I was only 12 years old. I was young. I was stupid. I was in love. A trip to Orlando for three weeks changed my entire life. I went from being a child to a pre-teen girl. All because of that show. The show that introduced me to.....them.

Mickey Mouse Club. MGM studio. October 14, 1993.

I lucked my way into meeting a kid who stayed at my hotel, Celeste, and she invited me to go along. I never really watched the show back home in LA, we didn't have cable, so I was skeptical. Looking back, I'm glad I decided to go with Celeste. Even though she had just turned 15 at the time, I'm glad that she chose me. I wasn't as excited as she was, she was telling me (over and damn over) about how hot Tony Lucca was and wanting to marry Ryan Gosling. None of which I cared about since I had no idea who the hell she was talking about.

1993: Mickey Mouse Club....MMC...Whatever.

We sat down in the very front row, great view of the entire stage. That music kicked in, the kids went wild, and that's when my life changed. I saw him. I saw no one else, but him. He was a creamy complexion, the curliest blonde hair atop his head, and a smile that caused eruption of butterflies, and that's an understatement. Needless to say, he was amazing to look at.

"Cel, who is HE?" I asked.

"Oh, thats Justin Timberlake," she replied.

"He's really cute," I said quietly. Celeste smiled at me widely. It didn't take a genius to read the look she was giving me.

"I didn't know you were into white boys, Zahra," she teased.

"But Cel you like those Tony Lucci and Ryan Gross guys and they're white. I'm into boys, race doesn't matter. Especially when he's that cute."

She nudged me as the show began. I could barely follow everything that was going on. The show was fast paced, things moved so quickly. I always found Justin though. No matter where he was, I always found him. When I lost him, I always found him tip-toeing behind this older guy. He had dark, wavy hair, and a beautiful set of eyes. I became entranced by the structure of his face and body. This guy was gorgeous.

"Cel, who is HE?!" I whispered.

"That's JC Cha-something, can't pronounce his last name. Why, you think he's hot, too?" she asked.

"Excuse my language, but hell yeah." Celeste chuckled quietly, shaking her head.

"He is hot, wait until you hear him sing, though. You'll feel things you never felt before," she teased.

I wonder how old he is. He looked about 16 or 17. Either way, my 12-year old self is totally not on the list of potential dates. I stopped paying attention to the show and became focused entirely on finding Justin and JC so I could state at them like I had no sense. With no surprise to me, I had no luck.

I began to ask Celeste if she saw them, when she quickly and tightly grasped onto my hand. It scared the living daylights out of me.

"What are y--"

"Shh! JC's about to get on stage and sing," she interrupted.

I shot my eyes to the stage as the noise came to a complete silence. The music played and the performance began. I dodged my head all around looking for Justin, to soon find out he wasn't on stage. Once I stopped being a pre-pubescent stalker, I focused my eyes onto JC. He was singing some song, a wild guess at the title would be "Let's Get Together" since that's what was being repeated. The sound of his voice on my ears was almost therapeutic. I was in awe of a teenager singing with so much passion and soul. Bottom line this guy could SANG, he was a great dancer, and......he's looking right at me.....Oh God. I put my head down, pretending I dropped something.

"Zahra, what are you doing?" Celeste whispered violently.

"That JC guy just looked at me. I panicked!" I whispered back.

"Then look back, doofus," she chuckled.

I finally lifted my head back up and before I knew it, this catchy song started playing, and all of the audience were standing up, dancing with the cast. I was thrown for a loop. Was this some sort of dance break?

"What's going on?" I asked.

"End of the show! Come on, let's get on the stage quick!" Celeste grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the stage. We were smack dab in the middle, Justin and JC weren't too far away on each side. Celeste began to dance and I was stuck. What the hell?

"Move your ass!" she whispered.

"This isn't Soul Train, I don't want to."

"Do something, damn it." She pinched my arm and I jumped so high in the air, the only way to play it off was to dance. Ugh. 15-year olds and their bossiness. "That's the spirit, now you're getting the right attention."

I didn't bother to look around, once I started dancing, I became consumed with it. Nothing else began to matter. On the other hand, once I did touch down to reality, that Ryan Gross kid was near Celeste and I. He's younger than she is but the smile on her face almost made me
want to hit the floor and laugh uncontrollably. A reaction that would've been beyond great right now.

"You're a great dancer." I heard behind me.

I turned around to easily thank the person for the compliment, until I saw who it was that gave it to me. It was him. It was Justin, a smiling Justin. That boy was blessed with the greatest set of teeth I've ever seen. My reaction to being that close to him wasn't what I expected. Almost like I'd lost my voice, I didn't know what to say. I felt an elbow jam into my side. Of course it was Cel, and apparently she got the memo that elbows don't feel pleasant. I smiled, nodding my head in appreciation. I was having so much fun, more fun than the actual vacation I was on. I let my eyes wander around the room, I wanted to get a close look at the people I just watched. I immediately caught sight of Justin was talking to a girl who looked about my age. She was pretty and it was obvious they liked each other. Great. He has a girlfriend. I mean of COURSE he has a girlfriend, he's on TV!

All of the audience was round up by security and led out, in a fashionable manner, to the side of the studio. There were a few tables set up with beverages and snacks and a few more with chairs. The cast came out and there was an uproar of applause. Didn't know what was going on, but I joined in on the applause anyway. The crowd dispersed, moving in all directions to different cast members. Even Celeste disappeared. I went over to the snacks and beverages and found something to munch on. I knew zip zero about the show, so I wasn't about to go mingle like I knew who any of these people were. I was fine being by myself.

"Care for some company?"

I looked up to see who matched the voice I heard. I saw the familiar dark and wavy hair, the defined facial structure, and the beautiful eyes that looked like pools of water. I......I smiled. I didn't know what else to do.

"Uh, s-sure," I finally said. He sat down next to me, eating his Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

"I'm JC, what's your name?" he asked.

"Zahra," I replied.

JC politely reached out his hand to shake mine. "Nice to meet you, Zahra."

"Nice to meet you, too." I shook his hand. Truth be told, on the inside I died twice. You'd think he was Joey McIntyre or something with the way I was feeling.

"I saw you in the front row today, right?" he asked before taking another bite of his peanut butter cup.

I nodded, more viciously than I intended to. I hope I don't scare him away. I mean, at least before I tell him how old I am. "Yeah, you were great. Your voice is amazing."

"Thank you. Don't take this the wrong way or anything but, you're about 12 or 13, right?"

Shot down dead before I could even lie.

"I'm 13, yeah. Why?" I was really hoping he'd say "age doesn't matter, I'm madly in love with you", but I can guarantee that pigs would fly before that's ever true.

"My buddy Justin is the same age as you and I figured you wouldn't mind hanging out with us," he said.

What?

"I'm sorry, let me get this straight. You're inviting me to hang out with you and your friend Justin?" He nodded. I'm gonna hate myself for asking this. "Out of all these other candidates, how come I'm the lucky girl?"

"Well, he spoke to you earlier and wanted to speak to you again. I’m just helping out some cute kids," he replied.

Cute kid. Cute kid? Cute kid?! If he had a G.I. Joe, I'd make Ken doll beat him up. That'll show him how cute of a kid I am.

"Cute kid, huh? I won't be a cute kid forever," I said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I mean someday when I’m older......you'll think of me differently."

The day I stepped back into my room, at home in LA, I felt like something was missing. Everything seemed off. For months, way after my 13th birthday, everything still seemed off. I practically badgered my mom to buy the Disney Channel just so I could see the guys everyday.

It's entirely safe to say that hanging out with Justin and JC, along with Celeste, for the rest of my vacation went extremely well. Numbers were exchanged and addresses were written down. I was going to miss them all. Cel was from The Bronx in New York and I knew I'd probably never see her again. Justin from Millington, Tennessee, and JC from Bowie, Maryland. I was way across the country. With any luck, we'd go back to Orlando this year, but I knew it was a longshot.

1994: The Cancel

I turned on the TV and turned to Disney Channel only to see that I was getting nothing but weird previews.

"Moooooom, what happened to my Disney?!" I called.

"The show got cancelled! I'm not spending my money.........."

I don't know what she said after that, I tuned her out. All I heard was show and cancelled. I had to call someone and find out what was going on. I dialed Justin first, hoping he would pick up.

"Hello?" answered a male voice.

"May I please speak to Justin?"

"May I ask who's speaking?"

"Zahra."

"Oh hey Zahra, what's up?" Whoa. THAT was Justin? He sounded a little different. Guess he was on the road to pu-ber-ty.

"I'm okay, how are you doing?" I asked softly.

"I'm....good? Why do you sound all sad and stuff?" I noticed how cute his accent was and giggled silently.

"I heard about the show, I'm so sorry," I responded.

"Oh that? It's cool, really. It's not so bad being back home, I can go to school and stuff."

"How's that going for you? School?" I asked.

"It's....not as pleasant as I'd hoped. Some kids at school think I'm some stuck-up sissy. But I'm not like that, I'm not like that at all," he replied.

"I know you're not. Don't worry about those kids, Justin. Make friends with people who do see you for the great person you are."

I heard a light chuckle. "You just made me realize how much I miss hanging out with you. You always know what to say. I talked to Cel yesterday and she told me to punch the next guy who called me a sissy."

I laughed, that was Celeste alright. She was a pound their face in now and ask questions later type of girl. Justin missed me. I don't blush and giggle like a fool often, but he sure knows how to make me.

"I miss hanging with you, too. I should go see you one of these days or you come see me, that'd be so cool. I mean, your mom has to wonder who you've been writing and sending pictures to this entire time."

"Trust me, she knows who you are. I talk about you all the time."

He talks about me all the time? Okay, I have to be hearing things, right? "You what?"

"Have you talked to JC?"

"Way to change the subject, but not lately no, why?" I asked.

"He asked me about you."

Oh did he? Bet he told you how cute a kid I was. Ugh. What an unintentional jerk.

"That's cool, guess that means I have to call him. Anyway, I was just checking to see how you were holding up. I'll call you later," I said.

"Thanks, I appreciate it, bye Zee."

"Bye Justin."

He talks about me all the time. Hopefully, that's a good thing.

1995: Runaway.....To Me?

14 was the age of greatness for me, of course except I still had my period. My breasts were in, my body fanned out, and I was almost done with jr. high. The latter being the greatest. My wall was filled with pictures sent to me from Celeste, Justin, and JC. I didn't think they'd actually ever write me letters, but I always returned the favor. Justin was growing up to be this major hot guy and JC had already been in the same category for quite awhile. My family and I never did get back to Orlando, but Cel did keep me posted on all the action she wished I was there to partake in with her.

I wish, one wish. I only wanna see everybody, just for a microsec--

"Hello?" I asked. I was a bit irritated, damn call came in and messed up my wish.

"Hey Zahra, it's JC." Oddly, I'm not irritated anymore.

"Oh hey Josh, I was just about to call and see if you got my letter."

"Yeah, that's what I'm calling about. Your picture....um you..."

"What? Was it a cute kiddie photo?" I asked. He chuckled. I am never gonna let that go. Obviously.

"Would you stop it? Um...It was a nice school picture."

Seriously, JC? I really don't want to ask if that was really what he was trying to say. I'm letting it go.

"Wow a real compliment from you," I teased. “You look super different in your pictures.”

"Oh please. I don't look that much different."

"To me, you do," I argued.

"Wanna find out?" he asked.

I felt my cheeks warm with embarrassment. It was annoying how easy that happened. Is....is he hitting on me?

"How would I do that?"

"I'm coming to LA," he quietly responded. Oh, he wasn't hitting on me. Well, I could dream, can't I?

"Are you serious? When? Why? How? Where are you gonna stay?"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down. I have a friend who's gonna help me get there, and he's setting up a job for me," he explained.

"Where are you gonna LIVE, Josh?" I asked again.

"I was hoping you could help me with that? Maybe."

Oh, yeah sure.....wait, WHAT?!

"Come again? What exactly are you asking me?"

"If I could stay with you, just until I save up enough money for an apartment."

"Josh, are you crazy?!" I yelled.

"Just ask for me, please. I'll have a job, I'll help pay for whatever I need to, and I'll....I'll even enroll in school if she wants. Help me out. Your know your mom loves me, she knows I'm a good influence on you."

I smiled. "Good influence? Yeah right, if only she could see ALL the pictures you've sent me."

There were a good number of pictures where he wasn't wearing a shirt. Not like I minded anyway.

"Dude, don’t word things that way. I was at the beach. What was I supposed to have on? A parka and mountain boots? Anyway, ask for me, please? Pretty please? With JC sugar on top?"

Okay, so he was shirtless at the beach. Whatever. This is what I mean by unintentional jerk.

"JC sugar? I'm not in the least fazed by those," I said.

"You wouldn't know. But anyway, ask her please? With Justin sugar on top?" he laughed.

"Now, I could work with that," I joked.

I pictured him rolling his eyes. JC never admit it, but he hated when I played him and Justin against each other. But why wouldn't I? JC has made it clear that I’ll always be a kid to him. At least Justin and I would be kids together. On the other hand, JC did like the attention I gave him. Like any other teenage guy, it made him feel like he had the upper hand.

"Are you gonna ask for me or not, Zahra?"

"I'll ask and call you back," I replied.

"Thanks, I love you a billion right now," he said.

"Yeah, yeah. Bye."

I hung up the phone and paced the floor of my room. How the HELL was I gonna approach my mom with this? We did have a nicely furnished basement, but my mom never said anything about renting it out. She could use the extra money for the house renovations she'd been wanting to get done. Aha! I know how I'm gonna do this.

I calmly walked downstairs. My mom was sitting at the counter, flipping through a magazine. She looked up and I stared at her.

"Alright, what do you want and how much is it gonna cost?" she asked.

Shit. I hate when moms do that! She didn't even give me a chance to put on my best "mommy" voice.

"Mother! I am appalled by you....yeah okay, do you want to rent out the basement?" I asked.

"Depends, who wants it?" she asked me.

"JC....," I replied. Oh no, here it comes. I can feel it, she’s gonna launch into and —

"How much can he pay for rent?"

....kick my ass? Hold up. What’d she just say?!

"Mom, does this mean you're considering?" I asked.

"I need the extra money, since my hours are going to be cut short for the next couple of months so I can finish up the rest of my nursing classes. Give me his number so I can speak to him and his mother."

"Uh....okay." I wrote down his number and strayed back upstairs to my room. Who the hell is that woman downstairs? That's not my mom. My mom would've thrown me into next year for asking if a 19-year old boy could stay with us.

JC's gonna be living with me? Mom, of all the times to say no, this would've been it.

1995: Moving In

I was so nervous. It's been two years since the last time I saw JC. What if I'm not what he's expecting to see? Unfortunately, my mom would be working by the time JC got here, so I had no choice but to go this alone. As I was walking down the stairs, the doorbell rang. I quickly jogged to the door, only to stand in front of it in pure fear. The doorbell sounded off once more, and I was still frozen.

"Coming!" I slapped my hand against my forehead. Stupid!

"Zahra? It sounds like you're already at the door."

"I am, I'm just having a hard time opening the it." I shook my head and dropped it forward against the wooden barrier.

"Well, could you have an easy time? All this crap I have isn't exactly light."

I took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and finally pulled it open. There stood JC; he was taller, slender, and his hair was still dark and wavy, but cut shorter. The only things that didn't change were his eyes and his face. Damn, he was right. JC smiled at me, as his eyes looked me up and down. I forgot I was standing in the doorway and quickly moved aside so he could come in.

"Oh my GOD," I whispered as I closed the door back.

"Hey! Come here and give me a hug!" JC smiled. I walked over and threw my arms around his waist. I...only got an inch or two of a growth spurt and that was it. He lifted me into the air and spun me around. I think I heard music start to play in the background, and white Lilies fell from the ceiling.....that doesn't mean I liked it or anything......right?

"Wow, you don't look anything like your pictures, Zee. You definitely seem more older," he complimented.

"How much older?" I really wanted to know.

"Like.....a 17-year old, if it makes you happy," he smiled. I pushed him and grabbed one of his bags.

"Come on, follow me to your new abode," I said as I led the way to the basement. I switched the light on and walked down the stairs. No matter how nice it looked, the basement always freaked me out. It was comfortable, regardless.

"This is pretty dope, are you sure your mom wants to rent this out?" he asked as he put his things down. He walked around, in awe of everything.

"You wanna risk asking her?"

"You're right, definitely not. Hey....thanks for doing this for me. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know."

It's no problem, really." I headed back toward the staircase, still not letting go of that nervous energy I'd had since I opened the door.

"You're not going to stay so we can do some catching up?" he asked.

"I actually have some chores I need to be getting to, but we can catch up later."

I lied. The thought of being in a room alone with JC scared me. Not because I was worried about him. But because I was worried about me. I didn't want to feel like something was happening between us and he was only being friendly. I'm 14. I have an overactive imagination. Mixups are more than likely to happen...and often.

Once Justin found out about JC living with me, he threw the option of coming on a road trip to see me. I knew that was only the jealousy speaking. I tried all I could to get him to actually admit that he liked me, but that Justin was a stubborn one. I mean, he had nothing to worry about. Justin did tell me JC had a girlfriend, which that jerk never bothered to tell me. So if JC has a girlfriend and Justin apparently "doesn't like me", what is there to be worried about?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing. If anything, I want Justin to be happy. And in possibly damaging how he thinks I feel about him, I told him he should be out having numerous girlfriends.

"Justin....we're 14 and on different sides of the country. It's not like you're into me or anything, so you should definitely go and check out the girl fishes."

That was my bait. Stubborn Justin let it go RIGHT over his curly head. And as far as I'm concerned, that was the last we spoke of Justin and I as more than friends.

Did things in my house get awkward between JC and myself? No, not really. I mean there was tension, but seems like things were always like that. It was like having my older brother back home, except JC wasn't my brother and didn't look like a troll that lives under a bridge. To be honest if anyone here loved JC more than life, it was my mom. Oh my goodness. She was always complimenting on him for helping or doing something. Yeah, damn right I'm jealous. She doesn't compliment me on anything and I belong to her!

Besides that, one thing I did enjoy the most about JC living here is when he had to use my shower. I'm not pervert or a Peeping Tom, but I liked hearing him sing in the shower. I'd creep out of my room and listen while standing in the hallway. The bonus prize was when he came out the bathroom, hair wet, bare chest, and a towel wrapped around his waist. But after 6 months of sharing the same space, I barely even noticed him anymore.

He had great luck finding a place to live, but guess who left the option open for him to continue renting? Yup, that's right. My damn mother. She said that he shouldn't have to take on more work hours and trying to balance school. You know if she loves him so much she should adopt him. I shouldn't complain, but the only reason I do is because I realize that the longer JC lives here, the more I began to think our age difference didn't matter. I couldn’t wait for the day when it finally didn't.

1997: Not-So-Secret Phone Call

I had my feet kicked upright, resting against the wall, something my mother repeatedly told me not to do and I had the phone attached to, my ears.

"Oh come on Justin, you have to think this through. You can't just up and leave," I explained.

Long story short, Justin wanted to make that road trip dream, real this summer. He figured LA was the best place for him to start his music career, rather than going to Orlando.

"But I have to do this, you know how much making music means to me. I just wanna share it with the world."

"J, I understand, trust me I do, but give it another year or two. At least finish high school before you make a decision," I pleaded.

"Fine, fine. I'll give it another year, but I'm telling you that pictures just aren't doing it for me anymore. I'd rather feel your body instead of looking at it," he flirted.

I rolled my eyes, trying to keep a straight face. It didn't work. I couldn't stop smiling. Sigh. How old was I again? I really did think I grew out of that.

"Justin, you're sick."

"Oh come on, don't act like you wouldn't rather feel my body, too."

I bit my lip, twirling my hair between my fingers. "Well of course, you here in person would always be better than you in a picture. But you're not so....pictures are fine."

"Zahra....what if I WAS there?" he asked.

"I don't know, guess we'd hang out?" I knew what he was getting at, but he had to work for it. I wasn't gonna easily give in.

"You wouldn't wanna kiss me?" he asked, the tone of his voice changed.

It was deeper, smoother, and quieter.

"J...."

"Answer the question," he demanded.

"Of course I would...," I said.

"And you'd let me kiss you?"

"Yeah."

"Anywhere I wanted?" he asked.

"Anywhere like....?"

Come on, Timberlake. Play the game.

"I guess I'd start at your lips, then your neck, and eventually....I'd wanna kiss your breasts..."

Justin wanted phone sex. We'd never even had a conversation with the slightest innuendo of sexual interest between us before. We joked around, but never this. These 16-year old hormones obviously took it's toll. I was ready to respond when I heard a small cough. I shot up. I looked over at the bottom of my closed door, and saw a shadow move away. My mom wasn't at home. Fucking JC!

"J?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"I'm gonna have to call you back. Talk later?" I said.

"I sure hope so."

I hung up the phone and shot out the door. The bathroom door was closed and the shower was on, but I didn't care. I banged on the door.

"JC, I need to talk to you!" I yelled.

"I'm in the shower!" he yelled back.

"Don't care, come out now!" I yelled again.

The water shut off and the door swung open. Wish I waited, because yelling at him wet and only wearing a towel makes things difficult.

Damn.

"You were eavesdropping at my door!" I pointed my finger in his chest, purely for anger purposes. I promise.

"So? You were only talking to Justin," he replied.

"Aha! So you admit you were spying on me?"

"Yeah, pretty much," he shrugged. Okay this isn't going how I want it to.

"W-- I-- Y--. Uh, well, well you better stop or, or, I'll kick your butt."

Was that really the best I could come up with? He stared at me with an eyebrow raised and I turned in my heels to walk away.

"If that was phone sex, then Hell must have frozen over," he commented.

I stopped and went back to the bathroom. "Excuse me?"

"You and Justin. Your "phone sex".....it was weak."

"At least I'm getting some form of sex," I snapped.

The second I placed my foot down to walk off, JC grabbed me by the arm and pushed me against the door. I was terrified. Was he gonna hit me? Or hurt me in some way? I know it was dramatic to think any of that, but I didn’t know what would happen next. I stared up at him, frightened, on the verge of tears, breathing heavily. JC raised his hand, and while I thought he was about to hit me, he pushed my hair out of my face. His thumb caressed my cheek.

The sexual tension was high, very thick. His hands settled on my shoulders, rubbing down my arms. He intertwined our fingers and kissed the back of my hand before letting go. His fingers wrapped around my chin, he pulled me closer. Then it happened. Our lips met. And it was everything a girl would want her first kiss to be.

This wasn't real. It couldn't have been. JC was kissing me, I was kissing JC. My fingertips grazed over his skin and I felt the electricity flow through them. This was as real as it gets. His lips brushed up against mine gently, I caught every breath he released. My hands rubbed across his waist, and up his back. He grabbed me by the waist, pulling my body closer against his own. I felt him beneath the towel, encouraging me and I slid my tongue into his mouth. He grabbed onto my butt, pulling me in even tighter as he let his own tongue settle inside my mouth. I pulled back, to catch my breath. I looked up into his eyes and began to unbutton my shirt. I got midway before he grabbed my hands, stopping me.

"I'm sorry, I gotta....I need to...bye."

JC raced off and I was left standing alone in my bathroom. My mind was blown, literally and figuratively. My heart was racing, adrenaline was rapidly moving through my veins, my body was hot.

What.....just....happened? I splashed cold water on my face and walked back into my room. I sat down on my bed. JC kissed me, I didn't stop him.....and he didn't want to stop. Yup, that summed up everything. But I couldn't just sit here. We had to talk. If we don't speak about it, it'll be even more awkward again and again, over and over. I made up my mind, got up, and started toward the basement.

I came to the door, and I got a familiar sensation. I froze. I froze a-freakin'-gain. I took a few deep breaths and as I lifted my hand up to knock, the door opened with JC behind it. I guess great minds really do think alike. I opened my mouth to speak, when JC put his finger over my lips. He took me by the shoulders and kissed me for the second time.

He held the sides of my face, I drug my fingers through his hair, making the kiss deeper as he backed me against the counter. Before I could blink, JC lifted me on top of it. We pulled back staring into each other's eyes. How was he doing this to me? I was thinking things I
didn't think of before. He pulled the skin of my neck in between his teeth and ravaged me. I all of a sudden made a sound I'd never made before.

"Did you just moan?" JC asked.

I chose not to answer and he went back to placing kisses on my neck, trailing the tip of his tongue on sensitive spots.

"Mmm." I just moaned again. What the hell? What was he....fuck that feels so good.

"I could be better than any phone sex with Justin," he whispered into my ear, causing a chill that iced down my back. I'm sure th....did he just say Justin? Is he kissing me because he wanted to one-up Justin.

"Josh....stop," I managed to get out.

"Are you sure you want me to?" he asked, biting down on his lip. Holy fucking — Stay strong Zahra, he's only doing this because he wanted revenge for what I said.

"I'm sure..."

JC brushed his lips past my ear, gently placing the tip of his tongue against my earlobe. "Okay, if that's what you want."

I moaned, AGAIN, and he slowly released me. I so missed the point of coming down here to talk. He gave me a sly smirk and headed back to the basement. I hopped off the counter and did the 100-yard dash to my bathroom. My underwear was soaked, I had to shower. Curse these hormones. And again, what the hell just...happened?

1997: Jealousy...Or Something Like It

I avoided talking to JC for as long as I possibly could. Sounds like a long time, but really it was only like three days before he cornered me upstairs in the hallway.

"JC....move please," I said.

"No, not until you talk to me. If this is because of the kiss, I didn't mean to get so caught up. I don't know what came over me." JC innocently bit his lip, placing his arm up over my head so he could lean in closer to me. My heart started beating fast. I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like an idiot, I glanced up into his eyes and ended up getting pulled right in.

"Josh....I'm 16, remember?" I reminded.

JC looked away from me. "I know, that's what makes this all so confusing for me."

"We both know that the only reason you kissed me was because you were angry about what I said to you. Not because you like me or because you're considerate of my feelings. You took away my first kiss and I’m sure you only did it for revenge....maybe even competition," I ranted.

"Your first kiss? Zah--"

"You know what gets me? Why do you even care what goes on between me and Justin? We're kids right? You were the one who pushed us together. Why is it that now, you still want me to be the little girl who giggled every time you spoke to me? Why do you need to have the upper hand over me, JC?" I asked. I was now angry. He used me to support his macho ego and I wanna know why. I deserve to know why.

JC looked me square in the face and walked away from me. No answer. No debate. He walked away. I became frustrated, but mostly I was hurt. I thought he was my friend, I thought I was his. No way did I know I was some game to be conquered. I went into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I had to call Justin. At least he was still the closest thing to a genuine friend I had.

"Hey Zee, you sound so upset. What's going on?" he asked me.

"Nothing, just a little tired, that's all. Finals are coming up, it's almost the end of the school year," I responded.

"I feel your pain. I'm so ready to be done with school. I told you that I'll be doing home-schooling so I can graduate earlier, right?" he said.

"Yeah, I remember. I hope that goes well, I wouldn't wanna give my mom the chance to hit me with a ruler more times in a day," I teased.

"Ha. Ha. I forgot to tell you, I'll be seeing you in a couple weeks. Anyway, so yesterday wa--"

"Hold it!" I exclaimed.

"What?" I could imagine him smiling devilishly.

"H...Who...how is that possible? I thought you promised me you'd wait before you moved out here." I was so excited I didn't even know what to say.

"I'm not moving, I'm keeping the promise. Only for a two week visit, just so I can get a feel for LA.....and finally see you. It's been so long. And it was JC, he paid for my ticket and everything. Wasn't that cool of him?"

He didn't. Tell me JC didn't. What's he up to?

"Yeah it was. Um, so you'll be staying in the basement with him?" I asked.

"Yeah. The best part is....we'll, um, get to feel each other's bodies," he laughed. I giggled quietly. It was the first time I actually smiled in days.

"Justin you'd better be good when you're here. I don't want any girlfriends coming after me," I joked.

"You're gonna come after yourself?" he asked. I didn't get it at first and once it set in, I was shocked.

"Wait what? What are you getting at, Justin?"

"I know that I've avoided talking about a me and you, but now that I plan on moving out there, I don't think I can anymore. I've always liked you Zahra, I just never knew how to say it. And I know I'm asking for a lot, but I need to see how far this can go.....and if you're willing..."

"I'm willing," I said. It was the first thing that I thought and it came out. So I know it had to be a genuine response, truthful.

"Really? I mean...really?" he said.

"Yes really. Why are you so shocked?" It sounded as if he didn't even believe me.

"Come on Zee, I'd have to be blind not to see your obvious crush on JC," he replied.

I sighed heavily. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. “Justin, please...."

"What? For all I know you could be dating him," he said. I choked. I coughed. I was fine.

"Dating? Have you forgotten how illegal that is?" I asked.

"In about a year or two, 4 and a half year age difference won't matter, Zahra," he replied.

"Trust me, even when I'm 21, you won't have anything to worry about," I assured.

"You don't know that. Things change, people change.....you'll change."

He sounded really worried, when he had no reason to be. Me and JC had nothing to do with one another relationship-wise because there wasn't one. One kiss for JC's own revenge hardly counts. Right?

"But how I feel about you, won't," I said.

"I hope not. But anyway, I'm excited. Four years is way too long. We'd have to get to know each other physically, I mean not like THAT, but like....you know, getting used to the different changes and mannerisms."

I smiled. "I get what you mean, J. The last pictures you sent me, I barely even recognize you. I'm digging the slicked down look, WAY better than the bleached blonde. Matter of fact, never do that again," I teased.

"Oh shut up, I told you I was experimenting and got carried away. I like this toned down color though, and pretty soon my natural hair color'll be sproutin' out."

"Oh my gosh, you should let it just grow all the way out. I LOVED your hair when it was curly," I suggested.

He chuckled. "The only reason you did is because you used to put your fingers in my hair and rub my scalp. Now that I think about it, maybe I will grow my hair out again one day."

"Swe-- Ooop. I can hear your mom calling you. Guess that means we'll talk later?"

"Of course, my sweet."

"Tell your mom I said hi. Later, Curly."

"Bye....whatever nickname I haven't thought of yet."

I laughed and hung up the phone. I knew what I had to do. I slammed my head back into my pillow. Why would JC bring Justin here after what happened between us? Even if it was planned before, why would JC still go through with it? Doesn't matter. Either way, I have to go and say thank you....or something. Pretty sure, no scratch that, positively sure that JC'll clearly mention he did it to see his best friend, not for me. With that notion being dead set in my mind, I rolled off of my bed and reached my hand for the doorknob when a knock startled me. I opened the door and of course, it was JC; my mom NEVER knocks and if I
ever told her to do so, she'd give me this whole speech and then stick her foot down my throat. Honestly, the speech is the killer.

"We truly have gotta stop doing that," I said.

"Um, your mom wanted me to let you know that you bought the wrong brand of canned peaches and....she said some other stuff, but let's just stick to the clean version," JC explained.

"Oh joy. Come in and sit down," I said. JC raised his eyebrows. What, now he doesn't trust me? He shrugged and took a seat on my bed. I sat down next to him, taking the Indian-style sitting pose, for my liking of comfort.

"Look Zahra...I apologize for earlier and everything that happened between us. You were right. I liked the attention you used to give me and once I realized that you were giving it to Justin instead, I wanted to change that. I suppose I'm not accustomed to you not hanging off of my every word. Either way, I shouldn't have come onto you the way I did. And I definitely didn't mean to take away your first kiss. I'm sorry," JC explained.

"Thank you, but you're not the only one who should apologize. It takes two to tango. The kid who hung on your every word, grew up to be the one who still couldn't resist you. I shouldn't have let you think that you were taking advantage of me, because you weren't. I let you kiss me, I wanted you to kiss me, it was mutual," I responded.

"It's fine, totally fine. So...we're good?" JC asked.

I nodded. He pat my shoulder and stood up to leave.

"It wasn't bad," I called out.

JC turned around. "What wasn't bad?"

"My first kiss....it, it wasn't bad. It was great, actually....really great."

"Good. Um....why did you want me to kiss you?" he asked.

"I can be in denial about the crush I had on you, but it wasn’t a secret," I admitted.

"I don’t think it’s a secret now." JC closed the door behind him.

1997: The Long-Awaited Visit

I was so giddy. JC invited me along for the ride in his Jeep. There wasn't much chatter along the way. There wasn't much chatter for the two weeks up until today, either. I had a lot on my mind, as did he. He admitted to knowing I like him, he never said when he found out though. I never thought about how warped he must feel. I can't imagine how weird the feeling is. Especially since I’m sure the younger MMC girls had crushes on him, too. I didn't think about it at all. It only bothered me because I didn't think about how he might’ve felt. It bothered me because we weren't talking. Is this all my fault?

"Stop the car," I said.

"I'm in the middle of the road, I can't stop."

"Then pull over, please." He didn't ask questions and pulled over to the sidewalk.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I don't like what's been going on between us lately. So before we get Justin, we have to fix it. And fix it now," I replied.

He nodded his head. "Okay. What's to fix?"

"Let's try being open and honest with each other. When did you realize I had a crush on you?" I had to make this quick and to the point. So there'd be no time to think, and the first response was the most honest.

"After I moved here I started to realize it. In getting to know who you really are, it became more obvious," he replied. "Why were you in denial about liking me?"

"You're older. Nothing would ever happen between us, so what was the point in fawning over you? None," I bluntly replied.

"People grow up and things change. I mean, I knew, but you weren't aggressive about it either."

"What about you, JC? Is there anything you feel about me?" I asked.

"We're friends, nothing more nothing less," he replied. “Where are your feelings right now?”

"Truthfully, I can't say that I don't like you anymore. It takes time to stop after I have for so long. But we don't have to avoid each other. I don't want to avoid you."

"I don't want that either, but I get it. We kissed, and you don't want it to happen again. But it won't, I don't want to confuse you anymore. I promise it won't happen again."

It didn't matter if it happened ever again, all that mattered was things were out in the open. I didn't want to act like there was nothing between us, when there clearly was. Obviously was, at least on my part. He was right, there was no telling what the future held. But I couldn't predict the future, I was only certain about right now.

"I understand," I said.

"Great. Now can I un-pull over so we can pick up a probably pissed Justin Timberlake?" he smiled.

I chuckled and nodded. Justin. My stomach was in knots thinking about the moment when I'd finally see him. There was so much we had to catch up on in only two weeks. The only reason my mom didn't care was because she didn't see either of them as a threat. If she only knew.

The Jeep came to slowing stop in front of the airline Justin gave JC. I rubbed my hands over my knees and exhaled.

"You should go find him," JC suggested. I looked at him, and it must've been obvious I was nervous. "You'll be fine, Zee. Go on."

I got out of the car, looking around in case he was outside. I realized that all I knew of Justin was from pictures. I knew what he looked like, but he changed. He's a lot older and probably not as short as he was before. How would I even be able to tell it's...

"Justin!" I screamed. As I ran over to him, his face brightened with a smile. I jumped into his arms, hugging him. The tears flew out of my eyes before I could catch them, I was so happy to finally see him again. The way his arms felt when they were wrapped around me, his fingers on my back, made me forget about everything prior to that current moment. He smelled so good.

We broke out of our embrace and I took one good look at him, top to bottom. He was taller, so much taller. His hair was different, but his face was as angelic as they came. Eyes were still that beautiful blue, and his smile still evoked a fluttering in the pit of my stomach.

"Damn," I said.

He laughed. "I was just thinking that."

"Come on." I grabbed one of his bags and led him to the Jeep. I watched as Justin and JC giddily greeted one another. They were too cute for their own good. I willingly gave up the front seat so Justin could get in his male bonding. I loved listening to him speak. His voice was smooth and soothing. Or maybe to me it was. I stood a little and reached in between both the seats and flipped on the radio.

"Wow, I see at least two things that weren't there when we were 12. My how they've grown," Justin teased. I gasped and smacked his arm. And.....yeah, I was giggling like a fool. As I sat back and put on my seatbelt, JC turned up the stereo. "Don't Speak" by No Doubt was playing. JC quickly tried to turn it down.

"Josh!" I yelled.

"Oh God," he said.

Justin looked at us like we were both crazy.

"She blasts this song all the time at home. All the time," he explained.

"I really feel like I'm losing my best friend, I can't believe this could be, the end," I sang.

Justin turned his head to smile at me. "Me and Jace will show you how it's done."

"Oh yeah? Go on then, hotshots," I challenged.

"Ready C?" he asked. JC looked up at me through the top mirror and smiled.

"Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin', so please stop explainin', don't tell me cause it hurts."

I should have never challenged them. They had to throw harmonies and everything all up in the song.

"Okay! Simon and Garfunkel, no one likes show-offs," I laughed. They both giggled like small children. I found it cute how close they really were. "You guys sounded great together. Sure put chills down my spine."

"Thank you, I've been trying to get JC to consider doing this music thing with me, but you know JC." JC nudged Justin and shook his head.

The next song that came on was "Wannabe" by Spice Girls. Let's just say, I was surprised that they knew more of the words than I did. Justin even did the dance when he got out of the Jeep. The words to describe how I was feeling was beyond the description itself. I haven't laughed so hard and had so much fun. JC was so much more different when Justin was around and their chemistry together was almost explosive. From singing to a simple joke, it was fun.

"You get two tours. JC's basement, and then everywhere else," I joked.

"Ha. Ha," JC said as he gave me the finger. I laughed as I opened the fridge. "He can go on yours first. I wanna go hide all my candy.....that I don't have."

I waved him off and pulled Justin. I showed him the living room, dining room, downstairs bathroom, then took him upstairs and showed him my mom's room, my brother's room, the bathroom, and the not course, my room. I opened the door and the light shoe through from the blinds.

"Wow, sweet." He walked around my room, acknowledging my posters. He
stopped at my huge bulletin board and it had every single picture that he, JC, and Cel sent me over the years. "I can't believe you kept all
of these."

"Of course I did. They're all I have of the people I met during one of the best times of my life." He looked at me and smiled. Holy crap. My smile was for sure, wider than the next two blocks.

"Have you talked to Cel, lately?" he asked.

"No, not recently, she's in the midst of moving to Arizona with her Dad. College life gets crazy I guess."

"I was so nervous about seeing you. I didn't sleep at all last night." His comment was so off-topic, sorta threw me for a loop.

"Really? Why, it's just me." I felt embarrassed. He was nervous about seeing......me? I was nervous about seeing HIM.

"Not to me....with you it's different. I can talk to you about things I wouldn't wanna tell JC and you understand. It's weird, I know, cause phones and letters. But it makes me seeing you so much better. I probably sound super cheesy." He waved off his comment, leaning against the wall.

"No, it's not cheesy. It's sweet, really. I feel the same way about you. I can't tell Celeste everything, she's 19, I don't want her to
think I'm uncool or anything. You understand and you get me."

I walked over to where he was leaning and intertwined our fingers. I didn't feel scared with Justin, and that actually scared me even more. I bravely looked up at him, waiting for his eyes to meet mine. When he did look down, there was a sense of fear in his eyes that I was all too familiar with.

"Justin....you don't have to be scared of me."

"That's what's so scary....because I'm not."

"Kiss me..."

Time out. Where the hell did THAT come from? Kiss me? Who's all of a sudden bold now? I didn't have time to think about it because almost immediately Justin's lips were against mine. My fingers caressed the back of his neck. I could tell that he was afraid of being too forward and kept his hands on my waist. His lips were soft, lightly damp, and a little red after bit on his bottom lip when I pulled away. I felt all these weird feelings that were new and exhilarating, all at once. Our first kiss....I mean, well, you know what I'm trying to say. Go with it.

"Thirteen days together and you kiss me like that on the first day? I'm trying to go back home a virgin," he whispered into my ear. I pushed him, and we hugged. I soon realized how much I was liking the feeling of his body so close to mine with his hands on my lower back.

"Come on, let's go back downstairs before J--"

"A tour doesn't take five hours. Are you showing him that weird Care Bear collection, Zee?!" JC called.

We have GOT to stop doing that.

"Before JC grounds me," I said rolling my eyes as we walked downstairs into the kitchen. "I'd hardly talk about my Care Bear collection when you collect menu's from the Hard Rock Cafe."

He squinted his eyes at me and I laughed. He doesn't know how cute he looks when he does it and I’ll never tell him. I watched as him and Justin disappeared down into the basement. I shook my head and went into the living room to watch Nickelodeon. Justin was here. JC was here. And I was here. I liked this.

The fun didn't seem to stop. As a pair or in threes, it was always crazy fun. Justin and I were out in my driveway playing one on one,
which we both were terribly cheating at. JC was out somewhere and my mom was in the kitchen making some brownies for us to snack on. I wasn't sure about the score because like I said, we were cheating anyway. I had the ball in my hand, dribbling down the pavement and
Justin was right behind me, trying to steal the ball. Which he could've easily done, because he's always been some huge basketball star. He towered over me, enclosed his arms around my waist, and spun me around so I was torn from the ball. I, of course, didn't mind in the least.

"Justin! Put me down!" I laughed. I felt my feet touch the ground, but his grip around my waist was still tight.

"I'm not ready to let go yet," he spoke into my ear.

"Apparently," I smiled. I felt his lips against my cheek, along with the body heat of his tall frame, and out of the corner of my eye I saw
half of his smile. I wanted to melt in his arms. With my track record so far, I probably didn't even have to melt. Nonetheless, it felt nice....romantic....extremely sexy.

"It's gonna be crucial when I leave, isn't it?" he asked, his fingers grazing the hemline of my basketball shorts.

"I don't wanna think about it. As long as you're here now, let's make the most of it. Come on, let's go see if the brownies are done." I gently broke from his grip and held onto a few of his fingers, pulling him inside.

"Your mom is such a great cook," Justin said as he bit into his third brownie.

"Are you sure you're not just really hungry?" I asked, shaking my head.

"Are you offering a place I can have something to taste?" he asked, a flirtatious smile plastered across his face.

I giggled. "Shut up, you're such a pervert." I quickly shushed him once I heard footsteps approaching the kitchen.

"Zahra, I have to go run some errands, I'll be back later. I should be home to make dinner, but if I'm not, I'm leaving money to order pizza," my mom said.

Order pizza? Who was this WOMAN?! God forbid I ask for pizza. I get the whole, "You know vegetables are healthier" speech. I HATE that speech. I looked at her in confusion. Take it Zahra, before she changes her mind!

"Okay mom, bye."

"Bye Ms. Camden," Justin said.

"Bye guys."

The door closed and I got up to check when she pulled off. I turned to look at Justin, folding my arms. His eyes darted around and he looked behind his back.

"What?" he asked.

"Okay, my mom loves you. She's letting me order pizza. She'd never let me even ask for pizza if you weren't here."

"Aw, that sucks. But look on the bright side, she DID leave us here alone. That's a big one," Justin teased.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, let's go chill in the living room. What do you wanna watch?"

"I don't know, throw on what you have."

I looked through our videotapes: Sister Act, Sister Act 2, Def Comedy Jam, Nutty Professor, Toy Story, The Lion King, Bad Boys, Pulp Fiction....I passed my fingers through the binding of tapes, what to watch?

"Bad Boys?" I asked.

"Sure."

I set up the movie and fast forwarded through all the previews I practically knew by heart. Once the movie started, Justin placed his
arm around my shoulder, so I slid over closer to him and laid my head on his. I felt his finger rub across the bottom of my chin, raising my
head up. I felt so safe being in Justin's arms. Our lips touched and I couldn't help but smile on the inside.

His hand rubbed up and down my back, feeling my tongue enter his mouth. It was a battle of wrestling, until I finally gave in and let him control the direction of our heated kiss. I could slowly feel my body lowering until my back was on the couch. Once I felt his body on top of mine, my teenage hormones began to rage and explode. His hands were cautious while traveling down my body to snake between my thighs. His fingers rubbed me from the exterior of my basketball shorts. I moaned softly.

"What are we about to do?" I asked.

"Nothing, if you don't want to," he replied.

"I think I--" I heard the door unlock. Justin and I froze. Another lock clicked and I quickly pushed him off of me. We sat up straight and
placed distance between ourselves. We tried to act like nothing had happened, but instead we looked at one another and started to giggle.

"What's so funny?" JC asked. That just catapulted into more giggling. JC sighed heavily. "Oh to be 16, again."

1997: It Strikes Again. No, really.

One thing I hated more than the morning was having to wake up to someone screaming my name. And JC at that, screaming my name. Stop. Before your perverted minds leave you. Trust me, in any context.....it's still not sexy at 9 am.

"What?!!?!!" I called back groggily.

"Come down for breakfast!"

JC can't cook, though. Wait, I don't need to spare him, I'll tell him that in person. I got up and walked out of my room, to use the
bathroom. I spent a little bit longer in the bathroom than usual, because I wanted super fresh breath in case Justin attacked me, and I
willingly accepted. Which takes no genius to figure out that I would. When I was done, I put on a pair of tube socks and stuffed my feet into my CareBear slippers. I finally made my way downstairs and I expected that no one would even notice.

Other than brush my teeth longer than the normal four minutes, my hair was still in a messy bun, my pj top was an old Michael Jackson shirt, and I had on some shorts I stole from my brother years ago. Not to mention the tube socks and slippers. Huh. Maybe they would notice, I look like one of the Lost Boys from Neverland. But, the last thing I'm trying to be is pretty in the morning during the early start of summer break. Absolute furthest thing from my mind.

"JC, you burn boiling water so I can't even begin to understand why you'd wake me up at 9 talking about breakfast," I said.

JC sucked his teeth and swatted a potholder at me. "You shut your dirty mouth. I didn't cook breakfast, your Prince Charming did."

I looked over at Justin and he smiled, shaking his head. I desperately wanted to throw a whole pot at JC for that remark. But violence isn't the answer, especially when there's a witness present.

"Really? My Prince Charming?" I repeated.

"I could call him your boyfriend if it makes you feel better," he suggested.

He looked at me. I studied his eyes. They weren't how they usually were, warm and gentle. Instead, I was staring at ice; cold, detached, and sharp. I couldn't even continue to keep eye contact with him. Did I miss something? JC can't possibly be irritated because he thinks I'm with Justin. Can he? I haven't even made my decision yet about being in a relationship with him.

"Ahem, um, Justin I didn't know you could cook," I proceeded.

"Yeah, I'm not Emeril, but I can do the basic stuff like pancakes and such. Plus, I wanted to do somethin' nice for you both since I'll be
back in Tennessee soon," he replied.

"That's so sweet, thank you, I definitely appreciate it."

"And next time I come visit, I want JC to make me breakfast," he teased.

"Oh yeah, sure, I'll make you a Poptart," JC chuckled.

"I'm sure I can help him learn to cook. Why don't we start now while you go shower and get ready, Justin?" I suggested.

"You don't have to tell me twice, I can do without my eyebrows getting burned off."

Justin ran off before JC could get him. Good. JC and I needed to talk, again. Or better yet, I wanted to talk, interrogate, and he could listen.

"Why'd you do that?" JC asked.

"Because we obviously need to talk again," I replied.

"Talk about what?" he asked again.

"About why you were looking at me like that a few minutes ago. JC, let's cut the bullshit, you lied to me. You said that we were nothing
more than friends. You know that's not true. Justin and I aren't together. So I really don't need the evil eye from you."

"Zahra....whatever."

"I'm trying to be open with you, Josh, because I'm usually not. Why can't you work with me?" I questioned. Why can't you EVER work with me,
Josh? Goodness.

"Maybe I don't wanna be open with you, Zahra. Maybe I wanna keep the confusion I have to myself. Maybe I don't like that you and Justin being together bothers me in the back of my mind," he replied.

I sighed heavily. "JC be ashamed about liking me, I don't care. But don’t take it out on me. Besides, anything that happened before, I LET happen."

"I know you're trying to make it sound better, but it’s not."

"You're so dramatic, JC.”

"I feel like a dirty old man," JC said.

I shook my head. "Dirty old man? You're only 20. It's not like we're having sex or in a relationship. I mean...didn't you date
Nikki? Nikki was 15, wasn't she?"

"That's different, she's only three years younger than I am. Not five," he replied.

"Whatever. You’re not screwing my brains
out, alright? We kissed once. It’s not a big deal."

