I watch as more alcohol is brought to the VIP part of the club. A group of people have the room packed as the world has just stopped just for us. A couple of guys are smoking a joint across from me and the four red walls surrounding me seem to be closing in. It occurs to me that this is not at all possible, but just like all the other fleeting thoughts I have had since injecting myself with some sort of substance, I push it away. Girls half naked crawl over men twice their age and me in hopes of some fame rubbing off on them, or at least a fifty dollar bill in their barely there skirts.

I go in and out of consciousness as the illicit drug runs through my body like a house catching fire. At least if I do die, I hope to go down in history the way every legend before me did and have survived in our hearts and radios. Although my death won’t be a result of my creative yet insane mind taking over like Kurt Cobain or made my mark like Keith Moon, I hope that someone out there would mourn my loss from this world forever other than my family and Trace.

A pair of arms grab me from my comfortable position on the couch that I was taking up and I hope to God that it’s someone I know and not a band of groupies. Someone tell my mom I love her. The haze of the drug starts to really take affect and I drift off into unconsciousness. At least there I’m understood.

_______________________________________________________________

I walk into the arena, the Tweeter Center in Boston. My high heels hit the floor and make a clicking sound on the floor as I walk through security and am greeted my a girl carrying the new blackberry. She extends her hand in greetings and I put my hand out to shake hers, “Hi, I’m Gia. You must be Bethany.”

I take a deep breath and force a smile, “Yes, nice to meet you.”

“You won’t be saying that later.” Gia says, searching in her purse for something. The purse is practically the size of a beach bag and is overflowing with more paperwork than should ever be carried at one person. She’s a walking fire hazard.

Gia hands me a blackberry identical to the one in her hand and gives it to me, “This is your new life line, believe me. The phone numbers and e-mail address you need are already stored in the phone so you don’t have to worry about that.”

I give the phone a once over and put it in my own bag, “Okay, thanks.”

“Alright, follow me. Now this is his dressing room to my right.” Gia says, gesturing to the door with his name printed on a piece of paper stuck on the door.

I make a mental note of where it is so at least I can get some sort of bearings where I am in accordance with where I have to go in order to do my job. I continue to follow Gia as she gives me details at about a mile a minute, “Now Justin is a typical celebrity, so don’t expect the royal treatment with him. I swear sometimes that man pms’s out on people when the least expect it.”

Great, that’s exactly what I need. Gia stops abruptly and I almost slam in to her. She turns around to face me and leans back against the door, “Okay, remember to breathe, answer is complete sentences but mostly just do what he asks you. I will meet you after your day is over, whenever Justin calls it a day, were sharing a hotel room since I’m Justin’s manager’s assistant.”

Well at least I have someone to talk to if I need to. She opens the door and the smell of pot fills the air. I realize right away that this job is not going to be like my last client, Keith Urban. He had given up drugs long before I was hired. Gia gives me an apologetic look before beckoning me to follow her. We walk through the room until we see a few people gathered around a couch doing drugs and drinking. Gia clears her throat and five girls and two guys, one of whom needs no introduction, look up at me, “This is Bethany Addison, your new personal assistant. Bethany, this is Justin Timberlake and his friend Trace Ayala who will be with Justin most times.”

Justin nods his head at me, or it could be a spasm from the way he looks, glazed over and incoherent, “Now Justin, you have a concert tomorrow so I suggest you not ruin your voice.”

Justin snickers as does Trace. Sweat beads up on their faces and drips off slowly. These guys are a walking advertisement of why kids should stay in school. I swallow but my mouth is dry as Gia gives me a little push forward, “Okay, well I’ll leave you guys to get acquainted.”

________________________________________________________________

At least she’s hotter than my last assistant I think, letting my eyes go over her body slowly. I watch as she shifts uncomfortable under my gaze. One of the girls next to me attaches her mouth to the side of my neck and I forget about… whatever her name is as I close my eyes in contentment. The girl climbs into my lap and I start to grope her, enjoying the attention this girl is paying me. Trace’s voice comes through the fog and address the girl, “You can go get some lunch, if we need you we’ll have someone page you.”

The girl hits the spot and I fade out, letting her do her thing. I open my eyes once more to see a look of disgust on what’s her name as she leaves. If this bothers her, I’m going to need a new assistant by next week.

Get me water, I want beer, call my massage therapist, get me food, fix this shirt. That was the summarization of my first day on the job. Not one thank you, can you or please. I rub my feet with cream as I sit on my bed, slowly running my hands over them and massaging the blisters. In the five years I have been working as a personal assistant I have never had my feet hurt so much. Note to self-wear sneakers tomorrow. I wanted to look professional on my first day, but I have a feeling that I would have been treated better had I worn a thong and gone topless. Fuck the shoes.

The door to the hotel room opens and Gia comes into the room and smiles at me sitting on the bed. Her face gives a sympathetic look towards me and puts her bag down on the chair, “How was your first day?”

I look up from my aching feet and try to suck it up, “Fine.”

“He was a chauvinistic pig wasn’t he?”

Okay, enough of the pretending. It’s not like she doesn’t know what he’s like; the trick is just to end on a high note.

“Yeah, but I guess that’s how most celebrities males are. I have only worked with John Mayer in his early days and Keith Urban so I am just not used to big celebrities like him. Both Keith and John were popular when I worked with them, but it’s nothing to the extent that Justin’s fame.”

Gia sits down in the chair and removes her shoes, “Bullshit. That man has got to be the worst I have ever worked for. And I have worked for a lot of celebrities.”

I get up and grab the half of my tuna sandwich from lunch, unwrapping the plastic wrap around it, “Why does he do that?”

“So you do think about running away screaming.”

I bite my lip and smile a little. I can tell this girl is going to be fun to work with. At least this job has one perk.

Gia shrugs, “Bad experience with a previous girlfriend I guess.”

So I guess I’m dealing with damaged goods. I pop a grape into my mouth and offer some to Gia. She smiles and takes a few from my hand, “Thanks. You know, out of all the personal assistants Justin has had over the last few years, you are my favorite.”

I look at her curiously, “You have known me a matter of hours and you can determine that already?”

Gia nods, “Your not power hungry. Most people come in here and act all high and mighty, barely talking to anyone in hopes that they might get the next person’s job. You came in here and were totally different from the others. You came here to do your job and I respect that.”

“Thanks. So how many assistants has Justin gone through?”

Gia grabs two sodas from the mini fridge, “In the last two years, Justin has gone through fifteen.”

“Fifteen?” My eyes get big and I’m surprised their not popping out of my head. I don’t think Motley Crue went through that many assistants.

She hands me a soda and plops down onto the bed with me, “He likes to put the likes of you through hell and back. Just wait until he starts asking you to pick up family size boxes of condoms, cut up his food or asking you to make sure the girl he sleeps with tonight disappears tomorrow morning.”

I push my hair back with my hand, hoping that it doesn’t look half as disheveled as I feel. My body aches from running around all day while carrying everything that Justin needed during the day, yet never ended up using. My arms gave out holding his shit at about two in the afternoon and continued to hold them until ten tonight. I really thought that my arms were going to fall off. Only later did I come to find out that one of the bags I had to carry had to twenty pound weights in them just in case he needed to exercise. Oh yeah, you heard correctly.

“So how old are you anyway?” Gia asks.

“Twenty five, you?”

“Twenty eight. My dad wanted me to me a doctor, but I started doing concert events with my friend when I was eighteen, which eventually lead to being an assistant for road managers which led me to Johnny, Justin’s manager.”

I take a sip of my soda, letting the liquid slide down my throat easily, quenching my thirst, “I took this job so I could be around the music.”

Gia smiles, “Are you some sort of groupie or something?”

“No, not in the least. I don’t idolize those who sing, I relish in their music. Normally I pick people whose music I love, but I really didn’t have a choice this year. I needed a tour that ended in September so I could move around freely after that to take care of some things. Justin’s is the only tour that ends in early September this year.”

“I know. We started the tour early this year in order to end it early.”

I finish up my sandwich and tuck my legs underneath my body, yawning as I look at the clock which reads one twenty three.

Gia gives me a pat on the back and heads to her adjoining room, “Listen, in the famous words of Scarlett O’Hara, tomorrow is another day. Get some sleep.”

I roll my eyes, “Scarlett O’Hara was a piece of cake to deal with compared to Justin Timberlake.” ________________________________________________________________The

The girl stands at a distance from me, as though she's trying to keep from contracting anything I might be carrying. She has a judgmental look in her eyes and every time she answers me, her voice in laced with resentment. Hey, feel free to go babe, I can replace you with a snap of my fingers. That might have something to do with making her carry my weights around, but then again, it was just fun to watch.

Might as well as put her to go use, “Go get me some something to eat.” I say in her direction.

“What would you like?” she says way too sweetly.

I give her an equally condescending smile and snap, “Surprise me.”

Her shoulders drop in exhaustion and leave to go find me something. Once she’s gone, I take a bag of powder out of the pocket of my jacket. I put some on the table and start sniffing away. I take a gasp for air as my chest heaves, but then my body relaxes and I lay back against the chair.

The girl comes back with something on a plate and tries to hand it to me, but I can see three of her standing there and I’m not sure which one to take the plate from. After about a minute of deciding which one is really there I give up, I’m not that hungry anyway. I hear her voice coming at me, but it’s kind of jumbled, like when someone talks to you and you’re underwater. Finally the three of her returns to one and I can actually understand what she’s saying.

“Are you okay?”

Hell yes baby, “Great.”

I watch her bite her tongue as she sets the food in front of me and goes sit down. Johnny comes in the lounge area and I smile as he comes over to me, “Dude.”

Johnny laughs, “Boy do you look good.”

Johnny turns to the girl who is looking at us and lowers his voice, gesturing to her, “New piece of ass?”

I laugh, not in a million years, “Naw, new assistant. Um… Brenda.” I say as she comes over, thinking that she will probably be running errands for him as well over the course of this tour.

Johnny shakes her hand, “Nice to meet you Brenda.”

She looks at me like I’m an idiot, “Actually it’s Bethany and it’s nice to meet you.”

Brenda, Bethany. What’s the difference? Nothing at all.

Johnny pats my leg as I chills start to cover my body, taking over my ability to move, “Lay off that shit until after your concert. You need to be able to actually move your lips to the song.”

“That’s not all I have to move.” I mumble.

Bethany moves to the door when a banging can be heard from someone’s fist pounding on it, which makes my head ache and I scream, “Get the fucking door!”

Bethany jumps a little and opens the door, allowing Trace to come in, unfazed by the fact that Bethany is as white as a ghost.

“Dude, there are some groupies hanging out in the hallway, we should totally go pick them up and blow their minds.” He grins.

I try to stand up, but my legs buckle underneath me. Trace grabs my arm before I hit the ground and laughs, “I thought I told you to wait until I was here to get strung out with you.”

I see Bethany move towards me as I fell, but she backs off when Trace catches me. She sits at the edge of her seat as if ready to jump at a moments notice for a doctor. She would be better off calling the funeral home than a doctor.

I move back to the chair carefully with Trace’s help, “I couldn’t wait that long.”

“That’s okay, we’ll bring the girls to us. Hey you, go get those girls in the hall.” Trace says to Bethany.

Boy does she look happy. She walks outside and then opens the door as some girls come running in and hang on us. It’s going to be a long day.

When I’m on stage, everything’s right. I focus on what I am really, truly good at. It’s the one thing that has always made sense to me. No one can describe the feeling that comes over you when the lights come down and hit you, awaiting your performance. It’s like being able to breathe freely again, if only for a short period of time.

Then it ends and everything goes back to the way it was.

It doesn't hurt me.
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?

It's you and me.
And if I only could
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,

Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
So if I could, oh

My security team brings me one of the girls from the crowd who’s breasts are practically falling out of the shirt she’s wearing, if you can call it that. Blonde and giggling, this girl shoves herself against me, grinding against my body. I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and take a swig, handing her the bottle in an attempt for an ice breaker. Though I probably don’t need one since this girl would spread her legs right this second if I asked her too, it helps to loosen her up that much more. She takes a long sip and lunges for me.

I am already high and this girl is taking me to a whole different level. It’s better than dealing with reality. We slam our bodies into the wall as we wait for someone to open the elevator since it requires a access code to work it.

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts.
There's so much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
It's you and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God, And let him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...

“Are we going to your room or what?” the girl moans.

“Fuck yes, as soon as someone opens it. Don’t worry, there will be someone here soon.” I gasp as she feels me up.

Someone walks up and enters the code and I push the girl into the elevator with me. I slip my hands underneath the girl’s skirt and finally the elevator stops at our level. We continue to make out and I look up as she opens the hotel room for us, “Barbra?”

She doesn’t even look at me as she walks away, “It’s Bethany.”

You,
It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy
. C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."

I know that I have practically given other assistants a peep show and it has never bothered me who saw or what gender they were. But somehow, I care. None of them have ever been disgusted with me, rather fascinated by the glamorous life I lead.

I feel… Oh I don’t how I feel. Or rather I do and don’t want to admit it. I shake my head in an effort to make myself stop thinking about this shit and I pull the girl into the room with me, slamming the door closed.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And let him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And let him to swap our places, comfortable
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.

Placebo- Running Up That Hill

I went to bed as soon as I was free of work. After the lovely porno in the elevator, I really needed a nice and long night’s sleep. I did everything I could to keep from getting sick right there and then. Gia was already asleep when I checked into the hotel room so I didn’t have to come in with a happy face. I fell asleep the immediately and was supremely disappointed when I felt Gia shake me awake, “Rise and shine brown eyes. You have a cd signing to get to today.”

I rolled over in bed onto my back and look up at Gia, who has a humorous look on her face, “He brought a girl back to his room didn’t he?”

I cover my face with my hands, “It’s that obvious huh?”

I hear Gia laugh as she moves from the side of the bed, “I had the very same look on my face when I was exposed to his transgressions for the first time. In time it won’t even faze you.”

I sit up in bed, “Doesn’t that kind of thing worry you? It’s like your being indoctrinated and told this is how life is and we should accept it when in our hearts we know how wrong this is. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be those girls who thought they were getting the fairy tale being with him and come to find out in the morning it’s anything but.”

Gia pulls on her boots, “It’s rough for them. Occasionally you’ll see a girl hysterically crying when he finishes with her and it does cause you to wonder what they expected with a celebrity, but that comes with the job. The trick is to deal with it, not accept it I think.”

I rub my eyes tiredly and head for the bathroom to take a quick shower. I’m out within five minutes and pull my hair up into a pony tail before running down and waiting in the lobby. I check my blackberry for the stop we have to make today as I ingest a breakfast sandwich. I’m used to eating on the run and Dunkin Doughnuts and McDonalds is a must for breakfast on the run. I always grab something with egg for the protein to keep me going all day since stops are rare unless the celebrity in question requests a stop.

I tap my foot to the pounding beat coming from the speakers above my head when I see two security guards escorting a young girl from the building. The men stand on either side of her and as they pass me the girl makes eye contact with me. It’s the same girl from last night, only lust no longer is found in her brown eyes. Hurt and shame replace the previous night’s facial features and as our eyes meet, she brings her arms up over her chest to cover herself from exposing her very present cleavage to the world. Her demeanor is that of a scared little girl rather than the sex kitten last night and she looks lost. Aren’t we all.

Of course I’m a little more emotional when it comes to this girl as I continue to look at her. Blonde hair, blues eyes and a similar face flashes me back to Sarah. But what really gets me is the whole picture, this girl being carried out like the trash. Used and abused. I quickly wipe the tears away with my index finger and blink a few times.

I watch as security throws her out and wonder how he feels about what he does or if he even realizes what he’s doing. The elevator doors open in front of me and Justin emerges, talking to Johnny. He comes over to me and I hand him his breakfast as he sits down.

“Belinda, where do I have to be today?” he asks nonchalantly as he eats his breakfast.

This guy is the biggest dick I have ever worked with. How many names is he going to call me that start with the letter B before he finally lands on mine?

“It’s Bethany and you are going to be at FYE for a cd signing, then you have an interview with Rolling Stone. After that you are free to do what you want until seven when the bus leaves for New York.”

Justin doesn’t respond, choosing to address Trace as he comes into the lobby and throw him a bagel, “You’re late.”

“Sorry man, had to deal with an emotional girl who didn’t understand why she wasn’t going on tour with us after last night.”

Justin laughs and takes another bite of his French toast. I step away from them as I throw away the rest of my breakfast, my appetite suddenly leaving me. I check the time and drink the rest of my orange juice before turning to the playboys, “We have to leave now.”

Justin gets up with Trace and follow me out to the SUV waiting for us. I get in the front seat and let the body guard sit down next to the guys. I realize that I won’t be able to avoid being with them forever, but I can at least try for the time being. Personally I think I have gotten high way too many times off of those two and for once I’m going to sit away from them and there immaturity.

My phone rings and I answer it, “Bethany Addison.”

“Miss Addison, this is Rich from FYE, we were wondering if you were on time.”

I glance at the street signs to see where we are, “We are about ten minutes from arriving. Mr. Timberlake requested that there be extra security when he arrives for protection out front.”

“Fine, we will need help with setting up his cd promotion that will be by where he’s sitting.”

I sigh. God forbid anyone over there be any use at all and do what there paid to do. If you want something to do, you have to do it yourself, “I’ll do that.”

“Good, see you in ten.”

I hang up and rest my back against the seat, enjoying my last few minutes of piece.

________________________________________________________________

We arrive at FYE and security opens the door for me. The girls waiting outside let out blood curdling screams as they are held off so I can get inside. There is a table set up with a huge picture of Futuresex/Lovesounds in the background. A cardboard setup where my cds are supposed to be displayed are yet to be assembled and there are no pens or water for me. I look over for what’s her name and she’s busy opening the box of my cds.

“Hey, how am I supposed to sign autographs without a pen.” I say with annoyance.

She brushes her hair from her eyes, and looks up from setting up the display case. The other assistant who works here rolls her eyes. I she worked for me, I would fire her for that kind of crap. She gets up off her knees and glances at the table to discover what I already know. There are no pens.

“I’ll go get them.” She says slowly, trying to keep her cool.

“I also need something to drink!” I call after her.

I go over and sit in the provided chair, waiting for the girl to return. I tap my fingers on the table until she returns, setting the pens down on the table harshly and hands me a cup of coffee. She goes back over to the display and starts to put my cds in them. While she does that, I take a bottle of alcohol out of my pocket that I took from the mini bar and pour the whole thing into the cup.

I watch as the girl, frozen on her knees in mid movement, looking at me with bewilderment. I stare at her angrily for a moment but she doesn’t seem to be getting the message, so I flip her off. She snaps out of it and goes back to doing what I pay her to do.

Trace comes over and sits down next to me as some guy who has this whole thing scheduled comes over to me, “Mr. Timberlake, I’m Max Cornel. We will be opening the doors in a few minutes and you’ll only be here for two hours. Is your assistant here?”

“Becca, come here.”

She sighs and comes over to us and Max introduces himself, “Hi, I’m Max.”

“I’m Bethany.” She says, correcting me as well as enunciating every syllable.

Oh that girl is on thin ice.

“Bethany, what a pretty name.” Max says, holding her hand way too long.

Oh right. She could have the name mud and he’d tell her it was beautiful. I sigh loudly to get her attention and shake my cup in her face, “I need more.”

“You drank that all?” she says in shock.

“DO you think I would be waving my cup in your face if I didn’t? Get me more and make sure it’s hot this time.”

Bethany grabs the cup from my hand and goes off to get me more. Max gives me a look, but I just smile smugly. He wants to play footsie with her, he can do it on her off time. Until then, she works for me.

The doors are opened and people start coming in. Screams come flowing through the store and I shudder inside. Unless one of them is willing to get me off, they had better get their asses in and out the door. Here we go. _______________________________________________________________

I curse all the way to and from Starbucks at the misery that is my life. Of all the arrogant, self-absorbed asses in the world, I got stuck with this one.

I walk into the store again as I see Justin smiling with that phony smile and I go up behind him, putting his coffee in front of him. Let’s see him get liquor in that baby while his pubescent fans watch. I wonder if I called up TBS funny they would tell me to laugh out loud or not. This would make a wonderful commercial anyway.

For two hours I stood on my feet as he played nice with his fans. I helped clean up the place when everything was set and done while Justin chatted some girl up. Then I got the unbridled pleasure of having to escort him to his interview and watch Trace flirt with some of the girls waiting to catch of glimpse of the Magnificent Wonder. He finally emerges and we take the car back to the hotel where the bus is waiting for him.

The car stops and Justin gets off with Trace and board the plane. I grab my stuff from the hotel room and throw everything into my luggage as Gia comes in, “Hey, how was your day?”

“Don’t ask.”

Gia laughs, “That’s why I never took the job as his assistant. One, I’m half black and I would kick his ass the moment he went diva, and second I wouldn’t be here if I did. The only reason he puts p with me is that I work for Johnny.”

She puts her arm around my shoulder, “Come on, we can drive together.”

I pull on a denim jacket that you need in New England during early spring, “That would be great. You know sometimes I wonder what I’m doing with my life.”

“To keep a roof over our heads.” Gia says, tossing me a water bottle as we exit the room.

My cell starts to ring and I look at it, a smile spreads across my face and answer it, “Hey sport.”

“Belle I miss you!” Sam says, excitement in his voice.

“How’s school going?”

“It’s good. I got an A on my science experiment.”

“That’s great, I’m so proud of you! How’s mom.”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Since I made the basketball team this year I have made eleven threes. I actually knock them down now”

“Good for you. All that time playing in the driveway finally paid off huh?” “Yep. My last game is two weeks from Monday. I don’t suppose you could come?”

I sniff softly, “You know I can’t do that bud, I have to work.” Sam sighs, “I know, just thought I would ask. Don’t worry about it.”

“Your coming to see me when school ends. I’ll fly you to wherever I am and we’ll spend the day together, I promise.”

Someone calls my name and I turn around to see the crew trying to get everybody out of here, “Okay buddy, listen I have to go but I will call you in the morning, I promise.”

“Okay, love you.”

“Love you too.”

And just like that my day has turned around. I never knew how much one phone call could be so important until I started this line of work. Gia put it best, though she didn’t know it, the phone is my lifeline.

My headphones blare as I lay on the floor of the hotel room, legs pushed up against the wall with my feet taping against it. ‘Babe I’m Going To Leave You’ may not be the sentiment I’m feeling right now, but the melody always gets to me, sending shivers up and down my arm. Justin has decided to go with Trace to some restaurant that’s opening so I have a few hours to myself. The hairs on my arm stand up in a good way when the door to the room swings open and Gia comes bounding in, “Hey B, come on.”

Gia decided that Bethany was way too long a name for her and insisted that nicknames are more personal anyway. Our new names? B and G. We’ve become quite close. It’s amazing the things you can share while bitching about a certain pop star.

“Come on where?” I ask, removing the headphones from my ears and focusing on the bubbly girl looking down at me.

“You think that’s a comfortable position to listen to music in?” she asks, turning her head to the side in order to try and percept why the hell I’m laying on the floor.

“I’m a creature of habit. I used to do it at home when I listened to music.”

Gia nods, “Okay then. Listen, Johnny just let me off for a little while and since I’m bored shitless I thought that maybe you wanted to go play a little pool with me in the bar? Maybe grab a beer or two?”

I nod enthusiastically, “That sounds like fun actually.”

“Honey, you need some fun in your life. Dealing with a dick all day gets tiring.”

I let out a breath of relief knowing that someone else feels my pain and that it’s not just me. I don’t like to bitch or complain about things because for the most part, we all have a hand in the decisions we have made to get to where we are. I have accepted that philosophy and understand that it is normally myself and only myself to blame when I find myself in situations I hate, but I have a legitimate reason to complain this time. I officially am working for the spawn of Satan. Suddenly the initials S.O.S. have a new and completely different meaning to me.

We head downstairs to the bar area and I order two beers while Gia sets up the balls. I grab the two bottles from the neck after tipping the bartender and carrying them over to the pool table. I set them down on the side of the table as Gia hands me a pool stick. She breaks the balls and sends them flying around the table, “So, you have a boyfriend?” Gia asks, taking a sip of her beer.

“Naw, not since I was twenty.”

Gia swallows her sip, “Five years?”

I nod my head, “I’m way too busy for a boyfriend. I was with my last boyfriend from the time I was eighteen until I was twenty.”

“What happened?”

I point my stick at the number six ball and sink it into the left pocket, “We went to college together, his name was Michael, and we liked each other but there was no real connection.”

I look down at my beer and swish it around in the bottle for a few seconds, “We ate breakfast together every day for the entire time we were together. Than once, I had to go home to New Jersey to see my family one morning and asked him if he could bring me breakfast so I could eat while I drove. He brought me eggs and coffee with cream and sugar. The only problem with that was, I don’t drink coffee. I sat across from him every day for two years and he didn’t even remember I don’t drink coffee. It made me wonder what else he didn’t notice about me. I broke up with him the next day.”

“Wow.”

I shake off the memories, “Enough about me, how about you?”

Gia smiles and it’s a look only people who are crazy in love get when you ask them about their significant other. I used to wonder when I was dating Michael if I would ever feel that way about him. I stopped thinking about it a long time ago.

“His name is Derek and we’ve been together three years. The man treats me like a princess.”

I smile, “That must be nice.”

She nods before gasping. I look up at her face from my view of the colored balls scattered on the green felt and she’s grinning ear to ear, “That’s it!”

“What’s it?”

Gia squeals a little, “That will be my mission this tour, to get you a guy.”

“Oh, no, no, no. I am fine on my own and besides, I’m way too busy with you know who.” I protest.

“Don’t be silly, everyone wants to feel special sometimes. Boyfriends are perfect for that kind of stuff.”

I go to protest again but Gia waves her hands in the air as though she was casting a spell, “It’s already done, don’t bother to fight it. Once I get an idea in my head I refuse to let it go. My momma used to say that I get that part of my personality from my dad.”

I roll my eyes playfully as Gia takes another shot and sinks her ball, “My parents are always playing matchmaker with their single friends, so I think it’s genetic. But it must be fate that you would end up on tour with me.”

“You close with your parents?”

“Oh yeah. My momma and my daddy have been married thirty one years this August. I’m their only child.”

“That’s impressive. My parents divorced when I was thirteen.”

“Did they ever get remarried?”

I shake my head, “No, which I always thought was strange. It’s like they gave up on love altogether rather that have to try again.”

“Have any siblings?” she says, twirling a piece of chalk around the end of her pool stick.

A smile creeps onto my lips, “My little brother Sam. He’s twelve.”

“Apple of your eye?” she asks knowingly, watching me smile.

“You have no idea.”

“I always wanted siblings, but my momma was never able to have kids after me for some reason.”

“I can’t imagine my life without Sam.” I smile, “Without him I wouldn’t have made it this far.”

Loud laughing causes both Gia and I to look around and see Justin and Trace walking towards the bar. Gia rolls her eyes and goes back to her shot. They both notice us and I pray to God that they just walk on by.

No such luck.

Trace comes over and sets his glass of alcohol in front of the ball Gia had decided to try and sink. She straitens up and gives him a death look. Gia mentioned to me the other day that she is a black belt and let’s face it, Trace is neither muscular or tall. She could probably snap him in half is she so desired, which is probably why he’s backing off a little. I hope she kicks his ass.

“What the fuck do you want troll?” she spits out.

“I wouldn’t be talking to me like that if I were you.” Trace says, looking backwards for support from Justin.

Justin comes sauntering over and stands in front of us, “Gia, we want to play so get lost.”

“Do I look like a toddler to you? We were playing so your going to have to wait.” She says, getting right up in his face.

I touch Gia’s arm gently to keep her from slugging him, “He’s not worth the law suit hon.”

She shakes with anger before putting the pool stick down and taking my hand in hers. We walk towards the exit when Justin calls out, “Barbie, you need to have my dry cleaning by six tomorrow.”

I spin around, “But the dry cleaners don’t open until nine and they are closed now.”

“Not my problem.”

I feel anger rising and I open my mouth in a rash action, “And its Bethany you bastard.”

Gia’s eyes bug out and Justin tightens his jaw. Oh I’m in trouble now.

He starts walking over to me really slowly and stands in front of me so close that I can taste his breath. Bailey’s Irish Cream.

“Listen Bitch, I can call you whatever the fuck I want. You work for me.”

I try not to cry as he shouts in my face. Think of Sam and suck it up. Think of Sam. Think of Sam.

I bite my tongue and take his shouting which I have blocked out. Only one phrase stays with me that he says, “I’m deducting that comment form your pay.”

After he’s done Gia takes me out to the lounge and hugs me tightly, “Its okay Beth, sshhh.” she soothes. _______________________________________________________________

I decided to go to a club with Trace tonight. After the run in with Gia and Bethany, I needed a break. I can’t believe how she talked to me! The nerve of her. How dare she speak to me that way?

I move through the club quickly, spotting a couple of people snorting cocaine. Trace follows me and we join the unending party that is my life. I make a few white lines on the table, close on nostril and let the white powder enter my system. Someone hands me a drink, who I don’t know, and I take the liquid. Down my throat it goes and I start taking other drugs available to me.

Trace gets up and I hazily hear him say he has to leave to go see his on again off again girlfriend who called him. Fine, leave me to my hallucinations. Enjoy your girl while you can. We all know where they lead to. Pain and suffering. Did he not witness the event in the bar? A needle goes into my arm which I know I didn’t inject myself with because I can’t even pick up my drink. This can’t be good.

I put my cell down on the table when I came in because I don’t like the feeling of it when I sit down. I don’t think I could dial a number so I click one button which brings me to the first name in my address book, which just happens to be Bethany’s.

Shit. I made her wait outside in the car for me. Damn her. I press call and put my head down on the table to the phone. She answers me and all I can say when she answers is, “Come get me.”

______________________________________________________________

I walk into the club in which Justin insisted on visiting tonight. The guy is unbelievable. After snorting all the drugs he had on him, he thought that it would be a good idea to go to a club and get some more. I was outside eating a hamburger when I got a call that was barely audible voice from Justin requesting that someone come get him. Sure, why don’t I just go in there and pick him up? Then I can feed him some apple sauce and sing twinkle, twinkle little star. I have half a mind to leave him in there, but decide I can’t have anymore of my pay taken from me. Hopefully he’ll be so strung out he’ll forget to tell anyone to dock my pay. I drag his bodyguards into the club and make my way into the VIP room where Justin is slumped over.

A variety of drubs were spread out on the table with an assortment of alcohol. People are dry humping each other as I move past them and shake Justin. He’s not responsive and I motion for the bodyguards that I have found him. They come over and one of them picks him up and I move people aside. They put him in the car and I sit in the back with him. He’s burning up and he’s red and sweating. I pull off my sweater putting ice from the ice bucket in the car for alcohol in it, pressing it against his face.

One of the bodyguards turns around from the front seat, “I’ve seen him worse than this. Don’t worry, we’ll take him to our on staff doctor. He’ll wake up later and be ready to hit the bong again.”

I sigh frustrated and scared at the whole situation and move my sweater to his neck. His whole body is on fire and I turn on the ac even though it’s only the beginning of May and sixty degrees outside.

We pull up to the hotel were staying at and go around to the back entrance. One of the guys picks Justin up with the help of the other as I run ahead to open doors for them to get him inside.

They lay him on the ground in his hotel room and call a doctor. Justin’s nose starts to bleed from the drugs and I start wiping the blood from his face as it flows freely. He starts to stir and I hope he’s going to wake up, “Justin?”

He opens his eyes and they try to focus on me. When he’s able to get some sort of idea who is kneeling over him, he groans, “Get the fuck away from me.”

“But-”

“Get away from me!” he yells.

The doctor comes in and I get shoved to the side. I take one last look back over my shoulder before going back to my room.

 

I couldn’t sleep all night. Sure I hated the guy but I didn’t want him to die. Gia was a little pissed I had stopped to help him anyway. She’s still fuming from the night before. Since I couldn’t sleep anyway I trucked out at four a.m. to the local dry cleaner who was kind enough to open the shop for me when she heard my predicament. It just goes to show there is still is some good people in this world.  

 

I pull up to the dry cleaners and knock on the glass door. The girl comes out from the back and waves, opening the front door with her key, “Hey, come in.”

 

I come in and Julie locks the door behind us, “Thanks so much, I really needed this. I am one step from getting fired.”

 

“I’m Julie.” She says, shaking my hand and taking his clothes from my arm.

 

“I’m Bethany.”

 

“So who’s this stuff for?” she asks, looking over the shirts.

 

“Justin Timberlake.” I utter.

 

Julie sends the stuff into the back and comes back, “Not a fun guy to work for?”

 

I laugh harshly, “If I had a choice, I would run from the room screaming when he entered the same one as me.”

 

“Have a house you need to pay for? That’s why I keep this crappy job.”

 

“No, I keep it to take care of someone.”

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

 

I eventually woke up this morning at five ten when I was shaken awake by Trace and handed a shirt that still had plastic covering it on a hanger.

 

“Dude, how much shit did you take last night? I heard you were passed out in that club. Damn you know you can’t do that when I’m not there dude.”

 

I groan and don’t say anything. I grab a quick shower, my head pounding from last night. I pop four advil in my mouth and pull the plastic of the shirt, looking it over. How the hell did she manage to get this dry cleaned? I thought there was no way she could have possibly done what I asked her to do. I hate it when people surprise me.

 

I go downstairs to the van waiting outside with what’s her name in the car. I pull the door open and get in. I don’t say one word to her and she keeps things totally professional, listing off my laundry lists of things I have to do. I have another photo shoot, then a rehearsal and finally a concert before taking off for Pennsylvania.

 

I lean my head against the window and put on my sunglasses, blocking the rays from hitting my eyes. I have enough of a headache already. We drive up to a warehouse and Bethany gets out and stands at the door, calling the building to alert them that we are here and to have them open the door. After a minute the door makes a clicking noise and swings open. I’m greeted by a female photographer and we go inside.  

 

There is a Corvette in the warehouse and I suppose I have to get in there and pose. The photographer starts to set up and I get in the car. She tells me what looks she wants and snaps away. The flashes only add to my discomfort as the bright light snaps in my eyes. I swear I can see stars, and it’s only ten in the morning.  

 

I try to smile as best as possible for the camera but my hangover looms over me and I squint for most of the shots despite the photographer whining at me to keep them open. Finally she stops, seeing that none of this is going to be getting any better.

 

The photographer comes over to me to show the three pictures that are actually printable and then leaves. I go over to the girl who name I still can’t remember, “Bailey, can we go already?”

 

She turns around with a look of sheer frustration, “My name is Bethany.” She sighs, “Would it be easier for you to call me Beth?”

 

Beth. That sounds easy enough to remember, “Okay, Beth. Now can we leave?”

 

Beth gives a tired yawn and nods. I silently follow her out the door and back into the car as Todd drives us back to the arena. He parks the car and we get out, walking inside the temperature controlled building to see the stage almost completely put together. A woman stands to the side with Gia and points at Beth and me, “There she is!”

 

I glance over at the woman and Beth looks up from her blackberry, “Mom?”

 

That’s her mom? Oh am I going to have some fun. Beth is going to get what she deserved for the whole “Bethany” thing.

 

“Hi sweetheart.” The woman says. She doesn’t look like Beth, except in the eyes. Hers are tired and she looks like she spends a lot of time working. Dragged down by life maybe. I feel the same way.

 

“Mom, what are you doing here? I told you I was going to mail the package up.” Beth says, obviously surprised to see her mother.

 

Beth’s mom hugs her daughter to her, “I know, I just thought I would come and see you, just for a few minutes.”

 

I decide to introduce myself since Beth has yet to get around to it, “Hi, I’m Justin.” I say, holding out my hand to her.

 

Beth eyes me carefully as I shake her mother’s hand, “Nice to meet you, I’m Nora. You must be Bethany’s boss.”

 

“Yes I am.” I say, smiling sweetly at her.

 

“I hope she’s doing a good job.” Nora says, rubbing her daughter’s back lightly the way mothers do when they are proud of their children.

 

“She’s not bad, a little slow on the uptake but she makes up what she lacks in what I like the call the cute factor.”  

 

Nora nods a little, not really understanding what’s going on and Beth has got fire coming out of her eyes.

 

“Well she’s a real hard worker and she will put a hundred and fifty percent into whatever you tell her to do.”

 

“I’m sure she will. I imagine she had to do a lot to even land a job with me. You can’t just have been a waitress and get this kind of work.”

 

Both Nora and Beth go silent and it becomes awkward quickly. Beth is so mad that she’s practically fuming so I decide it’s time to make my exit, “Thanks so much for coming bye, it was nice meeting you.”

 

I can feel Beth stare hitting the back of my head and head for my dressing room, but crack the door so I’m just out of eyesight but within earshot just in case she decided to bad mouth me to her mother.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

 

I could kill him with my bare hands. Really. My mom looks so ashamed as Justin walks away that it’s probably a good idea not to let me ever handle a gun within five thousand feet of that dick.

 

I turn to my mother and try to get her to smile, “It’s his way of being funny. He just happens to be horrible at it.” I say comforting her. I decide to keep the details of Justin and I at a minimum. She loves me to pieces and that would only stress her out further than she already does.

 

“It pays well, that’s all that matters hon.”

 

I nod and pull an envelope out of my purse and hand it to my mom, “Here you go. It saves me from having to mail it to you.”

 

Mom takes the envelope and holds my hand, “I swear when I can I’ll pay you back.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. How come Sam didn’t come with you?”

 

Mom smiles, “Because he doesn’t know I’m here. I have to be at work at four and had he’d known I was coming to see you I would never get him back in the car to go home. It’s just easier this way. You’ll get to see him as soon as school is over anyway.”

 

I nod and cover my chest with my arms, “I know.”

 

“So how are you doing, really?”

 

“I’m fine. Sane and fine.”

 

“If you ever feel like your over your head, just come home.”

 

I hug my mom once more, “Okay mom. Thanks.”

 

“I’ll call you later. Bye hon.”

 

“Bye mom.”

 

I watch her walk out of the room. I miss seeing my family so much. I am on the road following the most famous but also pampered people on earth. Which reminds me of what I still have to do before the day is over. I turn on my heels and down the hall, to go kill a certain pop star. I can’t even see strait he’s got me so wound. Justin comes out from his dressing room and looks at me, “I am too funny.”

 

I think I’m seeing red, “You asshole! My mother is a waitress.”

 

I watch him freeze and turn red, “Oh.”

 

“That’s all you have to say? Oh? And you were listening to our conversation? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yell. I know that he can’t even comprehend half of what I said, probably because he’s doped up from the numerous substances available to his lightweight ass, but I continue to yell anyway.

 

“Look-” he says sputtering.

 

“No you look. You don’t stop to think about anyone but yourself do you? You try to make me look bad and you end up making yourself look like an ass. Aren’t you the one who quoted it best? What goes around comes around.”

 

I storm off to the bar even though I know I should be packing my bags and looking at the want adds. My phone starts to ring and its Justin. I turn off the ringer and go to the package store for the bottle of wine. Screw him, I’m putting my feet up for once.  

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

 

I finally find Beth hours later after calling her cell phone for hours. Something bad happened. Really bad and I’m not just talking about what happened between Beth and me. I’m talking about Rolling Stone Magazine.

 

I looked all over the venue for her before running over to the hotel and getting key to her room. I heard her screaming so I opened the door and ran in to find Beth sleeping and carrying out, “Sarah.”

 

Who’s Sarah? Then again, why the fuck do I care? I don’t. For all I know, it’s a monster in her closet that she named.  

 

I shake her until she opens her eyes and practically rips off my head, “What the fuck do you want Timberlake?”

