How, how can it be

That a love carved out of caring

Fashioned by fate could suffer so hard from the games played once too often

But making mistakes is part of life’s imperfection

Born of the years

Is it so wrong to be human after all?

Raina Brandt stands at the foot of her bed with nothing but her pajama pants on. She feels the air hit her bare stomach like pins sticking into her skin. The sensation causes goosebumps to appear over her ivory skin. Her heart races as a hand reaches up and touches her stomach and runs down to her pants waistband. The hand slowly dips under the elastic and rubs her gently and painfully slow. 

“You’re wet.” a voice murmurs in the dimly lit room. Raina reaches for the hand and pulls it out of her pants. She proceeds to take her pants off and is left in just her hello kitty underwear. 

She can feel eyes watching her every move. “Wore them just for you,” she whispers as she reluctantly throws the pants in the corner. 

Drawn into the stream of undefined illusion

Those diamond dreams

They can’t disguise the truth 

That there is something about you baby so right

I wouldn’t be here without you baby tonight

The only noise in the room in the ceiling fan that’s keeping the air at the perfect temperature. Raina lays down on her stomach and can feel an arm wrap over her back and pull her closer. She turns on her side and smiles when a kiss is planted on her temple. 

“I have to leave.”

She doesn’t answer. 

“You know I can’t stay. The kids are waiting and so -”

“I know,” she says rather harshly cutting him off. “I know.” she repeats again, but much quieter. 

If ever our love was concealed

No one can say that we didn’t fell a million things

And a perfect dream of life

“I love you,” he says reaching up to move a strand of hair from her face. He leans in and kisses her lips so softly that she almost doesn’t feel it. She keeps her eyes closed even after he’s gotten out of the bed. 

He gets dressed, grabs his cell phone, keys, and wallet from the night stand next to her head. She watches his every move from her spot on the bed. 

“Why are you still with her?” Raina’s voice comes out shaky and she avoids eye contact even though the room is too dark to tell. 

Gone, fragile, but free

We remain tender together

If not so in love, it’s not so wrong

We’re only human after all

“You already know why.” he mumbles as he rubs her cheek with his thumb. “I can’t leave her after all we’ve been through.”

“What about us?” she asks quietly.

He stops rubbing her cheek and just stares at her. “I’m not sure what will happen.” he finally says.

“Just go.” 

“I’ll call you later.” he says closing the door behind himself. 

Raina closes her eyes and tries to remember how she got herself into this position. How does a person get so messed up and so far from what they used to be? How do you go from the straight A student to sleeping with the father of the kids you babysit? 

These changing years

They add to your confusion

Oh and you need to hear the time that told the truth

Because there’s something about you baby so right

I wouldn’t be here without you baby tonight

by the school

on the street

you were dropped off with a sign,

"this piano is free"

you didn't look free to me 

12 months earlier 

Raina walks down the hallway to her locker. She passes a group of girls who are laughing obnoxiously loud. 

“Raina!” one of them yells out in their unusually high pitched voice. 

She stops walking and turns to see what they want. She’s never talked to them, well maybe once, but that was in grade school. This is a fairly small town so most kids have been in school together for a long time. Grace Montgomery is the most popular girl in school and she just called out for Raina. 

Raina stands there confused and looks at the group of girls who all look the same. Straight blonde hair, polo shirts, and plaid skirts. 

“My mom wanted me to ask if you would babysit for my little brother tomorrow. She and my dad are going out and I’m going to be at a party.” Grace says while flipping her hair over her shoulder. 

Raina notices the perfectly manicured fingernails and Coach purse that Grace has, not so discretely, hanging from her shoulder. 

“Yeah, what time?” Raina asks quietly. 

“I don’t know. My mom will call your mom tonight.” Grace says and then walks away without even a nod bye or a thank you. 

“Bitch,” Raina mutters under her breath and continues down the hall to her locker. 

cast aside

obsolete

since they cancelled music class

you've been a refugee 

She finally reaches her locker, but can’t get to it because a group of junior guys are standing in the way.  

“Excuse me!” she yells and they look down at her. 

“Wow, she speaks!” one says with a laugh and the others join in. “Thought you were mute.”

