He was on top of her, increasing his speed, his moaning getting louder. His hands were everywhere, his mouth working on her neck, breasts or lips. He didn’t notice that she was distracted thinking about how to do her hair up that evening, or how her dress would look. She decided to scream with him as he spilled into her, making her legs shake a bit to make it more believable.  

He panted into her ear, kissing her a final time before he rolled over, pulling her into his embrace. She waited for him to fall asleep so she could create some distance between them and lay down on the other side of the bed.   

She was almost fully dressed when he woke up, just putting her sweater on and putting her hair in a ponytail. 

-“Good morning, baby” he said sleepily and smiled, and she smiled back. 

-“Good morning, Leo. You gotta get up; I’m leaving in a few minutes” 

-“Sure, give me ten. Hey, do you wanne go together tonight?” She sighed and sat down at the bed. 

-“I don’t think that’s a very good idea. People may think we are actually together.” 

He pulled her down to him and kissed her passionately. 

-“Would that be so bad? We kinda are, though, right?” 

She shook her head and got up, she looked a bit annoyed. 

-“No, we’re sleeping together, that’s all! No strings attached, remember?” 

She could hear him sigh, but she couldn’t be bothered to confront him. She had been nothing but honest to him, it wasn’t her fault he expected more from her. 

She brought out a bag of white powder and lined it up on the dressing room table before she snorted it, scratching her nose and holding the bag out for him. He shook his head. 

-“No, not tonight, I want to stay clear.” 

She shrugged and put it back in her handbag. 

-“You know, I really have to go, I’ve got an appointment with the hair dresser in an hour, and I need to pick up my dress at D&G first. You can lock yourself out, right?” 

-“Sure” He got up and walked over to her, trying to kiss her again. She pulled away. 

-“You’ve got morning breath” she said, walking out of the hotel room and out to the limo that was waiting for her.     

It took hours to get the hair and make-up done, let alone the manicure and pedicure, even though three people were working on her the entire time. It was a necessary thing, though, on a night like this. She had to look her absolute best.

  By the time she got her dress on it was almost time to leave. She took out the powder from her handbag again, snorted another line to be able to survive the night. 

As she walked out of the limo and waived to the thousands of people waiting, there were flashes everywhere. She stopped to waive and smile, posing for pictures back and forth. It was almost like walking on a catwalk, all eyes were on her, and she had to concentrate to make her dress look as good as possible. She knew she would be judged in the papers in the morning. People were yelling and screaming her name, calling out how beautiful she looked. She knew she looked great, she had spent months picking out the dress, a vintage white Dolce & Gabbana, with a diamond necklace and earrings she couldn’t remember who gave her anymore. Her shoes were Manolo and her little silk purse was Gucci. Her whole outfit cost more than her father made in a year. She smiled a little at this fact. 

She had to stop by several reporters on her way down the red carpet, answer their question as charmingly as possible. This had never been a problem for her; she knew exactly how to win people over. Be who they want you to be, be down to earth, be courteous, be fabulous, but be humble. This is what she did, that’s where her true talent was; in faking it.  

She wasn’t sure she was looking forward to tonight. She wasn’t nervous, just a bit bored. This was all the same, wasn’t it? She had been to millions of these events before, the same kind of people, the same kind of attention… It started to get old. But somehow it at least got her out for the night, out of her house, out of her life. She was surrounded by people who adored her. She tried to tell herself this as she continued walking. No, she was bored, she could imagine places she would rather be than here. All the reporters annoyed her, the place was too crowded, the spectators were too loud. And she was all alone, pretending to be someone she wasn’t; her alter-ego. But you would never know her feelings by looking at her. 

She greeted everyone with her famous smile and a kiss. For everyone else it would seem like these were her friends, but she knew none of them. She knew of them, like they knew of her. Some of them she had worked with, some of them she had slept with, some she had just met at parties. Some people she just pretended to remember, she had a thing about making people feel special. And that made her one of the most popular women in the room tonight, like every other night. 

It was nice to get recognition, nice to be liked, but she always knew it wasn’t real. This would only last until the next big thing arrived, so she wasn’t about to be sucked into a self congratulating state. She knew the industry so well, and she knew how to work it.      

She was sitting in her seat watching the stage, sometimes commenting and talking to the people next to her. She clapped and laughed every time she knew there was a camera on her. When it was her time to take the stage she did it gracefully, saying her lines without hesitation, looking excited to congratulate the winner before she was back in her seat again.The show was nearly over, and she got ready to face the camera again.  

As they called her name, she put her hands over her face to sort of hide the surprise, a surprise she almost didn’t need to fake. People were standing up clapping, they all held out a hand for her to congratulate her. She stopped by several people to accept a kiss on the cheek, all the time with a happy smile on her face. She walked up the stairs to the stage without falling, accepting the award before taking a stand by the microphone. She had to wait for quite a while before the applause calmed down. She had rehearsed for this many times. 

-“Thank you so much, people, please sit down! You’re embarrassing me!” They all laughed. “This is a moment I never dared to dream about, never even thought about when I first started to make movies. I would like to thank the Academy for this amazing surprise, thank you for appreciating what I do. My director, Martin Scorsese…” she held out a hand to point him out in the seat next to where she just sat “…you are amazing, you have taught me so much, and I would never stand up here if it wasn’t for you!” the crowd started cheering again. ”To my co-stars and everyone else working on this; I love you! My family, my friends, everyone who believed in me when I didn’t…This one’s for you! Thank you very much!” She raised her arm with the award. 

The crowd went wild when she got escorted backstage.  Well, now it was over.

She had done well.        

She was standing in the crowded bar, people coming up to her all the time to congratulate her on her award. She took her time to talk to every one of them, pretending to appreciate their kind words. She didn’t know how long she would stay at the after party, she just knew that she didn’t want to be alone tonight. She could always hook up with Leo again, but he started to become a bit needy and demanding and she could definitely do without that. 

She noticed the guy standing by the bar, looking just as lost as she felt. His blond curly hair and tall figure made him stand out, and his awkward expression made it obvious he didn’t belong here. He looked cute, looked like someone who could be a nice comforter for the night. She walked over to him. 

He was ordering another scotch when she approached him. She looked absolutely stunning as she always did, and he just stared at her. It looked like she was smiling to him, but that couldn’t be…

He looked around, but Trace was the only other person standing there, so it had to be him. She stopped in front of him and leaned against the bar. 

-“Hey…” she just said, still smiling that amazingly beautiful smile of hers. 

-“Hey” he said back, trying to not look as confused as he was. 

-“Congratulations on your award” she said. 

-“You too” he answered, not knowing what else to say. What do you say to the hottest movie star around? 

-“Don’t you find it funny how we both got an Oscar for the same movie, yet we’ve never met?” She had a way of making him feel at ease, making him feel like he was on her level, even though they both knew he wasn’t. 

-“I guess” he smiled a bit shyly. “I never made it to the premiere, I was on tour” 

-“So I heard. I just wanted to come over and introduce myself. Since we kind of have something in common tonight.” She moved a bit closer and brushed her hand against his arm. If he didn’t know better he would have thought she was hitting on him. 

-“Ok, I’m Justin Timberlake” he smiled and extended his hand to shake hers. 

-“I know. Jordan Callister” she answered, holding his gaze. Her eyes were hypnotic and it took strength to not stare at them like an idiot.  

-“I know” he laughed, and she laughed as well, a soft, sexy laugh.

She turned to the bartender and ordered two glasses of champagne, giving one to him.  

-“I guess we have reasons to celebrate” she said and he just nodded.

A photographer approached them and she took her arm around him and smiled as he took a picture, before turning back to him again. 

-“So, is this bigger or smaller than all your Grammy’s?” she asked. 

-“Wow, difficult question. It’s different, although this award is also for music; it is a bit further away from what I do than the Grammy’s. I always dreamt about getting a Grammy, but I never in my life thought I’d ever get an Oscar. So, I guess maybe this is bigger…” 

-“Your song is great, though. But so are all your songs” 

-“Yeah? You know my music?” he was impressed. She didn’t look like someone who listened to his type of music. She looked more like a woman who listen to classical stuff. Or maybe blues or jazz or something. Something more sophisticated. 

-“Got all your cd’s. I love a man who knows how to work a body like you do” 

-“Thanks, that’s…Thank you.”  

None of them said a word for a moment. He tried to find something to say that wouldn’t be totally lame, but his mind went blank. 

-“You were great in the movie, by the way” Oh, God, that was stupid. She laughed a little again. 

-“Thanks, I hope you’re not going to say you have all my dvd’s at home” 

-“I don’t, but I have a couple.” He knew he was blushing, and she laughed in that cute way again. He looked around, trying to figure out if Trace was still standing behind him. He was gone. 

-“Are you her with someone?” she asked 

-“Oh! No, just my friend Trace! I was just looking to see where he went” he explained. 

-“Trace having problems finding his way around without you?” she smiled 

-“No, I just…” 

-“Trying to find an escape route? Am I keeping you from something?” 

-“God, no, I’m happy you came over, I was a bit bored earlier. Now, you’re making things a bit more interesting” he started to be confident enough to flirt back.

She grinned in an almost shy way, looking down at her shoes before she looked up at him again. 

-“So, Justin, where are you from?” 

-“Born and raised in Tennessee” he said proudly. 

-“Yeah? Big family?” 

-“Two families. Two half brothers, both a lot younger than me” 

-“Oh, let me guess; the kid from a broken home who got everything he ever wanted just so he wouldn’t feel neglected when his parents were too busy with their new families?” she laughed, but she wasn’t mocking him, he could sense a bit of teasing and a whole lot of flirting in there. 

-“Something like that” he laughed back, letting her think whatever she wanted. If she wanted to kid herself into thinking she’d figured him out, he’d be more than happy to help her out. 

-“Do you still get everything you want?” she asked raising her eyebrow, biting her lower lip, standing even closer to him now. He held his breath, not sure how to behave. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to women hitting on him, just not someone like her. Maybe she was just a natural flirt, maybe she didn’t mean anything by it? Maybe he read her wrong? 

-“You want to know a secret?” she asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before she leaned in whispering in his ear. “I’ve never been comfortable at parties like these” 

He smiled at her revelation.  

-“Me neither…” 

She pulled back a little. 

-“Wanne get out of here?” 

He didn’t read this wrong, he was sure about that now. She was definitely hitting on him. Her eyes told him that when he looked into them, and the way she licked her lips left him in no doubt. He just nodded and put his hand on her lower back guiding her out.

She had to stop a couple of times on the way to talk to people, he just kept to the background, not knowing any of them.  

-“Where do you wanne go?” he asked as they walked out of the door. 

-“You stay in this hotel?” she asked, and he nodded. “So…” she shrugged and they both went towards the elevator.

He didn’t usually bring women home after a few minutes of chatting, but he guessed he could make an exception for this one. Besides, it was a hotel room, not his house. And if you can’t get laid after winning an Oscar, you’d never get laid.      

He woke up the morning after stretching his arm as if to see if she was still there. No surprise, she was gone. It had been a strange night, they had gotten to his hotel room, grabbed a couple of drinks, before she was all over him. It had started out fine, but somehow he got the feeling she wasn’t totally into it. He had tried his best, done all the things that usually made women go crazy, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was faking the loud moans and the short breath.  

It made him feel like a horrible lover, she was probably used to someone better than him, and she didn’t want to hurt him by letting him know, hence the faking. He was so worried about his performance that he had a hard time getting off himself. He felt almost annoyed when she called out his name and scratched his back, pretending to cum. He managed to close his eyes and fantasise to be able to cum himself, but he couldn’t get himself to pull her into an embrace afterwards. When she turned her back to him and fell asleep, he just wanted her to leave. This wasn’t him; he could do a one-night stand okay, but completely without passion? Why was she throwing herself at him if she wasn’t attracted to him? Was it a rebound thing? He knew there were rumours that she was seeing Leo DeCaprio, but he assumed that was over by the way she acted last night. 

He started laughing to himself. So what if it was an awkward experience, so what if he didn’t perform at his best, he had just had sex with Jordan fucking Callister! He picked up his phone to call Trace.  

She listened to her messages on her voice mail as soon as she left Justin’s hotel room. It was 34, most of them congratulating her on her Oscar, 90% of them from former friends or colleges who just wanted to be part of the party. One was even from her father, asking her to dinner to celebrate. Like that was gonna happen. The rest were from Leo, inviting her over, wondering why she had left the party so early. She deleted them all, sighing as she got into her own room, just a few floors up from Justin’s. She was glad she had decided to come to his room instead of bringing him here, then she could at least leave when she felt like it. She didn’t like sleeping alone, but she didn’t like waking up with a stranger in the morning. Not that there was anything wrong with Justin, he was a sweet guy, that’s why she went home with him in the first place. And he wasn’t too bad in bed, she was at least close to enjoying it, but sex for her had always been just a way to not be alone, the only way to get someone to stay a little longer. At one point during the sex she had a feeling he knew she was faking it, but that couldn’t be. She was a fucking Oscar winning actress, she had done this both in movies and in real life numerous times, and so far no one had caught her. Who cared, anyway, he was probably waking up smiling because he had fucked Jordan Callister.  

She looked at herself in the mirror, glad that no one was there to see it. Her make-up from yesterday felt dry on her face and she put some eye make-up remover on a pad and swiped it over one of her eyes. She stopped and stared at herself; she looked completely different without eye liner and mascara. She looked tired and worn out.

She removed the make-up from her other eye, zipping down her dress and pulling on a sweat suit. She went back to the mirror and looked at herself again.

She had dark circles under her eyes, had she really been drinking that much last night? She pulled the pins out of her hair and watched it fall down.This is me, she was thinking. This is the real me, and if anyone saw it they wouldn’t look at me twice. She felt her shoulders starting to shake, and she quickly regained herself. She hadn’t cried for years, and she wasn’t about to start.

She brought out the coke from her hand bag again, but quickly decided not to. It was supposed to be something to get her through difficult nights; she wasn’t going to get addicted to it. 

She left her image in the mirror, throwing herself face down on the bed. She knew it was just minutes until her manager called, getting her up for all the interviews she was about to do today. It was fine, though, she could handle it; it came with the job. 

She was right; her manager Jack Barrington called her after half an hour of being in bed with a pillow over her head, trying to stop thinking.

-“Jack, darling, what’s up” she sounded delighted to hear from him.

-“J, we got a long day, I’ll pick you up in an hour, okay?”

-“Sure, I’ll be ready! Read the papers yet?” she asked, knowing that was the first thing he did in the morning.

-“Yeah, they’re all praising you as usual. There were some rumours of you and that Justin Timberlake guy, though, saying you left the after-party early together…?”

-“Oh, tabloids, always making a big deal out of everything! I just talked to the poor guy, after all we both won an Oscar for the same movie, not much of a juicy love story!”

-“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not nagging you for it, he’s a guy with a lot of cred in the music industry, he’s not the worst one you could date”

-“Sorry to disappoint you, but we were just talking. I left early because I was tired; it had been a long day after all”

-“Sure, I understand. But you know the tabloids are gonna be even more on your case about who you’re dating after this award? They are still wondering about you and Leo.”

-“Yeah, well, they can wonder as much as they like, I’m in bed alone right now!”

At least she wasn’t lying about that.

-“All right, J, I gotta go, see you soon, okay?”  

She slowly got up from bed, ready to put on her make-up and another designer outfit again. This was going to be a long day.Her PA knocked on the door a minute later.

-“Jordan, you up?”She opened the door to let her in.

-“Morning, Monica” she smiled brightly as she continued with her make-up.

-“I didn’t get a chance to congratulate you last night! That was so amazing! And so well deserved, if I may add.” She gave her a hug. Jordan felt a bit awkward, but hugged her back and patted her back.

-“Thank you, Mon, it was an amazing night! I just couldn’t believe it!”

-“It must have been the biggest night of your life, right?”

-“Oh, definitely, I can’t imagine what could top this!”

-“And Leo as well, he must be thrilled!”

Jordan hadn’t really given his award much thought.

-“Yeah, he’s…thrilled”

-“So, ready for being worshipped all day?” she smiled sweetly. She liked this girl, she could even have become friends with her, if she had any intention of making friends.

-“People are gonna be kissing my ass today, aren’t they? I’ll just enjoy it as long as it lasts” Jordan laughed.

-“Jack mentioned you got a few offers in this morning as well”

-“Really, who from?” she was eager to start working again.

-“Well, one of them was Oceans 13, Clooney requested you” she said excitedly.

-“I don’t do sequels. What else?”

-“I’ll let Jack tell you, he hates it if I beat him to it. Talking about Jack, we better get going; he has a limo waiting for us downstairs.” 

They walked into the lobby, Jordan had huge sunglasses on, but it didn’t stop her from getting recognised. Soon she had a bunch of people standing around her, wanting things from her. She signed a few autographs and posed for some pictures before heading for the door.

Suddenly she caught a glimpse of Justin in the corner of her eye, but she pretended not to notice him. She didn’t want to ignore him, but she didn’t have time to stop and do the polite chatting right now. He was a grown man; he knew what last night was all about.

She felt his gaze on her as she stepped into the limo.    

-“So, Miss Callister, how did you celebrate last night?” the 5th reporter of the day asked her.

-“I had a few glasses of champagne with some friends, and then I got home to get some sleep.” She said the same as she had to all the others.

-“And Leo DeCaprio getting one as well, makes you the golden couple in Hollywood, doesn’t it?”She laughed lightly.

-“I know where you’re going, but Leo is just a good friend. I was really happy for him last night, as he was for me, but it’s nothing more between us.”

-“So, how ‘bout the rumours of you and Justin Timberlake? Any truth in that?”She laughed again

-“If I had been with all the guys the tabloids are linking me to, I’d been the worlds biggest slut!” She felt a bit nauseous as she said it, knowing most of the stories had a degree of truth in them.

-“So, you’re a single woman now, then?”

-“I am, and I’m happy to be. I really don’t have time for a relationship at the moment”

-“Yeah, I can see that, you’ve done 5 movies in the last two years. Hard work is not a big deal for you?”

-“I grew up with both parents working two jobs to get me through school, so it kinda runs in the family”

-“Since you brought up your family; the papers have written a lot about you and your dad not being on speaking terms since your mother died seven years ago…”J

ordan looked over at Jack who was standing in the corner watching the whole interview. She suddenly stood up and started walking away.

-“Miss Callister… Jordan…!” the reporter called after her. Monica quickly led her out of the room. Jack approached him looking angry.

-“Toby, you knew damn well you were not to ask her about that!”

-“She fucking brought it up!”

-“No, she specifically wrote in her contract that this issue was off limit! You fucking blew it, Toby!”

-“Come on, the tabloids has been writing about this for over a year, she had to expect…”

-“not in an interview, you jerk!” Jack left the room as well, trying to catch up with the girls. Jordan was already back in the limo.

-“J., come on…” he just said as he saw her expression.

-“Just cancel the rest of the interviews, I’m going home.”

-“Jordan…” Monica started

-“Don’t! I’m done! I wanne go home!” She tried to sound less angry than she felt, but it wasn’t that easy.

All the reporters were well informed not to ask about her relationship with her dad, but every now and then, someone always did. And every time she would cut the interview short, walking out like a right diva bitch. She couldn’t help it, it just made her see red. It was none of their fucking business.  

She finally got home to her huge house, just in time to say goodbye to the maid who was done for the day.

-“Congratulations on the Oscar, miss Callister” she said in a Spanish accent and Jordan smiled.

-“Thank you, Carmen, I appreciate that”She walked into the empty house, looking around. It felt like she hadn’t been here for so long, but it had only been a week.

 She walked into the living room, curling up on the couch. She put the different scripts in front her, trying to decide her next project. It was hard concentrating when everything was so quiet around her.

She got up to get her i-pod and connected it to her stereo. She just put it on random, and she laughed when the first song was “Sexy Back”. She touched her hips and raised her shirt to look at her body in the mirror. She hadn’t worked out in two weeks, and it showed.  She stood sideways and judged herself; whoever he wrote the song for must have looked a lot better than she did at the moment.

  She continued to read scripts, throwing most of them away. She kept a couple from directors she admired, but she was in no state to make decisions tonight. She walked into the kitchen, looking in the fridge. She couldn’t find anything she wanted, so she took out a bottle of Chablis and opened it just as the phone rang. She looked at the caller id, it was Leo.

-“Baby, how are you?” he asked

-“I’m okay, just done with the interviews. You?”

-“Yeah, I’m done as well. Wathcha doing?”

-“Reading scripts, listening to music, drinking Chablis…”

-“Want company?”

-“Sure, can you bring food, I’ve got nothing”

-“Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour”She didn’t have to be alone now, she was content with that. The house wouldn’t se

em as empty anymore; he would be there to fill it. She went back to the living room, using the remote to turn up the volume. It was playing John Mayer’s “Waiting On The World” and she started dancing around with the bottle in her hand. Now, that was a man she hadn’t slept with. Why was that? Maybe she should give Jack a call and fix her a date with him. Nah, he was a bit boring, wasn’t he? Whatever, she could wait until she had a chance to meet him, then make the decision.

She opened the door for Leo when he arrived, carrying a bag of take-away food. That was all she ate, she hadn’t had a home made meal since her mother killed herself. Thai food, that was good, though.

Leo tried to kiss her, but she moved her head so his lips ended on her cheek instead.

-“What happened to you last night? I tried to call you all night!” he said as he walked into the kitchen, laying the food out on plates.

-“I was exhausted, I needed sleep”

-“Yeah, not much sleep we got the night before” he laughed softly and kissed her forehead. She put her arms around him

-“I was so happy to see you win, though”He smiled

-“Ditto! Just got a bit ruined by the other winner who was all over you last night”She knew he was referring to Justin.

-“I know what was written”

-“So do I. What’s the truth?”

-“Why are you asking?” She got a bit defensive.

-“Jordan, please, don’t be like this! I know we’re not exclusive, I just wanne know!”

-“What do you wanne know, Leo? I fucked him, okay? Does that make you feel better, knowing about it?”

She was sitting down on the kitchen chair now.

-“No, it doesn’t! I don’t understand you, you’re not letting me in, you’re so fucking cold, we’ve been sleeping together for what…? A year? And you’re still keeping me on an arms length! I hate you telling me about other men you are sleeping with, but I can’t do anything about it! You’ve got me under your spell, Jordan, and you’re using it for all it’s worth! I wanne be with you, I’ve wanted that ever since I met you, but you’re not giving me any oxygen to breathe, you’re just pulling me along, playing with me! What do you want from me, Jordan?”

She couldn’t say anything. He was right, but she couldn’t admit it. She didn’t want him to leave, that’s all she knew at the moment. She pulled him to her again, kissing him slowly, letting her hands run up his back.

-“Leo, I’m sorry. You know I’m not ready to be in a relationship, but you also know how much I care about you…”

He shook her off.

-“You don’t, Jordan, you don’t care about me. You don’t care about anyone! You don’t actually care about anything! And I can’t deal with this anymore!”He started to walk towards the door.

-“What? You’re breaking up with me?” she asked stunned. This had never happened before.

-“We’re not together, remember? Which you so eloquently point out every time we are together!”He slammed the door behind him, and she was all alone again.

She felt a bit numb, and she walked out of the kitchen with a plate of food in her hand. She sat down in the couch again, trying to eat. She heard the sounds from Josh Rouse’s “Sad Eyes” and she closed her eyes tightly to avoid the tears. That song always got to her, for some reason. She pressed skip on the remote. She took up her cell phone scrolling down the list of contacts. The only names there were people who worked for her, or people she had worked with. There was no one to call.

She threw her cell into the wall, and it broke. She laughed a little. Jack would go crazy if he didn’t get a hold of her tomorrow.

Suddenly the music stopped. Oh, how she hated the hidden tracks on cd’s, always fucked up the Ipod with several minutes of silence. She was just about to press skip again when she heard a sound.

What was that? Was someone in here? She froze. She silently slid off the couch, keeping her back against the wall. She knew very well that she had the best security system money could buy, but she couldn’t shake off the fear she felt every time she heard a sound. She stood completely still, just listening for another sound. The music started playing again, making her jump.

Suddenly she started running, she ran as fast as she could up the stairs, pressing a code on the wall and jumping in to the room where the door had opened, pressing another button to close it quickly. She looked around inside the room. This was her own panic room that she got built three years ago. It was as small as a closet, fire proof and bullet proof, and it contained only a fridge with supplies to last a few days, a pillow and a blanket. No one knew about this room except Monica. And that was just by accident.

She could feel the shaking in her body, and knew exactly what was coming. She grabbed a pill from her pocket, swallowing it with a bottle of water. It took a few minutes to work, though, and she felt her breathing become irregular and her heart beating like a drum. She grabbed a paper bag and started breathing into it, trying to slow it down, but it didn’t work this time. She ended up hyper ventilating on the floor, shaking so hard that she hurt her elbows. In the end the xanax started to do it’s trick, and she went into a daze, but at least she was breathing normally. One day she would end up dying in here, she thought, and no one would find her.She fell asleep on the floor with her head on the pillow and the blanket covering her body. Sometimes she wondered if she spent more nights here than in her own bed.

Chapter 3  

Justin and Trace had just met up for lunch after they checked out. They lived only a few miles away, but had decided to stay at the hotel where the after party was anyway. Everyone else did, and Justin wanted to blend in as much as possible, get the full experience of his first Oscar night.

Trace wasted no time confronting him about last night’s escapades.

-“So, spill, Timberlake, how was she?” he asked curiously.

Justin thought about it for a while, staring into the air as if he was waiting to find the right answer there.

-“Strange…” he said slowly

-“Strange? You just fucked the hottest woman around and the only word you use to describe it is’strange’? You’re fucking strange!” Trace laughed.

-“No, I mean…she was strange, the whole situation was strange. I’ve thought about all morning and I can’t get my head around it.”

-“She was totally coming on to you in the bar!”

-“I know!” he laughed. “It was so… I have to use the word again; strange! We were talking for maybe half an hour before she suggested we went to my room.  That doesn’t happen with stars like her, I admit it does with fans or any b-listers or something, but... She could have gotten any man she wanted last night”

-“And she chose a dorky looser like you? You’re right, that is strange” he giggled as Justin shoved him playfully.

-“I got the feeling I could have been anybody to her, though. Like she just needed someone, not necessarily me.”

-“So, not the beginning of a great love story, then? Did you even get her number?”

-“No, she left before I woke up. I saw her down at the lobby later, but she didn’t see me. This was nothing but a one night stand, but it makes for a great story to tell my buddies”They both laughed at this point.

-“You gotta tell me how she looks like naked, was she as hot as she looks like with clothes on?”

-“Man, she was… I mean, she’s flawless” he shook his head. ”She is even hotter than you’d ever imagine. She’s absolutely picture perfect. But that’s where it stops”

-“Meaning?”

-“I don’t know, man. The whole country knows she’s intelligent, she’s a fucking Harvard graduate, and she’s rumoured to be the nicest person to work with. I mean, she’s America’s sweetheart, loved by a whole world, but when I got her alone in my room she was completely cold. Like everything she is on the screen is fake.”

-“Well, she is an actress, and a damn good one”

-“I know, but the way she is in interviews and on talk shows… It’s just fake! I mean, she went from charmingly flirting to staring into the air like she was in her own world. And I think she was on something as well, she seemed high on something.”

-“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for going after a big celebrity again, I’m telling you, man; you need a normal, down to earth girl!”

-“Sure” he laughed. “Don’t hold your breath, though. I have a few more to go through before settling down” he winked and took another sip of his coffee.  

Justin didn’t have many interviews today, only a few phone interviews with a couple of radio stations. The Oscars were all about the actors, not a musician making a song for a sound track. He didn’t mind, he was actually very happy about it. He could spend this beautiful sunny day at the beach with his friends.

They were all eager to hear about his night, and he told them in few details, not wanting to reveal too much about her, for both their sakes. He didn’t want to sound like a loser who couldn’t make a woman come, and he didn’t want to screw up her image either. So in his story, it was wild and sexy and lasted all night. Only Trace knew the truth, and he would never say anything different.

He did wonder what was up with her, though. There was something really mystic about her, and it got him curious. But only for a while, because soon Jessica showed up, and he ended up spending the night with her. She was not as complex, really easy going, and she would never fake her orgasms with him. He didn’t have to work hard for her. She was a lot better for his ego. 

    A few months later  

 -“Jordan, you ready?”

She nodded

-“…and… ACTION!” 

She was finally done with all her scenes for the day, and headed back to her trailer. The minute she got inside, she ran for the bathroom. She hadn’t really felt good lately, maybe it was the sun, maybe it was the booze… Maybe it was just working too much. She enjoyed working, though; it got her mind on something else. And this movie would be even bigger than her last; she knew that just by reading the script, and knowing what Clint Eastwood could do when he worked his magic.

She definitely made a right choice doing this movie. Jack was thrilled, and the papers already started to talk about another Oscar. And on top of it all, she actually had some fun as well. 

There was a knock on the door, and she quickly wiped her mouth before opening it.

-“Baby, you wanne come with us to Limelight?” Mark Wahlberg, her co-star asked her.

She shrugged.-“Sure, when are we leaving?”

-“An hour, a car is coming to pick us up.”

-“Not stopping by the hotel?”

-“Nah, we start again early tomorrow, so we need to get drinking as soon as possible!”

She laughed

-“Sounds like a plan! Who’s with?”

-“I don’t know, I think everybody, you’re gonna get ready in time?”

-“Sure”

-“Got any extra time?” he smiled mischievously at her. She took a step towards him, running her hand up his chest.

-“What did you have in mind?” she asked innocently. He grinned as she pulled him by his sweater and into her trailer.  

-“So, cheers to Clint for casting such a fabulous group of people!” Mark ended his speech and raised his shot glass. Everyone cheered and drank it down.

-“Another round, please!” one of them shouted to the bartender.It had been a lot of drinks and Jordan started to feel more than tipsy. She rested her head on Mark’s shoulder and he kissed her forehead.

-“Let’s dance” she said, and he sighed.

-“Jordan, you know I don’t dance…” he started, but when she looked at him with her puppy dog eyes, he couldn’t resist her. “Fuck, don’t look at me like that!” he pleaded.

She stared intensely into his eyes.

-“Come on, Mark, I really want to!”

He just shook his head and led her to the dance floor, taking his arms around her, swaying her to the soft music. She closed her eyes and put her head on his chest. Suddenly she started to stumble a little.

-“Baby, you okay?” he whispered in her ear.

She nodded absently.

The music felt so loud in her ears, and the smoky room made it hard to breath. She opened her eyes again, and couldn’t see clearly. She stumbled again, having problems standing on her feet.

-“Sure you’re alright? Are you getting a bit too drunk?”

She shook her head, unable to speak. She needed to throw up again, but her legs wouldn’t carry her. She grabbed his shirt in her fists as she started to fall to the floor. Last thing she could remember was Mark’s horrified expression trying to hold on to her as she fainted right there on the floor.  

She woke up in a hospital bed and looked around. It was dark and she was alone. She immediately started to freak out; what had happened? Was she sick? Was it another panic attack? No, it didn’t feel like one of those…

She pushed the button to call a nurse in to the room, and someone was there within seconds.

-“Miss Callister, how are you feeling?” the nurse asked as he opened the door.

-“I…don’t know… What happened?”

-“We are running some tests at the moment, but it looks like you were just exhausted. Mix that with alcohol and this is what happens.”

She nodded.

-“I’m sorry…” she almost whispered, and he smiled at her.

-“Don’t be, that’s what we’re her for. You just need to take better care of yourself. Just get some more sleep and the doctor will talk to you in the morning”

-“Are there… anyone else here?”

-“No, there were a couple of your friends who brought you in, but they left again.”

-“Oh” she just said, trying to not sound disappointed.

-“The doctor asked them to leave; there was nothing they could do here in the middle of the night. Now, get some sleep” He patted her hand before closing the door behind him.

She did as he said, falling deep into sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow again.  

-“Miss Callister, we have the results ready from your tests” the doctor smiled as she sat in his office.

She relaxed a bit, if he had bad news, he wouldn’t smile like that, would he?

-“Ok, shoot…” she said, still a bit nervous.

-“Things are normal, there is nothing seriously wrong with you. You are just exhausted and need some rest.”

-“Yeah, I can’t do that; I’m shooting a movie…”

-“Miss Callister…”

-“Jordan…”

-“Ok, Jordan. I am ordering you to rest, at least for a couple of days. It is the best for both of you…”

She looked at him quizzically. What did he mean?

-“And as a doctor I have to tell you how bad it is to drink alcohol in your condition. It can cause serious damages to the foetus.”

She opened her mouth and stared at him in horror.

-“Oh God, you didn’t know? Jordan, you are pregnant!”

