They took her away from me. Nobody seems to get that. I finally found the love of my life; the girl I married and they stole her. They took her and my fucking daughter and all anyone can do is tell me how sorry they are. No one is sorry. They’re sorry that someone has to go through this shit, but deep down they don’t care. They don’t understand.

         I’m a fucking celebrity, my life is supposed to be good. They think I can just replace them, that I’ll go meet another girl at a club, get her pregnant and move on with my life. It’s only been six months and everyone thinks there’s something wrong with me because I won’t leave the house. A therapist comes in three times a week and sits on the couch across from me. He tells me I’m depressed. No fucking shit. I’m glad I’m paying this asshole thousands of dollars to state the obvious.

         I’d kill myself; I have no reason to live without my girls. If it weren’t for my mother I would have done it a long time ago, but I can’t hurt her like that. She loved Kelly just about as much as I do, not even to mention that look in her eye when we told her Kelly was pregnant with Lemmie. My mother’s been begging me for a grandchild since I was sixteen and then I gave her one and they fucking took her away.

         How is that fair that a beautiful two year old doesn’t live long enough to go to school or learn how to write her name? She never even got to go to Disney World, that’s fucking bullshit I should have taken more time off so I could take her. What kid doesn’t go to Disney World? I didn’t even teach her how to swim. Kelly wanted to but I was afraid she was too young. It figures I was always overprotective of her and then it happens when I’m on the other side of the country and for once can’t be overprotective.

         I was in Tampa, Florida getting off stage after a sold out show. It’s always at that second as I get off stage after two hours of going crazy and listening to people literally scream of excitement over me that I just look up to the sky and thank god for everything he’s given me. I’m one of the lucky ones, or at least I was. That moment is ruined for me forever, fuck that the whole performing and music thing in general is ruined.

         My cousin Rachael was standing backstage, crying more than I’d ever seen her cry. She doesn’t cry, she’s a tough chick but she was bawling. My security guard, Lonnie, was hugging onto her tightly. He pulled away from her when he saw me and I realized he was crying too. That was the moment I realized it was something serious.

         “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

         Rachael shook her head before covering her face with her hands. “I can’t tell him.”

         “Somebody’s gotta fucking tell me, what’s going on?”

         “There was a horrible accident,” Lonnie spoke quietly. This is a four hundred pound man; he does not ever speak that quietly.

         “What kind of an accident? Kelly? Is she all right? My mom? Oh fuck, Lemmie? Don’t fuck with me, what’s going on?”

         “There was a car accident, the car was totaled.”

         “WHO?” I screamed it this time.

         “Kelly and the baby.”

         “What?” I wanted to scream but I couldn’t, all I could do was whisper, “They’re ok though right? We’ll get them a new car and everything will be alright.”

         That’s when it started, “I’m so sorry Justin.”

         Since that day six months, a week and three days ago I’ve heard those two words, I’m Sorry every fucking day. They loose their meaning when you hear it so much.  There is no meaning to those two words.  They mean shit to me.

         Kelly wasn’t a celebrity, that’s what I loved so much about her. She was normal, drama free, and she kept me on track. Whenever I got caught up with all the shit entailed in being a celebrity she’d be right there to bring me back to reality. She never treated me like I was someone special; she never let me get caught up in the shit. It only makes sense that she get in a car crash because she’s being chased by fucking paparazzi trying to run her off the road.

         Kelly hated Los Angeles, she hated California in general. She’s from Arkansas, not too far from where I grew up in Tennessee. We met at my Granny’s 70th birthday party and as much as I hated to admit it at the time I did fall in love with her that first day I met her. She was fully content living her life in the middle of nowhere where she could teach second grade. I had to live in Los Angeles because that’s where my work is, so she moved out there for me. She hated every minute of the fame. She always said how weird it made her feel that people wanted to take her picture or even ask for her autograph. 

         But, because of me, she moved to Los Angeles. Because of me she was driving to the fucking grocery store and those assholes drove her off the road. If it weren’t for me she’d still be living in Arkansas, teaching those twenty-five seven year olds. I should have just moved back home to Tennessee. It would have been possible for me to just go out to LA when I needed to and keep my family private.

         What kind of a father puts his daughter through the kind of shit I put Lemmie through? She was two fucking years old! From the fourth month of Kelly’s pregnancy the assholes have been in our face trying to get pictures of the baby. It used to be easy for me to stay away from them; there were always certain places that you know they’re going to be.  I was always good at staying away, which probably had a lot to do with my lack of interest in the Hollywood Hotspots.

         When everyone found on Kelly was pregnant it got out of hand. They’d camp outside our driveway and wait for us to leave before following us wherever it is we’re going. They scream and yell and try to make us look like we’re pissed off so they can come up with some bullshit story about how our marriage is failing. For the record, our marriage could not have been going better, and as soon as we found out Kelly was pregnant we were living on cloud nine.

         Kelly always wanted to be a mother; she knew that was her purpose in life. She loved kids; I mean she was a second grade teacher so that says enough in itself. When we got married and she moved out to LA with me she went looking for a job to teach almost immediately. She didn’t need to work, I told her she’d never have to work another day in her life, but she wanted to. That’s just the kind of girl she was. When she had Lemmie there was that instant connection.  I was worried about being a father but Kelly never was worried about being a mother. She knew she’d be an amazing mother, and she was. She wasn’t overprotective like me, she let Lemmie explore. Kelly came up with fun activities and could spend all day rolling around on the floor with our daughter and be as happy as can be.

         And Lemmie, my daughter. I always wanted kids, but it’s scary as hell when the time actually comes. My goal was to be a better father than my father was to me. Up until that day I thought I was actually reaching my goal. I was the worst father in the world. I have my father beat. All my dad did was fail to be there for me, he ignored me and got remarried and had a new family, forgetting I even existed. That’s nothing; maybe I should have ignored her. Maybe I should have left her alone, then she’d still be here.

         I didn’t even get to know her. She was just starting to talk; I wish I could have had more conversations with her. I’d give anything to have just one more day with her. I lived for those little moments, like waking up in the morning sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal, as Lemmie would just look at me with those big blue eyes and that bright smile, watching my every move. She was always smiling, the perfect kid, I can’t even think of a time she wasn’t happy. She’d just sit there watching me and then out of nowhere she’d throw a piece of her rice cereal at me and giggle the day away.

         “Justin,” I heard my mother’s voice as she came into my dark bedroom and opened the curtains letting the sunlight in, “It is two o’clock in the afternoon. Have you been up at all today? What about yesterday?”

         I pulled the covers over my head and chose to ignore her. I’ve heard you have a third of the time you’re together to get over a breakup. I was with Kelly for six years so I have two years to get over her. But that’s just for breakups, I think I should get at least double that if she’s killed, probably triple if she’s killed because of me.  Then there’s Lemmie, that’s two more years, but she’s my daughter so I should have as long as I fucking need before I have to get out of my bed.

         “Justin, baby,” I felt my mother sit down on the bed next to me and pull the blankets away from me, “You’re really worrying everyone.”

         “Well don’t be worried then.”

         “You need to get up, this isn’t healthy. It’s a beautiful day the sun will make you feel better. Why don’t we go golfing? That always makes you feel better.”

         “I don’t want to go golfing.”

         “Justin,” she answered before taking a deep breath, “You need to get out of this house.”

         “I’m not a child, you can’t tell me what to do anymore. This is it Ma, this is me now, you’re going to have to get used to it.”

         “This isn’t it. This isn’t you. I know you’re hurting baby, we all are, but this isn’t how you should deal with it.”

         “Well I’m all out of whisky so unless you want to go get me some more this is how I’m going to deal with it.”

         “We packed your bags and you’re coming home to Tennessee. You need to be away from this city and you need to get out of this house. But you’re not going to hide in bed back home either. We’re going to get you some help and I know you think you don’t need it but you’re coming home and we’re going to figure this all out.”

         “I’m not leaving this house Ma,” I answered pulling the sheets back over my head. I can’t just leave this place; it’s all I have left of my girls.

         “Baby, I need you to get better. I can’t loose you too. I just can’t do it.  I know you’re not worrying about you, but do it for me. I can’t see you like this Justin, do it for me.”

         Why does she have to put it like that? I know, because she knows I can’t say no to that. “When are we leaving?”

         “Just as soon as you clean yourself up,” she smiled and kissed my forehead after I sat up, “I love you darling, it’ll be ok.”

 

My Dad always said, “Keep your chin up. It’s not the end of the world.” When I was a kid he used to tell me that all time, when my best friend stole my favorite eraser or when my brother used my Barbie to test out his new parachute from the roof. He told me that when my Junior Prom Date called me an hour before prom to tell me he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and would be taking her instead. But this, this is something even my Dad can’t tell me to keep my chin up about. Even my father who always has the perfect words of wisdom and can always make me feel better had nothing to say.

         It feels like it’s the end of the world. I feel like my heart stopped beating that night three months ago. I haven’t seen any form of light since that night. 

         I met Chase on my first day of college. I was so nervous to be moving from Jackson Tennessee all the way to Knoxville for the University of Tennessee. Most of my friends didn’t even go to college not even to mention going to a school five hours away. I knew no one and was ready to go back home before I even had my first class. But then I met Chase.  I walked into my first class, Speech 101, and stopped at the doorway of the auditorium completely out of my element. There were 37 kids in my graduating class, only two hundred in the whole school. There had to be at least three hundred in that one class.

         “Hey,” I heard Chase’s voice for the first time and looked to see his bright smile and dark shaggy hair, “You have a line forming behind you, are you alright?” I nodded my head but he grabbed onto my wrist and led me inside, “Is this your class? Let’s sit. I’m Chase.”

         “Hi Chase, I’m Delia.”

         “Delia? Parents big Shakespeare fans?”

         No one ever knows what I was named after; they usually go straight to that store at the mall. I was not named after a store thank you very much. “Yes actually, are you…”

         “A Shakespeare fan? Yes, all British Lit actually but Shakespeare is my favorite. I’m not gay, by they way.  It’s possible for a very masculine man to be into Shakespeare. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

         It was from that first day, my first class in college that we were inseparable. He proposed to me the night of our graduation and less than a year later we were married. We were living the life. We both got jobs right out of college. We bought a house complete with white picket fence and actually loved spending time together. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and then he was stolen from me.

         We were driving home from a friend’s house on Saturday May 25, 2008.  Chase was driving with one hand on the wheel and the other holding onto my hand, just like we always did. That was one of those things they say that go away after you’ve been together for a while but it never went away with us. We were already married for two years and every single time we were walking together or in the car together we held hands. It was just the norm for us; we wanted to touch each other as much as we could.

         Chase drove because I was drinking. I definitely wasn’t drunk but I did enjoy a few glasses of wine with our friends. He never would drink even a sip if he were driving. He always made such a big deal about the stupidity of drinking and driving. Our life was just like a Shakespeare play, even full of foreshadowing.  It’s like he knew that’s the way he was going to die.  Even though Chase wasn’t drinking it didn’t matter because the girl driving the other car was.  He swerved to move the car out of the way of the red Mustang coming right towards us. If he had swerved two less feet the car would have crashed right into the passenger side where I was but instead he crashed into a tree crushing him against it.

         “Are you alright baby?” he asked me. I was fine, there wasn’t a scratch on me but he was bleeding from the broken window and had a branch stuck in his chest but he asked me if I was all right.

         “You’re bleeding,” I cried as I crawled closer to him, “There’s a tree in you, should I take it out?”

         “No,” he answered weakly grabbing onto my hand tighter, “I love you so much Delia, more than anything. I want you to remember that forever, ok? I’ll wait for you.”

         “What are you talking about? Stop,” I cried harder when I saw a tear roll down his cheek, “You’re going to be ok. The ambulance will be here any second and…”

         “I’m not baby. Please, please I love you so much. Remember that all right? Promise me Delia.”

         “I promise, of course I promise Chase, I love you more than live. But don’t talk like that; everything is going to be ok. You can’t leave me baby, please don’t leave me.”

         “I’m sorry Delia. You have to keep smiling, you have the most beautiful smile and you can’t keep it from the world. Be happy baby, I need you to be happy.” I leaned closer and kissed him for the last time before he spoke his last words to me from A Midsummer Night’s Dream, “The course of true love never did run smooth. I love you D.”

 

         I locked myself in our house for the next month. I did not know what to do with myself so I spent most of my time crying and going through old pictures. I wore Chase’s clothes, holding tightly onto anything that still had his scent and called his cell phone hundreds of times a day just to hear his voice on the voicemail.  The few times I was actually able to eat I threw it up immediately, in fact I threw up every day even when I didn’t eat.

         I’d never lost anyone close to me before so I didn’t know how I was supposed to deal with it. My family kept calling but they got the hint and finally decided to leave me alone for the time being. It was a month later that my parents showed up at my door.  They pulled me into a group hug and all I could do was cry in their arms.

         “I’ve been so sick, and throwing up,” I cried after we moved to the couch. “And so soar and like everything hurts. My head and my back and my stomach feel so weird. I can’t eat anything, food in general makes me sick but all I want is some Marshmallow Fluff.”

         My parents looked at each other and exchanged a knowing glance.  I was the only one completely oblivious to the facts in front of me: I’m pregnant.  When the doctor confirmed this the next day I did not know how to react. Chase and I had been trying for a baby for the past year but we never had any luck. It’s bittersweet that I’m now pregnant after he was taken from me. I wanted to be happy because I know how happy he would be knowing this is finally happening, but it’s too hard. How am I going to raise a child on my own? I’m having a hard time getting through the day with just me; it’s not a very good idea to bring a child into this world at this time. But I need to. This baby will be part of me and part of Chase. This baby is the only real link I’ll always have with him.

         “We found this bereavement program just down the street Delia. I really think it’s what you need. You’ll stay there for a few weeks with people going through the same thing you’re going through. It’ll really help you sweetie, I know it will.”

         I agreed to go because I knew I couldn’t be this depressed without hurting the baby. From now on I need to think about baby first, Chase would want it that way. Plus, he told me he wanted me to be happy. I’m trying really hard to get happy, I promise I am, but it’s just not happening.  It can’t be that abnormal to take this long before I get happy again.

 

 

 

         It was a normal hot and humid August afternoon when my parents showed up in my living room. They met me with a hug but I was unable to move out of my father’s arms.  “Hi Daddy,” I could only whisper so I could hold back the tears. I’m so sick of crying, it needs to stop. Every time I think I’m getting over it something happens and the littlest thing sets off the tears. My eyes have become a constant shade of red.

         “How are you feeling Lady Bug?”        

         I shrugged as a response and wiped my eyes before I pulled away, “I have um, that bag over there. Then I’m all set, I guess.”

         “We’re proud of you, you’re doing the right thing,” my mother stated with a smile as she grabbed onto my hand while my father grabbed my bag.  I stopped as soon as I got outside, the first time in the three months since it happened, and stood on the porch looking at the car in my driveway.

         I couldn’t move but I couldn’t take my eyes off the car. That car, A car. It’s not the same as Chase’s car but it’s the same color. It doesn’t matter, it’s a fucking car and the last time I was in a car my husband was killed. I don’t ever want to get in a car again. I don’t even want to look at a car ever again.

         “Come on Delia, it’s just a short drive,” my mother replied softly sensing my fear.

         I shook my head, tears falling like a waterfall down my face. “I can’t, I’ll walk. I’m not ready, please don’t make me. Please Daddy, I can’t.” I found myself curling against my father, begging him to spare me from what at that moment seemed to be the scariest thing in my life.

My mother found it absolutely ridiculous that I’m a twenty six year old that is afraid of a little car. I refused to get in. I turned around and headed back to my bed completely fine with spending the rest of my life there. My father’s arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me into one of those tight hugs that only my father can give.

         “We’ll walk, it’s not too far.” He answered simply and moved his arm to my waist as he walked with me down the driveway.

 

 

        

         It’s the little things that get to me. As I’m standing in the bathroom looking in the foggy mirror I start to remember the little things; like the way Kelly would get so mad when I wiped the fog off the mirror because it leaves streaks. She always hated those damn streaks.  I reached my hand up to wipe it but quickly put it down. She trained me well.

         I couldn’t do anything but stare at the mirror in front of me, watching as I slowly came into view while the fog disappeared. I don’t even recognize myself. These past few months have been so shitty I hardly remember what I looked like before everything happened. I do remember what Lemmie looked like. I hate referring to her in the past tense but what else am I supposed to do? I’m afraid I’m going to forget what she looks like. Deep down I know that could never happen but it still scares the shit out of me.

         “Justin!” I heard my mother banging on the door, “You’ve been in there awhile, are you alright?”

         “I’m fine Ma, give me a fucking minute!”  I shouted back. I know she means well but she’s been in my fucking face since she got here.  Everyone is on suicide watch with me. If I were going to kill myself I would have done it a long time ago.  I don’t understand why everyone can’t just let me deal with my shit the way I want to deal with my shit. I’m not asking for any sympathy, I’m not harming anyone. Give me a fucking break.

         I pulled a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt over my head, keeping the hood up as I walked back into my bedroom where my mother had already packed my things in a suitcase. I ignored her completely, trying to step back instead of screaming at her. She shouldn’t be touching my shit.

         “You look much better Justin.” My mother lied as I stood in the doorway. I doubt a shower could make me look any better. It could have made me smell a little better but that’s about it.

         “Give me a minute, I need to get some stuff.”

         She nodded her head and left me alone. I waited until I heard her downstairs before I went into Kelly’s closet and stopped in my tracks, looking at everything in front of me. I took a deep breath as I felt the tears falling down my face and immediately regret that I’m about to leave. If anybody touches one speck of dust in this house I will personally hunt them down. I grabbed Kelly’s perfume along with a picture of the three of us and stuffed them a duffle bag.  Next I went to Lemmie’s room, or I stood in front of her door with my hand on the doorknob unable to open it.

         I haven’t been in Lemmie’s room since the funeral and the thought of going in there, looking at her lived in room scares the shit out of me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before slowly opening it and stepping inside. My eyes weren’t just tearing anymore I was sobbing.  I looked around quickly, digging through the room looking for her extra blankie. Kelly got her two because the first one got so dirty and Lemmie wouldn’t let us wash it. So Kelly decided it would be best if we had one to switch out. I put one of her blankies in the coffin with Lemmie, and now I have the other.  After I finally found it I brought it to my nose and took a long whiff before quickly walking out and closing the door, falling to the ground.

         I’m dealing with each of their deaths different. For Kelly, I find myself sneaking into her closet just to be around her smell. I’ve spent the whole day in there just taking in her scent. As for Lemmie, I find it impossible to even go near her room. Every time I pass it I speed walk by, unable to even look at the wooden letters reading her name on the door.

         I didn’t even try to straighten myself out, instead I pulled my sunglasses over my eyes and tighted my hood before heading downstairs where I found my mother sitting on the couch. She smiled weakly when she saw me. When I came down stairs and I was greeted with another hug. I’m good with the hugs; let’s try giving me space. I walked outside, stopping briefly at the empty spot where Kelly always parked her car.

         “Come on man,” I felt Lonnie’s hand on my shoulder leading me to the car. I heard a commotion at the bottom of my driveway and saw a group of those fucktards that have ruined my life. I went back to my primal instincts and found myself running down the driveway ready to kick the shit out of each and every one of them.

         It was like I had no control over my body or even my mind. The further down the driveway I got the more people I saw, camera crews, news stations, fucking magazines. They are the fucking reason my wife and daughter are in the ground and they still don’t give up. They want to get me on my first visit out of my house. I will kill them.

         I pulled at the gate, “Open the fucking gate!” I called back to my mother. Instead of opening the gate and letting me hurt the people that more than deserve to be hurt I heard Lonnie running down the driveway after me. I pulled at the gate harder; if all that is blocking me from those assholes is this dam gate they are going to have some serious problems. A sea of flashes met me and cameras were stuffed in front of me, “Yeah man, take my fucking picture. You killed my wife and my daughter and now you’re going to stand out in front of my house and take my picture? You’re going to sell my fucking face?  I’m glad I’m making for fucking good television, you piece of shit. Get the fuck out of my face. Fuck you, fuck all of you!”

         “Come on man,” Lonnie pulled me back. He’s a big man but he’s got nothing on me right now, nothing. I could easily tear right through that fence and go on a rampage-killing spree. “Come on.”

         I turned around and walked back to the car as I heard a few of them tell me how sorry they were.  That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.

         “Oh you’re sorry? You’re fucking sorry? I’ll give you something to be fucking sorry about…” I screamed. I was halfway over the fence when Lonnie pulled me back over. Everyone stopped in their tracks, no one spoke, and there were no flashes. Everyone was just in shock. It’s public ladies and gentlemen; Justin Timberlake has officially gone crazy.

        

 

 

         Being home in Tennessee is one of those bittersweet moments. I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. When I’m here I don’t have to worry about the cameras following me around trying to get a good picture. We’re on my turf here, I can easily loose them. They don’t stand a chance in the woods of Millington. The police also do their job in this state and lock those assholes up rather quickly. They better hope the police find them first and it’s not some Grandpa sitting out on his porch with his shotgun looking for trespassers.