 

“Listen, maybe it wasn’t one of my smoothest moments with your mom, but you still work for me and I would watch my tone if I were you.”

 

“Well you’re not me.” She bites back.

 

“Listen to me, we have a problem.”

 

Beth folds her arms over her chest and sits up, “I know, but it’s nothing therapy and rehab couldn’t cure.”

 

I want to fire her ass right now but she’s the only assistant I have had so far that can actually accomplish anything, “Rolling Stone called and said they are going ahead with my quotes from the interview I had with them.”

 

“So?”

 

“So I may have let it slip how many different drugs I use and how often. And maybe how many groupies I sleep with.”

 

Beth just stares at me for a moment before speaking, “You are a PR nightmare, you know that?”

 

“Just fix it.” I mutter.

 

“I can’t do anything. There is no such thing as journalist integrity anymore even if you do deny the quotes, which you legitimately gave them. I can call your Jack so he can argue with them but don’t hold your breath.” Beth says, brushing past me and walking out the door.

 I sit down on the bed and sigh. This has not been a good day at all.

 

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. That’s what Beth said to me right before she got on the phone with my publicist Jack. Easy for her to say, she’s not the one with her ass on the line. Sure, the girls can deal with the thoughts of me being cocky and okay, maybe I went a little overboard with the public display of my breakup with Britney and let slip a few details that should have remained private, but they overlooked all of that because I am famous and was suffering from a broken heart.

 

This they may not swallow so easily. I was so high during that interview I am surprised they could even understand a word I was saying, since most of them were slurred. They probably started the article out by stating my appearance and speech impediment. Fuckers.

 

I wait anxiously as Beth nods occasionally, her face void of any expressions. I’m dying over here and all she can do is nod? How about a smile or a frown. Ugh. Beth hangs up the phone and turns to me, “Well, Jack just read me word for word what you said. Boy were you dumb.”

 

“Uh, thanks so much. I was high.”

 

“No kidding.”

 

“Can you please get to the point here? How much of the interview are they using?”

 

Beth sits in a chair across from me and crosses her legs, “They are going to use everything you said to a point. They are going to print that you do drugs frequently, but exclude the part where you mentioned just how much and what exactly you use. Then they said that they won’t take out the part where you said that you slept with the groupies you bring back stage but they won’t mention just how often you do.”

 

I rub my hands over my face a few times before looking at her, “That’s all you guys can do?”

 

Beth lets out a angry chuckle, “Your lucky there not just printing the article as is and that we were able to negotiate that much for you. The words your looking for are, “Thank you so much for working your ass off to make sure mine is covered.”

 

“That’s why I pay you darling.” I say sarcastically, leaning against the chair and wondering what affect this is going to have on my tour and carrier.

 

“Oh and by the way, next time you tell kiss and tell in a magazine, leave my breasts out of it.”

 

“Excuse me?” I ask, not following the last sentence.

 

“You told Rolling Stone I had nice tits. The good news is they edited that part out on my behalf.”

 

My jaw drops. I so do not remember that. Of course, I don’t really remember the interview, “I don’t think I said that. How do you know I did? Did I say your name?”

 

Beth rolls her eyes, “Of course not. You said, and I quote, “Yeah, and my new personal assistant, Brianna, had nice tits.”

 

Whoops.

 

“In a way your even luckier than you thought, had that article gone through I could have sued you for sexual harassment.”

 

Beth gives me a smile as she practically skips out the door. Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it through life without drugs. Beth harps on my drug use, but women like her are the reason drugs were invented. They’re made just so you can get through the day with them and their hormones.

________________________________________________________________

 

I watch as Justin practices his performance on stage. I swear a monkey could do the moves by now if one were to have watched as many rehearsals as I have had to sit through. I know it has to be done at every venue but do I really have to be subjected to the scene before me? Apparently I do, according to the All Mighty. Just in case he may need a water or a pretzel or his cd to lip-sync to, I am here to do his bidding which half the time makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I was pissed when Jack got to the part of the article about me, but I wrote it off since I had seen him before and after the interview. It’s amazing he was able to stand on his own tow feet by himself.

 

Gia comes over to me and sits down in the chair, “How’s it going? Golden boy get a kick in the balls when he got into bed with Rolling Stone?”

 

“Not as much as he should have. They are going to go ahead and print the drug use and groupie thing but will refrain from saying how much he uses or how many he’s slept with. I got thrown a bone as well. Apparently our articulate friend went in there and said that I have nice tits.”

 

Gia can’t contain herself and bursts out laughing, covering her mouth with her hand to keep from disrupting the practice.

 

“Stop it! It is so not funny G.”

 

Gia holds her hand against her stomach and doubles over in laughter, “Oh yes it is.”

 

Tears start running down her face and I try not to laugh at the sight before me.

 

“Okay Gia, breathe girl.” I say as she finally stands up strait.

 

“I can’t believe he said that. It’s a complement to you. He doesn’t ogle every woman’s breasts.”

 

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought when I heard it, “Gee, he is so sweet.”

 

Gia smiles, “Hey, he’s never said anything about my breasts. I feel a little neglected.”  

 

I glare at Gia as the rehearsal ends and I hear my name being called, “Beth, are you listening to me?”

 

I scream mentally for a minute before turning around and smiling as I walk over to him, “Yes?”

 

“Get Cameron on the phone, I want to go to lunch with her today at the café on fifth street.”

 

I pull out the phone and scroll down to her number, “Sure, what time are you available?”

 

Justin scratches his head, “Whenever she can meet me.”

 

I nod and press talk on the phone as I call Cameron’s phone. After a few rings a female voice comes on, “Hello?”

 

“Hi, this is Bethany Addison, Justin Timberlake’s personal assistant, and he was wondering if you wanted to have lunch this afternoon at the café on fifth street.”

 

“He didn’t call himself?”

 

I bite my lip, she is totally on point with this one, “Umm, he was busy and had me call you.”

 

“Phsss. Fine, what time does he want to meet?”

 

“He said he would meet you at your convenience.”

 

“Fine. Tell him I’ll be there at twelve thirty.”

 

I hang up the phone and turn back to Justin who is busy talking to one of the backup dancers. He turns to look at me, “She meeting me?”

 

I nod, “Twelve thirty. I’ll arrange for the car to take you.”

 

“No, I’ll drive myself.”

 

“Anything else?” I ask in hopes of some off time with Gia.

 

“Yes, your done. Go bitch about me to someone.”

 

I smirk and catch up with Gia to go have a girl lunch.

________________________________________________________________

 

I shift nervously in my seat waiting for Cam. I’m not sure what to expect from her at this point in our relationship but I know it is uncomfortable at best. I take a long sip of my beer and drum my fingers on the table. The thought crosses my mind as I check my watch that reads twelve forty seven that she may have stood me up, but after all of this week, she hasn’t given me the impression she would pass up an opportunity to see me.

 

I see a blonde at the door and I relax somewhat as the waitress brings Cameron over to my table. Cam sits down across from me with a pissed off look on her face, “What do you want?”

 

“What do you mean what do I want? You’re the one who has called me three times a day for the last week and a half.”

 

“And you’re the one that’s been ignoring all my calls and had your secretary call me instead of you to set this whole thing up.” Cameron points out.

 

“First of all, she’s my assistant, not my secretary and second I didn’t feel like fighting with you over the phone. Let’s get everything out in the open now.”

 

“Still shooting up?” she asks obnoxiously.

 

I glare at her and now I remember what pissed me off the most about her. The little digs she would make. Cameron never yelled, she was laid back, older, mature. No, when she was mad at you, she played mind games and threw in a few hits below the belt.

 

Cameron huffs, which causes me to remember the moods she would get in when she didn’t get what she wanted, “Fine. This isn’t exactly the environment I wanted to talk about it but fine.”

 

I take another sip of my beer and sit back, waiting for her to say something. She plays with the stem of the glass set on the table that contains ice water. She takes a deep breath and looks at me, “Neither you nor I were fair to one another when we were together.”

 

Not this talk again. Fine, I slept with other women, but she slept with other men and we were fine with that until Cam ran into one of the girls leaving my room. After that, it was all downhill from there. We had a casual relationship that worked for us. It was only until we got heavier that things began to fall apart. It’s then I realize I have been spacing out for a while during Cameron’s big speech.

 

“And I was thinking that we could maybe try again. Maybe take things slow.”

 

I throw my head back and punch my palm a little. Cameron doesn’t like the response from the look on her face and shakes her head, “I knew better to get involved with someone who was too immature.”

 

“You weren’t saying that when we were hooking up.” I defend.

 

Cameron stands up, “Well everyone makes mistakes.”

 

I watch her storm out and I motion to the waitress for the check. This is why we don’t work together. I can’t handle anymore drama then necessary. I should have told Rolling Stone to print any dirt I dished on her. I pay the bill and drive back to the hotel to take a nap before I head out to do the concert tonight. I open the door to find Beth arranging flowers in my room.

 

I drop my keys on the table near the door and Beth turns around, “Hey, these came for you. The card is on the table there.” She says, motioning to where I had just put my keys. I pick up the card and look it over. I don’t have to know who it’s from, I can tell just by the way my name is scrolled on the envelope. Alyssa. The second the breakup hit the papers, I was being courted by every single girl I have ever happened to have a drink with. Alyssa takes it to a whole new level. Apparently she didn’t take the hint the first time around.  

 

I look at Beth who is getting her stuff together and despite my better judgment, I turn to her, “Look, I really am sorry about what I said to your mom. And what I said about you to Rolling Stone. I honestly don’t even remember mentioning you.”

 

Beth gives me a wryly smile, “I figured. If I thought you did it on purpose, you wouldn’t be standing here. Breathing.”

 

I roll my eyes, “Funny. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to go any easier on you.”  

 

“No, I don’t suppose you would. I didn’t know Justin Timberlake apologized though.” Beth says with a lighter tone to her voice.

 

“I didn’t know I could either. I guess there is a first time for everything.” I joke.

 

Beth tries to hide a smile from me, but I’m well aware what one looks like, “Maybe there is hope for you yet.”  

 

“Maybe.” I muse. Maybe.

 

 

I flip carefully through the article dedicated to me in Rolling Stone. I grace the cover shirtless with the headline, “R&B’s favorite playboy has gone bad boy. Drugs, Booze and Woman, Justin spills his lifestyle to us. And it’s not pretty.”

 

They kept their word about leaving some of the awful details out, including the remark about Beth’s breasts. It does go into the famous women I slept with, which should piss off Cameron, Alyssa and Scarlett. The beans have already been spilled about Britney, no surprise for her in there. The drugs have been downplayed to a point that no one would be offended to read it. Everyone in music does drugs and drinks anyway. The girls might be harder for some to get around though. What can you do at this point though? A million people are reading this article right now. Probably more.  

 

Beth is leaned up against the table, her elbows on the surface as her fingertips dangle over the edge as she waits for me to finish the article. I close the magazine and toss it behind me and sigh. Beth raises her eyebrows looking for a response. I glance at her for a minute deciding what I should say, what’s appropriate to say after surveying something like that.

 

I rub the back of my neck, “I guess you’re right, I could have been much worse.”

 

“Much, much worse.” Beth adds.

 

“I mean, I don’t think my whole fan base will desert me because the made me out to seem as though I do drugs occasionally and sleep around a little with a few girl that come backstage.”

 

Beth shakes her head, “Yeah, imagine if they only knew the real you what trouble you would be in.”

 

I look up at her and scowl, “Do you spend your days thinking of witty comebacks to fuck with me or do you just naturally do this to people?”

 

Beth pauses for a minute as if she is actually contemplating the question when I know she is inwardly thinking, “I hope you die.” Her eyes dance as she has a smart remark waiting on the tip of her tongue that will put me to shame, but she decides against it as Trace comes in the room, “Dude, there are some girls out in the hall that I think you should take a look at.”

 

Beth rolls her eyes at the comment and leaves the room. I look at Trace who is waiting for me to go inspect the girls he has rounded up so that he can hook up with his allotted ones that I give him. He’s the one the settle for when they can’t get me, which I would find unsettling if I were him but apparently he doesn’t think so.  

 

I smile as I get up and follow Trace out to where the girls are. I have been looking for a pick me up after the magazine anyway.

________________________________________________________________

 

I sit with Gia and pick at my pancakes. I thought you really couldn’t go wrong with a breakfast food like pancakes. Add water, pour on griddle, wait to flip said piece of food and tada! Instant breakfast. How wrong I was. Apparently not only can you butcher the taste of what is really a piece of bread, but you can also burn it to the point that even when you put a stick of butter and a container of syrup on the thing, it still doesn’t taste like a pancake. Or resemble one for that matter. It would have made a good Frisbee before I doused it with syrup in hopes of being able to swallow it. No such luck.

 

Gia hands me a bowl with half her fruit salad in it, “I didn’t get to you before you ordered so I figure I owe you. I ordered pancakes my first time I ever ate breakfast from here. They only save the good food for the Almighty and his minions.”

 

I laugh, “Thanks, I’m starving.”

 

“You should be, your running around all day. So what’s on the agenda for this morning?”

 

“I’m free until tonight since Justin has some radio interviews to do. Apparently they all want to know about a certain magazine article.”

 

“Read that this morning, I thought Johnny was going to lose it there for a minute.”

 

“I guess he’ll have to remember not to go into an interview high nest time.

 

Gia snickers, “Yeah right. That boy will never learn. Anyway, speaking of boys, you and I are going out for lunch and meeting Derek.”

 

I take a bite of a strawberry, “Wouldn’t you prefer to be alone with your boyfriend?”

 

“You’re coming and that’s the end of it.” Gia says, handing me a glass or orange juice.

 

I relent as a guy walks up behind Gia and kisses her head. She turns around and smiles her award winning grin. Her smile is a great comfort to me when I think about taking a knife to Justin, “Beth, this is my boyfriend Derek, Derek this is Beth.”

 

I shake the guy’s hand and feel instantly at ease. He’s about six three with milk chocolate skin. His eyes are warm and inviting as he shakes my hand. It’s easy to see why Gia feel for him, “It’s nice to meet the famous Beth.”

 

I shake my head, “It’s you who’s famous.”

 

He laughs and pulls Gia’s shoulder against him, “Well what do you guys say about getting out of here?”

 

“Sounds like a plan.” Gia says, grabbing my hand.

 

I grab my purse as we head out the doors of the arena, “So where are we going? It’s like eleven o’clock in the morning.”

 

Gia smiles as I know I’m in for a wild ride, “First we have to find something to wear.”

 

Derek holds Gia’s hand and they exchange knowing glances. I guess I’m just going to have to wait and find out. We pile into Derek’s car and he brings us to this back alley and parks it.

 

“Okay, you guys aren’t going to make me buy contraband or something are you?” I question as I look around for some sort of marker as to where I am.

 

Derek opens a back door and we go inside the building. He flips on the lights which cause the overhead bulbs to go on one at a time, almost theatrically. The light reveals racks of clothes that line the walls. I turn to Gia and she smiles, “Clothes celebrities don’t wear. They still have the tags on them.”

 

“Pick something out.” Derek says.

 

“Something hot. We are going to have fun tonight.”

 

I look through the clothes, rack by rack with Gia until I find a purple top with a v neck line. I hold it up to me and put it in my arm, looking for a bottom. Gia hands me a black leather skirt and surveys the two pieces together, “Killer. You only need one thing.”

 

She dives beneath the racks for shoes and emerges with black leather boots with a three and a half inch heel that go up to my knees. I look at her in disbelief, “Am I trying to make some extra money tonight?”

 

Gia ignores me and pushes me to the screen that I can dress behind. I pull on the outfit and look in the mirror behind me. I defiantly look ready for a night on the town. I probably stand at close to five foot ten. I come out from behind the screen and Gia has already gotten a flashy black top on with jeans, “Damn you look good!” she exclaims.

 

“Yeah Beth, Jake will love you.”

 

“Jake? Who’s Jake?” I ask confused.

 

Gia elbows Derek and he immediately goes silent, looking slightly sheepish. I look to Gia, but she ignores my look, pulling on some high heels on, “You are not setting me up are you?”

 

Derek goes behind a screen to change and scurries to get out of my firing range. Gia scowls in the direction he left, “Thanks for the back up baby.”

 

“You’re welcome cupcake.”

 

A door opens to the building and a guy walks in, dressed similar to our attire. He comes in and waves at Gia, “Hey G.”

 

Gia waves back carefully, trying not to smile, “Hey Jake.”

 

The guy comes up to me and shakes my hand, “And you must be Beth.”

 

I shake his hand, “You must be Jake.”

 

He smiles, “Were going to have a nice time tonight. It’s nice to meet a girl with the same interests as me.”   

 

“And what interests would those be?” I ask, eyeing Gia.

 

“Well, number one being rock and roll.”

 

“I’m not following.”

 

Gia comes over and hands me a ticket, “You love rock music, so Derek got tickets tonight to see The Who live at Madison Square Garden.”

 

My jaw drops and Derek comes out from hiding, “So we are all going to have lunch, browse the city and then go to the show.”

 

Jake flashes me a smile, “I guess they didn’t tell you.”

 

“NO, of course not.”

 

He takes my hand, “Don’t worry, I’m not a crazy person or anything.”

 

I smile and leave my hand in his. Tonight I’m going to relax.

_______________________________________________________________

 

How much did you take? Were you getting high with Britney? Have you ever slept with two groupies at once?

 

That was the extent of my day. I wanted to pound my fists into every fucking stupid person who asked me that today. I came back to the hotel and collapsed on my bed, pulling out every single drug I had in the room and started my relaxation. Trace came in and we snorted for a while but it wasn’t enough and pretty soon I started to shoot heroin. Trace tried to tell me to stop but finally he gave up and left the room in search of some girls. He calls someone to come and get me as he leaves around midnight and I wish he wasn’t the person he is now. The guy who used to stay with me when I fucked up rather than called someone to deal with me.

 

I sit alone, barely able to think until someone comes in my room. Beth sighs angrily as she sees me laying on the bed, “Did you know I had to run out on drinks with friends on my night off because you decided to try and overdose on drugs?”

 

Great. She has friends and I don’t. How the fuck did that happen? When did this all happen?

 

I ignore her and eye her outfit, “Where have you been, walking street corners?”

 

Beth looks at me angrily, “At a concert. You are a mess.”

 

The world spins and I put my head back against the mattress. I hear Beth go around the room before she snatches something off the bed. Then I hear the toilet flush and I know what she’s done. I sit up which I must have done way too quickly because I can’t see. I wait until my vision comes back to me to move but by then it’s too late. She’s flushed all the drugs down the drain.

 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I ask angrily as she comes back in the room.

 

“I’m doing what someone should have done for you a long time ago.” she argues.

 

“Do you know how much money you just flushed?”

 

“Well if you weren’t so stupid as to have spent it on that shit we wouldn’t be in this position would we?”

 

I am so mad it’s not even funny, “You’re fired.”

 

Beth stares at me before sitting down in the chair next to the bed, “Fine.”

 

I wait but she does nothing, “What are you doing? Didn’t you hear me? Get out.”

 

“No, you fired me so now I can do whatever I want.”

 

“I’ll call security.” I threaten, trying to get her to leave me to die in peace.

 

“Go ahead. I bet you can’t even dial a phone.” she counters.

 

I know she’s right. I feel like dying right now. I lay back down and Beth moves onto the bed next to me. In spite of myself and probably because I haven’t thought this move through, I put my head in her lap. She strokes my head and runs her fingers through my short hair. It brings a lot of comfort and I close my eyes.  

 

“You may be a mess, but you’re going to be okay.” She whispers.

 

And tonight, that’s all I need to be told.

 

 

I’ll admit, when I got a phone call from Trace last night after midnight I was pissed off to say the least. Jake, Gia, Derek and I had just gotten to a club after the concert and we were still on a high from the concert. It was phenomenal and Jake, well let’s just say that he was blessed with good looks and charm. I was talking to him over a beer while Gia and Derek were dancing and felt like I finally had a nice medium in my life when I answer my phone to find Trace blubbering about Justin’s habit having gotten out of control. Again.

 

I had to apologize to Jake, Gia needed no explanation, and ran out cursing the eighth world wonder all the way to his door. Something hit me really hard when I was him though. I was afraid he was going to die then and there when I first came in. He was barely coherent and pasty all over, sweating from cold chills. I threw out all the drugs, which led to him firing me. Yep, I got fired. I spent the night on the bed making sure he was okay, and he slept though it just fine.

 

I woke up about six and grabbed a quick shower before changing back into the clothes I had worn the previous night. The shoes were fun for a while but my feet are killing me now so I’m going to wait for the last second to put them on. I search through the crap thrown every which way in the room for my purse, which I tossed somewhere in a fit of rage over the situation when I walked in. Now if I could only remember where it was.

 

Justin stirs and opens his eyes as I get up from kneeling next to the bed, “Morning.”

 

He groans and rubs his eyes, “What time is it?”

 

“Almost six thirty.” I say absentmindedly as I search under the clothes on the floor.

 

Justin looks at me as if he’s not sure how to address last night’s binge. Instead, he changes the conversation to a safe subject, “Are we late for something?”

 

I grab the blackberry that I had put on the side table rather than in my purse which is a God send right now and go through it, “You are not late for anything. You only have to be on your tour bus by nine this morning. Your heading for Maryland next.”

 

Justin nods and sits up. We look at each other for a moment before the awkwardness sets in and I go back to looking for my purse.  

 

“What are you looking for?” he asks questioningly.

 

“A hidden secret camera that I keep in your hotel room and watch to see if you got changed in front of it.” I retort.

 

“I bet you do.” He smirks.

 

I roll my eyes, “I’m looking for my purse so I can be on my way.”

 

“To where? I thought you said I didn’t have anything to do, which means you don’t unless I ask you to do something.”

 

“Do you remember anything about last night?” I say, putting hand on my hips.

 

Justin frowns, “No…. not really. Why? Did we do…….”

 

I throw my hands up on the air, “I’m not desperate. Having sex with you last night would have been as exciting as having sex with a corpse. You fired me during your rant.”

 

Justin frowns and gives me a face like he’s going to be sick, “Could you refrain from comparing sex with me to sex with a dead person please?”

 

“Feel better, after this morning you’ll never have to listen to me again.” I say. I decide to grab some coffee from the pot before searching for the bag again. It contains medicine for a migraine though and I’ll have to find it soon because I can feel one coming on.

 

“Hey, wait.” Justin calls after me as I go to grab the coffee in the dining room part of the suite.

 

“What?”

 

“Look, you made sure I mad it through the night so I think I can safely say that you are re-hired, alright?”

 

I pause for a minute and look at him. I could be free of all of this. But then what would Sam do for school? I sigh in defeat, “Fine. I’m going to grab some coffee.”

________________________________________________________________

 

I stretch my body out as Beth goes to get some coffee. I have been scrunched up all night laying on her, that part I do remember. I can’t believe Trace left me though. Called my fucking personal assistant and left me to die alone. Everything has changed.  

 

I move of something that is sticking into my ribs and pull it out from under me to reveal Beth’s purse. I get up as the contents of it are spilled all over the bed. Apparently I was sleeping on it the whole time. I put the objects back in her purse, lipstick, advil, passes to get through the arena gates, a planner and a brush when I stop as I pick up a picture. It’s a picture of a little girl, blonde hair and blue eyes, grinning over a cake. She has a princess crown on her head and the cake has a number one candle on it. It can’t me Beth, unless she went brunette later on in life. I study the picture a little longer before I notice the banner in the back of the picture. Happy Birthday Sarah.

 

Sarah. The name Beth was screaming while she was sleeping. I look at the back of the picture but there is no date. My mind tries to figure this whole thing out when I look up to see Beth looking down at me angrily, “Why the fuck are you going through my things?”

 

Caught.

 

“I was sleeping on your purse and the stuff spilled out. I was only putting the things back in it.”

 

“And looking through my stuff.” She says, grabbing the picture out of my hand and stuffing it into her purse as she forcefully puts it on her shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Forget it, just get dressed and let’s go.” She says in a huff as she closes the door.

 

I stare in the direction she left. It was just a picture, it never occurred to me that she would get so upset. What’s the big deal anyway? Obviously we both need some sleep. I take a quick shower and pull on some clothes, heading down into the lobby. Trace is sitting in the chair in the breakfast area and I bypass it, choosing to sit down next to Beth. She looks up from her papers resting in her lap, “You need to eat something before we head out.”

 

I look at her and do my best innocent face, “Could you get it for me?”

 

Beth gives me a get real look, “It’s right over there. Are you incapable of walking ten feet to get breakfast?”

 

“Please? I don’t feel great after last night.” I beg.

 

Beth begrudgingly gets up, “What do you want?”

 

I smile, “A bagel with cream cheese?”

 

Beth goes over to get me some food as I shift through some of the newspapers on the table in front of the couch. Trace waits until he gets fed up and stands, looking around for me. He finally spots me as Beth comes back with my bagel and follows her. Beth hands me my food and Trace eyes me annoyed, “I’ve been waiting for you.”

 

“I slept late.” I respond curtly.

 

“It’s fine. What time are we leaving?”

 

“Did someone not tell you? You’re not riding on the bus with me, your riding in the SUV.”

 

“What?” Beth and Trace ask in unison.

 

Beth protests, “But only Gia and I ride in the SUV.”

 

“Yeah, I don’t want to ride in the car, I ride on the bus with you.”

 

I pull a baseball cap on, “Not anymore. Beth is riding with me.”

 

She stands there stunned and Trace gives me a dirty  look, “Fine, if that’s the way you want it, fine.”

 

Trace storms out of the lobby and Gia comes over to me, “What is going on? Shorty left cursing you right and left.”

 

Beth tries to mouth the words but nothing comes out so I interject, “Trace is riding with you and Beth is riding with me.”

 

Gia stares at me before breaking into a laugh, “Funny Timberlake.”

 

“I’m not kidding, he’s not riding with me.”

 

She looks over at Beth, who is totally lost as to why this is happening to her.

 

“So I get to ride with him? You are going to punish all of us because Trace did something stupid?”

 

I ignore her question as the bus pulls up and I tug on Beth’s sleeve, “Let’s go.”

________________________________________________________________

 

Justin starts to walk out to the bus and I hug Gia tightly, “Take some tequila in with you and get Trace drunk. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll pass out.”

 

Gia snickers, “You take care. If Justin gets out of line, stab him and call me so we can stash his body.”

 

I try to smile as I board the bus. If he thinks he going to be doing drugs in front of me, he’s got another thing coming. Justin is just sitting on the couch when I get on and moves his feet in a silent motion, allowing me to sit across from him. I sit at the edge, hanging slightly over the edge just incase he decides to do something stupid that would cause me to jump up and run the other way.

 

A knock at the bus doors grabs my attention and I get up to open them. A guy stands there with a huge bouquet of roses. He hands them to me and I sigh inwardly, Justin Timberlake needs a gift certificate to the Betty Ford Clinic, not receiving roses from some slut.   

 

“The flowers are for a Bethany Addison.”

 

I nearly drop the roses when I hear that, “Are you sure?”

 

The guy checks his clipboard, “Yes ma’am.”

 

I take the flowers in and close the doors. I walk to the table in the middle of the room and remove the card, reading it. Justin looks over and frowns at me, “I know you are my personal assistant and all, but you are not required to read my personal cards.”

 

“Oh, that’s so sweet J, but the flowers are for me.”

 

Justin pulls the earbuds from his ears and sits up, “There for you?”

 

“Yes genius. Do you really think I would got through your things?”

 

He rolls his eyes, “I just didn’t think anybody with your job was able to hold down a boyfriend when you move all over the world.”

 

“I don’t, that’s the weird thing.”

 

I open the card and read it-

 

Bethany,

 

You ran out so fast last night that I didn’t really get to tell you how much fun I had with you. I also forgot to get your number, or rather you ran out too fast for me to ask for it. So, here is my number, if you ever feel like hanging out again when you come to New York again, 516-436-7845. Hope to hear from you.

 

I grin as I read the card. It’s nice to have some sort of a guy to occasionally go out with when I’m in New York, especially since that is where I live when I am not on the road.

 

“So are they from a guy?”

 

I look up from the card, “You know, just because I am you’re personal assistant doesn’t mean you get to read my personal cards.”

 

“Funny, very funny. You like Playsation?”

 

I bite my lip, “Sometimes.”

 

He throws me a controller, “I have the Playstation 3, you wanna play?”

 

I hesitate, “Okay.”

 

I sit down on the couch and turn on the wireless controller. Justin shifts on the couch and hands me a pillow, “I have to forewarn you, I kick ass.”

 

“Well I should forewarn you, I don’t lose.” I say, looking him strait in the eye.

 

“Game on.”

 

“No kidding.” I smirk as he sets up the game. I glance at the flowers once last time and feel a familiar feeling. The one that tells you someone other than who legally should care about you, does. Life apparently likes to cut you some lack every once in a while. I lean back against the couch as Justin and I start playing virtual street basketball.  

 

“So it was a guy.”

 

“You are so nosy.”

 

Justin tried to lean over and take my controller but I push his hand, “I’ll call a foul, I swear.”

 

“You like basketball?”

 

“Love it. If I was taller I might have chosen a different career path.” I kid.

 

“I think most people would chose a different career if they could.”

 

I look away from the TV, “Even you?”

 

Justin looks back, “I don’t know anymore.”

 

“So the flowers were from a guy huh?” he says, changing the subject quickly.

 

“So when did you first start sleeping with Britney?”

 

“Point taken.”

 

 

We arrived in Maryland for a few days and Justin and Trace are still not speaking. Well, Trace is talking, Justin is just ignoring him. What does that all mean for me you ask? I’m am so glad you asked. It means that I have an equivalent of a golden retriever insisting on following me wherever I go. I’m lucky I can pee alone. Justin drags me along to whatever he has to do, which means I no longer have down time since when he did things with Trace was my time and when I have to do something, he insists on coming. Sometimes I swear I fantasize about putting him to sleep. Being around Justin all day can get tiring when I can’t relax, I always have to be ready to work. Ugh.

 

Justin and I sit in a dinner as we grab a little dinner at around twelve thirty. I ordered a hamburger and fries, but I only had a few bites before I was done. The schedule has caught up to me and I am feeling beyond tired right now. Justin looks about the same as he barely touches his pasta. His bodyguards watch the table to make sure nothing happens to him and it’s a little unnerving that someone is watching your every move. I guess when you are that popular though you need some kind of security.

 

“You okay?”

 

I realize I’ve been day dreaming out the window of finally being able to go to bed, “Yeah, I’m just a little tired.”

 

“Me too. You get a high being on stage but once I get off, you could stick a fork in me.”

 

I look at him humorously at the choice of words. He looks confused for a moment at my expression but I see his face change as he goes over his words and I laugh a little, “Oh, well not a real high. At least not the one you can get from a illegal substance.”

 

“Well where would the fun be if it wasn’t illegal and deadly.”

 

Justin rolls his eyes, “You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Oh yeah, it’s so hard to understand that you are eventually going to kill yourself and it will be your own fault, no one else’s.”

 

Justin looks annoyed and ends the conversation, “Well we can agree to disagree.”

 

I try to eat a fry, “Whatever you say.”

 

“You should tell me that more often.”

 

I take a sip of my coke, “I would if you were right more than once in a blue moon.”

 

“I’m right a whole lot more than that.” He argues.

 

“Right, and I’m going to run for the presidency.” I say.

 

“Well it’s going to take a whole lot more than a smart mouth to get me to vote for you.”  

 

“I’m sure. You need me in a school girl uniform and on a desk before you would vote for me.”

 

Justin smirks, “At least you understand where I’m coming from.”

 

I look at my watch and groan inwardly. I just want to go to bed, curl up under the sheets and get up when I feel like it. Justin yawns, “Are you ready to go?”

 

I nod and he pulls out a few bills and puts them on the table. We get up from our seats and make our way out of the dinner. It is only a short drive back to the hotel and I make sure to know what the schedule is tomorrow before I fall asleep. Justin gets out of the car and hands me a bottle of water I had left in the car, “So how is everything looking?”

 

“Fine, nothing pressing for tomorrow so you can sleep in until ten. You have a short radio interview to do around eleven thirty and then the concert.”

 

He nods, “Okay, goodnight.”

 

“Night.”

 

I ride the elevator up to my floor and out the card in the designated slot, opening the door. I can barely keep my eyes open as I search through my suitcase for a tee shirt and shorts. The door opens to the adjoining room and Gia comes through it, “Hey, I thought I would never see you again.”

 

I smile and go over to her, wrapping my arms around her waist, “Me either. Justin’s got me whipped.”

 

She groans, “I have no idea what has gotten into him. In all the time I have worked for Johnny I have never seen him fight with Trace, let alone cling to his assistant afterwards.”

 

I shrug, “I guess there is a first time for everything.”

 

“We need to get them talking again if we ever want to spend time together.”

 

“What are we going to do? Lock them in a closet together and tell them to make up?”

 

Gia giggles, “If I could have locked him in a closet I would have done it a long time ago.”

 

“It’s funny though, I don’t even know what they are fighting about.” I muse, pulling down the covers to my bed.

 

“Probably wanted to bang the same girl and it turned out she was a lesbian.”

 

“Mmmm, you are probably right.” I laugh.

 

“I always am.” Gia says, going back to her room.

 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got some flowers from Jake.”

 

Gia gasps and turns right around, getting on the bed, “I knew you guys hit it off! He was so into you.”

 

“I guess he liked me. He gave me his phone number so I might just call him.”

 

“Go for it. You have been sex deprived for far too long.”

 

That is the understatement of the year, “Thanks G.”

 

“No problem. You get some sleep and hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

I grin as I turn over onto my stomach and drift off to sleep.

______________________________________________________________

 

I haven’t gotten high in two days and I am starting to get really antsy. I feel really disoriented and lost. Unfortunately since I’m not talking to Trace right now so all I have is Beth, who we all know is not real happy about my drug use and flushed what I had left. I had some whisky to drink before I went to bed last night which calmed me some, but it’s still not the same thing. All I want is to be as carefree as I feel when I take them.

 

I stumble out of bed and get dressed, getting into the awaiting car with Beth and heading to the radio station. We pull up and go inside where the screams start. Beth covers her ears as security keeps the girls from attacking me. The door is opened to the room were supposed be in and we go inside. I sit in the chair across from the idiot with the head set on and Beth stands in the corner.

 

“So Justin, you have a whirlwind tour going on right now, a scandalous magazine article written from your own mouth and a reputation for knowing how to party. How do you balance that with your work?”

 

If only I could slam my fist into this guy, “Well, only believe half of what you read. I’m thrilled to be touring again and as for the article, everybody is just looking to sell their magazines.”

 

“I mean, it’s not like we didn’t all know you were snorting away and hooking up, you just confirmed our suspicions. You take advantage of being around people who worship you.”

 

I become visibly annoyed, “I have slept with a few girls and done drugs. So what? Why don’t you call the presses and tell them to stop rolling, I have done what no other musician has done before.”  

 

“Well, can you even call yourself a musician? You don’t even play an instrument.” He says, obviously trying to get a rise out of me by the fact that his smile widens with every one of my aggravated sighs.

 

His ass is mine, “Uh, yeah I am a musician as apposed to arrogant dick who will be replaced by another disk jockey in a year.”

 

The guy laughs, “I wouldn’t call your music timeless kid.”

 

“At least I don’t sit on my ass all day and eat doughnuts till I’m the size of a blimp.”

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, the great and almighty Justin Timberlake at his best. I mean really, you preach about loyalty and honesty when the second you spilt with a girl, you do a huge kiss and tell on whatever radio airwaves you can get on. Not only have you shared sexually explicit material about past girlfriends, you treat the women in your life so poorly that Cameron Diaz doesn’t having anything positive to say about you.”

 

I just sit there as Beth motions to the guy the interview is over, “Well, Justin Timberlake is leaving us now. Thanks for the whole five minutes, I’m sure your fans really appreciate it.”

 

I get up and throw the headphones down, storming out of the interview and into the car. Beth gets in after me and sighs, rubbing her forehead.

 

“Why didn’t you stop him?” I ask her angrily.

 

“Why didn’t I? I would have had to stop him three seconds in. You saw Rolling Stone, you knew what you were in for. What about you? You didn’t have to attack him they way you did. Maybe if you were nicer he might have been easier on you.”

 

I don’t say anything, instead choosing to pull out a mini bottle of alcohol and drinking it in one sip. Beth goes for the bottle but I don’t let her get a chance to get her hands on it.  

 

“Fine, go ahead and pout.” She says in frustration.

 

We get to the arena and go inside. I make a beeline for the gym and start pounding the basketball into the floor and aggressively shooting the ball, if that is even possible. Beth walks in and sinks to the floor and watches me.

 

The door on the other side of the gym opens up and a kid about twelve starts running down the court, “Belle!”

 

Beth’s head jerks up and freezes as the kid slams into her with a bear hug, “I missed you!”

 

“Sam? What are you doing here?” Beth asks in alarm.

 

I stop bouncing the ball and come over to them. Sam has got his arms in a death grip around her and Beth looks worried and confused at the same time.

 

“I was staying with Grandma and she dropped me off for the day so I could spend it with you.”

 

“Oh hon, I thought I would call you when you could come and see me.”

 

“I know, but Grandma said I could come.”

 

Johnny comes into the gym angrily, “Bethany, can I speak with you now?”

 

Beth looks down at Sam and doesn’t know what to do. I step closer to the two of them and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder, “You must be Beth’s brother.”

 

Sam nods eagerly, “Yep.”

 

“Well your sister has to do something for a few minutes, you want to hang out with me and play ball until she gets back?”

 

“Sure. Not everyone can play ball with a superstar.”

 

I smirk, I like this kid already. Beth tries to interject but Johnny calls her again so she bends down to Sam, “I’ll call my friend if I’m gone more than fifteen minutes to take you back to my hotel room alright?”  

 

Sam nods and grabs the ball from my hands and starts to dribble it, sinking into the hoop. Beth reluctantly leaves and Sam throws the ball to me, “So how is it being famous and all?”

 

I guess the kid isn’t shy or star struck, “It okay most if the time. You in school?”

 

Sam nods, “I am, I have one last week to do and then I am done for the summer.”

 

Memories flood my head, “I used to love when school ended. It meant I could sleep in every day.”

 

“I love my school. I really like math and science, so Belle pays for me to go to a special school.”

 

“A special school?” I ask confused.

 

“Like a magnet school, an advanced school. It’s kind of like skipping grades even though you’re not because the school work is harder.”

 

“And you like that?” I ask, shooting the ball.

 

“I was bored at my other school. Now I don’t get bored.”

 

I stand in awe, “How old are you?”

 

Sam dribbles before shooting, “Twelve.”

 

“Are you the youngest?”

 

“Yeah. Belle calls me hers because there is such an age difference.”

 

 “Is Beth your only sibling?”

 

Sam thinks about it before tossing me the ball, “She’s my only living one.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“My sister Sarah died from a drug overdose when I was seven. I don’t really remember her because she lived with my dad and we lived with my mom, but Belle does.”

 

I stand in shock. It’s like when you are trying to do a jigsaw puzzle when you are missing the pieces and then all of a sudden, you find them and put the whole thing together. Everything Beth has done up until this point suddenly makes sense. She saw her sister in me.       

 

Beth comes back into the gym and looks like she might cry at any moment, which Sam picks up on immediately, “Belle, you okay?”

 

I look up at Beth and I see her study me before getting more upset. I’m sure my expression tells her that I know about Sarah. I don’t want her to feel like I was prying; it’s a normal question to ask a kid when you’re meeting one for the first time. It’s not like I specifically asked who Sarah was.

 

Beth holds out her hand, “Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s go get you something to eat.”

 

Sam gives me back the ball with a wave and I watch the two of them leave the gym.