Her breath got caught in her throat and she closed her eyes as she felt another panic attack starting.   

Pregnant? That couldn’t be! That wasn’t possible!

-“I need to get rid of it!” Her first reaction to the doctor. He tilted his head a bit.

-“It’s a big decision to make. And you’ve already started your second trimester”

-“What, you’re telling me I can’t have an abortion? That I have to have this baby? No, that’s not an option!” she was almost hysterical now.

-“You have a choice, I just don’t want you to make decision you’ll regret later” He sounded sympathetic, and it made her angry.

She got up from her chair running out of the office, not caring about the doctor calling after her. 

When she got to her hotel room, she sat down on her bed with her head in her hands. She couldn’t think clearly. This was the worst thing that could have happened to her! She started hitting her stomach with her fists as she screamed in frustration.

She couldn’t take care of a baby! She couldn’t even take care of herself! She was completely fucked up, and now she would fuck up the life of an innocent baby as well. She couldn’t do it; she had to get an abortion!

How could she not have known?  She had been pregnant for more than three months without noticing! Sure, she couldn’t remember last time she had her period, but that was not unusual for her. She assumed it was the stress, the dieting, the usual reasons. And she had noticed she had gained some weight, but that only made her eat less. And drink more…

Three fucking months… Wait a minute… She just started thinking about the man whose child she was carrying. She hadn’t thought about that yet. She counted back the days.

Oh, God, she didn’t even know! She would be the worst mother ever! “Hey, baby, I have no idea who your father is, because your mother is a slut and slept with several guys”. Yeah, no mother of the year award coming her way!

It must have happened around the time of the Oscars, so she was down to two possible suspects; Leo or that Justin Timberlake guy she had a one night stand with. God, both were just as bad! Would she tell any of them? Nah, they didn’t need to know, they probably didn’t want to know. 

She jumped as there was a knock on her door.

-“Mark” she sighed and opened the door wider to let him in.

-“What the fuck happened last night? What were you on?” he seemed a bit upset.

-“I wasn’t on anything, doctor just said I was exhausted. Nothing to worry about”

-“You freaked me out, though…” he took her in his arms, kissing her, but she pulled back. Somehow she felt disgusted by the thought of being with a man, she couldn’t do this. She pushed him away gently.

-“Mark, I can’t…”

He looked at her suspiciously

-“What’s up, Jordan?”

-“This thing between us…Not gonna happen anymore!” she said firmly turning away.

-“What the fuck is up with you?” he sounded upset

.-“Nothing, I just don’t want to sleep with you anymore” she shrugged.

He stared at her for a long time.

-“You’re a fucking lunatic, d’ya know that? You can fucking turn around in a second, no fucking warning! Well, fuck it, I don’t need this, Drama Queen!”He slammed the door behind her, and she exhaled, relived that he was gone. 

She sat on the bed with her arms wrapped around her knees, just swaying back and forth, staring at the wall. So, now, what?

Could she pull off shooting the rest of the movie without people noticing? And the press; they’d have a field day! They would be speculating on who the father was, throughout her pregnancy and after the kid was born, she’d never escape it.

She wouldn’t be capable of taking care of a kid by herself; she would have to hire a full time nanny. She had to work, had to go to events, had to go out on dates or partying… Oh, God, she couldn’t even have a drink now, could she? And her figure would be totally ruined, she wouldn’t get a part in a movie for ages! She needed to get a personal trainer, someone to get her into shape again within weeks after…

Fuck, she’d actually give birth? To a fucking baby? What would she do with a little baby? She had never wanted children, never thought she’d ever have one. If she ever got pregnant, she had always assumed she’d get rid of it. She had to get rid of it!

She touched her belly again, not wanting to believe it. She had to sleep on this. She had to call Jack to ask him to sort her out. It was in his best interest too, he wouldn’t get any commission if she didn’t work.     

She slammed the phone down on the table after she had talked to Jack. He said the same as the doctor; think about it for a while. He also meant it was good for publicity, and asked who the father was. Yeah, right, like she would have told him, even if he knew herself. 

She started to get desperate, panicking. She was breathing into a paper bag, she had done that a lot since last night. She went to the bathroom and brought out her box of pills. For some reason she started reading on the box, noticing the words “Do not take while pregnant”.

She sighed and threw the box hard into the garbage bin. She had probably fucked up this baby enough already, she didn’t have to add to it.

She tried to calm down. Maybe it wasn’t the end of the world; maybe it would be nice to have someone to love her, someone dependent on her. Maybe she’d even grow to love it? Oh, who was she kidding, this was the end of the world! 

She made her decision and called the hospital to schedule the operation. Money could buy you everything, even an abortion on one days notice. This was the right thing to do. It would be like it never happened. And nobody would ever know.

Her alarm went off and she realised that she hadn’t slept at all. She looked at herself in the mirror, she looked terrible. She got up, took a shower, brushed her teeth and put on a bit of make-up. She had talked to Clint on the phone and just told him she was still at the hospital awaiting an operation, that it had been kidney stone and she needed a couple of days before she could go back to filming. He had been so understanding, she felt really bad lying to him.

She didn’t completely stop the production, they could shoot some of the scenes she wasn’t in, but it was still the first time ever that she had skipped a few days of work. She wanted to be reliable, that was why people liked to work with her. People counted on her and she never let them down. 

The taxi stopped outside the hospital where 2 security guards waited for her. Being the big star as she was she was guided through the back door and into an empty waiting room. It was small and sterile, and it made her feel claustrophobic.

She just stared into the air as one of the guards told her the doctor would be with her in a few minutes.She sat in the chair, swaying back and forth, keeping both hands on her belly. 12-13 weeks… She had seen pictures of how a foetus looked like after the first trimester. Arms and legs were developed, organs were in place, it could clench its fists… It was already a little baby. A little baby she was about to kill. After all that had happened to her as a child, she was ready to kill an innocent baby…Not giving it a fair chance in this world.

She felt her stomach starting to turn and closed her eyes as the dizziness set in. She couldn’t….She just couldn’t…

Without thinking she ran out of the hospital with her hand over her mouth, not knowing if she felt sick because of the pregnancy or because of what she had almost done. 

She went straight to the set, needing something to take her mind off everything. She wasn’t ready to think, make decisions, or even be alone.

Clint grabbed her as soon as she arrived and pulled her aside.

-“What’s going on? You told me you had an operation today! What are you doing here?”

-“Yeah, uhm… they were wrong, it wasn’t kidney stone after all, just…stomach ache…” It didn’t matter how good of an actress she was, she couldn’t pull this one off.

-“Tell me the truth, Jordan, don’t lie to me! We’ve been working together for two months, you owe me some honesty. Is it drugs?” He held her arm, a little harder than he had to. She knew he was trying to hide his temper.

-“Don’t worry, I’m fine” she smiled, trying to convince him.

-“You don’t look fine. I need to know whether I can trust you to finish this movie in time or not. You need a damn good reason for not showing up yesterday!” he replied, not hiding his anger anymore.

She looked down again, feeling so small, so bad…She knew she had to tell him, he was the director for God’s sake, he deserved to know.

-“I’m just pregnant” she blurted out, taking him completely by surprise. Now she had said it, now there was no way back. As soon as she said it out loud it became so real.

He stared at her a second before smiling a bit unsure.

-“Wow…Okay…Are you happy about it?” he asked a bit concerned, seeing her expression. He took his hand to her face as if to examine her. She nodded and smiled.

-“A bit of a shock first, but now I’m just thrilled!” she said, suddenly falling naturally into the acting again.

-“I’m happy for you, congratulations! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

-“I don’t want anybody else to know, I…just wanted to make sure everything was okay before I did, I intended to tell you” she was lying through her teeth again.

 She would just pretend to be happy about it.

-“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure only the people who has to know will. So, is this going to affect the movie at all? Are you…you know…growing…?”

-“Yeah, but it won’t be too much, it’s still early. We only have a couple of weeks left. You don’t have to think about doing anything differently, I just need to…” she started, feeling nauseous again “…throw up!”

She ran behind the trailer to let out only some liquid, she hadn’t eaten for days, so it was really nothing to throw up.    

A few weeks later 

“Jordan Callister pregnant.Our own favourite movie star Jordan Callister is expecting. Our sources tell us she is more than 3 months pregnant, leaving the whole world wondering who the lucky guy is. Rumours about her not very public relationship to fellow star Leo DeCaprio is making head lines at the moment, but both his and her camps are keeping their mouths shut. Pictures taken back stage at the filming of her new movie ‘Autumn Leaves’ shows a growing belly, and several of the crew is admitting to Eastwood being very protective of Callister’s condition. One source tells us; “She is getting favours from him all the time, she can come and go as she pleases, leaving the rest of the crew to constantly wait for her to be ready to shoot again. They dress her up in outfits that easily hide her body, and film her from specific angles to make sure no one notices. They tried to hide it, but everyone knew, every body is talking about it. The special treatment is annoying the whole crew”. Eastwood, a father himself, has no comment.” 

Jordan sighed as she read the tabloids, all saying the same, just in different ways. Who the fuck spilled? She always knew it would happen sooner or later, though, but she had hoped she could get through this movie and then go away to a desert island or something, surprising the world coming back with a baby. That was obviously not gonna happen.

She had been back from filming for almost a week, but today the phone had rung non stop. Her publicist, Ken Sunshine, had been over with the magazines, wanting to know how she planned on handling it, but she had no answer to give him. He suggested she just kept her mouth shut, not confirming anything, not denying anything.

She just had to stay away from the limelight for a while. How could she do that? She had a premiere for “A Philosophers Diary” coming up in a couple of days, and several weeks to promote the movie. She couldn’t skip that, she had obligations, and a contract to go with it. 

Monica had been over every day, and every time she brought with her a little gift, a children’s book, a baby outfit, a diapers bag… She had stuffed it all in a closet, not wanting to look at it.

She dreaded when Leo came home from filming in Australia, she hadn’t talked to him since that infamous night he was at her house four months ago. He must have heard by now, there must have been tons of reporters trying to get a hold of him.

What would she say to him if he called? ‘Yes, it may be yours, and it may be someone else’s. I don’t know, and I’m not going to find out.’ She shook her head, she knew that wouldn’t work. She was getting more and more unsure about her decision to keep this baby. 

The doorbell rang again, and she went to the security panel to look at the camera. She picked up the door phone.

-“Ken, hi! Two visits in a day, I’m feeling very honored”

-“Jordan, open up, I need to speak to you!” he looked into the camera with a funny expression.

-“What’s up?” she said a bit weary.

-“Just…Open up, okay, we have something to discuss, some…unpredicted development…”

She sighed and pushed the button to let him in. She went to the door, ready to greet him as he rang the door bell again.

She opened up the door, expecting to see Ken, but her blood went cold as she saw the man standing there. She automatically stepped back a few steps, unable to hide the not so welcoming surprise.

He opened the door further, stepped in and closed it behind him. She stood still as a statue, waiting for his move.

-“Jordan, is it mine?” he asked slowly. 

Jordan just stood there, her hands covering her mouth, staring at him. She couldn’t say anything, didn’t know what to say, she was caught completely off guard.

-“Is it mine?” he asked again, a little more determined this time.

He took a step forward, but she was starting to regain herself again. Her expression changed, and she smiled gently.

-“No, it’s not, Justin” she answered firmly.

-“Are you sure?” he looked a bit relieved.

She nodded, but the way her eyes were flackering made him not believe her.

-“Whose is it?” he asked, still not letting go of her eyes.

She continued to smile tiredly.

-“I hate to be rude, but I really don’t think this is any of your business.” She ran her hands through her hair.

He couldn’t help thinking how different she looked now, no make-up, sweat pants, hair in a ponytail. She looked older, and she looked exhausted. He was definitely not face to face with a glamorous star right now.

-“It is my business if you are lying.”

She raised her eyebrows at him, stunned by his outburst.

-“I would like you to leave now, please” She didn’t smile anymore, just gave him a cold stare.

He shrugged.

-“I would like a paternity test, please” he mirrored her words and body language.

They were both looking intensely into each others eyes, none of them backing away. They didn’t know how long they were standing like this, it felt like hours.

She was the one to turn away first.

-“We spent one night together a few months back, why the hell do you think you’re the father of my child?”

-“It’s not that I particularly think I am, but as long as there is a possibility I would like to know. I don’t want a child of mine out here in the world without me knowing, or him not knowing me. That’s not gonna happen”

-“Are you confronting all your one night stands to see if they got pregnant with your child, or is it only the famous one’s?” she asked coldly.

-“You think it’s because of your name? I don’t need your fucking celebrity status or your money. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m doing fine on my own!”

-“Then why?”

-“I told you why”

She snorted.

-“What are you, the last sensitive guy on earth? Most men would run a mile if they believed they had knocked up a stranger.”

-“So, I’m not most guys.” He shrugged.

-“What do you want from me?” she shook her head.

-“Am I not making myself clear here? I want a paternity test, I want to know for sure, I don’t trust you for a second, and I want to see the proof myself!” he spat out.

-“Fine!” she said walking into the living room. He followed close behind.

-“Fine?” he asked, not sure if this meant she gave in.

-“Fine, let’s do it!” she said again. She knew he wouldn’t cave, and how big were the chances it was his anyway? Most likely it would be Leo’s.

-“Okay, so…when?” he asked, a bit unsure how to act now that he had gotten what he wanted.She shrugged again.

-“I don’t care, whenever”

-“Tomorrow” It wasn’t a question; she knew that, so she just nodded. “ I’ll pick you up”

-“Why?” she asked. “You don’t have to go with”

-“Oh, I’m coming with you, you can be sure about that! I’ll also order the doctors appointment, and I’m paying for it.” He started to make his way to the exit. “And by the way; I need your number, I’ll call you later today to let you know when we’re going”

She couldn’t do anything but take the phone he was holding out for her and save her number on it.

He left without another word.

-“You can tell Ken that he’s fired, by the way!” she called after him, getting the last word. How dared he let someone else into her house? 

As soon as Justin arrived at home, he threw himself on the couch, his hands covering his face.

-“So, how did it go?” Trace asked curiously.

-“That was like the weirdest moment in my life!” he sighed

-“Weirder than sleeping with her?” Trace grinned, but quickly got serious again when he saw Justin’s expression.

-“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I guess it’s not the right time to joke about it. So, what did she say?”

Justin told him about the conversation and the decision that was made.

-“So, tomorrow, then. How long to get the test results?”

-“About a week. I got Johnny to get us an appointment. He had to pull a few strings to get it that soon. I just can’t wait any longer.”

Trace sat next to him and put his hand reassuringly on his shoulder.

-“What are you gonna do if it’s yours?”

-“Fuck do I know. I don’t wanne think about it before it happens. I’ll make decisions then. It’s not exactly the way I want my first child to be born. And she seemed so oblivious to the whole thing.”

-“How so?”

-“You know that glow women get when they are pregnant?” Trace nodded “Yeah, she doesn’t have that at all. I didn’t get the feeling she was happy about it, she seemed almost…annoyed.”

-“You got all that from a 15 minutes conversation? Man, you’re good!” he smiled and Justin smiled a little back.

-“I’m not saying I’m right, it was just the feeling I got.”

-“So, have you told anyone else than me and Johnny?”

Justin shook his head.

-“There’s no point until I know more.”

-“How ‘bout Jessica?”

-“Yeah, right; how do you tell your girlfriend that there might be another woman carrying your child? No, I’ll keep this away from her as long as I can. No need to hurt her more than necessary.”

Trace nodded in agreement.

-“I have to say, man, this is totally fucked up.”

-“Tell me about it. I’m totally freaking out here. I just need this week to be over soon, get on with my life”

Trace got up and opened the liquor cabinet.

-“Scotch?” he asked, pouring two glasses almost full.  

 He picked her up in the morning, and she climbed into his car without even looking at him.

They drove all the way to the hospital without saying a word to each other, and they were both fine with that. What was there to say, anyway? Hopefully after this week they would never have to talk to each other again. 

It didn’t take long to take the test. He was in the room for the whole process, watching as the doctor put a long needle into her stomach. He gave them a time to come back next week to get the results, and they were on their way again.

He drove her home in silence, and just planned to meet up with her again at the hospital when it was time.  

As soon as he left her he drove straight to Jessica. He grabbed her at the door and carried her into the bedroom. He needed something to take his mind off this terrible day, and at the moment sex was the only thing he could think of that would do just that.

-“What initiated this behaviour?” she asked laughing when they were finished.

He kissed her roughly and pulled her into a stronger embrace.

-“Just needed to be close to you”

-“Is everything okay?”

-“Sure, I’m fine.”

She let it go as she always did. That’s why he enjoyed hanging out with her, she never pushed him, never made him talk about stuff, and she was always up for sex.

So they didn’t talk much about anything important, but he had Trace and his brothers to do that with. It was an easy way, and he was content. He knew it wouldn’t last forever, but for the moment it was a fine way to waste some time. He could do better, but he couldn’t do better right now 

-“So, I got us invitations for the premiere of ‘A Philosopher’s Diary’ on Friday!” Jessica said excitedly over dinner later that night.

He almost choked on his sushi.

-“What?”

-“You know, the new Jordan Callister movie, you know her, right?”

He had told her that the rumours from that night were untrue, that they had just talked, and she believed him. After all, he had no reason to lie; they weren’t really together at that time.

-“Yeah, I know her. I’m not sure I’m in the mood to go, though”

-“Aw, come on, Justin, you know how I love going to premieres! And the movie is supposed to be really good!”

-“Well, bring Jen or something”

-“No, I want you there with me! Now that we’ve finally gone public, I don’t want the press to speculate whether we are having problems in our relationship. Besides, what if Derek and that woman are there…” she made her puppy eyes, pleading him.

He sighed.

-“Okay, I’ll go.” He guessed he had to do something for her once in a while too if he wanted to keep her for a little bit longer. He would just have to do anything in his power to keep away from Jordan.  

She had problems getting ready. She had chosen an empire line dress, but she still felt like it showed. She didn’t want this…thing… to overshadow the movie, even though she knew what questions she’d be asked at the red carpet.

Her limo drove her straight to the theatre, and she started walking the carpet alone. Here we go, she thought as the reporters started calling for her.

-“Jordan, are the rumours true?” one reporter asked her smugly.

She smiled her most glorious smile.

-“I’m here to talk about the movie, not my personal life”

-“I can’t help but notice your dress, is it because you have something to hide?” he didn’t give up, but she continued to smile.

-“My dress is Versace, and it’s to make me look good, the same as my make-up and hair”

The reporter laughed a little

-“Okay, I won’t ask you more, then” He moved on to questions about the movie and her co-stars. She talked for a few minutes before moving on to the next.

-“Miss Callister, is it true that Leo DeCaprio is the father to your child?”

She sighed, but kept her stone face.

-“I don’t have a child yet, miss, but if or when I do, you’ll be the first to know” she winked to the woman who obviously got a bit annoyed. Suddenly she felt an arm around her, swiping her away. It was her co-star Jack Nicholson.

-“Come with me, sweetie” he whispered and this time her smile was genuine. They had really gotten along well while filming, he had been nothing but nice to her without expecting anything in return, which was unusual for her.

They walked together with their arms around each other, turning and waiving to all the cameras flashing away.  

 Jessica was so excited after watching the movie.

-“That was so amazing, wasn’t it, honey?”

-“Hmm..?” he didn’t really pay attention; he was looking around to make sure he stayed away from Jordan.

-“Justin!” she pulled on his arm, whining.

-“What? Yeah, it was good”

It had been strange seeing her on the big screen after all that had happened.

-“I so wanne do a movie like that as well!” she continued, but he was too distracted to listen. Suddenly she pulled at him more frantically, jumping up and down.

-“There she is! Let’s talk to her!” she dragged him with her, and before he could do anything they were face to face with Jordan as she came out of the door. She stopped dead, just staring at him.

-“Jordan! That was absolutely amazing! One of the best movies I’ve ever seen!”Jordan looked over at an overly excited Jessica. She managed to smile and keep her pose, but Justin could see in her eyes how furious she was.

-“Thank you, that’s…sweet of you”

-“I’d really love to work with you one day, that’d be just so fantastic!”

Oh, God, he started blushing from his girlfriends words. He could see a fraction of amusement in Jordan’s face.

-“Yeah, that’s…” she looked over at Justin, who just kept staring at the floor.

-“You know Justin, right?” Jess said, not noticing the awkwardness.

-“Yeah, I…” she shook his hand. “We met at the Oscar’s”.

The look she gave him was full of anger. He knew this had been a bad idea; he must have been the last person on earth she wanted to see tonight. He tried to look at her apologetically, but she just bit her lip and continued the stare. He felt like a complete jackass, not knowing where to look or what to do with his hands.

-“Well, it was nice seeing you both, but I really have to move on”

-“Of course” Justin managed to say, stepping to the side to let her through.  

She called him up the morning after.

-“What the fuck was that, Justin? Are you stalking me now?”

-“Jordan, I…”

-“Don’t you EVER do anything like that again! What were you thinking? Did you try to ruin my night?”

-“No, I just…”

-“And bringing your fucking airhead of a girlfriend!”

Normally he wouldn’t let people say this about Jess to him, but he had to let this one slide.

-“Listen, Jordan, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

-“You show up without notice, making Ken get you access to my house, making ridiculous accusations, calling me a liar! And now you not only show up at my movie premiere, but you bring your girlfriend over to ‘chat’, like we’re some kind of friends? Why can’t you just stay away from me? It’s not your fucking child, when are you gonna get that through your stupid head?”

-“Now, you fucking listen, Jordan! I wasn’t planning on this, no matter how much you don’t believe me. I tried to stay away from that premiere, but she really wanted to go and I didn’t have a good enough excuse to say no. It’s not like I could say ‘Baby, I really can’t go to the premiere tonight, cause I slept with the lead actress and she may be pregnant with my child!’ This is kind of an awkward situation for me as well, I’m not exactly thrilled here. And, by the way, I’ll get it through my stupid head when I get the answer from the doctor next week!” He tried to hide his anger.

-“You’re kidding me! You haven’t even told her?” she snorted “What an amazing boyfriend you are!”

-“Oh, no, don’t you fucking judge me! You and your fucking acting! Do you ever tell anyone the truth? You pretend to be such a good girl, but you’re the fakest woman I’ve ever met! Needless to say; I’m fucking praying the kid isn’t mine. I can’t think of a worse woman to share a baby with, and I hope to God I never have to see you again after next week!”

He heard a click on the other end, and regretted being so harsh. He didn’t really know her, and he would be forced to deal with her for the rest of his life if, God forbid, he got the test results he dreaded.  

The whole week he was being moody, grumpy and scared to death. He knew he was hell to work with, but he couldn’t manage to act any differently.

He spent as much time as possible in the studio to avoid Jess, the only one he could talk to was Trace. He had been drinking scotch every single day as well, trying to drown all the thoughts going through his head. 

He couldn’t stand the thought of talking to Jordan again before he had to, so he had just sent her a text message about when he would pick her up. She sent one back saying she’d rather meet him there, knowing the paparazzi was hiding everywhere outside her house. That was fine by him, not exactly the rumours he wanted on the front page of Us Weekly…   

Jordan had a busy week, there were Oprah, Letterman, O’Brian and Leno, together with what felt like a million magazine interviews. She was happy to be occupied, staying at hotels instead of her house, being surrounded by people all the time.  

She had once again asked not to be asked about her rumoured pregnancy, but some people as usual didn’t follow it. She had walked out of more interviews this week than she had her entire life. Ken did his best to do some serious damage control, but the word on the internet was that she was a big diva, and not the sweet girl everyone had taken her for.

She was still angry at Justin after their phone conversation. Who did he think he was? And what was he really after? If he was the father, what was his plan? Was he gonna ask for joint custody?

He was an international pop star, on the road and in the studio all the time. How on earth did he think he could take care of a child? Or did he just want to stop by a few times a year to play with his child in between tours?

Her father had called a few more times, wanting to know if he was about to become a grandfather. She would get a restraining order against him if he ever tried to get near this baby. She had already asked Jack to get her number changed again, she had no idea how he managed to get a hold of it every time.

The paparazzi was everywhere, following her every move, analyzing her every outfit. And she really started to show as well. She knew she would have to make a statement within the next few weeks. She just had no idea what kind.   

Jordan and Justin met up at the hospital with a polite nod to each other. They walked a foot apart into the doctor’s office, sitting down in the chairs in front of his desk. Justin was fiddling with his hands and Jordan was biting her nails, both eager to get it over with, but both nervous about the outcome.

As the doctor came into the room, Justin’s heart was beating so fast he was sure they could hear it. The doctor slowly took a seat in his chair.

-“I’m sorry to keep you waiting” the doctor started.

He was talking so slowly, taking his time to put his glasses on and bringing out some papers from the drawer in his desk. Jordan just wanted to climb over and drag the results out of him, and rid him of that extremely annoying smile.

-“So…” he just said, and Justin automatically leaned a little forward.

-“Well…”For God’s sake! Hurry up!-“I have to inform you both that the results of this test is almost completely accurate, 99,9% to be exact, and the…”

-“Please, doctor, we know all that, just give us the result, please!” Justin pleaded.

The doctor took his glasses off and scratched his head, leaning back in the chair. Now they were both ready to kill him.

-“Well, Mr. Timberlake, I’m happy to tell you that you are indeed the father of this child!”

As the doctor said the most terrifying words he could imagine, Justin’s whole world fell down. The room started spinning and he had to put his hands over his face to hide the tears that were coming. What the hell was he supposed to do now?  

-“So, what do we do now?” he asked as they were standing in the elevator, eager to get out and get some fresh air. It was the first words they had said to each other since they met up.

-“I don’t know…” she said quietly.

He looked at her somewhat curious. She looked so different, so vulnerable, like a little girl. She wasn’t the cold woman she used to be, and for the first time he actually thought about how disturbing this whole situation must be for her.

He reached out and touched her arm, but she pulled back like something had burned her.

-“We need to talk about this…” he tried again, and finally she looked him in the eyes.

-“I know. Just maybe not now…”

-“Yeah, let it sink in first…”They got quiet again.

The doors opened on the ground floor.

-“I’m going out the back” she barely whispered and he just nodded. As she started to walk away he grabbed her arm.

-“I’m not gonna go away, Jordan”

-“I know” she nodded.

-“Can I stop by tomorrow? To talk?”

She nodded again, walking out to the car waiting to take her home.   

So, Justin Timberlake was the father of her child… She sighed as she fell down in her couch. Ok, so now what?

She started to make a to-do list in her mind; figure out what to say in the statement to the press, getting her lawyer to put up an agreement with Justin, interviewing nannies…

She groaned. Everything she needed to do had to be discussed with Justin. He obviously wanted to be involved, she just wasn’t sure to what extent.

She picked up her cell phone and scrolled down her contact list until she found Justin’s name. She had an urge to talk to him. Now, not tomorrow. She needed to know what he felt, what he was thinking… No matter their opinions of one another; they were in this situation together, and would have a link for the rest of their lives.

Maybe a text message? No, that was stupid. What could she possibly say in a short text? Maybe she could ask him to come over? No, she had to wait. She was probably the last person he wanted to see right now. He probably had friends to keep him company tonight, friends to talk to, friends who would support him no matter what…

She put the phone down on the table again and put her hands on her belly. Inside of her was a little child growing, becoming more and more like a person every day. She smiled a little, stroking the bump repeatedly.   

Trace drove Justin over to Jordan’s house in the morning. Justin made sure he kept his head down so the photographers outside her gate wouldn’t see him. He was so nervous, he hadn’t slept all night, and he still had no idea how to handle this situation.

She opened the door and looked up at him, not knowing whether to smile at him or shake his hand or… She settled for no expression, just nodding slightly to him before guiding him over to her living room.

Her heart was beating fast as she sat down in a chair opposite him. He stared back at her, opening his mouth as if to start talking, but no sound came out. How would he start a conversation like this?

He tried again, but same thing happened. It was as if it was physically impossible for him to speak. Her eyes got milder and she almost smiled.

-“You want me to start?” she asked gently.

She knew how awkward he must have felt, and she felt it was her duty to get on with this. He just nodded in relief, half smiling as he looked down at his fiddling hands.

-“Ok, this is how I see it; you have some decisions to make. I need to know how involved you want to be, but I also need to make sure you understand that the final word when it comes to this child is going to be mine. We need to discuss the press release, whether you want your name out…”

-“I do…” he said quietly.

-“…and we need to get a lawyer we both trust to write some kind of agreement.”

Wow, she had been thinking a lot more rational thoughts than him last night. He nodded in agreement, and she continued.

-“It doesn’t matter right now how low you think of me. This is not about you and me anymore.”

He shook his head.-“Jordan, I’m sorry about the conversation we had last week. I had no right saying what I did, I don’t know you at all. It’s important for all of us that we get along. At least we have to try. I’m gonna be the father of this child in every way I can, and I have no problem going public with this. Just give me time to tell my family first.”

-“And your girlfriend…”

-“Yeah, that’s…” he nodded. “I just need a few days to come to terms with this. It’s gonna change my whole life, I need to make adjustments I never expected to make at this time.”

-“I know, I didn’t exactly plan this myself. So, where should we start?”

He was surprised how different she seemed in this situation. She seemed pretty together, calm and rational, almost…nice? Could he have been wrong about her, or was it just an act?

-“I guess with the statement to the press. Do you wanne do it, or…together, or…”

-“I think we should talk to Ken about it. It should be short, just stating that we are having a baby, that we are not together, but that we still are very thrilled about the whole thing.”

He smiled.-“Thrilled? Strong word?”

She smiled back.-“So, we’ll lie, not the first time any of us are lying to the press, I guess?”

-“What about custody issues?” he asked.

-“What do you want?” she asked back, curious to know.

-“I haven’t really thought about it…”

-“Well, think about it and get back to me.”

 They were silent for a while.

-“So, how are you doing?” he suddenly asked.

-“Not too bad, I’m not throwing up anymore, I’m really not that tired either. But then again, I don’t really know what’s normal.”

She answered like she would have in an interview.

-“Who knows about this?”

-“About you?”

-“Yeah”

-“Nobody. I guess I’ll tell my manager and my assistant pretty soon, other then that Ken is the only one who knows about you.”

He nodded.-“Your family?”

-“Don’t have any” she answered quickly, obviously reluctant to talk about it. He knew she had a father she didn’t get along with, the magazines had been full of stories and theories about it.

-“So, what are your plans now? Do you need to promote the movie any more, or are you done?” He felt the need to speak to her about other things as well, getting to know her a bit more.

-“Another week to go. I was supposed to start shooting a new movie next month, but I unfortunately needed to cancel, for obvious reasons.”

-“So, you’ll be staying here until…”

-“Yeah, why?”

-“Just… You know, I’d like to go to the doctors appointments with you, ultra sound, all that shit. And for the birth…”

-“No way! Not during birth, that’s out of the question.” She answered firmly.

He made a mental note to work on this later. It was no way he was gonna miss the birth of his child, but he guessed she needed to get to know him a bit better before exposing herself in that way.

-“Ok, but the rest?”

-“Sure, I’ve got an ultra sound in two weeks”

-“When the presumed date of birth?”

-“1st of December”

He got lost in thoughts. He’d be a father for Christmas, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to spend the holiday with his own kid. He would be sitting with his family in Tennessee missing the most important member. Hell, he’d probably miss the first steps, the first word, the first of everything.

He’d be a week-end dad, the one to spoil the kid, but never really get the same connection as the mother would. He’d get to take him to the movies, or concerts, all sorts of fun stuff, but he’d never get the everyday ‘non-important’ stuff, that was the most important stuff of all.

How about his touring? Would he go months without seeing him? Would she allow him to go visit him on tour when he was old enough?

He felt his eyes well up with tears, and used his fingers to rub them. Jordan just looked at him, she saw his reaction, but had no idea how to handle it. She could only imagine what he was thinking about, and she knew it must be hurting. He seemed so sensitive, so different to all the guys she knew from the industry.   

An hour later he went back out to Trace who was still waiting for him in the car. Trace didn’t ask him about anything, he knew Justin would talk when he was ready.

As soon as he got back to his house he went into his bedroom finally falling asleep to the sounds of his own sobs. 

He knew he needed to tell his girlfriend, and he knew he had to do it soon. Maybe he could use this as a practise before he told his family next week?

He had no idea how she would react, but he did expect to be single by the end of the night.

She knew something was up when he called her and asked her to come over, she could hear it in his voice, but she knew better than to push him, so she just smiled her brightest smile upon arrival.

He looked at her with a painful expression, guiding her over to the couch.

-“Are you ok?” she asked, expecting him to say he was before they let the subject go, but for the first time he answered differently.

-“No, Jess, I’m actually not” he pulled his hand through his hair and sighed.

