Part One - Bianca Was A Weirdo

Bianca was a weirdo. Everyone always said so, and I have to say that I, as your totally unbiased and definitely not bitter towards Bianca in any way narrator, completely agree. She was a freak. Still is, actually, but that’s not really the point because we aren’t talking about now, we’re talking about then. Then being a few years ago. Bianca was a HUGE weirdo, even when we were, like, four. Once she was at my house when we were kids because her parents were out of town and we, as the nice next door neighbors, were babysitting and she definitely drew all over herself in blue marker. She tried to get me to do it too, and I was persuaded enough that I drew a Smurf (or a blue blob that I called a Smurf) on my arm, but I didn’t go covering my whole body in the stuff. I wasn’t quite that weird.

It was foreshadowing, really, since the older we got the more she did things like that. Except somewhere along the line, blue marker turned into tattoos and piercings and the occassional blue streaks in the hair. Just as when we were younger, I went along with it sometimes. “Taylor, come get your ‘insert your preferred body part’ pierced with me!� generally resulted in my coming along and getting an extra piercing in my ear or something, and “Taylor, come get your hair dyed with me!� was indefinitely a precursor to my tagging along and buying something I could wash out of my hair the next day. Like I said, I was a little off myself, but nowhere on Bianca’s level.

And yes, it’s true, I was a weirdo as well and that’s probably why Bianca and I were best friends from the moment we met at age 3. No one else would have put up with her for long periods of time and vice versa. We were the outcasts in school in the sense that no one cast us out, we cast all of them out and forgot to tell them, if you know what I mean. Or even if you don’t. We had each other and that’s all that really mattered because, hell, who wanted to be friends with any of the other kids in Orlando, Florida anyway? Not me, that’s who. Well, I kind of did, but Bianca didn’t and I went along with what she wanted because, hey, she was Bianca. As outgoing and crazy as she was, and despite the fact that she was what my very old-fashioned Jewish mother would call a “vilde chayea� (she said it in an affectionate way, but nevertheless, I never told Bianca what it meant), she was still my best friend and I eventually convinced myself she was all that mattered.

Even when we got to high school and everyone decided Bianca was cool with all her piercings, tattoos, and beautiful long blonde, blue highlighted hair, she wasn’t too interested in having anything to do with them. The most popular guys in school would ask her out and she’d laugh for a good five minutes before sighing and giving them a semi-apologetic, “no.� Every clique in school tried to get her to join and she’d just smile and shake her head before grabbing my hand and saying, “Come on, Taylor,� and dragging me off to do something I undoubtedly did not want to do.

I have to say, I was very grateful for Bianca’s indifference towards everyone other than me, because while she was the kind of weird that was cool in our school, I was the kind of weird that was not. I was tall and gangly with a big nose, horrible frizzy hair, a “weird Jewish family� and “boy’s name� as they were referred to my schoolmates (real progressive, those kids), no recognizable fashion sense aside from the few things Bianca bought me for my birthdays and Hanukkah, and a deep seated interest in all things uncool. Like baking. I think baking is very cool, but apparently no one else agreed. Even Bianca.

“So, what do you want to do this weekend?� she asked me one Friday in March of our junior year as we walked slowly back to my house.

“Well, I found this new recipe that I really want to try and I was thinking on Sunday,� I began, but was cut off soon enough by my best friend’s easily recognizable groan.

“Taylor,� she whined. “No. No, no, no. We’re definitely going out. Saturday night, you and I are going-“

“Sabbath, loser,� I took my turn to cut her off succinctly and she groaned again, rolling her eyes. Many times she told me I should “ditch Judaism,� since I “didn’t really believe in it anyway.� One, that wasn’t entirely true. I believed in it in the sense that I had nothing else to believe in, so it was good enough for me. And two, ditch Judaism while living in a house with my immigrant mother and fairly modern (hence the name “Taylor�) yet very religious and adamant father? Yeah, I’ll just go do that.

“Fine. Sunday you and I are going to-“

“Not do whatever you’re about to suggest because I am-“

“You’re not going to spend your whole weekend Sabbathing and baking, Taylor! I demand that-“

“Sabbathing? Sabbath is a verb now?�

“Goddammit, stop interrupting me!�

“Ooooh, don’t let my mum here you say that, you vilde chayea,� I scolded playfully. Bianca glared at me fiercely.

“What the hell does that even mean?� she asked sharply. I told her once it meant, “kind child,� but apparently she wasn’t convinced. I couldn’t imagine why.

“I told you, it means-“

“Kind child, yeah, yeah. Bullshit, you little, uh...bullshitter.�

“Nice, B. Real nice.�

“Thank you.�

As you can see, Bianca and I were not the type of best friends who “oh my god, finish each other’s sentences all the time! (insert ditzy giggle),� we were the kind of best friends who, “interrupt each other all the time, you little wench� to quote Bianca’s sentiments on the subject.

“I’m home!� I yelled as Bianca and I entered the house my lovely family occupied. It was Friday, which meant my mother was in the kitchen baking and cleaning, preparing for the Sabbath which would start at sundown. Normally she was the only one home at this time of day - Bianca and I got out of class at 1:30 on Fridays, one of the benefits of being seniors - but on this particular Friday we walked in to see my older brother, Abraham (and yes I did call him Abe) sitting on the couch with his elusive best friend from the 7th grade who, as it happened, I hadn’t seen in years. If it weren’t for the fact that said best friend’s faced graced every teenybopper magazine I saw in the cashier line at Wal-Mart, I probably wouldn’t have recognized him.

“Whoa, you,� I greeted him suavely. Yep. I am all about being suave. If my middle name weren’t Miriam, at my mother’s insistence, I bet it would be Suave. Like the shampoo. He laughed and flashed his famously charming smile. You know, the one from all the teenybopper magazines. I added a quick, “Hey, Abe,� so as not to completely ignore my brother in my shock.

"Yo," Abe replied.

“Hey, Taylor, how’s it going?� Justin (that was his name, to avoid any confusion) said.

“Well...I’m still alive and I haven’t developed any tumors or other horrible diseases recently, so I’d say pretty good."

"Good to hear." He laughed again and gave me this, "oh you, little sister figure, how funny you are" kind of punch in the arm. It hurt.

"Yeah. Well...nice to see you. Now if you’ll excuse us-“ I began walking towards the stairs, assuming Bianca would follow, but he cut me off. Everyone knew interrupting me was Bianca’s job and Bianca’s job alone. She was going to be pissed.

“No, wait,� he said. I looked at him expectantly as I waited for Bianca to call him a name and pull me upstairs with her, but it didn’t happen. “Who’s your friend?� he finally asked and my brow furrowed. It was a weird question, I thought. He knew Bianca. He’d been friends with my brother for a good seven years and Bianca and I had annoyed them numerous times. What sort of question was, “Who’s your friend?�

“It’s Bianca, you idiot,� my brother answered for me, chuckling slightly and I continued waiting for Bianca’s snarky response, but again it didn’t come. She just laughed as his jaw dropped in shock.

“Whoa, you’re little Bianca?� he asked in disbelief. The snarky response was coming, I was sure of it.

“Yeah,� Bianca replied with a smile. A smile! And not the usual, “You’re an idiot, I’m going to go up to Taylor’s room and do something cooler than talking to you because no one else is worthy of my company� smile. A real smile! I was shocked. Beyond shocked even.

“Wow! You look...really different,� he commented slowly and disbelievingly. And now Bianca giggled. Bianca never giggled.

“Yeah, it’s the nose ring,� she commented, to which he responded by telling her how hot it was and then they somehow got into a conversation about piercings, which led to tattoos, which led to them comparing tattoos, which led to Bianca sitting down on the couch with him and Abe and having a full out chit chat session in which they all seemed to forget I even existed.

It was at this point that I became I was convinced I’d stepped into some sort of alternate dimension where Bianca was me with more piercings and I didn’t even exist. I could definitely see myself do what she was doing. I’d always been the type of person who wanted to get in with the cool types and Justin was definitely the “cool type,� as is generally the case of world famous pop stars, but Bianca had never cared. She was a loner. She didn’t hang out with cool people, she was cool by lack of association. And yet there she was sitting around making small talk with someone other than me as if that mattered to her. I couldn’t figure it out. It made no sense. At first I thought that maybe she had a thing for him or something, but Bianca always went for the punk guys, Justin was definitely not her type.

And so I decided it was the fluke of a full moon and went to help my mother bake. She didn’t even notice me leave. I was a little hurt, but mostly just confused. I shouldn't have been. After all, Bianca was a weirdo

Part Two — How to Overreact

My father always used to tell me that best friends are forever, and then he’d pat me on the back and look at me sagely for a few minutes before walking away with the air of someone who had just dispensed a great amount of wisdom. I could never really figure out why he felt the need to tell me that, because I had never expressed any belief to the contrary. And that was because I had no belief to the contrary. I knew best friends were forever because I had Bianca, and there was no doubt in my mind that we would be friends for the rest of our lives.

That is, there was no doubt in my mind until our senior year of high school. The first doubt entered my mind that Friday in March to be exact, but I soon dismissed it. Bianca wasn’t interested in ditching me because that would mean she’d have to start talking to other people, which I knew full well Bianca was not planning to do. But just to be sure, I decided to give in and postpone my new, utterly fabulous recipe to hang out with her on Sunday.

I rang the doorbell I had rung a million times in my 17 years and began twisting my hair around my finger while waiting for a response. Bianca’s family, the Hamptons, were generally very quick about answering their door. It wasn’t polite to keep people waiting, and the Hamptons were all about being polite. It always sort of freaked me out because they were these really rigid Methodist types who would greet me with a smile and a shake of the hand, and politely step aside to let me in. It was a stark contrast to my house, which, except on Fridays when my mother was busy and the only one home, was difficult to enter without being attacked by someone wanting to hug you or give you a hearty pat on the back. “Hearty� of course meaning “deathly.� I always felt as though I was walking on pins and needles in Bianca’s house, which is why we generally spent our time at mine.

I rang the doorbell again, my brow furrowing at this lack of a prompt response. Finally the door opened and Mrs. Hampton’s smiling face greeted me.

“Hello, dear,� she said sweetly, folding her hands together. I twitched slightly at the lack of physical contact as I always did when I was greeted in this manner. I was convinced for a long time that the Hamptons hated me, but when I finally brought it up to Abe when I was around 10, he responded with, “Nah, they don’t hate you, they’re just Methodists.� Somehow I’ve never really felt satisfied with that explanation.

“Um, hi,� I responded awkwardly. “Is Bianca here?�

“No, I’m sorry, she’s not,� was the unexpected response.

“She’s not?� I asked, wondering where my best friend had gone without me on a Sunday. Normally should would at least ask me if I wanted to come along to wherever it was, even if she knew I would probably say “no.�

“No, sorry, dear. She went out with a boy. Someone named Justin, I believe?� My jaw dropped in disbelief. I had been in complete shock when Bianca had chatted Justin up the way she had the previous Friday, but I’d assumed it was just a fluke thing that would never happen again. It had never even occurred to me for a second that she would actually...go places with him. It was beyond weird.

“Oh,� I finally managed to say once I’d recovered from my shock. “Okay. Thanks.� And I wandered back to my own house in a daze, not even remembering to say goodbye to Mrs. Hampton. I’m sure she thought that was very rude of me, but I was so incredibly stupefied by the revelation that Bianca was out somewhere without me - and with a boy, no less - that being polite was the last thing on my mind.

Once the shock began to subside, I suddenly felt very angry. Angry at whom and about what, I wasn’t sure, but I was angry about something, so I stormed into my house and yelled at the first person I saw. “What the hell, Abraham?�

“Taylor Miriam Levitt! Watch your language!� my mother’s scolding voice came from the next room and I lowered my voice before repeating myself.

“What the hell, Abraham?�

“You’re gonna have to give me something more to go on here, Taylor, because I have no idea why I’m getting the glare of doom,� my brother responded, clearly dumbfounded by my behavior.

“Your delinquent best friend is trying to steal my best friend,� I huffed, plopping down on the couch next to him. A look of understanding passed over his face and he nodded.

“Oh. You’re pissed because Bianca’s hanging out with someone other than you.�

“No I’m not!� I protested, despite the fact that he had hit the nail on the nose and I knew it. It seemed perfectly legitimate until he said it, then I realized how lame it sounded. I was pissed at my best friend for hanging out with someone else. Abe laughed.

“Yeah you are. What’s your problem? You always liked Justin.�

“That isn’t the point.� I folded my arms as my lips formed a typical teenager pout and my brother rolled his eyes at me.

“You have issues,� he stated, standing up and walking away. My brother really annoyed me sometimes, but I have to admit that at that point he was right. I did have issues.

Fortunately, by the time I saw Bianca again, I was over being angry over whatever it was I was angry about in the first place. I asked her about where she’d gone with Justin, and she told me all about how they went to the beach and had a great time swimming and talking about music and friendships and life. That was all fine and dandy until she told me that at first she just wanted to be friends, but she really thought she liked him, if I knew what she meant. I just smiled and nodded, listening to everything she told me and swallowing the lump in my throat as I told myself this wasn’t the big deal I would undoubtedly want to make it out to be.

It wasn’t that I begrudged Bianca other friends, or even a boyfriend if that was what Justin was going to turn out to be, but I had this deep seated fear that if she spent more time with him, I would slowly begin to fade into the background and I would be alone. I had no one else, aside from my family, because Bianca was the only one who’d ever put any effort into spending time with me. Being alone scared the shit out of me.

Luckily for me, Justin had to leave again a few days later and it was just me and Bianca again. I knew she talked to him on the phone every now and then, but that wasn’t nearly as dangerous as him being around and trying to take up all of my best friend’s time. Phone calls didn’t get in the way of hanging out after school and Bianca’s endless attempts to get me to go out with her on Friday nights when she knew full well I wouldn’t.

