I couldn’t believe this. After almost sixteen years of being out of Tennessee I was moving back. I had everything my son and I owned packed into a U-Haul Truck and had my Chevy Tahoe hitched to the back of it. This was a huge risk I was taking moving from my security blanket -also known as Atlanta- back home.

My name is Keeley Owen by the way.

I had one hell of a past there that I really didn’t think I had the strength to endure again. I really didn’t want to relive it and I didn’t want to put my son through living it with me. As if being a sixteen year old boy wasn’t hard enough add having a mother that didn’t know what the hell she was doing half the time to the equation and you have…well, my son. He's pretty amazing. It doesn’t seem to bother him that his mother is a lot younger than most of his friend’s mothers. He doesn’t seem to mind my fuck ups. And believe me there have been some major ones. Most of all though he doesn’t seem to mind my up rooting him from everything he’s ever known and throwing us both down a road that I didn’t know what lay ahead. For the most part he seemed like he was ready for a change too. I sighed and grabbed my bottle of water that was between my legs and took a sip.

“Mom are you sure you don’t want me to drive? You seem like you could use a break.� I heard my son ask.

Christopher Kaden.

He always thinks that he needs to take care of me. Am I really that bad of a parent? I twisted the cap back on the bottle and stuck it back between my legs.

“No honey. I’m fine I promise. Thanks for the offer though. I know you’re itching to use your license on this trip. I promise you will.� I said as I rubbed my hand over his shoulder length blonde hair. He's totally into music and played the guitar. He's a pretty eclectic player and doesn’t limit himself to one genre. He loves it all. So his hair has the rocker theme to it. It was long in length and short in the front. He couldn’t stand the hair in his face, and girls couldn’t stand it when it covered his baby blues. He definitely took after me in the hair department. I blessed him with the blonde and the straightness of his hair. If he had took after his father...well I don’t think he would have liked it much. But those baby blues he definitely didn’t get from me. Those eyes were very much his father’s doing. My shade of blue was much deeper than his or his father’s and definitely didn’t rank in comparison. The music, well the eclectic part I think he inherited from me, but everything else was purely his father. I loved music also, but you get me close to an instrument and I wouldn’t even know what the hell to do. I just listened to it, and I loved it all. This is why I think Kaden got it from me. Everything musical that Kaden laid his hands on came natural, much like his father. He's a pretty good writer too. He can whip out a song, poem, anything, quicker than I have seen anybody do. And I had been witness to a few girls go weak at the knees. That trait I liked to think that his father and I gave to him together. I could write a little something, something. I mean it was my job for crying out loud. I’m an English Teacher by the way. His father shared in the writing department gene as well, but making the girls go weak in the knees came totally from his father. I know that from experience.

“So Gram knows we’re coming?� Kaden asked looking over at me.

“Yep, she’s excited too. I’m surprised she hasn’t called.� I said smiling. It wasn’t a very long trip from Atlanta back to Tennessee but the shorter that it got the bigger the lump in my throat grew. My being nervous was an understatement. I knew I would have to do this someday but damn did it have to be this soon?

“You’re not mad at me are you?� I asked glancing over at him and returning my eyes back to the road.

“About what?�

“Well, about this move and this new job.�

“Not at all. As much as I loved it in Atlanta I’m kind of glad we’re moving. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to be completely cut off from the rest of world. There was a reason for Alexander Bell inventing the telephone.�

I smiled and grabbed his hand, “How did you ever turn out this amazing?�

“I guess my momma raised me right.� He said smiling. The southern accent coming through on every word.

“Really think so?�

“Mom despite what you think I’ve learned a lot from you. And you’re not the dead beat parent that you claim to be. You’re like my best friend, we've grown up together.� He said smiling at me.

He had no idea how right he was. I grew up real fast. Going through college pregnant, making sure that I had a roof over mine and my baby’s head, and that we had everything we needed wasn’t easy. Of course my mom helped anyway she could. Mainly she was my source of income when I needed it. Without her there was no way I would have made it through college and maintain the life that I needed for my son and I. I was determined to make it on my own, and I did. I felt the same way about Kaden. He was my best friend the only constant that remained constant in my life.

“I guess you’re right. And if that’s your way of saying I love you without actually saying it and risking your reputation then I love you too.�

“Whatever, Mom.� He said laughing and shaking his head. “Look the sign says we’re not that far from Gram’s.�

Ugh, he was right. Just when I forgot how nervous I was, boom, it hits me again. The sign said:

Memphis – 25
West Memphis – 30

I guess I better get over it fast huh?

Oh god.

I think I’m going to be sick.

This is it.

There’s no turning back.

I’ve gone way too far now. Plus, my mom is already standing in the doorway.

Ok, I know I said I needed a change. But remind me why I thought that change was Tennessee?

Despite my brain telling me to turn around, I came to a stop and put the truck in park.

“Well, I guess this is it.� I said grabbing my purse and putting my handle on the door. I looked over at Kaden for a little reassurance.

“Everything will work out mom. I promise.� He said smiling at me as he got out of the truck and ran to meet my mom. I breathed in as deep as I could and made my way out of the truck. I got out just as my mother was talking about Kaden’s hair.

“I love your hair, but is your mom really that tight with money where she won’t pay for you a haircut?� she asked in teasing voice.

“No Gram she isn’t. I just like my hair this way.� Kaden said laughing. “The girls love it.�

“I bet they do. I have the best looking grandson in the state of Tennessee.� She said as I approached them both. “Hi honey.� She said wrapping me into a hug.

“Hey momma.� I said kissing her on the cheek.

“How was your trip?� she asked as she pulled away from me. Damn, she was giving me her famous Mother once over. You know that silent inspection that mother’s give you when they haven’t seen you in a long period of time? Then they try to figure out if you’ve been getting enough sleep, if you’ve been eating enough, or if it’s just the way you’re wearing your hair now a days. Well, at least that’s how it is in the South.

“The trip was pretty good. Nerve wracking but good none the less.� I said looking up at my son. He pretty much towered over me. He stands at 6’2� where I stand at 5’5�. Ok so he doesn’t really tower over me but it’s pretty bad when you have to look up at your own son.

“Well you guys come on in. I’ve got supper ready. We’ll worry about unpacking tomorrow.�
Tonight was the first night of the rest of my life. I looked up at my son and we walked into my mother’s house together.





Our first week was going great. We got all our stuff unpacked and some of it is in storage.

The U-Haul Truck has been sent to a local station for them things. I started my new job on Tuesday, and so far everything has been going great. I teach Sophomore English at the local high school. The only bad thing is it’s where I went to high school, but I guess all my old teachers have either croaked or retired. They were all old. I had just got off work and I had to go to the grocery store to pick some things up for my mom when it happened. I was looking at the meat, observing which kind that I thought we wanted, when I heard someone say my name.

“Keeley?�

Naturally my head turns in the direction that my name was called with my brain fighting every second. I knew that voice all to well. And there he stood a man that I hadn’t seen in years in all his glory. He looked the exact same. He had aged a little since the last time I saw him, but he was still beautiful. Same pierce right through you blue eyes, his hair looked a little more controlled then it did back in the day, in fact it looked very nice. I guess a little gel and some haircuts could work wonders. He still had that bring me to my knees smile that lit up his whole face, and the same perfect jaw line.

Oh my god what the hell am I supposed to say? I haven’t seen him in years, and now, poof, he’s back in my life like that. Ok Keeley you guys were the best of friends at one point before everything that happened surely you can find something to say.

“Justin? Wow, it’s so good too see you.� I said kind of low but seemed excited none the less. His career was still going on pretty strong and even though he was at home I knew he still had a few rabid fans. I braced myself for the hug that I knew was coming, and sure enough there it was. God did he smell good, and he had more muscle since the last time I hugged him.

“I thought I would never see you again. I still can’t believe I’m actually seeing you.�

I laughed a nervous laugh, “Well believe it.� I said smiling. After all this time he still had the same effect on me. We used to be best friends from the time that we could walk, but like everything else things change, and we began to have feelings for each other. Things haven’t been the same since, but that is such a long story that I don’t want to get into right now.


�So what brings you back to Tennessee? My mom told me you were in Georgia.�

See? Some things just never change. Even when you’ve left a small town everyone still knows what you’re doing. Not that I minded his mom knowing anything, his mom was like my second mother. Plus, our mothers are best friends and always have been.

“Yeah, I’ve been in Georgia ever since I started college. I accepted another job at our old high school and I’m teaching 10th grade English.�

“So you’re a teacher? I guess I should have known that. You always said you were going to be one.� He said smiling at me. Damn him!

“Yeah, I love it. What about you, Mr. Pop Star Extraordinaire? How’ve things been with you?� I asked as I chose my meat selection and placed it in my buggy. Yes, in the south we call carts buggies. Anyway, I began to push it in the next place I needed to go motioning for Justin to follow. That might be a mistake but let’s face it. I missed the guy. Despite everything we were friends first before any of the other stuff, and I missed having my best friend around. He followed along beside me with what he was going to purchase in his hand.

“Things are really beginning to slow down. I’m getting to old for all this, but you’re the only person besides my mother that I would admit that too.� He said with a laugh. Wow, we’re still telling secrets after all these years? Boy, if he knew the half of mine.

“You’re still a young whipper schnapper. Look at Chris; you’re just a little bit older than him before Nsync stopped he was 31.�

“Well I guess you’re right but Chris had more energy than the other four of us put together.� He said laughing at the thought of Chris Kirkpatrick. Yep those were the days. Thoughts of the old days began to cloud his head but before those thoughts took over he changed the subject, “So what about you? What have you been up too besides teaching, and college? Any husbands, fiancés, boyfriends, kids?�

“Oh god no. I did have a fiancé at one time but that didn’t work out. No husbands, but I’ve had a million boyfriends.� I said laughing.

“So I guess that would be a no in the kid department then huh?�

Oh boy. My mouth opened before my brain could protest, “Actually I do have a son.�

“Really? How old is he?�

Again, “Sixteen. He just turned sixteen, and he just got his license. God help me.�

“Sixteen? You must have been really young?�

“I was. I was seventeen when I had him. It was kind of hard having a baby and doing the college thing at the same time, but I did it. I was determined too. And I did it a few thousand miles away from my momma. Although she had helped anyway she could.� Why am I telling him all this?

He was silent for a moment, “Wow. I still can’t believe you have a son.�

“I do.� I said not being able to hide the smile that was beginning to creep up on my face.

“So I’m guessing his father was your fiancé at one point?�

Oh did he have to bring up the father question? That was a can of worms I don’t think I’m willing to open just yet. Especially with someone that I hadn’t seen in a while.

Justin noticed my hesitance to answer, “I’m sorry. I know I’m prying. You don’t have to answer. It’s just I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot where you’re concerned. It’s like you’re not the same Keeley that I knew before. I’m just trying to get to know this one a little better.�

Boy if he only knew how much he missed. “It’s fine. I don’t blame you. You’re not really the same Justin Timberlake that I always knew, and I’m dying to get to know him too.� I said smiling.

“I guess time changes a lot of things huh Keel?�

I smiled, “Yeah I guess they do.� A comfortable yet awkward silence fell over us.

“Well I…�

“I’ve got to…�

We both started at the same time, and laughed. “You first.� I said smiling.

“I was wondering if you’d want to get together or something. You know hang out.�

“That sounds great. My number’s still the same. Kaden and I are staying with my mom right now.� I noticed the awkward look on his face, and I remembered I never told him my son’s name. “Oh sorry. Kaden’s my son.�

“Oh, duh. I should’ve put two and two together. That’s a pretty cool name.�

“Apparently he thinks so too. Kaden is actually his middle name. As he got older he said Christopher wasn’t cool enough.� I said smiling at the memory. He was only in first grade when he told me this. I smiled more as Justin laughed. I forgot how much I missed that.

“What were you going to say earlier?�

What was I going to say? “Oh I was going to say that I had to go. My son’s waiting in the car, and my mom’s expecting groceries home soon.�

“Well, I was just leaving too. Why don’t we just check out together? I’ll even help with your groceries�

“Sure.�



A couple of minutes later Justin and I were walking out to my car. He refused to let me carry anything.

Not that I minded.

“That’s my car right there.� I said pointing toward my Tahoe. I saw Kaden give me a strange look, and he hopped out of the car.

“Uh, Mom?�

“Kaden, this is one of my oldest friends, Justin. We’ve known each other ever since we were little. Justin, this is my son Kaden.� I said as I opened the door to the back of the car. Justin sat the inside and turned back to smile at Kaden. He stuck out his hand, “It’s nice to meet you.�

“Wow. Mom, wow.� Was all Kaden could say as he grabbed Justin’s hand and shook it. “Are you…?� He trailed off.

“Justin Timberlake? Yeah, I am.� Justin said with a smile.

Kaden smiled nervously, “Wow, It’s so nice too meet you.� He said glaring at me. “Geez, Mom. You could have told me you had cool friends.�

I looked at him shocked, “Thanks.� I said pushing Kaden playfully.

“So how do you guys know each other?� Kaden asked pointing back and forth between Justin and me.

“My mom and her…well your grandma, I guess. God that’s weird.� Justin said laughing as he looked at me. I smiled back, “Anyway, yeah, they were high school friends that were joined at the hip and never left Tennessee after graduation. They both had kids, and I guess it was highly probable that their kids would be best friends.�

“Well, just when you think you know everything about a person.� Kaden said as he crossed his arms over his chest. He rolled his eyes playfully at me, and then turned his attention back to Justin. “I’m a fan of your music. I like your style. Your everywhere with your music, and you don’t see that too much with other artists.�

Justin seemed impressed, “You seem to know what you’re talking about.�

“I love music. I play a little.�

“What do you play?�

“Guitar and a little piano.�

“What kind of music do you play? Are you in a band or something?�

“I like to play anything. And I do mean anything…well except polka. I used to be in band, but it wasn’t for me, plus mom and I moved up here so I had to leave that behind.�

“Well maybe you and I could jam together sometime.�

I had to smile when I saw Kaden’s eyes light up, “Really? God that would be awesome!�

Justin laughed at his excitement, “Sure. My mom only lives a couple houses down from where you guys are staying. You should come over sometime.�

“Really?�

“Yes, really.� Then Justin looked at me as if maybe he overstepped some boundaries, “That is…if it’s ok with your mom.�

“Fine by me.� I said.

Kaden smiled and looked at Justin, “I’ll definitely take you up on that. It was nice meeting you.� Kaden said as he opened up the car door and slipped back inside.

“Seems like you got yourself a pretty cool kid.�

“He gets it from me.� I said as I began to walk around to my side.

“Well, I don’t remember you ever being that cool.�

“Excuse me? Who do you think is the one that taught you, Trace, and the others the New Kid on the Block choreography when you guys tried out for the school talent show?�

“That was once.� He said shoving his hands in his pockets, smiling at me.

“Ok, who’s the one that gave you the idea for you to sing When a Man Loves a Woman when you auditioned for MMC? I would say it jumpstarted your career and I think I should get a little credit for that.� I said as I leaned against my car door.

“Do you now?� He said laughing.

“I’m just kidding.� I said placing my hand on the handle, “Well I guess I’ll see you later.�

“Definitely. We’ve got a lot to catch up on.�

“Yeah, I guess we do.� I said smiling at him.

“I’ll see you later.� Justin said as he turned to walk away toward his car.

“Bye Justin.� I said as I got in my car remembering the last time I had to say goodbye to him.



January 1998



“Come on Keel. Please come with me?� Justin said as he pulled me closer into the hug.

“Justin you know I can’t. I have graduation and college in the fall. I can’t just leave that behind.� I said removing my head from his chest to look into his eyes.

“But you can finish up school with me with my tutors that I have, and if you want the whole ceremony deal I’ll fly you back out in time for it. And you can still go to college in the fall.�

“You make this all sound so easy.� I said. And he did. It just wasn’t that simple. Or was it?

I could just as easily get on that plane with him, finish high school from a tour bus, and fly back for the ceremony just as easily as I could walk out of this airport after watching him fly away. That would be ten times harder than getting on the plane with him.

“Baby, it is that simple. You love me; I love you, that’s all that matters. When it comes to love it is that simple.�

But what about my dreams? My goals? I loved him yes, but I just couldn’t give up on my dreams to follow after him as he fulfilled his. As much as I wish I were that kind of person, I’m just not.

Before I could reply his forehead rested on mine and he began to sway us back and forth, “Last night was amazing. We could do that every night, if you’d just come with me.� He said as he smirked at me.

Damn last night was amazing. No it wasn’t our first time or our first time together, but it was our first time together in three months. Three months of bottled up passion that busted in the backseat of his car out by a deserted lake…twice.

I smirked back, “Last night was amazing wasn’t it?�

He laughed softly and smiled, “Yes it was. I never want to go that long without you again.� He said as he began to kiss and nibble on my neck.

You know if he kept it up we would be having goodbye sex right here in front of everybody in the Memphis Airport…and I wouldn’t give a damn.

“And neither do I.� I said as I pushed him away from my neck.

“Then come with me. I know me and the guys don’t have much right now, but this year is going to be the start of something big for us over here. I can feel it, baby. I really can.�

I smiled sympathetically at him. I was excited for him and the guys I really was. I know they’re gonna be something big. They all have amazing talent, and America won’t be able to ignore it much longer. But I couldn’t ignore my dreams. I had to do this for me.

“You guy’s are going to do phenomenal things this year. I know it. And you’ll all have my support one hundred percent. But I have to stay.�

“Why?�

“Because Justin, I have dreams too. And as much as I love you I cant put them on hold because you want me to come with you on tour.�

“I’m not asking you too. I just want you with me.�

“I know you do, and I would love to come with you…�

“So do it.� Justin said as he cut me off.

“Justin do you realize what you’re asking me? You’re asking me to give up on memories that will be with me for a lifetime. I have friends, and I have a mother who wants to see me do all those things. There’s more than just me in this equation. And I really don’t think my mother would go for it.�

“Is that how you really feel?�

“What do you mean?�

“Do you really think I’m asking you to give up on high school?�

“No I don’t but I also don’t want to experience it out of a tour bus. That’s not me Justin.�

He took in a breath, “I know, I know. I’m sorry.� He said as he pulled away from me and went to sit in one of the seats. I stood there and watched him for a minute before I sat down next to him.

“Justin I know it’s going to be hard being away from each other. But I’ll be here waiting for you, I promise.�

“I know.� He said as he squeezed my knee.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and pulled him to me. I whispered in his ear sexily, “We could always have goodbye sex in the bathroom.�

I pulled away a little to see his reaction, and I sighed when there wasn’t one. “Justin did you hear what I said?�

He smiled weakly, “Yeah I did.�

“Then where’s my reaction?� I said smiling as I nudged him. “What’s wrong?�

“I was just thinking. And I want you to hear me out, ok?�

“Alright.�

“With all of this…me asking you to come with me and stuff. I realized how long us being apart could do to us. It was like I got this whole…vision, thing, of what our relationship would turn into. And I’ve seen it Keels. I’ve seen what it does to couples. I saw what it did to Tony when we were on MMC and his girlfriend. I don’t want us to end up like that.�

What was he saying?

“I don’t. I love you too much to put you through this. So, I’m…I’m going to end this before it gets ugly.�

“I don’t understand. Justin if you want me to go this bad I’ll go!�

“No, no, I realize I was asking too much. You have dreams just like I do, and if you would have asked me to stay and graduate together, and go to prom with you, and put off what I’m doing right now I can’t say that I wouldn’t have the same reaction you did when I asked you to go with me.�

“Justin, you can’t be serious.�

“I am. As much as I hate it I am. We have WAY to much history for us to continue and it end up like the way I just envisioned it. I don’t want that for us. I have way to much respect for you, for myself, and for our relationship and other surrounding it to let it end ugly.�

“Flight 110 from Memphis to Orlando is now boarding.�

He stood up and grabbed his backpack. “I have to go.� He said as he slung his bag over his shoulder.

“Come on, Justin. This isn’t fair! Don’t I get a say in this too?�

“Baby, you have to see this is the best way. This hurts me to be saying these things to you, but I don’t want to lose our friendship. If this continues, with us being apart so much it’s going to eventually take it’s toll and we’ll lose everything that we have together. At least this way we can salvage our friendship.�

“But…� He cut me off with a mind blowing kiss, and after knocking my world off it’s axis he pulled away.

He pressed his forehead against mine, “I love you. Please don’t ever forget that. If things were different…�

“I love you too. Isn’t that enough?�

“Baby, it’ll always be more than enough. But your love is something I can’t risk shattering to pieces. I won’t do that. Time will eventually take its toll, and there wont be no turning back.�

“Second boarding call for Flight 110 from Memphis to Orlando.�

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from falling, and blinked my eyes a few times, “You better go.�

He began to walk away and turned back to me and mouthed, “I love you.�

I smiled and shook my head then turned toward the big window where you could watch the planes take off. I stood there.

And stood there.

And stood there. Until I saw his plane taxi down the runway.

This is really happening.

I saw his plane take off into the sky, and I turned away not able to look. I laid my head back against the window and closed my eyes not being able to stop the tears that followed.

I put my head in my hands as I began to cry harder, and I slid down to the floor.

He was really gone.

Gone and I could do nothing about it.

“Kaden can you shut the…� I asked my son as I grabbed the last of the bags, but I stopped when I realized I was talking to myself. “, door.� I said as I sat down some bags so I could close it myself. I swear all the kid could talk about on the way home was Justin. I smiled to myself as I grabbed the bags again and made my way into my mother’s house just in time to hear him telling my mother all about it.

“Gram, you would not believe who mom and I saw at the grocery store.� Kaden said with excitement as he pulled some things out of the one bag that he brought in.

“Elvis?� my mother replied as she saw me come in loaded down with bags, “Honey, let me help you. Christopher Kaden why didn’t you help your mother?� My mom scolded as she grabbed some of the bags and placed them on the counter.

“I did.� He said as he placed the eggs into the refrigerator.

“One bag? While your mother carried in fifteen?�

“I’m sorry mom. I was just so excited I wanted to tell Gram.�

I laughed at him, “Its fine. I know you’re excited.�

“So, anyway, are you gonna guess Gram?�

“Uh, Jerry Lee Lewis?�

“Gram, come on.�

“I’m all out of guesses. So tell me.�

“Justin Timberlake.� Kaden said with excited eyes, “Can you believe it?�

My mom looked back at me nervously, “You saw Justin?�

“Yeah, we did.� I said crossing my arms over my chest.

I could see my mom fidgeting with the dish rag that was on the counter before she actually picked it up and began to wipe down the clean counters, “Really? I haven’t seen that boy in ages! How is he?� she asked never looking up at me.

