I looked up from my file of yet another failed marriage, this one was packed with every sordid detail from the husband “fucking the babysitter when our daughter had her first ballet recital” to “that whore is a gold digger who is trying to poison my children against me” they both wanted to air their dirty laundry for the whole world to see and like the others before them and no doubt the 3 others neatly piled on my high glossed desk after them; they seemed to forget this one tiny detail, the love that they once shared; surely it couldn’t have gotten bad that fast...could it?

 This is not what I imagined I’d be doing at 7 o’clock on a Friday night after 4 years of torture in law school. No I thought I’d be changing the world one developing country at a time but I’m too scared, too comfortable and well too in love, there I said it, I love him. I look at one of the many random pictures dotting around my office instantly bringing a smile to my face, how he still does that I don’t know. I’m having a miserable day and yet still just one glimpse of him and I’m happy- God please wake me up.

 I promise myself I’d finish this client’s folder and the briefing before I even think of making a move but does Mrs. Preston actually think that we’re going to give her an allowance of $24,000 a year for cosmetics and only $15,000 for child care? This woman really needs to sort out her priorities. I guess her husband isn’t better though contesting the 3 children’s paternity is a low blow if I say so. I don’t mind though I promised years ago when I saw my parent’s get divorced that I wouldn’t put myself through the whole marriage thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Throwing off my high heels as soon as I open the front door one of our two dogs, Bailey charges towards me almost loosing my balance as he wags his tail uncontrollably, this dog is on speed I’m convinced. Rubbing right behind his ears I walk further into the house trying to find Justin. It’s 9 he said he’d be home by now, the dogs seem fed but he isn’t slouched on the couch watching football highlights or in the kitchen fixing a Jack Daniels. Running up the stairs padding on the hardwood floor I open our bed room door not really expecting him to be there but guessing it was worth a shot. I know he’s home I can feel him, smell him, hear his heart beat but I can’t see him. Shaking my head I give in and decide on changing my clothes.

“That’s the thing about you.” His voice booms from around the entire house on the intercom, a feature he begged to put in. “You give up too easily, welcome home baby. I’m in the studio.” I can tell that he’s smiling and that makes me smile, corny I know but I can’t help it. Pulling on an oversized sweatshirt and jeans shorts I walk outside to the studio, the closer I get the louder the music gets.

“There she is!” Ethan shouted making the whole room stop to turn around.

“Hey guys.” I roll my eye feeling self conscious, making my way over to Justin’s chair and sitting on his lap.

“How was your day babe?” He whispers stretching around me to change the EQ and for a second I take in this chaos that I now call my life.

“Why do people get married?” I lean back on his chest and he just laughs choosing to ignore my question- we have different opinions when it comes to that topic. Mine cynical as it may be: why ruin a good thing, waste time on prenuptial agreement that might not be enforceable by a judge, and money on a wedding? Justin’s: was very simple-love. “I mean I’m not complaining it keeps me busy but.” Kissing the nape of my neck I take this as my cue to shut up.

“I made dinner.” Trace smacks his head and laughs moving over to the couch.

“J stop lying you bought dinner.”

“My money I made it, but for the fact.”

“See what you made him become?” Trace points to him and laughs. “J you’re not a lawyer and I’m sure the rules of tort don’t apply to buying Chinese food. Tell him Ari.”

“Hey I’m not getting involved.” I laugh leaning back on his chest.

“Oh scared are we?” Justin squeezes my waist tightly and it doesn’t get better than this, even if I have to share him with a million people tonight, I’m where I belong, in his arms in his lap tonight. It was almost 12 by the time the last person left the studio and we were finally alone, we’ve been giving Ethan the eye for several hours dropping hints about the time and early morning meeting but he never seemed to get the hint until his fiancé called him demanding that he come home, talk about whipped, but it’s endearing.

“Let me put you to bed.” He whispered huskily in my ear.

“I thought you’d never ask.”  I giggled like a teenager talking to her crush.

Laying on the bed a wave of contentment washed over me, this feeling always seems to scare me the most as I always get the feeling that I’ve reached the summit and now it was time to crash and burn. I’m instantly taken back to November 24th 1989, when I was 6. I just got home from playing with my mother at the park that Friday, gosh I remember it was so cold but I just didn’t want to go in just yet. Needless to say that by 7 o’clock mom had enough and dragged me home, but not before we got a milkshake at Dairy Queen. I remember thinking that this could possibly be the best day ever- got 100% on my spelling test got the chance to hang out with the coolest woman in the world and a milkshake, I could die a happy 6 ½ year old.

Justin nudges me and with a blink I’m out of my haze. I expect Ethan or Juan is calling him to beg him to hit a club or 2 with them and he’s trying to play supportive boyfriend but as I Look at him he doesn’t seem happy; no from experience that look is concern with a bit of fear.

And I knew that my whole life with just that one look from Justin would be turned upside down.

“It’s your call Ari.” His whisper is almost inaudible.

“Hello?” I brace myself, nothing good ever comes from a 2 o’clock call. I imagine the worst things possible, cynical I know but I like to be prepared, that way when this devil of a messenger decides to break the news to me it won’t be as bad as what I thought it would be. I’m thinking on the lines of an unscheduled court date with my ‘favourite’ bench on the weekend due to an emergency seizure.

“Ms. Jacobs it pains me to call so late but.” This guy is a speech writer because he seems to be dragging out the inevitable and I have no patience for people like those. “I regret to inform you that um at approximately 3:30 pm this afternoon.” He takes another breath and I’m just about tempted to hang up the phone sure I don’t have the correct statute books on hand for this asshole’s problems, but wait I think he’s about to start again. “Ms. There is no easy way to say this but your brother was killed today.” My first reaction is to laugh this guy has to be joking, Collin is the last person I’d put down to being killed. He’s more cautious than I am. He’s a trained accountant and Bank Manager for one of Tampa’s largest banks, he calculates variables and anomalies every day he is paid to see things before they happen, there is no way in hell that my big brother, life saver and all round best friend could be dead, correction killed or murdered, the unlawful killing of a human being with malice aforethought. No way has this idiot lost his mind?

“Listen asshole with all due respect, I believe that you need to have your head examined. There is no way that my brother”

“Collin Allan Jacobs of 1737 Merry Way Avenue blood type AO, born April 7th 1974.” Shit, my heart falls to my stomach and I’m about to bring up that stir fry I had earlier. “Ms Jacobs are you there?”

“Um yes sir.” There it is that respect, and utter fear that I was trained to have for the executioners of the law. “Um, can you give me a second please?” Trying to gain some composure praying that this might still be a heartless prank that Collin likes to play on me sometimes. Right now I’m willing to look like a fool as long as my brother is ok. Rubbing my chest, with my palm I think I’m about to hyperventilate.

