Chapter 1.
Rumours.


To say that we had a relationship would be to say that we loved each other, to say that we knew each other, but we really didn’t. The press had made it out like that, because well that’s what they were paid to do so they did it.


Going out with Wade was always fun, well for me anyways, because it was like going out with my brother. But after a few drinks in me I guess those lines seemed to blur. Looking back I realize one thing, when I’m drunk I tend to flirt a lot, with anyone and anything.

We sat quite close to each other, in a small booth in the VIP area of this new club that had just opened, and were supposed to be discussing the new tour and what plans he had for the stage set up and the new choreography to go with it.

“Brit? So what do you think?” he asked interrupting my thoughts, I snapped out of them and looked at him, my eyes glazed over.

“I think it’s amazing,” I gushed, and I believe it was because of all the alcohol I had consumed so far.

“Great because I was thinking…” he began but I stopped him with a finger to his lips. Damn, he looks hot, I thought and wondered if I should kiss him. “Brit?” he asked, his words mumbled against my finger.

“Hush,” I whispered in the sexiest tone I could muster, and leaned closer to him. Then without really knowing what I was doing I kissed him, full on the lips. That was the first time the rumours started, and they wouldn’t be the last.


The next time the rumours spread like wild fire, and by then my relationship with Justin was on its last thread.

“Not again Brit,” Justin said aspirated as he read the latest article from the National Enquirer. I rolled my eyes at him.

“Justin, do you really believe that shit?” I asked, and he nodded. God, he could frustrate me sometimes.

“Yes I do,” he scoffed and threw the paper across the table so it landed in front of me. “This is time number what?” His eyebrows became raised as he looked at me expecting an answer.

I sighed and looked at him. “According to them? Well let’s see...” I said and glanced over the paper, what? That can’t be right. The tenth time? “This is crap.”

“Oh is it?” he replied coyly, I glanced up at him.

“Yes it is, I told you it was only that one time and I was drunk. You even laughed it off with Wade,” I replied, Justin just laughed at my last comment.

“Yeah, that was before all this shit came out,” he said, his expression becoming serious again. “At last that time Wade and you had the decency to tell me, I can’t believe you even thought of keeping it from me this time. Wait if it isn’t true, why wouldn’t you tell me?” He added the last part as a bit of a smart comment to throw me off, I just shook my head.

“Because it’s not true, why tell you something that wasn’t true? Would you feel better if I told you that I was fucking Wade?” I asked, but as soon as I said the words I regretted them, his eyes said everything.

“You didn’t,” he said just above a whisper so I could hear him.

“Shit Justin, I’m sorry it came out wrong,” I said leaning across the table and placing a hand on his arm, which he instinctively pulled away.

“So it is true,” he repeated again not hearing my last words.

“Justin, come on. No it’s not,” I said but he just shook his head.

“Yes it is Brit, don’t lie to me,” he said and I sighed. I walked over to where he sat and knelt down in front of him, putting my hands on his knees.

“Justin, listen to me it’s not true. You know how the media are, they like creating mountains out of ant hills. I love you and only you remember?” I looked at him with half expectant eyes and he just nodded, finally looking back at me.

“Yeah I remember. Sorry I doubted you Brit,” he said. I smiled back and leaned forward to kiss him.

“It’s okay,” I replied, and truly I thought it was.


The next time things went too far. The rumours I mean, they went beyond what ever it was they were supposed to. I had just begun the Dream Within a Dream tour and was somewhere in the middle of nowhere with Wade, rehearsing when it happened.

We had been at it all day, and trust me, when you see that boy dance for twelve hours straight, you can’t think of anything else, even if you are dating the gorgeous Justin Timberlake.

“Brit?” Wade asked, again interrupting my thoughts and my eyes were focused solely on his dancing ass.

“Yeah?” I asked back, hazily. Wade then burst out laughing and looked at me seriously.

“Are you okay? Or would you like me to leave my ass alone with you for a while?” he asked with a playful grin. I rolled my eyes at him and stuck my tongue out.

“Ha ha very funny,” I said getting up and beginning to stretch. “What were you saying again?”

Wade laughed but answered my question. “I was asking what you thought, but the answer is obvious,” he replied grabbing me from around the waist and pulling me into a brotherly hug. “Didn’t know you fancied me that much.” He wriggled his eyebrows at me and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“If you’ve forgotten I am dating one of your best friends,” I replied, he smirked and kissed my cheek.

“Fortunately I didn’t,” he answered as we headed back out to the front of the stage to begin work. I looked at him with confusion as I reached the front.

“What does that mean?” I asked, but he just looked at me and winked.

“You’ll figure it out sooner or later,” he replied, and we continued working.


And sooner and later it was, in fact it was right after Justin’s birthday and I felt horrible about it afterwards. But to make things fair, Justin wasn’t there, he never was these days. He always seemed to be doing something or the other, whether it was with the other guys or by himself, I really had no clue.

So on one of those nights, Wade had invited me out, out for a few drinks and some dancing, we hadn’t expected it to be any more.

“So Brit, what’s your verdict of my perfectly fine ass tonight?” Wade asked playfully as we rocked out to some famous rock song that the DJ spun.

“I would say it is oh so fine, but that would cause it to get stuck in the door and we wouldn’t want that now would we?” I asked, playing along with his cockiness.

“Aw come on now,” he said and pulled me closer to him so I wouldn’t get slammed by the other guys in the room. He smelt of beer and cologne.

“What? It’s true,” I laughed and wrinkled my nose. “You smell.” He rolled his eyes at me.

“Thanks a lot,” he laughed, and pulled us over to the bar where he ordered us more drinks.

“No, not in a bad way,” I replied trying to make him feel better, because in reality he actually smelt good.

“I know Brit, I know,” he sighed with a faltering laugh and handed me a beer. “Here, drink this then we got to go rip up the floor.”

I smiled at him, and slowly drank my drink. I wasn’t in the mood that night to dance, I was rather in the mood to sit and drink, to complain about what an asshole my boyfriend was being about all the rumours.

“Do we have to?” I asked rather childishly and Wade looked at me half smiling.

“Well now, I didn’t know you hated dancing THAT much,” he retorted putting stress on the word that.

“I don’t I just don’t feel like it tonight,” I replied haughtily and downed the rest of my beer.

“So what do you feel like doing then?” he asked, with eyebrows raised. I shrugged as I ordered myself another drink and he grabbed my wrist. “Brit?”

“I don’t know Wade. Can’t we just sit and talk?” I asked hoping he’d say yes, because even my feet were beginning to hurt.

“You need Wade to help you sort out problems?” Wade asked playfully as my drink came and pulled me closer to him.

“Yes I do,” I replied and took a sip of the drink.

“Okay then,” he said and pulled me away from the bar, through the crowd to a private booth. “Spill.”

I sat down next to him, placed my drink down and looked at him. “My boyfriend is deserting me way to often.”

“God,” Wade replied rolling his eyes at me and chuckling. “You’re not serious are you?”

I swatted his arm playfully. “Yes I am. He’s being such an asshole about these bloody rumours.”

“Would you blame him?” Wade asked suggestively, and I noticed how he moved slightly closer to me.

“What? What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked him, he was beginning to confuse me.

“Come on Brit,” Wade replied, his hand wandered quickly over mine. “We’ve been flirting way too much after that kiss.” I looked at him in shock and playfully punched his shoulder.

“We have not!” I replied defensively and he raised an eyebrow at me.

“We haven’t?” he asked as his hand conveniently landed on mine, I pulled my hand away quickly.

“Yes, we haven’t.” I replied and tried to refocus on something more enticing, like my beer. Wade just shrugged and grabbed his beer, downing it. “Wade?” It was then that I knew I’d upset him, and I knew that nothing I would say would make him forgive me again.

“What Brit?” he asked with a harsh tone.

“Are you mad at me?” I asked, although I knew he was.

He sighed and glared at me. “What do you think? You keep playing these games with my mind Brit, I’m just confused,” he replied and ordered us more drinks.

“You’re confused? What about me? I have no clue what you’re talking about here!” I called out in aspiration. Wade sighed again and turned to face me.

“I mean, one day you’re all playful and flirty with me and the next well.. you’re all over Justin,” Wade said sighing and I looked at him in shock.

“You’re jealous of Justin?” I asked, trying to contain my laughter, Wade was jealous of Justin.

“No, I didn’t say that,” Wade said trying to avoid the question.

“No you didn’t need to. Wade, you can’t be jealous of him he’s my boyfriend so of course I’m going to be all over him,” I replied rolling my eyes.

“Yeah well,” Wade said shrugging.

“Well what?” I asked and Wade sighed.

“Well what if I was jealous? What would you do about it?” he asked, looking at me.

“I..” I began, but he cut me off with a kiss. And that’s how the rumours got worse.


It was a few hours later, and well the kiss had led to more drinks, more drunkenness and well sex. Yes, sex, drunken sex at that. After we kissed, Wade seemed to calm down and he brought us more drinks than we could handle and we ended up drinking until we were both to drunk to stand, and we were having fun.

This is why I didn’t see the photographers standing at every corner snapping pictures of me in Wade’s arms looking up at him drunkenly.

We had left the club and headed back over to my place, he was supposed to have just dropped me off and gone home, but alas things were not going to be like that.