She knew he was here.

She knew he was here the whole time and she didn’t tell me.

“You knew he was here didn’t you?�

My mother looked up at me appalled that I would even accuse her of something of the sort, “No, I didn’t!� She said then she looked back down at the counter she was continuously scrubbing to get some invisible spot off, “Not exactly anyway.�

I reached over and grabbed the rag from her, “How do you not know exactly if someone isn’t here or not?�

“Well, Lynn might have mentioned it when we were having coffee the other day. I was telling her about how you and Kaden were moving back to Tennessee, and she mentioned something about Justin coming in for a while as well.�

“And this is something that you chose not to tell me?�

She crossed her arms over her chest, and stood identical to the way I was standing.

Damn that’s scary.

She smiled evilly, “I didn’t know you cared.�

“What?�

“You know what I said.�

I opened my mouth to respond, but closed it when I couldn’t say anything. Then I opened it again, “I…I don’t care. I just…I just thought that if you knew something like that you would have told me. That’s all.� I said as I grabbed the rag and began fidgeting with it not making eye contact with my mother.

I heard laughter coming from my son and I looked up at him, “Am I missing something here?�

The evil smile on my mothers face grew bigger as she turned to my son, “Has your mom ever mentioned Justin to you?� she asked as she looked back to me. I gave her the worst evil eyes I could manage. She snickered and turned back to Kaden.

“Well…no not really.�

“She never told you that she and Justin were best friends when they were little?�

“No not until today when we saw him at the store. She also said that you and his mother were friends as well.�

“Yes we are. So I guess your mother never told you that at one point in time they used to be…�

“MOTHER! I think you have said more than enough. Why don’t you go…do some thing?� I said cutting her off.

“What honey? Are you embarrassed?�

I heard Kaden laugh more and I playfully threw the dish rag at my mother, “Ugh, I have things to do.� I said as I walked out of the kitchen and upstairs to my room.




“Damn it!� I cried out as I tried to get to the phone before the machine picked it up. I had my teaching bags on my shoulder, my purse along with it, my car keys, and a few grocery bags in my hands as well. Not to mention that I almost fell on my face tripping over one of my son’s shoes.

So you can imagine the difficulty I am experiencing at the moment.

“Shit, shit, shit.� I said laying everything on the table, and quickly slipping out of my heels. I ran back towards the phone that was in the living room when I heard the machine click. Why my mother didn’t have one in the kitchen was unknown to me.

“Hey you’ve reached Bev, Keeley, and Kaden. Sorry we’re not able to take your call, but if you’ll leave a message we’ll be more than happy to get back to you.�

Then came the annoying beep, and I heard someone else’s voice.

“Hey Keel, it’s me Justin. I was just calling…� I reached the phone out of breath before he could finish the message.

“Hey Justin.� I said smiling as I put my hand up to my forehead trying to catch my breath. It had been a week since our encounter at the grocery store.

“Hey. Everything ok over there?�

“Yeah, yeah. I just…whew.� I said taking a deep breath and letting it out. “Sorry, I had to catch my breath.�

“That’s fine. What were you preparing for a relay race?�

I laughed, “No, I was literally walking through the door when you were calling. I had all this shit in my hands and I couldn’t pick it up, and I was trying to get to it before the machine got it, but obviously didn’t make it in time.�

“Sorry.� He said laughing, “Listen I was just calling to see if Kaden wanted to come over and jam. Is he around?�

“Well…� but I was cut off by the opening of the front door and seeing my son walk into the living room. Speak of the devil.

“Well what?� Justin asked.

“Well I was going to say that he wasn’t home yet, but he just walked in. Do you want to talk to him?�

“Sure.�

“Hold on.� I said as I took the phone from my ear and made the trek back into the kitchen where I found my son going through the refrigerator.

“Hey mom.� He said as he closed the door with sandwich meat, and mustard in his hands.�

“Hey sweetie.� I said as I placed a kiss on his cheek. “Someone’s on the phone for you.� I said handing it out to him.

He gave me a weird look, “Who?�

“Justin.�

His eyes widened and the immediately took the phone. “Hello?�

I rolled my eyes as he walked around me, and into the hallway leading toward the living room.

“No man, I’m not busy.�

I laughed hearing his end of the conversation. I began to go through the bags to put things away.

“No, I don’t think she’ll mind.� I heard him say

I winced as I walked toward the refrigerator waiting on my name to be bellowed, “MOM!�

I rolled my eyes as I put the Orange Juice into the fridge and walked down the hall where my son was taking over the living room.

“Yes?� I asked as I leaned against the door frame.

“Can I go to Justin’s to play some music?�

“I don’t mind.� I said.

“See I told you she wouldn’t mind.� Kaden said back into the phone then he took the phone back down and covered the mouth piece as he spoke to me, “He said you could come too.� He said as he wiggled his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes, “I’ll walk you over so you know where it’s at.�

“Mom, its Justin Timberlake.�

“I know this.�

“He’s inviting you over to his house.� He said with a ‘duh’ expression on his face.

“I have been over to his house a million times before. This time is not any different.�

Except that we haven’t seen each other in sixteen years.

“Mom…�

“I’ll stay for a little bit.� I said cutting him off.

“She said she’d stay for a little bit.�

I heard as I walked back into the kitchen.



I shoved my hands into the back pockets of my jeans after I rang the doorbell. I had changed from my clothes that I wore to work into more comfortable ones which consisted of a pair of jeans and a black tank top. For the end of September in Tennessee it was still considerably hot.

“You’re nervous.� I said looking over at Kaden. “Don’t be. He’s nothing to be intimidated by.�

“Easy for you to say, you don’t idolize the guy. Seriously mom other guys may think I’m gay or don’t have any taste in music, but the guy is something when it comes to…� Both our heads turned to the opening of a door.

I immediately broke out into a smile as I saw the bright blue eyes of Lynn Harless.

“Oh my god!� she squealed pulling me into a huge hug swaying us both back and forth she pulled back as to give that famous look I was explaining when I received the same look from my mother. “You look so good honey. I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you! Your mom has been so ecstatic about you and…� she said as she looked away from me and over to Kaden. She got the mom look in her eyes and smiled, “You must be Kaden.� She said as she stood in front of him.

“Yes mamn.� He said smiling.

“It’s so good to finally meet you. I feel like you’re my own grandson with all the pictures, and all the talking that I hear about you. You practically are anyway since she’s like the daughter that I never had. I’m Lynn by the way. God I can’t believe I forgot to introduce myself with all the rambling I was doing.� She said as she pulled him into a hug as well.

I looked over at him and smiled as he smiled at me too. “You’re so handsome!�

“Thank you.� He said with a hint of blush on his cheeks.

“And so well mannered! Well, let’s go inside.� She said as she ushered as both inside. “Would either of you like anything to drink? Keeley if have some tea.� She said looking at me with a smile. Ever since I could drink I’ve loved her tea.

“Then how could I refuse?� I said smiling as I sat on a stool that was under the counter.

“Kaden would you like anything?� she asked as he sat down next to me.

“Could I have some water?� he asked very politely. I laughed to myself. He was always overly polite when he was nervous. I didn’t understand what he was so nervous about. But then again I knew them before Justin turned into a Mega pop star.

My attention turned to the staircase as I heard feet coming down them two by two in the foyer of the kitchen. I breathed inwardly as I saw it was Justin.

Damn the man for still having the ability to take my breath away. He paused in the doorway and smiled a huge smile as his mother placed a glass of tea in front of me and a bottle of water in front of Kaden. He walked over to me and placed a kiss on my cheek, “Hey Keels, Kaden.� He said as he looked over a Kaden. “I’m really anxious to see what you can do.� He said as he walked around the counter to his mother.

I saw Kaden gulp nervously and smile a smile that didn’t completely reach his eyes, “I’ve been excited about it ever since you mentioned it to me. Just a little nervous though.� He said fidgeting with the water bottle.

I couldn’t stand to see him so nervous, “Honey, it’s just Justin. He barely knows how to play a guitar. I bet you have more skill than he has in his pinky.� I said jokingly as I patted him on the leg.

“She’s right.� I heard Justin say as I looked up at him with a Thank you look in my eyes, “To an extent. I’m no Johnny Cash that’s for sure. But I know a little something, something. I have a couple guitars set up in our basement if you’re ready?�

I gave Kaden a squeeze of encouragement on the knee before he stood up, “Let’s go.� He said as he followed behind Justin to their basement.

I was broke out of my trance when I heard Lynn talking to me, “Honey, it’s so good to see you. And that boy is so gorgeous.� She said as she took Kaden’s spot in the seat next to me.

“Thank you.�

“I can’t believe you’ve done everything on your own.�

“Me neither.� I said with a laugh as I sat my glass down on the counter.

“I imagine it was hard. Being a single parent, college, money, and doing it all by yourself can be pretty stressful.�

“It was but it was all worth it at the end of the day. I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything in the world.�

And that was true. To an extent. I wouldn’t trade Kaden for anything at all. But I would change how I chose to raise him. I realize that not having a father can strongly affect you, and I should know. I’ve never even seen my father. It’s not like I would deny him seeing his father if he ever wanted too. He’s asked questions. I’ve answered them as good as I could.

But I know he gets the sense that I’m hiding something.

I know that it won’t stay hidden for long either.



March 1998



My hand reached up and flushed the toilet with my head still stuck in it. When I heard the water rushing down the toilet bowl I pulled my head out and slowly scooted myself so I could lean against the bathtub. I slowly leaned my head back to lean against the shower door. I closed my eyes hoping that I wouldn’t be planted here all day. I slowly pulled my head back up when I heard a soft knock on the door.

“Keel? Honey are you ok?� I heard my mother say as he poked her head in the door.

“Honestly, mom? No, I’m not.� I said as I began to slowly stand up.

“Do you want me to call you in at school?�

“Mom, I can’t miss any more days.� I said as slowly made my way toward the counter and looked myself over in the mirror. I looked like shit.

“Honey why don’t you just call him?�

I closed my eyes at the thoughts of Justin entering my head. I hadn’t thought of him all morning. “Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.�

“Well I want you to talk about it. Especially when it’s making you so sick.�

“Mom, I’m not making myself sick. It’s been two months since he left. I stopped crying my eyes out two months ago. I stopped driving myself crazy waiting for my damn phone to ring. I stopped staying up night after sleepless fucking night waiting on him to call.� I said with tears freely flowing down my face as I blew up on my mother. “I’m done!� I said as I threw my toothbrush that I had grabbed across the bathroom. I placed my hands on either side of the counter and steadied myself as I cried. I felt my mother’s arms wrap around me and pull closer to her.

“I know baby. I know.�

Most mothers would blow up on their daughters for using such language while talking to them. But that’s what made my mom different from all the others. She was awfully young when she had me she was fresh out of high school, and became like my best friend. We grew up together, and she understood everything that I was going through.

She pulled away from me and lifted my chin with her forefinger. She smiled sympathetically and began to wipe away my tears, “I need you to listen to me. Because what I’m about to ask you isn’t going to make anything any easier.�

I nodded my head yes fully ready to except what she had to say.

“I know this is none of my business, but maybe it would be the answer to why your sick.� She hesitated a bit before she continued. I had a feeling she was about to confirm my suspicions. “Have you and Justin ever had unprotected sex?�

Bingo. If she thought so, and I thought so. Then there was only one possible answer to the pregnant question.

“Honey you can answer honestly. I’m not going to be mad or disappointed. But I need to know so we can do this right, ok?�

“The night before he left. We went to that deserted lake, you know that…�

“Yes. I know.�

“Well, we…no we didn’t use a condom.�

“Honey why? You’re not even on birth control or anything.�

“I don’t know mom. Why didn’t you?�

Ok so maybe that was a little uncalled for. But I was right. Why doesn’t anyone use a condom? Especially when you’re caught up in the heat of the moment.

But anyone with a right mind wouldn’t have sex twice and not use one. Once was understandable, but twice?

“I’m sorry mom.�

“No, no, you’re right. I understand. That was kind of a dumb question to ask.� She said smiling at me.

“Well how about you come down to the hospital with me today and we’ll get you checked out alright? For all we know you could just have some virus going around, ok?� she said as she pushed some hair behind my ear.



We both knew there was no virus going around Millington.

I tried to hang around and wait for Justin and Kaden to be through but around 8:30 I told Lynn good bye and I walked back home. A message on the answering machine told me that my mom was going to be working a double at the hospital so for the longest time I had the house to myself. I had taken a long bath and changed into my pajamas which consisted of an old orange Tennessee Volunteers sweatshirt that I had found in my closet when I was unpacking and a pair of black yoga pants. I had my glasses on and my shoulder length light brown hair up in a messy bun. I was make-up free and feeling very comfortable laid out on the couch reading a book.

I was beginning to think that moving back to Tennessee was the best move for Kaden and I. Although I had called Georgia home for the past sixteen years nothing beats coming home to momma. I was tired of running from my past. I knew Kaden loved it here in Tennessee and I knew that he loved Gram so we discussed it and he agreed. So here we are.

At 11:00 I lifted my head off the arm rest of the couch and saw Kaden walk in with a huge smile on his face. I smiled and shook my head as I sat up with my book in my lap.

“Did you have a good time?� I asked as Kaden began to step up on the first stair.

“I didn’t know you were in here. I was just about to come find you.� He said as walked into the living room and sat down beside me on the couch. “It was awesome, Mom. The coolest experience of my life he even helped me finish a song that I had writing. He talked to me about the music business and he told me that if I wanted to get into it that he could help me.�

I couldn’t hide the smile that was beginning to show on my face. I had never seen him this excited. Well except for the time that he played his first gig. He was ecstatic about that. “Sounds like you had a lot of fun.�

“I did mom. He told me that I shouldn’t worry about putting together a band. He told me I should try my hand at going it alone.�

“I thought you didn’t want to? I thought you said you wanted to just play guitar.�

“That was before Justin Freakin Timberlake told me that I had a pretty good voice.�

“I told you had a pretty voice, but you said that you didn’t think so.�

“That was because you had to say it because you’re my mom.�

Ok, Touché. But would I lie to my kid? Especially about something that I knew he was really passionate about?

“Thanks.� I said trying to look hurt.

“Anyway, I think I want to try doing it solo when I’m ready. What do you think?�

“I think if you think you’re good enough you should do it.�

I coughed when Kaden practically lunged at me and wrapped me in a hug. I chuckled and wrapped my arms around him.

“What was this for?� I asked him as I rubbed my hands up and down his back. I used to do this to him when he couldn’t sleep. He still asks me to rub his back sometimes. But he would never admit it out loud.

I heard him sigh as he relaxed against me. It was just like holding a six foot one baby. His head was against my chest, and the rest of his body was laid out on top of mine. He weighed a ton but I would never ask him to move. The last time I got to hold him like this was when he was eight years old and he had fell off his bike. When would I get the chance to do it again? So I continued to rub his back, and he answered my question.

“I don’t know. For being an awesome mom, I guess.� He said as I saw him close his eyes.

“You really think so?�

“I wouldn’t trade you even if I got offered to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.�

Wow. I guess that’s a compliment.

I smiled and rolled my eyes as I bent down to kiss his head. “I love you.�

Kaden smiled and sat up and kissed me on the cheek, “I love you too mom.� He said as he stretched and made himself comfortable opposite me on the couch.

I guess I have to wait another eight years to hold him like that again.

I stared at him while he stared off into space, and I wandered how I could have such a perfect son.

Despite all my fuck ups and my mistakes that I know I made raising him he turned out perfect.

He wasn’t resentful of me.

He wasn’t using drugs or getting girls pregnant.

He wasn’t in jail.

He was just too good to be true.

You know how they say that you pay for your raising when you have kids of your own? Well, that hasn’t happened yet. As far as I know he hasn’t skipped class to make out behind the gym during fifth period, and all the crazy things that I did. I do know that he’s had sex. Which to be honest doesn’t really bother me. The only part that would bother me is if I knew when he was doing it. That would be awkward and there are some things that I mother should NOT know about. The only reason I know is that he talked to me about it before anything happened. We had a good discussion and I told him that if he felt that he couldn’t wait to tell me and that we would go right then and get condoms. To which he was honest with me and told me that he didn’t think that he could. We went straight to the store got him some, and we began monthly check-ups at the doctor, and he went out to look for a job. Which he had to quit so we could move here. He’s looking for one now. But he hasn’t had any luck so far. He doesn’t know this but I have some extra money and for a late birthday present we’re going to go car shopping next weekend. It’s taking all I have to not tell him until then, but it’ll be worth the look on his face. I was brought out of my thoughts as I saw him turn his head toward me and begin speak.

“Mom can I ask you a question?�

“Sure.� I said as I made myself more comfortable on the couch.

“You and Justin. What happened between the two of you?�

Damn, I knew this question would eventually fall from his lips. “What do you mean?�

“Well from what I’ve heard you, Lynn, Gram, and even Justin say you guys were best friends. He said you guys were practically attached at the hip. But I never even knew that you knew Justin until last week.�

I smiled an almost empty smile as I pushed my glasses back up on my face. “Where do I begin?� I asked. More to myself than anyone. Because where do you begin when it comes to our relationship?

“Well I know that you guys were friends through Gram and Lynn.�

“Right we were. There was never a day that went by that we never saw each other for at least an hour. We did everything together me, him, and Trace. I’m sure you know who Trace is?�

“Yeah.�

“Well you never saw one of us without the other two being too far behind.�

“So what happened between you guys?�

“Well it all started when we were in the third grade. There was this talent show that they were having for us kids. Well Justin, Trace, and a few other boys decided to join and act like New Kids on the Block. So they did I picked out their song and taught them the dance moves. I was in love with NKOTB back then. I had everything. Well anyway they performed it and all the girls went crazy and wanted their autographs and all that jazz. And that’s when Justin realized what he wanted to do. So ever since then he would enter talent shows, and eventually that brought on MMC.�

“Did you resent him for it or something?�

“No, no, no. You haven’t let me finish. He got to be on MMC which meant that he and Lynn had to move out to Orlando for it, which left me and Trace alone back in Tennessee. We were as close as ever, me and Trace. But we both missed Justin. He and Lynn would come back occasionally but it wasn’t the same for Trace and I because we were both used to having him around a lot.�

“Were you and Trace ever…?�

“God no!� I said laughing. “We were strictly just friends. We had the chance to get closer with Justin gone though. I know and I still know that if I ever needed anything Trace would be right there. And I would do the same. And I’ve always felt the same for Justin too.�

“So what happened?�

“Well when the MMC ended he came back to Tennessee for a while for some R and R. And well time changes things. He changed and I had changed. I didn’t feel the same for him anymore.�

“So you guys stopped being friends?�

“No, I meant that I had feelings for him. I had a huge crush on him for the longest time until I realized that he felt the same for me. When we finally got the nerve to tell each other he had already started with Nsync and we started dating we were fourteen I think. I would see him when he would come home, and during the summer if he was touring I would go and spend the summer with him wherever he was.�

“So I guess you guys broke up huh?�

“Yeah we did. It was the beginning of 1998 and right before Nsync got big. He left in January and he asked me to go with him but I had graduation and college to think about. I had dreams of my own that I wanted and I couldn’t give those up because he wanted me to go with him. As much as I loved him, but I didn’t think that my not going with him would lead to our break up. He told me that he knew what being apart for such a long period of time could do to a relationship. He had seen it with some of the guys and it always ended ugly. We had to much history together and he didn’t want to ruin our friendship with an ugly breakup.�

Kaden gave me a sympathetic face, “Ouch.�

“So needless to say I was heartbroken and a little bitter at first. But soon the anger subsided and I didn’t resent him anymore.�

“And you guys didn’t talk again until we saw him at the grocery store last week?�

“Yep, that was the first time in sixteen years. I can’t say it’s all his fault because you know the phone falls both ways but how was I too know if his number was the same? Sometimes when I think about it I think that our breakup was just for nothing. We ended up ruining our friendship anyway because no matter how hard we try we’ll never be like we were before. Too much has happened.�

I smiled when Kaden reached over and grabbed my hand, “I’m glad you were able to talk to me about this.�

“Well you asked. How could I tell you anything but the truth especially if I expect the same from you?�

“I guess.� He said smiling as he stood up and bent down to give me a kiss goodnight. I smiled and kissed him on the cheek as he began to walk towards the foyer where the staircase was. He stopped and turned around towards me, “For the record, mom. When he was talking to me about you he seemed like he regretted everything that went down between the two of you.�

I smiled, “Thanks.�

He looked confused about something then he asked, “Where’s Gram?�

“She had to work a double tonight. She won’t be home until the morning.�

“Damn, that sucks. Well, I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.�

“I love you too. Good night babe.� I said as I grabbed my book when I heard him ascend up the stairs.


Back to March of 1998


I went into work with my mom that morning and got a pregnancy test. I was sitting on the gurney in one of the exam rooms with my mom sitting beside me with her arm around me. I kept my head down and swung my legs back and forth with nervousness.

“Honey, everything is going to be ok. We’ll get through this. I’ll help you anyway I can. If you want to do this by yourself I’ll help you get on your feet. Anything, I’ll be with you I promise.�

I looked up at her and smiled, “Thanks mom.�

“Not a problem.� She said as she pulled me into a hug.

“Ladies, I have the results.� The doctor said as he pulled the curtain of the exam room open and walked further in and sat on the stupid stool with wheels that all doctor sit in.

“And?� I asked wanting the suspense to end.

“Well it turns out you are indeed pregnant. You’re two months along.�

My head fell again and a tear rolled down my face.

“You’ll need to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN as soon as possible.�

My mom smiled at the doctor, “Thank you. Can you give us a moment please?�

He smiled back, “Sure.�

He walked out and I fell into my mother’s arms crying, “How am I going to do this?�

“You can do it baby. You’re strong. I did it, you can do it. I’ll help you anyway I can.�

“But what about college?�

“Baby, you can still go. I’ll help you get an apartment, I’ll help you with money issues, and once the baby is born we’ll figure something out as far as daycare and things. It’ll all work out I promise.�



At 12:30 I was still on the couch reading my book when I heard a light knock on the door. I marked my place and walked to the door and looked into the peep hole and saw Justin standing there.

He smiled a small smile as I looked at him, “Hey.�

What I would give if he would have done this sixteen years earlier.

I smiled and let him in. “Hey.� I said as I closed the door.

I led him into the living room and we both sat on the couch. “So what’s up?� I asked crossing my legs.

