He thought of all the times he’d been in pain. One instance stood out from the rest. He was eight years old, and he had fallen out of the tree at his Grandmother’s house. He had been leaping from branch to branch to branch, then suddenly to nothing. He didn’t remember the fall, but he did remember the pain. The pain that enveloped him like a thorny cocoon. Every bone, every nerve, every inch of skin screamed in protest, and all he could do was lay there and surrender to it.

That’s what he wished he could do now. But they wouldn’t let him. True, he couldn’t feel anything below his belly button anyway but he could still feel the influence of the last Percocet. There were no rough edges to this world. Everything was fuzzy and dreamlike. The doctors insisted that the drugs would make him forget his pain for now but all they really did was bring it back sharper and clearer. No, it didn’t bring back the physical pain. But the guilt and the heartache struck him like daggers, even in parts of him that could no longer feel.

“You look like hell,” he said to the young man lying in the hospital bed. He waited for a response, a blink of an eye, a twitch of the mouth. But there was nothing. Only beeps, and buzzes, and the whoosh of a respirator. He sighed and fumbled for the boom box on the table next to him. “Typical,” he huffed. “Not gonna talk cause I didn’t play your favorite song.” He depressed the play button and the music poured over them like they were still in the car and the road was rolling beneath them.

Come up to meet you
Tell you I’ m sorry
Don’t know how lovely you are…

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part…

“Coldplay,” he whispered. “This is the one we like,” he closed his eyes. He really felt it this time. Rolling. Rolling and weaving too fast, too recklessly. Somewhere in the depths of his subconscious a small voice was crying out, trying to make him slow down, to take a break, to take a rest. They’d been driving like this for an hour. But Justin didn’t want to hear it. This was New York City, a reckless place, full of speeding cars, and loud noises. It felt good to be acting like this…carefree. It was fun. The music was loud, blaring. A group of girls traveled beside them in a pink convertible. So fine. Triplets. Drop dead gorgeous, “daddy had a dick of gold” triplets. It was just like that friggin’ old movie, American Graffiti, except the mighty team of Ayala and Timberlake was so much cooler than any of those people ever were. So cool, that they hardly had to pay attention to anything else besides the girls and the half empty bottle of whiskey that had been full just moments before.

“Hey girls,” Trace leaned over Justin, his elbow jabbing him in the stomach. “Y’all got some room in ’dose jeans fer me?” he slurred.

“That’s depends,” The driver smiled. “Will your friend join in?”

“Say sumthin’,” Trace chuckled with drunken glee, and nudged his friend hard, knocking their precious bottle to the floor.

“Aw, damn it Trace, I just had this shit detailed,” Justin moaned. He immediately bent down to try to stop the flow of liquor from ruining his interior. He never had a chance to see the road roll away beneath them. It was like a crazy tilt-a-whirl ride, a tumble of arms, legs, blood, and cries of fear and pain.

They never had a chance.

He was pulled back to reality by a noise that almost sounded like the high-pitched wail of an ambulance siren. But it wasn’t, it was something else. Something was causing a great commotion. There were doctors and nurse rushing around, pulling curtains around Trace’s bed and talking in low, urgent tones. “What’s goin’ on?” he yelled. He got no answer, instead he was rushed out into the hallway. He wheeled himself forward in protest and banged through the door before it could shut in his face. Nobody seemed to notice.

The movements of the people behind the curtain were telling him that they were too busy to notice. Too busy because something had gone terribly wrong. “Clear,” a mans voice shouted. Then a sharp sound like a thunderclap boomed across the room.

“Again…”

“Clear…”

Boom.

Then there was that beep again. It wouldn’t stop. It went on and on, and then stopped suddenly. The silence was loud. Louder than the beep had been. He wished the beep would start up again. Maybe it was broken…yes, that had to be it. It would start up again in a moment. Just like when he was in the studio, and they had to redo a track. They could go back and do it again…maybe he could help.

The curtain parted, and all Justin could see were grim faces and…and Trace covered with a sheet. The idea was insane. Trace was in a coma. How could he be expected to breathe under there? Maybe the doctors simply hadn’t noticed that the sheet had fallen over Trace’s face. Well, he would fix that. He rolled forward, trying to break through the barricade of doctors and nurses that were separating him from his friend.

“Take it easy son,“ a gentle voice said.

He held up one finger. “You know,” he said, matter-of-factly. “He can’t breathe under there.”

The doctor smiled down at him and whispered something to the nurse next to him. She nodded in turn, and began to prepare a syringe. “Just relax. Everything will better in a minute.”

His bottom lip quivered. “But he can’t breath under there, can’t you see? There’s a sheet,” he informed them. “He can’t breathe.”

“Shh,” the nurse said, giving him a gentle rub on the shoulder and squirting a small amount of liquid out of the needle and into the air. “It’s alright now.”

He felt a sharp pinch in his upper arm seconds later. Then everything went white. As white as the sheet that had been placed over his friend’s body.

One month later

Every day since Trace had flat lined had been nothing more than a monotonous routine of sponge baths, psychiatrists, and physical therapists. Half the time he barely noticed the people or things around him. He retreated to a corner of his mind, and had long conversations with Trace. Yes, he was always there, standing in the corner, puffing on a cigarette, making snide remarks about the nurses with the most potential. Often, Trace would make a wise crack, which caused Justin to burst out laughing. He tried not to do that, because when he did, that psychiatrist that looked like Bilbo Baggins would come see him. He hated that guy. He had a huge wart on his nose, one of those warts that drew attention to itself. Your eyes couldn’t help linger on it for the duration of the session. Every once in a while his voice would squeak as if he were just going through puberty. Where had they found this guy? Maybe they had pulled him right out of Lord of the Rings. Trace thought so, and the comments he would shell out during the sessions would leave Justin in a state of hysterics. One time he had shouted out, “They’re gonna send me to the loony bin if ya don’t shut up!”. Bilbo said nothing, but his notebook scribbling had become more furious and intense.

While the psychiatric sessions were nothing more than a joke, the physical therapy sessions were anything but. The injury he had sustained to his spinal cord had severed critical nerve and muscle tissue, leaving him without any sort of feeling from his navel down to his toes. The doctors called him a stage four paraplegic. He called himself a loser who would never walk again. The doctors were optimistic though. They said that if he changed his attitude, and focused on getting better, there was no reason why he wouldn’t walk again. Doctors. What a bunch of fuckin’ liars. The therapy sessions he attended at the hospital were painful, and exhausting. The first time he took on the parallel bars, he nearly collapsed. It took a long persuasive conversation with the most attractive female doctor there to even get him to look at the bars again. Yeah he looked, but he still wouldn’t budge from the safety of his chair.

He was convinced there was no reason to, because he was just going to fall again…and again. He didn’t think he had the emotional strength to deal with that kind of pain. He had never failed at anything he had tried to do before, and the fact that he wasn’t succeeding in getting his life back on track, was killing him inside. He didn’t want to put up with it. So he just gave up. He continued to go through other aspects of his therapy, but when he was encouraged to face the bars again he quickly refused. The doctors couldn’t stop him. His life wasn’t their choice.

The physical effects of his paraplegia were hard for Justin to take in. Since he had lost all feeling from his navel down, there was no way he could use the bathroom normally. The only solution to this was to insert a catheter into his bladder, which sucked the waste out of it for him. It was an extremely embarrassing contraption to use, because the line ran down your leg and into a bag. Meaning, everybody could see your piss.

He couldn't get a break.

When the police had found out there had been liquor involved, they had tried to charge him with drunk driving. But their plan failed when Trace’s family refused to bring charges against him. The allegation was dropped, and nothing ever came of it. Justin often wished he would have been held accountable for the accident though. He thought he might have felt better if he had been punished for what had happened. No, losing his ability to walk wasn’t enough. He hadn’t been able to attend Trace’s funeral. At the time, he was still in too much pain, and in too sensitive a position to fly. The guilt he felt was overwhelming, and did nothing but add more pain to his condition. Trace’s parents had sent a video tape of the ceremony and a tracing of the headstone, which they had gotten framed for him. He couldn’t bring himself to watch the video, and kept the frame face down at all times.

His publicist had been to see him on several occasions. The press had been hounding her for a statement of any kind. They wanted to know the circumstances surrounding the accident. They wanted to know who was in the car, and who was at the wheel. They wanted know if there was any kind of substance abuse involved. They wanted to know too much. Justin wasn’t about to dish out the ugly truth, just so his face could appear on every tabloid magazine in America. Instead, he made up a complete lie. He made up a story about how he fell asleep at the wheel and how Trace hadn’t been able to gain control of the car in time to save them. The story had been eaten up by the press. He had been relieved, until another source came forward with a different story. The real story. It had been one of the "daddy had a dick of gold" triplets. She had contacted his publicist, stating that she and her sisters had photos from the night in question, and that they were prepared to auction them off to the highest bidder. Justin’s lawyers had advised him to pay the girls off, and he had done so without a second thought. He didn’t want the world remembering his best friend as some kind of drunken sex freak, as he was sure the media would have made him out to be.

Some of his close friends, like the guys and a few other people he trusted came to see him as well. But when they sat with him, he felt like he hardly knew them. They were so cautious when they spoke, especially the guys. They acted as if Trace had never existed, and that the way things were now were the way things had always been. Even Chris, who besides Trace was the most real person he knew, was even acting like nothing had happened. He wanted scream at them all . He wanted to them to know how much he was hurting inside, but their gazes were so full of sorrow and pity for him that he knew he couldn’t express himself. Their pity for him was too much for him to handle. It seemed like every time they tried to comfort him, his pain only got more intense. A lot of the senseless jokes they would crack would remind him of Trace, and the things he had used to say to him. Eventually it pushed him to the point where he didn’t want to do anything but push them all away…and he did. Not to say they weren’t angry with him for this. In fact, they had been furious. Furious because they had known him for so long, and he had decided to ignore them when he needed them the most. But Justin hadn’t cared. By that time he had closed himself off to everybody else besides his mother and the rest of his immediate family. It was a little easier to deal with everything that way. Trace was still around of course, but only when Justin was drugged up with painkillers or when he was really depressed.

He had his Mother to thank for his sanity. She was the calm center of the storm. Instead of pitying him like everybody else he knew, she encouraged him and tried her best to make him feel good about the situation. She would sit by his side and read his fan mail to him. It was the only thing that took his mind off of the situation. Hearing such heartfelt words from complete strangers humbled him. It felt good to know that his fans still stood by him, even though he felt he had let them down in some way.

The most challenging part of his hospital stay though, was when his father and brothers had taken a trip up from Florida to see him. Nothing had been more gut wrenching than having to wheel himself over to his brothers, and force a smile on his face as if he were perfectly fine. Jonathan, being fourteen, had seen right through him. He had asked him how much pain he was in. Justin had tried to be calm about the whole thing, not wanting to upset Stephen, who was only eight. He hadn’t been able to remain calm though. He had broken down right there in the guest room, in front of everybody. Stephen had looked absolutely horrified. His father hadn’t known what to do, and Jonathan had just stood there staring at him like he didn’t know what had happened to his brother.

He was finally released from the hospital three and a half weeks after the accident. He was flown back home to Los Angeles, accompanied by his Mother. It was the first time in years that Trace hadn’t been right there beside him, arguing about who got the widow seat, stealing his peanuts, and charging everything in Sky Mall Magazine to his credit card. He was sorry for all the times he had yelled at Trace for that. He would have given anything to have that bill again, as long as it meant Trace would still be alive.

Going home had been more of an emotional experience than he had thought. Sure, the plane ride had been heart wrenching, but it was nothing compared to entering the house that he and Trace had threw a party in just days before they had taken their trip to New York. It chilled him to see that the house hadn’t been cleaned since the party. His Mother had told him that upon finding out what had happened, the maid had been too upset to touch anything in the house, and had simply resigned from her position. Justin understood, because he knew how superstitious his maid had been, but was enraged that she had left him to deal with sorting out Trace’s things.

That had been hard. Watching his Mother and her assistant clean up the mess, and having to point out what was his versus what was Trace’s. Trace’s belongings had been everywhere, in every room of the house. But it wasn’t like he had expected them not to be. Trace had practically lived with him, and actually, the subject of him moving into the house permanently had been brought up many times. Hell, they had picked out that house together…they had picked out the furniture and the paint and the fixtures. It was supposed to be their house…not just his. After all was said and done, he couldn’t even bring himself to pick out something of Traces that he felt he wanted to keep. He sent it all back to Trace’s parents house in Tennessee…t-shirts, jeans, books, and even scraps of paper Trace had written on. He hadn’t wanted any part of it.

Justin had been raised to put his faith in God, no matter what the situation. It had seemed to pay off well, up until now. What had he done to make the Big Guy pull the rug from under him like this? What had he done to incur God‘s wrath? It preyed on his mind over the course of many sleepless nights. He tried to figure out what he had done wrong. Yes, he had hurt some people along the way. Girls. He broke their hearts and laughed at the thought of them crying over him. But was that reason enough to do this to him? Take away his life…his best friend? His career? He didn’t know. Maybe God wasn’t so great after all. “Maybe God’s just a big joke,” he muttered.

“Justin, can you please try to be reasonable today?” Lynn asked him, turning the volume on the radio down a notch. “I want you to be in a good mood when you meet this doctor. She’s done a lot to accommodate you. She only takes one patient a year.”

Dumped. He was being dumped and he had no say in it. His Mother had come in contact with some miraculous world renowned physical therapist. She was one of those doctors who charged her patients a nauseating amount of money to live on some horse ranch in the middle of nowhere, forcing them to care for the horses and push themselves harder than they wanted to. Well, there was no way was he about to roll himself around a muddy stable and give some smelly horse hay. That doctor would learn that real quick.

Why was he being dumped? The answer was simple. He was a burden. His Mother had to care for him like he was six month old baby again. She and Paul were constantly stressed, having JIVE and Johnny harassing them about his career and at the same time having to tend to his every beck and call, since his mother thought it was pointless to hire a full time nurse for him. It was just another thing he felt guilty about, and while he knew his mother would never say anything, he was convinced that she was glad to be getting some time away from him. Hell, anybody would feel that way if they had been through all of the shit she had. “I could get one of those live-in caretakers Mom. It would be the same thing,” he told her.

“A live in care-taker neither has the means or the knowledge to get you back on your feet again,” Lynn informed him. “This will be good for you Justin. It will get you back in touch with reality. Maybe even more in touch than you‘ve ever been before.”

“Listen to ‘er,” came a familiar voice. “The woman is wise.”

He looked. Trace was back again. It had been awhile. “I have to shovel horse shit,” he muttered.

Trace simply shrugged, and took a drag of his cigarette. “It could be worse Jus’,” he nodded, and then vanished as quickly as he had appeared.

“Justin,” Lynn chuckled. “I’m sure it won’t come down to that.”

He hated being the passenger. He always liked to drive. He had been reading up on special cars for people like himself. People with disabilities. Hand controlled cars. He could do it. He had told them he could do it. “Mom.”

“Not yet,” she answered with a small smile, seemingly knowing exactly what he was about to say.

“You shouldn’t have to drive me everywhere I need to go,” he told her.

“I don’t mind,” Lynn smiled. “It gives us time to talk.”

“You won’t even let me try to drive,” he whined. “The guy told me I could have that car for as long as I needed it. He wasn’t even gonna charge me for it.”

“You’re not ready,” Lynn told him. “Besides, you might not even need a car like that. Doctor Rinaldi said that if you focus on your therapy and nothing else, you could be walking in eighteen months.”

“Doctor Rinaldi is back in New York Ma,” he grumbled. “Before the accident, he didn’t even know me. I don’t know why you didn’t get a second opinion from a doctor around here. Maybe if you had…”

“Maybe if I had, you would have gotten your way right?” Lynn said. “You wouldn’t be going to get the help you need, you would just be sitting in that house, having some woman wipe your ass and help you to the toilet and back.”

His mouth gaped. Had his mother really said that?

“Oh man! I love your Mom dude. Love ‘er to death.”

Justin wished Trace would get out of his head. Just for now. He glared at him. “Not now,” he seethed.

“Right, it’s not going to happen now,” Lynn nodded. “Because your going to Dr. Williams, and you’re going to do your best to do what she says even if you don’t like it.”

Trace was gone, and Justin hoped he wouldn’t come back again today, so he could keep what little sanity he had left. He stared out the window. His Mother had gotten off the highway long ago, and was now turning onto a dirt road. There was gate. Justin figured this was the place. He slipped his sunglasses over his eyes and let the tears form. He was scared. Scared of being left alone with some strange doctor he had never met before. He was scared of what would happen once she made him face those damn parallel bars. He was scared. He wanted out, and he hadn’t even begun the hardest part of his journey yet.

There came a buzz. The gate parted. His Mother drove onto the property. There were horses grazing in pastures on either side of them. There was nothing to see for miles but grass, trees, and the blue sky. There were no crowds here, no people with cameras or papers for him to sign. If the circumstances were different, Justin would have thought this was paradise, but now the only true peace he could think of was joining Trace wherever it was that he went after he disappeared.

The interior of the house was completely different from anything Justin had seen before. Everything was eye level. The counter tops, the doorknobs, the light switches. Nothing was out of reach or hard to get around. There were no stairs leading to the upper level either. There was only an elevator. It was so strange to him, having come from the monstrosity that was his house, with all its curves, bends, and long staircases. But he guessed living there would have been so much more difficult now that he was confined to a wheelchair. He knew this house was perfect for a cripple like him. Of course it was. That was why it had been designed. So crippled freaks like himself could come here and try to become…uncrippled, without having to struggle in between. He adjusted his sunglasses, to ensure his eyes were totally concealed. He knew they must have looked frightening by this time. Most likely bloodshot to the point where the whites of his eyes were more of a rose red color. Nobody needed to see him like this. Especially not this lady that was giving them the grand tour of the place. Was she the doctor? He wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been paying attention when she had introduced herself. Judging by her classy getup though, he figured that she probably wasn’t. She was probably the personal assistant, yes, that was exactly who she was. He knew about personal assistants…

He bit his bottom lip. Trace. Trace had been his personal assistant.

“This is the exercise room.”

The woman’s voice broke through to him. He glanced upwards. It certainly was the exercise room, there was no doubt about that, with all its expensive looking machines, and the dreaded parallel bars.

“Justin, isn’t this nice!” Lynn smiled, wheeling her son further into the room. “It has everything you could possibly need. Oh, this is just fabulous…”

His mother was close to tears. She was happy. Justin was glad she was happy. He wanted her to be happy. It lifted some weight from his shoulders knowing that she felt secure leaving him in this place…with these people. One of his biggest fears was that she was going to go home, and spend countless nights wide awake, worrying about him. She had worried long enough, and she was long overdue for a break. He half smiled at the thought. It quickly faded. Trace was back. He had taken his classic position in a corner of the room, one foot against the wall, puffing on a cigarette.

“Nice place,” Trace smiled.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he whispered.

Trace laughed. “Bullshit. I’m always with you. Why should now be any different?”

“Justin dear, did you say something?” Lynn asked.

He looked up at his Mother. “I…I just said that it was nice here,” Justin lied. “That’s all.”

Lynn smiled. “I’m glad you feel that way.”

“So how long you gonna be here J? A month…a year?” Trace asked, blowing smoke out of his nostrils and pushing away from the wall. “Because I could get used to it here, ya know?” He ran his hand along one of the parallel bars. “There’s lots to do.”

It was so real, he was waiting for that woman to scream as if she seen a ghost. She didn’t though, which only made Justin more aware that Trace was simply an illusion his mind had created to comfort him. The truth was, Trace was dead and he was never coming back. All these hallucinations and conversations needed to stop. They needed to stop right now.

“I dunno,” he mumbled. “Just…get outta my head okay?”

“What was that?” The classy looking woman asked.

“Yeah J…what the hell was that?” Trace said, in the mocking, high pitched tone that he had been so well known for.

“I said get the hell out of my head!” Justin yelled.

Both women stared at him. He knew they were shocked, confused. He knew they couldn’t understand why he had just lost his temper. He was sure they thought he was losing his mind. He wanted to die. He glanced back toward the parallel bars again. Trace wasn’t there anymore. He shook his head.

“Is he alright?” The woman asked Lynn.

“Oh yes,” Lynn replied, sheepishly. “He’s just…tired.”

“Sorry,” Justin whispered. This wasn’t good. It had been okay to have these kind of hallucinations when he had been in the hospital. He had wanted them then. They had kept him from losing his mind completely. Now though, now he was trying to move on. But as long as Trace kept coming back like he was, nothing was going to change. But what was he supposed to do? Tell everybody that Trace wouldn’t leave him alone? No way. They would toss him in the loony bin for sure.

The woman smiled at him awkwardly. “Well…that’s alright. I’ll just leave you two here for a moment, while I get the doctor. It was nice to meet you,” she said quickly. She turned on her heel and trotted out of the room as quickly as she could.

“I think I drove her away,” Justin half chuckled.

Lynn patted him on the shoulder. “I’m sure she’ll be fine,” she whispered. “You just worry about you right now, all right?”

He looked up at her. She was smiling, but he could tell it was forced. His little outburst had caused her to start worrying again. He was stupid. So stupid. “Sure Mom. I can do that.”

The click-clack of shoes on the hardwood floor, caused them both to fix their gazes on the doorway. Within seconds, another woman appeared. This one was much more simple looking, with her flannel button down shirt, blue jeans, and boots. Her straight brown hair hung evenly at her shoulders. Her expression was welcoming, but serious. Justin studied her for several moments, trying to understand her. Trying to figure out what made her tick. Normally, he could see what a person was like in the first five minutes of dealing with them. He couldn’t do it this time. It was freaking him out. He started to tremble. He could feel the beads of sweat forming on his brow. This was a bad start.

“You must be the Mr. Timberlake I’ve been hearing about,” The woman said, extending her hand to him. “Doctor Karen Williams.”

“Hello,” he managed, returning her handshake. Her grip was firm, business like. It was almost like the handshakes he received from the big wigs at BMG. He hated those kinds of handshakes. They were so cold, so emotionless. They said “What can you do for me?” This woman was a doctor. She wasn’t supposed to be out for herself like those men were. What had his Mother gotten him into?

“Doctor Williams, I can’t tell you how grateful…” Lynn began.

“I want to get something straight with you, Mrs. Harless,” Karen interrupted her. “You need to realize that the longer you stay here, the more difficult it will be for your son to be without you. And he will be without you for a number of weeks.”

“Whoa. This one’s grade A huh?” Trace emerged from behind her, not hesitating to steal a glance at her behind as he did so. “Got no ass though. Typical for a woman like her.”

Justin wanted to scream. Not only was Trace invading his mind every five minutes, but that woman who called herself a doctor had just spoken to his mother like she didn‘t matter. Like she had no right to be here. And what was all this now about not seeing his mom for a few weeks? “A few weeks?” he blurted out.

Karen didn’t seem to hear him. “I suggest you leave now Mrs. Harless,” she stated. “Unless of course you would like to see your son become more emotionally distraught than he already is.”

“You’ve hardly explained yourself,” Lynn seethed. “This is my son you’re going to be providing for. I’ll leave when I want to leave.”

“Yeah Momma!” Trace exclaimed. “That’s how its done!”

Justin glared at him. He wanted to yell at him again. Yelling at him always seemed to make him go away. But he didn’t want to do it now, in front of Dr. Williams. He didn’t need to give her another excuse to drive his Mother out.

Karen’s frown changed to a sardonic grin. “What would you like me to explain Mrs. Harless? We spoke for at least an hour on the phone. In that time, I had explained my program to you, and the benefits of it. I also recall explaining to you that you were to take no part in the initiation process…but maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough. It is vital, Mrs. Harless, that Justin is secluded from every aspect of his life for the first month. The only thing that matters is getting those first steps out of him. After that, everything else falls into place quite nicely.”

“Secluded?” Justin gasped. “Ma…you never said anything about being secluded!”

“You’re such a baby Justin,” Trace said with a roll of his eyes. “Such a momma’s boy.”

He rolled his eyes back at Trace, who simply shrugged, chuckled, and disappeared. Justin shook his head vigorously. Out. Keep out of my head.

Karen’s hard gaze softened. “I apologize for seeming so unsympathetic on the first day, but this is how I run my program. In order for us to make any progress, your son has to learn to become self reliant again.” She shot Justin a displeased look. “That means he can’t be babied by anybody, especially his friends and family.”

Justin didn’t like the look in his mother’s eyes as she listened to the doctor. It was a look of understanding, comprehension, and acceptance. His mother was buying it. She was buying the whole thing. In a few minutes she was going to kiss him goodbye and everything related to the life he knew would go out the door with her. He couldn’t let that happen. “Mom,” he whimpered. “I want to go home.”

Lynn glanced him, and opened her mouth to speak.

“I will be in touch with weekly progress reports, Mrs. Harless,” Karen said quickly. “And Justin will be allowed to speak on the phone with you twice a week. Maybe even more, depending on how much progress he makes.” She leaned forward and offered her hand to Lynn. “Your son is in good hands.”

“Mom,” Justin said, louder this time. “I said I want to go home.”

Lynn bit her lip, as though she was about to do the hardest thing she had ever done. She turned on her heel and walked briskly out of the room.

“Mom!” Justin hollered. There was no reply, just the sound of the click-clack of heels getting farther and farther away. He adjusted his sunglasses, but it did no good. The tears were flowing, sliding freely down his face. He felt so alone, so abandoned, as if there wasn’t a soul in the world who cared for him. He had officially been dumped. He tensed up as he felt the doctor roll him backward. He didn’t want her having control over him. He didn’t like it.

“It’s going to take a lot of hard work Justin,” Karen said softly. “But I can help you get past this, if you’ll let me.”

He didn’t answer.

“I gotta drive”

“We do this all the time Justin”

He took another sip out of the bottle. Maybe Trace was right. After all, the hotel wasn’t too far, and Tiny was going to be pissed if he found out that he and Trace had been drinking the night before an important meeting. “Alright,” he yawned, pushing his way out the door…

Justin awoke in a cold sweat. Where was he? Everything was so strange.. He wished there was some sort of warmth or familiarity he could cling to. But this room was disorienting. Strange objects seemed to rise out of the floor, their pulleys and levers jutted this way and that, reminding Justin of something out of a science fiction movie. He sobbed. He wanted his mother. Where was she? “Mom,” he called out in a raspy tone. “Mom!”

“Shh,” Trace stepped out of the darkness, putting a finger to his lips. “She’s not here.”

Trace was glowing, the only illuminated thing in the dark room. He didn‘t understand, but he trusted the vision at the same time. “W-what‘s this place?,” he stuttered.

“You need to calm down,” Trace whispered, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. “Pull that cord behind you, and somebody will come.”

Trace was dead. He remembered now. “You’re not supposed to be here,” he said.

“Just do what I tell you,” Trace rolled his eyes, and lit a cigarette.

He did. Immediately the lights snapped on and a buzzer went off. He looked. Trace had vanished. Seconds later the door flew open. A familiar looking woman was standing there. Her hair and clothes were disheveled, as if she had suddenly been woken up. He squeezed his eyes shut. Who was she? He thought long and hard. A doctor? Yes. She was that doctor. Doctor Williams. His mother had left him here. He opened his eyes. He remembered everything now. It was the middle of the night and he had been asleep since nine. The exercises she had done with him later in the day had exhausted him.

“You alright?” she asked him breathlessly, flicking a switch that made the buzzing stop. She rushed to his bedside and began checking him over like he was a priceless work of art.

“Fine,” Justin grunted, leaning back into his pillows. “I just got disoriented is all.”

She let out a relieved sigh. “It happens to everybody on their first night,” she told him. “Let me just change your catheter bag, and then we can get back to bed.”

He looked away from her as she began her task. He couldn’t even take a piss. He remembered when they had first told him that. It had sucked the last of his dignity out of him. It had been bad enough that he couldn’t shower by himself, but not being able to have his privacy and use the conventional method of relieving himself? God must have truly had beef with him.

“When did they put the tube in?” he heard her ask.

“Right away,” Justin whispered, continuing to stare at the wall. “After the initial shock had passed anyway.”

“They tell me you don’t like the parallel bars too much.”

His eyes widened. Why was she bringing that up now, at this hour?

“Justin?”

“What?” he grunted.

“Is that true?”

“She’s gonna find out eventually,” Trace said, reappearing suddenly. “So you might as well just tell her now.”

“Shut up,” he sneered. Justin figured, if Trace was going to show up, he should just do it, get his point across and then go away. Reappearing, as he tended to do, was more annoying than anything else.

“Is that any way to talk to me?,” Trace scoffed. “After I got you the help you needed and all?”

“That attitude isn’t going to get you anywhere,” Karen replied, disapprovingly. “You need to understand that Justin.”

“I always talk to you this way,” Justin said to Trace, not hearing the doctor’s comment. “If it bothers you that much, you should have started bitching about it a long time ago.”

“Your doctors told me you were hard to handle,” Karen said with a sigh. “So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt seeing as how its your first night here. But I’m telling you right now young man, talking back to me like you just did, is only going to land you with a punishment in the future.”

He glanced at her and shook his head. She had thought he was talking to her. He looked back toward Trace, ready to ream him for making him look bad in front of her. Of course though, he had retreated back to where he had come from…the depths of his mind. He sighed. “That came out wrong,” he muttered.

“Maybe it did,” Karen said. “But it doesn’t give you an excuse to talk like that,“ she finished tacking the fresh bag to Justin’s bed post. “Get some rest. You have a long day tomorrow.” With a flick of the light switch she was gone again.

And Justin was left alone with his thoughts.
************
“You need to eat that,” Karen pointed at the full plate of food that sat in front of him with her fork. “You lose energy when you don’t eat.”

He didn’t meet her gaze. “Just leave me alone,” he mumbled. He was exhausted. After the previous evenings episode had taken place, he hadn’t been able to fall back to sleep. All he had been able to do was lie awake and think about the wreck his life had become. Trace hadn’t come back. Of course he hadn’t though. Trace only came around when he didn’t want him there. The next time he was going to be prepared though. The next time he wasn’t going to say anything to him. Maybe if he ignored the vision of Trace long enough, it would simply disappear and never come back.

“Your mother says you love pancakes,” Karen persisted. “Come on. Eat up.”

He pushed his plate away. “I’m not hungry.” He looked at the picture window to the left of him. There were birds flying high in the sky, high above the world below. They were like kings. Once, he had felt that way too. Like he was soaring high above everybody else, like he was a king. He had been on top of the world then. Back then, nothing had been able to bring him down. But now here he was, stuck in this god forsaken chair, as low as the homeless man on the street. He was a joke.

“You’ll be sorry later on if you don’t eat now.”

He looked back at her. She was pissing him off. If he didn’t want to eat, he wasn’t going to eat. It was that simple. “I told you I’m not hungry.”

“And I’m telling you that you need to eat,” she nodded.

“Aw you know lady…just piss off alright?” He proceeded to roll backward, ready to retreat back to the room he had slept in last night. It wasn’t away from her of course, but it was far enough away where he would be able to tone down the anger that was rising inside of him. The chair didn’t budge. His eyes widened. The brakes were on. She had put the brakes on. He glared at her. “What is this, a fucking prison?”

“No,” she replied sternly. “It’s for your own safety.”

“I want to call my mother,” Justin demanded. “This place is bullshit.”

“You will do no such thing,” Karen told him. “If you’re not going to eat, then so be it. We’ll just get down to work.”

“Damn, you pissed her off huh?” Trace had taken a seat at the table and was now chewing on a roll. It seemed as real as the time he had rubbed his hand across one of the parallel bars. He glanced at Dr. Williams. She hadn‘t seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. It was another hallucination. He sucked in a breath. Don’t talk. Don’t talk to him and he’ll leave. Food. Maybe he really did need to eat. He slid his plate back toward him and began to consume the pancakes. He was pleasantly surprised. They were good.

“Ah, I see your appetite came back,” Karen said. She rose from the table. “Take your time. I’ll be back to get you in a few minutes,” she picked up her empty plate, and with a small smirk, left the room.

Now he was alone. Well, almost alone. Trace was still there, starting on another roll. Justin glanced around cautiously, before letting himself talk to his friend. “Are you having fun tormenting me?,” he asked.

“Tormenting?” Trace laughed, his mouth full of bread. “I’m not tormenting you.”

“Yes you are,” Justin seethed. “I told you I don’t even know how many times, that I want you out of my head.”

Trace laughed. “If I’m in your head, then why don’t you get me out yourself?”

Justin opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it again. Trace had a point. Why didn’t he just get him out himself? He cocked his head to the side, as the realization hit him.

Maybe, just maybe, Trace wasn’t an illusion after all.

“What are you trying to tell me?” he whispered.

“Just think about what I said,” Trace nodded at him. “Think about it hard Jus’,” he vanished again, not hesitating to steal another roll before he did so.

He continued to stare at the empty seat, doing just as Trace had instructed him to. His ghost. Was it possible? No. It couldn’t be. If what he was seeing was really Trace’s ghost, then why didn’t anybody else notice when he came around? Why hadn’t Doctor Williams noticed when that roll had floated into the air? He shook his head. He wasn’t going to let his mind play games with him. Trace was dead. That was the way things were, regardless if he liked it or not. There were no ghosts. There were only illusions. Illusions that plagued his mind constantly, because he just couldn’t let go.

“Do you always talk to yourself?”

Justin glanced over his shoulder, expecting to see Doctor Williams standing there. It wasn’t though. It was somebody else this time. It was a girl. She was about his age. She bared a striking resemblance to the doctor. A relative? Probably. “No,” he managed.

The girl smiled at him. “Mom wants you in therapy now.”

He shot her a confused glance. “Mom?”

“Oh,” the girl blushed. “I meant…Doctor Williams.”

“She’s your mother?”

“Yes,” the girl bent down to undo the brakes on his chair. “Why? Is that weird?”

Justin shrugged. “Dunno.”

She stood back up. “I’m Sheridan,” she smiled.

Justin didn’t smile. Where had she come from so suddenly? He was sure there had been nobody else in the house besides himself and the doctor. “When did you get here?”

“I got into town last night,” she responded, rolling him backward and then forward toward the doorway. “But I stayed with a friend.”

“Oh,” he said. “So what…are you just visiting or something?”

She wheeled him through the doorway. “Oh no…I go to NYU. I’m home for summer break.”

“Neat,” he grumbled.

“I come home every summer to help out…” she began.

“Don’t need to know your life story,” Justin snapped. “I was just wondering who you were.”

“Oh,” she whispered.

He felt bad. But at the same time he didn’t care. He wasn’t ready to let anybody in yet. Especially her. He couldn’t even trust Karen. There was no way he could trust her daughter. But all that didn’t matter at the moment though. He had bigger problems now. Much bigger problems. They had reached the dreaded exercise room. Karen was standing beside the parallel bars, a smug, proud smile on her face. She was going to try and make him do it. Maybe not right away. But at some point in the next few hours it was going to be brought up.

And she’d have to kill him before he‘d ever consider attempting it.

Justin knew being wheeled through the stables would cause him to reek like a smelly horse. But he had decided to grin and bear it anyway. Anything was better than being trapped inside the house all day, laid out on that bench. Karen had been hesitant to let him go outside at first, stating that he hadn’t been cooperative enough to enjoy the outdoors. But Sheridan had defended him, telling her that if he were allowed to experience the outdoors for an hour or so, he might be more motivated to try his stretches again later on. Justin had fully expected Karen to simply say no, but she hadn’t. She had only sighed and given into her daughters request, not without shooting him that displeased look she was so famous for.

He had forgotten how good it felt to be outside. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed the sound of birds chirping, the sun warm on his face as he looked up at the sky, or the scent of honeysuckle drifting on the breeze. Back home he hadn’t wanted to do anything except drown himself in his sorrows. He had been so depressed, that he would hole himself up inside his room and shroud himself in darkness for hours on end. His mother had tried to get him to stop this, but to no avail. Justin figured, it was just another reason why she had brought him to this place. He was still angry at her for doing that. So angry in fact, that he was afraid to make that first phone call to her later in the week. He was afraid he was going to blow up at her over the telephone. He didn’t want to do that to her. He knew she was dealing with enough pain as it was.

Sheridan had given him the grand tour of the stables, introducing him to each and every horse as if it were a distinguished member of the staff. She had shown him where the food was kept, and how he should go about feeding the horses, cautioning him that sometimes they could get snippy when they were really hungry. She urged him to reach out and pet the horses, or give them a carrot. She said it would help them get a feel for him, so they would trust him. He refused. He was afraid of them.

It had been years since he had been around a horse. The last time had been back in ninety seven, when he and the guys had been filming a music video overseas. Justin remembered being nervous about the shoot to begin with because they had been told they would be riding horses up and down the beach. He hadn’t ridden a horse in his life, with the exception of a pony at his fifth birthday party. The moment he had noticed how comfortable the rest of the guys were with the idea though, he hadn’t been able to express his fear. He had known the guys would laugh at him, and constantly harass him about how he was afraid of the big bad horse every day there after. So he had gotten on the horse. At first it hadn’t been so bad. It was a nice calm trot along the beach. There was even a riding instructor running along side him to show him what to do. Justin was able to relax, and had even started to laugh at himself for being so nervous.

Then they started to blast the song over the speakers.

The horse hadn’t taken that well. It had rose up on its hind legs, causing Justin to fall off , and land hard on his right arm. Chaos ensued. The camera crew ended up chasing the frightened horse down the beach, while the other guys and the rest of the people on the set had been frantic, thinking that Justin was seriously injured. He hadn’t been seriously injured of course. But he had broken his arm. After that, he vowed to never deal with another horse again, and he hadn’t up until this point.

Up until he had been stupid, and gotten Trace killed.

“I don’t know what you’re so afraid of,” Sheridan sighed, as she stroked the majestic black stallion’s nose.

“I haven’t had much luck with horses,” he said, toying with the padding on the arm of his chair.

“Horses aren’t mean spirited animals. They react to how you treat them. If you love them, they’ll love you back. If you scream at them and hit them, they’ll throw a fit every time somebody tries to get close to them,” she paused, and flashed him a small smile. “Sorta like you.”

He glared at her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on Justin,” she huffed, shoving another carrot in the horse’s mouth. “I saw you in there with my mom. You practically shut down when she tried to help you.”

“I can’t feel my legs,” he muttered. “You try to do that shit without any feeling in your legs, Sheridan. Then maybe you’ll be able to understand.”

“You have an excuse for everything don’t you?”

“Smart girl,” Trace had entered the stable, a fresh pack of cigarettes in hand. “She only just met you, and she already knows the kind of person you are,” he shook his head and leaned against the wall.

The horse whinnied loudly, and shifted its body slightly as if it were trying to get away from something. Justin’s eyes widened. Was that a coincidence? Of course it was. He shot Trace a warning glance. “Stop.”

“Well it’s true,” Sheridan pointed out. “You have an excuse as to why you can’t help yourself. You have an excuse as to why you can’t touch the horses. Hell, you probably have an excuse as to why you crashed…like it was somebody else’s fault.”

“Oh shit,” Trace shook his head. “That was shady.”

He shot her a cold look. “What did you say?” he seethed.

“It was the other guys fault right?” she smirked. “I mean, it couldn’t have been your fault that you were too busy paying attention to something else other than the road.”

His face began to burn. He looked to Trace for guidance. He wanted him to calm him down. But he wasn’t there. He wanted to kill that girl. Strangle her for bringing what had happened that night into this. She didn’t even know. She didn’t know that they had both been drunk. She didn’t know that Trace had knocked the bottle out of his hand. And she certainly didn’t know that Trace had died because he was too worried about his car interior getting ruined to pay attention to the road. “Fuck you!” he yelled. “You don’t fucking know shit!” He felt it now. Tears running down his face. He didn’t care. “How…how can you just talk about me…my life, like you know. You weren’t there when it happened. You don’t know! Everybody thinks they know!”

Sheridan’s smile had faded long ago. Justin knew she hadn’t known that what she said would effect him so greatly. How could she? She didn’t know the real story. He was sure she had concocted this stupid story about how he had been speeding along talking on his cell phone, and had crashed into somebody because of it. He wished that had been the case.

“Justin…I. Geez. I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Just bring me back to the house,” he sobbed. “Now.”

“Maybe if you would talk about it…” she began.

“I’m not telling you shit. I don’t need to, seeing as how you already know everything about me anyway.”

The silence was deafening. Almost as deafening as it had been when the beeping on Trace’s monitor had given out.

Sheridan spoke first. “It’s going to drive you even more crazy if you don’t talk about it, you know.“

Why couldn’t she just do as he asked? Sheridan was so…different. She didn’t care if somebody yelled at her, or said terrible things to her. She would still carry on a normal conversation as if nothing had happened. He hated it. He rubbed his hands over his face. “Why can’t everybody just leave me the hell alone,” he said, more to himself than to her.

“Because you have a chance to get your life back, and it’s our job to help you get there.”

“I don’t want it back,” he said, staring straight ahead. “I just want to die.”

She positioned herself behind him and wheeled him out of the stable. “Shit happens Justin. Even to people like yourself. There‘s no sense in dwelling on what you should have done to prevent it from happening. You should only try to do what you can to make it right again.”

“Fuckin’ preacher’s talk,” he sniffled. “I don’t need it.”

“You’re going to need somebody to talk to eventually,” she said. “You can’t keep your emotions bottled up inside you forever. Nobody can.”

“Watch me,” he snarled. He didn’t need this. He didn’t need her trying to play psychiatrist with him. He had been through that with Bilbo, and that hadn’t done him any good. Why did she expect him to break down and tell her about everything? Did she assume he was some sort of wimp that couldn’t handle the emotional trauma he was going through? Christ, he was paralyzed. If he could put up with that, he could put up with anything. There was no reason for him to dig deep and find the strength to tell her the story of how it was his fault his best friend was dead.

“You know, maybe she’s got a point.”

Trace had returned. Where had he been a few moments ago when he had wanted him there? “There’s no point,” he whispered.

“Yeah there is,” Trace replied. “Look at you. Your like this big old bag of misery. Yeah Justin, a shitty thing happened. A really shitty thing. But look…you survived. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Nothing matters,” he told him.

“Stop being so negative Justin,” Sheridan said. “It’s really depressing.”

“You have a chance to get back to your life J,” Trace told him with a sigh. “Do me a favor and just do it alright?”

“I can’t,” Justin whispered, trying to prevent the next rush of tears from escaping him. “You’re dead.”

“Who’s dead?” Sheridan asked him.

Trace shook his head sadly, and faded away.

Justin looked up at her. “Nobody.”

She shot him a confused glance, but didn’t ask anymore questions. “You hungry?”

Justin was glad she had gotten off the subject of himself. “No.”

“Why am I not surprised?” she sighed.

He ignored her comment, and closed his eyes. Here in the darkness, he felt secure. Sheridan couldn’t try to pry his secrets out of him now. Maybe he would get lucky, and he would simply fade away like Trace always did.

Suddenly, his eyes snapped open. He looked around him. The surroundings were so familiar, yet he knew there was no possible way he could have been here, inside his Escalade…Trace at his side. There was no wheelchair. His legs…he could feel them.

“Look Justin, I’m sorry okay?”

He was bewildered by all of this. “For what?”

“Elisha and I …we just hit it off. Can‘t you understand that?”

For a moment, he wondered if he had gone crazy. But then, he remembered. Elisha. Oh how he had wanted a piece of that. But Trace had asked her out, knowing that he had wanted to. It had been one of the biggest fights they had ever had. And Justin had never been able to forgive himself for some of the things he had said to him that day. It had been…a day like this. In the car. Him screaming at him. Screaming at him for something so stupid…

He had always wished he could take all of it back. He smiled at him. “It’s okay.”

Trace continued, as if he hadn‘t heard him. “I’m the asshole? You were just gonna fuck her and toss ‘er to the side!”

“Trace I…”

“No Justin. Fuck you.”

Justin realized Trace wasn’t hearing him. It was as if everything that was coming out of his own mouth was being perceived by Trace as it had the day of the fight. He couldn’t change it, because it was just a memory. A memory that had come back to haunt him. But it was crazy how real it seemed. “I know,” he whispered, beginning to sob. “I deserve that.”

“It’s like I don’t know who you are anymore. Mr. fucking Justified. Mr. Personality. I’m fucking sick of this shit,” Trace barked. “Sometimes I wish I were dead…”

“No!” He yelled. He was sweating. He wasn’t in the car anymore. The wheelchair was back…the paralysis was more apparent than ever. There were trees…fences. A big house loomed before him. Right. The doctor’s. He was at Doctor Williams‘.

“Justin?”

He heard that voice. Her sweet voice. “Huh?” She was kneeled in front of him. She looked worried.

“You alright?” She asked him. “You were shaking.”

He took a deep breath. Nothing like that had ever happened in broad day light before. It was like he had blacked out, and hadn’t known it. He was scared. He would never admit that to her. “I’m fine,” he managed.

He watched as she rose from the ground. Moments later he felt her behind him, as his chair began rolling toward the house. He gripped the arms of his wheelchair tightly. He felt sick. That dream, or whatever it had been, had seemed so real Justin felt he could have reached out and touched Trace if he had wanted to. What was going on? He was afraid that if this had happened once, it was going to happen again, but be worse the next time around. How many painful experiences had his lifetime of friendship with Trace contained? He knew there were too many to bother thinking about. And he didn’t want to be reminded of them. It was bad enough Trace was dead. He didn’t want to be relieving everything else he had gone through with him as well.

But maybe that was why he was being forced to.

“Don’t…no…just stay there!” Justin exclaimed, trying to fill the horse’s trough before it got close enough to touch him. He poured the food too quickly though, and instead of it landing in the tray, it wound up in his lap instead. “Jesus!” he whined.

The horse neighed loudly, as if it were mocking him.

Justin glared at the animal. “What’re you laughing at?” he pouted, trying to wipe the mess onto the ground. “You ain’t so hot.”

The horse bowed its head down and stuck its snout between the fence. It’s large tongue shot out, and began to lick the mess off of Justin’s pants.

“Aah! Get away!” he yelled, jerking his wheelchair back roughly. He jerked it too roughly though, and instead of rolling backward, the chair tilted and then fell over. At first, he lay there motionless, replaying how he had gotten this way in the first place. Then the realization that he was stuck this way took over him. He was stuck. There was no way for him to maneuver himself upright again. He was stuck…and he was alone.

“Ha…remember that commercial J? The one where the lady says “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up“!” Trace was sitting on the fence, chewing on a piece of grass, not really seeming to care that Justin had fallen over.

“Fucker,” Justin muttered. “It’s so like you to be a prick at a time like this.”

“I’m not a prick,” Trace informed him.

The horse neighed loudly.

“See,” he continued. “The horse agrees.”

“The horse isn’t agreeing with you,” Justin said. “You’re not real.”

“Maybe not, but at least I’m not the one lying in the dirt, wondering when the hell he’s going to get the help he needs,” Trace smiled, sliding off of the fence. “Stupid ass…at least try to get somebody’s attention,” he faded away.

Justin cringed. Trace had insulted him. Trace had insulted him, and he wasn’t even real. Didn’t they put people in straitjackets for this sort of thing? He didn’t know. All he knew, was that there were dark clouds forming over him, and there was a low rumbling of thunder somewhere in the distance. It was going to pour…and he was going to be stuck out here. “Help!” he screamed. He felt ugly. The kind of ugly you felt when one of your close friends said something or did something really embarrassing. The only difference now, was that it was him.

Never had Justin imagined himself in this position…helpless. He had always been the slick one, the one who was so good on his feet. Limber and graceful, he could have beaten even the toughest of street dancers in a single dance off. Now that he was in a wheelchair though, he was as clumsy as Lance had been before he had put in all those extra hours with the choreographer.

Thunder roared, boomed, rumbled in the gray clouds above him, echoing memories into his brain. Justin squeezed his eyes shut. Clear…Boom!…Again…Clear…Boom! Beep… “Help me!” he screamed again, trying to drown out the awful memory. It did no good. With each rumble of thunder, there came the same voices…the same monotonous flat line tone. It wouldn’t stop. Then he felt it. One drop…then another. Moments later he felt like he was under a waterfall. He opened his eyes. It was a downpour. The rain hit the ground hard, causing small droplets of mud to fly onto his clothes and face. He knew there was no use in screaming for help anymore. Nobody had heard him, and nobody was going to.

The rain was cold. Justin remembered the last time he had felt rain as cold as this. He had been in New York City. It was the middle of winter and it had been raining for a few days. Justin had been happy it had been rain instead of snow or sleet. He was less likely to fall and sprain his ankle that way, which he had a notorious reputation for doing. It had been late…or early, depending on how you perceived things. Huddled on the front steps of his hotel he had sat, hunched over, feeling as if the entire world was against him. He had felt so empty, so worthless…and he hadn’t cared if sitting outside in the middle of New York was dangerous or not.

Justin had been in denial about what Trace had told him. He said he had seen it all. He said she had begged him not to tell Justin what he knew. Four years. He had put four years of his life into loving that girl…cherishing her. And what had he gotten in return? A slap in the face, and a heart wrenching “It’s over Justin.” It’s over Justin…they had all said that to him. Every one of them. He had stayed outside like that for a good three hours before Trace had finally found him. They had talked. They had talked for what seemed like years. And in the end he had realized it was going to be okay, because he had Trace…and Trace would never toss him to the side like she had.

But now Trace was gone too. And everything felt smashed…broken…and out of control. There was no one at his side anymore. Nobody was constantly unwrapping his CD’s for him, or telling people how great of a guy he was…even when he was being a complete jerk. Nobody was there to tell him to suck it up and be a man now that all of this had happened, like he knew Trace would have. Nobody was there for him to crack jokes with, or to talk about simple things…or difficult things. It was just him now.

He knew he couldn’t make it alone.

****************

Riding in the rain was one of Sheridan’s favorite pastimes. There was just something about it that made the experience so much better than any other time she was riding. It was pure nature. Unlike the city where if it rained, you would rather be inside away from all the horns beeping and cars splashing through the puddles. Even when she was a young girl, she had loved to ride in the rain. She remembered, she had forced her father to take her out in the pouring rain numerous times. He hadn’t protested of course. Daddy had loved riding horses as much as she did. They would spend hours out there, donned in ponchos, racing each other around the grounds. Sheridan knew that it was one of the main reasons she was so good at handling sharp turns and jumps in the rain. She had won numerous competitions in the rain, while some of the best riders she knew failed miserably at it.

Her father had been a doctor specializing in physical therapy, like her mother. Together her parents had built this ranch, so they could raise their prize stallions, and rehabilitate people at the same time. As the years past they had established quite a name for themselves. There had been a time, when she was about ten or eleven, that her parents had to hire a small staff of nurses because there were so many patients inhabiting the ranch. Sheridan had liked it though. It had given her the chance to get to know all different kinds of people, as well as make them feel better about their condition. It had been fun growing up that way- always having lots of people in the house, always having her parents at an arms reach. Most of her friends weren’t so lucky. Most of their parents worked, and they hardly ever saw them. Sheridan had often felt blessed, and for a long time, she felt that her life had no flaws.

When she was fifteen however, her perfect life came crashing to the ground. It was a day like today. Rainy…gloomy. She and her father had been up to their usual antics, racing around the corral. In one swift movement, she had cut in front of him. At first, she had been excited over her triumph, but when she heard him scream, the feeling quickly vanished. By the time she had slowed her horse to a stop, it was too late. Her father was already on the ground, and his horse had run off somewhere. She had tried to wake him, tried to get a reaction out of him…but he hadn’t responded. Later she learned his neck had snapped in half and he died instantly. He never had a chance.

And it had been her fault.

Naturally, her mother had been devastated by this. So much that she felt she couldn’t run the practice by herself any longer. Soon after the funeral, the nurses were sent away along with most of the patients her parents had been attending to. It was a strange time for Sheridan. Her father was gone, along with the hustle and bustle of the ranch. It became like a ghost town. Sure, there were still horses, but since her father died, it became impossible for her to even look at one of them for months afterwards. Often she would find herself sitting by her father’s grave, apologizing over and over for what had happened. It took her a long time to realize that what had happened to her father wasn’t her fault at all. Her mother helped her with that. She also helped her to get back on a horse. It took a while, but in the end she did it because she knew it was what her father would have wanted.

Around the same time she had gotten back into riding, her mother started to take patients again. But it was much different than before. Her mother decided to dedicate herself to only one patient per year. She didn’t think she could handle the magnitude of patients she took on when her husband was alive. Sheridan didn’t think much of it though. By this time, she was a senior in high school, preparing for college. She was happy her mother was finally getting her life back on track.

Six years had passed since her father died. Sheridan was now a strong, free spirited young woman who wasn’t afraid to take on any sort of challenge…not even the challenge of getting Justin to stop being stubborn and follow her mother‘s treatment. Out of all the patients her mother helped over the years, Justin was probably the toughest. Still, there was something about him that she couldn’t help like. Maybe it was how sweet he seemed to be at times, when he felt nobody was paying attention. She didn’t know. But then again, barely a week had passed since he had arrived. She figured she had more than enough time to learn what it was about him that intrigued her.

“Whoa Benny,” she said, giving a light pull on the stallion’s reins. The horse slowed to a trot, then stopped. Sheridan dismounted and began to lead Benny past the corral opening and toward the stables. “Hey, Benny, whaddya think? How does a nice meal of oats sound right now. Mmm, mmm. We’ll top that off with a carrot stick and-” She stopped abruptly, sucking in a breath at what she saw. Justin’ chair had overturned. Both chair and its passenger were lying in the dirt. “Oh no,” she moaned, quickly tying the horse to the fence. She raced over to him. He was shivering, and she couldn’t blame him. It was raining rather hard, and the t-shirt he had on was soaked through. She wondered how long he had been like this. She wondered how the hell it happened in the first place. She glanced over her shoulder. There was horse food everywhere. “Justin,” she whispered. “Are you all right?”

“I told you,” he moaned. “I told you to get out of my head.”

Sheridan frowned. “Justin, come on, wake up. It’s me. It’s Sheridan,” she tapped his face lightly. “Justin.”

After several more moments, his eyes opened.. “What happened?” he whispered.

“I don’t know,” Sheridan sighed. “Do you feel alright?”

“I never feel alright,” he informed her.

She rolled her eyes. “Aside from the rest…is everything else okay? Do you feel any pain?”

He shook his head.

“So I can get you back up again?”

“I guess so,” he muttered.

She grunted and tensed her muscles, pulling the chair to an upright position. “There.”

“What the hell took you so long?” he snapped.

She began to push him forward. “I didn’t know you needed help.”

“No, you knew. You just wanted to see me suffer. You and your fucking mother. You were probably standing around laughing at me. Weren’t you, Sheridan?”

“Oh come on Justin. You know that’s not true,” she protested. “We’re here to help you, not to bring you down.”

“Bullshit!”

Sheridan knew it would only make him more difficult to deal with if she continued to argue with him, so she bit her lip and quickened her step. She hated when he was like this. When he was being impossible. But he was impossible everyday. It was going to take a lot more than a positive attitude and a loving embrace to get him back on track.

She rolled the chair up the ramp to the porch of the house. Her mother was seated in her rocker, talking softly on the phone. She wasn’t smiling. It could only mean that she was talking business. Not wanting to interfere, she began to push the chair forward toward the door.

“Sheridan.”

Sheridan glanced over her shoulder. Her mother had her hand over the mouthpiece and was staring at her intently. “Hi ma.”

“Did he finish?”

She glanced down at Justin. “No.”

“And why didn’t he finish?”

“He…had a little mishap. I just brought him back to get a dry shirt,” Sheridan informed her.

Karen held one finger up and brought the phone to her ear again. “I’m sorry about that,” she said. “Yes Lynn, I’ll make sure. Okay, you have a good day. I‘ll be in touch.” She hung up, and fixed her attention on her daughter. “Mishap?”

“That was my mother wasn’t it?” Justin spoke up.

“Mishap?” Karen repeated, her eyes still focused on Sheridan.

“I found him overturned in his chair,” Sheridan nodded.

“Why didn’t you let me talk to her?” Justin growled.

“The horses haven’t been fed, Justin?” Karen said.

Sheridan held her breath.

“What do you think smart ass?” Justin snapped. “I just laid in the mud for twenty minutes!”

Karen flashed him an amused smile. “Well, I guess you should get some dry clothes on then. Sheridan, why don’t you help him?”

Sheridan snorted out a laugh. “Sure.”

Justin gasped. “What?”

“The horses aren’t going to feed themselves,” Karen pointed out. “Go change and get back to work.”

“Maybe you don’t understand,” Justin said. “I just laid…”

“I know what you just,” Karen interrupted him. “And those horses are your responsibility.”

“Like hell they are! You can kiss my ass if you think I‘m gonna go back out there and wind up in the same position I was just in!”

Sheridan wasn’t about to let Justin get into a heated argument with her mother. She gripped the handle bars on his chair tightly and wheeled him into the house, kicking the door closed behind her.

“Stop!” he yelled.

She stopped pushing the chair, and let out a long sigh. “Now what?”

Justin spun the chair around to face her, almost running over her toes in the process. “Now what?” he scoffed. “Now what! Am I bothering you? Am I burden to you, just like I am to everyone else? Come on Sheridan, you can tell me. You can‘t hurt me anymore than I already am.”

Sheridan rolled her eyes and plopped herself on the floor in front of him. “What do you want me to say Justin? Huh? Yes, you fell all right…everybody falls. It’s no reason to go off on my mother like she’s the bad person. She’s trying to help you. She’s trying to give you a sense of independence. Why can’t you just stop trying to push her away and let her help?”

He looked away from her. “Nobody can help me.”

“How do you know?” Sheridan asked him. “You won’t let anybody get close enough to try.”

“I hate this place,” he whispered. “I hate Karen…I hate you…I hate horses. I want to go home. That’s where everything makes sense.”

“That’s where you can sulk,” Sheridan shot at him. She knew it was the truth.

He glared at her. “Yeah…it is. And I’d rather be there sulking to tell you the truth. It would be better than being stuck in this hell, being made to do things I can’t and don’t want to do.”

Sheridan couldn’t believe he was acting this way. This man, who had the world in the palm of his hand. This man who had everything he could ever want. This man that possessed so much talent. He wanted to stay this way. He wanted to remain in a wheelchair forever. It didn’t make sense. “Why?” she blurted out.

His eyes widened. “What?”

Sheridan swallowed hard. She knew she shouldn’t have been getting into this with him. But she figured if she had already let the question slip out of her mouth, she might as well pursue the subject further. “Why would you, somebody with so much wealth and talent, want to throw the rest of his life away?”

Justin was silent.

“There has to be a reason,” she said.

“I just do,” he whispered. “I don’t need a reason.”

“That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve heard in awhile,” she chuckled.

“I deserve this,” he muttered, beginning to wheel himself away from her. “That’s all you need to know.”

Sheridan cocked her head to the side. She didn’t understand. “You don’t deserve…”

“Yes I do,” Justin growled, cutting her speech short. “Just leave it at that, okay Sheridan? Come on, I need you to…help me out,” he admitted.

Sheridan got up off the floor. “Sure.”

Their conversation ceased. Sheridan knew it was better that way. She knew the violent temper Justin had, and she didn’t feel like getting screamed at by him again. But she had found out something else about him today. Justin was blaming himself for something, as she had with her fathers death. She wondered if someone had died in that car accident he had gotten into. She knew she couldn’t ask him. It wasn’t her place to. But she also knew, that if her assumptions were correct, Justin was going through a hellish time. He needed to talk about it. But she knew he wouldn‘t right now. This would take time. Eventually, he would learn, just as she had, you had to expose your demons before you could kill them.

Sixty eight. That was the number of wooden slats that lined the ceiling. Justin had counted them numerous times over the past few hours, not knowing what else to do with himself. There was no television in his room, and the closest magazine within his reach was Better Homes and Gardens. It was bullshit. All of it. Justin pounded his fist on the mattress for what seemed like the thousandth time. He wanted out. He wanted out right now. That bitch doctor made him go back out there, even though it had been raining even harder after he changed. She made him go back out there alone. He protested, but she told him that if he didn’t do what he was told he wasn’t going to talk to his mother until next week.

Justin felt he was being treated like a child. He pointed this out as well, but as always, Karen pretended not to hear him. So he wheeled himself back out there. The mud made moving around the stable nearly impossible. His arms were still sore from the heavy force he applied to them. Still, he completed the task, which made him feel a little bit better about the situation. He hadn’t told anybody that of course. He didn’t want Karen or her daughter to think that they had done right by him. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. All that mattered was that the day was over now. It was over, and all he had to do was lie here and think of a way to get out of the mess he was in.

He glanced at his wheelchair. It was resting at his bedside, ready to take on the next mornings activities. He knew that if he could get into that wheelchair, he could go anywhere in the house. He could get to a phone. He could call somebody. Anybody that would listen to him. His mother…his father…one of the guys. It didn’t matter to him. All that mattered was that he got out of here and back to where things made sense. He slid his body into an upright position. Could he do it? He didn’t know. He had never tried. Karen encouraged him each morning to try and get out of bed by himself. He refused to cooperate. He didn’t want her help.

He didn’t want anybody’s help.

Justin knew he was strong enough to haul himself out of the bed and into the chair. His upper body was in great shape. The hours he’d spent in the gym with his personal trainer had toned his body to the point where it would take a long time for his condition to get the best of him. Still, he was frightened. What if he missed and fell on the floor? What if he got hurt? He wouldn’t be able to reach the cord to call for help. He could get hurt worse than he already was. But was that such a bad thing? No. He had already lost his ability to walk. The worst that could happen was he would fall, break his neck, and die.

He didn’t care if he died.

Justin nodded triumphantly. He had to do this. It was the only way he was going to have a shot at getting what he wanted…a ticket out of this place, or a trip to Heaven’s gate. Either way he would win. Slowly, he began to shift his body so his legs would dangle off the side of the bed.

“Do ya know what your doing?” Trace asked, appearing at the foot of the bed.

Justin shrugged. “ ‘Course I do.”

Trace bit his bottom lip and shook his head. “I dunno J. I mean, you’ve never done this before.”

“I need to get outta here,” Justin whispered. “Can’t you understand that?”

Trace laughed out loud. “You don’t know what you need, Justin.”

He glared at Trace. “Get lost.”

Trace pushed himself away from the bed and walked over to Justin’s wheelchair. “Then do it if you’re so damn intent on doin’ it.”

“I can’t do this with you staring at me,” he shot at him.

“So you want me to leave then?”

Justin hesitated for a moment. “Yes.”

Trace seemed shocked. “You really do don’t you?”

“Are you deaf?” Justin snapped.

Trace disappeared.

He sighed. He hadn’t meant to be so harsh. Christ…no…He shook his head vigorously. Trace wasn’t real. He didn’t have feelings. There was no reason that he should have felt guilty about driving Trace away. Driving Trace away was good. It gave him a sense of empowerment. It made him feel that he wasn’t going crazy, and that he had control of his emotions. It was definitely a step forward. Probably the first step forward he had taken since the accident. He reached out and unhooked the catheter bag from its place on his bed post, and attached it to his leg as Karen had taught him to do.

Maybe he could take another step right now.

The memory overtook him before he could attempt to try. It was so strong, it caused him to close his eyes and suck in a deep breath. It was happening again. The world he knew was no longer there. Everything had changed. Loud, blaring music was pouring from every direction. There were people. Loads of them, everywhere. It was a club. And as he began to adjust to the sudden change of scenery he realized that it wasn’t just any club. It was Suede. This was his table. His table with the motherlode of Cristal, Cognac, and Jack Daniels laid out across it. The table where every woman in the room longed to sit. The table that every man in the room envied.

A drink. He needed one. He reached out for one of the bottles. He nearly jumped out of his seat when he felt his skin come in contact with it. It was real. He pinched himself. It hurt. What was going on? Had the past few months simply been a fantasy? Had it all been some horrible dream that was finally put to rest?

“Meet Elisha.”

He snapped out of his daze in time to see Trace standing before him. Elisha was with him. Wait…meet Elisha? He smiled. “Meet Elisha?”

“Yeah,” Trace nodded. “She’s from LA. Remember, I told you she was comin‘.”

“But we’ve already met,” Justin informed him. He looked at her. The look on her face was telling him she had never laid eyes on him before. Just like the night they had met for the first time. She hadn’t a clue who he was then either. She had only been interested in who Trace was, and what he had to say. It had angered him. He hadn’t been used to getting the cold shoulder. Trace had always been the one to get that. Later of course, he realized that Trace had been without love for a long time. Too long.

Before Elisha, Trace never had a serious relationship. He was always too busy, calling this magazine…scheduling that photo shoot…keeping his spoiled ass happy. Trace had never taken his own personal life into consideration. It was always about him…his happiness. Justin hated himself for it. He also hated that he tried to make Trace feel guilty for wanting to date Elisha simply because he set his sights on her as well. There was no call for that. Justin knew he could have any woman he wanted. Sometimes he could be so selfish. Like a little boy that didn’t want to share his toys.

“Hey, what‘s your name?” Elisha asked him, her eyes full of curiosity.

“Don’t worry about me,” Justin smiled. “Just go have a good time.”

“What do you mean I should already know?” Elisha replied, with a roll of her eyes. “This is your life long companion?,” she said to Trace.

His smile faded. This wasn’t real, like he had hoped it was. This was like the last time. The time he had relived his horrendous fight with Trace. Once again, he was talking, and nobody could hear him.

“Don’t mind Justin,” Trace snickered. “He’s a little bit cocky every once in a while.”

“Every once in a while?,” Justin gasped. “Try every day.”

“Yes you are,” Trace nodded. “Stop denying it.”

He studied them. He watched the way Trace’s hands hugged Elisha’s hips, and how his lips began to trace a light pattern down her neck. He watched the way her smile brightened as he did so. Justin realized now, for the first time, that he had never stood a chance with the girl. She had fallen for Trace the moment she had laid eyes on him.

They had been a perfect match.

“You don’t need to get an attitude with him just because he wants to have some fun,” Elisha said coldly. “All he probably does is run around like a nut so you don’t have to worry about anything.”

He remembered now. He had been such an asshole on this night. The fact that Elisha hadn’t known who he was had left his ego slightly bruised. In turn, he gave her the cold shoulder, and started to give Trace an attitude about hanging out with her. It was the very reason why it taken Elisha so long to warm up to him after she and Trace started to get really serious.

“J…stop bein’ a dick,” Trace grumbled. “You need to think before you talk sometimes, dude.”

He stared at them. The night this had all taken place, he had been too busy getting snippy and guzzling his liquor to notice the cold look on both their faces. Trace…he looked so sad, so let down. Elisha looked like she wanted to kill him, and she only just met him.

This was the kind of person he was? He hadn’t even realized. He cringed. He was a spoiled, stubborn little baby that threw fits when he didn’t get his way. The only ones brave enough to point this out had been the guys at times, because they knew they could. But Trace never opened his mouth once. He took Justin’s emotions in stride, and learned to put up with them.

What had he put Trace through all those years after he became insanely famous? Why hadn’t Trace tried to pull him down out of the clouds? Maybe he had. He knew it wouldn’t have mattered. He was too caught up in himself to stop and listen to what his friends had to say.

The music and scenery of the club faded away. He watched Trace give Elisha a kiss, and then she faded away too. Now it was dark. Pitch black. And Trace was the only visible thing left. “You see?” he said.

Justin gasped. “Huh?”

“That’s how it was J,” Trace nodded. “For a long time.”

His bottom lip quivered. “I…Trace…”

“Shh,” he put a finger to his lips. “Its too late for that.”

He felt sick. He looked away from him. “I hate myself,” he confessed.

“But you shouldn’t.”

“Look what happened,” he sobbed. “You gave up your life to follow me around. You dropped out of school…you put your life on hold, Trace.” He forced himself to look at his friend again. “And all I did was get you killed.”

“Justin,” Trace smiled. “You gave me more than I could have ever asked for. I had fun, Justin. I had fun with you, the guys…I wouldn‘t change anything about my life if I could do it all over again.”

His bit his bottom lip. “No?”

“Nah, J.” He smiled again.

In an instant, Trace was gone. The familiar surroundings of the bedroom faded in again. He was in the bed, as he had been before. The wheelchair was still where it had been, resting at his bedside. For the first time since the accident, it seemed to be calling out to him, telling him it was time to take that next step. He could do it. He knew it. He knew now that Trace…wherever he was, wasn’t hurting. It seemed crazy that he was taking these visions of his friend seriously. But he didn’t have any proof that they weren’t real. The only thing for which he had proof, was that Trace was happy. He was a happy…whatever he was. It gave him a small portion of the peace of mind he had been searching for.

He was going to get out of here.

Justin gritted his teeth in determination, and grabbed onto the hand loops hanging from the ceiling, dragging his useless lower limbs over the side of the bed. He paused to catch a breath. He had no idea it would have taken so much energy to complete a simple maneuver. The distance between the chair and the bed seemed so much further than it had just moments ago. He wouldn’t give up. By using one hand to hang onto the hand loops above him, and using another to slide himself onto the floor he achieved his goal. Now he was sitting on the floor in front of the chair. This was the hard part.

He needed to pull himself onto that chair. He didn’t know if he could. He already felt exhausted to the point where he knew he could fall asleep right where he was. But he had made it this far. A couple of more pushes and pulls wouldn’t kill him. Using all the energy he could muster, he managed to roll himself onto his stomach, something he had never done before. For a moment, he laid there, lingering in his victory. He was almost there. Cautiously, he dragged his body up to the chair, grabbed onto the arms….he stopped. He couldn’t breathe. He could feel the sweat rolling down his face. He was tired. So tired…

“Don’t stop now,” Trace said, appearing behind the chair. “Look at you. You’re like a regular special Olympian.”

Justin couldn’t help but smile. “Jerk.”

“C‘mon. The phone isn‘t far,” he vanished again.

His wisecrack had given Justin the boost he needed. With a grunt, he pulled himself up and into the chair. He had done it. He sat there, motionless for several minutes. Partially to catch his breath and partially in shock. He wasn’t helpless anymore. He believed it now, even though Karen had been drilling that phrase into his mind since the day he had arrived. He wasn’t helpless.

And he was going to get out.

“Dammit, there‘s gotta be one around.”

He had rolled through the hallway, hoping the wheels of his chair hadn’t made too much noise on the wooden floors. He had checked all of the rooms that were around his, no phone. He couldn’t help but notice that each room was a clone of his own. And there were at least seven rooms down there. He wondered what this place had been like before Karen dwindled her client count to one. He pictured a noisy house, with people in wheelchairs bumping into each other constantly. They were put to work, as he had been. They fed the horses, they took the garbage out. They didn‘t get cut any slack because it was raining, or because they toppled over in their wheelchairs. They were forced to do those damn exercises day in and day out, nearly killing themselves in the process. He wondered if any of them hated Karen as much as he did. He knew it was likely. The woman was the Adolf Hitler of therapists. But then again, maybe they didn’t. They never had her undivided attention. She hadn’t been able to see every little flaw they possessed. They got off easy.

But he didn't deserve to get off easy

Justin hadn’t realized just how big this house was. He hadn’t taken the time. He was always depressed. He spent every free moment the doctor allowed him in his room. Now, he was almost sorry he had. The rest of the house reminded him a little of his own home. With its hardwood floors and fixtures, and its simple but classy looking furniture. The den had comfortable looking couches, that he could tell offered the best naps in the house, and there was a huge fireplace, a real one. Not the kind you turned on with a remote, like he had in his house. It was a beautiful home. Justin only wished he were here for a vacation, instead of being here for therapy.

Now here he sat, after all of his hard work. Here he sat, in the middle of the kitchen, gazing at the telephone that sat on a part of the countertop that was impossible for him reach. There it fucking sat. Karen had planned this out. That was it. She had deliberately set that phone there so he would see it, and not be able to reach it. Maybe there was a way he could slide it forward. A broom maybe? He glanced around. No. No broom. No long pointed objects of any kind. It had been done purposely. He sighed. He couldn’t deny it anymore.

He wasn’t getting out of here anytime soon. Not until that bitch let him talk to his mother anyway.

His head shot up when he heard it. Somebody was playing a piano. But they were playing Chopsticks. Of all things, why Chopsticks? Especially at this hour. He chuckled. Trace. He hadn’t been able to play anything but Chopsticks. The music seemed to be calling out to him despite the song. Then he was gliding, floating…around corners, down hallways. The music grew louder. Then he stopped moving as suddenly as he had started. The door was half closed, but it was apparent by the shadow on the floor that there was indeed somebody seated at the piano. He gently pushed the door open. His jaw hung open.

Trace was playing the piano.

“What’re you doin?” Justin laughed.

Trace stopped playing long enough to look over at him. “Well, I see you‘ve made it into your Hotwheels okay. Find a phone?”

“Its too high,” Justin grumbled.

“Hmmph,” he shrugged. “Tough shit, man.”

Now he was playing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. It was getting on his nerves. The fact Trace was sitting there, using that beautiful instrument as some mediocre toy was just wrong. Didn’t he know how much magic, and beauty could be created with it? He sucked in a breath. He wasn’t going to let Trace continue on that way. He wheeled himself closer to the piano. “Get outta here,” he told him.

Trace smiled, and continued playing. “Can’t appreciate real talent when you see it can yah?”

“Come on!” he yelled, reaching out to push him off the bench.

Trace reared back before his hand could come in contact with him. “Whoa! Don’t touch the merchandise!” he said, and with a small smile, promptly disappeared.

Justin stared at the empty bench. Had that just happened? Had Trace really been playing the piano? He couldn’t have been. It would have woken the whole house up. He shook his head vigorously. It was his mind playing tricks on him again. But the piano was still there. That wasn’t an illusion. He ran his hand across the smooth ivory keys, taking in a thousand forgotten memories as he did so. He closed his eyes.

His eyes snapped open. He played the notes. “Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do,” he sang softly. He tried to pull his hand away. He couldn’t. Before he realized it, he had pushed the bench out of the way and had wheeled himself in front of the piano. He set his hands on the keys. Something clicked on in his brain. Like a fuse that had just been replaced. It had been so long. Too long. He hadn’t had the motivation to play anything since Trace had passed. It was too painful for him then. But now…now he needed it. He knew playing would be able to take him away from all of his pain, all of his demons. Even if only for tonight.

The music was soft, and mellow. He knew this song well. “Oh no, I see…” he began. His hand slipped. The sound was sour and off key. He flinched. It had been too long. His hands shot back, as if they had been placed on a hot burner. He couldn’t do it. He felt the tears form, and trickle down his face. “I hate you,” he told the piano. “I fucking hate you.” He closed his eyes again. A soft sob escaped him. He bit down on his bottom lip.

His eyes were open again. He let his gaze fall on the piano. “I…I don’t hate you,” he admitted. He placed his hands back on the keys, and waited for the instrument to respond. It did. It was talking to him. It was speaking to him in a way that only he could understand. Be calm, it said. Let me in. He took its advice. The music ran through him. His veins, his heart, his brain…breathing life into him. It was reaching places that hadn’t been filled with any sort of joy or happiness for months. He felt whole for the moment. “Oh no, I see. I spun a web, it’s tangled up with me…” he sang. The tears began to fall again. He didn’t try to stop them. “And I lost my head. The thought of all the stupid things I said.”

Coldplay had always been a way out for him. A release from his chaotic lifestyle. Nobody had fully understood this, except for Trace. After a show, popping in Parachutes and sitting on the couch with a beer had been the equivalent to a night at the club. He could be at peace with himself. Coldplay had been something that he could do, that nobody could take pictures of…or harass him about…or have him sign. It had been his…and Trace’s too. Something they could share as friends. Something they hadn’t shared with the guys, or Marty, or Elisha…or anybody else. It had been theirs.

And now he was alone with the memory of it all.

He stopped playing.

“Don’t stop.”

He gasped, startled by the voice. He looked over his shoulder. Sheridan was leaning against the door frame. He quickly wiped the stray tears off of his face. “W-what’re you doing watchin’ me?”

She straightened herself. “How did you get out of bed?”

He was silent for a moment. “I just…got out.”

“You could have hurt yourself,” she said.

He looked back at the piano. “I want to use the phone,” he said softly, running a finger along the keys.

“Mom’ll kill me. I can’t,” she told him. “Why don’t you play some more? It was nice.”

“No,” he shot at her.

“Oh,” she frowned. “Okay.”

He felt bad. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t her place to be asking him to play. She didn’t know how much strength it had taken him to do what he just did.

“C’mon. Serenade the girl.”

Hearing Trace’s voice, he glanced around the room. But Trace wasn’t there. Great. Now he was hearing voices too. “No,” he said.

“Alright,” Sheridan replied, stepping into the room. “I heard you.” She approached him and sat down on the bench. “Maybe…we can just talk then. You seem like…you could use a nice long talk with somebody.”

“It’ll be like old times,” the voice echoed.

“I said no!” Justin yelled. “What don’t you fucking understand Trace!”

“Who’s Trace?”

Justin gasped. He stared at her, his eyes wide with fear. “Nothin…nobody.”

She folded her arms under her breasts, and smiled. “Do you have an imaginary friend?”

He became enraged. He grabbed by her arm and pulled her close to him. “Don’t mess with me.”

“I told you that you would need to talk about all of this eventually,” she whispered, obviously not phased by the grip he had on her. “Don’t you think you should do it now, instead of trying to hold it all in? I mean, look at you Justin…sitting there like that, trying to intimidate me when you could be pushing all that negative energy out instead. It’s okay you know…it’s okay to let go and cry.”

He sucked in a breath. The tears wanted to come out full force. They wanted to spill out all over his face, and his body wanted him to bawl like baby. He was desperately trying to hold it all back. He didn’t want to let go. Not now. Not in front of her. She didn’t know. And she couldn’t know. “No…” he said through gritted teeth. “No Sheridan.”

“Shh,” she said, reaching out and caressing his face with her hand. “You’re okay.”

Her hand was warm. Warm like his mothers was. It felt wonderful…like warm apple pie on a summer day at Nana’s. He grabbed onto her hand, and held it against his face. He needed it. He needed it so badly.

“You’re okay,” she whispered. “You don’t have to hide anymore.”

The tears began to slide down his face, despite his efforts to keep them away. “I…I have to.”

She shook her head, and brought both her hands to his face. “No. You don’t.”

“It hurts,” he said.

She nodded. “I know.”

He stared at her. That face…those eyes. They were so honest, so caring. They wanted to help, any way they could. He felt his body tighten, his throat, his heart, his eyes. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He looked up and she wasn’t making fun of him, or giving him fake sympathy, or trying to make him "feel better"

She was just there.

And he let go.

“I’m tired.”

“Good,” Karen said, holding the door open so that Justin could wheel himself through. “It will give you the motivation to get those horses fed faster this morning.”

Sheridan looked at him. Justin looked tired, withdrawn. There were humongous bags under his eyes. He looked almost sick. Like somebody that had been up for days on end with a terrible case of the flu. She felt badly for him. He had cried so hard, for so long. He hadn’t said anything the entire time. He would pause to catch a breath here or there, sometimes he had glanced up at her, as if to make sure she was really there…but he had never said a word. She had wrapped her arms around him, and rubbed his back. It had calmed him down considerably, and she had wondered if it was something his mother had done to relax him. He had fallen asleep this way. Her arms around him, his head on her shoulder. She had tucked him into bed.

She wanted to say something. She wanted to tell her mother just why it was that Justin was so tired this morning. But she knew Justin wouldn’t want her to blurt that out. It had been hard enough for him to break down and hold onto somebody for support. She didn’t want to ruin that breakthrough for him.

He didn’t budge. “I’m tired,” he whispered.

“Go Justin,” Karen said, motioning him out the door with her hand.

He shook his head. “No.”

Sheridan pressed her lips together. She was afraid for him. She didn’t want her mother to lose her patience and make him power wash the stables. She knew it would only cause him to become more emotionally distraught. Justin couldn’t afford to be. He was a mess. If he was dealt any more trauma, she knew he would need medication to keep his emotions in check. There was no way around it. She needed to tell her mother what had happened last night. “Mom.”

At first she didn’t hear her. “That’s it. I’ll be calling your mother today Justin. No phone calls until you learn to cooperate.”

“What!” Justin whined. “Karen…what the hell is your problem!”

“Mom!”

Karen glanced at her. “What is it?”

“I…I should tell you something.”

Justin glanced over his shoulder. “No Sheridan,” he said, seeming to know exactly what she had in mind.

Karen sighed and pulled Justin back inside so the door could close again. She placed her hands on her hips. “So tell me then.”

“Last night…”

“I’ll go!” Justin blurted out. “I will. Just open the door Karen. I‘m sorry--”

“What about last night?” Karen said, cutting his speech short.

“Justin got into his wheelchair by himself.”

Karen was speechless.

“He…was playing the piano and I found him. He…” she paused. She didn’t want to come out and say he had cried all night. She knew it would only leave him feeling humiliated. “It took a lot out of him.”

Justin had covered his face with one of his hands. Sheridan knew he was mad. But she had only been trying to help him.

“Is this true, Justin?” Karen said finally.

His hand slid down his face. “I guess so.”

A small smile appeared on Karen‘s face. “You got out of bed by yourself?”

“I guess so,” he repeated. “Why? You gonna make me shovel horse shit? Wash the stables?”

Karen glanced at Sheridan. Her eyes were gleaming. “What do you think Sheridan?”

Sheridan was relieved. Her Mother was ecstatic. But unless you knew her, you would never be able to tell. “How about I feed the horses?,” she offered.

Karen seemed to ponder the idea for a moment. “No,” she shot Justin a pleased look. “How about I feed them.”

Justin seemed shocked.

“Why don’t you fix breakfast Sheridan?” Karen said. She gave Justin a gentle rub on the shoulder, and walked out the door.

Sheridan’s smile faded, the moment her mother was out of site. She was fully expecting Justin to start hollering at her. Pissed that she had told her mother about his “moment”.

“Did that just happen?” Justin whispered.

She was surprised by his reaction. “I think so,” she nodded.

A smile cracked at the corner of his mouth. “I…” he paused and shifted in his wheelchair slightly. “Thanks.”

“Sure,” she said. She turned on her heel and started away from him.

“Wait up Sher,”

Sheridan looked over her shoulder. Justin was following her. She smiled. “So you’re not mad?”

He shrugged. “Hey. Your mom just offered to do that shit work for me. If it hadn’t been for you…I’d be out there bustin’ my crippled ass,” he laughed.

She frowned. “Don’t degrade yourself Justin. You‘re temporarily disabled, not crippled.”

He rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to be so damn…serious all the time.”

She laughed at him. “You’re one to talk. Always in a funk…always acting like the world is against you.”

The small smile inhabiting his expression faded. “You’re not me.”

“I know,” she nodded. “But I’ve had my share of bad times too.”

“Aww what happened Sheridan?,” he said, sarcastically. “Did your horse die…did you get a C on your term paper? Because I know how traumatic stuff like that can be,” he shook his head and looked away from her.

Sheridan gritted her teeth. How could he be so cold, so unfeeling? After last night, she thought he would have started opening up to her. But he wasn’t opening up to her. He was pushing her away again. “You shouldn’t meddle in things you know nothing about,” she whispered. “My horse didn’t die…and I could care less if I got a C on my term paper. I had a huge part of my life taken from me Justin…and I know you know what that’s like.”

He stared at her. He seemed surprised, but was trying desperately not to let on. “I don’t care.”

“But you do,” Sheridan nodded, and shuffled over to him. “Because I know…somewhere inside of you, you’re hurting just as bad as I did when…when it happened to me.”

“I‘m fine,” he seethed. “I don’t need you to tell me how I feel.”

“What about last night?” Sheridan whispered. “You weren’t so fine then.”

“Last night was a mistake. I lost control. It’s not gonna happen again. I’m gonna call my mom and get the hell out of here.”

She sucked in a breath. “Right Justin. Because running away is the answer to everything.”

“Everything that’s happened is because of me. I can’t change it.”

“But you can move on,” she whispered. “I did. My father died Justin. He died because I wasn’t paying any attention to what I was doing. “

He remained silent. He was staring at her, studying her. As if he were trying to understand something about her. “Did you think…that it was your fault?”

Sheridan nodded. “I thought so at the time but…”

“Sheridan,” he blurted out suddenly, cutting her off.

“Yeah?” She met his gaze. His eyes looked so lost. They were saying, Can you help me? But she knew he wasn’t about to ask her that.

“How do you live with yourself?”

“I didn’t at first,” she said. “But as time went on, I allowed myself to heal.”

“Oh.” He wouldn’t look at her.

“I…talked about it. It helped a lot to talk about it,” she said. She hoped this was it. She wanted him to open up, to let it all out like he had last night…just at a higher level.

“I…” he began. “I don’t want to talk about it.” he said, and rolled past her.

She wasn’t about to let him get past her that easily. She was on to something with him. Last night had proven that. Sheridan wasn’t a quitter. When she wanted something, she got it. And she was going to get Justin to talk. She didn’t care what it took. “Justin,” she called after him, jogging into the dining room. He had parked himself in front of the large picture window. “Justin,” she whispered.

He didn‘t bother turning to look at her. “Fuck off, Sheridan.”

She approached him, and pulled one of the chairs over to his chair side. “Don’t push me away.”

“I’ll do what I want,” he whispered.

“Why won’t you talk to me? I’m here Justin. I’m here to listen to you. I want to help you,” she told him. She reached out to touch his face the way she had last night.

He slapped it away. He turned his gaze to her, and shot her a cold look. "You killed your father," he said. "You should know."

She flinched slightly at his comment, but she wouldn’t let him know how much he had hurt her. “My father had a horsing accident,” she managed to get out, without the slightest quiver in her voice.

“And I had a car accident,” he snapped.

Sheridan sighed, and ran a hand through her hair. “You’re not dead, Justin.”

He looked away from her. “Shut up.”

She had to ask. It was a sure fire way to get him to break down. A question as emotional as this one, would send anybody in his situation over the edge. Was it risky? Yes. But at this point, Sheridan just didn’t give a damn. “Who was it?” He tensed up immediately. That had done it. She held her breath.

“What?”

“Who died Justin?”

He said nothing. He glared at her and rolled out of the room.

She followed him. Once she was close enough, she grabbed the handles on his wheelchair, pulling him to a halt. “Stop running away from me.”

“Let go of me,” he seethed, trying to push himself forward.

“No,” she said, tightening her hold on the handles. “I won’t let you do this to yourself anymore. You need to talk about this Justin…I don’t care how I have to get you to do it.”

"Shit…I already did it to myself Sheridan! There’s nothing to say! It’s done…it’s over…and now here I fuckin’ am!“

Her gaze remained stern. She stared down at him, daring him to try and get past her this time.

The hard look on his face softened considerably. His eyes were glazed over, ready to unleash a flurry of tears. “Just...go...ride your horse...live your life. I'll live mine," he said softly. “Please,” he put a hand over his face.

She released her grip on the handles. He didn’t try to move away from her. She walked around to face him, and gently pulled his hand away from his face. There were tears now. It was progress. Even if it was only a little. “But you aren’t living Justin,” she said after a moment. “You’re barely surviving.”

He sniffled. “I’m breathing aren’t I?”

She flashed him a small smile. “People on life support breathe too.”

“Jesus…” he said, his bottom lip quivering. "Sheridan, why the hell do you even care? Why the hell do you care…“ he paused for a moment, gazing out into space. “…that he died? You didn‘t know him. You didn’t spend every fucking day of your life with him. And you certainly didn’t sit by and watch him die in a hospital bed,” he sobbed. “So just…fuck off alright?” He sucked in a long breath, wiped the tears from his eyes, and began to stare out the window again. “Just fuck off.”

He started to cry.

Sheridan would have smiled normally. Normally, accomplishing a task such as this would have made her feel like a professional…like her mother. But she wasn’t smiling. She wasn’t smiling, because now she knew what he was going through. He was dealing with the same emotional trauma that she had all those years ago. She knew this pain. She knew how it could plague your mind night after night, day after day. Never hesitating to remind you…that it was entirely your fault. She felt like hugging him just then, and she did, not caring that if he got angry at her for it. She felt him tense up, but didn’t let go. She knew that deep down, he needed this. He needed it more than he knew.

“Stop,” he got out. “Just stop it.”

“No. I won’t. You need this.”

Silence followed.

Minutes passed. Then she felt a hand on her back, giving it a light pat. Then it developed into a full embrace. She didn’t say anything. She knew any words she could say would ruin the moment.

“Did you ever feel so alone…” she heard him say. “That you forgot….what it felt like to reach out and touch somebody?”

She hugged him tighter. “Yes.”

He was clinging to her now. “I got you,” she whispered.

“Don’t let go.”

************

“I hope you like leggo my eggo,” Sheridan said, pulling a box of waffles out of the freezer. “I never bothered to take the time to learn how to make a good meal. But when you live in New York City most of the year, you don’t need to worry about it. There’s a place to eat on every corner.”

“I know,“ Justin nodded.

She chuckled. “Right…I always forget who you are for some reason.“

Justin watched as she expertly popped four waffles into the toaster. It was sort of cute to him, that this girl who was capable of so much wouldn’t attempt to learn how to make an omelet. Justin wasn’t an amazing cook himself, but he did know that he could make a killer omelet. When Trace had been alive, and they had been home…it was all they would eat….breakfast…lunch…sometimes even dinner if they hadn’t felt like calling up Tiny to get it for them. It had been months since he had thought about doing anything like this. The depression sucked all of the life out of him. Now…now he was coming around. He looked at Sheridan.

“Damn, I’ll never understand how you adjust the toast setting on these things,” she said, bending over and turning the dial. “I hope you don’t mind burnt…leggo my eggo,” she frowned.

He smiled. It was because of her…because she hadn’t given up on him when he had told her to, that he wasn‘t brooding out by the horse stables. It was because of her, that he was able to unleash some of the demons inside of him. Trace…she was the first person he had ever talked to about it, besides those that already knew the story. Suddenly, the world he had come to hate so much, was starting to seem a little brighter. But only just. “I can make omelets,” he whispered.

Sheridan looked back over her shoulder. “No shit,” she gasped. “For real?”

He smiled. It felt good. “Fo’ sheezy.” He didn’t hesitate to wheel himself over to the refrigerator. “It’s not hard. All you need’s some eggs, cheese and other junk,” he yanked open the door, and scanned it for a few moments. “Look Sher, you got everything right here.” He reached inside and grabbed the desired items from their locations. He wheeled himself over to the counter, and placed the items on it. He looked at her. She was staring at him strangely. “Now what?”

“Nothing,” she chuckled. “Just…I’m just waiting to see how you do this.”

“Alright,” he said, taking a deep breath. “First, you get your pan. It’s gotta be a good sized pan, so you can flip the omelet and not have it get all runny and shit.”

Sheridan reached up and took a pot from the rack. “Like this?”

He sighed. “No no…not like that,” he looked up into the rack. “That one,” he pointed out.

She took the pan down. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he opened the carton of eggs. “Now you take your eggs, and cook those a little…and then you add the stuff in.”

Sheridan looked lost. “Cook them a little? But when do I know when it’s been a little?”

Justin tipped his head back and laughed. “Girl, you don’t cook do ya?”

She frowned. “So?”

“Here…let me,” he moved himself closer to the stove. “Just hand me what I tell you to.”

“Alright,” Sheridan moved to the other side of him. “So…how did you learn to do this anyway?”

He smiled. “Go live on a bus for months at a time,” he said. “You learn to do for yourself pretty quick. Egg please,” he held out his hand.

“When did you start doing all of that?” Sheridan asked him.

“Well…me and the guys knew each other for awhile. I was sixteen when we got signed.”

“Oh…so you never went to high school?”

“Nope,” he shook his head. “Spatula.”

She passed it to him. “Do you ever…wish you had?”

He nodded. “Sometimes. I mean Trace went, but he dropped--” he stopped. He looked at her. She was staring at him intently, waiting for him to finish his sentence. But he didn’t want to talk about Trace anymore today. He had said too much already.

“So what? You just got your GED then?”

Justin was relieved that she had decided to change the subject. “Yeah. Well…I had a tutor. Me and Lance.”

“Lance?” she asked. “Oh,” she smacked her head. “That’s one of the guys from NSYNC right?”

He laughed out loud. “Guess you don’t know your boy bands. I need the cheese.”

“No,” she sighed, handing it to him. “I just know about you. But that‘s only because Marcy…God…that CD of yours is all she would ever fuckin‘ play.”

