It was nine o'clock on the dot and I was dialing her familiar digits. She hates it when people without T-Mobile call her before nine. It's simply not free and she's too cheap to spare any of her precious day times minutes. I had been meaning to get T-Mobile just for the sake of calling her, but once we had a change in our friendship a year ago, I figured we'd probably wouldn't be talking that much; which is entirely my fault.

I hang up my phone and sigh as I realized it's been about two months since I last saw her and fucked and left like I've done so many times before. I know that I look like an ass, but I have my reasons. I love Leah, I do. She's one of my best friends. At least she was... I don't really know what she is right now. We don't talk any more unless it's right before sex and even though I know she wants to talk like we used to, I can't bare to.

I won't be able to sleep with her afterwards if we did talk 'cause I would be reminded of who she was. I would have to be reminded that there was once a time where she was nothing more than one of the guys and that I would kill anybody who tried to hurt her. I would be reminded that I would need to commit suicide as soon as possible because as far as I knew, I was the only one causing her pain.

I wasn't trying to. I really wasn't. It just ended up that way... everytime. Everytime I kiss her, I just have the intention of feeling her lips, not giving her false hope. Everytime we have sex, I just want to feel her and be with her because it's different. It feels better than the nothing I feel with other random women. I don't sleep with her because I can and I think I'm a pimp. I sleep with her because I know it's special because she doesn't just sleep with anybody. She sleeps with people she loves.

I know she loves me. I get the feeling she does anyway. The way she looks at me tells me there's something more than sex that excites her when she sees me. I just wish I could love her back. The way she wants me to, but I can't.

Love changes people in the worse possible ways.

My phone vibrates in my lap and it's her number on the screen. I did just hang up on her, didn't I? I didn't think she'd actually call me back. I let it ring until I miss her call. I don't know why I bothered calling. I was sitting outside of her apartment complex. My tinted windows kept me out of sight of neighbors and paps. I should just ring the bell. I know she'll let me and I know she'll be running around, trying to get ready without looking like she tried to get all gussy up for me.

I know her all too well. It almost makes me smile as I get out of the car and walk up to the door just as somebody walks out. They hold the door open for me and I thank them as I head toward the elevators. I press the up arrow and it lights up right as an elevator dings open. I slip inside and head up to her floor, digging in my pocket. I feel the foil package of condoms I brought earlier and pop a mint into my mouth.

The door opens and I'm shocked to see Leah standing in front of it with a laundry basket beneath her arms. I quickly recover as I step outside of the elevator and she looks down at the ground, trying to subtly adjust her messy bun. I reach up and stop her fidgeting hands. She looks up at me with wide eyes.

"Hey," I smirk and she pulls her hand from mine.

"Hey," she says in the most uncaring way she could muster, but she isn't fooling me.

"I called."

"You hung up," she countered, "And I called you back."

"I was already coming up. I figured I'd surprise you." The elevator has long gone down again and she presses the button.

"Well, I'm surprised," she mumbles, "Mission accomplished."

"I can see that," I smile, trying to not be annoyed by her attitude, "What's wrong?" She sighs and closes her eyes as if she's been through this a million times before. And she has.

"Justin," Leah says my name like it's painful and it probably is. I can see that she's being killed with me just standing here and I want to kiss her. I want her to want me and not hate me. I want her to feel good.

"Leah," I take the basket from her arms, "Laundry can wait."

"Justin, please," she pleaded softly, grabbing her laundry back as the elevator dings and arrives. She steps inside and I follow her inside. She groans and presses the ground level button.

"Don't be mad, baby," I cooed, moving close to her. She's in the corner, laundry in hand. She uses it as a barrier between us and when I go to move it, she protested.

"Don't," she tells me, "Don't touch me." I can feel my gut tighten as I back up a bit, but place my hand on her cheek. She turns away, so I cup her face with both hands and make her face me.

"Don't be like that," I said, "I would've called but you know how things are." Things being my career. My life without her in it.

"Yeah..." she tells me sadly, "I know how it is." Something tells me she's not referring to my career and I sigh.

"I'm sorry," I apologize and I am. "I'll make it up to you." I kiss her quickly and she doesn't have a chance to push me away. When my lips crush against hers, my body melts in content. The warm wetness of her mouth is inviting and my tongue seeks solace with hers. She moans and I kiss her deeper, holding her head closer to mine. Our mouths mesh and manuver with each other's and she drops her laundry with a thump and grips the bottom of my gray hoodie. My hands leave her head and grope her breast instead. She gasps as she breaks our heated kiss for air. I take a deep breath and suck on her neck as she runs her hands through my short curls.