 

 

Gia came over and introduced herself to Sam over lunch and distracted him from me. Johnny nearly fired me after the radio interview. I don’t know what I was supposed to do, end the interview as soon as it began? The bottom line is any interview he gives for at least the next six months will have the Rolling Stone article included in it.  If they didn’t want the subject brought up they should have never scheduled the interview, especially a live one. So I had to sit through a lunch with my little brother that I couldn’t even enjoy.

 

Sam tagged along to the sound check and I let him sit through the concert which he was ecstatic about. Saying goodbye was the hardest part since I felt like our time had been wasted because he was finally here but I was so distracted from work that I barely could listen to him while he told me about life at home. Gia sat with me while I poured my heart out to her all night. Working for Justin has me at my wits end. I knew this job wasn’t easy but getting reprimanded for something I had absolutely nothing to do with was beyond my comprehension. Then there is the whole Sarah thing that I wanted to keep totally private.

 

I look out the window this morning and its pouring rain. At least it’s mimicking my mood. Gia beyond cranky as well since Johnny took his annoyance with Justin’s publicity out on her, sending her around Maryland for a very specific kind of coffee that came from one coffee shop and hour away that turned out to be closed. Gia and I were plotting our double murder when I received a call from Justin. I watch as his name flashes on the screen as Gia looks over at me, “You’re not going to get that?”

 

“He can leave a message.”

 

“That’s it, play hard to get. That will really send him up the wall.”

 

I stare at the blackberry angrily as it reads that I have a message waiting. I dial my voice mail and listen to the message, “Beth, it’s Justin, you need to get your butt down here because we have to go to the studio today.”

 

I delete the message and sigh. Gia looks over at me, “You know you have to go.”

 

“I know.”

 

 “It doesn’t mean you have to like it, you just have to go, do your job and leave it at that. Don’t worry about socializing with him.”

 

I nod, “I know you’re right. I just have never had this job wear me down so much in the five years I have been doing it.”

 

Gia tosses me a protein bar, “I think maybe you need have a day off.”

 

I feel like screaming, “Yeah, that would play out well. Hey Justin, I really need a day off so could you manage to get your own coffee today?”

 

Gia comes over and sits down next to me, “Okay, maybe that one won’t work. What do you do to relax?”

 

“I listen to music.”

 

“So tune him out. When you ride on the bus with him just put on your ipod and do your thing. I don’t know where Trace is this morning but I can’t wait to listen to him complain about riding with me again.”

 

“Thanks for the pep talk.” I say, putting my head on her shoulder.

 

“No problem. Go do your thing.”

_______________________________________________________________

 

Last night I sat in my room staring at my drugs on the table. A guy I know had dropped them off earlier for me and I couldn’t wait to take a hit. That is, until I heard about Sarah. It makes everything everyone had said about drugs seem impossibly real. That was the whole reason I started on them. To get away from reality and to think that it is the true reality has made me a little crazed. I just stared at the substances for hours until trying to sleep but never really going to sleep.

 

Now I wait anxiously for Beth to come into the arena. She has always been here to meet me and today she is no where to be found. It was an eye opener yesterday which made everything click into place. Unfortunately I’m pretty sure she didn’t want me to know, or wanted to talk about it. That said, Beth hasn’t said more than two words to me since last night so I have no idea what is going through her head. Is she mad at me or upset that I opened old wounds? Then there was the thing with Johnny. Whatever he said to her made her upset enough to look like she was ready to cry.

 

The door to the arena opens and I hop up to see Beth but Gia walks through the door. I sit back in disappointment as Gia comes over to me, “Where’s Johnny?”

 

“Where’s Beth?”

 

“Beth will be here in a minute.”

 

I decide not to bat around the issue, “Is she okay?”

 

Gia looks at me questioningly, “Why do you even care?”

 

“I care alright. What did Johnny say?”

 

“Johnny yelled at her over your interview. Apparently the press over it wasn’t very good for you.”

 

Like I didn’t feel guilty enough, “Is she talking to me?”

 

“Like will she give you a yes or no answer?” Gia asks, surfing through her purse for something buried underneath her crap. Or should I say Johnny’s crap.

 

“Like will she actually engage in a conversation?”

 

Gia’s phone starts to ring and she growls at it, “Listen I have to answer this but to answer your question, she probably will not be in a chatty mood this morning.”

 

I look up again as the door opens once more and Beth appears. Gia grabs her purse and brushes past Beth, squeezing her hand as she leaves. Beth gives her a look and turns to me. Every emotion she had is gone and is replaced by a stern one. She comes over and hands me a bag, “Breakfast on the go.” She states.

 

I’m not really sure what to say. What can you say? I watch as Beth refuses to make eye contact and we run out to the car in the pouring rain. It’s like a flashback to a few weeks ago. I cautiously get in the car and sit next to her as we ride to the studio. Although I’m in the middle of a tour, I agreed to do a track for the soundtrack to an upcoming movie. We drive very slowly as the rain pounds the car. It’s like a monsoon out there. The car parks on the side of the road so we can run in and we make a mad dash for the door.

 

I brush the water of my jacket as Beth walks a few steps behind, doing a similar gesture to her clothes. Since I’m producing it, only one other person is in the studio to start and stop the equipment. Kyle sits behind the glass and signals to me when I’ve finished a take. Beth is in the other chair but is paying more attention to the cat sleeping in the chair next to her than on me.  

 

After a few hours, I come out from the recording area and talk a little to Kyle about how it sounds, “I really like it dude.”

 

Kyle laughs, “You should, it kicks ass. But then again, whatever you record does.”

 

“Listen, why don’t you get out of here before you need a boat. I just want to fool around with my vocals a little.”

 

“Sure man, see ya. Nice to meet you Bethany.”

 

“Nice to meet you.” She says quietly.

 

Her head is against the back of the wall and the cat has decided that her lap is more comfortable than the chair. I touch a few knobs before finally turning around, “Are you mad at me?”

 

Beth looks at me in surprise, “No.”

 

“No? That’s all I get? I didn’t mean to pry about Sarah, I swear.”

 

Beth bites her bottom lip gently, “It’s a combination of everything Justin. I have even begun to wonder if I’ll make it through the whole tour with you.”

 

I go to say something when the lights go out with a snap. Beth jumps as the cat leaps off her lap, “What the hell?”

 

The only light in the room is a flickering candle in the corner of the room. I pull out my lighter and look around the room, “I think the power is out.”

 

“No kidding? I thought maybe we were going to play ghost in the graveyard.”

 

I squint at her in frustration, “At least your tongue still works.”

 

Beth scowls at me and looks out the window, “It’s raining too hard to drive back. We’re stuck here until it let’s up a little.”

 

I look out and she’s right. The thin light that comes through the window reflects onto her arm and I can see goose bumps. I just want to get everything out in the open. Beth lights a few more candles so you can at least see in the room and sits down on the floor. I pause for a second before making a move. I sit down inches from her, “Let’s talk.”

 

“What?”

 

“Don’t you want something that’s real? Just once have something meaningful?”

 

Her face softens, “Every day.”

 

“So let’s get everything out in the open. I’m sorry about what I said in the car yesterday. It’s not your fault that the interview went horribly.”    

 No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes 

Beth cocks her head to the side, “Thanks.” “I didn’t mean to get you in trouble with Johnny either. If I had know he was going to be that pissed I would have done something.” “I’m sorry I got upset about Sarah. Sam told me you only asked him how many siblings we had.” “So, what did happen to Sarah? If you can talk about it I mean.” I stutter.  Beth looks at me sadly, “Sarah was my older sister. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, just stunning. We were four years apart and when Sarah was eight, me dad started entering her in beauty pageants because we had no money. He is a construction worker, my mom as you know is a waitress. Sarah started winning pageant after pageant and we started pulling in an extra income.”

No one knows what its like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free 

I watch as Beth pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them as if to keep herself safe from the demons she remembers. Like somehow they can still come after her even to this day.  “My mom became pregnant when I was twelve and has Sam when I was thirteen, but my parents divorced as soon as Sam was born. My dad wanted Sarah, so he fought my mom for custody, which he won. He didn’t want us. Sam and I stayed with my mom and Sarah was taken about an hour away to another town to live with dad.” “Messy divorce huh?”  Beth nods, “Sarah is the only reason dad had stayed for so long, he wanted her to grow up with a mother. Then Sarah got an opportunity to do some big time modeling in London if you made the top ten models, which meant I wasn’t going to get to see her for at least a year. So, I dyed my hair blonde and entered the competition. But I wasn’t pretty enough and didn’t make the top ten.”

  
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free 

“I’m sorry Beth.” I say, trying to comfort her. She shakes her head as if to give off that she really wasn’t hurt, but her eyes give her away, “It’s fine. Sarah went off and I stayed here. I saw her occasionally every year at Christmas and she would tell me of the wild parties and guys that she got to hang out with. By the time I was nineteen, she was a total junkie. Her skin was shot to hell from everything she was taking and became solely dependant on it. Then when I was twenty I got the call at college that Sarah had overdosed on drugs in Germany.”

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes 

I shiver a little as Beth laughs it off, “If I was prettier I might have been there with her, you know? Been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. But I wasn’t. We never knew what drugs killed her, just a combination of everything.” 

“Beth- “

"It’s all water under the bridge now.” She says. 

I look at her, “That’s why you were so concerned about me.” 

“You have no idea when your last day on earth might be. Don’t take it for granted. Your decisions affect other people as well as yourself.” 

“I’m sorry you had to deal with me.”  

“What about Trace? You aren’t even speaking to him.” 

I get more comfortable on the floor, “He left me. He left me when I really needed him. I could have died that night you came up and stayed with me and he just left. I told him to go back home this morning, that’s why you haven’t seen him today.” 

Beth looks surprised, “It’s like you can’t depend on anyone anymore.” 

“All I wanted was to sing. To do what I loved and sometimes I wake up and think, this is not what I signed up for. I find myself hating the one thing I have truly loved my whole life and that scares the shit out of me. Drugs were a way to cope with the reality of things and then after hearing about your sister, it turns out that drugs are the epitome of the very thing I was running from. The world is so fucked up.”   

Beth smiles a little, “But it’s conversations like these that let you know that maybe it’s not all bullshit out there. Maybe somewhere people can be honest about things. Really live in the real world void of all the excess that weighs us down.” 

“It’s nice of you to pay for Sam’s school.” I say, changing the subject to stop thinking about how alone I really am. 

“He needed it, my parents couldn’t afford it so I did it.” 

“You’re a good sister.” 

A flash of hurt crosses her face and she looks up, “I think it stopped raining.” 

I look out too and see that she’s right, “I’ll drive us back.” 

“Okay.” I stand up and retrieve the keys from my pocket. 

“You know, if it makes you feel any better, what you love is real music. The thing that you sit down and write, adding a melody to and giving it life. The way you live is not music. It’s just excess.” 

“I guess I’ll have to try living in the real world.” 

“It would be a start.” She says, getting in the car. I go around and get in the drivers seat, driving us back in time to do what I was born to do.    

The Who-Behind Blue Eyes

 

I clean up after the after party which I was so happy to do with Gia. Cups, plates and napkins are littered all over the room and I’m on my hands and knees picking up people’s used shit and throwing it away.  

 

“I’m telling you G, he was actually human for a minute. I was like a real connection.”

 

Gia sighs, “People say Michael Jackson is human and he doesn’t even have a nose.”

 

I look up from my position of kneeling on the floor, “Gia.”

 

“I’m serious, absolutely nothing there.”

 

“I mean it.”

 

“I just can’t comprehend how any person could have an actual conversation with that man let alone feel a connection.”

 

I stand up and put a hand on my back where a dull ache is beginning to ache, “It was the weirdest thing but I swear, it was like getting permission to probe how he really feels about things. His answers were so honest it kind of shocked me.”

 

Gia snorts, “Did you take some sort of medication before you had this “deep” conversation? Maybe a sedative perhaps?”

 

I smirk, “Funny G.”

 

“Thank you, I’ll be here all night.”

 

“Unfortunately I think we both will. Who knew how badly twenty people could trash a room.”

 

“Oh honey, this is nothing compared to what Justin has left me with before. I swear when he gets high, he throws things around the room just to watch people like us clean it up.”

 

I get myself a beer from the half empty cooler, “I don’t know. Something about him… I think he’ll lay off the shit for a while.”

 

“When will you learn they lie? I know that you are as sweet as a peach in the summertime as we sat down south but he is neither trustworthy or honest. Just go on without trying to understand him and you’ll actually finish this tour with your sanity.”

 

I shake my head, “But he was so real. Like we actually connected there for a moment.”

 

“Note the word “moment.” That’s because that’s all his small attention span can manage.” Gia quips.

 

“The point is, I felt comfortable talking to him and he shared his thoughts with me.”

 

“I’m sure he thought he was talking to Santa Clause or something. Let it go girl.”

 

I sweep up some of the food as the door to room opens and Justin comes in, “Beth?”

 

I look up confused, “Hi.”

 

He looks from Gia to me, “I was wondering if you would come with me to the pool.”

 

I look over at Gia who rolls her eyes, “Go, I’ll stay here and clean up.”

 

I bite my lip, “I’ll meet you out here after I’m done.”

 

Justin nods, “The pool is just out back. Just tell them your name at the gate and they’ll let you in.”

 

Justin leaves the room and Gia comes over to me, “What are you doing? Go on, don’t stay here and clean up this crap.”

 

“Hey, I’m happy to stay here with you.” I say, throwing her some disinfectant.

 

“Liar.”

 

I wipe of the table and grin at her. She is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet in your life and I have the pleasure of being around her most of the time.

 

We spend about fifteen minutes cleaning up before Gia gives me an affectionate shove, “Go on. You wouldn’t want to keep Aristotle waiting. I’ll see you tonight.”

 

I quickly run my hands under the facet to clean up and grab my purse, heading outside and around the back of the hotel to the pool area. The humidity in the air is enough to make anyone want to retire to any area with an air conditioning unit. I pull out my pass and give the guard my name before heading past the gate to see Justin relaxing in the pool. I walk over to the edge and sit down, taking off my shoes and dangling my extremely sore feet in the soothing water, “What’s up?”  

 

Justin looks up at me, “Where’s your bathing suit?”

 

“I don’t have one with me.”

 

“Why not?”

 

I laugh, “I didn’t know I was allowed to have any off time to swim.”

 

Justin swims over to me, “I’m not that bad.”

 

I smile, “Maybe not.”

 

“Maybe?”

 

“I normally withhold judgment until I know the person.” I say, moving my feet against the water circulating in the pool.

 

“Good for you. Too bad I’m not a patient person.” Justin says, grabbing my ankles and pulling me into the water. Before I know it, I’m submerged under the water and I feel his hands grab my sides, bringing me to the surface for air.

 

“What was that for?”

 

Justin shrugs, “You looked like you needed a little fun.”

 

“Well after you trashed your room like you did, who wouldn’t be tired?” I ask dryly.

 

Justin puts his tongue in his cheek, “You are so not funny.”

 

“Actually I’m very witty.” I respond.

 

“Says who?” he scoffs.

 

“Says all the people I have ever come across. Maybe you should get a sense of humor.”

 

“Oh, that’s it.” Justin says, trying to dunk me. I squirm free and giggle incessantly as he swims after me. Finally he catches up with me and I try to keep from laughing as he stares at me, trying to be as serious as possible, “You are in so much trouble.”

 

I shake my head no as he nods his, “I am going to get you so drunk.”

 

“I can handle my liquor thank you very much.”

 

Justin laughs, “Not my kind of liquor.”

 

“Maybe you should try a simple beer.” I offer.

 

“What would that numb?” he adds bitterly.

 

I release myself from his grip and tread water, “You know, they say that if you stop taking drugs cold turkey that you use other things like alcohol to take its place. You need to be careful.”

 

Justin instantly tightens up. He gets frustrated and swims to the side of the pool, getting out and wrapping a towel around his waist. I feel resentment rise in me, but say nothing, swimming to the side of the pool and pull my saturated body out. I grab a towel and don’t even look at him as I leave. Gia has the right idea here, you should never share anything with the celebrities we work for. At  least G and I can watch a movie or something together and I probably won’t be riding with Justin on the bus tomorrow, which will give me a break.

 

I fold my arms over my chest and go up to my floor, getting into my room for a little girl talk.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I sit in the bed with about a half dozen empty bottles that were filled with alcohol not an hour ago sitting before me, taunting my situation. Beth was right. She knew it and I knew it. Too bad for Beth I really didn’t want to hear it. The whole reason I asked her if she would come with me to the pool was to keep me company. Right now being alone scares me. I shake with the need to relax. I never considered myself a junkie but I feel like I’m a mess. Then I began to take pain medication to numb everything but that shit is harder to get and made me lethargic during concerts, so it was on to the booze.

 

I can’t stand, believe me I’ve tried several times and each attempt is stunted as I tumble to the ground. I managed to claw myself back onto the bed as I try not to get sick, especially when I’m facing the ceiling. That’s how Keith Moon and Jim Morison died, chocking on their own excess, although one of the causes was drugs which I haven’t taken in a few days. A door to my room opens and Tony appears, “Dude, you alright? Damn we need a doctor again.”

 

“Just get Beth.” I mumble.

 

“What?” Tony says as he dials the doctor.

 

 “Get Beth now.” I scream hoarsely.

 

Rob comes in and Tony leaves to get Beth. Within thirty seconds Tony returns with Beth and she comes over to me, although clearly still annoyed about earlier, “Are you alright?”

 

I shake my head no.

 

“Had enough?” she asks simply.

 

I look at her, “I think I need help.”

 

“Like rehab?”

 

I nod again and Beth breathes a sigh of relief, “Finally. I’ll make some calls and have you in a rehab center by tomorrow.”

 

The doctor practically flies into the room and has me sit up. The second I do I get sick all over the floor. Beth sits down next to me as the doctor tries to see how much I have had to drink and what to do. All I know is by this time tomorrow I’ll be in rehab.

________________________________________________________________________  

 

I sit in the car at about seven in the morning as we drive to the rehab clinic. As soon as I was sober enough last night, I was on a plane headed for California to a local rehab center there. I know I sound like a fucking pussy right now but I’ll admit, I’m nervous. That is probably one reason as to why I have my fingers wrapped around Beth’s. I feel like I should be giving birth. Beth doesn’t say anything, which I’m grateful for. I want to be able to just feel what I feel instead of having to explain to her why that the second she got in the car and found her hand with my clammy one. She doesn’t ask questions, instead is there for moral support. Besides, I think she already knows how I feel. And that alone makes me feel better, just to know that someone understands.

 

The tour has be postponed for a month which infuriated record execs as well concert promoters. Within hours this shit will be all over the papers and I know that there will be speculation as to what exactly I’m recovering from. That should be fun. My mom was called as she’s meeting us at the rehab. She had no idea how bad things were so the news that I was entering a clinic sent her through the roof. She knew I had done drugs a few times but knew nothing about my habit. Until this morning.

 

We arrive at the clinic and it’s almost like a resort from the outside. The cameras that followed us realize the goldmine they have and flashes start going off wildly. Rob opens the car door and I step out, still clutching Beth’s hand. I see my mom as she comes running over to me and collides with my body, hanging on for dear life, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”

 

I let go of Beth and hug my mom, “It’s going to be alright mom.”

 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me it was this bad.” She says out of slight anger and concern.

 

“I’m sorry mom. At least I’m doing this.”

 

She nods, tears streaming down her face, “I know. You’re going to be fine.”

 

Mom looks from me to Beth and back to me, “I’m Lynn.” She says, extending her hand.

 

I scoot Beth closer, “Mom, this is my personal assistant Beth.”

 

Beth shakes her hand and I watch as my mom eyes her carefully as to why she’s here. I go to explain when I see a familiar blonde get out of her car and walk over to us, “Justin, I came as soon as your mom called.”

 

That’s the one good thing I had thought would be the best thing about this place, maybe Cameron wouldn’t contact me, “What are you doing here?” I ask.

 

“I wanted to be here for you. Even though we are not together anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” She says, eyeing Beth as well, though in a “Don’t even think about it” way.

 

Beth looks extraordinarily uncomfortable as the two biggest influences in my life size her up. She is saved though as Rob moves us to the clinic and into the building. We are all greeted by the director of the establishment who leads us to the bedroom I’ll be staying in. The reality hits me of exactly what’s happening and I see Beth watching me out of the corner of her eye. I set down my things as Cam and mom go about the room, inspecting it and opening my suitcases to put my things away. Only Beth sits down on the bed next to me. I give her a silent thank you as Cam, who notices Beth once again slides in between the two of us, “I’ll come visit you and call.”

 

“Great.” is all I can manage to say. I wonder if they treat possessive exes at this place.

 

One of the people that work here comes into my room, “Visiting time is over, you need to leave and let Mr. Timberlake get settled.”

 

Mom starts to cry again and hugs me tightly followed by Cam, “We’ll see you soon.”

 

I nod and everyone starts to leave the room. I grab Beth’s wrist as she leaves and give her as quick hug, “Thanks for everything. I’m sorry about the whole pool thing.”

 

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

She looks surprised, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you in a month.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Get better. Maybe you’ll be faster with your come backs after this.”

 

I try to laugh a little, “I think your to much of a smart ass for me to ever be that quick.”

 

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

Beth smiles as she walks out, “That’s true. See you on the other side Timberlake.”

 

“You too Beth.”

 

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground
What have we found?
The same old fear
Wish you were here.

 

Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here

 

It’s been thirty days. Thirty long days and today I get to board a plane to New York for a few days rest before resuming the tour in Georgia. Cam kept her promise unfortunately and visited me every week like clockwork. My mom came to see my often and the good news is that I no longer crave drugs. I worry still though because the reason I started to use drugs was to block out the reality of my life. Here, it’s peaceful and the pressure is off so while it wasn’t easy to wean myself off of everything, I did it. Going back into the world though, that is going to be the really difficult part. In a way, rehab is the easy part. People are supportive of you and can relate to what you are going through in your life. Out in the world, people don’t give a damn what you think or how you feel. They are not here to support you; they are here to focus on themselves.  

 

I put my things in my luggage carefully and zip it up slowly as my mom comes in the room, “You ready to go?”

 

I nod, “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

 

My mother picks up one of may bags and wheel it out. I stand up and grab the handle taking one last look around before exiting the room and finally the facility. The time away from the spotlight was good for me. It allowed me to focus on what I really want out of life as well as kicking my addictions. The month felt like it dragged on and flew bye at the same time. At times in the beginning of this whole process, the hours seemed to go by so slowly when all I wanted was something to take away the pain. Then everything seemed to be moving way too fast to the point where I stayed awake all last night wondering if I was ready for the transition back to reality. I guess were going to find out.

 

Rob puts my things in the back of the car and my mom sits with me in the back as we drive to the airport. Always supportive of me, mom wants to make sure I’m okay in New York before leaving for home. I talked to Trace since I went into rehab and he apologized for how he acted that night in the hotel. While I didn’t ask him to join the tour again, I am slowly allowing him back into my life. It took me a while to forgive him for what he did, but I realized he had done what I had. He had let the lifestyle take him over. I’ll never let that happen to me again.

 

We board the plane and after about six hours we arrive in New York and check into a hotel. I’m rushed through the lobby to get away from onlookers and questions I don’t want to answer. The first person I see is Johnny and he spots me, moving swiftly over and giving me a friendly hug, “How you feeling champ?”

 

I smile, “Much better. It’s nice to feel like I’m in control again.”

 

“The good news is that the whole rehab thing sent your popularity rating through the roof with pity. They have totally changed their tune about you.”

 

“Aren’t I lucky.” I say sarcastically.

 

“Dude, just count your blessings.”

 

I nod and Rob leads me over to the side, “Your bags were taken to your room, number four hundred and three and the food is around the corner.”

 

“Thanks Rob.”

 

Rob starts to laugh and I look at him curiously, “What’s so funny?”

 

“You. I don’t think you have ever said thank you to me in the time I have worked for you. I could get used to this kind of treatment.”  

 

I grin, “Well I could always try to be a jackass and send you out at two in the morning for those potato chips I need.”

 

“And then I would kick you ass.”

 

I shake my head and head around the corner for some food since I haven’t eaten since before we boarded the plane. I turn the corner and I see a few people talking and laughing. I get closer and realize I recognize that brunette. Beth. She’s sitting on some guy’s lap across from Gia and her boyfriend. I stare at Beth and she must have felt my eyes on her because she looks up from her conversation and looks at me. Immediately recognition appears in her face and she jumps up coming over to me. She stops short of running into me and she’s not really sure how to greet me. I lean over and she accepts the hug, giving me a feeling that I was missed.

 

“How are you?” she asks, stepping back from our embrace.

 

“I’m better, thanks for asking.”

 

“You look good. Healthy.”

 

I smirk, “You mean hot?”

 

Beth grins, “I meant like something that didn’t just get pulled off the street.”

 

“It’s nice to be back.”

 

Beth shrugs, “It’s not half as much fun around here unless I have someone to verbally bash when I get angry.”

 

I was in my own world with Beth when Gia interrupts it, “Timberlake, you’re back.”

 

“Didn’t  think I’d make it out alive?” I tease.

 

“I had my doubts. You remember my boyfriend Derek, and this is Jake.”

 

Jake shakes my hand while moving one arm around Beth’s waist in a quick motion as if to stake his territory, “Nice to meet you, Beth has told me so much about you.”

 

I give him a tight smile, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve she ever mentioned you.”

 

Beth laughs lightly, “That’s because we really didn’t hook up until after you left for rehab when I was living here for the month.”

 

I start to feel nauseous as his fingers rub her side gently. This is like a couples retreat I’ve stepped into and I’m not liking it. Then I get an idea to stop this shit and shift the focus back to me, “Well Beth, since I’m back and haven’t socialized in a while I was thinking about throwing a party while I’m still in New York at Dublins.”

 

“Do you think that’s a good idea being fresh out of…. During your small vacation before starting the tour up again?” Beth asks, concern evident in the question. I appreciate her not bring up rehab with two other people here who I don’t know and would prefer to keep my dirty laundry private even if they could just pick up any local magazine and read about it.

 

“It’s be fine, go ahead and set it up.”

 

“I can call the party planner but I can’t promise she’ll be available on such short notice.” Beth points out.

 

“Just do your best.” I answer.

 

Beth nods and goes into assistant mode, pulling out her phone. I have become so fond of that thing it’s amazing. Having my private ring to it might have something to do with it. She kisses Jake and smiles, “I’ll see you after work.”

 

Gia gets a call from Johnny and I watch her eyes roll as she and Derek move to do his biding. Beth follows me as she calls several people and tries to negotiate a way for them to do the party. Finally I hear success in her phone conversation, “Thanks so much. I’ll meet you at the club to help out. Okay, see you then.”

 

Beth turns to me, “We got one but I have to go down and help set it up since she’s short handed. I also sent your guest list over to her and invitations are going out by text message and phone calls. Not the most conventional way of telling people about the party but it will have to do.”

 

“That’s fine, I’ll come with you.”

 

“Justin are you sure you want to do this? I mean between what goes on at these types of parties isn’t exactly the best environment for people in your type of situation.”

 

“I’ll be fine, I swear. Mom is even okay with it.”

 

“If you say so.” She says quietly.

_______________________________________________________________________

 

I set up glasses all along the bag as Connie, the party planner, busts her ass to get everything in order for a party that starts in two hours. Justin sits in a chair nearby, surveying the room and keeping small talk with me as I get the liquor and music together. We haven’t broached the whole rehab situation yet, not that I’m sure he’ll ever want to talk about it to me. I spent a lot of time wondering how he was and how he was doing but what was I going to do, send him a fucking postcard?

 

He seems better, but this whole throwing a party thing I’m not so sure about. Actually I’m positive this isn’t a good thing. Out of all the places to have a party it would have to be a bar. I’m not in charge of him though and apparently he has been deemed capable of making his own decisions.

 

“Did people respond to the invites?” Justin asks casually.

 

I open my phone and show him the rsvp’s, “Yeah, people are excited to come and see you.”

 

Justin scowls as he comes across a name on the screen, “Great.”

 

“Something the matter?”

 

“No, just this person I didn’t want to see right now.”

 

I get down off the short ladder and turn to face him, “Rob can block someone from getting in.”

 

He laughs, “No one could stop Cam from getting in.”

 

I bite my lip softly, “Trouble?”  

 

Justin looks up at my eyes, “I don’t know.”

 

I go back to moving tables around for the guests and look at my watch, “People are going to be arriving shortly.”

 

“I’m ready.” he says confidently.

 

If only I was.

________________________________________________________________________

 

People arrived about three hours ago and it was fun. For about ten minutes. Then it got old fast. People drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and I saw people doing drugs which for the first time in my life, scared the shit out of me. I am actually hiding in the back room and wondering why I left rehab in the first place. The door knob turns to the room and Beth comes in, glancing around until she finds me, “There you are.”

 

Don't ya love her madly
Don't ya need her badly
Don't ya love her ways
Tell me what you say

“Hi.” I mutter.

 

Beth kneels down next to me and puts her hand on my knee, “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine.” I insist.

 

“If you are so fine, why are you hiding out back here?”

 

“I got tired of partying.”

 

Beth cocks her head to the side, “Or is it that things are a little much for you right now?”

 

I hate when she does that. Or love it, I have yet to be positive. She knows me. I’m not sure how but she knows me.

 

Her phone starts to ring and she looks at it, holding it in a position I can see who is calling as well. Jake.

 Don't ya love her madly
Wanna be her daddy
Don't ya love her face
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door
Like she did one thousand times before

Don't ya love her ways
Tell me what you say
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door

Beth doesn’t answer but I can see she’s antsy to do so, “Cameron Diaz is outside and asking for you. I said I would try to find you, but I can say I was unsuccessful.” She offers.

 

“No, it’s fine. She’s going to find me sooner or later.”

 “If you’re sure. Why don’t I send you two back to the hotel together to be alone? That way you are out of here, in the closet.” She says, looking around the tiny room.

All your love
All your love
All your love
All your love

All your love is gone
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream
Seven horses seem to be on the mark

Yeah, don't you love her
Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door 

“I’ll stay here her. If we want to go out for dinner, we will.”

 

Beth gives up and stands, “Okay. If you need me, give me a call. I should be at a local restaurant so I can be here if something happens.”

 

“With Jake?” I inquire.

 

Beth looks up surprised, “Yes, why?”

 “No reason. Just curious.” I mutter.

All your love
All your love
All your love

Yeah, all your love is gone
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream
Seven horses seem to be on the mark

Well, don't ya love her madly
Don't ya love her madly
Don't ya love her madly  

“I’ll see you back at the hotel.” Beth says as she heads out the bar door.

 

Cameron spots me and moves quickly towards me, “Justin, I didn’t know you were out of rehab until this afternoon. You should have called me, I would have been there.”

 

I watch as Beth gets into the car that has pulled up, “Cam, how do you feel about Italian?”

 

The Doors- Love Her Madly

 

We leave for the tour today after several days of recuperation and TLC. After Beth left with Jake a few days ago, I decided to go out with Cameron for a quick bite to eat which has turned into a sort of rekindling in our relationship. She decided to stay with me until the tour started so we have been spending our days together. And nights I might add. Sure her highly annoying way of making me feel like a high school freshmen is dating the college senior can be enough to want to send her packing, when she is herself, everything is good. That’s exactly what I need right now; something good.

 

I decide to walk down the stairs instead of taking the elevator to just me a couple seconds to relax before getting on the bus. I felt Cam’s signature complaint rise up in her throat but she muffled it when I held her hand. We walk down the stairs slowly and I prepare myself to walk outside and start my life again. I feel Cam squeeze my hand and I appreciate the gesture right now. We get down to the lobby and Beth is sitting across from Jake playing some sort of card game.  

 

Gia comes through the front doors and gives Beth a quick pat on the back to tell her we have to leave and hurries over to Johnny to give him some coffee. Beth and Jake clean up the cards and she reaches over the table giving Jake a kiss before hoping up and coming over to me, “It’s time to go.”

 

“Is everything on the bus?”

 

“Yep, everything is loaded and your things are exactly where you want them.” Beth says, heading in the direction in which her name is being called to figure some scheduling conflict out.

 

“So I guess I’ll see you when I see you.” I say, throwing out a ice breaker for the upcoming goodbye. Cam and I were never god at this kind of shit. In a way, Cam and I are made for each other. Neither of us know what to do with serious relationships or able to make commitments easily outside of our work.  

 

Cameron moves her sunglasses from her face to her head, pushing back her hair somewhat, “I’ll come see you in a few weeks. We’ll hang out; try to be normal for once.”

 

“Sounds like a date.” I say.

 

Cameron kisses me softly, “See you soon champ.”

 

I watch her get into her Plymouth Prowler and jet off down the street. Beth comes up behind me and puts her small hand on my back gently, “Let’s go.”

 

I head out the door and into the bus as a million flashes go off followed closely by Beth. We watch out the window at the media frenzy that is my life and don’t speak until we are on the highway. Beth sits back down from her kneeling position to see through the tinted glass and smiles, “It’s deju vu all over again.”

 

“It sure is. So what did I miss while I was gone?”

 

“Nothing much. Gia and Derek finally got a break and moved all their things into their apartment. I guess they had never moved all their things out of storage. Went home for a couple days, saw Sam.”

 

“And hung out with Jake apparently.”

 

Beth can’t stop herself from smiling as her smile spreads over face, “That too.”

 

“So had did that happen in just a month?” I ask, trying to sound casual.

 

“Those flowers I got were from Jake so when you took a break from things, I called him. Before I knew it, we were spending every day together. He’s really a great guy. It’s been around five years since I’ve been with anyone. It’s really nice to finally have that kind of thing again.”

 

Five years? I can’t even fathom going that long without dating anyone, “Well good for you.”

 

“Things seem to be better with you and Cameron since you were hiding from her at your party.”

 

My defenses immediately go up. I’m not about to admit that we are having problems finding a sense of normalcy in a relationship, “I was just a little nervous about starting something up again but in the end, everything worked out.”

 

Beth offers me a slice of her orange, “I’m really happy for you. It’s great to have someone there for you when you need them.”

 

I take the orange slice and eat it, “I guess it’s a new start for both of us. So what exactly does Jake do?”

 

“He’s a roadie for The Who. He tours with them and a few other bands.”

 

“Sounds exiting.” I lie.

 

“It’s an interesting job. The Who’s last stop was in New York so now he is going with Roger Waters.”

 

“From Pink Floyd?”

 

Beth nods, “Yeah. He said that if I get a chance I could go to one of the shows with him.”

 

“Isn’t he the greatest.” I say, not bothering to hide my sarcasm.

 

“Yes he is, thank you very much. What bit your ass?” Beth asks, tipping her head back to look at me.

 

“Nothing, it just seems a little perfect to me. Besides, roadies are never very reliable. Take it from someone who knows roadies pretty well by now.”  

 

“Whatever. You are so full of it Timberlake. You want to talk about things not appearing as they really are, you should take a good look at yourself.”

 

I study her demeanor, “You are really brutally honest aren’t you?”

 

“I thought I could be with you.” Beth replies.

 

I pause for a minute before answering, “You can.”

 

“Good.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

We arrived in South Carolina and I stretch my body out as we get off the bus. I’ve been sitting on that bus for around twelve hours now and it’s about time I get to stretch my sore muscles. Unlike Justin, I can’t just sleep the day away and although there is a TV on the bus, I don’t want to risk waking him up. He looks like he needs the rest.

 

Justin grabs my shoulder and steers me towards the arena. We fall into such a comfortable friendship that it kind of feels like we have known each other for years. Justin points to a beach, “That is our getaway.”

 

“That’s nice, I still don’t have a bathing suit.”

 

“Well you could strip down and take a swim.” He says grinning.

 

“Fat chance. Neither Jake for Miss Diaz would appreciate the thought either.”

 

Justin chuckles, “The photographer for tomorrow is doing a beach scene, I’m sure you could borrow a swim suit from there. And for further reference, during the summer when on tour, bring a swim suit.”    

 

I roll my eyes playfully as Gia comes bounding of the SUV, “Hey, what are you guys up to?”

 

“A little beach time.” I say as Gia surveys Justin’s arm around my neck.

 

“Mind if I join? Johnny is going to grab some dinner early.”

 

“No, come on. Do you have a bathing suit?”

 

Gia wrinkles her nose slightly, “Of course, did you think I was going to go nude?”

 

He ruffles my hair a little, “No, but apparently Beth is. Can you loan her a suit?”

 

“Sure. Come on girl, let’s go change.” Gia says, grabbing my hand.

 

I’m whisked away from under the security of his grip and into the new hotel. Gia and I get into the elevator and she begins her interrogation, “So what’s with the overly touchy embrace out there? He is the last person you need to be bonding with, especially when he is now back with what’s her name.”

 

“Were just friends.” I protest.

 

“Justin doesn’t have female friends. He has concubines.”

 

I glare at Gia, “Friends. Period.”

 

Gia relents and we go into the hotel room. She searches through her suitcase until she comes across her bathing suit and throws me her extra, “Try on this.”

 

I look over the red two piece. Thank God were the same cup size. I go into the bathroom and pull on the suit. It fits fine, a little skimpier than I would normally wear but not something that would be found on Girls Gone Wild. I open the door to the bathroom, “What do you think?” I ask Gia.   

 

She pulls on a pair of shorts and looks up, “Awesome.”

 

I grab an oversized shirt and put it on with some shorts and we start walking over to the beach. Rob and Tiny can be spotted a mile away and a couple of towels are spread out over the sand to protect our bare skin from the burning sand. I sit on the towel next to Justin and Gia immediately goes into sun bathing mode, sunglasses on and lying face down in the towel. I smile as I watch a little boy playing in the waves and squealing in joy from the water, “I love the summer, it’s my favorite time of year. I hate being cooped up.”

 

Justin laughs, “Yet you live in New York.”

 

“It’s close to my family so I can see them but still make enough to support myself.”

 

Justin nods and hands me some sunscreen, “You look like you need this.”

 

“Are you insinuating that I’m too white?”

 

“No, I’m insinuating that your peaches and cream complexion will burn within ten minutes.”

 

I smile, “Thanks.”

 

Justin looks me over, “What are you, English?”

 

“Irish and English. That’s why I’m so fair.”

 

“I figured.”

 

“I do tan, I just burn first if I don’t put any on.” I explain, rubbing the lotion on my arm.

 

“Let me do your back.” Justin says as more of a command then a request.

 

I freeze for a moment before turning my back to him as he lathers it all over my skin. I’m facing Gia and I see her eyebrows go up in surprise and concern, but I shake my head slightly to tell her not to worry. Justin finishes up my back and I stand up, adjusting my swimsuit, “I’m going for a swim.”

 

“I’ll join you.” Justin says standing up and walking with me down to the shore. We walk along the water’s edge as it laps around our ankles. The foam from the water reminds me of when Sarah and I used to do the dishes together when we were younger, dancing in our socks to some killer rock album as we cleaned up after dinner. I sigh softly at the memory and kick at the water.

 

“Something you want to share with the class?”

 

I shake my head no and I turn away from his face, looking out over the ocean. Justin pushes me slightly into the water as it comes back onto the beach. I smirk and push him back and he grins. Within seconds he kicks water on me and I squeal as the cold water hitting me, “Hey!”

 

I bend down and start using my hands as a shovel to throw water at him. Justin scoops water before charging me and going down into the ocean with me. I spit salt water out of my mouth as he comes up to the surface, “You have a habit of trying to drown me you know that?”

 

“Well you have a habit of pissing me off which causes me to want to drown you.”