***

I sat quietly, staring at my hands and twisting them together as my mother lit the Shabbat candles and began to recite the blessing, her own hands covering her eyes in the customary fashion.

“Barukh atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melekh ha-olam...“

The room was filled with a sense of calm, and I sighed slowly, closing my eyes and letting all the worries of my day, such as how I was going to go about getting my history notes back from Jason Wiles who seemed to think it was okay to keep them for weeks on end, fade away.

“Asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav, v’tzivanu-“

The kitchen door swung open suddenly and my head shot up in unison with those of the other members of my family.

“Taylor!� Bianca exclaimed and I stared at her in disbelief as she looked around the room and realized what she’d interrupted. “Shit.� With that, she bolted back out the door, slamming it behind her and I burst into a fit of giggles as I heard my mother’s disdainful, “Vilde chayea...� And father’s tired muttering of, “Oy.�

I spent the rest of dinner trying my best to stifle my giggles until my parents and brother all joined me and we had a good laugh over it. It was moments like this that restored my certainty in my friendship with Bianca. If she picking inopportune moments to burst through my family’s kitchen door and interrupt Sabbath prayers, things were as normal as they ever were.

That night when I awoke to pebbles striking my windowpane, I knew it had to be Bianca come to tell me whatever it was she’d been intending on telling me when she’d come bounding into the Levitt kitchen in the middle of my mother’s prayer. Yawning, I literally rolled out of bed, falling to the floor with a thud. I quickly recovered and hurried to the window, grabbing my robe and wrapping it around my body as I did so.

“What?� I hissed once the window had been opened and I was faced with my best friend, her hair whipping around her face in the wind.

“I need to talk to you,� she responded in a yelled whisper.

“There’s a shocker.� She stuck her tongue out at me and I narrowed my eyes back before adding, “I’ll be down in a second.� I slid my feet into my slippers and tiptoed past my parents’ bedroom, anxious to avoid waking them up, as they would certainly not appreciate that. I slowly opened the front door and jumped as I saw Bianca standing right in front of me. “Dear God...� I muttered. “Don’t do that!�

“What? You knew I was gonna be-“

“I didn’t know you’d be in the middle of my personal bubble when I walked out the door,� I interrupted, giving her a playful shove and walking over to the swing that hung on the left side of the porch. Bianca followed and we settled into a steady, slow swinging motion before I spoke. “So what’s so important that you had to interrupt the Sabbath prayers and wake me up in the middle of the night?�

“I talked to Justin today,� she informed me as though this alone were enough for me to understand her actions. It was the beginning of May and they’d been talking on the phone at least every other day since March. I saw nothing significant in this statement.

“And...?� I prompted.

“He’s coming to the prom with me,� she squealed. Squealed! Bianca never, ever squealed. It was almost as though I was talking to some cheerleader who had decided to possess the body of my best friend. This was all Justin’s fault, that was for sure. Ever since he’d shown up that day, she’d been different.

“Since when do we go to the prom?� I responded harshly and Bianca’s smile faded. Before she could reply, I added, “And do you have any idea how much attention that’ll bring you? Showing up to the prom with a fucking popstar?�

“Well, I just thought,� she began.

“You thought what?� I interrupted, my voice getting louder as the full implications of this settled in. I couldn’t believe she was actually going to the prom with Justin fucking Timberlake. It was horrible. Going to prom was against everything we stood for. And going to prom with someone cool was against the very essence of what Bianca and Taylor were supposed to be about. “That it would be a good way to become the center of the entire school, spend more time with Justin and completely leave me behind? It’s like I don’t even matter anymore.� She was staring at me in shock as I stood up from the swing and folded my arms across my chest.

“What are you even talking about, Tay?� I hated it when she called me Tay. “I just thought it would be fun. I like him a lot and-“

“Yeah, more than you like me apparently.�

“Stop interrupting me, goddammit!� Now she was standing and glaring at me as I glared back, my eyes flashing. “What the hell is your problem?�

“He is my problem!�

“I thought you liked Justin! He’s your brother’s best friend!�

“Oh, Joseph, Jesus and Mary!� I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in frustration.

“It’s Jesus, Mary and Joseph,� Bianca snapped at me.

“Well, I don’t know, I’m Jewish!� I screamed back, then stomped into my house and slammed the door behind me.

***

“Remind me again why we’re here?� I requested of my best friend as we stepped into our school’s gymnasium, which was fully decked out for our senior prom. Somehow between the beginning of May and the end of May, we had managed to make up and I had allowed her to convince me to come to the prom with her and Justin. She had even gone out of her way to find me a “nice Jewish boy� as a date.

“Because it’s fun, Taylor. Trust me,� Bianca responded with a nod. I blinked at her.

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?�I asked skeptically. The Bianca I knew would never have tried to convince me that school functions were fun. I was very confused.

“Oh, Taylor,� she huffed and wandered ahead. I sighed and jumped slightly as I felt hot breath on my ear.

“Don’t worry, I’m not a big fan of these things either,� Justin whispered. “We’ll make it fun.� And he winked and walked away to join his date. I turned to my “nice Jewish boy,� who’s name was Daniel.

“So...� I began awkwardly.

“So.� He was clearly uncomfortable as he forced a smile and stared at me for an abnormally long period of time without blinking.

“Wanna dance?� I asked, not thinking about the fact that I possessed about as much coordination as a blind squirrel. Which I’m going to take a guess and say is not a whole lot.

“Sure,� he agreed. We wandered out to the floor and started bobbing to music in an entirely hideous manner that could only be accomplished by me and someone who was the product of Bianca’s horrible matchmaking skills.

To make a long story short, prom sucked the big one. I danced with Daniel once and then we just sat in a corner staring at other people and sipping punch. Every now and then he’d tell me stories about his cousin who was a Rabbi, which were lacking a little bit in the excitement department. I hardly saw Bianca the entire night and I was becoming incredibly pissed at her and Justin again. Stupid Justin. He was just trying to steal my best friend and ruin my life. I was sure of it.

Finally I wandered into the hall by myself, taking off my painful shoes and sliding to the ground next to my locker. I would have gone home, but Bianca was my ride so I was stuck until she decided to leave.

“Hey.� I jumped as a male voice startled me out of my self pity and I looked up to see Justin sitting down next to me.

“I really wish you people would stop doing things like that,� I grumbled, directing my gaze towards the floor.

“Sorry,� he replied with a laugh. “What are you doing out here?�

“Hating my life and wishing you hadn’t killed my best friend and replaced her with some weirdo who actually likes things like prom,� I responded sullenly. He laughed again. I saw nothing funny about this situation.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I needed her for my legion of the undead.�

“I figured,� I responded unaffectedly. There was a long pause before it occurred to me that Bianca was not with him. “Where is she?�

“Oh, in the bathroom. We’re gonna leave in a minute, this thing is kinda blah.�

“Good. I hope you know this has been the worst night of my life.�

“Duly noted.�

“I just don’t belong at these things, you know?� I lamented forlornly. He shook his head and locked his eyes onto mine.

“No, I don’t.� I moved my eyes back to the floor.

“Yeah, well...I don’t. I look like a freak, I feel like a freak and I dance like a freak.�

“You don’t look like a freak. You look great,� he stated sincerely. “You’re really growing up well, kid.� He punched my arm in that big brother way as he often did, and it hurt as it often did.

“Yeah, but I don’t look as great as Bianca, huh?� I responded, poking my tongue out at him. Justin laughed.

“You know, just because you’re different from Bianca doesn’t mean you’re less,� he informed me. I pondered this for a moment before speaking again.

“You know, you’re making it very difficult for me to hate you.�

“That’s my goal.�

Part Three - Third Wheel

“Taylor, I don’t understand any of this,� Bianca whined to me as we sat studying calculus together one blustery fall day during our freshman year of college.

“Join the club,� I muttered in response, narrowing my eyes at my calculus book as though that would force it to make more sense to me. Bianca rested her forehead on the table and articulated what I was thinking.

“Whatever possessed us to take Calc 3?�

“I don’t know,� I replied mournfully. “I think we’re just stupid.�

“Horribly, horribly stupid.� As Bianca’s muffled lament came from the other side of the table, I sighed and glanced at my watch. We had been in the library going over Calculus for nearly two hours and it wasn’t getting any easier.

“Okay, enough of this,� I declared, slamming my book shut and shoving it into my backpack. “Back to the dorm for us.� I stood up and tugged at Bianca’s arm as she looked at me lazily. “Come on.�

“Okay,� she finally agreed, hopping up and hastily shoving her own books into her backpack. “Calculus can die for today.�

“Just for today?� I questioned as we left the library and walked into the crisp New York air. I shivered and pulled my coat closer around my body, still not used to how different the climate was from Orlando. I really liked it, though. Oddly enough, one of my favorite things about NYU was the way autumn was actually cold. The novelty of this was not lost on a little Orlando girl such as myself.

“No, good point, it can die forever. Resurrection would suck.� She tucked a piece of faded blue hair behind her ear and we both paused to drop some change into the guitar case of a 20-something man playing next to a nearby tree.

“So what are your plans for tonight?� I inquired as we strolled through the rows of red and golden-leaved trees lining the walkway.

“Justin’s in town and has the night off, so we’re going out to dinner,� she responded, beaming and I realized she’d told me that earlier, and I had no idea how I’d managed to forget. Over the summer, Justin and Bianca had spent more and more time together until they’d finally become an official couple. The press knew very little about her, mostly because she refused to go to any public functions with him, but there had been a few pictures of her circulating the Internet and I was sure it was only a matter of time before everyone and their mother knew who she was. If I had been her, it would have been enough to keep me out of a relationship with the man, but she really seemed to care for him, so who was I to question it?

Despite my initial disapproval of their relationship, I was dealing with it quite well by this point. If you really think about it, a pop star boyfriend who was rarely around was really the best kind of boyfriend for Bianca to have from the point of view of someone in my position. He didn’t take her away from me too often, and I knew him, so at least I didn’t have to try and get used to a new person in our presence when he was around.

“Ah, the Justin,� I acknowledged with a nod. “That sounds exciting.�

“Your sarcasm is not lost on me, Miss Levitt. I see right through your innocent exterior.�

“Blast. Foiled again,� I bemoaned dryly.

“Damn straight.�

I chuckled and Bianca and I walked the rest of the way back to our room discussing our plans for Halloween - which consisted almost entirely of us carving pumpkins and singing Christmas carols as per usual - and whether or not we should wear costumes. Bianca’s parents had never allowed her to go trick or treating, but she’d always liked dressing up anyway.

“I definitely think you should dress up, Tay,� Bianca informed me. I pulled a face. Prancing around wearing silly costumes was not my things. I think this all comes back to my being strange, but not as strange as Bianca. I was strange enough to sing Christmas carols on Halloween, but not strange enough to dress up as a lemur while doing it.

“No, I think not.�

“Taylor, sometimes you are very little fun, you know that?�

“Sorry. Sometimes you’re too much fun and I worry about pulling a muscle. I don’t know how Justin has avoided injury thus far.�

“Speak of the devil.� A grin spread across my friend’s face as we approached our residence hall and spotted her boyfriend skulking in the shadows with a baseball cap pulled down over his face and accompanied by a man the size of a large refrigerator. She greeted him, but they didn’t hug or kiss each other in greeting, as they never did while in public. “Hey baby.�

“Hey yourself,� he responded with a grin, grabbing her hand and giving it a quick inconspicuous squeeze. “Hey, Taylor.�

“‘Lo,� I greeted him with a yawn of indifference, folding my arms across my chest.

“You ready to go?� Justin questioned Bianca. She shook her head. Silly question. Bianca was never ready to go until about an hour after you’d forgotten you wanted to go anywhere in the first place.

“I need to change real quick. Come on up to the room and chat with Taylor while I get ready.�

“Okay.�

The two lovebirds (it’s a disgusting word, but they really were lovebirds) strode towards the door, not even casting a second glance my way.

“What if I don’t want to be chatted with?� I grumbled as I followed. The only response I got was a chuckle from the bodyguard, whose name I am ashamed to admit I didn’t know.

Bianca and I lived on the third floor of an all-girls’ residence hall at New York University. Justin had only been there once since we’d arrived, but quite frankly, I was surprised the entire hall didn’t know about him already. Girls talk a lot, but somehow Bianca was able to keep her relationship a secret from all of them. To this day, I have no clue how she did it. The girl amazes me.

We arrived at our room and Justin plopped down on Bianca’s bed while the bodyguard hovered outside the doorway and Bianca ran to the bathroom to change her clothes and touch up her make up.

The room was dead silent as I hung back by the door, feeling strangely uncomfortable in my own room. The last time Justin had been there, Bianca was there the whole time and at home he was never in my room. It felt odd having him in the place where I slept without someone else there with me. I know that sounds odd and senseless, but it probably was.

“So, Taylor,� he finally broke the silence with a small smile.

“So, Justin,� I replied with another yawn.

“You know, you need to stop yawning when you talk to me. I’m starting to think you find me painfully boring.�

“Who says I don’t?� I shrugged and gave him a small smile as I decided to go ahead and settle myself on my own bed. Unfortunately the room had no room for a couch, so beds and desk chairs were really the only options when it came to sitting. Justin chuckled.

“I don’t remember you being this sarcastic back when I first became friends with your brother,� he observed.

“I was ten. I had yet to fully develop my acidic personality,� I informed him matter-of-factly. To my surprise and mild bewilderment, this statement elicited a hearty guffaw from Mr. Timberlake. I frowned. “Why is that funny?�

“Acidic personality?� Justin repeated with a grin. “Hardly. You just put up walls.� I raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, really? I didn’t realize you were an expert on the inner workings of my mind.� My arms folded across my chest again, an unconscious reaction to what had just been said to me. He shrugged.

“I’m not. That one’s just pretty obvious.�

The door swung open in unison with my jaw and Bianca came striding back into the room and settled herself on Justin’s lap. She looked back and forth between us. “What did I miss?�

“I don’t have an acidic personality, I just put up walls,� I recapped shortly. She blinked at me.

