Nine Months.

     It’s been nine whole months since the day the love of my life told me I had to move out. He told he could not forgive me, he could not move on, he needed me out of his life forever.

     It’s been eight months since I’ve seen him, and seven and a half since I’ve heard his voice.  When he first told me I had to leave he said we’d still see each other, at least every few weeks so the dogs could play together. We met up awkwardly two times and then he stopped returning my phone calls. When he finally called me back it was only to tell me that he couldn’t do it anymore because it hurt too much.

     To this day I still do not understand how being apart could hurt so much for both of us yet we’re still not together.  We were together for five years, engaged for a year before it ended. Before I fucked it up completely, I take full responsibility. I can’t get into it right now. The fact is we’ve been apart, we broke up, I hate that fucking term, but I guess it’s true. We broke up nine months ago and still a day does not go by that I wake up and don’t reach over to snuggle against him wishing he were still there with me.  He’s not, in fact he probably never will be and that’s what hurts the most.

     They say you’re allowed a month for every year you’re together to get over a break up. That would have expired four months ago for me. I honestly don’t know how my life is supposed to work without him. So far it has proven to be close to impossible. Not even to mention that it’s now the holiday season so the possibility of me not thinking of him for a whole five seconds during my week long stay back home while I’m surrounded by couples is impossible.

     I picked up my cell and dialed his number before I could even stop myself. Sure, I know I probably shouldn’t call him but I haven’t heard his voice in seven and a half months and I just need to hear his voice again. I wasn’t surprised when the voicemail picked up but even that was good enough because I still got to hear his voice, even if it was only to say “Hey, I can’t get to my phone, leave a message.” I should have hung up, but couldn’t stop myself.

     “Hi Justin, it’s… me. I know I shouldn’t be calling you but it’s just… I wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. I hope you have an amazing holiday and New Year and… ok. I miss you. I miss you so much. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be calling you.”

     I hung up the phone quickly when I heard a knock on the door and Michelle, my best friend turn roommate ever since I got kicked out of the house I was supposed to start my family in, walked in. “Hey, sorry, were you on the phone?”

     “No, it’s fine. What’s up?”

     “We should head to the airport, you don’t want to miss your flight. I heard on the news they’re doing extra security checks.”

     Christmas means I need to go home. I love my family, don’t get me wrong, but it’s the first Christmas I’m home without Justin. So that means I’m going to have to deal with everyone asking me stupid questions about it and I honestly don’t think I can take it. Not even to mention that Justin’s from a small town not so far from the small town I’m from, which means he’ll definitely be there the same time I am. We do live in the same city for the rest of the year but there is a much higher probability of running into him in Tennessee than Los Angeles. Once again, I’m not sure how I’ll be able to handle that. I think I need to go to therapy.

~*~*~*~*~*~

     Justin never called me back. I didn’t expect it, but I hoped he would. Christmas was absolutely horrible. I wished I had somehow managed to make up a story and escaped to some remote island so I could be miserable on my own. My mother must have told me ten times that she saw Justin’s mother in the city a week before. Of course she went into detail about what they talked about and what a nice lady she is. Then my father said he saw Justin at the Grizzlies game a few days before. Thanks for rubbing it in guys. I had never been more excited to get on a plane and head back to LA in my life.

     For some reason I’m always late. It’s not even my fault all the time; I just really can’t help it. But this time, it really wasn’t my fault. The stupid TSA decided to do an extra special check on me because apparently I had hidden in my bag a bottle of sunscreen. I forgot how it’s possible to make bomb with some sunscreen. Clearly I look like a terrorist. Then I thought I had plenty of time so stopped at Starbucks for a quick drink to go. It turns out they changed my terminal so by the time I got to the new terminal, on the other side of the airport, they had already finished boarding.

     I walked on the airplane, completely discombobulated when I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Justin sitting in the window seat in front of me. I felt my heart beat quickly in my throat when he saw me our eyes met for a quick second.

