You hear all the stories, and people tell you how you're going to feel, but you can't actually believe it until it happens. Marissa was in labor for a long ass time. They say the first time is longer than the rest, but she was pushing for five hours, and at one point I never thought it was going to end. I was literally dodging punches after a while and to most people that would probably make them nervous if not scared for there life after the baby is born, but to me it was hilarious. I could tell she was trying so hard to stay calm, focus, and deal with the pain, but after a couple of hours she just wasn't having it anymore, and by that point it was too late for drugs so she had to do it the all natural way. I thought that maybe throughout the entire process she may have broken a few bones in my hand, but after all was said and done the pain went away after a couple of hours, and my son was born in perfect health while my beautiful, strong, amazing girlfriend snapped back to her old self in no time. I was beyond proud of her, she was such a trooper and I don't think I could have done what she did even if it was humanly possible. As I stand here now two weeks later with my son in my arms looking up at me like I'm some sort of hero and Marissa sleeping ten feet away from me for what seems like the first time since she gave birth, I'm convinced that I'm the happiest man on this earth.

My parents are going back home today and it will just be us left here, finally, our family of three. It's not going to be easy, these past two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life, but I've never been so excited to do something so difficult. Brayden has been incredible, and there really aren't any words to describe what it's like to be his father. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and watch him sleep; amazed that something so amazing could be half me. Each minute I spend with him is an adventure, whether it be him peeing on me while I change his diaper,  throwing up all over me and the new outfit we just put on him, or when he looks up at you with his baby blue's, his eyes telling you how much he loves you. Every sound he makes, every time he moves, every air bubble, it's nothing to the outside world, but to Marissa and me it's everything. I knew that she would be an incredible mother, but she doubted herself until the day he was born. Now that he's here though, she can finally see what I have all along. She jumped into this role like she's been doing it for years. She hasn't once complained about waking up every 2 hours to feed him. She's never once asked me to change a dirty diaper if she's physically able to, and she knows just what to do when he cries to get him to settle down. I fall more in love with her each day I see her interacting with our son.

Things have changed, as expected. I don't remember the last time I actually sat down and watched TV, or had a lazy day in bed with Marissa doing nothing. We use to talk before we went to sleep at night, and now she's usually passed out on the rocker with Brayden by the time I get out of the shower at night. I'll go into his room and take him out of her arms and spend a few minutes with him, usually sing to him for a little while before putting him in his crib and waking Marissa up to go to bed. She's gotten really clingy almost, and hasn't gone to sleep in our bed without her head on my chest since he was born, and she insists on getting up with me every single time he wakes up at night even if I tell her she doesn't have to. I don't know if she's scared or if she thinks I'm going to leave her or what but once things settle down a little bit and we figure out a solid routine I'll talk to her about it, but until then I'll just wrap my arm around her and listen to her breathing slow down before I actually let myself fall asleep.

"Justin?" I turned to see my mother standing in the doorway.

"Hey Mama."

"How's he doing?"

"He's just chillin'. We're just talking about life over here."

"Can I hold him?"

"Of course you can Grandma," I said kissing his forehead and handing him off to my mother. We walked downstairs to the living room and I laid down on the couch putting my head in my mother's lap and closing my eyes. After a few minutes of talking to the baby she started scratching my head like she use to do when I was a kid and actually addressed me, this time in a voice that was holding back tears.

"I'm really proud of you Justin...really, really proud. There's so much I want to say but I don't want to cry."

"Please don't cry, because if you cry then I'll cry and I've done enough crying I feel like I'm losing some of my manhood."

"Well just know that I'm proud of you."

"I know Mama, I know. And you were right..."

"About what?"

"About everything, but most importantly about how life changing having a kid is, and how nothing else matters once it's here. People kept telling me that all of my achievements would mean nothing once Brayden got here and to be honest I didn't really believe them because I've worked so hard my whole life to get where I am today. But the moment I saw him for the first time it was like nothing else in the world mattered. My proudest moment was winning my first Grammy and I never thought anything would ever surpass the way I felt that night, but how I feel when I hold him...that surpasses that night every time."