"Screwed your brains out? Sometimes I really wonder if you are 16, with the way you speak. It’s a big deal to me, Zahra..."

"Fine. You know, I remember telling you that one day you wouldn't think of me as some kid anymore. I’m not too far away from becoming a woman. Pretty soon the worry will go away, and you’ll ache for me...."

1997: The Last Day

Justin and I spent a lot of time talking to each other about how we could approach "us". It was hard, because I didn't want a long distance relationship. We were kids, how were we going to maintain such a complicated relationship up until he moved here? That alone was an investment of two years. What if he met someone else? What if I met someone else? This was going to take much more than I think we'll be ready to handle. But Justin is so adamant about this and if he believes in it so strongly, I should, too. But....I don't know.

By the time he was all packed up and ready to go, I'd made my decision. I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't. If I took a risk now and it
didn't work, I know I'd end up regretting it. We were up in my room, hanging out while JC got ready. He was laying across my lap looking up
at me, my fingers were caressing his soft and short curls.

"So you're really sure about this, Zahra?" Justin asked me.

"Yes, for the last time yes," I smiled.

"I'm only making sure. And because I'd like it if you changed your mind."

"I'm not gonna put you in that kind of position. Just be sure to call me when you get in, doesn't matter the time," I said. He nodded.

"Come on children, let's go!" JC called.

"Yes, Daddy C!" We both called back. I silently chuckled at JC's frustrated sigh.

I climbed into the backseat and my mood changed. I was feeling all the fun and happiness being drained out of me. It was only normal to miss someone after they leave. I was eerily silent, counting down the days
of how long it would be before I saw him again. I wiped a tear away from my eye. I'll be fine, I'm fine. It's not good-bye forever, Zahra.
I got out and waited for Justin as he said his good-bye and thank you to JC. It really was sweet of Josh to invite Justin here. I definitely
had to say thank you.

Justin's bags were sitting on the pavement as he smiled at me. I managed a tiny, closed-mouth one in return, it's not like I was really
in the mood to smile. He took my arm and pulled my body into his. I was reluctant to hug him back; if I did, I'd have to let go. I didn't want to have to let go. I was aware of me being very selfish. I didn't know what else to do since I was hellbent on not crying.

"Hug me, Zahra. Please."

I was still being stubborn until Justin kissed me. And kissed me well. I gradually placed my arms around his neck, embracing him tightly, and I allowed my tears to flow freely. I was too young to be feeling such strong emotions for someone. Especially someone that lived on the other side of the country. I let my lips linger on his bottom one, I just wanted to feel his fingers crawl down my back. I stared into his deep,
blue eyes, and for the first time in my life, I felt love. A shared love.

"Don't cry, Zee. I won't be gone for long, I promise," Justin comforted.

"I'm really gonna miss you," I said.

"Look, JC'll take care of you while I'm gone. I've gotta go. I'll talk to you soon."

I let go of Justin; I watched him grab his backpack and walk into the airport. We waved to one another for the last time, and I walked back to the car. I got in, wiping my face before I put on my seatbelt.

"Thank you, JC. For inviting him, even if it wasn't for me. Thank you."

"You're welcome. And....I'd do anything for you, Zahra. Remember that."

JC'll take care of me....

1997: Calls and Changes

It was the beginning of winter. Things were going well between JC and I, we didn't have another incident. But I don't, in any way, believe that he hasn't wanted to kiss me. Why do I believe that? Because that would mean I haven't wanted to....and that's a lie. It WAS my first kiss and it was with JC, there's no way I'd forget it even if I wanted to. It was almost breathtaking, that kiss. I'm not saying it was better or worse than Justin's, but a kiss from JC was different than a kiss from Justin. Example? Just recall that shower I had to take after he kissed me.

That was then, though. I'm gonna be a year older in about two months, JC's already 21 and moved on with his new girlfriend. I can't stand her, but that's not because I'm jealous or anything. She's just a deceiving, gold-digging, trying to make a name for herself trash bag . Excuse my French. That sounds like jealousy, but I swear it isn't. It's merely the sound of me trying to protect someone who means a lot to me. JC's so sweet and when he's in love, that's it. He can't see anything past his love.

That girl, Bambi, Bonnie, whatever her damn name is, she's using him. I want to tell him, but I know it's not my business nor my place to do
so. I am tempted though, because I care so much and I can't see him get hurt. But....I guess I'll have to stand by him until he sees it for himself. And I'm gonna live on the prayer that it's in the next month or so. I--

"Zahra!!!!!"

I dashed downstairs. I didn't even know I could run that fast in my house without at least smacking into a wall. My heart was in my mouth as I sprawled my arms across the kitchen counter. JC was standing there
with a huge smile on his face. If this is about that Bambi broad, I'm throwing ice at him.

"You.....scared.....the....shit....out of me," I said, still catching my breath.

"Oh, sorry. I have something to tell you."

"No, I will not be a witness if you elope," I said. JC squinted his eyes at me and sighed heavily.

"NO, I have different news," he said.

"Well.....I'm waiting." I've been such a brat to him lately, but it's all out of love. My sarcasm gets the best of me sometimes.

"I'm thinking about joining a group!" he exclaimed.

Okay? He yelled like that because he's gonna be in a band? Where's a brick when you need one? JC's happiness changed once he noticed he wasn't getting the same response from me.

"You're not excited. Why are you not excited for me?" he asked.

"Because you have yet to explain anything to me, Joshua sweetie," I mocked. Okay, now I'm being a total asshole.

"If you're gonna give me attitude, then forget it," he snapped.

"Look, tell me what you have to tell me," I sighed.

"You've been snapping at me all day, what's your problem?" he asked.

"PMS, now tell me."

......I lied. I haven't been too nice since he's been with Bernie. But if I said, "Don't worry about it", he'd NEVER stop questioning me.

"Well, Justin called me and said that a friend of his, Chris Kirkpatrick, is putting together a group and J wants me in it. I'd have to go down to Orlando for a couple of weeks and see how things work out," he explained.

Whoa, wait a DAMN minute. When was Justin gonna tell me this? He's only been away from LA for about five months! And why Orlando? Now JC'll be leaving? This is moving so fast.....or I'm moving too fast. Either way,
what happens if both of them decide to join the group? Will they forget about me? Will I ever see them again?

"So, so what are you gonna do?" I asked.

"I don't know yet. I'm thinking I wanna do it. I mean J's gonna be there and.....I just have a good feeling about this," he replied. I'd never seen him so excited before. He really wants to do this.

"I think.....I think you should do it," I suggested.

"Really?"

"Yeah, opportunities like this are a dime a dozen. I've listened to you and Justin sing, even when you thought I didn't hear, and you guys have something special. You, um, you should definitely go and see how things
work out," I replied.

I already felt tears coming on at the thought of JC leaving. I haven't had to deal with him being so far away in a good while. It was almost foreign. I'm such a baby. And being a voice of the wise, of course, JC read my response in a completely different way.

"You know....it'll be okay to miss me," he teased.

Ugh. Miss you? Miss YOU? Unintentional jerk, you know me WAY too well. You can't catch a joke but you can understand me? How did I let THAT happen?

"Shut up! Just call whoever back and tell him, yes you're coming to Orlando," I smiled.

"Thank you. Whether you believe me or not, your support matters to me." I smiled and he gave me one of those sibling hair ruffles before going back to his sanctuary. You know, where someone puts their hand on your
head and tousles your hair? Ahh! I hate that!

"What the hell, Chasez? I'm almost 17!!" I called down into the basement.

"An almost 17 cute kid!!" he called back.

"Damn him," I whispered.

I wonder what's gonna happen with this group thing? Are they trying to do a New Kids On The Block kind of group or a Nirvana grunge type of gr......definitely New Kids On The Block. I wonder what was being talked about on the phone. I can't imagine what would happen if they were famous now, compared to MMC. How were they even gonna go about this? I don't know what'll happen, but I just hope they have a plan.

1997: One Is The Loneliest Number...love that song.

It only took a matter of one week and JC was packing his bags for Orlando. I don't do very well with good-bye's if it isn't noticeable. I
always say I'm not gonna cry and what do I do? I cry. Not even a cute cry, either. But those gross ones which you're supposed to naturally
let it be cute but instead you hold back and it's ugly. Hate those.

JC was so nervous about going. He didn't think he was gonna be good enough and was worried about if the other person didn't want him in the group. He was having a classic "Joshua Scott" meltdown. I named it because it was so unique to him. He was so talented and he never thought so. It humbled him, but it also made me wonder why he felt insecure.

"Joshua!" I yelled.

His lips stopped moving and I let out a sigh of relief. So he CAN close his mouth. I would not have guessed it. He stared at me with his worried face, waiting for me to say something. The only plus to seeing that expression? He looked so damned adorable. There, I said it. Okay. Whoo.

"Let's sing a song," I said as I walked over to his stereo. I switched it on and picked the channel based on what I heard. Something caught my ear and I turned the volume up. It was the perfect song.

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth

I went back to helping JC fold his clothes into his suitcase. My head was down, but I could feel his eyes piercing me. I wanted him to stop
worrying and the only way I knew how, was if he was singing instead. I could hear him faintly hum, and he didn't produce not one off-note.

And tell me that we belong together
And dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I was so into listening to the song and folding, I hadn't noticed how many of JC's boxer briefs I touched. It was bittersweet. Like, gross this is so wonderful, sort of.....nevermind. I started to giggle at one pair until my attention was snapped directly in front of me. JC was singing.

And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

That feeling I got when I heard JC's voice was indescribable. It's hard to explain because I feel like, no one else felt the exact way I did
when I heard him sing. I almost wanted to get a candle and light it so I could wave it in the air. But before I could even think about finding
one, I heard the stereo's volume lower.

"Thank you, Zee."

"No problem, it was the only way I could get you to shut-up," I teased.

"I feel so mu......did you fold my underwear?" he asked.

"You know, some guys would say thank you and move on," I warned.

"But I'm not like other guys. It's okay if you wanted to touch my unmentionables, it is o-kay."

"I didn't wan.....gahhh, you're so ridiculous," I laughed.

"I'm awesomely ridiculous, thank you." I smiled, shaking my head. "Hey....if this whole group thing turns into something big, we'll still
be close, right?"

I swear it's like he can read my mind. I've been worried about the exact same thing. I've been worried about that ever since he started dating that freakin' Banshee....Bungee...or whatever the hell her damn name is.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" I retorted.

"What? Why?"

"Because you're the one who's gonna be famous, not me," I replied.

"Number one, we don't know what's gonna happen so famous is really a long-shot. And just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'm gonna forget you existed. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even be in LA," JC said.

"A lot of people say that JC, and then next thing you know, we run into each other and you don't acknowledge I'm alive."

That was my overactive imagination at it's best.

"You really need to layoff the drama books and television," he smiled. "What makes you think I'd do that?"

"You're girlfriend is quite the influence."

I was not supposed to say that. I can't believe I just said that. Uh, well.....I can't believe I just said that in front of JC.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What's what supposed to mean? I didn't say anything," I replied quickly.

"Zahra," he began.

"It's not my place, so I'm not saying anything. That was a Freudian slip, let it be."

"Sounds like.....jealousy to me."

I scoffed. "Jealousy? Are you serious? Jealous of what, Boogie? You're nuts."

"Her name is Bobbi, and no not of her.....jealous that I'm with HER."

"Like I said, you’re nuts," I said.

"Come on, Zahra, really? You think I don't know what all you say about my girlfriend? The fact that you don't care to even learn her name is dead giveaway," he pointed out.

"I don't NEED to know her name, I'm not dating her Jace."

"Fine, whatever Zahra. I'll just continue to ignore your deep love for touching my underwear."

"What? I'm not touching your...oh hey, how'd that happen?" I dropped his boxer brief and he laughed.

"I'm definitely gonna miss your antics. Make sure you take care of my Jeep while I'm gone. I'll still send car note payments to you so don't
crash her or I'll crash you," he threatened.

I rolled my eyes. JC was so not threatening with those huge dog slippers on. I wasn't gonna tell him that of course because, you know how guys can be. If he means "business" he means "business". Dork.

"Okay dude. I won't crash your precious Jeep. God forbid someone crashes into me and injures my body," I shot.

He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at me. I knew that look, I saw it when we kissed in the kitchen. He was giving me the eye. "Don't be
stupid, I would never want anything to happen to your body."

"You.....I'm not even gonna say anything." I sat on his bed and re-folded anything I saw just to keep my hands busy.

He chuckled softly and walked away to use the bathroom. JC was something else, and on so many levels other than one. Regardless, I
hope everything goes the way it's supposed to. I want the best for Justin. I want the best for JC.

1997: So Long, Farewell, Au Revoir, Goodbye

Like I said, I wasn't very great at good-bye's. But you know who was worse and it made me quite sick? If you guessed my mom, you'd be
correct. She was freakin' crying! Whose mother is she? Anyway, I grabbed JC and took off before she could even try to chaperone me in the Jeep. Like if it wasn't going to be awkward enough already, I'd want my mom to be there to enjoy the sunlight. I'll pass.

"So who's picking you up from the airport in Orlando?" I asked as we pulled out of the neighborhood.

"Chris and Justin," he replied.

"Chris is the guy who's putting this all together, right? That Killpatrick?"

JC laughed and nodded. "Do you purposely butcher people's names? It's Kirkpatrick. But yeah, we're gonna be looking at another guy as soon as I get in. It's weird but, I know who we're gonna see. We met when after I first moved to Orlando. His name is Joey Fatone."

"Wait, so this guy Chris is taking you and Justin to go check out a guy HE knows named Joey, but YOU already know Joey?" I asked. I needed to clarify and make sure I understood.

"Yeah, sounds about right."

"I don't like to spray the cheese whiz, but...if that's not fate, I don't know what is."

"Does that mean you'll be alright and won't make me cry when I get out the car?" he asked.

"No, I'm still doing that, but I won't be as worried about you and Justin. I think that after today, all of your lives will change forever. I mean, doesn't the mere connection of your lives strike you as destiny?" I asked.

"I haven't decided on that, we're not all in a tough spot yet. Guess I'll have to see," he replied.

"Either way, good luck."

"Do you really mean that?" he asked.

"Of course I do. If pursuing this is what makes you happy, then I'd want it for you. Just promise me that you won't let Justin do anything stupid. I know you're a grown man and the women are probably gonna..... nevermind." I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"You're worried about...potential groupies?" he asked.

"Like I said, you're a grown man so I know better than to think you wouldn't sleep with any of them or other girls at that. Be safe."

"Zee.....are you asking me not to sleep around with anyone else?" he asked. I didn't respond. No, that's not what I was saying.....at least
I don't think it was. "I can't even begin to understand how YOU'D be the one worried about me sleeping around when.....my own girlfriend isn't."

Welp, I've already expressed how "smart" I think SHE is.

"You're my friend, I wouldn't want you to do anything stupid or hurtful to them," I said bluntly.

"Right.....come help me with some of this stuff, please."

I nodded. I waited for him to get out of the Jeep and I dropped my head against the steering wheel. Sometimes I just wish I knew when to shut up. I said too much, and too much of nothing I initially never wanted
to say. I finally stepped out and began to help him with his things. I placed his duffle on the curb and he closed the door back. I leaned on
the back of the Jeep, looking down at my shoes. This wasn't the sweet, normal goodbye I was hoping for. It was weird and awkward, it was nipping at my brain.

"Hey," JC softly called.

I looked up and he was staring down at me. I noticed how watery his eyes were. Was he actually on the verge of tears? In an instant, I was broken right into millions of pieces. Oh no, I wasn't gonna cry. Nope, not.....no, damn it no. What the hell was wrong with me? I don't think I've ever cried so much until the moment JC and Justin came into my life. All it took was that first tear and I was embraced; pressed
against a rock hard chest. I kept my arms locked around his torso, that was the easy part. The difficulty lied in letting go.

"I'll miss you, too," JC said.

"I don't know if I'll be ready to do this all the time if you guys get famous."

"You'll get used to it. And.....you don't have to worry about my girlfriend influencing me," he assured.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because me and you have something that she and I don't," he replied.

I......I was confused. Safe to say that much, at least. We have something? What was he talking about? We shouldn't have anything, if
you ask me. But nonetheless, I was curious.

"Which is what?"

"A sort of...forbidden lust..."

He whispered it so gently into my ear, I felt my knees almost start to give out. My blood started pumping quickly, shooting through my body. My senses were awakened. I felt the faint breath from his mouth pull away from my ear and his eyes were locked onto mine. Before I could even think a thought, JC pulled my chin and pressed his lips against mine. He swiftly touched his tongue against my own, grabbing the back of my neck to deepen our kiss. I felt his groan all through my body,
his teeth pulling on my bottom lip, before he released me.

"Bye Zahra."

He winked at me before grabbing his bags and heading inside the airport. I was still standing behind the Jeep, in total awe.

"Wow..."

My house was so different without JC being there. Things felt almost the exact way when my brother left for college. I already got used to missing Justin so much it hurt, but now having to miss them both again
in such a long time, I hated it. My life went on of course, I didn't sulk around, but things were definitely different. I spent my 17th birthday with my mom and a few friends from school. Justin nor JC forgot though, they called up with their bandmates and sang me happy birthday. It was by far the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. The only thing that did totally explode my brain was that kiss. JC's last words and that kiss. I wasn't able to sleep without hearing his voice and feeling his kiss. This wasn't right. He was with someone and JC knew it, I knew it. Why did he kiss me anyway?

1998: Big News

I was so bored. Words couldn't even express how much I missed JC. I know he thought he was boring and not much fun, but that was quite the opposite. If I wasn't smiling and laughing, I was mad at him. And that in itself was rare as I got older. We disagreed, yes, but it was never anything so big I'd avoid him for longer than three days. It wouldn't be normal if we didn't argue at all.

Everything with the group was going extremely well. They got another bass singer at the last minute, Lance Bass and that was JC's proof that they all were connected by fate. Their names all spelled out NSYNC, like how their harmonies and dance moves were, and that became the name of the group. See? Fate. I was worried that in the midst of all this, I'd be forgotten. But I wasn't, any chance Justin got, he told me what was going on. I hadn't spoken to JC. I guess he might have been ashamed of him kissing me. But he's not the only one.

As I said, things got boring. To kill time I was in the living room chilling on the couch, watching television. I just left MTV on and turned up the tv when it was my favorite video. I was about to blast the tv when the phone started ringing. I got up and ran to the kitchen, grabbing the cordless off of the charger.

"Hello?" I greeted.

"We got a record deal."

There was no mistaking that it was Justin on the other end of the phone, but what he said was what made me froze. I've been hearing
things a lot lately. They got a record deal? Justin was calling my name repeatedly.

"Yeah J, I'm here," I finally said.

"We got a record deal," he repeated.

I was in shock. My heart was beating so fast, palms were a bit sweaty. NSYNC got a record deal! Oh my God....they were gonna be big, I felt it. I felt it deep in my heart.

"Oh my God....Justin, I'm so proud of you. This is amazing," I said.

"Thank you, I can't wait to see you so we can celebrate. We're all so excited. I've been jumping around all day."

"Are you ready for this?" I asked.

"I feel like I am. I've never felt so sure of anything before."

"Oh my....this is crazy. So are you guys gonna be working on a CD? Or what's the next move?" I asked.

"We recorded and have been rehearsing our first song. The next move is to start in Europe and see where it takes us," he replied.

"That's great, J. Am I ever gonna meet the rest of your bandmates?" I asked.

"Definitely. I think you'll love them. We've all been clicking so well," he eagerly replied.

"How sweet. Anyway, I'm so happy for you and the guys. I'm very proud. Make sure you tell them I said congratulations. I don't wanna keep you, since you're gonna be all famous now," I teased.

He chuckled. "I'll tell them. And don't you worry, nothing's ever gonna change about me. I can bet money on that. I miss you, bye Zee."

"I miss you, too. Bye J."

I hung up the phone and screamed, jumping up and down doing my happy dance. A record deal. I couldn't believe it. NSYNC got a record deal. No matter how many times I said it, I still couldn't believe it. It was almost official, Justin and JC were gonna be famous. Or in their case, even more famous; I'm sure the fan base from MMC would revive. I walked back into the living room and took MTV off mute. I couldn't wait for the day I'd see NSYNC on there. One day.

1998: Surprise, Surprise

I couldn't stop playing "I Want You Back", it was the NSYNC's first recorded song and I was in love with it. Justin sent me another song, "Tearin' Up My Heart". I laughed for about five minutes, the title itself was so cheesy. But when I actually listened to it, I knew. This song was gonna be the song that catapults them. I didn't even take it out of my CD player. I also got a tape sent to me of both the videos. Justin told me they re-shot "I Want You Back" because it was a little dated. I didn't care either way, since I finally got to see the other guys in the group. And they were some cute guys, at that. I tried to guess who was who, and the only one I knew that I for sure had right, was Joey. Come on, he was screaming Italian the second I looked at him. I wasn't so sure about Chris and Lance. They both look like they could be a Chris or a Lance. In the end I deemed brace-face as Lance and
blondie as Chris. I just hope I'm right.

Then of course, there was my beloved Justin and JC. I honestly didn't like his hair in that Ceasar style, but I know who did, that damn
Bunny. I guess she's the reason he hasn't talked to me in awhile. Just like I told him. I understand that things between JC and I are far more friendly than we both let on to be, but I'm not a threat and I don't think I'll ever be....

"Zahra! Get the door!" my mom called. I'm all the way up in my room, isn't she closer? Before I let the slip of my mouth get me in trouble, I rolled off my bed and walked downstairs.

"Mom, you're right here in the kitchen," I said.

"Yeah, but I had kids for situations like these," she joked. I shook my head and walked on to the front door. I didn't even bother to ask who
it was, I just swung the door open and I froze at the familiar face. My mom was evil. Pure evil.

"JC?"

Stunned is an understatement. He smiled and looked me up and down. I completely forgot what I was wearing: a black ACDC shirt and some shorts, which was almost close to nothing even on my short, stubby legs. If JC was still here, I'd never have these on and the one time I do, he pops up. Great timing, Josh. Great.

"Hi, nice to see you, too," he said.

I stepped aside so he could come in, my mind totally blanking. Now who has a heart attack when she sees JC? By this time I shouldn't even have to say it. I think she knew he was coming and purposely didn't tell me. And she knew I looked like I was auditioning for an LL Cool J video. Okay.....maybe I deserved it. I didn't do the dishes until late last night, my bad. Next time if I don't want Justin to pop in when I look like Shiva from Mortal Kombat, I'll take the trash out early. My mommy.

I didn't even notice I hadn't expressed the slightest bit of excitement that JC was back. To tell the truth, I didn't know how I felt about him being here. He hasn't spoken to me, personally, since the day we were at the airport. I was.....I was irritated by his presence right now. I shook my head and headed back upstairs in my room. I plopped down on my new, comfy chair that I had placed near my window.

"Care for some company?" It was like my past echoing. Those were his first words to me. Did he actually remember that was what he said to me or was it a coincidence?

"I don't know," I replied.

I heard the door further open and I looked over to see JC laying on my bed, waiting for me to acknowledge him. I didn't know what to say. I
know that no matter how I tried, things were gonna sound like I was bitter.

"You don't look happy to see me, Zahra," he said quietly. I saw the hurt in his face, in his eyes. Did he see the hurt in mine?

"I don't know if I am, Josh."

See? Bitter.

"Why not? I'm really happy to see you."

"You kissed me and I don't hear from you until today. I don't get an explanation or a simple 'hey, how are you'. Maybe I'm overreacting. I
keep expecting you to give me these boyfriend courtesies. Not failing to realize, you’re already someone’s boyfriend and the someone isn’t me. I'm just stupid because I continue to let you have your way with me...."

"Zee, we just kissed a few times, three times to be exact. I should've spoken to you about it, after the day at the airport. I assumed you
would be mad that I kissed you again....since you're with Justin."

I am? I feel this is something Justin should've told me.

"Where did you hear I was with Justin?" I asked.

"Oh...I just sorta figured since you kissed when he left...you're not together?"

JC saw that? Oh no. I hope JC's kiss wasn't him trying to one up Justin again. Was it? No, JC wouldn't do that to me. I think.

"No, we're not," I replied

"Oh..."

"But that's beside the point. Kissing me and never speaking to me about it, doesn't make it go away. The kiss itself was confusing enough
without your not speaking to me."

"I know....it was the first instinct I had. I felt like it was right to kiss you, even though I knew it wasn't." JC exhaled loudly, running his
fingers over his short hair. "Zahra Camden, what did you do to me?" he asked.

"Say what?" I blurted out.

"Why can't I stay away from you?" he asked.

"I don't know, JC. That's definitely something you have to figure out on your own..."

I stood up and walked over to my dresser. I could feel his eyes on my body. I knew what was about to happen.....and yet I was curious to see if I was right. I opened my drawer and began to search for a pair of basketball shorts to throw on over the ones I was wearing. Without missing a beat, I felt JC's body heat behind me. I didn't even have to glance up at my mirror to know he was there. Him being so close to me evoked the same feelings: a racing heart, nervousness, and raging hormones. The real question was, what did he do to ME?

JC just stood behind me, gradually moving closer, until I could feel his jeans pressed up against the back of my thigh. I should be stopping him and I can't get my mouth to open. I felt his lips touch the side of my neck and I gave in. He won. So much for me having the upper hand. He focused on one spot and lightly teased the skin in that area. I reached
for his hands and he locked our fingers.

"Zahra, I'll be right back!"

My mom's voice didn't even scare me, I was completely lost in him. "Okay!" I managed to call out.

The door slammed and JC slowly placed his hands on my hips, biting down on my skin. I gasped, pulling my bottom lip in between my teeth. I reached my hand up and held onto the back of his neck. I stared at our reflection through my mirror, and I caught his intense eyes looking back at me. I stared at his right hand as it trailed down my hip, feeling exactly where he was starting to place it. My heart almost stopped. Tell him to stop. Tell him!

He removed his lips from my neck, never breaking our eye contact through the mirror and he pushed his hand up through the bottom of my shorts. I felt his fingers press against my sensitive area and in slow, circular motions, he caressed me with ease. I could feel his fingers touching me in places I only dreamt he would. He seemed to be so in tune with my body, knowing what I wanted and how slow or fast to do it to me.

"I wanna hear you...," he whispered into my ear.

My grip on his neck almost loosened, but he held onto it with his free hand as the other continued to explore me. My knees felt like jello, he was making me feel so good. I was in a state of bliss. All I could manage to do was gasp in short, quick, breaths. I could swear I saw him smile a few times. And right then I knew that driven JC was an entire new ballgame. It was his goal to make sure I was in the palm of his hand, so much so, that I'd do anything he asked me. He seemed to like the control....and for the most part, I had to obey. I've yet to have any sexual experiences, and with that, I'm still immature about what it is I want and what I could get.

Unable to keep quiet any longer, I moaned and almost immediately I felt his erection arise in the middle of my behind. He began to pick up the speed of his motion, while I tried to release my arm down from his neck. The pressure he placed upon his focused area, drove me wild. I  could barely keep my hips from bucking against his unique motion. JC held onto me tighter; I could see his eyes whenever I would occasionally get them open. He was beyond being in lust. It was embedded into his stare.

I leaned my head back against his chest, eyes closed tight. I felt myself about to climax. I knew that he would be the first to take that away, too, and in the heat of the moment, I didn't care. I was moaning with every stroke he made and as soon as a tingle arose, it was non-stop. He calmly and softly continued to whisper dirty things into my ear. I placed my hand on top of his as he sped up his pace. My voice rose, unable to be contained, until I produced a piercing loud moan. I came. I came hard. And for my first time coming, my body was doing so many things at once, it was hard to ride just one wave. My knees gave out and I dropped.

Being JC, he caught me. He carried me over to my bed and laid me down. His body hovered over my own and slowly fell between my thighs. I was breathing heavily, eyes watery, legs tightly clenched, but I could feel his excitement between my thighs and it induced my own. He kissed my lips but this time, shockingly, I pulled HIM into a deeper kiss. I rubbed my hands down his back, adjusting my position beneath him slightly. JC stared at me like always, but it was different this time. I grabbed his chin, and roughly initiated another kiss. To my surprise, he pulled back quickly. Everything changed the minute I took the initiative. Almost like my wanting to go further, shocked him. The look on his face was hard to read.

"I've gotta get going," JC said quietly.

"No....no, come on," I whispered. What was I saying? I wasn't supposed to want him to stay. Damn it, what the hell DID he do to me?

"I can't." JC stood up and walked away from my bed. He stopped in the doorway, looking back at me. "You were right Zahra. We’re not kids anymore, we’re getting older....and I'm beginning to ache for you..."

............

This wasn't right. Nothing was how I expected it to be. Okay, at 12 I foolishly thought, "Yeah, JC doesn't like me now, but when I get older he'll love me". At 14 I correctly thought "JC's probably never gonna see past my age, no matter how old I get." The latter being the one I still believe. BUT, that was all when I thought I was in control. I didn't think I'd be the one on the other end of all the teasing. I wasn't supposed to give in.

Actually, now I don't know what to believe anymore. The entire situation is confusing. He acts like he wants me, something happens, then he apologizes and vows it won't happen again. And it happens again.

If it's unnoticeable, JC's presence was completely unexpected and extremely brief. He left to who knows where right after he spoke his last words. And he echoed them with so much confusion and shame, but the intensity in his eyes was still present. Am I really irresistible to him, or is he just saying that so I can be a side toy whenever Bulky doesn't give him what he needs?

JC's always been sweet, in terms of his behavior, around my mother and myself, but I can't speak for how he is with women that seek something beyond friendship with him. I could easily conclude that he's not faithful because of our encounters, but it's been a long time coming, whether he wants to admit it or not. Regardless, I'm the one who ends up wanting more or wanting to go further. How does he DO that? And why do I let him? It has to stop. It WILL stop.

1998: Almost....but no cigar. Damn.

After me and JC's steamy moment, all I could think about was that day. I couldn't get it out of my head. When I was in the shower, I'd get a flash in my head of his eyes and sexy smirk, and my body would get hot. This kind of power over me was crucial. JC had no idea what he'd done to me. And shockingly, incredibly shocking to be exact, JC called me no
later than a two weeks afterward. Two weeks, I know. But if you take into account that him and the guys are always traveling and working, two weeks isn't so bad. I thought our conversation was gonna be awkward, but it wasn't. We talked like we always did, almost like it didn't happen. But then...

"About what happened in your bedroom...," he began.

"Yeah.....what about it?" I asked.

"I don't wanna say. I don't want you think I'm weird," he replied.

"Josh, you can't hit a home-run and not run the bases. I already think you're weird and you're still more normal than I am," I teased.

He chuckled the most sexy chuckle. I'm gonna need a shower after this phone call, I can already foresee that.

"Fine, um...." He's nervous? "Hearing you....I really liked it."

His voice was soft, but so masculine at the same time. Yeah. Definitely need a shower. Ice cold. Besides that, I was surprised. I was
speechless, to be honest. How do I respond?

"Um, thank you...? I'm a little taken aback, I wasn't expecting you to say that."

"I wasn't expecting that you'd sound like that, it was a new feeling," he admitted.

Game. Set. Match.

"What were you gonna do if you didn't walk away?" I asked.

"I don't know what I was gonna do."

"I bet you sound great, too." I was in it to win it. I wanted back the reins. I needed them back.

JC chuckled softly. I could tell I had his face red. "I don't know about that."

"True. I’d have to hear you to defend what I just said."

I was focused. I was ready for anything he could throw at me to flip this thing around. I had this in the bag. I could picture him biting
his lip and pushing his fingers through his hair. Got him.

"You're being bad," he said.

"Am I? I thought it was just me being curious," I said. "I think regardless of what goes on between us, I'd be curious."

"Wow...now I'm shocked. What all has been going on since I left?" he asked.

"JC, shut up, nothing's been going on. But...I'm getting older and I wanna know things. One of those things are....wanting to know how you
sound when you moan." I replied.

He sighed heavily. "Zee, you’re going too far.”

"What's wrong with that?" I asked.

"Everything. I've gotta go, bye."

And like that....JC was off the phone. Wait, wait! That's....damn it! I thought things were going well. I can't fathom why he's so scared of me. I mean....forget it. I think it's finally sunk in. Josh will never get past my age. Ever.

1998: Today is the Day

I was beyond excited. I was so excited, I could barely comprehend the excitement of my excitement. *NSYNC was gonna be on MTV. Their album had already dropped and of course I got sent five copies, on top of the
two I actually bought for me and my mom. It didn't do so well here in America at first, but after their Disney special, sales went crazy. I
loved that day. Disney had a marathon of MMC episodes and it was fun to catch see how things changed. JC, Justin, Britney, Christina....and Ryan. Oh. My. God. I saw him in a movie recently and....whoo! He was cute back in the day, but I didn't think he'd grow up to be so hot. Cel and I laughed about that for hours. I was so happy for them all. Their dreams were coming true right before their eyes. I almost get choked up thinking about it. They all worked their asses off for this and now they can begin to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

"Mom! They're about to come on! Bring the popcorn quick!" I called.

My mom scurried into the living room with a bowl of popcorn in her hands, sitting down next to me on the couch. I placed the bowl on the coffee table and grabbed the remote so I could turn up the volume. I saw five faces. My mom and I screamed. Justin was just sprouting up. God, he looks so hot. Once the music started, I was so into it. I saw the cute facial expressions Justin and JC gave one another. Awwww. I became engulfed in everything. Every move, every note, every smile, that I didn't notice one thing.

"What the hell are they wearing?!" I blurted out.

My mom smacked my leg and laughed. "I was thinking the same thing!"

We both laughed. That sweater of all sweaters, Justin? JC's vest wasn't so bad, but the orange shirt? Chris...I'll leave Chris alone. They're never hearing the end of this. Never. Actually, I'll call Justin later and tease him about it. I bet JC picked out that outfit. Or at least that's what I'll say. Hehe. When the performance was over, I stood up. My mom stood up. We both cheered at the television like we were there in the audience. I giggled when there was a shot of Celeste in the audience. Lucky her, I would LOVE to have been there.

"Wow, that Justin is a nice, handsome boy, I can't believe you don't like him," my mom commented as we walked back to the kitchen.

Oh gosh...

"Ma, what are you talking about? I do like Justin, he's one of my closest friends," I said.

"I know that. I meant like him as more than a friend. I know he likes you," she said.

Why is she even talking about this? I'm just trying to enjoy the high I've got from seeing the guys on tv. When did this become about me?

"Ma, what makes you think he likes me?" I asked. Justin and I already made it known between ourselves that we liked each other, so how does my mom know?

"It's obvious. I wasn't born yesterday, I saw the way he was every time he got around you. He's really into you," she replied. "You would know that if you weren't so in love with JC."

I dropped the cup I was holding and it rolled into the sink. I certainly heard what I thought I didn't. I only wish that my mom didn't say it. Geez, Ma.

"In love with JC? Mom you've gotta be kidding. I don't love JC," I said.

"You like him a hell of a lot then," she corrected.

"Now what makes you say that?" I asked.

I was doing my best to hide my embarrassment and even trying harder to not show any emotion. I didn't want her to see, in my face that is, she was right. It wasn't a surprise that I liked JC. Duh. But loved? Uhhh,
no I don't think so.

"The way you look at him, and the smile you get on your face when he's just around the house singing. You kids today think that all adults haven't been through what you're going through. But we know and understand. I understand. And I know what love looks like."

"Mom, I think you’re wrong about this one," I smiled.

"Okay, go ahead and deny it. But the sparkle in your eye when I said ‘JC', that's all the proof I need."

She walked back into the living room and I was left standing there dumbfounded. After every dumbfounding situation I've been in, I have to
ask....what the HELL just happened? I leaned back against the counter simply shaking my head in disbelief.

Me in love with JC? Pfft. That's almost as true as Zebras with wings.

1998: Like Old Times.

I couldn't get what my mom purposefully planted, out of my head. Why would she do that? She knows I tend over-think everything and she planted a ticking mental nuclear bomb inside my head. Number one, not only is she aware that Justin may have some feelings for me, she's also wrong about me not having those same feelings for him. I like Justin...a
lot. And JC....I don't know what to feel about him anymore. I don't know if I should like him or not. I feel that he's manipulating me. Like he knows I turn into puddle of goo, foaming at the mouth from everything he does. I could be thinking too much into it. Or just not thinking enough....

I was in my room, sitting in my chair, writing in my journal. Yes, I still keep a journal. I do have a life outside of Justin and JC, even though it seems that I'm living like a nun. I had a thought, it'd been on my mind all day, and I was finally able to put it into words.

"I can't believe this hideous picture is on your wall."

Oh my GOD. I snapped my head around, allowing my journal and pen fall to the floor. I was in awe of the beautiful woman who stood before me with a bright smile on her face.

"Cel!!!!!!" I screamed as I ran and threw my arms around her. We jumped and screamed, unable to contain our obvious excitement. "What...what are you doing here?!" I asked.

"This really hot guy called me and asked me if I wanted a real Christmas vacation. I think you know him...hold on.."

Celeste walked out of my room and brought back a favorite face of mine, with a golden smile to match.

"Justin!" He quickly swept me up in his arms and lightly grazed his lips against my cheek. Oh God.... I quickly released him, knowing that
my flushed face was probably noticeable.

"Yeah, so you DO know him," Celeste laughed. "Anyway, so this hot guy Justin offered and then this other hot guy bought me a plane ticket. Wait, you may know him, too...." Celeste left my room once again and came back with my sworn enigma.

He quickly caught my eye and looked away. Even in that brief moment, I felt my cold heart soften. I walked over to him and we hugged. He whispered into my ear "Hi".....and I....I melted. God DAMN you Josh.

"I knew you'd know him, too! So yeah, anyway, hot guy Joshua bought my ticket and now beautiful girl Celeste is here to visit sexy and
gorgeous girl Zahra. And I must say, you did NOT look like THIS in '93," she complimented.

"I um....I agree," Justin said as his sized me up, biting his lip. Wow, Justin was asking for it. I smiled and laughed away their compliments.

"Girl stop, you guys flatter me," I teased. "I should say the same thing about you Ms. Exotically Beautiful Celeste. I'd kill for those hips," I said as I put my hands on them to compare hers to my own.

"Okay, you guys are screwing with me and C, right? We can't handle all this at the same time," Justin joked. I tapped his arm gently.

"Thank you hot guys, Justin and JC," I said. Justin soaked up my thanks and JC simply nodded his head in my direction. He hasn't said one word after his personal greeting to me. Is it because of me he's so quiet?

"Oh yeah, before I forget, let's go downstairs. After the gorgeously beautiful people first, no not you this time, JC," Justin laughed. JC
shook his head and I followed Cel downstairs.

"What did you fo— uh, why is SYN of NSYNC in my living room?" I asked, completely shocked.

"How many times did you bug me about meeting the guys? Here's the guys, meet 'em!" Justin said.

I rolled my eyes and went over to each person, introducing myself. I felt so little compared to everyone standing in my living room, even
though Chris was the shortest. I made small talk with them. I was interested to know who these guys were, at least a smidgen of their
background. How did it all come to this, them being one of the biggest, if not the biggest, groups right now?

"How has the globally famous life been treating you guys?" I asked. Everyone was seated down in the living room, just hanging out and relaxing. I'm sure that both were important in the collective mindset of the room.

"It's definitely weird...the madness, adulation...the women," Chris replied. I saw the glances the guys all exchanged between one another. I saw a few sly smirks, one in particular that I was too familiar with. Oh is that so?

"Okay, ew, I don't like where this conversation is possibly heading," Celeste said. She still knew how to voice what I was thinking.

"We could easily make it about you and how you've.....grown," JC flirted. My smile quickly faded. I narrowed my vision and cut my eyes
at him. Excuse him? What was THAT? JC flirts with Celeste now? Really now....hmm. She giggled and swatted his advance away.

"Oh wow," I mumbled. I looked at JC again and accidentally caught his eye. He licked his lips and I glanced away. Is he finally graduating
from unintentional jerk to an actual jerk? Perhaps.

"Does that mean I'd be allowed to mentally undress you, Zee?" Justin asked. Joey quietly laughed.

I shook my head in shame. "Justin...I....shut up."

"You guys are more sickening to be honest, my response was great," Chris said.

I smiled and stood up. "Anyone thirsty? We've got some bottled water in the fridge." I took a poll and came up with four hands.

"Um, I'll help you with that," JC quickly stood.

I ignored him and pressed on into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and saw that there really was not any water inside. Great. Now I'm a lying, water hand.....outer. Something like that. Whatever.

"The water's in the cooler...in the basement," JC said.

I nodded and brushed past him and damn near flew down the stairs. I went to the cooler, that was set near the backdoor, and opened it. I bent over to grab some bottles, but it was hard trying to do so while holding up the lid. No more than a minute later, I felt the lid being
held up with pressure against my backside, all while I was still bent over. Never fear, Zahra, JC's here. I quickly snapped upright, to find
that I was in JC's possession. Meaning, my ass was pressed closely against his....stuff. Whoo-hoo. Big. Surprise.

I turned to have my back safely against the cooler, away from JC. He leaned in close to try and kiss me, but I moved away. I was being
resistant to his advances, but not because I truly didn’t want them. I was being petty and jealous. I could tell that he wasn't fond of it either. JC grabbed my hands, pinning them behind my back. Pressing his body tightly against mine. I was breathing heavily. JC was scaring me.

"Let me go," I warned.

His grip on my hands became tighter and he was now so close against my body, I could barely breathe.

"Kiss me....," he breathed against my cheek. I felt my eyes roll into my head, my shoulders drooped down from their strong, unwilling posture.

"No...," I breathed.

Okay, that's what I said. I said "No". So why did it sound EXACTLY like "Yes"? I didn't think it was possible for me to be drawn in any
further. But I was. He was turning me on. I hated him so much, yet I wanted him so much more.

"You know you want to...” He moaned softly in my ear.

Once I let it travel through my ears, it seeped into my veins; I screamed inside my mind. I could feel the reaction of my body to his sound in my underwear. God, it was sexy. It was exhilarating. It was the sound I was craving to hear. Now that I have, I had to hear it again, over and over.

"Fuck," I whined.

I wanted so badly to push him away, but his grip on my hands weren't letting up. Everyone was gonna start to wonder where we'd gone. JC wasn't making things any less discreet by doing this now. He had me on the brink of wanting to rip off his clothes and take myself down a road I'm probably not ready for. What if we got caught? What if it was Justin who caught us?

"You like it," he moaned again.

I finally gave in and smashed my lips against his. The second he felt my flesh, his body exhaled and the grip on my arms was released. My mental instinct was to slap him, but what my body did was nowhere near
that. I grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him closer to me. I rubbed my hands up his chest and slowly brought them back down again. I stared into his eyes, slowly teasing my hand down his stomach. His breathing became labored as I walked my fingers down further, finally cupping my hand against his package. And yes, it was indeed a package. We both glanced down at where my hand was then back at each other.

"Where's the water!" Celeste yelled.

"We had to put another package in the freezer, we're about to....come right now!" I bit my lip and he smiled, catching my naughty puns.

I placed more pressure against his now apparent erection and for the first time in all our times teasing and flirting, I had JC watering at the mouth. Beckoning at my whim. He was two seconds from eating out the palm of my hand, if he wasn't there already. I had the reins. I had the control. I loved it.

"Be available.....and here, tonight," I whispered, pulling away. I opened the lid once again, and handed him four bottles of water. JC needed a taste of his own medicine. I confidently walked back upstairs, hoping I left him thinking the exact same thing I did when he pulled this: What the HELL just happened?

I gave JC no sort of undivided attention for the remainder of the day. I had to show him how it felt to have someone do treat you like you
didn't exist. It may not seem mature, but JC's so stubborn sometimes, the only way he can get it is if he feels it. I didn't want to make him
feel how I had felt, but how else can I get him to be considerate about my feelings? How else can I get him to sort out his own? We can't keep playing dirty, eventually we'll get caught or someone will catch on.....if they haven't already.

The guys ended up having to leave for some performance or some kind of appearance they had to make. I honestly wasn't listening well enough to find out. Cel and I were invited, but I politely declined because I knew I had homework I had to catch up on if I wanted to be free for the rest of the weekend. I encouraged Celeste to go without me and she
sadly, but willingly decided to go. I waved them off watching as they got into a rental car. Justin, on the other hand, was still inside the
house with me.

"Hey....I'll see you in the morning?" Justin asked.

I smiled. "Yeah, of course you will. Thanks so much for getting Celeste here. I owe you and JC big."

"It's no problem....but um, you know how you could really thank me?"

"How?" I asked.

"You could let me have something I haven't had in a long time...."

Like what? I raised my eyebrow at him. I heard JC gently tapping on the horn. Justin opened my front door and yelled out "Five seconds!" then shut it back.

"Like what, J?" I asked.

He grabbed me by the waist, staring into my eyes. Next thing I know, Justin has me backed against the door, kissing me. His tongue was doing things his tongue never did before. At least not when we kissed those other times. I moaned softly. What was this? Where did he learn how to kiss like this? He let me go, touched my chin, and smoothly walked through my front door.

"W....shit..."

I hit the door with my fist. Damn that was a wild ride. And he walked off knowing that his kiss was amazing. I have one who knows that he wants me and I have another who can't decide if he does want me. Who would've thought finally growing up is what's now biting me in the ass.

1998: Like Old Times, Part 2

Later that night, I was vehemently regretting what I said to JC. I paced the floor of my living room in a small t-shirt and shorts, hoping he wouldn't show up, but I know there's no way he wouldn't unless it had something to do with the group. Even so, it's almost 11:30, so I
can finally go to b--

"Hey..."

Shit! I stopped in my tracks and turned around. He wore a black Nautica t-shirt and some track pants. He dressed comfortably. I sure put my foot in my mouth earlier today.

"JC, we need to talk."

He looked at me with his 'uh-oh' eyes, striding over to the couch and taking a seat. I took a deep breath before going to sit down next to
him. It was crazy how easily he could flip this. We could be talking and next thing I know, he's covering my mouth, telling me I'm too loud.
I know JC and JC isn't picky about places when he's turned on.

"Can we talk about why you're acting like you're terrified to sit next to me?" he asked.

"Josh.....you had my hands pinned behind my back earlier..," I replied.

"I would never intentionally hurt you, Zahra. I can get aggressive when I'm in the mood and....I noticed you can, too. I think if you felt you were in any real danger, you would've defended yourself. I didn't mean to really scare you, I'm sorry."

The worry in his eyes were real. His apology was genuine. My heart softened....like always. He sure has impeccable timing, I was just
about to release the vicious hawk on him. Now I have to use a fluffy bunny rabbit approach on him.

"I accept your apology...," I finally responded.

"Great. Um....what was it you actually wanted to talk to me about?" he
asked.

Okay Zahra. Lay down the law. "Um...I..."

Great start. No, really.

"Zee....is this about that whole Celeste thing? Look, I was just kidding around," he explained.

"No....it's not that, wait no, ugh. It is, but it isn't," I tried to explain.

"Yeah, I don't follow."

"Seeing you flirt with Cel made me finally realize something," I said.

"Which is?"

"We can't keep doing this back and forth. I know I said it before and we still did, but this time I mean it," I replied.

"Zahra...."

"Josh. This isn't fair. I may not care too much for your girlfriend, but I can't keep allowing you to hurt her so you can make me feel good.
I was so annoyed by your flirting with Cel. To me, that means we've gone too far.....with everything."

"I get what you're saying, Zee. I'm not trying to hurt Bobbi or you. I'm just confused about everything I've been feeling lately. I think
you're right."

Huh?!

"Excuse me, did you say I was right?"

"Yeah....why, is that wrong or something?" he asked.

Yes, it's very wrong! This wasn't the way I pictured our conversation happening. He wasn't supposed to agree with me, he was supposed to be convincing me not to mean what I say. I feel like he has some weird
plan in mind. He may not be plotting against me, but it's hard to tell with JC sometimes, he's so much more smarter than I think. Something is going on here, I know there is.

"No...no, it's not wrong. I wasn't expecting you to agree with me," I replied.

"I've been doing some thinking and I'm not being a good friend. I care about you and I don't wanna be the one that hurts you. So, it's best if we just spend some time apart from one another," he explained.