She just sat quiet staring at him, thinking he was about to break up with her. She couldn’t say it was completely unexpected, she knew he never was as into this as her.

-“What, Justin?” she asked a bit weary.

-“I’m… God, I don’t know how to say this… Jess, I never intended to hurt you, I… It’s just… It’s a difficult situation… I just don’t know how to tell you…” he was rambling.

She wasn’t gonna make it easier for him; she wanted him to say it himself.

-“What, Justin?” she repeated.

-“Something has happened…Or did happen a while ago… But I didn’t know, and now I do, and it’s something I just can’t run away from…”

How could it be so hard for him to say what was on his mind? He who had always been a magician with words was now reduced to a stuttering idiot! He suddenly realised this was the first serious conversation he had ever had with her, he wasn’t used to talk to her like this.

He knew he had to just jump into it, so he took a deep breath.

-“You know Jordan Callister? That she’s pregnant?” he asked, the lump that had constantly been in his chest since he found out just got bigger and bigger.

Jess nodded.

-“Yeah, it’s kinda…my child…”

There, he said it.

He looked at her expectantly, awaiting her reaction. It seemed like it took several seconds before it sunk in.

-“I don’t understand…” she just said, and he sighed again. “Kinda your child?”

Ok, he could see that was a stupid thing to say.

-“Not kinda, it is.” He confirmed

-“When..how..”

-“I lied about the Oscars, I did spend the night with her, and this was the result”

He bit his lip and continued to study her face. She just looked utterly confused.

-“Is that what she claims?”

-“We took a paternity test, got the result a couple of days ago.”

-“Huh…”she just said, staring at the table, lost in thoughts.

-“What are you thinking?” he asked quietly.

-“I don’t know, Justin. I don’t know, this is just…”

-“Like I said, I never set out to hurt you, but this is my situation right now. And now you’re welcome to throw a glass in my face or call me bad words or whatever, but you deserved to know.”

-“What are you gonna do? Is she asking you for child support or something?”

He put his hands over his face, trying to hide his annoyance with her stupidity.

-“It’s not about that. She doesn’t need my money, she’s got more than I’ll ever make. This is about me, and what I want. It’s my child, I’m his father…”

She nodded again.

-“Ok, so what…are you gonna raise this baby together?”

-“Not like together, but…yeah, kinda. I’m gonna be a big part, yeah.”

-“Oh”

Usually this is what he liked about her, her ability to not make a fuss about anything, her silly remarks, her forgiveness for whatever he did to her, but now he wanted her to have a bit more depth.

She didn’t have anything to say, and he felt he didn’t really have anything to add to this conversation.

-“So, is this it between us, then?” she finally asked

-“That’s totally up to you. I understand if you never wanne see me again”

-“It’s not…I don’t…”

-“Just go home, think about it, and then we can talk later” he said, getting up, ushering her out the door.

She grabbed his hand for a second before she walked out. He watched her from the window, saw her getting her phone up from her hand bag. He didn’t need to be a psychic to know that she was calling her manager for advice. 

He sat down in the couch again.

One down, his whole family to go.    

 Jordan felt she had done good; she had opened up to him, leaving the ball in his court, not arguing, giving him choices, making decisions, staying completely calm, acting nice…

She never thought she would be able to stay so calm during this whole conversation, and it took a lot of strength. Maybe it was the mother instinct taking over?

This was unlike her, and the strangest thing was that it was genuine. She did actually feel his pain; she did care about what he wanted. He was after all her baby’s father, and she cared about her little baby.

She did actually.

She smiled to herself as she admitted it, stroking her belly again. Rumours had it that the hormones made pregnant women crazy, but for her it was the other way around; the last couple of days, ever since the result came in, she had been calmer than ever. Maybe that was her version of crazy?  

She went to the closet and pulled out all the baby stuff Monica had brought her. She lined it out all over the table, looking at it. “What to expect when expecting” read the title of one of the books. Hmm, that must be for her, not the baby. She skimmed through the index, opening up a few chapters and read a few lines.

She put it away, determined to read the whole thing one day, but not right now. Now she just wanted to enjoy how she was feeling without reading about how she was supposed to feel.

Maybe she could read it with Justin? Maybe…Maybe it would be nice to have a father for this child, someone to share it with, someone to love the child as much as she now was certain she would?

Maybe Justin was that guy? Or maybe she just put him on a pedestal because he had said he wanted to be involved. Maybe things would change with time, he would change his mind, and she was back to mother the baby alone. Maybe he would disappoint her as well, just like all other men she had ever known…    

She had only spoken to Justin once after he came to visit, and only because they needed to schedule a meeting with Ken Sunshine. She was off to promote the movie all over the country again, and Justin mentioned that he was going to Tennessee to tell his family.

She was starting to get so big now, and it was no way to hide it anymore. It was decided that she would admit to her pregnancy, but not revealing the father’s name until the press release.

Hell, it had been all over the tabloids for weeks now anyway, she’d never get peace before she told them what they wanted to hear.

She had called her manager Jack and her PA Monica in for a meeting as well, telling them about Justin. They were both completely stunned, even though they tried to hide it.

-“So, he wants in?” Jack asked. “Why?”

-“For God’s sake, Jack!” Monica argued. “Not all men are assholes, I think it’s totally adorable that he is so determined to be a part of this.”

-“I just wanne know what his motives are. Record sales dropping?”

-“Or just the desire to raise his own child, it shouldn’t be too hard to understand, even for you!”

And so they went on; Jack the big cynic and Monica the ever gullible one. Jordan smiled during their hour long argument that she wasn’t even a part of.

She wondered if they slept together, they had a fire and a passion while arguing that you almost only saw in lovers. They were so bad for each other they were almost good, ironically enough. She smiled thinking about it, the two people closest to her, the only two people she could almost call her friends.

Except the fact that she signed their pay checks, but it was the closest she got anyway.

They were both very considerate when it came to her condition, even though Jack pretended it was only because it was good publicity.

Anyway, it was good to have them around, they made her laugh, and they made her feel less alone.   

 Justin had never felt as alone in his life as he did when he pulled into his mother’s driveway. He hadn’t talked to Jessica since their conversation; he hadn’t tried to call her either. If she decided she wanted them to continue their relationship he was fine with that, but if she never wanted to see him again he was fine with that too.  

He had asked his father, step mom and Rachael to come over as well, wanting to tell the whole family at once.

When he had called he had just said he had something important to tell them, something he needed to say face to face, but that he was fine and they didn’t have to worry. He knew his mom still would.

He was met with open arms and lots of smile, they all tried to hide their eagerness to find out what he was home for, they wanted him to tell them when he felt it right.

He engaged in the conversations and laughed and smiled back, knowing they could all see through his façade. It was all awkward, like they were all waiting for a bomb to explode.

He finally told them during dinner.

-“So, uhm… I guess you all want to know what I’m here to tell you?” he started off.

-“Hell, yeah, finally!” Rachael said, leaning forward.

-“Well, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just gonna tell you; I’m gonna be a father!” he said, opening his arms in a welcoming gesture and giving them all a smile he knew they could see through.

Now, it was out, and once again he was holding his breath waiting for the reaction.

 They were all gob smacked, and if this issue wasn’t as serious as it was he would be amused by how much they all looked alike with their mouths hanging open.

Suddenly Rachael started laughing.

-“Haha, very funny! This is to get us worked up before you tell us what’s really on your mind, right? Right?”

They all stared at him in unison.

-“No, it’s the truth, you’re gonna be grand parents and you are gonna be an aunt…Or almost, at least…”

Another minute of silence before his mother spoke out, barely able to get out a sound from her voice.

-“Oh, so…Jessica is pregnant?” He could hear the disappointment in his mother’s voice; he knew she had never been a huge fan of Jess.

-“No, actually it’s not her…”

-“I don’t understand” she continued. “You broke up?”

-“No, I don’t know, I…No, it’s actually… You know Jordan Callister?”

-“The actress?” his father asked surprised.

-“Yeah, it’s…it’s her…”

Another minute of silence before Paul started laughing.

-“Yeah, right! Bullshit!”

-“I’m not fucking kidding you”

-“You are having a baby with Jordan Callister? In your dreams! Not even you would get close to that woman” he continued.

-“No no, he’s telling the truth.” Rachael said stunned. “Trace told me about their fling at the Oscars”

-“Not exactly a fling, but yeah, that’s when it happened” Justin said silently.

-“Ok, so let me get this right;” Lynn started. “You had a one night stand, unprotected, with this movie star, and now she’s pregnant with your child?”

He nodded, a bit ashamed. His mother sighed before tears started running down her cheeks.

-“Mom, don’t get upset. I know it’s not the perfect situation, but this is how it is. We’re releasing a statement next week, and I just wanted to give you a heads up…”

-“Oh, how thoughful of you!” she said full of sarcasm.

-“Mom, please! This is tough enough as it is, I really need your support now!”

He started to break down, and Lynn immediately walked over to him, holding him while he cried in her arms, regretting how she selfishly handled this situation. But she didn’t know how to handle it, she had never in a million years expected this from Justin.

He was a constant worry for her, but not for these reasons. He was used to a stable family life, and that was all she wanted for him too, in the madness that was his life. She had always hoped he would end up with a family of his own, white picket fence, 2-3 kids and a loving wife. Something that would calm him down and make for stability.

But now he was about to have an illegitimate child with a famous movie star, one that he wasn’t even seeing.

They cried together as she stroked his back over and over again. It always got to her when her son was unhappy; she felt it deep down in her stomach. And now she would be a grand mother, would she even be allowed to get those feelings for this little baby?

-“I’m sorry” he cried, and she continued to pat his back, hushing him.

-“Don’t be, Justin, this is going to be fine. Everything will be okay.” She wasn’t convinced herself, but he needed to hear it from her. 

He stayed in Tennessee for two days, talking and crying with his whole family. It felt good to be able to be vulnerable, to scream in frustration without being judged.

His parents asked to meet Jordan, and he had promised he would ask her. He would actually beg her if he had to. This was so important to them and he felt he owed them that, owed them to get to know their grand child’s mother.  

When he got back to his house in LA he got a surprising phone call from Jessica. She came over to see him, telling him that she still wanted to make this relationship work, that she would grow to accept the situation, but that she needed him to be more committed than he had so far, invest a bit more in her to make up for the pain he caused her. He had just nodded and taken her up to bed.

He would agree to anything to feel someone in his arms during the night. 

He didn’t know if he should have called Jordan before their meeting with Ken. Was he supposed to check in on her? Would she even want him to?  

Once again Trace drove him over, he kept his head down through the gate, and he walked up to her front door. She opened it with a smile this time, and it set him back a bit.

She guided him to the couch again, the same couch he was sitting in a week ago, and offered him a drink.

-“Yeah, some tea maybe? Ken’s not here yet?”

She shook her head.

-“Running a bit late. I can get you something stronger if you’d like. You look like you may need it” she smiled at him again.

-“Uhm… You got any whiskey?”

She brought him back a glass half full of Jack Daniels and he downed it straight away.

-“Nervous?” she asked.

He nodded. How come every time he saw her he couldn’t speak? He needed to get a grip, act normal. How would he ever get to know her if he couldn’t talk to her?

-“Me too” she said, touching his shoulder in a comforting gesture as she leaned down to refill his glass.

-“So, I told my family…” he started, taking another sip.

-“Let me guess, they told you how disappointed they were, how you could have done better, the shame you put on your own family…”

He looked at her a bit surprised.

-“Well, no…They will always support me, and although they wish the situation was different, they are excited to become grand parents.”

-“Oh… Good for you!” she smiled sadly and stared at the floor.

-“Ehm… They want to meet you, though, and I promised them I would ask you…” he said nervously.

She thought about it for a while.

-“Sure…” she said a bit uncertain. “I can do that”

It felt like she said it more to herself than to him.

-“Thank you, that means a lot to them. And to me.”

She looked at her watch, and that exact moment the door bell rang.

-“Ken” they both said at the same time, which made them laugh awkwardly. 

Ken walked in and sat down, immediately opening his suitcase and turning on his laptop.

-“So, how are you kids doing? Ready to play house?”

Justin sighed, Ken could be so insensitive.

-“So, what do we say, Ken?” he asked.

-“Well, let’s do it tonight. A short one-pager, stating the facts, say how happy you both are, and asking the press to have respect for your situation and your reluctance to spread your personal life around. Not that they care, but we’ll say it anyway. How about Jessica, do we mention her?”

-“No” Justin stated firmly. “She’s got nothing to do with this, I don’t want her involved.”

-“You still together?”

-“Yeah…”

-“Then she’s involved. Does she want to make a statement on her own?”

-“I…don’t know… We haven’t talked about it”

He felt embarrassed that he hadn’t even though about her part in this.

-“Ok, so we’ll leave her out for now, but the press is gonna be all over it, asking you questions about her”

-“Fine, I’ll let her know.” He sighed.

-“So, guys, I hope you are ready for this; it’s gonna get crazy as soon as this is out. It will change your everyday lives, the paparazzi will follow your every step. And for you, Justin, if you thought they were bad with you and Jess I’m not even gonna tell you what you have to look forward to now. So enjoy your last day of peace!”

Justin and Jordan looked at each other, nodding slightly.

-“We know, Ken, we’re ready” he said, but inside he was scared as hell for what was awaiting him.  

He stayed a little longer after Ken left. He didn’t ask her, he just didn’t leave, and she was fine with that.

He had already had 4 glasses of JD, but it made him a bit more relaxed.

-“ So, how was your week?” he asked, trying to get the subject over to something else.

-“Okay, I guess. The press has made a camp outside after I admitted to the pregnancy. Everybody wants to know who the father is.”

-“Yeah, they will by the end of the day.” He sighed running a hand through his hair.

-“Justin, I know you’re already used to this, but it’s gonna get bad. Just don’t let it drag you down, don’t get angry, don’t put up a fight with the photographers. Just ignore them, don’t talk to them. And it’s gonna be high bids out to get the first photo of the two of us together, so we should really give it to them as soon as possible.”

He nodded.

-“Yeah, I know. How are you holding up?” He wanted to know how she felt, she was so surprisingly together, seemed so stable. He didn’t believe she really could be.

-“Good…Good.” He noticed she unconsciously stroked her belly. It was getting bigger. “I’ve had a little longer than you to get used to the thought”

-“Can I …Can I touch it?” he asked, nodding at her belly. She waited so long to answer he thought she would say no. But she finally nodded, putting her hands on her side, leaving the bump available for him to explore.

He got up and sat down next to her. His hand spent forever getting there, like he was afraid it would burn from his touch. But when his hand covered her bump he had no choice to smile.

-“Does it kick yet?” he asked, and she smiled back at his obvious fascination.

-“Too early for that. But tomorrow we can see the heart beat on the monitor.”

-“Wow, that’s amazing. Thank you.” He moved his hand over hers, and she didn’t pull it back. She did feel a bit uncomfortable with the touching, but she did her best not to show it.

-“What for?” she asked

-“For letting me be a part of this.”

-“You already were a part of this”  

They watched the news cast together in silence.

Jordan Callister’s baby father revealed after this.

The teaser to keep the viewers from changing the channel was playing before commercials. 

A shocking revelation as Callister released a statement about her pregnancy, revealing superstar Justin Timberlake as the father of her child. The couple was rumoured to have a thing around the time of her Oscar, but it was never confirmed. Well, what better confirmation than a baby. Timberlake is known to be in a relationship with Jessica Biel, but is said to be thrilled with the fact that he is going to be a father. Biel on the other hand has no comment so far. Callister is due in the beginning of December, which is the reason she pulled out as leading lady in Spielbergs movie ‘Creation of a Madman’ earlier this month. 

She turned it off when it finished.

-“Here we go” she said quietly.

-“Do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?”

-“Yeah, that would be fine. 10?”

He nodded and got up to leave, not wanting to overstay his welcome.

 As he walked out he suddenly remembered Trace who had been waiting out in the car for the past 3 hours.       

He didn’t turn on any news that night; he didn’t want to be met with his own face on the screen. He called Jess to tell her he needed to be alone tonight, and enjoyed a quiet dinner with Trace.

-“So, what did Jess say?” Trace asked, and he shrugged.

-“You know how she is, she’s not gonna say anything that will upset me”

Trace shook his head.

-“I know it’s none of my business, but how do you not get tired of that? She doesn’t have any opinions of her own, she says yes to anything you say, she never challenges you…”

-“I think you answered your own question right there” he said while chewing on his steak. Trace smiled a little.

-“Ok, whatever gets you through the nights.”

-“True words, my friend” He continued to eat without looking up at Trace.

-“So, how is she doing, though, with the press going crazy on this story?”

-“I don’t know, it’s not really her story, is it?”

-“But it must be hard for her. Don’t you think you’re behaving a little bit selfish now, I would assume she needs you more than ever tonight.”

-“Yeah, well, I need to be alone”

Trace sighed.

-“I know this situation is tough for you, but you’re turning into an insensitive asshole, and that doesn’t suit you. You need to snap out of it.”

-“You know, Trace, as much as I love you…” he finished off his last bite and got up to throw the dish in the sink “…I’m not in the mood for moral lectures from you right now. I think I have a right to be a bit selfish, I need to do what feels best for me in this situation, I can’t go around pleasing everyone else at the expense of myself. I can’t deal with all the expectations and demands from everybody, I have enough to deal with as it is. She wanted to stay together, fine, but it’s not about her right now. It’s not like we’re fucking married!”

-“I just want you back, man. I want you all happy and funny and…”

-“Don’t hold your breath” he said as he walked out of the kitchen and into his bedroom, turning on his iPod loud, as if to silence his troubled mind.  

As he drove up to her gate in the morning he was almost blended with all the flashes from the cameras. They were all shouting at him, fighting to be the one with a comment to go along with the first pictures ever connecting Justin and Jordan.

He avoided looking at them, just stared straight ahead with an expressionless face. He knew it would happen, but this was something it was impossible to fully prepare for. His knuckles turned white with the pressure he was putting on the steering wheel.

She opened the door and ushered him inside.

-“The mob is getting bigger” she said as she caught a glimpse of the group of people outside the gate.

-“Just as predicted. You ready? You look good…” he looked at her in her sundress, her belly sticking out, her boobs getting bigger. She did look good. He found himself imagining that it was his wife in front of him, happily pregnant, and he was about to take her hand, kiss it and follow her to the ultra-sound. That he lived here, and was about to start a happy family with a woman he loved.

-“What’s wrong?” She pulled him out of his daydream, and now he was looking at a woman he didn’t know carrying his child.

-“Nothing, just…How should we do the exit?”

-“I don’t know, maybe I should keep my head down so they don’t see me” she suggested.

-“They’ll be too close to the car, they’ll see you. Should we call for a car? Get some black windows or something?”

She laughed lightly. He hadn’t heard her laugh since the first night they met, and it made him feel warm inside.

-“Maybe we should just not hide? They are gonna analyze our body language and our facial expressions and so on, but that will happen sooner or later anyway. We could just get done with it now…?”

He nodded.

-“I guess. You seen the papers today?” he held his hand on her back as he walked her to his car.

-“Yeah, looks like we made the front page”

He laughed.

-“Wow, our friends and families are gonna be so proud of us. Front page!”

She laughed too as they drove out of the gate, once again blinded by the cameras. They both kept smiling, more for the paparazzi than the situation.

She looked up at him. He really was a decent guy, and he treated her with the uttermost respect. She started to believe he really wanted to be a big part of this, and it felt good. She liked having him around, maybe they could grow to be some kind of friends? 

The paparazzi had followed them to the hospital and quickly jumped out of their cars to catch up with them as they walked in. He continued to hold his hand on her back protectively when they walked through the entrance, and he knew instantly that these pictures would make tomorrow’s front page.

They were greeted by Jordan’s doctor, a woman in her 40’s.

-“Hi, I’m Doctor Alison McKey. You must be Justin” she shook his hand and her smile was warm. “Are you ready to see your baby?”

He couldn’t help but smile brightly. He was gonna see his baby for the first time, this was an exiting moment.Jordan looked at his expression and broke out in a smile herself.

As she lay down the doctor pulled up her dress exposing her little boxer shorts. Justin swallowed hard and tried to keep his eyes on her belly, but at the end of the day he was just a man and she was a beautiful woman in her underwear.

She had been around men enough to know his reaction, and she regretted that she hadn’t worn trousers instead. She just didn’t have any that fit anymore; she hadn’t been shopping for maternity clothes yet. She felt a bit exposed when she felt his eyes on her.

-“Justin, eyes on the belly, ok?” she tried to make fun on the situation to lighten the tension and it worked.

-“Come on, what do you expect? I’m only human!” he smirked and she laughed again.

The doctor poured some liquid on her and started the examination. Justin was mesmerized staring at the screen.

-“Oh, my God! Is that…?”

-“Yep, that’s your baby! And from what I can see, a very healthy baby. You want to hear the heartbeat?”

He nodded, unable to say another word. As soon as he heard the beating of the tiny heart he automatically took Jordan’s hand in his. She looked at him and grinned. They were both staring at the screen taking in every word the doctor said, neither of them able to stop smiling.

-“So, do you want to know the gender?” the doctor asked, pulling them out of their trance. Jordan looked at Justin who shrugged back.

-“That’s your call, either way is fine with me” He didn’t want to say that he was dying to know the gender.

-“I think maybe I wanne know…If you’re sure you’re okay with that…” She wanted him to be a part of the decision, but was grateful that he left it up to her.

-“Yeah, let’s hear it” he said exited.

-“Ok, then” the doctor started. “Looks like you’re going to be the parents of a beautiful little girl.”

A girl? He didn't know why he was so surprised, but then again he had always imagined the baby to be a boy. A little daughter?

He tightened his grip on Jordan’s hand, grinning at her. He was going to be a father of a beautiful little girl. He could feel tears in his eyes, but this time it was pure happiness.  

-“You wanne do something?” he asked as they left the doctor’s office.

-“Like what?” she asked surprised. He had never initiated any interaction between them that didn't have anything to do with the pregnancy.

-“Shopping, maybe?” he asked uncertain. He wasn’t ready to let her go yet, let his baby go.

-“For what?”

-“I don’t know, baby stuff, whatever…”

She shrugged

-“Why not? Sounds good.”

They got into his car, oblivious to the photographers; there were more important issues to deal with.

-“Good” he said, heading for downtown.

They walked into the store with their huge following behind them.

-“So I was thinking… Maybe we could like buy two of each of everything, make the baby rooms as much alike as possible, you know, stability and all that shit, making them look alike so she…doesn’t really feel like she has two different worlds….”

She laughed when he was done with his rambling.

-“You’re very cute, you know that? You put a lot of thought into this?”

-“Nah, just thought of it last night… I think it’ll be good for her…”

-“Ok, let’s do that.”

-“Good, any colour in mind?”

-“I’m not a big fan of pink, so…red?”

-“Let’s go for red!” His eyes went straight to a crib with red and white flowers on the curtains. He touched the fabric with his fingers.

-“You like this one?” she asked, and he blushed a bit.

-“It’s cute, don’t you think?”

-“I love it! It’s adorable!”

-“So, two of these then. How ‘bout the stroller? Which do you like?”

She walked around touching 4-5 different ones. She finally stopped between a purple one and a dark green..

-“Oh, these are great, you can like use this for a car seat too, and it’s easy to jog with, and they have a matching bag with it! Oh, look, it’s a little umbrella to keep the sun away, and look at this, Justin! It’s a matching rain cover!”

He felt all warm with her excitement, and before he knew what he was doing he took an arm around her and kissed her forehead. She looked up at him laughing a bit embarrassed.

-“I’m sorry, I just never imagined I’d be doing this, but now that I am, everything is so adorable…”

-“I know! Hey, look at this little dress! How cute is that? Will she ever be this tiny?” He held up an outfit for a newborn, a little flowery yellow dress with a hat to match. She took it out of his hands to examine it. She grinned at him.

-“This can be her going home outfit, for when she’s going home from the hospital!”

-“Oooh, how ‘bout this one?” He found a play  mat with Star Wars figures on it, and she laughed out loud.

-“There’s no way! Did you hear the doctor? It’s a girl, not a nerdy boy! Do we set her up for being teased at school already? Forget your wet fantasies! She’s having this one!” she pulled out a Disney’s Princess play mat.

-“I thought you didn’t like pink?” he said, examining the mat closely.

-“But this is too cute to not buy, look at it!”

He laughed again at her excitement, putting the mat in the shopping basket while shaking his head.

-“So, what else do we need?” he asked walking towards the changing tables. “A couple of these?” 

They spent the whole day shopping; he even dragged her to a store that sold maternity clothes. She hadn’t laughed this much in years; he just seemed to bring out the best in her.

As he drove her back home she felt the need to be with him a little longer. She liked the way she was when she was around him, and she wanted the feeling to last a little longer.

-“Do you…want to stay for dinner or something?” she asked, and he could hear in her voice how nervous she was to ask. He was supposed to meet Jess at the Ivy, but he knew he couldn’t let this opportunity get away. He needed her to trust him, to open up to him, and to let him be a part of her life, that was the only way he was ever gonna get a remotely normal relationship with his little daughter

-“I’d like that. Thank you” he smiled and she smiled back a bit relieved.

-“Good. I’m not much of a cook, though, so maybe we can order in?”

-“Let’s stop by the grocery store, I make a mean Thai chicken curry” he suggested.

-“A man of many talents, how can I say no?” She hadn’t been to a grocery store in years either, she usually had her maid or Monica pick something up on the rare occasions she didn’t order in or eat out. 

She was sitting on a bar chair by the kitchen island watching him cook. He had rolled up his sleeves and was working the casseroles like a pro. She had to admit she was a bit impressed, the people she usually hung out with would rather go to a five star restaurant than bother to make something themselves. He was different, almost normal. He reminded her of people she knew in a different life, when she was still a school girl in Seattle. She didn’t know they made men like him anymore. And especially not in Hollywood.

-“What are you smiling about?” he woke her up from her thoughts, holding a spoon with sauce in front of her mouth so she could taste. She sipped the coconut sauce and moaned.

-“God, that’s really good!”

-“Thank you! I usually make it spicier, but I was thinking since you are pregnant and stuff…” He used his thumb to wipe some sauce off her chin, and without thinking she licked it off his finger. He stiffened and stared at her with wide eyes, finding her just as surprised as him. He turned around to the stove again.

She held her breath and couldn’t decide weather she should say something or not. She had no idea why she did it, she didn’t plan it; it was just a reflex. But she had acted completely out of character, and it had obviously made him uncomfortable. Even though he had his back to her, she could feel him blush.

He tried to find something to say, but his mind was blank. What just happened? The whole scenario was just so domestic, so ‘happy married couple in Pleasantville’ sort of stuff, he was just missing the apron here and they would have been straight from a TV commercial for cereal or something. Was he getting too comfortable with her? Were they playing house here?

-“So… should we eat out on the balcony?” he had to say something to break the tension. He glanced quickly at her over his shoulder, not letting his eyes meet her.

-“Yeah, that sounds nice. I’ll set the table” She jumped down from the bar chair, relieved to get out of the room for a few minutes.  

-“Beer?” she asked handing him a bottle, grabbing water for herself.

-“Thanx!” he took the bottle and sat down at the table. It was a beautiful summer night, clear sky and a little breeze. The view from her balcony was spectacular, they could see the city in all it’s glory, yet still enjoy the quietness of the hills.

-“I love this place, it’s so peaceful” he said and she smiled a little.

-“It is. Sometimes I feel it’s a little too big, though. It’s not like I really need 8 bedrooms. This is so good, by the way ” she said in between bites.

-“I’m glad you like it. I’ve never gotten the grand tour here, I’ve only seen the kitchen and one of the living rooms. Maybe you could show me around later? Where the baby room will be…?”

She nodded.

-“I haven’t really decided which room to use, maybe you could help me out.”

-“Sure. So, have you been thinking of names at all?”

She smiled a bit embarrassed.

-“Yeah, I’ve thought about it. You?”

-“Nope, I figured you’d want to decide. I’d love to hear what you’ve come up with, though”

-“Well, I was thinking of Aurora…you know, ‘Terms of Endearment’”

He wrinkled his nose a bit.

-“Isn’t that an old lady’s name? Besides, she won’t be able to pronounce it properly before she’s like 6…”

He heard her laugh, thank God he hadn’t offended her.

-“Ok, so what do you suggest?” she asked.

-“I kind of like Melody”

She threw her head back and laughed so hard, and her spontaneous, infectious laughter got to him again.

-“Too cheesy?” he giggled, and she nodded. “Well, you want to name her after a character in a movie!”

-“How do you like Destiny?” she asked and he smiled widely

-“I love it! Very appropriate! Very profound…”

-“Destiny it is, then?”

-“Destiny Timberlake” he said dreamily, closing his eyes.

-“Destiny Callister, Justin!”He looked up at her again.

-“Destiny Timberlake Callister?” he asked, and the way his eyes were pleading her made her feel so warm inside. She nodded and smiled at him.

-“Destiny Timberlake Callister”

His eyes lit up and his smile was so proud.

-“Thank you. I really appreciate that.” 

She liked how he was so grateful for everything she agreed to. He could have been an asshole and made demands, even ask for joint custody, but he was just happy with the things she let him be a part of. And naming your own daughter was a big deal, of course she wanted him to have some say. 

After the dinner she kept her promise and showed him around the house. He was impressed by how big it was, the rooms never seemed to end. The furniture’s were all design, and she had chosen a European style, very bright and spacious. It suited her, she didn’t seem like someone who would be into the romantic, shabby chic style.

 She opened up the door to a room that had only a huge bed and some closets, together with some art pictures.

-“This is where I was thinking the baby room. It’s right next to my bedroom.” she explained. ”I was planning on having a full time nanny living here, but I changed my mind, I’ll just have someone coming whenever I need it instead. I wanne take care of this one myself. So that’s why I want her next to me, so I don’t have to walk that far when she cries at night.”

He stared at her his jaw falling down to his knees. He never expected this from her.

-“That’s very…un-Hollywood of you.” he said, trying harder to hide his surprise. He had just assumed she’d be doing like everyone else in the industry did, she had people taking care of her every need at all times, it was just strange to him that she wanted to do this herself.

-“I’ll of course get a lot of help, but I really would prefer to spend as much time with her as possible, and feeding her at night and changing diapers are a big part of that. I don’t want a nanny that knows my baby better than me”

He went over to her and pulled her into an embrace. He held her head towards his chest, stroking her hair. He could feel his daughter between them.

-“You’re gonna do fine, Jordan” he said as if he just realised it. “You’re going to be a good mother”

-“I hope you are right…” she whispered, letting her arms hold on to his back. He quickly kissed her forehead, fighting back his tears.

-“I should probably get going, it’s pretty late” he said, and she pulled away from his embrace, her face a little flushed. She wasn’t used to acts of pure kindness, but it made her feel closer to Justin than she had been to any men for a long, long time.

-“Yeah, sure” she answered, hiding a sigh. She wanted him to stay a bit longer, but she knew he had another life.

-“I’ll come by another day, if that’s all right with you?”

-“Anytime you want, Justin. And I’ll let you know when she starts kicking” she smiled, letting her hand rub her tummy.

He looked at her while he grabbed for his jacket from the closet in the hallway. As he held her gaze, he grabbed at the wrong side and suddenly a box flew out of the closet and crashed into the floor.

-“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry!” he said.

-“NO!” she yelled as he bent down to pick it up, but it was too late.

She held her breath as he slowly stood up, holding a bag of white powder in his hand, his eyes colder than she’d ever seen them.

-“What the fuck is this, Jordan!”  

Jordan face was pale and she just stared at him without breathing. He continued to hold the bag of powder in front of her face, staring at her coldly.

-“Justin, it’s not…” she started, but he interrupted her.

-“Not what? Not what it looks like? You’re telling me this isn’t cocaine? Really?” He was yelling now and she winced.

-“No, it’s…I haven’t…” she almost whispered.

-“I started to fucking trust you, Jordan! But I guess it was all an act, the suddenly good mother routine you’ve been playing!” he took one step towards her and she slowly took a couple of steps back, still holding her breath. “You’ve been taking this shit? What else have you been taking? It’s my kid’s fucking life you’re playing with here!” He was so angry, his face all read, spitting out the words.

-“I didn’t… I haven’t…” She was up against the wall now, slowly sliding down. He could see the fear in her eyes, but he didn’t care.

-“How dare you, you stupid bitch! I am so filing for custody; you’re getting nowhere near this baby! DO YOU HEAR ME?” he screamed, and she positioned her self hiding her face behind her knees with her open hands shielding her against him.

-“Please, don’t…don’t…” she mumbled, her whole body trembling.