He sprinkled the cheese into the egg, and stirred it around. “Who’s Marcy?”

“Oh,” Sheridan chuckled. “My room mate. We’re good friends.”

He nodded. “Back at school?”

“Yeah.”

He flipped the newly formed omelet. “What are you going for?”

“Medicine. But I really want to base my practice in physical therapy, like my Mom,” she smiled.

"So you wanna push freaks like me around…” he mumbled, flipping the omelet one last time before turning off the burner. It was negative. And he felt bad about saying something else negative, because the conversation had been so positive. But at the same time he couldn’t help it. He was a freak. Nothing could convince him otherwise.

This time she didn’t frown. She smiled instead. “I bet I’m more of a freak than you are.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Get real Sher,” he said. “Here’s your breakfast.”

She grabbed a plate out of the dish rack. “I am.”

“Stop with the charade,” he grumbled. “Gimme another egg.” She did. He cooked his own breakfast in silence, and Sheridan prepared his plate for him. He stared at the food. He wasn’t hungry. This morning had been too much. He placed the plate on the counter.

“I can wrap my legs around my head,” she whispered, stabbing her food with her fork. “And…I can speak horse.”

His eyes widened. “At the same time!”

She started to laugh. So hard that her body began to shake. He stared at her. She had a nice smile.

“You like her huh?” Trace was standing by the sink, smoking a cigarette. “Not that I blame you J. I mean…she’s is your type. Tall, thin…blond. And yeah, she’s pretty cute…” he glanced at her behind. “But not amazing. But you were never one to go for those supermodel types.”

“Thish ish sho good!” Sheridan exclaimed, her mouth full of food. “Justin! You’re amazing! Why didn’t you tell me you could cook so well?”

“Stop,” he grumbled, shooting Trace a dirty look.

“I’m serious!” Sheridan exclaimed.

He looked at her. “Oh…well, thanks then.”

She broke off a piece of her omelet and threw it at him. “Grumpy Bear.”

He half smiled, and threw a piece of the cheese at her. “I’m not.”

She grabbed an egg. “Confess.”

He was confused. And he didn’t like the way her eyes were gleaming, or the way she was holding that egg in her hand. “Confess?”

“Say “I’m a Grumpy Bear.”

“Pssh,” he said. “Yeah right.”

She threw the egg at him. It smashed upon colliding with his chest, and dribbled down the front of his shirt. “That’s what you get,” she smirked.

Justin was speechless. His mouth hung open.

“Classic!” Trace exclaimed.

“Why’d you do that?” he grumbled, wheeling himself over to get a paper towel. The eggs rested beside them. He smiled softly, and quietly took one. “That was fucked up you know.”

She sighed and turned away from him. She opened the refrigerator. “Justin, it was just a…”

“Take this!” he cackled, throwing the egg at her. It hit her rear end, and smashed. Justin laughed. He hadn’t remembered the last time he had done this. He was sure it had been with Trace though. He looked for him. He had vanished, but this time he didn’t care. He was too busy laughing to care.

“Oh my god!” Sheridan laughed, whirling around to face him. “You didn’t do that!”

“But I did,” he said, grabbing another egg.

“Justin! No!”

“What‘s going on in here?”

The new voice caused their laughter to cease. Justin looked. Karen was standing in the doorway. She didn’t looked thrilled. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“Sheridan?” Karen said, focusing her gaze on her. “What’s going on?”

“We…” she began.

“I was showing her how to make this…omelet thing.” Justin spoke up. He held his breath.

“You cook Justin?” Karen smiled, walking into the kitchen.

He blushed. “I…guess.”

“He can Mom,” Sheridan said, her eyes gleaming. “This omelet is so good!”

Karen sighed. “I’ll clean this up. Just help Justin get ready for his exercises.”

A small, almost nonexistent smile was resting on Karen’s face. Justin smiled to himself. Maybe she wasn’t such a bitch after all.

“You should eat this,” Karen sighed, holding up his plate. “Or you’re never going to be able to tackle those parallel bars today.”

Justin’s eyes widened. Oh God…please no… “I…I don’t feel good.”

“You’ll be fine,” Karen said. Her smile had faded away. She was back to her normal self. “Eat.”

He took the plate from her. He looked at Sheridan. He was scared. He knew she could tell.

“Maybe…Justin isn’t ready mom,” Sheridan said, after a moment.

Karen gave her a disapproving look. “And maybe you don’t know where your head is right now, Sheridan.”

She bit her bottom lip, and walked out of the room.

“Sheridan,” he called after her. She didn’t return. He frowned.

“Eat,” Karen ordered again. She turned to the sink and began to wash the dishes. “I want to get started.”

He didn’t try to protest. He had been here long enough to know that when Karen said something, she meant it…and she never changed her mind. With a sigh, he stabbed the egg with his fork and shoved a piece in his mouth.

He knew he couldn’t get out of this.

************

The long strip of black padding seemed to stretch for miles. Karen stood at the opposite end of the bars. She had attached braces to his legs, to keep them straight, and now she expected him to tackle his fear. Justin didn’t know why she was pushing this. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t hold onto those bars and pull himself over to her. He would fall…he would be humiliated. Just like he had been in the hospital.

Sheridan wasn’t in the room. He didn’t know where she was. But he did know she had seemed upset at her mothers words. You don’t know where your head is…she had barked. What was that supposed to mean anyway? He didn’t know.

“The first step, Justin,” Karen said. “Is not thinking you can do this…but knowing you can.”

“Well,” he rolled his eyes. “I know I can’t.”

“That attitude really sucks,” she sighed, walking over to him. “Now, I know that you refused to do this in the hospital, but I’m not like those doctors. I don’t take orders from my patients. You will do this, Justin.”

He glared at her. “You can’t make me do anything.”

“Do you want to speak with your mother, Justin?”

He gritted his teeth. “Yes.”

She smiled. “Then you will do this.”

“I wonder what my mother would say if she knew that you were threatening me like this,” Justin snapped. “I’ll tell you one thing…”

“I’ve spoken with your mother several times,” Karen cut him off. “It was at her request, that I don’t have you call her, until you make this first transition.”

He felt the anger begin to boil inside him. Justin knew his mother. He knew she wouldn’t hesitate to speak with him. Karen was a liar. That’s all she was. A big mouthed liar. “You lie,” he seethed. “I know my mother.”

Karen smiled. “I’m sure you do. But really Justin, what reason do I have to lie about something like this? I’m not a warden…I’m not here to deprive you of your loved ones. I’m here to help you get better, and your mother thinks that a phone call to her looming over your head, will motivate you to do this. That’s all.”

He could picture his mother saying all this to Karen. She had probably been curled up on the couch, her hair in that messy ponytail she always wore when she was lazing around the house. Paul had been at her side, squeezing her hand for the length of the phone conversation. He knew it had probably been difficult for her…nearly unbearable. But she had done it for his well being. He hated how right Karen was. “But I can’t do this,” he whispered.

She kneeled down to his level. “Tell me why.”

He looked at her. Her gaze wasn’t cold, or demanding. It was a caring one. “Because…it’s…just look at me. I mean,” he paused and sighed. “I have a piss bag attached to me.”

“I know this seems impossible,” she nodded. “You’re sitting there in that chair, thinking that the world has turned its back on you. But it hasn’t Justin. You have the power to get better,” she placed her hand over his heart. “In here.”

He bit his bottom lip, and gazed at the bars again. Was she right? “Do you…really think that?”

“No,” she shook her head.

He frowned, and looked down at his lap.

“I know that.”

He looked at her again. “But what if I fall.”

“Then you’ll get up and do it again. I’ll be here to help you Justin. Every step of the way.”

He looked at the bars again. He looked at them long and hard. What are the benefits of this? he thought to himself. If I do this, and I fall…I’ll feel like a stupid freak. But if this works…and I keep going at it, I‘ll get to walk again. I need to walk again. Walking. Walking could eventually turn into dancing. He needed to dance again. He needed to perform again. “You won’t leave?” he said, with questioning eyes.

“I’ll be right here,” she smiled. “Are you ready?”

He sucked in a breath. “I…I think.”

“Okay,” she stood up and held her hands out to him. “Take my hands.”

He did. She pulled him to his feet. He fell back into the chair. “Fuck,” he whimpered.

“Come on Justin,” Karen persisted. “Don’t quit.”

And he didn’t this time. He took her hands again. This time, she locked her arms around his upper body, and pushed him onto the black pad. “Now, hold onto the bars.”

He grabbed onto them. She let go. “No!” he yelled. “Karen!”

“I’m right here.”

His upper body was shaking. Sweat dripped down his face. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t hold himself up like this. It was like the hospital…exactly like it. He felt himself slip. “Karen!”

“Come on you pussy! Do it!” Trace was standing at the end of the padding now.

“I can’t!” he yelled.

“Don’t you say you can’t,” Trace pointed his finger at him. “Don’t you fuckin’ say that.”

“One step Justin. That’s all you need to take.” Karen called out. “Just one.”

He gritted his teeth. He tried. He tried so hard. It was useless. He couldn’t move. “Nothing works,” he cried.

Somehow, Trace had moved from his position at the end of the bars, and was now standing before him. “Remember that time…that time you sprained your ankle J?”

“Wha…”

“We went to the club,” Trace snickered. “And you had that dance off. Man, you kicked that guys ass…remember?”

He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes. He did remember. But that had only been a sprained ankle. He couldn’t feel his legs. There was a big difference. “But…”

“One step…you heard her,” he said. “Just do it.” He vanished.

Trace had a point. If he could have a dance off with a sprained ankle…why couldn’t he push himself to take a little step? It wasn’t like she was asking him to walk the entire length of the pad. He grunted, and put all of his strength and determination forward. He closed his eyes. He felt himself move.

“Justin!”

He opened his eyes at the sound of Karen’s voice. “Y-yeah…” he got out.

“Justin you did it! You took a step!”

She felt her from behind him, locking her arms around his chest. It was a good thing too, because he knew he was going to fall at any moment. Then he felt the chair beneath him again. He looked up at her. “I did.” He felt himself smile.

“I told you,” Karen smiled. “I told you that you could do it.”

“What’s happening.”

He heard it. Her sweet voice. He looked over his shoulder. Sheridan was standing in the doorway, a small smile resting on her face.

“Justin took a step,” Karen beamed.

“No!” Sheridan exclaimed. “Justin! That’s great!”

“Thanks,” he blushed.

Karen rubbed his shoulder. “Now…that deserves something,” she said.

His eyes widened. “I want to call my mom.”

Karen nodded. “Absolutely. After dinner, I’ll arrange something.”

Justin smiled. For the first time, it seemed that there was hope for him. Maybe he wouldn’t be stuck this way forever.

“Why don’t you rest for a bit,” Karen winked. “Sheridan, he’ll need a bath, if you can.”

Justin looked at her. She seemed terrified. He felt the same way. Karen had been giving him his baths, and no, it wasn’t the most thrilling thing in the world…but still, she was certified…a doctor. Sheridan was just…Sheridan. A girl he was coming to know as his friend. A kind of cute girl at that. Now she had to see him naked? “But Karen…” he began.

“Oh you don’t mind do you Justin?” Karen asked. “She needs the practice.”

He felt too guilty to tell her otherwise. “Uh…no…”

“Good,” she smiled. “After your bath, you can relax for a bit. I’ll come get you when its time to give the horses their supper. Sheridan, let me know if you have a problem alright?”

“Yes,” she managed. “I will.”

“Okay,” she said, and walked out of the room.

He stared at Sheridan. She stared back. “I…uh…if you’re uncomfortable…”

“Don’t be silly,” she smiled, walking over to him. “Its part of the job,” she gave him a small hug. “I’m really proud of you. That must have taken a lot.”

He felt her behind him, and a moment later, he was being wheeled out of the room. “Thanks Sheridan.”

“You’re welcome, Grumpy Bear.”

“Is that name gonna stick?” he groaned.

“Of course,” she giggled.

“Well then, I guess I need to think of a name for you.”

“Oh?” he heard her say. “Like what?”

“I dunno,” he half smiled, pondering the thought for a moment. “Let me think about it.”

“You do that,” she laughed.

Now they were turning into the bathing room. He trembled slightly. This was going to be different.

“You’re okay with this,” she said, putting the brakes on his chair. “Aren’t you?”

“Oh sure,” he lied. “Just fine.”

She began to remove the braces from his legs. “Okay.”

“Are you okay with this?”

She looked up at him. “I told you…it’s part of the job.”

“Why’d you go away before?” he asked her.

She was silent.

“Sher?”

“I…” she began, pulling the first brace off. “My mom…just embarrassed me.”

“You sure that’s it?” he whispered.

She looked directly into his eyes. “You’re not my type.”

He laughed. “Who said anything about me being your type!”

“Well…you kinda hinted at it,” she grumbled.

“No, I didn’t,” he whispered. “In case you haven’t noticed…I have a lot more on my mind right now besides sex, and women.”

“Alright then. Just drop it.” She pulled the bathing chair over to his chair side, and helped him onto it. “Strip.”

He yanked his shirt over his head. “Damn. What did I say?”

“You empathized that I have some sort of silly crush on you,” she said, bending down to undo his belt buckle.

He smirked. “Well…do you?”

Her eyes widened. “Certainly not!”

He laughed. “Aww! You do! That’s cute. I’m flattered Sher…really.”

“I do not have a crush on you,” she snapped, pulling his pants off. “God…conceited jerk.”

It was such a normal situation, he almost forgot what was going on at that very moment. “You know how many girls have said that to me in the past?” he asked her.

She pulled his boxer shorts off. “I’m sure that there are more than I can count.”

He was naked now. Naked in front of her. He was nervous. He looked down at himself, and covered his manhood. “Sorry,” he whispered. “Just…do what you need to.”

Her annoyed gaze softened. “You’re uncomfortable,” she told him.

He nodded. “It…down there…it’s not…it’s…”

“It’s okay,” she smiled. “I’m not going to laugh at you.” She dipped the sponge in the bucket of soapy water she had prepared. “Just relax.”

He did. The water felt good against his sweaty skin. Oh…how he longed to take a shower. A real one. A steamy, hot, shower. It was impossible. He let her wash him, and closed his eyes, imagining that he was standing in the shower. It was working, until she told him to lift his arms. He opened his eyes.

“Smelly boy,” she giggled, washing under his arms.

“Shut up,” he pouted.

“Well…this is kinda kinky huh?” Trace said, walking into the room. “It’s like…some kind of wet dream J.”

He shook his head. “This isn’t the time.”

“Sorry,” Sheridan whispered.

Trace shrugged. “I’ll just watch.”

“No,” he said.

Sheridan looked at him. “No?”

He gasped. He needed to stop talking to Trace. “I mean…no…don’t be sorry.”

“Oh,” she smiled. “Alright.”

“Man you’re no fun,” Trace pouted. “I’ll see ya.”

He was gone again. Justin rolled his eyes. He had always been a little whiner.

“I need to…um…” Sheridan motioned to where his hand was covering his manhood.

“Oh,” he said. He slowly removed his hand. He winced.

She looked at him. “Don’t be nervous,” she said, beginning to wash him again.

“I can’t feel anything,” he whispered. “It’s…degrading, ya know.”

“Actually…I don’t know. I’m not…equipped.”

He started to laugh. It was so strange. A strange situation…a strange thing to be laughing about. But he knew she was the only one who could have brought some humor to the situation. She began to laugh too. Then their laughter ceased. He caught her eyes with his. “You’re…” he took in a breath. “eyes are nice.”

She blushed. “Stop,” she rolled her eyes, and continued to wash him.

He wanted to touch her. He didn’t know why. Her hair…her face…anything. He did. He ran his hand through her hair. It was like silk. “Sher,” he whispered.

She looked up at him. He knew she was thinking what he was. “I can’t kiss you Justin.”

He bit his lip. “I’m sorry.”

They stared at each other.

And she kissed him.

Where is your head… Sheridan opened her eyes. She was kissing him. She was kissing Justin. She quickly pulled away from him. “Omigod,” she whispered, covering her mouth. Her mother had entrusted her with Justin. She had trusted her to be professional, and give him a bath like a professional caretaker would. But she had violated that trust. She had let his eyes…his voice…his body, captivate her. She felt like some sort of groupie, that had gotten into his hotel room. This was the most unprofessional thing she could have possibly done. She knew her mother would flip if she ever found out. “Oh…crap.” She looked up at him. His eyes were wide, nervous. “I…”

“What happened?” he whispered.

She stood up, and placed the sponge back into the bucket. “I dunno.” She pulled a towel off of a table and tossed it to him. “But I’m sorry.” She turned away from him.

“You gonna mess with my head now Sheridan?”

She looked over her shoulder. “I know I messed up, Justin.” She lifted the bucket off the ground and carried it over to the sink.

“You don’t just kiss somebody,” he said. “You just…Jesus…do you think I have time for this? Look at me! I‘m a freak…I don‘t have time to worry about you…and your damn hormones. Don’t fuckin‘ do that again.”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“Yeah, you’re sorry alright.” He picked up the towel and began to dry himself off. “You know…everybody is fuckin’ sorry. They’re sorry about what happened…they’re sorry I lost my friend…they’re sorry that I have to fuckin’ wheel myself around. And now you’re sorry too. You’re sorry that you felt like playin a little game with me, huh Sher? A little fuckin--”

“Dammit!” she shouted. “I’m not trying to play mind games with you. My mind told me to do something, and I just…I just did it. It was stupid alright…I know that. So just…try and get over yourself for a damn second.”

“Get over myself?,” he laughed sadly, shaking his head. “Just help me get dressed.”

She dressed him in silence, trying not to make eye contact with him. It was easier said than done. She couldn’t help but meet his gaze when helping him with his shirt, and his eyes held a despondency that she knew she had put there. Why had she done it? She pondered the thought, while listening to Justin grumble about how he ‘couldn’t wait to call his mother and get outta here’…’get away from you’. She couldn’t think of a straight answer to give to herself. All she knew was that she had felt strongly compelled to make him feel loved, and her mind and body had reacted the only way they knew how.

Once she had Justin dressed and back in his wheelchair, she wheeled him out of the room. “Wanna watch a movie?” she said, figuring it might brighten mood.

“No,” he mumbled. “Leave me by the piano.”

“Can I watch?”

“No,” he snapped.

She frowned. “You know, I thought you wanted me to kiss you.”

He looked up at her. “You thought fuckin’ wrong.”

She turned into the room that contained the piano. It was the same room that he had broken down in last night. Sheridan couldn’t believe that she had come so far with him, only to end up in the position she was in now. She parked him in front of the piano. “So are you going to stay mad at me forever?” she sighed.

He began to toy with the keys. “Yes.”

She chuckled. “Now look at me and say it.”

He didn’t look at her. “Leave,” he grumbled. An angry look suddenly spread across his face, and he looked off to his left. “Shut up!” he exclaimed. “Cocky mother fucker.”

Sheridan was confused. She was sure that comment hadn’t been directed at her. But it had sounded so angry, she knew it could have been. “Justin?”

“I’m sick of you,” he seethed, still looking in the same direction. “Just die already!”

He couldn’t have been talking to her. It was so strange. She had never seen him acting this way before. Well…that first day…she had thought he had been talking to himself, but she hadn’t thought about it much. Now it made more sense. She placed a hand on his shoulder. “Justin.”

He jumped a little, and finally looked over at her. “W-what?”

“Who are you talking to?”

His eyes widened. “You.”

“No,” she shook her head. “You couldn’t have been.”

He quickly directed his gaze down at the piano keys. “Leave me alone.”

“Talk to me,” she whispered.

He looked back at her. An angry, cold gaze was resting on his face. “Go. To. Hell.”

Sheridan sighed. Justin wasn’t in the mood to be talked to…hugged…joked with. He wanted to be left alone. There was nothing she could do to change how he felt, because it was her fault he had gotten into this mood in the first place. As for the whole talking to himself thing…she would have to try and figure it out another time, when he was being more civil with her. “Fine,” she said softly. She turned and walked out of the room. She stood outside of the doorway for several moments. He began to play. It was beautiful…magical.

But she wasn’t allowed to be a part of it. And it was entirely her fault.

****************

Justin remembered how it used to be. She would let him make the first move. His lips would touch hers. They would be soft, and often, they would taste like some sort of candy. Then he would feel it…down there. First a tingle…then that stiffness that drove him wild. He would pull away from her just then, and just gaze at her. He would lick his lips. She would smile. “Can I kiss you again?” he would whisper. Of course, she would say yes. And thus, another one night stand would commence.

Countless nights had started out that way for him. There had been so many girls…so, so many. He couldn’t remember their names…how old they were…what they did. It hadn’t mattered to him. They had simply been beautiful women, who wanted to have him. That had been enough. After Britney…after all of his heartache…anything had been enough.

Trace had always been along for the ride. At the club_or the party_or the awards show. It didn't matter where they were. There were always women around_beautiful women. More often than not, they found themselves pairing up with two best friends_two sisters…two co-workers. They'd bring them back to the hotel, and wink to each other as they went into their separate hotel rooms, a girl on each of their arms.

“See you for coffee,” Trace would always say. Then the girl Trace was with would start to laugh, and then they would go into his room.

There was one night that stood out. One night, he would never forget. New Years, 2003. He had taken Trace to the Osbourne’s vow renewing. It was lame…but there had been no press allowed, so Justin had jumped at the opportunity. Kelly had been flaunting herself at him the entire evening, which had turned him off. But then…those twins had showed up. So, instead of letting Kelly Osbourne ruin a perfectly good evening, he and Trace had shoved Kelly off on his mother, who had also attended that evenings festivities. They had snuck off in the corner with them, and before he knew it…they had been in the limo going back to the hotel. The girls had laughed and giggled the whole way, while he and Trace had let their hands wander carelessly all over the girl’s perfectly proportioned bodies.

Then one of them had said, “Have you guys ever had a party in bed?”

He remembered looking at Trace, and then back at the girl. “A party?”

“You know,” the girl had smiled. “Like…a group thing?”

He hadn’t wanted to do it. Trace had though. It had been hard for him to say no after that. Trace had made him feel guilty. He had said it was ‘something you do once, J’, and ‘it’s new years after all’. One more look at the girls had made his mind up for him. Then, he had found himself in his hotel room…in bed. Trace on one end…the girls in the middle, and himself on the other end. Then the champagne had been brought up. After that…everything else seemed like a blur. He remembered waking up in the morning, and seeing the girls laid out across the bed. They had been naked, and Justin had known what had gone down. Then he had seen Trace, stumbling around, trying to find his boxer shorts. It had seemed strange at first, but then he had thought about it…realized it was only Trace he was dealing with…and knew everything was fine.

Then they had given the girls the boot, a common ritual, and had gone out for coffee. They had laughed about the whole thing. Trace had said “Dude…we’re takin’ this one to the grave.”

He frowned. He hadn’t thought Trace would have had to take their secret to his grave so soon.

Things had changed. There was the accident…the loss of his ability to walk…to urinate. And now, for the first time, he realized that he had lost the ability to feel…that. The tingle…the urge to crawl on top of a woman and have sex with her till the sun came up. It wasn’t there. He knew, because Sheridan had kissed him, and…he hadn’t felt anything. Nothing moved when her lips had met his…nothing twitched or fluttered. Down there…it hadn’t reacted at all. Not even a tiny bit. Everything was useless…everything was numb.

He was a freak. And Sheridan, well…she allowed herself to kiss him. She had allowed her self to kiss a freak. For what reason he didn’t know. All he knew was the numbness he had felt the instant her lips had came in contact with him, had scared him beyond belief…and he never wanted to feel that way again. She had gotten close…too close. The only option…push her away. Push her away like everybody else. The guys…his friends…she belonged in that group now. The “I can’t handle it” group, as JC had so affectionately named it when he had last spoken to him.

Jerk.

“You have an hour.”

Justin looked over his shoulder. Karen had entered the room, a portable phone in her hand. “You may call your mother, Justin…but nobody else.” She handed the phone to him.

He almost rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to call anybody else. Well…maybe his father, but that could wait. Right now, the only person he wanted to talk to was momma. He wanted to hear her voice. He wanted her to come and take him out of here. She would understand…she would say yes. He would be gone by tomorrow and in his own bed by tomorrow afternoon. “Fine,” he told her. He flicked the phone on, and frantically dialed the familiar digits. He glanced at Karen, while listening to the burr of the ring tone. “Can I be alone?” he asked.

She stared at him for a moment, before speaking again. “I suppose,” she sighed. She turned to leave, but then looked back over her shoulder. “I’m trusting you Justin.”

He nodded. “I know that.”

“Good.” She left.

He heard somebody pick up. “Hello?”

It was momma. He felt like crying. “M-mom,” he choked out.

“Justin!” she exclaimed. “My…what a surprise!”

“I love you.” It was the only thing he could think of to say at that moment. There were so many emotions bottled up inside of him…more than he realized. Hearing her voice…it made him relax a bit. It made him want to unleash all those feelings. He looked over his shoulder. Karen had closed the door. He let the tears seep out.

He heard her smile. “I-I love you too baby.”

“Momma,” he managed. “Momma, I miss you so much.”

She was silent for a moment. Justin listened hard. He was sure he could hear her sob a little bit.

“Karen told me you…you took a step today,” she said finally.

He smiled. “Yes.”

“I’m so proud of you honey,” she said softly. “So proud.”

“See,” he said. “I’m gonna be fine mom. Why don’t you just come get me? I mean, I’m sure I can take all this stuff that I’ve learned and put it to use at home, on my own.”

“Oh Justin,” she sighed. “You know I can’t--”

He cut her off. “Like hell you can’t,” he whispered. “You hired this lady…you…you left me here to rot. There’s no reason why you can’t take me outta here. Mom…I hate it here. I really really---”

“Justin Randall!”

He stopped talking. He was wrong. He was wrong and he had upset his mother, who was probably under as much stress as he was…if not more. “I’m sorry mom,” he whimpered. “I’m just…I’m scared.”

“I know you are,” she said. “And I’m scared for you…every minute.”

“I want to come home mom,” he whispered. “If-if you let me…I promise…I won’t be a burden like before. I’ll do for myself momma…please,” he sobbed. “Please let me come back home.”

“Justin, please don’t make this harder than it has to be. You’re not a burden…that’s not why I put you where you are. I put you there, because Karen is a great doctor…somebody that can help you regain your strength. Don’t you want your life back Justin?”

He was silent for a moment. “Yes.”

“Then this is the way to get it back.”

“This can’t be the only way.”

He heard her sigh. “No. But it’s the best way.”

She wasn’t giving in. He chewed his bottom lip. Why wasn’t she giving in? His entire life, she had always done anything he had asked of her. Now though…she was totally ignoring the fact that he was miserable. “You must not care then.”

“I’m not going to do this with you, Justin,” she said softly. “Karen said you might be bitter…and that--”

“Screw Karen!” he yelled. “She’s not part of us…of our family. She doesn’t decide what happens in our family. What? Did she brainwash you…like she tried to do to me?”

“I need to go,” she whispered. “I will speak to you soon baby. I love you.”

He gasped. “Momma…momma no.”

“I love you.”

“Mom!”

Justin pulled the phone away from his ear. He stared at it, hearing the monotonous dial tone blaring out of the earpiece.

“Brrrr…” He couldn’t believe his mother had done this…hung up on him. He closed his eyes. “Brrr…”

His eyes snapped open. He was shaking…sweating. “No!” He threw the phone across the room. It hit the wall forcefully, and smashed. “Fuck,” he buried his head in his hands. The sobs came quickly, along with the tears. He found that he couldn’t stop crying.

“Shhh,” a voice said. “It’s okay.”

He felt that warm hand on his face again. He opened his eyes. Sheridan. “Just go ‘way,” he got out.

She shook her head. “Just cry Justin,” she said. “I’m here, and I’m staying.”

Even though he wanted to push her out, he leaned into her anyway “Leave!” he moaned. “Just leave…like her…like my mother! Just go!”

He felt her lips on the top of his head. He couldn’t feel anything, but this time, he didn’t get scared. He closed his eyes. “Leave,” he whispered.

“I’m not leaving,” she said sternly.

He looked up at her. “Why not?” he asked her.

“Because you’re my friend, and I care about you.”

“She doesn’t care,” he cried. “Momma doesn’t care.”

“But she does,” Sheridan whispered. “That’s why she put you here.”

“I can’t stand this place.”

“That’s my fault,” she sighed. “And I’m sorry.”

He looked up, and stared into her eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

“I kissed you,” she told him. “You trusted me with so much, Justin…and I-I took advantage of that.”

He tore his gaze from hers for a moment, and wiped the tears out of his eyes. For the first time today, he felt like talking about it. “Why’d…you do that to me?”

“I…I thought it would help,” she said, but then shook her head. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

She thought it would help? He didn’t understand. How could a kiss help him? A kiss couldn’t make him walk…it couldn’t make him piss. Hell, it couldn’t even make him horny. He stared at her. There were tears on her face now too. He reached up and brushed them away. “Don’t you start crying too,” he said, through his own tears.

She grasped his hand. “Tell me…you’re not mad anymore,” she whispered. “Please.”

He was shocked that him being mad had upset her so much. “I’m…I’m not mad at you Sher.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” she said, after a moment.

He half smiled, and squeezed her hand. “Don’t be.” He watched her frown fade into a smile. He was glad that one of them was smiling now. It lightened the mood. “Hey,” he whispered. “How about that movie?”

“That’d be great.”

He sucked in a breath. Maybe, Sheridan wasn’t in the “I can’t handle it” group after all. No…she was in the “Doesn’t give up, so I guess I’ll put up with her/him,” group. It was a fresh start, to a blossoming friendship.

And it was better than only having imaginary Trace to chat with, that was for sure.

Two weeks later

“So, my flight is leaving out of JFK at eleven tomorrow night, and I should be in LA by one o‘clock your time.”

Marcy snapped her gum into the phone. The sound grated annoyingly in Sheridan’s ears. “Sounds good,” she mumbled. She glanced at Justin. He was sitting by the window, toying with the guitar that his mother had sent him the previous week. At first, he had been bitter about the gift, stating that it was just a ploy to get him to forgive his mother for hanging up on him. He had even attempted to throw the instrument in the garbage, but her mother had taken it away from him before he could damage it. Justin had thrown a fit. He hadn’t wanted “that stupid shit in the same house as him”. That was when Sheridan had taken it upon herself to drag Justin out of that house for a long walk around the property.

They had started to do a lot of that over the past two weeks. Whenever Sheridan felt he was starting to get into one of his moods, she would drag him out of the house. They would circle the property once, twice…sometimes even more depending on how distraught he was. She found that Justin was easier to talk to this way, and often he rambled on about things that she never thought he would have wanted to talk about; how he felt about his handicap, what his insecurities were, what he missed about his old life. Sometimes, very rarely, he would bring up Trace…the person he loved to avoid talking about. He would never go into much detail about what had happened to him, although Sheridan had a pretty good idea. Mostly, he would just tell her a funny thing Trace had done or said, that would send them both into hysterics. She wouldn’t push the subject, she knew that when the time was right Justin would tell her everything. The important thing was that he was finally able to talk about what he was feeling.

The bond she and Justin had formed hadn’t gone unnoticed by her mother. She often found herself sitting in her mothers office with the door closed, discussing the pros and cons of being involved with somebody like Justin. Her mother worried that she would become too involved with him, and when the time came for her to go back to school, Justin wouldn’t be able to handle it. Sheridan thought she was crazy. She knew what Justin’s life was like. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of people had passed in and out of it. She was sure that when she left for school at the end of August, Justin would be just fine without her. Still, her mother made it a point that Sheridan was not to get more involved than necessary with Justin. She even offered to send Sheridan and her friend to Hawaii for a few days, so that Justin could get used to not always having her around.

Sheridan refused. And it scared her a little, because normally, when her mother dangled a trip like that in front of her face, she jumped at the chance. But something was stopping her. And she was sure it had to do with the kiss she had planted on Justin’s lips that day. Even though all was said and done…and it seemed that Justin had forgotten all about it, Sheridan couldn’t help but think about it. She still couldn’t figure out what had possessed her to do such a thing.

But she was sure she wouldn’t have minded doing it again.

It was a bad thing. Bad because he was the patient and she was the doctor in training. Being professional didn’t include dating your patient. The first rule they had taught her back at NYU actually was “Never become personally involved with the patient.”. But that was exactly what she was doing. And it was becoming more and more apparent to her everyday how much she was starting to like him. Not because of who he was…or what he possessed. But because of the person he was inside. The person that not many people had bothered to see.

He was beautiful.

“Sheridan, are you there?” Marcy asked.

She snapped out of her daze. “Yeah,” she said. “Sorry.”

“Sher.”

She fixed her gaze on Justin again. He was strumming the guitar softly, and smiling. “Let’s go shopping,” he said.

Her mouth gaped. Leave the house? Justin had never been this confident before.

“Sheridan, are you there?” Marcy grumbled.

“Sorry,” she managed. “Ju--I mean, the client was talking to me.” That was another thing. Marcy didn’t know “the client” was actually Justin Timberlake, and Justin had no idea that Marcy was coming to visit. Her mother had pointed this out too, which had only made Sheridan more nervous about the whole situation. Normally, having a friend come by wouldn’t have been so nerve wracking…but this was Marcy.

Marcy, who was known as a “boy band connoisseur” by half the students occupying NYU’s campus. Marcy, who had plastered their entire dorm room walls with pictures of Justin, and the rest of those blue eyed wonders, without letting Sheridan have a say. Marcy, who blasted Justified so often that Sheridan had to unplug the stereo and hide it so she could get some sleep. Marcy, who had somehow talked her way into the backstage meet and greet of an NSYNC concert, and wet herself after getting her picture taken with Justin. Yes…she had met him, strangely enough. Now she would meet him again, under different circumstances. Sheridan hoped that Marcy had matured enough not to act like a star struck teenager.

“The client?” Marcy giggled. “Does the client have a name?”

“Psst,” Justin hissed. “Sheridan. You wanna?”

“Hang on,” she covered the mouthpiece with her hand. “Do I want to what?”

He strummed the guitar strings again. “Go shopping.”

“Justin,” she said. “Do you really think you can handle that?”

“I’m Justin Timberlake aren’t I?,” he winked, strumming the syncopated opening of a song that Sheridan knew all to well, but didn’t know the name of. “Ain’t nobody love you like I love you,” he sang, continuing to strum.

“I can’t believe you!” Marcy exclaimed.

Sheridan removed her hand from the mouthpiece. “What happened?”

“You’re playing Justified, after you gave me so much crap about playing it all the time!”

“Oh…,” Sheridan blushed. She hadn’t realized that Marcy was able to hear all of that. “Well Marce, you kinda got me hooked.”

“See, I told you,” Marcy said. “It grows on you after awhile.”

“Sheridan!” Justin called out. “Get off the phone would ya.”

“I heard that. Tell your client that he’s going to have to wait until we’re through.” Marcy said. “This is our time dammit.”

Sheridan rolled her eyes. “I think my client’s needs are a little more important than our phone conversation, Marcy.”

“But I need to talk to you. I’m crawling up the wall at my parents house,” Marcy whined. “They’re so miserable, all they do is degrade each other. It’s disgusting. “

“Did the divorce papers come yet?” Sheridan asked.

“Mom’s came yesterday,” Marcy laughed. “That’s what their last argument was about. I’d get into details…but I might hurl. It seriously sucks here Sher, I can’t wait to get out there with you and party.”

Sheridan smiled. She was long overdue for a party herself. “You and me both.”

“Can we go Timberhunting? I heard he’s doing his physical therapy at home,” Marcy pointed out. “We could like…bake him a cake, and then knock on his door. He’d have to give in. Justin loves cake…I read that.”

Sheridan’s breath caught in her throat. This was bad. Marcy hadn’t even gotten to the airport yet, and she was already devising a plan to run into “Mr. Timberlake”. “Marcy,” she huffed. “I think I should tell you something.”

“If you’re going to say I’m crazy, you can save your breath. I already know I am.”

She looked at Justin. He looked so happy, so content. The happiest he had looked since he had arrived. Sheridan knew that if she told Marcy about him today…she was going to have to tell Justin. She didn’t want to do that. He wanted to go shopping. He wanted to leave the house. She wasn’t about to spoil his mood because of Marcy’s obsession. No, she would wait until she picked her up from the airport. “That’s what I was going to say,” she said finally. “Listen, I would love to stay on the phone with you, but unlike your spoiled ass, I have a job to do.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Marcy huffed. “Just be at the airport tomorrow. I ain’t paying for no cab in the middle of the night.”

“Yes ma’am,” Sheridan snickered. “See you then.” She clicked the phone off.

“Damn,” Justin said. “Who was that?”

Sheridan laughed out loud. “Marcy.”

“That’s your roommate,” he stated.

“Yes.”

“Oh…that’s cool. You must miss her,” he put the guitar down on the floor and rolled toward her.

She raised and lowered her eyebrows. “Yeah, a little.”

“You gonna see her at all?”

Sheridan was taken aback. “Well…uh…”

He shot her a confused look, and chuckled a little. “Sher?”

She wanted to lie to him. She wanted to tell him that Marcy was staying in New York, and she wasn’t going to bring her boy band loving self anywhere near his shattered form. She opened her mouth. She couldn’t lie to him. She just…couldn’t. “Yes,” she blurted out.

“Oh.” The confusion was still apparent on his face. Then he looked into her eyes, and Sheridan knew that it had just hit him. “She’s coming here isn’t she?”

Sheridan simply nodded.

“She’s a fan isn’t she?,” he whispered.

She was amazed how quickly he caught onto things. “Damn,” she said. “You don’t miss a beat do you.”

“You should have asked me,” he grumbled.

“I shouldn’t have to ask your permission to see my best friend, Justin. I mean, I need to have a life too.”

“Oh right!” he shouted. “So I guess the fact that you have a fuckin’ fan coming to this house to gawk at me is fine then!”

“Justin, it’s not like that.”

He rolled away from her.

“Justin!” she said, running after him Like so many times before, she grabbed onto his handle bars, stopping him mid-roll.

“Look,” he huffed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.“ Sheridan released her hold on the handle bars, and he turned to face her. “Maybe, I should have asked. I dunno…it’s just…Marcy’s having problems at home so I just…I said she could come stay for a few days…”

“Sher,” he cut her off. “You don’t have to make excuses. I don’t run your life.”

He was right. She laughed at herself. “I know. But Marcy…she’s just such a big fan.”

“It’s nothing I can’t handle. I mean, she’ll stare…everybody stares.” He looked down at his lap. “Maybe…it’ll be good for me.”

Sheridan smiled. It was the first time he had looked at the brighter side of a bad situation. It was another step forward. “I think it will. And I promise…I’ll give her a talking to.”

He looked into her eyes. “Thanks.”

She smiled. “You really wanna go shopping?”

His expression brightened. “Yeah. What kinda malls y’all got around here?”

Sheridan smirked. “We don’t have to stay around here.”

Justin’s eyes widened. “Your Mom would kill you.”

Sheridan nodded. “Yeah, but she doesn’t have to know.”

“Sheridan Williams,” Justin gasped. “I never thought you were so…daring.”

“I’m not,” she giggled. “This is all new to me.”

“You’ve come to the right person then,” he laughed.

Sheridan didn’t know what was provoking her to do this. She knew her mother would completely lose it if she found out where she was going. But her mother wasn’t home…and wouldn’t be home until that evening. That gave her the entire day to get back and forth without her mother noticing they had left, and even if they were late…she could just lie and say that she had taken Justin to the mini mall a few miles from here.

She would do this for him. She knew he needed it. He needed to be normal for a day.

Not that being Justin Timberlake could ever be normal.

*********************

“Where are you taking me?” Justin said, turning up the volume on the radio. “This is one hell of a long trip to the mall.”

“Just be quiet and enjoy the ride,” Sheridan told him, taking a sip out of her soda. “And the food.”

McDonalds. It had been so long since he had enjoyed the taste of a Quarter Pounder with cheese. After Trace’s death, he hadn’t felt like eating much of anything…and when he had eaten it had only been whatever momma had made for herself and Paul. Karen on the other hand, believed in good, wholesome meals that “got that energy level up”. Justin took another bite. He didn’t care about wholesome. “This is so fucking good,” he managed. “Jesus…how’d you know I needed this?”

“Because she likes you.”

He looked behind him. Trace was seated in the back seat of the car, and somehow…had managed to obtain his own burger and fries.

“Because everybody needs some junk food once in a while,” Sheridan said.

He barely heard her. Trace hadn’t been around for a week. It had started to scare him a little bit, and that surprised him…because he had thought Trace was a pain in the ass. The reality was that he really did want him there…so badly that it made him angry. “Does not,” he mumbled.

“Justin, who are you talking to?”

Trace smiled, and gave him a little wave. “Don’t talk too loud J. Bilbo might come back to haunt you.”

Realizing that Trace actually had a point this time, he looked back at Sheridan. “Myself.”

Sheridan laughed. “You’re silly, grumpy bear.”

“She likes you,” Trace whispered. “C’mon Justin, you used to be able to see these things right off.”

Justin sighed, and looked over at her. She was chewing her bottom lip, and was clutching the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles had turned white. She seemed to be trying to hold something back…or in. She had all the major signs of being nervous…having a crush on him. But at the same time, he didn’t want to believe that she did. The kiss…it had just happened. It hadn’t meant anything. He had just been naked, and she had just been there. That was all.

“See…I told you.”

Justin glanced in the rearview mirror, and shook his head at him. Trace disappeared.

“So, what do people like you do on a normal day?” Sheridan asked him with an amused tone. “Wake up…have a gourmet breakfast,” she directed her gaze at him. “Go shopping…”

“Watch the road,” he said quickly, clenching his fists.

Sheridan frowned, and looked ahead. “Sorry.”

“No…don’t say your sorry…I just…you know.”

“I know.”

He was silent for a moment. Something inside of him was telling him it was time to talk about…everything. Trace…the drinking. He almost did…but then he stopped himself. He couldn‘t tell her. He couldn‘t tell her he had murdered Trace. She would never look at him the same way. “And…that’s not at all how my day goes,” he told her with a sigh. “Sometimes, I wish people could really see what goes on in this business. It’s not all fun and games. I mean, sure it’s nice to enjoy the fruits of your labor…when you get the time off to do it.”

“Alright…so what’s a normal day for you?”

He smiled a little. This was so normal. It was almost like he was in the car, with some reporter. It had been so long…and it felt so good. “Well alright. My alarm will go off about four. Then, I’ll take the quickest shower you’ve ever seen and pick out my clothes and junk. Most of the time I’m in some hotel, so my time is even shorter because I have to make time to meet with Tiny and get past all the press and fans outside the hotel…”

Sheridan laughed. “Tiny?”

“He’s my head of security,” Justin said. “He’s not really tiny. It’s just a nickname.”

“Like grumpy bear?”

He laughed. “Yes, like grumpy bear. So anyway…when I finally get into the limo, Trace hands me this bag with like…a muffin in it. Then comes the coffee, and he puts the sugar in, because if I do it…I end up getting it all over me, and we don’t’ have the time to clean it off of me…so he just does it. Then we get to our first stop…its usually some interview or shoot…whatever. If I’m touring, it’s usually radio…if not, then it’s either a magazine interview and shoot or just a shoot. By the time that’s all over, it’s around lunch time. So I end up eating this shit salad because my diet doesn’t allow for anything else besides that when I’m doing press. Then after that, I usually end up going to whatever gym is around, and I’ll meet with my trainer…he flies out. So that lasts for a little over an hour…then I usually have a few more things scheduled…interviews…studio time…whatever. Sometimes I get to have a quiet dinner, if I’m not touring. If I’m touring…I’m lucky if I get to eat anything. Then, after I get done with everything else…I either hit up the club or go to bed, depending on how tired I am.”

“Whoa,” Sheridan said. “That’s a lot to cram into one day.”

“That’s nothing. You should see how many things we crammed into a day when I was with the guys. I mean damn…in the beginning, we were doing two shows a day. It was nuts.” He shook his head.

“But you loved it.”

“You’re right.” He stared at the sign looming before him. LOS ANGELES 20 MILES. His mouth hung open. “Sheridan,” he gasped.

A small smile appeared on her face. “Yes.”

He grabbed onto her arm. “LA,” he said.

She nodded.

“You’re taking us to LA?” he said excitedly. “Sher…I could kiss you!”

She laughed. “Been there.”

He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

She glanced at him quickly and smoothed her hand over his cheek. “You deserve it.”

Home. It was the first thing that popped into his mind. His house…his things. He longed to see them. He knew nobody was there. Momma had long since gone back to Tennessee. “Bring me to my house,’ he said.

“Oh Justin…” she began. “I…I don’t know…”

“Come on Sher,” he pleaded with her. “Please…there’s nobody there.”

“But Justin, you know…Karen said that you aren’t supposed to--”

He cut her off. “Screw Karen,” he whispered. “She’s not here.”

“I can’t do it. Shopping is one thing…but that’s just…it would be wrong.”

“If the situation were reversed,” he told her. “I would do it for you.”

“But it’s not reversed.”

“Sheridan! I’m asking you to do this because you’re my friend. Friends do things for friends,” he pleaded.

She shook her head. “I can’t.”

“Whatever,“ he grunted, turning his gaze toward the window. The ride continued in silence. Justin sighed. She wasn’t going to do it. He couldn’t blame her. Sheridan wasn’t one to break the rules, and the fact that she was taking him this far from the ranch still surprised him. He figured he should drop the subject, before he said something he didn’t mean. Momma always said ‘be thankful for what you have’. He guessed a trip into LA for the day would have to be good enough.

Thirty minutes passed. Justin began to recognize the familiar surroundings of suburban Los Angeles. Finally, he was someplace he could relate to…someplace he knew better than most people…a place that held memories of his life…Trace…the guys. He smiled, and began to take in the scenery, nearly forgetting that Sheridan hadn’t said anything in quite awhile.

“I hate you. What exit is it?” Sheridan spoke up.

He looked at her, and smiled. “What?”

“How do I get to the house?”

“Sher! You mean it!” he said excitedly.

“I don’t know what makes me give into you so easily,” she grumbled. “It’s really not fair, Justin.”

“Just…take the next exit,” he smiled. “Sheridan, I--”

“Don’t Justin,” she said angrily. “I’m really not in the mood.”

“You’re mad,” he told her. “Sher…if you don’t want to go then--”

“I’ll go,” she nodded. “But that doesn’t mean it’s right. Jesus Justin, if my mom finds out about this…I don’t even wanna know what she’ll do.”

He grasped her hand, and felt her tense up as he did so. “I promise you,” he whispered. “She won’t find out.”

She looked at him just then, and flashed him a small smile. Justin sucked in a breath. A strange feeling came over him. A sort of numbness he could only describe as a sexual reaction to how he felt about her. Was this how your hormones reacted when you couldn’t feel anything down there? He wasn’t sure. All he knew, was that he really wanted to feel her lips on his again…and it was scaring the hell out of him. He quickly let go of her hand. She grabbed onto it again, and laced her fingers through his. He gasped. “What are you doing?”

“Let me,” she smiled. “You owe me now.”

He did. But he wasn’t sure if this was the way he wanted to repay her. She was a girl…who wanted to hold his hand. That would have been fine, if he was sure he wasn’t attracted to her. But he was…and he knew he couldn’t be. “We shouldn’t.”

“I know,” she said, squeezing his hand tighter. “But hell, we’ve already broken every rule in the book…what’s one more?” She drove off the exit, and stopped at the red light at the end of the ramp. “Look,” she let go of his hand. “If you don’t want me to, I understand.”

He chewed his bottom lip for a moment, and stared at her hand. He wanted it back where she had it. He took it, and assumed the same position as before. “I want you to, Sheridan.”

A new presence seemed to take over her. She was smiling, like a school girl who had just gotten a kiss from the boy sitting next to her. It was so…cute. If the situation had been different, Justin knew that he would have kissed her already. But this was how things were. He was crippled…he couldn‘t function properly. He almost frowned, but then the light changed colors and the car surged forward again.

Justin smiled. In a matter of minutes, he would be home.

***********

“This one.”

Sheridan pulled up to the gate. She stared at the monstrosity of a home that lied beyond the wrought iron bars. It was very modern looking, and very, very expensive looking. “This is your house?” she got out. She looked at him. Justin had an intense look in his eyes, as if a million things were running through his head at once. She knew this was a big thing for him. She also knew how much damage it could do to him if things went wrong. She wanted to turn around just then, but knew she couldn’t. They were here now, and she had said she would stay for as long as he wanted to. “Justin?” she whispered.

“Yes,” he said finally. “This is it.”

“It’s gigantic.”

“Your house isn’t so bad,” he told her. “Your mom is a doctor…she could probably afford something like this if she really wanted it.”

Sheridan laughed. “Mom is way too conservative for a mansion.”

He didn’t seem to hear her. “Lets go in.”

She gazed around. There was nobody here. She had no idea how they were supposed to get the gate open. “How?”

“There,” he pointed.

Sheridan looked. There was a small keypad. “You know the code?”

“Of course I know the code,” he said. “It’s my house.”

She smiled. “Right…how could I forget.” She surged the car forward a little, and pulled up beside the keypad.

“You’re gonna have to do it,” he said.

“You trust me?” Sheridan said.

A playful look entered his eyes. “Should I?”

“Just tell me the code,” she smiled.

He did. She punched the numbers in, and like magic, the gates parted. Sheridan drove onto the property, and gazed around. She was in awe of the place. It was a place you only saw on those shows about celebrity homes. Now she understood why Justin was so desperate to come back here…it was a whole other world. Sheridan knew that she could probably let those gates close behind her and stay here forever…never growing tired of the place. “Justin, this is…amazing.” She pulled up to the front of the house, and turned off the car. “I mean, if I had known it was going to be this great here, I wouldn’t have given you such a hard time about it.” She looked at him. Justin wasn’t smiling. He was looking straight past her, at the front of the house. He didn’t look happy about being here at all. He looked almost, sick. “What? Justin…what’s wrong?”

“The ramp,” he said after a moment. “Somebody took it down.”

“The ramp?” she whispered, directing her gaze toward the house. Then it hit her. A wheelchair ramp. There wasn’t one. There was just a giant staircase, leading up to the fancy looking French doors. There was no way he could get up those in that wheelchair. She certainly wasn’t strong enough to haul him up them. “Oh.”

“Dammit!” he yelled, punching the dashboard with his fist. “Why’d they do it!”

“Justin, it’s okay,” she said soothingly, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Just calm down.”

“It’s not okay Sheridan! That--that’s my fucking house alright! I worked for years, pleasing those damn people…to get it. And now…I can’t even go in! I can’t even fucking go in!” He buried his face in his hands.

“Look at me,” she told him.

“No.”

“Justin.”

With a sigh, he reluctantly glanced up at her. “What?”

“Maybe they did it, so when you are ready to come home you wont’ have to deal with it. We’re not supposed to be here, remember? If we were, they wouldn’t have taken the ramp out.”

He sniffled and remained silent for a moment. He stared at the house, with a faraway look in his eyes. “I just wanted to remember…I just wanted to touch and see things…I mean, Trace…sometimes I can’t remember stuff about him--” he sucked in a breath and shook his head.

“Its scary isn’t it?” Sheridan pointed out. She remembered, she had gone through the same thing after her father had died. She had started to forget the little things. The smell of his cologne, the little tune he used to whistle while he cooked breakfast, the tone of his voice. It had upset her so greatly that she had gone to ridiculous extremities to remember things about him. She remembered buying a bottle of the cologne her father had worn, and spraying it all over the house. Her mother hadn’t been thrilled with that, but hadn’t stopped her. She remembered, the entire house had stunk of the stuff…but it had been okay. With that scent in the air, she hadn’t felt so lost without him. It had made it seem like he was still there, in a small way.

“I don’t want to forget. If I forget…” he said, chocking back a sob. “It would make me a really bad friend.”

“What kind of cologne did he use?” she asked him.

He looked at her as if she were crazy. “What?”

“His cologne. It’s…a good way to remember somebody. To keep them around you, always.”

“Jesus, we weren’t a gay couple.”

Sheridan had to laugh. “No, but if somebody is that close to a person…the generally know everything about them. Come on Justin, it’s just cologne.”

“Abercrombie,” he grumbled.

“See,” she smiled. “I knew you would know.”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” he said. “It doesn’t excuse the fact that I’m forgetting about my best friend.”

“Hush,” she said. “You’ll see.” She started up the car again. “Do you want to stay?” she asked him.

“There’s no point,” he muttered. “Just go.”

She nodded, and began to turn the car around. “It really is a great house Justin. You should be proud to own it.”

He didn’t say anything. He turned his head toward the window. Sheridan was sure he was crying, but she didn’t say anything. She pulled away, leaving the luxurious world that was Justin’s home behind them.

“Sheridan?”

She flipped on the radio. “Yeah?”

“One day…I’d like to take you back here,” he said softly. “One day, when I can give you a proper tour. You know, I can have you meet Buckley and Brennan.”

“Buckley and Brennan?” She chuckled.

“My dogs.”

She looked at him. He was smiling at her this time. “I’d like that.”

“That’s Will Smith’s house,” Justin pointed out.

“Are you serious?” Sheridan said, with wide eyes. “I love Will Smith.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty cool actually. He came to one of my shows last summer with his kids. He’s funny as hell.” Justin stared out the window. The memory was clear in his mind. The muffled screams of the crowd. The various reporters and photographers surrounding them. He and Trace standing in front of Will and his two star struck looking kids, laughing together about how stupid the press could be at times like this. He smiled at the memory, but it quickly faded away. The image of the black Jeep in the side view mirror was making him uneasy. He was sure it was the same one he had noticed when they had pulled out of his neighborhood. There was nothing odd about the car of course, but he knew there wouldn’t be…

That was how they planned it. He wondered how the hell the guy had known he was going to be coming here today. He couldn’t have…this was a random thing. What? Had he simply been camped outside of the house, day after day…awaiting his arrival? He didn’t want to believe it, but at the same time knew…it could very well be true. If the press got a hold of pictures of him now, they would be worth three times as much as they would have before. He knew…because he was in a wheelchair. People loved drama, and the press loved to give it to them.

On instinct he pulled the hat he was wearing lower over his eyes, and rolled up the window. He almost felt relieved, but then he realized that this wasn’t like before. This wasn’t his Jag…or his Escalade…or any of the other cars he rode around in with tints on the windows. This was Sheridan’s car…it’s windows were clear as day. Anybody could see him.

“Sheridan, turn here,” he said, in a hurried tone.

She looked at him strangely. “Why?”

“Just do it okay?”

She did. He glanced in the mirror again. The Jeep was still there. He groaned. “Dammit.”

“What?” Sheridan asked. “What’s wrong?”

He chewed on the end of his thumbnail nervously. “We’re being followed.”

“Followed?” she said. “Why on earth do you think that?”

“Just look in the mirror.”

Sheridan glanced in her rearview mirror. Justin saw her eyes widen. “Is that--”

“Press,” he told her.

“But how?,” she said. “We snuck out here.”

“It doesn’t matter now.” He shook his head. “They found me.”

“Justin.” She looked at him. Her eyes were full of fear. “I’ve never been up here before. I-I dunno how I’m supposed to get you out of here. They can’t…I can’t let them get pictures of you. My Mom--”

“Calm down,” he interrupted.

She wouldn’t look at him. Her gaze was intense on the road. “Justin--”

He grabbed one of her hands. “Look, you trust me right?”

She glanced at him. “Yes.”

“Then just listen to me, and do what I say. I’ll get us out of here…I’ve done this a million times.”

“O-okay,” she got out.

“Speed up, and turn down a random street,” he commanded. This was all too familiar. The only thing that was missing from the situation was a loud booming stereo, and Trace at his side. He closed his eyes.

“Where do I go!”

His eyes snapped open, at the sound of her worried voice. He glanced around. This was the neighborhood. He was shocked…it was so…easy. Why? Was there a catch? There wasn’t anytime to think about it. That Jeep had gotten a little bit behind, and it was the perfect opportunity to disappear down that road. “There’s going to be this hidden roadway coming up,” he told her. “Just keep going and I’ll tell you when to turn.” He squeezed her hand. He noticed she was shaking a little. It was so strange to him…her being the one in need instead of him. But it made him feel a little more like a man. He smiled. “It’s okay Sheridan.”

She looked at him. Her eyes were telling him how grateful she was. “Okay.”

Justin looked in the mirror again. The Jeep was still there, but he knew if he had her speed up, they might lose it for a few seconds. Then he saw the turn. “Quick, there it is…speed up and turn down that way. He’ll never know what happened.”

She did. He heard the sound of the Jeep whizzing by them. It was over. It was over and the guy hadn’t even gotten a picture. He sighed. “You did it,” he told her, giving her hand another squeeze. “It’s over.” They continued down the road, and eventually wound up right where he knew they would. It was the same…the trees…the overgrown grass. The place hadn’t been touched. And Justin wondered if anybody besides himself and Trace had ever come upon it.

Sheridan turned off the car. “What is this place?”

“We used to come here,” he said after a moment. “Trace and I…when we wanted to get away.”

She laughed out loud. “And you said…that you weren’t a gay couple.”

He didn’t find the humor in the situation. This was a sacred place for him. It had been a place that nobody else knew about, besides himself and Trace. It was like Coldplay…but even more special. “It’s not like that,” he mumbled.

Sheridan rolled her eyes at him. “Geez…sorry.”

“This is…it’s just a place we used to come, ya know? To clear our heads. We’d come…and we’d smoke, and nobody would know. Do you have any idea how good that felt? To have a place to go where nobody could spy on you?”

She cocked her head to the side. “Smoke what?”

He let out a little laugh. “Weed.”

“Ugh,” she grunted. “That’s so stupid, Justin.”

“Oh come on Sher,” he said. “Like you never tried it before.”

She was silent for a moment. “If I told you I haven’t…does that make me a loser or something?”

She hadn’t touched the stuff. He could tell. Did that make her a loser? No, but in his former life…he probably would have laughed at her…called up his dealer, and pressured her into trying the stuff. “Of course it doesn’t.”

“Did you do a lot of drugs?” She asked him.

He shook his head. “No…it was mostly pot. I mean, Trace and I tried speed once…but he got really sick from it, so we didn’t try it again. I dunno, I never got into the whole drug craze. A lot of people I knew did, but that was a road I never went down. I mean, I could of…I know I could of…but something was always there to distract me. I mean…I drank a lot…” he began. His breath caught in his throat. Then the memory took hold, and swept him away again.

“Justin?”

His eyes snapped open, and he jumped a little. “Huh?”

She placed a hand on his shoulder. “You were…doing that thing you do,” she whispered. “That closing your eyes…trembling thing.”

“Oh,” he whispered. “Sorry.”

“You okay?” Her gaze was full of worry.

He put her hand to his cheek and smiled. “I’ll be okay.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” she whispered.

“No,” he blurted out, his eyes wide. “No.”

She bit her lip. “Okay.” She glanced out the window and back again. “Do you want to get out of the car…maybe…sit by the tree or something?”

“Let’s just sit here awhile,” he said softly. “I don’t want to have to get all situated out there and then have to come back.”

She nodded. “Okay.” She turned the key in the ignition and rolled down the windows. “This is nice, Justin,” she after a moment.

He felt her hand in his. He gave it a squeeze and looked at her. This time he wasn’t afraid. It felt normal to feel her hand in his. It felt normal to gaze at her, and think about what it would feel like to touch her…kiss her. He smiled. “Sheridan.”

She turned her gaze toward him. “Yeah?” She looked nervous, as if she knew what was about to happen.

He pulled her towards him. Now their faces were just inches apart. She smelled like peaches…so sweet. He traced a pattern down her face with his finger, and smiled. “Hi.”

She laughed. “Hello.”

He felt it. His eyes closing…his lips brushing against hers. He opened his eyes again. She looked stunned.

“Oh God…” she moaned. “Justin…I’m so…I’m so sorry.”

“Shh,” he hissed. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He gazed into her eyes. There was that numbness again…that numbness that had scared him the first time around. It wasn’t so bad now. He knew it was a good thing. He figured, it was better than feeling nothing at all. “Sheridan,” he said, with a small smile. “Can I do that again?”

“We shouldn’t,” she whispered. “It’s not right.”

“Screw the rules. I…I want to kiss you. Please Sher…just one more time.”

She sighed. “But--”

He didn’t give her time to respond. He kissed her again, harder…longer. It felt so amazing. It had been so long since he had made contact with a girl like this…a girl that he sort of had feelings for. He worked his lips down her neck, onto her bare shoulder…

“Justin.” She whispered, pulling away from him. “Justin, you know we can’t.”

“We can’t what?” he grumbled. “We can’t…we can’t have feelings for each other because your mother wouldn’t approve?”

“No,” she said. “We can’t have feelings for each other because I don’t approve. I’m supposed to be caring for you…helping you to get better. I’m not supposed to be…daydreaming about you…or…oh god…kissing you.” She ran a hand through her hair. “This isn’t right.”

“You don’t believe that,” he told her. “I know you don’t Sher. If you did, you wouldn’t have kissed me that day.”

A tear ran down her face. “That day was a mistake.”

“When was the last time you felt this way about somebody Sheridan?” he asked.

She was silent.

“Or did your father’s passing hurt you so much, that you haven’t let anybody in since then?”

“Stop it!” she yelled. “You don’t have any right to say that!”

“Right,” he said. “Just like you don’t have the right to pry into what happened to me...but you do it anyway. Face it Sheridan…we’re the same kind of people. You know it…you’ve always known it. And now I know it too.”

She became enraged. As enraged as he had become the day she had first tried to get him to open up. “You’re wrong! You’re so wrong! I…I’m fine!” she sobbed. “My father died a long time ago! It doesn‘t matter to me anymore.”

It was the first time he had ever seen her crack. He was a little surprised. He hadn’t thought Sheridan was an emotional person. She carried her self so well…and hadn’t seemed to care when he had degraded her to her face. But now here she was…an emotional mess, and he was the one trying to calm her down. The tables had turned, but Justin knew that it probably wouldn’t last long. “Look…I’m not like other people Sheridan,” he pointed down at his legs. “You know that. You can talk to me.”

She covered her mouth with her hand, and looked away from him. “I don’t…I try not to do this in front of patients.”

“Look at me,” he whispered.

She did.

“I’m not just some patient.”

“You wanna know?” she said.

He nodded.

“I feel like…,” she paused and sucked in a breath. “That if I let myself be in love, then it’s like…what happened to my father doesn’t matter. It’s like, I would be forgetting what I did to him.“

Justin was silent. He knew he couldn’t really tell her otherwise…because he was going through the same thing in a way. He couldn’t let himself be truly happy…because of what he had done to Trace. He knew that even if he and Sheridan got into a relationship, the memory of what had happened would always be right there, reminding him of what he had done every day, every hour…every minute. “I know what’s going on in your head,” he said. “I can’t tell you not to feel that way…because I feel exactly like that…like I can’t just let go and be happy.” He took her hand in his. “But at the same time…I still want to kiss you, and I know that it’s wrong…but I can’t help what I feel Sher. You do something to me ya know?” He pointed to his chest. “In here.” She hugged him. He held her close. “I’m sorry that I feel this way about you. You’re right to say that it’s wrong.”

She pulled away from him and looked at him. “Remember before…you said screw the rules right?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“So if you can say it…I can say it too then,” she nodded.

He smiled. He felt his throat tighten. Then the tears came. “You sure?”

She kissed him. “Yes.”

“I’m glad we did this,” he told her. He ran his hand through her silky hair, and pecked her lightly on the mouth. “Thank you.”

“No,” she got out. “Thank you, Justin.”

“You need to call her,” Sheridan thrust the phone in his face. “It’s not fair to her Justin.”

“She hung up on me,” he grabbed a fist full of popcorn out of the large bowl that rested on the counter. “Obviously, it was too much trouble for her to talk to me then.”

“You were being ridiculous!”

“I wush not,” he said, his mouth full of popcorn. He swallowed before speaking again. “All I asked her…”

Sheridan cut him off. “You crucified her for not giving into you.”

He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. “I’ll be fine without her.”

“Karen says that you need to call her,” Sheridan nodded, trying to hand him the phone again. “Come on Justin…you’ve held out for two weeks, stop being stubborn and talk to your mother.”

He gave her a dirty look, and then glanced at the phone. He didn’t want to talk to his mother. Calling his mother would mean that he was giving in…it meant that he was agreeing with what she had told him; that this was the best thing for him. Yes, yesterday’s outing with Sheridan had been amazing. So amazing that he felt like less of a freak. But it still didn’t give him the urge to want to call up momma, and tell her that he was sorry he had yelled at her. As far as he was concerned…she was still the one at fault. “I don’t wanna.” He pushed her hand away. “Let’s go watch a movie.”

“You’re calling your mother.” Sheridan informed him. She clicked the phone on. “What’s the number.”

He laughed at her. “Screw that.”

She sighed loudly. “Justin, you’re only making things harder on yourself ya know. If you don’t give me the number, I’ll get it from mom.”

“She won’t give it to you,” he scoffed.

“Try me,” Sheridan smiled.

He felt stupid arguing with her. By now, he should have known better than to try to talk her out of any sort of plan, or idea she had. She was like her mother: demanding and passionate. He knew he could sit there and protest this until his face turned blue…in the end she would obtain the number and end up calling his mother herself. He wasn’t ready for his mother to know about Sheridan yet. He didn’t know how she would react. He held out his hand. “Just give me the phone.”

She smiled, and began to hand him the phone, but then retracted it quickly. “You’re going to call the right number aren’t you? You’re not just going to call your house and talk to your answering machine right?’

Dammit. He hated how smart she was. “You’re just like your mother,” he grumbled. “I’m gonna call Sher…alright?”

She smiled, and pecked him on the cheek. “Good.”

He snatched the phone out of her hand and reluctantly dialed the number, silently praying that his mother didn’t pick up. After three rings he started to become hopeful, but then the familiar sound of somebody picking up the phone ripped through his ears. He cringed.

“Hello?”

It was momma. “Hi,” he muttered, glancing at Sheridan.

She smiled, and took a seat. “Talk to her,” she mouthed.

“Justin?” Lynn replied. “Is that you honey?”

“Yeah,” he grumbled.

Sheridan scowled and pointed to her mouth. “Smile,” she whispered.

He rolled his eyes. “Uh…I was just calling to say hello.”

“You haven’t called in weeks,” Lynn said. “I was beginning to wonder when you would. Karen said you were still upset from our first conversation.”

“I was,” he whispered. He felt terrible. His mothers voice sounded so hollow…so lost. He wondered how much sleep she had been getting, he wondered how many nights she had stayed up, waiting for the phone to ring…waiting for him to call. “I know I shouldn’t have been mom. It’s just been hard…adjusting to all of this.”

“I know it has,” Lynn said, her voice cracking a bit. “And I guess I’m to blame for not really discussing all of this with you before hand. I just…I wanted the best thing for you baby. I’m sorry.”

He rubbed his face with his hand. She was apologizing. She was apologizing for helping him. It just wasn’t right. He glanced at Sheridan. She was thumbing through a magazine. He let a few tears escape him. “Please don’t be sorry momma,” he chocked out. “I didn’t want to understand why you did what you did. Now…I understand.”

“Your father and I have discussed all of this,” she said after a moment. “And come to the conclusion that…if you are really unhappy there, we can try the at home thing for awhile and see what happens.”

His eyes widened. This was his chance. He couldn’t believe it. He could go home…back to his house. Back to sleeping in his own bed…watching his own television…eating out of his own refrigerator. He would have the freedom to use the phone when and where he wanted to. He wouldn’t have to feed another damn horse ever again. “Are you serious?” he gasped.

Lynn sighed. “It’s not my first choice Justin, and you know that as well as I do. But I’m not going to leave you there if you’re miserable. You’re my son…you have to live your own life, and I respect that.”

Sheridan looked up from her magazine just then. She shot him a confused look, as if to say what’d she say? Justin bit his bottom lip. Sheridan. He hadn’t thought about her at all. He knew that if things had been different, and he had called his mother two days before this, he would have hollered “Yes!”, hung up, and been packed already. But this was today…the day after a major breakthrough for himself and Sheridan. He knew that if he left, and went back home…he wouldn’t get to see her again. Sure, he would call…she would call. But sooner, rather than later…the business side of things would take over him again. Being home meant he was fair game again. JIVE would be holding conference calls with him. Johnny, Clive, and countless other people he dealt with would be hounding him constantly. Aside from the therapy he would be receiving at home, he knew he wouldn’t have time for anything else. As always, his career would come first.

He didn’t want to lose her. Not now. “Momma,” he got out finally.

“Yes.”

“I…I don’t think I can come home right now.” He watched Sheridan’s confused expression form into a shocked one. Her mouth hung open…her eyes were wide. He smiled a little.

“Justin,” Lynn chuckled. “I can’t say I’m not happy about this…but it seems a little odd to me. Karen told me that all you‘ve been saying is how badly you want to come back home.”

“I just…I’ve been thinking about what you said the other time. You know, this isn’t the only way to do this,” he smiled, and winked at Sheridan. “But it’s the best way.”

“You’re happy there?” She asked him.

“Yeah,” he said. “Now I am.”

She sighed. “Justin you need to be sure. This is your chance. If you don’t come home now…I’m not going to let you decide to come home a week from now.”

He paused for a moment. Momma had a point. What if his sudden spout of happiness was short lived? What if Karen became even more demanding? What if he had a falling out with Sheridan? He knew momma meant what she said. This was his only chance to get what he had wanted since she left him here. “I…” he began. Sheridan grabbed onto his free hand just then, and stared intensely into his eyes. She wanted him to go…he could tell. He shook his head.

“Please,” Sheridan whispered. “You want this.”

“I’m sure momma,” he said. “And if for some reason down the road I change my mind…I’ll just have to live with it.”

He heard her sigh with relief. “I…I think you’re making the right choice. Please know that.”

He squeezed Sheridan’s hand. “I know I am.”

“Karen says that if all goes well, I might be able to come up there in a few weeks,” Lynn said. “Isn’t that great.”

“Yeah,” he said excitedly. “That would be great momma.”

“She said you should make it a goal. To…walk the full length of those parallel bars. She said if you do that, you can have a visitor.”

He sucked in a breath. That was a lot for Karen to ask. He didn’t know if he could do that any time soon. He hadn’t taken more than a step on that god forsaken device. He tried his best, but couldn’t seem to do it. It took so much energy, and he gave up the moment he fell. Still, Karen was adamant about him mastering it. She put him on that thing every other day…and he knew that now, with this knew goal in his mind, she would want him to try it every day. “I’ll do my best,” he said without much enthusiasm.

“Please do,” Lynn said encouragingly. “I miss you Justin. We all miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“I’ll talk to you soon honey. Take care. I love you.”

“I love you,” he said softly. He hung up.

“She said you could come home,” Sheridan said after a moment. “Didn’t she?”

He nodded. “She did.”

“But you said no,” Sheridan told him. “I don’t understand. I thought that was what you wanted all along.”

He glanced over his shoulder. Karen was no where to be seen. He kissed her. “That was before…,” he glanced over his shoulder again. “You’re too special for me to just leave behind.”

“Please don’t say that.” She pulled away from him and turned her back toward him. “You can’t see it now…and hell, I can’t either. But I know in the end, this won’t work Justin.”

“Why the hell not?” he whispered harshly. “Damn Sheridan…we haven’t been together for like…a day yet.”

She whirled around. “Who said we were together?”

He didn’t understand her sudden attitude change. “We kissed, remember?”

“So?”

“Oh, so it meant nothing to you then?” he laughed. “Don’t play games with me Sher. Don’t try to make me think that you don’t care…just so I’ll leave. I may be stuck in this chair, but I’m not that fucking naive.”

She let out a long sigh. “This is happening too fast.”

“That’s not what you said yesterday.”

“Yesterday was crazy alright?.” She began to pace back and forth. “I thought I knew what I was doing but now…now I know I should have stuck to my original theory. This isn’t right. I’m a caretaker and you’re a patient and…”

“I know…we can’t be together,” he grumbled. “I should have fucking known better than to mess with you, girl.”

“Justin--”

“Just forget it Sher. I‘m sorry I broke whatever code it is you live by.” He shook his head and wheeled himself away from her. He heard her call out to him, but he didn’t stop. He half expected to feel a tug on his handlebars…but it didn’t come. She hadn’t followed him this time. He stopped. He could hear it. She was crying. “Fuck,” he muttered.

“Look what you did.” Trace was standing before him. This time he was sucking on a lollipop.

How the hell does he get this stuff? He glared at him. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You shouldn’t have done that yesterday. You shouldn’t have brought her to our place. You think like a fucking horny animal when you go there. You know that.”

“Oh please,” he said. “Don’t give me that…you and Elisha used to go up there all the time and do it.”

“I know. But at least I wasn’t in a weird situation with her. Justin, what exactly do you expect to happen with this girl?”

He shrugged. “I like ‘er.”

“Alright,” he nodded, pointing at him with the pop. “You like her. She goes to school in New York…you live here. What’s gonna happen if you two fall in love? She’s gonna leave, and you’re still gonna be here.”

He shook his head. “She wouldn’t leave me like that.”

“Pssh,” he rolled his eyes. “Do you know how hard it is to get into NYU? She probably worked her ass of to get accepted there. She‘s not gonna throw that all away.”

“She could find a great school here. Hell, I’d pay for it.”

“She doesn’t strike me as the type to change her lifestyle for a guy,” Trace said.

“I’m not just some guy,” he grumbled.

Trace laughed out loud. “Look at you man! Still acting like this! Like some fuckin’ god. Pull your head out of your ass man…you’re in a wheelchair for crying out loud!”

He gritted his teeth. Trace was lucky he didn’t’ have something to throw just then, or it would have been aimed right for his face. “I won’t be when that time comes.”

“How the hell can you say that?” Trace whispered. “You’re not even trying to get back on your feet.”

“I am trying,” he seethed. “This isn’t easy for me.”

“What you need to do…” Trace took a step toward him and crouched down to meet his level. “Is forget about the girl…focus on your therapy, and get on with your life. There‘s gonna be other girls…but you‘re not going to be twenty four forever. You know how this business works. You gotta make yourself as big as you can while you‘re still young…remember?”

“Screw. You.” He felt his bottom lip quiver. “Who the hell are you to be saying all this…you’re dead.”

“I’m trying to be a friend.”

He closed his eyes. It’s not real. He’s not really there. It’s all in your head. He opened his eyes again. “Why won’t you leave me alone?” he whispered. “Why can’t you just die?”

“You need me,” Trace snickered. “I know you’re too bone headed to admit to it…but you do.”

“I don’t need you!” he shouted. He balled up his fist. He swung at him. His hand went straight through Trace’s face, as if he were swinging at nothing at all. “Jesus,” he gasped. “What the hell are you?”

He shrugged. “Whatever you want me to be.”

“Fuck…don’t play that shit with me Trace!,” he cried. “You’re dead okay…dead. I know, I was there. And…and when you’re dead…you’re not supposed to come back,” he paused for a moment. “You’re never supposed to.”

“Look Justin, you’re my best friend. And I’m gonna be here for as long as you want me to be here.”

“I don’t want you here,” he said, sobbing a little. “I want you out of my fucking head!”

Trace shook his head sadly. “You know what’s sad?”

He didn’t answer.

“It’s sad that you say you don’t want me around…yet you’re the one who’s keeping me here.”

He looked at him strangely. “What?”

He disappeared.

“That’s right!” he sneered. “Do your famous disappearing act now!”

“Is everything alright?”

He looked behind him. Karen was standing there, a confused expression on her face. Shit. “I…yeah. Sorry.”

“Are you feeling well?” She approached him, and put a hand to his forehead. “Hmm. You’re not warm.” She leaned down and looked into his eyes. “Have you been sleeping alright?”

“Yes,” he whispered. “I…I was just thinking.”

Karen nodded, but he could tell that she wasn’t buying it. “Just let me know if you feel like anything is wrong. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be emotional…or physical.”

He nodded.

“Sheridan said you spoke with your mother.”

He cringed at the sound of Sheridan’s name. “Yes.”

“That’s good Justin. I’m glad you decided to be mature about all of this.”

He nodded again. She was still staring at him. He knew she knew there was something on his mind. She was right. But he wasn’t about to tell her about it all. About what happened yesterday…about today…about how Trace wouldn’t leave him alone. “I’m okay,” he managed.

Karen simply nodded in approval. “Dinner is in an hour.” She turned on her heel, and walked off down the hall.

Justin groaned. Now she thought he was crazy. Crazy and crippled. But really…why wouldn’t she think that way? Hell it was the truth. Anybody that saw things…or people, like he was seeing Trace had to be crazy. There was no other explanation.

He just wished he knew how to make it stop.

**********

Sheridan was thankful to be out of the house. She was thankful to be away from Justin most of all. She had tried her best to avoid him for the rest of the day. She felt bad about it. She knew she had sent him mixed signals…and now he was paying for it. She felt like she had betrayed him in a way. He had put his trust in her…he had opened his heart to her. Why couldn’t she simply take his feelings for her in stride and try this with him? What was she so afraid of.

She knew what it was.

He would walk again. She knew that he didn’t think he would…but she knew he would. She had seen too many people in his situation. Justin was strong, both inside and out. All he had to do was believe in himself, and he could accomplish anything. He had proven this to both herself and her mother countless times since he had been here. When he walked again…he would become that person again…that celebrity. He would go home, and forget all about Sheridan Williams. The girl he had kissed during a sponge bath. The girl he loved to watch movies and make omelets with. She would just be a faded memory that he would think back on, years from now. She didn’t think she could handle it, and she was sorry that she had ever let herself slip up and kiss him in the first place.

Well, almost sorry. As much as she hated to admit it, she loved the way she felt when she kissed him. She felt warm…protected. When she kissed him, all the pain she kept so well hidden from the world seemed to cease for the moment. In that moment…and only in that moment…she was able to put her father’s death behind her.

Sheridan gasped, and turned off the radio.

It turned back on.

“What the?” Sheridan gasped, quickly switching off the radio again.

“Oh my god,” she said. She pulled the car over to the side of the highway and shut off the engine. What was happening? She sat in silence for a moment. Then she heard it.

“Just stop it.”

It was a voice. A masculine voice. She looked around, her eyes wide with fear. “Who’s there!” she yelled.

“He’s fucked up enough. Can’t you see that?”

She screamed. But there was nobody there. There was nobody in the backseat, and there was certainly nobody in the passenger seat. Was she losing her mind? Were her troubles with Justin burdening her so intensely, that she was hearing voices? “Okay, relax,” she told herself. “It’s late…it’s dark…and you’re stressed.” She breathed in deeply, and then let it out slowly. She listened for the voice again, but it wasn’t there. She checked her wristwatch. She knew she had to get going. Marcy’s flight was landing in fifteen minutes. If she wasn’t there to get her…it was all she would be hearing about on the way home. She turned the key in the ignition with a trembling hand, and pulled back out onto the freeway. The radio didn’t turn on, and she began to convince herself that it had just been her mind playing games with her all along.

Radios didn’t just turn on by themselves.

The girl had energy, that was for sure. Sheridan didn’t need to scan the crowd to find her friend. Because Marcy was everywhere. Clicking, and clacking, and jangling. She had bags and other gear hanging off of her…swinging and swaying. Her flips flops clapped annoyingly against the floor. “Sher!” Marcy called out. She raised her arm, and her shirt lifted up past her navel. Her stomach hung out, and Sheridan was sure she had put on a few more pounds since the last time she had seen her. Not that Marcy had ever been thin, it was quite the contrary. Marcy was one of those girls who over ate…and never exercised. But her weight had never gotten the best of her. She still wore skimpy tank tops…and short little skirts. She got a lot of dates too. She was so bubbly, and full of life…the guys on campus didn’t seem to notice how unappealing she looked in the clothes she wore.

Sheridan wished she could be more like her. “Hey,” she smiled, waving to her friend. She watched as Marcy forcefully pushed her way through the mass of people she was surrounded by, causing several annoyances along her way. She was oblivious to it though, as always. Finally, she broke through the crowd. Sheridan couldn’t help but laugh. Her shirt said “I’m going to EL-LAY!”

“Omigod.”

The classic first line.

“Sheridan, the sandwich they gave me has mold on it.” She clip-clopped over to her, and pulled the sandwich out of one of her many bags. “Just look.” She proceeded to unwrap it.

“Oh god…” Sheridan stuck out her hand. “Please don’t.”

“But just look!” She whined.

With a sigh, and a cringe, Sheridan gave in. She peered inside the wrapper, and shot Marcy a confused glance.

“Isn’t it gross?” Marcy gasped. “I’m going to show the airline people here.”

“Marcy,” Sheridan began, chuckling a little. “That’s pesto.”

“What?” Marcy looked at her sandwich. “Pesto? What the hell is that? A fungus?”

She laughed out loud. “It’s a sandwich spice dumb ass.”

Marcy frowned, dipped her finger in the gook ,and stuck it in her mouth. “You know,” she said after a moment. “I think I’ve had this before.”

“You’re too much Marcy,” Sheridan smiled, taking a few her bags for her. “So, other than the pesto fiasco…how was your flight?”

“Well…for starters I had this really annoying guy sitting next to me. All he did was talk on that damn air-phone the whole way. I mean, he didn’t sleep…at all…and it wouldn’t have been so bad, except he was talking so damn loud! So then, because of that, I had to resort to watching the movie they were showing. And oh God Sher…they showed freaking Bridges of Madison County. Snore!”

“Well you wanted to fall asleep didn’t you?”

“I couldn’t. It was so boring it kept me up. I can’t wait to get to your house and crash,” she yawned. “God, does it smell like cheese in here or is it just me?”

Marcy was talking a mile a minute. Sheridan was glad. It was like a breath of fresh air…and it was taking her mind off of Justin…and what had happened in the car before.

“Oh look! It‘s People Magazine.”

“Huh?” Marcy was pointing at the magazine stand. Sheridan knew it could only mean one thing. She groaned inwardly. She should have known that Justin would come into the conversation sooner or later. She was nervous. Marcy still had no idea that Justin was in her house at this very moment. And she had no idea how she was going to tell her. If Marcy was getting this excited over a magazine, there was no telling how she would react once she laid eyes on him at the house. She would probably wet herself again. Or worse…faint.

“Come on!” she shrieked, taking Sheridan by the arm and pulling her toward the stand.

“No,” she blurted out. “We…we don’t have time.”

“But look!” she whined, pointing childishly at the magazine. “It’s Justin.”

She peered at the cover. At the very top there was a small picture of him. The headline read Justin Timberlake: the last pictures. “How did you spot that so quick?” she whispered.

“I’ve been waiting for it to come out! They have photos of his last public appearance. I’ve actually seen some of the pictures on the computer already. Sher…they’re so cute.” She snatched the magazine off of the rack and frantically began thumbing through it.

Sheridan snatched the magazine from her friend and put it back on the rack before she could get into any more gory details. “Not now.”

Marcy cocked her head to the side. “What’s the matter with you?”

Sheridan sighed. “I’m just tired. I’ve had a long day.”

Marcy gave in. She picked up her baggage with a reluctant sigh. “Hard day with the clientele?”

“You could say that,” she whispered.

“I know what’ll cheer you up,” Marcy perked up.

“What’s that?” she muttered.

“Justified.”

She felt her heart skip a beat. Why? Why did Marcy have to be infatuated with Justin…why did Justin have to be at her house? Why did she have to kiss him that day? Why did she still want to despite all of this? “You aren’t playing that,” she said.

Marcy giggled. “We’ll see.”

*************

It had been a long ride. But now it was over…and now they were here. Sheridan turned shut off the engine, and let out a tired sigh.

“Woo!” Marcy exclaimed. “Sleep!”

Sheridan laughed. “You could have slept on the way up here.”

“Yeah but like…I heard that’s dangerous to do,” Marcy said. “It can make the driver tired. Like Justin…he fell asleep at the wheel…and I’m sure you know what happened to him. I didn‘t want that to happen to you Sher.”

Normally, Sheridan would have laughed, and told Marcy she worried too much. But now she was talking about Justin, and what had happened to him. He fell asleep at the wheel? He had never told her that. But then again, he refused to talk about the night of his accident anyway. She had assumed he hadn’t been paying attention to what he was doing…and she had a hunch that Trace had been in the car with him. But that was all they were…assumptions and hunches. She couldn’t be sure of anything. She shook her head vigorously. Stop thinking about it.

“Sheridan,” Marcy said. “Are you okay?”

And Marcy still didn’t know. She didn’t know that Justin Timberlake was inside that house. She didn’t know that tonight was Saturday night, and Justin was allowed to stay up as late as he wanted to. She didn’t know that he was probably still awake, watching a movie or sitting in front of the computer or the piano. “Yes,” she got out.

“You’re lying,” Marcy nodded. “Come Sheridan, I’ve lived with you for like…four years. You know you can’t get past me with that bullshit now.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “I guess…I need to tell you this.”

Marcy looked confused. “Tell me what?”

Sheridan was silent for a moment.

“Sheridan Williams!” Marcy gasped. “Did you…have sex?”

“Omigod.” Now she was laughing. “Marcy…get serious.”

“You did didn’t you!” She shouted. “You did the deed…you popped the cherry! See…I told you that you wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. Who was it? Some guy around here? Tell me! Please!”

“Marcy!” Sheridan yelled, angrily. “I did not have sex!”

Marcy frowned. “Oh,” she whispered. “No?”

Sheridan sighed. “No…it’s something else.”

“Well,” Marcy said, her eyes full of curiosity. “Don’t just sit there. Tell me!”

“You have to promise not freak out, Marcy.” Sheridan told her.

“Why would I freak out?” Marcy asked. “Christ, it’s not like Justin is here or anything.”

Sheridan moaned loudly. “Why me?”

“Girl…what the hell is up with you?” Marcy chuckled. “You’re starting to scare me. And that’s saying a lot…because I’m usually the one that scares you.”

“My mother’s client,” she began. “He’s…oh God I should have told you this over the phone.”

“Sheridan! I’ma slap you if you don’t tell me right now!”

She meant it. Sheridan took a deep breath. “Justin Timberlake is in my house right now.”

Marcy was silent.

“Marcy?”

“Okay…now tell me the truth,” she laughed.

Sheridan didn’t smile. “I am telling you the truth.” She stared intensely into Marcy’s eyes, trying to get her message across.

“Omigod.” Marcy gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “You’re really serious.”

“You can’t freak out,” Sheridan repeated. “I mean it Marcy. My mom will kill me. And Justin…I mean, I told him about you…but I still don’t think he’s comfortable with the whole idea of meeting a new person. Especially a fan.”

“You told him about me!” Marcy exclaimed. “He knows who I am? Jesus Christ Sher! I wish you had told me…look at me…I look like total crap! Take me somewhere, anywhere. I need to…”

“Marcy!,” she yelled, cutting her off. “You’re freaking out.”

“Oh,” she said, calming down a bit. “Sorry.”

“Look,” Sheridan said. “You’re my best friend, Marcy. I trust you, and I know you can be mature if you try really hard. I know I never got into your whole obsession with Justin, but I do know that he’s not going to be the guy you’re used to seeing. He’s…”

“I know,” Marcy whispered.

Sheridan nodded, but said nothing more. The look on Marcy’s face was enough to tell her that she wasn’t going to walk into the house and beg him for an autograph, or a serenade. She still looked shocked of course…but Sheridan expected that. Marcy would be able to control herself. She was sure of it…and that was good enough. “Come on,” she smiled weakly.

************

Bedhead: You’re not supposed to be talking to me are you?

Gumshoe0131: They let me use the computer on Saturdays.

Bedhead: Oh…well, as long as it’s cool.

Justin knew he was breaking the rules. But he didn’t care. He needed to talk to somebody…and he couldn’t use the phone. It wasn’t totally a lie. Karen had been letting him use the computer on Saturday evenings. But she had told him he wasn’t supposed to be talking to any of his friends or family. Usually, she would keep tabs on him. Monitoring what he was doing…what sites he was going to. He wasn’t supposed to use the computer after she went to bed…but tonight he was. He didn’t care if he got caught. If he did, the most Karen could do was revoke his computer privileges. He would survive. After looking over his shoulder to ensure the coast was clear, he continued his conversation with JC

Gumshoe0131: So tell me what’s been going on.

Bedhead: Going on? Well aside from warding off the press every few days…not much. I’ve been doing some recording. Joey’s been busy with Kelly. Chris has been doing some club shows. Lance…well you know Lance…little player that he is.

Gumshoe0131: I never thought he would be the party animal that he is now.

Bedhead: Tell me about it. We actually all got together last Friday. We went to Lorenzo’s. It was cool ya know?

Justin bit his bottom lip. He felt so left out. Why was JC telling him this? Didn’t he know how much it hurt him inside that he wasn’t able to go?

Gumshoe0131: Yeah. I bet you had fun.

Bedhead: It would have been better if you were there.

He rolled his eyes. What a crock of shit. That’s right Jace…say anything to make the guilt go away.

Gumshoe0131: Sure. So what else?

Bedhead: I ran into Elisha…she was filming. She came with us that night. She asked about you.

Justin chuckled sadly.

Gumshoe0131: Why did she go with you?

Bedhead: I don't know. I just ran into her, and asked her if she wanted to go. She seemed like she could use some company.

Justin gasped. He asked her out? JC was lucky he was stuck here…or else he would have made him sorry.

Gumshoe0131: Stay away from her. She’s engaged.

Bedhead: Oh come on Justin. It was only dinner…and besides, she needs to start moving on with her life too.

Gumshoe0131: You’re a disrespectful prick.

Bedhead: Justin, come on. You know it’s not like that.

He signed off. He couldn’t believe him. He couldn’t believe her. Trace was dead and buried and all either of them could do was try and forget about him. Why did everybody want to forget about him?

He wasn’t going to forget about him.

He heard the familiar sound of a door opening and closing a moment later. He cringed. He knew Sheridan was home…with that girl. He didn’t want to see her. He didn’t want to meet her stupid friend. He was still angry. Angry that at her…angry that she had been so willing to break the rules and kiss him yesterday, and then say that she couldn’t do it today. He was angry at himself for letting her inside…letting her close. It was the one thing he had promised himself he wouldn’t do. But he had done it.

And now he was paying for it.

The light went on in the adjoining room. He heard two girls giggling. He wheeled himself to the doorway, and looked out. There was Sheridan…and there was her friend, Margo. No, not Margo…Marcy.. They both seemed exhausted, but happy at the same time. It was familiar to him. He remembered the nights he and Trace had spent like this. Out at the club all night…then back to the hotel late. Sometimes they would be too drunk to enjoy the quiet, but then the other times…the rare occasions where they hadn’t drunk themselves into oblivion, they would just sit and listen to the peaceful quiet of the room. Sometimes Trace would say “Dude…you could fart right now, and nobody would know.” Then he would fart, they would both laugh…and then they would fall asleep.

He watched them plop down onto the couch. Sheridan picked up the remote, and turned on the television.

“So…is he nice?”

“He’s just a guy,” Sheridan shrugged.

“He was nice when I met him,” Marcy yawned.

“Can you stop obsessing please?” Sheridan grumbled. “He’s just a person…not a God.”

They were talking about him. Justin frowned. They shouldn’t have been talking about him like that. He didn’t like it. He wheeled himself forward, into the light of the adjoining room. Sheridan didn’t’ seem to notice…but Marcy did. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth gaped a little. For a moment, he forgot about his anger, and allowed himself to smile. He had forgotten what this felt like. To be looked at by somebody as if you were the most beautiful, wonderful thing they had ever seen. He realized that she didn’t care if he was in a wheelchair. He was still ‘Justin Timberlake, Pop Superstar‘, in her eyes. “Hi,” he said.

Sheridan looked over at him. She seemed a little surprised. “Mom knows you’re up still?”

“You’re Marcy right?” he said, ignoring Sheridan’s comment.

“I…” she began, eyeing Sheridan quickly. “Yes.”

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled. He saw her eyes widen even more. This was great. “How was your flight?”

“It was really, really great,” she said, dreamily.

“Okay!” Sheridan blurted out suddenly. She stood up. “Marcy, Justin…Justin, Marcy.” She walked over to him and grabbed onto his handle bars. “Say goodnight,” she told him.