“Ms Jacobs I’m aware that it’s late but well please would you give me a few minutes more of your time or I-or I could speak to the gentle man that answered the phone.” Throwing the phone at Justin I jump out of the bed and head towards the bathroom. This is my punishment for being so happy. I can only hear Justin’s side but he seems calmer than I was, he even has his yes sirs and I understands’ in all the right place. This isn’t a joke please let this be a joke.

“Please don’t do that sir we’ll pick them up right now sir. Just please don’t separate them.”

Them, oh God, he’s speaking about Alana and Kayla the them are his babies, the reason he breathes, the joy of his life since his wife Chanel left him 2 years ago without any explanation. Expected him to defend and protect my 9 year old and 10 month old nieces. Oh no wait she did have the decency to sign divorce papers that she left on their bed. What I never understood was why she would leave Alana under the illusion that she was ‘just going down the road’. For 5 ½ hours that little girl was looking after her baby sister thinking that her mother would be back, not realising that her last memory of her mother would be of her dressed in ‘a sunflower dress and flip flops’. She didn’t even leave a forwarding address.

What or how am I supposed to feel? I haven’t even had time to think about crying before I grab a pair of jeans a t-shirt and a dress throwing them into my tote and dashing into the room to get my passport, Justin grabs my hand stopping me from moving any further.

“Sir, I understand that and I’m fully aware that it is late but I would really appreciate it if you um didn’t do anything right now.” Pulling out his other phone from the night stand he dials the first number on his list, his mother’s. “Sir please hold on for a second. Mama could you please get down to Ari’s brother’s house I’ll explain everything to you on the way but I really need you to start moving like now.”

Knowing Mrs Harless she was already out the door by the time Justin said ‘could you’ that’s just how she is I guess. I however am very impatient and have more ground to cover being in L.A and LAX about 30 minutes away, damn I don’t even know the flight times and here comes another panic attack. I can’t do this what am I suppose to say? What am I suppose to do? My brother, the last constant in my life is gone. I sit on the bed trying to stop the shaking that seems to be slowly taking over my body, creeping up my legs and has rested for the time being at my stomach. My heart rate is out of this world and at this moment it hits me, I’m alone in this world now. If there was anything I could do, a trade that I could make I’d give it all up for Collin. He has more reason to live than I do. I’m angry.

“I’m so.” Justin starts speaking whilst returning the phone to the cradle. I swear if he finishes that sentence with sorry I’m going to knock him the fuck out.

“Don’t Justin, you have no fucking clue!” I shoot off the bed but crumble to the floor my knees are too weak to support me. Being the supportive boyfriend that he is, he picks me up and puts me in our bed, pushing back my fringe he kisses my forehead and leaves the room currently on the phone with God knows who.

I feel weak, confused and ill prepared for this situation. I’ve never played this scenario out in my head, Collin was, oh God I’m already speaking about him in the past tense and his body isn’t even in rigor yet, what kind of sister am I? Shit! I’m supposed to be strong; I’m supposed to be smart. Taking a deep breath I force myself to get a grip, pulling out my PDA I find Mrs Trabachus’, Collin’s nosey neighbour’s number, praying that she’s up this early in the morning.

“Um Good morning Mrs Trabachus it’s Arianna Jacobs.”

“Oh right Collin’s sister, honey I’m so sorry.” Sympathy or empathy I’m not sure right now but I don’t really care, I listen to this woman recount how sweet my brother was and all I want to do is shake her, shut her up in some way.

“Mrs Trabachus please, I can’t get to Alana and Kayla fast enough could you please just sit with them, tuck them in just be with them until Mrs. Harless gets there later on.”

“Sure honey I just need you to verify that with Mr Lloyd the nice detective that’s over at the house.” She sounded like she wanted to continue.

“Sure um” I can’t believe I didn’t even ask for the detective’s name all my training has gone out the window. “Mrs Trabachus it would mean a lot if you um went over there now so I could just do it at one time, just give him the phone.”

“Oh right I’m on it, let me just get my night coat sweetie, it’s getting so cold up here the weather is coming in from the lake and it’s just not good for my arthritis.”

“Thank you.” Pulling out my laptop to check flight times for Tampa, I wait for the elderly woman to put on her dressing gown. I’m surprised she didn’t take long in opening her front door and walking over to my brother’s front gate.

“Honey here is Mr. Lloyd here I think she needs to speak to you.”

“Mr Lloyd thank you so much for your help so far sir.” A little ego building never hurt anyone. “I thought it would take a lot of strain off the girls if they saw a familiar face until we got there.”

“Sure, though the youngest.” The dumbass doesn’t even know my nieces names!

“Yeah Kayla”

“Well she’s sleeping but Alana is giving us hell.”

“I can only apologise for my niece’s behaviour sir, but it would mean a lot if you let Mrs Trabachus into the house if it’s not a primary scene for investigation.”

“Sure I’m sure Social Service will be pleased that you’re doing their job for them.” This arse’s voice is drenched with sarcasm, but I choose to ignore it.

“Thank you very much Sir, we’ll be at the house as soon as possible.”

“Well we’ll be leaving soon since the children are safe.”

“Mr Lloyd do you think that it’s a good idea? I mean there is some crazy person.”

“Ms Jacobs” He emphasised the S on my name like an old math teacher I had in junior high. “We already have a confession and the assailant is in custody.” That was fast, though I expect this murderer realised that he was on circuit TV. I’m shocked to hear the dial tone. That...biting my pillow I suppress a scream. I want his badge!

“Ari” Justin coos resting his weight on the door frame. “Ari we leave in 2 hours. Ethan is going to pick us up at about 4 and take us to the airport.”

“Thank you.” Just above a whisper, I’m afraid to say anymore, but he’s heard. I know he has, as he shoves his hands into his pyjama pockets, his torso still on show from previous activities earlier this morning. The whole room is eerily quiet, neither of us wanting to be the first to say the inevitable.

“Mom is about 15 minutes away.”

“That’s great.” I feel relieved that the girls will be in great hands until we get there, but not better. “Um Mrs Trabachus is staying with them, well I mean Alana, Kayla is asleep.” Tucking my hair behind my ears for the first time I look up at Justin, who doesn’t seem to be taking it as well as I previously thought but is keeping a strong front up in front of me and I’m honestly grateful, emotional is the last thing I think I need right now. Inching closer to me he seems unsure whether I’m strong enough to be held in his arms. He decides against it scratching his head and turns on his heels heading towards the bathroom.

