June 2012

Never in a million years did I expect to be where I am today. If you told me three years ago where my life would take me, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. How could all of this happen to someone like me? I look around me and I see everything a girl could ever dream of. There is no hate surrounding me. There are no secrets, no lies. There have been ups and all to many downs, but right here, right now, I'm happy. It has taken me twenty five years to actually say it, to actually feel it. Happiness. I don't know how I survived so long without it, but now that I have it I don't want to let it go, I can't let it go, I will do everything in my power to NEVER let it go.

 

 January 2000

At thirteen years old, I've never felt loved. Deep down, I know that my parents love me, whose parents don't? But I've never felt it. My family was never the "I love you" type. My parents would tuck my sister an I into bed, make us say our prayers and with a simple "Goodnight" we were off to sleep. My sister was 4 years older then me and as you can imagine with me at 13 and her at 17 we were at each others throats. We still shared a bedroom and she was off to college in 8 months and she couldn't wait to leave. Leave our house, leave our parents, and leave the sister she never wanted. I on the other hand, didn't know if I could make it in my house without her there to take some of the load off of me.

I remember thinking that night how strange it was that I never actually saw my parents be affectionate to one another. They never hugged or kissed and never said I love you to each other. But I was always deemed the lucky one because my parents weren't divorced. You see all of my friends had divorced parents, they lived with there Mom or Dad but never both. I was "lucky" because I got to live with both. But no one ever considered if I actually wanted to live with both, or if I actually considered myself lucky. What people didn't realize was that I would give anything to have what my friends had, at least one parent that said that they loved them, that showed them that they were special, that didn't make parenting seem so forced. I would give anything to be able to talk to my parents without being yelled at, or to go to them for advice without being told to suck it up and deal with it. I would have given my right hand to be able to talk to someone about boys, I was a teenager for God's sake! But I was the lucky one.

*********************************

"Who are you talking to?" I asked my best friend Leah who was the only source of entertainment in my life since my sister went off to college a month before and I couldn't annoy her anymore.

"My cousin Brandon," she said as she typed away on AIM. Leah and Brandon weren't really cousins, they were what I like to call fake cousins. You know the people you see and consider family but aren't really blood related. They went on a camping trip every year together, her along with her Dad and Brother Kevin, and "B" as I soon began to call him with his Dad. They'd spend a week in the wilderness fishing and making fires, cooking whatever they caught for dinner and sleeping in a tent on the ground. Totally not my kind of vacation, but that is what made me and Leah friends, we were the complete opposite. She listened to Limp Bizkit, and I listened to *NSync, she went camping and I spent a week on the beach, she had a friendship with her brother while I begged to get attention from my sister. She lived with her Mom and was happy, while I lived with both of my parents and wondered if I'd ever be able to get out of the Hell I was living in. She had everything I wanted but couldn't quite get my hands on, in my eyes, she was the lucky one.

I practically lived at Leah's house during the summer and on the weekends. I'd give any excuse I could find to my parents to let me go over to Leah's, so that I could get away from the fighting and have some peace and quite. It didn't hurt that Leah basically got to do whatever she wanted and she was allowed on the computer for however long she wanted when I was only allowed an hour at a time. Over the next couple of months when Leah would get too tired to talk on AIM anymore she'd leave me down there because she knew it was a treat for me and let me talk to Brandon who always kept me entertained. After a while we started to become friends ourselves, we stopped talking about when he and Leah would do when they hung out, and started talking about ourselves.

 For some reason it was so easy for me to share things about myself with him. I always felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and tell them how I really felt, and it was so easy for me to open up to him. I don't know if it was because I'd never actually met him, or if he couldn't see me or what but I found myself telling him everything I've been holding inside of me for so long, and he listened. He actually LISTENED to what I was saying, and didn't yell at me or tell me that I was wrong he listened and understood. And soon I didn't just talk to him when I was at Leah's house, but I found myself running to the computer when I'd get home from school everyday hoping he'd be online so we could talk. He was my outlet, I needed him like a drug addict needs their drugs. I didn't know this at the time but he was my person.

ris687: I just wish that I had a differant life, that I could change it all. I wish that I could tell other people what I tell you and not get yelled at or put down. I just wish I could make it all go away.

bman615 : what do you want to go away?

ris687: i don't know really, the yelling, the fighting, the people. i don't feel like a normal family. i'm the problem at least that's what they tell me. Did I tell you that they are making me go see a therapist now? I'm 13 years old and I have to go sit on a couch like a 30 year old with too much stress in there life.

bman615 : are you serious? what does this therapist say?

ris687: she tries to get me to talk about my feelings and asks me why i do the things i do, and honestly i don't think that i do anything that is so awful. teenagers like to rebel, especially teenagers like me who dont want anything to do with being at home. they should be happy i'm not out doing drugs, but they're not. all they can focus on is the fact that i don't talk to them or tell  them anything. they just dont get it, they dont get that they are the problem. this lady put me on meds like i'm some sort of psycho. get my dad in there and then tell me if i'm the problem.

bman615: are you serious? they put you on meds? thats so dumb. its not you Maris, I promise. from what you tell me its them with the problem. i'm sorry you have to go there, i'm sorry you have to deal with all this, it's not fair but i'm here for you whenever you need me, forever, no matter what you know that right? 

ris687: yeah i know. and thank you. honestly, i don't know what i'd do without you. but i g2g, my hour is up and my mom is on my ass. thanks again, i now i say it all the time but i really mean it. thank you.

bman615: your welcome sweetie, sleep tight.

He was my person. I trusted him, for the first time in my life I trusted someone. I had someone on my side, I wasn't alone and I could make it through this with his help. He's here for me forever right? At least I think so.

Brandon and I spoke every single night, he became my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, and the thought never crossed my mind as to why we've never met or even talked on the phone until one night two years later he brought it up.

bman615: how do you get through it all? when i'm not here to talk to, what do you do?

ris687: music. I'm constantly listening to music even when i'm talking to you. I wake up to it, sing it in my head all day and go to sleep listening to it. it puts me in a differant world. i forget about whats going on and just go somewhere else. i can't sing, tone deaf is the way my sister puts it, but i wish i could!

bman615: you know what i just realized, i've never actually heard your voice.

ris687: you know what i've never really even thought about that, it's so wierd since your cousin is my friend and we live so close. i feel like we're best friends and i probably don't even really know you.

bman615: you know me, you just can't see me. what's your phone number?

From that moment on, everything changed.My life spiraled, it all somehow became so much more confusing and life altering then before.

We were having an Indian Summer that November. There was a little more then a month to go until Christmas and I was wearing my favorite T-Shirt and jeans when I went to go meet him. My insides were shaking I was so nervous. I still had no idea what he looked like, but I was in a crowd of people searching for him. The minute my eyes met his gaze I knew it was him. My world was complete. As complete as it could be at age 15. There was no turning back from there. We saw an old movie in Harvard Square and went to get dessert after. In the elevator after dessert he pushed the STOP button and kissed me. I saw stars, fireworks, unicorns, money, everything that could make anyone happy I saw. That was when my life was going to get better, I saw my world doing a complete 180, happiness was on the horizon...Or so I thought.

August 2007

I was a sophmore in college. I never actually wanted to go to college, school was never my fortee and I was always compared to my sister who was a straight A student. "Oh, you're Nicole's sister," they would say. "So great to have another Mitchell as a student, I hope you can live up to the name."  Needless to say I don't think I ever really lived up to the name, I don't know if I just wasn't as smart as my brainy, talented sister or if I just wanted them to think of me as my own person. I'd want to scream at them, everyday in my head I'd say "MARISSA, my name is MARISSA. Stop comparing, I'm me, not her!!" but I never did, because we Mitchell's didn't talk back. For that reason I purposly chose a differant college then my sister attended. Sure it was $20,000 more a year and I was racking up my student loans but I was my own person, no one knew who my sister was or how "great" my father was.

I was living in a dorm in the heart of Boston, surrounded by people who loved Indie Rock and couldn't get enough of Weezy and Eminem. There I was though always having to be the odd one out, listening to music that meant something to me. I didn't care about "smackin' hoes" and who the real slim shady was, I wanted music that spoke to me, that had emotion, that put me in my happy place. I hated rap, that's not singing to me, I wanted to hear soothing voices, music that when I closed my eyes it took me somewhere else. I was constantly made fun of for the music that I listened to, especially since I had a minor obsession (I say minor because I wasn't that person that screamed and cried and went psycho crazy) with Justin Timberlake. Over the years his music got me through some of the toughest times of my life. Whether it be when he was with *NSync or solo, his music was always the first thing I would turn on when I needed a break, when I needed to go to my happy place.

I had been looking forward to August 10th for about 6 months. My friend Jen and I had seen Justin perform a few years before when he was on tour with Christina and it was the greatest experiance of my life. The performance was something I had never seen before, and I had been to dozens of concerts prior. When we found out he was coming back, to Boston we got the best seats in the house I couldn't wait to go back to that place I was in when I had seen him live before.

Our seats that night were better then I had even imagined. The show was in the round and general admission let you get on the floor surrounding the stage. There were two spots where a walkway actually went out into the seats, and that's where I was sitting, in my seat practically touching the stage. I was so taken aback, my idol, my person was going to be standing right in front of me, singing the songs that made me stop everytime I thought about ending my life, that made me smile when everyone else around me was making me cry. That turned out to be the best day of my life thus far. The show was beyond words, greatest performance I'd ever seen in my life. Sometimes I would close my eyes and tune everything out but his voice and the lyrics, it was just him singing to me and everything else didn't matter. I didn't sing along, I didn't want to hear my voice over his perfect one, I just wanted to take it all in and let it last as long as possible. He was within arms reach more then 5 times, but I never reached out to touch him like everyone else around me did. I never screamed when he was close to us I just watched him and thanked him inside for all that he had done for me that he would never know about.

Towards the end of the show he came over to our side again, he was singing "Sexyback" the vain of my existnace I might add, because I thought it was the stupidest song I've ever heard, and he looked at me. You've heard everyone say it before "OMG OMG he's looking at me," but in reality he's just looking around. I didn't think he was looking at me partially because I had my eyes closed to listen to his voice, and even if I had them open I would have thought he was just looking into the audience until Jen hit me and said "HE'S LOOKING AT YOU!" and I noticed that he was standing there singing but not moving and staring right at me. I didn't know what to do so I said all that I've ever wanted to say, "Thank you," I mouthed, and to mine and everyone elses shock he mouthed "Your Welcome," back.

He was sitting at the piano singing the last song staring at me the entire time. He blinked 15 times within the 13 minutes that he was sitting at that piano. I know because I counted because I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I didn't clap when the show was over, and I didn't scream. I didn't move actually I was in shock, and I didn't want to go back to reality, but I was forced back when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw a huge security guard standing behind me.

"Come with me Miss," he said. I looked around and almost everyone was gone, they were breaking down the set. I thought the guy was kicking me out. But I thought very wrong...

Performing to me was some sort of religious experiance. I lived and breathed for it, and every time I got up on that stage it was like some sort of outer body experiance. It almost felt like I had no control over what I was doing, it was someone elses work and I got the credit for it. When you walk out onto a stage and don't even say a word and have thousands of people screaming for you, I don't care if you're fucking Michael Jackson you question yourself and say why? How? I'm so blessed to be able to do what I love for a living. I'm not going to lie, I work my fucking ass off 365 days a year, but it doesn't feel like a job to me because I love it so much. But no matter how hard I work, I still don't expect to have thousands of people night after night show up at my show and go nuts. The minute I hear that first scream, it's like a high, and even though I've rehersed for hours on end and basically do the same exact thing every night, I get off that stage after two and a half hours dripping in sweat and wonder how I pulled it all off.

It was coming up towards the end of the tour and I had been on the road for a little over a year. I was looking forward to the tour ending but at the same time I couldn't imagine not going up on stage night after night anymore. This was the most successful tour I've ever been on, whether it be with *NSync or when I toured with Christina. What was even better was that I basically organized the whole thing, and controlled the entire show. It was that much more rewarding in the end to know that it was successful because I had put so much more time and effort into any other tour I've ever done. Not to mention the dancers and the band were fucking amazing.

Doing shows every night during the summer can get pretty annoying though. Rehersing all day, doing the show at night, getting the sleep at 4am and then getting up the next morning to do it all over again and have no time to enjoy the weather or really do any site seeing. I was getting really frustrated, I hadn't been home in over a year for any period of time longer then 2 days, I hadn't seen my family or friends in that long, and I had been single for almost 2 years. So as much as I loved the show I had worked so hard to make happen, I was ready to enjoy the sun and beaches and move on to the next part of my life. Hearing the screams every night were great but I found myself not really having that outer body experiance anymore once August rolled around. I went on stage, did my thing and left, until we rolled into Boston.

I came to Boston a day before the show, a covited day off. They were rare but I made sure I had one the day before the Boston show because I loved walking around there, and had a few friends that I wanted to catch up with. I was staying at the Ritz downtown which was a blessing and a curse all the same. Sure it was great to be centrally located with the Theater District two blocks to my left, movies and shopping to my right, and Beacon Hill and the Boston Common across from me, but that the same time I felt like I couldn't do anything without being hounded because I was around so much. I tried to take the dogs for a walk in the Common and got stopped at least 30 times by students walking to and from classes. I didn't mind so much since everyone seemed really nice and didn't freak out or cause a scene, but I kind of just wanted to listen to my IPod and walk my dogs. It's the price you pay for chosing my profession though. I met up with my friend Justin that night and we ate at this new sushi place on Beacon Hill called Ma Soba. They put us in a back room so that we could eat in peace, we had a great view of three walls and a kitchen. After seeing a play at the Wang I called it a night and went to bed before midnight, which was probably the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

I felt so refreshed the next day. I had the urge to really perform again, to put everything I had into it. I hadn't felt like that in over a month. The day went by as any normal tour day would. Up at 6, worked out, ate, sound check, hung around the arena, ate again and did the show. The show was one of the best shows I've ever put on. I was energized, and absolutly killing it if I do say so myself. I could barely hear myself talking/singing there was so much screaming. As much as I loved that everyone was enjoying themselves, at one point I wanted to scream and say "SHUT UP! Listen, take it all in!" Because to me I always felt like if you're screaming you can't actually hear what's going on and you're not actually experiance the show and all the hard work I put into it.

I was singing Sexyback, which I highy considered taking out of the show because I was just so sick of it and honestly didn't really think it was even close to my best work, but I brought Tim out on tour with me and I couldn't only have him come up with me for one song. We were bouncing around the stage, and then I saw her. Her eyes were closed, she was standing still while everyone around her was freaking out because I was so close to them. I could see her mouthing the words but knew she wasn't actually singing them. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and I soon realized that I was staring at her. As I went to look away she opened her eyes, the biggest most beautiful hazel eyes I've ever seen, and she said "Thank you." I didn't know what to do or say, and I think I forgot that I was still performing until Tim hit me really hard on the back. I mouthed back "Your Welcome." I don't really know why, I had no clue what she was thanking me for, but I didn't know what else to do. As I turned to walk to the other side of the stage, all I could think about was how I was going to get her to me after the show, because I needed to see her, to talk to her, to get to know her. Some girl, at some show, I didn't even know her name, but I knew I needed her.

When I went to go change for the final number, I caught the eye of my security guard Eric. I called him over while I was undressing. He looked at me kind of funny but came over anyway.

"You want me to protect you while you change dude?"

"No assface, I want you to go and get a girl for me," I shot back knowing I was running out of time to get back up on stage.

"Where would you like a girl from? A strip joint? Gentleman's Club? A college? You've gotta give me more info here," he said.

"There's this girl sitting where the stage goes out into the seats, she's in the first row and has HUGE hazel eyes, and she's not flipping out, she just there taking it all in. If you don't bring her to me man, I'll fire you!"

"I guess I'm going to have to find her then, does she have a name?"

"Of course she has a name, I just don't know it yet. Now go get her."

"Are you sure about this J? Bringing some girl you don't even know backstage?"

"I don't think I've been so sure of anything before in my life."

I sat at the piano and sang the last song. Everytime the piano spun around and I was facing her, I locked eyes with her. She knew I was looking at her and so did everyone around her because after a while people were in her face flipping out. She was differant from the rest of them, she got me, she understood me. I thought I was going crazy how could I know this without even knowing this girls name, but something inside of me was screaming, "Don't let her get away..."

Chapter 4

"Someone needs to see you Miss, I really need you to come with me," the security guard said while he kept a strong grip on my arm.

"Look sir, I understand that the show is over I can leave on my own, there is no need for me to have to talk to someone and make my friend wait for me outside, this is totally unnecessary."

"It's no big deal...Miss...What is your name even?" he questioned.

"Marissa, and I'm not giving you my last name because you'll probably call the cops or something. I can't even believe this right now, way to ruin a really good night for me, I didn't even do anything wrong."

He stopped abruptly and took me over to the corner by a closed concession stand. I noticed that people milling around started to stare. I can only imagine what they were thinking when they saw a 5'4" 130lb girl pinned up against a wall by a 6'5" 300lb man. If I had been walking by it I probably would have called the cops or at least started screaming. Instead these people just kind of made a circle and watched. Inside I wanted to punch all of them in the face. I felt like I was back at my house when there was a car accident and all the neighbors would come out to watch but not really do anything about it. He got really close to my face and started speaking really softly and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. I was by no means deaf but I just got out of a venue filled with thousands of screaming girls, if he wanted me to hear what he was saying he was going to have to speak up to at least a little more then a whisper so I could hear him over the ringing in my ears.

"Could you just let go of me," I screamed. "Just let go and speak a little louder so that I can actually hear what you're saying, I promise I won't run or anything but you're starting to hurt me!" He let go of my arm when he realized that I wasn't going anywhere and backed away about a foot.

"Listen...Marissa," he said a little louder, but still only loud enough for me to hear, "you are not in trouble, you didn't do anything wrong, no one is going to hurt you, the cops are not coming for you. Someone wants to see you, I can't tell you who right now but everything is going to be okay I promise. If you just calm down and follow me, you might actually be happy about it, and I won't lose my job." He let out a big sigh like some big weight had just been lifted off of his shoulders. I was still confused but he kind of settled me down a little bit and I became quite curious to see who this "person" was. 

"Fine Mr. Security Guard Man..."

"ERIC, is my name."

"Okay, fine ERIC. I will follow you and you can take me to this mysterious person, but if I find anything is sketchy I will whip out the can of mace that I have in my bag use it and run."

I honestly don't know why I agreed to follow him. Everything about the situation I was in screamed "run, run right now and fast," but for some strange reason I believed the guy and started to follow him to the elevators. All the while wondering who the hell I would know here that wanted to see me. I had known a couple of people that worked at the venue, but if they wanted to see me there was no need to send a security guard to come and get me. I also knew that my cousin was in town, he was a comedian that just got off tour with Dane Cook; maybe it was him or Dane that wanted to see me. If I knew anything about my cousin he was always in it to scare the shit out of me, so it must have been him that was behind all of this.

"I'm a security guard," Eric interrupted my thought process, "my job is to protect people not hurt them, so if something 'sketchy' happens you won't need to whip out the mace," he said while rolling his eyes and pressing down button of the elevator.

"Who said I was going to whip out the mace on anyone but you?" I deadpanned. He let out a small chuckle as the elevator bell went off and the doors slid open. I hesitantly walked into the elevator in front of him before I realized what it exactly it was I was doing. It had been quite sometime since I'd actually been in an elevator, about 7 years to be exact. I suddenly felt a little claustrophobic, like the walls were closing in on me. The elevator started moving and it felt really unstable, in my head I knew for sure it was going to break, then I heard Eric,

"If you only knew," he whispered, not really meant for me to hear, but the ringing in my ears was slowly but surely going away and I did.

"LOOK," I was now screaming at the top of my lungs, " I don't DO elevators and right now I feel like I'm about to die, so if you could hold your fucking comments to yourself right now that would be fabulous. I don't know how you even got me in here, I haven't been in an elevator in years but you got me so confused and curious I just did what you said, and now I'm stuck in this elevator with you and I'm probably going to die in here with some dude I just met..."

"If you'd like to walk out of the elevator now, the doors have been open for at least a minute," he said in a now more concerned tone.

"Oh," I sighed, "Thanks."

He showed his All Access Pass to another Security Guard standing outside the elevator and whispered something to him in his ear. The other guy gave him a weird concerned look and then looked over at me. His eyes were darting from me to a room down the hall over and over again. I started getting really nervous and inside was beating myself up for actually following this guy.

"Look, if this is all some sort of scary plot ran by my cousin can we just stop now because I'm starting to get freaked out," I said shakily.

"Who's your cousin?" Eric questioned?

"Albert...we he's known as Al DelBene actually."

"Dude," Eric hit the other security guard in the arm, "that's that funny mother fucker that opened for Dane Cook, he's your cousin?" he looked over at me.

"Yeah, and if he's behind this I'm going to kill you all," I said.

"He's definitely not behind this," Eric responded, "just follow me, we're almost there." 

As we started walking down the long white brick hallway, and the other security guard called out, "Nice to meet you, I'm sure I'll see you again soon."

"Same here," I said questioning to myself why I'd see him again soon. We were backstage, and I only knew that because I had been there before when my cousin performed here. Craft Services was set up in the hallway, and boxes were being filled up with equipment from the show. I saw a couple of dancers as they went in and out of there dressing rooms, and I even saw Pink walking out to go to her tour bus. 

"Holy Shit, that's Pink," I said to Eric. He just looked at me and shook his head. We got down to the end of the hallway and there was only one door to the left of us. There was a crisp white piece of paper taped to the door and in large black lettering were the words "Justin Timberlake." Eric clearly took me the wrong way, I thought to myself. Then he knocked on the door three times.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" I whispered loudly.

"Knocking on the door so that someone will let us in dumbass," he said to me.

"This is Justin Timberlake's dressing room!"

"I know," he said "I'm his body guard, and I was told that if I didn't take you to him I'd be fired. Happy now? Did you really think I was going to kill you or something?"

I didn't say anything. I just stared at the door, praying no one would answer. I wasn't prepared to meet Justin, he was my idol, and I needed more time to think about what I would say to him. Why did he want to see me anyway? He doesn't even know me. Then I remembered how he had been staring at me. Every thought under the sun was running through my mind. I couldn't focus or come up with any logical reason as to why he would want to see me. Me, little old me. My mind was racing until I heard someone walking up to the door to open it, and then it just went completely blank. I looked up at Eric with utter fear written all over my face. He put his hand on my back and whispered, "It's okay, just calm down, he's a person just like you." I closed my eyes, and when I heard the door open I couldn't bring myself to open them until Eric pushed me inside.

"Just go in and sit on the couch over there, and calm down woman, I'm going to get J."

"Don't just leave me here!" I said sternly. Suddenly this man who 5 minutes ago was my worst enemy suddenly became my security blanket.

"He's a person just like you," he said again.

He's just like me, I kept telling myself over and over again as I sat alone in this massive dressing room. I looked around and there were clothes racks on the side of the room where we just entered. In front of me was a big screen TV with a table of half eaten food under it. To the left of me there were 4 dog bowls and two sleeping dogs. I could hear a shower running and music playing lightly in what I could only assume was the bathroom. I focused on my breathing, because if I didn't I probably would have had a heart attack.

"He's in the shower, he'll be right out," I heard Eric say what seemed like 5 hours later.

"Cool," I said, trying to calm myself down. "He's a person just like me."

"You might not want to say that out loud when he comes out here, he might think you're insane," Eric said with a chuckle.

"Funny," I managed to say.

"I'll come back and check on you, just stay calm."

"Thanks," I said sincerely because I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be breathing before Justin actually came out. I watched Eric walk out the same door we walked in earlier and just closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. I don't know how long I was sitting like that but I was interrupted by a voice that I had heard so many times before.

"Hey," he said. I opened my eyes but couldn't look up at him.

"Hi," I said back.

"Have you gone fucking insane Justin? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"No I'm not insane Rachel I'm just in a rush okay, I'm sorry I can't pay that much attention to the dogs right now, but I do believe I pay you to be my assistant," I think I was beginning to scream at her for some unknown reason.

"That's not what I mean Justin. You made Eric go get you some stranger to bring back to your dressing room. You don't even know her name, where she's from, if she's completely psycho, if she's a murderer. I know you don't like to admit it, but you're a superstar Justin, what if she turns into some stalker and tries to kill you and your family?"

"I know this is crazy okay, I know. But my instincts are telling me to jump and I'm jumping, and honestly Rach, when have my instincts been wrong?"

"Oh I don't know Justin, when you jumped and smacked a paparazzo in the face and got hit with a lawsuit. Oh and what about that one time that you decided to shoot a movie opposite your ex-girlfriend and your current girlfriend got so jealous she broke up with you because she asked you not to do it. And my favorite would be that one time when you literally jumped off of a fucking bridge and made your bodyguard go find some chick that you don't know anything about and bring her back to you so that you can what, have a quickie in the bathroom or something?" She obviously didn't think this was a good idea and made it clear when she took the dogs and started to walk out of the room. 

"Rach wait," I said, "I know you think this is stupid and dumb and insane or whatever you said, and honestly I don't know, I might be, but I just have to do this. I don't know why, but my gut is telling me I have to, and I'm so sick of doing what's right and what's expected to make everyone else happy, what about me Rach? Why can't I take a chance for me?"

"Can't you just take a smaller chance Justin? Ya know, baby steps. Like say no to an interview, there's a step. You'll have more time in your day and you'll be less cranky and happier right? Why do you have to take such a big chance and put us all in an awkward position? I don't want to see you hurt, and I also don't want to see myself in danger or anyone else for that matter!"

"If I'm less cranky will you feel better about this? I'll do anything Rachel...anything! What do I have to do to get you behind me on this?"

"Well for starters you'll give me tomorrow off," she said after taking in a big breath, and finally realizing that it might not be as bad as she thought. "And after that you'll promise me that you won't stay in here alone with her or at least have Eric standing outside the door in case this girl tries to stab you in the eyes or something."

"Okay, deal. Take the next two days off, and Eric will be right outside the door," I looked at her with puppy dogs eyes, that always worked with her.

"Fine, but don't come crying to me when something awful happens." She turned to walk away while Buckley started to try and get away from her so that he could come see me.

"BUCKLEY STOP," I screamed. He sat down and gave me the same eyes I had just given to Rachel. "And Rach," I said as she turned to look at me, "I'm not going to have a quickie in the bathroom, that I can promise you."

"Good, because that would be fucking gross." I chuckled as she left the room to take the dogs out for a long walk while I got ready to take a huge leap of faith. 

I was just about to step out of the shower when I heard Eric walk in the room. I immediately began to beat myself up. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this, what the hell is wrong with me? Rachel was right; I'm out of my mind. I turned the water in the shower back on and got back in, I couldn't think straight, I had to get my head together.

Eric knocked on the bathroom door and I heard it squeak open.

"J? I got her, well at least I think I did, I hope she's the right one, she's sitting on the couch."

"Eric, take her back, what the fuck is wrong with me I can't do this, I changed my mind."

"Is this a fucking joke Justin? You send me on a wild goose chase to find some random girl, who threatened me with mace mind you, and now you're telling me to get rid of her?"

"Yes, no, yes, GOD I DON'T KNOW!"

"Look, is this the dumbest thing you've ever done? Probably. But she's not crazy, and she's not going to kill you, so just go out there and talk to her if that's what you want, I'll even stay here if you want me to."

"Okay, as long as you say she's not crazy. Just make sure you stay outside the door just in case there's weapons or something involved," I rolled my eyes to myself, I couldn't believe how nervous I was about this. I meet people every single day and I've never had knots in my stomach or made this big of a deal about it.

"I'll be right outside the door man," I heard him start to turn away, "and dude, way to be so scared you had to hop back into the shower when you heard us come in you pussy," he said laughing loudly.

"ASSHOLE," I yelled as I heard the door click shut. I took a deep breath and let the steam fill my lungs. I still didn't know what I was going to say to her, but I could figure that out when I saw her. I turned the water off and threw a towel around my waist. The mirror was all foggy so I used the back of my hand to clear a circle. I looked myself in the eyes and told myself I was doing the right thing. I noticed that I was smiling and couldn't figure out why. I shook it off and threw on a clean pair of boxers, a wife beater and some jeans. I took one last deep breath and opened the bathroom door.

She was sitting on the couch with her eyes closed. She wasn't the type of girl that I would normally go for, but she was by no means ugly. In fact she was gorgeous just not my usual type. I played with the few curls I had making sure I didn't look like a hot mess. After a couple of minutes her eyes were still closed. She was twirling her thumbs and tapping her right foot, a nervous habit maybe. As I stared at her, I knew that I had made the right decision in getting her here; I knew that this girl was something special just by looking at her. I walked a little closer to her but she still kept her eyes closed. She knew someone was around her because I heard her make a small gasp. Let's get this show on the road, I thought to myself.

"Hey," I said more softly then I had expected. Her eyes opened but stayed on the floor.

"Hi," I heard even more quietly then my own muted statement. What was I suppose to say next? Maybe I should have planned this out a little more instead of just winging it. Her eyes were still on the ground, darting from one tile on the floor to another over and over again. I had to say something.

"Um, I know this is probably really strange and...stuff. But um, I saw you during the show and I just had to meet you." It came off as sounding so totally desperate and I cursed myself silently. She still didn't look up or say anything and suddenly I felt like I was standing naked in front of 35,000 people. "Now would maybe be the time to say something..." I trailed off.

She looked up slowly, stopped briefly at my mouth and nose and took in my whole face. I felt like I was some sort of display at a museum or something. Then her eyes met mine. They were the most beautiful hazel eyes I've ever seen in my life. I thought they were beautiful before, but now I was just captivated by them. She had small freckles lining her nose and blushing cheeks, and her lips, God I just wanted to touch them. I looked back into her eyes and she was still staring into mine. After what seemed like an eternity she stood up and I suddenly saw tears forming in her eyes.

"Don't cry," I said, "did I say something?" I questioned as I took a step closer to her.

"No," she said as she stuck her hand out to stop me, "I'm sorry I just, your eyes, I'm sorry, I just can't do this..." she ran towards the door but stopped just as she was about to open it and turned around to look at me again. "I'm sorry," she said somberly, "it wasn't suppose to be like this."

"Like what?" I asked.

The day I met Brandon face to face I was totally drawn into him by his eyes. I saw him standing on a busy street corner, and the moment I locked eyes with his crystal blues he had me hooked. For the next three and a half years, all I had to do was look into those eyes and knew I could trust him, knew he would keep me safe, knew that I was loved. We could've been in a room with 100 people and meet each other’s gaze from across the room and it was like it was only us in the room. A simple wink would feel like a bear hug. His eyes were my comfort and protection. And as it turns out; his eyes were all a lie. A lie that shattered my world into a million little pieces that I still hadn't really picked up and put back together.

The moment I looked into Justin's eyes, the same exact crystal blues I had put so much trust and faith in years earlier, his entire face changed.  He no longer had a little bit of scruff on his chin and cheeks, his lips didn't move the way that they had just moments before on stage, his hair didn't have curls. He had a smooth, long, slim face. His lips were small and thin, and his hair was short and slicked forward. But most importantly his eyes. They bore into me with such hatred and lies. When I looked into his eyes I saw three and a half years of lies, and false hope, hatred, and misery, hurt and pain. I saw my heart breaking all over again. I tried to blink it away. I thought if I just shook my head it would all go away it would be Justin standing in front of me, but it didn't work. I looked into Justin Timberlake's eyes and I saw Brandon. I saw everything that I had tried to but behind me and forget. It all came rushing back to me, I felt like I had been knocked out by a Tornado and taken back to my past. I felt myself start to tear up, and as much as I wanted to stay I just couldn't. I couldn't handle it. I thought that I had gotten past it, but I guess I had just pushed it to the back of my brain only to triggered by an innocent person who had no idea what was going on. I wanted to explain, but I couldn't find the words.

"I'm sorry I just, your eyes, I'm sorry, I just can't do this..." was all I could come up with. I'm sure I sounding like a sputtering idiot and he probably immediately thought I was a freak. "It wasn't suppose to be like this," was my only explanation before I ran out of the room. I ran past Eric who was looking at me nervously, and ran straight to the doors that lead to the stairwell. I pushed on the door but it was locked, to my left was the elevator button, and to my right was Eric running towards me. I hit the up button and prayed that the elevator was already there, but as luck would have it Eric made it to me before the doors opened.

"What the hell happened?" he said as he grabbed my arm to spin me around. 

"I just can't do this okay? I'm sorry...I'm sorry," I felt the tears start forming again and I just kept telling myself not to let them fall. Not here, not now. Maybe when I'm alone in my room with the door closed and music blaring I could scream and cry, but not here. God, I'm such an idiot.

"What can't you do? Did he do something to you? Because I have no problem kicking his ass." 

"No, he didn't do anything," I sighed, "it's not him at all. God, this is every girls dream and look at me. I just can't do it, why is this happening right now," the tears started rolling down my face and I could taste the salt as they dripped into my mouth. The next thing I knew Eric wrapped his arms around me and he was pushing me over to a chair in the corner. He called over to someone down the hall to bring over tissues, and pulled up a chair beside mine. 

"I totally fucked this up didn't I?" I asked while wiping away the tears that were still flowing.  

"Well, I don't really know about that because I don't know what happened in there but maybe you could ask Justin if you fucked it up, he might be able to answer," he nodded his head towards the end of the hall. I looked up and saw Justin walking towards us. He seemed a little hesitant; he stopped half way down the hall, and looked at Eric with questioning eyes to see if it was okay to approach me.  

"So?" Eric asked. I looked from Justin to Eric and took a deep breath and tried to control what was now sobbing. I nodded my head in approval and tried to pull myself together. No matter what if he thought I was a freak or not, I owed it to him to let him know that he wasn't the cause of my outburst. He didn't do anything wrong and I didn't feel right not letting him know that. 

Eric got up and walked over to Justin and I got my sobbing down to just a few tears. I'd never done Yoga but I knew they always said to breath, so I focused a lot on my breathing. In my head I kept saying, "He is not Brandon, he is not Brandon," and tried to convince myself that everything was going to be okay. I kept reminding myself that every girl in America dreams of having this opportunity and not to fuck it up. Maybe I could even walk away with an autograph or something. My breathing slowed and I looked up to see Justin pat Eric on the back and start walking towards me. I was tapping my foot and twirling my thumbs, a nervous habit that every single person in my family had. As he was getting closer I told myself to face my fears and look him in the eye, be strong, I could do this damnit! 

Instead of sitting on the now empty chair that Eric had occupied, he kneeled in front of me and took both of my hands in his. Since he was on my level I had no choice but to look him dead in the eye. Instead of thinking about his eyes I tried to distract myself by focusing on other things, like how big his hands were, and how they were soft except in some places that had calluses from the guitar. I noticed all the freckles lining the part of his chest that was exposed, and his hair was somewhat of a curly mess. His tattoo on his arm was a lot smaller then it looked in photos, and his thumbs rubbing the back of my hands felt like heaven. My eyes were darting from his eyes to different parts of his body and back to his eyes. I thought that if I didn't look at them for too long I'd be able to get through this without having another breakdown. I was hoping he'd be the first one to crack and say something but after a few minutes of silence I figured he was waiting for me to explain myself. 

"I...I'm sorry about what just happened in there," I started as tears started to form again. I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling before looking into his eyes again and continuing. "I don't want you to think that you did something, because you didn't, in fact you've been nothing but nice..." I trailed off as my cheeks became wet again. I thought about how puffy my eyes must have been from crying and how right above my top lip always turns red. "I wish I could explain it all to you but I can't really find the words right now, and you probably think I'm a freak and you're totally regretting ever wanting to meet me, and I'll understand if you just have Eric take me back upstairs and escort me out..." 

"I don't think you're a freak," he interrupted as he wiped a tear off of my cheek with his thumb. "And it's okay if you just want to leave, I just saw you at the show and something told me that I had to meet you, but I understand if you can't." 

"No, I don't want to leave," I said through a sniffle. I realized that I had been looking into his eyes for a while now and I no longer saw what I did before. Instead I saw concern. "I think I'm okay now, if you'd still like to talk or...whatever," I stumbled over my words. I wasn't scared or sad anymore, I was just plain nervous. 

"That'd be cool," he said as he let out a breath, "I'm Justin by the way, I don't think I've actually gotten your name yet," he chuckled. 

"Marissa," I said while pulling my right hand out from under his to shake his hand, "and contrary to what you may think from my actions a few minutes ago, it truly is a pleasure to meet you." He put his hand in mine and gave me a firm handshake while pulling me up off of the chair at the same time. 

"Marissa huh?" he said, "sounds like a name belonging to a freak." I laughed out loud and punched him in the stomach, and immediately cursed myself for punching Justin fucking Timberlake. "A feisty freak...I like it," he laughed. 

He put his arm around my neck and started walking back to his dressing room. He pulled me close to him and rubbed my arm with his hand while we walked. We were about to pass Eric and I stopped in my tracks, 

"You okay?" he questioned. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, and ducked out of his arm. I went up to Eric and gave him a hug. 

"Thanks," I said sincerely, "who would have thought I would be hugging someone I threatened with mace less then an hour ago."

"Your welcome," he chuckled, "and just so you know, if you use the mace on J, I will have to retaliate." I looked up at Justin and then back to Eric. 

"I think he's safe...for now." We started walking away and Justin looked over his shoulder to tell Eric we'd be in his dressing room, and to wait out there. He opened the door and the two dogs that were sleeping on the floor before leaped onto Justin and I. I knelt down and played with them for a bit before Justin made his cousin Rachel take them out to the bus. I sat down on the couch with my legs crossed under me and my thumbs twirling. 

"Nervous habit?" he asked while pointing to my thumbs as he sat down next to me. 

"Yeah, my whole family has it," I replied.

"Well, I'm ready to start over, how about you?"

"Definitely," I said as I leaned back on the soft leather cushion, "I couldn't be more ready."

Somehow between myself and Eric we reeled this girl back in. When she first walked out of the room I had serious doubts of if I even wanted to try, but I hadn't worked that hard to get her here for nothing. Clearly this girl had a past, and something triggered it. Why did I find myself wondering what that past was? I spoke no more the then 10 words to this girl and suddenly I felt the need to know everything about her. I poked my head out the door of my dressing room and I saw Eric down the end of the hall pulling a chair up to talk to her. The tears that I saw forming were now officially flowing, she was practically sobbing into a tissue. I knew that I couldn't have made her cry like that, but I kept going back to everything I had said to her just to make sure I hadn't said anything out of line. I walked about half way down the hall and looked at Eric for some answers, next thing I knew he was walking up to me.

"Go talk to her," he whispered in my ear.

"Is this girl crazy man? What am I getting myself into?"

"She's not crazy, I don't know exactly what she is but crazy isn't it. Just go over there and let her do the talking, obviously something got to her but it wasn't you. She asked me if she fucked it up, just show her that she didn't."

"Thanks for all your help today man," I said while patting him on the back. I walked over to her, kneeled down in front of her and grabbed her hands. I did what Eric told me and let her do the talking. Somehow we ended up back in my dressing room where we stayed for almost two hours.

She was sitting on the couch with her legs under her sipping on a bottle of water while we talked. I started with the basics and worked my way up.

"So, do you live around here?" I asked.

"Yeah, I go to school right in Boston and I live across from the Common. My house is actually like a 5 minute drive but it's totally worth the extra money to live on campus so that I can be out of my house."

"Independence, I have a love hate relationship with it. It's great to be on your own, but at the same time when I'm away for too long I start to miss my family and home life."

"I wish I could say the same," she started with a sigh, "my family and home life was never really a good one. My parents basically hate each other, I can't even remember the last time my mother didn't go to sleep on the couch, and I guess it just wore off on me and my sister. We didn't grow up in a very loving home. My sister moved out to go to college and never came back, but we've just recently started actually liking each other which is nice."

"Do you think you'll move back after you graduate?"

"I don't really plan on it, but if I can't afford it, I might have to. Once I graduate my parents will get divorced, the only reason they're staying together now is because we get more help from the government for my schooling. Once that happens I really don't have any reason to see my Dad or his side of the family, and I'm sure my Mom will get a place on her own, so I might not even have a place to go."

I could tell she was starting to get comfortable with me. We had moved on from the general how old are you, where do you live kind of questions and onto the tougher ones. She told me about her home life. About how her parents never told her that they loved her. About how her Mom and Dad fought constantly and her Dad was verbally abusive to not only her mother but herself and her sister too. She even told me that when she was 13 her parents put her on medication and told her that she was the problem and the reason why there family was being torn apart. As hard as it was for her to tell me and to experience, I could tell that she was proud of the fact that she came out of the situation and is now a better person for it. From the day she could start working she did. She got a job at 13 and has supported herself ever since. She goes to school full time as well as works a full time job to pay for tuition and other life expenses. She was in the middle of telling me about what she wanted to do after college and how her dream was to move to the West Coast when her cell phone rang. I laughed a little and put my head down when I realized her ring was one of my songs, and when I looked at her she immediately started blushing, and rummaged quickly through her purse. She looked at the Caller ID and when she saw who it was from she nearly screamed "Shit," and in the same breath apologized for swearing.

"Sorry, I've got to take this."

"No problem," I said as I got up to grab a drink and to give her some privacy. As much as I knew I shouldn't have listened to her conversation, I couldn't help it.

"Jen, oh my God I'm so sorry I totally forgot you were waiting for me, I got so caught up...no I'm fine.... I'm still here...I don't really know if I can tell you...No seriously I'm fine, I can grab a cab home it's not that far...Fine, I'll call you and you can come pick me up?" I heard her sigh and turned to see her roll her eyes at what must have been her friend grilling her about where she was. I wanted to tell her it was okay for her to say what she was doing, but I didn't want her to know I was listening, and I still wasn't sure if I could trust her enough to not let this get out to the media, so I kept my mouth shut while I put a tea bag in my hot water. "Jen I promise I'm fine and I'll fill you in when I can okay? I'll call a cab I swear, and I'll call you when I get home. I'm so sorry I forgot to call you...I will...Love you too...bye." I heard her putting her phone back in her purse, I turned around with my tea in one hand and another bottle of water for her in another and I saw her putting chap stick on. She looked up at me and smirked,

"Sorry about that," she said as she smacked her lips together and threw the chap stick back in her bag. She took the water from me and drank about half the bottle before I even sat down.

"About the phone call or the ringtone?" I asked chuckling.

"Oh, you caught that huh? Yeah...that's not awkward or anything."

"I wouldn't call it awkward...embarrassing maybe but awkward not so much," I said with a wink.

"Thanks for pointing that out, nothing gets past you I see."

"I'm just kidding with you, it's quite flattering to know that I have at least one fan."

"At least one? Who are you kidding, you just did a show in front of thousands of screaming people, who paid quite a bit of money I might add for a ticket, and you're flattered to have 'one fan'?"

"You're different."

"Oh really? Because you know so much about me to know that I'm different."

"You are. I walk out on stage every single night and have people scream for me for two and a half hours. They scream at the fact that they're in the same room as me, they scream because I'm "So hot", they scream because I dry hump a dancer, or because I come this close to kissing them. They are screaming for me, not for my music or the performance. They're not taking in the meaning of the songs, or the work and dedication I put in towards the show and my voice. They would still be screaming if I sounded like shit. Then I see you, standing there with your eyes closed taking it all in. Appreciating it, understanding it. Not caring about what I'm doing or how I look, but about the music and it's meaning. I've never once in all my years doing what I do, seen someone actually get it. You get it. That to me is so much more important then having 30,000 people screaming. That is a fan."

"Wow," was all she could really say, and after that rant I just went off on, I didn't really know what to say either. "It's kind of weird how you can figure all that out just by looking at me for a few minutes," she began after a minute or two. "I mean you're right, I am a fan for the music and the meaning behind it, the looks are just an added bonus. If we're being honest here...we are being honest here right?"

"Is that a serious question?"

"Okay so we're being honest," she said while adjusting how she was sitting. She put her back on the arm of the couch and spread her legs out over mine. She was officially comfortable, and no longer nervous or shocked at who she was talking to, and I was officially beyond happy about bringing her here. I hadn't had a conversation like this is way too long. "Honestly, music has gotten me through some of the toughest times of my life. If I'm upset I go to my room and blare music and go to another world. Sometimes I'll find a song that I connect with and play it over and over again. I use to trust people with my feeling and my problems but I found out the hard way that I shouldn't give my trust so easily. So I put my trust in the music I listen to, I count on music to get me through, to keep me sane. And I will admit that some of your music has helped in that area over the years. But please don't let that make your head explode and realize that I said SOME because certain songs are definitely not on my list to keep me sane."

"Well, I don't know if I should say I'm flattered or if I should go get my ass back in the studio and make non-shitty music."

"You should be flattered, and make non-shitty music kill two birds with one stone."

"I'm definitely flattered, and I appreciate the criticism. I agree with you some of my music isn't the top of my game, but it's always nice to hear that your music has an affect on people. I kind of use music in place of people too. It's hard in this business to know who you can trust and who you can't. Obviously I can talk to my family, but sometimes they just don't get it. Maybe that's why when I saw you I kind of felt a connection to you because I do the same thing at concerts, just kind of take it all in. So what's your story about not being able to trust people?"

She looked down at her hand and started to twirl her thumbs again. I struck a cord and I really didn't mean to. I tilted her chin up so that she'd look at me and I noticed tears forming again. I kept my eyes on her and tried to will the tears away.

"Sorry," she said softly, "it's just a really hard subject for me to talk about right now, and I think I've done enough crying for one day."

"No worries," I said, "I'll get it out of you someday when you're ready."

"Well, I should probably go, it was really nice to meet you," she said quickly while getting up off of the couch and reaching for her sweatshirt.

"Oh, sure if you want to...I mean I was going to see if you wanted to grab a bite to eat but if you want to go you can."

"You want to get dinner with me?"

"Well, yeah. It's been really nice being able to sit here and just talk to you. Holding a conversation with someone about things other then my schedule and my life are few and far between. It just felt, I don't know...right."

"I have to say I never thought I'd be able to just open up like I did with you, it felt really comfortable and reassuring but I also know that you're a celebrity and you're leaving tomorrow, and dinner will probably lead to you asking me back to your place and since we're being honest here, I'm not one to just have sex with someone for shits and giggles, celebrity or not."

"Well aren't you one to jump to conclusions. I'm not a one night stand kind of guy myself, I just wanted to take you out, talk somewhere other then my dressing room, try and pick your brain and figure you out some more. If you don't want to it's okay too, totally up to you."

"We have been here for over two hours and you haven't tried anything yet, so maybe dinner wouldn't be such a bad idea. I know this cute little place right down the street. It's kind of secluded and private so you probably wouldn't get recognized."

"Sounds like a plan. If you just give me a couple of minutes to change I'll have my driver take us there."

"Sure, I'm just going to call my friend and tell her I'm home so she doesn't worry anymore," she said while trying to find her phone in her bag.

"You can tell her the truth...if you trust her."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I think I know you well enough to be able to trust your judgment."

It was 2:00 in the morning and the bartender rang the bell for last call. We had gone to the Elephant Bar after talking in his dressing room for what seemed like 15 minutes but was really close to 2 hours. The manager there had become a friend of mine since I had gone there for lunch at least once a week because I worked right across the street. I called him when I got into Justin's chauffeured town car and asked him to set us up a table somewhere secluded. He met us at the back door and ushered us to a small table for two in the back of the bar. There weren't that many people in there since it was close to midnight and the people that were there were pretty much obliterated, so even if they did recognize Justin, they wouldn't remember it the next day. The waiter came over to us the moment we sat down to get our drink orders, a luxury that never happens when you're not with one of the most famous people in America.

"Jack and Coke please," he said keeping his head that now adorned a baseball hat down.

"And I'll have a tequila sunrise please, thanks," I said. I watched the waiter walk away and for some reason felt the need to make sure he wasn't going to make an announcement to the entire bar that Justin Timberlake was there. Luckily he put the drink order in and went on to another table. Justin looked up after a good minute but didn't say anything.

"Do you always feel like you need to hide when you go out?"

"Only at new places I guess. Before I'd go into bars and I'd get recognized and people wouldn't make a huge deal about it, then when the whole paparazzi craze started I couldn't go anywhere without being hounded by everyone in the bar. I'm okay when I go into places that I've been to before and know that I won't get hounded, but new places I always feel like I need to hide. You can imagine I only go to a few select bars."

"So when you travel you have a bar in each city you go to?"

"Yeah, it's called Room Service," he said laughing. "I go to clubs when I travel if I have time, they have VIP sections so I know I won't be hounded, but at bars it's everyone for themselves so I try and stay away."

"I wish I had known, I wouldn't have taken you here."

"No, this is great. You got the VIP treatment coming in, back corner table; you're on top of things. I knew there was a reason I needed to meet you! Then to top it off you order tequila, girl after my own heart."

"Go big or go home right?" I questioned while the waiter brought our drinks over and took our food order. He asked if we needed anything else from him, then left us to talk. He told me all about touring and what it was like to be on the road for an entire year, and how hectic his schedule gets. The tour was ending in a couple of weeks and he was looking forward to just going home and relaxing, but he said that he gets antsy and never takes as much time off as he plans. After a couple of drinks he started telling me about his last girlfriend and how they broke up because she assumed he was cheating on her and even though she had no proof she accused him of it anyway and left him. He'd been single for a while and not really looking for a relationship just to have one, but not not looking for one either. Something about 'Whatever happens, happens.' I told him a lot about me too. I explained how I always seemed to be in a relationship because I wanted to feel wanted since I never felt that from my parents, and how once I realized that I hadn't been in a relationship since. We talked about my sister and how she was engaged and how since that announcement was made my entire family had been asking me when that would happen to me. Once I was more then a little tipsy I told him that I never thought I would get married, and the thought of kids made me cringe. I grew up being the youngest in my family until I turned 18 so I guess you could say that I didn't have much experience with kids even though I was a babysitter for a few years. After about an hour we were interrupted this time by his cell phone ringing. He ignored it at first but the caller was being persistent so I told him to take the call.

"Sorry, this will just be a second," he said while reaching into his pocket and taking out his blackberry. I thought he was going to walk away so that I couldn't hear what he was saying, but he sat back down when he answered, "Hey Mama...I'm actually at a bar right now...I told Rachel not to call you...I'm fine, more then fine...Yes, I promise...I'll call you tomorrow...Love you too, goodnight." He hit the end button, threw the phone on the table and gulped down the rest of his drink. He got the waiters attention and while he cleared our plates, Justin ordered another round. I waited for him to say something but he just played with his empty glass until the waiter came back with our drinks.

"My mom thinks I'm crazy because I'm at a bar with you," he said taking a sip, "little does she know this is the longest most intriguing conversation I've had with someone that doesn't actually work for me in years. I don't really know what I was expecting, and honestly for a second I thought I might be crazy, but I'm not," he was rambling and I wanted to stop him but he just kept going. "I didn't think I'd end up at a bar with you when I first wanted to meet you, I thought I'd just talk to you for a few minutes. Hell what am I talking about I didn't really know what to expect and I was fucking nervous as hell. And now I'm sitting here talking to you and I don't want to leave, I don't want to leave this bar, this city, you. I mean you're a fan I've never done this before, whatever it is I'm doing..."

"Justin," I said but he didn't hear me.

"I'm comfortable with you. I let some of my guard down with you after just a few hours, who does that? You're treating me like a normal person and looking past what I do for a living, you're getting to know Justin not Justin Timberlake music superstar. I hate that people are questioning me and not letting me live my life, I can make my own damn decisions and if I want to go to a bar with a stranger, I'll go to a bar with a stranger and I shouldn't be checked up on."

"Justin..."

"I didn't expect to actually like you, or connect with you. I didn't expect to feel the way I do..."

"JUSTIN," I screamed this time and he stopped and looked at me. I didn't really know what I wanted to say but I had to stop him. He was getting upset and saying things that he might regret in the morning when he was sober. "You're not crazy," I started and took a big breath. "I mean you might be crazy, but I don't see it, not yet anyway. And I can only imagine how it feels to be put under a microscope everyday of your life, but your family and friends are just looking out for your best interests. I'm sure they don't want to see you hurt. They don't know me; they haven't been sitting here talking to me for close to 4 hours so they're just concerned for you. And to top it off, you sir, are drunk so I don't want you to say things you're going to regret in the morning."

"I know they're concerned and I'm overreacting and I may just be a little drunk, but I know I'm not going to regret what I say in the morning. Drunken words are sober thoughts right?" he said and took another sip of his drink.

"From my experience yes, that statement is true," I replied while swirling my drink on the table not able to really look at him.

"I want to get to know you. I want to know everything about you. You've told me so much but I know that there's so much more to you then what you say." I didn't know how to respond. He was right, after just a few hours he could see right through me. Sure I told him about my parents and school and the rest of my family. I've talked to him about what I want in the future, but he had no idea about my past and as comfortable as I was with him I couldn't let my guard down. I couldn't let him in because of the fear that was lingering over my head. What if I let him in and he left me hanging out to dry. At the end of the day he's Justin Timberlake, sure I can see past that sitting with him now, but he's touring the world and I'm a college student. He leaves tomorrow for a different state and in two weeks he'll be in LA 3,000 miles away. How could I let my guard down knowing that not only would he be leaving me, but he'd be leaving me in just a few hours. "I know what you're thinking," he said and took my hand into his, "you're scared because of who I am. You think I might use you or hurt you somehow and I want you to know that I won't. There's nothing else I can say to prove that to you right now, you just have to trust me." He told me this while looking into my eyes, and those baby blues were pleading with me to believe him just like they had years before.

"You leave tomorrow," I said while pulling my hand away from his, "I'm in college, what is it that you want to happen?"

"I want you to give me a chance."

"A chance for what Justin?" I was getting angry now, "You want me to give you a chance, to open up to you, to let my guard down. You want me to trust you. How can I trust you? I've know you for a few hours, and you want me to break down a wall that it took me years to build up. I'm comfortable with you yes, but I can't just let you in and give you a chance to break me down. I can't let that happen. I can't handle being hurt again." I could feel the tears start to form again. Apparently today was going to be a tear fest. "If I get hurt again...I don't know if I'll be able to pick up the pieces this time." A single tear slid down my cheek, and this time it was me that picked up my glass and gulped the rest of my drink down.

"I know you want to trust me. You wouldn't have told me everything that you have if you didn't. Give me a chance Marissa, maybe I can help."

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't need help Justin. I'm just fine the way I am."

"I'm not saying you should change, but you should be happy," he said softly while reaching for my hand again.

"Who said I wasn't happy?"

"These," he said while wiping the tears that were sliding down my red cheeks, "these tell me that you're not happy."

"I'm happy right now...and it's scary. I can't just let my guard down that easily Justin, I'm sorry."

"So let it down little by little and just give me a chance." My mind was going in twenty different directions. I wanted to believe him, and I wanted to give him a chance. I've had my guard up for years, and he was right I wasn't happy. I lived life just to live it and not with a purpose. I hadn't smiled as much as I did tonight in God only knows how long. I wanted to believe him; I wanted to give him a chance. Then there was something else that was telling me it was a bad idea. But I'd listened to that something else for too long. Justin nailed it on the head, that's what I was missing...happiness. So I ignored that something else and for the first time in a very long time I went with my gut.

"Promise you won't try and knock my wall down all at once? You'll take it slow?"

"As slow as you want."

"Don't hurt me," I said it as a statement but inside I begging.

"I promise you," he said while getting off of his seat and walking over to me.

"Don't make promises you can't keep Justin."

"I promise you I will not hurt you."

"Okay, and I promise to TRY to let my guard down," I said while resisting the strong urge to reach out, grab his face and put his lips on mine.

"Good," he almost whispered. "I can figure out my schedule, we can IChat until I'm off tour. I'll come visit when I'm done, and you can come out to LA for a long weekend."

"We'll go slow," I said trying to convince myself that this was a good idea.

"We'll go slow." The last call bell was being rung and he was standing directly in front of me with his hands on my shoulders. He dipped down to look into my eyes and I wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I want to kiss you," I said shocking myself that I actually said it out loud.

"I want to kiss you too," he replied while slowly moving closer to my face. I closed my eyes not knowing what to expect. Was this really happening to me? Just this morning I was excited to go to the concert of one of my idols, and now he's only centimeters away from my face. How was this ever going to work? What is this even? A friendship? A relationship? My mind was wondering when I felt the softest lips I've ever felt on mine. He didn't push it though, he wasn't rough or asking for more then I wanted to give him. Inside I knew that this was right. I knew it would be hard and it would be a lot to get use to, but the moment his lips touched mine I knew it was a risk I was ready and willing to take. "Come back to my hotel with me," he said as more of a statement then a question.

"Justin, we already went over this."

"I'm not asking you to sleep with me, I just want to spend as much time with you as I can before I have to leave. We'll stay up all night and order room service. We could watch a movie, anything you want," he looked at me with pleading eyes.

"How about we just talk?" I said.

"I'd really like that," he responded while holding me close to him. He pushed back and looked that the bill the waiter had left on the table, took out his wallet and dropped a $200 on the table.

"Quite the tipper I see."

"When people don't cause scenes they get rewarded," he said with a chuckle as he reached out for my hand. I took his hand, hopped off the bar stool and walked over to the owner to thank him for everything. Justin came over and thanked him as well as signing an autograph for his daughter, something I learned he didn't mind doing as long as people left him alone while he was eating or drinking. We went out the back door of the bar and I started walking towards the car. He asked me to wait where I was and he walked around to the driver side window. A minute later he was walking back to me and the car was pulling away.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I want to walk back with you, you can show me some of your favorite places to go in the city."

"You want to walk around Boston without a bodyguard or anything?"

"It's 2:15 in the morning, I think we'll probably be safe."

"Okay," I said almost scolding him, "but if you get hounded I'm running away."

"I'm fine with that as long as it's back to my room...deal?" He asked while sticking out his hand. I put my hand in his and he squeezed it tight. I looked up at him and smiled the most genuine smile I had in a long time.

This girl is something else. We walked and walked and walked around Boston. It was the most freedom I've had in years. No bodyguard, no one coming up to me and asking for an autograph. It's amazing what a baseball hat and darkness can do for you. She showed me all the places she hangs out at with friends, bars she goes to on the weekend, and the karaoke place she frequents, not to sing because according to her she's tone deaf, but to "watch people make fools of themselves." We walked by her school, which is literally spread out all over Boston, and we past her dorm. I waited outside for her while she freshened up, and decided to give Trace a call. He was the only person I knew that would be awake at 4am, and the only person I knew that wouldn't scream at me for doing what I did.

"What's wrong?" an out of breath Trace said as he answered the phone.

"Nothings wrong, I can't call my best friend? And what the hell are you doing that you're out of breath? If you were having sex and stopped to answer the phone that's just wrong man."

"Yes you can call your best friend but it's 4 in the morning, most phone calls at this hour means there's something wrong."

"You didn't answer the most important part of that question."

"I wasn't having sex. And if I was I wouldn't stop for you especially now that I know you call at 4 in the morning for no good reason."

"So you're just out of breath from reaching for the phone?"

"I'm doing Sweating to the Oldies okay?"

"Shut the fuck up. I hope you have short shorts and a tank top on...Sweating to the Oldies, who the fuck still does that? Do you have it on VHS or something?" I asked while catching my breath from laughing so hard.

"Fuck you dude...how is she anyway?

"How's who?"

"The girl that just left your hotel room that you made Eric get from the fucking audience tonight you psycho."

"Rachel just can't keep her mouth shut can she?"

"Nope, if you want info Rachel is the one to go to. Plus your mom called me in a panic and told me to 'go talk to your friend who has clearly lost his mind.'"

"First of all she didn't just leave my hotel room, I'm waiting outside for her right now. We went to a bar and walked around Boston, after she had some sort of panic attack or something. It's a long story that I'll tell you some other time. And second of all, remind me to fire Rachel tomorrow."

"She's just looking out for you man, she's your cousin. If you want someone to not care about you then you should have hired someone that wasn't a member of your highly protective family."

"Whatever, she needs to learn how to keep her mouth shut."

"So...tell me about the girl. It's not every day you pick a stranger out of the audience and take them to a bar and a romantic stroll around town."

"I know right, I think I sort of surprised myself. If I'm being honest with you I was scared as hell before I met her, but after talking to her and spending time with her I'm the most comfortable I've ever been around a woman. I've known her for a few hours but it feels like it's been forever. I know it sounds so stupid but I think I have feelings for her. After like 15 minutes I forgot that she was even a fan, until her cell phone rang with my song playing that is," I said with a chuckle remembering the look on her face when she realized what was happening. "But she's something else, she's special. I want to pick her apart and figure her out. She's not someone I'd normally want to do that with, I definitely wouldn't say she was my type but..."

"Are you sure you're not looking too deep into this J. You haven't had a relationship in a while, do you really have feelings for her or are you just looking anywhere for a relationship."

"Well...I guess I don't know, but I really do think I have feelings for her. It's a little scary."

"You know I'll support you in whatever you do man, but don't jump right into anything. You're on tour, you're a celebrity and she's...well...not a celebrity. I don't want to see you hurt, and honestly you've got to think about her too and how much of a roller coaster ride it would be for her. It would completely change her life, literally flip it upside down."

"I guess I didn't even think about that. She knows I'm on tour for another 2 weeks, and then I'm going back to LA...I mean we kind of talked about it and agreed to take it slow."

"And what exactly is it that you're taking slow?"

"I...shit she's coming outside I gotta go," I said as I saw her walking towards me with a duffle bag over her shoulder.

"Think about what your doing Justin...and don't just think about yourself," he said seriously.

"Thanks man...and sorry I took you away from Richard Simmons..."

"Go fuck yourself," he screamed before he slammed the phone shut. I clicked the end button on my phone while chuckling to myself. I looked up and saw her talking to someone who I assumed was her friend. The girl started pointing at me and I saw Marissa look at me nervously while shaking her head at the girl. She gave her a hug, walked outside and without even stopping grabbed my hand and practically started running down the street.

"Whoa, slow down, what's wrong?" I asked as I pulled her back to stop. She turned around and looked behind me before she started talking.

"This girl on my floor saw you standing outside and asked me if I was with you," she stopped for a second to catch her breath before she continued, "I thought she just wanted to know who the strange guy was standing outside so I told her that you were waiting for me. Then she asked me if you were...you. I told her you weren't...you...God that sounds so strange to say," she said laughing a little, "but I probably made a face and I don't think she believed me, so I'm trying to get you out of here so that people don't jump you like a dead car battery."

"Jump me like a dead car battery huh? That's one I've never heard before. You don't have to freak out, I have encountered fans on the street you know, every damn time I walk out of my house."

"I know but...can we just go...we were having fun and I don't want to be the reason it's ruined."

"Sure," I said as I started to walk again, "and just so you know, the fun wouldn't be ruined if I got stopped. I haven't had this much fun in a while." She didn't say another word to me until we got to the hotel. She stopped right before we got to the elevators,

"What floor are you on?"

"The top floor...20th I think."

"Oh," she said looking down at the ground, "is this really a good idea?"

"I already told you I'm not going to try and sleep with you."

"I know...it's just..."

"It's just what?"

"I don't really do elevators, I mean I got in one with Eric because I was frazzled but that was the first time in like 7 years."

"Are you claustrophobic or something?"

"No, something happened once in an elevator and ever since then if I get in one it brings me back and I basically have a panic attack. I'm a freak I know."

"We've already gone over this, you are NOT a freak," I said. "We'll take the stairs."

"20 flights? Why don't I take the stairs and meet you there."

"We're taking the stairs," I said as I grabbed the duffle bag off of her shoulder, "let's go."

What felt like thousands of stairs later we finally made it to the top floor. I was in shape, but damn was I out of breath when we got to the top. About half way up I realized that I was walking up 20 flights of stairs for this girl, that's got to mean something right? Anybody else I'd probably tell them to have a blast and meet them upstairs, or tell them I had a great night but that's just ridiculous. But this girl, I didn't even think twice about walking up 20 fucking flights of stairs with her so that we could spend just a few more hours together. I thought a lot about what Trace said to me on the phone too. What are we taking slow? A friendship or more? Do I really want to flip her life upside down? Would she even be willing to have her life flipped upside down? How in God's name is whatever this is going to work living 3,000 miles away from each other?

We got to my room and it took me 3 tries to get the fucking door to open. One day they are going to realize that plastic was not meant to open doors and go back to normal metal keys. I held the door open for her and let her walk in ahead of me. I noticed her looking around at what was one of the nicest hotel rooms I've ever stayed in. It was the Ritz, and the hotel room was over 4,000 square feet and a family of six could have easily lived here comfortably. I never understood why they got such a huge room just for me, all I really needed was a bed and a bathroom but since I'm Justin Timberlake they book me the fucking penthouse. The dogs must have heard the door unlock because they came barreling over to us. Marissa was so busy checking the place out, Brennon practically knocked her over when he jumped on her. She got down to his level and pet him while he licked her face, clearly she was a dog lover or that wouldn't be happening. I brought her duffle bag into the master suite, and changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt while she played with the dogs. When I came back out she was sitting on the couch in the living room with both dogs on each side of her legs. I sat down next to her and turned Sports Center on while kicking my feet up on the coffee table.

"You got quiet awfully fast," she said.

"Me? No."

"You haven't said a word since the lobby."

"Sorry, I didn't realize, I've just been thinking I guess." She curled her legs under her and scooted over closer to me.

"Bout what?" she asked before she grabbed my chin and spun my face so that I was looking at her and not the TV. I was now in the hot seat She was answering questions left and right all night and now it was my turn. It was a pretty involved question and I wasn't sure how to answer it. So I tried to turn the tables and ask her a question.

"What are you thinking about," I asked while tapping her knee.

"Oh no, you're not getting out of it that easily," she said, "what's on your mind." There was no way around it, I had to answer the question so I tried to do it as honestly as possible without making her think I should be placed in a mental hospital.

"I've never done this before, met a fan and do this...I know we haven't even known each other for 24 hours but I have feelings for you. I like getting to know you, I've had fun with you, you're just I don't know...someone I really enjoy being around." I took a minute to collect my thoughts before I continued. "I don't know what we have going on here, a friendship or something more, but I was talking to Trace on the phone when you went to change and he made me realize that if you get involved with me, I'm not the only one that's going to be effected. Being friends with me or dating me it's a challenge not only because I have my flaws but also because everything is put under a microscope. You're life would probably go from zero to one hundred in a matter of days. I don't want to do that to you if you don't want to, but selfishly I want you to want to." I squeezed her knee that was now on top of my legs and waited for a response. I was preparing for her to tell me that she has school and a job and can't have her life rearranged, and prepping myself to get over her as quickly as possible. I could tell she was trying to think of how she wanted to say what she was feeling. She said 'okay' about five times before she actually started her response.

"I haven't been comfortable having a normal everyday conversation with someone in a long time, never mind talking about myself or my family and what I want in life. I won't lie when I found out I was going to meet you I may or may not have shit my pants, I was scared and hoped that maybe I'd come out of it with an autograph. And then almost immediately I didn't care about the autograph anymore and just wanted to get to know the real you. I told you things that only one other person in this world knows about, things that I swore I would never tell someone again, and I told you within a matter of hours. It's almost like I can't even control what I'm saying. I have my life here. I just started my junior year of college, and I have every intention of graduating. I have my job, and my friends, and adding you into the mix would probably cause utter insanity." Here comes the tough part, I thought to myself. They always start with the good stuff before they break you down. "But I think I could go for some utter insanity in my life," my head shot up from looking down at the couch, "I have my flaws too Justin, A LOT of them. And I have a past that right now I'm not ready to share with you. I've been hurt by a lot of people in a lot of different ways, and I've built up a huge wall that will probably take a while to break down. But if you're willing to walk me through this...SLOWLY...I think I want to give this," she pointed back and forth between me and her, "a shot. I have a lot of baggage though I'm warning you in advance."

"I can handle baggage."

"Please don't hurt me. I don't know if I'll be able to put myself back together if you do. I can't handle the pain again." I turned my body and put both of my hands on her shoulder. I looked her dead in the eyes and told her that I would do everything in my power to never hurt her myself, and protect her from anyone else that tried, and then I closed my eyes leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. After a few second she opened her eyes and with a huge smile on her face said,

"I think I might be able to get use to this."

"Me too," I said as I pulled her into a hug. We laid together on the couch watching Sports Center with the dogs both snoring on the floor next to us. After 20 minutes I could feel her breath steadying on my neck so I picked her up and brought her to the bedroom. She curled up on her side when I placed her in bed and put the covers over her. I began to walk out of the room when I heard her softly ask where I was going. "I was going to sleep in the other room, I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable." She sat up and opened one eye and said,

Last night I fell asleep in Justin's arms, and I slept like a baby. I'd wake up every once and a while and feel his breath on me and I thought I was dreaming every time. Less then 24 hours ago I was just a college student living in Boston, and now I'm waking up in the arms of Justin Timberlake. He stayed true to his word too, he didn't try anything. He put me into bed and almost left to sleep in the other room, but I made him stay with me. When he got into bed I curled up next to him and felt his arm go around me and he rubbed my back until I fell asleep. I felt a soft kiss on my forehead about an hour later and soon after felt his breath become steady and heard him snoring lightly. His alarm went off at 7am, a measly four hours after we had fallen asleep. He rolled over to turn it off and I immediately got cold the moment he rolled away from me. I couldn't open my eyes so I reached for him to pull him back over to me. He pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head.

"Ris?"

"Mmhmm," I said while putting little kisses on his bare chest.

"My flights at 10," he said softly.

My mind started racing. His flights at 10. In 3 hours he'll be leaving for a different state, and my life will be back to normal like none of this ever happened. I knew all along this was going to happen but I made myself forget. I never meant to have feelings for him; none of this was suppose to happen to little old me. Questions started running through my mind. Will he find someone else just like he found me? Does he really mean it when he says we'll work something out? Was this a one night thing?  Will I ever see him again? Does he feel the same way I do? Is it even possible that this would work? Whatever this is. One thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to lose whatever we had. I didn't want another day to go by that I didn't wake up next to him. It felt so right, so comfortable, and so perfect. I wasn't looking at him as Justin Timberlake anymore, he was just Justin. A person that I have a connection with, someone with whom I've enjoyed nearly every moment we've spent together.

"I know you're flipping out," he said with his chin on my head and his hand rubbing up and down on my back, "don't."

"I can't help it," I replied with my eyes still closed savoring each moment he was next to me.

"I know I'm going to be busy, but you will be too with school and work and stuff. The time will go by faster then you think, and if you want to come out to some shows I'll fly you out. I definitely want you there for the last show; it's a Saturday so you don't have class. IChat is a beautiful thing that should be put to use, and once I'm done with the tour we can figure everything else out."

"Yeah," was all I could manage to say.

He scooted down further on the bed so that we were eye level. I kept my eyes closed in fear now that I would cry if I looked at him. I couldn't help but think that this was all going to be over the minute he got on a plane and flew to Ohio.

"Look at me," he said softly. When I didn't open my eyes I felt soft lips go from my forehead to my nose, to each cheek, and land effortlessly onto my lips, "please?" he said after pulling away. I opened my eyes and looked into his. I could see that he had some fear in his eyes to. Maybe he thought I wouldn't want to do it, or that I couldn't handle it. Or maybe he thought that I would turn around and say whatever we had meant nothing. "I will do everything in my power to make this work," he said to me.

"What is this?" I questioned.

"Me and you."

"But what are we Justin? Friends or something more? Should I expect you to go on tour and hook up with other people and not get upset about it?"

"That's not going to happen."

"Then tell me what this is."

"It's new and different for me," he said after a moment, "I want to explore what a relationship with you would be like. I have no intentions on dating anyone else and I would hope that you don't either. But I can't tell you exactly how it's going to work because I've never done this before.  What I can tell you is that I will make it work, somehow, someway."

"I've been told I'm awful at relationships."

"I really don't give a shit what you've been told," he said laughing.

"I'm scared."

"I will not hurt you. I know that you can't fully believe that and I don't take offense to it because I know it's not because of me, but Marissa," he said while placing his hands on both sides of my face, "I will not hurt you."

"I have this fear of people just leaving me...it's happened so much that I think it will always happen again, and you'll be leaving me all the time."

"I'm a phone call away, I might not physically be with you but I'm not going to leave you stranded. We WILL figure this out...I promise. You're something special Marissa, and I'm just as scared as you are, but we can make this work."

"You'll call when you can?"

"Everyday."

"We'll IChat regularly?"

"As much as you want."

"You'll tell me if it's not working and won't drag me along?"

"That's not even a question because it will work."

"Justin..." I said giving him a stern look.

"I will tell you if it's not working and won't drag you along."

"You'll kiss me right now and stay in bed with me until you absolutely have to get ready to leave?"

He put his lips on mine and tangled his fingers in my hair. I slipped my tongue in between his lips to let him know that I wanted it just as much as he did. After what felt like hours of the most unbelievable make out session of my life, he kissed me on my nose and pulled me as close to him as possible. I could feel his heart beating on my chest, and I kissed every inch of his body that was readily available to me. I was about to fall back to sleep when he looked at the clock at saw that it was 8:00. Even though he was Justin Timberlake he still had to be at the airport at least an hour before take off. I knew that he was going to say he had to go but deep down I was hoping that he would just stay with me and forget about everything he had to do.

"Please don't go," I said before he could say anything.

"You know I have to."

"Justin..." I whined as he rolled over and threw the covers off of us. 

"Come on, help me pack up and I'll take you back home," he said.

"Take me with you?"

"Don't tempt me woman, I know how important school is to you I'm not going to let you quit just for me."

"Ugh...why do you always have to be right?"

"Don't you read the magazines? I'm perfect!"

I mumbled a 'yeah right' under my breath as I got out of bed. I helped him pack up his clothes and clean up a little bit. We had room service bring us some breakfast and we ate at the table practically in silence. Neither one of us wanted this moment to come, but we both knew that it had to. My life was about to become a whirlwind, and his life was going to be filled with new challenges. We agreed to not go public with anything until we figured out how it was all going to work. He told me I could tell my friends but I don't trust them enough, so I had to figure out a way to secretly date America's most Wanted Bachelor. I cleared the plates and left them outside of the door, and when I went back in he had his luggage in one hand, and my bag in the other.

"We're taking the elevator," he said.

"Correction, YOU are taking the elevator, I'm taking the stairs."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him.

"You're getting in this elevator with me, and you will be fine, I won't let anything happen to you."

"Justin, I am not getting in that elevator," I said.

The next thing I knew he dropped his bag, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. I tried kicking and screaming, but it wasn't working, and I soon realized that if I were to ever get mugged I had no chance. He didn't seem effected in any way by my kicks or punches to the back so I gave up when I heard the elevator doors open and with one last unsuccessful plea Justin walked into the elevator and put me down when the doors closed.

"Just talk to me, you'll be fine," he said not taking his eyes off of me.

Every time I was in an elevator it brought me back to where I didn't want to be. I felt the walls closing in on me as the elevator started its decent. I couldn't focus and I could feel a panic attack brewing. The elevator stopped on the 10th floor and I attempted to run off but Justin grabbed me by my arm and pulled me back up against that back of the elevator. He took my face in his hands and looked my in the eyes, "Look at me," I heard him say and I did as I was told. I got lost in his eyes and was able to focus solely on him, and not soon after we were walking off of the elevator into the lobby.

"See, nothing to worry about," he said

"I'm never getting in another elevator again, that was a limited time offer and the time has now expired" was my response.

"We'll see about that."

 I spotted Eric and the security guard that was near the elevator yesterday. Justin kept his head down as we walked over to them hand in hand.

"Told you I'd see you soon, I'm Lonnie," the other guard said.

"You were right," I chuckled, "I'm Marissa."

Justin told them that before they went to the airport they had to drop me off at my dorm. A black Escalade with tinted windows was waiting for us out front and right before Justin opened the door to the lobby to go outside he let go of my hand. It was my first taste of what it was like to be Justin Timberlake's girlfriend, but not being allowed to let anyone know. I stopped in my tracks for a moment but then I felt Eric's hand on my back pushing me along to the waiting SUV. Justin held the door open for me and I was a little surprised to see three people already in the back seat. He got in after me and officially introduced me to his cousin Rachel and two members of his "team." I only lived a couple of blocks away, so Justin had the driver pull into a side ally by my building. He grabbed my duffle bag and got out of the car while everyone else in the car was giving him a look as to say 'what the fuck are you doing?" 

"It's broad daylight Justin," I said after I closed the door to the car.

"We're in an ally it's fine. I can handle myself and if for some reason anything happens where I can't, there are 2 very capable people just a few feet away." He looked at me with sad eyes when he saw the first of many tears starting to fall. "I know it's hard, and I know you're scared, I am too. We're going to figure this out, we'll figure out a system and make this work okay?" he asked pulling me into a hug.

"Okay," I said through sniffles.

"I'll call you when I land and after the show." I shook my head but couldn't bring myself to say anything. It was this moment that was either going to change the rest of my life for the better, or for worse and at that time not knowing which way it was going to go scared the shit out of me. "Trust me," he said before placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

"I'm trying," I managed.

"That's all I can ask for." He kissed my nose before my lips and assured me again that it was all going to work out, and I believed him. For the first time in years I believed the words coming out of someone else's mouth. This was either a turn in the right direction or it was going to come back and bite me in the ass, I would soon find out. I gave a wave goodbye with teary eyes to everyone in the car before he closed the door after he got back in. I couldn't watch the car drive away so I turned and started walking to my building before it did, and no sooner did I take two steps, I heard Justin,

"Maris," I turned to see his head sticking out a moving vehicle, "I'll call you, I promise," he said with a wave. I couldn't help but laugh at how foolish he looked and I waved back before watching the big black truck fade to nothing after it turned the corner.

I walked into my room and threw myself face first onto my bed before screaming as loud as I could into my pillow not realizing that my roommate heard me scream. I jumped 10 feet in the air when she came into my room and asked if I was okay. After assuring her I was fine she asked the one question I had hoped no one would ask me.

"So...where were you all night?"

"Out," was all I could come up with.

"Who is he?"

"Who is who Amy?"

"The guy, you must have been with a guy if you come strolling in here at 8:45 in the morning wearing the same thing you wore last night."

"It's a very long story," I said while getting up off of my bed attempting to make an exit.

"I have time," she said sitting down on one of my oversized chairs.

"Well I don't." I grabbed my bathrobe and started walking into the bathroom to take a shower and clear my head.

"I WILL GET THIS OUT OF YOU MITCHELL," I heard Amy scream down the hall. 'Good luck' I thought to myself.

I got out of the shower and took a deep breath to fill my lungs with all of the steam that filled the now foggy bathroom. After one hour in a burning hot shower I realized that I just need to go with the flow. Whatever happens happens and I just couldn't get too attached. These first two weeks should tell me if I'll be able to do this distance/traveling thing, and if I can't handle it well I haven't invested too much of my time into anything yet and maybe we could still be friends. And if things worked out okay, well then this could lead to something great and unexpected. Either way it was a win/win situation, I just had to think positive. I opened the bathroom door and let the stream travel into the hallway. Halfway to my room I heard a beep from my phone indicating that I had a missed call, and a double beep telling me I had a voicemail. I looked at my phone. Two missed calls, the first was from Jen who I yet again forgot to call, and the second was from Justin. My heart immediately skipped a beat when I saw his name, and then almost automatically I started to worry because there was no way he was already in Ohio. I held down the 1 to listen to my messages.

"MARISSA NO MIDDLE NAME MITCHELL, you better call me immediately or I'm going to kick your ass. First you leave me stranded outside and won't tell me what the hell you're doing, then you don't call me when you get home. You're lucky there is security in your building. Please call me when you get this I need to know that everything is okay. I know where you live." I will definitely get in trouble for that, I thought to myself as I hit 7 to delete Jen's voicemail and prayed that I would never hear her scream like that again.

"Next new message," said my always chipper answer machine lady.

"Hey it's me...Justin. I'm not in Ohio yet, I'm sitting in airport security waiting to board my plane and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm suppose to be boarding in about 5 minutes," I turned and looked at my clock 10:35, 'shit' I thought to myself, "I hope you're okay and you're not ignoring my call. I'll call you the minute I land and I expect you to answer or else I'm going to get on the next flight to Boston and come kick your ass," that's the second person that's threatened to kick my ass in a matter of 2 minutes, I'm on a roll I thought to myself. "Seriously though, it's going to be fine. WE are going to be fine. I pinky promise. Talk to you in a couple of hours, and no more tears. Bye Ris."

I felt a huge smile creep on my face as I hit 9 to save the message. I threw my phone on my bed and let out a deep sigh of relief.

"What's that smile for?"

"Jesus Christ Amy, must you continue to sneak up on me?"

"Sorry...but not sorry enough to not bug you for answers."

"UGH AMY, yes there is a guy and no I don't want to talk about it. Not yet at least."

"When do I get to meet this mystery man?"

"Not anytime soon," I said surprising myself that I said it out loud.

"And why is that?"

"Because I won't be seeing him for 2 weeks, and when I do see him it will be in a different state. And plus you know I don't let you meet guys unless I think they could be the real deal."

"Is this why I've never met anyone you've dated?"

"They've never been the real deal now have they?"

"Touché," she said walking out of my room.

I closed and locked my door to avoid any more mystery man discussion with Amy. I picked out a cute outfit and got dressed and ready for class. I walked out of my building and felt the hot sun on my face and began to regret taking summer classes like I did every other day of my life. I looked down the ally where Justin and I were just a couple of hours before and saw people walking to and from the shops at Downtown Crossing. "This," I thought to myself, "could just be the real deal."

I left Boston a week ago with the unknown hanging over my head. When the car started to pull away I didn't know if that was the last time I was ever going to see her. She seemed so upset that I was leaving and I wasn't sure if she would be able to handle everything that went along with being my girlfriend. My girlfriend...it sounds so weird to say. I've been single for a couple of years and not only has it been a while but we just met and she's a fan. One upside to that though, it would probably be easier to keep it quiet. The minute they get a picture of me saying hello to another celeb they automatically link me to dating them, so maybe since she isn't known they won't link us together and we can work on figuring out how this will all work without dealing with craziness on top of it. I'm by no means ashamed to be dating her, but I don't want to throw her in head first into something that will completely fuck with her life. I want her to be completely comfortable with me, and trust me fully before we add more stress to our relationship.

It's been interesting dealing with the every day hustle and bustle of tour and finding time to get in touch with her. It's been difficult but exciting all at the same time. My day is jam packed so being able to eat is sometimes a luxury, but after the first couple of days we kind of figured out a system. She had early morning classes and I had early morning rehearsals, so after I was out of rehearsal I'd call her and I was able to talk for at least a few minutes each day, and after the show depending on what time zone I was in, we'd IChat before bed. It gave me something to look forward to every day rather then just go through the motions, and apparently I've been in a better mood according to Rachel, Eric and Lonnie. Even though Rach was skeptical about it at first, she's come to enjoy the fact that I'm starting to say no to interviews if they aren't critical to my career and I'm taking some time out of the day for myself which gives her more free time then usual. The other day she informed me that I hadn't bitched at her all week and she was becoming quite fond of Marissa for this sole reason. I was happier, I woke up each morning looking forward to something and it made me want to get through my day as quickly as possible which made me attempt to do everything right the first time. My shows were getting better and everyone felt more comfortable because I was being just a little bit less of an asshole.

The day I landed in Ohio after leaving Boston Marissa told me about how her roommate was grilling her with questions about where she was and who she was with the night before. She somehow managed to get out of the conversation without giving away too many details but she did tell her that she had met someone. Since that day Amy had been bugging her to find out who it was, and I could tell it was taking a toll on her not being able to give away to many details. A week later in the middle of my show during a wardrobe change, Rachel raced into the room with panic written all over her face.

"What's wrong Rach?" I asked while buttoning up a new shirt.

"Marissa..." was all she could say before catching her breath.

"What? What about Marissa...RACHEL SPIT IT OUT!" I screamed knowing that I had to be back on stage in less then a minute. I could feel the drums, and the bass was shaking the floor. My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest.

"She called...something about a girl telling the school magazine that she saw you guys together. People have been hounding her, she doesn't know what to do," she said quickly.

The last thing I wanted to do at that moment was go on stage and perform for another hour. I knew this whole going incognito thing wasn't going to last for long. I had to figure something out fast to get her out of the situation she was in, damage control was needed ASAP.

"What day is today?" I screamed over the music to Rachel.

"Friday," she yelled as I walked past her to the platform that was going to rise with or without me on it in about 10 seconds.

"Call her back and book her a flight Rach, get her the fuck out of Boston and tell her I'll call her the moment I step off stage," I said as the platform began to rise. The lights went down above me and I heard thousands of screams. I looked at Rachel and she was just standing there. "Do it Rachel...NOW."

No sooner did I say that, I was on stage singing and dancing with a smile on my face like nothing was wrong but inside I was flipping out.

Don't be so quick to walk away
Dance with me

Is the magazine popular enough that millions of people already read it?

I wanna rock your body
Please stay

Have the paparazzi already gotten to her?

Dance with me
You don't have to admit you wanna play

Is she crying? Did I make her cry this time?

Dance with me
Just let me rock you

Is it all going to be over as quickly as it started?

Till the break of day

The last hour of the show felt like days. I couldn't really concentrate on what I was doing and started to run into dancers and forget the lyrics to my own damn songs. Luckily I have fans that know every word to every song I ever put out so with some quick thinking, putting the microphone out to the audience made it seem like it was all planned in advance. During Lovestoned I completely disregarded the beat boxing and luckily for me this tour I was in control and with a few hand signals I was able to stop everyone else from it too thus cutting the song by at least 5 minutes. After Sexyback I went to change for the last time, and as I was running back up to the stage not even two minutes after I sprinted off of it, Tim stopped me.

"You okay man? You were a little frazzled out there dude."

"Yeah I'm fine," I said trying to get away. Marissa wasn't the only one keeping our relationship a secret. Only three people knew that we were actually in a relationship, and I wanted to keep it that way for now. I haven't even told my Mama.

"You sure?"

"FUCK MAN I'm fine, can you let me go now so I can finish the show?" 

If he hadn't thought something was wrong before he definitely knew something was wrong now, but he let me go and I ran back on stage. I totally cut out my thank you to the fans, thinking about it now that was the one thing that I should have left in. I flew through Another Song and ran around the stage bowing like a crazy person. I got out of there as fast as possible and literally sprinted back to my dressing room with Lonnie and Eric attempting to keep up behind me. The dogs jumped on me as soon as I opened the door and I looked around frantically for Rachel. I heard her walking down the hall having a one sided conversation which meant she was on the phone, I spun around the minute I heard her voice and looked at her with questioning eyes and she started jogging towards me.

"Hold on," she said to whoever she was talking to.

"SO?" I asked

"Here," she said handing me the phone, "it's her." I grabbed the phone out of her hands like she stole my favorite toy and I almost dropped it putting it up to my ear.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine," she said her voice shaking a little.

"Did Rach book you a flight?"

"Justin you don't need to fly me out there, I can handle this and plus I have work this weekend."

"So call out sick, I don't want you to have to deal with questioning it's not fair to you."

"I have it under control Justin I'm okay." She wasn't budging, but I needed her with me to see for myself that she was okay. I needed to take a different approach to this.

"What happened?"

"Do you remember that girl that stopped me when you were waiting outside for me?"

"Yeah..."

"Well she obviously didn't believe me when I said it wasn't you. She writes for the school newspaper and she wrote a two page story about how one of Suffolk's own was dating Justin Timberlake, then went and flat out said it was me. I went to class today and everyone was staring at me and I couldn't figure out why, then Amy comes barging into my room and shoves the paper in my face and tells me I have a lot of explaining to do."

"What did you tell her?"

"I denied it. Said that it wasn't you just a guy that I met that looked like you and since you were in town that night the girl just assumed."

"Did she buy it?"

"Kind of, but I'm sure she sees right through me and just wants me to believe that she believes me."

"Why don't you just tell her?"

"Because Justin, as much as I love her and want to trust her, I just don't know if I can with something this big. If I tell her and she goes to magazines not only does my life get thrown upside down, but you're career gets thrown into it. You're on tour and stressed out enough you don't need this on top of it."

She was right. If it got out that I was dating a fan things would go crazy. I only had one more week on tour and then I had a good month to two months off and we could figure out the best way to put it out there, but right now I had to focus on finishing out the tour without any added pressure. But the only way to make this all go away was if she was with me, that way no one had access to her or me. As of right now it was only published in a school newspaper and she denied it, but if it got out to any major media outlet we were both screwed. She had just finished her last week of classes; she had finals next week and then was off for 2 weeks before the fall semester started. I had to get her out here for at least the weekend to come up with a game plan.

"I know that you have work and you don't want to come out here, but Marissa please please please just for the weekend so that we can come up with a game plan and we can get you away from all the questioning."

"I have finals next week Justin, I have to study."

"So study here. I'm not saying you have to go everywhere with me, I just need you here to make sure that nothing gets blown up."

"I really don't know about this, don't you think they'll start questioning even more if I just leave?"

"Say you're going home for the weekend, no one needs to know where you're going." She took a minute to think about it. I could hear her clicking her nails on what must have been her desk, and taking one deep breath after another. I looked up and Rachel was standing exactly where she was when she handed me the phone just staring at me. I shrugged my shoulders at her and sat down on the floor of the hallway. "Ris please?" I asked now pouting into the phone.

"Shit hold on," she said quickly as I heard her drop the phone. I could hear her talking to someone in the background and I could only assume it was Amy when I heard her say 'Is it the guy? Let me talk to him.' It's funny how you can tell when people are fighting for the phone; it's like wind blowing right into the speaker. Somehow Marissa won the battle and got back on the phone.

"Sorry," she said, "My ANNOYING roommate is being a bitch."

"Marissa why don't you just tell her. If she suspects anyway it's not worth hiding from her, and she might even be helpful. I know you don't trust her but I can't imagine her going to every major magazine or media outlet, ask her to keep it quiet, and if she doesn't well it probably can't get worse then it already is, the credible media isn't quick to take the word of a college student."

"You're awfully trustworthy."

"From what you told me about her I think that she'd back you up and help keep this under wraps for at least a little longer."

"She's going to want to meet you, and she'll gush and ask for autographs and be a teeny."

"As long as she's on our side I don't care what she does...and Marissa..."

"Yeah."

"I'm booking you the first flight out of Boston the moment I hang up with you, so you might want to tell her right after you call out sick from work and while you're packing a bag for the weekend."

"You're not going to let me win are you?" she asked.

"Nope, not this time," I said, "and pack for warm weather, we're flying to Florida in the morning and we'll be there for the whole weekend."

"At least I'll be basking in the sun," she said reluctantly.

"HEY," I said attempting to take offense, "at least you'll be with me was the right response to my previous statement."

"Oh right...that too," she said with what I could tell was a smile on her face.

"Now go talk to Amy and call a cab, I'll text you with the flight details okay?"

"Ey ey captain."

"And even though what happened sucks, I can't wait to see you."

"Me too," she said, "I'll see you in a few hours...and Justin," I heard her say as I was about to end the call, "thanks."

"Your welcome, see you soon, bye," I said as I hit the end button. I breathed a big sigh of relief and looked up to see not only Rachel staring at me, but now Eric and Tim were there as well. I threw Rachel my phone and told her to book the first flight out of Boston and to make sure someone was at the airport to pick her up then I walked back to my dressing room without addressing the other two people standing in front of me. I plopped down on the couch, sweaty shirt and pants and all. I don't know how I ever thought I'd be able to keep this between us, nothing is ever that easy when every single move you make is documented. I was the idiot for going out in public without security or anything though so it was no one else's fault but mine. I didn't care so much about what it was going to do to me if it got out, I could handle it just like I have with any other relationship I've been in, but it would be a whole new ball game for her, and it scared me a little bit to think that she might not want to play ball at all because of it. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a light knock on the door and my dogs jumped off the couch where they were sitting next to me and ran over to Tim.

"You still fine?" he asked in an I told you so kind of way.

"Barely. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but it's really new and I wanted to make sure it was going to work before I put it out there." I assumed since he was standing over me while I was on the phone that he knew at least a little bit about what was going on.

"Who is she?"

"If I tell you, you have to promise me you won't talk to me like I've lost my mind."

"Don't play dude, it's not Britney again is it?"

"God no... no no no..." I said over and over again, "it definitely is NOT Britney. Her name is Marissa."

"Miller? The model...?"

"Not quite...she's actually...well she's not really famous."

"Someone from home?"

"She may or may not be a fan that I saw in the audience last week and made Eric go get and bring back to my dressing room. And we may or may not have gone to a bar after the show and spent the night together."

"Okay so it's worse then Brit," he said sitting down. "Do you know what you're getting yourself into J?"

"YES! GOD! I'm sick and tired of everyone treating me like I'm 5 years old. I've been in this business long enough to know what I'm doing is not normal and risky. I get it, but guess what...I don't give a fuck. I like this girl a lot, and I'm not just going to throw my feelings aside because she doesn't have famous attached to her name."

"As long as you know man. I won't say anything, I've got your back, just be careful..." he was interrupted by Rachel.

"Justin..."

"Yeah?" my head shot up.

"Her flights in an hour. I just talked to her and she told me to tell you she talked to Amy and that everything is good. She's on her way to the airport now, Lonnie will pick her up when she lands and take her to the hotel."

"Thanks Rach," I said with a sigh of relief.

"And I was wrong about her in the beginning, I really like her. She stands up to you and shit. You need that in your life."

"And you need to quit while you're ahead before you don't have a job," I said, "but I'm glad you like her."

She walked out with the dogs and Tim following behind her, and I hopped into the shower. I was a nervous wreck because of everything that was going on, but at the same time I was really excited that I got to see her again, and a week earlier then I expected at that. Her coming out here and dealing with this crap really shows that she's in it to win it. She's stronger then I expected her to be. Hopefully with the help of Amy this whole school newspaper thing will blow over and it will go back to what it was before it even happened. The truth is that I miss her. It's only been a week, and I've spent not even 24 hours with her but I miss her and I can't wait to see her again. So maybe this whole newspaper thing is a blessing in disguise.

The flight was short, Boston to Philly, but I HATE flying especially alone. I had one bad experience with losing an engine one time on a flight to Vegas and from then on I had to take meds before I got on a plane or else I'd have a full out panic attack. The kid behind me kicked my seat the whole way and screamed for a good hour before we landed. You would think a toddler would be sleeping by midnight. I stepped off the plane and immediately felt 10 times better; it's always nice to breath in some fresh air rather then the smelly stuffy stuff on a small plane. I met Lonnie and baggage claim, he was standing there looking like a fool with a sign that had my name on it. Like I wouldn't be able to see him or something, he's huge! I gave him a hug and we walked to the car in silence. The whole walk to the parking lot I felt very self-conscious. Were people looking at me? Did anyone know? I was fixing my shirt when Lonnie hit my arm.

"Hey...what was that for?"

"You look fine, stop fidgeting."

"I'm not fidgeting." I said, "I'm just fixing my shirt"

"You're fidgeting."

"You're violent. Didn't Eric tell you I carry Mace?" He laughed as he opened the passenger door for me. I got in and threw my bag in the back seat. As we were backing out of the spot I put the visor down to check my makeup and Lonnie told me to duck down.

"Why the hell would I do that?" I said.

"Because we've been here for 2 days, the paparazzi follow the car Justin Timberlake travels in whether he's in it or not so they'll probably be at the exit of the airport."

"Oh great," I said hunching over with a sigh, "this outta be a fun weekend."