He stopped dead when he suddenly noticed the total terror in her voice and the way she held her hands up. He sank to his knees in front of her, making her wince and push herself further up against the wall. He stared at her and tried to get her face up from her knees with his hand.

She crawled away in a speed out of this world, and he got completely confused by her reaction. She got up and started running, but he caught up with her in no time, grabbing her arm.

She screamed loud and tried to get away. He had no idea what was happening with her, and he had no idea what he was doing, he just knew he needed to get her to calm down.

-“Jordan!” he tried and she was down on the floor again, lying in a foetus position.

-“Please, no feet…only hands…The baby…” she managed to say and he just stood there, completely shocked.

-“You think I’m gonna…hit you?” he asked slowly, but she didn’t answer, continuing to shield her tummy. He fell down on his knees again pulling her shaking body towards him, holding her tight, rubbing her back.

-“Breathe, Jordan, please… I’m not gonna hurt you, I will never hurt you” he whispered in her ear, trying to look at her face. “Open your eyes, Jordan, look at me!”

Finally her breathing became slower and she opened her eyes warily. When she looked into his eyes she saw that the anger had changed to concern and they continued to stare at each other until her breathing was completely back to normal.

-“I haven’t taken anything since I found out I was pregnant. No drugs, no alcohol, nothing” she whispered

-“Promise?” He searched her eyes, and knew instinctively that she was telling him the truth. She nodded.

-“I swear! I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, please believe me”

-“So why do you still have it?”

-“I don’t know, I had forgotten about it”

Without letting go of her eyes he lifted her up and carried her to the couch. He sat down with her lying in his lap, rocking her while he stoked her hair and kissed her forehead.

-“I’m sorry, Jordan, I didn’t mean to scare you like that… I didn’t know…”

Her eyes were like glass as they slowly started to close. He kissed her nose and let her fall asleep in his arms.

He understood then that he knew nothing about her past, and that he had no right to judge her in any way. He just wanted to protect her, protect Destiny, and the last thing he wanted was for her to be afraid of him. He pulled her tighter as he felt his tears starting to fall. 

He woke up several hours later, missing the warmth of her body. She had probably gone to bed. He didn’t want to leave without talking to her, making sure she was all right, but he couldn’t just wander up to her bedroom. Should he just stay the night? Nah, maybe he should just get home and call her in the morning, or stop by…? Yeah, that was probably a better idea.  

He walked outside and got in his car. He remembered the code for the gate and opened it, just to be blinded by lights from a few cameras again. It wasn’t too many of them left, but the few who were got their shot of him leaving her house in the middle of the night. Well, he had bigger worries than the front page tomorrow morning.  

When he got home he saw the dim lights from the living room.

-“Trace?” he asked quietly.

-“Justin? Where the fuck have you been?” he jumped up from the couch and looked at him. “You look like shit! What happened? It’s 3 am! Where have you been?”

-“With Jordan…” he sighed

-“Until now? Did you loose your phone?”

Oh, fuck, he had completely forgotten that he turned off his phone when he got to the hospital this morning. He turned it on to see 30 messages.

-“From you?” he asked

-“Some from me, some from your mother, a couple from Ken, a few from Johnny, and several hysterical ones from your girlfriend.” Trace shook his head.

-“Oh, fuck, I forgot…”

-“This is the day after you went public with this story, and the first day you were going to an ultra sound. You’d expect a few people to be a bit curious.”

-“I’m sorry” Justin sighed and sat down, pouring a glass of Scotch.

-“So, what happened, why do you look like you have the worst hangover in the world?”

Justin smiled tiredly.

-“This has been a pretty eventful day…”

Trace poured a glass for himself too.

-“I’m listening”

Justin took up his wallet and showed Trace a picture from the ultra sound.

-“Uncle Trace, meet Destiny Timberlake Callister, my daughter” he couldn’t hide his grin, and Trace stared at the picture in fascination.

-“Wow. It’s a girl, huh?” he turned the picture around, trying to make more sense of it. “I’d love to say she looks beautiful, but this picture isn’t really the most flattering”

Justin laughed lightly

-“She’ll be a beauty, all right! Have you seen her parents?”

-“Destiny…Interesting choice”

-“It fits. Well, anyway, after the hospital we went shopping for stuff…Oh, that reminds me; we’re getting a whole busload of stuff delivered next week, we need to work on the nursery.”

-“We? When did I get involved?”

-“When you moved in, my friend! You are lucky, though, you get to be cool uncle Trace”

Trace chewed on that for a few seconds.

-“Huh… I kinda like that! So, shopping, then what?”

Justin sighed.

-“I made her dinner, and we had such a lovely time, we were laughing, coming up with names, talking about shit, even hugging and if I didn’t know better I would say we were almost flirting… But then shit hit the fucking fan!”

Trace sat up a bit, he knew Justin was about to get to the good stuff.

-“Oh, God, no, you fucked her again, didn’t you!” he sighed, knowing his friend’s weakness for beautiful ladies.

-“No, I wouldn’t be this freaked out then.”

-“Well, you kinda were last time…”

-“Shut up, I don’t wanna think about that. No, I pulled down a box from her closet by accident, and when I went to pick it up, a bag had fallen out…”

-“A bag? Of what?” Trace got his interest back

-“Coke”

-“Fuck, no! She’s doing that shit? To your baby?”

-“No, I actually don’t think she is, but I flipped out, screaming at her, and the strangest thing happened… She got completely hysterical, hyper ventilating and stuff, thought I was gonna beat her up.”

-“That’s so fucked up! How angry were you?”

-“Furious! But I’d never hit her!”

-“I know, but what did you do to make her think you were?”

-“Just yelling at her, I think. She was like crawling on the floor, trying to protect her tummy with her knees, totally crazy! I had no idea what to do, so I just held her until she calmed down. And I felt so bad for getting her all worked up like that, she’s pregnant with my child for fuck’s sake, and I scream at her like a fucking whore! She was so fucking afraid of me she couldn’t even stand on her feet! What if I get like that with the baby?” he covered his face with his hands, sighing loudly with his disappointment in himself.

-“You’re not, you just thought she was hurting your baby, I’d say it was quite justifiable.”

-“No, it wasn’t. I lost it, and I may have lost everything I’ve build up with her. We both fell asleep while I held her, and when I woke up she was gone. The last I saw of her were her eyes staring at me, she was so fucking hurt, and I did that. I fucking did that to her.”

Trace shook his head.

-“You didn’t do that to her, Justin. Obviously someone else has, though, or else she wouldn’t have freaked out like that. You think it’s her father? Or an ex?”

-“I’ll put my money on her father. She told me she doesn’t have a family, but the whole world knows she has a dad she doesn’t talk to. I bet he used to hit her or some shit like that. That’s maybe why she didn’t want a father for her baby, he must have really fucked her up. And here I come acting the same way.”

-“Don’t blame yourself here, Justin. You don’t know what has happened to her, and you had every right to react if you thought she was doing heavy drugs while pregnant with your child.”

-“I threatened to take it away from her. Said I wanted custody”

-“Shit. You gotta talk to her, man. Make sure she knows what you’re all about, get her some help.”

-“Or maybe I can help her myself…” Justin started thinking out loud.

-“No, this is obviously a lot bigger than you can deal with, don’t do the whole shrink thing again. It’s never done you any good in the past.”

-“I’m stuck with this woman forever, Trace. Do you even understand that? Forever! “

-“I know, but maybe you are not the right person to fix her up”

Justin sighed a last time, finishing his glass and standing up.

-“I’m gonna go to bed, I have to try to figure out what to do next, how to handle this.”

-“And you have a few people to call in the morning.”

-“I know” he said as he left the room.

-“At least he’s back again” Trace mumbled to himself. “He’s becoming Justin again” 

He had to make some apologetic phone calls the next morning, Jess was not happy he stood her up on their date, and she had seen the photos the paparazzi took. He made up an excuse about Jordan not feeling well, and wanting him to stay.

The net was full of pictures from outside the hospital, the shopping trip and him outside her house. He sighed and closed his laptop. He needed to see her.

He jumped in his car and drove the now very familiar way to Jordan’s house. He had no idea how she would react after last night, but he knew he had to talk to her, rebuild what he had ruined. 

As she opened the door he looked at her expectantly, a shy smile on his face. She smiled a little bit too and stepped forward to hug him. He was taken by surprise, but took his arms around her and held her tight.

-“Please forgive me, Jordan. I’m not usually like that.” He said quietly.

-“I know, Justin” she whispered. “I know”

-“I was just scared, and I flipped out, I never usually loose control like that…”

She looked up at him from his chest.

-“It’s okay, Justin, you were just looking out for your daughter. I just got a little scared myself.”

He let his fingers stroke over her chin as he stared into those beautiful eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a female voice coming from the kitchen.

-“Jordan! Phone call!”

She got out from his embrace and walked to the kitchen with Justin following close behind. He stared at her outfit; a silk kimono just covering her upper thighs, and her tummy sticking out. It was one of the sexiest things he had ever seen.

As Jordan picked up her phone and went outside to talk privately, he turned and took in the precence of the woman in front of him. She smiled brightly at him, and it made him a bit uncomfortable. He didn’t know why he was so surprised she had a visitor.

The silence was awkward so he offered his hand to break the ice.

-“Hi, I’m Justin.”

-“I know” she smiled. “I’m Monica, her PA”

-“Oh, okay” He didn’t know what to say to her, what her relationship with Jordan was like.

-“So, the daddy-to-be? Excited?”

-“Yeah, I… Yeah.”

-“I love your music, by the way”

Oh, good, that was a subject he was more comfortable with discussing. 

Jordan stayed out on the balcony for a while after her conversation ended. She started thinking about last night, and how she had totally exposed herself to Justin. She wanted to know what his thoughts were, but then she knew she had to start talking as well, and she was far from ready for that.

When she left him on the couch last night she didn’t do it because she wanted to, but because he was getting too close for comfort. She had wanted to stay in his arms so bad, even after the horrible happening, she felt safe with him. And when he turned up this morning she spontaneously searched back to those arms, and the feeling she got when his fingers traced her face.

She took a deep breath before she walked back in where Justin was eagerly discussing music with Monica. 

-“So, Monica, Jack wants you to stop by the office to pick up some scripts. I told him I’m not gonna do a movie for a while, but he insisted on me looking through a couple.”

-“Sure, I’ll be right over. Justin, a pleasure meeting you, thanx for the tickets” she waived at him before she left.

-“Tickets?” Jordan asked surprised. Justin shrugged.

-“Yeah, I’m doing a show tomorrow, and she wanted to go”

-“Oh” she just said, wondering for a second why he didn’t offer her any. He probably thought she wasn’t interested in going, but she’d love to see him on stage.

-“So, should we step out in the sun?” he asked

-“Pool?”

-“Were you about to go for a swim?” he nodded at her outfit and she smiled.

-“A little exercise is important even when pregnant.”

He followed her out to the pool and watched as she took off her kimono and revealed a little white bikini as she slid into the water.

He swallowed hard. He was wrong earlier; this was the sexiest thing he had ever seen. Her boobs looked a lot bigger then he could remember from when he last touched them.

-“You coming in?” she asked.

-“I didn’t really bring extra clothes…”

She shrugged and laughed.

-“You’ve got shorts on, don’t you? They will dry in the sun later”

He smiled and took off his sneakers and t-shirt and dived into the pool. He jumped up right in front of her and made her laugh more. He loved the way she laughed, it was so real and infectious, and her eyes sparkled as she did it.

She splashed some water on him playfully, and he dove back down and pulled on her legs. She screamed in surprise and tried unsuccessfully to kick him under the water. He pulled her under and got up himself. She spit water when she came to the surface again, pushing him away.

-“You started it!” he giggled, but took an arm around her and hugged her tight. “Thank you for not being mad at me…”

-“Thank you for being here. For me, for our daughter…”

It was the first time she had expressed herself in this way, but it was a pleasant surprise for him.

-“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be” he answered and she let her hand slide over his chest. Once again they just looked at each other, and he put his hand over hers.

-“What happened last night, Jordan? Why did you…How could you think… What…” He swallowed while he tried to come up with a better way to ask her, but her eyes fell down while she bit her lip.

-“Justin, there are many things you don’t know about me. And I’m not ready to pour my heart out to you. I panicked, but I know in my heart you’d never hurt me.”

-“Someone has hurt you in the past.” It wasn’t a question, just a statement.

She took a deep breath and turned away from him. She wanted so much to talk to him, to make him understand why she was so screwed up and emotionally unstable. But she had only talked about this once before and that ended up horribly wrong.

-“Justin, you’re a wonderful guy, and I couldn’t pick a better father for my child. I like having you around, but don’t push me like this. We’re just starting to get to know each other.”

He nodded silently.

-“I just want you to know that I’m here if you ever decide to talk about it. I’m a great listener, and I usually give pretty decent advises.”

She looked at him again.

-“Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Suddenly his phone started ringing by the pool side and she watched him as he got up from the water to answer it. It didn’t take many seconds before she understood that it was his girlfriend. She felt a lump in her stomach, she didn’t like her at all.

She had only met her once, that time together with Justin, but she had heard of her, and she seemed to be a shallow fame whore who’d do anything for some good press. However she looked at it, she couldn’t get her head around the fact that Justin was dating her.

But maybe she was wrong about her. How bad could she be when this guy obviously had such strong feelings for her? But however rational she wanted to be about this, she still had to admit that she hated the fact that they were dating, he was too good for her.

Maybe it was selfish of her, but she silently hoped they’d break up. No, it wasn’t selfish; she was allowed to be worried about what kind of woman would end up as her daughters step mom. 

Justin excused himself a couple of hours later, telling her he had plans for the night. She nodded understandingly and decided to do something tonight as well. She hadn’t gone to a party forever; maybe it’d be good for her, getting Justin out of her mind for a while.

When Monica came back later with the scripts from Jack she invited her along to this fashion award show she had initially declined.

-“You want me to go with you?” Monica said surprised. She had never invited her to anything before, not unless it was to work. Maybe she was lonely, but she truly had changed the last few months, Monica thought.

-“Yeah, girls’ night out, fashion and Champagne… Or soda for me, though” she smiled.

-“I…Don’t really have anything to wear to an event like this.”

-“You’re about my size aren’t you? Just go up to my closet and pick something out. We’ll get Matt over here to do our hair and make up, it’ll be fun” She used to hate these parties when she was forced to go to them, but now she wanted to see some people again, take some compliments from strangers and feel attracting again.

Monica broke out in a huge smile.

-“I’d love to go, Jordan. I’ll give Matt a call.” 

She walked the red carpet with Monica, ignoring the paparazzi and stopping to answer reporters’ questions.

-“Miss Callister, when are you due?”

-“Early December, and I can’t wait!”

-“You look amazing, who are you wearing?”

-“This is Vera Wang.”

-“Beautiful! How are you and Mr Timberlake getting along? Is he as happy as you?”

She laughed at the question she’d normally find rude. But she had no problem talking about Justin.

-“He’s thrilled, he’s gonna be a wonderful dad.”

-“Any chance of getting back together?”

Her laughter was a little more forced this time.

-“Justin and I are just good friends” That’s all she wanted to say about this, so she quickly walked over to the next reporter, Monica right behind her.

They got in and she started her round to talk to different people, everybody telling her how pregnancy was complimenting her. She actually enjoyed herself, and she found herself glad to see all these people she never knew she cared about. She smiled and laughed and it was all natural, she knew she was glowing.

She was talking to a new actor who had a supporting role in one of her films a while ago, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around to see Jessica standing there without her usual stupid smile.

She was completely caught off guard and just stared at her. She had never even thought about the possibilities of meeting her, or what she would say to her in that case. And now that she was face to face with her she felt how much she despised her. She was a phoney wanne-be, but she belonged to Justin and that made her almost hate her. She managed to give her a fake smile.

-“Jessica, what can I do for you?”

-“Can I talk to you in private, please?” 

Jordan stared at Jessica before she nodded slowly and started to walk to a quiet corner.

-“So, what do you wanne talk about?” she asked, but not smiling anymore, mirroring Jess’s behaviour.

-“You know damn well! Stop this act!”

-“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Is this about Justin?” There was nothing else they had in common than him, so she was pretty sure she hit the nail on the head.

-“Yes, it’s about Justin! What do you think you’re doing?” She seemed so upset and Jordan felt awkward for having to justify her pregnancy and relationship to her baby’s father.

-“I think I’m pregnant with his child!” she shrugged, hitting her where she knew it must hurt.

-“Going shopping with him, making up excuses to get him to come over all the time, faking sickness to get him to stay, making sure the paparazzi gets their pictures of him leaving your place in the middle of the night…”

Jordan laughed condescendingly.

-“Controlling the paparazzi is your talent, not mine” she snorted, but Jess didn’t notice the tension in her voice.

-“He’s not you boyfriend, Jordan, stop pretending he is. The only reason he’s talking to you at all is because you accidentally got knocked up from a disastrous one night stand! He can’t even stand you! He thinks you’re a conceited bitch, but he’s being nice to you because that’s the kind of person he is. Don’t imagine it’s anything else than the fact that he knows you have the power to take this child away from him.”

Jordan just stood there listening. Normally she would have bitched back if someone this beneath her talked to her like that, but now she was just lost for words. She felt her heart beat fast and her face getting flushed.

-“I don’t know what you want from me, Jess, I’m not making Justin do anything…”

-“He’s with me, okay! He loves me! He’ll never be yours no matter how much you try! So you can just stop playing house! There’s no need for him to hang around you until the baby is born. Don’t take advantage of the fact that the boy has a conscience, he’s never gonna feel anything but repulsion towards you.”

She was gob smacked and tried everything she could to find something hurtful to say back, but her mind was blank.

Justin hated her. He hated her and the fact that they were having a baby together.

 She felt dizzy and nauseous, and she hated the fact that this stupid, rude bitch had the upper hand. She was probably right, too, Justin loved her while he repulsed Jordan. He played a game with her to make sure she let him into the baby’s life, but he didn’t care about her.

She felt it hard to breathe and found herself regretting going to a stupid party like this. She should have known better, she should have stayed at home.

-“I’m not gonna discuss this with you” she said quietly and turned to walk away.

-“Just stay away from him!” she heard behind her back as she made her way towards Monica. 

Justin turned around and jumped when he saw Jess in the corner talking to Jordan. He didn’t even know Jordan was coming here tonight, he knew she didn’t really go to these parties anymore. He had no idea what they talked about, but it couldn’t be anything good. 

He quickly tried to make his way over when he saw the conversation taking a turn. Jess looked mad and Jordan had on her mask again, trying to remain calm. Suddenly he saw Jordan turn and walk away, and for a minute he was not sure which woman he was gonna go after. He decided to start with the closest one and grabbed Jess’ arm.

-“What the fuck was that about? What the hell did you talk to her about?”

Jess shrugged and gave him her biggest smile, letting her hand run up his chest.

-“Nothing, just a conversation between two women who’s soon to share a baby”

What the fuck was that? She actually thought… He stared at her while taking a deep breath.

-“You have no right going behind my back talking to her! You know damn well I’m trying to gain her trust! What the hell did you say?”

-“I just told her to stop taking advantage of you, to leave you alone…”

-“What the… Why the fuck did you do that? This is not any of your business!” He was getting worked up, but tried what he could to keep calm and not make a scene at an A-list event that would definitely put him back on the front pages tomorrow morning.

-“Justin, baby…” she cooed, letting her hand slide down to his belt. “She needs to know her place. You promised me you were going to put me first, remember? She’s just using you, because she knows how honourable you are.” She pulled his head down and kissed him deeply. He couldn’t help but moan when she slid her tongue over his bottom lip, but soon got back to his senses pushing her away.

-“Jess, I’m not joking here!  This is not about you, this is about my baby! I am grateful you’ve handled this situation as well as you have, but you need to know your place too! Taking your frustration out on her does not do anybody any good, she’s a part of my life now, whether you like it or not.” He sighed in frustration, running his hand through his hair. “I need to go talk to her…” he said turning around, but Jess held him back.

-“Let her go, Justin. Let’s get home and I’ll make you forget everything that has to do with her and the baby you don’t even want!”

He stopped dead and stared at her, shaking his head and taking another deep breath to prevent him from completely loosing it in front of her. His voice was low and almost whispering, but there was no hiding the anger he felt.

-“Don’t you ever say anything like that about my baby again, Jess! It’s my fucking daughter you’re talking about! And even though it wasn’t planned I’m gonna make sure this little girl knows she’s wanted and loved, I’m gonna be the greatest fucking father anybody has ever seen! You have no idea what you’re on about! I love her, okay? I love that little baby, and if you can’t accept that…” he shook his head again. “If you can’t accept that you have no place in my life.”

Jess looked at him with hurtful eyes., biting her lip to keep from crying.

-“I’m sorry, Justin. I love you so much and it’s hurting me to see this other woman having such a big place in your life.”

He shrugged her off again.

-“I need to go talk to her”

He left Jess there and made his way around the room to look for Jordan. He walked around for about half an hour before he understood that she had left. He tried to call her several times, but she didn’t answer. If Jess had ruined everything he had worked for… He couldn’t believe she’d do that, she never even confronted him about this, but now she went straight to intimidating Jordan?

He wanted to know exactly what she had said to her, but knew Jess would never tell him the entire truth. Jordan was opening up to him, she had even said she liked having him around, what would happen now?

Jess caught up with him, but he wasn’t ready to deal with her. She knew this was hard for her, but he found himself caring more about Jordan’s feelings than Jess’s.

-“Baby, let’s go. She’s gone. You can talk to her later. Let’s go home” she was hanging onto his arm, and he just nodded.

-“Yeah, I’ll take you home”

-“I meant back to yours…Unless you wanne stay at mine…”

-“I’m really not in the mood, Jess” he sighed.

-“But it’s been almost a week! Baby, don’t push me away! If you don’t want to make love, we can just cuddle, we can…”

-“Jess!” he pushed her away. “In case you didn’t notice I’m fucking furious with you at the moment! I’ll take you home, but I’m not spending the night with you.”

She knew she was defeated.

-“Fine, let’s go” she sighed. 

He couldn’t think of anything but Jordan on his way home, he wondered where she was, if she was alone, if she was hurt at all by whatever Jess had said… He wanted to drive over to her place to talk to her, but if she didn’t answer the phone she probably wouldn’t answer the door either.

When Jess kissed him goodnight he didn’t even feel her lips, he just wanted her out of the car.

When he got home he went straight to his bed staring up at the ceiling. He didn’t know how much longer he could do this; he couldn’t juggle these two women in his life. He had stayed with Jess all this time because she was easy, but now she started to test him on his loyalty. She shouldn’t do that, he thought, because she was bound to loose.  

Justin despised her. Justin was there because he had to. He hated every minute he had to spend with her. He found her repulsive. This was the biggest mistake of his life…The thoughts were spinning around in her head non-stop.

She wanted to cry, but she didn’t know how to anymore. She rubbed her tummy and immediately felt better. ‘You’re gonna be loved, little girl, you’re gonna be loved by both me and your daddy. Even if he doesn’t like me, he’s gonna care for you, I promise you.” She felt stupid for talking to her unborn child, but she didn’t care. Suddenly she felt some movements and she jumped up. Did she just kick her? She kept rubbing and she felt it again. She was kicking! It was way too early, but she felt it none the less. Her baby was kicking inside her! She laughed out loud in happiness. ‘You heard what I told you, didn’t you? And now you’re eager to come out and meet your daddy and I’

She couldn’t help but wish Justin was there to feel it with her.  

He finally got hold of her the next morning. She answered the phone cheerily, and he was caught a bit off guard.

-“Hey, it’s Justin… I just wanted to…Did you…I heard you were at the party last night…?” he didn’t really know how to start this conversation.

-“Yeah, I was…” Did he hear a bit of tension in her voice? “It was nice to get out of the house”

-“So, yeah…You talked to Jess…”

-“She talked to me, I didn’t really talk much back.”

-“I’m so sorry, she had no business doing that. I hope she didn’t say anything bad…?”

No, just how much you hate me, she thought.

-“She loves you very much, Justin… And I’m obviously in the way of your relationship. She just didn’t want to share you, I can understand that. And she was right; there is really no need for you until the baby is born. You don’t have to come around here all the time.”

Please say you do it because you want to, please say you want to…

-“But I want to, Jordan, I’m not coming because I have to”Thank God, she sighed relieved.

-“You need to talk to her, Justin. I’m really not in the mood to get her insecurities and anger pointed at me. I’ve told you it’s your own choice how much you want to be involved, I’m not gonna take the blame for you neglecting her.”

-“I know. You’re right. I just can’t get her to understand… I really don’t know what to do!”

-“Well, if she’s ‘the one’, then things will work out eventually” She held her breath for his reaction. He coughed quickly.

-“I’m…She’s…It’s not like that… It’s not like I’m gonna marry the woman…”

-“So, why are you wasting time with her, if you’re sure it’s not gonna last?”

-“It’s hard to explain…I’m just a guy, you know, and she’s…”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she didn’t want to hear that.

-“She’s a beautiful girl, Justin, but if it’s only sex you’re after, I’m sure there’s enough willing ladies out there.” Ladies who don’t have a huge tummy and sore breasts, ladies who don’t have to wear flat shoes and big clothes.

-“It’s not only that. It’s nice to have someone, you know. Someone who cares about you, someone to wake up with, someone who’s there, you know?”

She nodded silently.

-“I know, Justin, I know.” She barely whispered.

He felt a bit weird talking to her like that; he had never done that before. None of them said a word for a while, and he felt the silence a bit awkward.

-“So, my mom and Paul are coming to town tonight for this show I’m doing…” He managed to change the subject. “…and I wanted to know if we could all meet up for lunch tomorrow?”

-“Yeah, sure. You wanne come here?” Her heart started beating faster by the thought of meeting his parents.

-“If it’s not too much trouble? It’s probably not a good idea to go out, with the paparazzi and stuff…”

-“No, I agree. I’ll get some catering. Say 2 o’clock?”

-“You don’t have to go to any trouble, they’re very low-key.”

She laughed lightly.

-“It’s not like I have anything else to do with my days, I’m sure I can handle a few phone calls.”

-“I know. I’m just a little bit nervous, I guess”

-“You’re nervous? I’m the slut their son knocked up after a one-night stand, you’d think I feel a bit self conscious about that.”

-“They’re not like that, they’re lovely people, they just want to get to know you.”

-“Well, I’ll do my best to be charming. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

He laughed a bit.

-“I’m not afraid of that, Jordan, they’re gonna love you.”

She smiled on the other end, blushing slightly.

-“You wanne know something, Justin?”

-“What?”

-“She kicked last night…” she giggled.

-“No! Really?” She could hear the excitement in his voice. “Why didn’t you call me?”

-“I…You were out…with Jess, I didn’t want to disturb you”

-“No no no, don’t ever think like that! I want you to disturb me! That is a big thing! I would have come over within seconds! Don’t ever think you disturb me, anything with the baby or anything you’d need… I told you I’m here, Jordan, please start to believe in it.”

-“I’m sorry, Justin, I should have called you” It wasn't like she hadn't wanted to.

-“So… She’s started to kick! What did it feel like? Did she do it more than once? Did she kick hard?”

Jordan laughed, he sounded like an eight year old.

-“It felt amazing. I mean, I’ve seen her in the ultra sound, I’ve listened to her heart, but to actually feel her move… It was fantastic! She was so alive, so real!”

She couldn’t hear his tears falling; she just felt the silence and the breathing on the line as the realness of his daughter washed over him.

She chose her clothes and make-up carefully the morning after; she wanted to look perfect for Justin’s parents. Her dress was flowery and showed her tummy, but nothing else, her hair was in a pony tail and her make-up discreet.

It was so important for her that they liked her, and she didn’t want to look like the tramp she was.

She had set the table out in the garden, Monica had bought some flowers to decorate it with. She was waiting for the catering to show up any second, this was one time she really would have liked to be able to cook herself. She had ordered Spanish tapas, hoping to God that was something they liked.

She looked in the mirror any chance she had, making sure her hair wasn’t out of place. What if they didn’t like her? She used to be good with people, but these were Justin’s parents. She had no idea what he had told them about her, but she was sure they weren’t thrilled with the situation.

‘These are your grand parents, my little one. There will be none from my side, and I’m sorry for that’ she told her tummy while rubbing it, feeling once again a kick and yelled out in joy. 

She was standing by the window for almost an hour waiting for them, eager to see Justin again. After her conversation with him she was sure Jessica was exaggerating his repulsion towards her. And she would do anything she could to change that opinion anyway, she’d be the perfect woman, the perfect mother, a perfect host for his parents… Maybe he eventually would see her in a different light. Maybe he’d even… No, that wouldn’t happen, but at night she allowed herself to dream that Justin was there, holding her, stroking her hair, telling her that he loved her. But every morning she knew it was another woman in his arms instead of her.  

She buzzed open the gate and watched Justin walk out of his car, opening the door on the passenger side for his mother. She smiled to herself; he was such a gentleman. She was stunned by the resemblance, tall and typically southern, with the same clear blue eyes, but with longer blond hair. Her face looked tense, though, and she could see Justin taking a firm grip around her shoulder, whispering something comforting in her ear. Paul walked a step behind them, concentrating on staring at the pavement. She didn’t know what to make from the scene. 

Her heart was beating fast as she opened the front door to greet her guests. She gave them her brightest smile and shook their hands.

-“Hi, I’m Jordan. It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

-“Same to you, my dear. I’m Lynn, this is Paul” she held her hand on her husbands arm.

Justin was standing behind Lynn and winked before he moved past his mom and pulled Jordan into a hug and kissed her forehead.

-“How’s my little girl doing? Any more movements?” He kept both hands on her tummy, rubbing gently.

-“She had a bit of a show going on last night. I think she’ll be a strong one”

He took his arm around her and walked with her out to the garden.

-“It’s a beautiful place you’ve got here Jordan.” Lynn smiled.

-“Thank you, that’s nice of you. Sit down, all of you, and I’ll bring the food”

-“Nonsense” Lynn continued. “You’ve done more than enough. A woman in your condition needs her rest. Justin can go get the food. Right, J?”

He smiled and kissed his mothers cheek.

-“Of course, mom” He started to walk towards the kitchen.

-“Bring out a bottle of wine, will you, Justin?” Jordan called after him, and he just waived back to let her know he had it all sorted.

Now she was alone with his parents, and her nervousness started to show. Lynn put her hand on her arm.

-“Thank you so much for letting us come visit. It means a lot to both us and Justin.”

-“Of course. I know this situation is a bit…unconventional, but we’ll make the best out of it”

-“I’m sure you will, dear. So how are you feeling? Tired and nauseous?”

-“Nah, sore legs in the evenings, but that’s about it. I’m actually sleeping better than I have in years.”

-“Consider yourself lucky! When I was carrying Justin I was pretty much lying in bed for the last 5 months. Timberlake babies have a reputation for being difficult, from foetuses to grown-ups”

-“Hey!” Justinn pushed his mother playfully walking into the conversation with several plates of food. He put them down at the table and went back to get the rest. He seemed so comfortable walking around making himself at home in her house, she almost felt like he lived there and the in-laws just came to visit.

-“So, I hear you are a Harvard graduate?” Paul said, making her smile.

-“I am, sir” She nodded

-“What did you major in?”

-“Business and administration.”

-“Wow, that’s impressing! Did you hear that, Justin?”

Justin laughed as he opened the bottle of wine and poured it into the glasses, pouring water into Jordan’s.

-“Is this another ‘Justin never went to college’ speech again? Let’s just hope the little one gets her mom’s intelligence.”

-“Please, let’s all pray for that” Paul chuckled. “So how did you end up in the entertainment industry, then?”

-“I did a bit of acting while at school to pay for my tuition, and by the time I left college I got offered the lead in a Sam Mendes movie. It kind of spun from there.”

-“You’re an amazing actress, I love all your movies.” Lynn said.

-“Thank you, that’s sweet of you.”

They started to eat and the conversation flowed. She couldn’t help to think how different they were from her own family. They seemed so close, laughing and pulling jokes in such a loving way. And they were so open to her, really interested in getting to know her. Not only did Lynn resemble Justin in looks, she definitely could see the similarity in personality. She was bubbly and outgoing, telling it like it was, not much of a filter despite her southern upbringing. Paul was a little quieter, but Lynn would never let silence stay long enough to be awkward.

-“So, where are you from, Jordan?” she asked.

-“Born and raised in North Dakota.”

-“A farmer girl?” Paul joked.

-“Nope, more like a trailer park girl. Quite different from the way I’m living now” she smiled.

-“What did your parents do?”

-“Dad…” Justin started, he knew how uncomfortable she was talking about her parents. Jordan put a hand on his thigh.

-"It's okay, Justin. My mom was a cashier at daytime and a bartender at night. My father was a truck driver. Not very exciting.”