     “Can I help you find your seat Ma’am? We’re about to move away from the gate.”

     “Uh, yeah thanks,” I said as I handed the flight attendant my ticket and followed her to my seat in coach. It was crazy for me to think I’d make it through the whole week without seeing him, but why does it have to be when I’m stranded on a four-hour flight with him?

     All I wanted to do was break down, maybe head to the bathroom and cry my eyes out. That wasn’t possible because we were taking off in a matter of minutes, so I had to sit there trying my hardest to keep myself together.

     As soon as I could put on my iPod I did. I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything other than the fact that the man I am still madly in love with is sitting in first class, behind that curtain, so close to me, yet so far.

     I felt a tap on my shoulder and opened my eyes to see Justin’s cousin Rachael standing in front of me. “Hey Addison, how are you?”

     “Hi, it’s so good to see you.” it’s not even possible to explain how good it is to see her. Breaking up with someone is hard enough, but when you’re living with the man and engaged to him after five years a break up isn’t really only between the two of you. It’s like a whole life being taken away, all the mutual friends need to pick sides. We were always close to each other’s families, Rachael was one of my best friends and I haven’t talked to her in months.

     I stood up and gave her a hug but managed to stop the tears before they came. “You look great,” she said with a smile, “you really do, fuck I missed you so much god.”

     I laughed and hugged her again, “I missed you too, what the fuck?”

     “How are you doing?”

     “OK. How are you? How’s everyone?”

     “Fine. So look do you want to uh… switch spots?”

     “Yes,” I answered far too quickly, “I do, but I don’t want him to…”

     “It was his idea,” she broke in, “He wants to talk to you.”

     “Really?”

     She nodded her head and smiled, “Really.”

     “Good or bad because I really can’t take…”

     “I don’t think he’s going to pick a fight with you when we’re stranded on this place for three hours. Just go, ok? Move out of the way. Let me sit. Leave your iPod.”

     “OK,” I nodded my head nervously and took a deep breath. Why am I so nervous? I shouldn’t be.

     Rachael sat down in my seat and put the ear buds in her ears, “Well go.”

     “Yeah, OK. I’m going.”

     I walked down the aisle, the longest walk I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t know why he wants to talk to me, but I really hope it’s not to tell me I shouldn’t have called him. I already know that.

     As I finally made it to the first class curtain I heard a flight attendant in front of me, “Ma’am, I’m sorry but you’ll have to…”

     Justin was so close; I could see the back of his head. “No, but I’m…”

     His head turned around when he heard my voice and he stood up, “Oh no, she’s fine. She’s with me.”

     He said I’m with him. He hasn’t said I’m with him in forever. “I’m sorry ma’am, go ahead.”

     “Hey,” Justin smiled as he stood in the aisle, “Go ahead in, you like the window.”

     I couldn’t say anything so I just sat down next to the window. My heart feels like it’s going to explode, I can’t even explain how good it feels to be this close to him.

     “How’ve you been?”

     I took a deep breath before answering so I could calm myself down. I’ve never been this nervous around him, I need to relax. “OK. I’ve… I’ve been OK. How about you?”

     “Yeah, I’m alright,” he answered softly. There were a few seconds of silence and I watched him lick his lips nervously. He always did that and the fact that he’s as nervous as I am kind of makes me feel better. I’m not sure why, but it does.

     “I saw your mother down at the market the other day.”

     “Yeah, she told me,” he chuckled, “about once every twenty minutes.”

     “She did?” I laughed a little, still not sure why she was so nice to me when she saw me. She’s always been nice to me and always treated me like a part of the family from the first day I met her. “I thought she’d hate me.”

     “Nah, she loves you.”

     “I know but… didn’t you tell her?”

     “Yeah, of course I told her. I tell her everything, you know that.”

     “I know, that’s why I don’t really get why she was happy to see me and pulled me into a hug.”