"See, you have to experience it to believe it. I'm so glad you finally get to feel how I've felt for the past 28 years. The moment you were born I didn't matter anymore, it was all about you and it has been since then. I'm not saying that in a bad way either. I've worked many jobs in my life Justin, but none have been as important or as rewarding as being your mother and supporting you every step of your journey. From your first smile to your first record deal, to your first award and movie, to watching you fall in love and become a father, all of those moments are my proudest moments. And if you raise your son to be half the man that you are, I can guarantee you that there will not be a day that goes by that you're not proud of him."

"I love you Mama. Thank you for being the best mother anyone could ever ask for."

"Anything for you baby."

"I wish you guys could stay a little longer..."

"No way," she said laughing, "this whole baby thing is way to easy for you with us here. You'll never learn if we never leave. Right Brayden?" she asked giving him a kiss.

"So you're saying it's going to be harder then it already is?"

"Ohhhhhh yeah," I heard my father say from the kitchen. He walked into the living room sitting down at the other end of the couch and I put my feet up on his legs, "you ain't seen nothin' yet kid. But your Mama raised you right, so I'm sure you'll do just fine."

"It wasn't just her that raised me right, it was you too Gramps. I have both of ya'll to thank. You know I'm going to be calling with questions at least 5 times a day right?"

"Remind me to change our phone number when we get home Lynn..."

"Oh sweetie I've already put a call in to the phone guy."

"Both of you think you're funny don't you? This ain't no joke; this is the health and wellness of your grandchild that you've been begging me to give to you for years!"

"You," my mother said kissing my forehead, "and Marissa," she nodded her head over to the doorway where Marissa was now standing unbeknownst to me, "are going to be great parents to my grandson. I have complete faith in the both of you. Now let's go eat lunch before this turns into an even bigger sap fest." We all laughed, some of us brushing tears away (Marissa and my mother) and Ris took the baby who was now sleeping from my mother and put him in his crib. I stood up and wrapped my arms around my mother and gave her the longest hug I ever remember giving her in my entire life. Without her love and support I wouldn't have been able to achieve half of my accomplishments. She pushed me to be a strong, respectful, confident, hard working person and gave me the knowledge and wisdom I need to instill those values on my son. "I love you baby."

"I love you too Mama...thank you."

"You're welcome sweetheart. You're going to be great."

***

I dropped my parents off at the airport at 6:00 after the longest goodbye ever. The minute we got to the front door she and Marissa started crying like someone had died and I basically had to pry them apart. With promises of phone calls and Skype dates we were finally on our way, and I had paparazzi on my tail from the moment I walked out of my house to the moment I walked back in. Trying to drive through them without hitting them, and just the hassle it was to say goodbye to my parents put me in an entirely different mood then I wanted to be in when I got back. I signed up for this when I signed my first record deal, and Marissa signed up for this the moment she decided she wanted to be with me, but Brayden didn't. He has no choice but to be followed by these people that want to take his picture and hope that something bad happens to him so that they can break the story or be the first ones with a picture. Before he was born I wouldn't really get upset about people following me just because it has been a part of my life for so long, but now I'm in protector mode and don't even want to leave my house with my son because I'm afraid of what they might do to him. I don't want him to end up resenting us because we raised him in the spotlight that he didn't choose to be in, but the only way out of that would be to move to Antarctica and that wasn't really an option. So until I felt comfortable we would just have to only go out when absolutely necessary with him, and when we do make sure he's covered, put our guards up, and stand our ground to protect our son.

Brayden was in his swing and Marissa was sitting on the bench at the piano when I walked in, a notebook open on her lap, and a pencil in between her teeth. She's been sitting there a lot lately, sometimes even in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. She recently signed a contract releasing some of her songs to Christina, and just yesterday got an extremely large check in the mail. I for one have been trying to convince her to quit her job and just become a songwriter but she's been working at the radio station for so long she can't seem to give it up, and she's still not sure if she wants to sell her stuff. I think hearing Christina singing her song made her want to sell to her, but not knowing what another artist may do with it makes her nervous. She doesn't want her name attached to something that isn't up to her standards or doesn't do the meaning justice. It's going to take a little more convincing, but I think once we move to LA and she has to give up the radio station she'll realize it's what she was meant to do. Brayden started crying and she closed the notebook throwing it on top of the piano with her pencil and went to go pick him up. She sat down on the floor indian style with him in her arms and just looked at him for a while with a look in her eyes that I'd never seen before. It was the look that I'd seen my mother give me so many times before that made me know how much she loved me. It's a look that a mother could only have for her child.