         However, I did meet Kelly here. This was our hideaway.  This is where we took Lemmie to play out in the field and no one bothered us. This is where we met, where we fell in love. We had our first kiss in my backyard under that maple tree. This is where Lemmie was born, and where we hid out for the first six months of her life so no pictures would get out.

         There are far too many fucking memories everywhere I go. I need to go to some distant land where I’ve never been before so I can get away from all the memories. I don’t want to get away from all the memories.  I just want to be able to remember them without having this fucking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know when it’s going to go away.

         I looked out the window as we drove to my parent’s house. Everything is so quiet here. I miss that. There’s nothing out of the ordinary here… except for a girl sobbing as she’s walking down the street with a car following closely behind her. That’s not normal.

         “You think she’s alright?” I asked softly. There’s a man following behind her and a lady driving the car. I would say that’s not normal, not that I’m exactly normal at the moment but maybe they shouldn’t be following her.

         “That’s her father, its fine sweetie,” my mother answered. I guess she knows them; it doesn’t seem fine that the girl is sobbing while she’s walking down the street, but I’ll have to trust my mother on that one.  I have enough problems of my own.

         When we pulled into the driveway it took me a minute before I was able to get out of the car. I’m really sick of this feeling, it’s like I can’t even breathe anymore. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before getting out of the car and walking down the street. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t even care, all I know is that I need to be alone. I don’t like sitting around talking with people. My mother says I need to talk about it, that’s bullshit. Everyone deals with shit their own way and this is mine. Deal with it.

         I walked to the liquor store and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels keeping my sunglasses on as I waited in the short line. They know who I am, they know my story but everyone is afraid to say anything. I’m just getting those looks, those looks of sympathy. They feel so bad for me, they wish there was a way they could make me feel better. Yeah, yeah, keep your fucking looks of sympathy to yourself. I don’t need anyone feeling bad for me.

         After grabbing the bottle I walked down the street a few feet on the grass so whoever is driving by won’t notice me and send me more of those damn looks of sympathy.  It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t make it so damn obvious. I can feel their eyes on me; they stop dead in their tracks and look at me, smiles sliding right off their faces. I don’t need that shit.

         I turned down Smith Street and saw the crying girl still walking down the street this time alone with the car following after her. I’m curious about what her deal is. I have a feeling we may have a lot in common. Instead of being right in front of her I decided to cross to the other side of the road. The people in the car looked at me then at each other, turning their gaze back with the damn sympathy looks. This girl is fucking sobbing as she’s walking down the street and her parents are giving me the sympathy look. That’s fucked up.

         OK, I’ve had enough. I’m staying off the street now and going through the woods. Maybe if I keep walking I can get away from everything. I stopped when I got to an opening; the same opening Kelly and I got married in. Our wedding was perfect, we didn’t have to worry about anything and to this day no pictures from our wedding have ever been released to the public. We had a small wedding, only our family and closest friends so we didn’t have to worry about any of that shit.

         I need to stop with the fucking memories. I wish I could think of something else, anything else, but it all goes back to them. I sat down on the ground and opened the bottle of Jack Daniels, throwing my head back as I took a long swig.

         “Hey man,” I heard the voice of my best friend Trace and looked up to see him sit down next to me.

         I nodded at him before turning my gaze back to the field in front of me. Trace and I have been friends since we were kids. He was my best man, and Lemmie’s godfather even though I never had much faith in him being the religious figure in her life. It’s more of a best friend thing, plus he would have done anything to be called The Godfather. The kid’s been with me through it all, he was there the day I met Kelly and the day Lemmie was born. He was the first one I saw when I got off that plane from Orlando after they died.

         “How are you doing?” I shrugged and held the bottle of Jack out for him to take a swig. He grabbed in from my hand and took a long swig before placing it back in my hand and grabbing a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket.

         “Just like the old days, huh?” I replied weakly as I grabbed a smoke from his pack. Back when we were fourteen Trace was the one that stole a pack of cigarettes from his Gramps and we snuck out to this exact field to try them. I haven’t had another cigarette since but they’re supposed to help people deal with shit and I’ll take anything I can.

         “Yeah man,” Trace answered with a quick chuckle, “I got you covered. You beat me to it though,” he said as he held a bottle of Jack Daniels in the air.

         “You’ll have to hook me up once I get there. I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to stock up on the booze.”

         “Yeah, probably not. I’ll sneak some in for you.”

         “Just like the old days.”

 

 

         It seemed like days before I arrived at the doorstep of the bereavement center, or whatever it is that I’m at. I didn’t even try to get myself together as I stood on the porch unable to move any further. I made it this far, for the baby; I can make it the last few steps. I felt my father’s hand on my shoulder and placed my hand on my belly before walking in slowly.

         We were greeted by smiles, although I was unable to smile back. Instead, I stayed close to my father as we were led into a room at the end of a hallway with two single beds. There was a small window with white curtains and a view of a small field and the woods. I claimed the bed closest to the window and took a deep breath before sitting down. I looked at my mother, then my father, then back out the window. No one seems to know what’s going on and I’m having a hard time figuring out how this is supposed to make me feel better.

         “Well let’s see,” my mother said as she sat down at the desk and grabbed the packet of papers. I feel like I’m back in college, this whole place is set up like a dorm. Why are there desks? Are we going to get homework? “It says there’s a few counseling sessions each day, but you’ll have a lot of time to talk to other people going through what you’re going through.”

         “Really mom? I would love to meet the other people whose husband died because he was trying to swerve out of the way so she wouldn’t get hurt. Oh, and if I could find another one that’s pregnant with his baby then that’d be great.”

         “Sweetie, I know it’s hard…”

         “You don’t really know how hard it is,” I broke in. I’m so sick of everybody pretending they understand. They don’t. They just look at me with those damn looks of sympathy, like they’re so sorry for me and they know it’s hard. They don’t know shit, “But these people do, right? That’s why I’m here?”

         She didn’t have anything else to say. That’s the first time I’ve snapped at her, but I’m sick of her assuming she understands everything. I took a deep breath and fell back on the bed. All I want to do is go back to my house and lay in my bed. This is bullshit if anyone thinks this is supposed to help me. It hasn’t been that long; I think I still have a year or so before people are worried.  But then there’s this baby growing inside me. That’s a weird thing to get my mind around. I still don’t think it’s hit me yet.

         “Well…” my mother started talking again and I closed my eyes, “Why don’t we help you unpack?”

         “No, I’m fine. I’ll do it.” this is the most time I’ve been with people in a long time. I can’t handle it.

         “We’ll leave you alone and let you get settled,” my father spoke up. He’s always been the one that knows what I need. My mother’s always kind of pushy and in your face, but my father can tell I need space.

         “You can call us if you need anything. We’ll be back to visit in a few days.”

         You mean I can call? I feel like I’m in prison, I’m actually able to use a phone? “I’ll be fine.” Even though there is no doubt in my mind that I will not be fine, I still have this weird need to make my parents believe I’m not suffering as much as I am. I don’t know why. 

         Finally they left me alone and I fell back down on the bed. I dare not venture out to the common areas; I like it much better in this room by myself. Of they’re going to make me leave my room at home I’ll just stay in this room here.

 

 

         This place is like a fucking prison.  There are so many people here smiling. They can’t be the fucking patients, am I a patient? I don’t even know why the fuck I’m here. There is no possible way this is going to help me. No possible way.  The lady leading me to my room is fucking crazy. She keeps looking back at me and smiling. What does she think this is?

         “Here you go Mr. Timberlake, your private room.”

         I walked past her and into the room, throwing my bag on the desk. This place really is like a prison. There are two twin beds, two desks and two small dressers. I haven’t slept in a bed this small since I was seven. And this is supposed to make me feel better? I highly doubt that. I took a deep breath and fell on one of the beds, adjusting the hood that was covering my head so I could breathe. So this is what hell must be like.

         “What do I have to do?” I asked my mother even though I already know the answer, I don’t have to do anything.  I know there’s some kind of group therapy session as well as the one on one bullshit that I’ve been doing for the past five months. My mother read through the papers and explained everything to me, at least I assume that’s what she’s doing I’m not really listening. I’m just going to lay here and pretend I’m trying so she can sleep at night. I will be locking myself in this room for at least the majority of my time here. I do know that for a fact.

 Maybe I can just pretend I’m cured so I can go back home to my house that still smells like my girls. What if it doesn’t smell like them anymore when I get back? What if everything is so different I don’t even recognize it? What if I forget their smell all together? I can’t have that. I can’t even fucking think about that.

“Justin?” my mother’s soft voice spoke and I looked up to see her standing over me, “I’m going to get going. There’s a get to know everyone dinner in about an hour. I really think you should go.”

“Yeah Ma, I’ll go.” I’m definitely not going to a fucking get to know you dinner. I’m also not going to the ice cream social or the fucking Rocking Bowl craziness that is tomorrow night. I’m here, that’s about as much as they’re going to get.

“It would be good for you to leave this room Justin, it’s better to get your mind off everything.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Does she really think going to a fucking get to know you dinner will get the death of my wife and daughter off my mind? “At least try sweetie, it won’t hurt to try. You’ll see there’s a lot of other people going through similar situations, and together you’ll get through it.”

Now my mother is writing fucking Hallmark cards. “I’m fine Ma, I’ll go.”

“Well alright. They said no visitors tomorrow, but I’ll come by the next day. You can call me if you need anything, alright sweetie?”

“I can call? They’re not going to take my phone away?” this is prison, isn’t it?

“Of course not sweetie. Take care; try to make the most out of this situation sweetie. I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too. Bye Ma.” I opened my eyes realizing how worried she really is and stood up to give her a hug. “I’ll be fine Ma, don’t worry.”

She nodded her head and I watched as a single tear fell down her face. And now even my mother is doing it, she’s giving me that goddamn look of sympathy. 

 

         Night number one sucks. First of all, there isn’t any air conditioning. If there is it’s on as low as possible. I’m sweating as I’m laying here on the most uncomfortable twin bed I’ve ever been on. I thought I successfully graduated out of the dorm room hell.  There is literally a spring poking into my back.  They could make these things a little nicer if I’m supposed to spend my days dealing with my shit. I shouldn’t have to worry about the little stuff, like how ugly this place is.

         I now have a roommate, a forty something that cries nonstop.  I know I shouldn’t be complaining about someone who cries nonstop, since I was doing that exact thing a few hours ago, but all she does is sob. I can’t take it. This is not going to make me feel better.

         “Dinner will be served in ten minutes, please make your way to the dining room.” I looked up at the wall and saw a speaker system, just like the ones we had in elementary school.  That’s kind of weird.

         I jumped out of bed as fast as I could and headed down to the dining room. Since I have no idea where it is I figure I should start early. My new roomie is driving me crazy so I’ll take anything as an excuse to get out of that room. It doesn’t seem like anyone else is in as big of a rush as I am, but I’m starving and that might have something to do with this kid growing inside me.

         When I made it to the dining room I grabbed a plate and started through the line. It doesn’t look all that appetizing but I’ll take anything at this point. There’s no one else here, I don’t know why. I sat in the corner of the big table and started to dig in, there’s no need to sit and wait. It’s not my fault no one else is down here yet.

         A counselor sat down at the table with me. I knew she was a counselor because she was smiling and the only people that smile here are counselors. “Hi, can I sit? I’m Ali.”

         “Hi, I’m Delia,” I answered softly as I continued stuffing my face. 

         “Delia, you’re pregnant.” I nodded my head. I don’t really want to talk to her I just want to eat. There’s nowhere for me to go. If I come out here to eat the counselors attack me but if I go back to my room I’m stuck with the crier. “Congratulations.”

         Congratulations? Really? Yeah, congratulations. I can’t even take care of myself, which is pretty obvious since I’m here, and now I’m supposed to take care of a baby too. She should tell me good luck.  I nodded my head instead of answering and then continued eating. I’m really not in the mood to talk to her, or anyone for that matter.

Why am I the only one down here? They did say dinner was ready. I didn’t just imagine that. “How many people are here?”

She gave me a strange look before answering. I guess she was talking that whole time. “There are eleven.” I nodded my head again and looked around the empty dining room. “The first night is usually the toughest. It will get easier.”

“It’s been three months, not exactly the first night.” Now I’m being a bitch to this lady I don’t even know. What is getting into me? Chase would not want me to be like this but I can’t help it.

“The first night here. Tomorrow after breakfast we’ll have a mandatory group session. That will help everyone get to know each other. It’s a long process, but by the end of this everything will be much better.” I nodded my head again, not because I agree with her but because I think if I pretend I do she’ll leave me alone. Luckily a few other people slowly joined the dining room so I took that as my chance to escape.

I walked right by my room when I heard the crier from the hallway. I’m not sure exactly where I’m going but I guess I’ll look around this place. Maybe I can find a good secret hideout where I can be alone.

 

“Once again, dinner is now being served in the dining room. The dining room is located in the middle of the building. Walk down whatever hallway your room is located in and you will get there.” I can’t believe they have a fucking intercom system in this place. What’s next? Are we going to have to form a buddy line and walk down together hand in hand? Obviously I don’t want to go down to fucking dinner but if I did I would not need directions to the middle of the fucking shit hole of a building.

I’m not hungry. I haven’t been hungry in six months and I sure as hell am not going to willingly go down to the dining room to eat with a group of people who are about as fucked up as I am.  I grabbed the bottle of Jack from my suitcase and took a long swig, swallowing it hard. It’s just starting to get dark out now which is a good sign. That means day number one is over. That’s an accomplishment, even though I’ve only been here a couple hours. This is hell. I could leave. I could just grab my shit and walk out, never turning back.

I need to give it a chance. No matter how much I hate this bullshit, I need to at least try. I can’t feel this way for the rest of my life. I won’t last. I stood in front of the window, looking out into the woods just past the yard. At least there’s the option of running away if necessary. They’d never catch me in the woods.

There goes that sobbing girl, the one from the street. I should have known she’d be here. At least she’s not crying. She looks like she’s ready to make her escape. She’s just walking through the yard like aliens are abducting her. I don’t think she has any idea what she’s doing.  I wonder what her story is.

She wasn’t looking where she was going and slipped in a puddle of mud, falling flat on her back. I’d laugh if I remembered how. She’s not getting up though; she’s just lying there. I opened the window and called out to her, “Are you alright?”

She turned her head to look where the voice was coming from, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? I mean you’re not moving.”

“Yes!” she answered back in a bitchy tone. Fuck, excuse me for trying to be nice. “Why are you watching me?”

“I’m not,” I spoke with an attitude as well, “I heard a fucking bang and then I saw you on the ground. Next time I’ll just let it go.”

“Yeah, let it go.”

What a bitch. I closed the window and fell back on my bed. If this place is full of crazy bitches like this one I’m not going to last two days. I lay back in bed and waited. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, I guess for the night to be over. This place is going to help me. Right now, I feel like this place is going to fuck me up even more. The only other human I’ve seen is this girl that walked however many miles to the place sobbing. That’s not going to make me feel better. She’s walking aimlessly through the yard and falls on her back. Instead of getting up like a normal person she spends the next two hours lying on the ground looking at the sky.  This is going to be very interesting. I guess it helps me realize that I’m not the most fucked up person here. That’s always a good sign.

 

 

It’s pitch black. When did that happen? I should probably go back inside before they turn the porch light off and I’m stranded completely.  Actually I’d love to be stranded. I'd do anything to get away from the crier. I walked right past my room once again. She’s been sobbing for hours straight, how do you even have that many tears? I guess I shouldn’t ask stupid questions. After three months I still have tears. Maybe she just lost someone.

Now where am I going to go? I can’t stay outside lying in a mud puddle for the night. There’s a living room area with a couch, which will have to do. I took a deep breath and fell down to the couch. I have no idea what to do with myself. It’s like I’m trapped in this place. If I were home I’d be doing nothing, but it’s so different. I want to go home.

I heard the front door open and didn’t move until the scent of pizza reached my nose. I turned my gaze to the man delivering a pizza and waited a few minutes after he left to follow the scent and try to get some pizza for myself. This whole being pregnant thing is making my sense of smell extra strong, especially when there’s pizza involved.

My nose led me to the last room down the other hall. There was no noise coming from the room, definitely no crying like what’s going on in my room. I knocked softly and heard a man sigh with annoyance before slowly walking to the door. “What?” he asked after opening the door, standing with his arms crossed around his chest.

“Can I have a piece?”

He looked at me for a second; giving me one of those looks trying to figure out if I was serious. Of course I’m serious. Instead of answering he walked back into his room. He didn’t close the door so I followed him inside, right to the pizza box. I grabbed a piece as soon as he opened the box and sat down on the empty bed across from him.

I’m sure he’s wondering who the hell I am, especially since I yelled at him a few hours ago when I fell outside. “Thank you,” I replied softly. He didn’t answer, or make any kind of movement, he just continued looking at the pizza he was eating. “I’m sorry if I was bitchy before, I’m just really fucked up right now.”

He nodded his head, “You were, there’s no if.”

“Well…” he could be a little nicer, at least I apologized. “Like I said, sorry I’m a little fucked up.”

“We’re all fucked up, that’s why we’re here. It’s not an excuse to be a bitch.”

He’s a jerk. I’m not going to waste my time and energy fighting with this asshole. “Sure, some of us more are more fucked up than others,” I have him a dirty look and grabbed another piece of pizza.

“Clearly,” he said looking into the box of pizza.

“OK then,” I said as I stood up and grabbed a couple more pieces before heading to the door, “Thanks for the pizza.”

He’s such a jerk. This is why I don’t talk to anybody. I was trying to apologize and be a nice person and he’s acting like I punched his mother in the face. Granted, he did share his pizza with me so I guess I can’t complain that much. I’m just not in the mood to deal with anyone.

When I got back to my room the crier was asleep, thank god. I crawled into bed, pulling the covers over my head and waited a whole two minutes before the snoring started. I pulled the covers down and watched her snore, and then wake up and start crying again. She’s always either crying or snoring. Wonderful.

Instead of laying there and dealing with it like a normal adult I took a deep breath, grabbed my pillow and the blanket and headed back to the couch. If I’m going to make it through my first night in this hellhole I’m going to need to get some sleep. It’ll go by faster if I’m asleep, it has to.

 

 

“Breakfast is now being served in the dining room, immediately followed by the first group session.”

 

Why the fuck do they feel the need to wake me up at 8 o’clock in the morning with a fucking intercom?  A nice tap on the door would be sufficient enough. Or how about an alarm clock? Those things work wonders.  I pulled the pillow over my head. There is no way in hell that I’m going to go sit down there and listen to everybody else’s problems.

I am a grown man, when I’m hungry I’ll eat. I don’t need anybody telling me when I’m supposed to eat. This whole place is just fucked up.  I haven’t see another human being in this place except for the girl that eats my pizza and yells at me for trying to make sure she’s still alive when she’s laying in the field for hours at a time.  Are there even other fucking people here? I hear the voice of God over the intercom but that’s about it.

I guess I’d see the rest of the people if I were going to the group session. That’s not going to happen. If the one on one therapy did shit why the hell would having to share the time with a whole group of crazies help.  So instead of getting my ass out of bed I’m going to spend my day the way I would have spent it if I were still home, in bed.

I did manage to fall back asleep. I don’t know, I either have complete insomnia or I can sleep for days at a time. It’s much easier for everyone if I sleep all day, at least then I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. Although, I do have some fucked up dreams that are sometimes even worse than actually thinking.  It was all fine until that tap on my door. Apparently this place was made before fucking locks because they just walked right in.

“There’s a mandatory session taking place in the conference room in five minutes Mr. Timberlake.”

“I’m not going, I’m asleep. Thanks though.” Assholes. They can see I’m asleep, leave me the fuck alone.

“Mr. Timberlake, you’re here to get help and we can’t help you if you don’t let us. The session will only be an hour.”

“I was told I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.”

“You have to go to the mandatory sessions, Mr. Timberlake. Everyone does. If you’re not ready to participate you can sit outside the circle. There is another client that is not ready to participate. It’s important for you to at least sit in and understand the process.  You’ll be able to sit in and listen to see that everyone’s going through the same thing.”

Why the fuck would I want to sit around and listen to the other crazies problems? This lady is driving me fucking crazy already and it’s only the first full day. “Anyone else out there have their wife and two year old daughter die in a car crash because of  what they do for a living? I doubt it, I think I’m the only one there so until there’s someone like me, I’m going to stay here in bed. Thanks though.”

“Mr. Timberlake, everybody out there blames themselves at one time or another. It’s perfectly normal Mr. Timberlake, but you’re here to get better and lying in bed all day is not going to help anything. This is the only mandatory meeting. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing you certainly don’t have to. After this first meeting you do not have to go to any other session if you don’t feel like it will help. We’ll work together to come to some other kind of arrangement.”

For some strange reason I stood up and walked down the hall to the conference room. I don’t know why, it was like I couldn’t even control myself, like some force was making me do it.

The session had already started. People were sitting on folding chairs in a circle. Some were crying, some were praying, some were paying close attention to the person speaking. This is the first time I’ve seen the other people, except of course for Pizza Girl. I noticed her first, sitting outside of the circle hugging her legs and looking into space. She tends to do that a lot, phase out completely. Maybe I should try that, it could be calming. Although she’s here too so it can’t be the secret cure.