She doesn’t say anything, just grabs her books and goes to her next class. English, her favorite. 

but now I'll give you a home

corazon

Raina sits in the front, next to her best friends Peter and Miranda. 

“Hey,” she says as she sits and smiles at her friends. She gets out her books and and organizes herself while her friends gossip about something. 

“I heard she slept with him.” Miranda whispers to Raina and Peter.

“Eww, she did not!” Peter says with a shocked face. “That’s so nasty!”

Raina turns to her friends. “Who slept with who?”

“Grace slept with Mr. Felds.” Miranda says with wide eyes.

Raina just shakes her head in disgust. “No she didn’t.”

“Yes she did! I heard it was after she was done babysitting for his kids and he was taking her home. They did the deed in the back of his van.” 

Peter laughs, “why don’t you just say sex.” 

“I don’t want Sister Jean to hear me. She’ll go apeshit if she hears that word.” 

“So you can say apeshit , but not sex.” he mutters and all three of them start laughing. 

“Settle down children.” Sister Jean says as she walks to the front of the room and starts class. 

Raina stares out the window and wonders if what Miranda said is true. Would Grace actually sleep with Mr. Felds? Why would she? She has a boyfriend. Unless it was like extra money, but still, it’s so gross. Raina shivers at the thought and tries to concentrate on class. 

so I pushed

and I heaved

but your weight bore down like I could not believe

had you accepted defeat?

: : : : : 

“Mom, I got my report card.” Raina says setting the envelope on the table. She wasn’t worried, more excited.

“Let me see it.” her mom says excitedly.

Raina always got great grades and made it a purpose to get straight A’s every semester. 

Her moms reads the grades off. “Chemistry: A, Algebra: A, Religion: A, Music Appreciation: A, and English: A.” she gets up and pulls her daughter into a hug. “I’m so proud. Let’s hang it up on the fridge.”

“I’m not 5, mom” Raina says as she laughs while her mom hangs up her report card. 

“I’m still hanging it up. It’s too good to not be hung up.” she says with a smile. “Oh, that reminds me, Mrs. Montgomery called earlier and said to go over tomorrow around 4:30. You’ll be there until 8:00 so make sure to take your homework along.”

Raina nods, “ok” she says quietly. 

“What’s wrong?” her mom asks as she rubs Raina’s shoulder. 

“Nothing, I’m just tired. I’m going to go do my homework.” she says walking away.

“Ok, I’ll call you when dinner is ready.”

Raina walks into her bedroom and closes the door gently. She flops down on her bed and groins as she thinks of all the homework she has to get done before tomorrow. She hears her cell phone ringing in the distance and she starts to rummage through her backpack looking for it. 

till the crowd

gathered round

put away their goings on and hunkered down

“Hello?” 

“Hi Raina, this is Jamie Timberlake. I called Mrs. Montgomery looking for a sitter tomorrow night and she said Grace was busy and you are going to be watching Trevor for them. I was thinking I could drop Hannah and Kendell off at the Montgomery’s house and then you could just watch them too. Is that ok? We really need a sitter, sorry it’s so last minute.” 

Raina can hear Kendell crying in the background and she smiles. She hasn’t seen both Kendell and Hannah since they were just babies. “Yeah, I love those two.”

“Thank you so much! Either Justin or I will pick you and the girls up at the end of the night and take you home, so that Mrs. Montgomery doesn’t have to.” 

“Ok, see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks again.” Mrs. Timberlake says and hangs up. 

Raina hasn’t seen or heard from them since she was around 10. They used to live a few blocks away, but just recently got divorced and Jamie, Mrs. Timberlake, moved an hour away. It will be nice to see them again.

Raina sighs as she turns back to her homework. “It’s going to be a long night,” she says to herself as she starts on the large pile of papers. 

and the expert

with his tools

said to bring it up to pitch would snap the sucker in two

I guess we're tuning to you

so I pulled

up a seat

and I swear I felt a pulse beneath your keys

I was caught

I was stuck

and my thoughts kept on deepening the rut

until your first chord struck

now I search

I'm a chore

but my god you've given me another chance to learn

Raina waits by the front window for her mother to get home. She’s supposed to be at Mrs. Timberlake’s house in 15 minutes, but her mother isn’t anywhere to be found. Cynthia, Raina’s mom, works part time at a local library and sometimes gets pulled into side projects that the library has going on. That’s why she’s late tonight. 