“Goodnight,” he smiled cockily, and gave Marcy a little wave. Marcy didn’t respond. He knew she was too shocked to. Now he was being wheeled out of the room, and down the hallway toward his own room. “You can stop now,” he told her. “I’m not ready for bed.”

“Just let us get settled,” she said. “It’s three in the morning.”

“Screw you,” he seethed, looking up at her. “This is my night. It’s not my fault that you’re not comfortable around me. If you didn’t want me to be around you two tonight, you should have said something today. But…oh…oh yeah…you were too busy breaking my heart right?”

“Justin, that’s not what this is about and you know it,” Sheridan interrupted. “If you want to talk about this maturely then fine…but don’t try to make me feel guilty about it. I’m just as confused as you are.” She turned into his bedroom, and closed the door. “Are you comfortable that way?” she asked him, referring to his clothes.

“I’m hot,” he said. “Can I change?”

“Fine,” she muttered, opening up one of his drawers.

“Shorts Sher…that’s all.”

“You’ll freeze,” she told him. “You have to wear a top.”

“No,” he said. “Just give me what I want.”

“You’re not getting sick,” Sheridan said, turning back to the drawer. “If you get sick, you’ll lose energy…and then you won’t be able to do anything.”

“Who cares,” he muttered.

“I do.”

He glared at her. “Bull.”

“Damn it!“ She slammed the drawer shut. It made a loud whack, that echoed throughout the room.

Justin jumped a little. He hadn’t expected her to get so angry.

She threw him his shorts. “I do care! I never said I didn‘t. I said…I said what we were doing wasn‘t right. It‘s not…it‘s going against everything I‘ve been taught not to do.”

“But you said screw the rules Sheridan,” he grumbled. “You’re not supposed to say one thing and then do the other.”

“I didn’t want to Justin. I’m just…I’m scared okay? I’m scared about a lot of things…not just about breaking the rules.”

“Tell me what you’re scared of,” he grunted.

“Why?” She shook her head. “Tell me why I should.”

He glanced at the floor, and back at her again. “Because I wanna be with you,” he whispered.

“You…” she began. “You’re not ready for any kind of relationship Justin. Especially with me.”

“How can you say that? You’re not me…you don’t know what I’m capable of.”

“Justin…you can’t even get past what happened to you. You need to focus on yourself…not on me.”

“I can get past it,” he defended.

Sheridan placed her hands on her hips. “Then tell me what happened the night of your accident,” she whispered.

He knew he couldn’t tell her…not yet. He wanted to be mad at her. But the look she was giving him was making it hard for him to be. She did care. There was no doubt about it. He knew she cared so much, that she was afraid of what would happen if she let herself fall for him. She was afraid that he would be distracted. She was afraid that one of them might get hurt in the end. He couldn’t blame her, because he felt the same way. “I’m scared too Sheridan,” he said finally.

She looked at him. It was a look of understanding. “Can we slow down?” she asked him softly. “Just a little bit? Can‘t we just…wait?”

He wheeled himself a little closer to her. “What are we waiting for Sher? For me to miraculously get up and walk around the house? It ain‘t happening.”

She shot him an annoyed glance. “That’s right…it’s not. And it’s never going to if you’re busy paying attention to me, instead of your therapy.”

“She’s right you know.” Trace stepped out of the darkness, and in front of Sheridan, blocking Justin‘s view of her. “Tell her she’s right, Justin.”

“No,” he grumbled.

“Yes,” Sheridan said. She pulled a shirt out of his drawer, and tossed it to him. The shirt flew through Trace’s body and landed on Justin’s lap. “Put that on.”

“Do I need to go over all the reasons why this girl is no good for you again?” Trace asked him, stepping closer to him. “Cut her off while you still can Justin. Please. If not for your sake…then do it for mine.”

“Stop!” he whined. “I won’t do it.”

“You’re so damn stubborn,” Sheridan grumbled.

She walked forward, and stepped through Trace just then. Justin saw him snicker a little bit, before vanishing. He shook his head. Trace was being an asshole. Who was he to tell him he couldn’t have feelings for Sheridan? It was his life…his choice. Trace was wrong, and he was going to make that clear next time. He groaned inwardly…He’s not real you fuckin’ freak show.

“Is it cold in here?,” Sheridan said after a moment.

Justin looked up at her. She was shivering. He didn’t understand. It wasn’t cold in the room…it was warm. It was why he hadn’t wanted to wear a shirt to bed in the first place. “No,” he said.

She wrapped her arms around herself and rubbed her hands up and down her shoulders. “Really? I swear…it’s freezing in here Justin. How can you not want to wear a shirt?” She took the shirt from his lap. “Come on…I’m not gonna leave you alone about this. Just put the shirt on.”

“Fine,” he said. He lifted his arms, and let her pull his shirt over his head. He was barely paying attention to anything she was saying in the meantime, however. He was too busy recalling a memory, that usually would have been meaningless…

Up until now.

He had been on a flight headed to New York. He remembered being so bored, he began reading some book that Chris had shoved in his bag just hours before. It was a book about ghosts. He didn’t remember a lot of the stuff the book talked about, but right now…one part was standing out in his mind. There was a chapter about looking for signs of a ghost. It had gone on to say that people became very cold when they were being haunted, or had just been haunted. The book quoted that it felt like “an icy touch”.

But if Trace was a ghost, then why didn’t he ever get cold when Trace came around?

“Justin.”

He looked up at her. “You still cold?”

“Oh…no, it passed,” she chuckled. “I guess it was just one of those things.”

He became uneasy. “I guess so.” He let her help him slip into his boxers, and then into his bed.

“Are we okay now?” Sheridan asked him, as she detached the catheter bag from his leg.

“Dunno,” he said, looking away from here. “I’ll have to think about it.”

“Grumpy Bear,” she smiled, applying his new bag to the catheter and attaching it the bedpost. “You can’t lie to me.”

He tried not to smile. He tried so hard. But he got a kick out of that nickname…every time. He let a smile escape him. “I know,” he said.

She gave him a kiss on the forehead. “You understand my concerns about this, Justin. I know you do.”

He closed his eyes. “You’re right.” He felt the soothing touch of her hand on his face. “But I don’t have to like it.”

“Give it some time,” he heard her say. “I didn’t say that it will never happen. I just said that right now…it’s not the best idea, that’s all. I’ll see you in the morning. Then you can show Marcy how you make omelets.”

He felt her pull away from him. He opened his eyes, and watched her walk over to the door. “Sher,” he whispered.

She opened the door, and looked back at him. “Yeah?”

He sighed. “It’s not because…I’m like this right?”

“Justin,” she smiled. “You’re beautiful the way you are.”

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

“I don’t say things I don’t mean,” she told him. “Goodnight Justin.”

He smiled. For the first time since they had fought that day, he felt like everything was normal between them again. “Goodnight Sheridan.”

“Karen tells me you’re going to be trying something called, Aqua Therapy.”

“Yeah,” Justin said, clearing his throat a little. “It’s supposed to make my leg muscles stronger, so when the time comes I’ll have an easier time getting used to walking.”

“Well, that sounds interesting,” Lynn replied.

Justin was nervous. He knew his mother must have known about Sheridan, even though she seemed to be avoiding the subject. Of course, she didn’t know how much Sheridan meant to him now…or how much she had helped him through those first few weeks. All she knew was that some strange girl she had never laid eyes on before, was being recommended to help him in some aspects of his therapy. “Mom,” he began, wanting to tell her about Sheridan before she had the chance to say anything about it.

“Who’s this Sheridan person?”

He was too late. “Uh, well…she’s Karen’s daughter.”

“I’m well aware of that…now that Karen told me.”

She was annoyed. Justin wasn’t surprised. He knew that she felt as if she were being cast into the shadows. He should have told her about Sheridan weeks ago. He knew it…but at the same time he had wanted to keep her to himself. After all, she was really all he had now that everything else had been taken from him. “You’re not mad, are you ma?”

“There’s no room in your life for a girl, Justin.”

He knew she would say that. He almost laughed. Almost. But knowing that his mother wouldn’t find it humorous, stifled his laughter. “It’s not like that.”

“Are you sure? Because it seems strange to me how you wanted to come home so badly…and then miraculously decided that you didn’t want to. Justin, I didn’t send you up there to flirt with some girl…”

“Mom!” he yelled. “Just stop okay? Sheridan and I are friends, that‘s all,” he told her. It wasn’t a complete lie. They were friends…for the moment. “Karen is letting her perform her internship here this summer. And since she and I get along so well…Karen just thought I might be more comfortable doing the Aqua Therapy with her. Mom, you know what happened to me,” he said, and paused for a moment. “Do you really think that I need a relationship putting more pressure on me?”

“I just worry about you,” she said after a moment. “I want you to get better, and I don’t want you distracted. I’ll admit…I was upset with Karen when she told me her daughter had been there all this time. She hadn’t said anything about her before.”

“Does it really matter,” he asked. “She’s family. It’s not like Sheridan is just some girl who walked in from the street. She‘s different.”

“You can’t trust people, no matter how nice, or different they seem” Lynn told him. “You know that better than anybody, Justin.”

She was right, again. People couldn’t be trusted. But it wasn’t like that with Sheridan. Sheridan wasn’t like most people. Justin was sure she wouldn’t go and stab him in the back, or do something to hurt him. In fact, he was more than sure. But getting his mother to understand that was going to be like pulling teeth. She would have to meet her. He knew that was the only way that she would be able to see Sheridan for who she really was. “I know that. But…if you just met her, you would see that she‘s a good person.”

“I have no desire to meet her,” Lynn said. “The only person I’m concerned about here, is you. But Justin, I’m not going to lay down any kind of law or try to persuade Karen to send her daughter away. This is your life, and if you feel you can handle this situation…and you won’t be distracted, then so be it. Just make sure you don’t bring this relationship to another level.”

He sucked in a breath. “Of course not.”

He could hear her roll her eyes. “Promise me.”

“Oh God ma,” he groaned. “I promise, alright? Just don’t worry about me so much. Really, I’m going to be okay.”

“Don’t worry about me, he says,” Lynn scoffed. “You really have no conception of what it is to be a parent do you?”

“I’m gonna go now,” Justin laughed. “Please just try and relax.”

“Justin Randall Timberlake, don’t you tell me to relax,” Lynn barked.

“Sorry,” he murmured. “I just don’t want you to be stressed, is all.”

“The moment you get back on your feet, is when I’ll stop being stressed,” she said. “But I’ll let you go, I’m sure you have better things to do than listen to me ramble on and on,” she said sadly.

“Momma,” Justin sighed. “There’s nothing better than talking to you. Don’t be that way.”

“I love you, baby,” she said, her voice cracking a little. “I’ll talk to you in a few days.”

“Alright,” he sighed. “I’ll talk to you then.”

She didn’t say goodbye. The sound of her hanging up, was the only way he knew that she had ended the conversation. He pulled the phone away from his ear, and placed it gently on the desk. He was confused. Was his mother mad at him? Was she mad at Karen? Was she simply upset that he had been gone all this time? He wasn’t sure. Suddenly, he began to think that maybe she was the one who needed him to come home. Maybe…she needed him more than he needed her. He sighed, and placed his head in his hands.

He didn’t know what to think anymore.

“Hey there, Grumpy Bear.”

Hearing the sound of Sheridan’s voice, Justin perked up, and looked over his shoulder. She was standing in the doorway, a small bag in her hand. “Hey,” he said softly, wheeling himself closer to her. “I got up this morning, and Karen said you and Marcy went out.”

“Yeah,” she smiled, handing him the bag. “We went to the mall. I would have asked you to come…but mom said no.”

He frowned. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry,” she said, giving him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “There will be other times. Just open the bag.”

He did. There was a bottle of cologne inside, and as he pulled it out he realized what it was…and what she had done. “Abercrombie,” he whispered, not taking his gaze from the bottle. He sprayed a little bit into the air. A thousand memories of Trace came rushing back to him. He looked at her. “This is so great, Sher.”

“See?” she said. “I told you it would work.”

“She bought you my favorite cologne?” Trace passed through Sheridan, and looked down upon him. “That’s fucking gay. You don’t need to spray my cologne to remember me. I’m right fucking here.”

Justin glared at him. Why did Trace hate Sheridan so much? He’s not real…stop thinking he is.

“When did it get so cold in here?,” Sheridan spoke up. “Damn. I know mom turned the heat on today.”

His eyes widened, and he looked at her. “It’s not cold in here,” he whispered.

“Yeah it is,” Sheridan persisted. “Like, a minute ago I was fine. But right now…it’s so cold,“ she shivered. “Can’t you feel it? Oh…Justin,” she gasped. “Could it just be me? Could I be sick?”

“You’ve got gonorrhea,” Trace laughed. “Dirty slut.”

Justin felt the rage begin to boil inside of him. “Shut up,” he snapped.

“She’s a dirty slut,” Trace continued. “What the hell do you see in her anyway?”

“What’d I do?” Sheridan asked.

He didn’t hear her. The vision of Trace, pointing and laughing at her was enough to send him over the edge. “Don’t talk about her that way!” He threw the bottle of cologne at Trace. It passed through him of course, and shattered upon colliding with the wall. “Fuck,” he muttered. “Just fucking leave me alone!”

Trace stopped laughing. “You gonna make me J?”

“Listen to me!” he hollered. “Just…leave!”

Trace vanished, but it was if as he were still there. The scent of Abercrombie seemed to have sprouted limbs, pulling Justin inside it, back into that familiar fantasy world that could only be described as another dimension. It was dark…probably around two or three in the morning. Trace was standing next to him…well, more like leaning on him for support.

“I’ll drive.” Elisha was there too, but she wasn’t drunk. She was angry. Angry at them. But why?

“What’s the matter?” Justin asked, but quickly realized it would do him no good to talk. They couldn’t hear him, as always.

“Woman, you ain’t drivin’,” Trace slurred. “I’m drivin’.

“You’re drunk,” Elisha snapped. “And you…,” she said, pointing a finger at Justin. “You’re encouraging him.”

He gasped. This was the night of the accident. He and Trace had been beyond trashed, and Elisha had been putting up with it all night. But neither of them had been able to see how badly they had upset her. They hadn’t been able to pay attention to anything except the damn drinks in their hands.

Now he was reliving the whole thing.

“C’mon baby,” Trace said, staggering over to her. “Just get in the car…Justin’ll drive.” He looked back over his shoulder. “Won’t cha?”

“I shouldn’t drive,“ he stated. It was what he had said that night. It hadn’t worked then, but he was hoping by some grace of God that it would work now. That he would open his eyes again, and everything would be back to the way it once was. “C’mon man…let’s call Tiny.”

“See, Justin says it’s cool,” Trace nodded. “We’ll be all good ‘lisha.”

“Baby,” Elisha said sadly, grasping one of his hands in hers. “You’re too drunk to get in the car. Come on…lets go find a taxi…”

“Bitch,” Trace grumbled, pushing her away from him. “I’m fine.” He took a swig out of the bottle he was holding. “J man is fine too…and wure goin’ back to the casa. Now, you can either stay hurr or come back and fuck me…it don’t matter.” Trace began to laugh, and directed his gaze toward him. “You crack me up man.”

Justin remembered this. He remembered laughing and making some snide remark when Trace had said she could stay or go back and fuck him. He remembered the hurt look on Elisha’s face. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He wished he could say something to take it back…to make it all stop. But he couldn’t, and it was driving him crazy. He blinked his eyes several times, trying to snap out of the memory…but to no avail. The scenery remained the same. Trace was still laughing, and Elisha was still standing there with the same hurt look on her face.

“You bastard,” she managed. “Fine! Just…just get in the damn car…kill yourselves. I don’t give a damn!” She reached into her bag just then, and pulled out a glass bottle. “Take this shit with you!” She threw it at Trace, but he dodged the object before it could do any damage to him. It hit the cement, and smashed.

Justin smelled it. Abercrombie. He felt his stomach turn.

“C’mon Jerstin,” Trace slurred, shooting Elisha a dirty look. “Yur drivin’.”

“Baby,” Elisha cried. “Don’t leave.”

“Fuck off woman,” Trace rolled his eyes, and staggered over to the passenger side of the Escalade. “Yer pissin’ me off tonight. Maybe I will die…maybe you’ll get your fuckin’ way!”

Elisha was crying now. He remembered that too. He also remembered not caring. Then, as if some sort of powerful force was taking over him, he walked over to the car. His hand shot out, and grabbed onto the handle. “No!” he yelled, desperately trying to pull his hand away. But, it wouldn’t budge…it seemed welded to the handle. A moment later the door swung open, and the same force that had caused him to walk over to the car, made him get inside it. The door slammed shut. “Fuck!” he yelled. He applied all of his body weight against the door, trying to get it to open. It wouldn’t. Then the car started up, and the stereo started blaring loudly.

“Hell yeah!” Trace squealed, guzzling more liquor from the bottle. “This my song!”

“No!” Justin cried, looking over at Trace. “Please! Trace…just…get out of the car!”

“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yea-aahh!” Trace exclaimed. “Take that rewind it back…Trace got the beat to make your booty go clap! Take that rewind it back…J man got the beat to make your booty go clap!”

In the blink of an eye, they weren’t in the parking lot anymore. Now they were speeding down that road, and he was at the wheel…bottle of liquor in hand. His eyes widened, and he tried to dispose of the bottle. But he couldn‘t let go of it. He hand wouldn‘t let it go. He was so confused. “What--”

“Hey boys!” Came a female voice.

Justin looked out the window. There was a convertible…a pink one. Three girls were riding in it…triplets. “Shit,” he gasped. “Shit shit shit.”

He knew what was coming.

“Hey girls,” Trace leaned over him, his elbow jabbing him in the stomach. “Y’all got some room in ’dose jeans fer me?” he slurred.

“That’s depends,” The driver smiled. “Will your friend join in?”

“Say sumthin’,” Trace chuckled with drunken glee, and nudged him hard, knocking their precious bottle to the floor.

“No!”

“Justin?”

His eyes opened. Trace…the car…the triplets…they were gone. He was back in Karen’s house…he was safe.

“Justin?”

He looked up. Sheridan was standing over him, a worried look on her face. “Sheridan…”

She leaned down and placed her hands on his shoulders. “You scared me.”

“Oh,” he got out. “I’m fine now…I just…I…” he tried to explain. He couldn’t. The only way to explain, was to tell her the awful truth. The truth about Trace…the truth about that night…he couldn’t do it. Not yet at least.

“I…I thought you would like the cologne,” she whispered, trying to hold back her tears. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s not that,” he said. “It’s not you at all.”

She was silent for several moments. “Who do you see?”

He looked away from her. “It’s nothing. I just…I just got upset about something.”

“I’m not stupid, Justin,“ she grumbled. “You were talking to somebody. And if it wasn’t me, then who was it?” she asked him.

He couldn’t tell her about this. This was worse than having to tell her about his accident, which he still hadn’t mustered up the courage to do. If he told her about his random encounters with Trace, she would really think he was crazy. “It was nothing Sheridan!” he yelled. “Just let it go.”

“Oh.” She turned away from him. “Okay.”

This wasn’t how he wanted things to go. But the only way out of it, was to tell Sheridan about what he had been seeing…experiencing, since Trace had flat lined. “Just wait,” he huffed. “Sheridan…I want to tell you.”

She looked back at him. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t feel comfortable telling me.”

“But I should,” he whispered. “I should tell somebody. And well…that somebody might as well be you right?” He smiled a little, but when she didn’t do the same, he let it fade.

“If you feel comfortable doing this,” she began, stepping back inside the room and closing the door. “Then I’m here to listen.”

“You-you can’t tell Karen,” he said, nervously. “You can’t tell anybody.”

“I wouldn’t do that.” She shook her head. “Just talk to me Justin.”

“Sometimes…” he began. He looked away from her, and took a deep breath. “Sometimes I can see him.”

“Who…Trace?”

“Yes,” he managed.

“What are you crazy?” Trace was back again. He was angry this time. “Don’t tell her that.”

Justin ignored him. He didn’t want to seem crazy at the moment…not when he was sharing something so personal with Sheridan.

“Fine, don’t answer,” Trace muttered. “I’ll just leave…like you said.

Justin narrowed his eyes at him, and nodded.

“Prick,” he muttered, as he faded away.

“How often?” Sheridan said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Almost everyday,” he whispered. He looked down at his lap and began to fidget with his hands. “I mean…I’ve tried Sher…I’ve tried to make it stop.” He paused to wipe a stray tear off of his face. “But it won’t stop. I mean, he talks to me…he talks to me like he never even died.” He stared at her. She didn’t move, she barely blinked an eye. “I’m crazy, huh?”

“No,” she said. “I mean…I don’t think you are. It’s just…oh…what’s the name…right!” She snapped her fingers. “Suppressed memories.”

Justin laughed. “Is that a fancy term for mentally insane?”

“No, no,” she chuckled. “A suppressed memory, is a memory that you’ve pushed out of your mind, that is fighting to break through to you again. I did a paper on it two semesters ago.”

“That could be right,“ Justin shrugged. “But I just don‘t see how. It’s been happening since…that day he died. That night…I couldn’t sleep. I remember, I was crying. I was crying so bad. I think I might have fallen asleep for awhile, and then when I woke up again he was there,” he told her. “And he’s been around ever since. I didn’t want to believe it at first. I kept telling myself that it was my mind playing games with me. But now…now I’m just not so sure anymore.”

She seemed confused. “You’re not so sure? What do you mean?”

“I mean,” he began, drawing in a long breath. “That I think it might be his ghost.”

“No,” she said quickly. “Don’t go telling yourself that Justin.”

He shrugged. “Why not?”

“Because, you’ll only get hurt in the end,” she reasoned with him. “I know you miss him…you miss him so bad that you’d do anything to have him with you again. So in turn, your mind makes it seem like he’s there. It’s like a backup system…so you won’t totally shut down. I read about that…it happens to most people who go through a traumatic experience.”

“You don’t believe me,” he said.

“That’s not what I said.”

“I knew I should have just kept my mouth shut,” he muttered. “Dammit…I just…I thought I could talk to you. I thought you would understand, Sheridan.”

“I do understand,” she said, in a soothing tone. “I’m just telling you the facts.”

“Didn’t anything weird happen to you, after your father died?” he asked.

Sheridan shook her head. “No. And I’ll even admit…I used to sit in my room for hours, waiting for his ghost to come back and haunt me,” she chuckled. “But it never did.”

“So then…what’s going on with me?” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’m crazy…just say it.”

“It’s like I told you. They’re suppressed memories. The only way to get rid of them, is to let them run their course, and try your best to do things that can keep your mind stimulated, and off of Trace.”

He scoffed. “Like what?”

Sheridan smiled. “You can…ride a horse. You can’t help but be focused that way.”

His eyes widened. “Whoa girl. I ain’t getting on no horse.”

“You have to face your fear sometime,” she said.

He cocked his head to the side. “Fear?”

Her eyes widened a little, and Justin knew she probably hadn‘t meant to tell him what she knew in the first place. “Well…Marcy kinda told me you were afraid of them,” she mumbled. “She said you fell off of one once.”

Justin began to laugh. “Damn, she knows her stuff doesn’t she?” Sheridan seemed to be relieved. But he couldn’t blame her. A few weeks ago, he would never have been so light hearted about Marcy telling Sheridan that. Actually, he probably would have screamed at Marcy for it later on. He was glad he had learned to control himself. Now he was coming to understand that it was much easier to be laid back and talk about things with Sheridan, instead of keeping his feelings locked away inside of him.

“She does,” Sheridan nodded. “And I think you should try to ride again.”

He didn‘t understand. How could he get on a horse, if he couldn‘t walk…couldn‘t feel his legs? The idea was crazy. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to,” he said, matter-of-factly. “Come on Sheridan, you know that.”

“You can,” she told him. “This is a rehabilitation ranch remember?”

“What are you gonna do? Strap me to the damn thing?”

She winked at him. “Somethin’ like that.” She turned toward the doorway. “Come on.”

“Sheridan,” he said softly,

She looked back at him. “Come on Justin…just try this okay? I promise, I won‘t make you do anything that you feel you can‘t do.”

“It’s not that…” he said. “I just…I just wanted to make sure…” he trailed off. Didn’t she realize what he had told her? Didn’t she realize what a big step it was for him to admit that he both saw, and talked to his dead friend on a regular basis?

She laughed nervously. “Make sure of what?

“I just don’t want you to be weirded out by what I told you. If you are, please just tell me now…so I don’t have to find out later on.”

“I’m not weirded out Justin,” she reassured him. “I mean, sure it’s different…but it’s nothing you can’t overcome with a little help. I’m going to get this glass cleaned up, and then we can go outside, okay?”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything. He couldn’t help but feel awkward. He didn’t think he knew what Sheridan’s true feelings were towards his situation. She was being so…professional about it. She never acted that way with him. What was the reason for her sudden change of attitude? Maybe…she really did think he was crazy. Maybe she wanted to tell her mother about it. Suddenly, he wished he would have listened to Trace, and kept his mouth shut about all of this.

“Justin, look at me,” she whispered.

He did.

“There’s nothing for you to be worried about okay?” she said, as if she could read his mind. “I don’t think you’re crazy…and I’m not going to go run and tell Karen about this. This is our secret, okay?”

Immediately, he felt as if a great pressure had been lifted from his shoulders. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

*******************

She was worried about him.

“I…I can’t get on that thing.” Justin’s eyes were wide, and full of fear. The very thought of getting on the horse, seemed to be scaring the hell out of him.

“Justin, stop doubting yourself.” Sheridan rolled her eyes, and finished putting the saddle on Benny. “You can do anything you want to do.”

“Can not,” he pouted.

“How can you say that? You…a person that has done so much in his lifetime. What did Marcy tell me…you won two Grammys?”

He was silent for a moment. His brow was furrowed, and for a moment, he seemed deep in thought about something. “So what if I did?” he said finally. “That was before…all of this happened.”

“If you can win two Grammys, you can get on a horse,” Sheridan nodded.

He shook his head. “I…I don’t want to.”

“Justin!” she whined. “You said you would try.”

“That was before I realized what I was getting myself into,” he muttered. “I can’t do it…and I won’t do it.” He crossed his arms in front of him, and made a face at her.

“Oh lord, you’re such a baby. But I’m sure you have you’re reasons for being so damn stubborn. I’m not going to try and force you to do this, if you really don’t want to.”

“Good,” he snarled.

She didn’t say anything to him. She was annoyed. Annoyed, and worried. Annoyed because he was backing down from something that she knew he could do, and worried because…well…

Because it all made sense now. It made sense that he was talking to himself the day she met him…it made sense that he randomly shouted “Shut up,” and “Leave me alone”, when she hadn‘t even said anything to him. It made sense because he had just explained himself to her. She was proud of him for finding the strength to share something so personal with her. But at the same time, she was afraid for him. What if he simply refused to believe that Trace was nothing more than a memory, fighting to stay alive? What if he continued to convince himself that Trace was really a ghost?

The results would be devastating. Sheridan knew that if the wrong people found out…like her mother…his family…that they would drug him up quicker than he could tell Trace to fuck off. It wasn’t an option in this business. If you were talking to yourself, and acting out as Justin had with the bottle of cologne, there was no other choice. You were considered a danger to yourself and others.

Sheridan remembered a patient that had come to the ranch while her father had still been alive. She didn’t remember much about her. Only that she and her sister had been involved in bad horsing accident, and her sister had died because of it. Sheridan was too young at the time to realize exactly what her problem was. All she knew, was that sometimes she would catch her talking to somebody…except there was nobody there.

Then, one day something happened…the girl tried to throw herself down some steps. She would have succeeded too, if Sheridan’s father hadn’t been there to stop her. After that, Sheridan remembered…the girl would always be in her room…never participating in any of the group therapy activities that her parents conducted with the other patients. And when she was out of her room…she would always seem so out of it. Sheridan had always thought that the girl was sad. But she was too young to understand what was really wrong with her. Now though…she was old enough to see that it was medication that had made her so lifeless…so drained. And if for some reason Justin took a turn for the worse, she knew that the same thing could very well happen to him.

But hell would freeze over before she would let that happen.

“Sheridan.”

She looked over at him. He had a sorrowful look in his eyes, as if he were sorry for backing out on her. “Yes Justin.”

“I…look…I’ll try it okay. But only because it means so much to you.”

Sheridan felt herself smile. “Thank you,” she said.

“You’re gonna be a great doctor,” Justin decided. “You’re so damn persuasive. Like…Doctor Quinn.”

Sheridan laughed out loud. “That show is ridiculous.”

“Yeah. But when you’re stuck in a hotel room for hours on end…you’ll find anything entertaining,” he winked. “Come on, help me onto this…beast.”

“Benny isn’t a beast,” Sheridan pouted, giving the horse a light pat. “He’s a good boy.”

“Sure. He’ll be great, until something freaks him out and I end up breaking my neck.”

“Oh stop,” she rolled her eyes. “That’s not going to happen. Have a little faith in me, Justin.”

“How the hell are you getting me on this horse, Sher?”

“If you’ll give me a damn second,” she said, moving them onto the platform that rested beside them. “Then you’ll see.” She pressed a button, and like magic, they were boosted upwards. Now they were level with the saddle.

“Damn,” he said. “That’s pretty fucking cool.”

“Isn’t it though?”

“Hey guys!”

Sheridan whirled around just in time to see Marcy charging toward them. She laughed a little. She was a sight to see in her belly shirt and capris. “Only Marcy can pull off an outfit like that and still look good,” she giggled.

Justin waved at her. “I gotta give the girl props for being so confident. It’s kind of a turn on,” he winked. “If you know what I mean.”

“Justin!” Sheridan exclaimed.

He began to laugh. “Well it is!“

She wanted to frown at him for being so cocky, but found that it was impossible. She couldn’t be mad at him. She opened her mouth to continue her speech, but Marcy reached them before she could.

“Where’d. You. Go.” Marcy panted. “I got out of the shower, and you were gone.”

“Justin is gonna ride,” Sheridan informed her.

Marcy gasped. “Really Justin?”

“Really, really,” Justin sighed. “I’m just hoping I don’t get thrown off this time. You know that whole story Marcy,” he winked at her.

Marcy blushed, but didn’t say anything.

“Marcy, will you help me?” Sheridan spoke up, as she slipped the steering harness over Benny’s head. “I don’t think I can get him on there myself.”

“S-sure,” Marcy stuttered. “What should I do?”

“See those steps over there,” Sheridan said, pointing to a small staircase on the other side of the horse. “Go up those and stand on the other side of Benny so you can stabilize Justin when he gets on.” She watched Marcy run around to the other side, before focusing her gaze on Justin again. “You ready?”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

He was scared. She could tell. “If you really don’t want to do this…”

“I said I would,” he interrupted. “I’m not going to back down now.”

Sheridan sucked in a breath. “Alright.” She let him wrap his arms around her neck, and with a little bit of a struggle, she slid him onto the saddle. “Marcy get his leg strapped in!” she called out.

“Okay!”

“Whoa,” Justin said, after a moment. “This is…so weird.”

“You‘re okay right?” Sheridan asked him, as she finished securing his leg. “You’re not gonna flip out or anything are you?”

“No,” he said softly. “I…kinda like this. It’s a change from that damn chair,” he nodded. “How do you steer this thing?”

Sheridan let out a sigh of relief. At first she thought she had made the wrong choice. After all, she hadn’t asked her mother if she could do this…not that she would have cared anyway. Her mother trusted her around him, and knew she wouldn’t make any decisions that were out of her range. Now, seeing him on the horse…so cool and confident, she knew that she had made the right decision.

He wasn’t afraid anymore.

“It’s like driving a car,” she said, finally. Use that bar to turn him the way you want to go. You can pull the bar once to make him go or twice to make him stop. He’s trained for it.”

Justin followed her directions. Benny began to walk in the direction Justin commanded. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “Look at me…I’m riding a damn horse! Who woulda thought huh, Marcy?”

Marcy blushed and giggled like a schoolgirl.

Sheridan smiled. She thought she might cry. He was so happy now…when just moments ago he had been so distraught. It was because of her, and she knew that. Nobody else could have made him snap back from such a horrible mood so quickly.

Nobody else knew how.

“Yay Justin!” Marcy clapped. “You’re doing it!”

Justin smiled. “You think I could win the Kentucky Derby?”

“I think you can do anything you want to,” Sheridan said. “I’m proud of you.”

“I think we should have ice cream,” Marcy blurted out. “To celebrate.”

“Ooo,” Justin said, his eyes wide. “Yeah!”

“Marcy don’t encourage him,” Sheridan chuckled.

(The next day)

“Pizza!” Justin threw open the box top, and stuck his face in it. “Christ…pepperoni! This is the best weekend of my life! Karen, I love you!”

Karen laughed at him. “It’s only this once…don’t get used to it. I figured you deserved a treat after you got up on that horse yesterday. Eat up,” she smiled, giving him a pat on the back.

“It’s all for me?”

“Yes,” she giggled. “It’s all for you.”

Justin smiled like he was five years old again. He breathed in the scent, and drooled hungrily.

“You gonna eat it or are you gonna smell it?”

He tore his gaze from the food. Sheridan was there. She looked nice. She was dressed up, and her make up and hair were done in a way he had never seen before. She looked like…one of those girls that would come onto him in a club…or at a party. One of those girls who he would play mind games with all night long, and only leave behind at then end of the night because he had found somebody else.

But that was before. This was his life now, this was Sheridan standing before him…

And she was amazing.

“Eat it,” he said, tearing a slice out of the pie. He looked her up and down. “What’s the occasion?,” he smiled.

“Marcy is leaving tomorrow, so we’re going out,” she told him. “Can I have a piece?”

He looked back at his pizza. “One piece,” he decided. “Because you are my friend.”

“Aww,” she cooed, taking a piece for herself. “You’re sweet.”

“You’re eating now!” Marcy burst into the room. Her outfit was wild…splashed with glittering sequins and bright neon colors. “Sheridan, you can’t eat now! If you eat…I’m gonna want to eat and then my breath will smell rank for the club!”

Justin’s playful expression faded. The club. They were going to the club. Suddenly, the smell of the pizza was making him nauseated. “What club?”

“It’s in West Hollywood,” Marcy smiled, her eyes full of excitement. “It’s called Silver. I read about it in People Magazine.

Justin had been to Silver many times before. It was Trace’s favorite club. He remembered, every time they would go, the bartender would always have bottles upon bottles of Jack Daniels lined up, just waiting for them. Trace called it the “shot bar”, just because all they would do there was drink shots, and get wasted. Now that he thought about it…that was pretty much all anybody did there. “I’ve been there,” he blurted out. “It’s not so great. Hey…I know, why don’t you guys just stay here and hang out instead? We could watch a movie or play Scrabble.”

Marcy laughed out loud. “Scrabble?”

Sheridan shot Marcy a dirty look.

Marcy stopped laughing. “Sorry,“ she mumbled.

“What’s the matter, Justin?” Sheridan asked him.

He looked away from her. The past couple of days had been stressful enough. He had already flipped out over a bottle of cologne, and admitted to Sheridan that he was both seeing and talking to his dead friend on a regular basis. He wasn’t about to shell out the rest of the story right now. This was her night…with her friend. He used to have nights like this too…with his friend. He remembered how much fun he used to have. He was so carefree then…so blind to the realities of the world.

But then that night came. That fateful night that had taken Trace’s life, and so much more. He was scared. What if Sheridan drank too much? What if she looked away from the road…even for a split second? That was all it took, to get yourself injured beyond repair. But he couldn’t tell her any of that. It wouldn’t be right to spoil her fun. “It’s nothing…I’m fine.”

“Justin,” Karen spoke up. “Are you sure?”

Justin sighed. Now Karen was curious too. “I’m fine,” he repeated. He pushed himself away from the table. “I think I just need some air.”

“But the pizza!” Marcy called out.

He looked over his shoulder. “You eat it.” He rolled away. Then he felt it. That tugging on his handlebars. He was certain it was Sheridan, and didn’t bother to look behind him. “I said I’m fine Sheridan.”

“Justin…I know you, and I know you‘re not fine” Sheridan said. “I know you’re still upset about yesterday…and I know that my going out tonight, is bothering you.”

“It’s not bothering me,” he muttered.

“Then why are you running away from me?”

“Just be careful tonight.”

“I’m not going,” she said after a moment. “I’ll stay with you, Justin.”

He looked up at her. Her expression was full of regret. He knew she wanted to go. Hell, of course she did. Aside from the day they snuck out to Hollywood together…Sheridan really hadn’t been off of the grounds at all. And if she didn’t go out tonight, he knew she wouldn’t be going out anytime in the near future. “No, Sher,” he said. “I’m not going to spoil your fun.”

“I can have fun with you,” she said, managing a smile. “I’m at school with Marcy all year long…I think I can skip out on tonight.”

“You don’t mean that,” he smiled, shaking his head. “I know you don’t.”

“It’s just a club,” Sheridan rolled her eyes. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“Yeah, it’s just a club,“ he laughed. “Don’t give me that, Sheridan. They have a waiting list at that club…and I bet that you’ve been on it for about oh…six, seven months now. Tell me if I’m wrong.“

She wouldn’t look at him. “M-Marcy put our names in at the beginning of the year. I didn’t think we would actually get in.”

“Well ya did,” he said. “And you should go. It’s a really cool place. I mean, I guess when you’re in my situation you take that kind of thing for granted. But for people like you…who never get to go to those places…it’s a great experience. Shit, they have these revolving tables you can sit at and stuff. You need to go.“

She smiled. “You’re sure?”

No I take it back. Stay with me…don’t go out…don’t drink…don’t party. Don’t get yourself killed. “I’m sure,” he managed.

She pecked him on the cheek. “Thank you…so much Justin.”

He felt himself blush. “Anytime.”

“I’ll bring you something back. Like…I dunno…a coaster or something.”

“Thanks,” he chuckled, beginning to roll down the hallway. “That’ll be the shiz.”

“Bye,” he heard her say.

He turned back around. “Sheridan,” he called out to her.

She stopped in her tracks, and turned back to him. “Yeah?”

“Will you just…be home at like eleven?” he asked her. He felt stupid for asking her to be home at a certain time, but he simply couldn’t help himself. Having a time to go by, made him feel more secure inside. If she had a time limit…maybe she wouldn’t be so inspired to drink.

“Eleven?” she said.

He nodded. “I…I just…”

She held up her hand. “I know,” she interrupted him. “I’ll be here.”

“Okay,” he whispered. “Have fun.”

“I will,” she smiled. “Bye Justin.”

“Bye.” He watched her retreat down the hallway. Part of him was happy that she was going to go out, and have fine like a girl her age should. But the other part…the forever torn part of his soul was screaming at him…begging for him to chase her down and make her reconsider. She could die… It said. Then you really won’t have anything.

He put his hands on the wheels of his chair, and rolled forward a bit. “No,” he said out loud. “Don’t you bring your drama into her fun.”

“She ditched you huh?” Trace emerged from a random doorway.

“She’s goin’ out,” he informed him.

“Nah,” he chuckled, crossing his arms. “She ditched you.”

“Alright…so she did,” he sighed. “But I’m not going to let it bring me down…and you’re gonna behave yourself about it.” He rolled past him, and smiled a little. It was a step up from yesterday.

“Wanna play?”

He glanced back at Trace. He had a deck of cards, and was toying with it in his hands. “You’re crazy, you know that?”

“C’mon,” he persisted. “It’ll be fun.”

“I can’t…” he began. “I…I can’t play with you.”

“Sure you can,” he said, stepping toward him. He held out the deck of cards to him. “Five card stud. Aces and Jokers are wild. You shuffle.”

It was so real. So amazingly real, that he couldn’t help himself. He reached out…

He took the cards. He gasped. They were so cold, but they were real. He didn‘t know what to think. “What the--”

“Let’s go in there,” Trace interrupted, pointing to the room he had walked out of moments before. “There’s a little table.” He walked back into the room.

Justin trembled a little. For the first time, the possibility that Trace was haunting him, scared him. But then he thought about it, and ended up laughing at himself. Why was he scared? This was Trace…his best friend…his brother. It wasn’t like he was some evil entity that was out to get him. Justin felt stupid for taking Trace’s presence for granted all this time. He knew now, that he could talk to him…laugh with him…just like before. He thought that maybe…if he let himself believe in Trace’s spirit, that he would have an easier time getting over his death. Suddenly, what Trace was or wasn’t didn’t seem to matter anymore. Trace was simply there, and for the moment…it was good enough for Justin.

He smiled, and dropped the cards onto his lap. “Wait up Trace.” He wheeled himself into the room, expecting Trace to be sitting at the table, his feet resting on top of it.

But he was gone.

And so were the cards.

*****************

“Omigod.”

Sheridan was thankful that Justin insisted she go out tonight. This club was fantastic. The tables really did revolve, and the walls had silver beams of light running through them. It was a chic place…full of beautiful people, and great music. She could definitely see Justin out on the dance floor…five women clawing at him for attention. He would have fit right in. She glanced at her watch. It was ten thirty. Justin asked her to be home at eleven. She rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to leave yet…she wanted to stay, have fun.

She could take an extra half hour. She wouldn’t be that late…she would be home at twelve. Justin would understand. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how easy it was to lose track of time at a place like this. This had been his lifestyle, until recently.

“Omigod,” Marcy repeated.

“What?” Sheridan chuckled, looking over at her. Her eyes were wide, and Sheridan knew that it could only mean one thing. “Who is it?”

“I think…I think that’s Lance Bass,” she whispered, pointing out to a spot on the dance floor. “Omigod…”

“You said that,” Sheridan smiled. “Why don’t you go introduce yourself?”

Marcy looked at her like she was crazy. “Yeah right!”

“Why not?” Sheridan shrugged. “Go tell him you’re a friend of Justin’s.”

“Sheridan,” Marcy gasped. “I couldn’t.”

“It’s the truth,” she nodded, giving her friend a little shove. “Go on.”

“No!”

“Oh god…fine,” Sheridan said, getting up from the comfortable planet chair she had been sitting in. “I’ll go.”

“You can’t!” she screamed. “You can’t just…walk up to Lance freakin’ Bass!”

Sheridan winked at her. “Watch and learn.”

“Omigod…”

Sheridan couldn’t help but laugh, as she made her way toward the dance floor. She thought that Marcy’s experiences with Justin would have made her immune to being star struck at the sight of people like him by now. She was wrong though…Marcy would always be this way. It was just how she was. She thought she could see the man that Marcy had pointed out, a moment later. But she wasn’t certain. After all…she wasn’t really sure what this Lance guy looked like, aside from the pictures that Marcy had of him. She pushed her way forward…

Then she felt a hand grab onto her upper arm. “Hey,” a deep southern voice said.

She whirled around. Some guy was standing before her, a smug, proud smile on his face. Sheridan was disgusted, and immediately pulled away from him. “Don’t touch me.”

“A fiesty one eh?” he snickered. “The name is Juan,” he stuck out his hand. “Let’s dance.”

She didn’t return his handshake. She gave him the once over. He was short, fair skinned, had a lot of tattoos on his arms, and was badly in need of a shave and a haircut. The backwards baseball cap he had pulled over his long mess of hair, was a turn off in her opinion. It made him look scruffier than he already was. And to top things off he smelled like that damn cologne she had bought for Justin…that Abercrombie stuff. She didn’t want to remember the fit Justin had thrown yesterday over the gift…but Juan had practically drenched himself in the cologne…there was no way around it.

Sheridan cringed at the memory. “Get lost.” She rolled her eyes.

“Aw, come on now,” he drawled. “Where’s your sense of hospitality? Can‘t a guy ask a girl to dance anymore?”

She laughed at him. “Not this girl, hick boy.”

“I…” he began, pointing at himself proudly. “Am not a hick. I…am genuine Tennessee trash.” He lifted up his sleeve and pointed at one of his many tattoos.

Sheridan leaned forward and studied his arm more closely. Inscribed there in a classy script, were the words Tennessee River Trash. She wanted to walk away from him just then, but found that she couldn’t. Something was making her stay. But she’d be damned if she could figure out what it was. “Is that supposed to impress me, hick boy?,” she asked him, smiling a little bit.

Juan shrugged, and smiled mischievously. “It’s always worked in the past.” He held out his hand to her. “Come on, one song…then I’ll stop bothering you, okay?”

“I…I have a boyfriend,” she said pathetically. One look into his eyes told her that he wasn’t buying it though. She frowned. He wasn’t a stupid guy. She could already tell.

“Well…maybe you do. But if that‘s the case he couldn‘t be that special if he‘s not with you right now,” he smiled. He didn’t hesitate to grab her hand this time. “Come on girl, stop bein’ shy and dance with me.”

Sheridan didn’t pull away from him this time. Soon, she found herself out on the dance floor, in the middle of the massive crowd of partiers.

“There’s not a whole lotta room,” Juan yelled over the music. “C’mere.” He pulled her close to him, and smiled. “That’s better.”

Sheridan caught herself in a wide smile, and quickly let it fade. She was surprised at herself for letting him con her into dancing with him. He was far from the type of guy she found attractive. Juan’s cocky attitude, and scruffy appearance normally would have caused her to run and hide. But something…that thing she hadn’t been able to figure out about him moments before, was still nagging at her. Something, she realized, was different about this young man. She decided Juan was cute. Not a Justin of course…but he was still cute. He had that boyish aura about him…one of those faces and personalities that you could fall in love with if given the chance.

A new song began to play. It wasn’t slow…but it wasn’t fast either. It was a mellow song…practically a ballad in a high paced club like this. The dance floor cleared a little, and Sheridan was thankful. She pulled back from Juan slightly. It wasn’t so stuffy now, and she began to relax.

“You never told me your name,” he said to her.

“It’s Sheridan.“ She felt his hands relocate themselves around her waist. She knew where they were headed, and she didn’t know if she liked it or not. “Is Juan your real name?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “My father is Mexican-American…his name is Juan too. Is Sheridan your real name?” he chuckled.

She blushed. “Yes.”

He flashed her a playful smile. “Your father’s name right?”

She threw her head back and laughed out loud, barely acknowledging that his hands had traveled downwards, and were now resting on her rear. Well…she did notice…but she didn’t care. “No!”

“My mistake,” he winked. “So Sheridan, you live around here?”

“Yeah…” She looked back at the table she and Marcy had been occupying. But, Marcy wasn’t there anymore. Her eyes scanned the club quickly, before spotting her at the bar…talking to some random guy. She had to smile. At least Marcy hadn’t been left behind while she danced with Juan the Hick Boy. “My mom and I live about an hour from here…but I’m actually home for summer break at the moment. I live in New York most of the year.”

“Oh,” he nodded. “I see…so you go to school then?”

“I do.”

“Whereabouts?”

“NYU,” she told him.

His eyes widened a little. “NYU…wow…that’s supposed to be a really good school.”

“It is,” she gloated. Getting into such a prestigious school was one of the only things in her life Sheridan felt proud of, and when people made a big deal about it…like Juan was…she couldn’t help but get a big head about it. “I’m majoring in medicine. My mom is a doctor, so it kind of runs in the family.”

“I have to commend you,” he told her. “I didn’t even graduate high school.”

“You dropped out?” she asked him.

“Yeah,” he said, sighing a little. “My buddy needed my help with a few things, so I kinda put school on hold.”

Sheridan was confused “You put your future on hold for a friend?”

He looked at her. His eyes were intense, as if he were completely surprised that she had dared to question him about it. “He‘s my best friend.”

“Nobody is worth throwing away your education for,” Sheridan giggled. “Not even somebody that close to you.”

Juan shrugged. “If you understood the situation, you would understand why I did it.”

Sheridan was confused as to why he was being so serious about all of this. It seemed to mean a great deal to him…that he had done what he did. She didn’t want to spoil the night, or upset this guy she had only just met, so she decided to just leave the subject alone. “Listen…let’s just, change the subject. I don’t know you well enough to question you about all of this anyway.”

He nodded, his playful smile reappearing automatically. “Sure. It’s cool.”

A new song started to play. It was upbeat this time. Sheridan smiled. This time she wasn’t hesitant to dance with him. “C’mon Juan,” she giggled. “Thrill me.”

He smiled, and pulled her close to him again. “You’re a down girl. Can I call you sometime?”

She almost said yes. But then…she thought about Justin, sitting at home, trying to amuse himself. He liked her…he was waiting around for her. And Sheridan knew she had feelings for him. But Juan…he was one of the only guys she had ever come across that was different than the pasty, dull guys she dated back in New York. She was curious about him now…she wanted to get to know him a little more. But Justin…she was sure he meant more to her right now than Juan ever could. “Call me?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “You know…on the telephone.”

“I…” she began. “Look, I would say yes…but I’m just caught up in some things right now.” She searched his eyes for a response. He didn’t seem disappointed, and she was thankful.

“Hell, I know that feelin’,” he nodded. “Look…how about I just give you my number, and you call me when you get your business taken care of. I live in LA, but I go out of town a lot…so I’ll just give you my cell phone number. Maybe you can even call me when you go back to school, if everything’s cool with you by then. I get out to New York a lot, so we could hit up the clubs out there some night. It doesn‘t have to be all romantic and shit though. We could just chill ya know?”

Sheridan smiled. “I think I’d like that.”

“Good,“ he smiled. He gave her butt a firm squeeze, and she didn’t protest. “Now lets cut the crap and really dance.”

They danced through at least a dozen songs. Some fast, some mellow…it didn’t matter. Sheridan was having fun, listening to him crack jokes…feeling his hands on her body. She felt alive…for the first time in a long time. Juan was so fun…so carefree. He reminded her of Justin, only he was at a higher level. Then it hit her…

That was why she liked him so much. This guy was acting exactly like Justin would have, if he were normal…if he weren’t confined to that wheelchair.

Justin was the one she really wanted. Justin…

Justin was waiting for her right now. She had promised him she would be home…she was beyond being late. She gasped, and looked at Juan. He was smiling. He seemed to know something was on her mind…and he seemed to be enjoying it too. It was scaring her.

“It’s getting late, don’t you think?” Juan whispered in her ear.

“What time is it?”

Juan’s smile didn’t fade as he glanced at the cell phone clipped to his jeans. “It’s almost one thirty. “

“Oh shit!” she whimpered, pulling away from him.

“Here.” Juan dug into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “Just take my number before you lose your mind, okay?”

“I…I have to get home,” she said, taking the paper from him.

“I know,” he nodded, seeming to know exactly what her problem was.

“I’ve been looking all over for you!”

Sheridan turned around. Marcy was standing there. “We gotta go,” she told her.

Marcy didn‘t hear her. “Omigod…so it wasn’t Lance after all. But I met the guy and he was so hot and we so made out in the corner!,” she squealed. “Sheridan…this has been the best night!”

“We really have to go,” Sheridan persisted. “I told Justin we would be home at eleven.”

“Oh come on,” Marcy rolled her eyes. “He’ll be okay.”

“No!” she exclaimed. “I know him Marcy. He’s probably worried.”

“Fine, fine.” Marcy huffed. “Lets go then.”

“Let me just say bye,” Sheridan told her.

Marcy shot her a confused look. “Bye?”

She pointed over her shoulder. “This is Juan.”

“Umm…Sher,” Marcy said, laughing a little. “Who are you pointing at?”

“Stop being a shit,” Sheridan grumbled. “I know you must have seen me dancing with him.” She turned around to acknowledge him once more. He was gone. “Oh…I guess he must have left.”

“Sheridan,” Marcy said, coming closer to her. “How much have you had to drink tonight?”

“What are you talking about?” she said, scanning the crowd for Juan. “I haven’t been drinking.”

“I mean…I saw you dancing and all,” Marcy giggled, looping her arm through Sheridan’s. “But you weren’t dancing with anybody.”

“Nice try,” Sheridan smiled. “But I’m not falling for one of your practical jokes this evening. He gave me his number.” She handed the slip of paper to Marcy. “See?”

Marcy studied the slip of paper for a moment. “I guess he did,” she admitted. “Hell, maybe I’m in such a daze right now I missed him. Was he cute?”

“Yeah,” Sheridan nodded. “In a kinda weird…scruffy way.”

“Scruffy,” Marcy giggled. “Okay…now I really think you’ve been drinking. It‘s probably better if we leave. I don‘t want you to get any more alcohol in your system…you‘ll probably end up getting on a table and stripping for everyone in here.”

Sheridan didn’t laugh. The only thing on her mind at the moment, was Justin. She knew how upset he could get over simplest things going wrong. She knew by this time he was probably worried about her. He was probably thinking that something awful had happened to her. He was so fragile…Sheridan knew he was going to be a wreck by the time she and Marcy walked through the door.

And just like everything else in her life…it was entirely her fault.

****************

Justin flipped through the channels on the television frantically, searching for any news on a car accident…a club that had caught on fire…anything. Where was she? Where the hell was Sheridan? She said…no…she had promised him she would be home by eleven. But she wasn’t home, and she hadn’t called. A million twisted voices ran through his mind. They were whispering to him…telling him all different kinds of sick things. She’s dead someplace…she’s been raped and murdered…that friend of hers has gotten her into a load of trouble…

She drank too much…There’s been an accident…

“The accident took place…”

Justin flipped back one channel. “Oh Christ,” he gasped. It was an accident…a bad one. There was an overturned tractor trailer behind the news anchor. There were ambulances…squad cars…the works. He turned the volume up, listening for names of victims, or anything else that might have told him whether Sheridan was involved. “Get to the point, dammit!” he yelled, when the news anchor failed to tell him what he wanted to know.

“Are you still up, Justin?”

He jumped a little. Karen was standing in the room now. He hadn’t even heard her come in. The last he knew…she had gone to bed. “I…yes.”

Karen smiled, and walked over to the couch he was laid out on. She reverted her gaze to the television. “Why in the world are you watching this?” she chuckled, taking the remote from him. She flicked the television off. “It’s late.”

He didn’t meet her gaze. “Sheridan isn’t home yet,” he whispered.

“Oh Justin,” Karen sighed. “She’s just fine. She was probably having so much fun, she simply lost track of time. I‘m sure she‘ll be home within the hour,” she reassured him. “Come on…I’ll help you into bed.”

“No!” he yelled. “I won’t. I’m waiting for her. She…she said she’d be home by eleven. I-I can’t sleep until she’s home, and I know she’s okay.”

“Justin,” Karen said in a worried tone. “Please don‘t put yourself through this right now.” She reached out and tried to take his hand.

He didn’t let her get another word out. He swatted her hand away, and wrapped his arms around himself protectively. “No Karen!”

Karen raised her hands up in the air and backed away from him. “Okay, Justin. If you want to stay up…that’s your choice. Just please…calm down.”

He didn’t respond, and sunk lower into the sofa. A moment later, he heard Karen retreat from the living room. He let out a long sigh, and ran his hand through his hair.

“Come on.”

Justin looked around. He was sure he had heard Trace’s voice, but he was no where to be seen. Not that it was anything new to him. Trace had done this before. “Where are you?”

“I’m up here.”

Justin looked up at the ceiling. “Up where?”

“Close your eyes and I’ll show you.”

He almost did, but then thought twice about it. He wasn’t about to be fooled again…like he had been earlier with the cards. “No,” he pouted. “I’m not playing your little game right now, Trace. I got too much on my mind”

“Look,” he laughed. “I’m sorry about before okay?”

“That was a shitty thing to do to me, you know that?” Justin grumbled. “There I was…all set to kick it with you, and you just disappeared on me. What kind of a friend does that?”

“I just…I forgot about something I had to do,” Trace explained. “Just close your eyes, and I’ll make it up to you…I swear.”

“Since when do dead people have agendas?” he asked.

“Ah, see there it is,” Trace grunted. “I’m dead…and its still all about you.”

“Aw ya know…fuck this,” he said. “I don’t need the third degree from you.”

Trace appeared before him, cigarette in hand. “What good is it gonna do you to be negative right now?” He took a drag, and blew the smoke out of his nose. “I’m here…and you know, I told you I was sorry about before. Come on man, you never held a grudge against me any other time…”

He cut him off. “You weren’t dead before,” he seethed. Then he felt it…tears rolling down his face. He was crying. “Damn,” he whispered, holding back a sob. “See what you’re making me do? You‘re making me a mess all over again.”

“You’re gonna be a mess regardless if I leave you alone or not,” Trace decided. “So I’ll just hang around. Hell, I got nothing better to do. Hey,” he mused. “It’s almost like before…when I was really around. I hung around with you…because I was convinced that I couldn’t do anything better with my life.”

“Shut the hell up!” he yelled. “That’s not what it was about…you know that! You know it wasn’t just about me…it was about us…we were a team! You and me til the end,” he sobbed. “That’s what we said.”

“But it is the end Justin,” Trace said softly. “I know that, our friends know that Our families know that. Hell, ‘lisha knows that too. You’re the one who just can’t seem to let go.”

“How can I?” he cried. “Look at what happened. It’s my damn fault!”

“Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself?” Trace took another drag from his cigarette. “It’s getting old, and I’m tired of hearing about it. So is everybody else.”

“Then don’t!” he screamed. “Don’t fucking hear it! I-I don’t want you around anyway. You drive me crazy…that’s all you’re fuckin’ good for.” He paused for a moment. He heart was racing…he was sweating. “That’s…that’s all you’ve ever been good for! Fuckin’ freeloading piece of shit!”

The door flew open.

“Lord! That was the best!” Marcy darted through the doorway, a huge grin on her face. “Hi Justin! We didn‘t think you‘d be up!”

“And it’s fat ass by a nose!” Trace smiled, obviously not phased by Justin’s harsh comments toward him. He took another drag from his cigarette, and threw it on the floor. He stepped on it, and it disappeared into the carpet, as if it had never been there in the first place.

“Get out!” Justin screamed at him. “Just get the hell out of here!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Trace rolled his eyes. “I’ll see ya soon.”

He vanished.

“I…I’m sorry,” Marcy whispered, the light in her eyes disappearing.

He barely heard her. “I hate you!” he screamed. “Never come back…never!”

Marcy began to sob, and quickly fled the room.

He didn’t care what she thought of him right now. He knew who he had been talking to…and it was all that mattered at the moment. He didn’t need her stupid fanatical self grinning and squealing over him right now anyway. He just wanted to forget everything…Trace…the accident…his disability. He closed his eyes, hoping it would help.

It didn’t. Trace’s face was there, smiling at him. “See?,” he smiled. “Told you I’d be back.”

“No!” he yelled. He opened his eyes. Sheridan was standing over him now. She was okay. The voices had been wrong. But at the same time he was angry with her. He was angry at her for making him worry. She knew what went on inside his head…she knew how even the simplest things could tear him apart. Why had she chosen to stay out late? Why had she neglected his request? He was only trying to protect her. “Where were you!” he yelled. “You said…you said you would come home!”

“Justin,” she said, with a shaky voice. “I’m right here okay?” she grabbed onto his hand. “We lost track of time. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you know what can happen to you!” he yelled. “You can crash, and die…or end up like this!” he pointed to his legs. “What were you thinking about?”

“Justin…shh,” She sat down on the sofa and pulled his head into her chest. “Shh.”

“No,” he sobbed. He pushed her away roughly, and Sheridan fell backwards onto the floor. She stared back at him, an expression of both confusion and shock on her face. He didn’t care. He just didn’t care. He was in too much pain to care. “I don’t want you to die,” he said softly, after a moment. “Please don’t die Sheridan. Please don’t leave me like…like he did.”

“What’s happening!” Karen raced into the room. She glanced at Sheridan, and then to him. “Justin? Are you okay?”

Sheridan slowly got off of the floor. “Justin,” she said, her bottom lip quivering. “It’s okay.” She sat down on the couch again. “I’m not going to die. I‘m not going anywhere. I‘m staying here with you.”

“Please don’t die Sheridan,” he repeated. Finally, he allowed her to pull him close to her. She began to rock him back and forth, while soothingly running her hand up and down his back. “I don’t want you to be like him…I don’t want that.”

“He needs to be put to bed,” Karen spoke up after a minute.

“Just leave him, mom,” Sheridan whispered, not letting go of him. “It’s my fault. I’ll do it.”

“This is out of your hands,” Karen told her. “Get up, Sheridan.”

Justin felt her begin to pull away from him. She was leaving him. She said she wouldn’t leave him. “No!” he cried. “Don’t leave me! Don‘t!”

“I can’t do this, mom!” Sheridan exclaimed. “He’s already upset enough.”

“Well then help me get him up…”

He looked up into Sheridan’s eyes. She stared back at him. She wasn’t going to leave. He tightened his embrace around her.

“Justin.” He heard Sheridan say. “We have to go to your room now, grumpy bear.”

He smiled like a child would. “Okay Sheridan.” He hugged her lovingly. “Then after…can we have ice cream?”

“Sure,” she replied. “But first you have to get in bed.”

He barely noticed the transition from the couch to the wheelchair. He was too busy keeping his gaze focused only on Sheridan, afraid that if he looked away even for a moment, she would be gone. Just like Trace.

“Give him this,” he heard Karen say. “Then make sure he goes right to sleep.”

“Yes,” Sheridan replied, taking something in her hand. “I will.”

In a matter of moments, he was back in the confines of his room. He watched Sheridan push the door closed. They were safe now. Safe from all the dangers of the outside world.

“Are you alright?” she asked him, her voice full of worry. She crouched down in front of him, and handed him a small pill. “Jesus Justin…I’m so worried about you.”

He smiled. “What’s this? Candy? You’re sweet.”

She grasped his hand. She seemed so scared. Justin didn’t understand. “Yes,” she told him. “Karen said we were out of ice cream. So I got you this.”

“Yay!”

“But you don’t chew it,” she told him. “You just swallow it.”

He was confused. “What kinda candy is that?”

She smiled. “A special kind.”

He shrugged, and popped the thing into his mouth. He swallowed it. “That wasn’t good,” he frowned.

“No?”

He shook his head.

“Well…I’ll just have to get you something better tomorrow,” she nodded. She wheeled him over to his bed. “Come on, it’s late anyway.”

A moment later, he was in bed. He looked around for Sheridan. He finally found her, over by his bedpost, fumbling with his catheter. But she was so fuzzy…so blurred. Actually, the whole room was that way. The situation was familiar. The hospital…he had been this way in the hospital. But why did he feel like this now? “Sheridan,” he whined, reaching out for her. “What’s wrong with me? I-it‘s hard to see.”

She grabbed onto his hand. “You’re okay,” she told him. “Just relax. I’m right here with you.”

He felt her next to him. She was in the bed. He let out a sigh of relief, as he felt her hand running through his hair…down his face. “I’m sorry, Sher,” he whispered. He felt his eyes begin to droop.

“Don’t be.” He felt her lips on his forehead. “It’s not your fault.”

He smiled a little. “Sheridan,“ he managed to say. “I’m so tired.”

“Shh…it’s late. Just relax now, Justin.“ He felt her fingers slip through his. “Just relax.”

It was the last thing he heard before he drifted off to sleep.

Don’t you know what can happen to you….

Sheridan gasped and opened her eyes. At first, she had no idea where she was. This wasn’t her room. But then she heard what sounded like a long sigh being let out, and looked to see what caused it. Justin was sleeping at her side, his arms wrapped around her. Now she remembered. Last night…him crying…her having to give him that damn pill. She fell asleep here. It probably wasn’t the greatest thing she could have done, and she knew her mother wouldn’t approve if she found out. But she knew she couldn’t have left him last night. She knew he wouldn’t have taken it well at the time. And she was afraid of what he might have done if he woke up this morning alone.

She kissed his forehead. “Justin,” she whispered.

He didn’t reply. Sheridan knew it was because of the pill. He had taken it at two, and it was only eight now…he had at least another four hours to go before he would wake up again. But she couldn’t lay here all day. Sheridan was sure her mother would want her to feed the horses this morning…because Justin was in no condition to do any of that. Marcy had to be at the airport by noon as well. She had to get up…there was no other choice. She carefully pulled away from him, making sure not to jostle him or slide him over too much.

He never fluttered an eyelid. Sheridan felt terrible. The last thing she wanted to do was drug him last night, but her mother hadn’t given her much of a choice. In all honesty, she knew it was the best thing for him…but that didn’t mean she liked it. She felt like she had betrayed him in a way, because he trusted her so much. With a sigh, she rose from the bed. “I’ll be back later, grumpy bear,” she whispered. She silently opened the door, and closed it behind her.

“Sheridan.”

Her mother was standing before her, her arms crossed…her expression grim. She knew where she had slept last night, and as Sheridan expected…she wasn’t happy about it at all. “Hi mom,” she said after a moment.

“He’s still sleeping?” Karen asked.

Sheridan nodded in response.

“I’m disappointed in you Sheridan,” Karen continued. “Justin is a patient.. You shouldn’t have slept in his room last night. You’re supposed to be smarter than that.”

“I-I know that,” she sighed. “I just wanted to make sure he got to sleep okay…and I just…I fell asleep.” She met her mother’s gaze. “It won’t happen again.”

“I knew I should have put a stop to this from the beginning,” Karen sighed. “Justin is becoming too attached to you Sheridan. Last night proved that. Now, I have to call his mother and tell her about last night.” She shook her head sadly. “I don’t even want to think about her reaction to all of this.”

“I’m all he has mom!” Sheridan protested. “Why is it that nobody can understand that?”

Karen gritted her teeth. “You’re not all that boy has. Do you know where he comes from…do you know the kind of life he leads, Sheridan? Do you?”

“He’s not that person anymore mom,” Sheridan whispered. “You just…you don’t know.”

“Don’t tell me what I don’t know!” Karen snapped. “I know his story…and I know the kind of world he comes from. Yes, it’s a good thing he’s been able to step back from all of that for awhile. But what in the world do you think will happen once he gets back on his feet?”

She wouldn’t look at her, and simply shrugged.

“He’ll break your heart, Sheridan,” Karen whispered, cupping Sheridan’s face in her palm. “He’s not going to change his life to stay with you.”

“I…I’m not expecting him to,” she lied. She stepped away from her mother. “He’s just my friend.”

“Sheridan,” Karen whispered. “I don’t believe you.”

She started away from her. “I’m going to feed the horses,” she muttered.

“They’ve been fed.”

Sheridan whirled around.

“What if…” Karen began. “What if I buy you that apartment you’ve been asking for, honey?”

Sheridan’s eyes widened. There was a fantastic Manhattan apartment a few blocks from her dorm, that she had been begging her mother to consider for the past four years. Up until now, her mother had refused. It was expensive of course, but it was nothing that her mother’s salary couldn’t handle. Sheridan knew her mother had her own reasons for not giving in. She was a firm believer that if you wanted something, you earned it. But right now, she was ready to forget all of that. Sheridan knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and knew she would be crazy not to accept.

But at this moment, she didn’t care about the apartment.. The only thing she wanted, was to be with Justin…every day until he recovered from his accident. She knew her mother wouldn’t be able to understand. Justin didn’t talk to her mother, like he talked to her. He didn’t tell her things…or bring out his humorous, carefree side around her mother. And he certainly didn’t worry about her mother like he worried about her. “No,” she said finally. “You can’t just buy me off, mom.”

“I’m not trying to buy you off,” Karen whispered. “I just thought it might be better if you got on with your life now, instead of waiting until September. You need to think about that too, Sheridan. What’s going to happen when you leave for school?”

She hadn’t really thought about that at all. She hadn’t had the chance. She was having so much fun getting to know Justin, and helping him to get better that the thought hadn’t crossed her mind. “I’ll handle it when the time comes.”

Karen frowned. “You’re being unreasonable.”

“I’m not going to leave him now mom,” Sheridan nodded. “I can’t.”

“Give me one reason why not.” Karen placed her hands on her hips.

There were a million reasons why. Sheridan knew that, but at the same time she knew she couldn’t tell her most of them. “Because he needs me,” she told her. “That’s all that matters.”

“I can handle the things he feels he needs you for,” Karen said. “Unless there’s something that you’re not telling me.”

Sheridan swallowed hard. “No.”

Karen raised an eyebrow. “You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“Because if there is something that you’re keeping from me, Sheridan,” she began. “The consequences will be severe.”

“I’m not lying to you,” Sheridan said, sternly. “I would tell you if there was something going on with him.” Oh God. She hated lying to her mother. After her father died, they hadn’t been on good speaking terms for a couple of years. She lied to her mother a lot then….about where she went…who she hung out with. But when they reconciled, she swore that she wouldn’t tell another lie to her mother ever again. But now she felt she had to. She’d given Justin her word, that she wouldn’t say anything about what he told her. She couldn’t break a promise to him…he couldn’t handle it.

“Alright,” Karen said after a moment. “I believe you.”

She forced a smile. “I’m sorry I slept in there, mommy.”

“Do you want this internship to be positive or negative?” Karen asked her.

“Positive,” Sheridan whispered.

“Then all of this personal involvement with him needs to stop. I’m not saying you can’t be a friend to him, Sheridan. I’m glad he trusts you enough to be friends with you. But that’s all you can be to him Sheridan…his friend. I need you to understand that, or else I don’t think I’ll be able to let you help rehabilitate him any further.”

Sheridan nodded slightly. “I understand.”

“Good. Now, go on…go get Marcy up. You don’t want her to miss her flight,” she said quickly. Without so much as a smile, she turned on her heel and quickly walked back down the hallway.

“Liar.”

Sheridan gasped, and looked around. There was that voice…that same voice she heard that night in the car. “Who’s there?” she whispered. “Justin?” She opened his door again. He was still sound asleep. She frowned, and shrugged; thinking her imagination had gotten the best of her again.

Liar… The voice was a whisper, almost a hiss, warm and seductive in her ear.

She yanked the door closed. “Stop it!” She listened, but she was alone now…she knew it. She ran a shaky hand through her hair. What was going on? Now she felt as confused as she knew Justin was, when Trace came around. This was the second time this had happened. Why was it happening? Stress. It must have been stress. It was the only explanation she could come up with. It scared her that she didn’t have a solid answer.

Maybe she was the one who needed to be drugged.

****************

His head hurt. He didn’t like it. Justin sat up a little, and glanced out the window. The sun was shining in on him. It was beautiful outside. This was a day for the beach. He smiled. He used to go to the beach a lot. He and Trace would pack their surfboards in the back of his Jeep, and then the girls would pile into the back seat. Then they would go, and try to enjoy the day. Of course, the paparazzi would be there…and half the day would be spent trying to find a spot on the beach where they could avoid them. But then there were the moments where they actually got to enjoy themselves…those were the best moments.

Justin shook his head, and let the memory fade. He didn’t want to think about Trace right now. He had done too much of that yesterday, and in the end he had broken down because of it. Hell, because of everything. Sheridan, Marcy, Karen…they had all seemed to blend together at the moment he was most vulnerable. He had completely lost it.

Now here he was, sitting in bed…still half groggy from whatever sort of drug Sheridan slipped him the night before. He was annoyed that she tricked him, but at the same time he knew it was for the best. There was no way he would have gotten to sleep without that pill…and if he had known it was a pill there was no way he would have taken it. Sheridan was too smart for her own good sometimes.

Sheridan. Where was she right now? He was sure she had slept beside him. Why did she leave? Curious now, he pulled the emergency cord behind him. Moments later he heard the sound of rushed footsteps outside his door. He smiled, thinking it was Sheridan, but frowned when the door opened and Karen was standing there instead.

“That’s for emergencies, Justin,” she grumbled, flipping the switch to make the buzzing stop. “Is there something you need?”

“Where’s Sheridan?” he mumbled, hoarsely.

Karen sighed, and walked over to his bedside. “She went to the airport. Marcy is going home.”

“Oh.” Marcy. He remembered screaming at Trace to never come back, but Marcy had thought that his comments were directed at her. At the time he hadn’t cared…but right now he felt awful about it. Marcy had been nothing but sweet and supportive from the moment she arrived. Now she was going to go back to New York, her faith in him lost. “I yelled at Marcy,” he confessed.

“I had a talk with her before she left. You don’t need to worry, Justin. She didn’t take anything you said personally,” Karen sighed, and sat down on the bed. “How do you feel?”

He shrugged. “Tired, I guess.”

“Too tired to have a talk?”

He shook his head.

“We need to talk about this Sheridan thing,” Karen decided.

He was slightly confused. Sheridan thing? What did Karen mean? “Huh?”

“I need to know how you feel about her.”

Now he wasn’t so confused anymore. Karen seemed to know that something was going on between himself and her daughter. She didn’t like it either. His eyes widened a little. Had Sheridan told her about the kissing? How they snuck out to LA that day? No. She couldn’t have. He knew Karen wouldn’t be this mellow if she had. “Feel?” he whispered. “I…I guess I care about her. I mean, she’s one of my best friends now, you know?”

She smiled a little. “I know that, and I’m happy for you Justin. I’m happy that there is somebody up here you can relate to like this.”

He smiled.

“But it worries me at the same time.”

He frowned. “Oh.”

“You need to focus on yourself…you know that don’t you?”

He nodded. “There’s nothing goin’ on between us,” he lied.

Karen nodded, but didn‘t seem convinced. “Do you wish there was?”

“What kinda question is that?” he scoffed. This was ridiculous. After the night he had, why was she sitting here, hassling him about Sheridan like some 20/20 interviewer?

“I just need to know,” Karen said. “It’s vital to your therapy. I can’t have Sheridan around if she’s going to be a distraction to you.

He grit his teeth. “What is it with you? Why do you want to take everything away from me?”

“That’s not it at all. I want you to have what makes you happy. But Justin, there’s a fine line between being happy in a friendship…and being in love with somebody.”

He looked away from her. He knew if he met her gaze, he would give away his true feelings. “I’m not in love with Sheridan,” he muttered. “And you’re stupid to think that I am. I don’t…I don’t have the time to think about that stuff now. I just need to get myself fixed, so I can get back to what’s most important…my career and my family.”

“That’s the truth Justin?” Karen asked, smiling a little bit.

She was buying it. “Yes,” he said. “I mean, I meant it when I said I care about Sheridan. I do…she’s been there for me. But as far as love and junk goes…I just…I can’t even see myself being with her. She’s really not my type. And I really didn‘t want to get into it with the two of you…but I actually have somebody waiting for me back home.”

“You limp dicked fucker.” Trace walked into the room. “You’re such a liar. You know as well as I do, that you couldn‘t commit to anybody after the douche bag fucked you over.”

Karen let out a relieved sigh. “You have no idea how much better you’ve made me feel about all of this,” she smiled. “Thank you for being honest.”

He nodded at her. It was taking all of his strength not to say anything to Trace. He knew if he did, Karen wouldn’t believe a word that just came out of his mouth.

“You’ve got…somebody waiting for you,” he laughed. “Who the hell would wait for you now that you can’t get your shit up?”

Trace’s words hit him like daggers. He sucked in a breath, clenched his fists…

“Are you feeling okay?” Karen asked.

“Maybe the doctor will please you,” Trace laughed again. “Ask ‘er. Maybe she’ll give you a kinky sponge bath or something.”

“Just….just shut the hell up!” he yelled, not being able to hold back any longer. “Damn it Tra--shit.” He looked at Karen, realizing too late what he had done. She seemed worried now. He shook his head.

“Sheridan told me nothing was wrong with you when I asked her. But I’m not so sure. Justin, if there’s something you need to tell me, or talk about, I’m here to help you.”

“I don’t need to talk about anything,” he whispered. “I can handle it.”

“These outbursts of yours are telling me otherwise.”

“I’m. Fine,” he seethed. He knew he should tell Karen about Trace, but he was afraid what she would do once she found out. He didn’t want to be put on any sort of drugs…and he didn’t want to talk to some shrink about it either. Sheridan. She was the only one he needed to confide in about it. He knew she wouldn’t try to shove pills down his throat…he knew she wouldn’t make him talk to anybody else about it.

“If they continue, Justin,” she told him. “I’m going to have to take some sort of action. You can’t be…talking to yourself like this.”

Suddenly, he didn’t think he could trust Karen as much as he thought he could. He looked back at Trace, as if to say Do you see what you’re doing to me?

Trace winked at him, and disappeared.

He looked back at Karen. “Don’t threaten me. I’m not crazy, like you think I am.”

“Tell me why you do this,” Karen nodded. “Tell me why you talk to yourself.”

“Maybe because I’m lonely,” he told her. “Ever think about that?”

“It’s not healthy.”

“Just leave me alone about it,” Justin said. “It’s my thing…I mean…you took everything else away Karen. I gotta have something.”

Karen rested her chin on her hand, and seemed to be deep in thought about something. “What can I give you?” she asked him finally.

“Give me?”

“Yes. What sort of privilege can I give you, that’s going to make you feel better? Please, tell me.”

Anything. He could ask for anything. Justin didn’t know where to begin. There were so many things he wasn’t able to do now that he was here. The telephone…the computer…pig out…go out… “Hell Karen,” he said, laughing a little. “I can’t choose.”

“What if I set aside a day where you can do anything you want to?” Karen suggested.

“Like Saturday nights?”

“Yes…but you’ll have the entire day. And it will be free range…you can use the phone…the computer…you can call and talk to whoever you want to. You can even go out if you want. I’ll allow it, within reason. There will be no going home or anything like that.”

He smiled. “You mean it?”

“I mean it,” she said. “If it will help you…I’m open to it.”

“What about my friends,” he asked. “If I go out, can I see some of them?”

“I’ll make you a deal. If in the next week you show some real effort when you do those parallel bars…I’ll let you have a friend over the following weekend. That’s one friend, Justin…only one. And you have to show real, consistent effort.”

He leaned forward and pecked her on the cheek. He wasn’t angry at her for questioning him about his weird tendency anymore. Karen was simply trying to help him, and even though he knew he couldn’t talk about Trace’s ghost with her…he was still happy she was making a blind effort for him to get over it. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Sure,” she smiled. “Now come on, lets get you going with your exercises.”

*************

“Are you going to mope all day, or are you going to talk to me before you leave?”

Marcy shrugged her shoulders, and didn’t look at her.

“Marcy,” Sheridan huffed. “My mother and I both told you it wasn’t your fault.”

“He hates me,” Marcy moaned. “He said it.”

He hates Trace, not you… Sheridan wanted to say the words so badly, but knew that it wasn’t a good idea. It wasn’t Marcy’s place to know about Justin’s problem…it wasn’t anybody’s place to know. “He doesn’t hate you,” she got out. “He was just…distraught. He didn’t know what he was saying. I know for a fact that he really enjoyed having you around Marcy. He really needed to know that people like you still care…I don’t think he believed they did.”

“What does it matter,” she whispered. “I’m just another face to him.”

“Marcy!”

“That’s me,” Marcy stated, rising out of the chair she had been slouching in. She picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. “Don’t worry Sher. When you get back to the dorm…all the pictures will be gone.”

Sheridan shook her head sadly. “Marcy, please don’t be this way. Last night…last night was just something that happened. I’m sure Justin is up by now…” She looked at her watch. “…and is sittin’ there saying ‘boy, I hope Marcy doesn’t think I’m an asshole’.”

“I’m a fat white girl…why should he care if I think badly of him? He’s Justin fucking Timberlake…”

She grasped her friends hand tightly. “You know he’s not that way Marcy.” She looked directly into her eyes. “I know you know that.”

“I guess,” she whispered, pulling her hand away. “I better go.”

“Don’t leave angry,” Sheridan told her. “Look at all the fun we had. I mean Christ, aside from last night…you hung out with Justin Timberlake all weekend, and had fun doing it! What fan could say that?”

“Not now Sheridan,” Marcy said. “I don’t want to think about him.”

Marcy was really upset. Sheridan could remember only one other time that Marcy had gotten this upset over something…and it was when NSYNC’s second album came out, and she hadn’t been able to get it at the stroke of midnight. She was miserable for days after, stating that she wasn’t a true fan. Of course, Sheridan had called her crazy and told her to get a life. But now she almost wished she hadn’t. Now she saw how much impact Justin had over his fans…how much he meant to fans like Marcy. It was her whole world.

And it had come crashing down around her, because Sheridan decided she simply had to dance with Juan for a few more songs. “This is my fault,” she admitted. “If I didn’t make us late--”

“Sheridan,” Marcy said, giggling slightly. “It’s not your fault that I’m obsessed with a pop star, who strangely enough…is being treated by your mother. I just…I need to grow up,” she decided. Marcy looked into her eyes. “I think it’s time for me to grow up, Sher.”

“I gotta go, or else I’ll be stuck here,” Marcy said, sniffling a little bit. “And I know my parent’s won’t bail me out.”

Sheridan nodded, and wrapped her friend up in a long hug. “I love you Marcy.”

“Love you too.” Marcy pulled away from her. “I’ll call you when I land.”

“Oh,” Sheridan gasped, pulling the magazine she had bought for Marcy out of her backpack. It was some special magazine she had found when she went for coffee earlier. It commemorated Justin, and his achievements. She knew Marcy would love it. “I almost forgot…here.” She handed it to her.

Marcy glanced at the cover. “Thanks. But…I think you should keep it.”

“Oh come on. You know you want it,” she smiled.

“Fine,” She took the magazine.

Sheridan smiled. Marcy was feeling better. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

Sheridan watched Marcy walk over to the doorway, and waved one last goodbye to her before she disappeared through it. She smiled a little, knowing that by the time Marcy landed in New York, she would be itching to tear the magazine apart, and tack the best pictures to her bedroom walls.

“Hey, don’t I know you?”

Sheridan turned around. Her eyes widened. Juan was standing before her, that famous sarcastic grin of his plastered across his face. “Wow…” she smiled. “Juan! How are you?”

“Doin’ good,” he yawned. “Still tired from last night though. You ran me ragged girl,” he chuckled. “Whatcha doin here?”

“Oh,” she said. “I had to drop my roommate off.”

“Cool,” he nodded. “I’m goin’ to Philly…wanna go?”

She giggled. “You’re very spur of the moment aren’t you?”

He smiled. “You could say that. Come with me.”

“I can’t come with you,” she smiled. “I have prior commitments. I told you that.”

“Alright,” he nodded, walking toward the doorway. “Well, I’ll be thinking of you anyway girl.”

“Why do you have to go to Philadelphia?” she asked him, a little curious now.

“Work.”

Work. She had been so busy enjoying herself last night, she hadn’t even bothered to ask him what he did for a living. “What do you do?”

“Oh…lots of stuff,” he said.

She smiled. “What’s that mean?”

“I work in the music biz,” he said, leaning in toward her. “It’s all very hush hush.”

Sheridan laughed out loud. “Like the CIA?”

Juan smiled a little. “Sometimes,” he took her hand and pulled her close to him. “I like you.”

Sheridan felt herself go weak at the knees. She didn’t like this feeling. She didn’t want him to make her feel this way…but he was. She loved the way he talked. It was a southern accent yes…but sometimes it cracked into a northern one, making it apparent that he fluctuated between North and South often. She loved the way he smiled, and the way he didn’t seem to care that he needed to shave or get a haircut. He was content in who he was…so it seemed. And to Sheridan, it made him even more likeable. “I like you too, Juan,” she confessed.

“What’s keeping you away from me?” he asked her after a moment. “You got a man?”

She looked away from him. “Not yet.”

“Huh?” he said, in a confused tone. “You gotta do better than that Sheridan.”

“I…I have this friend,” she admitted. “And well…I know I like him, and he knows he likes me. But things are just so hard,” she paused and let out a long sigh. “I mean we want to try to be together…but at the same time we know its not worth it right now.”

“And you said you’d wait around for him,” Juan said.

Her eyes widened. “How…how did you know?”

He shrugged. “I’ve been through enough relationships to know,” he smiled. “But I respect that. It takes a strong girl to do that. He must be a good guy.”

“He is,” she nodded. “He’s totally different from any other guy I’ve ever know.”

“You love him, don’t you?” Juan said, knowingly.

Sheridan gasped. “I don’t know.”

“You must,” Juan reasoned. “If you weren’t in love with him, we’d be standing in that corner making out right now. Cuz hell, I know I want to,” he laughed.

“I can’t be in love with him,” she muttered. “It’s not fair to either of us.”

“You can’t pick and choose who you fall in love with.” Juan shook his head. “You just…fall in love. It just happens.”

Sheridan sighed. “Have you ever been in love before?”

He looked down at the floor, and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Once.”

She had struck another chord with him. It was the same as when she questioned why he dropped out of school. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said, looking back at her. “It was my fault that whole thing ended anyway.”

“I’m sure that wasn’t the case.”

He laughed softly. “It was the case,” he reassured her.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave,” Sheridan told him. “I really don’t feel like going back home right now. I’m so…confused today…I’d rather sit around and talk to you. You’re a good person to talk to.”

“Aww,” he smiled, reaching out and caressing her face. “You’re sweet.” He glanced at his watch. “Hey, what the hell? I can leave tomorrow. I mean sure, my boss’ll be a little pissed, but who really cares? I do more than enough for the guy as it is.”

Sheridan felt herself blush. “Juan no…you can’t just not go to work.”

He smirked. “I’m Juan…I can do what I want.”

“You’re Juan?” she laughed. “Is that supposed to intimidate me?”

He winked at her. “Maybe.”

**************

“What kind of fool jumps off of a roof?” Sheridan said, as she continued to trace patterns into the sand with her finger. Sheridan was thankful Juan suggested they go to the beach. It was the perfect day for it. She made sure to call home first of course, so Justin wouldn’t worry. Her mother seemed happy that she had ‘ran into an old friend’, and was going to ‘be a little late’ though.

She was hoping Justin felt the same way.

Juan had taken her here, in his classy looking Mercedes, reassuring her that her car would be fine in the airport parking lot. Sheridan hadn’t hesitated. The car was beautiful. Her mother didn’t even drive a car as nice as Juan’s. She drove a Volvo, which was a nice…but it wasn’t a Mercedes. But now that she thought about it…she didn’t think she could picture her mother in a Mercedes anyway.

“I was nine!” Juan laughed. “And I thought I could fly.”

“When I was nine,” Sheridan mused. “I was winning horse competitions.”

“Okay okay,” Juan groaned. “So you’re more sophisticated than me. That was a given from the start.”

“Maybe I am, but my life is probably a snore fest compared to yours.”

“How so?”

“Oh come on,” Sheridan said, nudging him a little. “You party all the time…you travel all the time. That must be so great.”

He shrugged. “That stuff can get boring after awhile. It’s just a lifestyle Sheridan. It doesn’t mean anything. I mean sure, when I first started out it was amazing. But I think it was because I was so damn young. I mean, I was only seventeen when I started in this business. And when you’re seventeen and can get into the most elite clubs and junk…it’s really awesome. But now I’m twenty three. I’ve been living like this for years. I’m tired of it,” he laughed. “As strange as that sounds.”

Every time Juan brought up his lifestyle, and what he did for a living…Sheridan couldn’t help but become more curious. “If you don’t mind me asking you,” she began. “Who do you work for?”

He laughed. “You’re nosey girl.”

Sheridan frowned. “I’m sorry. I just…I can’t help myself. Can you blame me?”

He shook his head. “Not really. Alright…you wanna know who I work for?”

Her eyes widened. “Yeah.”

“You ready?”

She gasped. “Yeah!”

He leaned forward. “Marty Kudelka, he’s a choreographer,” he whispered. “And then…there’s Renee Earnest…she’s an exec.”

Sheridan yawned. “Snore, what about…famous people?”

“Famous?” he scoffed. “Don’t you know who Renee Earnest is?”

Sheridan snickered. “I get the point.”

“See…my life ain’t so luxurious. Although…I did get some kick ass court side seats for the Lakers last year,” he pointed out.

“Ooo,” Sheridan giggled. “There’s a plus.”

He laughed, and pounced on her, pushing her down on to the sand. He pinned her wrists down ,and smiled. “You’re just jealous.”

“Am not,” she cooed. “Can I get up?”

“Hmm…nope,” he decided.

“I’ll knee you in the balls.”

“And that would hurt,” he laughed, not loosening the hold he had on her. “But I’m pretty sure you’re bark is worse than your bite, Sheridan.”

He was right. “So?”

He lightly brushed his lips against hers. “You gonna knee me in the balls now?” he whispered.

Sheridan was flabbergasted. That kiss had been so perfect…not to passionate…not too quick. She gazed up at him, and felt her face begin to burn with embarrassment.. “No,” she whispered.

He smiled. “I’m glad.” He kissed her again.

She kissed him back. She wanted him to kiss her. She loved the way it felt to have him so close to her, making her feel so sexy…so wonderful inside.

Sheridan gasped, and broke the kiss. Juan…he kissed like Justin kissed.

“What?” Juan gasped. “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t do this,” she managed. She rolled out from underneath him. “I can’t.”

“Shit,” he jumped to his feet. “I’m sorry, Sheridan. I just kinda lost my mind there for a minute I guess. You know, you’re just such a down girl. I couldn’t help myself.”

She felt a chill pass through her, and she shivered a little. It confused her, because it was so warm out today. It had to be at least eighty degrees. “Don’t apologize Juan,” she said. “I kinda lost myself there for a minute too.”

He looked at his watch. “I- I guess I could probably still make the next flight if I rush,” he said. “I probably should.”

Sheridan nodded. “Probably,” she murmured.

“Come on,” he held his hand out to her. “I’ll bring you back.”

She took his hand. She couldn’t help but feel bad about all of this. Justin wanted to be with her…Justin wanted to kiss her, and she had told him that it wouldn’t’ work. But she had just made out with Juan, a guy she had only just met. Was she wrong? She didn’t know. She couldn’t say she cheated on Justin, because they weren’t a couple…but for some reason she still felt like she betrayed him in some way.

She got into the car, and buckled herself in. “Thanks for the day anyhow,” she said, as Juan started up the car.

“It’s no prob,” he told her. “I had fun.”

She didn’t reply, and focused her gaze out the window.

“Sheridan.”

She looked at him.

“You should just…be with that guy. Regardless of what anybody else has to say about it. You know…it’s hard to find somebody to be with. Hell, I know that.”

“It’s complicated, Juan.”

He shrugged. “Complicated or not…it’s still love,” he reasoned. “And love can’t wait for anything. Life’s too short, Sheridan. Just think about that.” He turned up the radio, seemingly not wanting to talk anymore about the subject.

Sheridan couldn’t help but think about what Juan said. In a lot of aspects he was correct. Granted, he didn’t know who it was that she wanted to be with…or the situation he was in. But still, for a guy that wasn’t that much older than her…he seemed to know a lot about life.

And that it was too short.

Sheridan often thought about what Justin was like before his accident. Not Justin the celebrity…not the Justin that Marcy rambled on and on about, but the real Justin. Justin, the talented young man from a small town in Tennessee. The Justin who had a close knit family…and life long best friends. She wondered what Justin’s hobbies had been…what he had done on Friday nights when he hadn’t been at some ceremony, concert, or event. She smiled, picturing him inside that gigantic house of his, having some childlike water gun battle with Trace…just because they couldn’t come up with anything better to do…or because they weren’t able to act like idiots any other time.

Of course, she couldn’t help but be curious about Trace as well. She pictured him being a lot like Justin, simply because they were together every day. She knew he was probably charming, sweet talking, and immature…but could change into that businesslike, mature individual that Justin needed him to be at any given moment. Justin was the same way, even though he was more playful here because he didn’t have to be ‘on’. She knew he could go see his manager today and still be the same professional man he had always been. Only…his confidence level wouldn’t be the same.

At times, she wished she could have met Trace, just once…just to know the kind of person he was. She knew that if she had even a small inkling to what the real Trace had been like, she could have talked about him with Justin, and known what to say to make him feel a little better about Trace’s death. But she didn’t know Trace…she didn’t know a thing about him. She didn’t even know what he looked like. All she could do was recall what she felt after her father died, and try to make Justin see that his friend’s death wasn’t his fault.

She was having a hard time telling Marcy the same thing….that it wasn’t her fault that Justin snapped at her. It had been a little more than a week since Marcy went home and even though she sounded like her old self over the phone, Sheridan could tell that she was still upset about Justin yelling at her. She understood. It was an intense situation, after all. Justin was the celebrity that Marcy had been fantasizing about for years. For her to spend a weekend with him, only to be ‘yelled’ at the night before she left must have been terribly traumatizing for her. But Sheridan was sure, that if Marcy knew the real reason that Justin had lashed out at her, she probably wouldn’t dwell on it as much.

It still upset her that Marcy’s visit ended on a sour note. Marcy’s visit was supposed to have been a positive thing for the both of them. It was supposed to get Marcy’s mind off of her parents divorce, and her own mind off the overwhelming burden of a new semester on the rise. But the visit hadn’t been anything like that. All Marcy thought about was Justin, not that Sheridan could blame her. Marcy didn’t see Justin like she saw him. All she saw was that name…that famous name, and image. She couldn’t see inside him…the pain that he carried with him everyday of his life.