“So, um, thanks,” I said standing at my door and he smiled wonkily at me.

“No problem,” he replied and pulled me in for a hug. “So I guess this is good night?” He looked down at me with those eyes I knew very well and it was then that I made my decision. Now I know I could have been smart and said yes, but something about being on my porch in his strong dancer arms really turned my drunken-self on.

“It doesn’t have to be,” I whispered, WRONG answer. I looked at him and he smiled at me.

“Okay then,” he replied and leaned closer to me. “Let’s open up that door.” I nodded dumbly and fumbled for my keys while still in his arms. I found them, pulled away from him and just as I was opening the door he pulled me back to him. “Wait,” he whispered into my ear, and I obviously didn’t do anything.

“O-okay,” I whispered back, “What?” He smiled and leaned close to me before kissing my lips.

“That,” he smiled back, “Okay let’s go in.”

Chapter 2.
Cry Me A River.


I honestly wanted to not believe the rumours, but it is kind of hard when you are dating the hottest woman on the planet, and you tend to become some what jealous. Okay so I’ll admit it, I, Justin Timberlake get jealous, and I get jealous big time, trust me.

But what made it worse is right after my 22nd birthday he decided to tell me the truth, and to be honest I wish he hadn’t. Heck, I wish I hadn’t found any of it out but I did and I believe it made me a better person.

“So, what did you have to talk to me about?” I asked looking up at my friend who sat opposite me on one of the white leather couches. Wade looked down at his hands and I could tell he was nervous.

“Well…” he began and paused, taking a huge breath in. “Last night…”

“Last night what?” I asked getting impatient; didn’t he know I had to meet the others in a few hours for drinks?

“Last night, when me and Brit went out…” he said and instantly I felt my heart beat drop. I don’t know why, I mean every time I heard that girl’s name my heart beat dropped as if I was going to hear something bad about her. “We had a few drinks…” he continued and I was about ready to slap him.

“Spit it out already Wade,” I said a bit too impatiently. Wade looked at me with worry but nodded anyways.

“Yeah well, um, sorry J but we kindda slept together,” he said. I felt right then my whole world stop literally. Was I hearing right? Shit, was all I could think. Shit, shit, shit.

“What do you mean kindda?” I asked angrily not knowing if I could look him right in the eye.

“Well, um, I mean we did,” he said just above a whisper. I looked up at him, and felt the blood drain from my body.

“What? How…” my voice trailed off as I wondered what in hell to say next.

“Sorry J, it was a mistake. I feel like shit about it ok? It shouldn’t have happened, but it did. I thought you better know from me than any one else,” Wade said looking at his feet sheepishly and slowly getting up.

“Yeah well you should feel like shit,” I replied rather angrily, maybe a bit to much. “But thanks for telling me what a slut I have in my life.” Shit, why did I say those words? I then realized what I said and regretted them.

“She’s not a slut J,” Wade answered with anger in his voice. “She was just upset that you were never there for her when she needed you on this tour.”

“Yeah and you just thought you’d sweep it up right?” I asked bitterly, I heard Wade sigh.

“No J I didn’t. Like I said…” he began but I cut him off.

“Yeah I know, you had a bit too much to drink, I get it,” I snapped. “Thanks now get the fuck out.”

Wade sighed again, but didn’t reply I just heard footsteps leaving the room and the door close. Bloody bitch, I thought, how could she do that to me?


She was my world, my everything, nothing could have compared to loosing her. But it did, I remember sitting quietly in the room with the other four guys a week later telling them that I wanted to take a break from the group, get my head screwed back on right.

“J, are you sure?” Chris asked me for the hundredth time. I rolled my eyes at him, I know he only meant it as well as a big brother can, but it was beginning to frustrate me a bit.

“Yeah C, I’m sure. Things just need to be sorted out,” I replied and looked back down at the paper in front of me.

“So... we’re taking a break?” JC, my best friend out of the lot of them asked, I could tell from his voice that he was worried about me.

“Yeah we are,” I replied nodding. “Guys I don’t think I could go on with all this shit going on.”

Lance nodded in understanding and looked at me. “Yeah J, we understand.” And I knew they did, after all they were my brothers, and that’s what brothers did; they understood you when no one else did.


The media thank God didn’t get a wind of anything until March 2002 and I was glad for that, but during that time we tried to make things work out between us, but it just couldn’t. I mean, I just didn’t trust her anymore, even though I could tell she was trying.

The decision for us to finally tell the press came sometime at the end of February, when Celebrity was on its last days and we were up with her folks for a holiday.

“Brit, we have to talk,” I said getting right to the fact before anything else happened that day. She sighed because she knew what was coming and nodded, sitting down on the bed.

“Yeah I know,” she said as I sat down next to her.

“This isn’t working,” I continued, “I mean, we’ve both tried…” my voice trailed off and she numbly nodded.

“Yeah but not hard enough,” she added, and it was some what said with a sort of anger in her voice, an anger that this was ending.

“Right,” I said, knowing that if I had tried to sugar coat it it wouldn’t get better.

“So...” she began, “Now what?”

“So we wait until the time is right, then we announce our break up to the media then we can go our separate ways,” I said not able to look at her for fear of what she might be feeling. I could always tell what she felt through her eyes.

“Okay,” I heard her whisper, and for a few minutes I wished this hadn’t happened, because right then I felt like taking her in my arms and holding her forever, and never letting go.



A few weeks later I decided to get all my frustrations out, I had just publicly broke up with Britney and I was a mess, literally. So I spent half my time sitting by the piano or near a guitar writing about how I felt.

I was a mess, but the music helped me cope. At
first it wasn’t supposed to be anything more than therapy, but as time went on it became obvious that it would be more than that, I just didn’t know it yet.

I was hanging out one day with my best mate Trace when the idea to do a solo album came up, and at first I was reluctant because I didn’t want to feel as if I was betraying the guys.

“Come on J,” Trace said reading some of the stuff I’d written, “This stuff is made to sell.”

“Yeah, but it’s personal,” I replied not wanting the whole world to know about my life with Britney.

“Yeah, but so is everything else, remember ‘Gone’?” Trace asked rolling his eyes. I sighed and knew he was right. ‘Gone’ was one of the singles of Celebrity that I’d written with yup, Wade, and about Britney and about how I would feel if she left me.

“Shit I forgot about that,” I mumbled grabbing the notebook from him and walking over to the piano knowing he would ask me to play him some stuff.

“Obviously, so play some of it for me,” Trace said following me and sitting next to me on the bench, I looked at him expectantly. “That way I can tell you what I really feel, not by just reading the stuff.”

“Ahhh,” I replied in understanding, and as much as I didn’t want to I played the first song for him, ‘Cry Me a River’, which at the time was untitled. After I was done there was a long silence.

“Shit J, that’s good,” Trace said obviously in awe of what he’d just heard. “You should definitely do an album.”

“Yeah but what about the other guys?” I asked, still thinking about JC, Joey, Chris and Lance. Trace rolled his eyes.

“Just play them that and they’ll agree with me,” Trace said, so I did and he was right, they agreed with him.


“Fuck J you must be stupid or something,” Chris said two weeks after I’d played the song for the rest of the guys in order to get their opinion of doing a solo thing, after I painfully stressed that I would rather still do a group thing.

“What? Why?” I asked totally confused and Chris rolled his eyes at me sitting down next to me.

“J, that shit is good. Why don’t you want to release it as a solo single?” Chris asked and I looked at him and the others as if they were dumb.

“Because I’d feel it would be better as a group thing,” I tried lamely and the others shook their heads.

“No, J,” JC said cutting in. “That shit is good. You should take full credit for it, besides it would sound like crap if we all sung it together.”

“Jayce is right,” Lance put in. “I mean look at it J. It would sound so much better if you sung it in your own words, besides we can’t do it as a group.”

“Why not?” I asked very confused as to why Lance would say that.

“Well because for one we all have our own projects,” Lance said, “I’m going to Russia remember?” Oh yeah, I forgot he mentioned that.

“And I may do Broadway,” Joey put in, “As well as movies.”

“I’m doing my own single for a movie coming out soon,” JC added.

“And I have to clean up FuMan before I can get anything off the belt,” Chris finished and I looked at them all as if they were crazy.

“Are you serious? I should do this?” I asked wanted more reassurance than that. They all nodded.

“We’re sure J,” JC said in all seriousness. “You should release an album with the shit.” So I did.


So I began working with all types of different artists to get my new album out, and with a bit of help I managed to get enough hype to surround it, not to mention my break up with Britney.

Johnny, our manager, agreed to manage me for the project, and I was ever so grateful for that. Half way though the recording of the new album, around end of April I flipped out. I had no clue why I just did. My moods had become more intense and with each passing day I was becoming more unbearable. I managed to get past half of the recording, including ‘Cry Me a River’ which took us days to record because I found it to God damn hard to have to pour my heart out about a woman I’d loved like air for the past three years.

Johnny had become worried by then, and had asked me what was up. At first I told him nothing, because honestly I believed it was just that, nothing. But I should have known better, even Trace had pointed out to me what was wrong but I’d ignored it. I was still hurting, hurting over the fact that she’d hurt me, hurt me more than I could ever want or need.

It was then that I’d realized why I was still feeling like that, she’d never apologized, never said she was sorry. And that hurt more than ever.

