Helping Heal the Hurt

1am

The rain pours on my rooftop on this early Saturday morning.  For some reason, the weather always reflects my mood.  It’s been about four days since I found out the most devastating news I think I’ve ever received.  He cheated…with her.  No particular reason was cause for his act of betrayal. The only reason he presented was that he was bored and she offered.  That bitch saying something about not liking the way I treat him?  I have absolutely NO idea where that came from.  She isn’t here involved in our everyday lives.   She hasn’t the slightest idea what it’s like to maintain a healthy relationship.   Thunder claps against the morning sky as if it’s agreeing with me.  The music floating through the air is even melancholy.  I need a change of scenery.

Our relationship was something straight out of a storybook. One of Pop’s biggest superstars finds his own ‘Cinderella’.   Our wedding was covered by every major news company known to man.  He used to tell me in a room full of nameless people, seeing my face would liven up the whole joint.  Corny, but effective when getting his point across.  We met backstage at an India.Arie concert.  He captured me with his eyes, so mesmerizing, and just plain beautiful.  The color of cerulean with flecks of grey around the edges.  His lips, the way he spoke, his walk…everything was an instant attraction.  He told me he wanted to be my forever.  I believed in him and in us until three hours ago.

He’s responsible for some of the happiest times in my life.  Coming in like my knight in shining armor, rescuing me from all of the horrible things in my life.  My mother was my only constant until he came along.  The guy in the ‘boy pop band’ as she used to say.  That was until he charmed the pants off of her and he became ‘Her Joshua’.  He was my life.  Then we had Janella.  A light mix of her father and myself, she is everything we thought we needed to be complete.  I guess when I look back; I should have noticed something was off.   It started when Schizophrenic was in its creative stages.  The label was expecting something of him that just wasn’t natural to his essence.  He’s a songwriter’s best instrument and he wanted to express the kind of music he enjoyed listening to.  Pop, electronica, R&B and rock, he wanted it all.  They wanted pop and beat-infused club bangers.  That’s when they brought in the hoochie. 

Amanda Dexter was this Amazonian beauty with legs for days and an amazing smile.  Everything about her screamed polished and proper; something I knew would catch JC’s attention.  Hell, that’s one of the main things that attracted him to me.  She was his new producing partner and on the surface, a wonderful person.  I actually liked her at first.  Then, the late night/early morning sessions became consistent and annoying. Every time he’d try to finish up early, she’d come up with some lame excuse to try and get him to stay.  He worked and focused so much that he started to neglect his responsibilities at home.  He started missing small things like watching Janella’s favorite program and tucking her in with me before bedtime.  It got to the point that Janella didn’t even wait up for daddy anymore.  It got somewhat better when after a series of small disagreements would turn into arguing.  I think what either scared him away or shocked his system back to reality was Janella’s reaction to him.

He and Amanda’s session ended early one day and he wanted to take us out for dinner to reconnect with his family.  I was finishing up dusting our massive trophy case and asked him to get Janella ready to leave.    He said he walked into his baby’s room and she acted as though she didn’t recognize him.  She started screaming when he tried to pick her up and I quickly ran to her room to see what happened.  She looked completely terrified.  Needless to say, we didn’t go out that night.  Instead, we spent the whole night on the couch eating healthy snacks and getting reacquainted.  He’d missed so much of our lives that he needed to refocus on his family.  Janella had grown two teeth, learned how to walk without falling down and had said her first recognizable word.  I had gotten a raise at work, painted our room and cut my hair.  During sessions that ended at about 3 or 4am, we agreed that he’d sleep in one of the guestrooms as to not wake us and throw off our schedule.  Seeing your husband one or twice a week was not what this marriage was supposed to be about.  He poured his heart out to us that evening.  Told us all the things he wanted for us and himself.  We are very big believers in having your own life aside from husband, wife, mother and father but it should no way affect your family.  He didn’t even realize that it was that extreme until baby girl refused to run into his arms like she used to. By the end of the day, he’d sang our daughter to sleep; after she gave him a big hug and finally called him ‘da da’.  He wouldn’t leave her side though.  He’d held her small frame asleep against his chest and refused to leave.  He cried for what seemed like hours.  I just sat in the rocking chair in the room and looked between them.  Janella would stir in her sleep and instinctively he’d run a strong hand across her back to soothe her back into dreamland.  After about three hours, I’d convinced him to let her sleep on her own and come to bed.  As much as I love my daughter, I needed my husband too.  Just to be in his presence made me feel better.  Let’s just say he took care of me that night too. 