“We better start packing some stuff. We don’t know how long we might be there for.” He shouts not knowing that I can see his reflection in the mirror from where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. He’s slumps over the sink and I can see that he’s trying to take deep breaths as his chest rises and falls.

“Yeah, um probably a black suit or 2 will come in handy.” I have yet to move, though he rushes out the room and returning in an instant with a large suitcase.

“We can share a suitcase. Just the basics Ari underwear, t-shirts, jeans...” he continues talking neatly folding our stuff into the suitcase, not realising that I’ve stopped listening.

“Ari Ethan is here!” Justin shouts through the intercom. It’s amusing how much he loves that thing, oh the fun that he’s planned for us with that intercom and for a split second everything feels normal, like we’re just rushing to catch a last minute flight that he’s sprung on me. My toes touch the cold ceramic tiles as I hop from mat to mat trying to keep my feet from getting even colder. I don’t know it’s a habit that I picked up when I was younger, convincing myself when I was about 7 that if my feet touched the ground more than 3 times before all my clothes were on that it would be a bad day. I even made distinctions between the ground, the main surface and the floor, the second covering, the safety zone. Childish I know but it’s a comfort, a hope that everything will be alright for the day, except this time it’s not. After quickly slapping lotion on my body I slip on my wrap dress put on my shoes and rush down the stairs.

“Ethan.” I whisper his name and in an instant he takes 3 huge strides from beside Justin and I’m wrapped in his arms.

“Nana I’m so sorry, I can’t believe Collin is gone.” He doesn’t even wait for me to respond before speaking again. “Mom has gone over to Collin’s house and she’ll pick you...and Justin up at the airport.” Just then Gabriel, Ethan’s gorgeous fiancée a woman I can only describe a porcelain Amazonian princess and associate in Burnley & Co the firm that I work in peers through the door and I’m almost certain that she’s uncomfortable with Ethan hugging me as she clears her throat letting the whole room know she’s here.

“Don’t worry about Mr Preston I’ll call him later today.”

“Thanks Gabby.” I step away from Ethan and Justin rubs the small of my back ushering me to the front door, suitcase in the other hand.

“Um Gabby and I will stay here to look after Bailey and Sheba until you get back.” Pulling out his car key from his pocket he rushes to the front as we all pile in to his Range Rover, his pride and joy.

The ride to the airport proved uneventful and seemed too early in the morning 5:19 to be exact, for anyone to want to talk. Looking over at Justin I can tell his mind is drifting and he’s fighting the urge to sleep. Grabbing his hand the sudden awareness of the enormous task ahead of planning Colin’s funeral hits me. I know we have a family plot that my dad got after mom died but I don’t think I’d have the first clue where to find all the information, Collin dealt with all of that stuff when dad died because I was too busy with BAR finals. How selfish was that? I regret not handling dad’s passing better than I did I just shutout the world. Justin and I were just moving in together and I just left everything down to Collin and that wasn’t fair.

In barley no time at all Ethan pulls up at the departure terminal at airport and I’m shocked to see the paparazzi out at this time, how do they know where people are going to be? Giving me a reassuring squeeze, Justin pulls down his baseball hat and opens the door gently pulling me out the car, keeping our heads down we walk into the airport after about 300 shots have been taken of us just putting one foot in front of the other. Ethan carries the suitcase inside as we check in he gives each of us a hug and quickly returns to the car.

On the plane we’re still uncomfortable with each other, like we’ve had a huge fight over something small, like we usually do. The good news is that he’s fallen asleep which gives me time to take in everything that’s happened in the space of 4 hours. I do the only thing I know how and detach myself from the situation and make a list of priorities so that I’m back in control of this, this thing.

Morgue for victim I.D and death certificate

Lawyer’s office to hand in certificate and Will

Funeral Home and deposit

Hartland Funeral Home

5020 N 41st St Tampa FL 34721

Alana and Kayla’s school for 2 o’clock pick up

Family Bereavement Clinic

Dr. Eliza Moody

3411 E Nicaragua St. 

Contact...

By the time the plane landed at 10 Justin seemed more rested and I, well I was back in control. After collecting our bag, my phone immediately rings, the caller ID saying Yasmine. Justin already knowing the exit to all major airports navigates us through the score of people and press.

“C’mon guys move out of the way.” He grumbles holding my hand tighter than before.  

“Hey Mrs. Scott” Trying hard to fight through the flashing lights I’m finding it difficult to hear Ethan’s mother above the camera clicks, shutters and swearing, an almost effective trick that they use to try and get a reaction from me.

“Sweetie I’m just outside the door.” From the crowd I see a fairly tall tanned woman leaning on an SUV with dark glasses as she sees us coming with the press she dashes into the car Justin putting the suitcase in the trunk and parks his bum in the passenger seat, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Being the bad ass that Mrs Scott was she sped off the terminal like Hamilton with Alonzo on his tail.

“Mrs Harless just dropped off Alana and Kayla at school.” Justin perked up when he heard his mother’s name he is such a mama’s boy and he’ll be the first to admit it. “Alana boy that kid has a temper on her, are you going to be taking her to.”

“I’m on it.” I interject. “2:30 we have an appointment with the Family Bereavement therapist Dr. Moody.”

“Wow-that’s great maybe all of us can go together. I mean Collin’s death has affected all of us.” I didn’t think about that damn.

“Yeah- I mean I was just focusing on Ali and Kay but I’m sure Dr. Moody.”

“Forget it Arianna if you’ve made your plans already.” He turns around in a huff.

“Justin! I.” But I stop, even though Mrs Scott is like family, we’ve always tried to make an effort not to fight in front of other people, that’s just to stop reading about it the next day on gossip pages.

“Guys you need to communicate with each other, c’mon we’re all going through a rough time right now.”

“Justin I’m sorry, it just didn’t cross my mind.” I give in.

“That’s the thing Arianna I’m- you don’t think of me.”

“That’s not true Justin!” I recoil, that was a low blow. All I do is think about him, his needs, what is better for him, except now.

“Ari it’s my family too, you just don’t let me in close enough. I wasn’t even allowed to go to your father’s funeral.” I didn’t think he wanted to go. Besides he was about to start touring we had just started moving in and unpacking our stuff, I just thought he’d be too busy to want to come to a man who I hardly knew anything about let alone him.

“Sorry.” We’ve been trying this communication malarkey it’s a lot harder than it seems, but it works most of the time. I’d much rather have a huge argument and forget it but compromises, right?

“Good now that we’ve cleared the air where to first?” They both look at me expecting an answer.

“City Morgue” I sink further in the seat trying to fade out Justin’s deep stare from the reflection in the mirror.