"Spend time apart?" I repeated. He nodded his head slowly. "Don't we do that already? You travel all the time."

How were we going to spend time apart from one another when we lived in the same house? Joshua Chasez has something up his sleeve and I know it. What in the hell is he up to?

"I mean I won't just intrude in your space. I'll stay downstairs when I'm here visiting."

I stared at him blankly. What the bloody hell is he talking about? JC read my look and shook his head.

"I won't be ambushing you, is what I'm saying."

"Fine, we agree then," I said.

"What if I accidentally bump into you and I rub my arm against yours? Is that still too much?" he asked, smiling.

I nudged his arm with my elbow. "Shut up."

"I guess that's a no," JC chuckled.

"JC, you know how I feel about you and I don't want you to think for a second that I don't like it when we kiss. I love it when you kiss me,
it's the guilt that follows which makes me uncomfortable.."

He smiled at me, placing his hand on the side of my face. His fingertips gently caressed my cheek. His eyes scanned my body and he bit his lip. I saw that look buried deep in his eyes, I felt it. I wanted his lips, more than I was willing to admit to myself. JC played with me, passing his lips against mine, barely kissing on my cheek. I felt his faint breath against my skin, while his fingers interlocked with my own. I leaned in closer to JC, trying to initiate a
kiss, but he swiftly dodged me. I smiled, knowing he was trying to tease me. I gently kissed his chin, moving under before biting down on his skin. He sighed heavily.

"Kiss me, Jace," I whispered.

JC placed his hands on my back, finally putting me out of my misery by kissing me. It was slow, sweet, and smooth. He took his time and I actually got to experience his sensuality. He brushed his nose against mine, licking his lips, giving me a small smile. His fingers gently
caressed my back. He didn't grab and attack my lower backside, he rubbed his hands across slowly. His lips nuzzled against my neck, I giggled softly.

I touched his face, still deeply infatuated with his incredible bone structure, marveling at how even though my complexion was a few shades
darker than his own, we still blended so well. This was different from his previous, beastly ravaging and it confused me. JC was being so much more careful, he was taking his time.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this," JC said.

He leaned down to kiss me again. Our last kiss. I walked him all the way out to his car. We hugged and I watched him leave me. God damn you. What is it about me that you're even attracted to, JC? I'm not Betty, or whatever her name is. But he risks everything with her when he kisses me. Why risk everything for me? What is it that he can't do anymore? I'm thinking maybe my mom was right about one thing: I've been too wrapped up in JC.

It's time to let him go.

I haven't spoken to neither JC or Justin in about two months. It's safe to say that I didn't go insane because of the lack of contact, but I
did get so worried sometimes I couldn't focus. It's getting closer to Justin's 18th birthday, so I'm really hoping to at least get a call before then. I think my decision to finally put a stop to me and JC's affair was the best decision I've made. I'm too young to be in such a dramatic situation. The last thing I want is Blondie coming after me with a chainsaw of some sort. I've heard her when she and JC get into it, I'm positive that she has one. But I digress. That whole thing with him, now that it's over, I feel free. I've got this new breath of life. School is the best it's ever been. I'm a senior now, and I'm soaking up all the great moments instead of treading on the bad ones. My friends are great, I'm with them a lot more now.

It's funny how I was never officially with JC, but I was still attached to him for years. I guess in some way, I'll always be.

1999: 18

What does one do on her 18th birthday? She throws a party in the basement after hiding all of JC's things in his room. Yup, that's what she does. I planned my 18th birthday and it was a quiet talk around school for a week. I invited my senior class, which isn't that big, only about 220 at most. I knew only a few were going to show up, so I invited some underclassmen as well. Of course, there were people at my house who I didn't even know, so I guess inviting was useless to some degree.

I had my cousin DJ and I guess he'a doing a great job because no one has sat down from dancing yet. I love that guy. I myself was on the floor dancing in the midst of everyone, having fun, until I felt hands softly grip my hips. I knew it had to be one of my guy friends getting in a birthday dance, so I just let myself be pulled against him. As I danced carefree, I recognized how familiar I was with this particular hold: hands placed right at my lower hip, fingers tampering with the denim of my jeans. I felt his fingers, the length, the texture. I know who this is. I know exactly who this is.

"Justin, what are you doing here?" I asked as I turned around to face him. His jaw was dropped wide open.

"How did you know it was me?!" he asked.

"The way you had your hands on my hips, and your fingers....I'm weirding you out, aren't I?!" I asked.

"What?!" he yelled.

I smiled as I took his hand, and led us through the dancing crowd to the kitchen upstairs. I saw the rest of NSYNC sitting around the
kitchen counter. What the hell?

"You guys are here, too? What's going on?" I asked.

"We're here because you're finally 18, Zahra," JC replied. I gushed on the inside. Why is it every time I see him after a long period, he
looks even hotter?

"Yeah, and thanks for informing us about this great party you're having," Justin added. I flew my hand against his jacket gently and he chuckled.

"You guys came here, for me?" I asked.

Justin nudged me. "Again, thanks for believing we're assholes and wouldn't bother."

"I second that," JC shot.

They were both giving me death glares and I was trying not to laugh. Seems they were actually being very serious. It's not that I thought they were assholes, I only thought they would've been too busy.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. I'm shocked to see you all here. I wasn't expecting this at all,"I apologized.

"Ah, I can't stay mad at you, but yes we are here for you. I don't know anything more important than my best friend's 18th birthday," Justin smiled.

Awww, how sweet of him. But did he mean that? Am I really his best friend?

"Since you guys are here, you know it's impossible to keep your identities secret, right?" I said.

"What are you planning in that head of yours?" JC asked me. I stuck my tongue out at him. Have some faith in my plans, sheesh.

"You go sing and make my party the best one that can never be topped," I responded.

They all looked at one another. I don't know why they're doing all that, the moment I said sing, all their faces lit up at the same time.
They know they wanna perform for my friends. I've never seen any of their performances live and I'd love to actually see what they can do.

"Fine, we'll do it. But this counts as my, Lance, and Joey's birthday present," Chris said as he walked past me.

"What about those two?" I asked.

"They still have to get you something," Chris replied.

I chuckled softly once I saw Justin letting what Chris said sink in. That face.

"There's no stage down there," Justin said.

"I'll clear a big enough space. Oh come on, what's different performing in front of me and my friends than the rest of the world?" I asked.

"Your opinion matters to us," JC replied.

Oh....

"Trust me, I'm not a critic. You have nothing to worry about. Those people down there will be the most excited crowd you've ever performed
for. Come on, we have a few karaoke microphones you can use. I'll help you set up," I said.

I saw them both exchange a glance and shrug. They were such a sitcom sometimes. I let Joey and Lance head into the basement ahead of me, and I stopped Justin and JC at the top of the stairs.

"I love you both, so don't ever think that I'll be someone who's rooting against you. No matter what happens between us, I'll always be
on your side. You WILL kick ass tonight, because you always kick ass. Got it?" I said.

I blushed seeing both of their flirty smiles being thrown in my direction. Damn it. Couldn't one of them be at least a LITTLE unattractive and repulsing? I mean for crying out loud, ONE of them.

"Yes ma'am," Justin said. I nodded and quickly brought them back down into my party. I pushed them all into JC's room and closed the door.

"You guys figure out what you wanna do so I can get the music and give it to my cousin," I said.

"You wanna do...."

"I don't know."

That was basically the conversation for like five minutes. That is, until I got impatient waiting for them to figure it out. You perform
the hits, what's to figure out?

"Okay Tearin' Up My Heart, I Want You Back, and Sailing, it is. Good job, guys. Be right back."

I turned on my heels to head out of the room. I sighed heavily as I walked over to my cousin's booth. I let him in on what was going on, found the songs to give to him, and he even hooked me up with some microphones he had in his equipment. I gave the go for ten minutes and I tracked back to the room. All eyes shot to me. I felt like I murdered someone with a candlestick in the living room with the way they were looking at me.

"You've got ten minutes. My cousin'll bring you on. I can't guarantee things not getting crazy, but I'll try to keep it under control. You guys ready?" I asked.

"Of course, we're always ready. Don't worry, we've got this, Zahra," Chris assured.

"Great, cause I'm nervous," I said.

"How are you nervous, we're the ones performing," Joey teased.

"I've never seen you guys perform before. I'm so happy you're all even doing this to begin with. I know that it's thin ice because this sort
of thing requires money," I said.

"Hey, hey, don't mention money. This is for you, and it's from us because we want to do it," Justin said.

I nodded, taking a deep breath. I stepped out of the room and began to clear a space next to the DJ booth. Everyone was confused, asking me what was going on.

"I need everyone to move back! Move back!" I called out.

The large crowd followed my instruction and in that moment, I realized I had WAY too many damn people at my house. I gave my cousin the go, and he hopped onto his mic and began. I was excited. These people knew
who NSYNC was, but had no idea that I actually knew who they were. Nor were they expecting a free performance. Man, I owe the guys big for doing this.

The level of screams that flew by my ear once the guys were on the stage, I wasn't prepared for. My so-called, calm and laid back classmates were all over the place. Girls were reaching over me, to get a small touch of the guys. Meanwhile, I'm standing in the same spot thinking, it's only Justin and JC. Not failing to realize that they evoked these same reactions when I got to see them live on MMC. Guess some things never really do change. I was pushed into their performing area so many times, I made the crowd move further back. People were standing on the stairs and such. This was definitely a real basement party.

After things calmed down from an 11 to a 10, I was finally able to enjoy their performance. I couldn't get over how mind-blowing they were
onstage. It was like watching magic in motion. I finally was able to understand why NSYNC blew up the way they did. Their talent was fresh and real. Most of all, their talent was pure.

................
"Thanks for staying and helping me clean up, guys," I said as I tied up the last trashbag.

"Whether I'm here all the time or not, this is still home," JC smiled.

I noticed how ebullient he's been tonight. Definitely had to be the high he got from performing. They all had this glow and it showed. I walked into the living room and saw all the guys passed out, two on each couch.

"Aww," I said quietly as I walked back into the kitchen. "Your boys must've been tired, they are making sweet love to the living room furniture," I told JC.

He chuckled softly. "It's been a long day, that rest is well needed. Um....you look great, I didn't get a chance to tell you that earlier."

"Thank you," I said. I sat down at the counter, sipping on some water.

"You're welcome. You're 18 now, Zahra. I can't believe it. I knew you when you were this cute little girl and now, you're this beautiful
young woman. Time flies," he commented.

"Cute little girl? I was practically a teenager when we met," I defended. JC shook his head. "I completely missed the point, but I got it nonetheless. I can say I've watched you grow up, too."

"Oh yeah? How so?" he asked.

"You were like, 16 when we met. I mean, you've matured into an intelligent, talented, and not to mention, an extremely great looking man. I remember you totally got annoyed when me and Christina would follow you around the lot. Even then, I was happy to know you. I've really gotten to know you as a person and I'm glad we're friends," I said.

Ugh. I was choking back tears, I hated the emotions I could have in the presence of JC.

"I'm glad, too. And I never was annoyed," he said.

"Yes you were, even though I completely only did it for the laughs. I got a kick out of seeing you irritated," I smiled.

JC shook his head as he chuckled quietly. "Hey, come with me, there's something I wanna show you," JC said.

I nodded and followed him down into the basement. I walked into his room, sitting down on the bed. I wonder what he has to show me. I know it's not an ambush, because tonight, there hasn't been any tension between us. It's been really pleasant. I watched JC sit in his favorite chair with his guitar. He began to strum a few chords. Once I knew he was going to sing for me, my entire body pulled a "shut up" lockdown.

"Stop looking at me like that, you're making me nervous," JC said.

I giggled. "It's just me, you know how I get when you start singing. Come on, let me hear what you've got, I know it'll be amazing."

I saw JC's cheeks flush a rosy color. It was those little things that I simply loved about him. He began to pluck his fingers across the strings again, quieting all my movement.

I see the things he does to you
All the pain that he puts you through
And I see what's really going on
Staying out at night, while you're by the phone

His guitar-playing was slow and his voice was smooth. God, JC, that voice is remarkable. It put chills down my spine, bringing forth urges I couldn't carry out. I'd never heard this before, so my only guess was that it was something he was recently working on.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"It sounds really great, Josh," I replied.

"It's not done yet. I'm still debating on whether I want it to be up-tempo or a ballad."

"I'm not an expert on songwriting, but I think after you finish and sing it through, stick with the first vibe you get from it," I suggested.

JC pat my thigh. "Sounds like a plan. I'll sing it to you when I'm finished."

"I'm looking forward to that, and not only because it's you singing," I joked.

"Thanks. Um....this is completely off-subject, but I have to ask you something," JC said.

"Go for it."

"I know this isn't my business or anything but....have you um, like, you know....?"

"Jace, I don't know what the hell you're talking about," I replied.

"Have you already had sex?" he asked.

I coughed. Of all the things to ask me. Why is this a question he's asking me? I wonder if someone JC and I both know, recently lost his virginity. Actually, who's to say Justin didn't lose his virginity ages ago. Ugh, it doesn't matter. Why is JC asking me about sex?

"Where is this coming from?" I asked.

"I'm not here all the time, and I know you wouldn't tell me or even Justin, for that matter. I'm only curious," he replied.

"You're right, I wouldn't tell you guys. But no, I'm not having sex."

"Oh," he mumbled softly. "I mean....it's great you're not rushing anything."

I nodded my head. "What made you wanna ask? And give me a real answer, please."

"I'm only curious to know if you're curious. I just wanted to throw it out there that, I'm always available for any questions you have or
anything you wanna talk about," he replied.

"Thanks, Mr. I Get Around," I teased.

"Shut up. You know that's not true."

I rolled my eyes. I'm surprised he'd ask if I was still a virgin. JC and I have never talked about sex. Whether it be in general or in regards to ourselves. I don't think he asked because HE wants to be my first, I just think he's glad his ego is still in check and I haven't been dating anyone else to replace him. I'm trying to have fun with my time, not be bogged down by what comes with having sex. I am growing up, but for right now, sex isn't even on my radar.

1999: Bad, Bad Girl

The guys were on tour. Oh, excuse me, they were on their "Ain't No Stopping Us Now Tour". Justin felt it was funny to correct me every time I called it just a tour. He was such a dork. In the mean time, I was finally starting to get used to them being gone, I knew I wouldn't see them again until around April, since their tour was coming to LA. I wouldn't get to see them perform, because I'm gonna be studying, but one day I'll see them in concert. One day. I could easily get tickets from the guys, but it's senior year and I've gotta focus on getting my things together so college isn't as tedious.

"Zee, pick up the phone!" I heard my mom call.

I reached across my desk and picked up the phone.

"I got it!" I yelled. Once I heard the phone click, I ran to close my door. "Hello?"

"Hey, Zee." It was Celeste.

"Hey Cel, what's going on?" I asked.

"I have something to tell you," she replied.

I was beginning to feel my heart rise up into my throat. Did something terrible happen to the guys? Oh God, oh God.

"What is it?" My voice was shaking.

"I....I lost my virginity last night."

"OH THANK GOD!" I released.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Cel exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were gonna tell me something bad about the guys," I explained.

"Oh, well I did sound a little dramatic," she laughed.

I caught my breath and it suddenly sank in. Did she say she did it?!

"You had sex?" I asked.

"Yeah....it happened last night." Her response was uneasy, filled with
nervous energy.

"Tell me about it. Who was he? How did it feel? Come on, come on, details," I said.

She went off to tell me this whole epic romance between her and the guy
she's been seeing. Last night he took her on this romantic date and, things unfolded from there. I was surprised to even hear all of this. I had no idea Celeste was even with anyone. But she is 21, a grown woman, and I'm happy that she finally found someone she wanted to share that moment with.

"I kept hearing that having sex for the first time would be extremely painful for the female. But it wasn't all that bad for me. It felt like constant pressure, but it wasn't so painful that I was screaming bloody murder. In all honesty, it depends on both people involved," Cel
explained to me.

"Wow, that's a bit scary," I said.

"At least if you do decide to take that route, the guy you choose will be experienced," she said.

"What? How could you possibly know that, Celeste. It could be any guy."

"Zee, come on, be for real. You live and breathe Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez. No matter who you date, it always comes back to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum."

"That isn't true, I mean they have their own lives, I'm not waiting for either of them. I haven't taken any relationships serious because that's not where my mind is right now. I just wanna have fun while I'm young and vibrant. I don't wanna be tied down to anyone, Celeste."

"I understand that, Zahra, I do. But....there's something about you and those two. Maybe I'm just finally seeing this now because we're older. I could be wrong and I apologize for over-stepping any boundaries. You and one of them need to just screw each other and be done."

I gasped, my intake was so quick. "What?!"

"The tension was so high the last time I saw you guys, it was almost breathtaking. Okay, we've never talked about the guys like this ever, so tell me honestly, who do you like?" she asked.

That had to be the most difficult question I've ever been asked. Who do I like? For some idiotic reason, it never occurred to me that someone would ask me a question where I had to choose one or the other. That seems almost unfair to choose only one. They're both incredibly great guys. How do I pick one?

"I like them both," I replied.

Oh, that's what I do. I don't pick one, I choose them both.

"You like them both? If you had to choose, who would you want the most?" she asked again.

"I want them both the most," I answered.

I heard a heavy sigh followed by a light chuckle. I wasn't trying to make this difficult, but there were qualities they both had that I
loved.

"Zahra, I hate to burst your bubble, but there's gonna come a time where you'll have to choose. I know you don't want to and you probably won't have to, but what'll happen if they're the ones who want you to choose?" she asked.

"It won't ever get that far, Celeste. As of right now, there's nothing going on with either of them," I reassured.

"This is my opinion but, if you're thinking of someone to go that far with, I'd suggest Justin."

I scoffed. "Why Justin?" I asked.

"Because I don't think you'd want Josh to be your first. I feel like, you'd need to work your way up to anything substantial with JC."

"Yeah okay, I do not wanna talk about my nonexistent sex life, let's move on, please."

I wasn't feeling so great anymore. Number one, why would I even up and decide to put Justin or JC in a position to intentionally be intimate with? I'd like to be in a relationship with a guy and at least like him enough to consider being with him sexually. Number two, the idea of me being so blindly obsessed with Justin and JC makes me sick to my core. It's just not true. I don't keep tabs on them, I don't call everyday just to hear their voices. I don't do any of that. I treat them like they're my friends, which they are. Well, okay, besides all that other stuff that happened, I treat them like my friends.

How am I already stressed about sex and I haven't even done it?

1999: Pop Princess & Sobriety

There wasn't a day that went by where I couldn't get away from NSYNC gossip. Actually, Justin Timberlake gossip. Any time I turned on MTV, there it was, Justin and Britney Spears. It was like 1993 all over again, except no one was globally famous. I could call and ask, but why should I care? Justin's never been my boyfriend, we've only kissed a few times. I don't know why I thought those kisses would turn into something, that was stupid. I know I shouldn't believe gossip, but it's being repeated and repeated, now there's supposed pictures of them together. Why wouldn't Justin tell me this? Better yet, why wouldn't JC?

Once I saw where the news on MTV was heading, I quickly changed the channel and got up from the couch.

"Ughhh! If I hear Justin and Britney in the same sentence ONE more time."

"Hey, did you hear about Justin dating that Britney Spears girl?" my mom asked me.

The universe WOULD test me in that way.

"Mom, please! I can't take hearing about it anymore. It's on television every five seconds, like nothing else in the world is going on," I
snapped.

"Don't be mad at me, I told you to date him," she said.

I rolled my eyes. This woman. Is she my mom? Isn't she supposed to be consoling me and not throwing it in my face? Nope, not my mom.

"Mommy, I'm not upset that he's dating someone else. I'm upset that I have to hear about it all the time. When I wake up, when I'm awake, and right before I go to sleep. It's beyond irritating."

"It's only gossip, you don't even know that they're really together. You could easily confirm it, I don't know why you won't ask the boy," my mom said.

"Because I don't care, ma. If he wants to tell me, he will. If not, then it's still cool."

"He'll come back to you, Zahra. Since you were kids, I knew there was something between you guys. Trust me, he'll come back."

I don't know what the HELL my mom was smoking, but if it has her that psycho, maybe I should try some. I nodded and walked over to the basement. I wanted to be as far as possible from my mom and her 1996 Romeo and Juliet behavior.

I closed the door behind me and trudged downstairs. As I stopped at the bottom of the steps, I saw that the lid to the freezer was lifted open. I darted my eyes around the entire area. My mother wasn't down here earlier, neither was I. I slowly reached for the broom, placed neatly in the corner next to the staircase, clenching my grip around it tightly. I tiptoed to the freezer and gently closed it. I kept looking behind my back, as I continued to step near JC's room. I stretched my arm out to open the door and it swung open.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

I started swinging the broom. I thought I was kicking the shit out of the burglar's ass, until I realized, I didn't even have the broom in my hands anymore. My hands were completely empty. What the flying hell? I stopped swinging my stubby arms and opened my eyes. Oh crap, it was JC. Did he open the door at the same time I was, AGAIN?

"We have GOT to stop doing that!" I exclaimed.

"What is WRONG with you, woman?!"

"JC, what are you DOING here?" I asked, trying to catch my breath. "And how did you get the broom from me?"

"My things are still here, so I can only assume I live here. You were swinging it at me, so I took it. Why are you creeping around down here
and with a broom as a weapon?" he asked.

I plopped down on the couch. "I wanted to get away from my mom and television. Oh, and I thought you were a burglar."

"Why?" he asked.

"I'm tired of hearing about Justin and Britney," I replied. I could hear the annoyance in my voice, I only hope JC didn't.

"Oh....yeah."

JC walked over by the staircase to put the broom aside and walked on into his room. I waited for him to say something. Anything. And like always, he was silent. Okay.....? What's that about? Did I say the wrong two names?

"Joshua..," I called out.

"Zahra," he called back.

"Is it true? Is Justin with her?" I asked.

"How much does it matter to you, Zee?"

"Not so much," I replied.

"Then I don't have to tell you if it's true or not." His head popped out from the doorway with a smile plastered across it.

"But I still wanna know. Josh, don't torture me, just put me out my misery," I suggested.

"Why do you have to know if it doesn't matter much to you?" he asked me.

"Why can't you tell me, JC? Did he make you swear or promise not to tell me?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's it. He made me swear," he replied quickly.

"Liar, but fine. I won't ask anymore," I said.

I kept quiet. I turned my body, facing forward, with my feet on the coffee table. Why wouldn't JC tell me if it was true about Justin and Britney? Does he think telling me will hurt my feelings? Justin's my best friend, I'm happy for him no matter what. Right?

"Fine!" JC suddenly called out. He scared the living daylights out of me. My heart can't take all this excitement in under twenty minutes. It's too much.

"Fine what, Joshua Scott Chasez?" I asked. I was such a snot, calling him by his full name so he'd know I was disowning him.

"I'll tell you, but you heard nothing from me," he called out.

"Can you at least come out of your room? I'd like to see a face when I'm being told such devastating news," I sarcastically remarked.

"Don't be a jerk, I'm coming out right now."

He stepped out of his room, wearing a black sleeveless shirt, denim jeans, and a pair of black combat boots. Or at least that's what his shoes looked like to me. Either way, my attention was diverted to how hot he was looking in front of me. I've been JC sober for about 4 1/2 months. I can do this. Don't be sucked in by those arms, Zahra. Those incredibly toned arms.

"I don't like being ogled, Zahra, but please continue," he teased.

I blinked my eyes repeatedly, looking away. Great, now I've been caught and can't play it off. First I get my weapon stolen from me and don't notice, now this. My luck.

"I....shut up. Just tell me what I wanna know," I said.

JC sat on the edge of the other chair and stared at me and I blankly returned the stare. I blinked repeatedly. I hated being stared at, in
all honesty. It made me feel like I'd done something wrong. JC was making me quite uncomfortable at the moment. There's no way he could tell I was thinking not so pure thoughts of him all of a sudden.

"Josh, what are you looking at me like that for?" I asked.

"Doesn't feel good to be gawked at, does it?" he smiled.

I sucked my teeth, tossing a throw pillow at him, knowing he'd instinctively catch it.

"You're killing time on purpose, Jace, come on," I pleaded. I was beginning to beg? Maybe I don't need to know.

"Okay, Justin isn't with Britney, in public...yet. They're sort of in the process...."

Oh.

"Oh."

I know, I know. I didn't have anything to say, obviously.

"Oh? What does that express? Anger? Hate? Jealousy?" JC asked.

"Uh, no? I'm surprised is all. I didn't know anything was still there between them after all this time," I said.

"So you're not hurt?" he asked me.

"No, not at all, I'm fine. Thank you for wanting to spare me, though," I replied.

"You're well being still matters to me. I always wanna make sure you're okay," he smiled.

4 1/2 months. 4 1/2 months.

"Thanks, Joshy," I said.

"Oh do NOT call me that," he warned

"Why not? It's a cute name!"

"I won't answer to that."

"Oh fine you big baby. You never told me what the crap you're doing here. How come you didn't tell me you were stopping by?" I questioned.

"Remember I did tell you that I'd stay away from you to decrease “ambushing"," JC replied.

"You still have to inform someone, almost....well I poorly attempted, to murder you with a broom," I said.

"Your mom knew I was coming....I made her promise not to tell you, though..."

"Wh...why JC?" I asked. Okay. Now, I'm hurt. Everyone's keeping things from me.

"I'm not trying to tempt you....or myself. If you didn't come down here, you wouldn't have even known I was here," he replied.

This was getting ridiculous. I didn't want JC to avoid me and plan heists with my mom. Oh, and she's the next one. How could she act like
she didn't know JC was here? I just didn't want to be caught up in what I KNEW was going to end up blowing up in my face. It wasn't fair, and I'd never want the same thing to happen to me. I also didn't want to be the "other woman". I never did

"Let's make this clear. You hiding from me won't make me want you any less. If I wanted to kiss you, I would've done it the second you stepped out of your room. But I didn't. Know why? Because I know how to control myself. JC your so...I can't.....you just....ugh!" He was
beyond frustrating sometimes.

"You look so cute when you're mad," JC chuckled.

I held back a smile and rolled my eyes. "Bottom line is, you don't have to hide from me."

"Okay then."

I guess the way I explained things, I wasn't very specific. Didn't he have more to say to me? JC cleared his throat, and I looked over at
him. He obviously was trying to get my attention.

"Would you really kiss me?" JC asked.

"If I wanted to, yes I would," I replied.

4 and a half freakin' months. Is he trying to ruin our streak? JC...please don't take it there.

"Do you want to?" I noticed how uneasy he was. His body language was all nervousness. I can only wonder what's going on right now in the mind that belongs to JC.

"Why does it matter?" I threw his own question back into his face.

JC shrugged. "How much more obvious can I be, Zahra?"

"You tell me," I replied.

"I'd be a lying jerk if I told you that I didn't wanna kiss you right now. I'm merely curious if you feel the same way," he explained.

I sighed heavily. I couldn't take it. With the way he was looking at me, his beautiful eyes locked onto mine, I was losing absolute composure inside my body. I kept glancing away from him, I wasn't going to allow myself to be pulled in. 4 1/2 months. Can it seriously be that difficult to stay away from JC?

"I already said that if I wanted to kiss you, I would," I answered.

"You're still not saying that you'd want to kiss me or not."

"Because we've been doing so well and I can't allow myself to ruin it. I can understand just wanting to let things happen. But when it all boils down, you're in a committed relationship. I'm not willing to mess that up any more than I already have," I explained.

"You could’ve just said that to begin with," JC said as he stood up and walked back into his room.

I sighed heavily. This wasn't serious, right? I got up and followed him, even though I KNEW it was a bad idea. Nothing good was about to come from me following him. Nothing ever did.

I walked through the door frame, watching as JC placed a few items into his duffle. So that's what he was doing here, getting a few things then disappearing? Makes me wonder how many times JC's been here in the past four months without my knowledge. JC zipped his bag close and grabbed it before spinning around. Obviously he was about to leave. But, there I stood in front of the door, blocking the way.

"Excuse me," he said firmly. Attitude? Seems I had made Joshy upset.

"Are you mad at me? You can't be fucking serious?" I asked.

"Watch your mouth, and no I'm not mad at you," he snapped.

Watch my mouth? I am not a child, who does he think he is?

"Really JC? You're not mad at me? Okay well....give me a hug before you
leave," I said.

"I should really be going, I'm already late."

"A hug should take less than 30 seconds, I'm sure you can spare that since you're
already late."

JC walked over to me, with his bag still being gripped between his fingers. He threw his arm across the top of my shoulders and his fingers roughly tapped against the top of my back. Um......ouch? He's not mad yet he's bruising me with his monster fingers from a hug? Right. Once his arm left my shoulder, I reached for his duffle. I lifted it up and dropped it on the floor.

"What the hell is your problem, Zahra?!" JC shouted.

I wasn't in the least frightened by his shouting. I threw my hand onto my hip, and leaned into my stance. "Hug me."

He growled under his breath. "Did I not just do that?"

"Not if you call leaving a dent in my back a hug," I snapped. "Hug me and hug me the right way."

For the first time in a very long time, I saw JC roll his eyes at me. He rebelliously stood in his place, arms crossed an resting against his
chest. JC was watching me with annoyed taped to his forehead. I stepped back in complete disgust. What did I do to him? He can be so damn stubborn! How dare he be mad at me? How dare he not hug me?! Screw
this. I walked over to him and forcefully wrapped my arms around his torso, my palms placed against his back.

"Hug me," I said as I looked up at him.

He wouldn't return my hug nor even glance down to catch my eye. I pressed my body closer to him, holding him tighter, but keeping my touch tender. I placed my head against his chest. I could hear how heavy he was beginning to breathe. Was I making him angrier? Nervous? Uncomfortable? It was hard to tell, but I only wanted him to hug me back. I didn't need him to confirm that he was mad at me, I knew he was.

After not feeling him respond to me, I reacted in the only way I knew JC would in this situation. I unwrapped my arms from around him. I reached my arm up and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look down at me. Once his eyes were locked onto mine, I felt some of my anger dissipate. I was reading into his eyes. And you know what I found? That....no matter what was going on between us, those eyes could still strike me at my core. In addition, his eyes were screaming for me to kiss him. He
was angry at me, but I didn't see anger in his eyes. I saw his need. Did he ever look at Bobbi this way? I shook the thought.

I didn't think. I didn't gasp. I didn't breathe. I placed my lips against his, keeping a smooth motion until finally, his arms were covering my body. I felt those strong hands rub up and down my back, squeezing the tops of my shoulders. His head cocked to the side, his fingers caressing the back of my neck. JC was kissing me back and he was kissing me like we'd never kissed before. I felt his deep moan on the tip of my tongue. His lips were hungry, he kept biting down on my bottom one, his teeth scathed against my tongue. After 4 months, I almost let myself believe it was worth it just for this moment. JC pulled away from me, eyes darting from left to right, breathing heavily.

"Why...why did you do that?" he asked.

"I don't know. But don't ever give me attitude for something stupid like this again," I replied.

I walked away, leaving the basement, not in the least worried that this would be the last time I saw him for awhile. If he didn't want to be found, I'd stop searching.

May 1st. The Kids Choice Awards. I was invited to go by Lance, which was so sweet, but I made up some excuse about making plans for the movies with a few friends. I would catch up with the guys later, but as for the actual award show, I had to pass. Four words were keeping me away. Britney Spears and Bobbi Thomas. Go figure BS and BT. Ugh, Justin and JC make me sick. But anyway, there was a surprise party for Lance after the award show and that's where I would be tonight. His birthday was this upcoming Tuesday, and well, they're in LA why not party for Lance's 20th. I'd also heard from someone, cough, Lance, cough, that the reason they chose tonight was so I would be able to come. But....girlfriends are going to be in attendance at this party, so why put me in such an awkward position? Who knows. Either way, I'm going to this party for Lance and Lance only. Well....okay Joey and Chris get the benefit of the doubt because they're the ones my mom is holding responsible if I get into anything. My mom obviously doesn't know I'm going to a club. Talk about the best adult chaperone's EVER.

1999: Dis-Agree

I had picked out the perfect outfit to wear. I wasn't particularly sure my mom would let me walk out of the house in it, but good thing I was changing into my outfit in Lance's hotel room. It was a nice satin, form-fitting, navy blue, halter dress. I was wearing black Mary Jane heels, and some cute accessories. I wasn't exactly sure about what I'd do to my hair just yet, but it'd come to me. I was going to my first club, my first real club. Illegally. BUT, Lance, Justin, and Britney are no closer to legal than I am, so it's cool. I grabbed all of my things and put them into my bag along with some pajamas and my toothbrush.

"Mom, I'm getting ready to go!" I called.

I waited for her to walk out of the kitchen and do the normal grilling routine she usually does when I'm standing at the front door.

"You're going to a party like that?" she asked.

"Mom, I told you it wasn't a huge deal. Just a casual party. After it's done I'll go over to Aisling's to stay the night, I should be back home before the sun is even up," I explained.

"Alright, you're 18 now, I trust that you are old enough to tell me that you're going to a CLUB FOR LANCE'S BIRTHDAY," she emphasized.

Oh holy crap.

"Ma, now where did you hear that bull-honky?" I asked.

"Karen and I were talking and she told me what was going on tonight. Including Lance's exclusive party," she replied.

"If it's not JC ratting me out, it's his mom," I said shaking my head. "Mom, I'll be in good hands. Chris and Joey will be watching me, you have nothing to worry about."

"I know, I trust that JC will watch out for you, too. I already explained to JC what would happen if he didn't."

"Ma....you can't go around threatening to chop off guys’ manhood," I teased. She made a face at me and I chuckled softly. "Bye, I will call you the second I'm near a phone."

I opened the door and headed over to JC's jeep. I think it's safe to say that he's given me his car. He paid it off and never mentioned
anything about what he'd do with it. Regardless, I don't need him to watch me. I'd probably be stuck in some room with stuffed animals and Barbie dolls.

"Have fun!" My mom called after me. I waved and backed out of the driveway. Tonight was going to be......eventful.

....................
There was so much hustle and bustle inside Lance's hotel room, it was crazy. Especially since he was the only one in there. Lance was under the impression that after the show, we were all going out to this fancy dinner. I'm responsible for walking the birthday boy inside his own party. In other words, I'm his "Surprise!" date.

"I'm going into the shower, enter back and forth as you please, just no peaking," I warned as I ran the water.

"You don't have to worry about that," Lance laughed.

I closed the door. I disrobed and stepped into the shower, closing the curtain. Shortly afterward, I heard the door open. I wasn't frightened since I knew the only person it could possibly be.

"I can't believe your friends cancelled on you," Lance said.

"Yeah, something came up. But it's okay, I don't mind hanging out here and watching the show on tv until it's time for us to go to dinner," I said.

Seeing as how I never made plans to go to the movies in the first place, I had no choice but to come here. All this lying just for a surprise party, which I'm sure Joey accidentally told Lance about anyway. Regardless, I was excited to be apart of it. It's been so great getting to know the other members of *NSYNC and letting them get to know me.

"Well if you get lonely, I'm almost positive Justin'll come up here and hang out with you," Lance said.

I scoffed.

"What was that?" he asked.

Uh-oh. I didn't even notice I did that so loud.

"Nothing," I said.

"You're lying, I heard you. Is something going on between you and Justin?" he asked.

Not anymore.

"No, I just don't think it'd be appropriate for him to leave an important event for me," I replied as I reached for my towel. I wrapped it around my body and stepped out, closing the shower curtain behind me.

I know it seems like I'm trying to put the moves on Lance or whatever, but it's quite the opposite. I feel really comfortable with Lance, like we don't have that sort of attraction for one another. No lie, he's hot, but he's a great friend. I don't have the thought in the back of my head that he'll make a move, like I would if it were Justin or JC. We have a different type of companionship.

"Who're you foolin'? I'm not blind or deaf, I see and hear you guys flirt," Lance said as he left, closing the bathroom door behind him.

"That's not true!" I laughed.

I put on the extra clothes I packed in my bag and went back into the room.

"I notice you and JC, too," he mumbled.

"Notice what? How much we annoy each other?" I asked.

"Sure, if annoy is code for how much you wanna sleep with each other," he teased.

I threw a pillow at him. "Go before you get late."

He chuckled. "Alright, catch you later, Zahra."

"Later." The door closed and I waited a few seconds before I moved from my spot on the bed. "I'm in a hotel!"

I stood up on the bed and started jumping around like I was 5 years old. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Glad to see that you're enjoying yourself."

It was like I froze in mid-air. Not only was I caught, but I was caught acting stupid. I knew it was JC, I could spot his voice anywhere. But I wasn't happy about him seeing me so happy, especially since I was still pissed from the last time I saw him. I got off of the bed and sat down on the edge.

JC had on a long dark jacket, an orange shirt, and gray pants. I....yeah, I don't even know. I'm tempted to rip those clothes off him, only so I could put back on something else. I kept quiet. I wasn't in the mood to speak all of a sudden.

"Hey..."

I waved in response.

"I just had to come up and get something I left in here."

I nodded. If there was one thing JC hated, it was being ignored. I felt JC sit down next to me. He smelled so good. Yeah...I'm gonna fold like a paper napkin. Might as well accept it now while I have some dignity
left.

"Zahra, I don't know how to apologize for last time," JC said.

"Say sorry," I suggested.

"I can't....I don't think I was wrong for being upset."

I snapped my head toward him. He doesn't think he's wrong? Oh, I have GOT to hear this.

"Oh yeah?"

"You said the right thing, but you took a piece of my ego with you. Everything you said to me sounded like I was sabotaging your life. I'm
sorry that I was ruining things for you, I didn't mean to," he said.

"Josh, you know that's not what I meant at all."

"Look, we're gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, I've gotta get going. See you later?"

"Fine. Yeah, later."

He waved at me before closing the door and I threw myself back onto the bed. Agree to disagree? Sure, but I still think I'm right. Ahhh. The things I get myself into.

1999: Birthday Bash Crash

I looked in the mirror, taking in my final look. I'd decided to straighten my hair since I had two hours and I figured why not go all out? I rarely get primped up. As a matter of fact, the guys have never seen me in a dress before, especially not a cocktail one. Of course I've worn one to school dances and whatnot, but this was a different type of social event. I was around a new crowd of people who weren't necessarily my peers and were mostly celebrities. I had to look like I belonged there.

"Wow, my butt is really filling out this dress," I said to myself as I grabbed it. Don't judge me.

I heard the doorknob click and I quickly sat down on the bed. I lowered my head, I wasn't sure who it was or who it could be since it was apparent that access to Lance's room wasn't all that exclusive among his bandmates.

"Hey, you ready to go?"

Phew, it was Lance. I lifted my head up with a huge smile. Once I saw who he accompanied by, my smile quickly faded. No way. Even with my luck, I'm still surprised. That can't be who I think it is.

"Oh, let me introduce you. Zahra, this is Britney. Britney, Zahra."

She lifted her hand to shake mine. Yeah, it was who I thought it was. I quickly snapped out of my daze and politely shook her hand.

"Hi, nice to meet you," she said.

"The pleasure is all mine," I responded.

"You look so familiar. Wait, you're the Zahra that hung out with JC and Justin on the backlot of the studio sometimes, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, that's me," I replied.

"I knew it. They talked about you a lot on set. Time flies, huh?"

Right at that moment JC and Justin walked into Lance's room. Thank God, they changed. They both were sporting a nice dress shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. Hmm. Looking good. I realized how they both were looking at me. Why are they staring at me? It wasn't like a stalker stare, but one of those "wow" stares. Why am I getting a "wow" stare? Oh yeahhhh, the dress. I almost forgot about how I was dressed. I guess I didn't look as plain as I thought.

"Yeah....flies fast," I replied.

It felt beyond awkward standing amongst three people who were getting to the peak of their fame, and I was only graduating from high school. I sort of felt like I was falling far behind in my life. But...I never wanted what they wanted. The only thing I had in common with them was I also worked almost my whole life to get where I was. It also felt awkward knowing and experiencing all of what's happened, when only one person was aware.

"I see you two have been reacquainted. Are we ready?" Justing asked, glancing at me.

I nodded. "Yes, all ready."

"Great. After you, ladies," Justin signaled.

I followed Britney out of the door. As we walked I could feel two pairs of eyes glued to me. I was tempted to randomly look back to confirm, but they hadn't stopped looking at me since I was inside Lance's room. Enough proof? I swiftly guided myself over to Lance. I was literally stuck to him as we made our way down to the front of the hotel. I noticed a limo sitting right at the curb and I was praying something serious that we all weren't sharing. I'm not trying to be a brat, but two girlfriends at once is too much for me at the moment.

"Yo Lance, I forgot something in JC's room, so just go on without us, we'll catch up," Justin said.

"Are you sure?" Lance asked.

"Yeah, you and Zahra go on, we'll meet you there," Justin assured.

I knew this was the plan in motion. The driver was aware of where he needed to be heading and it was my job to keep Lance distracted so he didn't notice we weren't going to some fancy restaurant. Piece of cake. I climbed into the limo and was in awe of everything. I'd never been inside a limousine before. Prom WAS coming up, and I'd rather get all my kiddie excitement out now rather than in front of my date, whoever he'll be.

"First time in one of these?" Lance asked as he shut the car door.

"Am I that obvious?" I smiled.

"No, not at all. Pressing numerous buttons in a vehicle is normal," he replied.

I chuckled. "Ha, ha, very funny."

"Hey, um, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable by bringing Britney up and I introducing you," Lance said.

I wasn't uncomfortable, I was more shocked. Shocked in a way that she has the potential to be the one Justin would marry. Who could blame him? She's gorgeous, awesome body, singer, dancer, and flexible. Okay, that last one was perverted, but still. How do I even compare to that? Uncomfortable, I was not. Insecure about why Justin had ever even looked my way, most definitely.

"Why would I be uncomfortable?" I asked.

"You know.....because you like Justin and all," he replied.

"You seem pretty confident about that answer. Tell me what makes you think that," I said.

"I know for a fact that he's into you. But, as for you feeling the same way, I'm not totally sure, but I feel like you do. I stand by my answer."

"Hmm, well I wasn't uncomfortable. Britney seems really nice and I liked meeting her. Maybe we'll get to know each other better tonight."

"Great."

Did I sound like I was a total phony? Yes? Well I wasn't. What I said is true. She's very nice and polite, and we probably will get to know each other better tonight. Anything can happen. But as I sat in thought, I didn't realize how quiet I became. Lance probably thinks I told him a complete lie. Only, I hope he trusts that I was being genuine, although not fully honest.

I felt the car come to a slow stop and all of sudden, I felt nauseated. I wanted this to be over. The door swung open and I was helped out of the car by the driver. Okay. It was my turn to do something important. This was my chance to give Lance his time to shine moment. The second Lance came out of the car, the confusion on his face was indeed a Kodak moment.

"Justin, what's going on?" he asked.

Justin? My name isn't Justin, what the heck? I turned around and DUH, Justin was standing there. Didn't I just finish thinking this was MY
chance? What is he even doing out here? He's supposed to be inside. The annoyed look on my face was enough for Justin to read.

"Um, Zahra's gonna take you inside, I have to go to the car," Justin lied.

"Okay.....come on Zee." Lance held his arm out and I locked mine around it as we walked inside the club. It was dark and so quiet inside. How did the Chris and Joey get a club to be so silent? I mean, there wasn't a peep.

"Zahra, I saw this in a movie once, let's get out of here."

I giggled quietly as I led him through the double doors. The second they closed, the room erupted in strobe lights, music, cheers, and camera flashes. Really bright camera flashes.

"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Lance and his face, all these moments captured on camera. I can't wait to look at these in ten years and laugh my butt off at them.

"You knew!" he smiled as he embraced me, causing more camera flashes. I wasn't used to my picture being taken like that. Maybe I agreed to this before I knew what I was getting myself into. But, it's all for show. I smiled as Lance was greeted by loads of people, celebrities and non. I felt my arm being pulled and in an instant, I was snatched away from Lance. Ugh! Either Justin or JC, I'm not ready to look just yet.

"Ju..." I said as I looked up. ".......Joey?"

"Please don't sound so excited to see me," he replied.

"No! No, stop that," I said. He smiled and shook his head. I didn't ask where he was taking me because from the looks of things, I was being brought up to VIP. Wow, VIP. Once there, I saw all the familiar faces, and one I hadn't seen in a long time, Bobbi. Yes, I've finally stopped calling her names that wasn't hers. At first I really couldn't remember her name, and everything after that.....it just got ridiculously funny.

I went over and greeted everyone. I politely greeted Bobbi. Through gritted teeth, that is. I'll be civil, but it doesn't change that I still feel she's a money milking floozy. Pfft, floozy. Ha. There's something about that girl I just don't trust. I easily went to go find myself a spot to sit down away from the couples crowd. I wasn't going to purposely make myself uncomfortable. My plan was to get through tonight without causing any rifts.

"Hey."

Guess that won't be happening tonight. I turned my attention toward Justin, giving him a close-mouthed smile.

"Hi," I said.

"How have you been? You didn't return any of my calls," he said.

"I've been really busy, you know senior year is winding down. Prom is coming up, and graduation..." I explained.

"Yeah, I completely understand. Um....I didn't tell you before, but...you look so amazing," Justin complimented.

"Thanks J," I said.

"Are you gonna dance with me tonight?" he asked.

I coughed, clearing my throat. "I don't think that would be appropriate, J. Your girlfriend is here and....I'm not trying to cause trouble," I replied.

Justin gave me one of his infamous "what the hell" looks. I know that this was about to lget very ugly, but he'd have to deal with it. No way
was I putting myself into such a situation.

"My girlfriend understands that I'd wanna dance with my best friend," he said firmly.

"I'm not comfortable with it, excuse me."

I stood up, walking past everyone sitting in VIP and made my way downstairs. Dancing sounded like a great idea, actually. I made my way to the floor, seeing that Joey was also there, dancing without a care
in the world. "Where my Girls At?" by 702 was blaring through the speakers, and I boldly grabbed Joey's hand, beginning to dance with
him. Yes Joey has a girlfriend, and I'm sure that's what Justin is going to say to me when he takes me outside to talk.

.......5, 4, 3, 2....

"Can we talk outside?!" Justin had his fingers wrapped around my wrist. I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. Don't tell me I don't know
Justin.

I turned around to face Joey. "Excuse me Joe, I'll be right back. Save me that dance!" I said.

He nodded and continued to keep partying. I followed Justin through the front entrance and leaned against the wall. I knew what was about to happen and I'd honestly try my best to make sure it wouldn't. I couldn't lose him as a friend, no matter how upset I was with him.

"Zahra, what's going on with you? You don't return my calls, you're barely speaking to me, and you completely blew me off for no reason," Justin said.

"Nothing's going on. I was dancing with Joey," I responded.

"Don't lie to me, I wasn't born yesterday. I know that something's up with you. Why can't we talk to each other all of a sudden?" he asked.

I was nervous about talking to Justin about this. I've never taken things between us so seriously before. To feel this way was new for me. I've always liked Justin, but I never thought I would like him so much. I wonder if he'll ever feel the same about me. Guess I'll never find out.

"J, why didn't you tell me that you and Britney were getting together? I mean...the last time we saw each other, you kissed me something
serious and now....I..."

Justin walked closer to me, I knew that he immediately understood what I was feeling. Yet, I barely understood what I was feeling. It was apparent that since JC and I still lived in the same house, our encounters were more than mine with Justin. What I can't understand is why I still feel the way I feel.

"To be honest, Zee, I thought you moved on. We barely spoke to each other in these last couple of months, and when we did, you sounded like you were in the midst of something. Ironic, huh?" he said as he took a
spot next to me on the wall and leaned against it. "I guess you didn't move on...."

"Not really. I am hurt and a little confused, but I'm not in any way unhappy about your relationship. I'll still be here if you let me," I responded.

"If I let you? Don't make me sound like I'm so high and mighty, I'm not. You know that I'd want you to be around no matter what. I love
you, Zahra....."