Chapter 3.
Everytime.


I don’t know how I managed it, but somehow I got past the next few months after Justin and I broke up. I mean, after we ‘officially’ announced our break-up I was so shocked, unable to fathom the idea that he was no longer mine, and it hurt me like crazy.

“Brit?” My mother’s voice broke through my thought of Justin once again as I sat with her discussing the opening of NYLA, but in reality my heart and soul were not really there. I had gone though a lot these past few months, with ‘Crossroads’ doing so badly and me and Justin breaking up, I wasn’t sure of who I was anymore.

“Yeah mom?” I asked, still half in a daze. She smiled sweetly at me and pulled me to her in a hug.

“Are you okay hunny bunch?” She asked and I smiled, I liked when she called me that, it was a name she gave me when I was younger.

“Not really,” I said and looked up at her. “I can’t believe he’s no longer mine.”

“I know honey, I know,” was all my mother said, now here was the thing she knew what had happened, why we’d broken up and I guess she was still a bit angry about it.

“Anyway let’s continue with this,” I said and tried to refocus on the meeting. She sighed, but agreed to do it. Knowing full and well that I was not in it 100%.


After that it was the opening of NYLA in June and I was in New York, trying to avoid publicity. Because I had been taking the break up like shit, and had cried myself to sleep every night I had released two new singles, both of which weren’t doing very well and I was a mess.

On the night of NYLA’s opening I went out to the eatery with my mom as my date, and tried to have fun. But it really wasn’t working. The press kept on hounding me with questions about Justin and me, and I kept avoiding the questions, saying that he and I were still together. It was still to painful for me to think about him as gone, so I called him.

“What do you want Brit?” he asked, his tone was harsh, and after what I’d done to him I half expected it but I was still upset.

“I...” I began but he stopped me.

“You want? Wanted to finally admit to what happened?” he asked, and I heard myself whisper a ‘yes’. “Yeah well it’s too late for that.”

“J, I’m sorry,” I whispered but he just snorted. I began to cry.

“Cry Me a River Brit,” he snapped and slammed the phone down. That was the beginning to one of our many pointless conversions.


The next time I called him I was back in LA with my mom and not doing much, maybe a few appearances here and there but my mind was constantly consumed by Justin and what he was doing.

“What is it now Brit?” he asked the next time I called him. I sighed and wondered if this was how it would always be.

“So are we going to continue acting like this towards each other?” I asked rather annoyed by him now.

“I don’t know Brit, until you admit to what happened then yeah I guess so,” he replied shortly, I took a deep breath in.

“J I just want to talk,” I replied and he snorted.

“Talk? About what? I don’t wanna hear it Brit, unless you want to talk about how you fucked up then don’t bother calling me,” he snapped and again put the phone down on me.

I sighed and wished we could just go back to the way things were, but we couldn’t.


In August things began taking their toll on me, I was tired and frustrated, and everything to do with Justin had just got my head on a roll. I decided to stay away from the spotlight as much as I could and go back home with my mom.

While out there I heard from one of my friends JC Chasez, Justin’s best friend from Nsync. He said Justin was releasing a new solo project and just thought I should know.

“Why do you think I should know?” I asked JC as I sat on my end of the phone fiddling with the cord.

“Oh, just because. You always told him he should go on to bigger and better things,” JC replied lightly.

“Well um, thanks for, um, telling me, I guess,” I said unsure if it was what I should say.

“Yeah, no problem Brit. Hey also I wanted to give you a heads up of the VMAs,” JC answered and I was curious now. “Have you got you invite yet?”

“Yeah, I got it in the mail yesterday,” I said and reached over for the letter that was sent to me by MTV. “Why?”

“Well, I just wanted to warn you that J will be there, we all will except Lance and J will be premiering his new stuff,” JC said, I took a deep breath in.

“Thanks Jayce, thanks for telling me,” I replied and I heard him chuckle lightly on the other end.

“No problems Brit. Take care bye,” JC replied and before I could answer he hung up. As soon as he hung up I felt a good sense of calm come over me, well at least there was something to look forward to right? I would be seeing Justin again, very soon.

Chapter 4.
Never Again.

We had just wrapped up the Celebrity tour and I found myself in the studio again, but this time without the other guys, my support system. I had been spending a lot of my time after the tour ended just writing, trying to get her out of my head. But it didn’t work, especially since she kept on calling me at all hours, wanting to ‘talk’ but never apologize.

Every time she called I kept on hanging up on her, hoping she’d get the point. I really didn’t want to have to treat her the way I did, but I kept telling myself she deserved it.

Soon I sat in the studio and Johnny told me I would be working with Brian McKnight. I was happy because I’d asked him to work with me knowing he could get some of the great harmonies together, but at the same time I was scared out of my mind. I think it may have been because no one, not even my mother really knew how I felt about Britney still, and now I was going to have to share that with someone not in my close circle of friends.

“So J,” Brian said leaning back on the chair in the studio and looking at me while I sat at the piano. “Let’s hear it.” I looked at him and nodded meekly and took a deep breath in, this was it, no going back.

Would have given up my life for you,
Guess it’s true what they say about love,
It’s blind,
Girl, you lied straight to my face,
Looking in my eyes,
And I believed you because I loved you more than life,
When all you had to do,
Was apologize…..

I stopped and felt the tears rise in my throat as I remembered everything me and Brit had been through. I closed my eyes for a minute and sat there, trying to forget. This was harder than I thought.

“Justin?” Brian asked me with a look of concern on his face. I looked up at him after a while and smiled.

“Yeah?” I asked with a raspy voice looking back down quickly at my notes.

“You okay dude?” Brian asked, I nodded and looked back at him.

“Yeah sorry, just a bit of a scratchy throat,” I lied and reached over for the glass of water that sat on the piano, I took a long sip.

“Okay ready?” Brian asked, I nodded and continued to play.

You didn’t say you’re sorry,
I don’t understand,
You don’t care that you hurt me,
And now I’m half the man,
That I used to be when it was you and me,
You didn’t love me enough,
My heart may never mend,
And you’ll never get to love me again (hey, hey, hey)
No, no, no, no, no, no.

I paused again as the tears threaten to fall, I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and tried to forget her.

“Justin? Are you sure you’re okay?” Brian’s voice asked me as I seemed to loose all sense of where I was. I didn’t open my eyes; I just nodded and took another breath in.

“Yeah I’m good,” I replied, “Just you know; it’s been a rough day.”

“Yeah I get it,” he replied with sympathy. “You wanna continue or finish up
tomorrow?” I shook my head, adamant to finish today; after all we’d asked him to come in especially right?

“No I’m good,” I said opening my eyes and continued to play.

Sadness has me at the end of the line,
Helpless watched you break this heart of mine,
And loneliness only wants you back here with me,
But common sense knows that you’re not good enough for me,
And all you had to do was apologize,
And mean it…

I could imagine her eyes, her face and everything else swimming around in my brain as I played the song. Every word I sang reminded me of her, and it was so true to what I was feeling I didn’t know if was even right.
I knew that I wanted her back, but the common sense in me said no, she hurt you, don’t let yourself fall back into her trap. But sometimes it was hard, especially when I’d get home and know to expect a message from her.

But you didn't say you're sorry
I don't understand
You don't care that you hurt me
And now I'm half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn't love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you'll never get to love me.

I knew I didn’t want her to still love me, but for both of us it was hard, we’d grown up together, literally. And now here we were, in two separate worlds, when just months ago they were one.

Wish like hell I could go back in time,
Maybe then I could see how...
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try,
But it's too late, it's over now. (Hey, yeah, yeah, ooh)

I finished up the rest of the song and sighed, that had been harder than I had thought. I opened my eyes and looked over to Brian, whose eyes held a sad expression.

“Well?” I asked and he smiled softly.

“It’s good kid,” he replied nodding, “But maybe we add a bit more instruments, make it all acoustic though, what do you think?” I nodded, in reply, not really caring. My heart had been taken too much out of my body today, running down my mind.

“Um, yeah sure thing,” I said nodding and taking a long sip of water. Brian looked at me and smiled, because to him we’d just finished making a hit. But to me, we’d just given the world a taste of my heart.


A few weeks later I was sitting with Timbaland in the studio, and he just happened to be humming a melody that I thought was really unique and would be good for ‘Cry Me a River.’

“That’s a cool beat,” I said nodding in his direction, Timbaland nodded and smiled at me.

“Yeah it is, just something about that tune you just played me,” Timbaland replied and leaned forward.

“Yeah I was thinking about that too, why don’t we try it out?” I asked, at the time I wasn’t worried because I had already thought I had overcome all my Britney problems, after the incident with Brian.

“So should we try it out?” I asked with a raised eyebrow and Timbaland nodded, I smiled and cleared my throat as I began to play the song.

You were my sun,
You were my earth,
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no.
So you took a chance,
Made other plans.
But I bet you didn't think your thing would come crashing down, no.
I found myself pausing again, and wondering why in hell’s name Brit refused to tell me what had happened, why did I have find out from Wade?
You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from him.
Now there's just no chance
For you and me, there'll never be.
And don't it make you sad about it?

I wondered if she was sad, if she felt guilty. I wanted her to; I wanted her to see what damage she’d caused. But would she? She most probably felt guilty about it, but she would never tell anyone, not even her mother.

