The rain falling against the window was the only sound in the usually noisy house.  Everything else was silent. I sat down at the kitchen table tapping my fingers and waiting, something I seem to do more often than not with him. I looked across the table at our four-year-old son sitting up straight, waiting patiently for his father to come. At four years old he already knows what it feels like to wait all too well.

         "Why don't you go watch television for a little JJ?" I reached my hand out to touch my son, Justin Jr. or JJ as we call him, before running my hand through his curly blonde hair. It's getting quite long and out of control but he looks so adorable I can't bring myself to take him to the hairdresser.  

         "He's not coming huh?" his big blue eyes looked up at me. 

         "Oh, he's coming. I'll call him, all right sweetie? I'll see what's going on, but he'll be here." I assured my son as I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his head. I know this is a normal occurrence for Justin to be late on a Thursday night, the day he's always had to pick up his son. For some reason it seems like he's late every single week. It really gets to me because it's like he doesn't take it seriously. He doesn't understand what a huge impact he has on JJ's life. "You, my dear, need a serious hair cut."

         JJ giggled as he ran off to the television while I grabbed my cell phone from the counter, dialing his number quickly. I took a deep breath when it went right to voicemail, just like it always does when I call. I guess I need to block my number so he can't ignore it anymore. I know what it means when the call goes straight to voicemail.

         "It is 6:55, you were supposed to pick up your son at 6. Are you coming? Because he's sitting here waiting and I'm not going to sit around here and wait for you all night." I slammed my cell phone closed, saving my anger for when I'm actually face to face with him. It's much more fulfilling when he can't just move the phone away from his ear and delete the message.

         I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch pulling JJ on my lap. "Are you hungry?" I asked, running my hands through his hair.

         He shook his head, "Is Daddy coming?"

         "He's just running a little late. How about a snack before Daddy comes and gets you dinner?"

         Shit! I'm running so fucking late. I swear to god it's like every time there's a little bit of rain the whole state forgets how to drive. I know it doesn't rain a lot here but for fucks sake people, learn to drive! I'm swerving in and out of lanes, trying to get home before 7:15. Home as in where Kendall and JJ live, it's not my home anymore. It was my home, I bought the house with my own money and even lived in it for two fucking years before I even met Ken, but still, it's not my house anymore. It's her house.         

I pulled into the driveway of my house, walked up my stairs and knocked on my front door.  I'm still not sure if she changed the locks, the topic had never really been discussed, but I can't pull himself to try the key and have it not work. That would make it real.  I do still have the key though; I'm not exactly ready to take it off my key chain.

         Kendall answered the door with her arms crossed. She was not impressed. She never was impressed with my bullshit and was the first one in my life to let him know it. She never put up with my shit. I laughed to myself when I think about how that simple trait was one of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place and now it's the main thing I loathe about her.  

"Hey," I forced a half smile as he spoke but received no answer. Kendall didn't speak or even acknowledge my presence, "What's up?" she continued giving me that look that she so famously gives me and only me. "Can I have my son?" I hate this awkward shit almost as much as I hate her being so damn bitchy.

         "Daddy!" I heard JJ scream as he ran past Kendall and into my arms. There's this crazy feeling a father gets when your son runs into your arms. I can't explain it, it's something only a father understands, but damn it's a good feeling.

         "JJ get inside, it's raining," Kendall spoke for the first time. He went back in the house quickly, leaving me to be the only one standing out in the rain.

         "Can I come in?"

         Kendall moved to the side so I could walk in. It really kills me that I need to ask permission to enter my own house. "Wipe your feet please, I just washed the floor."

         I walked back to the doormat and wiped my feet, looking around the house that used to be mine. It seems to change every week I come to get my son.  I'm not sure if it's really changing or it's just the fact that it's not mine anymore. It seems less like home every week.  The lesson learned is to always sign a pre-nup. But I know it could have been much worse... I could have married a gold-digger. Although at times I think Kendall is crazy, I know I'm lucky lucky. She was never one to try and take advantage of the situation. She did not want anything but to keep our son happy and make life as easy as possible for everyone.  But then again, she never has to work another day in her life. It's not that she just sits home all day. She's watching JJ and working on charity.  That's what she did when we were married so I don't see a real need to make her go out and find a real job. I still need someone to deal with the charity and the paperwork. Plus she's working with my mother and they always did get along great. I don't want some stranger to come in and work on that stuff. It's too important.

         "Daddy look, I made you a picture." I picked JJ up and grabbed onto the picture.

         "That's a good picture man, you did that by yourself?" JJ smiled and nodded his head, "Good job, you're an artist."

         He giggled, "Mommy said I was a artist too."

         "You are sweetie," Kendall said with a smile, "Can you go upstairs for a minute so I can talk to your Daddy?"

         Your Daddy. I don't know when it was that I became "your daddy" instead of just Daddy. I placed my son down, even though I wish he would stay. I know Kendall would never yell at me in front of the kid so it would be much safer for me if JJ stayed. I looked at her carefully, hoping maybe she wouldn't even yell. She doesn't seem as upset as she usually is when I'm late. It's not like I do it on purpose, I'm busy.

As soon as JJ left she folded her arms over her chest again and gave me that damn look. If only I could rip that look off her face and get rid of it forever. I sat down on the couch, "What's up?"

         "What's up?" She repeated before biting at her bottom lip, that always means that the shit is about to hit the fan, "You're an hour and fifteen minutes late."

         It's always the same argument with her, "There was traffic."

         "Oh, an hour and fifteen minutes of traffic for two miles?"

         "I got stuck at work Ken, what do you want me to do?"

         "Pick up the phone maybe."

         I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my brown curly hair, "I didn't know there would be traffic. I got caught at an interview, do you want me to just leave in the middle of it?"

         "When you're supposed to meet your son you could excuse yourself for a minute to call and let us know."

         "Do you have a big date or something I'm making you late for?" She does look hot, she always looks hot but she looks extra hot today.

         "Oh fuck you," she said in a loud whisper, she doesn't want JJ to hear and will do whatever it takes so he doesn't, "You know damn well I am not this pissed because I have something else to do."

         "Then why are you so pissed Kendall?"

         "Because while you're out with your bimbos I'm here with your son. And he asks me where you are and what do you want me to tell him Justin? Since I have no idea where the fuck you are."

         "You tell him that his Daddy has to work so his mommy can continue living the good life."

         She took a deep breath, now she's seething, "Your son feels abandoned."

         "He does not feel abandoned. Relax, you're so dramatic."

         "You don't know because you're never fucking around.  Every damn Thursday night you say you're going to be here at six and every damn week it's at least seven before you get here. And every fucking week your son thinks that you're not coming."

         "I always come."

         "You don't always come" she shouted and caught herself, "You come late, or you come the next morning when it fits your schedule. You're on your way here and god forbid one of your little whores calls and forget it, you'll have to come get your son the next day."

         "I have never once not picked him up because of that and I don't appreciate you assuming that I'm with numerous females in front of him." We know how to press each other's buttons and that's always dangerous. But I'll be damned if she thinks I'm exposing him to that shit.

         "He is four years old, and he still thinks that you're the coolest person in the world. He's growing up and that unconditional love that he has for you is going to go away. He's going to hate you Justin. It's three days a week, act like a father and take responsibility for once in your life."

         With that she walked away leaving me alone on the couch to really let what she said sink in. She's being dramatic, like always. She never used to be dramatic, she used to be laidback but something happened and that quality is long gone.  I stood up and looked at the pictures over the fireplace. There is only one picture. Hidden in the back that I'm in. There used to be pictures of the three of us all over the house.  Those pictures of the happy family have since disappeared, ever since the divorce. He feel like every time I go in the house there's one less reminder that I ever existed.

         JJ came running towards me and jumped up in my arms.  I held my son tightly, realizing how good it is to see him. I really do miss this kid; I hate not being able to see him every day more than anything. "Are you ready?" he answered by nodding his head and smiling brightly.

         "Come here babe," Kendall said as she pulled him from my arms, "Just make sure that you have him back on Sunday by three because he has a soccer game."

         "I will," I nodded his head.

         "And make sure he takes his medicine in the morning because he's been getting the sniffles." I took a deep breath; she acts like I've never taken my own son before. She gets so overprotective it's ridiculous. "Justin."

         "I know Ken."

         "Alright. Let's get your raincoat on," she put him down and pulled his raincoat on, complete with hood and rain boots as if we were going out in a fucking monsoon, "Be good for your daddy."

         "Bye Mommy."

         "I'll see you later. I love you darling." There were certain moments where she reminds me of my mother. Every Thursday, right as I'm about to leave with JJ she said the same thing, "I love you darling," complete with her Tennessee accent and that was one of those moments. I used to love how similar they are, but it really fucking annoys me now.

         Kendall stood at the door and waved at JJ before closing the door at the risk of looking too pathetic. She always closes it and then runs to peak out the curtain. She thinks she's being slick and I can't see her, but I can. If we were still married I'd tease her about it endlessly but now I just let it go. It is kind of cute.

         I absolutely hate this moment; the moment Justin takes JJ away. I stand at the door for a little but then sneak into the living room to look out the window and watch them leave. I hate being away from him. It really bothers me. It's not like I'm worried, I know Justin is an amazing father. He was a horrible husband but he's a wonderful father... once he actually picks the little one

My cell phone rang and a part of me thought it was Justin calling to say something came up and he had to bring JJ home. Part of me wished it was, so I wouldn't have to spend the night alone. "Hello?"

         "Hellllo darling," it was not Justin but Kaylee, my younger sister.

         "Hey Kay."

         "Did he come?"

         "Yeah, an hour and fifteen minutes late, but he came."

         "Good, at least he came.  So what are we doing tonight?"

         I looked over at the clock to see that it's already 7:30.  I would say the night was already over, "Going to sleep?"

         "No," she laughed, "Let's go out. You have the night without the little one and nothing to do tomorrow. Let's go out somewhere."

         "Like where? We could go see a movie," I suggested, even though I know that's not what she has in mind. I don't feel like doing much of anything, except maybe watching a movie, preferably in my own house sitting on the most comfortable chair and a half ever made.

         "Yeah, we could go see a movie.  But the problem would be that there are not too many men to be met at the latest chick flick."

         "Oh, we're going to meet men are we?"

         "Obviously. Kendall seriously, it's time for you to find a man."

         I took a deep breath, "I really am not in the mood to go find a man Kay."

         "Just like you haven't been in the mood for the past year. You have to move on with your life darling. You know Justin has moved on with his life."

         I twirled my blonde hair and bit at my lip.  I know Justin has moved on, in fact I know he moved on rather quickly with numerous bimbos and groupies. But just because he is ready doesn't mean I have to be. I'll never understand why my sister worries so much. I don't need a man to take care of me, they're more trouble then they're worth. I'm completely fine without one. The only boy I need is my son. "It's Thursday night."

         "And?"

         "And the only BOYS that will be out are college boys."

         "So. We can go for the younger boys," she said with a laugh, "Sweetie you really need to go out. One drink."

         "Fine, one drink. But if I feel completely out of my element and want to go home you have to let me go home."

         "OK, after the one drink if you want to go home we will go home."

         "Alright, fine."

         "Fine," she laughed, "I'm coming in a half an hour, go get hot."

         "I am hot."

         "Oh, that's right.  It's Thursday, Justin came, of course you're hot."

         "Bye Kay." I rolled my eyes and threw the phone on the couch. I guess I have to get ready.

~*~*~*~*~

         "Daddy listen, I can go up to ten. Ready?"

         "Ready, let me hear it."

         "OK, 1 2 3 4 5... 6 7 8 9 10"

         "Whoa, look at that. You're a counting machine."

         He giggled, "I can do it backwards."

         "No way."

         "Yeah huh, ready?"

         "Ready."

         "OK, OK. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 BLASTOFF!!!!!"

         "Oh man, you're amazing," I laughed as I opened the door and let him out of his car seat, "You can count forwards, you can count backwards, can you count sideways?"

         "You can't count sideways silly."

         "Of course you can, ready?" I picked JJ up and held him sideways, "Go ahead."

         "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10" he managed to get out between fits of laughter.

         "There you go, now you can tell your Mommy all about it." I figure I should call her "your Mommy" since I'm was always "your Daddy".  JJ ran to the door as soon as I put him down. My two boxers are going crazy inside and JJ is going crazy trying to get inside. The little one misses those dogs more than he misses me half the time. "You're excited huh?"

         "Open it Daddy! Open it!"

         "Alright," I laughed as I opened the door and let my son run inside, "Mommy needs to get you a dog... Your Mommy," I corrected myself. JJ didn't hear me, not that he would have cared if he did, he's too busy running inside and playing with the dogs.  "Did you eat yet?" I feel like I'm talking to a wall when the dogs are here. "J, hello?" I picked him up and threw him on the couch, "Did you eat dinner yet?"

         "I'm not hungry Daddy, I just wanna play with Bailey"

         "OK, you can play. But did you eat dinner?"

         "No," he managed to squeeze past me so he could play tag with the dogs.

         "What do you want to eat?" he's still was not listening. I might as well be waiting to get an answer from the dogs, I put the dogs outside so I ca get this kid to answer.

         "Daddy, I was playin"

         "I know man, but we gotta eat. Come on."

~*~*~*~

         "This is like the dumbest idea ever."

         Kay looked over at me and smiled, "We're getting a drink, will you relax?"

         "I haven't been out to a bar in..."

         "Ever?" Kaylee laughed, "What happened to you? You used to be cool Ken, we used to go to bars all the time and guys would come up to us begging to buy us drinks. That's even how you met-" she paused when she realized what she was saying, "Is that why you don't like going?"

         "No, please. So what if I met Justin at a bar?  I was also 21, I don't do a lot of things I did when I was 21."

         "Yeah, like have fun," she laughed.

          "I have lots of fun." I answered softly.

         "Fun that doesn't include hide and go seek."

         I took a deep breath before getting out of the car. I'm extremely nervous, but I'm not really sure why. I looked up at the sign reading "Duffy's" and felt my heart beat in my throat. Duffy's has too many memories.

         "I'll have a nice cold Sam and the lady will have a tequila sunrise with an extra cherry," Justin held onto my hand as he looked up into my eyes and smiled.

         "No," I laughed, wrapping her arms around his waist,  "I don't want that. Would you listen to me? I've been trying to talk to you since you got home. You've been gone for two weeks and you come in and you take me to Duffy's and I need to talk to you Baby," I placed a hand on each of his cheeks, "I need to talk to you."

         Justin smiled, moving my hands off his cheeks and kissing me passionately, before pointing a finger in my face, "That is not true. I came in, then I fucked you, and then I took you to Duffy's."

         "Justin!" I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away while laughing, "We are in public. Stop."

         His arms were still around my waist; he pulled me so close I could feel his heartbeat. "You are my wife, everyone knows we fuck."

         "Why do you have to call it fucking?"

         "Making love, excuse me," he answered with a crooked smile, "You've got your sequencing screwed up sweetie, I'm just trying to help."

         Il threw my head back and placed my hands on his shoulders, "Would you shut up and listen to me? I need you to listen to me, I need to talk to you."

         "Then talk to me," he mimicked my movement placing his hands on my shoulders.

         "I can't talk to you here, it's too loud."

         "You want to leave?" I nodded my head and Justin shook his, "We just got here. The guys are going to be here any minute."

         "Justin!" I shouted, "Don't make me stomp my feet and pout like a two year old."

         He laughed, wrapping a hand around my waist and grabbing his beer with the other, "Why couldn't you tell me on the drive here?"

         "Because you were too busy telling me about how cool it was that Michael Jordan came to your show."

         "It was amazing babe, Michael Jordan."

         "I know!" I threw my head back, not ready to get into the conversation with him again, "I know it's a big deal Justin, and I'm really happy for you. But I still need to talk to you."

         Justin smiled at me crookedly, took a long swig of his beer and then threw me over his shoulder. He brought me outside and placed me on the stonewall in front of Duffy's. "Quiet enough darling? Talk."

         I took a deep breath and played with his fingers. He cleared his throat so I would get to it and I moved him so he was looking right at me so I could see his reaction when I told him. I took a deep breath in and bit at my lip before speaking, "I'm pregnant." I laughed and cried at the same time as I continued, placing his hand on her stomach, "I'm having a baby. We're going to be parents."

         "What?" Justin laughed and cried at the same time as well, "Are you serious?"

         I nodded her head, "A baby! Can you believe it? A baby! You're going to be a Daddy!"

         "A baby? Are you fucking kidding me? There's a fucking kid in your stomach. Why didn't you tell me?" Justin always swears when he's excited, it was as if he couldn't control the words coming out of his mouth.

         "You wouldn't shut up!" I laughed as I jumped on the ground and pulled my shirt up to look at my stomach.

         "Then you make me fucking shut up. A baby, holy shit."

         "A baby. Our baby."

         Justin laughed, standing between my legs. His hand never left my stomach for the rest of the night. "Our fucking kid. This kid is going to pop out of you and be half me and half you. Our fucking baby Ken."

         "I know, crazy right?"

         "Fucking insane," he laughed, kissing me stronger and more passionately than he ever had before. He picked me up in his arms and twirled me around, "We're having a fucking baby!"  He brought me to his car and placed me in the passenger's seat, kissing me once again, "I fucking love you so much Ken."

         "I love you too."

         "Screw those fools, we're going home." He shut the door and ran to the drivers seat, returning his hand to my stomach the second he got in, "Dude, I just felt it kicking."

         I laughed and shook my head, "You did not, shut up."

         He smiled as he looked in my eyes, "I felt something Ken."

         "Probably my stomach growling, I'm hungry."

         "Yeah, you're always going to be hungry now. We might need to take out a mortgage so we can afford it all." I slapped his leg and laughed, "Did you tell your mother?"

         "Not yet."

         "What?" he almost drove right through a red light he was in such shock.

         "I wanted you to be the first to know."

         "How long have you known?"

         "Two weeks."

         "Fuck Ken," he laughed.

         "I know! And you thought I was bad at keeping secrets. I'm kind of amazing." I placed my hand on his lap. "Admit it, you're impressed."

         "I am impressed. You are amazing. I can't wait! I have to call my mother, she's going to go fucking crazy."

         "No, you can't. You can't just tell her over the phone Justin, we have to have them up, they're coming in a month."

         "Fuck that! I can not wait that long," Il knew before I even told him that he would never be able to keep something like this from his mother. Especially since he's so close to her and she told me the first day she saw me after we got engaged that it's never too early to start working on making her some grandbabies.

         "Then don't talk to her. I'll call our parents and tell them to come up Monday. And you cannot talk to your mother until then! I'm serious Justin!"

         "So serious," he smiled before licking his lips the way that made me want to just jump on top of him. "What do you want? Wendy's? Taco Bell? White Castle?"

         I leaned closer to him, wishing he had a car with one big bench as a front seat, "Taco Bell," I kissed his neck, "And don't change the subject. You can not talk to your mother."

         He stopped at a red light and looked me in the eye, "Would you listen to yourself? You're about to be a mother yourself and you're telling me not to talk to mine."

         I slapped his leg and laughed, "You know damn well if you talk to her it's going to somehow come out. And we cannot tell her on the phone. If she finds out before my mother it will be the end of it, she'll call my mother and they'll be driving themselves crazy trying to get here by the morning. We'll have them come up Monday and we'll tell them in person, together. Then everyone can jump around screaming at the same time and we'll get it over with once."

         "I like the way you think. I hope our kid gets it's brains from you."

         "Me too. If it gets its brains from you we're all screwed," I laughed and grabbed onto his hand.

         He nodded his head, bringing my and to his lips,  "It's true."

         What is it with Justin and his issue with time? I swear I've been pacing around this damn kitchen for the past twenty minutes. He knows damn well that JJ has to be home by three every single Sunday because he has to be at the soccer field by 3:30 for his 4:00 game. He's always so damn late picking JJ up and then he thinks he should get more time with him so he doesn't drop him off so he gets the full time down to the minute with him. I hate when Justin is so late, he used to be able to keep a schedule. Now it's like he does whatever he wants to do because the world revolves around him. I always get scared something happened and the car crashed somewhere.

         My cell phone rang and I ran across the kitchen to get it, "Hello?"

         "Hey, Ken don't kill me."

         "What happened?" I screamed, "Is he ok? What happened?"

         "He's fine, relax. I'm running a little late."

         "Yeah, obviously." Why would he start off like that? To give me a heart attack. I can hear my heart beating in my chest.  "Are you sure he's ok?"

         "Yeah, he fine. Sorry I just, we lost track of time. We were swimming. I didn't have a clock."     

         "OK, but he's going to be late to his game now."

         "I'll take him right to the field."

         "That'd be great, except I have his uniform and cleats here." Justin never thinks things through. He always thinks that everyone should rearrange their plans to suit his schedule, whether he wants to change his days with JJ because he has a party to go to or he misses JJ's birthday party because he has a last minute interview.

         Justin took a deep breath, "Come on Ken, give me a break. We were swimming. You can't meet us there with the uniform?"

         "Alright, where are you?"

         "We're just leaving. We'll see you at the field, thanks Ken." Justin hung up the phone before I could say anything else. I'm meeting them at the field because I don't want JJ to miss his game. It's definitely not for Justin. I don't know how I'm supposed to get the point across because I always end up giving in.  I grabbed JJ's uniform and placed an extra bottle of water in the cooler before fixing my hair on the way out. Sometimes Justin is just so irresponsible. For his whole life he's had someone telling him exactly what to do and when to do it that when he's on his own he's completely clueless that other people have shit to do too.

         I pulled into the parking lot at the field ten minutes later, waiting patiently for Justin and JJ to get there. His black BMW pulled into the spot next to me a minute later. I jumped out of the car and helped JJ out of the back seat, and helped him get changed. "How are you doing hunny? I missed you. Did you have fun?"

         "Yeah, we went swimming and Daddy said next time we can go camping, in a real tent and everything!"

         "Wow, that's pretty cool isn't it?" I smiled as I finished changing him into his uniform. I miss him so much when he's gone. Those three days always seem like three months. "Alright sweetie, go ahead out there, you're late."

         "Are you gonna stay and watch me Daddy?"

         "Yeah, of course man, I'll be there."

         I admit I was a little surprised that Justin was able to take time out of his schedule to actually watch our son play soccer. I can't remember the last time he went to a game, or if he ever even has. "I have an extra chair if you need one," I said quietly as I grabbed the cooler from the backseat.

         "Yeah, thanks I'll get them," he opened the trunk and grabbed both chairs, "So this is an exciting game huh?"

         Ken smiled as we walked to the field, "Yeah, it's actually quite humorous. They're adorable. But I'm warning you now; number 14 tries to steal the ball from everyone, including his own teammates. So don't get upset if he steals it from JJ."

         "Alright, I'll try not to jump up and push the kid away," I laughed as I put the chairs out, "Is he any good?"

         "Of course, he's the best on the team," she smiled. It's weird to see her smile so much; I haven't seen that smile in a long time.  I know damn well that her opinion has to be a little one-sided. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid more than life but I know there was no possible way he's the best on the team. We were just playing catch yesterday and he threw the ball backwards. "How was he for you?"

         "Good," I nodded my head, "He's always good."

         "Yeah, we got lucky. Thanks for bringing the chair out," she said before sitting down in the lawn chair.

         I think this is the first time I've ever been to one of JJ's games. I'm sure Ken is a little surprised that I'm staying but it's not like I have anywhere else to be. It's not that I never wanted to go to his games, of course I want to see my kid play, but I've had a lot to do. I know she thinks I make excuses but she knows how much I work. 

         "So, how have you been Ken?" Justin looked over at my wife... ex-wife. I'm still having a hard time grasping that. I do miss her; I'll admit it... at least to myself. I still get worried about her. We've had a tough year.

         "Fine," she answered softly.

         "Fine? That's it?" Kendall nodded her head, "How's your sister?"

         "She's good. We went out Thursday."

         "Oh yeah? Where'd you guys go?"

         Kendall looked at me carefully before she responded. "We just got a drink...at... Duffy's" she finished softly.

         I cleared my throat and looked at the ground, unable to look at her when even the name of the bar was mentioned.  We have too many memories at Duffy's, that's our place. I don't know why the fuck she'd want to go back there without me. "You went to Duffy's?" I looked at her and asked the question. Shit, that sounded sad, I wish I could hide the damn sadness in my voice.

         She nodded her head while she bit at her bottom lip, her eyes filling with water but she did not cry.

~*~*~*~*~

         It was an abnormally cold night outside Santa Monica, California when I found myself playing pool with my buddy Trace at a quiet bar called Duffy's. I was sick of the whole "Hollywood Scene" and was surprised to find a quiet bar where no one even gave me a second look. The thing that put the bar over the top was Kendall. I saw her there the first night I went and even though it took me a month to gain the courage to actually talk to her, she was the real reason I came back every week.

         There was a light around Kendall from that first night. She was always surrounded by a group of people laughing and having a good time. I knew she wasn't the kind of girl that would be impressed with my name or my resume. I knew I'd have to win her over.

         I sat down at a high top waiting for my next turn in pool or more importantly watching Kendall closely. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

         "Dude, just go talk to her," Trace said before sitting down next to me.

         I shook my head as I took a sip from my beer, "I can't just go talk to her. There are twenty people around her."

         "And?"

         I stood up and made my way to the pool table, "And... what? I'm supposed to just go up to her while she's talking?"

         Trace laughed and ran his hands through his hair. "What is this your first time picking up a girl? You go up to her, ask her if she's tired because she's been running through your mind for the last FUCKING month. Just go, I'm so sick of hearing about this girl when you don't even know her name. She's getting a drink, go get a fucking drink."

         I took a deep breath before nervously walking towards the bar. I didn't know what it was about her that made me so nervous, I've never been scared to go and talk to a girl before. But there was something different about this girl. I stood right next to Kendall at the bar for a minute as I tried to figure out what to say.

          "Doesn't that guy over there look like Ed Asner? Not now but old school, a young Ed Asner."  I couldn't believe the words that had left my mouth. Did I really mention Ed Asner in a pickup line directed at the girl I've literally been unable to get out of my mind for the past month?

         She looked over at me with pure confusion and then looked away, "Where?"

         I couldn't hide the smile, I was so happy I got a response and she was actually talking to me. "Over there, see him? At the table with the guy that looks like Big Pun."

         She laughed, "It does look like him.  I love Ed Asner, The Animal is like my favorite movie ever."

         "Really? The Animal is your favorite movie?"

         "I know, embarrassing right?" she laughed and I joined in, immediately understanding the reason why there was always a crowd of people around her.  "It's funny."

         "I've never seen it." 

         "Then don't knock it."

         "I won't," I held up my hands in defeat, "Where in Tennessee are you from?"

         She gave me that confused look again, "How do you know I'm from Tennessee?"

         "The accent, it's pretty obvious."

         "No way, I lost it a lot." Kendall said as if she was proving it to herself.

         "It's still there, I can pick it out. I'm from Millington."

         "Oh my gosh, you are.  When you said Millington it came out," she laughed, "I'm from Arlington."

         "Are-lyn-tiiin?" I mimicked the way she said it, which also happens to be the way everyone in Arlington says it.

         She laughed, "I don't say that,"

         "You definitely said that." I smiled trying to think of something else to say as the drink came, "I got it."

         "Oh, you don't have to. Thank you." She grabbed her drink and offered a sweet smile. It was at that moment that I knew I was going to fall for her. I had a mini panic attack wondering how I'd get through my life if she were to just walk away. I couldn't let her go.

         "No problem, how long have you been out here for?"

         "Three years, well this is my fourth."

         "Are you in school?" she nodded her head, "UCLA?"

         "Uh no, don't assume. USC."

         "Sorry," I chuckled "That's your rival huh? You're my rival Miss Are-lyn-tiiin. We shouldn't be talking."

         "I know, but I'm just excited there's someone else around here from Shelby. Do you go home a lot?"

         I shrugged, "A couple times a year, not that much. Do you get homesick?"

         "Sometimes. You have no idea how much I miss Corky's BBQ. It's unbelievable. I go home and that's the first stop I make. Seriously, I go there before I go to visit my Granny and Gramps. How sad is that?" Kendall finished with a laugh as she took a sip of her Tequila Sunrise.