“Says who?�

“Your boyfriend the psychologist.�

“It was just an observation!� Justin protested. “Didn’t mean to offend.�

“I’m not offended.� I was mildly offended, but not enough to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t put up walls, though. I was sure of that. Mostly I was just sort of baffled that Justin had paid enough attention to me to form such an opinion.

“No, she’s not offended,� Bianca backed me up. “If she were offended she’d either be screaming about you or ignoring you. Hope you never offend her.� She accentuated this with a quick peck on the lips and I involuntarily shuddered. Something about Bianca expressing affection to her boyfriend in front of me always made me feel awkward and uncomfortable, even when it was just a peck.

“Oh, I do,� Justin stated with mock solemnity. I stuck my tongue out at him. I always considered the tongue as a great response to anything you don’t have a real response to.

“Anyway, we should be off.� She hopped up off Justin’s lap and pulled him off the bed. “What are you going to do tonight, my dear Taylor?�

“Oh, I don’t know.� I shrugged. “Probably just sit around and stare at the ceiling trying to psych myself up to write that essay I have due in Shakespeare on Friday.�

“That’s so depressing,� Bianca pouted. “Can’t you find yourself something more exciting to do so I don’t feel guilty for leaving you here all alone?�

“No,� I replied succinctly.

“Hey, why don’t you come with us?� Justin suggested completely out of the blue. My jaw very nearly dropped for the second time in five minutes, but I settled for a mere grunt of surprise.

“No, I wouldn’t want to im-“

“Yeah, Taylor, come!� Bianca interrupted me.

“But you guys are having your time together and I don’t want to-“

“Come!� Bianca insist. “Please, Tay? Please!�

***

I don’t know why, but somehow I always managed to get sucked into whatever Bianca wanted me to do. I believe I’ve mentioned this previously, but that night when I actually accompanied her and Justin to some little café only to sit there and watch them make googly eyes at each other all night and fight the desire to vomit was a perfect reminder of my inability to say no to Bianca’s most torturous requests.

Eventually, I ended up alone at the table while Bianca talked to some guy from her anthro class she’d spotted alone in the corner and Justin sat with her, holding her hand and showing her other small signs of affection as if to say to the guy, “She’s mine, so watch yourself.� Bianca had been come increasingly more friendly to other people once we’d gotten to college, so this sort of behavior was not unusual on her part.

So I sat there and felt sorry for myself as I often did at that point in my life and watched them act all enamored with one another. Part of me was happy for them and part of me wished that Justin would die a horrible, bloody death so I wouldn’t have to feel bad about myself. Why Bianca and Justin made me feel bad about myself was beyond me, but it did and I was bitter.

“Try not to look so enthused.�

I dropped the straw I’d been twirling in my drink and looked up at the lank figure sitting down next to me. Somehow in the midst of my thoughts of painful death I had failed to notice that the subject of these thoughts had left his girlfriend’s side.

“What are you doing?� I asked plainly. He frowned.

“What do you mean?�

“I mean, why aren’t you still over there with Bianca?�

“Oh.� He shrugged. “You looked bored, so I told her I was going to come keep you company.�

“Ah.� I nodded my understanding and returned to twirling my straw around in my drink.

“So how are you Taylor? You never just talk about you, you always talk about you in relation to Bianca.�

“I’m fine.� I shrugged. There he went again with the psychoanalyzing. I didn’t understand why he cared. Where is there a rule that says you have to take a deep seated interest in your brother’s little sister/girlfriend’s best friend?

“Yeah?�

“Yeah. Fine.�

“Good. How’s school going for you?�

“Fine.�

“Good.�

Silence.

“So what are you and Bianca doing for Halloween?� he questioned and I shrugged again.

“The usual, carve pumpkins and sing Christmas carols. It’s a tradition. She wants me to wear a costume too, but we’ll see if that actually happens.�

“You don’t want to?� he asked with a chuckle and I shook my head.

“Not really. What am I gonna be? A porcupine?�

“You could be a sullen teenager. I bet you could pull that off really well.�

“Oh, you’re hilarious.�

“I know.�

At this point, Bianca returned from her venture into the world of socializing and saved me from the prying questions of her annoyingly interested boyfriend. “Justin, don’t you think Taylor would look dead sexy with dark red highlights in her hair?� Leave it to Bianca to ask random questions and make me feel even more awkward than I thought possible.

“Uh...� Justin was obviously as confused by this opening line as I was.

“We were talking about it the other day,� Bianca explained. “I think she should put red highlights in her hair-“

“She thinks I should forever damage my hair by dying it,� I interrupted.

“Shut your trap, it would look hot. Don’t you agree?� She looked to Justin for approval and he just sort of stammered in response.

“Um...I...well...I don’t know. Taylor, do you want to put red highlights in your hair?�

“No.� I glared at Bianca, who returned the favor.

“Then I don’t think she should do it,� he reasoned in lieu of any real response to Bianca’s question. She sighed and shook her head.

“You people are so boring.� She stood and headed towards the door, and Justin and I followed.

Part Four - Taylor Was a Good Girl

When I was young (you know, as opposed to the old crotchety 20-something I am now) I used to like to think of my life as being a reflection of the four seasons. It was really an odd parallel for me to draw, seeing as I grew up in Orlando where the seasons consisted of hot, kind of hot, really hot, and rainy. But somehow, it still occurred to me that whenever a season changed, something in my life changed drastically. A pet would die, a cousin would move away, and so on and so forth.

The year that Bianca and Justin first got together was no different. In the spring they began to go out, summer they became an official couple, in the fall Bianca and I went away to college, and in the winter...well, let’s just say it all started one particularly cold afternoon in the middle of February.

It was a Tuesday and Bianca had just found out that Justin was going to be in the City recording for the next few weeks. She was ecstatic and bouncing off the walls all day in anticipation. She hadn’t seen him since New Year’s and, since I clearly wasn’t good enough to spend all her time with, she was chomping at the bit to see him again. He finally showed up that evening and whisked her off to some restaurant where they could just sit together and bask in one another’s awesomeness. At least that’s what I always assumed they did together. I didn’t want to picture the other stuff they were probably doing, so I stuck with the awesomeness basking. Self preservation thing, I think.

After they were gone, I just sat in our room and did homework. For some reason, despite the fact that Bianca had become a lot more social since we’d been in New York, I really hadn’t. I knew the girls our floor, of course, but Bianca was still the only one I hung out with. For all the times in high school when I’d wished to be in the popular crowd, other people didn’t matter to me so much anymore. I liked being alone.

Someone knocked on the door and my head shot up in surprise. The first thought that came into my mind was that Bianca had locked herself out again, but I quickly realized it was way too soon for her to be back. Sighing and realizing it was probably someone for her, I contemplating pretending I wasn’t there, but quickly decided that no one would believe I was out having fun on a Tuesday night.

“Hi, Taylor, how are you?� Anna greeted me brightly. Anna was that girl on our floor who was always happy, always friendly, always perfect. You know the type. She and Bianca had never gotten along too well, but for some reason I immediately assumed that was who she was looking for.

“Bianca’s not here,� I stated plainly, absentmindedly forgoing the formality of returning her greeting. Anna giggled.

“Oh, I’m not looking for Bianca, silly. I’m looking for you,� she informed me, chipper as ever. I blinked at her in mild confusion.

“Why?� I finally asked. She giggled again and I shuddered involuntarily. Anna’s giggling was almost as bad as Bianca’s, albeit not nearly as out of character.

“Because! There’s a party over at the Sigma Pi house,� she explained, referring to the frat house two blocks away. “A bunch of the guys over there are throwing it, and some of us are going, so I wondered if maybe you’d like to go along.�

“It’s Tuesday,� I responded with the first thing that came into my mind. After all, who has parties on Tuesday? This time Anna spared me the giggle and laughed.

“I know it’s Tuesday! But this is college, right? We’re allowed to go out and have fun on school nights.� She winked at me and I sighed, sure I was going to regret what I was about to do.

“Okay, just let me grab my jacket.�

***

In high school, Bianca and I never really went to parties. We never really threw parties either, so I guess you could say that we more or less lived a party-less existence. College up to this point had been more of the same. Bianca was more social, but the party scene still wasn’t really her thing and consequently it wasn’t really my thing either. That night at the Sigma Pi party I soon realized why. Or at least I realized why frat parties were not our thing. I had beer sloshed on me, bodies slammed into mine, and my butt was grabbed by numerous perpetrators, all of which somehow managed to get away before I could see who they were. It wasn’t much fun.

To top it all off, Anna and the girls from my hall were not the sweet little angels they appeared to be back at the dorm and were soon drunk off their asses and grinding with any number of frat boys. Definitely not my scene. So I, being the good little Jewish girl I was, ended up sitting in a corner by myself sipping water and contemplating walking back to the dorm by myself. I was just about to do so when a very tall, very handsome dark-haired guy, a sophomore or junior I guessed, sat down next to me.

“Hi,� he greeted me, flashing me a wide smile that revealed a set of perfectly straight teeth. I immediately did what any sensible girl in my situation would do and turned to look behind me and see who he was talking to. He laughed the most melodious laugh I’d ever heard in my life. “I’m talking to you.�

“Oh,� I squeaked in disbelief. Needless to say, it wasn’t often any remotely good-looking guy even looked twice at me, let alone actually sat down next to me and attempted to strike up a conversation. In fact the only time it had happened was when the football players in high school would hunt me down in the library and try to get me to tell them how they could win Bianca’s heart. Feel free to gag at that thought. I do.

“So, my name’s Jake,� the insanely hot boy sitting next to me said. “What’s yours?�

“Um...uh, it’s, uh...� I temporarily forgot my name and was considering making one up when it came to me. “Taylor. My name’s Taylor.� He laughed again and I forced myself to look at him instead of my feet. He had a friendly sort of gleam in his eyes and he seemed very familiar. Almost as though I’d met him before, though I was sure I hadn’t. I figured maybe I’d seen him on campus before and quickly forgot about it.

“Nice to meet you, Taylor,� he stated sincerely. “You don’t look like you’re having a very good time.�

“Oh, no, it’s...fine,� I replied, shrugging. “I’m having an okay time. It’s just that parties aren’t usually my thing.�

“Mine either,� Jake confided with a smile. “I got dragged here by some friends, all of whom promptly got wasted and left me to fend for myself.�

“Sounds familiar.� I began feeling a little more comfortable as I realized Jake wasn’t the typical frat boy I was expecting.

“Yeah, I was about to leave, then I saw this beautiful girl sitting over here and realized that I couldn’t leave without at least getting her name.�

“Ah, well if I see her, I’ll let you know,� I told him with a small smile, only half joking. Part of me was still completely unable to believe that someone as attractive as him would even want to talk to me. And I was not beautiful. Far from it. Big nose, frizzy hair, you know the drill. Jake chuckled, attempting to make eye contact, but the attempt just prompted me to direct my gaze back to my feet.

“Gorgeous and self-deprecating. Nice combination. And if I’m bothering you, I can leave,� he added as my face flushed a particularly unattractive shade of fuschia.

“Oh, no, you’re not bothering me,� I insisted, shaking my head vehemently and looking back at his gorgeous brown eyes. “It’s just...I don’t get approached by guys very often and I’m kind of socially retarded, so...sorry.� He gave me an understanding smile and nodded.

“No worries. I don’t usually approach girls, and I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully made an idiot out of myself here, so...� His voice trailed off and he chuckled nervously as I sat there feeling horrible for making him feel like an idiot. There was an awkward silence before he spoke again. “Listen, is there somewhere I can walk you? You look like you probably want to get out of here.�

“Yeah,� I agreed, standing up and nodding. “I’d like that.� His face lit up and as he hopped off the couch.

“Cool. Where do you live?�

“Aden. On campus.�

“Really? I live in Smith!� Jake exclaimed, referring to the residence hall adjacent to mine as we pushed through the crowds of people and towards the front door. “I’m surprised I haven’t seen you before. I’m over at Aden all the time.�

“Visiting your girlfriend?� I inquired nonchalantly, prompting a laugh from my companion as we stepped into the crisp February air.

“No, as a matter of fact, I am single and looking.� He winked at me, heading towards the corner to cross the street instead of going straight as I had planned to.

“Isn’t it faster to go that way?� I asked, nodding my head towards the other side of the street, and unsure of how to respond to his last comment. Jake shook his head.

“Nah, this is a short cut,� he assured me as I hurried to catch up with him. My brow furrowed.

“Are you sure?�

“Yes. Trust me.�

“Trust you? I hardly know you. You could be a serial rapist for all I know.� I shuddered involuntarily as the veracity of my words struck me. He really could be a rapist for all I knew. I suddenly felt very stupid for allowing him to walk me home. Jake laughed.

“Well, I promise not to rape you.�

“I promise not to rape you too.�

“Oh, good. I was worried.� He laughed and winked at me again and I found myself smiling involuntarily. He certainly didn’t seem like a rapist and I allowed myself to let my guard down a bit. “So, how about you? Got a boyfriend?�

“No,� I responded simply.

“Good, I wouldn’t to suffer to consequences of your big, buff football player boyfriend’s wrath or anything,� he joked with a grin. I laughed.

“Yeah, well...you don’t have to worry. I’ve never even had a guy ask me out.�

“Are you serious?� Jake asked, sounding genuinely shocked. I merely nodded. “Where the hell are you from that guys are too stupid to ask out a beautiful girl such as yourself?�

“Orlando. And I’m not that beautiful.� In case you couldn’t tell, I was never very good at taking a compliment.“Where are you from that you actually think a girl like me is beautiful?�

“Toronto.�

“Ohhh, a Canadian.� I nodded and grinned, preparing to give my wittiest response to avoid anything he might be planning to say to refute my claims that I was not beautiful. “That explains a lot.�

“Ah, yes, we’re freaks. What’s all this aboot, eh?� He laughed, shrugging his shoulders as I thought about what a nice laugh he had. “Or at least I hear that’s how we’re supposed to talk. Apparently someone forgot to give me the great Canadian memo when I learned how to speak.�

“Too bad.� I smiled.