Raina pulls out her cell phone and dials the seven digit number. 

“Hi, Raina.”

“Hi, Mrs. Timberlake. I’m probably going to be a little late, because my mom got stuck at the library again.”

“Oh, is she going to be really late? I’m sure Justin or I could come over and pick you up.” Mrs Timberlake always sounds so happy and carefree when Raina talks to her.

“She said about 25 minutes late.”

“I’ll call Justin and have him stop by your place on the way here. It doesn’t make any sense for you to wait around, since he’s going that direction anyways.” 

“Ok, I’ll call my mom and let her know.” Raina says as she stares out the window. 

“Ok, see you in a little bit.” Mrs. Timberlake hangs up and Raina dials her mom’s number.

She gets her mom’s voicemail, which doesn’t surprise her. Cynthia is always away from her phone or her phone is on silent. 

“Hey mom, it’s Raina. I just wanted to let you know that Mr. Timberlake will be picking me up to go babysit, so you don’t have to worry about getting home and taking me. See you tonight.”

She hangs up and glances down at the time. It’s already been 5 minutes since she hung up the phone with Mrs. Timberlake and Justin still wasn’t there. Just as she was about to go to the bathroom, she sees a car pulling into her driveway and sees Justin get out.

You're always dying inside

That much closer to home

A crowded street corner

Surrounded by people, all alone.

Pain in the heart

Ran in the dark

The wind is glum and bitter

She walks around the corner

Its like she brought the sun with her

Then everything just brightened up

I couldn't make this up

My fingers in my eyes as she walked by

Like I was waking up

In so many words

I couldn't string a sentence together to bother her

I instantly forgot all my plans and started to follow her

She opens the door and quickly walks out to the car. “Hi,” she mumbles as he walks towards her. 

“Hi, are you ready?” he asks with a smile.

“Yep.”

“Let’s get on our way. It’ll be a long ride.” he says getting back into the car. 

Raina sits in the passenger seat and watches as he turns the ignition on. He glances sideways at her and she turns to see why, but he turns away to look out his window for cars. 

“The kids are excited.” he says after they pull onto the road. 

“That’s good.” she whispers looking out her window. “I haven’t seen them in a long time.”

“They’ve grown up. Kendell acts like a 20 year old sometimes. I can’t believe how big she is getting. It feels like just yesterday that I was holding her tiny body in my arms, rocking her to sleep. Hannah is getting so big, too. Just yesterday she asked me when she can start dating.” Justin’s voice becomes softer as he continues to talk about his daughters. 

Raina can tell he really loves Kendell and Hannah. She looks over and watches as his expression softens with every word. He looks over at her and smiles, like he’s a kid getting caught doing something bad. 

Its like the sky opened and God handed you directly to me

I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I'm sinking

Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

“I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear about them.” he mutters wiping his hand over his short hair. “How’s school been going?” he asks turning to glance at her again.

She laughs slightly, “I’d rather talk about your kids than my school work. It’s really stressful since finals are next week, but I’ll make it through.” 

Justin smiles slightly, “I kind of miss the stress of school. It’s a lot easier than the stress I face today.” 

“I guess.”

The car stops at a red light and Justin looks at her again. He just starts to smile and she looks over at him. She blushes because his eyes slowly take in her whole body. Raina doesn’t miss the fact that Justin unconsciously licks his lips and smirks a little more when he looks at her bare legs. 

Your legs are long and toned

You must be walking home

I love the way your lips move

When you're talking on your phone

Intoxicating and truly viewing impurities

Plague every thought of you 

While I'm trailing you like your security

Lost, we couldn't know our paths would cross

But time knew it

Feet sticking out the window of opportunity

Climbing through it

Pain for sale

Looking to find a new taker

Chance to speak blown

When you looked at me

I looked in the newspaper

Raina pulls at the hem or her dress and clears her throat, drawing Justin’s attention back to her face. “The light’s green.” she whispers pointing out the windshield. 

Justin takes a deep breath and concentrates on driving, like nothing even happened. 

30 minutes later and after a very awkward car ride, they pull into the Timberlake’s driveway. 

Raina gets out first and feels Justin’s eyes follow her as she walks in front of the car. He gets out and walks next to her, but a safe distance apart. 