"What's the matter? You don't like it when Mommy plays the piano and painfully attempts to sing to make sure the song sounds how I want it to? You only like it when Daddy sings to you huh? He's got a pretty good voice your Dad. Some people even say he has the best voice in the whole entire world, I sure think he does. Do you know how many people would kill to have him sing to them like he does to you? You're a pretty lucky guy Bray, your Daddy is the most amazing person walking the face of this earth and you get to have him all to yourself. He's going to teach you so much, and you're going to get to meet all of his friends that have some pretty cool jobs, and they're all going to spoil you especially your Uncle Trace and Auntie Amy, but you're a good guy and you're not going to let it go to your head. You're going to get to do some pretty amazing things in your life and that's all thanks to your Dad, and maybe your Mom if I can just get myself to realize I should be a songwriter. That's one thing you should know about me, it's hard for me to convince myself of things that are so painfully obvious to other people and I can be pretty stubborn, but I've gotten better since I've met Daddy and I bet I'll be even better now that you're here." She stood up and walked past the piano over to the bay windows and just looked out for a while angling him in her arms so that he could see out too. "It's a pretty big world out there, all that," she pointed to the buildings below us, "That's just Boston. Soon we're going to move to California where it's warm all the time and that's even bigger then Boston. Daddy's going to be able to work easier there, and Mommy will be able to find her dream job there, and we're going to give you the best life possible. Lots of people are going to want to take your picture because of who your Daddy is, but don't let them scare you because once they get the shot they want they're not so bad. There's so much we have to teach you but I can already tell you're going to learn quick because you take everything in around you. I promise we'll do everything to keep you safe and teach you everything you need to know about life. You're going to be surrounded by so much love you won't even know what to do with half of it. We all love you so much already Brayden. I didn't even know I could love somebody as much as I love you, and people that you won't get to meet love you too. Like your Uncle Frankie. You won't get to meet him because he's already in heaven, but I know that he loves you so much that's why his name is your middle name. We'll go visit him before we leave for California but you have to remind me okay? And even if I say I don't want to go, make sure I do...Lets go see if Daddy's home yet..."

I turned around and ran to the living room turning the TV on to make her think I was sitting there the whole time. She walked in soon after me with a smile on her face and her finger out for Brayden to hold onto. She sat down next to me and I put my arm around her shoulders kissing the top of her head as she leaned it on my chest. We sat there for a while, finally a family, not saying a word just watching TV. I realized then that even though people could get me upset and put me in a bad mood, moments like this would be happening every single day and they would put me back in the place I needed to be in. As soon as Brayden started crying, we gave him a bath and put him to bed before sitting down at the dinner table to eat. I scooped some take out Chinese into two plates and put one in front of Marissa before taking my own seat across from her. Unless my mother cooked, we  had only eaten take out for the past couple of weeks with neither one of us really having any time to cook between taking care of the baby and entertaining visitors.

"I'll cook breakfast in the morning so that we won't continue to gain weight at rapid speed," she said to me putting a fork full of lo mien in her mouth.

"Don't worry about it; I'm capable of cooking breakfast. The fridge is empty though I think I'm going to go out in a few and grab some stuff for the house."

"Oh," she replied sounding defeated as she looked down at her food.

"Oh? What's wrong?"

"Nothin'..."

"You are so convincing."

"No really...I just thought...I don't know it's our first night alone. I guess I was hoping to just spend some time with you, I feel like I haven't actually talked to you in a while."

"I can stay home tonight and go shopping in the morning that's no problem babe. Don't be afraid to tell me what you want."

"I'm not...I just...Forget it."