And as bad as it sounded, she had never been more thankful when she ran into Juan at the airport that day. At the time she hadn’t thought about it, but now she realized how badly she needed to run off to the beach with him. It had been nice to sit on the beach, and talk to somebody besides Marcy, and Justin for a change. Juan seemed to understand her situation, even though he didn’t know her well. It drew her to him, more so than she wanted. She had been thrilled to be kissed by him, but at the same time she had been afraid. She didn’t know Juan…and Justin well, she knew he would wait for her for as long as it took for her to come around. Unfortunately , she didn’t know when that time would come…or if it ever would.

Maybe that was why she never had a steady relationship before. She was always so shy, so ashamed of her virginity, that she refused to let anybody take her to that next level. Sure she would go on a date, the guy would want more than she was prepared to let him have, and she would push him away. Of course he wouldn’t call…and her next Friday evening would be spent alone in her dorm room. Juan was no different. Yes, he treated her with the respect she deserved, but that meant nothing. She gave him her number that day they went to the beach. He promised to call, and his expression had been so sincere that she believed him. But more than a week had passed now. Juan hadn’t called….and Sheridan was sure he wasn’t going to bother. She figured he probably forgot all about her by now. He had moved on to Philadelphia, New York…or wherever his work had taken him. Onto bigger and better things…better women.

He didn’t need her.

Voices echoed somewhere outside the room she was changing in. She recognized her mother’s voice after a moment, followed by the familiar sound of Justin’s laughter. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror. She was wearing a bikini. She hadn’t even thought about it. She bit her bottom lip, and debated about whether or not it was a good idea. True, she would be a lot more comfortable helping Justin with his exercises this way. But that was just it. It was Justin she was helping. She wasn’t sure how she felt about being so scantily clad in front of him. She never wore anything appealing in front of him, specifically for this reason. Actually, she was pretty sure the only time he had seen her dressed up was the night she and Marcy went to Silver. Even then…her outfit hadn’t been very revealing.

Juan seemed to like it though.

Sheridan shook her head vigorously. She wanted to forget about Juan. She needed to focus, she needed to be professional for both herself and for Justin. In a flash, she grabbed the one piece suit she brought with her and changed into it. She looked at herself again and scrunched up her nose in disgust. She looked so…old. Part of her wanted to forget her insecurities and change back, but then she thought about it…knew that Justin wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes off of her, and decided she had made the right decision.

Grabbing a towel, and giving herself one last look in the mirror she plodded out to the pool area. Her mother was crouched in front of Justin, attaching braces to his legs. Sheridan knew he was probably nervous. It was his first aqua therapy session, and Sheridan knew that taking on new and different things wasn’t Justin’s favorite past time. She slowly approached the pair, and has she drew closer she could tell that her assumptions about Justin’s nerves were correct. He was talking a mile a minute, asking her mother every question under the sun. Was the pool deep? Was he going to go under and look ‘like a fool’? Was this really going to help? Why couldn’t he do something easier?

“Justin,” her mother laughed, cutting Justin’s speech short. “Give this a chance, okay?”

Justin sighed loudly. “Where’s Sheridan?”

Sheridan smiled a little. “Hey.”

He looked up just then, and all of the fear that had been apparent on his face a moment ago vanished. “Hey.”

“You got your swimmies on?,“ she asked.

"You bet!" He lifted the towel off of his lap, to reveal a pair of bright yellow Spongebob Squarepants swim trunks. "You like em? They made `em for me," he informed her.

"What don't they make for you?," she laughed.

**************

The therapy session went better than expected. Sheridan really seemed to know what she was doing, and he learned a lot from her. The two specialized braces attached to his legs allowed him to stand, without much of a struggle. Still, it was strange, scary, crazy even. Justin didn’t remember the last time he was able to stand on his own two feet without some sort of struggle. The upper portion of his body swayed from side to side at first, forcing Sheridan to stand behind him at times to steady him. He wasn’t used to standing in an upright position, without the support of the standing board Karen put him on every morning. But after the initial awkwardness of the water subsided, he was able to relax and settle into the environment. In the end, he decided he enjoyed aqua therapy, and was glad Karen convinced him that he should give it a try.

“So…do you like this better than the other stuff my mom makes you do?” Sheridan gave the float that Justin was holding onto a little push, sending him out into the middle of the pool.

Justin turned his head toward her. “Yes,” he said, shooting her a lazy smile. “It’s not so much work…and I get to be in the pool. I feel like I haven’t been in a pool in years. It’s really sad that I’m getting my kicks out of getting into a pool,” he laughed sadly. “Before I’d get my kicks out of doing a show…or going to a club or whatever. I must be pathetic…yeah.”

““Hey grumpy bear,” Sheridan giggled, splashing him a bit. “Snap out of it would you? You’re not pathetic.”

He looked at her. “But I feel pathetic Sher,” he whispered. “Maybe…I’ve always felt this way. Maybe it just took something as big as this to make me realize it. You know, when you live like I do…it‘s hard to come to terms with your own emotions. Everybody is always throwing themselves at your feet, telling you how great you are. You don’t even realize how easy it is to wake up everyday, smile at yourself, and believe that you’re the God’s gift to humanity. But then something happens…you get screwed over…and you realize that you’re not as special as you thought. You’re just this pathetic excuse for an individual, who thought they were somebody.”

She waded over to him. “What makes you think that you‘re pathetic?” she asked. “Justin, you…you’re so talented…and such a good person inside.” She paused and smiled a little. “Can’t you see that?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes I don’t even think I know who I really am. I mean, I know the person everybody has made me out to be. I know the person that they all want me to be. But Sher…I don’t think that’s me,” he shook his head. “It’s like…I’m just starting to realize who I really am. It’s so damn scary Sheridan,” he said, his voice cracking a little. “I don‘t know…me at all.” He looked into her eyes, searching them for an answer…any answer. He was so lost. It had just dawned on him now…He had no idea who he was. Because if he wasn’t that celebrity anymore…if he was just ‘normal’ so to speak…then what was left?

Nothing.

He never had to deal with ‘himself’ before. Trace was the only one who had treated him like a normal human being. But that hadn’t phased him. Of course it hadn’t. One person out of a million couldn’t do much damage to his ego. At the time Justin thought he was untouchable…that he would be the way he was for the rest of his life. He hadn’t counted on Trace getting killed. He hadn’t counted on losing everything he worked so hard to gain.

He hadn’t counted on being the cause of it all either.

“But you can get to know you,” Sheridan replied. “That’s part of the reason you’re here Justin. To find yourself again.” She grasped his hand. “You’re not some…lost soul. You’re Justin Randall Timberlake from Millington, Tennessee. You’re good at music, and charming the pants off of girls like myself. You have a great sense of humor, and you make the best omelets I’ve ever tasted.” She pinched his nose. “And you’re cute too.”

He smiled. “You think I’m cute,” he said. “Like cute…as in ‘aww look at the cute little freak’ or cute as in ‘t-t-t-take me now’,” he sang.

She slapped him on the arm playfully. “Neither, you dope. I mean cute as in ‘aww we are friends‘.”

“Damn,” he pouted. “For a second there…I thought I was finally gonna get my way with you.”

“I’m not that easy,” Sheridan said, giving him a reassuring wink. “How about we get out…you know…maybe you can find yourself somewhere in the house.”

“That was cold, Sheridan,” he said, trying to hide his smile.

She splashed him. “So was that.”

“You’re lucky I can’t let go of this thing,” he told her. “Or I would have dunked you awhile ago.”

“Oh please. You wouldn’t dare.”

“Like hell I wouldn’t. I used to do it to Elisha all the time,” he blurted out, not thinking about what he was saying. His eyes widened.

“Elisha?,” Sheridan asked him. “Who’s she…an old girlfriend?”

He figured it was okay to talk about this particular subject with her. Elisha wasn’t Trace, after all. “No,” he replied. “Trace‘s fiancé.”

Trace appeared at the opposite end of the pool. He was wearing those stupid Scooby Doo swim trunks. The one‘s that Elisha had been embarrassed to see him in. That was why he wore them though. Something about Elisha becoming annoyed, always used to turn Trace on. “I don’t think I’m comfortable with this conversation,” Trace decided. “Stop talking about my girl, it’s none of Sheridan’s business.”

“Go away,” he whispered.

“Justin?”

He looked at her. Her expression was full of concern. “He’s here,” Justin confessed. “I…I want him to go away.”

Sheridan glanced around the room. “Where is he?”

“There,” he pointed.

“You dumb ass,” Trace sneered. “She can’t see me. Do you want her to give you more happy pills?”

“If it will get rid of you,” Justin snapped.

“I can’t see him,” Sheridan said. “Tell him I told him to get out.”

Justin laughed. “You don‘t have to play along. Go ahead, you can tell me I‘m crazy.”

“You’re crazy!” Trace exclaimed.

He glared at him. “I wasn’t asking you.”

“So?” Trace shrugged. He back up a bit, and rubbed his hands together. “Hey…remember when we were kids J? We used to go to Nanna’s house and go swimming. What was that dive we made up…the fireball?”

“Justin,” Sheridan said. “You’re not crazy. Maybe…the chlorine is just going to your head,” she giggled. “Do you want to get out?”

“It was the comet,” he informed Trace.

“You know, I think you’re right…it was the comet,” Trace nodded. “Wanna see me do it?”

Sheridan shot him a confused glance. “The comet?”

“No,” he told him. He reverted his gaze back to Sheridan. “Let’s get out Sher,” he said quickly. “I think you’re right about the chlorine thing.”

“Well…tough,” Trace grunted. “I’m doing it.” Without another word, he ran forward and jumped cannon-ball style into the pool.

The water surged upward, and crashed down upon Justin. He was startled…so much that he let go of the float he was holding onto. Then he felt it, water all around him. In his eyes, his ears…his mouth. He was sinking, drowning. He moved his arms about wildly, desperately trying to pull himself back to the surface. It wasn’t working. He needed his legs to do some of the work too…but they were dead weight, like two eighty pound sacks of sand that were dangling from his body.

The drain at the bottom of the pool was getting closer, larger, and wider. It was going to swallow him up. Then he was falling through the darkness, and just as suddenly he was standing on solid ground. No longer were his legs two useless appendages attached to his body. He was standing on his own two feet. He walked forward, and laughed a little, amazed at himself. Just to be sure that he wasn’t being fooled again, he did a little spin, followed by a two step routine that had been part of his choreography. “It works!” he yelled. His voice echoed into the distance, and for the first time he realized that he was outside.

It was a nice place. It reminded him of the country club he belonged to out in Malibu. They had a great golf course there, and as he gazed around he noticed that was exactly where he was…on a golf course. He was confused. How could he have gone from being in a pool with Sheridan, to some random golf course?

“You game?” Trace came up from behind him, and set his clubs down on the green. He bent down and stuck his peg into the soft ground, planting the ball on top of it. “Great day for it.”

“Huh?’ For a moment, Justin thought he was caught up in a memory again. He searched his mind for any sort of significant moment he and Trace shared out on the golf course in the past. He couldn’t think of any, and let out a long sigh. “What is this?” he asked, hoping that Trace would be able to give him an answer.

“Don’t look so confused,” Trace chuckled. He pulled a club out of his bag, and after studying it for a moment, stepped up to the peg. “It’s just golf. You always kick my ass in golf, Justin.” He peered into the distance, and thrust out a few practice swings before giving the golf ball a hard whack that sent it flying out into the distance. “Ha,” he smiled, giving Justin a small wink. “I got lucky for once. That might have ended up near the hole.”

He gasped. Had he drowned? Was this heaven? Was this where Trace went after he disappeared? “Trace…” he began.

“Hurry up and tee off man,” Trace whined. “I want to finish this game before the sun goes down.”

“But…Trace…”

“Hey boys.”

Justin turned around. What he saw…or who he saw for that matter, made him forget what he was about to say to Trace. He blinked once…twice…she was still there. Halle Berry. She was standing before him, completely naked, holding a tray of cold beers. He shook his head. It couldn’t be.

“Hey you.” Trace swaggered over to her, and took a beer from the tray she held. He gave her a small kiss on the cheek before taking a swing from the bottle. “Justin, where are your manners? Say hello.”

“Uh…” he shifted his gaze from Halle to Trace and back again. “Hi.”

“I was wondering when we’d get you down here,” Halle smiled, swaying her hips in a way that would drive any man wild. She sauntered up to him, and popped open a bottle of beer for him. “How ‘bout a cold one,” she whispered in his ear.

He licked his lips. He wanted her. He could feel it…everywhere. He remembered the conversations he and Trace held about her. They used to say that when they died…they wanted to have her all to themselves, in their own private heaven. Of course this heaven would be complete with a twenty four hour bar…and a golf course. He gasped.

Maybe he did die.

“I…,” he whispered. “Yes please.”

She smiled her perfect, sexy smile and handed him the beer. “I never told anybody this…” she said, glancing at Trace quickly. She leaned in closer to him, and laughed a little bit. “But that day I was on TRL with you…I was so horny.”

Justin felt his face turn a deep shade of crimson. He remembered that day well. Trace had gotten her to come on the show, as a surprise. He never thought it was possible to get so horny so quickly. But he had. After the show was over, he was never more thankful to be able to jack off. “You…you like me?” he gasped.

“Oh yeah, honey,” she smiled. She dropped the tray and it vanished upon making contact with the ground. She pursed her lips together. “I want you baby.”

The beer slid out of his hand. He didn’t care. She was all he could see at the moment. She was all he wanted. He felt his package tighten, and he cleared his throat a little. Then she pressed her lips lightly against his. He moaned. “Oh God.”

“Mmm,” Halle laughed. “I like this.”

“Justin…”

He knew the voice well. It was Sheridan’s. He ignored it. Halle was kissing him again, and he wasn’t about to stop her.

“Justin, please come back,” Sheridan said. “I…I don’t want you to leave me.”

He sighed, and broke the kiss.

“Justin?” Halle said. “What’s wrong?”

“You hear that?” he asked her.

She ran her hands through his hair. “Hear what baby?”

“Come back Justin,” Sheridan repeated.

“Trace,” Justin yelled out. “Do you hear that?”

Trace looked at him. “You have to decide,” he informed him, seriously.

“Decide? Decide what?”

“Honey,” Halle said, turning his head toward her with a single finger. “Don’t worry about it. You’re fine right here with me.”

“No…” Justin persisted. He pulled away from her, as much as it pained him to do so. “Tell me…what I have to decide, Trace.”

“I don’t need to tell you. You already know what this is about.” Trace nodded, sticking his golf club back in his bag. He lifted the bag off the ground and slung it over his shoulder. “Either you’re gonna stay here…fuck Halle and play golf. Or you’re gonna go back to her.”

Justin shrugged. “I don’t get it.”

“I made a decision,” Trace said, pointing at his chest. “That’s why I’m here.”

“A decision? What the hell are you talking about Trace?”

He laughed out loud. “Justin, for the moment…let’s think about what it would be like if I hadn‘t died.”

“Uh, okay.” He looked at Halle. She was still standing before him, smiling as if she had no idea what was going on.

“If I lived…do you honestly believe that I would be the same person?,” Trace asked.

“I…” he began. “I would have made sure you received the best care, Trace.”

“Nah,” he shook his head. “It wouldn’t have mattered Justin. Don’t you see that? I would have been like…this vegetable. I mean, who knows if I ever would have come out of that coma? I was given the option, and I chose to come here…I guess I thought it would be easier for you…for everybody. I know I made the right choice…and you should be smart enough to know that too.”

“How is this easier!” he exclaimed. “You’re dead…and you keep coming back for no fucking reason. I mean sure, it would be easier if you had just died, and I didn’t hear from you at all. But that’s not the case, is it Trace?”

“I’m doing this for you,” Trace grumbled. “I told you that…god…I don’t even know how many times. If you don‘t want me around then that‘s fine. I think you’re ready to make that decision on your own,” he nodded.

“What decision?,” Justin grunted. “Are you telling me that you‘re not in my head? That you‘re a ghost…that I‘m not crazy?”

“I’m telling you that if you think you’re ready…I won’t come around anymore. I really don’t mind Justin. I mean, I’d like to get some peace too ya know?“ He glanced at his wrist watch. “You don’t have much time. If you really feel that you can‘t move on…if you want to stay here…then just say the word. It‘s the only way you‘re gonna get me back Justin. Decide now.”

“Justin…” Sheridan’s voice echoed in the distance. She sounded like she was crying. “Justin…come on!”

“Come on,” Halle spoke up, pulling him close to her naked form. “Don’t you want to stay here and kick it? I know I’m better than that pasty white girl,” she smiled. “You know I am.”

Trace was nuts. How could Trace expect him to make a decision like this? Maybe in the beginning he would have chosen to stay here…he had wanted to die then. But now things were changing. For the first time since the accident, he saw hope for himself. He saw himself walking again…going home and starting his life over again. He saw himself performing again. He saw himself with his friends…with his family.

He saw himself with Sheridan.

“Don’t leave me Justin,” Sheridan said.

With a regretful sigh, he pulled away from Halle. “I can’t stay,” he admitted. He looked at Trace. “You’re really not coming back again…are you?”

Trace shook his head. “Not without a powerful reason.”

Justin looked at the ground, and felt a few tears make their way down his face. “I don‘t know how I‘m supposed to get by without you,” he got out. “Look, maybe I haven’t been the easiest person to deal with, Trace. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop coming around. I…I sorta like it now, you know? I was getting used to having you around. It was like I had you back you know?”

“You’re gonna be fine J,” Trace reassured him. “I know you. I know that…you needed me up until now. But now…you’ve got Sheridan. You trust her…hell, maybe you even love her. Take that Justin…take it and move on. She’s a great girl.”

Justin scoffed. “I thought you hated Sheridan.”

“I don’t hate her, now that I‘ve got her figured out,” Trace whispered. “Now go on,” he smiled. “Get outta here…before I get stupid and convince you to stay. I‘ll be watching you,” he nodded. “Know that.”

Justin watched him walk off down the golf course, getting farther away until he was no more than a dot in the distance. Then he was gone.

“Justin,” Halle smiled. She caressed his face with her hand. “You can stay,” she nodded. “You can stay and be with me forever.” She swept him into a passionate kiss.

He couldn’t do it. As much as he would have liked to stay here, and make love to her for the rest of eternity…he knew he had to go. He had responsibilities. He had to focus on getting better. He had to get back to his life. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, breaking the kiss. “I just can’t.”

She pulled away from him. A look of sadness was spread across her face. “I understand,” she nodded.

“Justin,” Sheridan called out again. “Over here!”

He looked into Halle’s eyes one last time. He couldn’t help himself. He kissed her, and in that moment everything changed. It was dark, and he realized his eyes were closed…but he could still feel Halle’s lips pressing against his. He opened his eyes.

But it wasn’t Halle who was kissing him. It was Sheridan now. But he wasn’t nervous…or scared…or uneasy. He didn’t think Sheridan was either. He kissed her harder, pulling her down on top of him.

“Justin!” she exclaimed. She pulled away from him, and stood up.

He tried to do the same, but found that he couldn’t move his legs once again. He groaned, disappointed by this. He shivered a little. He was cold…wet. Like he had just gotten out of the pool. He coughed, and nearly choked on the mouthful of water that rose out of his throat. “God,” he gasped. “What’s going on?”

“I…I didn’t know what to do,” Sheridan got out. “You…I didn’t think you were breathing. Thank God you’re okay. Omigod…” she cried, snatching the terrycloth robe off a hook on the wall.. “How could I let this happen?” She began to pace back and forth nervously.

“Sheridan,” he managed. “Stop.”

She paused, mid-stride and stared at him.

“I’m okay,” he told her.

“I…I was so afraid. I thought that you were dead,” she sobbed. “I was giving you CPR, and oh god…you kissed me.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Didn’t you?”

He smiled a little, and nodded. “I thought…I thought you were kissing me,” he confessed.

She crouched down beside him, and helped him slip into the robe. “Let’s get you back to the house.”

“Just…wait,” he persisted. He tugged on her hand, and pulled her toward him. She obeyed, and that surprised him because she was normally so insistent that they keep their distance. “I want to kiss you Sheridan.”

Sheridan gasped. “No.”

He propped himself up on his elbows. “You know we can be together Sheridan. I know you believe that…in your heart. You know that I’m not just some patient. This is…maybe this is love Sher. Did you ever think about that before?”

“You’re crazy,” she told him. “This isn’t love…you can’t just…fall in love Justin. It takes time…it takes patience. Love is so extreme,” she shook her head. “And it’s a commitment that you and I can’t handle.”

He didn’t care what Sheridan had to say this time. He kissed her anyway, to get his point across…fully expecting her to pull away from him. But she didn’t. Their kissing became more intense after a moment. More intense than it had ever been before. He pulled her down on top of him. She didn’t seem to notice. Then his hands were on her…traveling up and down her body. Exploring it for the first time.

“We shouldn’t,” she said, breaking their kiss moments later. “I’m scared Justin.”

He brushed the hair out of her face and behind her ears. He was captivated by her…he wanted to take in every feature, every little freckle and dimple. “But you don’t have to be,” he said. “I’ll never hurt you Sheridan.”

“There’s so much to think about,” she said. “You know that as well as I do.”

“But we can do it,” he persisted. “Look at us…we’re like this team. I couldn’t have gotten through half of this shit without you Sheridan. I’m not just saying that. Nobody else has been able to get through to me like you have…you know that. You don’t know what it was like before I met you. I had to deal with everything myself…I couldn’t talk to anybody. I couldn’t tell them about Trace, about how he comes around. Christ, my own mother doesn’t even know that. You have to realize Sheridan…you get me,” he nodded. “You always have…from the first day I met you. Can you blame me for falling for you?”

“Okay, I understand that you almost drowned just now…I know that our emotions are all out of sync…” Sheridan said. “But it doesn’t give us the excuse, or the right to just forget about our morals and make out like a couple of animals. Justin, come on…be logical. I’m not saying I don’t have those kind of feelings for you. Christ, you know I do…you know I wish we could be together. But we just can’t. Not now.”

“Because you’re helping with my therapy,” he stated.

“Mostly, yes.”

“Then stop helping me,” Justin smiled. “Then you won’t have an excuse. Then we can do whatever we want.”

She folded her arms under her breasts. “This is my internship, Justin. Doesn’t that matter to you?”

“Of course it does. But haven’t you done enough with me to receive credit for it?”

Sheridan was silent.

He knew there was something she wasn’t telling him. “Sheridan?” he said.

“I…I get the credit by being here,” she confessed. “Whatever happens…happens. They don’t research it. But that’s not the point. I know it’s wrong, and mom would never go for it anyway. I have way too much going on…”

“You have an excuse for everything don’t you?,” he smiled. “Sheridan, if you want to do something…you do it. I know you. If you really wanted to be with me, you wouldn’t let anything, or anybody stop you. Is that it…do you not want to be with me?”

She shook her head. “You know I do.”

“Then let’s try,” he said. “If I can be like this…in that wheelchair and still want to try…then so can you.”

“There’s things…” she began. “There’s things you don’t know about me, Justin. I’m not like the girls you’re used to.”

He sighed. The girls he was used to. More like the girls everybody wanted him to be with. There had been one that stood out from the rest of course. Britney. But that relationship had ended abruptly…too abruptly. Up until the accident…up until Sheridan came along, he dwelled on it often. Britney was his first real, true, undeniable love. He would never fully recover from what she had done…or what they had lost when their relationship ended. But that was the past. This was now. And Sheridan felt like she didn’t compare to the sluts he used to sleep with. She was right. She didn’t compare to them.

Because she was better.

“Don’t say that,” he said. “That doesn’t even matter to me. Those girls…they…when you live the kind of lifestyle I do, you don’t really care who you date. You just pick and choose from a giant pool of beautiful women that want you. Sheridan,” he said, caressing her face. “I could look through that pool until the day I die…I know, I’ll never find another girl like you.” He kissed her on the forehead. “I know that sounds cheesy,” he laughed. “I just don’t know how else to get through to you. It’s like…you wish I didn’t feel this away about you. It’s like, you think I’m going to find some defect in you…and not like you anymore.”

“But you will,” she whispered. “You just can’t see it now.”

“The other me would,” he said. “This me…the one I don’t know. I really don’t think he would do that.”

“How do you know?”

He kissed her again. “Because I’m willing to take that chance.”

She moved off of him, and laid down next to him. His robe fell open, and she rested one of her hands on his bare chest. “I don’t know if I can handle something going wrong between us. I still have another semester of school…and then probably grad school. What are we going to do then?”

He toyed with her fingers. “We’ll just do it.” The subject of Sheridan leaving for school was something Justin had been avoiding for some time. But he knew if he wanted to be with her, he would have to deal with it. He figured he could though. When he was with Britney, they would sometimes go for nearly a month without physically seeing one another. But for four years, they managed to stay together. He knew he could do the same thing with Sheridan. “I’m used to separation Sher. Look at my life.”

“Then…” she said after a moment. “If you really feel that we can do this Justin, I’ll tell my mom that I can’t help you anymore. I know that it’s crazy, but I also know that we can’t just randomly make out now and then and not try to have a relationship. I care about you…and I want to do this.”

He smiled. Finally, finally he was going to get a chance to prove himself to her. He pulled her to him again, and planted a long, sensual kiss on her lips. He felt her smile, and he continued what he started.

“Sheridan.”

He gasped, and he heard Sheridan do the same. He looked behind him, just in time to make eye contact with Karen. He was nauseous.

“What in the world is going on?” Karen demanded.

Television was never able to resolve her problems, or even take her mind off of them for that matter. But as Sheridan flipped through the various channels, she prayed that this instance would be different. She tried to focus on Gilligan saying something stupid to the Skipper. She tried to focus on Danny Tanner yelling at his family to keep the house clean. She even tried to focus on Jerry Springer trying to keep the peace between the two siblings-in-love that sat before him. She laughed at herself, knowing that none of this was going to take her mind off of the days events…or what was going on at this very moment. Disgusted, she threw the remote at the television and stood up. She barely noticed that her throw caused the channel to change again, until she heard that familiar voice.

“You know, it’s just something I was born to do…”

Sheridan’s eyes widened, and she turned to face the television once again. Justin’s face filled the screen. He looked like the celebrity she knew he used to be. His hair was neatly buzzed and he was clean shaven, except for the barely noticeable goatee on his chin. It was a world away from the scruffy look he possessed now, with the beard that had long since grown in, and the mess of brown hair on his head.

He was so confident….so different from the Justin she’d come to know so well. He looked as if he could take on anything…anybody. This was a Justin that didn’t care what people thought about him. This was a Justin that did things his way…by his rules. This was a Justin that didn’t take no, or ’that’s not possible’ for an answer. She wanted to know him, she wanted to him to tell her that she was good enough for him. She wanted him to tell her that he liked her for who she was, and not just because she was the only female he could relate to within twenty miles of the ranch.

“Justified is like…my baby, my first born,“ he continued, with a sly smile. “It’s like my own personal version of Thriller, that fortunately, I‘ve been able to share with the world. I couldn’t be happier with the album…and the response I‘ve received, definitely makes all the sleepless nights worth it.” Justin’s face vanished from the screen just then, and a news anchor appeared. Not wanting to hear the press’s outlook on Justin’s condition, she flipped off the television.

She realized she couldn’t get to know that Justin, because he was gone…swept away by the same tragedy that took the life of his best friend. The Justin that now remained was simple minded, soft spoken, and had little, or no confidence in who he was. He considered himself a joke…a freak…an outcast to society. And he seemed to think that the only person in his life that could understand him at all…was herself.

Today he’d nearly drowned before her eyes. The situation was all too familiar, but Sheridan didn’t stop to think about this until after Justin was safely out of the water. She didn’t remember diving in after him. She didn’t remember pulling him out of the pool. She didn’t remember giving him CPR. The only thing she did remember thinking was, she couldn’t let him die on her like her father had all those years ago.

Then she felt his lips on hers, and was snapped back into reality. He was okay, and for the first time since she met Justin, she realized that she truly cared about him. She cared about him more than she thought. It scared her, because normally she didn’t let her emotions get the best of her. She was so closed off…so cautious as to who she trusted, and who she let inside her. For six years, she had been numb to any sort of feeling…as numb as Justin’s legs were. But Justin…he made that feeling vanish. For the first time since her father’s death, she could feel. And she felt alive.

Then her mother walked in on them, right in the middle of it all. Angry wasn’t the right word to describe her mother’s mood. It was more like enraged…infuriated. The moment she pulled away from Justin, her mother put him back in his wheelchair, and forced him out of the pool area. That was when it all came crashing down on her…Justin almost drowning…how much it reminded her of her father‘s death…how everything was always her fault.

How her mother never let her forget that everything was her fault.

“Sheridan.”

The sound of her mother’s voice, forced Sheridan out of her thoughts. She glanced toward the doorway, and met her mother’s gaze. “Mom.”

“Has Justin come in yet?,” she asked.

Sheridan swallowed hard. Her mother had put Justin to work hours ago. She said it would give him time to clear his head, and think about what was really important But ‘work’ involved giving the fence surrounding the corral a fresh coat of paint. It was something that Justin would have been able to handle under normal circumstances…but these weren’t normal circumstances. He’d nearly drowned today, and he was probably exhausted. Sheridan knew she should have told her mother about the incident, but she hadn’t been able to get the words out. She was afraid of what her mother would say to her…that she was irresponsible…a failure. It was a selfish thing to do on her part, and she knew that, but the current situation was already bad enough. There was no reason to make it worse. “No,” she managed. “I haven’t seen him.”

The door banged open just then, and Justin wheeled himself into the room. Sheridan bit her lip and watched him roll to a stop. He looked terrible. Speckles of white paint dotted his face, his hair, his army jacket. He leaned to one side in his chair, a pained, exhausted look on his face. But his eyes revealed more than his tiredness. There was despondency in them and something else. A plea. But for what? Was it a plea for sympathy, forgiveness, or for all this to be over?

“Justin,” Sheridan gasped. She couldn’t help herself. She darted to his side, and crouched down to meet his level. “God, you look horrible.”

“That’s enough Sheridan,” her mother said. “Justin needs to get ready for bed.”

“I‘ll be okay,” Justin whispered. He grabbed her hand. It was as cold as ice. “I‘m just really tired right now.”

Sheridan didn’t acknowledge her mother. Her gaze remained focused on Justin, and she squeezed his hand tightly. “It’s okay,” she said. “You’re okay now.” She gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. “C’mon, let me help you.” She stood up, and began to push him out of the room

Her mother stepped in front of the doorway, blocking her path. “No,” she stated. “I’ll do it. Just go to bed, Sheridan.”

“Mom,” she whispered. “Please…just let me help him into bed.”

“I said go to bed,” her mother repeated. “Before you make him more upset.”

“But she’s not making me upset!” Justin spoke up, weakly.

“You’re in no condition to make that decision,” her mother snapped. “I’m the doctor, and I will get you into bed. Sheridan, go…now.” She moved out of the doorway and motioned for Sheridan to pass through it.

Her bottom lip quivered. She understood that her mother was angry…she did catch them kissing. But now, it was as if she didn’t trust her enough to tuck him into bed. “Was what we did so wrong, mom? Is it wrong that we care about each other…that we found a special connection between us?” she whispered. “Is it so wrong that for the first time since everything happened…Justin has opened up to somebody…even if that somebody is me?”

Her mother’s gaze remained stern. “This isn’t the time to discuss this. Please…just go.”

Sheridan nodded a little. She figured there was no sense in arguing with her mother anymore. The fact of the matter was, Justin needed to get into bed, and her mother wasn’t going to give in. With a reluctant sigh she turned on her heel and started away.

“Sheridan,” Justin called out.

She stopped. “Yes,” she said.

“I’m sorry.”

Sheridan was confused. She turned around to face him. “Sorry?” she whispered.

He looked at Karen and then back at her. “I’m sorry that everything went down this way. I never meant to make you two fight.” He shook his head sadly, and rubbed his face with his hand. “I just care about you, Sher.”

“Justin…” her mother sighed.

“I do, Karen,” he whispered. “I can’t control it…I just…I care about her. And in here,” he pointed to his chest. “In my heart, I know its not just some temporary thing. Please don’t tear us apart, Karen. Not now…not when we’ve just realized the connection between us. Please let us try this.”

Sheridan held her breath. Any moment now, she knew her mother was going to lose her patience and start ranting and raving as to why a relationship was a terrible idea. Then she would haul Justin away, and the conversation would be over with.

“You feel you can handle the responsibilities of a relationship, on top of your chores and your therapy?” her mother asked him. “Because if I agree to let you do this Justin, nothing is going to change. The therapy is going be just as intense as it is now, and the work is still going to be hard.”

“I’m in the music business,” Justin smiled. “Multi tasking is my specialty.”

“You’ll have to talk to your mother about all of this first, Justin,” her mother stated, eyeing Sheridan quickly. “I can’t agree to anything unless she’s okay with it.”

“Thank you.” Justin pulled her down to him, and pecked her on the cheek. “I won’t mess this up, Karen.”

“Mmmhmm,” she groaned. “Now into bed.”

“Can Sheridan do it?” he asked.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Go on, I’ll meet you in a few minutes to give you your bath.” She motioned for him to leave the room.

Justin rolled forward, and glanced back at Sheridan quickly. “Goodnight,” he smiled.

“Goodnight,” she managed. Once he was safely out of earshot, she met her mother’s gaze again. “Mom…” she stated, in a shocked tone. “Why?”

Her mother glared at her. “I’m doing this for his well being Sheridan. Not for some crazy sex fantasy that you‘ve conjured up,” she muttered. “Just be forewarned, if you point one foot out of line…you’re going back to New York.”

Sheridan bit her bottom lip. “You’d send me away mom?“

“I will send away anybody that interferes with my patient’s therapy.“ She glared at her once more before storming away.

For a moment, Sheridan considered not following her. She thought maybe…if she let her mother think what she wanted about her, and simply enjoyed her new relationship with Justin, she would be fine. But then she remembered what it felt like before…when her father died…when her mother made her feel like scum. She remembered crying so hard, that she would vomit because of it. She remembered all the weight she lost.

She wouldn’t let her mother do it to her again.

“Mom!” she yelled, running into the adjoining room. Her mother was seated on one of the overstuffed chairs, her eyes closed. “Mom…” she got out. “I…I won’t let you do this again.”

Her mother’s eyes snapped open, and she gasped. “Sheridan?”

“I won’t let you make me feel bad about this…like you made me feel when daddy died.” she whispered. “I-I won’t.” She felt a tear slide down her face, and she quickly flicked it away.

Her mother rose out of the chair a moment later. She had a guilty sort of expression on her face, and Sheridan didn’t know what to think. “Sherry,” she said, coming closer to her. “I would never do that to you again.” She pulled Sheridan close to her and wrapped her arms around her. “I love you more than anything in this world, and I only want the best thing for you, and your life. Please know that baby.”

“I care about him mom,” Sheridan said, her voice quivering slightly. “Please don’t hate me.”

“I could never,” her mother whispered. “I’m just afraid for you honey. I know having a relationship with Justin is a new, exciting thing. I just want you to realize what a big responsibility it is to have a relationship with somebody in his condition. Sometimes, he’ll need you more than you need him…and I don’t want either of you to get hurt if something happens.”

“But its not like that,” she said, pulling away from her mother. “I mean, half the time I don’t even remember he’s in that damn chair. He’s so normal, and laid back…” She sucked in a breath. “I can talk to him, mom. I‘ve never been able to talk to anybody like I talk to him. And I think he feels the same way about me.”

“I know,” her mother nodded. “And I think that’s what scares me. But if you two want to do this, it’s not my place to intervene. Of course, we’ll have to make some changes. You’ll have to intern elsewhere…and I know you understand why.”

Sheridan nodded. Of course she understood. It had been one of things holding her back from being with Justin in the beginning. “Yes.”

“Hey!” Justin’s voice echoed from somewhere down the hall. “I’m half naked here!”

Sheridan laughed out loud. “I think that’s your call, mom.”

“We’ll talk more tomorrow,“ her mother smiled, and kissed her forehead lightly. “Goodnight, Sheridan.” She rose from the sofa. “Patience is a virtue, Justin!,” she called out, before exiting the room.

Sheridan smiled, feeling as if a huge burden had just been lifted from her shoulders. Her mother accepted the situation. No, she may not have been totally thrilled…but still, she accepted it, and that was good enough. Of course, the trouble wouldn’t end tonight. Justin still had his mother to deal with.

And Sheridan knew that it wasn’t going to be an easy thing for him to get around.

*************

For as long as he could remember, his mother was always the one he turned to for everything. Love…guidance…and support. But today, he knew he wasn’t going to get any of that from her. He had done the one thing that she requested he not do…bring his relationship with Sheridan to the next level. He felt badly about going against his mother, she had enough on her plate as it was. But at the same time, a small part of him didn’t care. Sheridan was making him happy. The happiest he had been since Trace died. He knew his mother wasn’t going to accept his feelings for her. In fact, she would probably resent Sheridan for ‘taking advantage’ of him. But it was his life wasn’t it? Yes it was.

And it was time he started living it again.

“You scared?”

He looked up at her. Sheridan’s eyes were wide, intense, and full of fear. He didn’t know why. She wasn’t the one who had to deal with his mother. He was. He shrugged. “Maybe,” Justin whispered.

Sheridan nodded, and looked down at the floor. “Maybe we should just forget this.”

“Don’t start that again,” Justin muttered. “We’ve been there and back. Now we’re here…we care about each other, and we both know being in this relationship is the right thing to do. I’m not going to let my mother’s opinion tear us apart again, Sheridan. And you shouldn’t either.”

“I don’t want to be the cause of family turmoil,” Sheridan confessed. “You haven’t seen your mother face to face since you arrived here. Think about how much tension there will be between you when she comes for her visit.”

Justin laughed a little, and picked up the portable phone that rested at Sheridan’s side. “I can deal with my mother. It’s your mother that worries me.” So he was nervous. Really nervous. He wouldn’t let onto it though. He wanted to be strong in Sheridan’s eyes. He wanted to make her believe that this relationship was going to survive, no matter what. With a slightly trembling hand, he dialed his mother’s number, and held the phone up to his ear. After several rings, he heard somebody pick up.

“Hello?”

Even though the voice was feminine, Justin was certain it wasn’t his mother‘s. This voice was more high pitched, and soft. “Um hey, this is Justin…is my mom around?”

“Oh…hello Justin,” the woman replied. “This is Belinda.”

Justin felt his breath catch in his throat. Trace’s mother. Why did she have to be there today out of all days? He didn’t want to think about Trace, or anybody else that had to do with him at the moment. The only thing he wanted to be focused on was getting his mother to believe that he was making the right decision. “Oh…hey,” he managed to say after a moment. He looked at Sheridan. She wasn’t paying attention. “Um, how have you been?”

“Oh, you know,” Belinda replied softly. “One day at a time.”

His heart sunk. The guilt was back again, as strong as ever.

“Your mother tells me that you’re therapy has been going well.”

Belinda’s voice snapped him out of the memory. “Yes,” he said, looking at Sheridan again. This time she was paying attention, and he shot her a reassuring smile. “It’s been going very well.”

“That’s good to know,” Belinda replied. “Soon, you’ll be better, and back where you belong. Trace…he would be proud of you for coming so far.”

He heard what sounded like a small sob come over the line. She was crying. She was crying and it was all his fault. He drew in a long breath, not wanting to lose control of himself before he got the chance to speak with his mother. “I-I know he would,” Justin managed.

“Here comes your momma now,” she said softly. “You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered. “Tell the family hello for me.”

“I will sweetheart,” Belinda said. “Goodbye.”

“Are you okay?” Sheridan whispered.

“Trace’s mom,” he told her quietly.

Sheridan frowned, and she looked away from him. “Oh.”

After a moment, his mother’s voice came on the line. “Justin?”

“Hi mom,” he half smiled. “How are you?”

He heard her smile. “Better now that you’re on the phone with me. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you for a few more days.”

“Yeah…” he got out. He was scared. He had no idea how he was supposed to come out and tell his mother that he wanted to be with Sheridan, because he knew how she would react. She would be angry with him. She wouldn’t understand. He didn’t need any more pressure. But he knew he had to say something. He couldn’t hide this from his mother…just like Sheridan couldn’t hide it from her own mother. “I…I need to talk to you mom. That’s why I’m calling.” He glanced at Sheridan. She rose out of the chair she was sitting in, and walked past him out of the room. He almost wanted to call out and tell her to come back, but then he realized that it was for the best.

She didn’t need to stick around for the grueling conversation that was about to take place.

“You can always talk to me baby. You know that.”

“I…okay…” he said, letting out a long sigh. “Just promise me one thing.”

“Anything,” she replied, lovingly.

“You have to promise that you’ll listen to me until I’m finished talking.”

“Is everything okay, Justin?” she questioned. “You sound so…on edge.”

“Mom,” he said, with more force. “Just promise me.”

She was silent for a moment. “Okay, Justin…I promise.”

He let out a relieved sigh, knowing he had just gotten over the first hurdle. “Okay…the past few days have been a little different mom. Sheridan and I--we realized that we have a connection. Not just a friendship connection, but a serious one. And the other day…yesterday to be exact…we kissed, and it was just so…amazing. I haven’t felt this way in such a long time, and I want to be with her mom. I want to be with Sheridan.”

Silence.

Justin bit his bottom lip, and waited for a response from his mother. For a moment, he thought she might have hung up on him, but then he heard what sounded like a cough, and knew she was still there. “Momma?”

“You want to be with Sheridan,” Lynn stated.

“Yes I do.”

“Justin,” she began, seemingly trying to hold her anger back. “What did we discuss?”

“Mom, look…I know what we talked about. I know I told you I wouldn’t take this to another level. But…I thought…we both thought we could hold our feelings back. I mean, it worked for awhile, but we can’t lie to ourselves anymore mom. We like each other. And we want to give this relationship a chance.”

“This relationship?” Lynn scoffed. “You call this a relationship Justin? She wants you for your money…and you want her because she’s the only one that’s around.”

Justin grit his teeth. “That’s not true,” he whispered. “You don’t know her.”

“I know her type, Justin.”

“Her mother has money…she doesn’t need mine,” Justin provided. “She wants to be with me for me mom. I know she does.”

More silence.

“Mom?”

“Well what? Am I supposed to break down and accept this because you seem to think it’s the right thing to do, Justin? Well…I’m not accepting anything. Trace is gone, you‘re in that chair, and you need to focus on getting past it all. This girl, she isn‘t anything but a nuisance…a distraction. You don‘t need it.”

His mother’s words stung him. He cringed, and for a moment, he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. “Momma…”

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I…I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn‘t thinking.”

He was angry now. Angry that she rubbed everything that happened in his face. She was his mother. She was supposed to support him, and be there for him no matter what. But she wasn’t. She didn’t seem to care an ounce for his feelings. “This is how you’re gonna treat me momma…after everything else?”

“Justin, please try to understand my position. I lost my head for a moment.”

“No!” he yelled. “You’re…you’re not allowed to do this to me! You’re supposed to understand it all…Trace…this fucking wheelchair…you’re supposed to understand Sheridan. You’re supposed to say it’s okay to have feelings for her, momma.” He rubbed a hand over his head and down the back of his neck. “You’re supposed to.”

“I can’t let you be distracted.”

“Yeah?” he grunted. “Well…I don’t really care what you think.”

“Who else do you have right now Justin? Who else is going to put up with you when you become stubborn and impossible? Sheridan? Oh sure, it’ll be okay at first, but after awhile she’s going to get sick of it. She’s not going to think dating you is worth all of that.”

“She’s already been there,” he mumbled. “She’s used to me.”

“This isn’t a good idea, honey. I know you can’t understand that right now, but please believe me when I tell you that I’m right.”

“But you’re not right,” he told her. “You can’t be, because you don’t know her. Hell, momma, I don’t even know if you know me anymore. You left me here, alone…you should be happy that I’ve bonded with somebody I don’t know, after everything I’ve been through.”

“You can’t focus on yourself, and a woman at the same time, Justin. I know you…I know how you treat a woman when you care about her. You never put yourself first. You can’t afford to do that right now. Can’t you just wait?”

“Wait,” he laughed. “Wait for what, mom?”

“Until you can walk again,” Lynn whispered.

“I can’t wait that long,” he replied. “Who knows if it’ll ever happen.”

“Maybe…maybe I should just bring you home,” Lynn reasoned. “Then you won’t be distracted by this girl.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he stated.

“Okay, Justin. It’s your life,” Lynn mumbled. “I’ll just stay out of it for now, I guess. That is, until you realize the mistake you‘ve made.”

He let out a sad laugh. “I’m not making a mistake. I know how I feel, and I know that Sheridan isn’t like the other girls I’ve dated. She’s not into me because of my money, or because of who I am or who I know. She’s sees me for who I am…Justin, and only Justin. Can’t you please open your eyes a little, and try to see that too?”

“No,” Lynn whispered. “I can’t. If you’re happy, then that’s wonderful…but I’m not about to accept this relationship, so don’t expect me to.”

“I understand,” he managed.

“I love you Justin,” Lynn sighed. “Remember that.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but found that he couldn‘t get the phrase out. He couldn‘t tell her he loved her. “Okay,” was all he could get out. He felt sick. That never happened before. Normally, he was the first one to say the words. He was frightened.

What happened to the wonderful bond he shared with his mother?

“We’ll talk soon,” Lynn spoke up. “Take care of yourself, Justin..”

“Yeah.” He hung up, before she could get another word in.

In the past he would have cried. But this time it was different. Something inside him was telling him not to care…that she didn’t matter…that she couldn’t understand him now that he was here and she was back home. He was a different person now. He felt that if his mother came up for a visit, she wouldn’t even know him anymore. It was hard for him to come to terms with all of this, because before everything happened, his mother had been the only woman in his life that he truly cared about.

Now she was just another face…another person. Like some random friend he met up with once in awhile.

“Justin?”

He glanced over his shoulder. Sheridan was peeking her head in the doorway. He smiled a little. “Hey.”

“What happened?”

He shrugged. “Who cares,” he whispered. He held a hand out to her. “C’mere.”

She obeyed, and swaggered over to him. “Who cares?” she laughed. “Justin…this is your mother. I think you should care what she thinks.”

He pulled her down toward him. “Just…don’t worry about it for now Sheridan. It’s been a long couple of days. Can’t we just be together right now?” He caressed her face with his hand. “Just you and me?”

She nodded. “Sure.”

“Close the door,” he told her, letting go of her hand. “And lock it.”

“Lock it?,” she giggled, making her way over to the door. “Why?”

“So mother dearest can’t come in,” he winked.

She raised and lowered her eyebrows. “And why wouldn’t we want her to come in?”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Sher,” he whispered. “Just lock the door.”

She hesitated for a moment, and then pushed the lock in. “Now what?”

She seemed nervous. Justin didn’t understand. She was never nervous around him before, really…unless you counted the bath. But that was a totally different situation. They barely knew each other then. Now they knew each other well. Sheridan should have been comfortable being locked in a room with him. “Are you nervous or something?” he finally asked.

She slowly walked back over to him. “A little bit,” she said quickly. “But, only because this you and me stuff is kinda new to me.”

He smiled. “It’s just me. I mean, I know I’m a freak and all…but…”

“Stop,” Sheridan said. “No degrading yourself in here…or else I’ll unlock the door.”

“Are you threatening me?,” he laughed.

“Maybe.”

“Let’s go sit on the floor over there.” He pointed to a spot in the corner of the room.. “We can talk for awhile.”

“You‘re sure that‘s all you‘ve got in mind, Mr. Timberlake?” she asked him, her eyes glinting with mischief.

He winked at her, and smiled. “Maybe, Ms. Williams. But then again…” He kissed her softly. “…I’ve got a pretty wild imagination.”

“Nursie? Oh, nursie, dear…”

Sheridan nearly made it past Mrs. Opositals room.

“Nursie!”

Nearly was the operative word here. She sighed and backed up two steps, forcing a cheery grin for her charge.

“There you are.” Mrs. Oposital beckoned with one wizened finger. When she smiled the skin around her eyes formed chasms as deep as an archeological dig.

“Mrs. Oposital, I have to finish my rounds.” Sheridan spoke slowly and softly as if addressing a small child.

“Ohhh, I need my backrub.”

Sheridan pressed her lips together and entered the hospital room. “You already had your backrub today, Mrs. O-”

“Call me Sadie.” The old woman’s eyes were bright and expectant. She leaned forward and Sheridan could see her bony shoulders shift beneath her thin hospital gown.

“Alright, just for a minute and then I have to go.” She placed her palms against Mrs. O’s shoulder blades and kneaded them in a gentle circular motion.

“That’s so nice, nursie.” The woman closed her eyes. “So nice.”

Sheridan knew if she kept at this long enough, Mrs. O would soon be asleep, which would not be what the doctor ordered, so to speak. The woman was recovering from a broken hip. Her therapy was due to start in an hour and if she was groggy she wouldn’t be cooperative. Not that she was anyway. She would much rather be catered to and pampered than work at helping the healing process along.

Sheridan continued the massage, cutting Mrs. O some slack. The woman was eighty-two years old. Eighty-two. God, what was that like? She shook her head not being able to imagine her life past the next week much less decades from now.

It had been only four days since Sheridan started interning and Maylor General. The transition had gone much smoother than she imagined. Already she was beginning to relate to her patients on a more personal level. She knew their names, where they were from. Slowly she was learning about those who were important to them: daughters, sisters, husbands, sons, loved ones whose presence were as important as the physical therapy to make these people well. Sheridan’s life had entered a new phase. She was involved with her patients, with the intensity of hospital life.

And, when she was involved, she hardly thought about Justin at all.

It wasn’t a conscious decision to put him out of her mind. On the contrary, he was all she thought about on the drive here in the morning. But as soon as she stepped into the sterile white walled environment, she became a different person.

Mrs. O slumped forward and snored. Sheridan gently eased her back against her pillows and stepped quickly and silently out of the room. She walked past the nurses station, nodding at Gail and Ed, two interns who were just getting off duty from the night shift. They threw her weary smile and shuffled slowly out the door of the building. As they did, they clasped hands. Sheridan turned away, the small display of affection embarrassing her somehow. Why? Because it was normal, easy? Unlike her own situation, which was somewhat unique. What would Gail and Ed think of her smooching with Justin Timberlake, the world famous entertainer, on the tile floor next to the rehabilitation pool. That was anything but normal.

She continued on her rounds and peeked in to Mr. Martino’s room. He was sitting up, scarfing down his hospital lunch like it was the most succulent meal in the world. He stopped eating when he saw her then threw her a wink and a wave. After setting his fork down, he hitched a thumb proudly toward the woman seated beside his bed. That was Mary, the wife. If visiting hours were twenty four hours a day, this woman would be here twenty five. They had been married for forty-two years and, obviously, still very much in love. She watched them from the doorway. Mary dabbed at his chin with the napkin. He stopped her by grasping her hands and kissing them.

Sheridan blushed and turned away, then gasped. In her mind those blue eyes were staring at her, melting her resolve to maintain her professional composure. The thought of Justin was so sudden and unexpected, she almost burst into tears. Swallowing hard, she blinked the moisture from her eyes, checked Mr. Martino’s chart, gave him his pills and left the room. She felt a pang of guilt at not lingering to chat as she normally did but her emotions were as taut as over wound violin strings. She exited the room then ducked into the ladies room, sat on the closed lid of the toilet and shut the stall door. Staring at the white tiled floor, she breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. She wanted to analyze her reaction to the Martino’s affection towards each other. She closed her eyes, and felt her self tremble a little. She knew she was scared, she couldn’t picture herself with Justin in thirty years…hell, she wasn’t even sure if she could picture herself with him in five. The thought made her queasy inside. She cared about Justin. She cared about him a lot. Her feelings for him were the very reason she was here in the hospital, instead of home helping him with his therapy.

But if that was the case why was she so scared? What was holding her back from truly opening up her heart and mind to this relationship? She knew it was partially from the fear of Justin getting well again and leaving her…but at the same time she knew that it wasn’t the whole reason. Her lack of inexperience with men in general was a big part of her insecurity as well. How was she supposed to satisfy Justin, who was used to dating women with experience and knowledge about relationships and…sex? She couldn’t. Of course he didn’t know this yet…but he would find out in time.

The queasy feeling inside of her became more intense, and she nearly gagged. She jumped up from the toilet and threw the lid open, leaning on the sides of it for support. She waited, coughed a few times, but nothing came up. It didn’t surprise her. The lame Egg McMuffin and coffee she scarfed before coming to work this morning had long since digested. It was a good thing. She didn’t need to be getting sick when she was supposed to be tending to the sick. With a sigh she straightened herself and pushed her way out of the stall. She quickly splashed some water on her face before rejoining the outside world again. She took in a breath. Calm…she needed to be calm and get through the rest of the day.

Her eyes widened and she gasped a little, thinking one of the head nurses had noticed her sudden disappearance. She hoped she wasn’t in any kind of trouble. She knew her mother would be furious if she got reprimanded her first week on the job. She quickly made her way to the nurses station, barely breathing the entire time. “Yes,” she managed to say to the young nurse seated at the desk.

“You have a call,” the nurse informed her, with a disapproving frown that reminded her of one her mother would make from time to time. “We don’t usually condone this sort of thing with our interns…but he seemed pretty adamant that he speak with you right away.” She pointed to the phone that rested beside her, and turned back to her papers. “Make it quick, Sheridan.”

Justin. It had to be. She let out a nearly inaudible groan, cursing herself for giving him the number of where she would be. Her mother told her not to of course, but she hadn’t been able to control the urge. The first morning she had left for the hospital was hard on Justin. He wasn’t used to her leaving for long periods of time, and protested the idea by blocking her path to the door. Even though it was sort of a childish thing for him to be doing, Sheridan hadn’t been able to help but feel sorry for him. She gave him the number in hopes that it would only reassure him that she cared, and would be thinking about him…she hadn’t expected that he would get the nerve to call. She picked up the phone. “Justin,” she whined. “I really can’t talk right now.” She glanced at the nurse again, only to find that she was watching her intently. She turned away from her, in hopes that it would make her mind her own business.

“Sorry girl,” the voice laughed. “I just wanted to say hey since it’s been a while.”

Her heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t Justin. Instead, it was the last person she ever thought would track her down.

“I-I can let you go if you‘re busy.”

Say something!, her mind screamed at her. “No…” she managed. “Juan, I’m sorry…I was just a little surprised.”

“Sorry if I scared you,” he chuckled lightly. “How the hell are ya Sheridan?”

She felt a chill pass through her, and then realized she had no idea how he could have figured out she was here. Yes, she had given him her home number but she was certain that he wouldn’t call…and even if he did she knew hell would freeze over before her mother would let one of her friends call her at work. “How did you…”

He cut her off. “Know you were there?”

She nodded, but realizing she was on the phone she quickly blurted out, “Yea.”

“You think I’m a stalker, huh?”

“Oh no no…it’s not that it’s just…”

“I followed you, and got the hospital number from information,” he explained. “You think you’re the only one that enjoys Egg McMuffins in the morning, Sheridan? ”

She smiled a little. She remembered some jackass in the drive through line blaring their horn at her. But she was in such a rush to get to the hospital, she hadn’t taken the time to look and see who was causing the commotion. “That was you beeping at me this morning?” she giggled.

“Oh so you did see me?”

“Well not exactly…”

“Ignoring me now eh?” he said, mockingly. “I’m hurt Sher…truly. After our little heart to heart and all…damn.”

“Juan,” Sheridan laughed. “I was in a hurry, and I deeply apologize…if I had known…”

He cut her off again. “You know what you have to do now don’t you?”

There was a hint of mischief in his voice, and Sheridan wasn’t sure what he was getting at. “What?”

“You have to eat lunch with me.”

She closed her eyes. His timing couldn’t have been worse. Before it had been okay to hang out with him…she hadn’t fulfilled her commitment to Justin then. But now they were together, and she was sure Justin wouldn’t be too thrilled if he knew she was eating lunch with some guy she had…made out with, and still kind of liked. “Oh…um…Juan, I don’t want to sound like a snot. I just don’t think it’s the best idea.”

“But you have to. You skipped out on breakfast and now you owe me.”

“You don’t understand…”

“Look, I’m sitting out here all alone, and frankly…I’m fuckin’ starving. So could you please just forget about whatever insecurities you’re feelin’ right now and say you’ll go eat something with me? I hate eating alone,” he paused and Sheridan was sure she could hear him take a sip of something. “Makes me feel like a loser.”

Her eyes widened. “Wait a sec…you’re outside?”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “Thought I would surprise you.”

The cautious part of her was telling her something didn’t seem right about him following her to work, and waiting for her outside. But the other part of her…the part that trusted Juan…didn’t care. Tired of worrying so much, she decided to let that part take over. It was easier. “I didn’t think you’d be in town for awhile.”

“Oh I haven’t been,” he supplied. “I just got back from New York last night actually. I meant to call you, and I know I was a jerk for not doing it. I was just so damn busy…I hope you‘re not too pissed.”

She felt herself blush. She felt like an idiot for thinking he didn‘t care enough to call. From the moment she met him, Sheridan knew Juan wasn‘t like most of the guys she had met in the past. She was sure he wasn‘t the type to forget about somebody he was friends with. “No I’m not mad Juan…I figured you just got caught up with work and stuff.” She paused for a moment, and took a deep breath before speaking again. “Well…I guess I can’t turn you down, since you’re out there. I get off in about an hour if you want to meet up someplace.”

“Cool. There’s this little diner down the road…Sullivan’s. You know it?”

She shrugged. “I’m sure I can find it.”

She heard him smile. “Great…it’s pretty small, I’m sure you won’t have trouble spotting me. See you there.”

“Bye.” She hung up. This was wrong. Justin…what was she doing to Justin? Why couldn’t she have simply told Juan no, hung up and gotten on with her day? True, he barely let her get a word in as it was but Sheridan knew she could have persisted and gotten her way. She frowned…

She wanted to see him. And that was why she had let him get the best of her. She needed to tell him, no…she had to tell him that she was with Justin now. She hoped he wouldn’t take the news hard, but she didn’t know why she was worried that he would. After all, he was the one who told her to go for it with Justin in the first place. She smiled a little. Maybe he would understand…maybe he would even be happy for her. They had only kissed after all…Juan didn’t know her like Justin knew her…he couldn’t get inside her brain like Justin could.

He’d come pretty damn close the last time she’d seen him though.

“Sheridan,” the nurse spoke up. “There are patients that need tending to.”

She glanced at the nurse quickly and nodded. “Yes ma’am. Sorry.” She hurried away, and pushed a cart full of dirty bedpans into the wash room before the nurse could bark anymore orders at her. She wanted to help the patients of course, but right now the only thing she could think about was Juan, and what was going to happen at their lucheon. She didn’t think she could handle a talkative patient the right way with all of these crazy thoughts running through her mind. With a sigh she dumped part of the load into the sink and turned the faucet on, beginning to wash the load of bedpans in front of her.

“Nobody likes a cheater…” the voice hissed in her ear. “You know that don’t you?”

She dropped the bedpan she was holding and whirled around. “Who’s there?”

There was no answer. She shook her head, and turned back around. For a few minutes, everything seemed normal. Sheridan convinced herself she was hearing things again, and made a silent note to talk to her mother about it later. Then the crash came, like a huge thunderclap bursting across the room. Sheridan let out a little scream, and whirled around. The rest of the bedpans had been flung from the cart, and were scattered all over the floor. “What the--” she whispered. It wasn’t possible that the cart could have done that on its own. It would have had to move on its own…

But that was silly. Carts didn’t move on their own.…not like that. Surely something must have gotten loose…a screw, yes…that’s what it was. She laughed a little, before bending down to tidy up the mess.

Then she heard it again.

“Girls that cheat turn into whores,” the voice grumbled. “Are you a whore, Sheridan?”

Startled, she stumbled backwards and landed on the floor. She let out a small moan, and swallowed hard. “What do you want?,” she asked, sure that she wasn’t hearing voices now. “Leave me alone!”

But just as before, there was no reply.

*********

Juan was right when he said Sullivan’s was a small place. In fact, if you weren’t looking out for it you would probably miss the place all together. It was one of those hole in the wall diners that was always packed no matter what time of day it was. It reminded Sheridan of one of the many street corner diners that inhabited New York City. It was comforting, and for a moment she almost wished she were back there, watching Marcy devour a gigantic cheeseburger while she picked at her garden salad.

“Hey you.”

Sheridan snapped out of her daze just in time to spot Juan sitting at a booth in the far corner of the diner. His smile was wide, and he motioned for her to join him. She noticed he was dressed in the same t-shirt, jeans, and baseball cap trio she’d seen him in the last time he was in town. It seemed to fit nicely with his persona though, and she smiled, loving the simplicity about him. She knew he probably only had four or five different outfits that he rotated through on a weekly basis. She wondered if Justin was that way when he was at home, but knew if he chose to clean out stables in Versace jeans then there was probably no chance that he had fewer than a hundred different outfits in his wardrobe. She reached Juan, and with a small wave, she slid into the seat adjacent from him. “Hey.”

“I ordered us some cheese fries to start,” he said. “I hope you like cheese fries.”

“Love em,” she smiled. “So how are things going? How was the city?”

“It was the city,” Juan nodded. “You know…work…more work. Had some wild parties though. I wish you could have been there girl, we would have had a blast together.” He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and began to smack them against his hand. “You don’t mind if I smoke do you?”

She frowned. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“Oh,” he shrugged. “Yeah…I know it’s a bad habit, but it’s something I got myself caught up in. I can wait until after we’re through if you want.”

“If you don’t mind,” Sheridan said. In her opinion, cigarette smoking was disgusting, and it was even more disgusting to have somebody blowing smoke into your face when you were with them. “It irritates me.”

He smiled and shoved the pack back into his pocket. “Hope I didn’t offend you.”

“Not at all.”

“Are you ready to order?”

Sheridan looked up into the waitresses blank expression, and half smiled. “Well…” She looked at Juan for approval.

“I’m not ready yet,” he told her.

“We’ll wait until after we eat our cheese fries,” she informed the waitress.

The waitress cocked her head to the side. “Cheese fries?”

Sheridan gave her a dumb look. “Yeah.”

“O-kay,” she replied, scribbling something down on her pad. “They’ll be right up.” She turned on her heel quickly, and walked away.

Juan laughed heartily. “She must be stressed.”

Sheridan shrugged, and smiled at him. “Guess so.”

Juan took a sugar packet from the small holder that rested next to the window and began to flap it back and forth. He leaned forward a little. “So what have you been up to, girl?”

If she ever had a chance to tell Juan about Justin, it was now. She didn’t want to…she didn’t want to break the light conversation they were having, but she knew she had to say something. She didn’t want to lead him on, or give him the idea that she wanted to have anything more than a friendship with him. “A lot actually.” She brought her glass of water to her lips, and began to take a sip.

“Ah,” he smiled. “So things with that guy worked out, huh?”

Hearing his response, her eyes widened and she nearly choked on the mouthful of water in her mouth.

“Whoa Sher,” Juan snickered. “Calm down.”

After a moment she managed to swallow without incident. The fact that Juan knew exactly what was going on in her life totally shocked her. Actually, it shocked her that he even remembered the conversation they shared on the beach that day. She didn’t think he had the time or the reason to think about any conversation that took place between them. “I…”

“Look, Sheridan. I’m not the type to go off on business and forget about one of my friends…and you’re one of my friends. I actually thought about you a lot when I was away, and I was hoping things would work out for you. From how you acted that day we talked, I could tell that this guy means a lot to you.” He smiled a little, and ripped the packet of sugar open. “And I guess they have…am I right?”

Sheridan nodded. “Yes,” she managed. “What you said that day…I guess it proved to me there was no reason to be afraid anymore. I felt something, and I just…I did it. And I want to thank you for being there that day, Juan. I really needed somebody to show me that things were going to be okay.”

“Hey,” he shrugged, spilling the sugar into his mouth. “What the hell are friends for if you can’t get good advice from them, right?”

The waitress returned with their cheese fries just then, and Sheridan realized she hadn’t even begun to survey her menu yet.

“Have you decided?,“ the waitress asked.

She looked at Juan. “What’s good here?” she asked him.

“Cheeseburger,” he nodded. “It‘s the bomb, fo sheezy.”

Fo sheezy. It was something Justin said often, when something intrigued him. Up until now, she figured it was simply some made up saying he pulled from his subconscious. But now she felt like she was living under a rock. If Juan said it…it must have been one of those phrases like ‘phat’ or ‘bitchin’. She felt like an old timer, not knowing this saying was something young people used in every day conversation. She made a silent note to herself to have a long discussion with Marcy about it during their next phone conversation.

“Well…” the waitress spoke up. “Our blue plate is Turkey and mashed potatoes. But a lot of the kids come here for our burgers. If it were me, I’d go with the cheeseburger deluxe. It comes with fries, and a pickle.”

“There’s two votes,” Juan said. “You have to order it now, girl.”

“Fo sheezy,” she said with a smile. Justin would be proud. “I’ll have that…make it two I guess, with a couple of Cokes.” She glanced at Juan. “Right?”

He opened up another sugar packet. “Sure.”

“Two?” the waitress asked, with a slightly confused expression. “You can handle all that?”

Sheridan laughed at her. “Of course we can.”

She shrugged. “It’s your money,” she nodded, and left them again.

“So Justin huh…that’s the guys name?” Juan spoke up after downing another packet of sugar.

She nodded, and felt herself blush a little bit. “Yes.”

“And you thought I was him?,” he chuckled.

She laughed. “Well, he’s the only one that would call besides my mother. And my mother…I know she’d rather wait until I got home to tell me something, unless it was really major. But the nurse said ‘he was adamant that he needed to speak with you’…so I just figured. Justin…I know he would do that.”

“What, is this guy like obsessive or something?” Juan asked with a playful snicker. “Can’t be away from you for more than a few hours?”

“There’s more to it than that, Juan.” She wouldn’t meet his gaze as she said the words. “You don’t understand.”

He sat back and folded is hands behind his head. “So explain it to me.”

Sheridan shook her head vigorously. “I can’t.” It wasn’t that she was scared to tell him who Justin was…that wasn’t the case at all. It was the fact that up until now, Justin’s location had been kept concealed from the outside world…and Sheridan knew things had to remain that way if he was ever going to recover from all that happened to him.. She wanted to tell Juan, and she felt that she could without him blabbing about it. But then her mother’s voice of reason popped into her head, warning her that if she opened her mouth she was going to be on the next plane back to New York City.

“It’s just me, Sheridan,” Juan whispered. “I’m not gonna tell anybody your secret. You can trust me.”

She forced herself to meet his gaze. There was no playfullness apparent on his face. He was being honest…serious. “Justin is…” she began. “Justin isn’t just some guy.”

He nodded. “We’ve established that. He’s a god…a king among men right?”

She laughed. “He likes to think so sometimes.”

“Don’t worry,” he smiled. “It’s good for ‘im to think that way.” He stabbed into the mass of cheese fries with his fork, and shoved it into his mouth. “Mmm,” he groaned. “I love the cheese fries here.”

“No it’s not,” Sheridan defended. “I don’t want him getting all egotistical on me…I don’t want him to be like he was befo--” she stopped mid sentence, realizing that she was telling him too much. “Nevermind,“ she said, and began to dig into the fries herself.

“You need to stop keeping things from me, Sheridan. I’m your friend, and I’m here to help you.”

She looked up at him. “Why do you care so much?” It was an honest question. True, she was grateful for their heart to heart on the beach…but that conversation had been normal for the situation. Now he was prying into her life…he was trying to get her to tell him something that she didn’t think she could tell him. And she didn’t have a clue why.

He shrugged. “It’s fine. If you don’t want to talk about this, then don’t worry about it.”

Now she felt bad. She hated that she did, but she couldn’t help it. “Do you really want to know, Juan? I mean, I shouldn’t be telling you this…but I don’t want to make you feel like I’m pushing you aside all of a sudden.”

“You can tell me if you want…or you don’t have to tell me.” He popped another forkful of fries into his mouth. “I just want to talk to you…about whatever it is that’s on your mind. So, chill out girl, this isn’t going to affect my feelings toward you.”

“I’ll just tell you,” she blurted out. “I’ll just tell you now, because if I don’t it’s going to bother me forever.”

He laughed, and moved the fries around the plate with his fork. “Okay then.”

“Justin is--”

“Here you go,” the waitress said, cutting her speech short. She plopped two platters full of food on the table top, followed by two glasses of soda. “Anything else right now?”

Sheridan shot her a cold glance. “Not now,” she grumbled.

The waitress’ eyes widened, and she rushed away from the table without another word.

Juan slid his platter toward him, and picked up his pickle. “You were saying?”

Sheridan slapped a hand down on the table. “Justin Timberlake,” she stated.

“What about him?” Juan shrugged, crunching into his pickle.

Don’t tell him, Sheridan, her mother’s voice warned. Don’t you dare.

She disregarded her mother’s command. Her mother wasn’t here right now…the voice was simply her conscience trying to get the best of her. Without another moment of hesitation, she finally got the words out. “Justin Timberlake. That’s Justin…my Justin.”

“Ohhhh,” Juan said. “Now I get it.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. Juan could care less that she was dating Justin Timberlake. But she knew he wouldn’t have cared anyway…he worked in the same business as Justin, and he hung around with the same types of people that Justin did as well. There was no reason for him to be impressed, or overcome with emotion about what she just told him.

“So that’s the secret?” Juan asked after their laughter subsided.

Sheridan nodded. “I should have figured it wouldn’t matter to you…with your job and everything you‘re probably used to people like him.”

“Yeah,” he stroked his chin in thought for a moment. “We’ve hung out at the club a few times, actually. From what I can remember…he was a pretty cool guy, but he totally showed me up on the dance floor.” He paused to take a bite out of his burger, then continued. “It sucks what happened to him you know? Everything he worked so hard for just snatched out from under him like that.”

Sheridan looked down at her hands for a moment, before meeting his gaze again. “Yeah.”

“His friend too…fuckin’ sucks what happened to the guy, him dying and all.” He looked away from her just then. The playful, carefree presence about him seemed to suddenly disappear, and he seemed lost…confused.

“Juan,” Sheridan whispered. “What’s wrong.”

His smile reappeared as quickly as it had vanished. “Oh nothing.” He took a slurp of his soda.

She wasn’t convinced. “You sure?”

“They were close,” he told her.

Sheridan tilted her head to the side. “Who?”

“Justin and Trace.”

At the sound of Trace’s name, Sheridan’s eyes widened and she gasped a little bit. “I know…” she managed. “Justin doesn’t like to talk about him a lot.”

“Well it’s been rough on him,” Juan decided. “The guy lost his best friend.”

He was acting strange. He was starting to get into a subject that Sheridan was sure she didn’t feel comfortable talking about with him, even though he seemed to know more about Justin and his friend than he was letting on. She wondered just how well Juan knew Justin…and what kind of a role he played in his life. If it was a big role, Sheridan didn’t think Justin would be comfortable with her being here with Juan like she was right now. “A-Are you one of his close friends or something?” She asked him after a moment. “Because if you are…I just…I don’t know how Justin would feel about me being here with you. I haven‘t even met his mother yet, and he never really talks about a lot of the people in his life to me. Sure, he‘s mentioned a few people…but nobody really significant. Maybe…”she said, sliding to the edge of the seat. “I should just go.”

“No,” he smiled. “There’s no reason for you to do that. I know this sounds…weird or whatever, but Trace was a good friend of mine. I never really got to know Justin too well, and I definitely wouldn’t call him a friend. Actually, he probably wouldn’t know me if he fell over me.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You knew Trace?”

“Yea,” he nodded. “We hung out together a lot, when he wasn’t gallivanting all over the world with Justin.”

“But…Justin must have hung out with you a lot,” she stressed. “I mean, don’t get me wrong Juan…I know I don’t know everything about what he used to do before…all of this. But I do know that he and Trace were like brothers. They did everything together.”

“Like I said, the three us of did hang out together sometimes,” Juan explained. “But not nearly as much as Trace and I did by ourselves. You have to understand Sher, Justin used to have so many people wandering in and out of his life he could barely remember your name let alone what you looked like.”

“How did you guys meet?” She was curious now. Partially because never in a million years did she think Juan had any sort of connection to Justin, and also because he knew Trace…somebody she hadn’t even begun to understand or know. Justin wasn’t too keen on getting into the subject even now, and a part of her desperately wanted to find out more about him.

“We started running into each other at different places,” he nodded. “When you’re a PA…”

She cut him off. “PA?”

He laughed. “Personal assistant.”

She shrugged. “Okay.”

“Anyway…” he continued. “When you’re a PA you almost always get stuck sitting in hallways…waiting rooms…whatever. Waiting is an essential part of your job. So that’s where we’d meet up…sitting in some room together talking. It passed the time, and after a while we started to hang out when Justin wasn’t around. I think he needed to get away from all the hype surrounding him sometimes…it got kind of hectic for him I guess,” he shrugged. “That’s what he told me anyway.”

“Was he happy?” She found herself asking. She didn’t have a clue as to why she was so curious, all she knew was that she simply had to have an answer.

Juan looked her in the eyes, and seemed to think long and hard about something, before he responded. “I think he was,” he whispered. “I think sometimes he might have been overwhelmed, but at the end of the day I think he was happy just knowing that he was doing something extraordinary with his life.”

“Justin blames himself a lot,” Sheridan admitted. “He won’t tell me exactly what happened the night he had that accident, but he always says it’s his fault that Trace died,” she sighed heavily. “I hate asking you this, Juan…I mean really, it’s none of my business at all…” she trailed off. “God, what am I doing?” She rubbed her face with her hand, and shook her head. Asking Juan about the accident was wrong. It was going behind Justin’s back. She wanted to slap herself…what had gotten into her? One person said they knew Trace and immediately she was full of questions.

“Don’t say never mind,” Juan whispered. “Just ask me.”

She looked up at him again. “I shouldn’t.”

“You shouldn’t have told me you were dating him either, Sheridan,” he informed her.

She simply shrugged, and looked away from him. She couldn’t ask him, no matter how much he tried to make her. It simply wouldn’t be right.

“Look…” he began, sucking in a long breath. “From what I know, the night of the accident was way out of line before they even got into that car.”

He read her mind. He read her mind and it scared her. She shivered slightly. “I--that’s not what---”

He didn’t hear her. “You don’t think when you’re having fun…and then…you get fucked over in the end.” He looked off to the side, and motioned for who Sheridan guessed was the waitress, to come over.

“What are you saying, Juan?,“ Sheridan asked him.

“You all set?”

The waitress was back, and her timing couldn’t have been worse. Sheridan groaned, and finally looked over at her. “I guess so.” She pushed her plate away from her.

“Coffee?”

Sheridan looked at Juan, but he simply shook his head. “I’m good,” he replied.

“We’ll take the check,” Sheridan nodded.

The waitress glanced at Juan’s plate. “Couldn’t finish?”

“I’m gonna eat it later,” Juan said.

The waitress sighed, and looked back at Sheridan. “I‘ll wrap it up for you hun.” She picked up both plates, and with a bewildered look, left them alone again.

“Those cheese fries are too damn filling,” Juan complained. “I barely ate my burger.”

“Juan,” Sheridan spoke up, not wanting to stray away from their previous topic. “What were you saying before?”

He shrugged. “Don’t worry Sher,” he leaned forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s nothing important. It’s just me…being all sentimental and crap,” he laughed softly, and pulled away from her. “Promise me you won’t go and ask Justin about all of this though, okay? I’m sure he’s got enough stuff on his mind as it is.”

“I won’t,” she whispered.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Juan continued. “How’d y’all get together in the first place?”

Sheridan cleared her throat. “My mom is his physical therapist, and she has her own rehabilitation practice. His therapy requires him to live on the premises…that’s how it all started.”

“Oh so it’s one of those live away programs,” Juan nodded. “I’ve read about those…very state of the art. He’ll probably be better in no time at all.”

She didn’t smile. “We’re hoping.”

The waitress returned and planted the check and the bag of food on the table. “Try and have a good day,” she said sympathetically, before walking away again.

Sheridan was confused. “Try?”

Juan laughed, and threw enough money on the table to cover their tab. “That waitress is weird…I’ve had her before.”

“Oh good,” Sheridan smiled. “For a second I thought there was something wrong with me.”

“I didn’t say there wasn’t anything wrong with you,” Juan winked. “I just said--”

She reached across the table, and swatted him playfully. “Jerk.”

“But you love me.” Juan slid out of his seat, and stood up. “I have a couple of things I have to get done before the day is over, Sher.”

Sheridan nodded, figuring that this was where they would part ways. “It’s okay, I’m sure I’ll see you soon.”

He frowned. “Oh…you don’t want to come?”

“Come?”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I like to have a little company now and then.”

Sheridan looked at her watch. It was well past the time Justin expected her to walk through the door. She knew he was probably wondering where she was, and she certainly didn’t want him to have another episode. As much as she wanted to join Juan in whatever it was he was doing today, she knew she had other priorities. “I would love to…but I can’t,” she told him. “I need to get home, Justin will be wondering what’s happened to me. ”

“You’re right…you‘ve really got a man this time,” Juan sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Sheridan smiled, sliding out of her own seat. “Don’t be sorry…I’m glad we got to do this. You’re a great friend to have Juan, and I’m glad I met you.”

“Aww, now you’re makin’ me blush,” Juan laughed, and stepped closer to her. He opened his arms wide. “Well don’t just stand there, gimme a hug girl.”

She let him wrap his arms around her. Then she smelled it…Abercrombie cologne. It sent chills up her spine, and she pulled away from him quickly.

Juan didn’t seem phased by her sudden movement. “I’ll be in town for a little over a week. Maybe I’ll call you and we can do something.”

She wanted to say yes, but she didn’t have a clue what Justin would think of the situation…if she even told him about the situation. “I--”

“On second thought,” he interrupted her. “Justin probably wouldn’t like that idea.”

“I can talk to him,” she supplied.

Juan shook his head. “Not right now. Just…wait, okay?”

“But…”

“Not now,” he said, more firmly.

“O-okay,” she whispered.

“Okay.” He seemed to be relieved about something, but Sheridan didn’t have a clue what it was. “Let me walk you to your car.”

“But your food,” Sheridan pointed out.

“Eh,” Juan shrugged. “You take it…I’m sure Justin will want it.”

Sheridan smiled. Justin would kill for a burger, and Sheridan knew it would put his mind at ease about where she was all this time. She took the bag. “Thanks.”

“Sure.”

Sheridan followed him out of the restaurant, not being able to ignore the strange looks that were being given to her by the other people eating their lunch. It confused her. The waitress seemed to think she was strange as well. What had she done? She didn’t know.

“Take care of yourself, Sheridan,” Juan said, once they reached her car. “I’m sure I’ll talk to you at some point. You have my number…don‘t hesitate to call me if you need to talk to somebody.” He leaned down and pecked her on the cheek.

“I’ll call,” Sheridan said. She shivered. She was cold.

Juan furrowed his brow. “Hey…you okay?”

“Yeah,” she giggled. “Just a little cold.”

“Cold?” Juan asked. “In this heat?”

“I’m weird.” She unlocked her car door and opened it. “What can I say?”

“Don‘t play around,” he told her as she got into the car. “Get whatever that cold thing is checked out, okay?”

Sheridan smiled. It was something Justin would tell her to do. “I will.”

“Bye.”

She closed the door and started up her car. Wanting to wave to him one last time, she glanced out the window again.

But he was gone.

“Justin.”

His eyes opened a crack, and for the first time in a long time…Justin had no idea where he was. Maybe it was because he was still tired, or maybe it was because his vision was blurred from the fatigue…but he was sure he was in a hotel room someplace. What time was it? He knew it had to be early…work always came early when he stayed in hotel rooms. “Momma,” he groaned. “Get Chris up first.”

A familiar laugh rang through his ears just then, and Justin opened his eyes a little wider. His mother wasn’t standing there though…instead it was Sheridan, dressed and ready to take on the world. “Grumpy bear,” she giggled. “It’s me.”

He sat up, and rubbed his eyes. There was no hotel room now, only the familiar surroundings of his bedroom. He chuckled hoarsely and coughed a little before managing a “Good morning.”

“Do I really look like your mother, Justin?” Sheridan smiled, sitting down next to him on bed.

He smiled and studied her for a moment. “Aside from the hair color…no. I guess I was dreaming, or something…I dunno.” He reached up and smoothed his hand over her cheek, which caused her to smile at him. “You look great in the morning.”

Sheridan rolled her eyes. “Please…I look like Doctor Quinn.”

“Nah,” he whispered, pulling her close for a soft kiss. “Doctor Quinn doesn’t have any boobs.”

“Justin!” She swatted him playfully. “Leave my boobs out of this.”

“Well she doesn’t,” he nodded. “And why do I have to leave them out of it for? I think they deserve a part in this discussion.”

“Get your head out of the clouds, Timberlake,” Sheridan smiled. “There’s work to be done.”

“Where’s Karen?”

“Oh…I told her I‘d get you up today. The hospital called to tell me they were overstaffed, and they didn’t need me to come in today,” she raised and lowered her eyebrows. “So lucky you…you’re getting a sponge bath by yours truly this morning.” She got up from the bed and yanked Justin’s wheelchair over to his bedside.

“You’re serious?” he asked her, preparing himself for the move into his wheelchair. “You don’t have to leave today?”

“Nope. But I’m sure my mom’s got a whole list of stuff for me to do for her,” she sighed. “You want help?”

He shook his head. “Get out of it.” He reached up and grabbed onto the hand loops above his bed, and expertly slid himself into his chair. “Tell her you have to go someplace.”

“I can’t get out of it,” she grabbed onto his handlebars and pushed him out of the bedroom. “You know my mom…work comes first.”

“But…maybe she’ll…”

“Justin,” Sheridan interrupted. “Come on…you’ve been living under the same roof as my mother long enough to know how she works. Let’s just get the work part out of the way, and then maybe later we can have some time to ourselves.”

“I guess there’s no other way,” he decided. With an annoyed sigh, he sank a little deeper into his seat and closed his eyes.

This week had been hard on him. With Sheridan interning at the hospital, he had more time to dwell on everything that had happened to him. No, Trace didn’t come around, as promised…but everything else…the gnawing pain…the guilt…the horrible memories…they were all still there, ready to take him over at a moments notice. He didn’t let Karen catch on though. Although Sheridan helped him to release some of the pain inside of him…he still hadn’t forgotten how to conceal his pain when he desperately needed to. At times, the pain he felt was so intense, he nearly went insane if Sheridan didn’t walk through the door right on time. He didn’t mention this to her of course…he didn’t want to make her feel guilty about going to the hospital everyday. He knew it was what she wanted to do, and he also knew that if things were the other way around she would have done the same thing for him.

“Maybe mom will let us go to the movies or something tonight…that would be fun.” She rolled him into the bathing room, and parked him next to the bath chair. “I mean, if you feel like you want to.”

He brightened at the thought. Getting out would probably good for the both of them, he himself not having been out since the trip to LA a few weeks ago. “Yeah, Sher…that would be great.” He lifted his arms so she could pull his shirt over his head. “I really need to get out…I’m starting to feel like a hermit or something. A really short, dwarf like hermit.”

Sheridan laughed out loud. “You’re not that short.” She crouched down and pulled off his sweats and boxers, leaving him naked.

“In this chair I am.” He shivered a little, not used to the temperature change. Sheridan handed him a towel though, and he accepted it gratefully.

“That’s why…” she paused, and helped him onto the other chair. She secured him, and then continued with her speech. “You need to work on those bars as hard as you can….consistently.”

“You say it like it’s easy for me, Sher. You should have seen me yesterday…Karen didn’t tell you about it did she?”

She tilted her head to the side. “No…why?”

He sighed. He felt stupid admitting that he fell flat on his ass, and it had taken all of Karen’s strength to pull him to his feet again. He was supposed to be a man…Sheridan’s man. A man was supposed to be strong…not some weakling who fell to his knees every time he attempted to stand on his own two feet. “I fell,” he muttered. “And it took forever for your mother to get me up again…it was so damn humiliating.”

She frowned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because…I…I felt stupid yesterday. I didn’t want to think about it, and I made Karen promise not to say anything to you.” He looked into her eyes. “Didn’t you ever feel foolish before?”

She nodded. “Everybody feels foolish once in a while.”

“Every time I try that damn exercise I fail,” he nodded. “And it’s the one thing I need to conquer if I’m ever going to learn to walk again. Not being able to do it…it makes me feel like a fool. Before my accident, I never failed at anything I tried to do. I hate how my life turned out, Sher.”

She was silent for a moment. “What about us?”

“Sheridan,” he said, staring her straight in the eyes. “You know what I mean. I’m just saying…I wasn‘t cut out to be helpless.”

She reached into her bucket of soapy water and pulled out the sponge. “But your not helpless. You’d be able to do so much if you’d stop doubting yourself all the time…I wish you could see that. It’s not easy battling your condition, Justin…and you’ve come a long way since your accident. Give it time and try hard…you’ll make it,” she leaned down and kissed him before drenching him in soapy water. “I have faith in you. I know that somewhere inside you…there’s still that part of you that can do anything you put your mind to…just like before.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, and wiped the soap off of his face with the towel. “You know the first thing I’m gonna do if I ever get to walk again, Sher?”

She sighed. “What’s that?”

He opened his eyes again. “I’m gonna take a real shower for like two hours, no…better make it three.”

“Then I can call you prune man instead of grumpy bear.”

He winked at her. “And I’ll call you prune girl…since you’ll be in there with me.”

“Justin!”

He laughed heartily. “Don’t get mad.”

“I’m not mad,” she huffed. “I just…sex isn‘t a joke, that‘s all.”

Justin‘s smile faded after a moment. “I never said it was.”

She nodded, but Justin could tell that she was upset. Now that he thought about it, Sheridan never found any of the sexual jokes he cracked amusing. She always seemed to tense up and change the subject. For a guy as experienced with women as he was, it was apparent to him that Sheridan was a virgin. He didn’t hold this fact against her of course, and if things were different he would have asked her about it a long time ago. But since things were the way they were…he couldn’t bring himself to discuss the subject with her. He was as insecure about their relationship as she seemed to be at times , and he was sure if he said the wrong thing to her she would break up with him on the spot. “You okay?” he asked her after a moment, not knowing what else to say.

“Fine,” she said, with a forced smile. She finished washing him, and dropped the sponge back into the bucket. “Dry off…my mom wants you in therapy early today.” She handed him a dry towel.

He cocked his head to the side. “What about the horses?”

“I got it.”

“No,” he protested. “You shouldn’t have to do that…it’s my job.”

“I want you to work with my mom…I want you to take advantage of the great therapy she‘s putting you through,” Sheridan said seriously. “Justin…I don’t want to see you waste away in this chair for the rest of your life okay? You don’t deserve that…even if you think you do.”

“I have been working--”

“Not hard enough,” Sheridan interrupted. “And I guess it’s partially my fault…but I can’t help that I feel the way I feel about you. Please just promise me that you’ll try your hardest to fix yourself.”

He wasn’t sure why she was so adamant about this right now…it was as if a new burden had been placed on her shoulders that she was desperately trying to hide from him. “What’s the matter, Sheridan?,” he whispered. “If it’s about the sex thing…”

“It’s not about that,” she blurted out. “I just worry that you’re forgetting the real reason you came here in the first place.” She crouched down and began to change his catheter. “I want you to get back to your life…I want you to be your own person again.”

“Why?” he frowned. “You’re not happy with the way things are?”

She looked up at him. “Of course I am. I just…I want you to be happy with yourself. And I know you’re not happy right now.”

He reached down and caressed her face with his hand. “I’m happy with you.”

“No,” she shook her head. “That’s not good enough.”

He shrugged. “It’s good enough for me.”

She made a disgusted face. “When you were in that hospital…did they sit you down and tell you that you were useless or something?” She finished with his catheter and stood up, reaching behind her to grab the clothes she’d brought for him.

He looked away from her. “Of course not,” he mumbled. Alright, maybe he was being stubborn about putting forth a good effort to better himself…but it was only due to the fact that he was involved with Sheridan now, and the relationship was putting his mind at ease about a lot of things. He was getting used to his wheelchair, and at times he enjoyed being provided for by others. It was relaxing, or maybe it was just him being lazy about his therapy…but he’d been through so much that right now it didn’t seem to matter. He was comfortable.

He hadn’t been comfortable since that horrific night.

“Just because you’ve been in a better state of mind lately, doesn’t give you the excuse to ignore all the hard work that lies ahead of you. My mom told you things were going to get harder, and they will. Our relationship can’t be an excuse for you to goof off.” She threw him his clothes.

“I’m not goofing off, Sher.” He rolled his eyes and slipped his shirt over his head. “I’m going to work hard…you’ll see.”

“Because I’ll…I’ll dump your ass,” she whined. “Don’t think I won’t.” She knelt down again and grabbed his underwear and jeans off of his lap.

He smiled, knowing how much it pained her to say such a thing to him. “Sheridan,” he whispered, grabbing one of her hand in his. “Look at me and say that.”

She looked at him, and opened her mouth to speak…but then the phone began to ring, breaking the moment. “I’ll get it.” She rose from the floor and grabbed the portable phone she’d brought with her.

Justin sighed. He hadn’t thought Sheridan was so worried about him not trying hard enough. As far as he was concerned, that was Karen’s job. He felt a little bad, knowing that he’d allowed himself to slack off ever since he’d set his mind on winning Sheridan over. But he never thought that she would get this upset about it. Maybe he was naïve…

But then again he’d always been a little naïve.

“How did you get this number?”

Sheridan’s annoyed tone snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked over at her and realized that whoever had called was obviously looking for him…and it wasn’t his mother. Curious, he leaned forward a little and tried to get Sheridan’s attention. “Sher,” he said. “Who is it.”

She didn’t seem to hear him, or if she did, she was ignoring him. “If it’s so important why couldn’t you arrange something with Doctor Williams,” she snapped. “Justin isn’t allowed outside phone calls like this, you know.”

“Who is it!” he barked. “Sheridan!”

She looked at him, but her annoyed expression didn’t change. “My mother will…”

“I’m a big boy,” he told her. “I think I can handle a phone call, Sheridan.”

She stared at him for several moments, before letting out a long sigh. “Fine,” she said into the phone. “But only because you say it’s so important.” She thrust the phone in his face. “Hurry up.”

“You love me,” Justin smiled, taking the phone from her. He brought the phone to his ear, still curious about who had decided to take a chance and try to call him. He hoped it was Chris…Lance…Joey…maybe even JC, despite their disappointing conversation on the internet awhile back. “Hello?”

“Um…Justin?”

The voice was small, and raspy…weak even. But Justin knew exactly who it was, without question. “Elisha,” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Are you there?”

Her voice pulled him out of the memory. “I’m here,” he got out. “Uh…wow…I haven’t heard from you…”

“Since the accident,” she said sadly. “I’m…sorry about that. Things have just been a little hectic. I mean, I still have to work, and when I’m not working I’m sorting out things…you know.”

Justin knew he should have been the one to apologize. After the accident, he’d pushed Elisha out of his mind. It hadn’t even occurred to him how much pain she would be going through…he hadn’t even thought to call, or write…or send her a message through somebody else. He was a shithead. Why was she even bothering with him? He wasn’t a real friend. A real friend would have stuck by her. He was sure Trace would have done it for him, if he were the one that died. “You don’t hate me?” he asked her. He eyed Sheridan. She was sitting in his wheelchair, toying with the straps that usually secured his lower waist. She didn’t seem happy, but this time Justin didn’t care. She couldn’t understand…this was something that was strictly his business…his families business…and nobody else’s. The rules didn’t apply this time.

“I’m calling you because I need to talk to you about something,” Elisha continued. “I know I’m not supposed to or whatever…but this can’t wait…I hope you’re not angry.”

“No,” he said. “It’s okay. You can call me whenever, it’s not an issue. What‘s on your mind?”

“I…” she paused, and sighed. “I’d really feel better telling you this in person, Justin.”

Something about her tone of voice sent chills through him. She sounded terribly worried about something, but it was a sad sort of worried. It was something he couldn’t even begin to understand, but then again…he knew Elisha was probably just as messed up emotionally as he was. “In person?”

“Yes,” she said. “Is that a problem?”

