Where is she? She should have been here by now. How can I enjoy my 30th birthday without my best friend present? Sure the guys are all here, Kelsey's here, my family...but it all seems meaningless without Megs here. I had wanted to hold off on the announcement until she got here, but she's so late. I'll just have to tell her when she decides to arrive.

I know she's going to be upset with me for not telling her first, but I wanted to tell everyone at the same time. I'm sure she'll understand.

Where is she? What could possibly be so important she would be this late to my birthday party? She has never been late to anything of mine before. I know what you must be thinking, poor little rich boy. Constantly whining because one little friend hasn't shown up yet with another expensive gift. But that's not it at all. I don't care about a present. They're just material possessions I couldn't care less about. I care about my Megs being here to celebrate my 30th birthday with me. For as long as I can remember, she has been there. Sure I was friends with her older brother, Ben, first. But what Meghan and I share is so much deeper than anything I could ever hope to have with anyone else. I know everything there is to know about her and I know she knows just as much about me, if not more. That's a lie. There's one tiny little thing she doesn't know about me...well actually, that's a hell of an understatement.

It's a huge detail about me that she doesn't know. And there is absolutely no way I could have ever told her or acted on it. I mean, come on, how do you just tell you best friend that somewhere between the introductions, hide and seek, and sharing intimate secrets in your basement, you just fell in love with them? It would destroy our friendship, I know it would and I'm not willing to do that because I know she doesn't feel the same. I almost ruined what we have once, twelve years ago.

I'm alone
Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love - Let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough I've suffered and I've seen the light

I can't do that again.

I still remember the look on her face when the realization of what had happened the night before hit her. She looked so devastated as her eyes welled with tears. I tried apologizing, telling her it would never happen again, that our friendship meant too much to let something like that ruin it. But nothing I said would calm her. She asked me to leave and I did so without saying anything else.

After that day I was so worried we would never be the same, but it healed. And after I vowed to bury my feelings and never let them surface again. The fear I felt in losing her was so horrible I would have rather died than lost her over something like that.

Which led me to Kelsey. She's not Megs, but she's a great woman and I know she loves me. I can tell she gets jealous of mine and Meghan's closeness, but she has nothing to worry about. Nothing could ever happen between us again.

I only wish I were wrong.

I know she's fine. Most likely stuck in traffic, but I can't help but to worry. So I take out my cell phone and call her once again.

1 ring...2 rings...3... "Hello?" My lungs resume breathing as I hear her soft and sensual voice come through phone.

"Hey, Megs. Where are you? I was hoping you'd have been here by now."

"You worry too much Josh. Those wrinkles in your forehead from worrying just aren't going well with your Armani suit." I immediately begin to look around the large ballroom for her. She has to be somewhere near me if she can see me that well.

"Now I know what you must be thinking. ‘Where is that gorgeous friend of mine?' You get slightly distracted in your search as a familiar song blares through the system and you just can't help that goofy smile that appears so graciously on your lips. I always did love that smile."

Where the hell is she? It drives me insane knowing she can see me but I just can't find her. I would never say it was goofy, but I couldn't help but to smile as I hear "Angel" by Aerosmith blast throughout the room. We called each other our angel. Always there to shed the slightest bit of light on the darkest storms.

"By now your mind is running so rapid it's beginning to annoy you that you just can't seem to find me. But suddenly, as you turn to your left, the crowd parts and there she is, atop the stairs awaiting your next move with anticipation." I couldn't quiet the ‘wow' that escaped between my lips as my eyes finally landed on her at the top of the staircase. For a man who works with words for a living, it seemed as though none had ever been written that could describe her beauty. She was positively breath taking in her red floor length silk gown that showed just the slightest bit of cleavage that could make any man drool and beg for more. Our eyes met and as she smiled and looked down, she twirled for me and I nearly stopped dead in my tracks. Apart from the criss-cross, the gown was backless going down to her lower back.

Her hair was pinned up so it was out of her gorgeous face, and her choice in jewelry couldn't have been more perfect. She had chosen the whit gold, diamond embedded necklace with the Isadora diamond hanging from it with matching earrings. I had bought the set for her for her twenty-sixth birthday two years ago. I'm glad she finally decided to wear them. And just as I had thought, they were absolutely stunning on her. Of course she had been pissed at me when she found out the necklace alone was eighty-four carrots, but she got over it.

As I climbed the stairs one by one, my eyes never left hers, I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms and show her just how much I love her, but I cannot.