I looked at her but she wouldn't look at me, she just continued eating focusing solely on the food that was going from the plate into her mouth. I reached across the table and took her empty hand in mine waiting for her to look up at me, "I'll stay home tonight it's no big deal." She didn't say anything just went back to eating her food, "Marissa..."

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

She wasn't fine, anything with a brain would know she wasn't fine but I wasn't going to press the issue right now, "Okay, why don't you go check on him and get ready for bed. I'll clean up here."

"I'll help you," she said quickly getting up and taking both of our empty plates to the dishwasher.

"I'll go check on him then."

"He's fine Justin. He's sleeping and if you go in there he might wake up, we'll hear him if something is wrong." I turned around going back to the table to get our glasses and put the drinks back in the fridge. Something major was wrong and as much as I wanted to just let it go and hope that it passed, I knew that I couldn't for much longer. We finished cleaning in silence, and got ready for bed in silence. He woke up right before we were about to get into bed and she grabbed my hand pulling me along with her to his room and we sat in silence as she fed him. It may have been silent in the room but my head was as loud as could be running with thoughts of what might be wrong and how to approach actually getting an answer out of her. She handed him off to me when he finished eating and I sang him back to sleep before kissing his little forehead and putting him back in his crib, walking back to our room with my arm around her shoulders.

We got into bed and her head went immediately to my chest and I knew if I didn't say something soon she'd be sleeping within minutes. A few minutes later I felt her fingers tracing over my stomach, and her eyelashes grazing right over my heart every time she blinked. I started rubbing her back knowing that she was about to break. I wasn't going to have to say anything she was just going to tell me if I just gave her some time. Next thing I felt were tears sliding down my side and it was at that point that I slid down further on the bed to get on her level and I wiped her cheeks clean with my thumbs. "Whatever it is babe, we can fix it."

"I love him so much...I really do," she said through sniffles, holding onto me for dear life.

"I know you do Maris, we both do."

"Sometimes I want to just give him away though. I know that I don't mean that because I can't imagine my life without him but...It's just so much change all at once. I feel like he's taking you away...God it sounds so selfish when I say it out loud. I just don't know if I'm strong enough..."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"I'm not really sure," she said with a little laugh trying to wipe her tears away.

"I think that it's going to take a lot of getting use to for the both of us, and right now it's hard to focus on us when he's so little and needs every last minute of our attention. I also think that you are doing an unbelievable job at being his mother, and I know how much you love him just by how you look at him. He's not taking me away from you; I'm here for you whenever you need me no matter where I am. It's a big adjustment that we're just now going to start figuring out because now my parents are gone and it's just us, but we can do this. We've already proven we're a great team, together we made a pretty cute kid."

"I just feel so awful because sometimes he'll cry and I don't want to go get him. I'm an awful mother already and it's only been two weeks. What if I can't do this?"

"You are not awful Marissa," I said sternly, "and you're not in this alone. You don't have to do this yourself, every time he cries you don't have to go get him because I'm here too. You won't be a bad mother because I go get him instead of you, we're in this together."

"I know...Like in my head I know but it's not how I feel. I feel like if I ask you to go do it then I'm neglecting him."

"I have an idea, but I don't want you to get mad at me okay? It's just a suggestion."

"I won't get mad I promise."

"Maybe you should talk to someone..."

"I'm talking to you aren't I?"

"I know you're talking to me but I'm saying maybe you should talk to someone that doesn't have a bias..."

"You want me to go talk to a therapist is what you're saying."

"I'm not saying it like you have mental problems or anything. I just think that someone that doesn't live with you or really know you can convince you that you're doing a great job better then I can. Because me telling you doesn't mean as much since you think I'll tell you that even if you're not."

"Maybe...I'm not good with strangers and feelings though, you know that."

"So I'll come with you if you want...I just think it might be helpful."

"I think you might be right."

***

"So how can I help you Miss Mitchell?"

"Please call me Marissa," she said her hand sweating into mine.

"Okay Marissa and Justin?" she asked looking at me making sure it was okay to call me by my first name.

"Yes, Justin," I nodded.