How I dreamed of hearing those words come from his lips and his voice. But for as long as I've known Justin, I know that his meaning isn't the meaning I wanted from him. He didn't love me the way I wanted him to love me. Regardless, he was my best friend and I needed to be a better one myself if I didn't want to lose him.

"I love you, too, Justin. I'm sorry about the way I've been acting lately. I should've talked to you instead of ignoring how I felt," I said.

"It's fine, now let's go back in there and get this party started right."

I smiled as I locked my arm with his, following him back inside the club. I was happy for him, I really was. I won't deny that my heart felt like it was stung by a bee, though. I could see how much he really loved Britney. He loved her the whole time...

"Zahra!" I shot around and scanned the club to see who was calling me. The strobe lights were going and it was hard to see anyone. I heard my name again, but this time it was accompanied by a touch on the shoulder. I followed the hand up to the face. It was JC. He was smiling hard at me. Too hard. Is he drunk? Already?!

JC tapped Justin and whispered something to him. Justin nodded and unlocked our arms. Um, what? I'm super curious, they know my eyes start twinkling when I see whispering.

"I'll come find you later," Justin told me.

I nodded and let JC whisk me off. Once I snapped back into reality, I saw that JC was leading me further and further away from the music. What was he doing? Oh hey, here's a suggestion: why don't I ASK? I wasn't scared or anything, but I can bet it won't take long for Bobbi to notice that her boyfriend is gone. And so was I.

"JC, where are you taking me?" I asked.

"You'll see, just come on," he replied. I followed him through the back hallways of the club and JC opened the door to some sort of champagne room. It was crazy nice. I felt, though, that we weren't supposed to be back here. Or, I felt that I wasn't supposed to be back here with him....alone.

"This is beautiful," I commented.

"Yeah, it is pretty nice, huh? I wanted to be alone with you away from all the festivities."

Alone with me?

"Why?" I asked.

"To talk to you," he replied.

He's lying. The flirty smile on his face said it all. It said everything. W....he thinks he's slick, huh? Let's see how this goes.

"Talk to me...okay. Talk," I said.

"First, I have to say that you look absolutely stunning. That dress, your hair, that dress," he said as his eyes scanned me.

I chuckled. "You said dress twice."

He bit his lip and nodded. "I know."

I giggled. Ugh! Why? I always get caught up in him. He's just so....ah! I know it's beyond stupid to let anything happen between JC and I, but with the way I'm feeling right now, I don't know if I care enough.

"JC, why are we really in here?" I asked.

He exhaled loudly. "I um, I wasn't expecting to get mad at you the last time I saw you. I know I told I was right earlier, but I wasn't. I was
wrong. I was so mad at you and during that time I came to a conclusion. I feel like I can’t trust myself around you," he explained.

"You can't trust yourself around me?" I repeated. "Meaning what?"

"Meaning I can't control myself when I'm around you. Zee, we live together. That's why I kept it a secret when I came back. I'd rather we keep things that way. I didn't wanna argue then, but right now this is what I have to do," he said.

I was so confused. JC sounded desperate, like he really needed me to agree to his avoiding me. What was going on? I've never seen him like this before.

"Why can't you control yourself around me?" I asked. Am I pushing my luck right now?

"You're such an interesting girl. I mean look at yourself. You're intelligent, funny, and an amazing person to be around. Even though we're completely different, it's like I've been attracted to you like a magnet, Zahra. And that's the reason why I think it'd be better if......I started looking for my own place."

Who was I speaking to right now? It couldn't be Joshua Scott Chasez. No, it couldn't be. This didn't sound like JC to me at all. In all the years I've known JC, I know when something is coming from JC and when something is coming from another person. I felt my anger rise. The mixture rejection and hurt piled on top of this fresh rejection and hurt was brewing in the depths of my stomach and rising at an alarming rate. I felt my breathing speed up.

"Jace, who is this coming from?" I asked.

"What do you mean who? It's coming from me," he replied.

I stared into his eyes. It was like plastic. I saw clear, right through them. I knew it. I know the reason for this entire conversation. That....that Barney is making him say this. I began to stand up and JC threw his arms out to grab me. He locked his arms around my waist. My
short legs and arms were wriggling out in front me, trying to grab something so I could pull away and get to Bobbi.

"Zahra calm down!" JC said.

"She's trying to take you from me and you want me to calm down?!" I screamed.

I let the words I said sink into the air. If JC didn't think I cared about him before, he did now. I don't want JC to move, especially if
he's not ready to. JC doesn't make just stupid decisions when it comes to money being involved. He, with no offense intended, is such a cheapie. If rent is cheap here, which it is, he'll stay. He's never mentioned this to me before, now all of a sudden he's deciding to move?

"Take me away? I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're stuck with me forever. No matter where we go," he whispered into my ear.

I stopped struggling to get free and my arms dropped down. JC's breath in my ear turned my entire body to jello. It was only a matter of time before his lips gently touched against my neck. They were cool and a bit damp.

"You see? This is the reason why I have to go. I can't be faithful to her when I'm around you, Zahra. I can't do it. I've tried and it never fails, we end up kissing," JC said.

"She's making you choose and you've already chosen..."

JC grabbed my chin, turning my head before covering his lips with mine. My natural reaction was a moan as I released the tension in my body. JC's hand rubbed down the fabric of my dress. In my JC sobriety, I never did forget how much I want to feel his hands on my body. I placed my own on top of his and let them follow his trail. I was angry at myself for wanting his hands to caress and grope me. But the sadness I had outweighed everything. I wouldn't have one of my closest companions so close anymore.

"Please don't leave...," I breathed.

JC held me; I could feel the warmth of his body. My backside was pressed tightly against the front of him. He wanted me. I wanted him. I really wanted him. Just like I always did, that never changed. But I almost believed that....I needed him. JC let go of my body and backed away from me.

"Zahra promise me you won't hate me forever."

I watched JC walk away from me. I slumped on the couch. I know I'm wrong for wanting two men that I can't have. But am I wrong for wanting to fight for my friendships?

1999: Birthday Bash Crash 2

I began to feel like coming to this party was a huge mistake. I should've known that I would be caught up in at least ONE drama tonight. Instead of keeping to myself and having a swell time, I let myself get swept away by Justin and then JC. Now....now I feel like shit. Joy. BUT with all that being said, I wasn't going to let my emotions stop me. I wanted to make sure I didn't ruin Lance's night. I'd never forgive myself if I did. It's been decided. I'm going to dance with whomever I like and if there IS a problem, it won't be started by me.

I sat quietly, back up in the VIP area, looking down at all the club guests partying it up for Lance. I randomly glanced around my immediate space and caught Chris' eye. I smiled politely and stood up, walking toward him. I put my hand out in front of him.

"May I have this dance mi'sir?" I asked.

He smiled and placed his hand in mine. "Okay, but don't try any funny stuff, miss."

I giggled as I pulled him down the stairs to the dancefloor. Our dancing was completely innocent, especially since he was 10 years my senior. There were cameras in here and I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea. Besides, Chris thinks of me as a little sister and I feel the same. He's the best big sister, I've ever had.

"Zahra, I can't dance for not one more song. I'm too old for this!" he joked.

"Aw fine you big baby! Come on, let's go get something to drink!" I said.

"You go back up, I'll get you some water!" he offered.

"Thanks!"

As I began to walk up the stairs, I ran into JC halfway. He took my hand and led me back down to the floor. Man, I can't keep going up and down the stairs in these shoes. One or two more times and my feet will fall off. Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill was blasting through the speakers. This was one of his favorite songs and I was thrown by him choosing me for such a slow song. He pulled my waist tightly against his, lifting my arms to wrap around his neck.

"JC.....," I began as I looked into his eyes, which were already attached to me.

"Don't say my name. Every time you do that, something bad follows it. I only wanna dance with you, and possibly sing to you because I love this song," he teased.

"Considering our little discussion, I'm confused as to why you're even dancing with me," I said.

"This is why I wanted you to promise you weren't gonna hate me. I'm getting my own place, I thought you'd be happy for me."

"I would be happy if I felt like you didn't have help deciding this."

"Zahra come on, lay off alright. Let's just dance."

"Fine, we can dance. I don't think we've ever slow danced before, though," I said.

"I'm sure we'll share many more. Oh and speaking of dancing, when's your prom?" he asked.

"Right around the corner, two weeks from now," I replied.

"Do...do you have a date?" he asked.

I snorted. "Nope. I've been hearing that someone was supposed to ask me though. You know how high school can be, all rumors."

"Zahra, do you even date any guys from school?" he asked.

Yeah! That one ti....wait no, that didn't happen. Oh and that other tim...nope, that wasn't even me.

"Pfft, yeahhh, there was this one time at b...oh no that's a movie. I.....guess I don't," I replied.

"You give anyone a chance at all?"

"I don't know. There's a select few guys that are my closest friends. I don't think I ever paid attention enough to notice if any of them were
into me in a certain way, though....wow that's pathetic."

.....pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. Ooh, did I mention pathetic? When did my life become this vicious circle of me, Justin, and JC? Summer of 1993 in Orlando, Florida. That's when.

"You're not pathetic. To be honest, I don't know if I could handle you dating someone else," JC said.

"But....you date someone else...." I watched the sparkle in his eyes disappear in an instant. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was only telling
the truth.

"I meant that it’d be weird because I also feel protective over you.”

"How do you continue to date someone else if you feel like that? By this time I already know you like me, you can't deny it anymore," I
whispered into his ear. Even though the music drowned out our conversation anyway, I want him to actually listen to what I said to him.

"It's complicated, you know that."

"Yeah, I bet it is," I snipped.

JC spun me around, pressing his body against my backside. His arms shot into the air, rolling his body against me as I swayed my hips in the same direction. It was too late before I noticed how lost in him I got. I loved to feel him against me and that's where I got in trouble. I let his hands touch me in places that if it wasn't so dark, there'd be a problem. As if I didn't feel there was one already.

This isn't a good idea. In fact, this is the worst possible idea on the planet and I need to get away. I can't dance with JC anymore, I have to pull away now. The second I began to turn around to let JC know the deal, Joey came over to cut in. Yes! Saved by the Joe. I willingly excused myself. The look JC had on his face, said it all. But we didn't have to go through this shit again. I kept letting him reel me in and he ends up leaving me hanging. Every single time. And I let him, because I was so blinded by my love for him.

1999: Oh - After Party - Crap

Lance's party had a great a turnout, it ended at about 2 am. Besides all the personal things I had going on, I had a really great time. Probably the best time in a long while. JC invited everyone back to my house for a smaller gathering. The plan was just to hang out until everyone passed out from being tired. I honestly didn't want to stay in the basement, but Lance talked me out of it. His exact words were, “Come on, don't be a party pooper."

I was fairly quiet. I wasn't in the mood to talk, and I listened to everyone else chatter amongst each other. I would get a look from Justin and a look from JC every once in awhile. But the only look that got me riled up was from Bobbi. What was she up to?

"So, Zahra, how long have you known JC and Justin?" Bobbi suddenly asked. All eyes shot to me, and the only innocent look was Britney's, everyone else seemed know otherwise.

"Um, since I was about 12," I replied politely.

"So you all grew up together, isn't that cute. I remember JC saying you had a crush on him and Justin, was that true?" she asked.

Oh that sneaky, money stealing, bitch.

"No, but I heard that you were a g--"

"Zahra, when's your prom?" Joey asked quickly. Saved by the Joe. Again.

"Um, in two weeks," I replied.

"Great, do you have a date?" he asked.

"Of course she doesn't, she's too busy trying to take what doesn't belong to her," Bobbi interrupted.

I felt the blood leave my brain, racing through my veins, and boiling to maximum temperature. I began to breathe heavily. My fists began to ball up. JC quickly grabbed Bobbi and pulled her upstairs. I began to bite down on my bottom lip and bounce my leg up and down. Lance grabbed my hands, trying to calm me down.

"I'm gonna call it a night. Britney it was nice to see you again, hopefully we don't lose touch. Joe, Chris, Lance...I had a blast thanks to you guys. Justin, be my security guard and walk me to my prison, please?"

He nodded and walked up the stairs ahead of me. My sole intent on going upstairs was, in all honesty, knocking out Bobbi's front teeth. But I know that with Justin and JC there, I wouldn't even be able to get to her. Lucky bitch.

As we were walking out of the kitchen to head to the staircase, I heard angry whispering in the den. They were arguing, obviously over me. Guess she saw us dancing and she has night-vision. Doesn't surprise me since she's an evil bat.

I was safely escorted to my room, where I plopped face down into my bed. I felt pressure next to me, and I concluded that Justin was staying with me for a minute.

"Zahra, what was that about?" Justin asked.

"Ask McBitchy down there," I replied.

"No, I meant....do you and JC have something going on?" he asked.

"Why does it matter, Justin?" I asked.

He registered my response and stood up, walking toward the door. I couldn't keep myself contained, I began to cry. I hated crying, I hated people seeing me cry, but I cried. Justin stopped in his tracks and turned around. Immediately, he was back sitting next to me.

"Justin....I don't like feeling the way I'm feeling. I hate it. I can't even express to you how much I hate it. I'm frustrated because I'm always so confused about everything."

"Zee.."

"And then HER? She comes into my house and has the nerve to stir up trouble in front of everybody?"

"Maybe she was only pointing out what some of us were wondering about..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, wiping away my tears.

"I'm not an idiot. You don't have to tell me something was going on between you and JC, I already knew. What shocks me is you let me think that you liked me."

"I do like you Justin," I said.

"Right...you liked me so much, you were kissing me and doing things with my best friend, too?"

"Justin...."

"You know why I moved on, Zahra?" he asked. "Because once I realized what was going on between you and JC, I was hurt. I felt exactly the same way you do now. Stupid and played. You can't expect Bobbi not to be upset when it's obvious you were doing things with her boyfriend. God Zee, what kind of fantasy world do you live in?"

I didn't even bother to look at him. He was right, but I didn't want to hear all that. I didn't want to hear anything he was saying. I wanted him to tell me I was right, not that I was the bad guy in all of this. You know what? With the way I'm feeling right now, I don't even care.

"Yeah, okay," I finally said.

"That's all you have to say?" he asked.

"I need to go to bed, have a safe flight."

"Fine Zahra. You're still my best friend and I still love you. I only hope that you know I said those things because I truly care about you. Don't hate me."

He stood up and left, closing the door behind him. I changed out of my clothes, hit the light, and dozed off. I was done....with everything.

 

I shut the entire world of pop superstardom out of my life. I didn't make calls, I didn't take calls. I became completely immersed in school. I spent all my time doing homework, studying, and hanging out with friends whether it be for school activities or just fun. Though I was avoiding the first and last letters of NSYNC, a part of me wouldn't let myself miss everything. I saw their VMA performance on MTV, it was great. I was happy for them. I watched their Pay-Per-View concert special, which was also amazing. I was glad to see that things were working out so well. For all of them.

I can't say if I knew when JC was home or not. To be honest, I'm not even sure he lives here anymore. It's been a long time since I've seen or talked to them. Almost half a year. I did keep in touch with Lance, though. He kept me up to date what was going on. But he forgot to
mention one thing.

1999: Trust > or = to Friendship > Betrayal

I was astounded when I turned on the news this morning. NSYNC was being sued by Lou Pearlman. Okay, time out. Isn't this Lou guy the one who signed them? Why out of the blue is he suing them? I left my room and ran downstairs to the living room. I had to ask someone who probably knew more than I did. My mother. Yeah, seems funny, but the guys have never had a problem talking to my mom. She is older and can give them wise advice. And I'm sure that during this time, they've been talking to their own parents as well.

"Moooom! Madre!" I called as I walked past the kitchen and over to the dining room. No one to be found. I walked back to the living room, checked the office, but she wasn't there. What's going on? I just heard her no less than 10 minutes ago and her car is still here. Where could she....aw no. She was downstairs and that could only mean...

I went to the door and placed my hand on the knob. I took a deep breath. I....I can't go down there. I just can't. I started taking steps back, until I ultimately ran back to my room. I shut the door, then turned my television back on. I wasn't ready to see or speak to anyone. I also didn't want to bring on more stress. I guess I didn't need to find out right then what was going on. They were going to be on tv soon, so I could find out from there.

I stayed up in my room for as long as I could. I heard hushed chatter downstairs, so my only assumption was that my mother and JC moved their conversation up to the living room. How am I supposed to go about seeing someone I've been ignoring for six months? There was no way to explain that in front of my mom; she has no idea what happened.

"Yesterday....all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay, Oh, I believe in yesterday....”

No idea where that came from. But now I had to play the song. I looked for my Beatles album and placed it into my CD player. I put on the song and let the words fill me.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly....
Why....she....had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say
I....said....something wrong, now I long for yesterday

"Yesterday...love was such an easy game to play..."

I froze dead in my spot. My knees felt weak and my stomach was in knots. The small, almost nonexistent, hairs stood on the back of my neck. That voice. It seemed to sound better every single time I heard it. I didn't want to turn around, I knew who I was gonna see and I didn't want to see him.

"Why....she....had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say. I....said....something wrong, now I long for yesterday..."

And yet I'm gonna hold my tears and turn around.

"Hi, Zahra."

Time seemed to slow down, as if I was seeing JC for the first time in my life. I was looking into his eyes and I felt my composure slipping away. The tears started to well up in my eyes, clouding my vision. JC stayed perfectly still, watching me, probably unsure of what I might do. The Beatles were still playing in the background. I dropped my head to hide the fact that I was now letting tears cascade down my face. I had so many emotions inside me and my heart chose to let them out now. I threw my arms around JC's neck and hugged him. I didn't know what else to do. I figured I must have caught JC off guard since he didn't hug me back right away. I started to get a feeling of being embarrassed, until I felt his arms wrap around me, tightly.

"Zahra. Hey, don't cry, don't cry," JC consoled.

I took a minute to get myself together and once I did, I offered JC a seat. I needed to explain myself to him. Hell, I needed to explain myself to myself. I have no idea what just happened here. In all of these six months, my emotions have been brewing and contained. Hearing JC sing was the strong force breaking through my barrier.

"Um. I--," I started.

"Six months, and everyday I thought about you. You've been avoiding me...why? What'd I do wrong?" JC asked.

"Josh, The last time I saw you was my most embarrassing moment to date. And I didn't wanna be apart of it anymore," I replied.

"I'm sorry about what happened. I never meant for things to get so terrible. I hadn't heard from you, Justin hadn't heard from you, we've been worried."

I scoffed. "Yeah right. Why would you both be worried about me? You each have someone to occupy your time, I just needed to occupy mine."

"Zahra, don't be that way. You know that we both love and care about you, just like we know you love and care about us."

I do love and care about them, they're my best friends. I shouldn't have pushed them away, but it was the only way I knew how to keep myself out of the drama. I didn't want Britney to feel like she had to be cautious of my relationship with Justin. Actually, Justin made it clear that our relationship was purely platonic. At least I think he did. Yeah. I think.

"I do love and care about you guys. But please understand that I don't want to be a threat to your relationship, so if you decide to move out or have done so already, I wish you the best," I said, half smiling.

JC smiled, ruffling his hair with his fingers. I wasn't sure how genuine I sounded to him, but I did mean it. There was no way I'd be patting myself on the back if JC wasn't comfortable staying in the house. I wouldn't be able to even look at him knowing he was miserable here. He's 23, a grown man, and thanks to being apart of NSYNC he's more prepared than ever to be on his own. It's selfish of me to hold him back, even though I can't imagine this house without him now.

I blinked repeatedly as I felt my eyes start to well up with tears again. Nope, no, suck it up Zee, not right now. I took a deep breath and composed myself.

"I don't know what makes you think you'll ever stop being a threat, but you're terribly misinformed."

What is he talking about? JC always has to say the smoothest lines ever. He doesn't even know he's smooth because he's so serious about what he said. But, me always being a threat? That's the smoothest of them all.

"Excuse me?"

"You'll never stop being a threat until I have you. Even when I don't have you, I'll still want you."

My heart started racing. See? Smooth. Why the hell would he say that to me if he can't back it up at all? Why do forces keep working against me? I don't want to be in the middle of a love triangle.

"Tel me what you mean," I said.

"What's so hard to understand? As long as you're still walking on this earth, you'll be a threat to every relationship I'll have."

I don't know how to feel about that response. Why won't he just let me go? What is so special about me that JC continues to risk his relationship?

"You don't have to let me be one, JC."

"That's right, I don't but...I honestly can't say that I won't let you be one. I love Bobbi, I do, but I can't help but think about what's been festering between us for so long."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say that you won't stop fighting for me, because I won't stop fighting for you," he said.

"How am I supposed to believe anything you say right now?" I asked.

The bottom line was, he had a girlfriend. It was becoming hard to accept that he had feelings for me. I'm not in the wrong about this, I know I'm not. I don't want to be one of those delusional girls. You know, those ones who believe that their mister is going to leave his wife or girlfriend because he says he "loves" her.

"You're supposed to believe me because I've been showing you how much I care about you," he replied.

I shook my head. "Know what JC? You didn't even want to admit you had feelings for me to begin with. When I told you yes, you denied it and told me no. How do I know you're not sticking around so you can keep me as your number one fan?"

JC sighed heavily, dragging his fingers through his hair, obviously frustrated. He stared at me with stern eyes. I could tell that with every word I said, I was shattering his heart by the dozens. As much as he thought he was hurting, it hurt me even more to realize that he didn't care about me enough to stop me from ruining his relationship.

"What do you want me to do so I can prove to you that I want to be with you?"

Break up with Bobbi! Duh!

"When you figure that out Josh, you'll let me know," I replied.

"Zahra."

"Jace."

He chuckled softly. "You're such a stubborn jackass."

"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?" I shot.

JC shook his head. "Touché. You gonna come visit me?"

"Visit you where?"

"My new apartment," he replied.

"New apartment?" I repeated. He moved out. He really moved out. I wasn't expecting him to actually move out. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I wanted you to be the first to see it," he replied.

1999: The Apartment

This isn't a bright idea knowing that I haven't seen JC for six months. I just had to see where his puppet-master, also known as his girlfriend, picked out for him to live. I decided to let him drive his jeep, since he hadn't been behind the wheel in a long while. I sat quietly, listening to him hum softly along with the radio.

"I miss this," I said. It was sudden, completely off the wall and out of nowhere, but I've been thinking about it for the longest.

"Miss what?" he asked.

"This. Right now. Being in the car with you, hanging out, I miss us before all these emotions became involved," I answered.

"The only thing that has changed is how we're handling our emotions, not us."

The car came to a stop and I looked around not even noticing how short of a drive it was. I got out of the car, taking in my surroundings. This was more than familiar, I'd passed by here a few times. His apartment wasn't really an apartment, he lived in a freakin' house. Why would he downplay where he lived? It was in a gated area and eerily quiet. I tip-toed behind JC as he walked up to his new home and he let me in ahead of himself. I was in awe, it looked so small from the outside, but it was a vast amount of space.

"Wow."

"Come on, I'll give you a tour," JC said as he grabbed my hand.

We were already in the living room, he showed me the kitchen, his dining room, and the patio. The kitchen had marble counter tops, with wood finished cabinets. The floor was tiled nicely, with all stainless steel appliances. The dining room had a wood floor and a nice modern dining table set for six. There was a beautiful hanging chandelier, which could adjust light dimness. The patio was a nice size. JC had set up patio chairs and a table on it, and his yard space was grassy and spacious. I was beginning to feel beyond comfortable here. There was such a "home" feeling to it.

I was a bit unsure when he took me upstairs; it went straight up from between the front entrance and the living room area. The steps were coated in a new champagne-colored carpet and the rail was a sort of cherrywood, I'm not all that sure, but it was nice. JC showed me the first two bedrooms, they were very simple. Only a bed and dresser were in each of them, but the closet spaces were amazing. The bathroom was so nice; there was a bathtub AND a separate shower. Next on the tour came the master bedroom. JC's bedroom. I was instantly in love. The room was huge, with high ceilings, and a ceiling fan that looked like it was made for the year 2003. He had this king size bed and drapery that hung from the ceiling hovering over it. I am so jealous.

"This is beautiful," I complimented.

"Thanks. Hey, you know that extra room over there?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"If you ever need to just get away, it's always open for you."

"That's so sweet. Thank you."

"No problem. My bathroom is a bit messy, so I won't show you that until I get it together," he smiled.

"That's fine," I laughed. "I better get going." I began to unlatch my fingers from his.

"Don't," he said softly. His index finger held onto my middle one, taking my fingers one by one as he pulled me back to him. "Don't go."

"JC," I began.

"I'd like to share a moment with you in my new place."

JC wanted to share a moment with me. He wanted me to be the first one he kissed and touched and said he loved? Impossible. There's no way I believe that Bobbi wasn't here before I was. I don't understand why JC wants to keep pulling me back into this, when it's all very simple what he could do.

"Am I really the first person who has been here?" I asked.

"Yes, you are. I haven't told anyone I moved except for the guys, but they still haven't been here yet. You're the first, I swear it," he responded.

"Okay, what kind of moment, JC?"

"Hug me."

I twisted up my face in confusion. He wanted me to hug him? It was if JC read my thoughts because he nodded slightly and opened his arms. I walked into them and swung my arms up, crossing around his neck. His hands were placed against my back, softly rubbing up and down.

"You probably might not believe me, but I missed you more than you'd ever let me show you," JC whispered into my ear.

"Shit," I mumbled.

JC knows that I wasn't avoiding him because my feelings for him changed, but because neither of us could keep ourselves in control. I didn't like being humiliated and I ESPECIALLY didn't like being humiliated by Barky. She decided to show herself in front of everyone on top of trying to get Britney to play on her side. I don't want to lose Justin as a friend either because of all this drama.

He was doing the very thing I didn't want him to do. His hands rested against my lower back. I felt his body inhale and exhale as he was breathing. The scent of his cologne became frozen inside of my nose, the only thing I was taking in. Once I felt my hidden urges begin to boil in the pit of my stomach, I knew who had won this battle. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid, yet my fucking stupidity isn't stopping me. I rubbed my fingertip against his chin and softly pecked his lips. I saw his pupils dilate and he pecked my lips back. Before I could make my next move, JC's lips were covering mine, initiating our first actual kiss in months. I pulled on his bottom lip, kissing down his defined chin to reach his neck. I slid my tongue across the side of it, taking the skin between my teeth at times.

"Ah. Mmm," JC moaned. It came out of nowhere, catching me off guard a bit. I think I found a sensitive spot. His hands dug into my lower back, and his breath was warm against my ear. He began to walk me forward until his lower backside hit the edge of his bed. There was a little step, with two stairs, and JC climbed onto his bed. His hands grasped my waist and instantly I was lifted off of the floor, with both of my legs over each side of his body.

"JC."

"Zahra you're killing the mood. Shut up and kiss me," JC quipped as he took my chin and pushed my lips against his.

I gently placed my hands on his chest and pushed him. He dramatically fell onto his back causing me to fly forward. I caught myself, the top half of my body hovering over his. I went right back to kissing the spot on his neck, running my fingers up his arms and pinning his wrists down. I heard another sexy moan in my ear; this time it came along with a firmness I felt against my thigh. Shit, shit, shit. He lifted his body up on his arms and carefully switched our positions. He signaled for me to place my head on one of his pillows, and I did so. What was he going to do? Better yet, am I about to let him do it?

JC placed his body between my thighs, kissing me again. By this time my hair was out, spread across the pillow. The passion marks on my neck were evident and defined. My top was being pulled up over my head and taken off. JC's kisses traveled from my neck to the middle of my cleavage. His lips were soft, a little damp. He placed his eyes back on mine while his fingers toyed with the strap of my bra. Was this really about to happen? Were we about to have sex?

"Zahra, we don't have to do anything you don't want to," JC said. I guess he saw the worry on my face. I tried to think about the consequences and with no surprise to me, I let my hormones drown out those thoughts.

I placed my hand on my shoulder and pulled down the bra strap. JC kissed the next shoulder, pulling down the strap, and forcing his hand under my back. He unsnapped my bra with his fingers, slowly taking it off. His eyes were glued to my now revealed breasts. I wasn't sure if he was in shock or turned on, but it didn't stop him from placing his lips on me. He circled his tongue around my nipple, it drove me crazy.

Once I let out small moan, JC's soft and gentle approach went right out the window. His teeth bit down on my nipple while his hands began to fidget with the button on my jeans. His tongue trailed down my thigh while he was taking them off.

My legs were bare, the only piece of clothing being my underwear. JC came up on his knees, then pulled his shirt up over his head. I rubbed my fingers across his biceps, his skin was so soft. I trailed my fingers down his chest until I met with his jeans. I began to undo the
button, taking down the zipper. What the hell am I doing? JC took the reins and stripped down to his boxers. The sight of his "V" made me hot, his body is so great. I pulled him by his neck and began to roughly kiss him. I wanted him and I wanted him now. He fell back between my thighs, where I forced my hand between our bodies and into his boxers.

"Fuck," JC quietly moaned.

I wanted to feel all of what made him a man. I probably wouldn't be doing all of this if it wasn't JC, but the mere reason I am doing this is because it is JC. I felt his firmness and my body's natural reaction began to happen. As I pushed and pulled the skin in my hands, I closed my eyes, listening to the sound of his moans in my ear. I was in a complete state of bliss. No one hate me for what I'm about to say.

"JC....make love to me..."

JC's head shot up and he stared into my eyes. I guess I shocked him, too.

"I'm gonna take my time."

He pulled my hand from in between us and lifted my arm above my head. For the first time in all my years of knowing JC, he was looking at me like he felt something real for me and I believed it. JC kissed my lips as I felt his hand slide down my stomach, beneath my underwear.

"Relax," he whispered into my ear.

I nodded slightly and released all the nervous energy I could in one breath. While I was letting go of air, I felt his finger slowly glide inside me. I winced, feeling my body tense right back up. JC repeated the word 'relax' to me and slowly pushed his finger deeper.

My hand squeezed his back. "Jace."

JC pulled his hand back, then pushed forward again, establishing the motion he wanted. I know he didn't push as far as he could have for my own expense, but I didn't mind, all I cared about was that he was here with me. I gasped at the feeling that washed over my body. This really felt good. Huh. I see why so many girls experimented in school now.

I placed both my hands on JC's back and widened my legs. I felt chills down my spine, feeling the push and pull of his middle finger. I placed my face by his ear so he could hear me. I already experienced that it was something he enjoyed. His face was getting red, he was getting so turned on. Why didn't he just get to what we both know he wanted to do? What was he waiting for? As I felt his finger creep deeper into me, my moans rose, he was hitting a certain spot that had my knees buckling while I was lying down.

"Oh my god," I moaned.

I was digging into his back, his pace continued to be steady and I was practically begging him to go faster. He wouldn't, though. JC knew what he was doing, he knew what he wanted to accomplish. I, on the other hand, was clueless. I realized, as I approached my climax, that JC wanted some intimacy. We weren't having intercourse, but he still wanted to experience feelings that went into it with me. It all made sense. Maybe.

I moaned out, my body shaking like crazy, legs locked up, just riding the wave. I did nothing, and I was completely exhausted. JC slid his finger into his mouth and I almost fainted. What was he trying to DO to me? If he was trying to convince me to take it slow, he was doing a horrible job. He kissed me slowly, tongue massaging up against mine; the most sensual kiss I'd ever gotten from him.

"I guess this'll be the last time you let me have cake and eat it, too," JC spoke into my ear. He stayed in his position, his head was resting on my shoulder.

"I say that and I keep ending up right back to the beginning," I said.

"You did say that you would become irresistible to me, and you are, it's just, I didn't know I was irresistible to you."

JC brushed his lips against my neck, his fingers caressing my bare skin. His touch was still so gentle. The way he was holding me, and speaking to me. It was almost as if...no, I won't even think anything like that.

"I'd better go," I said as I began to sit up, holding the sheets across my chest.

"I really want you to stay, Zahra. But if you must, I have something to give you," JC said as he got up. He walked over to his dresser and opened up his top drawer. I watched him pull something out and he walked back. He leaned over on top of his bed and handed me a key.

"What's this?" I asked.

"A key to my place," he replied.

A key? Say what? JC does realize he's giving me a key, right? Like, um, a key to his home.

"JC, why are you giving me a key?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't I? I need someone to take care of this place when I'm gone and you're the only person I'd trust," he replied.

"Oh. Oh wow. I wasn't, are you sure about this?" I asked.

"Zahra would you just take the damn key!" he laughed.

I tried to keep myself from smiling as I took the key into my hand. I can't believe JC gave me a key to his house. Not only that, he trusts me enough to let me have it. Is this a major milestone in our mess of a relationship? It could be. I can't get rid of the feeling that maybe we just took a huge step backward. Because I know we did.

I had the key to JC's house for two weeks and I hadn't been back since the last time I was there. I wasn't scared or anything, I just wasn't sure. Was it really okay for me to be at his house when he wasn't at home? I felt like....I felt like the second I stepped foot into his home, Bobbi was either going to be there or come there. Of course, I'd enjoy ripping her a new asshole, but I'd prefer the nonviolent approach. I'll go out on a limb and say that yes, I'm a total tramp because I continue to let Josh be unfaithful, but at least I want JOSH and not what I can use from his status to advance myself.

At this point, what's happening between JC and I is completely uncontrollable. We've tried to keep ourselves from one another and we
just can't. I mean come on, six months of avoiding the man and we STILL couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. It's so much more deeper than lust between us. I only wish that JC knew that.

1999: Nothing's wrong, we can fix it.

Hallows Eve! Yes, it was that time of year. Autumn, Fall, beginning of school, whatever you wanna call it. I didn't want to be extremely excited about Halloween at first because I'm 18 and I'm supposed to be too old, but screw that I plan on having fu--

"ZAHRA!!!"

"Yes, Mom!"

"The guys are in town!!"

Fun. I planned on having fun.

I threw on my Rugrats slippers and hightailed it downstairs. Yeah, I said Rugrats. I walked into the kitchen about to go completely bananas,
when I saw that my mom was surrounded by company. Male company. Five white, male companions. Son. Of. A. Bitch. I was wearing nothing but a long t-shirt, aka my pajamas. Why is it no one ever comes here when I have on some actual clothes!

"Nice outfit," Lance smirked.

"Get bent," I quipped

"Zahra," my mom warned.

I shook my head, rolling my eyes. Of course when after I turned my head. I'm a smart ass, but I'm not ridiculously insane.

"Mom, how is it every time this happens, I never know? Why do you guys insist on doing that to me?" I asked.

"It's a lot more fun this way," my mom said.

I heard Justin and Joey's snicker. Oh HA! When did my mom become the smart alec queen? I turned away, rolling my eyes as I shook my head. Mom was something else.

"Maaa," I whined.

"I'm only joking, I didn't even know they were coming this time, Scout's honor," she said.

"What are you guys even doing here?" I asked. I wasn't even conscious that I hadn't seen or spoken to Justin in a little over six months. He was beaming. I guess being with Britney was the best thing for him. I'd never seen him so dreamy-like before. He didn't seem angry at me or anything. Regardless, I needed to talk to him and apologize for my behavior.

"I guess that question means you didn't watch the Radio Music Awards," Chris replied.

"Oh stop, of course I watched it, I just wasn't expecting you guys to still be in town," I said.

"Have any plans for Halloween?" Chris asked me.

"My plan was to throw a party at JC's house, but you guys just HAD to show up and ruin it," I joked.

That's not a bad idea, actually.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," Justin said. I glanced up at him quickly. How is it he can still read my thoughts?

"Yeah, just go ahead and plan it, I'm not standing here or anything," JC said.

I smiled, shaking my head. "Aw, come on Jace, it'll be fun. I'll stay and clean afterward, I cross my heart and stick a needle in your eye," I vowed.

"Fine....hey wait, MY eye?!" JC exclaimed.

I giggled and pat his shoulder. "You won't feel anything, I'm sure of it."

"How are you guys gonna plan a party when tomorrow is Halloween?" JC asked.

"C, we're in a "boy band", we can do anything," Justin replied.

JC chuckled and threw his hands up. Chris, Joey, and Lance followed JC into the basement and Justin stuck around to get some water. Yes! Halloween party tomorrow. I...I have to go get a costume.

"Oh man, I just remembered I have to get a costume now," said Justin.

Okay, now I'm feeling invaded by this, blue-eyed, perfect smile, curl--

"You grew out your hair...," I said to myself.

Obviously, I wasn't as quiet as I thought, because Justin turned around. I froze. I froze? I'm not a kid anymore, how can he still have that effect on me? His facial expression was gentle, but I could easily see that he was uncertain about what his next move.

"I have decided to grow my hair out, yeah," Justin said to me.

What do I say? What do I do? Have I said anything? What do I say?!

"Hi."

Oh no. I slapped my hand over my forehead. Justin laughed quietly.

 

"Look."

"I'm."

We both laughed at our simultaneity and stood quietly. Okay, I needed to speak first.

"J, I'm sorry for avoiding you for so long. I guess, no I know, what you said was right and I apologize. I just want you to know that I wasn't playing games with you. Anything that happened between us, it was all honest," I began.

"Thank you. I shouldn't have thrown whatever you and JC had going on in your face. It was none of my business and I'm sorry I did that. And I want to let you also know, that on my end, it was all honest, too. I know I left you hanging and went into another relationship, I didn't mean for things to happen the way it did. None of it was to spite you, I really thought you moved on," Justin explained.

"Everything happens for a reason, right? It's in the past, it's behind us," I said.

"Good. Don't ever avoid me for so long again, though. You'll never
understand how worried I was about you. I couldn't sleep most of the
time because I was so worried. I've missed you, Zee-licious," he smiled.

"Zee-licious? New nickname, please," I laughed.

"No, trust me, Zee-licious is the name for you," said.

"Why?" I asked.

Justin walked over to me, leaning on the counter. I fought the urge to look into his blue eyes until I finally gave in. It was disgusting how easy it was for me to turn into pudding before his gaze. God, this kid was beyond the definition of gorgeous.

"Because let's not forget, I do remember how you taste." His fingertip grazed my lip and he coolly walked off toward the living room.

I sat in complete and utter shock. Mostly because that was so terribly lame. We finally get things into the open, and he flirts like we never missed a beat. This guy. I got up, following him into the living room. I actually had something I needed to speak to him about. I never got a chance to ask JC because, we, yeah that's what happened.

I sat down next to Justin on the couch, trying to get my thoughts together. I wasn't sure if what I wanted to inquire about was touchy or not. I definitely didn't want to overstep my boundaries, but I needed to know what was going on.

"Justin."

"Zahra," he answered, turning toward me.

"It's been a little over six months since we've spoken and I just want to know if there's anything you wanted to tell me but didn't get a
chance to."

"You want details on the lawsuit, right?" he asked.

I couldn't pinpoint his emotion, so I still wanted to tread softly. "Not really details, just an overview of what's happening."

Justin chuckled softly. "I'll explain it to you, babe."

"Babe?" I teased.

Justin smiled and laid back on the couch. His head was on the cushion, turned toward me. He looked unbearably beautiful. I missed seeing him in his natural state, not in designer clothes and expensive sunglasses. His basketball shorts, his tennis shoes, and a sweatshirt, he looked his best.

"Oh ha freaking ha. Anyway, you know the Backstreet Boys filed a suit against Lou Pearlman, right?" Justin began.

I nodded slightly.

"Well that got us thinking and we started going over a few finances. We realized that we were doing all these performances, being worked to exhaustion and the pay we were receiving wasn't at all matching up. My mom got a professional to look at things, including our contract, and he informed us of what we'd agreed to. So, the guys and myself decided to have a meeting and discuss the details..."

Justin trailed his last few words and with the way I was hanging on his every word, you would think he was a live action soap opera or
something.

"Okay, then what?" I asked.

"The meeting got a little ugly. JC left on a light note, though. We decided right then and there that we needed to get out of our contract, we want to go to another label. And the minute we made that decision, we're slapped with a lawsuit. Bringing us to here. You know, he's trying to threaten us with taking away our name."

"What? You can't be serious. How dare he think he can take your name, he didn't give it to you." I was pissed, damn near ready to rip this Lou's face off.

"Yeah can you imagine all of our parents' reactions?" he smiled.

"You're smiling, but you and I both know you're scared."

Justin reached out and touched my cheek. "I am. In the blink of an eye, everything I've wanted and worked for is going to be snatched away from me. Just like that."

"Don't give up so easily. Don't let this man take away everything. You guys fight back, and you fight with everything you can. You'll get through it, I promise," I said.

"You always know what to say, Zahra. Now...I have something to ask you. Was what I said to you the only reason you wouldn't take my calls?" he asked.

I can't be honest with him, not right now at least. It would be unfair to put him in an awkward position by being truthful.

"Yes. I needed some time to think about everything that was taking place in my life," I replied.

I lied. I couldn't tell him that I wouldn't be able to hear his voice or see his face without the reminder that he belonged to someone else. I didn't want our relationship to be like what I was desperately trying to stop with me and JC.

"Zahra...we've known each other for quite awhile now. I may not have been here every single day, but I know when you're lying to me. I only hope in due time, you'll tell me the truth."

1999: El Halloween Fiesta!

Finally, it was the night of the Halloween party. I was beyond excited, and then I found out JC invited Bobbi. Was I barking mad? Hell yes! He knows that woman can't stand me and I can't stand her sparkly, glitzy ass. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but I just had a bad feeling about this.

"Joshua, I'm going to murder you!" I yelled as I stomped up the stairs of his home. I pinned a decoration on the wall and I barged into his room.

"JC, I--. Oh my God, I'm sorry!"

I stood frozen, staring at JC's bare body. He was completely naked, and wet. He was obviously fresh out of the shower. His hair was soaked and laid atop his head. Damn.... Completely caught of guard by my entrance, JC grabbed his towel and covered his body. I snapped back into reality and covered my face.

"Oh, NOW you cover your face? You've already seen everything!" JC exclaimed.

I snickered. I chuckled. I giggled. I giggled hard. I laughed my butt off. I couldn't stop it, actually.

"What's so funny, Zahra?" he asked.

"I saw you naked, Jace.”

JC shook his head, smiling. He ran his fingers through his wet hair, chuckling softly.

"You pervert," he teased.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to walk in on you, but my....what a man you are," I smiled.

JC bashfully bit his lip while he gathered his clothes. "I'm starting to think you planned on walking in on me."

"Well, before the group I sort of did plan walking into you when you just came out the bathroom, but this was totally on accident. I came up here to kill you, actually."

JC walked back into his bathroom to put his clothes on. "What? Kill me, what'd I do?" he called.

I threw myself up onto his bed, making myself comfortable. Almost instantly I wanted to fall asleep. His bed had to be made from heaven
and feathers.

"You're putting me at the same party as your girlfriend. JC, you know that's a bad idea," I called back.

"How about you guys act like adults and squash the stupidity?" he asked, coming out of the bathroom with shorts and a t-shirt on.

"We could, if I still wasn't carrying on with her boyfriend."

"Zahra."

"Joshua, if I avoid you tonight, don't take it personal and don't come seek me out," I said.

"You're taking thi--"

"No, I'm not. The more we try to fight the attraction between us, the hotter and stronger it becomes. I really don't fancy being the "other woman". I think we should just cool it, you know?"

"All I'm hearing is that things are better for you when we don't speak."

"I didn't say that. How am I supposed to feel about this? If you'll cheat on her with me? Who would you cheat on me with?" I asked.

"Zahra, this is different and you know that!"

I shot up from my horizontal position. "How is it different? Don't you often wonder what kind of girl goes after a man who's taken? Don't you wonder if she'll do the same to you?!"

"No, I don't wonder that about you. And I would never do that to you, Zahra."

"How do I know that, JC?" I asked.

"Because I love you too damn much."

My heart stopped mid-beat. Did he just say what I thought he said? No, no, I'm hearing things. There's no fucking WAY, he said he loved me.

"You what?" I asked.

"I love you. I'm in love with you. You wanna know why I can't stay away? That's why. You finally got it out of me, Zahra. I love you."

I felt like my chest was caving in. I couldn't breathe. He did say it. He said it more than once. And he....he meant it. I longed to hear
those words, yes. But....I always thought that once I heard them, it'd be in the right situation. This wasn't the right situation. Regardless...it didn't stop tears from forming in my eyes. At the end of the day, I longed to hear those words from JC Chasez.

"I..."

"You don't have to say anything. I don't expect you to love me back. You have yet to feel for me what I feel for you. And that's why, I can't break up with Bobbi. Things still aren’t right."

I watched his eyes shift. JC was uncomfortable, nervous, almost past the point of embarrassed. He walked out of the room, quickly. He couldn't even look at me. He's wrong. He's so wrong. I did feel for him what he felt for me....I just couldn't tell him. Any way I looked at it, there was no way to explain feeling this way for JC and telling him I felt the exact same way....about his best friend.

-----------
The party was going great, for everyone else that is. I had so much on my mind, I couldn't even have fun. I decided to dress up as a school teacher, I had the tight pencil skirt, blazer with the girls peaking through my unbuttoned blouse, heels, and some glasses. I did some sort of up-do with my hair using a pencil to top the entire outfit off. JC couldn't keep his eyes off me, along with a select few of the people he invited. But I was lost in thought, and I mostly kept to myself.

"Hey."

I felt warm breath against my ear. I turned my head slightly, catching a glimpse of a blonde curl. It was Justin. Weird, I thought he was here already. Man, I'm really out of it.

"Hi, J," I smiled. He was wearing a pirate's costume. Usually I'd be laughing my butt off because a pirate's costume is a bit corny, but Justin pulled it off so well, I couldn't say anything about it.

"Hey. Wow, you look sexy, really Zee," Justin complimented.

"Thanks. You don't look bad yourself, there," I responded.

"Are you gonna teach me a lesson?" he teased.

I chuckled softly. "I could, but it seems you have your own girl to toy around with."

I stood up and began to walk upstairs. I opened the door to one of the guest rooms and shut it quietly. No one seemed to be in either of the rooms. I really wanted some peace and quiet. I know that I wasn't really into the party mood. I wasn't sure if Justin had followed me until I heard a soft knock on the door.

"Come in," I called.

"Hey, you just up and walked away from me. I was looking all stupid and stuff," he joked.

"I'm sorry, but I needed the dramatic effect to go with what I said," I smiled.

"Are you okay? You look magnificent and you're up here showing your costume to the bed. Something's weighing heavy on your mind, isn't it?" Justin asked.

"No, no, of course not. I wanted to get you alone," I replied. Once again, I lied.

"Get me alone? I'm not easily tempted but you're the one exception and that scares me."

"Okay great, let's go back downstairs, me first."

I shot up off the bed and brushed past him to get out of the door. Before I could snake all the way out the room, Justin grabbed my hand
and pulled me back inside. He closed the door, leaning against it. Um, what in the world was going on? The room was lit up by a few candles, but I still looked at him, trying to decipher his look.

"Justin what are you doing?" I asked.

"When was the last time we kissed?" Justin asked.

This already doesn't sound like it's going anywhere positive.

"I don't know, J. Last year, maybe? I'm not sure," I replied.

"Do you miss me kissing you?" he asked.

"I definitely think it was something I enjoyed," I replied

"Can I tell you a secret?" he asked. I nodded slowly. "I feel like we're growing apart and I think it's my fault. I just need to know, right now, all honesty, did I break your heart? Am I breaking your heart?"

I felt a sigh of relief. I thought he was going to make a move on me. I was intrigued by his question, though. Why is he asking me such a question? I hope he didn't take my remark as snarky. I was only kidding with him. Did he break my heart? I don't know if it's fair to say he did so, knowing that I was carrying on with JC. I have the same feelings for them, yes, but the way I care about each of them is different. How I feel about Justin isn't the same as how I feel about JC.

"I was hurt when I learned about Britney, yes. But I know that it was out of my control. She's in the same position you're in, she can understand not seeing you for a long time better than I can."

"Do you hate me?" he asked.

"Justin, no, I don't hate you. And you shouldn't dwell on it, either. What happened, happened and I'm happy for you."

"I know you're scared to be alone with me, like I am with you," Justin said.

"I won't let you do anything stupid, J."

"I know, and I sorta wish you would let me be stupid. My body's crying to know what all is under that outfit." I could barely see the sexy smile plastered across his face, but I could definitely hear it in his voice.

