Christmas.

It shines with a sparkle, the tingle of the sound, and the glitter of the tinsel. The ground, a crisp and frosty cover, crunches beneath the weight of the carolers and partygoers. The spicy fragrance of northern pine prickles the senses, but the pungent and fresh scent of cinnamon, peppermint, and ginger soothes those pricks. All the aromas accented by the burning firewood during Christmas time.

The fire is burning
The room's all aglow
Outside the December wind blows
Away in the distance
The carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight
Because...

Christmas.

The dancing brilliance of heaven's twinkling residents is a reminder that angels, too, light their northern pines. The joyful secrets of meaningful gifts and hidden mischievous mistletoe rustle the air. The breath of a whisper rings the bells - silver across the snow. And, the snow, an icy reminder of joyous childhoods, blankets every surface, like the warmth of Christmas time.

Christmas.

A long awaited gourmet meal that her mother had spent all month planning and all day preparing. The fragrance of turkey in a seasoning mix of walnut, honey, and butter bathed every wall of the home. With eyes wide shut, she could breathe in deeply and pinpoint every food set on the delicately decorated dinner table. Her grandmother's plum jam and buttermilk biscuits were the most anticipated dish. And, her aunt's spice rum cake and coffee would be the big finale of the night.

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

Christmas.

It was that time again. The most anticipated season of the year, and yet, the most dreaded. The ultimate time of giving, being with friends and family, and having someone to love. And, yes, she did enjoy giving and her friends and family. And most definitely she had someone to love, just not someone here with her.

"Nev, can you hold Grace for a second?" her mother, Gwen's voice broke through the noisy murmur of multiple conversations over the dinner table. Nodding, 29-year-old Neva Blu took her niece into her arms. The joyful 2-year-old was happily chewing on a chicken leg. Gwen always made sure to make a chicken for the children, "turkey meat is too tough" she says.

"Looking good with a kid there, cuz," her annoying cousin, Matt, taunted her from across the table. Smirking, she softly kissed Grace's temple.

I gaze out the window
This cold winters' night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness
Remembering when you were mine
Everybody's smiling
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing
Except for you and I
Baby...

"Looking good without your boyfriend, Matt," she retorted, lightly chuckling when a look of displeasure crossed his face. Matt was always too quick to remind her of her lifelong goal - to be married with children by the age of 30. And, in the morning, she would officially have failed.

"I can say the same about you," he smirked, quickly recovering from her teasing. Seeing his face flash before her eyes, she felt a searing burn in her chest. It was a physical pain, and her hand flew to the offending area. Her arm tightened the hold on Grace, and the toddler squirmed. Realizing her strength, Neva loosened her grip. Even after a few months, the thought of him could still cause her pain from 2900 miles away.

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

"Shush your mouth, Matthew John," her grandmother reprimanded him from the head of the table. Her normally meek voice boomed across the dining room, and Neva knew a deep shade of crimson had taken over her facial features. Refusing to look up at her cousin's victorious smirk, she kept her eyes cast downward and her focus on Grace.

Her mother's vacant chair beside her was a reminder that he should've been there. That would've been his seat, and maybe, Grace would be their child. Marrying him after four years together had been so close, she could literally feel it. The engagement ring that he'd adorned her left hand with had been simple, modest, and stunning. And, I=it was from memory that she relived the comfortable weight that her hand, or her neck when on duty, had become comfortable with.

She relieved those fifty-four months that she'd lived with the greatest man that she'd ever loved and had loved her. It was the memories of days gone by and of that organza gown hanging in her closet that she now had to live with.

****

LAX, Los Angeles 2004

"Flight delay, super," muttered the young man sitting beside her in the terminal's waiting room. She looked around and observed the  all-too-familiar look of distress across other travelers' faces. Inwardly sighing, she shook her head and smiled before resuming her crossword puzzle.

"Fifteen across, it's spelled wrong," the male voice broke through her reverie as he reached across to take the  pen and LA Times  from her hands.

