Friday’s at the office that I worked at were usually pretty quiet in comparison to most other days of the week, where everyone was running around like headless chickens.People were afforded the luxury of wearing “smart, casual business attire” (jeans) and there was usually some kind of meet up after work at a bar for a drink or two….or three or…or ten.

We’d often spend the first hour or so bitching about management and then once everyone had had a couple of drinks in them and had loosened up a little, then it was usually no holds barred confession time.

At least that’s why I went.

The best part of the evening was hearing about who had a crush on whom and who was sleeping with whom and what some other person had done to be fired.This time however I was going for a different reason.

Adrian had been working with us now for about four weeks and this was going to be the first time that he was going to be at the Friday night drinks.

Adrian was, in a word “dreamy”.Just the kind of guy I always fell for.

Tall, muscular, a mop of shaggy, brown hair just long enough to be sexy, but not so long it was messy, that perfectly framed two of the most beautiful, brown eyes I had ever had the pleasure of encountering.Not only was he beyond gorgeous, but he was also lively, chatty, personable and friendly.

Having both looks and personality seemed the rarest of combinations in men these days, so even though I was totally intimidated by his perfection, I wasn’t about to let an opportunity to flirt with him go by,

I had managed to have two completely lucid conversations with him in the lunchroom on a couple of occasions and both times we’d managed to come across some common ground fairly quickly.

The day before when we’d spoken, he’d even mentioned that he would be seeing Weezer in concert that weekend who I loved.We got to talking about their music and how I hadn’t heard their latest offering yet.

Adrian’s eyes lit up and told me that he had a spare ticket he was trying to get rid of and that he first had to check with his roommate, but it was mine if I wanted to go.

I couldn’t believe it.

He took my number, hence the waiting around for a text message the night before.He was so stunning that I often had to be nudged by my friend and co-worker Estelle whenever she would catch me unabashedly staring, unblinkingly at him for long periods of time and it would cross the threshold from mesmerized to downright creepy.

He was mesmerizing though, and I couldn’t understand the general female consensus in the office that he didn’t appear to be anyone else’s type.What was everyone’s type then? Short, ugly and introverted?

Still, at least I wouldn’t be fighting anyone for him except maybe my gay work colleague and friend David, but I was pretty sure from the obvious chemistry between us that Adrian was not gay.

Anyway, not having to jostle for his attention was definitely a plus since there were many other girls in my office way more capable of stealing a man’s attention than I was, at least by my measure.

Not that I was ugly. I just felt that I was average and didn’t make as big an effort each morning as some other girls did.

Although having said that, I will admit to stepping up the effort in the hair and make up department since Adrian had started at the office.

So where was I?

Oh yes! Friday night drinks.

I hadn’t seen Adrian all afternoon, but I knew he was at work.I saw him briefly in the morning trying to navigate back to his desk from the lunch room with a cup of coffee he had filled up that little but too much and thought it best not to disturb him.

I caught glances of him every now and then as he passed my desk throughout the day, but he looked too busy to stop for conversation and besides, there would be plenty of time for that later on tonight at the bar.

I thought five o’clock might never come and I am sure it didn’t help that I was clock watching for last hour and a half of the day.

Then with just five minutes to go, I got an email. 

I am going to subject myself to Clash of the Titans, and I am not doing it alone.

I have snacks.

And terrible local beer. 

Justin. 

I snorted.“Not for the wide world,” I muttered under my breath as I hit the reply button and began typing up my response. 

Sorry, work drinks tonight.Enjoy your imported beer that tastes of juicy old gym boots.

 “You ready to go?” Estelle stood from behind her desk, slinging her bag over her shoulder and I began gathering my things.

“Yep just a sec.”

Another email popped up just as I was about to shut down my computer and I sighed. 

Is he going to be there?

I only ask because I know that if he is, you might actually stay out past 8pm. In which case I won’t wait for you to come home, I’ll just go ahead and watch the movie without you. 

God he was so smug.

Enjoy your movie. Alone, I responded and quickly shut down my computer before he could keep me there with more chatter.

“You ladies headed over to bar?”I looked up and almost gasped.

There Adrian was right in front of me.

“Yes we are, let’s do it!” Estelle chimed enthusiastically seeing that I was barely able to maintain motor function let alone speak.

I gathered up my coat and purse with some fluidity and the three of us set out of the office.

In the lift it was quiet.Estelle had already nudged me twice for staring and it was one of those elevator rides where we seemed to stop at every floor.

Adrian then turned to me on the fifth.

“Sorry I didn’t get a chance to text you last night.”He was speaking quietly and leaning in and out of the corner of my eye I could see Estelle watching us, her eyes widening a little wondering what he was suppose to have texted me about.

“Oh that’s okay…my phone ran out of battery so I probably wouldn’t have got it until today anyway,” I lied.

I don’t know why I said that.Probably to appear like I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to message me, which in reality was exactly what I had been doing.

“Oh well, my roommate is more than happy for you to take the ticket…you don’t mind if he tags along too do you?”

I would have tagged along with his mother, if it meant I got to hang out with Adrian.

“Oh yeah, of course. If you’re sure it’s okay that I tag along.”

Adrian shrugged and did this amazingly cheeky little smile.

“Trust me, he’ll be the third wheel, I’d rather hang with you than him. I have to see him everyday.”

“Oh…okay,” was about as much as I could manage and Estelle was being far from subtle as she smiled to herself in the corner of the lift.

It was suddenly awkward in the tiny space of the lift cabin and the silence needed to be filled with things like throat clearing and fake sniffling.When the doors of the elevator finally opened and we all spilled out into the Lobby, Adrian walked ahead to meet with some other male workmates.

“Was he flirting? I can’t tell, I don’t think anyone has ever flirted with me before,” I asked Estelle staring unblinkingly ahead, and shuffling feet which didn’t feel like they were on the ground.

“He was flirting alright,” Estelle confirmed, “Looks like you have yourself a date.”

“It’s not a date.”

“Call it what you want, but I bet his roommate will conveniently go “missing” before the opener had even finished playing.”

“You think so?” I asked so naïvely, having never really been privy to the whole male wing-man scenario.

“Mmm Hmm,” she nodded so very sure of herself and then we had to stop talking about it as we caught up with everyone leaving me to consider all the possibilities as we headed over to the bar. 

Michael Murphy’s or “Murph’s” as it was affectionately known to me and my work colleagues was a long standing Irish bar not more than a block away form our office building.

There wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy about Murph’s and because of this it did well enough, but never really got packed out like most New York City bars on a Friday night, but that’s what we loved about it and why we kept going back. Not that the room wasn’t always full, but at least you never had to wait to get in.

Watching Adrian while I tried to maintain my own separate conversations, I bought a round of beers and tried to loosen up.

It was Friday after all and I didn’t have anywhere to be the following day, so I drank just a little bit faster than usual, until I started to get a pleasant airiness in between my ears, and a warm glow in cheeks.

The boys from the office kept the drinks coming because for some reason which I couldn’t seem to fathom, men tended to have endless funds when it came to alcohol whereas my wallet was almost empty after just one round.

Still they didn’t seem to mind buying and David, my gay friend kept the table entertained with explicit details of the weekend just passed and what was likely to transpire on the weekend ahead.

Milo, Jonathan and Adrian talked sport while Estelle, Carmen and Sarah stuck close by me in a huddle observing the men and ribbing me about Adrian as Estelle recounted to the girls our flirty encounter in the elevator and the fact that I would be attending a concert with him, the following night.

I played it down of course, but inside I was both nervous and excited and just when my imagination began running away with me, I got a text message. 

The movie was terrible, but I just had the greatest sex of my life. How about you? 

I couldn’t help but laugh.

And I knew unless Justin knew I was laughing, he would never leave me alone until I did.

That was just him.He’d wind me up and watch me explode, but wouldn’t leave me alone until we were friends again, never dreaming of saying he was sorry. 

Good for you! I am glad. Now give those hands of yours a rest! You make a living off of those things you know? –Still working on it. 

“I wish Justin Timberlake would send me text messages,” Sarah sighed and I laughed as I put my phone away thinking if only she knew how utterly disgusting and filter less he was.

“Yeah it’s a real treat,” I said ironically, taking a long sip of beer and casting my eye in Adrian’s general direction.

I loved his listening face.

“There’s another one practically throwing himself at you and you’re too off in your little Adrian dream world to recognize it,” Estelle sighed shaking her head “and that one is RICH!”

“Justin is soooooo not anywhere near in the neighborhood of being attractive to me or being attracted to me, we don’t have that kind of chemistry, we’re just friends…and we can barely manage to be that,” I replied, tired of having to explain this to them every time the subject came up and a predictable groan filtered through the music in the bar and I could just tell Estelle was about to start preaching.

“Sophie, honey let me explain something to you okay?”

“Here we go,” I grinned sipping my beer and quickly deciding I would need a lot more.

I hated people who had never seen Justin and I interact, make judgments on our relationship purely based on the fact that he was a desirable celebrity out there in tabloid world.

“Men do not have…girls that are just friends. Honey there is always more to it than that whether y’all know it or you don’t.”

“Oh Estelle please stop talking now okay? If you had any idea about what we are like when we’re in the same room together, you would so change your mind about how male and female relationships can work.”

“Jesus Sophie, put me in a room with that boy and I’ll be more than happy to show you how male and female relationships can work,” Carmen added and I found it so odd to hear people talk about Justin that way.

It was like hearing people talk about how hot your brother was and it made me kind of uncomfortable.

“All I am saying to you is, you have thought of him that way at one point or another and he has done the same of you, whether you admit it to us or not. It’s just human nature,” Estelle shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal and I just so didn’t get her point and it was making me feel gross.

The focus was being taken off how much I really wanted Adrian, so I decided a reminder was in order.

“Ladies, I appreciate your opinions, but that one over there,” I said pointing over at Adrian, “is the only one I am interested in right now.”

I proceeded to polish off the rest of my beer and with some Dutch courage, I left my lady friends to think what they wanted about Justin, while I walked over to the other side of the bench and burrowed my way in between Adrian and David.

“Hi,” I greeted staring up at him with a pleasantly buzzed smile.

“Well look who decided to break up the tea party and join the boys,” Adrian said teasingly.

Yep. Estelle was at least right about that. He was definitely flirting.

“Yeah, I decided to come in search of more stimulating conversation.”

“Oh yeah?” He asked and “hot” was the only word you could use to describe what was going on between us, especially since I was too buzzed to be subtle.

“Yeah…what are you drinking?” I asked. The room was getting louder so I got as close to his ear as possible to me heard and couldn’t help but notice his smell.

“I’ll get it-“ he started to say, but I wanted to buy him a drink. It wasn’t so much that it was polite, but what buying a guy a drink implied that I wanted to get across.

“Adrian please, tell me what you’re drinking,” I insisted.

He smiled and took the hint.

“Corona.”

I disappeared over to the bar and ordered two shots of tequila and two Coronas with the last of my allotted drinking money, but considered it an investment.

As I weaved my way through the moderately packed bodies, he managed to find me halfway between the bar and our workmates.

“Here,” I said handing him a shot.

“What’s this,” he asked taking it, from me with a smirk.

“You said you wanted tequila,” I played dumb.

“I said I wanted Corona,” he corrected smiling knowing, that I bought the shot on purpose and I continued to play dumb.

“Oh Corona” I exclaimed tapping my forehead, “I thought you said Tequila!”

He didn’t believe for a second that I thought he has requested Tequila instead of beer, but we laughed.

“You trying to get me drunk,” he asked and my expression turned innocent.

“No! I wouldn’t dream of it, but here, have a Corona, just for good measure,” I said handing him a bottle of beer and watched his fantastic smile broaden as he laughed and accepted the drink.

“Cheers,” he declared as we clinked our shot glasses together and watched each other as we somewhat slowly knocked back what was in truth a foul tasting creation made sought after only for the affects it had on ones body and mind and certainly not for it’s taste.

I recalled in the movies when a poker face would be maintained to demonstrate that one wasn’t phased by such a grotesque flavor. I didn’t know exactly what being able to not pull the gross face would do for me, but I managed it.

The awkwardness of staring at each other while we both took beer chasers was interrupted by my phone again and I was tempted to ignore it, but it wasn’t in my nature, because my imagination was way too hard wired to imagine all sorts of emergencies that I might knowingly be ignoring.

“Sorry,” I apologized unlocking my phone to see what he wanted this time. 

Building is being evacuated. I can’t get in to get Barney and Bowser. 

I stopped and my heart sunk as I started down at my phone.

My face must have given away that something was up because Adrian immediately leaned in.

“You okay?”

In truth I wasn’t sure what was happening. I didn’t know if Justin was serious or of the extent of the severity of this evacuation, but I began to panic, thinking nobody could get into my apartment except me and the super and I doubted he would risk his life for a dog and cat.

“I think something is up at my apartment building, I have to go,” I told him hastily.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

I was frazzled otherwise I would have been touched by his sweet gesture, but I just shook my head and starting looking around for an escape route.

“No, thank you just…call me tomorrow and tell me where to meet you?” I asked and though he looked concerned he agreed.

“Sure. I hope everyth-“ the rest was drowned out by the crowd as I backed my way out of the bar and as I tried in my panic to find a cab, I was shoulder barged by someone walking in the opposite direction, sending my phone flying from my hands right out into the middle of the street where it proceeded to be flattened by a speeding fire truck speeding in the direction of my apartment building.

It was like everything was suddenly happening in slow motion including my reaction time and my alcohol addled brain was grasping to focus on what I needed to do.

I stood on the sidewalk, staring with my mouth agape at the shards in the middle of the road which used to be my precious iPhone.

I heard my name behind me and turned to find Adrian standing with a waiting cab, holding the door open.

Grateful, I ran toward him and leapt in with Adrian right behind me.

“Thank you,” I said sincerely.

“I just hope everything is okay.”

I was like a bobble head in the back seat trying to see past the traffic and buildings for signs of a fire in Soho but I couldn’t see any.

Up ahead and just a couple of blocks from my building, the driver turned to me.

“Streets blocked off, what do you wanna do?”

“Here’s fine,” I said and threw some money at him, tearing the car door open and running down the street to my building with Adrian close behind but to be honest I wasn’t too concerned about whether or not he was keeping up.

I could see fire engines, and a whole crowd of evacuated residents, but there didn’t appear to be any smoke or fire anywhere.

As I neared closer I looked around for neighbors or Justin to find out what was happening.

Instead, I stopped a fireman on his way by me.

“Excuse me, I have pets up there-“

“It’s nothing to worry about, just a burnt pot roast,” he assured me and I sighed and nodded feeling Adrian’s hands around my shoulder as I fell against him with relief.

“Okay…thanks.”

A burnt pot roast.

As people were told it was safe to go back inside, and slowly began filtering back into the lobby, I suddenly realized I was pressed against a man I knew very little about and quickly righted the situation by turning to face him.

“You so didn’t have to come with me, I am really grateful though,” I said and he shrugged coolly.

“That’s okay, I am just glad it turned out to be a false alarm…so much for getting me drunk though,” he joked and I stared up at him and laughed a little.

“Oh that’s okay there’s always tomorrow night. You...me…Weezer!”

“Right, yeah! So should I come by and pick you up or-“

“Oh no that’s okay I can make my own way there.”

“Sure, that’s cool. Okay well why don’t we meet up for a drink at around seven?”

“Okay, only…my phone…” I stumbled remembering now I didn’t have a phone where he could reach me.

“Oh right, right well in that case, I’ll just come by and pick you up and we can head over together,” he suggested.

I sighed inside. He was all about the problem solving wasn’t he?

I knew my good sense wanted me to get to know him better and wait for the rose colored spectacles to fade before making any real moves on him but-

“Do you want to come upstairs?”

It spilled from my mouth before I couldn’t even hold back and he didn’t seem at all surprised, but rather relieved.

“Yes. Yes definitely,” he agreed and I smiled up at him fixing my gaze on those amazing brown eyes when suddenly…

“How cool is it that no pets were incinerated tonight!? The building is in tact! A burned pot roast, how about that huh?”

I cringed at the sound of that voice behind me.My heart sunk in my chest at the thought of Justin spending any amount of time with Adrian, especially after stupidly telling him how obsessed with him I was.

I stood between them and Adrian smiled politely waiting to be introduced, while Justin as usual made a spectacle of himself.

I knew this would not be pretty and poor Adrian had no idea what he was in for.

“Justin this is Adrian, Adrian, Justin” I flickered my hands lazily between them both as they shook hands doing the whole manly-sizing-each-other-up-without-looking-like-they-were-sizing-each-other-up thing.

“Elevators will be jammed in the main entrance, let’s go this way,” Justin declared turning and heading down a side street near our building as we followed.

“Justin is my annoying building co-dweller, who is way too important to use the front door with everyone else, so he gets a “special entrance,” around the back,” I explained with a wry grin although I stupidly forgot who I was dealing with and quickly regretted any level of ribbing Justin while Adrian was around.

“Are we still talking about the building,” Justin asked not skipping a beat.

“Fuck you”

“I didn’t think we were,” Justin quipped as I scoffed and looked up at Adrian to make sure that he seemed aware that he was kidding. Luckily he appeared amused.

“Nice to meet you Justin.”

“Likewise, good to finally put a face to the name, all I hear about is Adrian this and Adrian that,” Justin replied like I did nothing but talk about Adrian.

This was becoming mortifying and worse still, I knew that telling Justin to “shut up” would only make it worse.

I turned to Adrian sheepish, but trying to remain cool.

“You’ll have to excuse him, he was never properly socialized.”

I prayed for a quick elevator ride.

Justin used his exclusive access key in the elevator to allow him access to the 18th and Penthouse floors, the three of us standing in a harshly lit elevator.

There was no way Justin would allow for a silent ride and the freight elevator was a slow and sometimes bumpy ride.

I tried to turn the conversation to something benign.

“So the movie sucked huh?”

Justin nodded unmoved from his corner of the elevator.

“Yeah. Kind of movie you watch alone so you can masturbate to distract from the terrible dialogue and watery plot.”

“It’s Friday, why aren’t you out on the town, snorting cocaine off a hookers ass,” I asked facetiously.

“Because evidently, I need to stay home and work on perfecting my pot roasting skills,” he replied with a half sheepish smile and my mouth dropped open before both Adrian and I burst into laughter.

“It was you? You burned the pot roast?”

“The underside is still perfectly okay it was just the top that got a little…crispy,” he explained as I fell about laughing for a moment but then it hit me.

I suddenly wondered why he would have texted me, interrupting my night out, and make me come racing home like that if he knew there was nothing to worry about.

As the elevator door dinged open I slid my fingers between Adrian’s and took his hand, leading him out of the elevator and noticed Justin’s eyes flicker down on them for the quickest moment.

“Good night Justin,” I said trying not act any differently, but I started to wonder in maybe Estelle was in fact right.

“Goodnight Soph. Nice to meet you Adrian,” he replied politely as the elevator doors slowly glided shut.

“Yeah you too, take care,” Adrian replied just as the doors fully shut, and the last thing I saw was subtle wink and smile form Justin before the doors fully shut.

I tried to push the ridiculous notion from my mind that Estelle might have had a point about Justin and I.

To distract myself, I pulled on Adrian’s hand and headed towards my apartment, fishing in my purse for my keys.

As I unlocked my door, I looked up behind me at those eyes, and I was suddenly every bit as distracted as I had intended to be.

The door glided open and he followed me inside as a beagle that had been indoors all day came bounding towards the entrance.

“Hey Barney,” I greeted as he jumped up a couple of times and then turned his attention to the pair of shoes whose scent he hadn’t had the pleasure of acquainting himself with yet.

Adrian immediately knelt down and greeted Barney, showing he was a dog person by holding out his hand for Barney to sniff before gently scratching him behind the ears and petting him head.

“Aw man I love dogs, I wish I was allowed to have one in my apartment,” he told me lifting Barney up into his lap.

“Yeah that’s kind of a deal breaker for me, if the building owners don’t allow pets,” I told him, lifting my scarf off from my shoulder and hanging it on the coat stand by the door along with my purse and jacket.

“You hungry Barney,” I asked the beagle and upon hearing the word “hungry” he immediately began trying to wriggle his way out of Adrian’s grasp and Adrian laughed, placing him on the carpet as he raced me to the kitchen.

“Make yourself at home,” I shouted out into the living room where Adrian stood orienting himself within the surroundings of my small yet, modern apartment.

“Do you want a drink?” I asked scooping out some food I had cooked up for Barney and kept in containers in the fridge. No commercial dog food for my little man!

“Sure, you having one,” he asked as I set the timer on the microwave for a minute.

“Yeah, what do you feel like?”

“I don’t know what do you have?”

“Good question,” I muttered to myself crossing the kitchen to the pantry where I kept what little liquor I had only to find that I didn’t have anything I could really offer him. No beer, no wine…just port and a Mickey of brandy I used for French cooking.

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t very well leave him there and run to the liquor store.

I made my way out of the kitchen and into the lounge room towards the hallway.

“Can you do me a huge favor,” I asked and Adrian nodded.

“Sure.”

“When the microwave dings, can you put the food in Barney’s bowl, I just have to run downstairs for one second,” I told him and he nodded.

“Okay yeah sure.”

“Great thanks. Make yourself at home!” I reminded him before grabbing my keys and rushing out the door, I caught the elevator all the way downstairs and exited the building and once out I pressed Justin’s apartment number into the intercom.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me!” I responded and the door buzzed to let me back into the apartment.

I caught the elevator up to his floor and raced to his door knocking continuously until he opened it.

When he opened the door, something happened.

It was so quick I almost missed it, but for a moment I thought my heart skipped a beat looking up at Justin standing in the hallway. Until that is when he opened his mouth.

“Out of rubbers” he enquired flatly, “I only have Magnum size, they’ll be no good for him.”

I was mistaken.

It was nothing.

“I need to borrow some alcohol.”

Justin stood aside to let me in as I rushed past him towards his kitchen.

“Geez, times are tough when you have to get a prospect drunk before you can lay them.”

“Shut up, just stop talking and help me out here.”

“What do you want? Wine?”

“Yes wine is fine.”

“Red or white?”

“I don’t care as long as it’s not Japanese, Just give me something I can easily replace, actually red…red is sexy right?”

“Yeah especially the whole stained teeth thing, gets my motor going every time,” he said reaching to the back of his liquor cupboard and pulling out a bottle that as best I could tell was white.

“Try this one, it’s very sexy” he said simply, handing me the bottle and I didn’t even look at it.

“Thank you, Thank you” I said and grabbed him by the front of his pristine $80 tee shirt and kissed his cheek before rushing out of his apartment.

Once I was back at my apartment, I stood for a moment outside my door to collect myself before letting myself back in.

Barney was greedily guzzling food from his bowl that slid all about the kitchen floor and Bowser was delicately devouring her tuna from her porcelain plate on the window sill where Barney the greedy dog couldn’t get to it.

He even knew to put the cat’s dinner up where the dog couldn’t get to it.