You told me you loved me,
Why did you leave me, all alone?
Now you tell me you need me,
When you call me, on the phone.
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused,
With some other guy.
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn,
To cry...Cry me a river (repeat 4x)
Yeah, yeah.

Now she was trying to contact me? Why? To say she was sorry for breaking my heart? I shook my head in the confusion of all my thoughts.

“J, you okay?” Timbaland’s voice asked breaking me out of my trance and I realized I’d be playing the same line over
and over.

“Um, yeah,” I said with confusion, “Just a lot on my mind.”

“I hear you man,” Timbaland said, “You wanna finish it or what?” I nodded and continued playing.

I know that they say,
That some things are better left unsaid.
But it wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it (Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things people told me,
Keep messing with my head. (Messing with my head)
Should've picked honesty,
Then you may not have blown it (yeah).

I knew she had been lying, the papers had said so, even the guys had told me. Heck, she’d even told Jayce who’d relayed the information to me about Wade trying to pick up Brit, but I brushed it of why? Because I loved the woman that’s why. God, I was so gullible. But if she’d told me the truth about Wade, then maybe, just maybe I could have helped avoid the problem, but she’d lied.

You don't have to say, what you did, (Don't have to say, what you did)
I already know, I found out from him (I already know, uh)
Now there's just no chance, for you and me, there'll never be. (No chance, you and me)
And don't it make you sad about it?
Then Wade came up and told me. I closed my eyes and continued playing as that day when Wade came up to the house replayed in my head. I had treated him like shit, but I had a right. My whole heart had been trampled on that day, like a part of me had been taken away never to return.
You told me you loved me,
Why did you leave me, all alone (all alone)
Now you tell me you need me,
When you call me, on the phone (when you call me on the phone).
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused,
With some other guy. (I'm not like them baby)
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn (It's your turn)
To cry, so...Cry me a river (Go on and just) (repeat 4x)
Yeah, yeah.

I snapped out of my trance just as I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate. I sighed and picked it up, glancing at Timbaland who gave me a suspicious look.

“Justin?” It was Britney; I shook my head and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to deal with her now; I had to change this number.

“No Brit, not now,” I said trying not loose my cool. “I’m busy.”

“Can’t we at least talk?” she asked, and I snapped. Did she ever listen?

“No Brit,” I snapped, “I said I was busy, go bug someone else.”

“But Justin...” she began and I cut her off.

“I don’t give a shit Brit,” I snapped. “You’re bridges have been burned.” And I snapped my phone shut.

“J, you okay?” Timbaland asked giving me a concern look. I sighed and nodded.

“Yeah I’m good,” I said, “Just women troubles.” He smiled and gave a low chuckle.

“Britney? The woman you wrote the song for?” he asked knowing and I nodded.

“You can say that,” I replied and began playing again. “So
I was thinking you could add something in here.” I continued playing hoping he would just drop the subject and add a line or two to the song instead.

“Yeah I could,” he said nodding and tapping a pen on the table as he picked out the beat. After a while he nodded and looked at me. “Okay play it again.”

“Sure,” I said and replayed it, as I did so he added his own line.

“Oh, (oh) the damage is done, so I guess I be leaving,” he sang and I looked at him, that was perfect. Exactly what the song needed and exactly what I wanted to tell Brit.

“That’s great,” I said nodding and looking at him. “You think we could repeat it? Like four times or so just to give it flow?”

He nodded and smiled, “Yeah I was thinking the same thing.”

“Cool,” I said and finished the song, when we were done he smiled at me.

“That was good kid,” he said, and I smiled back. “So you want to lay it down solid?”

“Yeah let’s,” I said but stood up. “But first I need a break.” He nodded and got up as well as we walked out the room to get some drinks. As we left I still couldn’t shake the feeling that my life was one step to becoming something I had always dreaded, public.

Chapter 5.
Stronger.


The night of the VMA’s in 2002, I could feel my bones shaking. By now it had been a while since I had seen Justin and I was wondering what would happen when our paths crossed.

I wore a little black dress, and it was the night where both Justin and I were going to show off our newly empowered life as singles. I walked the red carpet and the whole time my eyes scanned the crowd for the familiar face I knew as Justin’s.

“Brit?” I turned around, and looked into the very familiar eyes of JC.

“Hey Jayce,” I said with a soft smile wanting to ask about Justin.

“Hey, how are you?” He asked with a genuine tone in his voice, I smiled softly and looked down at my shoes.

“Um, I’ve been okay,” I replied with truth and he smiled putting a hand on my shoulder.

“You sure?” he asked and I just nodded. “Good.”

“Um, how’s Justin? I mean is he nervous?” I asked referring to the fact that Justin would be on stage in a few minutes. JC smiled and nodded.

“Yeah he is, scared shitless,” JC replied with a chuckle. “But that’s the kid.” I nodded and gave a smile of my own.

“Yeah it is, but he’s okay otherwise?” I asked.

“Yeah he is, thanks for asking,” JC said softly and made me look at him. “Brit?”

“Yeah?” I asked looking at him.

“Are you seriously okay?” he asked and I sighed.

“Yeah Jayce, I told you. I’m okay,” I replied and looked towards the door. “Tell Justin I said good luck.”

“Sure,” he said and without hearing another word I walked away.


“You think he’ll be okay?” I whispered to my mother a few minutes later just before Justin was to perform. My mother looked at me and smiled.

“Brit, he’ll be fine,” she said softly as the presenter announced him. “Now just watch.” I nodded and turned my head to the stage. I knew Justin may not be okay, because he was used to having JC and the others up there with him, but now he was all alone.

We waited and watched on the edge of our seats as the big fake radio rose from under the stage and opened up. As it opened up, the door shone and there standing inside this radio, was the silhouette. The silhouette of the man I once loved, and still did, the man I had betrayed.


Justin had performed amazingly, and by the end of the performance I could swear half the arena were standing up cheering for him. I looked over to JC, Joey and Chris and they all looked so proud of him, and I too found myself smiling.

After the show my mother got a call from my manager, saying something about NYLA.

“Brit, its Jon from NYLA he wants to know when you’ll be in town next to over see the books,” my mother said and I sighed.

“I don’t know mom, I told him that I was taking a break and didn’t want to be disturbed,” I said as I rolled my eyes. My mother sighed but handed me the phone.

“Just talk to him,” she said and I sighed taking the phone from her.

“Yes Jon?” I asked annoyed.

“When are you coming in to over see the books? We’re somehow having money disappear on us Brit,” Jon said, “As well as impending law suits from consumers who claim to have gotten food poisoning.”

“So what do you want me to do about that?” I snapped, “I told you Jon, I’m taking a fucking break.”

“I know,” he snapped back, “But seeing as you are the co-owner, I thought you’d like to know what’s going on.”

“Yeah well right now I don’t give a shit,” I snapped and slapped the phone down. That was the beginning of the end for NYLA and half of my personal life.


“I can’t believe that you just let that happen,” my mother snapped at me a few weeks later as we were informed that I was no longer a part of NYLA, we were in Europe doing the promotional tour for the new album. I just shrugged and looked out the window, because frankly I didn’t care for much anymore.

“Yeah well he shouldn’t have called me on my break,” I said bluntly, Justin still on my mind. My mother sighed and shook her head.

“Brit, you’ve gotta get him out of your head,” she said softly and I just shrugged again.

“Yeah but it’s hard,” I said and turned away from her not letting her see the tears in my eyes, I was still thinking of what I’d heard him talk about on the radio a few weeks after the VMA’s. She sighed, and didn’t say anything as her phone rang and she picked it up.

“Hello? Yes, hmm, let me ask her hang on,” my mother said as she picked up the phone, I looked at her strangely before she spoke. “That was Diane Sawyer’s people, they want an interview.” I sighed and just nodded, what ever they wanted, after all maybe I could talk about my upcoming plans.

“Okay, tell them I’ll do it,” I said in defeat, my mother looked at me and smiled supportively.

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to,” she said and I looked at her with a smile.

“Its okay mom, I want to,” I said trying to convince her. “Tell them I’ll do it.”


A few days before the Diane Sawyer interview I was supposed to an interview on the Today Show but decided to pull out. Everyone thought it had to do with the fact that they’d aired a story about me with out my permission, but in all honesty, like my European promotional tour earlier, I was not up for the spotlight, so I pulled out.

I told myself that I’d only do the interview with Dianne Sawyer, then that would be it, but on that day things got tougher for me and I was just about ready to give up.

On top of everything that day, I was dealing with one of my favourite aunts getting ill and the press, so the day was just shitty for me. The thing that made the situation horrible was the fact that Dianne wouldn’t stop prodding into my life, and then the worst part was she had to bring up the age old Justin question and that really sent me into a flip.

“And maybe she has another kind of adolescent rebellion. London, insulting fans by showing up late to her movie premiere, no autographs, barely saying hello. In Mexico City, four months later, a finger for the paparazzi. And then five songs into her concert the last night of her world tour, she walked offstage in front of 50,000 fans. It's too dangerous a situation. And it all happens as she's starring as a kind of villain in the tabloid accounts of supposed jealous arguments and then a horrible break-up with her self-proclaimed first love, Justin Timberlake. You've had a rough year,” Dianne commented, I took a deep breath in looking at her because I knew she’d just laid all the cards on the table.