“Yeah. So, what’s your major?�

“I’m undeclared. You?�

“Same. I’m a sophomore and I feel like I should have decided sometime last year, but I’m too indecisive. What’s your favorite color?� I laughed and shook my head.

“What is this, an interrogation?� I inquired with a raise of my eyebrows and the sudden realization that all of my uneasiness had disappeared as we trudged down the cold snow lined streets. For a short cut it seemed to be taking an awfully long time to get back to Aden.

“No, this is called getting to know one another,� Jake explained slowly, his eyes twinkling. “Perhaps you’ve heard of it.�

“Ah, yes, but I thought it only happened in fairy tales.�

“Alas, fair lady, it does not. Enough avoidance now. What’s your favorite color?�

“Oh, I don’t know,� I shrugged. “Brown?� Jake pulled a face immediately.

“Brown? That’s the best you can come up with? Brown? You could have gone with chartreuse or something.�

“I like brown. It’s plain.�

“And as such completely unbefitting someone as far from plain as yourself,� he stated with an air of sincerity I had not witnessed since he had sat down next to me on that couch. My face flushed crimson and I prayed he couldn’t tell in the dark. The smirk that spread over his face told me he could. “You’re blushing.�

“No, it’s the just the cold. It’s making my cheeks red.� I hurried ahead to escape the smirk that remained on this stranger’s lips as my dorm came into view.

“Okay,� he allowed as he caught up to me and I slid my key into the lock on the front of the building. “I guess I’ll just head over to Smith now.�

“You can walk up with me if you want.� I was so hocked to hear the words come out of my mouth that I didn’t even hear his answer as he followed me into the building and up the stairs to my floor. The entire experience was completely unreal and I didn’t know what to think of any of it. I was completely sure that this was all some elaborate joke in response to some bet his friends had made him.

“And by the way,� I added as we reached the third floor. “That was not faster.� I could almost feel Jake smiling as he gently grabbed my arm and turned me to face him as we stood in the hall. His deep brown eyes gazed into my own and I felt a multitude of butterflies rising in my stomach as he spoke.

“I know.�

Unsure of what to do or say, I just smiled weakly and turned away, continuing down the hall towards my room. As we approached, I heard yelling coming from inside. I couldn’t tell what was being said, but I could definitely recognize the voices: Bianca and Justin.

“Fine!� I finally made out Bianca’s scream.

“Fine!� Justin’s bellow responded.

“FINE! I don’t give a shit, okay? Just get out!�

Seconds later, the door flung open and slammed shut again as Justin came storming out of the room and knocked into me. I probably would have fallen to the floor if Jake hadn’t been standing behind me and stuck a hand out to steady me.

“Oh god, sorry, Taylor,� Justin apologized, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking at me with concern. “I didn’t hurt you did I?�

“No,� I shook my head, somewhat dazed. “What’s with the yelling?�

“Um...� He looked far more uneasy than I’d ever seen him as he paused to think. “You should probably let Bianca explain it to you. I’ve gotta go. See ya, Tay.� And with that he hurried off. I frowned and turned to Jake.

“Roommate’s boyfriend?� he questioned. I nodded in confirmation and let out a sigh.

“I better go talk to her and see what’s up. It was nice meeting you.� I flashed a polite smile and hurried into my room to confront my weeping best friend.

“Nice to meet you too!� I heard him call as I shut the door behind me.

“Why the hell are all guys such dicks, Taylor?� Bianca asked me as I shrugged my coat off my shoulders and sat down next to her on her bed.

“What happened?� I asked, sliding an arm across Bianca’s shoulders.

“Oh, we were fighting over...something stupid, I don’t know. Him talking to other girls, me being to friendly with other guys and then he goes and says he thinks we should take a break. A break! From what? We hardly ever see each other anyway, the last thing we need is a break!� She leaned her head against me and I nodded in understanding.

“Sorry, babe. You want some Chai?�

Bianca nodded, wiping a tear from her eye. “That would be great.�

Part Four - Taylor Was A Good Girl
Second half


“That was the worst ending in the history of 80's movies,� I stated matter-of-factly, folding my arms and leaning against the wall next to my bed. Jake gaped at me, looking almost personally insulted.

“How can you say that?� he asked as he pressed the rewind button on my remote. In the three weeks that we had known each other, we had become closer more quickly than I had with anyone ever, excluding Bianca. When we discovered the day after the party that we both had an affinity for 80's teen flicks, we quickly made it our “thing� to get together on Friday afternoons well before sundown and watch one or two together. On this particular day, the movie in question was Pretty in Pink, which to this day I still maintain has a horrible ending.

“It was horrible,� I reiterated, brushing my newly straightened hair out of my eyes and Jake continued to stare at me disbelievingly. There were times I seriously thought he was channeling some cheerleader from the 80's with the way he reacted to these movies. He mouthed soundlessly for a few minutes before finally finding the words to articulate what he wanted to say.

“How can you say that?� he asked again. “What was wrong with the ending?�

“Everything,� I stated succinctly. “I just can’t believe she went with that rich guy...what’s his name, Blane? Yeah, I can’t believe she ended up with him instead of Duckie. I mean, come on. Duckie has been her friend for 8 years, he clearly knows her well and loves her, plus he’s funny. And this Blane fellow just waltzes in and we’re supposed to think he’s a better match? I don’t think so. They barely know each other and he has no personality. All he can do is smile shyly and flare his nostrils.�

For a few minutes I thought Jake wasn’t going to respond as just stared at me from where he sat next to me on my bed. I shifted awkwardly waiting for him to say something.

“Why must you always bring these things up?� he finally said, referring to the way I almost always had some criticism to offer at the end of a movie. I shrugged.

“You know what they say. If you put two Jews in a room, you get three opinions,� I offered with a grin.

“Who says that?�

“The ominous ‘they.’ And my mother.�

“Ah. Well, as much as I hate admit it, you have a point. The ending does kind of suck if you look at it that way.�

“Of course I have a point. I always have a point and it is not on the top of my head, thank you.� Jake smirked as I intercepted the cheeky response I knew he would probably come up with. While he was often complimenting me, generally more than I would like, he also had a habit of throwing playful insults at me every now and then. I had quickly learned not to make it too easy for him to do so.

“Damn you,� he sighed. I chuckled in response as the door opened and Bianca sauntered into the room, immediately tossing her backpack onto the floor and falling backwards onto the bed.

“Hey, Bianca,� I greeted her and she grunted, pushing herself up to a sitting position. Bianca had not been in the best mood for the weeks following her argument with Justin. She spent most of her time moping about and feeling sorry for herself, but now she forced a smile onto her face.

“Hey. What are you crazy kids up to?�

“We just finished watching Pretty in Pink,� I told her. She nodded.

“Crappy ending.�

“I know!�

“It’s not that bad!� Jake protested indignantly and Bianca and I just looked at him sadly. “It’s not!�

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,� I conceded, patting his arm. Jake sighed and shook his head.

“As much as I’d love to stick around and have you make fun of me some more, I’ve gotta go to class.� He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before hopping off the bed and sliding his feet into his shoes. “May I admire you again today?�

“You know, quoting 80's movies seriously threatens your charm,� I lied, laughing and shaking my head. Jake grinned.

“I beg to differ. But seriously, do you want to hang out tomorrow?�

“Can’t. Sabbath,� I replied regretfully. He frowned and nodded.

“Yeah, sorry. I keep forgetting about that.�

“No worries. Bianca forgets too and she’s known me for 15 years.�

“I don’t forget!� Bianca protested. “I just like to harbor false hope that you will.�

“Sure, sure,� I replied with a disbelieving roll of my eyes.

“It’s true!�

“Well, I’ll see you ladies later. Have a good night!� Jake waved to Bianca and I as we both said goodbye and he headed out the door.

“So are you two together yet or what?� Bianca inquired the moment Jake was gone. I felt my turning red against my will as I shook my head quickly.

“No, we’re just friends,� I gave the answer I had given the five million other times she’d asked that question in the past three weeks. Bianca rolled her eyes.

“Not by his choice clearly,� she observed quietly.

I pretended I hadn’t heard her, although I knew she was right. Jake had been very much the gentleman and not once mentioned anything other than friendship since the night we’d met, but I was pretty sure that was only because he sensed that I might not be as receptive as he’d like. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him, but as I’ve already said, I wasn’t used to guys even talking to me and the idea of going out with Jake so soon after I’d met him still sort of freaked me out.

“Shouldn’t you be packing?� I asked in an entirely conspicuous attempt to change the subject. Bianca smirked, sliding off her bed to a standing position on the floor.

“Yeah, probably. You’re so just trying to change the subject.�

“Well, then do it,� I ordered.

“You know what, Taylor?�

“What?�

“You suck.�

“I try.�

Bianca was going home to visit her family for the weekend and I must admit I was looking forward to a very peaceful weekend with the room all to myself. But naturally my hopes were quickly dashed when the telephone woke me from a beautiful dream involving Jake and several different types of cookies early Saturday morning.

“Hello?� I groaned into the receiver after a good two minutes of feeling around on the dresser attempting to find the phone without having to actually open my eyes.

“Taylor?� An uncertain but familiar male voice replied.

“Yeah. Bianca’s not here.� My response was punctuated with a yawn as I realized it was Justin on the other end. He had been calling multiple times every day since he and Bianca had fought, but she had yet to speak with him. I had pretty much stopped answering the phone, but being that I was only half awake, the thought hadn’t occurred to me.

“I know, I...actually, I wanted to talk to you.� That got my attention and I opened my eyes, surprised by this response.

“Why?� I asked skeptically.

“Um...� he hesitated. “I just...I really need to talk to you. Can you meet me for coffee in like an hour?�

“Can’t. Sabbath,� I responded automatically. It was like going to the synagogue and refusing all invites to go out on Saturdays was programmed into me.

“Oh. Okay, that’s fine. I’m sorry for bothering you.� I sighed, throwing my covers off and feeling annoyed at him for sounding so sad and pathetic.

“Where do you want me to meet you?�

***

I pulled my coat close around my body as I hurried down the street towards the coffee shop Justin had asked me to meet him at. I’d had to take the subway and it had arrived late, so I was already ten minutes later than I said I’d be. I spent most of the ride over there wondering what it was he wanted to talk to me about. Justin and I had always been friendly enough with one another, but we’d never been “friends� per se. And this was the first time I could remember ever going anywhere alone with him.

Of course, “alone� with Justin usually meant alone with Justin and a bodyguard, as I was reminded when I approached the coffee shop and saw Justin hidden away in a corner with said bodyguard stationed a few feet away. Shaking the snow out of my hair, I stepped into the coffee shop and strode over to the corner. Justin jumped up and pulled my chair out as I approached. I sat down, thanking him and dismissing a thought about what a sweet gesture that was.

“Snow in March,� I commented gloomily, my Floridian upbringing coming out. “Who does that?� Justin grinned.

“Not used to New York winters yet huh?�

“No,� I confirmed succinctly, shaking my head.

“You’ll adjust,� he assured me with a wink. “So do you want some coffee or something? I’ll pay.�

“No, that’s okay.� There was something about sitting in a coffee shop with my best friend’s sort of boyfriend and having him offer to buy me coffee that felt distinctly odd if not wrong. Justin grimaced.

“Are you sure? I feel bad that I woke you up and took you away from...whatever it is you usually do on the Sabbath and I would really like to make up for it.�

I stared at him blankly. “Why are you like that?� I inquired, sounding more accusatory than I had intended.

“Like what?� he replied defensively.

“So...so eager and...sincere.� I shuddered involuntarily as I clarified.

“I’m sorry.� The defensive tone continued and he sounded anything but sorry. “I didn’t realize sincerity was a bad thing.�

“I’ll have a latte,� I grumbled, ignoring his comment and feeling slightly guilty for my bad mood. I had agreed to come, so I figured I should at least pretend to be nice. The problem was that was something I found incredibly difficult to do with someone who had been a complete ass to my best friend a few weeks earlier.

“Okay, good. John, would you mind?� he requested and the bodyguard went to go order my latte as I sat feeling guilty about him basically waiting on me. I had a tendency in those days to harbor guilt about pretty much anything and everything. It probably wasn’t very good for me, but that never stopped me from doing anything.

There was silence at the table as I sat eyeing the ceiling and twirling my hair around my finger absentmindedly. I was never one to play with my hair, since I hated it, but ever since I’d straightened it my hands seemed continuously drawn to it and I was forever petrified of becoming one of those annoying girls who was always playing with her hair. Which at that particular moment I realized I was and stopped the twirling immediately.

“You look different,� Justin commented finally as I began to wonder why he’d asked me there in the first place. So far he’d done nothing but make small talk.

“Do I?� I punctuated this with my usual indifferent yawn.

“Yeah. Did you change your hair or something?�

“I did.� I nodded slightly and thanked John as he returned with my latte sooner than I’d expected. “Bianca finally convinced me to straighten it.�

“Ah, yeah, that’s it. It looks really nice,� he complimented me with a smile. I took a sip of my latte and ignored the comment as I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

“Justin, are you going to tell me why you woke me up and made me come here, or am I just going to have to sit here and try to guess for the next ten hours?� I inquired testily. And of course I immediately felt guilty for the tone of my voice when he grimaced in response.

“Yeah, sorry. Um...well...it’s about Bianca,� he began slowly. No shocker there.

“What about her?� I asked, trying not to sound cold.