Justin opens the front door for her, “We’re here.” he calls out as they step into the foyer. 

“Daddy!” A little girl comes running from the hallway and Justin picks her up twirling her in the air. 

“How’s my Kendoll doing?” he asks as he kisses her head. 

“My name isn’t Ken doll, daddy.”

“It isn’t?! I thought it was.” 

Kendell shakes her head and in the process wipes Justin in the face with her curly hair. 

“Ow!” Justin yells and pretends to cry. 

Kendell’s face quickly changes to worry and she looks to Raina to see what to do. “Daddy, I didn’t mean to hit you. I’m sowry.” she says as she pets her dad’s face.

Justin starts laughing and kisses her cheek. “I’m just playing with you. You didn’t hurt me.” 

“You mean.” Kendell says as she hits his shoulder. Raina laughs quietly and Justin glares at her while whispering into Kendell’s ear. 

I'm miles out of my way

Creepy, I want more

I would've turned back

But you stuck your key in your front door

I'm standing across the street

The stars have aligned us to meet

Standing outside with your trash

Feeling incomplete

My finger aching for your doorbell

Like a random blob

Instead I lurked outside in the cold

Like an abandoned dog

Perish the thought:

You should cherish the words that I got in my mouth

The only words that can truly explain how I got in your house

“Raina, daddy says you aren’t getting payed tonight.” Kendell says proudly.

“Oh really?” Raina raises an eyebrow at Justin.

Justin whispers in his daughter’s ear again.

“Yes,” Kendell repeats. “Because you’d laughed at him pain.”

Raina just smiled and watched as Justin put Kendell down and told her to go get mommy. 

Justin sits down on the couch and pats the seat next to him, “you can sit if you want. It’ll be a while until Jamie and I leave. That woman takes longer to get ready than any woman I know.”

Raina looks at the spot he patted and is hesitant. She looks to see if there are any other chairs free, but there aren’t. She sits next to him, but as far away as possible. After that awkward car ride, she doesn’t want to make anything more awkward. 

Justin laughs as she gets situated. “I don’t bite.” he says.

Raina straightens out her sun dress and crosses her ankles, trying to ignore the comment he just made. She tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and can feel Justin’s eyes on her. She just stares down at her hands in her lap and tries not to acknowledge him. 

“Your hair is longer.” 

She nods her head slightly and swallows hard. Why is this so uncomfortable? 

“I like it.”

Her eyes widen at his comment, but she tries to stay calm and not show how uncomfortable she is. 

“Did you dye it?” His voice sounds closer and her eyes shut for a moment before she shakes her head no.

Because the sky opened and God handed you directly to me

I know it sounds crazy but so is life, I'm sinking

Feeling like your heart is beating solely for me

Unlikely, impossible, I couldn't dream and think it

There's something happening between us, you can't deceive

I'm so in over my head I've learned to breathe in it

Your eyes are screaming and they're saying "No, baby" to me

If there was a way out I think you would've taken it

My hands and arms are the only way that you can leave

Face to face for the first time you feel what I'm feeling

Selfishly no longer breathing 

Because

Of me 

She hears him clear his throat and stand up, but she doesn’t look up from her lap. 

“I’m going to go see how Jamie is doing.” he says before leaving the room. 

Raina looks up to see him walking out of the room. She sighs and looks down at her phone seeing what time it is and hoping that they leaved soon. 

15 minutes later, Justin and Jamie enter the room again. 

“Sorry that took so long.” Jamie says as she grabs her coat. “Dinner is already in the oven and the kids should be in bed by 8. Trevor’s brother will stop by at 7 to pick him up. Have a good time.” Jamie says as she kisses her daughters goodbye.

“We will. Hope you have fun also.” Raina says as she waves bye to Jamie. 

“Justin, be safe.” Jamie says as she closes the door and walks to her car. 

“I thought you were going with her.” Raina says to Justin once Jamie has left. 

“Nah, I’m going out with the guys tonight. See you later.” he says kissing Kendell and Hannah. He looks at Raina one last time before shutting the door and walking to his car. 

     Raina walks down one of the many aisles of colorful fabric. Her eyes wander the many racks of dresses and she reaches out to touch the tulle of a deep purple gown.