“It was pretty rough, yeah. Yeah, it was kind of weird. Oh, weird, hello. Oh my goodness, hello. Oh, strong Britney. Yeah, it was a weird time,” I paused and felt the tears in my throat as I thought of Justin again and covered my face with my hands. “Oh, can we stop this?” I was now having my lower lip tremble, I looked up at Diane then at my mother who was yelling at one of the producers, and I hoped she could stop this.

Then they played a line from one of my songs, ‘And every time I try to fly I fall without my wings.' I think then my heart began to slowly break.

“It’s another one of the songs on her new CD. It's called 'Every Time'. She wrote it. Listen to the words,” Diane continued not noticing my hurt, I wanted to kill the woman.

'My weakness caused you pain, and the sun's smile.' I weakly smiled and tried regain my composure knowing I had to continue because she wouldn’t stop.

“I was upset. I was upset for a while. We both … I think we were both really young and it was kind of waiting to happen and I will always love him. He'll always have a special place in my heart. He is such a great person,” I said softly hoping she would move on from the topic, I tried not to look in her eyes.

“But you've said, "I've only slept with one person in my whole life, two years into my relationship with Justin."
And yet he's left the impression that you weren't faithful, that you betrayed the relationship,” Diane stated, then a new set of tears threatened to fall and I sighed looking away as I tried to clear my head and answer the question.

“I'm not technically saying he's wrong, but I'm not technically saying he's right, either,” I replied and looked at my mother whose face told me to just get it over and done with, I nodded in answer. “So all this feels really awkward right now.” There was a pause and I thought she’d finished the questions, but she didn’t she opened up hurting wounds from September.

“Timberlake has made a kind of sport about public retaliation. On a popular morning drive radio show in New York promoting his album, he has a kind of gleeful confession about their very private life,” Diane said to the camera as if I wasn’t even there, I looked at her in shock as I had to re-hear all the painful things he said, each word making my heart break.

“Justin Timberlake is in the house. And I just want to ask you one question, did you fuck Britney Spears? Yes or no,” the radio announcer asked Justin. I held my breath and wondered what he would say.

“Oh man,” Justin’s voice came, and my head went spinning in a million different directions at the sound of it.

“Come on man,” the announcer asked, and I took a deep breath in. Please Justin don’t, I prayed even though I’d heard the interview before I knew what he would say but I thought that if I prayed it would change it.

“Okay, I did it,” Justin said more of like a statement, and they stopped the tape, everyone sitting around in awe. Even my mother whose mouth hung agape, I wanted to curl up and die. How could he have said those things? That was personal.

“Holly shit,” one of the guys off to the left of us said and there was a murmur of agreement, I felt eyes on me, they’d obviously not heard this before.

“It was a really weird time. There was like talk about our … what we did together and like really...” I began but stopped, what was I supposed to say in reply to that? He’d just told the world about our personal life in the bedroom, that now my mother knew about.

“Sexually?” Diane finished for me and I nodded blankly not listening to the question.

“Sexually and stuff. And I just felt very exploited and very weird. I was like, why is he going on those shows and they're asking him and he talks,” I said with a hint of anger to my voice that wasn’t intended. “But I'm sure he's like, you know, right, like right now you're asking me about it and it comes right out.” I then felt for some reason that he had betrayed me too.


“I’m going to sue them for every penny,” my mother fumed as we sat backstage a few minutes after the interview.

“How can they do that? Exploit you like that? And not even respecting you enough to stop when you asked?”

“Mom, it’s the press. It’s what they do,” I said with a shrug, I didn’t want to go into it, I was emotionally drained.

“I don’t care who they are,” my mother snapped pacing the room. “And how could Justin say those things about you? I’m going to have a talk with Lynn about that.”

“Mom please lay off it,” I said with annoyance, “I don’t care.”

“How can you not care Brit?” My mother asked me as she stopped pacing and knelt down in front of me. “This is your career we’re talking about and they’ve just tried to tarnish it by saying all that shit.”

“I know mom,” I said with a sigh, “But it’s not like it’s not ruined enough, Justin was just adding fuel to the fire.” My mother sighed in annoyance then looked at Mike, my body guard.

“Stay here with her, I’m going to talk to the producer,” she said and my mouth opened in protest.

“Mom, don’t,” I said but it was too late, she’d already left the room. That was it; I decided right then and there I was taking a break, a long break.

Chapter 6.
Through The Rain.


I ran off stage cursing under my breath, knowing I had messed up so many of my moves. It was my first performance as a solo artist, and it was the VMA’s.

“Shit, I so messed that up,” I said to Joey as I got backstage and smiling into the cameras. We had hired a film crew to follow me around in order to promote the album; they had been there ever since we laid down ‘Cry Me a River’ solid.

“Now, now,” Joey said waving a finger at me. “I don’t want that attitude mister, you did pretty darn good.” I smiled at Joey and thanked the lord above that I had such a great support system as Joey ushered the camera man out the room so we could have privacy for a while.
“Private matters to discuss, a brother thing,” he said and slammed the door in the cameraman’s face, I chuckled.

“Thanks Joe,” I replied shyly and Chris and JC came barging into the room. Chris grabbing me in a hug.

“Man, that was tight!” Chris said with a huge smile on his face and Joey laughed.

“Yeah try and convince him that,” Joey commented, “Lance would be proud dude.” I smiled again and remembered that Lance wasn’t there, he was in Russia.

“I hope so,” I said softly, and JC hugged me.

“He will be J,” JC said, “You were great.”

“Thanks Jayce,” I said, “But I still feel…”

“Now stop right there!” Joey said interrupting me, “I will not have you degrading yourself like that!” JC and Chris nodded in agreement.

“Yeah J, you need to learn to give yourself a pat on the back once in a while,” Chris said in agreement and patted me on the back.

“I know, I know,” I replied with a small smile. “So when do we present?”

“Oh shit,” JC said looking at his watch and grabbing my arm. “We gotta bolt; we’re due on stage now!”

“Oh crap,” Chris muttered and pushed me forward, we all rushed out of the room, nearly knocking over the camera guy in the process as they announced us to present the Viewer’s Choice award.


“So Justin, what happened between you and Britney?” I groaned, and rolled my eyes. I was in another radio interview promoting the new album, but at this rate all I felt like I was promoting was my life, it was like a bloody broken radio.

“It’s personal,” I said and the interviewer eyed me sceptically.

“Is it true she cheated on you with Wade Robson?” The guy asked, I felt my blood boil and the sound of his name and shot the guy a look.

“I said it was personal, so drop it,” I snapped and glanced around. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Johnny glare at me with warning. It was at times like these that I wished the other guys could be here as buffers.

“O-okay,” the interviewer said feeling a bit foolish. “Um, so when’s the new album being released?” I smiled; glad to have averted the topic.

“In a few days,” I said with a charming smile and the interview went on, all questions about me and Brit dropped.


The next time they asked me about Britney, I was caught off guard so I thought I might as well get it out in the open.

“Justin Timberlake is in the house. And I just want to ask you one question, did you fuck Britney Spears? Yes or no,” the radio announcer asked me; I looked at him in shock and wondered what I should say.

“Oh man,” I said wondering what to say, I paused and looked at Johnny through the glass.

“Come on man,” the announcer asked, and I took a deep breath in, Johnny smiled at me with encouragement. I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t give it a rest until I answered properly.

“Okay, I did it,” I said aspirated, I was so going to sue the guy.


“Can’t we sue them? Or like do something?” I asked Johnny a few hours later as I sat in my hotel room in Germany. Johnny sighed and shook his head.

“No I’m afraid not,” Johnny said looking at me with despair. “Kid, the only thing we can do is hope they don’t ask questions like that again.”

“But I insulted Brit’s trust in me!” I called in despair and Johnny raised an eyebrow.

“And she didn’t do that to you?” Johnny asked, and I sighed he had a point.

“Can’t we do anything?” I asked again, hoping the answer would be different.

“They have all the right to ask what they want kiddo, I’m afraid not,” Johnny said.

“Yeah but this is about the album, not me and Brit,” I said and threw my arms in the air.

“Well then what do you want to do about it?” Johnny asked wanting to know my opinion.

“Tell them I won’t do any interviews,” I began but Johnny stopped me.

“Wait, no you have to,” he said but I shook my head.

“No, tell them that if any of their people ask me a question about Brit I walk,” I said, “I refuse to do anything that doesn’t relate to the album.”

“Good thinking Kid,” Johnny said with a smile. “I’m glad you’re thinking on your feet, the other guys will be proud.”


“But Jayce,” I protested later on at the release party for Justified, we had found a corner somewhere where JC had decided to pull me aside and see what as going on.

“No buts J,” JC said with a stern look, becoming the daddy figure again. “What you did was unacceptable.”

“What did you want me to do Jayce?” I snapped, “They were pounding me with so many fucking questions.” I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him, but it didn’t work.

“Yeah but that didn’t excuse it, right?” JC asked sternly,
“J, you diminished her reputation in two words.”

“I know okay?” I said frustrated, “I feel so bloody guilty about that.”

“Then apologize to her,” JC stated leaving no room for argument but I argued anyways.

“Not until she apologizes to me,” I said stubbornly, and JC rolled his eyes at me.