"Just walk back down to the party and I'll come down in ten minutes."

"You let JC be stupid," he commented.

"You're right, I did. Now, his girlfriend now holds the most embarrassing moment of my life. Get outta here," I said.

"Okay, you're right and I'm wrong. But before I go, make a promise to me."

"What's the promise?" I asked.

"Promise you won't get rid of that outfit," he answered.

I wanted to throw him off the stairs for continuing to tease me. Still I was flattered, embarrassed, and I smiled. But I still smacked him in the arm.

"I promise."

Justin laughed quietly as he began to open the door. He stopped before stepping out, signaling for me to come with him. I thought it would appear as if we were up here doing something even though we were only talking. Oh, what the hell? Maybe no one will even notice. For the first time the entire night, I wasn't worried. Justin and I made our way downstairs, walking over to the food table.

"Oh, look who's here!"

I'm being tested right now. There is no way I wasn't. The mere sound of that voice made me sick to my damn stomach. I brought my eyes up slowly to the tall, long-haired woman whose top goal was to make my life hell
tonight. I noticed she was wearing a slutty witch costume. She came as herself. Go figure. I also noticed the drink she had in her hand.

"Bobbi," I greeted politely. Looking at her, I could tell she wasn't entirely sober.

"What were you doing upstairs with Justin, huh?!" Why is it that drunks lose their ability to regulate sound, first? Justin and I shot each
other looks and before I knew it, JC was moving through the crowd of dancing guests. They had yet to notice what was taking place by the food table.

"We were talking, Bobbi," Justin replied.

"Bobbi, you've had too much to drink. Come on let's go outside," JC said, grabbing her hand.

"No!" She yanked herself out of JC's grip. "Yeah, right, talking. Was she up there fucking your brains out like she did my boyfriend?!"

"Bobbi, please!" JC violently whispered.

Okay Zahra, stay calm. Don't lose your cool because she has a right to be upset. I never had sex with JC OR Justin, but she has a right to be upset. I'm calm, I'm fine, I am good.

"You've been trying to bang both of them, you dirty slut. And the second his girlfriend is away, you try to throw yourself on Justin. WHORE!" Bobbi screamed as she pushed me.

She pushed me. She pushed me? She pushed me! Okay. That's it. I'm going to bash her fucking face in now. I threw my right fist out. I don't know if this is psycho or not, but the second I felt my knuckle connect with her jaw, I smiled. Does that make me angry or insane? Perhaps both. Who knows.

I didn't even get a second punch in before I was picked up and pulled back upstairs. Didn't stop me from swinging my arms and legs out in front of me. Once my shoes were on the carpet, I began to pace. I paced back and forth. I didn't even know who had brought me upstairs or where I was until the light switched on.

"What the he--"

"JC, I'm not in the mood to hear anything you have to say right now. Nothing you can say will fix this. Nothing."

"All I wanted was one night. One night whe--"

"One night where what, your girlfriend and side girl would get along?" I finished.

JC shot me a deadly glare. You'd think I said sometime about his mom with the way he was looking at me. But it was the truth. That's what I was to him.

"I don't even know what to say to you right now," JC said.

"I'm leaving."

"Don't."

"I'm not staying, JC."

I placed my hand on the knob, debating if I was serious about leaving or not. This is the second time I've been publicly humiliated by Bobbi. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't stay. It's best I go. I turned the knob, beginning to pull on the door.

"Zahra!"

I stopped. I don't know why, but I stopped. It wasn't like I'd never heard JC yell before. I've seen him mad, mostly because I made him that way. But this was different. His yell wasn't a regular yell. It sounded like a plea. I didn't turn around, I just stood at the door. My hand was still on the knob. If I let go, then he won another battle. This was MY battle, I didn't want him to win. I kept my eyes focused on the door. I saw his shadow increase in size, meaning he was getting closer to me.

"Don't leave me," he whispered in my ear.

"I have to."

I opened the door and walked out of his room. I didn't want any attention attracted toward me, so I walked directly out the front door without looking back. I heard my name being called, and I ignored it. I had to get out of there before I had the urge to find Bobbi and further embarrass myself.

Happy Halloween to me.

 

2000: Bye Bye Bye, 1999.

The single for the new album was nothing like this world had ever seen before. It was the perfect song, the perfect time, the perfect everything. No Strings Attached was going to be big for them, I could feel it. It was good to see them taking control over the direction of
their careers, because once they did, they were everywhere. Superbowl was coming up and for MTV the guys would be performing later. I couldn't wait to see them.

I was digging the change in their looks as well, especially Chris, good gracious. He looks so much hotter without all those braids sticking out on top of his head. I don't know what made him decide to get those anyway. Oh wait, I made that bet and....okay well I didn't think he'd like it! I loved Joey's fire red tips, so much so, I was thinking of getting the color at the tips of my hair. I loved Lance's toned down color, with the blonde streaks. And JC....JC didn't change his hair much. Bobbi wouldn't approve, I'm sure.

Out of all the new looks, Justin's had to be my favorite. I loved seeing his natural hair without all that freaking bleach. The guy looked completely sexy. I couldn't pretend he wasn't nor would I ever deny it. The recent magazine I saw with the guys in it, Justin was who I couldn't keep my eyes off. It was like developing a crush on him all over again. That Britney....she was definitely lucky. I am a tad jealous of her, but so is every other fangirl all over the world. Get in line, Zahra.

Besides the self-involved with Pop life, school would be starting back up again in a few weeks. The first semester was literally a breeze, and to tell you the truth, I didn't get into anything like I should've. Once again I got consumed by the Pop world. I don't know how I do that to myself when I'm not even famous. Only up until recently did I realize I was the only one out of this so-called triangle without a life. I was set on getting one this semester, because I sure needed to.

There was one thing I seemed to be doing well in though, and that was meeting new people, guys I mean. There was this one guy, his name was Christopher Montez. Chris was such an attractive guy, inside and out. He was Puerto Rican, chestnut-colored skin, about six feet tall, curly hair pulled back into a ponytail, the most round and big hazel eyes I'd ever seen, and his smile was just....out of this world. The best thing about Chris was that he had a gorgeous personality to match and is one of the sweetest guys I've ever encountered.

We met in the library while I was being my geeky self, looking for a book, and I guess we were searching for the same book because we grabbed for it at the same time. Right out of a lame romantic comedy, right? Yeah, I know. But that's how it happened. I saw him a few times on campus, but still not enough to establish an actual friendship. Even though I don't know him extremely well, the qualities I have been exposed to, I really like. Hmm, I wonder how his holiday break is going.

Anyway, here's to starting the new year off right. Cheers.

2000: I Forgot?

Don't you hate when you're singing NSYNC songs in the shower terribly, and on purpose, and your mom bangs on the door to give you the phone? No? Is that just my crazed household?

"Mommmm, I'm in the shower, get out," I whined.

"Oh stop your foolishness, I made you and all of what you have. Take the phone."

I stopped the shower, drying my hands off, and I took the phone. I waited until the door was closed, then stepped out onto the carpet. Who was interrupting my traditional NSYNC-athon shower?

"Hello?" I greeted.

"Hi Zahra. This is Chris Montez, from school, you know?"

Oh it's Chris. Chris? Chris Montez! I pulled off my shower cap and checked myself in the mirror. Wait, why am I checking the mirror? He can't even see me. Oh GOD, I'm still naked!

As you can see, I'm not used to guys calling me who aren't global superstars. Tsk tsk.

"Yeah, I remember, of course. Hey."

"I uh, I got your number from Shia, I hope you don't mind," he said.

"No no, I don't mind. Um, how have you been doing?" I asked.

"I've been great. What about you, how's your break been so far?"

"Uh, honestly? It's been pretty boring," I chuckled.

"Really? Now I don't feel bad for telling you mine was great, when it's really been boring," he laughed.

I smiled, shaking my head. I could imagine him biting the side of his lip, showing that brilliant smile of his.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm calling you because I wanted to ask you something," he said. I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"Shoot for it," I encouraged.

"Okay, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out sometime."

Oh. My. Gosh. New life Zahra, go for it!

"I would really like that." Take the initiative, go for it, Zee. "How about tomorrow?" I asked.

"Yeah, tomorrow would be great. Maybe we could catch a movie or something," Chris replied.

"That'd be great."

"Alright. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Definitely. Bye Chris."

"Bye Zahra."

I hung up the phone and placed it on top of the counter.

"YESSSSSSS!"

I did the running man and cabbage patch as my victory dance. Yeah, definitely showing my age right about now. Did I really get asked to go out? Was this going to be a date? I was going on a date with someone who wasn't JC or Justin. This was beginning to be a progressive and great year already.

I reached back into the shower to turn the water back on. I was about to hit play on my CD player, when the phone rang. What the hell? Does everyone know I'm having an NSYNC-athon shower they wish to interrupt?

"Hello?"

"Zee, what is up girlfriend?"

I giggled. "You’re too much, Justin. I was trying to finish my shower, but I can wait."

"Shower? Hmm....um, take a picture and send it to me?" he asked.

"You'll be 45 before I ever get the film developed," I joked.

"Good, it'll give my manhood a great boost," he teased.

"J....anyway, what's up? I wasn't expecting a call from you so soon."

"Did you watch us? I would've called a few days ago after the performance, but we were on the go."

Watch them? Oh shit! The TRL performance! I totally forgot about it. Crap.

"I couldn't catch it. I'm sure my mom has it recorded, though." I was cringing, waiting for his reaction. Was he about to blow?

"Ah, that's okay. Just make sure you check out the whole show when you can."

Huh?

"You're not mad?" I asked.

"No, of course not. You've seen everything else and you missed one. It's nothing to sweat. You're a college girl now. I can't expect you to
always have time for me," he replied.

"Don't say that. I'll always have time for you. Especially with that curly hair I am dying to get my hands on," I hinted.

Justin laughed gently. "I'll be seeing you sooner than you think."

"Oh really? When is that?" I asked.

"When I bring you with us to our video shoot," he replied.

"Justin, don't play with me," I warned.

"I'm not, you're coming. You'll be my assistant or something, or at least that's what I'm telling everybody."

I smiled. Now I felt even worse for missing the performance.

"That's very sweet of you Justin, thanks."

"No problem, Zee. It's the 24th, so there's plenty of time. When you see the performance, call me back and tell me what you think."

"Alright, bye Ju-licious."

"Never call me that again. Bye."

I laughed as I hung up. A date and a video shoot? My luck may be on the rise for once.

2000: Christopher Montez

I woke up this morning feeling psyched about seeing Chris again. It was hard to meet someone, have an instant connection, and then never see them. I guess both of us were too shy to ask for phone numbers, at least I was.

I did my normal morning routine with no hassle and went back into my room to peek out the window. Mom's gone for work, home alone. Woo-hoo! I went downstairs animatedly, hoping to get into my kitchen and have some cereal in complete peace.

I walked through the living room, humming a simple tune. I heard the refrigerator door slam shut, and my humming stopped, as well as my walking. I didn't have a weapon, so I stepped as slowly and quietly as I could. Of course, the second I stepped off the wood floor onto the
kitchen tile, the floor creaked.

"Shit," I mumbled.

Looking at the backside of the figure who was in my fridge, I already knew who it was and let go of my anxiety. That is, until I realized Chris would be calling and coming over soon.

"Dude, the point of moving into your own place was so that you wouldn't be back in my fridge stealing my food," I spoke.

JC popped up quickly and shot his head from behind the fridge door. He smiled innocently.

"You weren't supposed to see me, pretend you didn't," he said.

I shook my head, walking to go sit on one of the stools placed at the high-rise counter. I hadn't really spoken to JC about what happened between us that day he took me to his house, but it happened and there was no need to go back to it. This was a new year.

"I could smell you from a mile away. New cologne?" I smiled.

JC playfully rolled his eyes. "Yes, it is, thank you for noticing."

"Let me check it out."

I stood up and walked over to him. He stared at me, confused about what I was doing. I placed my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him a closer to me. I sniffed his neck, and went to go sit back at my stool. JC's facial expression was a Kodak moment for sure.

"Smells really good on you, I like it," I said, finally glancing up to catch his eyes.

"You're the biggest tease, I swear. But nonetheless, thanks," he said.

"I'M the tease? Pfft. You dangle me on a string any chance you get. I can't even touch you."

JC snickered. "You were a lot easier to tease when we were younger. Remember when I
grabbed your hand and sang to you when we all snuck to the beach that one night?"

I slapped my hand against my forehead. That godforsaken moment. Why did he remember, Lord? WHY?

"Unfortunately, I remember."

"You didn't stop smiling for two hours. I couldn't believe it."

"YOU couldn't believe it? Why?" I asked.

"Because I wasn't expecting that sort of reaction from you, it shocked me. I sang all the time, but I wasn't MJ or anything."

"You always downplay yourself. It's humbling, but with a voice like yours, it'd be hard for me not to smile. Even though my reaction was super embarrassing, I'll never forget what caused it," I said.

"Awww, how sweet. H--" The phone rang and before I could race to get it, JC grabbed it off the charger. "Hello? Yes she's here, may I ask who's speaking? Okay, hold on a sec."

JC looked up at me, one of his eyebrows raised. I don't have to panic, this is my house and I can take calls from anyone I damn well please.

"It's for you. It's Chris Montez." JC held the phone out. I took it and walked off into the office. I closed the door quietly.

"Hey Chris," I greeted.

"Hi Zahra, still hanging out with me today?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course I am. What's the plan?"

"I figured we could catch a movie and then go to lunch," he suggested.

"That would be great."

"Awesome, I'll be over there around 2:30-ish, that cool?"

"It's fine, I'll see you then," I said.

"Same here. Bye Zahra."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and stood up to do my victory dance once more. I opened the door to the office and walked back to the kitchen. JC was leaning against the counter, sipping his water as I put the phone back on the charger. The silence was tension filled and horribly uncomfortable.

"Who's Chris?" JC finally asked.

"None of your business," I replied.

"Zahra."

"JC."

"Don't do me like that. We're pals, right? Why can't you tell me?" he asked.

"Because I know you better than you know yourself. You're gonna turn this into something else."

"I won't, I promise."

"He's a friend from school. We're going out later," I told him.

"You're going on a date?!" JC exclaimed.

"You promised!"

"Before I knew you were going on a date. Who is this guy? What do you know about him?" he questioned.

"It's none of your concern, you have your own person you date, remember?" I tried to catch that remark before it left my lips, but obviously, it didn't work.

"Okay yeah, fine, you win, Zee. Have fun."

"Why are you getting so bent out of shape about this? He's only a friend, we're just getting to know each other," I asked.

"Because if he finds out about you, what I already know, he'll never let you go," JC replied softly.

"I...."

I didn't know what to say. Those words got me right in the heart. It was bittersweet, almost unfair. How could JC be completely hypocritical and sweet at the same time? Chris was only someone from school that I barely saw. My only intent was to spend my time with someone who didn't have large amounts of women chasing him everywhere. Well. LargER amounts of women.

"I've gotta go. I'll see you soon."

JC threw his plastic cup in the trashcan and went threw the front door before I could even say goodbye. How could he make me feel bad? How could he do that to me? He's been with Bobbi for years and hasn't batted an eyelash to breaking up with her. Why should I be made to feel bad for going out and meeting new people? Why does JC still have this inner need to have control over me?

2000: "She's cute." & "A size 12 foot in a 9 shoe."

"Zee, I am so tired. Comfort me with your pillows made of chocolate milk," Justin teased.

I nudged Justin in his side. We were in a van going to the video shoot for "Bye Bye Bye" and it was the crack of dawn. Well....it was like 8 am, but after a semester of college, anything before 10 was early to me. This was a new experience to me, and I was grateful Justin brought me here.

The movie and lunch with Chris went extremely well, I had a lot of fun with him. He was the perfect gentleman, he wasn't forward or anything like that. It wasn't even a date like JC blew it up to be. I really felt like I just went somewhere with a friend. We called each other often in the two weeks from our outing to now.

"Come onnnnn, at least give me a shoulder to drool on for ten minutes," Justin pleaded.

I laughed and nodded my head. He had on a hat covering his curly hair. I was tempted to take it off because the material of the hat made my skin itchy. Justin took my hand and began to play with my fingers.

"You have the smallest hands I have ever seen. Look at these sausage fingers," he giggled.

I sucked my teeth and snatched my hand away from his. "Shut up and sleep," I said.

"Thanks for coming with me today, Zee, I appreciate it."

"Aw, you're welcome. Thanks for inviting me."

"Always. Oh look, guess we're here. So much for sleeping in your pillows. Next time, yes?" he joked.

I smacked his arm, shaking my head in shame. "You’re an idiot."

I got out of the van and waited for everyone else to get out and stretch. I didn't know where I was going, so I lagged behind the guys and followed them. We went into this room where all their clothes for the video were. I found a seat on a couch and Justin sat down next to me. There were cameras right in front of us. I pushed myself over to be put of the shot.

"It's morning!" JC sang and danced. Justin and I laughed.

"JC what the hell was that?" I asked.

"No idea, but it made me feel good," he smiled.

I guess he was over the Chris thing, I'm a bit shocked Justin hasn't said anything about it yet. Unless JC didn't tell him, which I find a bit hard to believe.

"Oh look it's my turn to go try on clothes. Yay. Hold my hat for me Zahr?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, got it."

I watched Justin go off into the dressing room and JC took his spot next to me.

"You didn't tell him about Chris, did you?" I asked him.

"Nope, I sure didn't," he replied.

"Why?"

"Not my place. I don't gossip dude," he replied.

"I just thought..."

"I know what you thought. You thought I'd run and tell Justin about your new friend."

"Well?"

"No, look, I don't want you to think that I'd do something like that because of how I feel about the situation."

"How do you feel about the situation?" I asked.

JC looked over at me for the first time since sitting down.

"Honestly, I’m not sure. I shouldn’t feel anything at all, I know."

"Well I'm telling you that he's just a friend. I barely know him, and I just want to have ONE friend from college that won't make my new semester seem so scary."

"I know. I wasn't expecting to react at all."

He's right, he did react in a certain way. And it got me thinking. Why didn't he ever feel a certain way about me and Justin? Does he feel a certain way about me and Justin's relationship, though platonic of course. I always used to annoy JC by mentioning Justin, and even afterward, it was like he was competing. Is that why JC moved into my house? To win me over before Justin?

I stared at JC intensely. Even in his confused eyes, I saw that shy, sweet, and down to earth guy. JC would never do that to me, how could I even think something so cruel? We're both not making the best decisions right now, but my heart would never let me believe that he would
intentionally do something that vile. I’m hyping myself way up. I guarantee he didn’t care about me that much.

"Don't look at me like that," JC whispered.

I snapped out of my stare. "What? Why?"

"It's not exactly the most unsexy glare."

I smirked. "Don't do this here, Chasez. You're here to work."

"JC! You're almost next!" Joey called.

JC leaned closer to my ear. I could smell his minty, Certs fresh breath. I kept my eyes moving across the room to see if any cameras were on us.

"I can definitely work, but only if you let me," he whispered.

I bit my lip to hide my encouraging smile. God, this guy doesn't miss a damn beat. How would Chris even have a chance?

2000: "life would be much better, once you're gone."

The next days of shooting were a blast to watch. The charisma of each member was amazing, but when they were all together, the dynamic was almost impeccable. The chemistry was normal and natural. Seeing the guys together made me feel warm inside. I hope they never forgot they always had one another.

I had to stay with Justin, since his scene was the last to be shot. And I was his "assistant", so I had to follow behind him and play the part. After we had watched some of the stuff shot from the previous days, Justin was up next. I was a bit too giddy about how his scene would look in action. Talk about a teeny bopper moment, I was horrible.

"Um, assistant, I need some assistance!" Justin called.

I stood up, looking around to see where he was. I saw his hand sticking out from where the dressing room was. slapped his hand and he opened the door. I went in and closed the door behind me. Now I KNOW this sounds like a bad idea, but come on, Justin's head over heels for Britney. There's nothing to worry about.

I looked at him up and down. He was fully dressed, hair was done. Okay, I'm confused. One thing was for sure, he looked damn hot. I can't say if it was the denim that did it for me, but whatever it was, had me drooling, melting, and ogling on the inside simultaneously.

"Uhhh, you're dressed. What do you need assistance with?" I asked.

His eyes darted in every direction, finally settling on me. I was still completely lost. I suddenly felt Justin's hands gently grab onto my waist. He pulled me closer to his body. I looked into his eyes, terrified of what his next move would be. Without warning, he smashed his lips against mine. I couldn't register what was going on until his tongue was inside my mouth, and I found myself pulling him closer to deepen the kiss.

Snapping back into reality, I pulled away. Things were so quiet, all we heard was the inhale and exhale of one another. Justin broke me down with those sapphire-blue eyes staring into my own. He smiled that gorgeous smile of his, and there I was, silly putty right in the palm of his hand. He pressed his lips against mine again, kissing me in a way I never expected. I sank my fingers into his lush hair and gently tugged. His teeth scathed down my tongue, he nibbled gently against my upper lip, and then went for the gusto when he roughly bit down on my lower lip.

Not being horny, flew right out the studio. Fast.

Justin backed me into the door, never breaking our eye contact. He drew attention to his fingers, which were unbuttoning my denim shorts. I opened my mouth about to ask a question, and he shot me a look that made my lips snap shut. I felt my shorts drop at my ankles and I stood in my black, silk panties. I watched Justin's eyes repeatedly scan me while he unbuttoned his jeans, revealing his black boxer briefs. Using his hands, he grabbed onto the back of my thighs, lifting me up and leaving my shorts on the floor. He walked in closer to me until our sexes met one another. I sighed at the feeling of his firmness between my thighs. What was going on with me? Like I said, I didn't want me and Justin to be experiencing what JC and I were. But I wasn't stopping him from doing so.

Justin inched closer, his hands now grabbing onto my bottom, and locked his eyes onto me. This was a Justin I'd never seen before. Ever. His face was so close to mine, I caught each breath he let out. It was intense. Finally, his hips ground up against mine and instinctively, I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him in tighter to me. Justin placed his face in my neck, rolling his hips up and down. He cursed under his breath, moaning softly in my ear. That was all it took to fully pull me into this moment. I brushed my lips against his neck, biting down to keep myself from making any noise. He pressed against me harder and I moaned out a little. With my arms around his neck, I pulled him closer, forcing my body against his. The friction of the soft material rubbing against my skin drove me insane. I pulled Justin up from my neck and we kissed.

"Justin," I warned.

I had my legs locked around his waist, trying to hold myself up as I circled my hips. With one hand, Justin pulled on my hair, running his tongue down the line of my cleavage. I could tell Justin was on the same page I was. His hands gripped my thighs tightly. He began to rock his hips faster, with shorter strokes. I dug my fingers into his back, moaning into his ear to egg on his roughness. I locked my legs, feeling that deep tingle get stronger. His eyes stayed on mine and before I knew it, I was screaming out into his neck. Continuing to rub against my wet underwear, I felt Justin's muscles tighten, his body shake, and then release.

Justin roughly kissed me and I was placed back onto the ground. I quickly put back on my shorts, standing against the wall, trying to catch my breath. Justin and I stared at each other. He looked like someone familiar to me, but now my gut feeling was working overtime. I knew deep down that wasn’t an okay Justin.

"I've been wanting to do that since I saw you in that dress for Lance's birthday," he breathed.

"What?" I was so out if it.

"I couldn't take it anymore. The first time I wanted you was the dress at Lance's party, then your costume for Halloween, and now you in those shorts. I couldn't keep it together," he replied.

"What did we just do?"

"I don't know, but it felt good," he replied.

“I should’ve stopped you.”

"But you didn’t. You've been wanting me the same way I've been wanting you."

Justin was rubbing his finger down my stomach, biting his lip. Holy shit, I needed air. I needed all of the Earth's atmosphere right now.

"I need to get outside," I said.

Justin nervously licked his lips. "I don't know what's worse, letting you go outside or wanting to be in here with you for the rest of the night."

If that's his way of trying to tempt me, it was working. Who was this person in front of me? This was new to me. He was so aggressive in a different way just now, and I submitted to him. Fully. The control he commanded was mind-blowing. I clearly missed out on Justin becoming a sexual being.

I peaked out of the door to see if the coast was clear. I took a deep breath and shot out of there and outside as quickly as I could. I went to go find the spot I was sitting in so I'd still be able to watch the filming.

"Hey, where's Justin?" It was one of the crew members.

"He's coming, he just had a wardrobe mishap, but it's fine now."

Yeah. It's all fine now.

2000: No Strings Attached...?

The album was out. Of course, I got lucky because I didn't have to stand in line to buy it, I received mine in the mail a few hours ago. I was waiting for the right time to listen to it. Welllllll okay, truthfully, I was putting it off. All I could do at the moment was look at the album book. There was one picture inside I was instantly in love with, and it was smack dab in the middle of the booklet. Whites, light blues, and grays. It was nice to see that the two people that were at the end, also make up the N and C of NSYNC. They held everything together, just like they did in my life. Though I hate to admit or even think so.

Finally flipping the page, I now saw the significance of Chris' pictures to me. He gave me shots from the album shoot. Why of only himself? Because he’s someone who enjoys messing with his adopted younger sister, but nevertheless it was a sweet gesture.

I'm in a weird and confusing stage right now. I turned 19 last month, Justin turned 19 the latter of the month before, and we hadn’t addressed that incident in the dressing room. I can’t fully understand why, since JC and I have been doing our unfaithful tango for years, but I don’t feel great about it. It's hard to explain. Justin Timberlake was NOT himself that moment in the dressing room. At first I thought it was just his sexual demeanor that was different, that's a given. But now that I've had time to reflect back on it, I realize that it was strange. Meaning, he was not acting how he normally would. Something happened to him and not knowing what it was, kept me up at night.

It's hard, very hard, for me to believe that Justin would cheat on Britney with me. The happiness on his face when he was with her, I couldn't touch that. What made me different now? What could have went wrong, IF something went wrong?

But yeah, I digress. Me putting off listening to the album. I felt like if I waited to listen to the album, I could avoid a phone conversation with any of the guys. I knew myself. I wouldn't be able to focus knowing that my thoughts were eating me, and the person who was the subject of these thoughts, was ridiculously accessible.

Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but it's fishy. I mean, in no way am I implying that JC is just enjoys cheating. I'm old enough to know that JC and I let things sweep under a rug so long, where a point of no return has been hit. Bringing us to these situations in which we cannot seem to keep our hands off one another. I can honestly say that if Justin had lived here instead, the tables would be reversed and I'd be in the same situation all over again. What makes me feel the
worst about it all is, I know that day in the dressing room, Justin used me to block out whatever was wrong with him. I'm not sure he could ever convince me otherwise.

Ah! My thoughts are just scattered. I'm getting older and none of this is fun. None of it. Before, I was younger and immature, not understanding the consequences of my actions. The sneaking around, the lying, the unfaithfulness; is it really worth the feeling of being, ironically, empty and alone? All this stopped being a game once all these adult emotions came into play because now, they are being toyed with. I understand the consequences better than ever, and still, I struggle. I don't know how to let them go.

"Zahra."

My thoughts were interrupted as I looked away from my window and turned my head in the direction of my mother. "Yes, Mom?"

"What's going on?" she asked as she stepped into my room. She sat down on my bed, placing a pillow back in its rightful place.

”Just thinking. People often do things because they thought it was right, only to realize what they thought was happiness, turned out to be completely fake," I replied.

“They do. We all get there one way or another. The thing you have to realize is that life will always throw temptation at you, but only you can choose how much to indulge in it. You'll soon see that no matter if you're happy or unsatisfied, the indulgence will always bother you,” she said. A sigh was released from her mouth. “Zahra, you can't keep hoping either of them will give up everything and love you."

My eyes shot up quickly. What did she just say? She knows? Of COURSE she knows, she's my mom. If there was anyone on this planet who know the most about me when I said nothing, it was her. I could barely even look my mother in the eyes. I wasn't sleeping around, but what I was doing was still wrong and I felt it in my chest. Oddly, I was only ashamed my mother knew and not for what I had done, or was doing.

"I know that this is hard to register, but step away Zahra. I can only hope that if you do nothing else, you step away."

I got up and went to go hug my mother. I didn't have to thank her, because words would never suffice. She left my room, closing the door behind her. I took the NSYNC album off of my dresser and went to place the CD into my player. Okay, here I go.

By the time I got to track 7, titled after the album, and I realized I knew the words that were being sung, my emotions were mixed. No strings attached. Letting go. Letting Justin Timberlake be free. Leaving JC Chasez alone. Not letting myself make them my life. No strings attached. It was definitely easier said than done. But I'd never know, if I didn't at least try. I had to step back. I had to stop making JC and Justin the center of my world. I had to move on.

One thing I know I for sure had to do, was making sure Justin was Justin, JC was JC, and that the two never intermixed. That in itself, was going to be the biggest challenge of them all. How do you separate people like them who are different, yet just naturally drawn to each other and always having something to do with one another? I don't know, but I had to try.

I sighed heavily. "Day one."

2000: Road Trip? No.

It was rare when I could wake up after 12 pm and not have the phone ringing in my ear. Come on! At least let me sleep until 12:02!

"Hello?" I answered. Not in the most sunshiny voice, either.

"Pack your bags," a deep male voice sounded off on the other line.

"Hi Lance. I'm doing fine, thanks," I responded.

"Sorry. Hey, Zahra, how are you? Great, now go pack your bags."

I pulled myself up and rested my back against my pillows. What was he babbling about me packing bags for again?

"For what, Lansten?" I asked, snorting at how they came up with that fake ass name.

"We're doing tour rehearsals at the compound in Florida. An invite for you to come has been extended," Lance replied.

"Why?" I was feeling very uneasy about this. Me? I'm just Zahra. Why the hell would I be invited anywhere?

"You're Justin's assistant, aren't you?" he asked, knowing damn well that was a blatant lie.

"Lance, I'm near the end of my Freshman semester. My mom isn't about to let me go now," I said. That's right, I did have school. Education first.

"You get a week Spring Break, right? And since you end class early on Wednesday and don’t have any on Thursdays, that’s almost two weeks of free time."

Damn him. Who the HELL told him that?

"How would I even get there?" I sulked.

"We're gonna take a bus. Me and Joe on one, the rest on the other."

"I don't think this is a good idea," I said.

"Please come? Pretty please? When we get there you can choose any condo to stay at."

"I choose not to stay with anyone. I‘m not gonna go with you guys."

"Zahra, we talked right? And you told me that you were working on backing away. You can't back away without being put in a situation to test yourself."

"But suggesting I stay with JC of all people?" I asked. He knew putting me and JC anywhere was like locking two pregnant women in a room full of cakes. No one was coming out standing!

"I suggested me and Joey," he reminded.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm gonna be too close to doing time for murder because I'll have to pick up behind Joey every minute."

"Chris and Justin?"

"No way am I being put in a room with Prank 1 and Prank 2. And I don’t wanna stay alone. I’d have no choice but to stay with JC,” I groaned.

“It’ll only be bad if you guys let them get to that point,” he consoled.

“Hold up, oes JC even know I'm staying with JC? Better yet, does Bobbi?" I asked. I was already a nervous wreck.

"He will after you agree to go to Orlando. And seeing as how Bobbi has her own life and business to attend to, she won’t even be there. You'll be back home by April 28th, Scout's honor," Lance promised.

Ugh! Must he have everything planned?!

"Lance, I'm gonna kill you because I won't be able to make it through this."

"You'll be fine. Two weeks is plenty time to sort out your feelings and have some serious discussions."

I bade Lance goodbye and hung up the phone. I slammed my body back into my pillows and sighed heavily.

"I'm fucked."

2000: Road Trip? Yes.

I was going to be on a bus with Justin and JC, on top of being in their presence for almost two weeks. This wasn't stepping away. But maybe Lance was onto something. My mom told me to step away and this was my test. If I couldn't make it through this, it was going to be more difficult than I planned.

I had my bags, two medium-sized duffles and a smaller one, gathered at the front door. I was going over everything I had in my head, checking to see if I had all that I needed. It was Florida in the Spring, which all boiled down to hot. The doorbell rang and Lance was at my door, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I gave him a warning look.

"You could at least smile, damn it," he chuckled as he grabbed my bags.

My mom was at work, so I left her a note with numbers of where I'd be and I'd call her once I was there. The only reason she even agreed to this is because Justin’s mom was gonna conveniently be nearby and would be able to check up on me. I locked up the house and followed Lance onto the bus. Wow, finally going back to where all this started, seven years later. Lucky number seven. Yeah, we'll see.

Anyway, on the outside, the bus didn't look like much. Once I stepped inside though, I was impressed. There was a large front lounge area with bathroom, the aisle of bunks, and then the back lounge area. Lance handed my bags off to Chris, who went to place it on a bunk.

"Alright, have fun, Zee," Lance smiled as he walked off the bus. I was tempted to give him the finger, but instead I sat down in the booth across from Justin. The same Justin who was in command a few months ago, could barely look me in the eye. Was he afraid that if he did, I would know something wasn't right?

"Hi guys," I said.

"Don't sound so excited to be stuck with us," Chris said.

I smiled, and it was genuine. "Oh Chrissy, don't be pissy."

"I already wanna kick you off the bus. Guess I'm gonna love having you here after all," he teased.

I chuckled and turned back to Justin. He half-smiled at me and I reached across the table, taking his hands in mine. I held on until he finally looked me in the eye. And I was right. I saw it. Something was wrong. Something had happened. I mouthed "later" to him and released his hands. In that moment, I didn't feel this back breaking tension between us. All I felt was the need to help my best friend and that feeling felt better than anyone could imagine.

"Where's Tweedle Dum?" I asked Justin.

"Back there making love to a pillow," he joked.

I shook my head and stood up to go search for Mr. Sleepy. I closed the door separating the bunks from the lounge area and searched the top bunks for JC. Nope. I pulled back the curtain of a lower bunk and saw his angelic face. He was curled up, all the way near the back, sleeping peacefully. Aww. I didn't want to wake him. I gently pulled back the rest of the curtain, kicked off my shoes, and climbed into his bunk.

Stop, before the wrong idea is formed. This is completely innocent. I swear it. I pulled the curtain back all the way and placed my head on his pillow.

"Come closer," I heard JC faintly whisper.

I smiled a little and slid over closer to him. "I didn't mean to wake you," I said.

JC opened his eyes and threw me the same half-smile I'd just received minutes earlier. He looked so cute. He placed his arm across my waist. The feeling of his embrace was unique to me. In all wrong, it made me feel right.

"It's okay. I smelled your vanilla spray. I wanna kiss you.”

Okay Zahra, moment of truth. Politely decline.

"That’s not a good idea.”

"I know, but I still want to. Can’t we just do what we both want?”

This was annoyingly difficult. Especially since he looked at his sexiest to me right now.

I chuckled. “Haven’t we already been doing that?"

"On the cheek, then?" he asked.

“You know you won’t. But try it.”

He shifted, leaning over to place his lips on my cheek. It was lightly damp and quick. I was bashful, I know I was. He was, too. JC gazed at me and slowly, piece by piece, his eyes were beginning to take me apart. I quickly looked away. I felt JC's hand on my cheek and he softly pressed his lips against mine. Instantly tears welled up in my eyes. But why? He pulled away and dropped his head back onto his pillow, softening his gaze. I hated his affect on me. I hated it so much. No one else had that type of power over me.

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to upset you."

I wiped my eyes. "No, no, it's not that."

"Then what is it?" he asked.

"This trip is gonna be difficult," I replied.

"It doesn't have to be."

"But it is. As long as you belong to someone else, being alone with you will always be hard."

"I'll make it easy," he suggested.

"How?"

"I won't touch you, or kiss you or look at you in any certain way," he replied.

"How could that be easier for me?"

"Because it's beyond difficult for me. It's always hard for someone you're in love with."

"It is."

JC's eyes widened at my remark. He was staring at me in an awed confusion. I hadn't even noticed that what I said, wasn't a thought in my mind, it was out in the open. No. No, I wasn't ready for JC to know I loved him yet. I couldn't step away if he knew that I was very much in love with him and I always had been.

Always.

"What are you saying, Zahra?"

"Nothing," I whispered.

JC closed in on the space between us and leaned close to my ear. "If you meant what I think you did, I'll definitely make it worth your while."

I sighed at the feeling of his warm breath beating against my ear. He was tempting me, and I almost lost my cool until I repeated, over and over in my head, JC had a girlfriend. A wicked girlfriend. That was enough to get me to pull the curtain back and leave his bunk.

"You have to understand that I don't want to be second to Bobbi anymore."

That last glance of his face, haunted me the whole night as I lied awake above his bunk. I'd almost made it to sleep, when I felt an overwhelming, but satisfying heat next to my body. Startled, I opened my eyes. I was eye-level with a t-shirt and a strong chest behind it. I travelled my eyes up and until they met with deep blue eyes and curly hair.

"Justin, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Talk, remember?" he replied.

"Right. Justin, that day in the dressing room. What was that? Better yet, who?" I asked. Our conversation was totally hushed.

"What do you mean? It was me of course," he replied.

"It was you, but it wasn't your behavior, J. You expect me to believe that you'd be unfaithful to Britney?"

"It was with you, and you know how I feel about you."

"I do know, but I also know how you feel about her and you wouldn't do that to her while in the right state of mind. Doesn't matter if it was me or not."

Justin sighed heavily. "Zee..."

"It's not like I didn't enjoy what happened between us, I didn’t stop you. But can you honestly say that it would've happened five months ago?"

"No...," he replied hesitantly.

"Exactly. Tell me what's going on, Justin. You can trust me."

"I've been hearing things."

"Hearing things about who?" I didn't like the uneasiness I heard in his voice. It made me cringe on the inside. I sat up and crossed my legs, while Justin laid on his back, putting his arms behind his head.

"About Britney and Wade."

"Your guys' choreographer? What kind of things?"

"Yeah, him. That she's been with him. If it was one or two people, then I wouldn't care. But it's many different people who have no connections to one another, telling me the same thing."

"Do you believe it?" I asked.

"I don't want to, but I'm suspicious. The day in the dressing room, I had just heard from the last person. It drove me insane. All of what I'd been pushing back in my mind about how I felt about you, yet I had been faithful, I let it out. I am so sorry I put you into this, but I wasn't thinking clearly."

"I knew that, J. I wanted to be mad at you. But, I felt something was off with you and I didn’t stop you, doesn't make me any better. I'm sorry about that and about Britney."

I leaned forward and hugged him. He unlocked his hands from behind his head and placed them on the dip of my back. His hands were warm. I was aware Justin was in a vulnerable state. But, at the same time, this was Justin and I, on a bed, at night, embracing each other. Tightly. That being said, I tried not to acknowledge what I felt on the front of my thigh. I REALLY tried. I felt his lips softly touch my neck. He kissed and ran his tongue across the same spot. I sighed out, feeling my eyes rolling beneath my eyelids.

"Thank you, Zahra."

"You're welcome. I know you haven't asked and I don't mean to pry, but you have yet to know the truth. Don't lose hope, J," I told him, still locked in our friendly, yet extremely tempting hold.

"I love you, Zahra."

"I love you, too, Justin."

"No." Justin held me tighter as he sat up a little, causing me to pull my head back a little to look at him. "I mean I love you. Seriously."

My jaw? Dropped. Drool. Everything. Dropped. I was tempted to say something completely cheesy and stupid because I was in pure shock. This was mind boggling. This couldn't be real. At all. I wanted to believe that this wasn't some sick, twisted dream I was having, but under the circumstances I couldn't.

"Justin, how do I know you're not saying all of this because you're hurt? It's one thing for us to have a horny mishap, but it's completely another for you to bring a huge emotion like love into this," I warned.

"I'm not lying nor am I delusional. Remember when we were 16 and I came to visit you? That night on your couch, we almost went all the way. I loved you then, and I love you now."

My heart caved in. Not real. It wasn't real. I was feeling all of my emotions, and instead of them liberating me, I was feeling suffocated by them.

"Then why Britney?" I asked.

"Because I doubted your love for me," he replied.

"Why?" I asked breathless.

"JC. Once I caught onto you two, I knew I couldn't compete, and I wouldn't."

I sighed and pulled out of Justin's hold. I didn't know how to feel hearing that. It was ironic how JC felt he was the one who couldn't compete with Justin. What I don't understand is, what made them feel like they were competing anyway. Still, I was at a loss for words.

"J."

"No, it's okay, really. That night when I told you I knew about JC and I said I love you, I meant it."

I looked into his eyes. Even in the darkness, I could see their color and depth, piercing through me. Justin Timberlake loved me? It wasn't as hard to believe as JC loving me because Justin never denied how he felt about me, but wow. Mom, you didn't say anything about the guys who I hoped loved me, actually loving me back. What do I do, ma? What do I do now?

I let a few tears fall from my eyes before taking refuge back in Justin's arms. He held me tight, rubbing my back. I gently kissed his Adam's apple, feeling the storm beginning to brew between us. I wasn't trying to be forward, but I think Justin wasn't the only one who was now extremely vulnerable. I accidentally brushed against his penis as I shifted. Justin's fingers gripped my back and he groaned softly in my ear, letting me know he felt my mistake. I whispered "sorry" into his ear, as he began to suck on my neck. I pulled back, hovering over, hearing his labored breathing. I could feel Justin's hands running up my sides.

Letting a few more tears fall, I kissed his lips, sliding my tongue against the roof of his mouth. When Justin quickly flipped me onto my back, I began to pull back the fabric of Justin's flannel pajama pants, revealing the creamy skin of his backside, grabbing and caressing his skin. I knew that neither of us were thinking with our minds, but with our emotions. And that was far from sweet when it comes to us.

"Zahra, why do I feel so alone?" Justin whispered to me. Those words hit me like a dagger in my heart. He felt alone? Feeling that things had become a little bit uncomfortable, Justin hesitantly moved off me, and I pulled away. I couldn't take advantage of his vulnerability again and I couldn't let him take advantage of mine.

"I'd better get back to my bunk. Thanks for listening Zee. I'm glad you'll be here."

Justin pulled back the curtain and gently climbed down off my bunk. As he reached to close it back, I placed my hand on top of his. I didn't want him to leave, I wanted to tell him that he wasn't the only person who felt alone.

"I love you, too."

The look in his eyes when I said those words, made me feel so warm inside. He pressed his lips to my hand; his smile illuminated my sleeping area and faded as the shade was drawn to a close. I fell back onto my pillow, inhaling the scent of he left behind. Manly, rough, but an underlying twinge of a sweet aroma.

I didn't think it was possible to be in love with two men at the same time, but I was. How could they possibly love someone who wasn't stable enough to even love one man at a time? Someone send me a sign, anything, to let me know that loving Justin and JC at the same time is not going to end well.

"I'm fucked," I sighed quietly.

2000: Florida....Day 3

The weather was hot, humid, and a bit mucky. I never realized how much I was a winter-loving lunatic until I was blasting the air conditioning in JC's apartment at around 50 degrees. We'd been in Florida for about three days now and I'm very proud to say that the handsy grabby stuff is at a complete halt, for both parties. After that first night on the
bus, the tension and awkwardness kept me away from JC and Justin away from me. In a matter that was tempting, of course.

Other than that, we carried on like we always did. I thought being in closed quarters with JC was going to be difficult, but like the total sweetheart Joshua Chasez is, he stuck by what he said that night on the bus. He hasn't made a single pass at me. Things have been nothing but friendly. I prefer things this way. I'm glad to have my best friends back. How long is it going to last though? I can't tell, but I won't hold my breath.

"Holy crap, it's cold in here. Zahra have you been playing with the thermostat again?" JC asked as he walked in the door. About six hours at the compound rehearsing, and he looked beyond beat. I was glad I didn't decide to go today.

"Who me? Nah, nah, wasn’t me, I swear," I joked.

JC threw a sofa pillow at me as he walked into his bedroom. Where I don't sleep, for those who have lost all faith in me. Ha.

"At least keep it at 65 so I don't catch pneumonia," JC called.

"Fine!"

As I stood to go change the temperature, JC walked out of his bedroom wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. Why does he do this to me? What did I do to deserve such temptation, Lord? What did I do?! I looked away and tried to focus my eyes on something else. I was 16 all over again, except this time we didn’t accidentally bump into each other.

"Don't," I warned.

"What?" He asked looking around. "Oh. Grow up, you've seen me in a towel plenty of times," JC shot.

"Just go in the shower," I said as I kept my eyes on the thermostat.

"Or what? What are you gonna do to me if I don't?" JC had a hint of a dangerous tone in his voice. I wasn't sure if he was flirting or being sarcastic.

"JC." I felt his body heat behind me and I turned around to look at him. Was it truly hard for him to keep his distance from me? Did I end up being right? Was I finally irresistible to JC? For once, in ALL of this. I felt wanted and not the one who running behind someone else.

"What are you gonna do?" he asked again, this time whispering.

I placed both my hands on the wall, leaning against it. I looked down at my shoes. It felt weird to be the wanted.

"I'm gonna walk away," I smiled innocently.

"I really am trying, Zee. This is torture for me though," he smiled.

"I know, but thank you," I said as I walked into the kitchen.

JC laughed softly. "I love to play the cat and mouse game with you so much."

I leaned over the counter to look at him. "Why?"

He swiftly and intentionally opened his towel to adjust it. "Because you're the most worthy opponent I've ever had."

He winked and walked back to the bathroom. Did he just show me his...? Oh no, I'm not prepared for this. I went to stick my head in the freezer.

"I can do it, I can do it."

I found something to keep myself occupied while JC was in the shower. I had an urge for breakfast, yes breakfast at 2:30 in the afternoon, so I made pancakes. I figured JC would want something to eat before passing out and falling into a deep death. Waking him up was going to be....fun. I smiled mischievously as ideas ran through my mind.

"Mmm, something smells good," JC said as he approached the counter. He was sporting a sleeveless t-shirt and shorts with a wet hairdo. I felt my face get warm when I saw him. That was weird. I hadn't had that feeling in a long time. JC usually would have some sort of physical contact with me that would leave me hot and bothered. I guess deep down I missed what we were like before love was involved.

"I made pancakes, take a seat, they're still hot," I offered. I placed three flapjacks in his plate and topped it with a little butter, syrup,
and whipped cream. I poured some orange juice into a cup and placed it next to his plate with a fork.

JC was staring at me in complete awe. It was actually freaking me out a little. Did I have a booger in my nose or something?

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked.

"Will you marry me?" he asked.

I burst out laughing. "What?! Where does a question like that even come from?"

"You made pancakes and you topped mine with whipped cream, that's where. I thought you hated the idea of domestic women," he replied.

"I think the idea of women doing all the domestic duties is stupid, yes, doesn't mean I can’t cook or clean. Besides, I made this for me, I'm just being nice and sharing," I smiled.

"Thank you anyway, I appreciate it," he said, taking his first bite. “Oh my God these are so good."

I chuckled quietly.

"Sit down and eat with me, Zee. Come on, it's Spring Break and you should be relaxing."

I wasn't about to argue with him there. "Sure."

I fixed a plate for myself and sat down next to him at the counter. I grabbed the whipped cream and squirted some on my pancakes. To be silly, I shook up the can and sprayed some in my mouth. JC began to laugh as he looked at me, shaking his head.

"What is it?" I asked.

"You have..." He took his finger and wiped it across my mouth. "...whipped cream on your lip."

He placed it back in front of my lips. I took his finger in my mouth and licked off the residue slowly. It was like I set him on fire. I could feel every muscle in his body tense up as little by little, his finger left my mouth. If I'm not mistaken, I saw JC bite down on his bottom lip and it appeared he bit it hard to keep himself in line. I wasn't even trying to be sexy, I just wanted to make sure I got all that whipped cream.

I quickly turned back to my food. "Can you pass me the syrup?" I asked.

"Sure. You're not gonna pour it in your mouth, too, are you?" JC teased. He broke the awkward moment with a joke instead of acting on the impulses I could see he was desperate to act on. JC really was trying for me.

"Oh ha ha," I remarked sarcastically. "Are you gonna take me to the beach? I mean you as in you guys?" I corrected. Last thing I needed was the media making accusations from seeing us together. Not that they weren't technically true.