 

I sit in the water and just stare at him as he stares at me back. Suddenly I feel freezing water dump on my head and both Justin and I scream. I look up as Gia stands over me grinning with an empty water cooler. I stand up and look at her, “You are so dead.”

 

Gia takes off running as Justin and I get to our feet and chase Gia down the beach. Justin catches her first and they take a dive into the water. I swim over to them and hang on Gia’s back as Justin splashes her. I stop for a minute listening to Gia’s infectious laughter and Justin trying to see through the water being splashed in his direction. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel happy. Really, really happy.

 

I stand there just watching the two of them before Justin notices me. He looks at Gia playfully and she looks back. I start to back away slowly but they start a full out sprint and I go running in the other direction. Yeah, really happy.   

________________________________________________________________________

 

Gia sighs happily in her bed across from mine at about one in the morning. She smiles over at me, “You were right, he can actually be fun.”

 

“I know.”

 

“But it’s because of you. He wasn’t like that before.”

 

I glance over at Gia, “It’s not me, he just lightened up a little. I hear rehab can give someone a new outlook in life.”

 

“No, that’s not it. Nice try though. I’m not blind you know.”

 

“Did you know that today was one of the calmest I’ve had without any drama? Everything was just casual. It just goes to show that were all human. Even him.”

 

Gia yawns, “Well I’m going to bed. Night.”

 

I roll over onto my pillow and turn off the light. Justin Timberlake is human. Will wonders never cease.

 

I sit uncomfortably in the small chair assigned to me as Justin practices his routine on stage in Georgia. I stopped watching the routine about three shows in, if I thought motion sickness could be caught, I would be taking Dramamine right about now. He does those motions over and over to the point he started making me dizzy. I feel someone grab my shoulders and I turn around, “Hey Derek.”

 

“Hi, how’s it going?”

 

“Just fine so far. You looking for Gia?”

 

He nods, “That girl moves faster than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

 

“You can thank Johnny for that one. Poor thing was up on her feet for nineteen hours yesterday doing miscellaneous things to get the tour back on track. I think she was getting some caffeine from the trailer, you should try there first.”  

 

“So how are you and Jake?”

 

I smile, “Did he send you here to ask that or is this some sort of friendly check up on my dating life?”

 

Derek looks sheepish, “Okay, I talked to him this morning and wanted me to see how you were. How you have neglected to return his calls, stuff like that.”

 

Now it’s my turn to feel sheepish, “I got in so late that I didn’t call him last night. I know he left me a message.”

 

“He’s crazy about you. Jake was just making sure he hadn’t done anything.”

 

“He hasn’t done anything.”

 

Derek laughs, “I didn’t think it was anything but I was told to make sure.”

 

I put my hand on top of his as Derek gets up to find Gia. The music blaring overhead stops and I turn back around to see Justin heading my way. I hand him a bottle of Gatorade and a towel. He wipes the excess sweat off his body and takes a long sip from the bottle, “Having fun up there?”

 

Justin wipes his mouth, “You have no idea. I forgot what it’s like to be up there without being high on something.”

 

“Mmmm, I bet it does.”

 

Justin sits down next to me, “You think we can get some time to hangout later?”

 

I’m puzzled by the request and look at him curiously. He immediately notices the look and clears the air, “I haven’t had Trace with me in a while and I’m dying for a little company.”

 

I got through the schedule and browse over it, “You have some time before and after the concert.”

 

“Cool. I’ve finish up here so we can go out or grab some lunch.”

 

I nod and put my purse on my shoulder as I stand up. A pair of arm encircle Justin shoulders and do up to his eyes, covering them, “Surprise!”

 

Justin turns around to find Cameron standing behind him. She smiles and hugs him tightly. I back up, giving them some space as my phone starts to ring. Justin breaks from Cameron with a look of shock clearly on his face. He looks over at me as though I might have known she was coming but I shrug my shoulders, holding up one finger while I answer the call from Jake.

________________________________________________________________________

 

“Cam, I thought you said that you would be here tomorrow, I had the whole day planned.” I say, my head spinning. Lying has never gotten me never far but by the look on Cameron’s face, I had better come up with something.

 

“Aww, that’s so sweet but I have a call back for a new movie tomorrow so I decided to fly down today.”

 

I swallow hard and look over to Beth, who’s busy gushing over the phone. She giggles softly and bites her nail a little the way a girl in high school might twist her hair around her finger when talking to a guy she had a crush on. Jake probably. I turn back to Cameron, “Well I’m glad you’re here.”

 

She smiles and kisses me, “Me too. You want to go walk around the pier or something? I know it’s really hot outside so we could hang out at the beach or something afterwards. Maybe grab something to eat.”

 

Damn, “I kind of told Beth that I would go out with her.”

 

“Who the fuck is Beth?” Cameron asks. I can see her blood boiling in front of me and I really don’t want to get into it with her.

 

“Beth is my personal assistant. Remember, you met her outside of the rehab center the day I entered.”

 

Cam puts her hand on her hip, “No, I don’t remember her.”

 

Beth hangs up the phone and comes over to me. Before she can speak I take her hand and stand her in front of me, “This is my personal assistant Bethany Addison, Beth this is Cameron.”

 

Cameron barely touches Beth’s outstretched hand, “Hi.”

 

“Hi.” Beth says softly.

 

“So if it’s okay with Beth, we can all go out.” I offer. Cameron looks like she’s going to blow a fuse, but what the hell am I supposed to do?

 

Beth cheeks are bright red, “Um, Jake kind of called and said he’s only thirty minutes from here so you guys can go ahead without me. That is if you don’t need me to do something.”

 

“Well if you have to.” Cameron seethes. Apparently Beth isn’t going to be on her Christmas list this year.

 

“Naw, I don’t need anything.”

 

Beth clears her throat, “I’ll see you later Justin. Call if you need anything.”

 

I watch Beth leave the arena and Cameron hits me hard on the chest. I lick my lips before looking ay her, trying my best not to try and kill her, “Yes?”

 

“What is wrong with you? Since when do you ask your assistant to accompany us out?”

 

“Since I had asked her first.” I answer.

 

“Okay here’s a better question, why would you even ask her?”

 

I run my hands up and down my face, “Cam, I don’t want to get into this right now. Do you want to go out or not?”

 

“Fine, let’s go.”

 

Cameron storms past me and I follow her out to her car. I get in and just let Cameron drive until she lets off some steam. After about twenty minutes she pulls into a parking lot across from the beach and puts it in park, “Look, I don’t want to fight with you. We are supposed to be working on our relationship.”

 

I sigh, “Okay Cam.”

 

“Alright, let’s go get some sun.”

 

We make our way through photographers and onto the beach. I sit down and Cameron sits in my lap, “We can make this whole thing work Jay.”

 

I don’t say anything as her head leans against my chest. Somehow it just doesn’t feel right there anymore. In fact, I’m not sure it ever did.  

________________________________________________________________________

 

About four o’clock Cam and I decided to take a ride around the town before going back to the arena. The sunset is really beautiful and Cam and I had a fine day of making small talk. Small talk. As in nothing even remotely close to having an actual connection. But I suppose it’s always been like this and I’m not sure what I was expecting.

 

“Look at all the people dancing on that platform. Come on.” Cam says, grabbing my hand.

 

People are slow dancing on a couple of platforms as slow music plays over the speakers. Cameron pulls me towards the platforms until I stop dead in my tracks. Beth is slow dancing with Jake. Her head is on his chest and he whirls her around the area. Cameron tugs on my hand, “What’s the matter?”

 

I don’t say anything and she pulls on my arm again. I ignore her once again and watch the two of them interact with one another, laughing and dancing hand in hand. Cameron finally grabs my face and pulls it down to look at her, “Hello? What the fuck is wrong?”

 

“Nothing, I just don’t want to dance anymore.” I protest, turning around quickly and walking back to the car.

 

Cameron quickens her steps, “What is wrong with you?”

 

“Let’s just go.”

 

“Fine, be an ass. Remind me why I put up with your temper tantrums.”

 

I watch out the window as we drive away and I can see Beth kiss Jake. I swear I’m going to be sick. And I don’t even know why.

________________________________________________________________________   

 

“So I guess I’ll call you later.” Jake says, kissing me.

 

“Yeah, you better.” I smirk.

 

Jake leans in like he’s going to tell me a secret and rubs our noses together, “I am completely falling for you, just in case you were wondering.”

 

I feel butterflies in my stomach and give him one last kiss goodbye, “I’ll see you soon.”

 

“Count on it.”

 

I just spent an amazing day with a guy I actually like. We went out for lunch and hung out at the local shops before going to this little area on the beach where you could dance. I swear it was the most romantic thing I have done in so long. I watched the show from the back as I watched out for Cameron. I swear she looks like something from the exorcist when she lays eyes on me. I thought her head might just spin around.

 

Justin and Cameron went back stage for a party with some of her friends and I picked up some of his things to get ready to leave tonight. I put his things in his bag when Gia opens the door, “Hon, your soul mate is getting himself into some trouble in the back room.”

 

I hop up and Gia points to the room as her name is screamed, “I’ll see you later.”

 

I rush into the room where Cameron has got a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand and pouring him a glass, pushing it in front of him, “Justin, don’t be a pussy.”

 

His expression is blank and I try to make my way through the crowd surrounding them chanting, “Drink, drink, drink.” The nest thing you know they’ll be shouting, “Toga, toga.”

 

I push my way through and grab the glass from his hand, “What are you doing?”

 

Justin looks at me guiltily as well as angry that I would embarrass him that way, “Leave me alone.”

 

Anger swells in me at all these people who are just adding to the pressure. They all know what he’s been through and yet they still try to fuck him. And then there’s her. I shoot my glare at Cameron and spout out at the mouth before I can stop myself, “And what are you doing? What the hell kind of girlfriend are you to do that to him?”

 

Cameron stands up from her chair and I immediately cover my mouth in shock. Oh shit.

 

“Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?” Cameron demands.

 

I feel someone behind me grab my back and pull me towards them, “Let’s go.”

 

Justin pulls me from the room as Cameron follows us and Tiny comes out of the car as we exit the arena. Justin stops as I get in the vehicle, “Listen Cam, we can talk about this tomorrow okay? She didn’t mean anything by it.”

And now I know
Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say
I thought I knew
But now I know that rose trees never grow in New York City

Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you 

“Nothing? Justin your fucking groupie mouthed off at me and you defend her?” Cameron says, practically foaming at the mouth.   

 

“She’s not a groupie, she’s my assistant. Besides, she had a point.”

 

I look out from the car and I can’t see Cameron since Justin’s body blocks my view but I can imagine how she’s looking at him, “Fuck you Justin.”

While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light

This Broadway's got 
It's got a lot of songs to sing
If I knew the tunes I might join in
I'll go my way alone
Grow my own, my own seeds shall be sown in New York City 

She storms off and Justin swears under his breath and Tiny gets us in safely. I put my face in my hands and pull my knees up to my body, “I’m so sorry Justin.”

 

“It’s fine.” He mutters.

 

“I’m so sorry.” I sniffle through my tears that silently hit my clothes.

 

As soon as we pull up to the hotel I go running inside as fast as I can, slamming the door behind me. Well I am officially fucked. I mouthed off at Cameron Diaz, made an ass of myself in front of twenty or so people and Justin now hates me. Just great.

Subway's no way for a good man to go down
Rich man can ride and the hobo he can drown
And I thank the Lord for the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found

While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light

Elton John- Mona Lisa’s & Mad Hatters

 

 

I look in the mirror after a night of crying and mentally scream. Bags under my eyes along with the splotchy color of my skin from the tears add to the utter mess that is my life. Gia sat up with me all night and curled up next to me and slept for the few minutes I allowed myself to be able to semi-function. I insisted that I was not going to go down to the lobby, that I would hand in my resignation to Johnny and get my ass out of Georgia. Gia refused to let me do that and insisted that I take a shower and to put it in her words, “Get my ass down there and know that I successfully pissed off one of the most overrated movie stars in the world as well as saved the world’s village idiot.”

 

She was not happy that Justin was not more supportive about the whole “saving his life” thing as she called it. All I know is as I examine myself in the mirror that Justin is angry and I have gotten way too close to him. I’m not sure where my head was. Emotions. Who needs them? Not me. From now on, it’s just professional.

 

I get in the shower and try to look as presentable as possible, which is a losing battle. I look like death warmed over. But I guess some things never change, like I already have been told time and time again from the time I was little, I’m no model. There is no hope for me at this point, so I might as well be comfortable since no amount of makeup or clothes is going to change one damn thing.  

 

I pull on some jeans and a tank top, groaning as I glance at the digital temperature on the window sill. Ninety and still rising. Gotta love Georgia in July. I exit the bathroom slowly and Gia is gone to my surprise. I look on the table my the door that has an envelope on it and open it since Gia has scribbled my name on the back,

 

Hey,

 

Relax with him, it’s not as bad as you think. If he gets pissy, give me a call and I’ll put his ass back into it’s place. Just breathe and don’t worry. Love you to death babe.

 

I reach for the door handle and hold onto it for a minute before turning it, leading to my inevitable doom.

________________________________________________________________________ 

 

I relax in the couch as I try to read the latest article written about me but I just can’t concentrate on it. I’m focused on the events last night. I’m not really sure how I feel about everything right now. Part of me absolutely felt angry for Beth to come in and ridicule me in front of all these people who are years older than me like I was a toddler. On the other hand, the one that keeps coming back to me, is the feeling of being cared about. I don’t think anyone has even has put my welfare before theirs in such a long time I can’t remember. And that’s the feeling that is still sticking with me.

 

She was looking out for me. Not that she hasn’t been over the course of the last three months but that she would actually have the guts to take down Cameron Diaz. I’ve been trying to work up the balls to do what she did since I first started dating Cameron. Speaking of Cameron, she has left me ten irate messages so far and has yet to calm down. She was so upset last night when in actuality, it should be me. After everything I have been through the fact she would put on the spot like that and encourage me to drink because she didn’t want to seem like she was dating someone nine years her junior. That’s great and all, but what about my, oh I don’t know, health?  

 

I shake my head at the memory as Gia comes storming up to me, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

The real question is, why in the world does everyone keep posing that particular question at me?

 

“What did I do now?” I groan.

 

“How about Beth?”

 

She now has my full attention, “What about Beth?”

 

“You made her feel like an ass last night after everything was over. She has saved you time after time and you treat her like the plague. Do you know I sat up with her all last night as she cried her eyes out?”

 

She cried? Now that I recall the events I was so caught up in everything I wasn’t exactly paying attention to my actions towards her in the car. I probably could have at least said thank you. Again. I feel like I apologize to that girl constantly. I should just write apologies now and keep them with me until I need them, which is now becoming a every other day thing.

 

“Is she coming down?”

 

Gia looks annoyed and puts her tongue in her cheek, “I told her to. If she climbs out of the window there is nothing I can do about it.”

 

I look guiltily at her, “I’ll do something.”

 

“It’s about time.” Gia huffs.

 

I see Beth descend down the stairs and Gia raises her eyebrows and walks away. Beth has dark sunglasses on and comes over very slowly, standing a few inches from me as she whispers, “Good morning.”

 

“Hey Beth.” I say, trying to see her eyes through the glasses but it’s impossible.

 

“I just want to say I’m so sorry about last night and I will personally apologize to Miss Diaz.”  

 

I stand up, “Beth-

 

She takes a step back from me, “I understand if you are going to fire me.”

 

I take a big step and grab her back, holding her firmly in front of me, “Beth, you are not fired and I would prefer if you didn’t apologize to her.”  

 

I remove her sunglasses from her face to reveal her tired eyes and red face, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize, actually I have to say thank you.” I say, tucking a piece of her soft hair back into it’s place. My hand brushes over her skin and a tingling feeling goes up my arm.

 

Beth wipes her eyes with her hand and tries to smile, “It’s my pleasure.”

 

I lean in and press my lips to her forehead and leave them there for a moment. I pull away and see Beth open her eyes and breathe. I start to say something when I hear my name called. I clear my throat and look at Beth, “I’ll be back.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

Justin walks away and I try to catch my breath. The second his lips touched my forehead something happened and I’m not sure what. I carefully sit down and clutch my chest, whishing my stomach would settle down. Why is this happening to me? What the hell is going on with me these days. Suddenly my phone starts to ring and I answer it, “Bethany Addison.”

 

“Something you want to tell me?” Jake asks angrily.

 

I can barely hear him over a group of girls giggling and squeals over Justin. I move to a bathroom and put the seat down on the toilet, sitting down on it, “What are you talking about Jake?”

 

“How about this week’s People Magazine?” he asks.

 

“I haven’t read it, what is going on?”

 

“You should go read it. Until then, were over.” Jake says, hanging up on me. I stare at the phone for a minute before exiting the bathroom and going strait to the new stand outside the hotel. I pick up the latest issue and my legs nearly buckle underneath me. Oh no. Please no.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I go into Johnny’s office as Gia stands in the corner, shifting from one foot to the other. Something is clearly the matter by the way she’s looking at me. Johnny comes in and slams the door, “We need to talk.”

 

I roll my eyes and pull up a seat. Johnny slams down a magazine in front of me and it’s pictures of me and Beth playing on the beach. I immediately start to laugh, “Oh let me guess, I’m now dating my assistant. You got all upset over this?”

 

Johnny sits down and look at Gia and then back at me, “It’s because she’s suicidal.”

 

I stop grinning, “What are you talking about?”

 

Johnny turns to the cover, “Justin Timberlake Dumps Cameron In Favor Of His Suicidal Assistant Bethany. Her medical records read she tried to kill herself in 2002.”

 

I stare at it for a minute before looking up at Johnny, “This can’t be true.”

 

“Oh but it is. We missed it since she came so highly rercommended. Now we are going to have to find a new one.”

 

I try to understand everything that’s going on but it’s all spinning. Gia looks like she doesn’t know what to do and she gives me a “help” look. I get up angrily and storm out, shouting back, “We are not replacing her.”   

 

I practically run up the stairs since it’s faster than taking the elevator and finally reach Beth’s room, not bothering to knock. I open the door to find her sitting in the floor with a six pack of beer next to her, three of which are empty. Beth looks up and smiles, “Guess you saw the article. Now you know everything.”

 

I go over to her carefully and sit down next to her body, “Beth, this isn’t the answer. It’s like ten in the morning, you don’t need to be drinking.”

 

“Jake dumped me this morning. Did you know that?” she asks rhetorically.

 

Damn. “I’m sorry Beth.”

 

“He doesn’t want to be with a psychopath.”

 

“Your not a psychopath.” I insist.

 

“You think about suicide, your not healthy.” She says angrily at herself rather that me.

 

 “Is it true?” I ask gently.

 

Beth holds her head in her hand, “Yep. After Sarah died I thought about taking painkillers. My dad didn’t want me, my mom was a mess and I wanted out. That’s why I didn’t finish college. I wasn’t going to face my ex or my friends after the incident.”  

 

I sit stunned that the girl that saved me almost wasn’t here.

 

She looks up at me, immediately sobering up, “But I never would left Sam. Never. My mom found my computer on and I had written reasons to live. She immediately sent me to get help and I was put on anti-depressants for a year before I was determined sane. I would never have done it, I love Sam.”

 

“I believe you.” I whisper.

 

“Sometime I hate Sarah for leaving. She was my support system and she just threw her life away when I needed her. I knew I could never do that to Sam.”

 

I move my arm around her body and she snuggles right into it, letting her head hit my arm gently, “I know life is hard Beth, but you have to keep going.” I say, taking the bottle from her hand.

 

I lay her down against the carpet and I lay next to her on her stomach, “I’m so glad your still here, that you were brave enough to live life.”

 

Beth starts to tear up and looks over at me, “That’s exactly what I think about you.”

 

I move my head closer to hers and turn off my phone, “When you feel like getting up and moving, I’ll be here.”

 

I feel her hand find mine and she sighs softly, “Thank you.”

 

“You saved me, Bethany Nicole Addison, and now I’m here for you.”

 

Beth smiles, “You know my middle name.”

 

“I also know that Jake is an ass.” I retort.

 

“So is Cameron.” She says.

 

“And the truth comes out!” I tease.

 

Beth rolls her eyes, “Whatever Timberlake.”

 

“Whatever Addison.” I say, squeezing her fingers.

 

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Beth whispers.

 

“Yeah, right here with you.”

 

Beth bites her lip, a little intoxicated but still adorable none the less, “I am a horrible drunk.”

 

“Actually it loosens you up a little. I should try and intoxicate you more often, we might get somewhere.”

 

“There are going to find us you know.” Beth says, ignoring me.

 

“Run away with me.” I kid.

 

Beth smiles sadly, “I would.”

 

I glance at her for a minute, “You would?”

 

“I would.” She says, closing her eyes and drifting off to sleep.

 

She would.

 

Justin and I now have our best conversations laying on my hotel room floor. After my whole mini breakdown, Justin decided that he would spend every minute off following me around to Gia’s chagrin. He’s growing on her, but not enough that she’s happy to come in and find us on the floor. Regardless, he seems to have practically moved in with me, which I haven’t decided how I feel about it. Not that I’m upset that we are hanging out all the time or that we talk constantly, but the fact is that I have never connected to anyone like I with him and it kind of scares me.  

 

I still haven’t heard from Jake, which has made me sad and angry at the same time. Sad that a guy I was really in to decided to brake up with me and mad at him for ending it the way he did without even letting me get a word in edgewise. Then there was the whole magazine thing. Justin has yet to bring it up to me. We haven’t discussed it whatsoever and sometimes when Johnny is with us, it’s like the elephant in the room. He really doesn’t like me but Justin seems to so here I am.

 

To add to my growing troubles, I am now the “it” girl to photograph with Justin. My face now appears alongside his in magazines about our so-called secret relationship and although Justin’s team has denied everything, no one cares. Did I really think they would? It’s not like we can be apart and downplay the craziness that is Justin’s life, I’m his fucking personal assistant. It was hysterical to Sam though. I get a call from him at like two am asking if we were really dating and if he could get free tickets to the concerts. I told him no on both counts. Gotta love the kid for trying though.

 

I play with my hair a little and look at my watch for the time. I take one last ruffle at my hair before I forfeit and run out to meet Gia. We are now in Florida and she says there is a great club nearby and that it’s a necessity that I go and have a good time. There’s no arguing with the girl, once Gia makes up her mind, it’s cast in stone.

 

I go outside the hotel and Gia is leaning against the building, watching the traffic pass as she turns to me and smiles, “Awesome baby.”

 

I look down at my halter and skirt with doubt, “If you say so.”

 

Gia scoffs, “Seriously, you are so hooking up with some guy tonight.”

 

I roll my eyes and walk with Gia to her car and get in, “So how do you know about this club?”

 

“Last time we came down to Florida, Derek and some of our friends all meet down here and we found it. It is seriously one of the best clubs in the U.S.”

 

I watch as dusk sets over the sky, “What exactly is the name of this great club?”

 

“Baileys”

 

“Would it happen to be an Irish pub?”

 

“No, nice try though. After you got hammered with Justin and had that huge hangover afterwards I would think you had learned your lesson.”

 

I giggle softly, “First of all, I didn’t get hammered with Justin, he kept from passing out and second, it was an Irish name so I assumed there must be alcohol.”

 

“Nice try but I know that you are human now. I though you were some perfect girl who could do no wrong. Now I know a little booze and you turn into Courtney Love.”

 

I give Gia’s shoulder a light shove as we park the car and go inside. It’s only seven but the club is crazy as people are dancing like they may never do it again. I grab Gia’s arm and we go over to the bar, ordering two martinis. I feel someone touch my lower back and I turn around to come face to face with a guy, “Hi beautiful.”

 

Oh please, “Hi.”

 

“Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?”

 

This has got to be nipped in the bud, “Listen, I know it’s not easy to go up to a girl and ask her out, though you make it look easy. I’m just not interested.”

 

The asshole smirks, “That’s because you just don’t know me.”

 

Okay, this guy is going to get my drink in his face. Gia tries her best, “Look, we are just here to kind of scope things out.”

 

The guy ignores her and leans in way too closely to me, licking my earlobe. I gag and pull away from him. Someone comes up and puts their hand on the idiot’s shoulder, “She’s not interested in you jackass, back off.”   

 

The asshole looks at a much bigger guy who has two sets of guns on him, or should I say arms. He looks at me one last time before slinking off. I breathe a sigh of relief, “Thank you.”

 

“No problem. Dance with me.”

 

I bite my bottom lip softly like I do when I’m pleasantly surprised by something. Gia gives me a nudge and I take the guy’s hand, “What’s your name?”

 

“Brian, what’s yours?”

 

“Bethany.”

 

 “Well Bethany, is there anything I should know upfront before I get too involved?” he asks grinning.

 

If he only knew my closet of skeletons, “I speak sarcasm as a second language.”  

 

Brian chuckles as we land on the dance floor and start moving to the beat. He puts his hands on my waist but in a manner I’m comfortable with. I don’t feel like he’s trying to grab my ass or anything like that.

 

I finish dancing with Brian as the song ends and Gia comes over to me, “Hey Beth, I want you to meet Trent, one of the bartenders here.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hi, listen the guy your dancing with is my friend, so if he does something to offend you, just holler and I’ll kick his ass.” Trent kids.

 

“Funny Trent. Real funny.” Brian says as he hands me my drink.

 

I smirk, “Glad to hear I have a body guard.”

 

“No problem. Listen Gia, there are some people I want you to meet.”

 

Gia looks over to me to make sure I’m fine. I brush off her concern, “Go, I’ll stay here with Brian and make sure he doesn’t get into any trouble.”

 

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Gia says, following Trent up to the second floor of the club. Brian and I spend the next few hours together and finally I can’t dance anymore. My feet are killing me from the stilettos I’m wearing and exhaustion is taking over. Brian smiles at me as we go off to the side to get off the dance floor, “Tired?”

 

I nod, “Yeah, maybe a little.”

 

“I’ll take you home if you want.” he offers.

 

Gia comes over to me and interrupts my answer, “We are staying at a hotel. You can drop her off while I hang out with Trent, he just introduced me to this kick ass break dancer.”  

 

I shrug, “It’s fine with me. Brian here was just telling me stories about Trent’s college days.”

 

“Mmm, fun stuff. Trent was always crazy in college. Alright, I’ll see you back at the hotel.”

 

“Kay, see you.”

 

I grab my purse and follow Brian to his car and give him directions back to the hotel. He pulls into a parking space and shuts off the car. Okay, I really just wanted to be dropped off, “I can handle it from here.”

 

“I always believe in walking a girl to her door.” Brian says.

 

But my door leads to a hotel bed. I hesitantly get out of the car and hold my purse on my shoulder. At least I know I’m safe with all the security inside. I ride the elevator with Brian to my floor as he tells me a story of the fraternity party they threw which has me doubled over in laughter. We reach the floor and walk slowly to my door until I stop at mine, “Well, this is me.”

 

Brian puts his hands in his pockets, “It was nice to meet you Bethany.”

 

“You too.” I say honestly.

 

Brian leans over and kisses me softly on my cheek, “Really nice.”

 

I blush a little but someone clears their throat loudly, causing me to jump. I turn around and Justin is standing behind me with a look of distain, “It’s about time you popped up.”

________________________________________________________________________

  

I tap my foot impatiently as the two of them look like deer caught in headlights. Beth shakes my comment off as she turns to the guy in front of her, “Bye Brian.”

 

“Bye.” he says, slinking off down the hall and around the corner.

 

Beth turns back to me, “What is it?” she asks annoyed.

 

Okay, I’m the one with the right to be annoyed here, not her, “Where were you? I must have called you ten times.”

 

Beth frowns and digs for her phone, flipping it open, “Sorry, I guess the battery must have died.”

 

“Isn’t it kind of your job to keep up with the phone in case, oh I don’t know, I need you?”

 

“Gee, I’m so sorry. Now can you go back to your room, it’s late and you have officially ruined the end to my night.” Beth says, scowling at me.

 

I ignore her, following her into her room and making myself comfortable on her bed as she proceeds to the bathroom. It’s one thing that I ignore her but I myself refuse to be ignored. I wait about a minute before raising my voice so she can hear me in the bathroom, “Who was that guy?”

 

“No one you know.” She calls back.

 

I sigh in frustration, “Is it really a good idea to jump back into a relationship after just ending it with Jake?”

 

Beth comes out of the bathroom, this time in sweats, “I’m not starting a new relationship, he was just some guy I met at the club I was at.”

 

My jaw drops, “And you let him drive you home? Don’t you know that’s the making of a serial killer movie?”

 

Beth giggles out of the sheer frustration of the question. I fail to see the humor, “He was a friend of Gia’s, not a serial killer.”

 

“You never know.” I point out.

 

Beth throws a towel at me that was on the floor, “Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Now, how about carrying a second phone incase this kind of situation happens again?”

 

“Okay now you’re being an idiot. What was so important that you needed me so badly?”

 

I huff a little and mumble, “I had no one to hang out with.” I realize just how dumb that sounds as it comes out of my mouth.  

 

She burst out laughing and I get annoyed. You know, I trust her and then she does something stupid like laugh, “It’s not funny.”

 

“Justin, I am not a plaything who can be summoned at your command.”

 

“Isn’t that why I pay you?” I retort, fully pissed off.

 

Beth quickly stops laughing, “No, it’s not.”

 

“Fine! Do what you want.” I yell.

 

“You can be such a ass sometimes.” Beth groans, standing with her arms folded over her chest.

 

“It’s your fault. You bring out the ass in me.”

 

Beth rolls her eyes, “Yeah, well I didn’t ask for my private life to be spilled all over the tabloids.”

 

“How is that my fault?” I ask exasperated.

 

“I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.”

 

She’s getting a little too quick with her remarks for me to keep up.

 

Beth goes to the fridge to retrieve a drink and opens the bottle, “Go get some sleep Justin.”

 

I stand up annoyed. I go for the door handle when I stop as my fingers touch the metal and turn around, “Ever feel alone in a crowded room?”

 

Beth freezes and looks up at me, “Why?”

 

“That’s how I feel when I’m not with you.” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

 

Her breathing becomes a little quicker but she doesn’t say anything. I move closer to her before putting my hand out to her face and pulling her to me, kissing her on the mouth. Our lips connect and I feel alive like I haven’t felt in years. I fervently kiss her mouth and she doesn’t stop me, allowing me to continue.

 

Just then Gia comes in the door. We immediately break apart and Beth stands there in stunned silence, her fingers gently touching her lips where I had just kissed her. Gia looks at both of us curiously, “What’s going on?”

 

I stand still for a moment before covering up my shock, “Nothing. See you tomorrow Beth.”  

 

Beth just continues to look at me as I exit her hotel room. I walk down the hall and stop a minute to smell her scent on me. I’m falling for her. Hard.

 

I pick up an Oreo and dip in milk taking a bite. My lips still have his imprint on them. Gia sits across from me on the floor as the clock next to the bed reads three twenty one a.m. in bright neon numbers.

 

“I can’t believe he kissed you.” Gia says for what must be the hundredth time this month.

 

I let me head lean against the bottom of the bed, “I know.”

 

“But he’s our boss, you can’t have a…. thing with him.” Gia insists.

 

I groan, “You don’t think I know that? I’m fully aware that nothing can happen. I’m not stupid.”

 

“But do you want to have something with him?” she asks curiously.

 

I take another bite of my cookie and swallow it, “I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know? You are so falling for him. The one asshole that has managed to get under my skin and you end up falling for him, ironic.” Gia says.

 

“It’s so not funny G.”

 

“I didn’t say it was hon. Putting all things aside, the whole don’t date your boss thing, he is someone who seems to be what you were looking for. You just need to accept that maybe this guy is the one that is your match. Maybe he really is what you need.”

 

“I don’t know anymore.” I say in frustration.

 

“But maybe he is. When I see you two together, I know there is something between you two. Something that you guys share that no one can really understand. He understands you.”

 

“You know what? We have been talking for how many hours about this? I think it’s time that we got some sleep.”

 

I wrap up the half carton of eaten cookies and Gia puts the milk back into the mini fridge. I pull the blankets down in the bed and get under them. Gia hesitates before she turns the knob to go into her adjoining room, “For what it’s worth, you have really changed him.” she says softly.

 

“Thanks Gia.”

 

“No problem hon.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

I play with the edge of my shirt gently. This is one of the most awkward things I’ve ever had to do. Wait for your boss who happened to kiss you the night before. I nervously let my eyes roam the hotel and watch the people interact with one another. My hand brushes up against skin and I turn around quickly to find Justin standing behind me, “Hey.”

 

I pull my hand back quickly, “Hi.”

 

Justin watches my expression and I try to give away as little as possible, “Are you ready to go?”

 

He nods and places his hand on my lower back as we walk to the bus. I try to keep my cool as his hand softly massages my back and as soon as we get on the bus, I immediately take a seat with my back against the couch. Justin sits down next to me and waits until we are on the move before he turned to me, “So are we going to talk about last night?”

 

Oh this is so not my day, “What about last night?” I ask, playing innocent.

 

“How about the point in time where we kissed?” he asks, bursting my bubble and giving me an evil eye for playing dumb.

 

“What about it?” my eyes meeting his.

 

Justin moves closer to me, “I want to know what you’re thinking.”

 

“I’m thinking that I’m in a really uncomfortable position because you are my boss.” I answer, my voice wavering.

 

“Is that the only thing you’re thinking?” Justin responds, his face dangerously close to mine.

 

I bite my lip, “No.”

 

He leans in and captures my lips once again. I freeze for a minute as his mouth makes me feel out of place, kind of lost in him. That’s what echoed in me the most. I’m no longer in control here and I’m losing what little ground I have by the second. I pull away from him, “Listen, I just don’t think this is such a smart thing to do.” I stutter.

 

Justin rolls his eyes as he removes his hand from my hair and sits back, “Thanks Beth.”

 

I touch Justin’s arm, “It’s not you, I just think that getting involved with people you work with is a shitty idea. Don’t you feel like this is a bad, especially considering your status?”

 

Justin laughs, but it’s an angry laugh, certainly not one that would come from something actually being somewhat humorous, “Well thank you Beth. Why don’t you just take a stake knife and put it strait through my chest? Or better yet, don’t say anything the first time I kiss you and wait until I’m practically going out of my mind to do it again and then fuck with me. Oh wait, you already did that.” 

 

I stand up, “That is so not fair and you know it. I can’t get involved with the people I work with. It’s not ethical.”

 

“Forget your fucking ethics for a minute Beth. Tell me the truth, when we kissed, did you feel something?” he says, standing up and coming over to me.

 

I start to get angry at the position he’s putting me in. The pain that he’s causing me by asking me a question that I know in my heart I have no business answering even though I know the words he’s looking for are the ones I really want to say, “Justin, I can’t.”

 

Justin sighs and shrugs angrily, “Fine. I’m going to go take a nap.” He says, storming off and slamming the door to his bedroom. 

 

I sink down on the couch and scream into a pillow before throwing it across the room. I’m left all alone again. Like usual.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I just lay in my bed for the hours it takes until we pull into the next stop. My mind just refuses to go to Beth. She was all I though about last night and all this morning right up until the point where she pulled away. Up until that point, I felt like my life was finally on the right track and I could feel something for someone again. Then she went and shattered all of my security.

 

A knock on my door causes me to look towards the door as Beth cautiously opens it, “Justin, were here.”

 

“Fine.” I mumble and grab my ipod, putting it in my pocket and brushing past her and off the bus. Beth slightly jogs behind me to keep up as we walk into the arena and into my dressing room where a “journalist” from Maxim magazine is waiting. Oh joy.

 

I sit down across from the guy and put my feet on the coffee table, “So let’s get this done.”

 

The guy looks supremely annoyed at my attitude but I’m not stupid, they are going to make me out to be a playboy I might as well act like one.

 

“Having worked on a two films now, are you considering more roles on screen?”

 

I’m bored already, “I refuse to pigeonhole myself. I’ll take the rolls that I feel are the right ones for me.”

 

The guy looks over his questions and I feel the golden question coming. Oh, just whip it out fucker.

 

“So, you have been quoted by Rolling Stone saying you have done drugs and slept around, including the likes of Cameron Diaz and Scarlett Johansson. Are you single now?”

 

And there it is.

 

I look over at Beth who meets my gaze. I don’t bother to face the guy as I give him my answer, instead focusing on her eyes, “No. You try to get close to people and you put yourself out there but in the end, no one gives a fuck. They all want to tear you down, not open up. And just when you think you’ve made a connection with a person, they screw you over. I’ve completely given up on love.”

 

Her eyes water and I turn back to the guy, “Love is a waste of time.”

 

The guy eyes Beth before turning back to me, “Well the rumor is that the reason you and Cameron Diaz are on and off is because you were cheating on her with your personal assistant.” He asks coyly.

 

I laugh bitterly, “No, that’s not true. Cameron and I broke up over a mutual decision. It had nothing to do with my assistant.”

 

“People magazine has written that she’s insane, having once tried to commit suicide shortly after her older sister over dosed on drugs, yet she is still on your staff. Do you have any concerns?”

 

Beth turns white and looks like she’s going to be sick. The guy knows he’s hit a nerve and enjoys her pain way too much, “Listen, my assistant may have had a hard life but that doesn’t mean she’s insane. She never actually tried to commit suicide, get your facts strait. She will remain on the payroll until she decides she’s had enough. Bethany Addison is one of the best assistants I have ever had and one of the best people I have ever met. Put that in your article.”

 

The guy looks stunned and so does Beth. It takes a minute for him to recover as he shuts his tape recorder, “Okay, that’s all the questions I have. Thanks.”

 

I get up and shut the door behind him. I stare at the door for a second before turning around to face her. I slowly go to look at her but as soon as do, she pushes me up against the door and is kissing me.

 

My astonishment quickly dissolves as she continues to kiss me and I practically have to drag her over to the couch. I lay on top of her as we go at each other like to teenagers. Finally we break our seal, Beth throws her head back as she tries to catch her breath and I go at her neck. Her pants subside and I look down at her, “I thought we weren’t going to get involved. What happened to not starting a relationship with your boss?”

 

“It was shot to hell the moment you defended me.” she whispers.

 

I smirk, “You should have told me that was the key to you earlier. I would have taken out a spot in the New York Times.”

 

Beth giggles a little and nuzzles my head slightly, “I felt alive.”

 

“What?” I ask in confusion.

 

“You asked what I felt when we kissed. I felt alive and safe and understood.”

 

“Really?” I ask, basking in the realization that I wasn’t alone.

 

“You still want me to run away with you?” she says jokingly.

 

“Oh yeah.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

I sit backstage watching him do his thing on stage. I’m a little woozy from being molested for the last couple of hours but defiantly feeling good. Really good. Gia comes over and stands next to me, looking me over once, “You kissed him again.”

 

It’s more of a statement than it is a question.

 

I blush considerably, “You can tell?”

 

She rolls her eyes, “Um, yeah. It’s written all over your face baby, you might as well have a glowing sign pointing at you that says “I made out with Justin Timberlake.”

 

“There’s just something about him.”

 

“I know, you see something in him. I just wish he would exhibit that special X factor to others.”

 

“He’s working on it.”

 

“Sure he is.”

 

I hear someone scream, “Hey you!”

 

Both Gia and I turn around to come face to face with Trace. Oh in the name of everything that is good, why him.

 

“After Justin get’s off stage, tell him I’m waiting in the lobby.”

 

I nod slowly and he walks off back from the cave he crawled out of. I look to Gia and she looks back speechless. The last encore ends and Justin walks off stage to me, grabbing a drink and putting his hand on my cheek. I put my hand up to his and squeeze it a little, “Someone is here to see you.”

 

“Who?” he asks, not really paying attention as someone yells directions at him.

 

“Trace is here waiting in the lobby.”

 

Justin looks at me and is face hardens up, “In the lobby?”