“You’re so stubborn J,” he said, “You need to apologize and move on, both of you.”

“So why don’t you tell her then? Stop preaching to me about it,” I snapped and stalked away from him going to find a much needed drink.


“Tell me what crawled up your ass,” Chris said sitting next to me at the bar, I rolled my eyes and took a swig of my beer. “There is press here you know, at least look happy you released the record.”

“I am,” I said not looking at him, “It’s Jayce.”

“Okay what happened?” Chris asked with a concerned voice, he always hated it when we fought.

“Well it’s not only him,” I replied slowly looking at my beer. “It’s this whole bloody Britney thing.”

“You mean the questions about her?” Chris asked with a raised eyebrow, and I nodded.

“Yeah, Jayce said I should apologize,” I said softly and Chris nodded.

“He’s right you know,” Chris stated not leaving a room for argument, I looked up at him.

“Yeah I know but right now I can’t,” I replied and again Chris nodded.

“That’s ok; as long as you do J,” Chris said, “Beside you better stop moping here comes your date.” I looked at him and he raised an eyebrow looking over his shoulder, I followed his gaze and smiled as I saw my date walking towards us.

“Hey Alyssa,” I said putting on a fake smile.

“Hey J,” she said walking up to me and kissing me. “How about a drink?” I nodded and ordered us another round and forgot about Britney, for now anyways.


Later on, about a week later I sat at home watching TV and trying to clear my mind of what JC had said when the door bell rang. I sighed and looked at the clock, it was late. I wondered who it was when I’d told everyone to give me space. I got up and decided to answer it so I could get the person to go away.

“Yes?” I asked opening the door.

“Justin!” Britney’s voice called as she wrapped her arms around my neck, I looked at her in shock. Prying her grasp from my neck.

“Brit? What are you doing here?” I asked, pushing her back. She looked at me and smiled.

“I came to get some stuff I left here,” she said with a smile. I raised an eyebrow at her and wondered if I should let her in.

“Brit, you took everything when we broke up remember?” I asked and she laughed lightly.

“No I didn’t,” she said and walked past me into the house, I watched her stunned. After a few seconds I shut the door and followed her as she stalked into my kitchen. She walked up to the table and placed the bag that was on her shoulder onto it, and then turned to look at me. “I missed you. I’m still in love with you J; I don’t know where to go in my life without you.”

“Well,” I began wondering how to answer. “Brit, what is it you want exactly?”

“I told you silly,” she said with a laugh and walking up to me, “I came to get some stuff, and to see how you were.” She tried to wrap her arms around my neck but I held her back at arm’s length.

“I’m doing good,” I said looking sternly at her, “Now can you go please? I’ll send whatever you left to your mom’s house.” She looked at me and gave a small frown before walking back to her bag, I thought she was going to pick it up and go, but instead she opened it up and produced a bottle of wine.

“Shall we?” she asked with a smile, I looked at her with my mouth open. What was wrong with this woman?

“Brit, I told you to go, can you please respect that?” I asked, she looked at me with a fallen face.

“Um, okay then,” she said and put the wine back. “I’m sorry I disturbed you.”

“It’s okay just go,” I said not looking at her, she nodded but didn’t say anything as she walked out the room. I sighed as she left and walked over to the counter leaning against it for support, wondering what had just happened. I knew I still loved her, but I couldn’t let her back in, it was too risky.

“Justin.” I groaned as I heard the voice over ten minutes later and took a deep breath in, hadn’t she gone?

“Brit, I told you..” I began as I looked up to her, but stopped. She was standing in the door way in my favorite North Carolina shirt. “What were you doing in my closet?”

“I thought I’d surprise you,” she said softly walking up to me and leaning against me. She pushed me back so my back was nearly hitting the counter top.

“Well you definitely did surprise me,” I said trying to get her off me.

“Good,” she whispered and leaned even closer so her lips were only inches from mine. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes, before pushing her off.

“Brit, please don’t,” I said as I pushed her off and she stumbled back. I caught a glimpse of her and saw her lower lip tremble.

“What’s wrong?” she asked near to tears, I looked at her and sighed.

“What’s wrong? Well for starters Brit you decide to turn up here unannounced with a bottle of wine,” I said and I saw her tears begin to fall and for a moment I felt bad.

“What’s so bad about that?” she asked with a teary voice. I raised an eyebrow at her, did she want me to answer that?

“Britney we broke up remember?” I asked her, “You can’t just turn up here unannounced with a bottle of wine claiming you want to collect some stuff.”

“You didn’t mind before,” she said quietly not looking at me, I sighed she was right.

“Yeah, but that was before we broke up,” I said, “But now it’s not okay. Why don’t you get dressed back into your regular clothes then jut leave? It’ll be better for the both of us.”

“Fine,” she snapped and fled my house, not even bothering to change her clothes. I knew then that we would never get back together. She was in my past, and definitely not anywhere in my future.

Chapter 7.
When you believe.


One Year Later- September 2003.


It was a year since Justin and I had broken up, a year after I had left his house wearing his favourite shirt. And here I was, getting ready to go on stage with Madonna.

Madonna had called me up a few months ago and asked if I wanted to perform with her at that year’s ceremony saying she thought it would be good hype for my new album I was recording. I couldn’t say no, because after all she was Madonna, so I agreed and it was only a few days before the scheduled performance I was told who else would be joining us, Christina Aguilera, my childhood friend from the Mickey Mouse Club who was currently on tour with Justin.

“So, how’ve you been?” Christina asked me as we sat backstage waiting to go on. We hadn’t really talked since we started rehearsals.

“I’ve been okay, thanks,” I said with a small smile. There was a silence between us, and I knew this would be harder than I imagined, we’d been avoiding the Justin topic all weekend. “How’s Justin?”

“He’s okay, he’s here tonight you know,” she said with a smile. I looked at her and nodded, I knew he was there, I had heard it through the grapevine.

“I know,” I whispered and glanced at the stage wondering how he would react to the performance tonight.

“He’ll be surprised, but he’ll be okay with it,” Christina said reading my mind. I looked back at her and smiled.

“Yeah, I was just thinking,” I said softly and she nodded in understanding.

“Well don’t think too much,” she said with a laugh and I smiled, “I didn’t date him you know they were just rumours.” I nodded; I knew now not to trust the tabloids.

“Yeah I know you would never do that,” I said and she nodded before leaning over and giving me a hug.

“You’ve done good Brit, I’m proud of you,” Christina said with a smile.

“Thanks,” I said and thought about what else to say.

“Hey girls you ready?” Madonna’s voice broke our little conversation and we both looked up.

“Yeah we’re ready,” I said softly and Christina grinned.

“Yeah we’re just talking about the dreaded ex,” Christina said with a smile, and Madonna grinned.

“Well then,” she said helping us both up and putting her arms around our shoulders. “He’s going to be one very shocked ex.”


And shocked he was. I was at the after party, standing off to one corner with a very shocked Justin looking at me.

“What the hell Brit?” he asked with shock.

“What the hell what J?” I asked him back with arms crossed over my chest.

“What was that kiss about?” he asked, “That was so not you.”

“Oh and you think you know me?” I replied angrily and he shook his head.

“No, the Britney I knew wouldn’t pull such shit,” he snapped and I rolled my eyes. We hadn’t really talked since that day at his house. “You’re no longer her, I don’t know you.”

“Yeah well that Britney is no more,” I snapped back, “She left when you decided that you didn’t need her anymore.” He glared at me and didn’t say a word, I sighed and rolled my eyes, if this was how he was going to be then I didn’t want to talk anymore. I glared at him one more time then walked away, leaving him staring after me in wonder, it made me feel good and it gave me hope.


When November rolled around, Justin was still upset with me as I was him. It seemed as if we couldn’t leave behind the past.

“So the new tour opens when?” My mother asked, I looked at the new tour manager Frank and sighed.

Frank looked over his notes then looked at us, “Around March, sometime in the spring next year. That good?”

“Yeah it is,” I said as he handed me the notes to look over. “The album’s being released tomorrow so we’ll start the rehearsals early Jan.”

“Do you want to do stadiums? Use dancers?” Frank asked me, and I nodded.

“Let’s do whatever, but I want dancers. Also I want this to be more mature, can you do that?” I asked, “And I want some of the acts that are on the album to do a few shows.”

“That can be arranged,” Frank said taking back his notes and jotting it down. “I’ll call their teams and see what we can do. This is going to be a great tour Brit.” I smiled at him, because I knew for some reason this would change my life forever.


A few days later Frank called me back, and he had great news. He wanted to meet to discuss our options.

“Okay so here’s the deal,” Frank said handing me a sheet of paper. “I thought we should have the tour centered on the Onyx Hotel.”

“Really?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. I’d heard about the hotel, it was a mysterious place that made people’s dreams come true. “I like it.”

“Good, because I was thinking that maybe we could have the stage be set up as mysterious and sexy, sort of like showing the world how much you’ve grown,” he said and I nodded in agreement.

“Yeah I want to show them how mature I am,” I said, “So we call it the Onyx Hotel Tour?”

“Yeah and we’d kick off in San Diego on the 2nd of March, which means you’d have to start auditions for dancers right away then get to work on routines and such by the end of November,” Frank said with a smile and I agreed.

“Okay let’s do it then,” I said, “Oh by the way did you get any one to agree to open up?” Frank looked at me then smiled.