-“The eye of the beholder, dear. Do they still live up there?”

She swallowed hard and tried to figure out the best way to answer the question.

-“My mom died when I was 22, and my…dad…was gone right after…”

She could see how Lynn and Paul glanced at each other, not sure whether to leave the subject alone.

-“I’m so sorry, that must have been hard.” Lynn looked at her with genuine concern in her eyes.

-“I moved to California not long after, and haven’t been in Dakota since. I was an only child, and so were both my parents, so I didn’t really have any family left to visit.”

Justin was surprised how quickly she opened up to his parents, she was speaking more freely than she ever had with him. Lynn put her hand on her arm again and smiled.

-“We’re your family now, if you let us. You are carrying my first grand child, and for that I will always love you. I admit that I wished the circumstances were a bit different, but we will be there for you all the way. I know Justin will, but you can always count on the rest of us too. However much you’d like to bring us into your life, we are very grateful, I want you to know that. And if you ever need to talk, woman to woman, you can call me anytime of day. I brought up this little brat, so I’m sure I can at least tell you what not to do.”

Jordan felt her lips trembling after Lynn’s kind words, and she had no idea how to respond.

-“More wine anyone?” she managed to get out, lifting herself from her chair, holding on to her back as she started to walk inside. Justin jumped up after her and put his arm around her.

-“I’m sorry about my mom, she’s very intense, and she speaks her mind. But she’s honest, she meant what she said.”

-“Your parents are wonderful, Justin.” She looked up at him with sad eyes. “You’re a lucky man”

-“I know” he nodded. “I know” 

While the men were ordered by Lynn to clear the table, the women stayed out in the sun talking.

-“So, Jordan, I have to once again thank you for the way you have treated Justin through this whole thing. I’ve seen how he slowly has changed, and where his priorities are at the moment. He thinks the world of you, he really does.”

-“I think the world of him too. You have really brought him up to be a remarkable young man”

-“He is, isn’t he?” she looked towards the house, smiling dreamily. “He’s done it well considering the coldness of the industry. I’m very proud of him, but don’t ever tell him that. His head will get even bigger than it is.”

Jordan laughed, but stopped as she felt another kick.

-“Oh…She’s playing soccer again!”

Lynn’s face lit up.

-“Oh, can I…” she nodded towards her, and she smiled and took Lynn’s hand and put it on her tummy.

-“Oh, my God, she really does!” her eyes filled with tears. “Justin! Justin! Get out here!”She laughed while she called out for him louder. Suddenly both Justin and Paul came running out of the house.

-“What’s happening? Is everything…” he stopped when he saw his mother with her hand on Jordan’s tummy, laughing through tears. “Is she kicking?”

He ran towards her, pushing his mom away and getting down on his knees in front of Jordan.

-“Oh, my God!” he laughed, almost mirroring his mother’s reaction, which made Jordan laugh with them.

Suddenly Justin got up, and before thinking he took her face in both his hands and kissed her lips.

Lynn looked over at Paul, a bit surprised, but soon breaking into a big smile. She watched them closely as Justin pulled back, but if he was stunned by his own actions, Jordan looked absolutely shocked.    

 Justin stood up, clearly embarrassed. His face was bright red and he ran his hand nervously through his hair. She stared at him with open mouth, not able to move yet.

Justin turned around to his parents, finding his mother hanging on to Paul’s arm, smiling at her son.

-“Ehm… We…should probably get going…” he said, not able to look at Jordan anymore.

-“Oh, Justin, we’re in no rush.” Lynn said, taking a seat again. “Let’s get some coffee first. If that’s okay with you, Jordan?”

Jordan nodded slowly and got up. “Of course” she mumbled and walked into the kitchen.

As soon as she got there she more or less fell down on a chair, breathing heavily. What just happened? Justin kissed her! In front of his parents!

She knew it wasn’t a planned kissed, it was more an impulse, an instinct after feeling this connection with the baby, but it was still a kiss. And those lips felt so good, so much better than she could remember. 

-“Hey, you okay?” She jumped when she heard his voice. He looked a bit awkward as he was standing in front of her shifting his legs.

-“Oh, sorry, just a bit tired. I’ll get right on the coffee…” she got up from the chair and walked towards the coffee machine.

-“Listen, I’m sorry about… I don’t know why…” he started.

She turned around and smiled at him, but he knew her well enough by now to see it wasn’t totally genuine.

-“Don’t worry, I know it was just a reaction to…you know…the kicking, and… Don’t worry, Justin, I’m not reading more into it. It’s okay.”

-“Yeah, ‘cause I don’t wanne like…mess things up between us, or…something…” Damn, he should have planned his words a bit better before he decided to come after her, not he just sounded like a stuttering fool.

She walked over to him and put her hand on his cheek, stroking his chin with her thumb.

-“No harm done. I love how excited you are about our baby.”

Our baby… It was the first time she had referred to it as ‘our baby’.

He took her hand away from his face and kissed it.

-“You’re so great, do you know that? And thank you for being so open to my parents, they adore you.”

She smiled shyly.

-“Yeah? I’m just glad she’s gonna have these fantastic grand parents. I really want her to be able to spend time with them, it’s just a shame they live so far away”

He kissed her forehead and held her close to him. She could feel his heart beat and wondered if he could feel hers.   

They walked out again to his parents, Justin carrying a tray with coffee cups.

-“So, back on tour again next week, then? Europe was it?” she asked, just to say something, she already knew the answer.

-“Yeah, but it’s only for two weeks, I’ll be back in no time. We can finish the baby room when I get back”

She nodded.

-“Sure.”

-“And I’ll come over Tuesday night, making sure you are okay, and if you need anything…”

-“You don’t have to do that. I’m not sure your girlfriend will appreciate it if I occupy her boyfriend the night before he’s leaving. Jack and Monica will take care of my needs.”

-“Oh, she’s…she’s actually…coming with me…” he got surprised how embarrassed he felt telling her that.

-“Oh, I just assumed… never mind…Of course she’s going with you…”

-“Jess is going with you to Europe?” his mother interrupted, not even trying to hide how much she disapproved.. Jordan had a hard time hiding a mischievous smile.

-“Yeah, she…uhm…decided we needed to…She wanted to get some pictures taken of us, she’s a bit upset about the press lately…She wanted us to show ourselves together, putting a stop to the rumours…”

They had all read the tabloids, everyday was a new story about Justin and Jordan, and how he’s neglecting his girlfriend in favour of the mother of his child, pictures of him driving up to her house, or pictures of him and Jess arguing.

-“She actually wants the paparazzi to take pictures of you?” Jordan said surprised. His face turned red.

-“Well, it’s just because…she’s just…she needs…”

-“Oh, Justin!” Lynn shook her head. “What about what you need? I can’t imagine you’d invite the paparazzi to follow your every step. What’s next? You'll be the next Newlyweds-couple on MTV?”

Jordan giggled and put her hand over her moth to try to cover it. Paul wasn’t that subtle and laughed out loud. Justin’s face turned even redder. He looked at his mom and bit his teeth together.

-“I’m not discussing this with you again, mom. Just leave it, okay?”

Lynn just shrugged and winked at Jordan.

-“Okay, son. Whatever you’re comfortable with” she smiled.

-“It’s more to a relationship than a big booty, you know” Paul said, making both women laugh out loud. Paul didn’t talk much, but when he did he’d make a comment like this. Justin’s eyes darkened and they could all see how angry he was. He just got up and started clearing the table. When he was out of ear shot, Lynn turned to Jordan again.

-“I know I shouldn’t say this, but I really don’t like that girl.”

-“I have to admit; neither do I” Jordan smiled at her like they shared a secret.

-“She’s too much of a girl. A whiny, spoiled, attention seeking little girl who knows what she can get out of a relationship with my son. Justin needs a woman; a strong, independent woman, a woman that can be close to him, but still keep her identity. Someone to love him without being clingy and needy. I just don’t understand him sometimes.”

-“He’s just not thinking with his brain or his heart” Paul said. “He’ll get over it. It’s just a phase; chasing after the same girls he did when he first bacame successful. He’s confusing it with the real thing, but he has to grow up soon and see there’s more to it”

-“What was he like growing up?” Jordan asked.

-“Oh, he wasn’t much different then now. A little more arrogant, maybe. And going through his share of ladies. There’s no secret we want him to settle down, but not just with anyone who’s flavour of the week.”

-“She does love him, though” Jordan started, almost feeling the need to defend him.

-“But he doesn’t love her!” Lynn claimed with confidence, grabbing Jordan’s hand and looking at her sympathetically. "He doesn't love her. Believe me on this"

The next few weeks were hard for her. Justin was on tour in Europe with his girlfriend, parading her around in front of all the paparazzi. She found herself go so low as to surf perezhilton.com, just to see pictures of them. It was like a train wreck; she didn’t want to see it, but she couldn’t stay away. They were holding hands and kissing, and they looked very much in love.

He called her almost every morning, though, and that’s what kept her sane. Sometimes she even woke up at dawn, just waiting for the phone to ring. He never mentioned Jess, he just talked about the city he was in or the show he had done, and asked how she was doing. He asked about the furniture that had arrived for the nursery and insisted that she wouldn’t do anything about it until he was back and was able to help. 

She spent most of her days with Monica or Jack, she had even read a few scripts and started planning her way back in the industry after the baby was born. The house was lonely now that Justin wasn’t there to visit, so she found herself going out more for lunch or dinner. She missed him so much she even called up his mother for a chat. Lynn seemed so grateful for this, but Jordan felt that she was the one who needed it most. Just talking to her made her miss her own mother, but it also made her happy to see what kind of grand mother her baby would have.  

When Justin finally got home, he came over to visit only hours after he landed on LAX. She was excited like a school girl, and was walking back and forth in her living room before the bell finally rang. Just looking at his face on the monitor before she opened the gate was making her heart beat fast, and when she finally opened the door she threw her arms around him to greet him.

-“Oh, I’ve missed you so much baby!” he said as soon as he got in, and she almost fell over with pride. She was about to say ‘I missed you too’ until he put his hands on her tummy and she understood he was talking to the baby.

She settled for;-“It’s good to see you, Justin”

-“You’ve gotten so big, it feels like I’ve been gone for so long” he said stepping back to get a good look of her.

-“I know. So, obviously things were good in Europe?”

-“Eh. Good to be back, though” he shrugged. “I felt I had somewhere else to be the whole time I was there. The shows were cool, the paparazzi were a bit annoying, the interviews were way too predictable…”

-“Yeah, I saw” she said before she could stop herself.

He looked at her curiously.

-“How do you….?”

She blushed.

-“Fine, so I’ve read a few of them, not a big deal” she turned around to walk out to the poolside.

-“You’ve read my interviews?” He was still surprised.

-“You’re the father of my child, it’s nice to see what you’re up to” she shrugged, trying to make light of it. He smiled and ruffled her hair.

-“You’re so cute! So I guess you noticed how hard it was for me to keep them music related when all they really wanted to talk about was you and me and Jess and the whole situation”

-“That’s all they care about right now, that’s what sells. It will cool down eventually, though” she reassured him.

-“I’m not too sure about that, but…” he shrugged. “That’s my life now, no point in complaining when I have no choice in the matter anyway”

-“So, Jess happy about your paparazzi fling?” She hoped she didn’t sound as bitter as she was. He waited a while before answering.

-“I understand you don’t like her much, and I know it’s not likely you’ll be best friends anytime soon, but she’s trying to cope with this situation. It’s really hard for her, and I hate the fact that it’s my actions hurting her so much”

Okay, she wasn’t ready for a love confession from him about Jessica. She sat down in a chair and waited for Carmen to come out and offer drinks. Justin jumped a bit when he saw her.

-“I shouldn’t be surprised you have a maid, I’ve just never seen her before”

-“Yeah, I gave her a few weeks off when this thing was heating up. It’s not that I don’t trust her, but the fewer ears these walls had the better. I’ve never felt comfortable with private conversation when someone else is walking around. She’s only here a few hours a day anyway”

Carmen came out again, bringing a beer for Justin and water for Jordan.

-“I bought you something in London, by the way.” He lit up and went for a box in his bag.

-“Really?” she asked excitedly. She was used to gifts from men, but this was from Justin, that meant something completely different.

-“It’s not much, just a ‘nice to see you again’ thing”

He handed her the box and she opened it. It was two white wooden picture frames with red hearts on them. They were so adorable, and she let her fingers run over them.

-“Justin…” she just said.

-“I saw them and thought it would be perfect for the nursery, putting in the first pictures of her or something…” he laughed nervously, shrugging his shoulders.

-“Justin, they’re beautiful. Thank you.” She smiled at him and put her hand on his arm. He put his hand over hers and just looked at her. She was becoming more and more beautiful every day. The glow in her eyes, the discreet make-up, the sundresses… She had always been stunning, but now…

-“What’s wrong?” she asked as she felt him staring.

-“Nothing, you’re just… you’re…”

-“I’m what?” she asked suspicious.

He shook his head.

-“You look really beautiful.”

She blushed and looked down.

-“Uhm...Thanx…?”

-“You do. Pregnancy looks really good on you. You’re even more beautiful now then when I first met you”

She was just about to say something when Carmen showed up again.

-“I’m off home now, Miss Callister, if it’s nothing else you need”

-“I’m fine, Carmen, just go. I’ll see you tomorrow” she smiled and waived.   

-“So, what are these?” he asked pointing at the scripts on the table.

-“Ah, just trying to figure out my next project”

-“Anything you like?”

-“Yeah, actually, there’s one script here I really like, but the shooting will be in Thailand, and I think she’ll be too small to be exposed to that. I’ll keep to western countries at least for the first couple of years”

-“I can understand that. And the selfish part of me would really like you to stay closer to LA as well”

-“Yeah, I may decide not to do a movie for a while. It’s not like I need the money. I just wanne spend time with her, you know.”

-“So do I” he replied and she smiled at him.

-“What kind of parent do you think you will be?” he suddenly asked, looking at her curiously.

-“I…What do you mean? I don’t know, I…”

-“No, I just wondered, do you plan on spoiling her, or being strict…Do you want her growing up as a Hollywood child in private schools? All that sort of stuff…”

-“I don’t know…I don’t want her too spoiled, and I’m scared of exposing her too much to the Hollywood lifestyle, I mean look at all the celeb kids, in rehab before they turn 12, I don’t want that for her.”

-“I totally agree, but how do we avoid it? Her life will be spread all over the magazines, she’ll be treated differently by everyone in school if we put her in a public school, while in a private school she will hang around with other rich kids that have access to everything…”

-“It scares me to death too, Justin, and I really don’t have any experience in raising a kid. I grew up quite common, but you… I don’t want to be rude, since you turned out the way you did, but the odds are not in the favour of a child celebrity”

-“I know. But my mom is the one to thank for my seemingly normal upbringing. She made sure I stayed away from the things kids shouldn’t be exposed to, and she did a great job”

-“Yeah, she did.”

-“I think the most important part is to be present. I think that’s where so many fail. I think we should try to put together our schedules, so that when you’re filming I’m home and when I’m on tour you’ll be home, or something like that. I love the fact you don’t want a full time nanny, I’d rather have friends and family watch her when needed.”

-“Yeah, but I don’t have…”

-“I have lots, Jordan, enough to share around. And they’ll all be there for us, helping us raise her the way we want to.”

-“I don’t want her to go to kindergarten or school up here in the hills. I’d really prefer to move to a small town, somewhere they don’t really care who she is and what her parents do.”

-“If you do decide to do that, I’ll go with you” he said determined and her jaw dropped to the floor. Was he serious? He looked at her shocked face.

-“I mean, I can get like a house close to you, and divide my time between there and LA. Where were you thinking of going? Back to North Dakota?”

-“God, no! I don’t have too many pleasant memories from that area…”

-“So, how ‘bout Tennessee? I’ve always planned on buying a house there, and my parents would be close, and…” he started to get exited, and she smiled at him.

-“Maybe Tennessee… It doesn’t seem too bad. I like the south. I have a few years to think about it, though.”

-“Yeah… Tennessee would be cool… “ he drifted away in thoughts.

She just continued to look at him and smile. Right now she felt like everything would be alright. She would be truly happy for the first time in her life, she would have a family, she would have friends and people who truly cared. This was her turn to shine, shine in the way she always wanted to, not in a movie or on the red carpet, but at home with her child.  

Justin got up from his seat a couple of hours later.

-“I should be getting home, I have some unpacking to do, and the time difference…”

-“Sure” she said, getting up herself. She was getting so big she needed to use both hands to lift her off the chair.

Justin smiled and offered her his hand. He kept it in his as they walked together towards the door. He took her in his arm and gave her a long hug, stroking her back affectionately. Then he pulled away and held her face in his hands looking into her eyes.

He couldn’t get over how beautiful she was, her eyes were mesmerizing, her smile was so infectious. He suddenly remembered how her lips felt like when he kissed her by impulse that day a few weeks ago. They were so soft and warm, and so welcoming. He couldn’t help his eyes drifting down to look at her lips again. And when she bit her bottom lip, he had problems controlling himself.

-“Jordan, I…” he started, but got interrupted by the door bell. It took her a few seconds before she took a step back and walked the two steps to the monitor on the wall.

She continued to look at him as she pressed the button and just simply said;-“Yeah…?”

-“Jordan, open up, let me in” he could hear the voice from the intercom. And then he saw the expression in her face again, the one he had only seen once before, the look of pure horror. He watched her starting to breathe heavily, backing up towards the wall.

-“No no no no…” was all he could hear her mumbling while shaking her head. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.-“It’s not… No, it’s… He’s not…Oh, God…”

Justin walked over to her, curious to see what scared her so badly.

-“Jordan…” he started

-“No…This isn’t…” She was in a trance, talking to herself, and he started to get scared now. He didn’t know how to handle this situation. He looked over at the screen and saw a middle aged man standing outside the gate staring at the camera. He said something, but the microphone wasn’t on anymore.

Justin could do nothing but look between her and the screen, totally bewildered. He assumed it was her father, seeing those light blue eyes that looked exactly like the once he had just been staring into. He touched her arm gently to move away her hands from her face, but she shook him away.

-“No no no…” She continued to mumble and her breath was getting shorter. He tried to take his arms around her, but she once again pushed him away and started running up the stairs to the first floor.

He had no choice but to run after her, and found her frantically trying to push some buttons on the wall, her hands shaking too much to do it successfully. He knew he had to calm her down, and said her name once again before he touched her shoulder. She screamed and turned around, the scream of an animal being caught by a hunter, the kind of scream that would break glass, the scream of a mouse being eaten by a snake. This was the purest form of panic he had ever seen, and he cursed himself for not knowing how to confront it.

Her arms were punching in the air, some of her punches hitting him quite hard, but he didn’t notice the pain. As she fell down on the floor he manage to catch her before she hit it, and this time he held her so tight she had no chance of getting out of his grip.

-“Jordan! Look at me! Look at me, Jordan!”

He sounded desperate, and he felt that way too. He held her down with his knees, and forced her face up to his with his hands. There was no way of getting contact with her. She had trouble breathing, and he recognized a panic attack coming. He had struggled with them himself for years, so he was a bit more familiar with this, but this was a degree stronger than he had ever experienced.

-“Jordan, it’s me; Justin! I’m not gonna hurt you, baby! He’s not gonna hurt you! I’m here, okay, look at me! Please! Come on, Jordan!” He was afraid she was going into shock and debated to pull out his phone and call an ambulance. Then she suddenly opened her eyes and stared at him.

-“Justin?”

He could barely hear her quiet whisper, but he could read her lips. He sighed with relief.

-“It’s me, baby, don’t worry. He’s not here, it’s me. I’m not letting him hurt you.”

She crawled into his arm and he held her tight as her breathing was stabilizing.

-“Justin…” she said a little louder. “Where… Is he still…”

-“He’s not getting in, baby. There is no way he can get in.” He pulled her up in his arms, steadying her to stand, but her legs wouldn’t carry her. She was like spaghetti in his arms, so he lifted her up like a baby to carry her into her bedroom.

It was when he turned around he saw the open door on the other side of the hallway. He had been there many times before and could not remember seeing a room there. He glanced in as he carried her past it, and almost dropped her when he looked inside. A hidden room, a safe place, a panic room, he thought, almost overtaken by nausea. Oh my God, this is more fucked up than I ever could imagine, he thought to himself, hurrying her over to her room, gently laying her in her bed.

She didn’t loose her grip around his neck and pulled him down with her.

-“Don’t leave me, Justin, please… Stay, please!” she begged desperately and he lay down next to her, holding her tight.

-“I’m right here, Jordan” he whispered. “I’m not leaving you”

He was amazed how she could get like this, and still there were no signs of tears in her eyes, only fear. Her grip on his shirt was so tight and he tried to loosen it, but her strength was not of this world.

When she finally loosened it, she just replaced it for a grip in his hair, equally strong, pulling his face towards her. Then her lips were on his, desperate and hungry, and he had no chance but to give in. She opened his mouth with her tongue, letting it slide inside with a passion stronger than he had ever felt before.

His head told him to stop it, this was so wrong, and this would cause so many problems in the aftermath. But he couldn’t, he got so caught up in it, and even in this situation it felt so good, and he found himself kissing her back just as desperately.

She whispered his name in between kisses, moaning softly when his hand led his own life and started to stroke her bare thigh under her dress.   

He stopped it before they went too far. He didn’t have to push her away, but he managed to make his hands stay over her clothes and holding on to her back instead. Thankfully she didn’t try to do more either, because he didn’t know if he could stop it if she did.

He wanted so badly to touch her, and for her to touch him, he wanted another shot at making her satisfied, he wanted to feel a stronger connection to her, but he knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. What just happened would make things difficult enough for them already, and to mix sex into it…. Nothing good would come from it.

She had fallen asleep in his arms, her grip a bit looser, but she was still holding on to him in her sleep. He looked at her face, and was happy to find it at least close to peaceful. He continued to stroke her hair while she was sleeping, unable to close his eyes himself.

What the hell had happened? He had so many questions, but there was no right time to ask her. She had gone from a panic attack and struggling in his arms to kiss him frantically and holding on for dear life. Why did she do that? He understood she felt safe with him, and that was so important in the situation they were in, but the passion she showed tonight? He had never seen her like that, not even the time he had slept with her. What had happened to this woman? What had the man he was sure must be her father done to her? Would she really be this terrified of someone who had just slapped her around a few times when she was a child?

He wanted to help her, but wasn’t sure he was strong enough for that. She had scared him so much tonight, yet he still ended up kissing her and touching her in a way he shouldn’t. And he had wanted more. Jess entered his mind, but somehow he didn’t even feel bad about what he had done. Well, he felt bad, but not because of Jess, but because he felt he had taken advantage of Jordan and her vulnerable state.

This was the last thing she needed, and he wondered how she would act in the morning. He dreaded the time when the sun would rise and they needed to confront the issue. He had a feeling she would be quite freaked out. Everything looked different in the morning; the nights were always filled with so much emotion, while the mornings changed it all around.

He wanted to leave, to forget it ever happened, even though he knew it would be impossible. But she expected him to stay, he promised her he would.

He didn’t know how long he had been awake thinking when she started wincing quietly. At first he took it for normal sleeping sounds, but soon he understood she was crying in her sleep. He pulled her in closer and started to whisper in her ear.

-“Jordan, relax, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you, baby” And he knew he wasn’t just trying to comfort her when he said it, he meant it with all his heart.

Her body started to shake mildly, and soon she got short breathed again. He tried to slap her chin carefully; he wanted her to wake up from what was obviously a bad dream. His voice got a bit louder as he said her name repeatedly, and finally her eyes flew open and the fear was back.

She wiggled her body to get out of his grip, and this time he let her go. He saw her body curl into a ball with her back to his, still shaking and shivering, holding on to her knees. He crawled up to her again, putting his whole body around her, holding her hand and kissing her neck.

-“Justin…” he heard her voice crack, and the shivering continued into loud crying. She cried so hard she had trouble breathing, and all he could do was hold her until she was all cried out.

-“Let it out, baby, let it all out.” He whispered, kissing her neck again. He slid his hand between her knees and tummy and rubbed the little bump. He was afraid what this would do to the little baby, both as a foetus and when she was born. It surely couldn’t be good.

When her crying calmed down and got reduced to quiet sobs, he decided it was the time to get some answers. It would be too late in the morning when she had a chance of collecting herself, he needed to catch her in the emotional state she was in now.

-“Jordan, you need to talk to me” he said slowly, to make sure she heard his words. He felt her stiffen, and the sobbing stopped. He thought the breathing stopped for a while there too, and he waited for her to reply. When she didn’t say anything, he continued.

-“That was your father, wasn’t it?”

He felt her crawling even more into a ball, but still no words.

-“Jordan, was that your father? You have to answer me! You’re scaring the shit out of me here!” He didn’t mean to come off so harsh, but somehow it seemed to wake her up. She nodded slowly and he heard a wince escape from her mouth.

-“I need to know what he has done to you, baby, why you are so afraid of him. You need to tell me…”

-“No…” she barely whispered, shaking her head repeatedly.

-“If not for me, then for this little one” he rubbed her tummy again, while his other hand started stroking her hair, calming down the head shaking.

-“No, Justin, you don’t understand…”

He had to concentrate to hear her whispers even though his head was right behind hers.

-“He beat you, didn’t he?” He went straight to the point. She nodded slowly again. He needed to get her into this conversation.

-“When was the last time you saw him?”

-“Seven years ago…”

Finally, he thought. Finally at least one answer.

-“Has he tried to contact you other times?”

-“Yes”

-“Has he showed up here before?”

-“No…Just phone… Messages to my staff…”

-“Is this why you have such a strong security system?”

When she didn’t answer he kissed her neck again and whispered ‘baby?’ into her ear. It seemed to do the trick.

-“Yes”

Good, he got a vocal answer, not just the nodding. He kissed her shoulder next.

-“Are you afraid he’s gonna beat you up again?”

-“No, I…Justin…” she pleaded to get him to stop his questions.

-“Jordan, no…I need to know this…”

-“You don’t” she said a little louder.

-“Why are you afraid of him? What are you afraid he’s gonna do?”

-“Don’t…”

-“Come on, baby, it’s me…You need to let me in! What has he done? What did he do to you?”

-“Justin, I can’t…”

-“Yes, you can! You can tell me.” He kissed the corner of her wet eye.

-“You don’t understand…If I tell you…”

-“What? If you tell me, then what? You think I’m gonna think less of you? I won’t, baby.”

-“Last time I told someone they ended up dead”

Her voice was hallow, and she said it both loud and slowly.It sent chills down his spine and immediately his hands stopped stroking her.   

-“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked slowly.

-“Exactly what I said” she answered short. “He’s a dangerous man”

-“I…He…Are you saying he’s a murderer?” Oh, my God, what kind of fucked up family have I gotten myself into. My child’s grand father is a fucking lunatic!

-“I’m saying he is nobody you want to get involved in.”

-“I wasn’t planning on getting involved, I just wanne know what made you this….” He stopped himself before he said too much.

-“…crazy?” she asked. She was back to being cold now, gone was the emotional wreck, back was the ice queen. She wriggled herself out of his grip and got up.

-“What are you…” he started as she walked out of the bedroom.

She was still scared to be in this dark house alone, but right now she was even more scared of being in his arms. He must be lying there cursing the day he met me, she thought.

She had said too much. She had let him get too close, and now she had to pay for it. She had said it to shut him up, but what she did at the same time was pushing him away. And, oh my god, she suddenly remembered; She kissed him! Not only kissed him, but attacked him, throwing herself at him… If he had made any move to do more, she would have let herself go and given herself to him, but of course he didn’t. Pity kissing, she would call it. He felt sorry for her, or was scared of her or something… But he didn’t want to sleep with her. Just look where it got him last time. Now embarrassment was mixed into her emotions too.

She stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall, holding her hands over her face. Why did he have to see her like this? Why couldn’t she be fucking normal? She had spent her entire life pretending to be normal, putting up an act so no one would know what had happened. And she did it well. But with Justin she couldn’t fake it anymore. He was there, in her life, and for the first time in her life she couldn’t become this other person. That’s why she hadn’t let people get close, because when they would see her true self, they would run away like lightening.

 She felt his hand on her shoulder and jumped.

-“Jordan, I’m not done talking to you”

-“Too bad, ‘cause I’m done talking to you” She didn’t even look at him when she said it. He grabbed her face with his hands and forced her eyes up at his.

-“I’m not letting you close off like this again, not after everything that happened last night. We are having a baby together for fuck’s sake! I think communicating is a bit important here!” he sounded so desperate, almost angry.

He grabbed both her elbows and dragged her back into the bedroom, sat her down on the bed and sat himself down next to her. His face was serious and he spoke slowly and firm.

-“I’m sure you can appreciate the fact that I’m a concerned father, and you need to elaborate what you were trying to tell me.”

-“What I was trying not to tell you, you mean” she looked down on her hands, feeling defeated.

-“If he is gonna be my kid’s grand father I have a right to know what kind of person he is.”

-“He’s not getting anywhere close to her, Justin, I promise you that.”

-“Who did he kill?” He was pushing her to the limit now.

-“I don’t know if he did.”

-“Why do you think he did?”

-“Because she died. She had no reason to…” she whispered, more to herself than to him.

Ok, he was getting closer, he couldn’t give up now.

-“Who died, Jordan? Who died?”

When she didn’t answer he put his forehead against hers and sighed.

-“Come on, Jordan. Who died?”

-“Mommy….” she whispered, her lips shaking and her eyes getting watery again.

-“You don’t think she ki…took her own life?” he asked, careful not to sound insensitive. She quickly looked up at him surprised that he knew. Of course he had checked up on her, of course he had found ways to find out more about her when she was so reluctant to talk about her family. It was only precautions from his side. He needed to know what he would have to deal with in the future, even though the future came quicker and was more surreal and terrifying than ever expected.  

She shook her head to answer his question.

-“Why?”

-“It was the day after I told her…”He sighed, he started to put the pieces together and the truth he was making out in his head made his blood go cold.

-“He did more than hit you, didn’t he?” He once again used his eyes to make her open up, staring her down, knowing well that he got to her. She nodded while keeping her eyes locked with his.

-“Did he…touch you…” The question he dreaded the answer to, but he needed to know. It would explain so much.

He swallowed hard when she nodded, closing his eyes and pulling her to his chest.

-“God, Jordan…” He didn’t know what else to say, he had suspected it, but getting the confirmation…

He didn’t want to hear more about it right now, he had heard enough, and she had admitted enough for one night. He would let it go for now, a little closer to understanding her, but even more afraid of being close to her. If it wasn’t for her carrying his child…he would have run out of there as fast as he could. This was just too much for him to handle.

-“Please, Justin, don’t ask me anymore. I’m not ready for that”

Neither was he, so he was content with letting it go for now.

He waited for hours for her to fall asleep again. When she finally did, he had made up his mind about what to do, and he had to do it now before she woke up. She’d probably hate him for it, but it wasn’t only about her anymore. Trace was right; this was bigger than he would be able to sort out himself.

He slowly got out of bed and walked downstairs, finding his cell phone on the table. He called the only one he could think of. 

-“Mom, hi! Did I wake you?”

-“Justin! No, I’m up. What’s going on?” She could hear the anxiety in his voice.

-“Uhm…Something has come up… Can you get over here?”

-“Where? LA? Justin, what happened? Are you okay?” She sounded scared.

-“Yeah, no, I’m fine, it’s not me…”

-“Oh, God! Jordan? The baby? Something happened to the baby?”

-“No no! She’s fine, the baby is fine, I think… I just need you to come to LA for a while. To…to stay with Jordan. She has…some issues, and I don’t know how to help, and I was thinking of you, and I know you two got along, that she seems to trust you, and she doesn’t really have anyone else, and I don’t know how to handle this, and…”

-“Justin! Stop rambling! What issues?”

-“Her past is catching up with her. Listen, mom, I can’t really say anything right now, I’ll explain more when you get here. I just need some help, I don’t know what to do” he started to break down and Lynn couldn’t hear anything else than his sobs on the other line.

She understood he was desperate, he wouldn’t have asked something like this if it wasn’t utterly important. She wouldn’t waste time making him tell her more, she’d find out in time. Her son needed her and she’d go through fire for him.

-“I’ll be there on the next plane, Jus” she said quietly.

She hadn’t called him Jus since he was a little kid, but that’s exactly what he was again now; a kid who needed his mommy. She felt an almost grotesque satisfaction in being able to be a mom for him again, maybe for the last time before he became a father himself and needed to figure out ways to be there for his own daughter. 

 When Justin hung up the phone he couldn’t stop crying. He cried so hard he almost lost his breath. He cried for Jordan, he cried for himself, but most of all he cried for his unborn child and the seemingly dysfunctional environment she’d be forced to grow up in.    