"My Lady." I raise her hand to my lips and place a soft kiss on the back of her knuckles. "You look absolutely beautiful." I can't help but to think of how adorable it is when she smiles and blushes profusely, just from a simple compliment.

"Thank you. You're quite handsome yourself."

"Why thank you." She begins to giggle and reaches up to wrap her arms around my neck and my arms immediately encircle her waist. My eyes close as I take in her scent. It's a mix of Jasmine and vanilla, an aphrodisiac all its own. What I wouldn't give to have her tell me she wants everything I do, and that she wants it with me. But I know that won't happen...only in my dreams. I release her and take her arms in mine as I lead her down the stairs.

"Megs, I do believe you owe me a birthday dance."

"I do believe you're right. Unfortunately, I can't tango in this dress."

"Hm, we'll just have to do something else then, won't we?" I tried as hard as I could not to let it show what my mind thought of first when she said tango. The last thing she needs is me imagining her from that one night so long ago.

One hand on her waist, one holding hers, I begin to sway with her to the beat. She is an incredible dancer. The way her body moves with ease, how her hips sway in rhythm...she is just so sensual. I have to tell her. I know I do. Why am I such a coward? I don't want to ruin our friendship...I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Baby
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it all right

This blows.

We began talking about our lives and past birthdays with one another and other special occasions, but we both avoided the one topic we knew needed to be kept in the past. But it felt good. Dancing and reminiscing with my best friend...nothing felt better.

Oh no.

I want to smack myself. How could I have possibly forgotten to tell her? We were having such a good time; it slipped my mind to share my news with her.

"Um, Megs?"

"Yes, Josh?"

"I need to tell you something. You were late so you missed the announcement."

"What announcement?" Confusion clouded her face and I mentally berate myself for forgetting. Where is Kelsey anyway?

"Um, well, I...I..." Why is it so hard to tell her? It was easy with everyone else, but with my Megs, it again seemed as though no words were ever written. "Kelsey and I, we're..."

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere." As if on cue, Kelsey bounced right over to us and put her hand on my shoulder. "Meghan! You finally made it!" Kelsey enveloped her in a hug and I couldn't help but to smile at how uncomfortable Meghan looks. Kelsey was never one of her favorite people, though I'm not quite sure why. "Have you told her the news yet, JC?"

"I was just about to when you came over." Here we go. No turning back now.

"News? What news?" She asks even thought I know she knows. It's pretty hard to miss that rock on Kelsey's left hand that just needed to have. Megs would never want something so large and flashy...

"Kelsey and I are getting married."

"Oh, I just love hearing that! Mrs. Kelsey Chasez. Doesn't it sound great? We've decided on august 22nd of next year. And Meghan, honey, I want you as one of my bride's maids."

"Me?"

"Yes! Oh it's going to be wonderful. You don't have to tell me now of course, but soon would be great. Oh, there's Amy! Excuse me, Amy!"

"She talks a lot when she's excited." I say, basically twiddling my thumbs. It's begun already, I can feel it. Megs is already drawing away from me, both physically and mentally. I know she's upset I didn't tell her first, but I just couldn't because that would mean facing reality - Megs and I were never meant to be.

"Wow. You're engaged, huh?" All I could do was nod with her. I had no idea how to take her facial expression. Her brown eyes finally met mine and I could tell there was so much she wanted to say but wouldn't. "Congratulations, Josh. I'm happy for you."

"Are you?"

She faltered a moment too long and I knew the answer, regardless of what she says. "Yes. I mean, you wouldn't marry a woman you weren't greatly in love with, right? If you're happy, I'm happy. You are happy?"

No, I'm not. I'd be happiest with you, Megs. If she would just give me a sign, any type of sign that she feels even a third of what I feel, Kelsey would be gone. But alas she does not, and I must lie to her once again. "Of course I'm happy, Megs."

"Then I'm happy for you." She kissed me on the cheek before hugging me lightly and then mumbled something about going to find Justin. I know it's just to get away from me though and I can't help but to feel as though a part of me just died.

They're getting married.

Josh is marrying Kelsey.

My heart can barely beat. How could I have ever thought he would see me as more than his best friend? Especially after his prom night twelve years ago? You're so stupid Meghan! Of course he would never love me like he does Kelsey. She's tall, leggy, thin, perfectly tan, perfect white teeth and perfect blond hair and tits. She's the perfect wife for a celebrity. How could I have even hoped to compare? I can feel the tears threatening to fall from my eyes and I know I need to get out. I have no idea where I'm going; I just need to get away from everyone. I go through a set of double doors and find myself out in the courtyard. Before I can even think, I run to the bench and begin bawling my eyes out. I try to gain a sense of self control, but I just can't. He doesn't know it, but by telling me he is getting married, he completely crushed my heart. I am such a fool for believing there could have been more with us.