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of her for weeks and she won’t return any of my calls.�

“Yes, I know. I answer the phone most of the time, remember? What’s your point?�

“Yeah. I know. Sorry.� He grimaced again, once more inducing my guilt. Justin in particular seemed to have a talent for making me feel guilty. I didn’t like it. “It’s just... I know I was a real dick to her and I want her to know how sorry I am. So, you being her best friend and all, I was hoping...� His voice trailed off and I sighed as I set my latte down on the table and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

“You were hoping I’d help you win her back?� I finished for him.

“Kind of, yeah.� I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“Fine.�

***

“I can’t believe you’ve never been here,� Justin marveled, shelling out some cash to pay for the kosher hot dog I’d just received from a vendor in the middle of Central Park. I shrugged.

“I never really had a reason to come. I always wanted to though,� I confided before taking a bite of my hot dog and trying to match his long strides through the park.

We had spent most of the morning together in the coffee shop discussing different methods of getting Justin and Bianca back together, and when he had mentioned taking her to the Tavern on the Green, I had casually stated that I had never been to Central Park. Upon hearing this, he had immediately taken it upon himself to send John home, take me there and show me what I’d been missing out on as compensation for dragging me out of bed to assist in his love life dilemma. I attempted to protest at first, but then gave up, deciding it might actually be fun. Surprisingly, so far I appeared to be right.

“Mmm, instead of taking B to Tavern on the Green, you should definitely just buy her a hot dog from one of the vendors,� I commented as we strolled through the snow covered park. I was actually enjoying the snow at the moment - it made the place look beautiful. Justin chuckled.

“You think?�

“Definitely. She’d love it. Seriously, though, I think she’d like something like this. A walk in a park. It’s nice and romantic and she is surprisingly quite the sucker for that sort of thing.� It didn’t occur to me when I said this that I had basically just said what we were doing was “nice and romantic,� but I think Justin realized it as he abruptly changed the subject.

“Tell you what,� he began. “You’ve given me a lot of great ideas today, so why don’t we give the Bianca talk a rest and just hang out?�

“Okay,� I agreed slowly. I personally would have felt much more comfortable talking about Bianca than “just hanging out� with Justin. In many ways he was like a brother, but at the same time I wasn’t nearly as comfortable with him as I was with many of my brother’s other friends. Maybe because it had been a while since he’d been around consistently and I didn’t know him as well.

“So how’s life?� he asked and I groaned immediately.

“Don’t start that again,� I grumbled, shaking my head.

“Start what?� he asked, bewildered.

“Trying to find about the inner workings of my mind or whatever.� I rolled my eyes and took a last bite of my hot dog as we continued on our way through the park.

“I’m not!� Justin protested. “I just want to know how you are. Am I not allowed to care about you, Taylor?�

I stopped in my tracks, partly because of what he’d just said and partly because of the beautiful stone archway we’d just approached. “What is this place?� I asked, beginning to walk again and passing under the entrance.

“The Rambles,� he replied as he followed me.

“It’s lovely,� I commented in awe, shivering and suddenly realizing how cold I was.

“You should see it in fall,� Justin told me. “It’s gorgeous with the leaves everywhere. I used to bring my old girlfriend here a couple of years ago.�

“I don’t blame you.� I suddenly realized how much of what we’d said to each other since we’d been in the park pertained to how romantic it was and began to feel a ridiculous guilt because of it. I really could feel guilty about anything I decided as I walked up onto a breathtaking rustic bridge ahead of us. Snow powdered trees loomed overhead as the icy water of the river continued to rush underneath. I leaned over the edge as Justin joined me and we both watched the water silently.

“So why do you hate me so much, Taylor?� Justin’s soft voice broke the silence and I frowned, refusing to look at him.

“What a stupid question. I don’t hate you,� I replied.

“It’s not a stupid question,� he contradicted me. “When you were younger we always got along but ever since Bianca and I started...� He paused. “That’s it, isn’t it? You hate me for dating Bianca?� I shook my head and wandered over to the other side of the bridge, annoyed when he followed.

“If I hated you for dating Bianca, why would I be helping you win her back?� I pointed out, hoping to get him off my back.

“I don’t know.� To my relief, he was silent again at least for a minute or two, but then he spoke once more, a smile spreading over his face. “Do you remember when you were 11 and I was 13 and you wrote me that letter telling me you liked me?�

“Oi vey,� I lamented, covering my face with my hands as it turned bright red. I had done all in my power to forget that I’d ever written that letter, but clearly that wasn’t going to happen. “Okay, yeah. Now I hate you.�

“Sorry,� Justin apologized with a laugh.

“Yeah, laughing doesn’t help the whole apology thing, Justin,� I scolded, though I couldn’t help laughing myself.

“I felt so bad when I had to tell you I didn’t feel the same way,� he added through his chuckles.

“Oh God,� I covered my face again, though I was still laughing. “Can we please not talk about this? That was so long ago and so embarrassing.�

“Sorry.� He grinned at me. “You know, you’ve changed so much since then. You’re so much more guarded and-“

“Don’t analyze me!� I interrupted, beginning to feel irritated again. I couldn’t understand why he seemed unable to go five minutes without telling me why I behaved the way I did. It was driving me crazy.

“Sorry.� He apologized too much, I noticed. And he was silent again, but not for long. No wonder my mother always said he may as well have been Jewish. “You know, Tay, you’ve really grown up beautifully. Abe’s always saying how proud he is of you. You’re strong and intelligent and beautiful-� I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t.

“Why are you telling me this?� I interrupted, as usual coming off far more snappishly than I intended. Justin shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted you to know, because you always seem kind of down on yourself thinking you aren’t as good as Bianca or something, and well...you are.� He lifted his eyes up to mine and my breath caught in my throat for a split second as I tried to decipher his meaning. It seemed simple, but I knew it wasn’t. Nothing was ever as simple as it seemed, that much I had learned from life.

“Oh.� I barely got the muttering out of my mouth before our lips met. I wish I could say it was him who kissed me, but it was really more of a joint effort, our mouths moving towards each other simultaneously with little regard for what was going to happen or why. I unconsciously pressed my body closer to his as his hand cupped my face and lips gently caressed mine. And then they stopped.

“Sorry.� His eyes were wide with shock as he looked at me and spoke breathlessly. “I don’t know why I did that.�

“I don’t know why I let you,� I replied quietly.

“Yeah,� he said absentmindedly, running a hand through his hair. There was more silence, soon following by two pairs of traitorous lips meeting again.

Part Five - Smells Like Burnt Rubber

I do believe there is nothing in life that I hate more than awkward silences. Maybe this is because pretty much any silence in my family was an awkward silence, but I really do despise them. I hated the awkward silence that filled the room when my parents found out Bianca had convinced me to get a belly button ring. I hated the awkward silence that accompanied my discovery of my cousin Esther making out with my older brother’s girlfriend (don’t ask). I hated the awkward silence that occurred between Justin and myself after we kissed. But even more than that, I hated how when I hung out with Jake the next day, the conversation was littered with awkward silences.

Jake was supposed to be my buddy, the one I wouldn’t have to worry about stressing me out even more the day after that particular Saturday. And yet, as we sat in his room that day, he would barely even look at me and gave me nothing but monosyllabic responses to anything I said. After a while the only sound in the room was him bouncing a tennis ball against the wall as he laid on his bed and my fingers tapping on his desk as I sat perched on the chair next to it.

“Having fun?� I asked finally, after several other conversation attempts (including the suggestion of renting Say Anything, which was supposed to be foolproof) had failed.

“Loads,� he replied shortly, his words followed by the thunk, thunk, thunk of the ball against the plaster.

“Good.�

Thunk, thunk, thunk. Tap, tap, tap.

“So, um...doesn’t that annoy your neighbors?�

“Not half as much as their loud sex at 2 in the morning annoys me.�

“Oh.�

Thunk, thunk, thunk.

“Jake?�

“Yep?�

“Is something bothering you?�

Thunk, thunk...he finally stopped bouncing the ball and sat up, turning to look at me. He nodded.

“Now that you mention it, yes. Something is definitely bothering me.�

“What is it?� I inquired eagerly, feeling as though I was finally getting somewhere.

“Well...I guess I’m just trying to decide a course of action here. Maybe you can help me out.�

“Sure.�

“Let’s say that you had a friend.�

“Who is it?� I interrupted. “You or Bianca?�

“Neither of us.� He shrugged. “Just a friend.�

“Well it has to be you or Bianca. Who else is there?� I reminded him. He rolled his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter. Either of us. Just a friend.�

“Okay. So I’m imaging I have this friend...� I urged him to continue.

“Right.� Jake nodded, now beginning to toss the tennis ball from one hand to the other as he spoke. “And this friend of yours means a lot to you, even though you haven’t known him very long. Then one day this friend says he can’t hang out with you because of a religious obligation, so you decide to go for a walk in, say, Central Park. Hypothetically speaking of course.�

“Jake, let me-“ I began, realizing where this must be going, but he cut me off before I could finish my offer to explain. He shook his head as he continued speaking and I felt increasingly sick to my stomach.

“You decide to go for a walk in Central Park, all alone because pretty much everyone has ditched you and lo and behold, you see two people kissing on a bridge. At first you think nothing of it and then you realize: there’s your friend who clearly had no religious obligation, because he’s way too busy macking on some girl. What would you do in a situation like that?�

I was silent at first, shocked at what I was hearing and completely unable to decide what my response to this should be. Part of me said I didn’t have to explain anything to him. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I had every right to kiss someone else if I wanted to. The other part of me felt incredibly guilty and as though I were completely irredeemable in every way. Finally, a small voice came out of my mouth, though I was sure it wasn’t mine.

“You’re not gonna tell Bianca are you?� I asked quietly. Jake scoffed and I immediately felt like a prize idiot who had just come up with the most insensitive response possible.

“That’s nice, Taylor. Way to think about someone other than yourself,� he responded bitingly.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,� I attempted to backpedal clumsily. “I just mean...it was a bad decision on my part and if Bianca finds out I want it to come from me, you know? And I’m sorry...I know I shouldn’t have kissed him, and...I’m sorry.�

“Unbelievable.� Jake rolled his eyes. “You think this is just about you kissing Bianca’s stupid boyfriend?�

“Yeah,� I replied dumbly. I couldn’t think of what else it could be about. Kissing Bianca’s stupid boyfriend was the only thing I’d done wrong. The tennis ball dropped from his hands to the floor.

“Well, I don’t even give a shit about that. It’s none of my business who you kiss. But if you didn’t want to hang out with me yesterday you could have just said so. You didn’t have to lie about it.�

I probably should have explained that I didn’t lie, but had rather had a change of plans, but I was feeling oddly pissed off and defensive about him saying he didn’t give a shit who I kissed. “Bullshit,� I responded.

“Excuse me?�

“Bullshit. This has nothing to do with my not hanging out with you yesterday. You’re just pissed off because you thought I couldn’t get any other guys and I can,� I stated stubbornly. Jake laughed, sliding off his bed and standing up.

“Well, you think very highly of yourself, don’t you? You really think I care if you go around kissing stupid bastards like Justin Timberlake? I don’t give a flying fuck who you kiss, Taylor. But don’t act like we’re friends or some shit and then go ditching me to betray Bianca.�

“I did not betray Bianca!� I exclaimed, jumping off chair I was sitting on and folding my arms indignantly. Of course I knew I had, but someone else saying it made me feel so much worse and I couldn’t think of any way to feel better except to deny it. “Stop taking out your disappointment on me! It’s not my fault if you want more from this friendship than I do.�

Jake was silent for a moment as he just stared at me, his face expressionless. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft. “What friendship?�

Not having any response for that, I just shook my head at him before turning around and walking out the door.

***

“Taylor?�

I turned around to see Justin’s blue eyes looking down at me quizzically and felt horrible knots begin to form in my stomach. I had been standing outside his apartment building for nearly half an hour trying to decide what I was doing there when his voice had snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Hi,� I choked out nervously. I really didn’t know what I was doing there. I shouldn’t have been there; I should have been avoiding Justin at all costs, that was the natural thing to do.

“Hey.� He still looked a little confused, obviously wondering why I was dumb enough to come there as much as I was. “What are you doing here?�

“I don’t really know.� I gave a nervous laugh. “I guess...I don’t know.�

Justin nodded and looked around as though checking to see if anyone was watching. “Why don’t you come on up and we can talk,� he finally offered and I nodded.

“Yeah, okay.�

I followed him into the building and up the elevator in complete silence. Neither of us really knew what to say, and the air between us was filled with an awkward silence ten times worse than any I had experienced thus far. We both just stared at our feet, doing our best to avoid making eye contact. Trying to alleviate the tension filled silence, I said the first thing that came into my head.

“This elevator kind of smells like burnt rubber.� I still can’t believe that of all the things I could have possibly said in my attempt to alleviate tension, that was what I decided on. Maybe Bianca isn’t the “weirdo� of this story after all.

Justin snorted, clearly attempting to suppress his laughter and I rolled my eyes at myself.

“Sorry. That was a really stupid thing to say,� I said, trying to decide whether I should be amused or horrified. Justin shook his head.

“No, you’re right,� he agreed as the elevator doors opened and we stepped out into the hall. “It does have a very funky smell going on at the moment.�

“I wonder if we should be worried,� I commented, glancing back at the elevator as the doors slid closed behind us. My companion chuckled.

“Probably, but I’m not going to bother myself with it at the moment.� We reached his front door and he unlocked it, opening it and waving me inside before he entered and closed the door behind him. He gestured to the couch. “Have a seat. Do you want something to drink?�

“No, I’m good.� I shook my head and began fidgeting nervously as I looked around the large, neutral colored living room. My eyes fell on a picture of Justin with my brother Abraham that sat on top of an end table encased in a black picture frame. I smiled at the thought of my brother before I remembered why I was sitting in his best friend’s living room and what he would do to said best friend if he knew about the kiss we’d shared the day before.

“So, are we just going to sit here forever or are you going to tell me why you came here?� Justin’s voice forced me to look at him as he sat down next to me on the couch. The question sounded like something I would say, but the way he said it sounded far more gentle than accusatory, which was a skill I had never really mastered.

