Part One – Wonders Never Cease

When I was a kid, I always used to fantasize about my wedding, like most little girls do. I would think about what kind of dress I would wear and who would be there, and who my bridesmaids would be. That last part wasn’t too difficult since I only really had one friend, so I figured it would be her and any number of cousins I needed to fill the gap between my one friend and however many groomsmen my husband had. And I always assumed that I would be that one friend’s maid of honor too. I never, ever in a million years thought that I wouldn’t even find out about her engagement from her.

It had been four years since I had lost my closest, and only, friend in the world. She had been my best friend since we were kids, we were inseparable, she meant everything to me. And somehow we let it all get fucked up over some guy. I still don’t know how that happened.

Okay, I know how it happened. I made out with her slut of a boyfriend. That was pretty shitty of me. But to be fair, he wasn’t actually her boyfriend at the time. They had broken up. And I apologized and it sucked, but I don’t think I ever deserved to be disowned as the world’s worst friend over it. Unfortunately, Bianca is a drama queen and that’s what happened.

I mean, we made up to some extent. We started hanging out some again, and she doesn’t hate me any more. But we were never as close as we used to be, and when we graduated college, she stayed in New York and I moved to Boston and…we were already grown apart, so it isn’t a surprise that we don’t exactly talk on the phone every day. Or every week. Or even every month.

But I’m still in shock, sitting here, staring at the magazine in front of me, and seeing the ring glittering on my former best friend’s finger and the headline announcing that she is engaged to the previously mentioned slut of a boyfriend. Shocked that they’re engaged, and even more shocked that she didn’t bother to tell me.

“Holy mother of…shit,� I mutter, completely dumbfounded at what I’m seeing in front of me.

My boyfriend, who’s sitting next to me on the couch reading some ridiculously thick book for one of his graduate English classes, glances over at me, raising his eyebrows.

“Holy mother of shit?� he repeats. “What does that mean? Is she like…the patron saint of shit or something? Or is this a Jewish thing?�

I roll my eyes at him, not bothering to say anything as I pass the magazine over to him. He looks at it for a second and it isn’t long before his eyes widen and he understands my shock. “Shit!� he exclaims.

“I know!�

“I did not know that Heidi Klum was pregnant again.�

“Jake! My oldest friend is engaged, and I’m finding out about it by reading In Touch. This is not a time for jokes.�

“You’re right,� he agrees.

He puts the magazine down on the coffee table and puts his arm around me. I snuggle up against him, trying to find comfort in this moment where so many feelings are overwhelming me. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. I haven’t even spoken to Bianca in months, I don’t know why it surprises me that she hasn’t called me to tell me she’s engaged. It shouldn’t. Why should she tell me? I’m not her best friend anymore. I haven’t been for several years now. That doesn’t usually hurt anymore, but it hurts right now.

I feel like I would still tell her if I were getting married. I called her when I got into law school. I called her when I decided to live in sin, as my mother puts it, and move in with Jake. Whenever something good or bad happens to me, I still want to tell her. I guess I don’t understand why after all these years, she still doesn’t want that kind of relationship with me. I don’t understand how my one mistake four years ago, after 15 years of friendship, warrants her desire to apparently not have me in her life at all.

“It’s weird, huh?� Jake finally says to me after several minutes of silence. He’s used to me just getting in my own head and sitting here saying nothing, and he doesn’t even to react to the way I jump a little at his voice.

“Yeah,� I mutter. “It’s really weird. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.�

“I can’t believe she’s marrying that dipshit.�

I can’t help laughing at that comment. Jake has never been a fan of the man Bianca’s going to marry, who also happens to be my brother’s best friend and one of the biggest stars in the world. I can’t say I really blame him. He met Justin at a time when he wasn’t exactly a stellar example of maturity and character.

“Honestly, I’m a little surprised too,� I admit. “Not cause there’s anything wrong with Justin, I mean he’s a good guy overall.�

“The best. Who doesn’t love a guy who cheats on his girl and breaks up friendships?�

“But I guess I didn’t ever really see them making it in the long run,� I continue, ignoring his snide remark. “I mean, from what I’ve gathered the past few years they’ve never really been stable. On again, off again, all of that stuff. Not like us.�

Jake grins at this comment and places a kiss on my forehead, pulling me closer to him affectionately. “Yeah.�

I smile up at him, glad that I met him when I did. He has been the only constant in my life since Bianca disappeared from that role, and I’m grateful for it. When I imagine my wedding now, he’s always the one who’s standing across from me. I would never tell him that, tends to freak the men folk out, that sort of thing, but it’s true. When I think about it now, it starts to bum me out again, though. Because I don’t know anymore who will be standing next to me to witness the happiest day of my life.

* * *

I’m in the middle of a really bizarre dream involving me delivering Heidi Klum’s baby, when I suddenly hear a distinctly familiar sound in the background of the delivery room. The phone’s ringing, but I can’t figure out where it’s coming from and I’m just kind of walking around in circles while nurses are telling Heidi to push. It’s all very confusing, until Jake’s voice wakes me up and I realize that the phone is really ringing.

“Tay,� he whispers, nudging me just enough to make me stir. “It’s for you.�

“Hmmm?� I groan. I roll over to look at him and he’s holding the phone out to me. I’m not sure what time it is, but it’s definitely still pitch black outside, so I can say that it is too late for anyone to be calling me. Or too early, I guess.

“Hello?� I say into the phone, my grogginess apparent in my voice.

“Taylor? Hey, I’m sorry, did I wake you up?�

“Yes, you fucking woke me up, bitch,� I want to say, but I don’t. I don’t really know what to say because I’ve just realized that Bianca is calling me for the first time in a months and I want to be pissed at her for choosing to do it in the middle of the night, but I can’t figure out if it’s worth it or not.

“Ummm…yeah, kind of,� I finally manage to stutter.

“I’m sorry.�

“It’s fine. What’s up?�

“I…well…I have some really good news and I really want to share it with you. I’m so sorry for calling so late, I just…I couldn’t sleep and I needed to tell you, so…I’m sorry.�

“Okay.�

That’s all I say, and I wait for her to tell me what I know she called to tell me. I briefly consider telling her that I already know, partly because she’s taking a really long time to say anything and I’m tired, and partly because I want her to feel bad that I had to find out from a trashy magazine. I then realize that I have no idea when I became so bitter towards Bianca. I could have sworn I’d forgiven her years ago in exactly the same way I always wished she’d forgive me.

“Well…what’s up?� I finally ask after a good few minutes of silence.

“Um…well…� I can tell she’s nervous by the way she’s stammering. Bianca is so rarely under confident, it’s almost unsettling. Like talking to myself. A blonder, prettier version of myself. “Well, Justin and I just went on this really great vacation to Greece a couple of weeks ago, and he took me out to dinner on this boat one night, and it was really beautiful and romantic, and…well, he proposed. And I said yes.�

It’s odd the way she says it. I always thought when Bianca told me she was getting married, she’d be bubbly and happy and excited, barely able to contain herself, like she is on the most ordinary of days. But she doesn’t seem happy or excited. She’s speaking with a kind of trepidation, like she’s terrified of what I’m going to say. Like she thinks I’m not going to approve or I’m not going to be happy for her or something.

“That’s great!� I exclaim as enthusiastically as I can under the circumstances. “I’m really happy for you. Congratulations!�

“Really?� She sounds relieved.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? I want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy…it’s great!�

“He does. He really does make me happy, and I’ve been waiting for this a long time.� I can hear her voice relaxing even more now that she’s over the hurdle of telling me.

“Good. I’m glad.� I’m a little surprised that this time, it’s actually true.

“Thanks, Taylor. That means a lot.�

There’s a short silence again, and I consider saying I need to go back to sleep, but before I can Bianca jumps in again, and this time the hesitance and lack of confidence is back in her voice.

“So, I was wondering, and you can say ‘no’ if you want to, I’ll totally understand, but…I’d really like it if you would…be my maid of honor.�

I honestly, literally, completely have no idea what to say in this moment. It’s like, okay, when you were a kid, did you ever really, really, really want something and every time you asked your parents they’d say “no?� But you just keep asking, because you’re a kid and you’re obnoxious like that? And then one day, they say “yes� and you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s like you’d almost forgotten that they might say yes and you never prepared yourself for the possibility, you only prepared yourself for the likelihood that they would reject your desires. That’s how I feel right now.

“Oh,� is all I can think to say at first.

“Like I said, I’ll totally understand if you don’t want to, I know we’ve grown apart a lot, but…you’re the only girl who’s known me since I was really little and you’re the only one who was there with me when things with Justin started and, I don’t know…it just feels like it should be you, Taylor.�

I don’t really have a choice, do I? I have to say yes. So I do.

Part Two – Awkward Situations

“Okay, whose idea was it for us to drive here?� Jake asks as we sit stuck in one of the worst traffic jams I've ever seen in New York City, which is saying something.

“Well...it was either you or me and it wasn't me,� I remind him as subtly as a I possibly can.

“Ha ha.�

It's the beginning of November and Bianca has decided that she wants a Christmas wedding. Well, Christmas Eve to be exact, which gives us a grand total of one month and twelve days to plan an entire wedding. Judging by the phone conversations we've had in the past week since she asked me to be her maid of honor, Bianca is not planning on a small wedding either, so I will be very impressed if we manage to pull this off. So naturally, Jake and I have made the drive from Boston to New York on a Saturday morning so that I can spend my day trying on bridesmaids dresses, looking at various cake and invitation options and otherwise wanting to claw my own eyes out.

We sit in traffic for what seems like hours, although I'm pretty sure it's only been about 45 minutes. The only sound in the car for much of that time is the music coming from Jake's iPod, because as usual I am lost in my own little dysfunctional world. I'm nervous. More nervous than I have been about pretty much anything since maybe when I was applying for law schools. Maybe even more nervous than that.

Bianca and I have talked on the phone almost every day for the past week, trying to get thing started for the planning process. It's been fine, but a little awkward. You know how there are some people who you can not talk to for years but then when you finally do, it's like nothing has changed? Apparently Bianca is not one of those people for me. I find myself constantly wondering why she even asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm Jewish so a Christmas Eve wedding won't conflict with any grand family plans, but Jake tells me I'm being paranoid and overly skeptical. He's probably right.

“You're nervous,� Jake finally breaks my silence. He chuckles at the way I jump a little at the sound of his voice, as I often do when I'm spacing out.

It's not a question or an observation, he's telling me as if I didn't already know. Of course I'm nervous, but I'm not sure how he could tell. I'm just sitting here with my feet propped up on the dashboard, staring listlessly out the window and tapping my fingers on the windowsill next to him. Like I said, I've been spacing out, but that's not exactly unusual for me, so who knows what I've done to tip him off. It's scary how well he can read me sometimes.

“Yeah,� I sigh. “I don't know why, but I am.�

“I know why,� he replies. “You've been telling me why for the past week. It's awkward talking to her, you feel skeptical about being in her wedding at all...it's all completely understandable. Besides, how long has it even been since you guys have seen each other? I don't even remember.�

“I saw her at Christmas last year. Remember, we ran into her at that Christmas party back in Orlando? We didn't talk much though, she was on her way out.�

“Oh, yeah, that's right...still, it's been a long time. And it's been even longer since you guys were close. It's normal to be nervous.�

“Yeah, I guess.� I sigh again, and looking out the window I realize we've finally arrived at our destination: a little designer dress shop on 42nd Street.

I bite my lip as Jake pulls over to the curb. He looks over at me and smiles, giving my arm an encouraging squeeze. “Have fun,� he says.

I want to laugh. Fun is not at all what I am anticipating, but I give him a weak, “I'll try,� and a smile before I open the door and step out onto the bustling side walk.

