"I can't right now."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

He plopped down on the sofa next to her and ran a hand over his short brown hair. This woman was so frustrating, and JC Chasez did not like to be frustrated. He'd been going circles in this conversation with her, unconvinced as to why they couldn't further their relationship beyond the close friendship they currently shared. She said she was busy, running from her past, and he said he didn't care what had happened to her. She may have reffered to herself as damaged goods, but he wasn't one to knit-pick and expect perfection. Besides, in his eyes, she was already as close to perfect as you could get. But in her mind, she had so many demons.

They'd met at the grocery store, some several months prior. He'd see her there, once a week, the same day at the same time. Usually she wore black pants and a blue sweater, but sometimes she'd wear blue plaid pajama bottoms and a tee shirt hidden under a jean jacket. But regardless of what she wore, she was there faithfully, every Thursday at 2am. Finally he'd gotten up the courage to ask why she followed her pattern so religiously. She said she'd needed routine and stability in her life. At the time, he didn't know what that meant. She asked why she'd always see him there, peaking at her over the tomatoes. He said it was the best time to escape the 'sweethearts'. She'd later come to find that that was code for 'fans'. He called them sweetheart because he said that's what they were most of the time, it was just those other times that were bothersome.

"Look, I know your life has been rough, okay? But that doesn't mean you have to let it stop you from moving on. That doesn't mean you can't let it go."

Her hands, which had been rubbing her eyes, paused and her light colored orbs peeked out from between her fingers. They flashed with anger and annoyance.

"Rough? Let it go? You have no idea what you're talking about so just shut up. You have no idea what I've been through."

JC rolled his eyes at her dramatics, and leaned his elbows on his knees.

"Well, what is it I don't know? What happened to you?"

She glared, mentally telling him to drop the subject. His eyes are pleading with her to open up. To let him see the things that are keeping her heart from excepting him the way he knew they both wanted her too.

She wanted so badly to keep her secrets hidden deep inside, but he seemed so sincere in his request to know what was keeping her heart trapped in grief and fear. Her eyes closed, painfully, and her face looked troubled as she started to remember.

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad bad feeling

A young Angelina is sitting in the livingroom, singing her heart out along to the gospel music playing on the radio. The spinning room fan infront of her echos her voice into the rest of the room, sending it all over the house.

"I'm gonna take a trip on that old gospel ship, I'm going far beyond the sky. I'm gonna shout and sing till the Heaven's ring, till I bid the world goodbye. I'm gonna take a trip in that old gospel ship, you needn't have a care. I'm gonna shout and sing, till the Heaven's ring, till I'm sailing through the air."

"God damnit girl! I told you to quit down in there."

Angie turned her head, smiling over her shoulder in the direction of his voice.

"I'm feeling the spirit, Daddy."

She continued on with her singing, shouting the words her aunt had taught her. Then heavy footsteps were heard coming down the hall, and before her mind could even register them, a tight grip is placed on her arm and she was yanked from the floor.

"What is wrong with you? It's my one day off, and I'm trying to get a little peace and quiet. All I asked you to do was to cut off all this noise." He reached over, forcefully shutting off the stereo.

The house fell silent, except for his angered huffing and Angie's frightened panting. She stared, eyes wide, at her father. A middle aged man of 6'3 with a husky stature and penetrating brown eyes.

"Daddy, I didn't-."

A slap across her delicate face silenced her 7 year old voice.

"Don't you back talk me girl. That's what you're always doing, muttering under your breath at everything I have to say to ya."

"Dad, I don't-."

Again, her meek voice was quickly quieted, and she was dropped to the floor with a thud.

"I am sick and tired of your disrespect, we're going to settle this once and for all right now." As he spoke, his fingers moved skillfully, undoing the notches in his belt.

"No," the young girl tried her best to put distance between them, her kicking feet bunching up the rug beneath her.

"Oh yes, we're going to handle this."

"It was 6 weeks before the bruises completely faded. My childhood was over. I was afraid of everyone, scared they'd get mad at me, scared that they would hurt me. Or worse, find out the secret I was protecting. The most important man in my life had hurt me in one of the worst ways. Fathers are very important to daughters. It's your father that teaches you how a man is supposed to treat you, how it's supposed to feel when someone loves you. So everytime he did it, I thought it meant he loved me. And everytime I listened when he would tell me not to tell my Mom. He said it would only make her angry too, and then they'd both be mad at me, and that would be worse than anything he could ever do to me."

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

"But, ofcourse, Mommy knew. I think at first she was afraid of him too. Afraid of what he might to do her, to me, if she told anyone else our family secret. But eventually she packed us up and we left. It was shelter to shelter at first, and then we got our own little place. Things were normal, as normal as we could make them. But, he was my father, and even if he was horrible, I needed him. I needed his love, and I missed all of the good things about him.