Everyone went around the circle sharing their sob stories. I don’t know how this is supposed to make me feel better. This girl’s crying because her 97-year-old grandfather died. Was she surprised that that would happen? He was 97. That doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel worse actually because he got 97 years on this earth and my daughter got 2. Let’s move on. The next guy is here because he just found out his ex-girlfriend passed away. The problem, of course, is that this girl was his high school sweetheart, fifty fucking years ago that he hasn’t seen in fifty fucking years. This is complete bullshit.

I looked over at Pizza Girl who was still looking into space. I kind of wish she was sitting in that circle so I could find out what her story is. All I know is she likes pizza, laying in the mud for hours at a time and has some kind of a problem with driving in cars. I feel like she may be one of the normal ones here, and that says a lot about everybody else. 

 

 

“Delia. Delia,” I heard my name being called and jumped a little before turning to see I was now the only one in the conference room fr the group session. There were people here but now there’s no one except the counselor calling my name. I don’t know how I phased out enough not even to realize it was over. But I did go to the session like I was asked to. No one said anything about me actually paying attention. “It’s time for lunch.”

“Oh, lunch.” I stood up and headed to the dining room. I hope it’s something good. Who am I kidding? I’ll eat anything.  I went through the line, filling my plate with a sandwiches, salads, and lots of chips before looking around to find a place to sit. I wish they didn’t have a big table like they do; I’d much rather just sit at a small table by myself. I could go to my room but I’m going to want seconds and it’s a pain to go back and forth.

I looked around the room for the Pizza Guy but he’s nowhere to be found. I bet he’s in his room eating more pizza. I want pizza. It’s not fair that he gets pizza all the time and we get stuck with this gross shit. I hate when they put mayo on all the sandwiches, mayo usually makes me gag but I’m hungry so I’ll still eat it.  I think I’ll go see if the Pizza Asshole can spare a slice.

I did knock on the door although I could have easily just walked in since they don’t seem to believe in locks here. “What?” he shouted from inside the room. Jeez, and he calls me a bitch. “What? I went to the fucking meeting; I sat there through the whole damn thing. Don’t tell me I have to fucking eat with…” he stopped when he came to the door and saw me, “Sorry, I thought you were…”

“Do you have pizza?” I didn’t let him finish. I didn’t come here to talk. I came here for pizza.

“Do I have pizza?” he repeated sounding very confused, “Now?” I nodded my head, “No? I had pizza last night…”

“Do you have any left?”

“No.” He’s looking at me like I have ten heads. I don’t think I’m asking anything too strange.

“None?”

“No. No pizza. Sorry.”

“This food sucks.”

“You could order a pizza.” I could order a pizza. That would be smart.

“I don’t think I have money.” I could have money. I’ll have to go check, and then I’ll have to call my dad and see if he can come bring me some pizza or some money. “Are we allowed to leave?”

“We’re not in prison.”

He has a point. A very good point. “So I can leave and go get some money and a pizza?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know probably. That’s a long walk though, no? We’re kind of in the middle of nowhere.” What’s that supposed to mean? Does he know I won’t go in a car? How does he know that? What do they send out a pamphlet to everyone stating all my issues? “You don’t have a car, do you?” I shook my head, “I can spot you some money to order a pizza.”

I don’t want him to buy me a pizza. I don’t even know him. “You don’t want pizza?”

“I just had it last night.”

“So did I.”

“I’m aware. Apparently you like pizza a little more than I do.”

“How do you not like pizza? It’s like the best thing in the…”

“I like pizza,” he cut me off, “I’m a big pizza fan but I’m not really interested in eating it for every meal.”

“We could order something else, like Chinese food.”

He gave me a very strange look, “I thought you don’t have any money.”

“I thought you were going to spot me.”

I think he might have laughed a little. I haven’t seen someone laugh in a long time so I’m not positive, but it kind of looked like it.  He turned around and walked back into his room but I followed him. I’m not sure if I was supposed to but he didn’t close the door and I’m not exactly done with this conversation. “How about we suffer through the lunch and order something for dinner if it sucks?”

I sat down on the empty bed and stuffed some chips in my mouth, “OK, fine.” I’ll take it. I’d rather order pizza now and Chinese for dinner but I guess I can’t complain since I don’t think I have any money.

“You want a drink?” he asked holding a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.  I do want a drink, very badly, but I do know better. There is this… thing growing inside me. So instead of grabbing the bottle from his hand I just shook my head and grabbed the bottle of water I stuffed in my sweatshirt pocket.

“I’m all out of chips.” He didn’t say anything; instead he just handed over his plate that was full of chips. He’s smarter than I am; he had two plates, one for his sandwiches and one with an amazing combination of chips. “My name is Delia… by the way.”

“Justin.”

“Thanks for the chips Justin.”

He nodded his head and lay on the bed, drinking his Jack Daniels. I don’t know if that should be my cue to leave but I don’t want to. To tell you the truth this is kind of a hideaway here. It’s much better than my bedroom with the sobbing lady. So I’m going to stay until he tells me to leave.

I laid down on the other bed, eating the chips and looking out the window. I stayed in the room for a while. Neither of us said another word to each other, but it was the first time since the accident that I felt like I was able to breathe again. I almost felt calm, like I finally found someone that understood what I was going through. I don’t know how true that is since I still don’t know his whole story. I kind of like not knowing. I like that he’s not asking me about why I’m here. And more importantly, he’s the first person that hasn’t told me how sorry they are since it happened.  

 

Pizza girl left. I don’t know exactly where she went, all I know is they called her name over the intercom of doom and she actually got up and left. Of course she took my plate of chips with her. It’s not that I care but she just grabbed the plate and left. There’s something weird going on with her. It’s like she’s always hungry or eating. And what’s with her obsession with pizza? Crazy people here, I’m telling you.

I, by no means, think she’s not sane. In fact, she’s probably one of the craziest ones here. I say that based on the whole inability to drive in a car to start. Then there’s the constant quest for pizza, and lying in mud for hours at a time. She’s in no way normal, but I do think she is one of the more rational ones here.

She did make me laugh a little, if you could call it a laugh. I was caught of guard, but she’s crazy.  I kind of like having her around though. It’s good to have someone around me that’s not asking questions. It’s kind of refreshing. Plus the fact that she phases out every few minutes give me the piece and quiet without feeling quite as lonely. 

I expected her to come back but she didn’t.  The rest of the afternoon I spent in bed just thinking. That’s dangerous, I’m good when I’m left alone with my thoughts. I wish I could think of something else, anything else, but I can’t. Everything always goes back to Kelly and Lemmie. The one thing I got from that group session and the countless therapy sessions I’ve been forced to go to is that everything will get easier. Everyone says I’ll get to the point where I can remember the good times we had together instead of just remembering that they’re gone. It’s so fucking scary to think that they’re gone. Sometimes I feel like I’m away on tour and when I go back home Lemmie will come running into my arms and Kelly will be standing there with that smile she always had on her face. They say I’ll just wake up one day and get to the point that thinking about them doesn’t hurt so much. When the fuck am I going to get to that point?

When the voice of doom came over the intercom again it was to tell everyone dinner was being served. I didn’t exactly have much of an appetite but I decided to go down there anyway because I knew if there was food Pizza Girl would be there.  Surprisingly she wasn’t there. I’m beginning to think she got out, or escaped… or maybe I should check if she’s outside lying in the mud again.  Instead of going back to my room I decided to suck it up and actually sit down with the rest of the crazies and eat the slop they’re trying to pass off as food. Sure, there is a big possibility I waited because I’m wondering what happened to her.

I didn’t eat much, except for a couple tater tots. I’m not used to eating when people tell me to. I’m one of those crazy people that eat when they’re hungry instead of when I’m told it’s time. It’s depressing down here with all these people. It’s depressing everywhere. I think it may actually be less depressing when I’m in my room. I don’t even know, my whole life sucks right now.

This food tastes like shit and I can’t sit here anymore so I’m going back to my room hopefully to sleep and get away from my thoughts.

Surprisingly enough I actually fell asleep and woke up to a pitch-black room. I reached over and turned on the light so I could check the time, 10:00. Damn, now I’m really going to be fucked up with this sleep thing. Of course, now I’m hungry. Guess it’s pizza again since that’s about the only thing that delivers and will be open now. It’s tough to get used to everything closing so early here after being in California for so long. Basically I can get food any time there, not so much here.

I need a walk, so I headed down to the front to meet the guy at the door. I know it’s going to be a little while before the pizza is delivered but I could use some fresh air. There were some rocking chairs on the porch if I remember correctly. I walked by the couch and then turned around when I realized there’s someone sleeping on it, with a pillow and blanket. It’s not like she just fell asleep on the couch, this was planned. Of course its Pizza Girl, who else would it be?

         Why is she sleeping on the couch? That doesn’t make much sense. I shouldn’t ask questions, she does seem to sleep in weird places, and this is better than a puddle of mud. She’s making steps. I don’t want to wake her because I know how hard it is to actually fall asleep with all the things going through her mind, at least if she’s anything like me. She must be, she’s here for a reason. I’m sure she’ll wake up when she smells the pizza anyway; she’s got a sense of smell like a dog. That’s probably not something I should stay out loud.

         I went out on the porch to wait for the pizza and get some fresh air. It feels good to get outside. It’s hard to even explain how good it feels to be able to sit outside and not have to worry about some asshole hiding in the bushes to take my picture. I might have to stay here in Tennessee for as long as I can.

         When I went back inside with the pizza I was surprised she didn’t wake up right away. I stood to the side of the couch for a few seconds before she got up. It was kind of funny actually, she took a couple whiffs before she even woke up and then shot up and opened her eyes quickly.

         “Why are you sleeping on the couch?” I asked before she could say anything.

         “My roommate snores and cries and snores and cries and… did you get pizza again?”

         “I did. You know, I have my own room.”

         “I know, you’re lucky. No snoring and crying. Can I have a piece?”

         “I’m saying I have an extra bed. You could stay in there instead of sleeping on the couch.”

         “Do you snore?”

         “I don’t snore.”

         She bit at her lip before answering, “OK. Can I have a piece of pizza?”

         “Yes, relax with the pizza.” I grabbed her pillow and headed back to my room. She better not keep me up all night.

         “Thank you, Justin,” she said as she threw her blanket on the bed and opened the pizza box the second I put it on the table.

         I nodded my head and grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniel’s from under my bed, “Want to get drunk?”

         “Yes, more than anything,” she took a huge bite from her pizza as if she hasn’t eaten in three years, “I can’t though. Thanks anyway.”

         “You can’t?”

         “Yeah, I can’t.”

         “Why can’t you?” I probably shouldn’t have asked that. She could be an alcoholic or maybe someone died drunk driving…

         “I’ve got this… thing growing inside me. They seem to frown upon alcohol consumption.”

         “A thing? You mean you’re pregnant?” she nodded her head as a response, “Congratulations.”

         “Yeah, yeah that’s what they say,” she said before grabbing another piece of pizza and lying on the bed, “Next time we should get breadsticks too and maybe some chicken wings.”

 

“How far along are you?”

“Like three months, a little more. Maybe extra cheese too because there’s hardly any on it this time.”

Obviously she doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t understand how she’s not excited. God, when Kelly told me she was pregnant we couldn’t stop screaming for days. I don’t think I stopped smiling for the first four months.  “That explains a lot.”

“Cause I’m always eating? Yeah, I’m not just a pig I have an excuse.”

“Is this your first?”

She nodded her head and pulled her hood over her head, “I don’t mean to be a bitch but I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine, sorry.” I should learn to take the hint and let it go.  I get interested in kids, or I guess the thought of someone having a kid. I never thought I’d be like that but I guess it comes with being a father. I can’t take the silence though, I’ll tell you that. It gets me thinking again about Lemmie and Kelly and how beautiful she looked when she told me she was pregnant. “You missed dinner though.”

“No, my dad came and he took me out. There’s this little diner down the street within walking distance. It’s really good. We could go there sometime for dinner. I have money now.”

I nodded my head, “Well you missed out. We had some good slop here.”

“You’d think they’d have good food here. I mean, we pay enough.”

“What’d you get?”

“Mozzarella sticks and a cheeseburger and fries with a chocolate shake and a hot fudge sundae.”

“Two desserts?”

“Yeah. I’m eating for two now, I get two desserts.”

“Kelly used to say that.” I answered softly. She never ate much more than usual while she was pregnant, but when it came to desserts she always had two. I think it was just an excuse to be able to have double the desserts but she swore up and down that she had to have two because she was eating for two. That didn’t explain why only had one portion of green beans or broccoli.  “What are you here for anyway?”

Delia finished chewing and placed the piece of pizza on her lap before holding her left hand in the air so I could see her wedding band, “What about you?”

I held my left hand up as well, “And my daughter.”

“Damn. How old?”

“Two.”

She shook her head and I was preparing myself for her to tell me she’s sorry but she never did.  I guess she knows what it feels like to always have everyone tell you how sorry they are. It’s weird that someone actually knows how that feels, I’m not used to that. “Sometimes I think I did something in a past life that I’m being punished for. Do you ever think that? Like, I feel like I did something incredibly bad that God’s punishing me for.”

“Oh, I don’t believe in God anymore.”

“You don’t believe in God?”

“No,” I shook my head, “If there was a God he wouldn’t have taken them. Kelly was like a fucking angel, she never hurt anyone. She went out of her way all the time to help other people. And Lemmie… she was only fucking two years old. She didn’t have enough time to live. She sure as hell didn’t do anything she should get punished like that for. I don’t know, if there is a God I don’t think I want anything to do with a God that let that happen to them.”

Delia licked her lips before speaking, “I have to believe in God. The thought of Chase being anywhere other than heaven just...” she cut off and placed her pizza on the table before turning her back to me.

I don’t know why I even brought it up. Sometimes it’s better just not to talk about it. Now we’re both back to feeling like shit again.  “Are you done with the pizza?”

“Yeah,” she answered in a whisper. She’s obviously crying, good job Justin. Way to go.  I put the pizza in the mini fridge before climbing back into bed and turning off the light. Now’s the time I wish there were televisions in this place. I’m not even a little tired and I really don’t want to lay her in the dark and let my mind run wild.

“I think we’re the only normal ones here.” I spoke up; I hope she’s not sleeping yet.

“Really?” she answered softly, “I don’t find myself very normal right now.”

“Yeah, well me neither. But we’re definitely not as crazy as the other people. Were you listening to the other people at the group session?”

“No, I was kind of phased out.”

“Yeah, you were. You have to teach me how to do that.”

“How to phase out?” she let out a quick half laugh, “I don’t know, I’ve always been a good phaser outer.”

“Phaser outer? You just made that up.”

“I did not! It’s real. You could look it up.”

“I can look it up? Really? You’re telling me the term phaser outer can be found in Webster’s Dictionary.”

“Sure, if it’s a good dictionary. I bet it’ll be in there.”

“Oh, you bet huh? What are we betting?”

“A pizza.” She answered, of course she would bet a pizza, “I’ll bet you a pizza it’s in there.”

“Alright kid, you got yourself a bet.”  She’s done talking. I can’t take the fucking silence, it drives me crazy. “Pizza with extra cheese and chicken wings.”

“You talk a lot.”

“You can have the snorer and the crier or a talker, your choice.”

Delia took a deep breath, “That’s fine but it’s like four in the morning, don’t you sleep?”

“I slept this afternoon. And it’s not four in the morning, it’s two.”

“Same thing. Breakfast is in six hours. I need to sleep before breakfast. What if I don’t wake up?”

I had to laugh at that, she’s so worried she’ll miss breakfast like it would be the end of the world. “Seriously all you think about is food. The intercom of doom will wake you up. I don’t know why you want to wake up for that slop anyway. If you stay up and talk with me now we’ll go down to that diner and get a real breakfast in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“OK, fine. Let’s talk. What’s your favorite movie?” 

 

         Justin sure does talk a lot. I’m pretty sure he was still talking when I fell asleep. He doesn’t like the silence, I can’t say I blame him but seriously people usually tend to sleep at some point during the night. I get that the silence is hard, but it doesn’t really count as silence if you’re sleeping.

         I don’t know what time it is now because he got rid of the clock on the nightstand. What I do know is that it’s way past breakfast time because I vaguely remember waking up when they announced it on the intercom before Justin stood up on his bed and pulled some wire out of the intercom. We shouldn’t have that problem anymore.

         “Justin,” I whispered his name. I don’t want to wake him up but my stomach is definitely grumbling, I could use that breakfast some time soon. “Justin.” I called out louder this time.

         He turned his back to me and pulled the pillow over his head instead of answering me.

         “No, you don’t get to go back to sleep. Maybe if you went to sleep like a normal human being at a normal time you wouldn’t be tired now. But no, you had to stay up all night chit chatting.”

         Justin chuckled before turning back to face me, “You sound like a mother already. What’s wrong D? Let me guess, you’re hungry.”

         “Maybe. You said that we’d go get breakfast in the morning.”

         “I’m not going to back out of the promise. I just think we could wait a little longer,” he yawned.

         I shook my head and stood up, pulling the hoodie over my head. I’m ready to go. “Come onnn,” I whined as I sat down on the edge of his bed, “Seriously, the baby is hungry.”

         “Oh, ok you’re going to use that huh?” he asked as he sat up in bed.

         “Sure, if it’ll work I will. I’m really hungry.”

         “I know. I’m ready.” He said as he grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it over his head. I followed him down the hall, no one is around anywhere. It’s difficult for me to really understand how this place works. I understand that we’re supposed to do all this group counseling stuff but I’m not sure where I really fit in. it’s not that I don’t want to go to the group sessions, I’m not exactly ready to spill everything to perfect strangers. Maybe I’ll be ready soon. For now I’ll just hide out in Justin’s room until they make me.

         “So, did you sleep alright?”

         “Yeah, thanks,” I nodded my head, “I’ll take your talking over the crier any time.”

         “How far is this place? Should we get a ride?”

         I shook my head quickly, “It’s right down the street.  Do we have to tell anyone we’re leaving?”

         “Nah,” Justin said as I followed him outside. “We’re fine.”

         We didn’t really talk as we walked to the diner. I’m surprised he was able to spend ten minutes without talking. I know he can’t keep his mouth shut when it’s late and I’m trying to go to bed. I guess this is different.

 

 

         The diner wasn’t too far. It’s good to know there a place this close that we can get some real food. It’s nothing special, just one of those old diners that you have to wait for service while the waitress is out front smoking her cigarettes.  We used to go to diners like this all the time, Kelly and me.  She used to love the way they made the cherry coke with actual cherry syrup.

         “What are you thinking?” I asked Delia to break my thoughts.

         “Huh? Oh,” she looked up from the menu, “Probably just an omelet.”

         The waitress came and plopped two cups of coffee on the table, “What do you want?” she asked as if we were interrupting her from her next smoke break.

         “Um, not coffee,” Delia gave her a dirty look and pushed the cup away, “I want an omelet with bacon, cheese, mushrooms and potatoes.”

         “Potatoes?”

         “Yeah. Like home fries.”

         “We can’t do that…”

         “You can’t put home fries in the omelet? Why not?”

         I leaned back, ready to enjoy the show. Delia really didn’t strike me as the kind of girl that would start shit with an obnoxious waitress. I definitely don’t blame her but it could be fun to watch.

         “Like, you want the home fries that come on the side inside your omelet?”

         “Yeah but then I like, also want some on the side too,” she mimicked. I felt a smile slide on my face. This is good stuff.

         “What kind of toast?”

         “Cinnamon with butter on the side. Then I want the chocolate chip pancakes.”

         “Too? Like you want both?”

         I laughed out loud at that one, it’s good to be able to laugh again. “Yeah, she wants both. You ready for me?  I want the Country Boy Breakfast with scrambled eggs.”

         “Wait, I’m not done,” she stopped the waitress from walking away, “A drink. I want a strawberry shake.”

         The waitress rolled her eyes before scribbling in her pad and walking away. “Just an omelet huh?”

         “Two people. I’m eating for two.”

         “Oooh yeah, live it up.” I poured some sugar in my coffee and looked up when I heard D tapping her fingers.

         “She’s kind of a moron huh? Like it’s impossible to put potatoes in an omelet.”

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head, “This is a cool place though, nice and close… cheap.”

         “I know, it’s good there’s this little place within walking distance.  There’s a cupcake place next to the hardware store.  My dad said it just opened but they’re like floating on air.”

         I waited a minute before asking the question. I’m curious, as hell and I need to at least ask her. “So you don’t do cars?”

         “No.”

         “Why not?”

         “Why? I don’t get the big deal. A lot of people don’t do cars.”

         “Oh yeah?” she nodded her head, “Like who?”

         “Amish people, to start. People in New York or London… big cities.”

         “We’re not really in a big city,” I interrupted but she ignored me completely and kept talking.

         “Cowboys. People in the Amazon. Do I really need to keep going?”

         “Yes,” I smiled. She is kind of fun to fuck with.

         “People in Alaska don’t use cars, they have snowmobiles.”

         “You’ve got a point but we don’t have snowmobiles here… or canoes or a horse and buggy… or even a subway.”