He dried his eyes and went in to the bathroom to wash his face. He stared at his reflection in the mirror; he looked like shit. He walked back into the bedroom, staring at the creature curled up in her sleep.

Oh, Jordan he thought, shaking his head. He didn’t know whether to climb back into bed with her or leave her alone. What would she think if he wasn’t there next to her in the morning? I’m not strong enough for this.

He stood there for what felt like hours, just watching her sleep, trying to make a decision. But when she stirred in her sleep whispering his name, the decision was made for him. Without a word he got in behind her and put his arms around her and her breath immediately steadied again.

How would she react when she found out he had called in the forces? That his mother was on her way to LA to talk to her, to take care of her, to try to sort her out? Would she let her? Would she be angry?I’m not strong enough for this. This is why I date the easy, bubbly girls with no real worries except what designer dress to wear to a party.  

He couldn’t sleep for another second that night; he just lay there waiting for the first ray of light and for her to wake up to something she probably wished she’d never have to wake up to. And he felt his nerves when she finally started to move and stretched a little, moaning and mumbling a little before she stiffened.Now she’s starting to remember. Now she knows it’s me behind her. Now she is starting to realise what she did and said last night…

He didn’t let her on to the fact that he was awake, just waited for her reaction, hoping it would somehow give him a clue how to proceed. 

She slowly got out of bed, but he couldn’t see her facial expression as his eyes remained close. He could hear her short breath and the fumbling on the floor before she stopped. He opened his eyes and saw her standing with her head against the wall, her hands covering her forehead. Her dress from last night was full of wrinkles, her hair was a mess, and her whole body was shivering.

When he snuck up behind her and put his arms around her once again, she took a deep breath and leaned her head back against him, as if she had expected him to do this.

-“Can you give me some time alone, Justin?” she whispered, and he nodded, letting his hands trace her arms.

-“I will. I’ll let you get some time to think about all of this, to process it, but then we’ll have a talk. A long, honest talk. I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.” he said, walking backwards away from her, noticing her refusal to look at him.

-“Thank you” she breathed, not moving at all.  

He walked out in the garden, stripped down to his boxers and was just about to get in to the pool when he heard his phone ring. He took it out of his jeans pocket and saw Jessica’s number on the display. He sighed and put it back again. She was the last person he wanted to think about right now, let alone talk to.

He dived into the water and started swimming. He had never been much of a swimmer, but this time he just couldn’t stop. He swam back and forth as quickly as he could, feeling the chill water cleanse him of all the sweat from the previous night. When he finally stopped he automatically looked up at the window to her bedroom, finding her behind the curtain staring at him. He held her gaze as he got out of the water and dried himself with a towel. He tilted his head to gesture for her to come down, and she stepped away from the window.

A few moments later she stood there next to him in a sweat suit, her eyes staring at her naked feet.

-“You want some coffee?” he said as he lightly grabbed her arm and took her to the kitchen. He poured two cups and gave her one.

-“So…” he started and finally she looked up at him from the chair she was curled up in, and he could see fear, embarrassment and…relief?

-“I’m sorry you had to see that” she started.

-“See what? Your father? You crying? You getting a panic attack?” He sat down next to her and raised his hand to put on her knee but decided against it.

-“I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry about what I told you. I’m sorry I’m not the woman you thought I was”

-“I’ve never thought you were the woman you pretended to be. What you told me last night actually makes me understand you more. I don’t want you to be embarrassed, this is not your fault, ok?”

She looked down on her knees again.

-“I know” she shrugged. He took her face in his hands to force it up.

-“It’s not your fault, Jordan!” he said firmly, wanting it to get through her head. She smiled weakly.

-“Are we having a Good Will Hunting moment?” she asked, breaking the thick tension between them. He laughed lightly and stroked her cheek, thankful to her for giving them a chance to breathe and relax again.

-“You need to get some help” he said before he could stop herself and her face fell.

-“I understand you’re afraid for the sake of our baby. You think I’m a complete nutcase that will fuck up your daughter’s life, and you’ve probably already thought of calling your lawyer to see if you can get full custody.”

He didn’t answer; she wasn’t that far away from the truth. But he wanted to give her a chance to sort herself out, to get to terms with her childhood memories.

-“I’m not crazy, Justin” she looked at him again .”I’m not crazy. I may have some issues to deal with, but I’m not… incapable of taking care of a child.”

-“I know that. But you need help, you need to talk to someone”

-“I’m not talking to a shrink, Justin. I’ve done that, it didn’t help, I’m not…”

He raised his hand to stop her.

-“You may get angry at me for what I have to tell you right now, Jordan, but I need you to do this for our baby, for me and for yourself.”

-“What?” she said suspicious.

-“I’ve…uhm…asked my mum to come over here for a while…”

-“Why…?” He could hear the tension in her voice.

-“You need someone to talk to, and I don’t know if I’m the right person. Maybe you find it easier to open up to a woman, a motherly figure, a… I don’t know. I just want you to try, let her stay with you for a few days, she’s a great person to talk to, she’s so understanding, she gives great advice and she’s an amazing listener. Just open up to her, please, just…do something…” he pleaded her, feeling almost pathetic as he did this, but to his surprise she nodded.

-“Okay” she sighed, and he looked at her stunned. Was it really that easy to convince her?

-“Okay?” he asked, to make sure he hadn’t misunderstood her, but she nodded again.

-“Okay, she can stay here for a few days. I can’t promise you anything, but I’ll do my best.”

He threw his arms around her and held her close.

-“Baby, what you’ve been through… I don’t know how to react to this…I really don’t know what to say…No child should ever have to experience that, and I’m so sorry you did! I’m not gonna ask you for details about…his actions or about your mother’s…death, but if you ever want to tell me, I’ll be here to listen. The two of us are now linked for life…” he looked at her and smiled “…and your happiness is important to me. You are important to me. And I’m trying to be the man you need me to be, I just don’t know how to. I need you to tell me what more I can do.”

-“You’re amazing, Justin” she smiled through her watery eyes. “You’re everything you should be, and I’ll always be sorry for putting you in this situation. You shouldn’t have to take care of me, you shouldn’t have to worry about me…This is not your battle…”

-“Maybe not, but if you just let me I’ll fight this one with you.”

She nodded again, and he continued.

-“We need to figure out what to do with…your father…” he was reluctant to call him that, a father would never do the things he had done to his daughter. “…We can’t risk him showing up here again. Maybe you could get a restraining order?” he suggested.

-“I have that” she answered.

-“Then… Why don’t you call the police?”

-“’Cause this will then be all over the press, and I don’t think I can handle that. And he hasn’t done this for a while, mostly it’s just phone calls. No matter how many times I change my number, he always manages to get a hold of it. The security system in this house will keep him away”

-“I know it will, but sometimes, like last night, you’ll be scared he will find a way to get in anyway. You can’t live in fear the rest of your life. What does he want, though? What can he possibly think he will gain by pressure you to see him? Money?”

She shook her head.-“I don’t know…Probably…”

He ran his hand through her hair again.

-“We’ll figure something out. We’ll find a way to get rid of him forever.”And his mind started to spin all kinds of solutions.  

-“Do you wanne come with me to the airport to pick her up?” Justin asked as he was putting on his jacket. She shrugged.

-“I’m fine” she said, but he could see that she wasn’t.

They had spent the whole day just hanging out and talking about everything and nothing, trying to get both their minds away from the dark cloud hanging over them. She never asked him to stay, and he never asked her if she wanted him to, because both of them knew he was not gonna leave.

-“I don’t want you to be alone. Please come with me”

She nodded.

-“Okay. Just give me two seconds.” She left him in the hallway and showed up again two minutes later in jeans and a t-shirt.

They walked in silence to his car, and he opened her door before he got in on her side, a gesture that made her smile, which again made him smile. He had wondered all day whether he should bring up the fact that she kissed him last night. Not only kissed him, but heavily making out with him, almost to the point of no return. But he decided against it, she had enough on her plate, and he knew this would just make her more embarrassed than she already was. Obviously it was just her way of getting her mind of things, getting lost in a different feeling than fear, he shouldn’t read more into it than what it was all about. He was still thinking about it, though, her extreme passion and her warm and hungry lips, the taste of her tongue playing with his. God, it hadn’t been easy to stop it there, but he knew he had done the right thing.

When they got to the airport he called up his mum to ask her to go over to the parking lot to meet them, doing what he could to avoid the paparazzi. Lynn was surprised to find them both there, she had hoped to get Justin alone so he would get a chance to explain things a bit, but that would be harder now.

Jordan moved to the back and sat in silence while listening to Justin and Lynn chit chat about nothing, pretending there was no particular reason she had been brought in to town.

When Justin let the women off he stayed in the car for a few minutes to breathe before he headed back on the road.Please, let my mum be able to help her 

He needed to be alone, he didn’t even want to talk to Trace, so he drove by a liquor store and bought himself a bottle of Whiskey, bringing it down to the beach and sat down taking a large sip.

He sat there for hours with his thoughts, getting more and more drunk from the brown liquid in his hand.

When he finally got up he had problems standing on his feet, but he still stumbled over to his car and put it in drive. He knew he was too drunk to drive, but he didn’t care.

When he got into his house he met a surprised Trace in the hallway.

-“Justin, where…” he started, but Justin interrupted.

-“Not now, Trace. Tomorrow, okay?”

-“You drunk?” Trace looked at him concerned.

-“Yeah” he simply answered and continued towards his bedroom.

-“Jess is here” he whispered, and Justin stopped but didn’t turn around.

-“Tell her to leave” he said as he slammed the door behind him and locked it. 

When he fell asleep that night he was hunted by a nightmare.

He saw a room much like the rooms they had decorated for their daughter. Jordan was in the bed and her father was standing over her. His hand started on her foot and moved it’s way up, taking her skirt with him. He heard her cry, but he couldn’t move from the doorway. All he could do was watch as her father climbed in next to her, sliding his large hand over her breast and her large tummy. He wanted to say something, ask him to stop, go over there and beat the crap out of him, but he couldn’t move, he was completely helpless, just like her.She looked over at him with her eyes wide open.-“You can’t help me, Justin” she said in a cold voice just as her father started to open up the buttons on her shirt. Why couldn’t he move? What was wrong with him?Suddenly the image changed, and now there was a little girl in that bed, but the man was still the same. He felt chills down his spine when the little child started crying into her hands, trying to keep her legs closed. The old man turned around and smiled at him, smiled at the fact that he was standing right there but unable to stop what was happening.The little girl winced again and looked straight at him with pleading eyes, large brown pleading eyes, halfway hidden behind long, brown, curly hair.-“Help me, daddy!” she cried, and he tried to move, he tried with all the power he had. Then he tried to look away, but there was these forces that made him keep looking.-“He’s hurting me, daddy, help me!” she cried louder, stretching her arms towards him. Her eyes stared at him with disappointment, he had let her down. He couldn’t save her; he couldn’t stop this from happening. All he could do was watch.

He woke up with a gasp, all out of breath, looking around him as to make sure the dream wasn’t real. Then he ran as fast as he could to the bathroom, falling down next to the toilet and started to throw up.  

A whole week went by without Justin visiting Jordan. He talked to his mother on the phone every day, and a couple of times he ended up chatting with Jordan as well. Not much, and not about anything specific, just to hear her voice and ask how she was doing. Lynn kept him updated on the things he needed to know, but the rest was between the women.

It was a tough week, he didn’t feel he had anyone to talk too, and it ate him up inside. He had said a few things to Trace, but left out the making out part and the worst details about her childhood. Trace knew there was more to the story, but he didn’t push. He knew Justin would let him know when he felt it was time.

Jess was another story; she was starting to be very whiney and angry. She was never happy when he didn’t answer his phone, and that happened more and more lately. She was furious when paparazzi photos of Jordan and Lynn shopping in Beverly Hills ended up on Perez. He was tired of telling her it wasn’t any of her business, when he knew that it definitely was.

It was obvious to both of them that their relationship was singing on its last chorus, but he managed to give her just enough attention to stay with him. He was fully aware how bad of a boyfriend he was, and it almost annoyed him that she stayed, but she had come to terms with the fact that he was calling the shots. They met up whenever he felt like it, and he came and went as he pleased. He constantly wondered how far he could push her before she was on her way out of his life. 

After a rather boring week-end that ended up in a classy LA club, he drove up to Jordan’s house to pick her up for her doctor’s appointment. He was excited to see her, see if she had changed in any kind of way, see if his mother had made a miracle.

When she opened the door he immediately determined that her face was less sad than when he left her last time. Her eyes were actually glowing when she looked at him, and he couldn’t do anything but to pull her into an embrace.

-“How are you doing, beautiful?” he asked and stepped back to take a good look at her.

She smiled.-“I’m doing okay. It’s good to see you, though”

Lynn stepped into the hallway and came over to give her son a hug.

-“Jus! How are you? You look a bit scruffy! Are you eating enough?”

He laughed at his mother, but didn’t want to mention that the reason he looked like he did was because of lack of sleep and too much booze.

-“So, you wanne come with us, mom?” he asked and she smiled.

-“Really?”

-“Yeah, maybe I’ll even take you lovely ladies out for dinner afterwards. What do you say, Jordan?”

-“Sounds perfect, Justin. Lynn?”

-“Of course! I’d love to!”

She took her arms around both of them as they walked towards Justin’s car in the driveway. 

-“Everything looks fine, miss Callister. The baby is healthy and doing great. How are you feeling?” the doctor asked.

-“I’m good, thank you. I’ve been lucky, my pregnancy has been easy compared to all the stories I have heard. It’s starting to get a bit heavy, though” she laughed.

-“Well, you only have another 3 months to go. It’s good to see you have so much family around” he said and looked at Justin and Lynn.

-“It’s my first grand child, so excuse me for being overly excited!” she smiled and the doctor laughed.

He had been the one to give them the news that she was pregnant, and he had been there to watch their relationship grow from not standing each other to grow deeply fond of each other. It warmed his heart to see the little family in front of him now.  

They joked and laughed all the way to the Ivy, not caring about all the photographers outside. The paparazzi went wild; this was definitely a picture that would make them rich; Justin Timberlake, his mother and his baby’s mother, who happened to be one of the biggest movie stars in the world.

-“Jordan! How is the baby? When are you due?”

-“Justin! How is Jessica? Are you guys over?”

-“Jordan! Are you and Justin together now?”

-“Mrs Harless! Do you approve of this illegitimate child?”

They ignored every single one of them, pretending they weren’t there.   

His mother looked composed, she had been exposed to this part of Justin’s life for so long, but it didn’t mean she didn’t get annoyed on his behalf.

-“My goodness, how can you ever get used to that?” she asked as they sat down at a table.

-“You get used to it, you just learn not to let it bother you” Jordan said quietly.

-“It’s not real, that’s what I have to tell myself. These people don’t know us, so it doesn’t matter what they think.”

-“The horrible things they shout out? Takes a lot of strength to not tell them off. In the old days, you’d have…”

-“I’ve learned that just makes it worse. That’s what they want, they want some kind of reaction, they don’t shout out those questions because they really wanne know, they just want to see how far they can push to get a reaction. That’s all they’re really after, just the best picture to sell and make them rich” Justin sighed.

-“I’ll never understand that my son’s love life is of national interest” she giggled, and Justin laughed with her.

-“It’s not only me, it’s the women in my life.”

-“Speaking of; how is the lovely Jess” Lynn did nothing to hide her dislike of his girlfriend.

-“She’s fine, mom. She can’t wait to see you guys at thanksgiving” Justin said and Lynn’s jaw dropped.

-“What? Is she…You haven’t told us…You never said….”

Justin laughed at his mother’s reaction.

-“Relax, mom, she’s not coming, I’m only joking with you. She’ll be with her own family. I wouldn’t want you to go out of your way to play nice to her”

-“Oh, good!” she exhaled. “Not that I don’t like her, it’s just…” she hurried to correct herself.

-“You don’t like her. You’ve made that clear a bunch of times. You’re not very subtle, you know”

-“She’s not a horrible person, she’s just…She’s like those girls you used to date in high school. I’m sure she must have some kind of depth; I just haven’t seen it yet. And believe me; I’ve tried!”

Jordan sat silent throughout their whole discussion, feeling a bit out of place listening to her baby’s father’s mom talk about his girlfriend. Families in the 21st century, she thought.

-“What do you say, Jordan? You’ve met her, right?” she suddenly asked and Jordan was taking a bit aback.

-“I…I don’t…I don’t really think I’m in any position to discuss Justin’s girlfriend. I’m sure she must be a nice girl if Justin loves her.” She shrugged and pretended that this didn’t affect her, even though she felt sick to her stomach just thinking about her.

Justin didn’t say anything, just shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

 I wonder if he knows I love him, she thought. I wonder if he thinks about that night last week, the way our lips fit, the way his hands caressed me…I wonder if it was all just a bad nightmare for him.

She looked up at him and suddenly felt naked as he stared back at her. She felt like he could read her mind, she couldn’t hide from him, she couldn’t play any games. He had seen the real her, the craziness, the sadness, the troubled woman that she was. No wonder why he wanted a happy, bubbly, girly woman instead. Jess was the opposite of Jordan, and that’s what he had chosen; the easy life. She had let him in too close, and she knew he was terrified about what he had seen. She never should have let that happen.

-“Ooookay!” Justin said with a sigh to break the silence that was hanging over the table. “Enough about my boring life. Tell me what you ladies have been up to this week!”

And they started to talk about their shopping, Lynn trying to teach her to cook, the look on Jack’s face when he had ran into Lynn in the kitchen thinking she was the new maid…

They kept laughing and talking and Justin sat back and just listened to them, enjoying the fact that they got along as well as they did.  When he had talked to his mom on the phone she had explained that they needed to take some time to get to know each other better before she could expect Jordan to confide in her. She was on her way, though, Justin could sense in the way Jordan behaved towards his mother that she was starting to see her as a friend.

-“Talking about thanksgiving, though…” Lynn started. “We actually had a chat about it, and I told Jordan that I wanted her to join us. But since she is going to be 8 months pregnant at the time, she can’t really fly, so we…kind of made the decision to have the dinner here. In LA…”

Jordan looked at Justin nervously. She didn’t want to impose, but it had sounded so natural when Lynn suggested it, she didn’t even think about what Justin would feel about it.

-“Oh…Okay… Dad and Gramma okay with it? Where will it be? Will it be at my place, or…”

Jordan could see how uncomfortable he was with the whole thing.

-“You know, it’s probably better if you do it in Tennessee. It’s not a big deal” she said. “The rest of your family is there and… “

-“Nonsense!” Lynn interrupted. “I’m not going to miss my first thanksgiving dinner with my first grand child! We’ll all be coming over here!”

Lynn took Jordan’s hand in hers.

“We’re your family now, sweetie.”

Jordan felt he tears burning behind her eyes and blinked them away before she looked at Justin again. She hoped he understood that this wasn’t her idea.

-“Alright. I’m not back from tour until the day before, though. But I guess I could get some caterers…”

-“Oh, Justin!” Maggie smiled. “You don’t have grocery stores in LA? I’ll do the cooking, as always. Don’t make this into a big problem. We could have the dinner anywhere, as long as we’re together!”

Ok, so his mom loved Jordan. He was happy about it, but it just felt weird. It was still a lot of tension between them, especially after last week’s happenings, and this was a little too much for him to swallow. Besides, what the hell would Jess say when she found out? She was pissed off enough that he hadn’t told her his mother was visiting. She had expressed how much she wanted to take Lynn out shopping, having a girl’s day out with her. And now thanksgiving? She’d be furious. Oh, God forbid, she might even demand that she’d join them…  

He saw him as soon as he walked out the door. He was behind the paparazzi, but he was walking quickly towards them. Justin stiffened and without looking behind him he used his hands to push both ladies further back.

-“Mom, take Jordan, get the car!” He threw the key at her and stared back at the man getting closer. Jordan hadn’t seen him yet, and put her hand on his back.

-“Justin, do you…” she stopped dead and just stared at the man, gasping.

-“Get back!” Justin yelled at her, shoving her harder towards his mother. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, it was as the nightmare he had just came to life.

He managed to put a hand in front of him as if to tell the man to stop. The photographers were going crazy as soon as they understood the entertainment value of what they were about to witness.

-“Jordan, baby, I just wanne talk to you!” He was getting too close, and Justin managed to take a few steps forward to create some distance between Jordan and her father.

He had no clue what happened behind him, but he trusted his mother to get the car from the valet while he stalled the man.

-“Don’t come any closer!” he yelled, but his voice was shaking.

-“Come on, I just wanne talk! She’s my daughter!” The man finally looked at him and suddenly something clicked in his head.

-“No, she’s not! You stay away from us, you hear me?”

People were starting to come out of the restaurant to see what the noise was all about and the paparazzi continued to shoot pictures, but he didn’t even notice. The fear he first felt became fury, an intense hate towards the man in front of him.

His height was his advantage right now, he hovered over the man the closer he got. He could see the fire in his eyes, he shivered from the evil he felt approached.

-“Let me talk to her, Justin!” he said, and that was what was needed to completely set him off.

-“Don’t you dear say my name like you know me!” he yelled. Now he was almost close enough to touch him. “Stay away from my family!”

-“She’s my family! She’s my daughter!”

He hardly got to finish his sentence before Justin attacked him. He didn’t even know where he got his guts from, he just knew he needed to destroy this man that had caused so much pain.

His one hand reached around his throat as the other one hit the man hard in his stomach. He fell down on the ground as the flashes from the cameras got closer.

Justin could hear his mother scream behind him, but he couldn’t stop now. He got down on his knees and punched the guy as hard as he could on his face. Oblivious to the blood running out of his nose he grabbed the collar of his shirt and punched him again. Then he leaned close to his face to whisper in his ear;

-“Don’t you ever come fucking near us again! I know what you did! You fucking lowlife of a man!”

The man sneered.

-“You don’t have the…”

-“TRY ME!” He pushed the man’s head back on the ground just as security came running out to grab him. He shook them off and got up.

He was about to turn around and walk away when he felt the need to do one last thing, and he spit on the man’s face as the security grabbed his arms to take him away.  

Justin walked quickly over to the car, followed by an entourage of paparazzi. He opened the driver’s door and his mum walked out and got in the back without a word.

Jordan had watched the whole scene paralyzed, and she couldn’t look at Justin as he turned the key and drove out of there with the rubber of the wheels leaving marks on the road.

He said nothing, but she could see his hands holding the steering wheel with all the power he had, his knuckles all white from the effort, except for the now dried blood that made a path down his fingers. She swallowed hard several times to keep the tears in while she heard Lynn sobbing quietly in the back.

The silence was thick and all she could concentrate on was the sound of the engine, the lights from the streets and white lines on the road. Her body was rocking back and forth, this was just a bad dream, this didn’t really happen, she made every effort to convince herself of that.

Her eyes went sideways to peek at Justin who kept staring in front of him with glassy eyes while biting his lips together. Then she went back to staring at the lights again, letting it hypnotize her into numbness. Suddenly the car stopped and without looking behind him Justin handed Lynn his wallet.

-“Buy whatever essentials you need for tonight.” His voice was hoarse, almost whispering, but she could still hear it trembling. Lynn got out and closed the door carefully, leaving them alone in the confined space.

She was afraid he’d say something, she didn’t want him to, didn’t want to hear what he had to say. She wanted to block everything out, and she knew that the sound of his voice would shake her out of her trance. But he kept quiet, just kept staring at the steering wheel.

Lynn came back with a small plastic bag and he started the car again. She jumped as she heard the sound of his cell phone, but he made no attempt to answer it. The beeping felt so loud, it was as if it was drilling its way into her head. She let out a short breath when it finally stopped, just to jump again when her own cell started. And just as hers stopped, his started again. Justin sighed angrily and put his hand in his pocket to fish it out, not even looking at the display before he rolled down the window and threw it out. Lynn let out a gasp and Jordan closed her eyes and leaned her head against the glass.

When he finally stopped the car she spent a few seconds opening her eyes, looking up at a house about half the size as hers, but still spacious and luxurious. He got out and opened the door in the back first before moving over to Jordan’s side. He grabbed her arm a little too hard and she winced, making him loosen his grip. He kept both women in front of him and led them through the front door.

As soon as they got in Trace came running towards them, his eyes wide and pearls of sweat on his forehead.

-“What the fuck, Justin…” He stopped as he noticed Lynn and Jordan, then turned back to Justin.“ Ken’s been calling like crazy, what the hell has happened?”

-“I…We..” he swallowed, unable to continue.

-“Was there an accident? Ken mentioned something ‘bout an incident outside The Ivy? Oh, my God, Justin, you’ve got blood on your hands!” He grabbed both hands and examined them.

-“It…I don’t…” Suddenly Justin lost balance and Trace steadied him and led him into the living room and sat him down in the couch.

Lynn and Jordan just stood in the foyer until Trace came back and pushed them into the same room. Justin sat there with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. He didn’t move as Trace got a damp cloth and washed the blood off him.

-“Was there a fight?” Trace whispered and finally Lynn got her voice back, taking a deep breath.

-“Why don’t I make us some tea” she said quietly and took Trace’ hand. He nodded slowly and followed her out, just stopping to glance worriedly at the couple in the couch. 

She looked at him as his shoulders were shaking and that’s when she understood that he was crying. Her hand moved to stroke his hair and as soon as she touched him he pulled her towards him, holding her in a desperate embrace. His sobbing got louder and his fists held on to her shirt while she stroked his back and leaned her head against his shoulder.

-“I’m so sorry…so sorry…” he whispered through his tears, and she wanted to tell him it was okay, that she understood, but she couldn’t decide whether to be angry at him or proud of him. All she knew was that this little incident, those few minutes, would change her whole life.

But then he looked up at her, his sad desperate eyes filled with fear, and she melted in them. What he had done for her, no matter how wrong it was, was more than anyone had ever done for her. And she knew now that the love she felt for him was even stronger after this. He had jeopardized everything for her; his image, his relationship, his future…

She held his face in her hands softly, wiping his tears with her thumbs as she let her own run freely.

-“It’s okay, Justin” She put her forehead against him and closed her eyes.

-“I shouldn’t have… But I couldn’t…” he continued.

-“I know, Justin. I know.” 

When Lynn came back in with the tea she found them sound asleep in each others arms and she sighed. They looked like two fragile kids, only finding comfort in each other. Trace walked up behind her and put an arm around her.

-“They’ll be okay. He’s strong, he’ll get through it…” he whispered.

-“I don’t know, Trace” she sighed. “I hope you’re right”

She walked over and kneeled down, stroking both their heads.

-“Justin. Jordan” she whispered and Justin stirred and moaned softly.

-“Mom?” he mumbled and opened his eyes halfway. “What…?”

-“Hush” she said, putting a finger on his lips. “Go to bed. You can’t sleep out here”

He rubbed his eyes for a second then nodded, rubbing Jordan’s back softly.

-“Baby?” he whispered. “Jordan?”

She stretched a little before opening her eyes, jumping from the three pair of eyes staring at her. He pulled himself up to a sitting position and brought her with him, holding her tight the whole time.

Lynn smiled sadly and made her way to the guest room.  Trace shifted his legs and shook his head.

-“Try to get some sleep guys” Before hell breaks loose in the morning, he thought, but kept to himself. They both knew anyway, he didn’t have to tell them that.

Justin nodded again and helped her up. She followed him into his room and watched him as he slowly stripped down to his boxers and pulled on a t-shirt. He grabbed one out of the drawer for her to wear and turned around to not intimidate her as she put it on.

She climbed after him into the bed and put a hand in his hair again. Their faces were so close and instinctively he put his lips on hers. Just a soft peck, testing her limits before he looked at her to analyze her reaction. He needed to feel her, needed to make her feel safe and protected, needed her to understand how important she was to him, and this was the only way he knew how. But when he looked into her eyes he saw the same need, and pulled her back in to a deeper kiss.

Her grip in his hair tightened and he almost lost his breath when he felt her soft tongue playing around his. Her leg moved over his and he grabbed her thigh to hold it there.

He sucked her bottom lip carefully before pulling back, closing his eyes to fall asleep.She put her hand on top of his and guided it further up to her hips and not letting it go before it was under her t-shirt.

-“Touch me, Justin” she whispered.

His heart stopped a she said it, and he opened his eyes widely to see whether he dreamed it or not. But her face was serious, and she bit her lip pushing his hand further up her back

-“I need you to touch me, Justin. Please….” 

 She wanted him to touch her… Her eyes were so sincere and pleading and he got so scared. How could she even want that, after everything that had happened? And how would he be able to touch her without hurting her?

He slowly and gently pushed her on to her back, his hand was still inside her shirt. He leaned over her and his other hand started stroking her face. He needed to be gentle, to be slow, to not be selfish. This was not for him, this was what she needed. But it was so easy to get lost in her lips, and he couldn’t hide a moan when his hand ran up her side, his thumb stroking the side of her breast. He needed this too, he needed to find comfort in her.

She shivered under his touch and he stopped to look at her eyes again.

-“Tell me if you want me to stop” he whispered, but she shook her head and bit her lip.

He kept his eyes on her, wanted her to not only feel his presence, but see him in front of her. He nodded reassuringly to her and pushed away the hair from her face before he kissed her slowly again. He took his other hand down to lift up her shirt and she raised her arms over her head to help him out.

He licked his lips as he stared at her, those full breasts, the dark nipples…God, she was so sexy. He had always found her extremely sexy, but for very different reasons than right now.

She put both her hands in his hair, pulling him back in for a kiss and this time his groan was not as quiet as he ran his hands over her chest, leaving them with goose bumps. She winced and he immediately stopped to study her again.

-“Don’t be so scared” she whispered. “It’s not like I haven’t done this before”

He smiled at her and put his mouth over her breast, feeling her arch her back towards him as she drew her breath. His mouth followed his hands to her tummy where he placed all his attention for a moment, just softly kissing it all over, licking her belly button, trying to tell her what it meant to him.

As he was doing it he couldn’t help to wonder how this would work.  He had never been with a pregnant woman before, and he assumed he’d know what to do if it had been a natural continuing, but this was all so new for him. He slid his hand over her panties, rubbing his fingers lightly over them as his mouth kept playing with her nipples. Her legs opened slightly, inviting him to continue what he started. He didn’t hesitate, but grabbed her panties with both hands to pull them off, a bit harder to keep this slow the further they got. He wanted to feel her so bad, to get some comfort, to forget everything for a few minutes, just give himself into pleasure. He needed it, just as much as she did, he realized that now. 

He parted her legs slowly, taking in the sweet scent, positioning himself below her. His arms lifted her thighs and he blew cold air on her, enjoying her shivering.

-“Justin…” she whispered, and he was so happy to hear the tone in her voice. She gave him her blessing, the forgiveness that he craved. He had exposed her secret to the world, and she still wanted him, and all he wanted was to satisfy her.

When he put his lips on her and let his tongue slide up her clit, she grabbed his hair and moaned loudly. The grip she had on him was desperate and it encouraged him to continue his work as he opened her lips wide so he could get closer.  

He heard her short breath now, and the whimper that came out of her mouth every time she breathed out. Just when he felt her getting close she grabbed him by his hair and pulled him harshly up to her face.

-“No more, Justin, no more! It feels too good!” she shook her head. “I want you inside me”

If he wasn’t too obsessed with his own pleasure at the moment he would have found her outburst odd, but now he just nodded, content with the fact that she wanted the same as him. 

Ok, so he had wondered how he’d do this, how would he position himself comfortably over her tummy? He felt like a high school kid, all confused and worried, going only by instinct. He leaned down over her on his elbows, putting his lips on her to distract her until he could figure this out. He made the decision to kneel between her legs, lifting her hips towards his. He was aching all over, and the feeling he got when lowering himself into her was overwhelming. Her whole figure was so wonderfully voluptuous, and he held on to her hips as he slid in and out, starting off slowly, but it soon became a one-man show.

He had to concentrate not to neglect her, so he made himself stop moving from time to time to kiss her breasts or her mouth, each time getting the reaction he wanted from her. When he felt he was about to burst and he wanted to take her with him, he rubbed her with his thumb the way he knew would get any woman off.  

She curled her toes and moaned as her legs started to shake and he pumped faster to get to where he wanted to go. He could feel her tighten around him, grabbing his arms to hold steady.

-“God, Justin, don’t…don’t…” she yelled, wriggling underneath him. First he thought it was in pleasure, but then he realized she tried to push him off her. He was in the middle of his own orgasm, and it was not physically possible for him to stop, so he let himself get his release with two more strong moves inside her before emptying himself.

He fell down on her side trying to catch his breath, moving an arm over her waist to pull her closer. Her head was facing the other way, and when he used his hand to turn it around he noticed her tears.Oh, God, he thought, what have I done?