"How can I help?" Dr. Alice Murray was a physiatrist that Marissa's cousin Rebecca suggested we go see. She went and spoke to her soon after Frankie had passed away and she said she would recommend her to anyone who ever needed one. It took a little more convincing but I think after Luke had said it would be a good idea she finally agreed to come. Brayden was officially one month old and we've been on our own with him for two weeks. I wish I could say things were getting better, but the more time that past the clinger she was becoming. I didn't mind it really because I love spending time with her and being close to her but I knew it wasn't something that should be happening at this point, and I knew it was bothering her.

"Well...I don't really know how to explain it," she started looking over at me, "I guess since I've had my son things have been a little off."

"Off? How so?"

"I constantly feel like a failure, and every time I do something for him I think I'm doing it wrong, but at the same time if I ask for help I feel like a bad mother."

"Has something happened to make you feel like that? Like has he gotten sick or hurt in some way?" She shook her head knowing that when he is in her care she does everything to make sure that he's safe. "Has he gotten sick or hurt when someone else is caring for him?"

"No."

"So what makes you think something bad is going to happen?"

"I don't know..."

"Justin do you know why she'd feel like that?" I jumped up a bit when she mentioned my name, I wasn't expecting to actually be a part of this session I thought I was only there for support. I pointed to myself as if there were another Justin in the room, "Yes, you," she said.

"Well...I think that a lot of bad things have happened to her in her life that it may seem like to her nothing can go right. That mixed with the fact that she didn't have a loving childhood and was made to believe everything she did was wrong could be part of it."

"That's all behind me Justin...it has nothing to do with this."

"She asked for my opinion..."

"Okay okay...Justin does bring up a valid point Marissa. Your past, though it may be behind you now may still effect you today. Justin mentions that you grew up in an unloving home, so I'd assume you'd want to give your son the exact opposite of that right?"

"Yes, I want my son to know that we love him. I'd never want him to feel the way I felt growing up. I can't imagine hurting him the way I've been hurt, and I don't want him to not have a relationship with us when he's older. I want him to feel comfortable coming to us with anything."

"Do you think that maybe you're being a little hard on yourself?"

"How so? For wanting my son to have a life that I didn't? I don't want him to be as messed up as I am at 22."

"No, what I mean is do you think that maybe you're doing a great job and you just don't see it? Maybe you're trying too hard to be perfect so that your son has a better life then you but in your eyes nothing is good enough for him?"

"Well he deserves nothing but perfection, and sometimes I can't give that to him. Sometimes I just want to block out his cries and go back to my life before he was here. I love him so much and it's not that I don't want him or anything, it's just too much."

"Does Justin help you?"

"Yes."

"When she lets me," I said cutting in.

"That's not true Justin and you know it."

"What do you mean when she lets you Justin?"

"If I get up to go get him she'll either tell me to sit down and she'll go get him or she'll come with me when I go. And if I tell her to stay put we'll fight about it so I've just quit fighting with her and just let her do what she wants."

"Is that true Marissa?" she asked leaning on her knee and looking at her inquisitively.

"No...Well I mean I guess."

"Do you think Justin will hurt Brayden if you're not with him?"

"No, he's amazing with him. Justin doesn't have a bad bone in his body and I know how much he loves Bray, he'd never hurt him."

"Then why is it do you think that you don't want Justin to be alone with him?"

"If I knew the answer to that question I don't think I'd be here right now. I'm messed up I get it. I'm neglecting my son and ruining my relationship."

"That is the farthest thing from the truth," the doctor said, and I leaned back on the couch. Finally, someone besides me is telling her that her view of herself is skewed. It's not her fault which is why I don't get mad about it, but I'm hoping that with help from someone else she'll be able to look at herself differently. "Marissa you are doing everything but neglecting your child, if anything you're taking too good care of him. You're trying to protect him from anyone and anything that might hurt him when in reality none of that is actually happening."

"I know that it's not happening but I'm trying to prevent it."

"Let me ask you another question," she said leaning back in her chair. Marissa let go of my hand and started twirling her thumbs and fidgeting. She was nervous because someone was actually picking her brain and getting down to the root of the problem and she didn't like it. "Who is Brayden with now?"