         Delia shrugged as the waitress pushed her strawberry shake in front of her. “Maybe I’m just really into saving the environment and don’t want to produce unnecessary emissions.”

         I took a sip from my coffee and nodded my head. I should just let it go; obviously she doesn’t want to tell me. “I saw you before we got here. You were walking down the street with the car following you and…”

         “My husband,” she broke in before looking into her milkshake, “we were in a car and we crashed. That’s how he…” she trailed off, “And ever since I can’t…”

         I should have known that was why. Why the fuck did I have to go and bring that up? What else could it have possibly been. I need to start thinking more, or better yet actually follow through with what I’m thinking and learn when to shut up. “Shit, I’m sorry I…”

         Delia looked up at me, “You never… said you were sorry. Everyone always says that they’re sorry and it’s so annoying because they don’t….”

         “I know, I’m sorry.” I keep fucking up more and more, “I’m sorry I said I’m sorry. I fucking hate when people pull that shit with me. I was being nosey, I’m sorry about that.” She nodded her head and we both sat there in silence for what seemed like hours. We could have possibly had a semi decent day.  It’s almost noon and I’ve only thought of Kelly once… well that is before I started getting nosey. “They were in a car accident too. Kelly and Lemmie. They were being chased though, it’s not like…”

         “I know,” Delia broke in, “I heard all about it. Chase knew her, you know.”

         “Did he?”

         She nodded her head, “They went to Sunday School together. He said she was really sweet and nice. He moved down here when he was six from Boston and he said all the kids made fun of his accent. But she thought it was cool and she played with him. All the other kids loved her so she got everyone to stop making fun of him and they all became friends.”

         That sounds just like my girl. I felt myself smile and nodded my head, “That’s her.”

         “He was really upset when he heard. He made such a big deal out of it. About how fragile our lives are and how you’re here one second and you’re gone the next.”

         The food was placed in front of us and we just ate in silence. I never know how to deal with this shit. It feels better when we talk about other things, completely different things. But then that feels wrong in some ways. It feels like I’m trying to move on and forget my girls. I’m not. I’m scared to death that I’m going to wake up some day and forget the way Kelly’s hair smelled or the way Lemmie giggled when we played peek-a-boo.

         It’s so fucking confusing. Everyone says there will be a time that I’ll be able to remember them without this feeling that comes with it. I don’t know if that’s possible. I think I’ll always have this feeling of guilt.

         If this place is going to do anything for me I sure as hell hope it can help me deal with the guilt. It’s hard to sleep at night. I’m glad I managed to get Delia to stay in my room. It’s much easier to get my mind off it when I’m not all alone. But then it all goes back to if I should even be trying to get my mind off it. I feel like it’s a lose lose situation either way. Of course it is, no matter how anyone looks at it my girls are gone. And they’re not coming back.

 

 

 

It’s extra hot and humid tonight. I mean extra hot and humid. Every single piece of clothing is stuck to my body, not even to mention the damn sheets. Why is there not air conditioning in this hellhole? We’re in Tennessee in the middle of August. I took a deep breath and turned around in the bed trying to get comfortable. If I didn’t hate this place before I sure as hell hate it now.

“Can’t sleep?” Justin asked softly.

“It’s so fucking hot. This has to be the only building in the state without air conditioning.”

“I know, it’s ridiculous.”

“I bet it’s cooler outside. We’re baking in here.”

“You’re probably right,” I heard him shuffling around before he continued, “Let’s go outside. I’m going to turn the light on, are you decent?”

“Am I decent? What do you think I’m like naked or something?”

“I don’t know, it’s hot.”

“You can turn the light on Justin.” it’s kind of funny that he thinks I’d be sleeping here in the nude when he’s in the bed next to me.  He turned the light on and I followed him to the door. It would be pitch black if it weren’t for the full moon and the sky full of stars. I love the stars here. Chase and I used to spend hours on the roof looking up at them. It’s not quiet, that’s for sure. There are so many sounds out here in the woods. This reminds me a lot of our wedding reception that we had in the yard. There was a moon just like this one.

         “It’s way cooler out here, huh?”

         “Yeah,” I answered softly before sitting in the middle of the yard.

         “There’s a full moon.”

         I nodded my head again and fell down to my back.

         “The stars here are amazing,” Justin said before lying down next to me. “You don’t see stars like this in LA. We were down here when Kelly had Lemmie and we stayed down here until she was six months old. When she couldn’t sleep and was crying in the middle of the night we’d take her outside. She just looked up at the stars without a peep. It took her a little while before she fell asleep, but at least it got her to stop crying. After awhile we thought she was just crying so we’d take her outside to look at the stars.” There was a slight chuckle in his voice, I wonder if that means he’s getting to the point where he can remember them without crying. I’m not at that point yet but maybe if he gets there first that’ll give me some hope.  “When we finally took her back to LA she’d cry and we’d take her outside but it was too bright to see the stars. She used to point up, I swear even at six months old. She’d look around and never find them and…”

         He stopped talking. I turned my head away from the sky and looked over at him but he was still looking at the stars. “And?”

         It took him a few seconds before he continued, “Huh? I just thought she’d turn out to be an astronomer or an astronaut or something.” I think he’s crying. He’s looking up at the sky so I can’t really tell but… yeah he is, I just saw a tear fall down his cheeks.

         “And now she’s up there in the stars.” I don’t know what to say and that probably wasn’t the right thing to say. Although she is up in the stars, along with her mother and Chase. I feel more of a connection with the stars than I ever did before.  “When Chase died, that first night... well the first night I was in the hospital the whole night but as soon as I got out I went out our bedroom window and I climbed on the roof. We used to go out there and look at the stars every night. It was like our thing. So I went out there so I could feel closer to him and it actually worked. When I was out there I was crying, you know? but I said I needed some sign that he was alright. Because I thought it would be easier to deal with this if I knew there was a heaven or there was some sort of an afterlife and he’s somewhere else not just gone completely.” I stopped to wipe my eyes and catch my breath, “So I asked him for a sign and I swear Justin, a second later a shooting star went by. And it was a great shooting star, better than any one I’ve ever seen before. It went across the whole sky, way slower than a regular shooting star. It was bright too, real bright and strong and perfect.” I could see him turn his head toward me but I kept looking up at the sky, “I mean, it doesn’t matter if you believe me because my mother thinks I’m crazy. I don’t care though, I know what I saw.”

         “I believe you.”

         “I mean I don’t know why she tells me I’m crazy for what I saw. You’d think she’d just like let me go and if it helps me deal then whatever.”

         “Does it help you deal?”

         “I think so. Who knows how messed up I’d be if he didn’t send the star. I know he’s ok, I do. I just miss him so much and I can’t think of how I’m going to make it without him. It’s just me being selfish, that’s the problem.”

 

 

         She’s better off than I am. Just when I thought I could have possibly found someone a little more fucked up than I am she has to prove to me that she’s not. I have absolutely no faith. I don’t know if my girls are all right, in fact I have a feeling they’re not. That’s what really gets to me. I’m supposed to protect them and I sure as hell didn’t do that when they got in that accident, but now I really can’t. I have no control and I hate that.

         At least Delia has some kind of faith. She knows her husband is all right, she just misses him. I feel like my girls are gone suffering somewhere and I can’t do anything to stop it.

         “Do you think they found each other?”

         “Who?”

         “Chase and Kelly and Lemmie. Do you think they’re like up there together, sharing a star, looking down at us, talking just like we are?”

         “I don’t know,” that’s a little too weird for me.

         “I hope so.  I hope he found someone he knew.”

         “I’m getting bit. Do you want to go in?”

         “Yeah,” she’s back to acting phased out.  I stayed a step behind her when we walked back to our room just in case. She kind of worries me when she gets so phased out so easily.

         Not another word was spoken that night. We each climbed into our beds and turned the lights off and that was it. It’s weird how she goes from talking constantly to not saying a word. Maybe she’s more fucked up than I thought.

 

         ~*~*~*~*~*~

 

         “Justin, wake up, we’re going to be late.”

         I opened my eyes to see Delia standing over me wearing a sundress. She’s wearing her hair long; I don’t think I’ve seen it like that before. I rubbed my eyes to wake myself up, am I seeing straight? When she wears her hair like that she looks a lot like Kelly.  Not the same but there’s something about Delia that makes her look just like Kelly.  “Late for what?”

         “Church. It’s Sunday and quarter to nine and you’re not even showered yet.”

         I stretched my arms over my head, “I’m not going to church Delia.”

         “You’re not… going to church?”  She says it like there’s something wrong with me. You’d think I just told her there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

         “Nah, I’m not big on church.”

         “Oh.” Delia’s just looking at me like I have ten heads. She doesn’t know what to do with me.

         “Breakfast later?”

         She nodded her head, complete with that phased out look, “Yeah. OK.”

 

 

         How does he not go to church? That doesn’t make any sense to me, especially after all the shit. Even when I was real bad and locked in my room for a month I still went to church.

         I shouldn’t talk. I mean, all I do when I go to church is phase out and think about Chase. I end up crying through the whole mass.  It’s not like I could tell you anything the pastor even said. I probably shouldn’t go anymore, it’s just an excuse for me to phase out and cry.

         After church I went back to the room and saw an air conditioner in the window. I looked at Justin who was sitting on his bed and then back to the window, then to the guy that was sitting in my bed.

         “You got a…”

         “Air conditioner?” Justin finished the sentence for me, “Yeah.  It’s way too fucking hot.”

         “So you just… bought one?”

         “Yeah, it’s hot.” He repeated as if that’s the normal thing to do when you’re hot, go out and buy an air conditioner for a house that isn’t yours. It’s not that I’m complaining, I’m much happier with an AC; it’s just weird. “Plus it’s not good to be up all night sweating and shit when you’re pregnant. He brought it actually, this is Trace. Trace this is Delia, get off her bed man.”

         “It’s ok. I’m going to go get breakfast.” You were supposed to come with me, remember? But now that you’ve got your magical air conditioner I doubt if he’ll ever want to leave the room. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t really mind staying in here. It’s so nice and warm. But I’m hungry, which isn’t much of a surprise. My stomach’s been acting crazy since I woke up. It must be fed.

         “Yeah, I’m ready whenever you are,” Justin answered to my surprise.

         “I’m leaving, just came to drop off the AC,” Trace said as he stood up, “Nice meeting you, I’ll see you later.”

 

 

         I could lie here in this bed all day now that I got the air conditioner. Even this bed somehow feels comfortable. I am getting hungry though, I don’t know what’s taking this girl so long in the bathroom. Trace is a good friend for bringing the air conditioner. I couldn’t have gone another night without it. If I didn’t have the AC I think I would have left. Truth be told, I’m actually kind of enjoying my time here, or at least my time with Delia. It’s not that I’m making any huge steps but it’s good to know I’m not the only one going through the shit I’m going through. Most of the people here are crazy but Delia’s different. Don’t get me wrong, she’s definitely crazy but it’s in a completely different way. We have a lot in common and I think she’s the one person in the world that really knows what I’m going through.

         She came out of the bathroom with a different kind of phased out look. “Are you alright?”

         “I’m bleeding,” she spoke in a whisper.

         “What do you need, a band-aid? There’s some over the sink…”

         “No, like I’m bleeding bleeding,” she waved her hand over her stomach.

         “Oh shit,” I jumped up, “That’s not good. Come on, we have to get you to the hospital.”        

         “The hospital? Oh no, no no no. I don’t want to go to the hospital, I’m all right. It’s not that much, and I’m…”

         “Delia,” I placed my hands on her shoulders so she was looking in my eyes, “You need to get to the hospital, and there could be something wrong with the baby.”

         She nodded her head and I grabbed onto her arm to help her to the van. A couple counselors or whoever they are jumped in the van but Delia just stood in front of it frozen still. 

         “Come on, you have to get in,” I stood by the door to help her in.

         Delia shook her head, “No, please don’t make me get in there. I can’t,” she shook her head and started to cry. “I’ll walk. We can walk. I’m ok to walk.”

         “You can’t walk.”

         “Yes I can. I can’t go in there, that’s what I can’t do so…”

         “Listen to me Delia. You can’t walk to the hospital, it’s too far. You need to get in that van and go to the hospital. Nothing is going to happen. You don’t need to think of anything except getting to the hospital. I’ll be right here with you. It’s going to be ok.”

         She nodded her head and took a step towards the van but then stepped back again.  “I can’t. Please don’t…”

         Delia’s crying now, full out sobbing and I’m stuck standing here without a clue as to what to do next. I know she needs to get to the hospital, something could be seriously wrong with her baby. But there’s no talking sense into her right now. She can’t think of that, all she can think about is how the last time she was in a car her husband was killed while sitting right next to her. It would be helpful if these so called grief counselors did something other than stand there and look at each other like fucking idiots.

         “I’m right here with you Delia. It’s going to be all right but you need to get to the hospital. Come on, I’ll sit here,” I climbed in and sat backwards on the hump between the driver and passenger’s seat and held out my hand for her to grab. She took a deep breath and grabbed onto my hand before slowly climbing in. “Alright,” I smiled, “See, we’re good. Just look at me, keep looking at me,” she nodded her head and continued crying while I held onto her hand tightly. “I know you wanted your milkshake and sundae but we’ll get it as soon as we get back, it’s nothing to cry over.”

         She laughed for a half a second and wiped her eyes before looking out the window.

         I caught her and placed my free hand on her cheek, turning her head back to me, “Look at me. We’re almost there. What do you want at the diner? I’ll call it in so it’s ready for us when we get there. Mozzarella sticks?”

         Delia nodded her head, “And onion rings and a buffalo chicken wrap with French fries.”

         “Alright, that’s it?”

         “And a chocolate milkshake and hot fudge sundae.” She sniffled.

         “Of course, I got that.”

         We pulled up to the emergency and they pulled her out of the van and into a wheelchair. “Come with me, please?” she called as she was being wheeled inside.

         “Yeah, yeah I’m coming,” I jogged to catch up with her.

         I know I’m not big on church. I know I have my doubts about God and Heaven and all that stuff. But please God, if there is a God, don’t let anything happen to that baby.

 

 

 

         “Don’t you… want me to call your mother or something?”

         “No. I just don’t want you to leave,” Delia spoke quietly. We made it to the hospital and now she’s lying in a bed and I’m sitting next to her. If I thought she was phased out before, she’s at a whole different level now. The doctors or nurses or whoever they are have been coming in and out of this room for the past half an hour. I don’t know why I call it a room; it’s far from a room. It’s a huge room that reminds me of an elementary school gym with lines of beds around the perimeter. Curtains, making so-called rooms, separate the beds. They had the main curtain open but I closed it a few minutes ago. The girls on the other side kept looking at me.

         I wish I knew something to say, or at least be some kind of help to her. She’s just lying still, looking into space. Once in awhile she starts crying but it only lasts about a minute then she goes back to being quiet. I think she looks nervous. It’s hard to tell the difference between her different phased out looks but I think I might be getting somewhere.

         “Are you sure? I can come right back.”

         “Yes,” she nodded her head. “There’s a phone right there.”

         I didn’t know there was a phone right there that makes me feel like an idiot. “So there is. Here, do you want it?” she shook her head, “Do you want me to call?”

         “My mom’s going to make a big deal out of it.”

         It kind of is a big deal. “Don’t you think maybe she…”

         “I don’t want her to,” she answered before I could finish, “She like… turns everything around to be about her and makes everything a big deal. Then she makes things worst cause she’ll tell me how I need to take care of myself and I need to do all this shit that I’m already trying to do not even to mention all the other shit I’m doing. She thinks I’m overreacting and being a drama queen and I should be over everything by now.”

         “That’s ridiculous.” I spoke before I thought; I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.

         “She is ridiculous.”

         I don’t understand what is taking so long. Either there’s something wrong or there’s not.  How hard is it?

 

 

         I can’t even think straight anymore. I’m lying in a hospital bed in an Emergency Room. It’s uncomfortable, very fucking uncomfortable. You’d think they’d want people to be comfortable when they’re obviously already hurting if they’re here in the first place. The doctors are pointless. They come in and out and ask for different things each time. They wanted me to give them a urine sample then told me I couldn’t go to the bathroom and had to do it right there. Uh, yeah… sure. Obviously I went into the bathroom but Justin came with me and stood outside the stall, making sure I was still alive. I don’t know exactly what he’s so worried about.

         He’s kind of weird. I know I’ve been thinking that for a long time but that whole not letting me pee on my own thing kind of cemented the idea in my mind. Although I can’t complain. He was able to talk me into getting into that van. I wish I could say it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, but really it was that bad. It was like I was having a panic attack driving here, the combination of that and the whole reason for me coming. If something is wrong with this baby thing growing inside me I don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t even think about it.

         “Delia?” Justin woke me from my thoughts.

         “Huh?”

         “I asked if you wanted something to eat… or drink. Anything?”

         I’ve told him a hundred times I don’t want anything, although obviously I could use some food. I just don’t want him to leave, not even for a second. “The last time… I was in a hospital was when Chase… so I don’t, like I can’t, be alone. I know you want to leave and stuff but please…”

         “I’m not leaving,” he broke in before I could finish, even though I’m not exactly finishing my thoughts. It’s annoying that I know I’m speaking in these fucked up sentences and I can’t even help it. I was a damn English major.  “I was just thinking we could order something or I could at least call the nurse and see how long this is going to take.”

         Before he finished talking the doctor came in reading his clipboard over again before speaking. “How are you doing Delia?”

         “Can you just tell me what’s going on please?”

         “Sure, I’ll get right to it. Most importantly, the baby is all right. Sometimes your body will warn you that if you keep doing things they way you are doing them something can happen. This was your warning. The baby is healthy now but you’re very stressed. The stress is not good for the baby, or for you. We need to do something about the stress and the depression.”

         He kept talking but I didn’t listen to him. I don’t know how he would like me to stop being stressed and depressed. Obviously I don’t want to be depressed, if there was something I could do to end it I would. I’m not an idiot. Usually for depression and stress they put you on drugs but they took me off the damn drugs once they said I was pregnant. I’m supposed to just deal with this shit on my own? There’s no possible way.

         I noticed no one was talking anymore and looked between the doctor and Justin who were both looking at me. “OK,” I answered, not exactly sure what I was ok-ing. I don’t really care either I just want to leave.

         “Alright, then why don’t you go ahead and get dressed? The nurses will have the papers for you to sign at their station when you’re all set.”

         “Are you alright?” Justin asked once the doctor left, “That’s good news, the baby’s fine.”

         “How am I supposed to not be stressed and not be depressed when they took all my fucking meds?”

         “You don’t need meds, they don’t work anyway. It’s just in your head, the meds just make everyone think they’re getting better so they get better.”

         “How am I not supposed to be depressed when my husband…”

         “I know,” he broke in while I tried to stop myself from crying, “Believe me D, I know just as much as you do. But you have to do it for the kid, you can do it. You just gotta really focus on other stuff, focus on the baby.”

         “At least we can leave.”

         “Yeah,” he nodded his head and stood up, “I’ll wait outside while you get changed.”

 

 

         I know in reality I have no control over this whole situation but I’m really worried about Delia. It’s not that I should be talking because I sure as hell have enough people worried about me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. But I don’t think she realizes how important this is. I guess I’ll just do my best to get her mind off the bad shit, which could be hard when I’m trying to deal with my own bad shit.

         She’s crying, I can hear her through the curtains. I really wish there was something I could do. “So I was thinking we could go right to the diner,” I spoke through the curtain, “I would call ahead and get the order in but what fun would that be? It’s much more entertaining to see the waitress’s face when you tell her your order. I’m starving though, you must be too.”

         The curtain was pushed open and Delia stood in front of me. Her eyes were red and puffy but she wiped them quickly as if that would hide the fact. “I am starving,” she spoke softly.

         I nodded my head and forced a smile as I followed her to the nurses’ station where she signed the papers in silence. “Do you need anything else?” she shook her head. We walked outside where the van was ready to take us back but she just stood in front of it once again unable to move. “It’s alright, you did it before. I’ll talk you through it again, just look at me.” I said as I got into the van first and held my hand out to help her in.

         She didn’t move until a few seconds later, “I’m going to walk. I’ll meet you at the diner or something.” Without even giving me a second to respond she was already heading out of the parking lot.

         I told the counselors in the van to go ahead home and jogged to catch up with her. “Well first, it’s this way,” I grabbed onto her arm so she would go in the right direction.

         “Oh.” She answered quietly keeping her eyes focused on the ground as she walked, “You don’t have to come, I can find my way.”

         “I know. I could use a walk.”

         “It’s not really that far.”

         “Nah, it’s fine.”

         It’s now almost midnight so luckily it’s a lot cooler and there’s no sun beating down on us. Delia is walking in a daze, she’s lucky I came along or she’d end up lost in the middle of nowhere since she isn’t paying attention to which direction she’s even going.  The people at this counseling place kind of suck at their jobs. I don’t know why they’re just driving the van back and leaving me to look out for her. It’s not that I mind, I’d be here with her even if they were here too. I just find it kind of odd. Especially since I’m just as fucked up as she is.

         We didn’t talk the whole way to the diner.  We didn’t talk at the diner either. I tried to talk but she just gave me one-word answers or ignored me completely. There has to be more they can do for her. Maybe I’ll go talk to someone tomorrow. Although I’m sure they won’t be much help since they seem to have no idea how the fuck to do their jobs.