He glanced at Sheridan, knowing damn well that it was an issue. Karen wouldn’t go for it, because he hadn’t held up to his end of the bargain he’d made with her. She told him he could have a friend over…if he achieved what she wanted to see him achieve on those damn bars. The next step was talking to his mother about it…but she wasn’t his favorite person at the moment. “I…I don’t know. My doctor…she’s strict about that sort of thing. Are you sure you--”

“I’m sure,” she interrupted. “I-I need to see you.”

“Elisha…” he began, sucking in a breath. “I just…I don’t want to sound like a jerk. But I have a lot goin on. It’s not that I don’t want to see you…I would love to…but…”

“Justin,” she said with more force. “I wouldn’t be calling you like this if it wasn’t important, and I know you know that. That doctor needs to understand that you have a life waiting for you outside of that ranch.”

Justin knew that she was right in some aspects. He did have a life waiting for him outside of this place…and outside of Sheridan. He also knew that Elisha wouldn’t be calling him unless she had a reason to be. He knew he needed to do what she was asking of him…he just didn’t know how he was supposed to do it with all of the rules that he was forced to abide by. “Can I call you back?” he whispered. “I won’t be long, I just need to talk things out with my doctor and stuff.”

“Just make sure you call,” she told him. “It’s really important that you do this.”

He wished he had somewhat of an idea what was so important. “Lish, can you just…give me a hint here?”

She sighed. “It’s about Trace.”

He gasped a little. “I’ll do what I can.”

“Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

He hung up, and let out a long sigh. “Jesus.”

“What happened?,” Sheridan spoke up.

“That was Elisha,” he informed her. “Remember, I told you about her…she’s Trace’s fiancé.”

She nodded. “Is everything okay?”

He shrugged. “No clue. She wants to talk to me in person.”

Sheridan raised and lowered her eyebrows. “She can’t expect that from you. You have more important things to think about right now.”

“You don’t get it…there’s something wrong, Sher. She wouldn’t just call me like this over something insignificant. I need to go see her,” he nodded. “As soon as possible.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Sheridan got out of the wheelchair and made her way over to him again. “Mom will never go for it.”

Justin was becoming more annoyed by the minute. Sheridan didn’t seem to care about his dilemma…she only seemed to care about keeping him in the house, secluded from the people in his life. He didn’t understand why, because she was so persistent about him getting well again…about him getting his life back. “Why are you being like this?” he asked, as she began to slide his boxer shorts on. “Can’t you understand that this is important to me? This isn’t one of my random friends…this is Elisha. I need to do this, Sheridan.”

She finished with his boxers, and helped him into his jeans. “And you want my help, right?”

“It’s important,” he persisted. “I…I don’t know what’s wrong. All she would tell me was that it’s about Trace.”

Sheridan nodded. “I’ll talk to my mom.” She stood up, and helped him into his wheelchair. “I’m sorry if I came off as a bitch or whatever…I just have a million things running through my head at once. I worry about you…I don’t want you to go see this girl and be reminded of…all that stuff. You’ve been in a decent mood lately.”

“I’ll be okay,” he reassured her, pulling her into a soft kiss. “I have you to get me through it all…at least I hope so.”

She pressed her lips against his and held them there for several moments, before breaking their kiss. “Of course you do.”

“So much for agendas.”

Justin gasped at the sound of Karen’s voice, and looked in the direction it had come from. She was standing in the doorway, looking as if she had been out with the horses the whole time. “Karen…”

“It’s half past nine,” she stated. “You’ve had more than enough time to get washed, dressed, and have the horses fed already. But instead I’ve had to feed them myself, and you haven‘t even had your breakfast yet,” she shot him a displeased look, before directing her gaze at Sheridan. “We’ve discussed this Sheridan.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry.”

Karen sighed. “There’s no time to apologize. Justin needs to eat and get into therapy, and you need to get started on the paperwork I’ve left for you to do.”

“Mom,” Sheridan said, with a slight tremble in her voice. “There’s something…Justin needs to do.”

Karen gave her a bewildered look. “I just told you what he needs to do…”

“No,” Justin spoke up finally. “There’s something else.” He looked at Sheridan and gave her a reassuring nod. “It’s okay Sher…I’ll talk to her.”

“Why do I get the feeling I’m about to be talked into something I don’t want to be talked into?” Karen asked.

Justin smiled a little. “Because that’s what’s about to happen.”

*************

“Use your upper body strength to your advantage Justin. Stop trying to rely on your lower torso so much.”

“Easy for you to say,” he grunted. “I’ve only been used to using my legs for twenty three years.” Feeling himself start to slip again, he squeezed his eyes shut and pushed his body up using his upper half. “Fuck.”

“Open your eyes,” Karen barked. “You need to focus.”

He did as he was told. After all, the deal was if he made a real effort today he would be able to see Elisha tomorrow. It was a fair deal…he had to find out what was going on with her. “They’re open, Karen.”

“Now, try to pull your body forward using that same part of your body,” Karen said. “Keep your focus ahead of you, and don’t pay attention to what your legs are doing.”

“They aren’t doing anything,” he sighed.

“Be quiet,” she said. “Now pull yourself towards me…slowly.”

He tried. He tried to do it. But he felt his body give way before he could get more than two steps down the black padding. Then he was lying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, his focus immediately blurred by the flurry of tears that were now running down his face. “I can’t do this!” he yelled. “It’s bullshit! All of this therapy is a bunch of bullshit, Karen! Dammit!” He pounded his fist against the floor, furious that he had failed yet again.

After a moment, she was looming over him. Her expression was unforgiving. “You aren’t trying.”

“The fuck you say I’m not trying!” he cried. “I just…I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

His eyes widened. Now Trace was there too. But how could that be? He had gone away…off to wherever it was he belonged. He said he wasn’t coming back…but yet, there he was. He opened his mouth to say something, but Trace put a finger to his lips and motioned to Karen…warning him it wasn’t a good idea to say anything to him with Karen standing there.

“I know you can do this, Justin,” Trace said to him. “The ability is inside you…and it’s important that you do this today.”

He shook his head. “But--”

“Come on, Justin,” Karen sighed. “Just try one more time okay?”

“I’ll help you out,” Trace decided. “But just this once alright?”

He slowly nodded. “Okay.”

Karen bent down, and after several grueling minutes of grunting and groaning she finally managed to get him back on his feet. “Let’s start over.”

He nodded, and blew out a breath. “I’m ready.”

“I’m right behind you,” he heard Trace say. “I won’t let you fall.”

“I thought you were gone,” Justin whispered, not being able to help himself.

“I said I’d be back if there was a powerful reason for me to be around,” Trace explained. “And this is a powerful reason.”

“Now just like before,” Karen said, taking her position at the end of the bars. “Use your upper body.”

He bit his bottom lip, and put all of his strength forward. Then, just like before, he felt himself slipping. “Shit,” he said, panicking a little. “Here I go again.” Then he felt it…something, or someone was supporting him…holding his body up.

“Come on,” Trace said. “You’re fine.”

He smiled. It was real. Trace was back. He pushed himself forward, filled with hope for the first time since his accident.

“That’s it,” Karen said encouragingly. “Keep going, Justin. You can do it.”

He nodded, and repeated the same action as before. “Damn,” he said, amazed at what was happening. “I feel so…great.”

“Don’t lose your focus!” Karen yelled.

“Sorry,” he smiled, moving forward again.

“I hope you know,” Trace said. “I’m not going to be here to help you the next time. You’re going to have to learn how to move your own ass.”

“I know,” he grunted, pushing himself forward again. “Thanks for being here.”

“Don’t thank me,” Karen said. “Just keep going, you’re halfway there.”

He moved to push himself forward again, but this time he didn’t feel Trace supporting him. He quickly lost his grip, and fell. He groaned as his head collided with the ground once again. He looked around for Trace, but of course he was gone.

Karen was crouched beside him in a matter of moments. “Justin,” she smiled. “That was great!”

He shot her a tired smile, but didn‘t say anything. The only thing running through his mind at the moment was how much he had missed being ‘haunted‘ by Trace. Having Trace around him for those precious few minutes made him remember how he‘d been able to keep his sanity after the accident in the first place. He frowned…he wished he hadn’t taken Trace’s presence for granted. He wished he could have simply taken it in stride, and appreciated it for what it was…even if it wasn’t real. Maybe if he had…Trace would have been able to explain just why it was that Elisha needed to talk to him.

But he was on his own with that one.

“You can go tomorrow,” Karen informed him. “You’ve earned it.”

“Thanks,” he said softly. “This really means a lot to me Karen.”

She nodded, and smiled at him. “I know it does. Now come on…you can help me clean up the mess in the kitchen.”

He let out a relieved sigh, not even caring that he was probably going to have to haul the garbage outside in a few minutes. The worst part was over. Now all he had to do was figure out what it was that Elisha needed to tell him…and what he was going to do if it was something drastic.

“So…”

Justin finally forced himself to meet her sad expression. “So,” he managed to say, slightly above a whisper.

Elisha spread out her left hand, and eyed the sparkling ring on her finger.

Justin noticed the ring was sparkling a little brighter today for some reason…more so than he’d ever noticed before. He knew it was a two carat diamond of course…and told himself that maybe he’d never taken the time to notice it’s true beauty before.

“He’ll pull through,” Elisha nodded, not taking her gaze from the ring on her finger. “He has to.”

Justin nodded, wanting to believe her. He thought if he simply went along with what Elisha said, everything would turn out for the best. That Trace wouldn’t die…and nothing would be his fault anymore. But deep inside of him…in the part of him that knew better…he knew Trace wasn’t going to make it. He just knew.

“I want you to know that this isn’t your fault, Justin.” She grasped his hand and looked into his eyes. “It’s nobodies fault.”

She sounded like every member of his friends and family he’d talked to in the last three days. It was all the same lines…‘It’s nobodies fault’…‘Don’t blame yourself’…‘Accidents happen’. He was tired of hearing about it. He knew it was his fault…nobody could tell him otherwise…not even her. He sighed. “You know it was my fault.”

She shook her head. “Don’t say that. It--it was an accident.”

“Getting drunk,” he sneered in a low whisper. “And letting myself drive that car wasn’t an accident. I knew what I was doing, and I didn‘t give a shit.”

“Justin--”

“Just shut up Elisha!” he cried. “You weren’t fucking in the car! You don’t know what was going on! This is about me and him! It‘s always been about me and him…you‘ve just been a fucking accessory.”

Elisha swallowed hard, and looked away from him. “I tried to get you to stop--”

“Well you fucked that up didn’t you?”

“So what time do you think I should come back?”

Justin slowly looked over at her, partially still entranced in the memory. “Huh?”

Karen laughed a little. “What time should I come get you?”

“Oh…” he trailed off, not being able to fight off the memory in time to answer her completely.

“Justin?”

He shook his head a little, and sucked in a breath. He felt sick to his stomach, and was immediately brought back to the previous evening when he‘d vomited due to the intense pressure of seeing Elisha again. Luckily, the mishap occurred as Sheridan was getting him into bed so she was able to help him. Not that it made him feel any better about the situation. He felt like a baby…having to be supported so he wouldn‘t make a mess all over himself. “I dunno,” he said to her. “I’ll call you.” He opened his window and stuck his head out of it, hoping the fresh air would be enough to rid him of his nausea.

He wished Sheridan were the one driving him into Los Angeles today, but Karen hadn’t wanted her to. She said there were too many temptations, and Justin knew she was right…only because they’d snuck out to LA once before. But he knew if Sheridan were here with him, he probably would have felt a little less nervous about going to see Elisha today. She seemed to always know the right thing to say to make all of his fears go away. Of course, he would talk to her later about everything that happened…but it still wasn’t the same.

“Are you okay?” he heard Karen say.

He pulled his head back into the car. “If I tell you yes will you believe me?”

She shot him a skeptical look. “No.”

He smiled a little. “Well then I feel fine.”

“Everybody has to face their trauma at some point after their accident. For most of my patients it’s been getting back on a horse. You on the other had are a little different. I want you to look at this as another step in your rehabilitation Justin. Facing your friend’s girlfriend is a vital step to moving past his death.”

“The last time I saw her…” he sighed. “Was the day before Trace died. I…blamed her for this.”

Karen nodded. “It’s a natural reaction to trauma.”

He shook his head. “But you don’t understand. She didn’t deserve that…she…she loved him so much, and she needed me to be there for her that day. But all I could do was think about Trace lying in that bed, knowing that it was me who caused him to get that way. Talking to her just made the pain more intense. I couldn‘t focus, and I snapped.”

“I’m sure she didn’t take what you said that day, personally,” Karen reasoned. “I’m sure she understood the intense pain you were going through at the time.”

“It doesn’t matter how much pain I was going through. She didn’t deserve to get treated that way by me,“ he paused, and then smiled. “It took me so long to get on her good side, and even then…I don’t think she completely accepted me. When I see her today, she’ll probably treat me like she did when she thought I was scum.”

“Somehow I’m finding it hard to agree with you, Justin,” she said. “I’m sure she’s probably forgotten all about what you said to her…with everything else on her mind.”

“You don’t know Elisha,” he laughed. “When she hates you…she really hates you.”

“Justin…she doesn’t hate you. In fact, she’s probably just as nervous about meeting with you as you are about meeting with her. I want you to look at this in a positive way…this is a big step for you.”

“I’ll try,” he told her. Karen couldn’t help him. It wasn’t her fault of course…she simply didn’t know the people in his life the way he did. She was right to say that this was an important step for him…it was, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to be painful at the same time. He looked out the window as Karen took the exit that led into downtown Los Angeles. A calming feeling began to take over him, as it had the day Sheridan took him here. He felt safer knowing exactly where he was…how far away he was from his house…his dance studio. He almost smiled, until Karen pulled him back into the reality of the situation.

“Okay navigator. Where am I going here?”

“She wants to meet me at this restaurant called Santo’s,” he nodded. “It’s about ten minutes away.”

“Restaurant?” Karen questioned. “You never said anything about going to a restaurant. Justin…don’t you know how--”

“It was their place,” Justin interrupted. “How could I tell her no, Karen?”

Karen didn’t say anything after that, and Justin knew she wasn’t going to protest the subject any further. Yes, he knew there could be tremendous consequences by going to a public place without any security. Yes, he knew how awful the paparazzi could be to people like him when they were dealing with an intense situation. But none of that mattered to him today.

He would do it for Trace.

***************

As soon as Karen pulled up to the restaurant, Justin knew his lunch with Elisha wasn’t going to go as smooth as he’d hoped. There were people everywhere, and he started to wonder what in the world made him think he was going to be able to get past them without being noticed in the first place. Maybe it was due to the fact that he hadn’t been out and about in all the time since Trace died…but it didn’t matter. Whatever the reason…he still felt stupid. And as more people began to file into the restaurant, for a busy lunch hour…he felt himself begin tremble.

He wasn’t ready for this.

He wanted Sheridan.

“Are you ready?”

He barely acknowledged Karen’s question, and simply nodded in response. Then he felt the nausea begin to take over him again. He closed his eyes…willing the feeling away.

“Justin…come on.”

While he‘d been reliving the moment, Karen had managed to park the car, get out, get his chair, and come around to his side already. He wasn’t surprised, because Karen was always this prompt…but he was a little worried. He was blanking out like this more and more lately…the precious memories he shared with his friend taking over him at the smallest reminder of Trace. It worried him at times, but he didn’t mention it. He figured, it happened to everybody that had to deal with a situation such as this.

Maybe…Elisha had the same problem.

Knowing there was no other way now, he took Karen’s hand and let her help him out of the car and into his wheelchair.

It started immediately.

“Carmen…isn’t that Justin Timberlake?”

He closed his eyes. He couldn’t deal with them today. He couldn’t smile, and sign autographs and take pictures and tell them how much he appreciated them. He was going to see his dead best friends fiancé…he couldn’t deal with much more.

“Oh m’god it is!”

“Hi Justin!”

“Not now girls,” he heard Karen say. “Justin is here on business.”

He opened his eyes again, and sure enough the girls hadn’t heard a word Karen said to them. Their gazes were fixed on him, and they seemed shocked. But Justin wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not. Did they think he was a freak…or were they simply two shocked fans whose dream of meeting him had just come true? With all the dignity and strength he could muster, he somehow managed a smile, although he had no idea how and said. “Hello.”

“How are you,” the taller one asked, looking as if it had taken all the courage in the world to ask the question.

He swallowed. “Okay.”

She smiled. “That’s good. What made you come out here today?”

Before he could reply, Karen began to push him forward. He didn’t know why, but something inside of him was telling him not to run and hide from his fans. After all, they hadn’t gotten much of an explanation about where he’d been….not that it was their business anyway…but he still felt obligated to give them reassurance that he would be around for them in the near future.

Hell, maybe it was all that image training he’d received from Johnny. “Karen wait,” he said.

She stopped pushing him. “Justin,” she groaned. “Do you want to attract attention to yourself?”

“Just one second,” he asked, looking up at her. “Please?”

She sighed. “Hurry.”

“I’m here on business,” he said once Karen turned him around again. Then he flashed the two girls a playful smile. “What brings you here?”

The tall girl blushed. “We were going to Tower Records.” She nudged her friend. “Right Carmen?”

Carmen nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“Justin…let’s go,” Karen said sternly.

“Well…that’s cool,” he said, shooting Karen a dirty look. “I never get to the store anymore.” He pulled the baseball cap off of his head. “You got a pen, Carmen?”

Carmen’s eyes lit up and she spoke for the first time. “Sure.” She quickly unzipped her purse and pulled out a black marker. “Here you go.”

Justin took the marker from her. “What’s your name?” he asked the taller girl.

She looked as if she might squeal. “Nadine.”

“Cool,” he nodded. “Now, I only have one hat girls, so you’ll have to share.”

“That’s okay,” they said in unison.

He smiled, and quickly scrawled a personalized autograph onto the brim of the hat. “Thanks,” he said, handing the hat to Nadine. “Thanks for being here.”

Nadine and Carmen stared down at their autograph, and smiled.

“Thank you so much, Justin,” Nadine said after a moment. “And don’t worry…the fans haven’t forgotten about you.”

He felt his eyes glaze over and he had to clear his throat several times to prevent himself from crying. “Okay…well…bye girls.”

“Bye.”

Karen pushed him forward immediately, mumbling something to him about ‘agenda’s’ and ‘security’. He barely heard her though. He was too busy smiling to himself…happy that his fans, at least not those two fans, didn’t see him as a freak. They still thought of him as they did before…only now they were even more supportive of him. He was so into the moment in fact, that he barely realized that they had entered the restaurant, until…

“Justin…hi.”

He looked up, and immediately Nadine and Carmen were a distant memory. “Elisha,” he managed. “Uh…hey.”

There was an awkward silence, and Justin wasn’t sure what to think. Elisha didn’t seem to be giving anything away. She was just standing there, her expression bland, unreadable. He bit his lip, praying that Karen would say something to break the tension.

“Hi Elisha…I’m Karen Williams, Justin‘s doctor.”

If she wasn’t Sheridan’s mother he would have kissed her.

Elisha finally smiled, and extended her hand out to Karen. “Hi…how are you? It‘s nice to meet you.”

They began to chatter amongst themselves, and Justin was a little glad. It gave him time to go over what he felt Elisha needed to hear. He was sorry…he shouldn’t have blamed her. He didn’t want her to feel alone…Trace would have wanted them to confide in one another…

“Well…you two seem to be fine here. Why don’t you take over Elisha, and I’ll be on my way?” Karen suggested.

Elisha shrugged. “Is that okay with you, Justin?”

He nodded. “Whatever you want.”

“Call me later.“ Karen patted him on the shoulder. It was a message. It said ‘calm down would you?’. He almost laughed, but then realized that Elisha wouldn’t get it, so he didn’t.

Justin nodded. “I will.”

“Have fun you two,” Karen said, before walking away from them.

Now it was real. Now it was only him and Elisha. He looked at her again, and the pleasant smile she’d been showing off for Karen was non existent.

“You wanna sit?” she asked, immediately looking as if she wanted to kick herself. “I mean…”

He laughed, more to lighten the mood than anything else. “It’s okay.”

She nodded. “Are…would you…do you want me to push you?”

“Calm down,” he found himself telling her. He couldn’t believe he was able to be so calm around her. Maybe it was the professional in him going back to work. He nodded, agreeing with himself…as crazy as it was. “I’m still Justin,” he said to her.

She let out a relieved laugh at his comment, and nodded. “Well…I’m still Elisha, just so you know.” She got behind him.

He looked up at her. “It’s good to see you,” he said, as she began to push him forward.

“I’m sorry I’m so nervous,” she said. “I just…I didn’t know what to expect. I was up all night…I got sick…it was horrible.”

He was relieved that she had reacted the same way he had to their pending meeting. “Can I tell you something?” he asked her.

“Of course.”

“I got sick too.”

She laughed. “We’re such losers.”

She was the same Elisha he remembered from before. Sure, she looked tired, worn…but then again so did he, and then some. Her personality hadn’t changed toward him, that was the only thing that mattered. “You know it,” he said to her.

A waiter met them halfway into the dining room, and led them into the back of the restaurant where they were seated at a table. “So,” Elisha began once they were situated. “How have you been?”

“Well, aside from this,” he pointed to his chair. “I guess I’ve been…reasonable. I mean…sometimes things get hard but…I met someone, and…she’s been there for me.”

Elisha’s eyes widened. “You met somebody?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, not really knowing what she thought about the news. “Um…Karen’s daughter Sheridan…we sorta hit it off.”

“Oh,” she nodded. “That’s really great, Justin. I’m really happy for you.”

She didn’t smile as she said the words, and Justin could tell she was either upset that he had a relationship…or whatever it was that was on her mind was swallowing her up. “Don’t tell me…” he said, forcing a smile. “You think it’s a bad idea, right?”

She looked at him with a frightened expression, as if he were about to rip her head off for not saying the right thing. “Um…well no…that’s not it at all Justin. I mean, you should be able to do what you want to do,” she paused and eyed his wheelchair. “Especially now.” She opened up her menu and began to study it.

He sucked in a breath. “How… have you been?”

She slowly looked up at him. It was then he saw it…the terrible loneliness that had most likely been plaguing her from the day that Trace died. A chill went through him, and he sunk lower into his seat.

“I’ve been bad,” she confessed. “I’m not going to sit here and lie and tell you I’ve been fine. I can’t sleep…I can’t eat…sometimes…it’s like I don’t remember he’s dead, and I call his phone. Then I hear that ‘not in service’ message, and realize that I’ve forgotten what’s happened,” she ran a hand through her hair, and sighed. “Sometimes, I wish I were dead too. Maybe then my life wouldn’t be the hell that it’s turned into.”

Something was going on with her, and it was more than just recovering from Trace’s death. Justin knew this, because it wasn’t like Elisha to talk about how miserable she was with anybody. She was a closed person…accept behind closed door with Trace of course. “There’s something you’re not telling me,” he told her. “I know you…and you never talk like this with anybody.”

She shrugged. “I’m a different person now.”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re full of it.”

Her bottom lip trembled slightly, and she looked away from him…most likely to hide her tears.

“Elisha,” he said softly. “What’s the matter with you? I mean, I know what’s the matter…it’s the same thing that’s wrong with me. But I know there’s more…you called me here for a reason ‘lish.”

She looked back at him. The tears were steadily streaming down her face, but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. “I…I haven’t told anybody this. But…I knew I had to tell you…and that you might listen if I did. I…this is so hard, Justin,” she sobbed, sniffling a little bit. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

He reached across the table and took her hand. “It’s about Trace.”

She nodded.

“Then you can tell me.”

She looked down at her lap and laughed sadly. “You have enough to worry about without me bringing more into it, Justin. Really, I should just pack up and move far away and start my life over again.”

“Elisha,” he said. “Please tell me what’s the matter.”

She looked into his eyes, long and hard, seemingly searching them for some sort of answer to her insecurities. “Justin,” she began. “Before…before the accident…Trace and I came to this restaurant.”

He glanced down at the table to gain control of himself before looking back at her again. He nodded. “He loved it here.”

She smiled a little, but it was gone quickly. “And--and I told him, I said ‘baby, this is going to change our lives’ but he was okay with it,” she smiled again, and looked past him. “He was happy.”

Justin didn’t have any idea what Elisha was talking about. She seemed a little lost…maybe even dazed. “Elisha?”

“He was happy,” she blurted out, squeezing his hand a little harder. “He was so happy that he was going to be a father.”

It took a few seconds for everything Elisha told him to register in his mind. At first, he thought he might have been caught up in one of his realistic flashbacks…but after blinking his eyes several times he realized that the situation was real. “A father? But…that means…”

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered. “I’ve been pregnant for almost three months.”

Justin felt his heart stop, then start again. “Pregnant?” he gasped.

She nodded.

“When were you two going to say something?”

“He said he was going to tell you,” Elisha explained. “But…I guess he never got around to it.”

He let go of Elisha’s hand, and ran a hand through his hair. “Jesus.”

“Justin, I don’t know what to do. I…can’t do this by myself, and my parents…they’re living in England and I…I’m too scared to tell them. And I can’t tell Belinda or Juan, because they have enough to deal with. I mean, I know you do too…but I figured you were the one person I could talk to that would understand and not freak out.”

“I…” he began, trying to maintain his composure. “Just…tell me what I can do. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

She smiled, and this time it lasted a bit longer. “I need you to just be here for me. I want you to help me with this baby. I know that’s what Trace would have wanted….there’s nobody else he trusted more in the world besides you, Justin. And maybe…we can help each other heal in the process.”

He wasn’t sure what she meant by ‘being here’. He lived too far away to ‘be there’ for anybody he knew right now. “What did you have in mind, Elisha?”

“Well I figured that maybe you can move back to LA…maybe back to your house and I can move in there with you. I mean, I can take care of you and arrange for somebody to come to the house and work with you. Kind of like a personal assistant with a bonus. I know it’s kind of a crazy thing for me to be asking you to do right now…but I’ve run out of options.”

The idea would have been ideal, if he wasn’t in the middle of things back at Karen’s. He was just starting to find the strength to take on the battle of his spinal cord injury. And Sheridan, their relationship had only just started out. But he knew that Elisha couldn’t handle the burden of a pregnancy all on her own…and until she sorted things out with Trace’s family, which he knew could take a long time…she would be all alone. He couldn’t let her suffer like that…not if she was carrying Trace’s child. He had a responsibility now, and it was bigger than Karen, bigger than Sheridan…bigger than anything else he had going on. “If you need me to be here for you Elisha…I’m going to be here for you,” he promised her. “I mean, I need to do something, right? You can‘t be expected to do this by yourself.”

“You don’t have to decide right away. Just take a couple of days and think it over, okay? I mean, talk things out with your mom…with that girlfriend of yours and see what’s really important. I don’t want to be the cause of more drama.”

He shook his head. “There’s nothing to decide ‘lish. You’re pregnant with Trace’s baby, and it’s my responsibility to take care of it since he cant. We were brothers…and brothers watch over each other. I‘ll talk to my mother, and hopefully I‘ll be able to get everything in order by next week.”

“But…”

“There’s no buts. I have to do this.”

She smiled. “Thank you so much.”

For a split second he thought he might have been making the wrong decision, but one more look into Elisha’s eyes told him he wasn’t making a mistake. That there was a baby on the way…Trace’s baby…and it was all that mattered.

He just didn’t know how he was going to tell Sheridan.

***************

Professor Jensen already had his students hard at work. Along with her usual ‘welcome back’ packet she received from NYU every summer, there was also a special envelope from Professor Jensen…the head medical professor. Sheridan had groaned the moment she saw his name on the envelope. She never had Professor Jensen before, but she knew he was notorious for springing pre semester term papers on his new students. Marcy had him last semester, and she’d gotten the same treatment. Only Marcy hadn’t bothered to do the term paper.

“Just relax, Sheridan,” Marcy giggled. “It’s just a stupid term paper…blow it off.”

“Marcy,” Sheridan groaned into the phone. “Unlike you…I actually have to try.”

She could hear her friend roll her eyes. “Professor Jensen thinks he’s so tough…springing assignments on people before school even starts. Man, if I hadn’t been able to breeze through his class…I might have been persuaded to give him a piece of my mind.”

Sheridan sighed, and threw the professor’s assignment description she’d been holding onto the coffee table. “But you did breeze through it. Shit Marcy…it says this term paper is worth twenty percent of my grade for the first semester…I can’t just blow it off.”

“Email it to Higby. You know he’ll do it for you,” Marcy cackled.

“Why don’t I just puke all over myself,” Sheridan said. Higby lived a dorm room over from them. He was one of those tough, muscular guys that was always able to say the right thing to win the girl he liked over. He was pre med to top it off, and it was probably the reason Sheridan had decided to give into him in the first place. It was only when she let him take her out that she learned what he was really like. He wouldn’t keep his hands off of her the entire night, despite her demands for him to stop. The night ended on a sour note, to say the least.

She wondered if his package was permanently damaged from the kick she’d dealt to it.

“Aww c’mon…the boy likes you,” Marcy encouraged. “And it‘s not like the boy isn‘t fine.”

“He’s a womanizing bastard,” Sheridan snapped.

“You went out with him what…one time? I don’t think you’re being fair.”

“He wouldn’t stop touching me all night. You know how I feel about that, Marcy.” She still hadn’t told Marcy that she and Justin were involved either. She didn’t think Marcy would be able to understand, because even though Marcy spent a weekend with him…she still saw him as a celebrity…a celebrity that ‘hated her’. If she told Marcy…the most that would happen was she would freak out…and quite possibly tell the entire campus that her best friend was now a “VIP”.

And that wouldn’t be good for anybody involved.

“You should really give him a chance,” Marcy said. “He just…wasn’t thinking. I‘m sure he wouldn‘t be like that if you gave him another chance.”

Sheridan was silent for a moment. “Have you been talking to Higby online, Marcy…did he put you up to this?”

Marcy laughed a little bit, but didn’t respond.

“Marcy!”

“Can you blame me for wanting to hook you up, Sher?” Marcy replied, once her laughter subsided. “Higby was the last guy you went out with for Christ’s sake!”

“And for good reason,” she said. “Besides, I don’t need a man to be happy.”

“Who grabbed your ass?”

At the sound of Justin’s voice, Sheridan’s annoyed frowned turned into a soft smile. She turned around to find him positioned in the doorway, and figured he‘d probably been listening in on her conversation for several minutes. He looked like he was forcing himself to smile, and Sheridan didn’t know what to think about his time with Elisha. All she knew was, he was with her for more than three hours before he‘d called to tell her mother to pick him up. She wondered what they talked about…what kind of things they reminisced about that she could never begin to understand. She waved to him, and he waved back. “Hey Marcy…Justin just came in, can I call you back?”

“Oh sure…make up an excuse,” Marcy grunted. “I’m only your best friend.”

She sighed. “Do you want to say hello…so you can stop telling me I’m a liar?”

“I can’t say hello to him,” she said. “You know that.”

“Oh God…would you stop it please,” she whined. She placed her hand over the mouthpiece and pulled the phone away from her ear. “Justin would you please say hello to Marcy, so we can get on with our lives?”

He shrugged, and held out his hand. “I need to talk to you,” he whispered.

She slowly approached him, and shot him a confused expression. “How’d everything go?”

“That’s what I have to talk to you about,” he nodded, taking the phone from her. Immediately his serious expression faded, and a new, more professional one took its place. “Hey, Marcy? Yeah…this is Justin. I‘m good, how‘re you? Yeah…um…listen…I just wanted to apologize for what happened. I was just upset, and…I didn‘t mean to say those things to you…”

Sheridan’s felt her stomach turn. Something happened with Justin today…something that was either very important…or very bad. What had this Elisha person told him? Had she blamed him for Trace’s death? Had she rubbed that night in his face? She felt the rage begin to boil inside of her, before the sound of Justin’s laughter broke through to her.

“Yea…and…you could be my back up dancer Marce,” he cackled. “Yeah…wheels…we could call it wheels. Sure, I’ll tell her…yeah, it was nice talking to you too. Bye, girl.” He hung up. “Man,” he said, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. “That girl is a riot.”

“So you two are on good terms I take it,” Sheridan said, forcing a smile as she took the phone back from him.

He nodded. “Yeah I guess we are.”

She hesitated for a moment, before repeating the same question she’d asked him before. “So…how’d everything go?”

He sighed. “Well--how about we go on the couch and I’ll tell you everything.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

Once they were situated on the sofa, Sheridan picked up the remote and flipped on the television.

“This is happening so fast, Sheridan,” Justin spoke up.

She let out a relieved sigh, thankful that he’d decided to break the ice, and muted the television. “What’s happening too fast?”

He sucked in a breath, and licked his lips. “You know you’re important to me, Sheridan.”

But there’s somebody else… She heard him say the words in the back of her mind, and felt her throat tighten. “Of course I know that. You’re important to me too, Justin.”

He nodded. “A lot of stuff is about to go down. A lot of stuff that--I need to take care of.”

She still didn’t understand. “What kind of stuff?”

He looked directly into her eyes, and gave her a soft kiss on the mouth. “She’s pregnant,” he said, once he broke the kiss.

Sheridan cocked her head to the side. “Elisha is?”

“Yeah,” he said. “And--it’s Trace’s.”

Sheridan felt her eyes widen, and she leaned her forehead on her hand. “Oh my god,” she said slowly.

“She’s three months pregnant,” Justin explained. “And…she’s all alone. I mean, she hasn’t had the strength to tell her own parents. In fact, I’m the only one she’s told--she’s asked me to help her out…to be there for her.”

She stared down at the carpet. The next thing he was going to tell her was that he had to go home. She didn’t know what to do…what to say. He was doing so well…they were doing so well. But now, everything he’d done to improve his physical and mental state was going to be pushed to the side. He was going to put all of his focus on Elisha…and that baby. It wasn’t fair.

Justin deserved this time to fix himself.

“I need you to understand,” he whispered in her ear. He gave her a kiss on the neck. “Please Sher.”

The touch of his lips to her neck sent a million sensations running through her all at once. For a moment she didn‘t think she could protest what he wanted to do. She simply wanted to fall into his chest and kiss him back…she wanted to tell him how much she cared about him. But then the sensible side of her took over, and she managed to pull herself together. “You can’t just…leave,” she managed to say after a moment. “What about everything else?”

“Well that’s the thing,” he explained. “I figured I could get all the equipment put into my house, and Karen could come over there every morning.”

“Do you honestly think that my mother is going to drive an hour and a half out LA and back every day?,” Sheridan laughed. “She’s not going to do that….there are plenty of other people that are willing to take your place. Not everybody can cater to you, Justin.”

He glared at her. “Where is this coming from Sher? I thought you were more mature than this. You’re supposed to understand.”

“I’m supposed to understand how you can push the rest of your life to the side for somebody else?” she said, her tone rising with every word. “Justin…just…no. You need this time for yourself.”

He shook his head. “If Elisha was just going through a bad time it would be different…but she‘s pregnant Sheridan…pregnant and alone. If it were my girlfriend…and I were dead…Trace would have done the same thing for me.”

“You don’t know that,” she whispered.

“But I do,” he said sadly. “And that’s why I have to do this, Sheridan.” He kissed her again, before she could reply. “It’s gonna kill me if you can’t understand that,” he whispered.

She pulled away from him. It killed her to do it, because she wanted to let him know that she supported him, but at the same time she was too upset about him leaving to admit that she supported him.

“Sher--,” he began, reaching out to pull her back toward him. “Come on girl. At least try to think about the point of this whole thing.”

“Well it’s not like I have a damn choice,“ she snapped. “You probably made up your mind about this before you even called my mom to pick you up today. You know, because it doesn’t matter that I care about you more than anybody else I’ve ever known.” Her eyes widened as she finished speaking. That had slipped. She hadn’t meant to be so open with him just then…she was never open with anybody that way. She ran her hands through her hair, and took a deep breath. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. She had to look strong…like she could handle this.

He pulled on her arm lightly, and she allowed herself to fall back into his chest. “Baby,” he said softly. “Please don’t think I don’t care about you. I am who I am right now because of you.”

It was the first time he’d ever referred to her as anything other than Sheridan or ‘Sher’. She couldn’t handle this. She needed to push him away and tell him that if he wanted to leave then it was fine because she didn’t need him.

Instead she found herself saying. “If you leave me, I don‘t know what I‘m going to do.”

“I’m not leaving you, Sheridan,” he said, pressing his lips to her forehead. “I’m just not going to be living here anymore…there’s a difference. We’ll still see each other as often as we can. I mean hell girl, if I didn’t think your mom would shit, I would have you move to the house with me.”

She knew he meant what he said, but it still didn’t make her feel any better about the situation. In fact, she felt sick to her stomach. If he went home, he would fall back into his old routine with his regular set of friends and family…people that didn’t know her, and most likely didn’t want to. And why would Justin want to be around her if the people in his life didn’t?

He wouldn’t.

“Sheridan?”

She looked up at him. “I know that you have to do this.”

He nodded. “I do.”

She forced a smile. “Then you should do it.“

He sighed. “I don‘t want to leave here with you thinking that I‘m going to forget about you or whatever…because I know you, and I know that‘s how you feel right now.”

She shrugged, and looked away from him. “Whatever happens, happens. There’s nothing you or I can do to prevent the inevitable, Justin.”

“Listen to me,” he said, forcefully.

She sighed, and regretfully met his gaze again.

“I could never forget you,” he said softly, kissing her gently. “If it wasn’t for you, I’d be back home right now, sitting on my ass…watching tv and feeling sorry for myself. It’s because of you Sheridan, that I have any self worth at all. How you think I could forget someone like you…I have no idea.”

Justin was trying to balance too many things at once. He had only just found out that Elisha was pregnant, and that was as big of a burden as his therapy was. She felt terrible that he was trying to balance her feelings about the situation on top of everything else that was going on. It wasn’t right, and Justin didn’t deserve it. She decided to deal with her feelings on her own time, and make sure that Justin felt that she accepted everything he’d just told her.

It was easier this way.

“Justin,” she said finally. “I understand that this is important to you. For me to stand in the way of this decision is wrong. You should go…please go.” She swallowed hard, and sucked in a breath.

He kissed her again. When he pulled away, he stared at her for several moments, searching her face for a reaction. She forced a smile, but could tell he wasn’t buying it. “Are you sure?,” he whispered.

“I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

“You don’t look sure.”

“I’m sure,” she said, reassuring him with another kiss. “If our relationship is as strong as I know it is then…this won’t affect us at all. I mean, I’ll come there after work everyday if I have to. The hospital is only about forty minutes from Los Angeles anyway. And on the weekends…I’m sure my mom will let me spend most of my time at your place.”

He smiled. “That’s my girl.” He pulled her into a warm hug. “Thank you so much,” he whispered in her ear. “And you’ll see…everything is going to be okay with us. I know it will.”

Her throat tightened and she didn’t answer. She only hugged him tighter, trying not to let her emotions get their way with her. It scared her that she was becoming so emotional over this. She thought she would have been relieved that he was leaving before she was…but she wasn’t, even though she was going back to New York in a couple of months anyway. Something inside her didn’t want him to leave…something inside her told her that she needed him…that Justin wasn’t the same as all of the other guys she’d taken an interest in back at school.

In fact, she felt that if she were given the chance…she might have been able to love him. She never thought she would ever be able to fall in love. And up until this point in her life, she was sure she didn’t even believe in it. But it didn’t matter. Justin was leaving, going back to his life, his family, and his friends.

And she was sure there was no room for her.

“Hey boy.” Justin rolled himself into Benny’s stall and gave the horse a light rub on the nose, knowing that it might very well be one of the last time he would be doing this. The horse whinnied in response and bowed his head down to the ground, a sure fire signal that he was hungry. “Yeah, yeah,” Justin yawned. “I’m going as fast as I can here bud.” He reached behind him to pull the sack of feed dangling from one of the handlebars on his wheelchair.

Yesterday, Sheridan had worked a double shift at the hospital. It bothered him, simply because he knew Sheridan was offered extra shifts before and turned them down to spend time with him. When she came home, he tried to ask her about it, figuring his situation with Elisha was the reason she was avoiding him. Of course though, Sheridan acted as if she were perfectly fine…that she simply felt like putting in some extra time at the hospital.

He didn’t believe her for a second.

Instead of worrying about Sheridan for the entire evening however, he called his mother instead. He figured it was better if he did it as soon as possible, so he could get some advice about the situation from somebody who would really be able to understand. Not that Sheridan couldn’t’ understand…it was just that she had never met Elisha, or anybody else close to him for that matter, and couldn’t relate. He was a little nervous about calling his mother of course. He hadn’t called her since they’d fought about his involvement with Sheridan…but for Elisha’s sake, and the baby’s sake he’d pushed everything else to the side.

His mother was surprisingly civil with him. She seemed happy that he’d decided to call her in the first place, so the conversation had gotten off to a good start. Telling her exactly why he’d decided to call her was a different story. First he’d told her about his meeting with Elisha, which she was thrilled to hear about. She told him that she felt he needed to be around his friends…that it wasn’t healthy for him to be cooped up at that ranch all the time. He agreed half heartedly, after all…it was her idea to isolate him in the first place.

Then he’d quickly sprung the reason for his call on her, not wanting to give himself a chance to hesitate. At first, his mother remained silent…as she tended to do when he sprung surprising or disappointing news on her. For a moment, he wasn’t sure how she felt about the situation. This was big, and he knew his mother had enough on her mind. But Justin simply didn’t have a choice…she had to know.

“Pregnant?” Was the first word out of her mouth.

Before he knew what was happening, he’d told her every detail of his luncheon with Elisha…and no sooner was the last word out of his mouth than his mother was on the phone with Karen. He was glad Sheridan wasn’t around for the whole thing. He knew it would have caused her to stress out more about everything that was going on.

Especially since his mother told Karen she would be flying in to discuss all of this with him Tuesday.

And now, Tuesday was only twenty four hours away.

Seeing his mother for the first time in a month should have filled him with excitement and anticipation. Instead, Justin felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t know how to act around his mother now…he knew he couldn’t be ‘himself’ because he wasn’t sure who that was. He knew he couldn’t act like he used to…he simply wasn’t like that anymore. But he knew it would kill his mother even more if he acted like the depressed, unconfident individual that he was now. He didn’t know what he was going to do.

He didn’t know anything anymore.

Sheridan looked like she wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out when he told her about his mother’s visit. It made him feel worse. He felt like he was only causing her more pain by bringing his mother into this…into their lives. But it had to happen…there was no getting around it. Just like there was no getting around telling his mother that he wanted to be with Sheridan.

But his mother hadn’t even brought up the subject on the phone, and that surprised him most of all.

He finished pouring the food into Benny’s trough, and plopped the sack down on the ground. He took in a long breath and sat back into his chair, relaxing for a moment. He wished Trace would show up. He needed to talk to him…he needed to ask him if he was doing the right thing. But Trace wasn’t going to show up. The whole thing…the visits…the pool…everything…it wasn’t real. He’d made that decision on his own. He figured, it couldn’t have been real. Things like that simply didn’t happen…not in real life…not to real people.

“Why didn’t you tell me,” he found himself saying out loud. “Things would have been easier. Now…now I have to change my whole life around all over again.” He closed his eyes, and rubbed his hands over his face. He felt a few tears escape him, most likely due to the stress of the current situation.

The vision came to him almost immediately.

It was a party…exactly who’s party it was he couldn’t begin to remember. All he knew was he was sitting at a table, cell phone in his ear…Trace seated beside him. They weren’t dancing, which surprised him, but then again they could have simply been on a break. He noticed that Trace’s expression wasn’t as care free as it should have been. He looked almost worried, but Justin could tell he was trying as hard as he could to hide it from him.

The voice on the other end of the line sounded garbled. Almost like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoons. He tried to pull the phone away from his ear, but it wouldn’t budge. He hated these daydreams.

“Justin,” Trace spoke up finally.

Justin glanced over at Trace, but for some reason the garbled voice on the other end of the line seemed so much more important than whatever Trace had to say. It was almost hypnotic, and try as he might he couldn’t make himself pay attention to anything else.

“Justin,” Trace repeated. “Justin I need to talk to you.”

He didn’t care.

Then Trace frowned, and shoved himself away from the table. “Great,” he mumbled. “See ya later.”

Justin snapped out of the memory just in time to stop Benny from tearing the sack of feed open. He reached down and pulled the sack out of the animals reach before letting the realization dawn on him…Trace did try to tell him…probably several times before he got fed up with being ignored.

“Oh god,” he moaned. Maybe, if he’d taken five minutes out of his life to listen to Trace they wouldn’t have gotten drunk that night…they wouldn’t have gotten into that accident, and Trace would have been able to raise his child.

“Hey.”

He looked toward the voice, to find Sheridan standing in the stall doorway. He half smiled at her, but didn’t say anything.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

He shook his head.

She sighed, and sauntered up to him, crouching down to meet his level. She grasped his hand in hers. “Me either.”

“Everything is changing again,” he whispered. “I mean…I’m used to all of this now. It’s actually almost enjoyable,” he paused and smiled a little. “Especially since you’re here. But now…now I have to start all over again. All these people I know…they’re expecting me to be like I was before all of this happened.”

She shook her head. “If they’re your friends, they’ll accept you no matter how much you’ve changed.”

He shrugged. “I guess.” Sheridan didn’t know his friends. Granted, some of them were just that…his real friends who always seemed to find the dork inside of him even when he thought he was the hottest guy on earth. But then there were the ones that weren’t around him enough to understand…the one‘s he saw six times a year when he was gallivanting around from city to city…the one’s he had to ‘perform around’ so to speak.

But maybe they wouldn’t care enough to come see him once he was home. He hoped that was the case.

“Do you want me to be around tomorrow,” Sheridan said finally.

He shot her a confused glanced. “Why wouldn’t I want you to be around?”

“Your mom.”

He sighed. “That’s not a reason.”

“Yes it is,” she defended. “The woman hates me.”

“My mom doesn’t hate anybody,” he pointed out. “She just doesn’t know you…and she can’t understand why I’m so into you,” he leaned down and kissed her on the mouth. “But it doesn’t matter. I know why I’m into you…” he paused and winked at her. “That’s all that matters.”

Sheridan frowned. “I hate when you try and avoid the point. Justin, I know you. You think once your mother meets me she’s going to love me, and apologize for being so close minded.”

He nodded, and smiled. “And she will.”

“No,” she groaned. “She won’t. And actually, she’ll probably start packing your bags for you.”

“I’m not ten years old Sheridan.”

She rose from the ground. “Our lives are too different for this relationship to last. The only reason we’re together is because I’m the only girl around…and you’re stuck here.”

“Don’t start this again,” he said gruffly. “We’re past that.”

“Are we really?” she asked. “Because I can’t see you going back to your friends and family, bragging about some college kid named Sheridan that you’ve been dating. That isn’t you Justin.”

“That’s not me?” he scoffed. “How the hell would you know? I mean…it’s not like you totally know me inside and out, Sheridan. Sure…I’m your man and all…but theres a lot you don‘t know. So don‘t sit there and tell me how I‘m going to act around my friends when you barely know what you‘re talking about.”

Sheridan looked down at the ground. “I--”

He didn’t give her a chance to continue her speech. “It’s like you don’t give a shit about this relationship. The second something comes up, and I have to leave…it’s like what we have…what we’ve been through…it doesn’t even matter to you. You‘re more concerned about getting hurt. You know that I would never hurt you intentionally, Sheridan.”

She shook her head. “That’s not it,” she whispered.

“Bullshit,” he barked.

Sheridan sighed loudly, and raised her hands up in the air. “I’m done. I’m not going to stand here and listen to you yell at me. I have enough to worry about.”

“Oh right…,” he rolled his eyes. “Like I don’t.”

“I’ll see you inside,” she said glumly, turning on her heel to walk away from him.

He stared at her retreating backside, the tears welling up underneath his eyelids. What didn’t she understand? He wasn’t doing this intentionally. He was doing this because he had to do it. “What don’t you understand!” he heard himself yell. “Sheridan!”

She kept walking.

He rolled forward a little bit. “Dammit!” he yelled. “I’m fucking…falling in love with you and all you can do is walk away from me.”

She stopped.

He knew what he said. He meant it too. But he was sure, that she didn’t believe him. She didn’t believe anything he said that was positive about their relationship. He was a little sick of it…but he would put up with it.

He really was falling in love with her. “Sheridan,” he whispered. “Would you at least look at me?”

After a moment, she turned to face him again. Tears were running freely down her cheeks now, and she looked more confused than ever before. “Why did you say that?” she asked him after a moment.

He rolled himself over to where she stood, and looked straight into her eyes. “Because it’s the truth.”

She shook her head.

“Yes, Sheridan,” he nodded, reaching out for her hand. “You gotta believe me.”

“How can I?” she sobbed. “How can I believe that, Justin?”

He pulled her down to his level, and grabbed her lips with his. “Sometimes,” he said, once their lips parted. “You just have to go with what your heart tells you.”

She caressed his cheek with her palm. “I want to believe you. But…I’m afraid,” she whispered.

He nodded. “I know you are.”

“Justin--”

“Shhh,” he told her. He kissed her again, this time putting everything he had into it. “Just kiss me, Sher. Please.”

She nodded.

Their lips locked, and in that moment they both seemed to let their emotions flow freely. His lips worked their way down to her neck, before he couldn’t hold back any longer and tugged her shirt upwards, caressing the skin underneath. He wanted to do more…to touch…to explore places on her body she’d never revealed to him before. If he could have…he probably would have ripped her shirt off of her right there. But a stable wasn’t exactly the best place for foreplay…especially in his wheelchair. “I need you,” he found himself saying, not knowing what else to do.

She stared down at him. She seemed a little nervous…maybe even scared…but she was hiding it well. “My mom went to the grocery store,” she told him.

He smiled a little. “Oh yeah?”

She giggled. “Yep.”

“So what should we do about it?,” he asked her, mischievously.

“You need a bath,” she told him, her eyes filled with playfulness. “A real one.”

He reached under her shirt, and began to rub his hands up and down her stomach. Then he looked directly into her eyes and said, “Will you give me one?”

**************

“What’s that thing?”

“It’s a therapeutic bath tub,” Sheridan informed him. “It’s basically only used when you start to get feeling back into your legs. It helps your muscles get stronger. Like…they make special bath salts for it and everything.”

“But in this case?,” Justin said softly.

Sheridan ran the water, and looked up at him. “In this case…we’re just going to use it for common purposes.”

He gazed at the tub, and placed his hand under the running water. “Looks like there’s room for two.”

“Yeah,” she said quickly. She was sure that Justin wanted to do a lot more with her than have her wash him. But she didn’t know if she was going to be able to do what he wanted. She’d never been naked in front of a man before. And the idea of being naked in front of Justin scared the hell out of her. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if he was disgusted?

She couldn’t deal with that.

He smiled, and splashed some water at her. “You want to get in with me?”

Her throat tightened, and she found that she couldn’t respond.

“Sher?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“It’s okay if you’re scared,” he whispered. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I…” She wanted to tell him the truth. She wanted to tell him that she’d never been naked with a man before, and she almost told him…but then held back. She didn’t know how he would react to that news. Maybe…

Maybe he would tell her that he didn’t think he could love her.

“You’ve never done this before,” he told her.

She tensed up. “Done what?” she asked him stupidly.

He smiled softly. “You’ve never…you know…messed around like this.”

“I-is that a bad thing?”

“Of course not. Actually…I’m kinda excited to be the first one to…”

“See me naked,” she said, speaking for him.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

She let the water fill the tub halfway and then shut it off. “I don’t know if I can do this,” she confessed.

Justin shrugged. “Then you don’t have to. But I mean, I don’t know what you’re worried about. It’s only me and you…and you’re a beautiful girl.”

“You think I’m beautiful?” she gushed.

“Oh c’mon,” he laughed. “You know you’re beautiful.”

“No…I mean…” Her cheeks burned. She turned away from him, not wanting him to see her this way. Other girls her age had lots of experience with men. Marcy’s crazy affair with their first year history professor came to mind. The stories her best friend told her about that experience caused Sheridan to have strange dreams…dreams where she was lying naked with…someone. She was never embarrassed in those dreams, even though she couldn’t see her lover’s face.

“Come here,” Justin took her hand, his eyes drifting over her body.

“Where?”

“Grab a chair.” He threw her a cock-eyed grin and winked.

“Won’t it be awkward that way?”

He laughed. “What?”

“I’ve got a better idea,” she smiled

His eyes grew wide. “You do, huh?”

She grabbed some large towels from a cabinet in the corner of the room and spread them on the floor beside Justin’s chair. She felt his eyes on her back the entire time…scanning her body…secretly undressing her. She trembled a little. “You don’t mind the floor do you?” She said, turning to face him.

“Not at all…but…you already filled the tub,” he smiled.

“Well,” she mused. “Now that I think about it…it’s gonna be too confining for the two of us to be in there. I mean, it’s not all that big.”

“Ohh-hh,” he said. “So you wanna get all into it now huh? You naughty girl.”

She laughed out loud, his comment breaking the tension she felt inside. “So--are you comfortable doing this?”

He stroked his chin in thought. “Well--I do smell like a horse…but other than that yeah, I’m up for it.” He wheeled himself forward a little bit. “As long as you are.”

She smiled. “I can get the sponge.”

“Oh baby,” he snickered. “Where’s the video camera when you need one?”

Sheridan felt her face begin to burn again. “Justin,” she cooed. “Stop.”

“Girl, relax,” Justin said. “This is a big step for us…and I’m not going to let your emotions get in the way of it. Now come on, help me outta this thing.”

Helping Justin to the floor was awkward. It was much different than transferring him from one platform to the next like she usually did. He was too heavy, and she couldn’t get him onto the floor by herself. In fact, Justin had to do most of the work himself. It was painful to watch him slide himself onto the floor, huffing and puffing the entire time…gripping her hand tightly as if his life depended on it. It was then she realized how helpless Justin was at times…and how much he needed somebody like her to be there for him. Somebody that wouldn’t laugh at the tears that were shed every time he had to do something like this. A person that could understand his physical pain…and work him through it.

“You okay,” she asked him softly, once he’d gotten situated on the floor, propped up against the wall for support.

He coughed a little, and paused to catch his breath. “I’m okay,” he managed to say after several moments. “Thanks for that.”

“I--I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like for you when you go back,” she confessed, sitting down on the ground beside him. “Who’s going to do this with you? I mean…nobody can really understand all of this. I know--I‘ve seen other patients deal with the same thing. Their families get too emotional. What if you‘re all alone one day and…and you can‘t get where you need to be. I mean--”

“Sher,“ he interrupted. He looked at her, a tired but happy gaze in his eyes. “You worry about me too much. You know that?”

She sighed. “I care about you.”

He pulled her close to him. “I know.”

She snuggled up to him, letting her head rest on his chest. A moment later she felt his hands underneath her shirt, inching it up slowly. She froze. “Justin.”

“You okay with this?” he whispered.

She looked up at him. He seemed nervous, and it made her feel a little better. She didn’t respond however, she simply nodded instead.

“Let me take it off,” he said to her.

She hesitated for a moment, her nerves starting to take her over. Not wanting to break the moment though, she bit her lip and pulled away from him. “Okay,” she said.

He smiled. “Okay.” He reached out and tugged her shirt upwards, but then frowned when he couldn’t manage to get it off by himself. “Lift up,” he whispered. “I--I can’t get it by myself.”

Sheridan nodded, and pulled the top off quickly. Her eyes widened, realizing that she was only in a bra and sweats now.

“You’re perfect,” Justin whispered, his eyes scanning her body up and down. “Come closer,” he pleaded.

She shifted toward him, her entire body trembling with nervousness and anticipation for what she knew was about to happen. Then she felt his hands on her, running up and down her bare skin, tugging at her bra. Then his lips were on her neck…her shoulder…her bra was coming off.

And she froze again.

“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered in her ear.

“I--I’m so scared,” she confessed, her voice cracking a little. “Justin.”

He held her close to him. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said softly, stroking the top of her head affectionately. “I promise Sher.”

She looked into his intense blue eyes, and met his lips with hers. She deepened the kiss and suddenly felt something she had never felt before. She really did want him and want to be with him. She wanted to consume him and keep him inside of her where he'd be safe. Where he wouldn’t have to worry about Trace, or anything else, anymore.

She just wasn’t sure how to make him feel the same way he was making her feel right now.

After a moment, she felt Justin’s lips leave hers. “Sher,” he said. “You with me?”

She wouldn’t look at him. She felt stupid…ugly. He must have thought she was a moron, not even knowing the simplest kissing techniques. She looked at the floor. “I just---I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

He curled his finger under her chin and forced her to meet his gaze again. “You’ve really never done this before…made out with somebody?”

She pulled back from him slightly. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “This is the last thing you need to deal with right now.”

Her comment seemed to annoy him, and Sheridan held her breath, waiting for him to yell at her for being so immature…so foreign. “Don’t you ever apologize for that,” he grunted. “Do you understand?”

“Justin--”

He silenced her with another soft kiss. “I care about you,” he confessed. “I don’t care what you know or what you don’t know. That‘s not why I care about you so much. I feel this way for…for who you are. I love that you‘ve given my smelly ass a bath even if the stench was unbearable. I love that you‘ve put up with me even when I didn‘t want anybody to come near me. I love that---that I told you about Trace and you didn’t call me crazy and stop talking to me. Sheridan…you‘re truly…christ,” he paused and sniffled a bit, the tears ready to spill out of his eyes. “There’s nobody like you.”

Everything was fuzzy…dreamlike. She felt lightheaded, and hardly noticed her sweatpants being pulled down around her ankles. The world seemed to stop. All she could see was Justin…all she could feel were his hands on her body, touching her places she’d never been touched before. Then she fell into another deep kiss. The room seemed to be spinning…she heard him whispering her name in her ear. She felt the words come out before she could stop herself. “I love you Justin.”

She felt him jump a little, and finally realized what had just happened. Her eyes widened, and she reared back from him slightly. “Oh…”

“I-,” Justin sighed. “I know I care about you,” he said. “It’s just…love…Sher--I don’t know if I can right now. I mean, I know I said I’m falling in love with you…and I meant it. But--I just don’t’ think I’m totally there yet, ya know?”

Sheridan nodded. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“No, no,” he said quickly, pulling her back toward him. “Just---let’s just leave it at that right now okay? Let’s not ruin this.” He ran his hand up and down her naked form. “You’re beautiful,” he said after a moment. “You really are.”

She smiled, and inched her hand under his shirt. “You’re beautiful,” she told him.

“You can take them off,” he said softly.

She stared at him, her eyes wide. “Your clothes?”

“Go ahead,” he said. “It’s not like you haven’t’ seen me naked before.”

“That’s different,” she said, almost afraid to take his shirt off now. How did she go about it? She knew she wasn’t skilled enough to undress him in a seductive manner.

“Go slow,” he instructed her, disregarding her previous comment. “It’s better if you go slow.”

“Okay,” she said. She rose up on her knees and slowly began to pull his shirt off. Once it was over his head, he made sure to pull her in for a kiss, before willing her to pull it the rest of the way off. He was so good…so smooth…so professional. Even now, in his weakened condition, he was good at this…at kissing, at touching…at foreplay. She knew he’d done this countless times before…but it didn’t matter….

He made it seem like it was the first time.

“Pants,” he whispered, once his shirt was removed entirely. “Now start on the pants.”

With a shaky hand, Sheridan fumbled with his belt buckle and somehow managed to get it undone. She pulled his pants off one leg at a time, being careful not to move his useless appendages the wrong way. She laughed once she laid eyes on his boxer shorts. “Mickey Mouse,” she smiled. “How cute.”

“Don’t laugh,” he smirked. “You know you want them for yourself.”

“Hmm,” she mused. “Maybe I do.”

“Take em off and try them on,” Justin said coolly.

She laughed a little. “Slick are you?”

“You know it.”

She managed to keep her composure while slipping his boxer shorts off, reminding herself that this was Justin and she’d seen everything he had to offer before. When she uncovered him however, what she saw completely surprised her. Justin was excited…very very excited…

“Holy shit,” she heard him say.

“I--.” She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t breath. Justin had an erection. A big one. One that he obviously couldn’t control.

“I can’t feel it,” he said finally.

She met his gaze. “Justin--”

“Just…just put them back on,” he said, looking away from her. “Dammit…I’m a freak,” he said, the playfulness in his voice gone. “I thought this was a good idea…I shouldn’t have asked you to do this. It’s gross.”

She shook her head. “It’s beautiful.” She slid over to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I don’t care what you think about it.”

“I can’t even--be with you the right way,” he said sadly. “Look at me…look at this pathetic shit. I can‘t control this…I can‘t do anything.”

She gave him a reassuring kiss on the mouth. “Justin please,” she pleaded. “Just…just be thankful that we’re here…and we’re able to be alone together. Who cares about the rest?”

He finally met her gaze. “Do you have any idea how hard this is for me…sitting here with you like this…not being able to--you know.”

She shrugged. “Maybe I don’t want to…you know.”

He stared at her for a moment. “What do you mean?”

She bit her bottom lip. “Nothing.”

A few awkward moments of silence passed. Sheridan knew this was a good opportunity to confess her virginity to him. She was almost sure he would understand…but a tiny part of her was still insecure about the idea.

Justin spoke first. “Sheridan.”

“Yeah,” she managed.

“Have you ever had sex before?”

She didn’t move. She barely breathed. She hadn’t expected him to come right out and ask her that. But given the fact that they were sitting side by side, as naked as the day they were born, she couldn’t really blame him for being so bold. She met his gaze. “Sex?” she whispered.

He nodded.

“I…” She looked down at the ground. “Does it matter?”

“Well…no,” he decided. “I just---it’s just something I’ve been curious about.”

“I don’t think it matters,” she defended.

“Fine.”

He sounded a little bit hurt, but that didn’t mean she was going to break down and tell him. Even though she knew he’d probably figured out the truth a long time ago. Why was she so afraid to tell him? She was naked for Christ’s sake. “Justin.”

“No…I don’t care,” he snapped. “It’s fine.”

“Oh god,” she groaned. “Look, I’m sorry--”

“You’re naked and you can’t even tell me the truth,” he muttered. “That’s fucked up.”

“Oh whatever,” she said, tugging away from him. “You wouldn‘t tell me if you hadn‘t had sex before either.”

“But I‘ve had sex,” he pointed out.

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t see what this has to do with you feeling bad about your fucking dick being hard.”

He shrugged. “I guess it’s irrelevant.” He rolled his eyes. “I guess we’re finished here.”

“We are?,” she whispered.

“I can’t be around you like this…if you can’t be totally honest and open with me. I hate secrets, Sher.”

She laughed. “You hate secrets Justin? That’s really funny…because you haven’t even attempted to tell me about that night--”

“Don’t,” he interrupted. “Don’t go there.”

“Oh…so it’s okay for you to have a secret.”

“It’s not a secret,” he defended, his tone rising. “That’s something….it’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“Because it is!”

Sheridan didn’t know what to do. Here she was…naked with a man for the first time, and all she could do was fight with him. This was supposed to be a special day…full of love and kisses and all that mushy gushy stuff that made her yak. But of course, Justin had to go and pry into things she didn’t’ want to talk about. “So what if I am,” she muttered. She was giving in…but she didn’t care. She figured if anything…it might get him to talk about his accident.

He shot her an annoyed glance. “What?”

“I’ve never had sex,” she got out. “Are you happy now?”

He didn’t respond. He simply pulled her closer to him, and began to toy with her hair. She wanted to pull away from him…it pissed her off that he’d gotten that out of her so easily. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. She loved being close to him…his hands on her skin.

“That night,” he started. “I--I want to tell you…but…I just…I don’t know if you’ll ever look at me the same way.”

“Justin,” she sighed. “I could never---think badly of you.” She looked into his eyes, willing him to unleash the pain she knew was trapped inside of him…begging to be let out. “You can tell me.”

“I--,” he whispered. A few tears escaped him, and rolled down his face. “Nobody knows what happened, except Elisha, because she was there before we left. But--I know she wouldn’t say anything. My mom--she thinks I fell asleep. The police---the found some bottles in the car, but--my family--Trace’s family…they insisted that it’d been there all along. That we bought it for a party or some crock of shit.” He laughed sadly and rubbed the tears out of his eyes. “It was all a bunch of bullshit, Sheridan. The whole world…they all pity me. “Oh“, they say “poor Justin…falling asleep…they work him too hard”. But I fucking…” he paused and buried his head in his hands. “I fucking murdered him, Sher. I could have stopped it…but I just---I just didn‘t care. And the last thing…the last thing he heard me say to him before we crashed was how stupid he was for making me spill that bottle of Jack all over my interior.”

She was silent, and felt her body stiffen up. She didn’t know what to do or what to say. She’d shared a similar situation with her father’s death…blaming herself for his accident. But this…this was much more intense. She pictured the scene in her mind. A high and mighty Justin was at the wheel…his best friend at his side, chugging a bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey. Perhaps he passed it to Justin, and in his drunken state accidentally dropped the bottle. No doubt, the car they were driving was an expensive one…and Justin…well…she knew he couldn’t handle it when his favorite jeans got messy, let alone an expensive car.

“You asshole!” she heard him yell. “Just look!”

Then she heard it. Tires screeching…painful cries…and then-- the final outcome.

“Sheridan?” she heard him whisper.

She looked at him again, realizing that the Justin she’d just envisioned was very different from the Justin that sat before her. There were two sides to this man. The broken one…and the normal one. And the one that sat before her now was the broken one. She needed to know the normal Justin, she realized. Only then would she be able to understand, love, and trust him completely.

Sheridan took his hand and gave it a gently squeeze. His body was shaking, and his eyes were wide. She knew he was trying to hold it all in…to be a man. “It’s okay. Justin…I’m here okay?”

He looked at her. “I was driving that car.”

She nodded. “But it wasn’t your fault.” She gave him a gentle kiss and placed her hands on either side of his face.

“But it was,” he croaked. “We were drunk…and I’ve been a lot drunker than that before, and still known what I was doing. I could have said no…let’s get a taxi. But I had to be a man about it. I had to ‘handle it’. He’d still be here…” He stopped, and as much as he seemed to hold back, another audible sob was let out. Then he hunched over, his body shaking. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Sheridan…” he reached out, and grabbed onto her to steady himself. “He’d be alive right now.”

She rubbed her hands up and down his trembling form. “Shhh,” she said soothingly. “Justin…shhh.” She snaked her arms around him from behind and began to rock him gently.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I didn’t want to tell you like this.”

“You needed to tell me,” Sheridan told him. “You needed to tell somebody.”

He let out a shaky sigh. “I’m so glad…that it was you.”

She rested her chin on his shoulder, and kissed his neck. “I won’t give up on you.”

And she wouldn’t. She knew Justin needed help finding himself again, and she was determined to get to the bottom of who he truly was inside. This distance thing…it just wasn’t an issue anymore. Now more than ever, she knew he needed her. H needed her to be there and love him. He needed to be reassured that even if everybody else turned their backs on him…she would still be there in the end.

“You don’t think it was my fault,” he asked her, a glint of hope in his voice.

“It was an accident,” she told him. “Look at me.”

He did. “Sher--”

“It was an accident, Justin. Maybe…there were some bad decisions made…but it wasn’t your fault that it all back fired. Things just…they happen,” she nodded. “There’s no sense dwelling on things you can’t change. You just…have to make it better. I think Trace would want you to help yourself right now…don’t you?”

He was silent for a moment, then smiled a bit, as if he were remembering something. “Yeah…he would.” He pressed his lips against hers, and Sheridan was pulled into another deep kiss. “Thank you for…letting me tell you about all that. And…I’m sorry if I pushed you to tell me about…the sex thing.”

Sheridan gasped, realizing she’d nearly forgotten that she told him that. “Oh…”

“You don’t need to be embarrassed,” he said knowingly. “It doesn’t matter to me, Sheridan. You’re still the same person to me.”

“So we’re even now,” she whispered.

He smiled. “At least until…well…until I regain control of myself.”

“Justin…”

“Shh,” he whispered. “Just kiss me.”

************

Yesterday was truly amazing. Being so intimate with Sheridan was something Justin hadn’t been expecting…this soon anyway. But she’d opened up to the idea…gotten naked with him…and told him something about her that was so personal, he couldn’t help but confess to her the one memory that plagued him night and day.

And the best thing was…she didn’t think it was his fault. Did that mean he was going to stop blaming himself though? It wasn’t likely. He still felt responsible…and he didn’t think anything would ever be able to take that feeling away. Hell, Trace could have come back from the dead and kicked the shit out of him to make him believe it wasn’t his fault, and Justin knew he would still feel guilty.

He heard Karen sigh, and immediately fixed his gaze back on her. “Sorry,” he said, knowing he hadn’t been paying attention to anything she was trying to help him with.

“You’re not into this right now,” Karen nodded.. “And understandably so.”

His mother was coming today. And he was thankful Karen understood how nervous the situation was making him. No, she wasn’t pleased with him, and he didn’t expect her to be…but she knew what was going on…she knew his mother was coming to talk business. And hell…he knew Karen was probably almost as worried about all of this as he was. “I’m nervous.”

“You haven’t seen your mother in a month. Of course you are,” Karen said, tugging on his hand a little. “Come on, sit up. If you’re not going to do the machines…you can at least get some standing time in.”

He sighed, but agreed, and let her help him to his feet. “I hate this.”

“Today isn’t a good day to be negative,” she chuckled, securing him down to the standing board.

“No I mean…not this,” he pointed to the board. “I just…being helpless. I hate it.”

“You’re not as helpless as you think,” Karen said. “And I don’t know…maybe…going back home will help you see that. At first, I really thought being secluded would help you to get past some of your pain. But Justin, you’re not like my other patients. I don’t know,” she mused. “You’re unique. But I’ve had a lot of fun experimenting with you.”

Justin smiled, but it faded after a moment. She’d ‘had’ a lot of fun? He was confused. Karen was making sound like she wasn’t going to see him anymore. He laughed a little. “What do you mean had? It‘s not like I‘m cured or anything.”

“Oh well…I mean we’re basically parting ways here. You’re going home…and I’m staying here. I’m sure we’ll still see each other of course…because of Sheridan.” She turned away from him and began to tidy up the room.

“Karen.”

“Hmm.”

“You mean…you’re not going to work with me anymore?”

She was silent. Obviously, she knew he didn’t know about this part of his moving home…and she’d told him the only way she knew how. “Well…I really can’t. Los Angeles is too far of a commute for me, and I have a waiting list that I need to take on. I’ve been considering opening up my practice again…like it used to be before my husband died. When you’re mother comes…I’m going to go over some different doctors with the two of you. Don’t worry…I won’t put you in the wrong hands Justin.”

He didn’t get it. He thought Karen was committed to helping him get well again. Now it seemed like it was too much of a burden on her. It pissed him off. “How can you just…turn your back on me? I was starting to get better. I mean, I can try harder than I am now…if that‘s the problem. Just…say you’ll work with me okay?”

“Justin…please don’t take this the wrong way. I think you’re forgetting…I’m a professional. I can’t just drop everything in my life because you and my daughter have…something. I’ll find you a good doctor…”

“I don’t want another fucking doctor,” he interrupted. “You have something good going with me, Karen. I can’t lose that now.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, the pain in her voice apparent now. “I would like nothing more than to help you. But--you have things you need to do, and so do I.”

“I can’t believe this,” he whispered.

“It’s for the best, Justin,” Karen nodded. “Try to think positive…about the good things. You get to go home and be with your family…that’s the most important thing.”

“I’ll pay you more,” Justin said, with more confidence. “I’ll pay you three times what you could make with anybody else.”

“Justin,” she laughed. “No.”

“Why!” His face was hot, and his breathing became more rapid as he spoke. “I can’t…I can’t just get used to somebody else.”

“Yes you can,” she told him. “I’ve had patients do it before.”

“I’m not like everybody else,” he said angrily. “You must really not give a damn about me.”

“Justin--” The phone rang, causing Karen to stop speaking.

“Better get that,” Justin muttered. “Might be more important than my helpless ass.”

She started toward the phone, but his comment caused her to turn back and face him. She folded her arms under her breasts and narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t make me out to be the bad person here, Justin. This is happening because of a decision that you made.”

“Like Elisha getting pregnant was my choice!” he cried. “Karen…” he paused, and took in a breath. He wanted to keep his composure right now. He realized that Karen didn’t deserve to be treated this way…not after everything she’d done for him. “Look…I’m asking you to please reconsider. I--I need you. I‘m not comfortable doing this stuff with anybody else.”

The phone stopped ringing, and an awkward moment of silence passed before either of them spoke again.

Karen reluctantly let a smile escape her. “Justin…you’ll do just as well with one of my colleagues, as you’re doing with me.”

He shook his head. “No.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t…but I can’t be carefree around anybody else. Karen, don’t you get it…besides Sheridan, you’re the only one who’s been around to see me fall, and pick me back up again, without making me feel like a total asshole. How am I supposed to find that kind of trust in somebody else?”

“If you’re strong enough to move out of here…you’re strong enough to do anything,” Karen explained.

“I’m only moving because I have no other choice.”

“You have a choice,” Karen pointed out. “You can tell that girl to find somebody else to help her for right now, and you can stay here and get your damn life together. That’s what you can do, Justin.”

She seemed to be angry. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t like she could understand the situation….about Elisha, and what she was going through. She hadn’t known Trace, and she didn’t know how much he had meant to Elisha…how in love they were. The only person that really knew their relationship as well as Trace did was himself…that was why he didn’t have a choice but to leave this place. “So you’re pissed because I’m going to help out my friend,” he said, letting out a sad laugh. “That’s the reason.”

“Not pissed,” she grumbled. “I’m just disappointed. You were doing so well. You were starting to get into your therapy…and you and Sheridan were beginning to understand what it is to have the sort of relationship that you do. I guess I just feel…that you’re throwing everything you’ve worked for away for somebody else’s comfort.”

 “But she’s having his baby, Karen,” he whispered. “I can’t just stand by and make her go through something like that alone.”

“You can’t walk,” she reminded him. “That’s a much bigger issue than your friend’s girlfriend having a baby. But, I’m not going to tell you that you’re not doing the right thing. In my life I’ve learned, that when your heart tells you something…you need to do it, or you’ll regret it. I’m not trying to stand in your way Justin. I just know that I can’t put my life on hold to help you right now.”

He sighed. He wanted to protest more…to beg her to reconsider again, but he knew there was no sense in getting worked up over this any further. Karen had made up her mind, and Justin knew the only way he could continue his therapy with her was to stay at the ranch. But he couldn’t. He owed it to Trace to do this for Elisha. “Okay,” he said after a while. “I understand.”

“I’m sorry,” she nodded. “I really am.”

He forced a smile, even though he knew Karen could see right through it. “Don’t be. I mean, I’ve come this far. I’m sure whoever you get to take over will be fine.” He tried to make himself believe his words, but he knew he couldn’t. He wasn’t even comfortable facing his own mother today…how the hell was he supposed to work with a new doctor that knew nothing about him…about his situation?

Then the doorbell rang, and both he and Karen seemed to tense up at the same time

“You ready for this?” Karen said, beginning to unfasten the strap that secured him to the board.

“No.”

She smiled.

*********

Somebody was at the door.

“I’ll get it!” Sheridan called out, knowing that her mother was still working Justin through his morning routine. She finished wiping the last of her nightly facial mask off, not wanting to scare whoever it was that was at the door, and hurried out of the bathroom and down the stairs. Hearing the bing bonging of the doorbell again, she quickened her step, and finally arrived at the front door. She smoothed her back into place and neatened the blouse she’d threw on just moments ago.

She knew it could only be one person.

She barely noticed herself open the door. That moment was mostly a blur. She was more concerned about greeting the party on the other side…knowing how important it was for her to make a good first impression with this woman. With the door out of her way, she peered out…immediately coming face to face with a woman that she was positive was Justin’s mother. She stood with her head held high, and showed a confidence that she knew Justin had probably mirrored at one point in his life. She was middle aged, but if Sheridan didn’t know better, she wouldn’t’ have been able to tell that she was past thirty five. She dressed well…like a young woman…low rise boot cut jeans and a tiny little top. Something right out of a music video. Sheridan almost smiled, but held back knowing it wasn’t the time or the place…

Only Justin’s mother could pull off an outfit like that and not get criticized for it. Now she knew where Justin got it from.

“Hello,” Justin’s mother said, walking up the few steps that led up to the house. “I’m Lynn.” She didn’t offer a handshake, and simply look past her. “Where is my son?”

“Um…,” Sheridan looked down at the floor before meeting the Lynn’s gaze again. “I think…my mom…she’s helping him get dressed.”

Lynn focused her gaze on her. “Your mother,” she stated.

Sheridan nodded slowly. It was obvious that Lynn knew exactly who she was…and she wanted nothing to do with her. Lynn hated her. Absolutely hated her.

Lynn half smiled, but it disappeared as quickly as it came about. “So you must be Sheridan then.”

“Yes,” Sheridan nodded again. “It’s good to meet you. Justin talks about you all the time.”

“Well,“ Lynn frowned, clearing her throat loudly. “It‘s nice to know that he thinks about me…sometimes.”

Her ears began to ring. She couldn’t focus. This was too much…Justin leaving…Lynn coming, and automatically giving her the cold shoulder without getting to know her at all. “I…”

“Don‘t bother,” Lynn grunted, pushing her way past Sheridan and into the house.

Bitter wasn’t the word to describe this woman. But Sheridan couldn’t really blame her for the way she was acting. She couldn’t’ begin to imagine the hell she was going through…her only son having lost nearly everything of importance to him, after being so successful. She wanted to reach out to her…to tell her that Justin was going to be okay. That she cared about him and would help him get better no matter what it took. But she knew Lynn didn’t want to hear it. The only thing Sheridan was sure she wanted to do…was get Justin packed and out the door as soon as she could.

“How is he…adjusting?”

She nearly let out a frightened shriek, at the sound of Lynn’s voice. She turned around, and heard herself say. “Adjusting?”

“Yes,” Lynn nodded, crossing the room to take a seat on the sofa. “To this…his therapy and such.”

“He’s…I think he’s starting to come around,” she informed her. “But only just. I mean…you shouldn’t worry so much. He’s really…such a strong person, Mrs. Timberlake.”

“Harless,” she snapped. “And I highly doubt he’s coming around if you’re constantly around…distracting him with this so called relationship of yours.” She glared at her once more before picking up a magazine from the coffee table, and hiding her face behind it.

Shit. “Sorry,’ she said softly.

“Momma?”

Sheridan looked over her shoulder. Justin had arrived, accompanied by her mother of course. The look in his eyes was unlike anything else she’d seen from him before. He looked so happy, so full of life…so complete. Almost like a part of him had just been put back in. She smiled at him, but noticed that he wasn’t even looking her way.

“Momma,” he said again. “It’s so good to see you.”

Lynn smiled, and threw down the magazine. She immediately jumped up from the sofa to greet her son. The reunion was like something off a Maury Povich show. She cried…he cried. Hell, Sheridan was sure her mother had tears in her eyes too.

But Sheridan wasn’t crying. All she could do was stand there, knowing that she could never, ever be good enough for Justin in his mother’s eyes. Suddenly, what took place between them yesterday didn’t seem to matter anymore. She was sure Justin was past it. He had too much on his mind now…his mother being here, what was going to happen in the coming weeks ahead.

How he was going to start his life all over again…without her.

“Momma,” Justin said, meeting Sheridan’s gaze this time. “This is Sheridan.”

Her eyes widened, and she looked over at them. Lynn was forcing a smile now.

“We met before,” she told him, planting a soft kiss on his forehead. “How do you feel?”

He shrugged, and glanced back at Karen.

“He’s been doing very well, Lynn,” her mother informed Lynn. “And if he continues at the pace he’s going now, I think he could start to get some feeling back in those legs as early as next month. I just…I wish we had a little more time. I don’t feel I’ve fully touched base with him yet.”

“Well…you know the situation, Karen,” Lynn nodded. “Justin’s friends are a major priority…they always have been. There isn’t any other alternative here.”

Yes there is…you can go take care of Elisha, and he can just stay here. Sheridan wanted to say the words so badly, but knew it would do no good at this point. It was obvious that Lynn was loving the idea of Justin moving back home…probably so she could watch over him night and day.

Probably so she could convince him that he didn’t need to be in a relationship on top of everything else he had going on.

“Let’s talk inside,” her mother suggested, motioning toward her office. “I have some things I would like to go over with the both of you.”

“Sounds good to me,” Lynn nodded, flashing a smile at her son. “Then maybe later…you and I can go to lunch and catch up, if that’s okay with you Karen.”

Her mother nodded. “I don’t see a problem with that. Sheridan…”

She snapped out of her daze, and looked at her mother. “Yeah?”

“Why don’t you go get that iced tea out of the fridge.”

“Oh…,” she said, a little hesitantly. “Yeah, sure.”

“I’ll help,” she heard Justin say.

“Justin no,” Lynn spoke up. “You’re much too tired for that sort of thing. I’m sure you’ve been up all morning working out.”

Sheridan rolled her eyes, and decided she’d be better off going into the kitchen where she couldn’t hear Lynn’s voice anymore. Once she made it there though, she was only at peace for a few moments before she heard the familiar sound of tires running across the tile floor.

“What’re you doin?”

She turned to face Justin. He had a distraught look on his face, as if he knew exactly what went on between his mother and herself just minutes ago. “Getting the beverages,” she told him, turning on her heel and walking over to the refrigerator. “Shouldn’t you be with your mom?”

“Sheridan.”

“What?” She grunted, swinging the refrigerator door open harshly.

“Did my mom say something to you?”

“No,” she lied. “I hardly got a chance to talk to her.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Nothing!” she exclaimed, once she’d pulled the iced tea out of the refrigerator.

“You’re a horrible liar.”

She glared at him, and pulled three cups out of the cabinet above her head. “Could you just worry about yourself for once…please? I’ll be fine. I just…I need to get some air. I think I’m going to go out--”

“You’re going to run away,” he interrupted. “Right?”

“Shut up Justin.”

“Oh so I’m right then,” he smirked.

She finished pouring, and slammed the pitcher down on the counter top. “You know what…fine. I tried okay? I tried to be nice, and smile and be little miss perfect for her. And you know what…she doesn’t care. She doesn’t want to hear about how much I care about you…all she wants to do is fall all over herself to baby you, and make me look bad. So it’s fine. I’m not about to deal with that…I don’t need it.”

“My mother has issues she needs to take care of,” he said softly. “But…our relationship has nothing to do with that. She’s just…she’s afraid Sheridan. Trace was like a son to her. It’s like…she lost one son…and she’s terrified of losing the other. You gotta understand…”

“I’m not…I’m not strong enough to deal with all of this,” Sheridan cried. “I have enough trouble dealing with myself…with who I am, without somebody like her stepping in, making me feel like I have no business breathing the same air as you. Justin, I care about you…and I probably always will. But…I’m not up for this. I’m just not.”

He stared back at her. He looked lost, confused…hurt. Like she’d just yanked his heart out of his chest and stepped all over it. “You’re not up for what?” he whispered.

She wouldn’t look at him.

“You’re not up for what!” he yelled. “Come on Sher…say it! Just fuckin say it! One person tells you you‘re not good enough for me and immediately…what we have doesn‘t matter? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have any idea how many people are going to say that to you…to me? Who the hell cares what they think Sheridan? This is about us…you and me…Justin and Sheridan. It’s not about Karen…or my mom, or Elisha. It’s just about us. Yesterday….I thought we really connected yesterday.”

“No,” she said, not being able to hold back her sobs anymore. “It was just…it was just touching, and feeling. It didn‘t have any real meaning behind it Justin…it was just something that happened. We were alone…and it just happened.”

He clenched his jaw and shook his head. “That‘s not true. It meant something to me, and you can just…kiss my ass if you want me to believe that it didn’t mean anything to you. Sheridan, I know being…intimate like that meant something to you.”

“You’re wrong,” she said, trying to get herself to believe what she was saying. She couldn’t. Justin was right.

She was a horrible liar.

“You know, that’s messed up Sheridan. I’ll just…fuck,” he sighed, rubbing a hand across the top of his head. Then he looked at her again, his eyes glossed over as if he were about to lose it. “…I’ll just be inside.”

She nodded, but didn’t respond. A moment later he wheeled himself past her and out of the kitchen. She steadied herself against the counter, silently letting herself cry. What the hell happened? Everything was going so great between them…and now his mother had managed to put a stop to it all.

But maybe…unconsciously…that was what she wanted all along.

“So what do you think…that Doctor Taylor sounds promising I think. Karen spoke highly of her…”

He couldn’t pay attention to her right now, as much as he knew he should have been. But her words…they seemed to float right over his head. His mind was on other things at the moment. Well…more like one thing. One specific thing.

Sheridan.

Why had she pushed him away? Granted his mother probably hadn’t been the kindest person to her, but Justin knew that Sheridan was strong. If she could deal with his moods…why couldn’t she deal with his mothers? It just didn’t make sense…

It was almost as if she wanted them to fight.

He glanced out the window, and began to chew on his thumbnail. Suddenly, he wished he were back at the house with Sheridan, rather than with his mother, going to lunch. Maybe it was selfish of him. After all, he hadn’t seen his mother in a month. He should have been happy that he was able to do this with her today.

But the picture in his mind of Sheridan, sitting at home, crying over him was making it hard to enjoy anything right now.

“Justin?”

He slowly looked over at his mother. She was staring at him, her eyes telling him how terribly worried she about him. “Yeah?”

“You’re so quiet. Are you sure you’re okay?”

He nodded, and looked out the window again. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know,” she chuckled. “I guess…it’s just because I haven’t seen you for so long.”

“I’m fine mom,” he said, trying to sound believable. He didn’t want her asking him questions like this right now, because he wasn’t prepared to get into what was going on between himself and Sheridan with her. He knew his mother wouldn’t understand, and if anything, would want to take him home even sooner than she was planning to.

“I made reservations at Tony Roma’s,” she informed him. “You like that don’t you?”

The last time he went out to eat, had been when he met Elisha for lunch…and he’d barely eaten anything then. Other than that, Justin couldn’t remember the last time he’d gone out to eat at a restaurant, like a civilized person. The very thought of a rack of ribs from Tony Roma’s caused his mouth to water. Karen definitely wouldn’t have approved…

But then again, Karen didn’t really have much of a say anymore. “Yeah,” he said, turning his head to smile at his mother. “That’s great mom.”

“Oh good,” she said happily. “I thought you‘d like that.”

“So…,“ he continued, wanting to get to the real point of his mothers visit. “Did you happen to speak to Elisha?” he asked.

Her smile faded. “I called her, right after you told me. The poor girl…she’s so scared. She even made me promise not to say anything to Belinda, and Juan. I don’t know why…”

“Because they won’t take it well,” Justin said, finishing her sentence for her. “Come on ma, you know that.”

“I don’t see why,” Lynn shrugged. “It’s their grandchild.”

“Trace is dead mom. Think about for a minute…like, what if it were me…what if I was dead and my girlfriend was having my baby? Would you be open to the idea?”

Lynn was silent.

“No…because you’d been in too much pain,” he nodded. “It’s kinda like…why you treated Sheridan like a piece of shit today.” He held his breath. He hadn’t meant to be so cold with her just then. But he couldn’t help it. He loved his mother and knew she meant well, and that she was only trying to protect him from being hurt anymore than he already was. But Sheridan meant a lot to him…probably more than anybody else in his life at the moment. And he wasn’t going to let anybody, not even his own mother, treat her like she was nothing.

Lynn seemed to tense up just then, her knuckles turning a brilliant shade of white as she gripped the steering wheel tighter. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you.”

“She’s my girlfriend, mom. I know right now…there’s too much going on in your head to be able to understand that…but facts are facts. Sheridan is my girlfriend, I care about her…and I would really appreciate it if you treated her with some kind of respect.”

Lynn pressed her lips together, and let out a long sigh. “Don’t make me out to be the villain, Justin. I have my reasons for being against this whole…thing you have going on with her. I’m sure she’s a nice girl, there’s no doubt in my mind about that…but right now…it’s not going to work.”

“Why!” he yelled. “Because you don’t want it to mom? Well fuck that…because she‘s the only reason I‘m still human right now. Do you even know mom…do you even know the shit I‘ve been through? The sleepless nights or the nights I just couldn’t stop crying…or the nights I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again?” He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling himself begin to tremble. He needed to calm down. He couldn’t be a wreck in a public setting

“Justin--”

“I don’t want to talk about this with you anymore,” he muttered. His bottom lip quivered, and he bit down on it to steady it. “Just…don’t talk to Sheridan if you can’t say anything positive okay? She‘s part of my life now, and I don‘t really care what anybody else has to say about it.”

They rode in silence for a few minutes, and slowly…Justin began to calm down. He was still pissed off at his mother, and probably would continue to be for the rest of the day. But at least he would be able to eat his lunch and force a fake sense of joy for the staff and anybody else involved.

“I fucked up,” Lynn said softly.

He looked over at her. “What?”

“I’ve just…I’ve been so caught up in everything, Justin. I’ve been so busy putting your affairs in order…granting magazine interviews, and telling people that you haven’t deserted this industry. Justin, I don’t hate Sheridan…and I never meant to disrespect her. But, when I saw her, I don’t think I knew how to react. I don’t trust anybody around you right now. The way this world is…anybody can take advantage of you. Your position makes you very vulnerable, and I know you understand that.”

“But Sheridan isn’t some backstabbing idiot,” Justin said, deciding he needed to continue the conversation. “She’s had a lot of bad stuff happen in her life too, and it’s like…she understands me. Mom, I’m not the same person that I was when Trace was around. I don’t just…fall for a girl because of what she looks like or whatever. It took me awhile to talk to Sheridan, mom. I was a mess…but she didn’t give up on me. She was so patient, and willing to listen and help me when I needed it. I wish you could just see…how much she’s helped me.” He stared at her, waiting for her to respond…but she didn’t. She kept her gaze focused on the road. Justin didn’t know what to think. What was she thinking? Was she understanding it all now? Or was she simply so pissed off, that she figured she was better off not saying anything?

It was only when they were pulling up to the restaurant, twenty minutes later, that she finally said something. “I’m sorry, honey,” Lynn whispered. “Maybe…I jumped to conclusions. Maybe, I’m just scared.”

“You don’t have to be scared, momma,” he said, a little bit relieved that she was finally coming around. “Look at me…I’m doing so much better. Even Karen thinks so.”

She looked at him, and nodded. She pulled the car into a space and shut the engine off. “I hope I haven’t made your life harder,” she whispered, covering her face with her hand. “I just…oh god Justin,” she croaked. “I never thought anything like this would ever happen to you. Sometimes I feel so helpless, because…I‘ve always been able to fix your problems in the past. But this time I just can‘t do it…I can’t fix your legs…I can’t make you walk again. And I certainly…I certainly can’t bring Trace back.”

“Momma,” he whispered. “Please don’t feel like you’ve let me down, because you haven’t. You just…you just made me aggravated. There‘s so much going on, it‘s hard for me to think straight sometimes.”

She let out a sad laugh. “You have so much on your mind…and instead of encouraging you, and trying to make you better…all I can do is bring you down. Lord, what kind of a mother am I?”

“Aww, ma,” he groaned, pulling her into a hug. “Please don’t say that. Who sat with me in the hospital every single day huh? Who sat there and read my fan mail to me until her voice was hoarse? You did. Nobody else wanted to put up with me then…and you still did it. And I know I was impossible then. I couldn’t tell you then…but that meant so much to me, mom. You’re such a beautiful person…and I know I wouldn’t be who I am right now if it wasn’t for you and all the sacrifices you made for me. I love you so much”

“I love you too, Justin.” She hugged him tighter, and after a moment, began to sob uncontrollably.

“Shh,” he said, rubbing his hand up and down her back. “Mom, it’s okay.”

She needed him. She needed him…and Elisha needed him. They needed him more than Sheridan did…at least it seemed that way to him. It was obvious that his mother was dealing with a lot more trauma than she let on. If he didn’t go home, she would surely lose her mind. He needed to be there to help her handle the reporters…the record execs…the managers…the publicists. People wanted to know what the hell he was doing. And he needed to give them an explanation. Now, he understood why his mother was so against Sheridan in the first place.

She didn’t want to lose his attention entirely.

“I’m going to be here mom,” he reassured her. “You don’t have to do this by yourself anymore.”