    “What about this one?” a voice asks from a few racks away. She glances in her mother’s direction and sees her holding up a short green dress. It was pretty, but Raina’s dream dress was in a shade of purple and was spunky.

    “It’s ok, I think I want something in purple or maybe blue.” She says as she continues to search the endless racks of dresses. She pulls a short light purple cotton dress from the rack and smiles as she sees the large poppy on the waist band. “I think I found one. I’m going to try it on.”

    She walks toward the dressing room and tries it on. The light purple looked amazing against her ivory skin. The dress hit her right above the knee and had a modest neckline. It was beautiful. She walks out of the room and turns in a circle to show it to her mom. “Do you like?” she asks as she eyes her mom through the mirror.

    “Yeah, it’s gorgeous. How much?” she asks as she reaches for the price tag. She gasps and then tucks it back in. “Way too much. Dad would have a heart attack.” Her mom says as she looks at her daughters face drop.

    “How much is it?” Raina asks quietly.

    “$525”

Don't get any big ideas
They're not going to happen

    She glances at herself one last time and then returns to the dressing room. She knows that her parents don’t have that type of money to spend on a homecoming dress. She’s not like the rich girls at school that can get whatever they ask for and want.

    Raina and her mom continue looking for dresses and eventually gather three more dresses that are in their price and to Raina’s liking. Raina and her mom make their way back to the dressing rooms. Raina glances over at the entrance of the store and sees Justin walking past. He sees her also and stops to wave. She returns the wave and then runs to catch up with her mom.

    “Here, try this one on first. I think that will be the winner.” Her mom says as she hands her a short blue number. Raina slips it on and walks out to model it. The color is beautiful on her, but not as good as the purple was. It’s about the same length and almost the same style, minus the large poppy on the side. She smiles as she sees her mom’s face light up.

    “It’s beautiful, sweetie.” her mom says as she walks up to touch the dress. “and it’s in our price range” she adds with a slight laugh. “What do you think?”

    “I love it, but I want to try on the other ones.”

    She returns to the dressing room and switches into a short cream colored dress. She steps out to show her mom, but doesn’t see her around.

    “Mom?” she says poking her head out of the doorway of the dressing room. She doesn’t see her anywhere, so she steps back and looks at herself in the mirrors. Just as she turns to look at her back she sees Justin walk into the dressing rooms area. She smiles at him and he does the same.

    “Hey” she says as he walks up behind her and looks at her face through the mirror.

    “Hey,” He returns. “The purple one was my favorite.”

    Her face turns to surprise, “You saw that? How?”

    “From out there,” He points to the store, behind them. “Which one are you getting?”

    “Probably the blue one. This one washes me out.” She says as she brushes her hand over the cream colored fabric.

    “Why not the purple one? Your face lit up when you had that one on.” He asks as he continues to watch her closely.

    “Can’t afford it.” She says with a slight frown. “I loved it, but my parents don’t have the kind of money.” She looks at him and shrugs as if to say ‘ guess you can’t always get what you want’.

    “I’ll buy it.” Justin says, never taking his eyes off her.

    She immediately turns around to face him and shakes her head, “No, no. Are you insane? I can’t let you do that.”

    He raises a hand to quiet her. “It’s fine. I’ve got the money and it’s worth it to see you happy.”

    She stands there in shock. She’s not sure whether she should thank him or scold him. She hears her mother talking to a sales woman and their voices are getting louder.

You paint yourself white
And fill up with noise
But there'll be something missing

    “This is the dress we want,” Her mom says as she points to the blue dress hanging on the door. “Oh, Justin. What a surprise.”

    He smiles and shakes her hand. “Yeah, I saw you and Raina shopping and decided to stop in and say hi.”

    “How nice. What do you think of Raina’s dress?” she says lifting the blue one off the door. “It’s lovely isn’t it?”

    “Beautiful, but I think she should get the purple one.” He responds and glances at  Raina, who’s still wearing the cream colored dress.

    “I agree, but we just can’t afford that one.” Her mom says with a slight sigh.

    “I’m willing to buy it for her.” Justin says finally taking his eyes off of Raina. “In fact, I insist on buying that dress.”

    “Oh my, that’s very nice of you but we would never be able to pay you back.”