         After dinner we went to bed. I stopped trying to make conversation. Maybe she needs the quiet; maybe that’s what works for her. I’ll try to think of something to do tomorrow to keep her mind off all the shit.  It’s not like I’m only doing it for her, I could use a break from my thoughts as well.

         “Justin?” she whispered after we turned the lights off for a while, “Are you still awake?”

         “Yeah, I’m up.”

         “I just… I’m sorry for like ruining your day and everything and like being so weird and…” she seems to have a hard time finishing sentences, I’m not sure if that’s something she’s always struggled with, but I doubt it.

         “No, not at all. What was I going to do? Hide in the room so I wouldn’t have to go to a group session. Don’t worry about it.”

         “Well thanks for… going with me and talking to me in the car, and staying with me, and walking back with me… and eating with me…”

         “Delia you’re fine. Don’t worry about it. I know what you’re going through, I’m here for whatever you need.”

         “Yeah but you’re going through it too. You’ve got the same issues I do but you’re helping me feel better and I’m not helping you at all.”

         “Nah, that’s not true. You’re helping me a lot. You needed someone; you’d do the same if the situation were reversed. I’m not worried about it Delia, don’t worry about it. Some days are better than others. Tomorrow I’ll have a shitty day and you can help me out.”

         I heard a slight laugh through the darkness and that made me smile, “Promise?”

         “Yeah, I promise tomorrow will be a shitty day.”

         “OK.” She paused for a few seconds as if she had something else to say, “Goodnight Justin.”

         “Goodnight Delia.”

         

 

         I waited for the sun to come up before I got out of bed. I didn’t sleep last night, except for maybe an hour total. It’s nice in this air-conditioned room but the bed is so damn uncomfortable I don’t want to lay in it all day when I know I’m not going to be able to sleep. I pulled my sweatshirt off so I was only wearing a tank top; it’s probably much hotter outside.

         “Where are you going?” Justin asked before sitting up in bed.

         “For a walk.”

         “Can I come?”

         “Yeah,” I guess. I didn’t wait for him but I didn’t have to, he came jogging to catch up with me before I made it down the hall.

         “How are you feeling?”

         “I’m hungry,” I said before walking into the kitchen and looking through the cabinets. I know that’s not the kind of answer he was looking for but I am hungry.  Sure, maybe I shouldn’t be going through these people’s cabinets but no one is here and I’m pregnant so I’m pretty sure that lets me do whatever I want when it comes to food.

         Luckily I found a hidden shelf with those mini powdered donuts so I grabbed a box before continuing my journey wherever it is I’m going. “You can have one,” I held the box out.

         Justin reached in with a chuckle, “Oh I can have one huh? Thanks D.” He walked next to me for a little while in silence. I will admit it’s kind of nice to have him here, even though he usually talks too much. He does seem to know when I’d rather him just shut up, even if I have to ask him to.  “I was thinking we should do something. You know, to keep ourselves busy.”

         “Like what?”

         “I don’t know. Play a game or something. Cards, Scrabble.”

         I waited a few seconds to answer. “I don’t have a game.”

         “We can go get one. There’s that store down the street.”

         “OK,” I agreed softly. I’ll try anything at this point. All I know is I really need to get myself straightened out. It’s for this kid thing growing inside me. “I want an ice cream sundae… and a pickle. Why isn’t the ice cream place open yet?”

         “Because it’s 6 o’clock in the morning?”

         “Don’t answer my question with a question.  Do you think I can buy some ice cream at the store and make my own sundae? What time do they open?”

         “It says eight. There’s a guy in the ice cream shop, hold on.” Justin left me standing on the sidewalk as he went into the ice cream shop and said something to the guy in there washing the floor. Maybe he knows the guy or something, I’m not sure.  He came out a few minutes later and held the door open for me, “Come on.” He said with a smile.

         “Come on?”

         “Yeah, come on. You wanted ice cream, right?”

         “Yeah, but…”

         “Come on,” he answered again before grabbing onto my hand and pulling me inside, “This guy is nice enough to make you a sundae.”

         “What can I get you sweetie?” the man asked with a smile as we sat down at the counter.

         “Um, a sundae with hot fudge and the peanut butter sauce, do you have that?” he nodded his head and I felt the smile cover my face, “OK, thank you. With whipped cream too.”

         “Of course,” the man said with the sweetest smile, “Peanuts?”

         “Yes… I mean no! I don’t think I’m supposed to have peanuts. Thank you.”

         “Any time sweetheart, you just let me know if you need anything. And what can I get you?” he asked Justin.

         Justin looked at me and then at the man, let out a quick chuckle and then answered, “I guess I’ll have the same.”

         I heard myself laugh, “You’re going to get fat with me.”

         “It’s true,” he laughed, “I gained more weight than Kelly did when she was pregnant with Lemmie.”

         “That’s not possible.”

         “Yes it is. She only gained 10 pounds. I gained 11.”

         “That’s amazing,” I laughed. I heard the father’s do tend to gain weight right along with the mothers; especially if it’s the first pregnancy but I definitely didn’t think it would be that much.

         “Here you go sweetheart,” the man said as he placed the sundaes in front of us before reaching over and handing me a plate with two big dill pickles on it.

         “How did you…?” the man nodded towards Justin who was already digging into his sundae, “Thank you Justin, that’s really sweet.”

         “I know how you pregnant women are with your pregnancy cravings. I’m glad I could help.”

         This is a new side of him I’ve never seen. I know he’s a pretty nice guy, I mean he’s been nice to me, but this is far beyond being nice. “I’m going to be really gross,” I warned with a laugh, “I’m going to dip my pickle in the sundae. I know it’s disgusting, but for some reason it sounds so good. I’m just warning you so you can turn away if you want.”

         “Don’t do that,” Justin laughed, “That’s taking it too far.”

         “No it’s not. It’s just a pickle with ice cream and hot fudge and peanut butter sauce and whipped cream,” I laughed as I dipped it in, “It’s not that weird.”

         “Yes it is. Seriously D, that’s disgusting,” he laughed.

         “It is not,” I said as I held the pickle covered in sundae up, “I have to do it so just… look the other way.”

         “No, it’s like a car crash I can’t…”

 

         Fuck.

         What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s one of the first times I’m not thinking about it and actually having fun and I compare it to a car crash, the reason why we’re both here in the first place.

         “I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

         “I’m just going to do it,” she said as if she didn’t catch what I just said, “So watch it if you have to but don’t complain.”

         Before I could say anything she took a bite of the disgusting pickle, still laughing. “Mmmm, it’s so good. Try it,” she held it out for me.

         “Nah, I’m good. Thanks though.”

         “Fine, be a wuss, more for me.”

         I’ve never seen her in a good mood like this. It’s kind of a relief; I was really worried about her and the baby.  I just need to keep her mind off the bad shit and she should be fine.

         “You got all quiet,” her voice woke me from my thoughts, “Are you alright? Did I scare you?”

         “Nah,” I laughed as I took a bite from my ice cream, “I can’t believe we’re eating sundaes at six o’clock in the morning.”

         “We’re adults,” she answered with a smile before closing her eyes and enjoying a spoonful, “We can do whatever we want.”

         “That’s true. If our mothers could see us now.”

         “I’m not going to be one of those mothers.”

“Alright, just don’t tell my mother.”

She laughed, “I’m going to tell your mother.”

“No, I’m serious, don’t.”

“No, I’m going to. What’s she going to do, yell at you?”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “she probably will.”

“My mother would too. But I’m still telling her.”

“Great, good to know you got my back.” I answered with a chuckle.

“Anytime,” she smiled, “Us mothers need to stick together.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

I’m going to let my kid have ice cream whenever he wants.”

         “You say that now, but it’ll change. I was like that too but when she’s standing there in front of you, it’s hard not to give in, but you have to do what’s best for her.”

         “Giving him ice cream is what’s best for him. That’s what’s best for everything.”

         “Not his teeth.” I laughed before taking another spoonful, “So it’s a he?”

         “Yeah, for sure.”

         “For sure?” I laughed at the amount of confidence in her voice, “You’re absolutely positive?” she nodded her head, “how do you know?”

         “I just know. I mean, there’s a baby growing inside of me. I can tell if it’s going to be a he or a she.”

         “Oh, of course,” I answered sarcastically, “What did the doctor say?”

         “Well, nothing yet. I don’t need her to tell me what I already know.”

         “Alright,” I laughed as I watched her throw the last bite sized piece of the pickle in remainder of the ice cream and take one last spoonful, “Good?”

         “Amazing. Thank you so much, Justin. And thank you too sir.”

         “Absolutely sweetie, anytime. You two have fun.” He turned to me, “Anytime your wife needs some ice cream this early, you make sure to come by and check if I’m here. I’m usually here early, and I’d be happy to help you out.”

         “Oh, she’s not my…”

         He smiled and held his hands up, “I’ll see you again, I’m sure. Have a good one.”

         I followed Delia outside as we made our way back to the house. “That was really nice of you. I would have never even thought that could happen. You’re going to spoil me because now every time I want something I’ll think I can get it,” she laughed.

         “You can. You’re pregnant girl, live it up. Whatever you want. Let me know. I’ll be able to get it for you.” I assured her. Delia bit at her lip and looked me over.  “What?” I asked with a chuckle.

         “Nothing,” she shook her head to clear her thoughts.

         “OK,” I answered as we made it back to our room, before anyone even woke up. “You know, we walked down the street and had ice cream sundaes and these lazy bums are still asleep.”

         D giggled before falling on her bed, “It’s true. We’re like the only cool people here.”

         “Are you really just figuring that out? I’ve said that from the beginning.”

         “No, you didn’t,” she sat up to make sure she had my attention, “You said we were the only normal ones here. Obviously we’re not that normal, we just had ice cream sundaes at six in the morning.”

         “Hey, if that’s not normal I don’t want to me normal.”

         “Yeah, me neither,” she laughed as there was a knock on the door.

         “Good Morning. How are you feeling today Delia?” one of the counselors asked as she came into the room.

         “Good, I’m better, thank you.”

         “Great. Are you ready for your session?”

         Delia nodded her head and then looked over at me, “Yeah. I’m ready.” She stood up and headed to the door, “Later, Justin.”

         “Have fun.”

         It really makes me feel better that she’s acting like this. I don’t know why, but it gives me some weird kind of relief. She’s the one person in the world that gets what I’m going through. I feel like maybe if she feels better I know it’s ok for me to feel better too. Part of me still feels guilty when I think about other things or when I actually have a good time.  Deep down I know I shouldn’t, but I’m so afraid of forgetting Kelly and Lemmie, I’ll do anything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.

         The door opened again and my counselor, Jerry, walked in. “Hi Justin, how are you feeling?”

         “Fine.”

         “Do you think you’re ready to try a session today?”

         I haven’t gone to a session yet. Sure, I’m probably wasting my time, but it’s not as easy at it seems. I don’t want to go in a room and talk about my feelings. That will just bring everything out in the open again. Sometimes it’s easier when I just keep it inside, it makes it less real. But then again, Delia’s been going since we started and she’s really making big steps.

         “Yeah, I’m ready.” I stood up and followed him down the hall. What’s the worst that can happen? I can leave if it gets too bad. It can’t be that bad. If Delia can do it so can I. If it helps Delia maybe, just maybe, it’ll help me too.

 

 

 

         I went to my first counseling session. I’m still not sure if I can say it was a good experience or a bad one. It was good because I actually talked and got some shit out, it was bad because I got some shit out. I was feeling better, or at least not thinking about my girls every second of the day, but now I’m back to that again.

         When I got back to my room Delia was laying in her bed. She looked over when I came in and then turned her gaze back to the ceiling, “How was it?” she asked softly.

         “I don’t know,” I answered honestly and fell on the bed, “How about you?”

         “I don’t know, it’s mixed, you know? You know. It’s kinda like they bring stuff up that I wish they didn’t but I guess it’s good to get it out there.”  She sat up and pulled a hoodie over her head, “Anyway, I’m really liking this whole AC thing, it’s nice and cold.”

         “Yeah, it’s a lot cooler with it,” I agreed. I can’t take how we’re being so quiet, we were doing well with getting our minds off the shit and then we had to go to the damn sessions and now it’s all I can think about.

         “Can we talk… about stuff?” D broke my thought, it’s like she can read my mind.

         “Yeah, definitely, let’s talk about… stuff.”

         “Good, cause this whole thinking about other stuff just isn’t working.” She paused for a second before continuing, “ So you live in LA, right?”

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head.

         “Are you going back?”

         “I guess,” I haven’t really thought of that. “I mean, I don’t know, maybe not right away. I guess I’d have to go back at some point. I don’t really want to, I’d rather stay here.”

         “Then stay.”

         “Yeah, maybe. It’s not like I’m going to go work or anything, good idea. What about you?”

         “I live here.”

         “What do you do?”

         “I used to work at a newspaper.”

         “Used to?”

         “Yeah, well I just kind of stopped going. They were asshole anyway. Can you believe they took out a notebook and tried to interview people at the funeral?”

         “That’s fucked up.”

         “Seriously fucked up,” she agreed, “I did so much shit for them too, I never called out, and I always stayed way longer than I had to.” She paused and sighed, “Whatever, it was a stupid job anyway.”

         “Yeah, sounds like it. You’ll find something else that you love to do.”

         Delia nodded her head and pulled her hood over her head, “What about you?”

         “What about me?”

         “I mean, I know you sing or whatever, but is that it? Are you going to go back to doing that after?”

         “Uh, yeah I guess. I haven’t really given it much thought, to be honest. I don’t think I’m going to want to go out and tour again, but who knows. Sometimes that helps me deal with shit. Maybe I’ll just focus on writing and work with other people, do more behind the scenes stuff,” I stopped when I heard her make a noise, “Are you alright?”

         “Yeah, I just like… my stomach feels all weird.”  She reached her hand down to touch her stomach. I really am having a hard time dealing with her whole being pregnant thing. It just worries me, I can’t even imagine what it would be like if she were to loose the baby, but I’d say there’s a good chance that could happen. I know when Kelly was pregnant the doctor kept telling her how every little thing can effect the baby; I can’t even imagine how being so depressed and stressed could effect it.  “Do you think she’s kicking? Could she be kicking?”

         “I guess, how far along are you? Three months?”

         “More like four I guess.”

         “You guess?” I asked with a chuckle, “How do you not know?”

         “I do know. It’s four, like four and a half. I totally think she’s kicking,” she chuckled quickly and smiled, “She’s going to be a soccer player, come over here and feel.”

         I stood up and sat on her bed, she grabbed my hand and put it under her sweatshirt. I felt the baby kick, “That’s definitely a kick.”

         “You know, I never really wanted kids. But Chase wanted them so bad and I was like, well if it happens it happens. After like the first few months we were married I was still taking my birth control pills,” she laughed, “He thought I stopped, but I was way too nervous about the idea of having a kid. So then, I realized what a good father he’d be and how he’d be there so even if I’m a sucky mother the kid won’t be completely screwed cause it’ll have him. So of course, it figures that I get pregnant and he never even knew. And now I’m supposed to raise this kid myself and I can’t even take care of myself. She’s kicking, and it’s all real now.”

         “It’s different when it’s your kid,” I spoke up to calm her down. This is exactly what I mean; she goes from being in a decent mood to crying in a matter of seconds, that can’t be good.  “I didn’t think I could do it either, but it’s completely different when it yours, trust me.”

         “Yeah, that’s what everyone says. She’s kicking like crazy though,” she laughed between her tears and grabbed my hand again, putting it under her sweatshirt, “Why did you stop feeling?”

         I laughed and pulled her blanket so it was covering me too, it’s damn cold in here now with the air conditioner but I sure as hell am not about to turn it off. “It’s a she now? Yesterday you were positive it’s a boy.”

         She giggled, “That’s a lie. Alright, maybe I did but today I think it’s a girl, so…”

         “So… you really have no idea.”

         “Well, I don’t have super powers, how would I be able to know?”

         “I mean, yesterday you said you knew,” I chuckled, “Have you thought of any names?”

         “Not at all.”

         “If it’s a boy would you name him after your husband?”

         “No, Chase hated his name.  But… I don’t know, maybe a middle name. That would be good, right?”

         “Yeah, that’d be cool.”

         “Probably something from Shakespeare, that was kinda our thing.”

         “Like Romeo?”

         “No,” she laughed, “Definitely not Romeo or Juliet. That’s like his worst work.”

         “Then what, Hamlet?”

         “No. Like, Fleance.”

         She can’t be serious, “What?” I laughed, “You are not naming your kid Flea, do you know how much he’d get made fun of? He? She? Is that a girl’s name or a boys name?”

         “It’s a boys name,” she giggled, “OK, not Flea, something normal, like Aaron or Ajax.”

         “Yeah, name your kid Ajax,” I answered sarcastically, “That’s completely normal. If it’s a girl what will you name her? Clorox?”

         “No,” she laughed and rested her head on my shoulder, “I always liked Olivia.”

         “Olivia is pretty,” I answered seriously, “much better.”

         I felt Delia nod her head against me and take a deep breath.  “I’m sleepy. Don’t move, you’re comfortable.”

         “Alright,” I chuckled, “They need televisions in here.”

         “They do,” she agreed with a yawn, “and nicer pillows… and one of those chocolate fountains.”

         I looked down to see her eyes closed, she really was tired. There was a knock on the door and my heart started beating fast. I already went to a session today; please don’t make me go to another one. I know it’s supposed to help but whenever I’m feeling halfway normal it starts up again and I don’t want to get into it again today.

         When the door opened I saw my mother walk in, and Delia jumped at least a foot in the air. “It’s just my mom, calm down,” I assured her, “Hey Ma,”

         “Hi Darlin’, how are you doin’?”

         “I’m alright, it’s good to see you,” I stood up to give my mother a hug, “This is Delia.”

         “Of course,” my mother said with a smile, “How are you doing sweetie?”

         “I’m alright,” D said as she too stood up and gave my mother a hug, “It’s nice to meet you.”

         “How far along are you?”

         “Four and a half, she’s kicking, want to feel?” Delia didn’t wait for my mother’s response before placing my mother hand under her sweatshirt and on her belly. Not that my mother would have opposed, she’s all over everything baby.

         “Would you look at that? She’s a full out punter,” my mother laughed. “I thought I’d take ya’ll out for dinner. How does that sound?”

         “Yeah, cool,” I answered, “What do ya say, D?”

         “Oh, I don’t want to… I’ll let you go, you don’t want me tagging along.”

         I know she wants to come, when has this girl ever turned down food? I also know she’s probably worried that we’re going to drive wherever it is we go, and she’s still not into the whole car thing. “No, you have to come. Come on, what are you going to eat, this shit they give us here? No way, we’ll go down to the diner. It’s just a short walk,” I told my mother.

         “Yeah, wherever you want to go.  I’d love for you to come sweetie.”

         Delia looked between my mother and I a few times before nodding her head. “If you don’t mind, I can always eat.”

         “Of course,” my mother said as she placed her arm around Delia, “When I was pregnant with Justin, oh lord, I still remember that craving for food. All I wanted to do was eat. It didn’t even matter what it was, I just wanted food. I felt like such a pig at first but then I just said screw it and gave in. When else do you have the excuse to eat as much as you want?”

         “Oh, I gave in from the beginning,” Delia answered with a laugh.

         I stayed back as they walked out the door; I wonder how long it’ll take for them to realize I’m not with them. Probably not until they get to the diner, hell probably not until they get back and see me still sitting on the bed.

         Hello, you’re my mother. You just met this girl two minutes ago and now you’re all about sharing your pregnancy stories like I don’t even exist. I’ll never understand girls and their weird bonding moments, with other females they don’t even know.  It’s a good thing; I’m only half serious in the fact that it’s kind of annoying. Delia needs to get her mind off shit; she’s got the baby to worry about. I just have me.

         “Aren’t you coming?” Delia came back into the room and put her arm in mine, “come on, I’m sorry for stealing your mom.”

         “You’re not stealing my mom,” I chuckled, “I was just grabbing my hat.”

         “OK, thanks for inviting me for dinner. I’m glad I got stuck with you here.”

         “Me too, kid. Take off your sweatshirt, you’re not going to need it outside.”

         “Oh yeah,” she nodded and pulled it off, “My belly is getting… so fucking big.”

         “Well yeah,” I laughed, “You’ve got that thing growing inside you,” I answered the way she’s so living referred to the fact that she’s pregnant.

         “Yeah, that thing that kicks and has a heart and stuff. It’s like… a baby growing inside me.”

         “That’s usually how it works.”

         “I know but it’s like, kinda cool.”

         “It’s extremely cool Delia,” I laughed and opened the door, “Come on now, I know you’re hungry. If we make it fast enough maybe we’ll get the crazy waitress again and she’ll give us that look she gives us when we show up for two meals in a row.”

 

 

         “I can’t believe it’s been two months.”

         “I can’t believe we’re leaving,” Delia and I spoke at the same time. I looked over to see her lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and playing with the string from her sweatshirt. It’s been two months since we came here, this hellhole that was supposed to cure us.  The fact is, it kind of did. The counselors didn’t do shit, but this girl laying on the bed next to me has done more for me than she’ll ever know.