“I just wanted to talk to you.�

I smiled and chuckled, “You could’ve called.�

“I didn’t want to wake anyone up.�

“And knocking on the door wouldn’t?�

He rolled his eyes at my sarcasm and smiled, “Well obviously I didn’t since you were already up.�

“I don’t mind. My mom’s still at work and Kaden’s in bed. So it’s just me and Nora Roberts tonight.� I said holding up my book.

“You still read her books?�

“Duh.�

“I always said you loved Nora’s men more than me.�

“Shut up.� I said hitting him in the shoulder with the book smiling.

“I’ve been dying to catch up with you. I’ve been busy for the past couple of days so this is the first chance I’ve had.�

“At 12:30 in the morning?�

“Well that’s the life of Justin Timberlake for you.�

“Whatever.� I said rolling my eyes.

“How’ve you been?� he asked turning serious.

“I’ve been very good actually.� I said putting up a strong front.

“That’s good.�

Part of me wanted to tell him…no SHOW him that I had done very well without him. I wanted to show him that I didn’t need him.

But the truth was I missed him. Part of me was missing for the past sixteen years. Not a day went by that I didn’t think of him.

The truth was I needed him in my life more than I thought.

The truth was I still loved him very much.

But the stubborn part of me wasn’t about to tell him that. That part of me wanted to make him as miserable as he made me.

I cleared my throat and tried to push these thoughts to the back of my mind, “So what about you?�

“I can’t complain. I’ve missed you though. You know I thought about you everyday?� he asked looking over at me.

“Really?� I asked trying to look impressed.

If he thought about me everyday why didn’t he pick up the phone to call me?

“Yeah I did.� He said smiling at me.

“So you thought about me but you couldn’t call me?�

“Keeley, I…�

I shook my head, “No, no I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.�

“I deserved it.�

“Well if you say so.�

“I should have called you.�

“Well the phone works both ways.� I said.

Why was I practically defending him? When almost every word he said was right.

“Yeah I guess it does. But I’ve changed my phone number so many times that I can’t remember. And so has my mom.�

“Well it’s not like our mothers are mortal enemies or something. I could have got the number from her.�

Oh my god! Do you hear me?! I can’t believe what I’m saying.

“Ok so it’s both our faults.�

Well I guess so. But I wasn’t the one who asked to break up. If he wanted to keep this friendship together he was going to have to make the effort first. Not me. I didn’t want to seem desperate for him or something. That’s not my style.

To tell you the truth I was livid! I was so pissed the first two months he was gone and hadn’t called me. But just like I told my mother I was through. I couldn’t forget about him if I tried that’s for sure.

“Can we talk about something else?� I asked. I didn’t want to sound like a bitch, but all this…whatever you want to call it was beginning to give me a headache.

“Sure. What do you want to talk about?�

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound bitchy. But there is something I want you to know. I want you to know that I don’t resent you anymore and I stopped being angry with you years ago.�

“You were angry with me?�

“Yeah I was. Believe it or not when you broke up with me I didn’t want to break up with you. I understand now more than I did then why you broke up with me. But it was still pretty sudden. I wasn’t expecting that at all.�

He smiled at me, “So I guess that means you forgive me?�

I smiled back, “I don’t know. I don’t think I should let you off the hook that easy.�

He grabbed my hand and held it in his. “Tell me what I have to do to make it up to you.�

I pretended to think hard, “I don’t know. You tell me.�

“How about I take you out to dinner? Your choice of restaurant and we’ll continue to catch up with each other. Say tomorrow night?� he said with a hopeful smile.

Ok now you tell me. Does that sound like a date to you? Does it sound like he wants it to be a date?

Because I don’t know! How do I tell if he wants this to be a just friend’s thing?

“Uh, sure.� I said nervously as I smiled.

He smiled triumphantly, “Alright. Say about sevenish?�

“Sounds good to me. I should dress up huh?� I asked as he stood up.

“If you want. Depends on where you want to go.� He said grabbing both of my hands and pulling me up off the couch. He pulled me closer to him, and wrapped his hands around my waist.

It’s amazing.

Sixteen years away from someone and you think you’re over them and come to find out they still have the same effect on you as they did before.

I loved it and hated it all at the same time.

I loved the butterflies that he sent back into my stomach.

I loved the feeling of his arms around me. He gave me this sensation when he held me that only he could give. Other men have held me before and none have given me the feeling that he gives when he holds me.

But I hate that he could make me want to forget about everything that happened between us that was bad.

I hate that I let him hold me this way.

I hate that he knew how to get to me.

And most of all I hate that my feelings for him haven’t changed.

He pulled back and placed a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow right?�

“Yep.� I said. That’s all that I could get to come out of my mouth at the moment.

“Ok. I think I’m going to leave now. I’m glad that we talked.� He said. He still had my hands in his and he squeezed them a little.

“Me too.�

As long as I kept it to short answers I was good. Otherwise I might say something that would be better left in my head. “I’ll walk you to the door.� I said pulling my hands from his as I pushed my glasses up further on my face, and walked around the couch and into the foyer.

I opened the door to let him step out and he turned back to me, “Bye Keeley. I’ll see you tomorrow.�

“Bye.� I said smiling as I waved at him. Once he was out of my driveway I closed the door. I leaned my back against it, and hit my head against the door three times. I closed my eyes, smiled, and said out loud, “Holy shit.�

I locked the door behind me, turned off all the lights, and made my way upstairs to my bed.




At 5:30 the afternoon I was going through my closet. I had just gotten out of the shower and I still had my towel wrapped around my body. I poked my head out of my closet when I heard a knock on my door.

“Mom?� I heard Kaden say through it.

“Hold on sweetie.� I said as I fumbled to find something to put on. I grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and threw them on quickly. “Come in.� I called from my closet. I heard him enter the room.

“What are you doing?� He asked as he stopped at my closet door.

“I’m trying to find something to wear.�

“And that requires you to throw everything on the floor? It looks like Hurricane Keeley hit or something.� He said laughing at me. “Are you going somewhere?�

“Yes I am.� I said as I pulled down one of my many little black dresses. I held it up to inspect and threw it over my arm. Then I pulled down another one and held them both up to Kaden, “What do you think? Which one should I go with?�

I saw his face go blank with confusion. “Uh, they both look the same to me.� He said as he looked back and forth between the two and the back up to my face.

There was a difference but then again you couldn’t depend on a guy to figure it out. Both dresses had thin straps, both were black, and both showed enough cleavage to where I could get a second date if I wanted one. But both were very different. The one in my right hand clung to all the right places and ended three inches above my knee cap. And the one in my left was just…well it was sexy but not as sexy as the one in my right hand.

“There’s a difference. Now help me. Which one?� I asked as I shook the one in my right hand.

“Uh, I guess the right one.� He said pointing at the dress.

“Are you sure?�

“Mom, you obviously want to wear that one since you practically told me to pick that one.� He said rolling his eyes.

“But it might make him think that I want a relationship again.�

He crossed his arms over his chest and smiled at me, “You mean a dress will tell him all that? Mom, get real.�

“Kaden a dress can tell everything about a woman.�

“Mom, it’s a dress.�

“Exactly it’s a dress. I thought you knew about the Language of a Dress?�

He laughed, “Apparently I don’t.�

“Well suppose you take a girl out and she’s wearing a dress like…this one.� I said smiling as I pointed at the dress in my right hand. I threw the left dress over my shoulder and continued, “This dress that the girl is wearing is…wow. It clings to all the right places, shows just enough cleavage, and just enough leg. What do you suppose she’s trying to say?�

“Um, I don’t know.�

“She’s trying to tell you that she wants more. If she didn’t want more she wouldn’t have went through all the trouble of looking sexy for you. Maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s another drink, or maybe she’s just trying to get you to pay for the whole date. Where as if it looks sexy but it’s not like jaw-drop-to-the-floor-eyes-pop-out-of-your-head-throw-her-up-against-a-wall sexy then she doesn’t like you, she wants to take it slow, or she’s out on a pity date.�

He laughed, “Wow. I never knew this.�

“That’s what you have a mother for my darling.� I said patting him on the shoulder. “Stay here. You’re going to be my judge.� I said as I walked into my bathroom and began to change into the dress.

I was so surprised that I could still fit into it. I smoothed it down and took a deep sigh. I opened the door and walked back into my bedroom and twirled around for my son to judge.

“So what do you think? Is it saying too much?� I asked as I stood in front of him.

“Well what do you want it to say?� He asked.

I rolled my eyes, “I didn’t ask you that.�

“So, you have to answer me. Answer me and I’ll tell you what it says to me.�

I sighed and fell onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling, “I don’t know what I want it to say. But I do know I don’t want to lead him on. He knows the Dress Language far to well.� I said rubbing my hands up and down my face. I sighed again and let my hands fall beside me. I closed my eyes, “I don’t want him to think that I just want to be friends and I don’t want him to think I want a relationship with him again. Does that make sense?� I asked as I opened my eyes and saw Kaden beside me leaning up on his elbow.

“Well, I guess it does in your own weird way.�

“Thanks.� I said sarcastically.

“The dress said to me that you look beautiful. That you’re a woman who deserves to be loved, and you want it. You deserve this mom. So just don’t think about it. I’m not blind enough to not see that look on your face. You look like you’re going on your first date.�

Ok, I don’t want to go on this long tangent where I gloat and wonder how the hell I got a son like this. But seriously how?

I reached up and touched his cheek, “Thank you.� I said as he got off the bed and grabbed my hands and pulled me up.

“Your welcome. Now come on you have to get ready.� He said as he got behind me and pushed me into the bathroom. “I’ll be out here watching TV on your bed. I’ll be your judge.� He placed a kiss on my cheek pushed me further into the bathroom and closed the door before I could say anything.

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror and sighed.

I did feel like I was going on my first date.



I was putting my mascara in my bag when I heard Kaden knock on the door, “Mom, Justin’s here.�

I felt the butterflies flutter around in my stomach and I felt like I was going to be sick. “Ok, you’ll walk down with me right?� I called through the door.

“Sure if you want me too.�

“Alright I’ll be out in a few minutes.�

I gave myself the once over in the mirror.

I straightened my hair and pulled some back into a clip. I had my make-up as perfect as it was going to get. I kept it simple with the make-up. It was just the simple black eye liner, mascara, blush, a little eye shadow, and foundation that most everyone went with their every day routine.

I took a deep breath and walked into my room.

Kaden turned off the TV and smiled at me, “You look good mom.� He said as he stood and walked over to me.

“Nervous?�

I smiled, “Naw.� I said waving my hand like it was nothing. Then I bit my lip and smiled nervously, “Well maybe just a little. But I shouldn’t be this is my best friend we’re talking about here.�

He chuckled and wrapped me in a hug, “It’s going to be fine I promise.� He said rubbing my shoulders reassuringly as he pulled away and placed a kiss on my cheek. “You ready?� He asked as he walked to my door and placed his hand on my door knob.

“Do I have a choice?�

“Not really.� He said opening it and waited for me to exit first.

I took a deep breath and walked through the door and made my way to the staircase. I was about to step down, but stopped. I felt Kaden come behind me and I knew there was no way I could run to my room and make it. So I stepped down anyway. I reached the base of the first flight and found Justin standing at the bottom talking with my mom.

Kaden cleared his throat and their attention turned to me and him walking down the stairs. Justin smiled and met me at the bottom with a hug.

“You look beautiful.� He said as he whispered in my ear.

“Thanks.� I whispered back, “You don’t look so bad yourself.�

He really didn’t. If there was any man who could look better than a chocolate fondue fountain it was him. He was wearing khaki slacks with a black sweater that…wow. It showed off some awesome muscles that he had grown into very well over the years. I mean I knew the man was built because he had done many shirtless magazine covers over the years. But it was one thing to see those muscles on a magazine than to see them accented nicely in by a black sweater in front of your face.

He pulled away and smiled, “So have you decided where you want to go?�

“How about we decide on the way there?�

“That sounds good to me. Are you ready to go?�

“Yeah just let me grab my coat.� I said as I made my way to the coat rack by the door. Kaden beat me to it and held up my coat so I could put my arms through it. “I’ve taught you well my son.� I said as I turned around and placed my arms through the sleeves. He brought the rest up to my shoulders and fixed my collar for me as I turned around.

“I learned from the best.� He said as he kissed my cheek then looked at Justin. “No fresh stuff with my mother.� He said in all seriousness.

Justin tried his best not to smile, “I promise.�

“I expect you in this door no later than one o’clock. I’ll be waiting.� He said as he placed another kiss on my cheek and smiled at me, “Have a good time.� He whispered in my ear as he hugged me.

“Thank you.� I said as I patted him on the back and pulled away. I turned to Justin and smiled, “Let’s go.� I said as Kaden opened the door for us.

“Have a good time kids!� I heard my mother call after us as we walked to Justin’s car. Once the door was shut to the house, Justin’s hand found mine as we continued to walk to the car.

With that touch I felt something that I hadn’t felt in sixteen years. He was the only man that with one simple touch could feel everything.




October 1997



I picked my head up off his chest and looked at Justin, “What’s with you? You’re awfully quiet.� I said as I started to place kisses up and down his jaw line.

He had just come home from the European Tour that he was on with Nsync. They were hugely popular in Europe and they had been across the pond for the majority of the year. But now he was here with me and he didn’t have to go back until after the New Year.

We were wrapped up in a blanket out by a deserted lake. Hardly anyone came to this lake, and it was mine and Justin’s favorite spot.

Thank god it was one o’clock in the morning and no one was out here. It would be pretty embarrassing considering we had nothing on under this blanket.

“I was just thinking.� He said.

I stopped with the kissing and looked into his eyes, “About what?�

He smiled, “You.�

I smiled back, “Oh yeah? What about me?�

“How much I love you. When you graduate and I get this Nsync thing going good here in America we’re going to make this forever.�

“Forever? Justin are you serious?�

“Yes, I’m serious. I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you.�

“That is true.� I said as I made myself comfortable on top of him and I smiled at him as I ran my fingers through his hair, “Because if it wasn’t for me you would have never entered that talent show in the third grade and you would have never got bit by the music bug.�

“I would have entered it with or without you.� He said smiling at me as he pushed some hair behind my ear.

“Yes, but you wouldn’t have won without me.�

“How so?�

“Oh how easy you forget Mr. Timberlake?�

“Well refresh my memory Future Mrs. Timberlake?�

Wow. That sent a chill down my spine, and a million butterflies into my stomach.

I smiled at him as I continued to run my fingers through his hair, “I like the sound of that.�

“Me too.� He said as he leaned up a little bit to place a light kiss on my lips, “Now tell me how you think we would have never won that talent contest without you?�

“Oh that. Well if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t have never done Hanging Tough and you wouldn’t know all the choreography.�

“Whatever.� He said laughing as he rolled us over.

He looked down at me for what seemed like the longest time before he bent down and placed a small kiss on my lips then looked back up, “Ready for round three?� He asked before he crushed his lips onto mine.

He really knew how to knock my world out of wack.

Justin and I somewhat caught up on the drive into Memphis. We were driving down the interstate when I saw a karaoke bar. I loved to karaoke. I hadn’t been to one since before I knew I was pregnant with Kaden. In fact it was before Justin came home for the holidays the year before. I singing all the crazy songs, and the crowds loved me. I knew by the feeling that I felt when the audience would scream for me just why Justin loved what he did so much. Of course I never told him that I loved to sing. He’d only heard me sing a long to the radio. I never loved it as much as he did to make a career out of.

“Wow I haven’t been to a Karaoke bar in forever.� I said with a little remembrance in my voice.

“Are you serious?� Justin asked as he got off on that exit.

“Well there are only so many places you can go with a son and a karaoke bar isn’t one of them.� I said as we drove down the off ramp, “Where are we going?� I asked as I looked around.

“We’re going to that bar.�

“Justin are you serious?�

“You sounded like you wanted to go. And why not? It’ll be fun.�

Now that I thought about it I really wanted to go.

“I imagine we are a little overdressed for the occasion. But let’s do it!� I said excitedly

“That’ll make it even more fun.� He said as he got in the turning lane to go to the bar.



We walked into the bar to some guy singing a very pitchy, very drunk version of I’ll Be by Edwin McCain to his even more drunk wife.

“Wow.� I said making a face like I had just heard something disgusting.

Justin laughed and placed a hand at the small of back as he led me to a table, “Do you want something to drink?�

I placed my coat on the back of my chair and sat down, “Uh I think I’ll just take a beer for right now.�

He looked at me surprised, “A beer?�

I looked at him weird, “Yeah a beer. What’s wrong with that?�

He laughed, “I didn’t think you were a beer girl. Most of the girls that I’ve taken out have been the fruity cocktail type.�

I smirked, “I thought you knew by now that I’m not most girls.� I said placing my chin in the palm of my hand.

He smirked back, “That you’re definitely not.� He said as he walked to the bar to get our drinks.

Were we flirting?

Because it sure seemed like it.

Justin walked back to our table with two Budweiser’s, “I didn’t know what you preferred so…� he said as he placed my beer in front of me.

“This is just fine.� I said as I took a long drink. I placed my beer back on the table and saw Justin staring at me with some sort of look and a smile.

“What?� I asked with a laugh.

“Nothing. I just feel like I’m getting to know this whole new person. I thought I knew everything there is to know about you. But I guess I was wrong.� He said taking a swig of his beer and placing it back down on the table.

“Time changes a lot of things. There’s a lot that I don’t know about you either.� I said in response.

“I’m sure you read a lot about me in the papers.� He said as he crossed his arms and leaned on the table.

“Well some but I knew that not a lot of that was true. I know you better than to believe what they write about you in tabloids.�

He smiled, “Yeah I guess you do.� He grabbed his beer and took another drink, “So explain this karaoke fetish that you have. I never knew this.�

“Every girl has her secrets Timberlake. I love it, but it’s just something that I used to do for fun.�

“So do I get to witness this?� He asked with a smile as he leaned back in his chair.

“In due time I promise. I don’t know if I want to sing in front of a big shot like you.�

He smirked again and leaned across the table to whisper in my ear, “I’ll go easy on ya.� His lips barely touched my ear lobe and it sent sensations to places that shouldn’t be toyed with in a bar. Unless you want to go at it in the bathroom stall.

I, of course, was not the person to back down from flirting.

“Is that a promise?�

“If that’s how you want it.�

Flirting was so easy with him, “You of all people should know that I don’t like things easy.�

He smirked back at me and stepped up his game. He placed a light kiss on the place right below my earlobe, “That I do.�

“Easy tiger.� I said laughing as I pushed him back. He laughed and sat back in his chair.

“I knew you’d be the first to give up.� He said smiling.

I rolled my eyes and smiled, “Whatever.�

Oh boy. Them sensations were getting stronger.

I grabbed my beer and downed the rest of it and stood.

Justin looked up at me from his seat, “Where are you going?�

“I’m going to look at their songs.� I said smoothing out my dress and walked toward the sound system where the karaoke guy was sitting. He let me have a book of songs and I went back to our table.

“What song are you looking for?� He asked as he leaned across the table to look at the book.

I grabbed the book and lifted it towards me, “Uh, I don’t think so. Why don’t you go get me another beer while I find a song?� I said with a smile.

“Come on why can’t I see?�

“Because I don’t want you too.� I said fixing my attention back on the book.

“Fine.� He said laughing as he stood up and walked back to the bar.

I found my song and wrote the number and my name down on the paper that the man had given me before Justin returned to the table.

“Did you find something already?�

He asked placing the beer on the table and sat down as I closed the book.

I smiled and shook my head, “Yes I did. I’ll be right back.� I said as I stood up and walked back over to the guy and gave him my slip of paper. There were five other people ahead of me so I had a while to get over the butterflies in my stomach.

I returned to my seat with Justin looking at me with curiosity.

I laughed and answered what I knew what he was thinking, “I’m not about to tell you what song I’m singing. You’ll laugh and tell that me I can’t do it.�

“I would not.�

“Oh yes you would. But you my dear friend have no idea just what I am capable of.�

He smirked, “Oh I think I do.�

I rolled my eyes and blushed, “Shut up.� I said throwing a balled up napkin at him.

He laughed and crossed his arms and leaned on the table, “Does anyone else know how much of a freak you are?�

My jaw dropped, “Justin Randall!� I squeaked.

He laughed again, “Not that it’s a bad thing. I was just wondering if I was the only person who had been introduced to that side of you.� He said smiling as he took a drink of his beer.

I glared at him. He was evil. Really evil. “I hate you.�

“No you don’t.�

“Yes I do.�

“You’re just mad because I called you on your freaky side. But don’t worry your secret’s safe with me.�

“Well you’re not exactly the boy next door when it comes to sex either.� I said taking a much needed drink of my beer.

“Touché.�

I smiled, “I seem to remember a weekend that you were back from your tour. I had the house to myself for a whole weekend and…�

He laughed nervously, “I don’t think we need to relive that.�

“Why not?�

“Because. We just don’t.�

“In fact I remember trying a new…�

“Keeley!�

It was my turn to lean across the table and give him a dose of his own medicine. I got as close as I could to where if I talked my lips would graze across his ear. He could never stand that. Someone whispering in his ear turned him on to no end.

“I liked it.� I whispered as I licked my lips sexily and sat back down in my seat.

He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair, “I seem to remember that fact very well actually.� He said smiling trying to get himself back in the game.

“Do you now?�

He smirked, “Yes I do. I’m surprised you’re bed survived.�

I was too actually.

I saw a young couple go up on stage and begin singing I Got You Babe. The guy motioned to me that I was up after them.

“You’re next huh?� Justin asked.

“I guess so.� I said taking a really long swig of my beer and slammed it back down on the table. I stood up and smoothed my dress down, “Wish me luck?�

“Luck.� He said holding up his beer as I walked toward the stage.

I stood at the steps and went over the lyrics in my head. I was pretty brave doing a Whitney Houston song but this song really described my relationship with Justin.

Although we never had an affair like the couple in the song I could really relate to the way the girl felt.




I heard the first chords play on the speakers as I grabbed the mic and looked at the screen in front of me. I smirked when I heard Justin cheering me on in the back.

“A few stolen moments, is all that we shared
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I try to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you.�

I laughed when I heard him whistling and some other guys doing the same and I began to slowly come out of my shell.

“It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you.�

I grabbed the mic off the stand and began to walk toward our table during the instrumental break.

Let’s see him try and top this.

“You use to tell me, we'd run away together.�

I sang as I sat down in his lap, and ran my finger down his cheekbone.

“Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy.�

He was laughing as I stood up and walked back to the stage.