The moment I walk into the store, I see Bianca and six other women, her mother and other bridesmaids I assume, crowded around one of the racks on the opposite side of the store, chattering and giggling. The first thing I notice is that every single one of them is blonde. Most of them are fake blondes, I'm sure, but there is not a brunette or redhead among them. The next thing I notice is that they are all wearing stylish 5th Avenue kind of dresses and heels that are several inches high. This shouldn't surprise me, really, Bianca went into fashion journalism (she works at Vogue) so most of her friends are fashionable, but in the 32 degree weather, it didn't even occur to me to wear anything that didn't completely cover my legs.

Most of the time in life when I'm really nervous about a situation, I start to feel better when I'm in it. This is not one of those times. Now that I am here in the store looking at these women and realizing that when I join the group I'll stick out like a sore thumb with my dark hair and jeans, I am more nervous than I have been all day. It takes me about two minutes to get my legs moving towards them, but I finally approach the group and greet them with a rather pathetically meek, “hi� and all seven blonde heads whip around to look at me in a creepy simultaneous motion.

“Taylor!� Bianca breaks out in a huge smile and throws her arms around me.

For a minute I forget the fact that my former best friend, formerly the high school rebel with the nose ring and blue streaks in her hair, has turned into one of the New York socialites we always made fun of our first year in New York. For a minute she feels like my friend Bianca again and I am a little bit more at ease. Then she pulls away and introduces me to her friends who all have names like Stacey and Nicole, and I start to feel nervous and out of place again.

“Sorry I'm late, traffic was horrible,� I say.

“You drove?� One of the girls – I think her name is Anna – looks shocked at the concept.

“Yeah, my boyfriend's idea.� I roll my eyes and laugh a little. All the girls give an obligatory understanding chuckle.

“How is Jake?� Bianca asks me.

“Oh, he's good. He's going to meet up with some of his buddies from college until I'm done here today. They've been trying to find time to get together for a while, so I think he's glad he finally got an excuse to come down to New York.�

“That's nice.�

There's an awkward silence, where obviously no one else knows what to say to the inappropriately dressed new brunette outcast in their midst, so Bianca does the natural things and breaks it with wedding talk.

“So, obviously since it's a Christmas wedding, my colors are going to involve red and green, but I don't want to be super cliché and just go straight red and green for the dresses, so I'm thinking red and black for the dresses and then maybe bringing the green more into the decorations and stuff,� she tells me. The other girls all nod, but they obviously know this already.

“Here's the dress I'm thinking of for you.� She hands me a knee-length red strapless dress. “But there are several other options the other girls can show you. I have to go get measured for my dress. I'll be back in a few.�

And with that, she saunters off to be measured and leaves me alone with her fancy new friends, who all start chattering at once. I just stand there awkwardly holding my dress and listening to them, wondering when we are going to actually get to the whole trying on dresses part. They seem nice enough, but I don't really have anything to contribute to a conversation about what's in this season.

Finally, I just start walking over to the fitting room and they follow me like a flock of sheep, black and red dresses in hand. As soon as I get in my fitting room, I just stare at myself in the mirror for a moment wondering what I'm doing here. It's been a long time since I felt like I didn't fit in somewhere, and an even longer time since I've cared. But at this moment, I definitely feel like I don't fit in, and I kind of feel like I care. It's weird. I feel about 15 years old.

“So, Taylor, what do you do?� a voice asks me from the next stall. I think it's Nicole, but it's hard to tell.

“Um, I'm a law student,� I reply, taking my boots off. “At Harvard.�

“Wow,� a chorus of blondes chime from all sides of me like some creepy socialite surround sound.

“That must be really hard,� Nicole comments.

“Yeah, it's definitely a lot of work. But I enjoy it. I mean...as much as anyone can enjoy law school, I guess.� I laugh self consciously and again they all chime in from all angles.

I don't say anything else and neither does anyone else, so I guess that's the end of “getting to know Taylor in the most awkward way possible.� As I pull off my sweater and my jeans and pull on the red dress, I can hear women on both sides of me commenting on how old they're starting to look and how this black dress doesn't look nearly as good as they were hoping and every other cliché complaint under the sun.

I look at myself in the mirror in this small red dress and I have to say, I'm actually kind of impressed with how good I look. I've lost a few pounds this semester due to stress. Not the best way to do it, but they were really the only few I needed to lose, so I'm kind of my perfect size right now. And red's always been a pretty good color on me. I'm shocked to say it, but I actually really like this dress.

I hear fitting room doors opening around me and assume that the others are showing their dresses to one another. I start to hear them commenting on each other's looks and I bite my lip nervously. I think I look pretty good, but I am not tall, blonde, and beautiful like most of these girls.

“Taylor, are you ready?� the one named Shannon asks.

I don't respond, I just open the door and step out into the store. All six women are staring at me, and all six jaws drop instantly when I emerge from the fitting room. I feel really self conscious right now, but at least it's a good reaction.

“Oh my God,� Shannon says. “That dress is so perfect on you.�

“You look beautiful,� Nicole agrees. “I think I hate you a little bit.�

They all start crowding around me, looking at me from all angles, wondering if they can pull of the dress as well as I can and gushing over how good I look. I can't help grinning and I start to feel a little bit more comfortable with these girls. Even Bianca's mom, who never really liked me all that much, hugs me and tells me that I look gorgeous, then whispers in my ear that she's glad I'm here. I smile and hug her back, hoping that someday I'll be able to tell her how much I needed to hear that.

* * *

By the time we make it to the Plaza Hotel that afternoon after hours at the dress shop, and the caterer, and the bakery, and a stationery shop, it's just Bianca, Mrs. Hampton and myself. All of the others have dropped off at one point or the other to go do other things in their lives. But I, as the faithful maid of honor, who also has no car and no way to escape, have survived through all of it. My feet are killing me and I'm exhausted, but it's been a pretty good day. Once the initial awkwardness wore off, I actually started having fun. Bianca's friends were really sweet and some of them were really funny. Definitely the kind of girls I could get along with. It was a nice surprise.

“I'm surprised that the Plaza would even have an opening on such short notice,� I comment as we wait for someone to come show us the hotel's Grand Ballroom.

“Well, let's just say it pays to have a famous, rich fiance,� Bianca replies with a wink.

“Oh yeah, I forget that I am not dealing with the rules of the normal world anymore,� I quip, and they both laugh.

“It is pretty crazy,� Bianca admits. “I mean, I've gotten used to it by now, but sometimes I am reminded that not everyone can have whatever they want with money as no object. I'm very lucky.�

I'll say. One of the wedding coordinators for the hotel finally meets up with us and escorts us to the Grand Ballroom and I have to say, it's the fanciest thing I've ever seen. Even if I could get into this place on short notice there's no way I could ever pay for it even if Jake, his parents, and my parents all pitched in. The way Bianca gasps when she walks in pretty much tells me that this is going to be the place. I don't blame her. It's beautiful.

Her mother deals with most of the details and Bianca and I just wander around the room, gawking at the gold and the ceilings and the walls and the chandeliers. She starts rambling about lights and Christmas trees and wreathes and how amazing it is going to look, but I can barely register any of it, I'm so in awe that she gets to get married here.

It isn't too long before they seal the deal and we leave the ballroom. Bianca and Mrs. Hampton walk arm in arm talking excitedly about decorations and guest lists and God knows what else, and I hang back a little, just trying to take everything in. Bianca and I talked about our weddings a lot as kids, and she used to want to get married on the beach. This is a far cry from a beach wedding with no shoes and a ukulele band, but a lot about Bianca had changed over the years.

I wander to one of the windows overlooking Central Park and realize how close I am to the spot where my friendship with Bianca was forever changed. That park was where Justin and I first kissed. Despite the fact that it took several weeks for my friendship to actually end, that was the moment when I lost my best friend. It feels weird standing here, in the place where she will get married to him, looking out over a memory like that.

“Taylor.�

I jump a little, as I usually do when someone takes me out of my head like that. I didn't hear Bianca walk up behind me. She is shockingly stealthy for a woman in 4 inch heels.

“It's a beautiful view, isn't it?� she asks, nodding out towards the park.

“Yeah, it is.� I force a smile. I realize I'm not sure that she knows that's where Justin and I kissed. I expect it probably isn't a very good idea to tell her.

“So, listen, Justin and I are going to meet up for dinner in about an hour. He's with Abe right now doing tux stuff, so Abe's gonna come with his wife too. We were wondering if you and Jake would like to join us?�

I hesitate. I would like to see my brother and his wife, Leah, and I have no objection to dinner with Bianca, but I know that Jake probably won't be too stoked at the prospect of an evening with Justin.

“I'm not sure. Let me give Jake a call and see where he's at with his friends.�

“Okay, sounds good.� Bianca gives me a big smile and hugs me out of nowhere. “Thanks for being here, Tay. It really means a lot.�

* * *

“I can't believe I let you talk me into this,� Jake groans as we walk arm in arm up to the restaurant in SoHo where we are meeting Bianca and the others for dinner. I roll my eyes at his whining.

“I didn't talk you in to anything, I just asked, and you said 'yes.' You have no one to blame but yourself,� I remind him.

“Yeah, well...I wasn't going to say you had to skip dinner with your brother and long estranged best friend just because her douche of a boyfriend is going to be there. That would be pretty lame of me.�

“That's why I love you,� I grin, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I thought you loved me for my stunning good looks.�

“Well, that too, but your looks won't last forever.�

“Neither will my tolerance for dinner with assholes, so I guess you're pretty much screwed.�

Before I can respond, I'm practically knocked over by my brother Abraham, who is apparently very excited to see me. It has been a while, I haven't seen him since Hanukkah.

“Hi, Abe,� I greet him, my voice muffled since my face is in his shoulder.

“Hey, Tay!� He beams down at me, finally releasing me from his bear hug. He extends a hand to Jake for a manly handshake. “Jake.�

“Abe. How are you?�

“Great! So glad to see you guys. We're over here.� He waves us over to a little table in the corner where the others are already sitting. It's not a very big restaurant to begin with, very small and hipster, but they've clearly tried to find the most inconspicuous place in the joint.

As soon as we approach the table, Leah and Bianca stand up to hug me and Jake, exchanging pleasantries enthusiastically. I can see Justin out of the corner of my eye, looking at us nervously and clearly trying to decide how he should greet us. I haven't spoken to him in four years and he knows that Jake has never been his biggest fan, so it makes sense that he isn't sure how to react to us. Finally he stands up just as Bianca and Leah are sitting down.

“What's up, man?� he says to Jake, extending his hand to him much the same way that Abe did. I bite my lip waiting to see how my boyfriend will respond. I know he won't want to be nice, but he also kind of has to be friendly under the circumstances. I can see the brief struggle in his eyes before he responds.

“Hello,� he finally says tightly. He gives Justin's hand a quick shake before sitting down at one of the two empty seats at the end of the table. I sit down next to him, and Justin doesn't even speak a word to me, he just nods in my direction then returns to his seat on the other side of the table. The others are already too preoccupied in conversation to notice the awkwardness, and for that I am grateful.

The evening actually turns out a bit better than I expect it to. It helps to have my brother around. He's a big talker, very friendly, and still has a good relationship with everyone at the table, so every time the chatter dies down, he's able to get it going again.

“So, how's law school, Taylor?� Leah asks me.

“Crazy,� I reply. “It's hard to even be here right now, honestly, finals are coming up in a few weeks and every second I spend doing something other than studying kind of freaks me out.�

“Oh, I'm sorry.� Bianca actually looks really concerned. “I didn't realize this was such a bad time for you, and I'm asking you to help me plan a wedding! I'm sorry, you don't have to help more if you don't have time, my mom and I can probably handle it.�

“It's okay,� I assure her. “I'll make it work. I want to be able to help you with this.�

I'm a little surprised by how much I actually mean it.

I manage to make it through the entire dinner without talking to Justin at all. I don't know if anyone else notices, I feel like it should be obvious that one entire side of the table is avoiding him, but he's uncharacteristically quiet tonight anyway so no one seems to think anything of it. He's a stark contrast to his fiancée, who is all smiles and excitement about her upcoming wedding. He sames barely able to muster a smile about it. I catch him looking at me several times, but I try not to read into it too much.

