If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.
If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home    

"Where are you going?"   

"Out." I say simply and glance at his forlorn face in the mirror.     

"When are you coming home?"    

"I don't know Justin." I sigh and roll my eyes before standing up from my dresser and grabbing my keys.    

"Alright well...call if you need anything." He smiles sadly before slowly trailing out of the bedroom.    

Sometimes, he's so damn clingy it's sickening. It's like, I can't leave the house without a round of 20 questions. He can be such a drama queen.    

Honestly, I don't see what his problem is. He has no reason to get so jealous and suspicious when I go out.    

I mean ok...yes, a majority of my friends are men...but it's not like I'm sleeping with them or anything. We go out, have a few drinks, bullshit for awhile and then I come home.     

I'm a firm believer in having a life outside of your relationship, but apparently Justin can't handle that.     

I guess, he just can't handle my lifestyle.     

Being one of the most in-demand performers in the world means that a lot of people want my time. I get pulled in a million different directions everyday and yes..that does take me away from him. I can't help the fact that he's chosen a mundane life, working as a bank teller.     

In the beginning, it wasn't so bad. He seemed to understand, but the longer we were together, the more clingy and possessive he got. It's at the point now, when I leave the house...I turn my damn phone off, just to avoid his constant calls.    

Of course...image is everything in my line of work, and I do tend to make people believe I'm single. I don't talk about him, I don't make a habit of being seen in public with him. It's just easier that way.     

It's all shameless flirting really, but he doesn't seem to see it that way. In his eyes, it's proof that I could leave him in the dust at any moment.     

Like I said, total drama queen.     

Now, don't get me wrong...Justin's a good man and in some ways, yes..I do take him for granted.    

I know that no matter what, he'll always be there and I guess I like that security. It's good to know that at the end of the day, there's always going to be someone there waiting for you.    

I know it's wrong to ignore his feelings the way I do sometimes, but I can't help it. I'm just a girl who wants to have some fun. Is that really such a bad thing?    

I stroll into the bar a little after 11 and immediately spot my boys seated in our usual table. The place is packed and I've got a feeling it's going to be a damn good night.     

"Katie...you made it." Jason grins as I slide in beside him.     

"Of course I did." I giggle and grab a french fry from the basket in the center of the table. "Honestly...what would stop me?"    

"Oh gee...I don't know...the paps outside...that psycho boyfriend of yours." Mark chuckles and shakes his head.    

"What boyfriend?" I smirk before ordering my first drink.     

Several hours and drinks later, the boys and I decide to stop at a small fast food restaurant in an attempt to soak up some of the alcohol in our systems.     

I drank much more than I intended and I've got to sober up before I get home. Justin tends to trip out if I come home drunk and I'm sure tonight will be no exception.    

He claims it's because he worries about my safety, that a woman with any common sense wouldn't go out drinking with a bunch of men, but I think it's more of that possessiveness coming out.     

Sometimes, I think he just doesn't want me to have any fun.     

My phone rings shrilly in my purse and I roll my eyes as Jason, Mark and Kevin all turn to smirk at me. I quickly dig it out and frown when I see Justin's name flashing on the screen.    

I should have figured.     

I contemplate answering it, before turning it off and stuffing it back in my bag.    

I know it seems like I don't love him, but I do. I just...I need to be who I am. I care about Justin more than I've ever cared for anyone, but I need my own life, my own space.    

The boys and I quickly devour our grease filled late night meal and head home. As usual, Justin's seated on the couch, waiting for me to come home.     

"Hey baby!" I smile and plop down in his lap, planting a kiss on his forehead.     

"You're drunk." He frowns and shakes his head sadly.    

"That tends to happen when you go to a bar."    

"Kate...I think we need to talk about this."    

"Aww...c'mon...don't be like that. You know I love you."     

"No...no I don't." He shakes his head again before pushing me off of him. "I can't do this anymore...you go out all hours of the night, turn off your damn phone and like an idiot...I sit here and wait, thinking that maybe one day, you'll realize what that you're doing is killing me."    

"I'm having fun." I shrug and give him a duh look.     

"Well...I'm not. I'm unhappy...why can't you see that?"    

"Why didn't you say something sooner?"    

"I've tried Kate...I've tried so many damn times and I don't think I have it in me to try anymore. I...I'm going to pack my things and go. I think we'll both be better off that way. You can live the life you want, and I can find someone who will see what they've got when they have me."    

He walks out of the room and leaves me on the floor to watch him go.    

Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I should have realized that one day, he'd grow tired of being ignored, but I really thought he'd stick it out.     

He knew how I was when he met me and at first, it never seemed to bother him. He accepted it and loved me the way I was, but apparently, he just can't do it anymore.     

But on the bright side, I won't be tied down any longer.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy        

I sit up in bed quickly and shake my head, trying to rid that horrible nightmare from my mind. I don't know why, but I always seem to have the craziest dreams and this one was no different. Unfortunately...this one hit a little too close to home. It's what  go through on a daily basis.

Only, I'm in the clingy, questioning girlfriend role.

I glance at the clock and see that it's nearly midnight and I'm in bed alone, as usual.    

Justin strolls out of the bathroom, hair gelled to perfection, wearing a stunning gray suit. I guess he's going out again.     

"Where are you going?" I ask quietly.    

"Out." He replies in a bored tone    

"Oh...are you going to be gone long?"    

"Fuck Kate...I don't know." He mutters with a roll of his eyes. He quickly grabs his wallet off of the nightstand and heads for the door.    

Without a word, he walks out, slamming the door behind him.    

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I was in his shoes, if I was the one out running around with God knows who, while he sat waiting, never knowing if I'd make it home in one piece or not.    

Granted, I don't think I could ever do the things he does to me.     

If I were in his shoes, I think I'd know how to treat a woman. I'd know just how hurtful and inconsiderate it is when he leaves like this.    

I wish I could make him understand how painful it is to watch him walk out that door, knowing that he's going to spend his time with women who would love nothing more than to take him away from me.    

If I was smart, I'd have left him long ago.    

Unfortunately, he's secure in the knowledge that I'm not going anywhere. He knows I love him, knows I need him more than air.    

That's why he gets away with this.     

I've tried to put my foot down countless times, but all he has to do is smile at me and I melt. He makes me empty promises and like a fool...I believe them.     

Maybe the time has finally come for me to leave.

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong     

It took me almost an hour to muster up the courage to actually pack my things but once I started, I couldn't stop. I collected everything I own and before I knew it, I'd filled three suitcases.     

It's quickly approaching five a.m, and my bags are shoved into the trunk of my car. I wanted to write him a letter, tell him everything I'm feeling and let him know that I've finally had enough, but I couldn't find the right words.         

He needs to know what he's put me through, so here I sit in my usual spot on the couch, waiting for him once again.     

Only this time, I'm not staying.    

If I were a boy...I'd be a much better man than he is.
 

"If I Were A Boy"-Beyonce