         “What am I going to do?”

         I chuckled and turned to my side so I could see her better, “What do you mean what are you going to do?”

         “When I wake up in the middle of the night, who am I going to talk to? When I can’t sleep, who’s going to talk to me until I fall asleep? When I can’t take it anymore and everyone is driving me crazy who is going to help me escape from everything and take me to the diner, or even just lock me in this room and get me away from it all?”

         “You won’t need to escape from anything, you’ll be home. There will be no one banging on your door every day trying to get you to go to therapy or to eat that shit they try to pass off as food.”

         “You’ve never met my mother, I’ll need to escape her,” she laughed to hide the fact that she’s crying.

         “I’ll come pick you up and help you escape. Just call me, you have my number, call me anytime.”

         “But you’re going to be in California.”

         “Nah, I told you I’m going to stay here for awhile.  I’ll stop by your house, we can watch some movies, make some milkshakes, play some poker,” I stopped to chuckle, that’s pretty much what we’ve been doing these past two months, minus the movies. I still can’t believe she didn’t know how to play poker, but now I’d say she’s pretty good. I might be considering taking her to Vegas. “You need to keep practicing.”

         “I will,” she giggled and wiped her eyes, “When I first got here I hated you.”

         “You didn’t’ t hate me.”

         “Yes I did,” she assured me, “You were mean.”

         “I was not mean! You were, you yelled at me for checking to see if you were alive after you fell in a puddle of mud.”

         “Oh yeah, and you did give me some pizza,” she laughed before sitting up and grabbing a bag of chips, “Alright, I guess I was mean, sorry. Although you did give me quite the attitude.”

         “That doesn’t sound like me at all,” I answered with a smile as she threw some chips at me.  I am going to miss this, it’s going to be weird without her, we have this connection no one else gets. She’s the only one that knows what’s going on in my head.

         “I was tiny too, you didn’t even know I was pregnant,” Delia said as she sat down on my bed and held out the bag of chips.”

         “Yeah, you exploded.”

         “Thanks,” she laughed and touched her stomach, “It’s just kinda weird how when we came in I hated it here and I hated you and now you’re like… my best friend, and I really don’t want to leave.”

         “It’s alright,” I pulled her into a hug to try and stop her crying. I’ve seen her cry plenty of times these last two months, but never would I ever imagine her crying because it’s time to go.  “Calm down D, I live ten minutes away from your house.”

         “It’s not the same,” she whined, burying her head in my chest.

         “Thank God,” I chuckled and rubbed her back, “You don’t know what you’re saying Delia. You’re definitely not going to miss this place.”

         “I’m going to miss you.”

         “You’re not going to have a chance to miss me, I’m going to be at your house every day,” I heard her laugh against me and felt myself getting all choked up. What the hell is going on? “I’m going to miss you too D.”

 

         I can’t believe I’m getting this emotional over leaving this hellhole. It’s not the fact that I’m leaving this place, it’s that Justin is not going to be there anymore. He says we’ll still talk but it won’t be the same. I liked being able to talk to him in the middle of the night. He’s the only one that gets me, and whenever I randomly burst out the way I’m feeling he knows exactly what I’m talking about and somehow makes me feel better about it.

         I kinda wish we could stay in this sheltered way of life forever, except maybe in a nicer house. It’s good not to have to worry about finding a job or paying the bills, but when I leave I’m going to be faced with all that shit again.  Not even to mention the simple fact that I’ll be home, in Chase and my home. I know I’ve made a lot of progress and I am feeling much better about everything but I don’t know how strong I’m going to be when I’m actually there, lying in bed without him.

         The therapy sessions didn’t do too much for me, I could never get over how they think they know everything but have never been in a situation even the slightest bit similar.  But Justin, he really made me feel like I’m not the only person in the world that this has happened to. I don’t think he knows how much he means to me.

         “Stop looking at me like that,” he chuckled as we both sat on our opposite beds waiting to be picked up.

         “I’m not looking at you like anything,” I answered with a whine.

         “Alright, you’re not excited enough.”

         “Neither are you.”

He’s not jumping off the walls, like you’d think. He’s still acting like he can’t wait to leave this place, but I think on the inside he’s going to miss it here. He’s away from everything, if nothing else, and I know how hectic his real life is. 

“Will you come see my baby when she’s born?”

“Of course, what kind of a question is that? I’ll even come if it’s a boy. Stop acting like we’re never going to see each other again.”

         “What if we don’t?”

         “We will, stop saying that shit. You’re going to call me, and I’m going to call you. We’re going to talk all the time and we’re going to hang out and it’s going to be like we never even left this shit hole, minus the whole not being in a shit hole anymore.”

         “I just want you to know that… I don’t think I would have made it this far if it weren’t for you.” I said softly, almost afraid of the reaction I’d get. It is true though, and I think he needs to know that.

         “I know I wouldn’t have made it this far if it weren’t for you Delia. Which is why I also know that this isn’t the end of anything. We’re still going to talk all the time; you’re still going to be the only person that gets it.  You better call me when you can’t sleep.”

         “I will.”

         “And I’ll call you when I order a pizza,” he laughed.

         “You better,” I laughed as I played with my cell in my hands. What if it doesn’t work? “I just want to try calling it to make sure I didn’t put your number in wrong.”

         “Good idea.” I can’t tell if he’s being serious or making fun of me, but I don’t even care, really. It would be just my luck that my big fat pregnant fingers typed the number in wrong. I called the number he gave me and it rang in his hand. “OK, now you try calling me.”

         “Alright,” I realize that it will obviously work, since I did just call him he obviously has my number, but this whole thing really is freaking me out and he’s not fighting it.  “We’re good.” He said as the phone rang in my hand.

         “Can you just… move in with me? I have an extra bedroom.”

         He chuckled, “For that thing growing inside you?”

         “I know, but there’s an extra one after that.”

         Justin stood up and pulled me into a tight hug, “Delia, listen to me. We live a ten-minute drive away from each other. It’s going to be fine. We both still need each other, so we’re going to talk all the time. I promise. Calm down, stop worrying so much, you’re not supposed to be worrying; it’s not good for the baby. Relax, breathe, and try to focus on the good that we’re leaving.”

 

 

 

 

         12:35 and I’m lying in bed, looking at the ceiling.  The good news is it’s my bed; the bad news is its Chase and my bed. When I was at the center I was all right, but now that I’m here, alone in the bed that I used to share with him, it’s just weird. It’s a different kind of weird than it was when I was here just after the accident. I don’t want to cry, I have a weird feeling. 

         My father is in the spare room because he didn’t want to leave me alone tonight. He’s giving me my space at least, unlike my mother who wanted to stay in the same room as me. Can you imagine? Then I’d be crying for a whole different reason.

         I grabbed my cell phone on the pillow next to me and found Justin’s number quickly.

         “Finally,” he answered the phone with one word.

         “I can’t sleep.”

         “Me neither.”

         “Well then why didn’t you call me?”

         He chuckled, “Stop being so whiney D, it doesn’t suit you. How was your first day of freedom?”

         “Um, I had a welcome home party slash baby shower. How about you?”

         “Exciting. I, too, had a welcome home party.  So many people.”

         “I know, it was way overwhelming. I kind of just wanted to crawl into bed.”

         “Me too,” he laughed, “But my mom said she thought it’d be better to get it all over with at once. I guess she’s right.”

         “True.  At least it kept us occupied. No time to think.”

         “Nah, but now there’s plenty of time to think.  Did someone stay with you?”

         “My dad, what about you?”

         “Mom,” he laughed, “They don’t trust us.”’

         “I know.  Want to come over tomorrow?” I heard him chuckle, “what?”

         “It’s just funny the way you asked. Like we’re in elementary school. I’ll have to ask my mom,” he laughed again, “Seriously, though. I’m supposed to go fishing with my Gramps in the morning.”

         “You can come later.”

         “Yeah, alright.”

         “Really?” I can’t even hold in the excitement. “That’d be great. You can help me sort through all the baby stuff I got. My mom tried to put it all together but she does it all weird.”

         “She’s just trying to help.”

         “No, she’s not. She’s just completely OCD and needs everything her way and it’s like, it’s my house, it’s my alien baby, let me do it the way I want.”

         “Your alien baby,” Justin laughed, “it’s going to be so funny when you’re holding the baby in your arms and I call it an alien baby and you kick my ass.”

         I laughed, “I will kick your ass if you even try it.”

         “I know. So, I can come by around one? I’ll bring some lunch.”

         I think I squealed, all right, I don’t think, I know I squealed. “Good food, ok?”

         “Absolutely,” he chuckled, “I should go to sleep.”

         “OK. I’m excited. Are you excited?”

         “Of course I’m excited. It’ll be good to see ya, D. I miss you already. I’ll call you when I’m on my way, in case you need anything.”

         “Alright, thanks. See you tomorrow.”

         “Alright. Sleep well.”

         “Thanks Justin, good night.”

 

         It was close to impossible to get my father to leave that morning. I know he’s just looking out for me and wants to be here for me but seriously, I need some alone time.  Sure, my alone time is more like Justin time, since he should be here any minute.

I’m so excited!

         When I heard him pull in the driveway I had to stop myself from running to the door because I didn’t want to look too pathetic. So I let him knock before opening it, “Hi!” I shouted, way too excitedly and jumped in his arms.

         “Hey,” he laughed, “Let me put the stuff down so I can give you a real hug.”

         “Oh, yeah. Ok, come on in the kitchen. You brought a lot of stuff.”

         “Yeah you eat a lot and I want to eat too,” he chuckled before placing the box of food on the table, “How are you doing, D?”

         “Good,” I smiled and hugged him for real this time, “Did you have fun fishing?”

         “Sure did. I missed ya, kid.”

         “I missed you too,” I said as he hugged me again, “It’s been a whole day.”

         “Yeah,” he laughed and pulled away, “Nice house.”

         “Thanks, it is nice. Air conditioning and everything, you don’t have to bring your own.” I said as I looked through the food, “I’ll give you a tour but I think we should eat first.”

         “Oh, of course.”

 

         It’s really good to see Delia again. I know we just left the center yesterday morning, but it really feels likes it’s been a lot longer. We just have this weird connection that I can’t even begin to explain. After we ate lunch, which was a lot faster than it would be in normal situations since she pretty much inhales any food in sight, she showed me around the house.

         “And in here is going to be the baby’s room.”  She said before opening the door to the room across the hall from the master bedroom. “I know there’s not much now but…”

         “Are you serious?” I broke in, walking around the room that was completely empty; besides the boxes of clothes and things she must have got at the baby shower yesterday.    

         “Yeah?” she looked at me as if I were crazy.

         “D, you’re six months pregnant.”

         “Six and a half,” she answered under her breath.

         “Six and a half!” I shouted, “You have two months, you need to get going.”

         “Now you sound like my mother.”

         I laughed as I walked around the room, “Seriously you need to…” I paused as I gathered my thoughts, “Will you let me help you do it? It’ll be your baby shower gift? I’ll get you the furniture and paint it and everything. You know, I have a friend that’s a crazy artist. She does murals and stuff. I’m sure she’d paint whatever you want on the walls. You could have a whole scene going on. A jungle or Cinderella or whatever you want really.”

         “That’s nice but I can’t let you…”

         “No, I want to. I’m going to,” I broke in, “It’ll be fun, like a project. It’ll be something to keep us busy. Do you have a computer?”

         “Yeah, of course I have a computer but I don’t think you should do a whole room Justin. Maybe you can like… paint it or something.”

         I looked at her as if she’s crazy, “I don’t do any of that half a project shit. It’s all or nothing D and it’s going to be all. You don’t have much time, you’re not going to want to worry about getting a room set up, it’s a lot of work. Trust me.  You can pick everything out, it’s not like I’m going to decorate it all myself. Just let me do it. It’ll give me an excuse to be here all the time, if nothing else.”

         “OK,” she answered after listening carefully, “But only if you promise that you won’t spend like thousands of dollars on it and you’ll let me pay for it if it gets really high.”

         “Yeah, yeah, sure,” there no way in hell but I’ll let her think that. The truth is I could definitely use something to keep me busy and this would be perfect. “Where’s your computer?”

         Delia laughed as she walked out of the room and I followed closely behind, “I can do like… anything on the wall?”

         “Yup, anything you want. Lemmie had the Disney princesses.”

         “No, I want The Jungle Book.”

         I laughed as we made it into the living room and she handed me her laptop, “Sounds like you’ve had that one planned.”

         “Yeah, that’s my favorite movie,” she giggled.  It’s good that she’s getting excited about it, I’m glad she’s finally getting excited about the fact that she’s going to have a baby in a couple months.  “Want to watch it?” she asked before getting up and grabbing the DVD before I could answer.

         “Are you serious?”

         “Yeah. We can watch it while we’re picking out stuff… and we can sing along with the songs too.”

         “You’re crazy,” I laughed. It’s weird to see her light up so much with the mention of The Jungle Book.

         “I am not. You have to sing along, I’m pregnant and that means I get what I want.”

         “Oh is that what it means?”

         “Uh huh,” she smiled and sat back on the couch

 

~*~*~*~*~*~

 

         A week passed and the baby’s room was really coming together.  It’s getting real now; I’m excited but also scared to death. How am I going to raise a child on my own? More importantly, how am I supposed to squeeze a baby out of that little hole between my legs?

         Justin has been over almost every day. At first I felt bad for having him here all the time but he’s assured me that he wants to be. I believe him too, it’s good for us to keep busy.

         It’s good having him around.

         I made milkshakes for Justin and his friend that’s painting the room. He won’t let me in the room because of the paint fumes so I’m forced to keep myself busy making them food. I’m hungry pretty much all the time so I guess it works out. But I’m bored too and could use some damn conversation.

         I knocked on the door, “Don’t come in!” Justin shouted, just like he shouts every time I knock on the door. If I was going to just come in I wouldn’t have knocked, it is my house for gods sake.

         “I’m not! Open the door!”

         Justin quickly opened the door and squeezed out so fast if I had blinked I would have believed in teleportation.  “You need to stop trying to get in the room.”

         “I’m not trying to get in the room. I’m bringing you guys milkshakes.”

         He laughed, “Thanks, you’re going to get us fat.”

         “I’m so bored,” I whined, “it’s not fair, why can’t I come in?”

         “The fumes D, we’ve been through this.”

         “What if I wear one of those masks?”

         “She’s almost done. Be patient.”

         I took a deep breath, this isn’t fair. I’m bored out of my mind and it’s my damn house. I should be able to go in the room that my baby is going to live in. “Does it look nice?”

         Justin chuckled and grabbed the milkshakes of the tray, “It looks great, you can see in a couple days when it’s all aired out. Go watch a movie or something, you’ve gotta have stuff to do.”

         “I guess I could put some of the clothes away… oh but I can’t cause I’m not allowed in the room!”

         “You are absolutely ridiculous. The baby is making you crazy. Why don’t you put the clothes on hangers and I’ll put them in the room later on?”

         I guess that could work. I nodded my head as he went into the room quickly and came back a few seconds later with a box of clothes.

         “In your room or downstairs?”

         “Right here, I’m going to sit right here.”

         “In the hallway?”

         “Yeah, then we can still talk.”

         “Are you sure? That’s not going to be comfortable, I mean why not go down on the couch?” I ignored him and managed to very awkwardly sit on the ground. He chuckled and placed the box next to me, “Alright, or you can sit on the floor. You’ve become very needy in your pregnant state. Needy and stubborn.”

I gave him a dirty look before grabbing a onesie to put on a hanger, “You’ve only known me while I was pregnant.” I reminded him.

         “Alright, true. But it’s just started recently.”

         “You can leave if you want, no one’s making you stay.”

         He chuckled again as I took a sip from my milkshake, “You’re cute when you get pissed about the stupidest thing. I’ll talk to you through the wall.”

         I took a deep breath as he walked quickly back into the room. I tried to look inside but he’s way too fast. It’s annoying. He’s annoying. This little shit kicking me like she’s a soccer player is annoying.  I’m not a big fan of being pregnant. Sure, it’ll be cool when it pops out but this whole growing inside of me thing is not so cool.

         Justin gave me some books and magazines about being pregnant since he seems to be into this more than I am. I guess it’s because he’s had a kid and he went through the whole pregnancy thing before. In the books all it talks about is how being pregnant is so wonderful and such a great experience, well that’s all bullshit. I’m done after this kid, that’s for sure. I’m not having another one until there’s a microwave type thing that’ll cool the egg and sperm until they turn into a baby and I can just open a door and have a baby.

         “I thought you wanted to talk,” Justin spoke through the door. I could feel him sitting down behind me on the other side of the door.

         “I don’t anymore, you’re being a jerk.”

         “How am I being a jerk?”

         “You just are. Stop laughing at everything, it’s not funny.”

         “You’ve become a crazy, hormonal bitch. It’s just the hormones so I’m not going to hold it against you but shit D, try and relax.”

         “How am I supposed to relax when I can’t even see my feet when I’m standing up? And he’s kicking me all the time, on purpose, like he’s doing it to piss me off.”

         “He?”

         “Or she. Why do you always feel the need to correct that?”

         “I’m sorry,” he answered with a quick chuckle.

 

 

         I swear she was not this crazy a few weeks ago.

         I can’t help but laugh at her but I need to try and stop since it seems to be pissing her off even more.  It’s just that she reminds me so much of Kelly when she’s like that. When Kelly was pregnant with Lemmie I would have sworn she was bipolar. The random bitchy spurts were followed by major needy and cuddling fits. Not that it really gets to that point with Delia but shit, she’s got the bitchy spurts down pat.

         I don’t know if that’s the reason why I find myself spending so much time here, because she reminds me so much of Kelly. That’s part of it, I suppose, but I also know how hard it is for Delia to be going through this all on her own.  And then there is the fact that I’m not sure how the hell I’d make it if she had never come into my life.

         The doorbell rang and I could hear her trying to get up from the other side of the room. I tried to hold in the laughter but that just wasn’t going to happen. “You alright?”

         “I can’t get up,” she whined.

         I stood up and straightened myself out so I didn’t get bitched at when she saw me laughing at her. “Come on,” I said as I grabbed onto her hand and helped her up. “Are you expecting somebody?”

         “No. Maybe it’s the crib.”

         “Oh yeah, probably,” I said as I followed her downstairs. She made a turn into the kitchen and grabbed a cupcake from the counter, completely forgetting the ringing of the doorbell that brought us down here in the first place. I laughed as she inhaled the cupcake, “The door?”

         “OH,” she answered with a mouth full of cupcake and grabbed another one before walking to the front door.  “Hi.”

         “Hi,” the man at the door chuckled. Delia is, at this moment, just about the most stereotypical pregnant lady every to walk the planet. She’d also make a good sitcom.

         “Do you want a cupcake?” she asked, still with her mouth full.

         “Sure,” the man laughed again, “Where do you want the crib?”

         Delia just ignored him completely and went into the kitchen to grab the plate of cupcakes.

         “Uh, just over here man, thanks.” I answered for her.

         Delia followed closely behind the two men who placed the box with the crib in it in the living room. She hardly gave them enough room to breathe, “The ones with the chocolate frosting are vanilla and the ones with the pink frosting are strawberry.”

         “Thank you,” they answered as they each grabbed one.

         “Do you want a milkshake? I can make you a milkshake.”

         I laughed as I opened the box, “I think they’re good D.”

 

 

         “What are you making?”  Justin asked as he came into the kitchen one morning. He slept over last night, as in we both fell asleep on the couch while we were watching a movie.  That tends to happen a lot. Sometimes he just stays over, sometimes he leaves at night and comes back first thing in the morning. I have no complaints. I still think he should move in, I have an extra room and he’d be a good housemate.  Although, he does have a huge house a few miles away so I doubt he’d ever want to do that.  Especially when this kid pops out and there’s all the crying at all hours of the night.

         “It’s a breakfast casserole,” I said as I placed the pan in the oven, “and some French toast.”

         “You’re going to have both?”

          I gave him a dirty look, I don’t know why he asks such stupid questions. I’ve been eating like this since he met me, you’d think he’d be used to it by now.

         He chuckled, “Of course, my bad. Two more months, and then what are you going to do? Were you one of those girls that eats like a bird before you got pregnant?”

         “No, I always ate like a pig,” I laughed as I grabbed some bread, “Not this bad though.”

         “I would hope not,” he said as he made himself some coffee, “I’m getting a big cake belly myself, thanks to you. I need to start working out again.”

         “Nooo,” I said as I licked some frosting off a leftover cupcake, “Wait for me, you can be my exercise buddy.”

         “You mean you’re not going to kick me out after the baby’s room is done?”

         “Last night you said it was done!”

         “I said it was almost done.”

         I let out a sigh as I beat the eggs, “Well go finish it!” I whined.

         Justin chuckled before leaning against the counter, “I will, you’re so impatient.”

         “I am not, my baby wants a room.”

         “How are you feeling?”

         “I’m fine. This frosting is really good.”

 

 

~*~*~*~~*~

        

         “Alright, close your eyes.”  I said as I stopped in front of the baby’s room. Delia hasn’t seen the finished room yet. She’s real excited to see it and I’ll be honest, I’m real excited for her to see it. I think it came out awesome, hell I know it did. She’s going to love it.