We finally all say goodnight, and I am sad to see my family and friends go, but I know I'll see the girl again in a couple of weeks for a wedding shower anyway, so I try to not to get too upset. I'm almost happy about the fact that I'm sad to see Bianca go, and that she seems to feel the same way about me. It's been a long time since we've spent this much time together, and it's nice to finally feel like I have my friend back, if only temporarily, and even though she doesn't quite feel like my best friend again.

* * *

“Nice night out.�

I jump out of my skin, even more so than usual, when Justin approaches me as I'm standing outside the restaurant waiting for Jake to pull the car around. I wasn't expecting him to come out here, he and Bianca had stayed inside for another drink or two when the rest of us left, and more so I wasn't expecting him to talk to me after his silence all night.

“Yep,� I say shortly.

He pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and I frown at him.

“When did you start smoking?�

He shrugs. “I have on and off for a while. I just try not to make too much of a habit of it.�

“Hmm.�

I fold my arms and turn back away from him. The silence between us is uncomfortable, but I don't really have anything to say to him. What do you say to a person after four years? I could barely even remember the last conversation we'd had, but I'm sure it wasn't a pleasant one.

“So you still hate me? After all this time?� he finally asks.

“No,� I reply with a roll of my eyes. “I don't waste energy on hating you anymore. I don't see the point.�

“Ouch. I'm not even worth hating, that kind of hurts.�

“Why should it? You got the girl you wanted regardless of what it did to anyone else, you're marrying her, what does it matter to you what I think?�

“Nobody likes to be shut out, Taylor.�

“Yeah? Well, I think it's about time you get over it,� I snap. “Good night.�

With perfect, beautiful timing, Jake pulls up and I don't give Justin time to respond before getting into the car and pulling away.

“I can't believe that creep,� Jake spits as soon as we pull away. “What, was he just waiting until I wasn't around to come talk to you? What did he say?�

“Nothing.� I shrug.

“Nothing? Come on, Taylor, he had to have had something to say. He waited all night to get you alone so he could say it.�

I roll my eyes. “I don't think he had some grand scheme to get me alone to talk to me. He came out to smoke, I happened to be standing there waiting for you, it just happened.�

“Since when does he smoke?�

“What does it matter?� I snap, but I immediately sigh afterwards. “Why do I feel like we're fighting? I don't want to be fighting.�

“Then why don't you tell me what he said?�

“Because, he didn't say anything! He said it was a nice night and asked why I still hate him after all these years, that's it.�

“That's not nothing,� Jake mutters. I know he doesn't trust Justin, and I don't blame him, but I feel like I'm being accused of something here, and I don't really appreciate it.

There's a long, tense silence before he says anything else. “If Justin hadn't chosen Bianca...if he'd wanted to be with you instead all of those years ago...do you think it would be you making those wedding plans with him right now?� he finally asks. He sounds odd. Insecure. Jake is rarely insecure.

I realize for the first time in a long time that he is jealous of Justin. He thinks he was my consolation prize, not my first choice. To be honest, I don't know the answer to that. I don't know what would have happened if Justin had wanted to be with me, if he hadn't gone back to Bianca. I don't know if I ever would have chosen Jake over him.

“Honestly?� I ask him. He nods. “I really don't know. But I can tell you that I'm glad that didn't happen, because I definitely got the better man.�

I rub his arm in what I hope is a reassuring manner and I see him smile a little bit.

“Should I believe you?� he asks.

“Doesn't matter,� I shrug. “It's the truth. Justin not wanting to be with me is the best thing that ever happened to me. It led me to you.�

Part Three – For the Girl Who Has Everything

I hate being cliché, but sometimes life just is cliché and there's nothing you can do about it. I am sitting here staring at my computer screen, waiting for Leah to be ready to go shopping with me, and all I can think is, “What do you get for someone who already has everything?� That is how I feel trying to decide what to get Bianca for her bridal shower. I can't afford a single thing on her registry, and anything I can afford, I'm pretty sure they already have. I have never felt so stressed out about buying a present in my life.

“Ready?� Leah appears behind me to ask.

“Yeah, I guess,� I sigh. I bite my lip and close my laptop before standing to look at her. “Did you and Abe decide what you're getting them?�

“I have no idea, Abe's in charge of the presents,� Leah laughs. “I mean, I trust him with it 'cause he knows both Justin and Bianca better than I do, and this way I don't have to deal with it.�

“That must be nice.�

“It is.�

We're both silent as we grab our coats out of the closet and head out the door. We've only got about two weeks left until the wedding, and they promise to be a crazy couple of weeks. This weekend is the bridal shower, the following is the bachelorette party, and then we have the rehearsal dinner and wedding itself a few days after that. I can only thank God that finals are over or else I would probably be dying of exhaustion by now.

Justin and Bianca have put the Abe, Jake, Leah and I up in the nicest suite I've ever seen in my life so that Abe and I, as the best man and maid of honor, can be around for the final planning and all the events leading up to the wedding. I have to say, one of the nicest parts about this has been having Leah around. I'm pretty lucky that my brother married a woman who truly is the sister I always wished I had. I love hanging out with her.

When we get to the lobby of the hotel, we both stop, realizing that we haven't actually decided on a shopping destination.

“So where do you want to go?� Leah asks, since I'm the one who still needs to buy a present.

“I have no idea,� I respond honestly, sinking down onto one of the couches in the lobby. “I feel like such a dumbass. I'm the maid of honor and I don't even know what to get the bride. How ridiculous is that?�

Leah smiles and sits down next to me. “Nothing on the registry struck your fancy?�

“Yeah, right,� I scoff. “Cause I can afford to spend $1,000 on a coffee maker. None of that stuff even looks remotely like the Bianca I knew. And I don't know, I mean...I guess I don't know her very well anymore if that's the kind of stuff she wants.�

It's not like this comes as a shock. I knew this the second I walked into that dress shop a few weeks ago and saw what my friend had become. On some level, she's still the girl I was friends with so long ago. She still has the same sense of humor, she's still passionate and friendly, but she's so much more...normal than she used to be. We both grew up, I guess, but I didn't get normal like her. I don't know how to shop for someone like that.

“Okay, then don't try to buy for the Bianca you see now. Buy something for the Bianca you knew then. You knew her really well, right? What would you get for that girl if she were getting married?�

It's good advice, but I'm still not sure. “I don't know. It was so long ago...�

“It wasn't that long ago, Grandma,� Leah laughs. “It's been a few years, sure, but I'm sure if you think really hard you can figure out what you would have gotten Bianca if this wedding happened back when you guys were still really close.�

I frown, trying to think of something. She's right, it wasn't that long ago. I think back to my friend Bianca, with her nose ring, and her ripped jeans, and the blue streaks in her hair and wonder what would I have given her if she had gotten married then. Probably a smack upside the head 'cause neither of us was even close to being ready for marriage back then...and then it hits me.

“Okay,� I say, standing up. Leah follows suit. “I know where we're going.�

* * *

Twenty minutes later, we get out of a cab in front of a small antique shop that Bianca and I stumbled upon one weekend when we first moved to New York. I guess I use the term antique shop loosely...vintage novelty shop might be more the correct term. It's been years since I've been here, but in the past they've had everything from 19th century furniture, to random knick knacks and paintings, to framed autographed photos of classic rock stars. Bianca always loved the place, and dragged me back on several occasions. She said it was like going treasure hunting. I hope I can find something good for her here.

Leah grins at me as we walk into the shop and take a quick survey of the vast array of options. The place is cluttered and nearly impossible to navigate, exactly how I remember it.

“This place is awesome,� she comments. “See, Taylor? I knew you'd think of something unique for them.�

“Yeah, well, we'll see if I can actually find anything,� I reply with a laugh as we head towards one corner of the store and start looking through everything. I have a feeling it could take me an hour to find even one viable option in here.

“You will.�

“You have entirely too much confidence in me.�

“No, I have exactly the right amount of confidence!� Leah laughs. “You don't have enough.�

“We'll see.�

“Yes we will.�

The search soon becomes intense and silent aside from the occasional, “what do you think of this?� question when one of us comes across something mildly interesting. Leah finds a really old piggy bank and tells me that she thinks she might get it so she can save money and not have to listen to Abe whine at her whenever she wants to buy a new pair of shoes.

“That sounds like it'll be great for your marriage,� I respond dryly, but I can't help laughing.

“Hey, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.� She gives me a wink. “It's not like I spend money we don't have, he just doesn't seem to understand the concept of fashion.�

“Abraham? Yeah, that was never his strong point,� I laugh.

Leah agrees with an exaggerated sigh. “Good thing he's so damn sexy.�

“Hey, that's my brother you're talking about. Keep comments like that to yourself!�

She laughs. “Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your poor virgin ears. At least I'm not the one 'living in sin.'�

“Oh God, is my mother still saying that?�

“Yes she is. Don't worry, I'm on your side, I've tried explaining the 21st century to her on your behalf, but she doesn't seem to get it.�

“Well, I appreciate the effort.�

We both laugh, looking through a pile of picture frames. There are actually several really nice ones, so I put them to the side in case I want them later.

“Can I ask you a personal question?� Leah asks me, holding up a purple picture frame with pink polka dots and giving me an inquisitive look.

I shake my head in response to the frame. “Sure.�

“You and Justin...you don't really talk. At all,� she says.

I feel my breath catch in my throat a little bit, and for a minute I'm not sure how to respond. We've obviously had a few more encounters with Justin since that first dinner, and I have successfully avoided talking to him at all of them. I was kind of hoping no one had noticed.

“That's not a question,� I finally respond.

“Why?�

“Because it doesn't end with a question mark?�

Leah laughs. “I mean, why don't you guys talk?�

“I don't know,� I lie with a shrug. “I guess we just don't have much reason to. He's Abe's best friend, not mine.�

When I look over at Leah, I see that she is looking at my intently, obviously not buying my nonchalant response. This is maybe one of the downsides of having a sister-in-law who kind of gets me. She can tell there's more to the story than I am telling her.

“You don't like him?� she asks. “I've always found him to be very charming and a lot of fun.�

“He's fine,� I reply. I start walking away to look at some furniture on the other side of the store, but Leah follows me. She is nothing if not persistent. Abe has told me he likes that about her. Right now, I can't say I agree.

“He can't keep his eyes off you most of the time,� she comments.

“That's ridiculous.� I avoid eye contact with her, because I know she's right. It has not escaped my notice that despite the fact we don't speak, Justin rarely gets through a night without staring at me at least once. I have been trying to ignore it, but it is true.

“I agree. He's getting married in two weeks, he has no business ogling his best friend's little sister. But that doesn't seem to be stopping him.�

I finally look at her and sigh. She's still giving me that intent stare, like staring hard enough will force me to tell her whatever it is she thinks she needs to hear.

“What do you want me to say to that?� I concede.

“Nothing in particular. I just wonder if maybe there's something going on you'd like to confide in someone.�

“No, of course nothing's going on.� I immediately start to feel defensive. Is she accusing me of something? “I have a boyfriend whom I love very much and I would never-�

“No, sweetie, that's not what I meant. I don't think you're cheating on Jake or anything,� she cuts me off quickly, rubbing my arm sympathetically. “I just...there's this tension between you guys, and Abe seems oblivious but it's so obvious to me, and I guess...I was just wondering what happened, you know? I can see something happened, and whatever it was, that can't be easy for you, you know? Being around him, being in his wedding, I don't know...I just thought maybe whatever it is you might want to tell someone. That's all. I'm not accusing you, I'm sorry if it seemed like I was.�

“Nothing happened,� I mumble.

“Okay. Okay, that's fine, my mistake then. I'm sorry. Let's just keep looking for this present, I have a feeling we're really close.� She puts her arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. I know she's probably not convinced, but I appreciate that she has the decency to drop the subject.