"We can do whatever your 19-year old heart desires. The beach would actually be super fun."

"Yeah, I haven't been to a Florida beach in so long I almost don't remember what it's like," I said.

"Yeah well, we'll see after my nap. This meal is going to knock me into next week," he smiled.

I giggled. "Thanks."

"Why don't you nap with me?" he asked.

"In your room? In your bed?" I asked.

"That's the general idea, Zee. Don't worry, I've been told I end up half off the bed anyway, so don't worry about me touching you," he joked.

"It's not that, it's just, you know." A test. We're friends first no matter what. If we can't even hang out without thinking about frisking each other, what kind of relationship would we even have? One based purely on lust, and nothing else.

“Sure."

"Positive?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am."

JC held out his hand and I took it. I began to follow him when I realized something.

"Hey, the dishes, I've got--"

"They're not going anywhere. I'll do them later," JC smiled.

As we walked into his room, I looked around and felt that feeling I did back at his home in LA. Comfort. I felt like I belonged. I saw an opportunity to be a complete guy, and I couldn't miss it. I looked at JC out the corner of my eye and I tackled him onto the bed.

"Zahra, what the hell?!" JC laughed.

I giggled, feeling JC's hold around my waist form. "I've always wanted to do that."

"Damn." JC stared at me and quickly looked away. I saw sadness wash over his face. "I miss us having fun like this so much."

I softly rubbed my hand on his cheek. "I've always been here, Josh. Always. But lately, it's been a lot between us and I don't want that. We're close, and even though sometimes we butt heads, I want us to still have that friendship. If we have sex, I want us to be able to talk about it comfortably, and not with guilt," I explained.

"I guess I've been getting so carried away, I forgot how much I miss the small things," JC sighed.

He released me from his hold and I snuck under his covers. I signaled for him to join me and he did so. He turned on his side and I slid my arm across his waist, closing the gap between us. Oh my god. We were spooning. If I had enough eyes to roll, they'd be doing it right now.

"You would really wanna make love to me?" JC asked. My stomach knotted. Make love. I know I used the term in the heat of the moment before, but he was using it very casually right now.

"If it's what we both wanted, yes," I replied quietly.

"Would I be your first?" he asked. I could hear the cautiousness in his voice.

I smirked. "If you're assuming that Montez and I did the dirty, then you're wrong."

"Don't even remotely speak that visual into my mind," JC snipped.

I pulled his shoulder and he rolled over on his back. I laid on his stomach, looking at him. I chuckled.

"Mm. Oh what is that I taste in the air. Is that jealousy?" I asked.

JC scoffed. "Jealous? Why would I need to be that? You're here with me, not with him."

I kept trying to hold his gaze, and he continued to keep his eyes moving. He was SO jealous.

"You are!" I grinned.

"I'm not jealous of some teenager," JC quipped.

"Montez is 21," I said. JC rolled his eyes. I giggled.

"Why would you even be jealous? I can't understand it."

"Because I don't want to picture you and another guy, let alone losing you to him."

"I'd be more preoccupied with losing you to another woman," I said.

"What?"

I sat up, moving my head from his stomach, then laying my head on his chest, gently rubbing his chest with my hands. His hand rested on my back, his arm looped around shoulder.

"That feeling you get when you can't reach me and you assume I'm with Montez, doing all sorts of things. I've had that feeling for a very long time. And I don't know when it'll stop. I feel like it never will."

JC held me tighter, burying his face into my hair. I could feel my eyes get heavy as I closed them. I just wanted to enjoy being with him. I didn't want to touch my emotions with a ten foot pole right now.

"I love you," JC whispered.

2000: Florida....Day 5

I sat on the couch, placed against the wall, watching the guys go over steps to "Digital Get Down". Already, I could see this performance would be my favorite. There's this part where they guys all go down to the floor and do some work. When I say I was ready to tackle JC and Justin, it is not a game. Cold shower, indeed. Watching them together working so hard, almost made me emotional. To see how far all of them have come, it was finally paying off.

What was most special about them as a group was, they played around and had fun, but when it was time to work, that's exactly what they did. They worked. The intensity in the room was so high. They were focused on what they needed to do, and there was little time for laziness. That quality, that work ethic, is what was going to take them to the top and beyond.

As I continued to watch them go over the routine for the billionth time, I noticed that there was a step Chris kept missing and it caused him to be late in transition to the next move. It's like he would get to the step before it, miss the next step, and then try to play catch up for the next one. And being off by even half a beat, was upsetting him. Was anyone else not noticing, or were they too focused on getting through everything to bother with it? I don't know, maybe I should just leave it alone. It would be wrong to impose, wouldn't it? Know what? If I get chewed out, so be it. I have to say something. I don't like seeing the frustration on Chris' face.

"Chris you keep missing a step," I said quietly.

It was like the entire room got blown out the door. The room was silent and everybody's eyes were on me. I've been in this room for three hours watching them go over the same choreography. I was bound to learn it myself, right? Shit. I should've just shut my big mouth. Now, I'm about to get it.

"Show me," Chris said, breaking the silence.

Huh? Did he ask me to show him? "What?"

"Show me, come on."

I slowly stood up and walked over to where Chris was standing. The others went back to facing the mirror now, but I knew all eyes were on me. Justin and JC's especially. I took my position and figured I'd begin right before the step Chris was missing.

"You keep doing this." I demonstrated what he had been doing. "You're supposed to do this." I showed him the missed step and added the transition where he was late. "That way, you're not late on that last step."

I looked up and saw everyone looking at the choreographer for validation. He smiled and nodded his head in agreement. I caught JC from the corner of my eye, hiding his impressed smile.

"You've been sitting down the whole time and you picked it up that fast? You wanna be in the group?" Joey teased.

I chuckled. "Joey, shut up."

"Show me again?" Chris asked.

I nodded and showed him the step with the transition. After we went over it a few times, Chris felt he was confident enough to remember the step.

"Thanks," Chris said as he pat me on the shoulder

"You're welcome," I smiled. I went back to my designated seat on the couch, feeling embarrassed. I really felt like it wasn't my place to say anything, but I felt happy that Chris wasn't frustrated anymore. Win-win?

----------
Once the guys got a break, everyone headed upstairs to go play video games and chill out. Besides JC that is. There were lots of activities to do get their hands on in the compound. Bowling, arcade games, jet-ski's. Instead, JC came over to the couch and dropped himself across my lap.

"Eww, Josh! You're all sweaty!" I exclaimed.

"I know, share the must girl, share the must," he teased.

"For a second I almost forgot how disgusting you are," I laughed.

"Yeah, right. You wish I was disgusting. I'm five seconds away from taking a shower right here in the middle of the floor," he teased.

"I would not put it past you," I laughed.

"Hey, that was pretty cool, what you did for Chris," JC said.

"Really, you think so? I feel really bad, like I shouldn't have said anything."

"There's nothing wrong with being observant, Zee. It's not like you were arrogant or rude about it. I think Chris appreciated it."

"I hope so, because I liked helping him out."

"You're sweet, you know that?" JC said as he reached for my face, caressing my cheek with the back of his hand.

I smiled looking down at him. He looked beat up, he was exhausted. I ran my fingers through his damp hair. I almost wanted to despise how I longed to just take care of him sometimes. But that was the bottom line; I wanted to do those things because I care about him. And more than he could ever imagine.

"Come on, let's go get you more water. You look like you're about to pass out," I said.

"I'd rather just stay down here and kick it with you," JC said as I got up and began to walk across the floor. "But, you're right, I need more water. Carry me!"

I heard his feet pound against the wood finished floor and then I felt him jump on my back. Now of course, I'm 5 foot nothing with no sort of superhuman leg strength, since they're not that long, and no surprise to me, my knees buckled. I tried to steady him, but his skinny butt was actually a heavy skinny butt. Long story short, we hit the floor. I mean, we HIT the floor. Tragically, too. Smack!

"JC!" I yelled. "What the hell?!"

JC was rolling around on the floor giggling like crazy. He's back to being an unintentional jerk! He rolled over to where I was and propped up on his elbow looking down at me. I was flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling. Finally, I glanced over at JC. He was such a striking person to look at. His facial structure was so defined. The eyes, never failed, I always melted in their presence. Everything about him was so perfect. JC started to cautiously lean in closer to me...

"What the he-- oh!"

I leaned my head all the way back and looked up to see Joey. Fudge pop! It's cool, be cool Zahra. It looked like JC was about to kiss me, I know that and it all just looked bad. BUT it wasn't. Nothing happened, I can just shrug it off and play it cool.

"You're psycho bandmate thought it was a good idea to jump on my back," I said. JC got up and grabbed my hands to pull me up off the floor as well.

"I take offense to that, it was a good idea," JC argued.

Joey shook his head in shame. "JC, when are your ideas ever good ones?"

"Don't hate the playa, now," JC said. "I'm gonna get water, I can taste the dehydration on my tongue."

When JC was upstairs and out of sight, I could feel that Joey's eyes were bolted into the back of my head. Of all the things Joey COULD have caught me and JC doing, the one time we're practically innocent, we STILL look guilty. I could read his mind, through and through right now.

"Fatone, nothing happened."

"I didn't say anything did," he said.

"I don't even have to look at you right now to know that you think something happened," I told him.

"I believe you Zahra. It's just I didn't know you and C had something."

"We're not anything," I finished.

"Zahra, I'm not naive. Any fool could've walked in here and felt the tension between you two. How long has it been going on?" he asked.

"Dude, there's noth—" I turned around and saw the look he was giving me. Yeah, Fatone wasn't buying it. Welp, might as well give him the low down. He caught us anyway. "We kissed when I was 16, but that's it."

"16? Jesus. You mean you two have been going on behind Bobbi's back? Zee, you're staying in his condo."

"And nothing has happened. I haven't let anything happen."

"That's because things have been happening already for the longest. What could you guys possibly be thinking?"

"I've tried to break it off and have failed miserably every time."

"Then when was the last time something really happened between you guys?" he asked.

"It was sometime last year," I replied.

"Do you know how serious he is about you?" Joey asked.

"He mentioned the word love," I replied.

"And what about you? How do you feel about him?"

"Oh come on, break was only 10 minutes this time!" I heard Chris complain as he was walking down the stairs.

"It doesn't matter," I said quietly, going back to sit down in my area.

I'm in love with JC, but it didn't matter. He wasn't mine to be in love with.

2000: Pulling My Hair. Out.

After the first week of my vacation was over, I felt like things were good. It was like I wouldn't have to worry about anything for the next week. I've really been keeping my word about this "backing away" thing. I tried to make up for it by spending lots of time with Joey, Chris,
and Lance. Any chance I could get, I was off somewhere with them, hanging out. That way, if I was having fun, I wasn't feeling bad about not being with JC or spending time with Justin. But of course, the further back I pulled myself, the further forward Justin and JC seemed to push.

The guys were at the arena for rehearsal in Lakeland. Luckily, I got to tag along. We were sitting up in the stands, looking down at the stage; all of us had our feet resting on the rail in front of us. I was excited and in a particularly good mood. Well, I WAS in a good mood, until Queen Steal-Your-Money walked upon us. I was good this week, I didn't even do anything. I didn't even have a dirty thought about JC! Why the hell is she here to torture me?! I shot JC an evil glare. Did he invite her when he knows I'm staying with him?

"Hey baby, hey guys."

JC greeted her, and the guys did the same. I tried not to laugh at their half-assed hello's.

"Zahra."

"Bobbi," I murmured.

"What brings you here?" she asked.

"Lance," I replied.

"Oh you and Lance are an item now?" she asked.

Bitch, you know that is not true. I should kick you in your stupid face.

"No. Lance invited me." I was THIS close from telling her that I was here for JC, but I wasn't going to fight fire with Satan's sister.

"How cute."

"Babe, what are you doing here?" JC asked, preventing me from a smart ass remark. He knew me so well. But obviously not well enough to block me from her. The side of her face was like a target for my fist.

"I just came to see how you were doing, honey, you haven't called me all week. I got worried."

"Worried about his money," I whispered in Justin's ear. We both huddled close and snickered. Yeah, we were complete teenagers, so what?

"I've just been working hard, no need to worry."

She pulled him in and placed a kiss on his lips, shooting a glance at me. What the flying hell? Bloaty is SUCH an immature dick sometimes. I lie. ALL the time. I rolled my eyes and rose to my feet quickly.

"Well I'd love to stay and vomit, but I'd rather go play with the conveyor belt on the stage," I said as I brushed past the guys to get to the aisle.

"That's a good idea, I'll come with," Justin said.

We walked down the steps from the seats we were all sitting in and headed toward the stage. Wade was sitting on the stage, listening to the band improvise some of the music. I shot a glance back toward Justin and he rubbed me on the shoulder, letting me know he was fine.

I stood on the belt and let myself be taken down the stage and then I switched to the next one, doing the same thing repeatedly.

"I heard you helped Chris with some choreo," I heard behind me. It was Wade. I stepped off the belt and approached him.

"Yeah. It was nothing serious, though," I replied.

"Still pretty cool. Maybe you can help me out, be my third eye in case I don't catch something," Wade suggested.

Justin playfully stumbled over to us and placed his arm across my shoulder. "Aw Wade, you're gonna put her to work on her vacation? That's cold, dude."

"She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to."

"She's standing right here," I said. "And, I think I'll have to pass on that offer, Wade. I'd rather run through the seats and ride JC's bike everywhere," I teased.

"I should've known I wouldn't be able to compete with JC's bike," Wade laughed as he walked off stage.

"You didn't have to do that, Zahra," Justin said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said.

"You don't have to totally disregard him because of what I told you that night on the bus."

"I know Justin. But you're my best friend and I'm always on your team, no matter what."

"I appreciate that, Zee. Now le--"

"Aw, how cute, you guys are bonding."

I rolled my eyes and sighed heavily. I have never wanted to roundhouse kick a person in the throat so much in my life. The sound of her voice was like nails screeching down a chalkboard. I was NOT fond of this girl, at all.

"Of course we're bonding, Bobbi. She's my best friend," Justin said.

"It's still quite cute. Oh, tell you're lovely girlfriend I said hi when you speak to her. I know she'd love to know that you're being protected," Bobbi said, staring at me.

"What in the HELL is that supposed t--"

"Sure thing, Bobbi. I'll let her know. Come on Zee, I gotta show you something," Justin quickly interrupted, pulling me off the stage and outside. I was glad none of the cameras present today were catching any of this. Once outside, I pulled my arm out of Justin's tight grip.

"Ow," I said.

"When are you gonna stop letting that woman get to you? The only reason she does that is because she knows she can get under your skin," Justin explained.

"Let me lay her out and I bet she'll be trying to get under my skin with a tube down her throat," I quipped.

Justin chuckled softly. "You can be such a firecracker, it's actually really cute, when it's done being scary."

I playfully punched him in the arm. He laughed softly, showing his beautiful smile. I missed him. I feel like we never got the opportunity to just hang out with one another, all day, only the two of us. I wanted to hang out with my best friend, but I didn't trust myself around him. I had a lot going through my mind and being alone with temptation was stupider than stupid's stupid.

"I don't mean to get so riled up when she's around, but she's a total dick and knows how to get under my skin," I said.

"Let her be that then," Justin replied. His southern accent kicked in and I couldn't help but smile. "You just be the sweet and wonderful Zahra I know and love, k?"

"Fine, I'll try to be civil. But she has got ONE more time and I'm taking out all of her fronts," I warned.

Justin rolled his eyes, sighing heavily. "What happened to the shy and quiet 12-year old I used to know?" He was holding onto my shoulders, gently shaking me.

"She's still here, but has to man up whenever Baldie's around," I teased.

"Ugh! Come on, let's go before Daddy C calls the search people," Justin said.

We walked back into the arena, Justin's arm was around my shoulders, and we were talking. I saw Joey glance up and we ended up catching one another's eyes. The look he gave me, I read it and I let out a frustrated sigh. Nothing is going on, damn it. Why does he think something's going on when I'm actually innocent? For once! I could scream right now. I pulled away from Justin once we were on the stage, and went to go sit in between Chris and JC.

"You and Justin are the cutest sometimes," that wretched voice commented.

I instinctively grabbed onto JC's pants leg and gripped tight. Bobbi's presence just sickened me, mostly because for all these years I know what's she's been doing to JC and...he just doesn't see it. He won't see it. He doesn't want to. I felt JC's hand press against my back. It
was a soft touch, and as always, he sensed what I was thinking and responded with "stay calm".

"Are we?" Justin asked.

"Yeah you guys are such good friends, I almost forget you're dating Britney," she replied.

"Zahra's the greatest and I'm glad she's one of my best friends," Justin said.

"What about you, Josh? She your best friend, too?"

I felt my heart beat go into top speed and my blood boiled beneath my skin. What was she playing at? And why was she doing it now? Here? During crunch time? Was she trying to throw off everyone's focus? Like I said, complete dick. ALL THE TIME.

"She is," JC replied.

"Justin, JC, and Zee. The three musketeers. An odd number. Threes don't last very long, because two always go off and pair up."

"Bobbi," I warned.

"Oh Zahra, I almost forgot you were here. But since you are, who're you gonna pick to pair off with?" she asked.

The intensity and sting of that question slapped me right in the face. I couldn't feel any part of my body. I wanted to beat the Botox off of her face, but I couldn't move. Did she embarrass me? Again? I didn't hate people, I could never live with someone having that much power over me, but I was so disgusted with this woman, I couldn't even be disgusted. The tight grip I had on JC's pant leg, faltered and anyone who was breathing right now knew that at this moment, they needed to be very worried. I had no emotion and that was dangerous, especially for Bobbi.

"Bobbi, I'll walk you out," JC said.

"But I--"

"Now, please," he repeated firmly. Was JC angry for me or because he wanted to know the answer to that question, too?

The second Bobbi was out of my sight and reach, I stood up. "I'm gonna go, now."

Justin threw his keys at me. "Take my car, I'll get it later."

I nodded in appreciation and almost did the 100-yard dash to get out the arena. I brushed past JC so quickly, he couldn't even grasp me to stop me. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't look at anyone right now.

2000: The Truth. The Pain. The Hurt.

I sat in JC's condo, in complete silence just thinking. Oh Lord, can I just stomp her face in? Please? I promise I won't do THAT much damage so she'd get plastic surgery, only the Botox she already wastes money on. Bobbi was an asshole from her core, but the bitch made a valid point. A point that could not only destroy the friendship I had with JC and Justin, but could destroy theirs as well. Hmm. Who knew under all that horrible hair, she had a brain. Fucker.

It took some time for me to calm down. The only person I was truly angry at was JC. I was mad at him for not opening his eyes and seeing what that witch was doing to him. She was wicked, so wicked, and her intentions for being with him were untrue. She couldn't love him in a million years, the way I do right now. Hell, even Justin loves JC more than Bobbi does.

"Hhhhh!" I sighed heavily.

I finally got up from hours of laying on the couch and decided to get in the shower. I walked through the dark place, going into JC's guest room and setting some pajamas out on the bed. I stripped down and grabbed my towel, wrapping it around my body and headed to the bathroom.

There was nothing more calming to me than a hot shower. I let the water splash down on my hair, cascading down my body, and I felt at peace. I wanted to be calm when I talked to JC. Probably because I knew how our heated arguments went. By the end of it, I'm ready to push him down and kiss him into 1935, and that's pretty innocent considering what he'd want to do to me.

I stepped out the shower, dried my hair a little. I grabbed some of JC's Johnson's Baby Lotion, knowing why he loved it so much, and put it on all over my skin. Once I was done, I wrapped my towel around me, placed my feet into my flip flops, and left the bathroom. I flipped on the light to the room and JC was siting on my bed. I jumped about 5 ft in the air. Geez, could he at least pretend he wanted me to know he was home?!

"Jace, what, you scared me," I panted.

JC took one look at me and put his head down, staring at the carpeted floor. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in the shower."

I pursed my lips, giving him a look before walking over to the bed and grabbing my clothes. I stayed on the other side, looking at his hunched back.

"Keep your eyes on the floor, don't turn around," I warned.

"I've already seen you half-naked, Zee," JC said, straightening his position.

"Key word is HALF," I said. I pulled on my tank top and stuck my legs into a new pair of boxers I bought a yesterday. I slipped on some tube socks to keep my feet covered. I felt ready to dive head-first into what was about to occur.

"Whatever. Look, I'm sorry about Bobbi's behavior today. She was a real jerk."

"JC, you'd have to apologize everyday because that's just simply who she is," I responded.

"Please don't start."

"How can you not see it?" I asked.

"See what?"

"That girl is USING YOU and you're letting her," I said.

"If this reaction is about me and you..."

"No, Joshua, it's not about me and you. You're my friend first, period. Bobbi is no good, and you're the only one who can't see it because you're too damn stubborn," I snapped

JC chuckled softly. "Wow. Okay, I'm going to bed."

I watched as JC stood up and walked toward the door. He turned to look at me and then exited. No. He. Did. Not. Typical JC and me argument. He walks off and I get into Mortal Kombat Kitana mode. Oh he is going DOWN.

I stormed out of my room and over to his. He stood, shirtless, still wearing his track pants from earlier. Really, JC? I know he wasn't about to use his body as a distraction. Still, I was prepared to take him on.

"How rude, I was speaking to you," I said as I sat down on his bed.

"Yeah, about the same crap you always speak to me about. I don't wanna hear it," JC said.

"That's your problem. You don't wanna hear anything anyone has to say."

"You and Justin have said enough to each other, right? Why include me?"

Okay. I was NOT prepared for that. Justin? Who's even talking about Justin. See? The evil tramp has given JC her poisonous apple. Damn it all to hell and back.

"What does Justin have to do with this?" I asked.

"I don't know, you tell me," JC shot.

"Screw that, if you have something to say, say it."

"Bobbi was a jerk today, but she had a point. Three's a crowd, so where does that leave me, huh? Am I a crowd?" he asked.

I'm gonna kill her. I have to kill her. She MUST be stopped and the killed. Twice.

"Really Josh? I aksed for you to stay in my home. You become such a common face there, that I
don't even remember what it was like without you, yet you'd believe I think you were a crowd? You truly do find new ways to hurt my fucking feelings."

I was speechless, but must of all, hurt. How could he not see that I'm head over heels for him? Oh yeah, for the same reason he didn't see Bobbi for who she was. He didn't want to.

"I don't know what to think. You and Justin have always had a thing, I know that. And I know I often denied how I felt about you. But I'm done doing that. I don't know how much more I could express to you how I feel. I thought I was worried about that Chris guy taking you away, but I'm not. It's Justin. I can't compete with Justin and I won't."

The familiar sound of those words stung me in the back. Compete. He was worried about Justin. Justin was worried about JC. If there was a point after fucked beyond belief, that's
where I am right at this very moment.

"I'm gonna stay quiet. I don't have anything to say."

....because I'm refraining from going ballistic about you and Justin thinking I'm some kind of game to be played. I'm beginning to feel like I've mistakenly placed myself into an ongoing competition between the two. And for some reason, I've become the grand prize.

"Say that I don't have to worry about Justin taking you away from me."

"I can't."

"Why not?" he asked. "Why can't you guarantee you won't let Justin take you away?"

"Because, you're not my boyfriend. You belong to someone else who you WANT to belong to. I can't promise a taken man anything," I said, feeling the power I thought I'd lost, being restored back into me.

JC scoffed and shook his head. I didn't like seeing him hurt and I hated when I was the one who'd done it. But, it was the truth. No matter what I could say to him or promise, it means nothing if he has someone. I can't shake the fact that I've touched the lips she's touched. I've yearned for the body she's already had and continues to have. And even though all of that would be true regardless of if he was with her or not, the point is, he wouldn't be with her.

"I wish you and Justin the best of luck, then."

JC grabbed his towel and started to exit his room. I hopped to my feet to grab his hand. "J. C.," I patiently said. I hated when he did this.

"Don't. Don't look at me like you have feelings for me. Don't talk to me like you care about me. Don't touch me like I'm the only man in the world for you because I'm not. You never even said you loved me back."

JC pulled his grip out of my hand and walked away. Look at what all Bobbi's done in matter of hours. Look at what I've let this become. What have I started? I can only imagine what Justin's thinking about. Especially since he didn't come and pick up his car.

2000: The Last 3 Days

Do you know what's worse than having someone close to you, whom you love, being upset with you? Staying with someone whom you love and having them be mad at you. The silence in that condo was unmistakably horrendous. Even the sound of the heavy rain pounding down was quieter than the silence, and the silence was as loud as ever. JC didn't speak to me, he didn't come near me, he didn't even so much as glance at me. I know that I hurt him. But how long have I been letting him hurt me? I was done being the one he loved but couldn't be with. It's never been a surprise how I felt about him. Never. Why should I be punished for hoping he'd figure out what he wants?

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Zahra." Chris? It was Chris. Montez, not Kirkpatrick. Trust me, it's not as weird as it sounds.

"Hey Chris, how are you?" I asked. I got up and closed the room door. JC wasn't home, of course, but I couldn't be too sure.

"I'm doing great, how have you been? Spring Break going well?" he asked.

"I've been great, too. And yes, my break is....definitely gonna be one to remember. I'll be glad when I'm back home," I replied.

"Oh you're out of town, that's pretty sweet, I am, too. Where are you?" he asked.

"In Orlando, soaking up this sun because I have no choice," I joked.

"Seriously? That's crazy weird," Chris replied.

"What makes that crazy weird?"

"I'm in Orlando, too."

My jaw dropped wide open. What the hell? Chris was in Orlando. Maybe he was here for a reason. And maybe that reason was the same as why I here.

"Are you kidding me? That's awesome," I said.

"Is it? I thought you'd be creeped out," he laughed.

"Nooo, of course not. We're friends and since I'm here for two more days, I was thinking we should hang out," I suggested.

Wow. That was bold.

"Really?"

"Yeah, definitely. Unless you're busy," I replied.

"No, no, not at all. I'm definitely available. I'll call you tomorrow and we can set something up and make your two days go out with a bang."

I could picture him smiling, running his fingers through his curly hair. I've really been neglecting him this entire time. I wish I would've called him, that way I would have had a friend when I didn't feel like being at the compound. At least we have two days. Can't complain about that, right?

"Okay, cool. I can't wait. It was nice hearing from you, Chris," I said.

"Same here. I'll talk to you later, bye."

"Bye."

I hung up the cellphone I'd gotten prior to my trip and placed it on the nightstand. I wasn't going to sulk anymore or feel bad for telling JC the truth. I was gonna have some much needed fun and take my last two days put with a bang. Or a spark. Hell, a tiny flicker would suffice.

I got up and went to open my door. I was hungry and I needed some food. My little Ziploc baggy of peanut M&M's just wasn't going to cut it anymore. I bobbed rhythmically as I walked to the kitchen. Not paying attention, I was in for a rude awakening once I saw JC sitting at the counter sipping on some water. I spun on my heel and tried to bob back to my room, but as nature would have it, he saw me. Damn it!

I proceeded to walk into the kitchen, feeling his eyes on me. I opened the fridge and grabbed myself an apple. After getting it, I leaned against the counter and took a bite. Even then, his eyes were burning the side of my face. I closed my eyes in hopes of when opening them, he would walk away. Instead, as I closed my eyes, I felt an intense heat in front of me. No. Don't you dare. I was hoping and praying and begging that he wouldn't be standing in front of me when my eyes opened. But AGAIN as nature would have it, that bitch, he was standing in front of me. Staring down at me with those forever intriguing eyes. His hair was wet, almost like he'd been standing in the rain.

I was holding back tears. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. A lot more than I wanted it to. Regardless of what I mentioned earlier, no one had any idea what it was like to stare into JC's eyes when he was hurting. I couldn't hold the gaze. I had to look away or else I was in shambles, all over the kitchen. My hair fell across my face, covering my cheek and the tear that was traveling down it. Why did this hurt so much? Where was the good parts of love that everyone told me wait for?

I felt JC's fingers touch and lift my chin. He walked in closer to me, staring directly down into my eyes. He was reading me. He was searching for something and I didn't know what it was. What was he looking for? Whatever it was, caused him to faintly smile at me. I was now confused. He brushed my hair from my face with one hand while holding onto the back of my head with the other. He...he was leaning in closer to me. His forehead touched mine, our noses were centimeters apart, our lips close. Once I felt his lips gently touch against mine, another tear fell. Except, it wasn't my tear. What? I glanced up and saw those watery ocean eyes. Was he crying?

"JC," I whispered quietly. My breathing was panicky. I felt like he was going to tell me something bad.

"Say you love me," he whispered.

The shock I felt was beyond the feeling of shock itself. I was relieved that nothing terrible had happened, so relieved. That's what he was searching for. That's what he was looking for. My love for him. Little did he know, it was always there, he just had to search for it.

"JC."

His lips found mine again, this time kissing me open-mouthed. His fingers massaged the scalp of my head, as they were brushing through my straightened hair. I felt both of his hands rest on the back of my neck, his body now pressing lightly against my own. JC broke our kiss, his hands palms placed face down on the counter. He towered and engulfed my body amongst his.

"Tell me you love me. I see it in your eyes, but I need to hear it," he whispered again.

"What does it matter if I do?" I asked quietly.

JC smashed his lips into mine again, bringing his tongue along with him. The way he was kissing me was filled with passion. He was now firmly pushed against me, with his arms wrapped around my waist. I was losing myself in him. Why was he such a powerful force to me? I didn't even feel when he lifted me on top of the counter. My arms wrapped around his neck, feeling the dampness of his shirt. He was definitely in the rain.

I felt his tongue trail across the skin of my neck, causing me to shudder. I sighed deeply. JC swiftly slipped his hand down in between our bodies. With his lips never leaving my neck, JC worked his hand beneath my shorts and under my panties. My body tensed feeling his middle finger enter me. My eyes closed, letting the pleasure take over. His teeth were biting down on my lip as I felt his index finger join in on his fun. I gasped, arching my back.

"Say you love me," he breathed.

The rough pull and push of his motion filled the entire area with loud moans. JC pulled my hip with one hand as the other was being surrounded by my clenching insides. I gripped onto his back, knowing that I was going to quickly reach my peak any minute. JC's face buried into my neck, l could feel all the bite marks and bruises he was leaving.

"I love you...I love you," I moaned.

Feeling that very last thrust of his fingers, I crumbled. I fell into his arms, feeling weak in every way.

Two weeks. Almost two weeks with smooth sailing and now this. The potential for this becoming a domino effect? We'll see.

2000: Day Before Last

I woke up the next morning wrapped in JC's arms. Nothing else happened after the kitchen. We sort of just laid together in silence and fell asleep. I desperately wanted to enjoy the moment, but I couldn't. I couldn't enjoy it at all. I couldn't talk to JC. If I told JC Justin
wasn't a threat or I didn't have feelings for him, I'd be lying. If I told JC Justin was a threat and I loved Justin, too, things would get worse. What can I do?

I looked over at JC and I carefully got out of bed. He stirred slightly, but didn't wake up. I looked at him. I wanted to hold him and caress his skin, run my fingers through his hair. I can't do it.

"You're leaving me so soon?" JC asked as I was nearing the door.

"I'm hanging out with a friend today," I replied.

"Last night...."

"I love you, I have for awhile." I began. "But that doesn't change anything between us. We may love each other, but that's it."

"Just give me some time. Please?"

"You have all the time in the world to decide what's best for you. I won't be in your way, nor will I stop you anymore."

"You're not gonna tell me who you'll be hanging out with today, are you?" JC asked.

I leaned against the door frame and smiled. "Course not."

I left his room and went to take a shower and wash my hair. Every part of me smelled like JC. My HAIR smelled like JC. It wasn't a bad smell, but his cologne or man spray, whatever he used, stuck to my body like glue. I had to scrub the scent off of me. Especially if I got anywhere within 50 feet of Birdie. She could probably smell him from halfway across the country.

As I did my hair, styling it back into a bun, my cellphone rang. I quickly picked it up and answered.

"Hello?" I greeted.

"Hey Zee, it's Chris. What's the plan today?" he asked.

"Hey Chris. I don't know. We could go to a theme park, Downtown Disney, City Walk, or a restaurant, anything you want," I suggested.

"How about we go to a theme park place with a restaurant in it?" he joked.

"Downtown Disney, then?" I smiled.

"Sure. What time do you want me to pick you up?" he asked.

I can't let him come here. JC would have a heart attack. He may not be worried about Chris "stealing" me, but he is still jealous.

"I have to run an errand first, so can you meet me there around 1:30-ish?" I asked.

"Sure, that's fine. See you soon."

"Later."

I hung up the phone and gathered my things. I was gonna head over to the arena with JC and then beg Justin to let me borrow his car. The "I need pads" should do the trick if it becomes difficult.

Speaking of the blue-eyed, curly haired devil, it seemed like we haven't spoken in ages. After that whole Bobbi incident, it was like.... Nah. No way. There's no way he'd believe that crap she was spewing, right? JC did. But JC's been in her death grip for years now, he would believe anything she said. Justin didn't dwell on it. I hope Justin didn't dwell on it.

"Jace, hurry up!" I called. I snickered. I was rushing JC? JC was usually the one rushing me.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, hold your horses," he droned as he walked into the kitchen. He sat down at the counter and dropped his head into his arms. He was definitely still sleepy, poor guy.

"I'll pour you some orange juice, you big sleepy baby, you," I cooed. JC looked up at me with a look on his face and I laughed. "What? Joshy doesn't like it when Zee Zee teases her widdle baby?" I pinched his cheeks.

JC pouted his lips and looked up at me with big eyes. "Can I have a straw?"

No matter how upset we got with each other, we always made up. I smiled at his playfulness. He was the cutest sometimes, I couldn't deny it. I stretched my hand out to give him a straw and he took it, grabbing my hand shortly after. Standing up from his seat, JC pulled my arm to bring me closer to the counter and he kissed my lips. His lips tasted sweet from sipping the orange juice.

Not even bothering to acknowledge what had just occurred, I threw JC's keys to him and headed out the door. Once we were in the car, my mind kept going back to our recent kiss. It triggered a series of old memories containing each time JC and I had been together. From the first time JC kissed me in my bathroom to the first time we almost made love in his new bedroom. It had been the longest and wildest ride. Yet, I didn't have him.

"God damn you," I said.

He smiled as he pulled off down the street. "What? Why?"

"You're affect on me is such a strong one, it's ridiculous," I answered.

"It's cute how you think that you don't do the same thing to me."

"I don't believe that," I said bluntly.

"Why not? You don't think you could have any affect on me?" he asked.

"I'm just Zahra. I'm not part of a global pop vocal group. I don't have every girl in the world wanting to be with me."

"But those guys who are part of a global pop vocal group could have every girl that's wanting them, yet they're wanting to be with you."

I let his words simmer in my mind. He's acknowledging something neither of us ever discussed. The possibility of me being with Justin. We never talked about it. Ever. Though what JC said may be true, at the end of the day, they were both taken.

"That makes me want to know why," I mumbled.

"Why what? Why you're wanted?" he asked.

"Yeah. You can have any girl you want. You have one, not to mention, yet you're here with me. What's so special about me?"

"You were there before it all, you know? You understand and accept things most girls would struggle with. You're intelligent, funny, sweet, humble, the list goes on. You're not afraid to tell us the truth and be honest. You wrote to us when we all went back to our homes, consistently, and you didn't have to. I guess just being around you for such a long time, I'm finally beginning to appreciate how valuable you are to me."

"I don't feel very valuable. Not with the way things have been happening."

"I promise that it won't be long. Wait for me," JC said.

"I have been waiting for you. I've been waiting for so long," I said.

"I know. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"If you can't wait for me, are you going to be with Justin?" JC asked.

I gasped quickly, ending up choking on my spit and coughing. "Excuse me?" I managed. The car slowed to a complete stop. I hadn't even realized we were at the arena.

"I just wanna know."

"Can we not do this ri--"

"No, hear me out. I know that I got upset and jealous about the thought of you and J being together, but, I can't do anything if I miss my chance. It always seemed like you were great for one another."

"What makes you think you're not perfect for me?" I asked.

"Because things haven't gone right," he replied.

I reached for his chin, grabbing gently, and turned his face toward me.

"You surpass perfection to me. If you forget everything I ever tell you, always remember that." I leaned forward and placed a small kiss on the side of his lips.

I wiped the side of his mouth and got out of the car. JC was very sweet. But I didn't want to be put in the position of having to choose. I wanted whatever was natural to happen. If it was meant to be with Justin, it'd happen. If it was meant to be with JC, it'd happen. Maybe nothing would ever go further than friendship between us all. At this point, I couldn't even tell.

2000: Last Day...Back on the Bus

Chris and I had the best time together yesterday. We decided to just do Universal Studios after our Downtown Disney fun. It was nice getting to sit down and know someone who wasn't in the entertainment business. Guess I can see why the guys loved coming to see me so much and wanted me around. Sometimes it was nice being around those who keep you grounded, like they have for me.

I learned basic things about him: birthday was June 11th, Gemini, three siblings: two sisters and one brother, middle names were Jose Alejandro, and his favorite color was any and all shades of blue. We both had a lot in common and he was such a fun and exciting person. The thing I liked the most about him was his plans for his future. He knew what he wanted and accepted that it wouldn't be easy, and that he would probably change his mind.

We spent most of the time at his cousin Ernesto's house talking and hanging out. Time got lost and I didn't get back to JC's condo until about 1 AM. JC was sleeping, practically out cold, and I was glad. But I knew that today would be the day he questioned me about it. Not because he wanted to know where I was, but because I never mentioned anything about having friends in Orlando. He wanted to know WHO I was with. Boy. That conversation was going to be short and sour, I can see it now. I know JC, I know how possessive and protective he can get. I wasn't going to hide the truth, though. I'm single.

"I am packinnnnng, la la la, packinnnng up a stormmmm," I playfully sang. I heard a throat being cleared and I looked up. JC was watching me with his eyebrow raised. "What? That's my packing song."

"Please don't ever sing it again," JC laughed.

I scrunched up my face and stuck my tongue out at him. "Don't hate, appreciate."

He rolled his eyes and came over to sit on the bed. Remember that conversation I mentioned earlier? Yeah. Here it comes.

"So when'd you get in last night?" JC asked.

"Around 1. You waited up?"

"Nah, I went to bed since I knew we had to be out on the road before 11 in the morning," he replied. "I didn't know you had friends in Orlando."

"I don't," I said looking up at him after I zipped up my last duffle bag. I felt nervous about telling him the truth, I won't lie. JC wasn't my boyfriend, I wasn't his girlfriend, but this would still be awkward because we have feelings for one another.

"Oh. Okay then," JC said. I know he was confused.

"Chris called me and discovered we were both in the same place. He was here visiting family, me with you guys. We hung out and then I came back," I explained.

"He really likes you."

"How do you know that, JC?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't he? You got it goin’ on,” he teased.

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "You're such a pig."

"I'd love to see all of you in action. Maybe we should christen my place before we go." JC rubbed his teeth across his lower lip. The devious look on his face said he was joking, but serious if I wanted to.

I leaned over my bag and placed my finger under his chin. "You wouldn't be able to handle my body."

JC scoffed and stood up. "I could do things to your body that would make you beg for me."

JC was probably right. No, scratch that. He IS right. He's done it before. Unintentional jerk.

"I think you mean my body could do things that would make you beg for me," I shot.

JC grabbed my bags, one in each hand, and walked to the door. He stopped right at the frame and turned back to look at me. "Prove it."

JC smiled and left the room. So, that ended the conversation. That immaculate power of his. He could get me to shut up a lot more often if he actually put some effort, like he just did. The banter between JC and I always got hot, and how he ended it was by calling my bluff. Yeah. What can I say? I SAID I didn't have a problem having sex with him. It’s totally different than actually having sex with him. What Celeste told me about not going that route with JC, it stuck with me a little. What she didn't tell me, though, was why I shouldn't.

2000: The Wheels on the Bus

Here's the goal: stay in the company of Chris at all times whether he's by himself or with Justin and/or JC. By doing this, I'll accomplish two things: no alone time with Justin nor JC. That's my goal. Remember it.

"I'm gonna ride back with Joey and Lance, they have food," Chris said.

You have GOT to be kidding me. Nature's totally fucking with me, right?

"Whoa, whoa, don't do that," I said quickly, grabbing Chris' shirt.

Chris grinned evilly. "Why not? You need some quality time with the Mousketeers," he whispered.

Oh. Oh. This isn't nature at all. This is the work of Chris Kirkpatrick! Why? Why is he doing this? Doesn't he know this isn't gonna go well?

"Chris, this isn't funny, this is serious," I whispered back.

"Look, this is your obstacle. You have to make this peaceful. I don't care what you have to do, Zahra, just make sure by the time we're back in LA, those two are lovey dovey again," he said.

"They're fine, Chris," I said.

"No, no they're not. You weren't at the last two or three rehearsals at the arena. The tension was unbelievable."

Tension? There was tension between them? The urge for me to blame Bobbi is running through my veins. But no. This was all my fault. I'm the one who's coming between them. And while most girls could care less, I couldn't live with myself knowing I ruined a great friendship.

"What do you mean?"

"I've seen them mad at each other before, but it was different this time. Almost like they didn't know why they were mad, didn't think they were mad, but they were mad about it anyway. Their vibe on stage is something like magic, and yesterday, they wouldn't even look at each other."

"I'll fix it. Go on, Chris."

I sat down in the booth, with both my feet lifted up onto the seat, while Justin and JC got on the bus and found areas to get comfy. Even then, they separated quickly. I had to do something. I'd rather them both hate me than hate each other because of me.

As the bus started and began to move, I thought about what I could do to make sure they weren't letting me come between them anymore. I let ideas simmer in my mind until I finally reached my Aha! moment.

"Justin? JC? I have to tell you guys something!" I called.

It would appear to be wiser to tell them whatever was on my mind separately, but doing it while they were both present lessened the chance of them thinking I was lying to protect the other person. All I really want to do is protect them both. From me.

Justin walked out from the back room and sat across from me. JC wasn't too far behind, and he sat on the other side of the bus across from Justin and I. I can't deal with it like this.

I stood up and grabbed JC's hand. "You sit over here." I led him to where I was sitting, while I sat where he chose to sit. I needed to be able to look at them at the same time.

"What is it that you have to tell us?" JC asked.

"I'm dating someone. I have a boyfriend."

This was a lie. A bold, blatant lie. But, it was the only way without making things worse. I shot my eyes, back and forth, between JC and Justin. They both looked taken aback by what I said. Hurt? I couldn't see it. Not yet, at least. It made my stomach turn to even tell them I
was dating, because I was afraid they'd move on and leave me.

"You have a boyfriend?" JC repeated.

"Since when?" Justin asked.

"Since yesterday," I replied. I LIED.

"Who is he?" Justin asked.

"What's his name?" JC asked.

"He--"

"Is it Chris Montez?" JC asked.

"Who's Chris Montez?" Justin asked.

JC turned to face Justin. "Chris Montez is a guy from her school she went on a date with yesterday."

"A date? You went on a date?" Justin asked.

It was working. JC and Justin were now a team, ganging up on the enemy, me. But geez, the questions.

"Stop, stop, stop," I said, with my hands held out. "Yes, I've known Chris for awhile, he's a great guy, and that's it."

"When do we get to meet him?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, when do we get to meet this guy?" JC asked.

"Oh my god," I mumbled. "You'll meet him when I want you to."

"I can't believe Zahra's dating someone and didn't tell us," JC said.

"I know right? And she calls herself our best friend."

"Um HEL-LO! HI! Zahra's right here!"

"HEY! We're mad at you right now, ex-best friend," Justin said.

I rolled my eyes and walked toward the back room. I smiled a little. It hurt to lie to them, but it made me happy that my lie would bring them closer together again. I'm exaggerating, but how lame would things be if they were no longer friends?

2000: "Long as sunlight lights the sky..."

I laid on my designated bunk, right above JC's, and just kept quiet. For most of the ride, I listened to JC and Justin converse with one another. They laughed and reminisced about old times. That made me feel good. Thinking of how I was going to keep up the act of Chris being my boyfriend, made me feel terrible. No doubt he was sweet, funny, attractive, and anything I could want in a guy, but I wasn't about to bring his feelings into this. I'd continue being his friend and getting to know him like I always wanted to, and I'd keep him away from the others as much as I could.

I heard the curtain for my bunk pull open and I turned my head in that direction to see who it was. I smiled a little when I saw it was JC. Justin probably fell asleep in the back room watching a movie or something.

"Hey," I whispered.

"Hey, can I...?"

I nodded as I moved over, giving him space to climb in. He closed back the curtain and laid on his side, facing me. JC was gently gazing into my eyes, I saw the pain. I didn't want to cause him anymore, but if I could tell him the truth. He would understand, right?

"You forgot to mention that you were taken, earlier," JC said.

"I wanted both of my friends to be present when I said it."

"You have a boyfriend. Why did you say you'd wait for me?"

"We don't know what the future holds for us, JC. We can't force it if we're not ready." I caressed his face, moving up to his hair.

"You'll still be there for me?" JC asked, his eyes closing at the feeling of my fingers against his scalp.

"Of course I will. I'll always be there for you," I replied.

"I don't know the next time I'll see you, since we'll be touring. I'm gonna kiss you," JC whispered.

He inched closer to me until his chest was on top of mine. He stared at me, then dove in and kissed my lips. Immediately, I accepted his tongue, tightening my arms around his neck. I didn't realize our kiss was getting hotter and heavier until I felt the strap of my tank top
slipping off my shoulder.

"Hey."

"I'll miss you, Zee."

"I'm not going anywhere."

JC moved away from me, and opened back the curtain to my bunk. He kissed me on the cheek softly.

"If he ever acts up or does anything to hurt you, I'm on the first flight to see you."

I smiled. "Thank you."

The second the curtain was closed, I slammed my head into my pillow and let out an exasperated scream. I was lying, but I was doing the right thing. In the end, everybody would be happy.

-----------
The next morning, I was up pretty early. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went to sit at the front of the bus. I switched on the tv and found something to quietly watch.

"Zee, that you?"

I turned around and saw Justin coming to sit down on the other side.

"Hey sleepy head," I smiled.

"Guess I should probably give you a new nickname, huh?"

"No, no of course not. Why would you do that?"

"Don't think your boyfriend would like it very much," he replied.

"Let's not take it there"

"That felt weird."

"What?" I asked.

"Saying 'your boyfriend'. I always thought when I did, my name would be followed shortly after."

"Dude."

"I know, I know. I just, I thought, I don't know what I thought," Justin stammered. "I can't believe you didn't tell me about this guy."

"What was there to tell? He was just a guy from school," I said.

"But JC knew about him."

"JC only knew about him because he was at my house stealing food and answered the phone," I shot.

"Fair enough," he smiled. "Were you ever going to tell me about him?"

"Eventually. I didn't think it was anyone else's business who I was making friends with, to be frank," I answered.

"I beg to differ. After almost making love on a tour bus, I think I deserved to know a small detail or two," Justin quipped.

There was those words again: making love. I sighed heavily. "You have to figure things out with Brit. I don't want be in the way of that. Who knows what could happen in the future," I said.

"Like I'll have an opportunity."

"Why wouldn't you?" I asked.

"JC, of course."

I let my exasperation out. "What does JC have to do with anything?"

"I'm just saying. I already knew what was going on between you guys. Why wouldn't he go after you if the opportunity presents itself?"

I could see where this conversation was heading and I wasn't about to let it. Not after I just fixed things. No way.

"It doesn't matter. I can't speak for the future, none of us knows what can happen. You might just find someone who you'll love more than anything. JC might find that person, too. If it's you, him, or both, the possibility of that person being me is slim."

I was telling myself this, more than I was telling him. I needed to realize that what I was saying isn't only something they needed to understand, but something I needed to understand as well.

"You can't help who your heart chooses for you, Zahra. But it's obvious your heart can be split in two. I know that, but I think you know it
better than anyone else," he said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

I was afraid to ask, actually. For some reason I felt like I knew what he was about to say. I didn't want him to say it at all, but I knew it
was coming, regardless.

"I mean that half of your heart belongs to me and the other half belongs to JC."