He felt her nod her head against him. “I’m so sorry, Justin. I tried…I really did. Everything is just…such a mess.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” he told her. “I know you tried, mom. Hell, you probably killed yourself trying. But all those people…those reporters and record people…I know they won’t be satisfied until they get me to give them an explanation myself. And they’ll get their explanation. You don’t need to deal with it anymore.”

“Oh god,” she said, finally pulling away from him. “Look at me, crying to you like a fool.” She straightened herself and pulled down the sun visor, studying her reflection in the mirror. “Look at my eye makeup,” she complained. “I look like some kind of moron.” She leaned closer to the mirror and began to smooth out the mascara that had started to run from her eyes.

“It’s okay mom,” he reassured her. “Let’s just go inside. Elisha’s probably wondering what happened to us.”

“You’re right,” Lynn decided, flipping the visor up again. “No sense sitting here, crying about everything. Besides…I made special arrangements.”

He smiled a little. It felt good. “Special arrangements?”

She kissed his cheek. “You’ll see.” She got out of the car and went around to the other side, yanking his wheelchair out of the back seat. Justin was uneasy. Before his mother made the decision to put him in Karen‘s care, his stepfather, Paul had done most of the heavy duty work. Helping him out of bed in the morning, into the car when he had to go to therapy, and out of the car when he returned home. But right now, Paul wasn‘t here. It was only his mother, and Justin wasn‘t sure if she could handle the transition from car to chair herself.

He prayed she didn’t call one of the staff to help her.

“I think you’re too heavy,” Lynn sighed. “For me anyway.” She pulled out her cell phone, and flipped the top up. “Let me get some help.”

“Mom…no…” Justin said, his eyes wide. “I…I can do it. Just hold me up.”

“Don’t be silly,” she smiled, pressing some keys on her phone. “It’ll be a hell of a lot easier if we do it this way. I don‘t want to risk you falling on this hard concrete.”

“But..”

She didn’t hear him. “Hey,” she said into her phone. “We’re here. I need some help getting Justin out of the car though…”

He flinched. He didn’t want some strange person near him…touching him.

“Yeah, right out front…okay…bye.” Lynn hung up, and let out a relieved sigh. “Good…he’ll be out in a minute.”

He felt his heart began to beat more rapidly. He couldn‘t handle this. He was sorry he‘d agreed to go out today. He thought his mother was smarter than this. Didn‘t she understand how frightened he was? How could she bring him here, and expect him to act normal around people? Justin knew he was a good actor…but he wasn’t‘ talented enough to pull this off without losing it. “But I…I don’t want anybody near me!” he blurted out, immediately regretting doing so. He couldn’t help himself unfortunately. He didn’t want to be ‘handled’.

“Justin,” Lynn said soothingly. “Just wait…it’s not as bad as you think.”

“Mom,” he said, his vision slightly blurred from the tears in his eyes. “Please.”

“Shh,” she said, crouching down to meet his level. “It’s Tiny okay? I wanted it to be a surprise…but it’s just Tiny.”

“Tiny?” he croaked. “Here?”

She smiled, and nodded. “Yes.”

He quickly rubbed the tears out of his eyes. “Oh.”

“The first thing you’re going to do when you move back, Justin,” Lynn told him. “Is get out of the house at least once a week. My god…you used to love attention.”

He frowned. “I know.”

“J…my man.”

The familiar voice caused him to perk up a little. He smiled when he saw Tiny walking toward them. “Tiny,” he said with a smile. “Hey.”

When he was close enough, Tiny reached into the window and shook his hand. “Hey, man…how you been?”

He wasn’t sure how to respond. Tiny had been in the city the night of the accident. But Justin hadn’t wanted him to accompany them on their outing that evening. He remembered…the paparazzi had been at their worst the previous day, and he and Trace simply wanted to go out without somebody following them around. They needed to be normal, and hadn’t cared about the consequences. Tiny hadn’t liked the idea at all of course, and naturally, had made his feelings known.

But Justin was the boss.

“I’ve been…okay,” Justin said finally. He looked at him and forced a smile. “What about you…how’s your lady?”

“Well,” he huffed. “Shonda is good. She’s happy that I’ve been home more…” he trailed off, and looked at the ground for a moment. “But uh…I guess your mom says you’re coming home?”

He nodded. “Yeah.” He wondered how much Tiny knew. He wondered if his mother had talked to Tiny about what was going on with Elisha. It wouldn’t pf mattered if she had. Tiny was totally trustworthy. If you told him something, he didn’t repeat it. What he saw and heard…he kept to himself. And it was probably why the guy had been working for him for so long. “But I’m sure you’ll still be at home more than…you used to be.”

“Hey,” he smiled. “You know, you’re gonna be okay. You know in a year from now you’re gonna have a new album…and Shonda is gonna be yellin’ at me because I’m never home. It’ll be like old times.” He laughed heartily, and opened Justin’s door. “Come on…let’s get you out of the car.”

“I’m going to go in and get us a table,” his mother spoke up, turning to head into the restaurant. “Just be careful Tiny. Don’t drop him,” she called over her shoulder

Justin rolled his eyes. “She hasn’t changed much,” he said, once his mother was out of earshot.

Tiny laughed out loud. “You’re right.” He pulled the wheelchair over to them. “Now, how do you do this?,” he smiled. “I’m not used to this sorta thing.”

“Uh well…they usually just shove a hand underneath my butt, and push me forward until there’s enough room to stand me up,” he nodded. “I can usually do the rest, as long as the chair is close enough. You just gotta make sure you support my upper body so I don’t collapse like a fuckin’ Jello person.” He began to laugh, but stopped when he realize that Tiny wasn’t amused. He was silent, and his expression was as serious as he’d ever seen it. It was apparent that Tiny wasn’t prepared to deal with this…the wheelchair, having to help him to his feet. Justin wasn’t exactly sure what Tiny expected to deal with of course…but he was sure it was nothing as dramatic as this.

Tiny licked his lips and slipped a large muscular arm underneath him. “Okay man. Just tell me if I’m hurting you or somethin'."

“You can‘t hurt me,” Justin managed to say, after he’d swallowed the lump in his throat. “I can’t feel anything down there.”

“A-alright.“ With a low grunt he pulled him forward, and out of the car. Then Justin was on his feet, Tiny’s arms wrapped around his upper torso. “I’m doin it okay?“ he asked.

It was the first time Justin was able to tell that Tiny was nervous. In the past, when they were moving through large masses of people...all of them clawing and screaming at him for attention, Tiny had never allowed his emotions to waver. He was always serious...cool. But right now, Justin could tell he was a wreck.

"Yeah, perfect," he nodded, slowly letting Tiny drop him down into the chair. “You’re a pro.”

“Damn, you're heavier than I thought," Tiny chuckled, once Justin was situated properly.

"Liar," Justin smiled. "I'm a scrawny little nothin now."

"Gotta work that upper body," he nodded. "You should call Jason."

"I haven't gotten the chance. My doctor had all these fucked up rules for me. I mean...well, they weren't fucked up. They were just annoying. Like, I couldn't use the phone and stuff like that. I think if I'd been able to use it, I would have given everybody I know a call a long time ago."

"Yeah, your ma told me somethin like that, cause I‘d been meaning to call you. I was pissed when she told me I couldn‘t," Tiny nodded. "Did it help you?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess it must have in a way. I was able to focus on what I had to do so…”

Tiny went behind him, and pushed him forward. “I heard…you’ve been focusing on a lot of things.”

“What do you mean?”

“Who’s Sheridan?”

He groaned. “Does my mom tell you everything?”

“No,” he laughed. “I heard that one from Chris.”

“Chris?”

“I think your mom told somebody who told somebody who told Chris. You know how that shit goes down J. But…I think it’s cool, man. Where is she?”

“Home,” he grumbled.

“Sound’s like you’re pissed off.”

He shrugged. “Today has been…a very complicated day.”

“Ah,” he laughed. “So, your momma ain’t takin it well.

He smiled. Tiny hadn’t changed. He was still able to figure out exactly what was on his mind, without having to ask him that many questions. “I don’t know. I think she’s coming around. It’s Sheridan that I’m worried about. She’s really uncomfortable about dealing with my family and stuff. Sometimes I wonder if she’s worth it…on top of all the other shit I have to deal with.”

“If you care about the girl, it’s worth it,” Tiny told him. “Don’t let the people in your life get to you that way. It’s still your life, Justin.”

He was suddenly glad his mother decided to ask Tiny here today. He forgot how wise he was…the great advice he used to give him regarding life…his career…his goals…his women. “Thanks Tiny.”

“You call me anytime you need to talk man to man,” he told him, coming around to open the door to the restaurant. “My phone is always on.” He stuck his head in the doorway. “A little help,” he barked.

Immediately a member of the wait staff popped into view, and held the door open for them.

“Nurse Tiny,” he chuckled, as Tiny pushed him through the doorway. “That’s your new title.”

“Man, don’t even go there.”

***************

Term papers sucked.

“God,” she mumbled. She hit the backspace key on her laptop furiously, deleting the sentence she’d just typed out. “This is…horseshit.” She sighed and leaned back in the computer chair, kicking her feet off the ground which caused her glide across the hardwood floor.

Hearing the bling of an instant message, Sheridan sat up and slid herself back over to the computer desk. Crabbypatty has sent you an instant message, do you wish to accept? “Crabbypatty?” she laughed, looking at the message on the screen. Normally, she didn’t answer IM’s from people she didn’t’ know…but the name was so unique she couldn’t help herself. She clicked ‘yes’.

Crabbypatty: Hey

With a perplexed expression, she typed a response.

DoctorQuinn821: Hey, who’s this?

Crabbypatty: Well, you don’t really know me.

She rolled her eyes. She didn’t really have time for this. She didn’t know when Justin would be getting back from his luncheon, but she knew that when he did…she wasn’t going to have any time to work on this paper. She knew they would have to talk…and try to work out their problems. There was no way Justin could go back home, still wondering if she gave a damn about him. No, she shouldn’t have been so gruff with him. She shouldn’t have said yesterday didn’t mean anything to her…because it was a lie. It had been…absolutely amazing. But Justin’s mother…she’s just made her so angry…so upset. And when somebody made her angry or upset, she couldn’t do anything but retreat into herself where nobody could reach her.

DoctorQuinn821: Umm okay.

Crabbypatty: This is Sheridan right?

She froze. Who was this freak?

DoctorQuinn821: Who is this, and how the hell do you know my name?

Crabbypatty: I‘m Elisha...Justin’s friend. I’m sorry to bug you. I got your name off of that AOL directory thing.

Sheridan gasped a little, and closed the IM. Never in in million years did she think this girl would bother to contact her. She didn’t think Elisha cared, or could understand why she and Justin were in a relationship. But…maybe she still didn’t. Maybe she was simply contacting her to criticize everything that was going on. She quickly moved the cursor to the sign off button, not wanting to deal with any more drama or criticism today. But before she could, another IM popped up.

Crabbypatty: Look, I know you probably don’t want to talk to me or whatever…and frankly, it doesn’t matter to me. I just need to ask you a couple of things, about Justin moving back.

She reluctantly answered, afraid that if she didn’t, Elisha would say something…and Justin would end up being angry with her for ignoring his friend.

DoctorQuinn821: Well, what do you need to know?

Crabbypatty: Well, I guess I’m going to be the one taking care of him…like, getting him up and ready for therapy in the morning and such. Is there anything I need to know?

Sheridan closed her eyes. She didn’t want to think about some other girl getting Justin out of bed in the morning, and stripping him of his clothes…touching him. He was her boyfriend…and she hated to admit it…but she didn’t even like it when her mother touched him like that. Maybe it she was overreacting, maybe she was afraid of losing the only person in her life that she‘d ever had feelings for. But it didn’t matter…that was how she felt. But despite that, she wasn’t about to send Justin home, with his caretaker not knowing her ass from her elbow.

DoctorQuinn821: A big part of it of getting it right, is having a set routine. Right now, Justin gets up about 5:15, but that’s only because he has to get the horses fed. When he’s home he won‘t be doing any of that. So…I wouldn’t wake him up before 6.

Crabbypatty: 6? That’s so early.

She smiled, knowing Elisha really had no idea what she was getting into by becoming Justin‘s caretaker. It should of worried her…and Sheridan was sure it would get to her, later on. But right now, she was too amused about shooting down Elisha‘s ‘miss know it all‘ attitude.

DoctorQuinn821: Well yea, but you‘ll be late if you start after that. You have to get him up, and believe me…getting Justin out of bed in the morning isn’t a pleasant thing to take on. Then you have to get him his bath…change his catheter, and by that time it’s seven. After that, you have to pick out an outfit with him, and that takes a good thirty minutes, because he’s so damn picky. Then you have to make him breakfast…a good breakfast, not cereal and coffee, like he tends to beg us for. Otherwise he won‘t have any energy. And then he has to do his therapy. His therapy sessions have to start at 930, or else his whole cycle will get messed up.

Crabbypatty: Well…sounds like a lot of work. I’m up for it though…Justin’s sacrificing a lot for me.

She couldn’t help but ask the next question. Sure, she was afraid of the answer but still, she simply had to know.

DoctorQuinn821: You're going to give him his baths?

Crabbypatty: I don’t think he’ll be comfortable doing it himself (laughs)

Her eyes widened.

DoctorQuinn821: I thought they were going to get a nurse for him?

Crabbypatty: Justin told me he doesn’t want a nurse. He says he’s not comfortable doing stuff like that with strangers he can’t relate to. Don’t worry hun…I’m in no position to steal your boyfriend from you…in a few months I’m going to be as big as a house! (laughs)

Sheridan frowned.

DoctorQuinn821: I don’t feel threatened. And if you weren’t pregnant…I still wouldn’t feel threatened. Justin knows what he wants…and he wants me.

Crabbypatty: Okay hun…don’t get all groupie on me now okay? (rolls eyes) I was just stating a point…that’s all.

She didn’t like Elisha. She seemed self absorbed, and definitely didn’t seem to have any sort of respect for her and what she’d done for Justin. She didn’t hold back…instead she typed exactly what she felt.

DoctorQuinn821: God you’re a bitch.

Crabbypatty: Umm…okay I’m confused.

DoctorQuinn821: Just forget it.

Crabbypatty: You don’t need to get an attitude just because Justin isn’t going to be by your side 24/7. He needs to live his life, and actually…I’m glad he’s getting this opportunity. Your mother is a quack…keeping him cooped up at that place like he’s some kind of freak. I don’t even know why he’s so hung up on you…he could do so much better…with somebody that can relate to him. I mean really, what the hell do you know about him anyway…besides the fact that he’s a star? I bet that’s all you know…and I’m also willing to bet that’s why you’re with him. So you can go back to your college or whatever it is you do all year, and tell all your little friends how you made out with a superstar. Because that’s all he is to you, Sheridan…a superstar. He’s only Justin to us. Get it through your head.

Sheridan’s mouth dropped open. She couldn’t believe the things Elisha was saying. She didn’t know…she wasn’t around to see anything that went on. Why was everybody so bitter about them dating? It wasn’t the end of the world. Justin wasn’t some kind of god…

DoctorQuinn821: Oh please. Stop acting like he’s so above everybody else. That’s what made him so fucked up in the first place. I can relate to Justin…if I couldn’t, we wouldn’t be as close as we are. And oh yeah…I know a lot more about him than you think.

Crabbypatty: You don’t know anything about people like us. People like you are just…too normal to understand. I mean, you’ve never been on stage…in front of millions of people. You don’t know what its like to have your life pried into every moment of every day. What’s going to happen when Justin starts interviewing again? He will you know. All the big new shows are setting dates through Johnny right now. He’s going to be a wreck…a person you couldn’t ever understand. And I’m really sorry Sheridan…I’m sorry to be so bitter right now. But Justin…he needs to be around his own kind when that time comes.

DoctorQuinn821: His own kind? Now who’s the quack?

She hit the keys hard as she typed the words. What a nerve. Why did she think she could simply walk back into Justin’s life, and take charge? She didn’t know him anymore…nobody did. At least…that was her outlook on things. How could his friends know him anymore? After all…Justin was the one who said he barely knew himself. It wasn’t fair for Elisha to be talking to her like this…talking down to her.

Crabbypatty: I think I’m done. I don’t feel like losing my sanity right now, seeing as how I have to be on the set in forty five minutes.

DoctorQuinn821: Oh you poor thing…getting paid all that money to say a bunch of stupid ass lines must be hard work, Elisha.

Sheridan pounded her fist against the computer desk. She couldn’t believe it…first her own mother gave her shit about Justin…then Lynn and now Elisha. What was next? Justin’s father…those other guys from NSYNC? Trace’s family? She didn’t want to find out.

It just wasn’t worth it. Obviously, fate didn’t want her to be with Justin. Obviously…despite everything she’d done for him, everything she’d been through…she simply wasn’t cut out for him.

She wanted to be with him. She wanted it more than anything else in the world. But she wasn’t about to kill herself trying to make it work out.

***********

Justin couldn’t remember the last time he felt this carefree. Today, for the first time since his accident, he’d been able to sit down in a public place, and enjoy himself. The wait staff had been extremely pleasant, seating the three of them in the back of the restaurant, and reassuring them that they wouldn’t be disturbed. They didn’t acknowledge his handicap…and the best thing of all was…they didn’t treat him like he was ‘special’. Now, he wasn’t sure if Tiny or his mother had anything to do with their behavior…but it didn’t matter. He was grateful not to be gawked at like a freak for once.

Tiny was great too. From the moment they met out by the car, until the moment they said their goodbyes, he’d been nothing but supportive…his friend. Tiny didn’t talk much about Trace, unless the subject was brought up by his mother or himself. Justin was thankful for that. He didn’t mention it of course…but he was sure if Tiny had brought up everything…the accident…how he wasn’t able to attend the funeral…how he was taking it, he was sure he would have had a meltdown. Justin was sure Tiny knew that too. He always seemed to know everything that was on his mind, and despite that fact that Justin’s personality differed greatly from before…Tiny was able to deal with it, and figure him out.

The lunch seemed to make his mother ease up a lot too. She seemed genuinely happy. She laughed at Tiny’s jokes, and the stories he told about different things that had been going on lately. She didn’t seem so…bitter anymore. Justin even considered bringing Sheridan up, thinking maybe she’d be willing to listen to some of the funny things that had happened between them. He chickened out though. He was afraid that if he did bring up the subject, his mother’s mood would turn sour…the lunch would be ruined…and it would be entirely his fault.

All in all the lunch went perfect. But…what would a public outing be with out the paparazzi? Of course, the moment they came out of the restaurant, there was a photographer there…his camera ready. Then came the flash…bright in his face. Justin hadn’t known how to react. This picture…it would appear in magazines…on television…on the internet. He wasn’t ready for the whole world to see him like this yet, and for a moment, he was sure he’d stopped breathing. It was only when he heard Tiny started yelling at the photographer, was he able to he regain control of himself.

To say Tiny had lost it was an understatement. Justin saw the look in his eyes…it was look that said ‘I’m going to fucking kill you’. He’d only seen that look once before…when some girl jumped up on stage during a show, on the Celebrity Tour. He never knew what happened to her of course. All he knew was that Tiny had been the one to pull her off the stage…his eyes full of rage. Of course she was harmless. Justin and the other guys even laughed about it afterward. But Tiny didn’t take any crap, especially when it came to people getting ‘too close’.

“Give me the film,” Tiny had grunted to the man.

“Hey man,” the photographer had laughed. “I gotta get my money too. One little picture isn‘t gonna hurt.”

After that was said, Justin had watched the dark look in Tiny’s eyes turn to an enraged one. Then Tiny had pulled the man over to him by the scuff of his shirt, and pressed his face close to his. “I said,” he’d said darkly. “Give me the film.”

Needless to say. The picture wouldn’t be appearing anywhere.

It was like old times.

They’d parted ways soon after that, Tiny making him promise to call him as soon as he felt like hanging out again. Justin reassured him that he would. He definitely knew there was going to be a time he needed to go out…or needed to talk to somebody that really knew him. That was when Tiny was going to be needed the most.

Now he was back at Karen’s. His mother had left a little while ago, telling him she was going out to dinner with Johnny to discuss some business detail. He felt a piercing sensation in his gut upon hearing the news. Meeting with Johnny meant he wanted to talk about his career…about what was going to happen now that he was ‘available.’ Justin hadn’t really thought about going back to work again, although he knew his label would want him to at least start interviewing. He knew that was what sold…that his fans and the public were eagerly awaiting his return. He knew if he wrote a song right now…it would be just as successful as “Like I Love You” had been. Maybe even more so.

But he didn’t know if he could face all those people again. The reporters…the VJ’s on MTV. The talk show hosts. The DJ’s. They were the ones that tore him down. They were the ones that weren’t afraid to ask him those heart wrenching questions, that drove him out of his skull. They weren’t afraid to talk about Trace and say ‘oh yeah…I met him once or twice. He was a great kid.’ That was a load of bullshit, because they didn’t know Trace at all. They didn’t know the kind of person he was…or how hard he’d worked. In actuality, the only thing most people could ever say about Trace was that he was a ‘freeloader’. Yes, Trace was his best friend, but Justin wasn’t the type of person to have somebody working for them that was a moron. Trace was so…smart, so organized. He was always on top of things, and at times Trace remembered things that he would have totally forgot about otherwise.

He was sure he was going to be lost without him.

But, if Johnny wanted him to do this again, he’d hold his head up high and do it. He couldn’t tell the man no, because he’d basically taken him from a boy band idol…to a Grammy winning superstar. But he was going to make it damn clear that he wasn’t’ about to talk with these people about what happened to Trace. It wasn’t any of their business. They could ask him about his therapy…about how awful it was for him to go through something like this. Hell, they could even ask him about his love life…and he would tell them “I’m seeing somebody”. But Trace…he wasn’t ready to talk about that with any of them.

And he knew he never would be.

During the ride home, all he’d been able to think about was Sheridan and how badly he wanted to work things out with her. But when he’d gotten back here, Sheridan was on her way out the door. She said she had some errands to run. He asked her if he could go, but she hadn’t obliged. She said she wouldn’t be gone long…and Justin decided to play along, not wanting to cause a scene in front of his mother and Karen.

And naturally, his mother was pleased that he didn’t accompany Sheridan.

Not even a pleasant day out with her son could change her mind about the situation.

Now it was well after nine o’clock at night and Sheridan still wasn’t home. Normally he would be worried, but tonight he wasn’t. He figured it was because he had so much on his mind that there was no room left to be wondering where Sheridan was. Yes, he wished she would come home…but he wasn’t about to make himself sick over it. She was probably just blowing off some steam with a friend. He knew she had friends around…despite the fact that she never talked about them. She was so secretive. In fact, he was almost positive that Marcy still didn’t know about their relationship. It pained him to know this, simply because he didn’t hesitate to talk about all of this with the people in his life.

He was starting to think she didn’t care about him as much as she let on. Sometimes…he couldn’t tell. She seemed so genuinely happy with him…almost as if she loved him. But then there were other times, like right now, that he wasn’t sure what to think. Why was Sheridan so secretive about their relationship? Why didn’t she want people to know? Was she simply trying to protect him?

Or was she embarrassed by him?

He heard the front door open and slam shut a moment later. He looked over his shoulder in time to see Sheridan walking, or rather, stumbling into the house. She seemed tired…drained. He didn’t have a clue why. “Hey,” he said to her. “Where were you?”

She staggered toward him. “I,” she giggled. “I was having a party.” She collapsed onto the floor, and sprawled out across it. “And I had so much fun.”

Sheridan was obviously drunk. Justin didn’t even know she did this sort of thing. He’d never seen her pick up a bottle before. “You were drinking,” he told her. “How’d you get home?”

“Drove,” she mumbled, turning on her side. “Drove fast.”

“That’s was fucking stupid,” he snapped. He couldn’t believe she would do this, after what he’d told her about Trace, and the accident…she knew how freaked out he would be that she’d gone and driven drunk. Why had she done this? Was it out of spite? But why would she be spiteful? He just didn’t’ understand her. He flicked off the television, which had been on mute for sometime now, and wheeled himself closer to where Sheridan was sprawled out on the floor. Then he smelled it…the foul stench of alcohol. It was something he’d grown accustomed to in his life, but smelling it right now was making him uneasy. He felt himself begin to tremble, and then he heard it…

“You’re friend is a whore,” she laughed. “A little whore.”

He felt his emotions begin to crumble. He knew he couldn‘t lose it. Sheridan needed him to be the mature one right now. But the memory, it was tearing him apart just like it always did.

Then he saw it. Trace in the bed that was set up before him. It was just like the aftermath of the accident. The hissing of the respirator…the beeps and buzzes of the other machines, it was all there. The tubes running in and out of him, they were still there. That Coldplay song…it was still playing.

He shook his head roughly and grunted, putting every ounce of strength he had forward, desperately trying to calm himself down. After a moment, he didn’t hear the voices or see the horrible images anymore. He sat up and let out a shaky sigh, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He felt like he was about to be sick now, but he didn’t care. Anything was better than relieving all of that.

“I’m not good enough, she says,” Sheridan spoke up, slurring her words as she spoke. “I betcha I could out drink ‘er any day.”

“Sheridan,” he said, finally able to speak. “What happened to you? I know you, and I know you don’t drink. Did something happen? Did somebody say something to you?”

“I’m fine,” she yelled. “Why don’t you go roll into a wall or something?”

“What the fuck?” he heard himself yell. “I don’t…I don’t get this at all. First you were upset, understandably upset…but then…then you go and get drunk? Sheridan, I don’t’ know what happened today, but there’s no reason to pull this shit. You could have talked to me.”

“No-oo,” she whined. “You don’t wanna listen. You just wanna do your stupid shhhit.”

Now she was hysterical. Justin sighed. He wanted to help her, but he knew there was no way he could get to her from his wheelchair. And if he managed to get to the floor, it wouldn’t do him any good either, because he wouldn’t’ be able to get up again. Sheridan certainly wasn’t in any condition to help him. “Sheridan, please calm down. I can’t help you if you don’t calm down.”

“Shut up Justin!” she cried. “I don’t care what you want…it’s always about you!”

“What’s going on…Sheridan…why are you on the floor?”

He looked toward the voice to find Karen standing in the doorway. He shook his head, and rubbed his forehead with his hand. “I think she’s drunk,” he told her.

Karen’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I’m nah drunk,” Sheridan protested. “A’m fine.”

“Why is she drunk,” Karen asked after a moment. “How the hell did she get drunk?”

“I guess that’s what she was doing all this time she was out,” Justin informed her.

“She was supposed to be at the library working on her paper for school,” Karen nodded.

“Guess she never made it,” he replied. He looked back at Sheridan. This time, her eyes were closed, and a moment later she let out a loud snore. She was out cold. Justin was a little thankful. She didn’t need to give her mother another excuse to be angry with her. “She’ll be okay.”

“This is absolutely unacceptable,” Karen said sternly. “What did you say to her, Justin?”

“Me? Karen…why would you think--”

“You were the last one she talked to before she left,” Karen nodded. “What did you say to her.”

Justin let out a sad laugh. “I told her I’d see her later, Karen. What the hell do you think I said?”

She shrugged.

“Look, I’m…I’m leaving, and it’s not the easiest thing for her to deal with. Between that…and the way my mom treated her, well,…I mean I guess she had to seek refuge somewhere. I couldn’t be around today like I know I should have been. If I was, I‘m sure she would have taken out her anger on me instead.”

Karen crossed the room and plopped down in the overstuffed chair. She focused her gaze on Sheridan for several moments before speaking again. “I’m going to tell you something Justin. And I need you to listen to me, very closely. I need you to understand my perspective on this.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

“Sheridan doesn’t take loss well. I probably know that better than anybody. She’s become very attached to you very quickly Justin…and I know you’ve become attached to her as well. But with Sheridan it’s different. When she cares about you, she latches onto you…and she doesn’t want to let go. It was like that with her father. They were very close, closer than she and I will ever be. When she lost him…it was like the end of the world had come for her. She’s never gotten over it Justin. And don’t let her fool you with this story she tells about how she came out of it. She hasn’t’ come out of it, Justin. And you leaving well…it’s like she’s losing another part of herself all over again,” she paused, and stared out into space for several moments before continuing on. “My advice to you, is to talk to her when she’s…well…when she’s gotten her head together, and decide if this bond you two have is really worth all of this.”

“She has a lot to do,” Karen informed him. “She has school coming up, and she needs to be focused for that. It’s her senior year, and I know you can’t really understand that because you’ve never dealt with college before. But she needs to do well…to impress people. She needs to get into a good medical school Justin. I won’t have anything, or anyone keep her from that. It’s her future. Please…if you care about her, then that’s fine…but you just better be sure that you stay with her even if things start to go downhill.”

He wanted to tell her that it wasn’t an issue. But then, he started to think about what she said. What if she was right? What if something went wrong, and he just couldn’t’ be with her anymore? What would it do to Sheridan? He knew she had fallen for him, probably as hard as anybody could fall for somebody. And she knew she was sensitive, despite the tough, sophisticated image she tried to put on for everybody. Something like that…a breakup…it would destroy her. Especially if it happened after she went away to school. Maybe…

Maybe it just wasn’t worth it.

“God Karen,” he finally said. “I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.”

“Do what you think is right,” she said. “Even if it means…well, I know you know.”

He sighed. “I just---I need to talk to her.”

She rose from the chair. “And tomorrow is another day. Come on, let’s get you in bed. You have a long day tomorrow. I got you a few meetings with some new doctors.”

He nodded. “My mom told me. She’s coming around eleven.”

“I don’t want you to dwell on tonight,” Karen said, getting behind him and pushing him forward. “I want you to think about what I said, and do what’s right. It’s not…an issue, and I’m not mad. I just want what’s best for my daughter, and what’s best for you too.”

Karen was giving him good advice. He was thankful, but at the same time he was frightened. He didn’t want to be apart from Sheridan. He wanted to keep the relationship they had, and work on making it better. He wanted to fall madly in love with her, and get on with his life. But things with Sheridan weren’t that easy. In fact, he knew the easiest thing he could do was date a girl that was among his group of friends. But he didn’t’ want to. Sheridan. That was who he cared about. That was who understood him, and stood by him

But everybody else seemed to think it was impossible for it to work.

Sheridan felt her eyes open. They felt like two heavy garage doors being pried open with a crowbar. For awhile, she couldn’t keep them open longer than a few seconds. She felt like she was still asleep, not even being able to comprehend where she was or how she’d gotten there in the first place. The massive pounding in her head was the only sure fire sign that she was indeed, awake. Ten minutes passed, and she was finally able to open her eyes, and keep them that way. Everything was blurry, and remained that way no matter how much she squinted her eyes. Her body throbbed and ached, complaining to her about what she’d put it through the night before. She realized she was on the floor…and after studying the white ceramic tiles, she realized she was in the first floor bathroom, and that she’d most likely been there since late last night. She closed her eyes again, trying to remember what happened upon her return home last night, but all she could see or hear was Justin. His expression was grim, and he seemed to loom high above her in his wheelchair. He was sad, worried. He kept saying ‘what happened to you?’.

She tried to tell him, only to realize moments later that he was only an image in her mind.

She let out a miserable groan and forced herself to sit up, her head managing to collide with the side of the toilet bowl as she did so. A horrible sound came out of her, like a cat dying. She never thought she could feel so sick…so terrible. She grabbed her head with her hands and rocked back and forth, willing her massive headache away. Then she smelled it…an awful, foul stench coming from the toilet bowl. She wondered how many times she’d vomited into it last night. She shuddered at the thought, and reached up to flush the toilet.

Her head began to pound more profusely, causing her to let out a worse sound than she let out before. She leaned against the toilet bowl for support, and heard, rather than felt herself begin to cry.

“Sheridan.”

She heard her mothers displeased tone, and wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She didn’t have the strength to look at her. She didn‘t have the composure to get a lecture from her right now either. All she wanted to do, she realized, was sit there until the pounding in her head ceased…or at least until she threw up again. Whichever came first. “Hmm.”

“Get up, Sheridan.” Her mother crossed the room and stood over her. “Now.”

She covered her face with her hands. “Go away,” she croaked. “I’m sick.”

“You wouldn’t be sick if you hadn’t drank yourself into oblivion last night,” her mother reminded her. “Get up. If your not going to the hospital today, you can at least help me get some work done. The horses are taken care of, but I have a ton of paperwork and phone calls I have to take care of today. I need you to start packing up Justin’s things. He‘s got a lot on his list for the last week he‘s going to be here, and he won‘t have time to do it himself. Leave enough clothes in the drawers to last him the week, and put the rest into his luggage.”

“Wha--” She wasn’t sure if she was hearing her mother correctly. Why pack Justin’s things now? He was so picky about what clothes he wore, Sheridan knew she would have to go back and rummage through his suitcases again to find that specific shirt or pair of jeans. She couldn’t help but smile at the thought, but it quickly faded when her mother’s voice snapped her back to the current situation.

“I don’t feel sorry for you,” her mother grumbled. “You got yourself into this, after we’d repeatedly discussed the reasons why it wasn’t a good idea. Justin was a wreck last night because of you. I nearly had to give him a sedative to get him to sleep.”

She found she didn’t have the strength to turn her head and look at her mother, but she didn’t hesitate to reply. “You didn’t give it to him did you?” she asked.

“No. I didn’t have to. He was so exhausted with worry, he fell asleep on his own. Thank you Sheridan…thank you for making his life that much more strenuous. But then, making other people miserable is nothing new with you.”

It was her fault. She nodded, accepting this. After all, in her mother’s eyes, everything that went wrong seemed to be her fault. It started with her father and went on down the line. She was used to it. Of course, her relationship with her mother wasn’t as bad as it had been a few years ago. But right now, her mother was acting that same horrible way again. Like she was hopeless…useless.

“Get up.”

“I slept on the bathroom floor,” she croaked out. “And I feel like hell right now, mom. Just…leave me alone today okay?”

Her mother stepped over her and opened up the medicine cabinet above the sink. “Here,” she grunted, tossing a bottle of Advil on Sheridan’s lap. “Take two and get over yourself.”

“Mom--”

“Sheridan, I’m not in the mood for this right now, okay? Lynn is here…and she’s been impossible all morning. Justin barely got through his therapy because some of it‘ looked too strenuous’. I had to skip half the machines, and the bars well…they were out of the question.” She sighed, and ran a hand through her hair. “I really hate to say this…but I’ll be happy when he’s gone. That woman is insane.” She checked her hair in the mirror before turning back to her. “Come on, hurry up,” she ordered. “There’s work to be done.”

Sheridan watched her mother walk out of the bathroom, before she laid down on the floor again. Then she felt her stomach turn, and a few moments later she was vomiting into the toilet again. It was horrible, but after she’d finished she felt a little better. Completely out of energy again, she curled herself into a ball, hoping it would get the throbbing pain in her head to stop for a few minutes. Then her eyes closed. She didn’t want to fall back to sleep…she knew she couldn’t. But she wasn’t comfortable any other way.

Getting drunk was something Sheridan hadn’t done in almost a year. In fact, the only other time she remembered getting as drunk as she’d been the night before, was at Marcy’s birthday party last May. Of course, she hadn’t gone to the party with the intention on getting trashed…but Marcy wanted her to ‘live a little’. Five shots of tequila and a margarita later though, she’d been passed out on the floor, and woken up with a horrible hangover the next day.

Last night she hadn’t been at a party though. Sheridan simply needed to get out of the house, and get her aggressions out any way she could. Everything that happened that day was clouding her mind…so much that she could hardly think straight. Elisha’s words to her…they echoed in her mind as if the girl had been right there with her instead of on the other end of the IM conversation. They blamed her…they cursed her…they told her she wasn’t good enough. Sheridan found herself breaking down into tears before she ended up at a bar on the outskirts of town.

The place was pretty much empty, and Sheridan had been thankful. She needed peace…time to think. Then the bartender came over to her and offered her a drink. Normally, she would have been against the idea. The story Justin told her about his own unfortunate experience making her even more cautious about drinking and driving. But she was so upset, and that bartender…he was just so sympathetic. She couldn’t resist.

Then, in a whirlwind, she’d found herself looking into the bottom of her tenth beer mug. She didn’t know she had it in her to consume so much beer, and she didn’t know how she got home without having an accident. She knew she’d probably come close to crashing once or twice though.

“Oh my god,” she said, her eyes snapping open at the realization of what she’d almost caused herself to do. She could have ended up like Justin…paralyzed…in a wheelchair. She could have ended up like Trace too…dead. She quickly sat up again, trying to ignore the wave of nausea that passed over her as she did so. “Oh shit.”

“Sheridan!” Her mother’s voice called from somewhere out in the hallway. “I‘m not going to tell you again!”

Sheridan obliged, not without letting out another miserable groan first. She staggered to her feet, and the room started to spin again…just like it had the night before. She clutched her stomach and moaned, leaning on the sink for support. She stared down into the basin, wishing it was already filled with water so she wouldn’t have to labor at turning the faucet on.

“Sheridan!”

“I’m coming dammit!” she yelled. “Can I wash my face?” She shook her head in annoyance before finally turning the water on, letting it fill the sink before turning off. She cupped her hands and dunked them into the pool of water, splashing it on her face. It felt good, and after drying her face off she began to feel a little better. Realizing how thirsty she was, she grabbed the tumbler and filled it with water, drinking it down in two gulps. She repeated this process several times before finally deciding she was ready to face the world again. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked horrible. Her hair was disheveled and her eyes were bloodshot and swollen…as if she hadn’t slept in days.

She hoped Justin wouldn’t get the chance to see her like this. But with his mother around, she doubted he even remembered she existed. The very thought of Justin caused her to inhale a shaky breath. No…she wouldn’t cry. She’d done enough of that at the bar last night. What she needed to do…had to do…was listen to her mother. Her mother knew best…

She should have listened to her mother a long time ago…when she said Justin wasn’t good boyfriend material. She hated that she could be so stubborn about things she felt strongly about.

Her father had been stubborn too.

She pulled the plug from the sink, watching the water empty from it before she finally emerged from the bathroom. She heard her mother’s voice coming from somewhere…probably the office. She was on the phone. It sounded like she was talking to her assistant. It was boring…business talk. Sheridan didn’t care.

But she did care when she heard the sound of his laughter coming from the kitchen. She paused mid-step, wanting to forget all about her pain and anxiety towards him and his mother. She wanted to go over and talk to him. She turned on her heel and started for the kitchen.

“Hey!” she heard him exclaim. “Johnny! How are you?”

She skidded to a stop.

Johnny, she’d learned from a conversation they’d had in the past, was Justin’s co-manager. He was NSYNC’s manager too, and from what Justin told her, he was one of the biggest inspirations in his life. She couldn’t bother him now. There was no doubt in her mind that Lynn was standing right there with him, probably having made the call for him. She didn’t belong in that scene…she had no place there. She would just go pack. That was her place right now. That was what her mom needed her to do.

Somehow, she managed to drag herself into Justin’s bedroom. She felt odd being inside the room without him. The more she thought about it, she couldn’t really recall a time she’d been in here all by herself. Whenever she tidied up the room, Justin was always with her; helping her make the bed or fold his clothes. She glanced around the room, realizing she’d never taken the time to notice any of the possessions that he’d brought from home. There were CD’s piled everywhere of course, but she expected that. Justin liked to listen to music at night, while he was laying in bed. Most of the time, he’d use his walkman. But sometimes…like the nights she didn’t have to be up all that early the next day, they would sit and listen to music together. Those were her favorite times. Music…it seemed to make Justin come alive. He would get this look in his eyes…this passion. He’d rip the song apart, pointing out things she would have never noticed otherwise. She smiled at the memory, but then felt it fade…knowing that things weren’t going to be like that between them anymore.

Her attention was drawn to a picture frame that rested on Justin’s nightstand. She was sure she’d never seen it before. In fact, she knew that Justin didn’t keep any pictures around. His mother must have brought it for him. She wondered what it was a picture of. Trace crossed her mind, but then again she knew Lynn probably wouldn’t have wanted Justin to think about all of that right now. No, it must have been something else. Curious, she crossed the room and picked up the picture. She couldn’t help but smile when she saw what it actually was.

Justin was sitting on a sofa, two small boys curled up on his lap, one obviously much younger than the other. They looked so happy…so carefree. Justin had this aura about him, unlike one she’d ever seen before. He looked complete…content. And she knew he probably hadn’t felt that good in a very long time. She wished she could make him that way again. But knowing that she couldn’t, she put the picture back where she’d gotten it.

Then she saw what looked like an envelope sticking out of one of the CD cases that was piled on the nightstand. Not being able to help herself again, she glanced over her shoulder, then pulled the envelope out. It was a letter, addressed to him. The writing was legible but a little immature, and Sheridan figured it had probably been written by the older of the two boys in the picture. With another small smile, she pulled the letter out and began to read it.

Sheridan carefully folded the letter and slipped it back into the envelope. She felt her throat tighten, and swallowed hard, trying to calm herself. Justin never told her he had any siblings, and she was sure Lynn was too old to have two small children. She was so confused, but quickly realized that it wasn’t her place to pry. She figured, Justin was extremely attached to those boys, and talking about them probably would have caused him to break down. She felt bad she’d even read the letter. She was sure Justin didn’t want her to know about it…how it was probably killing him inside to know he couldn’t be there for his brothers like they wanted him to be.

She wished there was something she could do.

But there wasn’t anything she could do. She didn’t know the situation, and she wasn’t a part of his family. He was sure his mother was handling it anyway, as she’d probably been the one to give him the letter in the first place. She was sure it would all work out for him eventually.

She crouched down and pulled Justin’s suitcases out from under the bed. She figured the best thing she could do right now was pack. The faster she packed, the faster she could get out of the room, and possibly out of the house. She needed air. She was hot…sweaty. But it was probably due to the fact that she was so sick, and hadn’t taken a shower yet. With a sigh, she plopped the suitcases on the bed and opened the first drawer full of clothes. The aroma of Justin’s cologne overwhelmed her almost immediately. She pulled out one of his shirts, and couldn‘t help but smile a little. It was one of the many tees he possessed, with the silly phrases printed on them. This one, in particular, said Betcha can’t eat just one!. She’d never understood his fascination with them, she knew he had enough money to buy the best name brand fashions on the market. But Justin said fashion was all for show. He felt comfortable in these kinds of clothes…they made him feel ‘normal’.

She hugged the shirt to her chest, breathing in his scent. You’re too attached, she thought. You’re going to ruin everything you’ve worked for.

She curled up on his bed, not realizing she’d been crying until her head hit the pillow. The bed was messy, slept in, and it still smelled like him. She wanted him there, to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay…

Even if it really wasn’t.

**************

“Well,” his mother smiled, sitting down in the seat adjacent from him. “Is it as good as always?”

“Mmmhmm,” Justin grunted in approval, shoving another forkful of pancakes into his mouth. It was his third plate in a row. He knew Karen didn’t approve of overeating, but she wasn’t around. His mother was though, and she insisted on feeding him until he was completely satisfied. It wasn‘t the wisest decision she could have made. It had been so long since he’d had his mothers home cooking, he knew he could eat at least ten plates of the stuff before even starting to feel full. He swallowed what was in his mouth before speaking again. “This is great mom. Really.”

Johnny was surprisingly civil with him on the phone. He barely discussed his going back to his career again, and Justin was almost positive it was the first time he’d held a conversation with Johnny that didn’t involve ‘numbers’ and ‘dates.’ It seemed that Johnny was more focused on his well being than anything else, and Justin was thankful for that. He didn’t know if it had anything to do with the dinner he and his mother shared the previous evening, and he didn’t care. He was only thankful that Johnny was able to act human towards him, despite the horrible tragedy that seemingly, had taken a firm hold over everyone close to him.

He did mention Trace though, which almost made Justin regret calling him in the first place. But Johnny was bold, and Justin told himself from the start that he should have expected that from him. He’d said and asked the basic things. How he was sorry about the accident. That Trace was ’a good kid, and a great businessman’. He told him that he went to the funeral, and that it was a beautiful ceremony. Justin wished he’d skipped that part. It made his eyes watery and his breathing more rapid. He knew his mother noticed too, since she’d nearly taken the phone away from him before he stopped her.

Justin felt that Johnny was testing him. If he could handle talking about his accident with Johnny, he could talk about it with reporters, vj’s, radio stations…anybody. It was a key factor in putting himself back in the entertainment scene. He figured it was part of the reason Johnny and his mother had dinner together, and why he wanted to speak with him that morning. The phone call ended on a bittersweet note. They’d made plans to have lunch a week after he got settled back home. He said he wanted Elisha there too. He wanted to ‘discuss the situation’.

Johnny knew about the baby. And he knew because his mother told him. It was the only thing Justin was annoyed about. Elisha didn’t want people to know. What if the news about her pregnancy got around to the wrong person? He tried to tell himself that Johnny was trustworthy. After all, he’d been working with him since his late teens. Why would Johnny betray his trust now?

He needed to work on trusting people more.

His mother rested her chin on her hand, and smiled again. “You know, I haven’t seen you in this good of a mood since…well…since before.”

“Well,” he said softly, stabbing into his pancakes with his fork. “I haven’t felt this good since before.”

His mother bit her bottom lip, and nodded, beginning to consume her own plate of food.

“I got a letter the other day,” Justin spoke up, remembering the piece of mail Karen had given him a few days ago. The letter was from Jonathan, and for a few hours, Justin hadn’t been able to open it. He’d simply sat there in front of the television, staring at the bright yellow envelope. It was the first time in a long time he’d had a reason to think about his brothers and what all of this was doing to them. He figured they must have been hurt that he hadn’t called or written. But it wasn’t like he hadn’t wanted to.

Finally, he’d decided to open the letter, knowing there was no other way to get past his insecurities. He was pleasantly surprised to find a photograph enclosed. He recognized the picture from two Christmases ago. The boys had been delighted, because they’d been able to spend their entire Christmas break with him, as he hadn‘t had to work at all. Of course, it wasn’t the easiest weak…chasing two kids around the house was always a chore. But Justin had done it to the best of his abilities. Trace had been around too of course, giving them noogies until they begged him to stop, joining forces with Steven for some two on two play station time, romping around the basketball court in the driveway…

The boys always loved Trace.

He didn’t tell Sheridan about it. He wanted to, but then…everything seemed to happen at once. His lunch with Elisha…his mother coming here. There was no time to discuss it. He felt bad about it. He told Sheridan everything, and didn’t want her to feel like he was keeping anything from her. But the boys were a delicate subject. He was as close to them as he had been to Trace, and it was hard enough to talk about Trace without breaking down. He promised himself that he would talk to her about it eventually, when their minds were both free of any sort of stress or confusion.

Or, simply…when Sheridan wasn’t drunk.

The thought that she’d driven home in that state kept him awake for a good portion of the night. Karen was almost forced to give him a sedative, after she’d checked in on him a second time and he still wasn’t asleep. He faked it though. He pretended to drift off while she was in the middle of another one of her lectures, and thankfully, she bought it. His eyes snapped open almost immediately after she left the room though, and for another few hours all he’d been able to do was lay there and think about how close Sheridan probably came to getting hurt, or even worse…dying. He’d cried over it too. It was that silent, empty sort of crying that he’d done in the hospital so the nurses wouldn’t hear him. He would never confess any of this to Sheridan or Karen of course. He didn’t want to make them feel that they’d caused his emotional blowout.

He was only thankful that his mother decided to cook for him this morning. Otherwise, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes open.

“A letter?” his mother spoke up. “From who?”

He took in a breath before responding. “Jonathan.”

His mother was silent for a moment, staring down at her plate like it was made out of gold. “Lisa mentioned that Jonathan wrote to you. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t think Karen would have given you the letter.”

“Well, she did,” he nodded. “He seems really…bitter, mom. Like I don’t know, it seems like he doesn’t want to let on how upset he is or something.”

“He’s like you,” his mother chuckled. “Always has been.”

“I really want to see them,” he sighed.

“Maybe in a few weeks,” Lynn told him. “Get yourself settled back at the house first.”

He shrugged. “I guess.” He didn’t want to wait a few weeks to see his brothers. He knew how hard this whole thing was on them, and all he wanted to do was reassure them that he was going to be okay…that he was still their brother and he was going to be there for them. But he knew the idea was unrealistic. He still had to move…find a new doctor…get used to living in the real world again. And Sheridan well, that was another project.

“Do you still have the letter?” she asked him.

“Oh yeah,” he responded. “He sent me a picture too.” He pushed back from the table. “I’ll go get them.” He turned himself around and quickly wheeled himself down the hallway toward his room. He thought that maybe, if his mother read the letter and saw the picture, she might be persuaded to call Lisa and talk her into sending the boys out. Surely, she would have to see how much Jonathan was hurting from all of this.

He rolled himself to up to his doorway, only to find that the door was closed. And as he listened more closely, he was sure he could hear somebody inside…crying. He frowned, knowing who it was. He turned the doorknob and pushed his way into the room. He let out a defeated sigh when he spotted Sheridan curled up on his bed, hugging one of his t-shirts to her chest, sobbing quietly. He blamed himself for her behavior. If it weren’t for his mother…his problems, Sheridan wouldn’t be miserable. He began to think about what it would have been like if they’d never met. Would he have turned out worse? Would Sheridan be better off?

He didn’t have an answer.

“Sheridan,” he managed to get out after a moment. When she didn’t answer, he rolled himself closer to the bed and put his hand on her shoulder. “Sher.”

“Leave me alone,” she muttered. She flipped herself over, so her back was facing him.

“Could you look at me?” he asked her.

She was silent.

Justin looked down at his lap, and toyed with the bottom of his t-shirt. “I…I feel like you hate me right now.”

She quickly flipped back over, and stared at him. “I don’t hate you,” she whispered. She sniffled, and wiped the tears off of her face with the shirt she was holding. “Why would you ever think that?”

He didn‘t answer her question. “Why’d you get so drunk last night? Why couldn’t you just talk me? Drinking never solves anything…” he trailed off and looked down at his lap. “You know that Sheridan.”

“I couldn’t talk to you,” she whispered. “Your mom was around, and you were so happy…I wasn’t about to mess that up, Justin.”

“It’s just us now,” he nodded, taking one of her hands in his. “Nobody is around…and I’m not gonna be happy until I know what’s wrong with you. Just tell me Sher…I don‘t care what it is.”

“Do you…do you really think I‘m good enough for you?” she asked him finally. Her eyes were wide, frightened.

Justin cocked his head to the side. “What?”

“I mean…,” she sighed. “Do you really think I’m right girl for you? I mean, for all you know, I could just be after your celebrity…right?”

“Sheridan…how could you ask me a question like that?” He was confused now, more than ever. Good enough? Of course she was good enough. He didn’t have set standards. That wasn’t the kind of guy he was anymore. Not that he was going to go out and date just anybody…but Sheridan didn’t need to worry. She was beautiful. Why she couldn’t see that, he had no idea. “You don’t even know who the other members of NSYNC are,” he continued, laughing a little to lighten the mood. “We had to play that trivia game Marcy brought with her, remember?”

A soft laugh escaped her. But she didn’t smile.

“Who’s been messing with your head?” he asked her, feeling himself grow angrier inside. “Did my mother put that in your head…that you only like me because of who I am? I swear to God…I’ll fuckin--”

“No, Justin,” she interrupted. “Your mom didn’t do anything.”

He let out a long breath. “Then who was it?”

She was silent. She looked down at the shirt she held in her free hand. “It doesn’t really matter. Just as long as you don’t think that I’m taking advantage of you, I’ll be okay.”

“I want to know who it is,” he demanded. “I’ve had enough of this shit. All these people…they don’t fuckin’ know you. Damn, I mean…every time I get into a relationship somebody always has something to say about it. Well you know what? This time…this time it’s different. You’re my girlfriend…being with you is my choice, and that’s it. Nobody else needs to say anything more about it. I already…I already lost my best friend. I‘m not going to lose you too.”

Her eyes widened at his comment, and Justin was sure that she was going to burst into tears all over again. After a moment or two though, she seemed to regain her composure, and spoke again. “But it does matter what they think,” she said softly. “I know it matters to you Justin. You’re close to your family, and you’re not just some regular guy. I know your friends and family don’t want you to---”

“Exactly,” he interrupted her. “They don’t want me to be with you. But I want to be with you.” He moved his hand to her face, and cupped her cheek with his palm. “I want to be with you,” he whispered, giving her a light kiss. “Nothin’ else matters.”

She returned his kiss, but it seemed like she was only putting half her heart into it. “You say that now, but what’s going to happen when you’re home, with all of them?,” she asked. “Justin, please don’t lie to me…I know you’re not going to want to be around me then.”

He pulled away from her slightly, hurt that she wasn’t taking anything he was telling her to heart. “Why won’t you listen to me?” he asked her. “It’s like--you want me to say ‘okay, you’re right, we shouldn’t be together’.”

She shrugged, but didn’t respond. Justin knew he was right. She did want him to say it. She wanted him to break up with her so he wouldn’t have to ‘deal with it’. No, she hadn’t said that, but he knew her, and he knew that was how she worked. Justin knew she was scared too, and figured breaking up was an easy way out for her. “I’m not breaking up with you,” he informed her. “So you can just forget it.”

She stared at him, looking as if she didn’t have any idea why he wanted to be with her. He began to realize that Sheridan had more emotional problems than he’d originally thought. She was so good at keeping her feelings locked away though, unless you really knew her, you would never be able to tell. It almost made him angry that she was keeping so much inside. After all, she was the one who told him keeping your feelings locked inside of you was the worst thing a person could do. If she really believed that, then why was she acting like this right now?

“Justin,” she whispered. “I can’t let you do this to yourself.”

“Do what?” he asked her. “Fall in love with you?”

She looked away from him.

“Sheridan.“ He shifted closer to her again, and brought his hand to her face, brushing the tears off of her cheeks. “Wasn’t it you who said it’s not healthy to keep your feelings bottled up? That you need to talk about them?”

“I wasn’t talking about me then,” she mumbled. “I was talking about you.”

“Why do you think that you’re feelings don’t matter? They do matter Sher. I’m not the only one that’s allowed to be in pain you know. Just because you‘re not like me…,” he looked down at his lap and then back to her. “In a wheelchair, doesn’t mean you don’t have your own issues. I’m here to listen to you too, Sheridan. You can talk to me too.”

She bit the corner of her lip, and sniffled a bit. “It’s hard for me to talk about things,” she confessed. “I know that…I act like I’m so open, and honest…”she tore her gaze from his before speaking again. “But, I’m really so insecure. I’m a mess, Justin. You‘re better off not having me around to screw things up. I mean, look at last night. I flipped out because…” she cut her speech short. “Nevermind.”

“Because of what,” he asked her softly. He knew she was starting to crack, and with a little more persuasion from him, he was sure she would confess the reason for her drunken stupor the previous evening.

“You’re mom is waiting, isn‘t she?”

“Sheridan,” he said, with more force. “Stop avoiding the damn subject and tell me. You can’t just run away from your problems.”

“Look who’s talking,” she said coldly. “Mr. I Can’t Do It.”

He didn’t take her comment to heart. He knew her emotions were out of whack, and she probably wasn’t hearing herself. It still hurt though, and he felt a lump begin to form in his throat, which he quickly swallowed back. “I’d be a lot worse off if you hadn’t helped me, Sheridan,” he said sadly. “I’m trying to get better…but it’s hard. You know it’s hard for me.”

She met his gaze again. Her eyes were full of regret. “I didn’t mean to say that.” She shifted closer to the edge of the bed, and put her hand to his face, caressing his cheek, his forehead. “I didn’t.”

He grabbed her hand and moved it down to his chest, holding it against him. He would have given anything to be able to crawl into the bed with her and wrap his arms around her. He knew Sheridan needed that right now…probably more than anything in the world. He frowned. It wasn’t fair. “I wish I could hold you,” he admitted, sadly. “And kiss you, and love you and prove to you how much I care about you. I want to so bad, Sher. But I just can’t, not like this…and I’m sorry.”

The look of regret on her face quickly changed to a look of sadness. “Don‘t apologize for that,” she croaked. “It’s not your fault.” Her bottom lip trembled, and a few more tears made their way down her face.

He bowed his head and kissed her hand. “You’re so important to me,” he whispered. “I hate to see you like this. I really wish you would tell me what happened, so I can try to fix it.”

“It’s only going to cause more problems if I tell you,” she said. “I don’t want that.”

“It’s going to cause problems either way,” he informed her. “They can either be between you and me, or between me and the person that did this to you. I don’t know about you--but I don’t want to have any more problems between us.”

She sighed. It was a sign. She was caving in.

He gave her hand a squeeze. “Please Sher.“

She hesitated for a few moments more, before finally replying. “Elisha.”

He shuddered at her response. “Elisha?”

She nodded. “That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”

He thought Elisha was his friend. Maybe even more than a friend. She could have been like a sister to him, if he wasn’t so uneasy being around her now that Trace was gone. But now…now he was nauseated by her. He’d opened up to her about Sheridan the day she’d told him about the baby. He’d told her everything. How they’d met…how their romance came about. And Elisha seemed to welcome the idea. She even seemed excited for him…that he was able to have a life outside of everything else. He was confused. But he didn’t know how he should react. He didn’t want to be angry with her, because of how close of a friendship they formed when Trace was alive, and because of what she’d meant to Trace. But at the same time, he couldn’t help but be angry, because Sheridan was so upset about it. The fact that he was moving back home to live with a girl that Sheridan didn’t know was enough for her to deal with. But now Elisha was against Sheridan? Putting all these crazy ideas in her head, when she didn’t even know her?

That wasn’t the Elisha he knew. Granted, she could be a bitch at times…but he’d never known her to be so cruel before. Especially to somebody that meant so much to him.

“Well…” he began, a slight tremble in his voice. “What happened? Did she call…or did she come by or something?”

“No,” Sheridan muttered. “We talked online. Somehow, she found my screen name. It seemed innocent enough. She was asking me for advice, and so I gave it to her. But then…I mean, I guess I was at fault too. I took something she said the wrong way, and…I called her a bitch. I didn’t mean to, but I wasn’t in the best mood. I was trying to work on my paper, and your mother had my nerves on edge…” She sighed and shook her head. “I wasn’t thinking.”

He was hurt. He felt so misguided…so lost. Going to live with Elisha was supposed to be a positive thing for everybody. And he felt, deep down, that when Elisha had the baby…it would almost be like getting Trace back in a way. But now, he didn’t know if he could even look at her, let alone trust her. What was he going to do? What was he going to say to her when he saw her again?

“It’s okay if you’re angry with me,” Sheridan spoke up.

He looked at her. Her eyes were glazed over again. He didn’t want her to cry anymore. “I’m not angry with you,” he managed to say. “I’m just…really hurt that she would do something like this. I thought I could trust her, you know?”

Sheridan nodded.

He blew out a breath of air. “What did she say to you?”

“Oh Justin…don’t make me tell you,” Sheridan pleaded. “Please.”

“I have to know,” he said softly. “I need to get to the bottom of this, before it blows up in both of our faces.”

Sheridan’s cheeks turned a light shade pink. “I started it. If I…didn’t get so nervous over something so stupid, everything would have been fine.”

Justin cocked his head to the side. “What’s stupid?”

Sheridan groaned. “I just…I asked her who was going to give you a bath. It’s so stupid…I shouldn’t have even asked. I just kept getting this image in my mind of this girl touching you. I guess you could call it jealousy,” she chuckled a little, then shrugged.

He brightened slightly. Despite the situation, Justin found it cute that Sheridan would be paranoid enough over another girl giving him a sponge bath, to ask about it. He felt himself smile. “You got jealous over me and my sponge?”

“You and your sponge?“ She let out a short burst of laughter. “I told you it was stupid,” she said, her amused expression beginning to fade as quickly as it came about.

“Well, what happened when you asked her?”

She wouldn’t look at him. “She said she was going to do it, and…she told me not to worry because she doesn’t have the time or the interest to steal you away from me.”

Elisha wasn’t like that. It was so strange to him. But then again, he knew Elisha was going through a lot of stuff too. Still he wondered…could one of her friends have done this? “Are you sure it was her, Sher?”

“She told me it was,” she supplied. “But I can’t really tell you either way, because I don’t know her like you do.”

Justin stroked his chin in thought. “What was her screen name? Do you remember?”

“Crabby patty,” she said. “I think…yeah…that was it.”

The name hit him like a ton of bricks. He felt his pulse quicken, and a wave of nausea washed over him. How? How could it be? He felt himself gag, but nothing would come up.

Sheridan gasped. “Justin!”

“I’m fine,” he said, coughing a little before managing to get a hold of himself. “Are you sure, Sheridan? Are you sure that was the name?,” he asked her.

She looked at him strangely. “Yes…I’m almost positive. Why?”

“Because,” he said, his voice quivering. “T-that was Trace’s screen name.”

“What?” Sheridan’s mouth hung open, and her eyes widened. “But--”

A knock came to the door just then, followed by his mother’s sweet questioning tone. He flinched. This wasn’t a good time to be interrupted.

“Justin,” his mother said softly. “Is everything okay?”

He didn’t take his gaze off of Sheridan. “Fine,” he called back.

“Did you find that letter?”

“Yes…I’ll be right there,” he said, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

“Okay well…I’ll be waiting for you,” she said.

“Justin,” Sheridan spoke up, once they were both certain his mother was out of range. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…that was his screen name, and the account was closed,” he told her.

She shot him a skeptical look. “Are you sure it was closed Justin? I mean, Elisha was his girlfriend…couldn’t she have kept it open, or taken his screen name?”

“No.” He shook his head vigorously. “It wasn’t…it wasn’t his normal name. He only used that name when he was on tour or on business with me,” he let go of her hand, and buried his face in his hands. “What the hell is going on?”

“Justin…I just--I don’t see how this could have happened. I’m sure Elisha must have assumed that screen name.”

He was sure he was losing his mind. He glanced around the room, looking for any sign of Trace…in a corner, sitting in the chair. He even backed up and glanced under the bed. Sure enough though, Trace was nowhere to be found. He almost laughed at himself? Was he that desperate for his friend? So desperate that he was willing to believe Trace contacted Sheridan through some weird internet vortex? “I’m losing my mind all over again,” he said sadly. “Right?”

“I told you I shouldn’t have said anything,” she groaned. “See?”

“I’m going to talk to her,” he said, more to himself than Sheridan.

“Who? Elisha?”

He met her gaze, and nodded. “Yeah.”

“No,” she said, with a shake of her head. “Just leave it.”

“I can’t,” he said. “If she said that stuff to you, I want to know why. And…well, if she didn’t…”

“We agreed that Trace isn’t a ghost,” she reminded him. “We agreed that he was just…a memory.”

He was silent for several moments. “You agreed,” he told her. “Not we.”

“Justin--”

“I’m getting to the bottom of this,” he said, not caring what she thought about it anymore. “I have to know. I mean…what if it was Trace? Wouldn‘t that be amazing Sher? Like…it would mean that he‘s been watching over us this whole time. That he was never really gone.”

“You’re talking crazy,” she said. She slid off the bed, and stood beside his chair. “You’re going to mess yourself up all over again. You’ve been doing good. You told me you haven’t see those things since that day by the pool.”

He never told her about that day on the bars. He wanted to of course, but he was afraid that if he told her, she would start to worry about him again. Or worse, call him insane. Even though Sheridan said she didn’t think he was crazy for seeing and talking to Trace, he was sure she thought it was weird. Anybody would think it was weird.

Bilbo had.

“I haven’t,” he lied. “But…I don’t know--”

“Trace didn’t IM me,” Sheridan stated. “Elisha did. And Elisha said those things to me. I‘m sorry if that‘s not what you want to hear…but it‘s the truth. Come on Justin, I know you’re not that naïve.”

He shrugged. “Okay,” he said sadly. “Don’t worry about it.” He reached over to his nightstand and pulled the letter his brother sent him out of the stack of CD’s, knocking over the photograph he‘d been sent as he did so.

“I’m not trying to brush this to the side,” she said, bending down to retrieve the photograph for him. “I just don’t want you to start---avoiding reality again.”

“Is that what I was doing?,” he chuckled. “Damn, at the hospital they just said I was…temporarily disturbed, or something.”

She rolled her eyes and handed him his photograph. “They were stupid at the hospital.”

He couldn’t help but steal a glance at the picture. He wondered if Sheridan had bothered to look at it, and if she had…did she realize who the boys even were?

“Your brothers,” she said, motioning to the picture. “Right?”

He half smiled. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t know you had brothers.”

“Half brothers,” he said, gazing at the picture again. “From my father’s second marriage. But…I don’t really consider them half brothers. We’re close…well, at least we were.” His shoulders sagged at the thought of never being able to share the same bond with the boys as he had in the past. He turned the picture face down.

“You’ll get to see them soon though,” Sheridan brightened. “When you go home.”

“I dunno,” he mumbled. “Lisa…that’s my stepmother, I think she feels uncomfortable sending them out here to see me. I can’t really blame her. I mean, I haven’t seen them since I was in the hospital and even then, it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.” He sucked in a breath, the memory of that day suddenly rushing back to him. He could still see the perplexed expressions on his brothers faces. The sorrowful look in his father’s eyes. He could still feel that pain in his gut. The pain that wouldn’t go away…

“Justin.”

He looked up at her. It was only then that he realized he’d started to cry. He quickly brushed the tears away. This was a bad time for him to lose it. Sheridan needed him to be strong for her today. “I’m fine.”

She shook her head and crouched down to his level. “No you’re not,” she whispered in his ear. She moved her hand under his chin and turned his head toward her. “Don’t try to pretend you are for my sake.”

He almost leaned in to kiss her, but then he saw the doorknob turn, and the door swing open. His mother stood there, a pleasant, but obviously forced smile resting on her face.

He glanced at Sheridan, who looked like she was about to be sick. She backed away from him, and turned back to the suitcases she’d be fumbling with. “Yeah,” he managed to say. “I found it.” He held up the letter and the photograph for her to see.

“Good,” she said, crossing the room to where he sat. “So we can go?”

He hesitated for a moment, and looked at Sheridan again. He hoped she would say something, anything. He didn’t know what…but he thought if she at least said something, it might break the tension he felt inside of him. But of course, she said nothing. In fact, she didn’t even acknowledge him. Her sudden mood swing left him confused. A minute ago she seemed to care…now though, she was acting like they weren’t together, like he wasn’t even there. It was making his head swim with a thousand questions that he didn’t have answers to.

“Justin?” he heard his mother say.

He looked back at her. “Yeah…we can go if you’re ready,” he said glumly.

His mother went around behind him, chattering to him about the plans she’d made for the day. He barely heard her. He’d gone back to staring at Sheridan again, hoping to get a reaction out of her. She didn’t break her mood though. She went about her duties…packing his clothes, and making his bed.

She didn’t care. Or maybe…she was too frightened to show that she cared.

But he wasn‘t. “Sheridan,” he blurted out.

She paused. He knew she was terrified about talking to him in front of his mother, but he didn’t care right now. His mother’s opinion about all of this could wait until later. Sheridan needed to get used to the fact that people weren’t going to be totally accepting of their relationship. She needed to move past it, and focus on the relationship itself. He knew it was going to be hard for her…but at the same time he knew she had it in her to do it.

“Sheridan, look at me.”

Sheridan slowly turned toward him, obviously trying as hard as she could to hide her tears from his mother. “What is it,” she said softly.

“Are we okay?”

“We’re okay,” she told him after a moment, seemingly having to use every ounce of energy she had to get the words out. “I’ll see you later.”

He felt his mother push him forward a little, signifying that she wanted to go. He didn’t want to argue, or cause any more tension between Sheridan and his mother, so instead he simply nodded, and shot Sheridan a reassuring smile. “I’ll make dinner. How about it? A real southern style meal. I‘ll get the stuff from the store and everything.”

She laughed. It sent him a feeling of reassurance that things were going to work, despite everything. He concluded that Karen was wrong. Sheridan could handle this. She was strong. Strong enough to handle anything. He looked at his mother, hoping that she’d have something positive to add to the conversation. Maybe she’d bring up Nanna’s recipe for peach cobbler, and tell Sheridan that she could help her make it.

But she was silent, her expression was cold, and she looked like she didn’t want to be in the room right now.

“I’d like that,“ she smiled at him warmly, flushing out his insecurities. “And…just listen to what the doctors have to say to you today. Don’t be so…how you are, okay?”

Now he was laughing, almost forgetting that his mother was standing right behind him. “How I am?”

She shot him a playful smirk. “You know what I mean, grumpy bear. I‘ll see you later.”

“Bye baby.“ He was almost tempted to give her a kiss goodbye. Sheridan even took a step toward him, probably having this same idea in her mind. But then his mother pushed him forward and out of the room, ruining the moment. It was a harsh push. An annoyed one. He frowned.

“What’s the matter?” he asked her, once they were out in the hallway.

“We’re late,” she grumbled.

“I was talking to Sheridan,” he told her, not caring if she was annoyed by the situation anymore. This was bigger than his mother, he realized. This was about him being happy…and Sheridan being happy too. “It doesn’t concern you, mom.”

“Okay,” she snapped. “That’s fine.” She didn’t say anything after that. Not even when they were outside, and Karen was helping him into the car. She sat in the drivers seat, her gaze focused somewhere out in the distance, a stubborn look on her face. He recognized the expression well, knowing it was the same face he put on when he was upset, or confused. He didn’t like to see it on his mother though, but knew there was nothing he could do about it. Until she got used to Sheridan, and the relationship he shared with her, this was how she was going to react every time they showed their feelings for one another. He wasn’t hurt by her reaction this time, though. Not like before, when he’d yelled at her, trying to make her agree with his decisions. Now her actions seemed childish to him. Like a fit he would throw when something didn’t go his way. No, he couldn’t mad at her for this, he realized. She would come around eventually, because she loved him and wanted him to be happy. He knew that. Of course, he hadn’t forgotten the massive amount of emotional stress that burdened his mother every day, every minute…every second. It was going to take a long time for her to come around…

But then , he had all the time in the world to show her why Sheridan was so special.

But he wasn‘t going to fall all over himself to please her either. This was his time…his chance for a fresh start. And there was a brand new feeling blossoming inside of him too. It was one he’d felt only a few times before, but still, he knew it well, and he knew what it meant. It scared him, just because he’d been hurt by it time and time again. But this time…with Sheridan, it was going to be different. He could feel it inside of him. It filled him with hope…life. He wanted to grasp it, hold onto it, and never, ever lose sight of it as long as he lived. Then he thought that maybe, he’d had it in him all along…ever since Sheridan’s lips first touched his that day in the bathroom, but had been too blind, too insecure with himself, to realize that it was there up until now.

But he realized it now…

He was in love with Sheridan.

Three days later…

The first day of interviews hadn’t been easy for Justin. Going to talk to these doctors he’d never met before made him uneasy from the start. They’d all been so eager to get to know him, to hear his side of the story. They all wanted to know what kind of goals he was interested in making for himself if things simply ’weren’t going to work out’ for him. He didn’t want to tell them. He didn’t want to think about what it would be like if he was forced to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He still had a chance didn’t he? No, maybe he hadn’t gotten any sort of feeling back in his limbs yet. But Karen said some patients didn’t start coming around until much later in the process. She said to give it another month or so, and then they would know for sure.

He didn’t want that time to come.

After a full day of interviewing, Justin was finally able to sit down with his mother, and Karen to narrow down the list of doctors he’d met with. Between the three of them, they managed to get the list down to four doctors that he was willing to work with. He wasn’t thrilled with them of course, but then he wasn’t thrilled about working with anybody besides Karen. He guessed he would simply have to put up with it, and get used to working with somebody new. It was a sacrifice that he had to make.

He had bigger priorities to focus on now.

He’d put the sunglasses on after the first interview today. Something inside of him made him do it. Those inquisitive looks the female doctor threw at him had been too much. She’d been searching him…his eyes, trying to figure him out without asking too many questions. It made him uncomfortable, like he was at some sort of press conference, or television interview. He remembered how uneasy those things made him feel in the past, and how putting on his sunglasses always seemed to help calm his nerves. So, despite the fact that it made him look full of himself, he’d slipped his shades on after leaving the first doctor‘s office.

“So Justin, why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself.”

Even though this was the second time he held a meeting with her, Doctor Taylor still seemed more like a shrink than a therapist, but as Justin glanced around the room he knew that wasn’t the case There were at least two dozen banners and plaques lining the wall behind her, commemorating her continued efforts in rehabilitation. He realized he’d never taken the time to notice, or commend Karen’s, and he knew he’d sat in her office enough times to notice them. Maybe that was why she was shoving him off on somebody else. He nodded, answering his own question. Yes, he thought. That must be it.

Doctor Taylor smiled. “It’s okay to be nervous. I know how caged up you‘ve been at that ranch.”

“Oh--.” He felt his face begin to burn with embarrassment, and quickly reached up to secure his sunglasses before they gave away the desperate look his eyes held. “I’m…I’m not really all that nervous,” he told her. “I was just lookin at the stuff on your wall.”

“Stuff?” Doctor Taylor glanced behind her. “Oh those?,” she mused. “It took me years of dedication and patience to earn all of those. But, I’m sure you must have things like that in your home though, don’t you?”

He did. At home, in his own office were countless awards, plaques, certificates…his trophies and statues, commending him in all that he’d achieved over the years. Up until now, he didn’t have a reason to think about them. But seeing Doctor Taylor’s various commendations made him yearn for them. He’d nearly forgotten how praised they once made him feel…how talented and unique. Of course now though…none of it really mattered anymore. “I have some things,” he murmured. “But I guess…I haven’t really thought about them much lately.”

“Losing somebody close to you,” she said softly, nodding her head. “It can make you forget a lot of things that used to mean something to you.”

He turned his head away from her. He knew his mother spoke on the phone with this particular doctor the other day, and he was sure that was how she knew about that ‘somebody close to him’. But. she was getting ahead of herself right now, and he didn’t like it. This interview was supposed to be simple--to the point, not an ask all tell all session. “I…I’m not talking about this today,” he managed to tell her. “I don’t just…talk about it.”

She pressed her lips into a thin line, and scrunched her eyebrows together. She was thinking about something. What it was, Justin didn’t know. He knew it was making him uneasy though, and he wished she hadn’t asked his mother to leave the room so they could ‘bond before making a decision’. He gripped the arms of his chair tightly, and bit down on his bottom lip, praying that she wouldn’t try to question him any further about the subject.

“That’s understandable,” she decided, after several moments. “Although, hiding your feelings away won’t make you problems or insecurities go away, Justin.”

He shrugged. “You’re not going to be my shrink, if I take this on,” he reminded her. You’re just going to be my therapist.”

“Oh but you’re wrong,” she pointed out. “Mine is a unique practice Justin. Not only do I help you to regain control of yourself physically…but mentally as well. That’s the way this sort of thing should be done.”

He didn’t like her. She reminded him of a late night infomercial host, or a commercial for a women’s health hotline. She seemed fake, almost. She was definitely nothing like Karen, and he couldn’t’ see himself having any sort of heart to heart conversation with her. He wasn’t even sure if he’d be able to concentrate on his workout, with her standing there, her inquisitive eyes constantly staring back at him. He would have to wear these damn glasses every time he came here, and that wasn’t something he wanted to do. He needed to work with somebody he could trust…confide in. He wanted Karen. But that was impossible. “I think I’m gonna have to call you with my decision, Doctor Taylor.”

“Please,” she smiled. “Maureen.”

He cleared his throat, and adjusted his glasses again. “Maureen.”

“Maureen? What kinda name is Maureen?”

The voice sent a chill through him, and he shuddered. At first, he was sure the voice was in his head. But he couldn’t help but give a quick glance to his left, thinking the voice might have come from that direction. His eyes widened. Sure enough, in the corner of the room stood Trace. He was standing against the wall, one foot propped up against it, smoking a cigarette. Gone, he thought. You’re supposed to be gone.

“I know I know,” Trace laughed, pushing himself away from the wall. “I know I’m not supposed to be here or whatever. But…I figured the occasion called for it. I mean, a guys birthday is a guys birthday right?” He took a drag of his cigarette. “Too bad about the cake and junk though. That’s the best part.”

Trace’s birthday was tomorrow. He’d woken up with the realization in the back of his mind, and had been trying as hard as he could not to think about it too much. With everything else swarming around him…Sheridan, his mother, his brothers, Johnny…Elisha and the baby, he simply didn’t want to be burdened with the thought of it.

But Trace wasn’t going to let him forget it.

“I didn’t forget,” he reassured his friend. He forgot where he was. That Doctor Taylor was sitting before him, studying his every move. All he saw was Trace…that stupid cheesy smile, and that damn cigarette. “I just--didn’t want to remember is all.”

“Understandable,” Trace shrugged. “So, who is this lady? Some stupid ass shrink?”

He looked back at Doctor Taylor. She had an amused smile on her face, as if she knew exactly what was going on with him. Did she? Could she see Trace standing there like he did? He glanced at Trace, hoping he would have an answer for him this time. He just shrugged though. It figured.

“You didn‘t want to remember my name?,” Maureen questioned.

“Uh…well…” He tried to think fast. It wasn’t working. Why did Trace have to appear now? Why couldn’t he come around when he needed him? This always happened to him. And at the worst times too. “I’m bad with names,” he blurted out. “So…I try not to get myself to remember them.”

“You suck at lying,” Trace snickered. He threw his cigarette to the ground, and stepped on it. As always, it evaporated into the carpet. Justin shuddered.

Maureen laughed. “You don’t need to explain,” she reassured him. “This is a confusing time for you.”

“This is a confusing time for you,” Trace mocked. “What the fuck does this lady know anyway? I liked the other one better. What’s her name…Karen?”

“She doesn’t want me around anymore,” Justin replied sadly.

“Who, Karen?” Maureen asked. “No…that’s not the case. She simply doesn’t have the time to travel all that way to accommodate you. You shouldn’t feel badly about that though. It might even be a positive thing.”

Trace rolled his eyes. “This is a joke. You need to call up Jason. He knows a guy.”

Justin ignored his friends’ comment. There was something else…something more important that he’d been dying to ask him since the day he’d found out about it. But right now he was in the presence of this doctor who didn’t know him. Holding a strange conversation with Trace in front of her, he was sure, would only end in disaster. “I think…I just need some time to decide what I’m doing,” he told Maureen. “But I’ll definitely let you know, okay?”

Maureen frowned a little, obviously not satisfied by his decision. Still, she didn’t protest. She rose from her chair, and forced a smile his way. “Sounds good. Let me just go get your mother, and you can be on your way.” She trotted across the room, and opened the door, stealing one final look at him before she exited the room.

He didn’t hesitate. “I’m scared, Trace.”

“About what,” Trace didn’t meet his gaze as he walked across the room to study the painting on the wall. He studied it for several moments, before speaking again. “You have people that care about you. You got Sheridan. You’re fine, J. You don’t’ need to be afraid.”

“That‘s not what I mean.” He felt the tears begin to well up under his eyes lids. “The baby…what about the baby?”

“What about it?” Trace muttered.

“I--I don‘t know what I‘m supposed to do. This is your kid, and now, because of this--what I did, you can‘t be around to raise it.”

Trace whirled around suddenly. “That’s your own fault,” he snapped. “Isn’t it?”

He looked down at his lap, feeling the tears begin to seep out of his eyes. “I’m sorry, Trace.” He let out a tiny sob, and covered his mouth, desperately trying to hold back the hysterical outburst of tears and cries he knew his emotions were trying to unleash. He felt his body shudder at his resistance, and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing the feeling away.

“Calm down,“ he heard Trace sigh. “Man…look…I didn’t mean that. It’s not your fault, so just relax okay? Everything is gonna be alright. I trust you, and I know you’re gonna be there for my kid. You don’t’ need to be scared, or whatever. You’re gonna do great. The accident happened, and--it’s over now. You can’t do anything about it. All you can do is let it go, Justin. Just take care of things for Elisha. Make sure she’s okay. Make sure my kid is healthy.”

He opened his eyes. There was a hint of worry in Trace’s voice, and it made Justin believe now more than ever, that Trace was really there, and that he wasn’t just some memory coming back to haunt him. “You know I will,” he whispered. “Happy Birthday,” he found himself saying, a moment later. “I wish…I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“Thanks,” he nodded. He stepped back over to him, and crouched down to meet his level. “I gotta go though,” he frowned.

“No,” he blurted out. He reached out to him and grasped him by the arm, nearly letting out a shriek when he realized he was actually touching him. He looked at him, his eyes wide, searching for an answer. But Trace just smiled, acting as if this was normal. “Just…stay okay?,” he pleaded, tightening his grip on Trace’s arm. “I don’t’ want you to leave. Cant’ you just stay, and haunt me, or do whatever it is that you’re doing now? I miss you so much, man.” Not being able to resist any longer, he let out the sobs he’d been holding back. “You don’t even know how much I need you right now.”

“I can’t,” Trace refused. “You need to do this on your own, without me. I just came to say hey…I didn’t come to stay.

“It’s not fair!” Justin yelled. “Don’t you understand? I can’t make it without you…even if I acted like I could before. I was wrong okay?”

“Life isn’t fair,” he reminded him. “But shit happens. Hang in there J. I know you can do this. You‘re an independent kinda guy--I should know.” He smiled and winked at him.

“Trace,” he whispered, knowing he was about to vanish. “Wait.”

In the blink of an eye, Trace was gone. Now his mother was standing before him, a look of both shock and fear resting on her face. He realized he was still holding onto something…an arm. Then he looked down and realized it was his mothers arm. He gasped, and let go of it. What happened? Had he been talking to his mother the entire time he thought Trace was there? It couldn’t be true. Trace had been there. He’d seen him, talked to him. It was exactly like it had been before. But how could his mother have come into view so quickly? He was confused, distraught. He whimpered a little, not being able to control himself.

“Are you alright?” his mother asked him.

He didn’t know what to tell her. He simply nodded, hoping that it would be enough.

“You said Trace,” she pointed out, caressing his face with her hand lovingly. “Right?”

He looked away from her. “I--I never said that.”

She nodded slowly. Her eyes were telling him that she didn’t believe him…that she couldn’t. She thought something was wrong with him, with his head. “You’ll be okay,” she said, giving him a light kiss on the forehead. “You’re going to get help.”

He shook his head. “I don’t need help,” he told her, gruffly. “I have enough help.”

“Justin,” she whispered. “I’ve been standing here fore ten minutes. You were--you were talking to me, like I was Trace. When I tried to get you to stop, you didn‘t even hear me. Something is wrong, Justin. Something that Karen didn‘t have the time or the patience to catch on to. I knew I should have listened to that psychiatrist back in New York.”

He shook his head again, more vigorously this time. He wouldn’t believe it. Trace had been there. He saw him. “No,” he snapped. “I--I don’t believe you!”

“Justin, please,” she reasoned. She squatted down at his feet, and looked into his eyes. “Please try to understand where I’m coming from with this.”

He stared back at her. Her eyes held no sign of dishonesty, and deep down he knew she wasn’t lying to him. He didn’t want to admit that to her though. Admitting that to his mother, would be admitting that he really did have a problem. That he really did hear voices in his head, and hallucinate from time to time. He was scared of what she might do. Of what kinds of people she would make him go see, and what kinds of medicines she’d make him take. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to think of an answer to all of this. He hoped some terrific lie would pop into his mind, and that his mother would believe it, and simply leave him alone about what just happened. But nothing came to mind. What could he say? The truth was, there was nothing he could say. All he could do was accept the situation, and handle it the best he could.

Like everything else.

“Does this happen a lot?” she asked him softly.

He looked down at his lap, and shrugged. “It used to happen…a lot more.”

“And now?”

He met her gaze. “Now…today…I just don’t know.”

“You’re scaring me,” she confessed. “At the hospital they called this---post traumatic something or other. Justin, if there’s something wrong, you should tell me. It can’t be fixed if you don’t tell me.”

He felt like he was five and had just wet the bed. Momma can’t fix it if you don’t tell me… He made a face. “I’m fine,” he told her again. “I don’t know what happened…and I’m sorry that I scared you. Can we please just go? Please?,” he pleaded.

She sighed, and her shoulders slumped a little. “Is this about tomorrow?”

Justin gasped a little, surprised that his mother had the courage to mention what tomorrow was in his presence. He glanced down at his hands, and met her gaze again. “It might be,” he supplied.

She nodded, her look of worry changing to one of sympathy. “Tomorrow you should rest. I don’t want you doing anything that might upset you. In fact, I was hoping that you and Elisha might get together and spend the day. I think she probably needs you to be around.”

The thought hadn’t crossed his mind. He’d been so busy talking to some doctor, or going to some interview that he hadn’t’ had time to think about her much. But he was thinking about her now. About the conversation she’d supposedly had with Sheridan. About how it might not have been her who’d said those things.

He should have asked Trace about that too.

“I’ll call her,” his mother decided for him. “It will be good for both of you.”

He was hoping to spend the day with Sheridan tomorrow. He knew it would keep his mind off of Trace, and off of what was supposed to have been his twenty fourth birthday. He needed to have another talk with her too. He wanted to tell her about his revelation the other day. About how he was in love with her, and how foolish he felt for not being able to realize it sooner. He wanted to sit on the floor, and hold her, and kiss her, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear like they’d done the day they‘d been intimate together. That was what he wanted to do…that was all he wanted to do. But he couldn’t tell his mother that.

Right?

Before he could think about it anymore, he was wheeled out of the room and down the hall. Then they were on the elevator. Several floors down the elevator stopped, and a few people got on. And those few people, Justin found, had a staring problem. He scowled and looked at the floor, never more thankful when they reached the lobby and were let out into the world again. He wondered, would life always be this way? Being pushed around by his mother…being looked at like some sort of outcast? He couldn’t take it. He’d never lived his life by anybody’s rules but his own, and he hated that his mother couldn’t take a second to remember this.

His troubles plagued him until they were at least halfway back to Karen’s. His mother continuously rambling on about different things, that Justin couldn’t have cared less about. When she paused for a few minutes, seemingly out of things to say, that was when Justin decided it was safe to take over. “I can’t go to Elisha’s tomorrow,” he informed her.

She shot him a confused look. “Why? Did you already have something planned?”

He nodded. “Sorta.”

“What is it?”

He couldn’t lie to her. He really wanted to…but he knew in the end she would find out the truth anyway. She always did. “I’m spending the day with Sheridan tomorrow.”

“With Sheridan,” she stated, with a displeased tone.

“Yeah.” He didn’t care if she was angry. He needed to have control over his life, and make his own decisions. Even if his mother didn’t like it. He wasn’t going to be intimidated by her, and he wasn’t going to believe that she knew everything that was best for him.

“I would think Elisha would be a little more important to you,” she pointed out. “It being Trace‘s birthday and all.”

He cringed. “You told me you were going to try harder to accept Sheridan,” he said softly.

“This isn’t about Sheridan,” his mother said. “This is about being around to comfort your friend.”

“It’s not like I’m not going to see her,” he told her. “Just tomorrow--Sheridan and I need to be together tomorrow.”

“I guess there’s something wrong with me,” she shrugged. “Because I don’t understand what’s so important about this girl that you have to let Elisha sit home by herself all day tomorrow.”

“You could go there,” he pointed out.

“It’s not my responsibility to go there,” she snapped. “Trace was your friend. You owe it to him to do this.”

If she wanted to make him feel guilty, she was doing a really good job. He knew it would be a good idea to visit Elisha tomorrow, despite what Sheridan claimed happened between them the other day. She probably did need him around, even though he knew Elisha wouldn’t admit it. But Sheridan…she needed him too. He was torn. What was the right decision? If he went to Elisha’s, Sheridan would feel like he didn’t care. But if he stayed with Sheridan, his mother and Elisha would think he didn’t give a damn about Trace’s birthday. Of all the times he wished Trace would pop out of nowhere for some words of wisdom…this was it.

“You should just go.”

He jumped a little, and glanced over his shoulder quickly. Trace. He was there.

“Don’t say anything,” Trace warned, poking his head between the front seats. “Your momma already thinks you’re crazy enough. Look, just go to Elisha’s. I know you don’t want to…I know you want to spend time with Sheridan. But Justin, Elisha’s hurting real bad, okay? And I don‘t know what she‘ll do if she has to be by herself tomorrow. Please go. For me.”

How could he tell him no? He couldn’t. He nodded his head in response.

“I owe you,” Trace whispered. Then he vanished again.

He sucked in a deep breath, and looked back at his mother. “I’ll go mom.”

She looked over at him. She seemed surprised, but he couldn’t blame her. He knew she’d been expecting him to protest, like always. “You will?”

He nodded. “It’s the right thing to do.”

She smiled at him. “That’s my boy.” She patted his knee, and focused her gaze on the road again.

Justin couldn’t have felt more like a child in her eyes. He didn’t mind her cooking for him. She’d done that anyway. It was everything else. Constantly kissing him on the cheek or the forehead for every little thing he did or said. Speaking to him in that soft, calming tone that had lulled him to sleep when he was little. And making his day to day arrangements for him. He couldn’t live like this. But he knew his mother wasn’t going to stop when he moved back. If anything, she would get even worse. Helpless. That was what she thought he was from the beginning…and now that she’d caught him in one of his ‘Trace moments’, she would always think that way. It was another never ending struggle he had to deal with. But he couldn’t yell at her, and tell her to stop. Stop what? Stop caring? He almost laughed, but then reality caught up with him again, and instead, he almost started to sob. He chocked it back, coughing loudly as he did so.

“Justin, are you okay honey?”

He met her gaze, and nodded obediently. “Fine momma.”

*****************

“Wooo!”

Sheridan laughed and let out a playful sigh. “Well Rose…you beat me again.”

“In my day,” the old woman smiled. “I was up to my elbows in Cracker Jack toys because of this game!”

Everyday around this time Sheridan found herself playing round after round of Checkers with Rose Swanson. She’d broken her hip a few weeks ago while she was out in her garden. Sheridan was glad to have the company. Most of the patients that came through her wing were either miserable…or in and out to soon to for her to form any kind of bond with them. In a way, Sheridan almost wished that Rose’s recovery wasn’t going as well as it was. It was nice to have somebody else to talk to for a change. The other interns didn’t seem to want anything to do with her…because she was ‘Karen Williams daughter’. A ‘free ride’. She wished they knew the half of it. She wished they knew that working here was in no way a free ride. She was working here to save her relationship with the man she was supposedly falling in love with. At times she wondered if Justin even knew how much she was sacrificing by coming here everyday. She could have been using the time to study…to prepare for the coming school year. Hell…to salvage what was left of her summer.

But she cared about him to much to let those things come first.

“So dear…how are things at your home?” Rose pushed herself up a little bit, and winced a little before settling back into her pillows. “How is your mother?”

Sheridan passed Rose her cup of water, knowing that she would be asking for it next. “She’s okay,” Sheridan told her. “Things are kind of hectic right now because her…um…patient…he’s going home in a few days. So everything has to be ready.”

“Ahh,” she nodded. “Well, I’m sure it’s nothing she hasn’t handled before.”

Rose was right in a sense. In her lifetime, Sheridan had seen so many patients come and go from the house she’d lost count. But this was Justin…who wasn’t even halfway to recovery yet…and he was leaving. The thought made her want to break down. But she knew she couldn’t do that here. Not in front of Rose. It wasn’t her problem, after all. “Yes…she’s been through it before,” Sheridan nodded.

“Is there something on your mind, child?” Rose asked, giving her hand a squeeze. “You can tell me. I have seven children and eleven grandchildren. It’s like being a mother and a shrink all in one.”

Sheridan laughed, but knew she couldn’t pour her soul out to Rose…despite the caring and sincere woman Sheridan knew she was. It wouldn’t be right, and the hospital didn’t like the interns getting too personal with the patients as it was. “I’m fine Rose…really. But thank you.”

The old woman gave her a light kiss on the cheek. “Well okay…but you be sure to come and sit anytime you need to talk. Now run along…or I’ll miss my soap. Anthony and Sharda are getting married today you know.”

“Oh okay,” Sheridan smiled, rising out of the chair she’d been sitting in. “Well you enjoy…and fill me in tomorrow.”

“Oh I will. Goodbye dear.” Rose smiled again before lifting the remote and turning on the television.

With one final wave, Sheridan picked up Rose’s empty lunch tray and exited the room. She was nearly halfway to her next patient, a grumpy old man with a back problem, when she heard the page.