I turned and smiled at him where he sat on my couch and walked over to him, fighting my urge to be very brazen and not only make the first move, but completely take control. The only thing holding me back was the thought that a guy who didn’t make the first move, might be put off by a girl who did.

But this guy was definitely a find.

I didn’t feel any reservations about him whatsoever, and he didn’t put a foot wrong from the very first day that I met him.

He rose from the couch and took the wine from my hands, resting it down on the coffee table, not breaking his gaze from me as he did it and my heart started to race because I knew what was coming.

Pulling me to him with an arm around my waist and a hand on my face he lowered his face and lingered for moment.

I responded by resting my hands on his chest and reaching up to close the gap between us and catching his mouth with mine.

Slowly our kiss began. Slow and gentle and promising a lot more to come.

It had been sometime since I had last been with a man and it wasn’t until this very heated, passionate kiss that I realized just how ripe I was.

As the kiss deepened and became more torrid, we collapsed onto the couch together the weight of him on me like an inescapable blanket of lust, grinding into me.

His hands touched all over and his mouth was doing to mine, what was nothing short of assault, robbing me of air so that when he finally burrowed his face into my neck, I gasped for air.

Eyes closed, racking at the shirt on his back it was so completely primal and devoid of thought and consideration. 

“Oh Justin,” I whispered into his neck so overcome that I didn’t even realize what I said until Adrian completely seized on top of me, like he had an off switch and lifted his head breathlessly staring down at me confusion etched in his brow.

I wondered if I had any hope of covering what had just come out of my mouth.

“What?” I asked playing dumb, swallowing hard.

Adrian searched my face breathing heavily and I felt like I stood a chance because if I didn’t, he would have been up off me. I took his face in my hands and kissed him softly.

“What is it?” I asked doing all I could to convince him that he hadn’t really heard what he thought he had heard..

“Sorry I thought I heard you say…” he started to say and appeared like he might have been mistaken.

“Oh Jesus…I said Oh Jesus…should I not have said that?” Kicking women out of Justin’s apartment had taught me to lie so well.

“No, it’s fine, I just thought you said…something else, forget it,” he breathed returning to my kiss and after a few kisses, I turned my head and guided his lips towards my neck.

I clenched my eyes shut and mouthed the work “fuck” silently to myself unable to believe I just did that.

I may have been able to convince Adrian that there wasn’t anyone else on my mind, and I didn’t know if maybe it was simply the fact that Estelle had planted those stupid seeds in my head about my relationship with Justin, but as I stared up at the ceiling with Adrian kissing my neck and his hands beneath my shirt, I was now too busy analyzing my slip up to feel Adrian’s touch as vividly as before.

I had to decide quickly if I was able to carry on with this now that my heart wasn’t in it. At least not as much as it was five minutes ago.

His hand closing around my breast quickly delivered me my answer.

I covered his hand with mine and pulled it out from beneath my shirt.

“Adrian,” I said and again he lifted his head and stared down at me knowing what was coming.

“I know, I know. Too fast, I’m sorry,” he said and I felt bad that he was apologizing when really, if he knew what was going on inside my head, then it would be me who needed to do the apologizing.

“I’m sorry too, I didn’t mean to lead you on. I thought I wanted to…and I do,” I started to explain, but he seemed to know where I was going with it and took comfort in the fact that I wasn’t saying no, just not now.

We both sat up awkwardly from our horizontal position on the couch and I reached over to smooth down Adrian’s disheveled hair and when he smiled I regretted stopping where we were headed.

I wanted him and I really did like him a lot.

Maybe I just needed a day or two to get used to the idea, or maybe spend an hour or so with Justin just to remind me that even if I had the slightest shred of attraction towards him, that he and I were chalk and cheese and could not even agree on whether or not the weather was pleasant or not.

But Adrian.

Adrian, I could see it working with.

“I should probably head home,” he said and I nodded in understanding.

“Okay.”

“But I will see you tomorrow,” he said climbing to his feet and I stood from the couch and walked with him slowly to my front door.

Once there I was sure to give him a kiss that would reassure him that I was indeed very interested in him and kissing him.We wished each other goodnight and I stayed out in the hallway until he was in the elevator and gone.

Heading back into my apartment I sighed and rubbed my forehead.I looked into my apartment and was immediately mad at myself.

I looked at the unopened wine on my coffee table and shook my head picking it up and examining the label.

It was French and though I told Justin to give me something I could easily replace, I guessed that this bottle of wine was anything but and decided quickly that since it wasn’t opened, I should take it back.   

“Yeah.” His voice crackled over the intercom.

“It’s me,” my voice was flat as dejected sounding but I couldn’t have made myself be any chirpier.

“Come on up.”

He promptly buzzed me and I began the trek up to his secure suite.

When I reached his floor, his door was open and I let myself in.

He was on his couch in the dark watching television and I shuffled in, and placed the wine on his coffee table and plonked myself down in the seat across from him.

“Strike out?” He asked quietly, a pained expression on my face telling him everything he needed to know.“What happened?”

Well I sure couldn’t tell him.I just shrugged and shook my head.

“Nothing, I just…I don’t know”

I looked up and saw him looking at me, the glow from the television lighting up his face.

And suddenly it happened again.That stomach dropping, heart skipping a beat thing that it had done earlier on that night when I came to borrow the wine.

Justin stood and took the wine from the coffee table into the kitchen. I heard him pouring and sighed, thinking wine was just what I needed right now.

I wanted to go beyond buzzed into numb.

For a long time we just sat on the couches, not watching the television or either acknowledging each other really.We weren’t talking. We were just drinking and staring directly ahead at nothing, completely devoid of any conversation.

I know that we did that from time to time, but this time it felt uncomfortable and inappropriate.I wondered if he was watching me out of the corner of his eye like I was him.

I couldn’t believe that the one time I wished that he was talking my ear off was the one time that he didn’t seem to have anything to say.

It was making me restless, but I didn’t want to go home, so I shuffled and squirmed in my seat, leaning forwards and reclining back.

I would put my feet up and the drop them down.

“You have the worst sofas on earth,” I complained resigning myself to the fact that maybe I would have to do the talking.

“But they look nice in photographs,” he said not removing his eyes form the television.

“Yeah well, that’s important too I guess,” I said finally giving up and taking my glass of wine over to his window where I stood looking down at the street.

This was pointless. We weren’t talking, he didn’t appear to be in the mood for company and I was going to be drunk in a minute.

“I’m going home,” I announced decidedly with a nod of my head.

That seemed to wake him up a bit.

“Why? It’s not even ten.”

“Because I’m bored and drunk. Bad combo.”

“Why is it bad?”

I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that without being explicit and he didn’t need to know so I just shrugged and shook my head.

“It just is.”

“You going to tell me what happened with Andrew?”

“Adrian”

“Irrelevant,” he shrugged flippantly, stirring embers of fire in my belly with his arrogance.

But this is what I was after! He was starting.

The short answer was no. I wasn’t going to tell him exactly what happened, obviously. But I would tell him most of it.

“Well, we kind of started to but…I was thinking of someone else and-“

“Oh god-“ he said immediately guessing the rest.

“Well, yeah…that’s probably what I should have said…anyway…I don’t think he heard it, but after that…it was just a debacle,” I explained waving my hand like I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“I don’t get it you’ve been talking about his guy every day for two weeks.”

“I know!”

“And who’s this other dude?”

“No one you know,” I lied “It was just stupid and I freaked out and stopped the whole thing. He went home and…I came here to drink your booze. Yay.”

“Was he mad?“

"No. Thank God! He’s too sweet to be mad. I made it sound like I couldn’t go through with it because of the whole “oh, I’m just not ready,” you know that oldie, but in this case a goodie.”

“Were you ready?”

“So, so very ready, I just can’t believe my brain made my mouth say…what it said! I’m such a doodle head!”

“So this other guy…” Justin asked curiously and I decided to stop him in his tracks.

“No…definitely not.”

“But you’re attracted to him?”

“No!”

“Bullshit,” he said skeptically settling back into his seat.

“I’m not I am really not, and that’s the weirdest part about it, I don’t have any…not the slightest…just…no.”

“Well obviously, y’do” he replied and I knew he was right, but I didn’t want him to know he was.“What’s the big deal about it anyway? Sometimes you get attracted to people who turn you off. I do. It’s kind of primal right, because you’re not thinking anything nice about this person so it kind of satisfies that sadistic, really nasty, gritty part of your brain that doesn’t want silk sheets, rose petals and champagne. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

I visibly shuddered.

Justin didn’t know it but he was talking about himself and it was so very wrong.

“I’m telling you, take this repulsive dude somewhere for a dirty weekend, fuck his brains out, it’ll be out of your system, you’ll regret it and want to kill yourself and then you’ll come back see Andrew-“

“Adrian.”

“Irrelevant…and everything will be as it should.”

“I don’t feel that that’s good advice,” I said righteously.

“Well what do you want me to say?”

“That this other guy is not an issue. And it was a one off. And that considering I don’t even like the guy, then there is nothing to worry about.”

“Why do you need me to delude you, when you’re perfectly capable of doing it yourself Sophie,” he sighed turning back to the television and fiddling with the corner of a decorative cushion. “What’s so repulsive about this other guy anyway is he that unaesthetic?”

I sighed. We were venturing into dangerous waters with this guessing game, but maybe on some level I wanted him to know it was him.

“No. He’s not unaesthetic at all. There isn’t really anything wrong with him, he’s fine and I’m sure one day he’ll make some woman very happy, but he wouldn’t be good for me and we’re two very different people it would be like…” I trailed off trying to think of something it would be similar to.

“You and I,” he suggested and I was almost relieved to hear him say that. I was starting to get a little fearless in my curiosity and began leading the conversation.

“Yes! It would be like you and I having sex,” I said trying to illustrate with my tone how ridiculous a notion it should have seemed, but he just shrugged.

“Why couldn’t you and I have sex, I think we’d have great sex.”

I thought I wanted to hear that but then I did and I pictured Adrian and I suddenly remembered why I didn’t want Justin to know that it was him on my mind.

“No we wouldn’t.”

Heat was building up in my face.

“Sure we would”

‘No we wouldn’t. Besides, we don’t have that kind of relationship, I mean we barely get along, we can’t agree on anything.”

“Opposing energy makes for some incredible sexual tension.”

“Oh shut up,” I sighed doing my best to sound flippant, but my heart was pounding because I didn’t know if he was just using us as an example or if he was toying with me.

Either way, it was getting very hot in that apartment and kept drinking to compensate.

“I’m just saying, two people don’t have to be in love or even get along to have amazing, explosive sex you know? It’s like I’m the male whore and you’re the up tight librarian, how could that not be hot?”

I opened my mouth to talk but everything I thought to say would only encourage him because I knew that I was a mere sip off the wine doing all the talking for me, so I shut my mouth but I now wanted Justin like some kind of crazy person and I was sure he knew it.

“We’ve gone off topic,” I said calmly after a moment, trying to steer the conversation into more benign waters.

“Yeah we have but since we’re on the subject, aren’t you curious?”

Suddenly Estelle’s voice was in my ear replaying what she had said about men and women being unable to be just friends without the thought of deeper involvement or actual deeper involvement.

“Can girls and guy be just friends?” I asked him suddenly.

“You’re changing the subject,” he said accusingly and I nodded.

“Yes I know, but answer my question first. Can guys and girls be just friends?”

“Yes,” he responded almost instantly with an adamant nod of his head and I was relieved for a moment to hear him say that.

“But not people like you and me,’ he added completely throwing me off yet again and I rolled my eyes and groaned.

“Argh, Justin! What do you mean by that?”

“First answer my question!” He demanded and I played dumb.

“What question?”

“The question about…you know…us?”

I shook my head like I didn’t know what he was saying but only because I thought it was weird that he was censoring himself.“You know…have you ever thought about….us”

I couldn’t believe he was holding his tongue.

“Really Justin? Really? You have the dirtiest mouth and mind I have ever encountered on a person and now you’re having reservations about asking me in words, if I’ve ever envisaged us fucking?”

“Try as I might, I probably would never have been able to articulate it as eloquently as that, but yeah, that was what I was trying to say.”

“Well you tell me first.”

“I asked you first,” he said annoyed, rising up to his feet on the opposite side of the coffee table.

“So you can change your response depending on how I answer!”

“No I’ll be honest no matter how you respond, now stop being a chicken shit and tell me.”

He totally cornered me and I was freaking out, but trying not to show it.

I tried to rationalize, wondering what the big deal was if I admitted to him that he was the other guy, but there was something so mortifying about telling someone you had feelings for them no matter how superficial they were and Justin was the worst person in the world I could imagine confessing that too.He was so arrogant and self righteous I just knew he’d use it to toy with me.

Or maybe it was just because deep down I knew that if I told him and he actually made an effort to pursue anything with me even if it was only sex. I wasn’t so sure anymore that I could turn him down.

I was so turned onto him now, and it happened so quickly, overnight, just like that!I felt different about Justin than I did about Adrian.

I was sexually curious about Justin without thinking there was a chance of much else between us and attracted to Adrian knowing that there was every hope of us having a very satisfying relationship.

It seemed an easy choice to make but God, the lure of the bad boy was…well…heaven knows.

Fuck it, I thought finally. I was too drunk for inhibitions and Adrian and I weren’t official.

I stood up from my seat and the wine went from my feet, right to my head and I needed a second to make sure I didn’t lose my balance while trying to appear completely sober.

I was however sober enough to feel the full force of my nerves.

“Adrian was on top of me and I said…” Oh God this was so hard.“I said…”Justin”…Instead of “Adrian”. There, are you happy? I said your name. So yes, obviously I’ve thought about it.”

There I said it.

“But,” I added quickly “it was like, out of nowhere! I mostly despise you, you know that right? Like there isn’t anyone on earth who pushes my buttons as much as you, on purpose, like I am surprised I don’t have stomach ulcers from hanging around you,” I rambled.

Justin didn’t appear shocked, but his chest was rising and falling with a little more height than usual, but then so was mine.

It was like I had just jumped of a bridge.

My arms and legs were tingling and weak, my heart was pounding and the blood rushed all around my head in a confusing swirl and my feet struggled to remain planted as he walked over to my side of the coffee table and stood towering above me.

Even though I’d never felt quite as intimidated by him as I did just then, it was suddenly very clear to me now what I wanted from him.

He collected up the wine bottle and took a long sip directly from it I smiled faintly but awkwardly because he hadn’t yet said anything and I was finding his eyes difficult to read.

Finally a long finger from his other hand scraped a lock of hair from my brow and he sighed, now so close I could smell the wine on him.

“It would be a mistake for us to let our curiosity get the better of us,” he whispered and my heart sunk for a moment, until suddenly I felt his lips on my neck.

Every cell inside froze as he emerged and looked down at me with a very impish smile.

“Wanna make a mistake tonight?” he asked mischievously, the sound of his voice was low and enveloping and I was suddenly overcome by the force of my attraction towards him.

I took the bottle from him with my eyes trained on his and nodded holding the bottle to my lips.

“Yeah I do,” I replied taking one last long sip from the bottle.  

The next morning we stayed in bed for as long as possible, but eventually I knew I would have to go home and tend to my “children”.

I made it home just before noon and hurried inside my apartment to two resentful pets who for the last two nights had received the lesser of my attention, but the plan was to shower, get dressed, take Barney out for a run around the park and then come back home and spend the rest of the day with them while enjoying a spot of lazy Sunday baking.

The hot water did a good job, freshening me up and I desperately needed to wash my hair.

When I was finished, I switched off the water and slipped on my robe, hurrying out of the bathroom before I had fastened the waist band and into my room to get dressed.

I opened my bedside draw and fished around for a pair of underwear and a bra when I heard Barney’s collar jangling behind me.

“One more minute Barney boy, I’m just getting dressed.”

“Ro rurry-“

I screamed and spun around to where Justin as standing in my bedroom doorway with Barney held up in front of his face imitating a Scooby-Doo voice.

First I closed my robe and then clutched my hands tightly over my heart feeling it pound as I stood gasping for the air that fear had knocked out of me.

Justin lowered Barney to reveal his face as fear slowly began to give way to annoyance.

“How did you get in here,” I squealed securing the waistband around me as quickly as possible which now seemed unnecessary, given our activities of Friday night.

“You left your front door unlocked, you really need to be more careful, any psycho could have gotten in here,” he said coolly, dropping my dog on my bed and plunking down beside him.

I gave him a look.

“Well evidently a psycho did get in here.’

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t be like that.”

“You could have knocked.”

“’Course I could have, but then I wouldn’t have seen your naked, wet body.”

I sighed trying to appear un-phased and slipping on some underwear whilst trying to protect my modesty which oddly, I was now concerned with maintaining.

“Yeah…about that,” I began sitting at the foot of the bed as far away from him as possible.

“We don’t have to do the whole thing,” he assured me turning his head in my direction.

“Let’s just say we had a good time, leave it there and go back to where we were okay?” He said and it was music to my ears to hear him say that. Every now and then Justin was capable of being very considerate and understanding.

He held a hand out and we shook on it and I felt a lot better about it.

“So,” he sighed “what’s new?”

“Nothing much,” I shrugged standing from my bed and setting about getting dressed without exposing myself which wasn’t as easy a task as I thought.

“How was your date last night? Pretty good I guess, considering you didn't get home until midday today,” he said and I grinned.

“Yeah we had fun, Weezer was great,” I exclaimed raking through my closet until I found the dress I wanted to wear.

“Yeah I know Weezer is good, but how was your date? Is Andrew boyfriend material?”

“It’s Adrian and if you say it’s irrelevant, I’m going to punch you,” I grinned and shook my head.

Despite his obvious foibles Justin could be amazing sometimes too. He was genuinely interested in hearing about the goings on of me and my life and I sometimes felt like I was just talking to one of my girlfriends.

“You know, I think he is. He’s really sweet.”

“That’s good news Soph,” Justin replied distractedly.

I was too busy gushing about Adrian that I forgot all about the whole covering-up thing as I dropped my robe to put my dress on and because I didn’t see Justin’s head actually move, I wasn’t alerted to the fact that he was watching through my mirrored wardrobe.

I pretended not to notice and more importantly not to care busying myself instead by towel drying my hair when Barney proceed to catch the corner of my towel and start pulling.

“Hey, hey, hey give it back!” I exclaimed as he scampered out of my room and I was too lazy to chase him and decided my wet hair was good enough.

“So are you going to make cookies today or what? ‘cause if not there’s somewhere I have to be,” Justin asked opening my bedside drawers with his feet and sitting up to see what was inside.

“I was totally planning on baking today, but I don’t know if I wanna make cookies.”

I was unphased since there wasn’t really anything in there that could embarrass me.

He opened up body butters and smelled them and rubbed random hair products into his palms and worked them through his curly hair.

I sat back down on the bed and laid back staring at the ceiling, hearing him shuffle around inside my drawer.

“Where’s the good stuff,” he asked and I knew what that he was referring to the drawer which would contain the things I wanted to keep hidden.

“I don’t have good stuff,” I sighed.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged wondering now, why I didn’t have at least a vibrator.

“How long have you been single for?”

“I don’t know, two years,” I estimated.

“What?” He sounded surprised and turned my head to look at him.

“Yeah…maybe more…but who’s counting,” I sighed.

“Why has it been so long? Bad break up?”

No…I guess I have just been too caught up at work to think about dating…in fact the only reason I found Adrian is because he works with me,” I shrugged.

“Is he your supervisor?” Justin asked with a cheeky grin and I snickered and shook my head.

“No he works in a different department.”

“Hmmm,” Justin said distractedly, finding a pair of black, lace underwear in the next drawer.

“You should wear these to the office…better yet, you should have worn them on Friday,” he said flinging them around his finger and I laughed.

“Don’t be creepy,” I chuckled as he flicked them over to me and got me in the face with them and I grabbed them off and threw them over my bed only to find he now had one of my bras on his head.

I watched him examining my under garments and smiled a little at his boyish curiosity.

“Nice,” he nodded with approval holding up a purple pair of French knickers.

“Are you having fun?”

“More than you will ever know, now if you don’t mind, I’d like to be left alone with these,” he said bunching the purple panties in his hand and slipping another pair in his pocket.

“Leave my underwear alone!” I exclaimed sitting up and he teased me with them, moving them around so that I couldn’t grab them.

“Here, take them…just take them,” He said holding his hands up and then switching hands behind his back and pretty soon I was chasing him around my room.

“Give them”

“No,” he said mischievously holding them above him had and there was no way I was going to reach them.

Barney barked from the bed as we shuffled around the room and I leapt into the air trying to win back the panties as he switched them from hand to hand, when suddenly he caught my face with his elbow.

It didn’t hurt a bit, but I stopped suddenly and put on my best shocked face, covering my nose with both hands and Justin gasped.

“Shit, Sophie are you okay?”

“Ow, yeah, I’m fine…fuck that really hurt,” I lied, wincing as he brought his hands down staring at me concerned.

“Here let me have a look,” he said reaching out to me and I took the opportunity to reach out and pull my underwear from his grasp as quickly as possible.

“Yoink! Thank you, I’ll take those back,” I grinned very pleased with myself as he sighed and cocked his head as I stepped past him to put my belongings back into my drawer.

“You know one day I’m not going to believe you,” he warned losing interest in the underwear once he didn’t have them anymore and sat back down on my bed.

Justin wasn’t really there for any particular reason. He just seemed to be hanging around.

I didn’t mind, but it wasn’t like him just to sit around in my bedroom without suggesting a movie or to go to his place to cook dinner or something.

He played with Barney on my bed and I watched him and couldn’t help but smile.

He was a sweet guy underneath all of that bravado and sarcasm.

One thing Barney hated was having his tail touched and not knowing this, Justin unwittingly grabbed his tail playfully causing Barney to snap at him, catching his finger with his teeth.

“Ow!” Justin withdrew his hand reactively and Barney immediately sunk down onto his belly, knowing he had done something wrong.

“Barney!” I exclaimed but Justin quickly chimed in.

“No, no don’t get upset at him it was my fault,” he said examining his knuckle which was bleeding a little.

“Here let me get some band-aids,” I said hurrying out of the room.

“No there’s not enough blood to bother, don’t worry about it,” he said but by the time he’d finished his sentence I was already in the bathroom collecting my first aid kit.

“Forget it, look it’s fine,” he said holding his hand up and there was only a drop of blood, but I was squeezing Polysporin out of the tube like his finger had been severed.

“Seriously, I can’t wear band-aids, I have a show later tonight and I can’t wear band-aids when I play,” he said and I finally relented with a sigh.

“Well at least put some of this on so it doesn’t get infected, dogs are dirty they lick themselves all day long and -“

‘Really I would say that makes them lucky!”

“I knew you’d say something like that,” I said rubbing a cotton pad with antibiotic ointment on his finger.

“You’re making the biggest deal out of nothing, okay, okay that’s enough.”

I turned to Barney and shook my head at him with a sigh.

“Aw leave the poor thing alone,” he said pulling the sheepish Beagle into his arms, “you didn’t mean it, did you buddy, huh? See, Look he still loves me, we’re still friends” he said as Barney licked the side of his face.