"Trace and Amy, our best friends."

"And how do you feel?"

"I feel fine I guess. I know he's in good hands and that they would never let anything happen to him. I mean I wish I was with him and not on this couch but I'm not panicked or anything."

"So why is it that you are okay with Trace and Amy watching him, but you're not okay with Justin watching him by himself without you there?" I looked at her waiting with baited breath for her answer. Rebecca was right, this doctor really is good. I never even realized or thought about the fact that it was just me that she was doing this with. When my parents were here she'd leave him with them to shower or nap without a problem, but when it's me she panics.

"I...I...I don't know. Not to sound mean or anything but I guess...I just...I think about what would happen if something did happen."

"Can you elaborate?"

"What if something happened while Justin was watching him? I know that he would never do anything on purpose but what if he slid out of his hands or something and he got hurt, then what? Am I supposed to just not love him anymore because he hurt my son? Or do I let it go and allow my son to get hurt without any repercussion? It's a lose lose situation.  If someone else is watching him, it's just different. Or what if something happens to Justin then what?"

"No one is perfect; Justin is going to make mistakes just like you're going to make mistakes. Do you see Justin following you around every time you go get him?"

"No."

"Do you trust Justin?"

"With my life."

"Then why don't you trust him with Brayden's?"

"I do."

"I don't think you do..."

"YES I DO!" she said now yelling, "Don't tell me that I don't trust him with his own child's life because I do. These two men are my life don't you get that? If something happened to either one of them I don't know what I'd do with myself. I can't raise Brayden without Justin, he's my rock, he's my everything. And I don't know what I'd do if something ever happened to Brayden. I can't live without them so I need to be there every minute of every day with both of them to make sure that they're okay." She was mad now, so mad that she was shaking and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that she finally got what she needed off of her chest and we're now going to be able to fix the problem.

"See now if you just said that in the beginning we would have had a much shorter session," she said laughing a bit.

"Is that why you don't want me to go out?" I asked turning her face to look at me, "You don't want me to leave because you're afraid something is going to happen to me and I'll leave you by yourself to raise him."

"You make me who I am," she said now with tears in her eyes, "I can't live without you, and if you're gone and I'm gone then Brayden is alone and I've failed him."

"Marissa nothing is going to happen to me if I go to the grocery store to pick up some bread. We live in Boston not Harlem. And I'm not going anywhere, I'm always going to come back home because you guys are my life too, and I would never leave either one of you."

"You get followed everywhere you go Justin, you could get hurt. I got hurt; you're never 100% safe."

"So I'll get more security...we'll figure this out, but the first thing you need to do is realize that I'm never going to willingly leave you or Brayden, and I'd never do anything to purposely hurt either one of you. You just have to talk to me and tell me exactly what you're feeling, and maybe coming back every once and a while wouldn't hurt either." She nodded wrapping her arms around my neck and I held her as tight as I could trying desperately to prove to her that things would be okay without actually saying it. "I love you very much, more then words could ever say Maris."

"I know," she said backing away, "I love you too, and you're right...I think coming back every once and a while might be a good idea too. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry baby."

"He's right Marissa; you don't have to be sorry it's not your fault. You have really high anxiety and I think you've got a small case of post partum depression which is why sometimes when Brayden cries you don't want to go get him and see if he's okay. Some women after giving birth feel like the child takes a piece of them away, and in your case I think you may feel like Brayden is taking a piece of your relationship with Justin away. If you're willing I'd like to put you on a small dosage of a medication to help you with this." She tightened up a little bit; the last time she was on medication was when her parents forced her to go see a therapist because she was "the problem," and this was probably a flashback of that moment. I looked at her and nodded letting her know I thought it would be a good idea but with eyes telling her it was her decision.

"I'd like to try it," she said after a while putting her head on my shoulder, "if it's going to help my relationship with Justin and help me raise my son more effectively I'm willing to try."

I kissed her temple and rubbed her back, "I love you."

"Love you too," she squeezed my hand and took the prescription from the doctor, "thank you doctor, we'll see you next week."

"You're welcome and congratulations on your son."