Lost
Chapter 1
Bethany rolled onto her back her golden blonde hair sticking to the back of her neck and forehead, I watch as she grabs the small mirror full of lined out coke and sniffs a few lines. I run my eyes over her naked body tempted to knock the coke out of her hands and fuck her again.
It’s like a tradition we have, I come into town and the first stop I make is Bethany’s apartment. We fuck like wild teenagers; we get high, have more sex, and then do more drugs. We’ve been doing this since we were teenagers, 15 or 16 years old, the start of my career with NSYNC.
“Here Timbs.” She says, barely above a whisper as she hands me the mirror with a few lines left. I gently grab it out of her hands and finish the coke off, I turn to look at her, and she’s got a pleased smile on her face as the coke gets into her system.
I placed the mirror on the nightstand and grab her leg pulling her into a laying position on the bed. I love the feel I get when I do coke, I feel like I’m superman like I could fly to the top of the tallest building, like I could fuck for hours. Bethany giggles as I run my hand up her tanned leg over her hips, up her stomach stopping as I forcefully grab her breast and squeeze them. She moans in what I assume is pleasure making my dick go hard. I run my tongue up her leg over her opening causing her to buck her hips, I suppress a laugh as I continue to move my tongue until my lips crash into hers and I force my dick into her, she groans out my name.
“God damn…” The words roll off my lips as I thrust one last thrust into her before collapsing on top of her small frame.
I roll off of her and reach for the small bag of coke on the nightstand, I start cutting a few lines, I should be worried that the four lines I took just two hours ago already faded but I can’t think about that. I’ve got to leave in a few hours I need to get another fix.
“Timbs…” My nickname rolls off her tongue as she smiles up at me, still enjoying her high.
She doesn’t use like I do, not any more. It used to be she’d bring the drugs and we’d do them, now…now I bring the drugs, more drugs then we’ve ever done before. She only uses with me she once admitted to me, I won’t lie when she told me I left a few hours later. It tore me up what I was doing to her. I eventually came back, I was more addicted to her then I was to any drug, or so I thought.
“Beth…” I answer back before I snort another line.
“You know I love you right?” She asks, causing me to stop finishing my last line.
“Of course I know that. I love you too.” I give her a half smile as I start to hand over the mirror.
Bethany shakes her head no, “I’ve got to pick Sam up from my mothers after you leave.” Her words stop my heart as I place the mirror on the nightstand. I run a hand over my face and look back at her smiling face.
“How is she?” I ask, to this day I’m still a little shocked that I’m father. I’ve had three years to get use to it, but any time Bethany or anyone else brigs her up I get nervous.
I’m not a good father.
When Bethany first told me she was pregnant I flipped out, I told her to get rid of it that I wouldn’t be around to help out. She didn’t care went off about how she couldn’t possibly get rid of her own child. That was the year my mother found me passed out on my couch with massive amounts of drugs around me. I probably would have died if she hadn’t been worried about me with the news of Bethany being pregnant coming out to the media.
I took a ‘break’; at least that is what my mother told the press. I was taking a break to relax, write music and prepare for my album and tour. When the reality of it was she threw me into a private rehab in Tennessee for two months. I stayed clean up until just before Samantha was born.
Trace took me out for my 22nd birthday, we went to Memphis, stayed for three days doing drugs, drinking, screwing girls. It would have been longer but I got the phone call that Bethany had been rushed into the hospital; Sam wasn’t due for six more weeks.
“Lo?” I say into my cell phone as I pass the coke over to Trace.
“Justin?” A sexy voice questions
“Maybe, what’s your name baby?” I grin into the phone taking a swig of my whiskey.
I prop my feet up on the table in front of me laying my head back as the coke I just did starts to take effect.
“It’s Amber.” Her tone is flat.
“How can I help you Amber?” not sure if I even know any Ambers
“Are you high Justin?” This Amber questions causing me to choke on the weed I just inhaled.
“Who the fuck is this?” I demand not wanting it to be some reporter who happened to find my number. I’ll probably have to change my number again.
“Bethany is having the baby…” I drop my glass of whiskey and hang the phone up.
Everyone around me stops what they are doing as I let a string of cuss words flow out of my mouth. I try standing up but fall backwards, panic starts to set in as all the drugs I’ve been taking seem to be hitting me the hardest right now.
“Fuck… Bethany… baby…” I get out getting onto my knees, trying to push my self up using the table.
“Fuck man.” Trace states grabbing my cell out of my hand, he starts to call someone.