He was right, even though I was out of view and it was only Lonnie in the car, as soon as we hit the airport exit I could see flashbulbs going off. I couldn't imagine what it would be like trying to see through all the flashes and not hitting someone. Lonnie confirmed my speculation when he started cursing left and right and flipping them off. I couldn't help but laugh a little at how angry he got. You can imagine that he had a few choice words for me due to my laughter. Once we were in the clear he told me I could sit up again and we drove about a half hour to the hotel. Luckily since we got there around 1:00 in the morning there was no one outside. I felt butterflies in my stomach when I closed the door to the SUV and started walking towards the entrance of the hotel. I wasn't allowed to walk in with Lonnie because the hotel staff would see that I was with Justin's security and that could start rumors even though they had signed confidentiality agreements. If anyone asked who I was staying with I was suppose to give them the name of one of Justin's dancers, Kenny. Lonnie gave me a room key and pulled around to enter through the back entrance. I walked into the lobby and was greeted by the girl at the front desk. She asked if I needed any help and with a simple "no" I was on my way. I looked down at the room key, Room 2507. "You've got to be kidding me," I thought to myself, "if this is going to work out he's going to have to learn to stay on the lower levels." I pushed the door to the stairwell and started my 25-story journey; luckily Lonnie was going to take my bags upstairs so I didn't have any extra weight to lug up with me. It took me a good 7-10 minutes to get all the way up, it was 1 in the morning and I was exhausted to begin with.

I opened the door to the hall and saw a sign reading Room 2505-2507 to the left. I walked all the way down to the end of the hall and looked up at two massive doors with 2507 written on them, and a do not disturb sign hanging from the door knobs. I knocked twice before I used the key Lonnie gave me to get in.  This room was almost as big as the one in Boston, and I could hear Sports Center blaring from the living room. The door clicked behind me and I walked quietly into the living room. The first thing I saw when I turned the corner was a foot hanging over the back of the couch, and a limp arm holding a remote hanging over the side. It took everything in me to not laugh out loud when I saw what was clearly an exhausted Justin sleeping on the couch. I heard a light knock on the door and a key going into the slot. I saw Lonnie walk in and I immediately put my finger to my lips to tell him to be quiet. He waved goodnight and left me to a sleeping Justin. There was so much I could do, put shaving cream in his hand and tickle his nose, scare the shit out of him, leave him to just sleep, but I decided to be nice just this one time. I walked around the couch and looked at him lying there dead to the world. His mouth was open and I could tell drool would soon be coming out of it if I didn't do something about it. I knelt down next to him and took the remote out of his hand, he didn't stir one bit. I gave him a once over and liked what I saw. He was wearing a wife beater and a pair of shorts, his hair was somewhat of a mess and he just looked so peaceful. I leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips. When he didn't move I whispered his name before I put my lips on his again, this time a little harder.

"Mmmm..." was all that could escape his mouth when he woke up.

"Hi sleepy head," I said watching him take a minute to open his eyes.

"I wasn't sleeping," he said now squinting at me.

"If that wasn't you sleeping, I don't know what is. You were practically drooling."

"I do not drool."

"I assume you don't snore either?"

"That would be a correct assumption."

"I must be in the wrong room then," I said getting up to pretend to walk out. He grabbed my arm and pulled me down so that I was lying on top of him. "Excuse me...I have a boyfriend that would be very upset if he found me in this compromising position with a strange man that doesn't drool or snore."

"Oh really?" he said kissing my nose, "then your boyfriend really isn't going to like this!"

Before I knew it he flipped me over and I was now pinned down on the couch. His mouth was pressed on mine and his tongue began fighting with mine. The stress of the whole newspaper thing felt totally worth it at this moment. If I was going to be rewarded like this after a small school newspaper incident, I myself might bring this to the press. Hell, I'll go straight to Ryan Secrest. I managed somehow to get his wife beater off and began roaming his bare back and chest. After about 10 minutes he backed away, and I whined while trying to pull him back. He pinned my arms behind me and gave me one last soft kiss on the mouth.

"No fair," I said pouting.

"I don't want to have to fist fight your boyfriend," he replied while getting up and walking over to the kitchen. "Want anything to drink?"

"Just a water I guess," I replied while fixing my shirt. He threw a bottle of water at me from across the room and I caught it with my right hand while my shirt occupied my left hand.

"You weren't supposed to catch that."

"I've played baseball my whole life, sorry I'm not Miss Priss."

"You mean softball?"

"No, I mean baseball. The only girl on my high school team, they almost didn't let me play until they saw me pitch then people were fighting over me."

"I learn something new about you everyday."

"Mmmm..." I said while taking a sip of my water, "You should feel privileged to be dating the next big MLB star," I said with a chuckle.

"Alright calm down Sammy Sosa we need to figure out a game plan here," he replied.

"Sammy Sosa is not a pitcher...God do I have to teach you everything?"

"Focus," he said serious now. "Do you think this whole school newspaper thing is going to blow up?" He was all business, this was a side of Justin I had yet to see and I wasn't sure if I liked it all to much.

"I'm tired, can't we just go to sleep and talk about this tomorrow?" I asked trying to change the subject and moving a little closer to him.

"No, because if it's going to blow up it's going to have to be dealt with first thing in the morning."

"But," I said while scooting over and straddling his legs, "I had a really bad flight and my back could really use a rub. Not to mention I had to walk up 25 flights of stairs because someone just has to be on the top floor of every hotel he goes to."

I put on my best pouty face and kissed his lips while holding his face in my hands. He tried to say something but every time he started I kissed him again until I finally saw his eyes close and felt his hands go up the back of my shirt. I was totally winning this battle. I didn't want to take part in discussing our "game plan" tonight or anything else for that matter. It had been a week since I'd actually been with him, and I'd been craving his touch since his lips left mine 7 days ago. But I knew the only way I was going to actually get out of talking about it tonight was if I made him feel like he had control of the situation. My hands were playing with his curls and his mouth was on my neck when I backed away.

"So what's the game plan?" I asked.

"No game plan," he replied while standing up with me in his arms. I wrapped my legs around him while he practically ran to the bedroom. His lips were on mine the entire time until he threw me on the bed and looked down at me with a devious smile. He knelt down on the bed straddling me and pulled me up so that I was sitting. He pulled my shirt over my head and kissed my now cold bare skin. I didn't know where this was going, and to be perfectly honest I didn't really care. What I wasn't expecting was for him to tell me to turn over onto my stomach.

"Justin," I said slightly shocked, "what is it that you plan on doing?"

He burst out laughing when he realized what I thought he was going to do, not going to lie it kind of killed the mood a bit. "I'm going to give you a back rub you perv," he said while trying to catch his breath. "That is what you said you wanted, Miss lets take this really slow."

My face immediately turned red and due to my embarrassment I was the one that was now laughing. In the heat of the moment you totally forget that you want to take things slowly especially with someone like Justin. I turned on my stomach as quickly as possible so that he wouldn't see my face turn a thousand different shades of red and put my arms down by my side. He straddled my back and sat on my ass. He kissed every inch of my back before giving me the most relaxing back rub I've ever had in my life. Every bone and muscle in my body went completely limp and I felt like I was in heaven. After a few minutes he leaned over and kiss my ear before whispering,

"I'm not going to do anything okay?" as he unhooked my bra and slid the straps down my arms. I let him continue without saying a word and prayed that he would never stop. I started to doze off and just as I was about to fall asleep completely I heard, "so about this game plan."

"Justin..." I whined, "You said no game plan."

"I was distracted."

"Can't we just talk about this tomorrow?"

"It'll take five minutes."

"Ugh, fine. But if you stop rubbing my back the conversation is over," I said reluctantly.

"Deal."

"Honestly," I started, "I don't think this school newspaper thing is going to go anywhere. They don't have any real pictures of us together, and now that I've got Amy backing my story up they have no proof, just speculation," I said with my eyes still closed focusing on his hands kneading my back.

"And what if a picture does surface somehow? I don't think you understand fully how fast your life is going to spiral out of control. There will be people following you to class trying to take your picture, people shoving cameras and microphones in your face. They'll show up to your work and ask to speak to you, or get interviews from your co-workers. You won't be able to move without someone questioning your motives, and the next thing you know your face is going to be over every single magazine cover when you wait in line at the grocery store. It sounds cool to some people, but the reality of it is that it's just the opposite. You'll need security with you 24/7 and your independence will totally be taken away. So whether there's a picture right now or not, there will be someday and we need to be prepared to handle it when it does happen."

The only thing that kept me from getting really upset was the feeling of his hands on my back, and how relaxed I was from before. I thought I had him under my control but in reality he had me under his. He knew that talking about this would make me upset and he tried to do everything he could to make it as easy as possible. It showed me how much he really did care about me, my feelings and my safety. It made me fall for him even more then I already have. I didn't say anything for a while and just tried to picture what my life would be like when that did happen. I'd probably have to start taking all online classes so that I wasn't hounded by hundreds of people daily. People at work would have to sign confidentiality agreements. My dorm would be swarming with paparazzi, and magazines would try and break me down piece my piece. They'd do research on me and dig up my past. A past that Justin still doesn't even know about. It scared me, I couldn't even tell Justin about my past, and the thought of the whole world knowing about it sent a chill down my spine.

"I'm scared," I said turning around to look at him.

"Me too," he replied as he moved to lay next to me.

"You're not use to it yet?" I asked.

"That's not what I'm scared of. I'm scared that it's going to be too much for you. Not that I don't think you can handle it, but it literally takes over your life. I'm scared you're going to think it's not worth it. It's not fair to you and I wish there was a way I could change it, but there isn't. There's nothing I can do, it's the one thing in my life I don't have control over. I don't want to lose you...lose us because of it. That's what scares me. I've always dated people that have been use to it, this will be brand new to you."

"It would turn my life upside down but that's not what I'm scared about. Your worth my life being turned upside down Justin."

"Then why are you scared?"

"They're going to dig up everything then can on me. They'll no doubt find out about my past, and that's not something that I want to share with the world, or ever relive again."

"I'm not going to sit here and tell you that that won't happen because that would be a lie, but maybe if you told me about it we can figure out a way to make it a little easier to deal with."

"I'm sorry Justin, I just can't...not yet," I said unable to look him in the eye. He pulled me close to him, wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"You don't have to. I'll never make you tell me anything you don't want to, but at some point it might be helpful. And until then we'll have to lay low and not allow people to get pictures of us together, and be very selective about who we tell about us." I nodded my head and he continued, "I'm sorry all this crap comes along with dating me. You have no idea how badly I want to just go outside and scream that we're together but we both know that can't happen."

"I know," I said getting comfortable in his arms. "I'm not going to leave you because of all this you know that right?"

"I do now," he replied. "I don't think that newspaper thing is going to go anywhere so we don't have to worry about anything happening right now."

"So you flew me out here for no reason?" I said faking anger.

"First of all, from the sound of your voice on the phone it didn't sound as small as it was, and whenever something like that happens it's a big deal and we're not in the clear yet. And second of all, it gave me a really excuse to see you sooner then I thought I would."

"That is a very good reason now that you mention it," I said. "And by the way I'm going to need an autograph."

"You want my autograph? I can give you so much more then that."

"Not for me," I said. "I took your bright idea to tell  Amy and she's promised to keep her mouth shut if I go her an autograph."

"Damn, I was hoping to get you naked and have you right here right now," he said with a chuckle.

"Sorry to burst your bubble."

"I'm glad you came, and I'm glad I get to spend a few days with you," he said seriously now.

"I had no choice remember? You kidnapped me."

"It's not kidnapping if you come willingly."

"You keep telling yourself that," I said half asleep.

"We're flying to Florida in the morning."

"You mentioned that."

"I'll have you naked by the end of the weekend." My eyes shot open.

"JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE."

"What? I'm half way there already," he said laughing

"Goodnight Justin," I said rolling my eyes at him before curling up against him.

"Goodnight Babe," he said while turning the side lamp off and wrapping his arms around me again.

I woke up with her next to me and zero missed calls or voicemails on my cell phone. I took that as a sign of the whole newspaper thing blowing over which as much as I knew it would there was that small chance of it blowing up and I just did not want to deal with that yet. Our flight was at 11:30, this time on a private jet that I requested so that we didn't have to walk through the airport together dodging cameras. This was all brand new for her and airports are one of the craziest when it comes to paparazzi. I looked over at the clock, 8:00. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep I'm the type of person that once I'm up, I'm up no matter what time it is. I kissed a still passed out Marissa on the head and slipped out of bed and into the shower. I couldn't help but think about how natural this all felt. Waking up with her in my arms and just doing everyday things with her around. I stepped out of the shower and heard my voice coming from the bedroom. I shook my head; apparently she's never going to change her ringtone. The song stopped and started right up again, I opened the door and saw her sprawled out on the bed with just a thin white sheet covering her exposed upper half. I ran over to the nightstand and grabbed her phone so that it wouldn't wake her up. In the midst of trying to ignore the call, I somehow answered it; I never did like touch screen phones.

"Shit," I said softly, "Hello?"

"Sorry I must have the wrong number, I was looking for Marissa."

"Nope, you've got the right number. She's sleeping can I take a message?" I asked walking out of the room.

"Wait, so you must be...oh God...okay breathe Amy breathe." I laughed quietly to myself until she composed herself. "You...you...you must be Justin."

"Last time I checked," I said with a laugh, "And you must be Amy, Marissa's roommate?"

"She told you about me?"

"She did, and I want to thank you for keeping this all a secret, I'll send an autograph back with Marissa for you. She told me all about your stipulations."

"I mean I wasn't serious," she said now embarrassed. "I mean if you want to send one I wouldn't throw it away or anything but..."

"Oh okay then I'll see what I can do then," I replied jokingly. "Marissa is still asleep would you like me to tell her you called?"

"Yes, please do. I just wanted to make sure she got in okay and let her know that everything has pretty much blown over here. You guys have nothing to worry about."

"Well that's good news, I'll have her give you a call when she wakes up. It was nice to finally talk to you Amy."

"You too, and Justin..."

"Yes," I said putting the phone back to my ear.

"She really likes you. I haven't seen her smile so much in well forever. Please don't hurt her; she's just been hurt so much in the past. She's going to kill me for telling you this."

"I promise you just like I promised her, I won't hurt her. And she'll never know if you don't tell her."

"Thanks. Take care of my girl for me."

"Will do! Bye Amy."

I hung up the phone and sat down on the couch in the living room. I turned on ESPN and looked through my schedule for the day once we landed in Florida. Packed as usual. Rehearsals, interviews, photo shoots, radio stations, more rehearsals. I was in desperate need of a good month off. It bothered me that I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with Marissa as I wanted to this weekend but just knowing that she was with me and not a plane ride away was comforting. It was easier going to sleep with her next to me. I wasn't worrying about where she was, if she was being followed, if she was scared or anything like that. I had her here, I knew she was safe and I knew there was a smile on her face. That lifted a thousand pounds of weight off of my shoulders. We had a good conversation last night about what's going to happen when it does actually get out that we're dating. I feel a lot better about it knowing that she knows what's going to happen but she's willing to stay with me anyway. She's scared about her past getting out to the public, something that I still don't know about. It makes me nervous because she's keeping something from me, but at the same time at least she's not going around and saying that she doesn't have a past. I have no idea what happened to her except that she got hurt. She's told me that and now Amy has mentioned it. I don't know if she was physically hurt, emotionally hurt or both. I would never force her to tell me about it, but I wish she would. In a way I almost feel like she doesn't trust me with the knowledge of her past. I know that's a dumb way to think and she just doesn't want to relive it, but I want to help her, I don't want her past to haunt her anymore.

It's crazy to me how fast I've fallen for her, and fallen hard. I didn't realize how much I missed her until she got here last night. I was worried about her not being able to handle the distance and the coming and going, but now I think I'm more worried about myself. I would never ever ask her to leave Boston until she was at least done with school, I know how important it is to her to finish, but I just want her with me all the time. I'm beginning to think that I might actually be in love with her. I really need to talk to my Mama about this because she might just be the one.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bedroom doors opening. I looked up and saw her wrapped in a sheet with her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head. She was squinting as she shuffled her way over to me while her eyes got adjusted to the lights, and I could tell that she was craving more sleep. She sat down on the corner of the couch and curled up in a ball resting her head on the arm of the couch and closing her eyes again. I wanted to rip that sheet off of her so bad, but I agreed to go slow and I wasn't about to go back on my word. I let her continue to rest while I checked my E-Mail and returned some phone calls from yesterday. I was talking to Johnny when I saw her reach blindly for the remote. I grabbed it off of the coffee table and put it in her hand, she opened her eyes and mouthed a "Thank you" to me before she started channel surfing. She landed on a repeat of Real Housewives of Orange County. I gave her a look as to say "Are you serious?" and she nodded her head yes. I finally got off the phone with Johnny 10 minutes later and moved over to sit next to her.

"Morning sunshine," I said giving her a kiss.

"Hi," came back in a very drowsy voice.

"Still tired?"

"Mmmhmm..."

"You could have stayed in bed you know. You looked quite comfortable sprawled out across the whole bed."

"I know, but I wanted to spend time with you," she said switching sides and putting her head down on my lap.

"Amy called you earlier she said to call her back, and are we really watching this show?"

"Shit, I was suppose to call her when I got here last night, and yes we are watching this show it's hilarious. Could you pass me my phone?" she asked sticking her hand out. "Wait you talked to Amy?"

"Yeah, I was in the bathroom and I heard myself singing, you're really going to have to change that ringtone," I said reaching for the phone, "I went to ignore the call but hit answer instead. I knew she'd just keep calling so I talked to her."

"Oh God, did she throw a hissy fit when she realized it was you?"

"There were a lot of deep breaths and words of encouragement before she was actually composed."

"I'm sorry," she said scrolling through her contacts, "I'll make sure that never happens again."

"No biggie," I said getting up and giving her space to talk to her friend, "I'm going to call room service and get us some breakfast." She nodded and I told her our flight was leaving at 11:30 before I heard her start talking to Amy.

I called room service and ordered every healthy item on the menu. She told me last week that she was on a health kick and was trying not to eat anything fried. I got her an egg white veggie omelet and some fresh fruit and ordered myself what should have just been called grease and fat. I went into the bedroom to change and pack up my things for our flight to Florida when I heard my cell phone ringing in the living room. I walked out and Marissa threw me my phone while motioning that Amy wouldn't shut up. I looked down at the caller ID "Mama". I thought that now was as good a time as any to fill her in about what's going on.

"Hey Mama."

"Hi Baby, I feel like it's been forever since we spoke"

"I know, I'm so sorry I've been so busy."

"That's okay hunny. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to come down to Miami for your show tomorrow."

"You are? That's great! Is Dad coming too?"

"You know your Dad Justin, he's last minute with everything. I'm sure we won't know until the plane is about to take off."

"Well can you tell him that I said I'd like for him to come? There's someone I really want you guys to meet."

"Sure. Who is it?"

"Here goes nothing," I thought to myself. "It's my girlfriend Mama."

"Your girlfriend?" she replied shocked. "Justin Randall you didn't even tell me you were seeing someone, never mind having a girlfriend."

"I know Mama. I wanted to make sure it was going to last before I introduced her to you guys, and Mama I really think this is going to last. She's amazing and makes me so happy, and honestly I think she might be the one."

"THE ONE? Justin how long have you been keeping this girl from me? The one, this is serious."

"Just a week," I said while closing my eyes and waiting for the screaming to begin.

"ONE WEEK?! Justin you can't know if she's the one in one week. Have you lost your mind? What has gotten into you? Dear God Justin tell me this isn't the girl from the audience..."

"It is, but Mama," I continued before she could interrupt, "please give her a chance, I know you will love her. She is perfect for me. She keeps me grounded and really just makes me so happy. I feel like my life has done a 180 and I went from living life day to day to having meaning back in my life. Please Mama give her a chance. Please? For me?"

"Oh Justin, you know you make my blood pressure go up more and more every time I talk to you."

"Mama..." I whined.

"Your father isn't going to like this either Justin."

"I'm 26 years old Mama, I think I can make my own decisions as to who I date. Please just give her a chance."

"I'll see you tomorrow Justin," she said without responding to what I said.

"I love you Mama, please be nice tomorrow."

"I love you too baby, I'll try my best."

"Well that went well," I said to no one but myself. I love my mother to death but sometimes she can be so overbearing. I know she is just concerned, but I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions I don't need her questioning me every step of the way. If she is not nice to Marissa tomorrow I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to have to kick her out but I might just have to. There is no reason why she shouldn't just give her a chance, I hate when she judges people before she even gets to know them.

I jumped when I felt two arms come around my waist.

"Jesus, you scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry," she said while kissing my back. "You made Amy's day by the way."

"I'm glad someone's having a good day," I said still annoyed at the conversation I just had with my mother.

"What's the matter? Did I do something?" she asked while spinning around and sitting on the bed in front of me.

"No, it's not you." I sighed and sat down on the bed next to her. "It's my overbearing, controlling mother. She's coming out to the show tomorrow night in Miami."

"You're mad your Mom is coming to see the show?"

"No, I'm actually happy about that. I haven't seen her in a really long time. I'm mad because she thinks that she can still make decisions for me. I'm 26 years old. It's time to let me go you know?"

"You told her about me didn't you? And she hates me already."

"She doesn't hate you," I said while lying back on the bed, "she just hates the idea of me dating a fan. But she doesn't even know you, and I know that she's actually going to love you. She's just so stubborn."

"Sounds like someone I know," she said while getting on top of me.

"Funny," was all I could say before her mouth came crashing down onto mine. I managed to look up at the clock and saw 9:30, plenty of time. We were on a private plane, they wouldn't leave without us. I unwrapped the sheet that was around her while she took off my wife beater. She was either trying to make me feel better or she wanted this just as much as I did. Her hands roamed down my chest to my jeans that I had just put on. She was fiddling with the button and zipper when I heard a knock on the door. I didn't stop what I was doing though; they'd go away when I didn't answer the door it was probably just room service. Either she didn't hear the knock or didn't care because she continued to try and get my pants off while not taking her lips off of my body. There was another knock, this time a little louder. "Don't even think about opening that door," she said a little out of breath. My pants were now on the ground and all that was left were my boxers. Her mouth was on my neck and her hand was rubbing just below the waistline of my boxers. The knock went to a loud pounding and I heard my best friend scream at me from behind the door.

"Open the fucking door you jackass before I knock it down." I was going to fucking kill him.

She looked at me, and gave me a soft kiss on the lips before she grabbed a t-shirt and walked into the bathroom. Now not only was I pissed off at my mother but also I was about to bash Trace's head in. I grabbed my jeans and threw them on before walking out of the bedroom to the door to the room. I flung the door open and immediately turned around and walked to the couch without even saying hello.

"Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed Mr. Grumpy Pants," Trace said while following behind me.

"You better shut up man before I really do beat the shit out of you."

"What the fuck did I do?  I brought you room service and everything. Your best friend comes for a surprise visit and gets welcomed this way?"

I was about to answer when Marissa walked through the French doors of the bedroom dressed in a pair of jeans and one of my old sweatshirts. I guess today was the day to let people know about us, and I was just praying Trace would take this better then my mother did. Trace was looking back and forth from me to her, and she was looking back and forth from me to him.

"Trace, this is Marissa. Marissa, this is Trace."

She walked over to him and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you."

"I wish I could say the same," Trace replied shooting a pissed off look at me.

She walked over and sat next to me on the couch. She pulled the sleeves of her sweatshirt over her hands and started twirling her thumbs. I put my arm around her before I started damage control with Trace.

"Trace I know I didn't tell you about her yet, but to be honest with you I haven't really told anyone about her yet. We're just trying to keep it on the down low for as long as possible, I was going to tell you this weekend in Florida."

"So you thought I'd go to the press with it? That's your excuse for not telling me?"

"I just told my mother this morning Trace. This is all new for her I'm trying to ease her in. Would you want to just be thrown into this lifestyle?"

"I'm you're best friend Justin," he said shaking his head. "I never knew you had to ease someone into your best friend."

"It's not you, it's this life. We're trying to get to know each other without any added pressure."

Marissa got up from the couch and said she was going to go pack and get ready for our flight. I could tell she was really uncomfortable. Who wouldn't be when there boyfriend was fighting with his best friend about you while you're sitting right there.

"Whatever man. I assume she's the girl from the audience since I don't recognize her."

"Yeah...I'm really sorry Trace."

"It's alright dude. It's just a little shocking to not know what's going on in your best friends life when we've told each other everything our whole lives. She seems nice though."

"Well you're taking it much better then my Mama did. She is pretty fucking amazing Trace, I'm really hoping everyone will just look past the whole fan thing and give her a chance."

"Just make sure your ass is covered Justin because to me this sounds like a recipe for disaster."

"Then I'll make it my mission to prove you wrong short stuff," I said while getting up and patting him on the head. "Come on let's go eat breakfast, our flights in an hour."

We sat in the breakfast nook for as long as we could before we had to leave for the plane. Trace and Marissa seemed to be hitting it off quite well and were making fun of each other by the time we left the hotel room. Soon I was the odd man out when we were sitting in traffic getting to the airport and they started ganging up on me. It didn't bother me though because I knew that I now had Trace behind me, which will help when it comes to other people like my parents. It didn't matter to me if people liked her or not, all that mattered was if I did, but who doesn't want there family and friends to like their girlfriend? Everything between us seemed to be going amazingly well, I could only assume something bad was going to happen in the near future. The one thing that kept resonating in my mind is her past. I need to find out about it without prying or making her feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't let her past effect our relationship because her past can't be changed, but there had to be a reason why she couldn't tell me about it.

Justin, Trace, Rachel, Lonnie, Eric and myself were on a private jet on our way to Florida. Private jet...I honestly feel like I'm dreaming. It's like a hotel in the sky complete with couches, big screen TV's, a shower, entertainment system, and a stocked refrigerator and bar. The five of them walked on the plane like it was nothing, and I was sitting there in complete shock. My house didn't even have half the amenities this plane had. They didn't realize that first class travel to me was some extra legroom and an eight-inch TV in the headrest of the seat in front on me on Jet Blue. It took me a few minutes to take it all in. I stood at the entrance to the plane with Justin behind me and I think a "Holy Shit" escaped from my mouth. Justin laughed at me and kissed my temple before pushing me all the way into the plane. Justin and I settled on the couch watching a movie while Eric and Lonnie passed out in recliners next to us. I could hear Trace and Rachel behind us playing Go Fish. Justin says in reality both of them are really 5 years old.

I was lying on Justin's lap while we watched The Departed. After a few minutes I could feel my eyelids getting heavy and decided now would be a good time to take a nap since once we got to Florida Justin would have a lot to do and I really did need to study for finals next week. I would be studying by the pool, but studying none the less. The moment I closed my eyes I must have fallen asleep.

"Hey babe, I want you to come and meet my friend Victor."

I walked over and shook Victor's hand. He was looking at me funny and gave me the once over. I walked back to hold his hand, something that always made me feel comfortable and safe. I watched Victor take out a small sandwich bag, and smell it's contents. Next thing I knew he was rolling up a blunt and lighting it. I looked at Victor and then to the face that was suppose to be protecting me. His eyes assured me that everything would be okay and that I had nothing to worry about.  Victor threw him a bag full of white powder. I may have been young but I wasn't dumb. I knew exactly what was in that bag and I knew that I didn't want to be anywhere near it. He poured the powder onto the granite countertop and made it into a straight line using two butter knives. He rolled up a $20 bill and handed it to me. I shook my head and put my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt.

"Come on baby it's just a little coke. You'll feel good after."

I shook my head again and started to back away towards the door of the hotel room. He reached out to grab my arm but I was moving too fast. I looked in his eyes and suddenly I saw hatred and evil. His blue eyes were bloodshot, clearly he was already high. I looked over at Victor and saw the same thing. I had to get out of there. I turn around to run and just as I reached for the door I was pulled back by my hair and fell hard onto the ground. I didn't say anything, I didn't scream or cry. I just got up and tried to get out again, this time I made it to the elevators. When I heard someone behind me I started to run to the staircase but a hard kick the back of my legs made me fall forward. I hit my head on the ground and everything was immediately blurry. Reaching for the door I felt someone grab my ankles and pull me backwards. The sound of the elevator doors opening gave me just a little hope that someone would walk out, but no one did. I was being pulled into the elevator and I saw the doors close as Victor hit the bright red stop button. He was standing next to Victor watching this all happen, letting this happen. I squirmed into the corner and pulled my knees up to my chin.

"Please don't hurt me," I whispered, looking into the eyes that were once a safety net.

"We're not going to hurt you baby, it'll feel so good."

I looked up at Victor's hand, and he was holding a pocketknife. I knew if I screamed or tried to get help I'd be murdered in an elevator. Tears began to run silently down my face. He came over and crouched down right in front of me and stroked my right cheek.

"Just do what he says and he won't hurt you baby. I don't know why you're trying to get away. You know I won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Please," I was now sobbing, "Please just let me go."

"I'm sorry I can't do that," he said while unzipping my sweatshirt.

I looked at Victor and saw him unzipping his pants and throwing them to the corner of the elevator. He looked at him and he nodded before kissing my lips and moving to the front of the elevator. Victor knelt in front of me and pulled my legs down straight. He straddled them while unbuttoning my blouse and pants. I closed my eyes knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop this. The past three years of my life had been a fraud. Now not only had I been verbally abused but I was about to have my whole world tainted. I'm going to be just another number.

I felt unfamiliar hands run down my now bare body, and unfamiliar lips on my own. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could. I didn't want to feel anything. I sang songs in my head and thought about tropical islands. I heard voices in the background but didn't care to actually hear what they were saying. I could feel pain and it was beginning to be hard to breath. After what seemed like hours, it all stopped.

I opened my eyes and Victor was putting his clothes back on while I lay on the floor naked. He walked over to me picking up my clothes on the way and began to dress me again. It was silent. He kissed my mouth and I felt like throwing up. He took my hands and pulled me up as the elevator doors opened and Victor walked out. He laced his fingers in mine and walked me back to the room. He closed the door behind him and took my face in his hands.

"I love you baby."

"No you don't," I said beginning to shake.

"Of course I do. And you love me too." I shook my head as the tears started again. "Tell me you love me Marissa."

"No."

"Marissa..."

"No."

"Marissa...::slap:: Marissa....::slap:: Marissa...::slap::"

"Marissa," he was shaking me. "Marissa...Marissa..."

"NO!" I screamed as I shot up and slapped him across the face. I looked him in the eyes and screamed it again, "NO!"

His eyes were no longer bloodshot; they were the brightest blue I'd ever seen. He held me by the arms and I felt someone behind me. I looked at his face, and it wasn't him. It was Justin. There was a bright red hand mark forming on his face, and confusion in his eyes.

"Oh my God Justin," I gasped beginning to cry, "Justin I'm so sorry. God I'm so sorry."

I got off of the couch and started to walk backwards but was stopped by someone standing there. I sat on the floor sobbing. It was silent, I could feel 10 eyes staring at me and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He wasn't saying anything, just staring at me. I felt someone sit down next to me and start rubbing my back. I heard Trace telling me that it was going to be okay, it was just a dream but I needed to hear it from Justin. I knew that I had blown it.

"Justin, please. I'm so sorry," I didn't know what else to say.

"We landed, I'll get your bags," was all he said before getting up and walking off of the plane.

I couldn't move. Trace wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I watched everyone else get off of the plane besides myself and Trace. I didn't know what to say, or what to do. I had just slapped my boyfriend across the face. I looked at Trace with fear in my eyes.

"He'll get over it, he's just shocked," he said reading the questions running through my mind.

"I just slapped him across the face for no reason," I said back.

"You were dreaming Marissa. I promise you everything will be okay."

"More like a nightmare."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I can't lose him Trace. There's so much I need to tell him, I need to explain it to him but I don't know how."

"He's not going anywhere. Just tell him."

"How Trace? How do I tell my boyfriend who I've only been dating for a week now that I was raped? How do I tell him that I'm just another statistic? How would you like me to tell him that his eyes are the same exact color as the person who I loved that let it happen to me? Should I tell him that the first time I ever looked at him I saw someone else? Should I tell him that not only was I raped but that my boyfriend at the time watched one of his friends do it and thought I should be okay with it? How about I tell him that after I was raped, my boyfriend that watched beat the shit out of me because I wouldn't tell him that I loved him. Oh and here's the kicker, I'll tell him that it was his songs that I was singing in my head when it was happening to block it all out. How should I go about telling him that Trace? Please tell me how. Maybe I'll start with, 'Sorry I slapped you across the face Justin but I was dreaming about that one time that I was raped and when I opened my eyes I saw his eyes looking at me.' That's a good way to start the conversation right?"

"Marissa...I..."

"Exactly Trace. Not that simple now is it?"

"I'm so sorry Marissa. I'm so sorry."

"I know Trace, everyone is sorry. Everyone except the two people that should be."

"I know that it's not going to be easy, but you have to tell Justin. Once you guys go public it's all going to be put on the table and he needs to know before the world does."

"They didn't even get jail time. Supposedly since I didn't try to escape, it couldn't technically be considered rape. It didn't matter that if I tried to escape I would be murdered with a knife though. They're free as a bird, not a care or worry in the world. It's me that has to live with this. I have it hanging over my head while they just live their life. I'm the one who now has to tell my boyfriend about the most humiliating day of my life."

"He'll understand. He'll help you."

"I don't need his help Trace, I've been doing just fine for the past 3 years without his help."

"You have to tell him. He needs to know. He would want to know Marissa."

"You're the first person I've ever told details to. Probably should have been him huh?"

"No, you probably should have told details to a therapist or the jury or your family first. But I can understand why you didn't."

"We should probably get off this plane. And I should probably go make sure I still have a boyfriend."

"Trust me, you still have a boyfriend. A boyfriend that cares a lot about you, that should know the truth."

"You're right," I said standing up and wiping what was left of my tears off of my face. "Thanks Trace."

"Anytime lover," he said pulling me into a hug. "Gotta tell you, didn't expect this to happen the first day I met Justin's new girlfriend."

"That makes me feel better," I said lightly punching him in the shoulder.

I walked to the door of the plane and looked around. Justin was nowhere in sight. Lonnie was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Trace and me and pointed over to the first of two Black Escalade waiting for us. I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs.

"He's in the first one," Lonnie said.

"Thanks," I said as I began to walk away.

The walk to the car felt like it took forever. I didn't know how Justin was going to react when I opened the door. I couldn't stand to see pain or hurt in his eyes. I knew I had to tell him everything, but where was I supposed to begin? I wanted so badly to open the door and have him hold me. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed him to tell me that, even though after what I had done I didn't deserve to hear it. I should have told him this a long time ago, but for selfish reasons I kept it to myself and now I don't know if we'll be able to get past it. I took a minute before I opened the door and when I did I saw Justin sitting there with his head on the window and his eyes closed. The driver looked at me and I nodded letting him know it was okay to go. We had been driving for about 5 minutes and he still hadn't opened his eyes or said anything to me. I knew the ball was in my court and I had to do something about it.

"Justin?"

"What?" he snapped back at me.

"I'm sorry about what happened back there, and I know you probably hate me right now but I was hoping you'd give me a chance to explain."

"I don't hate you." That was a relief. I let out a breath and thought about how I wanted to handle this.

"I know that you're really busy today, but maybe we could talk when you're free. I have a lot of things I need to tell you."

"I've already cancelled my first rehearsal. I've done this show over 100 times I don't need to rehearse again. Just let me shower when we get to the hotel then we can talk."

"Okay," I said wishing I had more time to figure out what to do, "thanks." I couldn't look at Justin. I couldn't see him upset it killed me to know that I had done this to him.

"You don't have to be nervous," he said.

"I'm not."

"You're twirling your thumbs...you're nervous." I felt his hand on mine and looked up at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

***

I was sitting on the leather chair in the bedroom when Justin came out of the shower. I told myself over and over again not to cry since half of the time we've been together all I've done is cry. I still didn't know how I was going to say what I had to but I figured I'd just let it come out and run with it. He walked into the bedroom with a white towel wrapped around his waist and he was digging in his suitcase for a pair of boxers and something to wear. I hadn't been this nervous in a very long time. I didn't want him to feel bad for me, or try and help. I just wanted to explain. Trace was right; he needed to know before the rest of the world did. And maybe by actually telling him and explaining it, it would be easier for me to handle when the whole world did find out. I looked up and he was pulling on a pair of gym shorts. He walked over and stood right in front of me.

"Okay, let's hear it," he said.

"You umm...you might want to sit down it's kind of a long story."

He sat down on the bed and held his hand out for me to take. "Come sit with me," he said.

I took his hand and sat down on the bed with my back resting against the pillows. He kissed the top of my hand and took a deep breath.

"First of all I want to apologize again," I started, "what I did was wrong and I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's okay, just tell me."

Here goes everything, I thought to myself.

"Justin what I'm about to tell you isn't really easy for me to do, and I'm not really sure how it's going to come out or if it's even going to make any sense." I could feel the tears starting to form. "When I hit you, I didn't think it was you I thought you were someone else."

"Okay?"

"I told you about the relationship I was in a few years back."

"Yeah."

"Well I was young when I got into it. I was 15 and we dated until I was 18. I was in love with him, and honestly thought that he was the one for me. For those three years I was happy, I didn't care about how crappy my family was or that everyone compared me to my sister. I didn't care about anything anymore because I was happy. My life was consumed by my boyfriend, I guess it was almost like he was a drug that I was addicted to."

"What was his name?"

"B...Well Brandon was his name but I called him B. He knew everything about me. Every wish, every fear. He was what kept me on my feet. Right before I had met him I actually thought about taking my own life. I look back on it now and realize how dumb it was but I guess when you have no one to talk to about it, it doesn't seem so stupid."

"Marissa..."

"Just let me finish okay? I need to get this out."

"Okay," he said now rubbing my back and brushing tears off of my face.

"I thought I knew everything about him, since I told him everything about me. But what I didn't know was that he was hanging around with the wrong crowd. For three years I never really met his friends it was always just me and him, until this one time he told me he was having a hotel party and all his friends wanted to meet me. It was right after my 18th birthday, so a little over three years ago, and I was a freshman in college. I went there and when I walked in it was just him and his friend Victor. They started doing drugs, and if there's one thing I'm not into it's that. I had a lot of friends OD in high school and I always thought drugs were just stupid." I had to take a moment. It was hard to breathe and my mind was racing, I looked up at Justin, "God Justin, you...you have his eyes. You have his eyes and when I woke up I thought you were him.

A light bulb went off in his head. "And that's why when you first met me you ran."

"Yes. But I see past it now, when I look at you I don't see him anymore. But when you woke me up I was having a dream...well more like a nightmare reliving everything that happened."

"So you wanted to slap him because he was doing drugs? I don't think I fully understand."

"No, that's not the reason why. This is really hard, I'm sorry. That day at the hotel I tried to leave because I just didn't want to be around it. I realized that he was already high before I got there and I just couldn't be involved. I tried to leave by they stopped me." I was now sobbing and Justin reached over and got me a bottle of water. He kissed my temple while I composed myself enough to continue. "When I went to leave the room they pulled me back and I fell but they let me get up and walk out and I ran to the elevators. The room was on the top floor and I knew the fastest way down was the elevator. They came out of the room and I ran to the stairs knowing that I'd be trapped if I didn't, but I didn't make it and someone, I'm not sure who kicked me and I fell. They dragged me into the elevators and once the doors closed pushed stop to keep it where it was. I was about to scream when I saw that Victor had a knife in his hand."

"Oh my God Marissa..." he was holding me so tight, almost as if he let me go I'd get hurt again."

"Justin it was awful. There's no easy way to say it. I was raped that day. My boyfriends "friend" raped me while he sat there and watched it happening. I felt everything, but at the same time I was numb. After everything Brandon dressed me and brought me back to the hotel room. He looked me in my eyes and told me that he loved me, and then proceeded to beat me because I wouldn't say it back. I lost so much that day Justin. I lost someone that I loved, I lost my dignity, I lost myself and everything that I stood for, and I lost the one thing I can never get back. I bared my soul to someone, put all of my faith and trust in him. Everything about that relationship was a lie. From that day on I've had a wall up. I haven't let anyone in, never mind a man. And now there's you and I'm letting it down a little bit and it's so scary to me. I never expected this to happen, I never expected to be able to feel anything again but now that I do I know that I can't lose it. Losing it would kill me. I'm sorry for everything that happened today, and I'm sorry for not telling you this sooner. I understand if you never want to see me again, but you deserved to know this before the rest of the world found out."

I looked at Justin and there were tears in his eyes. He didn't speak for a while which I understood, it was a lot to take in all at once. I felt 100 pounds lighter; a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It actually kind of made me feel good telling someone about it and knowing that I wasn't alone in having details about what went on.

"I will never, EVER, hurt you."

"I know you won't Justin," I said looking down at the fringe on the pillow that was lying on my lap.

"Look at me," he said turning my face to his," I will never lay a hand on you like those sons of bitches did, EVER." Tears started rolling down his cheeks as he continued, "I'm so sorry that all of that has happened to you, if I could go back three years and take it back I would. Marissa you didn't deserve any of what happened to you, you know that right?"

"I know Justin, but that doesn't change that it happened."

"This explains your elevator phobia. I'm sorry I ever made you get in one, I didn't know."

"Please, don't worry about that now okay? I survived."

"Marissa I just...I don't even have to words to say what I want to. I'm so sorry, I'm just so sorry."

"I know Justin," I said scooting down to lay my head on his chest."

"I'm not going anywhere, you will not lose me I promise."

I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes. I believed him.

I do not want to be here right now. I want to be in bed with her, holding her close to me and making sure that she's okay. She fell asleep on my chest while I stared at the wall for two hours. I couldn't wrap my head around it; I didn't even know what to say to her. I don't think I've ever been speechless in my life before today. And to think that I was actually a little pissed off at her when she slapped me. She has been through something so traumatic, so life changing, and look at her. She's amazing. She works through it; she doesn't let it affect her even though I know that deep down it still does. It haunts her, clearly if she still dreams about it. I can't imagine having something like that hang over my head every single day for the rest of my life. I want to take all the pain away from her. She must have been so scared. She was helpless and alone. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and it didn't even happen to me. To think about the mundane things that I complain about on a daily basis. Not having enough time to sleep, it's too hot in the car, I have no privacy. It's all so trivial now. I would give up anything to go back three years and not have that happen to her. Take all my fame and fortune; take my house, my cars, and my voice, everything just to take that away from her.

I called Rachel and told her to cancel everything I had scheduled for today. Tell the press I was sick and couldn't perform, make something up. Reschedule the photo shoots and the radio interviews, I needed to be with my girl but Marissa wouldn't let me. She said that she's been dealing with this from three years and today is no different, and that she actually felt a little better telling me about it. I couldn't leave her alone so I made Trace stay with her, but all I could think about was her. I wanted to tell her that I loved her but I knew that was too much for her to handle, I knew she'd run.

I was spaced out during my interviews and barely answered any questions. People would ask me if something was wrong and I'd just say I didn't feel good, which wasn't exactly a lie. My stomach has been in knots since she told me. Johnny has called me four times today to scream at me and Rachel is up my ass trying to keep me in line. To them I had no good reason to be in a bad mood or not focused. I cancelled rehearsal so I shouldn't tired and I knew how important today was, but I couldn't tell them what the real reason was. It wasn't helping that this model was all over me. I made it halfway through the photo shoot before I called it a day and threw up in the bathroom. This was literally making me sick and I had to get back to her. In the car on the way back to the hotel Rachel practically ripped me a new asshole.

"I don't know what your problem is today Justin, but you need to get over it."

"You need to shut your mouth Rachel, once that happens maybe I'll get over it."

"I didn't do anything to you Justin expect try and keep you focused. You're off in Lala Land on one of your busiest days this week. People are asking you questions about the tour and your talking about the clothing line. I know you're not tired because you cancelled rehearsal to sleep, so what could possibly be bothering you enough for you to act like this today."

"First of all, I didn't take a nap. Rehearsal was cancelled for a different reason."

"Does this have something to do with your girlfriend slapping you across the face? Did she bruise your ego so bad that you can't focus on work? Work that comes before a girl that you've just started dating might I add. Priorities Justin, get them in line."

"Seriously Rachel shut the fuck up, because you have no idea what's going on."

"So why don't you tell me what's going on. She couldn't have hit you that hard for you to still be in pain. Please tell me what is so fucking important that is making you act like the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life. I like the girl and all but you've been dating for a week...one week."

She struck a nerve, a huge nerve and it was taking everything I had in me to not throw her out the window. I turned away from the window and looked her dead in the eyes. "If I'm the biggest asshole you've ever met in you life, you should be happy about that. Some people don't get off so easy Rachel. Some people WISH that I was the biggest asshole they've ever met. This isn't about her hitting me, or my ego, or any of the other bullshit you seem to think it's about. And if it weren't for Marissa, I wouldn't have done jack shit today so you should be happy that I was even at the radio interviews at all. And for your information this "girl" that you mention is important to me and I'm in love with her. So please do me a favor and quit complaining about dumb shit, do your job and just keep your fucking opinions to yourself."

She was silent but continued to stare at me. She knew she was wrong but at the same time wasn't sure why. I closed my eyes and could feel my stomach turning again.

"You're in love with her?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Yes, I'm in love with her. And I know you think I'm crazy because we haven't been together for a long time but I don't really care what you or anyone else thinks. I'm in love with her, so you should learn to love her too. Not that she's ever done anything to make you not love her."

"I totally wasn't expecting that. Did you tell her?"

"No, and you're not going to tell her either."

"Is this why you're off in a daze today?"

"No, God Rach just drop it okay? I'm not telling you why I'm off in a daze today. I'm sorry I screwed up your day but just let it go."

We continued the rest of the way to the hotel in silence. I could tell that I either got through to Rachel or maybe hurt her feelings enough to make her drop it. I made sure she was okay before we got out of the car and went inside. Trace was sleeping on the couch and Marissa was nowhere to be found. I woke Trace up and he told me she was out studying by the pool. I walked down to the pool and looked around making sure there was no one else there that would see me with her. I pulled my hat down low and walked over to a bikini clad Marissa sitting on a lounge chair with books and notebooks sprawled around her. I snuck up behind her and poked her sides and she jumped out coming out of her daze.

"Hey babe," she said getting up and giving me a kiss, "what are you doing back so early?"

"I just wasn't really feeling it today so I cut the photo shoot short. How are you doing? Are you okay?"

"Justin, I told you to get your stuff done, stop worrying about me I'm fine."

"Who said I was worried, I just wanted to spend time with my girl."

"The look in your eyes and the fact that you're making sure there are no bruises on my body says that you're worried. Justin, I am fine I promise you. Don't let this effect your life and your work."

"How can it not affect me Maris?" I said sitting down with her on the chair, "It's all I can think about. It's a lot to take in."

"I know babe," she said putting her head on my shoulder and taking my hand in hers, "and if you have questions or want to say anything to me you can. Telling you was the hard part I can handle anything after that. And I know that you have questions because you haven't said anything about it since I told you. No matter how hard you try it won't just go away, so if you have questions ask them."

"Can I kill them?"

"No," she chuckled, "I need you with me not in jail."

"What happened after?" I said getting serious.

She closed the book that was open in her lap and put it on the white table next to her. She leaned back in the chair and looked up at the sky while she stroked my hand with her thumb. "A lot but nothing at the same time. After everything he told me if I said anything to anyone he'd kill me. He left me in the hotel room and I was just numb. I got my things and left, and went straight to the police station. I knew that I couldn't just let them get away with it. I filled out a police report and was told to get a lawyer. I told my parents and they didn't believe me. They said I was seeking attention that I didn't deserve. I paid for a lawyer on my own and the case went in front of a judge. It was ruled that since I didn't fight it, it wasn't really rape. Victor got community service for having a knife, which he admitted to, and Brandon walked away. I didn't tell my friends, to this day Amy is the only one that knows, I just threw myself into school and work and prayed every single day that they wouldn't try and find me and hurt me. So basically they got off with nothing and it hangs over my head everyday. I've managed to keep myself busy enough to not think about it constantly, but sometimes I have nightmares about it or I'll see something that triggers me. I've moved past it though you know? I know that I can't go back and change what happened and I can't stop my life because of it. Granted I haven't dated anyone since then until you, but I think that's understandable." 

"How could your parents not believe you? And how the hell could they just get off with nothing, that boggles my mind."

"My parents don't give a shit about me, they never have. I learned to live with that at a very young age. Honestly, it didn't even surprise me that they didn't believe me. They don't love me, they made that very clear. I've never felt loved in my whole life, it's something I've learned to live without and I've accepted that I may never be loved."

"You know that's not true right? Someone will love you...someone does love you. Marissa you are such and amazing person and you have been through so much. Look at you, you're supporting yourself, finishing school, working, and you're doing it all with a smile on your face. You are the strongest person I've ever met in my life, and probably will ever meet. You're so special I don't want you to ever think otherwise. You have made me realize how blessed I am today, and how everything I complain about is just so fucking stupid. I should enjoy life and be grateful just to be living. Somebody loves you Marissa, it may not be your parents but somebody loves you." 

"Justin that's not why I told you all of this today. I don't want you to think the things that you do are wrong, or that you're not grateful for life because I know you are. You're practically perfect remember?" She was changing the subject because she felt uncomfortable knowing that someone loves her.

"Look at me," I said waiting for her eyes to meet mine, "somebody loves you."

"Please don't."

"I love you Marissa Mitchell. I'm in love with you. And I know that makes you uncomfortable but you are just going to have to deal with it. And I don't expect you to say anything back to me; in fact I don't even want you to say anything at all. But I love you and I'm not going anywhere ever. You mean so much to me and I will be there for you 24/7 365 days a year. I know you can't fully trust me and that's fine, I understand, but I'm going to do everything in my power to prove to you that I'm different. I will show you what love feels like."

She took my face in her hands and pulled my mouth onto hers. I knew she wouldn't say it back and I never expected her to. I knew it was going to take time for her to love someone again and I accepted that. But I knew deep down that sooner then she thought, she was going to realize that she was in love with me too. She pulled away and looked at me for a good two minutes before saying anything.

"Thank you," she said in a whisper.

"What are you thanking me for?"

"For putting meaning back into my life. For caring about me. For making it okay for me to smile. For taking the pain away. And most importantly for giving me my life back. Thank you Justin, you have no idea what you mean to me and I wish I could explain it to you but I can't find the words. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me in the past week and before you even knew I existed. Thank you for just being you."

She hugged me so tight I thought I was going to pass out. She packed up her books and sun tan lotion in her beach bag and grabbed my hand to pull me up. "Let's go, you've got rehearsal in an hour."

"I'm skipping rehearsal I want to stay with you."

"You're going to rehearsal, and I'm coming with you, so lets go shower and get ready," she said sternly.

"Fine," I said giving in, "you take a shower first I think I need to talk to Rachel."

"You can talk to Rachel after we shower together," she said with a wink.

My eyes almost bugged out of my head when I heard her say that. "Baby, are you sure?"

Riding in the car on the way to rehearsals I was in a state of something, I just wasn't sure what. Was it shock? Bliss? Fear? He told me that he loved me, no I take that back. He told me that he was IN love with me. I'm not sure if I was ready to hear that but I knew it was coming. What I don't know is if he's really in love with me, or if it's just pity love because I told him what happened. I just feel like it's so soon to know if you're really in love with someone. But who knows, I'm really not the person that should be commenting on love since I have no clue what it feels like to be loved, or how to love. But if this is what if feels like, I'm in it for the long haul. It's amazing how gratifying it feels to be respected and cared for and listened to. Something like this has never happened to me. I thought I was in love with B, in my heart I truly believed it at the time, but I know now that it was just lust and I just enjoyed the feeling of attention. This thing with Justin, it's something totally different. I can't sit here today and say I'm in love with him because I don't know if I am, but I think I'm really close to it. Just looking at him gives me butterflies, and his touch gives me chills. The sound of his voice makes me smile, he is making me happy. The look in his eyes when he said that he was in love with me took away every single fear that I had about this relationship, he meant it, he truly meant it.

Everything with Justin feels so natural. I feel like I've been waking up next to him for 20 years. It's like we have a routine whether it's waking up in the morning or after a nap, he pulls me close to him, kisses my forehead and rubs my back. He gets up first, goes to the bathroom and showers while I sprawl out across the whole bed and go back to sleep. The hand holding, the pet names, everything just seems so natural. After what happened I thought that I'd be alone forever. I never in a million years thought I'd be able to let someone else in, but little by little I'm letting Justin in and he's not hurting me.

We haven't had sex yet. Not because I don't want to because I do, especially after the shower we just took together, but I'm nervous about it. I've never actually willingly had sex with someone. B supposedly wanted to save it for marriage. We all know that was a boldfaced lie now seeing as though from what I hear he gets around. He has slept with my ex-best friend, that was a pleasant thing to find out. And since that whole situation I haven't put myself in a position to even be close to having sex with anyone else. Truth be told, I'm scared I'll suck at it. I don't want it to be amazing for me and awful for him, and I don't know how to go about telling him that he'd be my first real experience. All I know is that I saw that man naked in the shower and I wanted to jump on him right then and there. Oh what I wouldn't do to that man! I could feel a smirk creeping up on my face and I was trying to hide it before anyone noticed, but I was too late.

"What's that smile for?" Trace questioned nudging my side.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied playing dumb.

"Suuuure you don't," Trace said starting to tickle me. I was hitting him and yelling for him to stop but he wouldn't until Rachel said something softly not really meant for us to hear.

"Maybe that smile explains Justin's mood," came from the back seat.

"What mood?" I questioned.

"He was off in his own little world today, then when I asked him about it he flipped out. Now that he's had more time with you he seems to be fine so obviously you two fought and had really good make up sex or something."

"Rachel I told you to shut your mouth," Justin said giving her a stern look, "I suggest you keep it closed for the rest of the day."

"Justin!" I said hitting him on the leg, "That was rude."

"She won't just drop it like I asked her to hours ago. I told her I didn't feel good."

"And we all know you're lying Justin so get over yourself."

"Rachel I swear to God."

"You swear to God what Justin? What are you going to do?"

"I told you I didn't feel good, which was proven when I threw up at the studio."

"And magically you suddenly feel better."

"STOP. The both of you," Trace yelled. "It's like I'm dealing with children. Shut up."

Everyone stopped and I just sat there looking forward at the traffic that continued to build in front of us. I knew why Justin has an attitude today, and I knew exactly what his problem was. Was it right for him to flip out at Rachel, no probably not, but I could understand it if she was harping on him. I didn't want to be the reason for Justin's bad moods, and I especially didn't want to be the reason for him getting sick. I realized that he now had to keep this secret too, and that really wasn't fair to him. Trace must have seen the look on my face because he put his arm around me and whispered to me that everything would be okay and that it would blow over before the day was over. I knew he was right, just like he was right when he told me how Justin would respond to everything. We talked after Justin left this morning and Trace told me that everything would just brew in his head all day, and he'd be turned off and distant to anyone besides me. He'd put on a strong face for me and pretend like it's not really bothering him, but deep down inside he really wants to find B and Victor and bash their heads open. In the end we'll talk about it, settle it, and then talk about it some more until all of his questions are answered. Trace says he's protective of anyone he's close with and he's going to be extra protective of me, which is what he's doing right now with Rachel.

I grabbed Justin's hand and put my head on his shoulder while he looked out the window. I didn't want it to be like this, but I knew that we'd get through it. After about a half hour of driving in silence we finally pulled up to the venue. Everyone got out of the car except Justin so I got back in and sat next to him not saying a word. I saw Rachel and Trace walking into the venue and I could tell from his exaggerated gesturing that Trace was yelling at Rachel. Justin chuckled a little bit after seeing the same thing I did and turned to kiss me.

"He tells us to stop yelling and then turns around and does just that."

"He's just looking out for you babe."

"I know. She just doesn't drop shit you know? Everyone deserves an off day, but she won't just let me have mine. I was going to apologize for yelling at her earlier but now I'm rethinking it."

"She's worried about you."

"She's nosy."

"Just say you're sorry and that you're dealing with some stuff and I'm sure she'll understand," I said rubbing his thigh.

"You keep doing that and I'm going to be apologizing for missing rehearsal," he replied with a huge smile on his face. I hit his leg and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Come on, go rehearse," I said while reaching for the door handle.

"You pretty lady," he said pulling me back to him, "are a tease."

"If you're nice to everyone for the rest of the day and do everything on your schedule, I might just follow through tonight," I said with a wink. No sooner did the words leave my mouth and he was out of the car jogging into the venue, turning around only to make sure I was following him. We entered the venue and I was handed an all access pass to put around my neck and Lonnie took me inside while Justin went to meet with the crew. I walked into an empty arena and sat down in the front row next to Trace and Rachel. I turned around and took in how big the place looked. I had never been in an empty arena before and it was crazy to think that this place would be completely full of screaming fans.

"Crazy right?" Trace asked.

"Insane. I can only imagine how it feels up there to see thousands of people looking back at you."

I looked back at the stage to see Justin walking over to the piano. I had seen his show before but never like this. He was in a T-Shirt and Basketball shorts and I wanted to rip them off and have him right there on that stage. He was directing the band and changing up a few of the songs. He was totally in his element, focused and being the perfectionist that he is. He sang a few songs in their entirety and I found myself closing my eyes and taking it all in. This was an experience I'd never ever forget. Sitting in an arena that holds thousands of people with just Trace and Rachel watching the ultimate performer do what he does best. I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet being in the position that I was in and being able to see all the hard work everyone puts in to make the show what it is every night.

Rehearsal wasn't long and we were soon back at the hotel. Justin had some phone interviews to do and I had a lot of studying that I needed to accomplish so we both decided to do that by the pool. Justin put on a baseball hat and sunglasses with his bathing suite so that he wouldn't be recognized, and was extra careful to keep his head down while other people were around. I put my IPod on and immersed myself into my books while he talked on the phone rolling his eyes over and over again at the questions being asked. I was deep into my Media Criticism book when I felt a tap on my shoulder about an hour later. I looked up while taking my headphones out to see Rachel standing there.

"Hey can I talk to you in private?" she asked.

"Sure," I said looking over at Justin who was still on the phone. I motioned that I was going with Rachel and gave him a kiss. "What's up?" I asked when we got to the other side of the pool.

"Look I don't know you that well," she started, "but it's been made clear to me that my cousin obviously likes you a lot and you seem to be the only one that he listens to as of late. I can't have Justin act the way he's acted all day today for the rest of this tour so I have two things to ask you. Number one, whatever happened between you guys today could you not let it happen again? And number two; don't hurt him he's been hurt enough in relationships and he doesn't deserve to be hurt again. He's the most genuine person I know and he doesn't deserve to be played so if that is your plan can you just let him down easily now so that it won't kill him in the end please?"

"Wow," was all I could get out at first. I sorted out my thoughts and answered her in the best way I could without having to divulge too much information. "I'm not going to lie to you and say Justin wasn't in a bad mood today, he was. We didn't fight or anything but I told him something that's, let's just say difficult to hear that happened to me. According to Trace this is how he gets when something like this happens, but I can promise you that I have nothing else to tell him that will make him like this again. He's having an off day, just let him have it. I'm sure he's going to apologize to you at some point. And second of all, I have no intentions of playing Justin. Everything that's happened has been as much of a shock to me as it is to you, but I'm falling hard for your cousin and I don't plan on ever hurting him. I've been hurt before so I know what it feels like and I would never do that to another person. I don't know if you like me or not but I can assure you that I'm not going anywhere and I plan to be a part of Justin's life for as long as he will have me because honestly, I've never in my whole life felt this way about another person Rachel. I know I'm not the type of girl he typically dates, and that I'm in school and live across the country from him and it's going to be hard...really hard, but I'm going to put everything I have into this relationship. Rachel I give you my word, I'm in this for the right reasons I promise."

"Okay," she said, "I believe you. And I'll cut him some slack for today. But just know that his lifestyle is crazy and you haven't seen half of it yet. So get ready for a roller costar ride."

"I'm ready. Well I'm probably not ready but I'm pretty good at rolling with the punches. He's worth it, your cousin is a pretty amazing guy you know."

"Eh, he's alright," she said with a laugh. "And just a little FYI for you. Justin doesn't cheat, so when you see him in a tabloid with a brunette it's always me."

"Thanks," I said with a smile, and the next thing I knew she gave me a hug.

"Welcome to the family, it's a shit show."

We continued to talk for a while to get to know each other and after about a half hour I felt someone behind me. I turned around and there was Justin about to attack until I caught him. He hugged me from behind and kissed the back of my head.

"Ladies," he greeted us, "is everything okay over here?"

"Everything is great," I replied, "Rachel here was just telling me about that week when you were 4 and insisted on running around the house naked."

"She was was she?" he said giving Rachel the look of death.

"Mmmhmm."

"Rachel is going to get her ass beat after the show tonight, which I have to leave for. But before I do," he said letting go of me and walking over to Rachel, "I'm really sorry about today Rach my mind was just somewhere else and..."

"It's okay," she interrupted him, "don't worry about it."

"Thanks?" he said looking back and forth from me to Rachel. "I don't know what's going on here, but I don't think I like it." Rachel and I just looked at each other and laughed, and it was then that I knew everything with Rachel was going to be okay.

Justin left with Eric and Rachel to go to the venue around 5:00. I sat out by the pool until 7 studying before going back in and getting ready for the show. I walked into our room and sitting right in front of me on the counter was a vase filled with two dozen long stemmed red roses. I walked over and pulled a small white envelope out of the holder inside the vase while putting a rose to my nose. I opened the envelope and read the note.

Marissa,

You are the strongest, most beautiful, most inspiring person I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life. You have changed my world for the better in just over a week. I am the luckiest man in this world. I can't wait to see you at the show and to hold you in my arms tonight. I love you so much.

-J

PS-Keep your eyes open and tonight and enjoy the show.

I read the note three times, and each time tears streamed down my face. This time though, they were happy tears.

*****

The venue was packed by the time Trace and I got to our seats. Justin insisted that we have security with us just in case people recognize Trace and start asking questions. If questions were to arise we were instructed to tell people that I was dating Trace, and Justin and I were just friends. I did as Justin asked and kept my eyes open for the show. It was a totally different experience then the first time, but both were amazing. He truly is the best at what he does and seeing him up there made me proud to be his girlfriend. About halfway through the show he came up from underneath the stage with a guitar on his lap. I knew that he was about to sing "Gone" and a couple of songs that weren't singles off of Justified, and I really had to go to the bathroom so I got up and told Trace I'd be right back.

"NO!" he yelled grabbing my arm, "no you can't leave, intermission is right after this just stay for this."

"Trace I've been to his show before and I'll be there tomorrow it's okay."

"Please just stay? For me?"

"You are the weirdest person I know," I said sitting back down.

I looked up at the stage and made eye contact with Justin, I couldn't help but smile. He adjusted his microphone and thanked the audience before continuing.

"So usually at this point in the show I slow it down just a little bit, and as some of you may know I usually sing Gone, off of *NSync's Celebrity album." The crowd went insane, "But tonight," he said after they quieted down, "tonight I'm going to change it up a bit. You see just recently someone came into my life that has changed my world, and I'm so grateful that things have worked out the way they have. I truly am the happiest I've been in well...forever. So this song goes out to her. I love you baby."

I couldn't believe that he had just announced to the world that he was in love with me. Sure he didn't say my name or anything but I knew he was talking about me, and what shocked me even more was the beautiful song that was coming out of his mouth.

So many times I thought I held it in my hands
But just like grains of sand
Love slipped through my fingers
So many nights I asked the Lord above
Please make me lucky enough to find a love that lingers
Something keeps telling me that you could be my answered prayer
You must be heaven sent, I swear
Cuz...

Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak
something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak
Could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
Cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me

Girl in your eyes I feel your fire burn
Oh your secrets I will learn
Even if it takes forever
With you by my side I can do anything
I don't care what tomorrow brings as long as we're together
My heart is telling me that you could be my meant to be
I know it more each time we touch
Cuz...

Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak
something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak
Could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
Cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me

Something magical (something magical)
Something spiritual (something spiritual)
Something stronger than the two of us alone
Something physical
Something undeniable (undeniable)
Nothing like anything (anything) that I've ever known
Cuz...

Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak
Something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak
Could it be true is this what God has meant for me?
Cuz baby I can't believe...that something like you could happen to me

Something happened...ohhhh, can't believe that you happened to me

My eyes were locked with her for the entire 3 minutes and 41 seconds it took to sing that song. Half way through tears started to fall down her face, but this times they were good tears, they were happy tears. After I hit the last note I wanted to jump off the stage and wrap my arms around her, but I knew I couldn't so I enlisted Trace to be me before the show. I saw him put his arm around her shoulder and I winked at her before continuing on with the show.

I hadn't sung that song in years, but during a phone interview today someone randomly asked me about it which was strange to me since it wasn't even a single off of the album. I didn't think much of it until I looked up and saw Marissa sitting next to me studying, looking so cute bobbing her head to whatever song was playing on her IPod and a light bulb went off in my head. I started singing the words to myself and realized that it was exactly how I've been feeling since the first day that we met. Everything that has happened has been so out of the blue and random and I can't believe that it's all played out the way that it has, but I'm so happy and grateful for it. I honestly can't believe that she has entered my life and I've fallen in love with her. Every relationship that has led up to this hasn't worked because it wasn't her; she's everything I could ever ask for. I knew that I needed to sing that song to her tonight so I immediately started making phone calls to people and made changes to the set.

The first call I made was to JC to see where he was and if he was available tonight to sing it with me. Not only would it be for her, but also the fans would probably go ballistic. Unfortunately he had booked studio time for one of his artists in LA and couldn't make it but gave me permission to sing his part. The next call I made was to the band and backup singers to let them know that there was a change to the set list and a new song was going to be added so rehearsal would be an hour early. I called into my last phone interview and let them know that I was running short on time due to a change in my schedule and wrapped it up really quick. I then called a local florist and had 2 dozen long stemmed roses sent to our hotel room for her to find when she came back up to get ready. I went and told Marissa and Rachel that I had to leave for rehearsal and she didn't catch on or ask why I was leaving so early, but Rachel knowing my schedule shot me a look questioning why we were leaving so early but she let it go until we got in the car to go.

The change came together fairly quickly, no one seemed to have a problem with it but I seemed to struggle with getting back into the swing of it. We worked on it until it was perfect and it sounded perfect during the show. The rest of the show seemed to fly by. I kept finding myself making every effort to look at her, and that smile kept me going. It was almost like I lived to see her smile. During intermission I called Trace, he said that she'd almost gone to the bathroom right before I started singing the song but he managed to get her to stay. My plan was working; she was falling for me just as hard as I was falling for her. Little did she know I had one more surprise up my sleeve for her tonight.

After the show I was getting compliments left and right on the song. I'm actually thinking about keeping it in the set list for the rest of the tour. I walked into my dressing room and saw her sitting on the couch with a bottle of water in one hand while her other hand was busy with the dogs. She really has won the dogs over, and that to me is a notch on her list of good things. If you don't love my dogs I can't love you. Buckley had his two front legs up on her lap and was licking her face, while Brennon was lying next to her on the couch getting his head rubbed. The only two things that they weren't allowed to do, jump on people and be on furniture. She let them get away with way too much.

"HEY!" I yelled, and they both immediately got down when they heard my voice. Brennon laid down on the floor by her feet and Buckley came running over to me. "You know you're not suppose to jump on people buddy," I said kneeling down and letting him lick my face.

"Now this brings back some memories," she said now standing in front of me, "except this time I walked down here willingly."

"Hey," I said standing up and giving her a kiss, "did you enjoy the show?"

"Is that even a question?" she responded, "Justin that song...it was...it was beautiful. And the flowers. God you are amazing. Thank you so much."

"Those words in that song...it's everything that I've wanted to say to you but couldn't find the words for. You mean the world to me baby, you really are my answered prayer."

"Justin..." was all she could say before she literally leapt into my arms. I walked over to the couch and sat down with her in my lap and her arms wrapped around my neck. "I don't know how I got so lucky," she said while kissing my neck.

"You think you're lucky now? Just wait until later," I said.

"Justin Timberlake! Are you implying things of the sexual nature?" She asked smirking.

"Actually I was referring to a surprise, but now that you mention it you may not be receiving that surprise until much later tonight."

"Another surprise? Justin you're spoiling me."

"No you, " I said pointing to her and putting a stern look on my face, "are spoiling these dogs. No jumping, and no furniture got it?"

"But they're just so cute."

"I know they look cute, but deep down inside they are the devil."

"Fine, no jumping and no furniture."

"Now let's go home," I said throwing her over my shoulder and walking to the door. Just then my phone started to ring in my pocket. I put her down and answered quickly. I was told that her surprise would be arriving later then expected which was now music to my ears because I wanted to get her back to the hotel and rip her clothes off.

"Who was that?" she asked with a curious look on her face.

"Oh just someone with information about your surprise that will be arriving later then expected. Which means if I remember correctly from back in the car earlier, since I did everything I was suppose to today and even apologized to Rachel, you are suppose to follow through with something."

"You're a freak."

"You love it."

***

Back at the hotel we ordered room service and ate dinner in bed. She asked me a lot of questions about the tour and my plans for after. Truthfully, I had planned on camping out in my house in LA for a good two months and only coming out if there was an emergency, but since I had met her, I couldn't imagine not spending every free moment with her.

"Funny you should ask," I said shoving my last piece of pie in my mouth. "I was actually just talking to Rachel about this in the car on the way to the venue. Tour ends in a week, you're out of school in a week, so I was thinking if you wanted to I could fly you out to LA until the fall semester starts."

"You always seem to forget about work Justin. I can't just not go to work for two weeks."

"Yes you can."

"Oh I can? And how do you know this?"

"Because I called them yesterday and requested it off for you."

"No you didn't! Justin you can't just call me out of work like you're my mother. I'm not 10 years old it doesn't work like that in the real world." She was now pointing at me with her fork.

"Babe, calm down. I told them that I was giving you a late birthday present and taking you on a surprise trip so you wouldn't be able to call out."

"And what they were just okay with it?"

"Well no, but I did talk to your boss, what's her name again?"

"Jacqui."

"Yes, Jacqui. Talked to her and found out that she is a HUGE Justin Timberlake fan so I told her I had some connections and I could hook her up with an autograph if she gave you the time off."

"And of course she fell for it because she is obsessed with you."

"See, everything is taken care of."

"You know you can't do this all the time. Just because you're Justin Timberlake biggest pop star in the world and I'm your girlfriend doesn't mean you can bribe people all the time so that I don't have to go to work or class. You get this one time."

"Okay okay I promise," I said. "I know about what I'm going to do after that too, do you want to hear it?"

"I'd love you," she said with her mouth full of watermelon.

"I'm taking two months off and living in Boston."

"YOU'RE DOING WHAT?!" she screamed and I thought her eyes were about to pop out of her head. "I'm sorry I thought you said you were living in Boston for two months."

"Yep, you heard me right. I've always loved Boston and I have friends there. I was going to take time off anyway, so why not spend it in Boston so that I can be closer to you?"

"Babe, you can't rearrange you're life and your living situation just for me. I'm not going to be able to do a lot with you anyway between school and homework and work. I know that you wanted to just go home for two months and just be a hermit, don't let me stop you from doing that."

"You're not stopping me. I want to. I want to be close to you even if I can't be with you all the time. I can't stand to be 3,000 miles away from you when I know I don't have to. If I was working and had to be away that's one thing, but I can do anything I want with this time and I want to be close to you. I won't bug you I promise I'll let you do your thing, I have friends there so I'll keep myself occupied, I just want to know that you're not across the country and I can be there for you if you need me, and you'll be close if I need you."

"You're a sweet talker you know that right?"

"I'm really good at getting my way," I replied moving the tray table off of her lap and onto the floor before straddling her legs and kissing her mouth. I wanted her so bad and I knew for a fact that she wanted me too or else I wouldn't be pushing this. I saw her looking at me with googly eyes at rehearsal. I even saw her wipe sweat off of her forehead at one point. And in the car on the way there, that smirk on her face could only mean that she was thinking about having sex with me. Not to mention the fact that my pants were thrown into a pile on the floor with my shirt, her shirt and her bra in a matter of seconds. I unbuttoned her jeans as I placed small kisses down her entire body, and just as my mouth got to the top of her jeans she let out a small moan. I pulled her pants off and threw them in the building pile and she pulled me back up to her mouth. I felt her hand wrap around me and I couldn't help but let out a moan. She took my hand with her free one and put it where she wanted it, where she was craving it. She was so wet and it was taking every ounce of me to not put myself inside of her right this minute. I pulled her hand off of me while I reached into the drawer next to the bed for a condom. I was about to rip the package open when she stopped me.

"Justin wait."

"What's the matter? Are you okay? We don't have to do this if you don't want to," I said now concerned that she might think I pushed her into this too fast.

"No no...I want to...clearly," she said letting out a small laugh, "there's just something I need to tell you first."

"What is it?" I asked lying down next to her and rubbing her back.

"Sorry, I probably just killed the mood but there's just something you should know before we do this."

"Baby what is it?"

"Well," she said looking off at the wall behind me, "You see...It's just...Well I've..." she started twirling her thumbs and couldn't look me in the eyes. I took her face in my hands and made her look at me, trying to let her know she could tell me anything.

"It's okay babe, you can tell me anything I promise."

"I've never actually willingly had sex before. After everything that happened I just didn't think I could handle it and never put myself in a position where it would come up, so I probably suck at it and you're going to hate it."

I was a little shocked at what came out of her mouth. That was something I totally wasn't expecting, but it didn't change anything for me. "Marissa no middle name Mitchell," I said locking my eyes with hers, "you will not suck at it, and I definitely will not hate it, and if you don't feel like you're ready for this it's okay."

"No I'm ready for it, I really am," she said, "I just really want it to be as good for you as it is for me and I guess...I guess I'm just scared it might trigger a flashback or something and I don't want to hurt you or anything."

"Well go slow," I said, "and if you feel like you need to stop, just tell me and I'll stop. I promise you that I will not hurt you, and if something hurts stop me. I won't let you hurt me okay? And this will be amazing for both of us. I will make this special for you...trust me," I said before softly kissing her lips.

"I trust you," she whispered.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," she said pulling me back on top of her.

The mood was not lost by our little conversation. Within five minutes I had a condom on and we were about to have sex for the first time. I looked down at her and she was ready, I could tell that she trusted me and she wanted it, but suddenly I became really nervous. I didn't want to trigger a flashback or hurt her, and I wanted this to be amazing for her. I slowly slid inside of her making sure I kept an eye on her face so that I could see any signs of pain or discomfort, there were none. I was going slow, apparently too slow for her because after a few minutes she looked me in the eye and practically begged me to go "faster and harder." I did as she asked and soon after her moaning got a lot louder and I watched her eyes roll into the back of her head and her body quiver in ecstasy. She pulled my face to hers and practically threw me on the bed so that she could get on top of me. I don't know why she would think that she would suck because she was on the total opposite end of the spectrum.

After about an hour of the greatest sex I've ever had in my life, she had had countless orgasms and I literally thought my entire body was going to explode with mine. She had her head on my shoulder and her arm wrapped around my torso. This was heaven to me. If I could have laid  there for the rest of my life I would have and after twenty minutes of silence except for the sound of our heartbeats she told me the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me before in my life.

"Justin..."

"Yeah baby."

"That was perfect. Thank you for understanding and for being incredibly good in the sack," she laughed.

"That was pretty perfect, and I don't know why you would ever think that you would suck because you were fucking incredible."

I heard the knocking but I was praying that I was dreaming until I heard it again. And again. And again. I looked up at the clock, 5:45am. I had no intensions of moving from this position for at least another four hours.

::Knock Knock Knock::

Whoever this knocker was, was being awfully persistent. Didn't they realize that the sun hasn't even come up yet? Justin snoring next to me hasn't even heard the knocking that has now been going on for at least five minutes. I debated waking him up because whoever was knocking was clearly looking for him since no one I knew had any clue as to where I was, but I looked over and he looked so peaceful. Plus, after the workout he had last night, he deserved all the sleep he could get. I ducked out from under his arm and saw him roll over onto where my body was seconds before. I grabbed his T-Shirt that I violently took off of him last night and threw on the floor and put it on while I walked around the room trying to find underwear. I smiled to myself thinking about last night and how perfect it was.

::Knock Knock Knock::

I was forced to snap back to reality as the knocking continued. My under garments were nowhere to be found so I picked Justin's boxers off the floor and stepped into them rolling the waist down so that they would stay up as I walked over to the hotel door. Halfway there I realized that there was a good chance that it could have been Justin's mother at the door and I was about to open it wearing her son's clothing. There's a good first impression.

::Knock Knock Knock::

"I'm coming," I said softly as to not wake Justin, now jogging to the door. I was now prepared to bitch out whoever was at the door so long as it wasn't his mother. I flung the door open and when I looked up to see who was standing in front of me my jaw dropped to the floor and I let out a scream. "Holy shit Luke," was all I could say before I was pulled into the arms of my best friend. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too," he said pulling back with a huge smile on his face.

"I can't believe you're here! And at the ass crack of dawn for that matter," I said, "Come in sit down."

"I know it's early, and I figured you would bitch me out, I know how you love your sleep. My flight was supposed to come in last night but it got delayed due to extreme fog. Vermont, always unpredictable."

"Wait you're home in Vermont? How long have you been off the road?" Luke had been chosen in January to partake in Test Driving America, which was an opportunity to drive around the country and stop in each state to do a job that interested him. He loved to travel and wanted to figure out what to major in in Grad School, so when he got chosen he got in his car and left within a week. I hadn't seen him in 8 months and it was hard to keep in contact with him, so we hadn't spoken in a while.

"I took a week off. I was back on the east coast and I just wanted to sleep in my own bed for a while. Then I got a call from this person claiming to be your boyfriend saying he wanted me to fly down to Florida to surprise you. I thought to myself, this can't be true my best friend has a boyfriend that she hasn't told me about, but when I got to the airport and showed my ID low and behold there was a ticket at the counter waiting for me. Not only was there a ticket, but a first class ticket, which was quite the experience by the way. So here I am in Florida, waiting for an explanation on this boyfriend of yours that you have failed to mention to me." He was looking at me with stern eyes, but I knew he wasn't mad just shocked. I told Luke everything, we were attached at the hip, and everyone always said that we would marry each other. We once tried dating but kissing Luke made me want to physically vomit, and he informed me that he felt the same way. We were just too close, it was like kissing my brother.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you, it's kind of complicated."

"I have time," he said.

"Okay I hope you're prepared for some interesting information because this is going to be a bit shocking for you." I said sitting down next to him. I knew Justin didn't care if I told him about us, if he did he wouldn't have invited him here, but I wasn't sure how to approach telling my best friend that I was dating Justin Timberlake. "I only met him about a week ago, and things have moved pretty quickly to say the least. He's been traveling for work and he flew me out this weekend to be with him. I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to see if it was going to work first, he travels a lot and is based out of LA. But to be perfectly honest with you, and you're going to kill me for saying this so soon, but I think I'm in love with him."

"So you are in love with a guy that you just met last week, that lives 3,000 miles away and is always traveling?"

"Pretty much yes."

"You realize that this can only end in disaster and that you are crazy right?"

"I thought that too at first, but Luke he is amazing. He's perfect and I know that you will love him and I know that you will approve. He makes me laugh, and he listens to me and cares about me, and most importantly he makes me smile. I haven't smiled this much in probably my entire life. I know it's going to be extremely hard, but I also know that we can make it work. I mean lets face it at this point in my life I can't be consumed by another person anyway I'm really busy so him traveling isn't such a bad thing."

"Marissa I really don't want to see you hurt. After Brandon I thought you were going to die, I can't see you like that again."

"He's not going to hurt me."

"I hope you're right, because you deserve the best and nothing less then that. Where is this mystery man anyway, is he staying in this hotel too?"

"He is in the bedroom actually."

"Marissa Mitchell, did you sleep with this man?"

"Maybe?" I said waiting for him to ream me out.

"Marissa, what is going on with you sweetie. This is so out of character for you. Sneaking around and not telling people about your boyfriend then sleeping with him after only a week."

"Look there's a reason why I couldn't tell anyone about him."

"And what is that? Is he in the mob or something?"

"No, not quite," I said.

"So what is it?"

"Well...you see...you're not going to believe me but..."

"I see your surprise has arrived," I looked up to see Justin standing in the doorway of the bedroom. I turned to look at Luke and this time it was his jaw that was on the ground. It looked like he was trying to speak but couldn't exactly form any words at the moment.

"Luke this is Justin. Justin this is my best friend Luke who says you called him mysteriously and invited him out here without my knowledge.

"It's nice to meet you man," Justin said walking over to Luke and shaking his hand, "thanks for coming out on such short notice, but I'd been talking to Marissa and she wouldn't shut up about how she missed you and how she wanted me to meet you." He sat down on the other side of me and took my hand in his.

"I think I might understand why you couldn't tell me," was all Luke managed to get out.

"Yeah, he's kind of a big deal," I said.

"Kind of? Marissa you are dating Justin fucking Timberlake."

"This is a true statement. One that can't really get out to anyone or else we'd both get hounded, which is why I haven't told you yet. I mean  I trust you and I know you wouldn't say anything but I feel like if the words come out of my mouth a fly on the wall might hear it and that would be the end of privacy."

"No I understand, it's okay. Wow sorry," he said shaking his head as if to make sure it was all real, "I just totally didn't expect Justin Timberlake to walk out of that bedroom."

"Sorry," Justin replied, "I woke up when I heard Marissa scream when she saw you but I wanted to give you guys some time to catch up. I figured she would have told you by now."

"Yeah, I hadn't exactly gotten around to that yet," I said. "I was a little shocked when I saw my best friend standing at my door after I hadn't seen him for 8 months."

"Well, I know now," Luke said getting his composure back. "It's a pleasure meeting you Justin, and thanks for inviting me out. I haven't seen Marissa in forever. If you guys don't mind I'm going to freshen up and collect my thoughts for a moment, I'm still just a little shocked by all of this."

"Of course," I said getting up and showing him the bathroom. "We'll order some room service you must be starving."

"Yeah, that'd be great," he said standing in the doorway of the bathroom. He gave me another hug, "it's so good to see you. And I'd just like to remind you, that you're dating Justin Timberlake, someone that you've been drooling over since age 12."

"Shut up," I said hitting him on the shoulder. He laughed while closing the door.

I walked back out to the living room and Justin was sitting on the couch with a huge smirk on his face. I couldn't help but smile back at him. I walked over and sat down on his lap while placing a kiss on his forehead.

"You're a sneak," I said.

"You look awfully sexy in my t-shirt and boxers."

"Don't change the subject. You stole my phone and got my best friends phone number and snuck him out to Florida without even telling me. Not to mention you didn't even tell him who you were."

"Do you honestly think he would have believed me?"

"Well, no but still. You didn't tell me."

"Because I wanted to surprise you. Mission accomplished by the way."

"Thank you Justin. Thank you, thank you, thank you," I said before putting my mouth on his.

"Mmmm, you're welcome," he said. "And thank you for last night."

"You're thanking me for last night? Last night was...I have no words, but I should be thanking you."

"How about we stop fighting about who should be thanked, and thank each other later."

"I think I like the sound of that," I said getting up and walking over to the phone. "I'm ordering room service, what do you want?"

"You, naked on a platter."

"Funny," I said.

***

We spent the morning catching up and Luke and Justin were getting to know each other. Luke finally composed himself enough to have a conversation with Justin so when I was done eating I got up to get ready for the day. We were leaving for Miami at 10:00 and I was flying back to Boston after the show tonight. I didn't even want to think about leaving Justin. I didn't want to go back to my life of school, work, bills, and finals. I couldn't imagine going to sleep at night and waking up without Justin next to me. He told me last night that he's going to fly me out to LA for two weeks after my final, and that he was going to move to Boston for two months once I start back up at school. Inside I was so excited when he told me he was moving to Boston during his time off, but I don't want to be the reason he makes all the decisions that he does. If this is going to work we're going to need to be apart every once and a while because that's what he does, he travels, so we need to get use to it. Deep down though, I'm really excited about it.

But before I could even think too much about that I had to figure out how I was going to win his parents over. His Mom and Dad were coming to the show tonight and from what Justin has told me, his mother isn't exactly pleased about us dating. I know how close Justin is with his mother and I hope that she tries to get to know me before she judges me. It's important to me that his Mom likes me because I know how hard it would be for him to go against something his mother doesn't believe in.

I took a long steaming hot shower and thought about last night the entire time. It was everything I'd ever hoped it would be and more. I told him that I'd never had sex before and then realized telling him shouldn't have been as hard as it was. I should have known that it wouldn't matter to him and that he would walk me through it. The way he looked at me the whole time with so much passion and concern, making sure that he wasn't hurting me and that I didn't have a flashback or anything made me fall even more in love with him then I already was. He was incredible. I couldn't even count how many orgasms I had, the expression mind-blowing sex doesn't even begin describe it. The sex was so good it shouldn't even be legal. Granted I am a little sore this morning, but it's totally worth it. Just thinking about it makes me want to yell for him right now, make him strip naked and have him right here in the shower. Plus, not only was he good in bed but he also flew out my best friend just because he knew I missed him and wanted them to meet. He is just beyond words this man, perfection. It almost makes me a little nervous that once I find a flaw it's going to be a big one.

After composing myself and getting ready for the day I walked out to the living room to see Justin, Luke and Trace playing video games. Typical men. Actually no, I should rephrase that to typical boys. I packed up all of mine and Justin's stuff that accumulated on the floor last night back into our suitcases and made a few important phone calls that I had been neglecting to do. My first call was to Amy to let her know that I'd be back tonight and to check in on what's going on back at school. She told me that a few people have asked her about me and she told them that I went home for the weekend, and that Justin was not my boyfriend. She asked me a million and one questions about Justin and how the weekend was going. I gave her as few details as possible so that I wouldn't be on the phone with her for the better part of the day, and ensured her that I would be coming home with an autograph for her. I honestly don't know if her giddiness will ever subside when it comes to Justin, but we'll have to work on her little by little.

My next call was to Jen who I still hadn't really spoken to extensively since the concert last week. She is the one person that I want to tell so badly about Justin, but I know if I do, I'd have camera's following me around tomorrow. She has a HUGE mouth, not on purpose though. She just gets so excited about things and can't contain herself. I once told her I went on a second date with someone and two hours later was getting phone calls from mutual friends asking me about my new boyfriend. I told Jen that I met someone and it was CRITICAL that she not say anything to anyone just yet. Sometimes if you stress the fact that if she opens her mouth it might be disastrous, she keeps it closed for the most part. She tried to get me to give her details but I didn't budge. Another call to work and my house just to check in and make sure everyone was still alive and I was back to studying on the bed. 10:00 rolled around pretty quickly and I still didn't feel as prepared as I should have for finals. I rounded up the boys, got into the waiting SUV, and we were on our way to Miami.

I fell asleep on Justin's lap fairly quickly into the drive. Rachel had gone down to Miami the night before to make sure everything was okay so I was stuck with the boys. They were talking about video games and dumb movies and they literally put me to sleep. We went over a bump that woke me up but I was so exhausted that I just kept my eyes closed and tried to fall back to sleep. Everyone had stopped talking and I could hear Justin humming to himself, and Luke was on his cell phone in front of us. After Luke hung up I heard him turn around and face us.

"Still sleeping?" Luke asked.

"Yeah, she only got a few hours last night, and it's been a pretty busy weekend. Not to mention she studies every time she has free time so she hasn't gotten much shut eye this weekend."

"She's pretty focused, and out to prove everyone wrong about her. Her whole life people have basically told her she's not good enough and for as long as I've known her she's been doing her best to make herself good enough. I'm really proud of her, she's over come a lot of obstacles to get where she is now. I can tell that you're making her happy. She's let some of her guard down with you, I know sometime it may not seem like it but she has. To see her smile again...it's been forever since I've seen a genuine smile on her face. Please don't hurt her man. She's been through so much already, she doesn't deserve to be hurt again."

 I should have opened my eyes and let them know that I was awake. I should have let Justin know that everything Luke just said was true, but I didn't because I knew I'd cry and I had done enough of that. I also wanted to hear what Justin's response was going to be and I knew if he knew that I was awake he wouldn't say anything. Sneaky I know, but he's a sneak too. I could feel him twirling my hair with his right hand while his left hand was rubbing up and down my back.

"I wish I could sit here and tell you that I'm perfect, and that we'll never fight, and we'll live happily ever after in a big house with a white picket fence and perfect children that don't ever cry running around, but I live in the real world. I know that we're going to fight and it's going to be a challenge to make this work, and the minute this gets out to the public all hell will probably break loose which is one of the reasons why I'm going to move to Boston after the tour for two months. But I will never ever do anything to intentionally hurt her man. People think I'm crazy, it's only been a week and she's a fan. My own mother bitched me out but I'm in love with her Luke. I've never felt this way about another person before in my entire life. She's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. Seeing her smile keeps me going. I know she has had a horrible past, but I will do everything in my power to prove to her that not all men are the same, and so help me God if I ever get my hands on those mother fuckers they'll never see the light of day again..."

"She told you?"

"Oh she told me," he said pausing for a moment. "She told me and it took everything in me to not hunt them down and murder them with my bare hands. Just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I don't understand how someone can be so disrespectful and degrading and disgusting. How can you be with someone for three years, make them believe that you love them and allow that to happen. This girl is fucking incredible. She's genuine, she's caring, and she's honest and real. My instinct the moment I met he was to protect her from everything that might hurt her, and after three years that piece of scum just threw her away like a piece of garbage. It makes me sick."

"That whole ordeal was...I don't even think there's a word for what it was. He fooled everyone, we all thought that he was great and that they were in love, and then out of nowhere I get a call from the police to come pick her up from the station. She couldn't even tell me what happened when I asked her, she just handed me the police report. She locked herself in her room for months. She'd let me in when I'd come over but she wouldn't say anything, she'd just lie in her bed and stare at the wall with music blaring while I held her. I honestly didn't know if she'd ever get through it, and then one day she just got up and it was like it never happened. To this day she has never really talked to me about it, so for her to tell you, that's a huge step she must really love you."

"I'm sorry she told me and not you, I didn't know."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I don't need her to tell me, I know what happened. I guess her telling you proves to me that she really does have feelings for you, you're special to her and you need to know that. I honestly thought she might be alone forever, but it makes me feel so much better to know that she has you, you're helping her even if you don't know it. You're the real deal man, so don't fuck it up."

"I would never allow myself to fuck this up. She's everything I've ever wanted and more, and to know that you back us up means a lot to her but to me also. You mean so much to her and I know that your opinion means the world, so I appreciate you supporting us."

"No problem man. You seem pretty genuine, just know that I will hurt you if you hurt her. I may not look like I can, but I will."

We went over a huge pothole right then and there was no way I could pull off my fake sleeping anymore. I sat up and adjusted my eyes to the sunlight. We had just gotten off the exit to our hotel which meant that I slept for more then half of the way before I woke up and eaves dropped into their conversation. Even though it was wrong, I'm glad I did it. These two men were amazing. Luke is like family, and always has been since the day I met him and to know that he supports my decision in dating Justin means everything to me. And Justin, he just gets more amazing every time he speaks. He loves me, he's proven that to me and to Luke. He'll protect me like no one else has. He is the one for me. I know we'll have our ups and downs but after hearing what I just heard, I'm confident in saying we'll get through each and every one of them and be happier in the end.

"Hey sleepy head," Justin said.

"Hi," I said trying to make my stiff neck go away. "Sorry I'm an awful hostess," I said to Luke.

"You are pretty sucky, I had to talk to this jerk of a boyfriend of yours the whole ride."

"He is a huge jerk isn't he? I don't even know why I'm with him," I said laughing.

"Because I'm pretty awesome," Justin said in return.

"Oh, that's right I forgot," I said kissing him.

I looked out the window and saw the hotel in front of us with a big black Escalade parked in front. I knew who was in that SUV and my stomach immediately started turning. I had put off thinking about it long enough. I was about to meet Justin's parents and I had to make a good impression or there was no way they were going to accept us. His mother already has preconceived notions of me, and I had to do everything to win her over.

"Don't be nervous. Just be yourself," Justin whispered in my ear.

"I'm not nervous babe, I'm fine."

"Is she twirling her thumbs?" Luke asked.

"Of course she is, because she's nervous," Justin replied.

"I don't like you two together. Not one bit," I said, "You both know me too well."

"Everything will be fine," Justin responded, "Once she actually talks to you she'll love you. I promise."

"Well I sure hope so," I said unbuckling my seatbelt and grabbing my purse from the back.

"She will baby...Trust me she will."

Justin opened the car door and got out first. I watched him run over to his parents and give them both a hug and a kiss. My stomach was in knots.

"Just be yourself you freak," Luke said.

"I hate you, you know that right?"

"You love me and you'd be lost without me, now go."

"You're right," I said leaning forward and giving him a hug. "Thanks for everything Luke. For flying out here and for getting to know Justin, and for everything else you've ever done for me."

"You're welcome, and just so you know I approve. Don't fuck this up, he's the real deal. Now go and impress the shit out of his parents."

"Thank you for approving and understanding and being the Will to my Grace minus the gayness."

"You have issues. Get out of this car."

I looked back to the car I just got out of and saw her standing in front of it looking back and forth from me to Luke and twirling her thumbs. She was beyond nervous which was partially my fault by telling her about my mother's reservations. I made sure I approached my parents first so that they wouldn't go off on me with Marissa standing right there. I love my mother and all but she would find nothing wrong in that. She greeted me with a big hug and a kiss and when I asked her if she was going to flip out or not she said that she had come to terms with the fact that I'm 26 years old and I can make my own decisions. She said that when it all ended badly I was not allowed to come crying to her, and that she had a lot of questions to ask Marissa about her intentions and life plans. Even though I didn't want her to ask Marissa any questions I realized that we were getting off pretty easily and silently thanked my father with my eyes for calming my mother down about this whole situation because I know she didn't come to terms with it on her own.

I motioned for her to come over and after one last look back to her best friend she started very slowly walking towards us. I felt awful for putting her in the position she was in and let my mother know one last time how nervous she was to meet them and to be nice to her.

"I'm always nice Justin, quit makin' me out to be the devil," was her response. Before stating that Marissa was an awfully slow walker.

"She's nervous Mama, and rightfully so." She made it over to us with a smile on her face and her thumbs going a mile a minute. "Mama, Dad, this is my girlfriend Marissa, Ris these are my parents Lynn and Paul Harless."

"It's really nice to meet both of you," Marissa said putting her hand out for them to shake.

"Oh there are no handshakes in this family sweetheart, we hug," my father said pulling her in for a hug, "It's so nice to meet you, Justin's told us a lot about you."

"Yes, he's told us all about how you two met," my mother said giving her a kiss on the cheek. She stepped back over to me and I put my arm around her. I could tell that her nerves hadn't subsided. "Who's that in the car still Justin? Is that Trace? What's wrong with him not coming out to say hello...TRACE," she called out.

"Mama, that's not Trace in the car. That's Marissa's friend Luke."

"Oh, I see you're already traveling with an entourage sweetie,"

"MAMA!"

"N...No, I actually didn't even know..."

"I invited him out here Mama not Marissa. Quit being so rude."

"Watch your tone with me young man!"

"Could you help me a little here Pop?" I said as Marissa squeezed my hand.

"Lynn, be a little bit nicer dear. The girl hasn't done anything to you."

"I am being perfectly nice," she said giving myself and my father the death stare, "I don't know what the girl is so nervous about, I'm not going to do anything to her in broad daylight."