 

I nod, “That’s what he said.”

 

Justin leans down and kisses my forehead, “I’ll see you back in your room.”

 

“Okay.” I whisper as I watch him take off. I just hope that this is a good thing. Please let it be a good thing.

I

 stir the next morning and feel something weighing me down. I try to move but whatever it is refuses to give an inch. I roll over onto my back and discover Justin’s body halfway on top of mine. I feel a small smile tug at my lips and I rub my tired eyes a little. I hear someone clear their throat and I groan, opening my eyes slowly to see Gia standing about a foot away from the bed with a comical look on her face.

 

“It’s not what you think.” I begin.

 

“It’s exactly what I think. You and him are shacking up. This had better mean I get a raise for being friends with you.”

 

I slip out of bed carefully as to not wake him up and grab Gia’s arm and move to her room so we can talk, “I cannot believe you slept with him!” she says, her voice barely above a whisper.

 

“I did not sleep with him. I mean I did but we didn’t… you know.” I stutter.

 

“Have sex?” Gia finishes, her face scrunches up trying to figure out what my problem is.

 

“Yeah, that.” I answer, plopping down onto her bed.

 

“Sex is a big issue for you isn’t it?” she asks knowingly.

 

I put my arms over my chest like a shield to protect myself in a way, “I just can’t jump into that with him. It’s such a personal thing to me, something I don’t like to go throwing around.”

 

Gia nods, “Good for you.”

 

I look up at her, “No comments on how I’m being completely ridiculous about something that is not considered sacred anymore.” my voice condescending, telling myself how stupid I am as I utter the words.

 

“No, I think that it’s a good idea to wait instead of jumping into bed with someone, especially Justin Timberlake. I know that you guys have this connection, but he is still a guy. You need to take care of yourself.”

 

Gia sits down next to me, “So what happened with Justin and Trace last night?”

 

I try to recall Justin’s exact words as if there might be a key somewhere hidden in them, “He just said he would tell me in the morning.”

 

“What does your instincts tell you?”

 

I frown, “I have a feeling he’s staying from the way he looked last night. It would explain why he didn’t want to sleep alone last night.”

 

“I hope he’s not here for good.” Gia mutters.

 

I sigh at the thought of him back for the tour, “I don’t know.”

 

Gia pats my leg, “Well we have to be out of here in an hour. I’m going to grab a shower.”

 

I nod and go back into my room and stare at the male in my bed. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, like all the worries and troubles he carries around with him are instantly erased the moment he closes his eyes. I walk over the bed and gently caress his face. Justin stirs and opens his eyes, smiling a small smile, “Morning sunshine.”

 

“Morning. How are you?” I ponder.

 

Justin pulls on my arm and I lay down next to him on the bed as he twists strands of my hair around his fingers, “You mean how am I feeling after talking to Trace?”

 

“Anything you want to tell me I’m willing to listen to.”

 

Justin leans over and kisses my forehead, “He is coming back and joining the tour.”

 

I stiffen as my suspicions are confirmed, “And you’re okay with that?”

 

Justin focuses on my hair, “I’m hoping everything will turn out all right.”

 

“Since when are you the eternal optimist?” I question.

 

His hand creeps up my neck and makes designs on my skin with his fingers, “Since we have been best friends from the time we were in diapers. I don’t want to lose him over something like drugs. It’s already taken over my life, I won’t allow it to take my friends as well.”

 

I take his hand in my and kiss the back of it gently, “But it wasn’t the drugs that made him do what he did, he made a conscious decision.”

 

“Everyone makes mistakes. I’m willing to give him a second chance.”

 

I silently surrender my position and hope that he’s right, “Well you need to get going and I’m going to take a shower.”

 

Justin grins, “You want company?”

 

I shake my head, “You know, as tempting as that offer is, I think I can handle it.”

 

He rolls his eyes and sits up slowly, stretching out his arms above his head as though he was trying to touch the ceiling, “Fine. I’ll see you on the bus.”

 

I take a quick shower and pull my hair up into a messy bun. It’s got to be like ninety degrees outside so I don’t feel the need to blow dry my hair when I’m running late anyway. Of course, it is Kansas. No exactly the most interesting state in the world. Yeah and with Trace Ayala in tow, this should make for a very interesting day.

 

I meet Gia outside the hotel and the heat immediately takes over, causing anyone who comes out of a air conditioned building to practically be bowled over at the humidity. The door to the hotel swings open and Trace comes out, leaning against the building like he’s not really sure what he’s supposed to be doing.

 

Justin walks out and walks over to me, clearly unaware that Trace is standing only feet away. Trace watches Justin interact with me and I feel my cheeks burn until Trace finally waddles over to us, “Justin.”

 

He turns around, “Hey man.”

 

Trace nods and they look at each other the way ex’s look at one another the first time they see each other in public and they are no longer a couple. Justin clears his throat, “Well you can ride with Gia today while I make some radio interviews. We can hang out after if you want.”

 

“Sure.” He concedes, although it’s with hesitation.

 

Justin nods as well and takes my hand, heading onto the bus when Trace calls out, “You are going on with her?”

 

My blood runs cold and Justin turns around, “Yeah, why?”

 

“Her?” Trace asks, pointing to me.

 

“Yeah?” Justin asks questionably.

 

“Your assistant?” Trace finally says, bewildered.

 

“Yes!” I finally say in a tone that he probably doesn’t find appealing but I don’t really care.

 

He eyes me up and down with clear annoyance but just ignores me, “Nothing, I was just curious.”

 

. I can’t really focus on anything but Trace’s stare as Justin pulls me onto the bus. I wish I could be alone with Gia right about now. How am I supposed to broach a subject about Trace when he’s Justin’s best friend. I sink down on the couch and flip through the channels on the TV angrily, if that’s possible. I’m not sure that pressing the buttons extra hard on the channel changer really constitutes aggression but I’m not exactly an expert on the subject. When life gets rough, I normally try to take the easy way out by removing myself from the situation. It’s only since I’ve been on this tour that I’ve started to grow a backbone. And if only for that, I have Justin to thank.

 

He sits down next to me and takes the remote from my hand, flipping the TV off and attaching himself to my neck. The second his lips touch my skin I melt into him and he knows it too. I lean back so I’m laying on the couch with him on top of me. This man has a serious gift.

 

His hand starts creeping up my shirt and goes to undo the back of my bra when I pull away. Justin looks confused but goes back to kiss me as I pull away again, “What’s with you?”

 

I sit up, almost slamming into me as I readjust my shirt, “Listen, I just don’t want to take it that far yet.”

 

“How far?”

 

God he looks so cute when he makes that face at me, “Feeling me up. It’s just too physical for me right now.”

 

Justin looks like he’s about to laugh at any moment and I feel my defenses start to creep up on me, “What’s so funny?”

 

“Nothing, I just don’t think anyone has ever said that to me.” he says in astonishment.

 

Breathing seems like a challenge right about now, “I just think sex should be treated with a little more respect. It’s just so personal and it requires people to be vulnerable and open. I just think we shouldn’t rush into anything.” I insist.

 

“Okay.” he says slowly.

 

“Look, I don’t expect you to understand, just trust me.”

 

Justin backs up from me, “Alright, I trust you.”

 

I bite my lip yet again, “Thank you.”

 

“Can I still sleep with you, because last night was really nice.”

 

I smirk, “Sure.”

 

He nods and we slide down onto the couch together, “Just so you know, when you feel close enough to me, I am so ready for you.”

 

I giggle slightly as his hands wrap around my waist.

________________________________________________________________________

 

We arrived at the show and I finish my last encore. I jog off stage and Beth tosses me a towel. Every time I see that girl I swear I want to jump her. I understand the whole sex thing but it doesn’t make me want her any less.

 

Beth has now taken to sleeping with me on the bus, which I am happy to announce took a little prodding and promising not to molest her in her sleep but still, she’s with me. Gia is SO not happy about Trace having to travel with her but it’s not like he could trail anyone else. I had to promise her a little time with Beth in order for her to be pleasant during this whole trial thing with Trace. I haven’t spent very much time with him today but it’s a transition.

 

Beth waits in my dressing room and I yawn tiredly as I take her hand and we board the bus. She immediately plops herself on my bed and gets comfortable while I change in the bathroom. By the time I get out she has already changed into one of my tee shirts and short shorts. I groan loudly, “Tempt me why don’t you.”

 

“Hhmm…” she asks, her attention focused on her book.

 

“The outfit. Could you be more hot?”

 

Her cheeks turn a shade of crimson which I adore, “Thank you. Can we focus on sleeping?”

 

I think for a moment before saying anything, “How many guys have you slept with?”

 

Beth bites the inside of her cheek, “Why?”

 

Bingo.

 

“I was just wondering if that’s the reason for the whole boundary thing.”   

 

Beth shifts uncomfortably under my gaze, “The amount of guys I’ve slept with is not the reason I feel that sex is a very intense thing.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now how many guys have you slept with?”

 

She closes her book and sits it down next to her, “One, okay?”

 

“One?” I ask in shock.

 

“I only slept with my college boyfriend. I haven’t had a relationship after him, except for the whole thing with Jake.”

 

“One.” I say again.

 

She gives me a annoyed look, “Yes, just one. I regretted it all afterwards. He didn’t really know me, know what I loved, who I was. I promised myself I wouldn’t have sex just for the sake of it. I want more. I want that connection.”

 

I lay down next to her, “Wow.”

 

“Thanks Justin.” her annoyance coming through her response.

 

I stop her before she blows my reaction out of proportion, “I just wanted to know.”

 

“Well know you know.”

 

“Why did you only sleep with him?”

 

Beth pulls her hair up, “Because I though we would be together forever. I romanticized our relationship. It was never how I imagined it in my head. I felt so used after we would do it. I can’t even explain it other than to say that you feel hollow after.

 

“Really?”

 

“I felt used, like I was used just to get him off, it wasn’t about us at all. Maybe it will never be like that, I don’t know.” she says, obviously uncomfortable talking about it.

 

“It will be way better with me I swear.” I joke as she goes to smack me.

 

“If. You mean if.” she corrects me.

 

“No, not if, when.” I grin, flipping off the light as I see her roll her eyes as I grab her and curl up against her.

 

“I am sorry that was your experience.” I say, watching her reflection on the window.

 

“Me too.” she whispers.

 

“Night.”

 

Beth grins as she changes the tone of the conversation, “Night perv.”

 

That’s me. 

 

 

Beth is the most fucking beautiful thing I have ever seen in my bed. In my life. She was all curled up next to me this morning clothed in my shirt and hair that was all tangled in that way that only girls can do. The kind that when they first open their eyes and a few stands fall into their face makes you go week in the knees and you thank God you weren’t standing up because they just might give out from under you.

 

Unfortunately this morning, I didn’t wait for her to wake up. My cell phone had started to ring this morning around six and I woke up in a daze, frantically searching for the phone before Beth woke up, “Hello?”

 

“It’s me.”

 

I sigh heavily and get out of bed, moving to the lounge area, “What’s up Trace?”

 

“Can we talk? I haven’t really spoken to you since I rejoined everything.”

 

I glance at the clock on the wall, “Meet me in a half hour in my dressing room.”

 

“Can do.”

 

I hung up and got dressed. I took one last glance at Beth and kissed her head before heading out to the arena. I take the familiar path to my room and arrive to see Trace already sitting down on the couch, waiting for me, “Hey.”

 

Trace stands up, “Hi.”

 

“So you wanted to talk to me?” I begin, breaking the awkward silence between us. It’s the weirdest feeling in the whole world to be standing inches away from someone who two months ago I would have considered my best friend. And now we are in this mess. Desperately trying to figure out where we stand at all.

 

“Yeah. I wanted to know if we could hang out together today.” he mumbles.

 

I pause before saying anything as I try to avoid eye contact, “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

 

Trace sighs in exasperation, “Come on, I’m really trying here.”

 

“Look, it’s not my fault you did what you did Trace. I remember who was there for me.” I seethe recalling exactly how I felt that night. 

 

“And I said I was sorry. There isn’t anything left to say.” he protests.

 

“For crying out loud Trace, Beth was there for me and she didn’t even like me at the time! And you who claimed to be my best friend left me to die.”

 

“Beth? Who’s Beth?” he murmurs.

 

I spin around to look at him in confusion, “What?” 

 

“Beth. You mean your assistant?” he says, starting to laugh.

 

I’m totally lost, “Yeah.”

 

“The girl who you bitched out in the bar and flipped off at the record store AND made the comment about her breasts?”

 

“That’s the one.” I say, clearly annoyed but he’s not getting my drift.

 

“I mean, I heard rumors just like anyone else who has the internet but I never thought for one moment you would actually develop a thing for this girl. Sure the pictures were convincing but I figured that she had to follow you around. Boy was I wrong.”

 

“Don’t make fun of her.” I warn.

 

“I thought you were just trying to piss me off by making me ride with Gia after that night but now I see it was for a different reason. Dude, she’s insane! Didn’t you read the papers? Girl is suicidal, a nutcase and you fell for her!” Trace gasps through his laughter.

 

The words insane and nutcase burn as they sink in. My mind drifts back to Beth that morning in the hotel, her with the empty beer bottles staggering around the hotel room as her world came down around her. The privacy she once had taken from her in less than a couple hundred words. My anger starts to boil over as Trace sinks to the floor in hysterics and before I know what I’m doing, I grab him by the shirt and pull him up, pushing him against the wall, “Don’t you ever talk about her like that ever again.”

 

Trace’s expression has changed to one of sheer terror, “Justin, she’s one girl.”

 

I slam him against the wall again, “Don’t ever call her those names again.” I growl, letting go of him. This time he slides down the wall for a different reason. A very different reason. I feel like were worlds apart now.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I wake up alone much to my distaste and get dressed, checking my blackberry for messages only to find out I missed a call from Sam. Damn it. A knock on the trailer door breaks my concentration as I hear Gia’s voice sail through the small area, “Justin, you up?”

 

I pull on my shoes and head out to the lounge area, “Hey G. Justin isn’t here.”

 

Gia opens one of the drawers near the kitchenette area and takes a candy bar from it, something she would never do if Justin was present, “He took off so early?”

 

I shrug, “When I woke up he wasn’t in bed.”

 

“Johnny is looking for him. More pictures of you two are starting to surface.”

 

I roll my eyes and rub my temples lightly, “And he’s pissed?”

 

Gia takes a bite of her milky way, “Pissed is such a loose term, I prefer concerned for the well being of his client.”

 

I grab a chair and sit in it, “In other words, if anything does go wrong between Justin and me, not only is my ass fired but he’s not going to be recommending me to anyone anytime soon.”

 

“It’s the risks you took when you guys got involved with one another. It’s not like this kind of situation has never come up before, you’ll live no matter what happenes.”

 

I bite my nail and try to smile, “I hope so.”

 

Gia breaks off a piece of her candy and hands it to me, “Cheer up, there is no show tonight and since we are officially in LA, Justin has a house here so you my dear do not have to spend another night on the bus or hotel room since the arena is so close to his property.”

 

“It’ll be a nice break.” I admit though I’m not focused so much on her as I am on the conversation Justin is going to be having with Johnny.

 

“Rob said he would take you over this morning since Justin will be busy till tonight. Justin wanted to give you a day off so I kindly get to take over your job.”

 

I snap to attention, “ But I’m his assistant, you shouldn’t have to do my job.”

 

Gia smiles. “Hon, he hasn’t made you do one thing since you two started your relationship. I mean, he only makes you stay because he likes having you around constantly. Have you noticed you haven’t done one coffee run, arranged for transportation or had to schedule anything in the last couple of weeks?”

 

My mind searches for the last time I got a call to do anything major and I wake up from my coma I was in, “Oh no.”

 

“Don’t say that. Girls would kill to be in your position. Enjoy it, besides working for Justin is easier than working for Johnny these days. You have yourself to thank for that.”

 

I begin to feel a headache come on as Gia gets up, “Get ready, Rob will be here in a few minutes.”

 

I start to fumble around trying to get my stuff together as I put everything in my bag. Tears threaten to spill over and I realize how stupid I have been. I hear a noise and I go out to greet Tony but I come face to face with someone else.

 

“What are you doing here?” Trace asks as he stands in the doorway of the bedroom.

 

“No, I think the better question is what are YOU doing here.” I answer, putting my hand on my hip.

 

Trace sinkers, “No, I used to be here. All the time actually. It was my bus, my friend. Then you came along.”

 

I feel the weight of his stare bear down on me, “Get out.” I whisper.

 

“You know he’s just going to use you, just like the others before you. I suppose that would be the right move though since you are using him as well.”

 

I fight back the tears, “Like you?”

 

He tenses up and I so do not want to be killed so I respond to his previous question, No I’m not. I care for him.”

 

“Sure you do. And that caring comes with the opportunity to play house and use his credit cards and have the pleasure of being one of the most envied girls on earth. But it won’t last.”

 

“Bethany? You ready to go?” Tony calls out.

 

I push past Trace and head outside to the van and I’m whisked away as I tear up in the back seat.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I chop vegetables angrily and throw them into a pot with the rest of the stir fry. I have found that chopping things in the kitchen is better than angrily punching numbers on a remote. Of course, Justin’s state of the art appliances help to find the longest, sharpest utensils and put them to good use. I swear this stuff has never been used. Some of the pans were still in their original boxes with price tags that would make your eyes bulge out of there sockets.

 

I stir the veggies until they are crisp and add the chicken and soy sauce mixture. Justin should be home any minute and we have a lot of talking to do. I can’t go on like this. It’s nice to float on cloud nine for a while but I need to work. I can’t get paid for just following him around, I was hired to do a job that I’m really not fulfilling.

 

Justin’s voice interrupts my inner battle as he comes in the house, “Hey baby.”

 

I put the food into the designated bowls and I mix the salad as Justin comes in, “You can cook.” he says, putting his duffel bag down and immediately digging into the food in front of him.

 

I nod and lick my lips, putting the salad in the middle of the island and taking a seat in the stools, “We need to talk.”

 

“Mmmm, doesn’t sound like you had a good day.” he says, sighing quietly.

 

“Look, I don’t want to lay this all on you or anything but I have to say something. I need to do my job.”

 

“Okay?” he says puzzled.

 

“You are not letting me do that. You never ask me to do things for you, I never set up appointments anymore, I haven’t had a call from anyone but my family in over a week.”

 

Justin takes a sip of his water, “That’s because I told them not to call you.”

 

My jaw drops, “Why?”

 

“Because other people could do that, you don’t need to be bothered with that kind of stuff, besides, I like your full attention.” he says jokingly.

 

“Don’t you understand? This is all part of it. You are paying me to essentially follow you around and I feel like I’m way in over my head. I mean if anything was to happen between us I would be out of a job and by the way Johnny feels about me I may never be able to do this again for a living.” I say, breaking down.

 

Justin immediately jumps up and takes my arms away from the salad I must have flipped several hundred times, “Listen to me, you and I are going to be fine. Don’t worry.” he says, hushing me.

 

“I’m not doing my job.” I insist.

 

Justin bends down a little so were eye to eye, “I love you Beth.”

 

Chills go up my spine, “What?”

 

“I said I love you.”

 

I tremble a little as I respond, “I love you too.”

 

He smiles before putting his hands on my cheeks and pulling me into a kiss. I get lost in him and he pulls me up so I’m sitting on the island as he devours my lips. I can feel the pressure building inside of me as my previous problems disappear. I break our kiss as I look him in the eyes, “I’m ready.”

 

He doesn’t even have to ask me what I’m ready for, he already knows, “Are you sure.”

 

I nod as he picks me up and reattaches our mouths together, carrying me upstairs. We make it to the bed and the rush stops as he tenderly removes each article of clothing from me gently, kissing each new piece of skin revealed. I swear I have died and gone to heaven. He rids himself of his clothing and wraps himself around me, skin to skin. I try not to panic as he does but it’s been a long time since the last time I did this. He enters me and I feel myself adjusting to him, letting him engulf himself within me.

 

After what feels like hours, I collapse underneath him, gasping for air. His pants become quicker as he achieves his release and lays his head down on my chest, “You okay?” he whispers.

 

“More than okay.” I answer.

 

“You sure?” he asks, rolling so that he’s propped up on his arm next to me.

 

I nod and he pulls me to him melting the two of us together before we close our eyes to get some sleep.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

I grin before even opening my eyes as I feel him against me. Damn last night was amazing. I don’t think I have ever enjoyed sex that much in my life, not that I have a lot to compare it to, but still I was satisfied. He lazily has an arm draped across my torso and our legs are entangled with one another’s. Unfortunately during this whole eye opening experience which I plan on repeating with him, we never managed to get around to discussing my job. That thing that I supposed to be doing when I’m really not.

 

The more I thin about it the more it makes me nuts and I decide to get up and jab a glass of orange juice. I pull on Justin’s tee shirt that hits my mid thigh and find my way through the enormous house and to the kitchen. I search through the fridge for the jug and reach for a glass and pouring some for myself as I try to keep the fridge open with my foot. I door of the fridge closes as it slips and I groan as I turn around with the juice to put it back. I scream as soon as I do as someone is right in front of me and drop the jug on the floor, sending juice spilling onto the floor.

 

“Oh shit.” I whisper.

 

“Mmm. That is the understatement of the year.” Lynn says with her arms folded over her chest glaring at me in my attire.

 

“I…I….I” my stuttering is really eloquent right about now as she gets angrier by the minute.

 

“You are standing in my son’s kitchen wearing his shirt and if I’m not mistaken, you’re an employee. Did he give you a key or something?”   

 

“Um….” I begin but Justin interrupts me as his voice carries from the stairs to the kitchen.

 

“Beth, you should have let me put that thing in the magazine about your breasts, it’s so true.” he says laughing as he enters the kitchen only to freeze when he sees who I’m staring at.

 

“Mom?”

 

“Justin. Sleeping with the help are we?”

 

I feel like scum. What the hell kind of question is that?

 

“Mom, listen it’s not what it seems.” Justin begins.

 

“Really? Because what it looks like to me is that someone is looking for a promotion.”

 

“It’s not like that.” I say firmly as I’m belittled.

 

“Mom, can I please speak to you alone?”

 

I can still feel the anger in her stare as they walk away into the next room. I stand there for a minute feeling like an idiot before sprinting up the stairs and collapsing in Justin’s room in tears. It’s the whole trailer trash mentality. That’s what I am to her.

_______________________________________________________________________

 

I take my mom by the arm and guide her into the other room away from Beth’s ears, “Mom, how could you do that to her?”

 

“How could I do that to her? How could you do this to me? Let’s start there.” she says, spinning around to face me.

 

“I didn’t do anything to you mom. It’s not about you.”

 

Mom shakes her head and puts her weight on the other foot, “She’s your assistant Justin. You need to be so careful with people like that.”

 

“What kind of people mom? She’s a good person mom, I can’t even begin to explain it to you.”

 

“What you can explain to me is how this got started. What happened to Cameron?”

 

I laugh bitterly, “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

 

“I can tell you what I do want. I want you to end it.”

 

I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, “I can’t mom.” I argue.

 

“Sure you can. Go up there and tell her you made a mistake and end it. Believe me she’ll get over it, they all do.”

 

“But I can’t. I need her.”

 

“Justin.” mom says annoyed.

 

“No mom, she’s not like that. She’s different than the rest of them. She understands me mom, I love her.”

 

If her head could spin off I think it would right now, “Excuse me? How could you be in love with her?”

 

“I don’t even know how to answer that. How do you describe feeling that for someone else other than you just do. Mom if you would just get to know her I’m positive we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

 

Mom crosses her arms over her chest, “Honey-”

 

“Mom, she’s important to me.”

 

Her hands go up to my cheeks and hold my face in her palms the way she used to do to me when I was younger, “Sweetheart, she will never be good enough for you.”

 

I pull away from her grip at the words as they sting me, “Thanks a lot.”

 

“I’m trying to be honest with you honey. I’m your mother and it’s my job to make sure that no one takes advantage of you.”

 

“Than what the fuck was Cameron?” I ask angrily.

 

Mom sighs in defeat, “Look, we’ll talk about this later. I just came by to check on you and see what you were up to. Know I know what you were doing. Or should I say who.”

 

I give her an annoyed look, “Mom…”

 

“I’ll see you later hon, hopefully when you two are fully dressed.” She says, heading out the back door. It takes me a moment to recover before I make a beeline to the kitchen only to find Beth gone. I take the stairs two at a time up to the bedroom when I hear soft crying coming from the master bath. I walk in to find her just curled up in a ball on the floor, pressed up against the glass shower door.

 

“Beth, it’s alright.” I whisper as I bend down to her level as I wrap myself around her.

 

“No, it’s not. First it’s your friend, now it’s your mother. What is it about me that they don’t like.” she asks, looking up at me with a tear slipping from her eye and down her cheek.

 

“What friend?” I ask feeling my blood rise, knowing full well what friend she means.

 

“Trace.” she says simply.

 

I make a mental note to kill him later, “He’s a prick.”

 

“He’s your friend. And that still doesn’t mean that they like me.”

 

My voice converts to that of the way one might comfort a child, that soothing voice that tells them everything is going to be okay even though it seems the world is tumbling down, “It’s not that they don’t like you, they don’t know you. If they did they would be as crazy about you as I am.”

 

“Yeah, that must be it.” she says sarcastically as she wipes away a stray tear with her thumb.

 

“It’s true. Trace is probably pissed that he didn’t sleep with you first.” I add, tucking a piece of her hair away from her face so I can read it.

 

Beth scoffs, “Yeah you’re so right. It must be the same reason your mother doesn’t like me.”

 

The thought makes me gag, it is my mom after all, “No, she’s just protective. I think I’m living proof that she’s not into girls. Though is she was, she would realize just how drop dead sexy you are.”

 

“I think your mom knows after you commented on my breasts, yet again.” she says with a small smirk.

 

I laugh softly, “Yeah, I did do that didn’t I?”

 

“Again. How often do you think about my breasts anyway?” she says breaking into a fit of laughter thinking of the whole scene.

 

I pick her up off the floor, “Well allow me to tell you with a demonstration…”

________________________________________________________________________

 

I make myself comfortable on the oversized couch in the living room and go through a couple of Justin’s photo albums since he had to go meet a producer. The story of his life are emulated through goofy grins and candid moments captured within the film. Baby and school pictures, pictures of Trace and him fooling around, pictures of his family. I pull out the picture of Sarah and take another look at it. I feel pain, loss and resentment when I look at her face. Pain that she had to end her life the way she did, loss from the life we could have led together and resentment for only thinking about herself. I still lover her though.

 

My cell starts to ring and I answer it without glancing at the phone number, “Hello, Bethany Addison speaking.”

 

“Beth?” a familiar voice says.

 

If shock could kill, I’d be dead, “Jake?”

 

“Yeah, it’s me.”

 

I hold my hand against my stomach to keep from losing my breathe, as if that’s going to help one bit, “What do you want?”

 

“I called to apologize for doing what I did to you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

 

“You really should have thought about that before doing what you did.” I grit out.

 

“I just didn’t know how to react to the news. I am so sorry.”

 

I lick my lips, “And it took you a month to figure out?”

 

“I don’t know what else to say Beth other than I made a mistake. People aren’t perfect but that’s life. You forgive and move on because there are good people in this world Beth.”

 

“I know.” I respond as I close the book of photographs.

 

“So what do you think about giving us one more try?”

 

I pull my legs up to my chest, “I’m kind of seeing someone right now.”

 

Jake sighs over the phone, “Well, that was fast.”

 

I hear resentment is his voice, “Thanks a lot.” I answer.   

 

“Sorry. How about we just try to be friends?” Jake offers, throwing the question at me as what sounds like a last resort.

 

I squint as the sun pours through the glass window in the room, “Alright. How do you want to go about doing that?”

 

“Well when we see each other, we act civil.” he says laughing lightly as he tries to lift the mood.

 

“I think I could handle that.” I say, standing up and putting the photo album back on the shelf where I found it.

 

“Okay. I’ll call you when we reach New York. Maybe if you’re not busy you could come check out the show or something as long as your new boyfriend is cool with everything and all.”

 

“Okay. Talk to you later Jake.”

 

“You too Beth. I care about you know.”

 

I gently let my fingers slide over the frame sitting on the table that holds a picture of Justin and Lynn, “Thanks, bye.”

 

I hang up the phone and throw it on the other side of the couch. I rub my hands up my arms even though I know it’s not caused by a chill. At least not the kind of chill from the air temperature. The sound of the front door opening causes me to jerk upright and take a deep breath, fixing my hair as Justin walks in, “Hey.”

 

He smiles wryly at me, “Since you were having such a… long day, I brought you a gift.”

 

I cock my head to the side, “What gift?”

 

A second figure appears in the entrance way and I put my hand to my mouth in surprise, “Sam?”

 

He grins and runs over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist, “I missed you Belle.”

 

I breathe as sigh of relief as I touch his head gently. I look up at Justin and mouth, “Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” he whispers.

 

I really do love him, both of them. Sam tips his head back to look at me, “It was so cool. I got to ride in the coolest car where the rims spin.” He says with a smile.

 

“I’m so happy you’re here buddy.” I say in shock as I memorize his face like I’ll never see him again. I suppose the maternal instincts kick in when I’m with him.

 

Justin takes a step closer to me and hands me a box. I can barely take my eyes off of his as they fixate on mine. Sam lets go of me as he greets Justin’s dogs and I carefully open the wrapped box and lift the lid. Inside is a ring that has a ruby heart in the middle of a white gold band. Nothing too over the top, just sweet.

 

I move my body into his embrace and find contentment as Sam plays with the dogs. This is how life should always be.

 

I sit and watch Sam go on and on about basketball with Gia, who also happens to share his obsession with college ball and the Lakers. I look at him and wish I could be there first hand every day watching him grow up and change. Become the man he’s going to be and help him along the way with life. How to make good decisions and discovering what life really has to give.

 

Justin comes over and squishes into the chair with me, “Happy?”

 

I smile and snuggle into his chest, “Yeah. I still can’t believe you brought him here.”

 

“I figured you needed someone on your side other than me. Though you do know that this lack of alone time will be made up for in the bedroom…”

 

I smack his chest and he laughs, kissing my hand softly. I tilt my head until it touches his and I wink at Gia who finds Sam just as mesmerizing as I do. Well, close to it anyway. I’m not sure anyone could really comprehend how much I love him.

 

Sam stops laughing with Gia as Johnny enters the room. He’s smart enough to know that look on anyone’s face. The one that tells you that the person is obviously pissed off about something and you don’t know what you’re supposed to do except shut up and listen.

 

“Justin, someone is here to see you,” he says with a look shot my way. Back at you buddy.

 

Justin removes himself from my body, placing a kiss in my head as he gets up, “I’ll be right back.”

 

I move over so he can get up from the chair and sink into his place as he disappears around the corner. Sam stands up and throws away the yogurt he was eating, “I’m going to go get something to drink,” he announces.

 

I nod and he goes off searching for something to drink in Justin’s dressing room. I watch him leave and turn to Gia, “So what’s new?”

 

Gia grins, “What’s new with me? Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”

 

I shrug, “Nothing much except for Sam being here.”

 

“And that you’ve slept with Justin,” she says.

 

I go to protest but I could never lie to her so I close my mouth and bite my lip, “How do you always  know?”

 

Gia looks nonchalant, “I can just tell. So, how was he?”

 

I choke on my soda and cover my mouth as I start to cough. Gia take the drink from my hands as I recover, “I asked how he was in bed, not for the Colonel’s secret recipe.”

 

I lower my voice, “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Gia throws a pillow at me, “Oh come on. Share the details here. Was he better or worse than the other guy you were with?”

 

I start to blush and put my hands to my cheeks as they grow hot. Gia smiles and leans back, “Blew you’re world huh?”

 

I look down at my nails like I’m actually interested in them. I slowly look back up at Gia as she’s just sitting there grinning. I laugh a little but remember what I really wanted to talk to her about, “Jake called me yesterday.”

 

Gia’s eyes widen, “Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah. I mean he apologized and everything but it’s different now with Justin and all.”

 

“Uh, duh. That ass should have thrown away your number.”

 

I play with the cell phone in my hand, “He said that we could be friends and all. I thought that might be nice.”

 

Gia comes over and sits next to me, “Take it from someone who set you up with him, this cannot end well. Trust me on this one. Once you’ve dated someone it’s very hard to be friends with the person.”

 

“I know that’s true when you’ve slept with the person but we weren’t together that long and we didn’t take it that far.”

 

“Doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t get involved with him again. It was his loss and you’ve moved on.”

 

Sam comes back with a coke in hand and we drop the conversation. He sits next to me and smiles, “You should marry him.”

 

I laugh, “Oh yeah?”

 

“Have you seen his cars out there? Not only that but he has season tickets to the Lakers!”

 

“There’s a good reason to marry someone,” I groan.

 

“I think so.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

I make my way down the stairs to Johnny’s office and open the door. There is a guy sitting in the chair and he stands up to face me. When he turns around I want to punch him in his face.

 

“Hi, listen I don’t know if you remember me….”

 

“Jake,” I say simply.

 

“Yeah. Listen they wouldn’t let me see Bethany without a pass so I said it was about Pink Floyd and I needed to speak with you so I could get in. I’m not really looking for you but I was wondering if I could see her.”

 

I stare this guy down to keep from killing him, “No.”

 

“No? What do you mean no?”

 

Is he deaf? He really needs to go away, “I said no.”

 

Jake laughs bitterly, “I’m going to see her eventually, all I’m asking is that you take a moment from your busy schedule to just hand me a pass.”

 

“Listen, I think I have a right to protect my girlfriend from an ass who dumped her over the phone.”

 

Jake stops and blinks at me, “You’re dating Beth?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m sorry, she didn’t tell me that when I talked to her.”

 

Stop and freeze, “When did you talk to her?” I ask incredibly.

 

“Yesterday. She didn’t tell you?”

 

I hold my hands, “You know what? I’ll go get her for you.”

 

I don’t wait for a reply as I storm out of the room towards the stage. I can see red and that’s about it. I can’t remember the last time I was mad at Beth but this tops the list. This time she is in the wrong. I can’t believe she’s talking to him.

 

Beth and Gia are talking when I interrupt their conversation, “Beth, can I talk to you?”

 

Her expression changes as she looks at me, “Fine.”

 

She follows me quizzically as I hold on to her arm and lead her to my dressing room, “What is the problem?” she asks.

 

“What is the problem? Jake is my problem.”

 

Beth stops fuming and starts to breathe heavy, “What are you talking about?”

 

“Jake. He’s here looking for you because apparently after talking to you, he’s here to actually talk to you in person sitting in Johnny’s office. I do find it fascinating though that you didn’t bother to tell him you were dating me. That was my favorite part of the short conversation I had with him. Thanks for telling me you were chatting up your ex.”

 

“You know what? Just stop. First, I just got a call from him yesterday and then you brought Sam home with you and it kind of caused me to forget about the conversation and second, of course I didn’t tell him I was dating you. I told him I had a boyfriend but I didn’t name you because I didn’t want a big scene. Excuse me for being considerate,” she says as she storms out.

 

I sink into the chair and sigh. What the hell is going with my life these days?

________________________________________________________________________

 

I stand in front of Johnny’s door like I have for the past five minutes try to work up the courage to actually open the door. I finally take a deep breath and put my hand on the doorknob, turning it. Jake looks up from examining the gold records on the wall to look at me, “Hi,’ he says in surprise.

 

“Hi,” I answer softly.

 

“Look, I wasn’t trying to cause problems or anything like that. I didn’t know he was the one who you were dating and-”

 

I interrupt him, “I know, I know. It’s okay.”

 

“Thanks,” he says slowly.

 

“So what did you want?”

 

Jake shuffles back and forth for a minute, “Well actually I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch this week but after this whole thing I guess that’s not going to happen.”

 

I rub the back of my neck, “Um, I don’t think that’s going to happen this week.”

 

Jake nods, “Yeah, I apologize again for everything. I guess maybe this was a bad idea.”

 

“No, we should be able to be friends. I just have to calm Justin down and then we can do lunch or something,” I say with a sigh of the upcoming conversation I’m going to have to initiate.

 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to cause you any inconvenience.”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

“I miss talking to you Beth. I guess you never really know what you have till it’s gone. We were friends too.”

 

“I know. How about I call you later this week and we’ll set something up since I’ll be in New York.”

 

Jake nods and moves to put his arms up and we move around each other for a minute before hugging. I hope this whole awkward thing disappears quickly.

 

“I’ll see you around.”

 

I smile, “Bye.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

I pull up to Justin’s driveway and get out of the car after sending Sam home since he had school. I go inside to see him pouting on the couch. He doesn’t acknowledge me as I come through the door so I stand in front of his view of the TV, “Hi.”

 

Justin looks up at me but says nothing, moving to the side so he can see the television. I try not to yell at him as I contemplate the phrases I could say but choose not to, “Well I’m going to make dinner.”

 

I go into the kitchen and start putting things on the counter. Not two seconds later he’s blocking the fridge as I turn around, “Can I help you?”

 

Justin folds his arms over his chest, “Are we ever going to talk?”

 

I scoff, “I thought that was what I was trying to do when you refused to talk to me.”

 

“I just can’t believe you would talk to him and not tell me. You know how I feel about you.”

 

“You’re doing the exact thing Jake did to me.”

 

“That was totally different.” he says, trying to reason it.

 

“No it isn’t!”

 

Justin puts his hand on the wall to brace himself, “I love you. I love you Beth. I can’t imagine losing you the way I lost the others.”

 

“You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know how special this thing we have going is?” I counter.

 

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me?”

 

“Because I forgot. But you know what? If I want to be friends with Jake I’m going to. Because that’s all it would be, friends. I have you and I would never do something to jeopardize that.”

 

“So you’re going to see him again?”

 

I sigh but smile at him, “I may go out to lunch with him. That’s what friends sometimes do.”

 

He puts his hands on my sides, “I love you.”

 

I go up on my tip toes, “I love you too. Just friends, I swear.”

 

“Can I still hate him?” he mutters.

 

I giggle and shake my head, “No.”

 

“It may take a while.”

 

I kiss his lips softly, “For someone I connect with so much you can sure be a ass sometimes.”

 

“Listen, I’m a guy. We are entitled to our ass moments sometimes the way you guys are entitled to an occasional moody days.”

 

“Whatever you say.”

 

Justin picks me up and we go into the living room, putting me on the couch next to me with a bag of chips and the dip that I put together. He moves closer to me and puts his head on my shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re forgiven. Don’t worry, the next time you pull something like that without letting me explain I will kick your ass.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good, cause now you’re warned.”

 

 

We left LA for the second go around on Justin’s tour, on which we are back in the northeast. Boston. I smile as I relax on Justin’s chest as he nods off from time to time lounging on his couch, “You know, the first time I met you I swear I wanted to run out the other way screaming.”

 

“Aren’t you glad you stayed?” he mumbles softly.

 

I spread my chair out over his chest as I readjust myself, “Most of the time.”

 

His arms go to my back and rub my back softly, “You know your life wouldn’t be complete without me.”

 

I scoff, “Yeah, where would I be if I wasn’t following your ass around and making sure your coffee is hot.”

 

“You’re so funny,” he says sarcastically.

 

 I sit up a little and broach the subject I’ve had on my mind again, “Justin, can we talk?”

 

“Mmmm,” he moans to appease me, not really pay attention to me.

 

“I’m serious, you have to sit up and open your eyes.”

 

He doesn’t open his eyes, instead trying to push me down towards him again. I pull back and Justin moans out of annoyance, “Come on Beth.”

 

“No I mean it. Come on,” I protest, silently begging him to understand.

 

Justin sighs in defeat and sits up, “What is so damn important that you had to stop our little bonding session for?”