“I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling
When you walk through that door
Cause tonight is the night for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So, I'm saving all my love
Yes, I'm saving all my love
Yes, I'm saving all my love for you

No other women is gonna love you more

Cause tonight is the night
That I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So, I'm saving all my love
Yes, I'm savin all my loving
Yes, I'm saving all my love for you
For you
For you.�

I held the note out as long as I could without cracking and placed the mic back on the stand. I smiled when the whole place erupted in applause and whistles.

I laughed as I walked back to our table, and someone else took the stage.

“I never knew that you could sing like that.� He said with an disbelieving smile on his face.

“Well I’m no Whitney Houston.� I said laughing.

“No, but damn near it.� He grabbed my hand from across the table and rubbed his thumb over my knuckles and smiled at me, “I guess you learn something new everyday. And that was damn sexy what you did to me.�

“Well you keep flirting with me and making me blush I figured it was your turn.�

“Can it be my turn again? I wouldn’t mind you doing it again.�

I laughed, “No.�

“I guess this part of the you that I don’t know.�

“I guess so.�

He smiled that smile that could win peace in countries at war and said, “Can I get to know this one?�

“I don’t know. You might not like what you find out.�

“I doubt that.�

Well he cant say that I didn’t warn him right?

“Just how well do you want to get to know this Keeley?�

“As acquainted as you want me to be?�

I placed my other hand on top of his, “Hmm, that could be a bad thing.�

“How so?�

“Because that could lethal.� I said smiling.

“Are you flirting with me Owen?�

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing with me all night?�

“I was just trying to keep it interesting. And here you are trying to come on to me?� He said jokingly as he pointed to himself.

“You’re such an asshole.� I said laughing.

“Ah but you love me.� He said leaning back in his chair.

That I do.

That I do.




March 1998



After my appointment my mom let me drive the car back home so I could rest. I promised to come pick her up before she got off that evening.

I cried the whole way home.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want this.

I just didn’t expect it to end up like this.

I loved children.

I just figured that everything else would come before the babies.

I wasn’t even still with the father.

How was I supposed to tell Justin?

Should I even tell him?

How the hell was I supposed to get a hold of him anyway? This wasn’t something that should be said over the phone. But he wouldn’t be coming back to Tennessee until after I leave to go to college in Georgia.

I pulled up into our driveway and walked into our house. I threw the keys on the table in the foyer and made my way up the stairs.

I fell face first on to my bed and cried into my pillow. I cried so much that I fell asleep. I don’t know for how long. But I was woke up by the ringing of my phone coming from the nightstand.

My voice was groggy and I was still a little sniffly from crying before but I answered anyway.

“Hello?�

“Hey Keel. It’s Trace.�

I smiled, “Hey Trace.�

“How are you? I didn’t see you at school today.�

“I’m fine I guess. I’m just…� Do I tell him? He’s my best friend outside of Justin. What do I tell him? “I’m just a little sick. It’s nothing that I won’t be over tomorrow.�

“So I’ll see you at school tomorrow then huh?�

I smiled, “Definitely.�

“So what have you been up too?�

I rolled over on my back and stared up at the ceiling as I talked to Trace, “Nothing much. I’ve pretty much counted all the little white speck on my ceiling and watched every movie that I own at least twice.�

“How long have you been sick?�

It was Monday today. So I guess I started feeling sick Friday after school. Wow, I had been sick for three days.

“Three days. It started after school on Friday.�

“Have you been to the doctor?�

Boy have I been to the doctor. I would have much preferred to have the flu compared to all this. It’s not the baby’s fault at all. I don’t regret him or her at all. I just don’t need this right now. But I’m sure the he or she didn’t either. I’m sure they don’t want to be born to some unprepared teenager getting over the break up from the love of her life. Who also happens to be their father.

“Keel? You there?�

“Uh, yeah sorry. I was just in a daze.�

“It’s alright. So you have been to the doctor right?�

“Yes I have. Do you honestly think my mother would let me go three days being sick without going to the doctor?�

He laughed, “You’re right. What did they say?�

That I’m knocked up. But I can’t tell him that now can I?

It would be nice to talk to someone other than my mother about this.

But that can’t be possible.

“That I just have a virus going around. He gave me some meds that should knock it.�

I’ve already been knocked. And pretty well apparently.

“That’s good.�

Yeah it was good. Apparently too good considering this outcome.

“Yeah, I’ll be back to me in no time.�

“Well I was just calling to check up on you since I didn’t see you at school today.�

“Thanks.�

“I’ll give you my history notes. Remind me tomorrow.�

“Alright I will. Thanks buddy.�

“No problem. What are friends for right?�

I smiled, “Right.�

“So I’ll talk to you tomorrow?�

“Yep. Uh, hey Trace?�

“Yeah?�

“Can I ask you a question?�

“Sure.�

“Will you answer me honestly?�

“As honest as I can be. What is it?�

“Have you talked to Justin since he left?�

There was a long pause on his end before he finally answered, “Yeah, I have.�

“Really?� I asked though I really wasn’t surprised.

“Yeah. I’m sorry Keels.�

I smiled though the tears started to fall again. “What do you have to be sorry for Trace? It’s not your fault.� I said trying to hide the fact that I was crying from my voice. I failed miserably.

“Keel…�

I interrupted, “I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow alright Trace?�

“Alright, bye.�

“Bye.�

I placed the phone back on the nightstand and rolled over into my pillow. I cried until I fell back asleep.

I don’t know how it happened.

I really don’t.

I mean we were standing there, just talking and saying good night, and the next second I find myself pressed up against a door, that I’m hoping is locked, with Justin’s lips pressed against mine.

This kiss…

I don’t even know if I can explain it.

That’s how amazing it was.

I don’t even know if amazing could even begin to describe that.

It was like the kiss released sixteen years of pent up sexual tension (a department that Justin and I never lacked in) on our lips.

When we finally pulled away we were both fighting for air, a strap of my dress was halfway down my shoulder, and my lipstick was smeared on my lips and his also.

I smiled. That was all I could think to do. I mean what would you do? I swear he was the only man who could do this to me. He touched nerves that no other man touched. He knew just what to do to make me his bitch. I know that sounds crude but its true. Right now with me fighting for air, looking up into his eyes filled with passion, I was putty in his hands.

And that was something that I hated and loved all at the same time.

“Wow.� I said. And that was all I could say. That was the best thing that came to my mind at the moment to describe it.

“I know. Listen I’m sorry.� He said trying to hide the fact that he wanted to do it again. I could tell he wanted too, and I can’t honestly say that I would stop him if he tried.

I breathed in deep before I tried to speak. I was making sure that I had enough air to do so.

“Don’t apologize. It was bound to happen sooner or later.� I said trying my best at an honest laugh. But it came out as a nervous laugh.

“I’ve never been able to hold back where you’re concerned.� Justin said smiling as he placed my strap back in its rightful position on my shoulder.

I shifted nervously under his gaze and smiled, “I guess I do that to people.� I said trying my best at making a joke.

“You’ve always drove me crazy.�

“Now that’s something that I’ve been told before. I drive a lot of people crazy.�

How am I supposed to reply to that? What do you say to something like that?

“Well you drive me crazy that way too but I’ve never wanted to throw another woman against the wall and ravish her like I do you.�

I laughed a genuine laugh this time, “Ravish?�

He laughed also, “Well what do you prefer?�

“I don’t know if I’ve ever been ravished. I’ve had a lot of things done to me but I don’t know if ravish is one of them. I’m not sure what qualifies as being ravished.�

“I’m sure what we just did was qualified as such. You were only medium ravished but it could have gone to well done if weren’t outside your mother’s house.�

“It never stopped you before.�

“Those were times your mother wasn’t home.�

“Ah but it was my mothers house all the same. Are you saying that you’re afraid of my mother?�

“No I’m not afraid of your mother.�

I was going to reply but I saw the porch light flicker more than once. I hadn’t seen that since the last time Justin and I found ourselves like this.

“Now that’s something that I haven’t seen in a while.� Justin said echoing my thoughts.

“How come I always get the porch light flickered at me when I’m out here with you?�

“I guess I have that affect on people. Mother’s guard their daughters when I’m around you know.�

“I guess so.�

We stood in silence for a few moments when I decided to break it, “So I guess this is good night.�

“Can we do this again?�

My mouth replied before my brain could think, “Sure.�

“What about tomorrow?�

“That sounds great.�

He smiled and bent to give me another kiss. Right when I found myself putting my hand on his neck to get more he pulls away. He pulls away with his teeth grazing my bottom lip.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.� He said as he let go of my hand and began to walk back to his car.

He left me there on my porch, lips puffed up, eyes filled with passion, and wobbly legs that were afraid to move in fear of falling on my face.

When his car left my sight I turned and walked to my door opened it and walked into my house.

“Did you have a good time?� I heard my mother ask.

“Uh, yeah, yeah I had good time.�

My head was still spinning partly because of the 8 beers that I had, and mostly because of the kiss that I just experienced and the make out session before that.

I know my mother knew something was up, “Keeley are you drunk?�

“No mom. Well maybe a little buzzed but definitely not drunk. Is Kaden in bed?�

“Yeah he went up at about eleven. Do you need something?�

I began to make my way up the stairs, “No mom I’m fine. It’s isn’t anything a cold shower can’t cure.�

“I take things went well?� she said as I stopped before concurring the second flight of stair and looked over the banister at my mother.

“Oh yeah that went very well.�

I had a feeling that things were going to go even better the tomorrow.


June 1996


“Why did you stop?� I asked trying to get breathe. Things were getting really hot and heavy between Justin and I. The only things keeping us from being naked were my jeans and his jeans. Everything else had found a new home on the floor.

“Do you realize what we’re close to doing?�

Well duh how could I not realize it?

My chest was exposed for the entire world to see and there was a condom still in the wrapper on his nightstand.

What would that say to you?

“Well it’s kind of obvious.� I said sitting up beside him as I slid behind him and hugged him from behind. I wrapped my hands around his waist and placed kisses on his shoulder blade. “I thought this is what you wanted?�

I felt his hands go over mine and rub them gently, “It is what I want. But what about you?� he said, “Keel if you want to wait, I can too. I don’t want to pressure you into doing something that you’re not ready for.�

“Babe if I wasn’t ready my bra and my shirt wouldn’t be on your floor right now.�

“I know but I just wanted to make sure you’re ok with this.�

“I couldn’t be surer of anything in my life. I love you.� I said as moved in front of him and straddled him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him softly on the lips, “I love you more than anything. And I’m not doing this just for you I’m doing this for me too. Believe me do you know how many cold showers I have to go home and take after these sessions with you?� I asked as he laughed and ran his hand softly down my cheek. I leaned my forehead against his, looked into his eyes, and smiled. “I think I’m way more than ready for the real thing.�

As soon as I said that Justin grabbed my face gently and pulled me toward him in a kiss.

He laid me back down on his bed, and we were back to where we started.

Except this time I wasn’t as nervous as I was before.

This time I had the reassurance that I was doing the right thing.

I loved Justin more than I ever thought possible, and I was going to prove it to him.

July 1998



In July of ’98 I was very pregnant, living alone in Georgia in an apartment my mom helped me get. I was going to college in the following spring, but I wanted to at least try to do this on my own. So I moved early to where I was going to be going to college right after graduation. I got a very good job that hired me even though I was six months pregnant. It was a secretary job at a local law firm. I guess they were just desperate for a secretary. My maternity leave took affect about a week ago, and I trained someone to take over my spot until I was able to come back.

My mom visits pretty regularly, and she helps me with my bills. That was something that I didn’t want her to do.

But she insisted on it. She said she respected that I wanted to do this on my own. But she had been in my shoes once and she knew that it wasn’t easy.

Of course I was the headstrong pregnant teenager that thought she knew everything.

Honestly? She was right. I couldn’t have ever made it if she hadn’t of helped me out. But all of it ceased once I finished college and was able to get on my feet good.

At least she knows that she’ll be taken good care of when she’s old.

I just wanted to be away from the small town and everything that reminded me of Justin. The talk around town was that I was just gaining weight from my depression of not having Justin around anymore.

I wish.

At this point I was still pretty pissed with Justin still. I was still going through all the issues that I had with him, and it was really messing with me.

There were days I wanted to pick up a phone and call him, and there was an even bigger part that wanted to prove that I could do this on my own. I wanted to prove that I didn’t need him as much as I thought I did.

I know it was wrong of me to deprive him of the knowledge that he had a child, but really I was just doing what I thought was best.

So one extremely hot, Southern, Georgia (hey I was seven months pregnant in the middle of summer! Give me a break!) Day I get a knock on my door. I was sort of shocked because I really wasn’t expecting my mother because she was here last weekend. I had friends here but none knew where I lived. So really who could it be?

I waddled to the door, unlocked it, and looked out the door through the chain. And imagine my surprise to find Trace standing there.

I’m not sure if my eyes bugged out of my head, but damn was I shocked.

I inwardly panicked. I mean we were best friends and we told each other everything. I was probably the only person who really knew what he really felt when Justin went away. Maybe it was because I felt the same way and that had always connected us to each other.

I guess I had a surprised expression on my face because he laughed, “Aren’t you going to let me in?�

“No.�

He laughed again, “Why not? Don’t tell me I drove all this way to see my best friend for nothing.�

I bit my lip trying my best not to cry.

Ok I know I told you we told each other everything, but I didn’t tell him about my pregnancy.

Knowing I had no other choice but to let him in, I caved. “Hold on.� I said with as much of a smile on my face as I could muster. I closed the door and unchained it.

I closed my eyes willing myself not to cry, but didn’t even succeed by a long shot.

By the time that I had the door open, tear were running down my face, and I was shaking with sobs, trying my best to but on a smile for Trace.

After all he came all this way to see me.

So I was standing there in all my pregnant glory for Trace to see.

“Hey why are you…wow.� He said rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand.

I couldn’t say anything. Not one word. The only thing that came out me was tears, and sobs.

“Keeley, honey it’s not so bad. I’m guessing that you’re pregnant?� He asked as he grabbed my face in his hands and rubbed the tears away with his thumbs.

I shook my head yes.

“Why are you crying?� He asked as I let him in and closed the door behind us.

I took as much of a deep breath that I could and tried to answer, “I d-didn’t wa-wa-want you to ss-ss-see me like this.� I said wiping tears.

“Why not? You look fine.� He said smiling at me.

I know I didn’t look fine. My hair was up in a messy bun to get it off my neck, but stray hair was falling out all over the place. I was in a pair of gray maternity shorts, and a big t-shirt with the sleeves tucked under the straps of my bra.

Taking a moment to calm down to where I could answer without crying, I sat down on my couch. Trace sat down next to me and rubbed my back supportively.

Finally with the tears finally subsiding, I wiped my face with my hands, and turned to Trace. “I guess I was wrong in thinking that I couldn’t hide this forever.�

“Keel, you’re pregnant no big deal. It’s not like you’re a horrible person. Is this why you left Millington so quick?�

I shook my head yes. That was half the reason anyway.

“How come you never told me? Were you ashamed?�

“It’s all complicated.� I said standing up. That was a hard task. Have you ever tried standing up seven months pregnant? I couldn’t stand up without pushing off of something, like the back of the couch. I walked over to the window and looked out. My apartment over looked a park. Everyday I could see mother’s playing with their children, puppy love victim teenagers walking hand in hand, and old couples sitting on a bench holding hands watching everything around them. I wish my life was that simple.

“Why don’t you tell me?� He said as he came and stood next to me.

I turned to him, “Are you sure you want to know?�

“Yeah, you’re my best friend Keel. You can tell me anything.�

“Trace when I tell you you’re going to wish you never came here, and you’re going to wish that I never told you.�

“Why? Keel, did something bad happen to you? Is that why you’re…?�

My eyes growing wide, I knew what he was thinking. “No, no, no. I, no, nothing like that happened. It’s nothing bad like that. But it’s something that I don’t know if I can burden you with.� I said fixing my glance back outside.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him, “Keel, we’re friends. That’s what we do.�

“Trace this is something that…No I can’t ask you do this. I don’t want you involved it was my mistake.�

“Obviously someone else was involved too. It doesn’t mean that you have to bare all of this alone. This is an awfully big responsibility for you to carry.� He said kissing me on the side of my head, “Let me help you. Even if it’s just talking to me about it.�

“I can’t Trace. If you only knew then you would understand.�

“So tell me and make me understand.�

“No. I can’t.�

“Please, Keel? Let me decide for myself.�

What harm could it do for me to tell Trace?

Wait, Justin’s best friend. He was loyal to Justin.

He was loyal to me too. But if this came back to blow up in my face and he found out that Trace knew…I know Justin and he would be livid. Thus resulting in the ending of a friendship on my behalf.

I just couldn’t do that to Trace.

Plus could I trust Trace to keep this to himself?

“I can’t Trace.�

“Why not?�

“Because ok!� I snapped. I rubbed my head with my hand, and looked up at Trace with a sorry look, “I’m sorry. Just forget about it ok?�

“No I can’t. I can tell that you need me. If you would just let me in, I could help you.�

“No you couldn’t.�

“How do you know?�

“Because I know ok? You couldn’t.�

He sighed heavily, “Ok so it’s obviously something serious. Something that if I knew I would obviously have to keep to myself right?�

I shook my head yes.

“So, I promise to keep it to myself no matter what it is.�

I looked up into his eyes and I could tell he was honest.

So finally with the courage that I built up I let it out but slowly, “I’m pregnant.�

He rolled his eyes, “Well I can obviously see that. How about a little more. Do you know who the father is?�

I bit my lip to try and keep the tears at bay. But like before I didn’t succeed. I shook my head yes.

“Who?� He asked softly as he rubbed my shoulder with the arm that he had once again wrapped around me.

Finally I spoke softly, “Justin.�

There was a moment of silence before he spoke, “What?� he said surprised.

“Justin’s the father.�

I heard him audibly suck in air then walk over to the couch to sit down.

At this point I only had tears streaming down my face I could talk while still making sense, “Now do you see why I couldn’t tell you?�

“Keel, why haven’t you told him?�

“Why?� I asked as if he were stupid, “Well let’s list them off shall we? Number one, he’s been gone for seven months and hasn’t bothered to call me ONCE. While he can still pick up the phone to call everyone else, he can’t pick up the phone to call me? The person that he claims to love?�

Trace tried to interject but I popped off before he had the chance, “Number two, he’s the one that broke this off not me. I was the one that wanted to give this I try. I was the one that he wanted to sacrifice all her dreams to go and follow him around the world like a puppy wanting his attention.�

Once again he failed to anything in as I began to list the third one, “Number three, what would he really do if I told him? He’s off fulfilling his dreams, Trace. How can I deprive him of that?� I said finally calming down. “And the thing that I’m most afraid of is if I called him and told him he’d come home and take care of us the way that he thinks he should. While all the while I know that I was the cause of him not being the star that he was supposed to be. I know that he’ll grow to resent me for it. And I don’t want that.� I said as I sat down beside him on the couch.

The moment between us was silent. Which was understandable considering it was a lot to take in. But he finally spoke up, “Keels, I understand all your reasons. And they’re all good, but are they really worth depriving him of his child’s life?�

“Trace, I know. I’ve told myself that over and over. My head keeps telling me to pick up the phone, but my heart can’t handle it.� I said wiping tears off my cheeks, “I love him so much it hurts, Trace. I will never, EVER, love someone as much as him. I could try, but he’s it for me. He’s got so much of me, so much of my heart that I could never get back.�

He smiled sympathetically, “I know that. I really do. But if you keep this from him. He could resent you even worse down the road. Hell it could even be worse. I don’t want to see either one of you go through that. Much less this kid. Think about that.�

“I know Trace. I know. I’m going to seriously try, but you don’t know how hard it is.�

“I know I don’t. But I’m here if you need me. And you can trust me. This is something that only you can tell. It’s not my place at all.�

I smiled, “Thank you, Trace.�

“Anytime.�

Finally something occurred to me, how the hell did he know where I lived?

“How’d you know where I lived?�

“I got your address of the letter that you sent me. You know I’m not one for writing, and I didn’t have your number. So I figured seeing you and surprising you would be good. But I guess I was wrong.�

“No Trace. I’m glad you did. It’s hard being here all by myself.�

“I’m sure. If you ever need anything you better call me.�

“I will.� I said smiling.

“But for now I’m yours until Wednesday.�

My eyes bugged out in surprise. Today was Thursday he was going to be here for almost a week. I couldn’t believe that I was going to have my best friend with me for a whole week.

“A whole week? Wow, how’d you manage?�

“Well I had this feeling that you needed me. Plus I don’t have a job so that made it easier.� He said laughing.

“Well I’m glad that you’re staying.� I said smiling.

“I’m at your service.� He said smiling back as he pulled me into a hug.


That whole week was wonderful. He waited on me hand and foot. Took me to my doctor’s appointment that week. He talked me into finding out the sex of the baby. Before I had just wanted it to be a surprise. But he made some good points about me being prepared for a nursery, clothes, and all that stuff. He was there when I found out it was going to be a boy. We went out immediately and bought the big things for the nursery, and he even put it all together and painted for the nursery for me. He even helped me pick out a name. Christopher Kaden.

Now that I look back on it. I don’t know how I would have got that finished without him. In a way I could tell that he was doing it for Justin. Since he couldn’t be there to do it, he filled in for him. To which I was grateful. But like all good things they come to an end, and by Wednesday I was all alone again.


Present


“Hey mom.� Kaden said the next day as he walked by me in the kitchen. He paused to kiss me on the cheek, “How was your date last night?� He asked opening up the fridge.

I smiled, “It was fun.�

“Fun? That’s it? That’s all you’re gonna give me?�

I rolled my eyes and laughed, “Ok I had an amazing time. Is that better?�

“A little.� He said grabbing a soda and closing the door. He popped the top and jumped up and slid onto the counter where I was reading the newspaper. He pulled it away and threw it across the room.

“Hey! I was reading that.� I screeched jumping up from my stool.

“Well you’re talking to your son now.� He said smiling innocently oddly resembling his father. “So what did you do last night?�

I shook my head and sat back down, “We went to a karaoke bar.�

He laughed, “You went to a karaoke bar?�

I rolled my eyes, “Yes I did.�

“Mom, you’ve never been to a bar before.�

Oh if he only knew, “I so have!� I said laughing.

“I’ve never known you to go to a bar.�

“There are some things that a mother does not tell her son.�

“So I guess you stand the same on there are some things that a son doesn’t tell his mother?�

I laughed. Oh was he a slick one, “Uh, nice try.�

“Just thought I’d try.� He said taking a drink of his soda. He shook the hair out of his eyes, “So you went to a bar.�

“Yes, I went to a bar. I actually like doing karaoke. It’s just when I had you my priorities changed.�

He smiled and he pinched my cheek then patted it, “Such a good mother you are.�

“You’re such a dork.� I said rolling my eyes as I stood up.