"MAMA!" I said again.

"Oh it's just a joke Justin, calm down you know I'm not violent."

"Well no one is laughing Mama, please." We stood there in silence for what felt like hours but was really probably only 10 seconds.

"Well, your father and I are going to get settled in. We'll meet for dinner in an hour yes? I can't wait to find out more about you Marissa."

"We'll see you in the lobby in an hour," I said.

"Nice meeting you," Marissa said in a whisper.

My mother turned and walked into the hotel with her purse on one shoulder and a suitcase rolling behind her. "Don't worry about her," my father said to Marissa, "She's just very protective of Justin, she'll loosen up by the end of dinner I promise." She shook her head as my father turned to follow my mother. After watching them walk over to the elevators she turned to me with a look of panic in her eyes.

"Your parents hate me."

"They do not hate you baby," I said pulling her into a hug, "I actually think that went quite well."

"YOU THINK THAT WENT WELL?" she screamed, "Justin, your mother threatened me!"

"She did not! You heard her, she's not a violent person."

"She said she wasn't going to do anything to me in broad daylight. What's going to happen when the sun goes down Justin? Don't you leave me alone with her after the sun sets."

"You're joking right?"

"No I'm not joking! Are you joking?

"Marissa, everything is fine. You heard what my father said. Just give her a chance to warm up to you. You have nothing to worry about, I promise you that she will love you by the end of dinner tonight."

"And what if she doesn't?"

"Then we'll have to break up," I said with a laugh.

"Justin that's not funny."

"Baby, I'm just kidding loosen up. She's going to love you, I have no doubt about it."

"If you say so," she said wrapping her arms around my waist and putting her head on my chest. I kissed the top of her head and looked up to see Luke walking over to us.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"His parents hate me, and when the sun goes down his mother is going to murder me and if by chance I get out alive and she still doesn't like me I'll be boyfriendless," she said before turning around and walking into the lobby of the hotel and hugging Lonnie who was standing inside waiting for us.

"So it went well?" Luke said jokingly after watching her stomp away.

"Swimmingly," I said trying to contain my laughter. "But in all seriousness it went fine. My mother over reacted; Marissa over reacted and the men took control. By the end of dinner they'll love each other and stay up all night talking about knitting or something. I'm really not worried about it. In reality they're the same people and my mother doesn't want to lose me to her and she thinks that if my mother doesn't approve I'm going to kick her ass to the curb, which is untrue."

"As long as you don't get my best friend killed, I'm not worried about it."

"I can guarantee that no murders will be taking place tonight." I heard Marissa yell for me from inside the hotel. She was pissed off that I wasn't taking this seriously and that we were making jokes about it. She had a right to be upset, but she didn't know my mother and if she did she would have thought this was funny too. We walked into the hotel and Lonnie handed me the keys to my room and the keys to Luke's room. Marissa was standing at the door to the stairwell waiting for me with an angry look on her face. I handed Luke his keys and told him what room we'd be in and told him he was welcome to have dinner with us.

"As much as I'd love to see this go down, this is probably something you guys should do alone. Good luck though I'm sure it will be a shitshow."

"Thanks for all of your support man, I may need to call you for backup." He laughed while walking over to Marissa to give her a hug before getting on the elevator. I handed her a key to the room and she looked up at me with eyes I'd never seen on her before. She was obviously mad at me and was doing a damn good job letting me know.

"How many flights are we walking up this time 37?"

"Two."

"What do you mean two?"

"I mean we're walking up two flights of stairs. I requested a room on a lower floor."

"Well why would you do that Justin?"

"Because neither you nor I want to walk up 37 flights of stairs Marissa. And I've told you a million times I don't care if my room is on the top floor or the first floor."

"Stop making changes to your life for me."

"I'm not. Marissa this is not that big of a deal would you stop worrying about it. The room is set up the same way a room on the top floor would be set up, and my parents do not hate you. Now can we stop fighting about this in the lobby of a hotel?"

"Whatever," she said turning around and walking up the stairs. I really didn't think meeting my parents would be this big of a deal for her, and she should be happy that I got a room on the second floor she's the one that asked me to do it. Sure I may be taking a situation that's a big deal in her eyes and making it a joke, but that's the way I handle things when they get awkward. By the time I made it up the stairs, the door to our room was left open, and she was in the bedroom with her laptop in front of her and notebooks open all around her. I let her sit there and pout while I unpacked my stuff and freshened up. I came back 45 minutes later to her in the same position with the same look on her face.

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Marissa, what is the problem here? Why are you do mad?"

"I'm not mad."

"So you're happy?"

"Thrilled," she said still not looking at me.

"Baby," I said sitting down on the bed next to her and closing her laptop. "Stop worrying about my parents. I need you to trust me on this one; I've known them for 26 years I know how they work. I'm sorry I made a joke out of it, but that's just how I get when I'm in an awkward position."

"I'm not going to dinner."

"Marissa...stop."

"Justin, I have nothing to offer your parents. I already have a bad rap because I'm a fan, I'm sure they think I'm a gold digger and when it comes down to it that's exactly what I look like. I live paycheck to paycheck; I live in a dorm room and get around by public transportation. I get bills in the mail every month that say past due, and when I graduate college I'm going to be over my head in debt. I'm here right now on your tab, and I'll be in LA next week on your tab. I have nothing to offer them. Girlfriends you've had have been in the business, and that's comforting to them because they know that they're not in it for the money. But no matter what whether your parents like me or not, they'll think or someone else is always going to think that I'm in it for the money."

"You're serious?"

"Yes I'm serious. This is not a joke to me Justin, even though I know you and Luke think that it is. I have no right dating a celebrity."

"Since when have I been a celebrity in your eyes? Last time I checked I was just Justin."

"You are just Justin to me. But to everyone else you're a celebrity and I'm a gold digger that's not good enough for you, and they're right. Well not about the gold digger part but I'm not good enough for you Justin."

"And when did you come to this conclusion may I ask?"

"I heard everything you and Luke said in the car. I know I should have told you I was awake but I didn't and everything you said just made me realize that you are even more amazing then I thought you were. You're everything a girl could ask for and more. You would do anything for me. If I said Justin come visit me you'd get on a plane and come, and I can't do that for you even though I want to and that's not fair to you. I realized it when we were standing out there talking to your parents, I don't know why but I did. I can't impress them no matter how hard I try, and you deserve to take someone home to your parents that you can show off and that they'll love. How can they love someone like me? Someone with no family, no money, no future. It's not fair for me to rely on you when you can't rely on me too. You deserve so much better then me Justin." She finally looked up at me and there were tears forming in her eyes. I could tell that she was trying so hard not to let them fall, so I immediately wiped them away before they were able to.

"I love you I don't know if you fully understand that. None of that other stuff matters to me. The money, the family, the fact that you can't just hop on a plane and see me, it doesn't matter. What matters to me is this," I said pointing to her heart, "and this," I pointed to her mouth. "All that matters to me is that you care, and that you want to do those things not if you can physically do them. What matters to me is that the smile on your face is always there. I love you for you, not because of the money you have or the material things that you own. I love you because you make me happy, you care about me, and you make me giddy. I love you because when I'm with you I feel complete, and because you have my best intentions at heart. I don't care that you're not a celebrity or that you don't know what you're going to do after you graduate. In fact I'm jealous that you get to go to college, and that you get to worry about what comes next. I never had that, my life was always planned out for me, not that I'm complaining but you get the point. You are here right now so that I CAN show you off to my parents. I want them to see how amazing you are and how happy you make me and I know for a fact that they will love you just like I do by the end of the day today. You are everything that I want, and everything that I need; there is no one in this whole world that is better for me then you. So stop with this I deserve better shit because it's a load of crap. I love you and only you, and will only love you for the rest of my life do you understand that?"

"I'm sorry, I know I'm acting crazy I'm just scared."

"I told you a million times I'm not going anywhere Marissa I really need you to believe me."

"I do...I believe you and I'm not scared of that at all. I'm just...I'm scared because I'm in love with you okay? I'm in love with you and I'm scared because I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to love someone again. Because by loving someone I let my guard down, and it's not safe to let my guard down. But I am in love with you, and this relationship is going to be harder then anything I could have ever imagined getting myself into, and I'm so scared I'm going to fail and I'm going to hurt you or myself. I'm just in love with you okay? This isn't how I wanted to tell you but it is what it is..."

I pulled her face to mine and put my lips on hers to stop her from talking. She wrapped her arms around my neck and wrapped her legs around my waist. She pulled away after a few minutes and put her head on my shoulder kissing my neck. She finally said it out loud to me. She scared shitless, and so am I, but I know we'll make this work because we love each other. "It doesn't matter to me what anyone else says Marissa. I don't care what my parent's think of you, what my friends think of you, my family, or the press. All that matters to me is what I think of you, and I love you. This relationship is between me and you and no one else. All that matters is you and me. You're scared, and so am I but this is going to work I give you my word."

"I love you so much Justin."

"I love you too baby don't you ever forget that okay?"

"I won't," she said before kissing me again. I started pushing her notebooks off of the bed when I heard a sniffle come from behind me. I turned around and looked at the entrance to the bedroom and saw my mother standing there with a tissue wiping the tears off of her face.

"Mama! What...what are you doing here?" Marissa jumped off of me the moment she heard me say my mothers name.

"Oh my God...Mrs. Harless I'm so sorry I didn't know you were there..."

"Oh sweetie please don't apologize, and please call me Lynn. I should be the one that's sorry. We were waiting in the lobby for you and when you didn't come out Lonnie gave me the spare key to come get you, and when I came in I heard you guys talking and...Oh dear that was just...that was emotional." She was wiping away tears and Marissa was staring at me panicked. I didn't know what to do, or what to say to either Marissa or my mother. "Oh sweetheart, I never thought you weren't good enough for Justin, please don't think that. I'm just over protective of him and I'm sorry. It's so obvious that you love him and he loves you; please don't think I hate you or that I'd ever come between you two. You are perfect for my son and I'm so happy for you to be a part of our family, oh gosh look at me I'm a mess." She walked over to the bed and threw her arms around Marissa. Her eyes never left mine and the look of shock on her face was priceless.

"Mama, you didn't think to let us know you were standing right there?" I asked.

"I'm sorry Justin, but that was just such a beautiful moment I couldn't interrupt it."

"It was suppose to be a private moment..."

"Shut up Justin," Marissa interrupted, "You mother likes me."

"I know that she likes you babe, but still that was something very private."

"Justin, your mother likes me that's all that matters right now." The look on her face was hilarious. She truly believed that my mother was never going to like her, and I couldn't help but laugh, which in turn made everyone else in the room laugh as well.

"You're right, that is all that matters right now," I said leaning in and kissing her cheek. "We'll be right down Mama, we've just got to change."

"Take your time kids, we'll meet you in the lobby," she said before giving Marissa and myself a kiss. "You two are just too cute!" she said walking out of the room. 

I looked at my girlfriend and we both just burst out laughing. "Did that just happen?"

"I think it did," she said with a huge smile on her face.

"Good thing I heard her sniffle because I was about to rip your clothes off."

"Bummer, I'm sure your mom was totally up for a show after that performance."

"That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life," I said with a cringe.

"Can I take a rain check for after dinner?"

"I don't know about that, I usually don't offer rain checks."

"But I love you," she said with a fake pout.

"Well in that case I guess I'll have to give you one."

"Thanks," she said as she kissed my nose and got off of the bed. "I'm going to change, wanna watch?"

"Yes, but if I do once those clothes come off new ones won't go back on." I heard her close the door to the bathroom and giggle.

"Hey Justin," she called from the bathroom.

"Yeah babe?"

"Your mom likes me," she said in a singsong voice.

"I told you she liked you, she probably likes you more then she likes me."

"Probably, but that's just because she can't sleep with you. If she could she'd like you way more."

"You are so fucking gross Marissa, so gross."

"But you love me."

"I do, I really fucking do."

We were eating an early dinner with his parents before his show tonight. After a small...okay a large hiccup when we first got to Miami and met his parents we were about to get our dessert. Dinner went better then I ever could have imagined and it was so nice to see Justin just relax and spend time with his family. His father and I talked about sports for a good half of dinner, and the other half was spent answering his mothers' questions. She was very protective of Justin, which I totally understand so I half expected her to grill me the entire time. At first the questions were easy to answer, where did I go to school, where did I work etc etc...Then they started getting a little tougher to answer. She asked about my family and what they thought of me dating Justin. I explained to her that I don't really have a relationship with my parents and that they didn't actually know that we were dating. They probably wouldn't even care if they did. Then she asked what my plans were for after college. It was a question that I knew was coming but was praying that it wouldn't. I told her that I wasn't really sure. I knew I wanted to move to LA since I'm majoring in Media that would be the place to look for a job, plus I hate snow so it would be perfect for me. I made sure I let them know that I had planned on moving before I even met Justin so that they didn't find it suspicious. The last question came just as my tiramisu was placed in front of me.

"What are your intentions with my son?" I choked on the sip of coffee I had just put in my mouth. Justin put his hand on my knee and gave his mother a dirty look. "What is so bad about that question?" she asked him. He didn't say anything just took my hand in his and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. Truthfully, I didn't know how to answer that question. Did she want to know what my intentions were for tonight? If so, do I tell her that I intend on taking her son back to our hotel room and ripping his clothes off so that we can have a quickie before he has to get to the venue? Or does she mean my intentions for the long term? And if that's the case do I tell her that every night I dream about me walking down the isle in a wedding gown into his waiting arms? Is it too soon to say that? I could feel three sets of eyes on me waiting for my answer.

"Well...that's a pretty involved question," I said picking up my napkin and wiping my mouth. "What are my intentions with your son? As you know from before I've fallen in love with your son. You've raised the perfect man, so thank you for that," I said with a laugh trying to ease my nerves. "This is as new to me as it is to you and to Justin. I've never dated a celebrity before so I don't want you to think that I'm a gold digger or want fame, I just want to love your son. I see past the musician and performer and I've gotten to know him for who he is, not what he does. He makes me happy, and I think that I make him happy as well. I intend on supporting him, and being there for him doing everything I can for him every step of the way. And if after dating for a while we realize that it's working, I have every intention of loving your son for the rest of my life." I don't know where I got those words from, and they all kind of came out like a jumbled mess but for the first time since I've known Justin I actually found the words to say what I feel.

No one said anything for what felt like an eternity. Justin squeezed my hand tighter and kissed my cheek while whispering an I love you in my ear. His parents looked at each other and his father put his arm around Lynn's shoulders and kissed her temple. I picked up my fork and dug into my dessert because I had no idea what else to do. I was so nervous that I said something wrong, why wasn't anyone speaking?

"I think our son has found himself a keeper," Paul finally said.

"I think so too," Lynn said putting her head on Paul's shoulder.

"Oh thank God," I said letting out a huge sigh of relief.

"Honey I told you I liked you back at the hotel I don't know what you were so worried about," Lynn said reaching across the table and putting her hand on top of mine.

"I don't either," I replied, "I guess just because you liked me doesn't mean you thought I was good enough for your son. I know how much he loves you and it was just really important that you guys approve because I would never want him to go against your wishes."

"I think you are perfect for my son Marissa. You make sure that you keep him in line and if there's any problems you can call me and I will put him in his place."

"I will, and thank you." I then put my hand up and called the waitress over, "Can I please get something with tequila in it?" I asked as the whole table erupted in laughter.

"Make it a round," Justin said, "I think we could all use it right now."

About 20 minutes later we all finished out drinks and dessert Justin was mid sentence when someone tapped him on his leg. He turned around and didn't see anyone until he looked down and there was a little girl that couldn't have been more then 4 years old standing next to him. 

"Excuse me but umm I listen to you on the radio and I see you on my TV. My mommy told me I couldn't come say hi but I come say hi while Mommy and Daddy don't watch me." Justin backed away from the table and squatted down in front of the little girl.

"Well thank you for listening to my music, but you probably shouldn't have left your Mommy and Daddy. What's your name?"

"My name is Madison Rose Dumaine, and I live in Miami Florida. What's your name?"

"My name is Justin Timberlake, it's nice to meet you Madison Rose Dumaine," he shook her tiny hand and I couldn't help but giggle a little bit at how cute this interaction was.

"Nice to meet you too Justin," she said wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a hug. Justin picked her up and placed her on his hip.

"So why don't you tell me where your Mommy and Daddy are so we can get you back to them."

"There's my Mommy!" she said pointing to a woman frantically searching for her child. "Mommy, I over here. Look who I found!" The woman ran over to our table, and Justin put his head down in hopes that the whole restaurant didn't see him standing there.

"Oh my gosh I am so sorry, I told her not to come over here. I took my eyes off of her for a second and she was gone. Madison do you have your listening ears on?" she asked taking the child out of Justin's arms.

"My mommy says you bringing sexyback," the little girl said looking at Justin. Her mothers' eyes bugged out of her head.

"MADISON!"

"It's okay," Justin said laughing, "it's always good to know I have fans. Would you like to take a picture Madison? And maybe your Mommy would like to get in it too," Justin asked.

"YES!" she screamed.

"Well I'll tell you what. Since you are quite possibly the cutest kid I've ever met in my life, I'm going to give you some tickets and backstage passes to my show tonight. Do you think you'll be able to make it?"

"Can we Mommy please?" she asked clapping her hands together.

"Thank you Justin, but we can't accept those. We've interrupted your dinner and have now probably blown your cover."

"No really, I insist. Mama," he said turning around to face Lynn, "Do you have those extras I gave you earlier?" Lynn handed him three tickets and backstage passes, and Justin gave them to the little girl. "So I'll see you tonight at the show? And then after you can come backstage and we can take our picture, how does that sound?"

"Sounds good to me!" she said.

"Great, but you've got to make a deal with me okay?"

"K."

"You've got to listen to your Mommy and Daddy and no more running away from them. I'm going to ask them tonight and if they tell me you didn't keep your end of the deal then no picture okay?"

"Okay I PROMISE!"

"Great! It was nice to meet you and I'll see you tonight!"

"Thanks again, and I'm so sorry about invading your dinner," the woman said.

"It's really not a problem, see you tonight." Justin waved before he sat back down next to me.

"That was probably the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life," I said.

"She was pretty cute huh? I wish every time someone came up to me at a restaurant it was like that. I don't mind when it's a little kid that doesn't know any better, or if I'm not eating. It's the people that just come up to me when I'm about to put a piece of food in my mouth that aggravate me. But now the issue is going to be getting out of this restaurant without getting swamped by cameras because I'm sure everyone that's in here now knows that it's me sitting here."

That thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I turned around and looked towards the entrance and I saw flashbulbs reflecting off of the windows. I loved Justin, but I wasn't ready for this. From where they were now there was no way they could get a clear shot of me, but once I walked out that door my face was going to plastered on magazines. I tensed up and thought about how now was the time my whole world was going to change. I thought about Amy and the backlash that she would get for lying for me, and how her life is going to be swarmed with questions. My mind was racing with possibilities of what might happen.

"It's okay babe, we'll go out the back door or something. Everything's going to be fine."

"There won't be people out there too? Justin I'm not ready for this."

"It's fine. I'm going to go pay the bill and get in the car. You go with my mom to the bathroom and I'll send another car around back for you. Don't worry okay, I've got it under control," he said with his hands on each side of my face. "I love you, I won't let anything happen to you."

"Okay," I said wanting so badly to kiss him but knew that I couldn't because there would be a picture of it all over the internet tomorrow.

"Come on sweetheart, let's get this show on the road," Lynn said while walking around the table and grabbing my hand. I looked at Justin pleading with him to make sure this wasn't going to be a problem.

"It'll be fine, just go," he said.

I got up and followed Lynn to the bathroom. I know that we're not going to be able to stay out of the public eye forever, but I'm just not prepared for it this soon especially since I'm going back to Boston tonight and I'll be left to deal with it by myself. We walked into the bathroom and there was a woman standing at the mirror fixing her hair and Lynn practically sprinted into the stall. I walked over to the empty sink and splashed some cold water on my face before pretending to fix my hair. Once the other woman left Lynn came out of the stall.

"Sorry sweetie, people recognize me now so I didn't want to take any chances."

"It's okay, that's what I figured," I said looking at myself in the mirror.

"You get use to it after a while," Lynn said while washing her hands.

"Use to what?"

"The cameras following you around everywhere you go. And after some time you won't even hear them shouting at you. You just can't pay attention to what they say, because if you do you'll go insane. They'll call you fat and say you're not good enough for him, or that you're just the flavor of the year. Ridiculous things like that, but if you pay attention to it and hear it so many times you'll start to believe it. So don't even listen to them, just tune them right out."

"Do they follow you too?" I asked.

"If I'm in LA or New York they do, it's just something that comes with the package. It's annoying, but you'll get use to it."

"It's just that...I have my life you know? I have to go to class and work everyday and I know they're going to follow me which is fine because I'm making the choice to date Justin and everything that comes along with him, but I just don't want them to hound my friends and co-workers, and I especially don't want them to go to my house or anything and talk to my parents because that would just end badly. I don't want to hurt Justin's career either. What if I do something wrong? Or say something that I wasn't suppose to? I just don't want to mess up his life and everything he's worked for, he's worked his whole life for what he has and one little thing I might do could mess it up and that's just so much pressure."

"You can't look at it that way. Just live your life as you would normally and don't add any fuel to the fire. It gets crazy, they scream and yell and sometimes it's hard to walk with all the flashes going off in your face, but you've just got to push your way through and live your life. There is no point in changing your everyday activities for them, and there is no way you'd hurt Justin's career. His fans love him, and whether there's a picture of you or not they're still going to buy his albums and go to his shows. You just have to be strong and be able to handle derogatory things being screamed at you and not let it bother you, and like I said, after a while you won't even hear them anymore."

"Well, I guess when you put it like that..." I felt my cell phone vibrating in my bag. I took it out and saw a new text message from Justin.

"Paparazzi everywhere...tell my Mom to go out the back and you go out front and hail a cab, they won't suspect anything. Meet you back at the hotel. I'm really sorry Ris." 

I told Lynn what the text said and told myself repeatedly that everything would be okay. I really didn't want to do this alone, but I knew it was the only way to get out unnoticed. Lynn gave me a hug and reassured me that everything would work out perfectly and that Justin wouldn't put me in this position if he thought something would go wrong. We walked out of the bathroom, she turned right and I turned left with my heart beating out of my chest. It felt like it took years to make it to the front door, and after thanking the hostess I pushed through the door praying over and over again that I wouldn't see a flashbulb go off. I knew if I looked nervous I'd blow my cover so I walked out with my head held high and a smile on my face. There were about 15 paparazzi standing there and I heard them whispering to each other asking if I was someone famous. I saw a few of them shake their heads and go back to setting up their cameras for the next person to walk out. I threw my hand up and hailed a cab and just as I was about to open the door I felt a tap on my shoulder. I froze. My first instinct was to turn around, but I was no longer let my first instinct take over immediately. When I felt another tap on my shoulder though I knew I had to turn around. I turned my head and there was an older man with grey hair and a beard standing behind me that I didn't recognize. This could only lead to disaster.

"Hi," I said.

"Hey, could you spare me a couple dollars so that I can get a cab home? My car broke down and it's going to take forever for AAA to come, and my daughter is home sick."

"Umm...sure," I replied looking around to make sure this wasn't a setup. I opened the cab door, sat down in the back seat and started rummaging through my bag. All I could find was a $20, but at that point I didn't care because I just wanted to get out of there. "Here you go, I hope your daughter feels better," I said.

"Oh no Miss, I can't take this from you this is too much."

"No please, just take it really."

"Thank you so much. Can I get your name and address so I can repay you?"

"You don't need to repay me really, go get home to your daughter."

"Thank you, you have no idea what this means..."

"No problem," I said closing the cab door and sighing heavily. "Newport Vista Villages please," I said to the cab driver before leaning my head on the window, closing my eyes and thanking God I got out of that one untouched. I felt my phone vibrating and search for it blindly in my bag not wanting to open my eyes. "Hello?"

"Marissa?"

"Yes, who's calling?"

"It's your mother, where are you?"

"Mom what's wrong?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm in Florida what's wrong?"

"What are you doing in Florida?"

"It doesn't matter, tell me what's wrong."

"It's your cousin Frankie."

"What's the matter? What's wrong did it come back?"

"He got a cold, and since he has basically no immune system he wasn't able to fight it."

"What do you mean wasn't able to fight it Mom? Did they put him on a ventilator or something?"

"Marissa, he's gone. He passed last night."

"I have to go, I'll be home either tonight or first thing in the morning."

"Marissa you don't have to stop your life for this."

"HE WAS MY COUSIN and one of my best friends, and you don't want me to come home? I know that you guys don't want to see me, but I want to see him okay. I'll get a hotel or something I'm not asking to stay at your house, but I WILL stop my life for this. I'll see you in a couple of days," I said hitting the end button and staring aimlessly at the headrest in front of me. About 5 minutes later we pulled up to the hotel, I paid the driver and walked through the halls of the hotel in a daze. I opened the door to our room and heard Justin in the shower. I started packing everything I had just unpacked and put my suitcase by the door. The first flight back to Boston didn't leave until 10:00, so I sat on the bed just staring trying to figure out how and why he was gone. I heard Justin say my name, but I couldn't answer him, I was completely numb. There were no tears, nothing just utter shock.

"I have to go home," I heard myself say finally.

"What do you mean you have to go home? What happened did they take your picture?" he asked now sitting next to me on the bed.

"He's gone." That's all I could say, over and over again, "he's gone." I could hear Justin's voice but I wasn't listening to what he was saying. I couldn't focus, it was becoming hard to breathe, "he's gone." The next thing I knew I heard Luke's voice, and I could hear what they were saying but I couldn't respond to them.

"She just keeps saying 'he's gone'," Justin said.

"Who is he?"

"I don't know that's all she's saying it's like she's in another world or something. I got out of the shower and she was just sitting on the bed staring off into space." I felt the bed move, and I could feel arms wrapped around my neck and fingers interlaced with mine. They were both on either side of me.

"Marissa who's gone?" Luke asked.

"He's gone."

"Sweetie, you have to tell us who or we can't help you, who's gone?"

"He fought so hard, and he was in remission and now he's gone. Just like that he's gone."

"Her phone says that her Mom called her," Justin said to Luke.

"Marissa, who is gone?" he asked again. I just shook my head and I could now feel tears starting to form in my eyes. "Marissa, was it Frankie?" I nodded as the first of the tears started to fall. I felt Justin squeeze my hand and place a kiss on my temple, and Luke wrapped me up in a hug. I put my free hand on his back and sobbed into his shoulder. They both let me cry and didn't say a word. After calming down enough to blow my nose Luke backed away and asked me what happened.

"He got a cold, and he couldn't fight it," I said through sniffles.

"He died from a cold?" Justin asked.

"He had leukemia for over a year, and about 6 months ago he went into remission," I explained still not able to look at him. "Because of all the chemo, and the bone marrow transplant he basically had no immune system to fight off even a common cold. He died last night." No one said anything. We all kind of sat there in silence for a little while. "He had just gone back to school, we were suppose to graduate together, and now he's gone. How can he be gone? He's twenty three fucking years old," I said now screaming. I got off of the bed and attempted to make it to the bathroom but fell to the floor about half way there. Justin ran over to me, wrapped his arms around me and let me cry like a little baby in his arms. In between sobs I could hear Luke explaining everything to Justin.

"Frankie is...was her cousin. He was the only person in her family that she was really close to. They went to the same school, majored in the same thing and had plans to move out to LA together after she graduated. Two years ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia, he did all the Chemo even had a bone marrow transplant and was basically confined to his house for about a year. Six months ago he was told he was in remission and that he could go back to school and do normal everyday things again. Since he had to take some time off they were set to graduate together. Damn...he was only 23. He was the funniest dude too, and he had such a huge heart. I can't believe it," he said in a shaky voice.

I fell asleep in Justin's arms on the floor of a hotel room. The next thing I knew I was waking up in our bed with my head on his beating chest. I could feel his breath on the top of my head, and his arms were holding me tightly against him. I didn't move because if I did, that would make it all real again. If I just stayed where I was maybe I could stay like this forever. A few minutes later the alarm on Justin's phone went off, and I was forced to move as he reached to turn it off. He rolled back over to me and began to rub my back while placing small kisses on the top of my head.

"I can't come to the show tonight," I said softly.

"And why is that?"

"I just have a lot to do. I have to book a flight, call my school and try and reschedule my finals. I have to book a hotel because from the way my mother was talking I'm not really welcome to stay at their house, and I have to make a few phone calls."

"It's all done."

"What's done?"

"Everything you just said is done. I called your school and rescheduled your finals for the end of the week, they obviously knew about Frankie and understood. I booked a hotel right near the funeral home and church for Monday through Wednesday, and I booked a private plane for us for right after the show."

"Thank you Justin," I said breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't have to do anything of that. Then I realized the last thing he said, "wait for us?"

"Yes, for me, you and Luke. I have to do my meet and greet right after the show, but we'll leave right from there and fly to Boston."

"Justin it's your last week of shows."

"They've been rescheduled already. I need to be with you this week, and everyone understands that."

Normally I would have yelled at him and told him that he was crazy, but I needed to be selfish. And selfishly, I needed him with me. This is not the way I wanted him to meet my friends and family, and this certainly wasn't the way I wanted it to be made public that we were dating, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to get through this without him. "I love you," was all I could say. He laid with me for a few more minutes before he had to get up and go to the venue. I told him I'd try my best to go to the show and thanked him a thousand times for everything.

"I know this is hard," he said placing a kiss on my mouth, "but you're strong and you'll get through this. I'm here for you for whatever you need okay? I love you."

About an hour later I woke up to Luke telling me it was time to go. I decided that sitting in this room and crying all night wasn't going to bring Frankie back, and I needed to be surrounded by people who loved me to help me get through this. I changed my clothes and freshened up while I heard Luke talking on the phone in the living room. When I walked out he got off the phone quickly, put his arm around my shoulders and lead me out into a waiting car. We got to the venue fairly quickly and we walked in through the back door. I tried to put on a happy face, but my puffy eyes were an indication that my smile might just be a lie. We walked into Justin's dressing room and Lynn immediately got up and gave me a hug followed by Paul, Rachel and Trace. I felt a little bit better being surrounded by people that I knew cared and I was looking forward to getting my mind off of it by enjoying the show. Justin walked into his dressing room followed by his band and dancers dressed and ready to start the show. He walked straight over to me and gave me a big bear hug picking me up so that me feet were no longer on the floor, and planted a kiss on my mouth.

"I'm glad you came," he said after putting me down.

"Me too," I replied, "Good luck out there."

"Thanks babe. And I want you to enjoy yourself okay?" he asked while slapping my ass playfully.

"Justin!" I laughed, surprised that he would do such a thing in front of everyone.

"Sorry, I just had to see you smile," he said.

"You're a freak, but I love you."

We all gathered around in a circle and held hands to pray before the show. I had Justin on one side of me and Luke on the other. I looked around at all of the faces in the circle and realized that this was my new family. What started out as a day where I thought I wouldn't be accepted, turned into the day that I realized I was no longer alone in this world.

"Dear God," Justin started, "We want to thank you for bringing us all here today, and we pray for our friends and family that they stay safe and healthy. Help us to perform to the best of our abilities, and put on a great show for the fans. We pray especially for Marissa tonight while she goes through a hard time with the loss of her cousin Frankie. Watch over us tonight Frankie, this one is for you. Amen." Everyone said Amen and started to disperse and Justin leaned down to give me a kiss.

"Thank you baby," I said.

"I love you. Enjoy yourself okay?"

"I will," I said letting go of his hand and watching him run towards the stage.

We made our way to our seats, and I was able to enjoy myself for the most part. Lynn, Trace and Luke kept asking me how I was doing and I would randomly receive hugs from all of them. I couldn't help buy smile watching Justin perform, and I was able to take my mind off of everything for two hours. He kept "Something Like You" in the set and Luke informed me that it was so cheesy he was going to vomit while Lynn was crying on Paul's shoulder and holding my hand. Justin came back out for his encore and sang "Another Song" but he stayed seated right after he was done. His band went backstage, and it was just him and the piano.

"Just recently I realized how precious life really is," he started. "Sometimes we take the people that mean the most to us for granted, and we don't realize it until it's too late. So tonight when you go home make sure you tell those people how much you love them, because for some people they never get the chance to actually do that until they can't anymore. This one goes out to anyone who's lost someone that they loved. This one is for you Frankie."

Lynn put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, and when I looked around there really wasn't a dry eye around me. I felt hands on my back and kisses being placed on my forehead and cheeks. I held Luke's hand and kept my eyes only on Justin. The room fell silent and he started playing the first song that came into my head the moment my mother told me he was gone, and suddenly I was at peace.

I never thought you were a fair-weather friend

You never let me down, you're true to the end
For in the darkest hour, when all was lost
Somehow you left the light on
You faced the wrong and showed the world a thing or two
Stood up for me, for you
And you should know

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it ain't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you've changed all our lives
Someday you'll see if only through heaven's eyes

I still remember the things that you said
I keep your words alive I could never forget
Cause in the final hour you made me proud
So proud that I could know you
You told the world its time that they believed in you
You stood for right and truth
And you should know

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it ain't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you've changed all our lives
Someday you'll see if only through heaven's eyes

Only through heaven's eyes ...

And so we can't forget
We've got to keep remembering them all
The ones who took the fall
They did it for us all
And we should learn from it

The show in Miami was one of the best shows I've had throughout this entire tour. Everything went off without a hitch, no mistakes were made and my voice was better then it has been in a while. Maybe it was because my family was there, or because for the first time since she got the news, Marissa had a smile on her face. But honestly, I think it was because there was someone there watching over me, helping me do my best for her. After the show I did my meet and greet and got to talk to the little girl I met at the restaurant earlier in the day. She was honestly the cutest kid I've ever met in my life. By the end of the night we were all calling her Miss Sassy Pants. Marissa really enjoyed playing with her, and it was good to see her laughing after the day that she had had. I've never been one to actually want kids, but this little girl, and the way Marissa was interacting with her got me thinking about it just a little bit.

I had a car waiting for us to take us to the airport right after the show. I packed my bag up before I left for rehearsal and took her bag that was sitting at the door along with mine with us to the venue. As soon as all the fans left I got into the shower while Marissa, Luke and my parents packed up the car. I knew these next couple of days were going to really cement if this relationship was going to work. This was going to be an extremely difficult couple of days for her, not only due to the death of her cousin who she was really close with, but being surrounded by her family members that make her feel like shit. She adored most of her extended family, but because her immediate family practically abandoned her she doesn't get to see them too often, and even though she's always happy to see them, these are not the circumstances she had hoped for. On top of all of that, I was 99.9% certain that our relationship was bound to hit the media waves because of this. I know that I don't have to go with her, but I need to go with her. She needs me, and I will be there to support her no matter what. I could never let her go through this alone. If I wasn't with her I wouldn't even be able to do anything productive because I'd be worried the whole time. I couldn't stand to see her upset, but I knew that there wasn't much I could do about that now except be there to support her and have a shoulder ready for her to cry on.

When I walked outside to the car I saw everyone huddled around her. What started off as a weekend where she thought everyone hated her, turned into a weekend of people falling in love with her. It was good to see her attempting to smile while people tried to cheer her up. When she looked up and saw me though the smile was wiped right off of her face. She knew it was time to face something that she never wanted to face this soon and she was scared. I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head, holding her tightly against me to let her know that I wasn't going anywhere. We said our goodbyes to my parents, and my mother just couldn't stop crying as she was hugging Marissa.

"Hold it together Mama," I said. "You're not making it any easier for her."

"I know, I know I'm sorry," she said sniffling in an attempt to stop crying, "You call if you need anything okay dear?" she said to Marissa.

"I will, thank you for everything," she replied.

I was my mother's next victim. She came over, threw her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. "You take care of her Justin, she needs you. And if anything gets out of hand with the media we'll take care of it okay?"

"You know I will Mama, and thank you," I said squeezing her tight before letting her go. She went over to my father after giving Marissa another hug, and we waved goodbye to them as we pulled away. Marissa asked the driver to put the radio on, and then put her head on my shoulder and held onto my hand for dear life. I knew she didn't want to talk. Music was her stress reliever, it kept her sane. Luke put his hand on her shoulder and she grabbed it with her free hand. We drove the whole way to the airport like that. After a few songs I could hear her humming along, I just rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb and prayed to God that these next three days would be easier then I imagined, for me and for her. Because all I could imagine was disaster.

***

We landed at Logan International Airport at 1:30am. Luke had called Amy before we took off to let her know what happened and that we'd be stopping by to get some of her stuff. The plane ride was quite. Marissa had her IPod on the whole way, and Luke was responding to E-Mails most of the time. For the first time in a long time I didn't really know what to expect when I got off of the plane. I always had a schedule to stick by, and people telling me where I needed to be and when. But this time, I threw that schedule down the drain and made it Marissa time.

Eric met us at the arrivals gate when we landed and drove us to Marissa's dorm. I went to get out of the car to help her get her stuff, but she told me to stay and that Luke would help her. She knew that our relationship was going to be outed to the media, but she wasn't ready for it just yet, I could just tell. She wasn't gone very long but she came back with one extra person in tow. I saw a tall skinny blonde walking behind her and I could only assume it was Amy. Marissa stuck her head in the door,

"Hey Amy wants to meet you is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay," I said sliding out.

"No, stay in the car I don't want to risk someone seeing you," she said turning around and motioning for Amy. I didn't mind meeting her friend but I knew it was the last thing she wanted to be doing right now. Amy probably asked her and she didn't have the heart to say no. Marissa got in on the other side of the car while Amy slid in next to me and Luke put Marissa's bags in the trunk.

"Hey Amy, it's really nice to meet you," I said extending my arms out for a hug, "Marissa's told me a lot about you."

"It's so nice to meet you too Justin," she responded with a huge smile on her face, "this is just so exciting. I never thought I'd get the chance to meet THE Justin Timberlake."

I chuckled a little and put my arm around Marissa who was staring off into space, "I just wish it wasn't under these circumstances," I said placing a small kiss on her head.

"Oh I know isn't it just awful. Luke called and I was floored, I mean he was just so young you know? It's even sadder when it happens like that. I couldn't imagine dying so young, I mean for me that would be in two years I just have so much life to live..."

"I know," I interrupted her because this was the last thing Marissa needed to be listening to. I knew she was just rambling because she was excited, and normally I'd let someone do that but now wasn't the time or the place. "It was really nice to meet you Amy, it's been a really long day for us so I think we're going to head to the hotel but we'll see you tomorrow?"

"Right, yeah of course. See you guys tomorrow." She got out of the car and walked over to open window where Marissa was sitting. "I'm really sorry Maris, call me if you need anything okay? I'll see you tomorrow...Take care of her Justin," she said while hugging her through the window.

"Thanks Am, see you tomorrow," she replied while rolling up her window. "To the hotel," she said trying to sound chipper. I pulled her close to me and I could feel her heart beating out of her chest. From her sniffles I could tell that she wanted to cry but was doing everything in her power to not let it happen. I looked back at Luke and he had a look of pure worry on his face. We pulled up to the Liberty Hotel, and Luke unloaded our bags while I checked us in. Marissa was walking beside me with her hand clenched to mine in a daze. Once we got to our room she let go of my hand and walked straight to the bathroom, Luke was following close behind us and set our bags down in the bedroom.

"She's in a totally different world," I said to him plopping down on the bed.

"This is how she deals with things. She completely closes herself off to the world, doesn't say a word just thinks about it over and over and over again and tries to figure out what she could have done differently when in reality she couldn't do anything."

"I just feel so helpless you know? I want to help her, but I don't know how. Plus the fact that I haven't really known her that long so I don't know what to do in these situations yet."

"Honestly, you're doing everything you can. You're keeping her calm. Usually she's all over the place, crying and not talking to anyone. At least she's responsive to you. And no matter what you tell her, she won't realize that she did everything she could and that it's not her fault."

"Of course it's not her fault, it's not like she gave him leukemia."

"No, but it didn't work."

"What didn't work?"

"She didn't tell you did she?" he said sighing and sitting down on the chair.

"Tell me what?"

"She was his bone marrow donor," he said now looking at me. My jaw dropped to the floor. There was so much about her that I still didn't know about, but with everything I found out I realized just how special she really is. I didn't know much about bone marrow transplants but the one thing that I did know was that it hurt like hell and that it was hard to move without feeling pain for up to three months after.

"I...I can't believe she didn't tell me. What she did was amazing and so selfless. She never tells me the good stuff."

"She never tells you the good stuff because she's been made to believe her whole life that she's a failure. And in her mind she failed again, because he died."

"But he didn't die because of that. I mean he was in remission right? It must have worked."

"It did work. And he lived for another year and a half because of it. But that's not what she'll focus on. She'll say it wasn't good enough, or she ate something she wasn't supposed to before the procedure that messed it up, or that she healed too quickly for it to work or something like that. She's not a negative person she's just been made to believe that she can't do anything right."

Just then I heard Marissa throwing up in the bathroom. I jumped off the bed and threw the door open kneeling down at her side. I grabbed her hair with one hand and rubbed her back with the other. I looked up at the door and Luke was standing in the doorway. "You got this one?" he asked almost in a whisper.

"Yeah," I said, "I'll give you a call if I need help. Thanks man." he nodded and I watched him turn away. Marissa threw up four more times before she placed her cheek on the side of the toilet and closed her eyes. I reached behind me and grabbed a towel off of the rack and began to wipe her face down. She was sweating and breathing heavy. I threw the towel to the side, picked her up and put her into bed. She curled up in a ball as I laid down on the other side of the bed. "You okay?" I asked. She nodded her head yes. "And you know that I love you?" I said brushing her hair away from her eyes. She nodded again. "You did everything you possibly could Marissa, you were so brave. There wasn't anything left that you could have done to save him."

"You think I'm brave? You honestly think I'm the brave one here? Leukemia Justin. He had round after round of chemo. He was practically cut off from the world for an entire year because if anyone went near him and got him sick he'd die, and for what? Just to die anyway? And I'm the brave one. Why? Because Luke made me out to be the hero because I donated bone marrow to my cousin so that he could live? Look what that did for him, he'd dead Justin. DEAD!"

"But he got to live for a whole other year. Without you he wouldn't have done that babe. Give yourself some credit here; what you did was an amazing thing that most people wouldn't even think of doing. You gave him an extra year of life. You let him see his friends and family, and go back to school. You allowed him to live Marissa, without you he would have died cooped up in his bedroom alone, but because of you he got to live his last year of life to the fullest. I know this is hard, believe me I do but stop beating yourself up."

"HE'S GONE JUSTIN. And you want me to be fucking proud of myself for what I did? He is gone...GONE. He died while I was having the time of my life in Florida. I should have been here, what if they needed more bone marrow I could have given it to them but no, I was selfishly frolicking around in Miami with my celebrity boyfriend that will probably be in my life for a year tops before he leaves me too." She was crying now. Shaking and crying. I knew she probably didn't mean what she just said, but it still stung a little bit. She was sobbing on my shoulder and I had no clue what to do or say. I shouldn't feel hurt but I did, and I didn't know how to make my pain or her pain go away.

"I'm not going anywhere," was all I could come up with to say.

"That's not true Justin, everyone fucking leaves."

"SHUT UP," I heard someone say from the doorway. I turned my head and saw Luke standing there. "Marissa I love you, and I'm sorry the Frankie is gone, I loved him just as much as you did. But you need to shut up and look around. I know that your parents made you feel like a failure your entire life and between them and Brandon they made you believe that not only were you a failure but that no one would ever love you and stand by you but open your damn eyes," he started walking towards her and kneeled down on the bed in front of her, "Marissa, I've been around for seven years and I'm not going anywhere. You are my best friend can't you see that? And next to you is your fucking boyfriend that cares so much about you. He postponed his tour for you. He's here in your hometown going to a wake and funeral of someone he didn't even know for you. He's meeting your family and friends for you. He just held your fucking hair up while you puked your brains up for you. He's in love with you, he's not going anywhere and everyone can see that but you. Things have changed Maris," he said picking up her hands, "People care about you. They care so much and it kills us to see you like this. I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad, you should be. But stop putting everything on yourself; you have to stop looking at the glass as half empty. There was absolutely nothing left for you to do. No bone marrow was going to make him live longer, you being here and holding his hand wouldn't have made him live any longer either. Frankie would have wanted you to be with Justin sweetie. He wanted to see you happy. He's wanted to see the smile that Justin puts on your face for years. He's not in pain anymore Marissa, and he'll always be with you. You have to stop, open your eyes and look around. This is hard, yes, but everything else around you is getting better. Accept it, be happy about it. Justin isn't going anywhere, and I'm here for you always. He loves you for real, get that through your head and realize that you've got someone so great beside you and appreciate it."

The room went silent. She looked down at her hands that were still in Lukes'. After a few minutes Luke got up off the bed and apologized for bursting in, but he had left one of his bags in our room. He was about to walk out when Marissa let out an I'm sorry so softly it was almost impossible to hear. "No one is asking you to be sorry," Luke said, "We're just asking you to be happy," and with that he turned around and walked out of the room. We just sat for about 10 minutes, neither one of us saying a word. I was about to get up when she turned around and sat directly in front of me.

"I'm sorry about what I said before..."

"Babe, it's okay you were upset," I cut her off.

"No, it's not okay. Upset or not I shouldn't have said what I did to you. Luke was right, Frankie would have wanted me to be with you, and I do need to open my eyes. You are the greatest thing that has ever come into my life, and I should treat you like that, and I haven't been. Thank you for everything Justin, I honestly don't know where I'd be right now without you in my life, and I'm sorry for everything. I made you feel like shit I could tell from the look on your face before, I'm really sorry."

"I know you are, and I accept your apology," I said pulling her into a hug. "I love you and I'm not going anywhere I promise you. I know this is really hard for you but I'm here every step of the way as long as you want me to be."

"This is really hard, but it's a little bit easier having you with me. I know you're not going anywhere I really and truly do, and I appreciate you, and I love you so much Justin," she said nuzzling her head on my shoulder before pulling me down on the pillows with her.

"I'm going to go change then come back and sleep with you. It's been a long day, and tomorrow will probably be even longer."

"Okay," she said letting me get out of bed. I went into the bathroom and cleaned up a little bit. I knew housekeeping would be here in the morning but I couldn't leave this for them to clean. After washing the toilet as best I could, I changed into a pair of boxers grabbed a bottle of water and slipped into bed with my sleeping girlfriend next to me. What Luke said, even though it sounded harsh was exactly what she needed to hear. I could tell just by talking to her for five minutes after that she was going to have a brand new outlook on life. She was turning the page, starting a new chapter. I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't seem to stop humming a melody in my head. Mentally I started writing a song.

When I was younger never went to far
Held my feelings and never even wanted to start
So when I met you, I didn't know
What you were gonna do with my heart

It was all coming to me so fast, and I knew I had to write it down. I rolled over looking for a piece of paper and a pen but there was nothing there. I grabbed my cell phone that was sitting on the end table, got out of bed and walked into the living room stopping right outside the bedroom door. I called my house in LA leaving myself a message singing the song as softly as possible so that I wouldn't wake her up.

When you talk I cling on every word you say
When you move, just like a breeze on a summer day

When you smile, the sky turns from grey to blue, that's what you do

And your the kind of girl I think of
And your the kind of girl I dream about
My heart is telling me that I need you in my world (in my world)
Cause you my kind of lady, your my kind of girl

When I'm not with you, where ever you are
Baby I'm counting the moments till I'm back in your arms
All I want is to have you here with me
Every night and every day

"Justin...?"

"Yeah baby?" I jumped hitting the end button as soon as I heard her.

"I was just making sure you were still here."

"I'm here," I said climbing back into bed and kissing her softly on the lips, "I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want to fall asleep because then tomorrow will come and I'll have to say goodbye."

"I know baby. I wish I could take the pain away from you."

"I can't believe he's gone."

"He's in a better place now though."

"Yeah...he hated your music," she said with a chuckle, "but he would have loved you."

"You think?"

"Mmmhmm...You make me happy, that's all he ever wanted for me. Not to mention you guys would have talked sports for days at a time. He was such an amazing person Justin, I wish you could have met him."

"Me too baby."

"Do you think the media will find out?" she asked kissing my chest.

"Probably, but we'll be fine I don't want you worrying about that."

"I love you Justin."

"I love you too Ris."

I knew our relationship was about to go public, and I've mentally prepared myself for it. I've told Justin everything so he won't be shocked when reports of my past surface. Amy knows about Justin and we've talked about what might happen when all hell breaks loose and she's promised to stand by me 100%. My family was about to find out that we're dating, and I'm sure they'll have a field day doing interviews and making a profit off there daughter that they never cared about until she could make them money. The last place I needed to tell before it got out was work but there was one small problem, okay maybe two small problems. The first was that I worked for a radio station and I knew once I told them I would be hounded by them to get interviews with Justin, and subsequently be asked to do interviews for them. They would do anything to have breaking news, or an in to boost ratings. The second problem was that my immediate boss who works under Jacqui was Frankie's best friend. How could I break this to him and make him deal with a media storm at a time like this? I had planned on telling Jacqui today, but I know she's going to tell me that I have to tell Jason and I just don't want to do this to him.

Justin let me stay in bed. I wasn't sure what time it was exactly, but I knew it was late enough for sun to be shining in my eyes preventing me from going back to sleep. I could hear Justin on the phone talking to who I could only assume was Johnny about handling the media when they caught sight of him and I together. I heard words like Press Release, and Public Statements all to which ended with Justin saying he wasn't announcing his personal life on national television. Justin ended the phone call stating that he will be unavailable to accept calls until Thursday morning and that Johnny should deal with the situation as it comes, because "that's what you're paid to do." Soon after he got off the phone I heard pans being put on the counter and one big crash that sounded like an entire cabinet of pans had fallen on the floor. This led me to believe that Justin was attempting to cook, which meant it was time for me to get out of bed before the hotel burned to the ground. I threw on one of Justin's sweatshirts that was lying on top of his opened suitcase and walked towards the kitchen. He was on the floor attempting to pick up what looked to be at least 20 pans off the floor and had his right index finger in his mouth.

"You having some trouble out here?" I asked bending down to help him pick up the pans.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you I was just trying to cook us some breakfast."

"Trying being the key word," I chuckled. "I was up anyway, and do you have some sort of finger sucking fetish I don't know about?"

"No," he replied taking his finger out of his mouth and examining it, "I burnt my damn finger on the stove." He put his hand in front of my face and his finger was swollen and beat red.

"Jesus Christ Justin, did you run it under cold water or anything?" I asked getting up and running over to the sink holding his finger.

"No, I just stuck it in my mouth and attempted to pick up these pans."

"I think your finger turning all shades of red should trump the pans on the floor babe," I said turning the water on freezing cold and sticking his finger under it.

"HOLY SHIT," he pulled his hand back and covered his finger with his left hand.

"Justin, leave it under the water or you're going to blister."

"But it hurts!"

"Are you 2?

"No"

"Then I think you can handle it. Leave your finger under here while I go get a first aid kit." I took about 10 steps and turned around to see Justin's finger out of the water and back in his mouth. "JUSTIN, you are a child. Put your finger back under the water." After searching the entire suite I finally found a first aid kit behind the toilet in the bathroom. Some place for a first aid kit. I walked back out into the kitchen and searched through the kit for burn ointment, which was obviously located on the bottom because why would anything be easily accessible for me today. I opened the package and squirted the gel out onto a Q-Tip. I dried his finger off with a paper towel and started putting the ointment on it. After about 10 minutes of Justin squirming and 100 oooo's and ahhh's later I was finally able to wrap his finger in gauze and hold it down with a few band-aids. "There. Now don't touch it, and I will go make breakfast for us while you clean up the rest of the pans," I said.

"Thanks babe," he replied kissing my nose and backing away with that smirk on his face that made me want to rip his clothes off. I walked over to the fridge and noticed it was completely stocked, something I still wasn't use to in a hotel room. I pulled out four eggs, some bacon and sausages before throwing some toast in the toaster oven. I turned around not a minute later to see Justin pulling the band-aids off and looking at his wound.

"JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!"

"What?" he jumped knowing he got caught.

"Leave it alone! Don't make me tie your arms together behind your back."

"Sounds kinky," he said wrapping the band-aid around his finger again.

"Believe me, it won't be nearly as kinky as it sounds," I replied turning back to the stove. No sooner did I throw the eggs in the pan, my cell phone started ringing. "Watch these eggs," I said running to the bedroom to grab my phone, "and don't burn yourself." My phone was flashing on the nightstand and I looked down at the caller ID quickly before answering "Nicole".

"Hello?"

"Hey Ris are you still in Florida?"

"No, I'm home. How did you know I was in Florida?"

"I talked to Mom. She said you weren't coming home for the wake and funeral."

"Correction," I said walking back into the kitchen, "Mom told me not to stop my life and stay in Florida, so that was wishful thinking on her part."

"Oh well then I'll see you tonight then?" my sister asked.

"Yeah, I'll be there with Justin," I put my hand over my mouth just as the words came out of my mouth. I couldn't believe I let that slip.

"Justin who?" she asked.

"Uhh...Justin...my boyfriend?" It came out as a question rather then a statement. I waited for a response while elbowing Justin in the side and taking the spatula out of his hand. He was having way to much fun with the scrambled eggs.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend, why didn't you tell me?"

"It's kind of complicated. I'll explain later," I said turning the gas off on the stove and scooping the eggs out onto two plates. Justin was singing loudly next to me buttering his toast and pouring us both some orange juice.

"Who the hell is singing?" she asked.

"That would be Justin."

"A singer huh? Trying to fulfill your fantasy of dating Justin Timberlake?" she asked laughing.

"Something like that," I replied looking up at Justin realizing again how ironic this all really is. "I'll see you tonight. Bye." I hit the end button and sat down at the table across from Justin.

"You're sister?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied with my mouth full of toast.

"You are so classy," he said laughing and reaching across the table to wipe crumbs off my mouth.

"Thanks, I try," I said trying not to spit the rest of my food out from laughing so hard.

"You know what I was thinking?" he asked wiping his own mouth now.

"That you want nothing to do with the next two days and the thought of meeting my family makes you want to shoot yourself square in the head?"

"Not...quite. In fact I'm looking forward to meeting your family, at least the ones that you like. What I was actually thinking is that you would make a great Mom," he said with a dead serious face and I practically spit my juice out.

"You're kidding right? That was a joke?" he shook his head. "You're serious." I took a minute to let what he said register in my brain. "I've already told you that I don't want kids. I think I would do more harm then good with them. I would certainly mess them up somehow; I can't even take care of myself let alone a baby. Plus you said you didn't want kids either."

"You wouldn't mess them up, and you can take care of yourself. That's exactly what you've been doing for years, and maybe I'm reconsidering."

"What made you come to this conclusion anyway?" I asked.

"I don't know. Seeing you interact with Madison yesterday I guess. You just had a sparkle in your eye and a huge smile on your face, not to mention she loved you. Then this morning you turned on Mommy Mode with my finger, and you're just a caring person. I mean everything you did for your cousin and wanting to protect your friends from the media and stuff."

"I think you've got a few screws loose Mr. Timberlake. I have zero experience with children, that could only lead to disaster."

"We'll see about that," he said scraping his plate clean with his fork.

"Oh really? Do you have big plans to impregnate me?"

"Not yet," he said with a laugh getting up to put his dish in the sink, "but at some point." All I could do was roll my eyes. There was no way I was having children. I basically had no upbringing myself how the hell was I suppose to know what to do with a kid of my own. Just as I was imagining screwing up my own child, my phone rang again. "CHANGE THAT FUCKING RINGTONE!" was yelled at me from the bedroom. I looked down and saw "Jen" flashing on the screen. I still hadn't told her about Justin, but now was as good a time as any.

***

Three hours later I was walking out of my office after just telling Jacqui about Justin. Much to my surprise she said she would handle everything rather then burden Jason with it under the circumstances. She did however ask for an interview from Justin and from me, both to which I declined and asked to keep my personal life separate from my professional life. For the time being she's accepting my wishes. I told Jen too, and I think I lost some of my hearing due to the screams of excitement that came from her mouth. I was now on my way back to the hotel to get dressed and ready for the wake, something that I had been trying not to think about all day but failing miserably.

I walked in the door and threw the key and my bag on the kitchen counter and I was about to plop down on the couch when I looked into the bedroom and saw Justin sleeping with his laptop on his lap and cell phone in his right hand. I looked over at the clock, 2:32. We had to be at the funeral home at 4, which didn't leave us much time to get ready. I walked into the bedroom, took Justin's phone out of his hand and sat down on the bed next to him. I looked down at his computer and saw a picture of us that he took backstage at his show in Orlando on his desktop. I couldn't help but smile, and notice how happy I actually looked. Then I noticed Trace in the background giving us the finger and put my hand over my mouth so that I wouldn't laugh out loud and wake Justin. I closed the computer and put it on the nightstand next to him before curling up in a ball and placing my head on his chest. His arm immediately went around me and his lips landed on the top of my head. I knew I should have been getting ready but I didn't want to face it, and being in Justin's arms put me in my happy place.

"We've got to get ready," he said after a few minutes.

"I don't know if I can do this."

"I know you can do this," he replied, "and I'll be right by your side the whole time."

"I don't know what I'd do without you Justin."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that because I'm here." I looked up at him smiling before softly kissing his lips.

"Have I mentioned that I love you?"

"I have heard that statement come from your mouth a time or two," he replied rubbing my back. "Come on...time to get up and get this show on the road."

We both got up and started getting ready. I put on a black dress and straightened my hair. I was standing next to him in the bathroom putting my makeup on when I caught sight of him in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. He had on a classic black suit that looked like perfection on him with his curls getting longer each day. He kept tying and untying his tie not able to get it to look the way he wanted it to. I closed my mascara and grabbed his waist pulling him back a little bit before sitting on the sink in front of him and taking the tie out of his hands. It felt like silk and probably cost thousands of dollars, so I made sure I paid extra attention to what I was doing. I pulled the knot up to his neck and straightened it out before patting his chest and looking up at him.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?"

"Frankie taught me," I said feeling my eyes start to water, "plus I'm classy remember?" trying to lighten to mood so that the tears wouldn't fall. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him leaning his cheek on the top of my head. I breathed in his scent and closed my eyes paying attention to his heartbeat and his breathing. We stayed like that for a few minutes, neither one of us saying anything. He knew exactly what I needed when I needed it; it was almost like he was in my head.

"You know it's okay to cry," he said softly without letting go of me. I nodded my head against his chest, still holding back tears. I knew if I started now I wouldn't stop for two days. I took one last deep breath before lifting my head up and jumping down off of the sink throwing my makeup back in its bag and giving myself one last look in the mirror.

"Ready?" I asked plastering a fake smile on my face.

"Ready."

***

Justin drove to the funeral home in a car that we rented so that we weren't pulling up in a luxury vehicle and being dropped off drawing more attention to us then necessary. About a mile away from the funeral home we saw a line and it continued all the way up to the door. There were cops directing traffic into a bank parking lot, and streets were blocked off completely by cars. The clock read 3:45; visiting hours hadn't even begun yet. He put the car in park and got out to open my door, one that I could have opened myself but I couldn't bring myself to get one step closer to this on my own. I got out of the car and waited for Justin to put his jacket and sunglasses on, in hopes that people wouldn't recognize him. I knew this was it. This was the last time we wouldn't be followed by photographers, the last time I wouldn't hear my name being screamed as I walked down the street, and the last week my face wouldn't be all over the covers or magazines. I prayed silently that people would be respectful of what today really was and keep this about Frankie. I felt selfish bringing Justin for support knowing what it might turn into, but it's not my fault really. He's my boyfriend just like everyone else would bring their boyfriend to something like this; it just so happens that mine is a superstar. He put his hand out for me to take and hesitantly I placed my hand in his.

"Are you sure about this? Maybe you should just wait for me in the car."

"This is your decision Marissa. If you want me to wait in the car I will. I'm here to support you."

"It's just...I need you with me."

"Then I'm going with you. We'll deal with everything else as it comes," he said.

"Okay," I squeezed his hand and waited for him to start walking. I followed a step or two behind him the whole way back to the back of the line. He kept his head down most of the way looking up only to look at me. Once we got in line he pulled me close to him while looking around taking in his surroundings. I knew he didn't care if he got noticed, he was use to dealing with it and knew how to react to it, but I think it was just force of habit at this point. The line was moving at a slow pace but steadily and after about 15 minutes I could see the funeral home nearing closer, and it took me a minute to catch my breath. My heart was pounding and I was twirling my thumbs a mile a minute while tapping my shoe on the sidewalk. I knew what I was doing, and I tried to stop but I couldn't. If I did, I would have lost it right there on the sidewalk. Justin felt me tense up and held me tighter, rubbing my back in the process. It wasn't until we hit the steps outside that I saw Luke and Amy. They came over and gave us a hug before walking the long distance to the back of the line. Once we got inside the smell of fresh flowers overtook my senses. There were arrangements surrounding us even at the entrance, roses, lilies, geraniums, tulips, they were everywhere and it was at that point that I could no longer control my emotions. Tears started to slowly stain my cheeks and I grabbed onto Justin's hand holding it for dear life. I looked to the left and saw my parents sitting down a few feet in front of us. I made eye contact with my mother and I saw her look up at Justin before her face dropped. She tapped my father on the shoulder and he stopped talking to my sister to turn around and look at me, his reaction as well as my sisters was the same as my mothers.

"Those people are staring," Justin whispered in my ear.

"Those are my parents," I said not taking my eyes off of them and bringing a tissue to my eyes. As we got closer I knew I had to be the one to make the first move because they wouldn't waste there time with me, but before I could say anything my father approached us. I should have realized he'd have a reason to speak to me now seeing who was holding my hand.

"Marissa, it's good to see you," he said kissing my cheek and being his good old fake self.

"Hi," I said softly doing my best to hold my emotions together, "this is uhh...this is Justin, Justin this is my Dad."

"So good to meet you Justin, it's not everyday we're graced with the presence of a celebrity," he shook his hand and patted him on the back putting on a show for everyone.

"Nice to meet you too sir, I'm sorry for your loss," Justin replied. He then walked over and shook my mother and my sister's hand never letting go of mine. My sister was speechless, and my mother said nothing to Justin only to me.

"I didn't expect to see you here," she said.

"I don't know why you would ever think I wouldn't come. I know you don't want me here, so I'm sorry to spoil that for you..." Justin squeezed my hand prompting me to stop. She just glared at me and after a few seconds I turned my gaze elsewhere. My sister was more then shocked but at least acted appropriately towards Justin and I. I noticed people started to take second glances at us, but luckily no one came up to us. The line continued moving without another word out of either one of my parents. I started to hear whispers and was now not only sad, scared and angry but was now really nervous that all hell was about to break loose. My mind was racing thinking about what to say or do if someone came up to us when we turned the corner and I saw the casket. Everything stopped, I heard nothing, I felt nothing, my legs went numb and I couldn't even hear myself think. It didn't even look like him. The steroids he was on made him balloon to close to 300 pounds, and if I were to pass him on the street I wouldn't even recognize his face. I put my hand over my gaping mouth, unable to accept the fact that this was the last time I was going to see him and this is how I was going to remember him, unrecognizable.

As we moved closer to the kneeler we passed a ton of family sitting down in the room itself. I knew I should have been saying hello but I couldn't get over the shock. I saw heads turning and heard whispers starting when people saw me and realized who I was with, but I couldn't pay attention to any of it. This was the moment I had been dreading. I let go of Justin's hand and knelt down in front of the casket looking at my cousin who not even a week ago looked completely different. I felt the kneeler move as Justin knelt down next to me. I was praying for what felt like days. Praying that he was in a better place, praying for help to get through this, praying for my family, praying for strength, everything. I was sobbing, I could pray but I couldn't say goodbye. I silently thanked Frankie for everything and told him that I loved him over and over again, but I could not say goodbye, I couldn't do it. I felt Justin stand up and lean over behind me rubbing my back.

"I know it's hard sweetie, but you have to say goodbye," he whispered. I shook my head standing up but not doing it, not out loud, not silently in my head for only him to hear, I couldn't do it. He led me over the receiving line and I practically threw myself into my Uncle Frank's arms and stayed there until I felt him loosen his grip on me. I pulled back and saw him pick up his glasses and wipe tears away.

"You know how much he loved you and how proud he was of you Marissa, and he was so grateful for everything you did for him." I nodded not able to say anything. It was almost like I was in a dream, like none of this was really happening and I'd wake up and it would all be a sick joke. "You know Frankie, he wouldn't want you to be crying because he's gone, he'd want you to smile because he was here. He's in a better place now, he's not in pain, and he'll always be with you." He wrapped his arms around me again and I felt people huddle around me. I looked up and saw my Aunty Lisa and cousin Rebecca. "Thank you for giving us, and him the last year and a half of good memories."

"I'm so sorry," I managed to say backing away a little bit, "I just wish there was something I could have done, I mean I wasn't even here..."

"Stop right now," Aunty Lisa said. "You did everything you could have done. Don't you dare beat yourself up. Without you Marissa he would have been gone a long time ago."

"I know," I whispered looking down at my twirling thumbs.

"I know we're suppose to be sad right now, and I am don't get me wrong, but you've failed to acknowledge the fact that Justin Timberlake is standing behind you," Rebecca said prompting us all to burst out into laughter.

"I'm sorry," I said feeling the hand that was on my back go into my hand, "Justin this is my Uncle Frank, Aunty Lisa, and cousin Rebecca. Frankie's parents and sister, and this is Justin...my...well...boyfriend."

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Justin said hugging and kissing each of them.

"Thank you for coming, are you taking care of our girl?" Uncle Frank asked.

"Yeah keep her smiling," came from Aunty Lisa and "Holy Crap," was all Rebecca could produce.

"I'm doing my best," Justin responded with a chuckle, "she's a pretty amazing girl."

"She is," said Uncle Frank, "she was one of Frankie's best friends so just know he'll be watching you!" Just then my Aunty Lisa bent down and took a DVD out of her purse.

"When you go home I want you to watch this okay?" she said putting a clear case with a DVD labeled "Marissa" inside into my hand. Her eyes started to fill up again and she wrapped her arm around my waist when I nodded my head. "And I know this might be really hard and you can say no if you don't feel comfortable, but we were wondering if you'd speak tomorrow at the funeral."

"Oh God Aunty Lisa, I don't know if I'll be able to, I don't think I'd make it through the first sentence. And you know Frankie was the writer not me, he was the one always correcting me and proof reading my papers."

"It would really mean a lot to us." Justin squeezed my hand and I knew I should say yes but I honestly didn't think I'd make it through.

"She'll do it," Justin answered for me, "she can do anything. She'll do it." I nodded agreeing with him. I could do anything, I'm starting over, I had a new perspective on life, and I could do anything.

"I'll do it."

"Thank you," they all said in unison hugging me again.

"We need to talk about you dating this guy soon," Rebecca said trying to smile through her tears.

"Oh we will. We'll see you guys tomorrow," I said before walking away and letting the line continue.

"It was nice to meet you all, and I'm sorry again," Justin said.

Walking away I really noticed everyone's eyes on us but did my best to not pay attention to it. I introduced Justin to a slew of family members and caught up a bit with my sister. We stayed until the end of visiting hours and the line was out the door the entire five hours. Frankie touched so many people's lives, it was incredible to see it all play out before me. Justin met my boss Jason, and a few friends and classmates all of whom were really considerate of what the day really meant and there were no sudden outbursts or screaming when someone saw Justin sitting there. People will never understand how much I appreciated that.

We were about 100 feet away from the car when I heard someone gasp walking down the sidewalk. I turned my head and saw two girls walking towards us with huge smiles on their faces and an extra bounce in their step. Justin looked down at me, his eyes apologizing without even saying a word.

"It's okay, I'm ready for it," I said just as the girls approached us.

"OH...MY...GOD...Justin Timberlake! Can we have your autograph?" a short brunette that couldn't have been more then 13 said holding out a pen and a napkin from the restaurant they had just come out of. Her ponytail was swinging back and forth as she jumped with excitement when Justin took the pen out of her hand, and her eyes lit up as his hand grazed hers when he handed her the pen back. "My name is Samantha, and this is my friend Justine," the tall blonde next to her waved not saying a word, clearly star struck. "Can we take a picture with you?" She suddenly pulled a camera out from her back pocket and began going off on a stumbling rampage about how big of fans they were and how excited they were to see him walking the streets of where they lived. Justin turned and looked at me, almost questioning if I'd be okay with him taking a picture.

"Why don't you let me take the picture," I said inadvertently answering him.

"Cool! Thanks," the brunette said. Justin got in between the two of them and wrapped his arm around their shoulders. The flash lit up the dark night sky and the girls both screeched with joy when they saw the result of the picture.

"It was nice to meet you girls," Justin said, "do me a favor, try to keep it on the down low until the end of the week that I was here, can you do that?"

"SURE!" the said together in high pitched voices, "thanks!" With that we walked back to the car and drove back to the hotel with the radio on and my hand in his. We talked about my family and how we were both glad that no one really made a big deal about him being there, and he reassured me time and time again that I'd do great speaking at the funeral tomorrow. We made it back into our hotel room without being stopped by anyone else. I threw myself on the couch and attempted to process the night. Justin went over to the bar and made us some drinks. He sat down after handing me a captain and diet kissing my forehead gently.

"It didn't even look like him," I said taking a sip.

"I'm sorry babe. You did really well though, you held yourself together with your parents and stuff."

"Yeah, they were the least of my worries." I looked down while putting my drink on the coffee table and saw the plastic case poking out of my bag. I pulled it out, and read the writing on the DVD again, "Marissa", it was Frankie's writing. "I almost forgot about this," I said putting it down on the table taking a deep breath.

"Do you want me to put it in?"

"I don't really know to be honest with you." He took the case off the table and took the DVD out while turning the TV on with the remote. "Justin I really don't know..."

"If it's too much we'll stop it," he said getting up to put the DVD in. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders before hitting play. The screen was black for about 10 seconds before Frankie's face appeared on the screen.

"Oh God," I gasped tears immediately forming in my eyes, and I grabbed onto Justin's shirt. He was sitting in a chair in his bedroom at home smiling into the camera, his eyes bright lighting up the room and he looked just like he did a week ago when I was sitting next to him in class. "Justin I can't do this."

"Yes you can," he said. Just then Frankie started to speak.

"He was more then just my cousin, he was one of my best friends. He had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. His smile that was plastered on his face 24 hours a day 365 days a year lit up the room every time he walked in, and every time you heard his big belly laugh which was quite often, you couldn't help but laugh yourself. He was a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin and a friend to countless people all of whom are in this room right now, and to the thousands of people that were there last night. All those people are a testament to how amazing of a person Frankie was."

"To me, he meant the world. He was there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, and was always there with a smile and hug telling me that everything would be okay. We went to school together and had big plans to get out of here and move to California as fast as possible after graduation. He hated the snow. He'd see the first snowflake of the winter and curse about it every single year for at least a week. He always thought that if it was snowing outside everything should be closed, classes should be cancelled, and the city should shovel the sidewalks and clean off the cars. When he found out in the middle of winter that he had Leukemia he blamed it on the snow. He knew that it wasn't really the snows fault but it wasn't Frankie's nature to sulk and be depressed so he had to lighten the mood somehow. Every time he went in for chemo and got hooked up to the machines he cursed the snow and went on with his day keeping his mood positive and a smile on his face. He didn't let this disease bring him down, he pushed forward fighting every single day doing everything he could to beat it. He sacrificed a year of his life to be cooped up in his bedroom by himself, not able to hang out with his friends or go to school, and his outlook on life was more positive then, then my outlook on life has ever been."

"Frankie was the strongest person I ever met and probably will ever meet in my entire life. He has done more for me then anyone has ever done. He was always just a phone call away. Every birthday, holiday, major life event, minor life event, crisis, he was there for them all. All he wanted in life was to be happy, and to have everyone around him be happy too. He did everything in his power to make that happen even as the disease slowly took his life away. There are no words to describe how difficult it was to watch him suffer and be in pain, and when the doctors told him he was in remission it gave us all a new lease on life. The last year and a half was spent making new memories, laughing, and enjoying life. Frankie made the most of the last year and a half even though he didn't know it was going to be his last."

"There are no words to say how grateful I am to have had Frankie be a part of my life. A million thank yous wouldn't be enough for everything he has done for family, our friends, and me. I owe so much of who I am today to him. He's made me a better person, a happier person, a more confident and intelligent person. I don't know who is going to proofread my papers before I hand them in anymore, and I don't know who is going to be sitting next to me at Fenway Park the next Red Sox game I attend. I have no clue who I'm going to call with my next crisis, or who I'm going to celebrate with at graduation. I'm going to miss his laugh, his smile and his bear hugs. I'm going to miss the fake insults and fake fights. I'm going to miss everything about him. I am who I am today because of Frankie. And there are no words that can describe how much pain I feel inside knowing that he is gone. But he's off to a better place now, free of pain, free of tubes and needles and everything else that came along with it. And I know that he will always be with me. He was taken away from us too soon, but Frankie wouldn't want us to cry because he's gone, he'd want us to smile because he was here. So after today I want everyone to make it a point to smile every time they think of him, and say hi to a stranger just like he would. Help me let Frankie's legacy live on. I love you Frankie, thank you for everything you have ever done for me these past 21 years, you'll never know how much you mean to me. I'm going to miss you so much, keep smiling down upon us up there big guy. The world will never be the same without you. You're my best friend, and I love you."

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I won't be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do
Yes I do

The music stopped and everyone in the packed to capacity church stood up and started clapping. I looked around and saw not one dry eye in the room including my own. She was up all night writing it. Everything she wrote she crossed out after re-reading it saying nothing was good enough and that no words could express what she felt and what she wanted to say. After watching the video she cried in my arms for hours and then got up threw her shoulders back and started writing what she wanted to be the best speech she's ever written in her life, and she was successful. I watched her walk down the stairs and hug her aunt, uncle and cousin before putting her hand on the covered casket and taking a moment to pray silently. She walked back over to stand next to me in the pew with tear stained cheeks, red eyes and a wad of wet tissues in her hand. She wanted to make it through without crying but I knew just as well as she did that that would not happen. Luke, Amy and Jen all leaded over to give her a hug and she couldn't control her sobbing. I wrapped her up in my arms and did the only thing I knew how in the situation, I just held her and let her cry.

The priest gave the final blessing and Amazing Grace was being sung as the casket was rolled by us. She buried her head in my chest unable to watch it go by. This morning at the funeral home she didn't go in to say goodbye she wanted to remember Frankie like he was in the video. The cemetery was heart wrenching and after throwing a white rose on top of the casket she walked back over to me and stood there not moving until the cemetery crew asked us to leave so that they could lower the casket. Everyone around us had dispersed and she walked over and sat down on the ground next to the casket. I stayed back and let her have her time with him and asked the crew to come back in a few minutes. I watched her talk to him like he was standing right in front of her; I wanted so badly to be able to make him actually be there for her. After about ten minutes she got up and walked directly to the car passing me without any contact at all. I followed behind her but not before thanking him, and promising him that I would never hurt her. I sat in the back seat next to her and she put her head on my shoulder before Luke drove away. We pulled up to the hall where everyone was meeting for lunch soon after and before she got out of the car she took one last deep breath, looked at herself in the mirror and brushed her last tear away.

Inside we sat at a table with a group of her friends and her sister. Her parents sat at the complete opposite end of the hall never looking over to our table. People were coming up to her left and right telling her how great she did and how moving her eulogy was. She thanked them all and introduced everyone to me. A few people asked me for autographs for themselves, or their kids or friends and I was happy to sign them. Her hand didn't leave mine for one minute the entire time we were there. I knew after today things were going to change, and soon possibly even by tomorrow it would hit the airwaves about our relationship. She seemed to be dealing with it better then I imagined she would. She sat smiling while I signed autographs and offered to take pictures for people. This whole new perspective new life thing couldn't have come at a better time.

We were invited back to Frankie's parents house and I was excited to get to know the side of her family that she really loved. I spoke with Rebecca for what seemed like hours and she was telling me all kinds of stories about when they were kids what Marissa was like. The more and more I learned about her; the more and more it confirmed my feelings for her. Looking at old pictures a smile went back on her face and her eyes started to light up again. Before we realized it, it was almost 9:00 at night. We said our goodbyes and sent our condolences one last time before we got back in the car.

"I have to go home and get some stuff."

"You want me to stop at your dorm?" Luke asked.

"No, I need to go home home." Luke looked at me in the rearview mirror pleading with me to say something.

"Do you want me to go get your stuff for you?" I asked.

"No, I know where it is but you can come if you want."

"Marissa are you sure going home is the right thing to do at this point?" Luke asked.

"No, but I have a funny feeling I'll never be stepping foot in that house again so I want to get some things that I know I'll want in the future out of there."

"I'm coming with you," I said quickly. I couldn't let her go in alone not after everything she's been through. Five minutes later we pulled up to a beat up two family brick house surrounded by a chain link fence. The porch light was on and flickering with moths flying around it. She opened the car door and stepped out onto a pothole filled street waiting to close the door until I got out.

"You sure you want to come in? The place is a dump and I'm sure there's some screaming going on."

"I'm positive," I said looking around and taking in my surroundings. She's told me about her house before but this was far worse then I expected. We walked up the broken brick stairs onto the creaky porch as she searched through her bag for her keys. After unlocking three locks, the door swung open and she walked in before motioning for me to follow her. The hallway was filled with shoes piled on the rug and the living room that was directly to my left had couches with piles of clothes and paperwork stacked about a foot high. Her mother was sleeping on the one recliner that wasn't covered with stuff, and the flicker of the TV was the only thing that lit the room. I followed her through the living room and dining room tip toeing so that the floors wouldn't creek so loud. We past the bathroom and her parents room and walked into the second room on the right. She turned the light on walked in and closed the door behind us.

"Don't laugh, I painted the walls in middle school and thought I was so cool because I had clouds on my wall." She walked over to an old dresser that looked like it was an antique and pulled out some pictures and some clothes. Her walls were covered in frames filled with pictures of herself and her friends, and motivational sayings. I walked around looking at all of the pictures while she got a duffle bag and started putting things in it. There were a ton of pictures of her and Frankie, silly pictures with Luke, Amy and Jen, and a bunch of faces that I didn't recognize. I stopped when I came across a collage and my face popped out at me. I smiled knowing it was from the Justified tour, and felt a little giddy knowing that she was there. An entire wall was filled with stacks upon stacks of CD's ranging from soundtracks to plays, to Billy Joel, to Eminem, Green Day, Biggie, Al Green, Christina, TI, and well...me. So much of her personality was wrapped up in these four walls. She started taking the frames off the walls and putting them in her bag, on a mission to take everything she'd ever possibly want or need from this room. After a few minutes she looked around and shrugged her shoulders, "I think that's it, you ready?"

"I'm ready whenever you are," I said reaching for the doorknob but stopping when I heard her father's voice.

"Are you in there?" he asked.

"Yeah it's me," she said pulling my hand off the doorknob.

"It was real nice of you to come to the wake and funeral and draw attention to yourself by bringing some big shot celebrity Marissa, you're a real class act."

"I've learned from the best." was her response.

"Well I hope your packing all your shit in there because after that act you put on today I don't really want to see you step foot in this house again."

"Don't you worry that's exactly what I'm doing." She was sitting on the bed now with her bag on her shoulder rolling her eyes and waiting for him to walk away from the door.

"Good. Oh by the way a bill came in my name for your tuition, are you trying to get money out of me or something?"

"No, it was probably a mistake." It was taking everything in me to not get up, throw the door open and punch this guy in the face. She just sat there like it was nothing, like she deserved to be spoken to like this. I gave her a look as if to say what are you going to do about this, and she just shrugged her shoulders and looked down at her nails.

"I hope you know that boy is just using you. I'm sure you've already put yourself out there with him; no celebrity, or anyone for that matter would want to date someone with your attitude. I hope you'll take him for a ride and get some money out of him," he said trailing off. I couldn't stop myself any longer. That was the last straw. I got up off the bed and she reached out to grab my wrist but I shrugged her off and flung the door open.

"Listen to me you son of a bitch," I said looking down on him, "you say one more fucking word to her and I'll kick the shit out of you. What kind of a father are you that you talk to your kid like that. That girl is the most amazing person I've ever met in my life and you're talking to her like she's a piece of trash. She's right to never come back here because she shouldn't have to put up with this abuse..."

"Justin please it's not worth it," she tried to stop me.

"You're her father, you're suppose to care for her and love her and treat her like gold. You know what she's been through these past few days and you're still treating her like shit. She didn't do anything to you what the fuck is your problem? What...you didn't realize I was in the room right so you spoke to her like you normally would instead of putting on the act you did yesterday? Well guess what no one believes your bullshit, speak one more word to her and I will kick the shit out of you," I then turned around grabbed her hand and started walking away without giving him a chance to say anything back to me. Her mother just looked at us when we past her and right before we walked out the door her father got in one last dig.

"Have fun with that mistake, and don't be too rough on her when you kick her to the curb, we wouldn't want to see her hurt." I clenched my fists and turned around to attack him, but I felt hands pull me backwards and out the door. The next thing I knew I was back in the car and Luke was driving away. It took me a few minutes to calm down, and once she saw my breathing steady she broke the silence.

"I told you it wasn't worth it."

"Marissa how can you let someone talk to you like that? Call you those names and say such degrading things?"

"I don't know, I guess I just got use to it after a while. You can only cry so much about it until you realize it's never going to stop and you just accept it."

"You shouldn't have to accept it because it shouldn't happen in the first place."

"Well it does Justin," she started to raise her voice, "it does happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm 21 years old, I'm an adult what do you want me to do call Child Protective Services on him?"

"I want you to do something! Stick up for yourself!"

"They are not worth my time anymore. I have better things to do then do something about them. This conversation is over. I got all my stuff and I don't ever plan on going back so there is nothing to worry about anymore."

"If I ever see him again..."

"THAT'S ENOUGH. Stop. It's hard enough to listen to it and deal with it, I don't need you yelling at me about it too." The car went silent. Luke and Amy were staring out the front window not saying a word. "I love you and I know you're just trying to protect me," she said more calmly, "but please stop okay? It's not worth it."

"Okay, I'm sorry," I said putting my arm around her. "I'm sorry."

***

We got back to the hotel around 11:00 and invited Luke and Amy up. We ordered some room service and popped in a movie while we waited for it. I couldn't focus on the movie though, all I could think about is what kind of life Marissa actually had growing up and how she ever went through that on a daily basis. I knew I couldn't say anything to her and she wanted me to end it but I couldn't stop thinking about it. She didn't say anything else to me in the car; we drove back with only the radio filling the silence. We both went into the bedroom to change a few minutes into the movie. I could tell she was off in another world, her mind racing with thoughts. These past two days have been so difficult for her and I felt awful for adding onto that. She stepped into a pair of shorts and hung her dress up on a hanger before walking into the bathroom and brushing her teeth. I followed her into the bathroom and looked at her through the mirror. She smiled a toothpaste filled smile and I couldn't help but smile back at her before sitting on the toilet.

"I'm sorry about that outburst," I said, "you've had a really hard few days and I shouldn't have added to that."

"It's fine," she replied after spitting out her toothpaste, "if I were you I probably would have done the same thing."

"No, it's not okay. I should have listened to you I just couldn't control myself."

"Justin please don't worry about it. Plus you're kind of sexy when you're mad." She straddled my lap after wiping her mouth dry.

"Don't you do this to me now girl, there are people in the other room."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said softly right next to my ear so I could feel her breath on my skin.

"Marissa..."

"Justin..." she put her mouth on mine and her tongue ran over my lips. I moaned and wrapped my arms around her back pulling her closer to me in the process. Her mouth landed on my neck sucking gently, her tongue rolling on my skin. My hands went under her shirt rubbing her back while my head rolled back giving her more access. She reached down and grabbed the hem of my shirt, pulling it up over my head and ran her hands down my bare chest never letting her mouth leave my neck. I grabbed her ass and stood up walking quickly over to the bed and laid her down on the bed crawling on top of her. Her hands went to the button of my suit pants that I still hadn't changed out of while I pulled my T-Shirt that she had changed into off of her. She unzipped my pants and rubbed her hands down my chest before looping her thumbs in my pants and tugging them down. No sooner did I kick my pants off completely did everything make a turn for the worse.

"WHAT THE FUCK," Luke screamed from outside our door. I looked down at Marissa and she pulled me close to her.

"Don't you dare walk out on me Justin..." she whispered. I heard a door slam against the wall and Amy started yelling for Marissa. "Jesus Christ," she said getting up and putting the T-Shirt back on. I threw a pair of shorts that were on top of my suitcase on really quickly and didn't even bother to grab a shirt. I opened the door and saw Luke rolling around on the floor with what looked to be the guy who brought us our room service.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I said prompting them both to stop and look up. I heard a gasp come from behind me and I turned around to see Marissa kneeling on the floor with her hand over her mouth and her eyes glaring at the guy who was still unknown to me. "Marissa who is that..." She said nothing. "Who the fuck are you?" I asked looking at him. Nothing. "Marissa tell me who that is," I said again kneeling down next to her to be on her level. "MARISSA," I yelled.'

"Justin stop her," I heard Amy say, and I could feel him walking close behind me. I was stepping on pieces of broken glass in nothing but a pair of socks but felt no pain at all. "Justin...hold her back," she said a little louder. He grabbed the back of my T-Shirt and started pulling me back. The rest happened in slow motion. The minute I felt Justin's hands on the T-Shirt I sprung forward and his grip slipped making him stumble backwards and leaving me free to attack. He tried to back away but Luke held him there. I got right in front of him stopping for a moment before throwing my clenched fist up and was about to punch him in the face when someone pulled me backwards. I knew when I landed on top of him that it was Justin and it took everything in me to not punch him in the face for pulling me back. He wrapped his arm around me holding me tight preventing me from getting out of his grip, while he used his other arm to push himself up off the floor.

"LET ME GO!" I screamed squirming to get out.

"Marissa STOP," he now had both his arms wrapped around me and was holding me up off the floor trying to walk backwards.

"LET GO OF ME JUSTIN...LET GO!"

"NO!"

"Justin I swear to God let me down so I can beat the shit out of him...LET...ME...GO," I was now kicking him but he wasn't giving up. He scooped me up wedding day threshold style and walked backwards to the bedroom doors we walked out of not two minutes ago. He put me down then spread his arms out across the doorway not allowing me to exit then turned around and faced him.

"Who the fuck are you?" he said calmly. He didn't say anything just stood there. "ANSWER ME!" he screamed.

"I...I...I..." he was stuttering.

"Justin..." Amy started walking towards him knowing that once he found out he'd be in the same fit of rage I was in. "Justin you have to calm down okay? Just calm down and promise me you won't do anything stupid."

"Who the fuck is this guy?"

"Promise me Justin..."

"Tell me who the fuck he is NOW!"

"Justin think about your career and your relationships with your friends and family think about it Justin..." I saw his head move a little to the left looking past Amy and looking at this guy standing there watching his life flash before his eyes. He gave him a once over and stopped when he got to his face. I saw his muscles tighten when a light bulb went off in his head as to who was standing about 15 feet away from him.

"Amy...move," he said softly.

"Justin please..."

"Amy I don't want to hurt you so please take two steps over to the right before I move you myself." She looked at me before moving over. I couldn't wait for him to move so that I could pounce on him. He slowly lowered his right arm, and I took a step forward but he moved over blocking me. He was breathing heavy and he was rolling his neck. He started walking forward very slowly taking a step and stopping, before taking another one and doing the same thing. I tried to get around him but Amy stopped me.

"Marissa, don't do this. Be the bigger person here, you know you're going to get hurt if you stoop to his level." I looked behind her and saw Justin still walking forward. He got right in his face and stopped looking down on him his feet centimeters away from his shoes.

"Tell me your fucking name..."

"B...B...My name is...B..."

"Enough with the fucking stuttering you filthy, disgusting, degrading piece of shit. Your name is Brandon am I right?"

"Y...Yes..."

"That's what I thought..."

"Listen I..."

"No you listen to me," he said throwing him against the wall, "I'm the one calling the shots now. You are so lucky that I have a fucking heart, because if I was anything like you you'd be dead on the floor right now. So instead of kicking the shit out of you I'm going to do this the right way as long as you cooperate." He turned his head leaving his hand on his throat and motioned for me to go over. Amy moved over giving me one last pleading look before I walked past her holding my hands behind my back so that I wouldn't attack him. Justin grabbed my arm and pulled me right next to him. "The first thing you're going to is apologize." He didn't say anything and Justin threw him against the wall again.

"I...I'm...I'm sorry..."

"For what?"

"For everything that happened," he said looking at Justin.

"Be more specific."

"I'm sorry for letting him do that to you," he said now looking at me. I looked into his eyes and everything that I saw in them all those years ago were gone.

"For letting him do what to her."

"Justin stop," Luke said.

"Shut up Luke...you're sorry for letting him do what to her?" he said again looking at Brandon.

"I'm sorry I let him rape you...but..."

"No, no buts. You let him fucking rape her, and you watched like it was normal. Then you kicked the shit out of her for what shits and giggles? You are a piece of trash that got away with it then, but you're not going to get away with it now. I'm going to let you go without killing you, and you're going to go to the police station and admit to everything that happened and if you don't I will hunt you down and fucking kill you, do you understand me?"

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it's not. It's a fucking promise. And I know what's going to come out of your mouth next. You're going to go to the cops tell them I threatened you, and go to the media blah blah blah but guess what...I'm Justin Timberlake. Who do you think they're going to believe?"

"It's been three years, haven't you gotten over it yet?" he asked looking at me.

"Gotten over what?" I asked. "Gotten over the fact that I was raped by your friend while you watched me? Or the fact that you kicked the shit out of me? Have I gotten over the fact that I was in love with someone for three years and put all of my trust and love into the relationship only to find out that the whole thing was a fraud? Have I gotten over the fact that some person that I didn't even know took my virginity? Yeah I've gotten over it. The physical pain from the whole experience went away after about a month, and it only took until about two weeks after that for the bruises to disappear. I got over you real fast, in fact the moment you walked away and let him do what he did to me I was over you, and even more so after the first time you slapped me across the face. My heart ached for about three years but luckily I've been able to find a real man to put it back together and show me what real love is. It took everything out of me to let him break my wall down but he did and after THREE FUCKING YEARS there is a smile back on my face. I'll never be able to get back what he took away from me and you let him do it. You knew...you fucking knew. To this day I still have nightmares about it, those will never stop, but have I gotten over you? I'm over you, and I'll be even more over you the minute you pay for what you did. When I see you rotting in jail is the day I'll finally be able to breath, and I hope you feel half as much pain as I did over the past three years, then and only then will I be satisfied." Justin let go of him and I stood there staring at him. I saw tears start to form in his eyes, and I felt absolutely no remorse for what just occurred.

"I was high...I didn't know what I was doing. I cared about you. I fucking loved you. You don't think that it hurt for me too? You walked out on me Marissa."

"I WALKED OUT ON YOU BECAUSE YOU LET YOUR FRIEND RAPE ME YOU ASSHOLE. If you really loved me...if you really fucking cared you wouldn't have let that happen no matter how high you fucking were," I slapped him across the face and Justin pulled me back against him. "You wasted six years of my life. Three for when we dated, and three years after. You pulled my heart out of my chest and cut it up into a million little pieces..."

"Marissa stop, please," Luke said.

"No Luke I won't stop. I won't stop because I've needed to say this for three years. I have gotten no fucking closure for three years, I've just dealt with it, let it sit there and pretended that I don't think about it anymore so that people don't think I'm depressed or think that I can't handle it. So he can sit here and listen to me, he owes me at least that." I felt Justin's hands let go of his tight grip on my arms, and one hand fell into mine. I was fuming, and I don't think I've ever screamed so loud in my life, but at the same time after every word I felt 5 pounds lighter. I needed this to put it all behind me once and for all. Justin had let go of Brandon and if he really wanted to he could have taken off, the door was still open and no one was holding him back, but he was just standing there. The room was so quite you could hear a pin drop. I looked up at Justin but his eyes were glaring into Brandon so I turned back to look at him as well, into those eyes that use to comfort me but now just made me mad and I let it all out. "You knew everything about me, and you knew how much I depended on you. Am I proud that I had to depend on someone? No, I'm not, but at that time I did and I learned the hard way to never do it again. You made me believe that I could be loved, that I could actually mean something to someone and then you ripped it all away. You knew what you were doing and you knew how much power you had over me. I just don't understand how you can see someone go from unhappy, unloved, and so confused about life to a person with a smile on there face and knowing what direction they were going in and do what you did. You took a piece of me away that I will never get back. I'm a statistic now Brandon, I'm just another number and you did that to me. You allowed everything that happened to happen. I have nightmares because of you and I jump at nothing but the wind blowing because of you. I can't step foot in an elevator because of you, and I can't accept a compliment because of you. I wish I never met you, I wish I never made eye contact with you, and I wish I could take back everything I ever said to you and every feeling I ever felt for you. I loved you, and you broke me. You got away with it. You walked out of that courtroom with a smile on your face feeling absolutely no guilt what so ever. I hate you with every ounce of my being I hate you but at the same time I should probably thank you."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Luke gasped. I kept my eyes on Brandon, his mouth dropped because no one in that room expected me to say that.

"I should thank you because you put me through hell and back and I'm a stronger person now. I don't need to depend on anyone anymore because I depend on myself now. I can live my life and be successful without the help of anyone else and if I stayed in the destructive relationship we were in I'd probably still be depending on you and your tips from bringing room service to celebrities. I'm happy now, truly happy. If everything around me crumbled tomorrow I'd be able to deal with it and still have a smile on my face. I have a real man in my life that shows me real love and supports me in everything that I do which is something that I never got from you. So thank you for opening my eyes and making me realize that I deserve so much more then what you ever had to offer."

"I know you don't believe me, " he said after a few moments of silence, "but I really am sorry and if there was anything I could do to prove it to you I would, but I know there's not. What I did, and what I let happen was wrong and I know didn't feel guilty then, but I do now. I'll go to the cops and fess up. I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry." He sounded sincere but I couldn't believe a word that ever came out of his mouth again.

"I'm sure you are," I said then turned around and walked back to the bar passing Luke and Amy on my way. I heard Justin call Eric and watched Brandon be escorted out by the same man that escorted me to meet the person that made my world a happy place again. I poured a shot of Tequila and threw it back squeezing my eyes shut as the smooth liquid burned the back of my throat. After three more shots I felt the bottle being removed from my hand and arms go around my waist from behind. I took in a deep breath and knew immediately that it wasn't Justin. The chin on my shoulder didn't have day old scruff on it, and I didn't breathe in his scent. I heard Luke exhale and squeeze me tighter.

"It's over now. They're going to pay, it's over." I nodded my head keeping my eyes closed trying to process the last ten minutes. "Frankie would have been so proud of you."

"I wish he could have been there to witness that," I whispered holding back tears.

"He was," Luke responded placing a kiss on my cheek. "We're gunna go, call us if you need anything. See you tomorrow okay?"

"But...the movie."

"Forget the movie. Everything that just happened was like watching a movie I think we've all had enough drama for one day." I let out a small laugh and felt his arms leave my waist, my eyes still closed. I heard the glass bottle clink on Justin's ring when Luke handed it to him and attempted to open my eyes when I heard the door click behind Luke and Amy. With my eyes half open I could see a blur of what looked and sounded like a shot glass being placed on the bar and white liquid being poured into it. Then I felt the other glass being taken out of my hand and placed down and filled with the same thing.