Don't know what I'm gonna do
About this feeling inside
Yes it's true - Loneliness took me for a ride
Without your love - I'm nothing but a begger
Without your love - a dog without a bone
What can I do I'm sleeping in this bed alone

I hear someone coming up the walkway and quickly try to dry my eyes before anyone knows I had been crying. The woman sits down beside me and I see that it is Josh's mother.

"You know, Meghan, just because Josh is marrying Kelsey doesn't mean I don't know who loves my son the most at the end of the day, and who he'd be with if the world were fair."

"But the world's not fair, Karen."

"I know honey. And for that, I'm sorry." I shrug my shoulders, trying not to cry more but I fail miserably as she pulls me to her and allows me to break down on her shoulder.

She gets it, why can't her son?

"Justin! Have you seen Josh?" I have had enough fun for one night. I need to get out of here before I scream...or possibly explode. All around me I hear everyone speaking of the engagement and it just reminds me more of what I can't have.

"Hey, Meggy! When did you get here?" Justin wraps his arms around me and I feel a nice sense of comfort. Justin was always a good friend.

"About an hour and a half ago. Have you seen him?"

"Yeah, he's been with Kelsey and her mom at the bar for the past twenty minutes." He looks at me seriously and I dread what he has to say next. "Have you told him yet?"

I look away from him and try to find my voice. "No. He told me about the engagement before I could."

"I'm sorry that you lost him, Meggy."

Shaking my head, I look back to Justin's sorrowful eyes and I can tell he really means it. "I didn't lose him Justin. You can't lose something you never had." I can feel the tears once again and I curse myself for letting him get to me like this. I wish it could be as simple as he doesn't feel the same, oh well, I'll get over it. But nothing is ever that simple.

I begin to walk away, but I look back at Justin. "I'll be seeing you." He gives me a wave and I turn and head towards the bar. "Josh!" I call to him and he looks at me. A smile forms on his face as he makes his way over to me.

You're the reason I live
You're the reason I die
You're the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why

"Hey, where have you been?"

"I was just with you mom then Justin. I need to talk to you."

"Why don't you come over and have a drink with us?"

"No, I can't. I have to..."

"Come on, Megs. You haven't really partied in a long ass time. You're due."

"Josh, I just came to say goodbye." The grip he has on my hand suddenly tightens as he turns to look at me.

"Goodbye?" Confusion is clearly written in his eyes, and it kills me to do this to him on his birthday, but I have to. I can't wait around and watch him plan a beautiful wedding with a woman that isn't me. "You mean goodnight?"

I shake my head as I once again will the tears to stop. "No. I mean goodbye. I'm leaving tomorrow for Great Falls."

"Why?"

"I can't stay here anymore. Everything has just become too much lately. I just...I need to go away for a while."

"Is it me? Did I do something? Please, if I did just tell me and I'll make it right."

I can see the tears welling in his eyes and I know I can't hold back any longer. "No Josh. Its not you. Trust me when I say it's me."

"I don't understand..."

"Please don't make this harder than it already is. Just hug and kiss me, tell me you love me and let me go. I need to do this." Before I can even think, Josh's arms are around me and his lips are on mine. It's only for a few seconds, but it will stay with me forever. He takes my face in his hands and wipes away my tears.

"You will come back to me, won't you?"

"Yes, of course." He wraps his arms tightly around me and I let myself cry into his chest. What am I doing? How could I just leave like this?

"I love you, Megs. I always have and I always will."

"I love you too, Josh. I love you too." I pull away from him and take a step back. "Goodbye."

"Don't say goodbye. Goodbyes are forever, this isn't. You are coming back to me, aren't you?"

"I'll always come back to you, Josh. Always." I turn and begin walking away. I can feel his eyes watching me and I somehow manage to make it all the way into my car before bursting into tears.

Looking at the building with blurred vision, there was only one thing left in me to say.

"Happy Birthday, Love."

You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
you're my angel
Come and take me allright
Come and save me tonight, Come and save me tonight, Come and save me tonight,
Come and save me tonight, Come and save me tonight

*Lyrics: Angel by Aerosmith
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