“I gotta go.” I panic as I brace my self on the wall next to the couch.
“Brad is on his way.” Brad… Brad… Bethany’s older brother. Fuck. Shit.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I hope he kills me after I see Sam. I slide down the wall holding my head in my hands. This is the worse trip I’ve had, ever. I need to relax before I get hysterical.
I’m not sure how long I had been sitting on the floor, but when I looked up all the drugs are gone and Trace was letting Brad through the door. He grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet, with my free arm I push the tears off of my face.
“Let’s go Jay.” He quietly says, I put my arm around his shoulders and he helps me through the door. “You’re not coming with Trace.” He snapped causing Trace to stop dead in his tracks.
I get into the passenger seat and Brad slams the door shut, I watch as he walks in front of his car to the other side. He gets in and slams his door shut, turning the car on. “Put your seat belt on.” His voice is loud in my tears as I roll my head so that I’m looking out the front of the car.
“Thanks.” I barely get out as I snap the belt into place.
“I should fucking throw your ass in jail.” He snaps at me as he pulls onto the road.
I swallow hard. Why did Trace call him? Trace knows Brads a cop. “I know.” I mumble pushing a tear off my face.
“She’s good; I was going to bring her over to your moms… Do you want to go with?” Bethany’s voice causes me a jump slightly.
“Uh…” I’m not sure what I should say, I don’t normally see Sam.
I let Bethany know a few days ahead of time before I get into town, she sends Sam over to her mothers for how many days I want to spend with her. I usually see her when it’s a holiday or her birthday.
“It’s just an offer; you don’t have to if you don’t want to Timbs.” Bethany half smiles as she climbs on top of me. I go hard the moment she sits down on me.
I run my hands over the curve of her ass and stop at her hips; I move her hips and slightly buck mine so she can feel how much I want her. She leans down and kisses my neck and moves up to my ear. I groan as her free hand grabs my dick and moves it over her opening.
“I’ve got to get in the shower.” She states with a giggle, “You can join if you want.” She adds as she hops off of me and leaves the bedroom.
She’s going to be the death of me. I snort the rest of my coke and run after her. By the time I get into the bathroom she’s already in the shower, hot water running down her body. I step in and push her against the wall, grabbing her neck and kissing her hard on the lips.
“Don’t ever tease me.” I grunt out as I force my self in her, she wraps her legs around my waist, her hands on the wall as I pump in and out of her as fast as I can.
“I love you.” She states kissing my chest as I set her down on her feet.
“I’ll go with.” I tell her as I reach for the soap.
I haven’t seen my daughter for a few months I might as well go see her, and my mother too. We haven’t been on that great of speaking terms since Sam was born. She wanted me to marry Bethany settle down have more kids with her. She was also not at all happy about me being drugged out of my mind when I went to the hospital when Bethany had Sam.
Lost
Chapter 2
I pulled to a stop behind Bethany’s car and look at the two story house. The grass is cut, flowers hanging from the porch. I run my hand over my face and grab my sunglasses; I push open the door and follow Bethany to the house.
I’m a little nervous, not about seeing Sam but about seeing Bethany’s parents. They make it clear they don’t like me. Bethany stops on the porch where her mother is watering a few potted plants sitting next to the door. I stop when she looks up at both of us.
“Beth, what is he doing here?” Her mother hisses towards Bethany.
“Mom…” Bethany says in a warning tone.
I knew I shouldn’t have come.
“Mrs. Freeman.” I give a small smile and a nod of the head walking up the steps and stopping next to Bethany.
“Justin.” She says flatly not looking at me; she looks in the screen door. “Sam mommy’s here!” She hollers through.
I can hear Sam yelling ‘mommy’ over and over again and hear her little feet stomp the ground as she comes running through the house.
“Mommy… DADDY!” She squeals out as I bend down to pick her up.
She wraps her arms around my neck in a tight hug; her hair up in pig tails slaps me in the face. I take a deep breath smelling what can only be called ‘Sam smell’ and give her cheek a kiss.
“Hey baby!” I hug her again turning around and walking off the porch so that I’m not near Bethany’s mother.
“I love you daddy!” Sam gushes giving me a kiss back.
“What do you say about going to see Grandma Lynn?” I ask her
Sam’s eyes go wide with excitement at the mention of my mother. She nods her head and lets out a loud squeal.
“Look.” Sam smiles showing me her painted finger nails.
“Oh cool.” I smile back at her, stopping and looking at Bethany talking to her mother.