"One more for good measure?" I opened my eyes completely and through a haze saw Justin holding up a shot glass for me to take. I reached my hand out and took the glass holding it up to my nose and smelling its contents.

"To Frankie," I said holding the glass out and taping it on Justin's.

"To Frankie." I closed my eyes while tipping my head back and waiting for the burn that was now barely present before slamming the glass down onto the bar. I walked around the bar and into Justin's arms closing my eyes as he kissed the top of my head and held me close to him. "Are you okay?" I nodded still trying to comprehend everything that just happened. "Let's get you to bed," he said backing away and pulling me towards the bedroom. I flicked all of the lights off on our way there and let Justin pull my T-Shirt off before putting the covers over me as I laid down. I watched him take his shorts off and sit down on the bed in only a pair of boxer briefs. He laid down on his back looking up at the ceiling with his hands folded on his stomach.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"What the hell are you sorry for?" he asked rolling over on his side facing me.

"For everything that's happened the past two days. Pure insanity basically, and I just kind of threw you into a lions cage."

"There is absolutely nothing for you to be sorry for Marissa. None of what happened was your fault it's not like you planned for everything to turn out the way it did. But it's all over now anyway, Eric took him to the police station, you got all your stuff from your house so you won't have to deal with your parents anymore, and after tonight everything should be back to normal. It's been a rough couple days I won't say they were easy, but they're over now so don't worry about it okay?"

"I just can't believe everything that happened, as if coming home for the wake and funeral of my cousin wasn't enough you know? I never thought I'd see him again and I have no clue how I stayed as calm as I did, or why I didn't kick the shit out of him."

"You call what you were calm?"

"Every ounce of me wanted to throw him on the ground and kill him, but I didn't. I got out everything I ever wanted to say to him without even crying or hurting him in any way."

"I think you're forgetting about that slap across the face. It looked like it hurt a little more then the one I got..." he chuckled.

"Well, I can tell you that it hurt me a lot more then yours did...I just want all of this to be over. I don't want you to have to come here and deal with all this shit every time it's not fair to you."

"Babe, first of all I don't mind dealing with all of this as long as at the end of the day you're next to me and there is a smile on your face. Once everything is dealt with we won't have to worry about any of it anymore so it's a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness. And second of all, I'm glad I'm here going through it with you because not only does it make me feel better that you're not doing it alone, but it also shows me how amazing you are, and how much strength you have." He moved closer to me and put his arm around my waist placing a small kiss on my temple. "Marissa the way you handled yourself today was something to be really proud of, and not many people in your position would be able to do what you did especially after everything you've been through the past two days. I'm so proud of you, and it made me love you even more then I already did if that's even possible."

"I wouldn't have been able to do it without you..."

"Yes, you would have. I didn't even do anything, you did all the talking I was just there to stand over him and make him all the more nervous. You did this Maris, and I know that you feel 100 pounds lighter now after getting all of that off your chest. You," he kissed my nose, "are amazing."

"I love you Justin Randall Timberlake. Thank you for supporting me these last couple of days."

"I love you too Marissa No Middle Name Mitchell, and your welcome."

"So what kind of drama do you think tomorrow will bring?" I asked rolling over onto my back.

"I think tomorrow you'll be getting a call from the cops saying one of two things, either that they're in jail and they need you to come in for questioning about everything that happened, or that you have to come bail me out of jail."

"Do you think he'll press charges?"

"With Eric standing over him? Hell no."

"I can't believe this is finally over. I feel like I can totally put it behind me now, start fresh." I closed my eyes and I could feel a smile on my face. I was starting over; I had a clean slate to work off of.  From now on, I was in control of my future. I turned my head expecting a response and saw Justin sleeping, his mouth parted just a little bit, his arm around my waist and his bare chest going up and down at a slow steady pace. I rolled over facing him and pressed me lips onto his before closing my eyes and letting my body relax into his. For the first time in years, I slept through the night and woke up the next morning feeling like I could do anything I set my mind to. No one stood in my way any longer.

***

I smelled food, bacon to be exact, and then I got a strong whiff of coffee. I opened my eyes slowly adjusting to the sun that was shining in the room. Instead of seeing Justin next to me I saw my Media Criticism textbook and practice exam. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes again not wanting to even attempt to study. I wanted today to be spent lounging around with Justin and spending our last day together in Boston doing something fun with no stress. I felt a hand go to my back and lips on my cheek. I turned my head and saw Justin standing over me licking his lips and holding a tray with food and coffee on it. I sat up and he put the tray in front of me while sitting on the edge of the bed. I looked down at every food I've been avoiding for the past month. Bacon, greasy sausages, an omelet with cheese gushing out the sides, home fries loaded with ketchup and a steaming hot cup of coffee with crème. I looked up at Justin and he had a huge smirk on his face.

"Are you trying to make me cry?"

"No. I'm trying to make you smile. You deserve a break in your stupid diet, and I'll be offended if you don't eat it because it took me forever to make."

"You made all this? You didn't call room service?"

"Do you remember what happened the last time I called room service?"

"Mmmm," I said putting a piece of bacon in my mouth, closing my eyes as the grease dripped down my throat, "this is heaven. You really cooked this?"

"Yes! Why is that so hard to believe?"

"Because just the other day you burned your finger and dropped 20 pans on the ground before you were even able to crack an egg."

"I promise you I made this, and if you don't believe me go look at the kitchen."

"I believe you," I said leaning over to give him a kiss, "thank you."

"Your welcome, now give me a bite of that sausage."

"HELL NO," I said picking up the plate and moving it away from him, "I haven't had any of this stuff for months, keep your paws off."

"Fine, you big meanie," he said getting up.

"I'm not a meanie!" I replied with my mouth full of eggs, "come back I'll prove it to you."

"Are you going to give me a bite of sausage?"

"I'm going to give you something so much better then that," I said pushing my books off of the bed and grabbing the top of his shorts to pull him closer.

"I like the sound of that."

"What do you want?" she whispered, her lips grazing against mine while she stroked me. I swallowed hard as my eyes rolled to the back of my head now remembering what I'd been missing out on for so long. She pushed me onto my back and got on top of me, her hand still in control of me. Her mouth was on my neck, her tongue circling my pressure points. I reached down to tug off her panties but she pulled away looking up at me and shaking her head, "not yet," she said and took my hand placing it on her left breast. I massaged it gently, teasing her nipple every so often just to watch her squirm a bit. Her head was getting lower and lower on my body, her tongue now playing with the muscles leading up to my dick. I let out a moan as she sucked on the skin sending shock waves through my body. She released her hand and replaced it with her tongue. I let go of her breast and tangled my hands in her hair as she put me in her mouth.

"Jesus Christ," I moaned out as she began sucking, her tongue rolling around in a circle playing with the head of my dick every time she came up for air. After a few minutes, she began humming on my dick and I felt a familiar tingle running through my body. I knew soon I wouldn't be able to control it so I sat up pulling her up with me and crashed onto her lips pushing her back against the pillows. My hands cupped her breasts as I sucked from her neck all the way down to her belly button, she let out a soft moan before I moved back up her body and put her right nipple in my mouth sucking on it and biting gently. She dug her nails into my back before moving her right hand back around me causing me to bite a little harder. I ran my hands down her stomach, tucking my thumbs into her panties and pulling down on them, she kicked them off instantly and I separated her lips my fingers immediately drenched in her wetness. I felt a shiver run down her body as I started rubbing her clit pushing her legs open with my elbows. I dipped my head down between her legs and began licking her clit while placing two fingers inside of her. Her hands fell from my dick and started pulling the few curls that had grown on my head. She was soaking wet and with every lick and stroke she got even wetter. Soon her legs started to twitch and I knew that she was about to reach her breaking point. I took my fingers out of her and held her legs open flicking her clit with my tongue over and over again. Her moaning got louder and just as she was about to break I began sucking on her clit making circles with my tongue.

"Justin..." her voice was shaky, her nails digging into my back. "Holy shit," just then she lost all sense of control of her body. She began to quiver and I could feel her contracting. She leaned forward unable to control her spasms while I continued to suck on her until her orgasm subsided. She pulled me up to her, stroking my cheek before placing her mouth softly on mine. "Justin..."

"Mmm..."I said consuming my mouth with hers.

"I'm gunna fuck you so good you're not going to know what hit you," she said rolling over on top of me her mouth never more then an inch away from mine.

"Jesus fucking Christ woman..."

The next thing I knew I was inside of her tight walls, my arms wrapped around her lower back, her hands on my chest, and her chest in my face. This was a side of her that I had yet to see and can already tell that I'd want to see more of. She took total control pinning my arms above my head her hips moving fast and steady. She held my arms down with one hand allowing herself to sit up a little bit and run her other hand down her body stopping to rub her spot. My mouth dropped open at the sight of this combined with the rolling of her hips. I was close, very close and she knew it. She took my hand and replaced hers with mine throwing her head back her hips still rolling on top of me, and soon after her walls were squeezing me tighter and she screamed my name, grabbing a handful of sheets in her hand and her body shaking for the second time. As much as I wanted to last longer I couldn't, my hips still moving in sync with hers, my hands now on her ass, and my eyes rolling to the back of my head. I let out a deep moan, my chest tightened and I exploded into her. She leaned over me breathing fast and heavy, her eyes filled with lust and her bottom lip in her mouth. She rested all of her body weight on me putting her head on my chest. I slid out of her after a few minutes and she let out a small whimper before leaning down right next to my ear, her heart beating fast on top of mine. "Is that what you wanted baby?" I couldn't speak, I just looked at her nodding and with my hand on the back of her head I pulled her down onto my lips before she rolled over lying on her back next to me. I put my hand in hers and took a deep breath turning my head to look at her glistening body.

"Holy shit," was all that I could say. She layed on her side holding her head up with her arm that was now perched on the pillow and looked down at me. I ran my finger down her cheek lifting my head up enough to feel her lips on mine. "Where the fuck did that come from?"

"I reeeeeeally didn't want to study," she said laughing, "plus you've been teasing me walking around half naked for the past two days and I told you yesterday how incredibly sexy you are when you're mad...why did you hate it?"

"Yeah, it was pretty bad but I mean we can work on it," I said trying to keep a straight face but failing.

"You're an asshole," she said hitting my shoulder.

"You...are incredible."

"I love you Justin."

"I love you too babe," I said kissing her nose. "Now last time I checked you have a huge final tomorrow that you haven't even studied for yet."

"Ugh, forget finals. I just want to spend the day with you, I could go for round 2."

"I'll tell you what," I said sitting on top of her, "you study for your final while I go meet up with my friend for lunch, then when I come back we can spend the rest of the day doing anything you want." I reached down and grabbed the book she threw on the floor and held it in front of her. She took it out of my hands and threw it back on the ground crossing her arms over her chest pouting.

"Is this how you repay me for my services?"

"Your services huh? You mean to tell me that wasn't a token of the love you have for me?" I asked tickling her.

"No," she said slapping me, squirming to get out, "it was until you put that book in my face."

"I love you, but you have to study and if I stay here I'll just be a distraction."

"Don't flatter yourself Timberlake."

"You said it yourself, the sight of me half naked is a tease."

"I was high on life when I said that," she said running her fingers down my chest.

"Ohhh no you don't," I said grabbing her hand right before it got too low, "you're studying." I picked the book back up and threw it on the bed while she rolled her eyes at me. "I'm going to shower and get ready, go to lunch, make some phone calls and when I come back I'll be all yours deal?"

"Whatever...you always get your way."

"You are learning so well," I said getting off of her and turning to walk to the bathroom. I showered and got ready reliving the last hour in my head the whole time unable to wipe the smile off my face. I walked out to see her sitting on the bed indian style still completely naked leaning over her book with a highlighter in one hand and a pen in the other. I couldn't help but stare at her unable to figure out how the hell I got so lucky. She must have felt my eyes on her because she looked up and smiled at me, taking her glasses off and leaning back on the pillow.

"You sure you want to go to lunch?" she asked with a smirk on her face. I licked my lips and walked over to her placing my lips on hers and backing away to see her with her eyes still closed. I sucked on her bottom lips until she let out a soft whimper.

"Positive," I whispered grazing her lips with mine.

"Ugh I hate you," she hit my shoulder which was becoming a habit.

"I love you too," I said walking away. "I'll be back in a couple hours then I'm all yours. I closed the door behind me and walked over to the stairs and stopped before opening the door realizing that it was now becoming second nature for me to take the stairs and not the elevator. I chuckled to myself before hitting the down button on the elevator since unlike in Miami; we were on the 15th floor here. The elevator opened to the lobby and I walked out turning on my blackberry for the first time in two days. 25 missed calls, 15 text messages and 9 voicemails. My head started spinning. Even though the past couple of days were insane it was nice to not actually have any of my shit going on on top of it. I clicked on the missed call list and saw my mother had called me numerous times as well as Trace, Rachel, Johnny, my publicist, JC, Justin and my agent. I scrolled down to Justin's name and clicked send to make sure we were still meeting for lunch as I pushed the door to the lobby open and looked up immediately blinded...

"Justin what are you doing in Boston?"

"Justin over here."

"Justin who is the girl you've been seen around town with?"

"Justin is it true that you eloped?"

"When is the baby due Justin?"

"Justin just smile once for the camera!"

"Justin how long are you here for?"

"Justin is it true you're looking to buy a house here?"

"Shit," I mumbled to myself trying to walk through the mass of people to the car. I pulled the keys out of my pocket just as Justin answered the phone.

"What's up J?"

"Hey are we still on for lunch?"

"Yeah man. What's with all the commotion?"

"I'm in the middle of 50 men with camera's trying to figure out what the fuck I'm doing here. I'll meet you there in 10."

"Good luck with that."

"Thanks, bye." I hung up the phone and saw the car a few feet in front of me. I opened the door hitting someone's legs in the process and jumped in trying to adjust my eyes. I pulled my sunglasses off of the visor putting them on my face in an attempt to shield the flashes. It took me a good 5 minutes to get out of the parking spot and weave in and out of the cameras and onto the main street. I knew it was coming and I was prepared for it, but it still kind of brought me down. We had just gotten over some pretty serious stuff and without any time to ourselves to recover from it this was about to invade our lives forever. Stopped at a red light I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed her number. After a few rings she finally answered.

"Hey lover."

"Hey, how's the studying coming?"

"Just magnificent. I'm really enjoying myself," she said sarcastically, "how's lunch?"

"Not there yet, listen if you had any intentions on going out...don't."

"And why not?"

"Because there are about 50 paparazzo standing outside the hotel waiting to get a good shot of you."

"How did I know this was going to happen to day?" she sighed, "Ugh hold on a second J I have another call." She clicked over just as I pulled into the restaurant parking lot. I looked around before I got out of the car and saw cameras already surrounding my car. I threw on a baseball hat that was sitting on the passengers seat and got out of the car and walked right back into the mess. People screaming my name asking stupid questions and being down right rude. If there were one thing in my life I could change it would be this. "Babe," I barely heard her say in my right ear.

"Yeah...hey."

"Jesus where are you? You sound like you're in the middle of a concert or something."

"I'm attempting to walk into the restaurant and I have a million people on my tail, sorry it's kind of hard to hear you."

"So this is what I have to look forward to?"

"Unfortunately. So listen, don't go out okay?"

"Yeah that's not really possible since the police station just called."

"What? It sounded like you said the police station just called...Hold on let me get inside so I can actually hear you." I kept walking through the people looking down at the ground so that I wouldn't trip on anything or be completely blinded by the flashes. I put my hand up so that people would stop literally putting a camera in my face and barreled my way to open the door.

"Justin is that the mystery girl on the phone?"

"How long have you been dating?"

"Justin has she met your parents?"

"Justin please one shot to the left."

"What's her name Justin? How did you meet?"

I finally got inside, and no sooner did I open the door, the manager walked outside screaming that if they entered the building the cops would be called. Looking through the black spots that were now in front of me I walked over to the hostess.

"Right his way Mr. Timberlake, we have a table set up for you in the back."

"Thank you," I said to her with a smile. "Ris you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here just getting dressed."

"What happened? What did they say?"

"They said that I need to go down there and identify them or something like that. It makes no sense to me since there was a whole case about it but I guess once the case is closed they have to open up a brand new one and start from square one. So I'll probably have to give a statement, fill out a report and all that shit. It will probably take a couple of hours so I'm going to do it now so that we can spend time together before you have to leave."

"Marissa, can't you just wait until I get back? I really don't want you going alone." The waitress showed me my table and a mouthed thank you to her before shaking hands with Justin who was already sitting at the table.

"Justin honestly I want to do something with you before you leave that doesn't involve drama. Plus do you really think it would be good for you to be photographed walking into a police station?"

"It doesn't really matter because you're going to be photographed walking into a police station." Justin furrowed his eyebrows at me not knowing anything that was going on. I hadn't told him about Marissa yet which was the whole point of this lunch but from the one sided conversation he was hearing I could only imagine what he was thinking.

"Babe, I'll be fine. I'll go out the back door of the hotel or something I won't let them get pictures of me."

"That's easier said then done."

"Justin..."

"Fine, but Eric is going with you."

"Oh because a big black guy isn't going to make them think anything."

"You don't know what it's like out there. If you're spotted they'll trample you, Eric is going with you and once I'm done with my lunch I'll meet you there okay?"

"I can never win," she said obviously pissed off.

"Not when it comes to your safety you can't. Promise me you'll call Eric?"

"I promise."

"Call me if you need anything, and please be careful."

"Okay I'll see you later."

"Ok bye." I hit the off button and looked up at Justin, "Sorry man this is all one big cluster fuck."

"What the fuck is going on dude? You never get followed in Boston, I felt like I was in LA trying to get into the building."

"I know, I'm sorry. I came here to tell you about my girlfriend, we'd been in the clear for like two days and then I walked out of the hotel to meet you and I was swarmed. I should have warned you..."

About an hour later I had told Justin all there was to know about Marissa. He was someone that I expected would bitch me out about the whole situation but much to my surprise he was totally understanding and actually thought that we were good for each other. We talked about me moving here for a few months and agreed it was the right thing to do especially in the beginning of our relationship with the paparazzi just catching on they'd lay it on her really strong so I needed to be there to support her. He offered to let me move in with him for a couple of months but I had already found a Brownstone that was being rented out that was perfect for me. It was right on Beacon Hill so I would just be about a five-minute walk from her, and it had high security. Tom Brady would be my neighbor, and everything I could possibly need would just be a short walk away.

"So what's the deal at the police station?" he asked me just as we were about to pay the bill.

"Oh that," I said laughing as I took my wallet out of my back pocket shooing him away from paying the bill, "she was involved in...Let's just say a situation a few years ago that never got taken care of and just last night another person involved happened to run into us and now the situation is getting resolved."

"Sounds scandalous."

"Something like that," I said picking my vibrating phone up off the table to read the text she just sent me.

This is taking longer then I thought it would. No pictures taken on the way here. You don't have to come if you don't want to draw any unwanted attention to yourself, I understand.

"I really want you guys to meet, I think you two would really get alone she's a huge sports fan," I continued while typing a response back to her.

Just waiting to sign the check. Glad they didn't get any pictures. I know this can't be easy for you; I'll be there soon keep your head up. I love you.

"From what you've told me about her, I'm a little tempted to steal her away from you," he said.

"Back off dude, she's the one. Go find your own," I stood up smiling leaving a good tip for the waitress and walking towards the back door where I was instructed to go when I was finished to avoid the insanity out front. I said good-bye to Justin and walked out the back door expecting to be swarmed but I saw a crowd of people gathered to my right screaming at someone else. I stopped in my tracks looking over trying to figure out who it was when someone from the kitchen staff whispered to me that it was Tom Brady. My future neighbor saves the day, I thought, I could get use to this. I sprinted to my car and luck was on my side as I was able to drive away unnoticed.

The police station wasn't more then five miles away but it was the middle of the afternoon in downtown Boston so I was sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic wishing I had the power to fly so that she wouldn't be there by herself any longer. I decided to return some phone calls to take my mind off of it, and the first question out of everyone's mouth was how Marissa was doing. After the second person to ask I quickly realized that half of my phone calls were no longer going to be about me. To some that might be a let down, but to me it was a relief for two reasons. First of all it meant I didn't have to talk about myself all day everyday, and second of all it meant that everyone cared about her and accepted her into our tight knit inner circle. I spoke to Johnny for the first time in a couple of days and confirmed my flight for tonight, and after a thirty minute conversation with my mother I finally pulled up to the police station. I got out of the car expecting flashes in my face, but there was nothing. Relief set over me as I jogged to the doors and opened them without being noticed. I looked to my left and there was a holding cell, turning my head to the right I saw a kid no more then 18 years old hand cuffed to a chair that was bolted into the ground on the phone.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Yeah, hi I was looking for Marissa Mitchell," I said a little shocked at how wide open the station was. I'd never been in a police station with people locked up right as you walked in.

"Right this way sir," the tall husky gray haired officer said. "We're going to have to run you through a metal detector, can I please see some ID." It was the first time in years that someone has actually asked to see my ID. I actually had to do a thorough search through my wallet to find it. I pulled out a bunch of cards and found it right behind my blockbuster card that I hadn't used in about 10 years. He looked at my ID then back up at me, questioning to himself if I actually was who my ID claimed that I am. After a second I saw his face change from serious to embarrassed, "Oh Mr. Timberlake I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you with the hat and glasses."

"Don't worry about it," I said, "It's actually nice to not be recognized for a change." I went through the security screening and the officer took me back to an empty office with only a long conference table and one chair. "Are you going to bring her in here?" I asked causing the officer to turn around before leaving the room and closing the door.

"She's in questioning right now. You've been granted permission to watch and listen to it but we can't have anyone outside of this situation inside the room to influence her answers."

"You're kidding right?"

"I'm sorry sir I'm not."

"She's been through questioning already," I said sternly standing up off the stool.

"I'm sorry this is protocol," he said walking out and closing the door behind him. I sat back down in the stool and about a minute later the mirror that was in front of me turned into nothing but a glass wall and her voice was surrounding me. They had her sitting in a room that had a fold out metal table, and two fold out chairs. She was in one and a female officer was in the other across from her. I saw her hand closed around a clump of tissues, her eyes were puffy and she was looking down at her hands. I stood up and walked over to the wall getting as close to her as humanly possible at that moment. She had her right leg tucked underneath her and she was answering question after question, the same ones over and over again. Every few seconds she'd reach to her left and take a sip of water.

"Did you try and get away?" the woman asked.

"No, I was trapped in an elevator and he threatened me with a knife."

"Who did?"

"He did," she said pointing to a picture that was lying on the table.

"Who is he?"

"Victor," she said loudly, "God I told you this three times already."

"Ma'm we're just trying to get the facts."

"You have the facts, he raped me in an elevator what more do you need to know? He threatened me with a knife and raped me. You have pages upon pages of statements and reports from three years ago do I really need to do this again?"

"As I told you before that case was closed and in order to open up a new one we have to do this again."

"Brandon turned himself in and told you it was Victor I really don't think this is necessary."

"Please, just a few more questions."

"GOD, Fine!" she said leaning back in her chair looking up at the ceiling. To anyone else she just looked annoyed, but to me I knew she was trying not to cry and this was tearing her up inside reliving this again.

"Did you feel pain?"

"Yes, I mean no...I don't know I went numb. After I was in pain for weeks but while it was happening my whole body just went numb and I kind of made myself space out and go into a different world." This was killing me to hear. She's told me all of this before but to hear it all again and to hear more details was breaking my heart all over again. If I had known they were going to make her do all this again I would have just killed him, it would have been easier on her.

"Did he say anything to you while the rape was occurring?" she rolled her eyes breathing out a big sigh.

"I heard voices, but I can't tell you what they were saying. I was...I imagined myself at a concert; somewhere that makes me happy and relaxed. I sang songs in my head and imagined them being performed on stage. I totally blocked out everything that was happening at the time because I knew if I payed attention to it I'd either do something wrong and he'd kill me or I'd want to kill myself after it was over," she leaned forward on the table, folded her hands and began twirling her thumbs. "I get that it seems strange that I didn't feel anything or I don't remember what was said and to you and everyone else in the world the fact that I didn't try to escape makes it seem like I wanted it to happen, but I didn't, I just wanted to live to see the next day and that was the only way I knew that would happen." I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the window.

"Do you have any proof that this rape occurred?" That was it; I couldn't listen to this anymore. I stormed out of the room and knocked on the door next to the one I came out of. The same grey haired officer pulled me back and asked what I was doing.

"You're asking her for proof of a rape from three years ago. Doesn't a fucking confession mean anything to you people?" I yelled pulling my arm out from his grip.

"Sir you're going to have to calm down or we'll escort you out."

"How can you make her live through this again? This is cruel and unusual punishment. They came in here and admitted to what happened, let her move on with her damn life."

"Justin..." I turned my head to the left and saw her standing there. I ran over and wrapped my arms around her leaning my cheek on the top of her head. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I bent down holding her face in my hands looking at her in the eyes.

"Are you okay? I'm so sorry you had to do this Maris, if I had known..."

"Justin it's fine. Let's just get out of here okay?"

"Okay," I said placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. I put my arm around her shoulders holding her close. Just as we were about to walk past the security checkpoint she spotted a restroom and went to freshen up. I sat down on a wooden chair that was bolted to the ground, tapping my foot and biting my thumbnail wishing I never put her through this. No sooner did I hear the stall door close and lock inside the bathroom, the grey haired officer approached me.

"Mr. Timberlake one of the defendants would like to speak with you."

"I have nothing to say to them," I responded.

"He's requesting 5 minutes of your time sir." I sighed not wanting to ever see Brandon's face again and knowing if I ever stepped foot in the same room as Victor he wouldn't be breathing within 30 seconds.

"5 minutes," I said getting up. He walked me over to a holding cell and I saw Brandon sitting on the bench in the far corner. He put the key in the door to open it for me but I wanted no part of being near him, "No need to open the door, he can talk to me through these bars," I said. He nodded and walked away after telling me to call if I needed anything. I watched him walk out of sight and turned back to Brandon. "What do you want?"

"I know you're mad and that you hate me and don't want to talk to me but I think there's something you should know."

"Get to the point I don't have all day."

"You need to look out for her. Victor runs with a bad crowd and is really violent. He has a record and even though he'll get jail time for this, once he's out I wouldn't put it past him to hunt both of you down and try and kill you. With you being in the public eye and all it will be easy to find you too, so I'm just telling you to watch your back."

"We're good with that, I have a security team," I said annoyed.

"Look man I'm serious. That dude has crazy mental issues, he's not even my friend he never was."

"So you let some crazy dude with metal issues rape your girlfriend of three years?" I asked.

"No," he sighed getting up and walking over to the bars, "I know you won't believe me when I say this but this is the truth. I started doing drugs and he was my dealer, I owed him a shitload of money and I couldn't come up with it. He told me he wanted my girl and if I didn't give her to him he'd shoot me. I didn't believe him until he whipped out a gun and held it to my head, so it was either I let him do that or he killed me. I got so fucked up before we went to the hotel because I knew I wouldn't be able to let him do it if I was straight. I didn't want him to do it dude and I fought him until I knew he'd kill me if I fought anymore. I loved her man, I loved her just as much as you do right now but I had to let him do it. I didn't watch him do it, and I was screaming for him to stop the whole time. I knew I had to make her hate me after that because she couldn't be a part of my life without getting hurt again, so I hit her. I'm not proud of any of this, and I've lived for the past three years with this guilt hanging over my head. She thinks our relationship was a fraud, and that's not true but I want her to believe it was because being involved with me would get her killed and I cared too much about her to let that happen. Protect her Justin; don't let him get near her. She's finally happy again, don't let him take that away from her for a second time." I stood there dumbfounded not knowing if I should believe him or not. His eyes were filling up and my gut was telling me that it was the truth.

"I don't want to believe a word that comes out of your mouth, but something's telling me you're not lying. What you did was...there are no words for what you did. You claim that you were what? Protecting her? If you loved her and cared about her as much as you claim you wouldn't have been doing drugs in the first place and you wouldn't have put her in the position she was put in. There's one big difference between you, and me and that difference is that I WOULD take a bullet for her. I would die for her so that she wouldn't have to go through that pain. You're telling me I need to protect her from shit that you started; this all comes back to you in the end. YOU fucked up her life, YOU took her happiness away, YOU did this. Without you none of this would have every happened. I hope that hangs over your head for the rest of your life. Marissa will be fine, I don't need you to tell me to protect her I have that under control."

"I'm sorry Justin, for everything I ever did to her or let happen to her. I loved her, I still do love her. I don't expect you to believe that, but I was just trying to save my life."

"Too bad you should have been more concerned about hers," I said turning around and walking away. I walked back to the bathroom and saw her sitting in the chair. My mind was racing, I couldn't tell her what he said because she'd freak out and that was the last thing she needed right now. She would be fine, as long as she was with me no one would be able to get a hold of her and even attempt to harm her. She caught my eye and stood up walking over to me.

"Hey where did you go?" She got up on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss.

"Sorry...I just...had to make a phone call."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," I immediately felt awful lying to her but I had to, to protect her. "Ready to go home?"

"More then ready," she said lacing her fingers with mine. We walked out of the police station to a paparazzi free parking lot. I opened the car door for her and slid in next to her. "I'm just so glad this is over with."

"Where are we going?" My eyes were closed and my head was leaning against the window. My head was pounding and it felt like it was going to explode. My day of fun with Justin had turned into a nightmare, because why would anything ever go as planned? Sure it started off nice, breakfast in bed with my sexy boyfriend as dessert but almost immediately after it started going downhill.

"It's a surprise."

"Justin I'm really not in the mood for surprises, my head is pounding, I'm dizzy, and I just want to go be lazy with you."

"We will be lazy after you're surprise." I rolled my eyes at him and put my head back on the window. We were sitting in traffic because it was 5:00 in the afternoon in the middle of downtown Boston, one of the reasons why I took the train everywhere. He knew I wasn't really mad at him, which is probably the reason why he wasn't fighting with me right now. I was being a total bitch, I knew I was but I couldn't stop myself. "Close your eyes."

"My eyes have been closed for the past half hour."

"Okay well keep them closed." He parked the car and opened my door putting his hand over my eyes that were already closed and helped me out of the car. We walked up what seemed like a hundred stairs before he took his hand off of my eyes and told me to keep them closed. I heard him take keys out and put one in a door of some sort and heard the door close behind me when we walked in. "Okay...open." I opened my eyes slowly to see I was standing in the kitchen of what seemed like a mega mansion. Beautiful cherry wood hardwood floors, granite counter tops, modern cabinets, a refrigerator the size of my dorm room. I looked to my left and saw the hardwood floors continue into the living room/dining room. I walked through the entire first floor of the house and ended in the formal den. The whole house was empty except for a beautiful white Steinway Grand Piano. I looked behind me and Justin wasn't anywhere in sight. I walked over to the piano and pulled the bench out, sitting down and running my fingers along the keys. I closed my eyes again and started playing the first song I ever taught myself to play. I was humming along and didn't even hear Justin walk in the room and sit down next to me until he started singing.

Well I heard there was a secret cord,
That David played and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music do you?
Well it goes like this,
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift.
The baffled king composed hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.

Well your faith was strong,
But you needed proof.
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and her moonlight
Overthrew ya.
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair.
And from your lips she drew a hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

I played the last note and it took a few seconds for me to open my eyes. The first time I heard that song I was probably four years old sitting in church. From that point on I hadn't missed Sunday mass until three years ago. Church and my faith was a huge part of my life, and after all the drama that took place it kind of became non-existent. It was hard for me to believe anymore, everything was just too hard.

"I didn't know you played."

"I haven't even touched the keys to a piano in years."

"You're really good Maris."

"I mean I guess I'm okay. I never took a lesson or anything just kind of taught myself." He kissed the side of my head and we sat, not saying anything. I started crying, something I had become accustom to doing on a daily basis now. I was so confused. I was happy one minute and the next minute I'm back to reliving something I never wanted to again. Smiling then tears, tears then smiles. I felt like I was being pulled back and forth and it was getting exhausting. Twenty minutes ago I wanted to jump of a bridge and now I'm sitting here living a dream, playing a Steinway piano with Justin Timberlake sitting next to me singing along with me. What girl doesn't dream of his voice singing in their ear and only their ear. It was at that moment though that I realized how messed up and different my life had become. Everything I ever knew and loved to do was gone. I'd knew I'd probably never see my parents again, my faith had gone down the drain, my cousin who was my rock was gone, most of my friends were non-existent because I closed myself off to them, I wasn't me anymore. I leaned my head on his shoulder and squeezed my eyes shut willing the tears to stop coming. "I'm sorry," I said in a little more then a whisper.

"What are you sorry for?"

"Being an emotional mess. You've had to deal with me crying from the moment we met."

"It's been a rough couple of weeks, you're allowed to be emotional."

"I use to go to church ya know...every week I'd be there. Sitting in the same pew," I said after a few minutes.

"Why don't you go anymore?"

"I don't know to be honest. After everything it was just hard for me to believe anymore. I felt like I did all this praying, I volunteered my time to youth ministry, I taught Confirmation starting the year after I received it, and then that happens and I felt like I had done all that stuff for so many years and it was all for nothing. How could God let this happen to me you know? I miss it though. I miss having a routine. I miss...God I miss everything Justin. I'm so confused. It's like when I'm with you I'm happy but I'm also in some sort of dream world, and then you go away or life happens and everything comes tumbling down again. I just want to be happy all the time, and I don't want to go through all of this crap and make you go through all of it with me."

"No one is happy all the time Marissa. You have every right to be sad and confused, no one is saying you shouldn't be."

"I just don't feel like me anymore. Half the time I feel like I'm dreaming and the other half I feel like I'm having a nightmare. I want stability Justin. I want to wake up and know what my day is going to be like, and know where I'll be in a week. I want to know that at any moment my life isn't going to spiral out of control. I guess I just want to be in control of my life and I feel like I'm not anymore."

"So take control of your life. You are the only one that can control your life Marissa, everyone else around you can only try and guide you in the direction they want you to go in. But in the end you are the one that makes the decisions. If you want to be happy then wake up in the morning and be happy, surround yourself with people and things that you know are going to make you happy. Go back and do the things that use to make you happy. Make a conscious effort to not do the things or think about the things that get you sad. You can be happy if you let yourself be happy."

"Why do you always have the answers?"

"Because I'm perfect remember? You always seem to forget that." I picked my head up off his shoulder and scrunched my nose up at him. "I love you Maris, and I'm going to be there to support you and have your back in everything. You're strong, remember that."

"I love you too Justin, and thank you."

"Your welcome baby, but can I tell you the real reason I brought you here?"

"Sure, I'm ready for it." He spun around and straddled the bench so he was facing me.

"This house..."

"Yeah..."

"It's mine."

"EXCUSE ME?" I yelled my eyes popping out of my head.

"This is where I'm going to live when I'm here."

"Please tell me you didn't buy this house Justin."

"No no no...I'm renting it, but I did give some major thought into buying it."

"This place is amazing Justin. Go big or go home was your theory I'm guessing."

"It wasn't really the size that mattered to me, it was the security and the proximity to you that I cared about." I turned my head and looked out the window and saw the top of the State House when I looked down. We were in a Brownstone on Beacon Hill, which was five minutes away from my dorm. "And I was wondering if you'd maybe help me decorate."

"Of course J, I'd love to help you decorate, do you want to start now?"

"No, we're not starting now because we're going to be lazy until I need to leave."

"Right..."I said trailing off forgetting that he was flying out tonight.

"So I was thinking while I'm gone and in between your finals you could maybe go pick everything out."

"You want me to furnish this house myself? How can I pick out what's going to be in your house without you babe?"

"I trust you, I'm sure I'll love everything."

"I hope you don't regret that Mr. Timberlake."

"Don't make me regret that Ms. Michell."

"Does the piano get to stay? Because I'd really like to start playing again."

"The piano's staying. I actually had this shipped from my house in LA, I've had the urge to start writing again and I was thinking these next couple of months would be a perfect time."

"You never fail to amaze me." I kissed him and ran my fingers over the keys one last time before getting up and pushing the bench back in. He showed me around the rest of the house before walking back to the car and sitting in more traffic on the way back to the hotel. "Do you think they'll be waiting for us at the hotel?" He knew who "they" were and I saw him take a breath before answering.

"Probably, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

***

We pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and I saw them standing there just waiting. There had to be at least 30 of them. Justin pulled down the visor in front of me and made me block my window with my hand. He threw a zip up sweatshirt that he had in the backseat at me and I put it on pulling the hood over my head and dug for my sunglasses in my bag. This was it. The moment I had dreaded for the past two weeks. I was ready for it, but I was scared and I was even more scared because Justin wasn't saying anything and the look on his face was not one that comforted me.

"Say something," I said looking at him panicked.

"Whatever you do, don't let go of my hand. They're going to yell and scream at you and it's going to be hard to see and they're going to say really mean things but don't listen to any of it just focus on holding my hand and following the path that I make okay?"

"Okay," I reached for the door handle.

"NO," he screamed and I pulled my hand away like I had just burnt it on a stove, "Don't get out until I come around and open the door."

"Justin you're making me more nervous..."

"Sorry...I'm sorry. Just...just wait for me okay? Everything's going to be fine," he was fiddling with his phone and putting all of his belongings in his pocket not looking at me or easing my worries at all.

"Justin...please..."

"It's fine..."

"You're not even looking at me and you're face has no color in it." He stopped what he was doing and looked at me, softening the look of fear on his face and putting his hand on mine.

"It's going to be fine, I promise. Just follow me, keep your head down and don't listen to anything they say. I promise you. I'd kiss you to reassure you but that probably isn't the best move right now."

"Okay..."

"Alright, let's do this then." He let go of my hand and opened the car door. I watched as people shoved cameras in his face and pushed other people out of the way to get the money shot. They were screaming at him asking what my name was and when the baby was coming. He ignored them and pushed his way through to my door. I took one last deep breath and told myself I'd be fine before my door opened and I heard everything 10 times louder. The flashes were blinding once the tinted glass of the window was taken away and I barely made out Justin's hand reaching for mine. I intertwined my fingers with his and put my bag over my shoulder before getting out of the car and closing the door. I expected to be screamed at and I expected the flashes but I didn't imagine how difficult it was going to be to walk. They wouldn't let Justin through and we were surrounded from all sides. I kept my head down like Justin said and watched the back of his feet as my hands started sweating and my heart started racing. I knew we weren't that far away from the entrance but it seemed like it was miles away. One step at a time we were making our way through and I was trying to ignore the screaming and the questions, but it was kind of hard to do when they were screaming directly into your ear. Some questions weren't so awful, they'd ask for my name and how we met, how long we've been together, things like that. Then others were just hurtful, they'd tell Justin he could do better, I was too fat for him or I was ugly. They asked him why he was dating a nobody and said I was just the flavor of the month. Then they'd ask when we were getting married or when I got pregnant, it was just out of control. I could faintly hear Justin begin to yell for them to move when I tripped over someone's foot. I caught my balance before I fell, but it caused Justin to turn around, and when he saw why I tripped he started swearing and flipping out on everyone. We finally had a path to get through when Eric came outside and basically moved everyone out of the way. Once the doors closed behind us the screaming was muted and black dots started to form everywhere. He pulled me towards the stairs out of view and stopped holding my shoulders out in front of him and bending down to look me in the eyes, "Are you okay? Did you get hurt?"

I was blinking a hundred times a minute trying to get my full vision back, and I could feel my heart start to slow down again, "Yeah I'm...I'm fine..." It was then I realized that my hands and knees were shaking and I was only standing up due to Justin supporting me, "...just give me a second." I sat down against the wall to catch my breath, steady my breathing and wait for my knees to stop shaking so I could stand up again. He sat down next to me and I put my head on his shoulder and my hand in his.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I was expecting crazy just not that crazy, I just need a second to get my bearings back. It was my first time it'll only get easier from here."

"I wish I could say you were right," he said kissing the top of my head.

"What do you mean?" I picked my head up off of his shoulder and glared at him.

"This was nothing compared to LA and New York, it never really gets easier you just get use to it." I closed my eyes and hit my head on the wall behind me. It's only going to get worse, and after tonight I'm going to be doing it on my own. I thought I could handle it, I thought I was prepared for it but now I'm just not sure. "I'm sorry babe, I understand if..."

"Shut up Justin, don't even say what I think you're going to say, you know that cameras and people screaming at me and tripping over someone's foot are not going to make me run. So don't even say it, I'm fine." I stood up and extended my arm for him to take. He wrapped his arms around me and I could hear his heart beating just as fast as mine was, and for some strange reason that made me feel a little bit better. "Race you," I said as we got to the doors of the stairwell before taking off. We ran up 15 flights of stairs laughing like little school children the entire way, and both of us keeling over to catch our breath when we got to the top.

We watched a movie before Justin violently but welcomingly ripped my clothes off and made love to me on the couch. We moved to the bedroom and got under the covers, my head was pressed up against his chest and his arms were wrapped around my waist, his thumb rubbing my lower back. "Tell me something," I said into his chest.

"What do you want me to tell you?"

"Something about you that I don't already know."

"Hmmm..." he said before pausing trying to think of something, "I'm a perfectionist."

"Really? Do you really think I didn't know that?"

"Okay...let me see. Oh I've got one...I've never shared a house with a woman besides my mother."

"You haven't? I thought you bought a house with Britney and Jessica."

"Don't believe everything you read. I just never felt like I should share a house with someone I wasn't positive I was going to spend the rest of my life with, it's just too complicated. They didn't like that very much, but I'm stubborn so it never happened."

"You never thought you'd marry either one of them?"

"I guess not, no. I just feel like when you're going to marry someone you'll know and I didn't. What about you? Tell me something I don't know about you."

"When I was little, I think I was in the first grade my mother deemed it necessary for me to have a short haircut so that I looked like a little boy, and I went to this wrestling match with my Uncle and Frankie. I dropped my ticket after handing it to the guy, I picked it up and the guy goes 'Thank you sonny.' I'd never been so embarrassed in my life until I went to school the next day and asked for a Chocolate Milk and the lunch lady turned to someone else and said, 'Get this little boy a chocolate milk.' My hair has never been cut above my shoulders since then." Justin started hysterically laughing and my head was bobbing up and down with his chest. I couldn't help but laugh with him because I'd never seen him laugh so hard and it was contagious.

"That was a two for one," he said trying to catch his breath, "First that you looked like a boy, and then there's the fact that you liked wrestling enough to actually go to a match."

"Hey! The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels was there, don't hate!"

"The more I find out about you, the more reasons there are to love you."

"Can I ask you another question?" I said after a few minutes.

"You can ask me anything." He kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes as his lips lingered.

"Did you always know what you wanted to do with your life?"

"No, when I was three I really really really wanted to be a fisherman for some reason, but that didn't last very long. I knew what I loved to do from a really young age and I was lucky enough to have parents that recognized that and let me do things that involved what I loved."

"If it all got taken away, if the fans got taken away and the money, your cars, your homes, all the perks, everything...would you still do it?"

"There is no doubt in my mind that I would still be doing it. I'd sit in a train station and play the guitar and sing for pennies and dimes, it wouldn't matter to me because it's what makes me happy. Everything else is just an added bonus. You my friend need to quit worrying about what you're going to do after college because I know that's why you're asking. I was one of the few that actually knew early on what I wanted to do, I'm the odd one out here."

"I know, I'm not worried, I just want to know," I lifted my head up and put it down on the pillow right next to his, "if I could choose any job in the world I'd choose laying in bed with you like this for the rest of my life."

"Your gross annual income would be zero dollars."

"But I'd be happy and that's what matters right?"

"Touché Ms Michell. Touché." 

"You have to go soon don't you?" I looked up at the clock and it read 9:00. He was taking the red eye to San Francisco, doing a show tomorrow night then driving back to LA for his last two shows.

"I was thinking about just canceling the rest of the shows and just taking a week off of my break and making them up."

"And I was thinking that you're crazy. Do you're shows Justin, it's what you love."

"But I love you too."

"And I'll be fine here for two days while you're doing your shows. I have Amy and Luke, and first thing Saturday morning I'm flying out for your last show and then we have two weeks of nothing to do but be together. We have to get use to being apart sometimes because we won't be attached at the hip forever." 

"Are you sure you're going to be okay with people following you and all that mess?"

"I'm strong remember? I'll be fine." I got up and went into the bathroom because if we kept talking about it I was going to give in and tell him how I actually felt. I was scared shitless and I didn't know how I was going to do it alone. I didn't want him to walk two feet away from me never mind be across the country. I wasn't sure if  I could handle life as I knew it before Justin Timberlake became a part of my life, and before I lost my cousin. Everything about my life had changed and even with him gone and life going back to as normal as possible it was still going to be a challenge and something new everyday. I couldn't show him that I wasn't as strong as he thinks I am, and I wasn't about to be that girl that depends on him for everything. I splashed some water on my face and packed up everything that had accumulated in the bathroom before walking out and packing up the rest of my stuff. When I was finished I brought my bags to the door and sat on the couch next to Justin who was yet again watching Sports Center. "Ready? You're flight leaves in an hour and a half."

"As ready as I'm going to be I guess." We walked down the stairs and through the mass of people that were still outside the hotel into the waiting SUV. It was a little easier getting through this time since we didn't have to walk through the parking lot, and the cops had been called because of a fight that broke out after we had gone inside. It didn't take long to get to my dorm, but the silence was deafening. I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid I'd cave, and I could tell Justin was sitting there thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong while he was gone. We pulled up to the back door of my dorm and luckily there were no paparazzi. I leaned over and threw my arms around him, kissing his neck and taking in his scent hoping it would last until I see him again.

"Call me right when you land okay?"

"It will be 4am here."

"I really don't care what time it's going to be Justin I'm probably not going to sleep until you call me anyway."

"Okay I'll call. Please be really careful Maris, try not to go anywhere alone if you can and if you need anything at all call me, I'll get on a plane and come right back."

"Okay I promise I will."

"Good luck on your finals."

"Thanks babe," I said kissing him softly on his lips.

"I love you."

"I love you too Justin. I'll be fine don't worry about me."

"I always worry about you."

"Well don't. I'm fine...WE are fine." He nodded his head and I knew I had to get out of the car. I gave him one last kiss before moving to the door and he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him wrapping his arms around my neck and putting his lips on mine.

"I really don't feel comfortable leaving, with that whole Brandon thing and people finding out I should really stay..."

"You should really go," I interrupted him, "Justin I will be okay I promise you, and if anything happens you will be the first person I call. I love you and in a perfect world you wouldn't be leaving, but this isn't a perfect world. Go, do your job, do what you love and stop worrying so much about me."

"Okay..." he said looking down at his hands, "I'll call you when I land."

"Thank you." I moved towards the door again and this time he let me get out. I took my bags out of the trunk and I walked to his window that was now open. I kissed him one last time before I watched the car drive away. The last time I stood here and watched him drive away I honestly thought I was never going to see him again, but this time everything was different and most importantly I was different. It was still going to be hard, but this time I knew that in two days I'd be back in the arms of the man that I'm madly in love with and all of it will be worth it for that one moment.

I walked upstairs and threw my bags on the ground next to the door and flopped onto my bed.  Who would have thought that a little less then a week ago all of the shit that has happened since the last time I layed in this bed alone would have occurred. I heard a knock on my door and then Amy appeared in the doorway holding a vase full of Crazy Daisy's one of my favorite flowers because I loved bright neon colors.

"Hey, these are for you."

"Thanks Amy, you didn't have to get me flowers though."

"I didn't," she said laughing. I took the vase out of her hands and pulled the car out from its holder opening it slowly. I turned the card over and saw his messy handwriting all over it and a smile instantaneously appeared on my face.

Marissa No Middle Name Mitchell,

I've told you a thousand times this past week how strong you are and how proud I am of you. You've been to hell and back and handled it so well. I love you so much and as annoying as the cameras are I'm so glad I get to show the world my beautiful, strong, amazing girlfriend. Keep your head up and keep a smile on your face. Allow yourself to be happy. I love you, and I can't wait to see you in two days!

Love always,

J

I reread the card over and over again and my smile got bigger and bigger each time. This man is changing my world one bouquet of flowers at a time.

"He's a pretty amazing guy," Amy interrupted my thoughts.

"I'm in love with him Amy. Completely and utterly in love with him. Who would have thought something so amazing would happen to me?"

"You deserve it Maris, you really do."

"Thanks Am..."

"Okay enough with this mushy stuff," she said taking the vase out of my hand and putting it down on my desk, "Tell me what he's like in bed! Tell me everything. Does he sing to you? Does he lick his lips even when he's not singing? How does it feel to be dating America's most wanted bachelor? Tell me tell me tell me!"

"He's amazing."

"Come on, you're got to give me more then that."

"I don't know what to tell you Amy, to me he's just...Justin." She asked me a million and one questions and I tried answering them to the best of my ability. Some of them I made her skip over because I wasn't about to discuss our sex life with her but it was fun to see her go all teeny on me when I told her about his lip licking and how he sleeps in nothing but a pair of boxers. We stayed up until close to two in the morning talking about him. It was so nice to finally be able to tell someone how I felt, how he made me feel and not be worried about it getting out to the press. I was lying on my back looking up at the ceiling unable to get comfortable without being in his arms when my cell phone rang. I looked down and saw a picture of Justin sleeping with the covers all the way up to his chin and his mouth halfway open, I smiled and shook my head before answering. "I can't sleep without you next to me."

"I'll get back on the plane and fly back then."

"No, I have to study anyway, and I was thinking I'll just pop in a CD and hold my pillow pretending like you're next to me."

"It won't be the same."

"I know, but it's better then nothing. Thank you for the flowers by the way, they're beautiful."

"You're very welcome. I miss you already."

"I miss you too."

"Go get some sleep baby so that you don't fall asleep taking your test tomorrow."

"I love you Justin, so much."

"I love you too Ris, goodnight." I stayed on the phone until I heard him hang up. I hit play on my IHome and curled up in a ball next to my pillow. He was right, it wasn't the same and I didn't sleep but the smile never left my face.

"Musician, actor and entrepreneur Justin Timberlake was spotted out and about with an unidentified female who is rumored to be his new girlfriend in Boston on Wednesday. Photo's have surfaced of Timberlake holding hands with the woman and trying to dodge the paparazzi going in and out of The Liberty Hotel, seen here behind me, Wednesday afternoon. Timberlake was then spotted entering Logan International Airport solo and boarded a plane to San Francisco where he performed last night before traveling back to LA to wrap up his Future Sex Love Show Tour with two shows, one tonight and one tomorrow night at the Staples Center. Calls to his reps about the unidentified woman haven't been returned. Who is this woman? We are all wondering, and how was she able to take America's Most Wanted Bachelor off the market? Maria Menunos live in Boston, back to you in the studio."

It was happening. The rumors were starting, the previews for Entertainment shows were all a buzz and I had at least 30 more people on my trail then normal. Getting back into the swing of things wasn't easy. As much as going to Boston was stressful and certainly wouldn't be considered a vacation, I was able to relax a little bit and not worry about the tour, interviews or photo shoots and it was really nice to be able to do that. The show last night in San Francisco went well, but being back on stage and doing the whole "tour day" thing again just made me realize all the more how much I really needed this tour to be over. I needed a break, maybe even a vacation. Marissa was still in Boston taking finals and handling the cameras and the press there better then I could have ever imagined. She says she doesn't care and it's not really bothering her but anyone who has ever spoken to her for more then 30 seconds knows that that's not true. She's dealing with it though, making sure someone is always with her when she walks to class, and staying in when she doesn't absolutely have to go out. I feel bad because she can't do some of the everyday things she use to, but at the same time she needs to be studying anyway so this will force her to do it. She has her last final today and then she's flying out tomorrow afternoon and will be here for the show tomorrow night. I'm excited to show her LA. She's been here before and she loves it, but she's done all the touristy things its time to show her the real LA.

I had finished my rehearsals and I was heading to the Ellen show to surprise a fan before I had to be back at the venue for tonight's show. Ellen was my favorite show to tape, it wasn't a hassle and I was never nervous. It was just fun. Ellen and I had become close friends over the years and I could always count on her to not ask me questions she knew I didn't want to answer. We pulled up to the lot around noon and got escorted in quickly so that I wouldn't be seen. Once I was safely in the green room everyone left, and I was alone for the first time in God only knows how long. I sat there listening to nothing and it was an amazing feeling. I put headphones in my ears and hit play on my IPod lying down on the couch and closing my eyes. I was about to fall asleep when my phone started to vibrate against my leg. Pulling it out a smile appears on my face when I see it's her calling. I had talked to her earlier and she was about to go take her last final, so this call means she's done and all mine for the next two weeks.

"Hey Ri..."

"Black or White? Quick," she cut me off.

"Uhhh...Black?"

"Good choice, I would have picked black even if you said white."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Couches...Beautiful, oversized, comfy couches. That's what I'm talking about."

"Furniture shopping huh? That must mean you're done with finals right?"

"Yes, done. Thank God! Luke and I drove down to Ikea to get a bedroom set and I think after these couches we're done with the whole house. So much for that one bedroom set thing, this place is amazing, not to mention you sir have an account set up here so I don't have to go through the whole shpeal with using your credit card and having to call Johnny and all that so it all works out."

"Good I'm glad, sounds like you're having fun. How's Luke?"

"He's good, right now he's jumping up and down on couches figuring out which ones have more spring in them. Between him and Trace I don't know who acts more immature sometimes. He leaves tomorrow though to go back to work, I'm kind of bummed it's been really nice having him around again."

"When will he be back again?"

"I don't know probably December the earliest. But at least I have you to keep me entertained until then."

"Oh is that all I'm good for?"

"Yes, that and the sex," she laughed, and I couldn't help but smile when I pictured her laughing reclined on a lazy boy, her ankles crossed, and her hand over her mouth so that she wouldn't be so loud. 

"Good to know," I said trying to keep a normal tone and not laugh, "I feel the same way about you."

"Oh well I'm glad we're on the same page then," I let out a small laugh and looked up feeling eyes on me. Ellen was standing in the doorway waiting to do the pre-interview.

"Listen, I have to go, Ellen's here and we have to go over some stuff before the show."

"I'm still really jealous about the whole knowing Ellen thing, she's my favorite," she said in a singsong voice.

"Well maybe if you were in this for more then the entertainment and sex you'd get to meet her someday."

"Eh, not worth it," she laughed again before I joined in with her.

"I'll call you later, I love you."

"Love you too, and J..."

"Yeah babe?"

"I kind of miss you too"

"Just kind of?"

"It sucks being sex deprived."

"Oh my God...I love you goodbye," I hung up the phone with a huge smile on my face. That girl was too much, but I loved that we could joke around together and it wasn't so serious all the time. I stood up and pulled Ellen into a hug. I hadn't seen her in a really long time, since before tour started actually so I was glad she came in to catch up before the taping actually started.

"Sooooo...tell me all about her," Ellen said as she sat down next to me on the couch.

"All about who?"

"The new girl, don't think I haven't seen pictures and that I can't tell the difference between an I love you to your Mom and one to your girlfriend."

"I can't get anything by you now can I? She's awesome, amazing, incredible...she's every good adjective in the book."

"Mmmhmmm...and how long have you been dating?"

"Well Dr. Ellen, it's still new." She laughed hitting me on the shoulder.

"Still new but I love you's are being thrown around already?"

"Yes they are."

"Is she the one?"

"I think she's the one."

"Whoa! She's solved the mystery of how to win Justin Timberlake's heart. I have to meet this girl because I never thought this day would come."

"And she would love to meet you. Marissa loves you, if you come to the show tomorrow night she'll be there and you guys can meet and I'm sure she'll answer all of your questions, because you are just her fav-or-ite! She was just telling me on the phone how she's jealous that I'm here right now with you."

"Marissa huh? Good name, I like it she already has points with me. I'll be at the show tomorrow, we'll have our girl time and gush about you all night. Can we talk about her on the show?"

"I....don't know about that. She's still in school and stuff. She's already hounded and this is all new for her, I don't want to draw more attention to her."

"So we'll work around it to not "out" her?"

"Okay okay. And I only say okay to you because she'll have a heart attack when she finds out THE Ellen Degenerus was talking about her."

"Good," she said getting up, "Dinner tomorrow after the show? I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever."

"We're having a wrap party after the show, but please feel free to come I'd love to have you there."

"Well then I'll be there. See you out there, I have to get to hair and makeup."

"Thanks E."

***

The taping was off to a great start. I surprised a fan who was literally speechless and brought to tears. She was a 15-year-old girl who had just been told she was in remission. She had been battling leukemia for about three years and when I found out I automatically thought of Frankie and I knew I had to do this show.  She was such a strong girl emotion wise, but I could tell just from hugging her how frail she really was. I gave her tickets and backstage passes to my show for tomorrow night but since the show won't be airing until tomorrow we acted like they were for "today." We were about to go to commercial and I thought I was off the hook when I heard Ellen say, "We'll be right back with more Justin Timberlake." I immediately got nervous. I knew she wasn't going to dig but this was the first time I'd publicly be talking about Marissa and I probably should have checked with her first before I did it. People knew, it was obvious she was my girlfriend, but at the same time by not saying it out loud technically it was only speculation. I noticed that I was tapping my foot, a nervous habit of mine that hadn't made an appearance in a while, there was no getting out of this now.

"Go easy on me," I leaned over and whispered to Ellen while they were putting foundation on her face.

"Are you sweating Timberlake? I didn't even know it was possible for you to sweat."

"I'm a little nervous about this...just go easy."

"If you don't want to answer something just say so and I'll drop it I promise, but I can't say I won't try."

"Deal." I sat back in the chair looking out into the audience. The studio wasn't really that big, but bigger then a lot of other daytime talk show studios. Suddenly I felt all eyes on me as I was about to break this news to the world. The stage lights came back on and everyone started clapping. I looked at Ellen with pleading eyes and she patted my knee before looking into the camera and continuing with the interview.

"We're back with Justin Timberlake who is wrapping up his tour tonight at the Staples Center. Now Justin you've been in the headlines recently because of a mystery girl you were spotted with earlier this week in Boston."

"Really? I had no idea Ellen," I looked at her with a confused look in hopes of some comic relief more for myself then anyone else.

"Yes really, there was a girl you were spotted holding hands with. She's quite the mystery and people have been trying to figure out who she is exactly."

"You know what Ellen, so am I. I still don't know who she is exactly."

"Well does she have a name?"

"She does have a name..."

"Do you care to share it with us?"

"I don't," I said with a smile shaking my head and laughing nervously.

"Do you care to share anything about her with us?"

"Do I care to share anything about her with you? Good question."

"One that you might answer? I didn't think it would this hard to get something out of you!"

"Here is what I can tell you about her. She's pretty freakin' awesome, and she's managed to change my perspective on life fairly quickly. I think we all take life for granted sometimes and we don't realize what we have and appreciate it until it's too late. She's made me step back and actually look at what I have, and appreciate it and be grateful for it. She's made me a better person, and for that I'm forever indebted to her. She's strong and intelligent and funny. She's a great person that I hold very close to my heart. And I've said too much already..."

"Your ear to ear smile makes me believe that she makes you pretty happy."

"I am happy...the happiest I've been in a really long time Ellen. I mean look everyone knows I don't like to talk about my personal life. My relationships are private and I like to keep it that way, and my relationship with her is something really special and something that I cherish a lot, so I'm not about to all of a sudden be Mr. Open and talk about it so my mouth is zipped shut from here on out. It's an Ellen exclusive."

"Well thank you for that exclusive! Moving on now to your tour, you're wrapping it up how does it feel?"

"I've been on the road for over a year now, and as much as I've enjoyed traveling city to city and performing every night, it's exhausting and I'm definitely ready for a break."

"Will you be recording during your break?"

"Maybe. I'm taking a couple months off to just relax and wake up in the morning with no set plan but you never know. In order for me to record an album or even write a song I need inspiration so once I get some you'll see me recording."

"So no inspiration from the new lady in your life?" I threw my head back and put my hand over my face.

"You never know Ellen, you never know."

"Well I heard a little bit about her before the show and I heard that she was a fan of the show so I wanted you to bring her back a little something from me," she reached behind her and pulled out a box from behind her chair putting it in my lap. I pulled the top off and pulled out a pair of black panties. I immediately threw them back in the box and I could feel my face turning beat red and a nervous laugh erupted. "Hold them up tell the people what she's won."

"Oh Ellen...why do you do this to me?" I held them up and read the front out loud, "I love Justin."

"And now turn them around..."

"But I love Ellen more...she is going to die over these!" I leaned over and gave her a hug thanking her and telling her I was going to kill her at the same time.

"Justin Timberlake wraps up his show tonight so get there before it's too late," she said into the camera, "Thanks to Justin and all of our guests today, tune in tomorrow when we'll be sitting down with Jon and Kate Gosslin and Jake Gyllenhal. Bye everyone!"

I stood up giving Ellen another hug and walked over to the audience with her. I signed autographs and took pictures for about an hour before I had to leave to get to the venue. I think the interview went as well as expected. I didn't give too much away but I didn't outright deny anything. This was a step, one that I didn't like that much but it came along with my job. I just hope that Marissa wouldn't be too upset about it. I called her before the show and told her that Ellen  gave me something for her and she screamed so loud I thought I may be deaf after she stopped. She couldn't believe I actually talked to Ellen about her, this whole friends with famous people thing will never sink in with her I've concluded but it gave me all the more reason to not tell her that she'd be meeting her tomorrow. I couldn't wait for her to land tomorrow, and I couldn't believe how much I actually missed her after such a short period of time. She sounded happy, and I could tell that she was smiling when she talked to me. I was excited to have a happy Marissa come visit me tomorrow, it seemed like she was taking what I said to her about being happy and running with it and I was so glad she was because she really did deserve to be happy.

***

I woke up Friday morning, the day of my last show of the tour. We made schedule changes so that I was able to finish up a day early, and make up the shows I missed the beginning of the new year. It was 5am and I had a day full of press to do and a photo shoot for People Magazine around noon. The one bad thing about doing a show in LA is that the day is always packed because so much is located here, magazines, TV Show, Satellite Radio etc...I headed out early to do a taping of Good Day LA, then to the Craig Ferguson Show, Jay Leno, and I wrapped up with an interview with Ryan Secrest for E! News and for his radio show. Everyone asked questions about me and Marissa and I said the same thing to all of them, my personal life is private and I won't be discussing it during interviews. I headed over to the photo shoot and I was already drained. The shoot went pretty well, and quickly which I was pleased about and about half way through Rachel told me that Marissa's flight got delayed due to high winds in Boston. She insisted that she at least buy her ticket to LA and I agreed which meant that she was flying coach on Jet Blue and now I was regretting letting her do it. If she just let me get a plane for her this wouldn't be happening and now she might not make it for my last show. I had no time at all to talk to her today, and when I got out of the shoot at 4:00 her phone went straight to voicemail which I was hoping meant she was in the air. If she had just taken off she wouldn't make it for the show, so I was praying she hadn't left much later then a couple of hours ago.

I got to the Staples Center for sound check a little late and was already aggravated with how my day was going. We did a show here last night and we had some major technical difficulties that at first didn't bother me so much but once they continued made me really pissed off. I work so hard to put on shows that are the best for my fans and when they go wrong and it's not my fault and it's something preventable it really aggravates me. So today I made sure I had extra time for sound check, and fixed problems during it myself. By the time 8:00 rolled around Pink was on stage and Marissa still wasn't here. I had a headache and was in a foul mood but it was my last show and I knew I had to go out with a bang. My parents were here, a bunch of my friends were here, and I knew that Marissa wanted to be here and the fact that she's not was out of her control. Rachel came into my dressing room just as I put on my first outfit and was warming up my voice to let me know that Marissa had landed and she was just waiting for her luggage. She'd be late, but she was going to make it and that put me in a much better mood. They called me to the stage at 9:15 and I was a totally different person then I was an hour ago. I was ready for this, I was excited, and I was happy. Happy to be doing what I loved to do and at the same time happy it would be over in two and a half hours.

I looked over to where she should have been during My Love and she wasn't there, but I saw about 30 other people including my family and friends and that kept me going. I went backstage to change my shirt after the song expecting to see Melinda behind the curtain but when I turned around to close it and I felt someone grab me by my waist and turn me around I knew it wasn't her. Her lips crashed onto mine and she wrapped her legs around my waist. She jumped off of me after a solid two minutes and unbuttoned my shirt taking it off not saying a word. She threw a clean shirt at me and I put it on not taking my eyes off of her.

"You made it," I said not able to wipe the smile off my face.

"Did you think I'd miss it? I wouldn't miss this for the world." She kissed me again biting my bottom lip before she pulled away. "Get back out there Timberlake, thirty thousand people are screaming your name."

"See you out there?" She nodded her head.

"See you out there."

"Screaming my name?"

"Yeah, in bed tonight."

"I've missed you so much."

"Me too...now go do what you do best. I love you." I kissed her quickly and ran back to the stage and the next time I looked out she was there with my family and friends, with our family and friends. My mother had her scooped up in a hug and Trace had his hand on her back. She was smiling, a big ear-to-ear smile and that was all I needed to see. I made eye contact with he and she blew me a kiss and I went back to being a 12-year-old boy with butterflies in my stomach and a smile on my face. The rest of the show was perfect and as I sat at the piano during the last song thanking the crowd, it hit me that after the 3 shows I have to make up in January, this was it. All the work, all the planning, the promoting everything was over and it made me a little emotional. Singing the song I locked eyes with her every time the piano spun her way, just like I did the first day I met her. This tour meant so much to me, it was like my child but not only that, it brought me to her and I will be forever grateful for it.

*** 

The wrap party was out of control. I rented out a club in LA and it was packed. Marissa got to meet everyone, and I mean literally everyone. She'd see someone famous and have a hissy fit and then when I'd introduce her she'd act like it was nothing. They'd walk away and she'd flip out again, sometimes she was just too cute to handle. Her hand was in mine the entire time and it felt so good to introduce her to everyone as my girlfriend. She was standing next to me at 3:00 in the morning when I stood up on a table in the middle of the room to make a toast.

"This tour and everyone that made it possible has meant so much to me these past three years starting from the first day we all sat down around a conference table and decided we were going to make it happen. We've had our ups and a few downs but we've had each other to lean on the entire time. I don't know how I'm going to make it through life without seeing you guys everyday, or how I'm going to find someone else to bend over so that I can air hump them on a nightly basis. All of you are family to me because every single person in this room made this tour the success that it was. Dancers, backup singers, musicians, promoters, friends, my parents. I will forever be thankful to each and every one of you. This tour brought me so much happiness. It was the first tour I ever had any say in never mind made final decisions on and to have it be as successful as it was, was like watching my own child graduate from college and you all helped me make that possible. So thank you to each and every one of you for everything that you have done for me personally, for this tour, and for my fans. This tour helped me find this girl standing next to me, and for that alone it was a success in my eyes. So thank you for welcoming her into our close knit family and dealing with all the chaos that comes along with me having a girlfriend. Thank you all for everything. So one last time, let's raise our glasses to the Future Sex Love Show Tour, thank you everyone and congratulations!" I threw back my 6th shot of tequila that night and wrapped my arms around my beautiful girlfriend who was as drunk if not more drunk then I was.

The night ended a few hours later and after saying goodbye to a couple hundred people Marissa and I were alone in a stretch limo on our way to my house which I haven't stepped foot in in a few months.

"Where's my present from Ellen?" she asked me in between kisses, slurring her words

"In my luggage that should be at my house by now."

"I watched you on there today you know...you were smokin' hot."

"You are smokin' drunk right now."

"So are you...and you like it Mr. Timberlake. I have to tell you a secret."

"Tell me...I love secrets."

"Secrets don't make friends Justin," she said very seriously narrowing her eyes at me.

"You were the one telling me a secret why are you getting mad at me?"

"I'm not mad I'm just stating facts. But I really do have to tell you a secret...last night after I talked to you on the phone after your show, I couldn't fall asleep because I was wicked horny," I laughed at the fact that she just said wicked and then she leaned in right next to my ear and whispered, "and I...well you know...did something about it while I watched your DVD." My eyes popped out of my head and I was erect within seconds just picturing it in my head. She started laughing uncontrollably. This was something she would have never told me if she wasn't so shitfaced.

"Are you horny right now?" I asked kissing her neck. She threw her head back and moaned biting her bottom lip and nodding her head.

"Are you going to take advantage of me in this limousine?"

"Of course not, I'm going to make you wait until we get to my house and then I'm going to take advantage of you until the sun comes up."

"That's not very nice Mr. Timberlake."

"Well not letting me watch you last night wasn't very nice Miss. Mitchell."

"You are dirty...and I like it."

"I like you, especially when you're drunk and have no sensor."

"Well I like you all the time because you take all the bad stuff away and make me happy again," she leaned down and kissed my mouth her eyes squeezed shut, her hands playing with the curls on my head, "you taste like tequila, that makes me like you even more."

"I knew you were perfect for me the minute you ordered that tequila sunrise." I felt the car stop and I looked out the window and saw my house in front of us, I opened the door and stood up with her still in my arms, her legs wrapped around my waist. "Come on, let's go christen my house."

"I know you're up." His voice was way too loud and it was echoing in my eardrums.

"No yelling," I said pulling the covers over my head and curling up into the fetal position.

"Not feeling good are ya champ?"

"Did you really just call me champ?"

"You insisted I call you champ all night last night when you went shot for shot with me even though I warned you that you would feel like this today. But you don't remember that do you champ?"

"First of all...don't call me champ. Second of all, if you don't stop screaming I will kill you. Third of all there is very little that I remember about last night but I'll sum it up for you. There was Patron, a table, and I'm assuming sex since we're both butt naked. Anything beyond that I don't remember, in fact I don't even know where I am right now if you want me to be perfectly honest with you. And I'm really hoping that we didn't have sex on a table while taking shots of Patron, but that's all I can seem to put together right now." I felt him throw the blankets off of me and light flooded my eyes that I squeezed tighter while searching for the blankets to throw back over my head, but they were nowhere to be found.

"We didn't have sex on a table while taking shots of Patron. We did however have sex in almost every single room of my house including the bedroom which is where you are right now, as well as the kitchen counter, living room floor because you said it would take too much time to walk to the couch, the shower, and on the dining room table."

"So we did have sex on the table."

"Well...yeah, but that's not the table you're thinking of and there was no Patron involved in our sexual escapades."

"I'm so confused, and I have a headache, and I know you're not really yelling but really, just try and whisper. And where the hell did the covers go?" He laughed throwing the covers back over me. I put my head back on his chest trying to remember having sex with him throughout his entire house last night, but nothing was coming to me. I couldn't even tell you what the room I was sleeping in looked like never mind remember us having sex. "You have a comfy bed."

"You said that approximately 50 times last night."

"I haven't been this hung-over since...well ever."

"You were utterly shitfaced last night, but you handled your shitfacedness pretty well."

"That's not even a word Justin, don't try to confuse me even more then I already am."

"You..." he kissed my nose, "are awfully cute when you're drunk and hung-over. How many Advil's do you want?"

"Four..No five...will I die if I take six?"

"How about three?"

"Why do you even ask if you're not going to get what I request?" He didn't say anything just kissed me and rolled out of bed. I flopped onto my stomach and sprawled across the bed that I was only assuming was a king size since my feet didn't hang off the sides when I spread them apart like they usually do. I so badly wanted to open my eyes, get out of bed and roam what is probably a castle that Justin lives in, but I couldn't move. I heard pills being poured, water running, and a few minutes later I heard a toilet flush before I felt hands on my bare back and Justin's weight sitting on my ass. He gave me a massage before getting off of me. I sat up with my back against the headboard and took the three pills Justin put in my hand. "Your hands work miracles," I said opening my eyes and allowing light in which I immediately regretted doing.

"You said that a lot last night too."

"Jesus...I meant the massage."

"Oh I know what you meant." I punched his shoulder and he pretended like I actually hurt him.

"My throat is fucking killing me, I've never had that happen to me when I was hung-over."

"It's probably from screaming my name all night long..." I lunged and attempted to attack him but he grabbed my wrists before I could do anything, and pinned me down on the bed. Normally I wouldn't complain, I'd be all for him being on top of me but I was in no mood to play fight with him so I just let him win. "You're no fun when you're hung over."

"Sorry we can't all be chipper like you after a night of nothing but tequila, tequila and more tequila."

"It's okay...I understand we can't all be as perfect as me."

"Oh okay Mr. Ego." He kissed my nose and got off the bed and it was only then that I noticed he was dressed. "Why are you dressed?"

"I have to run to the office real quick, go back to sleep I'll be back in a couple of hours."

"You're going to leave me all by my lonesome?"

"I'm going to let you go back to sleep so that when you wake up I can take you out to a nice dinner and show you around the real LA without your head pounding, and so that you'll be able to open your eyes more then just a squint."

"Dinner? What about breakfast?"

"It's already 4 in the afternoon babe."

"WHAT? What have you done to me Timberlake?"

"You're hung-over and jet lagged, go back to sleep I'll be back soon and wake you up."

"Fine, but I'm going to roam your house and find dirt on you."

"There's no dirt to be found champ."

"I hate you," I yelled as he walked out the door.

"You love me," I heard him yell back before the door slammed shut. I was able to fall back to sleep for about an hour before I heard the bedroom door creep open. I looked up and saw no one, but I could hear breathing and footsteps. I felt my heart start to race and I began to panic, pulling the sheets up to my chin and frantically looking around. I reached for a phone, any phone really but couldn't find my cell phone that was usually right next to me no matter where I was. The footsteps stopped, then started again and I tried to convince myself that I was just hearing things because there was no reason why I wouldn't be able to see a person standing in what I now saw was a bedroom double the size of my entire house. They were getting closer and closer, and I let out a loud panicked scream when Buckley jumped up on the bed scaring the daylights out of me. He laid down next to me as my heart began to slow to a normal pace again and he placed his head on Justin's pillow. I calmed down realizing that I was just scared shitless over a dog. Somehow Justin's dogs knew that they could walk all over me because I was a softy for dogs particularly Boxers. If Justin were here the dog probably wouldn't even think to enter his room never mind hop up on the bed and take a snooze on his pillow. I let him get a way with it for a little while, but the minute I heard a door close downstairs I shooed him off the bed and out of the room.

It was 6:13 and I figured it was about time I got out of bed. I stood up looking around for something to put on but there was nothing. Where the hell were my clothes from last night? There were four doors in Justin's room, and two of them were to leave the room, because who doesn't have french doors in there bedroom right? I walked over to the third door and walked into a gigantic bathroom with marble floors, a Jacuzzi tub, his and hers sinks and a shower that had shower heads coming from every direction. I couldn't wait to step foot in that shower, I may never come out of if. I closed the door and walked over to the last door opening it and exposing a huge walk in closet packed to capacity with Justin's clothes and what had to be at least a thousand pairs of sneakers. He had his clothes sectioned off. One side was filled with T-Shirts, Sweatshirts, Jeans and Sweatpants, and the other side had his suites, button down shirts, and dress clothes. And of course in true Justin fashion everything was in color order, and his shoes were placed neatly in plastic containers with pictures of what shoes they were in the front. This closet was every girls dream. I jumped up and sat on the island in the middle of the closet taking it all in and trying to pick out what I wanted to wear. I went to go grab a T-Shirt and next to it was a Lakers jersey. We were going to have to have a discussion about that and ship that jersey and any other Lakers apparel he had off to goodwill or something, better yet we should probably just burn it because I'm not sure if I can date someone who is a fan of my rival team. I pulled the t-shirt over my head and it hung down to my knees. No pants needed I guess. I walked out of the closet closing the door behind me and went to go find Justin.

Walking down one of the two staircases I had to choose from, I stepped on my shirt that I was wearing last night. Justin wasn't kidding when he said we had sex in every room in his house, apparently we also had sex on the stairs. I saw the TV flickering in the living room and walked in expecting to see Justin sitting on the couch but was shocked when I saw Trace turn around and look at me.

"Jesus, what are you doing here? I thought you were Justin." He had an evil grin plastered on his face but didn't say anything just looked at me over the back of the couch, laughing. "What? Did I do something?" He lifted his arm, and attached to his pointer finger was something Trace should never have in his hands.

"Looking for these?" He burst out laughing and I ran over grabbing my panties off of his finger.

"You are so gross Trace. It's like dealing with a two year old."

"Hey it's not my fault you leave your shit hanging around all over the house. I wouldn't have anything to act immature about if you didn't leave your panties lying around."

"Ugh, I hate you. What are you even doing here anyway?" I asked sitting down on the couch.

"Justin asked me to come over and make sure you were awake. He's running a little late and wanted you ready by the time he got here."

"Well I'm glad I wasn't sleeping because you're not exactly doing your job sitting here and playing video games."

"I was going to check on you after this game don't you worry champ."

"Oh God you too with this Champ thing?"

"You insisted."

"Well I uninsist. In fact I forbid you to call me that."

"Too late Champ, you're stuck with it now."

"You make me angry Ayala. I'm going to shower, if I'm not out in an hour make sure I'm not sleeping in there." I got up and walked back to the stairs picking up my skirt and my bra on the way over.

"Make sure you put your panties in a safe place," Trace called back to me.

"Your lucky I'm not in the mood to fight Trace because I'd kick your short ass."

I got out of the shower before Trace had to pull me out. I literally sat on the floor of the shower for a good 20 minutes and just let the water hit me from all angles. I got out and wrapped a JRT monogrammed towel around me and walked into the bedroom to find my luggage, and to my surprise Justin was sitting on the bed waiting for me.

"You are supposed to be ready. But I'm not going to complain because you look sexy in my towel."

"I'll be ready in a couple minutes," I said rolling my eyes and giving him a kiss. I opened my luggage and on top was a simple black dress that was not mine, and the tag read Michael Kohrs. I looked up at him and he had a huge smile on his face. "Justin..."

"Don't say anything, just put it on."

"Justin I can't accept this dress."

"And I said not to say anything and put it on. So go put it on, you deserve it."

"I don't..."

"Put it on Marissa. Just put it on and don't say anything."

***

The two weeks I spent in LA was possibly the best and most crazy two weeks of my life. The day after I got there the paparazzi spotted us and it was literally a mob scene every single time we stepped foot out of Justin's house. He wasn't kidding when he said Boston was nothing. We couldn't get anywhere without security, and every time we drove out of a parking space I had to close my eyes for fear that we were going to run someone over. It didn't take them very long to figure out my name and where I went to school and where I worked and who my friends and family were either. We'd turn the TV on every night and there would be a new report about "Justin Timberlake's flavor of the year," with false information about how we met and what our relationship was like. Apparently we were already on the rocks and I didn't like the fact that Justin was on tour, which is why he postponed his shows, and came to Boston to "sort things out with me." The things that people were saying were hurtful, but I had to look past all of it and realize that people that actually knew me, and knew us weren't saying anything to anyone so the people that were didn't matter.

Justin took me to parts of LA that I didn't even know existed and that most people wouldn't even think Justin Timberlake would go to. I also got to go to the studio with him and watch him at work producing some of his artists that he has signed to his label, and we may or may not have rendezvoused in his office on top of his desk. I met his friends, his neighbors, his pool boy and everyone in between. The trip to LA only confirmed even more that I wanted to make LA my home after college. I was getting use to being followed around and as annoying as it was, after a while it was almost like it was normal. Some days I didn't care so much about what they said and other days I wanted to get in their face and smash their cameras on the ground. I tried to never go out alone, but sometimes it just wasn't avoidable and it was on those days when I didn't have the comfort of Justin holding my hand that I wanted to beat the crap out of people.

It was nice being able to visit my family, even though there was always a trail of cars behind me while we were driving there. We arranged for everyone to meet at my aunt's house for dinner one night, and when we got there, there were about 35 cars lining her street all of which were family members who I hadn't seen in a really long time. I introduced everyone to Justin and Dane tagged along with my cousin which I was happy about because that meant Justin didn't have to sit there and be bored listening to family stories since he and Dane knew each other. It was so nice to see my family and know that they still accepted me even though my immediate family didn't.

It took us a few days to pack up everything Justin wanted to bring back to Boston. It probably wouldn't have taken so long if I actually wanted to go back, but I had no desire to get on a plane and go back to real life. It was nice not having to set an alarm and wake up whenever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. And waking up next to Justin everyday was something I don't think I would ever find a problem with. But after two weeks my dream world came to an end and we were on our way back to Boston.

***

I've walked out of Logan International Airport at least 100 times before. I'd roll my bags behind me and go stand on the sidewalk waiting for my ride to pick me up. Never, have I ever had so much trouble not only walking through the airport, but also getting to a car that was waiting for me as soon as I walked out the door. Dealing with this in LA was one thing; I expected it and for some reason it didn't bother me too much. But having it happen at home was something totally different. It hit me hard that now my life was forever changed. Before I was on vacation, it was almost like once we left it would all go away but it certainly didn't. We were followed from the moment we stepped out of the terminal until I passed security in my building.

Walking up the stairs to the third floor with Justin behind me carrying my bags was a bit surreal. I opened the door to my floor and people were literally lining the hallways hoping to catch a glimpse of Justin, and once he stepped into sight everyone started whispering to each other and I even heard some people squeal, but no one said a word to either me or Justin. I'd never felt so uncomfortable in my life. Two weeks ago I'd pass these people in the hall and half of them wouldn't even think to glance at me, and now all eyes were on us and it wasn't the best feeling in the world. Justin put his hand on the small of my back and we walked through the crowd of people to my room. Right before we got to the door someone actually spoke saying hi to Justin. He turned to her being polite as always and said hi back and then she practically ran him over as she jumped on him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He stumbled backwards and wrapped his arm around her back trying to regain his balance and Stephanie the girl who lives across the hall from me started yelling at her to get off of him, while everyone else gasped and held their breath not knowing what to do and say. I knew the girl that now had her legs wrapped around my boyfriend, her name was Kelly and she really was one of the nicest girls on my floor, which was probably the only reason why I wasn't flipping out. I put my bag that I was carrying on the floor and walked over to them.

"Kelly, I love you, I really do but you need to get off my boyfriend." I was surprised at how calm I was considering how uncomfortable I was feeling. I saw Justin's shoulders going up and down, for some reason he found this to be extremely funny. She loosened her grip on him and he put her down so that she was now standing on her own two feet. She was looking back and forth from me to him and Justin could no longer contain his laughter and was now hysterically laughing out loud. I walked over to her and put my hand on her shoulders. "You can do this. He's just another guy walking down the hall. FOCUS GIRL!" She shook her head as if to snap back to reality.

"Sorry...sorry...it's just...well I mean it's Justin Timberlake...sorry...it won't happen again I promise."

"Look," I said turning around and looking at everyone, "I know this might be weird for some of you, exciting for others, and quite out of the ordinary but it is what it is, and I would hope that all of you would have the same respect for me and Justin as you have for everyone else and there boyfriend or girlfriend. I get it, he's a celebrity, but in reality he's just a person like you and me. I love living here and I love you guys and I really don't want to have to move so that my boyfriend can come visit me, so please just act normal around him." Everyone was staring at me and no one was saying anything including Justin. Maybe they didn't expect me to say anything; maybe they thought I was mad I wasn't exactly sure. I looked at Justin and he put his hand out for me to take. "And I'm sure if you want an autograph or a picture Justin would be happy to do that for you." Justin smiled and nodded his head looking around and after a couple of seconds everyone dispersed into there own rooms to I'm sure talk about what just went down.

After unpacking my stuff, Justin, Amy and I headed up to Justin's new apartment to direct the furniture people on where to put things. Once everything was in place, we all stood in the living room and looked around to the entire first floor patting ourselves on the back at how amazing it looked. Justin was really happy with the selections that I made which made me consider a career in interior design for a split second. Both Amy and I spent that night at Justin's place. We stayed up until three in the morning playing Taboo with him and Trace who came over after all the unpacking was done, before we all crashed. Amy pulled me aside right before we went to bed and started asking me a ton of questions about Trace. It was beyond obvious that she liked him, but wouldn't actually say that to me just yet. I crawled into bed with Justin who was sitting up watching a movie.

"Amy likes Trace," I said looking at the TV.

"Trace likes Amy."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No did she?"

"No."

"How long will it take her to make a move?"

"Less the 24 hours."

"They really are perfect for each other then," he laughed. We stayed up and finished watching the movie with my head leaning on his shoulder. Once it was over he turned the TV off and layed on his side propping his head up with his hand to look at me. "What time is your class?"

"10. And I already don't want to go."

"You'll be fine once you get back into the swing of things."

"Yeah, I guess. I wish I could have just stayed on vacation with you for the rest of my life."

"You'd get bored after a while I'm sure."

"Or I'd just be broke." We both laughed and he placed a soft kiss on my forehead.

"So what's the plan Stan?"

"What plan?"

"How are we going to work around school and your job? Are you going to stay in the dorms or are you going to stay here? What does your schedule look like?"

"I guess I really haven't put too much thought into that," I said sighing and rolling onto my back. "I feel like if I stay here, I'll be distracted and I won't do any work, but at the same time you're only here for two months and I want to spend as much time with you as possible. My schedule is pretty packed. I'm in class until at least 3 everyday and I'm working at least four hours a day everyday. I wanted to be able to work 40 hours a week but it's just not possible this semester so I'm going to cut it down to 30."

"How about we just take it day by day?"

"I think that sounds really good." He turned the light on the nightstand off and pulled me close to him. This is where I could stay forever. "I love you J."

"I love you too baby...and Ris?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really proud of you. The way you've handled all the negative press, and the paparazzi, it's really admirable. I know it's really hard and I appreciate you doing it for me. I promise in a few months when this isn't so new anymore it will slow down at least a little bit, and we'll actually be able to walk down the street without stopping traffic."

"It's the least I can do after all you've done for me. And being able to go to sleep and wake up beside you is worth it to me." I put my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat until I finally fell asleep.

***

May 2008

It had been nine months since Justin had become a part of my life, and those nine months have been the best and most stressful nine months of my life. He moved to Boston for what was suppose to be two months, but eight months later he's still here. He thought after two months he'd get antsy and need to go back to LA and start recording again, but he figured out a schedule and a routine that he was happy with here, and when he needed to go back to LA or New York for something like working with his artists or something for the clothing line, he would and then he'd fly back here as soon as he was done. We worked out a routine for our relationship too. I did my thing, and he did his but there was never a day that we didn't at least talk to each other, and if we had free time we always spent it together or with Amy and Trace who have now been dating for about 8 months.

Justin was right, (much to my dismay, he usually is) the media frenzy slowed down after a couple of months and now instead of having 30 people follow me everyday I only have about 10. And luckily my face is no longer on the cover of the magazines I see in line at the grocery store, it's only on the inside of those magazines now. I haven't had any contact with my parents since the death of Frankie, and I see my sister every once and a while. My friends have gotten use to having Justin around and so has the staff in my dorm room and in the buildings my classes were in. Justin was now just another person walking the hallways, which was a relief to not only him, but to me. My life had done a complete 180 and no longer was there tears everyday, in fact now it took a lot to wipe the smile off of my face. Justin had turned my life around. I was grateful for him before he even knew I existed, and now the love and appreciation I have for him is beyond words.

I had just finished my first semester of my senior year. I was graduating in December, a semester early, which made me feel better about taking all those summer courses, and nothing was more exciting to me then taking the summer and planning my move to LA. Luke had just come back from his year and a half long journey across the country and I was supposed to meet him for lunch today. I woke up next to Justin with a smile on my face and a knot in my stomach. I was just getting over food poisoning and thought I had finished throwing up after a week and a half, but I guess I thought wrong. I ran into the bathroom just making it to the toilet before throwing up again. I was looking at myself in the mirror after washing my face and brushing my teeth when Justin appeared behind me. He had been the prized boyfriend for the entire time that I was sick. He'd make me soup and check on me every hour. He'd even hold my hair up when I threw up which is so much more then I could ever ask for.

"Still don't feel well?" I leaned back against his chest shaking my head, and he wrapped his arms around my waist. "So now probably isn't the best time to tell you that I have to go back to LA for a couple of weeks?"

"No, now probably isn't the best time but its too late now. When are you leaving?"

"Tonight."

"Tonight? Justin why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because you were sick and I didn't want you to be sick and upset at the same time."

"Well thank you I guess, but you should have told me."

"I'm sorry babe. I have some stuff I need to work on with Esme and other random odds and ends that I have to tie up. I'll be two weeks tops. You can come with me if you want to."

"You know I can't come with you Justin, I have to work. It's just two weeks it's fine I just wish you told me sooner."

"Will you stay here and hold down the fort while I'm gone?"

"Yes, because security would totally let someone into your apartment while your gone."

"Well I was thinking that...I mean it's just..."

"Spit it out Justin you can do it," I laughed while I spun around and jumped up on the sink so that I could face him.

"Well I was just thinking that maybe while I'm gone you can move your stuff..."

"Move what stuff?" I asked now concerned that he wanted the little stuff that I had brought to his apartment out.

"It's just...Marissa I..."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked, tears starting to fill my eyes.

"NO...NO...God no. I don't know why this is so hard for me to say." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm asking...Maris...I'm asking you to move in with me."

"You are?" I said letting out the breath that I was holding in.

"Yeah...I mean I love you and this whole going back and forth thing is just so stupid. You spend most of your time here anyway and I've proven to not be as big of a distraction as you thought I would be. You're paying to live five minutes away from me when you spend most of your time here so you're wasting money and I just...I love you and I want to wake up next to you every morning. Plus you're going to move to LA in December anyway so you'll only be moving out a semester sooner then you expected." He looked at me with concerned eyes when he saw the tears actually start to fall. "What? What's the matter? Is it too soon?"

"No...it's not too soon. I'm happy really. It's just that you said you've never lived with a girlfriend before and that you don't want to unless you're going to get married and I don't want you to do this just so that I can save money or whatever."

"That's not why I'm asking you Marissa. I'm asking you because I love you and because I want to live with you. And someday, not today or anything, but someday I do want to marry you. You're it for me, so why put it off any longer. I never said I didn't want to live with someone because we weren't married, I said I didn't want to live with someone I didn't know I was going to marry. But I know I'm going to marry you."

"You do?" I asked brushing the tears from my face. He put his hands on either side of my face and kissed my lips.

"I do. So what do you say?"

"I say...yes. I say yes. But what about Amy? I can't just leave her."

"Well if all goes according to plan, Amy will be moving in with Trace."

"Shut up! Trace is asking her to move in?"

"Trace is asking for a little more then that."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't say anything okay?"

"Fine, tell me," I said now excited and clapping my hands.

"Promise?"

"God I promise Justin just tell me."

"I'm serious Marissa. I know she's your best friend and you tell her everything."

"Justin," I put my hands on his face, well more like slapped them on his face just for more of an effect, "I promise."

"Hesaskinghertomarryhim," he said really fast and then closed his eyes for some strange reason. It took me a minute to figure out what he said and once it sank it I had a hissy fit. I jumped off the sink and started pacing the bathroom.

"HE'S DOING WHAT? HE'S PROPOSING? SHE'S GOING TO DIE! Oh my God Justin she's going to pass out. When? Where? I have to tell her...no I can't tell her. Tell me everything, give me details. Is he going to videotape it because I need to see her reaction. Holy crap this is crazy...crazy I tell you..."

"Slow down..." he said pulling me over to him so I'd stop pacing. "We're all going to go out to dinner when I get back so you'll be there when he does it."

"I can't believe this. I'm so happy for them! Who would have thought this would ever happen? But wait...this means I have to break her heart and make her think I'm moving out and leaving her alone."

"Yes, but don't worry about it, because she'll be over it faster then it took her to get upset. I'm just glad  that you're not upset to be honest."

"Why would I be upset? My best friend is getting engaged and I get to be a maid of honor!"

"I don't know. I was just scared that you'd be upset that she's getting married before you."

"Justin I'm totally not mad about that," I kissed him on his lips and wrapped my arms around his neck. "What we have works for us right now and I wouldn't change anything about it."

"So if I asked you to marry me right now you'd say no?"

"Hell no! I'd scream and cry and say yes a thousand times, but I know neither one of us are ready for that right now so I am by no means sad, upset or mad about them getting engaged before us."

"Good. Now..." he playfully slapped my ass, "want to help me pack before you go to lunch with Luke?"

"Only if I'm rewarded for it." I replied biting on my lower lip.

"Oh you'll be rewarded for it," he laughed picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder running into the bedroom, "I'll reward you right now."

She was squeezing my hand and tears were rolling down her face. Across from me, my best friend was down on one knee holding the hand of her best friend, his girlfriend and asking for her hand in marriage. I never thought this day would come. Trace and I vowed to be bachelors for life at age 8 and now both of us are in committed relationships. Marissa was looking on like she was watching a chick flick and Amy was full out freaking out. Trace pulled the ring that we went to buy two weeks ago out of his pocket and placed it on Amy's finger before she jumped into his arms and said yes about a thousand times. The whole restaurant started clapping and both of there faces turned beet red. Marissa jumped up and ran over to Amy and they both looked like little schoolgirls jumping up and down, crying and hugging each other. I couldn't help but smile looking at how happy and excited Marissa was. She was a totally different person then she was nine months ago. Her tears were now happy tears, and a smile was constantly on her face. She's surrounding herself with people that keep her positive and instead of keeping everything inside, she now speaks her feelings. She's still the same girl I fell in love with, but at the same time she's totally different. I still haven't figured her out completely and I don't think I ever will, but that's okay because it keeps me on my toes. She's perfect for me that much I know and that is all that really matters.

I saw Trace walking over to me out of the corner of my eye and I snapped out of my daze. "Congrats man. Who would have thought Trace Ayala would have been the first one to settle down," I shook his hand and pulled him in for a hug.

"Thanks J. Yet again I have you to thank for this. If it weren't for you and you're stupidity Eric would have never brought Marissa to you, and I would have never met Amy. So thanks for being a jackass."

"I do what I can for my friends," I said with a laugh.

"It's only right that they're best friends," Trace said while we looked at the two girls, Amy was shocked that Marissa knew for the past two weeks and Marissa was relieved that she was able to keep the secret and that Amy wasn't as mad as she thought she was going to be for moving out. "I don't think I'd be able to marry someone that didn't understand how this bromance worked, but now it's like the Brady Bunch."

"I hope you don't think we're going to buy a house together and live happily ever after, because that my friend will never happen."

"Damn, You're crushing my dreams."

"Sorry man, my girl likes to be loud and I wouldn't want to disturb you."

"Okay thanks. Put that on the list of things I don't need to know." I patted his back and pulled my beautiful girlfriend who was walking back over to me into a hug. We finished our dessert and then parted ways with Trace and Amy.

*** 

She was quite in the car, almost too quite. We drove in silence back to our apartment. She was looking out the window most of the time, and when she wasn't she was looking down at her hands, her thumbs twirling. Something was wrong, and I've known this for the past couple of days but I can't seem to figure out what it is. I don't want to ask her because if she wanted me to know she would tell me, but I'm starting to get concerned. She moved in with me three weeks ago and things have been going great. It's been a lot easier with her living with me, not only on our relationship but also with keeping up with the apartment itself. I told her about Trace and Amy before I left for LA and when I came back a week and a half later she was all moved in and everything was looking good. Then two days ago she started getting distant, and last night she went to bed without even saying goodnight. When I woke up this morning she was playing the piano, which was something she hadn't done since the first time she saw it eight months ago. When I walked in she stopped playing and got up giving me a quick peck on the lips then walked into the kitchen and made breakfast. I almost felt like dinner tonight was all an act. She held my hand for the first time in 48 hours and acted like she was three days ago, but the minute we got in the car it all went back to the way things were. We pulled into the parking lot our apartment complex and she didn't move.