“So what are we doing this weekend?� He asked as he hopped down from the counter.

I tightened my robe around me and looked at him, “I don’t know what do you want to do?�

“I was hoping it would be ok for me to go spend the weekend at a friend’s house.� He asked hopefully.

“You made some friends? Why didn’t you tell me?�

“I don’t know. But I did.�

“Are they nice?�

He rolled his eyes, “Yes, mom, otherwise I wouldn’t be friends with them.�

“Well I don’t care if you go. Can I meet the parents first?�

He rolled his eyes, “Mom…�

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry. I know I keep forgetting you’re sixteen.� I said pushing some hair from his face. “Go for it.� I said smiling at him.

“What are you going to do this weekend? If you’re gonna be alone I won’t go.�
He’d rather hang with his mother than a friend?

Most mothers would kill for that, but I’ll be fine.

“Thanks, but I’m sure I can find something to do.�

That’s when that smirk came up on his face. That same smirk that his father had when he was about to do something, “Or someone.� He said before the smirk turned into a full on smile.

My mouth dropped and he jetted off to the foyer and the next thing I head was him running up the stairs calling back, “Love you mom!�

I smiled and shook my head and proceeded to clean up my breakfast mess.

I was just finishing loading up the dishwasher when I head the doorbell ring.

I wasn’t expecting anyone, but I went to answer it anyway. I pulled the robe tighter around me and pushed some hair behind my ears, and opened it.

My face broke into a smile, and I squealed when I saw who was standing there. I jumped into his arms and gave him the killer of all hugs.

“Oh I was hoping I would see you eventually!� I said squeezing him tighter. I had my legs wrapped around his waist, and he was laughing.

“Wow, I wish all girls were this excited to see me. I usually get the sloppy seconds.� He said. “The last time I saw you like this you were VERY pregnant.�

I pulled my face back to look him in the eyes, “I’m so excited to see you.�

“As if I couldn’t already tell? I have what feels like 130 pounds of leg wrapped around me.� He said smiling. “Why didn’t you tell me you were in town?�

I hopped down, “I know I’m sorry. I’ve been so busy. I’m looking for a house, plus just starting this new teaching job, getting adjusted back to small town life in Millington, and trying to keep up with my son…�

Speak of the devil he bounded down the stairs, “Mom who’s at the…�

“Kaden, come here, come here.� I said waving him over with a huge smile.

Kaden smiled back and shoved his hands in his pockets as he came over.

“Kaden this is my best friend, Trace Ayala. Trace this is my son, Kaden.� I said wrapping my arm around Kaden’s waist.

“It’s nice too meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’ve been meeting a lot of old friends lately.� Kaden said laughing.

“You mean he’s…?� Trace said with a look in his eyes that I could read instantly.

“Met Justin? Yep, he met him the first week back into town.� I said giving him another look telling him that Kaden nor Justin still knew nothing about my secret.

He shook his head but played it off, “You mean Justin got to see you guys before me? I see where I rank, Keels.�

I rolled my eyes, “Come in, come in. Do you want some coffee? I just made a fresh pot.� I asked as I adjusted my robe. Kaden shut the door behind us.

“It was nice to meet you Mr. Ayala. Mom, I’m gonna go finish packing my bag. Oh and just so you know she’s totally not Mrs. Starbucks so be warned.� He said as he motioned to upstairs with his thumb and proceeded to go up them two by two.

“That’s some kid you got there. He’s very polite and funny.� Trace said laughing as I led him into the kitchen. I saw him looking around, “This place hasn’t changed a bit.� He said sitting down on a stool.

“Nope, and I hope it never does.� I said as I grabbed a mug out of the cabinet and began to pour coffee into it. “Black or white?� I asked sliding him the cup.

“White. Two cream, two sugar.� He said as I handed him a spoon and two jars.

He scooped out his sugar and cream and began to stir it in. He clinked his spoon and sat it down, “You look really good, Keel.�

I smiled and sat down beside him, “Thanks.�

“So I take it you never took my advice.� He said as he took a sip of his coffee. “But I guess you had your reasons, and it was logical. I never really thought you would anyway.�

“I know I should have, but the more I waited the harder it got.� I said looking down at my hands.

He rubbed my back gently, “You know I never told him, right? That stayed strictly between you and I.�

I smiled, “I know. I know that must have been hard for you. That’s the reason I didn’t want to tell you in the first place.�

“But it was even harder for you. Plus it was one of the only things that I knew about you that Justin didn’t.� He said smiling.

“Can I ask you something?�

“Anything.� He said taking another sip of his coffee.

“Did he ever talk about me?�

“All the time.� He said sitting his cup back down.

“Really?�

“Yep. He never stopped loving you, you know. He stayed away from you for the same reasons you never told him about Kaden. He thought that bringing you into all of his…stuff, whatever you want to call it, would just bring you down. He thought that it would eventually ruin everything that you guys had, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to bring you into all that. So, he thought it best to just stay away.�

I didn’t say anything.

Couldn’t say anything.

I never thought of that.

“You guys are more a like than you thought, huh?� He asked nudging me.

“I guess so.� I said standing up as I walked over to the fridge. I opened up and looked. For what I don’t know.

“I always hoped that you guys would make it back to each other. You guys were meant to be. I know it.�

I closed the fridge, “I guess we’ll see what happens.�

“You know you’re going to have to tell him eventually right?�

“Yes I know.�

He smiled and got up and walked toward me, “I’m gonna go. Thanks for the coffee.� He said kissing me on the cheek and wrapping me in a hug. “Hey I can wrap my arms around this time.� He said referring to the last time we hugged.

I hit playfully on the back, “I was pregnant you jackass.�

“I’m just kidding.� He said walking backwards toward the entrance to the foyer, “Listen, we need to hang out or something. Call me, ok? Justin’s got my number.�

I smiled, “I will. You want me to walk you out?�

“Naw, I know my way. Love ya!�

“Love you too.� I called as he jogged toward the door.

Some things never change.

I wrapped my robe tighter, and began to walk up the stairs toward my room to get dressed.

“Hello?� I said into the phone.

It had been at least four hours since Trace left, and I had just gotten back from taking Kaden to his friends house.

“Hey sweetie, how’s your day going?�

“Hey mom, it’s going real good so far. Trace came by this morning.�

“Did he? I saw him the other day at the store and I told him that you moved back.�

“So that’s how he found out.�

“I can’t believe you didn’t call him and let him know.�

“I know I should have but I’ve been so busy.�

“I know. Listen the reason I was calling was because I have to work later than what I thought.�

So I guess you’re probably wondering what it is exactly that my mom does that keeps her working insane hours.

She’s a doctor at one of the hospitals in Memphis. She was a nurse when I was pregnant with Kaden, but ever since I was little she was putting herself through college and then Medical School. The graduated medical school when Kaden was one year old. She’s a pretty good doctor. She’s always been one of my greatest heroes. She’s the reason that I knew that I could raise my son on my own and still accomplish my dreams. I just had an extra person along for the ride to help me enjoy it.

“How much later?�

“Like I’m on call until tomorrow morning.�

“Mom, this is not healthy. You of all people should know that.�

“I know which is why I have the whole next week off. But anyway don’t wait up for me, and I’ll grab something to eat here, ok?�

I sighed. My mother was going to run herself ragged. Don’t let her age fool you. She and Lynn are the healthiest 54 year old women that I know. They don’t even look their age.

“Alright, but drink lots of coffee. Do you want me to bring you some Starbucks?�

“That sounds good, but I can get something from here, ok?�

“Alright. I love you.�

“I love you to sweetheart. I’ll talk to you later.�

“Alright, bye.� I said smiling as I hung up the phone.

How is it that I always find myself with a lot of free time and not a damn thing to do?

I put the phone back on the jack, and fell over backwards onto the couch, and sighed.

I heard the doorbell ring, and I flipped my legs over onto the couch and stood up.

“I come baring gifts.� I heard Justin say as I opened the door.

He was standing there with a large pizza-which smelled like pepperoni, and also happens to be my favorite-in one hand and a six pack of beer.

He really wasn’t going to let me live the beer thing down was he?

“Pizza and beer. I don’t want to sound easy or anything but I think you just won my heart, if not my stomach.� I said as I let him through.

He laughed, “I’ll keep that in mind. You still like pepperoni right?�

I smiled surprised that he remembered little things like that. “Always.� I said as I followed him into the kitchen.

He sat the pizza on the counter, and smiled at me. “You look cute.�

“Thanks, I guess.� I said as I sat down on the counter.

I really wasn’t trying to look cute; it was just something that I wear on a normal basis. I had on a thin gray ribbed sweater, a pair of dark denim jeans with spots or wear and tear. They were my favorite and I’ve had them for at least two years. I had actually worn them so much that the butt of my jeans was beginning faded and so were the legs. It looked like I bought them like that but really I didn’t. I had small holes in the thigh, and they were the most comfortable pair of jeans that I owned. Anyway, I had on little make up, and my hair was thrown up into a clip.

“Do you have any paper plates.�

I mentally kicked myself in the ass, “Damn I knew I forgot something yesterday. Uh, paper towels are over there if you want to use those.�

“Works for me.� He said as he walked over to the other counter and ripped off a couple of sheets. He walked back over and laid one down in front of me and laid a big slice of pizza on top of it.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the awesome aroma. “I haven’t had pizza in months.� I said grabbing the slice and taking a huge bite out of it.

“Months? I thought you lived for pizza?� He said sitting down beside me, as he grabbed a slice and bit into it.

“I do.� I said wiping my mouth as I chewed. I swallowed before I continued, “I’ve just haven’t grabbed a pizza for dinner in a while. Kaden is more of a Mexican, Chinese kind of guy.�

“How is he your son?�

“I don’t know. I’ve asked myself that question also. Although I do love Mexican and Chinese…nothing holds a candle to good ole Pizza.� I said looking at it as I took another bite.

“Where’s your mom and Kaden?� He asked as he opened a beer and handed it to me.

“Thank you.� I said as I accepted it. I took a drink and swallowed before I answered the rest of the question, “Mom is on call until this morning, and Kaden is staying at a friends house.�

“Home by yourself huh?�

“Yes I am.�

God this isn’t going to turn into a flirting war like it did last night is it?

“The last time you were home by yourself, and I was here with you we weren’t eating pizza.� He said smiling as he took another bite.

I shook my head to rid myself of any memory that would come into my mind. I decided not to reply to that remark and just took another drink of my beer. Thank god for beer.

“Do you remember that?�

I closed my eyes and opened them and took a bite of my pizza, “Yep.�

That was all I could say.

That night was possibly the best night that I had with a guy. Or weekend for that matter considering I was alone for a whole weekend.

That was also the weekend that could be marked as the weekend that I had the best sex of my life.

Even though I was fifteen nothing compared to that.

I may not have been able to get over Justin completely but I’ve had quite a few boyfriends. And none of them even measured up to Justin.

And here they were grown ass men getting compared to the sex that I had when I was fifteen. And the man that I remembered when he was a teenager.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up.�

“It’s ok.� I said wiping my hands on another napkin.

“Trace told me he came by and saw you today.�

I smiled, “Yeah he did. He shocked the hell out of me. I had been meaning to call him, but I’ve just been so busy.�

“You know we missed you a lot when you were in Georgia.�

“Really?�

Could have fooled me. At least Trace bothered to see how I was every once in a while.

That day that I saw Justin at the grocery store when I first moved back to Millington was the first time that I had talked to him since he left me in the airport.

“Yeah really. Of course I missed you.�

I bit my tongue. I wanted to say something but that would only lead to an argument. So I stayed silent.

“Listen I know you probably don’t believe me. But I thought about you everyday. I loved you, Keel.�

I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Besides he practically provoked me to say it.

“You thought about everyday? You loved me? Wow, you could have fooled me.� I said as I took a drink of my beer. I forcefully sat back down on the counter and turned to look at him and continued, “You could call everyone else, but you couldn’t call me? I had to hear how you were doing through Trace. Me, the person that you say you loved. The first time that I even heard you say my name since you left me crying my heart out in that damn airport was two weeks ago Justin! Two weeks ago after sixteen years.�

After a few moments of silence from both of us, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.� I said

“Is that how you really feel?�

Well there’s no use in denying it, “Yes.�

“Then don’t be sorry. I knew the other night when I tried to apologize you let me off a little too easy.�

“But I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with you.�

“Keel, you had every right.�

Why do I feel like such a hypocrite?



January 1998



I heard him groan as I pulled away from the kiss, “Justin do you have the condomns?� I asked as he began to work on kissing my neck.

I bit my lip and felt my eyes roll back in my head as his hand found my breast.

Think rationally, Keel, think rationally.

I kept telling myself that but the more he sucked on my neck and massaged my breast the more it was hard for me even TRY to think at all.

“Justin?�

“Hmm?� he mumbled against my neck making me shiver.

“Did you hear me?�

“Mmm hmm.� He mumbled again against my neck.

Rolling my eyes I grabbed his head and made him look me in the eyes, “Do you have the condoms?�

I saw him mentally kick himself in the ass, “No.�

Fuck, I thought to myself as sighed heavily. I laid my head back down on the back seat of the car.

“Baby, I’m sorry.�

“Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing a cold shower won’t fix. I’m used to it with all our conversations on the phone.� I said as I laid my arm across my eyes.

He couldn’t be serious. This was the first chance that we’ve had to do to do anything since he’d been home for the holidays. And he’s been home since November 19.

He leaves tomorrow and its January 14.

Almost a month, and when you add on the other months that we’ve gone without each other that makes three.

“You know what, fuck it. We’ve come to far to stop now. Because a cold shower isn’t going to cure this.� I heard Justin say as he removed my arm from my eyes.

“So, it wouldn’t be the first time you had to use other means of curing that.� I said looking down at his pants.

That’s so not fair. Here I am in all my naked glory and he still has his pants on.

“No we’re going to do this. I promised you tonight, and you’re gonna have it.�

“Justin we have no protection and I’m not on birth control.�

I heard sigh, “So, we’ll just…deal with it.�

“Deal with it?�

“Yeah.�

“What if I end up pregnant?�

“Then you’ll be pregnant. Come on if we’re old enough to have sex then we’re old enough to own up to our responsibilities.�

He had a point. And besides it was only going to be one time. I mean I know it only takes one time, but come on what were the chances.

So I grabbed his face and pulled him down to mine. And we finished what we started.

But I knew I was really pushing my luck when we went up for round two. It was like I could already feel the change in my body.

I took a long swig of my beer as thoughts of that night left my mind. I guess that’s why I felt like a hypocrite. I’m getting mad at him for something that was half my fault also. Considering my stated and how he was involved I really should have been the one doing the calling.

“Easy there Killer.� Justin said as he helped me clear the counter of our mess. He grabbed our empty bottles and put them in the trash as I followed suit with the pizza boxes. I took one more long drink from my beer and threw the bottle in the trash.

This wasn’t good.

Those memories, plus having them while Justin’s here, isn’t good at all.

“So I think we need to talk.� Justin said as he followed me out of the kitchen and into the living room

I sat down on the couch, “Talk about what?�

“A lot of stuff, like last night for instance.�

I swallowed and I knew automatically where this conversation was going, “What about it?�

“Did you notice how we slipped back into the swing of things like nothing ever happened?�

It did feel like it did all those years ago. “We did didn’t we?� I said with a smile.

“I just want to know where we stand with each other. Can I be honest with you?� He asks as he turned his whole body to face me on the couch. “You know like you were with me in the kitchen?�

Well hell. “Sure.�

“I never stopped loving you. I’ve tried to except the decision that I made when I left you in the airport, and I tried to write off the way that I felt for you as puppy love, but I couldn’t do it. I’ve searched for what I had with you with every girl that I thought looked appealing to me, but I couldn’t. Not even what I had with Britney holds a candle to what I felt with you. You were, are the only girl that can drive me crazy with just one look, or just one simple touch like holding my hand.�

Well at least I’m not the only one who’s victim to something like that.

“What are you saying?� I asked.

Why I asked that I don’t know. I knew damn well what he was saying.

Maybe I just wanted to hear him say it.

“I’m saying that I would like to give me and you another chance. We’ve lost sixteen years together, and that was mostly my fault. I’d like to make that all up. But only if you’re willing to give it another go.�

Sixteen years. Sixteen long years, I’ve waited to hear those words. What I would have given if he would have called like he said he would, maybe things would have been different now, because there is so much left unsaid on my part. Like one reason that is almost grown up, and is sleeping at a friends house right now.

God I want to be with him again. I want it so bad. At least that much hasn’t changed. But so much more than that has. Too much time has passed between the both of us.

Now more than ever I wish I would have took Trace’s advice.

But it never seems to amaze me that my mouth and heart are connected, and my brain- the smarter one by the way- is left out in the cold. Neither mouth nor heart even considers it’s opinion. So imagine my non-surprise when my mouth opens and begins to talk while my brain is silently protesting.

“Are you sure? I mean lots of things have changed. I’m not the same girl that you fell in love with.� I said. I guess that was my way of telling him the truth but with a hidden meaning.

Aren’t I amazing?

NOT!

“I know you’re not the same. You’re a mother now. You’re not a teenager anymore and neither am I. You’re a smart, independent, and even more gorgeous than before, woman. All of that has made me fall even more in love with you than I already was.� He said as he grabbed my hand.

“I don’t know.� I said unsure. And for once in my life my brain got to speak up without my heart’s overbearing voice shutting it out.

“We don’t have to rush into anything.�

When I didn’t reply he continued, “I’ve lost you once, and you’ve come back into my life. I’m not going to let you go again. There’s a reason we found each other again, Keel. I know it’s hard to believe that you can find your soul mate when you’re fourteen years old, but I think I did.�

Forget my guilty brain. Insert heart, “Ok, but as long as we don’t rush.� I said.

“Really?�

I smiled, “Yeah. I think it was the bullshit about me being your soul mate that got me. Do you use that on all the girls?� I ask with a playful smile.

“This was my first time trying it out. I guess it worked. Do you think I should use it more often?�

“Only on me.� I said as I reached over toward him and pulled him by shirt toward me as I crushed my lips on his.

Do you ever get that feeling when you see, smell, or hear something you automatically get pulled into the memory.

Kind of like those Hidden Valley Ranch commercials. You know where the person is sitting at the table with their salad and they pour the dressing on and take a bite and then you see that they’re thinking about home. Because the taste of Hidden Valley make them feel like they’re there with their family.

That’s how kissing Justin felt to me.

In an odd since I felt like this was where I belong. And for once I forgot about how guilty I was. Time would tell. But I know that if I keep buying my time, everything is going to blow up in my face.

I’ll loose everything that was ever important to me. Possibly even my son.



October 2000



“Kaden put that down.� I said as I pressed the talk button on my phone.

“Hello?� I said into the receiver.

“Hey sweet cheeks. Remember me?�

My face lit up, “Trace! God I haven’t talked to you in forever. How are you?�

“I’m good. I’m just chasing our pop star friend’s ass around the world. He thinks I have nothing better to do.�

I wince at the mention of Justin, “Are you having fun?�

“Yeah. Everyday is pretty interesting. Never a dull moment.�

“How are the guys?�

“They’re good. They ask about you a lot.�

“Really?�

Even though I didn’t have much time with them, I still missed the Nsync boys a lot. Everyone of them, especially JC, were so great and talented. I could see the first second that I met them why Justin loved them all so much.

“Yeah. So, how are you?�

“I’m good. Life as a student, and single mother are working out pretty good considering.�

“How is the munchkin?�

“He’s great. Growing like a weed everyday.� I said as I fondly looked over at my two year old baby boy.

“Are you ever going to tell Justin?�

I sighed. It never failed that every time I talked to Trace he always brought it up. It was like his goal in life to not ever let me forget who my child’s father was. It wasn’t as if I weren’t reminded every day when I looked into my son’s eyes. “Yes, Trace. In due time, ok? I can’t just call him and say ‘Hey, guess what? You’re a daddy.’ And that’s not a conversation that I can see us having over the phone nonetheless.�

“I understand. You know if you would come home every once in a while you could tell him face to face.�

I love Trace. I love the man to death, but sometimes he just knew how to stomp on every single one of my nerves.

And to think today was a good day.

“Trace! It’s not your business to tell alright? You’re not the one that has to live with the decision everyday. You’re not going to be the one who gets punished for it in the long run. So please let it go, alright?�

“I can’t let it go. Especially when I know how miserable my two best friends are without each other.�

“Well try ok? And you know what? I’m really not all that miserable without him alright?�

Yeah right. That was a horrible lie if I ever heard one. Either Trace decided calling me on that would be an argument he would save for later or he actually believed me.

“Keeley things would be so much easier for you…�

“What if I like things the hard way, Trace?� I snapped.

“You know what? You’re just as stubborn as he is.� He sighed, “Whatever, if you can’t see how this is going to possibly going to blow up in your face if you don’t let it out soon then I’m just wasting my breath.�

“My point exactly.�

“Change of subject. Did you get the birthday present that I sent him?�

“Yes, I did. He loves it.� I said looking over to where Kaden was dragging behind him by the arm, an almost bigger than him, stuffed gorilla. It was a stuffed Turk from the Disney movie Tarzan. Which happened to be Kaden’s favorite. Kaden slept with that thing every night, every where we went he had to have Turk with him.

“You know Nsync did a song for that movie?�

I rolled my eyes, “Yes I know.�

“Do you ever think that maybe the reason that he loves the movie so much?�

“The song isn’t even in the movie Trace.� I said already getting frustrated again.

“Well…still. It’s on the soundtrack.�

Which we have to listen to every where we go. And it just so happens he likes the song that they did with Phil Collins, Trashin The Camp.

Wonderful, huh?

“Yes, I am fully aware that it is on the soundtrack. You call one time when I’m in the car with him and that song is on, and you won’t leave it alone.�

“He may know that subconsciously that’s his father singing to him.�

I roll my eyes, “Since when did you become a Psych major?�

“Hey I took it for one semester…�

“Before you dropped out of college completely.� I interrupted.

“Shut up.� He said laughing.

I could hear another voice on his side say, “Who you talking to?�

I heard Trace cough and say, “Just a friend.� Then he said to me, “Hey, I’m gonna let you go. I’ll call you later alright?�

I smiled sadly to myself, “Alright. Thanks for calling.�

“Hey, no problem. You know I got to check up on my favorite girl.� He said then I heard the “person� in the background giving him grief over the favorite girl. I swear some things never change.