I watch as Bethany yells at her mother for something she has probably said about me being here. It was never a good idea coming, both her parents dislike me, her sister doesn’t hate me but would rather me just not be around her. Her brother, well… her brother puts up with me. I think the only reason her brother puts up with me is because of Bethany. He’s taken care of me more time then I can count and if it were any other cop in Memphis I would have been behind bars and on the front of many tabloids.
I’ve always tried to impress Bethany’s parents ever since we first hooked up. I was going places, doing things that people in our town only dreamt of, I think maybe they thought I’d take her with me. I thought about bringing her with I even thought about marring her, but I didn’t bring her with me and I don’t plan on marring her. She knows this; she knows how I feel about her that should be all that matters. Impressing them isn’t even in the cards for me anymore, not after all the shit I’ve put their daughter through.
I don’t know if you want to call it a bad day or what but after spending the whole day with my family I was ready to let loose and have some fun. I’m in the middle of my tour and have three days off while in Tennessee, it’s normal for me to do that so I can see my family and Bethany. Only I hadn’t seen Bethany and she wasn’t returning any of my phone calls, I’m sure her mother talked some sort of sense into ignoring me until my tour rolled out of state. Trace felt it was a good idea to take me out to a few clubs, drink, do some drugs, and have some fun with a few girls. Only it wasn’t a good idea, the more high and drunk I got the angrier I got.
I pushed the girl who was sitting on my lap licking my neck off of me on to the floor and stood up, a little to fast, sitting back down.
“Wha man?” Trace barely even looking at me as he did a line off of a girl’s chest.
“I’m out.” I state and leave, it only takes a few minutes before I’m in a cab on my way to Bethany’s apartment.
If I were rational I would wait until the morning to visit her, but you know, who says I’m rational high or not.
I throw a few bills to the cab driver as I get out and make my way up the stairs to her apartment; there had better be a good reason why she’s been ignoring me. She better be dead somewhere or something because this shit doesn’t fly with me. I bang on the door a few times before the door flies open to revile a half dressed guy looking at me like I’m a mad man.
“Rob who is it?” I hear Bethany’s voice coming from her bedroom.
I grab this Rob guy by the neck and throw him up against the wall. “Leave. NOW!” I shout in his face shoving him towards the door. He tries to protest and stay but I’m not having it. He isn’t fucking my girl; he isn’t coming anywhere close to her so I do what any guy would do, I take a swing at him knocking him in the face and to the ground.
“Leave.” The anger evident in my voice before I kick him out of the door and slam it shut.
I turn around and Bethany is standing a few feet in front of me, a robe wrapped around her body.
“Timbs…” She looks upset that I’m standing in front of her.
“What the fuck was that?” I yell pointing to the door.
Her eyes go wide and she tries for the door, I grab her arm and yank her to my chest.
“What did you do?” She asks trying to get out of the vise grip I have on her.
I let out a loud laugh and squeeze her arm tighter, “you fucking around on me?” I laugh again this time throwing her to the ground. She yelps out in pain and backs away from me, only causing me to laugh even louder.
“I haven’t seen or heard from you in 10 fucking months!” She shouts trying to get off the ground.
I grab her by the hair and pull her to her feet; tears are running down her face as her fingers try to pry mine away from her scalp. I pull harder causing her to cry out in pain, her hands start at my face, slapping me trying to get me to release her. It only causes me to get angrier then I was before. During the struggle her robe fell open to reveal to me that she was naked. I grabbed her jaw hard and threw her backwards; she went crashing through her bedroom door.
“I’m the only one you can love.” I snap at her
I grab her up by her throat as she claws at me to let her go, I throw her down on the bed, tears running down her face.
“Please don’t.” She barely gets out before I slap her across her face so hard her nose starts to bleed. “Justin please, don’t do this.” She cries out pulling part of the robe to her nose.
“Fuck you.” I snap as I start to undo my belt.
Bethany scrambles to get off the bed before I can do anything that I might regret. I grab her by the hair again and yank her down.
“Please! You’re gonna wake Sammy up. Please Justin… you’re high just … just calm down.” She pleads with me making me angrier.
I’m about to slap her again, but before I can I’m put into a choke hold and being dragged through the bedroom door to the hallway.
“God damn it Jay.” I drop to my knees as Brad lets me go.
I open my mouth to say something to him and as I look up his fist cracks me in the jaw and I’m knocked out.
Bethany forgave me for that night; her brother deals with me the way he knows how, her parents don’t want to see me. My mom was disappointed in me, wanted me to go back to rehab. I told her I didn’t need rehab that I was only drunk that night. She knew better but she knew she couldn’t force me like she did the time before.
