Justin 

 Ashlee

            It looks a lot higher when you’re standing on top, looking straight down. A lot higher.  The fall will probably hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I don’t fucking care! I need to do it. I want to do it. I’ll be dead before I hit the ground and away from this bullshit forever.

            I stood over the edge of a New York City skyscraper, looking straight down at the city below me.  In all the movies they say you shouldn’t look down, because then you’ll change your mind about jumping. I’m not going to change my mind, but I wish I didn’t look down.  I can’t live this fucking life anymore, I’m sick of it. I can’t even take a piss without some asshole pissing on my shoe when he turns to tell me how much he likes to bang his chick to my music.  I’m sick of the bitches, I’m sick of the business, I’m sick of the life.

            I took a deep breath, possibly my last breath and closed my eyes. All I need to do is let go.

            “Um… wait! Don’t!” I heard a female voice, high and annoying. My eyes dart back at a girl sitting on top of a box with a notebook in her hands. Just what I need.

            “What the fuck are you doing up here?”

            “I live here, what the fuck are you doing up here? Besides about to plummet to your death.” She whines when she speaks, it’s all whining.

            “Look, go downstairs.”

            “I would, except I really need to do my astronomy homework,” she held up the notebook, “I need to draw the moon.”

            “I don’t give a shit. Stop talking then. Close your eyes.” I don’t want to ruin this girl’s life by making her watch me jump.  I closed my eyes again, taking another deep breath before she spoke again.

            “I’ll tell them you fell if you want,” she walked closer to me.

            “Don’t fucking touch me. Get back.”

            “I’m not going to touch you, relax. I’m Ashlee.”

            “I don’t care. Leave me alone.”

            “Do you want me to call someone? Like don’t you have a girlfriend or something?” she stopped and spoke under her breath, “or that’s the reason why he’s getting ready to jump, idiot.”

            “Are you talking to yourself?”

            “I am, but you’re hanging off the edge of a building, so I’d say I’m the normal one here. What about your mom? Do you have a mom?”

            “Everyone has a fucking mom.”

            “Not everyone, I don’t. Well I do, but she’s a fucking crack head so I don’t talk to her. Do you talk to your mom?”

            “Can we not talk about my mother while I’m hanging over the edge.”

            “OK, we can talk more about my mother if you want.”

            “I don’t want to talk about your fucking mother. I don’t want to talk about anything. I want you to turn your ass around and go back to your room and pretend none of this shit ever happened.”

            “That’d be really hard to pretend a world famous celebrity didn’t just jump off the top of my building while I was trying to do my astronomy homework. I hate this class anyway; I thought it would be cool. Like looking at stars and shit, right? Who doesn’t like looking at stars? But it’s like bullshit stuff, I should have taken geology, at least I wouldn’t be spending my nights praying it’s not too cloudy so I can see the moon. Plus I’m scared of heights, so the whole being on the roof thing sucks in itself. With geology at least I would be on the ground, looking at rocks and stuff. Although that’s probably boring as fuck.  And my professor’s like crazy. I emailed her because it was cloudy and I couldn’t see the moon and she said that I needed to figure it out and it’s still due on Friday and if I don’t have it it’s a zero.”

            I took a deep breath and looked back at her, “Are you still talking?” Her voice is going right through me; it’s like a constant whine.

            “Yeah, I mean sorry you’re about to kill yourself, what’s the rush? You can’t wait a couple minutes and listen to me vent?” she walked closer and sat down on the ground, “I’d come closer, but as I mentioned before, I’m not good with heights. I’d really appreciated it if you didn’t kill yourself right now, from the top of my building.”

            “Why can’t you leave me alone?”

            “Because, I have this weird obsession with saving people. You’re not the first, I’m kind of like the Angel of Death.”

            “If you were the Angel of Death you’d be pushing me instead of annoying the fuck out of me.”

            She took a second before answering, “I guess you’re right. You’re kind of annoying me though, don’t think you’re the only one being annoyed.”

            “Then leave, that’ll solve the problem.”

            “I need to do my homework. Can’t you just like, go for an hour or so, and then come back when I’m done?  Maybe we could go get some coffee when I’m done and you could seriously think about what you’re about to do. If you still think your life sucks as much as you think it does now then I’ll stand back and let you do it. Hell, I’ll even give you a little push if you need it.”

            “You asking me out Stargirl?” at least she made me laugh.

            “No. I just have a lot of homework in the next few days and I don’t really have time to talk to all the reporters about your last minutes alive.”

            “Then don’t talk to them.”

            “How could I turn down all that money though? I’m sure they’d give me a lot.”

            “Stop talking about yourself, I’m hanging over the edge of a fucking skyscraper.”

            “And that’s not selfish? Talk about being a hypocrite. Sorry to interrupt your selfish ways. Killing yourself is like such a cop out.  I’m sure there’s a lot of lives you’d be ruining but taking the easy way out.”

            “Like who?”

            “I don’t know, your friends?”

            “I don’t have any real friends. They’re all fake.”

            “OK then, your mom. Don’t you love your mom?”

            “Of course I love my mom.”

            “I’ll tell her that, when she’s crying at your funeral. I doubt she’ll hear me though. But I’m sure like your brother will comfort her, right?”

            “I don’t have a brother.”

            “Oh, just you? Then she’ll probably kill herself too.”

            “Don’t talk about my mother like that!” now I’m shouting, this girl is pissing me off.

            “You’re the one that’s going to kill her. But I guess that doesn’t matter, since you’ll be dead. So I guess you won’t have to worry about it.”

            I took a deep breath; I’m about to push this girl off the edge instead. “Did anyone ever tell you you’re annoying?”

            “Yeah, just you. Like fifty times. I don’t think you’re as hot in person, no offense. I don’t think you’re that hot on TV either, I mean you’re ok. But I don’t get the big deal. You should shave though, I don’t think you have the bone structure to pull of a beard.”

            “Wow, you’re really helping,” I answered sarcastically.

            “I’m not going to sugarcoat anything. But I guess you’re talented, people seem to think. I’m not exactly into your type of music. I like some of it, I like that With You song.”

            “That’s Chris Brown.”

            “Oh shit,” she laughed, “Seriously? I thought that was you.”

            “No, thanks though.”

            “Sorry. So do you want me to call your mom? I have my cell, you could just say goodbye to her. My uh, my brother killed himself and I really wish I got to say goodbye.” She finished softly, almost under her breath.

            She needs to stop talking about my mother. I can’t think about my mother, I don’t want to hurt her.  “Alright, one cup of coffee and then you’ll go back to your room and let me do what I’m going to do.”

            “For sure, I promise. I might even be willing to share some of the finest herb,” I climbed back over the edge, “Cool, that wasn’t so hard now, was it?” she smiled, “Just wait like two minutes and let me finish this drawing.”

            I laughed at that, “Are you serious?”

            “Yes, I’m serious. I told you my professor is fucking crazy. If I tell her I couldn’t do my drawing because I had to save Justin Timberlake’s life, I kind of doubt she’ll believe me. It’ll just take a minute, be patient.”

            I sat down next to her and watched as she drew the moon, or what was supposed to be the moon, “That sucks.”

            “Sorry, I’m not an artist. I don’t think it’s that bad though.”

            “It’s that bad, trust me,” I grabbed the notebook from her hand and drew the moon to speed it up.

            “You have to make sure you get all the craters.”

            “I’m getting all the craters,” I answered back in the same annoying tone before handing her back the notebook.

            She examined it carefully before smiling, “Not so bad, thank you Superstar.”

            “Don’t call me that. Let’s go.”

            She stood up and followed me to the door, “What can I call you then?”

            “I don’t know, you’ll think of something Stargirl.”

            “But you can call me Stargirl? That’s not exactly fair.”

            “Life is not fair. So where are we going?”

            “There’s a Starbucks right downstairs.” I have a problem with Starbucks, or pretty much any coffee shop, or public place in general. If I get recognized, which I guarantee I will, I’ll be on my way back up here before I finish my coffee.

            When we got into the building I actually got a good look at Stargirl, she’s not half bad looking. Her skin is really fair, not pale but very white, and her hair is jet black. She obviously dyes it, there’s no way her natural hair color is that dark. Then there are a couple pieces of purple throughout giving her that punk feel. She’s wearing a pair of jeans and a black tank top with a black and white striped zip up hoodie with the sleeves covering her hands.  She’s kind of hot.

            I followed her downstairs silently as we order the drinks and found a table. She was talking so damn much while I was trying to jump but now she’s silent.

            “So, your life sucks?” she asked in her monotone voice.

            “Yup.” I nodded my head before taking a sip of my coffee.

            “Everyone’s life sucks. I mean, people have it a lot worse.”

            “Like who?”

            “I don’t know, the homeless guy down the street?”

            “Nah, he’s got it made.”

            “OH MY GOD,” I was interrupted by some girl, of course it was only a matter of fucking time, “You’re Justin Timberlake, can I have your autograph? I’m such a huge fan, I can’t believe I’m …”

            “Fuck off!” Stargirl screamed, “He’s not Justin Timberlake! He gets it all the fucking time; he doesn’t even look like him. You’re so annoying. Get the fuck away! Come on…. Atticus, let’s just go.” She stood up and grabbed her drink, storming out of the building.

            I jogged to catch up with her, “Atticus? What the fuck is that?”

            She laughed, “I just finished To Kill A Mockingbird for Lit class… shut up, it was the first name that came to my head.”

            “Back to the roof?” Not really to jump, I’m good for now. At least no one will bother me up there.

            “How about my room?”

            “Do you live alone?”

            “Yes.”

            “Alright,” I agreed, following her into her room. I looked around the small apartment, it’s old and rundown, and not exactly like an apartment I’ve ever seen. Although I’m sure this is what most apartments in Manhattan look like for those in college. “How old are you, Stargirl?”

            “24, I took a few years off before I started.”

            I nodded my head and sat down on her couch, “Nice place you got here.”

            Stargirl laughed, “Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s the nicest place you’ve ever seen.  What was your breaking point? I mean, obviously your whole life sucks,” there was a hint of sarcasm there, she has no idea.

            I took a deep breath, “I found out my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for three years, has been fucking around with just about everyone in New York, California and Florida since before we even started dating.”

            “Wait, aren’t you dating whatsherface?”

            “Yes, I was. I’m not anymore.”

            “So you’re going to jump off a building because of her? That’s kind of stupid.”

            “No, it’s not. There’s other things, that’s not it. I love her.”

            “Well, obviously she doesn’t love you so you should just move on.” She sure doesn’t sugarcoat anything. “I don’t think that’s a good reason to kill yourself though.” She said as she grabbed a bong from under the end table.

            “Are you in school to be a therapist?”

            “No, I probably should be though, huh?”

“Yeah, probably not,” I laughed as I looked through her CDs. “You’re good at the whole making people feel more shitty thing.”

            “I am not, you’re laughing, that’s worth something. I just don’t believe it saying bullshit to make you feel better.”

            “You’re probably the first person in my life that’s felt that way.”

            “That’s good, right?”

            “Yeah Stargirl, it’s good.” I felt myself smile as I grabbed the bong from her.

            “What are you looking for?”

            “Just looking,” I decided not to hide the smile anymore as I looked through her collection of CDs, “You got any of my shit?”

            “No,” she laughed.

            “Nothing? Every girl’s got some of my shit.”

            “Not this girl, feel free to look, you’re going to be disappointed,” she stood up, “I’m going to go pee, liquids go right through me.”

            “Too much information Stargirl.”

            She laughed, “The windows are locked, they don’t open. So don’t try anything while I’m gone.”

            I flicked her off as she left, she’s kind of sexy. I’m digging her fuck you, mad at the world attitude. I like that she’s honest, and doesn’t say the shit I want to hear, I’ve never met someone like that before. I lit up before I continued looking through her music collection: Frank Sinatra, The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Bob Dylan, and Janis Joplin. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t have any of my shit.

            “Find anything good?”

            “Yeah, I’m impressed,” I said as I put some Frank Sinatra into her CD player, “I believe you about not having any of my shit though. But Sinatra? You don’t seem like the kind of girl that’s into Sinatra.”

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “I don’t know, you got the whole punk, mad at the world feel.”

            “Sinatra wasn’t mad at the world?”

            “I guess, I don’t know, I just expected to see some Korn or Disturbed.”

            She laughed as she sat down sideways on the couch next to me grabbing the bong from me, “For someone that’s so against being labeled, you sure are quick to label.”

            “I didn’t mean it like a bad thing,” I answered honestly.

            “Just shut up, you’re annoying.  I’m kind of tired, you’re not going to jump right?” I shook my head, “Good choice. You can stay here for a little while if you want. I mean, until we think of a way to get those assholes to leave you alone. I’ll come up with something, I’m very creative.” 

            “That’s good to know, I might take you up on that.”

            “Yeah, definitely. The couch is really comfortable.”

            “You’re going to make me sleep on the couch?” I asked with a crooked smile.

            “No, you have to shut up though because I need my sleep.” I nodded my head as I followed her into her bedroom, staying a few steps back so I could watch her ass. She’s a hell of a lot hotter than I first thought. She caught me; she turned around to face me, “Stop looking at my ass.”

            “I’m not looking at your ass Stargirl,” I want to kill her and fuck her at the same time.

            “My name is Ashlee,” she gave me a sexy smile, “In case you forgot.”

            “I didn’t forget I just don’t give a fuck.” I smiled as she rolled her eyes, and I’m getting fucking hard just looking at her.

            “You’re an asshole,” she smiled as she pulled her hair into a ponytail, “you doing alright there, Timberlake?” she laughed, looking at my boner.

            I laughed sarcastically and jumped on the bed, pulling a blanket over so I don’t embarrass myself anymore, “Fuck you.”

            “Hmm, interesting concept. You’re on my side though, move over.” I moved over and she reached to turn off the light. We both laid in silence for what seemed like forever before she spoke again, “So we could fuck, I’d hate to waist a perfectly good boner.”

            I laughed, not exactly sure if I should be taking what she said as a joke or not, “Are you serious?”

            “Yeah, I’m serious. You’re kind of growing on me,” she turned the light back on, “Are you up for it?” she pulled the blanket down and laughed, “Obviously you’re up for it.”

            “Shut up,” I said as she crawled on top of me.

            “OK,” she smiled before pressing her lips to mine as she unzipped my pants and grabbed my dick in her hand. Her mouth went to my neck where she bit me gently and I pushed her over so I was on top and pulled her shirt off, kissing down her stomach as I unzipped her jeans and slid them down her body. I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw her pink lace bra and matching thong. “What are you laughing at?”

            “Your bra and your panties, so pretty and girly.”

            “Did you just call them panties?” she laughed, “What are you a girl?”

            “Fuck you. You’re a cute girly girl underneath all that black eyeliner.”

            “Look if you don’t like them, I can just cover them back up,” she reached for her shirt but I grabbed it from her hand and threw it across the room.

            “Or we could just take them off,” I answered with a smile as I slid her panties down her legs. 

She giggled and managed to get out from under me, “I want the top.”

“No, I want the top,” I don’t really want the top, I’d much rather her ride it but I’m learning quickly that she’s fun to fuck with.

“Fuck you!” she shouted, “It’s my apartment, my bed, we do it my way. I saved your fucking life, I get top.”

“Alright, alright, you get top,” I put my hands up in mock defeat as I sat up and pulled my pants all the way off.

“That’s right,” she smiled as she sat on my lap kissing me violently. She reached over and opened the drawer of her nightstand and grabbed a condom. After ripping it open with her teeth she gave me a sexy look and bent down, pushing the condom over my dick with her mouth. “OK, we’re all ready.”

“Not exactly,” I kissed her passionately as she sat on my lap and I reached over to unhook her bra. I grabbed her tits in my hands and massaged them as I kissed her neck. Her head fell back as I felt her lower herself on top of me. Fuck, she’s so fucking tight and she feels so fucking good.

The sex was amazing, best sex I’ve had in a real long time. She fell on her back, with her head at my feet as we caught our breath. She giggled, “So, I’m really glad you didn’t jump.”

I chuckled as I laid down, “Me too.”

There were a few minutes of silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was comfortable. My high was starting to ware off.

“So you have like, a billion dollars, right?”

“Not exactly.”

“OK, like millions though, right?” she is annoying, there’s way around it, “Right?” she kicked my shoulder to get my attention.

I grabbed onto her foot and massaged it, “I guess, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Why don’t you just buy an island? Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, no one will ever bother you again. You don’t have to worry about anything or anyone.”

“I’m supposed to go to this island all by myself?” I asked as I pulled her leg closer, kissing it softly.

“Yeah, are you kidding, that’s exactly what you’re looking for. I mean you can take whoever you want.”

“Are you going to come?”

“I have school. Maybe I’ll come visit.”

I laughed and pulled her leg so she was back to sitting on my lap, “Maybe, huh?” I kissed her neck.

“Yeah, maybe,” she pushed away from me, “I need to sleep, I have class in a few hours. No cuddling, I don’t cuddle.”

“No cuddling. Got it.”

She reached over to turn off the light and I wrapped my arm around her, “I’m serious, stop,” she pushed away from me.

... And that was the beginning

It’s been six days since I was trying to innocently jump to my death that I met Stargirl. She saved my life, as she likes to mention it just about every hour on the hour. She didn’t really save my life, I probably wasn’t going to jump but I decided its far less work to let her go ahead and believe whatever she wants to believe. Now I’m pretty much living in her apartment, I haven’t been out of it in six days, except for the occasional trip to the roof to do her stupid astronomy homework. I’m kind of digging the whole being a hermit thing. Life sure is a lot less stressful when there’s nothing to worry about. I spend my days on the couch watching old movies and listening to music while Ash is at class. She comes home, we smoke up, we fuck, then we eat, then we smoke up and fuck some more. She’s annoying and sometimes I want to kill her, but she gives me what I need. I don’t know much about her, but I like it that way. It’s kind of hot the whole mysterious thing, plus she’s not exactly one for opening up and sharing. 

She walked in her apartment after a day of class and laughed when she saw me sprawled on the couch, “Still in the same spot you were in when I left.”

I turned the television off and walked into the kitchen, or the area of the living room with the refrigerator and stove. “How was school?”

“Amazing, as always. I have more astronomy due tomorrow.”

I nodded my head, “I’ll do it tonight,” I said as I jumped on the counter, “What’d ya get? Anything good?

 “Apple Jacks, milk, snow peas, broccoli, rice, mushrooms and chicken, just like you wanted.”

I hopped off the counter and stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and kissing her neck, “Onions?”

“No, I don’t like onions.”

“You need onions!” I threw my hands up, she doesn’t fucking listen. “What the fuck Ash? I said we need onions to make the stir fry.”

“Well fuck you, I said I don’t like onions.”

“You don’t have to eat them! It’s not going to taste the same!”

“You’re so annoying, get over it. No onions. Move on. I have onion powder, it’ll give you the taste without the nastiness of the fucking onions.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Go get them yourself if you need them so bad. I refuse to buy onions, they make your hands stink just looking at them.”

I stopped bitching to laugh and attached my lips to her neck, “What else did you get?”

“Garlic bread, Italian bread and American cheese. Oh, condoms,” She pulled the box out and held it in the air.

“The nice, COSTCO family pack.  Perfect.”

“Uh, no it’s the unfamily pack. If you’re looking for the family you don’t buy the condoms.”

I grabbed the box from her hand with a chuckle, “We better get going if we’re going to use them all.”

“Wait, there’s more,” She grabbed the box back from my hand and placed it on the counter. “Shaving cream, and a razor. Oooohh, how convenient.” She ran her hands over my chin.

I laughed, throwing my head back. She has such a problem with my beard, “What does it matter if I have a beard or not?”

“Seriously, it hurts when you eat out. You’re good at it, and you know it, but it hurts. It’s like a hundred pins prickling me. So shave, k?” She pushed my face away and I grabbed onto the shaving cream and razor before disappearing towards the bathroom.  “I have homework to do!” she called after me.

“Do your homework then!”  I shouted back. She’s so fucking annoying. I don’t know what makes her think I give a shit. But then again, I’m here in the bathroom shaving because she does give a shit. I haven’t shaved in so long; I forgot what it feels like to be clean-shaven. My skin is all soft, it actually feels good.  When I walked out to the living room I saw her sitting cross-legged on the couch lighting a joint, “What the fuck? “

“What the fuck?” she mimicked before taking a puff and handing it over to me, “Calm down. Aww, look at you,” she ran her hands over my chin while I took a puff, “You can totally eat me out now.”