* * *

When I arrive at Bianca's apartment on Saturday to set up for the shower, I'm more than a little surprised that it's Justin who answers the door. I was always under the impression that the groom was supposed to be far, far away during all of these girly pre-wedding events.

“What are you doing here?� I greet him.

“Oh, um...Bianca had to go out, so she asked me to stick around and let you in when you got here. Don't worry, I'll be gone before the festivities start.�

It's always been weird to be to see Justin feeling awkward and uncomfortable, since it's such a strong contrast to his usual, overly confident self. But here he stands, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with me, and he is clearly very uncomfortable. I don't know why. He knew I was coming, he had time to prepare himself. I, on the other hand, had no idea I was about to be face to face with him without the option to ignore him.

He opens the door fully and gestures me, in but I just stand in the hallway, arms full of decorations and my gift and I don't even remember what else, not even able to move.

“Is anyone else here?� I ask.

“Nope, just me for now. Bianca and Marie should be back soon though,� he replies. I still don't budge, and he gives me a nervous chuckle. “You can come in. I'm not going to bite you.�

I roll my eyes and walk past him, deciding to go with my previous strategy of just not talking to him. Just because there's no one else here doesn't mean I have to speak to him. He shuts the door and sits back down on the couch, watching some inane sport.

I start to decorate the living room, putting up the flowers and disgusting pastel and white streamers that Bianca wanted. They're tacky, to say the least, which surprises me because Bianca is never tacky. I can only hope she wanted them for reasons of irony.

“So what are you girls planning to do for the bachelorette party next weekend?� Justin breaks the silence to ask me. “Nothing too crazy, I hope.�

“I'm pretty sure that's none of your business,� I reply shortly.

“How is it none of my business to know what kind of debauchery my fiancée will be getting herself into?�

“Debauchery? Really?� I narrow my eyes at him and place a hand on my hip, more than a little annoyed that he's speaking to me, and that he chose this topic to open the conversation with.

“Yeah, isn't that what bachelorette parties are about? Isn't that kind of the point?�

“What are you doing for your bachelor party, then? Having sex with strippers?� I retort.

“I don't know, Abe won't tell me,� he replies with a shrug and I glare at him. “I mean, no, of course I'm not gonna be having sex with anyone, but I don't know what he has planned.�

“Well, you also are not going to know what I have planned.�

I whip back around to continue by decorating, hair swishing behind me forcefully.

“Okay, sorry. Didn't mean to offend you. Just trying to make conversation,� he mumbles.

“Well, don't.�

“What is your problem, Taylor?�

I spin back around to face him, and find that he has stood up off the couch and is much closer to me than he was before. I step back a little, startled by how close he is.

“You are my problem. I've made it pretty clear that I don't want to talk to you, Justin. The only reason I am here and involved in this wedding at all is because I love Bianca and I didn't want to say no to her. She was my best friend.�

“And that's all my fault, right?� he spits angrily. “It's all my fault she was your best friend, because I made a mistake and kissed you in a moment of weakness four years ago. It couldn't possibly be your fault too, because you kissed me back, or her fault because she overreacted to the situation. I'm the bad guy, right?�

“Yes, it's your fault,� I reply stubbornly, although now that he puts it that way, it does sound kind of unfair.

“That's bullshit, Taylor. You were there too, you know. You kissed me, too.�

He's kind of up in my face now. I don't really appreciate it, but I don't really have anywhere else to step back to anymore. We're both kind of almost up against the wall at this point.

“Yeah, but I felt bad about it afterwards! I knew what I did was wrong, I didn't just walk around acting like nothing happened and everything was great and no one else's feelings mattered!�

“Is that what you think? That I didn't think anyone else's feelings mattered?�

“That's sure how it seemed.�

“Of course your feelings mattered, and her feelings mattered. You don't think I tortured myself for weeks about whether to tell her? You don't think I've felt guilty forever for causing a rift between you guys? You don't think I've spent the past four years trying to make up to her for one little mistake?�

I'm silent. I don't know what else to say. I honestly never did think he felt any of those things. He always just pretended like nothing happened. I always assumed he didn't care.

He's looking at me and waiting for a response, but I can't give it. We're just standing here bizarrely close, this random burst of anger still hanging in the air between us.

“I'm sorry, I-� I begin, but then I hear keys in the door and I can't finish my sentence.

He steps away from me as Bianca practically bounces through the door and throws her arms around him, planting a kiss on his lips.

“Hey baby,� he greets her with a smile, but I can see him glance at me out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey yourself,� she grins. “Now get out of here, we have a wedding shower to throw.�

“Okay, okay,� he laughs, holding his hands up in defeat. “I'm going. Have fun, babe, I'll see you later.�

He glances at me one more time, but doesn't say a word and just heads towards the door and leaves. I don't have anymore time to think about it, because Bianca is talking non-stop about wedding plans and all I have the energy to think about is her and what she's saying.

“I love these streamers,� she says. “They are ridiculous, which is totally what I was going for. Do you think anyone will get that, or will they just think I'm super tacky?�

“I got it,� I reply, forcing a smile.

“Good. At least I've got you then!�

Part Four – Oops I Did it Again

“Having fun?�

I narrow my eyes slightly as Leah sits down next to me, trying to decide what the best response to this question would be. I don't know if “fun� is the word I would use. I'm stuck at a party, wearing a dress I'm not entirely comfortable in, mostly surrounded by people I'm not exactly comfortable with, and my boyfriend isn't here because he got called back to Boston to do a last minute interview for an internship next semester. The party is a combined “thank you� for the bridal party and “welcome� to the family members on both sides, and it seems kind of unnecessary to me. That's what the rehearsal dinner is supposed to be for, right? The food's good at least, and Leah and Abe are here, but am I having fun? Not really.

“I guess,� I finally reply.

“So that's a 'no,' then, “ Leah laughs. She gives me a sympathetic smile and nudges me a little. “I know this party isn't exactly you're style, but maybe you should try to mingle a little bit more? Some of Bianca's cousins are actually really interesting. Her mom has a sister who's kind of a hippie and named all of her kids after the elements. But, you know, somewhat creatively. She at least used different languages.�

I can't help laughing at this. “Oh yeah, Bianca used to tell me about them. Her aunt's the black sheep of the family, and she was never able to hang out with the cousins. It's funny that they're even here.�

“You should talk to Fuego, he's an environmental lawyer. Interesting guy.�

Leah points to a tall man with long blond hair pulled into a ponytail talking to Justin on the opposite side of the room. It figures Justin would gravitate to the element cousins.

I haven't spoken to Justin since our run in before Bianca's shower. Part of me does want to talk to him. Now that the ice has been broken, it feels weird to avoid him. And I've been thinking a lot about what he said. Maybe I have been too harsh on him all these years. Maybe he cared more than I gave him credit for. Then again, maybe not.

“I miss Jake,� I say, out of the blue for both Leah and myself.

“I know, sweetie.� Leah squeezes my arm sympathetically. “But he'll be back before you know it. He'll be back for the wedding, right?�

“Yeah, he will. But still...it sucks not having him when I have to go to stuff like this.�

“I know what you mean. Well, we've got the bachelorette party in a couple of hours, right? And he wouldn't have been there for that anyway. And you'll get to hang out with Abe at the rehearsal tomorrow since he's the best man, and then Jake will be back. So you really don't have to weather much more without him.�

“That is true. And I'm taking you guys to an old familiar place for the bachelorette party, so at least I'll be more in my comfort zone.�

“Ooh, where are we going?�

“I can't tell you, it's a surprise!� I grin mischievously. I actually do like this whole getting to plan surprises part of being the maid of honor. It's pretty fun.

“Fine,� Leah sighs.

“There you are!� Abe exclaims, hurrying up to me and Leah with a slightly panicked look on his face. “I finally escaped one of the element cousins. She wouldn't stop talking, I didn't know what to do. How could you leave me alone like that?�

“Sorry.� Leah's response is half laugh, half grimace. “Was it Terra? She seemed very chatty.�

“I don't know, they all look the same to me. I can hardly take this anymore, these people are all too stuffy or completely insane.�

“I thought completely insane was your kind of people?� I ask with a grin as Abe loosens his tie as violently as if his life depends on it.

“To a point, yeah,� he agrees. “But some of these people are a little too much. I think I'm gonna try to get the guys out of here soon. When are you girls planning to leave?�

I glance at my watch. It's about 8:30 now, and I was hoping to be gone by 9:00. At this point I'm not sure that's going to happen, as I can see Bianca is having a grand old time, laughing it up with some of her old college friends.

“I'm hoping to be gone in like a half hour if possible. But there's really no telling for sure.�

“Okay, well, if you can get Bianca out of here, then I'll start working on Justin too.�

“Aw, honey, this is our song!� Leah interrupts, her eyes tearing up a little as Vonda Shepard's version of “For Once in My Life� comes on over the sound system.

I'm a little weirded out that anyone still owns any Vonda Shepard music, but I keep my mouth shut as Leah drags my brother off to dance with her. There is no dance floor at this party, mind you, but that is a minor detail that would never stop my family from doing what they want. I like that about them.

I can't help grinning like an idiot as I watch Leah and Abe dance in the biggest space they could find to do so. People are looking at them but they barely even notice as he whispers something to her and pulls her closer while she laughs. I love watching them, but my hear hurts a little at the same time. I miss Jake.

As if on cue, my cell phone starts vibrating and when I check the caller ID, it's Jake. My heart hurts a little less and I stand up so I can talk to him outside where there isn't so much noise.

“I was just thinking about you,� I answer the phone as I step out into the cold December air, struggling to pull my coat on with my free hand.

“It's 'cause I'm so dreamy,� Jake responds without missing a beat.

“Yes, that is exactly why,� I laugh. “What's up? How'd your interview go?�

“Really, really well. I think I'll probably get it.�

I can hear the happiness in his voice. It's almost as if his grin can travel over the phone and it warms me up a little bit in the freezing night that I have unwisely chosen to step into.

“That's great, baby. I'm glad to hear it.�

“How are things going there?�

“Oh, they're okay,� I sigh, leaning against the wall of the restaurant. “I'm kind of over this party and I really miss you. But the girls and I are going to go start the bachelorette party soon, so that should be fun.�

“I'm sorry. I miss you too. I'll be back by the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night though,� he assures me. “And you'll have a good time tonight. Just get them all really drunk and take pictures for blackmail. That's what bachelorette parties are all about.�

I laugh. “How would you know what bachelorette parties are all about?�

“Well, I just assumed I guess. That's what bachelor parties are about as far as I'm concerned.� I can picture him shrugging, sitting on the couch in our living room, a fire roaring in the fireplace and whatever book he's currently reading sitting on the coffee table in front of him. Only two more days and I get to be there again too.

“Well I will certainly keep it in mind. I better get back inside though. It's freezing out here and I need to get the girls out of this party soon so we can get to the bar. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you.�

“I love you too, babe. Have fun tonight.�

“I'll try.�

I practically throw myself back through the door, trying to escape the cold as quickly as possible after I hang up. Naturally, I throw myself right into something hard, dropping my phone in the process. I groan in protest and it isn't until that something hard speaks I realize it's a person.

“Sorry. Are you okay?�

I look up from where I am now knelt on the floor picking up my phone to realize that I have just hurled myself into one Justin Timberlake. Of course. Who else would it be? This is my life.

“I'm fine,� I grumble. “Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.�

“Clearly,� he chuckles. He forces the smile off his face when I glower up at him. “I mean, it's okay. Not a big deal. Is your phone okay?�

“It's fine,� I sigh, starting to feel like a broken record very quickly. I feel like it's about time to walk away, but we're both standing here awkwardly like neither of us wants to take the first step away. I'm tired of the awkwardness, but I don't want to be rude. Things feel different now. I don't know why, but walking away feels harder.

“Where are you in such a hurry to get to anyway?� I finally ask, since he's clearly not about to say anything.

Justin looks more than a little surprised that I am making any sort of conversation with him, and it takes him a second to compose himself and actually respond.