         "Nah," I laughed, "That's nothing. I stop by at Barb-A-Rosa's and get me a big plate of pulled pork AND an order of ribs and a big ‘ol glass of sweet tea and eat it all on the drive to my house."

         Kendall laughed as she placed a hand on my arm, "I love Barb-A-Rosa's! They have the best sweet tea I've ever had. That's such a good idea to go there and just eat it on the way home. Corky's you have to actually sit down and shit."

         I nodded my head with a smile, "I've been doing this a long time, I got it down to a science."

         "That's so awesome. I'm so glad I met you and you're from back home. Nobody out here understands my need for BBQ. My roommate brought me to Smoky Bones the other day and she seriously tried to pass that shit off as good BBQ."

         "Nah. There's actually a place up in Mission Hills that's not half bad," I answered quietly, trying to think of a way to ensure I'd see her again. In any other situation I'd just ask her out or at least get her number but for some reason Kendall made me far too nervous to just come out and ask. I needed time to ease into it.

         "Kendall you're up, let's go." I know I threw my head down when one of her friends called over.  I wished the kid would see she was busy and move on with his life but he didn't.

         "Looks like I have to go," she smiled. I wished she would just tell the kid to go fuck himself so she could stay and talk to me. "It was nice meeting you, thanks for the drink."

          "What's your name?"

         "Oh sorry, Kendall" she smiled holding out her hand.

         "Justin." I grabbed onto her hand and felt an instant spark. I've never felt something like that from the first touch before, and I never have since.

         "Well thanks Justin, I'll see you later."

         I grabbed my beer and walked back to my buddies feeling defeated. I thought we seemed to get along well and I obviously felt the spark from the beginning but she did leave after a two-minute conversation to go back to her friends and play pool. But they did have a lot in common, and the fact that she's from Arlington seemed to put it over the edge. I knew I'd still be coming back next week and I'd find a way to take her to Mission Hills for some BBQ.

         "Is she perfect?" Trace asked with a chuckle when I went back to the table.

         "She's from Arlington."

         I couldn't believe that I actually let Kendall leave that night without even getting her number. The next week I spent thinking about Kendall and cursing myself for letting her leave, afraid I'd never see her again. That Friday, I found himself sitting at the bar alone waiting for her to come in. I let out a sigh of relief when she walked in with her usual crew and watched her. It was hard for me to imagine ever having a chance with her. I wondered what it was about this girl that made me feel like a nerd in middle school going after the head cheerleader. I'm Justin Timberlake, world famous musician, not an awkward nerd. Why was this girl making me feel like one?

         I turned my back to the bar and took another sip of my beer trying to figure out a way to pump myself up enough to just go over to her and start talking. It wouldn't be that hard; I've done it a million times to more intimidating people. But the truth is for some reason she was way more intimidating to me than any celebrity I've ever met.

         "He's not here tonight."

         I looked to the right and saw Kendall sitting down next to me. "Who?"

         "Ed Asner, he's here every week. I'm kind of worried, " she answered with a smile.

         "Nah, he's probably just at a premier or something."

         She laughed, "I'm sorry I left last week. I mean, you bought me a drink and I left and didn't even say thank you."

         "You did say thank you."

         She looked at me for a second before asking, "I did?"

         "Yeah, many times," I laughed, "It's cool." I felt like she was sitting there talking to him because she felt bad and I didn't need a charity friend.

         "Well thanks again."

         "Your welcome, again."

         "So... do you come here a lot?"

         "Yeah," I nodded my head, realizing for the first time that the way I was acting wasn't exactly going to ensure a date with her. "It's nice and quiet, I like it here."

         "Nice and quiet, just don't use the bathrooms," she laughed, "So you have to tell me about this BBQ place in Mission Hills."

         "I'll take you there sometime, it's pretty good."

         Kendall smiled and played with the straw in her drink, "OK but you have to seriously do it and not just say that because I really need to go."

         I laughed, "You need to go huh?"

         She nodded her head, "You have no idea."

         "Well let's do it then, let's make plans. When are you free?"

         "Umm..." Kendall bit at her bottom lip as she thought of what to say. She was playing hard to get, although I later found out she didn't have plans all weekend but didn't want to seem too eager. She told me years later that she couldn't get me out of her mind that whole week and she was worried that I didn't chase after her when she left me to go play pool. O didn't believe her then and I sure as hell don't believe her now. I've always been more into her than she was into me.

         "Do you need to get out your schedule?" I asked with a chuckle.

         "No," Kendall giggled, "I could do it tomorrow or... next week."

         "Tomorrow works for me. Let me get your number."

         We spent the rest of the night together at the bar and then the next day in Mission Hills. In fact, from that point on we spent just about every moment possible with each other.

~*~*~*~

         JJ came running into my arms after the game was over. I was quite surprised he came to me first. He is a definite Mama's boy, just like I am. "Did you see me Daddy? I almost got it in the basket!"

         It worries me a little that he still thinks the net is called a basket, especially since he's been playing for a whole season. I guess it's safe to say my dreams of my son being a professional athlete are shot to shit. "Yeah man, I saw you. Good job," we'll pretend that he almost got the ball in the right net, instead of his own net, which is what he really did.

         "You were amazing, good job sweetie!" Kendall said as he ran into her arms. She's never been much of a sports fan either, so it wouldn't surprise me if she thought he almost got a goal too. She has always been a good cheerleader though; I'll give her that. Any time I had a show or I was up for an award she was always right there cheering like I won the lottery. She's like that with JJ too, not that I'm surprised. It's just good to see her smiling again.  

         "So what's the usual post game celebration? How about some pizza?" I saw JJ's face light up but then made the mistake of looking at Ken, she doesn't look as excited.

         "Yeah! Can we Mommy? I'm starving!"

         "I don't think that's such a good idea Justin," she answered. I never knew pizza could be a bad idea.

         "It's just pizza."

         "Yeah Mommy, it's just pizza," JJ repeated. It seems that any time he repeats what I say is when we get in trouble. I don't understand why it's such a bad idea to go get some pizza together. We are still a family; sure maybe we're not together but we were having a good day. We're still civil and for fucks sake we have a son. He should be able to go to dinner with both his parents once in a year.

         "I know but I already have some chicken thawing out and it won't be good if we don't eat it tonight."

         Sure, that's the problem. We can't let a little chicken go to waste. I know that the chicken won't go bad, not even to mention how I doubt the world would stop if she did let the chicken go bad.

         "It's fine," I answered as I picked up JJ in my arms. I'm not going to beg her to get a damn pizza. She has her moments too. I know she tries to turn everything on me but she has her moments too. "I'll see you on Thursday, alright buddy?"

         "Alright buddy!" he giggled, damn I love this kid so much. I hate having to let him go. I really wish there were an easier way. "I miss you Daddy. I wish you could come home with us."

         My gaze fell to Kendall automatically. I didn't mean to, it was just a reaction. It's not like I purposely looked at her because she's the one that won't let me come home. It's so far beyond that now. The divorce is final. It's just not going to happen.

         "Alright," Ken answered as I placed JJ down and grabbed onto the chairs and coolers, "It's time to go. You'll see your daddy before you know it."

         "Yeah," I agreed, "Thursday is coming soon."

         "Maybe if he's not too busy he'll even be able to come to your game again next week."

         I don't know if that was a dig or not. Usually she says I'm too busy to spend time with my son, even though we all know that's not true. But this time it's different, I don't think she meant it as a dig.

         "You should try," she continued after helping JJ in the car and closing the door, "It was nice having you there. I mean, it really means a lot to him."

         I nodded my head, "Yeah. I'll see you Thursday."

         “JJ you need to make sure you stay with me until we find your Daddy, alright?” I said as I fixed his hair in the back of a car on the way to the golf course. Today is Justin’s annual golf charity in Las Vegas. Since I still work with his charity I’m here as well. The charity is for kids so this year we decided to have the kids tag along, hence the reason why JJ is here ready to go in his full out golf gear. He looks adorable. I know this should be interesting for Justin, especially since he’s been trying to get JJ into golf pretty much since he was in the womb. I just hope he’s able to control himself since I’m sure JJ won’t be good, based purely on his lack of soccer talent.

         “I’m gonna. You know what? Daddy took me once to play with the golf. I got the ball and I put it right in the hole, it was easy Mommy.”

         “It was easy? Daddy tries so hard to get the ball in and you thought it was easy?”

         “Uh huh,” he giggled, “Cause Daddy hits it with the stick. I just pick it up and put it in. It’s so easy that way, ya’know?”

         “You’re right, it sure does seem like it’s much easier that way,” I laughed as the car stopped at the course. “Remember to be really good today, ok? Because Daddy’s really working, I know it seems like we’re all having fun but he is working.”

         “I know Mama, cause Daddy has a fun job so sometimes it doesn’t seem like he’s working but he really is.”

         “I don’t even have to tell you anything, you already know everything.”

         JJ giggled and grabbed onto my hand as we walked to the course. “That’s cause I’m so smart. When is Daddy coming?”

         “He should be here soon.” I assured him. Justin won’t be late for this because it has to do with his work and everyone will make sure he’s here on time. If it were half as late for his work things than he is picking up JJ he’d probably be on Where Are They Now instead of the cover of Rolling Stone.

         “Next year we need to do the charity somewhere where it’s not a hundred degrees.” I said as we drove from the airport to the golf course. I didn’t even get to go to the hotel first, it’s straight there. I hate feeling rushed and I sure as hell feel rushed right now. It doesn’t help that it’s so fucking hot and humid; we’re in the dessert it’s not supposed to be humid.

         “Vegas is a dessert J, obviously it’s going to be hot. You should be happy you’re going to get a bottle of water,” Rachel, my cousin slash “assistant,” said. I put that in quotes because she doesn’t do too much to assist me. It’s not that she’s lazy it’s that I don’t need someone to wipe my ass. I’d rather just refer to her as my cousin; it makes me feel less Hollywood.

         “Thanks for that insight Rach, I knew I kept you around for something.” I threw an empty water bottle at her as we pulled into the parking lot, “Ken’s here, right?”

         “Yeah, obviously, with the little one.”

         “Is Kaylee coming?”

         “Nope, she’s working.” I know I let out a sigh of relief with that. It’s not that I don’t like Kendall’s sister; it’s just that she’s so protective of her. I guess she has the right to be, I did do Kendal wrong. But I think Kaylee takes it’s a little far. Plus it doesn’t help that she’s also Rachel’s best friend. They’ve been friends since they were kids. They went to grade school together and then I guess went to different schools. I can’t keep track, all I know is whenever Kaylee and Rachel are together there’s a lot of giggling and shouting. It’s weird that Kaylee brings that out in Rach, she was always such a tomboy.

         “Too bad,” I don’t think that sounded sarcastic. I didn’t mean it to. Rachel would have liked Kaylee to come, so in that sense it is a shame.

         “Daddy!” he must have seen me from afar because I didn’t even notice my son yet. He comes running at me like I’m a superstar. There is no feeling like that.

         “What’s up man?” I asked as I picked him up to hug him before I put him back down and Kendall came jogging over to us. She looks gorgeous, although she always does. I always thought she looked her sexiest when she’s wearing a pair of sweats, well besides when she’s wearing my shirt. I just feel like she did something to look extra gorgeous today. She’s only wearing a pair of kaki Capri pants and a blue tank top but damn.

         “Oh gosh, he just like runs off. Had me scared to death.” Ken said all flustered. She’s really over protective with him. Obviously he was running to me, I was a few feet away, it’s not that big of a deal.

         “You can’t run away from your mother like that J. You have to wait for her. There’s a lot of people here, you have to stick with one of us all the time.” I figured I might as well take Kendall’s side with this, especially since that’s what got me in trouble in the first place.

         “Oh. Sorry. Guess what Daddy? I get to play with you!”

         “Yeah, I heard. That’s exciting. What’s up Ken? How are you doing?”

         “Good. Did you just get in?” she asked as she fixed JJ’s collar.

         “Yeah. I had to do some press for this before I could leave so they just sent me out this morning. How’s your hotel? Alright?”

         “Yeah, it’s really nice.” She smiled as Rachel came over, “Hey Rach, how are you?” Rachel got a hug. I didn’t get a hug, for the record.

         “Hey lady, how are you doing? You look gorgeous.”

         “Oh please, I’m kind of scrubbed out,” Ken laughed. She’s never been good at compliments but I’m glad someone told her. I wish I could be the one to tell her but at this point in our relationship I would think that would be frowned upon.

         “Yeah, sure” Rachel laughed, “Where do you want me?”

         “I think you can help out over at the check in for now, thanks Rach.”

         “Sure. What about you little man, you’re not even going to say hi to me?”

         JJ giggled and gave Rach a hug. “Hiiiiii.”

         “Hiiii,” Rachel laughed and grabbed onto his hand, “Come with me for a minute. I gotta show you something.”

         She’s sneaky, or at least she tries to be. She’s always doing something to get Ken and I alone together. I don’t know what she thinks is going to happen, but I appreciate the effort.  “So, uh…” I began but Ken broke in quickly.

         “I have you playing with David Beckham because I figured the boys could play together. I think they’re about the same age, right? And then the guy that won the auction will be playing with you too. His name is Dustin Perry. He’s in his sixties but he’s playing with his grandson, Victor, who is seven.”

         “OK,” I answered with a head nod. I really don’t care too much about who I’m going to be playing with. I’d rather talk to her, but of course that doesn’t seem too possible.

         “Alright. Well I’m going to get to work. You can go practice at the batting cages you guys are numbers 1, 2, and 3 so whatever one you want.”

         “The bating cages?”

         “Yeah.”

         I couldn’t hide the smile, she’s just so damn cute and clueless, “It’s a shooting range.”

         “Oh, well I don’t know. Whatever it’s called.” For a second I thought she’d be pissed but she laughed it off. Thank god she’s in a good mood, “Thanks for clearing that up. It’d be real embarrassing if I were to send everyone to a bating cage. All right, I’ll see you later. JJ’s with you now, right?”

         “Yup, I got him.”

         “Good luck.”

         “Well… good luck.” Ken said to be one night at Duffy’s. Not just one night, the night before I left for a month tour in Europe.

         “Good luck?” We’d only been dating a couple of months, but it seemed like so much longer. I knew I didn’t want to leave her, and judging by the look that was covering her face she didn’t want me to leave either.

         “Yeah. What else should I say?”

         “I don’t know,” I took a deep breath and grabbed onto her hand. It was too loud in there so we went outside and sat on the stonewall by the parking lot. Ken leaned her head against my shoulder and played with my fingers. “It’s only a month.”

         “A month is a very long time. 30 days, 31 in fact.”

         “It goes by fast though.”

         “I guess,” I’d never seen her pouting like that before and it was kind of sexy that she was acting like that because of me. “I kind of wish you could stay.”

         “I wish you could come.”

         “I have finals. Maybe next time you should plan your tour around my finals.”

         I laughed and put my arm around her, “I think that is something that is going to have to happen. You could always come out after finals.”

         “I could. No, I couldn’t.”

         “You could if I made you.”

         “Are you going to make me?” she let out a quick chuckle when I nodded my head.

         “That is if you’re still interested in me and haven’t found someone more exciting.”

         “Oh please, like that could happen,” she rolled her eyes before kissing me gently, “I love you.” Did she really just say…  “Oh my gosh, did I just say that out loud? Shit. I didn’t mean to, I mean… Gosh, this is so embarrassing.”

         I held onto her arm and stopped her from standing up. She looked about as red as a lobster, cute as hell. I couldn’t help but laugh myself, “Why is that embarrassing?”

         “Because we’ve only been together a couple months and I…”

         “I love you.”

         “Really?” she looked up at me, “You’re not just saying that because I said it? Like, don’t say it because you think you have to because maybe…. Maybe I didn’t mean it.”

         “I mean it,” I assured her, “Did you mean it?”

         “Yes,” she spoke softly and nodded her head.

         “Alright then, we’re on the same page,” I laughed and kissed her forehead, “You’re definitely going to have to come out. There’s no way I’m going to make it a month without you.”

         I think it’s safe to say today was a complete success. These events are usually really stressful but they end out great. Today wasn’t that stressful, mostly because I have a really great team of volunteers that definitely go the extra mile. It helps that I give everyone ice cream after, with Justin. It’s still weird how excited some people get to see Justin. I’m not surprised, I mean I do see what they see, some of them just take it to the extreme. I couldn’t imagine getting that excited to see anyone.

It’s now eight o’clock and I’m really looking forward to the night alone in this suite at the Bellagio. Rachel begged me to let JJ stay with her tonight so they could have a sleepover. There are not too many people I trust JJ to stay with but Rach is definitely someone I can trust. Plus, JJ loves her. She gets so silly with him he laughs the whole night. I think I might call down to see if they have any bubble bath. There’s an amazing tub looking right on the strip with the perfect view of the fountains. At first I was a little nervous but I’m sure no one can see in, I’m on the top floor.

         There was a slight knock on the door that made me question if I already called down for room service. I’m pretty sure I didn’t but I think I’m more tired than I thought I was. A whole day out in the hot dessert sun really gets to you.

         When I opened the door I saw Justin standing there with a smile on his face, “Hey.”

         “Hey. What’s up?” more like, what are you doing here?

         “Are you busy?”

         “Well, I was just going to…”

         “It’ll just take a minute,” he walked right past me and into the living room. OK, why ask if I’m busy if you don’t even care?

         I followed him into the room and stood beside the couch he was sitting on, “Justin, I’m kind of busy.”

         “It’ll just take a second,” he said before licking his lips. I’ve known him long enough to know something’s up when he does that, “I just… want to talk to you for a minute.”

         “Is everything alright?” I sat down on the other side of the couch. I could feel my heart beating in my throat, he gets me so nervous.

         “Yeah, yeah it’s nothing like that. I just… I saw you talking to Tom Brady.”

         I took a minute to let that set in before answering, “I talked to a lot of people today Justin.”

         “Yeah, but you were like, really talking to him.”

         Honestly I don’t even remember talking to him, I’m sure I wasn’t really talking to anybody. “OK, I don’t think I was but… even if I was, what exactly does that have to do with you?”

         “I’m just saying, he’s not a guy you should get involved with.”

         He can’t be serious. “He’s married!”

         “That means shit in this city!”

         I laughed at that and stood up to get myself a bottle of water, “You said it, not me.”

         “What does that mean?” he stood up and followed me, “I never cheated on you,” he spoke calmly, “You know that. You gotta know that, right Ken?”

         “Yes, I know that. Of course I know that. I didn’t mean it like that Justin, I know you never cheated on me.” That is one thing I do know for sure. He would never have cheated on me; he’s not that kind of person. I know that’s something girls say when they’re in denial but it’s serious with him. That is one thing I was sure about our whole relationship. That had nothing to do with us breaking up. “I just mean that he’s married to a supermodel.”

         “Giselle’s got shit on you.”

         “Well…” I’m not quite sure how to reply to that. It was sweet to say, even if it’s a complete lie. “Thank you, but that’s not true. I don’t even remember talking to him. Also, for the record, if I wanted to talk to him I could. I can do whatever I want because we’re divorced. You can be with your little hoes so if I want to I can…”

         “Seriously Ken, stop with the hoes. I don’t know where you get your information from but I’m not fucking any hoes.”

         Sure, we’ll let him pretend that’s true. I know for a fact that he’s with girls. There’s nothing wrong with that, we are divorced, but I don’t know why he’s pretending it’s not true.  “OK well, I’m still busy so…”

         “Well wait, that’s not even why I came. Do you want a drink or something?” I held up my bottle of water, “I mean a real drink.”

         “No, thank you.” I don’t really want to spend the night with him here.

         “Alright,” he walked over to the window and paced back and forth, “You got a nice view huh? The fountains should be starting up any minute.”

         What does he want? “Justin,”

         “Alright, sorry. So you know how I’m starting the tour next month? Well I was thinking since we can’t really send JJ on a plane back and forth every week that we should do it like a month at a time. Say, you got him the first month, then he comes out on tour for a month.”

         I think my heart just stopped beating, “No. I can’t go a whole month without him.”

         “I was just thinking it’d be fair. Maybe if you don’t want to do a whole month we could do a couple weeks.”

         “No! The lawyers said we need to stick to the schedule.”

         “I know what the lawyers said Ken, I just thought we could talk about it.”

         “Well I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not fair for you to take him away from me for a whole month.” I think I’m about to cry. The thought of it makes me sick.

         “Alright, calm down. You could think about it. What’s fair for JJ.”

         “What’s fair for JJ is not living out of a suitcase on tour with you! You have interviews and rehearsal all day and who’s going to put him to bed when you’re on stage? It’s ridiculous for you to even suggest…”

         “Alright. We’ll talk about it later. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He spoke quickly. I may be getting worked up a lot but he’s fucking crazy if he thinks I’m going to send JJ on tour with him for a whole month. I don’t even want him to go out there for a couple days. It’s such a waste anyway; Justin’s always so busy. Rachel will be taking care of him the whole time. I swear sometimes he does this just to piss me off.  “Do you want to go get dinner?”

         “Are you serious?” I shouted, “You’re telling me who I can and who I can’t talk to and telling me you want to take my son for a whole fucking month and you think I’m going to go get dinner with you?”

         “Come on, I’m hungry. You’ve got to be hungry.”

         “I was just going to relax…”

         “We could just get room service,” he suggested. We? No. More like I was going to take a bath, slip into my nightgown and eat by myself in my bed. That’s not going to happen. I know he’s not going to just let me do what I want to do and leave. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get dinner with him. Maybe we’ll be able to actually talk about something that we don’t want to fight about. It’s not good for JJ to see us fighting. We don’t ever fight in front of him but I’m sure he can still tell. “Come on Ken, give me a break.”

         “Alright, fine. Dinner. Let me get changed.”

         “Thank you. Take you’re time I’ll make reservations.”

She looks absolutely gorgeous. I swear she does it on purpose. I’m sitting out here on the couch, minding my own business and she walks out looking like a fucking goddess and I’m supposed to just sit back and do nothing about it.  Life is not fair.

“You look nice,” I said softly, almost regretting it when she gave me that look. It’s her we’re-NOT-together-anymore-you-can’t-say-that-shit-anymore look. I’m really fucking sick of that look.

“Thanks Justin,” she answers sincerely before grabbing her purse, “Ready?”

I nodded my head and let her walk in front of me so I could watch the way her black bubble dress fell on her ass and legs. “So, today went really well.” I spoke to break the silence while we stood in an elevator.

“Yeah, I think everyone had fun. How was JJ?”

“Good,” I chuckled, “Maybe next time we shouldn’t have him play with the Beckham kids. Those little shits were seriously showing of JJ’s lack of athletic skills.”

She laughed, that damn laugh that made me fall in love with her the first time, “I don’t understand why he’s so horrible at every physical activity. We were both athletic as kids.”

“We still are. It must skip a generation. His kids will be the next Tiger Woods.”

She laughed again, making it impossible for me to wipe the smile off my face. When we got married I knew I’d be able to make it through everything if I could just hear that laugh every day.  “Well, that would be interesting. Kay tried to play kickball with him the other day. He just could not grasp the concept. He kept picking up the ball. I mean, bless his heart, but he plays soccer, you would think he’d be able to understand it.”

“I’m not surprised,” I laughed, “He doesn’t need to be into sports, he’s going to find a cure to cancer or something.”

“Yeah. But he’s into sports, he loves playing. I always sit there and watch him and he’s having so much fun. I wish life was that easy again,” she trailed off and kept quiet for a few seconds before changing the subject, “So, where are we going?”

“Circo.” I answered, getting ready for her response.

“Circo? It’s kind of…” romantic? That’s what she wants to say, it’s too romantic.

“Close,” I finished before she could, “It’s good food, we’re hungry, it’s right here. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than that.”

Ken nodded her head and bit at her bottom lip. Sometimes I think she goes out of her way to make sure we never do anything even semi couple-ish. We haven’t even been divorced a year, it gets annoying that she puts so much effort into reminding me. We’ve been to Vegas many times in our relationship and have found ourselves at Circo at least once every trip. Ken absolutely loves their Penne con Gamberi, Pinoli Tostati, Pomodorini di Pachino, Salsa al Brandy. I absolutely love the way she says it. Her accent trying to pronounce it in Italian is just too damn cute.

I watched her look through the menu; I don’t know why she even bothers. It’s probably just to buy time. When we were actually together she didn’t even look at the menu, she’d rather sit and talk to me. Now it’s the opposite. I ordered a bottle of wine and ignored the look I knew she was giving me. Since when does wine automatically equal romance? I’m not trying to wine and dine her, I’m just hungry and I would like a couple glasses of wine with my meal. It was difficult for me to hide my smile when she ordered, but hearing her do it made this whole thing worth it.

“About your tour,” Ken began as she started to butter her bread.

“What about it?”

“JJ. I just don’t think…”

“Let’s not worry about that now.” I know I shouldn’t have brought it up but my mouth doesn’t always do what my brain tells it to. Once I get going I can’t stop, I have no control.

“I know, but he really can’t live in hotels…”

“We’ll talk about it later. We’ll figure it out. I was thinking of going home for a couple days. Maybe you and JJ would want to come?”

“When?”

“I don’t know, within the next couple weeks. I told him we’d go camping so I want to take him before the tour starts up.”

She bit her lip again; I know she doesn’t like the idea of us camping. It’s weird what being a parent does to someone. She used to always love camping, I’m sure she still does, but she gets so protective with JJ. “I don’t know if he’s ready to go camping.”

“Just down by the lake, for a night, maybe two. He’ll have fun. We haven’t taken him before, he’s been asking for months. You could come with us.”

“I don’t know Justin.”

“We’ll get separate tents,” I added. I’m not trying to get her to share a sleeping bag with me.

“That’s not what I don’t know about. I just don’t know if he’s old enough.”

“He’s old enough Ken,” if she keeps treating him like he’s a baby he’s going to turn out to be one fucked up kid. “We’ll talk about it later.”

She nodded her head, but looks like she’s not even paying attention anymore. I turned around to see what she was looking at, “What?”

“Don’t make a scene but,” she leaned forward and whispered, “Isn’t that that Rob kid my sister used to date? You know, the one…”

I turned around quickly and saw that scum sitting at a table with a girl, “That fucking…”

“No Justin, don’t,” she grabbed my hand before I could get up.

~*~*~*~*~

It was almost 9 o’clock at night when I heard banging on the front door. JJ was only two months old and I hadn’t slept for more than a couple hours at a time since. Neither had Justin, and he had to work all day too. I carried JJ with me to answer the door, fully expecting Justin to have forgotten his key, something that had happened very frequently the past few days.

Instead of seeing my husband, I saw my sister, tears and mascara running down her face, “What’s wrong Kay?”

“Oh fuck, the kid. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, he’s sleeping. What’s going on?”

“It’s fucking Rob and… can you talk? Is Justin here? I don’t want to…”

“Come in, it’s raining,” I moved over so she could get out of the cold, “Let me get you some clothes to change in to and I’ll put him down. Justin isn’t home yet.”

“He’s going to be pissed when he gets home and sees me here.”

“He’s fine, stop,” I said as I placed JJ in his crib before going through my drawers to get Kaylee a pair of sweatpants and a tank top.

She gave me a weird look before turning around and pulling her shirt off. I noticed the mark on her arm right away.

“What the hell is that? Did Rob…?”

“Yeah,” she cried, “He just like… out of nowhere.”

“Has he done that before?”

“No! That’s why I fucking left.”

“Tell me everything that happened,” I said as I grabbed the baby monitor and walked back downstairs to get her some ice. “Kay.”

“We were fine and then like he found out Jimmy called me a couple days ago and got crazy jealous. He’s never been like that before. I told him that Jimmy called because he needed Jen’s number so he could get his floors done where she did. I swear that’s it, it was like a ten second conversation.”

“I know, you told me he called.”

“Yeah. So that’s it and he went all ape shit. And I told him he needed to chill and he got even more pissed. I swear it was like he had smoke coming from his ears, it was scary. He got all mad and told me not to tell him what to do. So I said I was leaving and he grabbed onto my arm and didn’t let me go, then he pushed me to the ground and told me to fuck off.”