I laughed and handed the joint back to her as I sat on the ground. She placed her legs over my shoulders and lifted her ass so I could pull her panties down her legs. I pushed her plaid skirt up as I started to lick her pussy. She moans and screams like a fucking porn star, it’s so hot.

Ash fell back on the couch as I pulled away and took a deep breath, “You’re so fucking good at that. I have to do homework.” She took another puff.

“Then do your fucking homework!” I feel like she’s my daughter sometimes, I grabbed it from her and stood up.

“I don’t want to,” she whined as she turned the television on, “I got some blow.”

“What?”

“I got my hands on some blow. Are you interested?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You have blow? And I’m here rolling a fucking joint.”

She laughed, “I take it that’s a yes.”

“Yeah, it’s a fucking yes. Are you serious? Give me some!”

She’s still laughing. I would strangle her but I don’t know where the blow is so I need to wait on that. I haven’t had coke in awhile but I could really use some. “I have to do my homework!”

“Then do you’re fucking homework and tell me where the blow is.”

“Fuck you! I’m not giving it to you. We have to share.”

“Well fuck you, I want it now.”

“You’re so impatient! Forget I said anything. I’m going to do my homework first, and then you can cook dinner. Then we’ll eat, then we’ll snort, then we’ll fuck, then you can do my astronomy and then we’re good.”

I laughed as I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a frying pan, “You got it all planned, huh Stargirl?”

“I like to plan things shut up!” she said as she grabbed a textbook, “Fuck Western Civ. Who gives a fuck? I don’t give a fuck, do you give a fuck? NO. Because NOBODY GIVES A FUCK!”

“You’re funny when you’re stoned,” I laughed as I cut up the chicken.

“I’m not stoned. I’m fucking hungry when I’m stoned, and I’m stoned so I’m hungry. So hurry up!”

She threw the book on the ground and turned the television up.  “Justin Timberlake, current Prince of Pop seems to be… missing?”

“Turn it off!” I screamed from the kitchen, but she doesn’t listen. She never fucking listens.

“It seems Justin was supposed to be in Los Angeles yesterday for a video shoot but he never showed up. Two days ago he had an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine and once again, was nowhere to be found. His management had no comment, but his mother--”

“Turn it the fuck off!” I screamed grabbing the remote and turning it off myself since she seems to be fucking deaf.  “What the fuck Ash? I don’t want to hear any of that shit.”

“Well how the fuck am I supposed to know that’s what they’re talking about?”

“I don’t know, maybe when I told you to shut it off the first fucking time!” I screamed again, throwing the remote back at her.

“You’re fucking paranoid, you know that right?” she paused to laughed, “You’re so lucky you have a big dick or you’d be so gone.”

“Shut the fuck up!” I did laugh a little. She has that effect on me, especially when I want to chop her head off. She has serious problems.

There were a few seconds of silence, and I’ve learned that’s always trouble. When she’s quiet she’s thinking. She’s never quiet, not even when she’s fucking sleeping. She still talks and makes noises when she’s asleep. Like I’ve said a million times… annoying.

“You know, they’re really worried about you.”

“Shut up!”

“I mean you could just call, and tell them you’re alive.”

“Fuck off, don’t talk about it.”

“I’m serious though Justin, your mother is probably really worried and…”

“Shut the fuck up!” I screamed throwing the knife on the table, “Shut up, and stop. I don’t want to fucking hear anything about my mother again. You get that?” I got in her face and grabbed onto her shoulders. “Shut the fuck up!”

“Don’t you ever fucking talk to me like that!” she screamed right back, grabbing my balls tightly digging her nails in, “I will kill you, I will fucking chop your dick off while you’re sleeping and sell it on EBAY. Don’t fucking tempt me. You’re in my house, I’m doing you a favor and you can leave, you can fucking leave!”

I took a deep breath and removed her death grip from my dick, “Sorry, relax. Just don’t talk about my mother, alright?” I answered calmly.

“Then don’t talk to me like that!”  Ash pushed me away. She’s fucking crazy. It’s clear now; she’s absolutely fucking crazy. She grabbed onto her notebook and flipped through the pages violently before speaking softly, “People care Justin.”

I am going to kill her. “They’ll get over it. I don’t see you calling your mother every day.”

“I told you my mother is a crack head!” she shouted.

“So are you,” I answered with a laugh. I can tell by the fact that she is now walking towards me fuming that she did not find it funny. My hands went to block my balls out of instinct, “It was a joke, sorry.” I stepped back.

“Not fucking funny. At all. She’s a dead crack head. Will that shut you up?” she walked past me and grabbed a beer from the fridge, “Hurry up and cook, I’m fucking hungry.”

“Help me cook,” I picked her up and put her on the counter, “You’re just laying around watching me, grab a fucking knife and get chopping.” I don’t know if I should trust her with a knife. I probably shouldn’t.

“Please,” she laughed, “Like you should talk, you sleep and watch movies all day.”

“I’m trying to earn my keep,” I kissed her quickly before I grabbed a beer for myself, “It’s almost done, where’s the fucking onion powder?”

“Up your fucking ass,” Ash said as she threw it at me with a chuckle, “I’m hungry,” the whining is back. I don’t think it ever left but for some reason I didn’t notice it before. Maybe it’s because she was busy screaming and threatening to cut off my balls.

“It’s done,” I answered simply as I grabbed a few plates, pouring the stir-fry evenly between the two. Ash grabbed two forks, pointing one at me while giving me an evil smile. She scares me sometimes, I feel like she’s really close to cracking and going absolutely crazy. Crazy like put the dog in the blender crazy.

We finished eating quickly and sat in silence for a few minutes. Ashlee disappeared for a few more minutes and came back with a square glass mirror and a bag of the powder. She sat on the ground and I sat down next to her as she got it ready to snort. I know this is a bad idea, but fuck, I really could use the high. My life has been pretty shitty these past few months or even fucking years. I stopped taking blow because I was touring again and it was fucking me up. But I’m not touring, I’m not doing anything. Plus, fucking when you’re high off blow is unbelievable.

Ashlee went first, throwing her head back and closing her eyes after she snorted a line. I grabbed the mirror from her and took a deep breath before I did a line. Oh shit.

“Hurry up,” she spoke and I looked over to see her waving her hand in the air, watching it carefully, “I wanna fuck, hurry up,” she whined but I didn’t give a fuck. I saw the bright colors, everything was calm and chill, I was confused, but a good kind of confused.  It was better than I ever remembered it to be.

“Hurry up!” Ash screamed as she pulled her clothes off, “I wanna fuck! Let’s fuck! I want to ride your cock. I need to. Hurry!”

I remember this feeling, like I have so much fucking energy. “We should build a house. Build a fucking house. We can burn this whole building down and build a fucking house. A huge house, we can do it now. Where are the fucking matches?”

“NO!” she shouted as she ripped my clothes off, “No, no no. We need to fuck. I need to feel your cock in me… fucking… good. Like hard and rough and kinky and fucking FUCK ME!!!!”

“A really cool fucking house. 20… hundred million seven floors. Just mine, and yours and no one else’s.”

‘What are you talking about?” she sounds like she’s about to cry, “Stop! Get up. Fuck me. I’m going to lean here and you stand there and stick it to me… from the back. And play with my tits, and rub my clit…”

I stood up behind her and grabbed onto her tits, “We need a rubber.”

“Fuck. A rubber,” she turned around and sat on the armrest of the couch, “Where are the condoms? Do we have condoms? Oh my god, I need to go buy some condoms! FUCK! Nooo!” she whined, “No, we need to fuck!”

“Wait! We have rubbers, you bought some,” I’m a fucking genius. She just bought some today… or was that yesterday? Or last week? Or last month? Fuck. Where am I?

“Where? WHERE? Help me find them!” she ran around the apartment, trashing the place as she looked.

“I found them!” I grabbed a box from the counter, if I remembered how to read I’d be certain that’s what I have, “Right?”

“Right! Yay! Good! Condoms! Now what?”

“Now I put it on. And you lean there and I stand here and I just…” I started to grind, “Just fucking do it!” She leaned against the couch and I grabbed onto her tits before pounding inside of her. She moved with me, to the same beat, holy fuck. “Fucking… on coke…”

“Shut up! Stop talking, I’ll fucking kill you!” she screamed before moaning and screaming louder than I’ve ever heard anyone scream before.

“You like that, huh? You like my dick, tell you me fucking like it.”

“I need it, I need your cock. I love it. UH… you fucking asshole! Keep going! Don’t ever fucking stop.”

I grabbed onto her waist, pushing into her further, “Take it bitch.”

“I’m your fucking bitch, give it to me!”

I attached my lips to her back, biting and sucking it forcefully. “I’m fucking cumming.”

Ash screamed as she came and fell down on the couch as I pulled out of her. She started breathing heavily, “I can’t fucking move, I’m going to die. I want to die.”

Fuck, the crash. I forgot about the fucking crash. When you feel like complete shit and can’t move. Ashlee crawled into the fetal position, hugging onto her legs tightly. “I can’t fucking breathe.” My brain feels like it’s about to burst out of my skull. 

“Shut up,” she answered softly, she sounds like she’s crying, “I want to die, kill me. Please just kill me.”

The idea of talking takes up too much energy. I’m tired, I feel like I haven’t slept in months, but I can’t sleep. I feel like a fucking zombie. I crawled into a ball on the ground, unable to get up and make it to bed or even the couch a foot away from me. Now I know why I stopped. I’m never doing this shit again. 

I woke up shivering with the worst hangover feeling I’ve ever had. I was afraid to open my eyes, but reluctantly I did and saw that I was lying on the ground completely naked. That could have something to do with why I’m freezing. I sat up and grabbed my jeans, looking around at Ashlee’s apartment that looks completely trashed. I don’t remember exactly what happened, except that we got our hands on some blow. She’s lying on the couch in the fetal position, now she’s twitching. I have a feeling that’s not a good sign.

“Ash,” I called her name softly, scared of the reaction I’d get if I wake her. I know last night, or this morning technically, she was pretty fucked up. I fell asleep so I’m not really sure if she got over that. But she is twitching, that can’t be good. “Ash.” She jumped up quickly, looking around as if she’s lost in her own apartment. “Are you alright kid?”

She looked at me for a second, wiped her eyes and sniffled before looking down to see she wasn’t wearing any clothes. She ran her hands over her nose and stood up, walking slowly into her room.

I decided to follow her since she looks more fucked up than I am, “Are you alright? You were twitching.”

Ashlee pulled a shirt on and a pair of panties before walking past me into the living room again. She’s looking for something, “We trashed the place, huh?” I laughed, still nothing. “Are you looking for something?”

“Obviously,” she answered under her breath, going through drawers.

Obviously. She’s back to being a bitch.  “Can I help you look for it?” My mama always told me you catch more bees with honey than vinegar.

She took a deep breath, glaring at me, “The blow, what happened to it? Did you take it?”

“I don’t think there was any left…”

“How was there none left? I had an eight ball and we hardly did any.”

I laughed, “Ash, we did a lot.”

“Well what the fuck? I need more.” The whining is back as she fell to the couch, “We can go get more, can you get more?”

“I can’t leave,” I answered, and I’m not so sure we should have more. I want more, that shit is so fucking addictive, but that crash was fucking horrible and I’ve learned my lesson from before, it’s better to stop as soon as you can because the crash only gets worse.

“I’ll go get some then, I need more. Do you know anyone that can get us more? Why aren’t you talking? Don’t you want more?”

“I do, but I mean, that crash was fucking horrible.”

“That’s why you take more so you won’t crash,” she answered simply, “Dude, I need more.”

“Do you remember how it felt? You wanted me to kill you.”

“And you didn’t, so move on. Now I need more.”

“I just think maybe we should wait a little while. By tomorrow, if you’re still craving it you can go get some, but try to let it pass. You have school, right?”

“Fuck school, I’m not going. I didn’t do my homework,” she said as she went to find some weed. This girl has some serious problems, and I sure as fuck did not hide out here to help her with all her shit. “Stop looking at me like that, all judging. You fucking did it too, and you know you want more. Stop acting like you’re better than it and give in to it. It’s much easier if you do.”

“I still think we should wait.”

“What are you my fucking mother telling me not to do drugs?”

Her mother, the crack head? “Did your mother tell you not to do drugs?”

“She’s a mother, they all tell you not to. She’s not an exception.”

Stargirl is talking about her as if she’s still alive, “I thought she was dead.”

She took a deep breath as if she’s fed up with me, “Fuck off, stop asking about her.” She leaned her head back as she took a puff, closing her eyes and letting the weed take her over.

I sat down on the chair across from the couch and ran my hands through my hair. The silence is very unlike her and it makes me worry a little, “Where are you from Stargirl?”

“Here.” She sat up and passed the joint over to me. “Where are you from Atticus?”

“Tennessee,” I answered before taking a drag.

She laughed and sat sideways leaning against the armrest, “You had an accent when you said that.”

I nodded my head; she seems to be in a much better mood. Maybe she’ll forget about the coke, which would be the best possible situation. “It happens.  You don’t have an accent for someone who has lived in New York your whole life.”

Ashlee shrugged, as she held her hand out for the joint, “The New York accent makes people sound stupid. I’m not stupid. I am hungry though,” she raised a finger in the air, “I want pizza. Pepperoni and cheesy goodness.”

Pizza sounds really fucking good right now. Food in general sounds really good right now. Stargirl got up and looked around for her phone but I just sat back and let the high come over me. This shit makes me feel better, the crash was still bothering me but now I’m good. My nose is a little fucked up though, I will say that.

“Hey, I want a large pizza with pepperoni… olives… cheese… mushrooms and… um… that’s good. That’s it, oh wait. Atticus, what do you want?”

“You’re going to eat a whole pizza?” I asked with a laugh, but she just looked at me like I was crazy. “Get some breadsticks or something.”

“OK, and breadsticks. And coke. Lots, and lots of coke,” she finished with a giggle. “Forty five minutes,” she told me after she hung up her cell phone, grabbed the joint from my hand and fell back on the couch. “What’s in Tennessee? That space needle thing, right?”

I laughed and went to sit on the couch with her before grabbing the joint from her hand, “Yeah, I guess. There are far more exciting things in Tennessee than that space needle.”

“Like?” she moved her legs to my lap and sat up, “What’s more exciting? Dollywood?”

“Dollywood?” I asked out of disbelief, “Are you serious? Elvis, Graceland, the home of the Blues, barbeque, fishing, shooting potatoes with shot guns.”

“What?” she laughed, “Shooting potatoes with shotguns?”

“Yeah. Someone throws it in the air, or you get a potato shooter, and then you shoot at it with a shotgun.” I stopped when she laughed; she’s in a real good mood. I don’t know where it’s coming from, probably the weed, but I’m all for it. “It’s fun. Don’t knock it until you try it.”

“Ok,” she smiled before running her hands through my hair, “Sounds like lots of fun.”

“It is. So tell me about you, Ashlee. I’ve been here for a week and I know nothing, you’re very mysterious.”

“Mysterious?” she laughed, “I guess. You’re more mysterious. It’s like you’re completely different from what I’m supposed to think you are.”

Ash rested her head on my shoulder; she’s getting pretty close for someone that doesn’t like cuddling, “What are you supposed to think I am?”

“I don’t know, like a pretty boy, boy next door who does anti-drug commercials and flosses everyday.” I laughed as did she, “Or twice a day.”

“I’m going to let you in on a big secret, and you have to promise me you’re not going to ever tell anyone.”

Two of her fingers were thrown in the air, “Cub Scout Honor.”

“I never floss, I hate it. But, I figured out how to trick the dentist. And this is the part that you can’t tell anyone because I don’t want it getting around. You floss right before you go to the dentist, then the dentist thinks you’ve been flossing the whole time,” she laughed, “I’m serious, it works. Every time I go in he tells me what a great job I do flossing.”

She kissed my neck before speaking, “I’m going to try that next time I go.”

“Don’t mention my name, don’t take me down with you.” Now she’s giggling, I didn’t think she was the kind of girl that would be giggling. “How’d we get back to me? We’re talking about you. Tell me about you.”

“I love chocolate,” she kissed my neck again before pulling back to look at me, “Warm chocolate, like hot fudge or hot lava cake oooh. Yum. But I hate like a box of chocolates.  I like cherries too, but I hate pulp! Oh god, I hate it. It’s a texture thing, it just grosses me out. Ugh, thinking about it makes me want to gag. I don’t know how to drive. I’ve lived in the city my whole life and have no desire to learn, or leave for that matter.”

This is all good information but not exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to know more about her. She’s got a wall up, that’s for damn sure. I’ll have to ask it myself, “How old were you when your brother died?”

 “My brother?” she’s looking at me like I’m the crazy one here, “I don’t have a brother.”

“You had a brother?” she’s shaking her head. “You said your brother killed himself and you wish you could have said goodbye.”

“Oh yeah,” Ash laughed before kissing my neck again, “You were ready to jump. It got you off the edge. Nothing else was working.”

I took a deep breath, now I feel like everything is a lie. I get that it’s not exactly something I should be complaining about. “What about your mother?”

“I’m a good bowler, I don’t even need the bumpers.”

“Why are you changing the subject?”

“I just don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to talk about your mother so why do I have to talk about mine?” And the good mood is over.

“You don’t” I ran my hands through her hair, “You’re father?”

“I’m horrible at rollerskating or rollerblading. The whole idea of those little wheels on your feet freaks me out. I can skateboard though.”

I figure I’ll just go along with it since she obviously does not want to talk about her family at all. I am intrigued though. I wonder if they’re dead or she just has a shitty relationship with them.  “I feel like you would be a good skateboarder.”

“Thank you,” she answered softly, “What’s your favorite part about Tennessee?”

“That I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want and no one gives a shit.”

“Then why don’t you move back home instead of jumping off the roof of my apartment building?” she’s got that sexy smile that goes right through me.

“Because I’m going to my island in the middle of the ocean.”

She laughed, “As opposed to the island in the middle of the desert?”

“Don’t be smart little lady,” I laid her down and kissed her softly, just as the asshole pizza delivery guy knocked on the door.

Ashlee is awful giggly today, I kind of like it. “Go hide. No, stay. I’ll put a blanket over you, play dead.” Before I could object the sheet was covering me. I grabbed my wallet from my pocket and held it out for her.  I closed my eyes trying to figure out what my life has come to that I’m hiding under a sheet as the pizza guys comes to bring me lunch. I felt Ash grab my dick in her hand and heard her giggle again. She sat on me, straddling my waist, and I felt her lips on my, kissing me through the sheet. She pulled away the sheet and smiled, kissing me on the actual lips this time. “The pizza is here.”

“I figured, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I sat up and Ash sat down on my lap, grabbing me a piece of pizza for herself and one for me.

“You’re in a good mood today, huh?”

“I’m always in a good mood.”

I had to laugh at that, “Always huh? I like this side of you, without the black eyeliner and being angry at the world.”

“Shut up,” there was a definite eye roll there. She pushed me away before taking another bite of her pizza. It’s very possible I just ruined this whole thing. I followed her gaze to see she was looking at the mirror from the night before, “I just want a little more.”

“It’s already been…” I paused to look at the clock, “nine hours. Wait it out, it’ll be gone soon.”

“No,” she shook her head as she grabbed another piece of pizza, “Once I crashed for like four days.”

“From splitting an eighth?”

“No, more than that. A lot more than that.”

I nodded my head; I’ve had some pretty bad trips myself. It wouldn’t be so bad if the shit weren’t so addicting. I hate how it takes over your fucking life so fast, it’s all you can think about. “Do you do it a lot?”

She shook her head, “Not really. My dealer does weed, but sometimes he gets some blow, not that much. He hooks me up though when he gets it he saves me some. He lets me know, but that shit’s expensive so… I can’t do it too much.”

I finally feel like she’s opening up. Not much, but it’s something. “I haven’t done it in awhile.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” she laughed, “you were tweaking.”