     He licked his lips again before speaking, “My mom thinks I’m an idiot. She thinks I overreacted and made the biggest mistake of my life. So do I.”

     “So do you what?”

     “Think I made the biggest mistake of my life,” he answered softly before continuing quickly before I could react, “How was your Christmas?”

     “It sucked,” he laughed at my honesty, “It did. It was weird and lonely and just… dumb. How was yours?”

     “Yeah, it sucked. It was really fucking boring and lame. Weird without you and answering questions and not getting to escape halfway through the day to take a break and go see your family.”

     “And drive the longest way possible making a pit stop at the only bar open in a ten mile radius.” I added with a chuckle. After all the Christmases we’ve spent together we have it down to a science, I guess that’s what made this one without him so hard.

     “Yeah,” Justin chuckled, “I was going to go there but I had no excuse to sneak out.”

     “Me too, but I thought it would be too depressing to sit there all alone.”

     “Yeah,” he took a deep breath and placed his hand on mine, “It’s really good to see you Ads, I miss you.”

     “Really?”

     “Yeah, really,” he chuckled, “Of course I miss you.”

     “I miss you too,” I said as I held onto his hand.

     “How’s the dog?”

     “Sad, she’s just sad. She like lays around and doesn’t want to play or anything.”

     “She misses her man.”

     “I know the feeling.”

     Justin smiled as he held onto my hand tighter, “What are your plans for New Years?”

     “Um…” I should try and think of something real exciting so I won’t look like a complete idiot, “Probably watching Seacrest and eating Ben and Jerry’s.”

     Justin chuckled, “Sounds like fun. How about Hawaii?”

     “What?”

     “I have some time off. I could use a vacation after all that Christmas family shit. It was so damn cold down there; I could use some nice weather. So what do you say?”

     “You want to go to Hawaii? With me?”

     “Yes Ads. I miss you, so much. It’s getting to the point that I need to either go into therapy or get you back. I know it’s not that easy but maybe it is. I mean, shit Ads, we’ve been together forever. Let’s just go to Hawaii and figure it out. We’ll go surfing, lie at the beach, and go on a hike. Come on, you love Hawaii.”

     “I do. And I could really use a vacation. But I don’t know if I can go through all this again. I miss you so much. I still love you so much. I just started being able to sleep again, Justin. I’m so sorry about what happened, I made a huge mistake but you have to believe me when I tell you that kiss meant absolutely nothing.”

     “I know. I know Addison, I overreacted. I made a huge mistake. It hurt like hell but this hurts so much more. I can’t take it anymore Addison. Please. It’s Hawaii, come on, it could be worse.”

     I laughed as he put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him, “It could be much worse.”

     “Does that mean you’re coming?”

     “I’m just doing it for the dogs,” I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. This is what I missed, for the past nine months I’ve needed this so bad. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to take it all in. I don’t ever want to forget this.

     “I love you Ads.” Justin whispered into my ear.

     “I love you too Justin,” I moved the armrest that was between us up so I could sit closer to him.

     Justin leaned down and kissed me gently. I felt the way I felt the first time we kissed and felt all that corny shit that makes me never want to be away from him ever again.

     He chuckled, as we pulled apart, “We still got it.”

     “We sure do,” I giggled, “You’re such a nerd. When are we leaving for Hawaii?”

     “How long will it take you to get packed? Let’s just grab another plane when we get in to LAX. We’re already at the airport, we can get stuff in Hawaii.”

     “Or we can go home and get packed and leave tomorrow.”

     “Alright, that works,” Justin, said before pulling me on his lap, “You were always the reasonable one.”

     “Yeah right,” I laughed and wrapped my arms around him, “I’m just going to stay here like this until they make me move cause we’re landing.”

     “Sounds good to me. They’re going to have to pull you off me because I’m not going to let you go ever again.”

     “Perfect, everything’s back to the way it should be.”