-“Baby…” he kissed her lips, as that always seemed to relax her when she was upset. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t wanne… I thought you…”

-“I…I…” she started, crying louder. “I haven’t…I’ve never…”

And then he realised the ground of her reaction.

-“You’ve never had an orgasm before?” he whispered, and couldn’t hide a tiny smile. She shook her head and looked at him. The look on her face was something between satisfaction and fear.

He rolled her on to the side and held her tight as he was spooning her. He understood now that sex for her had always been about control, and loosing that control in an orgasm was scary for her. She had let herself open up to him in the most difficult way she could, she had placed all her trust in him for this short amount of time. He had touched her vulnerability and because of that he would forever have the power over her.    

The voices from downstairs woke him up early the next morning. He got up from bed and tucked Jordan back in, careful not to wake her up. It had been in the back of his mind the whole night, and now he knew he needed to face the reality as he went downstairs to find his manager Johnny Wright, his publicist Ken Sunshine and his lawyer Gary Stiffleman. They were all sitting around a laptop, but jumped up from the chairs as soon as they noticed him.

-“Justin! Finally!” Johnny said.

-“I told them there was no way I’d wake you up” his mother showed up with three cups of coffee. “You needed your sleep.”

He looked at her with gratitude. He took a deep breath and walked the final steps towards his team of fixers and shook their hands.

-“Oh, boy, Justin! You’re really making us work for the money, aren’t you?” Johnny said with a tiny smile as Justin sat down at the table.

-“Glad to see you could sleep in, the rest of us have been working for…” Ken looked at his watch. “…about 10 hours already! You don’t pick up your phone, you don’t answer the door… We had to come up with a whole action plan without you!”

Justin shrugged.-“I did what I needed to do, that’s why I’ve hired you guys, isn’t it? To fix things for me?”

Gary sighed.-“I don’t think you understand how serious this is! If I hadn’t been in meetings all night, you’d be in jail surrounded by horny drug dealers trying to put various objects up your ass! You committed a fucking crime, Justin! In front of hundreds of cameras! It doesn’t get any worse than this! Do you understand that?”

Justin nodded sheepishly.-“I know.”

Johnny put an arm on his shoulder to comfort him.

-“Listen, Justin, I don’t know how this happened or why you thought it would be a good idea to attack this guy, I know you good enough to know you felt you had a reason to, but right now we need to concentrate on some serious damage control, and to keep you out of jail.”

-“So, what’s the plan?” he said quietly and fiddled with his hands.

-“Well, first I want you to look at this” he slid the laptop over to him, but Justin just pushed it away.

-“I don’t need to see it, I was there”

-“Yes, and the whole world knows! It’s all over the internet; pictures, videos… It’s well documented. So, lets start with the highest priority; keeping you out of jail!”

Justin nodded and looked over at Gary.

-“He is pressing charges?”

-“Of course he is! He’s got proof and you’ve got money! But so far we’ve managed to keep the police out of this. I think there is a chance of making a deal with him, but he wants to speak to you directly.”

He felt sick by the thought of getting face to face with this man again.

-“When?”

-“This afternoon. He wants both me and his own lawyer there, he says he’s scared of you and need someone there for security reasons.”

-“Fucking cunt!” Justin said through his teeth.

-“That is step one, Justin” Johnny took over. “If we even manage to get a deal with this guy, we still have shit loads of work to do, some serious damage control to save your career.”

He understood now that this situation was more serious than he’d ever imagined.

-“That’s where I come in…” Ken started. “We need to get out some kind of explanation in a press release as soon as possible.”

-“No!” Justin said firmly, and everybody looked at him in surprise.

-“No? You think you can shut up about this? You’re gonna be asked about this in every fucking interview for the rest of your fucking life!”

-“I’m not doing that to her” he said.

-“If you ever plan on selling another fucking album or a fucking concert ticket ever again, I suggest you do what I say!”

-“It’s my fucking life, Ken! Our fucking lives! I’ll deal with it as best as I can, but I will not tell the public why I attacked him, okay?”

He was standing now, with his hands on the table supporting him.

-“I don’t give a shit if you tell the truth or not, but we need to come up with some kind of story! I’ll help you make something up, but you have to make a statement!”

-“What about her?” Justin asked, glancing up the stairs, revealing in this one motion where she was.

-“She’s here?” Ken asked, looking up the stairs himself.

-“Listen to me, this man is a fucking scum bag, okay? You all know he’s her father, but you have no idea the things he’s done to her!”

-“What?”

-“It’s not my place to tell you”

-“Lets talk to her, then” Gary saw an opportunity to get the upper hand on Jeremy Callister.

-“She needs all the sleep she can get, she’s fucking pregnant, you know!”

-“I think I maybe need to explain this to you again, Justin; this is no joke! You’re in some serious trouble here!”

-“I know, okay!” he yelled back, loosing his temper from all the emotions running through him. “I fucking know! You all make it sound like I did something to you guys, that I need to apologize to you! We’ll handle this the way Jordan and I feel is best for us, whatever the outcome. I’m prepared to go down, if that’s what’s gonna happen, but I’m not gonna spread our lives out in the press! If my fans are gonna turn their back on me for this one incident, then they weren’t my true fans in the first place! Fuck, artist have been caught for murder without loosing their cred, all I did was beat some prick’s ass, which he totally deserved!”

-“You know this is different, Justin. You’ve always tried to be honest with your fans, the least you could do is write a blog or something.”

-“Yeah…” he started to calm down. ”I guess I can do that…”

-“We’re here to help you, Justin. There is no need to get angry at us, we’re just doing what we’re hired to do!”  

He sat at the kitchen with Trace after they had all left. Jordan was still asleep and Lynn tried to keep busy by doing laundry.

-“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this!” Trace said as the story was told.

-“I didn’t feel it was my place to tell. If she trusted me with this kind of information I couldn’t just run to tell you all about it. It’s her secret, not mine”

-“You’ve been so distant lately, but I never expected this.”

-“I’m in some serious trouble, Trace.” He put his face in his hands.

-“Yeah, you are, but I still think you did the right thing. That fucking bastard deserved a proper beating, just too bad there were cameras around.”

-“I know”

-“What does she say about it?”

-“We haven’t talked about it yet” he looked down, and Trace lowered his head to get a better look at him.

-“Oh, no, please say you didn’t!” he groaned.

-“What?” Justin glanced up at him again.

-“Please say you didn’t sleep with her! I know that face! That’s the ‘just had sex, not too sure how I feel about it’ look!”

Justin sighed again.-“You know how scary that sounded? That you’d even recognize that look?” he smiled cheekily.

-“Fucking hell, Justin! If last night’s incident wasn’t enough, you had to fuck it up even more, didn’t you?”

-“Trace, please! I really don’t need this right now!”

-“You need to stay away from her! She’s caused you nothing but trouble”

-“That’s not true. And I can’t stay away from her, she’s carrying my baby!”

-“So what are you planning on doing? You slept with her, she’s all emotional from the hormones and shit… What, are you gonna hook up with her now? Are you in love with her or something?”

-“I don’t have time for this right now. I have a meeting to attend to.” He finished the last sip of his coffee and got up.

He was dead scared about this meeting, but he wasn’t going to let it show.  

Jordan woke up slowly, getting through the first surprise that she was in a different room than her own. Then all last nights happenings came back to her; first the nice dinner, than the terrible fight, then making love to Justin…Or was it him making love to her…?

Oh, God, she could still feel him inside her body, the way he made her relax, the way he made her trust not only him, but herself as well. How could one night be the worst and the best of her life? And what did it all mean? And what on earth would this lead to?

She felt sick inside and she pulled the cover closer around her to stop her body from trembling. She let her hand stroke her own arm as if reliving his touches from last night. He had made her feel something she had never felt before, and she knew she needed to feel it again, soon. He was her saviour, her way out of a miserable life, her chance of happiness. But would he ever love her the way she loved him? The baggage she brought with her had been hidden from everybody her whole life, how could she even dream to ask him to get involved in something that was sure to cause him so much pain? How could she even daydream about running away with him, and live on a deserted island for the rest of their lives? He had wanted to be part of her life, but she knew he never expected everything that came with that. 

She got up from bed slowly and put on his t-shirt, and hoped he wouldn’t mind her borrowing one of his sweatpants as she decided to walk downstairs facing the aftermath of the previous night. She looked at her watch for the first time that morning and was surprised to see it was already noon; she never slept that late.

 She heard quiet voices from the living room and stood leaning against the door frame for a few seconds before they noticed her.

-“Jordan, sweetie, how are you?” Lynn asked sincerely and got up to give her a hug. She held her for a long time, stroking her back reassuringly.

-“I’m…Is Justin here?” She looked at Trace who looked very uncomfortable, his legs shifting and his mouth continuously opening and closing with no words coming out. She felt the nausea coming back. He had left, hadn’t he? Ran out on her?

-“He… He’s…in a business meeting…” Trace finally said, and she sighed as she understood what was going on. Was she really that romantically disillusioned that she had thought his heroism last night was something to bring them closer together?

-“A meeting about last night?” she whispered as she felt the tears threatening to run freely from her eyes.

Lynn nodded.-“He’s with his lawyer. They’re trying to make some kind of deal…”

-“With him? What is he…? Is he okay, is he….” She couldn’t hold it in no more and started sobbing, holding on to Lynn who guided her over to the couch and sat her down gently.

-“I’m going to be honest with you; things are not looking too good. He has a lot of cleaning up to do, a lot of damage control…”

-“Oh, God, I’m so sorry…” she interrupted, but Lynn took her hand and squeezed it lightly.

-“What he did last night was something he chose to do, it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask him to do this. Now he needs some time to fix it, but let that be his problem, you have enough to deal with as it is”

-“You want some breakfast? Coffee?” Trace asked in lack of anything else to say. She looked at him curiously as if she just noticed who he was.

-“I’ve heard a lot about you, Trace” she said in an attempt to introduce herself, even though they were a bit past that at this time, but it made him smile.

-“I’ve heard a lot about you too, Jordan. It’s nice to finally meet. It’s been awkward to be his best friend and room mate and never have met the woman who’s about to have his child.”

-“I wish we could have met under different circumstances”

-“So do I, but we make the best out of the cards we’ve been dealt, don’t we?” His warm smile got to her and she had to smile back.

-“I see why Justin is so fond of you.” She held his gaze and suddenly Trace understood what Justin had said about her mesmerizing eyes. They were full of sadness and beauty, and even he felt the need to protect this gorgeous creature.He shook himself out of the trance and kept smiling at her as he left the room to make some more coffee.  

-“Are you scared?” Gary asked putting a hand on his arm as they were in the elevator on their way to his office.

Justin nodded slowly.

-“We’ll fix this, Justin, don’t worry. I know his lawyer; I can eat him alive.”

Justin smiled at his confidence, but had to admit it made him more at ease.

-“Try not to look so nervous, and clench your fists together so they won’t notice your trembling hands” Gary continued. Justin nodded again.

He didn’t know what to expect when he sat down in the conference room waiting for Jordan’s father to arrive. He was scared of his own reaction and he was scared of the consequences. He fiddled with his hands trying hard to follow Gary’s advice.

-“Try to leave the talking up to me, don’t say anything to incriminate yourself. I’ve done this for years, I know what to be done”

-“Okay…”Justin barely whispered.

He jumped when the secretary opened the door and peeked in.

-“Mr Stiffleman; your appointment is here” She smiled at Justin and he tried to smile back, but it came out more as a grimace.

He stopped breathing when the two men entered the room; the first one a smug guy in a cheap suit, the second one the object of his hatred. The lawyers shook hands and introduced themselves.

-“Jason Jones”

-“Gary Stiffleman” Then Gary turned to Jones client and held out his hand, repeating his name.

-“Jeremy Callister”

Justin’s blood turned to ice when he heard his voice, and he sat back and stared at the floor, demonstratively refusing the introductions when Jones held out his hand.

-“I’d suggest losing the attitude, Mr Timberlake. You’re the one in trouble here” the smug motherfucking lawyer had the nerves to say. He felt the rage from last night coming back fast. He clenched his fists again, but now it wasn’t to calm the trembling anymore; he was ready for a fight.  

He finally looked up at Jeremy Callister only to notice a huge black eye and a bad bruise going from his lip all the way to his chin. For a moment he felt sick by the thought that he had done something like that to another human being, but it soon changed to a weird kind of pride that he had given the bastard what he deserved.

-“So, we all know why we’re here, so lets just get this started, all right?” Jones said, not losing that annoying smile. 

-“Why don’t you just humour us and tell us why?” Gary smiled back and Jones sighed.

-“Well, your client has attacked my client for no particular reason, and he wants to press charges against him. You called the meeting, Stiffleman, I’m guessing you want to get out of a trial. No judge likes blind violence, you know. So you better have a good offer to my client to make up for his physical and mental damages.”

Juatin bit his lip to avoid saying something he shouldn’t, and Gary laughed a condescending laughter.

-“Cut the crap, Jones. We all know he’s not a victim of blind violence, and we all know he’s after money. So, what will it take to drop the charges?”

Jones took a deep breath for dramatic purpose.

-“One. Million. Dollar.”

Justin choke on his water and Gary laughed louder.

-“I think we’ll take our chances in court, then.”

-“Yeah? With what defence?”

Justin had the strong urge to wipe off that smug smile.

-“Well, my client, Mr Timberlake, handled in self-defence, and your client broke a restraining order. The only reason we are even talking right now instead of pressing charges against your client is to avoid the mental pressure of Mr Timberlake’s friend Miss Callister, who as you know happens to be Mr Callister’s daughter.”

-“Mr Callister was just on his way to have a nice dinner when Mr Timberlake came out of nowhere attacking him! He had no idea Miss Callister was even there! If you don’t agree, let’s watch the tape!” He pulled out his laptop, but Gary pushed it away.

-“We’ve seen the tape, all it shows is the fight, not what lead to it.”

-“A fight? That’s what you call it? I’d call it an attack”

-“So I hear you say, but we strongly disagree. Mr Timberlake feared for the safety of his friend and his unborn child, thus handling in self-defence”

Jones tilted his head to the side.

-“I have a feeling we’re getting nowhere here, Mr Stiffleman. I think we’ll have to see you in court. And when you loose, there will be a helluva lot more than a million dollar.” He grabbed his clients arm and they made their way towards the door.

-“Half a million!” Justin called out after them, making them stop and turn around.

-“Justin, don’t, let me handle this.” Gary said, putting a hand on his knee.

-“What did you say, Mr Timberlake?” Jones asked smiling.

-“Half a million dollar” he repeated, a bit more uncertain this time, holding Jones’s gaze.

-“See, now we’re negotiating! Seems your client is smarter than you, Stiffleman!”

They both sat down again and Justin shifted his gaze to Jordan’s father.

-“Justin, stop it.” Gary said through his teeth.

-“No, I want this over and done with!”

Jeremy Callister grinned and Justin noticed two of his teeth missing. Did I do that? He wondered. Those eyes that he remembered to be just like hers had coldness in contrast to her warmness. The ice blue colour shone of pure evil.

-“Half a million and you get her to drop the restraining order...”

-“This is not about her, this is you and me!”

-“Justin, this is crazy….” Gary started, but Justin shot him a look to make him shut up.

-“And I want visitation rights to my grandchild….” He leaned back and his grin grew wider.

-“You fucking son of a bitch!” Justin leaned forward, trying his best to intimidate him.

-“That’s my terms!” he shrugged. “Take it or leave it!”

Justin wasn’t scared anymore, he was on a roll, and he had to restrain himself from jumping over the table to kill this man.

-“Listen to me, you fucking scumbag! You go out of here with my fucking money, and you never return! You never contact me or her or our daughter, and you never ever come to a city we may be in! And if you ever do…” he shook his head.

-“Is that a threat Mr Timberlake?” Jones asked, but Justin kept looking at Jeremy Callister.

-“You want a threat? Okay, how about this; if you ever so much as breathe within a thousand miles distance from us, she’ll go straight to the police and tell them what kind of father you were.”

The bastard shook his head without losing his smile.

-“I don’t know what she told you, Justin, but my daughter is a disillusioned woman with a vivid imagination…”

Justin shot up from his chair and kept his hands on the table to steady himself, leaning further towards this man with the toothless grin. Gary put his hand on his shoulder to calm him down but he shook it off.

-“And I’m sure the police will be interested to know what she has to say about her mothers death too!”

He saw the man’s face turn pale for a moment before he quickly composed himself.

-“She’d never make up lies like that. She has too much to lose in her precious life” he spat.

-“Yeah?” Justin sat down again with a forced smile. “You don’t think she’d do that for me? Then you have no idea what power I have over her! She’ll do exactly what I tell her to do, trust me!”

-“This is starting to feel dangerously close to blackmail” Jones interrupted again, and Justin shifted his attention to him.

-“I think your fucking client is fucking close to blackmail asking for a million bucks!”

-“Guys, guys, guys!” Gary held his hands up to stop the talking. “I think we need a moment to ourselves to talk about this. You guys stay here, and Mr Timberlake and I will go to another office to discuss…”

-“Gary, shut up! I want this over with!” He turned back to his nemesis. “You know what? Fine! I’ll give you the fucking million as long as you agree to my terms! Okay?”

He heard his cold laugh as he reached out a hand towards Justin.

-“Nice doing business with you, Justin! Should we get the papers drawn straight away?”

Gary just shook his head and sighed, running a hand through his hair.

-“I’m not touching your fucking hand, asshole! We’ll get our lawyers to write the settlement, and when you step out of this office you’re out of our lives forever! Understood?”

Both Gary and Jones raised themselves from their chairs, making a move to get out and settle the agreement on paper. They talked silently by the door when Jeremy Callister suddenly leaned forward towards Justin and whispered.

-“She’s something special, isn’t she? That soft skin, that beautiful, toned body…I can see what you want from her…”

Without even thinking Justin got up again and grabbed his throat with both hands and screamed.

-“YOU FUCKING…”

Gary was there within a second pushing Justin off him with full force, landing him on the floor.

-“Justin, what the…”

Jeremy Callister got up and touched his bruised throat with his fingers.

-“That could have cost you another million, Justin” he smiled and walked out after his lawyer.

-“That was stupid, Justin!” Gary said after they closed the door behind them. “Real stupid…” 

Years from now on Justin wouldn’t even remember this day and everything that went down. It was like he was in a haze, like it was all a dream. He couldn’t focus, he couldn’t keep his mind clear, and the headache just made it worse. He knew there were lots of meetings, but he was too out of it to even pay attention. Johnny sat with him for hours going through his plan on damage control together with Ken, but he just left it all up to them.

-“Just do whatever you feel appropriate, I don’t care” he shrugged, and if they didn’t know him as well as they did, they would have confused his state of mind with indifference.

-“Maybe you should go away somewhere for a while, get your mind together, get some peace…” Johnny suggested, but he shook his head.

-“Nah, I’ve got a tour coming up in three weeks time, I need rehearsal”

-“We can delay the tour, Justin”

-“No, this is the last tour before she’s born, and I’m not planning on going back on the road for a while after that.”

They knew better than to question his decision, they both just nodded in agreement. 

He didn’t say a word the whole car ride home, and Johnny didn’t try to get him to talk either. His head was resting on the window, and he had his eyes closed. A lot of images went through his head, but he didn’t know how to collect them and make sense out of them, it was all a mess of thoughts, pictures and conversations with no real beginning or end.

He couldn’t allow himself to fall apart, who’d take care of Jordan then? He needed to be the strong one, he needed to step up and become the man he always hoped he would be, and he needed to do it now.

He ducked down automatically when he saw all the paparazzi outside his driveway. He kept the hood of his sweater over his head to avoid the flashes. He blocked out the shouting and yelling from the hundreds of photographers standing there, all of them hoping for a statement or a comment, or at least a facial expression they could make up a story about, but they got nothing.  

As he walked into his house he had no idea who would still be there, and he was relieved to find her walking towards him in the foyer.

-“Justin, I…”she started, but she didn’t get any further before he threw his arms around her and held her tight.

-“It’s over, Jordan” he whispered, and even though they both knew that wasn’t exactly true, that’s what they needed to believe right now.

-“What happened?” she asked, holding his face in her hands, examining it closely for clues as to what he was feeling right now. But then she saw his eyes widen while looking behind her, and she closed her eyes and sighed.

-“Hello, J” She heard the voice behind her and let Justin go. He looked from Jess to Jordan then back to Jess, his mouth still open, and his eyes doing nothing to hide what was obviously an unpleasant surprise.

-“Yes, J, I’ve been here for pretty much…” she glanced at her watch. “…half an hour, but nobody in this damn house has the decency to even talk to me. You don’t pick up your phone, you don’t return my calls, the press is on me like crazy about what you have done, and I don’t even know what to say, because you’re not talking to me! What the hell happened last night?”

He pushed Jordan gently to the side and walked over to Jess, grabbing her arm and leading her to his bedroom. He had no idea what to say to her, so after he pushed her down to sit on the bed he started pacing around the room and said the only thing he had been thinking since he saw her in his house.

-“You shouldn’t have come here, Jess….”

-“What was I supposed to do? Do you even understand that this situation affects me too? We’ve hardly spoken since Europe, and I don’t know why, because as far as I know we had a wonderful time there. Then you’re back in your shell, not talking to me, not calling me… Last week when I came over and waited for you to come home, you just went straight into your room and told Trace to ask me to leave! You don’t go around doing things like that to people you’re supposed to care about!”

She gesticulated with her hands and her voice got louder, and all he could do was sigh.

-“I don’t need this right now, Jess…” he ran a hand tiredly through his hair.

-“You don’t need this? I don’t give a shit what you need!”

He looked up at her surprised; he had never heard her swear before but she had never talked to him like that before either. If he wasn’t so damn exhausted mentally he would have admired her guts.

-“Jess…” he sighed again, but she held a hand up to stop him. She got up from the bed and walked closer to him.

-“What happened last night? Why did you hit that guy? Who was it?” She asked, leaning in close. She didn’t have her signature heels on and she only reached his shoulders, but somehow she still seemed threatening to him. He took a step back.

-“I can’t talk about it. I wish I could, but it’s not my story to tell. Let’s just say the guy rubbed me the wrong way…”

She groaned loudly.

-“God, Justin! Stop being such an asshole! I have been so fucking understanding these last months and the least you can do is let me in and talk to me!”

There was the swearing again…He couldn’t get himself to look in her eyes, he knew she was right.

-“Listen, baby, give me some time here…Jordan and I need to…”

-“Jordan and I? You’re more a boyfriend to her than you are to me! Yes, I know very well she is carrying your child, I get reminded of that everyday just looking through a magazine or have paparazzi yelling out nasty things for me to hear. The public thinks I’m pathetic for staying with you, and frankly I’m starting to agree with them.”

He felt a lump in his stomach; at the moment she was the only stability he had in his life, and losing her would take him away from his old world and tie him up in this new one that was so hard to deal with. He didn’t wanne lose her, but he knew it was all for selfish reasons. She didn’t deserve the way he treated her, she had accepted more than she ever should have, and he was grateful for that, but he needed to stop.

-“Maybe this isn’t working anymore, Jess.” He looked down at her and into her eyes for the first time.

-“Maybe not. At least when I’m the only one who makes any kind of effort here.”

-“You don’t understand, she needs me right now, she’s going through some serious shit…”

-“Of course she is!” Jess sighed angrily. “And you feel much more responsibility towards her than me, I get that even though I don’t understand it. Tell me something, Justin, are you sleeping with her?”

He closed his eyes slowly and his hand went up to cover his face. Why did she have to ask that today? If she had asked this yesterday he could have denied it without lying. Truth was; he had never felt that he had been unfaithful to Jess. It was his distorted brain that had convinced him that this wasn’t cheating. Hell, he felt more like he was cheating on Jordan every time he touched Jess. And now he couldn’t decide what to tell her so his facial expression did all the telling for him.

He opened his eyes again just to shut them quick as he felt her hand against his cheek and the burning of the skin right after. Had she actually hit him? He touched his cheek with his fingers, still in shock.

-“FUCK YOU; JUSTIN!” she screamed and pushed him hard against the wall as she stumped out and slammed the door behind her. He wanted to call her name, but his voice wasn’t functioning. Instead he threw himself on the bed and started crying. He couldn’t take anymore, he was at rock bottom and he still didn’t know how to get up. He felt his breathing become irregular and he popped in a xanax just in case, before he continued to let himself cry.

He couldn’t handle it, he couldn’t handle the next thing to happen, it never seemed to stop! He wanted to just hide in his bedroom until everything was fine again, until his life was back to where he wanted it, where it used to be. 

He didn’t hear her come in, but he felt her hand on his arm. He pulled her down to him and buried his face in her lap, and she just sat there quietly stroking his hair. He grabbed her hand and held it tight as he let it all out, he couldn’t pretend to be strong anymore, he needed some comfort as well. 

She let her hand run through his hair over and over again while thinking about how she had ruined his life. In the few months time since he met her he had gone from happy to a total mess. And it was all the aftermath of her previous life. She was a curse to everyone that got to know her, how the hell would she be able to take care of a child? What if she ruined her daughter’s life too?

She had completely messed up this lovely guy who was now lying in her lap crying his heart out. When he finally calmed down she needed to ask him what had been on her mind all day.

-“What happened, Justin? Did you meet him?” she whispered.

He looked up at her with teary eyes.

-“He’s gone, Jordan. He’s out of our lives for good!”

-“How…?”He stopped her by shaking his head.

-“Can we…? I know it’s not….Do you think maybe…we could take tonight and not talk about things? Just be as normal as possible? Just for a few hours pretend nothing happened, and then tomorrow we can start dealing with it again? Just for tonight…? I don’t know if I can handle more…I just need to get this out of my head for a little while…I think it may explode soon….I just…”

-“Hush…” she said looking at him pleading, and crawled down in his arms as she kissed his forehead. “Of course we can. Don’t worry, baby, take your time.”   

-“I’m just gonna take Jordan home. You can stay here with Trace, mom, I need to be alone with her. We just need to spend some time together tonight.” It wasn’t that he felt he needed to take care of her right now, he needed just as much for her to take care of him.

-“Of course, Jus. I think that is the best thing to do right now. I’ll be here tomorrow, and then we need to talk about what to do. She’s going to need more than you or I could give her, she needs someone professional. But I’ll stay for as long as you need me to. You need to get some help yourself, you’re falling apart and that’s good for no one.”

-“Yeah, I…Not now…”

-“We’ll talk tomorrow” she gave him a long hug and ruffled his hair as she smiled bravely. “So, Trace, should I make my famous roast for you tonight?”

Trace laughed lightly.

-“Sounds heavenly! And then we can watch a sappy movie and drink some wine. How does that sound?” he took her arm and guided her into the living room.

-“Like the perfect date! Paul better watch out!”Justin couldn’t help but chuckle when he grabbed his bag and walked out to the car waiting. 

The car driving them had black windows and a chauffer and as they drove up towards her house they knew the decision was right; the gate was crowded with more photographers than he had ever seen outside the red carpet. They were banging on the doors like animals, and the flashes could still be felt through the windows.  

When they got in they stopped and listened to the silence from the house, embracing the quiet atmosphere. He put an arm around her and smiled.

-“The best sound in the world”

She smiled back.

-“Should we maybe order some food? Are you hungry?”

He was starving, he hadn’t eaten all day.

-“Yeah, what are you up for? Pizza?”

She shrugged.

-“Why not? Pepperoni?”

-“Sure” He went to grab his phone from his pocket, but suddenly remembered he had thrown it out of the car the previous night. She giggled and handed him her phone.

-“I’m just going to take a shower and get changed” 

The pizza box was empty and he put her feet in his lap and started to rub them. She moaned.

-“God, that feels good!”

He laughed.

-“I heard it’s a father-to-be’s job to rub the mothers feet.”

-“It should be! And you’re just starting with it now? Shame on you!”

-“I’ll make up for it.” He continued the rubbing and she continued the moaning. He felt something stir inside as he watched her with her eyes closed, smiling in pleasure. He let his fingers tickle her ankles and his hand moved further up her leg, all the way up to her knees and down again.

-“You know, you’re a lot different than I thought when I first met you….” He started.

-“Yeah? How?”

-“I don’t know… I remember when you came over to me at the Oscar’s, I was so star struck, I had no idea what to say to you. I must have acted like an idiot.”

-“You were cute! I watched you from afar, and you looked so uncomfortable. I just wanted to talk to you, to see what kind of person you were. You seemed so different.”

-“It wasn’t too much talking, though…” he said and she opened her eyes and looked at him.

-“I do know that I totally came on to you. And I do know the only reason you took me to your room was because of who I am.”

He didn’t say anything for a while.

-“I was definitely attracted to you, but I did find it strange that a woman like you would come on to me like that. You made me curious. But you seemed cold, like you weren’t really present, that you were on some kind of mission.” There, he said it. Would she be offended?

-“I was very different back then, Justin.” she sighed. “And yeah, I basically wanted a warm body for the night, and you were there, you were cute, you were available… There was a time when all I could think of was myself. And then something happened, and I was forced to care about others. I know this was probably the worst thing that could happen to you, but looking back at it I think it was the best thing to ever happen to me.” She said silently. He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight.

-“Don’t ever think I don’t want this child. Of course it didn’t happen the way any of us wanted, but now I can’t wait. Time has gone by, and the thought of becoming a father is growing on me every day. I’m ready for this, Jordan” He looked at her with the most serious eyes and she just fell deeper.

They were both silent for a while and his hands continued to rub her feet.

-“Can you play something?” she suddenly asked.

-“Uhm… I don’t…I guess…How is your piano working?”

-“I don’t use it much, but it should be tuned…” she shrugged.He got up and walked towards the white piano in the corner. As he sat down he turned around to her and patted the seat next to him. She smiled and slowly made her way over.

He looked so concentrated when he let his fingers rune over the keys, biting his lip and squinting his eyes to get the right sound and the feeling back in his fingers.

-“So what do you want me to play?” he asked when he was ready.

-“I don’t know…One of yours?”

-“Any specific request?”

-“Anything but ‘SexyBack’…” she smiled and he laughed lightly.

-“Fine, we’ll skip that one.”He started with Rock Your Body and watched her smile throughout his performance. He continued with Chop Me Up which made her laugh.

-“How do you get away with lyrics like that?” she chuckled when he was done. It was so great to watch him play, being in his element, forgetting about everything else. “Any chance of Senorita?” She put her head on his shoulder and he kissed her forehead as he played a slow, stripped down version for her.

Somehow both of them intentionally stayed away from songs with lyrics that could be taken the wrong way. The whole night had been kept light, and that’s how they both wanted it. He played, she listened, and it was just perfect. She wanted so badly to ask him about his meeting with her father, his fight with Jess, how he wanted to handle this whole situation…But she had promised him to wait one day, and she agreed that it felt good to take her mind off things for a while. Reality would soon enough come back into their lives, tonight they would just enjoy each other, no questions asked, no demands made, no future plans decided…

-“Tell me about your childhood” she said after they got back to the couch.

-“What do you want to know? It was pretty eventful, it was all about the music and the parties, it has all been pretty much documented by the press”

-“Did you have lots of girlfriends?” she smiled cheekily.

-“I guess…In the beginning I liked to play the fields, but as I became a little older I realized I was a relationship kind of guy”

She smiled and nodded.

-“I can see that. How was it not going to school like other kids, though?”

-“I don’t know. I don’t know how it would have been like if I did. I’ve wondered sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade anything in. I had to mature quickly, but I had the right people with me as I did. I was lucky.”

-“You must have had. You know what, Justin; you amaze me. This person you are, this person you have become… I don’t think you understand how great you are” she said seriously.

-“I wish I could be stronger…” he looked down. “I wish I could give you what you need, to fix you, to…”

-“It’s not your job to fix me, Justin”

-“I know, I just…”

-“No. You have been nothing but wonderful, but I need to fix things myself. It’s not for you to do, but I know you want to and I love you for that, but it’s not your responsibility.” She sat up and put a hand on his cheek. “I know we are not supposed to talk about this tonight, but I need you to understand that you are taking on too much here. We met by accident, we ended up in this situation by accident… I can take care of myself, I need to take care of myself, and you need to stop worrying about me and live your life. I’ve dealt with this for so many years, it’s not a new thing. I don’t want to be the one to ruin your career, your future, your relationships…It’s not worth it, Justin.”

He looked in her eyes and shook his head.

-“You’re wrong” he said as he took her face in his palms and kissed her softly. Not to calm her down, not to get her to talk, and not to comfort her. But because he wanted to.  

It was something different with his kiss this time; she could feel it. It wasn’t so much desperation; it was much more tenderness and affection.