"Excuse me?" she questioned, shocked that this stranger had reached for the newspaper like nothing.

"Right here, Paris jilted her for Helen. It's Oenone, you're right. But, there's an ‘o' here, not an ‘I'," he explained, transforming her offending letter.

"Oh, umm, thank you," she stuttered, taking her belongings back when he outstretched his hands.

"I didn't mean to intrude like that, but I figured you'd appreciate having the correct spelling," he rambled, and for the first time, she noticed him. His electric blue eyes danced happily, and yet, he looked so tired. His strong jaw flexed as he smiled at her.

"No, I do. I appreciate it very much," she stumbled over her words, desperate to make him see she wasn't upset.

"JC Chasez, pleasure meeting you," his strong hand reached out in greeting. Smiling, she took a tight grip of his hand.

"Sergeant Neva Blu Olsson, pleasure meeting you," her voice took on her customary greeting tone. Her shoulders squaring and her chin tipping upward.

"Sergeant Olsson, huh? Marines...you're one tough cookie," he deduced, taking note of her jeans and ‘Marines' tee shirt. Chuckling, she shook her head. In the past four years since she'd joined the Marines, that's been all she'd ever heard.

"I make do," she confessed, knowing there were days while at the base that she didn't feel all that tough.

"Heading for service?" he asked, turning his body towards her. He was making himself comfortable for a long conversation.

"I'm actually heading home for two weeks vacation. Been on a ten-month leave in Afghan," she replied, a shoulder shrug following his look of surprise.

"Oh wow...first duty?" he asked, and she nodded. And so, it'd begun. The conversation between the two freely floated, like two old friends catching up. After about two hours waiting, they heard her flight to Santa Rosa was announced. Slinging her backpack onto her shoulder, she turned towards him to say goodbye.

"Call me...whenever," he simply said, taking hold of her forearm and jotting down his ten digits in shaky black ink. She nodded, unable to find her voice. And, he embraced her. Walking away, Neva found herself wanting to turn back and never leave his side. Somehow she found the courage to turn her head and look back at him, and there he stood, one hand in his pocket and the other waving at her.

"Welcome home," he mouthed, and she smiled.

****

She'd worked the nerve to dial the phone number after three days, and he'd picked up on the first ring. Late into the night, they spoke like teenagers. No stone had been left unturned. He asked to see her soon, before she deployed once more. So, she did the only thing she knew to do. She invited him to visit that weekend with her in Napa; her home in Cotati was only twenty minutes away from the vineyards.

And, he came.

And, he stayed the rest of her time home.

And, he flew back to Los Angeles with her.

And, from here, he personally drove her down to Camp Pendleton.

And, he'd kissed her.

In the springtime
Those memories start to fade
With the April rain
Through the summer days
Till Autumn's leaves are gone
I get by without you
Till the snow begins to fall
And then...

For the next year, they maintained communication - letters, emails, and phone calls. Her second tour of duty had lasted fourteen months, and he had waited.

He'd always been so patient with each of her tours, never losing faith that she'd returned - alive and well. After her second tour, they'd begun a relationship that had flourished ridiculously quick. Neva moved into his home in LA, and found a job with an accounting firm in the city. They'd easily settled into a simply easy life together.

And, on their third anniversary, they headed north to Napa for a weekend getaway at her parents' vineyards. There, he'd surprised her with a dinner with all her family. And, about halfway through the dinner, he'd dropped down on one knee.

"Yes," she can still hear her own quivering voice answer, as his strong hands hand slipped the platinum and diamond band over her ring finger. The wedding planning began almost immediately, with April 9th as the chosen date. And, when she was offered promotion to Captain, she'd been ecstatic.

"You take that, and they'll send you back over. You know it, and yet, you're willing to risk everything again. What about the wedding?" he'd argued and she'd been too stubborn to listen to him. For her, it was the moment she'd waited for. To be a commissioned officer in the Marine Corps.

And, at the time, Neva hadn't seen his reasoning. She thought he was being selfish. And, thus, it was because of this that he'd canceled the wedding and essentially, their relationship had vanished.