I laughed silently, “I never knew I was your favorite girl.�

“The one and only that is until I find my other one and only.�

“I’m glad I can be of service.� I said as I laughed.

“Momma I hungry.� I heard as I looked down to see my son standing before me with those blue puppy dog eyes.

“I guess I really do need to let you go. I’ll talk to you soon ok?�

“Momma I say bye!� Kaden said excitedly as he reached up with his short stubby little arm.

“Hold on someone wants to say bye.� I said as I bent down to his level. I held the phone to his ear, and instructed, “Say ‘Bye, Trace.’�

He smiled, and said into the phone, “Bye, Tace!�

I pulled the phone away, and heard Trace laughing, “Kid’s adorable.�

“Thanks, I’ve been trying.�

“So you’ll call me soon?�

“Promise.� Trace said

“Bye.�

“Bye.� He said as I pressed the end button on my phone. I hung back on the jack, bent, and scooped my little boy in my arms.

I put loud kisses all over his face, and he was laughing trying to push my face away with his hand, “Dop, Momma.�

“I can’t help it. I love you too much.�

“I wuv you too. I hungry.� He said dramatically rubbing his belly.

Yeah, we all know where he got that trait from.

I adjusted him on my side, and walked into the kitchen, “What do we want to eat?� I asked as I placed him in his little booster seat.

“Donalds!� He squealed.

The kid could eat his way through some Happy Meals.

“How about some…� I drifted away as I looked through my pantry, “Yeah let’s go to Donalds.� I said as I walked over to my son and scooped him into my arms, and grabbed my keys off the table.

“Yay! I get to play when we get there momma?�

“If you eat all your Happy Meal.� I said as I closed my apartment door behind us and locked it.

“Can I play wif my toy while I eat?�

“That would be a no.� I said as I walked to my car. I pressed the unlock button on my key ring, and saw my lights flash signaling that it was unlocked.

“Pease?� he said with THE pout. Justin wasn’t even around to teach that, and yet he had down to the T.

“No.�

“Pease?� He said again as I sat him in his car seat in the back.

“No.�

“Pease?� He said again as I buckled him into it.

I pushed some hair out of his face, and kissed his forehead, “I’ll think about it.� I said as I closed the backseat door, and walked around to my side of the vehicle.

If he kept that up how would I ever be able to say no to him?

I laughed as I popped two pieces of popcorn into my mouth. I was laughing at something Justin told me. We were supposed to be watching a movie, but we ended up just talking through the whole thing.

It had been one week since our conversation that we had over pizza, and this was our first official outing as a…couple…again.

Ok so it wasn’t an outing per say. We were just chillin at his house tonight. He said tonight we were going to officially get caught up with each other. We were going to talk about everything. But I think one certain point will be left out of the conversation.

“So is your favorite band still New Kids on the Block?� he asked as he grabbed some popcorn out of the bowl that sat between us on the couch.

“No, my taste in music is much different now thank you very much.� I said as I threw a piece of popcorn at him.

“Glad to see something changed.� He said taking a drink of his beer. He sat the beer down on the table next to him and looked back at me, “Are you ready to get a little more personal?�

“Fire away.� I said. At this point I was comfortable telling him anything. Well except THAT. That would have to wait until I get it sorted out in my head.

“Was there anybody after me that you loved?�

I thought about that for a second before I answered, “There have been a few that I know I cared very deeply about. One that I did love and thought that I could build a life with but I thought wrong.�

“What happened?�

“Turned out that he wanted me and not me and my son. He had plans to send him a private school; you know one of those richer schools where you have to live in a dorm like you’re in college? Kaden is my life and I wasn’t willing to let him be away from me and I am able to only see him on the weekends.�

“He seriously wanted to send him away?�

“Yep, that plus I found out he was messing around with his secretary.�

“Damn what tree did you pick that one off of?�

“Probably the same one as some of yours fell off of.�

“Probably.� He said taking a drink of his beer.

“So what about you?�

“The only other girl that I loved besides you is Britney. Other than that no.�

“I was surprised you and Brit didn’t get married.� I said grabbing my beer. I pouted when I saw it was almost gone, but took a drink anyway.

“Ah, I was almost ready too.� He said looking at this bottle. “But almost doesn’t count.�

“I guess it doesn’t.� I said sitting my beer back down on the table.

“What about Kaden?�

I paused with a piece of popcorn half way to my mouth, “What about him?� I asked as put it in my mouth and slowly began to chew it.

“How’d you do it?�

“Well I don’t know if I want to talk about that memory…� I said in a joking tone, but how ironically close that was to how I was feeling.

“You know what I mean.� He said smiling.

“To tell you the truth I don’t know how I did it. I just did it. I had no choice. I know I couldn’t have done what I did without my mother.� I said shaking my head fondly.

“You’ve got a pretty amazing kid.�

So do you.

“Well I tried my best.�

“He really seems to adore you.� He said smiling.

“The feeling is mutual.�

“How did he come into music?�

“Well you know me I’ve always loved music, but you get me to write or play something I suck. But with his it just comes natural. One year for Christmas my mom got him a toy guitar and he loved that thing and surprisingly he played it in tune to every song.� I said smiling at the memory.

Which if you ask me sounds eerily close to that story that Lynn tells about Justin singing in perfect tune with the radio when he was kid.

Like father like son I guess.

“Wow, pretty smart kid.�

“The first song he ever responded to was…� I laughed; I couldn’t believe I was telling him this, “Trashin the Camp on that Tarzan soundtrack.�

“The one with us and Phil Collins?�

I shook my head yes, “Yep.�

“How old was he?�

“Probably about two.�

“So if he wants to pursue music professionally are you going to let him do it?�

He asked me that question as if he knew something I didn’t, “Why?�

“I don’t know I was just asking. He seems like music is what he wants to do in life. I was just curious if you would support him with it.�

I looked at with my eyebrow furrowed together like I was trying to figure out something, “You know something.�

“I don’t.� He said defensively.

“You forget that I know you like the back of my hand. I know how to read you, Justin Randall.�

He sighed, “Ok, he told me that day that he and I were messing around in my studio that he really wanted to try his hand musically.�

“And?�

“And that he didn’t know if he should because he didn’t want to leave you.�

That kid. Have I mentioned lately how much I love him? I smiled as I bit my lip to try and keep the tears that I knew were going to come at bay.

“I’ve always told him that I would support him anyway I could. I would have not problems with him leaving me to go follow his dream. That’s why I never held you back.�

He’s such an amazing kid. I don’t know how I ever got so lucky.

“And for that I’ve always respected you. You loved me enough to let me go. For a time I resented you for not telling me not to leave. But then some crazy short guy told me that I was seeing it all wrong.� He said smiling as he took my hand. I knew the crazy short guy that he was talking about. I wonder if he bugged him about me as endlessly he bugged me about him.

“You know he practically bugged me everyday to call you.� He said pulling me from my spot on the other side of the couch next to him.

As if sixteen years never went by with out him I found my favorite spot. My head rested in that nook between neck and his chest, and my arms were wrapped around his waist with my legs draped across his lap.

“Isn’t this how you used to sit with me?�

“Mmm hmm.� I said breathing in his scent. It was the perfect mix of his natural smell, laundry detergent, shower soap, shampoo, cologne, and deodorant. I swear if they could bottle this up I would be relaxed all the time. It was like an aphrodisiac and a smell that relaxed me.

I felt him playing with my fingers, and running his fingers through my hair.

He really wanted me to go to sleep.

“You know if you’re trying to get me to go to sleep so you can play out your dirty fantasies…you’re succeeding.� I said sighing.

“I’m pretty sure I want you awake for one of those.� He said as he let the hand that was running through my hair fall to my hip.

Why did I even have to bring up fantasies to Justin?

Now it had me wondering just…You know if he was THAT good when we were fifteen….I wonder…

Damn! I need to stop that.

Oh, god.

With every intake of breath the more his scent got under my skin, and the more my mind began to wonder.

I think I’m a little to close for comfort.

“This is nice.� I hard him say as he rested his chin on my head, and rubbed circles on the little sliver of skin that was showing between the hem of shirt and top of my jeans with his thumb.

I was trying my hardest not to breath in with my nose. I swallowed hard.

“Uh, um,� I struggled, “What time is it?�

“It’s 11:30. Why? Are you ready to go? We’ve only been here for three hours.�

Shit, shit, shit. What do I do?

If I stay here I’ll end up jumping his bones and throwing all declarations of taking it slow out the damn window.

“No, I was just wondering.� I said.

This man literally knew how to drive me crazy. He made me want to throw him up against the wall, and do things to him…let’s not finish that.

I can’t take this anymore. I either have to sit away from him, or leave if that doesn’t work.

Or I could like I said throw inhibitions to the wind.

I pushed myself away from him, and acted like I was getting up to get another beer.

“You ok?�

I stood and grabbed my bottle, “Yeah.� I said smiling, “I just need another.� I said twirling the bottle in my hand. “Do you want one?�

He shook his head no, “I’m fine.�

I smiled and walked into his kitchen and immediately walked to his refrigerator and stuck my head into the freezer part.

“Get a grip, get a grip, get a grip,� I kept repeating to myself.

I tensed up when I felt someone’s presence behind me, and my eyes practically bugged out of my head when I felt a hand grab my arm and turn me around.

That’s when I saw Justin staring at me. His eyes were telling me that he felt the same way I felt.

Then he put both of hands on my face and traced my cheekbones with his thumb. He placed he forehead against mine, and barely grazed his lips over mine.

God what a fucking tease.

Then he did it again, and opened his eyes to see if I was going to protest. When he saw no signs of me protesting he practically crushed my lips with his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed him closer to me. As if that were possible. We were as close as we could get without…

Why is it throughout our whole relationship we could never keep our hands off each other.

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. Thank god for the fridge that I was standing up against or else I would have been on the floor. I could practically feel my lips plumping up from all the suck face I was just doing.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close touching our foreheads together, “Did you want to do that as bad as I did?�

I smiled, “Hence the reason you found in me in your freezer. It’s the next best thing to a cold shower.�

He laughed and placed a kiss on my nose, “You’re smell is like a…fucking aphrodisiac. It was taking all I had not to flip you over on the couch.�

“I was thinking the same thing.� I said laughing.

“I was thinking, maybe we could kick this thing up a gear or two? Otherwise you’re going to kill me.�

“You’d die happy.� I said playing with the hairs that curled at his neck. I love his hair this length. It’s not insanely curly like the fro he had going on years ago, but curly like the way he had with Justified.

Yes, I was forced to keep up with him. Partly because I was just too addicted and the other half because my son loved his music.

“That I would.� He said placing another kiss on my lips.

“I can’t feel my lips.� I said laughing against his.

“What?� He said laughing back.

“I can’t feel my lips. They’re numb.� I said bringing my hand up to touch them.

He laughed and pulled me back into him and whispered in my ear, “I could make more things other than your lips numb.�

I swear if he hadn’t of been holding me up I would have melted into the floor. I moaned.

Oh god did I just do that audibly.

“Please don’t do that.� Justin said as he hissed in some air.

I guess I did.

“Well don’t say things like that.�

“I can’t help it. I swear when I’m 80 years old you’ll still do this to me.�

“You’ll be a dirty old man.�

“With a woman like you? Hell yes.�

I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to take this much longer. If more of our “outings� ended up like this…the window will be broken with all the inhibitions gone through it.

“I should go while I still have the will power to leave.� I said not ever taking a step but locking my fingers together behind his neck.

“You probably should.� He said tightening his grip around my waist.

Ok so maybe I’ll stay a little longer.



September 1998



I watched as the lights whizzed by above my head. Oh god I’m nauseous.

And luckily I can’t feel anything from the waist down.

I look on either side of me and see my mother on one side and my doctor on the other.

I guess my mom could read what was going through my mind, “Everything’s going to be fine, baby doll. In less than minutes we’ll be holding that beautiful new baby boy.� She said as they wheeled me into the delivery room. I had everyone running every which way around me getting me prepped for my delivery.

My mom was by my side the whole time. Even though the only part of her face that I could see was her eyes, that’s all that mattered to me. Those eyes were very soothing to me.

“Momma I can’t do this.� I said frantically.

“Yes you can baby.�

“He’s not here momma. I can’t do this without him here.� I said tears running down my cheeks.

“It’s a little too late for that baby.� She said sympathetically.

“I should have told him.� I said looking up into her eyes. As if I was asking her forgiveness.

“I know honey. You can’t regret the decisions you’ve made. You did what you thought was best at the time. Who knows maybe it all happened like this for a reason that you’ll only find out down the road.�

“Mrs. Owen can I ask you to place your feet into these please?�

I shook my head yes and did as I was told. “Call me Keeley. Since we have two Mrs. Owens’ in the room.� I said looking up at my mother. The doctor laughed.

“Alright, Mrs. Owen can I ask you to push the button on the bed to make it rise into a reclined position.�

And soon as I being lifted up, “Alright. Now when I tell you to push I need you to take a deep breath and do so. I’ll count from 1 to 10 when I reach ten you can release the breath, ok?�

I shook my head nervously as I reached for my mother’s hand.

Oh my god I’m having a baby.

“Ready?� I heard the doctor ask.

I shook my head.

“And go.�

I took a deep breath and held it.

“…and 10. Alright you can let it go.�

I let the breath go and let my head fall back onto the pillow. I could feel the sweat beads forming on my head.

“You’re doing so great sweetheart. So great.� She said against my forehead as she placed a kiss on it.

I smiled with my eyes closed acknowledging what my mother was saying.

“Alright on 1 take a deep breath.�

I lifted up a little bit to get myself into position to push, “And 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10. Alright let it go.�

I fell back onto the pillow, “I’ve got the head. One more round and this little guy should be out alright?�

Sweat was falling down my face like tears. Why was it so unearthly hot in this room? Was I officially going to hell like everyone said I was? Because it sure felt like it.

“One more time. Like before take the breath on one.� The doctor said again.

I pulled myself into position again and on one took a deep breath, “And 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10.� On ten I heard my son’s cries for the first time and tears began to fall out of my eyes.

“Congratulations Mommy and Grandmommy you have a healthy baby boy here.� The doctor said as the nurse placed a blanket on my chest and the doctor placed my son on top of it after the cord was cut.

“Hey.� I said as I ran my hand over his little nose. He was just a squealing away but when he heard my voice he stopped, and reached his little hand up. I immediately placed my finger into his little palm.

“You know who I am don’t ya?� I said crying even more tears. I didn’t even know I could cry anymore tears, but I guess it was possible.

“Keeley, we need to take him and get him cleaned alright. They’re going to run you back to your room, and as soon as he checked out we’ll bring by your room.�

I smiled through my tears and placed a kiss on his tiny, bloody head. “Bye baby.� I said as I handed him over to the nurse.

The moment that he was placed on my chest I knew my world was changed for the better.

November 1998



“Oh honey! I’m so glad you’re home!� Lynn squealed as she and Justin walked into their house.

“I am too, mom. I can’t wait to see everyone.� Justin said as he sat his bags down in the foyer. He really didn’t want to worry about lugging all four of his bags and his suitcase up the stairs at the moment. Looking at them, and then at his bags, it seemed unconquerable.

“I’m so glad that you got to be here for thanksgiving. It just wouldn’t be the same.� Lynn said as she rubbed her son’s cheek. She kissed his cheek, and wiped the lipstick off that she left.

“Are Keeley and Bev coming?�

He could see the change in his mom’s attitude, “I…I don’t think so honey.�

“What? Why? That’s always been our tradition.�

“I know.� Lynn said as she motioned for Justin to follow her into the kitchen.

“Then why aren’t they coming?�

“Beverley is going to spend it with Keeley.�

“And they can’t do it here because?�

“Honey, has anyone not told you? Surely you’ve talked to Trace?�

“Yeah I’ve talked to him. And no he hasn’t told me anything about Keeley.�

“She moved to Georgia. She’s going to college there. She moved not very long after graduation.�

“Georgia?�

“Georgia.�

“Why Georgia?�

“Because…� Lynn bit her lip, “I guess that’s where she wanted to go?�

“Are there not any colleges in Tennessee?� Justin asked raising his voice just a little as he sat leaned against the counter and watches his mother look through the fridge.

What she was looking for she didn’t know, but she was looking for something. Of that she was certain.

Lynn grabbed her and Justin a bottle of water, and closed the door behind her. She tossed Justin a bottle, and opened hers up.

“I’m sure she wanted to get out of Tennessee. See what’s out there other than being stuck in Shelby Forest all her life.�

“I gave her that opportunity. I wanted her to come with me.�

“Justin, you know as well as I do how headstrong that girl is. She’s not one to just throw all her dreams to the side to follow her boyfriend around the country.�

“That’s not what I was asking her to do, mom. I just wanted her to come with me.�

“And you also know as well as I do that once it got time for her to leave you would have asked her stay a little while longer. Am I correct?�

Justin looked away, “Can you blame me?�

“No, I can’t. She’s amazing, and I know you love her. But she has her own dreams too.�

“I know, mom.�

“I know you know honey. You just have to accept it. “



Present


Three months.

Three amazing months that have gone by so quick and I’m so much in love.

I’ve always loved that man, but if it’s possible I’m just even more in love with him than I was before.

There’s only one problem though.

I still haven’t told him about Kaden.

Shocking, huh?

What you’re not shocked?

I guess you have reason not to be considering my track record.

But can you blame me?

I mean what would you do in my situation?

I’m so in love with him, and now more than ever I am so sure that he is the one that I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life.

But with this secret lingering over my head it’s making me feel like I’m being pulled in two directions.

I mean my heart has already had to endure losing him once. I really don’t want to go through that again.

But I also know that if I don’t tell him I could lose him and my son forever.

I realize that I have been so selfish in keeping my decision, which is why I have decided to spill it.

I can risk losing Justin again.

But my son? That’s someone that I refuse to lose.

This is why I have made him my first victim.

“I haven’t had Mexican food in so long.� Kaden said shoving a chip with salsa into his mouth.

“I know.� I said smiling at him. He drove us here to the restaurant. In HIS car. Yep, I finally came through on my birthday present for him. He picked out a black hardtop Jeep Wrangler. He loves it, and it fits him. It’s also a safe vehicle, which is what I wanted for him in the first place. I would have bought him a damn Hummer if I knew he would be safe.

“So what did you want to talk to me about?�

“It’s kind of important.� I said taking a drink of Dr. Pepper.

“Uh-oh, the last time that happened we moved. We’re not moving again are we?�

I smiled, “We’re not, honey.�

“Good because I like it here. Wait, you’re getting married aren’t you?�

I laughed, “No, not yet.�

“Oh, well what is it then?�

“It’s about you.�

“About me? What about me?�

I paused and looked around. There really was no easy way to say it was there?

“It’s something that I’ve never told you.�

“Ok, I’m listening.�

“And if you’re mad at me I totally understand. But I couldn’t keep it from you any longer. And I want you to know that I had my own reasons for doing what I did. As selfish as they maybe, but I was young.�

“Ok, mom. I understand. Just tell me.�

“Your father…�

He grabbed my hand, “Mom, you don’t have to.�

“Yes, I do honey. I really, really do.�

“Mom, you’re all I need. I don’t need anyone else.�

As emotional as I am right now…he had to go and say that? The tears immediately came to my eyes.

“That’s something that you definitely get from your father.� I said wiping at the corner of my eyes as I smiled at him.

“What? Making you cry?�

I smiled sympathetically. It’s true I was still crying over him well on into Kaden’s age. I cried when he took his first steps both for me and him. I cried with his first word. I knew he wouldn’t be able to say Dad to anyone, and Justin wouldn’t be there to hear it. And I had no one to argue with on whether or not he said ‘Mama’ or ‘Dada’.

Oh, and his first day of school. I couldn’t even go to class I was so distraught.

“That and always knowing exactly what to say.� I said as I rubbed his knuckles.

“What’s with the sudden talk about my dad?�

“Because he’s come back into our lives.�

“What?�

“Honey, there really is no easy way to say this.� I said smiling through my tears, “I’m sorry I spoiled our dinner.�

He smiled back at me, “its fine. I don’t care about the dinner. This is obviously bothering you. So, just go ahead and say it. I promise everything with me and you will be fine.�

“I think it’s time that I told you who your father is.�

“I always thought you didn’t know.�

I shook my head no. That’s one thing that I never said to him, but I never told him who his father was either. “No, I knew. Up until I had you I had only been with one person and that was your father.�

Kaden shook his back and forth slowly. As if he slightly comprehended what I was saying. Or at least trying to say.

“I was seventeen when I learned that I was pregnant with you. Your father didn’t even know I was pregnant nor did I. At least not until after he left and we had already broken up.�

Kaden continued to rub the top of my hand reassuringly.

“What I’m trying to say is…Justin’s your father.�

He shook his head as if accepting what I was saying. “I suspected it.�

I wiped the tears from my eyes, “You did?�

“Yeah mom. I mean I look like the guy. The only thing that would throw anyone off is my hair. And my musical ability? I mean I know I didn’t get from you.�

I laughed as I wiped more tears, “Thanks.� I looked deep into his eyes. The eyes that mirrored his fathers almost exactly. “You know I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to raise a wonderful son. You are truly the greatest thing that I ever did. I want you to know that I never regretted anything. I never wanted to go back and change anything. Well except not telling Justin. It would have made things a lot easier right now. But I have come to accept that nothing in my life is easy. And it never will be.�

“Mom, you had your own reasons for not telling anyone. I understand that. Yes, I’m sad because I’ve lost so many years without my father. But I have so many more ahead of me to make up for lost time.�

“I was so afraid of that. And you were the easy one. It’s Justin that I’m worried about. He’s going to be mad that I kept him from you for all these years.�

“You know he could have easily came and found you just as easily as you could have come back.�

“I know.� I said smiling at him. Our attention was diverted from each other as the smell of our food was brought to our table. “Well, enough of all this. Let’s eat.� I said as I grabbed my fork and smiled at my son.

He grabbed his fork but paused before digging into his food, “I love you, mom.�

I smiled, “I love you more.� I said as I placed some food in my mouth.

Well the easy part was over.

Now on to the hard part



I rang the doorbell to Justin’s house. “Coming!� I heard Justin yell. Then I heard the sound of his feet shuffling and the clicking of the door unlocking.

“Hey baby. I thought you and Kaden were hanging out tonight?� He said pulling me into a hug.

I hugged him back. He tried to pull away, but I pulled him into a kiss.

I kissed him like I was never going to kiss him again.

Because after I dropped this bomb…I might not.