“Then he left?”

“No. Then I fucking left. He went into the other room and told me that I need to get my shit straight and I ran out. Fuck that. I’m not about to be one of those crazy bitches that gets beat up when her fucking boyfriend feels threatened.”

“You need to be careful though Kay. Maybe we should call the cops.”

“They’re not going to do shit,” she said, “It’s pointless. I just want to forget anything happened. Do you think I can crash here?”

“Obviously, of course. Take the room down here so JJ doesn’t wake you up when he cries. Can I get you something? I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m fine, I’ll be ok. I just need some sleep.”

It was late by the time I got home. My wife just had a baby a couple months ago and all I’ve been doing is working and spending time with them. Sleep just didn’t happen. You could imagine my disappointment when I saw Kaylee’s car in the driveway. It’s no secret we’ve had our problems but I think the major issue with us is that we both want Kendall all to ourselves. We don’t want to share. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to share that night, it was that I was tired as hell and didn’t want to play host all night.

When I opened the door Kendall came running into my arms, “Hey,” I held onto her tightly and could feel her crying against me, “What’s wrong babe? Where’s the baby? Where’s your sister?”

“You know Rob? He got mad at her for something stupid and he pushed her down and hit her.”

“What?” I shouted. The whole idea of a man hitting a girl is just something I could never comprehend, “Where is she?”

“She’s in the spare room. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, she’s got bruises and stuff.” I walked towards the room before she could finish. When I opened the door the lights were off and she was already asleep so I turned on the lamp so I could see the bruises first hand. OK, this fucker is going to pay.

“Where are you going?” Ken whispered as she followed me back to the front door, “Justin, no. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I’m not,” I lied, the first and last time I ever lied to Kendall. “I just forgot...”

“Obviously you didn’t forget anything. Don’t be stupid. I appreciate you looking out for my sister but…”

“I’m not doing anything. I just need to go take a ride. I’ll be back soon,” I said before kissing her softly, “I love you Ken.”

“I love you too but I really wish you wouldn’t do anything. We should call the cops or something.”

“Yeah, we will,” I assured her. I know the police aren’t going to do shit to this guy. I need to take this into my own hands, it’s not like I’m going to kill him, I just want to scare him a little. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Are you all right here or should I call someone? I can call Rachael to come over to stay with you until I get back.”

“I’m fine. Just be careful, all right? Please.”

“I’m always careful,” I said with a smirk before kissing her forehead.

That hour that Justin was gone was the longest hour of my life. I sat on the couch with JJ in my arms waiting nervously.  Even JJ knew something was going on. It’s weird that even at two months old he could sense that stuff. He finally fell asleep and I placed him in his crib. As soon as I made it back downstairs Justin was walking in the door complete with a black eye.

“Oh my god!” I shouted as I ran over to him.

“I’m fine, it’s not that bad. Shh, don’t wake up your sister.”

“Come on,” I whispered and grabbed his hand, pulling him into the kitchen and handing him a bag of frozen peas. “You’re an idiot, you know that right?”

He laughed and sat down at the table, “Of course I know that.”

“I mean, we could have handled this differently.”

“We could have, but it wouldn’t have been as rewarding.”

I couldn’t help but crack a smile but I grabbed the teapot so he wouldn’t notice. “Should you go to the doctor?”

“I’ll be fine. How was the baby today?”

“He was fine, how was work?”

“Fine.”

“Oh my god, you have that interview tomorrow!” I giggled as I poured him a glass of tea, “Justin, your publicist is going to kill you.”

He laughed when he remembered, “Oh well.”

I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, “Thanks for looking out for my sister.”

“She’s family. That’s what we do.”

The next morning I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. JJ woke us up early and I figured I might as well make a big breakfast for Kaylee. Justin sat at the table reading the paper and drinking his coffee until Kaylee came into the room.

“Morning Kay, did you sleep alright?” I asked before placing a cup of coffee in front of her.

She nodded her head, “Yeah, thanks. I’ll be out of here soon Justin.”

“No, you stay as long as you need,” Justin said as he put the paper down, “That room is yours for as long as you want it.”

“What happened to your eye?” she asked immediately.

“I walked into the bookshelf. Gotta learn to turn on the light when I’m trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.”

Kaylee licked her lips and looked over at me. I’m not exactly going to sell my husband out but she’s no idiot. She knows what must have happened. She stood up behind Justin’s chair and hugged him tightly, “Thank you Justin.”

“No problem Kay. You stay away from him, alright?”

She nodded her head but still hung on to him tightly. “I’m sorry I called you a jerk all those times,” she laughed before pulling away.

“Yeah yeah,” Justin laughed, “You’re fine. I’m going to stay home today. I’ll watch JJ, give you girls some time to do whatever you want to do.”

I felt my eyes watering up as Kaylee came over to give me a hug. That was the first time they actually acted like they could stand each other, and Justin really stepped up and showed me how much he cares about her.

“If you need to go get your shit at his place you better not go alone. And not just with the girls either. I’ll go with you or if you don’t want me to go we’ll get one of my security. That’ll scare the bastard.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

         “It is him,” I said as our food was placed in front of us, “What the fuck is he doing here?”

         “Eating dinner I would assume. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. The food looks good.”

         I need to keep my cool but the fact that this bastard is here is making me sick. Not even to mention that he’s there with a girl he’s probably beating the shit out of.  “I’ve lost my appetite.”

         “Come on Justin, you can’t do anything. I’m sure if he were hitting her she would leave.” Ken said as she held onto my hand. “Let’s just try to think about something else.

         “Yeah, alright. What are you going to do tomorrow? They were going to close out the pool in the back so everyone could go with the kids.”

         “Yeah, that sounds like fun,” Ken said as she continued looking over at their table. She’s obviously lost her appetite as well. “Do you think maybe we could just get it wrapped up? We can go back to my room and eat it. I really can’t eat with him here.”

         I nodded my head. She read my mind. I know I’m not the only one that wants to kill this guy, Kaylee is her sister. I called the waiter over and he wrapped our food up quickly. I had it charged to the room and left him a fifty for so at least it was worth something for him. “Are you ready?”

         “Yeah. I can’t…” she paused as we walked by him and then stopped at the door and walked back.

         “Ken, what are you doing?”

         “I just…” she walked up to the table, “Hi, remember me?”

         “Uh,” the bastard cleared his throat and looked a little nervous when he saw me come over to the table. That’s right jackass, you remember what happened.

         “Can I talk to you for a minute, please?” Ken asked the girl. She looked over at me then back and Kendall and stood up, following both of us to the lobby. “Hi. Thank you. I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, but my sister used to date him. He got pissed about something stupid once and he like beat the shit out of her. I don’t know how close you are or how well you know him or if he ever hit you but…”

         “This is our first date,” the girl answered, looking between the two of us nervously.

         “OK, good. He’s scum, like the scummiest of scum and I know I don’t know you but he really isn’t worth anything. You’re a beautiful girl and you look smart and interesting but you could do better. Cause he’s a complete asshole and I’m worried for you. You can come with us, we’ll walk you back to your hotel.” This is what I love about this girl. I love how I’m ready to kill the dude but all she’s worrying about is this girl that could at some point get abused by the bastard that hurt her sister.

         “My purse is…”

         “I’ll get it,” I answered as I walked back to the table where asshole Rob was sitting there giving me a look like I fucked up his night.

         “Dude, what the fuck?” he asked.

         “Yeah man, what the fuck? You need to stay the fuck away from my family and me and if you see me you better run the other fucking way. And stay away from that girl too.” I grabbed her purse and went back to the lobby where Kendall and the girl were waiting. “I got it.”

         “Thank you so much,” she said as she took it from my hand, “I really owe you guys. I mean, you don’t even know me.”

         “No way, it’s a public service that we have to do for anyone he tries to get with,” Kendall said with a smile. She’s so good at making people feel better, she should have been a nurse, “I’m Kendall by the way, and this is Justin.”

         “I know who you are. I’m Stacy. Seriously though, thank you.”

         “It’s nice to meet you Stacy. I’m going to give you my cell number in case he comes by.  I’m sure he won’t, but just in case. Don’t fall for his lines either.” Ken handed Stacy her card.

         “I won’t. My room’s right over here. Thank you guys so much. I can’t thank you enough.”

         “It’s not a problem. Have a good night,” I said as she went into her room and we walked back to the elevator. “Another young life saved.”

         Kendall laughed, “Ugh, I can’t believe we saw that bastard, and that poor girl didn’t have any idea. Ew, it makes me sick to think he just goes around and finds these poor girls and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

         “Yeah, he’s sick. We should send her tickets to the show tomorrow. Do you think she’d want to go?”

         “Of course. She had a little googly eyes when she saw you standing there,” Ken laughed.

         “Yeah? You think I have a chance?” I asked with a smile.

         “Definitely, I think you have more than a chance.” I’m not sure if that’s jealousy or not. She doesn’t seem upset by it; I sure as hell hope she’s not telling me to go for it. Not that I would, but that would mean she’s completely over me. She can’t be completely over me, can she?

         “Oh all right, good to know,” I laughed as I wrapped my arm around her waist, fully expecting her to push it away but to my surprise she didn’t.

         “Stop being so dumb,” she laughed when we got to her room and she went through her purse. “I don’t have my key.”

         “Sure you don’t. This is all a ploy to get into my room isn’t it?”

         She giggled, “Shut up. You were rushing me and I must have left it…”

         “Oh stop, I was not rushing you,” I said as we headed to my room down the hall, my hand still around her waist, for the record. I don’t think I’m going to be able to move it until she makes me and it doesn’t seem like she’s going to make me any time soon. “I was hungry.”

         “I still am hungry. Where’s your room?”

         “Right here, patience.”

         “Well where’s your key?”

         “In my pocket.” My left hand is around her waist and my right hand is holding the food. I don’t want to move my hand away from her waist because I may never be able to put it back there again.

         “So we’re just going to wait out here and wait for it to just magically pop out of your pocket and jump into the door?”

         “I guess so. I mean, my hands are kind of occupied.”

         She giggled and rolled her eyes before going into my pocket and grabbing the key. “You’re kind of ridiculous.”

         “You love it.”

         Ken had that smile cover her face and then spoke softly, “I do.” She tried to be quiet so I wouldn’t hear but I heard it loud and clear, “Come on though, I’m really hungry.”

         “This food is amazing even when it’s cold,” I said as I stuffed my face. I’m glad he decided to go there, even if it’s a little too romantic. It all worked out, “Do you remember we went there when I was pregnant and I had like two of these?”

         Justin chuckled, “Yeah, I remember. You weren’t even showing yet, everyone was looking at you. More wine?”

         “Yeah, thanks,” I said as I held my glass out. “This is nice.”

         “What is nice?” he asked as he filled my glass with wine.

         Wine makes me a little loopy right away. It also makes me say things I shouldn’t say, or at least things I wouldn’t say if I hadn’t just had a few glasses of wine, “This. Us, drinking and eating and being civil.”

         “We’re always civil,” sure we don’t tear each other’s heads off but I don’t think we’re really civil. It could be worse but it could definitely be better, “We should do it more often.”

         “Yeah, we should have date nights more often,” I answered sarcastically with a laugh.

         “Why not?” he asked completely serious.

         “Because we’re divorced?”

         He took a deep breath, not fully appreciating my answer. “So what does that mean that we can’t ever have dinner?”

         “We’re having dinner right now aren’t we? Don’t ruin it.”

         “Don’t ruin it,” he repeated sarcastically, “it’s like you go out of your way to make it clear to me that we’re divorced. I’m aware Ken, you’ve got fucking half of everything I own, you’ve got my fucking house. I know.”

         “See, this is why we don’t hang out anymore. You act normal and then out of nowhere you just focus on the divorce, like it’s this life changing event…”

         “It is a life changing event! How is it not a life changing event?” he shouted.

         “I didn’t mean that. It’s obviously life changing. I just mean you can’t move past it. You just can’t accept it and move on.”

         “How the fuck am I supposed to just accept it and move on?” he stood up and started pacing around the room, “How Kendall? How the hell am I supposed to just accept the fact that we’re divorced?”

         I hate when he acts like this, “It’s been a year…”

         “No, it hasn’t been a full year. I don’t understand how it’s so easy for you to move past it like you never even fucking loved me in the first place.”

         “Don’t say that, of course I love you.”

         “Then why are we even divorced? If you love me and I obviously still love you…”

         “You know why we’re divorced.” I answered simply; my eyes are already starting to tear up. I really don’t want to talk about it right now, or ever for that matter.

         “No. I know we went through a lot of shit and I know the reason you gave me, about fucking ice cream, but I don’t really know why we’re divorced.”

         “Why did you sign the papers then?”

         “Because it’s what you wanted,” he answered calmly before sitting back down on the couch.

         “I can’t talk about this right now.”

         “We need to talk about it because it’s been almost a year and we still haven’t talked about it.”

         “I can’t,” now I’m really crying and I can’t even hold it back anymore. I hate crying, especially over this. I’ve already cried over it so many times but it never gets easier. “Please Justin, I can’t talk about it.”

         “When are we going to talk about it?”

         “I don’t know. I just can’t yet. Please.”

         “Alright, alright, I’m sorry,” he said before pulling me into a hug, “It’s just hard cause I still love you.”

         “Love was never our problem.”

~*~*~*~

         “You don’t love me!!!!” she screeched louder than I’ve ever heard a woman screech before, “You don’t fucking love me anymore because I’m a big fat cow!”

         “Come on Ken,” I followed her as she paced around the house, “You know I love you.”

         “You don’t. You did but now I’m a whale and you don’t love me anymore.”

         “All I said is you don’t have to come if you don’t want to come.”

         “Because I’m a fat cow and you don’t want to be seen with me. Well guess what? It’s not my fault I’m a fat cow. I’m carrying like 50 of YOUR babies.”

         “You’re carrying one of my babies,” I corrected her. I know it’s wrong to play with her when she’s in a mood like she’s in now but it’s fun. I have to find some kind of humor in the situation or I’d probably kill myself.

         “How do you know? There could be more than one. I’m huge!”

         “Yeah, but we just got an ultrasound and there was only one baby in there.”

         “Well… those things could be wrong. Sometimes another baby just pops up.”

         “Sure. I’m sure it’s possible that another baby could pop up but 49 other babies? That’s just silly.”

         Kendall took a deep, exaggerated breath and rolled her eyes, “Why are you being so mean?” now she sounds like she’s ready to cry. I’ll never understand how these hormones work, but they’re really fucking annoying.

         “I’m not, I’m sorry,” I let out a quick chuckle, “It’ll be ok.”

         “It’s not going to be ok because this kid is fucking pushing against my ribs and it hurts. And he’s like moving and doing flips and it hurts.”

         “He?”

         “She… whatever.”

         “Maybe the baby is going to be a gymnast.”

         “You’re not funny. You know that right? You never were, you never will be so stop.”

         I had to laugh at how evil she has become in the past month or so. God, that was harsh, “I have to get ready and if you’re coming you have to get ready too.”

         “Why would I want to come?” she asked as she climbed into bed, “So everyone can point and laugh at how Justin Timberlake’s wife looks like a fire truck?”

         “You look absolutely gorgeous, no one is going to think anything but that,” I assured her. It’s true too, she was always a beautiful pregnant woman, sure she was crazy as fuck, but still completely gorgeous.

         “Do you know what I hate about you?”

         I laughed at the response I got, not exactly what I was expecting. “No I don’t, but I’d love you to tell me.”

         “Good cause I’m going to tell you,” she said as I changed into my suit, “I hate how you think everything’s funny. How I’m laying here in pain because you knocked me up. I hate how it’s not fair that I have to suffer and you get to go out and be on television and everyone thinks you’re so amazing because you’ve got a wife and a kid and blah blah blah while I’m sitting at home unable to move because I’m a fat cow.”

         “Do you know what I love about you?” I asked but got caught off immediately.

         “No because I’m not done. I hate how you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, who does that? And I hate how you ate all my Cheetos.”

         “I didn’t eat all your Cheetos. I had a handful.”

         “Well they’re gone! They just magically disappeared?”

         “No. But you’ve been eating them, that’s what happens.”

         “No I have not.”

         I laughed and fell on the bed next to her and grabbed her hands in mine, “Then why are your hands covered in orange cheese?”

         “Whatever,” she said as she wiped her hands on her shirt.

         I don’t know what has gotten into her lately but she truly as become quite the bitch. I actually enjoy it; I find it very humorous, especially since she’s normally the sweetest girl in the world. “Can I go now? Do you know what I love about you? I love how you’re carrying my baby and how you’re doing it so well. I love how you eat all the Cheetos, and the Doritos… and the Pringles. I love how you become this crazy, moody, bitch when you’re pregnant. I love how beautiful you are, even when you’ve got a giant baby bump. I love how you’re my wife and how your fingers are so swollen you can’t even wear my wedding ring anymore. I love you so much Ken,” I said before kissing her lips gently and then pulling her shirt up so I could kiss her stomach, “And I love you too unborn child that’s making your mother’s life a living hell which is in turn making my life a living hell.”

         She giggled, and I felt a great deal of success, “I hate you though.”

         “I know.”

         “I hate how you can’t put your arms around me because I’m too fat.”

         “I love how you don’t roll over in the middle of the night and crush me to death.”

         She laughed again and slapped my arm, “OK, fine. I love you.”

         “Finally! Enough to come with me tonight?”

         “Yeah. Where’s the baby?”

         “With my mother.”

         “Is she keeping him all night?”

         “Yeah.” I assured her before kissing her forehead.

         “Can we leave early? Just do the red carpet and then leave?”

         “Yeah,” I answered with a smile, “It’s not my movie, what do I care?”

         “Thank you. Thanks for putting up with me.”

         “Nah, it’s fun. I need a little more excitement in my life. And yes, we can stop for dinner after… and McDonalds before if need be.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

         I went out on the balcony to get some fresh air and left Ken inside. I know she still has a hard time talking about everything that happened but I hate pretending like everything that we did was right.  I hate not being with her. I hate seeing her and not being able to be with her. I hate how our whole family is broken up because of some stupid shit neither of us had any control over.

         And we never fucking talked about it. That’s what really pisses me off because I know if we would have talked it through we could have come to some kind of a conclusion that’s not as drastic as getting a fucking divorce. I think we both get that now, we both understand that we jumped to conclusions way too fast and did what we had to do because at the time our lives were turned inside out and there was nothing else we could do. We thought getting a divorce was what we needed and that would solve all the problems. It didn’t solve shit. Now we’re both realizing how fucking stupid it is but no one’s going to admit it or even suggest we could do something to be together. Well fuck that, I’ve tried a million times but she always acts like I’m crazy to even suggest it. Then she goes and tells me she still loves me. What the fuck is up with the mixed signals?        

         I went back into the suite and saw Kendall passed out on the couch. It’s funny the effect wine has on her, she always passes out. I should have given her some tequila, then the night would have turned out much differently. Obviously I wouldn’t get my wife drunk on tequila so she’d have sex with me… ex wife… damn.

         “Ken, you up?” I don’t know why I bother asking. She’s out, passed out, and I’m not going to just leave her on the couch all night. I smiled as I looked down at her, why does she have to be so damn adorable when she’s passed out with her mouth wide open? Life would be so much easier if she wasn’t so damn perfect. I picked her up and carried her into the bedroom, placing her gently on the bed. She’s still out. We spit a bottle of wine here and she had a glass and a sip at the restaurant. It’s good to know she’s still a lightweight.

         My phone rang in my pocket so I left the room quickly to answer it so she wouldn’t wake up, “Hello?”

         “Hey J,” Rachael’s voice greeted me, “Sorry to call you but Ken’s not answering her phone and she’s not in her room… I probably shouldn’t have told you that, huh? I’m sure she’s just like… hanging out alone by the pool or something.”

         “Or sleeping,” I answered. It amazes me how pathetic everyone thinks I am. It amazes me even more that I am indeed as pathetic as everyone things I am.  “What’s up?”

         “JJ is like throwing a fit. He wants his Mommy or his Daddy or basically anyone but me.”

         “Let me talk to him.” I heard her pass the phone, “Hey buddy.”

         “Hi Daddy.”

         “What’s the matter?”

         “I’m not sleepy at Rachael’s and I wanna be sleepy at yours or at Mommy’s because you know why? Her room is small and only got 2 beds and one room. Yours and Mommy’s room has lots of rooms and a pool.”

         I laughed at the fact that my four-year-old son is already refusing to stay in a room because it’s not big enough, “I don’t have a pool, neither does your mother.”

         “Oh. But you got that tub that I can go swimming in and I like to watch the water. Ohh and you know what else? Rachael won’t let me eat ice cream!”

         “It’s too late for ice cream,” I learned my lesson as far as letting JJ eat ice cream at night, that’s for damn sure. “You can go swimming tomorrow, and watch the water. Now it’s time for bed.”

         “I don’t wanna sleep and I can’t cause the bed here isn’t good like the one in your room cause that one’s fluffy.”

         I shook my head and chuckled, this kid is used to the finest things in life. What four year old would ever complain that a bed is too fluffy? Sure, the beds in the suite are much more comfortable, but I would never think he would be able to realize that. “So what are you saying?”

         “I’m saying I needa good bed Daddy or I’m not gonna be able to sleep!”

         I took a deep breath, unable to say no to my son. “Alright, tell Rachel I’m coming to get you.” it’s not that I’m giving in, it’s just that if he doesn’t get any sleep he’ll be cranky all day tomorrow and he has a busy day. I’m making excuses.

         When I got to Rachael’s room JJ was ready to go. I thanked Rachael and grabbed onto JJ’s hand, walking him through the hotel in his Finding Nemo pajamas.  “You know what stinks Daddy?”

         “What?”

         “That Rachael don’t have a good room. It’s so small Daddy, it’s like only this big,” he held his hands so close they were almost touching.

         “She has a nice room, it’s bigger than most people’s rooms.” He’s starting to worry me.

         “Not bigger than yours or Mommy’s.”

         “Yeah, but you know what JJ? Most people don’t have rooms like us. We’re really lucky. We got them because we’re working. Sometimes we get small rooms too.”

         “No suh. Every time you go on the bus your rooms are big like this one.”

         “That’s work though.”

         “Well when we went to Disney World that wasn’t work and our room was big.”

         All right. I need to make a mental note to start staying in shitty hotels. I can only imagine what he’s going to be like in a couple years. “Alright. Time for bed.” I said as I opened the door to the suite. He headed right to the bedroom and stopped at the door when he saw his mother sleeping in bed.

         “Daddy!” he giggled, “How come Mommy’s sleeping in your bed?”

         “She’s tired. Come on J, you’re room is over here.”

         “Mommy’s silly. This isn’t her room. You know what? I remember when you and Mommy had the same room. I remember when you used to have the same bed too. Do you remember that Daddy?”

         “Yeah man, I remember that,” I said as I picked him up and placed him in the bed.

         “How come you and Mommy don’t do that no more?”

         “Did you ever ask Mommy that?” I don’t know how to answer that so I’ll see what she says.

         “Mmmhmm.”

         “And what does she say?”

         “She said cause you snore,” he giggled, “Do you snore?”

         “No,” I laughed, “Mommy snores. All right buddy. Is bed comfortable enough for you?”

         “Yeah,” he giggled.

         “Perfect. Get some sleep. Don’t come waking me up early in the morning, I’m tired.”

         He giggled again, “Daddy.”

         “JJ,” I laughed before kissing his forehead, “Goodnight kiddo.”

         “Goodnight Daddy-o.”

         I woke up when I felt my nose being tapped and heard giggling. When I opened my eyes I saw JJ standing by the bed giggling, “What are you doing here?”

         “I slept here!” he threw his hands in the air, “Rachael’s bed was yucky and not comfy so I called Daddy and he came to get me. Oh, and guess what? You was already sleeping! And Daddy said I couldn’t wake him up.”

         “So you woke me up? That’s not fair.”

         “Uh huh,” he giggled again; making it impossible for me to be even a little upset that he woke me. “You know you slept in bed with Daddy, even though he snores.” He said before crawling over me and lying between the two of us. I turned on my other side to see that I did indeed sleep with Justin last night… or sleep in the same bed as Justin last night. “Dadddddy,” JJ called out before poking at Justin like he did me, “Wake up, wake up, wake up,” he whispered, “Me and Mommy are awake and we’re hungry!”

         JJ is too cute, he’s perfect. I couldn’t help but laugh as he tapped at Justin’s nose, “Maybe you should let Daddy sleep.”

         “Guess what Mommy? You. Slept. With Daddy last night! Even though he snores!” he giggled.

         I giggled right along with him, even though it probably won’t be too good if he repeats that to anyone else.  A four year old telling the world that his parents slept together is never a good thing, even if he doesn’t know what he’s saying. “You know what? I think I fell asleep before he started snoring.”

         “Yeah, cause you was asleep when I got home. Not home! Here!”

         “How do you wake up so happy?” it doesn’t make sense. I wish I were four again.

         “I’m happy cause I get Mommy AND Daddy at the same time!”

         That hurt. A lot. I didn’t think he really understood what was going on, but clearly he knows.

         “I thought I told you not to wake me up,” I heard Justin’s voice and JJ rolled over to face him. Justin always knows when to save me from these situations. I don’t think he knows how grateful I am that he does.

         “I didn’t! I woke up Mommy! You know why? Cause I’m hungry, that’s why. I’m ready for breakfast!”

         “You’re ready for breakfast huh? How did you sleep?”

         “Gooood. Mommy, can we have breakfast?”

         “Yeah man, why don’t you go find the room service menu and pick something out,” Justin said and JJ was running out of the room without missing a beat.

         “What happened last night?” I asked before getting out of bed. Justin handed me a pair of his sweatpants and a t-shirt to change in to so I don’t have to wear this dress all morning.  He has the most comfortable sweatpants, maybe it’s because they’re a couple sizes too big for me, but they’re the best thing ever.   It’s a little scary that I don’t remember how I got to bed but it must have had something to do with the wine.

“You passed out.” he answered nonchalantly.

         “I know,” I laughed before pulling the sweats under my dress, “I mean with JJ.”

         “Oh yeah, your son wouldn’t sleep in Rachel’s room because it’s too small and the bed’s not comfortable enough.”

         “What?” he can’t be serious.

         “Seriously. He refused to sleep in a room because it was too small and the bed wasn’t fluffy enough.”

         I don’t know what to say to that. So instead of saying anything I just stood there in shock. Justin laughed at my response, “That’s scary.”

         “Yeah,” he agreed with a head nod.

         “Is her room real bad?”

         “No,” he laughed before running his hand through his hair. “She’s got a normal room, it’s big. Not like ours but…”

         “That’s so scary,” I repeated, “He’s four.”

         “Yeah I know, that’s what I’m saying.”

         This is really bothering me.  All I can think is that he’s going to turn out like a male Paris Hilton or something. That cannot happen. I will not let that happen. “What do we do? Take him to a homeless shelter or something?”

         “I don’t know, he’s kind of young for that. Nothing like you, huh?”

         “What do you mean?”

         “Remember when you came out to New York that first time?”

         “Oh yeah,” I laughed remembering that room, “That room was…”

         “Crazy, right?”

         “Completely crazy. I still get a little shocked with the rooms.”

         “Yeah, me too.”

I was surprised that Kendall stayed with JJ for a room service breakfast. Hell, I was surprised she didn’t wake up and run. I thought for sure she’d at least be pissed that I slept in bed with her. It is my bad, it’s not like I’m going to sleep on the couch. I’m beginning to see how much it means to JJ when we spend this time together. You always think just cause he’s a little kid he doesn’t fully get what’s going on but I’m pretty sure he gets it more than I do. He’s a smart kid, and that’s not just me trying to make my kid out to be the best. He is smart, too smart in fact. I wish he were dumber sometimes… that came out wrong.

“What are we gonna do today?” JJ asked as he finished off his chocolate chip pancake.