“Oh, Abe really wants to get the bachelor party going, so he told me to head out because if I'm not here then none of the guys have a reason to stay either. So...that's what I'm doing.�

“Oh. Good.� I nod awkwardly and our mutual discomfort returns as we again stand in silence, neither wanting to be the one to break it first.

“Yeah,� he finally says. “I'm pretty good at taking direction, so...�

I can't help laughing. It feels a little weird to be standing anywhere with Justin laughing at something he says after all this time, but it just comes out. He smiles, obviously put at ease by my laughter.

“Well, that's good,� is all I can think to say as I return his smile. I gesture towards to party and start taking a step back towards it. “I better go start trying to round the girls up. I'll let Abe know that you are following his directions.�

“That would be great. Thank you.�

His smile widens and he gives me a nod before we both turn away and go our separate ways. I literally cannot remember the last time a conversation of ours ended that pleasantly. I almost don't know how to feel about it. I want to feel good about it. It would be nice to not want to break things every time I see him, especially considering the fact that I still have two more days of wedding festivities to get through, but it feels kind of odd.

I shake it off as I walk back into the party and make a beeline for Bianca, who I am glad to see is talking to Leah, and not some family member or friend I don't know. It will be much easier to get her out of here this way. They're laughing about something as I approach, and Bianca waves me over as soon as she sees me.

“Oh my god, Taylor!� she exclaims through her laughter. “Leah is so awesome. You are so lucky that Abe didn't marry someone stupid.�

She has obviously already had quite a bit to drink and we haven't even started the bachelorette party. I am beginning to notice that alcohol tends to bring out the teenage version of Bianca I once knew, so I'm growing to like it.

“I know,� I say simply, smiling at my sister-in-law. “Are you ladies ready to get the festivities rolling?�

“Absolutely!� Leah exclaims with a grin.

Bianca looks hesitant for a moment, glancing over at her mother who is still busy entertaining various members of the Hampton family, but then she waves a hand as if to say, “fuck it,� and nods, grabbing my hand and dragging me towards the door.

“Oh hey, Abe, Justin's outside waiting for you all!� I call to my brother as I get dragged past him and his wife follows behind, grabbing the other bridesmaids as we pass them.

“Awesome! Party time!� he exclaims, and I can see him give me a thumbs up before he disappears from my sight.

* * *

It feels like forever before “party time� is over and Bianca and I are pulling back up to the Plaza in a cab. I honestly don't even know what time it is. We left the bar at last call, but it feels like it's taken us at least an hour or two to get to this point. Leah and I were the only ones who didn't get sloppy drunk, so we split up the responsibility of making sure the other girls got home safe, and the Plaza is my last stop, since it is where both Bianca and I are staying tonight.

She is sleeping next to me in the cab, drooling on herself a little, and I can't help laughing. Since our friendship was put on hold right before party mode kicked in during college, I've never really seen her drunk. I took her to a piano bar – one of my favorite places in college – and she spent the whole evening telling me how awesome I am and how much fun she was having. I have to say, it is something that I don't get tired of hearing after so many years of not talking.

We pull up to the hotel, and I pay the driver before putting great effort into pulling Bianca out of the cab. I don't know how she is balancing on her heels as she leans into me and I walk her up to the door, but she amazingly does not fall.

“Thanks so much, Taylor,� she slurs as I pull the door open with great effort. “Had so much fun tonight. You're the best, I don't know why I ever stopped talking to you.�

“No problem,� I grunt, dragging her towards the elevators.

“You kissed my 'friend,� she clarifies, and I assume she means to say boyfriend. “That's why. But, that sucks, and I sorry, and...I'm glad we're friends 'gain. We are, right?�

“Of course we are,� I tell her reassuringly as we ride the elevator up to her floor. A knot has formed in my stomach. It's the first time she has ever mentioned that kiss to me since she found out. Granted, we were never close after that, but it feels...I don't know, not good, to hear her talk about it.

“Good. 'Cause I love you, always loved you, you know? Just hurt my feelings. Didn' know why you guys would do that to me, you know? 'Cause I loved you guys. I thought you loved me. You know?�

“I know. I'm sorry.�

I start wishing this elevator would go faster, feeling increasingly uncomfortable as she babbles on about the past. This is really the last thing I want to talk about this weekend. Or ever. But she probably won't even remember it in the morning, so I just let her talk.

We finally reach her floor and I get her into her room and onto her bed before she says anything more. Her eyes are closed, and I'm helping her get her shoes off when she speaks again, words still slurring together, but oddly intelligible.

“You think I should marry Justin?� she asks and I stop moving. I thought the discussion about me kissing Justin in college was the last thing I wanted to talk about, but she has now managed to top it.

“If you love him,� I reply with a shrug, sitting next to her on the edge of the bed.

“I do. I doIdo.� She nods. “But you think he loves me?�

“Of course, why else would he ask you to marry him?�

I want to ask her where this is coming from, but she's drunk, and half asleep at this point, and I'm not really sure this is the time to be having this serious conversation. Then again, her wedding is in less than 48 hours. Who knows if we will even have time to have the conversation again?

“Right. You're right,� she agrees.

She rolls over onto her side and it's mere seconds before I hear her snoring. I just sit there for a minute, still feeling a bit stunned by the question. I know it's normal to have doubts before your wedding, but Bianca was never the doubting type. I'm not sure how to react to hearing her ask that question.

When it finally becomes clear that she is out for the evening, I stand up slowly and quietly sneak out of the room, shoes in my hand so as not to make any more noise than possible. I am almost in the elevator and back in my own bed when something stops me. I see a crumpled figure at the other end of the hall, where I know Justin's room is, and as I walk closer to it, I can see that it's him – slumped against the wall, eyes half closed.

“Justin,� I whisper, kneeling down next to him and giving him a little shake. His breath reeks of alcohol and I can't help wondering where my brother is. Isn't it the best man's job to make sure the groom doesn't die of alcohol poisoning or something? He doesn't respond, so I say his name a little louder. “Justin. Are you okay?�

He finally opens his eyes and looks at me. A smile spreads across his features when he registers who I am. “Heeeeey, Taylor.�

“Hey,� I respond with a small smile of my own. “What are you doing here? Where's Abe?�

Justin looks around, taking in his surroundings, and he frowns and shakes his head. “Don't know. Don't remember.�

“Okay,� I say slowly, biting my lip. “Where's your room? Do you know which room is yours?�

“Uhhhh...�

“Awesome. Great.� I reach in my purse for my phone to call Abe, but as I stand up to make the phone call, Justin grabs my wrist and pulls me down with what I can only assume is more force that he intended, because I fall onto him unceremoniously, hair falling into my face.

“Sorry,� he chuckles, brushing my hair out of my face and looking into my eyes. “Don't go.�

I open my mouth to respond, not liking where this is going, but he interrupts me.

“So pretty,� he says quietly, staring at me so intensely that it makes me really uncomfortable.

“Okay,� is all I can say, as I move to get up again, but he holds me where I am, pressed up against him, probably giving him a great view down the front of my top. Fortunately, I guess, he is still staring into my eyes and not at my boobs.

“I miss you.�

It's barely more than a whisper, but there's no mistaking that's what he said, and now my head goes into full on panic mode. I try to pull away again, but the next thing I know, his lips are on mine and while I can't say this about the time I kissed him in college, I can genuinely say that this time it is all him. Of course, his lips are nice and it feels good, so my body's natural reaction is to respond and return the kiss, but the second my brain registers what is actually happening, I use all of my strength to push myself away and stand up.

“Sorry,� I hear him mumble, but I don't respond, reaching back into my purse to find my phone.

Part Five – Speak Now Or...

It seems like forever before my brother finally shows up. Justin is passed out on the floor about 30 seconds after I stand up to call Abe, so I'm just standing there fidgeting, and waiting for him to show up. I run the events of the last few minutes over and over in my head, and I all I can do is just mutter profanities to myself again and again.

Finally, the elevator doors slide open and Abe is next to us in two long strides. He kneels down next to Justin, and without a word, pulls him up to a standing position and starts fishing through his pockets for his key card.

“What the hell?� I whisper harshly, trying to keep my voice down for the sake of the other guests on the floor, but express my exasperation at the same time. “Where have you been?�

“It's a long story,� Abe says, and I can tell he's exhausted by the tone of his voice. “I'll explain it to you later. Aha!�

He finally finds the key card, and looking behind us, realizes that we are standing right in front of the door. Part of me wonders why I didn't think of this in the first place and just get Justin to bed myself, but given the circumstances, I have to say that I am glad I kept my distance.

Abe unlocks the door and helps Justin into the room. I just stand in the doorway awkwardly, not really knowing what else to do as I watch my brother help him into bed the way I did with Bianca not too long ago. Just as he's about to leave Justin's bedside, I hear Justin say something, and Abe turns to look at him abruptly.

“What?� Abe asks, sounding surprised at whatever it is he thinks he just heard Justin say.

“Tay. So pretty. And her lips taste so good.�

He says it all in his mumbled drunken way, but it's loud enough that I can hear it from the doorway and I freeze as Abe turns to look at me in shock, and then back at Justin.

“Okay, buddy,� is all he says. “Go to sleep. I'm gonna go now.�

“'Kay,� Justin mumbles.

Abraham walks away silently, grabbing my arm as he passes me and pulls me out of the room. He doesn't say a word, but it's that deathly kind of silence that I grew used to from my father as a child. It's that kind of silence where you almost wish he'd just start yelling at you instead, because you know he's not saying anything because he's so mad he doesn't know what to say.

He remains quiet as we ride the elevator two floors to where our rooms are located, and as we get off he follows me to me my room, and stands there with his arms folded until I open the door and let him come in with me. It isn't until the door is safely closed behind us that he says anything, and when he does, I'm more than a little thrown by how calm he sounds.

“Do you want to explain to me why Justin knows how your lips taste?�

No. No I don't.

“He's drunk, he doesn't know what he's saying,� is all I can think to say in response. I can tell by the look on my brother's face that he is not convinced. He just frowns and raises an eyebrow at me.

“Really, Taylor?� he says in that tone that clearly asks, “Do you seriously think I am that stupid?�

I do not seriously think he's that stupid, but a girl can hope.

“Well, yeah. He really is drunk. You saw the guy. What did you guys do tonight anyway?�

I am well aware that the “changing the subject� tactic is unlikely to work in this situation, but like I said, a girl can hope. Right?

Abe sits down on my bed wearily, and I can see his exhaustion in his face. I'm exhausted too. A glance at the clock tells me that it is nearly 4 am and I have a feeling neither of us are going to get any sleep until he feels like all of his questions are sufficiently answered.

“Come on, Taylor. The more you avoid the question, the more convinced I am that you're hiding something. Will you just tell me what is going on, please?�

“Fine,� I sigh, sinking down next to him on the bed. “Didn't you ever wonder why Bianca and I stopped talking in college?�

“Not really.� He shrugs. “I guess I always just assumed you grew apart. That happens a lot when people get older.�

I literally cannot stop myself from rolling my eyes at him. Men. So oblivious. “Yeah, but...it was Bianca and me. Did you really think we were the grow apart type of friendship? She was literally my only friend in the world for most of my childhood.�

“Okay,� he concedes slowly. “So why did you stop talking then?�

“It's kind of a long story, but there was a time when she and Justin were on a break, and he and I...well...we kind of kissed a couple of times, but it wasn't that big of a deal, he got back together with her and then she found out and...well, she found out because I told her, but...I don't know, it all just kind of blew up in my face. So...yeah. That's what happened.�

“Okay. And that's it?�

“That's not enough?�

“No, it's plenty. But that was four years ago, and Justin has never given me any indication that he has feelings for you, or wants you, or that he even has eyes for anyone other than Bianca. So, I guess I just wonder why he would say it now, unless something else has happened?� Abe finishes with a shrug, like this is the most natural conversation he's ever had. It's weird.

I mimic his shrug, really not wanting to admit to him what happened tonight, but feeling like I don't really have much of a choice at this point.