“Yeeeah, that’s a good dog,” he cooed giving him one last pat before setting him back down on the bed and continuing to pat the length of his body steering clear this time of his tail.

We fell silent for a while but it wasn’t an uncomfortable quietness that we felt we needed to fill.

“By the way, if I haven’t already said so, I’m really happy for you that things are working out with Adrian…he seems a decent guy.” He said lying across my bed beside me and we lay facing each other.

I was lost for words for a moment.

I’d never heard him sound quite so sincere. Maybe even a little envious.

I smiled at him and softly pinched his side.

“Thanks Timberlake.”

We sat for a long time staring at each other until finally Justin couldn’t hold it any longer.

“You know what’s coming right?”

“Of course I do.”

“I have to ask.”

“Don’t”

“Come on I need to know-“

“No you don’t.”

“Sophie, honestly, it kept me up last night.”

“Then your priorities need some re-evaluating.”

“Just say “yes” or “no” come on”

“I’m not telling you who is better in bed!”

“If you don’t tell me then I’m just going to have to make the assumption that I’m the better lover and you’re not comfortable with admitting it since you’re now in a relationship.”

“Whatever gets you through the night,” I shrugged nonchalantly and he sighed.

Now, every time he stared at me with those light blue eyes with the fire behind them my heart quickened a little and I looked down at my hands.

“Either that or you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”

I collapsed onto my back with a sigh.

“Guilting me won’t work either.”

“Oh come on! What’s the big deal?”

“Justin, its like if I asked you if I was the best lover you’ve had out of all the women you’ve slept with.”

“Do you want to know, I’ll tell you! I don’t care.”

“Tell me then.”

“No you tell me first!”

“No.”

“Then I’m not telling you.”

“Fine,” I shrugged and we both fell silent for a while longer.

I wished he hadn’t said that he would tell me, because though I wasn’t naïve enough to be hopeful, I was now curious.

In fact it seemed so unlikely that I would have rated with him, that it didn’t even cross my mind.

“Top ten?” I asked quietly turning to look over at him.

He simply shrugged and smiled a little to himself.

“See you’re thinking about it now.”

“Yeah but I’m not going to lose sleep over it and besides, it’s not a fair comparison to make, your odds of having been the best lover I’ve ever had are a lot more favorable than mine. I’ve only slept with about five guys in whole life, you pull those kind of numbers on a weekend.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you if you were in my top five, if you tell me if I was in your top three,” he negotiated and after taking a second to do the math to make sure I wasn’t being conned, I agreed.

“Okay fine.”

“Okay…was I in your top three?” He asked with a nod.

“No,” I said almost instantly and watched his eyebrows shoot up.

“Whoa, okay,” he said simply doing his best not to show any disappointment.

“I’m just kidding, yeah you were in my top three,” I said figuring he’d been tormented enough and he sighed.

“What’d you have to go and do somethin’ like that for?”

“Because you would do it me, now my turn. Am I in your top five?” I asked excitedly like we were playing some kind of truth or dare game.

“Yes.” He nodded coolly and I was pleasantly surprised.

“Wow, seriously?”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” he grinned and seemed kind of…nervous…relieved…I couldn’t tell.

“No I’m honored, really that’s…that’s good for the ego,” I sighed drawing my own conclusion from his demeanor that I was in his top three. Easy.

“You want the truth?” He said suddenly staring down at his hands and his tone made me nervous so I tried to make a joke.

“I can’t handle the truth.”

“Seriously,” he said with no hint of anything left on his face but pure sincerity.

I stayed quiet and waited for him to continue, wondering what could possibly have made him so serious all of a sudden.

“The truth is that…you’re right at the top of that list,” he said finally and my breath caught in my throat.

“More than that actually it’s hard to imagine that anyone will be knocking you off that perch any time soon, I quite honestly haven’t stopped thinking about it,” he said and suddenly I couldn’t feel my extremities.

Blood rushed to my face and painted my cheeks seven shades of embarrassed, but I quickly reminded myself that it didn’t matter because it was just sex and we’d never be in love.

I re-gathered my thoughts and looked up at him smiling.

“It was a pretty crazy night,” I said quietly, finally allowing myself to freely recall the night fondly.

He smiled thoughtfully then and nodded in agreement.

After a moment I sighed and propped myself up on my elbows.

“Okay so…” I began with trepidation and then needed a moment to figure out if I was going to say it.

“I really, really, really like Adrian, and I can see myself with him and…all that,” I said searching for the words and then when I looked up Justin blinked lazily as he listened intently.

“And he’s a great lover, but…you’re definitely the best I’ve had…also,” I said nervously. “You’re probably used to hearing that,” I snickered.

“Yeah, but it’s not all that often that I’ve really cared to hear it…that and I can tell you’re being sincere and not just telling me what I want to hear,” he said it appreciatively and we smiled at each other.

His eyes were fixed on me and it was making me nervous especially given the topic of conversation and I felt conflicted between feeling the lust I felt for Justin and the guilt I’d feel for betraying Adrian’s trust if I let that lust get the better of me yet again and I knew by the way he was looking at me that Justin was certainly to try.

His hand lifted off the bed and rested on my face and my body responded immediately remembering his rough touch.

“I really like Adrian,” I said but it was like throwing a pebble at an elephant.

“I know,” he said simply, his tone telling me that there were oceans between knowing and caring.

When he started to lean in, I panicked.

I couldn’t do it again.

He was just a centimeter or two away from my lips when I drew my neck back.

“What are you doing?” I asked, which was a stupid question, but it seemed to fit when I said it.

Justin lowered his hand and backed away with a sigh and awkward expression.

“Sorry…I thought I saw a cataract, your…pupils are really cloudy.”

Some air came out of my mouth and it was supposed to be a laugh but it sounded like a whale expelling air out of its blowhole.

“Wanna make brownies!” I blurted suddenly with more enthusiasm than was necessary and Justin sighed and scratched his dark blond mane of hair.

“Sure,” he sighed and he was less thrilled about my response, but I was already up off the bed and out of my bedroom to catch his disappointed expression.

As I hurried into the kitchen I shook my hands out nervously and clenched my eyes trying to pull myself together before he caught up.

I was pulling things out of my pantry that clearly didn’t go into brownies and I knew he was standing right behind me.

“Stop freaking out,” he said calmly.

“I’m not freaking out.”

“Yeah you are.”

“Well, why do you think? I’ve known you for a year and a half, and now, now that I actually have found someone I am interested in, you wanna get into my shorts? Too bad, you snooze you lose.”

“Well we don’t exactly get to pick the timing do we?” He asked opening my fridge to inspect its contents.

“No, but we do get to pick our actions,” I replied putting away the tins of beans I had taken out of cupboard out of nervousness.

“Well,” he said nonchalantly “do what you think is right. I’m not going to stand in the way of your choices,” he said picking out a plum from the fruit drawer and shutting the fridge before heading towards the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked looking over my shoulder.

“Home.”

“What about the brownies?”

“I don’t feel like it,” he said simply as he disappeared out of the room and a moment later I heard my front door shut.  

I spent the rest of my Sunday trying to tell myself that I had no reason to feel bad

I contemplated going upstairs and trying to smooth things over with Justin with the tray of brownies that I made, but decided against it since sucking up after upsetting someone was his party trick.

I decided instead to see how long he would go without contacting me.

The next day at work it was a slow Monday.

Senior management and staff were away on conference meaning the flow of work into the office was greatly reduced leaving the rest of us time to get completely caught up and also the mood was a lot more casual.

When I arrived, Estelle was already in tapping away on her computer.
I dropped my bag at my desk and grabbed the back rest of my chair, wheeling it over to hers to sit down beside her.

As she finished up her email and sent it, I plunked down beside her with a sigh and she eyed me.

“He has a girlfriend?” She guessed and I shook my head.

“Is he gay?” David spoke up from over the partition and I sighed and motioned for him to be quiet and waved him over to Estelle’s desk.

Estelle and David were sound as a pound, and I knew I could trust them, especially since I had more gossip on them than they would ever have on me.

Once David was comfortable I took a deep breath and looked around before we all leaned in close.

“I think I’ve gotten myself into a little pickle,” I began and David snickered.

“Honey as long as it wasn’t a little pickle getting into you-“

“Shhhhh,” both Estelle and I scolded him and he giggled cheekily.

“So Friday-“

“Yeah where did you run off to in such a hurry?”

“Well...Justin burnt a pot roast.”

“Is that a metaphor? I don’t understand,” Estelle said shaking her head and I sighed.

“Are you guys going to let me finish or what?”

They both apologized and I tried again.

“Justin burned a pot roast and our building got evacuated. So Adrian followed me out of Murph’s and we got a cab back to my building. Anyway, the two of them met briefly and Justin was being his usual annoying self and tells Adrian that I do nothing but talk about him which is fine, because it saved me having to tell Adrian I liked him, plus I was drunk. So anyway, we get upstairs and we start making out-“

“Ooooh,” Estelle and David were suddenly a lot more interested and our huddle instantly shrunk even smaller.

“So we’re making out, and instead of saying “Adrian”…” I paused, still grimacing at the thought “I said “Justin””

Both Estelle and David gasped so loud, I thought they’d choke.

“What?”

“Oh no Sophie!”

“Shh-sh-sh-sh-sh” I hushed them and we balled up back into out huddle.
“I was able to cover it up, but after that I couldn’t…you know…continue,” I said and they both nodded, wide-eyed in understanding.

“So anyway, we were still going to Weezer on Saturday so he went home, and I went upstairs to drink with Justin.”

“Uh oh,” David said guessing where this was headed and I nodded.

“Yeah…I told him what I did and then we both got really drunk and…proceeded to spend the rest of the night having, the craziest, wildest sex either of us have ever had.”

“Jesus, Mary and Jospeh,” Estelle sighed leaning back in her chair to take a breath and then she leaned forward.

“You had sex with Justin Timberlake.”

“Don’t say his first and last name like I only know him from watching E! News.”

“I told you he wanted you,” Estelle said proud of herself and I shook my head.

“No…no I doubt he even thought it about until I told him I said his name while making out with another guy.”

“Whatever.”

“So what happened on Saturday with Adrian,” David enquired and I exhaled sharply and we all leaned back into the huddle.

“So Adrian comes to pick me up, and the second he showed up, I just completely forgot about Justin. We went to the concert, we had a great time, we went back to his place and…yeah”

“Oh my god, you’re such a hussy, I love it!” Estelle exclaimed slapping my knee excitedly.

“Seriously, I need a cigarette just listening to this,” David chuckled.

“Well after I got home from Adrian’s, Justin came over and at first, he was all “yeah don’t worry about it, we had a good time, but let’s not let it ruin our friendship,” but then he proceeds to tell me that I was the best sex he’s ever had, and I told him that he was too and he tried to kiss me, and then I couldn’t do it because I really like Adrian and he got all butt hurt and left…what time is it?”
I looked at the time on Estelle’s computer and stood out of my seat.

“Adrian will be here any second, if we sit around like this he’ll know I told you guys,” I said starting to push my chair back to my desk.

“So what are you going to do?” David asked just as we saw Adrian come out of elevator and I didn’t have a chance to answer before everyone scattered back to their desk.

I sat at my desk and turned on my computer as he came through the reception doors and I looked up and gave him a nervous smile.

“Morning Adrian.”

“Morning Sophie,” he said adding a very discreet wink as he walked by my desk towards his.

I turned my head in Estelle’s direction where she sat staring at him as he walked down the hallway towards his desk and when he was out of sight, she tuned to me.

“Was he that fine when he first started working here?”

I laughed and turned back to my desk.

“Back off, biatch he’s mine,” I said quietly.

“Well can I have the other one?” She asked and I shrugged.

“He’s all yours.”

As soon as it came out of my mouth it left a bitter taste.

The truth was, I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of Justin with anyone else.
I’d more or less kicked a dozen or more women out of his apartment and been so annoyed at him every single time I’d done it, but now that I looked back on it, I began questioning whether I was annoyed with him or annoyed at the idea of him with someone else.

I quickly told myself it didn’t matter because down the hall in the second block of cubicles in the seat closest to the window, was a man that there was no doubt about.

Adrian and I had spoken about keeping a lid on our relationship at work, but it was hard not to email him or take a seat on the corner of his desk and chat all day.

We snuck out for a lazy two hour lunch and I asked him if he wanted to stay over but he said he was catching up with an old school friend for drinks that night, so on my way home, I stopped at the market and picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Ice-cream and prepared for a Monday night in.

When my elevator door opened up, I could hear Barney barking from the door like he always did when he heard me coming home.

I opened the door to be greeted by a bounding Beagle and as soon as he smelled the ice-cream he sat quiet and still.

“Nooo, I don’t think so my darling. You get puppy food!”

I placed my keys on the hallway table and shut the door, taking care to make sure it as locked this time and greeted Bowser who was sitting at the door of the kitchen meowing.

“Good evening my sweet kitty,” I cooed picking him up which he didn’t like, but it was too bad because I was alone and I wanted love.

He was reluctantly obedient as I walked him into the kitchen with Barney in tow, and I collected their dinner from the fridge placing Bowser down so that I could use both hands to feed my pets.

While I waited for Barney’s food to heat up in the microwave, I turned and leaned against the bench.

“It’s just you and me tonight, boys-“ I said and just as I said that there was a loud knock at my door.

“Oh who could that be?” I asked aloud, having a fair idea, but in life anything was possible.

I unlocked my door and just as I suspected Justin was there with his hands up high on the doorframe.

“I just want to say one thing,” he began abruptly, his tone slightly abrasive.

“Impossible,” I sighed.

He ignored it and continued.

“I think you really do like Andrew or Arby or whatever the fuck his name is, but in a year from now when you’ve let him move into this place, and you’re with him twenty four hours a day, you’re going to be bored with his beige ass.”

It only took one sentence from his mouth to almost make my eyes bleed and I shouted at him.

“Oh! Yes! Please! Give me more advice Guru who has mastered the art of relationships!”

“Yeah you know what the difference between you and me is?”

“The level of pure, undiluted presumptuousness?”

“At least I have the balls to contemplate a harder path. Instead of going the easy route and not gaining anything of any worth from it.”

We were screaming at each other now and I couldn’t believe how brazen he was being.

“Yeah I’m sure you’re gaining invaluable life experiences from these harder options that I am constantly kicking out of your apartment for you because you’re too sackless to do it yourself you hypocrite.”

“Don’t use that against me like you don’t know that there is more to me than that, there’s sex and then there is relationships and they both have their place so get off your fucking high horse and admit the only reason it pisses you off so much is because you have feelings for me.”

“Yeah and I also have an entire memory catalogue of the conversations we’ve had about all your busted up relationships and the chicken shit things you did to fuck them up, so you tell me, from my point of view why the fuck I would even contemplate in my right mind ever going there with you!”

For that he didn’t have an answer and I swung my door hard to shut it, but his left hand caught it and pushed it back on its hinges hard enough for it hit the wall behind it with a loud crack, shocking me and making my heart uncomfortably fast.

I’d never seen him this angry before. We’d never got this heated in our arguments and I knew he wasn’t capable of any harm, but there was a fire he was keeping inside that I wasn’t sure I wanted to fully engage.

He softened immediately after it and rubbed his top lip thoughtfully with the back of his thumb, as I took the door handle gingerly and poised to shut the door with a little less force this time.

“Look at us,” I softly, “this how we’ve always been and it’s just a preview of what we’d be like together.”

His eyes flickered from behind me to directly on me in a sharp, piercing kind of way that told me there was still fire in him and it made me nervous.

“Let me in,” he said tightly and I knew right away that that meant.

“Justin-“

“Tell me that if I turn around right now and go back upstairs that you won’t be sitting up all night thinking about me.”

He was arrogant. But he was also right. And I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I wouldn’t so I kept my mouth shut,

It was all he needed and he crossed the threshold into my apartment and stood in front of me.

I took a step back to give us space, but he closed the gap as well as the door from behind him and suddenly I was pressed up against the wall in my dark hallway in a searing kiss that deep down I wanted, but couldn’t bring myself to stop it even though I should have.

It wasn’t a hard kiss, but forceful enough for him to let me know that he was in charge.

He had a hand on my throat and another around my waist and I gave in, hooking my arms underneath his and gripping his back, pressing him to me from head to toe.

The way he was kissing me was reminiscent of that night we’d spent and I was turned on by the prospect of even a partial re-enactment.

His tongue was subtle in comparison to the rest of his touch and I was craning on my toes to get to a level where we could engage in the kiss more comfortably, a situation he rectified by pulling my black skirt up around my waist and gripping the back of my thighs with his hands and hoisting me up against the wall.

The hallway was narrow enough for me to press my toes against the opposite wall and we were able to continue kissing now with a lot more ease, but it was quickly apparent that this time around we weren’t so patient for foreplay.

One of his hands dove between us to undo his pants and suddenly I felt him against me and he broke the kiss and stared at me, his eyes gleaming in the dark.

“Tell me you want me.”

I hadn’t grasped the context of the question correctly.

“I want you. I want you so much,” I breathed thinking if he made me wait much longer, I’d die.

“No I mean tell me that it’s me you want, tell me you chose me,” he murmured.

I instantly wished that he didn’t say that and he felt me turn off as I stared back at him trying to find what to say.

I pushed his hips back as my feet fell to the floor and I pulled my skirt back down as he stood doing up his jeans. I was awkward, he was annoyed.

“That wasn’t fair,” I said gently leaning against the wall with my hands crossed over my chest.

“No, what’s not fair is you leading two guys on at the same time.”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head but not yet finding more to say.

“What?” He shrugged urging me to continue.

“If you remember correctly, my choice was made, you’re the one who was baiting me.”

“Yeah because you made the wrong choice,” he said simply not bothering to tuck in his white shirt as it hung loosely around him.

“I’ll be upstairs when you change your mind,” he said and exited my apartment and leaving me there to deal with the tingle I still felt all over my body from his touch.

 The next morning at work, I was surprised that Adrian wasn’t avoiding me and though he could barely bring himself to look me in eye, he was more than civil, which made me feel even worse.

It was apparent though to those who knew what was going on that something was up between us and David cornered me in the lunchroom when I went to make my morning tea.

“I take it you told him about Justin,” he whispered standing close beside as I poured hot water into my mug and waited a while for the teabag to steep.

“Told him, no. Found him standing outside my apartment when I came down from Justin’s place wearing nothing but a bed sheet, yes.”

“Oh Sophie,” David said shutting his eyes and shaking his head.

“I know. Trust me I know, and to top it off, Adrian doesn’t think much of Justin and pretty much told me he gives us a month…which now that I am thinking about it is more than I would have given us.”

“Well do you feel like you’ve done the right thing? I mean who cares what others think as long as you’re happy,” David shrugged and I sighed.

“See that’s the problem, I don’t know if I am happy with Justin and obviously two nights of sex does not a relationship make-“

“Unless you’re me.”

“Right! But it’s a different kind of feeling with Justin…I’m not in love and I’m not exactly trusting, but, I’m just so…” I paused trying to find the word I was looking for.

“Horny?”

“No…I don’t know…curious. I’m so intrigued by our dynamic, it’s like watching a really frustrating television show where you hate the characters, but you keep watching because you have to know how it ends.”

“Well maybe Adrian is onto something, curiosity killed the cat you know?”

“Well I guess it doesn’t really matter, he knows now and I think Justin kinda thinks we’re on now…I guess,” I said half heartedly.

“Wow…take the enthusiasm about being in a relationship with a rich, handsome and talented superstar down a notch would you,” David said sarcastically and I looked up at him and smiled.

“He is pretty cute,” I conceded, smiling at the thought of him and that weird grin he had as I carried my tea out of the lunchroom and carefully back to my desk.

My computer alerted me to an email message and my heart rate picked up a little when I saw it was from Adrian. 

I’m sorry I said what I said about Justin being a collector.

I hope he makes you happy. 

I couldn’t believe he was apologizing to me and I didn’t even know where to begin trying to respond.I kept reading it over trying to decide if he was being genuine, but it was hard to imagine that he would be anything but and I really felt that he deserved the courtesy of a response. 

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner Adrian, but it all just sort of happened all at once.

Truth be told, I still have very real feelings for you, I kept telling everyone that you are the perfect guy and you are, and I’m still not 100% sure about Justin.I know that must sound very contrary to my actions, but it wouldn’t be fair to be with you and all the while wondering about him.

Maybe this will all blow up in my face as you predicted, but at least I’ll know.

I’m sorry I hurt you. 

I read it, and re-read it over and over, until I was sure it properly captured how I felt, and though it didn’t even come close, I sent it anyway because it was the best I could do.

The minutes ticked over into hours during the day and I busied myself wherever possible to try and make the time go faster.

Every time Adrian walked by my desk, I still watched him the same way I did when he first started.He was tall and strong and carried himself well and the way people responded to him was indicative of his easy-going nature and it got me thinking.

I’d never seen Justin with anyone else.

Whenever we’d hung out, it had always been just he and I alone in his apartment or in mine.We hadn’t walked down the street or into a market. I couldn’t even recall him even having interactions with a pizza delivery guy.

In fact the only person I’d ever seen Justin interact with was Adrian, and that was clearly a disaster.

I felt like you could tell a lot about a person by the way they associated with other people and I knew Justin obviously had the potential to be very charming and pleasant, but he was also too smart for his own good, with an over developed attention to detail coupled with the inability to let anything go.

He had moments when he was capable of leg jellying tenderness and sometimes when his passion didn’t set him off on a tangent it was exciting to watch him in full flight.

It was just so strange to feel like I knew so little about Justin having known him for a year and a half and then there was Adrian, an open book and I’d known him for just barely a month. 

That night when I got home, I had a note attached to my door. 

Dinner at my place, 7pm.

Hope you like sushi. 

I gently tapped my forehead against my door with a sigh.I hated Sushi. 

I had time to have a shower, change into some jeans and get covered from head to toe in pet fur.

I left a couple of minutes after seven and when I made it upstairs, I knocked on his door and waited.

He opened the door dressed down in a grey t-shirt and jeans, his usually waxed down curls were this time particularly messy, but it suited him so much.

“Good evening,” he greeted standing at the door and I smiled and stepped up to him for a kiss.

“What’s up,” I greeted casually as he stood aside to let me in and we started down his hall.

“Not much, you hungry?” He enquired and I was, but not for sushi.

“Uh…yeah,” I said without a lot of conviction which he seemed to ignore and overtook me into the kitchen where the island had been set up quite romantically with candles and wine, had it not been for the array of swirls, slabs and slices of every imaginable piscean offering from the sea.

“Oh boy...wow…look at that.” I stood looking at the tray and Justin looked so pleased with himself, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him of my indifference toward his chosen cuisine.

He poured two glasses of wine and all I could do was hope he had a lot more of it because I was going to need buckets of it to get through this meal.

“You know how to use chopsticks right?” he asked holding out a set of beautiful mahogany chopsticks and I took them from him and smiled.