A couple weeks had gone by and it seemed like everything was back to normal.  He told Amanda that he’d have to start having earlier studio time and make it to dinner every night, no exceptions.  That’s when that bitch brought in the big wigs.  She convinced Barry that she and JC needed to work in New York.  ‘It would bring in a new vibe to the record and she needed the energy.  Since Jace’s is under a time constraint with the label, he had no choice in the matter.   I guess that was my golden opportunity to take notice.  She’d always look at me with that hint of jealousy in her eyes.  You know how it is when a woman wants your man.  I was just so in love and naïve to the wiles of the wicked that I hadn’t even protested it.  Thought I was doing the noble thing by not pushing the issue.  Josh was the one who fought it tooth and nail.  He didn’t want to go without us but there was no way I could uproot like that.  He needed to do this; there was no way around it.  He agreed to go for six weeks with us visiting him every other weekend. 

So, I guess you’re wondering why I was so cool with everything right?  Truthfully, I wasn’t, but I would not dare stand in the way of Josh and his dreams.  Besides, I had my baby, my work and my friends to help me.  Late night talks with him that were required helped as well.  Maybe it was my nonchalant attitude toward him leaving that caused it, maybe it was the fact that I believed he wouldn’t do anything like that to me.  Trust and honesty had always been the nature of our relationship, so why challenge that now?  Yeah, looks like I was the fool in the end.

The unraveling began @ Justin's Birthday party....

Monday, 6pm

“Justin, if you don’t come down here and help me, I’m not cooking anything for your dinner tonight.” 

I was at Justin’s helping him prepare for a business meeting/reception he was having with his partners at William Rast but he left me to do the bulk of the work.  I had already prepared the appetizers for his guests but he had to have a pan of lasagna for himself.  You see, I was Justin’s personal chef years ago and we’ve been friends ever since.  He still calls me from time to time to cater certain events for him.  I wouldn’t go calling us BFF’s or anything because well, I used to work for him but he really is one of my good friends and the sole reason Josh and I know each other. 

I didn’t come over to do this though.  We are also supposed to be discussing his birthday plans.  I’m always in charge of all things food for his birthday so I was here to do a job.  It won’t happen though if he doesn’t get down here.  He must have noticed my mood because he bounded down the stairs in an all black sweat suit with fresh white socks, smiling from ear to ear before kissing my cheek and sitting down. 

“Where’s my Janey poo?  You were supposed to bring her here with you.”

“I tried but there was no prying her away from her father today.  He insisted on keeping her and she pleaded to stay.  I told her that her boyfriend would miss her but she just giggled and said silly mommy!  So, let’s get started so I can get back to my family.

We hashed out everything for his ‘Trip through Italy’ feast and I started on his dish while he waited for his guests to arrive.  I put the almost finished product into the oven and grabbed my bag before heading out the door.  Justin caught up to me as I got to the elevator of the building.  Grabbing my hand, he spun me around to face him, startling me in the process.

“J, have you lost your mind?  You should just grab people like that.”  I spoke angrily.

“I’m sorry Melody.  I just didn’t want you to leave yet.  I wanted everyone to meet my wonderful friend and chef.”  He answered exasperated knowing he’d pissed me off.  He also held onto my hand longer than a single man should hold onto a married woman.  Justin and I always had this wonderful working and personal chemistry that neither of us dared to speak on.  He knew it probably wouldn’t have worked out and I fell madly in love with one of his very best friends.  I pulled my hand away quickly after that thought and started back toward the elevator.  I guess he pulled me away unknowingly.

“I already told you J, I need to get back to Josh and Janella for dinner.  I’ll be over here tomorrow to meet with Lynn and every other day this week.”