She sighed. Getting called to the nurses station was never a positive thing, especially when Caroline was the head nurse on duty. Getting a phone call was almost out of the question on her shift, unless it was a dire emergency. Sheridan prayed Justin was able to get his act together for Elisha without her…that he was already at her house. If it was him, she knew she was going to catch hell from Caroline, and that was something she knew would get back to her mother.

“Sheridan,” Caroline grunted as soon as Sheridan approached the desk. “Is your shift through?”

Sheridan bit down on her bottom lip. “No ma’am.”

“Then why are you getting phone calls?”

She winced. Damn it Justin. “I don’t know ma’am.”

Caroline snatched the phone off the hook. “Get something straight, Sheridan. You aren’t privileged because of who your mother is. You’re here to work, like everybody else. If you have a problem with it…you can leave, got it?”

Sheridan nodded, and quickly moved past Caroline to take the phone. It was taking every ounce of strength inside of her not to break down in front of her. She was surprised she was pulling it off. “Hello?” she whispered.

“Hey hot stuff,” the voice laughed. “Hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time. I’m just…back in town and I wanted to say hey.”

It was Juan. Sheridan had been so preoccupied worrying about Justin, and preparing herself for the move that she’d hadn’t had time to think about him since their previous encounter. “Juan?”

“Yeah,” he laughed again. “I’m here.”

“Um.” She eyed Caroline, who naturally, was watching her intently. “Where are you?”

“I’m home…but I just wanted to know if we could hang out or something. I mean, I know you have your thing with Justin…but it’s my birthday and I can’t think of anybody else I’d rather spend it with.”

The subject of birthdays sent chills through her. Today was Trace’s birthday, and it was the reason why Justin was at Elisha’s house. She wasn’t jealous…that wasn’t the case at all. She was only worried that the visit was going to trigger memories that Justin wasn’t ready to deal with yet. But she didn’t try to talk him out of going. When he informed her of what was going on, he seemed to have made his mind up already. She was glad he’d confided in her of course, but at the same time she was sure if she’d protested it wouldn’t’ have mattered anyway. “Your birthday?”

“Twenty four baby!” Juan exclaimed. “Whaddya say…how about a night on the town? We could go to Silver.”

“Oh…uh…” Sheridan rubbed the back of her neck, and tried to think fast. If she went out with Juan without Justin’s knowledge would it be wrong? No…it couldn’t be, because Juan was her friend. She didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him anymore…she couldn’t. If she stayed in tonight, she would only end up calling Marcy and being miserable for the entire evening, because she was sure Justin wouldn’t return home until very late…if he even came home tonight at all. Besides…when would she ever get the chance to go to Silver again? “Sure…I’ll go,” she told him with a smile. “When?”

“How about seven? We can meet at Sullivan’s and grab a burger or whatever…sound good?”

She heard Caroline groan somewhere from behind her and knew she had to get off the phone, but she didn’t let it stop her from smiling. “Sounds great. Happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” he responded. “I’ll see ya later.”

“Bye.” She hung up quickly and hurried past Caroline before she could lecture her about the phone again. She found that she couldn’t stop smiling, and she wished Juan knew how much stress he was taking off of her shoulders by doing this. Maybe she would even talk to him about it. Surely he would have some good advice to give her about Justin moving out…and the whole situation with Elisha.

Even if she had to keep it all from Justin.

**************

Spending time with Elisha today was even more awkward than it had been last time. Sitting in the very apartment that had once been filled with so much laughter and happiness made Justin’s head spin…because now the place was so bare…hollow, empty. Elisha had seemingly stripped the place of any reminder of Trace, right down to the DVD’s he’d kept in her apartment. It pained him to see the place this way, but then again, he knew his house was the same way. She hadn’t shown him the bedroom however, and Justin figured it was probably the one place in the apartment that held the painful memory of Trace.

“I hope you like DiGiorno,” Elisha smiled weakly and placed the pizza in the center of the table. “I was in such a rush this afternoon I picked up the first thing I figured we would both like.”

He’d been gazing at the picture on the tabletop for sometime now. It was the only thing that Elisha had seemed to miss, or could bare leaving out in the open. He remembered the day well. It was last summer, down in Malibu. They’d went golfing. Well really it was more like he and Trace went golfing and the girls stood by and made a piss poor attempt at it. It was fun though. He’d been talking to Alyssa then, and was finally able to enjoy himself without the burden of the breakup in the back of his mind. “Pizza’s good,” he said finally, before she started to worry. “But really…you could have just ordered out ‘lish.”

Elisha shrugged and slid into the seat across from him. “Karen told me junk food will bring your energy level down, and I should try not to bring it around you if I can help it.”

He laughed a little. It was so like Karen to keep tabs on him even though it wasn’t her responsibility anymore. It showed that Karen really did care more about him than she let on, she was so stubborn though…Justin knew she would never fully admit to it. “That’s Karen for you,” he smiled.

Elisha cut a piece of pizza out of the pie and put it on Justin’s plate before doing the same for herself. “Has it been hard for you…living up there?,” she asked him.

The uneasiness in her voice was starting to make him nervous. He knew Elisha was still a little uncomfortable around him, and he couldn’t blame her because he felt the same way toward her. But this was different. It seemed like she was almost afraid of him. Was she hiding something? Was it possible that she felt guilty about what she said to Sheridan? “It was hard at first,” he answered finally. “I mean, there were days I wanted to die. But…I think we’ve all had days like that since…everything.”

She didn’t look at him. “Yeah.”

“But Sheridan I mean…she really helped me out,” he said. “She made me see that…you know, I still have a life to live.” He looked at her long and hard, but the mention of Sheridan didn’t seem to phase her. Unless she was putting on a front, which he knew was possible. Elisha was a great actress, and he knew she could use her skill to her advantage if she had to.

“She sounds really great Justin,” Elisha smiled. “I can’t wait to meet her.” She took a bite out of her pizza, not seeming to have anything else to say about the subject.

But he had to ask. He had to know. If Elisha really said those horrible things to Sheridan, he wanted to know why. And if she didn’t…he wanted to know what the hell was going on. “Elisha,” he whispered. “If I ask you something, will you give me an honest answer?”

Her eyes widened a little and she dropped her slice on her plate. “What’s the matter?,” she asked him immediately.

“I just…I need to know.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shifted a little in his chair. “Did you and Sheridan ever talk online?”

She shot him a confused glance. “What? No…Justin, I’ve never spoken to the girl in my life.”

He sighed. “Are you sure?”

She seeemed hurt by his question. “Why would I lie to you…about that?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. It’s just…somebody IM ed her the other day, claiming to be you. And they said some pretty nasty things.”

She frowned and folded her arms across her chest. “Well it wasn’t me,” she grumbled. “Why would you even think something like that, Justin?”

“I…I dunno,” he said softly. “I’m just tryin to figure this all out.”

“Did you ever think that she’s the one whose lying?” Elisha grumbled. “Maybe…she doesn’t want you to leave so she made up some stupid story to turn you against me.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Sheridan isn’t like that. She…wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? Well…I wouldn’t start a fight with your girlfriend.” Elisha rose from the table and tossed the remainder of her lunch into the trash. “My god Justin…what the hell?”

Now he felt foolish. Deep down, he knew Elisha never said any of those things to Sheridan…but he refused to believe that Sheridan would make up a story to keep him closer to her. That’s not how she was. But if Elisha didn’t say those things to Sheridan…then who did? Trace?

He didn’t have an answer.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself saying after a moment. “I…I didn’t mean to accuse you. I just needed to know for sure.”

Elisha shrugged. “It’s not an issue anymore…so just drop it. I have too much going on to worry about what your girlfriend thinks of me. I mean Christ…I know you know what today is. You wouldn‘t be here otherwise.” She made her way back over to the table and sat down again.

“Of course I know what today is,” Justin nodded.

“Are you sure you do?” Elisha snapped. “Because…you haven’t fucking mentioned it once since you’ve been here!” Elisha’s face was bright red, and the tears she never allowed people to see were now flowing freely down her face. “You’re too concerned about your damn girlfriend. Trace died Justin.” She paused for a moment and wiped the tears from her eyes. “He died because of your stupid decision. The least you could do is pretend to give a damn.” She rose from the table and wandered around the kitchen, seemingly not knowing what to do with herself.

He died because of your stupid decision… The words echoed in his mind, and they wouldn’t stop. They cursed him, blamed him…it really was his fault. He buried his head in his hands, and felt himself physically shudder. Then he closed his eyes, and Trace was there, standing in the darkness. “I’m sorry Trace,” he blurted out.

“You shouldn’t be sorry,” he said. “Elisha’s gonna be bitter for awhile. You should know that. You know her as well as I do.”

“I’m hurting her more,” he sobbed. “She’s all alone, and all I can do is talk about Sheridan and tell her how happy she’s made me.”

“Sheridan has made you happy,” Trace nodded. “But things are changing Justin…I told you things were gonna get tough with Sheridan around. Elisha doesn’t care if you have a girlfriend, and nobody else cares either. They need you Justin….they need the old you. Not this new one.”

He felt somebody shaking him, and a moment later he snapped out of his daze. He looked up to find Elisha standing before him. He grasped her hand, and found she was trembling. “Elisha…”

“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. “Justin I never meant to say that okay?”

“Come ‘ere,” he whispered, pulling her closer to him. “Don’t you ever be sorry okay? We…we have to deal with this together, and I know that one of us is gonna lose it sometimes.”

She nodded. “Trace wasn’t your fault,” she croaked. “It just hurts really bad right now.”

“If he were here,” Justin said, managing to get out a half smile. “He’d tell us to cut the bullshit and break out the weed.”

Elisha laughed, and it caused him to jump a little. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard the sound of her laughter, and it even got him to break a wider smile.

“I got some,” she said after a moment. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a rolled up Ziploc bag. “For the occasion. Whaddya say Justin? Wanna kick it?” She sat down on the floor and unrolled the bag.

“Lish,” he said softly. “You can’t…the baby.”

She rolled her eyes. “Screw the baby. I need something.”

“Elisha,” he said more sternly this time. “Stop.”

She looked up at him. For the first time Justin could see it. She was exhausted…drained, malnourished. He wasn’t sure of course…but it was quite possible that she hadn’t been taking care of herself. He was sure she wasn’t sleeping, but that was a given…because he didn’t sleep well either. She was working too…something Justin knew wasn’t helping her at all. Actors worked long hours…sometimes working scenes until four or five in the morning. In order to keep healthy, she should have stopped shooting as soon as she’d told him she was pregnant. But she hadn’t. She was still working…still killing herself. And now she wanted to light up? Justin wondered what else she was doing that he didn’t know about. It was making him sick to think that Elisha might not care about the welfare of her child.

“A little pot never hurt anybody,” Elisha giggled. “You and Trace used to say that all the time.” She pulled out a box of rolling papers from her other pocket and began to prepare the drug.

“And you used to tell us that we were idiots,” he snapped in response. It caused her to glance at him for a moment, but she went right back to what she was doing. “Elisha…I’m not stupid okay? I know…I know this baby is making you confused. But you’re not alone…”

She threw down the rolling papers. “Don’t tell me what this baby is making me!” she screamed. “I know what it’s making me! It’s making me sick in the morning…and tired at work. It’s making me hate myself because when it‘s born it will never know what kind of man Trace was. I hate it! I fucking hate it! And…sometimes…I wish something would happen to make it go away.”

Justin thought back to when he’d been normal…a time that he was able to stand on his own two feet. If Trace had died then…if Elisha had been left pregnant and alone, Justin felt he would have known exactly what to do. He would have walked over to her, and hugged her. He would have been the man that he knew she needed. But he couldn’t do anything like that right now. He was stuck in his wheelchair, and Elisha was sitting on the floor, about to get stoned with a growing fetus inside of her. She couldn’t really look to him for help, he realized…because he was even more messed up than she was. He began to wonder why she’d asked him to move back and help her in the first place. Wouldn’t he just hurt her more by being around? By reminding her of Trace? “You shouldn’t…you shouldn’t say that,” he spoke up.

“Why not?” she grumbled. “It’s the truth.”

“This baby is a blessing, Elisha,” he told her. “It’s a part of Trace…it’s like…keeping him with us.”

“Trace is dead,” she responded immediately. “This baby is nothing more than a constant reminder of what happened to him. I want to move on Justin…I want to live my fucking life. But now I can’t…”

“Why can’t you?” he interrupted. “Are you like me? Are you stuck in a fucking chair? Huh?”

“I…,” she hesitated, and looked down at the floor for a moment. “No, but…”

“I’m the one who can’t live my life the way I want to, okay?” Justin closed his eyes for a moment, trying to hide his tears from her. He wished he had his sunglasses right now, so he could hide his emotions more easily. “You’re being so damn selfish. You should be thankful that…you’re free to walk around and do things like a normal person. You have no idea what it’s been like for me…going from who I was before, to this. I mean sure, the baby is an emotional thing…but at least it’s a positive thing.” Justin sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. He didn’t know what Elisha was thinking now…he wondered if she’d been considering the fact that he couldn’t walk all along, but was trying to keep that locked inside of her too.

“You’re still Justin.” Elisha’s raspy voice broke the silence several minutes later. “You’re still…that guy I knew before all of this took over our lives. You’re just…more reserved is all. And I know how lucky I am…I don’t know how I would be able to handle being in a wheelchair like that. I doubt I could do it…like you’ve done it. And I’m proud of you Justin…I’m proud of you for handling it like you’ve been. You’ll get better too…I know you will.”

“My doctor doesn’t even know if I’ll get better,” he informed her. “So don’t go saying shit you know nothing about, Elisha.”

“I’m sorry--”

“You’re not sorry,” he grumbled. “You just weren’t thinking.”

“Okay.” She slowly rose from the floor and tucked the drugs back into her pocket. “I guess today was a mistake.”

“Stop making her feel like shit.” Trace’s voice boomed from across the room.

Justin jumped a little and looked in the direction the voice came from. “What?”

“I said stop making her feel like shit.” Trace stormed across the room and loomed over him. “She’s confused, Justin. Confused and alone.”

“That’s not my problem,” he sneered.

“I know it’s not your problem,” Elisha spoke up. “It’s mine.”

“It is your problem,” Trace nodded. “You know why…we’ve already discussed this. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like you’re treating her, man. Just because she’s not physically injured doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to feel badly or whatever. Pull your head out of your ass.”

Justin glared at his friend. But he vanished…just as quickly as he’d appeared.

“Look…I’ll just call your mom okay? Maybe we can do this another day. When we’re not so…fucked up.” She turned and started away from him.

“No, no,” he whispered. “Lish…I’m sorry okay?”

She turned back to him. “I just…I don’t know exactly how to act around you.”

He laughed sadly. “And I don’t know how to act around you.”

“The moodiness I’m used to,” she chuckled. “It’s everything else that gets to me.”

“I’ll try harder,” he promised her. “Just…no more drugs okay?”

She nodded. “I’m sorry for acting like I…don’t care about this baby. I do care…it‘s just sometimes…I think about Trace and how much he would have loved to raise this child. It almost makes me wish it would die….so it could be with him.”

“Don’t think that way,” he said softly. “I know this baby is gonna be a good thing for everybody. Maybe it will even…help you and I move past Trace…you know, since we’ll both have to focus most of our attention on midnight feedings and diaper changes,” he smiled a little.

“Ugh,” she laughed. “Gross.”

“Wanna see what’s on HBO?” he offered, wanting to keep the mood relaxed.

Elisha smiled. “Definently.”

“You look nice.”

Sheridan’s eyes widened a little, and she lifted her gaze from her cocktail to look at Juan. They’d met up a little over two hours ago, but she found that she couldn’t keep a steady conversation with him. Every time she started one, the little voice in the back of her mind reminded her that she had a boyfriend and that even though she couldn’t admit it to herself…she still had feelings for Juan and she shouldn’t have been out with him. She knew it was wrong for her to continue to sit across from him and pretend to enjoy herself. Really, she should have left awhile ago…but Juan was a friend. A good friend. She wasn’t about to leave him by himself on his birthday…even if it was the right thing to do. “Thanks,” she squeaked out before taking a sip of her drink.

“Sheri-dan,” Juan sang. “Stop hiding from me.”

She sighed, and put her menu down. “I’m not hiding.”

“Really?” he asked with a smile. “The last time we came here I couldn’t get you to shut up. Now…it’s like you’re afraid of me or something.” He took a sip of his beer. “What the matter with you?”

Sheridan shrugged. She didn’t know what to tell him. She didn’t want to tell him she was uncomfortable hanging out with him now that she had a boyfriend. It was the poor guys birthday, and it was apparent that he was all alone. She didn’t want to ruin the night for him. “I guess…I’m just a little tired,” she lied. “The hospital was short staffed today, and I had twice the work load.”

“Oh girl,” Juan whined. “You can’t be tired at this club. I mean damn, look around. This place is crazy!”

She chuckled a little. “I’m sorry…I know it’s your birthday. I hope I’m not ruining the night for you.”

He hunched forward, and shot her a sympathetic smile. “Something is going on with you,” he nodded. “And just because it’s my birthday doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me about it.”

She met his gaze. She couldn’t’ believe that Juan seemed to care so much. Anybody else would have told her to snap out of her sour mood and enjoy the party, but not him. He wanted her to be as happy as he was, and he seemed more than willing to talk about her problems. Maybe, she thought, Maybe he can understand. “Juan,” she sighed. “Things have been really complicated lately.” She leaned her head against her hand. “And I just don’t know how I’m going to handle it all.”

Juan gave her an understanding nod. “This about you and Justin?”

She was glad he’d been able to figure it out, before she had to tell him. “Yeah. That’s exactly what it is.”

“Well talk girl. I’m listenening,” he smiled.

“God, where do I start? First, Elisha calls him up…” she began, but paused for a moment. “You know who Elisha is right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Trace used to bring her around sometimes. She’s a real sweetheart.”

Sheridan cringed inside. After her online conversation with Elisha, the last thing she could think about the girl was that she was a sweetheart. But she wasn’t’ going to tell Juan about that whole thing. It would only make her look bad, talking bad about somebody else. “Yeah well,” she sighed. “She’s pregnant.”

Juan lifted an eyebrow. “Well shit, really?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “It’s Trace’s baby too. And now…Justin is moving back home to help her out.”

“Damn,” Juan shook his head, and took a sip of his drink. “That’s deep Sheridan. I mean, really deep. You must be really proud of Justin for sacrificing so much to help her out right now. I mean, after everything the guy has been through, he’s still putting other people first.”

Sheridan opened her mouth to respond, but she found that she couldn’t’ find the words. She’d never looked at the situation like Juan had just put it. She only saw the negative things. That Justin was leaving, that she would be alone, and that he would be somewhat distracted from his therapy. She didn’t see the posittive things…that Justin was giving himself so selflessly for somebody else. That he wasn’t even thinking twice about it. She quickly realized, that hse was starting to see a side of Justin that she’d never seen before. The real one. The one that got down to business when it was time to. And she felt horrible for only thinking about herself, and what this was going to do to her relationship after he moved out.

“You okay Sher?”

She finally met Juan’s gaze. “Yeah,” she nodded. “I just…I never looked at it that way before. I’ve just been so worried about what this is going to do to us, that I haven’t really been able to think about anything else.”

“That’s understandable,” he said. “You obviously love him, and you’re afraid you’re going to lose him when he leaves.”

She needed to admit it to herself now. She’d been holding it back entirely too long. Actually, she’d been holding back since the day she let it slip out, for fear that Justin wouldn’t be able to take it so well the next time. The truth was what needed to be brought out. And the truth was, that she was in love with him. She felt the tears begin to well up behind her eyes, and looked away from Juan so he wouldn’t’ be able to tell that she was about to cry. “I do love him,” she whispered. “But I’m afraid.”

“Hey.” He curled his finger under her chin, and forced her to look at him. “You cant’ be afraid of the truth Sheridan…you can’t hide from it Because if you do, you might never get the chance to say what you really feel. Then, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what if. And believe me,” he paused and let out a sad laugh. “You don’t want that on your conscience.”

“I should tell him I love him,” she stated. “That’s what you’re saying?”

“I’m saying that you should do what your heart is telling you.” He gave her hand a firm squeeze and sat back in his seat. “You’re too good of a person to wind up broken hearted.”

She let out a small sigh of relief. “Why do you always know what to say, Juan?”

He smirked slightly, but Sheridan was sure it was forced. “I guess I’m just one of those guardian angel types,” he chuckled. “But I have a fee.”

“A fee?” she laughed.

“You gotta dance with me, at least once tonight.” He smiled and rose from the table. “Come on.” He held his hand out to her. “Give me my birthday present, Sheridan.”

And of course, she couldn’t say no.

************

He’d woken up a little while ago, scared at first because he didn’t remember where he was or how he‘d gotten there in the first place. After his eyes had adjusted to the darkness a little, he realized that he couldn’t have been at Karen’s. None of the machines that littered his room were there, and he wasn’t in his special bed with the rails and bars and crap. No, this was just a regular room, and he was laying on a couch. For a moment he thought he was dreaming, but then he heard her mumble something in her sleep, and when he looked down to find Elisha cuddled up against his chest he remembered everything. He was at Elisha’s apartment, because it had been Trace’s birthday. They’d watched HBO all night, and ate all sorts of food that Karen wouldn’t have approved of. He remembered closing his eyes for a moment during the Sopranos, but that was all he remembered. Now he was awake again, and realized that he’d been out for some time. He thought about getting back to Karen’s. Why hadn’t anybody called? Why hadn’t his mother come to get him? He was so confused, and a little angry. He wanted to see Sheridan for a bit before she went to bed tonight, but one glance at the clock made him realize that it wasn’t going to happen. It was nearly three in the morning, and he wanted to kick himself. The last thing he wanted to do was sleep here. It almost…scared him to be so far away from everything he’d grown so accustomed to.

“Don’t go.” Elisha murmured, and clenched a piece of his shirt tightly in her fist. “Cab…take a cab.”

He sucked in a breath. “Elisha,” he whispered, and shook her a little. “It’s okay. Wake up.”

“Please baby,” she continued. “Don’t go.”

She was dreaming about that night, he was sure, and he wanted nothing more than to snap her out of it before she started to freak out. He knew what it was like to have dreams like that. He had them much more often than he liked to admit…even to Sheridan. He hated them. How they would plague his mind for hours after he’d awoken. How he tried to forget but he just…he couldn’t. He shook her with more force. “Elisha. Come on…come on and wake up.”

Her eyes slowly opened, and Justin let out a relieved sigh. “Justin?” Elisha sat up quickly, and ran a hand through her mess of blonde hair. “Geez, what happened? Did I fall asleep?” She looked over at the television, which he’d turned off soon after he’d woken up. “Oh no,” she gasped. “How long were…”

“It’s almost three,” he interrupted her. “I guess we both dozed off for awhile there.”

“Well, shit.” She let out a tired laugh. “This is my fault. I’m really sorry, Justin. I know you probably wanted to get back to Karen’s and everything.”

He shook his head. “It’s fine,” he reassured her. “I mean, if I’m going to be living with you I guess I should start getting used to being around you a lot more right?”

She flashed him a tired smile. “Right. Um, I guess we should get to sleep the right way though. Damn, you’re gonna need a bed though right?”

He nodded. “Karen says it’s good for my legs to be straightened out when I sleep.”

“Straight…right.” She let out a nervous laugh. “I’ll remember that.” She rose from the sofa and stood in front of him. “Well, I guess you can sleep…you can sleep in the bedroom. I mean, it’s the only bed I have. And I’ll just take the couch.” She bit her bottom lip, and sucked in a breath. “It’s just a little messy in there, so don’t be alarmed okay?”

He chuckled and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Elisha, you know I’m the messiest person in the world. I don‘t care what your room looks like.”

She just shrugged, and pulled his wheelchair over to the sofa. “I know. I’m not usually messy though. It’s just that well…a lot of Trace’s things are in there. Like, the last time he was here he was packing to go to New York, and he was just…throwring things around.” She looked away from him, and smiled, seeming to remember the day well. “You know how Trace was.”

It was obvious that she hadn’t cleaned the room since Trace died. Things that he’d touched and moved around were probably just as he’d left them…and Justin felt horrible knowing that Elisha was so desperate to keep Trace’s memory alive. It was like she was afraid she would suddenly forget him, or forget something about him that she loved.

It was apparent to Justin now, that Elisha might have been far worse off than even he was. Sure, he’d lost his best friend and that was devastating in itself, without adding the fact that he himself had been driving the car that night. But Trace had been Elisha’s life…her whole life. Nobody in the world had been more dedicated and more in love with him than she had. She would have done anything and everything to make him happy. And that night…that horrible night, Trace had been drunk…so drunk. Elisha hated to see him that way, and they’d fought. They’d said terrible things to each other, and in order to get even with her, Trace had gotten into the car, even though he knew they were both drunk and in no condition to drive. But that was Trace. When he was angry, he didn’t’ care…he just did whatever he could to make the pain stop. It only took a split second for him to make that decision…to get in the car, and to ruin his life and Elisha’s life forever.

And Justin had never felt more responsible for Trace’s death than he did right now.

“You ready?” she asked him.

He nodded, but wouldn’t look at her.

“What do I do?” she whispered. “Just pull you up or?”

“Oh…” It dawned on him that this was the first time she was doing a transfer with him, and even though it was really late he figured there was no better time for her to learn the proper way to do it. “Well, I can usually to most of the work for things like this on my own. I just need you to snake your arm underneath my pits so I don’t fall.”

“Like this?” She snaked her arm underneath Justin’s arms and supported him as he pushed himself up from the sofa.

“Y…Yeah…” he grunted, trying his best not to let himself slip while she helped him down into the chair. Once in position, he smiled up at her gratefully. “Yeah, that was it. Damn, you learn quick.”

She smiled. It was a proud smile. Like she had done something meaningful, and Justin was glad she was adapting to his condition so well, even though they hadn’t been around each other all that long. “I did it okay?”

“Yeah. You were perfect.”

“I don’t want to sound like a dork or anything,“ she stated, as she started to wheel him toward her bedroom. “But like, does it hurt you when you have to stand like that?“

“Hurt? Oh…no.” It was a question he was sure he would hear more and more once he moved back home. Most of his acquaintances and seldom heard from friends had yet to see him this way, and Justin was sure they wouldn’t really understand what his condition was all about. “Does it hurt?” was definitely something he would be hearing a lot of. Well that and “Did they say when you’ll walk again?” “It doesn’t feel like anything, actually,” he explained. “Like, you know when your hand or foot falls asleep. Like…right before the pins and needles thing kicks in?”

“Yeah, like you cant feel anything,” she said.

“Right,” he nodded. “That’s exactly what it feels like. Only it’s on a much bigger level.”

“I’m just afraid I won’t be able to do everything I’m supposed to do to take care of you,“ she admitted. “I mean, I’ve never done anything like this before. What if I mess up, and make you worse or…“ She paused, and stopped his chair a few feet from the door. Then she came around the other side of him, and continued on. “Or what if I can’t handle seeing you like this all the time and I just freak out or something?”

Justin shook his head. “Elisha, you’re not gonna mess anything up okay? You’re a smart, strong girl, and I have a lot of faith in you. Hell, it’s me who should be worried. Raising kids is tougher than this whole wheelchair thing you know. I’ve never really been around a baby that much before. When my brothers were that age, I only saw them a few times a year.”

She pushed open the door. “Well then I guess we both have some things we need to learn,” she nodded. “And…I’ll help you if you help me okay? I have two little sisters, so I know what it’s like to be around babies.”

Justin wheeled himself through the doorway. His eyes widened at the sight of the place. The room…it wasn’t just a mess. Instead, it looked like a tornado had blown in and tossed everything around the room a few times. There were clothes and papers and other random objects scattered everywhere. Most of which, Justin knew belonged to Trace. He looked on the bed, and spotted a few notebooks. One was labeled PREP, another was labeled JUSTIN. It was work. Justin hated it. He hated looking at it. He hated that so much of Trace’s life was taken up by himself and his career.

“Again, I’m really sorry about the mess in here.” Elisha said, snapping him out of his thoughts. She slowly made her way over to the bed, and with a sigh, began to remove the few notebooks and articles of clothing from the top of the bed. It was seeming to take every ounce of strength she had to do it too. And Justin didn’t think it was fair that she had to put herself through this right now, at this hour of the night.

“I can just sleep on the couch,” he blurted out. “One night isn’t going to be a big deal, Elisha. Just leave the stuff where you had it.”

“No…” she shook her head roughly, and tossed the items she’d gathered up into a box that rested a few feet from the bed. “I have to do this sometime. I’ve been putting it off for entirely too long.” She moved the comforter out of the way, to reveal a pair of Trace’s jeans, and a few more of his white undershirts. “God, he’s so damn messy. Justin, the next time Trace comes by remind me to…” But she cut herself off before she could finish the sentence.

All Justin could do was stare at her. He didn’t know what to say, because really…there wasn’t anything he could say. Elisha had simply let herself slip up, and he couldn’t blame her.

“I mean…” She sat down on the bed, and held the clothes close to her chest. “Sorry,“ she whispered, and shook her head roughly. “God,” she laughed sadly. “Look at me…keeping you up when you should be sleeping.” She sniffled a little bit, and rose up from the bed, not hesitating to toss the clothes in her arms into the box. She pulled the comforter down the rest of the way, and fluffed the pillows a bit. “Okay, it’s ready now,” she nodded.

Justin was thankful that Elisha’s bed wasn’t very high off the ground. It was just a bit lower than the seat of his wheelchair, and he knew he wouldn’t’ have an issue making the transfer. He knew he’d need more help actually getting out of the bed in the morning, but that didn’t matter. This was now, and right now…he just wanted to lay down and sort out the jumbled thoughts floating around in his head. “I really appreciate this Elisha,” he nodded, hoping his comment would make her feel good about the situation. “You didn’t have to do all of this for me.”

“Yes I did,” she smiled softly. “You’re a big part of my life now, Justin. An even bigger part than you were before, and I’m happy to make you more comfortable if I can. Now here, let me help you.”

He let her snake her arm around him like before, and they made the transfer from chair to bed easily. It felt good to feel his head hit the pillow. Elisha’s bed was a lot more comfortable than the one he slept in at Karen’s. This mattress wasn’t so firm like that one was, but he knew it couldn’t be very good for his back if the mattress was too soft. But, he figured it was just one night, and one night wasn’t going to make much of a difference. Besides, he owed it to himself to be a little more comfortable. It was like a reward. A reward for coming so far and sacrificing so much. He flashed her a tired smile when she covered him with the blanket. “Thanks, ‘lish.”

“Sure. Are you okay? Are you comfortable? I have more pillows and things in the closet if you need them.”

He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’m good,” he told her. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

She nodded a little. “Okay.”

But she didn’t go anywhere. Justin was confused. “What’s wrong.”

“Oh,” she chuckled. “Nothing, I’m sorry.” She walked over to the closet and pulled out a blanket as well as a couple of pillows. “It’s just been hard, you know? It’s nice having somebody here with me for once. It makes me feel like nothing is wrong. That he’s…just away on business or something.” She glanced around the room nervously, and clutched her things tighter to her chest. “But anyway…”

“Are you going to be able to sleep?” he interrupted her. “Because I’d feel horrible if you spent the whole night wide awake, thinking about all this.”

“I’ll manage,” she told him softly, before turning to the door. “Night, Justin.” She opened the door, and put her hand on the light switch.

“Elisha,” he called to her, before she could turn out the light.

Her eyes widened a little. “Yeah?”

“You can sleep in the bed too,” he told her. A little voice in the back of his mind, was telling him that Sheridan wouldn’t approve of his suggestion, but right now he didn’t care. It wasn’t like he was attracted to Elisha or anything. He just felt so…bad, that she was so alone. And he knew that if she slept beside him, she might have an easier time getting to bed for once.

She cocked her head to the side. “With you? Justin…but you have a girlfriend,” she reminded him. “It wouldn’t’ be right.”

He shook his head, and patted the empty space beside him. “This isn’t about romance, Elisha. This is about you getting some sleep. I know…I know you must not get much of it, and with a baby inside of you I don’t want you taking any chances.”

She bit her bottom lip, and he knew that she was very tempted to take him up on his offer. “You won’t be uncomfortable?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I thought I would be,” he chuckled.

“Well, okay Justin.” She flashed him a grateful smile, and Justin knew he’d done the right thing. She flicked off the light, and a moment later, he felt her crawl into the bed with him. “Night, Justin.”

“Hey, you’ve been great,” he told her. “And you know, I don’t know how you do it Elisha. I don’t know how you’ve been strong enough to go through most of this stuff by yourself. You’re a hell of a lot stronger than I am though, that’s for sure.” He waited for her to respond, but when all he could hear was the sound of her breathing in and out, he realized she was out cold. But that was a good thing. She needed her rest.

He smiled. “Goodnight,” he whispered.

*****************

It wasn’t fair.

Sheridan had been sitting out on the back deck for most of the evening, thinking about how unfair it all really was. Justin had barely been around at all his last few days at the ranch. The first night, he’d spent at Elisha’s. It wasn’t something she was happy about, but she didn’t let Justin know that. It wasn’t his fault that they’d fallen asleep, and she let him know that. That wasn’t the worst of it though. Upon his return to the ranch, Justin had been swamped with all sorts of things, all thanks to his mother. Lynn barely left his side now. She made sure to keep him busy too, especially when she knew Sheridan was at home. She still hadn’t made any sort of effort to get to know her, and by now Sheridan was convinced that Lynn Harless was nothing more than a selfish woman who wanted Justin all to herself.

When Lynn happened not to be around, it didn’t’ help either. Justin was always going over paperwork, or talking on the phone with his management or record label. She knew it all had to do with his career, and him getting back to work again. In the conversations they’d held in the past, Justin explained that he was still contractually obligated to JIVE, and would have to produce another album eventually; whether he wanted to or not. It was something she couldn’t even begin to understand, and she knew she had no place in it. She had no idea what it was like to be in the entertainment business, and now she figured it was too late to start asking him about it, because he was leaving.

Spending time with Juan had helped a lot. She’d been able to kick back and enjoy herself at Silver, something she probably wouldn’t have done again if it hadn’t been for him. She was grateful to him for that, and that he’d been able to push some of her insecurities about Justin and their relationship out of her mind. Juan made her realize a lot of things too. That she shouldn’t have been so worried about Justin forgetting about her, because it was obvious they were in love. And when you’re in love, nothing can stand in your way. It was true too. She was in love with Justin, and she was pretty sure he felt the same way. But she hadn’t been able to sit down and tell him all of that, not yet at least.

The last three days of his stay at the ranch had come and gone quickly, hardly giving them a chance to spend some last minute quality time together. She was angry. Angry at Lynn, angry at Justin’s management and label for keeping him so busy. She was being selfish again, and she knew it. But damn it, she just wanted him to hold her for a few minutes and assure her everything was going to be okay. She needed him. She needed him more than he would ever realize.

Gazing up into the star filled sky, she began to make a wish. She wished he would stay. She wished that something would happen, anything…to keep him with her for just one more day. She closed her eyes, and drew in a long breath. Please…

“Sheridan.’

She tried to smile at the sound of his voice, but found that she couldn’t do it. No matter how selfish she knew she was being, she couldn’t make herself be happy that Justin was doing something noble. Hell, if Lynn could be selfish and hog Justin, why couldn’t she act the same way? She was, after all, his girlfriend. She slowly looked over her shoulder to find him positioned just inside the sliding glass doorway. “Hey there,” she said softly. “You hungry? I can make you something.”

“Oh no, I‘m good. Karen made me something before. I probably should have thought twice about that though,” he chuckled. “She gave me this tofu thing.” He made a face, and wheeled himself through the door, positioning himself next to the lounge chair she was laying on. “It’s nasty stuff, Sher. Really.“

She forced a laugh, but didn’t say anything to him. She had no words right now. She loved him and he was leaving. Anything she could say right now, she knew, would only result in shedding tears in front of him. Justin didn’t need that right now. What he needed her to be was strong, and positive about the whole thing. And she would do it, come hell or high water. She would do it for him.

“So…”

She met his gaze. He seemed a little torn, as if he wasn’t sure what she was thinking. She couldn’t blame him though. She’d been in a weird mood since he came home from Elisha’s. “So,” she sighed. “You all packed?”

He scratched the back of his head. “Yeah,” he shrugged. “My mom brought all my stuff back to my house this afternoon so we wouldn’t have to worry about it…tomorrow.” He looked down at his lap a moment, and tugged at the bottom of his shirt before looking back at her. “She told me I should shave,” he mumbled. “But I just don’t see the point. Sheridan, do you think I should?” He ran his hand over his scruffy beard, and shrugged. “You think I’d look better? I think it makes me look so much younger when I shave it all off.”

She had to smile. Justin was so particular when it came to his looks, and she thought it was cute. She was curious though. Other than the television interview she’d tuned into, she’d never see her boyfriend clean shaven before. She knew it would make him look younger, but she thought that it might be good for him. It would probably make him look a lot more lively than he did now, and she was sure his family and friends needed that. They needed him to come home looking renewed, and positive. “I’m kinda curious to see it,” she finally said.

“Oh,” he winked, and nodded. “So you think I’d look hot, babe?”

“You’re hot anyway,” she cooed, and shifted herself over so she could hold his hand. “It doesn’t matter what you do.”

“You’re sweet.” He smiled, and pressed his lips against hers.

She closed her eyes, and let herself melt into the kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and let her tongue glide gently into his mouth. Soon, his lips drifted from hers and made their way down her face, and onto her neck. She felt his hands slide under her shirt a moment later, and she felt them begin to tug at the clasp of her bra.

But she knew that it wasn’t the time or place to act this way.

“Justin. Not here,” she blushed, and pulled back from him slightly. “My mother might see us.”

“Sorry.” He bit his bottom lip, and grabbed her hand, willing her back to him. “I just…girl, I’m gonna miss you so much. It’s going to be so different not having you a few feet away from me all the time. I’m…” He looked down at his lap for a moment, before continuing. “I’m scared, Sheridan.”

She faked a smile, not wanting him to be put down by her own negativity toward the situation. “Don’t be scared, baby,” she said gently. “You’re going to be fine, you know? You get to go home and be with everybody you love again. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“But I won’t have you,” he persisted, looking deep into her eyes. “I won’t have you around to keep my head together, Sher. That’s what scares me.”

“You can call me. I want you to call me every day,” she nodded, and brushed her lips against his again. “And…and on the weekends we’ll spend all of our time together.” She felt like she was reassuring herself as well as Justin. She wanted to believe her words. That it would work, that it had to work.

There was no other alternative.

His expression fell into a frown, and he ran his fingers through her hair. “And you won’t get tired of me and leave,” he whispered. “Will you, Sheridan?”

She gasped a little. Get tired of him? Leave him? He was crazy. Absolutely crazy. She was…she was head over heels in love with him, and if she ever lost him she didn’t’ know how she would ever get over it entirely. But she knew that Justin hadn’t realized that yet. He was still naïve to the fact that she could love him, probably because she’d been against the idea of them being together for so long. But if she was ever going to tell him how she felt, now was the time. Whether or not he was going to take it well, she couldn’t say. But she had to try.

“I could never leave you, Justin.“ She shot him a soft smile, and interlocked her fingers with his. She studied them for a moment. Their hands bonded together, like a perfect link…like the way their relationship should have been. “I love you,” she admitted, staring into his angelic blue eyes. “I love you so much.” Her stomach was doing flips flops, as she waited for him to say something…anything at all. But he was silent. Dead silent, and Sheridan wanted to cry.

She knew this wasn’t going to work.

“You love me, Sher?” he whispered.

She forced herself to look at him. “I can’t lie to myself anymore.”

“I uh…” He paused and scratched the side of his mouth. “I wanted to tell you…for a long time. I wanted to tell you that very same thing.” He curled his finger under her chin, and swept her up into a long passionate kiss. “I love you too Sheridan.”

She couldn’t prevent the tears from crawling down her face any longer. She let them out, and she tried not to make a scene…she really did. But after a few moments, she was sobbing like a baby. She couldn’t’ help it. She loved him, and he…he loved her too. It was almost to much for her to bear.

“Shh.” He pulled her close to him, and wrapped his arms around her. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.” He rubbed her back in a soothing, circular motion and soon, Sheridan began to calm down.

“Please don’t leave,” she managed to say. “I know it’s selfish of me to ask you that…I know it is. But Justin, I feel like I haven’t had the chance to do anything with you yet. I’ve…I’ve barely gotten to know the real you…the one inside, and now I might not get that chance…”

“Hey,” he interrupted her. “I said I loved you, right?”

She nodded.

“So that means that we’re in love, and that we’re going to make it work okay?” He kissed her forehead gently. “I’m not going to let anything bad come between us. You know that Sheridan. I’ve never let anything come between us in the past.”

“I know but…”

“No buts,” he protested. “I love you.”

She leaned into him again, and rested her head on his shoulder. “You promise that you won’t change your mind later on?”

“Fine,” he laughed. “On one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Get all sexy and help me shave.”

She looked up at him in surprise. “What?”

“You know.” He nudged her playfully. “You can go put on that little pink thing you wear for me when your mom isn’t around , and we can lock ourselves in the bathroom and have ourselves some fun.”

“Justin I don’t know.” She felt her face begin to turn red as she spoke, and she looked away from him. “I mean, if my mother sees us…”

“If you’re mother sees us, she’ll need to understand,” he interrupted. “Come on Sher. It’s the last night I’m here. Let’s make it count okay?”

Sheridan was nervous, and she felt stupid but she couldn’t help it. Being intimate with Justin was still weird for her. She was always afraid she was going to mess things up, or not know what to do when they were alone together. Fortunately for her, they barely got the chance to be alone together like this, and when they did Justin did most of the work for her. But tonight was different. Tonight had to count and she had to make an effort, because she didn’t’ know when either of them would have an opportunity like this again. It wasn’t like she didn’t want to mess around with him. She wanted to more than anything. But doing anything with Justin besides cuddling was risky. She could embarrass herself, or lean on him the wrong way and hurt him. Cuddling was the easy way out. She couldn’t hurt him if they simply laid together and kissed. Cuddling was safe…secure.

But cuddling wasn’t going to be good enough for Justin tonight, and deep inside…the better part of her knew that it wasn’t going to be good enough for her either.

“Sheridan, please,” Justin spoke up again. “I want to be with you.”

She kissed him gently, and finally managed to smile. “How could I say no to a face like that?"

It wasn’t so much that he couldn’t sleep. It was simply the fact that he didn’t’ want to. Lying on the floor with Sheridan wrapped in his arms couldn’t be described as anything but pure heaven. She was beautiful when she was naked. Every curve and freckle on her body was unique and extraordinary in it’s own way. He felt that he could lie here forever exploring and never get up again. He was lost in her, and he wanted to stay lost in her…forever.

But that was impossible. In a matter of hours, the sun would be up, Karen would come downstairs, and about an hour later his mother would show up to take him home. He didn’t want to think about it, because he knew it was going to be painfully difficult for Sheridan to say goodbye to him. Sure, he would call her as soon as he got settled in but he didn’t’ know how long that would take.. His mother tended to make everything into a project lately, and he wouldn’t’ be surprised if she kept him busy with different things until late in the evening. And by that time, he knew, he would be much too tired to talk on the telephone.

Going home wasn’t going to be easy, and he was terrified of all the changes he was about to take on. There was no doubt that the interior of his house had changed considerably since the last time he’d been there. His mother had hired a contractor and a team of people who were experts in customizing houses for the disabled, to make his house ‘suit his lifestyle‘. They’d been working on it for months now, and when he heard that news, he felt the little confidence he’d gained back, slump down to nothing again. If they’d been working on his house for months, he knew his mother must have not had any hope that he would walk again, from the beginning. It was like she didn’t’ care. That she didn’t believe in him. It made him angry, because in deep in his heart he truly believed he would walk again one day. Sheridan believed it too, and so did Karen. They believed in him, and they hadn’t even known him that long.

So why didn’t his mother feel the same way?

But he would push it all out of his head for now. Yes, he had to, because right now Sheridan was here with him, and they’d just had one of the most intimate experiences of their relationship. They’d made love. Well…as much as they could make love with him being like he was. He’d been reading up on it though. Different techniques, different ways of being able to express himself without being able to use his…equipment. Not to say that it hadn’t been awkward at first. On the contrary, it was extremely awkward for him…for the both of them. He was afraid he wouldn’t’ be able to do it with her, that it would all be too weird, too embarrassing. And that’ Sheridan would be too embarrassed to do it with him. But, she wasn’t. She was open to anything he was open to, and she let him know that. And now that their emotions had settled, now that they were both too exhausted to carry on, he realized that this was for real. He loved her, and she loved him. It was official. They were truly deeply in love with each other. And he wasn’t going to let anything…or anybody, get in the way of that ever again.

She sighed deeply in her slumber, and Justin pulled her close to him. She felt so warm, so safe, and he never wanted to let her go. But he would have to, because certain aspects of his life; like Elisha and the baby, simply couldn‘t be avoided. Sucking in a shaky breath, he lightly kissed her on the top of the head and started to pray. He wanted everything to work out, to be okay. And most of all, he just wanted everybody to butt out of his personal life. But then, he remembered who he was. He was indeed Justin Timberlake; nobody had ever felt that it was important to let him have a private life before, and he knew that they wouldn’t change their outlook on the situation now that he was in a wheelchair either. If anything, his condition made his life and persona that much more interesting to the public eye…and to those that knew him. He could see the headlines now…

He cringed.

He started to think it would be a good idea to keep Sheridan at a distance for a week or two after he returned home. Of course, he didn’t’ want to, but he figured it might be best. He would be busy getting settled in, and would have to get used to having Elisha tend to his needs, as well as getting used to working with a new doctor. Under the stress of all that, and having to act positive in front of all his friends and family, it might be too much to bring Sheridan in and have to deal with everybody’s opinion of their relationship. Yes, it was probably the best idea he’d come up with regarding the situation. But there was only one problem.

He knew Sheridan wouldn’t go for it.

It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him, Justin knew that. It was only because they’d been so close for so long, and he knew two weeks apart would seem like two years in her mind. He didn’t want her to feel that way. He didn’t’ want to isolate himself from her, but he just didn’t know what else he could do. As it was, his mother still wasn’t making enough of an effort to warm up to Sheridan, and he knew if she stayed at the house for a day or so…his mother would make her feel even less welcome. And Elisha well, he still wasn’t sure what had gone on with their whole internet conversation. He didn’t know how they would get along either, and he knew that in order for things to run somewhat smoothly, they would need to. Elisha was going to be around every moment of every day, tending to his needs and helping him to feel more at home, while the baby in her stomach grew larger. In a sense, she was going to play as big of a role as Sheridan was, leaving out the romantic side of things. It was almost like she was Trace’s replacement, as weird as that was. That meant that she was his best friend, and he couldn’t have his best friend and his girlfriend hating each other. It simply wouldn’t work.

As far choosing his new doctor went, his mother had basically made that decision for him. She seemed to really like what Doctor Taylor had to say, despite the fact that he couldn’t stand the woman. He supposed he was a little bit at fault for not sticking up for himself when she said ’I enrolled you in Doctor Taylor’s program’, but then again, his mind had been swarming with so many different thoughts that day he could hardly think straight. Simply saying yes to his mother seemed much easier…

But now he was stuck.

Both Doctor Taylor and his mother agreed that he was ‘a deeply troubled young man’ and needed ‘the best physical and mental care available.’ Once again, he felt like a child, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was terrified of going back there, of having to learn new techniques, and having to deal with Doctor Taylor’s fake persona. He couldn’t help but worry about when and if Trace came back, how he would react. He knew if he was caught talking to Trace again, the results could be devastating. His mother would think he truly needed more mental help than physical, and then he would wind up all doped up or something. And then everything he’d been working for would be one big waste. He couldn’t let that happen, and even though he hated it more than anything he knew it was time to admit it…

Trace wasn’t some ghost that was coming back to haunt him. He was merely a memory. A memory of his dead best friend, that he wanted so desperately to be real. Sheridan had been right all along, and as much as it pained him to know the truth, he was a little proud of himself for being able to grasp the reality of the situation for once. Maybe this was another step for him. Maybe this change was helping him to move forward, move on…helping him to forget. Forget about Trace. His eyes widened. Wait…no, he couldn’t forget him. He couldn’t’ just let his memory fade away like that. He had to remember smells, the way his voice sounded, his clothes, his handwriting…everything. He had to, for that baby’s sake. After all, he was going to be partly responsible for educating the kid about Trace. About what he was like and all that he’d done with his life, and about things they’d done when they were young.

A big part of him was excited about all that too. Helping Elisha raise her child, watching it grow…being there for it no matter what. He almost felt like he was about to become a father himself. But then he remembered his wheelchair, and the nagging voice in the back of his mind that constantly reminded him he might not get up and walk again. How could a child look up to him as a father figure if he couldn’t even play with it properly? He wouldn’t’ be able to hold its hands and help it to walk. He wouldn’t be able to run around the house and play hide and seek with it. Hell, he wouldn’t’ even be able to carry it upstairs to its bed and kiss it goodnight. Elisha would have to do all of that, and he felt like a failure. A fucking crippled failure who couldn’t stand on his own two feet and be responsible.

He squeezed his eyes shut, and willed his legs to move, just once…just so he could have some sort of hope before he went out to face the world. “Come on,” he grunted softly. “Move…just move.” But as hard as he tried, and as much as he hoped, nothing happened. His legs were as useless as the day he’d woken up paralyzed in the hospital. He finally gave in with a defeated sigh, and could feel the hot tears gliding down his face before he had the chance to stop them. He glanced at Sheridan quickly, just to make sure she hadn’t been witnessing any of this, and thankfully she was still asleep. He let himself cry…long…hard…heavy. It hurt so much. Everything did. He was tired of this. His wheelchair, being paralyzed, and everybody trying to run his life. But he didn’t’ have a choice. He couldn’t’ fix his back, and he couldn’t’ get people to stop feeling sorry for him. He silently thanked God for Sheridan just then. She was the only one…the only one that could even begin to understand the horrible pain he felt inside his shattered soul, and he wished like hell that she could come home with him and never leave his side again.

“Hey.” Sheridan opened her eyes a crack, and smiled at him tiredly. “You’re still awake babe?”

He rubbed his eyes a bit. Partially from his fatigue, and partially to get rid of any stray tears that might have been lingering there. “Yeah,” he whispered, and planted a light kiss on her forehead. “I was just thinking about stuff.”

She sat up and curled into his chest. “Stuff.” Her expression was a worried one. “You’re worried about going home,” she nodded, caressing one of his reddened cheeks with her hand lovingly. “But you’re going to be okay. You’re ready for this, Justin.”

But was he? Was he really ready? A few days ago he thought he was. No, he was sure. But right now, he just didn’t know. What if he went into a deep depression again, like he’d been in when he was staying with his mother? What if he lost the will to succeed? To make himself whole again? He knew it could happen. It only took something small, to drive him to the brink. He knew that all to well, and it scared him immensely. “I’m scared, Sheridan,” he admitted. He hadn’t wanted to tell her that. He wanted Sheridan to believe that he was positive about all this…but he couldn’t lie to her. Lying to her would be stupid, because he loved her more than anything in the world at this moment, and when you were in love with somebody that deeply, you didn’t’ keep anything from them. “I’m so fucking scared.”

She held him close, but she didn’t’ say anything. It seemed to be the only thing she could do for him at that moment, but it was good enough for Justin. Just holding her, knowing that she loved him…it was all he needed.

“I love you,” she said finally, just above a whisper. She placed her hands on either side of his face, and he lightly grabbed onto her arms to balance himself. “And…you don’t have to be afraid, Justin. You don’t’ have to be afraid because I’ll always love you no matter what happens.”

They kissed again. Slowly at first, but then it deepened into a whirlwind of passion. Their mouths glided over each others skin, like it was a deadly obsession that they simply couldn’t resist. He found himself pulling her closer, and closer wishing that he could feel himself inside of her. He wanted her that way…he wanted to be inside of her so he could be a part of her. It killed him that it wasn’t the way things could be. “I love you,” he gasped, after breaking another kiss. He let his lips travel down to her neck, before letting them linger on her collar bone, kissing her soft skin there. “I love you too, Sheridan.” He shifted slightly, and wrapped his arms around her.

She let out a tired, but satisfied laugh and leaned into him again. “We never shaved you,” she pointed out, before reaching up to run her fingers through the hair on his face. “But we should. You‘d look better, Justin.”

It had been so long since he’d cared about his appearance, that he’d almost forgotten what it felt like to have a good shave.. His beard was practically a part of him now, and it was weird because he’d never been the type to have a scruffy appearance before. The occasional goatee had been all, but now…now he looked like the Nanook of the North, and even though he didn’t’ really care, he knew that his family and friends wouldn’t want to see him looking so ragged. He knew he needed to do it, and actually, he might have done it sooner if it wasn’t so hard for him to do it by himself. He was so used to standing up and shaving, that doing it from a new angle was still something he was still trying to get used to.

He didn’t’ want to get used to it.

“I don’t know,” he smiled a shrugged away his insecurity. “It’s just my face.”

She gave him a skeptical look. “And I’m the one who has to love it,” she nodded. “So I want to see it. Besides, you’re an entertainer not a lumberjack.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “Lumberjack?” He kissed her on the mouth, and smiled at her again. “You’re crazy,” he whispered. “Doctor Quinn.”

Sheridan yanked their pile of clothes over to them, and helped Justin back into his before dressing herself. “And you look too much like a grumpy bear.” She slowly rose from the ground, and helped him back into his wheelchair. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

***********

The alarm buzzed loudly, and Sheridan silently prayed that she was simply having another dream. That she wouldn’t open her eyes and have to shut her alarm off. That she wouldn’t’ have to face today…tomorrow…or any of the days that were going to follow Justin’s absence. But then she felt him tighten his embrace around her, and she knew all too well that it was time to face the music. Slowly, unwillingly, she allowed her eyes to open, squinting slightly as the morning sunlight shone down on her face.

“Damn, it’s that time already?”

She heard his raspy, tired voice and smiled a little. She hit the snooze button, then turned over, so she could look at him. She took in his features…his newly shaven complexion, and his sleepy smile. She liked him this way. He looked so young, like he had so much to live for. She frowned a little, realizing just how unfair life had been to Justin. He didn’t’ deserve to be stuck in a wheelchair, forced to depend on other people. He’d lost his best friend, and that should have been enough. She realized this was his chance. His chance to have a life, despite his limitations. She tried to be happy for him…she had to be. “It is,” she whispered. She smoothed her palm over his bare cheek, and pecked him on the nose, forcing a reassuring smile for him. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I was with you,” he said, and kissed her on the mouth. “Course I did.”

After she’d shaved him, and had yet another lengthy make out session, they’d gotten into his bed together. Sheridan knew it would worry her mother if she found out, but then…she figured her mother had a good idea where she’d been all night anyway. It didn’t’ matter anymore, because her mother didn’t really have a say in their relationship so much now that Justin was leaving. Their fate now rested in their own hands, and she thought that was a good thing. At least…she hoped it was. She looked into his piercing blue eyes, searching them for the reassurance she needed to get through the day. “I love you.” She curled her body into his, and waited for the inevitable sound of the second alarm to go off. There would be no turning back after that. She suddenly felt like crying, but she wasn’t about to break down in front of him now. If anything, today was the day she absolutely needed to maintain her composure. There would be time to cry later, when he was really gone.

He smiled, and cupped her face in his hand. “I love you too,” he reassured her, and ran his hand up and down her bare arm. “And we’re gonna be fine,” he reminded her.

She didn’t‘ want to talk about it. “We should get out of bed,” she told him, and tried to pull away, but it only resulted in him pulling her closer to him.

“You know I’d stay if things were different,” he told her, with a worried tone. “Don’t you Sher?”

“Justin, don’t start explaining yourself again,” she groaned. “I know why you have to do this.”

“I just want to make sure that I’m not leaving you back here, doubting our relationship.” He stared into her eyes long and hard, seemingly trying to read her thoughts. “I don’t want to call you up one day, and hear you say that…that your not confident in us. You gotta promise me Sheridan.”

“You know that I love you,” she told him. “There’s no stronger promise than that.” She looked into his eyes, and ran her hand through his curls. She didn’t want to let go, and actually…she didn’t think she was going to be able to. But then…

Knock, knock. “Justin? Are you awake?”

“Shit,” she whimpered. “My mom.”

“It’s fine baby,” he nodded and flashed her his famous laid back grin. It was one that she’d been noticing more and more lately. It was a part of his old self shining through, and even though it was only a small part…it was still a part. It was another step for him. She frowned a little. How many major steps in his rehab process would she have to miss now?

“I’m up,” he called out. “Sheridan’s helping me.”

“Oh.” A dead silence followed. Her mother wasn’t stupid, and Sheridan was sure here mother knew there was a lot more going on between them than what Justin had just told her. She held her breath, and waited for the door to fly open, revealing her angry mother.

“Well, your mother will be here in about an hour, so you should start getting ready if you aren’t already,” was all her mother said though. Sheridan was partially shocked, but then she thought about it and figured that she would be hearing her mothers genuine feelings about the situation later…when Justin was gone.

She heard her mother shuffle back down the hallway, and let out the breath she’d been holding. “Okay,” she sighed. “We really have to get you moving, babe.”

He nodded sadly. “I know.”

They went through the normal routine for the last time. She stripped him out of his clothes, gave him his bath, changed his catheter, and helped him into the outfit of his choosing. She couldn’t help but think about Elisha, and that she would be the one doing this with him every morning from now on. She didn’t like it, not at all. But she knew she couldn’t be selfish, or jealous right now. After all, Elisha wasn’t really a threat to her relationship. She’d convinced her self that the internet conversation they’d shared was simply a misunderstanding gone horribly wrong. Sheridan was sure that once she met Elisha…they would be able to have a rational conversation, and work out their differences.

Once Justin was dressed and settled, Sheridan wheeled him out into the living room, where she wasn’t surprised to find Lynn sitting on the sofa, ready and waiting. Justin looked up at her, and shot her a reassuring smile. She tried to give him one in return, but found that she couldn’t. Lynn’s eyes were fixed on her, studying her, and she was becoming more nervous and annoyed by the second.

“Hi mom.” Justin’s voice broke the tension in the room, and Sheridan was thankful.

“Hi baby.” Lynn rose from the sofa, and walked briskly over to Justin’s side. “Oh! You shaved!,” she smiled and gave him a warm kiss and hug like she hadn’t seen him in years; making sure to wheel him out of Sheridan’s reach as she did so. “I’m so glad you took my advice honey. Because you know, you look so much better when we can all see that handsome face of yours.”

Sheridan felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. This woman had never accepted her, and she wasn’t going to accept her now. If anything, she was sure Lynn was glad Justin was being separated from her. It hurt her…a lot. She loved this woman’s son more than anything. Why couldn’t’ that be a good thing in her eyes? A positive thing? Couldn’t she think it through and realize that she was the reason he was starting to move past the accident? His best friend dying?

“The van is just outside.”

She snapped to attention at Lynn’s words. She looked at Lynn, then at Justin. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic, but he was still managing to smile for his mother. She didn’t know how. Or maybe…leaving this place wasn’t as hard on Justin and Sheridan wanted it to be.

“Don’t you want to see Karen before we go?” Justin asked, a look of pleading in his eyes.

“We spoke before,” Lynn reassured him with a warm smile. Then she shot a quick glance at Sheridan, and her smile faded at bit. It was almost like she was saying…’you’re not going to confuse my son anymore.’ “So, everything is finalized, and we better get a move on if you’re going to get settled in by tonight, Justin.”

She wanted to yell, scream, cry…anything to make Lynn stop and give them a little more time together. But she knew she couldn’t’ do any of that. It would upset Justin, and make Lynn whisk him out of here even faster. There was nothing she could do. She could only stare, clench her fists, and grit her teeth; willing herself to remain calm.

“I gotta say goodbye,” Justin said after a moment. “I haven’t even seen Karen yet this morning.”

Lynn frowned. Sheridan knew Lynn wasn’t’ getting her way, and could tell she was getting more annoyed by the minute. She didn’t’ think Lynn had the right to be acting this way. Justin may have been her son, but he was an adult and he was entitled to live his life the way he wanted to live it. IT wasn’t fair that he was being forced to abide by his mothers schedules and plans every moment of the day. He deserved a life…his own life. “Don’t’ make him go yet,” she heard herself say and her eyes widened.

Then…silence. Lynn’s eyes were like daggers, digging into her with their cold icy stare. Sheridan’ wasn’t supposed to be interfering, not with Lynn Harless’ plans. But she didn’t’ care. Justin was her boyfriend…hers, and she wasn’t going to let this woman push her around.

“Sher…please…” Justin spoke up, unexpectedly. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

She stared at him. Long, and hard. She was hurt. She didn’t’ understand why she wasn’t supposed to defend his position. After all, he wanted to say goodbye. She was just trying to help the situation. “I’m not making anything harder,” she pointed out, nearly forgetting that Lynn was standing before the both of them. “I love you and…I don’t want you to leave yet either.”

“We really need to be going.” Lynn laughed nervously and placed her hands on Justin’s handle bars.

Sheridan stepped forward. She felt her face burning, and a moment later the tears were there. This was killing her…more than she imagined it would. “Don’t,” she sobbed. “Don’t’ take him away.”

Justin covered his face with his hands for a moment. She could hear him sniffling, but she knew when he uncovered his face again his tears would be non existent.

“Look what you’ve done,” Lynn snapped. “He’s not supposed to worry about things like this right now. He’s supposed to be getting well again. He’s supposed to…God…he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet again Sheridan. You’re the doctor’s daughter, surely you can understand my position.”

“Mom…” Justin uncovered his face and looked up at his mother, before meeting Sheridan’s gaze again. It was a warning look. One that told her if she di dnt’ stop now, she was going to ruin everything for the both of them. But she didn’t’ think she could stop. In all honesty, she just wanted to yank Justin back inside his room, and lay in his arms for the rest of her life. In his arms, and only in his arms…did she feel truly safe and protected. Now she didn’t’ know if she’d ever feel that way again. Surely with Elisha in his house with him, they’d never have the chance to do what they’d done the previous night. “Mom, please don’t’ fight with her.”

Justin’s saddened request caused Lynn to frown, and look down at her son. “I just want her to understand, Justin.”

“Sheridan understands,” he nodded, then looked at her again. This time though, he smiled a little, and Sheridan couldn’t help but return it. “She understands everything about me.”

Lynn stared at her, and Sheridan stared right back. Something was different this time however. That cold, unrelenting look wasn’t’ there anymore. Instead, there was one of worry…of motherly concern. And Sheridan realized how similar her personality was to Lynn’s. They both cared about Justin, more than anything in the world, and both of them wanted nothing more than to see him walk again and live a normal life. The only thing that really differed between them, were their opinions on how to get him to that point. Sheridan wanted to work it out, and agree on something with her…but she was sure Lynn didn’t.

“I’ll…I can bring him out if you want to get the car started,” Sheridan offered, flinching slightly as she did so. “That way you wont’ have to work the lift by yourself.”

“We’ll manage,” Lynn nodded. “It was nice…seeing you again,” she managed to say, before wheeling Justin toward the door.

“Just wait,” Justin protested. “Momma…I need a few minutes.”

Lynn paused, mid-step and let out a long sigh. “We have a lot to do today, Justin.”

“I’m sure we can spare a few minutes,” he informed her. “Look, you go and start the car and we’ll be out in like fifteen okay?”

Lynn didn’t say no, but the look she gave Sheridan before she walked out of the house wasn’t a very warm one. Sheridan cringed. That hadn’t’ gone well at all. It wasn’t’ ever going to go well. Her bottom lip trembled…she felt like such a failure. A little good for nothing. Sheridan knew Elisha had been right in what she’d said in their conversation. She wasn’t like Justin…she wasn’t one of them, and she never would be.

“Sheridan.” Justin turned himself around to face her. “Sheridan please don’t’ cry now.” He wheeled himself up to her, and reached up to grab her hands. “My mother…she means well okay? It’s just going to take some time to get her used to you…that’s all.”

“You should just go,” she sobbed. “Just go and forget about me okay?”

“You’re talking stupid now,” he grumbled. “Like I could ever fucking forget you now girl. I love you…you know I love you Sheridan.”

“You think it’s going to be so easy!” she yelled. She felt horrible. The last thing she wanted to do was yell and fight with him on the day he was leaving. But she couldn’t’ help it. She was angry, so angry at Lynn for making her feel this way. And now she barely had any time to talk about how she felt about it with Justin. He had to leave. He had to. And in her mind it was just easier to turn her back on the situation as a whole.

Unfortunately, Justin’s will to make every aspect of his life work out was entirely too strong to let her give up on them. “I didn’t’ say it was going to be easy,” he whispered. “We had this conversation last night…last week…hell, since we got together. Frankly Sheridan, I’m getting sick of it. Why am I the one with all the faith in us huh? Why can’t you help me? You know…if we work together they cant’ fucking touch us. If we work together…and show them how much we love each other, sooner or later they’re going to realize it too.”

She yanked her hands from his. “You act like…going home isn’t’ going to change things,” she defended. “Like…things arent’ going to be different. But they are going to be different Justin. It‘s going to change you…more than you even know.”

“Well you know…I didn’t’ think coming here would change my life either, Sheridan,” he said. “I thought I was just going to sit in this chair, and not talk to anybody, and just crawl inside myself and die. But you know, then I met you and I realized that life was fucking…worth living.” He shook his head roughly, and then looked into her eyes again. “Look…you’re the one that told me you loved me. And I guess you know, I knew I’d already fallen in love with you. But when you said that, I figured you wouldn’t be looking back on anything after that. I thought you were just going to love me and forget about everybody else and their fucking opinions.”

“I thought I could,’ she whispered. “But your mom…”

“I explained my mother,” he interrupted. “And you need to accept that and move past it, Sheridan. I mean it when I say I love you, but I can’t be worrying about you running out on me every minute of the day. Not to be an asshole…but as you’ve noticed, I have a lot of stuff going on right now.”

She knew he had a right to be angry. He was trying to work on his mother, and everybody else…to get them to accept her. She was being entirely too paranoid and selfish, but she couldn’t’ help it. She’d always been this way, but she’d tried hard not to let Justin see it in her. “I’ll try harder.” It was the only thing she could think of to say. She knew they’d ran out of time, and Justin had to go, or else Lynn would barge back in here and take him out herself. “I don’t mean to make things harder. It’s just about today, and that your not going to be here when I wake up tomorrow…that’s all it is Justin.”

He bit his lip. “I hope so.”

They kissed one last painful time, before Sheridan took control of his wheelchair and led him out of the house, and down the ramp that led to his waiting van. She saw her mother conversing with Lynn by the van, and they both seemed to be agreeing on something…but she wasn’t’ about to ask what it was.

“Be strong for me,” he said quietly. “Please.”

“I will be,” she reassured him, pulling his chair to a halt a few feet from the van. “Have a good trip okay?” She came around to the front of his chair, and he tugged on her hand, willing her to lean down and kiss him. She knew it wasn’t’ the best thing to do. Lynn and her mother were both standing there, and Sheridan could feel their eyes digging into the back of her head. But Justin need this, and she knew it…so she did it. Her lips brushed against his, and she could feel the tears making their way down her face before she broke the kiss.

“Justin,” Lynn called.

Justin wrapped his arms around her, not seeming to care if his mother was waiting for him. “I’ll call you as soon as I can okay?,” he whispered, pressing his face into her shoulder. “It might not be til tomorrow…but I’ll call you.”

“I know.” She forced herself to pull away from him. She couldn’t even look at him anymore, because she knew if she did it would cause her to cry harder than she already was. She wiped at her eyes a little, before whispering a quick “Bye, Justin.” She turned on her heel, and started to walk back toward the house.

“Sheridan.”

His voice caused her to halt, but she didn’t want to. She needed to be done with him, and move on with the day. She had to start getting used to this right now…not later. But she figured he wouldn’t understand if she ignored him. She turned back around. “Yeah.”

“I love you,” he smiled.

She managed to return his smile. “I love you too.”

**************

The long metal rail gleamed brightly in the afternoon sunshine. It was polished, expensive looking, and the wheelchair ramp it was attached to looked just as magnificent. It was designed to contrast with the Mexican theme of his mansion, and while Justin thought his mother had done more than her part making the house look great, he still wished it didn’t’ have to be this way. He wanted steps. He wanted his legs back. He wanted Trace to come to the door in his boxers, with Elisha at his side…going on and on about how kick ass the party they’d went the night before was. He closed his eyes and tried to envision it, and for a moment he saw it all. But he snapped out of it quick. He couldn’t be doing this, not now. This was his life…the only life he had, and he should have been thankful for that and that alone. He could have been injured far worse than he was, losing the use of his upper body as well…and he knew how lucky he was. Maybe he was selfish for wanting a normal life. After all, Trace had died in that car accident. He’d paid the ultimate price.

Justin was lucky to have any kind of second chance.

“What do you think?” His mother walked around to the front of his wheelchair and smiled. “It took them awhile to get the color right, and I know that the color of the rail really clashes…but they couldn’t’ get the color I needed out here before you had to come home. So I told them to just leave it.”

He smiled. “It’s great mom,” he told her, even though he’d basically been tuning her out the whole time. He loved his mother, he really did. And in all honesty, they’d been getting along a lot better lately. But she still rambled on about things he didn’t feel were important. Like the redecorating she’d done on the house, or how she was throwing a party for his homecoming that weekend. He was glad that her life was starting to smooth out of course. That she felt she could do things as if he were perfectly fine. He guessed she needed that, after everything she’d had to put up with this year. But it didn’t’ mean that he needed to be forced into it all too. He wanted to concentrate on his own affairs. Elisha and the baby. How he was going to deal with a new doctor that he hated already…

And how the hell he was going to keep his relationship together.

Sheridan wasn’t helping. Not at all, and he was upset with her. Sure, they’d had a great last night together and he knew that she loved him very much. But her constant paranoia and insecurities about their relationship were really starting to irk him. He needed a supporter, not a downer, and that’s exactly how Sheridan was acting right now…she was bringing him down…she wasn’t giving him any hope. A small part of him was saying : ‘it’s probably better if you just forget her’. But he would never do it. Never.

He couldn’t live without Sheridan.

His mother pushed him up the ramp, and towards the front door. He held his breath for a moment, suddenly remembering he hadn’t been inside his own house since just after Trace passed. There were so many forgotten memories lingering inside those walls, and Justin feared the worst was going to happen when he was finally allowed inside. Every room…every corner and sofa and recliner would always remind him, in a small way…of Trace. It was so emotional, and he felt it building up inside of him. Then his mother pushed the door open, and wheeled him inside…

And he couldn’t’ breathe.

“Man! This is fucking great!” Trace exclaimed, from the top of the staircase. “And look…she didn‘t hardly change a thing about the house. They just like, lowered the shelves and doors and shit like that.” He jogged down the stairs and stood in front of him, a satisfied grin resting on his face. “No more shoveling horse shit or nothing. Man, what a load off huh?”

He ignored him. It wasn’t that he wanted to…not at all. Trace was so real when he came around, and it was part of the reason that Justin was so compelled to hold conversations with him. If he were alone, he would have certainly talked back to his friend. But his mother was here, and the last time he’d talked to Trace and his mother was around…he’d nearly given her a heart attack. So rather than putting himself in jeopardy again, he simply smiled and nodded at Trace, before wheeling himself further inside his home.

Trace did have a point. His mother really hadn’t altered much of the set up or decoration of his homes interior. It was only the fixtures and some of the furniture and floor work that had changed. His mother gave him the grand tour, pointing out everything the contractor and his team had done to make his home suit his needs. Everything had been ripped apart and lowered, so he could reach it easily. His kitchen seemed fit for a midget. The countertops were a given. But his mother had also put in a specialized stove that came to just past his middle torso. The refrigerator was different too. It was the regular size of course, but it came equipped with special sliding shelves that dropped down in a way that he could access even the highest placed items.

The biggest change to his home however, was the special elevator that could bring him upstairs and downstairs with the simple push of a button. He had to admit, it was pretty cool to have an elevator in his house, but he wished it had simply been installed because he was getting tired of walking up and down the stairs all the time. But he wouldn’t feel bad about it. He figured it would benefit Elisha too. He knew that when she got close to her due date, she would have a hard time getting up and down the stairs herself. An elevator would definitely help.

“And this…” his mother cooed excitedly as they turned another corner. “This is the big surprise.”

The tiniest part of him visualized Sheridan standing there smiling. “Your mother fooled you,” she would laugh. “We’ve been planning this for weeks. I’m going to stay here with you…”

He smiled at the thought, but it quickly faded when his mother wheeled him into the living room and he set his eyes on the ’surprise.’ Sitting there, in the middle of the room was what could only be described as a first class airplane seat on wheels. It’s seat was oversized, and seemed to have extra cushioning for added comfort. It had three sets of wheels, which Justin figured would be used for extended maneuverability. And there on the left arm, sat a joystick to control the monstrosity. It was an electric wheelchair. Something Justin had come to know as a wimps chair. And he didn’t’ like it…not at all.

“Isn’t it great!” his mother said excitedly, placing a brochure on his lap before running over to the chair. “The salesman brought over several models for me to look at, but he said this one was the best one for indoor use…and for somebody that has no function in their legs.”

He couldn’t meet her gaze as he opened up the brochure. “Congratulations on your purchase of the Pride Jazzy 1143 Mighty Power Chair,” he began, and didn’t’ hesitate to send his mother a skeptical glance as he looked up from the paper. Congratulations? On what? Being crippled? Yeah, there’s something to celebrate, he thought. “This model has been designed for excellent indoor maneuverability and outstanding outdoor capability,” he continued. “It includes twelve drive wheels for enhanced outdoor performance, and has a three hundred pound weight capacity, combined with patented mid-wheel drive performance and maneuverability. This complete package makes the Pride Jazzy 1143 Mighty the ultimate indoor/outdoor power chair.” He slowly folded the brochure back up, and sighed. “It’s another wheelchair,” he groaned.

“You’re going to love it,” she beamed. “It’s going to make everything so much easier for you, Justin.”

He wasn’t thrilled at all. He’d grown accustomed to his own powerless wheelchair. In the beginning of course, he wanted a powered one very badly. The constant strain on his arms being almost too much for him to bear. But his doctor recommended that he stay in a powerless for at least two months, just so his upper body could become strong enough to do all the work that his legs couldn’t. At first, he had been counting the days until that time came. But Karen had taught him different things. Like how to rely on his arms for everything he needed, and by sticking to the same chair he had now, he’d managed to keep his upper body in great condition. He didn’t’ want to be lazy now, he realized. He really couldn’t afford to be. “Um…its’ really great mom. But…I’m sorta used to my own wheelchair.”

The excitement in his mother’s eyes faded. “Justin don’t be ridiculous,” she chuckled. “That chair is so old, and beat up. Besides, you aren’t going to be getting up and feeding horses at five am…you don’t need to exhaust yourself like that anymore.”

“But mom…”

But she wasn’t paying any attention. With a gentle push of the joystick, the chair glided forward silently, and his mother grinned. “Come on and try it baby,” she told him. “I tried it. It’s fun.”

Did she hear herself? Fun? How could a wheelchair be fun? He knew what would be fun. Fun would be standing on his own two feet and taking Sheridan out for the time of her life, like she deserved. Like he would have been able to…if he’d just been a little bit more cautious that night.

He bit his lip. He really didn’t want to tell her no, and get himself into an argument with his mother right now. As it was, Elisha was bringing her essentials over in a little while, and they were going to be going over his routine and such. And when Elisha was around, he didn’t’ like to be in a rotten mood. She was one of the people that Justin felt deserved the best of him…and she would get it no matter what. But then, if he wasn’t’ going to argue with his mother… he didn’t really have any other option. He was going to get in that stupid new chair, make his mother happy, and be slightly less independent that he was now. With a power wheelchair to do the work for him, he wouldn’t need to rely on himself that much. It was like a twenty four hour robotic babysitter, and he felt so stupid.

He let his mother help him into the new chair. Or rather, he tried to prevent himself from slipping out of her grasp as she struggled to transfer him from one chair to the next. It was awkward. His mother hadn’t yet learned where to place her hands, or learned the right way to lift him. Elisha had gotten it on the first shot of course, but it was only because he’d been able to explain it to her correctly. His mother wouldn’t allow him to explain anything to her, and he knew it was because she felt she should already know what to do. It was probably dangerous. He knew she could hurt him if she wasn’t properly educated…but he couldn’t tell her otherwise. She wanted to help, so much that it was killing her. To tell her no…would take what little dignity she had left, away. And he couldn’t live with that.

“There,” his mother sighed, once he’d finally been positioned in the chair. “Now, you can’t tell me the Jazzy isn’t better than that old thing”

Although he couldn’t feel anything underneath him, his back did feel a lot more comfortable against the chair’s soft cushioning. This chair was elevated too, and he felt a lot bigger than he had in a long time. He smiled slightly. Maybe it wasn’t’ so bad. But he really didn’t want to get used to it. He didn’t want to lose his strength, become weak…and not be able to function like he’d been able to on the ranch. “It’s nice,” he forced himself to agree.

“Well go ahead…make it go,” his mother said eagerly. “I want to make sure you really like it.”

Reluctantly, he pushed the joystick forward, and the chair surged ahead quickly. In the matter of thirty seconds he was at the other end of the room. With his other chair, it would have taken him a least a minute and a half; if his wheels didn’t get caught on something. It was easy, it was effortless…and he knew once he allowed himself to use the chair more he wouldn’t want to go back to the old way. He could already feel himself becoming more relaxed as it was, and he knew if Karen was around she definitely wouldn’t have approved at all. He maneuvered himself back around, and glided back to where his mother stood.

“Well?” she smiled.

“It’s definitely easier,” he sighed. “Ill give you that. But I still…you know, the other chair helps me keep my strength up, and I need my upper body strength for the bars.”

“Oh it’s okay,” his mother said confidently. “I talked to Doctor Taylor, and she said a power chair was perfectly fine…”

That was that last thing he wanted to hear. It was Doctor Taylor’s idea, and that made him angry. Why should it have been her decision? It was his body, and he should have been consulted first. He wanted to scream all of this in his mother’s face, but then he saw her folding up his old wheelchair, and that was more important to him. Yes, he said he would try this new way of getting around, but he hadn’t agreed to anything. “I need that,” he told her. “I’m not staying in this thing, mom.”

His mother sighed. “It will just take some getting used to Justin. Doctor Taylor said that a power chair was just what you needed, and that we should get you into one and out of the other one. Now, you don’t want to go against your doctor’s wishes do you?”

He clenched his fists in anger. He felt like he was being pushed around…handled…and he hated it. “She’ll never be as good as Karen,” he snapped. “I don’t fucking care how many fuckin PhD’s she has.”

“Justin…,” his mother sighed and rubbed her hands on her thighs. “I just think it’s best if…”

“Fine.”

When he finally found the strength to look up at his mother again, it was too late. She was gone, and he was all alone. He heard a door slam somewhere upstairs, and he knew he’d really pissed her off. Part of him knew that some of the things he’d said were out of line. She was trying her best…she really was, and he wasn’t’ really giving anything she was doing a chance. But then he also knew she hadn’t been around for him like he knew she should have been. She brought him to Karen’s. She left him there. Then Sheridan came along…and she cared, and she understood, and she stuck by him. How could his mother blame him for becoming emotionally and physically attached to her. For the first time that day, he felt Sheridan’s anger. He knew what it felt like. And it wasn’t’ fair.

“Did I miss something?”

He looked up. Elisha was standing in the doorway, suitcases in hand. He shook his head, partly in response to her question, and partly because he felt horrible that he couldn’t really help her with her luggage. “Nothing.” But his voice cracked, and he hiccupped a little bit. “You okay?”

Elisha gave him a sympathetic look, and dropped her suitcases. “Don’t be all stubborn,” she whispered. “You had another fight with her didn’t you?”

He rubbed his eyes with one of his hands. “I’d tell you if I knew you wouldn’t worry.”

“I worry regardless.”

He felt one of her hands fall on his cheek, and it caused him to look up at her again. In her eyes…he could see that strong confidence that Trace had always had about him. It was like part of him was in her now, and he reached out and grabbed onto her hand. “Thank you.”

She sucked in a long breath, and pecked him softly on the cheek. “You can always talk to me, Justin. I wont…talk you down or anything, okay?”

He squeezed her hand. “I know. I’m,…I’m really glad that you’re hear ‘lish.”

“It’s a boy you know.”

Justin’s eyes darted over to the doorway. Trace was back…again, and it confused him. He figured the first run in was more of a welcome home bonus deal. But now Trace was back again, and talking about the baby of all things. He couldn’t say anything though, not with Elisha there. So instead he just stared at his friend, like he was crazy.

“He’s gonna have her eyes, and my nose,” Trace chuckled. “Cute kid. I just hope that he doesn’t inherit his height from my side of the family.”

“She got you a new wheelchair,” Elisha pointed out.

“Yeah,” Justin sighed, shooting a glance at Trace. “I hate it.”

“I would too,” Trace laughed. “You’re like, half man…half machine now.”

He glared at Trace. He was looking for sympathy, not criticism.

She shrugged. “It must be easier for you though,” she nodded. “You don’t have to wheel yourself anymore.”

“But that was the point. It kept my strength up,” he sighed. “And she just doesn’t get it. This new doctor she got for me has more say in my life than I do.”

Elisha sighed, and sat down on the arm of the sofa. “You have to understand her perspective too, Justin.”

“I’ve tried,” he groaned. “God, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve tried, Elisha. She just doesn’t want to listen to me. I’m just the crippled guy.”

“God,” she chuckled. “You sound just like Trace. Stubborn as a mule.”

“So I had a few downfalls baby,” Trace sighed. He came up behind her, and Justin gasped as Trace put his hands on her shoulders. “But you know, I had more good qualities than bad.”

“God, it’s cold in here,” Elisha shivered, and shrugged her shoulders a bit.

Justin gasped.

“Did your mom pump up the ac, Justin?”

He looked at Trace again. “I um…I dunno,” he said quickly. He was confused. Could Elisha feel him? Was Trace really there?

“Fuck man,” Trace groaned. “I miss her like…god, you have no idea.” He shook his head roughly, and stepped back from her. Justin thought he might have been able to see tears in Trace’s eyes too, but then he vanished, and Justin never got to find out.

“Well, I’m going to find out,” Elisha giggled. “I don’t need to be sick right now, and you certainly don’t need to be either. Do you need anything?”

“No…” he said, his mind only half with her. “I’m fine.”

“Okay well…I’ll be back in a bit to talk about our plans.” She picked up her suitcases, and flashed him another reassuring smile. “Welcome home, Justin.”

He watched her go, and let out a heavy sigh. “Some welcome,” he muttered.

Three weeks later

The fall was usually an exciting time for Sheridan.  Unlike most of her peers, she’d always been excited to start a new year of classes, and the feeling only became stronger when she was accepted into NYU.  Now, as she began to choose her classes for the new semester, she desperately tried to lose herself in the prospect of a new challenge, of new professors.  When she returned to school it meant she would finally be busy again, too busy to worry about stupid things like romance, and she’d been convincing herself that it was better that way.  Only the smallest part of her was holding her back from moving on, from moving forward with her life and her dream of following in her mothers footsteps as a world class physical therapist.

It was the love she had for Justin.

The love that she knew was beginning to flicker out like a candle in the wind.

She was trying so hard not to be mad at him.  She didn’t want to be, because she knew how much he loved her, how he had made her promise that she would hold her head up and be strong for him while they were forced to be apart.  She knew it wasn’t his fault she’d only been able to speak with him on the phone twice in the three weeks since he left for home.  He was just...busy, she was sure.  No, he didn’t explain himself during that first phone call, tell her what exactly was keeping him so busy that he couldn’t give her a quick call every evening, but then again...she didn’t ask, so she figured it wasn’t her place to feel badly about it.

Still, she wished she knew what was going on, and who it was going on with.

The second phone call had come two evenings ago, seemingly at the very last minute.  It was a little bit past ten, which was late for him.  At the ranch, Justin’s normal bedtime had been ten on the dot most of the time, due to his early morning routine.  But Sheridan figured Justin’s routine had changed drastically since he’d been home.  Neither she or her mother were there to loom over him anymore.  They couldn’t kick his ass into gear and make him keep his energy level up anymore.  She knew the only people staying with him now were his mother who naturally babied him, and Elisha, a friend...and whatever else she was.  Neither of those people were going to be hard on Justin, because they had their own agenda’s and probably figured he’d been through enough and it was time that he did what he wanted.  To say the call caught her off guard was an understatement.  She’d been ready to turn in, in fact, having been awake only due to the IM chat she’d been having with Marcy for most of the evening.  She even thought for a moment that it might have been Marcy calling her quickly, to remind her of some ridiculous theory she’d conjured up after they’d had signed off as to why it was that Justin didn’t seem to give a damn about her anymore.  She’d finally caved in one night after Justin had gone home, told Marcy everything, that she thought she loved Justin, and what they’d done together.  Surprisingly enough,  Marcy had been a lot more civil about it than she thought she would be.  A few giggles had erupted from her friend, but otherwise she’d had some pretty good advice, and Sheridan figured it was that advice alone that helped her to hold out for three weeks instead of cutting Justin off completely.

“Look...it’s okay Marcy,” she’d giggled into the receiver automatically.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Hey...Sher, it’s me.”

She felt the silliness fade out of her system quickly at the sound of Justin’s voice.  The pangs of worry surged through her, and for several moments she felt like she couldn’t breathe.  There were so many things she wanted to ask him in that instant.  Things that would make her sound pathetic, and weak, when he’d been counting on her to stay strong for him.  It was an overwhelming feeling.  So overwhelming that the only thing she could seem to get out was  ‘Oh...hi.’ like hearing his voice didn’t even matter to her. 

“Were you sleeping?” He asked her, the guilt in his voice apparent.  “I’m uh, real sorry.  I should have known that...”

“No,” she said immediately, trying to keep the fear out of her voice.  “No I just... I mean...”

“You weren’t expecting me to call,” he said, knowingly.

“I haven’t heard from you since the week you left,” she told him, not without regret. 

“You won’t believe the shit I’ve had to do,” he provided, like it was a good excuse.  “There’s people here all the time, Sheridan.  I can’t get a minute to myself and...you know, my mom has just been thrusting one thing in my face after the next...”

It was nothing she hadn’t been expecting, and she tried to suppress the heavy sigh from escaping her.  She didn’t want him to think he’d let her down, because the whole situation was something he couldn’t have prevented.  Her mother had told her this would happen from the start, that he would go home...move on, and leave her behind.  She hadn’t wanted to listen of course.  She was a stupid, foolish girl who fell in love with somebody she never really had in the first place.  “Listen,” she said, interrupting his excuses suddenly.  “I think that maybe...”

“I just wanted you to come down to the house this weekend,” he blurted out before she could finish.  “My mom had a formal family party for me already but my friends wanted to have one for me too.  It’ll be like a backyard barbeque.  I really want to see you.”

She’d sighed this time, knowing it was a bad move to take him up on his offer, that she could end things right then and move on without a regret.  It would have been the right thing for both of them...but the part of her that loved him didn’t want to let him go just yet.  After all, he was making an effort, and despite the fact that he hadn’t been doing much of anything regarding their relationship lately, she wouldn’t hold a grudge against him.  “You want me to come to your house?”

“Yeah.” She could hear him smiling a little.  “You can spend the weekend.  I dont have to be back at therapy til Monday afternoon.”

“The weekend?” She questioned him skeptically.  “I’m sure you’re mom won’t go for that.”

“Who cares?  She’s not here, she flew back to Tennessee for a little while.  My cousin Rachael has been helping out a little bit instead.  She won’t say anything.”

“Oh...”  A sudden brilliance had filled her up inside.  A weekend with Justin? Alone? Suddenly she forgot that she’d barely spoken to him in three weeks.  It didn’t even matter.  All that mattered was that she was still important to him, and everything, including her classes, went out the window after that.  “Well who else is going?” Was her next question.  She was never that shy, but after the attitude she’d received from Lynn Harless, and who she was sure was Elisha, she couldn’t say she was thrilled to be introduced to anybody else in Justin’s circle.

“Just some people,” he told her.  “I’ll introduce you, don’t worry okay?”

She realized he had no idea how much pressure would be on her shoulders walking into this weekend blind.  The people there wouldn’t know her, but she was positive they’d heard about her, and she was certain they didn’t approve.  “I don’t know...”

“Hey,” he said to her seriously.  “Do you not want to see me or something?”

“Justin,” she sighed harshly.  “That’s not it.”

“You promised me you weren’t going to worry about other people.”  His voice had been a little dark, and very sad.  “You said you were going to try really hard.”

“And I have been,” she partially snapped.  “God, Justin...I’m all alone here, you know that!  I haven’t spoken you to in three weeks, and you just expect me to come bounding into your house like everything is great...like our lives are so fucking normal.”

He was silent and so was she, for a very long moment.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” he finally said.  “I promise, I’ll explain it to you when you get here.”

It was a ploy to make her come, and she knew that, but at the same time...she knew she wasn’t going to say no to him.  She loved him, even though her future with him was still very uncertain.  “I have to talk you about what’s going to happen when I leave for school too,” she confessed, quietly.  “It’s getting close, Justin.”r32;
“We’ll figure all that out,” he promised her.  “We will.”

Despite their separation, he still seemed to be confident in them, and Sheridan didn’t really understand how he could be.  But maybe he was used to long distance relationships, due to how hectic his career had always been.  She tended to forget that, about the fact that he’d had girlfriends in the past, and the career too.  He’d made it work to some extent, she knew that.  So she figured she should have been giving him the benefit of the doubt, and wait to hear what he had to say.  She knew it would be good to see him, to feel his strong arms wrapped around her again, and so...like she knew she would from the moment his voice came on the line, she gave into him.  “I’ll be there on Saturday.”

“Saturday morning,” he corrected her with a chuckle. 

“Saturday morning,” she whispered back with a soft smile as she bit her lip. 

“I love you.” He said it first, sounding more sincere than she thought he’d be.  “You know that right?”

“Yeah,” she’d said quietly after a moment.  “I love you too.”

She hung up with a feeling of slight reassurance mixed with pangs of nervousness.  She wasn’t sure what to expect, all she knew was that she had to have her wits about her and not show her weak side when she saw Justin.  Despite everything, he sounded almost refreshed, and she began to wonder if he was better off at home with a different therapist, his friends by his side.  Of course, from the moment she met Justin she could tell he wasn’t the type that needed to be isolated.  It was his mother that made that decision for him.  The funny thing was, if she hadn’t...they never would have met.

But Sheridan had never believed in fate before, and she wasn’t about to start now.

She kept to herself mostly for the rest of the week, trying to avoid her mother if she could, because she didn’t want her to find out her weekend plans.  Of course, her mother knew Sheridan missed Justin, but she strongly discouraged her from seeing him, with good reason.  She was scared for her...she didn’t want to see her get hurt anymore than she was, but that didn’t matter to Sheridan.  She was going to see her boyfriend regardless of anybody else’s opinion, she just knew she’d be able to do it a lot easier without her mother breathing down her neck.  She made up a story instead, said some friends from school were in town for the last week of summer and she was going to camp out their hotel for the weekend.  As it turned out, it didn’t matter to her mother anyway.  She was going to a four day medical convention, and wouldn’t be back until Tuesday.

It was perfect.

She bid her mother goodbye Friday afternoon, and spent the rest of the day and most of the evening throwing together a wardrobe for the weekend.  It was so stupid, as she’d never cared what she wore for Justin before.  But it was different now.  It was like...he’d been in her world before, and now she was entering his.  She knew what it entailed too.  His friends were rich, they lived a glamourous lifestyle, and as she stared at her clothes she realized just how much of a country girl she was.  Sure, she had a couple of dresses, but they were too much for a casual barbeque.  She found some jeans she’d intended on wearing back in New York, but knew she would have to put them to use, along with a few new blouses as well.  God, she hoped it was enough.  The one thing she didn’t want to have to deal with was ridicule.

It was bad enough she wasn’t accepted as somebody important in Justin’s life as it was.