Nothing could have prepared me for that cold uninviting room. No lifetime of CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, Criminal Minds or any of the Law and Orders, this was real. Thinking that they’d put me by the screen and open the curtain to view the body I was somewhat surprised when they took both Justin and I to a room, opened the door and the stench of formaldehyde and bleach overriding my senses. The old man walked faster than both of us my knees shaking like Jell-O he paused at the far end of the room. Praying as we got to the body that by some twist of fate it isn’t Collin the man pulls back the cover before I can take my last breath of hope, revealing my brother’s body.

“Oh God” I gasp turning my head away from my brother resting it on Justin’s shoulder. He rubs my shoulders reassuringly and whispers ‘it’s ok in my ear’. I cover my mouth forcing back the tears but I’m fighting a loosing battle. Before I know what’s happened I’ve broken down, like I did the morning of my mother’s death. For about 10 minutes that’s all I do, cry, take in my brother’s features and be held by Justin, who is about to draw blood the way he’s biting on his bottom lip.

“Say goodbye Arianna.” Justin says assertively pushing me away from his chest. I take 2 small paces and my mind goes blank, the last thing I’ll ever say to my brother and I can’t think of anything apart from a Brad Paisley song:

I'm sorry for still holding on
I'll try to let go and I'll try to be strong, and I'll

Wish you the best
And I wish you nothing less
Than every thing you've ever dreamed of
And I hope that you find love along the way
But most of all
I wish you'd stay

“Cola wake up.” I rock his shoulder shocked at how heavy and cold he feels under my hands and in an instant I’m back in my mother’s room on that Saturday morning, dad has left for work before sun rise, and to get away from us, I fear. Collin is making pancakes down stairs as a surprise for mom, he’s almost finished. Collin stands in front of the TV and I’m about to get upset because he’s blocking my view from my favourite show, Captain Planet, “Pepsi go wake mama up I’m almost finished.” He gives me this huge smile like it’s  just missing a laugh and I dash up the creaky stairs, bolt through the door and unto mom’s bed that alone should’ve woke her up, she is, was such a light sleeper. I try kissing her awake a thing she used to do with me when I was poorly but that doesn’t work. Getting a bit confused I shove her and take off the blanket.

“C’mon mama Cola has a surprise down stairs.” She still hasn’t moved, I go back to her side and notice that her lips are darker than the usual pinkish plum, taking my time I try opening her eye. “Mama Cola made pancakes; it’s going to get cold.” I run out of the room because somewhere in my 6 year old head it’s finally registered that mom isn’t going to wake up. “Cola!” I scream on the top of my lungs and from down stairs I hear a plate break but he rushes up the stairs 2 by 2 and is now kneeling at my side.

“What is it Ari?” I start crying too afraid to say the words and he’s getting more and more angry by the second because I can’t form the words. “Arianna, what is it.” He shakes me hard and the words just seem to fly straight out of my mouth.

“Mama won’t wake up! I tried everything Collin but she won’t wake up.” He drops me mid shake and it’s my own fault that I hit my head on the wall. He rushed in that room so fast picked up the phone and dialled 911 whilst checking her pulse, even though I doubt he knew what he was doing and closes the door. I’m on my own for what seems like an eternity when these 2 people walk through the door, Paramedics that’s what the pretty woman told me what she was. I watched them take my mom out of the room on a stretcher. I was so confused, but Collin, Collin seemed so, so in control. He picked me up and took me down stairs to eat the cold pancakes and OJ in silence. He was so strong and I never thanked him. I’m so ungrateful.

“Thank you Collin, for everything and I’m sorry I was a pain most of the time.” I take a deep breath and kiss him one last time on his bald head. “Go home, and give mom and dad a big hug for me.” I turn around and walk away, it feels like I’m leaving a part of me with Collin and I just don’t want to go but I know it’s getting late, and I have to stick to the schedule. I’ll be damned if I don’t stick to that schedule.

“I just need to get the death certificate and I’ll be out.”  He nods, kisses my forehead and then gently on my lips before he walks back to the car. Mrs Scott  from what I can see is still in there on her phone, I presume she’s talking to her husband – she helps run his photo studio and he has often admitted that ‘without her I’m missing a limb’. I still don’t know how they keep their relationship strong touching 30 years.

I’m standing at the counter waiting on the police administrator to give me the report and all I can think of is the fact that my big brother is only a few feet away from me but I’ll never be able to talk to him when I need some advice or hug him when I need some comfort, no more Thanksgivings in Florida, no more Christmas, no more birthday parties...

“Miss I just need you to sign here” The very tall woman startles me out of my exclusive sympathy party. She looks at me like I have a wart growing on my nose. “It’s just to say you’ve received the document.” She hands me her pen and I know that this it, its over now, no more Collin, it’s so final. Taking a deep breath I quickly put my signature on the line, take the envelope and rush out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“She seems to be holding up well, Eth.”  The mother says in all fairness.

“I just wish that I could be there for her. She needs someone who’s been there with her right now.” Ethan forcefully brushes away his dark brown hair through his fingers and is pacing the floor of Justin’s studio.

“Justin is here with her Ethan, she isn’t alone.” She watches the couple holding each other in the station.

“It’s not the same ma!” He starts but realises what he was about to say and stops in his tracks. “I- I should get back to the studio.”

“Eth you had your chance. You could’ve told her.”

“Ma it’s not that easy, it wasn’t that easy. We’re best friends.” Well that is true, they were inseparable from the fist day of nursery when Martin Turner pushed her down near the jungle jims Ethan Scott with his Superman cape jumped in to save the damsel in distress, pushing Martin so hard that  the bully ended up near the swings. The were best friends alright even through high school not a lot of guys neared to break their bond, few tried but they all failed.

“Yeah, well you made that choice Ethan you didn’t give her any other option. Justin is on his way back do you need to talk to him about anything?”

“Um I’ll call him later.” Justin shakes his head and returns to the front passenger seat, whilst Ethan’s mother finishes her phone call.

“She’s still pushing me away Yasmine.”

“Hon she’s only trying to be strong, Arianna has this thing about structure and being in control.” She laughs rolling her eyes.

“Yeah isn’t it weird that the thing I love about her is the same thing I hate? I just have to be there for her I guess.” Yasmine looks away nodding her head. “I better call Ethan, tell him she’s ok.”