         “They are closed.”

         I looked back and laughed at her, standing there with her eyes wide open. “Really D? Just close your damn eyes!” I moved behind her and placed my hands over her eyes, “Alright, walk… keep going… a little further. Alright, stop.” I said when she got to the middle of the room. “Alright, open your eyes!”

         I moved to the side so I could see her reaction. Her mouth literally fell open as she turned around slowly taking in the entire room. She didn’t say anything.

         Then she cried.

         “Those are good tears, right?” I asked with a chuckle.

         She shook her head and brought her hands to cover face. Now she’s sobbing.

         Shit.

         What’d I do wrong?

         I looked around the room. I don’t get it.  It’s everything she said she wanted. There’s the Jungle Book mural on the wall, the crib and other furnature she picked out… I don’t get it.

         She’s still crying.

         “What’s the matter? You don’t like it?”

         Delia shook her head again.

         “What don’t you like? I can fix it…”

         She’s still crying and shaking her head. I really don’t get it.

         “Delia, it’s alright, stop crying.” I gave her a hug and she fell into my arms, “I can fix it, whatever it is you don’t like.”

         “No,” she finally spoke between the tears, “No, it’s… it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. Thank you so much.”

         I let out a sigh of relief, she had me scared. Why did she shake her head no when I asked if they were good tears? I swear she’s gone crazy. “You’re welcome D, thanks for letting me do it.”

         Delia hugged me tighter and took a deep breath before pulling away and wiping her eyes quickly. She walked to the picture of her and her husband I had enlarged and put on the wall. “That’s so… perfect. Where did you find it?”

         “It was in one of the boxes.”

         “It’s perfect,” she repeated, falling into my arms again, “It’s absolutely perfect. Thank you.”

         I nodded my head, “It’s a good picture.”

         She laughed for a quick second and pulled away, “It is a good picture. It’s from our honeymoon.”

         “Where did you guys go?”

         “Italy. All over and then we went to Greece too for a couple days. It was so much fun. We saw everything and we ate so much,” she paused to laugh, I definitely believe that she ate a lot of food in Italy. Although probably not as much as she does now. “Have you been?”

         “Yeah, Kelly and I actually went on our honeymoon.”

         “That’s weird,” she said as she walked around the room slowly taking it all in. “It’s perfect,” she repeated for the fifth time before stopping at the crib and taking a few deep breath and… yup… she’s crying again.

         “What Delia? What’s wrong?”

         “It’s perfect, it really is. It’s just that…”

         “What?”

         Delia tried to get herself together but she’s crying a lot, she’s getting me worried.  “I just can’t do this. I can’t. Seriously.  I can’t have a baby. I can’t do this by myself. I couldn’t have even done it with Chase here. He would have done everything and I’m not… a mom. I’m not motherly. I’m a fucking mess. This kid is going to be fucked up and it’s going to be my fault.”

         “Wait, stop. Delia, come on. I know it’s scary, it’s scary for everyone that’s going to be a parent. I was scared out of my mind, but it works out. You have that baby and you hold it in your arms and you’re a mother. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s really that simple. Something just clicks and you’re a mom. And the fact that you’re questioning yourself, and it’s hard for you think of yourself as being able to raise a kid just proves that you are. You’re going to be a great mother Delia. I know it’d hard without Chase but you’ll be great. You have people around to help you. You have me, you have your parents, you have your friends. You’re not alone. Stop worrying about it, it’s not good for the little one.”

 

         I’m going to be really happy when these random breakdowns go away. Although one would think that would go away after this baby pops out I kind of have a feeling it won’t. They were here before I was pregnant so why would they go away when I stop being pregnant? Alright, I guess technically I was pregnant I just did’t know.  the point is I’m not sure if I can pinpoint it to the actual pregnancy or the whole Chase thing.

         Thank god for Justin. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m such a mess with him here, I can’t even imagine if I had no one that really got what I was going through. Although, he seems to be getting through it a lot easier than I am. He doesn’t seem to be anywhere near as big of a mess as I am.

         The baby’s room looks absolutely amazing. I can’t belive how great the mural looks, it’s like a real scene from The Jungle Book. I love it all, but there’s no doubt that my favorite is the picture of Chase and I.  That’s something that’s really been bothering me, how I can make sure that Chase is still a huge part of the baby’s life. The picture is definitely a start.

         “You’re a good cook,” Justin said as he helped himself to a second pulled pork sandwich.

         “Thank you. I like to cook. But now, I’d eat just about everything so I can’t tell if it’s really good or it’s just good for me.”

         “It’s really good,” he chuckled as he sat back down at the table. 

         “I’m glad. It’s the least I could do to repay you for the room and everything.”

         “Oh stop. Seriously Delia, I told you, that was as much for me as it was for you. It was good to have something to keep me busy, I needed a project.”

         “So now what are you going to do? What’s your next project?”

         He looked down at his food instead of answering me and I immediately felt my heart sink. I meant that as a joke but he does have another project in mind, one that will keep him bust, far away from me no doubt.

         “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you.”

         “Why?” I’m scared. There’s no hiding it. Although, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he left.  He has his own life, he can’t stay here taking care of me forever.

         “I’m… I’m going to home for a little. Back to LA. just for a couple days but I need to take care of some stuff.”

         “Nooo,” I whined, “Why?”

         “It’s just a couple days, literally. I mean, I’d say you can come but you’re kind of on the no fly list,” he chuckled before looking up and seeing I do not find this at all amusing and stopped, “It’s really only a couple days D, I’ll be back.”

         “Why do you have to go now though?”

         “I haven’t been home in months and I just need to make sure everything’s alright and get some stuff…”

         “But you said you were going to stay down here for awhile,” I broke in before he could finish, “That’s what you said. “

         “That’s what I’m doing. Let me finish. I need to get some stuff in LA and get everything straightened out so I can come back. I’ll be there for litereally two days. I’m going now so I’ll be back when you have the baby. There’s plenty of time.”

         “What am I going to do?” it’s probably not that good that the thought of him going to Los Angeles for two whole days makes me feel like I can’t make it on my own.  I know it’s stupid, but it’s just that no one get it like he does and I really haven’t spent more than a couple hours away from him since we met .

         “You’ll be fine,” he chuckled,  “It will go by so fast and you can call me whenever you want. We’ll talk all the time.”

         “It’s not the same.”

         “It’s two days. I have to go D and I’ll be back before anything happens.”

         “I’ll be all alone.”

         “No you won’t,” he laughed again, “Come on, you’re being a pregnant drama queen. You have plently of people around.”

         “Like?”

         “Your parents, your friends…”

         “I don’t have any friends.”

         He laughed again, “Yes you do! That girl was just over the other day.”

         “Oh yeah, Katie.”

         “Oh yeah, Katie,” he mimicked, “You’ll be absolutely fine Delia. I’ll come right back and you won’t even know I was gone,” yeah, I absolutely doubt that. “I’ll even bring you back a present.”

         “You’re going to bring me a present?”

         “Now you’re all ok with it?” he laughed, “God, you girls are all the same.  I will, I’ll bring you back something.”

         “OK. I don’t want you to go but if you bring me back a present…”

         “Oh sure, nice . I see how it is.”

         “No,” I laughed as I made myself another sandwich, “I don’t want you to go but I guess I understand that you need to. I guess. But if you bring me back a present I guess it’s ok. Only two days.”

         “Yeah,” he laughed, “We’ll be fine for two days.”

 

 

         “The room looks amazing,” Katie said as she walked around the newly set up baby’s room like a trapped polar bear, going the same route over and over again, “Like, something straight out of a magazine.”

         “I know, isn’t it awesome?”

         “Amazing,” she smiled and stopped at the picture of Chase and I, “I love that picture.” I nodded my head, unable to think of something to say. “Are you doing alright?” she turned around to face me.

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head again and fixed the diapers on the changing table that obviously didn’t need to be fixed. “It just… sucks that Chase isn’t here.  It sucks that he didn’t even know that I was pregnant, ya’know? He wanted a kid so bad.”

         “I know sweetie. But it’s also kinda cool cause it’s like you still have a piece of him, you still have this kid that’s half of him.”

         I nodded my head one more time. I’m thinking of Chase a lot more since Justin went back to Los Angeles. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I kind of feel like it’s bad that I don’t think about him as much when Justin is around. Although, I guess it’s good. I confuse myself with all this over thinking.  “Want a cupcake?”

         “Yeah, sounds good.”

         We headed downstairs and sat in the kitchen after I grabbed the tray of cupcakes. “They’re good,” I said before taking a huge bite. I could live off cupcakes, I’ve decided. They’re so amazing.

         “So when is your partner in crime coming back?”

         I held up two fingers while I finished chewing, “Not tomorrow but the next day.”

         “He seems like a real cool guy.”

         “Yeah. He’s like me. He gets me and gets everything. Except he’s not as big of a mess as I am so he calms me down.  And he’s way into baby-ness cause he had a daughter and knows how to deal with pregnant people.”

         Katie laughed before grabbing her first cupcake, “Well I’m glad you found him. You guys are good together.”

         “Owww!” I screamed louder than I’ve ever screamed in my life, “That fucking hurts.”

         “What? What’s wrong?”

         “My stomach! Oww, oh my god!”

 

         I stood at the front door of my house unable to walk inside. I took a deep breath and looked at the door in front of me. Although I thought I’ve made a lot of steps over the past few months in dealing with the deaths of my girls now that I’m standing here in front of our house I feel like all that progress is thrown away.

         I took another deep breath before realizing how ridiculous I am. This is my house and I can’t run away from it forever. I need to deal with it.

         As I stepped into my house I stood in the doorway, taking it all in. It’s a good thing I decided to come alone; I need to do this on my own. It’s really not as scary as I thought it would be, although there is this empty feeling that comes along with it. Although it is empty, no one’s been in here for months.

         I went right upstairs and sat at the foot of my bed. I couldn’t tell you how long I was there even if I wanted to. When I finally gained the strength I went to pack up the things I came here for in the first place, then I went to Lemmie’s room and just stood there.

         I stood at the window and watched the sun set when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

         “Hey D, how are you doing?”

         “Hi, Justin? Is this Justin?” a girl, not Delia, answered. I pulled the phone away from my ear and saw that whoever this girl is was calling from Delia’s phone.

         “Yeah. Who’s this?”

         “This is Katie, I’m Delia’s friend. We met a few days ago…”

         “Yeah. Hey, what’s up?”

         “Delia is um… I was over there and she had this pain in her stomach and it was real bad like she was screaming. So we brought her to the hospital and…”

         “Is she alright? Is the baby alright?” I felt my heart beating in my throat. God, I can’t take anything happening to her or the baby, I just can’t.

         “Yeah, well I think. I brought her in and they said the baby was coming now and they’re going to induce labor.”

         “WHAT?” I shouted and began pacing around the room, “She’s only 7 months pregnant, she’s got two more months.”

         “I know, but they said they had to.”

         “Well what’s going on? Is everything alright?”

         “She’s in labor now. Her mother is with her. I just know she’d want you to know and I figured you’d probably want to know too. I mean, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. The doctors don’t seem worried, that’s a good sign, right? I’ll call you back when I hear anything.”

         “Yeah, make sure. Thanks for calling me Katie.”

         “Sure, of course, no problem.”

         Fuck.

         Why does nothing ever work out the way it should? Why the fuck does she go into labor the first day I’m away from her in four fucking months? How does that even fucking happen?

 

~*~*~*

 

         It was almost midnight by the time I got to the hospital. I was surprised that no one was around and Delia was in the room alone. I knocked on the open door, in case she was asleep.

         “Hey,” she smiled and sat up, putting the television on mute, “You’re supposed to be in LA.”

         “I’m back. I brought you a milkshake and some food from the diner.”

         “Thank you, that’s sweet. You didn’t have to do that,” she grabbed the bag and cup from my hands so fast there’s really no point in her pretending she doesn’t want it. “You didn’t have to come back.”

         “Of course I was going to come back. So, how is everything? What’s going on?”

         “I have a kid.” She smiled; I’ve never seen a smile that big before.

         “Yeah?” I felt a huge sense of relief and excitement come over me, “Everything all right?”

         “Yeah. Well no. I mean, he’s really small and has some health problems but they said that he’d be fine. They need to keep him here in the NICU for a while and they need to keep me here too.  He has this thing called apnea that’s when he stops breathing and like even turns a little blue or something. The nurse said that he’s in the NICU and they monitor that and there’s this thing in his nose that blows air into his body all the time so it keeps his airways open.”

         I nodded my head, “That’s nothing to worry about, I had that when I was a newborn.”

         “Really?”

         “Yeah. Don’t worry. What else?”

         “They said he has low blood pressure and his heart is beating weird but that’s nothing to worry about because it could just be because of everything. They said if it’s still off tomorrow they’d do more tests.”

         “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

         “Yeah, I hope so. That’s it. He’s really cute. He’s tiny though and his head is a little misshaped,” she laughed, “But the nurses promised me that it’s just because of the way he was laying in my womb and he’ll be fine. I hope she’s right because I don’t want him to get made fun of when he’s older because his head is crooked.”

         I laughed at her reasoning, I feel really relieved that it seems like everything is going to be fine. “He huh? So it’s a boy?”

 

         “Oh yeah,” she giggled, how could I forgot to say it’s a boy. That’s usually the first thing the parents say! “He’ s a boy. A really adorable, tiny, cutie pie boy.”

         “Named?”

         Delia giggled again, “Sorry, I forget the basic stuff. His name is Aaron. Aaron Chase. Cute, right?”

         “Adorable. Congratulations Delia.”

         “Thank you,” I don’t think she could wipe that smile off her face if she tried. “Do you want to go see him? We can look at him from outside.”

         “Absolutely.”

         “Yay! I need the wheelchair though, cause they get mad when I try to walk.”

         “How are you feeling?”

         “Fine actually. I’m in a little pain, but it wasn’t that bad at all. I mean, it hurt like hell but he kind of came right out. He wanted out.”

         Justin laughed as he helped me in the wheelchair, “That’s good. It could have been a lot worse.”

         “Yeah, I know. I just wish he could have waited a couple months.” I said as Justin rolled me down the hall, “It’s a relief that he’s out and everything but I’m still really nervous. I mean, what if something is seriously wrong with him?”

         “They have so much technology now D, there are so many babies born prematurely nowadays. It’s not as big of a deal as it used to be. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine,” Justin said a he placed a hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

         “Thanks Justin. Thanks for everything. Thanks for finishing his bedroom and for making me get it done instead of procrastinating forever. “

         “You’re welcome,” he answered with a chuckle, “Relax D, I’m glad I could help, I’m glad I could be there to help. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you went into labor.” He spoke the last part softly, like he was really mad at himself for missing it. I looked back to see that his face matched his tone, he looks really upset about it. I absolutely understand. He thought he could go then so he would be back in time for Aaron to pop out. How could he have possibly known?

         “I know, what the fuck was that about? You said nothing would happen for the two days you were gone and look what happened.”

         Justin laughed at my sarcasm, “You’re right, it’s all my fault.”

         “Of course is it,” I smiled as we got to the nursery Aaron was in. “It’s right here, pull over.”

         “Pull over?” he laughed, “I’m pushing a wheelchair Delia, not driving a truck.” I laughed before standing up. Justin grabbed onto my arm, “Are you sure you should be getting up?”

         “Absolutely positive. Can you see him? Can you guess which one is him?”

 

         I stood in front of a wall with floor to ceiling windows, looking into the nursery. It brings back memories, memories of that day what seams like a lifetime ago that I was standing here with Kelly looking in at my baby Lemmie. Although, it was different then. Lemmie wasn’t premature, she wasn’t in an incubator and there weren’t tubes all over her body.

         “Justin?” Delia looked away from the window to look at me.

         “Yeah?”

         “Can you guess which one is him?”

         “Uh,” I looked at the incubators, unable to really see the actual babies all that well, especially not enough to tell which one looks the slightest bit like Delia. “That one right there, in the second row,” I pointed.

         Her mouth dropped open, “How did you know that?!”

         I laughed, as I held onto her tighter; she almost lost her balance there for a minute. “It’s got your last name on the side of the incubator.”

         “Oh, you jerk,” she slapped my arm, “I thought you could actually tell.”

         “I can’t even see what he looks like D, don’t take it personally.”

         She rolled her eyes sarcastically just as a nurse spotted her and wheeled the incubator closer to the window so I could get a good look.  He’s a lot smaller than I though he would be, a lot smaller. Honestly, now that I see him I’m kind of nervous. He’s so tiny. Compared to Lemmie, and she was on the small side herself. I feel like Aaron isn’t even half the size.

         “He’s gorgeous,” I said so I wouldn’t worry Delia, that’s the last thing I want to do. His arms and legs look like sticks. I could feel my heart beating in my chest.

         “He is, isn’t he?” Delia smiled, unable to keep her eyes off her son.

         “He sure is.”

         She laughed and blew him a kiss before turning around, “I’m really tired.”

         “Yeah, let’s go back to the room,” instead of helping her into the wheelchair I pulled her into a tight hug, watching her son carefully.

         “What’s going on?” she laughed.

         “Nothing,” I answered quickly, “Congratulations D.”

         “Thank you,” she giggled as she sat back down in the chair, “He’s so cute, isn’t he?”

         “Yeah, he really is. How much does he weight?”

         “Two pounds exactly.”

         I nodded my head as I wheeled her back to her room. I’m not sure if she doesn’t get it or what. Maybe I’m overreacting, I sure hope I am. But two pounds is hardly anything; Lemmie was six pounds seven ounces. Aaron is not even a third of the size Lemmie was.  His limbs look like they could snap off if someone looks at them the wrong way. How is she not worried? I know she doesn’t have experience with babies, but does she really think this is normal? I need to know what’s going on.  I know the doctors sometimes like to try and make everyone think everything is going fine, even when it’s not. When there’s nothing anyone can do they like to try and keep everyone calm and pretend it’s normal.  I’ll never understand why they do that; it just makes shit a hundred times worse when you don’t expect it to happen.

         “So where is everyone?” I asked when we got back to the room.

         “The doctors told them they had to leave, they said I needed to rest.”

         “Do you want me to leave?”

         “No, please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone.”

         “I figured,” I said as I grabbed a pillow and got comfortable on the chair.

         “Thanks for staying with me Justin.”

         “I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry.”

         She fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow. I don’t think she even knew how tired she was.  I waited a few minutes before sneaking out of the room. I need to find a doctor. I need them to tell me the truth instead of the bullshit. I need to know. 

 

         “Where were you?” Delia asked the second I walked into the room.

         “You’re up early,” I said to ignore her question. How am I supposed to tell her I was out there trying to figure out what’s really going on with her two pound son?

         “Yeah, the nurse woke me up early to make sure I’m alright. It’s a complete waste if you ask me, I’m not all right, and I’m tired.  That would have been solved if they let me sleep without waking me up to see if I’m alright.”

         “Why don’t you try and go back to sleep?”

         “That’s not going to happen. Now I’m awake and hungry and…” she paused as I sat down on the chair next to her bed, “Where were you? You never answered me.”

         “Just getting some coffee.”

         “Where is it?”      

         “Where is what?”

         “Your coffee!”

         “Oh, they… they didn’t have any.”

         “They didn’t have any coffee?”

         “No.” she doesn’t believe me, I’m a horrible liar, I don’t know why but it’s just the way it is. “I mean, they had coffee. It was cold.”

         “Cold coffee at 7 in the morning? Why are you lying to me? Where were you? Do you know something I don’t know? Where were you?”

         “No, I don’t. Calm down. I was just trying to get some more information on Aaron. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have but I just wanted to know what’s going on. No one is telling me anything.”

         Delia looked at me for a second before speaking. I can’t tell if she’s pissed or not. I could see if she’d be pissed but it’s not like I’m purposely going behind her back. I just think they’re feeding her bullshit and she’s not worrying when for once maybe she should be.

         Delia laughed, “The nurse kept telling me my husband was out there starting trouble.”

         “I told them I wasn’t your husband.”

         “So did I, and then they said; alright, you’re boyfriend and I said once again, no. Then finally she’s like, well your baby’s father and I said NO. It’s like it’s impossible for a guy and a girl to be friends, jeez.”

         She’s still laughing. It’s not that funny. “Are you alright?”

         “No, not really.” She stopped laughing and took a deep breath. “Do you think there’s something they’re not telling me?”

         “They aren’t telling me anything.”

         “I didn’t ask if they were telling you anything. I asked if you think there is something they’re not telling me.”

         “I don’t know D,” I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair, “I don’t know what’s going on.  All I know is to me he looks really small, smaller than the other premature babies there.  I don’t know what that means. Maybe they’re older than him, maybe they’ve been in the incubator longer. Maybe I’m over reacting and he’s completely fine. I don’t know. I don’t want you to get worried when we don’t know what’s going on but I don’t want you to think everything’s perfect with him when it might not be either. I really, don’t know what to say.”

         Before I finished she started crying, so much so that her whole body started to shake. It’s like she’s been holding it in for years but we all know that’s not the case.