“I know but I really want you to meet my new partners.  They love the food and want to meet the chef.”  Justin said knowing I wouldn’t turn down any potential clients.  I grimaced, looked at my watch and told him I would but it would be a short meeting since I had to be home to be with my family.  I had already spent most of my day with him and I was not missing dinner with my babies.   I allowed him to pull me back into his penthouse and introduce me.  Everyone told me they really enjoyed the appetizers and couldn’t wait until I hosted another event for him.  I told everyone thank you, hugged Justin and flew out the door.  Josh told me that he’d take care of dinner tonight so take my time but I really just wanted to be around him without the hassle of work to worry about.

I pulled up to our building and walked calmly to the door, handing Darren, one of the valets my car keys. 

“Could you do me a favor and gas her up for me?  Also, run her through the car wash.  Thanks.”  Darren was one of the only people besides JC of course that I let handle my car.  A 2009 Audi A8 all white with tan leather interior and wood grain paneling, she was a thing a beauty.  The ultimate treat to myself after getting that raise at work.  I’m the dean of students at the Culinary Institute of America and they just gave out 5% raises because of a major bump in enrollment.  I ride the elevator up to the 24th floor whistling and humming along to the musiak happily as I exited.  I grabbed my keys out of my larger than necessary bag and silently opened the door. 

The living room was dimly lit with the television being the only source of sound in the room.  I put my keys and bag on the table by the door and grabbed the remote, shutting off the TV.  I thought nothing of it and made my way into the kitchen.  Josh’s idea of dinner was hot dogs and chili with French fries.  I guess it’s what my baby wanted so I didn’t complain.  I went to look for them first stopping in the master bedroom but they weren’t there.  Checked the master bath but they weren’t in there either.  I slowly walked down the long hallway with this nervous feeling creeping up in my stomach.  I didn’t like that feeling.  Reaching my daughter’s room, I opened the door to find her fast asleep in her new big girl bed.  I smiled to myself, a feeling of relief washing over me.  My baby girl was safe and sound.  I walked farther into the room so I could kiss her forehead.  I needed to feel her, to reassure myself.  She stirred a little but didn’t awaken.  There was a light scent of perfume in her room but thought nothing of it.  Josh must be in his studio. 

I stopped in my bedroom again to quickly change into something much more comfortable.  I decided to go with my matching Pink pajamas from Victoria’s Secret before going downstairs.  The same scent of perfume that was lingering in Janey’s room was also in the hallway getting stronger by the minute so intrigued, I quickened my pace to the studio.  I got to the door but hesitated opening it because I heard voices in hushed tones.  I peeked in through the door and for a moment, willed my heart to start beating again.

There was JC pushed against a wall next to his switchboard with Amanda’s leg wrapped around him.  She was suckling on his Adam’s apple and while it appeared that he was trying to remove her bra from underneath her blouse.  I knew I shouldn’t be watching this but I had to see how far he’d go before her stopped.  I saw the black, lace bra hit the floor and his hands quickly replaced the supportive device.  Amanda moaned loudly as he took her left nipple into his mouth.  She threw her head back in ecstasy as he continued his assault on her upper body.  She started grinding her lower body against him as he struggled to release himself from his pants and lift her skirt at the same time.  I couldn’t believe was I was seeing but again, I couldn’t turn away. 

“Put it in baby, don’t make me beg.”   Amanda said.

“Oh, you’d beg for it huh?  I think I may need to see that.”  He has that sultry look in his eye.  The look he’d give me right before we made love.  I think I’m going to be sick.  She grabbed his left hand and the sparkle from the diamonds in his wedding band caught his eye and just like that, he pushed Amanda away from him and told her she needed to leave.

“I know you aren’t worried about you’re wife.  Didn’t you say she’d be out until 9pm?  It’s only 8:15, we have time.”

“This shit isn’t right!  I almost slept with you and for what?!”  He was starting to lose control of his voice.  He must have scared her because she just pulled on her clothing and started toward the door where I stood, shell shocked.  She turned around to say something before she got a look at me and suddenly feeling like I’d lose everything I consumed in the last 24 hours, I backed up and made noise pretending I hadn’t been there the whole time.  I plastered on my best fake smile before turning the knob, walking into the room.  Josh stood there like a deer caught in headlights while Amanda scurried past me and out the door.  He looked disheveled, scared and guilty.  As soon as she left, I dropped the fake smile and turned in Jace’s direction.  I walked up to him, putting one hand in his hair and the other on his zipper.  I just let the tears fall where they may  and zipped his pants.  I whispered in his ear…

“You left your fly undone.”