“I think he’d appreciate that a lot.” The phone rings without an answer. “Eth, I’m sorry I missed you. Just called to say thanks for dropping us at the airport and Ari is doing ok, she’s getting the certificate now. Ok she’s coming out now, I’ll call later.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ethan played the message over again, Justin’s new single ‘You don’t know’ playing in the background, sitting on his chair, in his studio, looking at his picture of his best friend. The thing is that he knew Arianna better than anyone, living that is. He knew that she’d be fighting hard to push everyone away, trying to be organised and in control but it was up to them to force their way in. It would be hard but she has this crazy independent streak that she just can’t break. He contemplated telling Justin this but, why should he interfere in their life? Spacing out  for a second he caught a note that was off and replayed it, if only people knew he wasn’t perfect, no correction if only Arianna knew that he wasn’t perfect then maybe, she would be with him.

“I’m making dinner what do you want?” Ethan nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard his fiancée’s voice certain that she had some mad hero’s power, if he was honest she did look like that Ali Larter.

“Anything I’m not really bothered.” He returns his attention to the record praying that she doesn’t have an evil twin that is going to pop out from the mirror. He shakes his head acknowledging how stupid that sounded, his fiancée a psychotic woman, yeah right, though she did look like she had ‘a little crazy’ in her at times.

“You want talk about the whole Collin?” She starts about to sit down on the sofa in the studio.

“No I just want to finish this thanks, sweetie.” He adds trying to keep on her sweet side.

“Right” Tucking her blonde hair behind her ears she retreats, feeling like she’s fighting a loosing battle with a woman that isn’t even there and doesn’t even know how much power she has over this man that she introduced her to.

We pull out of the house that Collin and his girls called home after hours of many phone calls to friends and extended family members telling them of ‘such a tragic event’ what the hell did they know? Sure they offered their condolences and sympathy but did they really care? Collin and I were always viewed as pawns, means to be used whenever anyone needed money or got in trouble but other than that we were often left to ourselves and up to our own devices. Rarely did we ever get invites to christenings or parties so how dare them after all these years ask if I need help? Fucking hypocrites! Families

It feels so strange driving one of Collin’s cars without his permission but I guess it always beats a rental. You never know what the last person did in that seat, or is it just me? Waiting at the traffic light I look over at Justin who’s turned on the radio and is currently humming to ‘Miss Independent’ I secretly think he wishes he made that song.

A wave of sickness washes over me out of nowhere as Collin’s lifeless features drown every other thought running through my brain, the way his olive skin looked drained of all colour or that lone blood spot bellow his lip, telling me that he must’ve spewed up blood before he died. God what were his last words? Was he alone? Was he afraid? The loud car horns send a jolt straight through me bringing me back to this present moment. I speed off, just realising that the light is about to change to red again.

“Babe do you want me to drive, you know I don’t mind. You’ve had a lot to deal with today.” This is the 4th time in the space of 10 minutes that Justin has asked me that same question and my answer still hadn’t changed. Why does he feel he has to baby me? It feels so patronising. I’m trying to avoid an argument so I smile sweetly and shake my head. The last thing I need is a fight before I pick up Kayla, she’s so sensitive especially now, I don’t think anyone has had the heart to explain to her that ‘daddy isn’t coming home’. I pull up to the curb and almost immediately notice that Justin has gone pale and is starting to rub the palm of his hands on his jeans.

“We need to move.” He blurts out just as I’ve opened my door, it takes me by surprise and I hate him for that because I’m not prepared for it. I haven’t even finished finalising my brother’s funeral and now he wants us to move, why would he want us to move? He just finished his studio, his ‘master piece’ as he likes to call it.

“What? Justin you just finished the studio, why do you want to move?” He gives me this perplexed look, like I should know the answer is obvious.

“Um we live in a 4 bedroom house.” A huge 4 bedroom house might I add.

“No way” I respond dryly. I can’t help being sarcastic sometimes, it’s my thing. “Justin this isn’t a time to be joking we need to speak to Alana’s principal.”

“Ari, what’re we doing when the funeral is over? The girls need stability, they need their family and” he stops realising I’m mentally berating myself, how could that have slipped me?

“I-Jus that’s a lot of responsibility, it’s not fair on you.” And I really don’t think I’m equipped to deal with my nieces I don’t think I’m that mom type.

“Arianna get a grip!” Ouch that hurt, I guess I asked for that. “Ali and Kay are a part of your life and because they’re a part of your life they have to be part of mine. I want this now stop, we’re moving.”

“J we just got the house the way we want it.” It’s true it took us all of 4 months to find the perfect house after he asked me to move in with him. God I was so young, Collin hated the idea from day one. He thought I’d be ‘the live in sex toy’ I didn’t speak to him for weeks after he said that, but he soon relaxed, dad didn’t mind so, why should he? Our house is perfect, it’s close enough to the old studio and only 30 minutes drive to my office and most of all its quiet, away from all the noise of the city and the prying eyes that just don’t give us a break. The rooms are finally the right shade of cream or white, or whatever colour his crazy interior designer decided to put on the wall and the tiles- that we spent weeks arguing over finally look right.

“Will you let me do this” He shakes his head leaving me in the car, it takes me a minute to realise that this man is prepared to ‘settle’ into a family role so easily because of me. I don’t deserve him.

“I just figured Chanel would take them.” I’m beside him and he shakes his head squeezing my neck playfully.

“Right, because we know how to get in touch with her” Justin seems shocked at the size of the school that Alana and Kayla attend. I must admit the first time I was asked to pick them up I got lost but Collin being the great father that he is, was (I have to get use to that) would be ‘damned if his babies didn’t get a good start in life’, hence the reason why he was paying $10,000 each for their private education.

“Chanel’s parents should know.”

“No.” He says simply as we gather our thoughts standing in front of the principal’s office.

She says all the same things my old principal said to me, it’s like they have some sort of script that they have to say to all parents (oh God I’m a parent? I’m only 25 –shit!) ‘Alana is smart, outgoing, polite, when she wants to be and has all the potential in the world to be an excellent student, IF she applied herself.’ Mrs. Lopez blames her friends as a bad influence and then pulls out a file with offences that my sweet niece, Alana has committed- kissing Craig Timmons underneath the stairs, (I’m sure Collin had a heart attack with that one she’s only 11) several malicious notes in the girl’s bathroom, talking back to teachers, swearing, failure to complete home work and failure to attend class. Justin seems uncomfortable, and we’re both suddenly aware of the enormous challenge we’re about to take on.

“We” He uses his hands to circle the both of us. “Arianna and I are taking Ali and Kay back with us to LA after the funeral. Do you have a sister school out there?” Mrs Lopez’s cheeks went beet root red, I’m sure she can now officially boast that ‘THE Justin Timberlake spoke to her’. She saucily gets up from her chair and although I don’t think Justin noticed she has a cute sway going on, it’s a lucky thing I’m not a jealous girl, most of the time.