“I was not.” I think I handled it pretty well. I wasn’t any worse off than she was.
         “Yeah huh, you kept waking up, like shooting up and complaining about bugs on you.”

“I did not.”

“You did. Trust me,” she kissed my lips gently, “It’s cool, it was funny. You passed out right away; I don’t know how you do that by the way. I’m up all night fucking seeing ghosts and shit.” She stopped to laugh; I don’t know how that’s funny. It fucking sucks, I felt like my whole brain was trying to get out of my skull. I couldn’t feel my face, or my hands. It was a constant pain, like I would have rather died. I wouldn’t exactly call the whole crashing experience funny.

“And you’re waking up like every twenty minutes. Popping up like you just fucking saw God, complaining about bugs on you,” she continued laughing, “Or once you said SHIT! I left the car on! Like you even have a fucking car.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“You probably wouldn’t. So I’m screaming at you, I’m like SHUT THE FUCK UP ATTICUS. There’s no fucking bugs! You don’t have a fucking car! Shut up or I’ll throw you out the fucking window! And you go, fucking window. All loopy and mellow and shit, and you get up and you’re like that’s why the bugs are coming in, the fucking window.”  Ashlee is still laughing, but she’s back to the bitchy tendencies, that’s for damn sure.

A few hours later I found myself with a hood over my head on the roof drawing the moon. I actually enjoy the time out here looking up at the moon and all the lights of the city. No one is ever out here so it’s good to get some fresh air and not have to deal with anyone. I looked over at Ash who was sitting next to me, tapping her foot uncontrollably and biting all her fingernails off. I don’t think she’s been able to sit still all fucking day. Now she’s rubbing her hands together and blowing in her hands.

“It’s fucking cold.” She’s shivering, wearing her own zip up hooded sweatshirt, with her hood up as well. If anyone came out here they’d probably think we just robbed a bank.

“I’m almost done,” I answered truthfully. Maybe if she could sit still I’d be able to draw the fucking moon without having to erase it ever other second when she hits my arm and makes me mess up.

“I just want a little more. Like one line, and I’ll never mention it again,” she sniffled as she spoke. She’s been talking about this bullshit all fucking day. I honestly think if she didn’t mention it every minute I’d be ok, but when it’s all she’s talking about she’s making me crave it bad.

“Stop fucking talking about it! There’s no more. Stop.”

I got an evil glare and she stood up to get away from me. “I’m fucking trying. I just need to smoke and then I’ll go to sleep and I’ll be fine.” The wind blew her hood off and her hair blew out making her look like she’s at a photo shoot or something. She’s got that natural beauty, it’s not the kind that turns every guys head when she walks in the room, but if you really look at her she’s gorgeous. And those eyes. She’s got those fucking eyes that tell everything. If she’d let you actually look in them for more than a couple seconds before she turns away they tell everything.

“Come on, I’m done.” I stood up and followed her to the door. Her hands were in the pocket of her sweatshirt and she was still sniffling, moving her shoulder to scratch her nose instead of taking her hands out of her pockets.

We walked through the hallway when I saw a man walking towards us. I was about to run back outside but that would be too obvious. As he got closer I realized he had to be at least eighty, I’m sure he has no clue who the fuck I am. I pulled my hood further down my face just in case.

“Hi, Mr. Johnson.” Ashlee said with a smile, “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing good hunny, how are you? I haven’t see you in a long time.”

“Yeah, I’ve been busy with school and stuff,” she sniffled again, “How’s Buster?”

“Great, still biting at the couch. Are you sick?”

Ash nodded her head, “Just a little cold.”

I noticed the man’s eyes on me, looking me over intently, “Who’s your friend?”

“Oh, this is uh… Atticus. He’s a friend from home, he’s just here to visit for a few days.”

Mr. Johnson nodded his head, keeping his eyes on me, “Nice to meet you son.”

I grabbed onto his extended hand, “Thanks, you too.”

“Well…” Ashlee started but was interrupted.

“You shouldn’t wear your hood up like that. I’ll never understand why you kids do that. If you weren’t a friend of Ashlee’s I’d have gone and called the cops already, thinking you were going to rob me.”

“Sorry, it’s cold outside.”

“Well you’re inside now son, take it down.”

I took a deep breath, I’ve always been taught to respect my elders, and I understand that this might look bad but if someone recognizes me this hiding out thing will be over. I can’t even imagine going back to the real world where I’m depressed all day and ready to kill myself. But this guy is eighty years old.  He doesn’t know who the hell I am, there’s no way he does. I pulled my hood down slowly and gave him a quick smile, sniffling myself.

“Much better,” he smiled and shook my hand again, “You’re sick too, I’ll bring you two by some medicine.”

Ash shook her head, “No, no thanks though. We have some we’ll be fine. I think we both need to go to sleep.” Now she’s twitching again, it’s not too obvious but there’s a definite shake.

“Sweetie, maybe you should go to the doctors. You’re burning up, and you look like you’re shaking.”

“Yeah, definitely, I’ll go tomorrow. I’m just going to go lay down now,” she scratched her nose, “It was nice seeing you. Tell the Mrs. I said hi. I’ll come by, maybe next week, and she can help me with the knitting. I just have a lot due in the next week or so. Alright, we’ll see you later, bye.”

Ashlee ran off before she even finished talking and left me with Mr. Johnson, “How long are you here for son?”

“I’m not exactly sure, a little longer.” I answered watching Ashlee enter her apartment, leaving me alone.

“Are you in school too?”

“No sir.”

He nodded his head, “You look awful familiar.”

Great, fucking great. Even the hundred and twenty year old neighbors know who the fuck I am. “I just have one of those faces, I get that a lot. I better go check on her, it was nice meeting you.”

I left before he could respond and found Ash lighting a joint when I walked in. “God, I was fucking geeking.”

“Yeah, you alright?”

She nodded her head running her hands over her face before holding out the joint for me. I shook my head and she put it back to her mouth, “Why not?”

“I need to sleep, I’ll be up all night.”

Ash rested her head against the back of the couch and took another deep breath, “I’m going to bed as soon as I finish this so I wake up for class tomorrow. Thanks for doing my astronomy. You need new clothes, you’ve been wearing that same shit every day.”

“I wash it,” I answered with a shrug. It’s not like I came here with an overnight bag. I didn’t exactly plan on moving in with this girl I met on the roof of her apartment while I was trying to kill myself. “What’s the deal with that guy?”

She shrugged, “He just lives down the hall with his wife, they just got a new puppy that’s out of control. I go by sometimes and help them train him. And Mrs. Johnson’s teaching me how to knit.”

That surprises me. I never expected Ash to be one of those people that willing hangs out with her elderly neighbors. I’ve been thinking that a lot, I think it’s safe to say she’s not what she seems.  I’m worried about the old guy. I probably shouldn’t be, but he says he’s going to come by. Either he realizes who I am and calls the cops or he comes in and sees us snorting or smoking a bowl and calls the cops. Either way, we’re fucked. 

I’m beginning to be able to breathe from my nose again. I haven’t even been thinking about the blow, ok, so I just woke up two minutes ago and I’m thinking about it already. Shit. Ashlee’s already gone; I would imagine she went to school. I’m getting really good at sleeping though all her noise. She talks in her sleep, I swear she has fucking conversations with herself. There are weird noises she makes too, but I won’t even get into that. She’s a weird girl, that’s for damn sure. But I’m pretty sure I slept all night, without hearing the noises at all. And she doesn’t believe it being quiet when she gets up either, so I’m a little surprised to wake up without her still asleep next to me.

It is possible I’m getting a slight case of cabin fever. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely good to be hiding out and have nobody bother me. But I’m really missing going out in the sunlight. I feel like a vampire, or what I would imagine a vampire would feel like. My other option is to go home and get back to the real world. If I were to do that, everything is going to go absolutely crazy. I haven’t watched the news in a couple of days but last time I heard people seem to thing I disappeared into thin air. I still think people should focus on more important things and leave me the fuck alone.

I spent the day going through Ashlee’s music collection and looking through her bookshelf. She has a lot of books. Once again, she doesn’t strike me as the kind of person that likes to read. I need to stop assuming things about her because she’s definitely proven me wrong on everything. I grabbed To Kill A Mockingbird and decided that would be a good way to waste my time. I’ve never been much of a reader, basically because I don’t have enough time to read. But now I have all the time in the world so I guess I should start with a classic.

When Stargirl came home she took a deep breath and leaned against the door after she closed it. “Worst day fucking ever.”

Great, it looks like I’m going to get crazy Ashlee today. “What’s wrong?” I feel like every girl wants the guy to ask what’s wrong even if we obviously don’t want to get into details. I’ve become real good at pretending I’m listening. It’s taken many years but I’ve finally got it down to a science.

She took a deep breath before answering and I knew I was in for a long explanation, “Well first of all, my professors are idiots and one gave us like a pop exam. She never fucking told us there was going to be an exam. I don’t know why no one else complained, I was the only one that gave a shit.” Possibly because it wasn’t a pop exam. I doubt a professor would just give them an exam without any warning. I’m obviously, not going to mention that to her although I think it’s possible all that weed is killing her brain cells already. “Then my fucking astronomy teacher wouldn’t take my drawing because it’s late even though I clearly told her I was sick.”

“You were sick huh?” I asked with a smile. Sure, she was sick... or stoned out of her mind.

“Oh shut up, she didn’t know. I was fucking sniffling the whole time,” Ash said as I moved my legs and she sat down on the couch before I placed my legs back on her, “So whatever, fuck her. So then I went to get some more food and I went to get you some more clothes because you fucking smell.”

I pulled her down so she was lying on top of me, “How are you going to tell me I smell?”

“You do smell,” she answered seriously before letting the slightest giggle out. “But at least you’re shaved,” she continued, running her hand over my face, “Doesn’t it feel good? Seriously, you don’t even look a little homeless.”

“I was going for the homeless look. It’s easy, I don’t have to work for anything, and I figure it’s better than the black eye makeup and dyed hair.”

Most people would take that as a joke and move on, but not Stargirl. She grabbed a piece of my skin by my neck and pinched it tightly, “Don’t be an asshole.”

All right, she needs to let it go that fucking hurts. You would think someone as sarcastic as her would pick up on sarcasm, but my sarcasm always seems to get me in trouble. When my mother made me go to a therapist that one time he told me I use sarcasm as a defensive mechanism. I said Wow, really? I had no idea. He didn’t find it too funny.

“Alright, let go!” I tried to move her hand away but she’s fucking strong, especially when I’m lying on my back and she’s on top of me.

“Apologize.”

“I’m sorry Ashlee, let go!”

“That’s right.” She answered before standing up and walking into the kitchen. I guess she showed me whose boss. “Get off your ass and come look at what I got.”

I did as I was told, basically because she scares me just a little and I don’t want to get pinched again. There were a bunch of bags on the counter but Ashlee hit my hand away when I went to look inside. She just told me to look at what she got and now that I’m up off my ass she won’t let me look. I swear this girl is crazy.

She smiled as she went through a bag, throwing articles of clothing at me as she pulled them out, “Shirt, shirt, sweatpants, sweatshirt, shirt, jeans, shampoo… stop using mine it’s expensive. Toothbrush… you’re disgusting.”

“I’ve been brushing my teeth.”

“With what?”

“Your toothbrush,” I answered with a smile.

“You better not fucking touch my toothbrush. That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting,” she laughed when I shrugged, “I can never tell if you’re serious or not.”

“I know,” I nodded my head and stood in front of her, “I’m a hard read.”

“You’re hard in a lot of ways,” she grabbed onto my crotch.

“No I’m not,” I looked down.

“Soon,” she gave me an evil smile, “I got food, and some subs from down the street. They’re real good. Do you want to eat now? You can eat them or you can eat… me.”

I laughed as I grabbed a sub from her hand, “You’re horny as fuck, always.”

“I am not!” she grabbed the other sandwich and followed me to the couch sitting down on my lap. “Are you getting bored yet?” I shook my head. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored. Or at least I’d take being bored over going crazy with my old life. It’s kind of weird that I’m referring to my life as my new life and my old life. It’s only been a few days.

“Are you getting bored?”

“Yeah, sometimes. Oh fuck! I forgot the best part!” she slapped my arm a little too hard and stood up to grab her purse. She’s violent too, fucking crazy and violent. “So I went to find my dealer because we need more weed. So I got it,” she pulled out a bag and threw it at me, “And, guess what else he had?” I didn’t have time to guess, she had already pulled out the bag of powder. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile so big. If there was any other reason that she’s smiling it would be absolutely gorgeous, but this reason makes it look almost evil.

“That’s… nice,” I thought I was done thinking about it but seeing that bag of dust right in front of me makes me want it so bad. It’s above want, I need it. I fucking need it. “The crash…”

“Oh, the fucking crash!” she answered sarcastically, “Don’t do it then, you don’t have to do it. No one’s making you do anything. Besides, I told him about the crash because I knew you’d be bitching like a little girl so he gave me some Prozac, he said it’ll ease the crash.”

That’s about all I need to hear. I want it. “Give me some.”

Ashlee smiled and grabbed her mirror along with the already rolled up dollar bill. She formed a line, closed her left nostril and snorted the first line before closing her eyes and throwing her head back. I did a line and closed my eyes, letting the feeling come over me. I fucking love this shit.

We had conversations like I’ve ever had before. It was like we were sitting around waiting for something exciting to happen. We knew it would happen at some point, so we just entertained ourselves until it did. Whenever the high started to disappear we did another line. The more we took the better we felt. Everything was funny; Ashlee was fun, not annoying. I felt like I would be able to fly if I were to try.

“Alright let’s fuck. I’m ready” I grabbed the glass from Ashlee and took one more line after she did. I placed the glass on the table and looked to see she had already undressed herself and was ready to go before I even finished my line.

“Lay down,” she ordered as she pulled my clothes off. I lay on the couch and Ash straddled my waist falling on top of me so I could easily enter her. “Fuck!” she shouted, riding on top of me. I moved my hands up to massage her tits and she placed her hands over mine. She leaned over me and my hands moved down to her legs, as there was a knock on the door.

Ash froze and started to act paranoid. It has to be a combination of the drugs and the fact that she thinks we’re going to get caught fucking. “Keep going, why are you stopping?”

She didn’t answer, instead she put her hand over my mouth so I couldn’t speak. The knocking continued, “Ashlee sweetie, are you in there?” it’s that old guy, I can tell by the voice.

“Fuck! Fuck, fuck fuck!” she screamed in a whisper.

I pushed her hand away from my mouth, “What’s the big deal? Don’t answer it. Come on, keep going,” it’s not right to get a man going and then just stop.

“No, they’ll come in. They’ll fucking come in. Shit.”

“They have a key?” she nodded her head and crawled off me, “Why the fuck do they have a key?”

“I get locked out, all the time. I forget my keys,” she ran her hands through her hair wandering around the apartment looking for her clothes, “Shit, why is this happening?” the whining is back. “Hold on, one second,” she called out as she pulled a tank top and a pair of sweatpants over her naked body and threw a blanket at me, “Just pretend you’re sleeping.”

“Chill the fuck out, act normal” I grabbed the bag of powder and stuffed it between the cushions of the couch just in case he decides to come in.

I heard her take a deep breath before answering the door, “Hi, oh hi! Sorry! I was just… doing… the… laundry! And I didn’t know you were knocking. Yeah. Sorry! Hi!” she’s acting fucking crazy.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah! Well no. A little. Still a little… clogged.”

“Is your friend Atticus still here?”

“Atticus? Oh yeah! Atticus. He’s still here. He’s sleeping. He’s sick… very sick.”

“Well I brought you some medicine for that cold. You should make sure you take some. If you’re not feeling better by tomorrow you should go to the doctors.” He’s so sweet, but he needs to get the fuck out of here. It’s only a matter of time before Ash does something stupid enough that he realizes what she’s on.

“Oh! Thank you! How cool! I’m going to drink it all. Well, not drink it all. You know what I mean. OK! Bye!”

“Wait sweetie,” I heard him speak softly.

Shit, shit, fuck. He knows something’s going on. He better not come in because I can’t close my eyes and pretend I’m sleeping. My eyes won’t fucking close. I’m trying real hard but they will not fucking close. Not even to mention this boner that will not go down. I need to think of my grandmother but I can’t even remember who my grandmother is right now. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he continued, “Your eyes are jolting all over the place, you’re burning up. Why don’t you come back to our apartment and let us watch over you for the night. If things don’t get better we’ll take you to the doctors in the morning.”

“Oh no! That’s ok! I’m ok. WE’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE HERE TOMORROW!” why the fuck is she screaming? “I mean, we’re going to his house. So don’t… come… here… looking for us. We won’t be here!”  She’s talking normal and screaming at the same fucking time. This dude needs to leave. “Thank you! For the… Nyquil. We’ll be better. Yay! Bye!” thank god I heard the door shut.

I sat up and watched her walking around the room like she’s lost. “What the fuck was that?”

“Oh! Hi! God, I didn’t know where you were. Why were you hiding?”

“I’m not fucking hiding. You’re crazy. Come over here, I’m as hard as a fucking rock.”

“He brought me Nyquil. Do you think that works? I have a stuffy nose.”

“It’s from snorting, it’s not going to work. Shut up and get over here.”

She walked towards me slowly, as if she wasn’t sure if she should come or not. “Oh yeah! The fucking blow! Where is it? What happened to it? I need a little more, and then we can finish fucking.” I grabbed the bag from the couch, anything to shut her up and speed this along. It’s starting to fucking hurt. She snorted a line quickly and I sat up to do another, closing my eyes as the feeling came over me again. When I opened my eyes she was back to her birthday suit and positioning herself over my dick. I put my hands on her hips and pushed her down so I could get inside of her. She bounced on top of me quickly, screaming like a porn star until she reached her spot and I felt myself explode inside her.

Ash rolled off me, breathing heavily and stood up walking around in circles. I sat up and watched her; I don’t know what the fuck she’s doing. Now she’s giggling and sitting back down on the couch next to me, “Dude, the fucking toaster is singing. Do you hear it?”

The toaster is singing? She’s more fucked up than I thought. Toasters don’t sing, I know that for a fact. OK… fuck, her toaster does sing. It is singing. I’ve never known of a toaster that could sing before. I know toasters can’t sing. I know it’s the fucking blow that’s telling me a toaster can sing. But I can hear it. I can fucking hear the toaster singing Jesse’s Girl by Rick Springfield. The best part is the toaster’s impression is dead on.

“This is some good shit.”

I have no sense of time. I don’t know how long I’ve been hiding out here. I don’t know how long it’s been that Ashlee’s be sitting on the ground leaning against the couch playing with a piece of string she pulled out of her t-shirt. It could be months, it could be years, fuck it could be hours. I don’t think its hours. I think it’s more like weeks, maybe months. Fuck, I’m confused.

What I do know is it’s been a while since my skin has seen sunlight. I haven’t eaten in just about as long, but I’m not hungry. I’m thirsty though, “I’m fucking thirsty.”

Ashlee doesn’t remove her gaze from the string in her hand, “Me too, is there any more Jack?”

“No, I’m thirsty thirsty.”

“Ohh,” he held that word out for what seemed like hours, “Do you want me to make you some fucking lemonade?” she laughed.

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

“OK. But I don’t have lemons or ade. I don’t get it. What does the ade come from? It’s kind of like fruit punch, there’s fruit but what’s up with the punch part?”

“That’s just what it’s called.” I assured her, “I’m still thirsty.”

“OK, let’s figure it out,” she stood up and made her way over to me, wearing only a short t-shirt and a pair of red panties. I don’t think she’s worn a pair of pants in a month, or however long I’ve been here. Come to think of it she hasn’t worn a bra, I’m not complaining about either.  Ashlee grabbed onto my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. She opened the dishwasher, and looked inside it for what felt like minutes.

“What the fuck are we looking in here for?”

She turned her face to look at me, “I forget.”

“A drink!”

“Oh… then what are we doing here?”

I laughed and pushed her against the counter, “You’re fucked up.”

“I am not. OK, I am. A little, but so are you.”

I smiled before kissing her and placing my hands down her panties, in return she grabbed onto my dick, “OK, wait thirsty.”

“You started it!” she screamed and pushed me away so she could get in the refrigerator, “We have milk!” she shouted before pulling it out and holding it up to the light, “But there’s shit in it. Chunks. It’s cheese! Fucking cheese, let’s make some cheese… stuff.”