We sat down and for a moment he just sat there looking at me and I couldn’t help looking at the food anxiously and then I realized he was looking at me and promptly snapped myself back to attention.

“Thank you for this, by the way, it’s…really…wow…there’s a lot.”

“You’re welcome…now, let’s eat,” he declared holding his chopsticks up and looking over the assortment trying to decide which one he wanted first.

I decided I needed to shock my taste buds with a nice big sip of wine to prepare them for what I considered a viscous assault.It was white and dry and just what I needed to loosen myself up a bit as I glanced over the assortment trying to find the one with the most rice and least filling.

“I’ll try this one,” I decided settling on one.

“Smoked eel, good choice,” he commented and my chopsticks promptly moved to the one next one over.

“Or maybe this one.”

“Jellyfish, really? I didn’t think you were that adventurous.”

“Okay, which one is the fish, just plain fish,” I asked probably sounding a little frustrated but I was more upset with myself that I just couldn’t tell him that I was hating this and more so hating myself over what I had done to Adrian, but that part, I knew I couldn’t tell him.

“Any of these,” he said gently waving his chopsticks over the appropriate rows of Nori rolls and sashimi.

If you can’t smell, you can’t taste, I reminded myself and just picked up a tuna nori roll and popped it into my mouth refusing to breathe out of my nose as I chewed.

“Good huh?”

“Mmmm,” I hummed, my mouth full of rice and raw fish and I kept telling myself to imagine it was Indian or Italian.

“You don’t like it,” he stated knowingly, and I thought that I was doing a good job at hiding my indifference, but I decided I should be honest with him so that there weren’t any more sushi surprises in the future.

I swallowed what was in my mouth and smiled at him awkwardly.

“I’m not really all that into sushi to be honest,” I confessed finally and Justin dropped his chopsticks and sighed.

“Aw Soph, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well I came in here and everything was set up so nicely and you looked so excited about it all, I just couldn’t.”

“Do you wanna get a pizza?” he asked and I felt terrible.

“No, no, no, no definitely not, it’s great really, I don’t hate sushi,” I lied, “I just…you know,” I shrugged indicating my indifference.

”Hate sushi,” he finished looking deflated and even though he picked up his chopsticks again, he didn’t appear as excited about it all as he previously had.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” he shrugged but his disappointment was apparent.I picked out another one from the tray trying one last time to give it every chance and reached over to drown it in his dish of Wasabi and soy.

“I like wasabi,” I said as though would make everything okay.

“Yeah it’s good,” he said half heartedly and I sighed, sitting back in my seat.

“Justin come on, don’t sulk,” I warned him as he speared through a nori roll with his chopsticks with a defiant stab.

“How can you not like sushi,” He asked disdainfully, but I knew he was just having a childish moment of wounded pride.

“I don’t know, I just don’t understand what the big deal is about it, I mean rice just tastes like rice and seafood, if it’s really fresh, doesn’t really have a taste so…what’s the point?” I asked.

“It’s subtle and complex,” he defended.

“Yeah you know what that means? It’s like real estate talk, like “cosy” meaning small. Subtle means, little to no taste and complex is trying to taste anything but seaweed.”

“I can’t believe I am having a relationship with you,” he sighed shaking his head, his cheek round and puffy with food.

“Oh right, like we ever agreed on anything before. Besides, it’s the thought that counts and I really appreciate the thought, it was a very nice thing to do,” I said earnestly.

“You sure you don’t want a pizza?”

“Yes, I am sure. Look these ones here aren’t too bad, I’ll have these,” I said turning the tray so that the tuna ones were right in front of me.

“Well okay, but don’t feel obliged to-“

“So anyway,” I interrupted changing the subject “I have to tell you something.”

“Hmmm,” he hummed with a full mouth as I washed the taste of nori out of my mouth with wine.

“You know when I left on Sunday night?”

“Yes,” he nodded.

“Adrian was at my door,” I told him and watched his eyebrows flicker up with interest.

“Seriously, were you in the bed sheet still?”

“Yes…he called you a collector.”

“Really? Andrew Beige called me a collector,” he asked as though the thought that people said things like that about him had never crossed his mind.

“Yeah he did.”

“Do you think I’m a collector?” he asked as I made figure eights in my wasabi with the tips of my chopsticks.

“No,” I said finally laying my chopsticks down and pouring myself more wine.

“No? That’s not the impression I get from you when we argue about those women that come and go through here.”

“Well…it’s like you said, there’s sex and there’s relationships right?”

“Right,” he smiled because I seemed to be getting it.

“So what do you want from me?” I was finally able to ask him and at the end of the day, I realized that all my apprehension with Justin, boiled down to that one question.

“What do you mean what do I want from you, isn’t it clear?”

“Well you said, and I agree, that there’s either just sex or relationships right? But you weren’t all that interested in the relationship before the sex happened and I’m just making sure you know what you want.”

“We were having a relationship, before we had sex,” he said but I knew it wasn’t the kind of relationship I was referring to and I stared him straight in the eye so he’d know that semantics weren’t going to fly here right now.

“Look,” he said placing his chopsticks down, “If you’re asking if I told you to be with me just because I wanted to see if you’d pick me over Beige, no, I didn’t. Because for reasons I can’t yet comprehend, I do actually have feelings for you.”

“Okay good,” I nodded satisfied, “’cause I feel exactly the same way, you know I have no idea what the hell we’re doing together right?”

“Oh yeah, we’ll either be together forever or there’s going to be a homicide,” he responded and I now felt so much better about the whole decision to see where this thing with Justin was heading, now that he wasn’t quite sure why he wanted me either. In a strange kind of way that comforted me and I smiled at him and he gave me a wink.

“Are you going to eat that? I’d hate for that beautiful BlueFin Tuna to go to waste.” 

“You know they’re endangered right?” 

“Yeah, because they taste so damn good,” he retorted and I laughed and looked down at the last tuna nori roll I had overloaded with soy and wasabi and shook my head. 

“All yours.”

 When I woke up I was starving.

I could still hear the rain and I sighed wondering if it would ever let up, knowing there were only so many mud fights we could have to keep from getting on each other’s nerves.

With Justin still asleep beside me, I crept out of bed carefully, got dressed and tip-toed out of the room to the landing upstairs.

I walked down to the kitchen and began rummaging through the groceries we’d brought with us for something that appealed and ruling out cereal and potato chips, Instant Noodles appeared to be as good as I could get.

I took out a package and walked to the stove where I heard a soft wrapping at the back door, where I found Mrs. Perret, the ranch owner standing on the back porch with a casserole dish of some kind.

She smiled warmly and I hurried to get the door.

“Hello dear, Justin must not be here, but I thought I’d bring over this meatball casserole that he likes so much,” she said as I took the heavy dish from her before she toppled over.

“Thank you Mrs. Perret, that’s so lovely, I’m sure he’ll appreciate it very much,” I smiled and stepped aside, “would you like to come in?”

“Oh no, no I can’t honey, I just wanted to drop off the casserole and make sure you have everything you need,” she said making me smile with her warmth and hospitability.

“I think we’re okay, but if we do need anything we’ll let you know,” I assured her and she nodded and slowly turned around before thinking better and turning back to me.

“What happened to the other girl?”

I immediately bit the inside of my mouth.

“The other girl?”

“Yes the other girl he brought out here those few times,” she elaborated and there it was.

I snickered a little more to myself and looked down at my feet.

I should have known, and I wasn’t surprised, but I was still mad.

“Um…I don’t know, maybe she moved away.” It was the best I could do considering how foolish I was feeling.

“Oh that’s a shame. You look after him though won’t you?”

I laughed ironically to myself but then nodded politely.

“Yes Mrs. Perret, I’ll certainly do that.”

Had she not been as old as she was, she probably would have picked up on my sarcastic tone but as she left, I sighed and carried the casserole dish back to the kitchen.

I sat at the bench and tried not to get angry, but he left me with too much time to think about it and a little while later Justin shuffled into the kitchen, bleary eyed and bewildered from sleep.

I barely flinched as he walked around the island, stood behind me and kissed my cheek before turning to the fridge behind me.

“Was someone here?” he asked, his voice scratchy and not yet awake.

I was miles away and took a second to respond.

“Yeah Mrs. Perret, dropped of a meatball casserole,” I said finally staring straight ahead unblinking as he fussed around behind me.

“Oh fuck yeah. I fucking love her meatball casserole. She’s a sweetheart isn’t she?”

“Yeah she is,” I said chewing my thumb, “Too bad she’s not playing with a full deck anymore,” I said casually.

“What do you mean,” Justin asked distractedly eyeing the casserole dish and I turned on my bar stool to face him.

“Well she kept asking about “the other girl…”” I said watching carefully for his reaction, “’Where’s the other girl he used to bring up here?” she asked me and I said “well Mrs. Perret, there is no other girl,” but she said “No, no the other girl he used come here with,”” I said doing a half hearted impression of an older lady and he wasn’t looking at me, but I could see him playing it way too cool.

“That’s kind of weird,” he said simply and I remained silent and I continued to stare at him, so that he knew I didn’t believe him and I was giving him a chance to tell the truth, but he also remained silent and the mere fact that he was just standing there staring at the casserole, looking uncomfortable was all I needed.

“Why are you lying to me?”

“Don’t make a big deal about it Soph,” he said instantly and I snickered having got my answer and turned away from him in my seat.

“See, this is why I didn’t tell you,” he said, making it sound like he was justified in not telling me, which only made me more angry, but still I turned in my chair and spoke very calmly albeit a little tightly.

“No, Justin, I’m not mad that you have brought other girls up here, I’m mad that I asked you if you had and you said “No.””

“Because I didn’t want you think I did this all the time.”

“Do you do it all the time?”

“No!”

“Then why lie? How many girls have you brought out here Justin, be honest.”

“It was just one other girl, this is exactly why I didn’t tell you,” he said in an infuriatingly even tone and the more he tried to make it sound like I was mad about nothing or the fact that he’d brought someone else out to the ranch, rather than the fact that he lied about it, the madder I got.

“No it’s better that you lie about it and then I find out that you lied and I then sit around wondering what else you’ve lied to me about. And the fact that you’re being so righteous in your attempt to make it seem like I’m overreacting is pissing me off even more.”

“You’re being so dramatic about nothing.”

“You know every time you say things like that, I get more worked up because, instead of just saying “Yeah okay Soph, I should have just told you” you’re making the assumption that I would have overreacted.”

“Look at you, you are overreacting!”

“Because you’re goading me!”

“I’m not talking to you about this any more, you’re being childish,” he said coolly and I suddenly didn’t know what to do with the rage that was now inside me.

I pressed my fingertips into my temples and slid off the bar stool needing to get out of the kitchen and away from Justin.

“Jesus Christ Sophie! You’re being ridiculous,” he bellowed suddenly kicking the barstool heatedly and sending it crashing to the ground, before I could make it out and I hated how he was making me sound like I was being irrational.

I turned and sighed looking up at him as he slowly strode over to where I was and I was too fired up to be intimidated by his imposing frame.

“You’re right. I am ridiculous. I don’t know how I let myself get caught up with someone like you-“

“Someone like me?” he asked evenly but his cool tone was white fire.

“Yeah, someone like you. Someone so fucking out of touch with themselves that they don’t even realize that they’re wrong!“

“Because I brought a girl out here?”

“Because you LIED!” I bellowed, my rage finally getting the better of me and I pushed him with both hands, and though it barely made an impact sending him only a couple of steps back, I needed the outlet. “FUCK why can’t you get that through your head! Stop making it sound like it’s about the other girls, I know all about the other girls, the hundreds and hundreds—“ I thought I was going to pass out from rage and realization that I was referring to “all the other girls,” a concept that had only now just sunk in and that I was surely now one of them, I had to stop and take a breath,

“Oh god, I can’t do this. I can’t talk to you,” I said making a break for the hallway but he caught my arm and pulled it hard.

I didn’t know what it was about us that seemed to almost like seeing each other out of control, but he was goading me and I couldn’t help responding.

“Sophie, stop it!” he spat, his authoritive tone, condescending enough to push me right over.

“Let go!” I said trying to yank my arm free as we stood in the hallway struggling with each other, his strength too much to contend with, but I spent the next few minutes trying.

“Calm down, listen to me!”

“I don’t want to listen to you, I want you to leave me alone!”

“Stop struggling Sophie, you’re going to hurt yourself!”

“Then let go!”

“Not until you calm down and listen!”He said, his hands were clamped tightly around my upper arms and his grip hurt and the fact that I couldn’t move away from him was making it worse as we pinballed down the hallway, knocking over the hallway table and scraping a picture frame off the wall sending it crashing to the ground.

Assuming danger, Barney latched onto Justin’s sweatpants and the distraction loosened his grip on me enough to break free, and though I didn’t mean too, my arm shot up out of his grasp catching his face hard, shocking us both enough to stop breathlessly for a seemingly endless moment.

Justin touched the back of his hand to his lip and inspected the small amount of blood, but the amount of blood wasn’t the point and I could see he was barely able to keep it together and he was shaking with anger that I prayed he could control.

“Happy?” he asked and I stood helplessly still, watching as he wiped his lip with his t-shirt and bent to pick up his keys that had landed on the floor when the hallway table came crashing down.

He snatched at the front door handle and ripped the front door open, and left then announcing his exit with an almighty slam of the door that made me gasp and my legs gave way beneath me as I slid down the wall and sat on the floor too numb and stunned to cry or even react for the longest time.

I heard the tires of his car screeching away and Barney sat in front of me with his head down, sniffing cautiously at my leg as though he was asking if I was okay.

I wasn’t.

I knew I couldn’t be there when he got back, but I didn’t know how I was supposed to get away.I would have walked all the way back to the city if I thought that I could have, and I was only rational enough to know that that unfortunately wasn’t an option.

I felt cornered and helpless, but not in the wrong.I couldn’t let him lie to me and I couldn’t let him play it down or talk to me like my concerns were trivial which in the end was why I got so mad in the first place.

I knew then that I had failed miserably at not becoming one of his conquests.

And though we were sure to not continue our relationship in any way when we got back to the city, I bitterly hoped that at least he’d always remember that I went out fighting rather than sitting by the phone waiting for a call he promised that would never eventuate like the other girls.

I sat for so long anxious for his return, that every time I heard anything that even remotely sounded like a car, my gut tightened so much, I thought I’d be sick.

I didn’t know what I’d say, if I’d say anything, but I knew I wouldn’t apologize.

I picked myself up and straightened out the mess in the hallway with shaky arms and hands as the light started to fade.The thought of having to stay overnight after what had happened was sickening and I had to get out of the house regardless of the rain that was still falling outside.

I went out to the back and started heading out across the paddock.It was cold, but at least the rain was now slowing and I kept my sweater wrapped tightly around me with my hood up over my head and Barney walking instinctively close to my stride.

I wanted to be home so bad.

I wanted to be at home on my couch under my crochet blanket with Bowser on the backrest behind my head and Barney in my lap.I felt so far away from all of that, out in the cold rain, with only a colder house to go back to, despite all the fancy heating it had throughout.

I suddenly remembered Adrian, and I couldn’t help thinking that this surely would never have happened with him.

The further I walked, the clearer it became to me that Justin was not a monster in any way, but he just wasn’t for me. The thought of staying with him and the possibility of more body bending arguments like the one just past held no appeal no matter how good he was in bed or how well he held my curiosity.

It was well after eight when I decided to walk back to the house and I’d exhausted every possibility of an escape route.

I hoped Justin wouldn’t be there, but I knew he was because the lights inside were on and glowing in the distance that grew nearer with every hesitant step I took forwards.

I was wet, but anxious energy guarded me from the cold as I walked slowly up the back steps and forced myself to go inside.

He was sitting hunched over a glass of scotch at the kitchen island with his head in his hands and though I felt bad for him, I had to remember that I also felt awful.

The wire door at the back squeaked shut, catching his attention, and he lifted his head, and stared directly ahead rather than turning to look at me knowing now that I was there with his hands now over just his mouth.

I decided I wanted to get this over and done with, and vowed that no matter what, I would keep my cool.

I walked over slowly with my hands deep in my sweater pockets and stood nearby him at the bench, his eyes flickering to watch me without turning his head.

I couldn’t tell if he was still mad with the way that half of his face was hidden behind his hands.I tried to work out what I was going to say to him without apologizing because as far as I was concerned, I didn’t have anything to apologize for.

“I didn’t mean to hit you,” I offered, and I was probably barely audible, but I knew he heard me from the way he sighed heavily and lowered his hands to take up his glass and have a sip of scotch.He put the glass back down and folded his arms down on the bench shuffling his chair closer in.

“Yeah well…I’m sorry I lied to you about not having brought anybody else here,” he said and I could see he was very uncomfortable and still very tense.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to say next and I wasn’t sure that he was much in the mood for talking.

“I’m going to go and have a shower and pack up my stuff,” I said finally figuring the talk would either have to wait or better yet not eventuate and I started towards the hallway.

“You know the very few times, like maybe twice, that I did bring someone out here, I was so sure about them,” he said, stopping me short of the hallway as he finally spoke up.“I liked ‘em so much I wanted to just take ‘em somewhere out of the city, somewhere quiet and just really get to know them, you know?”

He took another sip and set his glass back down and the cold was starting to set in now as I shivered standing by the hallway.

“I think I need to stop coming here, it’s been nothing but bad luck, I didn’t even make it back to the city before the break up this time,” he said spitefully but more to himself and I felt awful for how he was feeling, but I knew he’d be okay eventually and even better without me.

“I know that I made a shitty decision by not telling you that I brought other girls here, and I know I push you hard sometimes, but that look on your face, that “I knew it” look and all the assumptions that came with it, was exactly the scenario I was trying to avoid. I can just see it every time you look at me; you’re waiting for me to fuck everything up so that you can feel justified in those assumptions and keeping me at arms distance.”

“I’m not keeping you at arms-“

“You are, Soph,” he said quietly, but adamantly.

“Justin, you’re forgetting that I chose you. I keep telling you it’s not the other women, it’s that you lied, the fact that any little thing that comes up between us ends up in one of those arguments, and I can’t do that all the time the way we do, Justin, it hurts too much and completely goes against the reasons why we decided to see where this would go,” I said and he clicked his tongue and sipped more scotch.

“Ah, you have it in your head that I’m the riddle and Adrian is the sure thing, the only reason you chose me was so that when it inevitably fell apart, you could go back to Adrian without any voices in the back of your head bothering you about what might have been with me,” he said into his steadily emptying glass.

I was caught off guard by the honesty of his words, like he had access to my insecure thoughts and I stood unable to say anything as he knocked back the last of his drink and stood from the bar stool.

“The shitty thing is, you’ll still never know about what kind of relationship we could have had because you’re ending it, before you’ve even bothered to get to really know me or give this a chance.” He shuffled towards me with heavy feet and as much as my mind rushed to find some words, I had none that fully articulated how sorry I was. Something I adamantly resisted less than ten minutes ago.

He stopped next me on his way out of the kitchen and stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers, catching a stray tear that spilled involuntarily from my eye at his touch.

“Don’t cry,” he said with a kind of acceptance in his voice that had the same effect as someone saying “Don’t look down.”

“We’ll have an early night and head back early in the morning. I’ll sleep in the spare room.”

 The long, arduous drive back to our building was nothing short of torturous.

Justin talked a lot about the history of the musicians that came up on his iPod and I pretended to be fascinated, but the tension was undeniable and obvious at times when even he had to have a break from talking.

It was apparent that remaining even friends with each other might have been a stretch, at least then, because the way we were behaving with each other during the course of that drive home was so contrived and overly civil that it just added to the discomfort.

He was acting like he wasn’t bothered and so was I, but it couldn’t have been further from the truth of it.

I had to refrain from leaping out of the car when we made it back to the parking lot below our building, I was so anxious to have space from him.

Barney walked beside me as we took the elevator up and my floor was first.

When the doors opened, I knew I had to say something about it. And from the way he was looking at me, he knew I was going to also.

“Thanks for taking me out there, it was nice…you know…up until the right hook,” I said trying to make light and he laughed a little and shrugged. “I’m sorry…about everything,” I offered more solemnly.

“Yeah I am too, Soph,” he said politely, “don’t be a stranger though, okay? There’s no reason we can’t still hang out.”

“Yeah definitely, no one else will watch Saved by the Bell marathons with me, you’re bound to that job,” I told him and he laughed again.

“Deal.”

“I’ll see you around,” I said and he lifted his hand and waved as the elevator doors shut and it honestly felt like I’d never see him again. A thought that didn’t sit well with me, but I quickly decided would be better if it were to end up that way.   

 The days that passed after that weekend were long and exhausting.Every time I had to recount what had happened to either Estelle, David or Jules, it took it out of me emotionally and for the first time in I don’t know how long, I sustained a crying session for more than three hours.

Luckily I was in my apartment with Jules when it happened, who was there to move the pizza box away to prevent our pepperoni pie from getting soggy with my tears.

I could tell she didn’t really understand exactly why Justin and I decided to end it, but she didn’t say anything. At least not in words.

“Well there ya go,” she said pushing her glasses back up the bridge of her nose, “now you can call that Andrew guy-“

“Urgh, why does everyone keep call him Andrew, its Adrian, how hard is it to remember the name Adrian,” my words were sharp and more directed at Justin than Jules, but she didn’t seem to notice my gripe.

“Well sorry. Adrian. Whatever, but now you can call him and be with him and YAY!”

“He won’t want to have anything to do with me after all this fuss and bother,” I said sure of it.

“Didn’t he tell you he’d basically wait for you in the filing room?”

“Well yeah, but I can’t expect that from him and besides, he’s freaking gorgeous, I’m sure he’s probably married to someone else by now.”

“After one weekend?”

“You know what I mean,” I sighed.

“You haven’t seen him since you’ve been back?”

“Yeah I see him every day, we just don’t talk…you know…like Justin and I now…we don’t talk,” I said more tears spilling form my eyes and Jules laughed and rubbed my back.

“Awwwwww, poor Sophie,” she said at the point now where my tears were just humorous.“Give him time, he’ll talk to you again you’ll see.”

I didn’t respond, I just shoved another slice of pizza into my mouth and sunk back further against my couch looking up at the ceiling.

“You could have at least stayed with Justin long enough to be introduced to his friends, though,” she said and I couldn’t help but laugh finally and shake my head.

“I knew you’d say that.”

“Well! I’m just saying.”

“Oh well, it doesn’t matter now,” I sighed, taking another bite from the flexible slice as it bowed towards me, “He hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.”

I didn’t know for sure. I hadn’t heard from him and it was now Wednesday, which wasn’t unusual if he was going away somewhere, but I didn’t know if he was away or if he was right upstairs…hating me. 

The next day at work it was around 10:30am when I decided to finally head into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.

Sure enough, Adrian was in there washing out his coffee mug and he looked over his shoulder to see who had come in and as soon as he saw me, he smiled.

“Hey Sophie.”

“Hey,” I greeted sidling up beside him at the bench to wait for my turn to rinse out my coffee mug.