“He was drunk,� I reiterate. “People say a lot of weird things when they're drunk.�

He gives me that look again, silently telling me that he is sick of my shenanigans and I need to just tell him the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. I silently thank my lucky stars that I will never be up against my brother in court, because if I were, I would lose. Badly.

“Fine,� I sigh in defeat. “I really don't know what's going on with him. College really was the last time anything happened between us, and I got together with Jake shortly after and Justin and I, well...I don't know if you've noticed, but we haven't exactly been friendly the last few years. But, I don't know, when I found him in the hall tonight, he...he tried to kiss me.�

I say the last few words as quickly as possible, part of me hoping that if I say them fast enough, Abe won't really hear them or understand them. No such luck.

“Tried?� he repeats, skeptically. I hate him a little bit right now, I'm not gonna lie.

“Well...he did. But I pushed him away as quickly as I could, and then I called you to come help me. That's it. That's everything, I swear.�

Abraham just sits quietly, taking in what I've told him and all that he's heard tonight, a thoughtful expression on his face. I catch myself holding my breath waiting for him to respond. There is a very good reason I've never told my brother any of this before now. He was always the kind of brother who would cut any guy who hurt his little sister, and I didn't want to be responsible for him murdering his best friend. It seems like ages before he says anything.

“Okay,� is all he finally chooses to say, and then he stands up and walks towards the door. I am too dumbfounded to respond. “'Night, Tay. I'll see you tomorrow.�

Before I know it he's gone, and I am sitting alone on my bed, tired beyond all belief, but too confused by what just happened to fall asleep.

* * *

I don't get more than a few hours of sleep that night. Every time I manage to fall asleep I have some sort of nightmare related to the events of the evening: I'm watching Abe beat Justin up and I can't stop him no matter how hard I try, I'm at Bianca's wedding and Justin doesn't show up and she blames me, I'm in a room making out with Justin and Jake walks in and finds us and dumps me on the spot. It's kind of like torture, and I wake up every time one of my dreams finishes. Around 10 am, I finally give up on sleeping and drag myself out of bed and into the shower. I have a vague memory of Bianca telling me that we have an 11 am pedicure appointment today anyway.

Just as I'm getting out of the shower, I hear a knock on the door. I wrap a towel around myself and hurry to look through the peephole. I see Leahs' brown eyes gazing back at me, and I am grateful that it's her and not Bianca. Or Justin. Or Abe. I open the door and she immediately offers me a Starbucks cup.

“Triple grande nonfat caramel macchiato,� she says. “Right?�

“Oh my god, yes,� I breathe. Nothing has ever sounded to so good to me as that does right now. I need caffeine. “Thank you so much. Come on in, I'm just gonna go throw some clothes on.�

I leave the bathroom door slightly ajar so that I can still hear Leah as I slip in to get dressed.

“Did you get home okay last night?� I ask her as I pull on a pair of jeans.

“Yeah, I did. It was a little bit of an adventure trying to figure out where the hell Shannon actually lives when she kept falling asleep, but once I got her home it was smooth sailing from there,� Leah laughs.

“That's good,� I chuckle in response. I throw on a sweater over the black tank top I'm wearing and emerge back into the main part of the room to join her.

“So, Abe told me what happened last night,� Leah ventures as I settle next to her on my bed and take a much needed sip of my coffee. It doesn't surprise me that he told her. They are married after all. But I was hoping that this would not be the subject of my first conversation of the day today. I appreciate the fact that she doesn't wait for me to respond and rather just asks, “Are you okay?�

“I guess,� I shrug. “I don't know, I mean...I guess I had sort of hoped that time in my life where I had to deal with what happened with Justin was over, and it was. That's what I get for letting him in again I guess. Give him an inch and he takes a mile.�

Leah doesn't say anything in response. She just nods, gives me a sympathetic smile, and rubs my back lightly. I knew there was a reason I liked her.

“How did Abe seem when he told you?� I ask. Maybe he saved his anger for venting to his wife after he left my room.

“Weirdly calm.� Or maybe not. “It almost worried me a little.�

“Right?!� I exclaim, glad that there is someone who can understand where I'm coming from on this subject. “He didn't raise his voice or anything. He just said, 'okay,' and left. Do you think I should be worried?�

“I'm not sure yet,� Leah sighs. “You know, sometimes he's quiet just because he's thinking things over. And I think if you had told him the first time you and Justin kissed, he probably would have punched him out, but...the guy's getting married tomorrow. I'm not sure Abe knows how to handle it. He doesn't know if he should say something or just consider last night a drunken indiscretion and keep his mouth shut.�

“Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.� I frown and furrow my brow, thinking this over. To be honest, I'm not totally convinced. There's a big part of me that is still expecting Abe to explode at any moment, and I'm a little worried about when that moment will come. I guess I can only hope.

“Anyway,� Leah segues, rubbing my arm sympathetically. “We should go see if we can get Bianca going. I brought her her skinny vanilla latte just before I came over her and she wasn't even dressed yet. We don't have that long to get the two of you down to the spa.�

I reach over and pull her in for a hug. I don't expect it to be a long one, but the moment she's hugging me back I realize how much I need this. I need a friend, a sister, to just hug me and tell me it will be okay. I give her a squeeze and whisper, “Thanks, Leah.�

She smiles as I pull back. “For what?�

“For everything. For helping make everything that needs to happen happen even though you're not even in the bridal party.�

“Well, I'm the best man's wife, so I'm sort of part of the bridal party by marriage,� she laughs. “And anyway, what else am I going to do with myself?�

“I know, but...I just want you to know I appreciate it. And I appreciate you being here for me too. You know, on a more personal level.�

“That's what sisters are for,� she tells me with a wink. “And I know that this all can't be easy for you, and I just want you to know that whatever happens in the next couple of days, I'm here for you. If you need to pull me aside for a talk or a hug or whatever, don't hesitate.�

“Cool. I won't.�

“Good.� She stands up and offers a hand to help pull me up off the bed as well. “Now let's go get Bianca and get you girls some pretty toes.�

* * *

I have never in my life seen Bianca Hampton looking as awful as she does this morning. She is still beautiful, of course, because Bianca's the kind of girl who couldn't be ugly if she tried. But when Leah and I get back to her room, we find her dressed, but laying on her bed face down in the pillows. By the time we get her out of the room and down to the spa, she's awake, but the bags under her eyes and paleness of her skin make it clear that she had a rough night.

“I feel like death,� Bianca groans, leaning nearly all of her weight onto me as we get off the elevator. It's a good thing I've been working out. “Why did you guys let me drink so much last night?�

“Because that's what you do at a bachelorette party?� I offer with a laugh. I'm trying not to force it and to just be natural and normal, but it's not easy. I feel certain that she's going to know something's wrong.

“Yeah, but now I'm going to look like hell at my rehearsal dinner,� she whines.

“Oh, you'll be fine by then,� Leah assures her, running around to her other side to try and take some of the burden off of me. “After your pedicure you can get some rest and we'll make sure your make up looks awesome and by tonight, no one will even know you had a sip of alcohol last night. I promise.�

“Ugh, I won't have time to rest, I have to meet with the caterers one last time, and make sure everything's ready to go tomorrow and-�

“Hey,� I cut her off. “Let Leah and I take care of all that. All you need to do for the next two days is relax and be beautiful and happy.�

“And get married,� Leah points out with a grin. “No big deal.�

“Yeah,� I choke out awkwardly. “And get married.�

Leah gives me a sympathetic, apologetic look. I know she didn't mean to open up a can of worms, but given the fact that I currently have a constant stream of inner dialogue happening about whether or not to tell my friend that her fiance kissed me, told me he misses me, and then proceeded to tell my brother that I'm pretty and my lips taste good two nights before her wedding, I can't say I'm too happy about the constant reminders of said impending nuptials.

Bianca just gives us both a weak smile and nods in response.

“Okay.� Leah slips back out from under Bianca's arm as we approach the spa entrance. “You girls have fun and I will see you in an hour. I'm going to go make sure Abe isn't going crazy with all of his best manly duties.�

She gives us both hugs, pausing to whisper, “good luck,� in my ear and within moments Bianca and I are alone with two nail technicians working on our toes.

It's a strange feeling. Almost awkward. I remember the days when Bianca and I rarely ever had silence between us and even when we did, it was always that comfortable kind of silence. The good kind where you know everything's okay and your friendship is strong enough that you can just be. Even with any improvements we've made during the course of my maid of honorship, we still aren't there again. So for a while, we both just read our magazines and relax. Bianca is the first one to break the silence.

“Taylor?�

She sounds tentative, not usually a word I would use to describe Bianca.

“Yeah?� I look up from my copy of People to find her looking at me with a look I don't recognize. Maybe it's fear? I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it's a look I never saw from 10-years-ago Bianca.

“Do you remember the conversation we had when we got back to my room last night?�

“Yeah,� I reply slowly, a little surprised that she is bringing this up. I honestly didn't think she would remember. Or at least I hoped she wouldn't. “I'm surprised that you do, though.�

“Well, I don't...I mean I do, vaguely, but...that question I asked you. You know, about whether I should marry Justin? You said 'yes' right?�

I look right into her eyes, because I'm still not used to this new Bianca – the one who has all the insecurities and uncertainties. I guess sometimes this is what happens when we grow up and life gets more complicated, but it's a little sad to me in a way. I miss the old Bianca. I miss the fearless girl who brought me out of my shell and spent her whole childhood trying to rid me of my insecurities and uncertainties. It still feels weird being on the other side of this friendship.

“I mean...yeah,� I hesitate a little, not sure what to say now any more than I was last night, probably even more so in light of recent events. And it's a little awkward having this conversation while a stranger massages my feet. “If you love him, then yes, of course you should marry him.�

“Right.�

She nods, biting her lip and we're both silent again for a few minutes. I try to focus back on my brainless magazine, but I can see her out of the side of my eye staring off into space, clearly still thinking about the big question, so I put the magazine back down and look at her.

“Where is this coming from?� I finally ask and her eyes snap back to me. “I mean, are you really doubting? Did something happen?�

“No, no, nothing happened.� She shakes her head vehemently, but I can see tears welling up in her eyes. I grab her hand instinctively. “I love him, I do, and I want to marry him, but...I'm just scared. What if...what if he doesn't love me? What if he leaves? What if-�

“Bianca,� I cut her off, squeezing the life out of her hand in the process. “Justin loves you. He does. You're just scared because you're about to make a huge commitment. It's normal. Everyone gets scared. Don't worry. You're okay. You're good. You're making the right decision.�

I don't know if I'm saying it out of guilt, or if I really mean it, but it all just comes out before I really have time to think about it. Bianca's tears spill over and she reaches over to hug me awkwardly over the arms of our pedicure chairs.

“Ma'am,� one of the technicians says, sounding irritated at the movement.

“Sorry,� Bianca apologizes, moving back to the middle of her chair and wiping her eyes. “You're right, Taylor. Thanks. You're a good friend.�

I just smile and nod. There's a good possibility that I am actually the worst friend ever.

* * *

By the time we get out of the pedicure, I have had another good 45-minutes to ruminate on whether or not I am the world's worst friend for letting Bianca think marrying Justin is a good idea even though he tried to kiss me. I've gone from unsure of what to do, to sure I should tell her, to scared of how she'll react, to just plain pissed off, and I've managed to do it all in complete silence while a woman paints my toes what Bianca considers to be the perfect shade of red.

When Leah meets us outside of the spa, I pull her aside while Bianca pulls out Justin's credit card to pay for the pedicures. I've decided what I need to do.

“Hey, where are the guys?� I ask her urgently.

