I just can't take this anymore. I need to tell him...but how? He's the light in the darkness, the rainbow after the storm, he's what makes everything on this ungodly earth worth while. So why is it so hard to tell him so? Its because every time I am with him words fall out of my mouth and I just can't seem to trace what I'm saying. I know he would never feel the same for me as I do him, but it doesn't matter.

I'm in love with him.

And I'm pretty sure I always have been. Even before the fame, the money, and the gorgeous women throwing themselves at him that I know I could never even begin to compete with.

I know who he truly is. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who knows that the only type of eggs he truly loves is poached, which I think is entirely too gross to even look at. He has obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to his bed sheets...they absolutely have to be 100% cotton or he just won't sleep on them. His favorite color is green, no matter what people say or what he was told to tell people because one of the other guys' favorite color was green. He loves children just as much as me and hopes to have at least five...three boys and two girls...just like me. I know what you're thinking, these are common facts that anybody could possibly know. And I agree with you. But tell me this, do you know that every morning when he wakes up he stretches and lets out this little growl that is the sexiest thing you could ever hear? When getting ready for his day, the very last thing he does is put on deodorant. When taking a shower, he won't sing his own songs. He loves playing prince as high as the stereo will allow, and he won't shut his bathroom door unless there's somebody in the house...not including me. His favorite type of sushi is squid and he completely regrets growing his hair long.

I know everything there is to know about Joshua Scott Chasez...because I've been there through everything and I love it all. The good, the bad...everything. His weaknesses are my own. Seeing him hurting or crying just completely tears my heart out and his smile is so infectious that he can brighten even the darkest of days for me.

He is my best friend.

But he is also my one and only true love...but he has no idea and that is nobody's fault but my own.
Tripping up on my tongue,
It's all over my face and I'm racing
Gotta get away from you
Burning all the way home,
Try to put it to bed but it chases
Every little thing I do

Of course I have tried to squash my feelings dead. I've tried burying them and cursing them and even ridding myself of everything that reminded me of Josh. But the feelings seem to chase me everywhere I go. They won't disappear and I have long since realized that, if someone is in your head and just wont get out, then perhaps they are suppose to be there.

When the light falls on your face,
Don't let it change you
When the stars get in your eyes
Don't let them blind you

You're beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me

Ever since he stepped into the light and became the national pop icon that he is, I prayed it wouldn't change him. He was absolutely beautiful...still is. He is perfect just the way he is and when he was sad and upset and nervous that people wouldn't accept him for who he was, I told him that. I have seen him through thick and thin and I'm beginning to feel as though I can't do it anymore if he doesn't see that I can't be just his friend anymore. I need more. I need...

I need for him to love me and long for my touch the way I do him. But I'm afraid he just won't so I'm forced to weigh the pros and cons of telling him in my mind. And quite honestly, its killing me more.

I've debated on telling him and then I know that there is a possibility of me losing the best man I have ever known...the best friend I could ever possibly have.

I wish I could make him see that this is where he is suppose to be...right here in my heart.

One night I was lying up late thinking about everything Josh and I have been through together and I had attempted writing him a letter to tell him my feelings but a letter just could not possibly convey my feelings in full...so what came out of it was a song. And every word of it is for him.

I just need to get the guts to actually sing for him and just possibly he will catch on to my weakness...him.

Spell it out in a song,
Bet you never catch on to my weakness
I'm singing every word for you.
Here I'm thinking I'm sly
Then you're catching my eye and just maybe
You're thinking what I'm thinking too

I catch myself just staring at him dreamily when he's is engaged in conversation with someone other than me and here I am, thinking I'm sly when he turns and looks directly at me...our eyes catch and I can't stop the butterflies from forming in my belly and I just can't look away. He winks at me and gives me that heart-warming, knee weakening smile of his and maybe, just maybe he's thinking what I'm thinking too, but I can never be sure. So I keep quiet.

He is so beautiful.

Every line, every scar...it's all what makes him...him. Oh how I wish more than ever I could make him see...

When you see it on my face
Don't let it shake you
I know better than to try and
take you with me

I love him and I know its written on my face every time I see him but I don't care. The pros just outweigh the cons at this point and I can't hold it in anymore. If I do I know I may never get my chance to tell him.

I'm moving tomorrow and I just don't know if I'll ever see him again. This isn't something I can do over the phone or over an IM...I have to tell him to his face and hope he doesn't laugh in mine.

I have to do this...he has to know.

Oh I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me

*Come Down To Me by Saving Jane