“Daddy you stay for Mommy’s birthday?” Sam asks me.
That’s right Bethany’s birthday is next week. I really shouldn’t stay for it.
“I’m not sure baby.” Is my only reply before Bethany quickly walks over to us; she takes Sam out of my arms and starts towards her car.
“Let’s go see Grandma Lynn.” Is the only thing I hear her say as I follow.
It sounds like she’s about to cry which really pisses me off, her family shouldn’t upset her the way they do. I know this is all because I decided today was a good time to be ‘fatherly’ and see my daughter. Christ they should try and make me cry, not her.
When we pull up to my moms house my stomach starts to quiver as I think about he last time I talked to her. It wasn’t a good conversation or good topic at all, it seems like the only thing my mom knows how to do is bitch at me. If she isn’t telling me how to live my life then she’s telling me how to be a father. If it isn’t about how I’m ruining my career with all the dirty shit I’m doing then it’s about how I need to start cleaning my act up. She’s even got Trace in on it now, TRACE the guy who would help me get high. He went ‘away’ for a few months and by away I mean to rehab. I haven’t seen him in six months, we talk on the phone but he’s been going to meetings and is trying to turn his life around.
The whole reason for my trip back home was to see Trace; I need him with me even if he is clean now. I’ve come back to request that he join me back in California, be my personal assistant again, be anything again.
Bethany stops in front of me at the porch and gives me a half smile; she can tell I’m nervous coming here. She remembers the yelling match on Sam’s birthday all to well. She hands me Sam and knocks on the door a few times, I’d probably be shaking even more if I wasn’t holding my daughter.
“Beth!” My mothers smile is clear as day in her voice as she opens the door to let Bethany through.
And here is my moment, haven’t talk to her in over 3 months, I try to force a smile on my face. If not for my mother then for my daughter, I don’t want her to think anything bad about me.
“Hey Ma.” I barely get out following Bethany through the door.
I can see the shock on her face that I’m standing here, not only that I’m standing in her front room but that I’m holding my daughter as well. She’s about to say something and I’m hoping it isn’t something along the lines of, ‘did you go to rehab’ I may just scream.
“Granma!” Sam smiles releasing her hold on my shoulder and reaching for my mom.
Thank you Lord! She won’t say something fucking stupid to me. I hand Sam over and take a deep breath as I go and sit down on one of the couches. This is harder then I thought it would be. I wish I had something to take the edge off; I grip my left hand with my right and squeeze over and over again. I knew I should have brought more coke with me, but no I opted to only by two bags. What the hell was I thinking coming here? I need to calm my self down some how.
“Are you three staying for dinner?” I hear my mother’s voice, I turn my head and look at her; they are standing in the kitchen as Sam eats a banana.
“Of course Sam and I are staying for a few hours Lynn.” Bethany gave a small smile she looked over at me, “I’m not sure what Justin’s going to do though.” She finished.
I stood up and took a long deep breath, I can do this-I can’t do this. I know it’ll make my mother happy if I stay, I just don’t know if I can handle anything she throws my way right now.
“Why wouldn’t I stay for dinner?” I hear the words leave my mouth before I can fully process what I just said.
What is wrong with me? I need to go to my car… I have a pack of cigarettes in the glove box that could probably calm me down a little. I wipe my sweaty palms on the side of my pants and walk into the kitchen standing next to Sam and Bethany. I give a quick glance at my mother and see how happy she looks staring at the three of us. This gives her ideas really stupid ideas.
“Well if that’s the case I’ll need to go to the store to pick a few things up!” My mother says with a wide grin plastered on her face. I watch as she grabs her purse off the table and gives Sam a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ll be back in 20 minutes!” the smile never leaving her face as she rushes out the door.
I look at Bethany who is listening to Sam tell her about what she and grandma did the past two days, I really shouldn’t be here. I run a shaking hand over my face and through my hair, a few curls are starting to show and I get a finger stuck in them.
“You’re sweating are you okay?” Bethany asks stepping in front of me.
No…no I’m not okay! I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. “I need something out of the car.” I barely get out before I’m out the door yanking the passenger side door open.
I pull open the glove box and pull everything out sifting through it looking for what I need. My heart stops and I sigh in relief as I tear the box open and pull a cigarette out. I smile as I touch it to my lips; I dig in my pocket and pull out my lighter. As I light the cigarette I can feel some of my sanity slowly coming back, it’s not the same as the coke but it’ll work for now.