“How’s things,” he asked and I obviously wasn’t going to tell him how things were, I felt a little stab at the thought of how I really was.

“I’m okay, you know…just trying to get through this week.”

“Yeah tell me about it, I have another presentation I have to do for Sales by the end of this week on top of the other three I’ve already had to do…I can’t wait for Saturday.”

“I bet,” I said unable to believe how awkward I felt around him now.

“So…how’s things with Justin?” he asked quietly, but stared directly at me and though I was caught off guard by his question, I felt compelled to tell the truth.

“Oh…we’re not really seeing each other anymore,” I said, unable to really look at him.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, and I looked up at him surprised, a satisfied little grin on his face that should have bothered me but didn’t.

“How-“

“Estelle.”

“Oh,” was all I could find to say and I awkwardly went about washing my coffee mug out while he poured himself a fresh cup.

“I better get back to my desk,” he said throwing his stirrer into the bin next to my legs. “Why don’t we have lunch this week,” he suggested trying to mask any agenda, but I saw right through it.

“I don’t think I’m really ready for that, Adrian,” I said trying to cut to the chase.

“Okay…how about next week then?”I looked up at him and he smiled and sipped his coffee cheekily starting towards the door.“Next week it is then. By the way, I know something you don’t know,” he said cheekily and I was instantly intrigued.

“What?”

“Hmmm, you’ll see,” he said disappearing before I could protest, but I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

As I headed back to my desk, I could hear my supervisor, Mary calling out to me.

“Soph, do you have a minute? Bring your coffee with you.”

She was in the Managing directors office which instantly made my stomach sink and I immediately tried to recall all the files I had recently touched and what I could have done to mess them up and I must have looked worried because David watched me walked by his desk and tightened his bottom lip discreetly.

Mary and Garry were sitting on one side of the table and when they saw me, Garry motioned to the chair opposite to them.

“Have a seat Soph, shut the door behind you.”

I was now panicked and reached behind me shut the door while trying not to spill my coffee from my shaking hands.

“Have I done something wrong?” I couldn’t help but ask as I walked over to the seat, and both Mary and Garry maintained their poker faces.

“Sit down,” Garry said again and I did, placing my coffee on his desk because I simply couldn’t hold it anymore.

“How’s things?” Garry asked casually and I raised my eyebrows cautiously.

“Fine,” I responded meekly, knowing full well they didn’t want to talk to me about how I was going.

“Good, good. Well, let’s not beat around the bush then, the reason we wanted to talk to you Sophie, is because as you may or may not know, Mary is actually resigning from her position as the general supervisor as of a month from now,” Garry began and Mary smiled.

I realized I had been so caught up in the whole Justin/Adrian thing that I hadn’t even been paying attention to what was going on in the office anymore.

“No! I didn’t know that!”I was genuinely shocked. I liked Mary, she was a good supervisor and everyone liked her for her fair flexible approach.

“Yeah I’m moving to Colorado actually, with my husband,” she explained briefly and I nodded in understanding.

“And the reason we wanted to meet with you was,” Gary continued, “Mary and I were discussing her replacement, and given your experience and tenure with the company, we both felt you would be an excellent candidate for the role…if of course you’re interested.”

“Me?” I asked pointing to myself completely caught unawares.

They both smiled and nodded.

“Yes well we could have hired externally, but Soph, you know all the systems, you know all the procedures, you’re already the go-to-person in Mary’s absence and to be quite frank we didn’t see any value in going through the external hiring process and paying thousands of dollars to agencies to find a replacement, when there was someone more than qualified right under our noses,” Garry explained, and a wide smile spread all the way across my face.

“If you’re interested in the role, we’ll provide you with training, we’ll pay for your studies and you’ll be involved in everything from client relations to marketing, to sales…it’s really an exciting opportunity, will you think about it?”

Think about it? Was he kidding?

“I…I don’t think I need to think about it, I am very flattered and grateful that this position is being offered to me and I’d be honored to accept it…pending contract negotiations,” I added and both Garry and Mary laughed.

“Oh she’s going to be very good in this role,” Garry said to Mary who nodded and smiled.

“I know she will,” she said giving me a warm wink and suddenly my week had gone from zero to hero.

When I left the office, I had an irrepressible smile on my face and Adrian’s head popped up from behind his cubical and he smiled widely and gave me a quick thumbs up before disappearing back down behind the partition and I realized that he must have known all along.

Negotiations would be ongoing until I signed a contract and until then, Garry and Mary wanted me to keep it a secret.

I wondered if that was the case, how Adrian would have known, but I knew I’d find out eventually.

I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to at least be able to tell someone about it, but I was sworn to secrecy until the official office announcement.

In all my joy, Justin still managed to infiltrate my thoughts, thinking that ordinarily I would have raced up to his apartment once I got home to tell him something like this.

I guessed he wouldn’t want to hear from me still so I ruled it out and made the connection then about how few friends I actually had because of that job and suddenly felt a promotion was certainly justified.

Almost immediately as I sat back down at my desk, an email from Adrian popped into my inbox.

Congrats, it read simply.

How did you know? I responded and awaited his reply.

Mary told me she was leaving and when she started complaining about the hiring/replacement process, I suggested that surely there was someone internally who they could promote…like…say…oh I don’t know. SOPHIE!

You’re practically doing her job anyway…

Anyway…guess they bought it. 

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. That this was essentially his doing even after everything I did to him.

A smile formed on my shocked face and I shook my head in disbelief.

I didn’t know what to say.

Thank you, I swrote simply and it didn’t even begin to scratch the surface of my gratitude, but I hoped there would come a day when I could more accurately express to him how I felt.

For what? I didn’t do anything, I merely planted a seed.

I’m taking you out for a drink to celebrate. Please don’t say no.

I laughed. How could I possibly say no?

A moment later, before I had a chance to respond, he walked by my desk making a drinking action with his hand.

“Yes? Yes?”

“Yes,” I accepted, and he smiled as he kept walking on by.

“Good.”  

That night we walked over to Murph’s for beers and nachos.

It was a total of about half an hour spent with Adrian that made me wonder how I could deny that he and I fit together better than anything else I ever had in my life.

I felt like I was on an equal playing field with him and we talked, laughed and flirted all night, enjoying ourselves so much we didn’t notice the hours go by.

It was so easy to be with Adrian and despite how nice he was, I was also treated to a little bit of his fire that came out following an unwelcome, drunken advance by one of the other patrons at the bar.

I didn’t worry for a moment, seeing that Adrian was just perfect in every way.In fact it was a little sickening. Or maybe it was just that I’d had too many white wines.

“It’s getting late, I think I need to sleep off these,” I said waving an empty wine glass between my fingers.

“Yeah, I forgot we have work tomorrow, but at least it’s Friday” he grinned polishing off the rest of his beer and we gathered up our belongings and stepped outside.

“I’m going to need your cab skills,” I told him knowing I was too drunk, too tired and too happy to manage to hail a cab on my own and he smiled.

Sure enough a simple wave of his hand had two cabs pulling up to the curb in front of the bar and I shook my head in disbelief as he smiled, pleased with himself.

“Un- freakin’- believable,” I sighed as he pulled the door open for me and I stepped off the curb and turned to face him.

“Thanks for the recommendation, thanks for the drinks…and thanks for…just being so sweet to me.”

“Well I like you, Sophie,” he said simply and I smiled.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t know why exactly, but…I know you do…and I like you too. So much.”

“Kinda wish I didn’t get you drunk, now you’re getting all sentimental on me,” he said touching my face and I closed my eyes.

“Did you mean what you said in the filing room?” I asked, sobering up fast and looking up to his blue eyes, “You know, about calling you and picking up where we left off?”

He dropped his hand down and sunk them into his coat pockets.

“Yeah, I did,” he said and smiled, “but not tonight, you’ve had a lot to drink and I think you need some time to process everything that happened between you and-”

“What happened between Justin and I was you, Adrian, I kept expecting him to act like, and be like you,” I told him, and the way Adrian was looking at me made me smile because it was like he couldn’t quite believe it. “I know now that I want to be with you”

A slow smile spread a cross his face and he looked away and sighed.

“Well…if you still feel the same way when you wake up tomorrow-”

”I’m not that drunk”

“…you know where I’ll be,” he finished despite my protests and I laughed and nodded.

“I’ll be in touch then,” I assured him and we kissed briefly before he finally took my hand and helped me into the cab, closing the door and waving good bye before rushing to get into his own.

Quite some time elapsed after my promotion and I still hadn’t heard from Justin. He hadn’t called or stopped by even once, but neither had I. I had read somewhere that he was away filming a movie, and in a way it calmed me to know he wasn’t just a few floors away, and that if I ever wanted to, I couldn’t just go up to see him.

I wondered about him often, but the time I’d been spending with Adrian helped to reduce the pangs I felt when I did.

Adrian and I got very serious very fast, in an effortless kind of way that wasn’t alarming or raised any conscious or unconscious doubts in my mind.

We quickly fell into a routine of wake up, shower, breakfast, work, dinner, sex, sleep repeat but both of our jobs meant the monotony was broken up by late nights, classes and conferences.

My new role was every bit as consuming as I thought it would be, but I didn’t mind, because it felt like a whole new world of opportunities were opened up to me and suddenly I was learning, networking and my hard work was rewarded with a pay increase that made things a whole lot easier for me.

Days turned into weeks, which turned into months and before I knew it, I’d been in my new job for just over four months. Four months into my relationship with Adrian and I knew I made the right choice.

We played, we loved, we laughed, we argued, but then we made up and everything was okay again.

I was in my bedroom packing a suitcase for a conference and industry charity event to Philadelphia when Adrian came into my room dripping wet from the shower wearing little more than a towel and suddenly I was very distracted from my task.

“Your body is amazing,” I complimented him staring at his chest mesmerized as he laughed and shook his head modestly.

“Shut uuuup.”

I grinned and fastened the zipper, lifting my suitcase off the bed and placing it by the door as Adrian pulled on some jeans and smiled at me from the other side of my bed before he pulled a t-shirt on over his head.

“How long are you gone for?”

“Four days.”

“So we have to have sex four times tonight to make up for the days you’re going to be gone,” he grinned smoothing back his wet hair and hanging his wet towel over my bed head.

“Four times? If you make it to four times, I’ll throw in the fifth for free,” I said teasing him and his tendency to fall asleep after just once.

“Well, some would argue that its quality not quantity,” he said wrapping his arms around me and I leaned into him and looked up at his eyes.

“I’m going to miss you. I hate being away from you,” I sighed remembering the last business trip I’d been sent on and how much of my downtime I spent on the phone with him.

“I know, Soph, I hate it when you’re away too, but maybe when you come back we can think about going on a vacation or, maybe even just a weekend away from the city, how about that?”

“That sounds perfect,” I grinned widely at the thought and he kissed me twice and lifted me up into his arms and carried me over to the bed, lowering me down onto the mattress and lying down beside me as we stared at each other smiling for a moment.

He took my hand and kissed it softly before rubbing it against his rough cheek.

“I have to tell you something,” he said quietly as I rolled onto my side to face him.“I just wanted to tell you that I know we’ve only been together for a little while, but I can totally see myself settling down with someone like you.”

He looked up into my face immediately to see my reaction to his words and I smiled, but my chest tightened a little.

“I know we had a couple of false starts, but we both knew it was always going to work out between us, right?”

I nodded and leaned in to kiss his cheek.“Yeah.”

“So I just wanted you to know that, I am serious about us and I want to give you something.”

As he turned over reach into his gym bag, my mouth instantly dried and my heart began to race.I hoped against hope that he wasn’t about to do what I thought he was going to.I saw a small, dark blue velvet ring box in his hand and I shot up into a sitting position

“Adrian,” I began and he was quick to jump in.

“It’s not what you think,” he assured me and I relaxed a little then, my cheeks flushed and my heart pounding away.

He held it out to me and I forced a smile, taking it reluctantly.

“Well…open it,” he said as I held it in my hands, not knowing what to expect.

I peeled open the lid and if it wasn’t an engagement ring, then I couldn’t imagine what he would give me when he actually did propose.

“Oh my goodness Adrian,” I sighed looking up at him wide eyed as I pulled out the ring from the box.

It was a white gold band with two diamonds and three aquamarine stones in an alternating pattern along the band and it was gorgeous.

“Do you like it?” he asked hesitantly and I almost choked.

“Like it? I love it…Adrian it’s…gorgeous,” I said sincerely still completely shocked and taken aback by his gift.

“Good I’m glad, here let me put it on you, let’s see if it fits,” he said pinching the ring from me and I held out my left hand.

“Which finger?” He asked and I smiled.

“Which finger was it intended for?” I asked and he laughed a little and pointed to my ring finger.

“It kind of intended to be a commitment gesture…I guess.” He said awkwardly and I couldn’t help from leaning him and kissing him.

“Like a promise ring?”

“Yeah. Yeah, a promise ring,” he nodded and slid the ring on my ring finger leaving me beaming.

“I love you,” I told him, laying out beside him again and pulling him over me.

“I love you too,” he managed to say before I literally attacked him, both deciding to go to bed early and stay up late.  

I had a flight to catch early the next morning, and in the cab on the way to the airport, I couldn’t stop looking at the ring.

I was suddenly for all intents and purposes a “kept woman” and it felt amazing.I didn’t think about the fact that I had panicked a little when I thought he was going to propose, but I simply wouldn’t have been ready to commit to him that way yet, and I just dreaded telling him that.

Luckily, though, he knew me well enough to know that I loved him enough to commit to him without the wedding and fuss until later on down the road. 

Once in Philadelphia, I met with Garry who I would be attending the conference and social events with.

It was three intensive days of presentation after presentation, followed by long, expensive social dinners and then on the last night in Philadelphia we had a cocktail party and silent auction for charity were I’d pretend to be delighted, meeting a bunch of people that I didn’t know.

Garry was fun though, and kept formalities to a minimum wherever possible.The point of being introduced to all the high rollers, and executives, he’d told me, was to begin assembling a network or contacts.

I was eager to impress, so I tried where possible to pay as much attention to the presentations and the information being given, because I knew it would help me when meeting the myriad of business people and talk to them specifically about the subjects they had presented on.

The charity cocktail party was to be held in the hotels reception room and since it was apparently quite a to-do, I decided that red lipstick was called for.

I poured myself into my strapless black dress and straightened the hem that reached just above my calves and slipped on my black heels that I knew I’d have to oil off my feet by the end of the night, having bought them half a size too small, but at a bargain price of 60% off.

I left my hair out and after a quick five minute make up face of blush, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick, I was done.

I felt hot, and unfortunately the only people who would benefit would be 50+ year old executives and I suddenly regretted the dress I brought thinking I probably should have brought something a bit more conservative.

Still, it was too late now, and all I could do was resolving to be extra charming and on the ball and impress all the stuffy executives with lots of made up statistics.

All I had to do was get through the night without making a fool of myself and then I could go home and see Adrian and my babies.

The cocktail function was every bit as boring as I thought it would be and though Garry tried desperately to make light of the evening, real businessmen were virtually incapable of anything other than shoptalk.

I was introduced to so many people I could barely remember a name, but I was right in amongst it and was able to surprise even myself with how much I’d learned over the past four months and was glad that I seemed to be making an impression.

I was listening to a gentleman from Scotland, whose accent was so thick, I could barely understand him and I don’t know what made me look up when I did, but at first I thought I’d imagined it.

A familiarly slim frame and a head covered with dirty blond curls that caught my breath in my throat made my heart skip a beat.

Maybe I sensed him looking over his shoulder at me in the furthest corner of the room, but there was Justin with a small group of people that he was no longer paying attention to, and I wasn’t either.

He smiled slightly and raised his glass discreetly to greet me and every cell in my body froze.

All I could do was half smile and I remembered I was being spoken to by someone in my immediate presence, so I turned my attention back to them, at least with my eyes, but they might as well have been talking in gibberish for all I knew.

I was surely in some other place now and all my networking tactics went out the window.

I was suddenly a doe-eyed, vapid listener rather that a confident, knowledgeable business associate and I simply needed to take a breath and pull myself together.

It was hard though.He looked so good in his suit, with his hair grown out a bit and that casual confidence that I once found distracting and annoying.

I felt Garry’s hand on my back as he guided me over to meet more people and this time, I was careful to make sure that I was giving the right impression, which made an already hard task seem insurmountable when I could see Justin out of the corner of my eye watching me and sipping his drink.

During the lulls in conversation I’d sneak a glance over at him and he was now unabashedly staring.I was getting uncomfortable and had to do something about it.

“I’m sorry, can I be excused for one moment?” I said to my company and Garry eyed me concerned for a moment.

“Ladies room,” I whispered and he nodded relieved.

I made my way towards the direction of the restrooms past Justin, and then stopped when I was out of everyone else’s line of sight, making my way along to the opposite wall where I would come in directly behind him.

As I neared him, he seemed to be looking around for me and I grasped his arm gently to get his attention.

“Hey,” I greeted and he turned around and looked down at me with a half smile.

“Hey Sophie, how you doing?”He leaned in and I kissed his cheek politely.

“What are you doing here?” I asked curiously as he leaned against a pillar which I was glad for because he blocked me from Garry’s view.

“I bought into a design company and I’m here with my business partners,” he explained motioning over his shoulder to the people I saw him talking with earlier.

“Wow, that’s really exciting, congratulations,” I offered and he nodded.

“Yeah thanks, looks like you’re not doing too badly yourself,” he said looking me up and down and my head cocked, slightly used to his charm by now.

“Yeah, I got a big kid’s job it would seem.”

“You and Andrew married already,” he asked pointing at my ring which I’d forgotten all about.

“No, Adrian and I aren’t married, it was a gift.”

“Aw, that’s nice,” he said flippantly, not at all concerned with how believable he sounded.

“How have you been,” I asked, trying to change the very uncomfortable subject between us.

“Me, I’ve been awesome,” he said with enthusiasm, “been shooting a movie in Boston, busy with the company, a friend of mine is getting married in a couple of weeks and asked me to be the best man,” he listed.

“Wow, that’s awesome,” I said nodding and seemed to genuinely be really happy besides the fact that now that I was standing right in front of him he was barely looking at me anymore.

“How about you, you seeing anyone?” I asked politely, curiously.

“Nope,” he shook his head, “no time for that,” he said coolly and I smiled because I knew him better than that.

“What?” he asked and I shook my head.

“No, nothing.”

“What does it matter anyway?” he asked some attitude creeping into his voice, and it was then I knew he still wasn’t completely over what had happened between us.

“It doesn’t, I was just making conversation.”

“Right,” he said looking around the room like he wasn’t interested in talking anymore and I didn’t know why I bothered to approach him.

“See you around,” I said turning on my heels and starting to walk away.

“Yeah take care,” he said like I was a stranger that was bothering him, which pissed me off and I turned back to him and got right up close to him.

“If you’re still sore about the fact that I chose Adrian over you, get over it!”

“Oh, here she goes,” he rolled his eyes.

“No, I’m done. Enjoy your evening,” I said and turned to walk away but he caught my arm and began pulling me towards the back of the room.

“What the hell are you doing? Please let go!”

“Don’t’ make a scene,” he said as I shuffled along in my heels, that I was concentrating too much to remain balanced on, to allow me to fight him at all.

“I swear, I’ll make such a spectacle of us both,” I warned him as he pushed me into a closed off section behind a curtain with little room to move.

“No you won’t, Sophie. You won’t because this is your job and you wouldn’t dream of doing anything to jeopardize it, least of all for the sake of some asshole who just wants you to admit that you still think about him.”

He was so close to me, pinning me between a wall and I was starting to get nervous.

“You’re out of your mind,” I breathed now pressed right up against the wall and smelling his alcohol laced breath on my mouth.

“That’s your fault.”

His hands bushed my hips and lowered his head kissing a brazen spot on my chest and what followed was blur.

A mix of emotions, from lust to defeat and anger overtook me and I closed my eyes and gripped his arms tightly while his mouth worked its way up my neck.

“Jesus, please don’t do this to me again, I’m happy! Why can’t you just let me be with him?”

“Because you want me,” he said lifting his head to look me in the eyes. “That Mr. Nice Guy of yours might give you promise rings and never raise his voice at you, but no good ever came from anything that wasn’t a risk and sometimes there’s no getting around the fact that what you tell yourself you need will never be enough to fulfill what you really want. All you have to do is let me behind that fucking wall you put up around yourself,” he said looking down at me challengingly and my thudding heart was frightening me.

I swallowed hard and pushed him back a step which was as far back as he could move anyway without someone finding us out.

“I can’t do it to him again,” I said decidedly and he sighed.

“What about you?”

“I am happy with him Justin, I love him.”

“No, you’re safe with him.”

“What’s wrong with knowing the man you’re with isn’t going to do anything to hurt you, because I sure as hell didn’t have that luxury with you, you know? Like I just see this playing out in my mind exactly the way it’s going to work out. I tell him it’s over. Again! You and I pick up where we left off. Break up. Again! And I know he won’t have me back, he’s not an idiot.”

“If he really loves you as much as he says he does, he’ll have you however he can get you,” he interrupted and I knew arguing with Justin about it was futile because he could twist any doubt I had in a way that would make it sounds exactly how he wanted it to.

“Oh, Justin, the world doesn’t work that way,” I said shaking my head regretfully.

“Well, it does with me.”

“Are you saying you’d take me any way you can get me? Are you saying you love me that way?”

“That’s what I am trying to find out.” he said quietly, looking away for a moment.

“And what if you don’t?”

“I’m not going to speculate on maybes,” he said leaning in and I held up my hand over his mouth.

“Well, maybe you need to. Because I’m not about to ruin a good thing with a good man who I know loves me, for some guy who may or may not at some point when and if he decides that he’s ready to.”

Justin sighed and smiled.

“You drive a hard bargain kid.”

“This isn’t a negotiation, this is my life.”

“I’m just avoiding making you whimsical promises that I don’t know if I can keep.”

“I like whimsy. I like promise rings and being told that I am loved everyday, and maybe I’ll never be promised forever, but I like knowing that right now, in the moment that we’re in, that I am loved.”

“’Cause you’re insecure.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged but simply to humor him.

“No, not maybe, a girl who needs to be told that she’s loved everyday is not being shown.”

“Oh he shows me.”

“Does he show you the way I used to show you?”

“Justin, stop!”

“It’s an innocent question, I’m just curious to know if your heart races with him as much it’s racing right now. Jesus Sophie, I can almost hear it,” he said lowering his head like he was listening to my heart, but turned it at the last minute to press his lips into my neck.

I froze and turned my head away from him slightly, but I didn’t push him off me as his kisses slowly made their way up my neck and along my jaw towards my mouth.

He took my wrists and pulled then up onto his shoulder stroking their length of my arms and down my sides as he closed the gap between us and slowly lifted me up around him as I let him close his lips around mine, reluctantly at first, but then I returned his kiss feeling myself fall away.

I felt completely useless and before I knew what we were doing Justin was inside me, holding me up against the wall with nothing but a sheet of red velvet curtain standing between us and a room full of executives, one of which was my boss who would surely be wondering where I got to.