“We actually just finished signing off on a partnership with a sister school, Saint Christopher’s’.” She pulls out the beige folder and hands it to me. “I’ll talk to Sister Mary about Alana’s arrival. They’re doing the same syllabus so she won’t have anything to worry about, unfortunately you’ll have to find a nursery for little Kayla, they don’t accept pupils until they’re 5 but we’ll put you on the waiting list.” This woman can talk, there is nothing more that I think she could say to me at this point, I just want to see Ali and Kay and she; as much as she’s helping is in my way. “And Kayla oh she is just a darling, always helping Mrs Arnolds, she’ll be an asset to whichever nursery she goes to.” We remain quiet trying to be polite as she continues her monologue about ‘how wonderful Collin was on the PTA and how much he’ll be missed’, I swear I’m trying hard not to breaking down but I can’t help it every time I blink I see my brother’s lifeless body on that cold slab of metal.

Justin is the first to stand bringing the conversation to a stop he politely shakes Mrs. Lopez’s hand and we follow the principal to Alana’s homeroom. I’m not sure how she’ll respond to me, but right now my stomach is doing about 50 flips per second as we stop at the door. Ali and I have always had a great relationship, I was the first person to see her after she was born, every chance I got I’d babysit my little niece. Being only 14 at the time, I thought I was so responsible taking care of a baby, changing diapers, bathing, feeding and taking Ali to the park were all highlights of my week. Mrs Lopez tells us to wait by the door as she goes in to get Alana. Praying that I see at least a glimpse of a smile I’m somewhat disappointed when she storms out of the room and hardly acknowledges either of us.

“Hey Ali” Justin smiles ruffling her curly hair as we once again follow Mrs Lopez to pick up Kayla.

“Justin Arianna.” She says coldly she doesn’t seem to be coping well and it’s just as well that we’re going to be speaking with Dr. Moody about bereavement strategies. Maybe she might even touch on abandonment issues. I’m not surprised though Ali had started to change a lot after Chanel left them.

We wait by the door for Kayla to come out. From inside I can hear her little voice as she rushes up to Mrs Lopez, quickly puts away her blocks and rushes out the door throws her bag onto the floor and jumps into Justin’s arms giving him a huge hug, I’ll only admit this to myself but I was a little jealous by Kayla’s reaction.

“Hey baby.” I smile, trying desperately to put on a brave face. My hands are instantly drawn to her untamed curls as I try to smooth them over.

“Auntie Ari are you going to taking us to daddy now?” How do I explain to my 3 year old niece that her father is dead? Everything in me is screaming yes, ‘I’m just picking you up’ but that’s wrong right? False expectations and all, but those brown eyes, how can I say no to her? Justin gently places her into the car seat and dashes to the driver’s side before I have a chance to argue.

“Guys are you hungry?” He asks trying to put on the same happy go lucky Justin that people often see in the interview, somehow I don’t think Ali is buying it as she stuffs her  IPod in her ears.

“Guys can you turn off the TV, Justin and I need to talk to you.” We walk into the family room where the girls were busy watching Hannah Montana. I look over at Ali who has just curled her legs on the sofa; she seems so stressed, like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. She’s only 11 she shouldn’t have to contend with the death of her father and the loss of her mother, it’s not fair. I mean it wasn’t fair for me at only 6 but at least I had dad this definitely isn’t fair on her now. Kayla seems so oblivious to the situation around her, even though Dr. Moody explained to her that she wouldn’t see Collin again, she just stared blankly at the therapist and said ‘Like mommy’. It broke my heart to think that my 3-year-old niece thought that Collin left her voluntarily, like that bitch. She hasn’t even made an effort to contact us-I mean what am I suppose to do in this situation? Everything is happening so fast and I think it’s stating to take its toll on our relationship.

Justin tries to keep his distance from me as he sits on the leather chair at the opposite end of the room and I can still feel the tension between us, even after I’ve said sorry. At this point I’d miss a heartbeat if he’d just hold me close, but he doesn’t- not that I blame him. I have been quite moody but I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, even before all this. I can instantly see the stacks of files building up on my desk and the amount of hours it’ll take me to read them. I clear my throat and try to sound in control of the situation but as I open my mouth I’m almost at the verge of tears. ‘Get a grip, Arianna’ I shake myself and start again.

Justin almost sensing the tears gets up from his distant seat and pulls me down on the large couch with him, which makes Kayla laugh and immediately the tension is gone between us. I love that about us. We have these wipe out moments where we clean the slate and start fresh, it’s what keeps us going.

“Girls your Auntie and I have to ask you some important questions.” Justin hugs my waist tightly.

“We know that you’re young but we want you to make some mature decisions.” I add allowing Justin to take the lead on this situation.

“So Grand-ma Carter gave us some options for living arrangements for you guys. So pay close attention ok. Option one Ali she wants you to go live with her while Kayla you go live with Uncle Jared and Auntie Tina or...” He paused trying to gauge Alana’s response but she just looks blankly at us so Justin continues. “Or Ali you can go live with Uncle Jamie and Uncle James and Kayla you can live with Grand-ma Carter.”

“I don’t care.” Alana replies coldly and turns up the volume but Kayla seems confused.

“We haven’t finished yet.” I whisper and for a moment I see a glimmer of hope on Ali’s face, she isn’t all lost after all I reassure myself.

“Or you guys can come live with us in LA” he smiled squeezing me even tighter “together.” Kayla’s mood instantly changes and is jumping on the coach like her favourite show is about to start.

“We get to stay together?” She sings.

“Only if you want to.” I bite my lip praying that they want to. As much as I know how hard this situation is going to be, I’d be damned if I never did the best I could for them, even if it means quitting Burnley & Co, I’d gladly move back to Florida for them and start over.

“I want to live with you!” Shouted Kayla jumping into Justin’s arms and resting her tiny legs on my lap, this is the family I guess.

“Ali what do you want to do?” I giggle kind of hoping she’d be excited too.

“I said I don’t care. LA or Florida it’s still going to be shit.” I’m shocked to say the least but I knew Alana had a dirty mouth I just didn’t think she would use it with us, that’s stupid I know swearing is swearing but I’d never think about swearing in front of my father, not if I valued my life, I didn’t.

“Alana you cannot continue swearing.” Justin said calmly but sternly.

“You’re not my fucking father!” She shouted storming up the stairs and slamming her bedroom door.

“Kayla baby can you go up to your bed room your Auntie and I need to talk” She grabbed his shirt refusing to let go.

“C’mon Kayla we’ll be two minutes ok. Please we just need to talk.”