 

“I want to talk about work.”

 

“You have got to be kidding me,” he says, staring at me.

 

“I’m not. My work is very important to me and I’m not doing it.”

 

Justin clenches his fists and forces a smile, “Why can’t you just enjoy us? Why do we have to talk about work?”

 

I push the hair out of my face and behind my shoulders angrily over why he can’t understand where I’m coming from, “Because although I do love us, I also need to work. I don’t think you would be very happy to follow me around and do nothing.”

 

Justin raises his eyebrows, “Would I get sexual benefits?”

 

I smack his side, “It’s not funny. This is a serious conversation.”

 

“And I’m being serious. Everything is going to be fine,” he says trying to reassure me.

 

“You didn’t answer my question.”

 

“What question?”

 

I move to the other side of the couch to demonstrate the seriousness of the topic, “Whether you would be happy following me around.”

 

Justin gets annoyed and jerks up from his position of lying down on the couch, “I have never ever wanted to be a personal assistant. Maybe if I did I would want to. Do you know how many people would love to get paid for simply traveling the country?”

 

“But that’s not me.”

 

We both stare at each other since we both want the other to understand each other’s point of view when my phone cuts our staring contest short. I groan and reach for it in my purse. I hold my hand over the talk button and try to get up to go into the other room to answer it. Justin watches me and his playful attitude stops, “It’s Jake isn’t it.”

 

I turn around as the phone continues to ring, “Justin please don’t give me a hard time. We already talked about this.”

 

He throws his hands up in the air in defeat and walks out. I press the talk button as I watch Justin walk away, “Hello?”

 

“Hi Beth it’s me.”

 

I waver on my feet, “Hey Jake.”

 

“Hi, I was wondering if you had a minute.”

 

I go to answer him but a hand tapping me continuously on the shoulder, “Hold on Jake.”

 

I spin around to find Lynn, “Betsy where is Justin?”

 

Oh good, it’s genetic. I stand there in shock for a minute before opening my mouth, “My name is Bethany and I have no idea.”

 

Lynn walks right by me, barely missing my shoulder as she continues her power walk to the other room. It takes a minute before I realize I’m holding the phone against my body and Jake’s still on the line, “Hey I’m sorry.”

 

“No, don’t apologize. I know you’re busy.”

 

I laugh at the humor in that statement, “Not as busy as you’d think.”

 

“Hard dating someone you work for?”

 

I move my fingers through my hair, “You have no idea.”

 

Jake stutters for a moment, “So how is life treating you?”

 

I grin, “Fine. That’s not why you called me was it?”

 

Jake laughs nervously, “No it’s not.”

 

“Then what can I do for you?”

 

“I was wondering if you wanted to set up that lunch date?”

 

I lick my lips as I go through my planner, “Well we will be in New York next week. How about Wednesday?”

 

I hear shuffling on the other line before I get a response, “That sounds fine to me.”

 

“Okay, well I’ll see you then.”

 

“It’s a date,” he says.

 

I hesitate from the response, “It’s something.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

I sit and contemplate the thought of Beth having lunch with Jake. Uh I’m thinking of laughing which will lead to kissing which will lead to sex. Okay, maybe I’m overreacting but you know what? I don’t want to share her. She’s my girlfriends, why the hell should I have to share her with her ex?

 

My me time is interrupted by my mother, “You know she’s really starting to get on my nerves.”

 

I give her the most confused look in the world, “Hi, why are you here and what the hell are you talking about?”

 

My mother sits down across from me, “Gee, hi to you to. I’m here because I thought I would visit my only son and your girlfriend is making me nuts.”

 

“Okay first, you never visit me. Second, you haven’t been around her more than a total of five minutes so there is absolutely no way she should have gotten on your nerves.”

 

Mom rolls her eyes, “Betsy just stood there staring at me.”

 

“Maybe she did that because her name is Bethany. Just a guess but it may have pissed her off. She tends to get that way when you don’t remember her name,” I add sarcastically.

 

Mom throws me a look, “Whatever. Does it really matter as long as she knows I’m addressing her?”

 

I smile remembering that adorable face she used to make when I couldn’t remember her name, “Trust me when I say do not try and tell her that.”

 

Mom puts her arm out to my knee, “Honey I ran into Trace earlier and he said he hasn’t seen you in a week.”

 

I shift uncomfortably under her gaze. She was the one person I could never say no to. She raised me, it was us against the world, “I’ve been busy.”

 

Mom scoffs, “Yeah with Bella.”

 

“Bethany, mom. Bella is the dog.”

 

“My point is that maybe you guys could hang out tonight,” mom pleads.

 

“I don’t need you to set up play dates for me.”

 

“Do you want to lose your best friend? Because that’s the road you headed down.”

 

“Mom.”

 

“You don’t have to listen to me, just let everything dissipate.”

 

This is not going anywhere, “Fine mom. I don’t feel like arguing.”

 

Mom smiles and kisses my cheek, “Thank you,” she says leaving the room.

 

I listen to her footsteps get further and further away until I can’t hear them any more. I sigh and head towards the stage to practice and run into Beth, “So you going out?”

 

Beth tries to keep from chewing me out, “No, not tonight.”

 

I nod, “Well I’m going to go out with Trace tonight.”

 

Beth doesn’t say anything as her lips form a strait line as she nods. I run my hand down the side of her cheek before hitting the stage.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I meet Trace outside the club and try to smile when I see him, “Hey.”

 

Trace nods at me, “Hey.”

 

And here comes the awkward silence. We look at each other for a minute before Trace opens his mouth, “Listen, let’s just go in there and have a good time.”

 

“I think I can handle that.”

 

I follow Trace into the club and strait to the bar. He orders two shots and hands me one as people start cheering when they see us. I hold the drink in my hand and shift it around in my glass, watching the liquid hit the sides of the cup. 

 

“Come on, you said we were going to have some fun,” Trace urges.

 

I hesitate for a minute before downing the drink.

 

“That’s the guy I know,” he says patting me on the back.

 

The familiar burn from the drink causes my blood to heat up as Trace hands me another one. Some girl grabs my hand that doesn’t have alcohol in it and grinds up against me on the dance floor. The moves come naturally and I remember what it felt like to go out without a care. Everything has been so intense these days it’s nice to take a break from it. And thinking about Beth and Jake.

 

I see Trace out of the corner of my eye give me the thumbs up and I know I’m doing something right. But I’m not so sure that it’s right in the moral sense. I miss Beth. I miss her smile, her eyes, her body against mine. This girl isn’t Beth. She just doesn’t fit against me the right way. The way only she can. But then again she probably isn’t thinking of me. She’s thinking of Jake. That jackass.

 

The girl giggles and eyes me erotically. I smile but move away from her slowly. Then I see a blonde I know all too well. She steps out from the sidelines and comes over to me, kissing me on the cheek, “Hi.”

 

“Cameron.”

 

She smiles, “So you want to dance?”

 

 It’s going to be a interesting night.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I wait up in his hotel room waiting for him to come home. Or back I guess I should say. He’s been gone for hours now and it’s three a.m. I’m so exhausted it’s unbelievable. I talked to Jake again and we set something up for next week, which I will have to tell Justin about and listen to the reasons I should not go.

 

I see Justin come in through the door and I get up to greet him but as I do I see his face. He’s totally hammered. He smiles a smile that is so dopey I want to laugh out loud and cry at the same time. I try to keep from yelling, “Are you drunk?”

 

Justin doesn’t say anything but locks his arms around my body, dancing with me around the room, “I missed you,” he slurs.

 

“So the second that you’re away from me you drink? Have you learned nothing?”

 

Justin holds his head in his hands, “Could you please lower your voice?”

 

“How could you do this?” I ask, sitting down next to him. I immediately smell expensive perfume on him but reassure myself he loves me. He loves me. 

 

Justin leans his head to look at me and grins, “I do love your breasts.”

 

That was the last straw. I pull away from him angrily and storm into his room, grab my pillow and storm right past him out of the room. Justin stumbles out the door, pratically falling out of it and calls after me as I jog down the hall to Gia’s as fast as I can to keep as few people as I can from seeing me in my pajamas.

 

“Beth, come on.”

 

I spin around, “You know what? I tried my best to help you but if you don’t help yourself there is nothing I can do.”

 

I leave him as he tries to understand the words I spat at him and throw open the door to Gia’s room and fall face first into the bed, crying into the comforter. I feel a arm go around me and a body hit the bed, “You just cry about whatever he did. Let it all out,” Gia says.

 

And I do. For hours after I don’t speak. I just lay there on the bed with Gia and make myself comfortable as she lays awake with me. She doesn’t ask any questions instead waiting for me to talk.

 

“He got drunk tonight.”

 

Gia sits up, “Oh I’m so sorry.”

 

“Me too.”

 

“I do think he loves you though.”

 

“It doesn’t make me feel any better.”

 

Gia smoothes my hair back, “It will just take time.”

 

“And then I talked to Jake.”

 

Gia falls back onto the bed, “Oh. That was a smart move.”

 

“It made me realize just how much I love Justin.”

 

“Then give him a chance to explain.”

 

“Okay. As soon as I calm down.”

 

“Good. Now how was the sex?”

 

I smack Gia with the pillow and roll over listening to Gia laugh.

 

 

I spent the whole night with Gia. She listened to me for hours just talk and cry and cry some more. Then I decided I wasn’t going to cry over Justin Timberlake. I just needed to focus on me and my job. Or my old job, I’m not sure at the moment. I wake up and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. I love him and despise him at the same time. It’s just like Sarah. Just when you think all the people that can let you down have, a new person comes into your life and kicks you while you’re down.

 

Someone tries to turn the doorknob but I locked it last night since the only people that need access is me and Gia and we are both here. I hear a thump on the door that’s to loud for a hand. Then a whiny voice breaks the silence, “Beth, open the door.”

 

That would be a forehead pressed against that door and it can remain there until I feel like opening the door. I pull the covers over my head and listen to him plead through the door. Gis pokes her head through the bathroom threshold, “Oh just let him in.”

 

I poke my head out, “Then why don’t you get him?”

 

She grins, “Because once you go black you never go back and I wouldn’t want his pale ass following me around.”

 

I try to hide my smile as Justin calls to me again, “Beth, come on please let me in.”

 

I bury under the covers and put a pillow over my head. I can love him and still be angry right? Gia sits down on the side if the bed, “He’s not going to go away.”

 

I hold the pillow closer to my ears, “I don’t care.”

 

“He loves you.”

 

“If he loved me he would screw up every time he got the chance.”

 

Gia gives my form a pat before standing up, “He is trying though.”

 

I wait until Gia leaves and I stare at the door. Listening to him try to reason with me to open the damn door. Finally I relent looking at the clock, realizing people are going to be getting up soon and the last thing I need is for them to find a weepy Timberlake banging on some girl’s door. I get up and flip the lock before backing up as he comes flying through the door, practically falling on the floor in the process, “Thank you.”

 

I stand in front of him, “Oh no problem.”

 

He gets up and tries to hug me but I back up from his embrace, wanting my space, “What?”

 

Justin sighs, “Come on Beth, I’m sorry.”

 

I turn and sit on the bed, “I know you’re sorry. What else is new?”

 

Justin tosses his head back and takes a deep breath, “I know you have been trying but would you really call last night trying?”

 

“It was a mistake.”

 

“No shit,” I reply curtly.

 

Justin moves to sit next to me and I let him put his arm around my side, “I didn’t mean to disappoint you. It was just that Trace was there and suddenly there were no complications were in my life. It was like old times.”

 

I turn my head to look at him rather than the floor, “Like old times. Let me ask you a question, did you like the old times? Doing enough drugs to kill every brain cell you have, sleeping with a different girl every night, never knowing who you could really trust?”

 

Justin shakes his head, “No. It was just a lapse of judgment alright?”

 

I shrug, “I’m not your priest. I can’t tell you what to do and expect that your going to listen to me. You have a mind of your own but about this topic I would have thought you would have trusted me.”

 

“I do trust you. I just got caught up.”

 

He pulls me head to him and kisses the top of it. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding in and try and smile, “And what about your mom?”

 

Justin starts to try and laugh, “Well she might be a little slow to warm up to you than I originally anticipated….”

 

“What the hell did I ever do to her?” I question.

 

“You started dating me.”

 

“That’s everybody’s problem with me. If they spent half the energy they do hating me into watching out for your best interest we might actually accomplish something around here.”

 

Justin lets his hand slide up under my shirt and despite trying to convince myself to let him continue his assault on my body I pull away. Justin stands up, “Are you ever going to forgive me?”

 

I lay back on the bed, “Eventually. I just don’t want to do that right now. I’m still s little upset.”

 

“Fine. I guess I’ll just see you later than.”

 

“Fine.”

 

I watch him leave and close the door behind him. There is nothing more tiring than having to fight with him. It takes everything out of me. I feel so drained I can’t even put it into words. But I love him. Damn do I love him.

________________________________________________________________________

 

Well I was hoping for a little more forgiveness than I got. I am really sorry and it’s not like I went there solely to drink. In fact, it wasn’t even in the back of my mind but when I was there and everything felt right…. You know the rest.

 

Then there was Cameron. It might have slipped my mind that I saw her at the club when I was talking to Beth. Okay, so I purposefully didn’t tell her. I didn’t want her to freak out on me especially when she’s pissed at me enough already. When I realized it was her I’m not really sure how I felt about seeing her. One minute I feel like she’s just waiting to set me up to take the fall and the next she’s this incredibly venerable person. But she’s not Beth either.

 

With Beth, I know I can tell her anything and she’ll understand. She may not be happy about it but she accepts that I’m human. Cameron can’t handle anything that isn’t perfect. I suppose she knows in her heart that no one will ever live up to her ideals but that maybe she can transform them into what she wants. And Cameron always gets what she wants. Except this time.

 

She was all over me in the club. I swear the second I finally stand up for myself is the moment she decides all that playing hard to get shit wasn’t working and she shifted to slut mode. I found it funny that she never seemed to give me any affection when we were dating. It was normally me trying to molest her for just a bit of it. She’s not really into public displays of affection but last night was a brand new Cameron.

 

I swear she was grinding against me so hard I thought I was going to go through the wall. But something in my snapped and for the first time in my life, I pushed her away even though I was plastered. I may not be the world’s best boyfriend in terms of what I have done, but I was strong enough to do that. 

 

I relax against the back of the couch in my dressing room as Trace comes in the room and slaps me on the back, “That was fun last night wasn’t it?”

 

I glare up at him and scoff, “Which part, the drinks or Cameron?”

 

“Okay, so maybe things got a little out of hand but-”

 

I stand up and try to remember when our friendship was actually real, “You know what? I don’t need this.”

 

“What are you talking about? Oh…. Beth huh?”

 

“It’s not just about Beth, it’s about me. You compromise everything that I have worked so hard to get. You just need to leave.”

 

Trace sighs, “I thought we were best friends.”

 

“We were. Until you sold out.”

 

“I didn’t sell out,” he protests.

 

“Yes, you did. You only want Justin Timberlake, not Justin from Memphis.”

 

Trace rolls his eyes, “When you get over whatever this girly shit give me a call.”

 

He walks out on me and I stare at the wall for I don’t know how long until I hear someone clear their throat. I snap out of the dream world I was in and look over to Beth, “Hi.”

 

She moves the hair from her eyes, “Hi.”

 

I pat the spot on the couch next to me and she comes over, laying down across my lap, “You okay?”

 

“I sent Trace home again.”

 

Her fingers play a imaginary piano on my leg, “Good.”

 

I entangle my hand in her hair, “Are we going to be okay?”

 

Beth rolls over, “I hope so.”

 

Me too.

 

I don't know how I'm gonna tell you, I can't play with you no more,
I don't know how I'm gonna do what mama told me, My friend, the boy next door.
I can't believe what people saying, You're gonna let your hair hang down,
I'm satisfied to sit here working all day long, You're in the darker side of town.

 

“I was thinking that maybe we should invite your parents to dinner with mine.”

 

Beth groans and puts her hand over her eyes, “Again, your mother hates me.”

 

“She doesn’t hate you.”

 

“Oh yes she does. She thinks I’m practically the devil reincarnated.”

 

I chuckle as I splay my hand over her stomach that was revealed when her shirt rode up a bit. She puts her hand on top of her chest so I can’t go up any further. I guess I should stop pushing her and give her a little time. I remove my hand and set it on her stomach as she contemplates the thought, “When do you want to do this little shindig?”

 

“I was thinking when we make our rounds in New York.”

 

Beth bites her lip, “Like in the next few days? You really think that’s a good idea? I thought you would try and make a better impression than you did the first time around and then eventually when your mother stopped calling me Betsy they might meet. What the hell is it with your family and calling my any name that starts with B except for my name?”

 

“Well I did it because I was high.”

 

Beth raises her eyebrows, “So your mom lights up?” 

 

“No, my mother does not do drugs. She just… she isn’t that found of normal people dating celebrities. She thinks that it just can’t work.”

 

“You were a normal person once too you know.”

 

And when I'm out I see you walking, Why don't your eyes see me,
Could it be you've found another game to play, What did mama say to me.

That's The Way, Oh, That's The Way it ought to be,
Yeah, yeah, mama say That's The Way it ought to stay.

And yesterday I saw you standing by the river,
And weren't those tears that filled your eyes,
And all the fish that lay in dirty water dying,
Had they got you hypnotized?

And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry.

 

I smile, “I know. So what do you think about the idea?”

 

Beth sits up and leans back against the arm of the couch, “Fine. I’ll see if my parents can take off of work and you see if you can get your mom to be civil.”

 

“I’ll do my best. Are you going to be sleeping on the bus with me tonight?” I ask, hoping she’s forgiven me enough to at least sleep next to me.

 

“I’ll sleep on the bus with you. But that’s all we are going to be doing,” she stresses.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay,” she mimics, pressing her head to mine. And time stopped.

 

Don't know what to say about it,
When all you ears have turned away,
But now's the time to look and look again at what you see,
Is that the way it ought to stay?

That's the way... That's the way it oughtta be
Oh don't you know now, Mama said.. that's the way it's gonna stay, yeah. 

Led Zeppelin- That’s The Way

 

I sit at table in the restaurant thinking over the conversation I had with my mother earlier.

 Flashback- 

I bite my fingernail as the phone rings. I pray to God that she doesn’t pick up.

 

“Hello?”

 

Damn, “Hi mom.”

 

Mom sighs as I hear dishes hitting the sink, “Hi honey, good to hear from you.”

 

“I can’t tell you how good it is to hear you voice. I really miss you,” I say, letting my nerves be soothed by her voice.

 

“I miss you too sweetheart. How is work going?”

 

I immediately get a surging headache. It’s still one of those things Justin refuses to do or say anything about it, “It could be going better.”

 

“Well honey you could always work for someone else. The guy you’re working for isn’t exactly the nicest person you have ever worked for. I mean I know I let Sam go with him to see you but I didn’t exactly like the idea.”

 

I wince, “Well mom, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about…”

 

“You want Sam to come see you again?”

 

“No… well yes I want him and you to come. See, I was wondering if maybe you wanted maybe to come to New York and have dinner?”

 

I can tell my mom has stopped moving by the sound of nothing in the background, “You want to drive to New York so we can have dinner? What are you not telling me?”

 

“Well, you see, Justin and I are kind of-”

 

“Dating,” she says simply.

 

“You say the magazines I guess.”

 

“I did but after Sam came home and wouldn’t talk about him and now you calling, I can put two and two together.”

 

Sam is too damn smart. I never told him not to tell mom, he just instinctually knew I hadn’t told her yet, “Were kind of serious mom.”

 

“I have already met him,” my mom points out.

 

“But you haven’t met his parents.”

 

There is silence on the other line for a moment, “So you are serious.”

 

“Yeah, we are. I was kind of hoping you and daddy could come.”

 

“Oh honey you know I can ask him but that doesn’t mean he’ll come. You know he loves you but I think everything is still too painful for him.”

 

“Sarah’s death was painful for everyone mom, but we all have had to move on. Why can’t he just do this one thing for me?” I ask rhetorically, knowing this has nothing to do with my mother and asking her is pointless.

 

“I’ll call him sweetheart alright? That’s the best I can do.”

 

 End of flashback- 

My mom called back later to say she would come but daddy was going to have to miss it. Big surprise. A male voice interrupts my thoughts, “Long time no see.”

 

I smile as Jake slides into the chair across from me, “Hey.”

 

He grins and leans over, giving me a quick hug, “Hey yourself. So how is life going?”

 

I finger the silverware lightly, “I can’t complain yet.”

 

“You and Justin are doing well from the reports in the media. I’m really happy for you,” he says genuinely.

 

I shudder as he mentions the media. They are the last people I need commenting on our relationship, “I think we are trying to do well. It’s a struggle sometimes, but I guess those are the things you work hardest for.”

 

Jake laughs lightly, “You were always older than your years.”

 

“Certain things in life can cause you to grow up fast.”

 

Jake pushes his food around his plate that were just set in front of us, “I am sorry about the way things turned out between us.”

 

“Are you taking the blame?” I ask curiously.

 

Jake looks up from his fish to me, “Yes, I am.”

 

I take a bite of my food, “Thanks.”

 

“Don’t thank me, you deserve an apology. I really am sorry, we could have been good together.”

 

I ponder the comment for a minute, “Maybe everything is meant to be. What I have with Justin is something I have never experienced in my life. We just connect. I’m really happy.”

 

“Well that’s the important thing. I want you to be happy.”

 

“Thanks for the sentiment. I hope you’re happy to.”

 

Jake nods, “I’m getting there.”

 

“I hope everything turns out well for you. Of course touring with Pink Floyd is bound to open doors.”

 

Jake laughs, “It helps. How much can you eat?” he asks questioningly as I continue to shovel food in my mouth.

 

I try to smile and swallow at the same time, “Both Justin’s and my parents are meeting for the first time over dinner and I know I’ll be too nervous to eat so I’m trying to be as full as possible before they get here.”

 

“Good luck with that. How are you with Lynn?”

 

I smirk and raise my eyebrows, “I’m fine with Lynn. It’s how Lynn feels about me that’s the problem. She hates me.”

 

“Ouch. Are you sure you’re not just jumping to conclusions?”

 

“No, she made her opinion of me impeccably clear. She really does hate me.”

 

“It’s her loss. A lot of mothers would be happy to have you dating their son.”

 

I put my fork down and shrug, “I think she feels like I might rub off on him. Like I might still be suicidal and mentally unstable even though she doesn’t voice it.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, all that matters is you and Justin. After all, it’s your life and his.”

 

“I just have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is a huge mistake. I can’t seem to shake it.”

 

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. This was really nice, maybe we can do it again sometime.”

 

I nod, “Yeah, it was nice. I guess when we get a free moment we will have to do it again.”

 

“Absolutely,” Jake says with a smile.

________________________________________________________________________

 

It took days of begging and pleading to get my mother to agree to have dinner with Beth and her mom. I mean I had to get on my hands and knees to make this happen. She finally relented and sits impatiently with me in the living room, waiting for Beth to appear with her mother.

 

Mom raps her fingernails on the coffee table, “Is she going to make a grad entrance anytime soon?”

 

I sigh in frustration, “Mom, she has another five minutes until she’s on time and could you please be civil towards the two of them?”

 

Mom rolls her eyes, “I can’t make any promises.”

 

I pray that everything goes well as Beth walks through the door with Nora. I hop up and greet the two of them, “Hi Mrs. Addison, how are you?”

 

Nora tries to smile as she takes my hand, “Fine thank you.”

 

“And this is my mother,” I say gesturing towards her as she stand up.

 

My mom takes one look from head to toe of Nora and barely touches her outstretched hand, “Lovely to meet you.”

 

That has to be one of the most insincere things she has ever said. Beth reads her like a book, “Mrs. Harless.”

 

“Bethany,” my mother says simply.

 

We stand there for a minute in an awkward silence before I interrupt, “Why don’t we all go into the other room and have something to eat? We have some lemon chicken and salad ready.”

 

Mom brushes past us and stalks off to the dining room as I offer Beth and Nora a apologetic smile for her behavior. Beth looks angry but sucks it up as she takes her mother’s arm and leads her to eat. We all sit down and serve ourselves some food. I watch Beth barely pick at the small helping she served herself, instead focused on her mother’s expressions. I’m afraid to look at my mother.

 

“So what exactly do you do Nora?”

 

Oh shit.

 

“I’m a waitress at a dinner.”

 

I know she’s thinking her suspicions were confirmed, white trash.

 

Mom puts her wine glass down and looks over the table at her, “Lucrative?”

 

I kick my mother lightly under the table but she doesn’t even acknowledge me. Nora looks uncomfortably back at mom, “Not really. Did you think it was?”

 

Mom purses her lips, “I wasn’t sure.”

 

Nora sits back against the chair, “Well now you know.”

 

“And your husband?”

 

“My ex husband works in construction.”

 

Mom shakes her head, “Well that’s…. nice.”

 

“I provide a roof over my children’s head and teach them right from wrong which is more than I can say for some people,” Nora says biting back.

 

“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?” mom questions.

 

“I taught my children never to look down on anyone and make the best of life.”

 

Mom puts the napkin on the table, “And I don’t?”

 

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t. I don’t think I have ever met a man who has acted poorly than your son did the first time I met him. Now that I have met you I know now where he gets it from.”

 

I feel my defenses go up and watch Beth move her chair closer to her mother, “Excuse me but I think I have done a wonderful job raising my son.”

 

“Yes his drug habit was a real winner,” Nora says.

 

Mom’s eyes narrow and Beth and I just stare, powerless to stop this train wreck, “Well at least my son is stable.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You heard me, your daughter is a suicidal maniac.”

 

“Now you listen here,” Nora says standing up, “My daughter is just fine and your son doesn’t deserve her.”

 

“Wait a minute.” I interrupt but my mother cuts me off.

 

“Your daughter is a gold digger who needs to find another someone else other than my son. He’s too good for her.”

 

Beth goes white and holds her hand over her stomach as she quickly excuses herself from the table, running to the bathroom. Nora gets up, running after Beth and Mom sends the chair flying back as she grabs her purse, “Justin, end this thing.”

 

I watch her walk out the door and it takes me a second to recover before going to find Beth. I turn the corner to find her hugging Nora goodbye, “Mrs. Addison-”

 

She holds her hands up in the air, “Goodbye.”

 

Beth tries not to cry as her mother leaves. She stares at the door before turning to me, “Your mother is a real bitch.”

 

Beth angrily goes onto the dining room and starts to clean up, slamming the dishes into one another and carrying them out to the kitchen as I follow fast at her heels, “Do not call my mother a bitch.”

 

Beth pauses for a moment in an exaggerated position of rubbing her thumb against her chin as if she’s really thinking of the sentence, “No… no bitch comes to the forefront of my mind.”

“Hey, your mother wasn’t exactly pleasant either.”

 

“Which part wasn’t she nice, the one where she was ridiculed for having a job or where she was accused of raising a homicidal maniac?”

 

“Hey, your mother accused mine of raising a druggie,” I protest.

 

Beth slams the dishes into the sink, breaking some of them from the force, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Your poor mother,” she mocks.

 

“Hey, what she said was not exactly nice but it didn’t mean your mom had to blow up, besides, yours was the first to say I didn’t deserve you.”

 

“Well if the shoe fits,” she spats.

 

“Well at least what my mom said was true.”

 

“About what?” Beth challenges.

 

I don’t respond so Beth presses me, “About me being suicidal?”

 

I back off a little, “You were at one point,” I whisper.

 

Beth starts to hyperventilate and I reach out my hand for her, “Look that’s not really what I meant.”

 

She slaps my hand away from her, “Yeah I know exactly what you meant, your siding with your mother.”

 

I try to form words but Beth just turns around and runs for the door.

 

“Beth, get back here,” I call after her.

 

She spins around, “You know what Justin? Here’s a gesture you gave me when we first met,” she says, sticking her middle finger in the air.

 

She heads down the driveway to her car and backing out to the street. I call after her but to no response.  I slam the door and collapse in bed, wondering how we are going to pick up the pieces after this. Damn it.

 

 

I regrettably have to get up this morning and go to work for the asshole formerly known as my boyfriend. I’m not sure exactly if we officially ended it or if I have to wait for some big speech on how we tried to make this thing work but we really weren’t meant to be blah, blah, blah, blah. With a cherry on top. He’ll always side with her and I’ll never be able to compete. She’ll always come first, always be the one he compares his girlfriends to and the one I will have never lived up to.

 

I’m still feeling sick after last night and even the incredible debating abilities of Gia’s could not get me to touch any of the food provided for the crew. I don’t bother to pretty myself up, after all I’m not trying to impress him. I feel like he’s that villain in those Harry Potter books my brother loves so much. He Who Shall Not Be Named. That’s about right.

 

I called my mom but she wasn’t really in a talkative mood, wondering if we had broken up yet. Even though it is probably the best idea and would make everyone’s life easier, I can’t help but feel a loss. He and I just worked so well together. I know I’ll never forget our connection, the way it felt the first time we kissed, had our first real conversation or made love.

 

I make my way down to the lobby and sit in my designated seat and watch him perform with no emotions. Unfortunately for me, I’m not that strong. The moment I saw him I felt my heart catch in my throat and it starts to burn from keeping back tears. I hate that I can’t keep it together but he can occasionally make eye contact with me with no expressions on his face. I swear he can feel my pain even with the distance between us. And then it begins to occur to me that maybe there always was a distance that I never saw. Or maybe one I didn’t want to see. We were going down.

 

Justin gets down off the stage and starts talking to some guy standing yards away from me. He doesn’t even look at me as he snaps his fingers, “I need something to drink.”

 

I feel my blood boil and spin my head to look at him, “What?”

 

He turns his head to look at me, “I need coffee.’

 

I don’t say anything as I get up, rushing out of the arena as the tears I had tried so hard to believe don’t exist start running down my cheeks as the sunlight hits my face. I thought that after everything we had gone through, it would be different. That I meant more to him than some fuck he had one night. But I guess real life isn’t like that. I don’t mean anymore to him than any of those other girls no matter how much time we spent together.

 

I power walk to the nearest coffee place and pull on my sunglasses that hide my blotchy face. I stare at my feet as I walk and slam the coffee down next to him, walking away before he can ask me anything more should I lose it in front of him. I make a beeline for the elevator and hit the button hard several times though I know it won’t make things move faster.

 

Someone grabs my arm and I spin around to see Gia, “Are you alright?”

 

I shake my head no before covering my mouth to keep from making noises as I start to cry. The elevator dings but all I can do is move my body into Gia’s. She rubs my back as she moves the two of us into the elevator and pulls the stop button, “Oh Beth what is the matter?”

 

I gasp for air as I try to get out a sentence, sinking to the bottom of the elevator, “I.. he… we had dinner and it’s over.”

 

Gia gives me a puzzled look, “Okay if you could explain that in English that would be very helpful in the understating process.

 

I sniff and take a moment to breathe, “Justin and I had our mothers over for dinner together and it was a disaster. His mother insulted mine and mine went after his and before you know it he was siding with her and I stood with my mother. To make a long story short, I think we broke up last night.”

 

Gia puts her hand over her mouth, “No!”

 

I laugh bitterly, “Yeah and to top it all off he said absolutely nothing to me this morning except for “get me coffee.”   

 

“I’m going to kill that little bastard,” she starts to mutter under her breath.

 

I shake my head, “It doesn’t matter now. You were right from the beginning; I never should have gotten involved.”

 

Gia pushes the stop button in and the elevator starts to move again. She helps me off the floor and we make our way to the hotel room. I immediately lay on the bed, relaxing my nerves and hopefully calming my stomach.

 

Gia paces the room, “I’m going to go down there and kill him.”  

 

“If anyone should be volunteering to kill him it should be me. It’s fine G, it doesn’t matter.”

 

She leans against me as she sits down, “Oh but it does. When you two were together I could see you felt about him the way I feel about Derek.”

 

“It just doesn’t matter Gia. He only cares about himself and her.”

 

“Her being Lynn?”

 

I nod as she rubs my back. I feel something hard against my back as she rubs and I grab her hand, moving her sweater away from her hand to see a ring, “Gia?”

 

She tries to hide her smile in light of my situation, “Yeah, he proposed to me last night over a sunset picnic.”

 

I wipe my tears away with my hand and try to smile, “I am so happy for you G.”

 

“I was going to tell you but it just didn’t seem like the right time when I saw you at the elevator.”

 

“Oh don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’m so happy for you.”

 

“Thanks,” she says, looking at the ring in a daze. I really am happy for her but it still sends knives digging into my heart. It’s not like I thought Justin and I were going to get married but to listen to someone tell you they are getting married when you just broke up with your boyfriend smarts.

 

But I wish it was me. Having someone beside me for the rest of my life, protecting me and taking care of me. I have to stop thinking about it otherwise I’ll start to cry again and I’m not ruining her moment. I tip my head to hers, “You just let me know when you guys have set a date and I’ll be there.”

 

“I know you will.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

Okay maybe asking her to get me coffee wasn’t the perfect thing to say to Beth first thing in the morning after last night but I feel like dying and I wanted her to hurt just as mush as I am. Of course I think I succeeded when she slammed the  coffee down on the table and stormed away. I have been going around looking for her but I have yet to find her so I’m making my way up to her hotel room. I tiredly knock on her door and anxiously wait for Beth to open the door. Unfortunately it’s Gia who opens the door, not Beth, “What the fuck do you want?”

 

I scowl at her, “You weren’t there last night so please don’t yell at me until you have heard the whole story.”

 

“So that gives you an excuse for treating her like shit this morning?”

 

Okay, she has me there.

 

“Can I just talk to Beth?”

 

Gia looks back into the room and sighs, opening the door wider so I can come in. I step into the room and look at Beth laying on the bed.

 

“Listen I am going to go hon. If you need me give me a call.”

 

“Bye G. Congrats on your engagement.”

 

I bet that hurts. Gia smiles sadly as she leaves and closes the door behind her. I walk over to the front of the bed and just stand there.

 

“You want another coffee?”

 

I sigh in frustration, “I thought you wanted to work.”

 

She looks at me angrily and I know I’m pushing her buttons. Not a good move when I don’t even now where we stand, “So what are we going to do?”

 

“About what?”

 

“About us.”

 

Beth sits up, “There is no us. I thought you made that very clear last night.”

 

I bite my lower lip, “Maybe we got into this too quickly.”  

 

“Or maybe you just can’t stand up to your mother.”

 

“And maybe you can’t admit yours was wrong,” I shoot back.

 

Beth grabs a tissue from the side of the bed and wipes her eyes, “I’m tired of fighting. Let’s just call it quits and get on with life.”

 

“You want to end it?” I ask surprised.

 

“Are we not having the same conversation? Like you said, we moved too quickly when we never should have gotten started in the first place.”

 

“Is that how you feel?” I ask angrily.

 

“I feel like you betrayed me. Betrayed us when you let your mother decide our future.”

 

I don’t say anything, trying to think of a comeback even though nothing is coming to mind. Beth stands up and holds back tears, “And I’m sorry we ever met, because I was happy before I met you. Now I’m just hurting. You want to talk about sending someone back into a suicidal depression?”

 

“Don’t even joke about that shit,” I warn.

 

“I’m not the one who said I was suicidal.”

 

We stare at each other for a minute when Beth doubles over in pain, holding her stomach. I bend down trying to help her stand up, “Are you alright?”

 

Beth shakes her head and I scream for a doctor. I can’t see anything but her right now.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I wait in the hospital with Beth. We haven’t said anything since she came out of testing but I can tell she’s nervous. Finally the doctor comes into the room, “Miss Addison?”

 

“Yes,” she says sitting up in the bed.

 

He looks over to me, “Would you like for your boyfriend to wait outside?”

 

I shake my head no and Beth rolls her eyes, “He can stay.”

 

The doctor nods and turns to the clipboard, “I am very sorry to tell you that you miscarried.”

 

Beth looks like she’s going to lose it, “What?”

 

“You were a little over a month pregnant. That’s why you were bleeding so badly and the cramps were intense.”

 

Beth starts to cry again as the doctor touches her shoulder, “We will be discharging you in a few hours.”

 

 She'll let you in her house

If you come knockin' late at night

She'll let you in her mouth

If the words you say are right

If you pay the price

She'll let you deep inside

But there's a secret garden she hides 

The doctor leaves her to her pain as he closes the door behind him. I go over to Beth speechless. She puts her hand on her chest and closes her eyes as pain enters her features. I put my hand on her shoulder, “Well at least we don’t have to deal with it right now.”

 

Beth opens her eyes and glares at me, “Deal with it right now? You mean have our baby with me?”

She'll let you in her car

To go drivin' round

She'll let you into the parts of herself

That'll bring you down

She'll let you in her heart If you got a hammer and a vise

But into her secret garden, don't think twice 

You've gone a million milesHow far'd you get

To that place where you can't remember

And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path

There'll be tenderness in the air

She'll let you come just far enough

So you know she's really there

She'll look at you and smile

And her eyes will say

 

“That’s not what I meant,” I backtrack.

 

“Thank God we broke up because had I not lost our child you might have been a father,” she says bitterly.

 

This is not going how I planned. None of this was planned, “Beth-”

 

“No, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your career or anything like that. I can see how you would find this thing good.”

 

“It’s not good and you know I didn’t mean it. All I meant is that we are a mess and bring a baby into this environment is not a good idea.”

 

Beth closes her eyes again, “Well if we weren’t broken up before this, our present conversation would have sealed the deal.”

 

I pace around the room with my hands on top of my head, “Fine, I’m a asshole. Are you happy now?”  

 

She sniffs, “I’m going home to my mother.”

 

“You can’t.”

 

“Yes I can. You took a month off in June and my contract says I get September off because that was when your tour was supposed to be over. The summer is over Justin,” she whispers.

 

“You have to come back Beth,” I remind her in an effort to cause her to reconsider.

 

“Eventually. But not today.”

She's got a secret garden

Where everything you want

Where everything you need

Will always stay

A million miles away

 

Bruce Springsteen- Secret Garden

I lay on my bed in my room, buried underneath the covers. I haven’t moved in a few days, instead letting my mind wonder. My ipod rests at my side providing with some comfort at night when I feel like screaming. My birth control pills lay scattered over the floor in my closet where I literally threw them at the wall, slamming into it and scattering everywhere. I know they didn’t let me down, I wasn’t prepared for our first night together but it doesn’t make me feel any better. All I feel is empty, unable to keep a hold on anything. My dad, my sister, my boyfriend and my baby.

 

 I know my mother has some serious questions to ask as to how I could have been so reckless but I have been dodging the question by hiding. She has been doing the best she can to comfort me but secretly I think she’s relieved. She hated him and a baby would have only succeed in making things more complicated. She got her wish, both he hand the baby are gone. A timid voice breaks the silence in the room, “Belle?”

 

I pull the covers back and peek out, pulling the covers down allowing him access, “Come on in.”

 

Sam smiles gently as he climbs into my bed, snuggling against me, “Do you think I’m too old to do this?”

 

“You’ll never be too old to do this,” I assure him.

 

“I’m glad you’re home.”

 

I touch his hair gently, smoothing it down, “I missed you.”

 

He smiles, “It’s never the same when you’re gone.”

 

“I feel the same way.”

 

Same bites the inside of his cheek when he’s not sure to ask a question or not. Finally he decides it’s worth a breath, “Are you sad about… you know?”

 

I take a deep breath and nod, “Yeah, I’m really sad.”

 

Sam plays with the edge of his shirt, “Did you break up with Justin?”

 

I lean in and kiss his forehead, “Yeah we did. Not over what happened but because of issues we couldn’t work through. I’m afraid to tell you that there will be no marriage which means no season tickets to see the Lakers. ”

 

Sam tries to laugh, “You know all I really want is for you to be happy.”