Time passed, and I was 17 when I met Hector. He was funny, and clever, and smooth, and he told me all of the things I'd always wanted to hear. My Prince Charming on the white horse come to save me. I fell so in love with him, and he told me that he loved me too. We'd been together 8 months when he pulled me into his room and locked the door."

Left my childhood behind
In a rollaway bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
To young to know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lost it
But I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad bad feeling

The room is mostly dark, only lit momentarily by flashes of light from the television. On the bed, is a teenaged girl, pinned to the comforter by the heavier man laying over her. Doubt is evident in her features, her actions slow and unsure as she reaches to touch his back.

He tries his best to comfort her, placing reassuring kisses on her neck and collarbone. His hands move slowly, purposefully, and he reached down into ther jeans. Her face contorts with confusion and uncertainty.

Should she be allowing him to touch her so intimately? He was her boyfriend, after all, and they did love eachother. One day, this would be a regular activity they'd carry on as husband and wife. So it wasn't a big deal, right? But for some reason, her theory of justification was not quieting her reeling mind.

"Hec, hey, Hector," she calls his name softly, pushing at his shoulders.

Finally he extracts his face from her neck, looking down at her.

"What?"

"Don't you think this is moving kinda fast?"

"Naw," he curls his lip at her, "I think it's moving jussst right." The end of his sentence can barely be understood, and he is once again trailing kisses over her skin.

"Hector, come on," she pushes at his shoulders again, and he looks up with the same look of annoyance.

"What?"

"Come on," she nudges him.

"Come on what?"

"Come on, get off."

"Get off?"

Her brow creases.

"Hector, I'm not in the mood for your crap right now. I'm tired, I'm ready to go home."

"Go home? You can't go home right now. We're in the middle of something."

"Well, we're gonna put it on pause for while." She nudged at his shoulders again and moved to stand, but he didn't budge in the slightest.

"On pause?"

"Hec, don't you think we should wait on this? I mean, it's only been a few months-."

"Almost a year."

"I know, but, I've never done that before ya know? And I just want-."

"You know I'm gonna take care of you, girl. I love you. I'm not gonna do anything that's not going to make you feel good."

"I know, I love you too," her arms wrapped around his neck. "But I just don't think we're ready for that step."

"You mean you're not really ready to be my girl." He moved off of her, sitting next to her.

"What?"

"Yeah. I'm getting sick of this back and forth shit. Either you grow the hell up and start acting like my woman, and taking care of all the needs I have as a man, or you can bounce."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I'm tired of loving someone who ain't gonna love me back."

"Hector, I do love you."

"No, you don't."

"Yes I do." She sat up as well. "You know I do. I wanna be with you forever, I'd do anything for you."

"Then do this," he said. "Prove it to me."

Her eyes lowered to the blanket. She did love him, it broke her heart to think that he didn't know it. A real woman would just do as he had said, shown him her love.

"Come on, show me you love me," he said softly, kissing her ear.

He pushed her to lay down once again, and she did so.

"That's what I'm talking about."

He pulled his black tee shirt over his head before laying over her again. His hand eventually drifted back inside the confinds of her clothes, and she winced before pushing on him again.

"No, wait, Hec stop. That hurts, I don't think-."

A hand around her throat silenced her vocal cords. And this time when he spoke his voice was meniscing.

"I'm not playing this fuckin' game with you all night Ang. You started this shit, we're gonna finish it. Stop being such a baby."

"He was older than me, and knew how I felt about him, and that he was the first man I'd ever trusted, and he used all that to his advantage. What happened that wouldn't be classified as assault. It may not have been whole-heartedly, but I was a participant. I just listened to him when he told me that he loved me. I listened when he told me that we would be together forever. I wanted to believe him so badly. When he grabbed me like that, it reminded me of my Dad, and it's so sick to say, but I felt loved. I felt like he cared, he needed me so badly in that moment that he'd do anything to keep me there. I didn't know anything about love and real relationships. I didn't know about innocence, because I hadn't had it for so long. No one had talked to me about what virginity really was, so it didn't matter that I was giving it away. Atleast, it didn't matter until it was too late."

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

"That night was the last time we spoke. He changed his number, moved in with a friend, and got a new girlfriend. And I was left, once again, on my own to pick up the pieces and try to 'move on'."

His blue eyes moved to the floor, ashamed of the words he'd used earlier.

"After that, his friends started to call, saying he'd told them all about me and they wanted to know when I'd be coming back around so we can hang out. It made me sick to my stomach, thinking about what I'd done with him. What I had shared with them that I'd never be able to get back, or share with anyone else. Mom was in her own world, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and moving in with a guy who was slowly following in the same foot steps as my Dad. When I turned 18 I had to get out. I had to go. So, I packed up a bag one night, got in the car, and took off."