"Ris?" She was staring out the front window in a complete daze, "Babe...MARISSA!" She jumped and her head shot over to look at me.

"Huh? What? Sorry I didn't hear what you said."

"We're home."

"Oh, yeah I didn't even realize..."

"I know you didn't realize it because you were off in space..." She reached for the handle and started pushing her door open. I reached over her and pulled it closed, which made her look at me with questioning eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. I'm just tired that's all."

"I don't buy it."

"There's nothing to buy Justin, I'm tired."

"You went to bed at 9:00 last night, I don't think you're tired."

"What now I can't go to bed when I want to?" she asked with an attitude.

"You can go to bed whenever you want, I just want to know what's wrong. I'm not stupid, you haven't been yourself for the past two days."

"I'm fine Justin, I'm just tired, now can I get out of the car?"

"Marissa..."

"JUSTIN! I'm fine," she kicked the door open with her foot, slammed the door and stormed off. I watched her walk into the building and sat in the car trying to calm down and not walk into the apartment mad and cause a fight. Ten minutes later I unlocked the door that she made a point to lock behind her and walked right over to the couch. Our bedroom door was shut and I could hear the music blaring. Any other time I'd go in there and make fun of her for listening to my music but I knew this time it wasn't just for fun, she was upset, or mad or sad at something and this was her way of dealing with it. But what was she upset about? I don't think I did anything to set her off, but there's no other reason why she wouldn't come to me if something was wrong. I turned the TV on hoping that giving her time would help the situation and I must have dozed off. I woke up and the clock on the wall read 1:00am and a rerun of E! News was on the TV. I caught bits and pieces of what Ryan Secrest was saying, as I threw some blankets on top of the couch and set up some pillows. I knew I was in the doghouse I just didn't know for what, and I knew that if I went into bed she'd probably freak out. My head shot up when I heard Ryan say something about breaking news in the world of Justin Timberlake. I sat down staring at the television screen unable to comprehend what I was hearing.

Marissa Mitchell, the girlfriend of superstar Justin Timberlake is making headlines of her own this week. Our sources have told us that Mitchell is dropping out of school because Timberlake is mad that she's spending more time there then she is with him. As previously reported, Mitchell moved into Timberlake's Brownstone Apartment in Boston about three weeks ago. Could the two be settling down? Are the rumors true this time; is Mitchell pregnant with his child? We also have shocking new details about Mitchell's past, coming up in about 15 minutes."

I stared at the screen knowing damn well that I shouldn't believe anything that is said on an entertainment news show, they say things for ratings and mentioning me and my relationship will bring them ratings. She wasn't dropping out of school, she would have talked to me about it first if she was going to, not to mention the fact that she only had one semester left and she worked so hard her whole life to prove everyone wrong, she wouldn't drop out. But something was nagging me inside making me question if what was just said was actually true. She had gotten her grades last week and she'd done really well. If things kept up next semester she'd be graduating with honors. I sat with her to chose her classes; she was excited about graduation there was no way. My thoughts were cut off when I heard Ryan's voice again, and this time I understood what he was saying.

We're back with more breaking news in the world of JT and Marissa Mitchell. We have been contacted by a source close to the couple about Marissa's past drug use and alcohol abuse, which lead to her allegedly being raped. Our sources tell us that when Mitchell was 18 she got high with an ex-boyfriend and was allegedly raped by a mutual friend. The case was thrown out in court due to the fact that Mitchell was in an altered state at the time and didn't have backing evidence. Mitchell continued to abuse drugs and alcohol until she met Timberlake who has helped her become clean and sober. The source also tells us that Timberlake is quote so over Mitchell, but is afraid to leave her because he knows she'll go back to using and he doesn't want to be associated with a druggie. We'll have more on this story as the details continue to roll in. G, what've you got on the flip side?"

There was one sentence of truth in that entire statement, Marissa was raped. Everything else was complete and utter bullshit and it took everything in me to not call Ryan Secrest personally and tell him off. I went to grab my phone to call my publicist and straighten this out immediately when I saw an issue of US Weekly sitting on the coffee table opened to an unflattering picture of Marissa walking down the street with the caption "Back on Drugs?" above her head. I read the article and it mentioned something about the rape in it. This is what she was upset about. They'd dug things up on her and reported stuff about her past before, they've even printed page upon page of false negative information, but they've yet to print an article about the rape and now here it was, front and center with a million lies attached to it. In a way I was relieved that she wasn't mad at something I did, but at the same time I probably should have known or at least have been able to figure it out these past two days. I got up with the magazine in my hand and opened the bedroom door. The lights were still on and she was curled up in a ball on top of the covers with used tissues in her hand. Music was playing lightly and her mouth was open a little making her breathing more defined. I laid down behind her wrapping my arm around her waist; she stirred a little bit and put her hand on top of mine. I wasn't sure what I was going to say to her but I knew I had to do something. I pulled her closer to me knowing that she'd probably wake up, and knowing that she'd probably yell at me but I had to take care of this now. She rolled over and was facing me now, her eyes still closed but I knew she was awake. She let out a huge sigh when I started rubbing her back and tried to get out of my grip. When I wouldn't let her she opened her eyes and glared at me, if looks could kill then I'd be dead.

"Can I talk to you?" I asked.

"It's the middle of the night is it really that important that you had to wake me up?"

"Kind of."

"Kind of? Really Justin, I told you I was tired and now I'm sleeping so if this could wait until the morning that would be great." She rolled over so that her back was towards me again. I counted to ten so that I wouldn't start yelling because she was really starting to piss me off.

"Ris, I really need to talk to you...now."

"Well now isn't really a good time for me."

"I'm trying really hard to not get mad and yell at you right now, but you're making it really difficult."

"Then get mad Justin," she flipped over and sat up so that she was now looking at me, "Get fucking mad. Life isn't all daisies and sunflowers all the time and no one is happy and living a perfect life 24/7. Get fucking mad Justin, yell and scream and be pissed off at me. See what your problem is, is that you try and fix everything and because of who you are it usually works because you always get your way. But guess what, I'm not your mother and I don't cater to your every need, and I'm not your management so you don't pay me to do what you want, and I'm not some fan that will bow down and kiss your feet if you asked them to. I'm your fucking girlfriend who sometimes doesn't want to be told that everything is going to be okay because everything isn't always going to be okay."

"I'm not asking you to do any of that Marissa. I'm asking to have a fucking conversation with you since you've barely said two words to me in the past 48 hours. Something is wrong and for some reason you're not telling me what it is. I know I didn't do anything to make you upset, and I know I haven't done anything to make you think that if you tell me something bad is going to happen. So now that you're awake and now that I'm yelling I want you to fucking talk to me and tell me what's wrong because I have a good idea as to what it is and I'm VERY confused as to why you wouldn't tell me."

"It's nothing that I can't handle on my own."

"Since when do we not handle things together? Last time I checked we were a team."

"Since I don't want to hear you say it's going to be okay. And since I want to feel like I can do something on my own again, because for the past 9 months everything has been okay because you have handled it."

"WE have handled it Marissa. Not me, and not you. We have handled it together. There has to be something that you're hiding from me."

"I'm not hiding anything from you Justin."

"Except the reason why you're upset. Which I'm going to assume is because of this," I pulled the magazine out from behind me and she looked at it quickly before looking away. "So tell me Marissa, is there a past history of drug use? Or are you just mad because they lied about it and tied it into the rape. Are you really dropping out of school or was that made up too? You want me to be mad, I'm mad. In fact I'm pissed the fuck off that I actually have to sit here and question you because of a fucking magazine article that I found open on OUR coffee table because you just decided to turn yourself off these past few days. What happened to you Marissa? Everything was great, the smile didn't leave your face and now you're back to your old self. Closed off and upset."

"I'm sorry that's not good enough for you Justin." She started turning away again and I pulled her towards me. She was wiggling to get out but I wouldn't let go. She wanted me to get mad so I did and now there's no turning back. "Let go of me Justin."

"No I won't let go until you answer my questions."

"You should know the answer to those questions Justin. I'm not going to waste my time by answering them."

"You're right, I should know but I don't because you won't fucking talk to me. So answer the questions."

"You would know if I'm on drugs Justin."

"That wasn't the fucking question."

"Do you honestly think I had a drug problem? After everything that I've told you, you're really questioning if I've done drugs?"

"Just answer the question...Jesus!"

"NO JUSTIN. I never have nor will I ever have a fucking drug problem okay?"

"And you're not dropping out of school?"

"Last time I checked I was still enrolled, but you can check up on that in the morning. I'm sure they'll cater to your every need even if it's not legal to give out someone else's personal information."

"So then what is the problem Marissa?"

"THERE IS NO PROBLEM!"

"Then what is with your fucking attitude? Are you upset because the rape story came out? Are you mad that they are claiming you're on drugs? What is it?"

"I've dealt with lies and negative press for nine months, I'm not going to get upset about it now."

"I don't know what your deal is right now Marissa but you need to either tell me what's wrong so that we can fix it, or figure it out for yourself and fast. Because I didn't ask this Marissa to move in with me. I'm not going to sit here and be ignored and treated like shit by my girlfriend who supposedly loves me and be happy about it and act like nothing is wrong. So figure it out."

"Or else what Justin? You'll kick me to the curb? Send me back to my dorm room, to lead a normal life?"

"Is that what you want? Is that what this is about? Not having a normal life? Because no one is holding you hostage Marissa if you want to go then go."

"You know that's not what I want," she said glaring at me.

"Well then figure out what it is that you want. Because this isn't going to work much longer if you keep this up," I said getting off the bed. No longer did I feel like I had to sleep on the couch, now I actually wanted to sleep on the couch.

I slammed the bedroom door behind me and threw myself onto my bed for the night. The TV was still flickering and I realized I still had the magazine in my hand. I flung it at the bedroom door and watched it fall, the pages fluttering open as it made its decent. I was fuming which is exactly what I was trying to avoid this whole time. We've never fought like this before. Sure we've had our disagreements but there was never a night that I actually wanted to be away from her, or a night that I didn't tell her that I loved her before we went to sleep. This was killing me. I wanted to go in there and straighten it out but I knew I was only going to make things worse not only for me but also for her. I decided to try and sleep it off but once 5am rolled around and I was still tossing and turning, I got up and started getting ready for the day.

I went into the bathroom and realized that I was probably out of line last night saying some of the things that I said, and made it a point to apologize to her for that as well as do things that she loved in an attempt to make peace. I squirted shaving cream onto my hand and rubbed it on my face. If there was one thing she loved the most it was a cleanly shaven face. She'd always scrunch up her nose after I kissed her when there was too much hair on my face and claimed that it was distracting. I haven't made it a point to shave in the past couple of days because sometimes I can act like a child and to me it was a form of payback for the way she was acting. I was so delusional from lack of sleep that after I was done shaving I threw a brand new razor into the trash. At first I was just going to leave it there, but something told me to go take it out it was brand new after all. I reached down into the trash and tugged on the razor and almost as if in slow motion, I saw something fall out of a tissue and onto the floor of the bathroom. I stood there staring at it, unable to pick it up off the floor. I dropped the razor back into the trash and sat down on the floor next to it, banging my head against the wall. After a good 10-20 minutes of doing nothing but staring, I picked it up off the floor and went back to the couch. I crossed my legs over the arm of the couch and held it in my hands over my head flipping it over again and again continuing to just stare. I honestly couldn't tell you how much time went by before I heard the bedroom door open. I took my eyes off of it and saw her standing there, her mouth wide open in shock.

"Still nothing you want to tell me?" I asked now looking at her. Her eyes started to water and her lips were moving but nothing was coming out. "You sure there's no problem? Nothing that might be life changing that you forgot to mention?"

"Justin I..."

"Justin I what Marissa? You forgot? It's not yours? You thought I didn't need to know or wouldn't find out?"

"It's nothing. It's being taken care of."

"What the FUCK is that suppose to mean?" I said sitting up and giving her a death stare.

"It means exactly what it sounds like." She turned around and started walking back into the bedroom before I screamed at the top of my lungs for her to come back. She slowly walked over to me in a way that any outsider would think she was afraid of me. She sat down on the complete opposite end of the couch. I took a few large deep breaths and tried to calm down before I spoke to her. I needed to be rational and have a clear mind in order for this not to blow up into an even bigger argument then before. I couldn't look at her; if I did I'd probably explode so I spoke to her while looking down at the hardwood floor below me.

"First of all I want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry for what I said to you last night about figuring things out and all that. Second of all, I want you to know that this is something that we can get through together. I'm not going to say it's going to be okay because I know you don't want to hear that, but together we can do this. And lastly, baby I need you to just please talk to me and tell me everything. I know you're probably flipping out right now but I just need to know okay? I don't know why you kept this from me, but I don't even care right now. I just need you to have a civilized conversation with me about this. Please."

"There's nothing to tell you. It's being taken care of."

"Tell me what you mean."

"You know what I mean Justin, you're not stupid."

"I want you to say it. Out loud, tell me what you're going to do."

"No."

"No...Okay, so tell me this, do I have any say in this?"

"No."

"So you had no intentions on telling me this? You felt no need to fill me in? How long did you think you'd be able to hide this?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know what?"

"Anything." I looked up at her and saw her wipe a tear that was about to fall off her face. "I don't know anything. The only thing I do know is that after all this you're probably going to leave me. I don't know why I didn't tell you. I don't know why I can't handle this the right way, and I don't know why I'm taking it all out on you. I honestly don't know if I would have ever told you if you didn't find it. I don't know Justin."

"I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you I'm not mad because I'm fucking pissed off. But I'm going to put those feelings aside right now and I want to sit here and have a conversation with you and figure this out because there is one thing that I know, and that is that you will not be "taking care of it" on your own."

"You know where I stand on this."

"And you know where I stand, and this isn't just your decision. So lets talk about it."

"I don't know what you want me to say here."

"For now I just want you to listen," I turned to face her and she was crying, her elbows on her knees twirling her thumbs unable to look up at me. I moved closer to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders and her head fell onto my chest like it always does. "I've said since day one that I'm not going anywhere and I will stand by that forever. I know that you think that you can't do this, but I know that you can. And together we can do it 100 times better. This isn't only your problem, in fact it's not even a problem at all."

"I'm still in school Justin. I'm about to celebrate my 22nd birthday, and I haven't experienced half of what I wanted to before this happened. I have a job that I can barely get by on myself, and I know that I won't be good at it not to mention the fact that we'll have to do it with the whole world watching."

"You're only looking at it negatively. You're almost 22 and you've experienced and overcome more then some people do there entire lives. You have gotten by on that job for years and you're supporting yourself with no help from your parents or anyone for that matter. Have you not realized that I could support you, 20 children, 35 dogs and me without working another day of my life? That's not something you should even be thinking about. And not only will you be good at it, but you'll be incredibly amazing at it. Think about it Ris. I know it's scary and something that you never imagined yourself doing but think about it. A little person that's half me and half you that loves us unconditionally. You couldn't do anything to make that little baby hate you or do something to hurt you. Think about when it's born how it'll wrap it's little hand around your finger and look at you with so much love. I know you have the final say in this but you need to know that you are the only person that I'd ever even consider being the mother of my children. I know that now might not be the best time in your eyes for that to happen, but think about everything else that you've overcome and how much easier this will be compared to that. You'll be graduated before it's born, we'll be in LA which is your dream, you'll have a better job and it will connect us forever. Who cares if the whole world is watching it hasn't bothered you yet so why should it bother you now. All that matters is me and you and that baby. We could be the family that you always wanted."

"The fact that this baby is half me is the problem. I don't want someone else to have to go through what I've gone through. I don't want this baby to feel the way I feel sometimes. How can I love this child if no one ever showed me how to love a child? I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made, but they are who I learned from. You said the day I met you that you didn't want to have kids and now all of a sudden you want me to pop out a million of them and I can't do that Justin. I'll be living in constant fear that I'm doing it wrong and that I'm fucking this kids life up and I don't want a child to feel the same way towards me as I feel towards my parents." I stood up off the couch and knelt down in front of her taking her face in my hands. She was still crying and even though I was trying my hardest to hold back tears of my own I couldn't help but let them fall when I saw the look in her eyes.

"Do you love me?" I asked in a shaky voice. She nodded her head. "If you can love me babe, then you can love this baby. You instantly fall in love with your child you don't even need to try. You may not think you will right now but I promise you that the moment you see it's face you will fall in love and you'll just know what to do. When I first met you I didn't want kids. I also thought I'd never want to get married but you changed all that for me. I know this wasn't planned but this could be the greatest thing that's ever happened in your entire life, and you're about to throw it all away before you even give it a chance. If you love me and you trust me like you say you do, then trust me now. We can do this Marissa. Please, please do this with me."

"What if I fuck up?"

"Then I'll be there to fix it. Just like you'll be there to fix it if I fuck up. Everyone makes mistakes and no child is raised perfectly."

"I can't say yes," my eyes dropped from hers and I could feel more tears forming. I knew that I couldn't make this decision for her, it was her body and half her child but deep down I felt like if I couldn't convince her I'd be killing my own kid. I felt her thumbs wipe my tears away and she pulled my face back up to her to look her in the eye, "but I'm not saying no." A thousand pounds were lifted off of my shoulders and a smile formed on my face.

"Really?"

"I have a doctors appointment today. Lets just go and see what happens."

"Sounds like a plan." I stood up feeling relieved, like I've just accomplished the greatest feat of my life.

"And I'm really sorry," I spun around to look back at her, "I don't know what I was thinking by not telling you. And honestly I didn't know what was going to happen today. I don't even believe in abortion I just...I didn't know what else to do and I thought you'd be mad if I told you...I just...I'm sorry."

"Lets just get through today and then we can talk about it okay?" She nodded her head knowing that what she did wasn't just going to go away. I can look past it right now, but soon probably tomorrow we're going to have to talk about it. What she did was beyond wrong and it wasn't something I can just disregard, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just walk out on her. I love her too much to do that, and now there's a baby to think about too. A baby. My baby. Our baby. I'm going to be a father.

***

The doctors' office was small and cold. Marissa held onto my hand so tight I was starting to lose circulation. They whisked us inside through the back entrance and she has been lying on this damn table for almost a half an hour. I was looking over at a wall full of pictures that the doctor had delivered and pictured my son or daughter on that wall in 9 months. There was so much we had to do to prepare for this baby, and I was so excited to tell my mother she was going to be a grandma. She's dreamed of it since the day I was born and I've been telling her for years to let it go because it was never going to happen, and now it is. The nurse walking in took me out of my daze and made Marissa's grasp stronger. I rubbed my thumb along the back of her hands as the nurse started prepping the ultra sound and asked her a bunch of questions. I watched the nurse put gel on her stomach and take out what looked like a wand and move it around over the gel.

"How far along do you think you are?" she asked Marissa.

"Umm..I was on medication for food poisoning about 4 or 5 weeks ago and I think that might have messed with my birth control so..."

"That's more common then you'd ever think," the nurse said back with a smile. Marissa just lay there not saying a word. A few seconds later we heard what sounded like waves. I looked up at Marissa and a single tear fell down her cheek. "That's the babies heartbeat, nice and strong." I stood up placing a kiss on her forehead, not knowing if those were tears of joy or what.

"You okay babe?" She nodded, her eyes squeezed shut.

"Yeah...I want this baby Justin."

"I knew you would." She wrapped her arms around my neck as the nurse wiped her stomach off and pulled her shirt down. "I love you. We're going to get through this together, I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, we're just going to need to take some blood work to see how far along you are and you'll be all set to go. We have your prenatal vitamins waiting for you at the front desk, and Cindy will set you up with your next appointment," the nurse said.

"Great," I replied backing away and sitting back down next to Marissa. The nurse was prepping her to take blood and continued asking her questions. I was beyond excited and the smile never left my face. I even saw a smile creep up on Marissa's every once and a while. She drew the blood and gave Marissa some crackers while finishing up the paperwork.

"Okay, one last question and you're free to go. This is your first pregnancy correct?"

"Yes," I replied quickly but faintly heard her speak at the same time.

"I'm sorry did you say yes or no Miss Mitchell?"

"I...I said...I said no."

"I'll give you two a few minutes alone," I faintly heard the nurse say.

"No...no that won't be necessary," Justin responded taking his eyes off of me for the first time and looking at her.

"Justin, please let me explain," I managed to get out.

"Explain what? The fact that you're a liar? I don't even know who you are anymore. You've been playing me for the past nine months. I've given you every last piece of me and you walked all over it. You were right before when you said the problem is that that baby is half you, that is a really big problem. We are done, so fucking done. I want a paternity test, and I'll have my lawyers contact you for that and if that baby is mine they'll be contacting you about custody. That is if you so choose to have this baby. Or maybe you'll kill it like you did the last one..."

"I DIDN'T KILL THE LAST ONE. Please let me explain Justin please."

"There is nothing for you to explain to me. You just ripped my heart out and tore it to shreds. What else could you possibly say to make this day worse? First you keep the fact that you're pregnant from me, and now this? What more could you lay on me?"

"Justin this baby...you said you'd never leave. You promised me. Please."

"I said I'd never leave when I thought you were someone else. But now...now you're just a selfish bitch." My heart was breaking and I deserved it, but if he just stopped and let me explain he would understand. He would understand that no one besides my doctor and myself even knew that I was pregnant before. He would understand that I didn't have an abortion, he would understand why I didn't tell him. He would understand everything if he'd just give me a chance. I needed a chance and he was walking out the door. My head was spinning and I couldn't even see clearly but I knew I had to stop him, I could not let him walk out of my life forever. I got up off the examination table and attempted to make my way over to him. My legs were like jello and after a couple of steps everything turned black and I felt my head hit off the floor. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed holding someone's hand. He came back, I knew he would. The love we had for each other was too strong for him to walk out and leave me without an explanation. My head was pounded and I couldn't open my eyes.

"Justin?" It came out as a whisper, "please let me explain." I felt a hand go to my forehead.

"Oh sweetie..." It was then that the tears began to fall. I shook my head at the sound of Amy's voice. He didn't come back, he didn't care and yet again I've managed to fuck up the one good thing that I had in my life. Everything was going right for once and now it was all being taken away because of my stupidity. I couldn't handle it, I tried to rip the IV's out of my arm and in seconds I felt people on me holding me down.

"LET ME GO," I screamed, "LET ME GO....NO, NO, NO, NO, LET ME GO!" I was kicking and using every ounce of energy I had trying to get out of their grasp, but I wasn't strong enough. "Let me go...please let me go...let me go..."

"Marissa you have to calm down," it was now Luke's voice that I heard.

"Please let me go...I need Justin...let me go find him please let me go!"

"Marissa STOP! You need to stop or your going to get hurt...STOP IT!" I stopped kicking not because I wanted to but because I had no more energy. It was like in that instant every ounce of me was drained out of my body and I couldn't move. I was hysterically crying, I had no will to live. I couldn't live my life without him, without seeing his face every morning, without hearing him sing in the shower, without feeling his arms wrapped around me, without feeling his touch on my skin. I need him to make me whole and now he was gone. I couldn't breathe, my body couldn't function. This was a pain I never felt before.

***

I felt the bed move, but I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep. "Marissa, you have a doctors appointment." I felt a hand on my back, but it wasn't the hand that belonged there. I didn't move, there was no need to move. "Maris you have to get up." Luke has been doing everything in his power to get me out of bed for the past three months, but unless I had to pee or felt hungry that day, there was no point in me getting up. He got off the bed. He knew I wasn't going anywhere and the minute I heard the door close behind him I let the tears fall again. I could hear him talking to Amy. He was panicked. No one knew what to do with me anymore. I didn't know what to do with me anymore. I was living in Trace and Amy's guest bedroom, and to be honest with you I don't even know how I got there after my weeks stay in the hospital. I'm shocked that Trace even allowed me in his house and I can only imagine what Amy had to do to convince him to let me stay here. Trace will come in my room every once and a while to check on me, but I know that his loyalty is to Justin. No one knew what exactly had happened that day besides Justin, that nurse and myself. They'd ask me everyday but I couldn't relive it, and Amy told me that Trace asked Justin but he wouldn't say a word.

I haven't seen, spoken to, or felt Justin in three months. His lawyers sent papers for a paternity test, stating that if I hadn't terminated the pregnancy Mr. Timberlake would like proof that the child is actually his. Mr. Timberlake...it was all so formal, like he never even knew my name or something. And how could he even think that the baby wasn't his? We were together for nine months straight except the times that he had to go away. I didn't get an abortion and I went for the paternity test and to no ones surprise the baby is Justin's. About a week later I got another letter from his lawyer stating that once the baby was born Mr. Timberlake would be filing a petition for sole custody of his child. I didn't know how I felt about that. In one sense I hated the baby because it tore Justin and me apart, and in another sense I loved it so much because it was all I had left of him. Amy would bring me my prenatal vitamins and a glass of water every morning and I'd take them and go back to sleep. I was hoping the pain would go away after a while but each day that past it only got worse. I felt like there was a knife in my heart 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There was no one to blame for this but myself. I told him everything there was to tell except this. Why didn't I just tell him?

I ended up getting up and going to the doctor that day. Luke came with me and held my hand. I listened to the baby's heartbeat. Still strong, still healthy, and I wondered what my heartbeat sounded like. It was probably weak, and ailing beating only a few times a minute. They had a picture of the baby up on the screen but I couldn't look at it. I don't know what I would have done if I saw any resemblance to Justin, it was too soon to be able to handle that. The doctor asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said no. Justin and I agreed that we were going to wait until it was born because there are only a few surprises left in life. She printed out a picture of the sonogram and gave it to Luke. We drove back in silence. He tried to ask me questions but I didn't want to answer any of them so I just looked out the window watching the white lines on the road pass me by for fear that if I looked up I'd see a happy couple, or a family walking down the street and lose it.

***

That night I felt my bed move again but this time no one touched me. Whoever it was was just lying there not saying a word. I watched the red digits on the clock change 37 times before he spoke.

"He's my best friend Marissa, and right now he's not even talking to me because I'm letting you live in my house. I don't know what happened, and to be honest I don't think I even want to know what happened, but this is what I do know. Both of you are miserable. You can't even function and he has turned into the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life. And in the middle of all this is an innocent baby that is going to be brought into the world in the midst of what feels like World War Three. I've been best friends with Justin since birth, but I love you too and you guys cannot continue like this. It's not healthy for anyone involved. You have to take care of that baby, your classes start up again next week, and Justin needs to be able to realize that he's going down a bad path right now that's only going to lead to destruction. I don't think he's been sober for a full 24 hours once in the past three months. You can't live like this anymore. Whatever happened, happened and now you both need to move on either together or apart but something has to be done. I won't let this happen anymore and I won't let my niece or nephew be brought into this world while it's happening. So you're either going to have to get up and start living your life again or you need to find somewhere else to live because this will not happen under my watch any longer. It's gone on long enough." He was kicking me out. I should have seen this coming. I had a choice to make but in my mind I couldn't just get up and move on, so I had to find somewhere else to live and fast.

"I'll be out by the end of the month," I said not even turning around to look at him. I heard him sigh and for the first time he put his hand on my back.

"Don't do this Marissa. You have to figure out a way to fix this. Not just for you, but for the baby. I know you don't want it to grow up in two different homes, spending every other holiday with you, and sending messages back and forth to each other through the kid. Trust me, that's how I was brought up and it's one of the hardest things I ever had to experience in my life. Find it in yourself to get up out of bed, continue with your life, and attempt to patch things up with him. I know deep down that's what you want, and I know deep down that's what he wants too but neither one of you are willing to make the first move."

"He won't talk to me Trace."

"Have you even tried?"

"No, but he's made it clear from the mailings that I've received from his lawyers that he wants nothing to do with me ever again."

"Nothing is ever going to get settled if you don't try."

"What am I suppose to do? Call him and act like nothing has ever happened? Or should I just corner him while he's getting drunk at a bar and see what happens?"

"Do you want the family that you never got to have?"

"Of course I do. There's nothing that I want more then that."

"Then go get it." He kissed my cheek and got off the bed closing the door behind him.

The clock read 9:23pm and for the first time in three months I felt like maybe, just maybe I had something to live for. It wasn't me, and it wasn't Justin or our relationship. It was this baby, our baby. I got out of bed and for the first time in over 90 days I looked at myself in the mirror. My clothes were practically falling off my body because I've lost weight everywhere except in my little beach ball of a stomach that was growing. It was the first time I've actually seen my body changing. My eyes were bloodshot and my hair was an oily mess. I looked so weak, so different, so not me. I put my hand on my stomach and made a promise to that little child that was growing inside of me that we were going to get through this, and that in the end we would be that family that Justin promised we would be three months ago. 

I took a shower and got dressed. I put on about 20 different outfits trying to find one that would work with this new body I was sporting. I looked at myself in the mirror after settling on one and decided that Trace was right and I had to make a change right now. I didn't feel much stronger then I did an hour ago, but I had more will in me. If I didn't fix this, no one would and my baby didn't deserve the situation if it wasn't fixed. I was going to find Justin, and make him talk to me, make him listen to me as I explained. I was a strong person that has gone through so much tragedy in my life. I've handled it before, and I'll handle it now.

When I walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs I wasn't sure what to expect. I needed help to find Justin, and I was going to need the support of my friends to get through this. I walked down the stairs and into the living room. The first thing I saw was Trace and Amy cuddled up on the couch and watching a movie. Tears formed in my eyes and a pain stung my heart. I blinked back the tears and told myself over and over again that this would be okay. Justin always said it, it will be okay. I walked up to the couch and Amy shot up looking back and forth from me to Trace.

"Hey umm...I was hoping maybe you guys could help me by telling me where you think Justin might be."

"Marissa...oh sweetie I'm so glad you're up. And look at you, you look beautiful," Amy said standing up and giving me a hug.

"Thanks Am...I know you're lying but thanks." She didn't say anything because she knew it was true. I looked like crap, like a person that's been in bed for three months, but she wasn't about to tell me that. "So does anyone know where I might find him?"

"You should probably try the Elephant Pub. He's been there every night for the past three months." My heart sank when he said that.

"That's where we went on our first date."

"Come on I'll drive you," Trace said getting up and giving Amy a kiss before wrapping his arm around my waist and walking me out to the garage. "I'm proud of you. You're doing the right thing." I just nodded ducking into Trace's BMW and putting the seatbelt over me. The car ride seemed to go on forever. Trace covered my hand with his the whole way, and even though I know he was just trying to comfort me it just didn't seem right because it wasn't Justin's hand. We pulled up to the back door of the bar and I stared at the door for a while. I was going back and forth, one minute I was telling myself I could do it, and the next minute I didn't think I could. For about 5 minutes I just sat staring at the door trying to convince myself to get out of the car and walk in. Then suddenly I felt something in my stomach, like someone was playing with my insides. I put my hands over it and felt the baby kick again. That was the last push I needed to get out of the car and walk into that bar.

"You okay?" Trace asked. "Is something wrong with the baby?"

"I'm fine," I replied with the first smile on my face since that day we first heard the baby's heartbeat. "I think the baby just kicked. Wait for me okay? I'm going in."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Thanks Trace," I said leaning over and giving him a hug, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Your welcome. Now go get your man back."

I pushed the door open and stood up extra straight before I started walking to the door. Before I got there I could hear the music blaring and I could almost smell the beer coming from inside. It sounded like there was a live band playing and a rave was going on inside. I nodded to the bouncer, and he held the door open for me to go in. Walking in a wave of emotions came over me. I was nervous that this was all going to blow up in my face. Scared to see Justin's reaction, and almost joyful to be in the place that we had our first date again. Memories came rushing back to me. His face when I ordered a tequila sunrise, the first time I felt his hands on my face, his lips on my mouth. His first promise he ever made me, the first time he told me it would be okay. That all happened here. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe we were meant to reconcile here too. I walked in further and saw a bunch of people gathered in front of the stage, singing and dancing to the live band that was playing. The tables were filled with people drunk off their ass watching the Red Sox game, and the smell of alcohol was stronger then it ever had been before. I looked around hoping to spot Justin and was crushed when I didn't see him anywhere. I saw the owner and asked him if Justin had been here and he said he was earlier but he thought that he had left. My heart sank. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to build up enough courage to do this again tomorrow. I turned around to walk out the door when I saw him. Sitting at that same table in the back of the bar out of sight. He was staring at a glass of whisky, spinning the  glass on the table. He looked sad. He had lost weight too, and his eyes were all sunken in. I watched him put his head on his arm that was stretched out on the table and run his finger along the rim of the glass. He was alone, concerned about nothing but his glass of whiskey. I'd never been more scared in my life.

It took another kick from the baby to start walking over to him. Looking to my right I saw a bouncer standing close to him, in a way it kind of comforted me. Justin wasn't a violent person, but I wasn't sure how he would react to seeing me. I made it to his table and he didn't even realize there was someone standing there. I watched his finger go around and around the rim of the glass, his eyes glazed over focused on the dark liquid moving. There was a lump in my throat and suddenly I forgot everything I wanted to say to him. Unknowingly I cleared my throat and that brought him out of his daze. His eyes were now on mine and they were not the eyes I wanted to see. They were blue and bloodshot and my mind immediately went back to that day in the hotel room that I was taken advantage of. I shook my head willing that image out of my mind and focusing on Justin in front of me.

"Wh..." he started.

"Please just give me five minutes," I said not even letting him get a word out, "I don't expect you to come running back to me or everything to be okay, just please give me five minutes."

"Why should I give you five minutes?" I saw the bouncer move closer to us. He must have been on standby in case I came in or something. I needed to come up with something fast or I was going to be out of there faster then our conversation lasted.

"Because I'm having your baby and it deserves a mother and a father that can at least talk to each other civilly." He looked at me for a few seconds before putting his hand up and stopping the bouncer. I turned around and watched him walk back to his post before turning back to Justin. He motioned for me to sit down on the stool across from him.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant Justin."

"Oh...right." Ten minutes went by without either of us saying anything. It was hard for me to look in his eyes, and I could tell it was hard for him to even lay eyes on any part of my body. We couldn't sit here forever in silence, I had to say something if I was going to fix this.

"Are you drunk?" I don't know why that was the first thing I said, but I guess I wanted to make sure he was thinking straight before I tried to have a conversation with him. A smirk formed on his face and I saw his shoulders go up when he chuckled.

"I've been coming to this bar and sitting in this seat everyday for three months, and by this time every night I've been piss drunk and that bouncer has taken me out to a cab. But today...today I've been staring at this drink that I ordered three hours ago, and I haven't even taken a sip out of it."

"Maybe that's a sign or something."

"Maybe." Silence. I had a whole speech planned and this wasn't the way it was suppose to go. Just looking at him took me back to where we were three months ago. Happy, in love, a family.

"I have a lot of explaining to do."

"Yeah ya do."

"Where should I start?"

"The beginning."

"Okay...well...First I want to tell you that I never lied to you, I just left certain things out."

"Like the fact that I wasn't your first real sexual experience?"

"No...that's the truth."

"Then how is it that you were pregnant before? Was it an Immaculate Conception?"

"No, it wasn't an Immaculate Conception. I got pregnant from being raped. It was Victor's baby. No one knew Justin, not even Luke or Amy or Frankie. I found out and I went to the doctor and that doctor was the only other person on this planet that knew I was pregnant. I was 18, pregnant with my rapist's child and was too afraid to tell anyone, so I didn't. At first I thought that I just didn't get my period because I was stressed out due to the circumstances, but then when the second month passed with nothing I knew something was wrong. I snuck out when Luke was out one day and went to the doctor to confirm it, and it was like my worst fear coming true. I couldn't tell anyone because if I did it would be real, and in my state of mind if it was real then there was no point in living anymore but I was too afraid to die."

"That was almost four years ago. Why couldn't you tell me four years later?"

"I can't answer that question."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know the answer. I don't know why I couldn't tell you. I've asked myself that question everyday for the past three months, and I still don't have an answer."

"I just...I can't..." He was shaking his head still not able to look me in the eye.

"Just...just let me finish. I found out I was pregnant and once the doctor found out I was raped the first question he asked me was if I was going to get an abortion. What person wouldn't right? Well, me. I knew that I should because every time I looked at the baby I'd see him which in turn would make me hate the baby but I couldn't kill an innocent life. I decided to have the baby and put it up for adoption. It wasn't the baby's fault that he raped me and it deserved a good life. I found out on a Wednesday that I was pregnant and on Friday I woke up to a blood stained bed. I knew what had happened but I still didn't want anyone to know, so I got up and changed the sheets before Luke came in. Then I got dressed and went to the doctor. They did some sort of procedure and that was it, like it was never there in the first place. I hopped down off that exam table and decided that I was going to turn my life around. Forget about everything that happened and start over. That day, everyone thought I had some sort of revelation but no one asked me why or how because they were all just happy that I was out of bed and dressed. A few months went by and it was like none of it ever happened so I never brought it up again, that is until you came into my life." Suddenly my throat was completely dry, and I couldn't really continue. I called the waitress over and ordered a water. When I turned back I saw Justin taking a sip of his whiskey. I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign. He put the glass down and I watched him swish the whiskey in his mouth before swallowing. He squeezed his eyes shut as it went down, a burn that he wasn't use to since he was a tequila drinker I'm sure. The waitress came back with my water and I drank half the glass in one gulp, finally able to swallow again without it hurting. I was about to start talking again when he spoke.

"It was like you drove a knife into my heart over and over and over again. For the rest of that day I literally thought I was dying. I put everything about my life on the table, I gave you every single piece of me. I've never in my life given my whole self to someone before you and you made me regret that over and over and over again. I questioned the entire nine months we were together. Every last second we spent together I questioned. I didn't know what to believe, I still don't know what to believe. You went from this broken person, to someone who was put together and loving life, and then out of nowhere it all came crashing down ten times worse then it was before..."

"You wouldn't let me explain..."

"Don't...you got you're chance to talk and now it's mine. Do you know how many times I sat outside of Trace's house? I'd come to this bar and sit in this seat and relive the first night I met you over and over again until I was too drunk to function and then I'd make the cab driver go to Trace's and I'd sit outside just waiting. I don't even know what I was waiting for. I wanted to hate you so bad. And every time I'd convince myself that you were a lie and that I hated you, I'd remember something you did or something you said and the love I had for you just got stronger and stronger. I had to cut myself off from Trace because every time I talked to him on the phone I'd question if you were sitting right next to him, happy without a care in the world. Or maybe you were in the other room, sad and depressed. Then I'd blame myself for something that I didn't even do. Because this time Marissa, this time it was all you. It wasn't Brandon, or Victor or your parents, it was you. You did this. You made the decision not to tell me. So if you've been in the guest room for three months crying, I can't say I feel bad about it. But at the same time, there wasn't a second that went by that I didn't miss you. And now you're sitting across from me, and you look like shit because you probably were lying in the guest room for three months crying and I'm the one the feels bad. I don't know why because I didn't do anything wrong but I want nothing more then to get up and hold you and take the pain away. But if I do that, I won't know if you're going to do this to me again, and I can not go through this again."

"You look like shit to you know."

He chuckled a little looking down at his whiskey before he took another small sip, "I haven't actually looked at myself in a mirror for a while, but I can only imagine what I look like."

I looked him over again. He looked like he had aged ten years since the last time I'd seen him. He was obviously miserable just like I was and it was all my fault. A few minutes of silence past as the band that was on stage exited and the bar quited down a bit. I no longer needed to scream over them, but now I kind of wished they were still on because I couldn't find the right words to say. I looked back over at him and he was staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that he wanted me to respond to his last statement that I purposely ignored. I took a few seconds to pull myself together before I did just that. "I know that this is on me. I've been beating myself up everyday for it, and that doesn't take back what I did or anything but I just want you to understand that I know that everything you said is true. I chose to keep it from you, and I had no reason to. I trusted you, I still trust you, and I shouldn't have kept it from you. If I could do it all over again I would have spilled my guts to you sitting at this table a year ago, but I didn't know then that you were going to be my soul mate, and I didn't know then how fucked up I actually was so I didn't and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get it all back. I wish there was something I could say or do to prove to you how sorry I am, but I know there's not and it's time for me to move on and realize that I ruined what was the most precious thing in my life. All I can hope for now is for us to be able to parent our child in a way that doesn't hurt him or her. You convinced me to have this baby and I want nothing more then to be able to be a family but I understand if I can't have that. All I'm asking is for us to be able to be civil, not for my sake but for the baby's." He drank the rest of his whiskey before he said anything. My heart was racing not knowing what he was thinking. I use to be able to read him, but that was when he'd actually look at me in the eye. It was taking everything in me to not go over there and wrap my arms around him and put my lips on his. I wanted to back away from him and watch him lick his lips and feel his hand on my face. I wanted to watch his lips move as he told me that he loved me, I wanted to be us again.

"I want to not love you. I want to be able to forget about you and forget about us but I can't. I know that you're sorry, I believe every single word that's come out of your mouth even though I don't want to. I don't want lawyers to be our only form of communication, and I don't want our kid to go back and forth between homes because we can't get along. I convinced you to have this baby and I fully intend on raising this baby with you. But right now Ris, I just...I need some time. I need time to make this pain go away, and more importantly I need to figure out what's going on in my life because at this point I've never been so confused before in my life. I'm use to having things planned for me everyday and now I get to make my own decisions and I don't know what to do with it. I made a lot of promises and I fully intend on keeping them, but I just need time."

My heart sank, but at the same time I now had hope that maybe we'd be put back together eventually. "I understand."

"I'm going home tomorrow for a couple of weeks to hopefully clear my head and figure some stuff out."

"Okay...maybe we'll talk when you get back from LA?"

"I'm going home...to Memphis. Stay with my parents, get away from the craziness of the city."

"Oh...of course. D...Do they know?"

He shook his head, "Nah, I haven't really told anyone yet."

"About us or about the baby?"

"Both."

"Oh."

"I just want to have it all figured out before I tell them you know? Maybe we can tell them together at some point."

"I'd like that," I replied smiling for the first time since I walked in the bar. The last call bell rang and I was shocked to realize how long we'd actually been sitting there talking. "So I guess I'll talk to you when you get back?"

"How are you feeling?" He asked ignoring what I said, "how's the baby and stuff?"

"I'm doing okay. I've been throwing up a lot but it's kind of subsided now, and I went for an ultra sound today and the baby seems fine."

"Good. Did you find out what it is?"

"No, we agreed not to remember?"

"Yeah." Another few minutes of silence went by and the waitress dropped the check off at our table. "You sure you're okay? With...with everything? Do you need anything for the baby, any money or anything?"

"No, I'm good with money and all that thanks though, and I'll be okay with everything soon enough."

"Okay. Do you need a ride back or anything?"

"I don't think so, Trace is waiting for me," I said getting up off the barstool. I watched his eyes go from my face to my stomach, and a small smile crept up on his face.

"You're starting to show."

"Yeah...weird huh?"

"No, it's actually pretty amazing...can I touch it?" The simple fact that he had to ask to touch me made my insides turn, he shouldn't have to ask, and at the same time I was scared because I knew once I felt his hand on me again it was going to make walking out of this bar without him 100 times worse.

"Of course," I said reluctantly. He slowly reached over to my stomach and placed his hand right in the center looking down at it amazed. He looked like a little kid discovering a new toy. Just then I felt the baby kick again and his face lit up, his eyes finally showing some form of life again. He stood up taking his hand off of me and wrapping his arms around my neck, "I still love you," he whispered. "I never stopped loving you."

I took in his scent and kept telling myself to remember this feeling because it may be the last time I ever feel it. I had held my emotions in the entire time I was there but hearing him say that made me want to explode. I held back though, telling myself I had to be strong, "I love you too," I replied, "We'll talk in a couple of weeks." I backed away looking at him one last time before walking out the door to Trace's car. I opened the door waking Trace up and sat down not saying a word.

"So...how'd it go?" he asked yawning.

"It went...well."

I haven't been home in years. The past few years I didn't even come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. But when I stepped off the plane and onto the tarmac it was like I was just here yesterday. Nothing ever changes here. There's nature, dirt roads, general stores and the same people that were here 50 years ago. The dogs ran off the plane and for the first time in a while they didn't need to be on leashes and there were no cameras in my face. The past three months I've basically been paparazzi free since I didn't really leave much, but here there isn't even a small worry that I'd be hounded. I let the dogs run around for a while before I whistled for them and walked over to the car that was waiting for me to drive me to my parents' house. I had my own house in Shelby Forest, just a few blocks over from my parents but I needed to be with them. In reality I just couldn't be alone.

I pulled into my parents' driveway and just sat for a couple of minutes. I didn't know what I was doing here exactly but I just knew I had to get out of Boston and going to LA or New York just didn't sound appealing to me. I needed to clear my head, sort out all the crap that's gone on and figure out what I'm going to do with my life. My parents had no idea about what has gone on these past few months, they think things are the same as they were three months ago and I have no intentions on letting them know that it's not. I snapped out of my daze when I saw my mother running towards the car with a look of shock on her face. I hadn't exactly told her I was coming. She opened the door and practically jumped into my lap.

"Justin! Why didn't you tell us you were coming sweetie? Oh it's so good to see you!" She was squeezing me so hard I wasn't sure I'd be able to breath much longer.

"Surprise," I replied trying my best to put on a happy face. She loosened her grip after about two minutes and backed away looking around me, I turned to see what she was looking at but didn't see anything. "What are you looking at?"

"Where's Marissa baby? I told you to bring her the next time you came." Well, the whole not thinking about Marissa for a couple of day's thing went down the drain real fast. I turned around again almost expecting to see her sitting there, and when I didn't a knot formed in my stomach. I must have made a face because my mother went from Miss Chipper Pants to Mama mode within seconds. "Justin what's wrong? Is everything okay with you guys?"

"Yeah...yeah Mama everything's great. She just...you know school and work and all that, so...yeah."

"Are you sure your okay? You don't look too good sweetheart."

"Mmhmm...yeah I'm fine just tired that's all, and you know how much I hate flying so..."

"Okay if you say so. Let's get you inside. Granny's here she just made your favorite."

The moment I sat down at the kitchen table and Granny put her Peach Cobbler in front of me, I understood why I came to Tennessee and not LA. I needed some good home cooking, and I needed to be surrounded by people that loved me. When I came home it was like I was ten again, my mother made my bed, there was always food on the table and at the end of the day when I got tired I'd lay on the couch with my head in my mothers lap and she'd rub my head until I fell asleep. Sometimes I just needed to be a kid again and now was exactly that time.

I woke up at 7am and went out for a run with the dogs. Exercise, something I haven't done in a long time. I ran about a mile before I had to slow down to a walk. I was out of shape, extremely out of shape. I stepped on the scale when I woke up and realized that I'd lost about 15 pounds that I'm sure was all muscle because my clothes no longer fit me the way they use to. I went down to the general store and bought a few essentials that my mother asked me to pick up, milk, bread, butter, the usual. I tied the dogs out front and walked in saying hello to Lenny the 85-year-old owner of the store. I threw everything in a basket and walked back to counter to pay.

"How ya doin' kid? Long time no see," Lenny said.

"I'm good Lenny, it has been a while. How are things going here?"

"Same old, same old. Saw you on the TV a few months back. We're so proud of you here. People come in and say 'hey ain't that Timberlake boy from here?' and we're always so excited to say that you are."

"Thanks Len...it means a lot." I reached in my back pocket for my wallet while Lenny rang up the rest of my items.

"Since when does your Mama drink skim milk son?"

"What?" I looked up at the milk he was holding in his hand. I just couldn't get away from her, not even when I'm out buying fucking milk. "Sorry, I must have grabbed the wrong one my gir...I grabbed the wrong one, I'll be right back." I walked to the back of the store putting the milk with the blue cap back and picking up one with a yellow cap. Walking back up to the counter I shook my head trying to get the memory of us in the grocery store for the first time out of my head. We both reached out for a milk carton and looked at each other with disapproving faces. She had skim in her hand and I had whole milk in mine. We fought in the dairy isle of Whole Foods for a good ten minutes before she convinced me to try skim. I didn't have a choice really, she told me if she drank whole milk she'd throw up so clearly her reason was a better one. Come to think of it, she won most of our arguments. Did I always give in? Or was she actually right most of the time?

"All set there kid?"

"Oh yeah...sorry," I put the milk on the counter snapping out of my daze and paid the bill. "See ya soon Lenny, thanks!"

"Bye son...next time bring that girl of yours that I see you on the TV with, we'd love to meet her."

"Maybe next time Lenny...maybe next time." I walked out of the store more aggravated then I was before I left Boston. My hope when coming here was to take my mind of things, start fresh but now everything and everyone was reminding me of her. I untied the dogs and this time ran the whole way back to my house.

***

A week had past and my mind was no clearer then it was when I got here. Instead of trying to get back on a schedule I mostly moped around the house all day, occasionally taking the dogs out for a walk or sitting in the backyard with them while they ran around. I went golfing with my dad twice, both times we discussed when I planned on moving back to LA and what my next step was going to be with my career which was something I hadn't really thought of in a while. I thought that after a couple of months I'd get restless and need to be back in the studio, but up until a couple of months ago it really didn't bother me. I'd sit at my piano and write but I didn't feel the need to go back to LA and start the craziness of another album yet. My thought process for the rest of the time was what's going to happen with Marissa. I can't seem to get past the fact that not only did she not tell me that she was pregnant and had every intention of keeping it from me, but that she failed to tell me that she was ever pregnant before. Trust for me is a huge factor in a relationship, and now I just don't know if I can ever trust her again. Even when I didn't want to think about her, I somehow always reverted back to her. My mother who she was so concerned wouldn't like her, now wouldn't shut up about her. She was planning a graduation party for her because we had told her we'd come for Christmas this year, and that was all she could talk about. She was asking me question after question about what kind of food she liked, and what her favorite color was, what her dream job is and her favorite hobbies. After a while I just couldn't take it anymore.

"Can we talk about something else please?" I asked slamming my head down on the kitchen table. I felt my mothers hand on my back and tried to pull myself together before I looked up at her, but I couldn't so I just kept my head down.

"Justin what's wrong sweetie?"

"Nothing...I just want to talk about something else."

"But there has to be a reason."

"I've been here for a week and all we've talked about is Marissa, can't we just change the subject."

"I'm not stupid Justin. You've been acting strange all week and I haven't said anything but I know something is up so why don't you just tell us."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you two break up?"

"I SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"

"Watch your tone young man," Granny said, "Don't you talk to your mother like that."

"I'm sorry...We're fine, I just don't want to talk about it. I came here for some peace and quiet, to clear my head and I can't do that if all we talk about is her."

"Justin tell me what's wrong," my mother said again. I slammed my hands down on the table and pushed my seat back standing up and looking at her dead in the eyes.

"I...don't...want...to...talk about it! Give me a fucking break God!"

"Justin!"

"I'm sorry Granny but I'm 26 years old, you're going to have to get use to me swearing sometimes."

"Justin Randall..."

"Mama...just stop. I'm going out."

"Where are you going?"

"Away from here." And with that I called for the dogs and walked out the door. I walked for a good four hours and decided to go back when I realized the dogs started lagging behind. They'd sure sleep well tonight. In those four hours I concluded that there was no way anything was going to be made any clearer then it already was. I either needed to get past the fact that she lied, then kept something from me and go back to the way things were, or I'd have to move on and figure out what to do with the baby. The baby. I still can't really believe it. In five months I'm going to be a father and I still haven't told anyone about it. Sure Trace knows but we haven't talked about it because that would involve talking about Marissa and he won't bring her up unless I do, not to mention the fact that I haven't really talked to Trace in about a month. I made a mental note to call him tonight before I sat down at the lake near my parents' house. I let the dogs off their leashes to go swimming, Buckley ran right in the water and Brennon plopped down next to me, too tired to even think about swimming. I laid back listening to the leaves crunch as I did so and closed my eyes, hoping for answers. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but I was hoping I'd get some sure sign pointing me in one direction or another. Soon I heard leaves crunching again, and footsteps getting closer. 

"Are my eyes deceiving me or has Justin Randall Timberlake come back to his old stomping grounds? I thought you forgot about us."

"Well well well...if it isn't Miss Katie Connors," I said sitting up as she sat down next to me, "what brings you to the lake this fine evening."

"Honestly?"

"No, please lie to me," I laughed.

"Well if you want me to lie then I was just walking by and saw you, but if you want the truth...your Mama called me, told me you'd gone for a walk 4 hours ago and didn't want to get you upset by coming to look for you herself."

"Of course she did. Some things never change no matter how old you get."

"Or how big of a star you've become."

"Oh please that's never changed anything...I'm still me, just regular old Justin when I come here."

"Yeah, except you haven't been back in years."

"I've been busy..."

"Becoming a star..."

"Is that what you came here for? To scold me for not coming home in a while?" I asked annoyed now.

"No. I came here to figure out why a 26 year old would need to run away from his Mommy."

"I didn't run away." She didn't say anything just looked off into the distance. I turned my eyes to Buckley having the time of his life in the water all by himself, without a care in the world. At that moment I wished that I could switch places with my dog and not have a care in the world. That has what this has come to, me wishing to be an animal.

"Remember when we'd use to sneak out and come down here to skip rocks when we were like seven?"

"Lets be honest here, we did more then just skip rocks down here."

"Not when we were seven you perv," she slapped my arm just like she always use to. For a few minutes I felt like I was a kid again, sitting by the lake with Katie and hoping that our parents wouldn't realize we snuck out of our beds and drag us back home.

"Everything was so much simpler then. Our biggest worry was being caught, sometimes I wish I could go back to that."

"Really? You'd give back everything that you've done just to sneak out of your house again?"

"Well, when you put it that way I guess not."

"What's going on J for real?"

"What isn't going on is the better question."

"Talk to me Timberlake."

"I can't."

"You've never had a problem before."

"It's different now Katie...we're not teenagers anymore."

"No, but we're still friends. I'm still your person."

"It's just...I haven't told anyone."

"And? Do you think I'm going to run and call Barbara Walters?"

"Barbara Walters? Really? Not Ryan Secrest or Mario Lopez? You chose Barbara Walters?"

"You get the point...We've been friends practically our whole lives, you know whatever is said here goes nowhere. Not even to your Mama."

"But if I say it, it's real," I stopped myself before I said anything else realizing what I said. If I said it out loud it would be real, and if it was real then I had no reason to live but I was too afraid to die. I guess she was feeling the same way I was right now only about a thousand times worse.

"What's real?"

"What's real is that...she's...I'm going...DAMNIT! Why can't I just say it!" I shook my head, unable to say the words out loud and tears forming in my eyes. I've never been a crier but these past few months I'd been crying like a baby, mostly to myself but now I couldn't hold it back and I was sitting there with tears staining my cheeks in front of Katie. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and I put my hand on Brennon's back. This was all just too much to handle at once.

"Okay, one step at a time. I'm going to assume she would be your girlfriend, Marissa is her name right?" I nodded my head knowing that I should probably correct her but what was she really? Was she my ex-girlfriend, or were we just on a break? Should I just call her my baby mama? "Okay so Marissa, she's...cheating on you?"

"No, though it might be a little easier if she was."

"You're going to break up with her then."

"No...I don't know...I don't think so...I just..."

"Alright I'm officially confused."

"She's...Marissa, she's...she's pregnant." There I said it. I expected a weight to be lifted off my shoulders and was totally let down when there wasn't.

"I'm assuming the baby is yours?"

"Yeah...but since I'm an asshole I made her get a paternity test."

"I feel like there's more to this story."

"Of course there is," I said laying back down looking up at what was now a thousand stars in the sky. "She doesn't...she didn't want kids. She sort of has this past that has scared her away from having them. Her parents are assholes and she's just experienced a lot of things that no human being should ever have to. We didn't really plan this, who really does when they're not married, but she was sick and her meds fucked up her birth control. She found out she was pregnant and she didn't even tell me," I closed my eyes picturing the moment the pregnancy test fell out of the tissue. "I sort of found the test in the trash by accident and when I confronted her she said that she didn't know if she was even going to tell me."

"She was going to get an abortion?" Katie asked shocked.

"No...well, she didn't really know what she was going to do. Anyway that's not even the worst part. I sat with her for like an hour and convinced her to at least consider having the baby. I mean I never wanted kids you know that, but after I met her my whole perspective on life changed. I didn't want to work 24/7 anymore, I wanted to spend time with her and instead of dreaming about tropical vacations I'd dream about playing with our kids in the backyard or bringing them to Disney World," I smiled picturing Marissa pushing a stroller through a theme park, and me holding our oldest's hand. I could see her holding our baby, smiling and waving to me and our other kid on Dumbo. "She's going to be a great mother, she just doesn't know it yet. But that's besides the point. The point is that we went to the doctor and she realized she wanted to have the baby and then not ten minutes later I find out that she's been hiding the fact that she was pregnant before from me."

"So she hid a kid from you the whole time you were dating?"

"No, she had a miscarriage. But the fact is, is that she was pregnant and didn't tell me. I laid everything out on the table about my life for her and she kept this from me. How could she keep something so big from me? I just, it made me loose so much trust."

"Well did you ask her why she didn't tell you?"

"I couldn't give her a chance to explain because I thought I was dying, so I left her there. Then three months later after I made my lawyer send her papers to get a paternity test and to tell her I'd be filing for sole custody she came and found me and explained it all, which made me feel like a complete dickhead."

"Well did she have a good reason?"

"Of course she did. Something that I should have realized had I even thought for one second that day. But I didn't think then and I didn't think for three months after that because I was too busy getting hammered trying to drink my problems away. And now, now I don't know what to do. I want to trust her again but I don't know if I can, and at the same time she's four and a half months pregnant and I haven't told anyone about it." There it was, the weight being lifted off my shoulders that I was hoping for. I got it all out, and somehow I was even more confused then before. Because before I didn't realize how big of an asshole I actually was. I didn't even think I did one thing wrong, but actually saying it out loud made me realize that I didn't do one thing right. I should have let her explain that day, or at least the next week. She was in the hospital for God's sake and I didn't even go make sure she was okay. But still, can I trust her again?

"Do you love her Justin?"

"I've been trying really hard to not love her."

"Is it working?"

"Obviously not."

"Then what is there exactly to figure out?"

"I know it all seems so simple and all signs point to me forgiving her and going back to normal but you know how big trust is to me...I've just been hurt too many times because of it."

"You know you're comparing apples to oranges right? She didn't tell you something about her past, something that she had a good explanation for. It's not like she lied to you or cheated on you J. She's not Britney."

"What the fuck does Brit have to do with this? That was so long ago Kate, she's not even a dot on my radar anymore."

"You know that's exactly what this is about. She was the last person you actually trusted and she stomped all over it. You're afraid to feel the pain you felt when she cheated on you again, and you're comparing that situation to this one which in reality has zero similarities." I scoffed at her, this had nothing to do with Britney at least I didn't think so. "Look, I don't know this girl but from what your Mama tells me you two are pretty perfect together, and from sitting here talking to you I know that you love her. If she can do what she did, and you still love her that's saying something Justin." I sat up looking at her now knowing that she was right, she's always fucking right. What Marissa did wasn't right, I will never take full blame for this whole separation thing. However, the way I acted and rationalized things wasn't right either and in reality we're both to blame.

"Sometimes I wonder why we never worked out...me and you."

"Because I'd kick your ass that's why," she said leaning over and giving me a hug. "I want to meet your girl, and your kid...you, a father, poor little bastard."

"I know right, can you believe it?"

"Yeah actually I can. You'll be a great father J. If you're half as good a father as you are as a friend, then that kid is really lucky."

"Thanks Kate...Alright lets go," I said getting up and whistling for Buckley who was still in the water, "You deserve some peach cobbler."

"Shut up, Granny's over?"

"Of course she is I'm home, you know I'm her favorite."

***

I woke up the next morning in a much better mood. Katie stayed at my house until about 3 in the morning, we sat around the pool with my parents and the dogs and just caught up with each other and reminisced about our childhood. Katie was my neighbor turned, partner in crime, turned girlfriend, turned girl who beat me up. Next to Trace, she was my best friend. She was the Luke to my Marissa. When I came running down the stairs following the smell of pancakes, waffles, grits, eggs and bacon there was a smile on my face, one that I had no intentions of taking off. I was going to enjoy the next week here and then go back to Boston and patch things up with Marissa. I planned on calling her today to let he know that I figured things out and we'd talk when I got back. 

"Well you're in a much better mood," my mother said as I sat down at the table. She put a plate of deliciousness in front of me and I wasted no time picking up my fork and shoving piles of food in my mouth.

"Mmmm...We hd a gd tak las nit. Thin ar goo..."

"Quit talkin' with your mouth full Justin, come on now I taught you better then that." 

"Sorry Mama," I said after swallowing and wiping my mouth, "Kate and I talked and I just...I feel better, things are good."

"Well good then. I hope they stay that way, I don't like seeing you upset you know that."

"I know...and I'm sorry for acting like an ass yesterday."

"It's okay baby...you're 26 you allowed to be an ass and even say ass sometimes..." just then the phone started ringing. I pushed my chair back to go answer it but my mother shooed me away. She answered the phone chipper like she always does and when she didn't say anything past hello I looked up to see her face drop and her hand over her mouth. I stood up walking over to her just waiting for her to say something to the person on the other end of the phone or to me, but she said nothing she just handed me the phone.

"Who is it? What's wrong?"

"It's Trace."

"Trace? Mama what happened...fuck...Hello?"

"Justin I just booked you a flight it leaves at noon so get your shit together and get to the airport."

"What the fuck, what's wrong?"

"She was going to work...fuck just come home I can't tell you this over the phone."

"Tell me what the fuck happened right now Trace."

"She's in the hospital, well we're on our way."

"WHO IS SHE TRACE?"

"Who do you fucking think? Marissa, I know you two aren't all patched up or whatever but get over it if you aren't already and get to the fucking airport."

"What about the..."

"We don't know...look I'll explain when you get here I have to go," he hung up without even saying goodbye. I dropped the phone and ran upstairs throwing a weeks worth of stuff into my suitcase as fast as I could. My mother ran up behind me and helped me get the dogs together and get everything packed in the car. I went over to the drivers side and she stopped me saying I wasn't in any state to drive which was true so I let her take me to the airport. What was really only a ten minute drive seemed like it took forever, my heart was racing and I still didn't know what happened to her or if our baby was going to be okay. She didn't even know that I was over our stupid fight and now God only knows what's happened to her.

"What did Trace tell you? What happened?"

"I don't know baby he just said that they were in the ambulance going to the hospital and to do everything that I could to get you on the plane."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm such a fucking asshole. I can't fucking believe this right now. I mean what if it's something awful, what if she doesn't make it. Why...why does this have to happen to me right now?"

"Justin...it's going to be okay..."

"IT'S NOT! It's not okay because we got into a stupid fight and I ran away like a little kid.  It's not okay because I'm not there right now and she's hurt and where am I? IN TENNESSEE! It's not fucking okay." She didn't say anything because she knew I was right. We pulled into the airport parking lot and I jumped out giving her a hug and telling her that I love her before I ran to the departure gates while she took the dogs to oversized baggage. Not only was this a last minute flight that I was going to be a nervous wreck on the whole time, but it was also a commercial flight so I'm probably going to get a million people coming up to me for autographs and that's the last thing I want to be doing right now.

I just made it to the gate before they closed the doors. They had security escort me to my seat, which was totally unnecessary since they walked off the plane right after I sat down. It's not that hard to find row A seat 1, I actually needed them when people started coming up to me but where were they for that? After what seemed like the 50th person came up to me I finally said something to a flight attendant and they made an announcement to leave me the fuck alone. They said it a little bit nicer then that but that's exactly what I was thinking. The plane finally landed after what seemed like days and I sprinted off the plane. Running down the escalator steps I pulled my cell phone out to call Trace.

"Where are you?"

"Hey, Eric is meeting you at arrivals. We're at Mass General Hospital. We're in the ICU, you're on the list to get in so have your ID ready."

"How is she? What's going on?"

"I don't know they won't let us in because we're not family. The only reason why they're letting you in is because she's pregnant with your kid."

"Well what have they told you?" I asked spotting Eric and throwing my bags in the trunk.

"They won't tell us anything J. She was in pretty rough shape though."

"Fuck...I'll be there in 10 minutes." I hung up jumping into the front seat of the car. It wasn't until we started pulling out that I realized there were about 20 photographers surrounding us, just what I needed. "Fuuuuuuuuck me! Do they know...the photographers do they know?"

"They know she's in the hospital. They were the ones that called 911."

"What happened?"

"All I know is that she was walking to work like any other normal day and someone basically jumped on her and she smashed her head on the ground. Luckily people were following her and they called 911. The cops called Trace because he was the last person in her phone that she called, and when we got there she was barely conscious."

"The baby...what about the baby?" He just looked at me shaking his head, "What does that mean Eric, shaking your head isn't an answer."

"She was losing a lot of blood...it wasn't looking good but I don't know for sure."

"Why? Tell me fucking WHY."

"I'm sorry man."

"Yeah...if only that would make everything better." I put my head against the window closing my eyes and praying harder then I've ever prayed before. Come to think of it, I don't think I've prayed at all in a very long time. We pulled up to the hospital and I jumped out of the car, literally swatting cameras out of my face and I may or may not have thrown a couple people to the ground. I ran over to Trace and he confirmed Eric's story, adding something about the person talking to her and saying something but he couldn't make out what Marissa was saying when she told him. The cops weren't able to catch the guy right away but had a good description of him and were still on the look out. Amy was curled up on the floor in the corner with her knees to her chin crying. As much as I wanted to go over to her and say hi she just wasn't even on my list of things to do right now. I ran over to ICU showing them my ID and waiting forever for them to allow me back. I had to fill out paperwork and while I was doing that I asked the nurse what was going on.

"She's having a hard time staying conscious right now. We had to take her into surgery because she lost a lot of blood, and she was also bleeding internally. She's got a few broken ribs and her left leg needed to be repaired surgically as well. Now when you see her, she's going to be hooked up to a lot of cords and monitors so don't be alarmed. Her head is all wrapped up and the bleeding has stopped. As of right now the worst is over, but she's beat up pretty badly. She'll talk to you and then mid sentence she'll kind of doze off but right now that's the meds."

"But she's going to live yes?"

"As long as things continue to progress the way they have been, yes."

"And the baby?"

"As you know the baby in a way goes through the same thing as its mother. She was kicked in the stomach quite a few times, and due to that plus the stress, struggle and the surgeries, the babies heart rate has been going way down and that is concerning to us. It's being monitored right now. It's looking better then it did a few hours ago." I rubbed my head and closed my eyes hoping that when I opened them again I'd be able to see straight. Everything she was saying I heard and understood but it was just too much information at once.

"Can I please see her now?"

"Yes sir, please follow me this way." We walked through the ICU and I was looking into other rooms. We past at least 5 where people were literally on there death bed with family surrounding them and some even had a priest in there for last rights. No one that I saw looked like they'd be leaving the hospital anytime soon unless they were going to a cemetery. We finally got to the end of a very long hallway and she pointed to the last room on the right. I took a minute to collect myself before I walked around the opened door. She was lying there asleep with tubes and wires coming out of her. Her head was wrapped in gauze and her face was all bruised. I could tell that she was breathing funny, her stomach going up and down a lot less then normal. I walked closer and pulled a chair up next to her bed, kissing her forehead before I sat down. I took her hand in mine, and put my other hand on her stomach hoping to feel our baby kick just like I did a week ago. She didn't move which made me all the more nervous because she's such a light sleeper she use to wake up when I'd breath on her neck. I had so much to say, but I didn't know if she could hear me. I looked over at the nurse with questioning eyes but didn't say a word. "Most of the time when they wake up, they'll tell you that they heard you."

"Thanks," I said as tears fell down my face.

"Let me know if you need anything Mr. Timberlake," then she walked out the door closing it behind her.

"I...I don't know if you can hear me or not, but the nurse says you'll tell me if you did when you wake up, because you will wake up," I put my leg under me getting as comfortable as possible. "I'm sorry for everything. For not letting you explain, for not talking to you for three months and for running away to Tennessee. I should have been here, I have no excuse. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere ever again. Me and you and the baby we're going to be a family, a damn good family. We're going to be there to support each other and love each other and it's going to be perfect. I made you that promise a year ago and I broke it, but this time it's going to be different. I love you Ris, and there is nothing you could do to make me stop. I tried to stop, I tried so hard but I couldn't because you are my soul mate. We belong together. We may have made mistakes, both of us not just you, but who doesn't right? I just need you to fight harder then you've ever fought before to make it through this, because without you I'm nothing. Just some drunk that has no life meaning. I need you with me, beside me forever. I can't lose you...you and this baby, you're my world. I love you so much...please, please pull through this baby...please." I put my head down on the bed, crying harder then I've ever cried before listening to the beeping of the machines and her breathing. In my head I was asking her, God, anybody really to give me a sign and as if she read my mind I felt her gently squeeze my hand. 

"Mr. Timberlake...Mr. Timberlake..." I felt taping on my shoulder.

"Huh? What?" I said opening my eyes and lifting my head up to see two nurses standing there.

"Mr. Timberlake would you like to go get a coffee or something to eat?"

"No...no I'm fine. I'm not going anywhere."

"We need to take Miss Mitchell for some testing so maybe you can go home and freshen up..."

"More tests? What's going on here? It's been two days and she's still not awake. I'm not stupid there's something you're not telling me." I was sitting in the same chair I was two days ago wearing the same clothes, still holding her hand, hoping and praying for her to open her eyes or at least give me some sign that she's okay. Now there were two nurses telling me that they were taking her for what seemed like the millionth test and they've yet to tell me what the problem is.

"As we told you yesterday sir, since you're not really her family we can't share with you the details of Miss Mitchell's test results. However we can tell you that your child is making some major strides and is looking better and better everyday."

"I don't know what you people don't understand. I am her fucking family. I'm the only family she has, so I would appreciate it if you'd cut the crap and tell me what's wrong."

"We understand your frustration, but you need to understand that we are restricted by law Mr. Timberlake..."

"How is it, that you, complete strangers or anyone that has access to her records for that matter can know what's wrong with her but I can't. You don't even know anything about her, but I could sit here for days and tell you everything. Like for example when she brushes her teeth, she wets the toothbrush turns the water off, puts toothpaste on then wets the toothbrush again before she even starts brushing. Or how about the fact that when she sleeps on her back she has nightmares. Did you know that when she's nervous she twirls her thumbs? I bet even after all your tests you don't know that she has a freckle on her left hip, or that she loves to have her back scratched and when you hit just the right spot she'll sigh and fall right into your hand. Can you tell me her fears, because I can tell you. She's afraid of elevators, and bugs even the smallest of bugs she'll freak out and jump up on furniture to get away from them. Have you ever seen her eyes light up when she sees something that makes her happy? Or how she can't keep a straight face when she's trying to act mad, the right side of her lip will start to rise if she looks at you and then she'll start laughing. Did you know any of that? Are you feeling your heart break over and over again every time you look at her and see her lying there motionless without a smile? Or is she just another patient that you forget about when you go home and curl up to your significant other at night? I am her family. Me and that baby, that's all she has."

"Mr. Timberlake..."

"Don't. Take her for the tests, and while you're wheeling her there think about how you would feel if this was your boyfriend or girlfriend and no one was telling you what was going on. I'll be in the waiting room." I got up kissing her forehead and breathed in her scent that was quickly becoming unfamiliar and the same as the rest of the hospital. I walked past the nurses out the door not looking at them and went to the waiting room. I had to adjust my eyes to the lights that seemed to be a thousand times brighter then the ones in her room. I sat down on the couch leaning my head back trying to figure out what the next step was. How was I going to get some answers, where do I go from here? I felt the couch move just as I was about to doze off and my head shot up to see Trace and Amy sitting next to me. I wrapped my arm around Amy's neck and pulled her closer to me while resting my head on top of hers.

"Anything?" Trace asked.

I shook my head knowing that it couldn't be good if she still wasn't awake from two days ago. Last time I checked if you don't wake up for that long, you're in a coma and that is never a good thing. "They won't tell me anything if it doesn't pertain to the baby who is looking better and better everyday, but Marissa on the other hand still hasn't woken up. I don't know what the fuck to do, what happened to her Trace? Something more then some asshole attacking her had to have happened."

"I don't know J. She was doing great all week, she woke up went to class came home for lunch and then she went to go to work. Then 10 minutes later I got a call from a cop saying that she was attacked. When I got there, it was just a bloody mess and then I called you. But I'm with you I feel like there's more to this then just that. She'll pull through though man, she's strong."

"I've been such an ass for the past three months. I'm such a fucking idiot, what if she never wakes up?"

"STOP IT!" Amy yelled. "She will wake up, stop acting like she's not going to. She'll wake up because she's been living and breathing for that baby. She's going to wake up...she's my best friend and I know her, she'll wake up. She wouldn't leave you alone with that baby, she promised you'd be a family. And she won't leave me maid of honorless. So just stop, please stop."

"It's okay baby, we know," Trace said wrapping his arms around her, and she buried her face in his shoulder. I couldn't look at them, if I did I'd lose it so I threw my head back again until I heard a nurse come back for me.

"Mr. Timberlake?

"Yes? Is she back in her room?"

"No sir, she's not. Could you come with me for a moment please?" I looked over at Trace and he had the look of utter fear in his eyes. Amy was still curled up next to him crying. I slowly stood up afraid that she was going to tell me something awful. She started walking back to the ICU and stopped looking down the hall making sure no one was there before we went into the corner before the doors. I looked at her with pleading eyes. "I'm not suppose to tell you this, but I heard what you said in that room earlier and you're right you deserve to know what's going on. Miss Mitchell, she has bleeding in her brain." At that moment my heart stopped beating. I wasn't a doctor, but I've watched enough Grey's Anatomy and ER with Marissa to know this wasn't something that was to be taken lightly. "She's going to need to go into surgery again, and they're going to have to drain the blood and repair any broken vessels. Now this will be her third and most intrusive surgery, it's risky I'm not going to lie to you and there is more risk due to the fact that she's pregnant. A Neurosurgeon will be doing the surgery and another doctor will be there monitoring the baby." I started pacing, I didn't know what else to do. They were going to slice open her head, all this over some stupid fuck trying to attack her.

"Tell me the risks...tell me the chances...for both of them damnit!"

She looked around again, making sure no one could over hear our conversation. When she saw that the coast was clear she continued, "It's very risky, anything to do with the brain is risky, however this is about as simple of a procedure as they come. Her chances of survival since she's pregnant is about 65%, and since the baby isn't even close to full term the chance of survival is less then that since trauma and stress can cause some problems as well as if the mother dies and we have to deliver, the baby would be born without fully developed organs."

"So your telling me that there is a 35% chance that she could die in surgery, and even more of a chance for my unborn child?"

"I know this is difficult to process, but those chances are actually really good for cases dealing with brain surgery."

"When does she go in? I need to see her before she does."

"She is in surgery now sir. She should be out in a couple of hours." That was it. That was all I could take. Now they are lying to me about taking her for tests. I understand that there's no ring on her finger and that we're not blood related, but how could they take someone into a high risk surgery and not let the people closest to them know or say goodbye or good luck even.

"Is this even fucking legal?"

"Unfortunately it is, so here's my best advice for you. We have the best surgeon in there with her right now and it's going to be a couple of hours at least, so why don't you go home and take a shower. Eat something and do whatever you need to do and then come back in a few hours. There's no reason for you to stay here if she's in surgery."

"What if something happens?"

"You can't think like that. She's been through a lot the past couple of days and she's pulled through, her attacker got her pretty good. She has the will to live, so you have to have faith in that."

"Faith," I scoffed, "Look where faith has gotten us so far."

"She'll pull through, and if anything should happen we'll call you, but for now...go home Justin." It was the first time in two days someone has actually called me Justin and not Mr. Timberlake and in a way it kind of made me feel human again, like this wasn't a nightmare but real life. There was nothing I could do sitting here waiting for her to come out, I had to go home and take care of myself and just believe that she'd be okay.

"Thank you. They have my number at the desk, please make sure they call with anything at all."

"Your welcome. Now go freshen up before you start stinkin' up the floor."

I walked back to Trace and Amy and told them I was going home for a bit. I didn't tell them she was in surgery because I knew Amy would flip out and we didn't need anyone besides me flipping out right now because I was doing it enough for the both of us. They both just looked at me not saying a word and watched me walk through the sliding glass doors. Once the doors opened it was like all hell broke loose. I was practically trampled by people and flashes were going off like crazy. I tried to make my way to the car Eric left for me but I was literally at a stand still surrounded at one point. They were asking questions left and right and my mind was going in a million different directions. I just needed to get to the damn car.

Justin how's she doing?

Is it true that she's pregnant?

Justin who was it that attacked her?

What's her status? Is she in critical condition?

Justin is she dead?

"REALLY? You're really going to do this right now? All of you get the fuck out of my way so I can get to my God damn car. When will you assholes stop?" Some of them stepped aside and others just continued with what they were doing. I made it to my car and blasted the radio speeding off not caring if I even ran one of them over. I pulled into the driveway of our apartment complex and turned the car off, banging my head off of the steering wheel unable to wrap my head around everything that was going on. Like a zombie I walked into our apartment and as soon as I sat down on the couch I lost it. I was trying to stay strong for everyone involved for the past two days and the minute I was alone surrounded by everything that was her I completely broke down. I was crying so hard it was hard to breath. How am I suppose to handle knowing that there's a chance the love of my life and my child could die within a couple of hours. How am I supposed to handle any of this?

After hours worth of sobbing I reached over and turned the television on, and quickly turned it off when I realized that this was breaking news on every fucking channel I turned on. People didn't even know what was going on, only that she was in the hospital and it was fucking everywhere. I got up going into the bathroom and prepared to take a shower. I probably smelt like a homeless person, and like that nurse said, there's nothing  I can do but wait.

***

Marissa

I could hear voices, and I could see different people. I saw Justin and Luke. I saw Trace and Amy on the alter putting rings on each others fingers, and I saw Frankie sitting at a Red Sox game taunting the other team. My head was pounding and everyone was talking at the same time. I saw myself pushing a baby stroller down the street, and I saw my family gathered at a table talking about how great it was to have me out of there lives. Everything was flashing in front of me and it was just making my head hurt more. I saw a quite corner with flowers and walked over to it, sitting down and putting the flowers to my nose. It was silent, so peacefully silent. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, only to be woken up moments later by beeping and hearing someone calling my name.

"Marissa...can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can hear me." I squeezed down as hard as I could and then I heard someone start crying. I looked around trying to find the person but I couldn't see anyone, just a bright white room covered with my favorite flowers. I was searching frantically for this person that was crying but there was no one, and no door to leave this room. I started banging on the walls and the noise was making my head explode every time. I finally sat on the floor holding my head. When I opened my eyes I was on longer in the white room with flowers. I looked in front of me and there was a blue curtain hanging down from the ceiling, and to my left was a monitor beeping with staggering lines going across it. I felt someone stand up next to me and when I turned my head I saw the love of my life standing over me with tears drowning his eyes.

"Ris...oh thank God," he practically slammed down on top of me wrapping his arms around me putting his left hand on my cheek almost as if to make sure I was real. The weight of his body on me hurt like hell, and the one thing that didn't change was my head pounding out of my head. I reached up and felt a wrap on my forehead and became even more confused then I already was.

"Where am I? What happened?"

"You in the hospital baby. Do you remember anything?" I shook my head.

"There was a white room with flowers...I saw Frankie at the game...Before that I remember walking to work." I saw doctors come in and check papers that were coming out of the monitor and one of them wrapped a cuff around my arm and started taking my blood pressure.

"You saw Frankie?"

"Yeah...at the game. We went to the game and he was taunting the Yankees, you know him he hates them so much."

"I know baby...I know," he was crying again.

"Why the tears?"

"They're happy tears." After he said that it was as if I snapped back into reality. Justin was sitting next to me and holding my hand...Justin, my Justin.

"Justin?" I asked.

"Yeah babe, I'm here."

"You came back for me...you really do love me."

"Of course I love you. I never stopped loving you, I should have never left in the first place."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, "I'm sorry I lied and kept secrets, I drove you away just like I drove everyone else in my life away."

"None of that matters right now, all that matters is that your alive and our baby is okay and we are going to be a family. I love you Marissa, nothing else matters."

"Frankie's gone isn't he?" He stroked my forehead, still holding on tight to my hand.

"Yeah, Frankie's gone. But he's in a better place."

"He's happy." He nodded in agreement and then put his lips to my hand. "My head hurts a lot." It wasn't until then that one of the doctors spoke up.

"Marissa my name is Dr. Goulding and I'm a neurosurgeon. We had to do some surgery on you that's going to make your head feel like it's going to explode for a couple of days. These IV's coming out of your hands," he lifted up a couple of tubes that were being held down by medical tape, "one of them is a pain medication, and the other one is to help your baby." I nodded my head understanding what he said, "do you remember anything about how you got here?"

"No...not really. I remember walking to work and then I remember hitting my head. I remember hearing Trace calling an airline, and Amy holding my hand. I think I remember Justin coming but maybe I was just dreaming..."

"You heard me?"

"Yeah...I heard you and I can remember trying so hard to squeeze your hand but I don't know if I did."

"You did baby..."

"Do you know what day it is Marissa?" The doctor asked.

"Ummm...Monday?"

"Okay, it's actually Wednesday night. The accident happened on Monday."

"What accident?"

"For right now we just want you to get some rest okay. It's really important for your recovery and the baby's."

"Okay," I said letting it go for now because the more I talked the more my head hurt, "but can Justin stay?"

"Of course. We'll be back to check on you in a couple of hours okay?" They walked out and I turned my head to Justin looking into his crystal blue eyes. I've missed them so much.

"Will you come and lay with me?" He nodded getting up off of his chair and throwing his leg over the railing of the bed. I slid over realizing then that every bone in my body hurt and that I had a cast on my left leg. What the hell fucking happened to me? "I hurt," I said with a pouty face.

"Sorry, did I hurt you?" he asked taking his hand off of my stomach.

"No," I said putting his hand back, "I just mean that I'm all wrapped up, my leg, my head."

"I know, but you're strong and you pulled through. I thought I was going to lose you and I didn't know what to do."

"I could never leave you...I know it may not seem like it right now because I'm in so much pain, but I can't even explain to you how happy I am that you came back, and how good it feels to feel you touch me again. I thought you'd never forgive me."

"I was stupid Marissa, you weren't the only one that didn't do the right thing. I should have let you explain, I should have trusted you."

"Can I kiss you?" I asked not wanting to overstep my boundaries, but at the same time craving his lips on mine.

"Why are you asking me that? Of course you can kiss me..."

"I...I just asked because I guess I just wasn't sure if we're back to normal. It's been a while and I just...I missed you so much Justin." He sat up on his elbow leaning down and ever so gently put his lips on mine. It was like our first kiss all over again. I had butterflies in my stomach and my lips began to tingle. He backed away shortly after and I looked at him in the eyes again and all the pain was momentarily taken away.

"I never...EVER want you to ask me that question again. I love you, and we are better then normal. From here on out things are going to be different, if you thought everything was great before get ready for the ride of your life because it's going to be even better once we get you home."

"We're having a baby," I said for the first time directly to him since I found out I was pregnant, "I can not wait to have a baby with you."

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that. But before we have a baby you need to get better. Soon you'll be good as new," He kissed my forehead before I shimmied painfully down the bed a little bit to put my head on his chest. I put my hand on top of his on my stomach and closed my eyes listening to his heartbeat. It was beating strong and hard, just like the baby's, and for the first time in four months...just like mine.

***

Before the whole escapade when Justin left me in the doctor's office, I'd never had an overnight visit to the hospital. That time I was there for a week, and this time I was in for close to a month. After a couple more turns for the worse, I was better in about two weeks, but while monitoring the baby the doctors found some things that they wanted to keep an eye on for a little longer. Justin was with me the entire time, only leaving to go home every so often to get a few changes of clothes or to run to school for me to get makeup work so that I wouldn't be too far behind to catch up. Amy and Trace came to visit almost everyday, and Amy and I would sit and talk wedding plans for their early 2009 wedding. They said they were going to do it in November but they wanted the baby to be in the wedding so they were holding off.

Things were back to normal, well as normal as they can be sitting in a hospital bed all day. Once I felt good enough, Justin and I hashed out everything that happened and decided to put it all behind us. We all make mistakes, some bigger then others but when you love someone you love them for everything including their mistakes. We also did a lot of talking about the future. The baby was due in January and if everything went as planned I was graduating in December. We had planned on moving out to LA right after graduation but since the baby is due so soon after, we decided to stay here for the birth. We also talked about our apartment here in Boston. Justin wants to buy it so that we'll have a place to stay when we come back to visit. I informed him that I never planned on coming back to visit but then he reminded me that I didn't just have family here but I had my friends and Amy and Trace were going to be permanently staying here too.  Also I'm going to need to come back to get my fix of baseball/basketball/football/hockey games, so after much convincing we decided that buying was the right thing to do. I still felt uneasy about it though because I really wouldn't be able to contribute to paying for it but he tells me every single day not to worry about it.

We somehow managed to sneak out of the hospital at the end of September unnoticed. They must have gotten bored following Justin back and forth from the apartment to the hospital, and after some strategic planning we were able to get by the few people that were left outside. I was put on strict bed rest for two weeks and if after that everything seemed okay I was allowed to go back to school and go back to work part time. Justin's parents were flying in the day I got home and we were going to finally tell them the news about me being pregnant, 5 and a half months later. Lynn had wanted to come visit in the hospital but Justin wouldn't let her because he wanted to tell her about the baby when we were in the clear so that she wouldn't be worrying too.

When Justin opened the apartment door a huge smile formed on my face. I hadn't been to the place I called home in over four months and being back was overwhelming. I'm not sure if it was pure excitement or hormones but I broke down like a 2 year old that just got my toy taken away.

Once we got settled (meaning Justin made me pee and then promptly tucked me into bed putting the remote in my hand and a bottle of water on the nightstand next to me) Justin went to go pick up his parents from the airport. He contrived a huge plan to hide my now large stomach behind numerous blankets and comforters and we were to tell his parents "when the time is right." The moment he left however, I threw each and every blanket off of me so that I wouldn't die of heat stroke. It made me so happy to see how excited he was about this baby. His happiness took my reservations and fears away and actually made me start to get excited about it too, and I could not wait to share the news with his parents. The moment I heard the front door open and the chatter coming from downstairs I threw the blankets back on me and patiently waited for them to come up. About 10 minutes and 2 gallons of sweat later I finally heard them coming up the steps. Lynn barged through the door and gave me a hug, and I was somehow able to throw a pillow over my stomach before she reached me running at full speed. Everyone sat down on the bed and Justin started with the small talk. I knew he wanted to wait for the right time, but I was dying. I reached over to grab the bottle of water and took a sip as Lynn asked if anything was new. Justin was going on and on about when we were moving back to LA and stupid stuff and I couldn't take it anymore.

"So..." I said interrupting him, "we're having a baby." He shot me a death stare but I knew he'd get over it. "I'm sorry, but if I don't come out from under these covers I'm going to pass out." I said it all in a matter of 5 seconds and I think it took Lynn actually seeing me to process what I had just said.

"A...A...A baby? Paul...Paul did you hear what she said? Look at her, they're having a baby," she looked at him with tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. We were making one of her lifelong dreams come true and it made me feel so good inside.

"I heard her Lynn...this is incredible news."

"Justin how could you not tell me that you were having a baby. I mean look at her she must be what 5 or 6 months along and you kept this from me? Why I outta..."

"I'm sorry Mama, but with Ris being in the hospital there were a few complications and we just wanted to make sure everything was okay before we told you. I didn't want to get your hopes up, and we wanted to tell you in person together and this was the first chance we got," he said grabbing my hand and looking at me with a smile.

"My baby is having a baby. I don't think I've ever been so happy in my life," she said throwing her arms around Justin.

"Hey what about when I was born?"

"Oh sweetie this is so much more exciting...this time it's not my baby to take care of. I can spoil it and give it whatever I want and send it back to you guys to deal with the hard stuff."

"Thanks Mama," he said with a pout.

"Oh Justin, you'll get over it," she said hitting him in the shoulder before turning to me, "And you missy...you look so beautiful," she leaned in and gave me a hug. "Thank you...thank you for giving me this great gift, and for loving my son the way you do. You are truly a blessing to this family, we love you and don't you ever forget that."

"No, thank you. All of you," I said trying to hold back tears again. "A year ago I was this broken girl, with no meaning in life. I had no family and I thought I'd be alone forever, and now you guys...you welcomed me into your family with open arms and I've never felt love like this before. Not even just from Justin but from both of you. You all gave me something to live for, now I have meaning. And to top it off, I get to bring proof of that love into the world. So thank you for caring about some nobody, and giving me a chance. It means the world to me." Both Lynn and I were wiping away tears, and she threw her arms around me again. This whole hormonal thing on top of me being and emotional mess anyway was going to leave me in tears for a good part of everyday.

"Alright, alright, enough of this love fest," Justin said knowing that we'd both be crying for hours if he didn't break it up, "what about me? I'm your damn son!"

"I love you too sweetheart, I'm very proud of you."

"I love you too Mama, and you too Pops," he said putting his arms around them, "now lets go make dinner so that Ris can rest up before we eat." They agreed showering me with hugs and kisses before walking out and leaving just Justin and I on the bed.

"Sorry I blurted it out but I was hot."

"It's okay...you're allowed to deviate from the plan because your pregnant."

"Thanks, doesn't it feel good to say it out loud to somebody?"

"One of the greatest feelings in the world...I love you."

"I love you too babe," I said leaning forward and kissing him.

"Mmmmm," he said backing away, "If you kiss me any longer I might have to take your clothes off."

"I don't think the doctor would approve of that Mr. Timberlake."

"The doctor can suck it Miss. Mitchell."

"Go make me dinner ya perv."

"Oh I'll make you dinner," he said looking down to the bulge in his pants.

"JUSTIN!"

"Alright alright I'm going," he said getting up and walking towards the door.

"Babe?" He turned around just as he was about to walk out, "It feels really good to be home."

"It's really great to have you home Ris. It feels really good to be a family again."

I woke up this morning to no one lying next to me. I stretched my arm out to rub her back and I landed on cold sheets instead of her body. When I opened my eyes I saw her sheets turned over and all five of her pillows stacked. She'd been home for a month, and today she was scheduled to go in to get her cast taken off of her leg. She was cleared about a week ago to go back to class and do some light work and luckily the radio station has been really accommodating and since she's been working there for so long and has proven she's good at what she does they let her take some short term disability leave. She was excited to go back though. After two days of doing nothing but lying in bed and watching TV she got really restless, and I thought after a while she might go mentally insane. When we went back in two weeks and they told her another week I thought she was going to break the doctors face, but now she's cleared and doing her normal everyday things. I threw the sheets off of me and stood up stretching. The clock read 6:30am, it was way too early. She was having a lot of trouble sleeping lately with the baby being really active at night, and I felt awful that there was nothing I could do about it. I even went out and bought a special pillow that's suppose to help, but after three hours of trying to use it unsuccessfully she threw it at my head and went downstairs to watch TV, which is where I assumed she was right now.

When I walked down stairs to the living room she was nowhere to be found, after searching throughout the whole apartment I finally spotted her in the one room I would never think she'd be in. She had her left foot underneath her, a pencil in her mouth and a notebook on her lap. Her fingers were sprawled over the keys and every few minutes she'd write something down in the notebook. Her glasses were sitting on the tip of her nose, and she was wearing one of my t-shirts that just last week made it so that you couldn't see her little beach ball, but 7 days later it was clearly noticeable. I leaned on the wall watching her; she was in another world and didn't even know that I was there. This was the third time since I moved here that she's sat down at that piano, and only the second time I've seen her play. I didn't recognize the song she was playing and if it were anyone else I'd think that she was writing a song, but she told me that she wasn't really that good at the piano she could just play songs here and there. I watched her for a good ten minutes before she took her glasses off, threw them on top of the piano and closed her notebook. She brushed her fingers over the keys one last time before she looked up and jumped a little when she saw me standing there.

"What are you doing up?"

"I should be asking you the same question," I said pushing myself off the wall and walking over to her.

"I couldn't sleep and I didn't want to wake you up by tossing and turning so I just came down here," she pulled me down so that I was sitting next to her and she put her head on my shoulder, "what time is it?"

"Close to 7 by now. What time did you come down here?"

"Like 2:30ish. I didn't realize I was sitting here for that long."

"You looked like you were in the zone. If I didn't know you better I'd think you were writing a song." She threw the notebook on top of the piano quickly looking away from me.

"I'm not much of a songwriter," she said in a whisper still not looking at me.

"So then what were you playing?" I asked now knowing from her reaction that that's exactly what she was doing.

"Just...this song..."

"Called?"

"It doesn't have a name?" She said as a question.

"Because you're writing it and you haven't named it yet?"

"Maaaaaybe," she smiled.

"I thought you could only play songs here and there. I didn't know you could actually write songs."

"I wouldn't call it writing songs Justin...I'm just fooling around."

"You didn't look like you were fooling around...can I see?" I reached for the notebook but she grabbed it holding it away from me before I could get to it.

"NO! No, you can't see."

"Ris, let me see," I gave her a disapproving look.

"No...it's nothing really, it's not even remotely good. I just...I did a lot of journaling and a few lines stuck out so..."

"So...let me see it."

"I'm not about to let the master singer songwriter look at a piece of crap. You'll just laugh at me."

"Do you know me at all? I'm not going to laugh at you...but if you don't want me to that's fine."

"Thank you," she said putting the notebook on her lap. I went in to give her a kiss and backed away just as our lips were about to touch and grabbed the notebook off her lap jumping up off the seat and holding it above my head so that she couldn't reach it. She jumped up and tried reaching for it, even attempted to jump on my back but she finally gave up when she realized it just wasn't going to happen. Then she moved on to pouting and hoping her puppy dog eyes would work on me.

"Please baby?" I shook my head still holding the notebook over my head. "Come on Justin...I would never look at anything you didn't want me to." I shook my head again. "SERIOUSLY! Give it back!"

"I'm not giving it back until I read it. I promise you I won't laugh."

"Ugh...you always fucking win. I'm not staying in here while you read it though."

"Yes you are, sit down." I put my hand on her shoulders and walked her back over to the piano bench pushing down until she sat. I plopped down next to her on the bench opening the notebook to a page close to the back that was bunny eared. She wouldn't look at the notebook or me and her thumbs started twirling. I quickly flipped through and saw that she had written the music and lyrics for an entire song. I started singing it in my head and realized that I was actually tapping my foot to it and bobbing my head. The song itself, all aspects of it was pretty incredible. She really did have me fooled in thinking that she just "plays here and there." I read through it a few times really paying attention to the lyrics and it actually brought tears to my eyes. I put the notebook on the stand and started playing it. "I'm not a perfect person..."

"Justin...don't," but I didn't stop. I played it through singing along with it and about halfway through I could see her wiping tears off her face out of the corner of my eye.

"There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You
and the reason is You
and the reason is You

and the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

She didn't say anything after I finished, just sat there with her hand on her stomach and her eyes roaming the floor. I put my hand on her back slowly rubbing it up and down and I put my other hand on top of hers on her stomach. "I know it's stupid."

"It's not stupid Marissa...it's actually really good."

"You don't have to lie to me."

"I'm not lying...it's good."

"It's just...I started off writing it for you, and then in the middle I realized it kind of fit for the baby too. I...It's nothing really, I just wrote some stuff down in a journal when we were...well you know..."

"Can I record it?"