I barely hear the elevator door opens, but Leah abruptly pulls away from me and grabs her laundry.

"You have to go," she informs me with panic written all over her face. "I cannot do this." She puts her basket on a folding table walks over to a dryer full of clothes and opens it, carrying all its contents to table. I walk over to her; she moves away. "Don't."

"Leah," I say gently, as I move up toward her. She backs onto the table and I trap her with my body as I placed my hands on either side of her on the plastic table top. She turns her head and I watch as a silent tears runs down her cheek. My hand instinctively wipes it away before I hold her chin and turn her head to face me. "Don't cry."

My heart's quivering in my chest as I watch the sadness in her eyes. I wanted it to be gone. I wanted her to feel good again. I kiss her mouth and she cries a bit more as she kisses me back. I doing my best to fight off my own tears as I kiss her back more passionately. I run my hands down her sides and thighs, caressing her soft skin and soothing her. She settles down and I press myself into her. She sighs and holds my face in her hands as she kisses me more aggressively.

My hands cup her breasts again and my pinch her nipples through her t-shirt with my thumb and index finger. They harden and she moans before I pull her shirt over head. No pokadots today. Just a plan white bra. I kiss down the v-cut of her plunge bra as I unhook it from behind. She gentlys rubs the back of my head as I kiss and suck on her nipples. Her soft and warm flesh runs like silk against my tongue as her panting causes my groin to tighten.

I kiss her lips suddenly and grip the band of her shorts and underwear. I yank them down to her ankles and she steps out of them and her flip flops as I kiss her up legs slowly. I lick my way up from her inner thigh to her hips and kiss up her stomach and chest before finally reaching her mouth again. I grab hold of her waist and lift her onto the edge of the table that she's slightly sitting on her clothes. I bend her knee and place her foot the table, spreading her legs open to me. I look up at her and watch her eyes widen with excitement. I kiss her inner thighs and move to her lower lips, licking along the sides as her breathing hitches.

I glance up and she's leaning back against her pile of clothes. My tongue slips inside her folds as I slowly slid it up to her clit. She moans loudly as I suck her clit into my mouth before repeating my actions. I continue my licking and suck until she grips my hair. My tongue is flicking her clit at a feverish pace as I slip two fingers into her wetness. She grips the clothes surrounding her as I motioned my fingers into a 'come hither' position, stroking her spot at just the right angle. She grunts as her legs shake and her hand claws at my head and neck. I suck on her clit a bit longer, my fingers still beckoning until I feel her tighten around my fingers as contractions take over her inner walls. She moans deep and throaty as she cums and I like her sensitive flesh as I pull my fingers from inside her. I lick them clean and stand from my knees.

I look down at her and she's beautiful in her flushed appearance. Her breathing is still jagged as she watches me watch her for a moment before I take her hand and sit her up on the table top. I lean down and kiss her mouth deeply. She moans and lightly holds my waist as I pull away.

"Put your pants on," I told her as I knelt down quickly to pick them up. She looked confused as she took her clothes from my hands.

"What?" she asked, "Are you leaving?" I shook my head.

"No," I assured her, "I just don't want to do this down here." She looked around the room as if she just realized we were in the laundry room of the apartment's basement before turning back to me.

"Why not?" she asked simply, "Nobody comes down here this late. That's why I come here at night. I don't have to fight for a dryer."

I was a bit surprised that she actually wanted to fuck down here. She was usually hesitate about places outside of her bedroom.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to your place?"

"Yes, I'm sure," she told me confidently, "It's easier this way."

"What's easier?" I asked and she ignored me as she unzipped my hoodie and pulled it from my arms. "What's easier, Leah?" She yanked down my pants and boxers in a swift move that left them in puddle at my feet. My erection stood tall as she gripped my shaft and stroked it. I sighed in content as she continued to move her hand up and down before bending over and licking the head of my dick. She followed by slipping most of my length into her mouth and bobbing her head up and down. I closed my eyes for a moment and then looked down at her again. She glanced up at me and ran her tongue from the tip of my penis to the base. I groaned and she tug at my hard flesh with her small hands.

My fingers pushed ran through her hair before I pushed it from her face, giving me a better view of her skillful mouth. I was in ectasy, but I wanted to feel her. Her mouth was nice, but her body was a whole other story. I needed to be wrapped up inside her, so I pulled myself from her and told her to turn around. She did as told, taking the liberty to bend over and lean on the table with her ass sticking out.