“What do you want to do today, Babe?” Ken asked as she pulled her legs to her chest and grabbed onto her coffee. It’s hard for me to keep my eyes off her, especially when she’s wearing my sweats. There’s just something about your girl wearing your sweats. I know, technically, she’s not my girl but as far as I’m concerned she’ll always be my girl.  “It’s up to you today, your choice.”

“My choice!?!” he shouted before looking over at me. I nodded my head with a smile, who knew he would get so excited over something so simple. I know he’s been around for four years but he still surprises me every day. It’s cool that he’s becoming his own person and I can have real conversations with him, even if they always tend to go back to Transformers or something. “OK, OK, I know, I know. We can go swimming! Yeah, we can allll go swimming. Me and Mommy and Daddy too! And then we can get one of those big sundaes we got last time, ok Daddy?”

I had to laugh at that. It’s been almost a year since we were here, I didn’t think he’d remember something that happened then. Although, it was a damn big sundae. Come to think of it, Kendall was pretty damn big then too.

“Why isn’t she answering her phone????” Kendall shouted as she lay in bed, eight and a half months pregnant.

“Shh, keep it down,” I answered with a chuckle. It was almost midnight and we happen to have a three-year-old sound asleep one door over. “We’re in Vegas baby, they’re not going to stay in the hotel all night when we told them to go out and have fun.”

“They don’t need to be out having fun, we’re not out having fun.”

“That’s because we have a three year old and you’re ready to pop with number two any second.” She curled her lip as she gave me a dirty look and I couldn’t help but laugh. I know that pisses her off more than anything but she’s just too cute and bitchy when she’s pregnant. “I’ll go get it.”

“No, you can’t go get it because by the time you get back it will be melted goo.”

“What if we have someone go get it for us?”

“Yeah, because they’ll have frozen bags that will keep the ice cream cold and the hot fudge hot. Uh, NO!”

Another chuckle got me another dirty look, “What if we call down to room service and they come up here and make you a sundae?”

“Because Justin, it’s not the same. I’m just going to go myself, you can stay with JJ.”

“No, you’re not going anywhere by yourself. Something like ice cream could make you go into early labor.”

“Don’t be stupid. Ice cream is not going to make me go into labor. What else do you suggest then? That’s the only option.”

“No it is not,” I held back the laugh this time, “We can call down and have them bring up a whole cart of ice cream, Home Alone style, and you can make your own sundae.”

“It’s not the same!” she shouted, I don’t know how JJ is still asleep, “Nobody has the cinnamon waffle cone shells like they do and that’s what I want. So there’s no other option except if I go by myself. OR, oh I know. Just call down and ask for someone to come up and watch JJ for an hour while we go.”

“Oh, come on now babe, now you’re talking crazy. You want to leave JJ with some stranger that’s not even trained to watch kids?”

“He’s sleeping, we could even leave him alone we’ll be back soon.”

I shook my head and laughed before getting out of bed, “I’m just going to call down and have them bring up a sundae bar. We’ll go over there and get the good sundae tomorrow, when JJ’s awake. He’ll like it anyway.”

“No, don’t. I’m not going to eat it. I’d rather have no ice cream than the stupid hotel ice cream.”

I took a deep breath and lay back on the bed, “You’re acting crazy Ken, you wanted me to tell you when you start acting crazy and I’m telling you.”

“I am not acting crazy. What did the doctor say about my cravings? He said it’s completely normal. And he said you had to listen to me and get me what I want.”

“I understand that Ken, but I don’t know what you want me to do. I said I’ll go get it but you won’t let me. We can’t leave JJ here alone. No one is around to watch him. There’s no other option. You can eat the ice cream from the hotel and then tomorrow we’ll get the good stuff.”

“Tomorrow I won’t want the good stuff! I want it now. I’m sorry if you can’t handle my fucking cravings but try being the one that actually has them. Maybe if you didn’t get me knocked up in the first place you’d never have to see me again.”

“Oh, here we go. It’s blame everything on Justin time, the fifth time today.”

“It is your fault! You’re the one that made me have sex…”

“Oh yeah, I made you have sex,” I answered sarcastically, “It’s not like I just got back from tour and you made your sister watch JJ. And you bought that sexy lingerie and seduced the shit out of me. Oh, wait. That’s exactly how it happened.”

“Oh, bullshit. We don’t know that’s when I got pregnant.”

“We do actually, it’s a fact, and it was that weekend.”

“Says who? The doctor? Like he knows anything.”

I laughed and pulled her head to my chest, “You’re so moody, it’s sexy.”

“Please, there is not one sexy thing about me right now.” I watched her eyes close slowly and thought for a second she was done and would fall asleep. Of course, that wasn’t the case. She opened her eyes and slapped my stomach, “I want a sundae.”

“Oww, that hurt. You need to relax.” I said as she stood up, “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom, chill.”

I lay in bed for a few minutes before I realized how full of shit she is and decided to go investigate to she what she was really doing. I headed to JJ’s room and saw her sitting on the bed; I stood in the doorway and watched carefully.

“JJ,” she whispered as she picked him up in her arms, “Wake up baby,”

Is she really waking him up?

“What Mommy?” he asked in a daze.

“Come on, wake up. We’re going to go get some ice cream. Don’t tell Daddy I woke you up,” she whispered again before standing up with him in her arms. She walked to the door and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me standing in the doorway with my arms crossed, “Oh.” She stated softly.

“Oh,” I replied.

“He was up, so I…”

“He was not up, you woke him up. Don’t lie to me.”

“Fine, I woke him up, but does it matter? He’s up now.”

“You’re ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous.”

“No I’m not. He’s a kid, he likes ice cream, and it’s not that late.” She tried to make herself feel better.

“I do Daddy, I like ice cream!” JJ added, he’s awake now.

“Yeah, I know you do,” I chuckled, “Alright, let’s go.”

         After breakfast we went down to the pool.  I’m actually having a lot of fun spending time with my guys… well with Justin and JJ. I didn’t realize how much I missed these family moments. All together it was a fun day, except when JJ decided to tell everyone that his Mommy and Daddy slept together last night.  That was interesting. It just goes to show how important it is to him that we spend more time together. I can easily have Justin over for dinner once a week, or we can spend a day out as a family. It’s not like we hate each other, there’s no need to act like we do. We can be civil and do what’s best for JJ.  It’s possible to still be friends.

         The room was still dark when I woke up which made me believe it was much earlier than it actually was. That hasn’t happened to me in awhile, but it’s always so fucking disappointing when it does.  A loud crack of thunder made me jump up, of course there’s a storm. It’s just that day; it’s been exactly a year so the whole world is showing me that it’s going to be a bad day.  It couldn’t be a nice, sunny day. It’s not possible. It was rainy and there was thunder and lightning on this day last year, so it’s going to rain and storm for the rest of my life on this day.  It’s God’s little way of reminding us, as if we need to be reminded.

 I lay back down and pulled the covers over my head hoping that maybe I can go back to sleep and sleep through this whole day. That way when I wake up it’ll be October 16th and October 15th would have never existed.

 My mother, on the other hand, did not want me to sleep.  She called me a few minutes later.

         “How are you doing?” her concerned voice took over. She’s always so worried about me, I guess she has every right to, today is a day I’ve been dreading for a very long time. Although, I’m not the one she should be asking.

         “Fine,” I sat up and looked out the window. The whole sky lit up from a crack of lightning. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d think it was two in the morning instead of eight. It’s so damn dark out there it’s almost eerie.  “It’s fucked up out there huh?”

         “The language Justin.”

         “Sorry.” I’m twenty-eight years old, just a side note.  Obviously my age doesn’t mean anything. I still feel the need to apologize to my mother for swearing.

         “How’s Kendall doing?”

         “I just woke up.”

         “You still want to go over there, right? What time?”

         “Yeah uh… let me take a shower, you can come by whenever you want.”

         I don’t really want to go over there. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go over there, I just don’t want to go over there today. I know how depressing it’s going to be. I wish I could instead take Ken and JJ and get on a plane to Hawaii or something. We could forget about everything that happened this day, and make new memories. So that way, when October 15th comes around next year, we won’t have all the shitty memories, we’ll just remember the good ones.

         Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I want to forget her. Of course I don’t want to forget her, I just want to remember the good things. It’s hard when you loose someone, it’s hard to remember someone you’ve known for years and not remember the way you saw them last. When my great uncle died for the longest time I could only remember him the way he looked lying in that coffin. Sure, a couple weeks later I started to remember him for the good times, like the way he took me fishing and taught me how to shoot a BB gun.

         It’s hard to remember the good memories with someone when you never had the chance to make any good memories. I’ve been trying to get the image of the five seconds that I did see her out of my head for the last year. It still pops up every now and then. It’s impossible to forget.

~*~*~*~*~

         I woke up with my stomach full of knots.  I’m surprised I was able to fall asleep. It’s like my body knows. I went to bed last night at ten and woke up at midnight. I swear it was midnight on the dot. The second it turned to October 15th was the second I woke up and felt the immediate knot in the stomach. Obviously I’ve been feeling this for the past year but I’ve been dreading this day for a while. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day with JJ here and act strong and pretend nothing’s wrong. I should have asked Justin to take him. But then what? Then I’d just stay in bed all day and make myself sick. Maybe it’ll be better if I have JJ here and I can try to get my mind off it. The only problem is that I know that’s not going to happen.

 I already feel sick to my stomach and it’s the morning, I have all day to deal with this. I knew today would be hard but dammit, I didn’t think it’d start from the second I woke up.  I feel like I’m going to throw up… ok I’m going to throw up. Luckily I made it to the bathroom in time. I stood up after throwing up the little that was in my stomach and looked in the mirror. I’m disgusting.  I made the mistake of lifting up my shirt to look at my stomach that was not carrying a child of any sort. And here come the tears, I knew they’d be coming.         

         I really need to straighten my shit out.

         Another loud crack of thunder vibrated through the house followed by lightning that lit up the whole room. There was a thunderstorm like this last year too; there will forever be thunderstorms on October 15th. Its god’s way of reminding me. I don’t need a reminder. I’ll remember it forever. We could do without the thunderstorms.

         Exactly one year ago today I went into labor with our second child, Jenny Lynn.

         It was raining… thunder, lightning like a monsoon. The roads were full of traffic because people in California don’t know what to do with rain. I was lying in a hospital bed about to go in labor while my husband was god knows where. JJ, who was three at the time, was sitting in the waiting room with Justin’s cousin while Justin’s mother was standing next to me, trying to calm me down. “He’ll be here any second.”

         “I can’t hold her in much longer.  She’s ready to come now.”

         “He’ll be here, there’s just a lot of traffic.”

         “I just really want him here, he has to be here.”

         “He’s coming sweetie,” she held onto my hand tightly. There’s something about Justin’s mother that always made me feel safe. She’s just one of those ladies, like my mother, who makes you feel like everything will be alright, even if you know deep down it won’t. For some reason, on that day, at that moment it didn’t work. I knew deep down that it wasn’t going to be all right; I knew something was going to go terribly wrong. Stupid me thought the biggest thing that could go wrong would be that Justin would miss his first daughter’s birth. Boy, was I wrong.

         Justin ran in completely out of breath, “Are you alright? You’re ok?” he kissed my forehead and grabbed my hand as his mother left the room, “Shit baby, I didn’t think I was going to make it,” he laughed.

         “I didn’t think you’d make it either. It’s not fucking funny, stop laughing,” I ordered, my eyes filling with tears. There’s no need for me to pretend that I wasn’t a complete bitch through my entire pregnancy. I don’t know why, it was like some evil version of me took over my body for nine months. Justin always knew how to deal with me though, I’m sure he’s the only man that could have lived with me through those times.

         “I’m sorry, I know it’s not funny. I was worried; I thought I’d miss it. How are you doing? What’s going on?”

         “It hurts, I didn’t think you were going to be here,” I began crying.

         “It’s alright baby, I’m here now,” Justin kissed my lips quickly and wiped the sweat off my face, “What do you need? Some ice?

         “We’re going to have you start pushing sweetheart,” the doctor said.

         I never heard her cry. She never cried, as soon as she came out I saw Justin’s face and I knew immediately something was very wrong. He looked like he had seen a ghost, like his whole life came crashing down. He went from pure excitement, like any man who just became a father again, to just… nothingness. 

         “Why isn’t she crying?” I was so scared when she wasn’t crying and Justin’s face just topped it off, “Justin, why did they take her? Why wasn’t she crying?” I screamed.

         It took him a second to answer, he couldn’t even look at me at first, he stared into space and licked his lips and grabbed onto my hand. I remember it like it was yesterday, I remember every single second and every single detail.  “I don’t know baby, they probably had to just check some things out, it happens sometimes.” He kissed my forehead, “I love you Kendall, you look beautiful. I love you so much. Are you doing all right? Do you want some ice or something?”

         “I want my baby, where is she?”

         “I don’t know baby, I love you. You have no idea how much I love you.”

         “Alright Justin, you love me. Stop. Where’s my baby?”

         When I looked at the clock and saw it was already past nine, I went to JJ’s room. I’m surprised he’s not up yet, and of course now that I’m paranoid about everything I was scared something was wrong. I stood at the door of his room and saw him hiding under the covers, “JJ, where are you?”

         “Under here Mommy,” he answered softly, never removing the covers from his head.

         I lay down next to him and joined him under the covers, “Why are you under here?”

         “Thunder’s scary,” he answered curling up to me.  I need to get over Jenny Lynn and be thankful for what I have.  I am extremely grateful for JJ and I don’t know what I’d do without him, it’s just hard to know that I should have had another one almost as amazing as he is.

         “You should have come in Mommy’s room sweetie.”

         “Daddy says not to be scared cause it’s just God bowling.”

         “That’s very true,” I began.

         “But I don’t like bowling.”

         I had to laugh at his reasoning, “You love bowling.”

         “No suh, it’s too big.”

         “The little balls, remember? And they put the bumpers in?”

         “Oh yeah,” I saw a smile come over his small face, “Can we go?”

         I smiled, “Maybe tomorrow.” I love this kid so much, I really do.

         He nodded his head and looked up at me, “My tummy hurts.”

         “How come?”

         He shrugged, “I’m sad.”

         “Why are you sad?”

         “I dunno, I just am.”

         It’s like he knows, either that or he can tell I’m sad and he thinks he has to be too. “I think you’re just hungry. I’ll go make you some yummy chocolate chip pancakes. Sound good?”

         JJ nodded his head even though he still had that sad look covering his face.

         “Do you want to come downstairs with me or stay here in your fort?”

         “Stay here.”

         “OK Babe, I’ll call you when it’s ready and you can come down.”

         “K. Mommy guess what?”

         “What?”

         “I love you. You’re the best Mommy in the whole wide world!”

         I couldn’t open my mouth because I knew if I did I would cry. Instead, I smiled and hugged him tightly before safely making it out of the room so I could cry in peace.

~*~*~*~**~*~*

         Standing in front of MY house that is no longer my house in the pouring rain hearing the thunder on this day brought back too many memories. Bad memories, horrible memories, memories I wish I could forget. I knocked on the door and no one came to answer.  I could see Kendall inside but she was at the other end of the house, I knocked again.

         “Don’t you have a key?” my mother asked as she moved closer to the overhead so she wouldn’t get wet.

         “I don’t think it works.”

         My mother gave me one of her famous looks that tells me I’m a complete idiot, “I think it works Justin. Kendall doesn’t think you’re going to come in the middle of the night and steal her television.”

         It would technically be my television, so even if I were to ‘steal’ it, I would be taking something that is already mine.  The key actually did work, surprisingly enough. We walked inside and there was complete silence. “Ken? Are you here?” I called out and got no response.  We stopped at the doorway to the kitchen and watched as Kendall was beating whatever it is she’s making.  She had her back towards us and didn’t even notice we were there. “Kendall, we’re going to…” nothing. It’s as if she’s in a whole other dimension.  I looked over at my mother and her face told me exactly how she felt.  She let out a sigh and walked over to Kendall.

         “Sweetheart,” my mother said softly and turned Kendall around.  Her face was tearstained and as soon as she saw us she quickly wiped them away.  I know she wanted to tell us she was fine, but she couldn’t.  She hates to cry, especially in front of my mother.  She told me early on that I was the only one she could cry in front of.  I would imagine she no longer feels that way about me. Ken couldn’t even talk, she just continued crying, bawling this time and fell into my mother’s arms.  My mother and Ken were always close; both our families became close right away.  Her parents are amazing just like mine; we were very lucky in that aspect.  I’ve heard so many horror stories about the in-laws; it was very refreshing to find that she had a family so similar to mine.  It made spending the holidays away from my family much easier. But my mother and Kendall always had this special bond.  I don’t know what it is, maybe because they’re so much alike. My mother and I have always been extremely close, she was always my best friend and then Kendall came along and she kind of passed the torch.

         I figured I’d give them their moment alone and go find JJ. When I went to his room he was hiding under the covers. “What’s going on in here?”

         “Daddy!” he shouted and tried to get out from under the blankets but he was trapped.

         I laughed and helped him out, “What’s going on buddy?” He jumped on my lap and gave me a hug, “Are you scared of a little thunder?”

         “No Daddy, its just God bowling.”

         I smiled at that, I told him that. It still makes me proud when he says things I told him. I mean, I’ve been his father for four years and it never gets old.

         “I missed you Daddy! Are you coming home?”

         It hurts when he asks me that. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, he never used to ask, but now it seems like all he wants is for us to be in the same house. I feel ya man, I want to be back too. It’s your mother we have to deal with. “You missed me? You just saw me three days ago!” I chose not to acknowledge the second part.

         “Oh yeah, when we was in the desert.”

         He’s at the age that he remembers everything. I told him once that Vegas was in the desert and now he’s going to be telling everyone he was in the desert like we left him out there in the middle of nowhere. “Yeah man, when we were in the desert,” I answered with a chuckle, “Granny called me last night and said that she wants you to come sleep over at her house tonight. What do you think?”

         “Granny did?” his face lit up, “Are we going now?”

         “Yeah, let’s just get your things ready,” I stood up and walked to the closet to grab his bag.

         “Daddy guess what? Mommy’s making me chocolate chip pancakes!” I really wish the fact that my mother is making me chocolate chip pancakes lit up my life as much as it lights up his. I would give anything to have the same problems as a four year old, not a care in the world.

         “She is huh? You know what, I think Granny will make you some at her house.  She makes the best chocolate chip pancakes ever.”

         “No suh,” he giggled, “Mommy makes the best.”

         “No way, Granny puts extra chocolate chips.”

         “Oh yeah? But Mommy makes Mickey ones.”

         “How does she do that?”

         “Well first, you get the big one and then you get the little ones.”

         “How many little ones?”

         “Two silly, for the ears.”

         “Oh, ok then what?” I grabbed some clothes and put them in his bag as he explained.  

         “Then you get the chocolate chips and put a little for a eye,” I watched as he pretended he was making one on his bed, “And then a little more for the other eye. And then the nose and then a biiiig smile.”

         “Alright man, you know how to make those. Do you think you could show Granny how to make them?”

         “Yeah, I’m good at it.  Mommy says I’m faboolas”

         “Fabulous? You are.” I laughed and grabbed onto him, “Let’s try that counting thing again, try it upside down.”

         J laughed as I held him upside down but was able to count. He’s so smart, I know every parent thinks their kid is the smartest kid ever but he really is.  I don’t think he’s the smartest kid in the world, but he is smart.  And I’m sure it’s a possibility he is the smartest four year old at least in LA… maybe even California. I took him downstairs and noticed that my mother was still talking to Kendall, I don’t want to interrupt them and I sure as hell don’t want him to see his mother crying. “Oh no Daddy, I forgot Teddy!”

         “Oh no we can’t have that, go get him.”

         I stood in the doorway and watched my mother put a hand on either side of Kendall’s head and brought their faces right up to each other. I don’t know what she was saying but Kendall was nodding her head.  My mother wiped Kendall’s eyes and then her own before turning around and giving me a small smile. “Is he ready?” she hugged me and rubbed my back before running her hand over my face.

         “Yeah, he’s just going to get Teddy.”

         My mom nodded her head and hugged me again just as JJ came running down. 

         “Granny! Granny!”

         “How are you doin’ little Justin?” she asked as she picked him up, “Are you going to come stay with me for a little while?”

         “Yeah, but first I gotta have breakfast.  Mommy’s making me pancakes.”

         Kendall laughed and grabbed onto him, “Baby, Granny’s going to make them for you at her house.  I told her the secret and she is going to make them perfect. As long as you help her. Can you do that?”

         “No, I want you to make them,” he started pouting out his lip.

         “Oh, come on J, you were just telling me how you know how to make them.  Teach Granny? She was just telling me on the ride over here that she needs help making those Mickey pancakes.”

         “But I want Mommy to make them!”

         “Baby, Granny wants to make them for you.  If you don’t like them I’ll make you some tomorrow but I’m sure you’re going to love them.”

         My mother was always the strongest person I ever knew. I respect her so much because she’s always been so strong.  When I was younger we had our tough time, she and my father divorced when I was real little and my father disappeared for the most part. We didn’t have much money but she always made me feel like we were fine.  I know now, looking back, that there were times where she worried about not having enough money to pay the bills or to get food. But she never let me know.

         Kendall really is giving my mother a run for her money.  It was just seconds ago where she was standing there crying with my mother and then JJ comes down and they’re both smiling and laughing like it’s nothing. I don’t think I could do that.  Granted, I’m not really one to cry. I think I’ve cried a total of three times in my life.  One of which was a year ago today.

         “Alright baby, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun, be good.” Kendall gave him a hug and put him down.

         “Bye Mommy. Bye Daddy.”

         “Bye buddy, I’ll see you later alright?” he nodded his head before running into my arms, “Thanks Ma.”

         “Of course sweetie,” she said before hugging Kendall and then me, “Call me if you need me.”

          JJ and my mother left, leaving Kendall and me alone. I’m not exactly sure what to do next. I haven’t thought that far in advance yet.

         “Do you want some pancakes?” Kendall turned right back to the stove.

         “Sure” OK, I guess that’s how we’re going to deal with it, by doing what we do best: not talking about it.

         “So you mean we’re all set?”

         “Yes, everything is all set and you’re free to leave.” The doctor answered a very concerned Justin.

         “Wait, wait,” Justin held his hands up, “You’re just going to let us leave, with this baby?”

         I laughed as my usually strong and confident husband asked the question, “Yes Justin, he’s our baby, of course they’re going to just let us leave.” It was funny and also completely adorable to see how scared shitless Justin really was.

         “I mean, we don’t have to pass a test or anything? You’re not going to teach us anything? You’re just giving us this baby and sending us on our way?”

         “Do you have any questions, Mr. Timberlake? I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have.”

         “Yeah, I’ve got questions. Are you kidding?”

         “Alright, what can I help you with?”

         “Well to start, how do I put the car seat in?”

         The doctor laughed at his panicked question.

         “Justin, baby, my father put the car seat in. It’s all set, we’re fine. He’s just a little nervous.” I assured the doctor. The last thing we need is this guy thinking he’s crazy and not giving us our little son to take home. Our son, it’s so weird to say that. It’s so weird that he’s not in my belly anymore, now he’s right there, the most adorable little baby in the whole world.  “Thanks so much for all your help, doctor.”

         “Of course, if there’s anything else I can do please let me know. Call us if you have any questions.”

         “We will, thank you.” I said as we headed to the elevator, “You can’t act crazy, they’re going to think something’s wrong with you and not let us take the little one home,” I laughed as we made it down to the car.

         “I am crazy. How are you not nervous about this? He’s so little. What if we break him?”

         “We’re not going to break him Justin. We’ve got it covered. We went to all those classes, we’ve both been around kids our whole lives.”

         “Yeah, but not our kid. I’ve never been around a kid straight from the… uterus.”

         I giggled and kissed his lips gently, “I love you so much.”

         Justin gave me that cute half smile he has as we walked to the car. “It’s just finally setting in that we have a kid.”

         “I know, it’s kind of crazy, huh? A real, live baby. With all his fingers and toes and he’s alive and he’s breathing and he’s adorable.”

         “Of course he’s alive and breathing. And adorable, come on now, he is my kid.”

         I rolled my eyes as Justin wrapped his right arm around my waist, his left hand holding onto the carrier. “He looks more like me though, that’s what everyone says.”

         “He looks exactly like me, what are you talking about? My mother went home to get my baby pictures to compare. She says we won’t be able to tell the difference.”

         “I hope he turns out just like you, except for maybe a couple things.”

         “Like what?” he pretended to be shocked I’d suggest such a thing.

         “Um… well I hope he doesn’t snore like you.”

         “I don’t snore!”

         “You do. You need to come to terms with it. It’s not that bad, but you definitely snore, just a little.”

         “If I snore a little than you snore a lot.”

         “Yeah, except I don’t snore at all.”

         “Whatever you say,” Justin said with a chuckle as he drove us home. “So what do you think? Are we going to have some time just the three of us or is there going to be a crowd of people there when we get home?”

         “The three of us, that’s so cool.” I think it’s going to take me a long time to get used to that. “It’ll just be the three of us. I told them to give us some time. I’m exhausted, the little one is exhausted, we all need a night of relaxing.”

         “Yeah that sounds good to me. How are you feeling by the way?”

         “Wonderful, I’m walking on air,” I smiled as he pulled into the driveway, “I’m so relieved the labor is over and we have our baby.”

         “Me too,” he kissed my forehead before grabbing the little one from the backseat. “I’m glad I get to hold him, and I’m even happier I have the next four months off to spend every second with the two of you.”

         “I’m really excited about that too. I’m so proud you learned to say no to work stuff.”

         “Of course. Like I’m really going to go on tour a month after my first son is born.”

         “Your first? Are you planning on having more?” I asked with a smile.

         “Sure, a couple more. A girl next though, gotta keep it balanced.”

         “Yeah, and we already have the room set up.”

         Justin laughed, “Come on, you have to admit you’re glad we didn’t find out. It was much more exciting when the doctor said, It’s a boy! Than it would have been if they told us months ago from an ultrasound.”

         “I admit it, you were right.”

         When it was time to decide if we wanted to know the sex of the baby, Justin was absolutely against it. I, on the other hand, wanted to know. Not because I wanted to ruin the surprise, I just thought it would be more useful to know. How would we know how to decorate the nursery? What kind of clothes should we buy? I didn’t want to dress the baby in all yellow, unisex clothing. Half the fun is finding the cute little blue or pink outfits. Justin wouldn’t hear it. He wanted to go out into the waiting room and announce to the world if our new addition was a boy or a girl.

         So his solution was to have two rooms. We’d decorate each one completely, one for a girl, one for a boy. Then we’d be all set when the time came. If the baby were a girl, we’d put her in the nursery next to our room. But the baby was a boy, so he went into the Jungle themed room across the hall. When Justin surprised me with his solution, I think I cried. Sure, it had a lot to do with the fact that I cried about almost everything during my pregnancy, but it really was thoughtful. It’s nice to have money, something I never really got used to. It seemed like it was kind of a waste, but I knew deep down that some day I’d get my girl, and the room would be put to good use.

         “Ken, the pancakes!” I shouted causing her to jump a foot in the air. She’s drifting off to some other land, I can’t say I blame her. “Sit down, I’ll take care of it,” I led her to the table and grabbed the spatula so I could flip the burnt pancakes into the trash.

         “Thanks for coming,” she spoke softly.

         “Oh yeah, of course.”

         “I was really worried about how I was going to get through the day with JJ.”

         “It’s not a problem, don’t worry about it,” I answered before pouring the batter into the frying pan. “How are you feeling?”

         “Horrible. How about you?”

         “Yeah, pretty bad.” I agreed. It would be helpful if I knew what to say. I’ve never been so clueless in my life. I’m usually good with talking, with communicating. I mean fuck, it’s my job to talk to people and be interviewed, why can’t I find the words to talk to my own wife? “Maybe if we talked…”

         “Not today, Justin.  Please don’t even start that today.”

         I wanted to yell at her and ask her when the fuck she wants to talk about it. It’s been a year, a fucking year. The whole ignoring it thing obviously isn’t working so maybe talking about it is worth a try. But she doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to ignore it and hold in all inside her until she bursts. I think she’s pretty close to bursting now.