"WHAT? No...Justin, no. It's not even close to a recordable song, absolutely not," her eyes were bugging out of her head and her hands were flailing as she spoke.

"Just let me record it Ris. And if you hate it then fine, and if you like it maybe I'll use it for an album or something. It's really good, and it would mean a lot to me."

"Jus..."

"And thank you," I interrupted her, "you wrote that song for me and it...no one has ever written a song for me before. You're amazing and I love you, so thank you."

"Your welcome," her face relaxed a little bit. "I knew, and still know that it was me that fucked up and I just had to get it out somehow you know? So I wrote all this stuff down in my journal and I realized that not only was I hurting you, but also I was hurting the baby too by not taking care of myself. I started writing lyrics and then the accident happened, then this morning I took my journal out and just felt inspired I guess."

"You have the mindset of a really good, experienced songwriter. That song is really really great Maris, and I'm not just saying that because I'm your boyfriend. I think that you may have found something to pursue." She shook her head and scoffed at me.

"I think you need to get your head checked."

"You just called me a master singer songwriter and now you're doubting me? I'm not saying that I'm going to release it I just want to see what it sounds like recorded. Please?"

"You're going to do it even if I say no, so just do it."

"Thank you baby," I said getting up not realizing that the notebook was on my lap. It fell open on the floor and I slowly bent down to look at what it opened up to. I flipped through all of the pages in utter shock and then looked up at her. She was biting her bottom lip and almost looked like she was scared. "What is all this Ris?"

"It's nothing Justin, really."

"You call an entire notebook full of completed songs nothing? When did you do all this? And the better question is why have you never told me?"

"I don't know I guess it's just a form of therapy for me, I don't think that they're good by any means. When I can't sleep or when I have a lot of pent up feelings that I don't really know how to express I write. I didn't tell you because...I don't know would you want me sitting in on a session with your therapist?"

"Did you ever think that it would be even more therapeutic to actually hear it, to get it out there...Marissa this stuff is incredible, you could make so much money if you sold these songs."

"No, no, no, no. I'm not selling them. They're not that good Justin. What if I sell them and they flop, that would kill me even more. I mean they can't even be good enough to sell in the first place, no good songwriter writes a whole notebook full of songs in two weeks."

"TWO WEEKS? You wrote all this stuff in two weeks? I thought this notebook was from all the way back when you were a kid. Two weeks? I don't think I could even write a whole notebook of songs by myself, music and lyrics in two years! How many of these do you have Marissa?" 

"I don't know, maybe a hundred?" My heart started racing. I would kill to have a hundred notebooks like this and she's keeping them hidden. Suddenly I was inspired. Inspired to make her "therapy" so much more. If she sold just one of these songs, she could be a millionaire and she has them fucking hidden away.

"Baby...please," I literally got on my knees and started begging, "please let me just see those notebooks." She just looked at me, not saying anything. I know deep down she wanted me to have them, she wanted me to play around with the songs and maybe even record them but it was just going to take some convincing to actually let her realize it. "When I write songs...like real meaningful songs about my life I always feel better after I'm done writing them. But then after I record it, or someone else records it and I hear it...it's a feeling that I can't even describe. It's like all the pain suddenly goes away, or the love is that much stronger. I want you to feel that."

"I'll give you the notebooks if you promise me that you will only record that one song."

I raised my right hand, "I Justin Timberlake, promise thee Marissa Mitchell, that I will only record that one song...now give me the notebooks!" She got up and hobbled over to the closet that we kept our luggage in. She pulled out the one bag that we don't share because it's pink and opened it. It was filled to the brim with notebooks, all dated from the first song she wrote to the last one in that notebook. My mouth just dropped, I had no words for what was in front of me. I sat on the floor indian style and started sorting through the books. After a couple of minutes she bent down and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm going to get this stupid cast taken off, I'm sure you'll be sitting right here when I come back."

"I'm coming with you..."

"No, stay. I don't want to be here when you go through these and Amy is coming anyway so I won't be alone."

"You sure?"

"Positive. I'm going to go get dressed like a hobo so no one can see my beach ball which by the way isn't going to be possible to cover up much longer, and when I come back I'll race you around the house."

"So don't cover it up."

"Really?"

"Well yeah. But just wait until I'm with you to not cover it up so that they don't pounce on you alone." A big smile formed on her face. She'd been covering up for 6 months and finally she'll be able to just be normal again. For some reason I didn't want people to know even though there has been speculation since we first started dating. I mostly just don't want the added hype, but at the same time I'm really excited and proud to be a soon to be father and it's about time we tell the world. "They're going to ask for interviews and stuff though how do you feel about that?"

"You can do as many interviews as you want, I don't care about that."

"They're going to want you too."

"You know there is only one person I will sit down and actually do an interview for. Other then that...you're on your own buddy," she said walking out. "I love you, see you when I get back."

"Love you too baby."

***

She was right, when she got back three hours later I was still on the floor reading through her notebooks. I was completely mesmerized by all of them. It was almost like a VIP pass into her entire life. All of her  fears, thoughts, feelings, happiness, it was all at the tip of my fingers. I thought I knew everything there was to know about her, but I was so wrong. It's not like she was hiding things from me though, it was just stuff that either happened so long ago that it didn't matter anymore or things that she either forgot about or wouldn't even think to tell me about. I had so many questions, so many things to comment on, I had to pick her brain further. She walked in and sat down on the floor next to me. There were notebooks open all around me and I had my own notebook in front of me with notes and questions I had.

"You seem to be doing an awful lot of work for one song."

"You do realize that you have a catalog of fucking songs and ninety percent of them could be sold and you'd make fucking millions right? All of this, almost every single song in every single notebook is usable. I mean minus the stuff from when you were really small, but Ris I'm honestly in producer heaven right now." I said still flipping through a notebook.

"Well get out of it because you have one song that you can record and that's it," she grabbed my chin and turned my face towards her and glared at me, "one song Justin."

"But Marissaaaaaaaa..."

"No buts J."

"What will it take to get you to say yes. Not even to sell them but just to record some of them and see what they sound like. Then if you like them you can think about selling them. Baby I know people. I can get major recording artists to record these songs for you and you don't have to pay them or even say you'll give them the song if they like it. I'll do anything! You know what don't even say yes or no. I'll record that one song and once you hear it completed then answer. Just think about it okay?"

"If it will make you feel better then I'll think about it...but first I need to go take a shower because my leg smells like dirty asshole."

"That's the sexiest thing I've ever heard you say baby. I hope our kid has the same filthy mouth as its mother."

"One can only hope," she laughed as she got up. I watched her walk out, no longer on crutches.

"Does this mean I can't call you Gimpy anymore?" I yelled as she walked up the stairs.

"That would be correct."

"Alright, have fun in the shower Gimpy!"

"One more time Justin and you're not getting any action tonight," came muffled from upstairs. I chucked reaching into my pocket for my cell phone and dialing a number that was still familiar to me even after so many years. I kept flipping through the pages of her notebooks as the phone rang. Right before it was going to go to voicemail she picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey you filthy slut how the fuck are you?"

"You nasty piece of ass, you've come out of your cave?"

"Well you know, I figured I should come in contact with the outside world every once and a while. How's your kid?"

"He's amazing, I can't believe he's almost one! What about you, should I believe the rumor mill?"

"Depends on what rumor," I said laughing while writing down a note on one of the songs.

"Are you really going to be a father?"

"I am indeed actually."

"No shit. Little Justy having a baby. That poor little fucker."

"That's what they're all saying. I'll prove all of you wrong just wait and see. But listen I'm calling for a reason, well actually to ask you for a favor that is probably going to turn into something huge for you in the end."

"Are you up to no good Timberlake?"

"I'm never up to any good. But seriously, I have this song that I think would be perfect for you but I'm not sure if I can get the writer to sell it. I know once she hears you singing it she'll sell it, but I just need to convince her of that before. So I was wondering if you'd record it and if you like it I can probably get it sold to you to use for your new album."

"Of course, can you send me a demo?"

"That might be a little difficult to do. I can send you the music though."

"This sounds awfully sketch ball of you."

"It's a long story, you're just going to have to trust me."

"Okay. Send it over to me and I'll take a look at it and get back to you."

"Thanks lady. I owe you one."

"Oh please you owe me like thirty! I gotta go my kids crying."

"Talk to you soon. Check your E-Mail when you get a chance I'll send it to you in like 5 minutes."

"Alright bye J. And hey...Congrats, you're in for a lifetime of happiness. Enjoy it."

"Thanks slut, I'm sure I'll be calling you for advice."

"And I'll send your ass straight to voicemail. Bye Justin."

"Bye." I hung up the phone and ran upstairs like a serial killer trying to make my escape. I scanned the song and sent it off before Marissa got out of the shower and noticed that I even moved. I know I was going behind her back to do something that she didn't want done, but I also know her and once she hears even this one song she's going to realize that this is what she was meant to do and thank me for going behind her back.

***

She was walking around in nothing but short shorts and a tank top that no longer fit over her stomach, and her face was dripping in sweat. Two weeks ago we walked outside to a swarm of paparazzi and she was wearing a tight dress that confirmed every rumor. Since then we've had to add extra security due to the added people following us and now there was more of a threat. We both hated walking around with 4 big people flanking us at each side but we knew it had to be done. Not only for our safety but also for the baby's. Marissa was now 7 months pregnant and glowing, literally. We landed in LA this morning and we're scheduled to tape The Ellen show in a couple of hours. Marissa was running around trying to find something to wear and flipping out because nothing fit her "gigantic fucking watermelon," as she liked to call it. Up until now she was content with being pregnant, but just recently she's not been able to see her feet and she's having a hard time getting around. She wants to "get this baby out before I balloon to 500 pounds." The doctor seems to think that she's going to have the baby early so he didn't really condone us flying here and back to Boston but she convinced him that it was necessary. So we're cramming a whole lot of shit into 36 hours. After Ellen, I'm going to go record the song and unbeknownst to her, have someone else record another one. Then tomorrow we're going to go look at houses because my area of town doesn't really have a good school system, and we fly back home tomorrow night.

"Justin have you seen my black dress?"

"Which black dress Ris? You have about thirty of them."

"The one with the silver beads on it you know? It ties in the back..." she appeared in front of me taking a breath and putting her hand on her half bare stomach. I pulled her forehead to my lips and rested my head on top of hers.

"Why don't you just wear what you have on...it's pretty fucking sexy." She glared at me not saying a word. Her phone started ringing and I rolled my eyes, "change that fucking ring tone! It's been over a year now."

"Mmmm...no," she said smiling, "I like it when you get angry about it...turns me on," she kissed me and rushed to answer her phone. I watched her sit down on the bed and cradle the phone between her ear and her shoulder. I knew when she said "this is she," it might be kind of important so I sat down next to her. She was on the phone for a good ten minutes and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. She gasped a million times and said oh my god and oh no over and over again. Every time I'd look at her with questioning eyes she'd swat me away. I got up after a few minutes getting annoyed that I didn't know what was going on and I started looking through her bag for the dress she was looking for. I spotted it and pulled it out from the bottom of the bag just as she got off the phone.

"Look what I found, doesn't it look just plain sexy on me?" I said holding it up against my body only to see her sitting there with what seemed to be fear in her eyes. I dropped the dress and ran over to her, "What's wrong babe?"

"They found him..."

"They found who?"

"The guy...the guy that attacked me." It had been so long I almost forgot about that. Even though they had a good description and an eyewitness they were never able to track him down. "He was hired."

"Hired? What do you mean hired?" She looked down and I saw tears start to form. This couldn't be good.

"He was hired...by Victor. To kill me." My mouth dropped and my arms immediately went around her. She put her head on my shoulder and I could tell from her shortened breaths that she was trying really hard not to cry. I looked out the window not really knowing what to do. I thought back to what Brandon said to me that day at the Police Station and realized that this time it was me who fucked up. I thought I had everything under control, and I did until we took a break and then I completely disregarded it. She could have been killed and it would have been my fault because I could have prevented it and I didn't. I didn't know what to do. If I told her this now I had this fear that she'd just get up and leave, but if I didn't tell her now and she found out later it might make it worse. But how would she find out later? She sat up and looked at me and I just shook my head. She probably thought I was shaking my head at this information, but in reality I was shaking my head at myself and how stupid I was.

"They have him now...you have nothing to worry about anymore," I managed to squeeze out.

"What if he hires someone else Justin? What if they go after the baby?"

"We have plenty of security...they won't let that happen. I won't let that happen okay?"

"Promise?" This was something that I wish I could promise but I couldn't. I just looked at her not saying yes or no, just looked into her eyes and prayed to God that nothing like this would ever happen again. She knew I couldn't promise her and in a way I think she may have even appreciated the fact that I didn't say yes because we both know that it would be a lie. "Okay then," she said wiping the last tear off of her face and standing up, "life goes on, we have an interview to do and you found my dress exactly where I put it and looked fifty times."

"Yeah..."

"You okay J?"

"Yeah...I'm fine just a little shaken up by this I guess."

"I am too, but look...I'm fine, you're fine, the baby is fine. We can't let this stop us from living life. I got through it and if need be I'll get through it again."

"But we shouldn't have to worry about another time Ris."

"So then lets not okay? I just...I want to get past this. I don't want to think about it anymore and I don't want it to affect my life anymore. It's over okay...no more talking about it."

"Fine," I said standing up. "No more talking about it. Let's get ready and get this interview over with."

"I'm excited about it," she said taking the tank top off to expose her whole stomach, "I'm going to be on Ellen!"

"You're a nutcase."

"But you love me!"

"I do...and you look beautiful standing there in nothing but a bra and panties might I add."

"Oh please. I look like a beached whale!" She replied pulling the dress over her head, "will you help me zip this?" I zipped up her dress and kissed her head before spinning her around and crashing down onto her lips. I backed away after a few minutes and she looked at me, her eyes looking as if she were drunk. "What was that for?"

"Because I love you."

"Well I love you too, and thank you." She put on a cute pair of shoes that made her legs look even longer then they already are and gave herself a once over in the mirror. "I think this is as good as it's going to get Mr. Timberlake, you ready?"

"I'm ready."

I wasn't nervous until I stepped foot inside the green room, in fact I was ecstatic before then. Once we got there though I realized what I was about to do and panicked. I started sweating which in turn lead me to pace until Justin made me sit down on the couch. He was dreading this interview for the past week and I was just so excited about it...until now. I felt my stomach start to turn and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. This time it wasn't morning sickness though; it was just plain old nerves. I had met Ellen before at Justin's wrap party for his tour so sitting down and talking to her would be a piece of cake, but knowing that there was an audience in front of me and millions of people that would be watching from home scared the shit out of me.

"Are you going to throw up while the camera's are rolling too?" Justin asked laughing.

"Really funny J. Your pregnant girlfriend is throwing up and all you can do is laugh about it."

"I'm sorry baby. It's just funny because you've been so excited about this. Usually people don't throw up due to excitement."

"Well I'm not excited anymore...now I'm scared, and you laughing at me doesn't help."

"You'll be fine Ris," he said sitting down next to me on the bathroom floor. "Just ignore the cameras and talk to Ellen like it's just me, you and her in a room."

"Yeah and millions of people watching."

"Don't think about it like that. Honestly it's going to go by so fast and once it's over your going to think back and say 'I was nervous over this? What was I thinking?'"

"Easy for you say...you do this all the time."

"Doesn't matter, I still get nervous...I'll be next to you the entire time to back you up babe. If you can't answer a question I'll answer it for you. Trust me, it's going to be fine. Ellen's coming back in a few minutes, she'll go over some of the questions she's going to ask and by the time she leaves I can almost guarantee you'll feel comfortable. This isn't Oprah; it's not that serious. Just have fun with it, and you can think of it this way...you get to talk about the baby, and I know how much you love talking about the baby."

"As long as you back me up and people don't laugh at me..."

"I'm not going to lie...people might laugh at you, but you're a big girl you can handle it."

I hit his shoulder but couldn't help the smile that was forming on my face, "I hate you Timberlake."

"I love you too...now come on," he said standing up and holding his hand out for me to take so that he could help get me up off the floor, "everything will be fine, and you're going to have fun so no more throwing up because it's gross!"

"Your gross..."

"No you."

"No you."

"No you..." just then a we heard a knock on the door, which was probably a good thing since we would have gone back and forth forever if nothing interrupted us, "Come in." Ellen walked in the Green Room with her arms extended and walked right over to me and Justin wrapping one arm around his neck and one around mine.

"You two," she started backing away to look at us, "I can't believe it. I can't believe there is someone out there that would make Justin Timberlake settle down and have a kid. I am so so so happy for your guys!"

"Thanks," we both said in unison then looked at each other laughing. He grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the couch to sit down with him and Ellen. She started by telling us the kind of questions she would be asking during the show and if there were any questions that were off limits. Once we got through the pre interview questions we started chit chatting. I loved Ellen before, but after getting to know her, it made me love her even more. She and Justin were like Frick and Frack and that kind of took some of my nerves away.

Before I knew it they had us in hair and makeup and my pre show jitters were almost completely gone. The plan was for Justin to go out first and do a segment with just him. Ellen was going to ask him questions about the end of the tour and what he's been doing since then, and when he planned on recording another album, then they'd go to commercial and introduce me. We stood backstage and watched her opening monologue and before I knew it she was calling Justin out to the stage. He gave me a quick kiss and I wished him luck before he opened the curtains and walked out. He was a natural there was no doubt about that and it put a smile on my face to watch him do something that he loves to do. My nerves started rising again when they went to break and Justin came back while they were setting up for the next segment.

"You okay?" he asked wrapping his arms around my neck.

"Yeah, I'm fine. No throwing up I promise."

"Good. You'll do great out there I have no doubt about it. Not to mention you look smokin' hot."

"I look like a beached whale but thanks."

"You're beautiful and I love you. See you out there," he kissed me lightly on the lips and ran back to his seat that was now a couch big enough for the both of us. I shook my arms and closed my eyes saying a silent prayer for this to go smoothly. I placed my hand on my stomach just in time to feel the baby kick. The audience started clapping and I opened my eyes taking one last big breath before walking out.

"We have a very special treat today," Ellen started, and I saw Justin turn his head and wink at me and my nerves went out the window, "Justin isn't one to talk much about his personal life but for this one time only he brought his girlfriend with him for a little Q & A..."

"You're the only person she'd agree to be interviewed by E, if that doesn't boost your ego I don't know what will."

"Well lets bring her out then before she backs out...everyone please give it up for Marissa Mitchell," the curtains opened and a rush of energy came over me as everyone started to applaud. One fear down I thought as I started walking out, at least they weren't booing me. I walked over to Ellen waving to the audience on my way and gave her a hug before sitting down next to Justin. I felt his hand link with mine and he placed a kiss on my cheek. From that point on the audience was invisible to me. I tried my best to focus solely on Ellen and Justin so that my nerves wouldn't act up again.

"Marissa Mitchell, it's so good to see you!"

"It's so good to see you to Ellen...how are you?"

"I'm good, I think the better question is how are you? Look at you all pregnant and beautiful."

"Thank you...I'm about as good as anyone who is 7 months pregnant could be. I may not be able to tie my own shoes anymore, but I'm still able to waddle around from place to place so I'm thankful for that." The audience actually laughed, I guess I could be funny when I needed to be

"Yeah, let's talk about that. One day it comes out that you guys are dating and then it seems like the next day you're having a baby!"

"Well not exactly..." I said looking at Justin not sure how to answer the question.

"We were dating for a few months before people even knew about us. But from the moment we were photographed together the rumors started about Ris being pregnant. We've been dating for about a year and a half now so that's one hell of a big baby if she got pregnant right when we started dating."

"I learned really fast not to believe everything I read," I continued, "So luckily when I saw the big announcement on the front cover of a weekly in the grocery store, I didn't even have to question if there really was a baby growing inside of me that I didn't know about."

"I like this girl," Ellen said laughing, "You've got quite the sense of humor. Which I can only imagine was one of the things that attracted you to her Justin."

"One of many," he said squeezing my hand, "We met in a...let's say different way, but once I started getting to know her everything just fit into place. We clicked immediately and after that things kind of happened really really fast. She's the most amazing person I've ever met in my life, and I can't imagine what my life would be like without her in it."

"I think I might shed a tear," Ellen said wiping away a fake tear, "Tell me how you did it Marissa, how were you able to steal his heart away from the millions of other women it belonged to before you."

"It was no easy feat Ellen I can tell you that much. It was a lot of hard work and dedication, and it took a lot for me to not give up. But I had my goal and I wasn't backing down until I achieved it!" Another big laugh, more weight lifted off my shoulders. "But seriously like Justin said we just kind of clicked. It was as big of a shock to me as it was to the rest of the world, but after a few minutes really he wasn't Justin Timberlake to me anymore he was just Justin and it's been like that ever since. It was a big adjustment for both of us, as you know I'm still in school and had no previous link to "Hollywood," so being hounded every time I stepped outside was hard to handle for a while. And I think for Justin it was an adjustment to date someone that wasn't a celebrity, someone that couldn't just get on a plane at any moment in time and come visit. We have totally opposite lives so learning how to balance that was hard at first."

"But you've managed to do it, and now you're expecting a little Timberlake. Something you managed to hide for quite a while only coming out publicly with it a couple of months ago."

"When you're in a relationship it's something that's so private and intimate and you don't want to share every aspect of it with the whole world," Justin said now really serious. "You want to protect everything about it because it means so much to you and you don't want anything to get in the way of that. Then when you find out your having a baby it's like that same feeling only a million times stronger. The moment I found out she was pregnant it was like I tried to form this bubble that no one could come in or out of around us. It's dangerous for us to walk down the street, and that protector in you comes out even more when there's an innocent life at stake. So we tried to hide it as long as possible even though we were so excited about it, for our safety and for the baby's, but it just wasn't possible to hide anymore a couple of months ago and we weren't about to stop our lives completely because of it. So all we can do is hope and pray that people will respect us enough to not trample us while we walk down the street, which I have to say they have been doing and we're really grateful for that."

"You've always had a rough relationship with the paparazzi..."

"I mean...I don't know if I'd call it rough. Here's the thing Ellen, I get that being photographed walking down the street is part of my job and I signed up for it the moment I signed my first record contract, but there is a point where it crosses a line. If you want to take a picture of me that's fine, but there is no reason for you to have a camera lense in my face or anyone else's face for that matter. If you absolutely NEED to get a picture of me walking my dogs or walking into Whole Foods that's fine, but do it at a distance, don't make it so that I can't walk without stepping on your feet, and once you get the shot leave me alone. Do you really need 500 pictures of me walking on a sidewalk? It's gotten to the point now where I'll make deals with them, and most of them are good to sticking with the deal especially in Boston, but if you break the deal then our relationship becomes rough."

"I think that is totally understandable and the fact that you even give them a shot is really nice of you...now you mentioned Boston, you guys have been living there for a while now. You're from Boston right?" she asked turning her head to look at me.

"Yes...Born and raised. I go to school there, I work there; I've lived there my whole life. No better place to be a sports fan then in Boston." I got a couple of cheers and a few boos which was to be expected since the Celtics had just beat the Lakers in the Finals a month prior.

"What's it like for you Justin, to go from LA to Boston?"

"It was a welcomed change. It's way less intense in Boston, and it's a city that I've always loved. But I don't think I could ever live there permanently it's just not suitable for work. To be a musician you need to live in LA so I'll be back at some point."

"Good, because I've been lonely without you," she said putting her hand on Justin's knee, "We'll be right back with more Justin Timberlake and Marissa Mitchell." The audience started clapping and I leaned back on the couch. This was going a whole lot better then I expected and the questions weren't nearly as bad as I thought they were going to be. One more segment the get through and I'd be done, never having to do another interview again. I was able to ignore all the staring faces of the audience and focus on Justin and Ellen, and hearing the laughter and the cheers made it a little bit easier too, but the lights and the cameras were really intense. I reached over Justin to get a glass of water that was sitting on the table next to him and drank nearly the entire glass.

"You okay? You're doing great babe," he said taking the glass out of my hand and putting it back on the table, "we still have 10 minutes here, I don't want you peeing your pants on national television." I laughed almost spitting my water out not expecting him to say that. Once I was able to swallow I answered him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. This is a little intense but it's fun! And I had to pee before I drank that water but I think I'll be able to hold it, I'm a big girl remember?" Ellen started laughing while she was getting her makeup retouched.

"You two really are perfect for each other. I can't wait for this baby because if it even has half of the smartassness both of you have it's going to be hilarious." Justin and I just looked at each other knowing it was true. Both of us have weird sarcastic attitudes and it can be pretty funny sometimes. I think it's important in life to have humor and be able to take hits and laugh it off, because if you can't, you're going to get beaten down pretty quickly.

"We're back in 5...4...3...2..." the producer pointed to Ellen and the cameras started rolling again.

"We're back with Justin and Marissa. During the break we were talking about my hopes for their baby which will be coming really soon right? When are you due?"

"We have about two months to go, and we're really excited. I'm ready, like right now. Like get this baby out of me right now kind of ready."

"Have you had a tough pregnancy?"

"The beginning was a little rough. I basically had all day sickness for the first trimester, and then once that was over I had a couple months of enjoying being pregnant with no problems but then I started getting back pain and soon the baby decided to be really active all night so I haven't gotten much sleep."

"And I know there's a lot of rumors floating around about trouble in the middle of your pregnancy. A few months ago you were hospitalized for a long period of time and after you were out we noticed a broken leg. There were rumors of abuse, infection due to the pregnancy..." My face froze and I didn't really hear the rest of her question. We went over what we didn't want to talk about and thinking back on it we only said the few months that we were apart. I didn't even think to say anything about being in the hospital or that whole situation, but I certainly didn't want to talk about it. I looked up at Justin and he pretty much had the same look on his face. Soon I heard silence and neither one of us started talking. I squeezed Justin's hand to hopefully prompt him to say something but nothing came out of his mouth. It was up to me to figure out how to sugarcoat that whole experience.

"I umm...I was hospitalized for a while there but...it wasn't abuse or anything like that I..." My eyes were going back and forth from Ellen to Justin to the audience that had gone completely silent and all eyes were on me. "We ahh...we had some complications, and some setbacks but...but everything is okay now and that's all that really matters right?" I finished my sentence and thought about my answer. It was going to spark a million and one more rumors and I probably sounded like a blubbering idiot.

"Right!" Ellen said trying to sound chipper, patting my knee and moving on really quickly, "So do you know what you're having?"

"A baby," Justin said attempting to laugh after. I wanted to get off that stage so badly. I knew Ellen didn't know we didn't want to talk about it, it wasn't her fault and I could tell that she felt really bad, but now I just felt really awkward and I could tell Justin felt the same way. I squeezed his hand in an attempt to lighten the mood. I attempted to forget about my previous answer and looked at him with eyes asking him to do the same. He smiled squeezing my hand back and continued with the interview like nothing went wrong. "We decided to wait to find out what we were having, it's one of the few surprises left in life."

"Do you have names picked out? For a boy of course because obviously if it's a girl you'll be naming her Ellen."

"We wouldn't have it any other way," Justin said.

"We haven't really talked about names," I continued realizing that that topic has yet to come up in one of our many discussions about the baby.

"We haven't have we?" Justin said looking at me realizing the same thing, "We're going to have to do that."

"Yeah we are, that's weird that we haven't even thought about that yet."

"I know...we should talk about that tonight."

"It's a date."

"Alright you two, snap out of this love fest we don't have much longer here," Ellen said jokingly. "I've got one more question for you before we go and it's the most important one yet..."

"Oh God," Justin said squirming around, "let me get comfortable before you hit me with a tough one."

"When's the wedding because I haven't gotten my invitation yet." We both started laughing. This was one topic we've kind of been discussing a lot lately. This was one question I knew the answer for.

"It's funny because everyone keeps asking us that and the answer is as of right now there is no wedding. We're not engaged or anything, and we are proud to be living in sin. Justin was never one to want to get married and I always thought I would. Then we met each other and he wanted to get married and I became too scared that if we got married we'd mess up what we have. So we're kind of in limbo. It might happen, it might not but either way we're happy and as long as we're happy that's all that matters."

"The real reason Ellen...is that Marissa doesn't want to marry me and is just using me to have an epically good looking child."

"He's right Ellen, there is no other reason why I've been with him for so long but to have his love child."

"Well America, you heard it here first. I have something for you guys. The last time Justin was here I gave him something for you, did he give you the gift?"

"How do you think I became pregnant Ellen? Of course he did!"

"Well I'm glad it was put to good use!" she reached behind her chair and pulled out a black onsie that read 'My Daddy is Bringing Sexy back' and then handed it to me, "just so that all the kids know who the coolest kid on the block is. Check out the website for a behind the scenes look at today's show. Thank you to all of our guests, Bruce Willis, Justin Timberlake and Marissa Mitchell, and tune in tomorrow for some blindfolded musical chairs, and to find out who the winner of our $10,000 sweepstakes is. See you then!" The music started and we both stood up to give Ellen a hug. Justin walked out to the audience to sign some autographs and take pictures and I waited for him on stage with Ellen. It was still so cool for me to see people flip out over him and the smile on his face when he's with his fans is priceless. He was out there for about a half an hour before they started clearing people out. We walked back to the green room with Ellen and right when we closed the door she apologized for asking the question about the hospital.

"Don't worry about it," I said, "you asked us before what topics to stay off of and we didn't say that so it's totally not your fault," which was the truth.

"I just felt awful both of your faces dropped when I asked and in my head I was like oh shit did they say not to bring that up?"

"No we didn't, it was our fault," I watched Justin walk to the back of the room and sip on a bottle of water facing the wall. I didn't think he was that upset about it but apparently he was. I turned to Ellen and thanked her for letting us come on her show and tell our story, and told her to give Justin a call so that we could get together for dinner before we went back to Boston. Once I heard the door close behind her I walked over to Justin putting my hand on his back before sliding in between his body and the table with snacks on it. "It's not that big of a deal you know that right?" I asked. He didn't say anything just continued sipping on his Fiji bottle and looked at the wall. "Justin..." I wasn't even sure if he was listening to me. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was off in another world, his mind wondering in seven thousand directions at once.

"I should have listened to him..." I heard him say under his breath, meaning it for no one but himself.

"Should have listened to who?"

"What?" he asked snapping out of his daze.

"You said you should have listened to him...who is him?"

"N...No one..."

"Jus..."

"I said no one okay? It doesn't matter now..."

"What do you mean? Justin what are you talking about?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," he said turning away.

"Well it matters to me," I grabbed his arm pulling him back around to face me.

"Well then get over it."

"We're suppose to tell each other everything Justin...or is that only me? Am I the only one that's suppose to tell you everything?"

"This conversation is over Marissa. You need to go home and get some rest, you've been going all day and the doctor told you to take it easy, and I'm going to the studio."

"You don't get to just end a conversation Justin."

"I just did," and with that he walked out of the room. I thought about running after him but quickly realized it would do no good. 99.9% of the time Justin is the perfect person, and then there's the other 0.01% of the time that he gets into this place where if you fuck with him he'll flip out, and for some reason he was in that place right now. I knew if I continued and pushed the subject it would just lead to a bigger fight. I had to learn to pick and choose my battles and I realized that this wasn't something that was important enough for me to get into a huge blow out argument with him about. However, the comment that he made replayed over and over again in my head, who could he possibly be talking about? Everything about today was going well and then with a snap of a finger, or more like an asking of a question it turned the day around. I was hoping to get back to the green room and talk about the interview and how well I thought it went and how he was right about it not being as bad as I expected it to be, and now I'm sitting here alone questioning what's going on in his head. I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom, and when I came out Eric was sitting there waiting for me.

"You ready kid? I'm gunna take you home."

"Yeah I'm ready," I picked up my purse and the clothes that I came here wearing and walked out of the building where I had my first ever nationally televised interview with my boyfriend's bodyguard walking three steps ahead of me. I plastered a fake smile on my face when we were walking to the car so that people taking pictures of me didn't think that something was wrong, but the minute Eric closed the door to the car, I slouched down in my seat and looked straight ahead the whole way back to Justin's house.

***
After a couple of hours of unsuccessfully taking a nap I convinced Eric to drive me to the studio. At first he put a big fight saying Justin instructed him not to take me there, but after a couple of bribes and good home cooked meal he gave in. I wasn't going to the studio to fight with him, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and see how he was coming along with the song. I've seen him produce a song before for someone else, but I've never actually seen him record a song and it was something that I'd really like to experience. I walked into the building and heard silence. There was a receptionist at the front desk, and everything around her was white. The desk, the walls, the chairs and tables, everything. I thought about how it was the complete contrast of Justin's house where everything was black. I walked up to her and asked her which studio Justin was in and she didn't say a word to me, she just stared at me like I had a spider crawling on my face or something. I looked into the mirror to the left of me and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Justin Timberlake. Do you know what studio he's in?"

"We don't just let fans into the studio sweetheart," she replied with the biggest attitude I've heard in a while.

"Well good thing I'm not a fan then sunshine. I'm his girlfriend," then stepping back said, "and this is his child."

"Do you know how many times people have tried to pull this trick? I'm not stupid."

"You're not stupid? Well you're going to feel awfully stupid in a few minutes," I said turning away and walking back out to the car. I opened the driver side door waking Eric up and attempted to pull him out of the car. After explaining to him what happened, he walked inside with me. We went back up to the desk and that little bitch was staring at her computer not even bothering to look up. I looked at Eric and he let out a big sigh before speaking up.

"Miranda..."

"Oh hey Eric are you here to see Justin?"

"No, his girlfriend is," I stepped out from behind him and put a big fat fake smile on my face.

"Oh hey Miranda...I was wondering if you could tell me what studio Justin was in?" She glared at me and scoffed before looking down at a list on her desk.

"Justin doesn't have anyone listed as visitors, I can't let you in."

"Miranda...stop being a bitch," Eric said.

"I'm not being a bitch ERIC, I'm just doing my job."

"You were just going to let me in, so now let her in."

"Now Eric you know I can't do that..."

"Fine then I'll just call Justin to come get her, I'm sure he'll be really pleased that we're interrupting his session."

"NO NO! No need to call Mr. Timberlake. He's in studio 5."

"Thank you Miranda," I said with a smug smile, "and thanks for your help Eric. I'll call you if I need you to wait for me okay?"

"Okay, I'll be in the car. You kids have fun." He started walking back towards the door and I walked in the direction of the studio, but before I got completely past the desk I turned around getting one last jab in.

"Thanks for all your help Miranda, even though you really are kind of stupid," and with that I walked to the studio without turning back. I got to the door of the studio and opened it slowly careful not to make any noise. Music started to spill out, a song that I was very familiar with being sung by a voice that I was also very familiar with, however, it was not my boyfriend. I saw him sitting at the soundboard, hunched over pushing buttons, his foot tapping with the slow beat of the song. I was pissed at him, he went behind my back and did something I specifically said not to, but at the same time I kind of wanted to thank him. Hearing the song even though it wasn't completely put together, it was like a whole other therapy for me. I sat down on the couch behind Justin not making a sound so that he wouldn't know I was there and took all of it in. My words, and feelings from years ago all coming out again but in a way kind of being released out of my body. My emotions got the best of me yet again and I began to cry. This song was me, and to hear Christina Aguilera singing it...it was indescribable.

"Take it back to the chorus one more time and I think we've got it," Justin said into a thin microphone.

"With or without the key change?"

"With the key change..." The music filled the room again and I closed my eyes. It was taking me somewhere else, the song was putting me in my happy place, how could this be possible? How could my song possibly be good enough to put me in my happy place? She sang the chorus and stepped out of the booth. I put myself in the corner of the couch hoping that she wouldn't see me, and when she walked straight over to Justin not even looking in my direction I let out the breath I didn't even realize I was holding in. Once she sat down in the chair next to him, I saw her reach over and push the play button. A soft violin filled the room before her voice took over.

Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to
yesterday
And I'm OK

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday

It's not so easy to forget
All the lines you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And every day I'm afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see there

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to
yesterday
And I'm OK
I'm OK

The violin's came back on and after a few seconds the room went silent. Tears were now pouring down my face remembering the place I was in when I actually wrote the song and where I am today. I came out stronger and wiser and overcame something that no child or adult should ever face. Through watery eyes I looked over at Justin and Christina putting some final touches on the end of the song.

"I don't know about you J but I love it. Do you think you'll be able to get the songwriter to let me buy it?"

"I'm pretty sure once she hears you singing it, it won't be a problem...but no guarantees."

I didn't want them to know I was there so I stood up as quietly as possible and started walking towards the door. Just as I reached for the handle my cell phone starting ringing...there was no escaping now. I should have listened to Justin and changed it a long time ago. I turned my head hoping and praying that somehow they didn't hear it, but I was met with Justin's shocked face looking at mine. I slowly took my hand off the doorknob and turned around ignoring the phone that was still ringing in my bag.

"Hi," I whispered hoping my face wasn't too tear stained and my voice wasn't that shaky, "I...I was just leaving," my hand grasped the handle again and this time I opened the door and began walking out. Seconds later I felt his hand on my wrist pulling me back inside the studio and into his arms, "You're in so much trouble."

"I knew you'd be upset babe but I didn't think you'd be so mad you'd cry."

"I'm not crying because I'm upset...that was pretty incredible."

"You liked it?" he asked pulling me back and looking at me with hopeful eyes.

"I more then liked it. You were right, to hear it put together it's a totally different feeling."

"I'm so happy you feel that way...I knew you would."

"You were right, you always are. But I'm still mad at you for going behind my back Justin."

"I know and I'm sorry, but I had to prove it to you somehow. I'll make it up to you I promise."

"I understand..."

"Want to meet Christina?" I nodded my head and wiped under my eyes with my two thumbs. He kissed my forehead and took my hand and we walked over to the soundboard. "Chris this is my girlfriend Marissa, Maris this is Christina."

"It's so nice to finally meet you," she said standing up and giving me a hug, "Congratulations on the baby!"

"Thank you. That song...you sound incredible on it. It's amazing."

"Thank you. It's a great song, one that I can really connect with. Justin's going to work on getting the songwriter to sell it to me for my next album."

"He is huh? You think it's good enough for your album?"

"God yes. I mean I don't think I could have written a better, more heartfelt song myself. I mean the feelings and emotions in this song...I couldn't bring myself to spill them all out like that I don't think."

"Do you think the songwriter will sell the song once she hears Christina sing it babe?"

"I think that...she'd seriously consider it."

"Really? Do you know her too?" Christina asked.

"I do know her actually...and you know what, I think she'd be honored to sell that song to you."

"REALLY?" They both said at once.

Justin grabbed my arms and turned me around, "Is that a yes? For real it's a yes?"

"It's a yes," I said kissing him softly on the lips.

"Well, you've got yourself a song for your next record then Chris."

"How do you know? You didn't even ask the songwriter yet..."

"But I did, Marissa is the songwriter."

"I lifted up my right hand, "Guilty as charged."

"JUSTIN! You didn't tell me you were dating a songwriter."

"I didn't know I was until a few days ago. This will be her first song that she's sold. Chris she literally has hundreds of songs, songs that I didn't even know about until like two weeks ago. Notebook after notebook of songs that are incredible that she wanted no part in anyone seeing, recording or buying."

"Girl you better give me those notebooks," she said with a laugh.

"I'll think about it," I said.

"You have a talent millions of people wish they had...use it girl, you could change the world."

"Danielle?"

"My best friend in Kindergarten's name was Danielle."

"Lorraine?"

"My cousins name is Lorraine. What about Morgan?"

"I dated a Morgan once. Bad experience."

"Sienna..."

"I would name my dog Sienna."

"Okay...oh I know, Kylie."

"I guess that could work."

"That sounds really reassuring."

"Gretchen!"

"That's a joke right?"

"No...what's wrong with Gretchen?"

"It's not 1940. This kid is going to have to live with this name forever...I have to pee."

"Again? Marissa we stopped less then an hour ago..."

"That means nothing to me Justin. I'm 8 and a half months pregnant, you're lucky I'm not asking to pee every 15 minutes."

"We're never going to make it to Tennessee tonight if we keep stopping."

"Fine...do you have a cup then? That way we don't have to stop."

"You wouldn't."

"I totally would, but I might spill some pee in your precious Audi so you might want to pull over at a gas station or something so that I can pee."

"You're lucky I love you."

"You're lucky I love you...we've been driving for close to 10 hours, I'm shocked I haven't attempted murder at least once."

"It's not my fault we had to drive..."

"Oh well excuse me for being pregnant and not allowed to fly. You did this to me, so don't blame it all on me. Your parents could have come to our place but you just had to go back home..."

"I promised I'd go home for Christmas. My family wants to meet you, and you know my Granny can't fly."

"And that's fine. I agreed to drive, but you can't complain every time I have to pee."

I pulled off the highway and stopped at the first fast food place I could find. Putting the car in park I watched her hobble as fast as she could into the building to go to the bathroom for what seemed like the millionth time since we left the house. I had a funny feeling the doctor wasn't going to let her fly so close to her due date, but I did promise I'd go home for the holidays this year and I wasn't about to back out of it. I wanted my family to meet Marissa, and I wanted Marissa to meet them too. I especially wanted her to meet Katie and just see where I grew up and how different it was from her childhood. I knew she didn't really want to sit in a car for so long, but she knew how much it meant to me and agreed to it anyway. She's been beyond uncomfortable lately which in turn has made her be unbearably cranky and bitchy but I would never say that to her face. I tried to keep her occupied by discussing baby names, which has been a total failure. We can't agree on anything, boy or girl, one of us has a problem with each name the other throws on the table. Our baby is going to be baby A if we don't decided soon though. Everything else was done though, the baby's room in both Boston, and our new house in LA that we bought a few weeks ago. We went to classes to prepare for childbirth, something that I'm really excited about and Marissa has asked to be tranquilized during it more then once, and all the baby books have been read. We're as ready as can be but I'm sure once the baby is born all of the stuff we learned will go out the window and we'll be working on a whim.

She threw herself back in the car and closed the door, taking a minute to catch her breath. Walking has become a major feat to take on lately. She was so ready to have this baby and I felt awful that I couldn't do anything to help her finish out the pregnancy, I did however hand out daily foot and back rubs and wait on her hand and foot even when she'd request something so disgusting it would make me want to hurl. The other day she asked for pickles dipped in caramel sauce, and I had to hold my nose and look away as I walked it over to her. People keep saying I'm lucky though because she has yet to send me out on a run for something ridiculous at 3am.

"Ready?"

"As ready as I'm going to be. I'll try and hold my pee longer next time."

"It's okay I don't want you peeing your pants."

"Are we almost there?"

"Why don't you try and take a nap?"

"So that would be a no...how much further?"

"Ris we're just about half way there."

"UGH! What happens if I go into labor on the way?"

"You're not going to go into labor, the doctor said you have at least another 2-3 weeks. Push your seat back and close your eyes, if you fall asleep the time will go by a whole lot faster."

11 hours, 15 bathroom breaks, and a million and one names later we finally pulled up to my parent's house. The dogs were sleeping in the backseat just like they were for most of the trip, and Marissa was sleeping next to me. She had just fallen asleep about 15 minutes earlier and it was going to kill me to wake her up, but she should be sleeping in a bed not in the seat of a car. I let the dogs out of the car and they ran to the backyard while I took our luggage inside. Once everything was settled in there and I let my parents know that we were here so that when they woke up they weren't shocked to see two extra people I went back out to get her.

"Ris..." I whispered while unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Hmm..."

"We're here. Come on lets get you to bed." I threw her arm around my neck and scooped her up. It was getting harder and harder to carry her, but I was happy that I still could even if I was walking 10 times slower. Her head fell onto my shoulder and she wrapped her other arm around my neck. I kicked the door of my childhood bedroom open and put her down on the bed, physically unwrapping her arms from around my neck. After pulling her shoes off and putting a blanket over her, I kissed her forehead and walked downstairs and outside leashing up the dogs and walking to the lake. It was 2:00 in the morning and the dogs were a ball of energy from sleeping practically the whole way here. I unleashed them and they ran into the water while I laid back on a rock. It was cold, but not nearly as cold as it normally is around Christmas time.

"Do you normally let your dogs run wild at 2 in the morning?" I opened my eyes when I heard Katie's voice.

"When they're in the car for close to 24 hours I do." I said standing up and giving her a hug, "What are you doing up?"

"I heard you pull in the driveway...well more like I heard the dogs haul ass into the backyard. Did you bring her this time?" I nodded my head sitting back down. "So you worked everything out I'm assuming?"

"You assume correctly."

"Have a kid yet?"

"In a couple of weeks. This will be the last time I'm here without a kid of my own, kind of weird."

"You scared?"

"I am now. Before I was just really excited, but now I'm kind of nervous. I was fine until we read all the books and went to all the classes, but now it's like...I don't know, it's real."

"You'll do fine I'm sure. Once the baby is here, you'll probably forget what it was like before it was."

"That's just it though Kate...everything's changing, and I'm not sure if I want it to."

"That's life J. Think back to 5 years ago, is there anything that's the same?"

"No, which is part of the problem. 5 years from now, I want things to be the same. I don't know if I'm capable of being the person I need to be after this baby is born. Lets face it, I'm a pretty selfish person so now not only do I have to focus on keeping my relationship running smoothly, but I'm also going to have to focus on keeping my kid alive. The record company is going to be pounding me to put out another record, and I'm going to have to split my time between all of this. I don't know if it's actually possible."

"You know that it's possible, it's just a matter of if you can give up your Justin time and be an active member of your family."

"When you put it that way I sound like an asshole."

"Well you can be an asshole sometimes. Have you talked to your girlfriend about this?"

"Hell no," I said with a laugh, "I told her everything was going to be perfect and not to worry. She's nervous and scared enough as it is, if I told her I was too she might jump off a bridge. Not to mention she's kind of on a high right now, she just graduated with honors, and she sold a song to Christina that's going to be on her next album, and she's finally getting excited about the baby and I don't want to bring her down."

"Look J, you know what the problem is and it's really not a hard one to solve. For once in your life you're going to have to think about someone else but yourself. I have faith that you can do this, and I'd almost bet my life that in five years you'll still be with Marissa, and your kid is going to be the coolest kid around. Your music and your career has to come second now, and once that baby is born you'll realize that."

"You're talkin' like this has all happened to you before."

"No...but..."

"But what?" I asked taking my eyes off the dogs and looking at her."

"We've...we've been trying. Some people would kill to be in your position Justin."

"You and Dave..."

"Yeah," she said looking down at her wedding band, "but you know how it goes sometimes. We've had a few miscarriages."

"Kate I'm so sorry I didn't know."

"No worries. I'm just saying, think about how lucky you are and how becoming unselfish probably wouldn't be such a bad thing."

"I didn't know you guys were trying. Why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't really around, and after the first miscarriage we didn't really tell anyone."

"You could have called me Kate..."

"I did, but you were on tour and you couldn't really talk so I didn't have a chance to."

"Katie..."

"It's fine J...it's not a big deal," she interrupted.

"It is a big deal, and I should have been there for you it was really selfish of me."

"You were there when I needed you when my parents...well you know. You were working, I understand don't make it into something that it's not. I'm just trying to get you to see that what you have going on is pretty amazing, and to give up a little piece of yourself for something so great shouldn't be that hard to do."

"Kate after your parents died I told you I'd be there for you anytime no matter what and I wasn't so it is a big deal."

"Fine, I accept your apology now lets move on. Things are going to change after that baby is born, and it's going to take a lot of work to make everything run smoothly. But you love Marissa and she loves you, and you both love that baby and that's all that matters. As long as there's love you can get through anything."

"You're an awesome friend Katers. I don't know how I got so lucky," I said putting her hand in mine, "and one day you're going to have a baby and you'll be the best Mom around."

"We'll see about that, but until then lets focus on you being the best Dad around."

"Will you come visit when the baby is born?"

"Of course...I wouldn't miss seeing your spawn for the world."

I whistled for the dogs and they came running, shaking water off of them before walking up to Katie, "Let's get you to bed, you're going to need your rest if you're going to meet Marissa tomorrow. She's in rare form lately." I wrapped my arm around her neck and we walked back to her house. She had grown up in that house and when she got married I think it was harder for her to actually leave the house then it was to start a life with her new husband. There were so many memories she was leaving behind. Half of my childhood memories took place in this house so I can only imagine how many of hers did. Then her parents were killed in a car accident two years ago and they left the house to her. As much as she wanted to sell it because the memories were now too painful to remember, she just couldn't do it so she and her husband moved in. "What's it like living here now?" I asked just as we got to the doorstep.

"Depends on the day. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all, especially when I'm busy or preoccupied with something, but other days it's harder then I ever imagined it would be. Little things spark memories, like the other day I tripped on that little ledge going from the dining room to the hallway and I remembered when we were kids and you broke your arm doing the same thing and my Mom wrapped it up sitting on the hallway floor before we took you to the ER. I think I sat on that floor and cried for a good two hours before I could compose myself."

"Do you think you'll ever move?"

"I honestly don't think I could sell this house. It's the only thing I have left of my parents."

"I love you Katers...and I mean it this time, whenever you need me I'm here. Just make sure you bitch me out if I'm being an asshole okay?"

"Deal," she said pulling me into a hug, "I'm going back to bed, thanks for waking me up."

"Always a pleasure." I watched her walk into the house and turn the porch light off, before I walked the 100 feet to the house next door. I wondered if my kid would grow up with a friend like Katie, or even be able to live a normal life. If I could hope for one thing for my child it would be that it's able to do the things I use to do as a kid without being hounded, like sit at the lake and ride it's bike to the general store. Things have changed since then, and things will change even more by the time my kid gets to be old enough to actually do those things, but the one thing that will never change is the love that I have for my girlfriend and child. A love that I learned how to do growing up in Tennessee. I kissed her forehead before curling up behind her placing my hand on her round stomach. We're a family that loves each other, and that's all that matters.

***

"...and Trace's house was down that street. Mama use to flip out because I'd have to cross a main road to get to his house, even though there were never more then 5 cars on the road at a time. But Mrs. Ayala she was even worse because she wouldn't let Trace cross the street alone, she probably thought people driving wouldn't be able to see the little gnome and hit him so I always had to go to his house first and then we'd walk to the lake."

"I always said I'd never be able to live in the country, but now that I'm here and get to see how you grew up...I kind of wish I did."

"And now that I live in the city I have no idea how I lasted here for so long."

"Do you ever think you'd want to move back?"

"I don't know," I said stepping down off a rock and holding my hand out to help her off, "when I come and sit at this lake I always say that I will, but then when I realize it's a ghost town I take it back." I watched her sit in front of the rock that I always leaned against and fold her hands over her stomach.

"It's so peaceful..."

"After a while it kind of makes you crazy though...can I tell you something without you flipping out?"

"I don't even know if it's possible for me to freak out here. If you told me you murdered someone I probably wouldn't even care."

"Good..." I sat down next to her and she put her head on my shoulder. "I'm kind of scared about the baby...and the future," I said holding my breath and looking out to the water.

"Did you think I didn't know that?" I turned my head to look at her with questioning eyes. "Come on babe, I know you, you've been closed off and distant the past few weeks and any mention of the baby you clam up. You've turned into me! And to be honest I think I'd be more nervous if you weren't scared. A lot is going to change and it's going to be a big adjustment, but I think we'll figure it out."

"Why didn't you say anything if you knew how I felt?" I asked still shocked that she could read me so well.

"Because I knew you'd tell me eventually...can I give you your Christmas present now?" she asked changing the subject.

"Christmas isn't until tomorrow baby..."

"I know," she said attempting to stand up. I pushed myself off the ground and helped her pulling her as close to me as her belly would allow, "but I want to give you your stuff without other people around."

"Okay then lets go back to the house," I said closing my eyes and placing my lips on hers. I still to this day get butterflies when our lips touch. The whole way back we talked about our fears and what we hoped for in the future. I can't say that after our talk I wasn't scared anymore, because I was, but knowing that she was okay with me being scared made some of my fears subside.

***

"Okay now there are three parts to your gift, open this one first," she said with a huge smile handing me a large box. I'm not going to lie, I'm still a 5 year old when it comes to presents, I get giddy and excited and then I'm usually let down because it's really hard to buy for someone like me. I ripped the paper off as fast as I could and took the lid off the box holding up a 20x24 frame with a picture I hadn't seen in probably 20 years. I was no more then six years old at the lake with Trace and Katie skipping rocks. Katie was on my back and Trace was standing on top of a rock. You couldn't see our faces so to anyone else this picture would probably mean nothing but to me it meant everything. This picture was my childhood, I use to have it hanging in my room, and one day I realized that it was gone. I searched and searched my entire room but it was nowhere to be found. "I remember you telling me about this picture a while ago, and the other day when you went fishing with your Dad I asked your Mom if we could look for it. We spent hours trying to find it but we came up empty handed. That same day Katie invited me over for lunch and when she was showing me around I saw it in a frame on her mantle. I guess she stole it from you when you were like 10 and you never noticed. So I blew it up for you, which was hard to do because you never leave me alone!" she laughed.

"Marissa, I can't thank you enough. This picture means so much to me...thank you, thank you, thank you," I reached across and kissed her. After a few minutes she put her hand on my chest and pushed me away.

"Calm down killa, there's more," she said handing me another box wrapped up. I opened it to find a notebook labeled June 15, 2004 - May 1, 2008 just like all the rest of her notebooks with her songs were labeled. I opened it up and flipped through the pages quickly looking up at her confused. "I told you that I gave you all my notebooks to look at, but I lied. I stopped writing after the whole Brandon Victor thing. I wrote maybe three or four songs between the time it happened and the time I met you. When you asked to see my notebooks I took that one out for two reasons. The first reason was because I wasn't sure I wanted to relive how I was feeling again, and the second reason was because after I met you I started writing again and all of those songs are in that notebook. I always tell you that I can't find the words to say how I feel...well they're all in there. At the time we were just getting back to normal and I didn't want to scare you away so I kept if from you, but I think that now not only do you deserve to know exactly how I feel, but I want you to realize how much you've changed my life Justin. Those first few songs...it was the lowest point in my life, and every song after that was from the highest point in my life. You did that."

"I think you might possibly be the best gift giver alive. I also think you're trying to make me cry, and it's working. It's taking a lot to hold these suckers in. And I give you my word that I won't try and shop these songs around."

"The songs are yours now J. If you want to shop them around you can. I'm in a really great place in my life right now and I can handle all the emotions that come along with those songs, and I know how excited you get when you hear one of my songs recorded so they're yours to do what you wish with...and one last thing." I looked at her waiting for her to pull something out from behind her back or something but she was just sitting there smiling.

"I'm officially confused," I said after a few minutes. She got up off the bed and sat on the floor next to me putting her hands in mine. In a way I was kind of nervous and didn't know what to expect.

"The day I met you was like an emotional rollercoaster. I was happy, I was sad, I was scared, and I was excited, I was every single emotion there is. I sat and talked to you for hours and whether I knew it then or not, that was the day I fell in love with you.  I remember you practically begging me to give you a chance, and in my head I was thinking that you were a psychopath. I remember that day like it was yesterday, and it's really hard for me to believe that it's been a year and a half since then and we're about to have a baby and be a family. I was yelling at you because I thought you were trying to play me and you were yelling at me to let you prove me wrong, and I was crying as usual, and you said to me that you just wanted me to be happy. I remember thinking to my self moments before you said that how confused and unhappy I was, but I tried to make you believe that I already was happy. J I can still feel you putting your hands on my face and wiping away my tears and telling me that they told you that I wasn't happy. I can still feel the chill that went down my spine the moment I felt your touch, and it was at that moment that I threw every reservation I had about you, and about us out the window. Anyway the point is that this smile," she stopped talking and struck a pose causing both of us to laugh, "this smile is your Christmas present. No more tears, no more sadness, it's all out the window. I'm happy Justin, truly happy thanks to you. So yeah...Merry Christmas," she said blinking back tears knowing that she was totally contradicting herself.

"I thought you said no more tears," I said wiping them off of her cheeks.

"These...are happy tears, so they don't count!"

"I love you Marissa, and that smile is the best Christmas present I've ever received in my entire life. Thank you."

"Your welcome. I know it's really nothing big or anything but I didn't know what to get you because you have everything any normal person could ever want."

"They're perfect. You are perfect."

"I love you...but can we go eat because if I sit here any longer I'm just going to keep crying and the baby is really really really hungry."

"Of course, the food does smell pretty delicious." We walked into the dining room to see our entire family sitting at the table along with Trace, Amy, Katie and Dave. We took our respective seats just as my mother put the last of the dishes filled with food on the table. In typical family dinner fashion we all went around the table saying what we were thankful for. We made our way around the table and when it got to Marissa she went silent for a moment before she started.

"There is so much for me to be thankful for tonight. I'm thankful to be alive and to have graduated college. I'm thankful that I'll be living out my dreams in California in a few short months, and I'm thankful to be here with all of you...my family. I've dreamed of this since I was a little girl, to be sitting at a dining room table surrounded by people that I love and that love me back. You guys are my family and I'm so thankful to all of you for accepting me into it. Last but not least I'm thankful for Justin," she squeezed my hand and looked up at me while continuing, "you saved my life, and somehow managed to get me to where I am today. I don't know where I'd be right now if you weren't stupid enough to pull some random girl in the audience at one of your shows backstage. You've showed me how to love, and what true happiness really is, and you've given me the greatest gift anyone could ever ask for...this baby." I couldn't help but lean down and kiss her before I started.

"I'd be sitting here all day if I listed out everything I was thankful for, and I know we're all hungry so I'm not going to do that. So just know that I'm thankful for every person sitting at this table. For everything that you have ever done to get me to where I am today. For the first time in a long time I feel content with my life and feel like this is where I belong. So thank you to my family that has supported me since I was born, to the two best friends that anyone could ever ask for, and to the love of my life that has taught me so much in such a short period of time. I cannot wait to start a new chapter of my life with my child and with all of you." With that we said grace and ate, and ate, and ate until we were about to explode.

Christmas came and went in the blink of an eye. I don't think I've had that much fun at a family gathering in my life. We took out old pictures and laughed for hours about them, and everyone decided to chime in on how they thought I'd react to the baby. Most of the gifts Ris and I received were for the baby, which was great because we had furnished the baby's rooms but hadn't even gone out, and purchased any clothes or anything. We talked a lot about baby names, and have still yet to agree on any, and Marissa talked to my mother in too much detail for my liking about childbirth. She managed to meet my entire family including my father, stepmother and brothers and fit in with everyone. After a few days it was like she'd been a member of our family forever. Most importantly though, this trip really gave us time to just be together without the paparazzi or anyone else around us. We'd sit up at night and talk for hours, and just be together. It was almost like the last hurrah before everything went out of control again.

We were packing up to leave after our two-week trip, and Marissa had just taken the dogs out for a walk when my mother came into my room and sat down on my bed as I was putting clothes into my suite case. She didn't say anything at first just started helping me pack up and then almost out of nowhere she pulled a baby blanket from behind her back and just started crying. I sat down next to her and put my head on her shoulder just like I use to do when I was a kid and I knew she was upset.

"I took you home from the hospital in this blanket 27 years ago...and now my baby is having a baby..."

"Mama don't cry, I'll always be your baby. I still act like it half the time."

"I know Justin, I know. I'm just...I'm very proud of you. It took you a while but you've finally found the right girl for you and you never settled and now something so amazing is going to happen to you. I've always been proud of you, you know that but this is different. This is so much more then your first record deal and even your first Grammy. This is life changing, this is a time in your life that your whole world is going to change for the better. You don't understand that yet, and you won't until that baby is born but I'm just so happy that you get to experience the joy that I experienced when I had you. You've managed to give me the daughter I never had and a grandchild that I've always wanted, and I love you so much."

"I love you too Mama. You taught be everything I know and I'm so blessed to have had you raise me. I know that I'm going to be a good father and that's all thanks to you."

"I want you to take this," she said sniffling and putting the blanket in my hand, "I want you to bring your baby home in this." I didn't say anything, just threw my arms around her neck and sat there for a few minutes. "Call me the minute she goes into labor okay? We'll get on a plane as fast as we can."

"I don't know why you won't just come and stay with us until she has the baby."

"I already told you Justin. It's important that you guys get to have these last few days as a couple without any interruptions. We'll make it before the baby is born I promise." Just then the dogs came barging in the room and I looked up to see Marissa wobbling in behind them. She sat down next to me taking a deep breath before looking at us. The minute she saw my mothers tear stained cheeks she stood up.

"Oh God I'm sorry did I interrupt?"

"No, not at all sweetie. You two better get on the road before the snow starts. I don't want you driving in a blizzard." We gathered our things and headed out to the car. My mother wrapped Marissa up in a hug for the millionth time before coming over to me and kissing me a thousand times. "Don't forget to call the minute she goes into labor."

"I won't Mama, I promise." I gave her one last kiss and turned to walk into the car, "and Justin."

"MmmmmHmmmm," I said now beginning to get annoyed.

"I want you to marry that girl." I was caught off guard a little bit and my eyes popped out of my head. Those words have never come out of my mother's mouth, and said like an order rather then a statement.

"Don't you worry about that, I'm sure at some point I will."

It was past my due date. Way past my due date. I decided it was karma because I'd been sitting there saying I was going to go early from the minute I started showing. The doctors told me before I went to Tennessee that I had two or three weeks left, which was two weeks before I was due, but they lied. My due date was January 19th, and today marked the last day of January, which put me at 12 days overdue and miserable with a birthday boy that I had to entertain. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock, 7:15. Turning my head to look over my shoulder I saw Justin, mouth open, one hand over his head, the other over his stomach, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers with the sheets thrown down to the end of the bed and his legs crossed at his ankles, shivering. I've been putting him through hell and back because I have been the biggest bitch I've ever come across in my entire life lately, but I can't help it. I'm hot, then I'm freezing, and then I'm sweating. I'm sure it was me that kicked the covers off and like the perfect boyfriend that he is, he just let me do it and dealt with it, shivering just to make me feel comfortable. The heat hasn't been on over 60 the last three months because if it is I'll sweat my ass off, and I've been walking around in a tank top and shorts while Justin sits and watches Sports Center in a winter coat. I got out of bed knowing that there was no way I'd be falling back to sleep and pulled the sheets back over Justin's body. Then I went to the linen closet and threw two blankets over him as well.

I went downstairs to cook him breakfast, something that I use to do everyday but gave up on once I past a certain point in my pregnancy. We went out last night for birthday dinner and I gave him his gift. He's been talking about getting his car detailed everyday for the past six months, and I managed to somehow get Trace to figure out a way to "borrow" it so that I could get it done. But out of dinner, the car detailing, and breakfast I'm going to go with breakfast being the best part of his present. He's a food guy, breakfast food guy to be exact and he's dropped more then one hint about how I've stopped cooking for him. I was standing over the stove humming to a song in my head when I felt my phone vibrate in my robe, well, at this point I was wearing Justin's robe but we won't get into that because it's depressing.

"Hey Chicky what's up?"

"Are you still pregnant?"

"UGH YES! Can you believe this shit? I'm starting to thing this baby is never going to come."

"Oh it'll come believe me, and when it does you'll be wishing it stayed in."

"Thanks, really looking forward to that."

"You know I'm just kidding, but listen, I'm calling for two reasons, one to see if you're still pregnant which you are, and number two to let you know that I'm faxing over a contract."

"A contract for what? For Justin?"

"No for you. Justin sent me some songs, and I want them all. Honestly if you keep sending me these notebooks I'm going to have 5 albums out in two years."
"Wait...you want another song?"

"Not just another, I want three others. Girl I hope you've finally realized that this is what you should be doing with your life. I've recorded a couple and people are dying over them."

"We'll see about that," I said pulling out a plate from the cabinet and scooping eggs into it.

"Well once you sign the contract we'll send the check."

"Yes! Another check, will it have three zero's at the end by chance? Because the doctor hasn't let me work in three months and I'm dying here."

"Three? Are you crazy? It will have at least five, if not six."

"WHAT? This is a joke right?"

"No it's not a joke Marissa. This is the music industry, they pay for good stuff and your stuff is great. Welcome to the wonderful world of songwriting."

"Holy shit, I don't know if I've ever cashed a check for that much money."

"Sometimes I wonder if you know who you're dating..."

"That's his money Chris...Hell I can't even bring it upon myself to combine our money in one checking account, I hate spending his money on something for me. I didn't even want to buy the house because I could barely contribute. I've lived my life supporting myself and I don't want to stop doing that now just because of who I'm dating."

"Well if you realize the talent you have and start selling your stuff to someone besides me, you'll have no problem combining bank accounts...how is the birthday boy anyway?"

"Sleeping, which is something he hasn't been doing lately because I've been keeping him up because I'm a total bitch. I'm cooking him breakfast though, which will hopefully make him hate me less."

"Yeah because he hates you so much," she said sarcastically, "tell him I said happy birthday when he wakes up. He's getting fucking old; make sure you say that too. I have to go though my kid is screaming, something else you have to look forward to."

"Full of positivity today, thank you."

"I do what I can, talk to you later...and sign that contract!" I chuckled hitting the end button and placing toast on the plate. Between the greasy bacon, the cheese dripping off the eggs, and the pound of butter I put on his toast, he should be happy for at least a half hour. I took a tray out from underneath the sink and walked back upstairs to see him in the same position I left him in only this time he wasn't shivering.

I set the tray down on the floor and sat down next to him on the bed running my hand through his curls. It was times like this when I was able to take a minute and just look at him that I wondered how I got so lucky. How my life went from one extreme to the other so fast, and why I deserved everything that I now have. Some days I'll think about everything that I don't have that I wish that I did. Like a happy childhood with parents that actually gave a shit, or a normal life where I could walk around and not be hounded or worry about putting my kid in danger, and sometimes I still go back to that day and wish I did something more to stop it, but seeing Justin laying there so peaceful and being reminded how much I love him; I wouldn't trade this for any of that. Because of every bad thing that's happened to me before, it lead me to him and my life now. And even though sometimes I wish he was just a regular old Joe Shmo and I didn't have to double check how I looked before I walked outside, he wouldn't be who he was if he wasn't Justin Timberlake the megastar. I ran my hand down his cheek and smiled thanking God for putting him in my life.

"Justin," I finally whispered knowing that if I didn't wake him up now his breakfast would get cold. He didn't answer, just rolled over pulling the blankets up to his neck and curling up into a ball. "Wake up birthday boy," I said a little louder. I heard him moan that meant that he was half awake and half sleeping. "Justin!" I said again this time brushing his cheek as I said it.

"Huh? What? Hospital? Huh?" He jumped up, throwing the sheets off of him his eyes darting back and forth trying to adjust to the light. He rubbed his hand over his face and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. He finally settled his eyes on me laughing at him, "What? Are you okay, is it time? What's so funny?"

"I'm fine Justin calm down...I made you breakfast birthday boy."

"What? Are you in labor?"

"Justin...calm down," I said putting my hands on his shoulders, "I'm fine, I'm not in labor, there's no baby yet. I just made you breakfast that's all."

"Jesus," he said putting his head back against the headboard, "I thought your water broke or something."

"You are totally strung out...here," I said picking up the tray and placing it on his lap, "eat something."

"Sorry, I must have been in a deep sleep or dreaming or something, that totally scared the shit out of me...did you make this?" he asked shoving a piece of bacon in his mouth."

"I did, just for you."

"You act like it's my birthday or something," he winked trying to get a string of cheese in his mouth.

"Oh is it?" I asked with a puzzled look on my face, "I hadn't even realized. How old are you now? 52?"

"Oh real nice, pick on the guy that's having a mid life crisis."

"Your three years past the quarter life crisis J...I think you have a few more years before you go out and buy a Corvette to drive around in after you dye your hair black."

"I feel old," he said pouting.

"Well rest assured you still act like you're five."

"Thank God for that. The minute I start acting like an adult please call a nursing home, or better yet a psyc ward."

"Don't you worry, I won't hesitate," I said kissing his cheek before standing up to go get dressed and let him enjoy his birthday breakfast, "happy birthday baby."

"Taks," was the response from a mouth full of food.

"Really? What would your mother say?"

"She'd slap me."

"Well good thing I'm not your mother then."

***

I told Justin that we could do anything he wanted today, it was his choice. If he wanted to go out with his friends then go for it. If he wanted to have his friends over, I'd be the perfect hostess. His choice for his birthday celebration though was to lie in bed and watch movies all day, which was something I wasn't going to complain about. So after we went over the contract that was faxed over, he sent it over to his lawyers to look over and we went back into our big comfy bed and started our movie marathon. As much as I loved being lazy with Justin, I was just really uncomfortable, and it didn't help that every time I moved Justin would question if I was okay. The truth was that I wasn't okay, I wanted to jump off a bridge because no matter what position I was in something either hurt or felt weird, but I wanted to make today about him so I just smiled and nodded while continuing to watch movies that I would never ever willingly watch on any other day besides his birthday. It seemed like every five minutes we were interrupted by the phone ringing to either wish him a happy birthday or to see if I'd gone into labor yet. Around 5:00 I decided that I couldn't lie there anymore and got up to go make dinner. When I stood up I felt a huge cramp but it went away faster then it came so I just continued on with my day. Once we were sitting down for dinner and the cramps became more frequent and started lasting a little bit longer I knew that I was in labor. The pain wasn't too bad so I didn't say anything and tried to let Justin enjoy his last birthday dinner before his life was turned upside down, but the minute I put dessert on the table (peach cobbler, his grandmother's recipe but I'm sure not made to her standards) and he put the first piece in his mouth I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I sat down with what I'm sure was a look of extreme pain on my face and let out a gasp followed by a small yelp, and Justin was on his feet before I even finished my yelp.

"I'm calling my mother..."

"No, no I'm fine. Sit down finish eating."

"Oh okay, hold on one second, your two weeks past your due date and you just keeled over in pain. Let me just finish my pie and then maybe take a long shower before I react to the fact that you're in fucking labor," he said practically running over to the phone before grabbing my bag that has been packed and by the back door for almost a month now. He came back over to me throwing my bag over one shoulder and leaning the phone on the other while holding out his hands for me to take. Reluctantly I took them and he pulled me up and continued to hold my hand as I started walking. I stopped abruptly when I realized he was apparently going to hold my hand while I walked to the bathroom and to the bedroom to get my coat like he would a two year old.

"Justin I'm in labor, I'm not immobile I think I can walk to the bathroom on my own."

"I'm just trying to...Mama...Thank you but...Yes...No...Mama...MAMA! Stop talking and listen to me for two seconds, she's in labor," he let go of my hand and sent me on my way and I could hear him basically panicking on the phone with his mother. Somehow I was still calm. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I imagined myself going into a frantic state when I was in labor but right now I was just going on as if nothing was different. I went into the bedroom and grabbed my coat before walking into the bathroom to brush my teeth and put makeup on. Justin walked in just as I was opening the bottle of mascara and just looked at me like I was some sort of freak.

"What?" I asked leaning over the sink to get closer to the mirror.

"Really? Makeup? You feel no sense of urgency here?"

"Babe, calm down. The contractions are really far apart and my water hasn't even broken, we have plenty of time."

"Okay well I for one would like to be at the hospital before your water breaks so could you maybe put a little spring in your step? My parents will be on a plane within the hour."

"Alright already," I said smacking my lips together after applying Chap Stick, "I'm ready, I'm ready. Shouldn't I be the one all up in arms about this?"

"I don't know why you're not. You're about to have a baby for God's sake," he said grabbing my elbow and pulling me out the door. I took a couple of waters from the fridge as we sped past it and out the back door into Justin's newly detailed car. I sat down and he took the seatbelt and buckled it for me, I just looked at him and shook my head. "What?"

"I'm a fully functioning human being. I didn't lose the ability to use my arms and legs when I went into labor." He rolled his eyes at me and walked over to the other side of the car. We were about three quarters of the way to the hospital before we hit traffic and Justin decided it was necessary for him to lean on his horn in hopes that people would just move over and let him through I guess. After a good two minutes I leaned over and grabbed his arm, the horn still ringing in my ears even after it stopped. "Justin," I said waiting to continue until he looked at me, "I. Am. Fine. I'm not in any kind of excruciating pain that would lead me to believe this baby was going to pop out within the next 6 hours, so calm down you leaning on your horn is not going to make traffic go any faster."

"You can't have the baby in this car...it just got detailed." I knew that he didn't mean it maliciously and he was just having a nervous breakdown, so I cracked a joke instead of actually getting offended.

"And here I am thinking you're concerned about me and the safe birth of our child, when in reality you're just concerned about your car getting dirty."

"Of course I'm concerned about you and the baby, come on Ris you know what I mean. You've read the books it gets pretty nasty."

"You're really putting me at ease right now Justin, thank you so much."

"Sorry...I'm sorry, this is just really nerve-wracking. I just want to get you to the hospital with the baby still inside you because I sure as hell can't deliver a baby, you know I have a weak stomach." He was freaking out, and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. While Justin continued to panic I got on the phone to let a few important people know that I was in labor. Amy starting flipping out quite similarly to Justin, so I made her give the phone to Trace since I knew he would be a little more subdued. I also called Luke and Jen, and no sooner did I hang up the phone did we pull up to the hospital. Justin went in the emergency room entrance and was adiment that this was an emergency until I convinced him that the doctor would be meeting us at the normal labor and delivery check in.

It didn't really hit me until I was laying in a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown and being hooked up to monitors that we'd be leaving this hospital no longer a twosome, but a family of three. It was hard to imagine since I wasn't really in that much pain that I'd soon be having a baby, but as the pain intensified I tried doing everything possible to keep my mind off of it. I made Justin go get a deck of cards from the gift shop, and we sat playing Gin Rummy for a couple of hours before his parents arrived, his mother sobbing, and his father rolling his eyes at her much like I did to Justin earlier. We sat around talking for a while and when the doctor came in to see how far along I was they went to grab a bite to eat leaving Justin and I alone again. I was 6 centimeters dilated and was somehow managing the pain quite well. I would never say it was easy and that the contractions didn't feel like someone was tearing my insides apart, but I was able to focus on something other then the pain for the most part. We agreed to try and do it the natural way, but not much longer after the doctor left did the pain intensify by a thousand. Now under the supervision of a doctor, Justin was a whole lot calmer and there supporting me 100%. I may have broken his hand in a few places during each contraction but he somehow managed to pretend like I wasn't hurting him. After one of the most painful two minutes of my life, I threw my head back on the pillows, and Justin patted my forehead down with a cool cloth.

"Sorry this is happening on your birthday..."

"Are you kidding me? This is a pretty awesome birthday gift. Plus, it's not my birthday anymore," he said with a small laugh, and I looked up at the clock to see that it was 1 in the morning.

"See, I knew you'd be upset if you had to share your birthday."

"I wouldn't have been upset."

"Well, sorry I went into labor and the day didn't go as planned."

"You're not really serious are you? I did everything I wanted to do, and you even made me peach cobbler. My birthday couldn't have been any better."

"But it didn't taste like your Granny's, and you only had one bite."

"It's the thought that counts baby."

"So it was bad wasn't it?"

"It was not bad. It was delicious, and I'm sure I'll enjoy it when we get home with our baby."

"No you won't," I said shaking my head.

"And why is that?"

"Because you left it on the table so it's going to go bad by the time we get home."

"Well it's a good thing I sent Trace to go put it in the fridge hours ago..."

"You didn't....OW," I grabbed his hand and attempted to focus on him but it wasn't working anymore. I wanted drugs, no, I needed drugs. I made Justin promise to not let me give in and get them before I went into labor, and right about now I was kicking myself for it. People try and tell you how bad the pain is and I'm sure everyone thinks that they can handle it, just like I did, but let me tell you this pain is like no other. I'd imagine this is exactly what it felt like to be stabbed over and over again and then someone sat there and put pressure against the stab wounds until your insides started to explode. I begged Justin for drugs, if I could have gotten on my hands and knees I would have and the more he said no the more I wanted to punch him in the face. He kept offering me ice chips and a cool cloth like that was going to help at all, and at one point I pulled the typical "I'm in labor crazy bitch act," grabbed his face and said, "You did this to me you asshole." This as you can imagine is not one of my proudest moments. The doctor finally came back in, probably after hearing me scream bloody murder and announced it was time to start pushing. It wasn't until then that the panic set in. I saw him put scrubs on and two nurses came in soon after. I made Justin go out and get his mother and tried to calm myself down and focus on the task at hand, getting this baby out. 

The rest is honestly all a blur. I remember the pain it doesn't all go away like they say it does after the baby is out, and I remember everyone around me cheering me on and he doctor telling me to push. I remember looking up at the clock three hours later and trying to make deals with God to get this baby out. If all pans out the way I said it would, I'll be going back to mass every week and putting a thousand dollars in the collection bin, I'm also going to sponsor 10 children from that commercial they show on TV a million times a day, and some of my shoes are supposedly going to charity. I actually said I'd part with my shoes that alone should be an indication of how badly I wanted to get the baby out. But everything else was a blur, apparently I threatened to kill everyone and literally attempted to punch Justin in the face, and I've been told that I wasn't saying the nicest things to the doctor either. 5 excruciating hours later, and God only knows how many pushes there was a crying baby in my arms and Justin was standing over me cutting the cord. There are no words to describe the feelings that comes over you when you see your baby for the first time. It was like having the wind knocked out of me, but in a good way.

The nurse took the baby to clean it off and I felt like she took a piece of me away. I felt Justin's lips on mine and everything about the last 12 hours disappeared for a minute. He backed away and kissed my forehead and my eyes met his. I reached up and wiped the tears off of his cheeks and he did the same to me.

"I'm so proud of you baby," he said in a shaky voice, "I love you so much."

"We have a baby?" I asked for some reason not believing that I had just given birth.

"We have a baby," he said.

"What is it?"

"I don't even know," he laughed, "I was too excited to look." The nurse was walking over to us with the baby wrapped up in a blanket and I asked her if it was a boy or a girl.

"Take a look Dad," she said to Justin, "Tell Mommy what she's won." She put the baby in Justin's arms and that alone melted my heart. He "sneaked a peek" inside the blanket that his mother had taken him home from the hospital in and started crying again leaving me in the dark.

"WELL?" I said after a few seconds. He walked over to me and put the baby in my arms again, and I stroked its little red cheek.

"Say hello to your son," he sat down next to me on the bed and I looked up at him in shock.

"Really?"

"Yep, it's a boy."

"Oh thank God!" I said and it was at that point that his mother started laughing and I remembered she was actually in the room. It's not that I would have been upset if I had a girl, I would have been happy as long as the baby was healthy, but I was the complete opposite of a girly girl. That combined with the fact that I wasn't really raised well made me really nervous about raising a girl. A boy though I knew I could handle. I could play sports with him and teach him everything there is to know about them, and Justin was a guy's guy and I knew that with his upbringing he'd be able to raise a boy like no other. For the first time, he opened his eyes and looked up at me with the brightest blue eyes I'd ever seen. Justin's lips went to my temple and he was stroking  the baby's head. This moment, was the greatest moment of my life.

"Does he have a name?" Lynn asked now walking over to us and looking at her grandson for the first time. I looked up at Justin and he just nodded. We had come up with a name while playing cards earlier but agreed to wait for the baby to be born to actually commit.

"Grandma, I'd like you to meet your grandson, Brayden Francis Timberlake," I said placing my son in her arms. We stayed like that, passing the baby back and forth for a while not saying a word. This moment was exactly what everyone was telling me about. The world around me kind of just stopped. I wasn't thinking about my past, or the future. I didn't think that I was going to fail as a Mom, and I wasn't even really thinking about my relationship with Justin. I was focused on the now. I was focused on my child being in my arms, feeling his soft skin against mine and finally being able to kiss him. I was focused on my family, and on how happy and proud Justin was to have a son. The paparazzi didn't matter, the tabloids didn't matter, nothing mattered except this baby. That day my entire world changed. February 1, 2009 at 6:12am was the day my life was no longer all about me and my past, or about Justin or about our relationship, it was about this little 7lb 8oz baby boy that totally depended on us to survive and that we would do everything in our power to protect.

Once we said it was okay for people to start visiting we were surrounded by family and friends for the next three days. Since everything went smoothly and Brayden was in tiptop health we were cleared to go home the next day and our front door became a revolving door for everyone to come and see him. Having a baby home with us was quite the adjustment and we were so lucky to have Justin's parents staying with us for a few weeks to help get accustom to day to day life. As much as I loved having everyone over it was absolutely exhausting, and after being home for two days and not having a minute to breath I made Justin kick everyone out so that we actually had a minute to just be a family and take it all in.

I was in our bedroom feeding Brayden when I heard silence for the first time since the hospital. His big blue eyes were looking into mine and I couldn't help but cry. I was thinking about how I reacted when I found out I was pregnant and how much my life has changed since then. I can't imagine my life without him in it and the thought of ending my pregnancy now literally made me sick to my stomach. He was a mini Justin, but luckily he had my nose. He had little curls and could scream just like his father. When he'd get upset he would scrunch his nose and furrow his brows just like Justin would, and those eyes. Eyes that I was once afraid of, were now eyes that I longed to see every waking moment from my son and his amazing father. I heard the bedroom door close but didn't look up to see who it was.

"Hey Mama," Justin said sitting down next to me and placing a small kiss on my cheek.

"It's so weird to hear you say that to me and not your mother."

"How's he doing?"

"He's a good eater that's for sure. Must have picked that up from his Dad."

"We Timberlake men like to eat...or, well...drink," he laughed, "and how are you doing?"

"Well, besides the fact that I'm exhausted, I've never been better. Can you believe this Justin? Can you believe that we have a baby? Like, he's ours, we get to keep him," I said looking up at him for the first time since he came in the room.

"It's pretty surreal. I can't wait until my parents go home and it's just us though."

"Don't say that," I said quickly, "Your mother hasn't taught me everything yet!"

"You'll never know everything Ris...she doesn't even know everything. Babies are like a learn as you go kind of deal."

"That just doesn't seem right, I feel like they are the one thing in life that should come with a manual."

"I know," he said reaching out and brushing Brayden's cheek, "I have something for you."

"You do? For what?"

"I'm just...I'm so proud of you and I love you so much and you gave me my son, so I just got you a small gift to say thank you, and I love you." He pulled out a small box from the drawer of the end table and put it in between us. I handed him the baby and just watched him for a few seconds before picking up the box and unwrapping it. I opened the lid and pulled out the most beautiful locket I've ever seen in my life. It was white gold with diamonds wrapped around the edges, "turn it around," he said with the baby resting on his shoulder. I flipped it over and saw that the back was engraved "B.F.T." and underneath that it had his birthday. I opened the locket and immediately started crying. Inside was a picture of Justin and me from his birthday dinner with all of his family and friends just a week ago, and on the other side was the first picture we took as a family. My first instinct was to jump on him and wrap my arms around him but when I looked up and saw the baby sleeping peacefully on his shoulder I contained myself and pressed my lips on his, closing my eyes and letting it all sink in.

"Thank you baby...for everything. I didn't think I could ever love you any more then I already did, but I do. Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. I love you very much, don't ever forget that okay?"

"I could never forget that Justin."

"You say that now, but things are going to get crazy. I'm going to get on your nerves and we're both going to have bad attitudes due to lack of sleep, but I want you to know that even through all of that I love you and I will never ever stop loving you. You're the mother of my child and the love of my life."

"Is this make Marissa cry day?"

"Come on now...we all know every day is make Marissa cry day babe."

"This is true. But seriously, thank you."

"You're welcome baby," he said leaning over and giving me a kiss, "now go shower before you start to smell even worse then you already do."

"JUSTIN! I do not smell."

"I know I'm just kidding, but seriously go shower, it's been two days..."

"But the baby..."

"The baby is sleeping, and I'm a fully capable human being. I've got him, go take a few minutes for yourself you deserve it."

"What if he starts crying?"

"Marissa," he said looking at me with a stern eye, "I'm the child's father, I think I can handle it."

"What if you think wrong?" I asked trying really hard not to laugh but knowing there was a smirk on my face.

"GO...now, before I beat you up."

"Oh real nice Justin," I said walking away, "Nice thing to say to your kids mother." I closed the bathroom door with a smile on my face, thankful for everything I have in my life, and knowing that so much is going to change but at the same time everything is going to stay exactly the same.

You hear all the stories, and people tell you how you're going to feel, but you can't actually believe it until it happens. Marissa was in labor for a long ass time. They say the first time is longer than the rest, but she was pushing for five hours, and at one point I never thought it was going to end. I was literally dodging punches after a while and to most people that would probably make them nervous if not scared for there life after the baby is born, but to me it was hilarious. I could tell she was trying so hard to stay calm, focus, and deal with the pain, but after a couple of hours she just wasn't having it anymore, and by that point it was too late for drugs so she had to do it the all natural way. I thought that maybe throughout the entire process she may have broken a few bones in my hand, but after all was said and done the pain went away after a couple of hours, and my son was born in perfect health while my beautiful, strong, amazing girlfriend snapped back to her old self in no time. I was beyond proud of her, she was such a trooper and I don't think I could have done what she did even if it was humanly possible. As I stand here now two weeks later with my son in my arms looking up at me like I'm some sort of hero and Marissa sleeping ten feet away from me for what seems like the first time since she gave birth, I'm convinced that I'm the happiest man on this earth.

My parents are going back home today and it will just be us left here, finally, our family of three. It's not going to be easy, these past two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life, but I've never been so excited to do something so difficult. Brayden has been incredible, and there really aren't any words to describe what it's like to be his father. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and watch him sleep; amazed that something so amazing could be half me. Each minute I spend with him is an adventure, whether it be him peeing on me while I change his diaper,  throwing up all over me and the new outfit we just put on him, or when he looks up at you with his baby blue's, his eyes telling you how much he loves you. Every sound he makes, every time he moves, every air bubble, it's nothing to the outside world, but to Marissa and me it's everything. I knew that she would be an incredible mother, but she doubted herself until the day he was born. Now that he's here though, she can finally see what I have all along. She jumped into this role like she's been doing it for years. She hasn't once complained about waking up every 2 hours to feed him. She's never once asked me to change a dirty diaper if she's physically able to, and she knows just what to do when he cries to get him to settle down. I fall more in love with her each day I see her interacting with our son.

Things have changed, as expected. I don't remember the last time I actually sat down and watched TV, or had a lazy day in bed with Marissa doing nothing. We use to talk before we went to sleep at night, and now she's usually passed out on the rocker with Brayden by the time I get out of the shower at night. I'll go into his room and take him out of her arms and spend a few minutes with him, usually sing to him for a little while before putting him in his crib and waking Marissa up to go to bed. She's gotten really clingy almost, and hasn't gone to sleep in our bed without her head on my chest since he was born, and she insists on getting up with me every single time he wakes up at night even if I tell her she doesn't have to. I don't know if she's scared or if she thinks I'm going to leave her or what but once things settle down a little bit and we figure out a solid routine I'll talk to her about it, but until then I'll just wrap my arm around her and listen to her breathing slow down before I actually let myself fall asleep.

"Justin?" I turned to see my mother standing in the doorway.

"Hey Mama."

"How's he doing?"

"He's just chillin'. We're just talking about life over here."

"Can I hold him?"

"Of course you can Grandma," I said kissing his forehead and handing him off to my mother. We walked downstairs to the living room and I laid down on the couch putting my head in my mother's lap and closing my eyes. After a few minutes of talking to the baby she started scratching my head like she use to do when I was a kid and actually addressed me, this time in a voice that was holding back tears.

"I'm really proud of you Justin...really, really proud. There's so much I want to say but I don't want to cry."

"Please don't cry, because if you cry then I'll cry and I've done enough crying I feel like I'm losing some of my manhood."

"Well just know that I'm proud of you."

"I know Mama, I know. And you were right..."

"About what?"

"About everything, but most importantly about how life changing having a kid is, and how nothing else matters once it's here. People kept telling me that all of my achievements would mean nothing once Brayden got here and to be honest I didn't really believe them because I've worked so hard my whole life to get where I am today. But the moment I saw him for the first time it was like nothing else in the world mattered. My proudest moment was winning my first Grammy and I never thought anything would ever surpass the way I felt that night, but how I feel when I hold him...that surpasses that night every time."

"See, you have to experience it to believe it. I'm so glad you finally get to feel how I've felt for the past 28 years. The moment you were born I didn't matter anymore, it was all about you and it has been since then. I'm not saying that in a bad way either. I've worked many jobs in my life Justin, but none have been as important or as rewarding as being your mother and supporting you every step of your journey. From your first smile to your first record deal, to your first award and movie, to watching you fall in love and become a father, all of those moments are my proudest moments. And if you raise your son to be half the man that you are, I can guarantee you that there will not be a day that goes by that you're not proud of him."

"I love you Mama. Thank you for being the best mother anyone could ever ask for."

"Anything for you baby."

"I wish you guys could stay a little longer..."

"No way," she said laughing, "this whole baby thing is way to easy for you with us here. You'll never learn if we never leave. Right Brayden?" she asked giving him a kiss.

"So you're saying it's going to be harder then it already is?"

"Ohhhhhh yeah," I heard my father say from the kitchen. He walked into the living room sitting down at the other end of the couch and I put my feet up on his legs, "you ain't seen nothin' yet kid. But your Mama raised you right, so I'm sure you'll do just fine."

"It wasn't just her that raised me right, it was you too Gramps. I have both of ya'll to thank. You know I'm going to be calling with questions at least 5 times a day right?"

"Remind me to change our phone number when we get home Lynn..."

"Oh sweetie I've already put a call in to the phone guy."

"Both of you think you're funny don't you? This ain't no joke; this is the health and wellness of your grandchild that you've been begging me to give to you for years!"

"You," my mother said kissing my forehead, "and Marissa," she nodded her head over to the doorway where Marissa was now standing unbeknownst to me, "are going to be great parents to my grandson. I have complete faith in the both of you. Now let's go eat lunch before this turns into an even bigger sap fest." We all laughed, some of us brushing tears away (Marissa and my mother) and Ris took the baby who was now sleeping from my mother and put him in his crib. I stood up and wrapped my arms around my mother and gave her the longest hug I ever remember giving her in my entire life. Without her love and support I wouldn't have been able to achieve half of my accomplishments. She pushed me to be a strong, respectful, confident, hard working person and gave me the knowledge and wisdom I need to instill those values on my son. "I love you baby."

"I love you too Mama...thank you."

"You're welcome sweetheart. You're going to be great."

***

I dropped my parents off at the airport at 6:00 after the longest goodbye ever. The minute we got to the front door she and Marissa started crying like someone had died and I basically had to pry them apart. With promises of phone calls and Skype dates we were finally on our way, and I had paparazzi on my tail from the moment I walked out of my house to the moment I walked back in. Trying to drive through them without hitting them, and just the hassle it was to say goodbye to my parents put me in an entirely different mood then I wanted to be in when I got back. I signed up for this when I signed my first record deal, and Marissa signed up for this the moment she decided she wanted to be with me, but Brayden didn't. He has no choice but to be followed by these people that want to take his picture and hope that something bad happens to him so that they can break the story or be the first ones with a picture. Before he was born I wouldn't really get upset about people following me just because it has been a part of my life for so long, but now I'm in protector mode and don't even want to leave my house with my son because I'm afraid of what they might do to him. I don't want him to end up resenting us because we raised him in the spotlight that he didn't choose to be in, but the only way out of that would be to move to Antarctica and that wasn't really an option. So until I felt comfortable we would just have to only go out when absolutely necessary with him, and when we do make sure he's covered, put our guards up, and stand our ground to protect our son.

Brayden was in his swing and Marissa was sitting on the bench at the piano when I walked in, a notebook open on her lap, and a pencil in between her teeth. She's been sitting there a lot lately, sometimes even in the middle of the night if she can't sleep. She recently signed a contract releasing some of her songs to Christina, and just yesterday got an extremely large check in the mail. I for one have been trying to convince her to quit her job and just become a songwriter but she's been working at the radio station for so long she can't seem to give it up, and she's still not sure if she wants to sell her stuff. I think hearing Christina singing her song made her want to sell to her, but not knowing what another artist may do with it makes her nervous. She doesn't want her name attached to something that isn't up to her standards or doesn't do the meaning justice. It's going to take a little more convincing, but I think once we move to LA and she has to give up the radio station she'll realize it's what she was meant to do. Brayden started crying and she closed the notebook throwing it on top of the piano with her pencil and went to go pick him up. She sat down on the floor indian style with him in her arms and just looked at him for a while with a look in her eyes that I'd never seen before. It was the look that I'd seen my mother give me so many times before that made me know how much she loved me. It's a look that a mother could only have for her child.

"What's the matter? You don't like it when Mommy plays the piano and painfully attempts to sing to make sure the song sounds how I want it to? You only like it when Daddy sings to you huh? He's got a pretty good voice your Dad. Some people even say he has the best voice in the whole entire world, I sure think he does. Do you know how many people would kill to have him sing to them like he does to you? You're a pretty lucky guy Bray, your Daddy is the most amazing person walking the face of this earth and you get to have him all to yourself. He's going to teach you so much, and you're going to get to meet all of his friends that have some pretty cool jobs, and they're all going to spoil you especially your Uncle Trace and Auntie Amy, but you're a good guy and you're not going to let it go to your head. You're going to get to do some pretty amazing things in your life and that's all thanks to your Dad, and maybe your Mom if I can just get myself to realize I should be a songwriter. That's one thing you should know about me, it's hard for me to convince myself of things that are so painfully obvious to other people and I can be pretty stubborn, but I've gotten better since I've met Daddy and I bet I'll be even better now that you're here." She stood up and walked past the piano over to the bay windows and just looked out for a while angling him in her arms so that he could see out too. "It's a pretty big world out there, all that," she pointed to the buildings below us, "That's just Boston. Soon we're going to move to California where it's warm all the time and that's even bigger then Boston. Daddy's going to be able to work easier there, and Mommy will be able to find her dream job there, and we're going to give you the best life possible. Lots of people are going to want to take your picture because of who your Daddy is, but don't let them scare you because once they get the shot they want they're not so bad. There's so much we have to teach you but I can already tell you're going to learn quick because you take everything in around you. I promise we'll do everything to keep you safe and teach you everything you need to know about life. You're going to be surrounded by so much love you won't even know what to do with half of it. We all love you so much already Brayden. I didn't even know I could love somebody as much as I love you, and people that you won't get to meet love you too. Like your Uncle Frankie. You won't get to meet him because he's already in heaven, but I know that he loves you so much that's why his name is your middle name. We'll go visit him before we leave for California but you have to remind me okay? And even if I say I don't want to go, make sure I do...Lets go see if Daddy's home yet..."

I turned around and ran to the living room turning the TV on to make her think I was sitting there the whole time. She walked in soon after me with a smile on her face and her finger out for Brayden to hold onto. She sat down next to me and I put my arm around her shoulders kissing the top of her head as she leaned it on my chest. We sat there for a while, finally a family, not saying a word just watching TV. I realized then that even though people could get me upset and put me in a bad mood, moments like this would be happening every single day and they would put me back in the place I needed to be in. As soon as Brayden started crying, we gave him a bath and put him to bed before sitting down at the dinner table to eat. I scooped some take out Chinese into two plates and put one in front of Marissa before taking my own seat across from her. Unless my mother cooked, we  had only eaten take out for the past couple of weeks with neither one of us really having any time to cook between taking care of the baby and entertaining visitors.

"I'll cook breakfast in the morning so that we won't continue to gain weight at rapid speed," she said to me putting a fork full of lo mien in her mouth.

"Don't worry about it; I'm capable of cooking breakfast. The fridge is empty though I think I'm going to go out in a few and grab some stuff for the house."

"Oh," she replied sounding defeated as she looked down at her food.