“Um...I...� I paused, biting my lip uncertainly. I shifted my gaze to the wall so that I wouldn’t have to look into the blue eyes that I was suddenly realizing were strangely mesmerizing. “I guess I just needed to talk to you.�

“Okay.� I could see him nod out of the corner of my eye as he responded gently. He was clearly aware that I was feeling nervous and confused and was attempting to make me as comfortable as possible, but sitting next to me like he was probably wasn’t the best way for him to do this. Being close to him made all the questions that had been running through my head for the past twenty-four hours far more prominent. Why had he kissed me? Why had I allowed it? Was it just some fluke thing or was this stemming from some suppressed attraction we had to each other? And how the hell was I going to look Bianca in the face and act like nothing was wrong when she got back?

“Why did you kiss me yesterday?� I blurted out, unable to contain my confusion or come up with a more delicate way to pose this question. I finally looked back at Justin and found that he had dropped his eyes to his feet.

“Wow, okay, um...good question.� He attempted to chuckle lightly but it just sounded forced and I sighed, waiting for him to say something else. “I don’t know, I guess I just...well...see...I love Bianca.�

I raised an eyebrow as he reestablished eye contact with me. I’m not quite sure what kind of response I had been expecting, but that was certainly not the explanation I had thought I would get. I don’t know why, and I know this is really selfish, but I felt really disappointed to hear those words come out of his mouth. I should have been happy. She was my best friend and she deserved someone who loved her, but...since the day before, I kind of found myself hoping that someone wouldn’t be Justin. And, to be honest, I think somewhere in the back of my mind that had been my hope all along.

“So you kissed her best friend? Okay, believe it or not, that isn’t helping my confusion,� I finally replied, eyeing him skeptically.

“No. Right. Sorry. Understandable. Um.� Justin took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, apparently having a very difficult time responding to my questioning stare. His eyelids slowly opened again and he glanced back at me for a moment before he began speaking to the wall. I had never seen him look so uncertain of himself. It was weird. “Taylor, you know I’ve always liked you. You’re a good kid and I always kind of thought of you as the little sister I never had, but recently I started realizing that you weren’t a little girl anymore and I started noticing what an amazing woman you are. You’re funny, you’re smart, you’re intriguing, and I think you’ve even got a little bit of vilde chayea yourself.�

“Do you even know what that means?� I smirked, surprised at the use of my mother’s nickname for Bianca being used to describe me. I am hardly a vilde chayea. I’m far too boring for that.

Justin nodded. “Wild animal.�

“Ooh, boy knows his Yiddish. Impressive.� He laughed and I smiled, feeling mildly relieved of my nervousness. Of course it came back the moment he started talking again.

“Anyway, the point is, I’ve been trying really, really hard not to think about how attractive you are, but yesterday I was just looking at you and realized how grown up and beautiful you’ve become and-“

“I’m not beautiful,� I cut him off with a mumble and a blush. Despite the fact that he had kissed me a mere twenty-four hours earlier, I was finding it very hard to believe that someone like Justin, who had a girlfriend as beautiful and amazing as Bianca, actually thought I was beautiful. He looked at me with a crooked smile and nodded slightly.

“Yeah, you are. Believe me, I wish I could say you weren’t, but you are, Taylor. You’ve got this great tall, thin figure, and this beautiful smile, and the most intriguing eyes and...� His voice trailed off as he seemed to realize that he was saying too much and I simultaneously realized that I was holding my breath and staring at him expectantly. He finally looked back at me and our eyes met the way they had right before our previous act of betrayal. “You are beautiful,� he repeated softly. “You really, really are.�

“Um...okay,� I replied, trying to prevent what I knew was about to happen from happening despite the fact that I sort of wanted it to happen. Justin just smiled briefly before brushing his lips softly against mine. I closed my eyes and returned the pressure as his lips began working more fervently against mine and my hand rested on his thigh. Our tongues slowly intertwined as I felt his hands work their way into my hair and I sighed into his mouth. But then he quickly pulled away, breathing raggedly and looking as shocked at his actions as he had the day before. I should have figured that would happen.

“I’m sorry, Taylor, I can’t,� he said, running his hands through his own hair and standing up off the couch. I just nodded, my heart sinking.

“Yeah, of course,� I agreed before softly mumbling the truth that had been in the back of my mind the entire time. “You’re going to get back together with Bianca, aren’t you?�

He looked at me apologetically, even sadly, and nodded. “Thanks for all your help yesterday.�

“No problem,� I tried to reply cheerfully as I stood up. “Good luck.�

I walked out of Justin’s apartment, trying to appear strong and unaffected. Strong and unaffected are two things I have always wanted to be, but have never been quite able to pull off. At that moment, though, I think I faked it pretty well. Of course, the moment I was out of his sight, I broke down into tears. It was then that I realized what my real problem with Justin and Bianca’s relationship had been from the very beginning. It wasn’t just that I was afraid of losing my best friend, it was that a part of me had never gotten over that 11-year-old crush I’d had on Justin and I was pissed off that Bianca got him while I had to just sit by and watch, alone and unnoticed.

But then he kissed me and I realized that I hadn’t been unnoticed. I had been very noticed, it was just that he had noticed Bianca first. Story of my life, right? Bianca was the outgoing one, the pretty one, the cool one, and I just sat in the background waiting for her to come back and keep me company until that moment when Justin kissed me and for once I wasn’t in the background anymore. For once I got what I wanted and a small part of me hoped that would last, even though I knew it couldn’t. Bianca would kill me and Abraham would kill Justin. Besides, Justin loved Bianca. I couldn’t compete with that, and really, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have to compete for him, I just wanted him.

I spent the entire cab ride back to campus sniffling and feeling sorry for myself. Bianca was gone, Jake hated me, and I was all alone as usual. . All I wanted to do was go back to my room and wallow in self pity. But as I approached my room, I saw a familiar figure sitting on the floor in the hall. I quickly wiped my eyes, hoping the redness in them wouldn’t be apparent.

“How’d you get in here?� I asked, referring to the building, which was locked on the outside. My only friend other than Bianca looked up at me and smiled, shrugging.

“What’s her name let me in,� Jake explained.

“Oh.� I went to unlock my door, not even caring who what’s her name was. Jake stood up and placed a hand on my shoulder. I opened my door, but turned to look at him before going in.

“Listen, I’m sorry I overreacted earlier about the whole Justin thing. You were right, I was jealous and I had no right to go all stupid on you over it. I’m sorry.�

I nodded and smiled. “Thank you. And I’m sorry too, but I want you to know that I didn’t lie to you. I was really planning on going to synagogue, but then Justin called all pathetic-like about wanting Bianca back and shit, so I went to go see him and things got, you know, weird and out of hand.� I felt a stray tear fall down my cheek and reached up to brush it away, hoping Jake wouldn’t notice. He frowned.

“Are you okay?�

“No,� I blubbered, the tears falling harder again. I felt like such and idiot and I wanted them to stop, but they wouldn’t. “Do you want to come in?�

Jake nodded and ushered me into the room, closing the door behind us so as to save me from the public humiliation of crying in front of my entire floor. “What’s wrong?�

“It’s just...I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. Justin loves Bianca and I’m an idiot. That pretty much sums up my life.�

“You’re not an idiot,� Jake replied, pulling me into his arms and kissing me softly on the forehead. “Justin, however, is another story.�

“I guess I was just hoping for the fulfillment of some stupid 11-year-old fantasy where Justin might actually want to be with me. Pretty stupid right?� I laughed bitterly at myself, feeling only slightly comforted by Jake’s embrace.

“No, it’s not stupid.� He rubbed his hand up and down my back a couple of times. “Much like the ending of Pretty in Pink is not stupid.� I knew he was trying to get me to laugh, and it worked. I pulled away from his embrace and brushed the tears away from my face again.

“You’re pretty lame, you know that?�

“That’s the spirit!� Jake grinned down at me. “Now, I know I’m not a girl or anything, but I do have three sisters and I have learned that the best thing to do in these types of situations is to get ice cream and bad teen movies and do some guy bashing. So, I think it’s time for you and me to get down to business here.� I raised an eyebrow.

“You want to bash guys with me?� I asked with a laugh. It was actually probably the best suggestion that he could have made and I had never been so glad to have a non-Bianca friend around.

“Hell yes I do. I can bash guys with the best of them, woman.�

“Okay.� I sniffed again. “Thanks, Jake.� He smiled and shrugged nonchalantly.

“Hey, I was kind of a dick to you earlier. It’s the least I can do.�

Part Six - It’s Not You, It’s Me

“So are you going to tell her?�

“Huh?� My head shot up from where it had been leaning over my French textbook to look at my study partner quizzically. Or at least Jake was supposed to be studying with me but instead he was staring across the table at me waiting for an answer to his completely random question.

“Are you going to tell Bianca?� He clarified for my slow to catch on benefit. It had been two weeks since Justin and I had kissed and I had yet to come clean to my best friend about the situation. She had returned from her visit at home seeming as down as ever about her “break� from Justin and I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I was a bitchfaced ho bag. Besides, how does one start a conversation about that? I’ll be damned if I know. So I’d been pretty much aiming to spend as little time around her as possible so as to alleviate the guilt I felt every time I saw her and hoped that maybe I’d just forget about it eventually. And what Bianca didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, right? Right. Especially if she got the guy anyway.

Meanwhile, “the guy� was still calling our room multiple times per day and Bianca was still refusing to talk to him, and I sure as hell didn’t want to talk to him so we had resorted to screening phone calls. I’m sure he knew exactly what was going on, because he was sounding increasingly exasperated on the messages he left on our answering machine.

“Well, I haven’t exactly found the right time,� I told Jake slowly. He shook his head at me as he did every time we’d had this conversation in the past two weeks. He thought I should come clean, claiming this whole thing would only blow up in my face if I kept it a secret, but I was hoping that if I waited long enough it would all just disappear.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re never going to find the right time?� he inquired.

“Well, you try finding a good time to tell your best friend that you kissed her sort of boyfriend. Twice,� I snapped irritably, slamming my book shut and shoving it into my bag. There was no way I’d be able to focus on French verbs now that my mind was on Bianca and I was all upset about it.

“The longer you wait, the harder it will get,� Jake reminded me for the millionth time in the past two weeks. While I was glad that he was still talking to me and being mostly supportive, I sort of wished that he would just let me live in my little dream world where there were no problems and I most definitely did not need to tell Bianca that I kissed Justin. Twice. I stood up and hoisted my bag onto my shoulder before flipping my hair over my shoulder and glaring down at my friend.

“I know.� I rolled my eyes, then turned and stalked off towards the entrance of the library. Jake soon caught up with me, an annoying smirk adorning his face.

“So you’re mad at me now, eh?� he inquired seeming half worried, half amused.

“Yes,� I responded shortly. He just nodded and we walked silently for a moment before I sighed and shook my head. “No, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at this whole situation, that’s all.�

“I know, Tay, and I understand, but I’m telling you. You have to tell Bianca, because if you don’t-“

“This will all blow up in my face,� I finished for him, sighing irritably and shaking my head. “I know, Jacob. You’ve said this to me about a billion times. And I know, I just want to wait a little while to be sure the timing is right and I know what I want to say and everything. I’ve told you this.�

“Okay,� he replied in such a way that I knew that he knew that I really had no intention of telling Bianca anytime soon. Or ever if I could help it.

“So, how are your classes going?� I inquired, eager to get the conversation going in another direction and, to some extent, generally curious about the progression of Jake’s studies. He laughed and glanced over at me, his eyes smiling.

“Nice segue, Taylor. Smooth, confident, obvious but not too obvious,� he commented. “I’m impressed.�

“What can I say? I’ve got talent.�

“You do. You truly do. And my classes are going swimmingly, how are yours?�

“Shitty. And I guess I’ll see you later so we can continue this stimulating conversation,� I added as we approached Jake’s residence hall and he steered his steps towards the entrance.

“Oh, I look forward to it,� he joked in response. “See ya. Don’t forget to tell Bianca!�

“Don’t forget to shut up!� I called back in retaliation, walking towards my own dormitory. I could hear my friend laughing behind me as he disappeared inside and I chuckled to myself, shaking my head and nearing Aden Hall.

As I entered my dorm and rode up the elevator, I found myself realizing that I was actually in a pretty decent mood, aside from my worries about Bianca drama, for the first time in quite a while. The weather had improved immensely by mid March and this particular day it was sunny and about 70 degrees outside. Just the fact that I was able to go outside without a coat for the first time in months was enough to put me in a good mood. Plus, it seemed that especially in light of my self-inflicted distancing from my best friend, Jake’s presence always made me a bit happier. Even when he was annoying me, which he definitely was. I smiled and waved to Anna as I stepped into my hall.

“Hey, Taylor, how are you?� she asked me, chipper as ever. I suddenly regretted waving to her. Now I was going to have to talk to her.

“Fine, Anna. You?� I replied politely.

“Good.� She smiled and nodded. “How’s Jake?�

“Fine,� I told her slowly, not failing to notice the giggle that had accompanied her question. It was a little weird, to say the least.

“Good to hear. Well, I better get back to my room. I’ve got some studying to do.� She turned to head back down the hall, but my curiosity was about to kill me.

“Wait, Anna,� I requested as calmly and nonchalantly as possible. She turned back around to look at me, still smiling that annoying little smile of hers. “You...know Jake?�

“Oh yeah, of course.� she responded. “I let him in the other day when he came here to see you and we talked a bit while he waited. So cute.�

“Oh. Okay.� Although I couldn’t explain why at the time (I could now, but I won’t), this information bothered me. The idea of Jake being friends with someone beautiful and perfect like Anna was bad, my mind told me. Very bad. So much for my good mood. “Well, see you later, Anna.�

“See ya!� she replied brightly, smiling even wider and wandering back to her room. I sighed and turned to my own room. I tried the doorknob and it was unlocked, so I threw my keys back into my purse and stepped inside. The sight which greeted me is one that will be forever ingrained in my mind whether I like it or not.