         The doctor sat us down in his office. I don’t know why he bothered, but he insisted we go to his office. It’s not like we didn’t know what was going on. At least I knew what was going on. I’m not so sure about Kendall. I think she thought it wasn’t as serious as it was; she had some faith that it would all work out. She always used to be like that. She’d always find the good in the situation. She’s lost that quality, along with many other ones, since that day.

         I phased out the second he told us we lost the baby. Even though I already knew, it became real the second he told us. Not even to mention how real it was with Kendall screaming and asking him why, over and over again. I can still hear it.

         “It’s very uncommon…”

         “Then why did it happen?” Kendall cried before the doctor could finish.

         “Before labor, there are so many liquids that it’s impossible for the umbilical cord to get stuck in any one position. As soon as your water breaks, and the baby is trying to get into the position in the womb, that’s where the problem happened. Usually, if this happens, the nurses are able to remove the cord before any harm is done.”

         “Well why the hell didn’t they remove the cord then?” I asked the question. Now I’m getting pissed, we don’t need to know about how rare it is or how the nurses can usually fix it. Why the fuck didn’t they fix it? Why the fuck is my baby dead?

         “I’m afraid it’s not always possible. When your water broke, the baby wasn’t pushing against the cervix in the right position, so the cord wrapped around her neck before we were able to get in there and remove it.”

         I ran my hands through my hair; I can’t listen to this anymore.

         “I want to see her.” Kendall spoke strongly before wiping the tears from her eyes.

         “What?” I shouted, “No, no you don’t. You can’t. You don’t want to see her, Kendall. Listen to me, you don’t.”

         “Yes I do. I need to, I want to see what she looks like.”

         “What she looks like?” I screamed. “You can’t see her Ken. She doesn’t look like…” I cut myself off. She doesn’t look like a baby, she looks like a corpse, what am I supposed to say? She was tiny, she was blue, I can’t even fucking think about it. I know that image will be in my mind forever, for those few seconds I did see her. But I can’t let Kendall see her; it will only make things worse.

         “I want to see her!” Kendall shouted between tears, “She’s my baby and I have the right to see her. I don’t want her alone. She’s alone right now; I want to be with her. I want to see her!”

         “I’m afraid I can’t let you see her, Mrs. Timberlake. The hospital offers grievance counseling, I strongly suggest you take advantage of it.”

         “So that’s it?” Ken cried. “That’s it? I’m just supposed to leave without my baby? I’m just supposed to go home, with an empty car seat and go into her empty room? And when everyone asks me how my baby is I’m just supposed to tell them that she’s dead because my FUCKING UMBILICAL CORD STRANGLED HER???”

         “I’m so sorry, if there’s anything else we can do…”

         “Yeah, you can give me my fucking baby! You can stop this bullshit and hire fucking nurses that know how to do their jobs! You can warn me about this shit and tell me what the fuck I should have done to make sure this rare, almost impossible to happen thing doesn’t happen to my fucking baby!”

         “Alright,” I stood up and grabbed onto my wife, pulling her into a tight hug. That was when I cried, that moment right there. I couldn’t hold it back anymore, I’d been trying for the majority of the day, but it was at that moment that I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t give a fuck who saw me crying, my fucking baby girl died before I even got to hold her. “We’re leaving, come on baby, let’s go home.”

         “I’m not going home! I don’t want to go home without my baby! I want to see her! Why can’t I see her?”

         “You don’t want to see her. Trust me, you don’t want to see her. It’s going to be alright, we’re going to go home and everything is going to be alright.”

         When we left the hospital after I gave birth to JJ they gave us a pacifier, a blanket, a diaper bag full of diapers and wipes, a hat and tee shirt, and a bunch of pamphlets explaining how to take care of a newborn. And of course, obviously, we got our son. After Jenny Lynn they gave us one two page pamphlet giving us numbers to call for “support” and a book to read to JJ to explain why we weren’t coming home with the sister he was promised. A book. They gave us a book.

         The doctor left Justin and I in his office. I’m not sure how long we were in there but I’m sure it was awhile. I kept saying how I wanted to see her and Justin kept saying there was no way he would let me. I cried and cried for what seemed like hours and Justin held on to me tightly, never saying a word. There was nothing he could say, he couldn’t tell me it was going to be alright because he was as sad and pissed off as I was. He was the only one that understood what I was going through. Sure, everyone tried to put themselves in our shoes, but there’s no feeling like loosing a child, especially one you never got to meet.

         I could tell he was crying too but I was too scared to look at his face and actually see it. I’d never seen him cry and I knew it would make it even worse. He was trying his hardest to calm me down but he needed someone there to calm him down too. I was surprised that he let go enough to cry; usually he’s so focused on being the strong male that can’t show any emotions that he puts up walls. I guess there’s some things in life that even the biggest of walls can’t hide.

         When we both finally calmed down enough to go back into public we left the doctor’s office and met our family in the waiting room. I went right to JJ and hugged him harder than I’ve ever hugged him before. “Mommmmy,” he giggled, “You’re hugging me too hard!”

         “I’m sorry, I just missed you.”

         “I was right here!” he giggled again as I let him go. “Daddy!” as he ran to his father I fell in my mother’s arms.

         “I can’t do this right now,” I whispered because that’s all I could manage to get out. I knew if I stayed in my mothers arms and then moved down to my fathers, then my sisters, then Justin’s mother and so on I’d loose it. I can’t have that, especially not in front of JJ.

         “You don’t have to,” my mother assured me. “We’re going to take JJ out of your hands for a little while. You and Justin do what you need to do.”

         I nodded my head and broke away from my mother and gave JJ one last hug before waving and leaving everyone. I wasn’t sure where I was going but I knew I needed to get away from everyone. I felt Justin’s arm around my waist and looked to see he was with me, I hadn’t even noticed.

         “We should head home and get some rest.”

         I nodded my head again as we walked on to the elevator. Justin held me closer as the elevator went down to the parking garage. “This is all a nightmare right? We’re going to wake up any second.”

         “I hope so,” Justin answered in a whisper before kissing my forehead.

         I sat down at the kitchen table across from Kendall in silence. She was just sitting there, looking into space, as if that plate of pancakes wasn’t even sitting there in front of her. I ate my pancakes, but watched her carefully. It’s like she’s in a different world. She drives me crazy with this whole thing. I know it’s fucking hard, but she just trys to ignore everything and she’s never going to deal with it. I know she’s thinking about that day, just like she has been every fucking day for the past year. Don’t get me wrong, I think about it every day too but I’ve been able to carry on my life. I’m not so sure she has.

         “Maybe we should uh…” I began but stopped when I realized I had no idea what we should do. Well, I know we should talk but I’ve tried that already so I’m not going to get her more upset just yet. Although we will talk at some point today, I don’t care if I have to tie her down and make her. “Ken. Kendall… Ken!”

         “Huh?” she snapped out of her daze.

         “Aren’t you going to eat your pancakes?”

         “I’m not really hungry,” she shrugged.

         “Well what do you want to do today?”

         “I don’t know Justin,” she’s annoyed with me already.

         “OK. We’ll just… sit then.”

         Two weeks after the day… I don’t know how to refer to it so we’ll just call it THE DAY, we still hadn’t talked about anything. Kendall spent her days, and her nights for that matter, in bed. She’d get up for maybe a total of an hour a day, when I made her eat dinner. She didn’t eat any other meal, and hardly even ate her dinner.

         “Ken,” I made my way to our room one night and sat down next to her in bed.

         “What justin?” she just about shouted at me.

         “I’m putting JJ to bed but he’s been asking about you. I mean, you always tuck him in and it’s been two weeks since you have. I know…”

         “Justin, I’m sorry but I’m kind of...”

         “I know,” I answered quickly before she could finish, “It’s just that he’s getting really confused and he thinks he’s in trouble that’s why you’re not coming in to tuck him in or why you’re not playing with him anymore. I know it’s hard baby, believe me I know. But we have to try to deal with it and take care of the son we do have.”

         She didn’t answer me, or make any movement. I wasn’t sure if I got her thinking or if she wasn’t even listening to what I was saying. JJ called me so I left her alone, once again.

         “Hey Buddy,” I said as I walked into his room and sat on his bed, “Are you all set?”

         “No silly, you gotta read me a story!”

         “Of course, which one do you want?”

         “I waannnttt…” JJ began as he jumped out of bed and headed for his bookshelf. I took that as my chance to clean up his room a little, or at least put some of his toys away. I feel like a single parent and that’s no fun.

         There was a soft knock on the door and I looked up to see Kendall standing in the doorway. The corners of her lips almost formed a smile when JJ noticed her and ran into her arms, “Mommy! Are you gonna read me a story too?”

         “Yes sir, pick a good one, alright?”

         “I am, I am, I will, I will!”

         She sat down next to me on JJ’s bed and placed her hand on my map, “I’m sorry for… you know…”

         I nodded my head, “it’s OK,” I whispered back just as our son jumped into bed.

         “Alright, alright, I’m ready. I picked my book!” he said holding the book the doctor gave us in front of his mother. I don’t know what it is about this book but he wants to read it just about every night. It’s a good book, I supposed, but it’s a good book to read once, maybe once a month if need be but definitely not every night. I even tried buying him a whole shelf of new books, Spiderman and Sponge Bob, but all he wants to do is read this book from the doctor that says we thought we were getting a baby but we got an angel instead.

         It’s not even reading the book over and over that gets to me, it’s the questions that come along with it.  “Is Jenny Lynn an angel Daddy?” Yes JJ. “Does she live in a cloud?” Yes JJ. “Does she like it up there?” “Can she see me always, even when I’m sleeping?”

         The point is I’m pretty sure Kendall does not need to go through this right now, “Let’s pick another one, alright buddy?”

         “No, it’s fine,” Ken answered as she grabbed the book from his hands. She hasn’t read it yet so she doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into but I can assure the world it’s not going to be good. But, I’m learning to keep my mouth shut and let her do what she wants to do because I’m only making her angrier.

         I should have spoken up and made her read ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ but I didn’t and she only got two pages into the book before throwing it on the bed and running back to our room. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do but I knew I couldn’t exactly leave JJ there thinking he did something wrong, so I stayed with him and gave her some more time to herself.

         “How come Mommy’s so mad?”

         “She’s not mad Justin, she’s just sad. Mommy really misses Jenny Lynn.”

         “But how come? Jenny Lynn is an angel and she’s in heaven watching over us. She wasn’t supposed to be here cause God wanted her in heaven.”

         I nodded my head to buy some time before I had to answer. At least I know he pays attention to the book, maybe Ken should read it and it could help her out too. “I know, it’s just hard sometimes. But don’t worry about Mommy, she’ll be fine. You need to get to bed, so let’s finish the story fast and then it’s sleepy time.”

         After finishing the book I tucked him in bed and then went back to our bedroom. Kendall was laying there with her back towards me, like always. I couldn’t tell if she was crying or not but I took a deep breath before I said what I was about to say. “I think we should go to a counselor.”

         She didn’t answer me, or even make any kind of movement telling me she was even listening. “Ken, do you hear me?”

         “Yes, I’m not going to a counselor.”

         “I just think that we need to sit down and get everything out and really talk about it.”

         “We don’t need to talk about it to some stranger that’s going to tell the world about what we’re saying.”

         “That’s not going to happen,” I assured her, “there’s codes, these people are doctors it’s not like we’re just going to some guy off the street.”

         “Justin, two weeks ago I hid in the trunk of a fucking SUV so those assholes wouldn’t take pictures of me leaving the hospital without my baby.”

         Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean? This is somehow my fault? “Look Ken, I’m sorry about hat but it’s not my fault, I mean you knew when we first started dating…”

         “Don’t give me that shit.” She cut me off before I could finish, “it’s not about that. I don’t need some guy that has no idea what I’m going through to tell me how to deal with something he could never even imagine having to deal with himself.”

         “They’re trained. What would it hurt? You don’t want to talk to me, you don’t want to talk to your sister, you won’t talk to anyone. What do you think it’s just going to magically go away? do you think you’re just going to wake up one morining and be fine? I’ll ask around and I’ll look around and I’ll find a good one, one that knows what he’s doing. I’m going.”

         “Well have fun. I’m not.”      

         I took a deep breath before standing up, “Maybe you need to think abut this more Kendall because this, what you’re doing now, isn’t helping anything. you have a son, you have a husband, and we need you. JJ can’t keep seeing you like this. I know how hard it is but staying in bed 23 hours a day isn’t going to do anything but bring you into a deeper depression. I’m sleeping in the spare room.”

         I’ve been sitting here across the table from Kendall for the past hour. She’s not saying anything, or even moving, she’s just looking into space. This isn’t helping anything, although I’m not surprised. I’m not going to spend my whole day sitting here looking into space with her. It’s bullshit and she needs to do something so she’s not like this forever.

         “Let’s do something.”

         I was surprised that she answered me right away, “Yeah, let’s bake a cake or something, that’ll be fun.”

         Sarcasm. The bitch is back.

         “Or we could talk about it, that’s more where I was going.”

         She glared at me, “There’s nothing to talk about.”

         “How can you honestly say there’s nothing to talk about, Kendall?”

         “Because there’s not. We were supposed to have a daughter right now and we don’t. We have a cherry blossom tree where her ashes are spread instead. There’s nothing else to say.”

         “Do you blame me?”

         She licked her lips before shaking her head and answering softly, “Not anymore.”

         “But you did?”

         “You were late. I wanted you to be there for it so I held her in. I didn’t push when they told me to because you weren’t there. I should have pushed when they said to push.”

         I saw a tear roll down her face and wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I know it’s hard for her to talk about it but at least she’s said something. This is the first time in a year that she’s even acknowledged it happened. “That had nothing to do with it.”

         “The doctor said it only happens after the water breaks. If I would have pushed quicker she would have come out faster and the nurses would have been able to untangle the cord,” she sniffled back the tears, “I really don’t want to talk about it Justin.”

         “It’s been a year and you still don’t want to talk about it. You thought you could deal with it yourself, you didn’t need to go see someone to help, and you don’t want to talk about it with anyone. I thought that’s what you needed, I gave you time, but it’s been a year. Obviously none of that helped because you still can’t even talk about it without breaking down. You still want to ignore it. Don’t you think maybe it’s time to try something new?”

         Now she’s laughing, or crying, I can’t tell which it is but I sure as hell know she’s not happy. “I lost my fucking baby Justin!!!” she shouted.

         “So did I!” I screamed back, “For Christ’s sake Kendall, so did I. And I lost my son too, and my wife, and my house and my whole fucking life. Don’t act like I don’t know we lost our baby. I lost everything, don’t act like you’re the only one.”

         It took her a second to answer, as if she’s never even considered it before. When she spoke again she was much quieter, “You left me Justin. So don’t act like it’s all on me and I’m the only one here with issues.”

         “I never left you, I would never leave you. What are you talking about?”

         “You left. You fucking went to New York for two months and left me alone to deal with everything.”

         I licked my lips nervously before responding softly, “It was a month after and I had to go, it was for work.”

         “It was three weeks after and if she was alive you never would have gone. You stayed home after JJ was born for a year.”

         “You weren’t talking to me. You weren’t talking to anybody. I didn’t think you wanted me here,” I admitted.

         “That’s such bullshit. You left. You left me to deal with everything all by myself.  It was too much shit and you couldn’t handle it so you left. And I was stuck at home trying to take care of JJ while still walking past her room ten times a fucking day. You got to escape it and you left me all alone.”

         I don’t know what to say to that. I know I shouldn’t have left, I knew I shouldn’t have when I did, and it drove me crazy the whole time I was in New York. I’ve regretted it since before I even left. But, to my defense, she wasn’t talking to me, or anybody and I thought she wanted time to be away from me… there’s no excuse. I fucked up. “My mother…”

         “Your mother is amazing,” she broke in before I could finish, “but she’s not you. Yeah, I had your mother and my mom and my sister and Rachael but none of them are you. You were the only one in the whole world that got what I was going through, what I was feeling, and you left. It was almost worse with everyone here because it was so constant. I know they were just trying to help, and they did, to some extent, but it was too much. I needed you, not my mom, not anyone else but you.  But I couldn’t have you because you were off touring the east coast trying to get your mind off of the shit I was being reminded of fifty times a day. I had to walk by her room and see all the empty bottles and the packages of diapers. I had to get all the sympathy cards and the flowers with everyone telling me how sorry they are, combined with the congratulations baskets people sent before they heard. I had to get sympathy looks, when I finally went outside again, from complete strangers. It’s not fair. It wasn’t fair then and it’s still not fair. I can’t just get over it. I can’t just move on because she’s my baby and she’s gone and I never even got to hold her. I never even got to see her.”

         “I’m sorry,” I stood up so I could hold her.

         “For what?” she asked with a sniffle.

         “Leaving. I really thought you didn’t want me around. I hated seeing you like that, I still do, and I wanted to be able to help you but I couldn’t, and it killed me. So I left, I thought I gave you time to deal with it without me.”

         It was a few weeks after I got back from my short tour and Kendall hardly even acknowledged that I was home. It’s not like I expected her to run into my arms but I don’t think she’s said a word to me she didn’t have to. Kendall was downstairs doing laundry, a place she tends to spend most of her time. I was happy to see her out of bed, but it was still going to be a far journey until she’s back to her usual self.

I sat on the couch watching Monday night football when I heard JJ next to me. “Daddy, can I have ice cream?”

         I looked over at him then back at the television.  I knew I had been neglecting him the past few weeks and I’m sure he has no idea why. “Yeah man, how are you doing?”

         He giggled and followed me into the kitchen, “Goooood.”

         “Just good?” I helped him up on the counter and got ice cream out of the freezer, “J, I know things have been a little hectic here the past few weeks.  We haven’t been doing too much together, do you want to go to the park tomorrow?”

         “Guess what Daddy? I went swimming and there was a lizard! A real live lizard! In the pool! And he was swimming!”

         “Alright cool.  So park tomorrow?”

         “He was green and he had a spot on his nose and back. And he was swimming! It was so funny!” JJ has no interest in anything other than the lizard and his ice cream.  I should have known that he is three years old and doesn’t understand everything that’s going on.  He sure as hell doesn’t feel like anything is different. At least I hope not, I don’t want him to go around feeling neglected.

         “That’s awesome, how big was it?”

         “It was like this big Daddy” he held his hands out as far as he could, “And he was smiling at me.”

         “Now I know you’re telling me stories,” I laughed, “Was he singing to you too?”

         “No silly, lizards don’t sing.”

         “Are you sure?”

         “Yeah, only Daddies sing.”

         “All Daddies?”

         “Duh.”

         “Duh?” I laughed as I slid the ice cream over to him, “You sound like Mommy, duh.” I mimicked.

         He giggled before grabbing a spoonful. I never realize how much I miss my son until I’m away from him. I shouldn’t have gone on that tour, that was a stupid move.  My family needed me and I ran away like a coward. That’s not me.

         I heard Kendall coming up the stairs and JJ’s face looked like he was scared to death. She came through the room with a basket of laundry; the laundry room has become her sanctuary. She is always down there, it’s where she can be alone and do her own thing without anyone bothering her. “Hey Babe, want some ice cream?”

         “No.” she answered quickly, not even bothering to look at either of us. She turned, placed the basket on the couch in the other room and then walked back in, “J, I said no ice cream.”

         This is the problem with naming your son by the same name.  It’s pure confusion. She did not tell me no ice cream so she must be referring to the little one.

         “Justin.” she repeated, this time eyeing me.

         “What?”

         “I told him no ice cream and then he comes up here and you give him ice cream.”

         “I didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to have ice cream,” I answered honestly.  How am I supposed to know what she tells him?

         “JJ, go upstairs.” I helped him down and he grabbed onto his ice cream and walked out of the room, “Leave your ice cream, I said no.”

         “But Daddy said yes.”

         This could be serious trouble. “If Mommy said no then you can’t have it.” I said as I grabbed it from his hands and he stormed off.

         “Why did you give him ice cream?”

         “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.”

         “It’s nine o’clock at night, he should be in bed.”

         “I gave him a scoop, it’s not going to kill him.” Bad choice of words. I saw Kendall’s eyes start to water, “I mean…”

         “The sugar is going to keep him up all night. Are you going to stay up with him all night?”

         “Sure Kendall, if a scoop of ice cream keeps him up all night I would love to stay with him all night.”

         She took a deep breath, “It’s just the point Justin.  When I say no you can’t just go and say yes.”

         “I didn’t know you said no!” I shouted, “What do you think I’m fucking psychic?”

         “It’s kind of common sense. You know, at nine o’clock at night you probably shouldn’t give your three year old son an ice cream sundae.”

         “A fucking scoop. Relax.  You’re acting like I fed the kid speed.”

         “Yeah, call my son ‘the kid’ one more time Justin.”

         I took a deep breath and walked away from her.  I’ve found it helps to just walk away from her when she’s acting crazy.  It gives her time to cool off although that night it didn’t work. We were both at our breaking point, ready to burst over the slightest thing. I went upstairs and helped JJ get ready for bed.

         “Daddy, I really wanted ice cream.”

         I laughed as I grabbed a book to read to him and pulled him on my lap, “I know buddy, but if Mommy says no that doesn’t mean you come and ask me.”

         “Yeah but Mommy said no cause she’s being mean. Next time I’ll just ask you first.”

         “No J, you have to go easy on Mommy, she’s having a hard time. Maybe we should wake up early tomorrow and make her breakfast.”

         “Daddy,” he giggled, “You’re silly.”

         I laughed, not exactly sure how that makes me silly but he’s just too damn cute.  “Is this book alright?” I asked, holding up a Dr Seuss.

         “Yeah, cause I lost the other one, that’s my favorite.”

         “What one did you loose?”

         “The angel one, bout Jenny Lynn.”

         “When did you loose it?”

         “When you left. Mommy read it once and then I losted it. I looked everywhere too Daddy, I don’t know where it went.”

         Well buddy, I’m sure the reason why you can’t find it is because your mother took it. I’m surprised she was able to read it even once. I really wish she would go see someone.

         “I’ll help you look for it tomorrow, it’s gotta be around here somewhere.”

         “Yeah, it’s gotta be,” he repeated and handed me the Dr Seuss.

After reading the story and tucking him in I went to our bedroom and sat down on the bed watching Kendall putting the clothes away.  I could tell she was still in her mood so I thought I’d just sit there and mind my own business. I grabbed my book from the nightstand and tried to give her her space. I looked up at her and noticed she was crying. She was really crying over ice cream. “Baby calm down, I didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to have it.  He didn’t eat a lot and he’s asleep now.”

         Kendall shook her head and went into the closet to put the clothes away.  I could see her wiping her eyes.  She came back in and started crying harder, “I want a divorce.”

         “What?” that was not what I expected; I never expected that in my life.  Kendall couldn’t even talk she was crying so much, “Baby, what are you talking about?” I stood up and tried to hug her but she moved away from me.

         “I want a divorce.” She repeated.

         “Over ice cream? Come on baby.”

         “No, not over ice cream.”

         “Then why?”

         “I’m not happy. We’re not happy.”

         “Of course we’re not happy Ken. We lost our fucking baby three months ago.”

         She started crying again, even harder if that was possible.  Just the mention of the baby put her over the edge, I should have known better it always does. But it’s a stressful situation, we’re not going to be happy for a long time, it happens.  “I’m just not happy.”

         “And breaking up our family will make you happy?”

         She sniffled back the tears and wiped her eyes, taking a minute to answer, “I don’t know. All I know is I’m not happy and I can’t live like this Justin, I can’t.”

         I grabbed onto her and did not let her get away, “Kendall, baby, listen to me. I know you’re not happy, I’m not happy. No one would be happy right now if they were going through what we’re going through. But we’re going to make it, we need to give it time.”

         “I can’t give it time, I’m giving it time. I’ve given it time and it’s not working. I just want to be happy again.”

         I realize now that she was just upset and going through all the stress but at the time I took it very personally.  I felt like I was the reason why she wasn’t happy and she was blaming me for it. “I don’t know why you think that leaving and fucking up our whole family is going to make things better. What about JJ? That will make him happy? Having his mom and dad living in different houses is going to make him happy?”  She didn’t answer and that made me even more upset and made me raise my voice even louder, “I know how you feel about loosing Jenny Lynn baby. I get it. But you need to move on and focus on the family that you have. Don’t ruin that too.”

         “I just want to be happy,” she answered in a whisper.

         “Then go get fucking happy Ken! If it’s that easy, go for it.  If you think all you have to do is leave to be happy then fucking go.”

         She didn’t answer me but she threw some of her things in a bag.

         “I’m taking JJ,” she answered.

         “Bullshit, you are not taking him.”

         “Justin, I’m his mother,” the tears were back.

         “And I’m his fucking father. He’s sleeping. It’s ten o’clock at night; you are not waking him up to go stay in a hotel room so you can get happy.  It won’t make him happy. So you go ahead, have fun and get happy. But you’re not taking him.”

         “I’m taking him. I won’t take him now because it’s late but I am taking him. I’ll be back tomorrow to get him.”

         “You can’t just come back and take him Kendall. It doesn’t work like that. You can come back and stay, but you can’t come back and take him and leave again. There’s no fucking way.”

         “He’s my SON Justin!”

         “I get that. He’s my son too. You can’t take him. Do you need me to call my lawyer to explain that to you?”

         “Oh nice, pull the fucking lawyer card.”

         “I’m going to pull the fucking lawyer card if you’re going to try to take him, it’s bullshit.”

         “You’re being a complete asshole.”

         “Maybe. I guess I need to be a complete asshole when you try to take my son because you want to get happy.  But we can involve the lawyers if that’s what you want. You’re obviously not real stable right now so I’m not worried.”

         “Fuck you, I’m stable! Like what, you think the judge is going to think you’re a better parent? Why? Because you live out of a suitcase 60% of the year? Yeah, that’s a great environment for a three year old.”

         “Right, better than a mother that can’t get out of bed and hides his fucking books because she can’t deal with it.”

         The look on her face made me realize I had gone too far and wish I could take it back.

         “You’re a complete asshole, I hate you. That was low, even for you. I can’t believe I wasted so much fucking time on you.  We’ll get the lawyers involved, and we’ll get this divorce done so fucking fast. Then you can go tour all year and you won’t have me holding you back. You can go do what you really care about and not get stuck in the fucking family mode.”

         “Oh really, yeah. You got me all figured out Ken.”

         “It’s true, that’s all you ever wanted.”

         “If that’s what I wanted I would have fucking done it. I had it, and I stopped it. Don’t act like I don’t want a family, you know damn well that’s not true.”

         “Whatever, I can’t look at you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

         “Yeah, go get happy.”

         “The sun,” I looked out the window surprised to see the sun. “I thought it’d be stormy all day.”

         “Nah,” Justin said as he stood up and headed to the sliding glass doors, “It can’t stay gray forever, there’s gotta be sun sometime.”

         He walked out to the yard and I followed him, basically because I don’t want to be alone. “Where are you going?”

         “JJ said there was some tapping on his window. I figure a branch,” he stood under JJ’s bedroom window and looked up, “Yeah, that branch.” Justin climbed up the tree and pulled the branch down as if it were a toothpick. He smiled as he jumped down and tossed the branch in the woodpile. “He’ll be fine now. Shouldn’t be running to our room at night… your room.”

         Before I could stop myself I ran into his arms and hugged him tighter than I ever have before. I didn’t let go, I doubt I could if I wanted to, but I didn’t want to.

         “Whoa,” he chuckled, “It’s not that big of a deal Ken. It took a second.”

         “I couldn’t do it though. He kept telling me and I said I’d fix it but I didn’t know how.”

         “Well, you gotta call me for that stuff, Ken. I’ll come buy and do it, it only takes a second.” He paused for a second but I still didn’t let go, “Are you alright?”

         “No. I couldn’t do it without you. There’s so many things I can’t do without you,” he didn’t say anything, I’m sure he’s in some kind of shock. I’m not exactly the kind of girl that likes to show weakness. I mean, I’d never admit this under normal situations but it’s almost like I can’t even control myself. “I’m sorry Justin. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing, I wasn’t thinking straight, and I really fucked it up.”