I had to remember this. His smell, how felt in my arms. The way he drove me crazy with everything that he did. I had to make the most of this while I still could.

“Mmm…wow. What was that for? Dare I ask?� Justin said smiling down at me.

Finally pulling myself away, I smiled, “I just missed you.�

“Well in that case, we should spend time apart more often. I missed you too.� He said smiling as he looked out the door before he shut it, “Where’s Kaden?�

I smiled, “He’s probably out doing…whatever guys do that I, as his mother, don’t need to know about.�

“I thought you guys were hanging out tonight?�

“We did. We went and had dinner, and I asked him to drop me off here.�

“Ah, so he drove huh?�

“Yeah, he’s a pretty good driver.�

“Well let’s take this party in the living room.� Justin said as he grabbed my hand and led me into the living room.

I sat down on the couch and I decided that I couldn’t put it off any longer.

The longer I pushed it out of mind, the more I lost my will to say anything.

“I need to talk to you.� I blurted out.

“Um, ok. Talk to me.�

“It’s important.�

“Ok. What is it?�

“Before I tell you I want you know something. I love you, and I’ve never stopped. The choices that I made after you and I broke up were choices that I made when I was a heartbroken teenager with an impending birth looming over my head. Though they may have been wrong and selfish, they were what I thought was best for everyone at the time. Including you.�

“Me?�

“Yes.�

“How did I benefit from it?�

“You are what you are right now because of it.�

He shook his head confused, “I don’t understand. What are you trying to tell me?�

Tears began to form in my eyes, “Do you remember that night before you left? Before we broke up?�

“Yeah. I’ve never forgot it.�

“Something happened that night. We made…�

“Love. We made love. I remember.�

“Other than that.� I said nervously.

He laughed nervously, “I don’t seem to remember us making anything else.�

I rolled my eyes frustrated at everything, “Justin this isn’t easy for me.�

“I can see that. But whatever you’re trying to tell me is confusing me in the process.�

I stood and began to pace in front of the coffee table. I put my hand up to my head. “Yes we made love. But do you remember anything else?�

“Umm…we had dinner…� I cut him off.

“No, no, in the car.�

He shifted nervously, “Well we made out…a lot. It got a little out of hand, but it always did. We were about to…but I didn’t have…� He stopped.

“Didn’t have what?�

He said in a low tone, “I didn’t have any condoms.�

He looked up at me. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what was to come.

He finally figured it out.

I bit my bottom lip, “We made a baby that night.�

He closed his eyes. He kept them closed for a few minutes, and he finally opened them. “But how? We only…once.�

“No twice. Both times with no protection.�

Quiet.

He remained that way…for a while.

And for once I found myself wishing that he would yell at me. Something.

He rubbed his hands over his head, and looked up at me, “So…that was sixteen years ago.�

Tears began fall down my face, and I shook my head yes.

“Kaden’s sixteen.�

“He’s your son.� I said low.

“I want to hear you say it.�

I looked back up at him in his eyes, “He’s your son.� I said again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?�

“I never had a chance.� I said through sobs.

“Never had a chance? Are you serious? You mean to tell me you were never around a phone for nine months?�

I know I was wrong. I am able to admit that.

But one thing I am not is completely over what he did to me.

When you promise to call someone, and keep whatever’s left of the friendship that you had, don’t you think it would kind of be your duty to call?

“Me? I wasn’t the one that broke it off and promised to call and never did Justin.�

“No. No. Do not try and turn this on me.�

“How can I not? You broke my heart! When you got on that plane half of me got on there with you! And that’s a half that I never got back.�

“You were pregnant! With MY child. You didn’t think that I had the right to know that?�

“Of course I thought you did. You don’t know how many times that I picked up that phone to call your mother and get your number. Each time I got further and further and further. But I always stopped. I was scared! I was scared that you would come back.�

“You didn’t want me to raise our child with you?� He said giving me a crazy look.

“No. Not that. I was scared that you would do the noble thing that I knew you would do. Then come back, raise our child together, but grow to resent me in the process.�

“Resent you?�

“Justin being Justin Timberlake has been your dream since you was a kid. When I got pregnant you were just beginning to make a name for yourself and by that time you had more than just your career to worry about. You had four other careers to think about. Four other people that I had grown to care very deeply about over the time that I had with them, and I couldn’t be the blame for demise of Nsync.�

“That still gives you no right to keep my child from me. I decide what’s best for me.� He said in a bitter tone.

“And I decide what’s best for me. I had more than myself to think about.� I said equally as bitter.

“Oh and you thought keeping Kaden from a father figure in his life was the best way?�

“You know what; I’ve told you why I did what I did. I’m sorry if it wasn’t up to your standards. But everyday of my life I wish I could go back and undo what I did. If I could go back I would tell you everything. But I don’t have to stand here and justify myself to you.� I said in a bitter tone.

“Yes you do. The least you could do is give me an explanation.�

“And I have!� I yelled, “And no I don’t HAVE to. I’m not the one who walked out!�

“I did not walk out.�

“Yes you did! When you got on that plane I never heard from you again. Not even to say hi and that I’m still alive. I’d call that walking out.� I said crossing my arms across my chest.

“You never called me either!�

“I wasn’t the one who broke it off and promised to keep whatever friendship we had left intact now was I?�

“And that justifies you never calling me?�

“Well what excuse do you have for never calling me? Huh? NOTHING! NOT A DAMN THING! Because nothing compares to the pain that you gave me. Not even childbirth! And don’t give me that bullshit about you being busy! Because I know you called Trace! But you couldn’t call me? The woman that you claimed to love? Imagine, JUST IMAGINE, how that made me feel?� I yelled. I could barely see through my tears.

“Imagine just finding out after sixteen years that you have a son! Imagine how that feels!�

“I’m through!� I said throwing my hands up in defeat. “I didn’t have to tell you any of this. Not one damn thing. I regret never telling you, I do. But I knew to move forward with you, I had to be honest with you. So do with this newfound knowledge what you will. My part is done.� I said as I walked to the door.


My hand was on the knob when I heard him call out to me. “Keeley?�

“What?� I called back never turning to look at him.

“We’re over.�

And for the first time after all that. It felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I bit my lip.

He didn’t need a comment from me. What good what it have done anyway?

I turned the knob and stepped out into the darkness.

But here I was.

On his doorstep.

No car. And his house wasn’t within walking distance of mine. He has his own house separate from his mothers.

Through my tears I managed to go through my purse and find my cell phone. I flipped it open, and called the only person that I knew to call.

Chapter Thirteen



I don’t where we were going.

All I know it was anywhere but my house until I got myself together.

The ride was silent except for the crying that I was doing.

It wasn’t until we were on the outskirts of Millington that Trace finally asked questions.

“Do you want to talk about it?�

I sniffled, “About what?�

“Well for starters why I picked you up in front of Justin’s house bawling your eyes out.�

“I took your advice.�

“My advice? Wait, you mean you told him about Kaden?�

Tears were bound to fall from eyes once more, and I didn’t trust my voice at the moment. So all I did was shake my head yes.

“I take it didn’t go very well.�

“Nope. He told me we’re through.�

Trace reached over and grabbed my left hand as he continued to drive, “I’m sorry, Keel.�

“Do you want to know the weird thing? I’m glad I did it. I didn’t tell him for me or for him, I did it for Kaden. And I would do it again if I had too. But it hurts.� I said my voice breaking, “My god does it hurt.�

“Just give him some time to cool off and let this all register.�

“I know it’s a lot to process. But he said some pretty hurtful things in there.�

“He was just mad, Keel. He probably didn’t mean half of what he said.�

“I just want to forget about this whole thing.� I said as I crossed my arms over my chest and slid down in the passenger seat. “Thank you for coming to get me.�

“Not a problem.�

“Thank you for not taking me home right away. I just need to get myself together before I walk in there. I don’t want how I feel to jeopardize Kaden having a relationship with Justin. It’ll just give Justin more ammo to be pissed at me.�

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Trace spoke up. “You know I don’t know if I ever told you but you are a good mother. You did what you thought was best for you and your son and eventually Justin will see that, Keel. I know him.�

I just sat there. Honestly I don’t know if we’ll ever get past this. But you know it’s like I said before I would do it again.

All these years my reasons for doing what I did were somewhat selfish.

But my choices are just that. My choices.

At least now everything is out in the open.

The ball’s in his court now.



I have a son.

Not just a son, but a SIXTEEN year old son.

For sixteen years I never knew that I had one.

I was drawn from my thoughts when I heard my doorbell ring.

Now I don’t know if I should answer it.

The last time that I answered it I got major life changing news.

“Hold on.� I called as I walked to the door.

I looked through the peephole and saw Trace standing on my doorstep.

“Hey.� I said as I opened the door.

“Hey. How are you?�

“Uh, I’m not so sure right now.� I said rubbing the back of my head as I closed the door after he walked in.

“I’m glad she finally told you.� Trace said placing a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

He knew?

He knew that I had a son, and never bothered to tell me?

“You knew?�

“About Kaden, yeah I did.�

“How did you find out?�

“I would have never found out if I hadn’t of surprised her one weekend. She didn’t know I was coming to see her, and she opened the door, and there she was. Stomach and all.�

“And you never thought to tell me?�

How can he do that to me? I feel so betrayed.

“I’ve told her ever since I found out that she needed to tell you before it all got out of control. And when I left she told me she was going to call you.�

“Well obviously you knew she never did why didn’t you tell me?�

He could tell that I was getting pissed.

Like I don’t have a right?

Both of my best friends have been keeping something from me for so long.

“It wasn’t my place to tell you anything, Justin. And in case you forgot I’m her friend too.� He said raising his voice.

“How can you keep something like that from me?�

“She asked me too. I would have done the same if that had been you. And again I didn’t feel it was my place to say anything. That’s her business, and her decision.�

“So you condone keeping a son from his father? A father that WOULD have been there had he known? Do you know WHAT exactly you have deprived me of?�

“For the third time it wasn’t my place to say anything! And yes I know what you were missing out on. And no I don’t condone it! Every time I talked to her I always asked her to tell you until I was blue in the face. And she had her own reasons for doing what she did.�

“Her reasons aren’t good enough for keeping me away from my son.�

“She didn’t keep you from your son, Justin! You could have just as easily picked up the damn phone, or gone to see her, as easily as she could have. You don’t know how she felt after everything between you guys went down Justin. I was there. So imagine, being a teenager, having your heart shattered into a million pieces, and when you’re finally thinking you can move on, find out your pregnant?�

I shook my head. No, I refused to take pity on her. As much as I love her, I can’t get past this. Those are sixteen years that I can’t get back with my son.

“And incase you forgot telling someone that you’re pregnant with his child isn’t the kind of news that you want to give over the phone. And also you weren’t the easiest person to get a hold of in those days. Yes, I still believe that she should have told you before it blew up in her face like it just did, but you don’t know what she went through. And neither do I.�

“It hurts, Trace. You know how I was when I was without her. I’ve always known that she was my one. Always. And you know if she would have told me I would have given everything up, like that.� I said as I snapped my fingers.

And I would have. I loved her that much, and I hated not being with her. That would have been the information that could have changed my life.

And probably for the better.

If she would have told me those sixteen years ago, it would have been really easy to give up on everything because I had nothing to miss at that point. But who’s to say that I couldn’t have been there for my son, plus pursue my dreams?

She sure did.

But looking back on that now I know it would have been near impossible. I barely made it home for Christmas and Thanksgiving some years. I can only imagine the hell I would have caught for wanting to be there to see his first birthday party. I mean at that point in our careers me and the guys had to fight for a few days off if we were sick. So getting off to see a son’s first birthday was damn near impossible.

“You know as well as I do that her pride is her biggest down fall. She has too much of it. As much as she may have wanted you to do that, she would have never asked you. She knew how bad you wanted to be somebody, and how good you were at it. I know. But your being without her...that was completely your fault. You were the one that broke it off with her.�

“I know. And I’ve been sitting here thinking ‘What if she would have told me?’ And seriously what if she would have told me? Do you know how much different my life would be right now? I would be married to the woman of my dreams. I would have an amazing son, and probably more kids than just Kaden.� I said as I sat down on my couch. “God, Trace. I would probably have a…an office job.�

Trace laughed, “That’s a scary thought isn’t it?�

“The job part yeah, but everything else? It’s what I’ve wanted my whole life. The perfect family.�

“Haven’t you realized by now that no family is perfect? All families have problems, and you still have a chance at that family with Keeley.�

He’s right. I still have a chance at my family.

But I’m still hurting right now. We both are.

And I have a relationship to build with my son.

Right now that’s the only thing that I’m concerned about.

I sat across from my son and watched him play with the napkin on the table for the hundredth time. He had the same nervous tendencies as I did.

I still can’t believe that I have a son.

I know this no easier for him as it is for me. I liked it a lot better when we had something to talk about.

But right now there’s so much left unsaid and unasked between us that we don’t know where to start.

I cleared my throat and folded my arms across the table, “Uh, your mom told me that you liked Chinese food. Do you want to go ahead and go get some?� I said motioning over to the buffet.

He looked up at me, and it was almost like looking in the mirror. I never realized until to now how much that he looked like me. “Sure.� He said as he got up out of his booth.

Ok something has got to give. I watched him walk to the buffet and grab a plate.

Someone has got say something. I don’t care if he’s calling me a stupid asshole that walked out on his mother. At least he’ll be saying something and telling me how he really feels.

That’s all I want.

I blew out a long sigh and walked to the buffet.

With the way my stomach was jumping through loops, I didn’t know if I could actually eat anything.

I walked back to our booth and sat my food down at the table. I guess I’ll be the one to break the ice.

“Ok, I know this is no easier for you than it is for me. But anything that you want to say to me please feel free to say it. I would really, really like to have a relationship with you.�

I saw him push his noodles around on his plate with his fork. Then he looked up at me, “So would I.� He said as he smiled.

That he got from his mother. She had a smile that lit up her whole face and went straight to her eyes.

Once I knew that he wanted a relationship too it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders, “I’m glad. I was hoping I wasn’t pulling you here against your will.�

“So what do you want to know?� He asked as he placed his fork into his mouth.

I liked where this was headed.



11:00.

What the hell could they have been doing for six hours?

I looked out the blinds for the, I don’t know, six hundredth time?

“Would you sit down?�

I jumped when I heard my mother’s voice come up behind me suddenly.

“You’re going to break my blinds with how many times you’ve looked out of them.�

I sighed and ran a hand across my hair.

“I’m sorry, mom. I’m just anxious to know how everything is going.�

She patted the seat next to her and I sat down, “I’m sure everything is going fine, sweetheart.�

“This is all Kaden has wanted since he found out about fathers. I just hope it’s what he thought it would be.� I said looking back over at the window.

“So are you feeling any better? You know about the whole break up?�

“Honestly, it makes me sick every time I think about it. But I’m glad I did it. If I had it to do all over again I would. I couldn’t continue to do that to Kaden. He’s the only reason that I did anything. It wasn’t because I had to get it off my chest, or because I felt it was the right time to tell Justin, but because I knew I couldn’t keep it from Kaden any longer. He deserved to know.�

“I’m proud of you.�

“Why mom? I deprived my son of his father and the man that I love of his son. That’s nothing to be proud of.�

“Honey you did the best with what you could. You got one amazing son out of it all. He couldn’t have been raised any better if he would have had both of you guys. That’s something to be proud of. That, and the fact that you put your feelings aside to tell Kaden who his father is. Most women wouldn’t have done that. You could have easily kept your mouth shut.�

“It’s not very admirable.� I said as I sunk lower into the couch.

“Keeley, I’ve taught you to never live in the past. You can’t change what you did, and neither can he. You can’t live in regret. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to Kaden. You live with your mistakes and you push forward. Justin will come around eventually.� She said as she patted my hand.

I rolled my eyes. I am so in love with that man, I can’t even think straight.

I’m serious. No man will ever to do to me what he does. He’s…my drug.

I’ve never been able to get enough of him.

I wish I knew how to fix me and him. But I know he’ll never be able to get passed what I did.

And that is enough to make me sick.

“He’s it for me, mom. I know it.� I said as a few tears slid down my face. “What we had when we were teenagers was serious. I’ve tried; god knows I have tried to find something, someone that compares to that feeling. And I can’t. And we were just teenager’s mom. Teenagers!�

She gave me a sympathetic look as I cried into a pillow. I leaned over and laid my head in my mother’s lap. “It hurts mom. It hurts so much.� I said in between sobs as she rubbed my head soothingly.

“I know, honey. I know.�

I know she knows.

I’m turning into my mother.

Which I’ve come to realize isn’t such a bad thing. She’s the best anyone could ever ask for.

Especially right now. She’s exactly what I need.

“But honey he’s hurting right now. He’s got a lot to process. He had just gotten you back, and then finds out that he’s had a son for sixteen years that he didn’t even know about. That’s hard for any man to retain.�

I cried into my mother’s lap for what seemed like hours. Until I had no more tears to cry. I sat up suddenly when I saw headlights come across our wall.

“Do I look ok?�

“You look like you’ve been crying if that’s what you’re asking me.�

“Shit. I don’t want Kaden to see me like this, mom.�

“Honey, its fine. It wouldn’t be the first time.� She said as she watched me run frantically over to the mirror in the hallway. I ran my hands over my face, getting rid of the residue left from tears.

I bit my lip as I looked at myself. This was as good as it was going to get.

I heard talking as the door opened.

Kaden came into my view, “Hi.�

I smiled at him. God I hoped everything went ok. “Hi. How’d it go?�

He smiled even bigger, “It went good. Really, really, good.�

I smiled. God, I was so hoping it would. I brought him into a hug, “I’m glad honey.� I said rubbing his back. We pulled away, and I heard the door close.

Naturally my head turned toward the noise, and came face to face with Justin.

“I, uh, I wanted to come in and apologize for keeping Kaden so late.� He said shoving his hands in his pockets.

I smiled, “Its fine. I knew he was in good hands.� I said rubbing Kaden’s arm. I looked between Justin and Kaden, and knew that I should give them time alone to say goodbye. “Well now that you’re home. I think I’ll go on upstairs. Come by to say goodnight.� I said as I stood up on my tip toes to kiss him on the cheek.

I began to go up the stairs, and I heard whispers between Justin and Kaden. And I heard Justin finally speak up once I reached the top stair leading up to the second stair case.

“Keel?�

I leaned over the banister, and looked down at him, “Yeah?�

“Good night.�

He hasn’t talked to me in that long and all he has to say is good night?

Well at least it’s a start.

I forced a smile, “Good night.�



“Kaden are you home?� I called out as I stepped in the door. I slipped off my heels and I could practically hear my feet sighing in relief.

I contorted my face into a confused look when I didn’t hear him reply, “Kaden?� I called up the stairs.

“He’s studying at a friend’s house.� I heard a voice come from behind me making me jump.

I turned and saw Justin facing me. I placed a hand over my heart as if to try and calm it. “God, you scared me. How’d you get in here?�

“I came over after he got out of school to see if he wanted to hang out. He obviously had a test to study for and he asked me to wait here for you and tell you.�

“He couldn’t have left a note?�

I shrugged, “I guess not.�

I bit my bottom lip and motioned toward the kitchen, “Well while you’re here would you like something to drink?�

He shoved his hands in his pockets, “Sure.�

I led the way into the kitchen letting my hair down out of the clip. It really did feel good to be home. I had a pretty long day trying to explain Shakespeare to a bunch of sophomores who would have rather been doing anything else other than reading Macbeth.

I stopped in front of the fridge and opened it. I looked over the drinking contents and frowned. Not much of a selection, “We’ve got tea, water, water, and more water.�

I heard him chuckle. “Water’s fine.�

I grabbed two bottles of water and pushed the door closed with my foot.

I tossed him a bottle, and untwisted the cap on my own bottle.

“How’ve you been?� Justin asked as he took a drink of his water.

“I’ve been good. I’ve been tired mostly but other than that really good.�

What did he want me to say?

That I was miserable without him?

Because honestly, I am miserable without him.

But I’m not about to willingly release that information.

He smiled, “That’s good. I’m glad to hear it.�

I smiled back as I took a drink of my water.

I placed the bottle back down on the counter as we entered into a dreadfully uncomfortable silence.

“I hate this.� He said finally, “I hate what we’ve become Keel.�

I looked down at my hands that were resting on the counter.

“I miss my friend. I want her back.�

“I thought you didn’t want to be around me?�

“Keel we have a son together. There’s no way that I can’t be around you. And what gave you that idea in the first place?�

“Ever since I told you about Kaden the only thing that you’ve said to me over that span of time is ‘Good Night.’ I just assumed…�

“I didn’t know what to say to you. You dropped a pretty big bomb on me. I was hurting, and honestly I was pissed at you. I’m glad that I didn’t say anything because I might have regretted what was to come out of my mouth.�

“Justin I don’t know how many times that I have to say it. I’m sorry. Everyday for the past sixteen years I’ve regretted what I did to you, and to Kaden. But with each day that passed the harder it was for me to pick up the phone and call you.�

“That’s not exactly news that you would want to drop over the phone though. And I’m glad that you chose not to do it that way. But you want to know what hurts the most?�

I remained silent to show that I wanted to know.

“Ever since that day that I left you in the airport I have always wondered what it might have been like if I had chose to stay. And I always tried to figure out what could have made me stay. And if I would have known that you were pregnant I would have stayed and made a life with you and never thought twice about it.�

“Justin you say that, but is it really true? Would you have honestly stayed had I asked you to? You’re second guessing now the path that you chose to follow. If you had chose a different one with me who’s to say that you wouldn’t be second guessing that life? Especially once you saw the success that Nsync had. That’s the last thing that I wanted. I knew how much you wanted that, and I refused to be the reason that you gave that up for.�

“But as much as I wanted that success I wanted you just as much.� He said as he grabbed my hand, “You were it for me. I think even then I knew that. No other girl has ever made me feel the way you do. I’ve tried, god knows I have, to find something or someone to compare to the way that you made me feel. And let me tell you…performing in front of millions of people comes close, so damn close. But it still ranks second to what you do to me.�

Uh…wow.

I tried my best to gather my voice. I swallowed hard and bit my lip, “Ho-how do we get past this Justin? I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. But I don’t want to lose you.� I said as a tear slipped down my cheek.

“I don’t want to lose you either. I found you again, and not even an atom bomb-like the one you dropped-can keep me away.�

I looked up with hopeful eyes. Was he serious?

“You forgive me?�

“There are years that I will never get back with my son because of withheld information. But who’s to say that if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have done the same thing. It took me a while to realize that I didn’t know what you went through after I left, and I never would. You had your reasons for doing what you did, and I realize all this now. It took me a while, but I do. So yes I do forgive you.� He said with a smile as he rounded the counter, and gathered me into a hug.