My two weeks in Florida were great and fun with a few bumps along the way. I won't complain about them though because they were very minuscule compared to what they could have been. BUT, life went on, as always. I hadn't spoken to any of the guys in about a month and a half, they were really working hard. As I already said, I admired their dedication and work ethic. Even among all that, Justin managed to get his diploma. I was so happy for him, I sent him a Congrats card. I'm proud he made it through.

Besides seeing them perform "It's Gonna Be Me" on the MTV Movie Awards, I was excited to see the guys on HBO for their Madison Square Garden special. I had heard nothing but praise about their show and I was glad that there was a chance for me to see it on television. It was about two weeks away, calendar marked, videotape ready, and everything. Yes, they were my friends and I saw them do this stuff in my sleep AND theirs, but deep down I was such an *NSYNC fangirl, I had to record everything they did. Oh, and because in 10 years I was SO going to break these puppies out and show it to them.

2000: New York....New York?!

As I was leaving my last class of the summer session, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped slightly, turning around to see who it was. Whew, it was a fresh face. For some reason I always think I'm gonna be stopped by campus police.

"Oh, Montez, you scared me."

Chris smiled and placed his arm comfortably across my shoulder. God, he smelled like ice-capped mountains, waterfalls, and rain-forests. Was it even possible to smell like that? I don't know.

"I take offense to that, I'm a very non-scary person. See?" he said as he smiled innocently.

I chuckled. "You're very right, not threatening at all, whatsoever."

"That's cold."

I laughed as we continued to walk. We were walking through the parking lot like we owned it, and I'm sure we were pissing off very hurried students. I still had JC's old trusty jeep in my possession. It was my car, but still, he paid it off. I don't see why he won't let me trade it in or at least let me drive the car he has parked in his garage. Okay I never asked. I need to remember that.

"You glad the first half of summer session is done?" Chris asked as he leaned against my jeep.

"Oh god yes. I had to be the overachiever and take summer classes, but I'm glad it's over. I want the rest of my summer to do absolutely
nothing on my couch," I replied as I placed my things on the passenger and closed the door.

"Mind if we do absolutely nothing together?" Chris laughed.

"I dunno Montez. I don't think you can hang, chico," I teased.

"Oh ha ha. You seriously don't have any plans?"

I shook my head. "Nope. Unless my mom is hiding a secret vacation, which is complete bullshit, I am home for the rest of the summer. What about you? Staying in Cali?" I asked.

"Nope, going to Puerto Rico to visit my dad's family. I haven't seen them in a long while. My grandmother misses me," he replied.

"Wow, Puerto Rico, that sounds like fun in your pocket," I marveled.

"It is, but it's ten times better being with family. You've gotta go there."

"Chris, my Spanish is English. I'm not fluent enough to go to Puerto Rico or even San Diego, for that matter," I joked.

Chris laughed. "You can be such a clown sometimes. I'm saying that you should come with me the next time I go back."

That hit me in the face unexpectedly, nice and hard, too. Go with him? Was that okay to do?

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, my family would love to have you, I'm sure. I'll be sure to do damage control and let them know we're just friends and nothing else, but that won't save you from my cousins. Don't be shocked if they're trying to talk to you with chancletas on and New York accents," he mused.

I giggled. "Sounds like fun, thank you. Let's hope that I'll save enough money to go."

"I'M inviting YOU, I'll take care of everything when push comes to shove. All you have to do is show up."

"Are you sure that's all I have to do?" I cracked, eyebrows raised.

Chris bit his lip, shaking his head. He was such a shy dork sometimes.

"Contrary to belief, I'm a gentleman. I'd at least wait until you were in PR to make my move," he teased.

I smacked him in his arm and he laughed. "Perv."

"You like it. Anyway, I'll talk to you later, I have one more class to go." Chris hurried off across the lot.

"Peace out Montez! Thanks for walking me to my car!" I called.

He waved in response. I smiled and finally got in the jeep. I turned up the radio and to my surprise, the guys were on. I waited until I was out of the parking lot, before I began to blast "Bye Bye Bye" from my car speakers. A good way to REALLY start my summer.

When I got in the door, I dropped my stuff by the couch before plunging face first into it. I already knew my mom wasn't home from work yet, so I didn't have to worry about getting scolded for what I was doing. Good thing, too. I was already quite comfortable and didn't want to move yet.

RRRRRRRIIING!

And of course the phone would ring? Nature, what the hell? I sighed heavily and got off the couch, walking to the kitchen to fetch the phone off the charger.

"Home of the Whopper, what's your beef?" I greeted.

"Can I get a number 1, with no tomatoes, lots of onions, and a side of groupies?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "Pig. What’s up, Killpatrick?"

"I didn't get a chance to thank you for whatever you did that day on the bus," he replied.

"Oh, no problem dude. Anything for you," I said.

"Wait, that wasn't my thank you."

"What is, then?" I asked.

"A trip to New York."

My mouth fell open. Okay, I need to remember this is Christopher Kirkpatrick, also known as, Prank 1. Calm down, he's probably just playing another one of his tricks.

"Yeah right, dude. Come on, say the thank you."

"I'm serious!" he exclaimed.

"For real? What would I do in New York?" I asked.

"Come to our show and hang out with your favorite people on the planet. At least I'D better be," he replied.

Now, my mouth was back open. He'd better not be screwing with me. “Chris you know I've never seen you guys perform live before, don't joke about this."

He laughed. "I'm not, I swe— look, here's JC, he'll tell you."

"Hello?" JC greeted.

"C?"

"Come to New York, stop being a dork! Oh hey, that rhymed. Ahhh when I'm good, I'm good. We miss you Zee, come see us, please?"

"There was so much going on in that statement that I won't address now. But hell yeah, I'll come! I heard guys in The Bronx are hot."

"Yeah, I'm hanging up now."

I laughed. "I'm really coming to see you guys perform?"

"Yes, of course. This is our biggest moment, and we want you to be here. Besides Ms. Lynn threatened to kick us in the face or something if we didn't invite you to at least ONE show," JC teased.

"I don't know what to say. I'm so excited!"

"You don't have to say it, we know you're grateful. We'll send you the plane tickets next week. You should bring Chris."

Slick bastard.

"No, he won't be able to. He'll be in Puerto Rico. Nice try, though. I'm bringing my mom," I said, thanking nature twice for redeeming me.

"Yeah, I know. It was worth a shot. I can't wait to see my Mommy Camden," JC said.

"Heyy, what about Zee Zee Camden?" I asked.

"Who?"

"You punk," I laughed.

"Kidding Zee. Anyway, Chris is gonna call you when he sends the tickets. See you soon, mama."

I instinctively bit my lip, I loved when he called me 'mama', with his voice softened, but deep. Damn, even through the phone he's got me in knots.

"Bye, Jace."

I hung up and did the running man. Yes, one leg and everything. I'm going to NEW YORK!!!!

2000: New York, New York!

It's safe to say that I don't remember what happened those two weeks leading up to me seeing the guys live. Mostly because I wasn't joking about doing absolutely nothing on my couch for the summer. I slept, I ate, I showered, and on the occasion I danced around the house to burn off the calories I ate and directly slept on. Ooh, the life of an exciting 19-year old college student.

We landed at around 2 in the morning, I was completely jacked up from the time change. As my mom and I walked through the JFK Airport, I wasn't expecting any of the guys to be there greeting us. It was 2:30 and four days until the big show, I'm sure they all had to be eating their pillows right now.

"Hey Zahra, isn't that JC?" Mom asked.

I squinted my eyes, then opened them wide again. I don't know why, it didn't help a lick. I wasn't sure who it was, anyone could be JC this late.

"I don't know, Ma," I answered.

"I think it is, I can spot those eyes a mile away. If it was Justin, I would have seen his smile from the plane," she joked.

As we came closer to the male figure, I became more familiar with the body and facial structure, it sure was JC. My mom didn't even say 'I told you', she just went to hug JC. I rolled my eyes at what was taking place before me. Why doesn't she just move into his house and be his LA mother again? Sheesh. Nonetheless, I was surprised to see JC.

"Zahra," JC smiled as he bit his lip. He was wearing a baseball cap, a hooded sweatshirt, and a pair of sweats. Still, the man looked like heavenly perfection. I placed my arms around his neck and hugged him, while his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. His body engulfed mine, knowing that his scent was going to stick all over me. I didn't mind.

"JC, I'm surprised you're here. We don't call you Mr. Sleepy for no reason," I said as we pulled apart.

"I couldn't sleep."

I looked at JC as if he committed a sin. Josh having a hard time sleeping? I wonder what's weighing heavy on his mind. I waited for my mom to walk with JC's bodyguard and we lagged behind.

"You couldn't? Are you okay?" I asked.

"Now that you're here, I'm sure I'll be able to sleep just fine."

I glanced up at JC and gave him a small smile. He was disgustingly sweet, and I had an eager craving for some candy. I locked my arm around his as we strolled to baggage claim.

"You wanna share my room with me?" JC asked.

"Now you know that's like setting the entire building on fire. Don't ask me for the match," I replied.

JC laughed quietly. "I really do enjoy asking you things like that just to see what you'll come up with next."

I nudged him and went to grab my bag when it came into view. JC held his arm out in front of me, and stopped me.

"What are you nuts? You want all the moms to come after me because you wanna be Ms. I Can Get My Own Bags?" JC said.

I giggled and waited for him to grab my bag. We walked to the car, talking about the show and how it was going to turn out. JC was nervous, but he was ready, they all were. They'd worked too damn hard, there's no way they wouldn't be ready.

As we were in the back of the SUV, my mom was sitting in the front with the bodyguard, who was also driving. JC had his arm looped around my waist as I was laying on his chest, I was tired.

"Are you really into that guy?" JC asked.

That guy. JC knows his name is Chris, why must he do that? I'm a bit curious to see where this is going to go, though, so I'll humor him.

"I like him, yes. He's a very sweet and person. We have lots of fun together. Why are you asking?"

"I'm just wondering how serious things are between you and him," he replied.

"Being that we're in the beginning stages of things, it's not that serious yet," I said.

JC brushed his nose against the side of my face. I shivered at the feeling of his cool breath on my skin. I knew he was going to be good, since my mom was sitting not too far away. However, his finger trailed across my thigh.

"I wanna be able to kiss and touch you. Feel your body against mine," he whispered.

I shut my eyes, keeping myself calm. "Then you know what you have to do," I whispered back.

"I know. I want you so bad. I'm scared, Zahra."

Finally. JC finally admitted his fear to me. Didn't he know I was scared, too? I'm in love with him and his best friend. I'm terrified. Celeste had already told me JC was scared, but now I have it confirmed. He was scared, but of what?

"You are? Why?"

"Yes. Five years can be a lifetime when you're young. It shakes me to my core that I could feel such a way about someone."

"As time moves forward, five years will be so much closer together than you think." The truck pulled into a parking structure and began to slow as a parking space was found. "You have to learn to accept that I'll never be the same age as you are."

2000: Sunrises and Home-runs

I woke up, my second day in New York City, and looked over at the clock. 5:16. No way. My body was still getting used to the time change. I got up and I walked over to the window. The view was remarkable. The sun hadn't yet risen and I knew JC had a balcony, it'd be awesome if we sat out there and watched the sun rise.

I took off for the bathroom, washing my face and brushing my teeth. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I quickly slipped on my pair of Jordans, and wore basketball shorts over my boxers. I tip-toed out the hotel room, so not to wake my mom, and walked down the hall to JC's room. He gave me the extra key to get in. I quietly let myself in, cautious that he might be sleeping, and shut the door. I didn't see him in his bed, but I heard the shower going. I was going to let him know I was here, until I heard a small noise.

I crept quietly to the door, and eased it open a little bit more than it already was. I stayed, hunched over, to see what it was I'd heard. As I pushed myself a little more into the door frame, I heard JC breathing heavily. I wasn't sure what was going on until it became rhythmic. Oh....oh my God, he's... Is he? Shit. I wanted to shun myself and dash out of his hotel room, but I couldn't move. My feet were glued, one to the tile, the other to the carpet. As the water beat down, I listened to JC's quiet moans. I let myself be driven insane. As I was about to back away, I stopped in my tracks.

"Mmm....Zahra. Zahra...," JC moaned.

I slid down against the door, my body overcome with heat, passion, and most of all, flattery. He thought of me. He was thinking of me. Did he always think of me? Even when he was with her? I could feel my heart begin to race as JC was groaning and moaning out my name, coming closer to reaching his peak. I closed my eyes, picturing his body against mine, as his moans became short gasps. The loudest moan signaled he had hit his climax and would soon be completing his shower.

I quickly got up and pretended I had just come in. I knocked on the door softly. "Jace, it's me."

"I'll be out in a second," JC called breathlessly.

I kicked off my shoes, and sat on his bed, legs crossed, switching on a small lamp. I sighed, wishing I had put on a big t-shirt over my tank top. My nipples were hard. Ugh. Nature's revenge for invading JC's privacy. I already feel like I've stolen something. As I waited for JC to come out of the bathroom, I saw one of his notebooks open on the bed and picked it up. I knew it was where he'd put all his ideas for songs; he was a brilliant songwriter. Looking at the page, all I saw was a line written:

You can call me selfish, when all I want is your love

The words hit me and almost immediately, I tried to picture the words flowing melodically out of JC's mouth. I shook the thought, placing his notebook back down, as he walked into the room. I looked up and he sported a white undershirt and his boxer briefs. He was arms and legs, sporting a bulge I'm sure he didn't care to hide. Jesus.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be nosy," I said, referring to his notebook.

"It's okay, it isn't really anything private or else I wouldn't have left it lying around," he said as he climbed onto his bed, going under the sheets and blanket. I smirked.

"You took a shower just so you could go back to sleep?" I asked.

"I didn't get much rest. I still have a few hours until we're supposed to go rehearse, so yes, I sure did," he smiled.

I shook my head and got off his bed, walking over to the sliding door. I knew JC's eyes were on me, wondering what I was thinking about. Trying to be sure of what he, himself was thinking about.

"Come on, there's always room for one more," JC said as he moved over, pulling back the blanket and sheet.

I turned to look at him. God, he was gorgeous. Years down the line and it was almost impossible to fully grasp the Adonis before me. I smiled and walked back over to the bed. I took off my basketball shorts and placed them on the armchair before climbing in next to him. Not wanting to turn up the intensity, I didn't look his way. I kept my attention on the view outside the sliding door.

"It's beautiful, isn't it? Who would've thought those long hours in a hot, mucky warehouse could lead to this," JC mentioned.

"I know right? But you guys stuck it out and worked for it." I looked over at him. "I'm real proud of you."

He smiled bashfully. "Thank you. I'm glad my mom talked me into it. I'm glad you did, too."

"You wanted to go to college. Pfft. Not with that talent. You deserved a chance to show the world, again, what you've got. At first I didn't want you to leave, but once I understood that, I knew you had to."

"I know these past years have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for us both, and through it all, I'm glad you've stuck by me...by us all. It's hard to keep trusting friends, being in such a position me and the guys are in," JC said.

"If we didn't go through a few loops, twists, turns, and drops, our friendship would be the biggest lie on the planet. We've shared a lot together."

"Yes, we have. I was hoping we could share more."

I scrunched up my face in confusion. "More? What else could we share?"

"Ourselves." JC watched me, his eyes saying so much more than he just did.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"I am," he whispered as his lips kiss my shoulder.

I shuddered at the feeling of his cool lips. Didn't he just get off two seconds ago and now he's worked up like that again? He moved closer to me, caressing my thigh as he kissed my neck. Guess that means yes. I finally release a breath, feeling the blood continue it's flow through my body.

"I don't think it's a good idea," I mumbled.

"Your body is saying otherwise right now," he whispered as he gestured toward my breasts.

"That was from earlier when I heard --" I stopped myself. Was I really about to snitch on myself? Starfish aren't even that damn stupid. And they don't have brains.

"Heard what?" JC asked.

"Nothing."

JC continued to kiss my neck and his hand began to rise up my thigh. I almost jumped thirty feet in the air. He wasn't playing fair, he can't use this kind of ammo. Damn him.

"Fine, fine!" I breathed. JC pulled away from me, watching and waiting for my response. "I heard you earlier. In the shower."

At first, JC took a second to register what I'd said and then his face turned red, revealing more than anything he needed to say. I saw a smile appear across his face. This was definitely one of those infamous confusing JC moments. What was he smiling for?

"Oh, um, about that. I knew," he finally said.

"You knew what?"

"I knew you were at the door listening."

A warm feeling rushed over me, of total embarrassment. I was caught, he knew. How could he have known? "Wh-- How?" I asked.

"I caught a glimpse of the door cracked open when I pulled back the curtain. No one else can get in here besides you and room service. Room service isn't open until around 7."

Now I felt beyond embarrassed. He caught me spying and thing is, he wouldn't have even told me he knew if I didn't sell myself out. Karma is one slick bitch, she wasted no time in getting back to me.

"I'm sorry, I just..." I tried to explain.

"It's fine. I called out for you, hoping you would come in," JC said, both of us staring at one another. "This is up to you, Zahra. I'm here no matter what."

I looked away, finally understanding in full, what he meant. I gently placed my hands on each side of his face and pulled him down to my lips. His tongue brushed past my lower lip and our innocent kiss was easily deepened. Our foreheads touched as our lips pulled apart, gazing at one another, wishing that closing my eyes could help whatever I wanted to stop. It seemed inevitable now. I didn't want to end up regretting anything, no matter if I went along with it or didn't. But I feel something insane for him.

"Go slow," I whispered, looking up into his eyes.

JC's reaction was a kiss that sent my hormones through the roof. He laid back on his pillow and I watched as he pulled off his boxer briefs, still under the blanket. I heard him rip a condom packet and move around next to me. My eyes immediately shot to the ceiling, the nerves were kicking in. Still, I didn't hesitate to do the same as JC and take off my bottoms. JC handed me a towel and instructed me to place it under me, just in case. So, I wasn't that nervous before, but NOW? I'm scared out of my wits.

"Sit up," JC soothed.

I'm not sure why I needed to, but I did it anyway and he did the same. JC placed his hand on my stomach, toying with the edge of my tank top. I was expecting him to be taking full charge, but JC was as nervous as I was. Almost hesitant, even. Finally, he lifted my top up over my body and threw it toward the armchair behind me. He took a moment to familiarize himself with my body, running his finger across my bare skin. He reached for my head, pulling the ponytail out of my hair. My straightened hair fell on my shoulders, JC gently ran his fingers through it.

"You're beautiful," he said quietly.

I couldn't understand why he was prolonging the act, when in fact, he was watering at the mouth and practically yearning for us to break a bed. But then it struck me, just like before. Intimacy? JC never expressed to me that he just wanted to have sex, it was always making
love. Always. I slowly took off his undershirt, reaching for his chin and planting my lips on his. He laid me down on my back, his body positioning between my legs. I was nervous, I was scared, but I never felt so safe. He waited, just holding my gaze; he was nervous, he was scared. I grazed my fingers through his hair, placing both hands on his back.

JC rubbed his erection up and down, between my folds, causing me to gasp softly. He got the exact bodily response from me that he needed. He positioned himself closer, and then slowly entered inside me. Instantly a small pain shot from my center, all the way up and through my entire body. I winced and gripped his back, whimpering at the slight feeling of discomfort.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I sighed.

JC's lips find mine as he continued the slow push and pull of our love making. He kissed away the tears that formed in my eyes, unsure where the emotions were coming from. After a few minutes, I soon found that JC was beginning to feel really good between my thighs. So good. I closed my eyes, feeling his tongue across my skin, hearing the manly, breathy moans I could only fantasize about hearing before.

I bit down on my lip, loving how his body is caressing my insides. I cried out when his teeth sank into my skin, and he liked it. With his body hovering over mine, he trailed his tongue up my chin, sinking his teeth into my lip, causing another moan to escape my lips. I rubbed my fingers down his skin and grabbed onto his backside, wanting to force him further into me, as we were being turned on listening to one another's heavy breathing. I gasped, closing my eyes while he filled me. I moaned his name softly, pulling his hips closer as I listened to the naughty things he whispered into my ear.

The minutes seemed to pass too quickly as the sky was now a bright pink-lavender, with the pale yellow sun barely peaking through the New York City skyscrapers. JC's hair was drenched, my own deeply damp in sweat, his fingers digging into the bedding as he was propped up on his arms, rocking back and forth. The way his body rolled into mine, made my toes curl as I felt my core starting to burst open. Picking up very little speed since we'd started, JC was hellbent on making sure I felt every inch of him. I was quietly moaning, cursing with each second I was closer to my first actual climax.

I dug my fingers into his back, signaling to him that I was near, and from the red his face was flushed with, I could tell he was right there with me. Our moans began to rise, forcing ourselves into one another and shaking the entire bed. I widened my legs, feeling him go deeper. Smack. The climax had taken over our bodies. The sound JC made was by far the sexiest moan to ever grace my ears and it was a domino effect. I felt like I was having a seizure because this feeling, at this level of intensity, was so foreign to my body. Our lips found each other as we rode the wave together.

Out of breath, sweaty, and tired, JC collapsed down next to me. He threw his arm across my waist, bringing our bodies close. I kept my head against the pillow, his head was laid across my arm. We watched as the sun came up and lit up the hotel room. JC and I made love. That same JC who was Mr. Cool on MMC and never used to pay my antics any mind, had sex with me.

Yet, all that crossed my mind was Celeste advised me to not let JC be my first. I still don't know the real reasoning behind it.

2000: Truth

It was finally here. The moment I've been waiting years for. I was going to see *NSYNC live. I'd been to all their rehearsals and I knew that everyone was going to be in for a wild ride. I felt like their den mother or something, watching all my bees successfully make their
honey. Oh my sweet, little bees.

JC and I didn't really talk for the next two days. I chose not to disturb his focus on the show. I couldn't stop thinking about him, though. I mean, we shared an intimate moment, and I didn't feel how I should have felt. Guilt, shame, disgust, I didn't feel that. I wanted it more than he did and it felt good. Too good. I was already craving for another go round with him. I didn't think having another person against your body was that amazing, but indeed it was. Especially a body like JC's. Contrary to belief, we didn't have more sex, it was just the one time in the hotel room. It wouldn't surprise me if he was wanting more, too.

Before the show started, me and my mom hung out backstage, while the crowd was piling into their seats. I saw JC walk out from their dressing room, totally restricted to anyone, and head down the hall. I figured he was simply ignoring me as he turned the corner, until he poked his head out and with his index finger, deviously signaling for me to 'come here'.

"Mom, I'll be right back, I'm gonna go to the bathroom," I said as I quickly got up and made my way down the hall.

Before I could turn the corner, JC pulled me and pushed me up against the wall. All I could think about was how god damn turned on I was. I had to watch myself. Sex, making love, whatever, couldn't magically fix anything between JC and I. It could only further complicate things. However, I didn't shy away when he kissed me, my knees buckled. I stared at him, shocked eyes.

"Where did THAT come from?" I asked.

He smiled and grabbed my hand, pulling me down the hall with him. I didn't have the slightest clue to where we were going, but I continued running behind him. The hall got darker and quieter as we moved further away from the stage. We stopped in front of a door and he opened it, pulling me inside before checking to see if we were followed.

"Soundproof bathroom," JC panted as he walked toward me.

"Sir," I began. "Let's not do anything stupid, well stupider, now."

JC chuckled softly. I hit the edge of the sink counter and I knew that this was exactly where he wanted me to be. Shit. Nature, make an earthquake! Oh wait, we're in New York. Uh, make a winter storm! Oh shit, it's summer! Nature, do something, anything. Please! He's biting his lip and rubbing his hands together!

"Do you know how bad I've been wanting to be with you? Let me earn something to keep my hype on stage, and later you won't regret it," he said lowly.

When JC is sex driven, the look in his eyes changed. He was very alluring. I had no idea. I can hold my own, he'll just have to wait. We'll both just have to wait. He cut me off before I could even start my sentence. Lifting me onto the counter and pulling my lips to his once again. I gently pulled away, looking at him, my fingers brushing through his hair.

"I need you to focus on the show, not on me. Don't worry. It's my last night here, and we'll make it a good one," I told him.

He grabbed my thighs and pulled me into his body, hugging me tightly. I softly kissed his neck, holding our embrace. I wanted him to leave his girlfriend, but I knew that wouldn't fix everything. I still had a real, but fictional boyfriend and I had to be careful about Justin and make sure I didn't ruin his relationship with JC and ughhhh! Everything was so much more than JC and I being together.

"You were right."

I scrunched up my face. The heck is he talking about? "Right about?"

"Bobbi."

I could see the real hurt on his face and I think it came from him knowing all along that something wasn't right. When JC started becoming bolder in his conquests of me, he knew it then. He was in such denial, though. It hurts when you realize someone doesn't love you, but what you can do for him or her. How could she think that she could do him like that?

This wasn't time for me to gloat or flaunt anything in his face. I never wanted to do that. All I wanted him to do was open his eyes wider. Once he was able to do that, he'd be able to see things the way I did, Justin did, everyone did. It was sad that Bobbi finally showed her true colors. I'd like to believe JC would've never kissed me that day he eavesdropped on me if something with Bobbi hadn't gone wrong. But as always, that day comes back to me, Justin, and something that was going on between us. I could be wrong.

"Whether you believe me or not, I'm sorry."

"No. I'M sorry. I thought she would change and, right now all I'm doing is digging up what I can find. Once I have everything I need to know, we're done," JC said.

"And then we can struggle to be together."

"Why struggle? I thought after everything I could finally be with you."

"We can talk about it later, okay?" I pecked his lips. "Go kill on that stage."

Front row seats. Front. Row. Seats. My mom and I were holding each other, excited to see our favorite guys onstage. The atmosphere was energized and adrenaline-inducing. I could only imagine the guys feeling out backstage, trying to calm down. This was it. This was their moment.

The first song was No Strings Attached. Ha. Go figure. It was great. But yeah, let's skip all that and get to Digital Get Down. Now, remember I was gushing about the floor work in the choreo. I don't know who's idea it was to put a camera under the stage during that part, but thank that person. Thank that person a thousand times. JC, licking, and the floor. I saw that on the screen and damn near passed out with the other teenies. Not to mention there was a storm brewing.

Me and my mom were screaming for them the entire time and we were pretty much out of voice when it was over. I cried. I admit it. But, it was because I was proud. I was terribly proud. To be with them through the hard work for this show, and then finally seeing it in action was amazing. How sweet the taste of success could feel, even though it's not your personal own.

We were escorted backstage and we found our designated seats, outside the restricted dressing room. We went to get a bundle of five roses for each of them. That was my mom's idea, not mine, she's a pro at this super cheesy stuff. As the filed out of the dressing room, I playfully got on my knees and praised them.

"All hail the *NSYNC Kings, we're not worthy," I teased.

"Dork," Chris said.

I got up and handed him his bundle and we all shared cheesy hugs and kisses. Moms. They escorted my mom to her ride back to the hotel while I decided to hang with the guys on the bus. It was just one this time around. I didn't have to imagine the chaos, I've seen plenty of Joe's videos from Europe. Plenty.

"I just wanna sleep, but I'm too amped," JC whined as he put his head on my shoulder.

"Me, too," Lance whined placing his head on my other shoulder.

I wanted to laugh at their goofiness, but they were too damned cute at the moment to get anything else out of me other than 'awww'.

"Awww." See? "If you guys are restless, I can help you out with that."

"How?" JC asked.

"We can talk about Algebra," I smiled.

"Oh! Look at the time, is it only 8? I am wide awake, let's start the day," Chris said.

I giggled and shooed him away. Justin was sitting quietly on the other side, looking up at the tv. He looked absolutely sweet. I'm talking rotting your teeth sweet. He must've felt me looking at him because he glanced at me and smiled. Excuse me while I gush. That smile! Had me weak in the knees for years and still never changed.

"Wanna play a game of Truth or Dare or something?" I asked all of a sudden. No idea why. The looks I got made me feel like an ass, though.

"No, that wasn't random at all," Justin cracked.

"Get bent. You see this traffic? If you think this is about to be a 15-minute ride, think again," I said.

"I'm in," Justin said.

"Me and Lance are going to thrash you all," Joey said.

"My dare's will possibly land you all in prison or the hospital, so I'm all for only truth," Chris chimed.

Everyone looked at JC. He lifted his head off my shoulder and looked around. "What are we, 14? Oh just count me in."

"Sweet, your first," I cooed. "Rules are, you have to divulge one truth. Cool?"

"Cool," JC answered.

"Name a time when you were unsure of yourself. You just didn't think you could do it," I said.

All of their eyes shot to each other and then back to JC. I could spend hours trying to figure out what they had just silently communicated with one another, but I honestly didn't want to know. I waited, JC's eyes sparkling in curiosity wanting to know what I was up to. He always thought I had an angle.....and sometimes, most of the time, he was right. This time, though, I was merely interested in killing time. There's always more to learn about people, even when you think you know them well.

"I don't even know where to begin, there's a few," JC said.

"Take your time," I said.

"Umm, when I was about 17. We were taping for MMC and there was this girl in the audience. We caught each others' eye for a second, but it felt like a lifetime. I saw her afterward, in the backlot and I was kinda scared to talk to her. It took me a while before I actually went. In the end, Dale pushed me," JC said.

I felt the icy barrier around my heart I'd worked years to perfect, begin it’s melting process. It seemed like JC was talking about the first time he and I met. But the way the others just looked at each other, I don't think it was. If that was the case, how could he be unsure about speaking to me? Back then he always drew the line between us and since I was a stranger, the line was drawn before he even spoke to me. I also didn't know Dale was involved and it wasn't only Justin like I thought. That would mean Justin never even knew JC was bringing me to meet him. Is it true that JC really played Cupid for Justin and I? Or is all of that a lie? I’m skeptical because, I obviously wasn’t the only girl on the backlot that day.

"Final answer?" I asked. He nodded, winking at me with a sweet smile on his face. I had so much to talk to JC about. "Great, that was a good answer. Uh, you next, doll."

Justin looked at me and shook his head. "Four days in NY and you already sound like you work at a diner."

I smiled and rolled my eyes. "Oh hurry up!"

"The rebel, I see. Okay, have you ever felt left out of anything? No matter how you tried, you didn't think you fit in?" Justin asked.

Too many to count.

"Back when we were kids, hanging out in Orlando. You, Jace, and Celeste. I always felt left out because I'm the youngest. All those times when Cel got to go see you guys, it sucked because I couldn't do the same," I replied.

"Zee, I'm only two weeks older than you are. I didn't know you felt that way, I thought we all had fun," Justin said.

"Yeah, how come you never said anything?" JC asked. They both were looking me with concerned facial expressions. I was simply too embarrassed to tell them.

"In terms of what we all talked about back then, two weeks was a lifetime between us," I said.

"We were kids, but I always thought you were the most mature out of all of us," Justin complimented. I smiled in appreciation. Still, a showbiz kid and a regular kid were very different. "Okay, you next Joey."

"How old were you when you think you first fell in love? And how did you know?" Joey asked Justin.

"I feel like it might've been 12." I noticed the quick glance he shot me, and my cheeks were on fire. But why? It was clear he was talking about Britney. "How did I know? I just felt different when I saw her, butterflies were an understatement. It may or may not have been actual love, but to me it felt more real than anything."

"Excuse me, I have something in my eye," Joey teased. Justin threw a pillow at him and Joe laughed. I think I actually did have something in my eye, but I kept it back.

"Me next," Chris mused. "Joey, what would YOU do for a Klondike bar?"

I giggled and shook my head. "Chris!"

"Okay, okay. Did you ever think you would be in the position you're in now?" Chris asked Joe.

"No. Not at all. I sure got lucky, though right? I knew music was who I am, but I didn't think it'd take me anywhere. I was only doing what I loved to do," Joey replied. "I'm always grateful for being given a shot to even be where I am.

"Awww, Joey!" Chris teased. Joey playfully brushed him away. "Lance, you're next."

"Okayyy. Is there a moment of your life where you were really ashamed of who you were?" Lance asked Chris.

"Oh yeah, tons. For the most part it was during my younger years. We barely made it through most days. And I hated the idea of having people at school know what my family was going through," Chris replied. "I'm happy that I can finally be in the position to provide for my mom and sisters."

Instead of this game being fun and gossipy like I expected, it turned into a moment of reflection. Maybe that's what they needed, a moment to reflect and in turn be that much more appreciative of where their lives have gone.

I could feel the bus slowing, which meant we were getting closer to the hotel. I nudged JC, it was his turn. I looked over at Lance who I, up until now, didn't notice had the most fearful look on his face. What could Lance be worried about, I don't think he'd be asked anything he
wouldn't be able to answer honestly.

"What made you finally decide to stay and be apart of the group?" JC asked Lance.

I saw a wave of relief wash over Lance's face, but not much. I had to talk to him one on one, even if he didn't tell me anything, I at least wanted to make sure he was alright.

"The first time we sang together. The feeling I got, it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. And most of all because I felt at home. I felt welcome."

The bus stopped and I immediately spoke up to kill the sweet, but necessary silence. "Okay, game over. See? Told you it'd take us forever to get here."

"Yep, you were right. You couldn't just let me sleep, though?" JC said. I smacked his arm and he laughed as I stood up and began to exit the bus.

I waited for everyone, and I noticed the crowd in front of the hotel. There were fans wanting to see the guys and I thought it was best if I disappeared.

"I'll see you later," I said. I turned to walk away and JC grabbed my hand, pulling me back.

"Don't leave, experience this moment with us," JC said.

"Why? They're not here to see me," I said.

"You're Justin's assistant, remember? Better go make sure his sharpie doesn't mess up," JC teased.

I made a face at him and stayed back, waiting for Justin to come off the bus. He walked out, holding a bag, and he smiled.

"You'll rue the day you called me your damn assistant," I smiled back.

Justin threw his arm across my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. “Aww, don't worry about it Zee, there are perks that come with being my assistant."

"Which would be?"

"You're MY assistant, you assist ME in what I need assisting. Like, for example, right now I would love to feel a body against mine. You can assist me with that," Justin joked.

I elbowed him in his side and he laughed. I released myself from his hold and followed through the crowd, while they stayed back signing autographs. That's what made them the greatest guys, they were very sweet to their fans. I stood by the elevator, waiting for the doors to open and I bobbed from left to right.

"From knowing full choreo to simple bobbing, you're quite the all-around dancer."

I turned around and politely smiled. It was Wade. I tried to make my meeting with him brief and sweet. But, only because I was super protective of Justin. I know Justin said he was still trying to find out if the rumors were for sure true, but I didn't want to take my eyes
off the culprit. Oh yeah, I was watching him.

"Why thank you." I stepped into the elevator and he followed suit. I pressed eight for my designated floor and ten for his.

"You're welcome," he smiled. I felt my cheeks burn.

Okay. I cannot tell a lie. Wade was pretty damn cute. But despite that, I was feeling like a traitor right now just by being in this elevator alone with him. I made small talk with him on our way up, and quickly exited the elevator. I skipped down the hall to my hotel room and opened the door. I saw my mom watching television as she was packing up her bags.

"Hey mom, make sure you steal the shampoo and conditioner, and a bathrobe," I said.

She laughed and shooed me away. I was serious, she'd better get me a damn bathrobe. I indulged in taking a relaxing shower, then went to pack up my things. I heard my cellphone ring and it was Lance. Hmm, just the person I was thinking of.

"Hey Lancey" I greeted.

"S-O-S," he said.

I stopped what I was doing and went into the bathroom, as not to disturb my mom. And so she wouldn't hear me.

"Lance, what's going on?" I asked.

"Bobbi's in the building. Just a heads up," he replied.

Fuck. I crossed my arms and leaned against the bathroom counter. "She's with JC right now?"

"Yeah, they just made it to his room."

"Thanks Lance, you're the best. Oh and while I've got you on the phone. Is there something bothering you?" I asked.

"Me? Nope, not at all. What makes you ask?"

"On the bus, you looked pale when it was your turn to speak a truth. You know I'm here to listen if you need it," I said.

I could feel Lance's uneasiness through the phone. "I know Zee, and I thank you. In due time, I'll tell you the truth."

2000: Makes Me SO Ill

You know what's weird? I didn't wake up thinking about being grateful for seeing the guys live in New York, I wasn't thinking about never making love to JC last night, I wasn't even thinking about Bobbi popping in and JC possibly having sex with her. All that was on my mind was Celeste and what she told me. Don't let JC be my first. What did Celeste know that she knew I wouldn't understand?

My mom had already took her head-start and was probably waiting for me in the truck. I was getting ready to pick up my bag when I heard the door open. I didn't even bother to turn around, it had to be my mom.

"Ma, what'd you forget, I'll grab it on my way out," I said.

"I forgot my beautiful, caring, and understanding daughter who I could see no one else with but JC."

I spun around, not only because my mom would never say that bullshit, but because that was the worst attempt at a female voice, ever. Of course it would be JC standing in my room, but why the attempt at the female voice? I won't ask.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked.

"I'm saying good-bye to you, I don't want to share it with everyone else," he replied.

Aww, he was so sweet. Sweet enough to rot your teeth. What was he up to? I know JC and JC's either hiding something or up to it.

"Your girlfriend's here, I don't want trouble. I want a peaceful trip out of New York, you'd better go," I said.

"About that, I had no idea she was coming," JC stated.

"It doesn't matter if you did or not, none of my business."

"I didn't have sex with her."

He didn't have sex with her. That's great, I guess. Still changes nothing.

"Why?" I asked. Why the hell am I asking?

"Besides me not wanting to, it didn't feel right. I couldn't stop thinking about you," he answered.

I half-smiled and went over to hug him. I kissed his cheek. "You're a sweetheart when you're not driving me totally insane."

"Gee, thanks," JC sarcastically remarked.

"Anyway, what's with the private good-bye?" I asked, keeping my fingers latched, behind his neck.

"Nothing. I told you I didn't wanna share," he replied.

I looked into his eyes, making faces while I searched for something that could reveal the truth. He chuckled at my silly faces. "You lie, what's up your sleeve?"

"Fine. You got me," he gave in.

"Spill it, home skillet."

"Would you like to stay two more days here?" he asked.

My eyes widened. "What? YES! Duh."

"Yeah, yeah, me so crazy. I already asked your mom for permission and she gave you the okay."

"I'm staying?"

"You're staying." I smiled and pulled his face to mine for another kiss. JC walked me backward toward my bed and we lost our balance, falling onto it.

"Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome. Okay. Now really thank me," he teased.

"Pig. Let's get out of here befo--"

"Joshua! Open this door, I know you're in there!"

Oh come on, Nature. I wasn't gonna indulge, why'd you have to bring trouble? Why? I pushed JC away from me and locked myself in the bathroom. I was feeling too good to deal with this unnecessary crap right now. Trust me, this lock is for her own safety, not mine.

"Where is she? I know you were in here with her," Bobbi said.

"Calm down, she's in the bathroom," JC said.

"Josh, I'm not stupid." Coulda fooled me. "You were in here alone with her."

"Doing what in the past, eight minutes?, I was gone?"

"Who knows, she seems to be attached to all of you guys, who knows what she could get done in a short amount of time," she snapped.

"Bitch!" I quickly covered my mouth. That wasn't supposed to come out, but MAN she's pushing her luck to the max right now.

"Look, chill out and don't start this mess here. I can't have you be here and interfere with my concentration because we're arguing all the time."

"Fine, I'll leave you alone for the rest of the tour. Have fun." I heard her stomp out of the room.

I opened the door and stood against the door frame. "She needs to sort out her priorities."

2000: Challenge For The Children

This trip to New York was soon becoming one of the best experiences I've ever had. Once Balloony left, JC, Lance, and I went out to lunch. The food was plain magnificent and so was my company. We all spent more time talking than we did eating. It was nice to be the odd person out for once. I mean, JC and Lance held most of conversation and I just sat back and listened. It was cute how insightful, yet completely dorky, they were.

After hanging out with JC and Lance, that night Justin, Joey, and Chris took me to Times Square. Beautiful was an understatement. I loved LA, it was my home, but if I ever decided to move, New York City would be my first choice. The lights, the sounds, the busy streets, it was comforting. We also headed over to a club, and snuck me and Justin in with very little hassle. I had lots of fun, I danced with the guys and snuck tiny sips of Joey and Chris' drinks. I don't need to describe dancing with Justin but it was definitely sexy. Too sexy. Hot and bothered was a complete understatement. I wasn't sure if it was the New York atmosphere, but Justin was the furthest thing from innocent the entire night.

I had the basketball in my hand dribbling between hands as I stopped on the side of the court and shot from the free throw line. I kept my hand dangled in the air, soaking up the swish of the net.

"Money!" I yelled, and quickly covered my mouth. I could be a total guy sometimes.

"You're such a show-off," I heard.

I turned and smiled as JC approached me. He was wearing his Daze uniform, looking plain delicious to me. Okay, a little tidbit about me, gorgeous men plus basketball uniforms equals a drooling Zahra. I threw the ball to him and he quickly caught it at the last minute.

"Show me what you got, then hotshot," I challenged.

"After you just took my whole head off throwing me the rock, are you nuts?" he joked.

I laughed and stole the ball from him, running down the court and throwing my body into position for a layup. After hearing the net swish once more, I playfully touched myself and made a sizzling noise.

"Jerk," JC laughed.

"I'll take that as a compliment." I was getting ready to take the ball to the hole again, when something hit me. JC and I had to talk. Of course not right now, but I wanted to throw it out there. Leave it up to either of us, and things would go unsaid until one of us goes and snaps. "Josh, can we talk later?" I asked.

"Game doesn't start for another fifteen minutes, we can talk now if you want," he replied.

"No, no, I'd rather do it later so we can have some privacy," I said.

"Whatever you want," he sweetly smiled. I went to go sit in my seat, right on the floor, and watched as JC and Joey spoke to each other.

I couldn't stop thinking about our first time. I don't regret it, but I can't stop thinking about Celeste, which makes me feel like I should regret it. I also couldn't stop thinking about what JC said on the bus. If he really played Cupid for Justin and I, why would he do so when he clearly was interested in me? Why is he still pursuing me? What's all this jealousy and competition for? Was him loving me just a part of a larger puzzle piece I was unaware of?

The game was such a fun watch, it was exciting and hilarious all wrapped up into one. I tried not to let my thoughts interfere with everything, but I couldn't help it. I found myself staring at JC and Justin interchangeably for such a long time, the water was clouding my eyes from not blinking. I was beginning to let myself think that Justin and JC were both playing me. That it was their plan, and all I did was help them perfect it.

No, I'm being paranoid.

I wiped the pools of water that was held, from my eyes and tried to make it seem as if I wasn't crying. The one time I'm NOT crying, it looks like I'm having a sob fest in the middle of the guys' charity game. I quickly wiped my face and threw myself back into focusing solely on the game. I had to talk to JC.

2000: Sinking Before Sailing

After hanging around at the press meeting, and introducing myself to some of the celebrities who participated at the event, I found a spot to sit and wait for the guys until they were done. I had never really understood what all they had to do at these type of events. I wasn't even actively involved and I'm just about ready to go to sleep.

"Hey gorgeous, why are you alone?" I looked up and it was Joey beaming down at me. I smiled. There was something about his smile, it was warm and sweet. He himself spewed out such an exuberance.

"Hey Joe. I'm just sitting and waiting for you guys, that's all," I replied.

Joey sat down, taking the seat next to me. "Is everything alright?" he asked, the hint of concern in his voice made me feel special. He actually cared.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright," I replied.

Joey nudged me gently. "Come on, Zee, let's go for a walk."

I looked up and decided to follow suit. I let Joey walk me away from all the commotion to somewhere so quiet a pin could drop and we'd hear it. It's obvious he didn't believe my answer, he feels like I'm not alright. But there isn't. Well, besides the whole truth-tour bus
thing, and then Celeste's words about JC. Okay, so there might be something wrong.

"Talk to me," Joey finally said.

"There's nothing to say."

"Then, I'll talk to you," Joey said. I kicked around a rock with the tip of my shoe, and kept my head down. "That night on the bus, I noticed you."

Wuh-oh. "Noticed me, what?" I asked.

"I know we briefly talked about you and JC, but I didn't think there was still a you and Justin," he responded.

I stopped dead in my tracks and shot my eyes up to him. I didn't like where this conversation was heading. I should have just pretended to be happy go lucky. What do I tell him? Do I tell him the truth? It IS Joey, and he's the only one who seems to be in the dark about what's
going on between Justin, JC, and I. Lance knows and Chris knows. Though, I have NO idea how Chris knows anything because I never said a word to him. Am I starting to be more publicly obvious about the super fucked up isosceles love triangle I somehow became the master of?

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Zee, you'd have to be blind and absolutely deaf not to know that Justin was talking about you. You guys can be oblivious all you want, but the rest of us aren't stupid," Joey replied.

I nervously rubbed my hands together. Why was I nervous? It was only Joey. I don't know, maybe it was because I knew he would keep it real with me. Not saying Lance or Chris wouldn't, but they've never really talked to me about it. Not in depth, at least.

"I don't know what to say."

"How come you didn't mention that you and Justin were back "on"?" he asked.

"Meaning?"

"I knew you guys were into each other, but I thought that when Brit was in the picture, you guys stopped having feelings for one another. I had no idea something was still there. I don't know how I missed it because the tension between you guys is noteworthy," Joey explained.

"I've always had a special place for Justin in my heart. I'll admit that I didn't want anything to do with him when I found out he was with Britney, because I was hurt. I think that's why I let myself fall deep into JC."

"How deep?" Joey asked.

I was battling inside my mind. I was scared to tell Joey the truth, and everything that was on my mind because in the process, I'd have to tell myself the truth. Again. I'm finding I always need to tell myself something.

"Too deep."

"JC's my best friend, my brother, I'd kick anyone's ass in the world for him. That being said, he's been with Bobbi for almost four years and you've been like the tag-along. Why do you let him do that?"

I've been asking myself that for years and I don't know. Simply hearing and registering what he said, was like a slap in the face. It stung. It stung terribly bad. I let the tears I felt welling up, burn my eyes.

"I've also noticed that you don't seem to indulge Justin as much as you indulge in JC. You're respectful of Justin's relationship, but not JC's. Why do you play favorites interchangably, if it seems the feelings you have for them, are equal? Perhaps maybe you love JC more?"

The mother of all questions. Yet, I couldn't answer it for the life of me. I couldn't answer anything. I don't know why I did any of the things I did. Not consciously, at least. The question stumped me to no end. My mind drew nothing but blanks.

"Do you think I do?" I asked.

"Yes, if you've been doing this back and forth thing with him for so long. I don't think you like Justin as much as you think."

"That's not true, I love Justin. I just don't love him the same way I love JC. It's not possible, since they're not exactly the same. No better, no worse, just different," I explained. Or at least tried to.

"As your friend, I'm scared for you, Zee. I have such a bad feeling about all of this. I can't speak for what could happen with you and Justin, but I know what can happen with JC."

"Joe I've tried to stop this thing between JC and I, too many times to count. Every time I do, it comes back stronger and more intense. This time, it was the most intense."

Joey's eyes looked at me in confusion at first, and immediately widened, signaling he understood. I could see that he was very disappointed in me, and I started to feel horrible.

"You didn't.”

"I know, okay. I try to control my feelings and I lose it. JC's been in my life for a long time, and he's done for me what no one else has."

"I'm sure that's true, he's a great friend. But he's also done TO you, what no one else has. You think you're the more vulnerable one, but you're not. JC is terrified of you and what you could signify in his life. When a man's scared, the possibilities of what he can do to
feel safe again, are endless. Keep that in mind."

---------
Those last words from Joey replayed in my mind all night. I came to my room shortly after our talk and I wouldn't come out. I couldn't sleep at all. I didn't answer any calls, I didn't open the door. I just wanted to get as far away from everyone as I could possibly get. I never missed home so much.

A hard knock at the door caused me to jump. I glanced over at the clock, the only source of light in my room being used, 11:48 PM. I got up, knowing that it had to be room service finally coming up with my order. I didn't even bother to check the peephole, I just opened the door. To my shock and utter surprise, it wasn't room service. It was Justin. He smiled and I just couldn't turn him away. I wasn't mad at him or anyone else for that matter, I just couldn't be good company being in my current mind-state.