“I’ll cork my ears” Bless her little heart she pressed her tiny hands to her ears. “See I can’t hear.” She shouts emphasising the fact that she really couldn’t hear.

“She” Justin stops me, picking Kayla up and putting her into her bedroom returning a few seconds later.

“We need to be consistent with both of them.” And my heart flutters as I watch a new paternal side of Justin starting to develop right in front of my eyes it’s kind of sexy if I’m honest, who knew he had a little mother hen in him.

“Right sorry” I whisper resting my body on his stomach. We’re silent as we just breath and it’s almost weird that or breathing comes in sync with each other.

“Oh right” He jumps causing me to miss a breath “so- I spoke to Trace, he found a great place in West Hollywood a 5 bedroom 8 bathroom house”

“West Hollywood J c’mon that’s crazy money plus I love the neighbourhood we live in now, it’s so quiet.” That and I really can’t be bothered to repack all of our possessions on my own like I did last time. Oh no, I don’t think I’ll forget that bit anytime soon. He asked me to move in with him about the same time he decided to move wanting a studio for himself forgetting the small detail of his European leg of the tour. I spent the good part of 2 weeks wrapping, boxing, labelling and unpacking BOTH our stuff. Not to mention his secret stash of porn that he so craftily hid in the DVD cabinet. When will they learn? I wasn’t planning on doing the packing and unpacking routine again any time soon, not if I could help it I wouldn’t. 

“Ari it’s only 22 and the girls need their own room.” I know he didn’t mean 22 million.

“Do we have to move?” I whine I know it’s not a good look on me but at this point I’ll do just about anything. There is no way I want to move into the middle of shutterbug central.

“Ari-the girls need their own rooms, Ali is getting to that age when she needs her own space and when mom comes to visit she needs a room and a spare just in case a visitor stops by.”

“Your studio is finally complete baby and the time it takes to the office every morning- West Hollywood is like...” I’m controlling the situation again but I really don’t see the need to move to a photo booth part of the city and spend an additional $4 mill on a house, well mostly him but I guess I’ll be chipping in too damn it.

“You really don’t want to move?” He knits his eyebrows together trying to read the expression on my face.

“Baby I hate even the idea. Plus we have the girls to think about, I don’t want their pictures plastered on every magazine.” I can almost see the elaborate titles above our pictures, ‘the not so pretty family portrait’ digging through the trash for Ali’s report cards, oh the field day they’ll have with that. “Wouldn’t it be better if we just put maybe an extension on the east wing of the house?”

“Oh” he smiles and I know he wishes he thought about that because he smiles even harder kissing my forehead. “Yeah that is actually a good idea. I’ll get some contractors on it. Maybe even an extra-extra room.” He rubs my stomach and I brush his hands away quickly knowing what it means.

“J- We’re going to have our hands full with Ali as it is a baby is the last thing we should be thinking of and I refuse to be knocked up without a ring.” That sounds very hypocritical because I don’t believe in marriage but I also have very strong conservative values, blame that on my dad- I think.

“Is that right? Well we already have children.”

He laughs but the mood is already ruined by the remembrance of the disaster of finalising Collin’s funeral arrangements, trying to arrange legal guardianship for both girls praying that no one contests it as well as trying to maintain an already fragile relationship. Yes Justin and I have been together for over 3 years now but we’re still trying to find the ‘groove’ as he likes to call it and children will always put a strain on any relationship. I know that sounds selfish but it’s the honest truth. I’d never leave those girls destitute but this is definitely going to be hard- but at least I’m semi prepared, nothing can get any worse that what it is already right?

“We can do this Ari. C’mon this is me and you, remember team unstoppable.” He wouldn’t make me live down that sugar rush while watching Disney one night.

“Justin- we’re too young. We hardly have time to take care of Bailey and Sheba- 2 children?”

“Arianna I don’t think we really have a choice at this point unless you really want Ali and Kay to stay with Mrs Carter and that twisted son of hers.”

“I know separating them isn’t going to be an option- so hopefully everyone will see the sense of the girls staying with us.”

I take a quick glance over to the man that I have shared everything with for the last 3 years and for a second it feels as if we’re parents. I notice a look of worry wash over Justin. Though he doesn’t realise that I’ve seen it he quickly suppresses it and rubs my shoulder instinctively, trying to push that thought, whatever it is away from his cool exterior.

“What is it baby?” Curiosity getting the better of me- I try and figure out what could scare him. He looks at me ad smiles trying to brush it off by planting a gentle kiss on m forehead and then returns his attention to the commentator’s analysis of some jump shot- that I have yet to understand. “Justin c’mon what is it- you know that I won’t stop annoying you til’ you answer me”  

“The courts- aren’t they going to take into account both our professions are hectic?”

“Yeah but I mean its in Collin’s Will, he wants me...at least to take care of his girls ‘should anything go wrong’.”

“Yeah well it did. How are we going to protect them from this crazy ass life? It’s no even like they have a choice in this matter- I mean is that fair on them? Ari they never asked to be Justin and Arianna’s daughters. What’s going to stop people from trying to get close to Kay to get to us?”

“I know J, but...we just have to trust that the girls are smarter than that.”

“Yeah- well hopefully it won’t have to come to that.” He mumbles returning his attention to the screen directly in front of him and once again I’m the one left with these stupid and random thoughts. 

I can feel him slipping away further and further. I can’t understand why I’m sitting here not motivated to do something maybe get things back to the way they were, when everything was brand new, when those butterflies would keep me up at night waiting for his call. When he needed me like I need air, but it seems like we somehow agreed to this- I don’t know what to call it but emptiness.

I’m trying hard to love him, trying hard to see past this stranger that I share a bed with and get back to the man that I fell in love with. I guess it was inevitable. Our friends always warned us about this honey moon period wearing off, but we...well at least I didn’t think it could happen. Well not at least now. I thought our love would fight any adversity that it came up against- and for a while it did but I never imagined that our love would be compromised by my family- I don’t even want to say it out loud.

Since the girls moved in and the whole getting them acclimatised to their new environment took so long, not to mention the constant phone calls from Alana’s school telling us how ‘evil’ she was targeting my little niece as a problem child. Sister Maria even went as far as recommending an exorcist for her, for me that was the final straw, Justin and I transferred her to a closer school to our house. After that we just let things go.  I guess we just allowed everything to just drain us. The few months that we had together before Justin needed to be on set was a constant war of wills. The blame game on the ‘correct’ way to bring up children being a constant contention

Even before he left, Justin’s late nights were starting to take a toll on us. It’s like he wanted to be anywhere but here- and to make it worse Kayla couldn’t stop talking about him. “When is uncle coming home? Why can’t I go with Justin? I want JUSTIN to put me to sleep.” It’s hard! I don’t want to sound selfish, but I guess I’m just a bit jealous of the relationship that Justin and Kayla have. I mean I’m the one who has to wake up 2 hours earlier so that she can be ready for school, I have to make sandwiches, pull out clothes, comb her hair make sure that she brushes her teeth properly, cart her around the place, nursery, dance class, park, tennis lessons and friends who never live just around the corner. Why Justin and not me? I know that I sound jealous and I was probably the same way at 3, but I really feel under appreciated.