     She walks away from me and you out the door.  I don' t even know what to say or do at this point.  I think it's safe to say she witnessed that exchange between myself and Amanda.  I'm fucked, I know it.

I'm so upset right now that I feel like I can actually see Red.  Walking into Janella's room, I pick her up gently so I can place her on the sofa near the front door.  I'm not staying under this roof with him for fear of our (his and mine) safety tonight and there's no way in hell I'm leaving my baby here.  Forget that!

In a haste, I knock over the bottle of water I had on my work station when leaving the studio.  I can't lose Melody.  She is my world.  All that over five minutes of gratification.  That can't happen, I won't allow it.  I need to stop and check on my daughter, just to make sure she didn't hear anything.  Opening her door, I see that she's no longer in her big girl bed.  This isn't good.

I wish he would just pick up his phone already.  Come on Justin, pick up.

"Hello."

"Jay, It's Melody.  Do you mind if Janey and I come over?  I can't be here right now."  

"Are you okay?  What happened?  Where's Jace?"

"I'll be okay once I'm out of this house and you'll have to call and check on him yourself,  I personally don't care right now."

"Should you be driving?  You sound too upset to be driving.  How about I come pick you up.  Are you staying overnight?"

"Yeah, it'll give me time to try and sort things out."  Justin's a good friend, he sounds genuinely concerned.  

"Are you sure there isn't anything you want to tell me now?"  

"Jay, I need to be out of this house."  I say with my voice raising slightly.  

"I'll be over in 20 minutes."  

We hang up the phone and I run back upstairs to grab a change of clothes for Janella and I.  The sooner I'm out of here, the better.   

Melody isn't in Nella's bathroom, the gym, or in any of the guest rooms.  I pass by our bedroom and notice that the door is open and the closet light is on.  Slowly entering our once peaceful bedroom, I see clothes flying every which way and the scene quickens my heart.  She's packing. We've never been in this space before and I honestly don't know how to handle what's happening right now.  I'm really scared. 

I look up and see the look of sheer terror on Josh's face.  I really don't know what he expected to happen.  He grabs the overnight bag off of the bed and begins to remove the clothing I placed inside.  It hurts me to see the pain in his eyes, but he did it to himself.  I just love him so much that I can't stop him.  Allowing him to continue, I stand from my sitting position and walk over to him.  I grab his shaking hand and look him in the eyes.  

"I don't really know what to say.  I'm hurt in so many ways that I can not convey a single emotion because there's so many things I want to say and do.  You need to pray and ask GOD to guide you on what to do because I'm at a complete and utter loss.  And even though you're the one that hurt me, you are the only one who can make it right." 

He turns me around to face him.   

Touching her forehead to mine I ask with a quivering heart...

"Are you leaving me?"

 I take a minute to process this question before giving my answer.  "When I said my vows, I meant every word.  No matter how much you may hurt me, intentional or not, I won't leave you.  I will not raise our daughter as a single parent unless you make it painfully obvious that you don't want this family anymore.  I can't say that I can just get over this but I will find my way back to you.  I just need time."  

"Can you just stay with me tonight?  Go wherever you want to go tomorrow; tonight I need my babies with me."  

"I called Justin and told him to come get us."

"I know.  Justin sent me a text asking me what was going on and that he was coming over but I told him not to worry about that.  If you need to leave, I'll bring you over myself."

Suddenly, we hear crying coming from downstairs.  Without a second thought, we both rush down to see Janella sitting on the couch, her soft, curly hair all over the place and her eyes searching for us.  Melody reaches her first and scoops her up in her arms; giving our daughter the comfort only a mother can.  She calms down momentarily then with her eyes landing on mine, she reaches out for me.  Mel hands her over and plops down on the sofa with a loud thud.  Nella starts to play with my reading glasses and I sit the both of us down next to Melody.    

"Mommy sad?"  My very sleepy, very insightful little girl asks me.  I put the biggest smile my heart allows before answering.  

"No sweetheart, mommy's tired.  I need to rest like you were doing a couple minutes ago."  I hate lying to my baby but there's no way I'm telling her the truth.  

"Mommy hug!"