We stood there for a while in each others arms before he lifted me off the ground so we were forehead to forehead. I placed a small kiss on his lips.

“God, I’ve missed you.� He whispered as he closed his eyes.

“Me too.� I said smiling as I placed a longer kiss on his lips. I could never get enough of these lips. They’ll be the death of me one of these days I tell ya.

I pulled away from the kiss.

“Mmm…what did you do that for?� Justin said licking his lips, “I was enjoying that.�

He placed me back on the ground.

“I just remembered. Now I know this is no where near as great as the real thing, but I have archives upon archives of Kaden from birth until now. Pictures, videos, you name it I got it. Would you like to see them? So you can get a small taste of what he was like when he was little?�

I saw his eyes light up, “I would love that.�

I grabbed his hand and led him toward the stairs, “Come on.�




“It was rough let me tell you.� I said rolling my eyes. I smiled as I watched Justin laugh.

He were now on the second year of Kaden’s life. I had all the albums arranged by age.

The picture in question was of me and Kaden. He was hamming it up for the camera holding his diaper in his hand as I was trying to get him to go pee-pee in the Big Boy potty. He was completely naked.

“You have ammo to embarrass him with all his girlfriends.�

I smiled, “I do, but I wouldn’t do that.� I said as I watched him flip the page.

He smiled looking over all the pictures before he looked up at me, “How did you come up with his name?�

“Well, uh, I’m sure that you know by now that Trace has known all along?�

“Yeah.�

“He had no idea until he showed up at my apartment one weekend wanting to surprise me. When in return I surprised him with my ever growing stomach. Anyway, he stayed for at least two weeks. He helped me out with things that I had to get done before Kaden came. He helped me pick out things for the nursery. He helped me paint it also since I couldn’t be around the fumes. He put the furniture together.� I chuckled to myself, and leaned back against my bed remembering those weeks that Trace was there, “God, looking back on it, if he hadn’t have came when he did I wouldn’t have had anything prepared for when Kaden arrived. I couldn’t have done it all myself.� I said pulling my legs up closer to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs, and continued.

“I think he did everything he could while he was there for you. So even though you didn’t have a clue at least he would have the reassurance that you somehow had a hand with Kaden even if you really didn’t. Anyway, we were hanging around the house one night watching movies and stuff. He knew I didn’t have a name picked out and a few days before we went to the book store and bought every baby name book we could find. We were going through all those and he picked out Christopher. I really liked it, and Chris was the one out of all the guys that I really connected with when I met them all. Then I saw Kaden, and I fell in love with that one. That became his middle name. And the rest is history.� I said smiling.

“That’s cool. So in a way he’s named after Chris?�

“Yep. At least that’s how I’ve always looked at it. I wanted to include you somehow in the name, but without it being so obvious.�

“I’m glad you thought of me.�

“I thought of you everyday. When he took his first steps I cried and thought of you. When he said his first words I cried because I had no one to argue with over whether or not he said Dada or Mama. All his firsts were hard.�

Justin smiled as he grabbed a picture off the floor and looked at it. He looked back up at me and placed the picture back on the floor, “You know you have a birthday coming up.�

I rolled my eyes, “Ugh, don’t remind me.�

“You always loved your birthdays.� He said nudging me with his elbow.

“Yeah, then I hit 30 and I stopped liking them.�

“I’m almost a complete year older than you. We’re not old.�

“We’re not old, yes, but we’re definitely not getting any younger.� I said sliding closer to Justin. He wrapped an arm around me, and kissed the top of my head.

For the first time in…well years…things finally felt right.

I no longer had this impending guilt hanging over my head. And for once I felt as if I could give him my all, holding nothing back.

“What do you want for your birthday?� He asked looking at more pictures as my head rested in his lap.

“My birthday isn’t for another three months.�

“It’s never to early to plan ahead.� He said smiling down at me.

“I don’t know. Surprise me.� I said smiling.

“You really want me to surprise you? You do know what you’re getting yourself into right?�

I rolled my eyes, “I really don’t care what you get me. I’ve got all I want. I don’t need anything else.�

“There’s got to be at least one thing. Jewelry, clothes, money, car, house, the list can go on forever.�

“I’m perfectly capable of getting all those things myself.� I said poking him in the stomach.

“You’re not helping me here.�

“Have you ever given me something that I didn’t like?� I asked

“No.�

“Alright, then I think that shows you that you’re in no need of my help on this matter.�

“I have my ways of finding out what you want.�

I raised myself up and sat in his lap straddling him. I leaned in close to his ear and whispered, “You always have.�

I heard him take in a sharp breath, “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.�

“I think I do.� I said as I started to kiss down his neck.

I giggled lightly as he grabbed a hold of me as he flipped me over on my back on the floor.

“Do you have any idea how much you drive me crazy?�

“Probably not as much as you drive me crazy.� I said running my fingers through the curls at the back of his neck.

He groaned as his lips crashed onto mine.

Yep, if you ask me things are taking a turn in the right direction.

Three Months Later


It’s amazing how much things can change in the span of a couple months. Kaden and I are finally out of my mom’s house and are now moved COMPLETELY into a house of our own. It’s a simple three bedroom house with a two car garage. The house also comes fully equipped with an upstairs, and an attic. The master bedroom is downstairs. It sits on like 5 acres of land that makes for a beautiful view outside my kitchen window. Ever since I lived in that dreadful apartment this is the kind of house that I’ve wanted. I wanted to keep the decorating on the inside simple, just the way the house is. The most over extravagant thing in the house that we have is a beautiful brand new dining room set, new stainless steel refrigerator, stove, living room set, and TV. Yeah, ok, that’s a lot. But it’s still pretty basic. Just the way I like things. The cool thing is it’s like…a block away from my mom.

I know, I know, but I couldn’t resist. I love my mom, and I like her being close.

Oh, and things with Justin are GREAT! Honestly, it’s hard to believe how great things are. When I think back on these past few months I can see the three of us slowly becoming a family. Of course it’s not your everyday Cleaver family, but it’s our own family. It’s just as functional and dysfunctional as anyone else’s.

What’s hard to believe is- knock on wood – that Justin and I haven’t had a fight yet. Well, ok, we’ve had a few little, minor arguments. But that’s all.

I groaned as I popped an arm out the covers to reach for my annoying cell phone that was ringing away on my nightstand.

I squinted my eyes to see who was calling and then looked over at the clock and saw that it was 4:30 in the morning.

I groaned…well more like growled…as I flipped open my phone and mumbled out a greeting, “This better be good.�

“Happy Birthday Baby!� I heard the voice of my boyfriend call out…oddly chipper for this hour of the day.

I rolled my eyes and let my head fall back into the pillow, and covered my head back up with my covers, “You called to tell me this at four thirty in the morning?� I said into my phone.

“Yes I told you last night that I would call you the first time I woke up.�

“At four thirty, wait; no make that four thirty one in the morning?� I mumbled as I closed my eyes again and nestled further down in my pillow.

“Yes, and guess where I am?�

“I would like to think at home in your bed where every other sane person would be on a Saturday, but for some reason I have a feeling you aren’t.� I said pushing the covers off my head and settled for being covered up just to my shoulders.

“You would be correct. I am standing outside your bedroom door with a box of doughnuts and a cup of your favorite coffee from Starbucks.�

My ears immediately perk up at the mention of Starbucks.

“Really?�

“Yes, open your door and find out.� He said as he chuckled.

“Why didn’t you just come on in?� I asked groggily as I smiled and threw the covers off the rest of my body and sat up. The cold air hit my legs as I swung them to the side of my bed. It was the beginning of February and it was still pretty cold here in Tennessee. I probably didn’t have the best choice of PJ’s for the middle of February, but I am a very hot natured person. I was only wearing a long t-shirt, and of course underwear. I’m not that trashy.

“That would take away from the element of surprise.� He said.

I began to walk to my bedroom door, and smiled when I saw him standing before me with a box of doughnuts in one hand and a Venti size cup of coffee that smelled heavenly in the other. We both closed our phones, and he wrapped me in a hug. God at six in the morning he still smells good. But I guess when you’re Justin Timberlake you can’t go anywhere without looking nice and smelling good.

“Happy Birthday.� He said smiling down at me as he pulled back from our hug. He handed me my coffee and I breathed it in closing my eyes.

“Thank you.� I said as he leaned down and pecked me on the lips. I can’t say that I really blame him since I had just woken up and was probably a victim of morning breath.

I grabbed his free hand and led him further into the room. I sat back down on my hand, and took a sip of my coffee.

“Might I say that you’re choice of night wear is extremely sexy.� He said as he sat across from me on the bed.

“You should see what I wear to bed in the summer.� I said raising an eyebrow smugly. I took another sip of my coffee and smirked at him. God, I can’t believe it’s this early in the day and I’m already flirting.

“Hmm what’s that?� He asked curiously.

I smiled as I sat my coffee on the nightstand. I reached across where he sat and grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him slowly toward me as I leaned back against my pillows. “Nothing.� I said as my lips grazed his.

“Summer can’t get here soon enough, but I’m sure we can improvise.� He said closing the space between us with a kiss. I giggled against his lips as I sunk further down into my bed. He chuckled in response as he kicked off one of his shoes and proceeded to do the same with the other. He moved down to my neck, and I sighed.

“Since it’s my birthday can I vote that we stay here all day?� I asked as Justin lifted his head to look down in my eyes.

“As tempting as that sounds…we can’t. I have the day planned out for you. Plenty more surprises where the early morning coffee, doughnuts, and make-out session came from.�

“And this day starts off at 4:30 in the morning?� I asked. He obviously doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does. Not even my birthday will drag me out of bed at 4:30 in the morning.

“No, it doesn’t officially start until around 9:30ish. This part wasn’t actually planned until I woke up about 3:30 and thought about you. And you weren’t next to me so I decided to do something about that. The coffee and doughnuts was a peace offering.� He said smiling at me.

“Well, I can say that this is the best birthday morning ever.� I said wrapping my arms around his neck.

“As much as I would enjoy taking this little romp further I just went to bed about two o’clock. So what do you say we pick up where we left off later tonight?�

“Is that a promise?�

“More like a threat.�

“That’s the best threat I’ve ever heard.� I said as he made his self comfortable on the other side of me.

“I love you.� He said as he pulled me closer to his side.

I smiled as I nestled my head between his shoulder and his neck, and placed my right arm across his chest. “I love you too.�

More than he will ever know.




The rest of the morning after we woke up was spent having Breakfast with Kaden. For my birthday Kaden got me a pre-paid, by him, day at a spa outside of Memphis. I think his Dad had a little help with that, but I loved it none the less. I mean what woman wouldn’t?

The day continued on with Justin and me going shopping. He insisted, well more like forced, me to let him buy me some clothes. Or anything else that I wanted. Of course I hated it, but I loved it at the same time. So I got two new outfits, and a new purse out of it.

Then of course the day progressed into the evening and he had some special dinner planned. I thought letting him buy me some clothes was the extent of it, but turns out I was wrong.

So here we are now, at a fancy Italian restaurant that I can’t even pronounce looking over a menu. I’m dressed in a simple spaghetti strap mid thigh length black dress. Every girl has got to have a little black dress. He’s looking mighty delicious in a black dress shirt and a pair of charcoal gray slacks. He’s has his little curls gelled into spikes that just make him look even sexier.

I am glad that the menus are really tall so he can’t see me practically drooling over him. Thank god we’re in a more isolated part of the restaurant because everyone else would see me making googly eyes at my boyfriend.

“Keel.� I heard Justin call with a little force.

“What?�

“I called your name three times. What were you thinking about?�

Oh, you know, about how I want to throw you down on this table and make love to you right here. “Nothing.� I said looking back down at my menu.

“Have you decided what you want?�

You. “I’m not sure. What are you getting?�

“Chicken Fettuccini. Baby, are you alright? You look a little flushed.�

I smiled and waved it off, “Yeah, I’m fine. I just got hot all of a sudden.�

“Ok.� He said as he closed his menu and placed it back on the table.

“I think I’ll have the same as you. It sounds good.� I figured it was safe to go with what he was getting.

He grabbed my hand, and smiled, “I got you something else for your birthday.�

“Justin, you’ve already done enough. You didn’t have to get me anything else.�

“Consider everything else as payment for all the other birthday’s I missed. This next one is your real present.�

“What is it?� I asked smiling.

I saw him smile back as he stood up from his chair.

Good lord if I didn’t want to throw him down more now then I did five minutes ago. Getting the whole view of him…is just…he is lethal.

I saw him reach into his pocket, and kneel down in front of me. It took a moment for it to register in my sex filled mind what he was doing.

When he began to talk I felt the butterflies flutter in my stomach, and my mouth suddenly go dry.

“Keeley ever since I was fourteen I’ve known that you’re the woman for me. I know it took me a while to realize that, and I made a lot of mistakes where you and I are concerned. But our time apart made me realize just how much I love you. You’re my best friend, my baby mama,� He said with a chuckle, “you’re truly everything to me, and I know I couldn’t live a day without you. I know I couldn’t because I’ve tried and it felt like half of me was gone. I tried to fill that void with other women and I came close a few times, but none of them could even hold a candle to you.�

I swallowed hard, and I felt a few tears run down my cheeks.

I’m sorry! I can’t help it.

He sighed and pulled his hand out of his pocket and retrieved a small velvet box. He opened it and said, “Will you marry me?�

I smiled like someone had offered me the world. Well, actually, in my opinion he had done just that.

I cried, smiled, and laughed all at the same time as my response came out, “Yes.�

He looked like I had lifted ten thousand pounds off his shoulders. Like he honestly believe that I would turn him down? He laughed happily as he pulled me into his arms for a hug.

“I promise I’ll make you happy for the rest of my life.� He said as he pulled back and took the ring out of the box and slid it onto my finger. He kissed the palm of my hand and the stared into my eyes.

“Did you honestly think that I would say no?� I asked smiling as I touched the side of his face.

“Well I figured the baby mama joke ruined my chances.� He said smiling.

“Nope. I wouldn’t want any other woman being your baby mama but me.�

He kissed me gently on the lips, “Neither would I baby.�

Then he laid the mother of all kisses on me, and after what seemed like an hour of not coming up for air. He pulled away and returned to his seat.

I swallowed hard. How could he do that and then get back up in his chair like nothing happened?

“You know if proposing to me in this romantic setting was your whole reason for coming here I think your mission has been accomplished.� I said. My lips were swollen and had a little too much color no thanks then Timberlake sitting across from me.

“Well yeah but don’t you want to eat?�

I laughed nervously, “Not when I’ve been fighting the urge to sex you up in that chair for the past,� I said as I looked at my watch, “thirty minutes. Then you go and kiss me like you just did?�

“What’s stopping you?�

“I do have a little bit of decency in me.� I said

“It never stopped you before.�

“Well…times have changed.� I said picking up my menu again, “But if you want to eat that’s fine by me.� I said as I turned my attention on what I was reading on the menu.

I smiled when I heard the sound of Justin’s chair scoot back, and then felt him grab my hand. I pulled my hand from his grasp, “You know I am kind of hungry.� I said.

He grabbed my hand again and pulled me up, “Don’t play with me girl.� He said with a sly smile.

I bit my lip as I wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed him again. Except this time I got as close to him as I could and began to slowly grind my hips. I smiled when I felt him moan into my mouth, and I knew I had him.

I pulled away with a growl of protest from Justin. I smiled and whispered into his ear, “Still hungry?�

“Nope.� He said as he swallowed hard. I giggled as he grabbed my hand as he quickly led us toward the exit of the restaurant.

Once we reached his car he pressed me up against the car, and said, “That wasn’t funny.�

“I never said it was.� I said smiling sexily.

“You’re going to pay for that when we get home.�

“Promise?� I say as I push him back so I can open my door.

“Swear.� He said as he helped me up into the Escalade.

“I’ll hold you to it.� I said as I sat in the passenger seat.

“Kaden’s at your mom’s right?�

“Yep.�

He smiled as he shut my door, and walked around to the driver’s seat.

Finally.

I finally have the man that I fell in love with all those years ago back. For a while I thought that he was lost in the Justin Timberlake that everyone else knew. But when God led me back into his life, or he into mine whichever you prefer, I found him again.

I looked down at my ring sparkling in the moonlight back at me, and I couldn’t believe that after all these years my one dream that I wanted was going too soon come true.

It’s been two blissful years since Justin finally made an honest woman of me, and I still couldn’t be any happier than I am right now.

Well ok, I guess I could.

Unbeknownst to Justin I have a doctor’s appointment today at 9 and it should confirm my suspicions of whether I really am sick and it only comes in the mornings or if I am pregnant and have…well…morning sickness.

I really hope it’s the last statement. Kaden is everything to me and always will be, but to have another child with the man that I love would be…amazing.

It would be amazing to know that I am giving him everything that he missed out on with Kaden again, and have the chance to experience first hand how amazing a newborn can be. And to know that the instant their little hand wraps around your finger that your life has been changed for the better.

But anyway I don’t want to get my hopes up just yet. I mean I am in my thirties. I mean I know you can still have children when you’re in your thirties but I also know that for most the chances are slim.

I also don’t want to get Justin’s hopes up either, which is why he still believes that I am just sick. He’s a male and he doesn’t put two and two together as easily as we women do.

I open my eyes with a smile. After the past two years I still haven’t gotten used to waking up with my ring sparkling in the morning sun light. I push myself up on my elbows and look to my left and see Justin softly snoring into his pillow, and I ease myself out of the bed so I don’t wake him.

I quietly make my way to the bedroom door, and began my trek to the kitchen. I yawn and scratch my head as I reach my destination, and smile when I see my son sitting at the counter eating cereal.

“Good morning.� I say as I place a kiss on his cheek.

Kaden smiles back at me and places a kiss on mine, “Good morning to you. What are you doing up this early on a Saturday?� He asks me turning back to his bowl of cereal.

“I have a doctor’s appointment in an hour.� I said as I walked over to the fridge and pulled it open. I glanced at some left over Spaghetti from the night before and instantly felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I quickly shut the door behind me and leaned up against it.

“Mom are you alright?�

I swallowed hard and opened my eyes, “Yeah I’m fine. I just felt a little nauseous just now. I’ll be fine.� I said pressing a hand to my head and walked over to the coffee maker. I guess coffee will have to do for the time being.

“Is that why you’re going to the doctor today?�

I began to pour myself a cup of coffee and answer my son, “Yeah. I have my suspicions, but I’m going to be fine either way.�

“Need me to give you a ride?�

“I’ll be alright, but thank you.� I said as I took a sip of my coffee. The moment the liquid went down my throat I instantly regretted it. I made a sour face and poured the remaining down the sink. “I don’t think that was what my taste buds were wanting this morning.�

“That’s a first for you.� Kaden said suspiciously.

Before he could ask any more questions I began to head back for the stairs to get dressed for my appointment, “I have to start getting ready. I’ll see you in a little bit.� I called as I began to climb the stairs. I reached my bedroom door, and quietly opened it to find Justin no longer in the bed. I smiled when I heard the flushing of the toilet in our adjacent bathroom, and him coming through the door. He looked like a walking zombie as he shuffled his way back to the bed falling into it. I smiled and quietly made my way to the closet and grabbed my clothes for the day, and headed toward the bathroom.

Once I stepped into the shower the butterflies began. In less than an hour I would know if I was a pregnant woman or not. As the warm water gently massaged my back I instinctively rubbed my stomach. I never knew how much I really wanted to have another child until I realized how happy I was with Justin. Sure we had discussions on more children and we decided to just let it happen, no planning, just to let nature run its course. Honestly I’m glad we decided to do it that way because planning it out would just make the joy of making another life more stressful than it really should be.

At that moment I felt the ache that my body had for a child. If it was really possible to feel something like that, I just did. At this moment I decided that if the doctor’s results turned out to be negative and I really was just sick, I seriously wanted another baby.




I bit my bottom lip nervously as I walked into our home. I shut the door behind me and placed my purse and car keys on the foyer table. I ran a hand through my hair and made my way further into the house. I finally reached the kitchen and looked out the French doors leading to the backyard to see Kaden and Justin playing basketball. I smiled and opened the doors and stepped out onto the patio.

“You don’t want none of this.� Justin said dribbling the ball as he ran around Kaden and shot the ball through the hoop.

“Oh come on. You can’t count that, you pushed me!� Kaden protested.

“I did nothing of the sort. Just except that you got whooped by your old man.� Justin said slapping him on the shoulder.

“You may can whoop me at basketball but I could run circles around you playing a guitar.� Kaden said wiping his face off with the towel around his shoulders.

I smiled to myself. I still had yet to be noticed by either one of them. I looked fondly over my son and I have to say I have done a pretty good job raising him. I still can’t believe that he is now legally an adult, and about to graduate high school in a few months. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready to accept it.

Justin laughed at Kaden’s remark. “I wouldn’t doubt that.� He said turning around to grab a bottle of water but stopped when he noticed me. “Hey baby!� He said jogging over to me, and placed a gentle kiss on my lips. “How’d your appointment go?� He asked wiping more sweat off his forehead with a towel.

“It went good.� I said with a little edge of nervousness.

He looked at me curiously, “Just good? Did they find out why you’ve been so sick.�

“Yep.�

“Well?�

“Well…� I said trying to hide my smile, “You do realize that everytime I’ve been sick it’s been in the mornings right?�

He nodded with a look that asked what that had to do with anything, “Yeah. So?�

“Well when people are pregnant that generally happens for the first couple of months, and it turns out that I am.�

He blinked twice and looked at me, “You’re pregnant?�

“Yeah, she said I was three months along. My first appointment with the OBGYN is in the next week.�

He laughed and pulled me into a hug, “We’re gonna have a baby.�

“Yep and we’re gonna be old farts for parents too.� I said laughing.

“But we’ll be the hottest old farts on the block.� He said, “Did you suspect this all along?� He asked me.

“Well not at first but after it kept coming in the morning I began to get suspicious. I honestly thought we would go through our life with just Kaden and I was fine with that, but this morning I realized how much I really wanted another baby. I want to give you everything that you missed out on before.�

He smiled and simply replied with a kiss on the cheek, “So do you want to tell Kaden or should we tell him together?�

“Let’s tell him together.� I said as we began to walk over the basketball court where Kaden was shooting the ball back and forth to the hoop.

At this moment I knew that this is all I ever wanted, and that I couldn’t have been happier if you had told me I won the lottery. Because, honestly, I think I did.