         Justin placed a hand on either of my shoulders and moved me away from him so he could look in my eyes, “What are you talking about?”

         “Everything. You were dealing with the same stuff I was dealing with, but you did it the right way. I should have listened to you. I should have let you help me but I was too busy thinking everyone was out to get me and no one understood me to listen. But you, of all people, were trying to help me and I just didn’t listen. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, obviously getting divorced wasn’t going to solve anything. I just wish I would have… I mean… we’ve never had problems. We never fought, and it was like such a huge fight. We were both like, completely evil. You did everything right though. I couldn’t have asked you to do anything differently but at the time it was like no matter what you could do it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t your fault though, they were my issues. My inability to deal with everything. And I took it all out on you, like you didn’t care, like didn’t lose your little girl too.”

         Justin licked his lips and wiped the tears off my face before kissing my forehead and bringing me into a tight hug. “Let’s go inside, it looks like the rain’s coming back.”

         “OK,” I answered softly but held on to him tighter. I really don’t want to let go. I don’t want to ever let go of him, I don’t know why I ever let him go in the first place but it’s like it all just hit me. A loud crack of thunder made me jump and hold onto him even tighter as the rain started to pour down.

         “Ken, come on.”

         “I don’t want to let go of you.”

         “You don’t have to let go of me but we’re standing under the biggest tree in the yard in the middle of a lightning storm. I’m thinking this isn’t the best idea.”

         “I shouldn’t have let you go.”

         “OK, but there’s still the whole issue of the lightning so maybe we should resume this in the house.”

         “I’m sorry I made you go.”

         “Alright, it’s ok. Fuck Ken, come on.” He said before lifting me up and running in the house.  I laughed as he placed me on the floor and headed to the bathroom to get a towel with him following closely behind me before speaking, “It’s not funny.”

         “Yes, it is. You’ve always been so scared of lightning,” I said as I grabbed a towel from the shelf.

         “I am not scared of lightning.”

         “Yes you are,” I laughed and wrapped a towel around his shoulders, “It’s cute.”

         “In that case, I’m so fucking scared of lightning.”

         “And you’re sure you know your way around here?”

         “Ken I grew up here.”

         “Alright, I’m just checking,” she giggled, “Because it would be ok for you admit you don’t know where you are.  I wouldn’t think of you as any less of a man.”

         “You’re a comedian huh?” I laughed as I grabbed onto her hand. We had only been together a couple months but were home for the holidays.  “You wanted to go on a hike, we’re going on a hike country girl.”

         “I know, it’s just when I go on a hike near my house there’s like a path of some sort. We usually don’t have to like climb through the woods.”

         I put my arm over her shoulder, “We’re off roading it.”

         “You really have no idea where we are, do you?”

         I laughed; I couldn’t do much else but laugh. It’s true; I had no idea where the hell we were.  This was still at the beginning of the relationship where I was trying to impress her in every way possible. Kendall laughed and shook her head.

         “You’re insane, should we send up a flare or something? Do you have any idea?”

         “I know where we are Kendall. We’re in the woods behind my house, I know this place like the back of my hand.”

         “OK, it’s just that I’m pretty sure we’ve passed that tree like ten times.”

         I chuckled as I tried to figure out how the hell to get us out of here. “Alright then, Miss Smarty Pants. How do we get out of here then? Miss I used to play in the woods all the time?”

         She laughed and rolled her eyes; “I played in the woods behind my house, not your house. If we were behind my house I would have had us home by now.”

         “We’re fine. Is it really all that bad if we’re lost in the woods? No one’s around…” I began as I kissed her hand.

         “Except for squirrels and coyotes,” she laughed, “This is all a cheap attempt to get in my pants?”

         “I don’t need a cheap plan to get in your pants.”

         “Yeah I know, they just fall down when you come close,” she answered sarcastically.

         “Don’t try and fight it, you know you want it”

         Kendall laughed out loud at that one, “You have me figured out. We need to get out of here, it looks like it’s going to storm.”

         I looked up for the first time and saw the darkness above the trees. Fuck. “Alright, yeah let’s go.”

         Ken giggled and followed behind me, “You completely just dropped my hand and started to run.”

         “I’m not running anywhere.”

         “Well you definitely let go of my hand and are walking faster.”

         “I just don’t want to be stuck out here in a thunder storm.”

         “OK, so you’ll just leave me?”

         “I’m not leaving you, but you gotta walk babe. Come on.” I hate thunder, not even thunder, the lightning. It’s so fucking loud and scary; yes I understand I sound like a five year old. But shit, I’ve seen those shows on the Discovery Channel. I don’t want to get struck by that shit.

         “Are you scared of thunder storms?”

         “No,” I lied. I never really straight up lied to her before but that day I did twice. I told her I knew where we were when I clearly had no idea, and then I told her I’m not afraid of thunderstorms. It’s not that bad though, I did it so I wouldn’t look like such a wuss.

         “Alright,” she giggled and grabbed onto my hand before leading the way, “It’s this way.”

         “How do you know?”

         “See the moss? Moss grows on the north side of trees. We need to go south.”

         “How do you know?”

         “Because of where you live. Main Street runs East to West, your street is off that, we went to the north end… just trust me, come on.”

         It could have possibly been at that moment that I fell in love with her. How the hell she knew that stuff was beyond me, but it worked. We made it back to my parents’ house in ten minutes, more importantly fifteen seconds before the lightning and downpour started.

         “I’m going to change,” Kendall said as she walked into the bathroom of our bedroom… her bedroom. “I’m pretty sure you still have a pair of sweats and a t-shirt in your drawer if you want to change.”

         “Yeah, thanks” I said as I stood in front of my dresser. It feels weird to be back in this room, especially with her in the bathroom. I’ve walked by this room so many times since I’ve moved out to get to JJ’s room but I haven’t been inside. I was surprised when I opened the drawers that used to be mine to find that they were completely empty, except for the one shirt and pair of sweats.

         “Thanks for coming today. I’m glad you’re here. “

         “Yeah, of course.” She came out of the bathroom as I was pulling off my wet shirt, wearing a pair of sweats and a tank top herself. I always thought she looked so damn hot in a pair of sweats. She’s beautiful no matter what she wears but there’s something about a girl in sweats.

         “Really though, you’re making this day a lot more bearable.”

         “Really Ken, it’s no big deal. I wanted to come, it helps me too, ya’know?”

         “I know,” she walked close to me like she was going to hold onto me but never did, “I’m just really sorry about how everything turned out and I… just thanks, for everything.”

         “Don’t worry about it.” I put my hands on her shoulders and turned her around, “Want to watch a movie? Order a pizza? Relax.”

         “Yeah. When is your mother bringing JJ back?”

         “Not until tomorrow, I told her I’d call her.”

         Ken nodded her head as I followed her downstairs. “I miss him already,” she giggled, “You should have heard him yesterday, he was so cute. I couldn’t find his little scissors and we were doing a project so I let him use these new ones I just bought. They’re still kids scissors but they’re metal, not like just the plastic ones. So I told him the rules before I gave them to him, you know like he can’t run with them and he can’t cut anything other than the paper. And then he goes, Mommy, Scott said one time he was running with scissors and he tripped and poked his eye out and his doggie grabbed it and his daddy hadda go chase him and get it out of his mouth so then he popped it back in his eye.” I laughed as she mimicked our son, “So I’m like, um… ok I think that was a bit of an exaggeration but you still have to be careful with scissors, that’s why only use them when you’re sitting down. And then I’m like are you ready? Do you think you’re ready for the big boy scissors? And he goes…. No Mommy! I’m not!” she laughed, “Like I’m making him use a chainsaw or something.”

         “He’s funny.”

         “He’s like, the cutest kid in the whole world.”

         “You don’t have to tell me,” I agreed with a smile, “Are you hungry now?”

         “Not really. Let’s watch a movie first, then we can eat later on.”

         “Sounds good,” I said as I sat on the couch, “Pick a movie.”

         “Oh, you’re letting me pick?” she asked with a giggle, “I feel special.”

         “You are. Let’s go, hurry up before I change my mind.”

         Ken laughed and put an unknown DVD in the player. “It’s crazy out there,” she headed to sliding glass door and looked outside, “What’s up with today and the storms? It’s like a yearly occurrence.”

         “Yeah, it was worse last year though.” Why did I just say that? I bet I just ruined any chance at normalcy we could have had today. She’s going to put the wall right back up and we’re going to be right back where we started.

         After a few seconds she came back to the couch, “Yeah, it was way worse last year but I think all the events of the day made it that way. She turned off the lights and then lay down on the couch, with her head right next to my lap.

         “What movie did you put in?”

         “Patience Justin, it’s going to start in a second.”

         There was a large crack of thunder and a bright crack of lightning at the same time the power went off. I jumped a foot in the air and Kendall giggled, “Damn, that hit something.”

         “Yeah, are you alright? You jumped a foot in the air.”

         “I did not, so did you.”

         “No I didn’t,” she laughed while moving closer to me and rested her head on my lap. “Did you do this on purpose?”

         It was only a month after we met and I was at Justin’s house for the first time. The plan was to watch a movie and relax but ten minutes into the movie the power went out, due to a crazy thunderstorm.

         “Did you do this on purpose?” I asked with a chuckle.

         “Did I make a thunderstorm cut off the power on purpose? Is that what you’re asking?” he laughed.

         “Yes. This all seems like quite the sneaky scheme.”

         “Yeah, you caught me. I made a couple calls.”

         “I wouldn’t be surprised. You are abnormally anxious to be alone with me in the dark.”

         Justin laughed and pulled me to his lap, “I don’t need the power to go out to get you alone in the dark.”

         “Yeah, I made a couple calls,” I answered, just like I did that day so many years ago.

         “It wouldn’t surprise me,” she giggled and placed her hand on the side of my face. It’s a pain in the ass not being able to see anything, but I felt her crawl on my lap, and then felt her warm breath on my ear. “I really miss you. Like… a lot.”

         “You don’t have to miss me. I’m here.”

         “I know. I’m sorry,” she answered before I felt her soft lips on mine. It’s been so long since we’ve been this close. I knew I missed it, but there’s no realizing how much until I’m close again. The lights stayed off making me think it wasn’t real, that this was all just a dream but I knew it wasn’t. I really hope this is her way of telling me she wants to get back to the way things were before this day last year, but I have a feeling it’s just her way of dealing with today. Whatever it is I can’t stop her, so I’m going to enjoy it while I can.

         Sadly, the lights turned back on. Sure, it probably was awhile later but it felt like only a few seconds. The second the lights went off was the second she pulled away. She stood up quickly, as if she was embarrassed, “I’m sorry.”

         “No, no it’s…”

         “No, I shouldn’t have.”

         “It’s ok, it’s fine, it’s not…” I trailed off, not exactly sure what else to say. “Do you want me to head out?”

         “No,” she answered quickly, she didn’t even skip a beat. That surprised me more than anything else that’s happened today. “I really want you to stay.”

         “Good, because I want to stay.”

         “Good,” Ken answered with a smile, “I’m hungry though, let’s get that pizza.”

         I woke up with Justin’s arms around me and for a second forgot the past year ever happened. I stretched my arms over my head and turned around in bed so I was facing him, “Good Morning,” I smiled.

         “Morning,” he smiled, “How are you feeling? Sleep ok?”

         “Yeah, thanks for staying. Did you sleep ok?”

         “Yeah,” he laughed and stretched his arms over his head, “I miss this bed.”

         “This bed misses you too,” did I really just say that? “What do you want to do today?” I didn’t give him a chance to answer, “I was thinking we could go pick up the little one and then go to the zoo, or the park or… Disneyland,” he didn’t answer, in fact he kind of just looked at me, “Do you have to work?”

         “Uh yeah, but Disneyland sounds far more appealing.”

         It was stupid for me to think he wouldn’t have to work. He works a lot, and it’s my day with JJ so obviously he’d be working. He takes his days with JJ off, not his days alone.  “If you have to work it’s ok, we can do it some other time.”

         “No, I’m definitely going. I can’t turn down Disney; it’s not a big deal. I just need to make some calls.”

         “OK. I’ll make breakfast?”

         “Sounds good, thanks Ken.”

         I slid my feet in my slippers and headed downstairs. This is all kind of weird. It’s weird that I made out with him last night, I mean seriously, what am I seventeen? It’s like the lights went out and I couldn’t control myself. I do miss him though. I’ve felt that for a while, pretty much since the moment I left, but I never let myself feel it before. I hid it, and pretended it didn’t exist but I’m starting to see that’s just silly.

         Now things are just more confusing, at least they are in my head. I guess it’s not really all that confusing. Nothing else happened last night; we just talked and watched a movie, neither of us really mentioning the whole kissing thing. When we went to bed we just went to bed. There was some spooning, and I can’t even explain how good that felt to be in his arms again. The thing is, he’s the father of my child, and it’s way better for JJ to have both of us getting along. Sure, maybe we can work this out, maybe we can’t. There’s no way to find that out without giving it a try. As long we don’t end up hating each other, but I don’t see that happening. I was completely blinded before and I’m seeing the truth now.

         “Good Morning, wifey,” Justin smiled in front of the stove as I came downstairs one morning after we just got married.

         “Good morning, Hubby,” I wrapped my arms around his waist and stood on my tippy toes so I could look over his shoulder to see what he was making, “Pancakes?”

         “Crepes,” he stirred the batter, “Sit down, and relax. Let me get you some coffee.”

         “Is this one of those newlywed things that’s never going to happen again after the first year?”

         “Nah,” he answered with a chuckle, “No way, this will happen at least once a year.”

         “Cool, let me get that in writing.”

         I am a wuss, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I did send a text stating that I will not be going in for that interview instead of calling. I also managed to ‘accidentally’ turn my cell off after sending the text. The fact is, there’s no way in hell I’m going to turn down a day with my family… together, for an interview with Cosmo Magazine. Sorry. I’m not even sure why I had that in the first place, I’m supposed to be chilling with all the bullshit interviews.

         In truth, I’m not exactly sure what happened yesterday, but I’m not going to complain. I do know that Ken seems to be back to her normal self, I don’t want to jinx that but fuck I can’t even explain how awesome that would be. I’m trying not to get too excited, it’s not that I expect everything to go back to normal right away but this sure gives me some hope that it might go back at some point in the future. I’d like that very much.

         When I made it to the kitchen Ken was swaying to the music in her head as she cracked an egg in the pan. I stood in the doorway and watched, there’s no way I’m going to disturb the dance fest. Sadly she turned around and laughed, “I didn’t know you were here, that was fast. OH! Look what I found! Close your eyes, close your eyes!”

         “How am I supposed to look with my eyes closed?”

         Ken giggled, “Shh, just close your eyes.”

         They were already closed when she asked me to the first time. I’d do anything that girl tells me to do; she doesn’t have to ask me twice.

         “You’re going to love it, you’re going to be so excited,” she laughed again and I felt something on my head. “Ready? Ok, open your eyes!”

         I opened my eyes to see her standing in front of me wearing Mickey ears and a goofy smile. I chuckled and turned to look at my reflection in the microwave, “No way.”

         “Yes way,” she giggled and grabbed my hand to stop me from pulling them off my head, “We have to! It’s Disneyland, this is what people wear.”

         “No it’s not what people wear. You do, you and your crazy family do, but most normal people do not wear Mickey Ears in public.”

         She giggled, “It’s tradition! Me and MY crazy family, that’s you so get used to it.”

         The fact that she just said I was part of her family again made me willing to wear anything, including this stupid Mickey hat. “It just brings back bad memories Ken.”

She’s awful smiley today, “It’s not my fault you were sold into Disney slavery and forced into child labor as a youngin. Don’t ruin it for everyone!”

         “I’m not ruining anything, I’m wearing the ears, let’s do this!”

         “Good, yay, thank you. Oh my gosh! Remember your mom gave me your old jacket from when you were on the show? I should find it, JJ can wear it, it’ll totally fit him now.”

         She’s so adorable when it comes to Disney stuff. I probably should have gone for the zoo option but I know how much she loves Disney everything so I couldn’t just overlook that. It’s just that once she starts getting all excited about it she doesn’t think straight.

         “Ken, I was twelve when I got that jacket, I don’t think it’ll fit our four year old son just yet.”

         “Oh. That sucks because by the time he’s twelve he’s not going to want to wear the dorky jacket anymore.”

         “That’s cute,” I laughed, “Are you saying I was a dork?”

         “No… you still are a dork so I guess that’s what I’m saying.”

         “Mmmhmm says the twenty eight year old wearing mouse ears around the kitchen.”

         Another long, tiring day. I’m finding the whole being a mother thing to be kind of easy, at least compared to the whole being a sister thing. It’s just that my perfect son is… well, perfect. He sleeps almost all night and hardly ever cries. When we went in to the doctor last week I asked if there was something wrong with him but the doctor just laughed and said we were lucky. Lucky is one thing I know I am.

         As for the whole being a sister thing, I mean seriously that girl has some bad taste in guys. It’s like she’ll just end up falling for any guy that gives her the time of day. It’s so annoying, especially since she could do so much better. Anyway, to make a long story short she’s spending the night, just like she’s spent the last three, in the spare bedroom. Justin just loves that. 

         Speaking of Justin, it’s nine o’clock and he’s not even home yet. He hasn’t been working since JJ was born but he had to do an interview for the Grammy’s today. I guess that’s something he should definitely be doing. How many people can say their husband is going to get a couple Grammy’s? Not many. I’m proud of my man.

         I heard the door open and felt a smile come over my face. “I’m in the kitchen.”

         I’m used to him being busy and having to work a lot, but I’ve been super spoiled these past four months since JJ has been born because Justin hasn’t done anything. So now I miss him way more even when he’s only gone for a day.

         He came into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around me from behind, immediately kissing the back of my neck before whispering into my ear, “I missed you like crazy.”

         “I know, I missed you too. I was just saying how unfair it is that you go back to work. I’m spoiled now.”

         “You sure are,” Justin laughed while he continued kissing my neck, “It was just one day, I’m back now. How was the baby?”

         “Perfect, of course. He was smiling.”

         “He sleeping?”

         “Yeah, I just put him down.”

         “And your sister?”

         “She’s in bed too, she had a migraine.”

         “Perfect,” he whispered.

         “Perfect?”

         “Yeah, perfect,” he chuckled and moved his hands down my body.

         “Justin…”

         “Kendall…” he repeated in the same tone and placed his hands under my nightgown stopping for a second at my waist before slowly pushing my panties down. “I missed you,” he whispered before running his hands up my body and pulling my nightgown over my head.

         “I guess so, but…” I giggled but stopped talking when I felt his hands massaging my breasts.

         “But?” he laughed as he slid his right hand down my chest and stopped at my waist.

         “Nothing. Continue,” I wrapped my arm around his neck and turned my head so I could kiss him.

         “Alright, if that’s what you want.”

         He moved his hands away from me to pull his pants down and but continued kissing before moving my legs apart and pushing me to the counter. I moaned loudly when he entered me, never really feeling him that way before. I leaned against the counter as I felt my knees go weak while he grinded into me. I remained over the counter after I came, trying to catch my breath, until Justin pulled me up into his arms.

         “Shit baby,” I giggled as I wrapped my arms around his neck, “Where’d that come from?”

         “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” he answered simply.

         “It was only a day though. You should definitely go back to work sooner then.”

         Justin laughed and picked me up before heading to the stairs.

 “Wait, the lights!”

“The lights!” he ran back with me still in his arms so I could turn off the lights. I kissed his neck as he carried me upstairs and threw me on the bed, “I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too.”

“And I’m the luckiest guy in the world to be able to come home to you, and our perfect son… and your fucking sister.”

I giggled as he crawled into bed, “You love her too.”

“I do. So much so that I’m considering buying her a fucking house so she’ll leave us the fuck alone.”

“Be nice,” I slapped his shoulder as he pulled me closer.

“I’m always nice.  Good night, princess.”

The next morning JJ woke us up at eight o’clock. I still think he sleeps too much, but I guess that’s not something to complain about. Justin grabbed the baby and I followed him to the kitchen where my sister was sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper.

“You’re up early.” Justin said as he grabbed a cup from the cupboard.

“Not that early, you guys act like I’m such a lazy bum. I went to bed early.”

“Is your head feeling better?” I asked.

“Yeah, thanks. By the way, I’m not even going to ask why there’s clothes strewn all over the kitchen.”

I heard Justin chuckle and I giggled before looking around to see our clothes all over the place. Maybe next time we should clean our shit up but it’s our house, dammit. We can do what we want. “Shut up, I was doing laundry, I must have dropped some clothes out of the basket.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s what it was,” she laughed, “and the fact that you two can’t stop giggling definitely proves that it was just laundry. God, you two are like fucking rabbits.”

“You can leave if it makes you uncomfortable,” Justin answered without missing a beat.

“Justin!” I gave him the death stare, “Watch the language in front of the baby.”

         “He’s going to be so excited. I’m so excited” Ken said as we drove to my mother’s house to pick up our son for a fulfilled day at Disneyland.

         “Are you really excited Ken? I had no idea.”

         She laughed at my sarcasm and playfully slapped my leg, “He’s going to be super excited though, I bet he doesn’t even remember going.”

         “I’m sure he remembers Ken, he’s got your blood. Your whole family’s got the Disney obsession since birth.”

         “Add that to your musketeer blood and I’m surprised he didn’t pop out a mouse.”  Ken laughed at her joke and I couldn’t help but laugh along with her. She’s such a dork, she’s always got those jokes that she thinks are so funny but the reality is they’re corny as shit. If anyone else told the joke they’d get blank stares, but with Kendall everyone laughs just cause she thinks it’s so damn funny. That’s what I love about her. I realize I keep thinking of more things that are the reason why I love her but there’s plenty more.

         “You’re a dork,” she slapped my leg again but this time left her hand. “Seriously, I’m sure he remembers, you said you remember the first time you went.”

         “I do. And I was nine months old.”

         “Of course,” I agreed with a smile. There is no possible way that she can remember going to Disney World when she was nine months old, it’s just not possible. She knows I think it’s bullshit but every time I even mention it…

         “Of course is right. I know you don’t believe me but you need to. I remember her saying that I looked exactly like she did when she was nine months old.”

         “And you don’t think it’s possible that because your parents told you that a hundred times it almost feels like you were there?”

         She was quiet for a second, I got her thinking, “No.” she finally answered simply, “Because I can see her saying it not my parents saying it. She said that I’d grow up to be a princess too, just like her.”

         “Well she got that part right,” I smiled as I pulled into my mother’s driveway and she rolled her eyes.

         “Should we surprise him? We should surprise him. Let’s not tell him where we’re going.”

         “Alright, you got it kid.” I said as I knocked on the door before walking into my mother’s house. “Anybody home?”

         “Daddy!” JJ screamed and ran from the living room into my arms, “Granny! Daddy’s here.” He looked over my shoulder and saw Kendall, “MOMMY! Granny Mommy’s here too!”

         “Hi Darling,” Ken picked him up and held onto him tightly, “Were you good for Granny? Did you have a good night?”

         “Yeah. I’m good,” JJ answered with a giggle.

         “Oh yeah,” I answered sarcastically.

         “I was!” he giggled again, “Ask Granny.”

         “He’s always good,” my mother said as she made her way into the kitchen. “How was your night? Oh hi Kendall, how are you doing sweetie?” she walked right past me, my own mother, and pulled Kendall into a hug.

         “I’m good, thank you. Thanks so much for watching him last night. It was a big help, we needed that.”

         “Of course, anytime,” my mother said giving me one of her famous looks that tells me she wants to know what exactly is going on.

         “What are we gonna do today Mommy?

         “We’re gonna go to Disneyland! Ken shouted causing JJ to jump up and down with excitement. I watched as the two of them jumped around and laughed when I remembered she was the damn one that wanted to wait to tell him until we got there. You’d think she’s a four year old too, she just couldn’t hold it in.

         “Daddy! We’re going to Disneyland! Are you coming too?”

         “Of course man, I wouldn’t miss that.”

         “Yay!” he ran over to me, “We’re gonna have fun! Can we go? Can we go? Can I go meet Mickey and Minnie and Goofy and Donald and Daisy and Pluto and…”

“Yeah man, let’s go,” I cut him off because I’m pretty sure he was about to name every Disney character ever created. My family is absolutely obsessed with all things Disney. I have no control anymore.  “Thanks a lot Ma.”

         “Anytime. Call me later and fill me in,” she whispered as I gave her a hug. My mother is worse than a seventeen year old girl when it comes to gossip.

         The whole day was absolutely amazing. Words can’t even explain how much fun we all had. We were like a real family again, no one bothered us and we got to do everything we wanted. It’s impossible to fight or even disagree in Disneyland, it’s far too happy. I should have thought of that a long time ago and taken her here this time last year. I’m sure we’d be in a completely different situation right now if I had.

         We stayed all day and waiting until after the fireworks to head back. JJ fell asleep as soon as we got on the highway.

         “Fun day?” I asked Kendall.

         “Yeah, amazing day. Thank you. We should do like weekly Disney trips.”

         “Weekly?” I’d shoot myself. “How about monthly?”

         “Yeah,” she laughed, “That’s probably more reasonable.”

         Then she rested her head on my shoulder and I really felt like this whole day was some kind of a magical fairy tale. I was tempted to drive by the house at least ten times so she’d stay this close to me but decided against it. Ken didn’t say a word when I pulled into the driveway, just smiled and helped JJ out of the car.

         “Come on little man, time for bed.”

         “I’ll get him,” I said as I picked him up and carried him inside, “You know you’re going to have to stop pretending you’re sleeping when we get upstairs so you can brush your teeth.”

         JJ giggled and so did his mother when I sat him on the bathroom counter and handed him his toothbrush.

         “Did you have fun today?” Kendall asked she soaped up a cloth t wash him up before bed.

         ‘Yeah, uh huh. So much fun. My favorite was the end and the fireworks. Can we go again tomorrow?”

         “Not tomorrow,” I laughed, “Soon though.”

         “Are you gonna stay here tonight Daddy? Are you gonna stay over again?”

         “Yes, he is.” Kendall answered for me. I didn’t know I was, I hadn’t really thought about it but now that I know I am, well shit. “Is that ok? I mean you can, I want you to.”

         “Yeah,” I answered quickly, so much for me playing it cool I’m ready to dance around the fucking room, “Yeah.”

         “Alright then, time for bed!” Kendall picked JJ up and carried him to his room.

         “I’m not tired though!”

         “Baby,” she laughed, “You can’t even keep your little eyes open. You’re very tired.”

         “Yeah, but I wanna stay up with you and watch a movie.”

         “We’re going to bed too buddy, I’m as tired as you are.” I answered before tucking my son in bed. It’s been awhile since I’ve done this, in our house with my wife next to me. “Goodnight buddy.”

         “Night Daddy! Night Mommy!”

         “Good night JJ, we love you.”

         It’s weird how much it means to JJ when we’re all together, just the three of us. I never thought it was that big of a deal for him when we’re apart but I’m really starting to see that I’m not the only one that found this whole thing absolutely unbearable.

         “Just gonna take a shower,” Ken said as she walked into the bathroom, “I had a great day though Justin, I’m really glad we decided to go.”

         “Yeah, I had fun too Ken.” I said as I sat down at the foot of the bed and took my shoes off, “So did JJ.”

         “Yeah he had a ball. Don’t you want to take a shower?”

         “Huh?” I looked up to see Kendall standing by the bathroom door wearing only her bra and underwear.

         “Do you want to take a shower?” she repeated.

         “Uh… no its ok, you go ahead. I’ll take one in the morning.” You’d think I’ve never seen the girl naked before, but I feel like it’s the first time I’m seeing her, or a girl in general, in her bra and panties. I can’t think straight, I can’t even fucking move and I’m sure my mouth is hanging open like a complete moron.

         Kendall giggled and unhooked her bra, letting it drop to the ground, “I’m asking if you want to shower with me.”

         “I… are… I mean, are you sure?”

         “Justin,” she walked over to the bed and grabbed my hand, “I really, really want you to come shower with me.” she bit her bottom lip and looked down at me a way no man could resist. I don’t want to resist, fuck it’s been a long time, but I’m not exactly sure if this is something we should be doing.