“Uh, they went back to their rooms I think.� Leah frowns. I know she can see it in my face, that look of determination I learned so well from Bianca by probably the 7th grade. “What's up?�

“I need to go talk to Justin. Will you help Bianca with whatever she needs and tell her I'll meet you guys at the rehearsal?�

“Okay,� Leah agrees hesitantly. “Are you sure this is a good idea?�

“Leah,� I sigh. “My best friend in the world keeps asking me if she should marry this guy and I keep telling her yes. I can't keep doing that in clear conscience until I know for sure what the hell is going on in his little pea brain.�

My sister-in-law doesn't say a word, she just nods and smiles in her understanding way. I mouth a silent “thank you� to her and run towards the elevator as fast as I can.

When I reach Justin's room, I pound on the door a little more loudly than I originally intended. There's no answer so I try again.

“Justin! Open up!�

The moment the words leave my mouth, the door swings open and I am face to face with a shirtless, confused Justin Timberlake.

Part Six – Forever Hold Your Peace

Justin opens his mouth to greet me, but I immediately cut him off. “Can I come in?�

I don’t wait for a response, instead pushing past him into the room, then turning around swiftly to face him as he closes the door. He still looks utterly bewildered at my presence as he mutters a drawn out, “Sure,� in response to my question.

“What is your deal?� I blurt out, getting straight to the point. There is a short silence between us as he clearly struggles to understand what I mean.

“Uhhh…what?� is all he manages to say in response.

“You heard me,� I snap. “What is your deal?�

Justin frowns. “Can you be more…specific?�

It’s all I can do not to just scream at him. I came here fully intending to have an honest, reasonable discussion about what is going on in this man’s stupid head, but now I’m just overwhelmed with anger at his stupid face and the stupid situation and the fact that I have to have this stupid conversation with him in the first place. I take a deep breath in an attempt to curb my anger and exasperation before I speak again.

“What do you remember about last night?� I finally ask, the fact that he is clearly severely hungover reminding me that he may not even remember kissing me.

He frowns again, walking past me to sit down on the bed. “I don’t know? I remember hanging out with the guys. We drank a lot, there were cigars involved.�

“Ew.�

“Why? What’s going on right now?�

“You don’t remember what happened after you got back to the hotel?�

“Not really, no. Why?� he asks again. “Did something bad happen?�

“Yes, something bad happened!� I exclaim, raising my voice unintentionally. “You told me you miss me, tried to kiss me, and then told my fucking brother that I’m pretty and my lips taste good. Does that sound bad to you?�

He grimaces and places a hand to his forehead, though I’m not sure if it’s in response to my yelling or because his has a headache. Probably some combination of the two. “Oh. Shit.�

“Yeah. Shit.�

A silence falls between us briefly and I fold my arms across my chest and just glare at him intently. I’m not sure what else to do, honestly. I have a lot of questions and I want to do a lot of yelling, but I don’t know what good any of that will do. All I want to know is that I’m not a complete moron for convincing Bianca it’s okay to marry this guy. And I’m just not sure anymore. I don’t get him at all. Two days out from the wedding and he pulls this shit, then doesn’t even have the goddamn decency to remember it?

“I’m sorry,� he finally says, softly, and in a tone that does sound genuine but somehow just manages to fill me with rage again.


“Great. You’re sorry. That fixes everything.�
“Well, what else do you want me to say?� he raises his voice back at me. “I was drunk, I don’t remember doing any of that, and I can’t change it. So, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. Jesus.�

“Well, why the fuck did you do it?� I’m yelling again. I can’t help it.

“I don’t know! I don’t remember, okay? Can you stop yelling? My head is killing me!�

“And whose fault is that?�

He stands up now, visibly angry, and walks over to the minibar, pulling out a bottle of water and tearing off the cap with an unnecessary fervor. “Mine. It’s my fault. Is that what you want to hear? Everything is my fault and I ruin everything and I am a terrible human being. Are you happy?�

“Yes, I am terribly happy. My former best friend, who is no longer my best friend because of you is asking me whether I think she should marry you, whether I think you love her, and I have to try to comfort her while your stupid voice plays in my head over and over telling me that I’m pretty and you miss me two nights before your wedding. I am ecstatic. This is my favorite.� My voice is dripping with sarcasm, and I know it’s obnoxious and unhelpful, but I don’t care anymore. I’m tired, physically and emotionally, and I just want…I don’t know what I want, but I want something that isn’t coming and it’s frustrating.

Justin stares at me now, his expression changing from anger to some mix of exhaustion and concern as he falls back onto the bed and takes a swig of his water. When he speaks again, that soft tone is back. “What did she say?�

I sigh, the more reasonable part of me finding its way to the surface as I look at him. He looks miserable, his hair tousled, eyes reflecting how tired he is, and an expression resembling fear etched into his features.

“I think it’s just cold feet,� I say, only half believing it. “She’s worried you don’t love her, or that you’ll leave her or something. And I want to tell her that’s ridiculous, but…I don’t know. Is it ridiculous?�

“Of course!� he exclaims, the defensiveness returning. I just raise my eyebrows at him and he sighs, letting his guard back down and repeating the words with less conviction. “Of course it’s ridiculous.�

I bite my lip and take the few steps it takes until I’m standing next to the bed, then sink down onto it, sitting next to him. “What is your deal?� I repeat my original question.

“What do you mean?� he says again, exasperated.

“Why are we back here again? I know you were drunk, but I feel like…why would you do that? Why would you kiss me?�

“I don’t know. Why would you kiss me?� he retorts.

I narrow my eyes at him immediately. The moment I think he might not be my least favorite person in the world, he always has to go and ruin it. “What, four years ago? Because I was like 19, stupid and insecure and kind of into you.�

“You were into me?�

Of course that would be the part he focuses on. I roll my eyes.

“Of course I was into you. You think I just went around making out with my best friend’s boyfriend without being into him? Are you an idiot?�

“What about now?� He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and I frown.

“What about now?�

“Are you into me now?�

“No! I’m in love with my boyfriend!� I exclaim. “Oh my God, what is wrong with you?�

“I don’t know!� He looks genuinely concerned by the question. “I don’t know, I just…I think about it sometimes, you know? I love Bianca, I do, it’s just…I wasn’t used to you not being in my life. You were Abraham’s sister, you were always there and I didn’t know…I didn’t know how it would feel once you were gone. I guess I said I miss you last night because it’s something that’s been bothering me this whole time. I never liked that I didn’t get to see you anymore after everything that happened.�

I’m a little stunned as this all comes pouring out of him. It’s not what I was expecting to hear. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it never occurred to me that he would be missing me all these years. It’s not like we were so close before we stopped talking. He was just my brother’s best friend. Our relationship was tangential to his relationships with Abraham and Bianca at best. I always liked him and I guess we had our moments but I haven’t exactly felt a loss at him not being in my life. I never thought he would either.

“Well…that’s the choice you made, though,� I finally say. “You chose Bianca. You didn’t choose me. That’s what happened, and it was a long time ago and I don’t get why you’re even still thinking about me at all.�

He looks over at me, looking all movie star tortured and I almost want to laugh, it looks so dramatic. But I hold it in, trying to be sensitive to whatever the hell it is he’s dealing with. “Maybe I made the wrong choice,� he says.

I just shrug non-committally. I vaguely remember a time when I would have been ecstatic to hear him say these things, but now I just feel sad, and a little bit annoyed that this is all coming out right now. And I don’t feel any better about Bianca and the fact that I’ve encouraged her to marry Justin. Justin, who is sitting here looking at me like I’m the one who got away or some shit.

“Maybe you did,� I concede, although I’m not sure I believe it. It wasn’t the wrong choice for me, anyway, as I’ve assured Jake recently. Maybe it was the wrong choice for Justin. But I don’t know. “But it’s made. It’s over. And if you don’t love Bianca, then you need to stop this wedding before everything goes horribly wrong tomorrow. Or I’ll do it for you.�

I’m surprised to hear the words coming out of my mouth. I sort of made the decision as I said it, but as I hear myself saying it, it sounds like the right one. That’s the right thing to do, right? Can I let someone I care about marry a man who is sitting next to me right now telling me he thinks maybe he should have chosen me instead of her?

He just looks at me for a moment, a little sad, a lot dumbfounded, and then before I know it, that motherfucker does it again. He closes the small space between us quicker than I can react and he kisses me. Again.

I immediately push him away, jumping up off the bed instinctively. I guess this is partly my fault. Sitting there was not necessarily my wisest choice.

“What the fuck?� I exclaim.

“I’m sorry,� he spews immediately, standing up. I put a hand on his bare chest to stop him from moving any closer.

“No. What the actual fuck? Why would you do that?�

I drop my hand because I realize that maybe skin to skin contact is not the best choice right now. My mind is reeling. What is even happening? How did we get from me telling him that I’m going to stop his wedding to him kissing me again? What world do I live in right now?

“I’m sorry,� he repeats.

“If you say you’re sorry one more time, I will punch you in the throat. I am not even kidding.�

“Okay! God!�

We’re both silent again as I try to figure out what to do next. Walking away seems like the best choice. But he’s standing here looking at me like a wounded puppy and somehow I feel bad. What? Why do I feel bad? None of this is my fault. None of it. I’ve done my best to do the right thing at every turn ever since the end of that ridiculous debacle four years ago, and somehow I still ended up here. And this is not my fault. It’s his fault, and his fault alone. And yet I still feel bad. What is wrong with me?

“Okay,� I say. “I’m gonna go now. I guess you have a lot to think about. Good luck.�

I turn to walk away and of course he grabs my hand and says, “Taylor, wait.�

“Noooooo, why?� I groan in response, turning around to face him again, my hand still in his. I’m just tired. I don’t know what else to do.

“Just wait,� he repeats softly, gazing down into my eyes intently. Suddenly I feel like I’m 19 again, standing with him in Central Park and getting caught up in the moment. So naturally, before I know it, his lips are on mine again. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m just tired of trying to ward him off or if some small, fucked up part of me wants to, but then I’m kissing him back and it’s getting more and more intense, and my hands are finding their way back to his bare chest and his hands are gripping my ass and things just got a million times worse than they were when I knocked on his door what seems like mere seconds ago.

Part Seven – A Nightmare Before Christmas

You know those moments in life where you end up in a place and it’s as if you’ve just woken up in the middle of a dream with no idea where you are or how you got there? This is one of those moments. Somehow I’ve found myself laying on the bed in Justin’s hotel room with his body draped on top of me, in the midst of a heated, topless make out session. It’s sort of like an out of body experience. Like I can see myself doing what I’m doing, but I don’t feel connected to it. I feel kind of weirdly empty inside. The things he’s doing feel objectively good, but I’m not exactly enjoying it. I’m just kind of there, participating almost on autopilot, until the point where we shift positions so I’m straddling him and he reaches up to unhook my bra. Suddenly, something inside me snaps and I grab his hand.

“Wait,� I say, my voice betraying the small amount of panic I’m feeling inside.

“What?� he asks, breathlessly.

Before I have a chance to respond, there is a brief knock on the door and it flies open before either of us have much time to react. All I have time to do is slide off of Justin, so I’m sitting next to him in my bra and jeans as I come face to face with my brother. I reach blindly for the t shirt I was wearing when I got here, but I’m not sure where it is and my hand just falls unceremoniously on Justin’s chest. I watch Abe’s facial expression change from disbelief to anger and realize that Leah is here too, standing next to him with her mouth agape and eyes wider than I’ve ever seen them.

“What the hell is going on here?�

My brother has abandoned all of the calm, collected, reasonable aspects of his reaction last night and is in full on rage mode as he takes strides from the doorway towards the bed. I glance very briefly at Justin, who looks too shocked to respond to Abe’s question. Acting almost on instinct, I spot my t shirt on the bed, and somehow manage to grab it, pull it over my head and jump off the bed as my brother approaches us.