The still darkness is piecered by the faded headlights of an old automobile as it navigates the blind curves in the dead of night. There's a backpack, stuffed with clothing, in the backseat. In the front, is a young girl, one hand on the wheel, the other wiping the moisture from her eyes. It was a mixture of sleepiness and confusion causing her to tear up. She'd been driving for hours, trying her best to outrun the memories that would be chasing her forever.

The radio had gone silent, the signal blocked by the hills around her. The only sound she heard is the revving engine and her own shallow breathing. She wondered if anyone knew the pain she kept hidden inside, the words swirling in her heart that she was too afraid to say. Did anyone notice she was gone? Would anyone look?

Where was she going? Who would be waiting for her when she got there?

Maybe, in wherever it was, she would be able to start over, and be the Angelina that she was supposed to be before her soul was tainted with the poor excuses for men she'd encountered in her young years.

In wherever she was going, she could allow the silenced voices inside of herself to speak. She could rediscover her emotions, release all of her fear, and allow herself to make the changes she'd been so desperately hoping for. Her seasons were changing, and the delicate blossom she'd been keeping wrapped up could bloom.

She wasn't dead inside, she was just well hidden. But now, she could come out of hiding. She would arise, a phoenix out of the ashes.

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart

"A phoenix with no job, no money, no credit, no plan. Just a high school diploma and a beat up truck. Jayce, I'm finally getting into some kind of rhythmn in my life. I'm 21 years old, and I've moved 9 times in the past 3 years. I'm finally getting to a place where maybe, with a little work, I can be okay. I don't want to start changing that." Her eyes lowered.

"Lord knows that there's a part of that cares for you, and would love to accept the wonderful things you're offering me. But, there's that other part of me that is afraid."

"Of what?"

"Of me. Of you."

"Me?"

"Jayce, you've never done anything to make me fearful of you, except be born in the body that you are. I'll always be afraid of having a man in my life, because so far they've all done a horrible job."

He clasped his hands, mulling over her words carefully. Only she knew how hard it would be to overcome having someone so greedily betray your trust.

He looked at her, and realized then how truly vulnerable she was, and how fragile she had been all along. She'd been right the entire time, she was damaged. Her heart covered in cuts and bruises that might never completely heal.

But, if she had experienced the picture perfect childhood, there would be a completely different woman infront of him now. In fact, she probably wouldn't be here at all, and they'd have never had met. She had to except herself as she was now, before she could make any kinds of changes. And she needed to do that without him, or anyone else, looking over her shoulder.

"Are you scared of everything that's about to come? All of the changes, the work."

"No," she said solemly, her eyes left the imaginary spot on the wall they'd been focused on. "My life has always been work, and there's no point of being afraid of change because it's the only thing that's for sure in this world. I'm not scared, more like relieved. My body hurts from carrying all of this baggage around. The sooner I change, the soon I can... hmmm."

"Let it go?"

"Not let it go, learn to live with it."

"Do you hate them? For what they did?"

She looked up at his words, and let out a sigh.

"Sometimes. I'll always have that hesitation, and I blame them for that. I'll never know who I was supposed to be. I know that when I was put here, there was a plan for me. But whoever the girl who was supposed to go down that path was, died a long time ago. For every moment I spent with them, a part of me died, and I'll never be whole again. I'll never be young, or innocent, or get back my ability to completely give myself to someone else. I'll never be carefree, or the me that everyone who knows me deserves to have. And sometimes, yes, I hate them for doing that from me."

Their conversation continued on, deep philosophical poetry leaving her lips. Enlightened, and sadened, an emotionally overwhelmed Joshua looked to an emotionally exhausted Angelina.

"Well, I should get going," he reached out, patting her knee. Her fingertips grasped his, ant they were shaky, and frigid.

"Do you want me to stay?" He asked. Not out of hope, but genuine concern for her. If she didn't want to be alone, he'd never leave.

She shook her head and answered quietly.

"No, you better go. I'll be okay."

He made a face, his brow furrowing in thought. Then, relunctantly he stood.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay."

He squeezed her fingers once again before stepping away, and allowing her hand to slip away.

"Jayce," she called, stopping his movement towards the door. "Can I be honest with you again?"

"Ofcourse," he turned to face her fully, intrigue in his features.

"In all this darkness, you're my crack of sunlight."

He smirked softly, flattered, and proud to have had some kind of positive affect in her tragic life.

"Maybe, one day, when I'm not so afraid...."

He smiled, that warm comforting smile that had eased her restless mind so many times before, and nodded a yes.

"I'll be back again," he told her. "I'll find you."

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long long long long way to happy
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Long Way to Happy: by P!NK | Old Gospel Ship from the motion picture Bastard Out of Carolina