Not to mention these pesky files, reports and monitoring that we have to endure to determine if both Justin and I are suitable guardians; on top of my ever growing client’s cases. At the moment I’m just getting by with just reading the cover reports and getting exactly what my clients want, but that’s just not good enough for me- I hate the feeling of the possibility of missing something important when I get into negotiation but- AH the smell of burning rice pulls me back to the current task.

“Shit!” I whisper remembering that Kayla is in the living room watching Sponge Bob. Quickly turning off the stove I mentally curse myself at how stupid I had to be to burn the rice at 5 when the dinner needed to be on the plate in the next 15 minutes. Just then Ally walks into the kitchen with her I-pod attached to her ears.

“When’s dinner ready?” She mumbles searching the cupboard and pulling out a pop tart from the foil eating the untoasted snack.

“What do you want to eat?” I whisper hoping that she won’t notice the slight smell of burning rice in the kitchen.

“Anything that isn’t burnt- and I hate rice. Daddy doesn’t cook rice for us unless its brown but YOU wouldn’t know that would you.” Her words cut me I only want to be perfect for them but it’s so hard.

“Sorry, I’ll throw it away. I mean I burnt it anyway. So what do you guys want to eat for dinner?” Trying to ignore the pang of guilt tumbling in my stomach

“Mac Ds!” Kayla shouts above the already loud TV. “Fried Chicken and mash” Ally mumbles returning her attention to her I pod.  

 “Right go put on some shoes we’ll go grab some food and bring it back but you guys have to be good we have Belinda coming to watch us tonight.”

“How much is it worth to you?” I can’t say that I’m up with the teen mood swings but I’m some what confused at how Ally  can be moody one minute and happy the next; I guess that’s when she gets her way. We pile into the car and I make a pit stop at the Popeye’s for Ally before going across town to Mac Ds. I know its really a bad start to parenting allowing them to have what they want but I feel like that its the only way that they’ll like me. Justin doesn’t have that problem they already love him- but me I have to work so hard for their love.

“Can we play in the ball pit please Auntie Ari?”

“Kayla- we have to be home soon.” I try to explain to the year old that we have appointments but I don’t think she cares at this point as the tears threaten to slip form her tiny eyes.

“I want to play in the pit.”

“SHUT UP KAYLA WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE A BABY!” Shouts Alana I think that throws her even further and now she start to cry “I’m not a baby!” on the top of her lungs.

“Ok Kay you come with me when I go in to buy the kid’s meal you can go play until its ready ok?” Instantly she stops and I have a really bad feeling that I’ve just been played.

I finally pry Kayla away from the ball pit 15 minutes later only to be greeted by the paparazzi waiting outside taking the girls’ pictures, and I instantly know that when Justin and Belinda find out about the junk food run I’m going to get a severe telling off from them both.

“Who are these kids Arianna?” Asks one dirty guy with an over grown beard

“Have you adopted them?” 

“Ooh she’s sweet- how old is she?” I was absolutely shocked that this old man would talk about my nieces in such a disrespectful manner. I quickly picked up Kayla placing her in the car seat, while the men continued to take their pictures. “Hey sweetie what’s your name?” He asked Alana, while taking her picture.

“Get in the car Ali!” I shout shooting the photographer a death glare.

“Ooh Ali sweet name!” Slamming the door I return my attention to the pervert that was talking to Ali a few seconds ago.

“Stay away from her do you hear me?” He mocks me and snaps my angry expression.

“I’m just doing my job sweet thing.” I shake my head and speed off praying that some major celebrity gets sent into rehab- selfish I know but I have to protect them.

The drive back was uneventful but the girls seem to be more quiet than usual.

“Auntie Ari?” Asks Kayla as we pile into the house.

“Yes sweetie?”

“Why were those men taking pictures of us? Did we do something naughty?” I choose my words carefully wishing Justin was here to help me explain but I guess I’m on my own for this one.

“No we weren’t naughty, but sometimes because- you’re so special they want to know what you and Ali are doing. Especially since Uncle Justin sings.”

“So...” I can see the wheels turning in her little 3 year old brain spinning. “So- why were they being mean to us?” Even I don’t know that answer all I can do is kiss her gently trying to avoid the question.

“Let’s get ready for bed shall we?” As if by magic the little girl forgets all about the nasty old men has vanished from her memory.

That night after explaining to an understanding Belinda about the paparazzi incident I decided to go to bed as Justin would more than likely be asleep after a long day on the set. I’m however somewhat surprised when the phone rings at 3 am waking me from my sleep.

“What were you thinking- Kayla and Ali are all over the news stands.”He throws the news paper on the floor briefly looking at the others stacked on the right of his desk in his room for the next few weeks. I’m a little taken aback at his tone, no warm hello, no how are you doing?

“I burnt dinner...I’m sorry.”

“Arianna you have to do better than this. We haven’t even released a statement to the press about the girls yet.” He says in a hoarse tune, knowing that he was probably mad with fear and anger after hearing what the photographer said to Ali.

“I’m so sorry.” I repeat.

“I’ll be home next week please can you try and keep them away from the press as much as possible. They’re saying that they’re my children from a previous relationship.” I only imagine him pinching his temple to relieve some of the building tension in his body.

“Oh yeah that makes sense, you’d have had to be like 16 when you got whoever pregnant.” I laugh trying to ease the mood.

“Well they aren’t lying they are our children.”I try to remain quiet not wanting to admit it yet; I don’t think I’ve still come to terms with my brother’s murder, even though many explained that I would after the funeral. It’s been 3 months and I still don’t believe it, I sometimes find myself picking up the phone to call him for my weekly update but then remember he isn’t around. “Ari” He shouts my name and I know that I’ve missed the best part of a conversation.

“Sorry J- I’ll try harder I promise. I’m just tired can I call you in the morning?”

“Get some sleep- I’ll be home soon.”

“I love you.” I whisper trying to test the level of anger

“Bye.” I guess that answers it he never hangs up without saying I love you. I guess I’m in the dog house for the rest of the week.