I bent down and grabbed a condom from my pocket at my feet and ripped it open before sliding it over myself. Then I moved up close and kissed the back of her neck and shoulders. I ran my hand down her body as I slipped inside of her from behind. We both moaned in unison as I pushed myself deep within her tight walls. I plowed into her and groped her breast as I hugged her to my body. She placed her hand over mine and moaned as she pushed down and matched my rhythm with her hips.

I cursed over and over as she panted my name and lifted her leg onto the table, giving me a better angle as she lay herself on the table and clothes. I held her waist now with both hands and grinded into her. The table squeaked as it jerked with our movements, but that didn't stop me. I only moved faster as she buried her face into her laundry to muffle her cries.

"Oh god...yes...oh...." was all she said, over and over as she scratched the table with her nails. I imagined them pressed into my skin as they had been time and time before and pressed deeper and harder. I ramming into her and she was loving it. She always liked a little rougher than usual and I always loved giving it to her.

"Oh, shit..." she moaned and I felt the familiar tug her her walls. I felt myself contracting and I almost couldn't tell who was gonna cum first until she slammed her fist into the table and cried out as if she were in pain, but I knew that wail was that of pleasure and it brought me right over the edge with her. She shook when I came and it took all my upper body strength to keep myself from falling over on top of her. My knees were like jell-o for a moment before I pulled myself out and away from her.

I sat on the table beside her laying form and tried to regain my composure. I leant back on my arms and she stood up slowly. She dug through her pile of laundry momentarily before finding a small wash cloth. She walked to the back of the room and turned on the sink that was back there to wet the cloth. She turned off the running water and made her way back over to me. She stood between my open legs and pulled the condom off of me. I watched her as she dropped it into a waste basket by the dryer and came back to me. She wiped me clean with the towel that was still warm and dropped it into the basket on dirty clothes that was haphazardly thrown onto the floor earlier.

"There," she said, finally looking me in the eye, "You're free to go." I smirked.

"I didn't know I was held captive, officer." My joke didn't seem funny because she just picked up her shorts and underwear and pulled them apart. She slipped her underwear on. "Leah..." I sighed and she ignored me, slipping her shorts on as well.

"Justin, look, here's your opening. You can run off now," she told me sadly as she began to fold up the clothes that were once cushions for her spasing body.

"I'm in no rush," I told her, "It's early."

"Right," she said bitterly, "I almost forgot. You sneak out, you don't walk out. It's too weird when I'm watching, right? It's easier to leave behind my back." It was, to be honest, but I'm sure she didn't want to hear that.

"If we were under any other circumstance, things would be different," I told her gently, "But it's really... fucked up right now."

"No, you're fucked up, Justin," Leah corrected and I felt a pang of something in my gut.

"Maybe..." I mumbled. "I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say, but sorry seemed somewhat appropriate.

"Whatever," she sighed. I sat there for a moment and she continued to fold. I watched and she ignored me and continued until she was five shirts in and I still hadn't moved.

"I guess I should go," I said, not knowing what else to do or say. I didn't really want to leave, but it was just too awkward. This is exactly when I never stayed after sex. It would always be like this and it's far too late for me to try and change it.

When she didn't so much as glance up from her clothes I stood and pulled my underwear and pants up. I gathered my fallen wallet and condoms and stuffed them back into my pockets. I stared at her for a brief moment, hoping for something, but when nothing came I cautiously stepped closer and kissed her cheek. She didn't flinch. It almost felt like I was a ghost and she simply didn't see, feel, or hear me. I was beside myself with frustration. I wish things weren't this way.

I turned my back to her and headed toward the elevators, but a sad, tired voice stopped my steps.

"What happened to us?" she asked aloud and for a moment, it seemed like it was to herself, but when I turned and faced her, she was looking at me. No hatred or frustration. This genuine confusion sadness. I shrugged, not having the answer.

"I don't know," I told her softly, "But I'm sorry." She looked down and I turned back around, taking the elevator up to the lobby and heading outside to my car. I drove all the way home and pulled into my driveway and parked outside my mansion. My big empty mansion. I even sent my dogs away for the summer so my brothers could play with them.

I didn't get out. I only sat back in my seat and let the car run as the AC blew against my skin. It wasn't until my cheeks were oddly cool that I realized I was crying. My tears were silent, but scared me.

I was sad.

I was sad every day and I didn't know why. I could name a few things, but I couldn't quite figure out what the problem ways. All signs just pointed to me and I didn't know what to do with that. Especially when it came to Leah.