"And my pride doesn't let me apologize," she said aloud, her soft whisper carrying across the empty living room. Right now, she sat in her parents' living room, staring at her silent cell phone. She'd come in here hoping to build the courage to dial his number.

"He deserves you in person," her grandmother's voice startled her from the doorway. Twisting her body towards her grandmother, Neva blushed. It was a bit embarrassing that her grandmother could read her so well.

"You think?" her insecurity questioned her grandmother. Smiling, she nodded at Neva and watched the young woman's internal struggled with herself.

"You're right," she hurriedly admitted, jumping up and out the living room.

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

"Ma...I've got to go!" Neva yelled, announcing her departure and she hurriedly wrapped the scarf around her neck and pulled on her beanie. Without waiting for a reply, Neva rushed out to her vehicle and climbed in. Starting the engine, she realized that he'd either be in LA or in Orlando. So, either she drove the seven hours to LA or she flew to Orlando.

"I'll reach him on Christmas," she said to herself, knowing she'd never make it across the country on Christmas Eve. Throwing the car on ‘reverse', she began maneuvering the vehicle out of the driveway. Before she could full exit, a black car cut her off.

"Oh hell no!" she exclaimed, throwing the car in park and climbing out. She was prepared to give this other driver a piece of her mind. Stomping through the chilly air, she reached the car's driver's side.

"Excuse me!" she impatiently tapped the window. The car door opened and she took a step back.

"Neva..." he began, nerves disguising his voice.

"Jace...I'm so sorry!" she threw her arms around his neck. His arms caught her flailing body, and cradled her close to his body. There was a chilly draft in the night's breezy, so his arms rubbed her back to provide warmth.

"I'm so sorry for being such an idiot. I should've never done what I did. I was selfish and self-absorbed and blind and...I don't know. I am just so sorry!" she cried into his shoulder, her words muffled. But, he'd understood her.

"Shh...it'll ok, babygirl," his warmth soothed her and his voice lulled her. Breathing deeply, she hugged him tightly once more before he pulled her away.

"I want you to take that promotion and I want you to be the best Captain ever," he spoke, deliberately slow. Wiping his thumbs under her eyes, he smiled in comfort.

"I'm sorry, Jace. But, I can't do that," she replied, tears in her voice and on her face.

"And why not? Neva, baby, I want you to do what you love to do. And, if that means being a Marine and going off to fight, then go. I'll always be here, babygirl," he tried reasoning with her, but the smile remained on her face along with her head shaking in disagreement.

"Well, I can't be a Mommy Marine in Iraq," she quipped, and a small chuckle escaped her lips as he cheered, hooted, and hollered as the reality of her words sunk in. His arms dropped from around her, and he took off around her parents' driveway.

"Me? A daddy? Really?" the joy on his face is indescribable. She drew her lip in between her lips, a nervous habit, and nodded. He rushed to her, picking her up and twirling her through the air.

"Jace...the baby!" she exclaimed, her fingers tightly grasping his forearms. Setting her down, his hands moved up to grasp her face. And, pulling her in, he kissed her deeply.

"This is the best Christmas, ever!" he cheered, hugging her close to his body.

"And, I put in my retirement papers. Ten years, I think it's time to go," she confessed, sharing the difficult decision she'd chosen to make. It was a dangerous job, a job that she enjoyed very much so. But, she'd come to realize that she wanted to always stay close to her family. She'd been fortunate to have multiple tour and return in fine form.

"Really?" he questioned, aware of her passion and love for the armed forces. He didn't want her giving up on things for them. Maybe it'd be tougher, but they'd get used to it.

"No, it's decided," she put her foot down, "I want to stay and be home. With you."

Watching her, standing mere feet from him, he observed her. He wanted to find any sign that she wasn't sure of her decision. He found none.

"Merry Christmas, Josh," she smiled, taking one step towards him.

"Merry Christmas, First Lieutenant Neva Blue," he replied, opening his arms wide. "And welcome home."