I was too far in to stop now, but then I didn’t want to either. He felt too good inside me, thrusting with such vigarous passion that I wasn't even aware that I had missed.

Justin was forced to clamp his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet, and when it was over we both collapsed onto the floor in a breathless, tangled heap.

I didn’t know yet how to feel about what had just happened, wanting for the moment to hang onto the rush and tingling in my body.

I knew once it wore off that it would be nothing but confusion and guilt as far as my eyes could see, but for the moment I was happy in his lap, hearing him catch his breath against my shoulder.

I was enjoying the vagueness of bliss, until some bickering between two waiters close by brought me back to earth and I braced myself against Justin’s shoulders and pulled myself up from the ground.

He also stood and as we straightened out our clothing and hair he was waiting for me to say something and I was avoiding his eyes.

Straightening the hem of my dress, I sighed and took the fabric of the curtain in my hands, and his hand quickly stopped me from pulling it back.

“What room are you in,” he asked and suddenly it hit me all at once, what we had just done and what we would continue to do if I gave him my hotel room number.

I barged past him and hurried back into the cocktail party, flushed, stressed and not composed in any way.

“Are you okay, you look a little feverish?” Garry asked when he saw me and over his shoulder, Justin watched as I leaned in to talk quietly.

“I’m not feeling so good actually, is it okay if I leave?”

“Was it the caviar?”

“I don’t know, I just really need to go to my room and lay down,” I said wrapping my arms around myself and Garry nodded.

“Yeah sure, sure, go call my room if you need anything.”

“I’m so sorry,” I added and he held up his hand.

“Its fine Sophie, go take care of yourself, go on.”

I didn’t need anymore encouragement and hurried by him out of the reception room and out into the hotel lobby as fast as my legs would carry me.

I ran to the elevator and pushed the up button hoping he wasn’t insane enough to follow me.The elevator opened and I barely waited for the people to come out before I pushed my way in and started pressing my floor button over and over until the doors began closing and I sighed with relief as they glided shut most of the way before stopping and reopening, and I prayed it wasn’t him.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip because I just knew.

The air was different around him than it was around everyone else, and my body reacted to his presence even when I couldn’t see him. It was like how the air pressure changed when you went under a tunnel and the molecules in their air suddenly become tighter and your ears dropped into a silence that you didn’t just hear, but felt.

I knew he was there.

Sure enough when I opened my eyes again he was standing very casually on the other side of the elevator loosening his tie and slipping it off over his head with a sigh.

I lowered my eyes to the floor and kept them there guiltily.

“Well thank God that’s over, corporate functions aren’t really my thing,” he said like nothing happened.

I could have launched into the obvious subject but I played along for the sake being able to gather my thoughts.

“Get used to them, Mr. Design Company,” I said monotonously and he shook his head.

“I didn’t buy into no design company, I just crashed the party so I could talk to you,” and I finally looked up at him incredulously.

“You crashed the party? Who were those guys you were with?”

“I don’t know, I just started talking to them,” he shrugged, “nice guys, no business sense though.”

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling and I thought I was going to cry.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“I’m not doing anything to you that you don’t want me to. If you’re waiting for me to be the bigger person and walk away it’s not going to happen.”

“You can’t give me what he can,”

“Can he give you what I can?”

“What? An orgasm?”

“Don’t you…” he said with clenched teeth and breathed deeply to compose himself before finishing the sentence, “… dare cheapen this Soph, because that would really piss me off,” he said staring me dead in the eyes and with all seriousness.

I wondered how much more proof I needed then about how Justin felt about me, but couldn’t help feeling his obstinate determination to get me would vanish once he had me. Still, I tread carefully after that, because he was ready to rumble and I wasn’t in the mood.

The elevator doors opened on my floor and I stepped out of the elevator pulling off my shoes once I was out because I could no longer feel my feet, and headed towards my room with him close behind.

“I suppose there’s no sense in trying to convince you to not to come into my room right now,” I asked as I pulled the keycard out of my clutch and he snatched it from my hands and stared at me insubordinately as he opened the door to my room, walking in ahead of me to answer my question leaving me with as little choice as I thought he would.

He made himself comfortable on the armchair beside the bed, sinking low in the seat as I went about my business like we wasn’t there. Or at least I tried to.

He had a very consuming presence though, which was hard to ignore and though I knew it wasn’t going to happen, I was waiting for him to get bored and leave.

I rifled through my suitcase looking for something to change into, but I was slowly getting more and more distracted until finally I decided that he probably had all night and would just wait until I snapped.

I sat on the bed in front of him and stared at his tall frame, sitting awkwardly in a small chair. We watched each other for a while before he sat up and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees with a sigh.

“Look Sophie,” he began softly without a trace of light in his voice, “if you knew how high my hopes were for finding the perfect person for me, and how quickly I can lead myself to believe that they’re not because they put one foot wrong, then you would know that I am being very patient with you. You didn’t give me anything to hold on to and yet, I’m here. I’m not going to tell you I love you, but when I do, I’ll mean it. It’s not going to be to fill a silence or to placate your insecurities, it’ll be because it’s real and you won’t just hear it; you’ll feel it. If you tell me you have that right now with him, I’ll cut my losses, get up and walk out of here right now. But I wouldn’t be here, especially after everything that’s happened between us to date, if I had doubts that I would one day tell you that I love you, I’m just waiting for you to let me.”

It was about as open and honest as I ever hoped that he would be with me and I sighed and shifted my eyes so that I wasn’t looking at him anymore, absorbing what he’d just said.

I definitely didn’t want to say or do anything rash and was quickly learning that in order to think with any clarity, I had to not be in the same room as Justin.

I stood, took up my t-shirt and pajama pants and proceeded to lock myself in the hotel bathroom.

I took a long hot shower, taking as much time to think about the situation I was in as I could. Even while trying to be objective, I still couldn’t fathom breaking Adrian’s heart again, but then in the same thought I really believed that someone that wonderful deserved the attention of someone who didn’t see anyone else but him, and I could admit to myself no matter how much it hurt, that for the moment at least, that wasn’t me. I kept getting a bug on my windshield. A big, old bug in the shape of Justin and he kept blocking my view and no matter how much I threw at him he just kept coming back.

I knew ending it with Adrian and trying to make it work with Justin would be a disastrous mistake no matter how hard we tried to make it work and no matter how open I was with him.

Your instincts are there for a reason after all and despite the sexual chemistry that Justin and I undeniably had, my gut told me that I would not be able to fit into any other part of his life and he wouldn’t fit into mine.

I suddenly dreaded going home.

Everything that had felt so right about my relationship with Adrian now felt so wrong, and I regretted giving him keys to my apartment, accepting his ring and letting him get attached to my dog. Mostly I regretted wanting out of a relationship with someone like him, because someone like Justin had put me in two minds.

I just knew it wasn’t fair to be wondering about Justin when I was with Adrian and forgetting all about Adrian whenever Justin was around.

My mind was racing so fast thinking about it, that when I finally switched off the water, I was exhausted and I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

I took a towel and dried off, got dressed and dried my hair and I hoped that the time spent in the bathroom which was now well over an hour would have been sufficient enough for Justin to have gotten bored and left.

I opened my door only to find that he was now lying on my bed, sans shoes and socks with his shirt un-tucked and a couple of buttons loosened, reading a book I bought for the plane.

“This book started off with a bang,” he stated twirling his hair around his fingers with one hand and holding the book up to his face with the other. “I’m not even being metaphoric. The two protagonists, literally fuck within the first two chapters, you know what that means right,” he asked lowering the book into his lap and looking up at me with a grimace as I began packing away all the things I’d taken out of my suitcase.

I didn’t answer, but knew I wouldn’t have to. He’d tell me anyway.

“Very thin story, if any. And just to make sure that there were no unexpected surprises or startling plot twists…or plot for that matter, I took the liberty of skipping to the end and he dies,” he informed me and I nodded unable to keep from smiling a little as I folded up my dress.

“Thanks for the heads up.”

“Sure…I didn’t want you to have paid sixteen dollars for this only to have it ruin your day.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little at him, despite myself and carried on with my task.

He threw the book over the side of the bed and rested his hands behind his head and a shiver went through me to know that he was now watching me as I continued to try to ignore him.

“Justin.”

“Sophie”

“I kind of need you to not be here right now,” I said folding a set of socks and stuffing them into a sliver of space in the corner of my suitcase.

“I know,” he said making no real attempt to leave.

“I can’t think clearly if you’re just sitting there staring at me, and I have a lot of thinking to do.”

“About what?” he asked, knowing fully well about what, but I guess he just wanted to hear me say it.

“About the fact that just because I will probably end it with Adrian, it doesn’t mean that I’ll be willing to give us another shot,” I responded and it was a cautious answer but at the time it was how I felt.

“Then why bother ending it with Adrian?”

I hesitated to answer that, but in the end I thought I’d feel better if I did.

“Because it’s not fair to be with him, when I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Continuing to avoid eye contact, I heard him sigh and get up off the bed.

“I’ll give you space,” he said, and I looked up at him finally, “but not too much and not for too long,” he added and it sounded a little like a warning as he stole a kiss before finally leaving me alone in my hotel room.

On the plane, heading home, I was only listening to Garry enough to be able to respond appropriately.

He was filling me in on what I’d missed the night before but all I could think about was Justin.

I had admitted to myself finally that as much as I loved Adrian, Justin was right. I felt safe with him, but he didn’t invade my thoughts and consume my life the way Justin did and for that reason alone I had to let him go. I had warned Justin though, that ending it with Adrian did not automatically mean that Justin and I would try again.

That was the part I needed time to work out.

Garry was still talking and I decided now to give him my full attention.

“So you didn’t have a chance to meet Elliott Matthews from our Houston office, he’s the new branch manager there.”

“No unfortunately, I’ve heard a lot about him.”

“Well he’s a very valuable find for our company, but I have a feeling if he doesn’t get supports to help clean up our Houston office, he’s not going to stick for very long.”

“What do you mean “clean up” our Houston office,” I enquired curiously.

“Well Jeremy Beazleigh who was there before Elliot pretty much ran the office into the ground, there hasn’t been any administration support there for…God knows how long…anyway, Elliot has walked into a bomb site there’s no filing system, no database of information everything is just-“

Garry stopped short staring directly at me and I smiled because I knew exactly what was coming.

“You want me to go over there and set up a team don’t you,” I asked and Garry shifted in his seat, not wanting to be too eager, but I could see he was itching.

“Well…it’s a possibility but….let’s not underestimate the magnitude of this task Sophie, if you put your hand up for this, it’s going to be upwards of six months in Houston.”

“Six months?”

“It’s bad over there and Elliot will surely need the support so if we send you over there to assemble a team, then it’s going to mean that you’re going to have to be there until everything has been documented, filed and the staff have been trained. Michael Harvey right up the top won’t approve it without the assurance that you’re not going to even think about coming back to New York until Houston is a well oiled machine…it’s a huge task.”

I sighed and looked straight ahead knowing there wasn’t really any way that I was going to be able to say no. There wasn’t anyone else with the knowledge and experience with administration to be able to take on the task.

“I’ll tell you Sophie, to have something like this on your resume…not the mention how impressed senior management would be if you can do this…”

I didn’t need the extra goading but it did make my mind up for me.

“Six months huh?”

“Maybe seven…maybe eight…”

“Can my pets come with me?”

“You can bring your whole family over with you if you want, the company is paying for your relocation and housing.”

I liked the idea of a new start somewhere different, especially now that I was essentially on my way home to break up with Adrian.

I wouldn’t have to see him at work every day and I’d have space from Justin, and would be consumed with my task of helping to basically rebuild an administration centre for my company, a task that really appealed to me.

The more I thought about it, the more I fell in love with the idea.

“When I come back to New York,” I began, turning to face Garry, but he knew what I was going to say.

“Yes you can have an office.”

“The one by the window with the view of the park?”

“Cheryl has that one now,” Garry said and I shrugged and raised my eyebrows and Garry laughed.

“Maybe we can move her to Mary’s old office.”

“Send me to Texas,” I exclaimed enthusiastically. 

When I made it back to my apartment, I took the stairs, slowly and one at a time with my suitcase.

I was putting off going home because I knew what was confronting me as soon as I walked in the door.

The closer I got, the more I began to second guess my decision, but I knew at the end of the day it had to be done.

I opened my front door, greeted by Barney who was very happy to see me.He practically leapt right into my arms and I bent my knees and caught him, giving him kisses as I left my suitcase by the door and walked slowly down my hallway with him in my arms.

“Hey look who's home,” Adrian announced poking his head out of the kitchen.

“Hey,” I greeted suddenly feeling very tense, but he didn’t seem to notice as he walked over and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me in for a kiss which I kept brief by keeping Barney close to my chest.

“What’s going on in there,” I asked distracting him and motioning to the kitchen with my head.

“Just making some pasta for dinner.”

“Oh, okay.”

“How was your trip?” Adrian asked flicking a tea towel over his shoulder and disappearing back into the kitchen as I stood looking around at my apartment which I’d almost forgotten what it looked like.

“It was good,” I said simply, “you know how it is.”

“Yeah…I’m surprised you made it home and didn’t die of boredom.”

“Definitely didn’t die of boredom,” I whispered to Barney.

“What?” Adrian asked poking his head out from the kitchen again and I spun around, surprised to find him there, but glad he didn’t hear me.

“Adrian… can we talk?”

He knew as soon as he looked at me that something was up, and seeing that look on his face dried my mouth instantly.

Barney didn’t squirm despite how tightly I was grasping him. He seemed to know I needed him.

We sat at my poor excuse for a dinner table and Adrian looked ready for anything, but I knew no matter how ready he thought he was to hear something, he’d never be fully prepared. This after all would seem to be a bolt out of the blue considering how well we’d been going lately.

“Garry and Elliot from the Houston branch were talking about me and they decided that they want me to go over to Texas for a while and help them re-establish a team over there,” I began slowly.

“For how long?” Adrian asked immediately, his tone tense as his crystal blue eyes bore right through me.

“A minimum of six months,” I told him and he sighed heavily and rubbed his chin looking around the room.

“You obviously accepted.”He didn’t sound happy.

“Well what was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, tell them your life is here?”

“My life is wherever they need me to be right now,” I responded and I could see that the fact that I disregarded him in the broad term of “my life” hurt him and I felt sick inside.

He didn’t say anything for a long time and I watched him closely.

“So, what does that mean for us? I can’t move to Houston, my role requires me to be here,” Adrian said finally and when I looked down at the ground instead of begging him to come with me, like I probably should have or at least suggested trying to go long distance he nodded to himself.

“Okay…I see. First Justin and now your job…”

I bit my lip and held Barney so tightly he probably thought I was going to crush him.

I had wanted to go ahead and tell Adrian that Justin was confusing things, but seeing how tense he was and how he was barely holding it together, I decided against it.

“Why did we even bother trying to get back together if you were just going to take off at first chance-“ he stopped ‘cause he was raising his voice and he was trying to keep his cool.“Sophie,” he began in a quiet tone, but not any calmer, “I love you, but if we end it now, then we end it for good. I’m not going to do this once every month or every six months or whenever the weather changes and you decide you don’t want to do this anymore.”

I was supposed to be crying, and begging and pleading with him, but I just sat there looking very sorry and not saying a word.

I slid off his ring and placed it on the table between us. He looked down at it like he couldn’t quite believe it and then sat back in his chair defeated, looking at me though I was avoiding his gaze.

He stood up and walked to the bedroom emerging a few moments later with a bag full of things.

Seeing him about to leave broke me up and I started to cry as I watched him walking to the front door, getting up to follow him.

“Adrian,” I called out but he kept walking.I caught up and grabbed his arm stopping him, and he couldn’t look at me and didn’t blame him.

“I am sorry, I don’t know what else to say,” I told him clutching Barney like a pillow who instinctively rested his head on my shoulder.

“You must think I’m really stupid,” he said smiling ruefully, “you must think I really believe that it’s all about setting up a new team in Houston,” he said looking at me knowingly and if I didn’t already feel bad enough, hearing him tell me that he knew that Justin was still involved, made me feel like scum.

“I wish I could give you what you want, but I can’t,” I said regretfully and since there was nothing left to say, he left.

I took Barney over to the kitchen, shut off the stove where Adrian had been cooking me pasta and went to the couch to cry and feel the full force of my despicableness.

I felt awful, sick and there was no consolation for breaking a heart regardless of how pure your intentions were and how true you tried to be yourself.

Adrian had done nothing to deserve anything but all of my love and attention, and I just couldn’t give him that. It was cold comfort and little consolation to know that in the end it was for the best.

Crying was the only outlet I had at that moment and I did a lot of it, until a text message interrupted me.

Are you alone?  

I read the text message for fifteen minutes, after I had got done crying not sure if I wanted to respond to Justin yet. It just felt wrong so soon after what had happened with Adrian and I wasn’t in the mood for more confusion and needed time to process having let the most perfect, beautiful person I’d ever met, walk away.

In that moment I could fully picture myself dying alone and always wondering what ever happened to Adrian and how much I’d regret letting him go. He was the kind of guy I pictured growing old with. My parents would have liked him if I’d introduced him to them. The day wore on and by eight in the evening I was still the hostess with the mostest at my pity party on the couch, playing with Barney’s ears, who didn’t leave me for a moment. At least I had Barney in my life. My one true thing I could count on, no matter what.

I heard a gentle tapping on my door and looked in that general direction, wondering if I had the energy to deal with anyone right then. I looked awful and was comfortable on the couch, happy just to sit with Barney and didn’t feel the need for company.

They knocked gently again. Annoyed, I pulled myself up and placed Barney on the couch who yawned lazily and stretched out across the sofa. I had been lying down for so long that I was walking like a little old lady, and I shuffled over to the door and opened it, finding Justin standing there.

“Is he here,” he whispered and I shook my head a little surprised that he’d be so bold as to show up thinking that Adrian might be there.

“Oh well, in that case, Good evening Madame, can I interest you in a set of Encyclopedia Britannica?”

I don’t know what came over me, but I immediately started to sob uncontrollably and fell right into his chest.

“Hey, hey Soph,” he said soothingly, placing a hand at the back of my head and walking me backwards into my apartment and shutting the door behind him.

I couldn’t immediately remember if Justin had ever seen me cry before. At least for real, but now he had a very messy job indeed, walking me over to the couch and making room for both of us by a lazy Barney who didn’t seem to want to move.

We sat crushed together on the side of the couch and he handed me a box of tissues as I took them and ripped a few out.

“So I take it you told him what happened?”

“No, not exactly,” I sobbed blowing my nose.

“What do you mean by that? You didn’t lie about why you’re breaking up with him did you?”

“No not exactly,” I squeaked sobbing again.

“Well…what exactly happened?”

I took a breath and turned in my seat to face him.

“On the place on the way home, by boss told me that they want to send me to Texas for a while,” I told him, bracing myself for his reaction.

“Okay,” he said simply without any hint of disapproval, “how long is a while?”

 “Six months…minimum.”

“Oh, Jesus Sophie,” he sighed and I thought he was mad until he added “I thought you were going to say you were moving there for good!”

He sounded relieved and I was confused.

“Well six months is a long time,” I whined and his touch was comforting and his smile reassuring.

“Yeah, but it’s not forever, right?” I shook my head and wiped my eyes looked down at my hands, scrunching my tissues together into a ball.

“He said if we broke up this time, it was for good,” I told him quietly some more tears finding their way out of my eyes, “so I guess we broke up for good…he seemed to know you were still in the picture though.”

Justin didn’t appear any amount of jubilant or relieved, just sympathetic and understanding.

“I know you didn’t want to hurt him,” he said quietly as Barney crept into his lap and sank across his thighs curling up.

“Six months should be long enough for him to forgive me right,” I asked Justin only half serous and he shrugged.

“So anyway,” I sighed looking up at him, “it’s over and I’m moving to Houston for a while.”

“What about these poor excuses for animals, are they going with ya?” John enquired jovially referring to Barney and Bowser and I nodded.

“Of course they are.”

“Where will you be staying?”

“I don’t know we haven’t worked out all the details yet.”

“Well, you’ll have to let me know, so I can show up unexpectedly.”

I smiled a little and for the first time, Justin felt like the one I could depend on.

 “You mean you’ll come visit me?”

Justin shrugged and nodded.

“Sure, I’ll come visit. I can take you to Kubo’s…”

“That sounds like sushi, no sushi,” I grimaced and he laughed and hooked his arm around my neck pulling me in for a hug. He smelled good and felt good, but I forced myself not think about it because that kind of thinking was inappropriate at the moment.

I pushed myself off him trying to remain composed, and it wasn’t easy. Justin knew it too and instead of easing tension like that, he loved to take it up a notch, by remaining silent and watching my face.

“Want to watch a movie or something,” I asked deflecting and he nodded.

“Yeah sure.”  

 Over the next few weeks, work was torturous. Adrian did not speak to me unless it was work related and between trying to prepare for my move, putting together a strategy for Houston and avoiding awkward moments with Adrian, I just couldn’t wait to get out of New York.

By the eve of my move, I was a ball of nervous, wired energy. I ripped though my apartment like a hurricane seeing to the last minute touches like taping up boxes, unplugging appliances and making sure there was nothing left anywhere that would fester and surprise me when I returned home.

By seven there was literally nothing to do but wait until the next day, when I would say goodbye to The Big Apple and say hello to the Big…well everything.

Everything had been taken care of by Garry and Elliot and I’d be staying in a company owned apartment Downtown in Houston which was meant for senior management, but since Houston was such a cock up, they were letting me stay there rent free, as well as the fact that the company agreed to pay my New York rent for the duration of my stay in Houston so that I didn’t have to break my lease.

I was feeling good about my move, besides one minor detail. With nothing to do but pace all night, I decided I needed to go upstairs and say “see you later” to Justin and when I finally made it up to his apartment, I was only too glad that it would be the last time.

“Do you know what I’m not going to miss about being here?” I told him when he opened the door and let me in.

“What’s that?” he asked as we walked down his hallway and into his kitchen.

“Not having to go down and make you buzz me in every freaking time I wanna come up and annoy you,” I told him ignoring the fact that he had barstools and hoisting myself up onto his island in his kitchen while he got me a beer from the fridge.

“So tomorrow’s the day,” he said twisting the cap off his own beer and I nodded.

“I know, no turning back now,” I sighed as we clunk our bottles together and took long sips.

“Your pad all set up and ready to go?”

“Mmm Hmm.”

“Got a lift to the airport in the morning?”

“Mmm Hmm.”

“From the airport in Houston?”

“Yep.”

“How long do you have to set up before you start working?”

“A week. That’ll be more than enough time to learn my way around and get acquainted with everything.”

“Oh yeah.”

We fell silent sipping sporadically or when Justin thought of more questions to ask me.

“You have a car?”

“Yeah.”

“Good…you look kind of nervous.”

I nodded looking down at my hands because it was right on the tip of my tongue to tell him that it wasn’t moving that was making me edgy, but the prospect of six months in Houston being a bridge too far for the very delicate strings holding Justin and I together.