"Oh? What's wrong?"

"Nothin'..."

"You are so convincing."

"No really...I just thought...I don't know it's our first night alone. I guess I was hoping to just spend some time with you, I feel like I haven't actually talked to you in a while."

"I can stay home tonight and go shopping in the morning that's no problem babe. Don't be afraid to tell me what you want."

"I'm not...I just...Forget it."

I looked at her but she wouldn't look at me, she just continued eating focusing solely on the food that was going from the plate into her mouth. I reached across the table and took her empty hand in mine waiting for her to look up at me, "I'll stay home tonight it's no big deal." She didn't say anything just went back to eating her food, "Marissa..."

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine."

She wasn't fine, anything with a brain would know she wasn't fine but I wasn't going to press the issue right now, "Okay, why don't you go check on him and get ready for bed. I'll clean up here."

"I'll help you," she said quickly getting up and taking both of our empty plates to the dishwasher.

"I'll go check on him then."

"He's fine Justin. He's sleeping and if you go in there he might wake up, we'll hear him if something is wrong." I turned around going back to the table to get our glasses and put the drinks back in the fridge. Something major was wrong and as much as I wanted to just let it go and hope that it passed, I knew that I couldn't for much longer. We finished cleaning in silence, and got ready for bed in silence. He woke up right before we were about to get into bed and she grabbed my hand pulling me along with her to his room and we sat in silence as she fed him. It may have been silent in the room but my head was as loud as could be running with thoughts of what might be wrong and how to approach actually getting an answer out of her. She handed him off to me when he finished eating and I sang him back to sleep before kissing his little forehead and putting him back in his crib, walking back to our room with my arm around her shoulders.

We got into bed and her head went immediately to my chest and I knew if I didn't say something soon she'd be sleeping within minutes. A few minutes later I felt her fingers tracing over my stomach, and her eyelashes grazing right over my heart every time she blinked. I started rubbing her back knowing that she was about to break. I wasn't going to have to say anything she was just going to tell me if I just gave her some time. Next thing I felt were tears sliding down my side and it was at that point that I slid down further on the bed to get on her level and I wiped her cheeks clean with my thumbs. "Whatever it is babe, we can fix it."

"I love him so much...I really do," she said through sniffles, holding onto me for dear life.

"I know you do Maris, we both do."

"Sometimes I want to just give him away though. I know that I don't mean that because I can't imagine my life without him but...It's just so much change all at once. I feel like he's taking you away...God it sounds so selfish when I say it out loud. I just don't know if I'm strong enough..."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"I'm not really sure," she said with a little laugh trying to wipe her tears away.

"I think that it's going to take a lot of getting use to for the both of us, and right now it's hard to focus on us when he's so little and needs every last minute of our attention. I also think that you are doing an unbelievable job at being his mother, and I know how much you love him just by how you look at him. He's not taking me away from you; I'm here for you whenever you need me no matter where I am. It's a big adjustment that we're just now going to start figuring out because now my parents are gone and it's just us, but we can do this. We've already proven we're a great team, together we made a pretty cute kid."

"I just feel so awful because sometimes he'll cry and I don't want to go get him. I'm an awful mother already and it's only been two weeks. What if I can't do this?"

"You are not awful Marissa," I said sternly, "and you're not in this alone. You don't have to do this yourself, every time he cries you don't have to go get him because I'm here too. You won't be a bad mother because I go get him instead of you, we're in this together."

"I know...Like in my head I know but it's not how I feel. I feel like if I ask you to go do it then I'm neglecting him."

"I have an idea, but I don't want you to get mad at me okay? It's just a suggestion."

"I won't get mad I promise."

"Maybe you should talk to someone..."

"I'm talking to you aren't I?"

"I know you're talking to me but I'm saying maybe you should talk to someone that doesn't have a bias..."

"You want me to go talk to a therapist is what you're saying."

"I'm not saying it like you have mental problems or anything. I just think that someone that doesn't live with you or really know you can convince you that you're doing a great job better then I can. Because me telling you doesn't mean as much since you think I'll tell you that even if you're not."

"Maybe...I'm not good with strangers and feelings though, you know that."

"So I'll come with you if you want...I just think it might be helpful."

"I think you might be right."

***

"So how can I help you Miss Mitchell?"

"Please call me Marissa," she said her hand sweating into mine.

"Okay Marissa and Justin?" she asked looking at me making sure it was okay to call me by my first name.

"Yes, Justin," I nodded.

"How can I help?" Dr. Alice Murray was a physiatrist that Marissa's cousin Rebecca suggested we go see. She went and spoke to her soon after Frankie had passed away and she said she would recommend her to anyone who ever needed one. It took a little more convincing but I think after Luke had said it would be a good idea she finally agreed to come. Brayden was officially one month old and we've been on our own with him for two weeks. I wish I could say things were getting better, but the more time that past the clinger she was becoming. I didn't mind it really because I love spending time with her and being close to her but I knew it wasn't something that should be happening at this point, and I knew it was bothering her.

"Well...I don't really know how to explain it," she started looking over at me, "I guess since I've had my son things have been a little off."

"Off? How so?"

"I constantly feel like a failure, and every time I do something for him I think I'm doing it wrong, but at the same time if I ask for help I feel like a bad mother."

"Has something happened to make you feel like that? Like has he gotten sick or hurt in some way?" She shook her head knowing that when he is in her care she does everything to make sure that he's safe. "Has he gotten sick or hurt when someone else is caring for him?"

"No."

"So what makes you think something bad is going to happen?"

"I don't know..."

"Justin do you know why she'd feel like that?" I jumped up a bit when she mentioned my name, I wasn't expecting to actually be a part of this session I thought I was only there for support. I pointed to myself as if there were another Justin in the room, "Yes, you," she said.

"Well...I think that a lot of bad things have happened to her in her life that it may seem like to her nothing can go right. That mixed with the fact that she didn't have a loving childhood and was made to believe everything she did was wrong could be part of it."

"That's all behind me Justin...it has nothing to do with this."

"She asked for my opinion..."

"Okay okay...Justin does bring up a valid point Marissa. Your past, though it may be behind you now may still effect you today. Justin mentions that you grew up in an unloving home, so I'd assume you'd want to give your son the exact opposite of that right?"

"Yes, I want my son to know that we love him. I'd never want him to feel the way I felt growing up. I can't imagine hurting him the way I've been hurt, and I don't want him to not have a relationship with us when he's older. I want him to feel comfortable coming to us with anything."

"Do you think that maybe you're being a little hard on yourself?"

"How so? For wanting my son to have a life that I didn't? I don't want him to be as messed up as I am at 22."

"No, what I mean is do you think that maybe you're doing a great job and you just don't see it? Maybe you're trying too hard to be perfect so that your son has a better life then you but in your eyes nothing is good enough for him?"

"Well he deserves nothing but perfection, and sometimes I can't give that to him. Sometimes I just want to block out his cries and go back to my life before he was here. I love him so much and it's not that I don't want him or anything, it's just too much."

"Does Justin help you?"

"Yes."

"When she lets me," I said cutting in.

"That's not true Justin and you know it."

"What do you mean when she lets you Justin?"

"If I get up to go get him she'll either tell me to sit down and she'll go get him or she'll come with me when I go. And if I tell her to stay put we'll fight about it so I've just quit fighting with her and just let her do what she wants."

"Is that true Marissa?" she asked leaning on her knee and looking at her inquisitively.

"No...Well I mean I guess."

"Do you think Justin will hurt Brayden if you're not with him?"

"No, he's amazing with him. Justin doesn't have a bad bone in his body and I know how much he loves Bray, he'd never hurt him."

"Then why is it do you think that you don't want Justin to be alone with him?"

"If I knew the answer to that question I don't think I'd be here right now. I'm messed up I get it. I'm neglecting my son and ruining my relationship."

"That is the farthest thing from the truth," the doctor said, and I leaned back on the couch. Finally, someone besides me is telling her that her view of herself is skewed. It's not her fault which is why I don't get mad about it, but I'm hoping that with help from someone else she'll be able to look at herself differently. "Marissa you are doing everything but neglecting your child, if anything you're taking too good care of him. You're trying to protect him from anyone and anything that might hurt him when in reality none of that is actually happening."

"I know that it's not happening but I'm trying to prevent it."

"Let me ask you another question," she said leaning back in her chair. Marissa let go of my hand and started twirling her thumbs and fidgeting. She was nervous because someone was actually picking her brain and getting down to the root of the problem and she didn't like it. "Who is Brayden with now?"

"Trace and Amy, our best friends."

"And how do you feel?"

"I feel fine I guess. I know he's in good hands and that they would never let anything happen to him. I mean I wish I was with him and not on this couch but I'm not panicked or anything."

"So why is it that you are okay with Trace and Amy watching him, but you're not okay with Justin watching him by himself without you there?" I looked at her waiting with baited breath for her answer. Rebecca was right, this doctor really is good. I never even realized or thought about the fact that it was just me that she was doing this with. When my parents were here she'd leave him with them to shower or nap without a problem, but when it's me she panics.

"I...I...I don't know. Not to sound mean or anything but I guess...I just...I think about what would happen if something did happen."

"Can you elaborate?"

"What if something happened while Justin was watching him? I know that he would never do anything on purpose but what if he slid out of his hands or something and he got hurt, then what? Am I supposed to just not love him anymore because he hurt my son? Or do I let it go and allow my son to get hurt without any repercussion? It's a lose lose situation.  If someone else is watching him, it's just different. Or what if something happens to Justin then what?"

"No one is perfect; Justin is going to make mistakes just like you're going to make mistakes. Do you see Justin following you around every time you go get him?"

"No."

"Do you trust Justin?"

"With my life."

"Then why don't you trust him with Brayden's?"

"I do."

"I don't think you do..."

"YES I DO!" she said now yelling, "Don't tell me that I don't trust him with his own child's life because I do. These two men are my life don't you get that? If something happened to either one of them I don't know what I'd do with myself. I can't raise Brayden without Justin, he's my rock, he's my everything. And I don't know what I'd do if something ever happened to Brayden. I can't live without them so I need to be there every minute of every day with both of them to make sure that they're okay." She was mad now, so mad that she was shaking and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that she finally got what she needed off of her chest and we're now going to be able to fix the problem.

"See now if you just said that in the beginning we would have had a much shorter session," she said laughing a bit.

"Is that why you don't want me to go out?" I asked turning her face to look at me, "You don't want me to leave because you're afraid something is going to happen to me and I'll leave you by yourself to raise him."

"You make me who I am," she said now with tears in her eyes, "I can't live without you, and if you're gone and I'm gone then Brayden is alone and I've failed him."

"Marissa nothing is going to happen to me if I go to the grocery store to pick up some bread. We live in Boston not Harlem. And I'm not going anywhere, I'm always going to come back home because you guys are my life too, and I would never leave either one of you."

"You get followed everywhere you go Justin, you could get hurt. I got hurt; you're never 100% safe."

"So I'll get more security...we'll figure this out, but the first thing you need to do is realize that I'm never going to willingly leave you or Brayden, and I'd never do anything to purposely hurt either one of you. You just have to talk to me and tell me exactly what you're feeling, and maybe coming back every once and a while wouldn't hurt either." She nodded wrapping her arms around my neck and I held her as tight as I could trying desperately to prove to her that things would be okay without actually saying it. "I love you very much, more then words could ever say Maris."

"I know," she said backing away, "I love you too, and you're right...I think coming back every once and a while might be a good idea too. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry baby."

"He's right Marissa; you don't have to be sorry it's not your fault. You have really high anxiety and I think you've got a small case of post partum depression which is why sometimes when Brayden cries you don't want to go get him and see if he's okay. Some women after giving birth feel like the child takes a piece of them away, and in your case I think you may feel like Brayden is taking a piece of your relationship with Justin away. If you're willing I'd like to put you on a small dosage of a medication to help you with this." She tightened up a little bit; the last time she was on medication was when her parents forced her to go see a therapist because she was "the problem," and this was probably a flashback of that moment. I looked at her and nodded letting her know I thought it would be a good idea but with eyes telling her it was her decision.

"I'd like to try it," she said after a while putting her head on my shoulder, "if it's going to help my relationship with Justin and help me raise my son more effectively I'm willing to try."

I kissed her temple and rubbed her back, "I love you."

"Love you too," she squeezed my hand and took the prescription from the doctor, "thank you doctor, we'll see you next week."

"You're welcome and congratulations on your son."

The small orange bottle with my name written across it has been taunting me for a little over a week. The tiny white pills inside look all to familiar even though they are nothing alike. I couldn't bring myself to the pharmacy to fill the prescription so I made Justin do it for me, and it was the first time he left the house since taking his parents to the airport without me. I knew he would be fine and that I was just overreacting but I think my heart was racing the entire 20 minutes he was gone. All the more reason to actually take the pills that will supposedly help with anxiety. I sat at the kitchen table looking at the bottle, picking it up every once and a while to shake it just to see what it sounded like. I knew I should just open the cap and pour one out but I was scared, of what I don't know but I was scared. I pushed my seat back leaving the bottle on the table and walked into the living room to see Brayden asleep on top of Justin's chest. Justin was also sleeping, one foot hanging off the armrest, the other hanging off the side of the couch, Sports Center flickering on the TV. For some reason it took me back to the day I met up with Justin in Florida only a week after we had met. We've grown so much since then. I remember walking into that hotel room not knowing where the night would lead. I was there to talk about our plan if we were outted but when I saw him sleeping on the couch my only plan was to take his clothes off. And now over a year later I see him in the same position this time with my son on his chest, swarms of paparazzi outside waiting to get his first picture, and our face on some channel on the television and inside magazines at every newsstand, and my instinct is to gently take my sleeping child off of him, put him in his crib to sleep and go back and rip my boyfriends clothing off. I guess not everything has changed.

I picked Brayden up and took him to his room, kissing his cheek before putting him in his crib and watching him sleep for a few minutes, and then I walked back out to the living room and placed myself on top of my sexy sexy boyfriend. His arm went directly to the small of my back, something that I've gotten very use to and feel at ease right as it happens. He stretched before opening his eyes to a small squint and smiling at me. "You were snoring."

"I don't snore," he said pointing to his lips letting me know he wanted a kiss.

"I can't kiss you."

"And why not?"

"Because you were drooling..."

"I DON'T DROOL!"

"Yep, definitely got the wrong guy then," I said attempting to get off of him, but he held me down by my legs. "Remember Florida?" I asked once I gave in.

"Do I remember Florida? How could I not remember Florida? So much shit went down there, and we were only there for what like 2 or 3 days?"

"I remember walking up the stairs to your hotel room and being scared because even though I convinced myself that we wouldn't last and that I didn't love you I knew deep down that I did and I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want what I believed to be true, but I kept telling myself to expect the worst. Then I saw you laying there...snoring.... and drooling..."

"I was not and you know it," he said tickling my sides.

"Whatever makes you sleep at night," I said swatting him away. "The point is that I saw you there and just knew. I knew that my life had changed and it would never be the same because Justin Timberlake was now a part of it. And then all hell broke loose and it hasn't been the same since then. I can't believe it's been over a year, it feels like yesterday."

"And now," he said pulling me down next to him, "now we have a kid, and you've somehow managed to make me want to settle down and not work all day every day. We went through some tough stuff in the beginning, but I wouldn't have had it any other way."

"Did you know?"

"Did I know what?"

"In Florida, did you know that you loved me?"

"I think I knew the minute I saw you, but I was convinced that I was crazy. Then everyone flipped out on me, which made me think I was crazy all the more. I almost didn't come out to meet you when Eric brought you backstage because I had convinced myself that I was losing my mind."

"And then you got hit with the title wave that is my emotional instability."

"That I did," he said kissing my cheek, "but that's one of the many reasons why I love you. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and not many people do that anymore."

"Did you ever think that this is where you'd be right now?"

"Never in a million years," he said laughing. "Before I met you all I cared about was my music, producing and acting. After tour I was going to start recording right away and go back out on the road after I released a new album. My work was all I had basically. I mean I had my family and friends and stuff but I was the happiest when I was working. If someone told me two years ago that I'd be lying on a couch in my house in Boston with someone who started out as a fan that was now the love of my life, and my son was sleeping in his room today, I'd ask for that person to be committed."

"Any regrets?"

"Not one," he said without hesitation. "I've learned more this last year and a half then I have my whole life."

"Not possible," I said furrowing my brows at him.

"I'm not kidding. My whole life it was music, music, music. I've been working since I was 11, so for 17 years I've been learning how to work, and how the business works. Basically I just learned how to be a perfectionist. But ever since I've met you I've learned all about myself, and about how to make a relationship work, and how to put someone else before me. Now if something doesn't go as planned I don't have a nervous breakdown and I'm able to just go with the flow. You taught me how to do that."

"You know I sat on top of you with every intention of ripping your clothes off and having really hot sex, but you just went all sappy on me Timberlake."

"Clearly you've rub off on me...but not enough to not want to take full advantage of the fact that our son is sleeping and we're alone and awake for the first time in over a month," he said getting up and throwing me over his shoulder. He practically ran into the bedroom and threw me down on the bed before climbing on top of me placing small kisses over every inch of skin that was exposed. "I love you baby girl."

"I love you too," I said unbuttoning his shirt while he fiddled with the button of my jeans.

***

April 2009

I shook the bottle for what seemed like the thousandth time in a month. I knew I had to take one or I was going to go crazy. I tried to convince myself that I knew what my problem was and I could handle it on my own, but that hadn't worked yet. Justin was in the other room with Brayden who had been crying for about 20 minutes now, and knowing that nothing was calming him down put me in even more of a panicked state. I could hear Justin's muffled voice trying to sing to him over Brayden's cries, singing always worked, why wasn't it working now? I pushed down on the cap twisting it off for the first time and looked inside the bottle quickly putting the cap back on. It shouldn't be this hard. Justin would ask me from time to time if I'd taken the pills yet and each time I'd say no I could see a little bit of disappointment on his face, but he'd never question me or force me to do it. He knew that this was something that I had to get over and him being on my back about it wasn't going to help. Silence. Finally. I could still hear Justin quietly singing, and small whimpers coming from Brayden every few seconds but the screaming had stopped and they were both okay. My heart started to slow down and it was becoming easier to breath. I jumped slightly when I felt Buckley rub up against my leg. I reached down to pat his head and looked at the bottle sitting on the table. I really need to just get over it and take one. "I should just take one right Buck?" I asked the dog looking down at him expecting an answer. He just looked at me with those sad Boxer eyes, "I know...it makes me sad too when he cries...look at me I'm talking to a dog," I said sighing and leaning back on the chair closing my eyes.

"It's a little better then talking to yourself," I chuckled leaving my eyes closed when I heard Justin. The dog ran from my side, and I could hear his collars jingling as he ran up to him, "Tell her Buckley, you understand, you're a good listener." I finally opened my eyes to see him walking over to me. He quickly kissed my forehead before walking over to the cabinets and pouring two cups of coffee, putting cream and sugar in his and just a drop of milk in mine. I never realized how sexy he looked pouring coffee in only a pair of boxers until that very moment. Putting the mug down in front of me I wrapped my hands around it and put my head down on the table. It was 4 in the morning and we had been up all night. Justin was wearing his glasses but I could still tell that his eyes were bloodshot and the lines in his forehead were always present. My eyes felt like they weighed 100 pounds and God only knows what I looked like.

"Do you think we'll ever sleep through the night again?" I asked feeling his hand go to my face as he brushed a piece of hair out of my eyes.

"In about 18 years when he goes off to college...did you take one?" he asked pointing to the bottle sitting in between us but never taking his hands off the mug. I shook my head, aggravated with myself.

"I know that I should..." I said trailing off.

"You should only do what makes you feel comfortable. But I can tell that you've been flipping out for a half hour with me in there alone with him crying."

"Do you think I've gotten any better?"

"I think that you're trying really hard," he said taking a sip of his coffee, "but I don't think that it's something you can really control on your own."

"So no is your answer..."

"I'm not going to force you to take them Marissa, it has to be your decision. But if I were you I'd probably be taking them, especially with the wedding coming up things are going to get crazy and I don't want you to end up in the hospital or something."

"I'm taking one," I said getting up and getting a glass of water from the sink sitting down and grabbing the pills off the table. I twisted the cap off and poured a couple of pills onto the table. I put my finger on top of one and moved it around on top of the table. Justin stood up and finished his last gulp of coffee at the sink putting his mug in the dishwasher. He kissed my head and started walking towards the stairs, "Where are you going?"

"Upstairs...I'm starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep."

"But..."

"You need to do it on your own babe. You don't need me there too." I watched him disappear, first his head then his bare chest and lastly his feet. He was right, I don't need him to sit here and watch me take a pill, I'm an adult damnit with a child of my own. I picked a pill up of the table and tossed it from one hand to the other a few times before throwing it into my mouth and washing it down with a couple of sips of water. I slammed the glass down on the table a little harder then necessary before picking the other pills up off the table and putting them back in the bottle and walking upstairs with the half full glass and bottle in my hand. I walked into Brayden's room and stood over his crib watching him sleep. I was doing this for him...he deserves me at my best. I kissed my hand and put it on his cheek before walking back to our room with a little pip in my step. I got into bed next to Justin looking at the clock that read 4:30, and felt his arm wrap around me. An hour and a half of sleep was better then nothing, I thought to myself before placing my head on his chest and dozing off.

***

May 2009

"Married Marissa...MARRIED!"

"I know Amy...you really need to calm down. You've been so excited for almost a year now and now that the day is here you're flipping out."

"I can't even cook, how am I going to be a good wife if I can't even cook?" she asked pacing back and forth on the hardwood floors in my living room.

"You've been living with Trace for 11 months, it hasn't bothered him yet that you can't cook."

"I don't even have a real job...I just graduated from college for Christ sake. What was I thinking? I need to learn how to iron..."

"Sit down," I said grabbing her shoulders and pulling her down on the couch next to me, "you are getting married today whether you like it or not."

"You're my maid of honor, you're suppose to tell me to do what my heart is telling me, not force me to marry someone if I'm not 100% sure."

"I know that you're sure Amy. You love Trace. You haven't looked at another guy since you met him, and you've ALWAYS looked at other guys when you're dating someone. You two are perfect for each other and you know it, it's just another ring on your finger Amy it's not a curse or anything. And you do have a job...Trace just happens to be your boss but you still have a job that you receive a paycheck and an assload of free clothes from."

"If it's just another ring on my finger then why aren't you and Justin married?"

"Justin and I are...different," I said looking away and putting Brayden over my shoulder to burp him, "We have a kid."

"In most cases the kid comes after the wedding Maris."

"So we're a little backwards, we'll get married someday."

"Poor Brayden...a product of two people living in sin," she said taking him from me. I threw the cloth that I had over my shoulder at her as I got up to let the hairstylist who had been ringing the doorbell in the house.

"As if you two have been perfect angels," I yelled behind me just as I opened the door and much to my surprise found Justin standing on the other side of it. "You ring the doorbell like you don't have a key to your own house or something," I said getting on my tiptoes to kiss him.

"I didn't know if you two would be running around naked or something, I didn't want to intrude."

"As if that wouldn't be you greatest fantasy coming true," I said closing the door and slapping his ass.

"I do NOT want to see my best friends woman running around naked," he said glaring at me.

"If she wasn't your best friends woman and just my best friend it would be a different story though right?"

"Of course," he said laughing as he walked into the living room to see Amy bouncing Brayden on her leg. "You look like hell, give me my kid before you scare him."

"Oh great...now I look like shit too," she said getting up and running to the bathroom.

"Way to go Mr. Sensitive, as if she wasn't flipping out enough...AMY OPEN THEN DOOR!" I yelled pounding on the locked bathroom door, "Now she's never going to marry him."

"Well at least Trace isn't the only one flipping out."

"They really are perfect for each other...AMYYYYYYY!" The doorbell rang again and this time it had to be the hairdresser, "J go open the door please while I try and calm her down," I twisted the knob to the bathroom and the door finally pushed open. "He was just kidding Am," I said sitting down on the toilet.

"He was not, I look like shit."

"That's why we have makeup people coming. Do you think I'd go out in public looking like this? I haven't slept in days...if it makes you feel any better Justin says the munchkin is flipping out too."

"He's not munchkin," she said sternly.

"Do you love him Amy?" I asked sitting down on the floor next to her.

"Of course I love him, I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't love him."

"Then I don't see what the problem is here."

"What if I'm bad at it?"

"You won't be bad at it Am...You guys are like the perfect couple."

"But we have you and Justin as a buffer. If we fight Justin goes to my house and I come to yours, and you guys make us realize how stupid we are...but in two weeks you guys will be gone and it'll just be us."

"You can still call us Ams," I said putting my arm around her shoulder, "And everyone fights, you wouldn't work if you didn't fight. You love Trace, and Trace loves you. You two are amazing with Bray and you're going to have the cutest kids in the world...next to my son that is. I know how much you want to marry him, this is just nerves."

"You and Justin don't fight," she said putting her head on my shoulder.

"You have lost all of your brains if you don't think me and Justin fight. We fight almost on a daily basis."

"Then how are you guys still together?"

"Because we love each other, and making up is fun. Everyone fights Amy. I get it this is a huge step and it's a lifetime commitment, but you know this is right...we all do."

"I know," she said getting up and looking at herself in the mirror, "it'll just be really weird without you guys. We were like The Flintstones and the Rubbles and now you'll be gone and it'll just be us."

"You can't decide whether or not you want to get married on me and Justin moving."

"I know I'm being stupid...I guess I'm just scared, like I can't believe this is happening. Once minute your dating a celebrity and the next minute I'm marrying his best friend."

"Try having a celebrities baby and then we'll talk..."

"YO BITCHES...Let's hurry this process up huh? You got hair and makeup people here and I have to get back to the gnome and get this kid dressed, ring bearers this cute don't come without some work!" Amy looked at me trying to keep a straight face but started laughing within seconds of Justin's rant.

"How could you fight with that?"

"How could I not fight with that?" I asked with a laugh getting up and giving her a hug, "Let's go get you married!"

We walked out of the bathroom and Amy immediately walked up to Justin, I thought she was going to give him a hug or something but the minute she punched him in the stomach and he keeled over a little but I couldn't help the small laugh that came out of my mouth, "He is NOT a gnome you asshole!" She then proceeded to walk directly up the stairs and into the guest room to get her hair and makeup done without another word.

"She's fucking pleasant today," Justin said as I took the baby out of his arms, "I can't believe she just punched me!"

"I'd punch Trace if he called you a gnome."

"Well I'm not one so there's a difference."

"Cut her some slack Justin, she's getting married today and she's flipping out. Do you have all of Brayden's stuff to get him ready? There's two bottles in the fridge so that should be enough until after the ceremony, and make sure you take that little ring toy thing that keeps him occupied. What else? Oh I put the diaper bag by the door and there are plenty of them in there. If I forgot something just call me and I'll bring it with me." I said walking up the stairs with Justin on my tail to get Brayden's tux that I knew Justin didn't have.

"Are you okay with all this? Me taking him for 6 hours and all?"

"I'm perfectly fine," I replied blowing on Brayden's stomach to get him to laugh. He started kicking his feet and laughing from his gut causing both of us to crack up too. "It's about time Brayden goes out with the men...right my dude?" I said picking him back up off the bed, kissing his cheek and handing him to Justin. "Those little white pills work miracles."

"I'm glad your doing better babe, it's like your a whole new person," he said wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist with a big smile on my face, "I think Brayden's glad too," he laughed as Brayden started kicking my head. I grabbed his feet with my hand and got on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. Moments like this I've just recently started to appreciate to the fullest since I was no longer worried 24/7. "Alright we have to go, see you on the alter Mama."

"Good luck with the gnome Pops!"

"I hope she just heard you and punches you in the stomach..."

"She would never...bye Brayden," I said as I watched the two most important men in my life walk out the door. I sat down on my bed and took a deep breath to prepare for Bridezilla 2.0. This day was never going to end.

***

I was poking my head out of the silk curtains to see Justin walk out behind Trace holding the cutest ring bearer I've ever seen in my life. All three of them were wearing custom William Rast suites, and Brayden's vest and tie matched his Daddy's blue ones bringing out there eyes even more. I caught Justin's eye quickly winking at him before turning back to Amy fluffing her dress one last time and handing her her beautiful bouquet of flowers. "You ready to become Mrs. Ayala?"

"How do they look? Does Trace look nervous? Do you think he'll walk off when he sees me?"

"They all look great...especially my kid but that's besides the point. And he's definitely not going to walk off, not when he sees you looking this hot!"

"Thanks Maris...for everything. I wouldn't be here without you."

"You are so welcome," I replied hugging her one last time before I was told it was time for me to walk down the isle. I looked at Justin and saw him trying to point me out to Brayden, I waved to him even though he was too little to even notice, and the smile on my face got even bigger. Around me were 300 of Trace and Amy's family members and friends half of which were my own. I past Luke and squeezed his hand on my way, and hugged and kissed Amy's mother before I took my spot on the alter. Trace looked at me, with nerves and questions written all over his face. I gave him a thumbs up to assure him Amy would actually be walking down the isle. I then turned to watch my best friend walk down the isle in a custom Vera Wang gown. Tears immediately started filling up my eyes and I caught Trace brush some tears away out of the corner of my eye. She looked radiant, holding onto the arm of her father walking down to the man she would soon call her husband. Five years ago we were seniors in high school meeting for the first time on a tour for our perspective college, young, and very naive. And now we're all grown up. Amy's getting married, I have a baby, and we're turning into adults. I never even imagined this day would come; Amy was a player, a tease even and now she's about to commit her life to Trace. He walked down the steps and took Amy's hand as she kissed her father. Trace shook Bob's hand firmly and quickly wiped a stray tear falling down Amy's cheeks. I looked over at Justin and mouthed, "I love you," to him before taking her flowers and watching two of my best friends commit their lives to each other.

The ceremony went off without a hitch, minus Brayden screaming right in the middle of Trace's vows and me running across the room to take him from Justin. Everyone laughed when Trace turned around and asked, "Is that my nephew objecting to this wedding?" and I apologized profusely before returning back to my post and soon after they were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Trace Ayala. With the seal of a kiss we were off the Ritz for the reception where pictures were taken and the open bar was flowing. After we were all introduced and Justin fittingly sang their first dance, we set up shop at the head table handing Brayden over to Grandma Lynn and Grandpa Paul. Soon, the microphone was back in Justin's hand and he stood up to give the best man's toast.

"I have known this little guy for the best part of my entire life." He was met with laughter, as he usually was when he cracked a joke about Trace's height. "Phew I'm glad I didn't get punched by Amy like I did earlier for calling her man short," he said reaching out his hand and holding onto Amy's. "But in all seriousness, Trace has been like a brother to me for my entire life, and we vowed 20 years ago to stay bachelors for the rest of our lives. We had big plans at 8 to buy a yacht and live on the water forever, meeting woman at sea. Clearly that didn't work out for either one of us, but in the end I'm glad that it didn't. I've seen Trace with his fair share of woman and this guy has no game, so I'm not entirely sure how he scored Amy but I'm really happy that he did. I've never seen him so happy before in my life...even when you give him treats he's not this happy, honest! These two together are like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo, and as dysfunctional as they are, somehow it works and they are so clearly madly in love with each other. They are the best aunt and uncle slash Godparents I could ever ask for for my son, and in giving up some of my best friend, I've somehow gained another one. I'm so happy to welcome Amy into our dysfunctional family. So to Trace and Amy, may each and every day that goes by be as special and as loving as this one. Amy, make sure the little guy gets fed at some point during the day even if its just scrapes. And Trace, if I've learned anything from my relationship...keep her happy, not only will it keep you out of the doghouse but the feeling of knowing that she's smiling because of you is one of the best feelings in the world. And last but not least...please have babies so that I can spoil them and get them hyper and then hand them right back to you guys right at the point of breakdown to deal with like you do to me! To Trace and Amy," he concluded raising his glass and toasting. After taking a sip of champagne he handed the microphone off to me.

"Unlike my better half over there I'm not sure if I can get through this without crying so I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I've only known Amy for 5 years but I feel like it's been a lifetime. We've been through just about everything life could throw at you together and I'm not sure if I would have been able to do it all without her. Like Justin, I've seen Amy with her fair share of men and I knew the moment these two met that we would be standing here today. They are friends first which is so important in every relationship, and seeing them together and so happy is something that everyone should strive for in there own relationships. So to Trace, for treating my best friend the way she should be, and for keeping the smile on her face. Keep treating her right or I'll beat your short ass. And to my best friend, keep Trace out of trouble because if he's in trouble Justin's usually with him and I just don't want to have to deal with that. I'm so happy you've found your Prince Charming. You deserve every good thing that happens to you in your life. Thank you for being the best friend anyone could ask for, and the greatest Auntie to Brayden. Congratulations on your happily ever after. To Amy and Trace!" Everyone applauded and took another drink. Just as dinner was about to be served, Trace and Amy stood up to give a toast of their own.

"We'd like to thank everyone for coming out here today, I know for a lot of you it was quite the journey to get to Boston from LA or Tennessee, and we really appreciate you doing that," Trace started. "We'd like to thank our parents for supporting us throughout this long, and quite stressful wedding planning process, and to our wedding planner Joe...none of this would have happened without him. I think everyone dreams of this day, even when you plan on being a bachelor for the rest of your life, and I for one can say this is pretty much exactly how I saw it going. But absolutely none of this would have been possible without Justin and Marissa. These two not only introduced us but also have supported our relationship from day one, and they've been the couple that we look up to and go to for advice. They've also given us our wonderful nephew who apparently from his shenanigans at the church objects to this marriage. But through watching them raise there son, we can now assure you that we'll make all of your dreams come true and have kids of our own one day, and I'm sure it will be J and Marissa that we'll be calling to help us. So thank you guys so much because without you we would have never found each other. We're going to miss you when you leave us, so come back and visit as often as possible." The tears that I was able to contain during my speech were now flowing freely. I stood up and hugged Amy, both of us sobbing mildly before walking over to Trace and hugging him.

"Take care of my girl or I'll kill you."

"I will...Thank you," he said with what I thought was a hint of a sniffle.

"You're welcome. I love you Tracey!"

"Love you too Champ!"

I haven't had as much fun as I did at this wedding reception in a really long time. Lynn and Paul were taking Brayden for the night back to our house while we stayed at the hotel. Around 8:00 I packed up all of Brayden's stuff and had a minor nervous breakdown knowing that this would be the first night without either Justin or me there. I cried like the fool that I am and watched them leave with my son and after a few minutes I calmed down enough to let loose just like I did before I became an old lady with a kid. This would be the last time all of us would be in one room together before Justin and I left for LA in two weeks and there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to live it up. I can't tell you how many shots of tequila were taken, or why I decided it would be okay for me to do the chicken dance in the middle of a huge circle of people, but I can tell you it was a night that I will never forget. As the night was winding down the band went from playing a fun dance song to "It's Your Love," by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. I was sitting down talking to a group of friends when Justin came over to me holding out his hand.

"May I have this dance my lady?" he asked.

"Oh but of course kind sir," I said taking his hand and walking to the dance floor. We interlocked our fingers and I put my other arm around his back and he pulled me close to him, so close I could hear his heart beating. We danced in silence for a minute or two, his hand rubbing my back, and it almost felt like we were the only ones around. I lifted my head off of his chest and looked into his crystal blue eyes falling in love with him all over again.

"Did you have fun?" he asked still looking into my eyes. I simply nodded not wanting to take my eyes off of him. "What was your favorite part?"

"This," I replied reaching to wrap my arms around his neck. He leaned down to kiss me softly, "This is my favorite part."

"I was hoping you'd say that." The song was just about over but I didn't want this moment to end. It's amazing to me how you could be with someone for so long, have a baby with them, spend everyday together and still get butterflies when they touch you. After almost two years I can still look in his eyes and they take my breath away, and feeling his lips on mine sends fireworks through my entire body. Of course all of this was multiplied by a thousand due to how drunk I was, but even sober I felt the same way. "I have a surprise for you."

"Uh oh...are you up to no good again?"

"You'll see," he said kissing me again as the song ended, "I love you baby."

"I love you too J." We walked off the dance floor hand in hand and continued with our drunken stooper until about 3am when the only people left in the hall were us, Trace, Amy, Luke and Jen. We all walked to the elevators together and just as the doors opened and we got in someone put a blindfold around my eyes. "Really you guys? As if being this drunk wasn't bad enough you have to blindfold me too?" No one said anything until the doors opened again, they all walked out saying goodbye and I felt people hug me and tell me they'd see me in the morning for breakfast. I was left alone with Justin and once we got to our floor he ushered me by my shoulders to what I could only assume was my surprise. I heard him fiddle with and swear at the key and then heard the door clock behind us.

"You ready?"

"I suppose," I replied then felt him untie the blindfold. It fell off my face and I kept my eyes closed not really knowing what to expect.

"Open them," he said now standing in front of me. I slowly opened my right eye and then once I saw what my surprise was I opened the left one quickly.

"Oh Justin...this is the room. I didn't even make the connection!" We were standing in the Presidents suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel, the same one we stood in on August 10, 2007 the first night we met. The first time I felt his touch, the first time he wrapped his arms around me in bed and I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat. Where the dining room table once stood was a bar table with two wooden stools. On one side was a tequila sunrise, and on the other was a jack and coke. "Sometimes I wonder if your the bigger sap in this relationship."

"Oh I don't think I could ever come close to that," he said reaching out his hand for me to take and he walked me over to my stool motioning for me to sit down. He sat down across from me and took a sip of his drink. "You got me thinking about how much has really changed since we met when you brought up Florida a few weeks ago," he started, "so...My name is Justin, I work in the entertainment industry and I've centered my entire life around it since I can remember up until a few years ago. I'm mostly a tequila kind of guy but sometimes I'll have the occasional beer or Jack and Coke if I'm nervous," he said pointing down at his drink, "I am by every definition a perfectionist and only want everyone in my life to be happy. I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I love with all of my heart, and we've recently welcomed a son named Brayden who is our world. I grew up in Tennessee, moved to Orlando and then settled down in LA. I've been living in Boston for about two years now but in a couple of weeks my family and me will be moving back to LA. I live a pretty crazy life, and sometimes it totally stresses me out, but at the end of the day I wouldn't have it any other way. What's your name?"

"Well," I said taking a sip of my own drink before continuing, "My name is Marissa, I'm a tequila girl myself with the occasional chick drink mixed in here and there. I've lived in Boston my entire life and I've hated ALMOST every minute of it. My life is all kinds of fucked up, but I'm happy and in love with my boyfriend and son so that's all that really matters in the end."

"Wanna come back to my place tonight?"

"I don't put out on the first date Justin."

"Good because neither do I."

Hangovers should be murdered. Or maybe I shouldn't have thrown back those last five shots of tequila last night. Luckily we're kid less for the time being because judging by the fact that Marissa is curled up in a ball underneath the sheets to block the small light coming in the room from behind the shades, and groaning because she knows I'm awake, she's feeling about the same way I do right now. I opened my eyes quickly and I was still seeing double, it felt like my body was lying down but my head was off at a concert or something down the street. After catching a glance at the clock I closed them again and joined Marissa under the covers, it was 6am and we were still on baby time.

"I'm not getting up," a muffled voice said from inside a pillow.

"Neither am I, it's only 6," I replied wrapping my arm around her.

"I can't fall back to sleep but if I open my eyes I might die."

"Don't do it!" I said quickly, "Whatever you do, don't open your eyes." I heard her let out a laugh and she turned around putting her head on my pillow.

"You made me break my rules last night Timberlake."

"Who me? What did I do?"

"I made it clear that I don't sleep with someone on the first date. But you went and got me drunk and took advantage of me."

"I did not take advantage of you, you were ready and totally willing for everything that happened last night. In fact, if I remember correctly, I do believe you took advantage of me."

"Damn...I was hoping you were too drunk to remember," she said laughing and rubbing her nose against mine. "Why are we even up right now? This is the one day we can sleep in."

"Because we're on Brayden time. And even though we've only been sleeping for a little over an hour we're just use to being up by now."

"What time is breakfast?"

"8:15 I think. Maybe we could skip it and just lay around until we have to check out."

"You know that Trace and Amy would kill us."

"I know...I probably shouldn't have had those last few shots last night."

"Mmmm...I don't know if packing is in store for me today. Can you believe we leave in two weeks?"

"I feel like since Bray was born everything has flown by. Are you ready to go though?"

"Beyond ready. I've been ready for close to 23 years."

"Good," I said kissing her blindly. After a few minutes of silence she took a deep breath and threw the covers off of us. I had forgotten that we were even completely under them until I could feel the light coming into the room.

"I have to tell you something," she said sitting up. I opened my eyes and saw her back against the pillows, her thumbs twirling, and the sheets pulled over her bare chest, "I probably should have told you this before..."

"Uh oh," I sat up next to her trying to get my eyes adjusted to the light enough to actually open them fully, "Is it something bad?"

"No...Well I don't know how you're going to feel about this."

"Okay tell me quick, rip it off like a band aid," I said preparing myself for the worst.

"I don't want to get a job when we move..."

"That's it? Jesus I thought you were going to break up with me or something. You know that's not a problem Ris, I said from the beginning that you don't have to work," I said letting out the breath that I didn't realize I was holding in.

"Well that's not all...I just...I don't want Brayden to be raised by a nanny and I know you're going to be going back to work and you won't be around as much so I want to stay home with him as much as possible. And..." she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, and if I know her well enough she was trying to convince herself that what she was about to say is true, "And I want to write."

"You do? Baby that's great! You know how I feel about that, I think that you're an amazing songwriter and I just know you'll be really successful. Why did you think I'd be mad about that?"

"I don't know. I guess just listening to you talk about the industry and how you wouldn't want anyone to go through what you've had to go through. And I didn't know how you'd feel about both of us being in the industry, and the effects of that on Bray."

"The music industry is brutal, I'm not going to lie to you, but I know you and you are the strongest person I've ever met in my life and you would never let people walk all over you. You're passionate about everything you do and I know that you'll stand up for yourself and for your work. And the most important thing that I know about you is that you love me almost as much as you love your son and you would never let anything come between that. So as long as you're doing what you love to do and what makes you happy and you can stand up for what you believe in, I think you'll do great babe. I support you 150% and I'll tell you what my mother told me, have fun...the minute you're not having fun anymore is the day that you move on to something else."

"So after every bad thing that's happened to you in this industry you're still having fun?"

"It sounds crazy, but yes. You'll understand it the second you hear your song on the radio, or see it performed live. It's like a rush that can't really be described."

"But you're okay with me doing this? What about Brayden?"

"What about Brayden? You're his mother; he'll love you no matter what."

"You think he'll be okay? They won't be harder on him or treat him differently?"

"I think he'll be perfectly fine. And he'll be so proud of his Mama. I'm so happy you chose to do this Ris, you really are talented. I know that it might be hard to let the whole world hear your emotions and your hurt and pain sometimes, but believe me it's worth it when you hear how much it's helped people or effected them."

"I'm excited about LA...I'm excited about starting over."

"Me too...I'm not really sure how we had this conversation being so hung over.

"Me either, but I'm glad we did. How much time till breakfast?"

"An hour," I said looking at the clock.

"Just enough time to take advantage of you again..."

*** 

Whoever told us to move after we had the baby should be shot. Packing up, getting organized and arranging travel/accommodations while taking care of a baby and trying to at least talk to each other once a day was like the ultimate challenge that's ever been placed upon me. I could have hired someone to do this for us, I SHOULD have hired someone to do this for us, but how lazy would that make me? We've had Trace and Amy helping us after they came back from their honeymoon, and the last two days my mother has been here watching Brayden for most of the day, but I still don't think we'll be ready to hit the road by tomorrow morning. It's crazy how much stuff has accumulated here, and we're not even taking half of it with us.

One minute Marissa is thrilled and the next minute she's flipping out because she's leaving the only place she's ever known. She officially stopped working after only a month back last week, and it was really hard for her to say goodbye to the people she's worked with for years. They threw her a going away party and for the first time she actually said yes to doing an interview on air for the station. She asked me if I thought it was a good idea and I said yes, it would be good practice because she'll be doing a lot of those once her song writing career takes off. We held a little listening party and for the first time I understood what my parents felt like the first time they heard me do an interview on the radio. I was proud of her, she was sticking to her guns and not talking about certain things even though they poked and prodded, and her interview gave the station some really good ratings.

Today was the craziest day of all and half the time I felt like I was running in circles. The moving trucks were coming to pick up the stuff and we were running around the house labeling everything with post-its. Blue if it was going and red if it was staying. Brayden has been screaming all day and nothing we do will get him to stop, and Amy has already had several crying fits in the middle of all of this. I was in the bedroom attempting to pack the rest of my clothes that I was taking with me, and Marissa was in Brayden's room trying to get him to calm down enough to take a nap when the doorbell rang. It had to be the movers, I looked at my watch, they were three hours early.

"Justin! Can you get the door, I'm kind of tied up here," I heard Marissa yell aggravated.

"I'm coming, give me a second!" I started throwing piles of clothes around trying to find a pair of shorts so that I wasn't opening the door in a pair of boxers. Obviously I couldn't find one pair of shorts or pants for that matter, and a few minutes later the doorbell rang again.

"JUSTIN! Seriously, he's just starting to calm down, get the damn door!"

"I'm fucking coming! I'm trying to find pants Jesus!" Both of us wanted to kill each other, and we've been at each others throats all day. The stress of doing this alone is one thing, but doing it together with a baby on top of that made things spiral out of control fairly quickly. I finally found a pair of shorts, and I threw them on as I was running down the stairs. I saw Trace sitting on the couch playing a video game, typical, "Thanks for getting the door asshole, you look really busy over there," he gave me the finger and continued playing his game. I picked one of Brayden's toys up off the floor on my way to the door and flung it open expecting to see a few movers standing behind it, but I was met with the last person on earth I'd ever want to see. "Oh Jesus fucking Christ," I said throwing my hands up in defeat, "What have I fucking done to deserve this day? You have some fucking balls to be showing up at our door like this."

"I heard you were moving..."

"Word must travel fast in the slammer...do they let you watch E! News or something?" I asked trying to stay calm so that Marissa wouldn't come out here. I walked outside leaving the door cracked just a little bit knowing that I couldn't handle this in the house. "What the fuck are you doing here? I thought we already got rid of you."

"He knows that you're moving, and he knows where you're moving to. You saw what he could do...he's not going to stop."

"Look I don't need some piece of scum to tell me how to protect my family okay...it's under control."

"Just like it was under control before right? Don't you get he's trying to kill her? Then his next stop is you."

"You do realize that I could call the police right now and your ass would be back in jail because you're violating a restraining order right?"

"I do know that, but it's a risk I'm willing to take because I don't want to see her dead!"

"I said it's under control; now get off my property before I..."

"I want to tell her myself," he interrupted me. This crazy mother fucker is out of his damn mind.

"You are a sick fuck if you think I'm going to let you anywhere near her." I heard Brayden start crying, and it was getting closer as the seconds past. Brandon looked up at me with shock in his eyes. Apparently he had no idea that we had had a baby. I guess some news gets by you when you're locked up. I closed my eyes and prayed that she would just walk by the door and not bother to see who I was out here with. I heard his cries reach the door and then pass it. I let out the breath I was holding in and looked at him, letting him know with my eyes that if he does anything to draw attention I'd murder him.

"Where's Justin?" I faintly heard her say over the screams of my son.

"I don't know, I'm not his keeper. He's probably still outside." Fuck you Trace...Fuck you.

"You're really doing a great job helping Trace, thanks..." I heard her coming closer to the door and I slipped inside closing it behind me, hoping and praying as hard as I could that when I opened the door again he'd be gone. "Oh hey there you are," she said, "who was at the door?"

"Uhh, just...the movers," I replied cracking my knuckles. She looked down at my hands knowing that I only do that when I'm nervous or lying.

"Okay, well I'll tell them all the stuff in the baby's room is ready..."

"NO," I said backing up into the door and putting my hand on the knob, "they already know. They're early they were just making sure they had the right house."

"Well if we have stuff ready why don't they just take it now," she said reaching around me and grabbing the door knob.

"Because..."

"Move Justin I'm calling them back..."

"No, go finish packing."

"Don't tell me what to do I'm a grown woman."

"Marissa go finish packing," I said louder and Brayden started crying again.

"Great, now look what you did. MOVE!"

"Maris..."

"MOVE JUSTIN!" she yelled catching me off guard and pushing me away. I watched her hand twist the door knob in slow motion, and my first instinct was the push her away. Sure it would hurt her, but it would hurt her much less then what's behind that door. Brayden's crying made me stop though and there was nothing left that I could do. It was a volcano waiting to erupt and once she saw his face that was exactly what was going to happen. I watched her jaw fall to the floor and her face turn beat red. She wrapped both of her arms around Brayden moving him off of her hip and onto her shoulder, clearly he didn't leave. I took a step forward to see him still standing there, I looked at Marissa and in her eyes there was not anger or fear. There was just hurt. I hurt her again. I lied to her, and tried to hide something from her, and hurt her even though I promised I never would.

"Baby I..."

"He better be a mover Justin. Tell me that he's the mover," she said not taking her eyes off of him.

"Ris..."

"TELL ME HE'S THE FUCKING MOVER!" She was screaming, her eyes glaring into mine. I could see a film of tears forming and she let them fall when Brayden's cries got louder. I took a step forward, and she took a step back. It hurt, but I deserved it. I reached for the baby knowing that she was in no state to be holding him but she pulled him away from me. "So what? Are you two like best friends now?"

"I can explain..."

"How could you do this to me?"

"He just showed up Marissa, I'm not doing anything to you."

"You expect me to believe that? You just lied to me about the movers and now you want me to just believe that he just suddenly showed up at our doorstep the day before we move? I can't believe you."

"I swear to God he just showed up and I was trying to kick him out, tell her," I said looking at him.

"And you think I'm going to believe him?" she asked, "You really think he's going to help your case? If he just showed up why didn't you call the cops? Last time I checked we had a restraining order against him, or did you get that lifted so you two could bond?"

"Baby please just look at me," I said reaching out to her and she slapped my hands away, "I swear to you...he came here to warn us but I wouldn't let him talk to you."

"We have a child Justin..."

"I know we have a child which is why I didn't tell you or let him near you. I'm trying to handle this and you're not letting me." She just looked at me and shook her head while rubbing Brayden's back. With my eyes I was pleading with her to see it from my side but she wasn't having it.

"Look he's right," Brandon said interrupting our silence, "he was trying to kick me out and I wouldn't leave until I talked to you. I know you're going to call the cops and that's fine just let me tell you what I came here to say first." She looked over at him and then back at me and I could tell I had a look of defeat in my eyes. Giving in, she picked Brayden up off of her shoulder and kissed his cheek handing him over to me. He was still whimpering a little so I wiped the toy I had just picked up on my shirt and gave it to him. "I didn't know you had a baby," he said softly.

"Sorry I didn't keep in touch while you were in jail."

"He's really cute..."

"I don't see how this small talk is relevant."

"I know, sorry...I just came here to tell you that Victor..."

"Spit it out, because it's taking everything in me to not attack you right now."

"He's going to hire someone else to try and get you. I just don't want to see you get hurt. I told him before and you still got hurt, I can't see that happen again."

"Seems kind of contradictory that you of all people don't want to see me hurt. And I'm happy to know that you two have been talking behind my back. Thanks for the info though, is there any other way you'd like to ruin my day more?" My heart sank. I knew I was in the doghouse and it was going to take a lot to get out of it. I was just trying to protect her but in her eyes I was lying to her and that was not good for me. I admit that I was wrong for keeping things from her, but at the time I didn't know what else to do. She was fragile, she still is fragile in some ways and I don't want to see her hurt. But I guess me trying to protect her from other people that could hurt her has just turned into hurting her myself.

"I'm sorry Marissa...I'm sorry I did this to you," he said to her and I could see tears forming in his eyes.

"It's a little too late for sorry's Brandon. If you have nothing else to say I'd appreciate you getting off of my property."

He nodded and turned around to walk away. He got halfway down the driveway before looking back at her still standing in the doorway, "Good luck with your family, you deserve happiness." She didn't say anything, just slammed the door and walked upstairs passing me without even looking at me. I closed my eyes, for once not knowing how to fix this and I heard her slam the bedroom door shut. Looking to my left I saw Trace still playing video games like none of that even just happened, and moments later my mother came running down the stairs.

"Justin...what's going on is everything okay?"

"I honestly don't know Mama," I said handing the baby who was now finally sleeping off to her. I walked into the living room and turned the TV off much to Trace's disdain. "Get out..."

"What the fuck did I do dude?"

"Nothing, that's the problem. Get out."

"Don't take this shit out on me."

"Get the fuck out of my house...NOW!"

"You have some major anger issues dude," he said getting up and slamming the front door on his way out. Apparently we're going with a theme today. I walked back towards the stairs and saw my mother's mouth open like she was going to say something, but I stopped her before she could,

"Don't say a word or I'll kick you out too..."

"Justin Randall!"

"DON'T!" I was angry, angrier then I had been in a really long time, but what was I angry about? Sure I was mad that the asshole showed up at my house, but I think I was even more angry with myself for the way I handled it. She closed her mouth and walked away I can only assume into the living room where she knew it would be quite enough to keep Brayden asleep since his room is right next to ours.

I walked up the stairs in what seemed like slow motion and put my hand on the knob of our bedroom door while placing my forehead against it, scared to push it open. I wasn't really sure what to expect when I opened it. I listened for sobs, or sniffles, or any indication that she was crying and heard nothing, so I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. She was standing over our bed folding the clothes that I threw around earlier trying to find shorts and putting them in my suitcase. Music was playing softly in the background and she didn't even turn around to look at me. I probably should have prepared what I was going to say before walking in because at that point I was speechless. I sat down on the bed next to the pile of my clothes and expected her to yell at me, do something other then ignore me. "Can we talk about this?" I asked.

"There's nothing to talk about Justin."

"I think that there's a whole lot to talk about..."

"So let's agree to disagree."

"We can't just go on like nothing just happened."

"I'm not asking to."

"So talk to me..."

"Why? So you can lie to me some more? So that you can play me for a fool again? What do you want me to say? What is there to talk about?"

"I was just trying to protect you...us...I thought I was doing the right thing," I said reaching out for her hand but she pulled it away.

"I told you Justin...I told you from day fucking one that I didn't need your help...that I don't need you to protect me. And this is a perfect example why. It's not just me anymore Justin...its Brayden now too. It's not your job to protect me, I can protect myself. I don't need your help. And on top of that if you were trying to protect me you should have called the cops not went outside to have a chat with the guy who let his friend rape your fucking girlfriend and mother of your child. Oh but wait a minute, I forgot that you two were buddies, apparently you've talked about this before. Tell me Justin if you want to talk so bad, when did you guys talk before? Was it before or after I almost died from being attacked but his friend?"

"This is what you don't understand Marissa," I started now getting mad, "It's not about you needing me to protect you, or needing me to help you, I don't care if you need me or not I'm going to do it because I love you. And when you love someone that's what you're supposed to do..."

"NO..."

"Shut up and let me talk! I let you talk and now it's my turn," she glared at me then went back to silently folding the clothes, "I'm sorry okay, I was wrong for not calling the cops when I saw him standing there, I admit that I was wrong for that. But you can't get mad at me for not telling you that he was here. You were with our son who can't protect himself, who shouldn't be subjected to the emotions that go along with him, and last time I checked he DOES need to be protected and he DOES need to be helped. But that's not the only reason why I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you because you are happy, and there's no reason for you to not be happy and I knew the minute you saw him...the minute you even heard his name this would happen, and I don't want you to be sad or upset or angry and I know that you don't want that either. So if I dealt with him on my own then you could still be happy, instead of pissed and closed off." I watched her continue to fold clothes and tap her foot. Her bottom lip was in her mouth and I could tell by the short breaths she was taking she was trying to hold herself back from crying. I was wrong for some of the stuff that I did, but I wasn't to blame for this entire situation.

"Are you done talking now? Can I speak or will I get yelled at again?" she asked in almost a whisper.

"I'm sorry I yelled...I didn't mean to yell baby."

"You left me...pregnant for 3 months...because I kept something from you. You spoke to him before this Justin and you kept it from me like I wouldn't find out eventually. So now...what am I suppose to do?" she threw her hands up hitting her legs hard as they came down. She then sat on the bed and I saw only one tear fall down her cheek. "Tell me when you talked to him; I want to hear everything that he said. And then tell me how...how is it that you protected me after he warned you? How was I protected when I was hospitalized for a month with broken bones and bleeding in my god damn brain? Were you protecting me then too?"

"Do you think I haven't been beating myself up about that for over a year now?"

"I really don't give a shit Justin, answer the question, when did you talk to him?"

"That day at the police station," I said looking down at the floor feeling my heart start to shred into a million little pieces.

"Tell me what he said..."

"He said that I needed to watch out for you because Victor has people and now that he got caught and is in jail he's going to try and come after you."

"That's it? That's all he said? The Brandon I knew was a man of many words, and that doesn't sound like enough to me."

"No...He also told me that he loved you and that there was a lot more to that day that you didn't know about. He told me that he owed Victor money and he didn't have it so he threatened to kill him unless Brandon let him have you, and he agreed to it because he didn't want to die. He also told me that he was high as a kite that day because he couldn't stand to see him do that to you, and he was screaming for him to stop the whole time, and that the only reason why he kicked the shit out of you was so that you would hate him and you wouldn't have to be subjected to his fucked up life ever again."

"And what...what did you say to that?" her voice was now shaking.

"I don't remember exactly. I know that I told him that he didn't love you because if you love someone you'd take a bullet for them, and that I would take a bullet for you. And I think I said something along the lines of I don't need you to tell me how to protect my family..."

"And you didn't tell me this why? Were you afraid I'd go back to him or something?"

"Because I was trying to protect you Maris...That day was out of control, I watched you in questioning and it took everything out of you. You had just lost your cousin and I didn't know how much more you could take. We were only together for 2 or 3 weeks and I was stressing out. You didn't need that added stress on top of everything else...I thought I was doing the right thing at the time."

"So you knew...before I was attacked, you knew that he was going to send someone to hunt me down. And instead of sharing that information with me so that I could keep my eyes open too, you kept it to yourself. You kept it to yourself and then the minute you found out I had kept something from you, you ran like a child back to his mother and left me there to fend for myself not knowing that I should be expecting something. How exactly were you protecting me then? Because I hadn't realized protection comes with a month long hospital stay and multiple surgeries. And please explain to me why...why is it okay for you to keep something like this from me, something that involves me...something that is happening in the present. Why is it okay for you to keep that from me, but it was so wrong to keep something from you, something from my past that had nothing to do with you. How was it so wrong that you could leave me for three months when you were hiding something yourself. You left me pregnant with your child...I was getting letters in the mail from your fucking lawyer questioning if he was yours. You love me, you want to protect and help me...yet you left me alone and unprotected. It just doesn't make sense to me."

I was now sobbing, look at me now MTV...I knew she was going to leave me and she was going to take my son with her, and in a way I knew I deserved it. I was selfish, and I thought because of who I am I had everything under control but I didn't, and I still don't. I let someone attack her; I was the one that left her completely unprotected. I walked away from her without even letting her explain, and here she is now giving me chance after chance to explain myself to her and I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. "I was wrong Marissa...I was wrong and I take full responsibility for everything. I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say to make it better because I know nothing will. I was selfish and I was cocky, and I was scared, and I let you get hurt. I don't know what else to say except that I do love you...I love you with every last piece of my being and I don't think that I can live without you. I understand if you won't forgive me, in fact I don't even deserve your forgiveness...I'm sorry." My head was in my hands and the tears continued to pour out. What was going to happen now? We were supposed to be moving in less than 24 hours. An hour ago our biggest problem was what color sticky note to put on the couch and now I don't even know if I still have a girlfriend or if I'm going to be able to see my son on a daily basis. I am such a fucking idiot. I knew that day that I should have told her and I felt bad about not doing it immediately, but I never in a million years expected it to blow up like this. I'm a fucking jackass.

"If you were me right now...if our roles were switched and you were in my position, what would you do? Would you leave me again?"

I took a minute to think about what she was asking. She basically wanted me to make the decision of whether or not to leave me for her. I didn't want her to leave me, but at the same time I don't deserve her, and she doesn't deserve what I did to her. "I promised you that I would never leave you again and I meant what I said. I'm a different person now then I was when I left you the first time, and you know how much I regret doing that. However, if I were in your position right now I would leave me...I wouldn't leave you because unless you cheated on me I would never leave you, but after everything I put you through...I would leave me. I don't want you to go Marissa, I don't want to lose you...I don't want to lose Brayden either. I love you but you deserve better then what I've put you through. I'm just...I'm so sorry." I couldn't look at her because I didn't want to see her face if she walked out on me. I couldn't bare to see the hurt and pain I've caused her, I wanted to remember her smiling and happy. I reached over to the nightstand to get a tissue to wipe my eyes that were still filled with tears just waiting to feel the bed move when she got up, and to hear the door slam behind her, but that never happened. I felt her stand up and the next thing I heard were clothes being placed into a suitcase. I looked up at her and saw her brush a tear away and take a deep breath. She didn't look at me when she spoke five minutes later she just continued to fold and pack.

"I love you Justin...I'm in love with you and there is no other person in this world that I am meant to be with. I accept your apology, and I'm not going to leave you, partially due to the fact that we are the family that I've always wanted. I want Brayden to be raised by his mother and father together and I can't imagine dropping him off at your house on the weekends and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you only got to see him every other Christmas. I'm also not leaving you because I'm happy with you, I feel right when I'm with you. You fucked up, you've recognized it and you've apologized for it and hopefully it won't happen again. I do need you to help protect me, you're right, so we need to hire more bodyguards for me and Bray. I'm still mad, and I still feel like I want to cry but I'm not going to," she turned to me and ran her hand down my scruffy cheek. "I love you with all my heart and I'm never going to leave you. So let's finish packing okay?"

I can't say I was expecting her to say that, in fact I was quite shocked that she did. I thought for sure she was going to kick me out and we were over but I guess she has a bigger heart then I do. She's more understanding, more nurturing, more everything. "Okay..." I said standing up, "Can I give you a kiss?" 

"Not...yet..." she said still folding, "Just give me like an hour to take all of this in."

"I understand...I love you Ris, and I really am sorry."

"I know Justin, and it's okay...everything is going to be okay." 

My relationship is...strained? Don't get me wrong, I love Justin with all of my heart and soul and can't imagine being with anyone else, and I cringe at the thought of him being with someone other then me, but it's taking a whole lot longer to get over recent events then I thought it would. Truthfully I think the only thing that's holding us together right now is Brayden and that makes me really scared. When we do talk the conversation is about Brayden, and when we're together he's present as well. More often then not Justin sleeps in the guest room, not because I make him but I think he's just more comfortable there because of the tension between us. He's been doing really nice things for me, like attempting to cook breakfast or dinner, and watching Brayden for the day so that I can go get my hair done or get a massage. It's not going unnoticed, but every now and then I'll think back to that day 2 weeks ago when I found out he'd kept something beyond important from me and question if I can fully trust him.

We've been in LA for two weeks now and even though it is a nice and very welcomed change of scenery I can't say that I'm having the experience I thought I would be, and this is all due to the whole Justin thing. I woke up this morning with Justin's arm wrapped around me and I could feel his breathing on my neck for the first time since we got here. It was my birthday, where has the last twenty-three years gone? I threw the covers off of me and got up to check on Brayden who was still sleeping soundly, so I made my way down to the basement where the construction of Justin's studio had just finished yesterday.

It was my first birthday away from my friends, and even though we were going out tonight with our new friends in LA, it was for Christina's album release party and not really for my birthday. Add that to the list of things I was stressing out about. 9 out of the 13 songs on her album were mine so this was kind of like do or die for me. If the record is a hit then my career could take off, but if it fails I doubt I'll be getting any calls anytime soon. I was up on and off all night just thinking about it. I finally convinced myself I was good enough to do this, and I really didn't want to go back on that now. I ran my fingers over all the untouched buttons on the soundboard, turning the knobs and pushing others up and down. 21 years of living practically on my own, pay check to pay check, sometimes hoping I'll have enough money to eat that week, and on my 23rd birthday I'm living in a home with a recording studio. I walked through the soundproof door into the booth with the piano in it and sat down running my fingers over the keys. I was scared...for the first time in almost two years, I wasn't sure if Justin and I were actually going to make it.

I put the blank notebook that I was holding on my lap and put the pencil on top of the piano. I started playing a melody that I wrote back in Boston and as if it took no thought the words started flowing out.

I thought it was too good to be true
I found somebody who understands me
Someone who would help me to get through
And fill an emptiness I had inside me
But you kept inside and I just denied
Some things that we should have both said
I knew it was too good to be true
Cause I'm the only one who understands me

What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us
And deep inside I wonder, did I lose my only?

Remember they thought we were too young
To really know what it takes to make it
But we had survived off what we have done
So we could show them all that they're mistaken
But who could have known the lies that would grow
Until we could see right through them
Remember they knew we were too young
We still don't know what it takes to make it

What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us
And deep inside I wonder, did I lose my only?

We could have made it work, we could have found a way,
We should have done our best to see another day
But we kept it all inside until it was too late
And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay
For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away...

What happened to us
We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely
What happened to us
And deep inside I wonder, did I lose my only?

I've never been in this place before. I've never not known if something was going to work or not. What if I'm losing him? What if I'm losing us? What about Brayden? What if I'm losing myself? Trust is so important in every relationship. If you don't trust someone how can you give yourself fully to them, how can you love someone without trust? I've never been so confused in my life. I let myself cry for the first time since the day before we left Boston. I've wanted to cry everyday since then but I absolutely would not allow myself to let one single tear fall. How did this happen? How did everything go from perfect one day and then in a matter of minutes turn upside down? I looked up after feeling arms wrap around me from behind, arms that use to feel so familiar but now seem so foreign. I don't know how long he's been in here, and I can't see his face to know how he's feeling. I removed my hands from the keys and put them on top of his knowing that I had to figure this out, I had to fix it. Not only for my sake, but also for his and Brayden's. I spun around on the bench, his arms still wrapped around me and looked at his tear stained face, and it was then that I knew he heard the song. I went to open my mouth to say something, but he shook his head pulling me closer to him so that our foreheads were touching.

"I miss you," he said through tears, "I miss our family. You said you wouldn't leave me but you did. You're physically here, but mentally you're gone, and I want you back. I'll do anything, please. I just need you back Marissa."

"I'm sorry," I replied wrapping my arms around his neck and taking in his scent, "I'm so confused...I'm scared Justin. I'm scared that everything is crashing down on me and I don't know how to fix it."

"Let me help you fix it. Let's fix it together. I just want us to be normal again. I want to see you smile, and I want to hold you and kiss you without thinking you might back away. Please let me prove to you that you can trust me again...please don't leave me..."

I nodded my head, knowing that this is not only what I needed to do, but it was what I wanted to do. Deep down I knew that I trusted Justin, and this was the one mistake that he has made this whole relationship. He was my soul mate and I was being stupid for not realizing this sooner. "I love you J, and I want to fix us," I said backing away and putting his face in my hands wiping tears away with my thumbs and looking into the eyes that I fell in love with so long ago. "I'll never stop loving you." He pulled me up and wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I put my head on his chest and rubbed his bare back. It would take a little bit of time, but we'll be back to normal at some point. Everyone fights, but this is the biggest fight we've had since the whole baby thing, but if we could get through that then we can get through this.

"Happy birthday," he whispered after a while, "today's a big day."

"Thanks...I'm scared to look to see how album sales are so far."

"I don't want you to worry about that right now...it's your birthday so lets celebrate that first."

"Let's go get Brayden," I said holding my hand out for him to take. His fingers laced with mine and I felt better. I was still confused and a little scared but we were now in this together instead of on opposite teams. He opened the basement door and we walked into the living room that was now completely filled with red and black balloons, and on top of the table were three presents that clearly were wrapped professionally and not by Justin. I put my hand over my chest taking it all in, apparently I was downstairs a whole lot longer then I thought I was.

"Go open them," he said pulling my arm closer to the couch. I picked up the envelope sitting on top of the boxes and ripped it open pulling out a piece of lined paper with Justin's writing on it.

Happy Birthday to the love of my life,

This is your first birthday that we've spent together, and the first birthday that you've spent apart from everyone else. I hope that I can make this day just as special as it would be if you were at home because you deserve the best.

You are my best friend and I love each and every piece of you from your heart, to you gorgeous hazel eyes, to your sexy legs, all the way down to each and every freckle on your body (and you have lots of freckles, so you know that's a lot of love). I couldn't have asked for a better mother for my child, and seeing you with him everyday makes me fall even more in love with the both of you.

You're a tricky person to buy for because I want to give you the world but I know you'd probably kill me if I did. So on the day of your 23rd birthday, I want you to know that the greatest gift I'm giving you today is my love, and I hope that you can accept that until your very last breath. I'm here for you always babygirl, I want to be your rock, and together I think we could possibly be the greatest team in the world.

I love you so much Ris...Happy Birthday!

Love always and forever,

Justin

He was sitting next to me now holding the first present out for me to take. I took the silver package in my hand and read the top of it.

When you talk, I cling on every word you say...

Carefully unwrapping the gift as to not rip the paper I pulled out 2 CD's. The one on top was in a clear case with no label. I looked at him in confusion. "You have to play it," he said, "but not yet, you'll understand later." Confused I put the CD on the coffee table, and then looked down at the other one in my hand. Christina was on the cover and the word "Stripped" was written across the bottom. She asked me a few months ago how I felt when I heard her sing that first song I ever gave her, and I answered with only one word...stripped. "This is your CD Marissa," he said after a moment, "it's her voice, but it's your CD." I ran my hand down the case before ripping the wrapping off and opening it to pull out the cover. I flipped to the first page and saw my name in parenthesis under the first song, "Music and Lyrics by (M.Mitchell)" A sudden sense of calm came over me as I read through the book and saw my name nine times. This was actually happening. "Okay okay open the next one," Justin said frantically after a few minutes.

I snapped out of my daze,

"Sorry, this is just so surreal...thank you," I replied taking the next gift out of his hand. It was a smaller box, and my mind immediately went to engagement ring and inside I started panicking. Sure we just decided to work things out but I still wasn't 100% back on the Justin bandwagon yet and if he proposed I don't know what I'd say. I looked down and written in the same color and lettering as the other box was,

When you move, just  like the breeze on a summer day...

Unlike the last gift I was hesitant to open this one. In my head I was sure this was an engagement ring and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle it. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with Justin? Of course, but I don't know if now was the time to make this announcement. Slowly I carefully unwrapped the box and pulled out a ring box with the words "Neil Lane" written across it.

"Justin..." I said not meaning for it to actually be said out loud.

"Just open it," he said softly rubbing my back.

"I can't...Justin now just isn't..."

"Marissa, just open the box please."

I closed my eyes and brushed my hand over the top before grasping the velvet top in my hand and pulling it up against my better judgment. With my eyes still closed I felt what was inside, and confirmed that it was without a doubt a ring, with three large stones, the one in the middle bigger then the two on each side. This was the moment we had talked about on and off for the past two years. Both of us going back and forth with the wants and need to be married, and just recently we both decided that we should do it now that we had Brayden. This was the moment every girl dreamed of, one that would only happen once in my life, and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't want it to happen right now, but I couldn't stop it. "J I know we talked about this," I started looking at him making sure my eyes didn't hit the ring in my hands, "But I just don't know if now is the right..."

"Stop," he said taking my face in his hands, "just look at it."

I closed my eyes again turning back to the ring, and after a few seconds opened my eyes and instantly placed my hand over my mouth. I was looking at the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen in my life and much to my surprise it absolutely was not an engagement ring, but a Mother's ring that I had mentioned wanting in passing a few months ago. The center stone was a large Amethyst heart, and on each side was a smaller round stone, Garnet on the right, and Alexandrite on the left. The middle stone symbolizing Brayden, and the smaller ones Justin and I. "This is amazing..." I said taking it out of the box and putting it on my right ring finger.

"I can assure you that I'll be down on one knee when I propose," Justin said laughing.

"It's not that I don't want to marry you J I just..."

"No explanation needed. I totally understand."

"Thank you...you've made it quite clear that you do actually listen to me because I even forgot I said I wanted one of these."

"Of course I listen to you...okay last one," he said handing me the largest box of them all. He placed it in my lap, and it was really heavy, and I was almost nervous to open it. On the top, just like the other two was another short phrase.

When you smile, the sky turns from grey to blue...That's what you do...

I slid my pointer finger underneath the paper to rip the tape off cleanly, and unveiled a plain white box. I pulled the sides up and took out what looked like a large photo album that weighed about 50 pounds. On the cover there was a picture of me sitting at the piano in Boston, with Brayden in his little bouncy seat next to it. There was a pencil in my mouth and a notebook open on my lap. One of my legs was crossed underneath me while the other was on the seat bouncing it up and down, and my hair was up in a messy bun, clearly I was writing. Under the picture in crystals "In My World" was written. I flipped the cover open to find an index with dates and song titles of all of my songs, and as I quickly flipped through the pages they were all in there, music and lyrics in black and white with no eraser marks or side notes. Almost like my own songbook.

"You had them in a million and one notebooks and you kept saying you wanted to get organized so, now your organized. And once you finish a few more notebooks we'll make you another one. You're going to know the minute you meet someone what song you want to give them, and this is going to make your life so much easier."

"Thank you Justin...thank you thank you thank you," I said leaning over and kissing him, "I love you."

"I love you too, but I kind of lied..." I gave him a death glare and he started laughing, "it's okay it's a good lie...you have one more present but Brayden has to give it to you."

"Justin, you've spent too much already this is ridiculous..."

"Come on," he said taking my hand and pulling me into the kitchen. The first thing I saw was his mother standing over the stove. She was visiting for two weeks mostly to be on hand to watch Bray if we needed her since these next couple of weeks were going to be a little crazy with the release of Christina's album and Justin going back into the studio. I then saw Brayden sitting in a brand new car seat smiling at me almost as if on cue when I looked at him. "I know how much you hated that fancy shmancy car seat, and Brayden didn't like it either so we both agreed to get him a new one for your birthday."

"Oh really? Did Brayden pick it out?"

"Of course he did! Lets go check it out, see if it's easier to put in the car then his other one." He walked over to the counter and picked up the car seat while grabbing for my hand with his free one. We walked out to the garage and it was empty. I looked at Justin and questioned where his car was. "I left it in the driveway, I was in a hurry this morning." He pushed the button to open the garage door and walked out in front of me while I made faces at Brayden who was laughing. "Alright Mama, check it out," he said holding the car seat up for me to take. I reached my arm out for the seat and out of the corner of my eye I saw a car that did not look like Justin's or his mothers. I looked up and saw a brand new silver Audi A5 with a huge red bow on top of it staring back at me. My jaw fell to the ground and I was filled with all different emotions. I was excited, I was happy, I was so angry with Justin for spending an obscene amount of money on my birthday.

"Justin Timberlake," were the only words I could form, "you are bringing this car back...this beautiful, perfect..." I was walking towards the car now and I ran my hand over the emblem on the grill of the car, "unbelievably amazing, car I've always dreamed of...you're bringing it back!"

"I absolutely am not bringing it back," he said with a chuckle walking over to me, "you love it and you know it."

"I do love it," I replied looking at him, "I love it Justin but we agreed to discuss big purchases, you know how I feel about you spending this kind of money on me."

"Okay then don't look at it as a gift...it's a necessity. You need a car, we're not in Boston anymore and public transportation isn't readily available."

"So I'll drive one of your cars, it's not like you don't have 6 of them."

"Hell no you won't! You are going to drive this car. It's yours and you love it."

"Why can't I drive one of yours?"

"Because...I've seen you drive."

"I'M A GOOD DRIVER!"

"You are a maniac, but I don't blame you it's just where you learned how to drive...Baby, this car is yours and I'm not bringing it back. So will you just forget about how much it cost me and be in love with it like I know you are please?"

"Justin it's just a birthday..."

"And I missed it last year because I was too busy being an asshole, so please? I promise you no more big purchases without talking to you first."

"She is absolutely perfect," I said turning my head to look at the car again glowing in the California sun, "I mean look at her all shiny and such..."

"See. You know you want to take these keys and go sit behind the wheel."

"You pinky promise no more big gifts?"

"Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye!"

"Thank you Justin...for everything. I honestly can't even believe this right now."

"You deserve all of it baby...Happy Birthday," he said kissing me on my forehead.

"Thanks...Let's go see how that car seat looks in my new car!"

"First why don't you play this in your new car stereo," he said handing me the unmarked CD that I totally forgot I had opened earlier. I took the CD and keys out of his hands and sat down on the black leather seats before turning the car on and popping the CD in the player. Seconds later Justin's voice filled the car.

When I was younger never went to far
Held my feelings and never even wanted to start
So when I met you, I didn't know
What you were gonna do with my heart

When you talk (I cling on every word you say)
When you walk (Just like a breeze on a summer day)
When you smile (the sky turns from grey to blue, that's what you do)

And your the kind of girl I think of
And your the kind of girl I dream about
My heart is telling me that I need you in my world (in my world)
Cause you my kind of lady (your my kind of girl)

When I'm not with you, where ever you are
Baby I'm counting the moments till I'm back in your arms
All I want is to have you here with me
Every night and every day, when you talk

(I cling on every word you say)
When you walk (Just like a breeze on a summer day)
When you smile (the sky turns from grey to blue, that's what you do)

 And your the kind of girl I think of
And your the kind of girl I dream about
My heart is telling me that I need you in my world (in my world)
Cause you my kind of lady (your my kind of girl)

Baby girl I need you here by my side
And if your there everything will be alright
Cause this is the time for us, baby be mine

And your the kind of girl I think of
And your the kind of girl I dream about
My heart is telling me that I need you in my world (in my world)
Cause you my kind of lady (your my kind of girl)

"You never fail to amaze me Timberlake..."

"I wrote that song two weeks after we met. Frankie had just died and I had learned so much about you that day. You were sleeping next to me and I wrote it on a piece of hotel paper and then sang it to my voicemail so that I wouldn't forget it. I've been waiting for the perfect time to play it for you."

"I love you," I said jumping out of the car and into his arms, "From this point forward everything that happened is behind me I promise. I love you and I trust you with my life. I'm sorry I've held a grudge..."

"You have no reason to apologize," he interrupted, "But I'm excited to be back to normal..."
***

I've never walked a red carpet with Justin before. Wait let me rephrase that...I've never walked a red carpet before period. Luckily for me this wasn't going to be this huge ordeal with ball gowns and millions of dollars worth of jewelry. I spoke to Christina the other day and she told me if I showed up in something other then jeans and a cute top she was going to ring my neck, so that was the outfit that I chose. Justin told me I had free reign of anything William Rast including the new fall collection that hasn't hit the stores yet so I picked out a cute pair of black skinny jeans and paired it with a top that Justin got me for Christmas last year that I haven't found the right place to wear it to yet. Last week I took my first big pay check and went to Rodeo Drive and had some sort of religious experience when I went into Jimmy Choo. I swear to you, I saw Jesus the moment the sales associate put the shoe on my foot. $2,500 later I walked out of the store with the most beautiful pair of shoes I've ever owned. They were also the most uncomfortable shoes I've ever put on my foot but who really cares about that? I looked at my outfit in the mirror one last time wishing that I could lose the last 10 or so pounds of baby weight that refuses to come off before I saw Justin appear behind me in the mirror.

"Ready birthday girl?"

Was I ready? No. I absolutely was not ready for this. I've dealt with paparazzi and I've done a few interviews with Justin, but it was never about my work. This time, Justin was there supporting me and not the other way around and I was literally shaking in my Jimmy Choo's! "We could just stay home..."

"But we won't...You look amazing and we are going so that we can all celebrate yours and Christina's accomplishments."

"This is beyond scary..."

"The red carpet will be over so fast you won't even know what hit you, and once we go in you won't be bothered for the rest of the night. You will be fine."

"Alright then let's get this show on the road." We said goodbye to Lynn and checked on a sleeping Brayden before we got into the car that was waiting for us.

The ride over to the House of Blues took forever and a day because much to my surprise LA traffic was way worse then Boston traffic, and it got even worse as we edged closer to the venue. We finally pulled up to the red carpet and my heart started beating out of my chest as I watched our driver walk over to Justin's door to open it. There were camera crews and reporters lining the entire carpet from the moment you stepped out of the car until the moment you walked in the door. The moment the door opened flashes started going off and people started screaming our names. Justin got out first and I took a deep breath before reaching for his hand and stepping out of the car. Flashes from the paparazzi were nothing compared to this, I was immediately blinded and I could hear my name being called from every direction. I held tightly onto Justin's hand, and followed his lead to the step and repeat. I never enjoyed taking pictures which is why I was usually the one behind the camera, so standing there with a plastered smile on my face looking in every which direction for five minutes was almost like torture for me. Then as if they knew how torturous it was people were screaming for Justin to step aside and to take solo pictures of me. Why they wanted pictures of just me was beyond my comprehension, and the minute Justin stepped aside my heart attack began. All I could hear was "Over here...Smile...MARISSA...Put your hand on your hip.... One shot over here please!" As if he knew I was about to pass out, Justin came back over after about a minute took my hand and led me over to the reporters.

"Are you okay?" he practically had to scream in my ear looking away from the cameras so that they wouldn't catch it on film.

"I feel like a caged animal and I think I'm going to die," my response though dead serious was met with laughter from Justin as we approached the first reporter. Looking in front of me I saw Ryan Secrest and was a little shell shocked for a second forgetting what I was actually doing. I still wasn't use to having celebrities in my face all the time and I could hear Justin laugh a little when he realized that I was still a little star struck even by Ryan Secrest. I expected to speak to him before the camera's actually started rolling but apparently that was another fact of this lifestyle that I was wrong about.

"We're live outside the House of Blue's for Christina Aguilera's Album Release Party, and with us we have Justin Timberlake and his girlfriend Marissa Mitchell who actually wrote the music and lyrics to 9 out of the 13 songs on the album. What's the atmosphere like for you guys here tonight?"

Insane. Crazy. Out of Control. I'm going to piss my pants...

"It's fun," Justin said after he realized I wasn't about to open my mouth, "I've heard the album, it's fantastic, and I'm always happy to come out and support a friend."

"Now you and Christina go way back, what's it like for you to see her be so successful now when you've known her since she was 10?"

"I've always known that she would be this successful. She's amazingly talented, and from the age of 10 she always took control and stood up for what she believed in. This album really showcases what she can do and I think a lot of people are going to realize that she's not just some pop star after they hear this album."

"And what is this like for you Marissa?"

 Oh shit he's talking to me..."This is...well to be honest with you this is a little intense for me. I've never been a part of something so big before in my life so for a first timer this is utter chaos!"

"Do you think Christina did your songs justice?"

"Oh 150%. It took hearing her sing one of my songs to actually convince me to give this whole songwriting thing a go. She is beyond talented, one of the best of not the best of our time."

"Have you worked with any other artist since?"

"I've sat down with a few other people, and we're hopeful that things will surface with that. I'm not going to be someone that just gives my songs out to just anyone, I want to get to know you and give you a song that will be great for not only me but especially for you. These songs mean a lot to me so I'm protecting them with my life."

"Do you think Justin will get to record some of your music?"

"Wellllllll..." I said jokingly looking at Justin, "We could sit down and have a chat if he'd like..."

"In reality she doesn't think I deserve her songs Ryan, but I've accepted it."

"You are awful," I said hitting him playfully.

"What are you wearing tonight Marissa?"

"Only the best...William Rast. And I got me some Jimmy Choo shoes..."

"One last question before you go...how's your son? What's it like being parents?"

"He's amazing," I said without hesitation, this was getting easier as we went along, "best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I can honestly say being a father is the biggest challenge that's ever been put in front of me, but absolutely the most rewarding as well. I love being that kids dad."

"Well thanks you guys and have fun in there...oh and Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks!" I replied turning back around before we walked 3 inches over to the next reporter. For what seemed like the rest of the night we were talking to different reporters answering the same questions over and over again. We got about half way down the line and I looked at Justin pleading to just go inside. He turned around and talked to his publicist and we walked past the last half of people. We were about to go in the door when someone from behind us screamed "CURLY," and Justin immediately flung around and ran over to his friend and former band member Joey who was reporting for the TV Guide Channel. I ran behind him, and he introduced me to Joey, as I've never actually officially met him only talked to him on the phone.

"Can I get an interview with you guys? I'll be quick..."

"Anything for you Joe," Justin said.

Before I knew it the cameras were rolling again and there was another spotlight on us. "I'm here with Marissa Mitchell who was a critical part of the success of Christina's album, and her boyfriend...some no name, what's your name sir?"

"Jose Rivera," Justin replied in a Spanish accent with a dead serious face into the microphone.

"Nice to meet you Jose...now Marissa tell me what its like living with a no name off the street."

"It's difficult most times Joey since half the time he doesn't even understand what I'm saying, but the poor guy needs a home you know?"

"I understand, I've always known you to be the charitable kind...now more importantly tell me what it was like for you the first time you heard Christina sing one of your songs because I know that you were totally against the selling of your songs before that..."

"Well as the story goes Jose here went behind my back and had her record one of my songs, and I walked in on them recording. At first I wanted to throw Jose out a window but then I actually started listening and it brought me to tears. This girl has talent beyond her years and she recorded some of my songs that I thought no one could do justice, and did just that. She is so passionate about what she does, and hearing her sing my songs was like therapy to me."

"Where do you draw your inspiration from?"

"My life...I've been writing since I was very very young, but I never really shared it with anyone. So most of the songs on her album are from years and years ago. During the process of selling the songs and being there for when she recorded some of them it was like a healing process for me. These songs mean so much to me, they basically are me so you can imagine it can be hard sometimes to part with them."

"Well I can tell you that you are an amazing songwriter...I've heard the album and it's pretty intense...but in all seriousness Justin, this is Justin Timberlake for those of you living under a rock and really think his name is Jose Rivera," Joey said into the camera laughing, "How do you feel about all this?"

"Honestly I'm just really proud of her. I know how much these songs mean to her and I see her working so hard to produce quality music, and this is really a defining moment for her and I'm just so happy that I can be here to support her, and that other people are going to be able to realize just how talented she really is. All of this is really out of her element but nothing that she does is to gain fame or anything like that, she has a good head on her shoulders and I think that she's really going to strive in the industry because of that. She's driven by the work that she produces not the number of times her face is on the cover of a magazine. I think with her songs mixed with Christina's vocal talent they're going to be an unstoppable force. I'm really proud of both of them, and for once I am happy to be here just to stand next to someone and support them, be here to let them know how proud I am and how much love I have for them, and not be here to promote myself!"

"That's really nice babe," I said holding back tears forgetting in the moment that we were being filmed.

"You two are going to make me shed a tear, that was really nice Curly...what's gotten into you?"

"Oh I don't know, age, love, having a kid...they all soften you...well, not you but most people!"

"So heartfelt...thank you guys for stopping I know you were heading in, and happy birthday to you lady this is a pretty good birthday gift if I do say so myself, and I'll see you guys in there. So nice to meet you Jose!"

"Gracias Signor!" Justin replied with a handshake. I hug and kissed Joey and we were finally escorted inside.

The moment the doors opened I heard one of my songs just like I did for practically the rest of the night. I'd heard the album before, and was there for when she recorded a lot of it, but hearing it in a club with a bunch of other people and seeing there response to it was a whole other level of exciting. People kept coming up to me and telling me that they loved my stuff and I got at least 50 business cards from record execs and artists alike asking me to contact them to set up a meeting to discuss maybe writing for them. Every time I turned around there was someone new to talk to, and the night went by so fast that it was hard to take it all in. It was crazy being somewhere with Justin and not waiting in the wings, holding his hand and dancing with myself, tonight that's what he was doing. This is what I had to look forward to, and I can't say that I'm mad about it. We saw Christina briefly when we first walked in but both of us were being pulled in different directions.

I was shocked to realize that it was 1am when Christina finally took the stage to perform a song. But before she started she gave a speech. "A huge thank you to everyone who has come out tonight and has supported me in the making of this album. It's been a long road, but it's finally released and I'm so proud of it. There is one huge thank you that I have to give though and that is to Marissa Mitchell. This girl is an amazing, amazing songwriter and my album wouldn't be what it is without her. I am so thankful to her for allowing me to sing her songs, and for letting me pick her brain. So thank you thank you thank you!" I ran up to the stage and gave her a hug before letting her start the song.

Her first single hit the airwaves about a month ago and it was one of mine. Hearing it for the first time on the radio was pretty surreal, and I prepared myself to hear her sing it today. Instead she sat in jeans and a wife beater with only a spotlight on her and belted out "I'm OK." I tried to hold my tears in but they came out about halfway through the song, and I felt Justin wrap his arm around my waist and pull me in close to him. I couldn't believe this was happening, my dream that I never knew I really had...it was coming true.

Around lunchtime Marissa usually relieves me so that I can go out and get some work done. I'm usually in my office or in the studio with other artists for most of the day, but for the past month I've been filming a movie. Written in my contract for everything I do now is that I will be on break from 8pm to at least 11pm so that I can go home, put Brayden to bed with Marissa and spend some time with her, because if not we'd never see each other. Then around 11:00 just when Marissa goes to bed I'll either go back to what I was doing before or go downstairs and work on my album until the wee hours of the morning. Then the cycle begins again the next day and every now and then I add in an interview or film a commercial or something of that nature. Somehow I'm managing to keep everyone happy, get all my work done and still am able to function. When I do have to travel I'll try and arrange for my family to come with me, but sometimes it's just not possible. During those times I make sure that I'm not away for any more then a week so that I don't miss too much. I went from doing absolutely nothing except spending time with my family to being pulled in a million different directions again and going back onto a strict schedule, and even though at times it can be really stressful, I'm excited to be back into the swing of things.

Marissa has also been working non-stop. Needless to say Christina's album took off and was certified platinum after the first day, and not a day later Marissa's phone was ringing off the hook. She now has her own management team and publicist and has made her rounds on every daytime talk show there is. She's made a name for herself separate from me and that was the one thing she had hoped and prayed for to happen. Now when she's interviewed my name pops up only once or twice and it has nothing to do with her work. I am so proud of her, she jumped into the industry so fast and she's holding her head high and taking control of her life, instead of letting the people control her. She's worked with too many artists to name and has been successful with each and every song she's written. And to top it all off...she's happy. She's loving LA, she's loving her job, and she's loving her life, and at the end of the day when she comes home she's the same Marissa I fell in love with over two years ago. She'll kick off her heals and throw on one of my old t-shirts and just be Mama, I've never seen her smile so much or so big as she does when she's with Brayden. He is attached to her like white on rice, even though she's the strict one between the two of us, and she's taking on her role as mother like it was the challenge of a lifetime and succeeding every step of the way.

I took the day off since I would be leaving for a couple of days and Brayden and I were sitting on the floor playing with his miniature drum set while watching The Wiggles. Every so often he'd pick himself up with the help of the couch and shake his butt when a song came on that he really liked. It's true what they say; the kid really does take after me in every single way possible. It's kind of like having a mini me, and I've called my mother numerous times to apologize for the way I acted as a child because of it. He was quite a handful but no matter what he did my love for him never wavered.

Marissa was due home any minute, and everyone was coming to our place to watch the Grammy Nominations, and by everyone...I mean everyone. My parents were in town, and Trace and Amy flew in last week partially because Trace and I had business to discuss and partially because Amy begged him to go with him. Rachel was now living in our guesthouse with her new boyfriend who just happened to be Luke, we really are like one big dysfunctional family, and Christina was coming by with Jordan and her son Max. I heard the garage door open and keys get thrown on the kitchen counter and before I knew it Brayden was on all fours crawling as fast as he could over to Marissa screaming "MAMA, MAMA," at the top of his lungs.

"Hey buddy," she said bending down and picking him up once he got to her, "did you have fun with Daddy today?"

"Dada Dumb," he said unwrapping his arms from around her neck.

"I'm sorry did you just say Daddy's dumb?" she asked looking at me trying not to smile.

"Dada Dumb," he said again this time more confidently.

"He just called you dumb...your kid thinks you're dumb," she said now laughing.

"I believe he's trying to say drum...that would be D-R-U-M," I replied pointing to the mini drum set with the stick I was holding in my hand.

"Ohhhh," she said rubbing her nose against Brayden's, "I think I like dumb better though..." She walked over to where I was sitting on the floor and plopped down next to me putting Bray in her lap and kicking off her shoes, kissing my cheek in the process. "It was definitely funnier when he was calling you dumb."

"That's really nice thank you."

"You are very welcome, how was he today?"

"He was good. We chilled, ate some oatmeal and had some peaches for breakfast. We took a morning stroll around the neighborhood with the dogs, then came back and chilled on the floor for a while. You know how we roll...how was your day?"

"It was good," she said letting out a big breath, "I sat down with Johnny and tried to figure out a schedule that worked around yours because I'm going to have to travel a bit soon, and met with Kelly to talk about her next album and what direction she wants to go in. Both of them are coming over by the way for this Grammy party thing you insist on having."

"I insist because you are going to be nominated and people should be here to celebrate with you."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that Timberlake...God Brayden you reek," she said picking him up and holding him out like a bomb that was about to explode, "tell Daddy to change you..."

"POOOOOOOOOOOP," he screamed laughing from his gut. The kid says very few words at this point but I'm convinced that poop is his favorite one. Every time he says it he laughs, and he'll randomly shout it out mostly at times when we're somewhere that it shouldn't be said, like the grocery store, a restaurant, or while we're being followed by a swarm of paparazzi.

"He is his father's son," she said handing him off to me and getting up to go change.

"We need to teach you new words Bray, these ones aren't cutting it," I said holding him away from me so that the stink bomb wouldn't be so close.

"POOOOOOOOOP!" I shook my head and couldn't help but laugh. He really was my son.

***

There were 13 people in the room, and besides the two children not one person was making any noise whenever nominees were announced. There was a good chance that four people in this room could be nominated for a Grammy, and even though I've never actually sat down and watched the nominations, this year I felt like I had to because I knew for sure Marissa would be nominated. After an hour and a half of categories that right now we weren't really interested in they finally started the ones we wanted to hear. Scarlett Johansen and Jamie Foxx were at the podium.

"The nominations for Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals are...Roseanne Cash & Bruce Springsteen "Sea of Heartbreak", Colbie Caillat & Jason Mraz "Lucky", Norah Jones & Willie Nelson "Baby It's Cold Outside", Ciara & Justin Timberlake "Love, Sex, Magic," Marissa squealed and hit my leg, and I was kind of excited to hear my name called even though I knew that the possibility of winning was slim to none, "And Taylor Swift & Colbie Caillat "Breathe." Everyone patted me on the back and said congratulations. It was still crazy to me that I was being nominated for Grammy's even though I've already won a handful. They continued to announce nominees in the Pop category and finally got to Best Pop Vocal Album, Christina was nominated for Stripped, and Kelly was nominated for All I Ever Wanted. Marissa worked on both albums and I could tell she was so proud for being a part of them. The last two nominations they did were for Song of the Year and Album of the Year. Christina and Kelly were yet again both nominated for album of the year, and all of us except for Marissa were on the edge of our seats for the last announcement. This was her category, she had worked on a number of hit songs this year and I knew at least one of them would be nominated. I looked over at her when they announced Paul McCartney and Janet Jackson to the stage to present and her thumbs were twirling a mile a minute, her eyes not moving from the television screen. Trace wrapped his arm around her shoulders and whispered something in her ear making her smile, and my mother linked her fingers with mine. I reached out for her hand with my free one and she grabbed onto it for dear life.