“Oh my God!� I exclaimed, turning away from Bianca, who was most definitely seated on Justin Timberlake’s lap and making out with him. She was also definitely not wearing a shirt, and I was flooded with a million different thoughts, mostly consisting of “WHY THE HELL DID THEY NOT LOCK THE DOOR?� and a few things about hating both of their guts which I would prefer not to share as I am ashamed for thinking them. “Sorry. Oh God. Sorry. I’ll go.� I hurried out the door but it didn’t take Bianca long to throw her shirt on and follow me.

“Tay, wait!� she called after me and I turned around to see her standing in the hall, fully dressed and looking flushed.

“You could lock the door, you know. Or stop humping people if you hear the door opening. That could be good too,� I told her snippily. She grimaced.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just got a little caught up in the moment. I’m sorry,� she apologized again. “But, hey, Justin and I are back together!�

“Clearly,� I replied shortly. She obviously wasn’t aware that this news would not make me feel better about things. In fact, it made me feel worse. A lot worse. I knew he was planning to get back with her, but I had actually started believe that she would never allow it, which would have fixed all of my problems. Except for the one where I still kind of wanted Justin for myself, but that was the least of my worries. “Look, don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll just go back to the library and you guys can continue you’re little...whatever.�

“Oh, no, don’t do that! I’ll feel bad,� Bianca whimpered pathetically. Sometimes I really hated that girl. Seriously. “Justin and I were going to go out, anyway. So we’ll go and you can stay. I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave.�

“Well I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave,� I retorted.

“Well I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave.�

“Too bad, because I don’t want you-“

“Okay, okay,� Justin cut me off as he stepped out into the hall and slid his arm around Bianca’s shoulder. I did my best not to look at him. At all. “Y’all need to stop going back and forth like this. Taylor, seriously, you should just stay here, ‘cause B and I were leaving anyway.�

“We were,� Bianca agreed and I glared at my feet in lieu of actually glaring at Justin. How dare he just talk to me like everything was normal and all right? I did not appreciate it.

“Well, I don’t want to ruin-“I began, but Bianca interrupted me.

“Tay, come on. We’re leaving anyway. In fact, I’m going to go freshen up and then we’ll be gone, okay? Don’t worry about it.� She then hurried down the hall towards the bathroom, not giving me a chance to respond and leaving me alone with Justin.

I had known that seeing Justin again was inevitable and as such had been inventing imaginary scenarios of how this moment would go. They had varied from him declaring his undying love to me to us getting in a fight or just acting as though nothing had happened at all. I had a feeling that the latter was the most likely and now that we were standing there silent and alone in the hallway, it seemed I had been right. It felt like an eternity before I finally decided to just go in my room and shut the door so I wouldn’t have to talk to him. You know, in case he ever tried to talk to me. Leaving my gaze on my feet, I silently walked past Justin and into the room. I began to shut the door, but just moments before I was free from the uncomfortable situation, he stopped the door by grabbing it. I sighed and kept my back to him, directing my annoyed gaze at the wall.

“So, what, you’re not talking to me now?� he inquired, sounding a bit hurt. I started to feel guilty for that before I realized that he had no right to be hurt. If anyone had the right to be hurt it was me. And Bianca, although she didn’t know enough to be hurt.

Biting my lip, I kept my gaze fixed on the wall and didn’t say anything. I could feel him step closer to me as he sighed and spoke again. “Look, I’m really sorry you had to see that-�

“I don’t care,� I finally interrupted, rolling my eyes despite the fact that he still couldn’t see them.

“You don’t care that you saw it or you don’t care that I’m sorry?�

“Take your pick. I just don’t care.� The emotionless. voice that I heard echoing throughout the room didn’t sound like mine, but it must have been. It certainly wasn’t Justin’s.

“Walls,� he sighed simply. The monosyllable probably wouldn’t have made sense to any flies on the wall of my room, but I knew what he meant. He was analyzing me again, determining that my saying I didn’t care was just my putting up walls to keep myself from feeling bad about the situation. And now, for the first time in my short life, I am going to admit something: he was probably right. I didn’t feel like being angry, or sad, or anything else that I normally would have been as I stood there with my back to my best friend’s boyfriend as he attempted to act as though there was nothing unusual going on that I should be upset about. So I made sure I wasn’t.

"Don't," I muttered softly.

"Fine, you're right. I wouldn't want to actually make you show emotion." Now he actually sounded sort of spiteful, which was not something I had ever heard from Justin. It threw me off a bit and made my stomach form knots of anger. I glanced back momentarily to deliver my tight lipped retort.

"No, because then you might have to take responsibility for it. Can't have that." I whipped my head back around to my wall.

"Who says I don't take responsibility for-"

“Justin, sweetie, why are you talking to Taylor’s back?� Bianca, my savior and the best friend I didn’t deserve, questioned, returning and interrupting whatever semblance of a conversation Justin and I had been having. I turned around slowly to look at her as Justin stopped mid-sentence to slide his arm around her shoulders again and she looked at us both quizzically.

“I think she prefers it that way. You know, no having to look at my ugly mug,� he joked in an infuriatingly nonchalant manner, placing a kiss on Bianca’s perfect forehead as she laughed. Well, he was half right.

“You know, Taylor, you really should be nicer to my boyfriend,� Bianca scolded me playfully. I just shrugged, not really having anything to say in response. I had been plenty nice to her boyfriend and we all see where that got me. Being nice to other people’s boyfriends is highly overrated.

“We should probably get going, B,� Justin intervened, all the while staring at me with a barely masked look of pain on his face. It was driving me crazy, the way he was acting as though he was entitled to be hurt. He was not. He was the one who had made all the decisions here. He got what he wanted and then some. Jerk.

“Okay,� she agreed with a nod. “See ya, Taylor.�

“Bye.� I waved and watched their retreating backs, fighting to keep any emotions from entering my system as I closed the door behind me and fell onto my bed. My hand flew over to the telephone and I dialed Jake’s number almost instinctively.

“Yo,� he answered and I almost smiled a little.

“Hey, it’s me,� I responded, fingering a loose thread on the blue afghan my mother had made for my bed.

“Needed another fix of my unique brand of intellectual stimulation, did we?�

“Something like that,� I sighed. “I’m having the worst day of my life right now.�

“Really? I leave you alone for two seconds and you’re already having the worst day of your life?�

“Yes. Want to come over and fix it with some movies and popcorn and friendly banter? And maybe a little bit of an explanation as to why you didn’t tell me you and Anna are getting all friendly?�

“Who’s Anna? And did you tell Bianca yet?�

“Worst day of my life, Jacob. Please save questions which make me want to shoot myself for another time.�

“I’ll take that as a no.�

Part Seven - My Stupid Mouth

I never used to believe that thing adults say about how the older you get, the faster time goes, but by the end of my freshman year of college I most definitely did. By the time finals rolled around, the previous year when Justin had first started ruining my life seemed like it was just yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. Looking back on that year, I couldn’t believe how different things were. By the end of the school year, Justin and Bianca were back with a vengeance, I was spending very little time with Bianca, and Jake and I were practically attached at the hip. If someone had told me at the beginning of the school year that this would be the state of things come May, I would have told them to lay off the crazy pills. But that was, in fact, the state of things and, believe it or not, it actually felt sort of normal.

Well, it felt mostly normal anyway. The fact that Bianca and I rarely spent any quality time together anymore, despite the fact that we lived together, did not and probably never will feel normal. And, honestly, it really saddened me. Granted, it was largely my fault, as even over a month after the whole Justin debacle, I still avoided her to avoid him and her talking about him. But it was also her fault. She spent so much time talking to Justin on the phone or being with him when he was actually in town that she probably wouldn’t have had much time for me anyway. Needless to say, she was not exactly the Bianca I had known pre-Justin. I didn’t like it, but I had resigned myself to it being a fact of life that friends change and grow apart. Besides, it wasn’t like we hated each other or anything. I had made sure that the one thing that would have put the final nail in the coffin of our friendship never came out. I think you know what I mean.

“Just the girl I wanted to see!� Bianca exclaimed as I entered our room mere minutes after finishing my French exam. I raised an eyebrow at her as I flopped onto my bed and started pulling my shoes off my feet.

“Oh yeah? What do you want from me?� I responded with a smirk, tucking my feet underneath myself. She walked over and sat down next to me, tucking a piece of long blonde hair behind her ear.

“I’ve been thinking,� she began.

“Uh oh,� I interrupted in my usual way.

“Shut up, Taylor. No interruptions, please.�

“Fine, fine.� I rolled my eyes. “What have you been thinking?�

“Well, I was thinking that you and I never hang out anymore and that sucks major ass.�

“Such classy language.�

“Taylor!�

“Okay, sorry. No interruptions. Continue.�

“Anyway.� She narrowed her blue eyes at me. “So, since today is the last day of finals and Justin is getting back into town for a couple of days, you and Jake should come out with us tomorrow night. Like on a double date type thing.�

“I don’t go on dates with Jake,� I responded calmly. “Jake is just my friend.�

“Irrelevant,� Bianca informed me matter-of-factly. “The point is that you guys spend a lot of time together and Justin and I spend a lot of time together when he’s here, but you and I hardly spend any time together, so I think it would be a good idea for all four of us to go out together and have fun. You know, to celebrate being done and all that.�

“I don’t know, B.� I grimaced slightly and bit my lip uncertainly. I really wanted to spend time with Bianca and I didn’t have a problem with Jake joining us, but the idea of having to spend time with Justin didn’t particularly appeal to me. I wasn’t exactly angry or sad or anything else that I had been just after The Incident, but it was still uncomfortable to sit there and watch him and Bianca hanging all over each other. I was also unsure of how Jake would react to being around Justin, seeing as he wasn’t exactly Timberlake’s number one fan.

“Come on, Taylor,� she whined, pouting and giving me the puppy dog eyes. I rolled my own eyes in response.

“You have got to be kidding me with that expression,� I stated.

“Please. Don’t you love me?�

“No.�

“Yes you do.�

“I don’t.� I shook my head at her, but sighed with defeat. “But I’ll ask Jake what he thinks and if he says he’s up for it, we’ll do it.�

Bianca grinned, showcasing her perfect pearly whites for me to inwardly loathe. “Great! It’ll be awesome. Trust me.�

***

“You could have just said ‘no’ when I asked. You do realize that, right?� I asked Jake as we walked, arms linked in a completely platonic manner, a few feet behind Justin and Bianca, whose hands were intertwined in an anything but platonic manner.

“I was trying to be supportive,� he responded in a whisper, eager to keep both our companions and Justin’s bodyguard from hearing the conversation we were having.

“Well, then stop whining about being here. It isn’t my fault you wanted to be supportive. I never asked you to be supportive,� I snapped. We had been out with the Wonder Couple for about an hour, and it was already clear that this night would be a disaster. Jake, while normally quite chipper, had spent the entirety of dinner glaring, quite obviously, at Justin as Bianca and I tried, unsuccessfully, to keep a fairly normal conversation going between the four of us. We were now heading to some bar to check out a band and I was hoping that the distraction of music would keep everyone happy and comfortable.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,� Jake apologized to me. “But really, are you enjoying yourself?�

“That’s not the point. We’re here because Bianca wanted us to all come out together and we’re nice people. It’s not about what I want.�

“You know, I think you really should have told her about what happened with you and Justin. She has a right to know.�

“Jake,� I began, sighing in frustration and lowering my voice as we approached the bar. “This is not the time or place to discuss this.�

“You’re right. Sorry.�

“What are you guys doing back there?� Bianca questioned as we caught up to her and Justin in the club. “Plotting our demise?�

“World domination, actually,� I responded with a smile and both Bianca and her lesser half chuckled.

“Sounds dangerous,� Justin commented, grinning at me. Even after a good five or six weeks had passed, that still pissed me off. The way he would just act like everything was normal, because to me, it wasn’t. He was still that guy who had kissed me and then went running back to my best friend, and whether I would have admitted it at the time or not, that still hurt. I felt Jake’s arm slide around my waist protectively as it had done that night almost every time Justin even dared to look at me.

“I’m going to go get some water,� he told me, obviously trying to shut Justin out of the conversation. “You want anything?� I shook my head and he turned his attention to Bianca. “Bianca?�

“Yeah, I could use a water too. Thanks,� she said with a smile. Jake nodded and headed towards the bar. I could see in Justin’s face that the way Jake had not asked if he’d wanted anything had not gone unnoticed.

“I’m gonna run to the restroom really quick,� Bianca informed Justin and myself. “I’ll be back in a sec.� She planted a kiss on her boyfriend’s cheek and was gone before I could offer to come along so that I wouldn’t have to be left alone with Justin. I directed my gaze to the band who was setting up on stage and hoped that Justin would just keep his mouth shut until someone else came back to save me from having to deal with this situation. It was the first time we’d been alone together since the last conversation, and it wasn’t something that I wanted to face. I didn’t want to face him acting like all was well and even more than that I didn’t want to face the alternative.

“So, Jake seems...charming.� I could hear the sarcasm in Justin’s tone as he broke the silence and I folded my arms defensively.

“He is.�

“Hey, listen, now that I’ve got you alone for a minute, I’ve been meaning to apologize to you,� Justin began. A bitter laugh escaped my lips before I could stop it.

“Don’t,� I responded, shaking my head. I didn’t want to listen to him tell me how sorry he was for hurting me or whatever it was that he wanted to say. I honestly didn’t know what I wanted other than to not be around him.