 

I look at his features. They are already beginning to change from a child’s into a young man’s, “You know, I was the first one you called mom.”

 

He looks up at me in surprise, “Really?”

 

I nod, “Mom was working all the time to support Sarah’s modeling and Dad was making sure that she landed her gigs. It was just you and me kid. One day I was playing ball with you on the lawn and right out of the blue you said momma.”

 

“Well you raised me.”

 

I smile sadly, “I thought my heart was going to bust out of my chest.”

 

His arms go around my waist, “I’m sure eventually you’ll get that feeling again.”

 

“I’m not sure I could ever go through this sort of thing again,” I say more to myself than to him.

 

“Don’t say that, you’ll make a great mom.”

 

Someone wraps their knuckles on the door and we both look over to see my mom standing in the doorway, “Sam why don’t you go downstairs and give Beth and I some time to talk.”

 

Sam leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek as he reluctantly gets up and leaves. I sit up carefully as the conversation I was looking to avoid for as long as possible is now staring me strait in the face. Mom makes herself comfortable next to me, “You have been home a week and we haven’t said more than two words to each other.”

 

“That’s because I know what you have to say,” I answer, avoiding her eyes.

 

“How did this happen? I thought we taught you better than to have this happen.” mom asks somewhat desperately.

 

I roll my eyes, “I don’t know mom. I wasn’t with someone for five years and when the moment came up, I don’t know, I guess I just reacted. We weren’t really thinking when it happened. It’s not like I was purposefully trying to conceive and see what would happen.”

 

“Did you guys break up?” she probes.

 

Fresh tears run down my face, “Yes.”

 

“Over the miscarriage?”

 

I shake my head, “Over our dinner together. He defended his mother, I defended you and before you knew it, we were over. Then he wasn’t exactly crying when he heard I had miscarried.”

 

“What did you think he was going to do? Ask if you wanted to try again?” mom says bitterly.

 

I stand up and move away from my mother, feeling the sudden urge for some space, “Thanks mom that is so helpful.”

 

Mom stand up, “Look I’m not trying to hurt you. I just can’t understand how someone who had her whole life planned out and never did a rash thing in her entire life could possibly consider having sex without protection.”

 

“Look mom I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry that I made a mistake, I’m sorry you don’t approve but most of all I’m sorry that I lost my baby. But you know what? I’m used to it. I cannot seem to hold on to anyone, not one person. But I’m not suicidal. I have that going for me.”

 

My mother comes over and rubs my arms since I don’t have the energy to push her away, “You haven’t lost me and you haven’t lost Sam. I am happy to hear you’re not depressed though. You’re right, I didn’t like him, but it doesn’t mean that if you told me you were pregnant I would ever want you to go through this. I lost a child too.”

 

I close my eyes, “I didn’t feel anything, you know? I never once felt pregnant. I was so stressed out in the beginning that I never got my period when I started working with him. I just assumed it was like every other time I got stressed. I never thought for a minute I was pregnant and assumed in the back of my mind as it was happening that because I wasn’t getting it, I couldn’t get pregnant.

 

Mom pulls my body towards her and gently rocks me, “It’s going to be okay sweetheart. In the end everything will be alright.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

The tour has continued without Beth. Gia has taken her position although she refuses to talk to me although she does call me names under her breath. I can’t argue with her though. I would do exactly the same thing. If I could go back in time I would have handled it differently.

 

I was so shocked by the news that she was pregnant and has lost the baby I wasn’t really thinking except for the fact I was not ready to be a father. At least at that moment in time. If I had time to really let the whole thing set in, I would have told her we could have done it. As it is, it wouldn’t surprise me if she never spoke to me again.

 

I hadn’t meant to act like a ass, I just wasn’t thinking correctly. But I miss her. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I told my mother we broke up, I swear I could hear her dancing over the phone. I didn’t tell her Beth was pregnant because I think that would have really sent her up the wall. Not that it matters now.

 

I sit in a chair with coke sitting in front of me. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was so out of it tonight that I went and bought some. It sits on the table, waiting to be used. To take me to the place that only it can. It taunts me silently, a reminder of what I have tried so hard not to do. I spread some out on the table and look at it hard. All that comes to mind is Beth’s face. Her face leaning over mine the night I almost overdosed, taking care of me. But she wasn’t going to be here tonight.

 

I start to get angry, at myself mostly. The more I stare at the drugs the angrier I get before I flip the table over, sending the drugs all over the floor. I go onto the bus and close my eyes to try and get some sleep. Although Beth isn’t here, I hope she knows what effect she has had on my life. I can take control of my life by myself. And I have her to thank for that.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I sit patiently trying to listen to my mom happily go on about her new clothes she bought. It just seems so mindless especially after what has happened in the last week that I can barely stand it.

 

“And you know I saw Cameron the other day and thought that maybe we could all go on vacation together.”

 

I look up at her, “Mom, we are not together.”

 

“But you could. She was always so nice.”

 

I am so fed up with her I could scream, “Mom, just stop alright? She is not nice. Will you please stop shoving women at me? I just broke up with the only girl I have ever felt like I connected with. And the whole reason we broke up is because I defended you, who doesn’t even know me anymore.”

 

Mom stops moving, “I know you.”

 

“Then why didn’t you know I was doing drugs? Why didn’t you know that Cameron and I do not work well together. You know what else you don’t know? Beth was pregnant.”

 

My mother looks like she’s going to have a heart attack, “What?”

 

I throw my hand sin the air, “Yep. She miscarried the day after the dinner and I wasn’t exactly what you call supportive. So if you don’t mind could you please just leave me alone?”

 

Mom leans down and grabs her pocketbook slowly, walking out the door. And there goes my last friend. I am officially alone.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I have been doing work on my computer from my room. I remove my reading glasses and rub my tired eyes. I have had about enough of looking for another job now that I won’t be renewing my contract with Justin but my wonderful dating life has been splashed across every newspaper in the country which in English means that no one wants to have a assistant who sleeps with her boss.

 

My mother opens the door, “Hey there is someone to see you.”

 

“Mom do you think you could tell them I’m busy?”

 

I hear no answer so I turn around to see Lynn. My jaw hits the floor, “Mrs. Harless.”

 

“Hi,” she says gently.

 

My defenses go up, “What are you doing here? If you are here to rejoice that Justin and I have broken up you could have done it over the phone,”

 

Lynn takes my arm and guides me to sit on the bed with her, “Justin told me that you miscarried.”

 

I put my arms around myself, “Look I’m sorry alright? It certainly wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Good news is you don’t have to worry about it.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

I eye her as I stand up, “No questions as to why I did this horrible thing to your son?”

 

Lynn puts her hand on mine, “I lost my baby.”

 

“What?” she has me totally confused now.

 

“I was pregnant with twins. Justin had a twin sister who was still born.”

 

My emotions start to get the best of me, “You did?”

 

“In time I healed but I remember how painful it was. You never forget.”

 

“And you came here to tell me this?”

 

“I felt you needed to hear it from me personally. I know I would have appreciated someone telling me that rather than judging as to why it happened as apposed to focusing on my grieving period.”

 

“But you hate me,” I remind her.

 

Lynn bites her lip, “I know we haven’t gotten along since you started dating Justin and I know part of it is me. I really am sorry that you miscarried because you will always remember the one you lost. Something tells me it won’t be your last.”

 

“So no questions, no yelling no screaming at me?” I ask, tears brimming.

 

“No.”

 

Not even my mother did that. No questions, just comfort and support. I suddenly feel like someone understands what I’m going through and lean into her as she cradles me gently, “You are the last person I ever thought would be hear doing this.”

 

Lynn rubs my back, “I know. But you know that the only reason I disliked you was because I could see that he loved you, not because I disliked you as a person.”

 

“Well you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

 

“Whether you and Justin ever get back together again is up to the two of you but I want you to know how sorry I am for the way I treated you and your mother. Something tells me though that I’m going to have to worry about you for the rest of my life. You two have something like I have never seen.”

 

“We just can’t make it work. Nothing will ever be the same.”

 

Lynn puts her hand on my cheek, “You guys made have needed a break from one another, but in the end you never know what time can heel.”

 I doubt it but right now it’s just nice to be understood. Nothing will ever be okay again.

I am way more nervous than I have ever been in my life. More nervous than when NSYNC played the super bowl, more nervous than when we preformed with Michael Jackson, more nervous than when I went solo and more nervous when I preformed for the first time alone on the VMA’s. Beth is coming back today. I haven’t spoken to her since she left, not that I haven’t thought about it every day for a month. Every damn day.

 

I missed her just for the fact that her very presence made my life better. As fun as Gia has been, what with all comments and making my coffee so hot that I burned myself trying to take a sip or sending me to interviews hours after they were over. She knows I won’t do anything about it though. She’s not afraid of getting fired anymore since Beth came. I could never fire her best friend; I’m getting what I deserve. And she knows it too. I also think she knows that I love Beth, which is why she has yet to put cleaning products in my food.

 

The nice thing about the situation now is that the tour is done I am at home in LA, which means that I can have Beth’s undivided attention without interruptions from anyone else. Just the two of us.

 

The weird thing out of all of this is mom. I guess it is a good and bad thing about my current situation. Ever since I blew up at my mom is that she has been scarcely keeping in touch. I mean she calls every once in a while but she hasn’t been over to see me since I blew up. I assume she’s not mad at me since everything is cordial and it’s not like I was trying to hurt her feelings but it was time she understood everything. She hasn’t said one word about setting me up with the next love of my life or that she is so happy that Beth and I are broken up. In fact, she hasn’t even mentioned her name since my outburst.

 

My hands start to sweat and I keep wiping them off on my jeans in an effort to try and at least look calm and collected. A car pulls up in the driveway and I peek out to see her walking up the driveway. I hurry over to the couch and flip open a magazine, placing it on my lap as though I’m engrossed in the article on the upcoming winter fashion. The key hits the lock and I listen to it turn as the door opens. I hear footsteps behind me and I swear she has to be able to hear my heart beating out of control.

 

“Mr. Timberlake.”

 

I freeze as the name comes out of her mouth. It’s like she’s addressing a stranger, someone she wouldn’t remember tomorrow. I stand up and turn around to face her, highlights now gracing her auburn hair, nails done to perfection, but her eyes have lost their sparkle.

 

“Justin,” I correct her.

 

“Whatever you want. That’s what you pay me for,” she answers.

 

I take a step closer to her and she takes one backwards. Her hands are wrapped so tightly around her planner that her knuckles are starting to turn white.  I move to touch her hands but she pulls away, her eyes leaving mine, “What do you want me to do?”

 

I rub my arm angrily, “Beth.”

 

“I want to keep our contact to a minimum. Just tell me what you need done.”

 

I ignore her question, “Does that mean we can never be alone with each other?”

 

“I’m sure we’ll be alone. The real question is will we ever be comfortable with each other ever again and the answer is probably not.”

 

Her eyes get glossy but she hardens up like I have never seen her do, “Listen I want to keep this as professional as possible so if you could just tell me what you want me to do so we can make it through this year alright? Just let it go.”

 

I hang my hands down at my sides in defeat, “I need to have someone put the utensils and shit in the boxes put away in the kitchen now that the tour is over.”

 

Beth nods and heads off to the kitchen to do her job. I sink down onto the couch as I watch her walk away. I know I shouldn’t have thought that she would magically have forgotten what I said and did last month but I was hoping we could at least have a conversation about it. No such luck.

 

I hear clattering in the kitchen and I sneak over to at least see her. I watch her as she is on her hands and knees tearing open each box and put things where she thinks they should go. It’s one of those moments where the guy sweeps in and rescues the girl, taking her away from her problems and protecting her from the thing that hurts her most. Unfortunately for me, I’m her pain.

 

Her hair slightly falls into her eyes and she brushes it away with her forearm in frustration as she rips open another box. She delicately puts away the silverware, making sure that they go in their designated spot.   

 

A voice behind me causes me to jump in the air, “Justin?”

 

I whirl around, clutching my chest, “Mom?”

 

She puts a hand on my shoulder, “Are you alright? I called earlier to say I was dropping by to bring you a microwave.”

 

I stutter a little as I am know standing in the kitchen with Beth painfully aware that I was watching her. Mom looks confused until her gaze looks beyond me to Beth. Understanding comes over her features and I squirm as I move so I’m standing between her and Beth, trying to prevent another attack from occurring. I barely have her in my life but to lose her completely might kill me.

 

My picks up the box she brought, “Well I’m just going to drop this off and leave you two alone.”

 

I blink at her and watch in shock as she sets the box down and discreetly touches Beth’s arm. Now I know I’m hallucinating. She kisses me on the cheek and makes her way out of the house. I turn back to Beth but she has her back turned to me as she opens the next box, putting the item away.

 

I come up behind her until I can smell the shampoo she used in her hair this morning. She must feel me presence behind her because she stops moving and I can see the hairs on her arm go up. I wrap my arms around her in one quick motion and feel her tense up, “Stop.”

 

I can barely breathe, “I can’t.”

 

“Please stop, I need to get a jacket or a sweater. Or fuck anything, I’m chilly,” she says, trying to jerk away from my hold on her.

 

“It’s not cold out,” I whisper in her ear, placing my head against hers.

 

She starts to tremble as she finally pushes away from me, “I can’t do this again Justin, I just can’t. I have been through enough with you.”

 

“Can’t we just talk? Please?” I beg her.

 

“What is there left to say?”

 

I take her arm and lead her over to the couch, sitting next to her although she is not happy about it, “I am so sorry for the way things happened between you and me and I understand that you were hurt.”

 

Beth laughs much to my surprise, “I’m so glad you understand I was hurt. That makes me feel so much better knowing that.”

 

“I am sorry. I’m sorry for the way I acted at dinner, I’m sorry you lost your baby and I’m sorry for the way I acted when I found out.”

 

“You just don’t get it do you? It wasn’t my baby, it was our baby. Yours and mine. That is what hurts the most, the fact that it never hit you that I was carrying a piece of you too.”

 

“If I could go back and do it all over, I would have handled it differently. I would have told you that we could have handled it and although WE lost the baby that if we hadn’t, we could have done it,” I reassure her.

 

Beth looks away from me, “But you can’t go back in time. So if you don’t mind, I would like to make our time together as painless as possible.”

 

I bite my lip, “Look, I don’t know why you were hired and I don’t know why I acted like I did, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. You and I are supposed to be together. For better or worse, you are the one for me. And because in the end, all that matters is that that one person is there for you no matter what, and I want to do that for you.”

 

She puts her head back so it hits the back of the couch, “If you can’t handle my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

 

“Please can’t we try to work things out and give it another shot?”

 

Beth shakes her head, “I won’t do it again. You were the second hardest thing I have ever had to live through and I did it. I’m not giving you another chance to break my heart. It’s been shattered one too many times for me to want to try again.”

 

“So what now?” I ask in desperation all the while thinking that I can’t let her get away.

 

She pushes my hand that was resting on her thigh off, “We forget about us and focus on what we have to do. If you’ll excuse me, I have to put the kitchen together.”

 

I follow her to the kitchen, “Do you ever wonder what the baby would have looked like?”

 

Beth stops but doesn’t turn around. I decide to continue, “I spent so many nights laying awake thinking about it I can’t even count them. Whether the baby would have had your eyes, or your smile. Maybe your hands, or your face or maybe your hair color. I thought about you and what a wonderful mother you would have made after having taken care of your brother. It hurt just as much as you do, because I know what I lost too.

 

She turns around slowly, “How do you think I feel? I wanted the baby.”

 

Her voice cuts through me like shards of glass. She looks out the window and I lose her attention as she adds, “You can’t make this better. You can’t erase what you did, that only your mother came to see me and you stayed here.”

 

“My mother? My mother came to see you?”

 

Beth looks puzzled, “She didn’t tell you?”

 

“No she didn’t tell me.”

 

“It doesn’t matter anyway.”

 

I feel the color drain form my face, “I didn’t know you wanted me to come after you.”

 

“You missed the boat once again,” she says, walking off.

 

Then I’m left alone to pick up the pieces of my heart. The thought of not being able to repair this relationship never crossed my mind. I suppose that the extent of her pain was not clear until she stepped into the house. I assumed after we had time to cool down we would just pick up where we left off. I guess reality doesn’t really work like that. But I’m not giving up on her. If I have to spend the rest of my life chasing her I’m going to do it, because I love her.

 

Now I have to have a conversation with my mother. Why would she have gone to see Beth? And from the context of Beth’s sentence it didn’t sound like it was a cosmic fight that shattered the universe. And why the hell would she have gone to see Beth if the whole time we were dating she wanted to kill her and the second we break up she’s off adopting her as the daughter she never had.

 

Then a light bulb goes off in my head. Laura.

 

My mom never called so I eventually had to call her after a few days and make her come over. Beth has the day off since she has been sitting around here moping because I really don’t have anything for her to do. I just want her with me but apparently it’s easier for me than it is for her.  Surprise, surprise. Apparently she’s still into the whole, “I have to do my job” thing. I had to fall in love with someone who had a moral fiber and a work ethic.

 

I look up as my mother comes into the room and sits across from me, “What is so urgent I had to run over here?”

 

I ignore her, “I thought you would have called. Stupid me.”

 

Mom looks at me curiously, “And I thought you made it clear you wanted some space.”

 

“I do. I’m talking about important things that you tell your son that go beyond my asking for space.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

I shake my head, “Why didn’t you tell me you went and saw Beth?”

 

Mom stiffens a little, “She told you?”

 

“She told me because she thought you already had. How the hell did you know where she lived. You told her about Laura didn’t you?”

 

“Of course I told her about Laura. Did you really expect me not to tell a woman who had just miscarried that Laura was stillborn?”

 

I laugh instead of screaming because I don’t know what else to do, “So you couldn’t stand her when I was with her but now that she miscarried, which I didn’t tell you in the beginning because I thought you would hit the roof, you trot on over to her. What the hell?”

 

Mom reaches over and takes my hand, “She scared me.”

 

“What do you mean she scared you?” I ask, completely confused.

 

“Justin, you have never felt that way about any single girl you have ever dated. I saw it in your eyes the first time I met her when you checked into rehab.”

 

“That scared you? I thought you wanted me to fall in love.”

 

Mom smiles sadly, “Of course I wanted you to fall in love. You were in love with Britney, you were in love with Alyssa and for a very short time you had feelings for Cameron. And through it all I still came first, before all those girls. All of them. And then I saw you with Beth and I knew that suddenly, I wasn’t going to be your number one. It scared me, I was afraid of losing you. But now, I realize that you deserve to be completely in love with someone who loves you right back. She does need to come first and I’m okay with that.”

 

I put my head in my hands, “I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me for what I did to her, what I put her through. But I love her more than life itself. I swear.”

 

She rubs my back gently, “I know you do. You just need to give her some time.”

 

“I’m losing my mind without her,” I whisper.

 

Mom chuckles, “I know, believe me I know.”

 

“What part of this is so funny?”

 

“It’s not funny, just…. Obvious.”

 

“I wish Beth saw it that way.”

 

“I think she does,” mom muses.

 

I play with the edge of her coat that I have hidden underneath the couch pillow, the one I stole because she no longer lives with me and her perfume brings me some comfort at night. Maybe it isn’t the most mature thing in the world to do but what the fuck am I supposed to do?

________________________________________________________________________

 

I open the door to my apartment and smile at the face that greets me, “Hi handsome.”

 

“Hey, I missed you,” Jake says, leaning in and giving me a hug.

 

“I missed you too,” I say, moving aside so he can get past me.

 

I have been keeping in touch with Jake while he was doing a few select shows with The Who. Now that he’s in California for a few weeks while recording some things. I’m glad to have someone on my side here since all my close friends are back on the East Coast, including Gia. She’s so busy planning the wedding that I wouldn’t want to bother her with my problems anyway.  

 

My new apartment is smaller than I would normally like but since I don’t plan on being in LA for very long. My job will be up soon and I’m not renewing the contract even if it means that I have to look for a new career.

 

Jake scoots up next to me as I put some corn chips into a bowl. I continue doing what I was focused on before he interrupted me and put some salsa in a bowl until he wraps his arms firmly around my waist.   

 

I let his body hold mine for a minute and I remember the security that Justin’s used to provide for me. He rubs my side gently as an apology for everything I have been through. He knows we broke up, just like every media outlet in the world but for what reason I have remained silent. It’s too personal to share with him or anyone else for that matter right now.

 

I smile at him, “Thanks for coming.”

 

“I’m happy to do it.”

 

I take a chip and pop it in my mouth, “So anything new?”

 

Jake shrugs, “Not much. Not seeing anyone, just working hard.”

 

“I heard you’re going on tour again soon.”

 

“Soon, but not before I take a break to breathe.”

 

“Good for you. I would have liked a little more time to breathe personally.”

 

“So how is it working with him?” Jake asks carefully.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say swiftly, ending our conversation.

 

He takes a seat on the couch and I turn on the TV, flipping through some stations until I find something actually worth waiting five minutes to see if it gets better. Jake’s arm loops around my waist and I realize exactly why he came, and it wasn’t for the TV set.

 

He kisses my head as he whispers things like “I really missed you” into my hair, going down my face and ending at my neck. I close my eyes as his lips travel over me, thinking that as good as this used to feel when he did it something was missing. I try to block out the reason for why it doesn’t feel right as I move my lips to his. His hand goes under my shirt and skirts around my sides, pushing it up to reveal warm skin.

 

He pants out my name and pulls off my shirt. His lips travel down my body and I tense up, wishing it would just be over. I try to convince myself that if I can go through with it this one time, the next will be easier and so on. I feel my stomach turn and the contents of the food I just ate rising up in my throat. But then he has to do the most stupid thing possible.

 

“I love you.”

 

If I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any at all. I push him off me hard and Jake tumbles off the sofa, looking up at me confused, “What’s the matter?”

 

I have lost my train of thought as I search for his tee shirt that come off during our tryst. I finally find it wedged underneath my body and throw it at him.

 

“Beth, what is the matter?” he asks concerned.

 

I run my fingers through my hair, “I just need some space.”

 

I search for my shirt and Jake stands up, taking my arms and forcing me to face him, causing my search to end, “Just tell me what’s wrong. Please Beth,” he mutters.

 

He pushes our bodies together, “I love you baby.”

 

Baby. The only time a guy calls you baby is either when you’re dating and it’s a term of endearment or when they want something. In this case it’s the latter. I shake my head as a severe pounding sound rings through my skull, “Stop saying that. You need to leave right now.”  

 

My front door opens and I realize it wasn’t me, it was knocking. I freeze along with Jake as Justin comes in. He looks at us and stops mid step, just staring at us. Jake breaks out of his trance and quickly pulls on his shirt, kissing me quickly as he mutters he’ll call me and races past Justin.

 

I just stare at him as he holds my jacket in his hand that I must have left at his house. His heart looks like it’s breaking and he drops the coat on the floor before turning to leave. I run after him and grab him by the arm, “Justin stop.”

 

He jerks back like I burned him, “Get the fuck off me.”

 

I’m so angry I can’t even think strait. I smack him, though I’m not really strong enough to cause any real damage, “I hate you!”

 

Justin whirls around, “You hate me? You are just about to sleep with another guy and you hate me?”

 

“It’s all your fault. This is all your fault,” I say, trying to hold it all together but failing miserably.

 

“It’s my fault you have sex with anything that moves?” he asks angrily.

 

“If you hadn’t done what you did I wouldn’t have been doing this. If you had said anything to me, come seen me when I left, even called, but you know what? That was way too hard for you.”

 

Justin takes my arm and moves me away from the doorway, “I am sorry for what I did. Had I thought you wanted me to do any of that I would have done it. How in the world does that excuse you and Jake?”

 

“Because I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have sex with anyone ever again after you! You ruined everything. I’ll never be the same again and it’s your fault,” I yell at him.

 

“Well it looks like you were doing fine on the sex level,” he spits back at me.

 

“I thought I was going to vomit. You totally screwed me over, you should be proud of yourself.”

 

Justin and I stare at each other hard, neither wanting to relent. I pull away from him and grab my jacket off the floor, covering myself with it, “Just get out.”

 

“You’re welcome,” he mutters.

 

“Go.”

 

Justin reaches for the handle of the door before turning back around, “How could you do that to me?”

 

I curl up into the chair and wrap a blanket around my shoulders, “I didn’t do anything to you, we just went over this.”

 

“How could you sleep with him?”

 

I turn to a different channel on the TV, “Because I want to get over you.”

 

Justin storms over and manual shuts off the TV, “You don’t need to get over me.”

 

“Yes I do.”

 

“Do you believe in soul mates?”

 

I roll my eyes, “Oh please Justin.”

 

“Do you?” he repeats.

 

“No.”

 

Justin looks at me, “That’s too bad.”

 

“That’s life.”

 

Justin licks his lips subtly before grabbing my arm and kissing my mouth. I pull away but his hold on my is too tight to get away. Before long I completely lose all thoughts of how screwed up this whole situation is and let him carry me into the bedroom, crying on his shoulder through his kisses. I’m not really into having sex which I sense he understands even as he strips me off my clothes and his. His head hits my chest and he sighs, intertwining our fingers after wiping away my tears.

 

This is so not what I want. I don’t want to get involved with him again and yet here I lie naked with the one guy I swore I would never get close to again, let alone be here in this position.

 

“You know this doesn’t change anything,” I whisper.

 

Justin places his face in between my breasts and kiss the skin, “No, it changes everything.”

I stir awake as the sunlight hits my face. I put my face down into the pillow but I’m a very light sleeper and there is no way I’m getting back to sleep after been woken up. I tiredly open my eyes and feel the weight of Justin’s arm slung across my waist casually. I turn to look at him as he sleeps lazily, curled up against my still body. I move away from his slowly as I realize just how naked I am, pulling a blanket off the bed and wrapping myself in it. I lean up against my dresser and put my hand to my forehead, wondering just what the hell we’re supposed to do now. Where do we take it from here?

 

Justin stirs slightly and I jump in fear that he’ll wake up and I’ll be forced into a conversation that I don’t want to partake in. I shuffle off to the bathroom and I can smell him on me. I turn on the shower and turn it hotter than I normally like it, immediately rubbing some body wash in between my hands and lathering it all over my body. I step under the running water as the suds run off my body in a vain attempt to wipe him away from me. I know I may be able to get rid of his scent, but I’ll never be able to get rid of the feeling of him in me.

 

Arms wrap around my torso and I feel him press his body up against my back. His lips find my shoulder and start working their way up and his hands work their way down. I struggle against him for a moment as his mouth tries to get me to slip into that comatose like state that I used to when we were together. The one that lets you see and feel only that one person. And I’m not going to do that anymore.

 

“Stop,” I finally say, pushing his hands away from my body as I cover my breasts with my arms, leaning against the opposite wall across from him. He is clearly annoyed and frustrated with my refusal to pretend like things are fine. His friend down there seems even more disappointed as Justin turns the shower to cold water. I roll my eyes and grab a towel, heading for the bedroom.

 

I search through my dresser drawers in a panic as I hear the water shut off in search of some clothes but I have yet to drag my lazy but down to the local Laundromat since I moved in which means I have nothing clean to wear which means I have to spend at least ten minutes going through my hamper to see what I haven’t managed to stain. I’m notorious for getting anything red on my clothes. Tomato sauce, ketchup, fruit punch, stew and anything else that comes baring that color. Justin used to think it was cute, stuffing a napkin in the top of my shirt. Not that it helped, he just liked to annoy me.  

 

I spill my hamper over and start throwing clothes in a million different directions until I feel someone behind me. I stop my frantic pace for a minute as my heart picks up where my hands left off, beating out of my chest. I feel him kneel down behind me and run his hands down my arms, “Beth, don’t push me away.”

 

Push him? I feel like killing him for not being there for me, not understanding that I needed him, needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay. He takes the towel that I had wrapped around me and lets it sink to the floor, turning me around to kiss him. I let him kiss me but I add nothing to the embrace. His arms wrap around my waist and hold me against his body. I don’t move or speak as he moves me to the bed. He presses himself against me as I lay on the bed talking nonsense about how much he loves me and that he’s so happy that we are working on us. Ha.

 

He removes his towel and kisses my body. My only thought is to go to the nightstand and chuck a condom at him. He freezes as I do so and looks at me to see my expression. I played poker before however and there is now way in hell I’m going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what I’m thinking. He watches me closely while he slips the horrid glove over him and goes between my legs.  

 

I shut my eyes as he enters me and I realize that by doing so, I can block him out. In fact, I block out just about everything. Kind of like floating over your body watching yourself. I should have let him do this as soon as I came back to work. There is no talking or ignoring the elephant in the room, no awkward silences. I really thought this would be painful to ever do again, but in reality it’s numbing. This way Justin can think whatever he wants and I can know it means nothing.

 

He hits a spot that causes my body to spasm and I keep my eyes closed. He must reach his climax because he’s panting on my chest. I push him off my chest and he jumps a little at the move. I can feel his eyes staring at me but I’m too close to drifting off to sleep to care.

 

“So, you want to just hang out here for the day?” he asks.

 

“I don’t care,” I respond, rolling over and finally going back to sleep.

________________________________________________________________________

 

We spent the day at Beth’s and then eventually made it back to my house. So for all of you who are wondering what the hell is going on, the answer is I have absolutely no idea. I’m not stupid though, and the whole sex thing was just a way to block me out even further. I have never known a girl to be able to use sex in that way but she managed. I was trying to connect with her and what happens? She goes and shuts down on me.

 

She barely says more than two words to me period and it really has me worried. Right now she’s puttering around the kitchen just to be able to avoid sitting down on the porch with me. She’s about as closed off as I’ve ever seen her. I ordered pizza hoping that a little pizza and alcohol might lead to a conversation but she has yet to join me.

 

I wait a few minutes to she if she’s close to finishing up whatever ridiculous task she has found to keep her occupied until finally I get tired and call for her, “Beth?”

 

“What?” she asks.

 

“Are you going to come sit down and have a slice of pizza?”

 

My question hangs in the air unanswered for a few moments before she calls back, “I’m not that hungry.”

 

I pause for a minute before getting up and making my way through the house until I spot her holding a cup of tea in her hand and gazing out the window. I cock my head to the side before interrupting her daydreaming, “Why aren’t you hungry?”

 

Beth jumps as my voice startles her and a little tea spills over onto her hand, “Shit,” she mutters.

 

I grab a napkin and wipe of her hand, “Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine,” she mutters as she backs up, putting space between us.

 

“Can we talk?” I ask in exasperation.

 

Beth sighs, “Wouldn’t you just rather have sex?” she asks, running her finger up my arm.

 

It’s my turn to pull away, “Stop.”

 

“What?” she asks confused.

 

“I know what you’re doing. I don’t want to have sex I want to talk.”

 

“Well I don’t,” she responds aggressively.

 

The hurt is evident in her voice and I put my arm out to her. She’s starting to fall apart and I want to catch her before she falls to far away from her to catch her. I move towards her until she’s backed into the wall with nowhere to go. 

 

“Why don’t you just leave me alone? I have nothing left to give,” she whispers.

 

I shake my head at her, “I just want you. Why can’t you see that?”

 

“Because I need something else… someone different than you. I feel more lost when I’m with you then I have ever felt. It’s like I’m stuck in some world where time stands still and reality doesn’t apply to you.”

 

I put my hands on either side of her body, “I know what you have gone through is more traumatic than I can even begin to understand, but I am here for you. I want you here with me. I’m so sorry for the way things turned out when you and I miscarried but we can carry on. We know we’re strong together and that we can each stand alone. Can’t we just give it one more try?”

 

“I don’t know if I can. I’m not sure I’m that strong to take this relationship on again.”

 

“Than lean on me.”

 

For the first time in I don’t know how long she looks me in the eye, “Let’s just take it slow.”

 

Victory is in sight, “I swear Beth, we’ll move as slow as you want to. Let’s just talk everything out alright? Keeping everything bottled up is just bound to blow up in our faces. Let’s talk like we used to, and I mean really talk.”

 

Beth nods, “Alright.”

 

I put my hand slowly around her neck and lead her into the enclosed porch. She actually sits down next to me and leans against the back of the sofa.

 

I decide to begin the conversation, “What do you need from this relationship?”

 

Beth pushes her hair from her face, “I need you to listen to me, be there when I need you to without having to ask. I’m not saying you have to be a mind reader or anything but when big things come up like what did, I really wanted you to stand by me.”

 

“Okay, I can do that,” I assure her.

 

“And I need to work. This whole thing of just being your girlfriend does not work for me. I need to do my job and feel I have done it well.”

 

I feel a noose being placed around my neck, “I’ll work on it.”

 

“But most of all I want to know that if this situation ever came up again, not that it would, but if it did you would stand up and say, “We’ll do this together.”

 

“Beth, I would change everything about what I did. And I also think that maybe, somewhere down the road we could have a baby.”

 

Beth’s eyes cloud over, “We, as in you and me?”

 

“Obviously not right away, but I want you to know that if I ever did want to have a baby, I wouldn’t want anyone else to be its mother.”

 

“I don’t know if I ever want to be a mother,” she warns.

 

I feel the corners of my mouth go up, “Hon, just because something bad happens doesn’t mean you don’t try again. When Sarah died, you carried on just like you will continue to do. You will make a wonderful mother someday.”

 

Beth’s head slides over a little at a time until her head hits my shoulder. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until she does something like that. Little moments like these.

 

“Oh and by the way, if you ever have sex with me like you did this morning, I will throw you in the pool,” I warn her.

 

“Okay, I can do that,” she mimics.

 

“I love you.”

 

Beth smiles in what seems like a century, “I love you too.”

 

“If you ever leave me again I’ll stalk you.”

 

“Don’t give me a reason to.”

 

“I promise never again.”

 

Beth picks up a slice of pizza and takes a bite, licking her lips from the sauce and takes a sip of beer, “You were right though.”

 

“About what?”

 

“It did change everything. You were quite the knight in shinning armor the other night.”

 

“I may be a little slow, but I will always come through for you.”

 

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

 

“That’s okay,” I whisper.

 

So things have been going really well with Beth since she moved back in last week. We are taking the whole thing slowly, really focusing on making it work with one another. It’s also the first time where we have absolutely nothing else to do but be together. On tour, you’re here there and everywhere trying to get everything you have to do done and trying to keep a relationship going through that is tough. Living together lets us just be us and live normally together, if you can call that media herd at the end of my driveway normal.

 

We have our moments though that I never really appreciated before because we never really had the time. Beth was lying on the bed with me, clad in one of my tee shirts playing with the dog while I laid next to her and wrote some lyrics. I was going for a sip of beer when I froze, realizing the simplicity of the whole situation. Yeah, life is going pretty well.

 

A bagel pops after being toasted in the toaster and I put it on a plate, adding cream cheese and putting it on the table. Two glasses of Orange juice sit on the table and Beth yawns as she raises her arms above her head, stretching them up towards the ceiling before sitting down in the chair. I pass her the bagel and she smiles appreciatively, “Thanks.”

 

I smile, glad I remembered how she took her bagel. I don’t care how minuscule that something like that is, the point remains I remembered. This coming from the guy who could never remember her name.

 

Beth ours herself some coffee, since orange juice can only go so far for that girl, and feeds Bella who is sitting at her feet a piece of bacon from her plate, “So I was curious if you wanted to take a drive today.”

 

I look up from the overly happy dog that has formed an immediate bond with Beth just for the simple fact that she feeds her table scraps, “Where did you have in mind?”

 

Beth smiles and clears her throat, “New Jersey?”

 

I groan a little, “Don’t you think you’re mother hates me enough? The next time she sees me she just might pull a knife on me.”

 

Beth chuckles, “Naw, she’s more a loaded weapon kind of woman. I wasn’t thinking my mom’s though.”

 

“What were you thinking?”

 

“I’ll tell you when we get there,” she responds cheekily.

 

“Fine, be like that,” I pout.

 

She just shakes her head at me and rubs the back of the dog’s head. I could so get used to this, her across the table from me every morning, being the last girl I see when I close my eyes. It’s really the first time I have felt that way, being okay with a commitment like that. It’s a nice feeling.

 

I take a bite of my omelet, “Do you know where we’re going?”

 

Beth nods again and I wrack my brain as to what the other reason she might have for wanting to be in New Jersey, “Is it Sam?”

 

“No. You won’t guess it Einstein so just drop it.”

 

I glare at her for a moment, “I am Einstein thank you very much.”

 

“Yeah, from the guy who couldn’t figure out how to work the microwave,” she retorts.

 

“I figured it out.”

 

Beth starts to laugh so hard a small snort comes from her nose, “Oh yeah, that was right after you put aluminum foil on top of that Chinese you were warming up and almost blew the thing up.”

 

I try to keep from laughing since it hits at my masculine ego of handling the machinery in the house but her laughter is infectious, “Who knew that would happen?”

 

Even the dog seems to be mocking me, “Just about every other human being on this earth.”

 

I roll my eyes as she laughs harder before I finally stand up throwing her over my shoulder as she squeals and carry her to the shower.

________________________________________________________________________

 

We piled into the car and I drove as Beth gave me directions to her mystery place. It’s nice just to be driving with her, though she is overly controlling about the radio. I swear every time the station went to commercial she would automatically switch to another station so that there would be constant music. It’s like a spasm for her. I wait for her to do it again and sure enough, three seconds later she’s playing with the knob again.

 

“You are going to break that thing off.”

 

Beth smiles a little, “I hate when they talk.”

 

“I’m going to buy you satellite radio because this is ridiculous.”

 

Beth crosses her legs, “Oh please, I don’t want you to buy me anything.”

 

I put my hand in her hair, “I want to take care of you.”

 

“The kind of care I need doesn’t include your bank account.”

 

“I just meant I will do whatever I have to do keep you in the lifestyle I feel you should be accustomed to.”

 

“I just need you to be supportive and there for me. That is the lifestyle I am accustomed to.”

 

I smile, “I can do that.”

 

Beth motions to a building on the left, “Stop there for a minute.”

 

I pull over into the parking lot and put the car into park, “A florist? That’s you’re surprise?”

 

Beth ignores me as she grabs her purse from underneath her feet and unbuckles her seatbelt, “I’ll be right back. Just stay here.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

 

“No, it’s okay. I’ll be out in a minute.”

 

Beth runs inside and I sit here to ponder what the hell we are doing. After about a minute she gets back in the car with soft pink roses.

 

I notice her expression is a little dazed so I crack a joke, “Are we getting married?”

 

“Yeah, and then we are going to jump off a cliff onto jagged rocks for fun.”

 

I lean over and kiss her head, “So you want to tell me what were doing with the roses?”

 

Beth looks at me playfully and shakes her head no. I decide to stop bothering her since it is clear to me she isn’t going to be telling me anything. I pull out and we drive a little father. We are off the highway and going through a little town. I admire the small town feel to it and watch out the window a little.

 

“Take the turn here,” Beth says, pointing to the side road.

 

Then I realize where she was taking me. I park the car and get out of the car, looking around the area. I watch as Beth closes her door and comes over to me. I slide my hand in hers, “Lead the way.”

 

Beth nods and we walk a little ways until she finds what she’s looking for and sinks to her knees, “Here she is.”

 

I look at the headstone as the inscription reads, “Here lies the body of Sarah Anne Addison, beloved sister and daughter.”

 

I bend down and make myself comfortable next to her as she adjusts the flowers at her grave. Beth pulls out a photo I haven’t seen before and hands it to me, “That was taken a few months before she died. Today is the day she died.”

 

I look over the photo at a girl who smiles back at you, eyes exactly like Beth’s. Blue as the sky. Her overly pushed smile and blonde hair is obviously for the camera but her eyes don’t lie. I hand it back to Beth, “She looked really happy.”