It was almost impossible to sleep that night.  Each time she tried her dreams were immediately plagued with visions of angry people throwing things at her, or simply pointing and laughing.  She woke up in a cold sweat at three in the morning, and held her head in her hands.  She’d never felt so scared since her father died, and she knew she was probably overreacting.  It couldn’t be that bad...going to see him.  “I’ll fit in just fine,” she said to herself.

“Are you sure?” Came the familiar voice.

It was wonderful that she was hearing voices again.  She didn’t understand.  It had been awhile since it had happened, and she was sure that this time it was simply due to stress more than anything else.  She didn’t freak out this time because of this.  Instead, she got out of bed, staggered into her bathroom and flipped the light on, squinting her eyes for awhile due to the brightness before she was able to view herself more clearly in the mirror.

And what she saw in the background, nearly caused her to wet herself.

“What the fuck!” She screamed, as she stared back into the mirror.  There was Juan standing in front of the shower door, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans, staring back at her with the most serious expression she’d ever seen on his face.  It was eerie...scary, and she didn’t know what to think. She whirled around, quickly, ready to tackle him to the ground.  “How did you...”

But he wasn’t there.

“What’s going on...”  She was freaking out at this point, shivering and crying, muttering strange things to herself that she couldn’t make sense of.  She felt her body slide down to the floor, and she clutched her hair with her shaking hands.  “Holy shit...”  She took a few moments to catch her breath, to rationalize what she’d just seen.  No, it couldn’t have been Juan.  That was just insane.  Surely, she was losing it, and she would prove that to herself.  Scrambling to her feet, she ran over to her dresser and snatched her purse, dumping it’s contents out onto the bed, and plucked the folded up piece of paper she’d saved with Juan’s phone number on it out of the mound of stuff.  She knew it was late, but she didn’t really care.  She was sure she was hallucinating...

But still.

She dialed the number quickly, her hands shaking as she pressed the buttons on her cell phone.  It rang three times, and then...

“Shit...” A tired voice groaned.  “Who’s this?”

“S-sheridan,” she stuttered, nearly falling over in relief that it was really his voice she was hearing.

“Oh...”

She heard rustling in the background, and was sure she’d just woken up him up.  “Fuck, I’m sorry,” she said, still slightly hysterical.  “I just...I think I had a bad dream or something.”

“And you’re callin’ me?” He laughed tiredly.  “I’m flattered.”

“I just needed to make sure... I mean,” she paused and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment.  “Where are you?”

“In my apartment...” He trailed off, as if he was more confused than she was.  “Should I be someplace else?”

“No.” She laughed, feeling like a complete asshole.  “You can go back to sleep.  I’m... I’m really sorry.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He said, sounding more awake now.  “You sound like something just scared the shit out of you.”

“I just have a big weekend,” she admitted with a nervous laugh.  “I think my brain is out of synch or something.”

“Yeah I um...I heard Justin is having a barbeque or something,” he said casually.  “Marty wants me to come.  Are you going?”

She was shocked.  “I...yeah...” she said, exasperated.  “I didn’t know you were in town.”

“I’m in town for this,” he laughed.  “So I guess I’ll be seeing you, huh?”

Although she wouldn’t have minded seeing Juan again, she definitely didn’t want to see him with Justin around.  She never mentioned him to Justin, and considering that they had made out before, she knew Justin more than likely wouldn’t have approved of him.  “I guess...”

“Hey look, you don’t have to worry,” he chuckled.  “Justin doesn’t have to know about...before.  If you want, I can just pretend we’ve never met before.  I’m good at that kind of thing.”

She perked up at his suggestion.  Sheridan wasn’t the type of person who would have suggested that sort of thing, just because it was a little bit rude, but Juan didn’t seem to mind.  He was trying to be her friend, and she was thankful.  “Are you sure?”

“Hey, I hate drama, and I don’t want to start something, you know?”

“Yeah,” she said, sighing heavily.  “Well, I appreciate it.”

“Sure thing.  Now, if you dont’ mind...”

“Oh...” She smacked her forehead with her hand.  “Yeah, I’m sure you want to go back to bed,” she laughed stupidly.

“I’ll just see you tomorrow,” he reassured her.  “But if you need anything, just call me back okay?”

She didn’t know why he cared, but she smiled anyway.  It was nice to have him in her life, despite the fact that she rarely spoke to him.  “Yeah, I will,” she said.  “Goodnight.”

“Don’t worry,” he said quickly before she could hang up.  “You’ll fit in fine.”

She stared at the phone as the line went dead.  That was weird.  It was like...he knew why she was worried.  No...that was stupid.  They hadn’t spoken for weeks, he couldn’t possibly know why she was so insecure.  Surely, he was able to read her emotions simply because she sounded scared.  He was just reassuring her out of coincidence.  She laughed out loud.  “I need to go to bed,” she groaned to herself.  “Before I start hearing more voices in my head.”

Something made her pass out cold once she got into bed, and she wasn’t sure what it was.  Maybe she had simply exhausted herself, but no matter...she was thankful for the few hours of sleep she was able to have before her buzzer went off at quarter to eight.  She was showered and dressed within a half hour, and didn’t hesitate to race to her car, one suitcase in each hand.  She found herself filled with excitement, knowing that in an hours time she would be with Justin again.  She threw her luggage into the back of the Ford, and quickly jumped into the drivers seat, determined to beat any sort of traffic that could come between her and the destination she needed to reach.

Traffic was lighter than expected, which put Sheridan in a better frame of mind as she pulled up to the familiar gated mansion.  The area was just as she remembered it, but she was sure the code had been changed on the pin pad, so she decided to ring the buzzer to avoid any awkward confrontation.  An unfamiliar female voice responded shortly after she’d pressed the button, and she stated her name with a shaky voice.

“Oh...Sheridan, yeah, come on through.” The slightly southern feminine voice responded, like she knew exactly who she was.

Sheridan felt uncomfortable already as the gates parted, but she didn’t hesitate to drive through them, knowing that Justin had surely been alerted to her arrival.  She knew she didn’t want to keep him waiting, even though she could have done without meeting the other people dwelling inside his massive house.  Maybe the house was big enough inside to give them some privacy.  It was all she could hope for once she parked the car and got out.  Standing at the bottom of the obviously new wheelchair ramp that lead to  Justin’s front door, she took a deep breathe, not really knowing what to expect, but trying desperately to make the negative feelings inside of her go someplace else.

The door opened before she could knock, and a petite brunette answered, her smile small and slightly tired.  Her outfit was simple, a black spaghetti strap tank with denim shorts and flip flops, and Sheridan started to relax a little bit.  She wasn’t so fancy, she seemed pretty normal actually, and that was good.  It meant she might not be as different from these people as she thought.  

“Hi,” she said, sticking her hand out for Sheridan to shake.  “Sheridan right?”

She nodded slightly.  “Yeah.” She forced a small smile and shook the woman’s hand.

“I’m Justin’s cousin, Rachael,” she informed her, before stepping aside so Sheridan could enter Justin’s home. 

“Oh, yeah he said you would be here,” Sheridan said, turning back to her once she heard the door close.

“Well...that’s nice.” Rachael flashed her the same simple smile she’d greeted her with before walking slightly ahead of her.  “Justin’s doing some phone interviews, so you can just follow me.  Do you have bags?”

“Yes,” Sheridan managed. 

“One of the guys can get them later on,” she reassured her as she began to walk further ahead.  “Hungry?”

“I um...well I didn’t eat,” Sheridan said back to her, raising her voice slightly because Rachael had walked a little too far ahead, and she was too scared to scurry any further up next to her. 

“Good, because we’re in the middle of breakfast.” Rachael chuckled.

Rachael seemed nice enough, but Sheridan knew that her pleasantness was pretty much being forced out right now.  She was sure it was for Justin’s sake, because they were family and Justin had more than likely told her how much he cared about her...to please be nice to her.  Sheridan did the best she could not to dwell on those feelings though, instead she focused on the interior of Justin’s house...the one he hadn’t been able to show her all those weeks ago during their secret trip back here.

The house seemed to sprawl out in all directions, and Sheridan noticed that most of it had been altered to suit Justin’s handicap.  He was sure his mother had done it all, but it reassured her a little bit, knowing he had independence here, that he could pretty much do for himself, and that was what he wanted all along.   It really was massive though.  There were three hallways that she followed Rachael down before they were dumped out into a huge eat in kitchen.  She immediately smelled the heavenly scent of sausage and pancakes filling the air, before she glanced over to her left...at the table...where another woman sat.  This one was blonde, and was more focused on the magazine she was flipping through than Sheridan’s sudden arrival.  She glanced at the cover, curious as to what could have been so intriguing and found that it was a copy of Parents Magazine.

She knew it was Elisha, without a doubt.

“Well sit,” Rachael laughed, as she pulled out a chair for her.  “Fill a plate, hun.  Don’t be scared.”

Elisha didn’t look up from her magazine.

Sheridan decided it was best not to comment, and simply did as Rachael told her.  She sat, filled her plate with samples of the various foods that were spread across the table, and began to eat her fill. It was so weird.  There was no conversation at all.  Rachael seemed intrigued with her cellphone and her breakfast now, and Elisha still hadn’t looked up from her magazine.  What did it mean? Was it always like this? Or was her presence so unwanted that the two women figured it was better not to say anything at all?  She wasn’t sure, but she wished that Justin would finish up whatever he was doing.  She knew with him by her side, she wouldn’t feel like such an outcast anymore.

She was halfway through her breakfast, and Elisha had started in on another magazine by the time the buzzing came.  Sheridan’s head shot up at the sound, not having expected it, and looked to Rachael for an answer who simply smiled again and got up from the chair she’d been sitting on.  She trotted across the kitchen and huffed as she pressed a button on the wall which Sheridan was sure was some kind of intercom.  “You rang?” Rachael droned.

“Yeah. I’m done...and starving...alone...in my room...”

“Oh hold on,” Rachael said, trying to sound serious but failing miserably.  “I’ll be up in a minute.”

His voice sounded amazing, despite the fact that he sounded a little bit agitated.  It didn’t matter though.  He was there, and she was going to see him in just a few minutes.  She couldn’t help but smile, but as she did, she found that Elisha had finally looked up from her magazine...

And was glaring at her.

“Hey Sheridan, do you want to come with?”

Sheridan managed to revert her gaze back to Rachael after a moment.  “You don’t mind?”

“No...I mean, that’s why you’re here, right?”  Rachael shrugged.

“Yeah.” Sheridan felt herself blush.  “I am.”

“Kay, come on.”

Rachael started away, and Sheridan got up from the table, not being able to help but look back at Elisha once more.  She was still staring at her, not glaring at her as much as she had been, but had a cold expression on her face nevertheless.  “Hi,” Sheridan said to her.  “Elisha right?”

Elisha drummed her fingers on the table top and surveyed Sheridan with her eyes, clicking her tongue in slight disapproval a moment later.  “Yeah,” she nodded.

“Well it’s nice to meet you,” Sheridan said softly.  “Do you um...do you know when you’re due?”  It wasn’t the fact that she was really interested, but she figured talking about the baby might get Elisha to warm up to her a little bit.

“February,” Elisha said without much enthusiasm.

Sheridan just nodded.  It was apparent that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, and she figured it was better to leave the girl alone...that she’d come around when she was ready.  “Well I’ll see you in a little while I guess...”

“So, let me get this straight,” Elisha spoke up before Sheridan could catch up with Rachael.  “You’re dating Justin?”

She turned slightly so she could look at her again.  Elisha seemed a little amused now, a defiant little smirk resting on her lips as she waited for a response.  Sheridan didn’t know what she was trying to do, but she knew she didn’t like it.  “Right,” she nodded. 

“Wow.”  Elisha pursed her lips together and nodded a little bit.  “Funny how he never talks about you.”

She laughed slightly and shook her head.  “Whatever.”

“Well I’m just trying to let you know,” Elisha continued innocently.  “I mean, generally if you’re dating somebody, you talk about them once in awhile with your friends and family.”

“Rachael seemed to know who I was,” Sheridan defended.

“Please,” she rolled her eyes.  “She has to know.  She’s his assistant now.”

“Hey...are you coming?”

Sheridan turned slightly.  Rachael had come back into the kitchen, and was staring at her like she didn’t know why she hadn’t followed her.  “I um...yeah...”

“Elisha,” Rachael narrowed her eyes at the blonde with a knowing expression.  “Don’t start.”

“Hey, I was just getting my point across,” Elisha grunted, pushing herself up from the table slowly and grabbing her magazines.  “She should know the truth.”

Sheridan stared at the massive bump in the middle of Elisha’s stomach, trying her best not to scowl.  She was a bitch.  A bitch who didn’t deserve to have Justin doing all of this for her, and the only reason he was, was because of that bump.  She sighed a little.  “You know...I can just go...”

“Ohh-hhh no,” Rachael said, grabbing her by the wrist and leading her away before Elisha could do anymore damage.  “Just forget her, okay? She’s...she has issues.”
r32;“Is everyone going to be like this?” Sheridan asked desperately.

Rachael let go of her wrist and stopped walking.  She turned back to Sheridan, with a sympathetic look on her face.  “Look, it’s not going to be...you know, normal.  I mean, a lot’s happened.  I don’t mind you being around Justin if that’s what he wants...if that’s what you want.  But I’ve never been one to be very opinionated about his love life, and I guess it’s why Justin puts a lot of his trust in me.  Just don’t take it personally, Sheridan.  We’ve all lost a friend this year, and I guess...part of Justin a long with him.” She shook her head sadly.  “Everybody just wants things to be normal again and for Justin to bring in an outsider...”

Sheridan stared at her, feeling her eyes widening with each passing second.

She didn’t belong here.  She wasn’t going to “fit in”, despite Juan’s reassurance.

“Look, just don’t worry,” Rachael said gently.  “I know Justin is dying to see you and that’s the important thing...so come on.”

Sheridan forced herself to follow along behind Rachael again, despite the fact that she would have much rather gotten back into her car and gone straight home. The rest of Justin’s group of friends hadn’t even arrived yet, and already Sheridan knew her place. It hurt, she could feel her heart breaking, but there was nothing she could do. Rachael’s explanation was clear...everybody was just fucking confused, and here she was...an outsider who was, according to Justin, his saving grace.  It sucked, and she wanted to run far away and never look back, but she knew Justin was waiting on her, and if she just left without saying anything he’d be devastated. 

She was stuck.

They took an elevator to the second floor of the mansion and Sheridan was pretty impressed with that.  It was strange, she didn’t think luxuries like this existed in the normal world, but she guessed Justin didn’t live in a normal world.  He had tons of money, that could buy him whatever he needed...

Well, except the use of his legs.

“It’s down here.”

Sheridan followed Rachael off the elevator and down another long hallway, until she heard the sound of a TV blaring behind a closed door.  Rachael knocked on it, and Sheridan knew it had to be Justin’s bedroom.

“Hey smart ass,” Rachael said, stealing a smirk her way.  “Are you decent?”

The sound of the TV lowered after a few moments.  “Yeah, but I smell.”

She rolled her eyes.  “I have no clue what attracts you to this man.”

Sheridan chuckled a little.  “He’s usually a lot more charming than that.”

“Seriously? You’ll have to point it out to me then...because  I’ve never bared witness to that once in my life.”  With that Rachael opened the door and marched inside the room.  “I’ve brought a gift.”

Sheridan watched as Justin craned his neck around his cousin, who eventually got the point and moved out of his line of vision.  He smiled a mile wide when he saw her, and Sheridan couldn’t hold hers back either.

“Hey!”  He held his arms out to her.

She ran to him, knowing how pathetic she must have seemed to Rachael just then, but not being able to help herself.  She needed him.  She had forgotten how badly she needed him to just...be there, and when she reached him, and he pulled her down into his embrace, the only thing she could do was bury her face in his shoulder, and let her emotions flow onto his tee shirt.

“Sher...”  She heard him say gently after awhile, as she felt his hand rubbing up and down her back.  “Sher, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she sobbed.  “I just...I just missed you I guess.”  She managed to compose herself enough to look up into his face.  She realized she hadn’t even given herself the chance to look him over.  He was scruffy again, obviously not having bothered to shave since the last time they were together, much to her dismay.  He was wearing glasses, something she wasn’t accustomed to, but figured he used them for reading.  He looked okay though, he had color in his face and a brilliance in his eyes that was unlike anything she’d seen before.  It was good.  It meant he was doing well, being taken care of, and that was really all she could have asked for. “Scruffy.”  She reached up and smiled as she toyed with the beard on his face. 

He chuckled a little bit and gently pulled her hand away, lacing his fingers through hers instead.  “I’m sorry.  Im sorry that...that I haven’t been around.”

She shook her head.  “I dont’ care about that now.”

“You care,” he nodded gently, looking up suddenly at Rachael, who was busy picking up some scattered junk lying on the floor.  “Hey Rach, can you give us a few?”

She turned back around, and Sheridan swallowed hard when she noticed her surveying them holding each other.  “Yeah...okay.”

She left quickly, the door thudding closed behind her, and Sheridan let out a breath that she felt like she’d been holding in since she walked into the house.

“The girls were okay to you right?” He asked automatically.

Sheridan didn’t look at him.  “It was fine.”

He frowned, obviously knowing that she wasn’t telling the truth.  “What happened?”

She shrugged.  “It’s nothing really.  I mean, Rachael is really nice and everything...”

“What’d Elisha say?”

She sighed.  “Can we just...not talk about it right now?”

He stroked his beard with his free hand, deep in thought for several moments before responding to her.  “I’ll just deal with her later.”  He kissed her on the side of the head and smiled.  “God, I missed you so much.”

He held her tighter and Sheridan reveled in the moment.  She was safe again, in his arms, and suddenly all the stress plaguing her about Justin’s friends started to magically melt away.  If she could have, she would have asked him to stay cooped up in his room with her all day.  But she was sure Justin didn’t want to do anything of the sort.  Still, she figured she could prolong their alone time by getting a little bit physical with him, so she looked up and pulled his face down towards hers so she could give him a long awaited kiss on the lips.

And it felt so good.

“Let me out!”

He banged on the wall.

Bam.

Still trapped.  

Bam.

Too much time had passed.

Bam Bam Bam

He was trapped inside what could only be described as a solitary hell.  Surely, he hadn’t done anything all that bad to deserve this kind of treatment?  He’d been trying.  He really had been.  It was just...well, he’d been desperate when he pulled that stunt.  He felt there was no other alternative, and that it couldn’t hurt to try.  Could they really blame him after everything he’d been going through?

Apparently, because he’d been thrown in here, and Simon didn’t seem to give a shit if he ever got out.  After all, it wasn’t his first trip to Isolation, and he’d been warned about the consequences of breaking the rules from the beginning.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz----Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

He wailed in agony and pressed his hands harshly over his ears, as he leaned his body against the glowing white wall with his eyes closed, trying desperately to drown out the sound.  He prayed for the guards to come, even though he hated them with every being in his body.  Being with them was a way out of this place, and that was all that mattered to Trace.  He needed some sanity, no matter how miniscule. Maybe Simon didn’t agree that he deserved any after what he’d done, but Simon would think he was a failure now no matter how hard he tried, so he’d given up trying to kiss ass.  It had been three Earth weeks since his escape attempt, and all he knew was that he was no closer to completing his goals than he had been at the beginning of the hellish stretch.

The buzzing suddenly subsided, but still he cringed, waiting for the jolt of electricity to surge through his body that he usually received whenever he put up a fight, but it never came.  Instead, the beautiful unlocking sound came, and Trace perked up as the gleaming wall slid aside.  Outside waited two guards dressed in flowing white robes, their faces blank as always, highly unamused by his banging.  Seconds later they yanked him out into the cool hallway.  He sobbed slightly, more thankful than ever to be out of the confines of Isolation even for a few seconds.  He dropped to his knees and took a few heavy, ragged breaths, trying to regain a little bit of strength before continuing on.

“Get up, Trace.”

“P-please don’t put me back in there...” he pleaded.  “Let me talk to Simon.  I’ll do anything...I-I’m sorry.  It’s so bad in there.  The buzzing is driving m-me out of my mind...”

He was yanked back to his feet by the guards, and gripped harshly by both arms.  He tried to walk, but found that his legs were like jelly, he hadn’t the strength to do it, so they dragged him down the hallway instead. He almost burst into tears, knowing he wasn’t being tossed back in that little white room just yet, and was thankful that they had his hands on him today.  Usually he struggled, spit in their faces, and shouted at them to let him go.  But he was so weak now...weaker than he’d ever been, and he knew why.  Simon told him this would start to happen once too much time had passed.  First it was the weakness, then...the emptiness.  Then the solitude...the solitude he wouldn’t be able to come back from.

He was desperate for a miracle.  For somebody to fucking understand that he was running out of time, and that he needed help, not sympathy.

But nobody back there understood, because they were too absorbed in their own crap to get it, and he felt he’d exhausted all the logical options.  There was nothing left to do now.  Talking to Justin was pointless.  The guy thought he’d gone crazy, and Trace knew that was what would have happened from the very beginning.  He tried to tell Simon that, but he didn’t wanted to hear it.

“Everybody can break through barriers like that,” he told him with a small smile.  “I see it happen all the time.  There’s nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise, Trace.  So get to work.”

He did remember the accident but he didn’t remember dying, or rather...the pain of it.  He only remembered how quiet it was as he floated up out of his body.  He was given a choice in the beginning, that he did remember.  He never saw a face, or a body, but he did hear a voice.  A voice telling him that things would be better if he let go, and so...he did, nearly regretting it, but knowing it was what he needed to do.  He saw Justin, saw the pain on his face when he realized that he wasn’t coming back, and he’d tried to call out to his friend, to tell him that he would be okay.  That he felt better now that he’d let go.

But Justin couldn’t hear him.

Nobody could.

He floated up and away into a serene and beautiful place full of swirling purple galaxies and shooting stars.  It reminded Trace of a really cool planetarium that he could play in forever.  He saw people in the distance too.  They were walking toward a welcoming entranceway, so he began to follow them out of sheer curiosity, wondering if this was what happened when you died.

When it came time for him to step through the passage, he was stopped immediately by two men in flowing white robes.  Their faces were aged by time, their long grey hair and beards surely marking their time in this place, and Trace automatically thought of one phrase he’d been taught so many times in his youth: “respect your elders”

“Trace?” One of them questioned, glancing at a list that floated in the air.

He was confused, so he sort of nodded.

“You’re not ready yet.”

“Ready?”

His question was never answered, because he’d been flushed away, or so it seemed.  He found himself spinning, whirling, and whooshing along a seemingly endless path.  It reminded him of somebody flushing him down a toilet, and he was scared.  More scared than he’d ever been, and the feeling didn’t go away when he suddenly slowed down, and was poured out into a crowded hallway with about fifty other perplexed looking people.  He could remember asking some guy that looked to be about his age where they were, but he seemed to be too scared to know what to say.

Then a loud sound had come from someplace up above, a screeching high pitched buzzing sound that forced Trace to press his palms against his ears and cry out for mercy.

It was a sound he would learn about much too soon, and come to dread above all else.

“Attention New Comers!” A female voice boomed once the buzzing had subsided.  Many people had fallen down to the floor in relief, but Trace only stood there, much too perplexed to consider moving.  He’d always been level headed in life though, never one to panic.  That was Justin’s issue, panicking, and Trace always figured it was why he made such a good assistant, because he could always hold himself together during tense situations.

This moment was no different.

“Welcome to the Ward!” The voice continued.  “Please do not be alarmed.  This is standard procedure for those of you who have not had the chance to place certain affairs in order.  You will be met by your Progress Mediators in just a few moments, and everything will be explained to you shortly afterward.  We hope you enjoy your stay at the Ward, and wish you the very best of luck at achieving your goals, so you can move on to the Next Step.”

The speech repeated several times before anything changed.  Some people were crying, others were huddled against the walls still, but Trace...Trace was laughing.  He got a kick out of how orderly death seemed to be.  It wasn’t at all like it was cracked up to be, with sunshine and babies laughing.  He thought about Justin, wishing he could have told him about it.  He knew they would have laughed their asses off and then popped open a beer...

It was only then that he began to feel sad.  That he began to miss his life, and the people in it.  He realized he didn’t have a chance to settle anything before he died.  To tell people he loved them, and...the baby...

He would never see the baby.

If Simon hadn’t come to retrieve him moments later, he probably would have wound up sobbing along with half the people surrounding him, but he was pulled out of there before he had the chance to lose it.  

“I’m Simon and I’ll be handling your case.”  He shook Trace’s hand very quickly as they walked through a passage ahead.  It was guarded by two more men in flowing robes, and with one smile and nod to them from Simon they were allowed to pass without an issue. Simon didn’t dress in white robes, but in a black business suit instead.  He carried a briefcase too, as a lawyer would. He was tall like Justin, had wavy blonde hair that curled more at the tips, a clear baby faced complexion, and glasses that almost made him look like a nerd, but not quite. He was very young too, from what Trace could tell.  Maybe even younger than he was, but it was obvious that he was well put together...knew what he was doing.  Trace thought it was a good thing. If the entertainment industry taught him anything, it was that you had to surround yourself with good, trustworthy people if you had any hope of being successful.  Trace considered himself lucky back then, because he trusted Simon.  

Now he felt like an idiot for putting so much faith in the guy.

“Sorry I’m late,” Simon continued.  “I had to see a client through to the Next Step this morning.”

Trace sort of nodded.  He hadn’t thought Simon had been very late at all.  “Trace,” he informed him.  “Trace...um...”

He realized then, that he no longer remembered his last name.

“It’s okay.  Everybody forgets things like that,” Simon reassured him, as they passed through another doorway that had the words ‘General Population’ looming above them in large glowing white letters.  “You won’t need to know your last name anymore.  All of that changes when you move on anyway.  Your first name will do for now.”

“But what if I want to know?” He questioned Simon as they began to walk faster.  “I mean, it’s kind of irritating.”

“With everything you’re going to have to do, remembering your last name won’t be a priority, trust me.”

Trace didn’t know it then, but Simon was absolutely right.

They took some sort of tram to their next destination.  Trace thought it would be during this trip that he’d be filled in about everything that was going on, but when he sat down on the plush, cushiony seat the tram lurched forward, reaching an unreasonably fast speed in the matter of a few seconds.  It caused his voice to become lodged in his throat as he gripped the arms of the seat, trying desperately to hang on.  They’d stopped again before he could manage to utter one word to his guide, the trip seemed to take just seconds, and a voice signaled that they’d reached their final destination from someplace above their heads.

“What was that thing?” Trace panted, as Simon helped him to get out of the tram and onto the street.

“The Speedotram.  If you take it in the opposite direction, you’ll reach our industrial park.  That’s where you’ll be spending part of your days,” he told him, as if it made complete sense.  “I’ll explain later.  Come on, we’re nearly there.”

Trace followed him in a daze, down a long sidewalk filled with buildings that people were milling in and out of.  It reminded him of Earth, but he figured that was the intent.  There was a park in the distance, a movie theater, some kind of food stand on a corner, a large, classy looking restaurant, and finally the building that Simon led him up to.  It was the largest building on the street, and it seemed all too inviting despite it’s very plain appearance.  It wasn’t labeled, but it reminded Trace of a hotel.  The doors opened for them automatically once they placed their feet on the stones steps, and Trace followed Simon into a contemporary looking hotel lobby.  Strangely shaped art and furniture littered all areas of the room, and the people milling around were dressed exactly the same, white tees and blue cotton hospital pants, with white slip on clogs to match.  Again, he was able to see perplexed looks on many of their faces.  Some looked tired, too tired to carry on, and then...some looked happy, like they’d just been awoken from a horrible dream.  Seeing their outfits reminded Trace to look at his own clothing, and he shuddered, realizing he was still wearing the hospital gown that he’d died in.  

“Where are we?” Trace whispered to Simon as he followed him up to a desk that was labeled ‘New Comers and Check Outs’, in large gold letters.

“This is where you’ll be staying when you aren’t working,” Simon informed him.  “Get as much rest as you can while you’re here, if you know what’s good for you.”

Trace swallowed hard, already not liking the situation.  He stared at the back of Simon’s head while he talked to another man in a flowing white robe that was working behind the desk.  Where was he and why had he been selected to come here rather than move on through that doorway in space?  Of course he missed his family and friends, but wasn’t that a given? Didn’t everybody feel that way when they died?

Simon turned back to him after several minutes of conversing with the man behind the counter.  Now he had a large envelope and a small white glowing box in place of the briefcase he’d been carrying.  “Come on,” he nodded at him, before turning quickly and walking in the opposite direction.

“What if I don’t want to?” Trace called back, still standing firmly in the same place Simon had left him before checking in at the desk.  “Maybe I don’t want to do this.”

Simon stopped abruptly in his tracks, and turned back around with a queer sort of smile on his face, as if he’d never faced resistance from a dead person before.  “Do you really want to know what happens to people that don’t cooperate? You just got here, Trace.”

Trace crossed his arms defiantly across his chest.  “How bad could it be?  I’m already dead.” He tried to keep the nervousness out of his voice, but failed miserably.

“Just come on,” Simon sighed.  “Once you get to your room, you’ll feel a lot better, and this will all make more sense.”

Trace didn’t know what exactly made him follow Simon that day, but looking back on it now, he really wondered if he would have been doing himself a favor by not cooperating.  He would have just vanished the next day...been a floater forever, but it must have been better than this...only existing so he could try to complete impossible goals.  He would have rather been alone from the beginning.  At least Justin would have been less confused, and he’d still have most of his sanity.

The room had been nice upon first glance.  Spacious and roomy, a commodity he’d grown accustomed to in his former life.  There was a large living room with a big screen TV mounted to the wall, which Simon told him could tune into any channel on Earth.  This pleased Trace because he hated to miss CSI Miami.  Even though, he knew he wouldn’t have the same passion for the show now that he was dead.  There was no kitchen, but Simon told him that all meals were served in the restaurant down the street and he would be sure to find something that he most liked to eat every night he was there.  The bedroom was the best though.  The bed was so comfortable, that when Trace merely sat on it, it seemed to almost will him to sleep.  He laid down on it soon after discovering it, a smile on his face, ready to forget about everything and sleep for eternity.

“Not so fast.”

He was yanked out of the bed, and he groaned when his body hit the floor.  “What the hell?”

“We need to talk first.”  Simon patted a chair that sat next to the large window at the other end of the bedroom.  Trace picked himself up from the floor and staggered over to it, taking a moment to peer out, and quickly realized that he wasn’t looking out into the bustling world he was currently in...but into Justin’s hospital room instead.  There he was, sulking by the window while his mother tried to comfort him, but he wouldn’t look at her.  Trace felt himself become choked up automatically, and tore his gaze from the scene in front of him so he could look to Simon for an explanation.

“It’s so you can know what’s going on, all the time,” Simon informed him, as he tore open the envelope in his hands and began to spread paperwork across the heavenly bed.  “We used to have a separate building for this sort of thing, but found people got more results when they were able to focus on their issues in privacy and comfort.  That remote there...” he trailed off and pointed to a remote on the nightstand.  “You can flip through and choose the different people in your life that you’d like to view.  It’s very useful, cuts down on wasted time.  You could say it puts your mind in the right direction, and I hope you get good use out of it.”

“Thanks...” he trailed off, knowing he didn’t really mean it.  ‘Now, would you mind telling me what the hell is going on?”

Simon chuckled a little bit, and picked up one of the papers on the bed. His eyes scanned it for several moments before he looked back at him again, his expression solemn, and Trace didn’t know what to make of it.  “It says here you were in a car accident.”

Trace nodded.  “Yeah.”  

“And that your friend...that one there, was driving the car,” Simon pointed at the window where Justin was still pictured.  “He’d had too much to drink.  You two shouldn’t have been driving anywhere that night, am I right?”

It came flooding back to him.  His fight with Elisha, how she’d begged him not to get in the car, how he had anyway, knowing that he and Justin were both drunk.  What had been running through his mind? He physically shuddered.  Not only did he ruin his own life, but most likely the lives of everybody involved in it.  He plopped down into the chair beside the window and took in a deep breath, feeling the bitterness and resentment he felt towards Justin filling him up inside.  He wondered why Justin hadn’t been smarter.  Surely, he must have known they could both be killed, driving through New York City drunk out of their minds?

And because of his best friend, he was dead.  Robbed and cheated from the life he barely had the chance to live at twenty-four years old.  “I...I didn’t remember...” he murmured.

“It’s okay, Trace,” Simon placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.  “That’s why the Ward was created, so people like you can fix things before moving on.  Things that need to be fixed anyway.”

Trace shook his head roughly.  “If this is about Justin, you can forget it.  I’m done helping him.”

“It doesn’t matter if I forget about it or not,” Simon responded and plopped a set of papers in Trace’s lap.  “These are your goals.  Whether you or I agree with them isn’t up for consideration.”

Trace frantically read the first paper, resenting the fact that he’d ever followed Simon’s direction in the first place.  The text was larger than life, seeming to leap right off the page, as if it was trying to push him around.  It stated the following:

WELCOME TO THE WARD TRACE,

THE FOLLOWING GOALS ARE TO BE MET IN A TIMELY FASHION, AS DESCRIBED IN YOUR CONTRACT.  FAILURE TO DO SO, WILL RESULT IN DISCIPLINARY ACTION.

GOAL #1: YOU MUST FIND A WAY TO FORGIVE YOUR FRIEND FOR HIS TRAGIC MISTAKE.  ONE THAT ALLOWS BOTH OF YOU TO MOVE ON.

GOAL #2: YOU MUST BRING FINAL CLOSURE TO YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH HIM.  ONE THAT WILL STOP HIM FROM TRYING TO CONTACT YOU FOR THE REST OF HIS TIME ON EARTH.

THESE ARE YOUR GOALS.  YOU ARE NOT, UNDER AND CIRCUMSTANCES, TO ADD, MODIFY, OR TAKE AWAY FROM THIS LIST.  WE ARE WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE.  FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN DISCIPLINARY ACTION.  PLEASE SEE YOUR PROGRESS MEDIATOR WITH ALL QUESTIONS/CONCERNS.

REMEMBER, FORGIVENESS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS THAT ONE HUMAN CAN GIVE TO ANOTHER.

REGARDS AND BEST OF LUCK,

THE CEO

He read the paper twice more before finding the strength to look back at Simon again.  He couldn’t believe what he was being asked to do.  How the hell could he begin to forgive Justin for being so damn irresponsible? What was more, he was dead...so how the hell could he just...go talk to him, and make everything okay?  “This is fucking...just...”  He threw the papers across the room and they fluttered to the floor.  “How the hell do you expect me to do this shit?”

“Look, I know it’s overwhelming,” Simon said gently.  “But it’s the only way, Trace.”

“I’m dead!” He hollered.  “Or did you not get that memo?”  He pushed himself up from the chair angrily.  “What the hell is this place?” He demanded.

“You’re in between right now,” Simon explained.  “You have unfinished business back on Earth.  Too much of it, and the CEO thought it best that you come to the Ward, so you have a chance to fix things for yourself.  I guess you can call this Limbo.  That’s what you people call it on Earth right? It’s been so long since I lived there...I just can’t remember the terminology anymore.”

Trace vaguely remembered learning about Limbo in middle school.  He had a cool English teacher that used to teach them some things off the beaten path.  He didn’t remember much of the lesson, all he knew was that ancient people believed it to be a place you went before you were judged after you died.  “I’m...I’m being judged?” He rasped.

Simon laughed out loud.  “Geez, no.  That was so a thousand years ago.  It’s not Limbo here, literally.  I was just trying to help you understand.  Sorry for the confusion.”

“Yeah.” Trace droned sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.  “Well...who’s this CEO then?”

“The leader of the universe,” Simon said expertly.

“Ri-ight.”  Trace plopped down into the chair again, and glanced out the window.  Somebody had put Justin in bed, and his face was pressed into his pillow.  Trace could tell his body was quivering, a sure sign that he was crying himself to sleep.  “Well, is the leader of the universe willing to accept the fact that I can’t change him?” He pointed out the window.  “He’s fucked up and he can’t walk, not to mention that he’s the most stubborn person on the face of the planet.  It’s better that I leave him alone, Simon.”

“He needs you.  He needs your forgiveness.”  

Trace looked back at Justin, the resentment still flaring wildly inside of him, and for the first time he felt real tears spilling out of his eyes.  “I don’t care what he needs.  It’s not my problem anymore.”

“I know this is hard.”  

The next time Trace was able to look up, Simon was crouched before him, handing him one of the papers that had been flung across the room.  “You don’t know,” Trace whispered.  “You aren’t me.  You didn’t live my life.  I...I have a baby on the way, or at least I did.  Now I’m here...”  He trailed off and rubbed the tears out of his eyes.  “And you and some deranged universe person are telling me the only way I can move past what happened, is to go try to talk to that wreck in the hospital bed?  Well, fuck you, I’m not doing it.”

“You should rest and have a nice dinner,” Simon said, as he handed him a pen to go with the form that he’d placed in Trace’s lap.  “I promise, once you do, you’re going to feel more motivated to do this.  Trust me, this is my job.  I deal with people like you all the time.  Now just sign this, and we can move on to the next thing.”

Trace finally looked down at the form in his lap after several moments, realizing it was the contract that was mentioned in the previous letter.  It was long, full of fine print, and he knew he didn’t have the energy to read it all.  

“All it’s saying is that you agree to complete your goals to the best of your ability,” Simon provided.  “We start you off with one Earth month to get them done, and then...if things don’t go as planned, we reevaluate and try again.  Most people that fail only need that one reevaluation to fix the problem, so don’t let that intimidate you.”

“What happens if I can’t complete the goals?” He asked softly.

“That’s why I’m here.  My job is to make sure you do it, and that you move on to the Next Step.  I have a 99 percent success rate, top of my department six years in a row, so I don’t want to hear you talk like that anymore.”

“You’re not answering my question though,” Trace persisted, never being one to back down when he wanted a straight answer from somebody.  “What happens if, for some reason, I fall into that one percent category?”

Simon scratched the back of his head and sighed.  “You really want to know?”

“Yeah,” Trace told him seriously.  “I do.”

“You’re forced to stay on Earth, forever,” Simon muttered.  “You don’t get a second chance at this.”

Trace only shrugged.  “Well that’s not so bad right?  I’d get to be with my family again.”

“No.”  Simon shook his head.  “You’ll become what we call a floater.  Always wherever you want to be, but nobody will be able to see you, and you won’t be able to contact them either.  You’ll just sort of be...like vapor, like you never even existed.”

His expression had fallen.  “Oh.”

“Let’s not discuss it,” Simon persisted.  “I hate talking about that idea.  Just sign the contract, Trace.”

He often wondered what would have happened if he didn’t sign.  Would he have been given another option, perhaps a meeting with the CEO? He didn’t have the answer, because he didn’t give himself enough time to think out his options.  He just signed the contract, signed away his soul, because he felt that Simon would protect him from harm...that he would help him through his trials with Justin.  

But he quickly learned that Simon was never really there to help.  Just to criticize, shout in his face like some deranged drill sergeant whenever he pissed him off.

Once the contract was signed, Simon opened up the small white box that he’d been holding, and pulled out a thick clear plastic bracelet.  “Wrist out, please.”

Trace did it without a question.  He’d been so damn naive in the beginning.

The bracelet glowed a brilliant white once it locked onto his wrist, and Trace noticed that his first name was imprinted on it, along with a number.  There was a little red light that blinked on and off on the side of it too, like some kind of alarm waiting to be set off. “What’s this?” He asked, as he tugged at the bracelet a little bit. It didn’t budge.  It was almost like it had become a part of him upon touching his skin, but it didn’t hurt him.  Actually, he couldn’t even feel it most of the time.

Unless he was being bad.

“Security precaution.  It comes off when you leave,” Simon reassured him.  “When you go to earth for your goals it won’t show, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“Security?” he scoffed. “Why would you need security here?”

“It keeps people from...” he trailed off nervously, as if he knew he was starting to tell Trace too much.  “Just pay attention to the rules, and you’ll be fine.  There aren’t that many of them, and I can tell that you’re not a trouble maker.  If you have an issue, just come to me.  Don’t take things into your own hands.  That’s how trouble starts.”

He knew Simon was trying to explain all of it in a way that he could understand, but the truth was, he was growing more confused by the second.  “Trouble?”  

Simon only sighed, and flashed him a light smile.  “Just rest.”  He gathered the papers and folded them neatly in his hands.  “When you wake up, it should be dinner time.  I hear they have some venison on the menu tonight.  You like that right?”

Trace didn’t know how the guy knew what his favorite food was, but figured it was better not to ask him anymore questions.  “I used to go deer hunting,” he admitted softly.  “I’d cook what I killed.”

“Ah well, then you’ll love it.  I’m sure it’ll taste even better than before.  Be at my office tomorrow morning around nine.  I have to train you how to use the portal.  If you need anything else tonight, just press that button by the door and someone will assist you.  Oh, and if you want a change of clothes try the closet.”  

With a wink, Simon walked out of the room, letting the door close gently behind him.

At first Trace didn’t know what to do with himself, but he thought the idea of being able to rest was insane.  He explored the closet for something to wear other than a hospital gown, and found it filled with white tee shirts, blue cotton pants, and pairs of white slip on clogs.  It was boring attire.  He wanted jeans and his favorite polo shirt instead, but figured it didn’t really matter what he wore in this place. Nobody had the time to notice, or care.   After he changed, he watched Justin cry for a while, and then, when that didn’t do anything but depress him even more, he decided to watch the TV that Simon told him about.  At first he enjoyed it, but then he started to remember things about his life on Earth.  He began to think about his Elisha, and how he loved to fall asleep on the couch watching TV with her.  He tried to remember the way she smelled, the way her lips would taste when they kissed, what their last conversation had been about before the night of the accident.  It seemed too difficult though.  It was as if he could remember every thing about Justin, but almost nothing about Elisha, besides that he’d loved to watch TV with her and that she was carrying his child.  Part of him wondered if he only remembered his baby because he never had the chance to tell Justin about it.

The idea disgusted him, so he threw the remote at the television and staggered back into the bedroom, falling onto the bed with a pitiful sob, before the sheets, pillows, and comforter seemed to lull him off to sleep all on their own.

He felt like he’d been asleep for centuries when his eyes fluttered open again, but when he looked at the clock on the nightstand, it was only several hours later.  It was a strange sort of magic he guessed, because he couldn’t remember a time when he felt so good. He got out of bed without feeling any sort of fatigue, and when he took a shower, it felt like the best thing he’d done for himself in years.  He even smiled once he got out and dressed himself again.  Then the hunger took over him, like a heavy force, and he knew he needed to eat something before his good mood faded away again.  He didn’t look down at Justin through the window before he left the security of his room, for fear that it would put him in a dark mood again, and walked out without looking back.  

The staff stationed down in the lobby greeted him with a warm smile and a ‘good evening, Trace’ as if they’d known him for years and he was a vital part of their family.

It gave him a sense of hope, like he could achieve the goals he’d been given as if it were so simple.  Looking back now, he figured that was the point of everything these people did.  They wanted him to focus, to want to move on, and well...he couldn’t blame them.  Nobody could stay at the Ward forever.  There just wasn’t enough room, as he would find out.

He walked out of the hotel and down the block.  The food cart was closed, as night had fallen.  He found that it was clearest night he’d ever seen.  When he looked up into the sky, it almost took his breath away.  He could still see those swirling purple galaxies and the shooting stars that he’d seen in the beginning.  Of course, they were much farther away now, reserved for those who were ready...not for those at the Ward to visit.

He longed to go back there.  It seemed to call to him, to beckon him, but he had no way of getting there.  The only way was to complete his goals, so it seemed then, and at that point he had no clue how he was supposed to do it.

The only option for food seemed to be the fancy restaurant he passed earlier in the day, and upon seeing the droves of people filing into the place, he figured he was just in time for dinner.  He made his way towards it warily, his stomach growling with hunger.  Weakness, he felt it for the first time since he woke up.  It scared him, and when he walked into the restaurant, his mouth began to water at the tantalizing aromas that filled his nostrils.  He felt like running a waiter down and savagely demanding food, but figured he needed to control himself.  None of the other people consuming their food appeared to be wild like that, and he didn’t want to be put on the shit list his first evening out on the town.

“Table, sir?”  A man in a long flowing white robe approached him, his smile kind and welcoming.

“Uh, yeah, sure.”
No sooner had he said the words, did a table appear several feet away from him, and Trace nearly did a double take.  “Wow.”

“Have a seat.  The menu is rather large, so take your time.  A simple raise of your hand will be sufficient when you’re ready to place your order.”

With a small nod, Trace sat down and began to survey the menu.  The man was right.  The menu wasn’t just huge, it was more like a novel, separated by cuisine and country.  He thought of Justin again in that moment, who had always been somewhat of a food guru, and Trace knew he would have liked the place.  It seemed so private, so quiet, so peaceful.  That was how Justin liked things, since most of his life was immersed in chaos.   

Trace dropped the menu and shook his head.  The last person he wanted to think of then was Justin, but it was like some unknown force was pushing him to do it.

“First night here?”

A sweet, calming voice broke him out of his dark thoughts for the moment.  When he looked in the direction it had come from, he found a pretty brunette girl seated at the table just feet away from his own.  She was young, probably around his age, with wavy shoulder length hair, light rosy cheeks, and a small button like nose.  Her hazel eyes seemed to hold the world in them, and Trace got the feeling that if he asked her something, she would have the answer for him.  “Yeah,” he sighed tiredly.  “Yours too?”

“No, it’s my third, but I feel like I’ve been here for years.  Do you know it’s been an entire Earth week since I first got here? Crazy right?”  She smiled when she should have frowned.  She was making the best of things.

His kind of woman.

Trace didn’t quite understand the concept of time at the Ward then, but now, he really wished he paid more attention.  It might have helped him, pushed him a long a little bit more.  “A week? How?”

The girl simply shrugged her small shoulders.  “I’m not sure.  I tried asking my Mediator about it, but he didn’t really want to explain things.  He just told me to rest and have a nice dinner.”

Trace chuckled.  “Sounds like Simon.”

“You have Simon too?” The girl seemed to light up at the prospect.  “He’s seems nice, I guess.  He says he has a 99 percent...”

“Yeah, I know.  Best in his department,” Trace interrupted her.  He really didn’t wanted to talk about Simon.  

“Sorry,” she winced slightly.  

“It’s okay, don’t be sorry.” Trace told her quickly, feeling bad about his attitude.  “I’m just...starving.”

“Oh, so was I the first night.  I almost attacked the waiter,” she laughed.

He eyed the empty seat across from her.  “Want company?”

She seemed delighted.  “Yeah, that would be great.”

Her name was Amy, and just like him, she couldn’t remember her last name either.  She was from Georgia and her life had come to a sudden end during a horrific hunting accident with her father.  They talked about hunting a lot...hunting and horses, which were his favorite things to indulge in when he wasn’t working with Justin.  It was nice to find somebody he could relate to here.  Everybody else was so cold, so focused...just wanting to move on, and he couldn’t blame them.  He started to meet her at the restaurant every night for dinner.  It comforted him, especially on the worst days.  The days when Justin was being impossible, and Trace had no other alternative but to leave in frustration. As they grew closer, they even talked about moving on to the Next Step together.  Amy thought it was a neat idea to have somebody she trusted by her side when all of that happened.  As time grew on, they both heard rumors that you were able to pick a partner to travel with if you met someone while staying at the Ward, and once...during a meeting with Simon Trace brought up the subject.  Of course Simon was frustrated, so he shot Trace a sarcastic smile and said ‘well, you’d be able to see if that was true or not if you got your act together, wouldn’t you?’

Sometimes, Trace hated Simon.  

The only problem with Amy was, her goals hadn’t been all that complicated, and now that so much time passed, she was on the tail end of her second goal.  She probably would have been done with it sooner, but she let the time for her second goal elapse the first time around, causing her to go into reevaluation, making some stupid excuse to Simon that she hit a dead end and needed more time.

Naturally, Amy was granted more time, because it was her first offense, but Simon had been adamant with her that it was her only chance to move on with good marks on her record.  Simon knew she failed because of her feelings for Trace, and it angered him.  She was told that nothing was more important than her own future, and to sacrifice it for ‘those who didn’t want to put forth the effort’ was an idiotic move.  Trace made her promise never to do it again.   After all, it wasn’t her fault that everything about his life was complicated.  It wasn’t her fault that Justin was a stubborn idiot at times.

“If I don’t make it, you have to go, Amy.  You have to get out of here,” he told her.
 
She cried.  They spent the night together in his room, and it was the first time he realized how distant of a memory Elisha had become.  He just...couldn’t love her anymore, because he was dead and she was alive.  That was the way things had to be, and so...he forced the last of his feelings for her out of his system.    Only the feelings he had for Justin remained now, and funnily enough those were the feelings he would have gladly given away in the very beginning.  But the CEO was too smart to let him.  

“You’re my best friend,” she told him after dinner a few nights later, as they walked back to the hotel.  “I don’t want to move on if it means I can’t be with you, Trace.”

He stopped walking and pulled her close to him.  “I have a plan,” he whispered to her softly as he stroked her hair.  “I’m not going to let you down.”

She pulled back from him, her eyes watery, but didn’t let herself cry.  Instead, she pulled his face towards hers, and kissed him powerfully.  Trace felt their connection, the electricity was flowing through his body like he’d come back from the dead.  He was committed to her now, and he would succeed.  He would escape and be with her.

It was his only way out, unless he completed the goals, which was turning out to be an unlikely possibility.

He took the Speedotram to Simon’s office the morning of the second day, so he could learn how to transport himself back to Earth.  There was a special section set aside for the trips he would make, on the very top floor of the classy looking office building that Simon worked in.  There was a long hallway there, with swirling holographic masses built into the walls.  Glints of silver, gold and blue floated throughout the swirling masses and Trace found that his bracelet seemed to glow brighter when he approached one.

“All you have to do is think of the place you want to go, and it will take you there.  You will only appear to those you wish to see you.” Simon told him.  “Whatever clothing you’d like to wear is at your disposal as well. Just picture yourself in the clothing, and that’s what you’ll be wearing once you’re through to the other side.  Some people find it easier to do this, if they’re dressed as they would have been in their former lives.  There’s also playing cards, cigarettes, and other props available in that closet over there.” He pointed to a door at the end of the hallway.  “I wasn’t sure if you were a smoker.”

Trace nodded.  “Even if I wasn’t, I think I’d need a cigarette for this.”

Simon laughed and handed him a pack of cigarettes along with a lighter.   “I’ll leave you to it.”

And it really was that simple.  

His first visit with Justin hadn’t been as tough as he thought.  Justin had been in his wheelchair, pushed up to a table in the middle of some kind of activity center at the hospital, looking seriously unlike the guy he knew.  He was so pale, almost sickly.  Trace immediately thought of Justin’s welfare, rather than the resentment that lingered inside of him.  Was he eating, hell, was he even talking to anybody?

“Justin, it’s okay.” Had been the first thing he said to him.  “I’m right here.”

It seemed to take forever, but Justin finally looked up and into his face.  For a few moments, his expression was filled with shock and disbelief...but then...it warmed.  It was like, he awoke Justin from a nightmare simply because he’d shown himself.  

“You came back,” Justin croaked, the tears running in heavy trails down his pale face.

Trace only nodded a little.  He would have liked to tell Justin the truth from the start, but a strong part of him was advising against it.  He didn’t know how stable Justin was then, if he could even understand what happened...why he was back.  “Yeah, and you need to snap the fuck out of this...whatever it is you’re doing to yourself.”  He shook his head and lit up a much needed cigarette.  “It’s not worth it.”

Justin smiled, and from then on, whenever Trace would come to see him, he wasn’t as pale, wasn’t as sickly.  Simon was right, Justin did need him, and Trace felt a strange feeling come over him.  As if, he should have forgiven him that sixth or seventh visit in.  But then he would see somebody, like Lynn, or Elisha, and the waves of resentment would always return.  He was still bitter, and he couldn’t just forgive Justin.  It was too hard. It was much more fun to see just how confused he could make his friend, how crazy he could drive him.  In a way, Trace felt it was payback for all the times that Justin had driven him crazy in life.

It wasn’t getting him very far.

He began plotting his escape from the first time he realized there may have been a loophole in this world.  One day he returned from the Portal, frustrated and tired due to another one of Justin’s pathetic gripes about unfair his life was.  He thought he turned down the usual hallway that lead to the exit, but a few moments later realized he didn’t recognize where he was.  There was music playing, soft and welcoming.  Trace followed the sound until he saw the line of people moving down towards an open passage way.  There were guards everywhere, and his bracelet began to tingle against his skin in a way it never had before.  He immediately knew he was in a place he didn’t belong and ducked behind a large pillar before he could be discovered, continuing to observe what was going on.  Peering into the distance, he recognized the large swirling purple galaxy from the world he wasn’t allowed to be a part of.  He felt that longing again, the one that told him it was where he needed to be.

It was the entrance to the other side.

He almost cried.

These people had conquered their goals.  They were moving through to the Next Step, their bracelets falling off as they passed through the gaping passage, each of them being inspected carefully for proper credentials before they were finally allowed to pass.  Trace realized that sometimes the bracelets would stick, and the guard would have to use a small silver key to remove it by hand.

He needed a key like that.  He knew if he tried to make a run for that door with the bracelet on, something devastating would probably happen to him, and he couldn’t risk it.  He’d find a way though.  He promised himself, because he was smart and resourceful. Finally, he knew there was another way out of the Ward, a way around Simon and what the CEO wanted from him. He just needed time, and somebody he could trust to help him get what he needed to escape.

He didn’t realize an Earth month had passed until he tried going through the Portal one morning and was denied access.  It was the first time he ever felt his bracelet grow red hot.  The first time that horrific, painful shock shot through him, and he had fallen to his knees as he felt the energy being sucked out of his body.  Then the men came for him, their robes white and flowing, hauling him to his feet and back down to Simon’s office.  He was sitting there like always, his feet propped up on the desk like he didn’t have a care in the world.

Trace was dropped onto the floor like some kind of animal.

“So when were you going to decide to tell me that you weren’t making any progress?” Simon snapped at him.  “We’ve had two meetings, Trace.  You told me everything was working out, and I thought...I thought I could trust you to get the job done on your own.”

It was the first time Simon had ever sounded so cold towards him.

“I...I just...”

“You gave up,” Simon informed him.  “You’re too concerned about what you want, not what you’re supposed to be focusing on.”

Without another word, Simon pointed to a wall behind him with a small remote control and a screen immediately appeared.  Trace cringed at what he saw.  He took a side trip to visit Elisha what seemed like forever ago, with no intention to use the encounter for Justin’s benefit.  He still held some kind of love inside of him for her then, and he was worried about his baby.  He got into bed with her as she slept, not being able to help himself after he watched her cry for hours before finally passing out.  He touched her, rubbed her shoulders and kissed her cheek.  She stirred, moaned his name exhaustedly in her sleep but never woke up.  It gave him some kind of reassurance then, but he learned all too quickly how big of a mistake it was.  It didn’t help him to feel better, seeing her.  If anything, it made him feel more empty inside, because she didn’t know he was there.  Showing himself to her was pointless, because he knew how Elisha was, how she tended to freak out over the dumbest shit, and figured he’d only scare the crap out of her if he tried to talk to her.

He promised himself that he wouldn’t visit her again if he could help it.

“That’s...that’s not true...”  He tried to get up from the floor, but found he needed all of his energy to continue breathing at a normal pace.  He noticed the bracelet on his wrist was glowing an even brighter white now, and something told him it was made to control him, his energy, and to keep an eye on what he did and where he went.  

He’d already known getting it off was his ticket out of there, and resented Simon for keeping that from him. He wondered if Simon had one of the little silver keys hidden in his office someplace, and if so...was there a time that he could sneak in, unnoticed, and have a look around?   He figured that must have been the first step, getting Simon out and away from his office for a little while, but he was sure that was easier said than done, especially with the guards watching all the time.

The Ward was starting to seem more and more like a prison.  Simon was captain of the guard and the CEO was the warden that nobody ever saw in person.

“It is true.” Simon countered.  “You need to focus, Trace.  Do you think I want you going down as a bad number in my book?”

Trace glared at him.  “That’s what matters to you? Some fucking number?”

Simon only rolled his eyes.  “It’s my job, Trace.  If you ever move on, and fall into a position like mine, you’ll understand.”  He removed his feet from the top of the desk and got up from his chair.  Then he stalked over to where Trace had been dumped on the floor, tugging his bracelet wrist towards him, and moved his fingers along the top of it in some kind of methodical way, like he was entering a code that Trace couldn’t see with his own eyes. Then Simon released him, and soon, the weakness that had taken him over faded away. He began to feel normal again, and the urge to eat a big meal quickly hit him hard, like it had his arrival day.

“What happened to me?” Trace managed to ask.

“That’s what happens when you break the rules, Trace.  Fortunately for you, this is your first offense, so I’ll let you slide.  Don’t make me have to deal with you this way again.  You have another Earth month to fix this, so get with the program.”

He protested in anger, telling Simon just why it was that things weren’t working.  That not everyone could solve their problems simply because somebody had deemed it possible on a piece of paper.  But his words seemed to fall on deaf ears. Simon was angry, too angry to bother listening.

“Isolation.  Three days,” Simon boomed, before Trace could get another word in.

The men grabbed Trace by the arms before he could get back on his feet himself. He thrashed wildly against their grip, his dislike for Simon growing hot like fire in the pit of his stomach.  “What are you doing!” He screamed back at Simon.  “Where are you sending me!”

“Get with the program, Trace.”  Was the only thing Simon said, before Trace was dragged out of the office and back down the hallway.  He tried desperately to break free of the men’s grasp during that time, but it seemed impossible.  Their hands gripped him like vices, there was no escape.  His heart began to pound wildly in his chest then, the thought of where he was being taken and what would happen when he got there almost too much to bear with everything else he had going on.  He thought of Amy.  He’d promised to meet her that night. They were going to a movie.  What would she think when he didn’t show up? He realized he had no way to tell her what happened, or where’d he’d been taken.  A feeling of intense longing for her filled him up inside.

It was the first time it dawned on him that he’d fallen in love with her.

He was forced into an elevator with the guards.  It seemed to take forever for the thing to stop and open again, and when it did, he was pushed out into an empty, doorless hallway that gleamed a strange, bright white, like his bracelet did.  It seemed like a barren wasteland and for a few moments Trace thought they were just going to leave him there in the middle of the floor with no explanation.  That was when the banging started.  It sounded like it was coming from inside the walls but he hadn’t been sure, until he heard the pathetic cries of somebody trapped inside, begging to be let out.  It was as if the person could sense their presence.

And then he knew what was about to happen to him.

“Look, please...let me talk to Simon again,” he pleaded, as he skidded his feet along the slick glass like floor, desperately trying to prevent them from bringing him to his final destination as they dragged him further down the hall.  “I can explain everything!”

They didn’t say a word, just stopped him in front of a random spot on the wall.  One of the guards waved a hand in front of it, and a small device that looked like a blood pressure cuff popped out of the wall.  Trace was shoved forward, and he only stared at the thing.  “What is it?”

“Put your bracelet wrist in,” he was ordered.

“Screw you,” he grunted at them.

One of the men pulled a small metal rod out of his robes then, and stuck him in the side with it.  His bracelet grew hot as fire, lit up like the sun, and then he heard it.  That disgusting, horrible sound.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“No!”  He clutched at his ears.  “Please! Please turn it off!”

The sound subsided a moment later.

“Put your bracelet wrist in,” he was ordered again.

This time he did it, his eyes watery, his head feeling like it was about to split in half.  The portion of the wall lit up the moment he put his wrist in, and the cuff had locked around his bracelet.  A voice came from someplace up above.  It was a woman’s voice.  The same one he heard the day he’d been flushed into the Ward.  “Trace...case number 50743...three days without contact or meals.”

The cuff was released, the wall began to glow an even brighter white, and it slide apart before his eyes.  He was pushed through the opening by the guards, and when he turned around to plead with them some more, he was answered by the wall sealing shut behind him.  “No!” He screamed pointlessly and pounded on the newly sealed portion of wall.  “No! Open it! Let me out!”

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It lasted longer this time, so long that he thought his brains might spill out of his ears as he gripped them tightly and slid down to the floor.  He begged to make it stop, for somebody to help him.  And then it did stop.  He cowered in the corner of the brilliant white room, his head in his hands, traumatized by what had just taken place.  It was only when he heard laughter that he’d been able to perk up, and when his vision finally cleared, that was when he realized the purpose of the place.

It was like the Portal, only slightly different.  There was no swirling sea of colors this time, only an open space at the other end of the room.  He realized he was looking directly into Justin’s life again, and there was no way to stop it.  This place was forcing him to pay attention, to either go handle business or stay alone in the little locked room.  Trace would have rather done anything but sit alone in that place, so he followed the laughter, walked through the space in the wall, and found himself in Justin’s life again.  He stood in the center of the room, invisible for the moment, and watched Justin as he sat on the couch with that girl named Sheridan. Even though it had been weeks, he still couldn’t understand why Justin was so taken by her.  In the past he knew Justin wouldn’t have given Sheridan Williams a second glance, but now it was as if she was his saving grace.  The only person that could make him smile and stay sane enough to function.  They were arguing over the remote playfully as the channels changed.  Justin finally managed to snatch the remote from her, and ended their struggle by pulling her down towards him and holding her.  Trace wanted to gag himself, resenting the fact that Justin was having such a happy moment while he was being made to suffer.

Of course, he didn’t dislike her as much as he had in the beginning, not completely.  In the beginning he deemed her has a distraction, and when Justin wouldn’t take his advice and dump her, he decided to fuck with her instead.  Have his voice come over the radio while she was driving, pretend to be Elisha over the internet, say nasty things so she’d get the hint...maybe go away.  But she didn’t, so he took the next step.  He went to spy on her at a nightclub one night that she went out with a friend, figuring he could scare her into leaving Justin if he made his presence known to her.  For the first time, he decided to show himself to somebody other than his best friend.  He was curious about the girl and figured he could play it safe by coming off as somebody else, as he was almost positive she had no clue what he looked like.  She seemed put off by him at first, when he’d introduced himself as Juan.  But soon, he persuaded her to dance with him, and she seemed to take a liking to him after that first song.

And as much as he hated it, he seemed to take a liking to her too.  He saw her go off on her own the day after they’d met, so he followed her.  She seemed delighted to see him again, so he took it upon himself to take her to the beach.  He was able to conjure up a car to drive somehow, just by asking, and he figured Isolation must have run by different guidelines.  It seemed to allow whoever had been cast away to do whatever they felt they needed to do, and that was fine with him.  It made his time there just a little bit easier.

They sat in the sand and talked for a while.  Trace discovered that Sheridan was a kind, bright, funny girl who seemed to care a lot about people, and about Justin most of all.  She liked being his friend too, and he was able to talk to her, to give her advice, and it made him feel good.    He decided to ease up after that, accept Sheridan more because she seemed to make Justin a little happier.  And if Justin was happier, it made his job that much easier.  Still, he didn’t really know if Justin should have been dating anybody.  He was concerned he would hurt her, or something would happen and Sheridan would think he was crazy.   Then he thought about it some more, and realized that maybe...maybe Sheridan could help him figure all this shit out.  Show him the way to complete his goals and move on.

It was a long shot, but it was something he decided to keep in the back of his mind a last resort.

Then their conversation had grown awkwardly quiet.  Like when they’d danced to the semi slow song in the club, and he pulled her close to him.  She seemed to melt into the moment after a while, liking how his hands felt on her body, and hadn’t pushed him away.  This time was no different.  She was looking into his eyes, and smiling at him.  Practically willing him into her comfort.  Trace had been so fucked up because of Isolation and the buzzing and the pain, that he’d almost needed Sheridan more than Justin did that day.  He found himself gently pushing her down into the sand and crawling on top of her.  She didn’t seem to view him any differently.  It was like, he wasn’t dead to her at all.  He was normal.  He had a life, and he forgot himself.

Trace kissed her.  Then it escalated.  Then they’d made out right there on the beach.

It was a strange feeling.  He felt numb.  He couldn’t feel the warmth of her lips or her body on his.  He only felt coldness, emptiness, and he wondered how she felt when she touched him.  He stopped kissing her then, and she’d gotten uneasy, told him she couldn’t kiss him because...well she didn’t need to say it.  She loved Justin.

He felt lost and bitter inside.  

He didn’t think he would never have that again.

It occurred to him that Justin would be fine as long as Sheridan stuck around, whether he decided to forgive him or not.  Really, he was wasting his time, and that was when the pool scenario had occurred to him.  It was risky, but he figured if Justin saw him in a serene setting, playing golf with an imaginary Halle Berry serving beers, it would have been enough for the CEO to let him move on.  So he did it.  Justin had nearly drowned of course, pissed his doctor off and all of that, but it had worked to Trace’s benefit in a way.  They’d said goodbye, Trace hadn’t said anything about forgiveness but he’d condoned Sheridan’s presence in Justin’s life and figured that was good enough for Simon.

It wasn’t of course.

He was released from Isolation after that, practically ignored the lecture he received from Simon about how what he’d done couldn’t be considered anything close to a completed goal, and took some extra time for himself once he got back to the hotel.  Amy had been waiting for him that first day, and cried into his chest because she’d been so worried.  It picked him up a bit, helped him to regain some of the energy he lost from not being fed, and being all alone.  

He stopped going to his Portal for the most part after that.  He decided to let Justin have a run on his own for a while, figuring he could handle it.  He made one or two trips back, because he had an overwhelming desire to talk to Sheridan a little bit more, but it didn’t last long, and soon he wasn’t going to his Portal at all. When Simon didn’t summon him for a while, Trace figured he was getting away with it.  He spent more time with Amy, let her see the side of him that wasn’t so tense, and she seemed to become even closer to him because of this.  He told her his plan to get a key, and even though she smiled like she thought it was a good idea, Trace knew she felt differently.

“It’s the only logical way to get out of this place,” he persisted.  “Come on Amy, it’s so simple that it’s ridiculous.”  

“But Trace,” she said softly.  “I really think you might...need this closure from Justin.  Maybe the CEO has his or her reasons.  Maybe you should keep trying before you do something drastic.”

“No,” he said automatically.  “I did the best I could.”

“I think you’re selling yourself short. I think you could be a lot happier than you are if you let yourself focus on your goals.”

He glared at her.  “I thought you were on my side.”

“I am.”  She grasped his hand tightly in hers.  “I’m just saying...you’re taking a risk.  You don’t know what Simon is capable of.  You already had to go into Isolation for three days, and if he finds out you’ve been ditching Portal...”

“I don’t care what that scrawny little fucker thinks anymore,” he snapped at her and yanked his hand out of hers.  “Nothing I do is good enough to please him, so I’m done.”

“You’re still so bitter, Trace,” Amy pointed out to him.  “You don’t realize it sometimes, but I know you are.  You can’t blame Justin forever.”

“And you’re so damn perfect?”  Trace got up from the sofa they’d been sitting on together and began to pace the room.  “Your own father shot you in the woods because he wasn’t paying enough attention.  You can’t tell me that you completely forgive him for it.”

She was silent.  

It was a low blow and he had a nerve saying something like that to her.  After all, it was the truth but she’d fixed her situation for the most part.  The goals to reconnect her parents and forgive her father for what happened were working out well for her.  She had an easy time seeking forgiveness, moving on from what happened to her, when he wasn’t distracting her anyway.  Trace knew it was because she’d been a forgiving person in life.  She wasn’t all about business like he’d been.  Her life hadn’t been a twenty four hour media circus, filled with scheduling conflicts, and a stubborn, sometimes arrogant employer / best friend.  She’d been a college student, studying to become a vet.  She minored in theater, did small shows on the weeks she had off from school.  It was a laid back lifestyle, and because of this, reaching her goals was easier for her.  Trace wished he could have told her that too, but knew she wouldn’t have understood.

“I have to use the Portal before Simon gets suspicious.”  She rose from the sofa and slipped her clogs on.  “He’s watching both of us closely, you’re crazy if you think he’s not.  Maybe...it’s best if we don’t see each other for a while.  You need to focus, Trace.  You need to start moving past what happened to you.”

“Amy don’t be like that.” He started toward her, as if she would stop.  She was his lifeline...his only friend, and he was about to lose her because of his pigheadedness.  “I didn’t mean it.  You know that.  I...I love you.”

She stared at him, her expression cold, and uninviting.  “I have to go.”

He took another step toward her, but she left his room without another word.

Then he was alone again.  Completely alone.  He tried looking for Amy at dinner over the next few days, but she never showed.  Part of him began to worry, but he knew she was simply avoiding him.  He didn’t blame her.  He acted like an asshole and he didn’t deserve her sympathy anymore.  Still, he felt like a piece of crap, and to make matters worse, he wasn’t any closer to getting a key, or to completing his goals.  He knew it was only a matter of time before Simon looked into his case again, and he didn’t want to be in that situation.  He didn’t want to give Simon a chance to throw him back into Isolation.

He knew he had to act.

First, he decided to make a safety trip to his Portal.  It had been awhile, and because he’d spied on a conversation Justin held with his doctor through the bedroom window, he knew that it was the perfect time for him to show up.  Justin was about to be faced with the parallel bars again, something he struggled with since the time he’d first become paralyzed, and it was imperative that he was successful this time.  

The welfare of the baby depended on it.

Justin took his first step because of him.  Trace had to channel nearly all of his energy to make it so, but with good reason.  Justin needed to go see Elisha, the girl he’d forced himself to stop loving...to forget about. He had no choice but to be concerned about her now though, to focus on her a little bit.  It wasn’t so much for her though as it was for the baby. The baby he was desperate to protect and take care of in the only way he could, which was through Justin.  He begged Justin to do something after Elisha had told him about the pregnancy, to help her, to take care of his child for him.

And Justin promised him that he would do it, no matter what.  He would leave the ranch, leave Sheridan’s side and do it because it was what Trace wanted.

Deep inside, he knew it would ultimately hold Justin back, but he didn’t feel bad about it.  He felt like Justin deserved it, that he should take care of the baby with Elisha to make up for what he’d done.

He didn’t want to forgive Justin.  He figured entrusting him with the baby’s care was enough to show that he at least trusted Justin again.  It was the best he could do.

He stalked Simon for the rest of the week, marking the times he went into the office, when he left to eat his lunch, when he returned, and when he left for the evening.  Trace found that all these things happened at the same time each day.  It was too easy.  He could search the office and be out twenty minutes, undetected.  And if he was successful...

If he was successful he’d never have to think about Justin ever again.

But he knew he couldn’t do it alone.  The guards were always a problem, and Trace knew he would be walking in blind if he didn’t have a look out.  But who the hell could be his lookout?

He was knocking on a familiar door a few hours later, once he convinced himself that she’d always stood by him and that now couldn’t have been any different, even if she was mad at him.

The door opened, and she was there in a towel, her hair dripping wet.  She gasped when she laid eyes on him.  “Trace...”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.  “Can I talk to you?”

Amy shook her head a little.  “I can’t.”

He put his foot in the doorway as she tried to close it in his face.  “Why?”

The tears in her eyes gave her away.  Somebody had gotten to her.  Somebody was trying to keep them apart.  “Is it Simon?” he asked her angrily.

“I just...”

“Tell me!”

She sighed heavily and looked down either side of the hallway before quickly pulling him inside her room and shutting the door.  “This doesn’t mean I’m not still pissed off at you.”  She began to pace back and forth.  “But...but I shouldn’t have just walked out on you.  I was just afraid.  I thought they would hurt us both if I kept seeing you.  At first Simon was a little supportive of us being together, but ever since you made him angry, he just hasn’t felt the same about it.”  She crossed the room and sat down on her lush pink sofa, grabbing the towel tighter to her chest.  “He said bad things would happen if I kept seeing you, and when...when you said all that stuff about my dad and escaping I just caved in because I was angry.”

Trace balled his fists at his sides.  It wasn’t enough that he’d lost his life and was being forced to face the issues he left behind, now Simon was trying to take his only happiness in the place away from him too.  “You can’t believe him, Amy.  He’s trying to control you.”

She quivered a little as she looked down at her lap.  “He turned the buzzer on me the last time, and he would have thrown me in Isolation if I hadn’t told him I would do as he said,” she whispered.  “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry.  But...I don’t know what he’ll do next time.  I”m...I’m so scared, Trace.”

He quickly crossed the room and sat next to her as she began to cry, and pulled her close to his chest, pressing his nose into her wet hair.  “Come with me,” he whispered to her.  “I...I want to go look through Simon’s office tonight.  You can help.  We can try to get out tomorrow when they open the line again, if we find the key.”

She shook her head hard.  “We’ll get caught.  I know we will.”

“Nothing bad will happen.” He promised her.  “I know what I’m doing, Amy.  We can’t stay here like this.  They’re against us now.”

“But my goals...” she sniffled and managed to look up at him.  “They’re almost done.  Simon says if I finish, he’ll let me leave here like I’m supposed to.”

He stared at her.  “So you don’t want to leave with me?”

She hung her head low.  “I...I do...”

“Then we have to do it this way,” he persisted.  “You know we’ll never find each other again if we leave separately, and...I can’t lose you.  You’re all I have.”

She touched his face gently, gazing at him as if she never wanted to let him go.  “Did you mean what you said?  That...you love me.”

He pulled her close to him, and answered her question with a long kiss on the mouth.  “Yeah,” he said to her softly as their kiss broke.  “I do.”

She gave his hand a squeeze and the light returned to her eyes.  “Then let’s try.”

He smiled.

They snuck out of the hotel in the dead of night.  Of course there was no curfew at the Ward, but he was sure a guard would start asking them questions if they were discovered taking the Speedotram to the offices together at that hour.  They kept low profiles, ducking into doorways, and hiding behind buildings whenever Trace thought there might have been somebody coming.  Even getting a train was hard, because a change of the guards was taking place when they got to the station, and Trace had to yank Amy down a corridor and behind some empty crates just so they wouldn’t be spotted.  Trace could feel her pressing her face into his arm the entire time.  He knew how terrified she was, but it only made him more determined to succeed.  It only took minutes, but to Trace, it seemed to take an eternity as they were huddled in that small space.  Then the footsteps and the bustle of the shift change ended.

“Just wait a few more minutes,” Amy told him in a rushed whisper when he began to emerge from their hiding place.  “Somebody may have lingered.”

He didn’t want to, but he did it for her.  Soon enough, he convinced her that it was safe, and pulled her out of the space by the hand.  They took the first tram that came along, which thankfully enough, seemed to be deserted.  They were whisked away, arriving at the Wards industrial park in just minutes, and Trace quickly rushed them off the tram and into the doorway of an unmarked building.  “You okay?” He turned to her and placed his hands on her face, rubbing his thumbs along her jawline.

She nodded, and took a deep breath.  “What now?”

“We go in,” he nodded.  “And hope that Simon’s office isn’t locked.”

Her eyes widened a little.  “You didn’t check on that?”

He shrugged.  “I didn’t think about it.”

She seemed let down by this, and began to hesitate.  “Trace...maybe...”

“Hey,” he spoke over her.  “Amy, I have this under control.  All right?”

She nodded very rapidly, but Trace wasn’t convinced she was confident in his plan anymore.  Still, they were right outside of the offices.  They’d come too far to turn back, so he just breathed out heavily and took her by the hand, looking around cautiously before they ran across to the stone steps of the office building.  The doors parted open for them, as they always did, and Trace got them inside without incident.  There was nobody at the reception desk, like there was in the daytime, but Trace knew it was after hours and they only kept the building open so people could come and use the portals in an emergency.  

They moved seamlessly through the corridor, holding their breaths, barely making a sound as they reached the elevators.  Trace pressed the up button quickly and stole a look back at Amy.  She was chewing her bottom lip nervously and staring hard at the metal elevator doors, as if she could open them with her mind if she stared hard enough.

Trace squeezed her hand.

The elevator ride was silent, and Trace made sure they got off on Simon’s floor.  He signaled Amy to be quiet with a finger pressed to his lips as they stepped into the hallway, and Trace was thankful that he had the location of Simon’s office memorized, as there was barely enough light in the hall to see where he was going.  He counted the doors, knowing Simon’s was the fifth door on the right side, holding his breath as he gripped Amy’s hand tighter with one hand and tried the doorknob with his free one.

The door opened.

“Oh god,” Amy whispered, barely audible.  “Trace...”

He pulled her inside, and the lights in the office snapped on instantly.  For a moment they both froze, for fear that it might have been an alarm, but then calmed down when no buzzes or voices came about.  It was just a courtesy light, in case Simon decided to come into the office before the sun had risen.  Trace nearly snorted at the prospect of Simon working any sort of overtime.  

“Here, stand by the door,” he told Amy quickly.  “Listen for noises, okay?”

She just nodded.  “Hurry, Trace.”

He didn’t answer, just went to work.  He started at the bookcase, but found nothing of interest there, let alone a key.  There was a chest of drawers that came next, and Trace’s heart fluttered a little when he found spare security bracelets inside, but as he dug through the mass of them, he found no keys, and sighed in frustration.  The only other option left then was the desk, and Trace prayed that the drawers weren’t locked.

He tried the bottom left first.  It was a file drawer, each tab possessing the name and case number of each of Simon’s clients.  He nearly shut the drawer before the curiosity start to nag at him, and he couldn’t help himself.  He quickly found his name and pulled out his file, throwing it open on top of the desk, coming face to face with a picture of himself clipped to a thick pile of papers.  He wasn’t sure where the picture had been taken, but he was certain he’d already been dead.  He looked overwhelmed.  Trace wondered if it was from that first day in the hallway.  If so, he had a hell of a lot more color in his cheeks then, and his face was fuller too, as if he’d been well fed.  He hadn’t even realized how much weight he’d lost since he’d been in the Ward.

He moved the picture aside with disgust, and began to read the top page:

Deceased: Juan Romero Ayala III a.k.a Trace Ayala

Case number: 50743

Years lived: 1981-2005

Cause of death: Motor Vehicle Accident

Goal Status: Incomplete (0/2)

Comments: Trace has been an incorrigible candidate.  His relationships with those on earth, seem to put him in a deeper state of depression the more he travels through the Portal network.  It is in my expert opinion at this time, that he should not be recommended for the Next Step as he is unwilling to complete his goals as described.  An extended stay in Isolation may be the key to an adjustment in his attitude, pending CEO approval.

He gritted his teeth in anger as he read the comment paragraph once more, and he felt the tears threaten to spill out of his eyes as he stared at his full name.  Seeing it reminded him of so much.  It reminded him of his family.  More things about his mom and dad...his siblings that he’d completely forgotten.  It reminded him of those he grew up with.  Of Rachael.  Christ, he had forgotten about her too.

How could he have forgotten about her?  Aside from Justin, she’d probably been his best friend.  The fury he felt for Simon grew.  The bastard had kept this information from him, so he wouldn’t be able to remember.  He’d been fucking brainwashed.  

“Trace?”

He realized he was sobbing, and quickly snapped out of it at the sound of her voice.  

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing...nothing.”  He tried to shove the file back in it’s folder, but Amy pushed his hand aside and grabbed the packet out of his reach.  He watched as she read the top page, the intense realization of why he was upset quickly spreading across her face.

“Juan?” She smiled slightly when she was through reading.  

“Dad’s name,” he muttered.  “I remembered that part.  I just...the last name was what I forgot.”

She nodded.  “Simon’s an arrogant prick,” she said to him, her tone filled with hate as she shoved the file back at him.  “I wonder what happened when he died.  I bet he fucked up really good, and they made him work here.”

He would have laughed if he weren’t so overcome with emotion at the moment.  “I just remembered like...my entire life just now.”  He shook his head.  “How can he keep that from us, Amy?”

She shrugged.  “I don’t know, and I don’t think you should be questioning it.  Obviously this is how they do things.”

“But...it’s wrong,” he persisted.

She hugged him quickly.  “Trace, the key,” she reminded him.  “I’ll talk about this with you later but we don’t have time to think about it right now.”

She was right, and he took a deep breath.  “I’m sorry.”

“Just look for the key,” she persisted, as she returned to her spot by the door.

He shoved his file down his pants while she wasn’t looking.  Surely the contract that he’d signed was stapled along with the other papers.  He didn’t know what good it would do him if he messed with it, but he figured if anything...it would piss Simon off, and he didn’t mind doing that.  He also grabbed Amy’s file as well, knowing that she would want to read it when they were in safety again.  Then he began to search the other drawers, finding them filled with nothing but junk and office supplies.  A sinking feeling formed in the pit of his stomach when he finished searching the small pen drawer in the center of the desk.  It was all for nothing.  He’d put Amy’s future on the line, promising her he could find the key for them, and there was no key.

He slammed the drawer shut angrily.

That was when he heard it.  A hollow sound, like something had just dropped open underneath the desk.  He crouched down quickly, but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.  Trace knew better though.  Simon was a sneaky bastard, and sneaky bastards had hiding places.  He felt a small smile tug at his lips as he opened the drawer again, more carefully this time.  He felt around underneath the various pens and pads that had been shoved inside, and felt a finger hole at the very back of the drawer.  “Amy.” He called out, his voice raised slightly.  “Amy I found something.”

She turned, and came closer to him.  “What is it?”

He pulled the fake base out of the drawer, and nearly fell to his knees when he saw them all.  Keys, about twenty of them.  Each with a specific name tag attached, one for every active client in Simon’s file.  “Look at this.”

She came around the desk, and he heard her gasp.  “Jesus.”

“Here, take these.”  He pulled two keys out of the drawer, one with his name and one with hers.  “Put them in your bra.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“You know you’ve done it with other stuff,” he snickered.

“This is vile.”  She shoved the keys in her bra and let out a breath.  “Happy?”

He kissed her lips quickly.  “Let’s get out of here.”

They were halfway across Simon’s office when they heard it.  Somebody whistling, their footsteps quickly drawing closer to where they were.  “Shit.”  His eyes scanned the room frantically for a place to hide.  There was space behind a large chair in the corner of the room, but it was only room enough for one person.  “Go hide over there.”  He pushed Amy towards the spot, and frantically began to put everything back into the drawer the way it had been.

“What about you?” She asked him, panicked.

“I’ll figure it out.  Go!”

She did it, and Trace felt a small pang of relief when she disappeared from his view.  He finished putting the items back in the drawer and closed it, scanning the room rapidly for another hiding place.  The only other option seemed to be underneath the desk, and Trace knew that it wouldn’t be a terrible place to hide as long as whoever it was didn’t decide to come around the other side of it.  As the footsteps stopped in front of the door, Trace knew he was out time, and quickly dove behind the desk without trying to think of another option.

The door clicked open, and the whistling grew louder as whoever it was entered the room.  The front of the desk was solid, so Trace couldn’t see anything that was going on, but he began to pray for a miracle.  Pray that it was simply a guard who had seen the light turned on and decided to come turn it off.  He covered his mouth, feeling as if his breathing was as loud as a sound amplifier, and mentally begged Amy to do the same thing.

“I told you that I’m sick of his shit, Daisy.  No, I’m done with chances.  Why should he get treated differently?  Yes...yes...yes I know.  I know what the CEO wants but...”  

It was fucking Simon.  Trace had never been more scared since he’d been at the Ward.  Getting caught like this, hiding in the guy’s office with files and keys shoved in their clothes, would probably earn each of them a one way ticket into Isolation.

“No, I won’t until you tell me,” he said, the aggravation in his voice obvious.  “Yes, ma’am.  Good night.”

Trace heard something hard plop down on the top of the desk.  He didn’t breathe.

“Stupid cunt.”

Simon began to whistle again.  Trace recognized the song automatically, as it had been drilled into his head one too many times.  It was surreal.  Here he was, trapped in an office with Simon, and the song he decided to whistle was fucking Bye, Bye, Bye?  Visions of Justin flashed through his mind, and Trace almost...needed him then.  If Justin had been there, they would have thought of a solution to the issue immediately.  They were a team.  Brothers.  They would have gotten each other out, and Amy too.

Trace missed his friend, and realized he hadn’t allowed himself to think that way about him since he died.

Unfortunately, his timing was off, and he forced himself to get it together.  Justin would have to wait.

“Fucking housekeeping,” Simon cut his whistling short and Trace heard him shifting things around.  His thoughts immediately went to Amy, and he prayed that Simon wouldn’t move the chair she was hiding behind. “Looks like somebody ransacked my office.”

Then Simon was right there, right in front of him.  His black dress pants covering half of the opening that lead underneath the desk.  Trace pulled his knees as close to his chest as he possibly could and pressed his face against them.  Please...

A drawer opened.  The bottom left.  Trace was going to hurl.

“What the hell is going on?”

Simon knew something was missing, and when Trace heard him yank open the center draw and remove it’s false bottom, he was sure Simon knew it was more than just files.

“Son of a bitch,” Simon grunted.

The drawer banged shut.

He heard something being picked up from the top of the desk, then there were tones, like when you pressed the buttons on a touch tone phone.  

“Yeah, hello?  This is Simon. Make sure the gateway is sealed off and get your men together.  Somebody has been going through my office.  I’m missing two files and two security keys.  Take these names.  Trace Ayala, Amy Strife.  I want them brought to me.  Now.”

He hung up.

They had to get out.  Trace willed Simon out, away, anyplace but right there in front of the desk.  The phone rang, Simon picked up.

“I’ll be right there.”

The whistling started again, the footsteps traveled to another part of the room and then the lights went off.  The door opened and slammed shut again.

He was gone.

“Trace.” Amy hissed.  “Trace where are you?”

He crawled out from underneath the desk, gasping for a breath, knowing how close they had both come to getting caught.  “I’m here.”  He called, when he didn’t see her.

She came out from behind the chair.  “This place is going to be swarming with guards in five minutes.”

He nodded but didn’t look at her.  He desperately tried to think of someplace they could go, hide, until the morning.  He thought of Justin again, what he would do.  The Portal.  Couldn’t they hide there?  Trace knew they couldn’t be followed if they did.  Simon and the guards didn’t know where Justin lived...right?  Would it work?  Would they be stopped?  “The Portal,” he suggested to her.

Her eyes widened.  “How far are we?”

“One floor down,” he told her softly.  “Come on, we can hide at Justin’s.”

“Can I even come with you?”

“I guess we’ll find out,” he chuckled then, even though his heart was pounding wildly in his chest, and he grabbed her hand again.

The hall was clear, strangely enough, so they ran for it, reaching the elevators seconds later.  Amy frantically pushed the up button, and then...they saw another button light up on the second set of elevator doors.  It meant somebody was on their way up to that floor again.

“Come on, come on...” Trace willed their elevator to beat it’s partner.

The doors dinged open welcomingly and they ran onto the elevator just as the second set of doors dinged open behind them.  He heard a voice.

“Trace! I know it’s you and that bitch! Get off the elevator!”

“Simon.” Amy whimpered.

The doors closed, and they both heard the horrific buzzing begin out in the hallway.  For some reason though, it couldn’t follow them onto the elevator, and they breathed out a relieved sigh.  The moment was short lived though.  The elevator reached it’s destination all too quickly, and Trace knew there was a good chance Simon and the others could be waiting for them.  But it was a chance he was willing to take.  Then the elevator doors parted, Trace held his breath...

But there was nobody there waiting for them.  They were still one step ahead of Simon and his guards.

“Come on.”  

He yanked Amy along behind him, and forced them through the first portal that came along.  They both got through without any problems, and Trace told it to take them to Justin’s, to safety.  Then the serene backyard appeared before them.  The sun was just beginning to rise over the Hollywood hills, and he collapsed onto the soft grass with her in his arms.

“Where are we?” She asked after she’d managed to catch her breath.  

“Justin’s backyard,” he panted.  “So there’s your answer.  Yes, you can come through with me.”

She leaned her head back against his chest.  “What’s going to happen?”

He shook his head, suddenly remembering the keys, and their bracelets.  He looked down at his wrist.  The thing was invisible right now of course, but when Trace felt around for it, he found it right away.  “Get the keys out.”

She reached into her bra, and quickly retrieved the things they’d worked so hard and risked so much to get.  Trace held Amy’s in his hand, and when he did, her bracelet came into view.  ‘Here.”  He pulled her hand closer to him and began to poke the key around the bracelet, trying to find where the lock was, or to make it appear.

It didn’t do anything.  The bright red light continued to blink on and off.

“No...”  He shook her wrist.  “No...come on...”

“Trace.”

He barely heard her at first.  He was too busy frantically trying to make the thing work, because he knew if it didn’t, they were trapped.  The moment they stepped out of Justin’s sanctuary, Simon would be waiting for them, and he knew...he just knew how bad things would get.  

“I think we have to be at the gateway for it to work,” Amy told him, her voice more stern this time.  “Trace!”

She steadied his hand, because he wouldn’t stop poking the key around.  “I can’t believe this,” he dropped the key and sobbed, putting a hand to his forehead in despair.  “What are we going to do?”

She shook her head.  “I don’t know.”

They took in the rest of the sunrise silently together, and for the first time, Trace allowed himself to cry on her shoulder while she rubbed her hand in a circular motion across back.  He felt like he’d failed her.  He’d been so adamant that they do this so they could be together, and really...he’d acted in haste.  He should have researched more, been more prepared, but he was just too desperate to get out of the Ward.  It had warped his mind, and now they were trapped.

“What’s in your pants?”

He looked up at her after a long while, and wiped at his eyes before feeling around the back of his pants, remembering the files he’d hidden there automatically.  “The files.”  He pulled them out and laid them on the grass.

Amy’s eyes widened.  “Trace! He’ll kill us both!”

“Hmm, yeah.” Trace shrugged.  “But we’re already dead.”

“Oh...right.”

He looked back at her, she laughed, and he was finally able to do it too.

They looked through their files together, Trace proving himself right when he found his contract, and debated on ripping it up before Amy told him not to.

“Something bad could happen,” she warned him.  “Leave it for now.”

He agreed with her, and simply closed his file and handed it over to her so he couldn’t be tempted.  

“You were right about the last name thing,” she told him quietly as she shoved their files down her pants.  “I remember a lot of stuff about...before.  Things I needed to remember.”

He huffed.  “They can’t do this to people, Amy.”

“They shouldn’t,” she countered.  “But we can’t stop them.”

“Maybe we can talk to the CEO.”

“The CEO?” Amy laughed.  “Whoever the CEO is, I’m sure they know what goes on at the Ward.”

Trace shrugged.  “It’s like any corporate head though.  Half the time these people are so busy, they don’t know half the stuff that goes on in their companies.”

“You sure know a lot about business.”

“I was kind of an entrepreneur,” Trace smirked.

“You never did tell me who this Justin fellow is,” Amy told him after a moment.  “But he sure has a lot of money.  This house is massive.”

Trace never told her, because in his previous life, when he’d told people about who his best friend was, what his job was, they’d tend to like him for all the wrong reasons.  Even in death, Trace was still weary about it.  “Justin Timberlake.”  He told her finally, knowing that he loved her, and didn’t want to keep anything a secret from her anymore.

“Shit, no kidding,” she chuckled.  “My kid sister used to idolize him when he was in that boyband.”

“Most people still do.”

“So...what happened to him? I mean, I know you said you have to give him closure because he was driving the car when you had the accident, but you didn't tell me what happened to him.”

He sighed and looked back at the rising sun again, knowing it was early, but that Justin had always been an early riser anyway.  “I’ll show you.”

He led her into the house, and smiled a little as he watched her take it all in.  It was fun for him in a way, to show her what part of his life used to be like, and he wondered if she would ever get the opportunity to show him where she used to live.  He would have liked to see it, to get a look at her family, to know more about her life.  

“I’m so hungry,” Amy reminded him as they drew closer to the kitchen, where the scent of bacon and pancakes being cooked filled their nostrils.

“Don’t remind me,” Trace muttered, knowing they more than likely couldn’t eat any of the food, since they were dead.

When they got into the kitchen, Trace immediately spotted Justin at the table, reading glasses on, going over some kind of documents on the table.  Lynn was at the stove, putting the finishing touches on a grand looking breakfast, and Rachael was there too, seeming to be handling some kind of business issue over the phone for Justin.

Rachael.

He smiled when he saw her.  She looked good, but sad, and all he’d wanted to do then was talk to her, to tell her he remembered her and he always would.  But with Amy there, he felt funny showing himself to anybody.  It was something that was private...his, and so he hesitated.

“He’s in a wheelchair,” Amy pointed out.

Trace nodded as he lingered over his best friend.  “Paralyzed from the waist down.”

“I’m...sorry.”r32;