“Yeah we did actually. You know how Kelis is your new fave artist?” Frank asked and I nodded. ‘Well her people have agreed for her to open up for you.” I smiled with excitement, and hugged Frank.

“Oh my God Frank!” I squealed, “Thanks so much!”

“No problems Brit,” he said pulling away. “So how’s the reception to the album?”

“Its great,” I said with a smile, “I think people will like the tour.”

“Me too Brit,” he replied with a grin. “And when we get all the work done for the tour, it’ll be worth it.” I couldn’t agree with him more.

Chapter 8.
Right for Me.


One year later- September 2003.


2003 started off as a good year for me, after the whole ‘Cry Me a River’ video thing but I called Brit up and apologized and she accepted the apology. I hadn’t heard from Britney in a while, and I was doing the Justified and Stripped Tour. It was also the year that I would meet the woman that I was to spend the next few years with.

We had taken a break from the tour and were both at the VMA’s that year because Christina was performing. What Christina didn’t tell me, was that she was performing with Britney.

When Britney came on stage, I felt my breath go away. I had forgotten how much I missed her. I looked over to my mother who was smiling proudly, and smiled.

“Doesn’t she look great?” my mother whispered not taking her eyes of the stage, and I nodded in agreement.

“Yeah she…” I stopped in mid-sentence as Britney’s lips made contact with Madonna’s. My heart stopped, what was I seeing? “Mom...”

“Oh my God,” was all my mother said clutching my arm. “What…”

“Exactly,” I muttered and couldn’t take my eyes of the stage. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a camera pointed my way, and I rolled my eyes. Yeah, they wanted to see how the ex took it.


“Did you see it?” Chris asked me later that night when he’d called me. There was shock in his voice as he spoke, well that made two of us.

“Hello I was there dude they did a close up on me remember?” I said rolling my eyes. “I had to see it in the flesh.”

“Well? Was it hot?” Chris asked and I wrinkled my nose.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you? That was Brit for fuck’s sake!” I called, “It was not her.”

“I know what you mean,” Chris said sullenly, “I was just curious. So did you ask her about it?”

“Yeah,” I replied sitting on my bed and watching MTV where they were replaying the bloody thing over and over.

“And?” Chris asked, I felt confused.

“And what?” I asked not understanding, Chris sighed.

“What did she say dude,” Chris stated as if I was dumb.

“We just ended up fighting. I told her she wasn’t that person on stage,” I replied leaning on the bed and pointing to the TV screen as if Chris could see me.

“And she said?” Chris asked wanting to know more.

“And she said that I was right, the Brit I knew didn’t exist anymore,” I replied and I heard Chris sigh.

“Damn, what’s that girl done to herself?” Chris asked and I shrugged.

“I have no clue, but I wish I did. Why are they replaying the bloody thing over and over?” I asked more to myself than him. “I mean I was there, I don’t need to see it more than once.”

“Yeah we saw by the look on your face,” Chris chuckled.

“Yeah thanks to the bloody camera men, let’s see what Justin Timberlake thinks of that,” I replied rolling my eyes, “How typical, like they haven’t gotten over the fact that we broke up.”

“They’re not the only ones I see,” Chris commented and I sat back up.

“What do you mean? I’m with Cam now,” I snapped and Chris chuckled.

“You haven’t gotten over it either J,” he replied and hung up.


Was Chris right? Had I not gotten over the break up? But I must have because I was with Cam now right?

I met Cameron in June of 2003 at an Award show, and we hit it off. At first we would just hang out as friends you know, but as time went on the relationship grew. Then in July, actually I remember the exact day, it was July 22nd 2003, we reunited after both of us had hectic schedules. We were in Miami, and it was there where we took the relationship to the next level.

So I sat in my hotel room, and after a few minutes my phone rang I groaned thinking it was Chris and picked it up.

“I’m over it,” I said to get rid of him.

“You’re over what?” Cam’s voice asked with a chuckle, “I think you’re hallucinating.” I smiled at the sound of her voice.

“Hey Cam,” I said relaxing more. “Sorry I thought you were C, he was pestering me about the VMA’s.”

“Ahhh, about the infamous Britney kiss?” Cam asked with a slight humour in her tone. I sighed and nodded.

“Yeah that,” I replied with a smile. “He’s so bloody obsessed with it.”

“Yeah well he is Chris,” she replied and I nodded.

“Yeah he is,” I answered, “So how are you babe?”

“I’m good, miss you like crazy,” she replied softly. I smiled and closed my eyes, it was good to feel loved again after so long.

“I miss you too,” I said, “I’m gonna come back to LA next week.”

“Yeah? That’s great babe, I think I might be off that week too,” she replied and I smiled.

“Good,” I replied sniffling a yawn, “I’m dying to see you.”

“Me too,” she said and sighed. “I think you better go to bed, you must be bushed from the VMA’s.”

“I am,” I replied with a stretch as I leaned back on the bed.

“Well then go to bed,” she said with a giggle. “I’ll talk to you later. Love you bye.”

“Bye love you too baby,” I replied and hung up. The minute I hung up I put my head on the pillow and fell fast asleep, knowing that no matter what Chris said I was not still hung up over Britney. Cam was the only one for me, the only one right for me.

Chapter 9.
Dear Diary.


January 2004.


It was January third 2004, and I was in Vegas with some friends having a great time, when my life took a spiral down. I don’t remember exactly what happened that night, because I had been drinking a bit too much vodka and cranberry juice but I remember one thing, my childhood friend Jason Alexander, he was there, and he coaxed me into it.

I guess he did it because he wanted the publicity, wanted to make the money off me and looking back I can see how. We had been drinking the whole night before and were pretty wasted. I don’t know why we decided to do it, maybe for the fun of it, but we did it, and it was the worst decision ever.

“Let’s get married,” Jason announced to me as he swung his arm over my shoulder. I laughed as if I thought this was the funniest thing ever.

“Okay,” I said feeling a bit giddy, “But where?”

“Somewhere spectacular!” He said waving his arms around and twirling. I giggled at him and nodded.

“Ohhh, what about that little place we saw on our way in? I forget the name,” I said with excitement.

“Where ever my queen wants,” he said falling down on one knee and grabbing my hand. “Let’s getting married just for the hell of it! Let’s go wild and crazy!” I laughed at the idea, but at the time it sounded fun.

So we did, at one of the wedding chapels in Vegas, and we took my brother and his girl friend along as witnesses too. It was 5:30 am on Saturday morning.


The next day I remember waking up with a screaming hang over and realizing it was past noon, and I was married. Shit what had I done? What would everyone think? I sighed and clambered out of bed, once I was actually standing on my feet I looked around. Fuck I was in his hotel room, and we’d had sex. Shit. I sighed and grabbed my clothes; I ran into the bathroom, changed and abruptly left Vegas a few hours later. I really didn’t want to have to face him.

I got home back to Louisiana and the first person I told was my mother, she went crazy.

“You what?” she shrieked and I sighed, placed my head in my hands and nodded.

“We got married,” I whispered and groaned. “What do I do?”

“You get a divorce, that’s what,” she stated glaring at me. “How could you let this happen?” I shrugged and refused to look at her, because I knew she was upset.

“We wanted to have fun,” I said, and I knew it sounded like the lamest excuse ever concocted in human history.

“Fun? Brit, if you want to have fun go out and drink, but getting married because you want some fun?” My mother asked, and I knew then that she thought I was nuts. I just nodded, not knowing what to say.

“Yeah, that and we were drunk,” I said looking down at my feet in shame. I heard her take a deep breath in then sit next to me on the couch.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” she said taking control of the situation. “We’re going to call David and sign an annulment order, then the marriage will be over and it would be like it never existed.” I looked at her and smiled gratefully, what would I do without my mother?

“Okay, thanks mom,” I said hugging her, “But what do I tell him?”

“Let us handle that, all you have to do is make sure no one finds out,” she said with a smile.


So it did come out, the day after. The whole world knew about it, and we tried to do as much damage control as we could. We told tall tales to make the story seem plausible, but really it was all a stupid mistake on a drunken night. We told the papers I wasn’t drunk, so it wouldn’t seem so irresponsible, but in reality we were and we knew it.

Jason took it pretty well, which is surprising, but he didn’t really care. At least one man in my life didn’t give a shit. On the other hand, someone else who knew me very well cared, Justin. And he sent Lance to come talk to me about it.

I was at some hotel and it was January 10th 2004. I was sitting on the bed while Lance sat next to me, giving me advice. Or so he said.

“He’s just worried, we all are,” Lance said placing a hand on my shoulder. “We just want to know what’s going on Brit, you’ve changed a lot.”

“I know Lance,” I said with a sigh and looking at my shoes. “I guess I can say I’m not coping as well as I thought.”

“Yeah I can see that, but that’s no way to excuse you behaviour Brit,” Lance said with a sigh.

“I guess,” I said and Lance shot a look at me.

“You guess? Brit you can’t just guess at these things,” he said and I just nodded knowing I had upset him. “Brit, what’s going on? Tell me the truth.”

“I still love him,” I whispered, and felt tears in my eyes, “I know I shouldn’t but I do. And it doesn’t help with all the spot light that’s been turned on me lately.” Lance sighed and tried to smile.