         I stood up and let her lead me to the bathroom where she quickly locked the door and pushed me against it, pulling my shirt off and attaching her lips to mine.  She undid my belt and pushed my pants down as she placed my hands on her waist. I pulled her panties down and took a second to take it all in, staring at her.  Ken smiled and turned the shower on before walking back to me and wrapping her arms around my waist. She kissed my neck and whispered in my ear, “I want you so bad.”

         I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the shower. Who am I not to give the girl what she wants? I’ve always done everything I could to make her happy and give her everything she wants. Now she wants me, so fuck, I’m going to give it to her.

         I kissed her passionately, my hands running over her naked body. She kissed my neck as I threw my head back and she ran her hands over my chest then slowly traced the lines down my waist and grabbed onto me. Ken moaned softly as I slid my hand down her waist, “I missed you so much,” she whispered. With that I picked her up and held her against the wall, placing her legs around my waist and entered her hard. She moaned loudly and threw her head back. I watched as the water fell down her beautiful body as I grinded into her before feeling her tense up around me.  She screamed when she reached her spot and I felt myself explode inside her.

         I placed her back down on the ground and she giggled before grabbing the shampoo and rubbing it in my hair, “Well shit, I forgot how good we are together.”

         “Oh, you forgot,” I laughed and put some shampoo in her hair.

         “Well, yeah.” She stopped talking, or rubbing the shampoo in and just kind of looked at me.

         “Why are you looking at me like that?”

         “I’m not.” She spoke before washing the shampoo out of her hair. “I’m just… I don’t know.”

         “You don’t know?”

         “Tired. I’m just tired.”

         I fucking knew this was a bad idea. Now everything’s going to get all weird and awkward, “Are things going to be all weird now?”

         “No, why would they be weird?” she asked before kissing my lips quickly and getting out of the shower, wrapping herself in a towel, “Nothing’s weird. It’ s just been a busy day.” she held out a towel, “Coming?”

         “Yeah.” I turned the shower off and stepped out, taking the towel from her hand; “Things are going to be all fucking weird now.”

         “No they’re not, they’re not.” Ken said as she pulled her nightgown on, “It’s just, I… I really missed you. So much. It’s just kinda weird that you’re here and we’re here and… I don’t know. I just missed you a lot Justin.”

         “I missed you too Ken.”

         “I know. That’s why I just don’t get everything and I…” she paused as I pulled my sweats on, “I don’t know. Let’s just go to bed.”

         “We can talk, if you want to talk.” I figure it’s worth a try, we haven’t done much talking in the past year, and I know we’re going to have to at some point. Sure, we got some of it out yesterday but there’s still a lot more to go.

         “I do want to talk,” she said as she climbed in to bed, “I definitely do want to talk but not now. I want to sleep now, but then we’ll talk. OK?”

         “Alright Ken, whatever you want.” I crawled into bed next to her and she turned the light off and cuddled up to me, resting her head on my chest.

         Why can’t things just magically go back to the way they were? Why can’t we just both say we screwed up and now we’re fine again? This is too much shit.

         “Justin, are you still awake?” she whispered a few minutes later.

         “Yeah?” I whispered back.

         “I just… I love you. I don’t know if you know that or… I just want you to know that I do and I really appreciate everything you’re doing and everything you’ve done and I…” she trailed off, she’s definitely crying now.

         “It’s alright Ken.” I said as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer, “I love you too.”

         I sat down at my dining room, my heart beating in my throat. Why is it so damn hot in here?  This has to be a nightmare, there’s no possible way this is really happening. I can’t see straight, I can hardly breathe. I can’t put up with this right now, or ever for that matter. I’m supposed to be the strong one but that’s not fucking fair. I’ve been holding it together for the most part, but everyone reaches their point and I’m about to reach mine.

         “Justin,” the voice woke me from my thoughts and I looked up at my lawyer sitting across the table from me.

 I nervously ran my hands through my hair and took a deep breath, “Give her whatever she wants,” I struggled to get out.

“She doesn’t want anything. She just wants JJ.”

I took a deep breath and felt my eyes fill up with tears. I never used to cry, I was always one of those people that keeps shit inside and deals with it on their own. The only one, besides my mother, I ever cried in front of was Kendall. I sure as hell have never cried in front of my lawyers, but I’ve been crying so damn much these past few days I don’t even bother trying to keep it in. “That’s ridiculous. What is she going to do? Live in a fucking box with him? Give her the house. And her car, she’ll need a car. I don’t know how this shit works man, isn’t she supposed to get half of everything?”

“Not necessarily, there was no prenup, so technically she’s supposed to get half. However, she doesn’t want to fight for it, so I’m sure we could get away with…”

“Give her half,” I broke in. I’m not about to try and screw my wife over. Although I guess after all this shit is over and done with she won’t be my wife anymore.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait a few weeks? It may be better not to rush into this. We all know you’re going through a hard time.”

I can’t talk about this anymore; all I ever do is talk about it. “Yeah, it’s what she wants. She can’t have JJ though, that’s the one thing I’ll fight for. I’m fine with splitting his time up, fifty-fifty though, none of that every other weekend shit. But I need to keep him now, all the time. She’s not ready to take care of him right now. You need to let her lawyers know that. I don’t want to have to bring it to fucking court but I will, and I’ll win.”

“Have you tried talking to her?”

“She won’t talk to me. She won’t talk to anybody.”

I can’t even begin to explain how fucked up my life is at this moment.  My newborn baby girl came out strangled in an umbilical cord, and I saw her, I fucking saw her. My wife now wants a divorce because apparently this is somehow my fault. Now my wife is off god knows where doing god knows what and I’ve never been more worried about anyone in my life. Then there’s the fact that I haven’t slept in months and can’t even remember my middle name and all I really want to do is lock myself in a room and cry like a fucking baby or scream and break shit.  All the while, I’m trying to be the strong one and give the child that I do have some sense of normalcy so he doesn’t end up being more fucked up than anyone.

“Daddy, Daddy,” I heard my son’s voice and quickly wiped the tears away from my eyes.

“What’s up man?”

“I did bad. I made a big mistake and I did really, really bad.”

Of course, let’s add some more fuel to the fire; kick a man while he’s down, of course. “What’s the matter?”

“Come here,” he motioned for me to lean down so he could whisper in my ear, “I went peepee in my pants cause I couldn’t get to da potty and I hadda go real bad.”

I laughed and stood up before grabbing onto his hand, “We’ll be right back,” I told my lawyers, “It’s alright buddy, it happens. Don’t worry.”

         “MOMMMMMYYYY!” I heard his voice and felt him climb on the bed, “Wake up! Daddy! Wake up! It’s morning and I’ma gonna be late for school today!”

         “No school man, stop jumping,” I heard Justin and felt JJ bounce down between us.

         “Yes school, it’s Monday and that’s school day and that means I gotta go back to school!”

         “You don’t have to go today,” I suggested. It’s not like he’s in real school, it’s just preschool. I don’t feel like waking up and I’m kind of in the mood for some more family time. It’s only a matter of time before Justin has to go and things will be all weird again, that is if that’s not already happened.

         “I wanna go. I wanna go, please Mommy, can I go?” I turned over to see him sitting on Justin’s legs, “Daddy, I wanna go to school.”

         “Well then, I guess you should go to school,” Justin said with a chuckle, “He’s gotta get that from you, I’ve never wanted to go to school a day in my life.”

         “Yay, come on and get up cause I gotta go to school!”

         “Calm down JJ, it’s still early. You have plenty of time.”

         “Why don’t you go and pick out something to wear and let me and mommy talk for a minute,” Justin suggested and JJ ran out of the room before I could tell him to stay.

         I don’t want to talk, it’s still early and I’m still tired. Sure, we had sex last night, that wasn’t smart. Sure, it was all me, my suggestion, my following through… fuck I practically raped the guy. What is wrong with me?

         I looked up at Justin, he looked over at me and chuckled, “You said it’s not going to be weird.”

         “It’s not,” that wasn’t a complete lie…

         “Alright,” he laughed again and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my forehead softly,  “Sleep alright?”

         “Yeah, thanks. How about you?”

         “Yeah, I did.”

         See, it’s already getting weird and it’s not even my fault. It just happens, I was stupid to let it happen, to fucking make it happen. I need a time machine.  “I’m going to go make breakfast,” I stood up quickly and wrapped myself in a robe,  “Bacon or sausage?”

Three weeks after Kendall left and she wants to take JJ for a couple days. Everybody tells me she’s better now and she can handle him but I’ve yet to even hear her voice so I’m not so convinced. I feel like I’ve been stabbed. My fucking wife is talking to everyone but me, even my mother. That’s fucked. At least I’ll be here when she comes home, even if it’s just for a few minutes when our paths cross. I really think if I had a chance to sit down and talk to her, I mean really talk, she’d realize this isn’t solving anything but making it a hell of a lot harder.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah Little Man, what’s up?”

JJ climbed on my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck, “I don’t want you to go, I wanna come with you. Can I?”

“No, you’re just going to stay here with Mommy for a couple days and then you’ll come with me.”

“But… I wanna come with you, I don’t wanna stay with mommy.”

“Of course you want to stay with Mommy,” I answered quickly. The truth is I know he remembers how she acted the last time he saw her, how she got so made at him and made at me for giving him a scoop of ice cream. He was asking about her for the first couple days but he’s stopped. I would much rather JJ come with me, I’d feel a lot better if that were the case, but I know how much Ken loves him and she needs to see him too.  “You’ll have fun with Mommy.”

“No suh, cause she was mad and not nice and yelled at me, memba?”

“Yeah, but she’s fine now, don’t worry. I don’t want you talking about your mother like that. You know you’re going to have fun with her. I’ll be back in a couple days and you can call me whenever you want.”

He took a deep breath and rested his head against my chest, “Daddy, how come you’re taking the doggies with you?”

“Because I’m going to be lonely, I need to have someone with me.”

“But I’m gonna be lonely without them. Who am I gonna play with?”

“You can play with Mommy, silly.”

“But guess what Daddy? There’s two doggies, that means you keep one and I keep one.”

I chuckled at his solution, he’s so damn smart, “Alright, but how are we going to split them up? Which one do you want?”

“Bailey,” he giggled, “She’s my favorite. Know why? Cause she can catch a cookie on her nose.”

“That is true,” I laughed as there was a knock on the door. Why the fuck is she knocking on the door? The smile quickly slid off my face and I felt my heart beating in my throat. This is the first time I’ve seen her in three weeks, I haven’t even heard her voice, she always has her sister call when she wants to talk to JJ. For some reason I’m now the enemy. “Maybe you should practice catching a cookie on your nose.” I suggested before walking to the door.

When I opened it I saw Kaylee, Kendall’s sister standing in front of me. I looked around, in her car, no Kendall to be seen. “Hey?”

“Hey,” Kaylee said before walking past me. She always just walks right in to my damn house like she lives here; the damn girl drives me crazy.

“What are you doing here? Everything alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just here for JJ, so you can leave,” she said as she walked into the living room, “Hey JJ, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Hi Auntie Kay, wanna play Spider-Man?”

“In a little bit, alright buddy?” I said before turning the television on for him, “Kay, come in the kitchen for a minute.” She surprisingly followed me without a fight, “Where’s Kendall?”

“She’s… coming. After you leave.”

“No. It doesn’t work like that.”

“Come on Justin, give her a break.”

         “Give her a break?” I shouted, “All I’ve been doing is giving her fucking breaks Kaylee. I haven’t talked to her in three weeks and the last time I talked to her she was like a fucking nut case. You’re both out of your mind if you think I’m just going to leave JJ here without seeing her first.”

“Seriously? You know Kendall; she’s not out of her mind. She’s an amazing mother, what’s she going to do? She hasn’t seen JJ in three weeks, she just wants to see her son.”

“Which is fine, but I need to see her first.”

“That’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. You all are acting stupid. Why is everyone acting like this is normal and she has every right to be acting the way she’s acting? It’s not fucking normal, and ya’ll need to stop pretending it is and grow some fucking balls and stop agreeing to everything she says. It’s not helping, she needs a wake up call and you and your whole fucking family need to stop with the bullshit. You know she’s acting crazy, you all know it. So fucking step up and say something. I get she’s your sister, but seriously Kaylee, stop pretending she’s totally legit with her ideas. It’s not helping.”

“She’s not coming until you leave.”

“Then I guess she’s not coming because I’m not leaving until she gets here.” I left her in the kitchen and sat down next to JJ.

         Kaylee came in a few minutes later, I could hear her trying to convince Kendall on the phone, and sat down on the loveseat, “She’s coming.”

         I nodded my head instead of answering and pulled JJ on my lap.

         “This is my favorite part! Shh Shh… Buzz Lightyear…. TO THE RESCUE!!!” JJ jumped up and screamed, throwing his hand in the air.

         When Kendall came fifteen minutes later she walked right past me, as if I wasn’t even there.  She grabbed JJ in her arms and twirled him around, telling him how much she missed him and how much he’s grown. She told him how much she loves him and how she has such fun things planned, all while I was standing there, unable to speak. My wife, the woman I love, my true love, the only girl I’ve ever really loved, was standing there with our son, walking past me like I wasn’t even there.

         It took a few minutes for me to find my voice, “Ken, can we talk for a minute?”

         “No we can’t,” she answered without looking up at me.

         “Just for a minute.”

         “No,” she continued ignoring me and played with JJ. JJ just looked at me; surprised his own mother wasn’t talking to his father. Wondering why she was ignoring me completely and not running into my arms like she usually did when we hadn’t seen each other for a few days.

         “Kendall. Five minutes.”

         “No.” she spoke louder this time, “We’ll see you Thursday.”

         I took a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair. “I don’t want to talk in front of JJ but if that’s the only option then I’ll do it.” she ignored me, she doesn’t think I’ll do it but she’s out of her fucking mind if she thinks I’m leaving that easy. “How am I supposed to know that you’re alright now? That there’s nothing mentally wrong with you?”

         She glared at me, that got her attention.

         “JJ, come on and show me your room,” Kaylee said before picking him up and practically running upstairs. Finally, she does something helpful.

         “Fuck you,” Kendall spoke softly after they were upstairs, “Don’t ever talk to me like that.”

         “I’m being completely serious. How am I supposed to know you’re alright to watch him?”

         “Because the JUDGE said you have to. Deal with it.”

         “Someday you’re going to realize how crazy you’re being. You’re going to wake up and it’s going to be too late. Look at me Goddammit,” I grabbed onto her arms and forced her to look at me, “This is not my fault. It’s not your fault. And all this shit that you think is fixing everything is just making it a million times worse. Your whole fucking family does whatever you say and agrees with whatever you want but it’s bullshit. You’re not going to be happy, this isn’t going to make you happy. You have to realize I’m the only one going through this with you. You and me, that’s it. Not your sister, not your mother, we’re the only ones.  No one gets it like I do. We need each other for fucks sake Ken, we need to talk, we don’t need to live on opposite sides of the city.”

         She pulled away from me and wiped her eyes, “We’re divorced, so we don’t need to live in the same house. And you’re not the only one that understands what I’m going through, because you don’t. That’s the whole fucking issue, you don’t get it.  Just leave. It’s my time with JJ, just go.”

         “Daddy!” JJ ran and jumped into my arms as I walked into the kitchen, “Guess what?”

         “What?”

         “Today is Ocean Day in school! We’re gonna make fish and play in sand and everything! Oh and guess what? It’s my snack day and we made Jell-O with gummy fish in it! It’s so cool, huh Mommy?”

         “Oh yeah,” she said as she placed a plate in front of each of us, “I forgot all about that JJ, thanks for reminding me.”

JJ giggled and climbed onto his own chair before piling the eggs in his mouth.  Kendall sat down across from us and took a sip from her coffee, she’s acting weird. There’s no doubt about it.

         “Did you have fun at Disneyland yesterday Buddy?” I asked JJ, to break the silence.

         “Oh yeah! Can we go again after school?”

         I laughed and shook my head, “No, but we’ll go again sometime soon.  Breathe man, you’re going to choke, slow down.”

         He giggled again and finished his egg, “OK, I’m ready! Can we go now Mommy?”

         “No, slow down.  Wait for Daddy to finish, maybe he’ll drop you off on his way home.”

         What just happened?

         It’s been two months since the divorce has been final. Two months since Justin has officially moved out and I’ve been living here with JJ for half the week and alone for the other half. This whole thing isn’t exactly making me feel like I thought it would make me feel. In fact I’m beginning to think maybe I’ve made a huge mistake.

         The days that I have JJ are good, but it still feels like something is missing. I realize there’s a strong possibility that Justin is the thing that’s missing, but I still don’t think that’ll solve anything. Those days that JJ is with Justin are just completely unbearable. I spend the majority of the time in bed and have really never felt this lonely in my life.  I just want this crazy feeling to go away. I want everything to go back to the way it used to be.

         I waited by the door in my pajamas for my pizza to be delivered. The delivery boy, who was no more than 18, felt the need to give me that damn look of sympathy. I mean really, even the kid that delivers pizza is so judging.  I grabbed a can of Diet Pepsi and went back to bed, laying the pizza box down next to me before grabbing the remote. After turning the television on I grabbed a piece of pizza and took a deep breath, leaning back against the pillows.

         “Unless you’ve literally been living under a rock for the past few months you’ve heard about all the horrible things that have been going on in Justin Timberlake and his wife Kendall’s life. Ex-wife Kendall, sorry. A quick recap because we don’t want to talk about it too much because it really is an extremely sad story. Their baby was strangled by the umbilical cord during labor and did not make it. Obviously both Justin and Kendall and I would assume everyone close to them, of course no one as much as those two, have been going through a very hard time. I can’t even imagine how difficult these last few months have been for them.  Kendall filed for divorce and the two are living in different houses. Justin reportedly bought a three million dollar house not too far from their family home.”

         I couldn’t change the channel. I knew I should but I just couldn’t do it.

         “It’s a sad, sad story,” one of the other ladies broke in.

         “It definitely is. They were so sweet too. Justin’s been on the show and Kendall was here with him, along with their four-year-old son, Justin Jr. They were always so laid back and normal and never Hollywood. Really in love, it was something you could really notice within a few seconds of meeting them.”

         “Well, a lot of people think that they perhaps jumped into the divorce a little too soon and didn’t have enough time to actually work through everything they’re going through.  We don’t know the whole story so I hate to just assume things. What we want to talk about today is Justin Timberlake reportedly being seen out hitting the club scene in Hollywood a few days ago.  Witnesses say he was dancing and drinking all night, surrounded by girls, and even left with one. What do you think about that?”

         I feel sick. I’m going to throw up. Why am I watching this?

         “Well, first of all do we even know this happened or is it just tabloids making up stories?”

         “There are pictures, let’s show them. There’s Justin walking into the club and then these are not as clear but that’s Justin in the VIP with a group of girls, dancing…”

         Dancing? That is not dancing, that is like fucking on the dance floor. His hands are all over her. I’m going to be sick.

         I spent the rest of the afternoon in the bathroom, crying and throwing up or just laying on the floor looking at the ceiling. How is he going out with girls? Not even going out with girls, he’s going to clubs with the little slutty groupies and taking them home. Who does that? He doesn’t do that. Why is he doing it now?

         Not even to mention that we just got a divorce. He’s moved on pretty fucking fast. And here I am thinking maybe I made a mistake with this whole thing and he doesn’t give a shit. He’s too busy bringing the groupies back to his house, the house that my son is at right now.

         When I finally gained the strength to get myself out of the bathroom I noticed it was already 3:00, the time Justin is supposed to bring JJ back. Usually I try to get myself all beautified for this point in the week but he’ll be here any second so I don’t have time. As I walked down the stairs I could hear Justin knocking at the door. I’m not exactly sure why all of a sudden he knocks. I get that he doesn’t live here anymore but it’s weird that he knocks on his own door. It is his door, it’s his house. It’s been his house since before I even met him.

         I opened the door and JJ ran into my arms, immediately making me feel a million times better. “Hi Mommy! I missed you!”

         “Hi darling, I missed you so much. Were you good for your Daddy?”

         “Yeah, he was good,” Justin answered me since JJ already ran inside. “Are you alright?”

         “I’m fine,” I lied and reached for the door, “Thanks for bringing him back, we’ll see you next week.”

         Justin grabbed the door so I couldn’t close it in his face, “You’re not alright. Don’t act I haven’t known you for six years and can’t tell when something’s wrong.”

         I took a deep breath, it’s not fair that he can tell but I’m not going to get into it with him. Technically he can do what he wants, we’re divorced, and he’s allowed to move on. It’s just that it’s been two months and he’s moving on quick, with dirty sluts. “I’m fine, I just missed him.”

         “Alright,” he took a deep breath, “Call me if you need anything, alright? Anything Ken.”

         “I know. Thanks. Bye Justin.”

         Kendall is absolutely out of her mind if she thinks I’m just going to go home after all the shit that went down last night. She doesn’t even tell me to my face either, she tells our four year old son that I’ll take him to school on my way home.

         I did take him to school, and then I drove right back to the house. When I walked in Kendall was finishing cleaning up after breakfast.  She looked up at me and then back at the counter before speaking, “Back?”

         “Yeah, I’m back.” I’m trying to calm myself down so I don’t start yelling, that’s definitely not what I need right now. “Can we talk, maybe?”

         “Yeah, I… I have to get some stuff done but…”

         “Right, a couple minutes.”

         “OK,” she nodded her head and followed me into the living room. I can’t begin to explain how surprised I am that she’s ready to talk without putting up a fight. Although I’m sure I just jinxed it.  “What’s up?”

         “What’s up?” I laughed at the question. Really? “I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean last night you were all over me and then this morning you tell me to go home, without any kind of explanation.”

         “Sorry,” she spoke up softly before I could finish, “I thought you had stuff you needed to take care of.”

         “I didn’t.”

         “Alright.”

         That’s it?

         “I just like, um…” Ken continued, this isn’t going to be good, “I’m sorry about last night. It’s completely my fault and I shouldn’t have done that. I just got caught up in the day and, well, the past few days were really great. Sometimes, I just wish everything would go back to the way it was before everything happened.”

         “We can… work on that Ken, we can make things normal again.”

         She shook her head, “We can’t cause we’re divorced and… JJ’s getting really confused.”

         “No he’s not!” I didn’t mean to shout, I really didn’t. “Ken, don’t you see how happy he is when we’re together, the three of us? It’s like he’s in heaven. The things he says, the things he’s been saying. I mean, at first I thought it wasn’t hitting him, he’s just four. But the shit he says, he misses us together.”

         “I know! And it breaks my heart but what am I supposed to do?”

         “Give us a chance? We never tried to work through it, we should have tried. It’s not too late to give it a shot.”

         She didn’t answer for a few minutes; she just looked at the dark television as if it were telling her the secret to life. “It’s just… alright.” She took a deep breath as if she has something really important that she’s been fighting with herself to say for years. She turned on the couch so she was facing me and licked her lips nervously before she began. This is not going to be good. “When we first got divorced and you just bought your house.  A couple months later, two maybe three. Two months, I don’t know why I’m pretending that I don’t know exactly, I know the exact fucking date. Anyway, you were with people… girls, you were with girls. Lots of them. And the divorce just was finalized and you moved on, so fucking fast. You moved on to slutty bimbos that probably can’t spell their own last name. I was home with JJ, going absolutely crazy and you were out with these girls.”

         Shit.

         “It doesn’t matter… or it shouldn’t matter,” she continued, wiping her eyes as if she could get them fast enough that I wouldn’t notice. “It shouldn’t matter because we were divorced and you’re allowed to do that. It’s none of my business. Its just… being with someone else was like the furthest thing from my mind. It’s not like we fell out of love, you even said that. So it’s like, I don’t understand how you could do that. Or why you would want to do that. I just don’t get it.”

         “All of that stuff was blown completely out of proportion and you know how that happens.”

         “I do,” she answered softly, “Which is why I’m asking you. It’s totally fine because we’re divorced and you’re completely allowed to do whatever you want to do. But, I mean, there were pictures of you.”

         She says it’s totally fine but judging by the fact that she’s trying really hard not to break down and crawl into a ball crying I’d say that’s complete bullshit.  “I’m not going to lie to you Kendall. I was completely lost and confused and always madly in love with you. But, you wanted a divorce and you didn’t want anything to do with me. I mean, you wouldn’t even say two words to me when I’d bring JJ back or pick him up. I thought that’s what I needed.” Now she’s crying completely, she’s not even trying to hide it anymore. “Listen Ken, let me finish. I thought it was what I needed and I took this girl home, I don’t even remember her name. It was absolutely horrible and embarrassing even. A complete disaster, I don’t know how she never sold the story to the tabloids. I think she just felt bad for me. That was it; I never brought another girl home. I felt sick afterwards, I knew it wasn’t what I needed. Yeah, sure, I went out, I went to clubs, I danced with girls but that’s it. There was never anything more than that. I promise,” I looked into her eyes so she could tell I was telling the truth. I don’t lie to her, I never really have, unless you count the time we were lost in the woods. I’m not going to start lying to her now.

         Ken stopped crying, I don’t know if that has any significance. I don’t know what else to say or do. I hate this confusing shit, it never used to be confusing and awkward, it used to be easy.

         “What are we going to do?”

         “I think we just need to relax and stop trying to figure out what we’re going to do. We need to stop worrying about what we should be doing and what everyone else thinks we should be doing and just do it.  Do what we want.”

         Ken nodded her head and spoke softly, “I want you to stay.”

         “Then I’m staying.”

         She nodded her head and started crying again. “Don’t cry Baby, come on, I hate seeing you cry.” I said as I pulled her in my arms.

         “If it’s a boy we’re naming him Justin.”

         “No, that’s stupid.” I said as I lay on the couch, resting my head on Justin’s lap.

         “That’s not stupid at all, how is that stupid?” he asked as he rubbed my belly, just like he’d done since that night I told him I was pregnant and every night during the six months up until today.

         “Because. How is it not stupid? That’s your name, it’s going to be pure confusion.”

         “Not at all. We can call him Junior.”

         “Eww, absolutely not. That’s so Tennessee”

         Justin chuckled, “We are so Tennessee.”

         “We’re not that kind of Tennessee. Not the white-trash-red-neck-I-name-my-son-Junior kind of Tennessee. Why don’t we just name him Billy Bob?”

         “Billy Bob? That’s got a certain ring to it,” I slapped his chest as he spoke, “fine, what do you suggest?”

         “I like Logan.”

         “That’s an airport. Why don’t we just name him La Guardia?”

         I laughed, “I like Logan though. What about Jackson?”

         “Jackson is the countryest name I’ve ever heard in my life, are you kidding?”

         “Countryest? Is that a word, sweetie?”

         “If we name our kid Jackson we can make it a word,” he laughed before leaning down and kissing me gently, “No Jackson.”

         “Fine, no Jackson. What about Kennedy?”

         “What is it with you and former presidents? No! What’s next, Lincoln? Clinton? Washington?”

         “Alright, stop,” I whined, “Justin is just so weird, it’ll be too confusing.”

         “How will it be confusing?”

         “Because! What if people are over and I go upstairs for a minute. And when I get back they ask where I was and I say Justin pooped his pants and I was changing him.”

         Justin laughed, “Ah, good point.”

         “That would be super embarrassing for you, I’m just looking out for you.”

         “You sure are,” he laughed again, “We could call him JJ.”

         “JJ… I actually kinda like that.”

         “Of course you do. I’m smart, I know what you like. It’s way better than Logan or fucking Jackson.”

         I took a deep breath, “Fine but only if you promise that no one will EVER call him Junior.”

         “I promise. We’ll kick their ass if they try!”

         “Good,” I giggled, “And what if it’s a girl? Can we name her Kendall?”

         “If that’s what you want babe.”

         “It’s not what I want.”

         “I know. You like Jenny after your Mama.”

         “Jenny Lynn, after our Mamas.”

         “I love it,” he said leaning down to kiss me again, “I love you.”

         “I love you… and I love milkshakes. Can you go get me a milkshake? Please? A chocolate peanut butter one.”

         “Yeah, I could go for some ice cream, why don’t you come with me?”