    “No need, seeing Raina is enough of a payment.” He smiles at her mom. They all stand there for a moment and stare at Raina’s mom for an answer. She finally gives in and nods her head.

    “I guess we’ve got you a homecoming dress, sweetie.” she says smiling from ear to ear. “Make sure to thank Mr. Timberlake.” she turns to Justin and smiles sweetly. “Thank you so much.”

    “You’re very welcome.” he says to her mother. She walks out to find the purple dress in Raina’s size and leaves Raina and Justin alone, again.

    “Thanks,” Raina mumbles as she walks towards him. “I really appreciate it.”

    “You’re welcome, but you owe me big time.” He says with a twinkle in his eye. She laughs and looks down at the floor. “You’ll look beautiful. You have to promise to come visit that night to let me see the dress.”

    “I promise.” She says holding out her pinky. He links his own pinky with hers and they both laugh. She returns to the dressing room to change into her regular clothes and when she opens the door again, Justin’s gone and her mom is standing there with the purple dress in a bag.

    “You ready?” her mom asks.

    Raina nods and they head for the food court to grab some lunch before heading home.

Now that you've found it, it's gone
Now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rails
    _____________________

    “Oh Raina,” her mom says as they walk into their house. “Mrs. Timberlake called while we were driving home. She wants to know if you can babysit tonight?”

    Raina shrugs, “Sure, what time?”

    “I’ll let you listen to the voicemail for the details.”

    Raina grabs her mom’s phone to listen to the message.
    
    ‘Hi Cynthia, I was wondering if Raina would be available to watch the kids tonight. I know it’s last minute, but Justin had a work meeting come up unexpected and I  already made plans with friends. We won’t need her until 6:30, so just have her call me back before then. Thanks, bye.’

    Raina immediately redials the number and confirms the job. She needs to start saving for college. Both her parents didn’t attend college, so Raina wants to be the first in her immediate family to graduate from college and do something with her life.

    _____________________

    “Hi, come on in.” Mrs. Timberlake says as she opens the door wider for Raina to enter.

    Raina takes her coat off and does the same with her shoes.

    “The girls haven’t eaten yet. You can make mac and cheese, it’s already out on the counter. The emergency numbers have been updated, so those are on the fridge and I believe Justin should be leaving in the next five minutes. I have to go, but thanks for coming at such short notice. The girls love when you babysit.”

    Raina smiles at that comment, “It’s not problem, have a good night.”

    Mrs. Timberlake hurries out the door and Raina goes to start dinner. She can hear the girls upstairs playing and she also sees the light from the master bedroom still on. She assumes Justin is still in there getting ready, so she continues onto the kitchen to make dinner.

    She hears some footsteps entering the kitchen, “Please go wash up, dinner is almost ready.” She says to, who she thinks is one of the girls.

    “Great, cause I’m starving.” A male voice responds.

So don't get any big ideas
They're not going to happen

    Raina jumps at the sound of Justin being in the same room as her. She watches as he sits at the table. “Aren’t you leaving?” She asks.

    “Nope.”

    “It got cancelled?” She says as she turns back to the stove.
    
    “Something like that.”

    She hears him stand up. She tries to concentrate on the boiling noodles, but that’s becoming more and more difficult. She turns to ask him another question and almost drops the towel in her hands. Justin was standing right behind her. So close that she could feel his breath fan over her light skin. She watches, in shock, as his hand reaches up to her hair and tucks it behind her ear. Her mind was telling her to stop him, but she couldn’t move so instead she clears her throat in hopes to distract him or pull him out of whatever trance he was in.

    “You’re beautiful.” He says it with such confidence and knowing. It wasn’t ‘the dress is beautiful’ or ‘you’re hair is beautiful’, it was ‘YOU’RE beautiful’ which shocked Raina.

    Her eyes dart from the table, behind him, to the floor and back. She can’t bear to look at him.

    “You’re eyes are gorgeous.” He whispers as he leans in closer. She reaches up and pushes him aside as she grabs the plates and heads for the table. He can’t talk like this to her. It’s wrong on so many levels.

    He grabs her upper arm and grabs the plates from her hands. He leans down so she’s forced to look him in the eyes. “You aren’t working tonight.” Is all he says before setting the table. She stands there confused, watching him.