“Abe,� is all I get a chance to say, stepping in between him and Justin. I’m not exactly happy with the situation myself, but my brother has that murderous look in his eyes and the last thing I need right now is a dead Timberlake on my hands on top of everything else.
My brother glares at me so intensely that I move aside almost more quickly than I would have if he’d physically shoved me.
“You. Out,� he says harshly, pointing at me. Then he directs his attention to Justin. “You. We need to talk.�
Normally I would react to this with anger, as I don’t appreciate being told what to do by my brother as if we’re both children and he’s been left in charge while our parents are away. But I still feel stunned more than anything, and I move towards the door without a word, still feeling completely separate from my own body. It’s like I’m being controlled by some outside force, pushing me along and barring me from speaking.
Leah wraps an arm around me as I pass her and helps guide me out the door into the hall. If anyone has to be here right now, I’m honestly glad it’s her. She is the least judgmental person I know.

We get about halfway down the hall before I stop, realizing I’m not wearing any shoes. I kicked them off in the midst of…whatever the hell just happened, and I just walked out without them.

“I forgot my shoes,� I say to Leah, turning half-heartedly back towards the room. She puts her arm around me again and turns me back towards the elevator, continuing down the hall.

“Don’t worry about it, we’ll get them later.�

We’re in the elevator, riding to the floor where both of our rooms are located before she asks, “Are you okay?�

“I don’t know,� I reply honestly.

She nods, and we don’t speak again until we’re safely in my room with the door closed. We both just stand awkwardly just inside the room for a moment, not speaking. I think she’s waiting for me to initiate, not wanting to push me, particularly after the intensity of my brother’s reaction, but I don’t know what to say.

I’ve said it already I know, but I don’t know how I got here. This is not what I planned or what I wanted in any way, shape, or form.

Finally, Leah seems to realize that if she wants to know anything, she’s going to have to ask. “Do you want to tell me what happened?�

I know she’s being kind phrasing it that way. She just walked in on me, maid of honor, topless in bed with the groom. It’s pretty obvious what happened.

“I don’t know,� I choke out. As I do so, the fog seems to lift, and I dissolve into tears, falling into her arms. She wraps both arms around me intently, resting her hand on my head and pulling me into her warmly. “I-I just wanted to talk to him. I just wanted to figure out whether I should tell Bianca whether she’s right to be worried. I don’t know what happened…he just kept kissing me…�

It sounds stupid to me when I hear myself say it. I’m not helpless or weak. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I don’t know that “he just kept kissing me� is a reasonable excuse.

“Did he…� Leah’s voice trails off, hesitant to ask, “He didn’t force himself on you, did he?�

“No,� I respond immediately, pulling away from her slightly, surprised at the question. “No.� He didn’t. I mean…he wouldn’t exactly take no for an answer, and I didn’t really want it, but…I could have left. I could have pulled away again, and I didn’t. It was my choice too. Right? Yes. I don’t know. I think so.

“No,� I respond to her question one final time, more decisively than the first two attempts. She looks concerned, though. Like the way I’ve responded hasn’t eased her mind.

“Okay,� she says slowly. “Good. Okay.�

I find my way to my bed now. I need to sit down. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m not even sure I know what time it is. What time is it? Isn’t there a rehearsal dinner happening at some point? Is there somewhere I’m supposed to be? I don’t know. I feel confused. I wish this feeling would go away.

Leah makes her way over to me and sits down next to me tentatively. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I know it’s been hard for you since we got here, and I know whatever happened in there that got us here is probably hard for you too, but…if you want to talk, you know I’ll listen.�

This is why I love Leah. I grab her hand, tears that had briefly subsided falling freely again. She puts her other arm around me again and I lean my head on her shoulder. And the whole story starts to pour out. I tell her everything I can think of from the very beginning – the four years ago beginning, up until what happened today. I know she’s already heard bits of it from Abraham, but something in me needs to put it all out there right now, all at once, the day before Bianca’s wedding, to try to make sense of it all. When I finally finish, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Tears are still falling but slower now, and although I still feel confused, I feel like I’m closer to the answer maybe.

“I don’t know why I gave in,� I say by way of transition to figuring out what I’m going to do now. “I really don’t want anything to do with him in that way. Not anymore. When I was younger, maybe. If he’d chosen me instead of Bianca, I would have been happy. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I love Jake, I want to be with him. I don’t know why I let Justin get in my head.�

Leah shrugs and pats my leg sympathetically. “I think sometimes when people push us and trigger old insecurities, we do things we wouldn’t do otherwise, you know? It’s like you associate Justin not wanting you with this time in your life where you were struggling with what it meant to be wanted at all. And for him to keep trying with you now, after all this time, I dunno…sometimes something just snaps.�

“Yeah.� I think she’s right, and she’s managed to say it better than I can right now. But I’m not sure what to do with that information right now. The only thing I can think about now is Bianca and Jake. And I promptly start crying again. “Jake’s going to be so angry. He’s going to hate me, what if he can’t forgive me? And Bianca…she’ll never talk to me again.�

“Well,� Leah sighs, “I don’t know Bianca that well, but if she’s any kind of a friend, she’ll listen to your side of things and realize that you were doing your best and nobody’s perfect. It’s not really your fault that her fiancée can’t get his shit together. And Jake…he adores you. I can’t know for sure, but I’d be pretty surprised if he doesn’t forgive you.�

As if on cue, the door opens and in walks my boyfriend, finally back from Boston at the worst possible moment.

“Hey, babe!� he exclaims, sounding pleasantly surprised at the fact that I’m here and not out doing maid of honor duties somewhere. As soon as he registers my tear-stained face and Leah’s arm around my shoulder, however, his smile fades. “What’s going on?�

“Um…� is all I can manage to say as I wipe the remaining tears from my eyes.

“We’re just having a rough morning,� Leah answers for me with a small smile.

She turns to me, trying to ask me with her eyes what I want her to do. I take a deep breath and just nod, hoping she’ll understand what I mean, and of course she does. She squeezes my shoulder before standing up and heading towards the door.

“I’m gonna go check on the guys. I’ll see you two later.� She smiles briefly at Jake, then leaves, shutting the door behind her. Jake watches her go and then turns back towards me, not looking any less confused. In a few short strides, he makes it to the bed and sits down next to me, grabbing my hand and holding it in both of his.

“What’s up, Taylor?� he asks.

I immediately start crying again, dreading what his reaction will be when I tell him. I know I have to tell him, but while I appreciate Leah’s faith in his love for me, I’m not totally convinced he’ll be able to forgive me. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out besides some weird strangled sound.

“Dude, you’re scaring me. Can you please just tell me what happened? Did someone get hurt or something?�

Not yet, but they’re about to.

“I…� I start, then trail off not sure how to finish. “I…Justin…�

As soon as I say the name, the expression on Jake’s face changes from concern to something akin to the look Abe had on his face when he walked into Justin’s hotel room not too long ago. He drops my hand in what I assume is shock and I can feel the muscles in his body tense.

“What did that motherfucker do now?� he growls. “I swear to God, Taylor, I will kill him if he doesn’t get his shit together and back the fuck off.�

“Ok, I mean, I’m not sure murder is the answer here,� I begin.

“What the fuck happened? Do not tell me he tried to kiss you again.�

I don’t say anything, just frowning in response and he is so overcome with his feelings that he stands up, throwing his hands into the air and pacing back and forth in front of the bed.

“What the fuck? Can he not take a hint? Jesus Christ, I knew he would try something like this, Taylor. I knew it. I hope you punched him. Did you punch him?�

I shake my head silently and he continues on his tirade.

“Goddammit. I’ll punch him, then. Where is he? I mean, someone needs to punch him. Dude needs to get punched.�

I can’t help a little laugh. This is one of the many things I love about Jake. When he has feelings about things, he really has them. He certainly doesn’t hold back, you know exactly what he thinks. Sometimes I wish I was more like that.

Jake suddenly seems to realize that I’m being awfully quiet and he stops pacing so he can look at me directly.

“Tell me what happened.�

I take a deep breath and start from the beginning, hoping I can get through this by telling him as little as possible. “Last night. After the bachelor party, I found him drunk in the hallway and I was trying to help him get into his room, and he kissed me.�

“And what did you do?�

I’m actually a little concerned by how measured he’s being now. It’s far less Jake than the pacing and ranting. It worries me. And I just now realized how like my brother he is in this respect.

“What do you mean what did I do? I pushed him away.� I try to sound indignant that he would even ask me that question, but given recent events, I know that I have no right to.

“Ok. Good.� He hesitates. I can tell that he wants to ask me if there’s anything else, but he either doesn’t want to piss me off or is scared to know the answer. But given that he just walked in on me crying with Leah trying to comfort me, I know he realizes there must be more. And I know I owe it to him after all these years to be honest and tell him without him having to drag it out of me. But God…I really, really don’t want to. It could ruin everything. And for what?

I let the silence hang in the air while I gather up the courage to continue.

“And, uh…I went to go see him this morning,� I finally say.

“Yeah?�

“Because Bianca asked me if I think she should marry him and if he really loves her. And I wanted to find out the answer, because you know…usually you don’t try to kiss the maid of honor right before your wedding if you’re like…in a healthy, stable, happy relationship, right?�

Jake smiles a little. “Right.�

“And, um…he told me that he worries that he made the wrong decision. That maybe he should have picked me.�

He clenches his jaw and opens his mouth to say something, but I know I’ll never get through it if I stop now, so I cut him off.

“No, let me finish. I told him that if he feels that way, he needs to tell Bianca and stop the wedding or I will. And that I love you and I have no interest in him at all.�

“Damn straight,� Jake mutters under his breath, and I just keep going as quickly as I can, hoping it will soften the blow when I finally get there.

“And then he kissed me again, and I was so shocked, I yelled at him, and I tried to leave and then he grabbed my hand and pulled me back and kissed me again and then we kind of made out a little.�

It all comes out in one long rush of breath and I heave a big sigh at the end of it, bracing myself for the reaction. I can’t quite read the expression on his face. He seems surprised. I can’t really blame him. The whole story does kind of have a twist ending. But I can’t tell if he’s angry, or sad, or full of a desire to dump me. Or all of the above.

“You did what?� he finally says.

“Please don’t make me repeat that,� I beg, standing up so we’re on the same level.

“You made out a little?�

“Yeah.�

“Like…intentionally?�

“I guess…yeah. I mean…yeah. I guess. I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use.�

Jake just nods slowly, the wheels in his head visibly turning. I shift from one foot to another anxiously.

“What’s a little?�

“Huh?�

“Define ‘we made out a little’?�

I groan, not wanting to get into the details. “You know…kissing, some touching over the clothes. Nothing below the belt. Making out a little.�

“Vertical or horizontal?�

“First vertical, then horizontal.� It makes me nervous that he has so many questions about the details of the making out. I feel the need to explain myself so he can understand that it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. Or at least I don’t want it to be as bad as it sounds. Fucking Justin. Fucking up everything.

“I don’t want him, Jake. I really don’t. I don’t know what happened, I guess I just lost my will to fight, you know? He just kept coming at me and at some point I didn’t know what to do but give in. But I love you. I love you so much, I don’t want to be with him, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.�

I step closer to him, grabbing his hand in two of mine just like he did when he first sat down next to me. His body still feels tense, and the expression on his face still doesn’t betray what’s going on in his head. I start silently praying for him to just yell and get mad at me so we can argue and I can grovel and he can forgive me and we can move on. The quiet, almost numb, response is scaring the shit out of me.

When he speaks, though, he doesn’t even acknowledge anything I’ve just said about my love for him or my apology. He just asks, “Are you going to tell Bianca?�

I squirm uncomfortably. “I don’t know.�

He pulls his hand away from me. Now he’s angry. “You don’t know? You don’t know if you’re going to tell your supposed friend that you made out with her fiancée the day before she’s supposed to marry the asshole? You don’t know if she has the right to that information?�

“No, Jacob, I don’t! You always make it sound so easy, but it’s not that easy, okay? You remember what happened the last time. And this time it will be so much worse, I’m not sure it’s worth it!�

I start to cry again and Jake looks almost angrier at my tears. He just shakes his head and walks towards the door without a word.

“Where are you going?�

“I don’t know. I need to think.�

And with that, the door slams, and he’s gone.