         “I’m tired,” I whined.

         “You’re tired? I’ve been dancing since eight this morning.”

         “So, I’ve been busy too.”

         “I know,” he said to keep me quiet, he didn’t really know he just doesn’t want me to complain, “I just haven’t seen you all day and you could come, I mean you’re just sitting in a car. It’s a nice night, we could go for a job.”

         “Justin,” I whined again, “The doctor said…”

         “Alright, alright, get up so I can go,” he stood up and headed to the door, “A chocolate peanut butter milkshake.”

         “From Sundaes. And some French fries.”

         “Alright, that’s it?”

         “And maybe a pizza.”

         “Maybe a pizza?” he laughed loudly, “Are you serious? Maybe a pizza? Like that’s a side order or something. You want a fucking pizza to go with your milkshake?”

         “Well god, if you’re going to get all mean and be mad about it…”

         “I’m not mad. Baby, I’m laughing. It’s just funny. I know you’re pregnant and that’s how it works. What do you want on your pizza?”

         “Pepperoni and olives,” I pouted.

         “From where? Pizza Hut?” I nodded my head, “Anything else?”

         “Yeah, breadsticks.”

         He chuckled again; “We just ate two hours ago.” he stopped laughing when he saw the dirty look I was giving him. It’s like he doesn’t understand that I’m eating for two. He drives me absolutely crazy sometimes, “Alright, sorry. I love you!”

         “Just shut up and go.”

~*~*~*~*~

         “Are you crying?”

         “No.”

         I chuckled as I noticed a tear roll down her cheek, “Yes you are! Why are you crying?”

         “Shut up.  I am not.”

         “Don’t cry,” I said as I put my arm around her and pulled her close. We sat in two tiny chairs getting ready to watch our son graduate from preschool.

         “He’s just so grown up. I feel like we were just laying on the couch thinking up baby names.”

         I nodded my head, shit now she’s going to make me cry. It is hard to believe that our son is graduating from preschool. At first I thought it was a little ridiculous that there’s even a graduation but right now as I’m watching him walk in with a little handmade cap and gown I don’t know what I was thinking.

         He’s all grown up.

         Before we know it he’s going to be graduating from college and moving out and getting married and having kids of his own and not spending any time with us.

         “He’s the cutest kid up there, you know that right?”

         Kendall giggled and elbowed me in the side, “Shh, you’re so loud. He is though, he totally is.”

         We watched JJ walk into the room, smiling bigger than any of the other kids.  He waved at us when he saw us and we waved back, I think our smiles were even bigger than his.  That’s my boy up there, hamming it up singing his heart out.  The kids all sang a bunch of songs and then sat down as the teacher got ready to hand them their diplomas.

         “Junior Timberlake.”

         Ken jumped up so fast you’d think she just got a Bingo. I jumped up with her and clapped while everyone looked at us like we’re crazy.

         JJ giggled as he walked up to get his diploma, “That’s my Mommy and Daddy they’re silly! Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy!”

         “Hi darling,” Ken smiled and waved like a crazy person. Well we definitely gave everyone a laugh, that’s for sure.  I guess it’s pretty obvious this is our first preschool graduation. I grabbed onto her arm as I sat down, pulling her down with me. I saw the second her smile slid off her face and she realized it, “Did she just call him Junior?”

         I chuckled and nodded my head before leaning to whisper in her ear, “Are you going to kick her ass or am I?”

         “You are,” she giggled, “the deal was you would kick the ass of whoever called our son Junior.”

         “Yeah, but I can’t hit a girl.”

         “Yes you can, and you will. You promised.”

~*~**~*~*~

         “I’m home,” I called out to a dark house. Shit, it’s not like I expected a welcome back party but I’ve been gone a week you’d think Kendall would at least leave a light on for me. “Anyone home?”

         “I’m in the bedroom,” I heard Kendall from upstairs and dropped my bag at the door before making my way upstairs.  I stopped in JJ’s room quickly, walking over to the crib where he was sound asleep. I missed that little bugger. I used to be all right with the touring and weeklong trips to New York but I’m starting to think it’s not exactly for me. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with having to tour again.

         “Hey Babe, where you at?” I asked as I walked into the bedroom.

         “Right here,” she stepped out of the bathroom wearing some sexy black lingerie.

         “There you are,” I smiled when I saw her and looked her over. She’s just three months pregnant but she’s got that little baby bump I swear she didn’t have a week ago. “I missed you so much baby. Look at you, you got your bump!”

         “Justin,” she whined, “No bumps, really? How about anything else about me?”

         My eyes went right to her chest, “Yes, your pregnant boobs are back.”

         Ken giggled, “I missed you baby.”

         “I know, I missed you too. How was JJ, alright?”

         “Yes Justin, he was fine. We talked like every day, multiple times a day.”

         “Sorry,” I chuckled, “I missed you guys.”

         “I miss you too, baby.”

         She said that before. She’s trying really hard to be sexy and strut around the room but honestly all I can think about is that she’s got her little baby bump and that makes me so damn excited, and not exactly in the way she’s trying to get me excited.  “Come over here,” I said as I sat down at the foot of the bed. Ken walked over slowly and stood in front of me. I lifted up her nightgown so I could see her belly and kissed it quickly, “I can’t believe you got your bump while I was gone.”

         Ken took a deep annoyed breath, “Justin. I’m trying to seduce you.”

         “I see that,” I couldn’t help but laugh.

         “Why isn’t it working?” she pouted

         “I’m sorry baby, I’m just excited to see you and your bump. I didn’t think you’d get it already, and it just popped up.” I wrapped my arms around her and fell on the bed, pulling her down with me, “But it’s working, you’ve seduced me, carry on.”

~*~*~*~*~

         “You did absolutely amazing today JJ, we’re so proud of you!” I said as we drove back to the house after his graduation. I feel like he’s growing up too fast. How is he possibly done with preschool? He’s my little baby!

         “You were a complete pro out there man,” Justin agreed as he looked back at JJ who was just giggling and smiling in the backseat. He’s too cute for words. “Did you have fun?”

         “Oh yeah! So much fun Daddy. And you know what was the best part? That you was there and Mommy was there. AND Granny and Nana and Grandpa and Papa and everyone was there! And Auntie Kay and Rachael and everybody was there!”

         “When you get older,” Justin began looking back at him, “You need to promise me that you’re still going to get excited when we’re around and you‘re not going to get married and have kids and forget about us.”

         Well that kind of came out of nowhere. He’s definitely being serious, he’s not joking at all.

         JJ giggled, “Daddy, you’re silly!”

         Justin pulled into our driveway and turned the car off before looking back at JJ again, “Just say you promise.”

         “I promise Daddy! I promise! Unlock the door, I wanna get out!”

         I reached over to unlock the door and watched JJ jump out of the car. “What was that about?”

         “I just… I don’t know. He’s getting so old. I don’t want him to get old and forget about us.”

         “Aww Justin, he’s not going to forget about us. It’s just preschool,” I said as I placed my hand on his lap.

         “I know, I know. I want him to stay young and cute forever.”

         “That’s sweet.  He’ll be cute forever, even if he’s not young.”

         Justin laughed, “Look at me, getting all emotional at a stupid preschool graduation.”

         “Hey!” I slapped his arm, “that is our son’s stupid preschool graduation. Watch it!”

         “Mommy! Come on! It’s my party and I can’t get in the house!

         I laughed as I got out of the car, “Oh my JJ, calm yourself. The party can’t start without you.”

         “Are you excited little man?” Justin asked as he walked around to the door, “You want some cake?”

         ‘Yeah! I want cake, and pizza!”

         “Alright graduate, we got some nice surprises for you today.” Justin said as he unlocked the door and I moved so I could see JJ’s reaction. He’s going to go crazy.

         Justin opened the door where the dogs were jumping around and JJ screamed, “OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!! THE DOGGIES! I missed you! Are you guys staying here now? Are you? Are you staying???”

         Justin and I laughed as JJ waited for the dogs to answer him. I know that he’s aware that they don’t talk but he’s just way too excited.

         “Are they staying Mommy? Can they stay Daddy?”

         “Yeah man, they’re staying.”

         “Yay! Today is the best day ever!”

         “It is, isn’t it?” Justin asked with a laugh, “Go on inside, they’re going to run out.”

         JJ ran inside and the dogs followed him. They miss him too, probably more than he misses them. If that’s possible.  Justin’s been staying here for the past two weeks, so the poor dogs were staying with Rachael the whole time. I say the poor dogs, I should say poor Rachael. I did miss them though; I never thought I’d say that.  “Today is the best day EVER,” I mimicked JJ and wrapped my arms around Justin’s waist.

         “Except for the whole our son graduating fucking preschool.” He laughed before kissing my forehead, “Besides that, definitely best day ever!”

         “Helllo?” my mother knocked on the door before coming into the house, “Is this where the party is?”

         “Come on in Ma,” I said as I moved away from Justin. I now feel like we’re not supposed to be together since we are divorced. This situation is weird but it’s a good kind of weird… at least I think it is. “JJ’s busy with the dogs, he’ll ignore everyone for the next few hours. Thanks for coming up for his graduation. He’s really excited everyone came.”

         “Well of course Darling, we weren’t about to miss our only grandson’s preschool graduation,” my mother said as she made her way into the kitchen and gave me and Justin a hug, “How are you doing Justin? JJ was just like you up there, singing his little heart out.”

         “Yeah, I’m not as big of a ham as he is,” Justin laughed, “Can I get you guys a drink?”

         “Yeah, let me give you a hand with that, son,” my father said as he followed Justin to the yard. I was quite surprised that my father called Justin ‘son’ again. Sure, he did it all the time when we were married but he hardly talked to Justin after the divorce, even when we were all together. My family definitely took my side with everything, even though I kind of wish they hadn’t.  Justin was right, they just went along with whatever I said and didn’t try to set me straight.

         “Where’s this cake I’ve heard so much about?” my mother asked after they made it outside.

         “Oh it’s super cute. Kay helped me with it. It’s over here.”

         “Adorable,” my mother said as she looked at the cake for about two seconds before continuing, “What’s the deal with you and Justin?”

         Well I knew that was going to come up at some point but I didn’t think it would happen like this. “JJ, why don’t you take the dogs outside and play with Daddy and Papa.” JJ ignored me completely as he continued laughing and playing with the dogs, “JJ!” I snapped my fingers, “Focus.”

         “What Mommy? I’m playing with the doggies!”

         “I know you are darling, but I think you should take them outside and play, it’s so nice out. Daddy is out there with Papa and you didn’t even say hi to Nana.”

         “Hi Nana, did you see me singing?”

         “Yes I sure did sweetheart, you were amazing.”

         “I know,” JJ giggled.

         I laughed as I watched him, “You’re supposed to say thank you to that, and not I know.”

         “Oh.” He giggled some more, “Thank you Nana.”

         “Alright darling, outside.”

         “Come on doggies! Outside!”

         “So then,” my mother said as she followed me back into the kitchen to help me get the food ready, “What’s the deal?”

         “What’s the deal? I don’t know Ma. We talked and we never really talked before. We’re just trying to figure it out.”

         “So he’s back living here while you figure it out?” I nodded my head, “Do you think that’s a smart idea? Don’t you think it may be confusing for JJ?”  

         “Mom, Justin is JJ’s father. It’s not like he’s just some random guy that I decided I’d let move in. that would confuse JJ.”

         “I know that sweetie, I just think you have to be careful with JJ.”

         “I know, you know I’m careful with him. But JJ is so happy when we’re all here together, since we split up.”

         “Yes. I see that too. It’s good to see you smiling again, too. Your father and I were saying we haven’t seen you this happy since before…” she trailed off, unable to finish. 

         “Jenny Lynn,” I finished the sentence for her. I know she stopped because she was afraid of how I’d react, and I’ll be the first to admit in the past I haven’t exactly reacted like a sane human being when it comes to Jenny Lynn. But, I think I’m finally learning to deal with it. “I am happy.”

         “I’m glad. Justin makes you happy.” I nodded my head, “And you love him?”

         “I’ve always loved him Mom.”

         “I know you have. We love him too. You know that, right sweetie?”

         “I do.”

         “We want you to be happy and of course we want what’s best for you and JJ. But, I think this is a good idea and I’m glad you’re finally figuring everything out and talking. You need to let Justin help, he wants to help you deal with everything.”

         “I know, I am.”

         Maybe she should have told me all this when I was planning the divorce. I don’t understand why they were all for it back then.  I’m not blaming them, obviously it’s all my fault, but maybe if they would have told me I was making a mistake I would have listened and saved us from the past year of bullshit. I probably wouldn’t have, but it could have helped.

         I fell on the couch next to JJ and pulled him on my lap. “Did you have a good day, darling?”

         “Uh huh,” JJ yawned and rested his head on my shoulder, “A real good day!”

         “Me too. You’re so old. You’re not a baby anymore.”

         “I know. I’m a big kid!”

         I laughed as I wrapped my arms around him tighter, “You sure are.” I don’t really want him to be a big kid. I get that’s how the whole having a kid thing works but why do they have to grow up? It really hit me today, and obviously Justin’s little freak-out didn’t help. There’s not going to be that much longer that I can hold him like this, hell pretty soon he’s not going to want to be caught dead in my arms like this.  I don’t want that to ever happen!

         “Guess what my favorite part was!”

         “Hmmm,” I ran my hands though his curly hair, “Easy. The cake.”

         “No! Pick again.”

         “You didn’t like my cake?” I pouted.

         “No, no I did Mommy!” he pulled away from me and kissed my forehead before sitting on my lap, his face a foot from mine, “It was yummy, it just wasn’t my favorite part!”

         I laughed at his excitement, and how he actually bought my horrible acting skills when I pretended to be disappointed.

         “Guess what it was Mommy!”

         “Hmm… was it having nana and papa over?”

         “Nope!”

         I’m sure Nana and Papa would be happy to hear that. “Let’s see was it… singing your song in front of everyone?”

         “Oh yeah! I mean no, not my favorite!”

         I love this kid so much. I can’t even explain. “I don’t know JJ. Was it… getting to go swimming?”

         “No! You’re not good at this game, Mommy! I’ll give you a hint, ok? They’re my best friends and they go woof woof and they like to eat my broccoli so I don’t gotta eat in no more!” he stopped and covered his mouth with his hands. “Uh oh.”

         “Are you telling me that you feed the dogs your broccoli when we’re not looking?”

         “Uh oh,” he repeated.

         “What oh?” Justin asked as he came into the living room and sat next to us, “What’s going on?”

         “Daddy! Daddy! Guess what my favorite part of today was?” JJ crawled on his father’s lap, hoping I’ll forget about his recent confession.

         “Easy! The dogs!”

         “Yes! Daddy got it first try! High five Daddy! Yay!”

         “JJ, just admitted that he feeds the dogs his broccoli when we’re not looking and he’s glad the dogs are back so he won’t have to eat his broccoli anymore,” I crossed my arms over my chest pretending to be angry. I’m not; I don’t think anything could ruin today, definitely not this. I don’t know why I make him eat broccoli anyway. I used to hate it when I was a kid. Actually, I’m pretty sure I fed it to my dog too. I should have known better!

         Justin chuckled, “That’s impossible because the dogs were with me and I never made him eat broccoli.”

         “Before!” JJ said before covering his mouth again.

         “Oh boy,” I laughed as I stood up, “I think we better get you to bed before you confess to killing that bird we found in the yard.”

~~~

         I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this whole Justin being away for months at a time thing. I get that it’s his job, but what the hell? Who does that kind of shit? We just started dating and he’s been gone two weeks and I feel like I forget what he looks like already. All right, obviously that’s a huge lie; I couldn’t forget what he looks like if I tried.

         It’s finals week, so in theory it should be a good thing that he’s gone so I can actually focus on school for once since I’ve been seriously slacking ever since we met. But in reality, I’m pretty sure all I do is think about this man and I have hardly even opened a book to study. I’m also pretty sure I just wrote a persuasive essay on my English Comp final persuading my boyfriend to quit his job, buy an island, and run away with me. So yeah, the whole school thing isn’t looking so good.

         We talk every day, multiple times a day actually. I can hear the guys making fun of him in the background. It doesn’t seem to bother him though; he even tells me he loves me when they’re around. That’s a first for me, a definite first.

         My phone rang as I pulled into the parking lot of my building. I felt a huge, almost annoying, smile cover my face when I saw who it was. “Hi!”

         “Hey,” he chuckled, “Where are you?”

         “Where are you in the question.”

         “I am… I don’t know baby, you kill me with this question every day. I’m in… oh! Georgia, obviously. Atlanta. ATL.”

         “Did you have a show?”

         “Nah, a day off. We got in early this morning; I’ve been sleeping most of the day. Then I watched some TV, not all that exciting. I think we’re going to get some food delivered and maybe hit the pool tonight after they close it down. So, that’s it for me. Where are you?”

         “I’m just walking into my apartment.”

         “Good, get on your computer.”

         “Listen to you with the orders,” I laughed as I walked into my apartment greeted by Justin’s dogs jumping on me.

         “Please get on your computer,” he repeated softer before laughing, “I can hear my dogs, are they driving you nuts yet?”

         “Absolutely.”

         “No, really? I told you that you don’t have to watch them.”

         I laughed as I pet the dog on his cute little head, “No, I’m not going to send them to a kennel for months at a time. It’s not going to happen. They’re fine, I was kidding. They’re kinda growing on me.”

         “Good, now get on your computer.”

         “It’s turning on, relax.”

         “Good, I’m impatient.”

         “I noticed,” I laughed although I was wishing my computer would turn on much faster. This is taking far too long; I want to see him too. It really makes everything so much easier when I can talk to him and actually see him on the computer.

         “Your computer is too slow, you need a new one. I’m going to get you a new one.”

         “It is not too slow! You’re not buying me a new computer; I just got this a year and a half ago. Ok, it’s on.” I sat on the couch and placed my laptop on the coffee table and waved like an idiot when I saw his face cover my screen, “hi!”

         “Hey there,” he smiled, “It’s good to see you.”

         “You too. I miss you.”

         “I miss you too. A lot. More than I’ve ever missed anyone before.”

         “Then you should just quit. Come back here and pick me up and we can run away to some island or something.”

         “Alright,” Justin answered with a quick laugh, “I’ll quit if you quit.”

         “K, you got yourself a deal. Want to see the dogs? I can move my laptop.”

         “No! I don’t want to see them, I want to see you.”

         “Ok,” I rolled my eyes and grabbed my lunch, “I’m going to eat my lunch, alright? I’m starving.”

         “Yeah, eat away. What did you get?”

         “Just a stir-fry”

         “Sounds good. So tell me about what’s new since the last time we talked.”

         “Um, not a lot babe. Just studying, not exciting at all.”

         “Yeah, same here. We live such planned lives, we need some spontaneity.”

         “You could come back, that’d be real spontaneous,” I said as I fed the dog some of my food.

         “Did you just slip my dog some food?”

         “Um… no?”

         He laughed, “I saw you! What’d you give him?”

         “Just a piece of broccoli.”

         “I thought you like broccoli.”

         “I do, but Bailey likes it more,” I laughed as I threw another piece down, “I only like broccoli when it’s smushy and this is hard and crispy so I’m not all for it, ya’know?”

         “Of course,” he smiled, “You’re crazy.”

         “You love it.”

         “I do. I have something to show you, give me a sec.”

         “Alright,” I continued eating as he played around on his computer, “What is it?”

         “Patience my dear, now who’s the one that needs to relax?”

         “I guess that would be me,” I laughed, “hurry up!”

         He chuckled, “alright babe, check your email.”

         There is a strong possibility I just squealed, “This is exciting, it’s like Christmas.”

         “Don’t get too excited, it’s not like I bought you a car or something,” he laughed as I tried to focus on my email, “You’re so fucking cute when you’re all concentrating.”

         “Shut up,” I whined, feeling myself turn red.

         “Alright, let me know when you open it.”

         “OK, I’m opening it!”

         Justin laughed at my excitement, “You’re such a nerd. Open the first picture.”

         “I’m not a nerd, be nice,” I laughed as I opened the first picture of him on stage at a show holding his hand up with the word ‘I’ written on his palm. “Cute, look at you all hot and sweaty up on stage.”

         “Yeah? You like that?”

         “Yeah, kinda sexy.”

         “Alright,” Justin laughed, “Try to control yourself. Open the next one.”

         “Ok, I’m trying to control myself,” I laughed as I opened the next picture, which was of him, still on stage, playing a guitar with a heart on it. “Ooh I like this one even better.”

         “Keep going.”

         I laughed as I opened the third picture that was of him with the word ‘you’ written on the leg of his pants. That was the point that I felt my heart literally melt. I never thought that was possible, and when my friends told me how in love they were with some guy I always kind of rolled my eyes. But that was the moment that I actually got it. I continued looking through the pictures of him on stage, in front of thousands, with words written on different parts of him. One set said ‘I love you’ one said ‘I miss you’.  The last picture made me laugh, a picture of all the guys on stage standing in a row, each of them having a different word on their shirts. Spelling out ‘we all miss you <3”.

         “That’s so sweet Justin, you’re going to make me cry.”

         “No, no don’t cry,” he laughed, “That’s not what I was going for.”

         “I love you. And I miss you terribly. I miss all of you,” I laughed.

         “Good,” he smiled as he grabbed a bottle of water and took a sip, “So, you’re done Friday?”

         “Yeah, one more final and I’m done.”

         “Then what?”

         “What am I going to do?” I asked and watched him nod his head, “Relax. Play with the puppies more, I was thinking I’d take them for a walk up on the canyon. Do you think they could handle it?”

         “Um…” he’s playing around on the computer again, “Yeah, I don’t know. I mean probably, if you take someone with you. Not by yourself with both of them.  Not by yourself in general up there.”

         “I know, there’s all those serial killers.” I answered sarcastically.

         “Nah, I’m serious though Ken.  A lot of shit goes down up there. You shouldn’t go by yourself. Plus there’s all those coyotes,” he smiled, “Anyway, don’t get me distracted, I’m trying to talk.”

         “You are talking.’

         Justin laughed sarcastically, “So, as I was saying, since you’re done Friday you should come out here.”

         That kind of caught me by surprise. “To Atlanta?”

         “Well, that’s the thing. I’ll be in Memphis. It works out, huh? You can come down Saturday. I have a show Saturday night and then a couple days off until I’m somewhere in Virginia. It’ll work out you can come with me for a little bit. I mean, if you want.”

         I didn’t even try to hide the smile on my face. The thought of getting to see him in three days is absolutely amazing. And it’s so cute the way he comes up with this stuff and then gets all nervous towards the end.

         “You could meet my mom,” he continued, “She’s been asking about you, she wants to meet you.”

         “My parents want to meet you too.”

         “See then, it all works out. We could all do dinner after the show. I could get them tickets. Or no, that’d be weird. Would that be weird?”

         “Why would it be weird?” I laughed.

         “Because it’s like, hey come to an NSYNC concert and watch the guy your daughter is dating get screamed at by a bunch of teenyboppers that faint as he walks by.”

         “Oh they faint, do they really?” I asked sarcastically.

         “Sometimes.” I laughed at his reply, “They do! It’s kinda like those fainting goats, no body has any control over it.”

         “You’re funny.”

         “You’ll see.”

         “I’m excited to see that,” I laughed.

         “Good, you’ll see it then.” Justin laughed, “Anyway, distractions. So you’re coming then?”

         “Yeah, I’m coming. But, I’ll only come if you let me buy my own ticket. I have extra money from loans and…”

         “Oh yeah, that makes complete sense. Please, use the money you have borrowed from the government and have to pay back plus a high interest to come see me. Complete sense.” He answered sarcastically, “Not going to happen, Babe. It’s already done.”

         “What do you mean it’s already done?”

         “Check your email.”

         I opened my email again to see a ticked confirmation waiting for me. “Ugh, you already bought me a ticket? I hate when you do that stuff.”

         “When I do that stuff?” he chuckled, “When have I ever bought you a plane ticket? I love that you hate when I do that kind of stuff, but I’m not going to stop. So, you need to get used to it, even if you don’t like it.”

         “That doesn’t seem fair,” I pouted.

         “It’s completely fair. You’re the only girl in the world that complains when her boyfriend wants to buy her stuff.”

         “No. You can buy me like dinner or flowers but a new computer because mine takes a whole minute to turn on or plane ticket home is a little extravagant.”

         “It’s not Ken, deal with it.” I heard a door open and Justin turned away from the computer and told whoever it was he’d be down in a minute. “I have to go, I’ll call you later.”

         “Fine, good way to get out of the conversation. Pretend someone came to the door and told you you had to go,” I answered with a smile.

         Justin laughed, “God, I miss you. I can’t wait to see you Ken. Saturday, you’re leaving at 8 in the morning. I was going to get you a later flight so you don’t have to get up so early but then you’d be late getting here and I’m selfish like that.”

         “8 is fine,” I laughed.

         “Alright good. I’ll call you later then. Bye Kendall. I love you.”

         “Bye Justin. I love you too.”

~*~*~*~*~

         “I think that was a good day,” I said as I fell on the bed, ready to pass out. It was a very good day, very productive. My little guy is all grown up. That sucks.

         “It was an amazing day,” Kendall smiled as she crawled into bed next to me, resting her head on my chest. I’ve missed this more than I can even say. “Are you feeling better about everything?”

         “Yeah,” I nodded my head and ran my hand through her hair, “It’s just weird thinking he’s going to real school in the fall.  And it’s just him, ya’know. He’s all we got. That’s it for babies.”

         Shit. I always manage to bring that stuff up and ruin everything. Why don’t I ever think before I speak? Here comes a breakdown.

         “I know,” Kendall answered after a few seconds of silence, “but that doesn’t mean that’s it. I mean, we’re still young.  I don’t think that means we necessarily have to be done do you? I mean, I think, it’d be something to talk about… having more kids. Not now but I mean… if we… like… well… you know.”

         “Yeah, I know.” I’m glad she’s laying on my chest and not looking at me right now because there’s no way I could hide the smile that has found it’s way to my face since she just said we could have more kids. Things may be finally be going back to normal.

         “We should take JJ to Disneyland to celebrate.”

         I laughed out loud at that one, she caught me off guard, “We just went to Disneyland.”

         “So?” she giggled, “Fine. Where should we take him then?”

         “Ken, remember how we spoil him and we didn’t want to spoil him? And when we were in Vegas he refused to sleep in Rachel’s room because the bed wasn’t big enough or soft enough.”

         “Oh yeah,” she whined, “Fine. We won’t take him anywhere. That wasn’t cool.” She traced my chest with her finger as if she was really thinking about something. “So my mom, when you were out talking to my dad and before everyone else came, she was asking what was going on. Anyway she said how she could see I’m happy again and that she knows how much I love you. And how much you love me and how you were always looking out for me and wanted to get me help when I needed it and…” she trailed off.

         “It’s ok, Ken.”

         “It’s really not. I really wish she had said something back then. I know I probably wouldn’t have listened but still.  I felt like I was doing the right thing because you were the only one that said I wasn’t. I know I should have listened to you more than anyone else because you knew what I was going through but I didn’t. I’m just really sorry. And I feel like my parents could have stopped it. I shouldn’t blame them, I know but…”

         “Your dad apologized to me today,” I broke in to save her, “He said that they should have been on my side but they were worried about you and they thought they had to let you do what you were going to do. They thought you’d do it anyway and if they said you were wrong then you’d turn against them too. It’s alright Kendall, I guess I kind of understand where they’re coming from.”

         “I’m glad he talked to you. This whole thing is just such a mess, I’m really sorry.”

         “I know you are Kendall, it’s fine. We’re doing alright now.”

         She nodded her head before crawling on top of me, “I know and that really makes me so happy. I just want to make sure that it stays like this. I want to go and find somebody, a counselor. And I know I said that before but I mean it. I really want to.”

         “OK.”

         “You don’t have to come, I just want to make sure that I…”

         “I’ll come, I’ll definitely go. This is good. I like this.”

         “Good, I like it too,” she smiled before gently pressing her lips against mine, “I really am happier than I have been in a really really long time.”

         “Me too Ken, me too.”