 

Beth smiles a little sadly, “I think she was. I really missed her when she left but all I wanted was for her to be happy.”

 

“You can see the family resemblance,” I remark.

 

“I wish my dad had felt the same way.”

 

“Well he is blind,” I retort.

 

She leans into me and relaxes, “I wish you could have met her. You would have liked her.”

 

“I’m sure I would have.”

 

We sit in silence for a little before I decide this is a good moment for her to hear my surprise, “Hey, I had an idea about what we could do about the whole job thing.”

 

“Oh yeah?” she asks, looking up at me.

 

I nod, “I just can’t handle my girlfriend picking up after me or getting me coffee so I thought about it and I was wondering if you wanted to run my charity. I’m starting one for people with drug and alcohol addictions looking to quit. I’m going to have a rehab center and everything. Not the kind celebrities check into that have Egyptian sheets and that crap but a haven for people who really want to get back on their feet.”

 

Beth eyes start to water and wraps her arms around my neck. That is generally a sign I have done something right, “So is that a yes?”

 

Beth pulls back so she can look at me, “Yes, yes that would be perfect.”

 

“You can arrange the building and the charity events to raise money. Stuff like that. This way you can spend time with me on the road and then occasionally have to set up events.”

 

“That sounds so…. amazing. Thank you,” she says earnestly.

 

“I’m just glad you like it. This way you get what you want and I get you most of the time.”

 

“Because that’s what this is really about,” she kids.

 

“You have to have your priorities strait. Sex happens to be my number one, followed closely my food.”

 

She cracks up a little as she brushes a few stray tears away. I kiss her head softly, breathing in her scent. She sits in between my legs and we just talk about everything like we used to. Happy days are here to stay.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I clean up the sink and wash the dishes we used for dinner. I can’t believe he is starting a rehab center and better yet, I get to help run it which lets me work and have a relationship with him at the same time. I hum to myself softly as Justin comes up behind me, kissing my neck, “I’m just going to go grab us a carton of ice cream.”

 

“Okay, I’ll just finish up here,” I respond, wiping the pan dry.

 

He gives my butt a pat on his way out the door. I put some moisturizing cream on my hands after I turn off the faucet. I look around the room to make sure I didn’t miss anything and make my way into the living room, changing the channel to the guide in hopes that something interesting might be on. The doorbell goes off and I groan as the dog who was silently laying at my feet just moments ago is now barking like crazy at the door. I press mute on the clicker and look out the peep hole to see who it is. Fuck.

 

I swing the door open abruptly catching him off guard, “What do you want?”

 

Trace swallows before answering, “Is this how you greet all your guests or am I just special?”

 

I stand in the way of him entering the house, barring him from looking inside, “I’ll give you one guess.”

 

He rubs the back of his neck and looks like a deer caught in headlights, “Is Justin here?”

 

“No,” I say simply.

 

“Will he be home soon?” he asks carefully.

 

The nerve of him, “I don’t know.”

 

Trace nods and backs down the stairs, “Could you just tell him that I stopped by and that’s I’m sorry for everything?”

 

I resist the urge to say no but it’s not my life, “Sure.”

 

He turns around to leave as he goes down the path but he stops short and spins around, “I’m really sorry for your loss.”

 

I look up to him, “Loss?”

 

“The baby. It was on the news the other day.”

 

Fabulous. The whole world now knows, “Thanks.”

“Your welcome,” he responds, getting into his car and I watch him drive away. Why do dramatic things always happen to me just as things are starting to come together for me?

I sit uncomfortably as Justin paces up and down the hall talking to Trace. I tried to listen to his conversation but I could only hear bits and pieces, essentially making me even more nervous than I already am. I can tell only one thing about this phone call, there is no yelling. I’m not sure whether that is a good thing or not but I do know that if it was me, I would have never picked up that phone. I’m not about to tell him who he can or cannot see, but how about my feelings? Or his life?

 

After I told him last night that Trace stopped by he has said nothing about it. Not one damn thing. He has been making phone calls all morning to a series of people who might know who spilled the news of the baby, but as soon as his voiced became hushed and he started pacing, I knew who he was talking to.

 

Justin comes back into the bedroom and I pretend that I haven’t been waiting on pins and needles to hear what the hell is going on. I scramble from my position at the doorway to jumping on the bed, grabbing a magazine and pretending to read it as he looks up at me, “Hey.”

 

“Hi,” I say anxiously.  

 

He grabs a beer and sits down next to me, rubbing my thigh as he looks over my shoulder to read the magazine. I wait a minute for him to say something and when he doesn’t, I sigh in frustration and move to face him, “Well?”

 

He gives me a confused face, “Well what?”

 

I try to dodge the question I was going to ask in favor of one I know he would have mentioned had he heard anything, “Do you know who told about the miscarriage?”

 

It’s not like it’s going to make much of a difference. It’d not going to change what has already happened or undo any of the pain I’ve endured but we really don’t need people like that in our life.

 

Justin shakes his head, “Not yet. Don’t worry, they’ll find out and kill the person.”

 

I try to smile and wait for him to continue but he doesn’t, “So anything else exciting?”

 

“No.”

 

I bite my lower lip until it hurts, “Okay I have to know.”

 

“What?” he asks.

 

“What do you mean what? You just got off the phone with Trace.”

 

He frowns at me, “How did you know that?”

 

Ugh, “I may have heard who you were talking to.”

 

“May have?” he says, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

 

“Okay, so I may have been listening to your conversation but only because I am a little worried about you. Is that a crime?” I ask innocently.

 

He grins, “I knew you were listening, I could see your shadow in the hallway.”

 

I throw my hands up in the air in defeat, falling back onto the bed. Justin starts to crack up, kissing my face as he settles onto my chest, “He’s coming over later to talk to me.”

 

“You’re going to trust him again after everything he’s done to you?” I ask.

 

“I’m willing to give him one more try. I know the Trace I used to know is buried underneath all the shit. It’s just a matter of waiting for him to find himself.”

 

I nod, running my hand down his back slowly, “If that’s what you want.”

 

Justin takes my hand, “I want you to be there when I talk to him.”

 

I chuckle from a sheer lack of any other way to express my frustration, “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. I’m not his favorite person on earth.”

 

“If he can’t be nice to you he doesn’t belong in my house,” he states.

 

“Fine.”

 

He kisses the side of my cheek and puts his face in the crook of my neck, my biggest weakness, “Thank you.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

Beth sits at the dinner table picking at the food on her plate. The tension in the room is about as high as it could possibly be as we wait for Trace. The anticipation for a huge fight or forgiveness hangs in the air, killing any sort of appetite we might have had. Suddenly the doorbell rings, causing her to jump slightly. I touch her shoulder as I stand and walk to the door, opening it and greeting Trace, “Hey.”

 

He smiles and nods at me, “Hi.”

 

I move aside and he comes into the house with me, following me into the living room. Beth has already made herself comfortable on the couch and tries her best to smile as Trace comes in, although I know it’s forced. Trace sits across from Beth and I sit beside her, holding her hand in an effort to be supportive and let her know she comes first.

 

“Listen, I just came to apologize to the both of you for everything I did and didn’t do during the tour.”

 

Beth looks wary of him, “What made you change your mind?”

 

Trace looks from me to her, “I just realized that my shit lost my best friend. I refuse to let a powder get between a friendship that has been in existence more than twenty years.”

 

I smile and nod, “We did have a pretty great thing going didn’t we?”

 

Trace nods, “Yeah we did. I want you two to know that I have been clean for the last few months. I’m try to get my act together and clean up my life. And get my best friend back,” he adds quickly.

 

He looks like a lost puppy that is begging for a home and someone to pet him, “You have somewhere to stay?” I ask.

 

Beth stiffens like she’s not happy as to where this conversation is leading. Trace brightens up, “Not yet. I just wanted to stop in and get everything off my chest.”

 

I sigh silently, “Well if you want you can stay in the in-law suite.”

 

Beth bites the inside of her cheek and I pretend not to fear her wrath later. Trace stands up and leans over giving me a half hug, “Thanks so much man.”

 

I nod and put my hand on the side of her cheek but she doesn’t snuggle into it like she normally does, “Come on, I’ll show you the room and grab some blankets for the bed.”

________________________________________________________________________

 

Three seconds of an apology and he has already moved in. I sit on the couch silently, trying to figure out what the hell went wrong when I was sitting in the room. Guys. Ugh.

 

Another knock at the door makes me roll my eyes. Gee I wonder if his whole family is going to show up and move right in with us. I open the door and I immediately let a shriek of joy emit from my throat like I used to when I was younger. I wrap my arms around the figure in the door and hold on tight.  

 

“Okay, okay. Try not to strangle me,” Gia kids.

 

I let go of my choke hold on her and take a step back, basking in her energy, “I missed you.”

 

Gia smiles and gives me another hug, “I missed you too. The good news is that now that you are moving up in the corporate world, I get to take your job which in turn means you’ll never have to miss me again. In fact, you’ll be begging me to leave after a week.”

 

“Pshh, I will not. I can’t believe you’re here. I thought you weren’t supposed to start until sometime next week?”

 

Gia puts her bags on the floor, “I was but Derek had to leave early to learn how to set up certain new elements for the stage show for Christina and it requires a few days of training before you can do it to code. So here I am.”

 

“Good, because I need backup.”

 

“You want me to kick his scrawny ass for you?”

I smile, “No, I have been invaded.”

 

Before I can say anything else, Justin emerges with Trace in tow laughing over something incredibly stupid I’m sure. They stop dead in their tracks when they see Gia and a look if understanding crosses her face.

 

“Gia,” Justin stutters.

 

“Hey loser.”  

 

I smirk as he looks from me to her, “I thought you weren’t coming until next week?”

 

“Long story but the abridged version is that I’m here now.”

 

“Well I just gave your room to Trace for the night.”

 

I interrupt him before he can go any further, “That’s okay, we can spend the night in one of the other bedrooms.”

 

“We?” he asks, becoming annoyed.

 

“Well it is her first night here and we haven’t seen each other in a while so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to catch up, talk about her wedding, stuff like that.”

 

“Couldn’t you guys do that tomorrow?” he asks, trying to throw me a glance of “don’t do this” but I pretend not to notice.

 

“No, were girls. We never get too old for sleepovers,” Gia quips.

 

Justin pleads with me silently before relenting, “Fine, go ahead and pick a bedroom. Have fun, pillow fight in your underwear, practice kissing each other. You do your thing.”

 

I roll my eyes at his annoyed tone, “Come on Gia, I’ll show you the upstairs.”

 

Justin flips the TV on and Trace sits down, not really sure what the hell is going on but looks like he has a sneaking suspicion that it might be because of him. Maybe not all of his brain cells are dead after all.

________________________________________________________________________

 

Gia and I talked for hours upon hours in the bedroom down the hall from the master bedroom until Gia finally passed out. It is not that easy for me unfortunately. I glance at the clock that reads three forty on in the morning. I just can’t seem to sleep without his body pressed up against mine. No breathing rhythm to lull me to sleep and no extra warmth wrapped around me. I finally decide to go get something to drink from the fridge before beginning my quest for some rest once more.

 

I make my way down the stairs, tiptoeing in an effort to let everyone else sleep. I go into the kitchen and am immediately greeted by the sight of Trace sitting down at the table by himself, having a drink himself.   

 

“Hey,” he says when he sees me standing in the doorway.

 

I recover from my surprise quickly, “What are you doing up?”

 

“I couldn’t sleep. Looks like you’re in a similar position.”

 

“Kind of,” I mutter.

 

Trace stands up and goes over to the stove, pouring some milk from a sauce pot on the stove into a mug and adding coco, handing it to me, “It’ll help you sleep.”

 

I take the mug and rub my cold hands against it, warming them, “Thanks.”

 

“Don’t mention it.”

 

He pulls out a chair next to him and beckons me to sit down. I cautiously walk over and take a seat.

 

“You are mad at him over me aren’t you?” he asks bluntly.

 

I take a deep breathe before answering, “Yes.”

 

“He wasn’t doing it to hurt you.”

 

“I know.”

 

Trace licks his lips, “He really loves you.”

 

“I know that too,” I respond.

 

“I’m really sorry for what I said to you in the trailer the last time I saw you. I don’t want you to think that I hate you or would try to come between you two.”

 

“If you don’t hate me why did you say it?”

 

Trace smiles, “Why did Lynn treat you the way she did? Why did Cameron hate you so much? We all wanted to be number one in his life and you won without even so much as spending more than a few months with him. We were all angry. Now we have come to realize that we weren’t always going to be his number one. Well, all except for Cameron. I’m pretty sure she’s still fuming.”

 

“I guess we can’t all get our way,” I murmur.

 

“That’s life.”

 

“Life screws us all at one time or another.”

 

Trace nods. “Yeah it does. Just don’t be mad at Justin. He loves you so much that when you said you weren’t shacking up with him tonight he spent the whole night going on and on about every smile or dimple he loved, the way your hair constantly falls in your face and the way you look in his clothes. I thought I was going to be sick,” he jokes.  

 

I smile a little, “I suppose it would.”

 

“Look, the bottom line is that I want us all to be friends. If Justin loves you that much I know we could get along.”

 

“You will just have to wait until I can trust you in order for us all to be comfortable around each other.”

 

Trace nods, “I understand that. I can wait.”

 

I push my chair back to stand up, picking up my hot chocolate, “Thanks for the drink.”

 

“Night,” he responds, putting the carton of milk away and leaving the kitchen.

 

I make my way back up the stairs and open the door silently, climbing into bed and wrapping my arms around Justin before finally falling asleep.

 

Between Gia and Trace both staying with us I swear I never get alone time with Beth. Not one moment is ours. Now that we are in New York things are hectic enough and then there is the whole thing with Trace that took Beth days to forgive me for, though she did end up in our bed before the night was over. I do love her more than life though. If I thought that for one minute that letting Trace stay with us would have caused her to feel the need to leave, I would have never let him stay. It is only because after talking to Trace that I knew he was sorry and if I could get my friend back and keep my girl, I would have it made.

Gia is busy talking to Beth as I come in the living room, “And so I planned on having purple bridesmaid dresses.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Beth comments.

I roll my eyes, “That sounds fascinating. Gia, don’t you have something to do like that list of things I need done today?”

Gia turns around in her chair, “I’m getting around to it. I already made some of the calls to confirm your shit.”

Trace walks through the door and takes a piece of bacon off Gia’s plate, taking a bite of it, “What’s on the agenda today?”

“Not eating my breakfast shrimp,” Gia quips, whacking his hand and trying to get the piece back.

“I’m not a shrimp slut.”

“I am not the one who slept around pimp.”

“Yeah, you’re just the one who is whining over some stupid wedding.”

“Oh yeah, I can’t believe that I agreed to spend the rest of my life with a guy who is mature enough to want to commit to me forever.”

Trace shakes his head, “I know, who would want to marry someone who never shuts up.”

“You want to take this outside shorty?” Gia says, folding her arms over her chest.

“Let’s go,” Trace counters.

“Time out!” I say, stepping between the two. Beth looks comically at me as though I walked right into this problem.

Gia huffs and sits down, “You’re too scrappy to really make it worth while to kick your ass anyway.”

“You’re just afraid I could have taken you,” Trace retorts.

I think I’m watching Bevis and Butthead, “Okay children, listen up. Gia, I need you to help Johnny find a concept for the last video I’m shooting and Trace I need you to go to the store and pick up some chicken for dinner before you leave and pick up that girl you are seeing.”

“Fine.”

“Um, I don’t have a car. I took a taxi,” Trace points out.

“That’s fine, you can ride with Gia.”

“What?” they ask in unison.

“Just do it!” I answer exasperated.

They both sigh and whack into each other as they both try to get through the threshold at the same time. They slam the door behind themselves and you can still here them arguing as they get in the car.

“And I thought you and I were bad when I first came aboard.”

“So you’re saying they are eventually going to fall in love, shack up and spend the rest of their life together?”

“Mmm, no,” she says laughing.

I grab her hand and start moving towards the stairs, “Let’s go.”

“Go where?”

“Upstairs I thought they would never leave. I have a hard on the size of Texas.”

Beth rolls her eyes, “You have got to be kidding.”

“If I was kidding do you think I would be tugging on your arm as hard as I am?”

“You are so horny.”

“That’s why you’re with me.”

“Not exactly. It’s more like a lack of anyone else to ride,” she says.

I stop moving and lick my lips for a minute before lifting her over my shoulders whining the whole way up the stairs.

________________________________________________________________________

 

I roll over in bed tiredly and reach for the phone in an order to shut it up, “Hello?”

“Miss Addison?”

I fall back onto the bed and look over to my right, running my hand up and down his arm gently as Justin sleeps. I don’t think there is a more beautiful person on this earth than him right now, “Yes.”

“We found out the source for the story that was broken about you.”

I freeze as they tell me the name and wrap the covers around my body. I hang up the phone, scribble a note and leave it on the side table nest to him. If I wake him up he’ll not only be furious but he’ll insist in coming with me, which is something I don’t need right now. I need to confront my demons on my own.

I put on my clothes and slide out the front door, being careful to close and lock it before getting into the car and hitting the highway. I ponder what I’m going to say when I get there. How you broach a subject like this. They certainly don’t make Hallmark cards for apologies like the one I deserve. But then the thought crosses my mind that I may not even get one. This may be the blow up that has been building for as long as I can remember.

A tear slips down my cheek and I suddenly realize before a conversation has even begun that it’s already over. This is the closure to a tumultuous relationship that was never what it should have been. It’s a collective ending to my life as I knew it.

I take my exit and pull into the area marked off for parking. I hold myself as the wind whips through my every piece of clothing I have on and chills me to the bone. I walk a minute to the construction area and I go up to the overseeing manager standing off to the side, watching production, “Can I help you miss?”

“I was looking for Carl Addison?”

“Just a minute.”

The man goes around the other side of the building being put up and returns a few moments later with my father. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees me and the look on my face but recovers enough to take my arm as he gets close enough to touch me and lead me off to the side, “What are you doing here?”

I pull away from his grasp, “I know it was you.”

“Know what was me?” he says, playing dumb.

“I know it was you who told the press I was pregnant. What the hell were you thinking?”

Dad sighs after he realizes there is no way he can deny anything, “Look it was nothing personal alright?”

“How could this not be personal? You told the world that I miscarried a celebrities’ baby. Where do you get off selling my life to the press?” I ask angrily.

He shrugs, “Things have been tight since your sister died. I needed to make my rent last month and some layoffs were being made so I talked to some reporter. What did you want me to do? Sleep on some park bench?”

I take a step back, “I expected you to be my father. Care just as much about me as Sarah. But it was only coming over here that I realize you never really loved her, she was your meal ticket to everything you thought you deserved and could never have.”

“Why don’t you just go back to wherever you came from alright? What’s done is done Beth,” he says angrily.

I shake my head, “We are over dad.”

He looks back at me as he walks away, “When did we ever start?”

I turn around, “Oh and by the way, it’s Bethany.”

I bite my lip hard so he doesn’t see me cry. I refuse to give him that luxury. I look down at my phone which has begun to vibrate for what seems like the hundredth time and see Justin’s number appear on the screen. I’ll call him as soon as I’m a little more composed. I open the door to my car and get in slowly, wiping my face and starting up the engine. I sit in the parking lot before deciding where I need to be right now and take a right instead of a left. ________________________________________________________________________

 

I go through the hallways looking at the directions given to me by the principle. I finally reach the room and knock get on the door as teacher comes over and opens it, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah is Sam Addison here?”

Sam jerks his head up from his book he was studying and practically jumps out of his seat, “Belle?”

“I need to take him out of school for the day,” I tell his teacher.

Sam can tell I’m upset about something and scurries around his desk, pilling all his books in his backpack before rushing out the door of the classroom with me. We get in my car and only then does he say anything, “Are you alright?”

I nod and lean over, hugging him tightly to my chest, “I missed you.”

“Did someone die?” he questions.

I shake my head no, “I just wanted to see you.”

“Does this have anything to do with the front page of those newspapers?”

I ruffle his hair a little, “I always said you were too old for your own good.”

“So who told?” he asks simply.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Sam looks over at me, “Are you here for me or were you in town for something else?”

I don’t say anything, instead pulling into Friendly’s. Sam mulls over everything in his head before I see a light bulb go off in his head, “It was dad wasn’t it?”

I try to smile, “You always did ask a lot of questions.”

“I’m so sorry Belle.”

“Listen, it was finally an end to whatever we had. In a way I’m grateful to have it over. Now, would you like to go in and have some ice cream or what?”

Sam nods eagerly and wraps his arms around my waist as we walk into the restaurant.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Can’t you drive any faster?” I complain.

 

“He’s already going twenty miles over the speed limit. Any faster and were all going to die before we get there,” Gia yells.

Trace has a death grip on the steering wheel as I sit in the front directing him on where to go. I wanted to drive but both Gia and Trace refused to let me. They finally agree on something and it just happens to screw me over.

“It’s that one,” I say pointing to the driveway.

Trace makes a sharp turn and we skid into the driveway. I don’t even wait until the car has come to a stop to open the car door and rap on their door until someone opens the door.

“Hi!” Sam says surprised as he looks behind me to see Gia and Trace piling out of the car.

“Is Beth here?” I ask quickly.

Sam nods and moves aside. I go in and go through the house quickly until I spot her on the couch dunking Oreos in milk.

“Baby!” I exclaim.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, standing up to greet me.

“You just took off without telling me.”

“I left you a note,” she begins and looks confused when she sees everyone walk through the door.

“And don’t you think I might have wanted to come along with you to see the bastard who I now need to kill?” he says, lowering his voice to avoid being overheard by Sam.

“I know you would have wanted to but I needed to do this on my own.”

“But why?” I ask.

 

________________________________________________________________________

 

I struggle not to cry as I look at his big blue eyes, “Because it was my dad who told.”

He wraps his arms around me in understanding so quickly I’m caught off guard, “I’m so sorry baby.”

“It’s okay. Were over now and it feels good to be free.”

He touches our foreheads together, “Don’t do that again. If you take off for another state you had better have me in tow.”

I smile and put my hands on either side of his cheeks, “I love you.”

He leans and kisses me softly and I try to focus on him but Gia’s and Trace’s arguing over how close he parked their car to mine causes me to crack up. Justin chuckles as I lean into his body to watch Sam sitting on the couch eagerly watching the two of them go at it.

“Did not.”

“You did too. God you are like a blind bat. How could anyone think that was a decent parking job?”

“I am not a blind bat.”

“Yes you are.”

The front door opens and my mom walks in. Shit. She looks around the room and Gia’s tiff with Trace is put on hold as Mom surveys why these people are in her house. Then her eyes land on me, “Bethany? What are you doing here?”

“It’s a very long story,” I begin.

“And Justin’s here,” she says, her tone dropping an octave.

“Maybe I can explain everything,” Justin says.

Mom folds her arms over her chest, “Someone had better.”

Justin starts to talk a mile a minute, “Well Beth left for here when she learned who told the papers about… our situation and she didn’t tell me she was going, which caused me to call Trace and Gia and they had to come home with the car. Then Trace pulled out a map to get us here and drove us to help Beth and I guess that’s it.”

I turn to Trace, “You were the one that got the map?”

Trace stares at his feet, “I made some calls to find out your address and mapquested our way here.”

I move over to him and wrap my arms around his neck to his surprise. Gia coos a little as Trace returns the hug. My mom looks over at Justin, “You drove out to get her?”

Justin nods and I can see mom lower her guard, “Okay, well it’s really too late for you guys to be driving back so why don’t we pull out the couch and some blow up mattress for you guys to sleep on. Beth you can sleep in your old room.”

Sam pulls the couch and mom returns with some sheets to put on the needed sleeping area. Within a matter of minutes there are several mattresses on the floor and blankets to accompany them. Trace is busy starting a fire as Gia directs him how to really start one, bickering the whole damn time and Justin is busy with Sam as he teaches him a magic trick.

Mom comes over to me, “It was your father wasn’t it?”

I nod and she hugs me, “I am sorry sweetheart.”

“It’s okay mom. Everything is okay.”

Mom smiles as she looks me over, “You look really good.”

“I feel really good.”

“So he did really come to get you?”

I look over at Justin playing with Sam, “Yeah he did.”

Mom nods and Sam comes over pulling in my hand over to Justin, “You have got to see what Justin taught me.”

I sit on the couch as he makes a quarter disappear. I smile as he shows me how to perform the trick as well. After a few minutes mom comes over and takes Sam’s hand, “We have to go to bed, I’ll see you guys in the morning. Beth will show you were the cereal is if you get hungry.”

I watch the two of them climb the stairs and wait until I hear the bedroom doors shut to climb onto the couch with Justin, “Thanks for coming to rescue me, even if I didn’t need it.”

“You’re welcome. Now don’t you think you should be getting to bed?”

I turn over to look at him teasingly, “Why? You afraid of my mom?”

I move my lips to his neck giggling quietly as he chokes out his response, “No, I just want her to like me and she didn’t exactly offer us a room together.”

“I didn’t sign on for a porno starring by best friend as his girl,” Trace calls out which provokes Gia to throw something at him, “Shut up!”

I look up at Justin and return to our original subject, “Don’t worry about it. Just go to sleep.”

“Yeah, and tomorrow, I’m driving,” Gia says, smacking Trace a pillow in the face in her way of “giving” it to him.

“I drove just fine thank you very much,” he complains, grabbing the pillow and laying down on it.

“Maybe if we were drag racing.”

“Night guys,” Justin says loudly, flipping the light off.

If someone had told me a year ago this would be my life, I never would have believed them. But I’m glad I’m here.

I wake up earlier than everyone else since as adorable as Beth is sleeping on me, the couch is really only meant for one person and a small one at that. I carefully edge out from underneath her, making sure she stays asleep and go into the kitchen to look for something to eat. I open a few cabinets and am rewarded when I see a box of honey nut cheerios. I remove the box and find a bowl, pouring myself some after finding a spoon.

 

“There is whole and skim milk in the fridge.”

 

I whirl around to see Nora standing behind me, “Thanks,” I mutter.

 

I open the door to the fridge and think really hard as to what the hell I’m going to say to her. Beth is on the couch and it’s apparent she slept with me, I’m under her roof which means I should have followed the rules and making her like me seems like a dimming reality.  I retrieve the whole milk and shut the door, holding the milk up in a thanks, “Got it.”

 

Nora nods and looks over into the family room, “She slept there all night?”

 

I stare at the milk threatening to overflow the bowl if I don’t stop pouring it soon, “Beth?”

 

Nora looks back at me and gives me a look of “don’t play innocent.” I put the spoon in the cereal and sit down next to her, “Yes. I told her to go to bed but she wouldn’t.”

 

“My daughter was never one to listen. She was my rebellious one, even more so than Sarah. Sarah was outwardly rebellious, Bethany is inwardly rebellious. She’s thinking something completely different than what she is telling you.”

 

“I wasn’t trying to disrespect you by her sleeping with me on the couch.”

 

Nora waves her hand as if to push the thought away, “If I had thought she wanted to sleep with you I would have told you guys to use her bed. It’s not like I don’t know you two are sleeping together, she was pregnant. I just assumed she would want her space.”

 

I frown, “Why? We are dating.”

 

“Her last boyfriend she dated for two years and wouldn’t have slept in the same bed with him when they came here for any amount of money.”

 

I stop eating and put the spoon down, “Really?”

 

Nora reaches for her neck and slides a locket along the chain it is connected to, “I think she was with him for security, I’m not really sure she ever fully wanted to be intimate with him. She was never the kind of girl to wear her heart on her sleeve. Bethany has always been more guarded than the rest of my children.”

 

“I didn’t push her or anything, she just laid down and fell asleep.”

 

She smiles as though she’s remembering something happy, “No, I know. Trust me, if she didn’t want to sleep with you she wouldn’t be there. Beth has never had trouble saying no. But then again, she’s never been in love either.”

 

“I do love her, despite what you may think.”

 

“I think you have a really big career that at one time I thought would get in the way of Beth’s dream. Now, I’m not so sure. The fact that you drove here from New York just to make sure she was alright rates pretty highly in my book.”

 

I perk up a little at the fact that maybe I haven’t blown this whole thing, “Thanks.”

 

“I like to know that someone out there is watching out for my baby girl.”

 

“I am,” I assure her.

 

“Good,” she says, patting my arm.

 

I smile at her and wash my bowl out in the sink, setting it on the counter. Sam comes skipping down the stairs and gives me a high five, “Hey man,”  

 

“Hey. School calls huh?”

 

Sam rolls his eyes and nods, “Oh yeah.”

 

“You still going to that special school?”

 

“Yeah, it’s cool and all but when Belle is here, I like to spend as much time with her as possible. But I was told this morning that I have to go to school and be torn away from my only sister,” he says loudly to get his message across.

 

Nora hands Sam a rice crispy bar, “Yes, you miss her. You also have a math test today that you cannot skip. You’ll see Beth soon.”

 

Sam hangs his head in defeat as Beth walks into the kitchen, “Morning.”

 

Immediately Sam wraps his arms around her waist, “Mom says I have to go to school.”

 

“You have that test today don’t you?” she asks, peeling a banana.

 

“Do I have no one on my side?” he complains.

 

Beth bends down a little until she’s eye level with Sam, “I swear we’ll see you soon.”

 

“Fine. Promise to call later?”

 

“Promise,” she says, holding him against her.

 

Nora breezes in again and grabs her purse of the kitchen table, “Okay Sam, let’s go.”

 

Sam grabs his backpack and gives me a high five, “See you later dude.”

 

“Bye man,” I respond, watching him try to memorize ever feature of Beth’s before he has to leave. I have never seen a brother who loved his sister more in my life.

 

Beth hugs her mother goodbye as Nora turns to me, “And I’ll see you soon Justin.”

 

“You too Ms. Addison.”

 

Beth stares at us until Nora and Sam have left, “Were you bonding with my mother?”

 

“Maybe, I’m not really sure.”

 

Beth starts to laugh, “You were bonding with my mother. Wow, I didn’t think I would ever see the day.”

 

“Well baby you more than anyone else should know I’m irresistible. You are bond to fall head over heels for me. But don’t worry, I am now officially a one woman man.”

 

Beth sits in my lap, “And how thankful I am for that you moron.”

 

I take part of her banana and pop it in my mouth, “What is with Sam calling you Belle? I originally thought it was because he could never remember your name, somewhat similar to me but I assume there is probably another reason.”

 

Beth gives me this very serious look strait in the eyes, “No, that’s exactly it. You hit the nail on the head.”

 

She starts to crack up as I grab her ass, “Funny, real funny.”

 

Beth takes a sip of some orange juice, “No actual it’s because he was trying to make me feel better after Sarah  got to go do her modeling thing after I couldn’t and told me I looked like the princess from Beauty and the Beast. Ever since he has called me Belle.”

 

“You have a great brother you know that?”

 

“Yeah I do, I’m really lucky. And a great boyfriend.”

 

I rub her back gently as she just relaxes in my arms but our moment is ruined when Gia and Trace come in arguing over who is going to be driving back to New York, “I don’t want you driving.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because you drive way too slow. It’s like riding on a cow to New York.”

 

Gia puts her hands on her hips, “Well I’m not about to kill us like you are.”

 

“You’ll kill us because people ride our tail and force us off the road.”  

 

“You are such an idiot Trace.”

 

“Right back at you babe.”

 

“Gia why don’t you help me clean up the blankets inside,” Justin says, pulling her into the other room to stop the arguing. Trace pulls up a chair and takes an orange from the bowl in the middle of the kitchen table, peeling it and breaking off a piece, handing it to me. I take the piece, enjoying the taste of a fresh orange. I stare at Trace for a moment until he looks back at me.

 

“What? Do I have something in my teeth or something?” he asks, moving his finger to his front teeth.

 

I shake my head no, “Why did you take all that effort to come and help get here?”

 

Trace hands me another piece, “Because I thought something might be wrong.”

 

“I mean at all. Six months ago you never would have done that. You would have prayed something did happen to me.”

 

Trace smiles, “Look, don’t tell Justin this, but I don’t have many friends. I’m short, a little pudgy and Justin and I have been friends for years and we like each other for who we are. Somewhere along the line I forgot all that and got swept up in his world. When I think about what you did for him when I wasn’t there… I’m just happy you are here.”

 

I hand him a paper towel to wipe his hands off from the orange, “Well I’m happy you’re feeling better.”

 

“Me too. I have a far better chance of landing a girl now that I’m with him than when I’m not.”

 

I smack his arm as Justin comes back in the kitchen, “Glad to see you two getting along.”

 

“You better be careful man, you never know when I might want your girl. She’s pretty hot.”

 

“The day she chooses you over me is the day pigs fly,” he responds, looping his arm around my waist.

 

Trace throws the orange peels away, “You never know.”

 

“Alright, everybody in the car. And I’m driving,” Gia says. enunciating every word so that Trace would get the message.

 

“I could walk, that way I could make dinner and clean the house before you guys got back,” Trace says sarcastically, earning him a slap upside his head from Justin.

 

My cell starts to ring and I look at the number before smiling at everyone convincingly, “You guys get in the car, I’ll be out in one minute.”

 

“Good, that way Trace can pack the car,” Gia responds, practically skipping out of the house followed closely by Trace in protest and Justin in glee.

 

“Hello?”

 

“It’s me. Don’t hang up!”

 

I lick my lips and lean against the counter, “Jake, I really need you to not call anymore.”

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you, I just wanted you some space after the whole Justin thing. I read about the miscarriage.”

 

I groan inwardly, “Look, I’m back with Justin and I’m going to ask you not to call otherwise I’ll have to change my number.”

 

“So that’s it? We are over just like that?”

 

“Not just like that. We were over the second Justin came into my life. I have to go now.”

 

“I love you Bethany,” he says in a last effort to appeal to my emotions.

 

“Bye Jake.”

 

And I snapped the phone shut.

________________________________________________________________________

 

We finally made it home and I relaxed on the couch with Beth for hours, just lounging and talking.  I never realized that by confronting her father, it would release Beth. She feels better and she’s just happier in general, like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. I watch Beth put lotion on her hands as she pulls on a night shirt and crawls onto the bed with me.

 

“You are so beautiful,” I tell her, moving a piece of hair from her face to reveal her blue eyes.

 

She smiles and curls up to me, “If I tell you something will you promise not to get mad?”

 

I tense up but try to make light of it, “You’re not leaving me are you?”

 

Beth rolls her eyes, “No. It’s about that phone call I got at my mom’s house.”

 

I realize the only reason for me getting upset would be in a certain ass was on the other line, “Please tell me it wasn’t Jake.”

 

Beth bites her lip, “Down boy.”

 

“I’m not kidding, you tried being friends with him and that led to you almost sleeping with him. Be friends with all the guys who aren’t in love with you in the world, I don’t care. Just not him. Please God not him.”

 

She smirks, “I told him to never call me again.”

 

“Really?” I ask, eyeing her.

 

“Really.”

 

I grin from ear to ear, “Good.”

 

“Which means I have an opening for some intimate affection right about… now,” she says, leaning into my ear and whispering it.

 

“You are my favorite person in the world.”

 Beth flips the light off and sits in my lap, kissing me, “I’m so glad.”

I wake up to find an empty spot on the bed next to me which is strange because I can only remember a handful of times where I have woken up and found Justin gone. I open my eyes fully and notice a piece of paper lying where his body should be. I reach over and grab the piece of paper, opening it-

 

Morning blue eyes,

 

I have a surprise for you later but for right now I had to make a quick errand. Breakfast is on the table and I’ll be home as soon as I can. Love you more than life itself,

 

Justin.

 

I massage my scalp a little before heading for the shower. The hot water runs over me as I try to think of a reason that Justin might be gone but nothing really comes to mind. The fact only annoys me because I hate waking up without him and there isn’t a reason for him to be gone. Christmas is already done since he was whining about a week ago because I couldn’t go with him to go get my gifts. He wanted the surprise but my company at the same time. I told him to get a grip on himself though part of me went to mush when he told me.

 

Now I wait in anticipation as to what the hell Justin might have when he walks through the front door. I let the dog out and play a little with her in the yard, pulling my coat around my body in an effort to get warm. I hate New York in the winter. Too damn cold.

 

After Bella had had her run, I made myself some hot coco and deleted Jake’s number from my directory on my phone. Then I deleted my dad’s. I put Sam, mom, Gia and Justin on speed dial put Trace in my phonebook and officially rid my life of the excess that I had been carrying for what seemed like a lifetime.

 

I pull out some pictures of Justin and I that were taken by Gia and put them in a frame, smiling as I place it next to the one of him and Lynn. The front door opens and I walk over to it to see Justin, “Where have you been?”

 

He just shrugs, “Get your coat.”

 

“What?” I ask confused.

 

“Get your coat, come on.”

 

I frown and reach for my coat as Justin pulls me out the door and into the car. After the whole experience of driving in it with Gia and Trace, I feel as though I have been living in a car. I just watch out window as we drive since I have a pretty good sense of direction in New York.

 

Justin pulls up to this abandoned building and gets out of the car. I hesitantly get out and walk around the car to him as he fumbles with some keys and opens a padlock on the door, “Are you trying to get me kidnapped?”  I ask, looking around to see not one life form.

 

“Absolutely. It’s always been a fantasy of mine to kidnap my girlfriend and have my way with her.”

 

I give him a nudge, “You mind telling me what we are doing here?”

 

Justin just smiles and opens the door, “Ladies first.”

 

I walk inside and the outside was certainly deceiving. The interior has been completely gutted as flooring and lighting fixtures are being put in. I spin around to she individual rooms as far as the eye can see except for a few rooms that are open and about the size of a good size lounge, “What is this place?”

 

“This is our first clinic. The outside should be done soon.”

 

I whirl around to look at him, “Are you serious?”

 

He nods, “It’s not to far from the house and you’ll be doing most of the managing which can be done over the phone when I’m on tour. So, what do you think?”

 

I get a warm feeling in my stomach, “It’s perfect.”

 

“You can share your experiences with drugs and alcohol. You’ll be perfect. We’ll work together on it.”

 

Footsteps cause me to spin around to see both Lynn and my mom, “What are you guys doing here? Together?”

 

Lynn looks to mom, “We decided to try and put our differences aside and be there for you guys. And what mothers wouldn’t be proud of you two when you see what you are doing. I mean look at this place, it’s wonderful.”

 

I go over to my mother and hug her tightly, “Thank you mom.”

 

“I’m happy to do it baby. Happy birthday.”

 

I pull away from her and I put my hand over my mouth in shock, “I totally forgot.”

 

Justin laughs, “How could you forget your own birthday?”

 

I pause for a moment trying to remember today’s date and realize their right, “You remembered?”

 

“Of course I did. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I did?”

 

“You couldn’t remember my name six months ago.”

 

“Oh nice, throw that one in my face. Come on, everyone is waiting back at the house to have cake. If we don’t get there soon your brother was going to eat it on you and Trace and Gia will be throwing at each other,” he says, putting his arm around my neck.

 

I follow Lynn and mom out the door, only pausing once to take one last look at my new start before walking out into the sunlight with Justin.

________________________________________________________________________

  

So that’s my life. Maybe not a fairy tale, in fact far from it, but I have found myself.  And isn’t that the point of living anyway?   

 

The only time the room spins now is when she kisses me. The only high I get is from her perfume when she’s next to me and the only time I’m incoherent is when she’s naked in my bed. And it’s a great feeling having found that one person that makes you whole. Yeah, that’s my Beth. So for all of those people who said we wouldn’t make it this far, they can all kiss my ass because I have it all. And it’s all wrapped up in her.

 

                                                               The End