What could we possibly make with cheese? “I’M THIRSTY!” I shouted, I get distracted way too easily.

“Alright! I get it! I can’t make it magically appear. Heeeey… We can go to that place and get some stuff for when you’re thirsty.”

She grabbed onto my hand and led me to the door that she opened but closed quickly after noticing she was still wearing only her panties and a short t-shirt. “It’s cold!” I shouted.

“Fucking cold,” she agreed before going into the room and pulling a pair of pants and a sweatshirt on. I put my own clothes on and followed her out of her apartment. I haven’t been outside in years maybe, but it’s late and I’m fucking thirsty.

It is cold. So cold there’s that white stuff on the ground. I can’t think of what the fuck it’s called but it’s white and fluffy and it’s falling from the fucking sky.

“It’s snowing!” Ashlee shouted, “It’s snowing!” She’s shouting it over and over again but there’s no real excitement in her voice. Its like she’s just announcing it like you would if you were to see a shark in the ocean. I guess she’s warning everyone within a five-mile radius of the snow in case they’re unable to look out the fucking window.  “I don’t have any cash.”

“Me neither.” I do, however, have one of those card thingies that you put in the money machine and out pops money.

“There’s a money machine,” she informed me as she pulled the hood over her head and started rubbing her hands together. I’m positive that there is another word for that money machine but I don’t know it and I sure as fuck can’t sit around and think about it forever.

I put my card in and stood in front of it for a couple minutes trying to remember my password. It’s even harder to remember it when this girl won’t shut the fuck up. I swear she physically can’t shut her mouth for more than a minute at a time. “We should go see my dealer too cause we’re running low and get some hot chocolate… and some funnel cakes.”

“Where the fuck are we going to get a funnel cake?”

“I don’t know. A fair or something.”

“It’s snowing!”

“Well they probably have like inside ones.”

“Inside fairs?” she’s fucking crazy. She doesn’t even know what’s coming out of her mouth.

“Shut up, don’t laugh at me. It’s possible.” Now she’s pissed. She left me with the money machine and went into the corner store across the street.

I pulled my hood tighter before following her. I’m paranoid.

“Hi!” Ashlee said as soon as she walked into the store, “I’m looking for that stuff you have when you’re thirsty. You know, it’s like… drinky and stuff.” The man behind the counter looked at her like she’s crazy and pointed her to the coolers. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that thinks she’s crazy.  “Thank you!” She’s shouting again. I swear she can’t control herself. “Hmm. I wonder,” now she’s talking to some random kid next to her, “Hi. Do you have any suggestions? I’m thirsty and I don’t know what I should get to help me with my thirst.”

“Uh…” the kid began looking around before he answered, “I’d say anything in the cooler is a pretty good bet to help with your thirst. Maybe some water?”

She nodded her head, “Water. You know what’s weird? I totally have one of those things in my house. You know where you can like turn the thingy and water comes out. I didn’t even think of that. Do you have one of those at your place?”

He full out laughed and continued looking around, probably looking for some hidden cameras. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure just about everyone in the world that’s not living in a third world country has a sink in their house. What are you on?”

I wouldn’t be surprised if she told him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she sat this kid down and gave him a very detailed description of exactly what it is she’s on. She needs to just hurry the fuck up and get what she needs so we can go. Everyone’s already looking at her like she’s crazy it’s only a matter of time before they all turn to the equally doped up guy she came in with. I may be paranoid but I don’t what to have to go back to my fucked up life. I’m kind of enjoying the way I’ve been living these past weeks/months/years. I still don’t know how long I’ve been here.

“Atticus!” Stargirl yelled putting an end to any hope I ever had of getting out of here unnoticed, “What should we get to drink? This guy says water but I don’t like water that much I like Jell-O.”

I walked closer to her so she would stop screaming although I should have known better. The girl just likes to scream; it doesn’t matter if I’m on the other side of the store or not, she’s still going to scream. “Just get some shit, hurry up.” I grabbed a few bottles of soda to speed this up before walking around and getting some more stuff.

“OK! We’re all done!” she walked to the cashier dumping her arms full of food and drinks on the counter.

 I placed my shit on the counter too but handed her the cash and waited outside. They’re looking at me funny, I swear they are.

“These bags are heavy. What the fuck?” Ash asked as she struggled her way out of the store. She’s kind of adorable when she looks like she’s about to fall. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still annoying as fuck, but she has her moments.

“Let’s go. They’re looking at me funny.”

“You’re paranoid,” she started laughing hysterically. “We just gotta go get some funnel cakes then we can go back.”

I grabbed the bags from her hands, “We’re not going to get fucking funnel cakes. There’s no place to go get a funnel cake.”

“We can make one,” she’s seriously going to cry. She gets these random ideas in her head and then gets all sad like it’s the end of the world when I say it’s not possible. A couple days ago all she wanted was a slice of Key Lime Pie that she got when she was ten on a vacation to Key West. How the fuck are we supposed to get that?

“I don’t think so.”

She took a long, exaggerated breath as she continued walking to the corner her dealer is on. “You stay here. He doesn’t like you. I’ll switch,” she said handing me the plastic bag she had in her hands and I gave her the cash.

It’s a fact the dealer doesn’t like me. I don’t know why and honestly it’s kind of fucked up. They probably had something going on at some point. I don’t give a fuck but he needs to stop being such a bitch. He likes my money just fine, but every time he comes over he looks at me like I’m the devil himself. Yes, he does make house calls. I’m sure we’re the only ones he makes house calls for but sometimes we’re so fucked up we can’t even manage to go outside and around the corner to meet him. When I say we I mean Ashlee. This is my first time outside in months/years. Unless if you count the roof. I don’t count the roof. Would you count the roof? I mean, it’s outside but not on the ground or anything. It’s kind of like in the sky, or floating or something.

“Come on!” Ashlee broke me from my thoughts and walked right past me with that huge smile covering her face. She gets that smile only when she gets a new supply. I doubt she’s ever smiled that big for anything other than that. On the way back to her apartment we passed a grocery store where she insisted we go in and buy some flour and sugar and eggs. Apparently she’s going to make her own funnel cake. She’ll probably light the building on fire.

I took a deep breath when we safely made it back to her apartment. I really thought I’d get caught. “Fucking crazy.”

“What is? You are cause you’re so scared. I told you no one cares about you anymore,” she laughed before wrapping her arms around my waist, “Come on, let’s fuck.”

“I’m thirsty.”

“I don’t care,” she whined. Even when she’d doped up she whines. “OK, fine. Drink then we can fuck.” With that she climbed on the counter and grabbed the bag of powder from her sweatshirt pocket sticking her finger inside and then spreading the powder on her gums.

I poured myself a glass of whatever liquid I could get my hands on first and drank it quickly before grabbing the bag of powder from her hands and walking to the couch. I grabbed the mirror from the table and the rolled up dollar bill and got right to what it is I seem to do best. Ashlee sat down next to me and grabbed the mirror from my hand, following my example. I grabbed the remote and turned the television on before throwing my head back and itching my nose. Now I’ll be sniffling for the next three hours but it’s worth it. This high is worth anything.

“If anybody knows anything,” I heard the voice from the television and froze. I know that voice, I know that voice all too well. “Anything. Please, I beg of you please let us know. We miss him so much and we love him so much. He’s my life. He’s all I’ve ever had and I just need to know he’s ok. Justin, if you’re out there and you can hear this. We love you. We miss you. We want you to come home. We’ll find you, don’t give up. We’ll find whoever has you and they’ll pay for this.”

That was my mother. My fucking mother sounding all miserable and worried. She’s talking about me; I’m the Justin she’s talking about. I turned the television off but couldn’t remove my gaze from the blank television in front of me.

“They think someone took you,” Ashlee started laughing, “Like you’re seven and got kidnapped. Don’t they know you’re a grown ass man and you wouldn’t get kidnapped?”

“Shut up,” I answered calmly, still unable to look away from the screen.

“Like you were just walking down the street and this guy was like, hey little boy, want some candy? And you were like yeah mister I’d love some candy, let me get right into your big black van so you can give me some.”

‘Shut up,” I answered a little louder.

“Or some creep was like, hey little boy I lost my puppy will you help me find it?”

“Shut the fuck up!” I screamed this time finally able to look away from the television, “Shut the fuck up.”

“It’s kinda funny, you have to admit,” she’s still laughing.

“No, it’s not funny actually. Not even close. Not even a little bit.”

“God,” she threw her hands in the air and pulled her pants off, “You’re so fucking touchy. Call her then. You should call her and let her know you’re alive. Let her know you’re ok.”

I nodded my head and grabbed the phone from the table, took a deep breath and dialed the number.

“Hello?” I heard her voice and felt my heart stop beating. I didn’t know how much I missed her, honestly I didn’t think about her that much but now that I hear her voice. I mean, she’s my mother. I didn’t mean to run away from her, she wasn’t the problem.  I couldn’t have told her though because she would have given me away. She’s too pure to lie; she’d come up with some other solution like she always does. But they never seem to work. “Hello?

I sniffled, “Hey,” I answered softly.

My mother sounds like she’s crying already. All I needed to say was one word, three letters, and she knows who I am. “Justin? Baby, is that you?”

“Yeah Ma, it’s me.”

“Where are you? What’s going on? Are you ok? Does someone have you? Are you hurt? Justin!”

My head’s pounding already and I can hardly see straight. The coke is going right to my head, “I’m alive. I’m ok. I’ll call you when I can.” I paused to sniffle once again. Dammit that’s annoying. “I love you.” I said quickly before slamming the phone down. That was harder than I thought it would be. Much harder. I didn’t think my mother would be that upset. I didn’t think she’d care that much, I didn’t think anyone would.

I looked at Ashlee, fully expecting her to start her annoying giggling but to my surprise she didn’t. “Maybe you should go back.”

I shook my head; I don’t want to go back. I just don’t want my mother to be so upset. “I’ll call her more… so she doesn’t worry.”

Ash nodded her head and leaned back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. “Yeah, you should call her more. She’s worried. Moms shouldn’t be worried.”

I nodded my head and fell back along with her, “Isn’t your mom worried?”

“No. My mom doesn’t care.”

“I thought your mom was dead.”

“Well… that’s why she doesn’t care, cause she’s dead,” she says but for some reason I don’t believe her. She slaps my leg and our emotional moment is over, “Let’s make funnel cakes!”

Ash gets up and heads over to the kitchen but I lay on the couch instead. I’m not like her. I can’t just move on so quickly. I can’t get the sound of my mother’s voice out of my head, or that look on her face when she was on television.  She really thinks someone was out to get me.  She really thinks I’m being tortured when I’m doing all this shit to myself.

I dozed off and woke up to Ashlee banging her head over and over against my leg. She’s sitting on the floor and playing with an elastic, I doubt she even knows that she’s hitting my leg.  “What happened to the funnel cakes?”

“Oh shit!” she shouted and ran into the kitchen. Luckily for the apartment building and all of New York she didn’t get too far. There’s a bowl with some flower and an egg in it and a frying pan full of oil that was never even put on the burner. “I don’t really know how to make them,” more whining, “I mean I know they’re like stringy but I don’t know how to make the batter stuff.”

“We can look it up online.” I suggested before working into the kitchen.

“You’re so smart.”

“I am. I’m glad you finally see it.”

I can’t really explain what happened next. It happened in slow motion but I’m so fucked up I don’t even know what happened. What I do know is that the door was kicked in and all of a sudden a swarm of men came running into Star Girl’s apartment.

“Get on the floor! Get on the fucking floor!” one of them screamed and I did what I was told. They’ve got more funs than a fucking gun shop I’m not one to take a stand against that.

Ashlee, on the other hand, thought now would be a great time to take a stand against the guys. “You get on the fucking floor! This is my house! What the fuck? I’m trying to make a funnel cake!”

Her true New Yorker is coming out, that’s for damn sure. I look over at her and tell her to just chill and get down. There’s no doubt in my mind these guys will shoot her. She rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and slowly made her way to the ground only to be forced back up a couple seconds later.

This can’t be good.

This would be a lot easier if the room wasn’t spinning. Even more easier if the guy questioning me would slow down and stop screaming, not even to mention if he would stop floating around the room like a ghost. I have no idea what’s going on. I know I was living the past weeks or months or years in my own world with Star Girl. I know that that life was interrupted when these assholes kicked the door in and took us out like we’re fucking homeless people living in an old warehouse.

It’s cold and I didn’t even have a jacket and it was snowing and did I mention I’m coked out of my fucking mind? I feel like my whole body is about to explode and I can’t do anything but listen to this bastard…

“Justin!”

“WHAT?” I shouted back, “Stop fucking screaming.”

“Do you know how much trouble you’re in?”

I licked my lips and looked around the room. There’s nothing but a table and two chairs, I’m sitting in one and this guy is sitting across from me. We’re in a police office, so I assume I’m in a bit of trouble. “Not exactly,” I answered softly. “I want my lawyers.”

“You really are fucked up out of your mind. Dude, what happened to you? It’s me, Ryan, your fucking lawyer.”

Ryan, my lawyer. Shit I remember him. He’s been my lawyer for as long as I can remember.  We’re friends too, or at least we used to be. I don’t think I have any friends anymore, except maybe Stargirl. Although, I’m pretty sure she’s not going to be my friend after all of this.  We went to Lakers games together. I think he was one of the few real friends, or he could have been one of the bastards that used me for the courtside seat, “Hey man, what’s up?”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Well I can’t see you. Would you stay still and stop floating around the room?”

“What are you on?” I started to answer but he held up a hand, “Don’t answer that right now. How the fuck am I going to get you out of this?”

“Work your magic. Where’s Stargirl?”

“I have no idea who that is. Look, you need to sober up, have some coffee or something.”

I pushed the mug away; it’s funny that he thinks a cup of coffee will sober me up. “Where is she?”

“The girl? I don’t know, she’s out making her one phone call? Who gives a shit, we need to focus here.”

I laughed at him because I can’t focus on my name much less how we’re going to get me out of this shit. Instead, I walked out of the room on a mission to find Star Girl. It wasn’t hard to find her; she was leaning against the wall harassing an officer.

“You have one phone call,” he told her.

“I don’t want a phone call.”

“You should call somebody.”

“I don’t have anybody to call.” Why is she giving this guy attitude, she’s worse off than I am.

“Everybody has somebody to call. What about your mother?”

“I don’t have a mother.”

“Everybody has a mother.”

“Not me,” she crossed her arms and leaned back further.

“Well then, who raised you?”

“Wolves. Wolves and monkeys and rats and alligators. They took turns, like each month was a new animal. Pigeons took a month too, and bears and then there was that crazy month with the hippos.”

I thought that was my cue to step in since this guy looks like he’s about to lock her up just for being a smartass. “Just call someone.”

“I don’t want to call anybody. I take care of myself. I’ll trade you though, you can have my one phone call if I can have my funnel cake.”

I took a deep breath, “Can we have a minute alone?” I asked the officer. We should probably get our stories straight. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing here. Since when is it a felony to get a little coked out? How’d they just come into her house like that? Where’s the fucking paper thingy they need. Damn, I wish I wasn’t so fucked up right now and I could fight this shit.

“Absolutely not,” the officer crossed his arms over his chest, trying to act tough, “If you think you’re getting any special treatment because of who you are…”

“Dude, fuck you. I’m not asking for any special treatment,” I turned to Star Girl mid sentence, or at least where she used to be; now she slid down to sit on the floor. I couldn’t tell you why, especially since there’s a bench two feet away from her. I sat down next to her and spoke softly so that bastard couldn’t hear, “We need to talk about…”

“About how you’re an idiot?” she broke in, “About how you’re a complete moron who calls your mother from my fucking phone? You couldn’t have used your cell phone? You couldn’t have used the fucking pay phone we were at a few minutes earlier?”

“You told me to call her!”

“I was coked out of my mind! Why would you listen to me?”

“So was I, don’t blame me!”

“Stop yelling,” she’s back to the whining, “I’m going to crash soon, do you have anything?”

“No, are you serious?” I whispered as she buried her head in her knees, “I didn’t exactly have a chance to grab the stash.”

“Oh, cause its my fault now? You were on my fucking roof. I should have let you jump…” she finished under her breath.

“Great, I’m glad we got that out in the open.” I answered. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That’s fucked up.

“Excuse me,” she called out to the officer, “can we go home now?”

“That’s highly unlikely sweetheart.”

“I left my stove on,” she lied. She’s not even trying to sell it; she’s just spilling out the lies. “I could light the whole building on fire.”

“Someone will take care of it,” he answered.

“I don’t even have any fucking pants on and it’s fucking cold!”

“Why don’t you get off the floor then?” he asked, “You can follow me into the questioning room.”

“Oh can I? Really? How exciting!” she answered sarcastically and pulled her legs even closer to her chest, “Don’t I have rights? I’m stuck here in my undies!”

“They’re cute at least, superman,” the officer answered as he sat down at his desk and flipped through some papers.

“That’s like… sexual harassment isn’t it?” she asked me but seemed to get over it quickly before she started whining again, “Can I go home now?”

I’m sure she continued whining but I couldn’t hear it anymore. All I could hear was my mother, “Where is he?” she screamed over and over again. I was scared to face her, scared to stand up and see her. I know I’m not looking too good right now, and the last thing I want is for my mother to realize how fucked up I really am. I looked over at Star Girl who was still whining, I couldn’t hear her but her lips were moving. It wouldn’t surprise me if there weren’t any actual words coming out, she may have forgotten how to talk. That would be amazing if she forgot how to talk, I don’t think I’m that lucky.

I took a deep breath and stood up, because I had to. My mom would have found me anyway. I wasn’t prepared for that look on her face and as soon as I saw it I wanted to sit back down and hide. She ran over to me and pulled me into a hug with all her might. Either she got really strong or I got really weak. She’s crying a lot, I don’t know if it’s good crying or bad crying.

“I just think I should be able to go home,” Stargirl whined and made her way to the officer at his desk, “I didn’t do anything wrong. Are you going to arrest me or are you going to send me home? I mean really, you have no right to arrest…”

“Just shut up, get in the room!” he shouted, apparently he’s had enough.

“Or?”

“Or you’ll go to fucking jail. Do you understand how much shit you’re in? You don’t. I tried to help you, I tried to make sure you got your one phone call but you don’t want it. You don’t give a shit, so we’ll see how much you care when you’re in a cell for the next couple years. Let’s go!” He grabbed onto her arm and pulled her away.

“Are you alright? Sweetie, it’s so good to see you. Is everything ok?” my mother continued talking. She’s probably been talking the whole time.

 I’m getting fucking claustrophobic.  “Where are they taking her?”

My mother looked at me, then at Ashlee then back at me again. “I don’t know Justin.”

“She doesn’t think before she speaks Ma, and she’s fucked up. She doesn’t know what she’s saying and she doesn’t have a lawyer…”

“Alright, come on,” she grabbed onto my hand and led me into the other room. We stood in a room watching a TV screen recording Star Girl and the officer in another room.

She paced around the room, looking around for who knows what. “Take a seat,” he told her.

“Where would you like me to take it?” she rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall, “I should be able to go home because I don’t even know why I’m here. I’m a good girl and I have rights… it’s not like I’m in Mexico or like fucking China. I’m in American and I have rights! I’m innocent until proven guilty.”

“Then let’s get you a drug test and we can prove that you’re guilty.”

“Yeah! Except no. See, I don’t have to do that cause I have rights and stuff.”

“But not a lawyer since you didn’t want to make that call, you’ll have a court appointed…”

“I would rather… appoint…. Myself as a lawyer.” She said before making her way over to the chair and finally sitting down, “Go ahead, let’s get this over with so I can go home.”

“Great,” he said as he placed a notebook on the table, “What are you on?”

“A chair. On the floor, next to a table in a room in a building that you took me to, in the city, with the snow, in a big house, with a cat, and a monkey, and a grandma and everyone is sleeping.”

“OK,” he answered. Not even I’m following her now, “Where did you meet Justin Timberlake?”

“On the roof. Where did you meet Justin Timberlake?”

“Are you aware that he was considered missing for the last three months?”