I knew it would have been stupid of me to tell him that I wanted him the night before I left for six plus months. I’d had my chance with him and it wouldn’t have been fair to put him in that position.

“You don’t have anything to be nervous about; it’s going to be a blast. You’ll make new friends and you’ll be working hard and seeing new places.”

“Yeah” I breathed wistfully and he stopped mid-sip and his eyebrows kitting together with concern, his big brown eyes staring over at me and making me blush.

 “What’s with the face?”

“Nothing…I’m just going to miss being able to come up and see you whenever I want y’know?”

He nodded and uncrossed his legs from where he stood walking over to me and hunching down to rest his elbows on the bench beside me. I took in the details as he was right there next to me, close enough to smell and feel his body heat. I stared at the curls against his neck and the freckles on his skin until he stood up straight and I looked away so he didn’t see me staring.

“I feel like you’re leaving for good,” he said pensively and I snuck a glance at him, almost able to see his mind racing.

“If I was leaving for good, what would we do?” I asked trying to sound casual but it was a loaded question considering our relationship.

“I don’t know…not standing around here drinking beer,” he said tossing his now empty bottle into the sink with a loud clank and I winced at the sound.

“Jesus Sophie, why’d you have to take this stupid assignment?” he said sounding more agitated each passing moment.

“Gotta work to live, honey,” I said flippantly as he looked up at me with little specks of fiery embers in his brown eyes.

“Six months is a long time.”

“I know…it might even be more, I don’t know yet.”

“I don’t know if I can wait that long for you,” he said out of nowhere and my heart stopped without any sign on my face that it broke a little at his words.

“What are you talking about?” I said sipping my beer and playing it dumb, “Waiting for me to what?”

He hung his head with a loud breath and I knew it annoyed him that I was pretending not to see what he was trying to say.

“Nothin’ forget it,” he shook his head and I bit my lip and put my beer down behind me. I took a moment to compose myself and finally I took him by the arm and pulled him over to stand directly in front of me.

“Come here,” I said pulling his weight which he offered little if any resistance and I immediately wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly.

“You’re off the hook okay? I’d never ask you to wait for me,” I assured him pulling back to look at his face, “I had my chance, I just didn’t know what to do with someone as cool as you,” I said feeling strangely calm about the fact that I was essentially squandering any chance of ever having anything with him.

“I wish I could have gotten through to you.” Hearing him say that broke my heart a little more and all I could do was nod guiltily.

“I know.”

“I think we could have had some fun times.”

“We did have some fun times,” I smiled trying to keep things light as I looked to the ceiling and rested my arms on his shoulders as I tried to recall them.

 “Remember Loni Anderson?”

We both burst out laughing at the memory of the time when he’s messaged me desperately to help him kick out one of his one timers and when he opened the door and I saw her, I visibly grimaced and he burst out laughing at my face which made me laugh until finally she just left because she didn’t know why we were rolling around on his hallway floor in hysterics. I would later tell him that she looked like Loni Anderson, only less surgically enhanced, but he didn’t agree.

“Your face when you saw her…oh man,” he recalled “it looked like you got hit in the face with a used condom.”

“Yeah so did she,” I joked and we giggled and I ruffled the top of his head playfully.

“Oh Justin. I won’t laugh as much with anyone else as I do with you, that I’m sure of.”

“Yeah geez we had some pretty crazy fights though, I still can’t believe you hit me in the face.”

“It was an accident.”

“Sure it was.”

“That was kind of scary…that fight,” I sighed remembering how awful it had been and he nodded.

“Yeah it was. I can’t believe how angry I was, I never get that outwardly enraged,” he said and I laughed.

“Well, it’s nice to know I brought out the best in you,” I said and he smiled a little before it fell away from his face.

“Six months huh?” He seemed to be asking himself if it was an option and I was careful not to let him think it so.

“You know…if you meet someone, I’ll be really happy for you,” I told him sounding as sincere as I could manage resting my hands in my lap and feeling him breathe against my forehead. “I won’t like her…no matter how nice she is, so don’t bother introducing us…”

“Sophie…”

“…but I’ll be happy for you.” Justin’s gaze was heavy on me, but I looked all around the room, anywhere but at him. This visit was starting to hurt and I knew it would be time to leave soon.

He just kept looking at me like he was waiting for me to break and I kept holding it together but only because I wasn’t looking at him. Then when I finally did, and I looked into his eyes, I knew it was time to leave.

“I better go,” I said finally, but I was trapped between his arms on either side of me on the bench. I waited for him to move, but he wasn’t budging. He just stared at me and I knew he just didn’t want to let me go, but I was trying to make this as painless as possible on both of us.

I attempted to slide down the sliver of space he left between himself and the counter top, but he stepped forward and closed it completely catching himself between my legs.

“Justin, don’t,” I said impatiently, pushing on his chest, but there came a moment suddenly when everything suddenly switched to slow motion. It was something static, like a photograph but a photograph of something moving quickly by as he suddenly caught my eyes with his.

“Soph, I love you,” he said, and everything stopped along with my breath, the bench vanishing from beneath me.

It literally, physically felt like I was falling.

A strange feeling washed over me that kind of felt like intense dread but was actually the polar opposite of it, overcame my whole body and I knew I heard him correctly but I couldn’t quite believe he’d said it. I just sat in his arms gaping at him until I was finally able to choke out a breath.

He slowly let me down and kept his hands on my waist until he was sure I wouldn’t fall, but then stepped back and looked down at his feet because I hadn’t yet said anything back. He scratched his head awkwardly for a moment as I tried to reboot my motor function.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” He asked and I wanted to talk but I couldn’t talk, so I shook my head.

He was getting nervous, maybe even regretting what he’d said and I didn’t want that to happen.

I took a hesitant step over to him and rested my hands on his chest. I had only planned on one reassuring kiss. A kiss to tell him that I loved him too and then I could leave and whatever happened between us there after was up to fate.

I reached up and kissed him softly and under my hand I felt his heart race in a way I’d only ever felt in my chest. I drew back and we opened our eyes, but it still felt unfinished.

One kiss turned into two, and two kisses turned into three and I failed to muster enough will to stop the next one or the next ones after until before I knew it he was carrying me through his apartment and into his bedroom.

It was like a floodgate of everything we had been holding back from one another, all this time was unleashed and all the face we’d tried to save had been done away with for the night, leaving two souls laid bare, hidden from the world under the cover of his blanket.

We had all night, but that wasn’t as long a period of time as it sounded and we spent the whole night trying to get as much of each other as we could get. I didn’t know what would happen now that we hadn’t been able to help ourselves and give each other a clean break, but feeling him deep inside me while he stared into my eyes and feeling his lips move against mine while he told me he loved me, made it the furthest thing from mind that night.

 Leaving the next day was near impossible.

I didn’t want to wake Justin as he laid beside me face down, but I wanted to make sure we had a chance to talk.

He got up without too much fuss and bother and I waited for him downstairs in my apartment so that I was there for the removals.He milled around in my apartment keeping Barney out of the way while burly men came in and out, lugging my belongings down to an awaiting truck that would follow me to Houston.

I was on a time budget and we didn’t have a chance to talk until he insisted on driving me to the airport and we were alone in his car.

“Let’s not make a big deal about this okay, it’s six months, I’ll visit you, you’ll visit me let’s…let’s just keep this in perspective okay?”

He was being very cool about the whole thing which would have upset me if I didn’t know it was all bravado. My cool exterior belied my inner hankering to hear him tell me that is was in fact a very big deal.

He kept looking at me though and it was an almost unspoken understanding between us, that as cool as we were being, we were kicking ourselves for leaving it until the day before I left to finally open up to each other.

Six month wasn’t a huge amount of time in the scheme of things, but it was a long time at this very precarious stage in our relationship. Before felt like a practice run and this time, it felt like the real deal and we both knew that if it didn’t work this time around then it never would.

So I wondered then, what was wrong with being emotional about leaving him? After how long it took for him to admit his feelings for me, then why was it a big deal if I overreacted a little and made a big deal of the fact that I would miss him.

“Can you just tell me one thing?” I asked watching mid morning weekend traffic pass us on the Van Wyck expressway. “Are we together, and are we going to try to make this work, or did you just tell me you loved me because you had to say it and you knew I’d be gone the next day?”

“What kind of question is that,” he asked immediately and defensively.

“Don’t get annoyed, I’m just asking you an honest question; are we going to try and see through these six months together or are we going to do our own thing and see what happens when I get home?”

He still seemed annoyed.

“Soph, I don’t know how much more succinct I can be about how I feel about you.”

“I am not asking you how you feel about me, I know how you feel, I am asking you if we’re committed to each other over this period apart, or if someone approaches me, do I say, “No, thanks, I have someone waiting for me at home,” knowing that you will say the same thing...are we going to do that?”

“Yes,” he said with an adamant nod, “what the hell does “I love you” entail where you’re from?” he asked.

“I’m just wondering ‘cause you’re being very blasé, and if it is the case then I think it’s warranted if we want to lose a little perspective and make a big deal of the fact that we’re going to be apart for six months,” I replied making my point which he quickly realized and his shoulder relaxed.

“I didn’t mean our relationship wasn’t a big deal, you know that, I just meant that six months seems a long time now, but it’s going to go by fast and before we know it you’ll be back home.”

“I’m just saying, I don’t feel that way. I feel like six months is forever, it’s going to feel like forever and I’m unapologetic about behaving like I am going to miss the crap out of you.”

Justin smiled as he watched the road, his hand finding mine as he turned to me briefly.

“Will it make you feel better if I made a bigger deal?”

“Wouldn’t kill ya,” I mumbled bitterly much to his amusement as he laughed to himself, keeping my fingers clasped with his while he performed driving functions.

We made it to the airport and I walked in alone to check in my pets and my suitcase before I went back to the parking where he was still inside the car. He put his sunglasses back on and got out.

We stood and faced each other with that awkward smile that said “Well…this is it.” I felt heavy inside with the reluctance to leave him and what we’d started, but I didn’t want to make too big a deal.

“Call me when you get there,” he said predictably and I smiled and leaned against him, “call me when you’re bored, call me when you’re lonely, call me whenever you want.”

“I will,” I assured him with a sigh taking a moment to store his scent and touch in my memory as I hugged him tightly.

“When are you going to come and visit?” I asked almost sounding pathetic and he drew back and looked down at me.

“We’ll work it out together once you’re there and you’re settled, but I’ll be there, I promise.”

I was starting to feel overwhelmed by his stare and his voice so I kissed him and stepped back, quickly gathering up my carry-on and laptop bag.

“Okay, I gotta go,” I said sounding all business but softened it with a smile.

“See you on the flip side,” he said holding up his fist and we pounded our knuckles together cheesily as I laughed and started heading towards the gate.

I turned and waved once I was close to the entrance and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets and mouthed “I love you,” sending my heart into a flutter as I mouthed my response.

“Ma’am” a security said gently trying to get my attention as I was blocking the entrance for all the other travelers.

“Sorry,” I apologized and stepped towards the entrance way, still looking back at him, too taken by how he was watching me to notice a blonde blur racing away behind him.

“Waaaaaaait!!! Sophiiiieeeee wait for meeeeee!”

Justin turned when he heard someone calling out to me, as Jules cantered towards him juggling a couple of bags in her arms.

She stopped next to Justin and looked up at him momentarily.

“Oh my God, Hi!,” she greeted him, speaking fast and then continuing to run towards me as I walked back to meet her half way.

“Jules what are you doing here?”

“I…I…” She huffed taking a big breath in to try and fill her lugs with some much needed air, “I am coming with you to help you settle in,” she exclaimed still catching her breath and I jumped on her in my excitement and wrapped my arms around her.

“I wanted to surprise you and be here first, but I was running late!”

“Oh my God, Jules you’re so freaking awesome I love you!”

She patted my back, still catching her breath and I let her go and she nodded.

“I know, I know,” she said re adjusting her bags over her shoulders and then she leaned in close and clenched her teeth.“Introduce the Timberlake, please.”

I laughed and walked back to Justin, who by now had worked out that the frantic blonde girl did in fact know me.

“Justin, this is my very, very best friend Julianne, Jules, this is Justin.”

“Nice to meet you Julianne,” he smiled politely holding out his hand and she took it.

“Nice to meet you too, “she breathed and though she sounded fine, I could tell he already had her flustered and I smiled to myself amused at how she was staring up at him adoringly.

“So this is the one I was telling you about who has a thing for your friend,” I announced as she gasped and turned to me shocked, slapping me with the back of her hand.

“I can’t believe you told him!”

“Oooooh, so it’s yooooou,” Justin sang knowingly with a narrow eyed smiled and Julia suddenly didn’t appear so eager to be his company.

“It’s not a thing, I-I-I-I just think he’s attractive,” she stumbled trying to play it down but there was no way Justin was going to let her off that easily.

“So you don’t like him?”

“No, I do…I mean-”

“Have you met him?”

“No, but-“

“Then how do you know you like him?”

“I just-“

“You sure you didn’t mistake him for someone else?” he asked and I could see she was overwhelmed, but I was enjoying this way too much to intervene.

“This is so much more fun, when I am not the one he’s doing it to,” I grinned and Justin finally took pity on my thoroughly flustered friend and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just messing with you Jules, you know what?” he asked and pulled back to look down at her earnestly as he held onto her shoulders.

“What?”

“You seem way too sweet and are much too beautiful to ever deserve a debauched, derisive, bigheaded dwarf like Trace Ayala.”

“Can we still introduce them for my enjoyment,” I asked holding my hand in the air to attach my two cents in and Justin looked at me disapprovingly.

“Shame on you, this is your best friend!”

“Hey, you just called your own friend a debauched, derisive whatever else,” I replied as checked the time to see it was boarding time.

“And I was showing restraint,” he shrugged.

“Oh I don’t know, Jules can be pretty debauched herself when she wants to be,” I informed him.

“I’m sure she still not even a shade on Trace,” he said with certainty and I turned to Jules and sighed.

“We better go,” I said and Jules nodded, appearing as though she still was trying to collect herself.

“Okay yes, I’m ready to board now,” she said calmly, pushing her glasses higher up the bridge of her nose and I looked at Justin and smiled.

“It was nice to meet you Jules, and maybe I’ll try and make it out there before you head back to New York and we can hang out a bit more. Take care of her for me, okay,” he instructed her and she laughed.

“Ooooh-ho-ho I’ll take care of her alright!”

I smiled at him one last time following Jules back towards the security line buoyed by the thought of maybe seeing him again before my first week in Houston was over.

 When we arrived in Houston, we collected Barney, Bowser and our luggage and promptly caught a cab to what would be my new home in downtown Houston.

I let Barney out of his carriage as soon as possible knowing he would have hated every minute of being locked up in a tiny space like that and he shook vigorously in my lap, his ears flapping about until he’d shaken off that cramped feeling.

“I can’t move past how much cuter he is in real life,” Jules sighed looking out the window at the passing scenery but not seeing any of it.

I looked over briefly and smiled. I missed him already.

“And he smells so good…and he was so warm when he hugged me. I can’t believe you’ve hit that. I am so jealous,” She whined and I laughed.

She’d been talking about little else for the entire trip and I gladly filled her in on all the latest developments.

 “I hope he does come and hang out before I have to go back home, I need to redeem myself after that pitiful display.”

“You were fine,” I assured her and the cab seemed to be close to where we needed to be as I paid extra attention to the street names looking for Main Street.

“There it is, that’s my building,” I exclaimed.“Oh my god there’s palm trees out the front!”

The driver snuck a glance at us through the rearview mirror and parked on the curb.

There were few people out in the downtown area which I guessed would change come the weekdays, but today was quiet, the sky was blue and it was hard not to get high hopes looking up at the exterior of my new building.

I wanted to get inside as soon as possible and see what my apartment looked like, so we hurriedly unloaded our suitcases and Barney walked beside me as I held Bowser’s carriage in one hand, and my suitcase in the other, with Jules behind me.I turned the key in the security door and the foyer was large but inviting.

Catching the lift all the way to the top floor I couldn’t hide my excitement or my smile. We stood outside my new apartment door and I slowly turned the key inside the lock.

“Hurry, hurry, hurry I have to pee,” Jules exclaimed doing a jig on the spot and I flung the front door open as we both looked inside and gasped simultaneously.

“Oh my Goooood!”

“Holy shit!”

The door opened into a huge beautiful kitchen with dark wooden floors and cupboards and stainless steel appliances. The fridge alone would have been worth the entire contents of my own apartment back in New York.

The benches were marble, there was a double oven and the electric stove was set into the island in the middle of the kitchen.

The living area was furnished with tasteful, clean and comfortable looking furniture with a space behind the lounge for a dining area with an eight seater dining set that I would never have been able to fit in my other apartment. And that was just downstairs.

“This is way nice than your place in New York,” Jules sighed as I walked over to take in the view of the downtown area.

“This is nicer than Justin’s place,” I said looking over at her, “In fact this is pretty much my dream apartment, if I was allowed to decorate a place on my own, this is exactly how I’d do it…I don’t think I will ever want to go home,” I sighed suddenly remembering I needed to let Bowser out of his carriage.

“Okay I need to use the bathroom,” Jules said running up the stairs as I let Bowser out and watched him for a moment looking around uncertainly, wondering where he was.I pet him reassuringly and continued to explore when I heard Jules bellowing from the bathroom upstairs.

“You have a double freakin’ basin! I am moving in, that’s it! You don’t need all this space for yourself!”

I laughed and took the stairs to check out the bedrooms and they were both plain, but huge, and bright with buckets of sunlight filtering in through huge glass pane windows. I could imagine waking up in the bright sun and feeling it’s warmth on me, coaxing me out of bed.

I couldn’t wait to unpack, but I had quite some time to wait before the removals arrived so I fell down on my new bed in my master bedroom and smiled to myself.

I didn’t know what it was going to be like working with Elliot and I was sure this gig in Houston wasn’t going to be as sweet a ride as it was feeling like now. I knew there’d be long hours and lots of stress, but I’d worked hard to get to there and I wasn’t about to complain about it.

I picked up the phone on the bedside table and dialed in Justin’s number.It rang a few times before he answered; knowing right away that it was me.

“You made it.”

“Can I please just say that my apartment is way nicer than your apartment”

“That may well be the case, but the man owns your apartment, whereas I own my apartment.”

“Way to squander the delusion.”

“You just keep those feet planted firmly on the ground, don’t go falling in love with the place or you’ll never come home.”

“Too late. There are palm trees here and there’s a swimming pool, a gym …and I have a double basin.”

“Ahh, a double basin well…can’t compete with that, that’s the X factor right there.”

“Yeah…so anyway, I just wanted to call and tell you that we made it here completely assembled, and…its nice here… aaand Barney is marking his new uncertain territory right as we speak.”I informed him watching Barney squatting on the wooden floor in the hallway.

“Oh…how nice, I’m glad I got to be a part of it,” Justin responded as I sighed.

“I guess I better go…anyway I just want to say hi. I miss you already.”

“I miss you too, go do what you gotta do and call me later okay, I’ll be up.”

“Okay. I love you”

It fell out of my mouth, but it didn’t feel natural. It never really did, when I told him I loved him and even though I felt like I did, I could never help but notice how it never rolled off my tongue the way it was supposed to, but I pushed it out of my mind putting it down to the fact that it was just my mind up to it’s old defensive tricks again.

“I love you too,” he responded and I hung up the phone and sat up looking down at a very guilty beagle.

I found the keys to the company Lexus SUV and Jules and I decided to drive around to explore a little and also find a supermarket and liquor store so we could stock up for the week.

“Oh my god, look at that guy. Cute,” Jules sang pointing out the window and I barely caught a glimpse of him as we passed. “There are cute guys everywhere here!”

“Maybe you should ask your company if they can send you here for six months.”

“Nah, the furthest they’ll ever send me is Queens,” she grumbled as I snuck glances down at my iPhone which was directing me through Downtown Houston.

“Justin is really cute,” Jules said again and I laughed.

“Yes Jules, he’s very cute.”

“No, but like, really, really cute.”

“So I suppose you worked out that we’re back on when you saw him there,” I asked her looking over at her and she smiled.

“Yeah, and if I didn’t know it from standing between you two at the airport then I sure got the message when I heard you talking to him on the phone…you guys are using the “L” word and everything…what if you two get married?”

“Jules,” I said stopping her before she really got carried away and suggested we cure cancer together.

“What? It’s possible.”

My mind was going to that doubtful place again that only seemed to be active when Justin wasn’t around.It wasn’t that I didn’t think stranger things had ever happened than if Justin and I did end up getting married, it was just the fact that it seemed so far fetched to me that didn’t sit right in my mind. Almost like I knew that that would never in a million years happen.

“Jules, I know you’re going to think I’m out of my mind, but…I have to tell you something.”

“Here it comes,” she said ominously turning towards me in her seat.I took a deep breath and tried to keep my eyes on the road, while also trying to watch her reaction.

“I can’t help but feel a little…negative about Justin.”

“What on God’s green earth is there to feel negative about with that man,” she asked and I sighed.

“Jules, I was friends for him before I started sleeping with him and I saw what he was like with the girls he was with before me and I’m not just talking about the one night stands, I mean relationships he was in that…he told me he willfully messed up because he just wanted out.”

“So?”

“So, I’m totally falling in love with him and if he does the same thing to me I’ll die.”

Jules just chuckled and slipped on a pair of sunglasses, casually leaning back against the leather seat.

“It’s called “being in love” honey and it happens to all of us. Sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn’t, but that’s the way it goes” she said

“That’s no consolation”

“Look, you’re being neurotic enough for both of you and he can only reassure you so many times before eventually gets sick of it, and tells you that if you don’t trust him now, then you never will, so just calm your shit and go with the flow.”

“I don’t tell him I don’t trust him, I tell you, and you’re not being very helpful.”

“He’s a good guy, I can tell.”

“That’s what you said about Joseph before he cleaned out your bank account.”

“His name was Jordan…and lesson learned. No regrets! You know what, love Justin like you loved Adrian,” she said and I wasn’t sure what she meant.

“Dump him for another guy?”

“NO! Just love him like you know he wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt you…you know…love like you’ve never been hurt…dance like you’ve blown a microchip or…whatever the fuck that saying is.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her as she pointed out a supermarket up ahead.

“Look there’s a market right there…seriously if you don’t want him, pass him along to me, I’ll put him to good use,” she said suggestively and I glared at her a moment.

“What about Trace?”

“I will use Justin to get to Trace,” she explained like it was the most cunning scheme ever thought out, but all I could do was look at her confused.

“What is wrong with you?”

“What?” she shrugged innocently.

“Using Justin to get to Trace? What is wrong with that sentence?”I parked the car and we headed into the supermarket, pulling a trolley and wheeling it through the first isle.

“You don’t understand, when we were in the airport and Justin was saying how awful Trace was-“

“I swear if you say it only turned you on more, I’m going to barf.”

“It totally turned me on more! It’s like I just want him to get me into so much trouble!”