         “I could be completely wrong. I don’t know anything about premature babies.”

         “They said he’s alright.”

         “Well maybe he is then,” I sat next to her on the bed and pulled her into a hug, “Don’t worry, we’ll get it figured out.”

         “I’m not worrying,” she pulled away from me and tried to get out of the bed, “I just want to make sure he’s alright.  He’s two pounds Justin, TWO POUNDS! We could go to McDonalds and get a cheeseburger the same weight as my son!”

         “You mean a quarter pounder, we could get eight quarter pounders. They’re a quarter pound before they’re cooked. It’s mostly fat and shit, that’s why they’re so small by the time you get them. After they’re cooked they’re like…” I stopped when I saw the look she was giving me. That was clearly not the right thing to say. 

         Delia stood up, or tried to but I grabbed onto her arm. She pulled it away from me and sat in the wheelchair.

         “Where are you going?” I asked as I stood next to her.

         “You mean where are we going. To see my son! I need to figure this out; I need to know the truth. I can’t take him being sick. I can’t take him dying.”

         I wish I could assure her that isn’t going to happen but I can’t. I can’t feed people shit about this kind of stuff like everyone else des. Too many people told me everything would be all right with Kelly and Lemmie; I know they just say shit to make you feel better. The problem is it doesn’t make you feel better. It makes you feel worse.

         So instead of lying to her and giving her false hope, I decided to push her and her wheelchair wherever she wants to go.

         Hours passed with the two of us sitting by the incubator. Delia kept her hand in the little hole and gently ran her finger along Aaron’s tiny body. I couldn’t stay still. I stood for a little, then sat down, and then paced around over and over. Where the fuck are the doctors? Why isn’t anyone saying anything? The nurses come in every half an hour and check the machines, then look at Aaron for a couple minutes, putting their hands in the little holes on the other side. Delia never takes hers out.

         She’s in her own world right now; she hasn’t looked away from Aaron since we got in here. She hasn’t said a word either. I’m the complete opposite. I can’t look at him for too long, he makes me nervous.  I look around at the other babies, I know it’s horrible but I’m looking for a kid smaller than he is. I can’t find any.

         I saw her parents looking in the windows, “Delia.” More proof she’s in her own world, even when I talk to her she doesn’t hear anything. “D. Delia,” I placed my hand on her shoulder.

         “What?” she asked softly, still not removing her eyes from her son.

         “Your parents are here,” still nothing. “D, your parents.”

         “OK.”

         “Do you want me to let them in?’

         “No, I want them to go home,” she has absolutely no feeling in her voice, it’s just empty. It’s killing me, honestly. “Yeah, they can come in.”

         I went to the door to let her parents in, her mom just kind of looked at me trying to figure out what I was doing here.  “She uh, Delia said you can go right in.”

         Her mother walked right past me but her father stood at the door with me for a second, “Justin, right?”

         “Yes Sir, I’m Justin.”

         “Jason,” he said as he shook my hand, “How are you doing?”

         “Me? Yeah, I’m alright.” Why is he asking how I’m doing? I’m the last one here that he should be asking.

         “How’s Delia doing?”

         “She’s… I don’t now. She’s kind of dazed out and not talking or anything.”

         Her father nodded his head, “Where are you off to?”

         “I was just going to go for a walk.”

         He nodded his head again, “Would you mind some company?”

         “No, not at all.”

         “Just give me a minute, so I can go see Delia for a second.”

         I went to the hallway and watched from the window as he went inside and kissed Delia on the forehead.  He said something and she nodded her head, still unable to take her eyes off Aaron.

         I’m a little confused about what Delia’s father wants with me.  Maybe he just needs some time away from it all, although he did just get here. He came out of the room and we walked down the hall, neither of us saying anything until we made it outside.

         “When did you get here?”

         “A little before midnight last night.”

         He nodded his head, “Weren’t you in Los Angeles?”

         “Yes Sir, I flew back as soon as I heard.”

         “I want to thank you for everything. I know it probably doesn’t seem like much but you really can’t have any idea how much you mean to my daughter. She really… I don’t think she would have gotten as far as she did over those months if she hadn’t met you.”

         “Oh, I feel the same way about her, but thank you. That means a lot.”

         “For you to fly back and… she really did want you here.   You make her feel much more comfortable with everything. I don’t know how you do it,” he let out a quick laugh, “But thanks, really. We’ll pay you back somehow, someday.”

         “Oh, that’s absolutely not necessary, Sir.  She’s helped me more than I could ever explain.”

         He nodded his head again, and smiled for a split second before he continued, “He was a good guy, Chase. He knew how to handle Delia; he knew how to take care of her when she needed that extra help. He loved her, he really loved her.  And she loved him, more than anything.  I never saw her as happy as she was with him.  When I first heard he didn’t make it I thought I’d never see her smile again, and that killed me. For those months before she went to that center I never saw her smile.  You know, even to this day, or that period between getting out of the center and coming in here I didn’t see her smile that much. But when she was with you, or she was telling us you were coming over or she was even talking about you she had a smile really similar to that smile she had with Chase. I never thought I’d see that again.”

         I’m not sure how I’m supposed to respond to this.

         “Alright,” he started walking again, “I just wanted to thank you for all you’re doing, it means a lot. Have the doctors said anything?”

         “Nah, they won’t say anything to me. They don’t seem to be saying much to Delia either.”

         Her father took a deep breath and placed a hand on my shoulder, “We’ll get something out of them.”

 

         Why does my mother insist on talking to me? Leave me alone! I just want to be here with my son. Why is that too much to ask? She asks how I’m doing but doesn’t wait for a response.  Instead, she just keeps talking about fucking everything. I’ve learned to tune her out completely but I wish she’d just leave.

         I noticed my dad come back in followed closely by Justin.  Justin stood by the door, watching either Aaron or me carefully; I’m not sure which. I still can’t take my eyes off Aaron so I’m dealing with peripheral vision here.

         My father placed his hand on my shoulder, “How are you doing, Delia?”

         “Horrible.”

         How can I tell my parents to leave? It’s not really that I hate them being here it’s just that they’re not helping any. We’re all just gathered around Aaron and honestly they’re making me more nervous.

         I’m sure some time passed, I couldn’t tell you how much. It could have been minutes, maybe it was even hours.  A doctor walked in followed by Justin. I didn’t know he left, but he’s back now, with a real doctor. This is the first time I’ve seen a real doctor.

         As hard as I tried to listen to him I couldn’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but he’s talking like the teacher from Charlie Brown. For the first time I moved my gaze away from Aaron to look at Justin. He’s listening intently so maybe he can clue me in later.  Now I can focus on Aaron again.

         “Come on kiddo,” I heard Justin some time later, “say goodbye, we have to get you back to the room.”

         “No, I don’t want to go,” I whined, “I want to stay here.”

         “You heard the doctor.”

         “What’d he say?”

         Justin laughed, “He said you need to let him be. He needs to be in the incubator and having your hand in there all day isn’t going to help.”

         “He did not say that.”

         “D, you’ve been zoned out for the past six hours.  You need to lie down and eat something. The doctor said you need to take care of yourself too.”

         “The doctor said a lot of stuff, huh?”

         “Yeah, weren’t you listening?

         “He sounded like the teacher from Charlie Brown.”

         He smiled, “Do you want me to give you a couple minutes alone with him?”

         “No, you don’t have to leave.” I said before turning back to Aaron. “Looks like I have to go sweetie. Stay strong, ok? Keep fighting. I love you so much already.” I turned back to Justin, “OK.” I said before he nodded his head and wheeled me out of the room. “I wish I could hold him.”

         “I know, you’ll get to in a week.”

         “A week?”

         “You seriously didn’t listen at all?”

         “I told you he wasn’t speaking in English. He was mumbling or something, I couldn’t understand him. I tried, I swear I really tried but I couldn’t do anything,” I whined, “What did he say? Do you remember?”

         “Yes, I remember,” he chuckled. Of course he remembers, why wouldn’t he remember? “Lay down first and then I’ll tell you.” he pulled the wheelchair to my bed and helped me out, “Are you hungry? Do you want me to see if the nurse can bring you some food? You didn’t eat all day.”

         “Stop trying to take care of me. Why won’t you just tell me, is it bad? Is it really bad?”

         “No, it’s not bad. Seriously, it’s not. I just think you should eat something.”

         “Maybe you should eat something.  Did you eat anything all day?”

         “No,” he laughed, “That’s what I’m saying. I’m starving.”

         “OK, fine I’m a little hungry. Let’s order a pizza. Can we order a pizza in the hospital?”

         “Yeah, why not?” he smiled and grabbed his cell from his pocket.

         “You’re always like the super pizza delivery rebel,” I laughed, “It’s like you’ll do anything to get your pizza delivered to places you shouldn’t get your pizza delivered to.”

         “Yeah, you shouldn’t be talking. You just make me do it and then eat it.”

         “That’s not true, I didn’t make you do it ever. It just happened that way. Just hurry up and tell me what the doctor said! Oh wait get cheesy bread too and soda! Lots of soda, gosh I missed soda.”

         I tapped my fingers impatiently at the bar on the bed. I don’t really enjoy this whole everyone acting like something’s wrong with me. Sure, I just popped out a kid but that doesn’t mean I need to lie in an uncomfortable hospital bed all the time. They should bring in a nice comfy couch or something.  That’d be nice.

         “Alright,” he put his phone back in his pocket, “Twenty minutes. You’re good?”

         “Justin! Tell me what the doctor said!”

         “Relax. He didn’t say too much. He just said that everything is progressing at a normal rate. And that Aaron looks good; even though he’s small it’s normal. He said his heart beat sounds really good and he’s really close to breathing on his own. Give him a week in the incubator and then he’ll probably be able to come out for a little so you can hold him. He just said it’s going to take time and you have to realize that he’s two months early so he’s going to need that time in the incubator or at least some of it.” Justin stopped for some kind of reaction but I didn’t have anything to say, “It’s good, D. Everything’s fine.”

         “Yeah but… how do we know he’s not just saying?”

         “Seriously D, it’s alright. I talked to him and he explained everything. It’s normal, Aaron is normal. I shouldn’t have said what I said. He’ll be fine; you just need to give him time. The doctor even said his heart sounds good, he said usually with premature babies they have heart problems but his sounds great. Chase is up there, ya’know, looking out for him and for you of course. It’s going to be alright, D.”

         I nodded my head and wiped my eyes before I could cry completely. It’s weird for Justin to say that. He’s the one that wasn’t going to church and even said he didn’t believe anymore.  Maybe he’s starting to get it again.

         “I’m surprised the doctor even came in. I didn’t think I’d see him.”

         Justin nodded his head, “I went with your dad to find him. Apparently the doctors only come in once a day and the nurses take care of everything.”

         “That’s dumb.”

         “I know. He’ll be coming in more to talk to you. We had a nice little chat,” Justin laughed.

         “What did you threaten him or something? The way you said it sounds like you’ve suddenly gone mobster on the man,” I laughed as I pulled my hair back. I really don’t know how I’d make it without him. Beyond all the ways he’s helped me at the center, then afterwards at my house, and with Aaron’s room, now he’s here when I’m in the hospital keeping me comfortable and making me laugh.  No one can make me laugh like he does, especially not now. I don’t know how I got so lucky with him.

         “No, I was good. I just explained the situation and he got it.”

         “Thanks Justin.”

         “You’re welcome Delia,” he mimicked. I don’t know if he gets how thankful I really am.  I seriously need to think of a way to thank him. Like buy him a planet or something, that would show the amount of thankful I am. I don’t even make sense. I’m tired.

         “I’m serious. Thanks so much for everything. You have no idea how much I…”

         He broke in before I could finish, “I know, D. You guys need to stop acting like I’m some kind of saint. I’m glad I’m helping but you’re helping me too, more than you get. So let’s just deal with the fact that we’re both helping each other and we’d be lost without each other. We’d both still be locked in our rooms if we hadn’t met. It’s fine. We met, we’re coping, it’s alright.”

         “OK, jeez.”

         Justin chuckled, “I just think that you’re building me up a bit. I really haven’t done that much.”

         “Are you serious? OK, you did Aaron’s whole room. You flew back from LA when you heard I was in labor and you’ve been here with me in the hospital since you came straight from the airport.”

         “Well when you list it out like that, alright. I guess I have done a lot,” he gave me a cocky smile, “Go ahead then, finish what you were saying. Tell me how thankful you are.”

         “Shut up, now it’s ruined.”

         “I ruined the moment, is that what you’re saying?”

         “Yes,” I laughed, “You most definitely ruined the moment.”

 

         I lay on my couch with Aaron on my chest, dozing off as he dozed off. I finally was able to take him home about two months ago and I couldn’t be happier. OK, that’s a lie. I could be much happier if he slept for more than an hour at a time. That’s my only complaint, besides that he’s absolutely perfect. He’s got his Daddy’s eyes and nose. He’s perfect.

         I watched him sleep and saw his nose start to scrunch up: a sure sign that he’s about to wake up crying.  I rubbed his back, hoping I could comfort him enough before he wakes up. No luck.

         “OK hunny, it’s alright.” I said as I sat up so I could rock him better, then checked the time and saw it was time for his bottle.  I placed him in his carrier as I warmed up his bottle.  He’s doing so well. I’m so happy. I was so afraid there would be something seriously wrong with him or he wouldn’t make it. There’s no way I could have handled that.

         I do wish Chase were here. He would have loved Aaron so much. I am a little worried that he won’t have a father figure but hopefully Justin will be around. Of course he’ll be around now, I just hope he never moves back to Los Angeles. Speaking of Justin, we haven’t seen him in two whole weeks. He went back to LA to get some things straightened but is coming back today. I can’t wait.  Those were the longest two weeks of my life.

         It’s so weird how connected we are, but in all seriousness he really makes me feel a million times better about everything.  He knows what to say and what to do. Gosh, I really miss him. Aaron misses him too. I know he’s only a few months old but Justin just has this thing about him that can calm Aaron down so easily. Sure, at first it pissed me off. I mean, Aaron is MY son, he was inside me and I don’t have that touch that’s supposed to calm him down. It’s not fair really, Justin has absolutely no genetic connection to Aaron yet he still falls asleep the second Justin holds him. I guess Justin’s just good with kids or something, I know I’m not. I’m getting there though, I’m getting better.

         “Shh, no crying,” I said as I rocked his carrier with one hand and waited for the bottle to warm up, “I hate to see you crying my darling, not even to mention how the sound goes right through my head.  But you’re too cute to cry so much Aaron. I know you’re hungry, I’m working on it.” Sometimes I feel like things would be so much easier if I were breastfeeding. But, the doctor said it would be better to use a bottle because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to tell how much he’s getting. My mother assured me it’s better this way, and that breast feeding hurts like a bitch… those weren’t her exact words but that’s what I got from the conversation.

         I jumped when the doorbell rang, I’m pretty sure I just fell asleep standing up. Aaron stopped crying; I don’t know how that happened. He just kind of lay there looking at me. I kissed his forehead before quickly running to the door.  I opened it up, not even checking the peephole and wrapped my arms around Justin before he could say anything.

         “I shouldn’t have rang the bell, that was stupid. I wasn’t thinking. Did I wake Aaron? Was he sleeping?”

         “I missed you, so much. You have no idea how much I missed you. I’m so glad you’re back.”

         “I missed you too, D.” he hugged me tighter before pulling away with a chuckle, “You ignored my question completely. Did I wake up Aaron?”

         “No, no he’s been awake. I’m so glad you’re back, that was the longest two weeks of my life. You look different, what’s different? Did you cut your hair?”

         “Yeah,” he laughed, running his hand through his hair, “just a little trim.”

         “I like it,” I ran my hand through his hair, “There’s something else that’s different about you. You look older, you’ve grown.”

         Justin chuckled, throwing his head back, “Christ D, you don’t tell a grown man he looks older.”

         “It’s true though,” I laughed, “not in a bad way you just look older.”

         “Going back to LA makes me age quickly, too much stress.”

         “So you’re never going to go back?”

         He smiled, “Something like that. You look…” he paused, “like shit. I’m not going to lie. You look like shit D, like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

         “That’s because I haven’t slept in weeks.”

         “Why not?”

         I lazily pointed to Aaron, “Baby don’t sleep, mommy don’t sleep.”

         “You’ve gotta sleep, D.”

         “Obviously. Don’t tell me that like I don’t know it. It’s not like I’m purposely not sleeping Justin, he won’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time and they usually tend to be in the middle of the day.”

         “Alright, alright,” he held his hands up in defeat, “I’m just saying you should sleep. Come here,” he pulled me into a tight hug, holding on for long enough that I realized how nice it felt, so nice that I could easily fall asleep just like that. “I missed you and your craziness.”

         “I’m not crazy,” I answered in a whisper.

         “No, not at all,” Justin chuckled, “Are you falling asleep in my arms right now?”

         “No… maybe a little.’

         He laughed again before pulling away from me, “Go take a nap, I’ll watch Aaron.” He smiled and turned to Aaron, picking him up, “How are you doing little man? Now he got big. He really has grown a lot since I’ve been gone, have you taken him to the doctor?”

         “Tomorrow.”

         “I’ll bet he’s a couple pounds bigger. That’s great, D. He’s eating alright?”

         “Oh yeah, he’s eating so great. He keeps eating actually, he’ll finish a whole bottle then he wants more and the doctor said I should give him more so sometimes he has a whole bottle and a half.”

 

         “That’s great,” I said as I rocked Aaron in my arms. I will admit, there was a point where I didn’t think he’d make it but damn I’m glad I was wrong with that. He’s growing super fast and he seems to be doing great. D is a great mother, I don’t think she realizes that yet, but she’s a natural. It’s good to see her again. It’s weird how strange things were these past couple weeks. I really missed her and Aaron.  “Go lay down.”

         “He needs to eat.”

         “So, I’ll give him his bottle.”

         “Yeah but, you don’t have to.  You just got here and…” she lay down on the couch, “ I feel bad making …” the second her head hit the pillow she was out.

         I couldn’t help but laugh. “Your mommy’s crazy Aaron, but don’t you dare tell her I said that.”

         Aaron just looked at me as if I were the crazy one, which is a definite possibility.  I chuckled at the lack of response, I don’t know what I was expecting he’s only a few months old, and went outside. D’s got an amazing yard; it reminds me a lot of mine when I was growing up. There’s so much space for running around. “You’re going to have fun out here when you’re a little older,” I turned Aaron around in my arms so he was looking in front of me as I walked down to the lake in the back of the yard. “I’ll teach you how to fish when you’re older. Three or four would be good. I don’t know if your mom fishes but I highly doubt it. I’ll take care of that stuff, ya’know. I’ll teach you all the things your mother can’t.”

         I sat down on a rock and looked out into the lake.  Things are so relaxing here, I could get used to this again. Even being back in LA for two weeks made me really appreciate living back here in Tennessee. It’s like night and day, complete chaos and a comfortable sense of calm.  This is home. Things are finally starting to look up again.

 

         When I woke up my heart skipped a beat when I realized I had been sleeping and left Aaron alone.  I walked to the porch and stopped in the doorway when I saw Justin rocking on a rocking chair with Aaron in his arms, singing softly as Aaron drifted off to sleep.  The sun set over the lake and I took a deep breath, things are finally starting to be normal again.  The pain is getting easier, just like everyone said it would.

         I bumped my foot against the door and Justin turned his head to face me. “Are you spying on me?” he asked with a smile.

         “No,” I lied, “Thanks for watching him, I really needed that nap.”

         “Yeah, I know. You were out the second your head hit the cushion. Do you feel better now?”

         “A lot better, thanks” I nodded my head and sat down next to him, “How’s he doing?”

         “Great.  He finished his bottle about an hour ago. We went down to the lake and watched the ducks.”

         I smiled as Justin placed Aaron in my arms. Justin is so good with him; it really makes me feel better about everything.  I know Aaron needs a father but maybe having Justin around will be good enough. That is, of course, if Justin doesn’t get sick of us and leave. But, I don’t think he will. I think he needs us almost as much as we need him.

         “What are all those boxes?”

         “Oh yeah,” he stood up and grabbed a box, “It’s just some stuff I brought from LA. It’s some of Lemmie’s baby stuff. I thought maybe you could use some of it.”

         “Justin, I can’t…”

         “I want you to. I mean, we can’t use it anymore… she can’t use it. You can. I’d rather it go to someone who could use it.”

         I watched as he got that uncomfortable look on his face and reached over to place my hand on his, “Thanks Justin.”

         “Yeah, of course. Don’t think you need to keep any of it. I just figured you could give it a look and see what you want.”

         “Yes, I definitely will. Thanks. I’m starving. You’re staying for dinner, right? I was just going to make some burgers.”

         “Definitely.”

         “K, good. Can you light the grill? I’ll go get the stuff,” I said before placing Aaron in his carrier.

         “Go for it kid, I got ya covered.”

         I smiled as I walked back to the house, and turned around before I could go in. “I’m really glad you’re back. Life is so much easier when you’re here.”

         “I’m glad I’m back too,” he said before pulling me into a tight hug, “It’s rough being away from you and Aaron.” He pulled away from me and smiled before turning me around and pushing me in the house, “Go get the burgers! I’m starving!”