“It’s better than being dead, right?” she chuckled, “Do you think I stole him? Do you think I held him against his will and made him fuck me? Do you think I’m like this crazy Fan girl? I don’t even know any of his songs. Can I go now?”

“No. How did you get him to stay with you?”

“I tied him up and locked the door. And then I fed him through a mail slot. Any more awesome questions or can I go home?”

“This isn’t right,” my mother shook her head and headed towards the room. I followed her even though I have no clue what she’s planning on doing, “It’s not fair ya’ll are questioning her now. She doesn’t know what she’s sayin’. Ryan, you need to get in there and represent her. This isn’t fair.”

“She doesn’t know what she’s saying,” I said.

“Well obviously not Justin, you just look at her. She’s not thinking straight. She’s a friend of yours we gotta take care of her. She’s not even wearing any pants, they’re not even going to give her pants?” I do love my mother. It’s just like her to give Star Girl all the hope in the world. My mother went right into that room and grabbed onto Ashlee’s hand, “Come on Sugar, you don’t need to be spoken to like that. We need to get you some pants. How are ya’ll not going to give the girl pants?”

“I just want my funnel cake,” she whined.

“I know you do darling, we need to get you cleaned up,” my mother said as she pulled Ash into a hug. How does my mother know she wants a funnel cake, and more importantly why the fuck is Ash still on the damn funnel cake. Why can’t she just get over it already?

“OK, I don’t hug though,” Stargirl said as she tried to get out of my mother’s grip. “Atticus, I don’t hug, get her off me.”

We were trapped in the police office for what felt like hours but now, finally, my people managed to work their magic and get us out for the court date in a couple days. The court date is a complete waste of time. They’re trying to get me to press charges against Star Girl for kidnapping me or whatever shit they’re saying she did to me. Oddly enough, my mother’s the only one that thinks she’s innocent.

“They trashed my fucking place!” Ash shouted as we stepped into her apartment.

“I know! It was clean as shit when we left,” I answered sarcastically.

Ash giggled as she wrapped her arms around my waist, “Shit isn’t clean.”

My mother cleared her throat and we both looked at her, realizing for the first time she was here. “Why don’t you get your stuff sweetie?”

Ash looked at me, then at my mother, then back at me, “I have my stuff. Thanks for the ride home. I can show you out…”

“Oh no, sweetie we can’t leave you alone. You have to come back with us to Justin’s apartment.”

“Oh no, um… no,” she said as she started to pace around the room nervously, “We’re going to stay here because this is where we stay. And you can go to his house and then we’ll call you before we have to go back to that place and stuff. So I can… show you out.”

Ryan took a deep breath, “Look Ashlee, it’s not an option. Get some shit together and we’re leaving. You’re coming, we’re all going. You come with us or you go back to the police station. Your choice. It’s late, I’m tired, this is complete bullshit. Let’s go.”

“Dude, chill,” who does this asshole think he is?

“Oh, I’m chilling Justin. I’ll wait outside.”

“What the fuck is his problem?”

“Nothing sweetie. We’re all just tired. Ashlee do you want me to help you get some stuff together?”

“Do I have to go?” she whined. My mother nodded her head and Ash pouted her way into her room like a six year old.

  I sat on the couch and my mother sat down next to me.  She seems to just look at me a lot. She looks like she’s about to cry but I don’t know if she’s happy I’m alive or sad I’m so fucked up. Probably some kind of a combination.

Star Girl came out a few minutes later with a backpack in her hands. She’s finally wearing pants and a sweatshirt but she still looks pissed. When we got to my apartment I froze in the doorway. I forgot about this place. It’s weird to think I was living so close at Star Girl’s place but it felt like its worlds away. The apartment is amazing but it also reminds me of everything I hate, everything I tried to get away from. Now it’s right here, in my face again. I don’t think I’m ready for that.

“Fuck Atticus, you didn’t tell me you had a place here. Especially this damn place. Seriously?”

“Seriously.” I finally made myself walk through the doorway, “I’m going to bed. Come on.”

“Of course, you must be tired. I’ll make up the guest room for Ashlee.” My mother said before heading towards the guest room.

“No Ma, we’re fine. Just go to bed.” I had to catch her before she left to give her a hug. I guess she needs that.

“OK. It’s so good to see you again. You had me so worried,” she forced a smile so I wouldn’t see her cry. She’s always been strong but I feel like she’s about to reach her breaking point. “Do you need anything?

Yeah, some coke would be nice.  You got any of that?  

“Fine Ma, it’s my house. Go to bed.” I said as I turned to Ashlee who was busy pacing around the room. She’s not too impressed with the place, things like that don’t faze her. She’s pacing around the room because she needs a fix. “Come on Ash.”

She jumped at the sound of her name but followed me into my room. “Ahh, so annoying,” she said as she sat on the floor leaning against the bed. Well first she pulled her pants off, that’s kind of a given. She has a problem wearing pants, and apparently sitting in chairs as well.  “As soon as she falls asleep we can leave.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“WHAT? Ok, well then I’m leaving.”

“You’re not leaving either.”

“Yeah, I am. Obviously,” she laughed.

“No, you’re not. Come on Ash, seriously where are you going to go?”

“Home?”

“Yeah. You really don’t understand how much shit we’re in. They think you kidnapped me.”

“Yeah well I didn’t so fuck that. They can’t arrest me for something I didn’t do.”

“But they can arrest you for something you did do, like all that fucking coke.”

She threw her head back and took a deep breath, “Ugh, you’re so annoying. You sound like my dad.”

“Your dad? Does he tell you that?”

“It’s a saying, would you relax? Come on, calm down,” the whining is back as she pulled her supply from her backpack, “Relax. The fucking swat team isn’t as good and finding shit as they should be.”

I sat down next to her faster than I’ve ever sat down next to anybody in my life, “You’re a lifesaver.”

Star Girl didn’t answer, she was too busy snorting. She threw her head back and took a deep breath before handing the mirror over to me. I felt her lips on my neck and her hands down my pants but I pushed her away so I could get my fix. It didn’t stop her; her lips were back on my neck in a matter of seconds. I picked her up and threw her on the bed. I pulled her panties off and she ripped her shirt off before I could get to it.

“Hurry up! You’re so fucking slow!”

“Shut up, you gotta be quiet.” She’s always so damn loud. I don’t give a shit when we’re all alone in her apartment but it’s a different story when my mother is a few rooms away.

“Then hurry up,” she whined as she pulled my shirt off and pushed my sweatpants down with her feet.

I wrapped her leg around me and entered her hard. She screamed and I whispered, “Shut the fuck up.”

“I know, your Mommy is gonna come in and catch us,” she giggled.

“Shut up,” I put my hand over her mouth because I don’t trust her, not even for a second. I don’t know in what alter universe it would be even the slightest bit funny if my mother came in and caught us fucking with the remains of an eight ball sprawled on the floor. Just because I’m coked up doesn’t mean I become an idiot; I can’t say the same about Star Girl. It’s a good thing I covered her mouth because she would have been screaming the whole time we were fucking. Don’t get me wrong, I’m usually all for the screaming but not when my mother’s down the hall.

I could feel her tensing up so I held pressed my hand harder against her lips. She still screamed even though it was muffled and bit my hand while digging her fingernails into my back. “Ow, fuck!” I shouted.

“Shh, you’re going to wake Mommy.” She giggled as I fell down next to her, surveying the bite marks on my hand.

“You’re a bitch.”

“Don’t cover my mouth like I’m a fucking child.”

“You are a fucking child.”

“Then you just fucked a child.” There were a few seconds of silence before she started giggling again. I joined in because it is kind of funny. Then there was silence. “What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “I have good lawyers.”

“I don’t.”

“My lawyers are your lawyers.”

“They think I kidnapped you. How can they be both our lawyers?”

I started giggling like a teenager. It’s really hysterical that they think she kidnapped me. As if she could have if she tried, like I wouldn’t be able to sneak out. What do they think she threatened me with funnel cakes?     

“I still think I should leave,” she continued.

“You’re not going anywhere.”

“I am going everywhere,” she paused trying to make sense of what she said, “I’m not good with moms and lawyers and laws and big pent houses with big windows and beds and… I just want to do my own shit and have nobody bother me.”

“It’s just a fucking court date then you can go back home.”

“Yeah, and you can go back to your fucking jumping off roofs. What the hell?”

“I live a fucking mile away from you.”

“Yeah and you’re gonna be working and shit. You hate that fucking shit, that’s all I heard about. And now just cause you’re mom cried a little bit you’re all ready to go back. What makes you think it’s going to be better?”

“I didn’t say I was doing shit. I just said I don’t think we should run away like fucking fugitives.”

“I’m not a fugitive,” she answered softly, “This is bullshit.”

I’ve never seen her act like this before and apparently I’ve been with her for three months. Sure, I don’t remember most of those days but I’m positive that I’d remember her acting like this. It’s almost like she’s showing some kind of weakness, some kind of fear. Not Star Girl. That’s not possible.

“We just have to make it to the court date, then we’re free.”

“OK fine, but then I’m leaving. I’ll sneak out in the middle of the night and…”

“Shut up,” I broke in and pulled her on top of me, “Stop talking. You’re dirty, you’re fucking dirty.”

“You’re dirty. You need to wash your hair.”

“You need to wash your hair,” I replied as I ran my hands through her greasy hair. I couldn’t tell you the last time either of us showered. I picked her up and carried her to the bathroom. I sat her on the counter and turned the shower on, waiting for it to warm up.

“Are you going to fuck me in the shower?”

“That’s the plan.”

“What if we can’t fuck anymore?” the whining is back, “What if they say I’m a bad influence and you’re not allowed to fuck me anymore.”

What’s up with all her deep fucking thoughts? Who is this girl? “Then I tell them to fuck off. Nobody tells me what to do.”

As I moved closer to her she wrapped her legs around my waist and I was hard in a second. She’s never had a problem getting me hard, ever since that first fucking night. Damn, that feels like years ago. I picked her up and carried her into the shower, holding her up against the wall as I grinded into her. She screamed plenty but I didn’t have the energy to tell her to stop. She looks so fucking hot with the water falling over her body. Besides, the sound of the shower will block out the screaming a little. I don’t give a fuck if it doesn’t. 

There’s something about the shower fuck, something I can’t even begin to explain. Having her pinned up against the shower wall like that, her tits bouncing with the water falling all over her. Not even to mention how good it is in general to fuck when we’re coked. It’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life and that’s no exaggeration.

When I pulled out of her and put her down she fell right to the floor. Weak in the knees, it happens. I grabbed the shampoo and put some in my hair before handing it down to her, but she didn’t grab it. “You alright, kid?” She nodded her head but still made no movement for the shampoo, “You gonna wash your hair?” Nothing. I squirted some shampoo on the top of her head but she just left it there and pulled her knees to her chest. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this girl. I sat down next to her and rubbed the shampoo into her hair. She’s hardly even moving, it’s like something came over her and she’s in her own world. I stood up and grabbed the showerhead so I could wash it out of her hair. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

“Just leave it,” she finally looked up at me, “Go to bed, just give me a minute.”

“Alright,” I kissed her forehead and climbed out of the shower, leaving her on the ground with the water still running over her. She worries me sometimes; I wish I had some idea what the fuck was going on in her mind. She’s more fucked up than I am, that’s for sure. I left the light on the bedside table on but turned the other ones off and climbed into bed. I couldn’t sleep. An hour later I went into the bathroom and saw her in the same place she was in when I left her.

“Ash, come on,” I said before turning off the water. She looked up at me without saying a word. It almost looks like she’s been crying, but it’s probably just from the shower. I helped her up and wrapped a towel around her, “Are you alright?”

She didn’t answer, or make any kind of a movement.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

The smell of bacon combined with the sound of the oil cracking woke me up around eleven. I turned my gaze to Star Girl who was still fast asleep and quietly put my clothes on and headed out to the kitchen. I figure I’ll let her sleep; I wouldn’t be surprised if she was up all night. The one time I woke up close to six she was lying on her back looking up at the ceiling.

“Morning Ma,” I hugged her before sitting down at the table. I’m actually feeling all right today, maybe it’s because I’m waking up in my own place. My bed is like sleeping on a cloud compared to Star Girl’s lumpy mattress.

“Good morning sweetie, how are you feeling this morning?”

“I’m fine, thanks.” I grabbed a piece of the bacon she placed in front of me.

“Where’s the girl?” I looked to my right and noticed Ryan was sitting right there next to me.

“I think she uh, snuck out the window last night,” I’m pretty sure he used to be my friend but he sure is an asshole. Maybe he was one of those people that pretended to be my friend for those Lakers tickets.

Ashlee walked out of the bedroom as if on cue. She’s wearing a tank top and a pair of boy shorts, of course. She takes one look at me then turns her gaze to my mother and takes a deep breath before running her hands over her eyes.

“Good morning Ashlee!” my mother is way too bubbly for this early in the morning. Ash walked to the table slowly, she’s definitely still feeling the high. I don’t think she had much more than I did. I don’t understand it. I guess I’m getting more used to it, but she should be too.

“Nice pants,” Ryan replied under his breath before pouring syrup over his pancakes.

“Thank you, Turkey.” Ash replied sarcastically with an eye roll.

“How do you like your eggs sweetie?”

“Um… just coffee.”

“Did you sleep alright?” my mother asked as she placed a cup of coffee in front of her. Ash nodded her head but she definitely looks like she’s wishing she were somewhere else, anywhere else. My mother continued talking, I couldn’t really tell you what she was saying. My head is beginning to hurt.

I watched Ryan get up and place his empty plate in the sink before grabbing onto his briefcase and making his way back to the table. “If I’m going to represent both of you I need to know what’s going on.” I turned to Star Girl who was looking into her coffee as if it were speaking to her. “Justin.”

“Huh?”

“What happened? We need to know how you got to her apartment and what it was like while you’re there. How’d she get you to stay? I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to represent you both when the girl kept you there.”

Kept me there? They really do think she drugged me and kept me there against my will.

My mother looked between both Ashlee and myself, “You just need to tell us what happened.”

“I’m not… going to press charges or anything…”

 Ashlee looked away from her cup of coffee for the first time to give me the dirtiest look possible, “Oh, you’re not going to press charges? That’s so kind of you, so fucking kind of you,” she stood up and stormed back into my bedroom.

“Justin, you need to press charges,” Ryan said before I even heard the door slam.

“No, he does not,” my mother added, “Maybe we don’t know the whole story Ryan, maybe…” my mother kept talking, or the two of them kept arguing. I found that as my chance to go after Star Girl.

I looked around the bedroom and she was nowhere to be found. The bathroom door was closed so I opened it to see her sitting on the ground against the door. I sat down next to her and closed the door again.

“It was supposed to open the other way,” she spoke softly before leaning back against the door, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she spoke louder and punched me in the arm.

“Don’t hit me.”

“Fuck you! You’re going out there acting like I fucking kidnapped you and you say I can’t fucking hit you?”

“Calm down, I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem. You didn’t say anything. I’m going to go to fucking jail because you showed up on my roof while I was trying to do my damn homework. If I let you jump none of this fucking shit would have happened. And it’s not like you would have jumped, you’re a fucking coward anyway you wouldn’t have done it.”

“What do you want me to do?” I shouted.

“Tell them the fucking truth! Tell them you ran away from everything like a coward and were on my roof ready to plummet to your death but then I found you and talked you out of it. How about a thank you? No, instead you’re just going to sit there and let everyone think I’m a kidnapper.”

“I’m not going to press charges,” I answered softly, she seems to be forgetting that.

“That’s such bullshit!” she shouted and stood up so she could pace around the bathroom, “You need to tell them the truth, that’s fucked up. You’re this huge star with like, so much fucking money and people are obsessed with you. They’re going to fucking kill me, and just because you don’t press charges doesn’t mean shit.”

“I can’t tell my mother that I was going to jump.” I answered honestly.

“Oh, ok then. Take me down so you don’t have to look bad in front of Mommy. You fucking asshole!” she kicked me before opening the door and walking back into my bedroom. “I’m leaving. I’m so fucking done with you and all your shit.”

“You can’t just leave…”

“Do you want to see me?” she shouted as she got down on her knees and grabbed the remainder of the coke from under the bed and put it in her backpack.

“Do you think they’re just going to fucking let you go?” I threw my hands up.

“Do you think I give a shit?”

I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair, “You’re just going to run away like fucking fugitive?”

“Ugh, stop,” she whined and threw her hands through her hair nervously, “Stop. I don’t know and I sure as hell wouldn’t tell you because you’d go and sell me out anyway.  I just… want to go back to my house and be done with this and be done with you.” Ash sat down at the edge of the bed and took a few deep breaths. She’s having a panic attack or tweaking or some kind of a combination of both.

“Alright, just calm down.”

“GET OUT!” she pushed me away. “I want you to go away. I want all this to go away.”

“You stop, alright. You’re working yourself up you’re going to go fucking crazy. Just stay in here for a minute, lay down.”

“I’m leaving.”

“I know you’re fucking leaving. Just give me a couple minutes. Chill out, you’re going to have a fucking seizure.” I took a deep breath before walking back into the kitchen. I went right for the refrigerator and grabbed a beer, downing it quickly before grabbing another one and sitting down at the table.

“Justin…” my mother began but I cut her off.

“Alright, I’m saying this once and then that’s it. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, no fucking questions. I’m saying what I need to say then I’m going back into my room and you’re both going to leave us alone and do what you have to do without us. I know damn straight that I don’t have to go back into that courtroom and you’re going to figure it out by yourself.” I looked at Ryan who got his notebook ready, “If you can’t I’ll find another damn lawyer who can do his fucking job.”

“I’m ready.”

“Kristen was cheating on me since we started dating. I was depressed and fucking lost and hated my life. All the shit was hitting the fan and I was sick of everything… like how I can’t go anywhere without a crowd of people following me around. I was done, fucking ready to end it,” I looked at Ryan because I couldn’t stand to look at my mother, “I went up to the top of the first building I came across and was hanging over the edge ready to jump when Star Girl came over. She talked me out of jumping and I hid out in her apartment for the past however long it’s been. That’s it. She didn’t kidnap me; I stayed there on my own. If anything she saved me. So we’re done. Obviously I’m not pressing any charges because she did nothing wrong.”

I stood up and walked back towards the bedroom since I’m done talking before Ryan spoke, “And what would you like me to say about the fact that you’re both stoned out of your fucking minds?”

I laughed and shook my head as I continued walking back to the room, “I don’t know man, figure it out.”

When I closed the door to my room Star Girl literally jumped a foot in the air. She was sitting on the ground leaning against the bed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the girl hates chairs almost as much as she hates pants. I held her gaze for a half a second before she turned her attention back to the mirror in her lap.

“You’re going to snort without me?’

She nodded her head, “I’m going to snort before I leave.”

“You don’t have to leave, it’s taken care of.” I reached for the mirror.

Ash pulled it away, “What do you mean?”

“I mean I told them the truth. We’re fine.”

“We’re fine? No.”

“Yeah. Just let it go, will you? I told them what happened. Ryan is taking care of it, we won’t even have to go to court.”

“I don’t want him to take care of it,” she’s whining again, “He’s a fucking asshole.”

I laughed, “He is an asshole. I’ll fire him. If you give me some blow I’ll fucking kick his ass and then fire him.”

“OK, can I help?” she giggled when I nodded my head before finally passing the mirror, “Good.” She answered before pulling her shirt off and moving to the bed. “Can we just get them out of here?”

“They’re fine. Just shut the fuck up, stop complaining, and let me fuck you.”

Ashlee giggled again, “this shit makes you so horny.”

“Me?” I laughed, “You’re already fucking naked and wet.”

“I’m hot,” she tried to make an excuse.”

“Oh, it’s sweat huh?” I smiled before pulling my pants off and crawling on top of her, “Whatever you say Star Girl.”

The knocking on the door woke me up far too early. It doesn’t matter that it’s two o’clock in the afternoon, if I’m sleeping and I get woken up than it’s too early. I don’t remember much of yesterday except that I didn’t leave the room except for once when to raid the fridge. The knocking got louder causing Ashlee to whine and put a pillow over her head.

“Justin!” Ryan’s voice echoed through the room. What is this guy’s problem?

“Shut up, Turkey” she said in a whisper.