“Taylor, you can’t just keep freezing me out,� he told me with an exasperated sigh. “We’re going to have to be around each other sometimes, and I would like it if we could at least be friends.�

“Really, Justin? Would you like that?� I replied, raising an eyebrow. “Because I would have liked it if you hadn’t kissed me and led me on and then gone running back to Bianca, but I guess we can’t always get what we want, can we?�

“Taylor...� His voice trailed off and he rubbed his hands over his face, clearly frustrated with me, but for the first time in a long while I didn’t even feel the slightest bit guilty about it. He got to make the decisions based on what he wanted before, so now it was my turn. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I made the mistake of giving into my attraction to you, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I was upset about how I’d treated Bianca and you were just there.�

“Thanks,� I responded shortly. This was exactly why I hadn’t wanted to discuss this. I didn’t want to hear him tell me how sorry he was and what a big mistake I was. I didn’t want to hear him take back everything he’d said about my not being less than Bianca, because he clearly thought I was. I almost wanted to just keep believing he secretly felt something for me, even though I was beginning to realize that it probably wasn’t true. “That makes me feel a lot better.�

I was indescribably grateful that Jake chose this moment to return with two bottles for water. As he approached us, he glanced back and forth between Justin and myself, studying the unhappy looks on both of our faces.

“Where’d Bianca go?� he finally said and I realized that Bianca had in fact been gone for quite a long time.

“Bathroom,� Justin replied before I had the chance.

“Ah. And you didn’t seize the opportunity to mack on her best friend? Shocking.� I was just as surprised by the statement as Justin appeared to be. I hadn’t pegged Jake as the confrontational type, but apparently he was unable to conceal his dislike of Justin for much longer.

“Jake,� I reprimanded in a hiss.

“What is your problem, man?� Justin inquired as Jake took a swig of his water and I bit my lip nervously.

“You’re my problem,� Jake replied succinctly. “And the way that you think you can just use girls and then throw them aside with no consideration for their feelings or how your actions are going to affect someone else’s lifelong friendship.�

Justin shook his head and looked away from both Jake and myself. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.�

“No, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I’m talking about. I was the shoulder to cry on. You know, the one who actually gave a damn about the girl you couldn’t be bothered to worry about?� I was holding onto Jake’s arm now in an unconscious attempt to get him to stop talking, but it wasn’t working. I was not in the mood to break up a fight which might erupt from this conversation and I certainly did not want Justin knowing that I had cried over him. Which is why I stared intently as my feet as Justin’s face turned back to me, looking surprised and even a little upset.

“I made you cry?� he asked softly. Jake scoffed.

“Oh, now you care about her feelings?�

“Dude, fuck off. This is none of your business,� Justin responded angrily. Jake took a step towards him and I tightened my grip on his arm, pulling him back towards me defensively. And of course it was this moment that Bianca chose to return to us, looking confused at the way Justin and Jake looked more than ready to lunge at each other.

“What’s none of his business?� she questioned slowly. My heart was pounding in my chest as the rest of us silently tried to decide what to say.

“That your boyfriend is a ch-“ Jake began before I cut him off, not wanting him to say what I knew he was about to say.

“Jacob, please,� I begged him to stay quiet, largely because if Bianca found out about why Jake was mad at Justin that meant she would probably find out why she should be mad at me. Jake shook his head.

“She deserves to know what an asshole her boyfriend is,� he stated. “And she deserves to know how he spent his time on their ‘break.’� Bianca’s eyes widened in surprise and she looked over at Justin for an answer to her confusion. When neither he nor I said anything, she seemed to realize that there was something to Jake’s accusation.

“What is he talking about?� she inquired calmly, hands on her hips and deep blue eyes fixed on her boyfriend’s face.

“Nothing, babe,� he replied, reaching his arm out to pull her towards him, but she shook him off.

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing. The look on your face right now is not nothing.� She was glaring at him fiercely now and I was certain that everyone around me must have been able to hear the frantic beating of my heart. Justin ran a hand through his hair wearily.

“I don’t think this is the best place to talk about this, B,� he told her softly.

“Well, then where would you like to talk about it, Justin?� she asked angrily. “Because we can go there and talk about it.�

“B-“

“Shut up. We’re going. Now.� And with that, she stormed out of the bar, Justin following behind her obediently and his bodyguard trailing behind him. I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding and glanced over at my only remaining companion.

“I can’t believe you just did that,� I stated, not sure whether to be angry with him or admiring him.

***

Back at the dorm, Jake and I laid on my bed in silence, both emotionally drained from the night we had spent with Justin and Bianca. The latter had not returned yet, which suggested that she and Justin were either still fighting or having crazy make up sex. I personally did not want to put much thought into either option, particularly sex one.

“I’m sorry.� Jake’s apology finally broke the silence and I looked over at him as I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

“Sorry for what?� I replied.

“For saying all of that to Justin. I know it wasn’t really my place. He just...he pisses me off so much. I can’t believe that he has the nerve to treat you and Bianca the way that he does, you know?� I could hear anger seeping into his voice even now as he spoke and I couldn’t help smiling at it.

“I know. Don’t worry about it. It’s just...it’s not even all his fault, you know? I mean, it was my fault too. I shouldn’t have kissed him in the first place,� I admitted for the first time out loud. Jake shook his head.

“Yeah, but see, you actually care about how it all affects other people. He’s such a self-centered asshole that I doubt he’s even given a second thought to what his actions mean for you or Bianca or you and Bianca. It pisses me off,� he repeated. “And I can’t believe that he would just throw you aside without thinking twice about it. If I had you even for a second...� his voice trailed off and a strange feeling washed over me as I looked over at him.

“What?� I whispered. He just shook his head.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.� He didn’t say anything more, but somehow I knew exactly what he was feeling. The way he had been so protective of me all evening, and the way that he willingly sat next to me now, no matter how quiet or weird it sometimes got. I knew that he cared.

“Jake?�

“Yep.�

“May I admire you?� I asked. I could almost feel the smile that I knew formed on his face at the reference to what had become known as “our� movie.

“If you wish,� he replied with a smirk and I laughed. Instinctively, I reached over and placed my hand in his so that we were laying their side by side, hands intertwined as we both silently stared at the ceiling. Then before I knew what was happening or had time to think through what I was doing, I had turned my head towards my friend and pressed my lips against his. His grip on my hand tightened and his lips worked fervently against mine for a few seconds before he pulled away.

“What are you doing?� he asked breathlessly. I frowned, pulling my hand away from his and sitting up. He followed suit.

“I-I’m sorry,� I stuttered an apology. “I don’t know what I was...but I thought you wanted...�

“I do,� he assured me quickly. “I just don’t want this to happen for the wrong reason.�

“What do you mean?�

“I mean, are you kissing me because you want to kiss me, or are you kissing me because you can’t kiss Justin?�

He locked his eyes on mine and I fidgeted uncomfortably as I realized that I wasn’t really sure of the answer to that question. It took mere seconds, though, for me to take note of the butterflies in my stomach and the thoughts flashing through my head about how perfect his hand felt in mind. And it took less than a second for me to return my lips to his in response to his question. His arm snaked around my waist and pulled me closer to him and I slid my arms around his neck as the kiss began to deepen. That is, of course, before the door swung open and I jumped off the bed and away from Jake as a tear-stained and hysterical Bianca entered the room.

“I knew it,� she greeted us, tears streaming down her face. “I knew there was someone else. I knew that was the reason for that stupid break. I knew it.�

“I should probably go,� Jake whispered quickly and he hurried out of the room as I focused on my best friend.

“What?� I asked, pretending that this was all news to me. She walked over to me and flung her arms around me. I returned the embrace and ran my hand over her hair soothingly.

“He kissed someone else while I was gone in Florida, Taylor,� she sobbed. “I mean, I know it could be worse, but-but...I didn’t even want to touch someone else when I didn’t have him. Why would he want to make out with some other slut?�

“Um...I don’t know,� I stammered, hurt by the fact that my best friend had unknowingly just called me a slut. She pulled away from me and sat down on her bed, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “Did you ask him why?�

“He didn’t give me a real answer. He just kept saying ‘I’m not perfect, Bianca,’ and telling me what a mistake it was and how much he loves me and that it will never happen again. He fucking stuck his tongue down some other girl’s throat. God, men are such bastards. I bet she was prettier than me.�

“I doubt that,� I choked out, my heart and mind both racing. I didn’t know how to handle this situation. How do you console a friend who is, unbeknownst to her, crushed because of something you did?

“And you know what the worst thing is? He wouldn’t even tell me who it was. He just kept saying that it didn’t matter and that it would only make it worse if I knew. Well, it fucking matters to me, dammit!� She punched her pillow and I bit my lip as she began crying again.

“It was me,� I spat out. Immediately after I said it, my hand flew to my mouth as though that could protect me from the ramifications of what I’d just done. I had no idea why I had just admitted that to her. This was not the best time for my conscience to be making a cameo experience.

“What?� Bianca’s voice was nearly inaudible as she stared at me incredulously, appearing completely unable to believe what I had just said. Seeing no way to backpedal out of this, I repeated it.

“It was me.�

“You?�

I just nodded as she continued to stare at me in utter disbelief.

“That’s not funny, Taylor,� she finally said.

“I’m not kidding.�

“What...how...why...how could you do that?� she finally screeched, face reddening in horror.

“I don’t know, it just happened!� I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in surrender. I then made the mistake of trying to explain my way out of the situation. “We were at Central Park and...and you guys weren’t together at the time, so...um...God, I’m sorry you had to find out like this, B. I wanted to tell you, I really did.�

The room was silent again and I felt like dying right then and their as Bianca and I just stared at each other. I could see in her eyes that she was feeling the first real hatred she had ever had for me. I felt like shit. Complete and total shit.

“Get out of my sight,� she finally muttered bitterly.

“But, B-“ I tried to object.

“Leave before I say something I regret, Taylor. Get away from me now.�

I stared at her for a moment more, a tear sliding down my cheek, then turned towards the door and walked away, fearing that I had just lost the best friend I’d ever had.

Epilogue - Shortly Before the End

How long did we all think this all would last?
Who could have counted days as they flew past?

“Excuse me,� I apologized quickly as I bumped into a couple who were strolling past me holding hands, as people are prone to do on Valentine’s Day. It was an unusually sunny day outside for February 14th in New York City, so most of the people who had a Valentine were taking the opportunity to take long, romantic walks. Well, they might have been more romantic if they hadn’t been on the NYU campus, but I guess when you’re in love you don’t care where you are as long as your with that special person. Or something like that.

I myself was on my way to library to do some heavy duty studying. I had a huge exam coming up and exams do not stop for anyone, even those in love. I rushed into the library, narrowly missing another couple who seemed unaware of my existence and more than happy to run into me. I had to twist my body into a rather strange position to avoid them, but I still managed to do so.

Naturally, my good luck couldn’t last for long, and as I untwisted myself and stepped the rest of the way through the doors I walked right into a mane of long, blonde hair that presumably had a person attached to it. I couldn’t say for sure at that moment, though, because as I ran into her, her hair went flying forward, obscuring her face and she stooped down to pick up the books she had dropped.

“Sorry,� I whimpered pathetically, briefly contemplating helping her with her books. I decided against it as she almost had them together and I had a feeling my help would only make things worse.

“It’s fine,� she replied and as she stood, I finally recognized my...well, I don’t really know what to call her anymore. At one point she was my best friend, my only friend, even. Now? Now she was...just Bianca, whom I hadn’t spoken to in at least six or seven months. That isn’t for lack of trying or anything. I spent the entire summer back in Orlando trying to get her to forgive me and talk to me, but to no avail. Of course, within a month Justin had groveled to her satisfaction and she had willingly taken him back. But me? Her best friend? Did she give me the same leeway she gave him? No. And it was at that point that it stopped being worth it. I stopped trying to talk to her, I stopped caring that she was mad at me, and I stopped hoping that we would go back to being how we used to be.

It wasn’t easy, of course. My mother kept asking me why Bianca never came by anymore, and I had to find excuses so that I wouldn’t have to admit that I’d managed to lose the only true friend I’d ever had. Abraham was suspicious, so I avoided him all summer. The few times Justin stopped by to see him in particular, I would not leave my room for fear of having to interact with the one person who meant more to my best friend than I did.

Then when school started up again, I had to find someone else to live with (unfortunately, it ended up being Anna, the overly cheerful girl from our dorm) and I had to try and anticipate Bianca’s course schedule so that I wouldn’t sign up for any of the same classes as she did. And I missed her a lot, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

Now here we were, standing face to face and awkwardly feeling as though we had to say something to one another. I was the first one to speak, as generally seemed to be the case in these situations.

“How are you?� I asked politely.

“Good,� she replied with a nod. “Really good. You?�

“Fine.� I shrugged. “How’s Justin?�

“He’s good. He’s coming into town tonight to take me out to dinner. And Jake? How’s he doing?�

“Oh, you know. He’s Jake.� I smiled and she smiled back. It was probably the first time we’d both smiled within a two mile radius of each other in nearly a year.

“That’s good. Listen, I have to get going, but uh...we should hang out.� I nearly died of shock when I heard those words coming out of her mouth. Bianca was never one to be polite, so apparently she really meant it.

“Oh. Yeah. Definitely.� I nodded, trying not to look confused at this apparent step towards reconciliation. “See ya.�

“Bye.� She waved and walked away and I stood rooted to my spot, still finding it hard to believe that Bianca and I could actually be friends again. I finally decided that it was up to her. I had done all I could to fix what had happened, and if she wanted to apologize to me for being so unreceptive, then maybe we could actually get somewhere But I didn’t expect it to happen, to be honest. Bianca was always a little too proud for apologies.

“Hey, baby, sorry I’m late,� Jake apologized as he approached, giving me a quick kiss on the lips in greeting.

“Yeah, you should be,� I replied with a smirk.

“Fine, I’m sorry. Sheesh. And here I thought my girlfriend might cut me some slack on Valentine’s Day.� He rolled his eyes at me playfully.

“You wish.�

“Yeah I do.�

“Yeah, you do.�

“That’s what I just said.�

"Yeah you did."

"Please stop talking."