When he pulled away slightly he kept his forehead against hers and stroke her back in small circles. She closed her eyes and breathed. She wanted so much to ask him what this meant, what he felt, what he wanted from her, but she wasn’t brave enough. She was afraid of scaring him away if she pushed him to put words on what was happening.

She wanted to ask him about her father too, but she didn’t want to kill the loving atmosphere surrounding them. Somehow she felt so safe in his arms, like nothing bad could ever happen to her again. Like his arms were shields from everything. In his arms it was just the two of them, blocking out the world, and she wanted to stay in them forever.

He pulled her head against his chest and breathed deeply while he stroke her hair. None of them said anything for a while, but the silence was not uncomfortable.

-“We’re gonna be fine” he suddenly whispered, and she nodded in agreement. She’d believe anything he said right now.

He pulled her face up and kissed her again, this time harder and stronger, and she lost her breath. His tongue was exploring her mouth with so much passion, and his hands running up and down her sides drove her crazy. She had never experienced lust like this before, never felt the desperate need for another person’s touch. But with Justin…She just couldn’t get enough of him. She had no control around him, something that scared her at first, but now she started to appreciate him taking the lead. She had shown her true colours to him, and he was still there.

He gasped as he broke the kiss; the need for air took over the need for her mouth. He pushed her gently down on the couch and positioned himself on his knees between her legs. He moved his hands in a slow caress up her thighs to her hips, watching her pupils widen and her lips softly part to draw air into her lungs, and he never lost eye contact with her. He smiled at her and she gave him a shy smile back before she looked away. He leaned over and grabbed her face with his hands, leaning down to gently bite her bottom lip.

-“Look at me, Jordan. Don’t look away.” His smile was so inviting, and she felt her lips curl up and she giggled, holding a hand over her mouth to hide it.

-“Don’t be embarrassed.” He continued to smile. “It’s okay to like what my hands are doing. It’s supposed to feel good.” His fingers tickled the inside of her thighs, light as a feather, and she shivered.

-“Just let yourself enjoy it” he whispered, and his voice made her feel relaxed. She closed her eyes for a second when his thumb ran over her panties slowly. He could feel how her wetness started to come through them and he bit his lip and drew his breath. He hooked his fingers on both sides and slid them off slowly. The slow was killing him, but he managed to keep his self control letting his shaky fingers open her shirt, button by button. As soon as the opening was big enough he let his hands slide inside over both her breasts, his thumbs circling her nipples.

-“You are so beautiful” he whispered. “You look amazing”

She opened her mouth to say something, but he stopped her by putting his finger on her lips.

-“Don’t. Just relax. Let me make you feel good. Just lean back and enjoy. Do you trust me?”

She nodded slowly and he smiled again. She loved watching him smile at her like that. It lightened the mood, it eased their heavy minds, it normalised the situation.

He leaned down trailing small kisses around her hips, letting his tongue make drawings on her skin. She lifted her hips as she whimpered, but he pushed her down again. His thumb played at her entrance, spreading her juices around her outer lips.

His finger found her tight swell end he pressed hard before releasing it, taking in the sounds of her moans. He continued, egged on by her sounds and her motions.When he removed his finger he felt her squirm and arch, seeking the return of his touch. He slipped a finger in slowly, soon followed by a second one and he watched her closely as he curled them up. He knew she was losing control now, she had entered another world where pleasure was all that mattered. And all he wanted was to give her that pleasure.

He lowered his head and put his tongue on her, nibbling and teasing, so slow and so sensual. She let out a moan of ecstasy like she had never done before. Her whole body was trembling, her breathing short and erratic. His mouth was still on her and he was sucking her as gently as he could. He continued to lick and suck while slowly rubbing her thighs until she started to come down. Just when she thought she was able to breath normal again, he started it all over again. It didn’t take long this time, and when he gave her a satisfied moan and hummed into her clit she could do nothing but loose herself into the satisfaction again, grabbing the pillow above her head with all her power, holding it over her head to muffle her cries, but he quickly grabbed it and threw it away, making room for the sounds he loved to hear.

He was breathing just as heavily as her when he laid down next to her, holding her close.

She spent a few seconds after her orgasm squirming, feeling shy and somehow awkward that she had let herself go in this way, but when he pushed her face up with his nose and giggled at her, she couldn’t help but grin satisfied.

-“Feels good?” he asked.

-“ Thank you!” she whispered and he laughed out loud.

-“My pleasure, baby. Anytime.”

She laughed back at him and hid her face in his chest, breathing in his scent, feeling his arms tightly around her as he kissed her head.   

After a while laying in his arms she felt the guilt creeping up on her. How could she allow herself to get lost in her own satisfaction when the world was falling apart around them? She knew she had promised him to not talk about things tonight, but she couldn’t hold it in anymore.

-“Justin, I need to know…” she started and heard him sigh.

-“Not now” he murmured into her hair, but she forced herself to look at him.

-“Please, I can’t relax until you tell me what happened today.”

He drew his breath and closed his eyes.

-“He’s gone, Jordan, I told you that.”

-“That’s not enough, Justin, I need to know how…”

He lifted himself up and she whimpered by the loss of contact with his warm body. She watched him as his palms covered his eyes and rubbed them tiredly.

-“We made an agreement” he sighed.

-“What kind of agreement, Justin? Don’t leave me in the dark here, this has everything to do with me, don’t act like I’m prying into your personal life here!”

-“I know, I know…” He bit his knuckle and stared out into the air. “We settled the lawsuit”

-“How? With money?” She got up in a sitting position next to him. She noticed his tears just as he quickly got up and started pacing around with his back to her. She knew she had ruined the night now, but it wasn’t fair to ask her to forget everything for one night when she had so many questions he had the answer to.

-“He’s getting nowhere near us” he mumbled.

-“How much did you pay him?” she whispered.

-“It doesn’t matter”

-“It matters to me” she said as she got up and walked towards him, running her hand over his back comfortably.

-“Just lay off, okay!” he shook her off, his breathing becoming irregular, his tears running freely.

-“Justin, please, just talk to me! You don’t have to try to be strong, just tell me what you feel, what…”

He turned around to her.-“YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL?” His yelling made her take two steps back. She knew better than stand close to a person with this anger.

-“Justin, don’t…”

-“I’ll tell you how I feel, Jordan! I lost EVERYTHING today, okay? I lost my dignity, my girlfriend, my career, EVERYTHING! Do you understand that? All I asked for was ONE FUCKING NIGHT! One night without talking about this, one night trying to forget, but you couldn’t give me that! You had to ruin it, didn’t you?”

He turned to face the wall, and banged his head and arms repeatedly into it.She watched him slowly fall apart, and she didn’t know what to do. She was scared, but not of him, just for him, and for them. What felt like heaven a few minutes ago had turned into hell.

-“I’m sorry you feel that way” she whispered. “You should never have been brought into this”

-“You know what? I shouldn’t!” he turned around to her again. “It’s not my battle! I shouldn’t have to lose everything I’ve build up because of your problems!”

She returned his gaze and took a deep breath.

-“You’re right. You shouldn’t” She started to walk away from him, then turned around, her eyes full of sadness. “You don’t have to stay, Justin. You're free to leave”  

She walked into the kitchen, grabbing the kettle with her shaky hands, pouring some water in it to make some tea. She assumed he needed some time by himself, she was probably the last person he wanted to have comforting him.

He was right; he shouldn’t have to lose everything he had build because of her baggage, but then again, she never asked him to. He was the one who insisted on being involved, he was the one that pushed her into telling him her stories… Now he regretted it, but he couldn’t blame her, could he? It was no ones fault; it was just the consequences of decisions in life.

The cup was scolding hot after she poured in the hot water, but she held it with both hands, clinging on to it like it would burn away her trembling.

She wondered if he had left, or if he was still in the living room. She hadn’t heard the front door open, so she assumed he was still there.

She opened the cup board to find some sugar for her tea and noticed a bottle of Scotch in there. She took it out and poured a glass full.She quietly walked into the living room to find him sitting against the wall with his head hidden behind his knees.

He looked up at her with sad eyes. He had calmed down and his tears were dried out. She held her hand out with the glass, and he took it and drank it all in one before he leaned his head against the wall and sighed, closing his eyes to take in the slow effect of the liquor. She turned around again and started to walk out when he called her name. His voice was so quiet so for a while she thought she had imagined it.

-“I’m sorry” he whispered as he opened his eyes again and looked at her.

-“Oh, Justin” she whispered back and walked over to kneel beside him. She put a hand on his knee and immediately he covered it with his own.

-“I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it…” he started.

-“You did, but that’s okay. You have every right to feel like that” she said quietly.

-“I wanne stay, Jordan. Please let me stay. I need you…” He pulled her into him and started sobbing again, holding on to her tightly. He grabbed her hair and kissed her fiercely, and she could taste the bitter flavour of the whiskey from his mouth. “I need you so bad”

He was almost devouring her and she pulled back, gasping.

-“Of course you can stay, Justin” She let her hand caress his cheek and he closed his eyes and leaned into it before he pulled her into a kiss again. She wriggled a little underneath him, and it was then that he noticed he had leaned all his weight over her on the floor, holding on to her like there was no tomorrow.

-“I’m sorry” she whispered. “but you’re kinda squishing me…”

He jumped up and offered his hand to help her. She held on to her back and stumbled a little as she tried to stretch out.

-“God, are you okay?” He pulled her body against his again, too desperate for closeness to notice his own strength. He couldn’t stop trembling and the only thing that calmed him down was the feeling of her and their little baby between them.

-“Can we…Can we sit down…?” she asked, careful not to let him know he was almost suffocating her.

-“Yeah, yeah…” He shook himself out of his trance and walked her over to the couch where she slowly sat down in one corner, her legs up on her side as to keep a distance from him. He took a deep breath before he sat down on the other side.

-“I don’t know how to handle all of this” he said quietly, once again breathing through his hands. She didn’t answer, and they fell into an awkward silence, just listening to each other breathing. Damnit, he needed to say something, anything, he felt he was losing her and the relationship they had developed. But he was lost for words, his mind was blank.

He quickly got up and walked into the kitchen, bringing the whole bottle of Scotch back, filling another glass and drinking it all again. He felt her eyes on him, but he didn’t want to look back at her until he could figure out how to start a conversation with her again. He wanted to take her clothes off again and get lost inside her body, getting the connection back that way, but he didn’t dare in case of rejection.

His breathing got heavier and he felt his heart starting to ache.When did the tables get turned? When did he become the unstable one? When did he become the desperate one?

-“I wish you felt you could talk to me” she suddenly said, breaking the long silence. Afraid to tick him off again, she quickly added; “but I understand why you don’t….”

He sighed and she took his hand in her, squeezing it lightly. His breathing calmed down again and he leaned his head back, downing another glass of Scotch.

-“I want to” he whispered. “But I don’t know what to say”

-“Okay” she nodded.

-“Why don’t you tell me how you feel, maybe start me off.” He looked at her. She stared at him, wondering how to adress what she wanted to say, scared that whatever she did would make him blow up again.

-“I’m just scared” she said, shaking her head slowly. “Dead scared”

-“Come here” He grabbed her arms gently and pulled her over to his side, putting her head on his chest. There, that’s where he wanted her. “Tell me what you’re scared of” he whispered into her hair, breathing in the flowery shampoo.

-“Everything. The present...The future...”

-“I know. I am too”

-“I just don’t know where we… We don’t talk… We never mention…” She knew she was walking on thin ice. She asked questions she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answers to. Questions she didn’t know if he was ready to answer.

He kissed her hair and let his hand slide through it.

-“What do you want?” he asked and she fell quiet again. If there was one thing they both knew they were bad at, it was communicating about stuff that mattered. It was easier in the beginning when all they did was fight, hating each others guts. Now that there was a mutual understanding of the situation, and a friendship still growing, they both kept it all inside in fear of hurting each other. A superficial friendship was easier to handle in this situation, but they both knew it wasn’t enough.

-“I feel all I do is wait for you” she finally said.

-“What do you mean? I’m right here”

-“Physically, yes” she sighed. He took her hand and put it over his heart.

-“I’m here” he repeated.

-“No, I’m here. I’m having this baby, and at the moment that is my only life. I don’t know what you want. You touch me in ways I’ve never been touched before, and I don’t even know if you still have a girlfriend. You act like you belong in this house, but I never know when you are coming or going. You go out of your way to protect me, even though you are slowly falling apart in the process. And you don’t talk to me about anything, even though I’m maybe the only one who would be somehow able to understand some of the things you’re going through. Are we just two naïve people trying to play house?”

She held her breath after she was done, after she started she hadn’t been able to stop. These were the exact things she didn’t want to say to him, but it was too late for her fears to get in the way now. Things had gone too far.

-“First of all; our baby is my life now too.” He responded. “I still have a job, and I know I need to compromise a lot of my career to be as involved as I want to be, but I have no problem doing that”

-“We haven’t even talked to a lawyer to set up an agreement yet…”

-“Do we need that? Don’t you think we can figure something out between us? Just see how things go as time goes by?”

-“I need some stability, Justin. I need to know how much you’ll be around. And who else will be around…” There it was; the girlfriend question again.

-“ We broke up earlier today” he said dryly.

-“Oh” was all she was able to respond to that. Was she supposed to say she was sorry? She wasn’t sorry about that; she was relieved.

-“I don’t even know why I kept it going for that long; the whole relationship was doomed from the start anyway.”

-“Did she…Did you tell her…? About…us?” How could she formulate that question?

-“She asked. I had to tell her.”

-“Do you think she’ll…”

-“…go to the press?” he finished for her. “Nah, she wouldn’t do that.”

-“Okay”

-“Jordan, I know you want some answers, but I don’t have them for you right now. I think what you’re trying to ask me is where you and I stand, isn’t it?” She nodded silently. “I just came out of a relationship, and you and I… Well, we have other things to worry about before we define our relationship.”

-“Okay…” she said again.

-“That wasn’t the answer you were looking for, was it?” he whispered.

-“No…”

-“It’s confusing for me too. I’m here because I want to, because I need to for my own sanity. You’re right; you are probably the only one who understands what I’m going through right now…But what has happened between us lately… Maybe it shouldn’t have, maybe it’s just confusing us more. But I just know that the only times I feel somehow relaxed is when I have you in my arms. I don’t know what that means. But I know that I want to find out”

He could feel her smile.

-“Okay…” her voice answered a little lighter. “I didn’t mean to bring up…”

-“No, I know” he interrupted. “It’s a fair question. I wish I had a better answer”

-“It’s a fair answer…” she shrugged, feeling tears threatening to escape from her eyes.

-“Hey…” he used his hands to turn her face towards his. He kissed her softly, feeling her body relax and almost melt into him. “If you really want to give it a try, we can” he shrugged.

She shook her head. The last thing she wanted was to push him into something he didn’t want, something he wasn’t ready for.

-“No. Let’s just leave the definition for later. Let’s just be what we are now, and then time will hopefully help us figure things out.”

She put her head back on his chest, trying to figure out if the conversation helped at all or if it just made everything more awkward. Being close to Justin was easy, talking to him was not.  

The bed was empty when he woke up the next morning, and the first thought that crossed his mind was when the hell did he fall asleep? He had been tossing and turning all night, noticing she had done the same, but somewhere along the line he must have caved into his much needed sleep, letting her crawl out of bed unnoticed. 

He pulled on some sweats and didn’t bother with anything else, and made his way downstairs. He stumbled a little; a mixture between the alcohol consumed last night and the tiredness that threatened to take over his brain activity. His head was spinning, and he did what he usually did lately; he blocked it all out. 

He walked out by the pool to see if she was there, and made his way towards the kitchen when she was nowhere to be found. He heard the voices before he got there, but it was too late to run up and change for this unexpected company. Damn this big house! 

When he appeared in the door they all stopped their discussion mid-sentence and looked at him.

-“Uhm..Morning…” he mumbled, recognizing Jordan’s personal assistant and a guy he was sure was her agent. He ignored them and walked over to Jordan, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissed her cheek. He noticed the stare from Monica, her eyes rolling up and down his body with a smirk, and he suddenly felt very naked. 

-“Justin, I’m Jack” the agent said and shook his hand, not able to completely hide the surprise from his encounter with Jordan. Well, fuck off, he didn’t care. 

-“Damage control?” he whispered to her and smiled while opening her cupboard to retrieve the rest of the Scotch from last night, filling up a glass and taking a large sip before sighing content. Again not caring about the looks from the three people standing awkwardly around, shuffling their feet. 

-“Ehrm, so…” Jack started, looking between Justin and Jordan. “Justin, I’ve just gotten off the phone with Johnny” 

-“Why?” he said loud, sounding more harsh than he intended. 

-“We need to agree how to address this…situation…, and…” he looked at Jordan hesitantly for help. She turned around and faced him, and he finally noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the lifeless expression. She looked down and shrugged helplessly to Jack, and he instantly knew something was going on. 

-“What’s your suggestion?” he asked, making sure they all knew no decisions would be made without his consent. 

-“I’ve got an appearance on Oprah tomorrow” she said silently, looking up at him for a second before facing down again. 

-“You…You what?” he asked, feeling the flavour of the whiskey in his throat, threatening to come out the same way it got in.  

-“Yeah, I’m…Tomorrow…” 

-“Was this already planned, is this…?” 

-“No, they want my story, they’ll shuffle things around, make room…” 

-“How the fuck long have you been up for? Organizing this shit without even fucking conferring with me? Th’fuck are you gonna talk about?” His frustration was showing, and Jordan winced as the two others took a step back. 

-“I need to get this out, J, I need the world to know…” 

He grabbed her hand and dragged her into the living room, away from the prying intruders.  

-“You’re not doing this for me, Jordan” he said, putting both hands to her face and she looked at him with an expression that confirmed that was exactly why she was doing it. “I don’t need you to do that!” 

-“I know. But I’m doing it” she confirmed, taking his hands off her face. Something about her voice told him she had made up her mind, but he’d still try to change it. 

-“Don’t do it” he shook his head. “If you do this you can never go back. This will be with you forever” 

-“It already is” she whispered. “Don’t you see that? It already is!” She turned and walked back into the kitchen, and he reluctantly followed. He wished he had a functioning brain right now. He wished he could think rationally. But he was empty. Nothing came to mind. No pro’s, no con’s. Nothing. Just emptiness. He filled up his glass again. 

-“Do what the fuck you want, but don’t fucking blame me when it all falls down on you” he mumbled. She turned around quickly and put a hand on his chest for distance. 

-“I’ve never ‘fucking blamed’ you for anything, Justin! Don’t start on me! What the hell is your problem? You wanted me to confer you first? Like you had the courtesy to do that to me yesterday? No! You did what you had to do, regardless of me, and now I’m the one who’s calling the shots for me. You do what you want to do, and I’ll do what I want  to do!” 

Her voice was firmer than he had heard in a long time, and he didn’t know how to answer. Maybe she was right. Maybe not. He couldn’t think. He had to get out of there. He pushed her hand away and walked out of the room slamming the door behind him, needing to make some point, not at all knowing what.  

-“You sure about this?” Jack asked her as Justin left. 

-“I am. I’m doing this. Nevermind him” she shrugged, sounding more sure than she was. She hadn’t expected this reaction from him, but then again she never knew what to expect from him. She wanted to run after him, to explain, to talk, to rekindle… But she couldn’t run after him anymore, she couldn’t let herself be dictated by him. She needed to stand up, for herself, for her baby, for him… Whether he liked it or not… 

-“I’m…You know I’m not very good at this stuff, but…I’m sorry…I’m sorry I never knew, I’m sorry it ever happened, I’m…” 

-“Thanks” she stopped him, not at all ready to talk to other people about this yet. Funny, as she was a day away from telling the world… 

-“Jack, we should go” Monica suddenly said, receiving the eyes from both. “We’ll stay in touch by phone” Jordan was just about to answer when she heard the front door slam shut, and she turned towards the sound. 

-“Let me just…” she started before rushing out of the room and out on the courtyard. 

-“Do not walk out on me, Justin!” she yelled with anger, watching his back as he turned. 

-“You’ve got it covered, honey!” he yelled back. “You do what you want!” 

She ran towards him and caught him just as he was about to enter his car. 

-“I don’t know what your deal is, I don’t know what’s happening in your head today, but I need you. I need you right now. And I know you’re confused, and I can see you’re angry, but I need you for this. I need you to have my back” 

He stopped whatever he was doing and sighed into the door of his car, hanging his head, breathing hard. She wasn’t affected. Not even when he banged his fist into the window. She didn’t even jump.  

-“You should have talked to me” he started. 

-“I am now. I did as soon as you woke up. You’re not the only one I have, Justin, I have to be able to discuss this with my people without you throwing a fit. Just like you did” 

-“I just don’t understand…” He started to raise his voice and she hushed him before she pushed him into the back of the car, climbing in herself before she shut the door. 

-“I don’t know how close they are, how much they’ll hear” she explained, talking about all the paparazzi they knew were lurking around the area. 

-“I think it’s better if you stay low” he sighed. 

-“I don’t. I was up thinking for a long time last night, and I can’t go on like this. Not when there is someone else involved, not when I’m soon supposed to be a mom. What kind of example would I set for my daughter if I can’t face my own history?” 

He nodded slowly and looked out of the window.  

-“What do you think she will think when she reads about this in the future?” he asked silently. 

-“Hopefully that she has a brave mother. And how lucky she is to have a loving father.” She looked at him, pleading for understanding, but he didn’t look back at her. 

-“If this is what you need…” 

-“It is…” 

-“I though I was what you needed” He almost spat his words out, and she snapped her head up confused. 

-“Is that what this is? Your need to play a knight in shining armour? Really, Justin? You’re the one and only thing to ‘save’ me?” She did the quotation marks in the air, but since he didn’t look at her he didn’t notice. “Cause that’s just fucked up! That’s not the foundation we need. You can’t be my one and all. We’re not even a couple” 

-“Jesus, we’re back to that now?” he mumbled through his teeth, and she just knew he was going back into that angry trance that she had witnessed several times the last few weeks. 

-“No, we’re not. You’re not listening. You’re not even sober enough at 11 in the morning to have a normal conversation.” She knew as soon as the words passed her lips that it was the wrong thing to say, and his head snapped back and she got reacquainted with those piercing eyes that let her know he was about to explode on her. 

-“You’re really going there? You? Miss fucking Cocaine? You’re actually judging me for having a fucking drink right now? Like I haven’t fucking earned the right?” 

She sighed and started to step out of the car, knowing there was no way to talk to him now. 

-“I’m sorry, Justin, I shouldn’t question you, you are right. Do your thing, whatever helps you” she said, her voice defeated, but he wasn’t quite finish. 

-“Oh, are you playing the martyr now? Because I took a glass of fucking Scotch this morning, you can go tell fucking Oprah what no kid should ever know about her mother?” He jumped out on the other side of the car and watched her starting to walk back to the house. “And now you’re just leaving, mid conversation?” 

-“I can’t talk to you, Justin” she shook her head, but never turned around. He got in the front seat and spun the car around to drive out of the gate. 

……………………………………………. 

He walked into his own house and straight into his kitchen, where he obviously broke up a conversation between Trace and his mom. Yeah, he could only imagine what they were talking about. Both went silent and looked at him. 

-“Justin… Are you okay, baby?” Lynn asked and he shrugged. 

-“You really need to ask?” He went straight to a bottle on the counter and opened it. Not bothering to find a glass he took a sip from the bottle. 

-“Things not good with you and Jordan?” Trace said warily, careful not to piss him off in the state he was obviously in. 

He didn’t answer, just shrugged again.  

-“Johnny stopped by with a new phone for you” 

He grabbed it from her hands and put it in his pocket, grabbing his jacket and another sip. 

-“Are you going somewhere?” Trace asked. 

-“Jus, please stay, talk to me, you’re scaring me” his mom pleaded. 

-“Nothing to be scared about. I’m going to rehersal” He was out the door before they could question him anymore. 

…………………………………… 

He was sitting in the corner watching tight bodies do sexy dance step, and that was all he could concentrate on. He had joined in now and then, but he wasn’t in the dancing mood, and he knew all the steps already anyway. He didn’t need to be here, he knew that, but laying his eyes on all the gorgeous asses made for a nice change in his brain.

He particularly noticed this cute brunette sway her hips while sometimes looking back at him with a flirty smile. He couldn’t remember her from earlier rehersals, and he had no idea why. Maybe his mind had been pre-occupied. Maybe it was time to release it.  

He smiled back at her, winking cheekily. He usually tried to stay away from his dancers, most of all to avoid the awkwardness when they had to dry hump each other on stage for weeks after he was done with her. And sometimes they got clingy… 

Really? He laughed to himself. He used to worry about that? Fuck, that was his biggest worry? Blowing off a slut who had fulfilled her life ambition by fucking him?  

The room started to clear out, and he knew already that she’d spend some extra time getting her stuff together, to be the last to leave. Marty stared at them both as she was far from subtle in the way she bent down to pick up her bag. She grinned at him when she saw he had his eyes just where she wanted. 

-“So, see you later, Justin” The smile was so suggestive it was almost funny. He had seen this so many times, ladies flaunting their bodies and their flirty smiles, hoping to get his attention. Well, who was he to deny a lady’s wish. 

-“Hey, wait!” he called after her. “You wanne go for a drink?” 

Most of it was just a blur.

He remembered a lot of drinks, a lot of flirting, and a blowjob from the dancer inside the toilet stall. Then next thing he knew Johnny and his mother was standing there, pulling him out of the booth and the arms of the brunette, dragging him to the car.

He thought he heard Johnny telling the dancer she was fired, but he couldn’t be sure. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. He couldn’t remember flashes from cameras, so he wondered if they had taken him out the backdoor. Whatever. His image was already broken, so he should be able to have some fun. 

His head was aching when he woke up. His whole body was aching, but his head did it in rhythm. He could see some sunlight coming in through the curtains and he wondered what time it was. He rolled onto his stomach and groaned, just as the door opened and the lights in the room were turned on. He could feel someone sitting down on his bed and stroke his hair. 

-“It’s time for you to get up, sweetie” his mom said and he groaned again, trying to push his head further into the pillow. “Come on” She tugged on his arm. 

-“Leave me alone, mom” 

-“No can do” she said softly but firm. “We have a lot of talking to do” 

-“I don’t want to talk…” he mumbled. 

-“Right now I don’t care, honey. You need to grow up, okay? Right here, right now. You are going to grow up today. Do you understand me?” Her voice was tense and he looked up at her. The look in her eyes told him she meant what she said.

He nodded slowly. -“I know” 

-“And we’ll talk about what happened yesterday. I convinced Johnny to give us a couple of hours, but after that there will be a full house again. Ok?” 

-“Yeah, ok…”

  …………………………. 

He took a long shower. Mostly because he wanted to drag it out, avoid the conversation he knew his mother was supposed to have with him. It was sad, he was a grown man worried about what his moma would say. But he was, and she was right. He needed to grow up.  

He walked slowly down to the kitchen where Lynn was cooking up some eggs and bacon and he groaned when he felt his stomach calling out for it. His head was still banging like crazy, and he knew he needed some grease to get his body started again. 

-“So” she started as she put the plate in front of him, watching him shuffle it quickly into his mouth. “What is going through your mind?” Her voice was calm and warm and he looked up at her, surprised since he had expected yelling. 

-“I don’t know” he mumbled. “Nothing, really” 

-“I know its hard, J, and I know how you shut down your mind when you can’t handle arguing with yourself anymore, but it’s not okay. Not this time. It’s about so much more than just you” 

-“Have you talked to her?” 

-“Who? The mother of your unborn child, or the dancer slut you were doing last night?” 

-“Mom!” he groaned, rolling his eyes at her, trying to hide how much those words hurt him. He didn’t want to be that guy. 

-“Yeah, I talked to her. She told me how you got upset about her Oprah appearance…” 

-“I don’t want her to do it…” he said, looking down on his almost empty plate, shaking his head. 

-“Why not? I think it will be good for her. And you” 

-“I don’t” 

-“Why would you know what’s good for her? This is not a familiar situation for you. This is not about you. This is about what she thinks she needs. And how on earth will you ever be able to raise a child together if this is what happens every time you disagree on something?” 

-“Why are you not with her?” he asked, changing the subject. 

-“Because you are my son, and you need me right now. You’ll always be my first priority. And at the moment that woman is a lot more sane and collected than you are” 

-“She asked me yesterday about us… What we…If we…” He shrugged. “I don’t know” 

-“She loves you” Lynn stated, and he looked up at her surprised. 

-“No, she doesn’t. She just likes having me around” 

-“No, she loves you. I saw that in her eyes the first time I met her. Listen, I don’t know everything that has happened between you, or if anything more will. You were never together, and I don’t think you should jump into a relationship with her out of obligation, and I really don’t think she’d want you to. But no matter what, you are in this together. And you can’t continue drinking everything away, or sleep with random girls every time you get upset. It won’t go away like that. You are going to be a father, Justin. It’s time to man up and act like one” 

-“I will, I just need…” 

-“No, there’s no time for that. The way you build up your relationship now will be the foundation for the future. Don’t ruin it” 

He sighed. -“Can I fucking get just a couple of days here? Jesus, mom!” His hands rubbed his face tiredly. “I need to fucking blow off some steam, I…” 

-“Don’t you dare use that language with me!” She raised her voice. “Do not treat me like an enemy! Do you think I enjoy having to talk sense into my grown up son like this? I had hoped I had raised you to make right decisions! To be a man! You know, after the first initial disappointment I was actually proud of the way you handled this! But now…There’s a baby on the way, Justin! A baby who will read all about your actions in a few years! Who will hear about how her father ran around with women in bars while her mother was home pregnant with her! Is that what you want?” 

He felt the tears well up in his eyes, and his trembling hands went up to cover his ears. Lynn looked at him, looked at her little boy who pressed his eyes together to avoid crying, who used a child’s trick to not hear the unwanted criticism, and her heart broke. All she wanted was to hug him, let him cry in her arms like he used to do years ago, but she couldn’t let herself melt. She had to be strong to make him strong. To make him understand.  

She grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands down, not missing the trembling lips. 

-“I’ll let you get some time to start sorting your head out. Johnny will be here in half an hour” she said softly. He nodded silently as she walked out of the kitchen, leaving him alone with his dreaded thoughts again. 

 ……………………………………. 

-“We’re cancelling the tour” Johnny said firmly.

The living room was full of managers, agents, lawyers and publicists, all people he had worked with for years, but never been in a situation like this with. 

-“No” he answered, just as firm. “I’ve already told you that. I’m going through with it” 

Lynn looked at him from the doorway, amazed how he had actually pulled himself together. He still looked tired and beat, but not a complete mess like just an hour ago. He was focused and poised, faking it better than she had expected him to.  

-“It’s a done deal. You’re not going on tour. Your job right now is right here. We can’t rebuild your career without your help” 

-“It’s been two fucking days, Johnny, it’s not like I’ve lost any part of my career. There’s no need to “rebuild” it as you call it. It’s my last tour for quite a while; I owe this to my fans” 

-“You don’t owe your life, Justin! Have you even read anything that has been written? Do you even know what the world is saying about you?” 

-“That’s the last thing on my mind right now” 

-“I know you, boy. Don’t start lying to me. The fact that she’s going public with this is the best thing that could have happened to you right now. I’m not being insensitive, I’m just stating the fact. It will put the rumors to rest, and you’ll be perceived as a hero trying to protect his girlfriend and his unborn child.” 

-“She’s not my…” 

-“ The point is; you need to stay here. With her. You need to milk the shit out of this to come out on top. I don’t care if she is your girlfriend or not, but the public will. I know you hate to play the media game, but right now that is the only option” 

He sighed loudly and sat back down in the couch. Johnny was right. His mom was right. Jordan was right. But it felt so wrong.  

…………………………………….. 

It was 2 am, but there was no chance of getting any sleep. He was just laying there, on the bed, arms behind his head, staring up into the ceiling until his eyes could see every inch clearly. He tried to get rid of the emptiness in his mind. He tried to fill it up with thoughts, but it hurt so bad. It was so much easier to blank it out. 

He wondered if she was awake. If she was thinking about him. He wondered why she hadn’t called him all day. He hadn’t heard from her since he left yesterday morning. Had she heard the rumors of his time at the bar last night? Probably. According to Johnny it was already up on the net, accompanied by a blurry picture that really didn’t say anything. But she’d know. 

He wanted to call her, but he didn’t know what to say. How could he apologize when he still felt she was doing the wrong thing? She was probably in Chicago right now, ready to bare her soul on national television. Talking to the world about the most private things. And he felt sick thinking about it.  

He wondered who was there with her. Who was there for her. Because he wasn’t.  He had made her face it alone. And the sickening thing was that he knew she did it all for him.