“I know, but that’s your own undoing Brit,” he replied, “And I know you still love Justin, as he still loves you, but you’re not the same people anymore Brit. You have to move on.”

“I know,” I said with a nod, but deep inside I didn’t know how.

“You guys will always love each other, but move on to bigger and better things. This is not the way Brit,” Lance said with a smile and rubbed my back. “Will you promise me you’ll at least try?”

“Yeah, okay,” I said not wanting to fight; I knew Lance was telling the truth.

“Good,” he said and stood up, pulling me up with him and hugging me. “I should go, but take care of yourself Brit, and if you need anything, anything at all call me or one of the other guys ok?” I looked at him and nodded, knowing that they would be there. But their priority wasn’t me, it was Justin.

“I will, thanks for coming by Lance,” I replied and gave him half a smile. He smiled back, patted me on the shoulder then left. Leaving me alone to face my demons and come to terms with my mistakes.


On March 2nd the Onyx Hotel tour began, and it was hectic. We kicked off in San Diego, with everyone in high spirits and my 55 hour marriage forgotten. I was getting better, not so much doing crazy things I had realized that what I was doing would not get me anywhere.

The dancers we had hired for the tour were hot and amazing, and we’d all become very close. I had especially become close with one in particular, his name was Kevin Federline.

The first time I met Kevin, I thought he was crazy but with a charm to him. And he sort of reminded me of Justin. He used to work for both Nsync as well as for LFO, and I remembered him. I never really paid much attention to who he was, but I remember seeing him around Justin and the guys a lot.

We met at the end of the first leg of the tour in mid-April before we were to kick off the European leg with JC as a supporting act. JC had pestered me to go out with him so we could ‘discuss’ the tour but in the end he ended up leaving the club, called Joseph’s in Hollywood, with his girlfriend.

I remember sitting in the booth and watching people dance around me, when I noticed a guy with hot dance moves. He was ripping it up and I seriously thought he would be a good addition to the tour. So I go one of the body guards to go get him to come talk to me.

When he came over, he at first was a bit star struck I’d say, but after a while he calmed down and we got talking. I realized then and there that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. After Justin and I broke up I thought I would never feel like that again. But here was Kevin, funny and caring and sweet and willing to spend the time on me.

He was married yes, but they were separated. And he had a child with her and she was currently pregnant with their second, but I didn’t care. He would be mine, so to begin with I invited him out on the tour and he agreed. I thought maybe this would be the way to start off the relationship, but I was wrong, way wrong. As April dragged on we became closer and by the time the tour re-started again we had become official and for once I felt whole again.

Chapter 10.
Fly Like a Bird.


January 2004.


I guess you could say that 2004 started out like shit for both Britney and I. I mean she went through the 55 hour marriage with that freak, and I well I had to get embarrassed on national TV.

At first the year went okay, apart from being punched in the face by a fan. In December of 2003 I had been talking to Johnny when the idea came up to do the Super Bowl Halftime show with Janet Jackson and I agreed. During rehearsals for the actual show nothing went wrong, there were no ‘surprises’ nothing, just good old entertainment. But a day before, Janet began to act off.

“J,” Janet said walking up to me minutes before we were supposed to perform.

“Yeah?” I asked her running a hand though my hair as it shook nervously.

“I just wanted to um, how are you?” she asked and I glanced at her strangely.

“I’m okay, you?” I asked her with a raised eyebrow, “Something wrong?”

“No,” she said lightly, “Just wanted to make sure there were no butterflies in that stomach of yours.” She laughed, and I laughed with her, because it was a funny image.

“You know me better than that Jan,” I said with a smile, “I’m fine, no butterflies.” She smiled and hugged me.

“Good,” she whispered in my ear as they announced our names. “I’ll see you out there.” She smiled and gave me a wink before she disappeared, I should have guessed she had something up her sleeve.


“Oh shit,” I repeated about an hour later as I sat in my dressing room with my head in my hands and Trace by my side.

“J, what the fuck?” Trace asked and I just shook my head in shock.

“I don’t know,” I said, “How, what, why?” I was too confused. We had been performing; the routine was going exactly as planned. On one part I had to lay my arm across her chest and PRETEND to rip of her costume. What I didn’t expect was it to actually come off.

“Did you plan that?” Trace asked with a stern voice. I glanced up at him, where he just gave me an icy look.

“What? No man I’m not that dumb,” I said and shook my head. “Why didn’t she tell me? That was like so not good publicity.”

“No shit,” Trace grumbled, I snapped my head up and stared at him. I opened my mouth to say something but didn’t find any words.

“Fuck Trace what am I going to do?” I asked and Trace shrugged.

“I don’t know J,” he replied. “I really don’t know.”


A few days later Johnny and I talked about it, he said that Janet had told him that I didn’t know about the change and that my best bet would be to apologize on national TV, so I did.

I don’t know how many times I apologized, maybe a hundred, heck maybe more. When I finally did apologize for the last time, the organizers for the Grammy’s called me and said okay I could perform at their show. They had talked to Johnny after the incident and told him that they didn’t know if they wanted me to perform or not. But after seeing me apologize my ass off, they finally caved and gave me my spot back. I was happy for that.

The day after I got my spot on the Grammy’s back I got a call from Chris. Yes, he was shocked and in a way impressed but he hadn’t called about that. He called to talk to me about JC; the NFL had canceled his planned performance at the Pro Bowl because of me. I felt my heart drop so fast I don’t remember it falling that fast. I had to call Jayce and repair the damage.

“Jayce?” I asked as I called him right after I hung up on Chris.

“J? Um, how are you dude?” JC asked, I could tell he was tired and had been up worrying about his own career thanks to me.

“I’m sorry dude,” I said instantly, “I didn’t know about it; I didn’t know that they’d take it out on you.”

“Oh so you heard?” JC asked, and he didn’t sound quite so shocked.

“Yeah, C told me,” I muttered and JC sighed.

“Yeah well it ain’t your fault J, don’t beat yourself up over it,” he said with a little laugh.

“I still feel like shit,” I whispered and JC sighed.

“Yeah well don’t, you didn’t know it would happen. They’re just being stuck up about it,” he replied, and I smiled.

“Yeah I guess they are,” I answered, and there was a pause.

“They asked me to do the national anthem instead,” JC said after the pause and I sat up in shock.

“They did? And are you going to do it?” I asked and JC chuckled.

“Fuck no dude,” he replied, “I mean, I’m not good enough to represent myself and perform at the actual half time show but they want me to represent the country? What shit is that?” He had a point.

“Yeah that’s some shit,” I replied with a nod, “Did you tell them that?”

“Fuck yeah,” JC replied, “Carlos told them to fuck off.”

“Damn, Carlos is good. Johnny would never do that, he’d probably try make up shit why I would do it,” I replied with a sigh. JC had refused to take on Johnny as a manger when he’d wanted to venture out of the group and do his solo thing and no one really knew why.

“Yeah but Johnny’s a good guy,” JC replied with a yawn. “He’s just looking out for you he always has.”

“Yeah I know,” I said sniffling my own yawn. “Damn, I see we’re both beat.”

“Yeah man,” JC said laughing, “I’ll let you go. Call me later dude and we can go out for drinks or some shit.”

“Okay yeah, I’ll call you tomorrow and we can arrange something,” I replied yawning louder, I heard JC laugh.

“Okay dude cool. Talk to you later, ciao,” he said, and I nodded trying to keep my eyes open.

“Okay, bye man,” I said and he hung up. After we hung up I felt a lot better, at least I hadn’t let down my best friend, which was a good sign.


On February 8th I went to the Grammy’s and I was nervous as hell. I was nominated for five awards and was asked to perform twice, which I was grateful for especially after the Super Bowl thing.

I was sitting with my mother and was wearing a pick dress shirt and black suit, which I was sweating in from nervousness.

I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes as they announced the nominees for Best Pop Vocal Album. Please God, let me win, I prayed silently. I refused to open my eyes; I was up against some of the greatest musicians ever, one being my good friend Christina.

As I sat there I could feel the blood pumping in my ears so hard that I didn’t hear them call out the winner. I felt a tap on my shoulder and opened up my eyes.

“Justin, open your eyes,” my mom said from next to me, I slowly did so and took a deep breath in.

“Yeah?” I managed to squeak and looked around; everyone’s eyes were on me.

“Dude.” I looked up and saw JC had moved from his seat and was standing in front of me with a huge grin on his face. “You won man.”

“What?” I asked, were my ears deceiving me? Was I hearing things?

“You won, congrats man,” JC said, his grin growing larger. I sat there with my mouth agape. Shit, I had won a Grammy. A Grammy. I felt someone nudge me in the sides.

“J dude, go on, go get your award,” Trace whispered in my ear. I nodded and stood up slowly, as I did so JC grabbed me in a hug.

“I’m proud of you kid,” JC said in my ear.

“Thanks man,” I managed to say, I pulled away from him and got hugs from everyone else. This was unreal. As I made my way towards the stage, I could feel the eyes on me. Everyone was shocked, but probably not as shocked as me. I kept holding my breath, I kept waiting for Ashton to come out and tell me I got Punk’d. But it never happened. As I climbed up onto the stage, I only had one thought in my head.

Things were going to get better, I could feel it. I won two of the awards I was nominated for that night, life was good.