“God help us all,” I grumbled dropping various fruits and vegetables into my cart, “but you know Jules, talking to you about your weird obsession with Trace makes me feel a lot better about my relationship with Justin, so thanks!”

I looked over at her and saw her trying to balance a banana on the front of my cart.

“What are you doing?”

“If you put a banana at the front of your cart it means you’re single and looking,” she responded and I just laughed and headed for the strawberries.

Having Jules there made all the difference for me and I knew if she hadn’t have been there for me the first few days, I might not have made it.

We played tourist for the first few days, sampling the local bars and eateries and I fell in love with a bar called The Red Dust room, where during the course of Jules’ week, we managed to visit the place every night from Monday to Friday.They played cheesy music from the eighties and early nineties that we often sang to at the top of our lungs in our inebriated state, and the owner Morris often had to call us a cab home, but not before he joined us for a song or two.

By Friday I was starting to get nervous about work.I was sure I was about to walk right into a battle zone, but I didn’t know what to expect, but if I ever seemed like I was thinking about it too much, Jules made sure I forgot about it quickly enough.

However, she was set to fly home early on Saturday afternoon and I really didn’t want her to go.I had gotten used to having her around and the no holds barred conversations, drunken sing alongs and the hours of laughter.She promised that she would come and visit me again as soon as she could afford it and by Saturday afternoon, I was alone again.

I sat on my couch and started to realize that I didn’t enjoy my time alone like I once did. Bowser had taken up residence on top of a bookshelf, probably thankful to leave such close quarters as our New York apartment behind, and Barney, well he was my shadow and was anywhere I was.

I pulled my laptop into my lap and logged onto my Gmail finding a few unread messages. I skimmed the concert alerts and moved the penis enlargement offer to the spam folder making my way up a list and wondering why I had signed onto to so many mailing lists until finally I got to the one I wanted to get to.

Hey, Just wanted you to know that I am tentatively booking you on the weekend of September 4th.

By then it will have been two weeks apart and we’ll be due for a visit.After that I will be LA for a couple of weeks.

Yay? Nay?  

I hit “reply” and quickly typed my response.

I can’t wait to see you.

I was pretty sure that accurately enough captured what I thought about his proposed visit and suddenly I had something to look forward to again and I settled back into my couch with a smile just thinking about him being there with me.

On Monday morning, I was ready for my first day in the Houston branch.At least I thought I was.

 I was greeted by Elliot at reception and quickly learned that the receptionist, Karen, was the sole employee in the Houston branch. Karen was maybe in her early to mid twenties and with a pleasant and subtle twang in her speech and an enthusiastic demeanor which I would later find to be a miracle considering the Everest-esque task of her job.

Elliot took care of all the client relations, but the rest was up to Karen to battle her way through as much administration as possible which in the scheme of things wasn’t much, but more than any one person on earth could ever be expected to manage.

Either of them had the time to simply hire more staff or worry about processes and procedures and things just got done, on a “only if the client asks for it” basis.

My jaw was literally agape when we stood by Karen’s desk and Elliot explained to me that, they were a two man team and that was it.

“Well…where are the files?”

“What files?” Elliot shrugged, telling me all I needed to know and I looked at Karen and sighed deeply.

“You’ve been doing all this on your own? How is that even possible?”

“It’s not,” she shrugged with an acceptance of defeat in her voice, “I have a backlog of documentation going back…” she looked up at the ceiling, “maybe two years”

My brand new handbag slipped off my shoulder and landed on the floor and looking around at the piles of mismatched, unfiled documents in the office, I started to feel like I was much too over dressed in my skirt suit.I should have worn jeans like Elliot and Karen were.

I knew it was going to be bad, but I hadn’t anticipated this.I looked at Elliot who had inherited this mess and he smiled sympathetically.

“I know, believe me, I know…but that’s what you’re here for right?”

I could only nod, and wondered how much I could actually do, realistically in six months.

In an office space that housed 10 workstations and three offices, I had a lot of desks to fill, budget permitting, and that meant a lot of training.There was nothing to do, but start immediately so the first thing I did was take Elliot into his office, close the door and basically demand that the first role to be filled was front of house so that Karen didn’t have to spend all her time answering phones, because it didn’t take me too long with her to come to the conclusion that she was way beyond the reception role.

As soon as he agreed, I set up my office next to his and phoned our CEO’s assistant to send me all of Houston’s budgets so I could see how much I had to work with, and though I guessed it wasn’t much, and when they came through, I knew I had my work cut out for me.

I rested my head in my hands and took a moment to gather my thoughts, feeling so overwhelmed by the task ahead, that I wondered if I could even do it.I had to hire and train at least four members of staff and I had almost nothing to pay them.

At the end of my first day, all I wanted to do was go home, get changed and curl up on my couch, with my crochet blanket and pets.

Bowser was no longer interested in sitting with Barney and I anymore so it was just me and my beagle and a big glass of wine. Daunted by the thought of even boiling pasta, I ordered Chinese food and thought about calling Justin but even that seemed like hard work.

I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to move, I just wanted to eat more than necessary and then stay up late trying to avoid the arrival of tomorrow for as long as possible.

The Simpsons as always provided a sufficient distraction and my buzzer sounded earlier than I had anticipated.I didn’t bother greeting the poor delivery guy, I simply buzzed him in and waited by the door with a fist full of notes and a tired expression.

I could hear his footsteps coming down the hallway and swung the door open before he could knock only to find that it wasn’t my Chinese food at all but something much better.

 “On a scale of one to ten, how surprised are you to see me,” Justin smiled holding up his arms and an irrepressible smile came across me and I jumped into his arms.

“I knew you’d surprise me early, but I didn’t think it’d be this early.”

“Well, it’s nice to know I am only half predictable.”

“Yeah, maybe a five on that surprise scale, but an eleven on the happy scale” I told him smiling widely as I finally let him go and stepped back to let him in.

“Please. Come in weary traveler, and rest your aching bones,” I held out my arm and his eyes swept across the lower level of my apartment.

“Nice isn’t it,” I asked proudly as he shrugged indifferently.

“It’s alright.”

“Alright? You’re just sore ‘cause I said it was nicer than yours.”

“No, it’s just lacking something,” he said placing his finger over his lips thoughtfully, “Oh yeah! That’s what it’s missing, a deed in your name.”

“Why do ya always gotta bring that up,” I asked letting my inner New Yorker loose to which he responded in the same fashion.

“’Cause I’m Justin Fawckin’ Timberlake and I own my own apartment dat’s why.”

“Yeah well, you’ll be sleepin’ wid the fishes if you don’t start showin’ me respect.”

“I’ll kill your dawg and make it look like an accident, you cockroach. How’s that for respect?” he returned nodding towards Barney and he did it so well, that I couldn’t keep in character any longer and burst out laughing and hugged him again.

“I’m so happy you’re here! Do you want a beer,” I asked looking up at him in his grey sweatshirt and white t-shirt.He hadn’t shaved and I swore his hair had grown at least an inch since the last time I saw him.

“Nah, show me your place,” he said taking me by the hand and we started in the living room.

“Ok, well this is the living room, dining room…bookshelf with cat permanently attached at the top.”

“Hey cat, please don’t kill me in my sleep,” he greeted Bowser with a sharp wave.

“Oh he won’t come down, he only leaves his lofty pedestal to join us little folk when it’s meal time.”

Bowser cast us a scornful glance and then looked away and I sighed as we moved on, leading Justin up the stairs.

“Bathroom,” I announced swinging open the door and turning on the light.

“Nice enough, I guess.”

“Shut up,” I laughed as he poked around doing strange things while I watched on amusedly, like lifting the toilet seat, turning the shower on and off and then walked over and sat in the bath tub, shifting to get comfortable.

He nodded with some level of approval as I watched from the doorway while he pulled himself out of the bath and rejoined me in the hallway.

“You done?”

“Quite. Now, to the guest room.”

Obliging his request I lead him to the guest room and turned on the light as he stood tentatively in the hallway, poking his head in quickly.

“Sure, cool. It’s nice. I think it needs a little more work, but I see where you’re going with it.”

I smiled to myself and then looked up at him and shrugged.“Well…that’s it, that’s the tour.”

“You forgot a room,” he said, an observation I was waiting for him to make.

“I can’t take you into my room yet.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“If I take you to my room right now, we won’t come out,” I advised him remaining stoic and his eyebrows barely flickered in one of his usual measured responses.

“I see,” he said looking past me thoughtfully for a moment. “And that’s bad because…”

“I have Chinese food coming,” I responded, “and no comments about coming before the Chinese food,” I said pointing a finger at him before he had a chance to be cheeky, a faint smile on his lips.

“Seventeen hundred miles to see you and you’re gonna deny me the last twenty feet?”

I smiled coyly and looked down at my feet trying to remain cool even though his voice was suggestive and made me want to leave the delivery boy knocking and buzzing until he get the message that no one would be answering the door and left.

“Just think of it as building up anticipation,” I replied, knowing it was a feeble response, but I couldn’t think with him standing there looking down at me the way he was.

“I don’t know about you, but I feel I have been sufficiently built up after a week without you.”

Although he knew I was as malleable in his hands as clay, I loved to flirt with him, so I didn’t want to give in just yet.

“So, what’s another twenty minutes,” I asked making no attempt to sound less casual, a half smile tugging the corner of his lips as his eyes burned into me.

“In the twenty minutes it’s going to take for your delivery guy to get here, I can get you there twice. You know I can.”

I felt my stomach sink to the ground and my skin flushed instantly, because I liked it very much when he was being evocative and haughty. When I didn’t respond right away, he looked at his watch.

“I tell you what, I’ll give you five minutes to deliberate, I’m pretty sure I can do it in fifteen.”

“Fifteen minutes, that’s quite a test you’re setting yourself,” I said feigning doubt and he shrugged.

“I think I can rise to the challenge.”

“I think you already have,” I murmured my eyes flickering down between us and back up to catch him smile.

“I was waiting for you to notice.”

“I’ll tell you what,” I sighed straightening up and stepping over to him to hook my fingertips into the waistband of his jeans and pressing against him.“I’ll waive the five minutes to think about it, but boy, you’ve really set the bar quite high.”

“You don’t think I can do it?”

I shrugged challengingly as he looked up at the ceiling for a moment, stroking the length of my arms and then looked down at me.

“Well, I figure, going by the temperature of your skin right now you’re already half way there so the first one won’t take much. A couple minutes maybe,” he explained and if I didn’t already know how good he was with my body in his hands, I could sit and listen to him tell me what he was going to do to me all day.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah Sophie, really. After that it’s just correctly determining the right split of time between rest, and making you come again.”

By the time he finished his sentence I could barely breathe and I was way past want and right into need.

“I think I’m ready to show you my room now.”

“Don’t bother, right here’s fine,” he breathed before covering my mouth with his as we sank like lead down onto the rug in the hallway.

Easing himself over me, he knew we’d built each other up enough to skip past niceties and raked at my bottom lip with his teeth and gripped my hip to hold me in place while he ground into me hard.

Eager to confirm that he was right in assuming that I was plenty primed, his hand wasted no time, finding its way up beneath the hem of my dress, across my thigh and into the front of my underwear and as soon as he touched me he broke our kiss and smiled.

“That’s what I thought,” he said watching me closely while he worked two of his fingers around, “I just need to find your sweet spot,” he said thinking aloud, while his fingers searched in circles until he found a place that made me gasp and throw my head back.

“There it is,” he grinned, his narrow eyes glinting and fixed on my every reaction until I had given away all he needed to know about where to touch me and how to do it, in order to rush me right into my first oblivion.

He needed all of his weight to hold me down while my fingers embedded themselves around his wrist until exhalations ceased coming out as moans and I was left to catch my breath feeling the flooding feeling start to dissipate as quickly as it had come.

He rested his forehead on my chest for a moment until I let him withdraw his hand from between my legs and then looked up at me biting his lip.

He looked at this watch and I couldn’t believe he was still taking his self issued challenge seriously.

“I don’t want to rush your recovery time, but the quicker we can get to the main event the better.”

“I don’t think I have another one left in me,” I said doubtfully still trying to stop my knees form shaking from the last.

“Speak for yourself,” he breathed and I smiled into his kiss as he worked above me to free himself from the prison of his jeans, and as he lifted my dress, I suddenly felt him hard against my thigh.

“This wasn’t part of the deal,” I sighed, the pit of my stomach twisting as I let him inside and felt him fill me completely.

“Let’s just hope this serves your benefit more than mine,” he said, his voice hinting at some relief.

“I doubt it,” I smiled challengingly.

“God knows I’m going to try and prove you wrong,” he murmured throatily and with one last glance at his watch, I wrapped my legs around him and felt him start to thrust slower than I thought he would have. I watched his face and moaned appreciatively, touching his back and neck, feeling his muscles working under my hands.

“Don’t wait for me,” I started to say knowing his restraint wouldn’t have been easy, and urging him to abandon his silly challenge, but he shook his head.

“No we have time,” he assured me and I smiled and rested my hand against his ribcage to make him stop.

“In that case,” I said pushing him up and he followed my lead until he was sitting up with his back against the wall and I was across his lap, kissing him deeply while I rocked my hips slowly. Really slowly.

His hands were gripping me so tightly at my hips that I was sure I’d bruise later, but I knew he’d have similar marks on his shoulders and back.

Striking a delicate balance of slow but rough, I started to think that maybe I would get there again if he was able to hold out, and the need to get there before him started to develop.

Hearing his breath and feeling it on my face, and the sharp little gasps he would make when I worked him just right was all the encouragement I needed and I loved to watch him close his eyes and bite his lip.

It was hard to keep the pace slow, but when I began to feel a familiar build, I got excited and sunk my hand into the hair at the back of his head and gripped it tightly until he knew I was close.

I felt his back straighten, his arms lock around me, and with a slight step up in tempo, he got me there again, and not a moment too soon as I heard his loud moans muffled against my shoulder.

It was a hot, tense, and blissful moment, until the rocking towards each other slowed to a lazy writhe and the radiant heat between us faded to almost nothing, but a muted aching reminder of the pleasure just past.

When I could finally talk, I lifted my head from his shoulder and kissed him with a satisfied smile.

“I will never doubt you again,” I assured him from my perch on his lap and he raised his eyebrows and nodded.

“I think that was a very good use of time,” he panted with just enough strength to look at his watch before his arms collapsed beside him while he caught his breath.

“Oh, cool! A minute and a half to spare,” he said with self satisfaction, just as the intercom buzzer sounded.

I was a new woman at work the next day and couldn’t help but smile thinking about how dejected I had felt yesterday at the seemingly insurmountable task ahead of me, and how one amazing night with Justin had turned everything around.

I had left Justin to amuse himself for the day and came to work greeting Karen with a bright smile.I’m sure she thought I was high, but hoped she’d soon be as enthusiastic as I was once I had told her what Elliot and I had planned to do with her.

I got to work and logged into my workstation to find a shared video link from Justin.I opened it cautiously making sure the volume was at a quiet level, because I didn’t never quite what to expect with him.

It took a moment to load, and a second later Justin’s face popped up on screen.

“Hey watch this. I’ve been laughing all morning,” he said simply and the camera spun shakily around to a view of the ground where Barney stood panting by the pool. Justin hooked his arm underneath him and lifted him over the water.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, opening my eyes again to see Justin drop Barney into the pool.He was submerged for a moment and when he broke the surface of the water, he began paddling and I could hear Justin laughing in the background hysterically.

“Look at his little paws, Go buddy! Come on Barney you can do it,” he encouraged the beagle guiding him towards the pool steps and I rested my temple against my hand and shook my head smiling.

“Small things amuse small minds,” I said to myself watching my poor dog flounder in the water and paddling wildly to get to the stairs. I couldn’t help but laugh at how much effort Barney was exerting and the way he snorted water out of his nose as he paddled along and when he finally made it to the steps, he leapt out of the water and shook vigorously to the praise of a very amused camera man.

“Good boy Barney! Good work bud! Let’s go see if Bowser wants to have a dip,” he said and the video stopped suddenly and I leapt for the phone.

I dialed in his number, and when he answered almost immediately he was already laughing.

“Don’t you dare,” I warned him which only made him laugh harder.

“I won’t, I wouldn’t,” he promised and I sat back in my chair as Karen stood at my office door knocking, timidly.

“I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone with the children, please just behave yourself, I have to go,” I said rapidly.

“Okay bye,” he laughed and I hung up and shook my head with a sigh.

Karen eyed me questioningly and I waved a hand in the air as though it was nothing.

“My boyfriend is terrorizing my pets,” I explained briefly and motioned for her to sit down.

“Have a seat.”

She looked so cautious and I almost wanted to shake her and tell her not to worry so much but I pulled myself together, shook the image of the doggie paddling beagle from my mind and refocused on my job.

“How are you Karen?”

“Oh, you know,” she shrugged and I chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah, I hear ya. But hopefully you and I can turn things around a bit,” I began pulling my seat closer to the desk and so did she.

“The reason I wanted to meet with you this morning, is to talk to you a bit about your role.”

“Uh huh,” she still looked worried and I smiled and looked at her directly.

“Karen, relax I come in peace,” I assured her and she seemed to relax a little then. “I have spoken to Elliot about what I think the is best the course to plot in terms of the new staff we’re going to be hiring and we’ve both decided that we can’t keep you on front desk and expect you to also do all the various other tasks that go along with providing support for Elliot. So, What I proposed is that, the first role we fill will be a junior front desk, receptionist to take those tasks off you and give you and I chance to maybe do a little training so that you’re all knowledge up for your new role as Supervising Administrator.”

Karen’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and I’m not sure what else she would have been expecting.

“Wow…me? Really?”

“Well, yeah,” I shrugged, “who else would we pick?”

Karen laughed and finally it seemed to sink in.

“I know it can seem like all the work you’re doing here isn’t making a dent, and what you’ve done compared to what you still have to do can feel like a drop in the ocean, but Elliot is very pleased with you and the job you’re doing and it’s certainly not unnoticed, so it just seemed like a logical decision that if we were going to hire more staff, we would bump you up and have the few working ants we’ll hire report to you, leaving Elliot free to do all of his Managerial duties.”

“That sounds awesome,” she said with a relived smile and I was glad to see her relax a bit, hating to think that she saw me as someone who was either coming to fire her or make her job even harder.

“Excellent, so for the next few weeks, you and I are going to need to work together on-“ just then the phone rang and I held up my finger and looked over at the display, but there was no number showing.

“Hold on a sec,” I said picking up the phone.“Sophie Bowen speaking.”

“Sophie Bowen speaking,” Justin mocked my greeting and I bit my lip “You’ve changed, you’re all business now.”

“I’m in a meeting now, can I call you back?”

“Don’t bother, I just wanted to tell you how disappointed I am that I stumbled across a folder on your laptop at home called “Hot Guys” and I’m not in there.”

I didn’t know how to respond without letting Karen know that it was a private call, but she seemed to guess from my expression, so I just answered.

“What are you doing on my laptop when you have like five of your own.”

“Snooping. I would have thought that was obvious. Don’t panic, though, thanks to Google Images you now have many choice photographs of me from various periods of my life.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Okay, but before you do, what’s in the folder labeled “Pics for Joel?” Is he an ex or something?”

I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Why are you bothering to ask, you’ve obviously already been through it.”

“Yeah,” he giggled, “you have great ti-“

“Okay Justin, from now on, this number is only for emergencies, okay,” I interrupted and hung up.

Other than the fact that I was beet red, I was the picture of composure and Karen was smiling and biting her lip.

“He sounds fun.”

“Yeah that’s one word to describe him,” I sighed eager to get back to business and before I could even continue on my iPhone rang on my desk. Although it was on silent, the display began flashing with a picture of Justin’s face and I sighed and tried not to pay attention.

“Um…” I said trying to refocus my brain a Karen looked down and noticed my screen.

“Why do you have Justin Timberlake flashing on your iPhone?” she said and I sighed and shook my head defeated.

“I don’t know how to begin trying to answer that question,” I sighed and looked down at the phone. “I’m sorry Karen.”

“Go ahead, do you want me to come back?”

“No, no please just stay. I’ll just be a second,” I said answering the phone impatiently.

“What did I just say?”

“You said the work phone was for emergencies.”

“Mmmm Hmmm”

“So I called your iPhone,” he said, his voice wavering with amusement and I hung up immediately and switched my iPhone off.

“Okay so,” I said launching right back into conversation with Karen who was laughing because she knew that whoever was on the other end was being mischievous.

“I’m in the process of hiring a replacement receptionist now so as soon they start, you and I will get to training as well as trying to get some of that back log cleared…as well as rebuilding the filing collection…room…thing,” I floundered and Karen smiled and flicked her wrist casually at the Herculean task that I had just described so flippantly.

“Piece of cake,” she said I smiled just as Elliot came to the door not looking too happy.

“Uh oh,” I said leaning back in my seat and Karen looked between us nervously.

“Because we didn’t have enough obstacles to overcome, it has been brought to my attention that the contracts we’ve been mailing out to our clients, had been updated and I had no idea because Jeremy, the son of a bitch before me didn’t bother telling anyone.”

Both Karen and I sunk low in our seats and turned visibly pale, knowing exactly what meant right away.

“Not only that, but the changes made to the contracts were in relation to changes in the laws specific to how we have to capture company information, so now all the signed contracts we have for the past two years are, in effect illegal….how are we going to fix this,” he asked, enunciating his words to demonstrate how angry he was, but was trying to stay cool.

My eyes flickered to Karen who looked nervous again.

“This is not your fault,” I assured her and Elliot shook his head.

“No, it’s not but we’re going to have to work out pretty quickly how we’re going to get twelve hundred contracts re-signed for compliance by the time Sophie has to go back to New York.”

I didn’t know how to begin trying to resolve that question and all the stress I thought I’d left behind suddenly came flooding back to me.

“We’re going to have to go over budget,” I said simply, “there’s no getting around it, we need hands in here. New York is going to have to accept that if they want Houston back up and running, then they’ll have to spend some money to make money.”

“Do you want to tell them that,” Elliot asked grinning, happy to leave that ball in my court and I shrugged.

“Well I don’t think we have much of a choice now, do we? Houston is just going to have to go over this year.”

“Well first thing is first, we need to get Marketing out here, to help rebuild our client confidence,” and the mere mention of Adrian’s department tightened my chest.

“Marketing, why would we do that?” I asked jumpily.

“Because if we go back to our clients right now, telling them that they’ve signed illegal contracts, that doesn’t bode well for business and we need to go into damage control.”

“But what are we reassuring them with? We don’t have any processes here and no staff to answer their questions or anything?”

Elliot nodded and though about it for a moment.

“Yeah Soph, I agree, but I still think we need Adrian out here, for a week or two after we send a mail out to all the clients explaining to them why they need to re-sign their contracts…just to sweet talk them into not pulling business.”

Even though I had to step back, be professional and realize that my decisions needed to be made on what was best for business and not myself, the thought of having Adrian in Houston for any period of time, churned my stomach.