You know, it seems like kids know exactly what to say and what time to say it.  She makes me so happy.  "Anytime from you baby girl."   She gives her daddy a kiss on the cheek before crawling over his lap to get to where I am.  Wrapping her arms around my neck, she gives me the tightest hug she can.  I squeeze as tight as I can without hurting her and let her go.  A tear slips down my cheek and with her small hand, she reaches up to wipe the tear away.    

Janella is such a perceptive child.  I know she knows something is amiss.  She looks at her mommy and wipes away more tears.  

"Why you cry mommy?  I hurt you?"  

"No, not at all baby girl.  You made mommy really happy.  These are happy tears."  

"Okay, I love you momma."  

"I love you too baby.  Come on, do you want a snack?  I could go for some grapes."   

Babygirl loves grapes.  As soon as I let the words leave her mouth, Nella jumped up from my lap and rushed toward the kitchen.  Without warning,  JC grabs my hand and leads the way.  I am too emotionally drained to fight against him.  We get to the kitchen just in time to see Nella climb into her highchair and snap herself in.  While I get the bowls, Josh gets the grapes and gives them a good wash.  We fall into our rhythm pretty easily and soon enough Nella's finished her snack and is drifting off again.  Jace takes her upstairs and reads her a story before she's back into a peaceful slumber.  I finished up the dishes and am currently on the floor trying to put the crisper back into the fridge.  Josh walks back downstairs and finds me.  Closing the refrigerator door, he again grabs my hand and leads me upstairs to our bedroom.  I hope he doesn't...  

"Josh, we've had a pretty nice hour or two but I'm not in a place where I can just act like nothing happened.  Less than three or so hours ago, you had some woman in here about to disrespect me, our daughter, this house and our marriage. Do you know how angry I am?  Do you have any idea how much I want to run away from you?  I don't want to leave you but my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest.  Just thinking about you touching her, feeling on her body...what was it you said to her?  Oh yeah!  You need to see her beg for it?  JC, you realize that there's no way I'm letting you touch me until you get tested.  I'm so hurt, and angry, and frustrated that I can't recognize my left from my right."  

"I know I hurt you but I never meant for it to go that far.  I never wanna loose you. Melody, you and Janey are my reason for being.  If I lose you, I have no reason to go on.  I don't want to live without you.  Please, tell me you won't leave me."  Josh finishes with a sob.  

"I already told you I'm not leaving this marriage.  I just need some time away. After tonight, I'm going to check into a hotel.  At least for a little while.  You can come to see and keep Nella as much as you want but she leaves with me."    

"Why would you check in to a hotel?  This is something we need to work out in the same house."

"Why Josh?  Are you afraid of what your friends and family might say?  I'm not the one who did anything wrong here.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I do wonder what made you turn to her though.  What is it that she could do for you that I couldn't or wasn't?"  

"It's not really what she could do for me.  I was lonely and you were gone."  

"Is that really the best you could come up with?  Don't give me that typical cheater's answer bullshit!  You know damn well what you were thinking in that moment.  I saw you Joshua!  The only reason you stopped is because you caught a glimpse of your wedding band.  You clearly weren't thinking about us before.  It killed me to see the look on your face.  You looked excited JC.  Like you were about to do something adventurous and dangerous."  

"I'm sorry okay.  Baby, I'm so, so sorry.  I wasn't thinking about us.  I guess I got caught up in the moment.  She was offering me herself and I would be lying if I said she didn't turn me on in some way."  

"I told you in the beginning of your partnership with her that I thought she was your type.  I just didn't think that you would be interested in fucking up your life for a 10 minute screw.  Joshua, I want to forgive you, I just don't know where to start."  "What do you want me to do?  I want to do whatever it takes to keep my family intact.  You want me to stop working with her?  Because you say the word and I will."  "I'm not giving you an easy out JC.  I can't and I won't answer this for you because I'm not the one who chose to work with her, you and the label did.  I tell you one thing though; that homewrecking ho better not ever walk into our house again.  For her safety and possibly your own.  I'll be in one of the guest rooms until morning. I can't stand being around you right now."  

I watch as Melody takes the pajama set she had in her overnight bag, her laptop and her cell and walk out of our room.  I hope she doesn't keep walking.