I'm the one that happened to us. I'm the one that fucked things up. A year ago, when I kissed her during one of movie nights. When I had suddenly moved our platonic relationship into uncharted waters because I had this ingenius idea that I loved her and it had to mean something because she was different from any girl I had ever met.

But when she kissed me back and told me with her eyes that she had just been waiting for this... I didn't know what to do. I wanted her to want me and the moment she did, I couldn't quite handle it. I chased after the ball and fumbled. I could practically hear the crowd booing.

She was different. They were all different. All the women I tried to love, but they were all the same. They all had to go at one point or another. Leah didn't have to go. I didn't want her to leave. I want my friend back, but I don't quite know how to let go of the lover. I'm stuck in this twisted in-between of love and friendship.

I can barely explain it and I'm none too proud of it, but here I am. Here we are. All fucked up with nowhere to go.

She'd never understand if I tried to explain. Leah wasn't much into grays. It was black or white. You loved or didn't. You forgot or you remembered. You're yellow or you're red. This was probably the grayest point of her life and I'm sure this only deepened her belief that all grays in life were evil.

'Gray is nothing but a blob of confusion.' Leah would say. 'And who likes blobs or confusion?'

I, for one, do not and I'm sure Leah would second me on that. I wish that I could explain myself. I wish I had a better reasoning for not being a man about this, but I don't. This was it. That's all I had or could explain. It sounded much better in my head. I wish Leah could just read my mind. Maybe she'd hate me less.

My phone rings and my heart jumps at the thought of it being her, but I'm logical enough to know Leah wouldn't call. I grab my cell phone from my pocket and a condom falls out. I roll my eyes. Why did I bring so many? I never stay that long.

"Hey, Trace," I sigh, turning off my car and hopping out of the SUV.

"You talk to Leah?" he asked like he has asked everyday for the last year. I groaned.

"No," I lied. He sighed.

"Let me rephrase that," he said, "Did you fuck Leah?" I rolled my eyes and made my way inside of my home.

"Maybe," I mumbled, standing the foyer and disarming the alarm to the front door.

"You're a fuck up," Trace told me, stating the obvious.

"I know," I mumbled again. He sighed once more.

"You're gonna lose her." I turn on my lights and central air before kicking off my shoes. I waited a long while as I relaxed my feet when I plopped down onto the couch. Trace was right, I was gonna lose her. For good. I was fucking with her mind. She was getting too used to being used and that was never a good thing. Everybody always has to meet the one that screws them up in the mind and heart. Britney was mine and now I'm Leah's. I'll never quite understand how some people can inflict the same amount of pain they could barely endure onto another, innocent person just because they were somehow caught in the crossfire of their demented soul.

"I know," I told Trace finally.

"Then stop being an ass," he groaned. "You're acting like you don't even care." But I do care and Trace knows I do better than anybody.

"You know I care, man."

"I'm not the one who needs to know that." I sighed.

"Well, I don't know what to do about that," I told him earnestly, "You know that I don't want it to be like this."

"Then don't let it be."

"It's easier said than done," I whined.

"True, but just because it's harder, it doesn't mean you're not suppose to try."

"I can't... I just... I don't know..."

"I know you're hurting and I know you don't mean to hurt Leah, but man, you can't keep running scared you're entire life. Brit's gonna get married and have a shitload of kids and you know what's gonna happen to you? Nothing. You're gonna be couped up in that big ass mansion of yours all alone and depressed and you're gonna be the only one at fault. Just you, not Britney or Leah, or any of those other women. Just you."

"That's fucked up."

"It is," Trace agreed, "I'm not saying it's your fault that things got fucked up. But shit happens all the time. You may not be in control of what happens to you, but you are in control of how you deal with it." I nodded even though he couldn't see me.

"I know," I sighed.

"I know you know, but you need to start showing something for it, all right?"

"All right," I promised, and he cleared his throat.

"I'm gonna let you sleep on that," he said, "Remember you have the details shoot in the morning. Mike and I will get you at ten." I nodded again.

"'Kay," I said.

"Night, bro."

"Night." I hung up and tucked my arm beneath my head. A million thoughts were racing and I felt wide awake. I would not be sleeping tonight, like most nights, as I mull over Trace's words. He was always smarter than me. He always knows what's better for me. I wouldn't be able to have half the mind I have without his influence. I sometimes wish he'd talk to Leah for me and fix it. It would've been done fast and correctly.

Too bad I have to do it myself.