I closed the door behind him and fumbled to find a lamp to switch on. I went to sit back in my comfortable armchair while Justin took comfort in my bed. He was wearing a North Carolina Tarheels t-shirt, and flannel pajama pants with socks and Jordan flip flops. His curly hair bounced as he kicked off his flip flops and sprawled on my bed.

"Can I tell you something?" Justin asked. I nodded, still not wanting to speak yet. "You've been in New York for basically a week now and besides that one night we spent hanging out, I haven't even had a single conversation alone with you."

I glanced up at him, giving him a baffled look. I wasn't sure where he was going with this. He read my look, and when he knew I wasn't going to speak, he proceeded.

"We're growing apart, don’t you think? I've only spent one night with you, and it wasn't even just you and I. I know this Montez tool keeps you occupied, bu--"

"Justin," I quickly spoke up.

"I shouldn't have said that, sorry. It's just, I have to fight for your attention these days. I know that because I've been rollercoaster riding with Brit and I haven't been able to talk to you a lot, it kills our friendship. But, I do miss you, Zee."

"Stop." I had to stop him. He was going on and on and if I didn't stop him, he'd never stop. "You're right, we haven't been spending any time together or talking much. It's not just your fault, it's mine, too. I'm sorry I haven't really been a good friend."

"I'm sorry I haven't been, too.” Justin's eyes shifted and he licked his lips. “Should we make it up to each other?"

"How?" Make it up to each other. Not slick.

"Come over here and make me feel good," he said, his tone dropping down a few notches, sending shivers down my spine.

"You're vulnerable," I said.

"So are you," he shot.

Touché.

"You have a girlfriend."

"You have a Montez," he rolled his eyes.

"I'm not gonna stop you if I get really turned on," I told him honestly.

"Neither will I," he said.

Were we going to do this all night? Justin stood up and walked over to where I was sitting. His eyes were something I'd never seen on his face before. They were seducing me, I could feel myself being seduced. Justin dropped to his knees and positioned himself between my thighs. My best bet was to not panic or show emotion. I kept myself perfectly calm as his large, strong hands rubbed up my thighs and squeezed them softly. He knew I was ticklish there and I had to keep myself from leaping ten feet into the air. He leaned his face close to mine, pulling me deeper into his gaze. It was like hypnosis. Feeling like I was losing control, I quickly thought of something to say.

"You'll be cheating on her."

"She already cheated on me," he said brushing his lips past mine.

"You don't know that for sure."

"What are you so worried about? Stop being so logical and let go for once. Let's just feel god," he whispered.

"It won't change anything," I whispered back.

Justin let out an annoyed sigh. "Why do you have to care so much about me?"

"Because you're not wanting to do this for the right reasons and I wouldn't be, either."

Justin stood up and went to throw himself on my bed, laying flat on his back, and staring at the ceiling. Okay. So, I can't bring myself to let Justin go through with being unfaithful. Joey could be right, except, I won't let Justin do it because I don't want things with him to be like
they are with JC. We, JC and I, had the most dysfunctional type of relationship. Why would I want that twice?

"I'm not sexually frustrated. If I wanted to, I could walk out the door and girls would fall at my feet. Literally. But I don't want that. I want you. You know I always have."

I got up and went to go make myself comfortable next to him. I placed my head on his arm, his head turned to look at me. God, those beautiful eyes were still seducing me, without even trying.

"I know. Anything can happen when the moment permits," I said. Besides the reasoning I just mentioned, why wasn't it this easy to say no to JC? Why has it NEVER been easy to say no to JC?

"Anything?" he asked.

I pressed my lips against his ear. "Anything," I whispered. I felt his body shudder in response. He groaned a bit and quickly jumped up.

"You're making it worse. I think I'd better go before you ignite a fire, you'll end up putting out."

I smiled. "Fine. Remember what I said," I reminded.

"I won't be able to forget it." Justin opened the door and stopped before leaving. "I know you mean well. Thank you, Zahra."

You're welcome. If only he could help me put up the resistance against JC. If only. I just fought like hell against my hormones and Justin's, but I'm starting to feel like the reason why I was fighting, didn't exist anymore. JC and I existing together, with each other, in this
lifetime? I don't think it'll ever happen.

2000: Home Sweet Insanity

Home had never been greater. Instead of playing the role of being Chris' "girlfriend", I've actually been getting to know him real well. We would be starting the Fall semester soon and I'm dying to hear about Puerto Rico. I'd only tell him about New York if he asked. Speaking of NY, JC and I never had our talk. I backed out of it. It wasn't a good idea for me to leave on the worst of terms with him. It would be best for me to sort out my own thoughts before I went and tried to communicate what I couldn't guarantee.

After rolling around in my bed and soaking up the comfort of my beloved room, I went downstairs to the living room and switched on the television. I was just getting comfortable when the phone started ringing.

"Craaaap," I said as I got up to get it. "Hello?"

"Turn on your tv." Celeste demanded.

"Oh hey Celeste, how nice of you to call," I sarcastically replied.

"Turn on the tv!" she exclaimed.

"It's on, geez."

"MTV, hurry."

I changed the channel and saw Justin on the screen. Oh no, did that thing with Britney being unfaithful get out? I had no idea what Cel wanted to me to see, but all I saw was Justin and I figured that'd be the problem. I was beginning to get worried. It's never a good sign when they show someone's picture on the news. Even if it is MTV.

"Why do they keep showing a picture of Justin walking out of a hotel room?"

"Keep watching," Celeste said.

I did as she said and listened to what was going on. Apparently, Justin was caught coming out of some mystery woman's hotel room a few days ago. There's people in other countries starving, but the world is worried about Justin Timberlake coming out of a hotel r...wait a minute.

"OH MY GOD!!"

My face was in complete shock as things began to register in my mind. That was MY hotel room they caught him coming out of. I'm the mystery woman! They think Justin was sneaking around with another woman. With me! SHIT.

"Zee?" Celeste called out.

"Huh? Cel, this is bad."

"Yes, very bad. What the hell was he doing in someone's hotel room?" she asked.

"It wasn't just 'someone', it was my hotel room," I replied.

"Oh no, please tell me you didn't sleep together."

"No, no, it's nothing bad. We were only talking. He did want more, but he was too vulnerable and I couldn't do it."

"I wonder if the guys have seen this yet. You know Bobbi's gonna go all out with this. She's probably doing so much damage to JC's thought process right now," she commented.

I forgot all about JC and his psycho squeeze. I wouldn't put it past her if he was that much further away from ending it with her, now. Holy shit, I go to New York and end up creating NSYNC gossip. Had we actually been sneaking around, having sex, I wouldn't be so shocked at the pictures surfacing and the media finding out. But we weren't. And we didn't.

"Don't remind me. He's gonna go berserk since we had s —" I stopped myself.

Oh yeah, I didn't tell Celeste that. Yet.

"You WHAT?!"

I pulled the phone away from my ear. Yep, Arizona definitely couldn't take the Bronx out of that one. "Calm down."

"Why? Why when I told you no?" she asked.

"You never told me why you told me no!" I cried.

"I told you no because you were going to get your heart broken. After dealing with Bobbi and all they've been through together, he can't possibly give you what you think he can. Zahra, he's gonna run away."

"Why would he tell me he loves me if he's gonna run?"

"Because he can have something real and meaningful with you and I think it scares him. Not to mention, the fact that he's into someone he's known since she was young, completely messes with his mind."

"I've gotta go."

"Hey, talk to me." There was plead and concern in her voice, but I didn't want to talk to her. Nothing she could say could fix what she just told me. Josh was gonna run from me? What did that even mean? He runs from me now.

"I have to go."

I hung up the phone. I was now at the point where this situation was now a big mess. It was to the point where I couldn't even attempt to clean it up. Everyone's telling me what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to feel, and what I should be thinking about. I haven't even taken a chance to breathe and really sort out my true feelings for this entire thing.

What DO I truly feel? Who do I really feel it for?

It's been awhile. A long while. About seven or eight months. I didn't block or force anyone or music genre's out of my life. I simply lived my life. I spent most of my time at school, doing classes and working at the bookstore. I got back into playing the piano, I took up a few clubs, and I volunteered. Between hanging out with Chris and a visiting Celeste, who was in the process of moving to LA, I kept pretty busy. I was surprised to find out just how well I could live my own life and still keep in touch with my, now globally famous, friends. Well, most of them, that is. I know I kept myself so busy because I didn't want to think about anyone named or sounding like, JC.

Sometimes it worked. Most times it didnt.

Justin and I spoke to each other frequently. Though we were now both twenty, it felt like we were teens all over again. He was the only person who I would be on the phone with back in those days. The feeling was great since we did let ourselves grow apart for awhile. It was nice to come back together and build a stronger bond. I hadn't seen Justin in flesh and bone for such a long time, all I had were magazines and television to remind me of how he looked. It seemed the guys were all going through hair changes again. You can only imagine my face when I saw that Justin was no longer my Curly anymore. That was one phone call I'm sure he wished he never answered.

The whole mystery woman thing died down eventually. But, oh not with some crazy stories to go down with it. I personally called Britney, and explained to her that nothing had occurred. Did I have to do that considering what Justin's suspicions were? Nope. Why did I? Because as much as I loved Justin, I genuinely wanted what he'd been hearing to be false. I don't know a person who'd want their friend to have a broken heart. Justin merely mentioned in a print interview, that the
hotel room belonged to a family friend and her mother, the other guys vouched for him. Even JC.

JC.

I hadn't spoken to him since Challenge For The Children. Last year. I didn't blame him for not wanting to speak to me. Lord only knows what Bobbi told him to make him believe Justin and I were having an affair. Though, seeing as how he's still WITH Bobbi, it was none of his concern who I chose to spend my time with. I didn't extend the phone-line to talk to JC, either. Still, ignoring each other only makes seeing each other that much more difficult. We're obviously too stubborn to care, though.

I had things I was still working on sorting out. I wanted to rebuild myself before I encountered JC again. Never did it cross my mind that finally "being" with him would make me feel so low. I almost started to feel like JC didn't understand or feel what I did, the way Justin did. I was close to believing that five years apart really was a lifetime.

2001: Lying is AWESOME, until you get caught

"You have to."

"No way, Justin."

"Zahra, I am not asking you. You're coming, end of discussion."

I let out an annoyed sigh and smacked my hands down into the mattress. He's such a bossy dictator sometimes. "This isn't fair."

"You know how many fans would kill to come to ONE our studio sessions? You're being invited to TWO and saying it's unfair. I want you to come, and you will."

"Yes, Daddy," I sneered.

"What YOU don't know is that I quite enjoyed being called that just now," he joked.

I scoffed and laughed. "Fine, I'll come with you, okay?"

"I know you are, I already said it," he responded.

"You can't just pick me up and throw me over your shoulders to make me go you know," I said.

"Yes, I can, and I will do it if I have to, don't let me resort to it," he warned.

"Ughhhhh! You're treating me like I'm a child!"

"Hey, hey, don't make me call your mother," he played along.

I snickered. "Whatever. When are you guys flying in?" I asked.

"Pretty late, around 2 am," he replied.

"I'll be there."

"We'll have a truck there, but I think it'll be okay if I ride with you. Are you sure you even wanna be out that late?" he asked.

"Trust me, I won't be sleeping. Every time you tell me you're on an airplane, I worry myself into a fit."

"That's exactly why I would never tell you and you'd be surprised when we popped up. Anyway, we're about to board. I'll call you when we land."

"Alright, bye J. Have a safe flight, give everyone my love."

"Will do, bye."

I hung up my cellphone and took my television off mute. I was watching a marathon of Disney movies on HBO. I couldn't envision a better way to kill time while I waited for that call. I took a few deep breaths and assured myself they would be fine.

I don't know why I volunteered to even go to the airport. It would be my first time seeing them in months, and I was nervous to see JC. I was hoping I could just stay in my car, but I wanted to see the rest of the guys, too. We had some catching up of our own to do. I couldn't let whatever animosity JC and I had interfere with the flow of things. Although, I'm pretty sure someone had to notice we weren't speaking to one another.

JC was also the reason why I didn't want to go to the studio. It'd just be him, Chris, and Justin because I think Joey and Lance were filming for a movie or something. Which, them being gone would make things even more uncomfortable, I'm almost sure Chris and J were gonna go off and wreak havoc when they got a break, leaving me and JC alone. Whether I went to the airport or to the studio, I couldn't evade JC any longer. I had to face him and I think I'm finally ready to. Maybe things won't be as bad as I think they will be.

A few hours later.....

I shot up from the couch as I heard my phone go off. I quickly rubbed my eyes and sat up straight before grabbing my phone.

"Yeah," I answered.

"We've landed and we're safe," Justin said.

"Sweet, I'm on my way."

I ran upstairs to put on a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of sneakers. I stopped in the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. My hair was already down, so I simply combed it out, then headed out the door. I didn't care that I was wearing pajama pants, mostly because I knew the guys wouldn't care.

I could feel my nerves rise as I neared closer to LAX. I pulled into the parking structure and and shut off my car. Before leaving to cross the street into the airport, I took a few deep breaths, swishing my bangs out of my face. Okay. I can do this. I've done this before. I
am woman. I felt my knees get wobbly once I was on the other side of the double doors.

I saw a tall figure approaching me and I could feel my emotions coming to the surface. What can I say? It's been months. I knew it was Justin, because I could spot that smile anywhere. Once he was standing right in front of me, my jaw dropped wide open. No really, my jaw was wide open. He looked beautiful and gorgeous at the same time.

"Are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna hug me?" Justin smiled.

Instant puddle of goo, I was. I threw my arms up around his neck and he lifted me into the air, hugging me tightly. Oh my GOD, those arms. He was so tall and handsome, all toned with muscles. He even had a little goatee. No longer was he my sweet, innocent Justin, but a man. Who was in this body? Damn.

I ran my fingers over his shortened hair cut while pulling away from his embrace. "Wow, I can't even believe this is who I'm looking at. Are you SURE you're Justin Timberlake?"

He playfully rolled his eyes. "Of course, are you sure you're Zahra Camden?"

I pursed my lips, shooting him a sideways glance. "Don't play, I'm in my pajamas. I look like a total train-wreck."

"I beg to differ," I heard behind Justin. I leaned over to my left and saw that the rest of the posse had caught up. I gave my hugs to Joey, Chris, and Lance, but I hadn't seen JC. Before I could even turn to ask:

"Yo, where's C?" Justin asked Chris.

"I dunno, probably still getting his bag," Chris replied.

"Nah, there he is, he's coming," Joey said.

I watched from behind Joey as JC came closer to us. I simply stood there, feeling all the nerves I had bomb me at once. JC now, was a complete 360 from the JC I last saw. His hair was a little longer, and straightened out with blonde highlights. He was sporting a strip goatee, and he looked like he packed on some toned muscles to that slender frame of his. I watched as his electric blue eyes wandered while he was nearing the distance between himself and us. JC's eyes eventually settled onto mine; it was hard to read his expression. Maybe it was shock. I don't think he was expecting to see me at all.

"Hi," JC said to me.

Ah. So I was right, he wasn't expecting to see me. It was crystal clear he wasn't happy about it, either. "Hi. Justin, let's go, please."

"Oh whoa, where's HE going?" Chris asked.

"I'm riding with Zee, you wanna come?" Justin asked.

"Uh YEAH, duh. Smell you later, dorks," Chris said to the others.

I saw a mixture of confusion, anger, and hurt on JC's face. But I was more focused on wanting to get out of here. I damn near ran out of the airport. I didn't want any type of awkward, negative energy to follow me. JC had every intention of making sure everyone knew he had a vendetta against me. Whatever. As far as I'm concerned, I did nothing to him. Justin and I have never slept together, and really only came close ONCE. How many close calls have I had with JC? Enough for me not to mention it at all. Especially since during those times he was someone else's boyfriend. My mistake.

"What was that about?" Chris asked me once we were all packed and ready in the Jeep.

"What was what about?" I asked.

"You and JC," he replied.

"I don't know, nothing."

"Bullshit," Justin chimed in.

"Um, you stay in the passenger seat, this is between me and the backseat," I said.

"Shut up," Justin smiled. "No one's blind. It's obvious JC is still upset about the hotel room thing. How many more times can I say nothing happened? Did I look like I just had sex or something?"

"So he's mad at you, too?" I asked. I purposely ignored the latter of his statement. Those words alone were too much to deal with in one car trip.

"He's mad at everybody," Chris sighed. “I thought asked you to fix things."

Shut up, Chris! I know that triggered an alarm that was going off in Justin's head right about now. He was going to start asking questions and questions led to the truth. I can't lie if I have to tell the truth, CHRIS.

"Shh!," I said sternly. Maybe it slipped past Justin's radar. I hope it did.

"Wait, what'd you tell her to fix?" Justin questioned.

Okay, so it didn't. I should hope for a million dollars, because it's apparent if I hope for it NOT to happen, it does anyway. Oh this is going to be grand.

"Nothing," I answered.

"Hell nah, stop with the secrets guys, come on," Justin said, switching between looking at me, then Chris.

"Okay, look," Chris began.

"Chris, don't you dare," I warned.

"Tell me, Chris," Justin said.

"Justin, stop it," I said.

"What? Why can't he tell me? Since when have you two been so buddy-buddy enough to share secrets?" Justin asked. Dude, if he only knew about me and Joey or me and Lance. We're definitely buddy-buddy enough.

"He can't tell you because it's none of your business!" I replied.

"Chris, tell me or I'm reaching into my box of Kirkpatrick secrets and sharing."

"You. Wouldn't," Chris said.

"I. Would."

Chris groaned. At that moment, I knew my secret about Montez, was going to eventually make its' way out. Whether I wanted it to or not. Lying was bad, but why did it have to slap ME in the face. I lied for a good reason. At least that's what I thought.

"Sorry Zee," Chris apologized. "When we were leaving Orlando after tour rehearsals, I asked her to fix things so you and JC wouldn’t be mad at each other."

"What are you talking about, JC and I weren’t mad at each other," Justin defended.

"Are you serious? For like two or three days during the last week of rehearsals, you guys wouldn't even look at each other onstage," Chris said.

"Oh yeahhh. Hold up, wait. That wasn't because of Zee. At least not entirely."

"What?" Chris and I asked.

"I told JC to do something about his girlfriend hanging around and causing trouble. I told him not to ask her back because she and Zahra already had problems. I didn't say those words exactly, but that's what I meant. He took it the wrong way and we got into an argument," Justin explained.

"Ohhhh," Chris and I said.

Hey! That means I have a fake boyfriend for absolutely no reason. Well it's not like any of them gave a flying fuck or two about me being with Montez, anyway. They each made that clear in New York. Very clear.

"All of you guys thought we were mad at each other because of Zee? No, not all. Well now, he's mad at me because of Zee," Justin explained. JC sure made THAT clear this time. "I don't know why JC would be jealous anyway, it's obvious who the favorite is," he remarked.

I shot my head in his direction, ready to ask him what he meant by that, and then I didn't. Chris was present and I didn't want to have "that" conversation at the moment. I could tell by the way he uttered his last sentence he tapped into a jealousy of his own. The silence was going for fatal awkwardness. I began to reach for the radio...

"I don't think that's true, J. You guys have all been friends for a long time, she has a different relationship with you, just like you
have different one with JC than you have with her. It's not better or worse, just different."

Saved by the Chris. He redeemed himself that quickly? He also explained it the way I saw it in my head. Making me feel a lot less crazy. Wow, gotta love that guy.

"I guess you're right, Chris," Justin said. Yes, he was right. "But still, how'd you fix things?"

Seriously? Face. Palm. Even Chris didn't know how I fixed things. No one knew, especially not the person involved, Montez.

"I didn't." Back to the lie.

"You're a liar, and a bad one. Geez, at least if you're gonna lie, at le-- OH! You lied!" Justin shouted.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"You lied to us about having a boyfriend, didn't you?"

"No! Not exactly?" I shrugged.

"I can't believe you! How could you lie about having a boyfriend? Does this Chris Montez guy even exist?" he asked.

"Yeah, he exists, just not as my boyfriend. We are really great friends, though," I explained.

"Why did you say that then? Why'd you lie?"

"Chris told me about you guys at rehearsals. I didn't want to be the reason for your friendship being ruined. I wanted to make everything better. I thought that if you guys knew I was seeing someone, you wouldn't have the thought wrapped in your head that I was with the other," I told him.

"That obviously didn't work," Chris said.

Pfft. You have NO idea, Chris.

"All this could end very simply Zee. Just make a choice. Decide who it is you truly want," Justin said.

You have no idea, Justin.

2001: How To Solve Conflict

I woke up to a buzzing alarm. I wasn't a happy camper. Sleep was ridiculous, I tossed and turned all night. To be honest, I had no idea why my alarm was even set, it's Friday and I never have classes on Fridays. I'd love to give this magnificent reason for why I couldn't sleep, such as Justin and Chris knowing I don't have a boyfriend, or finding out that Justin feels JC is my favorite. But, unfortunately, my only reason for no sleep was JC. It wasn't anything positive, either. He really hurt my feelings last night.

I really tried to understand why my alarm was set, and especially set for 12:30 PM. OH, the studio. Wow, I'm gonna need to get some cold water on my face, I'm very delirious. Without hesitation, I stripped off my clothes and walked into my bathroom to get in the shower. I spent as much time as I could sleeping standing up, before finally being completely awake.

Wait, that's not the truth. As I was walking back to my room, my eyes kept snapping close. It wasn't smart, but I went "Weekend at Bernie's" as I walked into my room. Screw the studio, I'm going back to sleep. There was no point in going where I wasn't welcomed by everyone who would be there.

"Nice towel."

Am I dreaming or did I hear Justin? I opened my eyes, knowing I had to be crazy. I was ready to drop my towel until the reflection in my mirror scared me half to death.

"AHHHHH!" I screamed. "What the hell?!" I walked over to him and slapped his thigh.

"Ouch! I said nice towel!" he laughed.

"What are you doing here, how'd you get in? You can't be sneaking in through my window, you criminal," I laughed.

Justin made a face at me and flipped me off. "JC let us in."

"Oh, so you're talking, now?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah. Now, he's just mad at you," he joked.

"He can keep being mad, I'll have the locks changed. Why does he still have a key anyway?"

Justin looked up and snickered. Um, what's funny? Did I miss my glorious punchline? I was serious. If JC was so high and mighty, he could at least give back the keys to my house.

"Because your mom said I could keep it."

I turned around, rolling my eyes in the process. Speaking of high and mighty, look, it's King Joshua. All petty and unworthy servants, locksmiths, and merchants, bow down to hail thee. I was definitely not in the mood for JC and his drooling eyes right now.

"Am I not allowed to have privacy in my own room, now? Everybody get out."

"Bu--," Justin began.

"Out! Get your butt out!" I said.

"I see a nipple!" Justin shouted as I slammed my door shut. I heard Justin cackling down the stairs. What a liar, he didn't see anything.

I took my slow time putting on my clothes: a mini t-shirt, dark blue jeans, and a pair of Jordans. What was JC even doing here? I walked down the stairs and made my way to the kitchen. Justin and JC were sitting around the counter, eating and talking. Oh?

"So you're eating my food, too? How sweet of you," I quipped.

"Zee," Justin began. I saw the tight-lipped look on his face and rolled my eyes. Sorry, I'm not walking on eggshells for JC after months of being ignored.

"What?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Chill, that's what," he snapped.

I scoffed and swatted him away. Now he's siding with JC? Is everyone forgetting who the culprit in all this is? I picked up the bag of chips that were laid on the countertop, and began to snack.

"You don't have to tell her to chill. If Zahra has something to say to me, she can say it. Whatever," JC spoke up.

My fuse was officially blown to bits.

"Oh really? Is that so? Great, let's talk about why you've been acting like such a god damn dick for the past couple of months. You waltz into MY house after ignoring me and blatantly giving me the finger in front of everyone last night? Fuck you, JC."

The looks on both JC and Justin's faces were filled with surprise. Yeah. I said it. That's right. I had so much anger toward JC that I let sit inside me and marinate for far too long. I was through with it.

"Fuck me? Okay," JC said.

"Yes, fuck you. And I can guarantee you that if I WAS sleeping with Justin in New York, he wouldn't have left my hotel room at all. Oh yeah I'm sorry, I'm only allowed to be the side girlfriend to you and Botchy, my bad."

"Zah-- wait really?" Justin said mid-sentence.

"Shut up," I said. He pouted his lips and stuffed a chip into his mouth.

"Know what Zahra? You're full of shit. You prance around like the innocent angel, when YOU'RE the one playing with me and Justin. Don't act like you're all mature and crap, when you can't even tell us the truth about having a boyfriend. Some friend you are."

I immediately shot Justin a death glare and he looked away. He's dead. SO dead. "I did that for you. For BOTH of you."

"Yes, because you're so fucking arrogant, you'd automatically assume that if me and Justin aren't speaking, it's because of you," he spat.

"Arrogant? You're the one that's completely selfish. Everything is about you. How long have you been screwing with my emotions?" I was about tear JC a new asshole, and I'm only getting warmed up.

"Alright, that's it. Stop it," Justin said. "I'm only gonna say this once. Both of you get your shit together. We're about to go to this studio and I'm ready to work. I do not wanna hear this when we're there. Sit on opposite sides of the room for all I care, just leave it all at the door. Got it?"

Unwillingly JC nodded, and Justin looked over at me.

"I'm not going," I said.

"Don't make me resort to what I said I would," Justin warned.

I rolled my eyes, standing up. "Whatever."

If it wasn't for those boyish good looks and nicely sculpted muscles, I'd kick Justin right in
his left shin.

2001: Stuck In A Mental Trap

I got into the backseat of JC's car, sitting behind Justin. I wanted a clear shot of the side of his face in case he decided to get mouthy again. Why would JC even think I would sleep with Justin after such a romantic morning together? Is he finally realizing that we're not a
couple and never have been? I'm at liberty to do what I want with whomever I want. But I don't. Justin and I could have done any and everything. But we haven't. For some stupid reason, I feel like I'm indebted to JC. Like I owe him that much because I've been tip-toeing around his relationship, causing trouble. Thing is, I wasn't even the one who started all this. Recall who made the first move.

The car slowed and came to a stop. Without hesitation, I got out of the car and closed the door. I waited for Justin to get out, then followed closely behind him. As we approached the next door, JC walked in and the door closed, Justin stopped walking. I bumped into his back, because I wasn't even paying attention. I was thinking of what JC said about me. Do I really act like that? I didn't even think Justin and JC's spat was because of me, Chris was the one who told me it was.

"Ow, sorry," I apologized. By this time, he was already turned, facing me, leaning against the door frame. "What's the matter?"

He stood quietly, studying me. His blue eyes were on mine, and I couldn't hold his gaze for more than ten seconds. My eyes were all over him, but not his face. I saw his fingers reach toward me, and onto my chin. Gently, Justin brought my gaze up to meet his. I had no idea what was going on. I was more confused when he pulled me into his body and hugged me. It felt almost relaxing being against Justin's body. I could feel my arms wrap around his torso and tightly hug him back. It felt like an eternity before we finally released each other.

"I needed that," I said.

"I know," Justin sweetly smiled.

"Thank you. I think it's time we gave each other new nicknames."

"You're welcome. I agree. Any ideas?"

"Doll, I loved hearing myself say it with a New York accent," I
chuckled.

"Then, Sugar with a southern drawl is my retaliation," Justin laughed.

"Deal. Come on, let's go in there and make the best of today's session."

"After you, sugar."

I walked through the door, all smiles until my face fell onto JC's. All the blood began to speed through my veins. Was it anger, or was it those feelings for JC I just couldn't help? I saw the long lounge chair placed against the wall and I went to go make myself comfortable. I needed to calm myself down.

"'Sup Zahra," Chris greeted.

"What-up, dude," I greeted back.

"Alright, let's lay down these vocals. Jace, play the track," Justin said.

What sounded like the dream piano setting on a keyboard began to play throughout the studio. The song was smooth and it caressed my ears. I couldn't imagine the lyrics that were written for it because it was already beautiful on its' own. JC turned it off, mid-way and signaled for Justin to go in the booth. I made a funny face at him when he was inside, and he grinned back.

"A'ight J, first verse," JC said. Justin nodded.

I sat back quietly and waited for JC to play the track again.

I just don't understand
Why you're runnin' from a good man, baby
Why you wanna turn your back on love
Why you've already given up
See, I know you've been hurt before
But I swear I'll give you so much more

I swear I'll never let you down
Cause I swear it's you that I adore
And I give you myself babe
Cause I think about you constantly
And my heart gets no rest over you

"Stop right there. You wanna go back over and do anything or do you wanna wait?" JC asked.

I smiled at Justin and mimicked wiping my eyes. It was exceptionally easy to appreciate Justin's voice once you realized that no one could sing his part in an *NSYNC song and do it like he does. Justin held his smile together, waiting for JC to finish listening to the playback.

"Do yours and then we can go back over," Justin replied as he took the headphones off his ears and placed them back in the stand. Him and JC switched spots. This was going to suck. Mostly because my body couldn't help reacting when JC sang. He would be the only one to see me through the glass since Chris and J's backs were facing me, that is if he looked my way.

"Ready?" Chris asked. JC nodded. The song played again.

I figured they'd wait to do the chorus until Joey and Lance were present. I guess that's why I was invited to another session. Why Justin would wanna bring me to the studio? No idea, but there had to be a reason. There's always a reason.

I'll be taking up your time
Till the day I make you realize
That for you there could be no one else
I've just gotta have you for myself
Baby I will take good care of you
No matter what it is you're going through

I'll be there for you when you're in need
Baby believe in me
Cause if love is a crime, hey yeah
Then punish me, I would die for you
Cause I don't want to live without you
What can I do?

I could actually feel my tonsils quivering as JC sung the last line. I caught his eye for a microsecond and it said everything about those words he sang. Those lyrics hit me, and I resonated with them. I understood them better than I thought I ever could. The room was silent as Justin and Chris were listening to the playback.

"That was beautiful," I said quietly.

"Thank you," JC said. His voice was quiet, but boomed out of the speakers, frightening me. I didn't think he could hear me, I wasn't trying to speak loudly. But it was beautiful. You didn't have to tell anyone who heard JC sing, that it was beautiful, but I'm merely reiterating the truth.

"You're welcome."

I suddenly lost the urge to keep my hands still. I was slowly letting my anger at JC slip away, and those hidden emotions were rising. In all anger, I still felt love at the end of my fuse.

The guys spent hours going through their parts separately and a few more people came to the studio, my guess is they were the ones behind the song, and helped as well. I just sat quietly, minding my own business, observing everything that was going on. My ears didn't perk up until I finally heard them talking about the chorus. I realized I didn't even know what it was. Of course I wasn't expecting them to do it, if they were going to do the whole thing as a group, but one of the engineers decided to let Justin, Chris, and JC sing their part to see how it would sound.

"JC, you go first," Chris said. JC went back into the booth and placed the headphones over his ears. They played the track again, by this time I'd sang the verses over and over, wondering who came up with such sweet lyrics. JC focused his eyes onto mine. It was like everyone in the room vanished in the blink of an eye. I couldn't look away.

You can call me selfish
When all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless, baby
Cause I'm hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect,
But who's perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I'm the only for you
So, what's wrong with being selfish?

The familiarity of the song was so fresh to me. This was JC's song, the one I read in his notebook. With all the time he had on the bus, he finished writing it. After one go round through the chorus, JC and I found one another's eye amidst the commotion and he mouthed "I'm sorry". Trying to keep myself together, I mouthed back "I'm sorry, too."

I meant it. I got mad at JC, yes. But I was angry at myself, too, it's never only his fault. The relationship between us wasn't built on trust and honesty. It never started that way, and that's what was killing me the most. Neither of us knew for sure whether the other could be faithful. It's just, this thing between JC and I is so much more deeper than anyone else could understand. Even me. Everyone keeps telling me that JC's gonna run away from me, but I felt like I was the one doing all the running.

That only leaves another question that settled in my mind. Did JC write that song for me or was he simply playing up the moment? Whatever the case may be, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got up and walked to the door.

"Zee, where you goin'?" Justin asked.

"I'm gonna go get some fresh air, I'll be back," I replied.

"I'll come with you," Justin said as he followed me out the door.

I didn't protest or fight, I only proceeded out of the building. I walked all the way toward the back and found a spot, under the shade, to take a seat. It was a fairly secluded area, a bit quiet, too.

"Zee?" Justin called. I half-smiled as he came and took his place next to me. I felt his hand grasp onto mine and our fingers enclosed. As much as Justin hated to admit, he was such an affectionate sweetheart. “Talk to me."

"I don't wanna talk," I said, looking up at him.

"Then what do you wanna do?" he asked.

"I wanna kiss you and feel like we're kids again, and not two fucked up young adults," I replied.

Justin chuckled. "You know I'd jump at the chance to kiss you, but it won't make us any less fucked up. Remember the video shoot?"

"Yeah, but we'll be kissing."

"You know this sounds familiar. Like, when I was in your hotel room in New York asking you to help erase my world for just a few hours, familiar," Justin said.

"That was different, J."

"How?" he asked.

"You wanted to have sex. I'm not asking for sex, only an innocent kiss," I replied.

"That's all you're asking for? You're certain of that?" Justin asked.

"Yes. Let me," I said.

"Tell me what you’re trying to erase."

I placed my face near his neck, I deeply inhaled his scent, and placed soft kisses down his neck. Justin scooted closer to me, and pulled me into his body. I ran my tongue across his collarbone, hearing a light sigh leave his mouth. I started to bite on his neck, remembering where his sensitive spot was, as I neared closer to it. I could run away to Justin.

"Shit," Justin breathed as I reached a sensitive spot. "This isn't gonna fix anything."

I continued to kiss and bite on his neck, straddling his lap. Justin's mind didn't want to do this, but his body couldn't deny its' reaction. His fingers were soft down my back, rubbing his hands under my shirt. I pulled away from his neck, staring down into his eyes, caressing the back of his head with my fingers. I brushed my lips against his bottom one, feeling his breathing speed up. Without wanting to wait anymore, I brought our lips together. I felt both of us release into one another and he moaned softly. Justin pulled me closer, working his tongue inside my mouth, and I felt his bulge enlarge between me. I shifted upward slightly and squeezed my fingers into his shoulders.

"Stop," Justin whispered.

"J."

"How do you feel now?" he asked.

"Like trash," I suddenly felt tears stream from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, and cried in his neck. It truly caught me off guard, and I know it threw him for a loop. Still, Justin held me back, and comforted me.

I knew the choices I had to make. I had made.

2001: Dirty Basement

After that whole, awkward and downright challenging day at the studio, Justin stayed at my house for the night. I snuck down to the basement so I could talk to him, instead of instant messaging him all night. I closed the door of the room that used to be JC's and crept under the blanket, and into bed with him. He was bare chested, wearing only boxer briefs. Since when did he start not wearing clothes to bed? I was no better, all I had on was a big t-shirt. Justin easily slipped his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me closer to him.

"You're mom is gonna kill you if she catches you down here," Justin said.

"We're not doing anything, but talking," I said.

"Mm, for now."

"Justin can you focus, please?" I chuckled.

"I can't stop thinking about that kiss because of you," he whispered into my ear. "I told you it wouldn't fix anything. All it did was make me seriously want you."

He's definitely telling the truth. Kissing him didn't fix anything and only made me crave for him, too. I wanted Justin like crazy. The timespan of being ignored by JC allowed for Justin and I to gain back the initial closeness we had. Still, I needed to know why JC brought us together, if he was only going to end up wanting us apart.

"Stop thinking about the kiss."

Justin kissed the side of my face. "I can't. You don't understand what it was like to have you on top of me like that. Being out in public, back of the studio. It was plain sexy." The heat of Justin's body got hotter as he scooted closer to me.

"J, be good," I said.

"I don't wanna be good, Zahra. You honestly don't feel anything? Especially after that kiss?"

"I don't." It's dark, he can't see if I'm lying or not.

"Fuckin' liar," Justin remarked.

I gasped, and smacked him on his thigh. "Justin."

"What? You're lying and we both know you are. I'm not trying to complicate things between us. We're friends, and we can only experience what we draw the line at."

"Justin, you know that if we have sex, it'll mean something to both of us," I said.

"Stop denying what you wanna do with me, when you don't deny yourself for JC." I sighed heavily and crossed my arms. "What? No matter what, it always comes back to JC because I know how you feel about him. The only reason I haven't shut you out like he has is because I know what it's like to have your heart yearn for two different people. I'm not gonna fight and throw you in the middle. It won't do any good. In the end, it's all up to you. You'll want who you want."

I hated hearing this all the time. I didn't want to think about any of it. But again, as always, he was right. I brushed my hair out of my face and climbed on top of Justin. Taken aback, he switched on the small lamp that sat on the nightstand. His face looked sincere and sweet. But JC was sincere and sweet, too. How was I eventually supposed to choose one great guy when I know two were easily the ones for me?

"What's with the light?" I asked, staring down at him.

His hand brushed the side of my face. "If I upset you, I'm sorry."

"You didn't upset me. I know that I can't keep doing this back and forth. I don't want you to feel like I'm dicking you around, because this isn't a game to me anymore. I keep finding out things and it's confusing me to the point where I don't know what's real and what isn't."

"This is real." Justin brought my chin down to his, and pecked my lips softly. "Prove that you're not dicking me around. Do what YOU really wanna do. Whether we have sex or you walk away and leave, it'll be a decision that came solely from you."

I closed my eyes and settled my thoughts just for a moment. What I wanted right then. Not what everyone else made me feel like I needed. Not what everyone else wanted for me. What I wanted to do.

I kissed Justin. Yup. And I kissed him again. I took my time and massaged those lips the way I'd been wanting to since the moment I laid eyes on the being of Justin Timberlake. I wanted to let out everything I'd been suppressing for those years after our first kiss. I knew J was surprised that I chose to go this route with him, but he wasn't going to turn me away.

Justin's hands rubbed into the dip of my back, lifting up my big t-shirt. I sat up, lifting my shirt up over my head. Justin licked his lips, sliding his hands up my stomach and enclosing his fingers around my breasts. He sat all the way up and leaned his back against the headboard. He grabbed for my lips with his own and we started nipping and biting at one another. I loved how even in a moment with such intensity, we could still be playful with one another.

I played with the straps of my bra. Teasing as I slipped my arm out of each loop. Justin smirked and unhooked my bra. I leaned in closer as he ran his fingers across my bare skin; I got goosebumps. I moaned at the connection of his mouth with my breast. His tongue slid across my skin, holding my body tightly against the hardness beneath his boxer briefs. I skimmed my fingers across his tight, muscled arms and chest.

"I work out," he mused. I smirked and moved my lips to the side of his neck. "Mmm, right there."

Those soft moans of his caused me to tense up, with chills running up and down my back. I pressed my body in closer to him, feeling his stiff member slide between my folds. I wanted him something terrible. I always did, even when we were 16 and trying to get the hang of phone sex, I wanted him. Justin and I were going to have sex, and not because we were trying to make ourselves feel better to make the pain subside. As already stated, the sexual tension only made us remember what we never got to explore with each other.

We were doing this because, well, it was bound to happen. Why not now? I'm lying. We were doing this because we wanted to. Because it was easier to do this than to face our problems.

Justin's lips were on my shoulder as I maneuvered to take off my underwear. We laughed as we tickled one another, trying to remove them off my legs. He was making me smile, but on the inside I was nervous, a bit scared. He lifted me off of him and I sat on my knees watching him remove his boxers. No lie, my mouth started to water. I hadn't had sex since my first time and it was on the same status as torture, not doing it since then. The reaction between my thighs as he slid on the condom put my entire mood into overdrive.

Justin glanced up at me once he was ready, smiling sweetly. Oh god. I lunged forward, roughly beginning to kiss him, straddling his lap once again. Justin sunk his fingers into my thighs, before pulling away. We stared at one another for a second. Justin and I were finally going all the way. From our days of innocent puppy love to raging teenage hormones, this was it. Justin positioned himself and I slid down onto him slowly, feeling a little sting as my walls enclosed around his penis. I placed my arms around his neck, felt those hands grip my waist, and worked my hips up and down against Justin's. I tried to keep my voice quiet, as I rocked my hips back and forth, but a moan escaped my throat. Feeling Justin enlarge even more, filling me, I met my eyes with his, and we held the intense gaze.

Justin's hands smacked and squeezed my ass, forcing himself deeper inside of me. What a dirty boy. He was moaning and gasping, biting my nipple as our bodies smacked against one another's. All that could be heard was heavy breathing, and the sounds of sex. I put my hands on each of his thighs, fixing my leg position, and I slowly pushed into him. I threw my head back, biting down on my lip as I felt the adrenaline rush of initiating a new position. Justin's eyes were closed, his fingernails piercing into my skin as I was preventing him from moving his hips with my consistent, sharp movements.

"Fuck," Justin groaned.

After jerking myself forward, Justin pulled my hips and made my arms slip out from under me so my back would hit the mattress. My legs were in the air, arched over his arms, while my body was being slammed into his. His hands covered my mouth as he dug deeper into me. Tears formed in my eyes, as I pulled up the sheets on the bed. His hand pressed down tighter over my mouth as he sped up, not wanting me to scream. I could tell he was getting close because I could see all the muscles tighten up in his body. Finally releasing my mouth, his hands held onto my shoulders and rammed me into him rapidly.

"You gonna come for me?" he asked, panting and moaning.

Feeling that strong tingle approaching, I cried out, knowing that Justin had my body on complete lockdown. I couldn't roll my hips, push into him or anything to quickly bring that climax. He started to slow down, teasing me, when he didn't hear my response to his question. I was almost breathless at how easily he had me wrapped around his finger.

"No don't stop. I will," I moaned.

Justin smiled deviously, continuing his slow motion. I pleaded, clawing at his back, for him to go faster and put me out of my misery. His grip on my shoulder tightened as he pulled himself back. I was practically on the verge of pinching Justin's nipple, what was he doing? Justin waited a few seconds, rubbing the tip of his penis against me, then diving hard back inside me. The climax split me in two, spreading all throughout my body, invading the blood in my veins. I shook violently. The sound that left my mouth was a mix of a moan, a cry, and I think a laugh. Justin continued to caress my insides and he slowly hovered down to kiss my lips. I pulled him closer to make our kiss deepen.

"We waited too long to do that," Justin said.

"Yeah," I breathed.

There. The deed had finally been done. Justin and I finally got a taste for one another. I knew why I had to have him and he knew, too. What I didn't know, was that Justin and JC would never stop being a threat to each other if it came to me. That being said, I wasn't the one who's in the middle of them. It was Justin who was in the middle of me and JC. It'd been that way since the moment JC first introduced me to Justin. I never realized how much it's always been a battle between JC and I. Until now.

2001: Things get harder before they get easier

I woke up, wrapped in Justin's arms. He looked so cute sleeping, I didn't want to wake him. I easily slipped out of his grip, and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. Sure enough, though, that woke him up. He smiled, like always, I melted.

"Morning," I greeted.

"Morning. Coming to the studio?" he asked.

"I have a choice, now?" I smiled.

"No, I'm still gonna make you go."

"Speaking of the studio. Why do you want me to go so badly, anyway?" I
asked.

"I was told to make sure you came by JC. It was important to him. I don't know why and I didn't ask. I was just trying to stay on his good side."

What? JC was the one who wanted me at the studio? Oh! To hear the song because he finished it. I get it, now. Whether he wrote the song for me or not, was to be determined.

"I guess I'm going, then. I'm gonna go shower. I'll pour you some Cocoa Puffs," I offered.

Justin got up to put on a shirt and basketball shorts. "That sounds heavenly."

I shook my head and left the room to head upstairs. I poured Justin some cereal, then went up to my room. Once I took that much needed shower, I had a chance to put things into perspective. I had a clear head, and it made me see my situation from an unbiased standpoint. I met Justin back in the kitchen where he was all ready and waiting to head out.

"Ready to go?" Justin asked.

"Yeah."

The ride to the studio was silent. It was hard to tell what was going through Justin's mind. Technically, he cheated on his girlfriend. I can assume that Justin isn't batting an eyelash about it, since he's positive he lost Britney to Wade already. Even in our situation, Justin never held back his feelings for me. Things seemed pretty cool with him, when it came to me and JC. The only thing he told me was, I'd have choose who I wanted to make things simple. It wasn't anything I didn't know.

Or.

Justin could've taken the time to get over the fact that he and I would never be together. Maybe, Justin had the gut feeling that JC was better for me. In that instance, I think Justin would be right.

Soon, the car pulled into the studio lot and was parked. We waited before getting out. He knew I needed to talk to him before we stepped into that studio. I had to start being honest and it had to start with Justin. I was scared of him being upset with me and hating me. He was the greatest friend to me and I didn't want to lose him because of my own selfishness.

"Justin,” I began. Those blue eyes looked over at me, already knowing what I was about to say.

"Don't. I know. Deep down I always knew, but I didn't want it to be true. After last night, though, the truth was clear. JC's the better match. It's crazy what lust can do to people, it can be amazing. I think that between us, the lust overpowers the love. You and I share a deeper lust than romantic love. With JC, you both just genuinely have an equal balance of both."

"What makes you think I even love him that much?" I asked as I lowered my head, nervously playing with my fingers.

"You ever think about why you kept letting yourself be available to JC?" Justin asked me. I shook my head no. I figured it was because I was just young and blinded by stupidity. "You wanted the sweetest revenge."

I raised my eyebrows. I hadn't the slightest idea what the hell Justin was talking about. Revenge? Revenge for what? If it was for Bobbi, then hell yeah. I still can't get over that stunt she pulled last year, at the arena rehearsal.

"What revenge?" I asked.

"Back in our younger days, JC never gave you the time of day, and you knew that he wouldn't for years to come. Probably never. You can't deny that it didn't put you over the edge. Especially when he started dating Nikki, who was only two years older than you were. The first time you realized you could have JC in your palm, you began using it against him. Whether you were conscious of it or not, you loved that he couldn't keep himself away from you. Only, instead of making him fall for you, you ended up falling for him, too."

I let Justin's words simmer inside my brain, thinking back to all those times I'd made it clear to JC how I felt, only for him to ignore it or say I wasn't old enough. He had any and all types of power over me. Then to suddenly have that power in my hand with things reversed? It was sweet, no doubt, the best. But the sweeter it was the faster it became my own poison. I didn't think of JC the way I used to.

"I think the only reason he hasn't left Bobbi yet is because he's scared you'll hurt him for not being sure about what's going on inside you. Why would he leave someone who he's already gotten past the hurt with, only to go to someone who could fill him with new pain? Someone who he never knew he could feel something so strongly for."

"I would never intentionally try to hurt JC."

"I know you won't. If you'd go through years of this back and forth, there's not a doubt in my mind about you not being able of sticking by JC's side. Now get your ass outta this Jeep and go assure him of that so this thing can end," Justin smiled.

I hugged Justin. I was upset about him coming to his own self-realization about us. I never once thought Justin couldn't have been a guy I'd be with. Why didn't we share love like we did lust? I shook the question, ad I got out of the jeep, and shut the door. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I walked into that building feeling more confident than I'd ever felt in my life. This was it. I had made up my mind about who I wanted to take a swing at in this relationship thing. JC was the one. We needed to talk and sort out some issues, but I knew once we put all of the truth into the open, it would be well worth it.

I opened the door to the studio and walked in. Lance and Chris spun around in their chairs and smiled at me. I thought back to when I assumed Lance was Chris and Chris was Lance and snickered. I never told them about it. I returned their sweet gesture, looking around the room for JC. Where was he? As I went to turn and head back out the door, Joey came inside. I greeted him politely before continuing out the door, into the hallway. I smiled when I saw JC. My smile quickly disappeared once I saw that he wasn't alone. He was talking to this long and dark-haired beauty, who was leaned up against the wall. The way he was looking at her and then looked at me once he noticed I was there? My confidence dissolved in an instant. My heart just shattered.

"Zahra, hey," JC said.

The dark-haired beauty walked over to me, and stuck her hand out in front of her. "Hi, I'm Emmanuelle."

"When a man's scared, the possibilities of what he can do to feel safe again, are endless. Keep that in mind."