“I’m coming in!” he shouted. I didn’t get up but I did look over at Star Girl who was lying next to me wearing only a tank top. She doesn’t look like she’s moving either so I pulled the sheet over to cover her lower half. It’s not like she cares, or even noticed that she’s half naked but we don’t need him looking at her like that. Ryan took a deep breath when he saw us both in bed. “Get up!”

“Fuck you,” I answered before placing my arm over my head to block the sunlight as my mother walked in and decided to open the blinds.

“You two need to get up sweetie,” my mother said softly.

“We’re busy, come back tomorrow,” was Ashlee’s response.

“You need to get some things together.” My mother began before sitting down at the foot of my bed for a few seconds in silence. I didn’t remove my arm from covering my eyes but I could tell she was there; I could feel her breathing next to me. She took a deep breath before standing up. “I really wish the two of you would come out to the living room so we can talk.”

“Well I really wish the two of them would leave us alone,” Ashlee said before they were even out of the room.

I took a deep breath and sat up in bed, “We should go.”

“Yeah, we should,” she answered without moving, “or we could lock the door, don’t you have a lock on the door? How do you not have a lock on your door?”

“I don’t know.” that’s a good question. I guess I just assumed I would never need a lock on my own bedroom at my own place. “Let’s just go see what they want.”

“Or we could tell them to fuck off and go back to sleep.”

I stood up and pulled my clothes on before tossing a pair of sweats at her, “Just come on.”

“I don’t want to,” she whined while she pulled the sweats on, “This is so stupid, I don’t know why we can’t just fucking leave. How long am I supposed to stay here?”

“Would you shut the fuck up? I don’t know, I don’t know anything more than you fucking know. All I know is my mother knows what the fuck she’s talking about so if she wants to talk to us then we’re going to go fucking talk to her.”

“What are you ten? Seriously. Whatever Mommy says is what we’re going to do?”

I took another deep breath; it’s too early to deal with her shit. “I’m not good at fucking thinking right now Ash. I couldn’t even tell you my middle name, so I’m thinking maybe I could use a little input from someone that remembers to put pants on before walking around the place when other people are here.”

“Oh fuck you! What does that mean? I remember to put pants on.”

I ignored her and went out to the living room where my mother and Ryan were sitting down. I’m not sure if she’ll come out, in fact I’m pretty sure she won’t, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to talk her into it. She’s her own person; I’m not in charge of her. God knows she does what she wants.

“What is up with that girl?” Ryan asked when I sat down on the couch, “Is she coming?”

It seems that I’ve become a pro at ignoring people so I’ll just go ahead and ignore this asshole too. “What do you want?”

“This girl is trouble,” Ryan continued, “Why are you wasting your time with her? She’s…”

“Ryan, stop” my mother broke in. I’m glad she did or I would have had to break his nose. For some reason my mother seems to like Star Girl. I guess she sees something in her that no one else does. Sure, sometimes I wonder why I waste my time but she was there for me when I needed someone and for some reason I can’t walk away.

Ash stumbled out of the bedroom and sat down on the couch next to me. She kept sniffling and running her hands through her hair nervously as she pulled her knees up to her chest.

“Thank you for coming out Ashlee.” I didn’t miss Ryan’s eye roll as my mother spoke. “We need you guys to pack up some things because… Well, sometimes people get caught up in self-destructive things. Just because someone participates in some bad things doesn’t make them a bad person and we don’t think either of you are bad people; in fact we know you aren’t. But we can’t sit back and watch you continue this self destructive behavior.”

What is she saying? It sounds like she’s…

“Is this a fucking intervention?” Ashlee interrupted my thoughts, “I’m not interested.”

“We found a very nice center not too far away.”

“Fuck that,” Ashlee stood up before my mother could finish, “I don’t need this shit. I’m fine. I don’t need your fucking bullshit intervention. There’s nothing wrong with me, you’re not my mother.”

“Look, it’s not a damn option,” Ryan spoke up, “You’re going, it’s not like you have a fucking choice. Court ordered, sweetheart.”  He held out a piece of paper with the information on it.

“Don’t call me sweetheart. I’m not your sweetheart, I’m not anyone’s fucking sweetheart!” she screamed. Damn, she’s getting all pissed off like he called her a bitch. I didn’t know sweetheart was such a bad word. “I’m not going because I’m going home and you all call fuck off. Especially you,” she pointed to me, “You can especially fuck off.”

“Ash, calm down,” I stood up and grabbed onto her arm to stop her from going out the door.

She pulled her arm out of my grip, “Fuck you! I’m calm; I’m way fucking calm. I’m not going to a rehab shit hole because your fucking… stupid ass people think you need help. I told you, I fucking told you we should have left. Now you have to go to fucking rehab.”

“It’s like a week… tops. Who the fuck cares? It’s not like we have to…” I spoke softly so no one else could hear me.

“A week tops? You’ve never been have you? You have no idea.”

“No, I’ve never been to damn rehab. Have you? How many fucking times have you been?”

She rolled her eyes as an answer, “You sleep in a room the size of a closet on a box spring for a mattress. It’s freezing cold, there’s no heat. Crazy people that think if they wear an aluminum foil hat the aliens can’t read their minds surround you. People scream all fucking night and you can’t even have a fucking smoke or a drink. You eat fucking organic shit and aren’t allowed to talk to anyone you know. It’s called hell Justin, it’s worse than fucking hell and I’m not going. You can’t make me, no one can fucking make me.”

“Can I talk to you for a minute darling?” my mother came into the kitchen, “Justin, go get some things together and let me talk to her alone.”

“I don’t need help, ok?” Ash spoke before I left, “If I needed help I’d be like ok fine, take me away. I don’t though. I’m fine. So what if I do a little blow? It’s not like I’m addicted or anything. I can stop. It doesn’t fuck me up, I’m fine. I’m completely fully functioning; I know what’s going on. I’m still getting the shit done I need to get done. I’m not hurting anybody.”

“Justin, go get your things together and give us a minute.”

I looked at my mother and then at Ashlee and nodded my head. If anyone can talk her into it it’s my mother. It’s not that I want to go to rehab, I know damn well it’s just about the last place I’d like to be. But I’m strong enough to know that this shit is going a little too far. I need to get myself in control. The fact that Star Girl thinks she’s fine worries me a little.

I walked past Ryan who was on his blackberry and made my way into my bedroom. I grabbed a duffle bag from my closet and started packing. I’ve never been to rehab, I don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to be bringing. Ashlee would be the one to ask, since apparently she’s been there a few times before. I really don’t know anything about her, maybe after all this shit I’ll have some kind of a clue about her life.

When Ashlee came in a few minutes later she was crying. Well, she’s not crying anymore but she definitely was and looks like she could start up again at any moment. I didn’t think she could cry, she’s not the kind of girl that cries. Leave it to my mother to find a way to make her cry. “What’s going on?”

“I’m going to get my shit,” she answered softly before pulling a sweatshirt over her head.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, stop looking at me like that.”

The whining is definitely back. “What did my mom say?”

Star Girl looked at me for a second and then grabbed her bag, “I’m going to get my shit and then I’ll be back.”

“Do you want me to come?” she shook her head. “Alright, then we’ll talk later?”

“Probably not. You’re such a chick. Why do you need to talk about shit?”

“Why don’t you want to talk about shit?”

“Because people don’t need to talk about every single thing they’re feeling. Sometimes you just do the shit you need to do and that’s it.”

I took a deep breath and continued stuffing clothes in the bag. I don’t know why I waste my time. “I should be able to know what the fuck my mother said.”

Now she’s ignoring me completely. You’d think I put her dog in the blender. I shouldn’t take it personally because she really does look like she’s going to burst into tears any second. It’s weird seeing her like this so I’m just going to let her go and stop trying to cause more shit. “I’ll see you in a little bit then.”

“Yeah, ok” she nodded her head and left me alone in my bedroom. I really wish she’d take down some of her walls and let me in a little. 

I was surprised when the door opened and Star Girl walked in with a duffle bag. I wasn’t so sure she’d come back, but then I saw my mother following closely behind her and now it all makes sense. Of course my mother wouldn’t let Ash go back to her apartment on her own. There’s no possible way she’d be that stupid. I’m not the only one that thinks we would never see her again if she left.

She didn’t say anything the whole ride to our new home. I can’t tell if she’s scared or annoyed, it seems like some combination. My mother talked about how wonderful this place is the whole way there. She also told us at least a hundred times how we’re doing the right thing and all that shit. I wasn’t listening to her. All I want to do is get high. I should have got high one more time before we left.

The car stopped outside the building that looks just like a house somewhere in Connecticut. We are in Connecticut; I think I saw a sign. It’s in the middle of nowhere and this place looks like something out of a horror flick.

“Are you serious?” I asked the question. This can’t be serious.

Star Girl started laughing hysterically. She hasn’t said a word for the past hour but for some reason she thinks the three words I just said are the funniest words she ever heard.

“It’s not funny. You’re kidding, right? You’ve got to be fucking kidding.”

“Justin, sweetie, this is one of the best rehab centers in the world.”

“It’s also the house from Psycho,” I added. Ashlee is still laughing, “Shut the fuck up!”

“Justin! Don’t you dare talk to her like that!” my mother shouted. 

“I told you so!” Ashlee finally decided to use her words like a big girl, “You’re a fucking dipshit. You think everything is going to be a fucking holiday. I told you it was going to be a shit hole. But you don’t fucking listen.”

“Alright, both of you need to stop, get out of the car and grab your bags. This isn’t an option, you’re here. Let’s go.”

I was more than a little surprised when Ashlee actually listened and got out of the car. The laughing stopped too, what the fuck did my mother say to her? Whatever it is I wish I knew because for some reason my mother now has some kind of control over her. I guess I wish I could have that control over her too.

Sometimes a building looks like a shit box on the outside but on the inside it’s been newly remodeled. That is not the case. It’s even creepier inside. “Well good afternoon!” an enthusiastic lady said the second we entered the building, “Hello, I’m Jenna. How are you? Welcome.  You are going to really enjoy your time here.”

I looked back when I heard Ashlee laughing again and couldn’t help but chuckle myself. I’m sure we’ll really enjoy our time here, lady.

“Justin, you can follow me to your room and Ashlee if you would like to follow Samantha she can take you to your room.”

Samantha went one way but Ashlee followed me and this other lady. My mother is following behind closely. This is a new experience for all of us, well all of us except Ash I guess. We’re all a little confused; Ash is just confused all the time anyway. The first lady stopped, what was her name? Jenna? I don’t give a fuck. “You can follow Samantha Ashlee, I’ll be taking Justin to his room.”

“I don’t WANNA FOLLOW SAMANTHA!!!” she screamed. Holy shit that was loud.

“Why the fuck aren’t we in the same room? We need the same room.”

“Oh, well I’m sorry darlin’ but the rooms are single occupancy only.” Jenna said running her hands through her dark brown hair nervously.

“Are you talking to me? Because I’m not your darling and I sure as fuck am not staying in my own room. You know where I could have my own room? At my FUCKING APARTMENT!”

“All right Ashlee, calm down,” my mother placed a hand on her shoulder. I half expected Ash to push her away but she didn’t, for some reason that touch really calmed her down.

“They um, would like to share a room Miss Jenna, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.” Jenna nodded her head as my mother spoke. She’s just got control over everyone, doesn’t she?

“Well then follow me,” she said leading us to the room in silence. She just stood there waiting for someone to say something. What does she want me to tell her what a beautiful place this is, how happy we are to be here? Fuck that. This is going to be hell. “I’ll let you get settled. We’ll have our first session in about an hour.”

“Oh wow, well golly I can’t wait,” Ashlee faked excitement while the lady left the room, “What a fucking bitch.”

“Now Ashlee, she’s just doin’ her job,” my mother spoke as she closed the door so the lady couldn’t hear.

“Well she has a shitty job then.” Ash said before falling on the bed, “Ugh, fuck. This bed is all lumpy, I call this side!”

“Alright, I’m going to get you two get settled. Remember that this is all for you, to make you get better. I know it’s going to be hard, but you need to work hard so this will happen for you. The harder you work the easier it will be, and the faster you get to leave. So make sure you do your best and we’ll come visit as soon as we can.”

I headed to my mother to give her a hug and thank her for bringing us here. Obviously I didn’t want to thank her but I’ve learned a long time ago life is a lot easier if I show her some manners. My mother stood at the door, looking at Ashlee. It was an awkward moment until Ash stood up and gave my mother a quick hug. While my mother tried to embrace her longer she whispered something in Ashlee’s ear. Ash nodded her head and my mother said goodbye one last time before leaving.

I fell on the bed, “NO! I said I got this fucking side, move!” Ash shouted the second my ass hit the bed.

“For fuck’s sake, chill out. I was sitting down.” I moved while she tried to push me away. 

Neither of us said anything for a while. We just lay on the bed looking up at the ceiling. I don’t know exactly what I got myself into but I know she has some kind of a clue. All I know is this place is from a horror movie and it’s not even dark out yet. “So now what?”

“Now what?” Ash giggled, never removing her gaze from the ceiling, “Now we figure out a way to get the fuck out of here. Dude, there’s like a hundred ways we can escape. This place is so old we could probably just push the wall and it’d fall down.”

“Yeah, I’m sure we could just push the wall down,” I answered sarcastically, “Maybe we should give it a chance.”

“Uh huh, sure thing,” she almost sounds like she’s actually listening to me. Obviously she’s not, but she sounds like it. “I got some blow,” she spoke nonchalantly, almost as if it’s not a big deal that she brought some blow into a drug rehab center.

“What?” I shouted.

“Look, if you’re going to be so fucking loud and get us figured out then get the fuck out of here,” she shouted in a whisper. “Do you want some or are you going to be a fucking wuss?”

“Obviously I want some,” I answered, watching as Ashlee pulled her jeans down her pants. Of course she can’t have her pants on while she does anything, I’m surprised she’s made it this long. “How do you sneak shit in?”

“They didn’t even check anything. Dumbasses. They’re one of those new age places that’s all about trust. Fuck that,” she said before standing up and trying to push the dresser over the door. “Are you going to help or just lay there like an idiot?”

I stood up and helped her push the dresser over the door, “No locks?”

“Obviously they don’t have locks on the doors, we could be doing drugs in here or something.”

I laughed and fell back on the bed as Ash reached over and grabbed the small bag of powder from her duffle bag, “Where did you get it, at your house?”

“Yeah. Your mother is too trusting too. She stayed in the living room while I got my stuff together.” She said before pulling her shirt off. “Come on, I don’t have a mirror.”

I’m not exactly sure what she means by that. It’s hardly a big deal if she has a mirror or not. I can snort it from anything, or anywhere. Oh. She’s pulling my clothes off, now I get it.  Star Girl sprinkled a line between my abs and snorted it quickly. She can’t control herself; she’s weaker than I am. Then she tossed the bag and me and fell on her back. She rolled her eyes when I didn’t do anything and grabbed the bag, pouring a line in her cleavage, “Snort it,” she said as if I were an idiot.

I’m not an idiot.

So, I did what I knew I should do, and felt the rush within seconds, “Fuck.”

“Me. Fuck me, come on,” she said while pulling my boxers off and straddling my waist, “You’re so fucking clueless.”

“Take off your fucking panties, idiot. And I’m the clueless one?” she’s here trying to ride me with her underwear on.

“Fuck you! No fuck me and then I’ll fuck you. Wait. What?”

“Just shut up and ride it bitch,” I answered and she did what she was told. She sure as fuck did like she was told. Fuck. She’s riding me like a fucking bull.

I moved my hands do massage her breast and she leaned over me with her tits in my face. It was only a matter of time before she started screaming. “Shut up,” I said as I put my hand over her mouth, “Shut the fuck up they’re going to hear you.”

“I don’t give a shit! You feel so fucking good,” she screamed again as she climaxed and then fell down on the bed. “We need to hide it somewhere,” she said, immediately changing her mood to paranoid, “We need to hide it somewhere. Where can we hide it? Justin listen to me, where?”

“I don’t know, under the mattress.”

“Under the mattress? You’re an idiot. No! OK, here. In my shoe! It’ll be in my shoe. Come on, we have to go to that meeting.”

“What?” I jumped up, now I’m the paranoid one, “We can’t go to a meeting, we’re fucked up.”

“We have to go or they’ll come get us and take our stuff and I don’t want them to take our stuff cause then we won’t have any more stuff and they can take our stuff if we don’t have anymore stuff.”

“What the fuck are you saying???”

“I don’t know!” she sounds like she’s going to cry any second. “What am I saying? What are we going to do? Why are you crying? I mean why am I crying. Wait, what?”

I ran my hand through my hair. She’s completely worthless when she’s stoned, completely worthless. At least I kind of know what’s happening. “Just get your shit together, we have to go.”

“My shit is so together. Wait, what shit? Did I shit somewhere? No.”

“Just shut up Ash, we have to go to the fucking meeting. Just try to act normal.” I moved the dresser out of the way and we wandered through the house until someone pointed us in the right direction. Then we wandered around some more until someone actually brought us to the session already in progress.

“They already started,” the girl taking us into the room whispered, “So just go ahead and sit down, try not to interrupt.”

“Sorry!” Ashlee shouted, so much for trying to sneak in unnoticed. “We got lost! Can you believe it? We took a wrong turn and got way lost. Hi.”

I grabbed onto her hand and led her to a seat so hopefully she’ll shut the fuck up.

“It’s alright. Come on in. We were just going to go around and introduce ourselves. Please say your name and why you’re here. I’ll go first. My name is Michelle Beckett. I have fifteen years experience working in this exact drug rehab center. Go ahead, you can start.”

She’s looking at me. Shit. OK, just tell her your name. What the fuck is my name? “I’m Atticus Finch.”

“Why are you here?”

“I’m addicted to strawberries.” People are laughing. Why are they laughing? It’s not funny. “Why are you laughing? This is fucking serious.”

“OK, thank you Atticus.” That lady said, I guess I’m done. Thank god. Star Girl’s turn, fuck.

“Hi. I’m Daisy Buchanan. I’m here because he shot my dog.”

“It had rabies! I had to!” I shouted.

“You did not! It didn’t have rabies it just ate an Alka-Seltzer.” She said before looking around the room, “He did. Do you want to go swimming? We should go swimming.”

“OK. Thank you Daisy, and Atticus. We’ll get back to you two in a little bit, let’s go on for now.”

         Apparently it’s not a good thing to show up stoned in your first rehab meeting. I’m sure we weren’t the first, because they sure as hell have this whole searching the room for drugs thing down to a science. Ash and I stood in the doorway while they rummaged through our shit, looking for any trace of anything illegal we may have.

         “Can I just have my shoes quick?” Star Girl shouted from the doorway. “My feet are cold.”

         “You’ll get your shoes in a minute when we’re done,” the guy answered.

         “OK, cause my feet are really cold.”

         He stopped his searching and looked at her feet. “You’re wearing shoes now.”

She’s an idiot. “Yeah but they’re still cold. My other shoes make my feet warmer.”

“Oh, all right, these shoes over here?” he asked.

“Yeah, that’s them. Can I have them please?”

“Of course,” he said before picking up the shoes, “Oh wait, look at this,” he grabbed the bag of blow from the shoe, “Look what I found.”

“Weird. It’s probably just… sugar.”

“Yeah, probably. Why don’t you two go have a seat in the lobby?”

“K, sounds good. Can I have my sugar first?” I grabbed onto Ashlee’s hand and dragged her into the lobby before she gets herself into more trouble. I swear I’m the only sane one in this partnership.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I am not. I bet he thought it was sugar.”

“Yeah, I’m sure he did,” I answered sarcastically. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t always this stupid. The blow really does kill brain cells.

We sat in the lobby for a few minutes before a man came into the room and stood in front of us. I get the idea he’s someone important, He’s tall and has glasses, his hair is graying and he’s wearing one of those sweater vests with the triangles. The way he looked down at us made me feel like I was ten and in trouble with the principal. “Hello Ashlee, who’s your friend?”

Ash didn’t answer; instead she looked down at her feet. It really is like we’re ten and got sent to the principal’s office. Apparently they know each other.

“Justin,” I answered for her.

“Justin.” he repeated, “Why don’t you two come with me and we can have a little talk?”