"Last but not least, the nominees for Song of the Year, "Poker Face" performed by Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga & RedOne songwriters, "You Belong With Me" performed by Taylor Swift, Liz Rose & Taylor Swift songwriters, Dead and Gone performed by T.I featuring Justin Timberlake, T.I & Justin Timberlake songwriters," she squeezed my hand and I got butterflies in my stomach knowing that I was probably going to be nominated against her, "'Fighter" performed by Christina Aguilera, Marissa Mitchell songwriter," the entire room erupted with cheering and Marissa's mouth dropped to the floor. I threw my arms around her and she whispered "Holy shit," in my ear. Then we heard something that we didn't expect.

"And finally the last nomination for Song of the Year is..."My Life Would Suck Without You" performed by Kelly Clarkson, Marissa Mitchell songwriter." It was then the tears started falling from her eyes. She was hugging me so tight she was cutting off circulation and it was getting harder to breathe. She finally let go as people started coming up to her and like the emotional messes they are she and my mother cried on each others shoulders like someone had just died. After they separated Luke ran up to her, picked her up off the ground and wrapped her up in a hug. After spinning her around a few times he put her down and wiped away a few access tears off of her face. I bent down and picked Brayden who was now at my feet up and watched the two best friends interaction. Luke had been there through everything, they've been friends even before Marissa knew Amy and he was her rock for close to 10 years now.

"Look what you did," he said to her.

"This is like...this isn't even real life right now..."

"It is totally real life right now. You just got nominated for a Grammy Marissa. A fucking Grammy, and you're nominated against yourself!" She just shook her head and started crying again. "I'm so proud of you," he said wrapping her up in another hug.

She buried her face in his shoulder and grabbed onto his shirt, "I wish he was here," she said after a few minutes.

"He is here...he's here and he's proud of you."

"I know but it's not the same...Our kids were suppose to grow up together and now Brayden will never know him, and I'm finally happy with my life and he's not even here to experience it with me. I'm nominated for a Grammy and the first thing I think of is how he's not here. I miss him so much Luke..."

"I do too Ris...I do too."

"MAMA!" Brayden yelled holding out his arms for her to take him. She looked up quickly, wiped the last of her tears away and put a happy face for him before taking him in her arms.

"And I bet this little guy is proud of his Mama too," Luke said.

"Oh he better be...Can you say love you to Uncle Luke Bray?"

"POOOOOOOOOOP!" The whole room stopped talking and erupted in laughter. We really had to work on new words because this one was getting quite embarrassing.

"He is his Papa's son," my mother said hugging me, "You're in for it Justin..."

***

The next two and a half months went by in no time. I had to travel for a few things and so did Marissa. We went to Tennessee for Christmas again and it was really exciting for me to show Brayden where his Daddy grew up. There were so many people that were excited to spend time with Brayden that it was almost like a break for me and Marissa. We celebrated at my Granny's this year, and Katie surprised us with news that she was 4 months pregnant. Finally a friend for Brayden. Katie and I were about a year and a half apart so there was going to be the same age difference between our kids. I was convinced she was having a girl, and it got to the point where we were planning there wedding.

Once we got back to LA after New Year's 2010 we were both back to work. Marissa was absolutely swamped to the point where she was now bringing things home from work to do while Brayden napped, and I was ready to pull what little hair I had on my head out. My birthday came and went, this year just having a small party at the house with close family and friends, and then the day after we had the most intense 1-year-old birthday party ever for Brayden. It turned into paparazzi palooza because other celebrity kids were invited so we ended up having to hire extra security and block off the street to anyone who didn't have an invitation. Marissa wanted to keep it small to avoid this, but my son was turning one and I've always been the one to throw huge parties. In the end she gave in and I ended up planning and running most of it because she wanted nothing to do with all the media hype it was getting. If I do say so myself I threw a damn good party for my kid. There were horses and bouncy houses, even The Wiggles came. Who would of thought I'd one day be excited over The Wiggles?

We finally had a chance to relax the day of the Grammy's. My mother came and picked up Brayden at 7 in the morning, and we had hair, makeup and wardrobe people come to the house instead of us going there. They were scheduled to get here at noon so once we said goodbye to Bray we both hopped back into bed and took in the silence.

"I just want to make sure that there will be no hard feelings tonight when I kick your ass and take home that Grammy," I said jokingly after about a half hour.

"What are you talking about? I want you to win..."

"Oh like you don't want to win a Grammy."

"I don't even know if I can handle winning a Grammy right now...like I can't even believe this is my life."

"After all this time..."

"This will never be real to me Justin, I still can't even believe I have a kid and he's already one."

"Well I can't believe that either." I had my arm around her waist and her back was against my chest. She locked her fingers with mine and pulled my hand up to her mouth kissing every one of my fingers.

"I talked to Rebecca yesterday...I'm going to go back home for the scholarship fundraiser next month for Frankie."

"Why don't we all go?"

"Aren't you traveling? I figured me and Bray would just go..."

"I'm supposed to be traveling but it's just something for the line so I can always postpone that, it's not hard to meet with Trace. I'd like to go back to Boston anyway, we haven't been back since we moved."

"I'd like that...I spoke to my sister too, we're going to get together since she hasn't even met Brayden yet."

Even though Marissa and her sister spoke every once and while they still weren't really that close. When we were living in Boston, Nicole was traveling a lot for work, and we left before she got back. "Are you okay Ris? You seem kind of down, and you should be really excited right now."

"I'm actually great to be honest with you. You know I never thought that I'd be happy just being content with everything in my life. I always thought that I'd need action, or excitement of some sort to stay happy, but I'm content Justin and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'm content with being a working mom, and I love my job. I'm happy with where I'm living and the direction my life is going, and I'm content just lying here in your arms on probably one of the biggest days of my life. I'm finally sure of things. My mind isn't running a mile a minute anymore questioning everything that I do. I know for 100% fact that this is the way my life is supposed to be. There is no doubt in my mind that in 60 years I want to be in bed with you next to me lying just like this. So yes, everything is absolutely okay."

***

We pulled up to the Red Carpet at 7:00, which means we only had to spend an hour on it. The last step and repeat we were on Marissa was shaking the entire time, but this time was completely different. She was happy as a clam and totally comfortable taking pictures and doing interviews, not to mention she looked like absolute perfection in a custom red one shouldered Vera Wang gown. Our last interview was with Ryan Secrest and this time Marissa was actually excited about it. We walked up to him and she gave him a hug and a kiss and we chatted a little bit before the camera started rolling.

"Thanks G, we are down here with Justin Timberlake and Marissa Mitchell, both are nominated tonight and in a funny twist they are going head to head tonight in the song of the year category. How are you guys feeling tonight?"

"Great," we both said at the same time looking at each other and laughing.

"Marissa this is your first time here at the Grammy's, first of all who are you wearing, and how does it feel to be here...what are your thoughts on being nominated tonight?"

"I am wearing custom Vera Wang, and this feels absolutely incredible. This was the one awards show I watched religiously growing up, and I never in a million years thought I'd be able to go to the Grammy's never mind be nominated."

"Who do you thinks taking home the award tonight you or Justin?"

"You know what, I have to say Justin. I was fan of his work before anything else, and Dead and Gone is honestly one of my favorite songs of all time. He and Tip did an amazing job writing this song, and I have to say they definitely deserve it."

"And what about you Justin who do you think is taking it home?"

"She's nominated against herself man, it has to be her. Both songs she's nominated for are amazing songs but in different ways. Fighter is really an empowering song for women and I think is really inspirational to some people, and My Life Would Suck Without You is just a really fun love song that I think describes a lot of relationships, but both of them deserve to win."

"Will there be any hard feelings if one wins over the other?"

"He might have to sleep on the couch for a couple of days, but I'm sure I'll get over it," she said with a huge smile on her face that made my smile get even bigger.

"I think we're both just really proud of each other Ryan, and no matter who wins even if it's not one of us we're going to be happy for them. We're up against some really talented people and if I had any say we'd all win!"

"What are you plans for after the show, what after party will you two be hitting up?"

"We're going to go to a couple, but we'll be up at 6am with our kid in the morning so we won't be out too late," I replied.

"Speaking of your kid, how is he? We've seen a lot of pictures of you guys out and about, and we heard that he just had a big birthday party."

"He is great! He's walking and attempting to talk up a storm. He did just turn one and we had a party for him...I've never seen someone so excited about a bouncy house before until I saw Justin in it..."

"I'm a HUGE bouncy house advocate."

"Well congratulations to the both of you and good luck tonight, we'll be cheering you on."

"Thanks Ryan!"

"What's cookin' up top G?"

***

The Grammy's are like the who's who of the music industry, so even though it's really exciting to be there a lot of the time you end up working as well. The networking part was interesting this time around though because there were a ton of people Marissa has worked with that I really wanted to meet, and a ton of people that I've worked with that she really wanted to meet, so this year it was kind of fun. Our seats were in the front row, which means the camera is going to be in our face the whole time, and either one of us is going to win or they want us there for ratings. We were seated next to Christina and Jordan, and Kelly and her mom. This was also the first year that my mom didn't come with me, and I have to admit it felt kind of weird to be here without her. The smile on Marissa's face never left the entire 4 hours we were there. She was having the time of her life enjoying every performance and taking in the experience of actually being at the Grammy's. Christina performed and sounded absolutely incredible, and I did a surprise performance with TI that went off without a hitch. Christina was sweeping up awards left and right, and in a shocking twist I somehow won Best Pop Collaboration for Love, Sex, Magic. I can honestly say this was one award that I did not expect to win. Marissa jumped up when they announced my name and threw her arms around me whispering congratulations in my ear.

They usually save Album of the year for the last awards, but I'm assuming since they hyped up the fact that we were nominated against each other so much, they saved song of the year for last. Christina walked away with Album of the Year and instead of going back stage to do press she walked right back down the stairs and took her seat next to Marissa taking her hand in hers. Once they came back from commercial break Marissa tensed up, and had the look of utter fear in her eyes. I'm not sure if she was freaking out because she wanted to win so bad and would be really upset if she didn't, or if she was just deathly afraid to win and have to go accept an award. Stevie Wonder and Mariah Carey were introduced to present the award and I laced my fingers with hers. They were going back and forth about who was going to win, and if there would be a lovers quarrel if it was one of us when her foot started taping and I began to feel her thumb going back and forth over the top of my hand. I zoned out focusing solely on her while they announced the nominees. I can only imagine what we both looked like when the camera panned over to us while announcing our names. I snapped back to reality once the clapping stopped and I saw Mariah open the envelope. My eyes didn't leave Marissa because if she won I wanted to see every second of her reaction.

"And the winner is...it's a tie," my head shot over to the stage, "no I'm just kidding it's totally not a tie," Stevie laughed. The entire crowd joined in except Marissa whose eyes were glued to the envelope in Mariah's hand.

"The Grammy for Song of the Year 2010 goes too..."Fighter," performed by Christina Aguilera, and written by Marissa Mitchell!"

The only reason why I knew she heard her name announced was because her jaw dropped just slightly and her grip on my hand tightened. She just sat there, in complete and utter shock while the rest of us jumped up and started hugging each other. I knelt down and threw my hands around her neck kissing her cheek.

"Go get your fucking Grammy baby, you did it!"

I backed away and she just shook her head and put her hands over her mouth. After what was probably only 5 seconds but what seemed like 10 minutes she stood up and wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered, "I can't do this..."

"Yes you can.  I love you so much, now go get what you deserve," I kissed her softly and put her hand that I was holding into Christina's and watched them walk up to the stage to accept the award. They held hands walking up the stairs probably due to the fact that Marissa was visibly shaking, and I watched her take her award out of the hands of one of my idols. She stepped up to the microphone and looked out at the crowd that was now on there feet. She was just standing there unable to comprehend that she had just won a Grammy.

After the crowd settled down she took a deep breath and looked down at me. I smiled and blew her a kiss, and she grabbed Christina's hand and finally started talking. "I don't even know what to say right now because I can't believe this is happening to me. I know that I'm going to forget to thank a million people because I'm not even sure if I know my name right now. First and foremost I have to thank Christina because without her singing that song it wouldn't be what it is today, and without her I would have never ever even started to get into the songwriting business. Ahhh I can't even think...to my management team, and to every other artist I've worked with, you have made my life what it is today and I am so grateful to you for that. To all of my friends that have supported me even before my life turned upside down Amy, Luke, Jen, and even Trace. To everyone who has done me wrong...you inspire me to work even harder and prove you wrong. To my baby at home...Brayden Mama loves you so much sweetie. To Justin...I would not be the person that I am today, the mother that I am today, or the friend that I am today without you. You make me, me. I love you so much and I am the happiest I've ever been in my entire life because of you, and none of this would have been possible without you. Thank you for pushing me incessantly to do this. I know I'm missing a ton of people, I'm sorry you all know who you are. This award is for you Frankie, I know you're watching over me, I love and miss you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone...THANK YOU!" She blew me a kiss and I watched her walk back stage with Christina in tow.

The host came out for one final joke and closed the show and I jumped out of my seat and ran backstage passing people that were trying to stop me without even taking a second glance. I managed to squeeze my way through the crowd of people and made my way over to where she was standing, talking to an interviewer with Christina, and the minute she saw me she stopped talking mid sentence and ran over to me jumping into my arms as if she weren't wearing a $20,000 dress. I spun her around a few times before putting her down and holding onto her face while I kissed her. "You just won a Grammy Marissa...you just won a fucking Grammy..."

"This isn't even my life..."

"It is so totally your life. I love you baby..."

"Justin, how does this feel for you? Are you upset you lost?" I heard the reporter that was just interviewing Marissa ask me from behind her.

"I don't think I would have been half as happy or proud if I won...she deserved it 100%. I am beyond proud of her."

"Where are you guys going to celebrate?"
"Everywhere!" I said grabbing her hand and Christina's and turning around to find the rest of our group. I've never seen a smile so big on Marissa's face, and after going to three after parties' and getting home at 3 in the morning, the smile was still there, and still huge.

She was wired and on the biggest high of her life so when we went to bed there was no way she was able to fall asleep. We stayed up and talked for three hours about everything under the sun until Brayden woke up, and we spent the entire day celebrating with him and our family. This was my life now. It was a routine and it was spent with the same few people everyday. I was no longer working crazy hours or going to a different continent just because I could, and I chose my friends wisely only trusting those who have proven themselves to me. Some people criticize me for this and claim that I'm not fun anymore and that I have no excitement in my life, and three years ago if you told me my life would be like this I would have said the same thing. But now actually living it, I've never been so happy and so content with my life. Now it has meaning, now I have something besides my music to live for.

***

FedEx dropped off our Grammy's a month later. We were both off that day because we had to pack to go back to Boston for a week for the fundraiser for Frankie's scholarship. Marissa had just gone to go take a nap and begged me to keep Brayden occupied for just an hour so that she could catch up on some sleep. Ever since she won the Grammy people have been calling her left and right to go on there talk show or do an interview and spread for there magazine. I opened the box that was addressed to the both of us; you would think that they'd come separately since the academy is a multi-billion dollar company but no. I put mine on the mantel next to the others and took Marissa's with me while I went to get Brayden dressed in a special outfit to deliver the Grammy to his Mommy.

"Let's go get you changed Brayden so that you can give Mama her special present..."

"I dressed Da."

"I know you're already dressed buddy but we have to put a special shirt on!"

"Mama sleep," he said as I pulled a new shirt over his head.

"I know, but you have to wake Mama up..."

"No, no," he shook his head a mile a minute, "No, Mama timeout. No timeout Da." He was coming along with his words, but clearly still couldn't form full sentences and refused to at least add another "da" on the end of the first one, even though he's been saying Dada since he was 9 months old.

"I promise Mama won't give you a timeout for waking her up, here," I said standing him up off the ground and putting the Grammy in his hand, "go give this to Mama and say surprise!"

"PRISE!" he yelled directly into my ear.

"Yes, just like that only to Mama not me!" I took his hand and we walked to the door of our bedroom. I turned the knob and let go of his hand.

"You too Da..."

"No just Brayden," I said watching him walk in further and I closed the door behind him wanting to hear her reaction before seeing it. I stood outside the door waiting, and I could hear Brayden struggling to climb on the bed.

"PRISE MAMA!" he screamed about a minute later, and I could hear Marissa physically jump up.

"Jeez Brayden! What did Mama tell you about waking her up?"

"Da say no timeout...PRISE!"

I heard her gasp, "My Grammy!" and then she shuffled over to the light and turning it on and she read the inscription out loud.

"Prise shirt Mama," Brayden said as I heard the bed creek a bit when she sat back down. I heard her gasp again...

"JUSTIN?!..."

Frankie use to tell me that one day so much good would happen in my life that it would make all the bad that's happened before become non-existent. Clearly at that time I didn't believe a word that he said, and especially after he died I took that statement as a load of crap. However every now and again I'd remember him saying that to me, and I'd question when it was going to happen. When was I going to stop having nightmares about being raped over and over again? When was I going to be able to trust someone with my life? When was I going to fall in love, so deeply in love that nothing else in the world matters? And it always seemed like the answer to all of the questions I had running through my head never lined up with each other. I fell in love with Justin, but I was still having nightmares. I got a good job that I loved doing, but I couldn't trust the people that I was surrounded with completely because of the guards that I had up and because of the industry that I was in. I'd finally think that things were looking good and then Brandon would pop up, or I'd start jumping at the sound of the wind in fear of someone being behind me. Maybe all of the good wasn't supposed to happen to me. Maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, or maybe it does and the reason bad things were happening to me was because I wasn't doing something right in my life.

Then there was Justin's favorite statement. Everything happens for a reason Marissa, you may not know the reason now but you'll figure it out someday. That as well is a load of crap. I think the following should be used instead...Some things happen for a reason. Other things happen for no reason at all, and you just have to learn to live with it. Example...I waited to get tickets for Justin's concert until the week before the show because I knew that's when the good seats go on sale. Because I did that he was able to spot me and brought me backstage. The rest as you know is history, but the point is that I waited to buy tickets for a reason and that was it. Had I got them when they went on sale, he wouldn't have seen me and God only knows what I'd be doing with my life today. However, I still don't know what the reason is that I was raped, or what the reason is for Frankie dying. Sure you could say that those two things had some affect on the shaping of who I am today, but I don't think that's a good enough reason.

I don't think all of the bad things that have happened in my life will go away forever at one point. I'll be reminded on every holiday, and at every family gathering of my childhood and the fact that I'm basically parentless. I'm still reminded everyday that Frankie isn't here anymore, and every time an elevator is in front of me I'm reminded that when I was 18 years old I was raped. However I am a stronger person because of it all. I'm more mature then most people my age, and I have a very strong sense of self worth. I had to go through a lot of bad things in my life to get to where I am today and to be the person I am today. I know how lucky I am, and how fortunate I am today because of everything else that's happened before. Lately things have been going my way, and I've had nothing to complain about which is a welcomed change. I'm in a strong, healthy relationship, I have a growing healthy son, I'm LOVING my job, and besides changing the past I don't think there's anything more I could ask for. My name was not only announced during the Grammy nominations, but also during the telecast and I actually went on stage and accepted a Grammy Award. Talk about life changing, and I've finally been able to actually look at my life and say that I'm truly happy with where it's headed.

Tomorrow we fly into Boston for a week to help with the "Frank Says Hi" scholarship fundraiser that I set up with the help of my cousin Rebecca. We're giving away 2 $10,000 scholarships each year to a communications major that plans on going to the school Frankie and I went to. This year we're holding a small concert with local bands to help raise money, as well as doing an auction and holding a benefit dinner. Justin has been nice enough to auction himself off for a day, and that alone will probably bring in around 10 grand. Justin and I both took today off and I was halfway done packing up for our trip. After begging Justin to keep Brayden occupied while I took a nap I was off to bed to try and catch up on some much needed rest. It was only 15 minutes later that I was woken up by my hyperactive son.

"PRISE MAMA!" he screamed directly in my ear causing me to shoot up from the deep sleep that I had just fallen into.

"Jeez Brayden! What did Mama tell you about waking her up?" I said pulling him close to me and kissing his cheek.

"Da say no timeout...PRISE!" I looked down at his hands and saw him holding a Grammy. They said it would take 2 months to get here, but they were very wrong. It was a month early and I've never been more excited in my life.

"My Grammy!" I practically yelled before jumping out of bed to turn the light on. "2010 Song of the Year, Fighter, Marissa Mitchell, Songwriter." Here is it, right in front of my eyes...my Grammy. I ran my fingers over the gold plaque and my fingers dipped over the engraving. How did my life get to this point? How could I possibly top this?

"Prise shirt Mama," Brayden said and I simply nodded not wanting to take my eyes off of my newest baby. Where was I going to put it? Justin has his on the mantel, maybe I'll put mine on the coffee table or something...no then Brayden would be able to reach it and he could destroy it...maybe...

"MAMAAAAAA.... Prise shirt."

"I know Brayden, it's a cool shirt," I said still not focusing my attention on him.

"Look Mama, look!"

"I see Bray it's blue."

"MAMA LOOK!" he yelled now jumping on the bed. I looked up at him more to scold him for jumping then to actually look at his shirt and just as I was about to open my mouth to yell at him my eyes actually went to his shirt and I read what it said, once...twice...three times to make sure I wasn't seeing things. I sat down on the bed and put Brayden on my lap rereading the shirt again.

"Brayden who put this shirt on you?" I asked trying to catch my breath.

"Da say prise shirt."

"Did Daddy take your other shirt off and put this one on?"

"Mmmhmm...He say Mama prise shirt. He say no timeout..."

"JUSTIN?!..." I screamed at the top of my lungs unable to take in enough air to breathe correctly.

"Yeah baby?" I heard come from outside the door.

"What...what is this?"

"It's your Grammy, what do you think it is?"

"Not the Grammy...his shirt."

"I don't know what you're talking about babe...should I pack up these bathing suites or do you think it's still too cold?"

"If this is a joke it's not funny Justin..."

"Mama no cry...be happy!"

"JUSTIN!? I am happy Brayden, don't worry..."

"What's wrong with his shirt Ris?"

"It says...it says..."

"It says what? Come here let me see."

I stood up with Brayden in my arms and I was shaky on my legs. I felt like I had Jell-O for bones. Slowly I walked to the bedroom door not knowing what to expect when I opened it. I put my hand on the knob and told myself to turn it, but my brain wasn't really connecting with my hand. "Open Mama, open!"

"What's it say Ris?"

I pulled the door open but left my eyes closed, "It says..."

"DAAAAAAA," Brayden squirmed to get out of my arms, and I opened my eyes as I put him down on the ground. My hand went straight to my mouth and tears immediately started pouring down my face when I saw Justin tell Brayden to sit next to him.

"What does it say?" he asked again looking up at me.

"It says...oh my God Justin..."

"No, it does not say oh my God Justin. Come here..." he said holding out his hand for me to take, "what does it say?"

"It says...it says...it says will you marry my Daddy?"

"And his Daddy is on one knee, holding a ring in one hand and his Mama's hand in the other..."

"Justin," I practically whispered, my voice shaking.

"Don't say anything yet just listen," I nodded my head unable to fully comprehend what was happening. "I am nothing without you, and I can't imagine a day going by without you in my life. You complete me. You make me the person I am. The moment I laid eyes on you I knew that you were my soul mate, and after over two years I still to this day know you are the only one for me. We make the best team in the world, and we're pretty damn good parents too. I love you and I will love you until the day that I die. So Marissa no middle name Mitchell will you make me the happiest man alive and marry his Daddy?"

Tears were falling from my eyes like a tidal wave had just crashed. My hands were shaking, my legs were shaking, and I was sweating profusely. This was actually happening, and it was happening in a way that I had never imagined. I always pictured an engagement happening in some big way...rose pedals everywhere, a candlelit dinner, and soft music playing in the background. But here I was in a tank top and shorts, my hair up in a messy bun standing in the hallway of our house with Justin wearing no shirt at all and only a pair of sweatpants down on one knee holding up the biggest most gorgeous diamond ring I've ever seen in my life. And I wouldn't have it any other way. This was us...we weren't extravagant, and both of us hated getting dressed up and going out for expensive dinners. We were simple, we walked around the house half naked everyday, and we were the happiest when we were all together on the floor playing with Brayden, or eating macaroni and cheese out of the pan, or lying in bed every morning with Brayden in between the two of us watching cartoons. This was perfect, it was everything I could have dreamed of.

"Big wing Mama..." Brayden said after a few minutes of silence.

I knelt down in front of Justin before my legs gave out fully, and held my arms out for Brayden. He ran over to me and sat down in front of me in between Justin and I. "Well?" he asked, "what do you say? You think you could put up with me for the rest of your life?"

"I think that I could put up with you for forever and a day," I said with my voice cracking.

"Is that a yes?" he asked with the biggest smile I've ever seen on his face.

"That is absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, I've never been so sure of anything in my life, a yes."

He threw his arms around me and his lips crashed onto mine, and we stayed like that for what seemed like forever. I could have stayed there forever, my knees hurt from the hardwood floor, and my back hurt from the awkward position we were in so that we wouldn't squash Brayden but I could stay in this moment forever. Pure bliss. Pure happiness. Nothing in the world could bring me down.

"I hug too, I hug too," Brayden screamed popping up and hitting both of our chins with his head. We both backed away grabbing our  chins in pain, and he jumped up wrapping one arm around Justin's neck and one arm around mine. "I wuv you Mama," he said kissing my cheek, "and I wuv you Dada," he said kissing Justin's cheek.

"I love you too buddy...and you called me Dada..."

"Yeah..Dada, that's you."

"That is me!"

"Mama wing?" he asked pointing to the ring still in Justin's hand.

"Yep, this is Mama's ring. Here you put it on her finger." Justin grabbed my left hand and held out my ring finger while helping Brayden put the ring on. This ring was incredible. Not only was it huge but there were diamonds wrapped around the entire band. After he let go of my hand it dropped a little bit and I realized how heavy it was. "You're going to have to do finger exercises to hold that puppy up," Justin said laughing.

"You promised no big purchases without talking to me first Timberlake..."

"I think you'll get over it Mrs. Timberlake."

"I think I already am...I love you Justin."

"I love you too Ris. But can I get off my knee now before it breaks?"

"Of course," I replied helping him stand up before he took my hands and pulled me up as well. I was engaged. What was I suppose to do now just go on with my day?

"Uncle Twace time Dada?" Brayden asked hitting Justin's leg.

"That's tomorrow buddy," I said pulling him into me and hugging him tightly, "we get to go see Uncle Trace and Auntie Amy tomorrow."

"Uncle Twace hewe!"

"No, we're going all the way to Boston to see him on a plane remember?"

"No Mama, no! Uncle Twace hewe!"

"Justin tell your son that Trace is not here."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"And why not?"

"Because," he said pointing behind me. I turned around and standing behind me down the long hallway was Trace, Amy, Luke, Rachel, Jen, Rebecca, Christina, Lynn and Paul. The tears that had just stopped, started again and this time there was also screaming as Amy ran full speed ahead towards me and literally jumped into my arms.

"Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit you're engaged...let me see the ring, let me see, let me see!" She unwrapped her legs from around my waist and jumped off of me grabbing my left hand. "Holy fuck this thing is gigantic, how many karats is this Timberlake? I need an upgrade Trace!"

"That would be 7 karats Ayala, and I cannot be out done so good luck with that upgrade!"

"Oh my God Marissa, you are getting married! I never thought this day would come!"

"Thanks?" I questioned not knowing how to react.

"Oh you know what I mean...Congrats lady! I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks Am," I said hugging her, "guess who gets to me a maid of honor now...."

"THAT WOULD BE ME BITCHESSSS!"

"She is way too happy about this," I heard Justin say to Trace as he gave him a congratulatory hug.

"She loves weddings man."

We stood in the hallway hugging everyone and talking for a good hour. Justin's mother cried almost the whole time...we were more alike then I ever imagined we would be. The last person I got to was Luke, and by then everyone had gone downstairs except Trace who was dragged into Brayden's playroom.

"Well," he said holding his arms out to give me a hug, "the day has finally arrived."

"I feel like I've been living in a dream world for the past two and a half years."

"Well this is finally reality for you, and you deserve every minute of it!"

"Did you know or did he just tell you to come over?"

"Oh I knew...I've known for a while now."

"How long is a while?"

"About a month and a half. He actually asked for my permission to ask you to marry him, and I went with him to pick out the ring."

"He asked you?"

"He did...he said I was the closest thing to a father that you had even though I'm only a couple of years older then you, and that he wanted to make sure I was okay with him asking you to marry him." 

"Can he get anymore perfect this man?"

"I'm not sure it's possible, but you might want to take your ring off and read the inside of it. He was going to wait for you to notice it, but I'm going to spoil it for him. Don't tell..."

I pulled my ring off of my finger and held it up to my face. Inside on the bottom of the band read, "And the Reason is You." This man thinks of everything. And as I slipped ring back on my finger I realized that this was the reason for everything. How was I suppose to know what true happiness is if I didn't go through true sadness? How was I supposed to know what true love felt like if I was never heartbroken? How was I suppose to know joy if I never felt pain? Everything that I've gone through in my life prior to this lead me to this point. Had it not happened I would never know what it felt like to simply know. To know what I want and what I need. To know what makes me happy. To know what I deserve. To know love and happiness and joy. I know that Justin is my soul mate, and I know that not because he makes all the bad stuff go away, but because he makes it so that I can live with it and still be happy. He makes me realize that there really is a reason for everything that has happened in my life, and the reason isn't me, and it's not him...it's us. I'm the lucky one. I'm lucky for having the childhood that I had. I'm lucky that I've dealt with the death of a loved one. I'm lucky that I had something taken away from me. I'm lucky because unlike those people that those things didn't happen to, I know what true love is, and there are only a few people in this world that have felt what true love is.

"He was right..."

"Justin?"

"No Frankie...he always use to tell me that one day so much good will happen one day and it will make all the bad thing that have happened before become non-existent. All the bad things...they're still there but they're not so bad anymore. I can't really explain it. I'm still sad that Frankie's gone but he's in a better place and it's taken me close to three years to realize that. He's in a better place and I learned how to get through it, and I got through it with Justin. Everything that happened with Brandon and Victor, it still happened and it will always haunt me, but it made me figure out who I am and what I want, and I got through it...with Justin. My childhood, it hurt me but it made me a better mother. All the bad things lead to good things. I never ever believed him, but he was right."

"He would be so proud of you Maris...and so damn happy for you. You've turned your life around, and even though Justin may have been there to help you do it, you were ultimately the one who made the decisions to get to where you are today. You are an amazing mother, a great friend, and you are happy and that's all he ever wanted for you."

"I know...and he's been with me every step of the way."

"Congrats Maris," he said kissing my cheek and lifting me up off the ground in a hug, "Love you lover!"

"I love you too Lukie. Thanks for everything...I really mean that."

"It has been my pleasure...now lets go downstairs and celebrate with everyone else, because it sounds like they're having a party down there."

The rest of the day was spent catching up with the people I haven't seen in a while and lots and lots of champagne. Justin fired up the grill and invited a few other people over and somehow my day that was suppose to consist of packing turned into a party. Brayden was having the time of his life going from person to person climbing on everyone's lap and playing with his trucks. After a few people he'd always end up back with Trace because in reality the two were mentally the same age and connected on a different level. Simply put, I was on cloud nine, and I was so excited to start planning the wedding. Every so often Justin and I would catch each others eye from across the way and it was like the first day of a new relationship. I'd get butterflies in my stomach and instantly smile, unable to control my emotions. After talking to Lynn for a while I realized that it was already 9:00 and way past Brayden's bedtime. I looked around a now completely filled backyard, and spotting him on Justin's lap running his toy truck up and down Justin's chest, struggling to keep his eyes open. I excused myself and went over to the two men in my life so that I could steal my son and get him to bed.

"You ready for bed buddy?" I asked once I got over to Justin and Joey who was in town to cover a red carpet for the TV Guide Channel.

"No bed Mama," Brayden responded sleepily with his eyes half closed.

"Oh yes bed...look at you, you can't even keep your eyes open. Come on we have to get up early to go on the plane tomorrow remember?"

"No bed Mama, no bed!" He turned around wrapping his arms around Justin's neck and burying his head in his shoulder.

"Okay how about we go read a story then?"

"Fish stowy?" He asked whipping his head up and looking at me with big eyes.

"Sure we can read the fish story, let's go say goodnight and read the fish story," I held out my arms but he held onto Justin.

"Dada come?"

"Daddy has to stay out here with all these people, come on, come with Mama..." I didn't even have to finish my sentence and he started crying. We haven't had to deal with a crying fit in a while over him not getting his way but I had a bad feeling after the day we had this was going to turn into one if Justin didn't come.

"Brayden enough with the crying," Justin said prying his arms from around his neck, "go with Mama and I'll see you in the morning."

"NOOOOOOOO," he screamed at the top of his lungs...here comes the screaming fit to go along with the tears, something that we were both use to and probably expected but almost everyone else in the backyard was shocked to silence by.

"Brayden Francis!" Justin said sternly, "Do you want a timeout?"

"God you sound like my father," Joey laughed as Brayden continued to scream.

"Come on Justin, he's tired, it's past his bedtime, and it's been a long day. Lets save the drama for another time and come put him to bed with me."

"Maris he has to learn..."

"You've never not put him to bed if you've been home, can we teach him when there aren't 50 other people around? Come on Brayden Daddy's coming." He turned his head and there were tears and snot everywhere. The joys of parenting. He finally let me pick him up and I yelled to everyone that Brayden was making his exit. "Say goodnight Brayden," I said to my son who was still partially having a fit.

"NO TIMEOUTTTTTT," he screamed instead of the normal goodnight and I love you that would normally come out of his mouth. I shook my head and laughed kissing his forehead.

"He is his fathers son," I said before turning around and walking into the house. "You're not going to timeout...let's go read the fish book with Daddy."

"Dada...Say...Time...Out..." he said through sobs.

"Daddy's just cranky."

"No Brayden timeout?" he asked while attempting to settle down.

"No timeout, just the fish book with Mama and Daddy." After changing him into his pajama's he finally settled down completely and Justin walked in just as we laid down on the bed to start reading.

"Mama say no timeout Dada," Brayden announced with confidence as Justin laid down beside him.

"I know, no timeout. I'm sorry I said that," he kissed his cheek and picked him up so that he was laying down on his chest.  Brayden grabbed onto Justin's face with both of his hands and smooshed his cheeks together, "No prob Bob!" he said dead seriously.

We both looked at each other laughing knowing right away where he got that from. "We have to keep you away from Uncle Trace," I said.

"I wuv Uncle Twace Mama."

"Oh I know you do...let's read the fish book okay?" He put his head on Justin's chest and his thumb in his mouth wrapping his other arm as far around Justin as he could. "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish," I started and looked over to see his eyes already closed. "Black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. Some are old and some are new. Some are sad and some are glad.  And some are very very bad. Why are they sad and glad and bad? I don't know go ask your Dad..." and that's all it took for him to be passed out on top of Justin, his mouth open, snoring lightly and drool making its way down the side of his mouth. Just like his father. I curled up next to the two of them, put my arm around them and Justin kissed the top of my head. "You asked Luke?" I whispered after a while to make sure Brayden was in a deep sleep.

"Of course I asked Luke, who else would I ask? He's your best friend and he's been the only strong male presence you've had in your life."

"I didn't think you'd ask anyone..."

"It wouldn't be a proper proposal if I didn't."

"It's funny because I just said to Amy the other day that one of the few reasons why I wished I actually had a caring father was so that my future husband could ask for my hand in marriage, and so that I could have someone walk me down the isle. And of course you found a way of covering that for me without even knowing I wanted it."

"I know you Maris, that's something that you've yet to notice. You're different from every other girl in this world, but deep down you want 99% of the same things every other woman does, and I'm not going to take those things away from you because other people are assholes."

"One of the many reasons why I love you..." I said kissing his cheek. "You should probably get back downstairs, and I'll finish packing for tomorrow."

"You should probably come with me because the packing is done."

"God I fucking love you..."

***

The trip back to Boston was kind of stressful. It as the first time going back since Brayden was just a few months old so we were really concerned about how he was going to handle being on a plane for six hours. He was better then I expected he would be though only having a few outbursts on the plane, but after a few minutes of walking him up and down the isle he was fine. We also didn't want people catching wind that we were engaged so I had Justin hold onto my ring until we landed and were safely back inside the first house we ever shared together. Even though we had only been engaged for a few hours, my finger felt naked after taking my ring off, and just for fun I made him get down on one knee when he put it back on my finger. We decided to keep the news of our engagement a secret to everyone besides the people that were there last night for two reasons. The first was so that when the wedding actually happens it won't be a media circus, and the second was because the paparazzi had just started calming down since I had Brayden, and I didn't want swarms of them to start coming around us again. I hated them taking pictures of my son, and I wanted to kill them when the flashes were so bright it would make him cry, so I wanted to avoid that at all costs. We decided that when we were out with family or friends I'd wear my ring just not on my ring finger if we were with people that didn't know, but at places where we knew we would get photographed I'd leave it at home. The people who needed to know already knew, and the others can wait until we surprise them with a wedding and not a dinner party to find out.

The moment we walked in the door Brayden started running around the house exploring where he would be living for the next week. He was too little to remember the house when we lived here, and he was having the time of his life touching every little thing he could reach. I on the other hand threw my bags in our room, changed and put my phone to my ear, which is where it stayed for the next three hours. I had done most of the planning for the event in LA, but since it was open to the public I wanted to promote it once I got here. We had a ton of big names coming and the event was almost sold out, but I had to do everything I could to get every last ticket sold. I called into every radio station in the area, and did a couple of phone interviews with newspapers. Once I finalized transportation from the airport for a few people, I went off to gather my family so that we could do an interview at the radio station I use to work for.

The four days before the fundraiser flew by, and I was on the go the entire time. Unlike Justin, I didn't need or want a personal assistant for that matter, so I did most of the work myself with the help of Rebecca. I've always thought it was more gratifying when you did things yourself, it was my event after all. The night of the event I went to the venue early to set things up and make sure everything was the way I wanted it to be. I didn't want to have a Red Carpet but Justin convinced me it would be a good idea because we'd be able to raise awareness for the cause on a whole different level. People started pouring in right as the doors opened and as I looked down at the general admission floor I was almost brought to tears by the turnout. I got a text from Justin letting me know they had arrived, so I reapplied my makeup and made my way through the crowd to meet them. I went out the VIP door and saw Justin, Lynn, Paul, Trace and Brayden taking pictures and instead of joining them I stood there and watched Brayden ham it up for the cameras. That lasted all of two seconds though because once he spotted me he wiggled his way out of Justin's arms and came running over to me.

"MAMA, MAMA," he screamed as he ran down the red carpet past a slew of celebrities taking pictures and into my arms, "LOOK! Dada, Gamma, Gampa and Uncle Twace. Cheese!"

"I know and you were taking pictures too! Let's go back and see Daddy," I said as I spotted Justin waving me over to him. The flashbulbs started going off at rapid speed and people started yelling louder once I got to Justin and he gave me a kiss, "Hi," I said ignoring everything that was going on around me.

"Hey...This is crazy I feel like I'm at an awards show or something."

"Gotta do it big for Frankie...You have to see everyone inside, we might make millions off of you tonight."

"I can't help that I'm sexy," he said laughing.

We took pictures for a few more minutes and once everyone was seated we served dinner. In the beginning when I was planning this I just wanted to do something small to raise a few bucks, but somehow it got to the point that we were having a four course sit down dinner, and an auction that was expected to bring in way more money then I thought. Once I asked Justin to be a part of the auction he took it upon himself to ask a few of his friends to either donate things, themselves, or their time. Between a private performance from Carrie Underwood, a round of golf with Tiger Woods, and a studio session with Timbaland, it was bound to be a success, and that's not even mentioning all of the other auctions we had going on, the concert and the 50/50 raffle.

After dinner Rebecca started the auction and things were going pretty quickly and the larger items were going for a lot of money. But not only that we also had smaller items donated like facials, weekend trips, gift cards, and Trace donated a big basket of everything from the fall William Rast line. The last item was "Spend a Day with Justin Timberlake," and Rebecca introduced me to the stage to auction him off. "Everyone please give it up for the woman behind this night, my cousin, the one and only Marissa Mitchell."

I walked up to the stage and took the mic out of her hand. "First of all I want to thank everyone for coming tonight and supporting this cause that is so close to my heart and the hearts of everyone that knew Frankie. He was not only my cousin, but he was my best friend and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. He fought his battle with Leukemia with his head held high and smile on his face, and we're here today to honor him and to keep not only his memory but his dreams alive through the people that will be honored with the scholarships from the money we raised tonight. A huge thank you to everyone who has donated these great auction items and to everyone that has donated there time and talent to make this night possible. So now lets get to what everyone besides myself has been waiting for..." The crowd went wild, even the people in the VIP area, but that was mostly due to the fact that they knew how uncomfortable I was with this. "Please welcome to the stage, the man, the myth, the legend, the guy that has to put up with my crap on a daily basis...Justin Timberlake!" As he made his way to the stage I started doing an announcement like the Price is Right, "Justin is 6 feet tall weighing in at a lean 180 pounds. A southern boy at heart his favorite activities are singing in the shower, playing golf, and watching Sports Center 23 hour a day, and he could be yours for the day IF the price is right!"

Not surprisingly at all, Justin was "sold" for close to $10,000, and luckily for me he was bought by his own son. Though I'm sure people thought I rigged the auction, it was actually his mother that forked over the money and made him promise to come back to Tennessee before Christmas this year. After the auction the night was filled with food, drinking, music and dancing. Brayden got to stay up way past his bedtime but went home with Lynn way before we did. The night was a complete success and we raised over $1 million dollars.  Lying in bed that night I could not wipe the smile off my face.

"What are you so happy about Mama?"

"I can't believe what a success this night was...I'm not sure I've ever been so proud of myself..."

"You did a great job Maris. I. Am. So. Proud. Of. You." He said kissing me from my head to my toes in between every word.

"You know Mr. Timberlake," I said with a shit-eating grin on my face, "we haven't exactly celebrated our engagement together yet..."

"You know what, your are so right," he said running his hand down my chest.

"And I am only wearing this extremely large ring you put on my finger..."

"You make a good point, and this is good news for your clothes that I usually ruin by ripping them off of you because I don't want to wait any longer then I have to...

"It's very good news," I replied closing my eyes as I felt his lips on mine and his fingers dip below my waist... 

"Brayden get off the dog..."

"Howsey Dada."

"Come here, get off of the dog I said."

"Giddy up Buckley"

"Brayden Francis...get off the dog...NOW!"

"You a meanie! I want Mama..."

"I know I'm just so awful...Mama will be home tonight, can you please quit running around and just come sit down with me for 5 minutes?" I had paperwork piled up to my eyeballs sitting on my desk and I couldn't even get through a page without hearing something fall, or yelling at Brayden to put something down. Marissa was in Boston shopping for a wedding dress with Amy and my mother, which left me to bring Brayden with me to the office. It's been two days and not one stitch of work has gotten done.

I finished my album a lot sooner then I expected, and instead of being a manager that cares about the sanity of his artist, Johnny has insisted that I put the album out before the wedding, which was fast approaching. We decided to get married fairly quickly to avoid people finding out, so we set a date. August 10, 2010, which was the three-year anniversary of the day we met. It gave us about five months to plan, and with two of those five months remaining Marissa has worked tirelessly to have almost the whole thing done. I honestly don't know how she's done it all since I've practically been MIA for the past two months or so putting the finishing touches on the album, and she's had to deal with a one and a half year old that is all too smart for his age. I swear to God I've never heard a kid his age talk so much. His mouth is going at rapid speed from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, and somehow she managed to keep him occupied while planning a surprise wedding for about 200 people, working everyday, and taking care of the everyday house upkeep. Sometimes I honestly think she is wonder woman.

"Justin you have a call on line one," I heard come from my desk phone just as I got up to get Brayden off the dog.

"I really can't right now Julie, can you take a message?" I asked wrapping my right arm around Brayden's stomach while holding the intercom button with my left hand. He started screaming as expected.

"It's Marissa..."

Oh thank God I thought, "Put her through," I yelled over Brayden's screams, "Bray Mama's on the phone lets go talk to her..."

"NOOOOOOO," he screamed as the phone started ringing. I think I may have to jump off a bridge later.

"RIS?" I yelled over the screaming of our son after I hit the speakerphone button.

"Well you clearly have everything under control..."

"I'm going fucking crazy, I don't know how you do this."

"THAT'S A BAD WORD DADA! YOU GET TIMEOUT!"

"I know sorry...why don't you calm down and talk to Mama I bet she called to talk to you."

"Mama, Dada's a meanie," he said sniffling.

"What did he do now buddy?"

"He say I no wide howsey."

"What horse? Did Daddy buy you a horse?"

"He was riding Buckley...clearly he's got his horse and dog confused," I said.

"HE NOT A DOG GOSH! AND I'M TALKING TO MAMA!" The attitude on this kid...

"I'm pretty sure Buckley is a dog Bray, and you're too big to ride on him because you're a big boy now remember?"

"I get big boy bed Mama?"

"Soon we'll get you a big boy bed. Are you being good for Daddy?"

"Yeah," I rolled my eyes as I signed off on the fifth page within the two minutes she was talking to him. She was a lifesaver even when she was across the country. "Tomowow we went to big boy dinnow and Dada say I get whateva I want."

"You mean you went to dinner yesterday, not tomorrow."

"Yeah and guess what I get..."

"Ummmm...lobster?"

"No silly! Woni's and Cheese!"

"Holy Moly! Brayden, Mama sent a surprise for you...Go open Daddy's door and see what's there." He jumped off my leg and ran like a bat out of hell to the door, reaching as high as he could to turn the knob but he couldn't quite get there.

"I...can't...weach..." he said jumping up and down trying to grab it, "HEEEEEELP!" I threw my pen on the desk getting up to open the door for him, and I was met with Trace's face. "UNCLE TACE!"

"Oh thank GOD...backup!" I said hugging him at the same time Brayden grabbed onto his leg.

"I came to save you," he said to me bending down to pick up Brayden, "Want to go get some ice cream my dude so that your Pops can get some work done?"

"YEAH! Can I get Chocolate?"

"I love you," I said to Trace, "I'd kiss you but that's just wrong."

"Yeah, yeah," he said walking out with my son.

I sat back down and put my head on the desk, "Okay how did you know I was about to lose my mind?" I asked Marissa who was waiting patiently on the phone.

"You fell asleep while you were on the phone with me last night, it was 9:00...I knew I had to send in reinforcements."

"I love you...so much for this, you don't even know. I haven't gotten one piece of work done, this kid is off the wall, and what is with his damn attitude?"

"You must have forgotten who his parents were..."

"HA," I replied unamused, "You're so funny...how's Boston?"

"It is...interesting," she said hesitantly.

"Uh oh, is everything okay?" I asked sitting up and cradling the phone on my shoulder so that I could get some work done while I talked to her.

"Yeah I guess, my sister called me last night," she trailed off and took a breath and I could tell just by the way it came out that she threw herself down on a chair.

"You don't sound to pleased about that."

"I miss you..."

"You're avoiding the subject."

"My dad died," she whispered, "I guess he went to go get some routine test done and they found out he basically had cancer throughout his whole body and within two days he was dead."

"Ris I'm so..."

"Don't," she stopped me before I could finish my sentence, "There's really nothing to be sorry about. It's not like we were close, I mean I haven't even spoken to him in close to three years. It's just kind of surreal I guess. I knew it would happen some day, but I guess I never knew how I'd really feel about it."

"How do you feel about it?"

"I feel...nothing. How sad is that? She told me and it was like hearing that a stranger died."

"Well he did treat you like a piece of shit your entire life. I think anyone would probably feel the same way."

"Yeah, well anyway...I talked to my mom and she wants to me stay for the services, so I won't be home for a couple of days which is another reason why I sent Trace."

"Wait you're really going to stay? Your mother is just as bad as him, letting him do and say that shit to you."

"Because she was scared of him Justin. He did and said to her the same shit he did and said to me, and she put up with it because she was afraid of what he'd do to her. Just like I put up with it until I found a way out. We all feel the same way about this...we're all kind of relieved. I think...God I think things might actually change now. She might actually be the person she was before him, and who knows maybe she'll change enough to actually be a part of my life again...our life."

"I don't know about this...I'm going to book a flight to come out there tonight, Trace can watch the kid for a few days."

"No, I don't want you to leave Brayden with Trace for two days, and I certainly don't want you to come here with him. It'll be too much for him to handle, and I really don't want to have to explain it all to him. Not to mention you know there's going to be press all over the place and I just don't want him to be a part of that. You have so much work to do and it's just not necessary for you to come. Just stay, I'll be fine."

"I don't like this..."

"For me, please just stay and don't make this a big deal. I've got your mom and Amy here and I just really need you to let Trace handle Brayden for now, get some work done and then go home tonight and spend time with him before you put him to bed and do the same thing all over again tomorrow. You have the release of an album and an upcoming wedding to worry about...please?"

"Fiiiine," I said putting my face in my hands, "You win, but you have to promise to call if you need anything."

"I always do, and hey guess what..."

"Ummm...Our son is off the wall and is driving me to drink?"

"Even better," she said with a small chuckle, "I bought a dress!"

"And I can't wait to rip it off of you...I hear the only thing better then birthday sex, which was great the other day by the way even though it was your birthday and not mine, is wedding sex."

"I can't wait for wedding sex..."

"Justin, Trace is on line two," Julie said interrupting a call that was just about to get spicy.

"I'll call you tonight. I love you, and I miss you and the munchkin," she said knowing I had to take the call.

"I love you too, and I miss you more then you know, bye baby," I hit the red blinking button and pulled the phone away from my ear after my eardrums were blown out by screaming, "I knew this wouldn't last long...where are you?"

"The parking lot of Pinkberry."

"I'll be right there," I hung up the phone and looked at the stack of papers that were still nose high, "Tomorrow...I will get this done tomorrow."

***

Two days later the paperwork was now over my head, and instead of being in the office I was at home with Brayden who was sick as a dog. I went to go pick him up the other day and found him screaming in the back of Trace's car and puke all over the ground. This would happen while Marissa is gone. He's been screaming for her for two days now, and if he's not screaming he's throwing up all over the floor, himself and me. Taking him to the doctor was a task in and of itself, he yelled at the top of his lungs and flailed the entire time and I'm not sure I've ever been so embarrassed in my entire life. The doctor said he just had a stomach bug that would go away on it's own in a couple of days. Once we got home I put him in my bed with a Popsicle and turned The Wiggles on before hoping into bed next to him. I can't remember the last time I was in bed in the middle of the day; in fact I don't even remember the last time I was in bed and relaxed period. He curled up next to me putting his head on my chest, managing to drip popsicle all over me and put his little hand in mine. I leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of his warm head.

"Dada my tummy feels bad."

"I know buddy I'm sorry...do you think you're going to throw up again?"

He shook his head and handed me the popsicle stick, "I miss Mama."

"Me too, she'll be home when you wake up tomorrow morning though."

"Then you leave? I don't want you to leave me."

At that moment my heart broke into a million pieces. We thought we were doing something good for him by only one of us being gone at a time, but he now realizes that once she's home, I leave, and if I'm home then she's going to leave. In a way it's almost like growing up with divorced parents because he only see's each of us for half of the time, especially the last few months since we've both been extra busy. "I'm not leaving Bray," I said picking him up so that his head was on the pillow next to me, "I'm staying home with you and Mama okay?" 

"Okay...I pwromise I no wide the doggies anymowe."

"Thanks buddy. Why don't you try and take a nap okay, maybe your tummy will feel better after."

"You take nap too Dada?"

"You bet, we'll even take a nap in my bed how does that sound?"

"Good," he said softly almost like he was in pain. It was hard seeing him not like his usual perky self. He's usually running around non-stop all day and puts up a fight when we tell him he has to take a nap, but right now he was just really mellow and I wished I could take his pain away. "You get bwankie?"

"Sure I'll go get it. You close your eyes okay, I'll be right back." I kissed his head and adjusted the pillows so that he wasn't straining his neck before I walked from my room to his to grab his blanket that's usually attached to his hip out of his crib. No sooner did I turn around to leave his room did I hear him throw up again. I've been dealing with puke for two days now, and I was damn proud of myself too because I normally cannot handle stuff like this. If you puke and I see it, then I'll puke too, but somehow I've managed to pull myself together and clean up after him without barfing all over myself in the process. But when I walked into my room and saw him sitting up on my now pukefilled bed, with a pile of green nastiness next to him, I lost it. I ran into the bathroom and threw up all the while trying to figure out how I'm going to clean Brayden and the bed without throwing up again and knowing in the back of my head that I somehow had to get him to the hospital without him flipping out because I knew from being overworked as a kid that green meant that he was officially dehydrated. I walked back into my bedroom and saw Brayden crying on the bed. I kept my eyes focused solely on my son so that I wouldn't vomit again at the sight of my bed and I went over and picked him up.

"I sowwy Dada," he cried wrapping his arms around my neck and putting his head on my shoulder.

"It's okay, it's not your fault. Let's go get you cleaned up and then what do you think about going for a car ride?"

"No wide...nap."

"You can nap in the car," I said thinking that it would be perfect if he did actually fall asleep and we got into the hospital without him having a fit. I put him down on the toilet in my bathroom and wet a facecloth while pulling out my cell phone and calling Trace.

"What's up Pops?"

"You know you're my best friend right?"

"Ugh what do you want now?"

"I have to take Brayden to the H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L because he's dehydrated, so I was hoping you'd be a pal and clean up his latest gift that he left on my bed."

"We ain't that close man."

"He's your godson! And I need to get him in to see a D-O-C-T-O-R."

"Why are we S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G?"

"Because thanks in part to you he's afraid of the D-O...oh you get the point, if he hears me say it he'll flip out. Look can you just come help me out please?"

"You fucking owe me big time..."

"Brayden loves his uncle," I said sarcastically. And with that, he hung up on me.

10 minutes later I had Brayden buckled into his car seat and we were on our way to the hospital. He fell asleep before I even sat down in the front seat and I thanked everything under the sun for that. I called Marissa on the way which was something I was dreading doing. She knew he was sick, but he's never been this sick and she felt guilty already for not being here with him. Today was her father's funeral. I still wasn't exactly sure why she stayed for it but she felt as though she had to and I wasn't going to fight her on it. So to top off her day I called her to let her know that our son was about to make his first hospital visit since he was born, and she was across the country. She reacted like any other mother would when they get told there kid is sick enough to need a hospital trip, even though I told her I had it under control and he was just dehydrated. She assured me that she'd be on the first flight back to LA before basically hanging up on me. Theme for the day today...hang up on Justin.

We got to the hospital and luck was on my side because Brayden was still sleeping. Once we got him in a bed and they started hooking up IV's though he woke up and let the entire hospital know that we were there. This was the one and only way he was just like his mother, they both had a large issue with needles. It took three of us to hold him down and actually get the IV started, but once it got going he settled down, but I could tell that he was mad at me. I can't really describe to you how it feels to know that you're one and a half year old son hates you for the moment, but I can say it doesn't really feel good. After at least six of hours of The Wiggles and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he apparently got over the fact that I tricked him into coming to the hospital and started talking to me again. This was a good sign since they had to keep him overnight since he was under five.

I was lying next to him in his bed sleeping until he poked me in my shoulder with his finger to wake me up, "Dada? You sweep?" he whispered.

"Not anymore," I replied kissing his forehead with my eyes still closed.

"I go to heaven like Uncle Fwankie?"

"WHAT?" My eyes shot open and I'm sure a look of utter shock was on my face, "Why would you say that? No your...no." Where was Marissa when I needed her? 

"Mama's Dada go to heaven?"

"Where did you hear that buddy?" I asked running my fingers through his blonde curls.

"You tell Uncle Tace he die, and Mama say you die and go to heaven." This kid was way to smart for his own good, and apparently a great fake sleeper because when I told Trace that her Dad died he looked passed out to me. Why did we have to be the parents to the genius kid? How do I get out of this without harming the kid? I couldn't lie to him, and I wasn't about to tell him that her father went to heaven because that would be the last place he would end up, and I didn't want him to think he was going to die.

"In a long long long long time, me and Mama will go to heaven, and then in a long long long long long time after that you'll go to heaven to come see us," I said hoping that was all that needed to be said about that matter.

"But I in the hopsitle."

"And we're going to go home in the morning. You feel better right?"

He nodded his head and rolled over on top of me, "My tummy no huwt."

"See, that's because the hospital is a good place, they make you feel all better!"

"But I wanna go to heaven to see Uncle Fwankie..."

"Someday we'll all go see Uncle Frankie, but not now...he sees you all the time."

"I know, Mama tell me."

"Speaking of Mama," I said taking this as a good time to change subjects from death and heaven with my one and a half year old to something lighter, "I bet if you go to sleep right now, when you wake up Mama will be here."

"I have bwankie Dada?"

"We left blankie at home, but you can snuggle with your old man..."

"Who old man?"

I laughed realizing that as intelligent as he is, sometimes he really does act his age and doesn't understand everything, "I'm your old man."

"No...Mama say you sexy."

"Your mother is a smart woman...come on," I said picking him up off my chest and putting him down next to me, "let's go to sleep it is so past your bedtime. Don't tell Mama I let you stay up okay?"

"Pwoimse," he replied putting his head on my chest and his thumb in his mouth. It didn't take him very long to fall asleep, and once I knew he was out I grabbed the remote to put Sports Center on. He was half way back to his old self, which eased my worries a lot, though it was still upsetting that I was lying in my son's hospital bed. The doctors came in almost immediately after to take the IV's out of his little hand, and lucky for us he stayed asleep.

"You've got a smart one on your hands," one of the nurses said to me as she filled out a chart once the doctor left.

"He's a little too smart for his own good sometimes."

"You handled it well..."

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh...sorry we came to take his IV's out and we heard you talking to him about heaven. We didn't want to interrupt. I was just surprised I guess, you gave him all the right answers..."

"Thanks...I guess?" I didn't really know where she was going with this or why she heard the conversation I had with my son. Was I supposed to take that as a compliment or was she insinuating that I failed miserably at explaining death and heaven to my own kid.

"No...sorry I'm probably being rude right now. It's just that we have a lot of celebrity kids come here, and a nanny or a bodyguard, not their parents, usually escorts them. Then you just stroll in here, one of the biggest celebrities around right now, and you're nice and respectful to everyone and to see you lying in bed with your son explaining life and death to him...it was a breath of fresh air. He obviously loves you, and I'm sorry I ever had any harsh feelings towards you just because you're a celebrity parent. You definitely proved me wrong, I mean I wish I could talk to my kids like that with such ease."

"Thank you," I replied, "That actually means a lot to me."

"Well, as long as he doesn't throw up again tonight he should be good to go in the morning," and with that she left the room.

I must have fallen asleep soon after, and I stayed asleep for the rest of the night before being woken up to Brayden jumping on the bed and hearing Marissa quietly try and scold him. "Stop jumping Bray let Daddy sleep..."

"I'm up, I'm up," I said stretching and realizing I was the only one in the hospital bed, "Why am I in this bed, and you," I said grabbing Brayden and picking him up over my head, "are not?"

He laughed a big gut laugh while I hung him over my head and that made me feel so much better knowing that he was getting back to his old self. "We go home now!"

"Go sit with Uncle Trace while me and Daddy finish in here okay buddy?" Marissa said pointing to Trace sitting on the couch in the hallway. He ran over to him and I watched Marissa close the door behind him. I threw my feet over the bed so that I was now sitting and she sat down next to me after placing a kiss on my temple not saying a word. She has had a rough few days, and I could tell just by looking at her that she was completely drained. I wasn't sure how long she's been here or how everything went at home, but I knew now wasn't the time to ask any of those questions. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and placed a kiss on the top of her head as she put it on my chest. We haven't had a moment like this in a really long time, a moment where it's silent and we're able to speak to each other without even using words. She was tired, and looked almost as if she were as fragile as a porcelain doll. The look on her face brought me back to when we first met and I came face to face with this amazing woman who was lost and didn't know which direction to turn.

"We'll get through it," I finally said after I felt my shirt get wet from drops of tears. She hasn't cried for any reason other then happiness for a really long time, and it's been a relief for not only her but for me as well that she's had nothing to cry about. I knew that she didn't want to start again, but sometimes life throws you curveballs that you just can't handle. She nodded her head and wiped tears off of her face before she looked up at me with a smile that I knew she was faking. Deep down she wanted to explode and just cry for a few hours, let everything out but she was trying to hide it from the world that she wasn't okay, that she wasn't able to be the perfect mother, fiancé, songwriter, and friend right now. For the past couple of years she's prided herself on that and she didn't want to let that go. "It's okay to cry you know that right?"

"I know," she replied reaching for a tissue to blow her nose, "but I don't want him to see me like this. I can't do this here. I'm going to go splash some water on my face, can you go sign his release forms and I'll meet you in the car?"

"Of course," I kissed her nose and she wrapped her arms around me tightly. I rubbed her back until I felt her sigh signaling that she was okay for now, that was the one thing in this world that I knew could make her calm down eventually.

After signing a million release forms and picking up a prescription at the drug store, we got home about an hour later. As much as Brayden wanted to go play with Trace we were told he had to lay low for a while and with much convincing we got him to lay on the couch with Trace and watch Finding Nemo. As soon as we walked in the door Marissa threw her keys on her key hook and went upstairs to our room making sure the door was closed behind her presumably to make sure Brayden didn't see her as anything other then superwoman. After checking to make sure Bray was settled in, I grabbed Marissa luggage out of the trunk and made my way upstairs. Before hitting the bedroom door I heard music and things being thrown. She was at her breaking point. I opened the door and saw her in nothing but a bra and panties throwing my clothes in a suitcase. I was supposed to be leaving today for New York, but she didn't know that I had cancelled everything until after the wedding. I had talked to Johnny yesterday after my son told me that he didn't want me to leave him anymore and told him that I was putting my foot down, and everything was to be pushed back, no if's and's or but's about it. Closing the door behind me I walked in between the closet and the bed where the suitcase was lying open and she practically ran me over when she went to throw a tie into it.

"I'm just...I'm just trying to get you packed up..."

"I'm not going anywhere, come sit."

"You have to catch a flight to New York in three hours Justin there really isn't time for any of this right now," she replied throwing the tie around me and somehow making it into the suitcase, "how many button downs do you need? How many meetings do you have?"

"None, and none. Ris come here you don't need to be doing this right now I'm not going anywhere, come tell me about home." She wasn't listening she kept throwing things around me and I'm pretty sure I saw a sweater fly past my head and the last time I checked it was the middle of June. "Marissa," hat, gloves, scarves, "MARISSA," I yelled grabbing her wrist preventing her from throwing the next thing in her hand. She stopped and threw herself at me, practically melting into my arms.

"I can't do it anymore," she cried, "I can't..."

"Shhh," I said kissing her head and rubbed my hand up and down her back, "come on, come talk to me." I scooped her up and put her down on the bed and I laid down next to her as she put her head on my chest while she wrapped her arm around my torso. "Tell me about Boston, and then I'll tell you all about my week."

"I feel like I'm breaking Justin," she said after a few moment, "I'm being pulled in a million different directions and I can't do one thing to the best of my ability without hurting someone else or slacking on another obligation. I'm one person...I'm one fucking person, and I can't do it all anymore I just can't. The minute everything is going great something else has to go wrong. I buy a dress and my father dies, I agree to stay for the services and Brayden goes to the hospital. I'm supposed to have two days with you but I end up having none. Brayden needs me, you need me, my friends need me, my family needs me, I need to finish planning the wedding, Christina and I are starting to work on her next album...I just can't anymore. I'm so tired, I'm tired of everything. I didn't even cry...not one single tear fell from my face and my father is dead. I'm actually happy that he is dead. I thought it was all finally over, I thought that it wouldn't bother me but it still does. I had no father, I'm jealous of my own son because he has a father. A father that will explain heaven to him, and sleep with him in his hospital bed because he doesn't have his blankie to hold onto. I'm the mother that can stand there and watch this happen and then run away because I can't handle it. It's never ending, I just need it to end. I don't want to cry about it, I don't want to cry about anything. I just I need some sense of normalcy again because right now everything is utter chaos and I'm losing my damn mind."

I let her cry, for a really long time. I let her sob to the point where it was hard to catch her breath and she would hiccup. She needed to let it all out, and me saying something at that moment wouldn't allow her to do that. She has been going non-stop since we moved here, and for some reason I couldn't see that it was taking a toll on her, but from this point on things were going to change. After about an hour I felt her grip on my shirt loosen and her tears were no longer falling. I was running my hands through her hair when she finally looked up at me.

"How about I go run a bath, and we can go sit in it, talk, and relax for the rest of the day."

"That sounds amazing...but what about Bray?" she asked just as I stood up.

"Trace has him."

"Okay. I'm just going to go make sure they're okay down there and I'll be right back up..."

 She came back up a few minutes later and I was already half asleep in the tub. I dimmed the lights, lit a bunch of candles, and got the water to be at the perfect temperature before I turned the jets on and got in. I watched her close the bathroom door behind her and untie her robe letting it fall to the floor. It was only then that I noticed that she had lost a lot of weight. I knew that she was working hard and struggling to loose the last five pounds she had gained from being pregnant but there was now no doubt in my mind that she had lost that plus probably an extra fifteen. I knew she wasn't starving herself or that she had purposely dropped down to a weight this low, it was just stress and the fact that she was doing too much all at once. She stepped into the tub and sat in front of me lying her back against my chest letting out a sigh. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her temple leaning my chin on her shoulder. We haven't been close like this for a very long time. With both of our schedules and Brayden we don't have time for ourselves anymore, and even though we still have sex on a pretty normal basis, in a way it's become routine. And even though right now I want nothing more then to turn her around and have her on top of me, I know now isn't really the time.

"I pushed the album back, and cancelled everything until after the wedding," I said expecting her to yell at me, or scold me for doing that. In her eyes even though she knows family comes first, work is a very close second and we had a schedule that worked so anytime I'd bring up pushing things back or cancellations she'd get mad.

"Thank you," she replied without putting up any kind of fuss.

"I'm going to help you more with Brayden, and planning the wedding, and I think maybe you should talk to Christina about either putting the album on hold or using some of the stuff you've already finished, and maybe we can go back to that therapist we were referred to when we first moved out here just to sort some of this stuff out."

"I think that's a good idea."

"And you'll get some rest," I said wrapping my legs around her, "and you won't be so stressed out," I placed a small kiss on her ear and bit down gently on her lob, "and we can get back to the way things were before LA took over our lives."

"I'd really like that," she replied running her hands up and down my legs, "I love you J. Thanks for understanding and letting me throw a hissy fit."

"I love you too baby girl, and we all deserve a day to throw a hissy fit every once and a while."

"I can't wait to marry you..."

"And I can't wait to call you my wife."

The last three years has been one of the longest, curviest, craziest roller coaster rides I've ever been on. I've managed to feel every emotion that a single person could possibly feel in a lifetime in the past one thousand and ninety five days. I started off as a nobody. A college student living paycheck to paycheck with dreams of one day moving to California, to get away from a life that I had nothing but hate and resentment towards and rent a small run down one bedroom apartment and work an entry level job to pay off my student loans doing something that I loved. I would get away from my family who used and abused me. I would be able to walk down the street without fearing for my life. I could attempt to be happy again.

Now...well now I'm someone I never thought I could be. I mean something to a slew of people; in fact I mean the world to two very special people. I carry many different titles that I never imagined would be attached to my name including but not limited to, friend, songwriter, activist, sister, daughter, fiancé, mother, as of a month ago Godmother to my best friends daughter, and in a few short, yet long awaited hours, wife. It's taken me a while to get to this point. 24 years, heartbreak after heartbreak, obstacle after obstacle, but I'm here now and I have many people to thank for getting me here but I know without one in particular there is no way in hell I would even be close to the place that I'm in today.

We flew to Boston three days ago on a private jet that took off at 3:00 in the morning to avoid being spotted. As sneaky as it was, I don't think either of us thought about what it would be like to try and get a sleeping kid on a plane in the middle of the night along with all of our luggage and personal belongings. Needless to say Brayden woke up before we even got to the airport and cranky isn't even half as bad of a word as what he actually was. We somehow managed to get here safely and have gone unnoticed for the past few days due only to the fact that we haven't really left the house at all. Trace and Amy came to stay with us and if we needed anything one of them would go out and get it for us, and once Lynn and Paul came into town we also had permanent babysitters. I never imagined that I'd be cooped up in a house for three days just to make sure I can have privacy at my own wedding.

We sent out engagement party invitations two weeks ago, and to this day 75% of the people that were invited really do think that we just got engaged and this is what the party is for. Justin is set to make a "live announcement via satellite from his office in LA" about our "recent" engagement that was all actually prerecorded before we left for Boston.

I woke up this morning to an empty bed and an empty house. Justin slipped out late last night to stay at Trace's with Brayden, and even though Amy said she would stay with me I just felt like I needed my last night as a single woman to be by myself. I threw the crisp white sheets off of me and walked downstairs into the piano room after stopping to pour myself a cup of coffee. It was in this room that everything turned upside down for the better. Looking out the bay windows I had to squint because the sun was so bright to see people walking up and down the sidewalk just like they do everyday. To them this was just another day in their lives, a normal routine. To me, this was the day I'd been waiting for my entire life. 

I smiled to myself while thinking back on the journey that got me here today. How a pop superstar that I'd daydreamed about since I was 12 is going to become my husband today. How I ran away from him the moment I met him...how I ran away from him time and time again until I finally allowed myself to love him. How we've somehow managed to get through some of the most stressful times of our lives together. I looked down and saw a couple walking hand in hand down the street and subconsciously said a little prayer for them to one day find happiness in one another, and to know that you can get through anything life throws at you as long as that person is by your side. Taking a sip of my coffee I looked up and saw that there was only one cloud in the sky located right in my line of view. I don't know if it was me or if the rest of the people walking below me realize that that cloud was smiling down on us.

***

I pulled my Red Sox hat down lower onto my head in hopes that it would cover my face enough to not be recognized before I opened the car door and stepped out onto the green grass that was still a little wet from yesterdays rain. I walked past stone after stone, name after name before coming to a spot that I use to frequent at least once a week when I lived here. I placed a bouquet of flowers, the same ones that would be used as my bridesmaids flowers in my wedding, into a whole I dug in the ground and ran my hand over the engraved marble stone in front of me. Sitting down in the same spot that I always did I took a deep breath not knowing where to begin this time.

"Most days are still really hard for me. Things happen and I more often then not I pick up the phone and dial your number not realizing until I get your voicemail that you're not here anymore. It's even harder when Brayden asks when he's going to get to meet you and we have to explain to him that you're in heaven and he won't get to anytime soon. But I've finally realized that even though you may not physically be here, you're always with me. You've been smiling down on me and guiding me down this amazing road this whole time. And even though I'd give anything to actually have you with me, especially today, I know that it won't happen and the fact that I can still be happy even without you here makes me know for sure that what I'm about to do in five hours is the best thing that will ever happen to me. I miss you, more and more everyday, but damnit Frankie I'm finally happy. Things happen that use to fuck up my mood and somehow I figure out a way to get through it without having a nervous breakdown. I wish you were here to experience this with me, but I know that you've got a good view of the action up there and I know that you're happy too. Thank you for everything."

It was the first time I sat there and didn't cry. Even as I got up thirty minutes later and walked away there was a smile on my face because everything was falling into place. There was no way to get him back and once I accepted that, I realized that there really was no point in crying because he's gone. He was right when he said I should be smiling because he was here. I got to my car and turned around to see his headstone off in the distance before taking one last look at him smiling down on me in the sky.

Not five minutes later did my cell phone start to ring. I blindly rummaged through my purse as I drove down Tremont Street and managed to answer just as it was going to my voicemail.

"Hello?"

"Are you playing run away bride or something Marissa? It's really not that bad married life, I mean it's like you said it's just another ring on-"

"Shut up Amy I'm on my way back to the house I just had to make a pit stop," I interrupted her before she went on any further with her rant, "I'll be back in five minutes."

"Oh thank God! Don't ever scare me like that again, I thought I was going to have to break Justin's heart!"

"You are something else Am, see you in 5," and with that I hit the end button and drove through Beacon Hill one last time before I was a married woman.

***

Amy and I sat on my bed with the TV tuned into E! and a bucket of popcorn in between us. My hair and makeup had been done to fit the queen and I threw on a pair of white terry cloth pants and one of Justin's T-Shirt's to watch his big announcement. The outside of Justin's office building was currently on the screen and in front of it had to be at least 50 reporters and new station cameras. Our plan was working to a tee. Jason Kennedy was reporting live, and mid sentence they cut to Justin sitting at his desk, and I couldn't help but laugh. He said word for word exactly what I had written down weeks ago that I made him rehearse over and over again before we'd go to sleep at night to make sure it sounded unscripted and from the heart. After he finished they cut back to the outside of his building and for the next 15 minutes we sat there and watched people scramble to try and get a glimpse of him walking out of the building. By the time they realized he wasn't coming out, we'd be married, and although it kind of upset Justin to lie to his fans he knew that they would forgive him eventually.

"I can't believe how calm you are," Amy said as I checked to make sure I had everything I needed before making my way to the venue to put my dress on and become Mrs. Timberlake, "I was flipping out right before Trace and I got married."

"I know...I was there remember?"

"Gotta be honest, I don't remember much from that day."

"That's because we all got piss drunk."

"That is a very good explanation Miss. Mitchell."

"Did you seriously just call me Miss Mitchell Am?"

"It's the last time I'm going to be able to do that, so yes," she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck squeezing as tight as she could, "I'm so happy for you Maris. So fucking happy!"

"Thanks lady," I replied squeezing her back, "now are you ready, because if I wait another minute I might explode."

"Let's go get you married."

***

My master plan did not end at the taped live announcement of our engagement. If anyone were to suspect anything were actually going down, all the clues would point to us having a wedding and reception at the Ritz since everything involving Justin that has taken place in Boston was held there. I worked it out so that a huge white tent would be set up in the garden area, and they also put out barricades to make it look like something was about to happen. In reality we weren't even stepping foot anywhere near the Ritz today. The location on the invitation for our "engagement party" was the Liberty Hotel, but once people got there they were going to be shuttled to a church in the town that I grew up in. While neither Justin or myself have been practicing our religion devoutly lately, it was really important to me to be married somewhere that I spent a lot of time in as a kid, and really grew up in and felt safe in.  

Amy and I pulled up to the church and I took one last deep breath before turning the car off and pulling the keys out of the ignition. I decided to get ready there instead of at our house to avoid any unwanted attention, and pulling up in a car instead of a limo would help as well.

Amy and I walked into the church and I was completely taken aback. I thought I was prepared for what I would see when I walked in since I planned the whole thing, but I was very wrong. There were flowers adorned with crystals everywhere I turned, and I was amazed to see that the florist actually understood everything that I wanted and was able to make my vision a reality. All I told her was that I was going for a gothic feel with deep red roses and the occasional black one thrown in here and there, and somehow she made my dream come true.

The church wasn't tiny by any means and there was no way that our 200 guest would fill it up, but the way it was decorated made it look like those 200 people would make it look packed to capacity. I walked up to the alter and ran my hands over the two kneelers that Justin and I would be standing in front of in a couple of hours committing our lives to each other and I expected to feel nerves or even question myself slightly but I didn't. I felt a sense of relief, and a smile immediately appeared on my face. This was happening, this was the happiest day of my life, this was right.

"I hope you're not thinking of bolting, because you know I won't let you do that right?" I jumped startled by Amy's voice behind me.

"I've been running my whole life, and for the first time ever I can assure you that I've left my running shoes at home today...plus, after all this planning I wouldn't run even if I knew it was wrong."

"That sounds promising! I'm glad you're in this for the right reasons," she said laughing. "Trace just called they're leaving in ten minutes so we should probably get you out of sight and get you ready."

"They have the kids right?" I asked smiling as I pictured Brayden pulling a little red wagon down the aisle with Kylie inside.

"Well we don't have them so I should hope so."

"Hoping and knowing are two very different things with those two Amy...it's Justin and Trace we're talking about, if I hadn't called Justin this morning he probably would have forgot his Tux, and if you don't remind him on a daily basis Trace would probably forget that he even had a kid."

"Valid point," she replied taking her cell phone out of her purse and grabbing my hand with her free one pulling me back down the aisle and into the meeting room downstairs. From the one sided conversation I could hear I'm going to assume that I wasn't a lunatic in asking if they had the kids. My favorite line was, "He's one and a half Trace! It's not Brayden's job to remind you to bring your own daughter with you!"

While Amy continued with her lovers quarrel with Trace I walked over to a garment bag hanging on the back of the door and unzipped it to reveal my dress that I bought a few months before. It was an off the rack Ivory Monique Lhuillier strapless beauty. The corset had a sweetheart neckline and it was covered in Swavorski Crystals, while the princess A-Line skirt was plain except for the crystals lining the bottom, and the train was something to die for. I'd been imagining putting this dress on since I bought it and after running my fingers over the corset I couldn't wait any longer. I practically ripped my clothes off and began to pull it off the hanger before Amy hung up and decided it was time to help me. She helped me step into my dress in silence and stood there in almost as much awe as I was staring at myself in the full-length mirror. I can't tell you how long we stood there for, but I can tell you that neither one of us said a word until we heard the door of the meeting room open behind us, and a gasp come from Luke's mouth causing us both to whip our heads around and look at him.

"Holy shit Marissa..."

"Bad?" I asked scrunching up my nose.

"Yeah, that probably wouldn't be the word I would use. You look incredible." He walked into the room closing the door behind him and gave me a hug careful not to touch my hair that took about two hours to curl and put into place. "Are you ready for this?"

"I've never been more ready for anything in my life."

"Well good because I think Justin is about to run down the aisle. If I didn't know any better I'd think he was on drugs right now."

"He better not be on drugs," I said seriously. I knew Justin smoked weed here and there especially when he was recording new music, but we're getting married today and I want him to be fully present, not off in space thinking my face is a lion or something.

"Calm down killer, he's not. And look I come bearing gifts, sent by your future husband," he said holding out a box wrapped in silver wrapping paper. We agreed no gifts, knowing damn well that both of us were going to buy each other something. This time I knew for sure that what I got him he didn't have, and would absolutely trump any gift anyone has ever given him in life. I took the box out of Luke's hand just as the door opened again and the pitter-patter of little feet came running in my direction. I looked down just in time to see Brayden latch onto my leg and hold on for dear life. I managed to pull his arms from around my leg and squatted down in front of him to give him a hug.

"You wook pwetty Mama," he said as he backed away from me. The one thing that always made my heart melt was a little kid in a tuxedo, and this little kid turned my heart into mush. He looked so dapper in his second custom made William Rast suit, and the little bow tie was killing me, not to mention the fact that he was wearing sneakers that matched his dad's.

"You don't look too bad yourself kid," I replied with a huge smile, "do you want to help me open my present?" He shook his head no and pursed his lips together as if he were trying really hard to keep a secret. "And why not?"

"I KNOW WHAT IT IS!" he screamed and I was sure that everyone in the building was able to hear him.

"Shhh, no yelling Bray, how do you know what it is?"

"I help Dada pick out!"

"You did? That makes it extra special then," he nodded his head and ran over to Luke stretching his arms above his head to let him know that he wanted to be picked up. Luke bent down and threw Brayden in the air before catching him and placing him on his hip. I slid my finger under the tape to carefully unwrap the box, and before I opened it I looked up to see Amy and Luke staring at the box with about as much anticipation as I had. "You guys are scaring me...is something going to pop out at me and scare the daylights out of me?" Everyone just looked at me not saying a word. Luke nodded his head towards the box scolding me for not opening it, which made me snap out of it and start to open it. I unveiled a blue suede jewelry box and knew instantly that I was probably holding thousands of dollars worth of diamonds in my hand. I popped open the lid on the box to reveal stunning teardrop diamond earrings that had to be at least 4 karats a piece. We went to pick out wedding jewelry the other day and I saw these earrings and nearly fainted but decided we should probably not go overboard with the money just because we could and get smaller ones instead, and that little fucker went right back to that jewelry store to pick out the ones I really wanted.

"Well...are you going to put them on?" I looked up to see Lynn standing next to Amy and Luke holding another box in her hand. I was so surprised by the earrings that I hadn't even heard her come in. I wanted to answer her, and I wanted to put the box down to put the earrings on but for some reason it was at that moment that I realized how big today was. I'd been laid back about it since I woke up, but standing here in my wedding dress with my best friends, my son, and my future mother in law I was paralyzed. Lynn walked over to me and took the box out of my hand before unhooking the earrings and getting on her tiptoes to put them in my ears. She stepped back after putting the back in the last one and smiled at me with tears in her eyes. "I never thought I'd see this day," she said letting her tears fall.

"Don't you start," I said laughing, "because if you start you know I'll start, and I can't start yet."

"Oh God...okay, alright I'm stopping," she said crying even harder, "I swear I'm trying...here, here open this."

She handed me the box she was holding in her hand and brushed the tears that were falling off of her face. I held my breath in hopes that it would help to hold my own tears back and pulled the top off of the box. "Oh Lynn," I said in almost a whisper.

"Now don't get too excited, you can't keep them but let me tell you why," she said pulling out the shoes that were in the box. "I wore these when I married Paul. Justin was so little but he was just enamored with these shoes when I took him shoe shopping with me so I had to buy them even though they were blue and not white like my dress. They're pretty old, twenty-five years old to be exact but they're just your size and to you, they're new. So I want you to wear these today, but you've got to return them to me tomorrow."

I felt more tears welling up in my eye ducts. Mother's are supposed to do this with their daughters, the whole something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue thing. My mother and I had gotten a little closer since my fathers passing but I knew that this would be an experience that wouldn't happen on my wedding day, at least I didn't think it would. "Thank you," I said letting a tear fall and wrapping my arms around her, "you don't know how much this means to me."

"It's the least I could do for the daughter I always wanted," she replied backing away, "you look absolutely stunning Marissa, so don't you go off crying now and ruin your makeup! I have to go get back to my son, make sure he looks presentable."

"Okay," I said knowing that she just wanted to leave so that we'd both stop crying, "Brayden go back to Daddy with Grandma Lynn okay? And give him this," I picked the white envelope I had put Justin's gift in last night out of my purse and handed it to my son giving him a big kiss and hug, "I'll see you out there okay buddy? I love you!"

"Wuv you to Mama," he yelled running to the door that Lynn was holding open for him. I watched the door close behind them and suddenly everything became more pronounced. I could hear the air coming out of the vent above me, and the huge grandfather clock behind me ticking at a steady rate. I could feel my heart start beating faster and it almost felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. My vision became a little blurry and I can only imagine the look on my face because within seconds Amy and Luke were escorting me to the closest chair to sit down and put a glass of cold water in my hands. I hadn't eaten all day besides the popcorn that Amy and I devoured earlier, the thought never really crossed my mind to sit down and actually eat a meal, but after a few minutes I could finally see straight again and I was up asking questions and getting ready to walk down the isle.

We were about to head back upstairs to the main church area when Luke's phone rang loudly in his pocket. Amy was touching up my makeup while he answered it and nearly fell down when she heard Luke scream, "SHE DID WHAT?!" into the phone. I knew the phone call was going to come, and to be honest I was a little surprised it hadn't come sooner. I was never a good secret keeper; I'm an awful liar so people could read my face when I was trying to keep something from them. But this time, I was able to keep this secret from every single person in my life. Luke turned, looked at me and he practically had to pick his mouth up off the floor before he could speak to me. "You...you got..."

"Yep," I nodded.

"How did you...you didn't even..."

"Nope," I was trying so hard to hold back the smile that was forming on my lips.

"What? What did you do?" Amy asked looking back and forth from me to Luke.

"I just bought Justin a wedding present that's all."

"He's flipping out over cuff links?"

"She bought him a fucking golf course," Luke replied still stunned, the phone still glued to his ear. I let out a laugh and a huge smile unable to hold it in anymore. I was finally able to pull off a surprise, and I was finally able to get Justin something he didn't even know he wanted.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Amy screamed staring at me in disbelief.

"I bought him a golf course," I replied like it was no big deal, " you can't buy Justin Timberlake cuff links on his wedding day, that just wouldn't cut it."

"Marissa Mitchell...you bought him a golf course and didn't tell anyone?"

"That I did...is he mad?" I asked looking away from Amy at Luke who hasn't said anything more then 'holy shit' the past two minutes.

"I'm pretty sure he's crying out of pure joy right now," he said with the phone still plastered to his ear, "want to hear?"

"NO," I practically yelled, "I'm not suppose to talk to him before the wedding...I don't want to jinx it. Just...just tell him I love him and I can't wait to marry him okay?"

I watched Luke intently while he relayed the message, and I saw his face scrunch up at Justin's response. "Justin says after that gift you better be ready for hours worth of mind blowing sex tonight."

"He is such a fucking perv," I replied with a smile, "I'm marrying a perv!"

***

The moment of truth has finally arrived. I watched Amy walk out the door after giving me a hug, and I heard gasps and cheers when I can only assume Justin walked out to the alter from the side door with Trace. The 8-piece orchestra continued to play and I heard "oooh's" and "ahhh's" when Brayden walked down the isle with Kylie. I then heard Brayden scream "Dada" and the entire congregation start to laugh. I knew that I was next, and I looked myself over one last time to make sure everything was where it was suppose to be. My hands were shaking and I could feel tears already welling up in my eyes, but I was so ready to start my new journey of being a wife. Luke squeezed my hand just as the wedding coordinator for the church opened the door to a backroom that I was hiding in.

"You're up!" she said with a smile I'd imagine she saves only for the brides she's dealing with.

"Ready?" Luke asked.

I looked up at him with what I'd like to think was elation in my eyes, "Ready," I said as I linked my arm through his. "Don't you dare let me fall..."

"I'm not letting go until your hand is securely in Justin's...now lets go get you married."

I nodded to the coordinator letting her know it was okay to open the doors. With a quick hand signal the orchestral swiftly went from playing Cannon in D to the Wedding March. I took one final big breath and willed myself not to cry, knowing damn well that that was absolutely an impossible feat for me to accomplish. I heard everyone stand up and the woman said a quick 'Good Luck' to me before she opened the huge brown Mahogany doors exposing me to my 200 surprised guests. Right before the doors opened completely I closed my eyes, thinking I would feel too overwhelmed to even walk if I saw everyone right away. I heard people gasp, and start whispering to one another and I felt Luke squeeze my hand signaling me to start walking.

I expected to look around to everyone when I opened my eyes, see the look on everyone's face before I started to my future, but when I opened my eyes it was almost like everyone else disappeared and the only two people in the room were me and Justin. My eyes went directly to his and from far away I could see a puddle of tears forming in them. I saw his chest go up and down when he took a huge breath, and the biggest smile I've ever seen was on his face as I walked towards him. As for me, everything stopped. I could no longer hear any music, and the whispers of the 200 people were suddenly muted. The tears that were forming in the back of the church suddenly decided to come to a halt, and there was a smile plastered to my face. The closer I got to Justin the faster I wanted to walk, and I'm pretty sure I sped up because I snapped out of my daze when Luke pulled on my arm to slow down. It seemed like days before we reached Justin but once Luke shook his hand and put my hand in his my future began.

"Hi," I whispered as we walked up the stairs to the alter.

"You look...God you look stunning."

"You're not lookin' too bad yourself," I replied handing my flowers off to Amy, my hands beginning to shake a little less. I reached up with my thumb and wiped a tear that was falling down his cheek, "Don't do it...because then I will and we all know where that will lead us."

He laughed taking my hand in his and we turned to the priest who was waiting patiently for us to realize that we were actually in the middle of a wedding. "Ready?" he asked us, and we both just looked at each other and nodded. We opted for a ceremony instead of a full mass, but we still had to go through all of the readings and a homily before we could say our vows. The entire time we were waiting I felt Justin's thumb rubbing the back of my hand and from time to time I'd look over at him, get butterflies in my stomach and smile at the man that was about to be my husband. It almost felt like I was having an outer body experience. I was getting married. I was allowing another person into my life. This was a day I can honestly say I never thought would come.

When the priest asked for us to stand up and everyone else to stay seated my heart started to beat a little faster. It wasn't nerves, or fear or doubt though. It was pure joy and happiness. We faced each other knowing what was about to happen and I couldn't help myself when I leaned in to kiss him, but stopped when everyone, and I mean everyone that was in the church screamed "NO!" We both backed away hysterically laughing, and looked over at the priest waiting anxiously for him to continue.

"Don't skip ahead," he said jokingly before asking for the rings. Brayden came running up to the alter from his seat with Lynn and Paul and handed him the pillow with the rings on it, then gave both Justin and I a hug and a kiss before running back. He handed Justin my ring and he repeated after the priest, "I, Justin Randall Timberlake, take you, Marissa no middle name Mitchell to be my wife." Everyone started laughing because still, three years later he's yet to let me live down the fact that I have no middle name. I looked up at him with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes before he continued. "I promise to be true to you, in good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. I will love you, and honor you, all the days of my life." With that he slid the ring on my finger and squeezed my hand before letting go of it so that I could take his ring from the priest.

"I, Marissa...no middle name Mitchell," I started before realizing I was about to break down and start hysterically crying, "take you, Justin...I have a middle name Timberlake, to be my husband." The tears were now streaming down my face, and his hand was shaking in mine, "I promise to be true to you, in good times and in bad. In sickness and health," and then I went completely off the book, shocking everyone including myself. "I promise to support you in everything that you choose to do. I promise to have Sports Center ready for you when you get home everyday, and I promise to cook you breakfast at least once a week. I promise to trust you, and I promise to let you break down any wall that I may build up. I promise to be the hand to help you, to give you an ear to vent to, and I promise to give you my heart to love. I promise to be your partner, and your best friend forever, and I even promise to TRY and deal with your love for the Lakers," I said sporadically through sobs never taking my eyes off of his. "I promise to love you, and honor you, all the days of my life."

"Well that was a little off topic but we'll accept it," the priest laughed after I slipped Justin's ring on his finger. "Here it is...the moment we've all been waiting for. Everything has built up to this. The words we've all been longing to hear," we were all laughing, but I was about to jump on Justin whether he said the words or not any second.

"This is it," I said to Justin squeezing his hands, "this is it, this is it, this is it!"

"I now pronounce you..."

"OH WOULD YOU JUST SAY IT ALREADY?!" Justin yelled.

"Alright already! Husband and wife! Justin...you may kiss your bride." Everyone started clapping and cheering and I jumped into Justin's arms feeling his lips on mine for the first time as my husband. I thought it would feel the same, we've practiced so much over the past three years I couldn't imagine that it would feel any different just because we had rings on our fingers, but it did. I can't explain to you how it felt, besides saying it just felt like something magical. Like how you'd imagine it would feel at the end of a Disney movie when the Prince and Princess are finally together and fireworks go off and they all live happily ever after. He picked me up off the ground with his lips still on mine and spun me around before placing his hands on both of my cheeks like he did the first time he ever kissed me and pulled away.

"We're married," he said with tears still coming down his face and a huge smile on his lips.

"I love you so much!"

We turned around and for the first time I saw everyone that was in the church. It was funny to see some people wearing jeans, and others wearing cocktail dresses. No one was dressed for a wedding besides us, no one expected this. Somehow we were able to pull of the ultimate surprise. There were smiles on everyone's face, shockingly even on my mother's who must have decided to show up last minute. I turned to get my flowers from Amy, and even she was crying and practically jumping for joy. It took us forever to walk down the aisle as everyone was stopping us to give us hugs and kisses, and to tell us how shocked they were. There was only one worry in the back of my mind as we were about to walk out the doors to the waiting Rolls Royce limo, and as the wedding coordinator opened the doors I prayed a silent prayer for there to be no paparazzi outside waiting for us. I was met with a flash that blinded me and I sighed knowing that our plan didn't work, but as the black dots cleared from my eyes I saw our photographer standing in front of us, with no other cameras behind him. We pulled it off...somehow, we pulled it off.

***

We made it to the reception and took pictures while everyone enjoyed cocktail hour. I can't sit here and say I felt like a new person, or that magically all my fears and worries were taken away with a seal of a kiss. I was still the same person I was before I met Justin at the end of that aisle, and I still had all of the same responsibilities, it was just a little bit harder to run after Brayden in a wedding dress. I know that tomorrow I'm going to wake up just like I would any other day and make my son breakfast and snuggle in bed watching the Wiggles. I know that Justin and I will probably fight about something by the end of this week, and after the wedding buzz wears off we'll be back to the same old routine we were in before. But I do feel different. I feel like I've made the ultimate decision to make in life, and I chose correctly. I feel like now I could conquer anything I set my mind to, because I was able to overcome so much in the last three years to get me here today. I feel different. I feel better. I feel happy.

For our first dance we chose a song that finally said exactly how we both felt, and I can say that knowing it's the absolute truth because we wrote the song together, and it was currently the number one song on country radio. Tim McGraw was a close friend of Justin's and we asked him to sing it for us at the wedding. We were announced and as soon as we hit the dance floor the first note of the song started and Tim started singing. I wrapped my arms around my husband's neck and got lost in his eyes as we began to dance.

I never had no one
I could count on
I've been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin'
So tired of searchin'
'Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin'
I'd never known
And for the first time
I didn't feel alone
 

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend, oh yeah

"I have to tell you something husband," I said smiling as the word husband came out of my mouth.

"I like the way that sounds Mrs. Timberlake."

You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has

"Don't flip out okay?"

"Uh oh...did you save the really bad stuff until we were married so I couldn't leave?"

When my world goes crazy
You're right there to save me
You make me see how much I have

"You bet your ass I did..."

"Is it something good or bad?"
 

And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love

"I think it's something good, you may think otherwise."

"Tell me," he said dipping me and planting a kiss on my lips. Everyone started screaming like they've never seen us kiss before, and I heard Brayden yell "Ewwww," causing Justin and I to laugh at him.

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
And I don't know where I'd be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You're my best friend
You're my best friend
 

"So are you going to tell me?" he asked after I didn't say anything.

"Maybe, but it's a secret..."

You're more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do

"A wise woman once told me that secrets don't make friends..."

"Good thing I have all the friends I need then," I replied shocked that he remembered I said that so long ago. "What if I told you I had a friend for Brayden?"

Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you

"I'd say...let's make a play date? Since when have you been looking for friends for our son?"

"I haven't been..."

"I'm officially lost."

And I don't know where I'd be

"I'm pregnant," I whispered in his ear then backed away to see his reaction. It took him a minute before it registered and the look on his face was absolutely priceless.

Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense

"You're pregnant? But the champagne...when...how...holy shit..."

"It was sparkling cider. We're having a baby Justin!" I said curling his hair around my finger.

"This day can officially not get any better," he replied pulling me into a hug and picking me up off the floor to spin me around as the song ended.

You're my best friend
You're my best friend (my best friend)
You're my best friend (my best friend)

***

Never in a million years did I expect to be where I am today. If you told me three years ago where my life would take me, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. How could all of this happen to someone like me? I look around me and I see everything a girl could ever dream of. There is no hate surrounding me. There are no secrets, no lies. There have been ups and all to many downs, but right here, right now, I'm happy. It has taken me twenty-four years to actually say it, to actually feel it. Happiness. I don't know how I survived so long without it, but now that I have it I don't want to let it go, I can't let it go, I will do everything in my power to NEVER let it go.