“Orrr,” Ash finally spoke, “We could talk separately and not together. I’ll go first, he can stay here, and then we’ll switch.”

“Ashlee, I think it would be more beneficial if we were to talk all three of us together.”

“Teddy, I don’t really care what you think. I don’t want to talk all three of us together.” Now I know she knows him because he never told us his name.

“Why don’t you want us to talk together, Ashlee? Is there something you’re hiding?”

“No, Teddy, I just think it’s pointless and it’s not like you have anything else to do so we can talk separately.”

I’m just going to sit here and watch the two of them going back and forth. I’ve never felt so clueless in my life. Obviously Ash knows this guy, he clearly knows her, but that’s all I get.

“We can talk here if you’d rather,” the guy, Teddy I guess his name is, said before pulling a chair over.  Ash took a deep breath and stormed off, Teddy stood up to follow her, “Why don’t you join us, Justin?”

I stood up and followed them into his office. Ash was already sitting on the couch with her arms crossed over her chest. I sat down next to her and Teddy pulled a chair closer and sat down. “So, Justin, I’m not sure what Ashlee has told you, but she has been here before, right Ashlee?” she didn’t answer, but it doesn’t really surprise me, she did say she’s been in rehab before and this seems to be a pretty well known one so I guess it makes sense. “How many times have you been here before Ashlee?

“Once,” she answered with a scowl.

“Once. How long ago was Ashlee, do you remember?”

She took another deep breath and looked down at the ground, “Two years.”

“Two years,” he repeated. He likes to repeat and say people’s names, that’s for damn sure. “Was that your first experience with a rehab facility, Ashlee?”

“Yup.” She’s lying; even I can tell she’s lying.

“Really? Because last time…”

“OK, whatever, I was in a couple other ones.”

“Three! OK? Happy?”

“I’m happy that you’re being honest, Ashlee. I’m not happy that you’ve been to rehab five times.”

Five times? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! How does someone go to rehab five times?

“What about you, Justin?” he turned his gaze to me.

“What about me?”

“How many times have you been…”

“None, this is it,” I answered. I’m not the kind of person that goes to rehab, and I sure as hell am not going to be the kind of person that goes to rehab more than once. I’m different from Ashlee; I know it’s fucked up to do this shit. I know it’s not a good idea and I know it’s going to mess me up. That doesn’t mean I’m not addicted to it and I don’t want it more than anything. But at least I know that I need to stop, that’s more than I can say about Star Girl.

“How are you liking it so far Justin?”

I had to laugh at that, “Not exactly liking it so far Teddy.”

“Do you think maybe we can start over? If you want to get better, and I assume you both do, than you need to work for it. We can’t have drugs in this building.  If you’re going to be bringing those things into this building than we’re going to put you somewhere else. There are much worse places out there. Ashlee, I know you can tell Justin all about them. But this isn’t one of those places. We try to trust our patients; we trust that you’re here because you want to get better. If you’re not, if you’re here just because this is court ordered and you think you’re going to get through this and then go home and start up again, then you can go to one of those more intense houses, with cameras and cells where you feel like a prisoner. It’s your choice.”

“I’m all for not going to a prison, so I guess that means I’ll stick it out here.” I answered before looking over at Ashlee who just nodded her head.

“Wonderful. I’m glad we were able to have this talk. Thank you Justin. Why don’t you head back to the room and I’m going to have little talk alone with Ashlee for a minute.”

I nodded my head and stood up before looking at Ash who was still sitting there with her arms crossed looking at the ground, “You alright?”

“She’ll be fine,” Teddy answered for her, “We’ll just be a minute.”

That’s my cue to leave. I’m going to take it as a hint and let him talk to her. Maybe he can talk to her like my mother could, maybe there’ll be something he can say that will make her listen. I don’t know, but the fact that she’s been here before, and been to five other fucking rehabs worries me. It scares the shit out of me actually because it makes me think she doesn’t give a shit. That’s scary.

When I got back to the room the guys digging through our shit were gone. I don’t know if she had another stash but I’m sure if she did they took it. I’m kind of relieved they took it actually; it’s easier when there’s no temptation. I’m not so sure I could pass on it if it was right in front of me.  I lay on the bed, waiting for Ash to come back. I need more information on her multiple trips to rehab.

It was a few minutes later when she came in and walked right past me and started digging through her stuff, “Shit, they fucking…” she said under her breath.

“You had more?”

“Obviously. Fuck.”

She didn’t say much else, just took a deep breath and fell on the bed next to me. “Five times Ash?”

“Yeah, five times. Cool, get over it.”

“You don’t think maybe it’s time to take this a little more seriously?”

Another deep breath and an eye roll before she answered, “I don’t get the big deal. What’s the big deal? Why are drugs so bad anyway? Because our moms say they are? Because the cops come in when you’re in fifth grade and tell you to say no? I mean, I feel way better when I’m high, so who cares if it’s good or bad to do them. For me, its good, cause I feel good.”

“You’re not yourself when you’re all drugged up though.”

“Says who? Maybe I’m not myself when I’m not high. Maybe I’m supposed to be high. Maybe that’s just me.”

“It’s not you,” I assured her.

“You don’t even know me. You only know me when I’m high. What makes you think you’re still going to like me when I’m sober? You’re not. I’m a complete bitch when I’m sober. I hate life, it sucks. It’s not fun, it’s boring, and shit happens that you can’t get away from. When you get high you can get away from it. When you’re not, it’s like your trapped.”

“That’s not true. It’s probably been so long since you’ve been sober that you don’t even remember what it feels like.”

“That’s bullshit, I was sober for like six months and every fucking day sucked. Every single day.”

“That was probably because…”

“Look,” she broke in, “I don’t need to be lectured, I just got enough of it.”

I held my hands up in defeat. Obviously this isn’t working, I’ll have to come up with some other plan. She went for her phone and sat down on the ground before calling a number. “Yeah…. I need more… uh huh… ok, yup. Right. Later.”

“Who was that?”

“You know, suddenly you’ve become a huge pain in the ass. I think I do want my own room.”

“I just asked who you’re fucking talking to because it sounded like you were talking to your fucking dealer. I know you couldn’t possibly be planning on having your dealer bring you some coke while you’re in a fucking rehab center.”

She took another deep breath, “Are you going to tell on me?”

“Of course I’m not going to tell on you. I just don’t understand how you’re going to get this guy to bring you in shit.”

“They’re idiots here, I’ve done it a million times. I just say he’s my brother and he comes to visit me and he brings me some fucking brownies.

I nodded my head, not sure what else to do. She really is more fucked up than I thought she was. “When’s he coming?”

“In like an hour,” she said before rolling over to her stomach, “This place is so boring.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to take a nap. Wake me up when he comes,” she didn’t wait for a response before she closed her eyes and was asleep before I could answer. 

I fell asleep too and woke up when someone came to the door to tell Ashlee her brother was here. I kept my eyes closed and pretended I was still sleeping so I don’t have to take any part in it. I can’t believe they fell for it, you’d think they’d be on to her now, especially since she’s been here a few times. I would think they’d have her name and picture hung on the wall of every rehab center in the tri state area.

“Where’s the cash?” I heard him ask.

“I don’t… have any cash.”

“What? You’ve got to be fucking kidding. You made me come all the way out here and you don’t have any fucking money?”

“No but wait, come on, you know I’m good for it.”

“You’re in fucking rehab Ash… unbelievable.”

“OK wait,” she called and I could hear him coming closer, “Take my card, ok? But bring it right back. My password is 8279. Take out, how much? Seventy-five… fine eighty cause it’s 20s. Then bring it right back, alright?”

“Yeah, alright.”

“You promise you’ll bring it right back?”

“Yeah, alright” he repeated. I heard the door close and then I felt Ash fall back on the bed. She’s got her stash, now what happens when they find out she has more? It’s only a matter of time. 

“Wake up! Wake the fuck up!” Ashlee slapped me in the face.

“What the fuck? I’m up. Don’t fucking slap me like that!”

“He took all my money. He took all my fucking money!”

“Who? Slow down,” I sat up and watched her pace around the room. “Relax, what happened?”

She took a deep breath but continued pacing. “I called him to bring me shit. And I didn’t have any money so I gave him my debit and he was supposed to bring it back and he didn’t! He took all my fucking money!”

“You’re an idiot. Really? He’s a fucking drug dealer, you think he’s going to take the hundred you owe him and leave everything else in your account.”

“Yes! Why wouldn’t he? I need to call the cops. I need to get someone to go get him.”

“Would you relax and think about what you’re saying? You’re going to call the cops and tell them your drug dealer that you called to bring you drugs to rehab stole your money?” she doesn’t think, that’s only going to cause more problems.

“Obviously,” she doesn’t get it.

“Star Girl…”

“He took all my fucking money, Justin! I want him dead. HELP! SOMEONE FUCKING HELP!” she screamed, then opened the door and screamed louder. I took a deep breath and lay back down in bed. This is going to be interesting. I’d pack up my stuff since we’re obviously going to get kicked out but they’re only going to rummage through it, once again, so what’s the point?

         “What’s wrong? What’s going on Ashlee?” the counselors asked after running into the room. They looked at me, laying on the bed and calmed down a little; at least no one’s dying.

“He took my shit! He fucking stole all my money! I need the cops, call the fucking cops.”

“Who? Slow down.”

She stopped pacing and took a deep breath before speaking like a normal person, “The guy that was here, is not my brother. He’s my dealer. He took my debit card and all my money. We need the cops. I need the fucking cops!”

It took about three seconds for them to grab both Ashlee and I and go through our shit. “Sit on the bed.” They ordered.

“You’re not listening to me. HE TOOK MY FUCKING MONEY!”

“Where is it? Where is your stash? Where is what he brought you?”

“YOU’RE NOT FUCKING LISTENING TO ME! THERE IS NOTHING LEFT! I’m done, I used it, there’s none left. He only brought a little. Call the fucking cops, stop looking through my shit!”

“Ashlee, sit down and shut up.”

“This is so fucking stupid, you’re not even listening to me!”

I sat down on the bed like I was told and watched them throw my shit all over the place, digging for a stash.  I’m not the idiot in this room; they’re definitely wasting their time looking through my shit. Teddy came in the room and to my surprise Ashlee was actually excited to see him.

“Thank god Teddy, these idiots you have working here don’t listen!”

“OK, I need you to slow down Ashlee and tell me what happened.” He answered calmly and sat down on the bed between us while the others kept going through our shit.

Ash took a deep breath, “The guy who came isn’t my brother, he’s my dealer. He brought me some dope. It was wrong, I fucked up. But the point is that he has my debit card and took all my fucking money. So now I want you assholes to call the fucking cops for me so I can get him locked up for life and get my fucking money back.”

Teddy took a deep breath and looked between the two of us. “Justin?”

I shrugged, “I was sleeping man, I’m done with the bullshit.”

He nodded his head and turned his gaze back to Stargirl. Something’s gotten into her, that’s for damn sure. She’s not her normal self, she’s really freaking out. All she’s doing is tapping her leg nervously and if I didn’t know better I’d say her eyes are watering up.  “Alright, both of you come with me, we’re going to get this figured out.”

Ash stood up quickly and sniffled before following closely behind Teddy. I waited a second until she left the room to stand up and lifted the mattress, grabbing her stash from underneath. I handed the bag to the guy going through my shit, “Check her socks, she hides it in her socks.”

When I walked into Teddy’s office he was on the phone and I sat down next to Ash, “What took you so long?”

I shrugged instead of answering, “Is he calling the cops?”

“He already called the cops.”

“So who’s he talking to now?”

She didn’t answer me right away, but when she did it was soft, almost in a whisper, “Your mom.”

“Why’s he calling my mom?” I felt my heart beating in my throat. There’s no need for him to call my mom. I didn’t do anything.

“I don’t know, he said he had to.” It seems like she’s more scared of my mother than I am.  I still wish I knew what my mother said to her.

When Teddy hung up the phone he took a deep breath and looked between the two of us. I can’t take the silence, “Did you call my mom?” Teddy nodded his head and opened his mouth to speak but I continued before he could, “Why? I didn’t do anything; it has nothing to do with me. I’m a grown man, you don’t need to call my mother.”

“The fact is we can’t have you stay here. So we’re going to need to figure something else out.”

“Why?” I asked. This makes no sense. I didn’t do shit. “I had nothing to…”

“I’m talking to Ashlee now, Justin.”

Oh. So what does that mean? I’m staying and she’s not? How the fuck is that going to work?

“Wait.” Ash spoke up quietly, “I’m getting kicked out?”

Teddy licked his lips before answering in his soothing, psychologist voice, “I’m sorry but you know the rules Ashlee. We can’t have you staying here and bringing that into this building.”

I looked over at her and it was like looking at a ghost. I’ve never seen her like this before, it’s almost as if she’s scared. She’s not scared going out on the street dealing with drug dealers but she’s scared of this. She’s showing her weakness, I never thought I’d see the day. Maybe her walls are finally starting to come down.

“I mean it’s not like I’m… going to do it again or…I mean…” she trailed off.

“The police will be here soon and you’ll talk to them.”

“They’re not gonna… take me or anything, are they? Cause I mean…”

“They’re not going to take you anywhere Ashlee,” Teddy assured her, “Don’t worry about that now.”

“But where am I gonna go? I mean I don’t have any money and…” she stopped when the police came into the room. It was only a couple minutes ago where she was all loud and pissed and the world and now she’s sitting there all scared in nervous when she’s face to face with the reality of what’s happening.

“Alright Justin, why don’t you go back to your room? I’ll send your mother in when she gets here.”

Sometimes I feel like I’m twelve again.

I nodded my head and stood up, but stopped in front of Ash, “You alright?”

She nodded her head and I started out the room but she grabbed onto my hand, “Can you just like, check on me in a little bit and make sure they don’t take me or anything?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head and made my way back to the room. I guess I might as well start packing. So nice of them to just throw my shit all over the place, even after I told them where she hid her stash.

I’m so sick of this shit.  I just want to go home, and by home I mean Tennessee.  I could easily hide out there for a few weeks, months, hell even years. There’s too much drama here. There’s too much drama with Star Girl. I’d be one thing if she realized what she’s doing but she doesn’t. I’m done taking part in her destruction.

They could have put my shit back where it was. Fuck that, they could have at least put it on the fucking bed instead of throwing it all over the floor.

I heard a knock on the open door and looked to see my mother standing with her arms crossed. I turned my attention back to my things, unable to really look her in the eye. “I didn’t do anything.”

“I know,” she answered simply as she made her way into the room and started to fold the clothes I was throwing in my bag.

“So what’s going on then?”

“I think it would be best for you to get away from here. We found another center back home. It’s small and quiet, there are no distractions. What do you think?”

I nodded my head. I think that sounds about as good as it can. “What about…”

“I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Ashlee, Justin. I’m not sure if she’s the right person for you to be around right now.” I took a deep breath, so what I’m just supposed to leave her here? I don’t know if I can do that. Sure, she’s fucked up, and she’s not in the same mindset as I am at the moment but if I just leave her I’m going to be worrying about her forever. “It’s up to you to sweetie, whatever you want to do I’m behind you a hundred percent.”

“When are we leaving?”

“As soon as you’re ready.”

Ashlee walked into the room, making sure not to look at my mother for even a second, and started packing her things without a word.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” my mother said before leaving and closing the door on her way out.

Ash didn’t say anything, she just continued packing her things in silence, “So what happened?” I asked the question.

“They said I have to leave.” She answered softly.

“That’s it?” she nodded her head, “Are they pressing charges?” she shook her head, “You’re fucking lucky.” She nodded her head again; I never thought the day would come when this girl didn’t talk.

“Where are you going?”

“Home. Well, to another center but back home.” I turned my gaze to her but she looked away quickly, “What about you?”

“I don’t know,” she answered as if it were one word and then took a few seconds to continue, “They said I had to leave.”

“You said that.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she’s definitely crying now, bawling even. I didn’t think she was capable of having such feelings. “He took all my money. They said I have to leave, but he took it all. I don’t know what I’m gong to do. I don’t know where I’m going to go.”

“You fucked up.” I answered simply.

“I know,” she cried some more, “I know I fucked up, but what does that mean? I have to go live on the fucking streets? That’s not fair.”

“So what do you want? What are you getting at?”

“I’m sorry,” she answered honestly, she looked right in my eyes when she said it too. I’ve never seen her look like this before. “I’m sorry I fucked up so much and I’m sorry I brought you down with me,” I looked away from her but she placed a hand on either side of my face and put hers up close, “I’m really sorry.”

“That’s great.”

“I have nowhere to go, Justin.”

“That’s not my fucking problem, Ashlee! So what? You want me to take you with me? So then what? You chill out in Tennessee for a couple days then find another fucking dealer and get us kicked out of there too? I’m done. I’m done with the bullshit, if you want to ruin your life that’s fine, but you’re not taking me down with you.”

“I’m not going to do that! I’m done; I’m so fucking done. Look at me. I’m fucked up Justin, I know it. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m scared; I’m so fucking scared. I have nowhere to go. I have no money, nobody gives a shit. Please Justin, give a shit.”

I took a deep breath and moved away from her so I could finish packing my things. She’s definitely showing weakness to an extent I never thought she could. She’s always had those walls up, acting like nothing could bother her. I’m beginning to see the real her. But then again, how am I supposed to know this isn’t all an act? She’s a great liar; we’ve established that a long time ago. I don’t know if I can believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

“I did it for you.” she spoke so quietly I could hardly even hear her.

“What?”

“I helped you when you needed it. I was there, and I talked you out of jumping. I took you in to my house and I know I wasn’t the best influence but I still took you in. I promise that I learned my lesson and I know I fucked up and I screwed up a lot but I’m sorry. I know I screwed up and I’m not going to do it again. I need you, and you know how fucking hard that is for me to admit, but I do. You’re all I have.”

As I watched Ash speak I realized for the first time how fragile she really is. She’s always trying to act all tough but she’s not, she’s completely lost and confused. She did take me in when I needed someone to take me in. If it weren’t for Ashlee who knows where the fuck I’d be right now. Sure, I probably wouldn’t be here but I probably wouldn’t be breathing either. She needs me now, she needs my help.

“Just hurry up and get packed, I want to leave as soon as we can.”

“You mean I...?” she jumped into my arms almost knocking me over, “Thank you so much. Seriously. I promise you won’t regret it. Thank you so much.”

“Alright, relax,” I chuckled but held onto her tightly, “It’s going to be alright.”

“Wake up! Wake the fuck up!” Ashlee slapped me in the face.

“What the fuck? I’m up. Don’t fucking slap me like that!”

“He took all my money. He took all my fucking money!”

“Who? Slow down,” I sat up and watched her pace around the room. “Relax, what happened?”

She took a deep breath but continued pacing. “I called him to bring me shit. And I didn’t have any money so I gave him my debit and he was supposed to bring it back and he didn’t! He took all my fucking money!”

“You’re an idiot. Really? He’s a fucking drug dealer, you think he’s going to take the hundred you owe him and leave everything else in your account.”

“Yes! Why wouldn’t he? I need to call the cops. I need to get someone to go get him.”

“Would you relax and think about what you’re saying? You’re going to call the cops and tell them your drug dealer that you called to bring you drugs to rehab stole your money?” she doesn’t think, that’s only going to cause more problems.

“Obviously,” she doesn’t get it.

“Star Girl…”

“He took all my fucking money, Justin! I want him dead. HELP! SOMEONE FUCKING HELP!” she screamed, then opened the door and screamed louder. I took a deep breath and lay back down in bed. This is going to be interesting. I’d pack up my stuff since we’re obviously going to get kicked out but they’re only going to rummage through it, once again, so what’s the point?

         “What’s wrong? What’s going on Ashlee?” the counselors asked after running into the room. They looked at me, laying on the bed and calmed down a little; at least no one’s dying.

“He took my shit! He fucking stole all my money! I need the cops, call the fucking cops.”

“Who? Slow down.”

She stopped pacing and took a deep breath before speaking like a normal person, “The guy that was here, is not my brother. He’s my dealer. He took my debit card and all my money. We need the cops. I need the fucking cops!”

It took about three seconds for them to grab both Ashlee and I and go through our shit. “Sit on the bed.” They ordered.

“You’re not listening to me. HE TOOK MY FUCKING MONEY!”

“Where is it? Where is your stash? Where is what he brought you?”

“YOU’RE NOT FUCKING LISTENING TO ME! THERE IS NOTHING LEFT! I’m done, I used it, there’s none left. He only brought a little. Call the fucking cops, stop looking through my shit!”

“Ashlee, sit down and shut up.”

“This is so fucking stupid, you’re not even listening to me!”

I sat down on the bed like I was told and watched them throw my shit all over the place, digging for a stash.  I’m not the idiot in this room; they’re definitely wasting their time looking through my shit. Teddy came in the room and to my surprise Ashlee was actually excited to see him.

“Thank god Teddy, these idiots you have working here don’t listen!”

“OK, I need you to slow down Ashlee and tell me what happened.” He answered calmly and sat down on the bed between us while the others kept going through our shit.

Ash took a deep breath, “The guy who came isn’t my brother, he’s my dealer. He brought me some dope. It was wrong, I fucked up. But the point is that he has my debit card and took all my fucking money. So now I want you assholes to call the fucking cops for me so I can get him locked up for life and get my fucking money back.”

Teddy took a deep breath and looked between the two of us. “Justin?”

I shrugged, “I was sleeping man, I’m done with the bullshit.”

He nodded his head and turned his gaze back to Stargirl. Something’s gotten into her, that’s for damn sure. She’s not her normal self, she’s really freaking out. All she’s doing is tapping her leg nervously and if I didn’t know better I’d say her eyes are watering up.  “Alright, both of you come with me, we’re going to get this figured out.”

Ash stood up quickly and sniffled before following closely behind Teddy. I waited a second until she left the room to stand up and lifted the mattress, grabbing her stash from underneath. I handed the bag to the guy going through my shit, “Check her socks, she hides it in her socks.”

When I walked into Teddy’s office he was on the phone and I sat down next to Ash, “What took you so long?”

I shrugged instead of answering, “Is he calling the cops?”

“He already called the cops.”

“So who’s he talking to now?”

She didn’t answer me right away, but when she did it was soft, almost in a whisper, “Your mom.”

“Why’s he calling my mom?” I felt my heart beating in my throat. There’s no need for him to call my mom. I didn’t do anything.

“I don’t know, he said he had to.” It seems like she’s more scared of my mother than I am.  I still wish I knew what my mother said to her.

When Teddy hung up the phone he took a deep breath and looked between the two of us. I can’t take the silence, “Did you call my mom?” Teddy nodded his head and opened his mouth to speak but I continued before he could, “Why? I didn’t do anything; it has nothing to do with me. I’m a grown man, you don’t need to call my mother.”

“The fact is we can’t have you stay here. So we’re going to need to figure something else out.”

“Why?” I asked. This makes no sense. I didn’t do shit. “I had nothing to…”

“I’m talking to Ashlee now, Justin.”

Oh. So what does that mean? I’m staying and she’s not? How the fuck is that going to work?

“Wait.” Ash spoke up quietly, “I’m getting kicked out?”

Teddy licked his lips before answering in his soothing, psychologist voice, “I’m sorry but you know the rules Ashlee. We can’t have you staying here and bringing that into this building.”

I looked over at her and it was like looking at a ghost. I’ve never seen her like this before, it’s almost as if she’s scared. She’s not scared going out on the street dealing with drug dealers but she’s scared of this. She’s showing her weakness, I never thought I’d see the day. Maybe her walls are finally starting to come down.

“I mean it’s not like I’m… going to do it again or…I mean…” she trailed off.

“The police will be here soon and you’ll talk to them.”

“They’re not gonna… take me or anything, are they? Cause I mean…”

“They’re not going to take you anywhere Ashlee,” Teddy assured her, “Don’t worry about that now.”

“But where am I gonna go? I mean I don’t have any money and…” she stopped when the police came into the room. It was only a couple minutes ago where she was all loud and pissed and the world and now she’s sitting there all scared in nervous when she’s face to face with the reality of what’s happening.

“Alright Justin, why don’t you go back to your room? I’ll send your mother in when she gets here.”

Sometimes I feel like I’m twelve again.

I nodded my head and stood up, but stopped in front of Ash, “You alright?”

She nodded her head and I started out the room but she grabbed onto my hand, “Can you just like, check on me in a little bit and make sure they don’t take me or anything?”

“Yeah,” I nodded my head and made my way back to the room. I guess I might as well start packing. So nice of them to just throw my shit all over the place, even after I told them where she hid her stash.

I’m so sick of this shit.  I just want to go home, and by home I mean Tennessee.  I could easily hide out there for a few weeks, months, hell even years. There’s too much drama here. There’s too much drama with Star Girl. I’d be one thing if she realized what she’s doing but she doesn’t. I’m done taking part in her destruction.

They could have put my shit back where it was. Fuck that, they could have at least put it on the fucking bed instead of throwing it all over the floor.

I heard a knock on the open door and looked to see my mother standing with her arms crossed. I turned my attention back to my things, unable to really look her in the eye. “I didn’t do anything.”

“I know,” she answered simply as she made her way into the room and started to fold the clothes I was throwing in my bag.

“So what’s going on then?”

“I think it would be best for you to get away from here. We found another center back home. It’s small and quiet, there are no distractions. What do you think?”

I nodded my head. I think that sounds about as good as it can. “What about…”

“I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Ashlee, Justin. I’m not sure if she’s the right person for you to be around right now.” I took a deep breath, so what I’m just supposed to leave her here? I don’t know if I can do that. Sure, she’s fucked up, and she’s not in the same mindset as I am at the moment but if I just leave her I’m going to be worrying about her forever. “It’s up to you to sweetie, whatever you want to do I’m behind you a hundred percent.”

“When are we leaving?”

“As soon as you’re ready.”

Ashlee walked into the room, making sure not to look at my mother for even a second, and started packing her things without a word.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” my mother said before leaving and closing the door on her way out.

Ash didn’t say anything, she just continued packing her things in silence, “So what happened?” I asked the question.

“They said I have to leave.” She answered softly.

“That’s it?” she nodded her head, “Are they pressing charges?” she shook her head, “You’re fucking lucky.” She nodded her head again; I never thought the day would come when this girl didn’t talk.

“Where are you going?”

“Home. Well, to another center but back home.” I turned my gaze to her but she looked away quickly, “What about you?”

“I don’t know,” she answered as if it were one word and then took a few seconds to continue, “They said I had to leave.”

“You said that.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she’s definitely crying now, bawling even. I didn’t think she was capable of having such feelings. “He took all my money. They said I have to leave, but he took it all. I don’t know what I’m gong to do. I don’t know where I’m going to go.”

“You fucked up.” I answered simply.

“I know,” she cried some more, “I know I fucked up, but what does that mean? I have to go live on the fucking streets? That’s not fair.”

“So what do you want? What are you getting at?”

“I’m sorry,” she answered honestly, she looked right in my eyes when she said it too. I’ve never seen her look like this before. “I’m sorry I fucked up so much and I’m sorry I brought you down with me,” I looked away from her but she placed a hand on either side of my face and put hers up close, “I’m really sorry.”

“That’s great.”

“I have nowhere to go, Justin.”

“That’s not my fucking problem, Ashlee! So what? You want me to take you with me? So then what? You chill out in Tennessee for a couple days then find another fucking dealer and get us kicked out of there too? I’m done. I’m done with the bullshit, if you want to ruin your life that’s fine, but you’re not taking me down with you.”

“I’m not going to do that! I’m done; I’m so fucking done. Look at me. I’m fucked up Justin, I know it. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m scared; I’m so fucking scared. I have nowhere to go. I have no money, nobody gives a shit. Please Justin, give a shit.”

I took a deep breath and moved away from her so I could finish packing my things. She’s definitely showing weakness to an extent I never thought she could. She’s always had those walls up, acting like nothing could bother her. I’m beginning to see the real her. But then again, how am I supposed to know this isn’t all an act? She’s a great liar; we’ve established that a long time ago. I don’t know if I can believe anything that comes out of her mouth.

“I did it for you.” she spoke so quietly I could hardly even hear her.

“What?”

“I helped you when you needed it. I was there, and I talked you out of jumping. I took you in to my house and I know I wasn’t the best influence but I still took you in. I promise that I learned my lesson and I know I fucked up and I screwed up a lot but I’m sorry. I know I screwed up and I’m not going to do it again. I need you, and you know how fucking hard that is for me to admit, but I do. You’re all I have.”

As I watched Ash speak I realized for the first time how fragile she really is. She’s always trying to act all tough but she’s not, she’s completely lost and confused. She did take me in when I needed someone to take me in. If it weren’t for Ashlee who knows where the fuck I’d be right now. Sure, I probably wouldn’t be here but I probably wouldn’t be breathing either. She needs me now, she needs my help.

“Just hurry up and get packed, I want to leave as soon as we can.”

“You mean I...?” she jumped into my arms almost knocking me over, “Thank you so much. Seriously. I promise you won’t regret it. Thank you so much.”

“Alright, relax,” I chuckled but held onto her tightly, “It’s going to be alright.”

A black Escalade picked my mother, Ash and I up at the center and took us straight to the runway of the airport so we could get on the private jet.  I know I tried to get away from all this shit but I am quite relieved I don’t have to deal with the hassle of flying commercial at this point.

When Ashlee stepped on the plane she walked slowly, looking around before picking a seat in the back.  My mother sat down diagonally in front of her and I sat down in the seat facing my mother.  Ash didn’t look too impressed, she just walked in like she’s been on a million private jets and pulled her hood up over her head.

As soon as we got in the air, I could hear Ashlee breathing heavily. I turned around and saw her hugging her legs against her chest, her face buried in her legs, shaking.  “What’s the matter? Are you alright hunny?” my mother asked.

Obviously Ashlee didn’t answer, she’s too busy wishing she were dead. That’s what she gets, it’s her own damn fault, “She’s fine Ma, she’s just tweaking, let her go.”

My mother went back to her book for a half a second before sitting next to Ashlee and pulling her down so she was laying on my mother’s lap, “Are you alright hunny? Is there anything you need?” I watched as my mother rubbed Ashlee’s back and pulled the hood away from her face, “Justin, go get her a bottle of water.”

I did as I was told, handed my mother the bottle of water and then heading back to my seat. I don’t know why it surprises me that my mother is so concerned with Ash, but for fucks sake I wish she’d just let Ash deal with her own shit.

“It’s ok sweetie, you’re going to be alright. It’s going to get better, we’re here for you.”

We finally landed and stepped off the plane to be greeted by my stepfather. “Hey Dad,” I said softly before being pulled into a hug.

“It’s good to see you son. Are you doing alright?”

I nodded my head, “This is Ashlee.”

Ash stood still, her hood covering her head and waved slightly.

“Hi sweetie, nice to meet you. Are you doing ok? You let us know if you need anything,” my father said as he pulled her into a hug. She didn’t hug back, but didn’t push him away either. I’d say that’s some sort of progress. Although, she could have answered him but that’s probably asking too much.

“Well, come on. Ya’ll must be tired,” my mother said as she led us to the car, “You’re going to stay at the house tonight and then we’ll bring you in tomorrow. Is that alright? I hate to ask this, but we can trust you two, right?”

I turned to Ashlee immediately. I can handle it but I don’t know about her. She nodded her head. I forgot she has no money, where’s she going to go? Never mind the fact that she could have left in New York and came here by choice. I still can’t completely trust her.

“Yeah, we’ll be fine.” I answered.

Ash leaned her head against the window as we drove to my parents’ house. It’s only 5 in the evening here but it feels like midnight. It’s been a long day, that’s for damn sure.

My parents talked the whole hour drive home. I half listened but kept looking over at Ashlee. She hasn’t said a word since she begged me to take her with me. It’s like she’s a completely different person. For fucks sake she jumped in my arms when I said she could come and now you’d think I kidnapped her against her will.

I took a deep breath when we pulled into the driveway. “Who’s here?”

“Just Granny and Gramps,” my mother answered as if it weren’t that big of a deal. What the fuck? I don’t want my grandparents to know what I’m doing home.

“What the fuck? Why did you tell them?” the second it came out of my mouth I regretted it.

“Justin Randall you do not raise your voice like that!” my father shouted.

“Sorry, I know. I just…”

“They thought you were dead, Justin. You have no idea how worried we all were, do you?” my mother got out of the car and slammed the door, “You better be on your best behavior. You have no idea what we went through.”

I grabbed my suitcase in one hand and Ashlee’s in the other.  “I know Ma, I’m sorry. I just… I didn’t want… I’m just tired, we’re just tired.”

“They just want to see you. They won’t stay long.”

I turned back to see my father waiting with Ash who was still sitting in the car. I guess he’s got it covered, there’s no turning back now.

Ash paced around my bedroom slowly, looking around at the posters on the wall, “they care” she spoke softly, the first words she’s said since we got home, possibly the first words she’s said since we got on the plane.

“What?”

“They care. You said nobody cares but they care, so many people care.”

I sat down on my bed, running my hands through my hair, “I know. I mean, I know that now.”

She sat down on the opposite side, her eyes fixed to the floor, “When I say nobody cares, I mean nobody cares. You have like… at least 10 people that care.”

“You have plenty of people that care.”

“I don’t. That’s the thing.”

“You got me,” I answered honestly as I pulled her across the bed, “You got all of us now. My mom and my dad, everyone out there. They care about you.”

She looked up at me and I swear I saw a smile, just a half smile but I’ll take it.  “Is there a store around here?” of course she changed the subject.

“Not that’s open now. What do you need?”

         “Some smokes,” Ash said as she moved her head to my stomach and grabbed the box from her pocket, taking her last cigarette out, “Last one.”

“We could go into town,” I said while Ash put the cigarette into her mouth and reached into my pocket for the lighter.

“Can we go into town then?” she lit her cigg and took a long drag before handing it to me. “Your mom isn’t going to let us.”

“Nah, she’ll let us. We’re not ten,” I laughed before handing it back to her, “She trusts us.”

“She trusts you.” Ashlee corrected me. “She thinks I’m ruining you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is. I heard her. She sad she doesn’t think I’m a good influence on you.”

“Ash, if she really thought that you wouldn’t be here.  She knows what you did for me and she’ll be forever grateful. She wants to help you now.” I pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. To my surprise she didn’t pull away.

We sat in silence until we finished the cigarette then sprayed the room with Febreeze to get rid of the smell. “I really feel like we’re sixteen.”

I laughed and grabbed onto her hand, “That is exactly what it’s like. Just wait while I ask to borrow the car.”

Ashlee giggled, something I haven’t heard from her in awhile, as we walked into the living room where my parents were sitting on the couch watching television.

“How are ya’ll doin’? Is everything alright in the room? Are you ok in the Ashlee? Do you have enough pillows?”

“Yes, it’s great. Thank you.”

My mother smiled like I haven’t seen her smile in awhile.  It was the first time Ashlee has talked since we got here so I can understand the excitement.

“Do you think I could borrow the car?”

“Where are you going to go at this hour?”

I looked at the clock on the wall; it’s really only 9:30. You’d think it’s two in the morning. I forgot I’m back in Tennessee and the world closes at 7. “We’re just going to run up to the gas station. We’re out of smokes.”

Both of my parents looked us over carefully then looked to each other. My father reached into his pocked and tossed the keys at me. “Come right back.”

“We will. Thanks.”

“Do you need some money?”

I laughed at that before realizing they took my wallet before we went into the old center and my mother decided it’d be best if she held onto it. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

She pulled her wallet out of her purse and handed me $30 then grabbed my wallet and handed me my license. “We’ll see you in about 45 minutes? It shouldn’t take you any longer than that.”

“Thank you.” Ashlee said as we walked out to the car.

“It’s like I’m 16,” I said as I drove to the store. No answer, I looked over to Ash and she was looking out the window, ignoring me completely. I guess that whole her talking thing is over.

“I’ve never been in the country like this before,” she said softly.

“No? Never?”

She shook her head then turned to me, “I mean, I’ve been out of the city but never this country.”

“When you were a kid?” she nodded her head, “Where did you go?”

“We went to Florida a lot. You know, Disney World and stuff. My dad used to do a lot of business in Houston and Seattle so I’ve been up around there a couple times.”

I couldn’t believe she was actually opening up about her family. She’s never mentioned her father before, in fact last time I asked she told me about how much she hates roller-skating. “Your dad is in business?” she nodded her head before looking out the window, “What kind?”

She took a deep breath, realizing for the first time she was actually talking to me like a normal human being. “How far is this place?”

There goes that.

The gas station was pretty crowded. I forgot how this is the hangout for the teenagers of the town, the only place open after seven. I pulled my hood over my head as I pulled into a parking spot, “You want to wait in the car?”

“No,” she answered before pulling her hood up and heading into the store before I could even get out.

“Yo, yo,” a kid leaning against the station called out at me, “Whatcha want? Come here, I’ll hook you up. What do you want?”

“Nah man, I’m good.” Great, just what we need right now. When I got inside Ash was standing in front of the beer, looking at it like it had the secret meaning of life. I stood behind her for a second, but she didn’t notice I was there. “Want some chips or something?”

“Combos,” she answered without breaking her gaze.

“What else?” no answer. “You can get a beer if you want. There’s nothing wrong with you having a beer.

She turned to me and bit at her bottom lip. “I want… sour patch kids. And the red Mountain Dew.”

“That it?”

“Umm…” she wrapped both her arms around my waist as I walked to grab the sodas. “Slim Jims.”

“Seriously?” I laughed and put an arm around her; surprised she was being so cuddly in public.

“Seriously,” she giggled and grabbed a couple when we got to the register. “And however many smokes we can get with this much money.”

“I got 30 bucks my man,” I held out the money, “However many packs of Marlboro Red we can get.”

“Three,” he answered after scanning them in, “29.82”

“Just made it,” Ashlee giggled as she grabbed a pack and opened it quickly, “Shit, a lighter!”

I reached into my pockets to find some spare change, not that I expected to find any. “Here, we have matches,” the guy said as he handed us a couple packs.

“You’re a lifesaver,” Ashlee smiled as she grabbed her soda and put a smoke in her mouth and one in mine, “Thank you.”

“Thanks man,” I said as I grabbed the rest of the stuff and followed her outside. Her cigarette was lit the second we go outside and she handed me the lit match. We both inhaled slowly, closing our eyes and letting it take over. I needed that.

“Yo, ya’ll come here. Whatcha need? I got ya’ll covered.”

“We’re good man, thanks” I said as I put my arm around Ashlee’s shoulder. It’s not that I don’t trust her it’s just that I’m not exactly sure she’s ready to be put in a situation like this just yet.

“We got 18 cents. What can we get for 18 cents?”

“Come on Ash, just walk.”

“We can work something out. Come here darling, come talk.”

Ash stopped but I kept walking, pulling her along with me, “We can work something out? Like maybe if I go fuck you in the alley back there you’ll give me a couple joints?”

What the fuck is she doing?

She turned to look at me and laughed, “Your face! Fucking priceless.”

“It’s not funny.”

“It’s really funny. Your face, oh my god if you saw your face,” she laughed hysterically before climbing in the car, “I swear it was like you were going to leave me right in the parking lot.”

“I would have,” I answered seriously.

She slapped my arm, “Relax. I’m a good kid now. Mountain Dew and Sour Patch Kids. That’s how I roll.”

I grabbed a piece of candy before pulling out of the parking lot, “That’s right. We’re 16, we don’t even know what drugs are.”

“You didn’t know what drugs were when you were 16?”

“Well, of course I knew what drugs were. But, it’s not like I was smoking up when I was 16.” No response, “What? You were?”

She chuckled before putting the cigarette to her lips and taking one last drag, “You’re so naive, it’s kinda cute.” She tossed the butt out the window and grabbed the bag of Combos, “I love how your drug dealers say ya’ll and call me darling down here. How are you supposed to be scared of someone that calls you darling?”

I shrugged, trying to figure out how old she really was when she started taking shit. And why she won’t talk about her childhood? She lets the smallest thing slip then shuts up about it forever. Even when I think I’m making progress with her and she’s doing better, there’s still so much shit I don’t know. So much shit I’ll probably never know. I don’t know how much longer I can handle being kept in the dark like this. I’m sick of getting partial truths from her.