    The sound of boiling water becomes louder and Raina finally snaps out of her daze and takes the pot off the stove before it boils over. She adds the rest of the ingredients and calls for the girls to come eat. She glances over and sees Justin watching her from his place at the table. He’s smiling at her in such a way that she’s never seen. It’s almost like he’s proud of her. She sits down next to him and waits for the girls to arrive.

    “Can I say grace?” Kendell asks as she grabs Justin and Hannah’s hand.

    “Sure,” Justin says as he reaches for Raina’s hand. She places her small hand in his larger one, nervously.

    “Thank you for this food and my awesome amazing family. Amen.” Kendell mumbles quickly before opening her eyes and looking to her dad for approval.

    “Amen,” Justin says with a smile and kisses Kendell on the cheek. “Did you girls have a good day?”

    Hannah nods as she shoves mac and cheese into her mouth. Kendell does the same.
    
    “How about you?” Justin says turning to look at Raina.

    She nods and smiles at the thought of her purple homecoming dress. “Thanks again for the dress.”

    He shakes his head, “It’s not a big deal. You deserved it.” He says as he absent-mindedly pats her knee, under the table.

    “I got to color a picture.” Hannah says with wide eyes. “It was a bird!”

    “That’s cool. Did you hang it up?”

    “It’s not done.” She says with a giggle.

    Raina watches in silence. She’s not sure what to think of the slight touch Justin gave her and she isn’t sure what to think of his comments about her not working tonight.  
    
    “May I be excused?” Kendell says with a full mouth of food.

    Justin nods with a smile.

    “Me too?” Hannah says with pleading eyes.

    “Go ahead. I’ll be up to read you a bedtime story when you’re ready.” He says as both girls run up to their room.

    Raina stands and starts grabbing plates to clean up. Justin immediately stops her.

    “You’re a guest. Guests don’t clean up.” he says as he grabs the plates from her small hands. He sets them on the counter and grabs her wrist. He guides her into the living room, “sit and relax” he demands. “I’ve got the cleaning under control.”

    Raina does as he said and watches some TV. A few minutes later, Justin joins her on the couch. She feels him reach for her wrist.

    “That’s a pretty bracelet.” His fingers play with the clasp and slightly brush against her skin.

    Chills run up her back when his finger gently scratches her inner wrist.

    “Jamie used to wear dresses like yours and then we had kids. Her style was never the same since.” He says as his eyes travel from her bracelet to her dress and sweater.

You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

    She reaches down to pull her dress farther down her legs, but it’s not useful. Justin gently pulls her hand from the hem and rubs his thumb over her smooth knuckles. She watches in shock as he brings it to his lips and places a quick kiss to the back, never breaking eye contact.

    “You’re really -” He starts, but is interrupted by Kendell who runs into the room. Justin quickly drops Raina’s hand and jumps off the couch.

    “We ready for stories, daddy.” Kendell announces as she holds her hands up for Justin to pick her up.

    Justin nods and runs a hand over his head and lets out a deep breath. He glances back at Raina as he walks towards the stairs. She’s trying to look anywhere but at him.
    
    Raina sits there for a few seconds before realizing what just happened. She gathers her belongings and leaves before Justin comes back. There is no other way to get home, except to walk. She starts the long journey and gets home an hour later. She reaches for the door and wipes her face with the back of her hand. It’s wet and she’s not sure why she’d been crying.

I’ve got this friend
I don’t think you know him
He’s not much for words
He’s hidden his heart away

“Higher daddy!” Kendell yells as Justin pushes the swing. “I wan a fly to the sun.”

Justin smiles at the sight of his daughters curly hair flying and her giggles floating through the air. He feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and pulls it out with his free hand. Jamie’s name flashes on the screen.

“Hey” he answers.

“Hi, Hannah got sick and I need you to come pick her up. I can’t miss work today.”

“What about my meeting? I can’t miss that either.” He says as he pushes Kendell.

“Well, if you can’t take her then you’ll have to find a sitter. I’m in a hurry though. Are you home?”

He looks around, “nope, we’re at the park. We’ll start walking back now.”

“Ok, call Raina and see if she can sit last minute.”

“Yep.” he says as he hangs up.

He immediately dials Raina’s number after hanging up with Jamie.

“Hello?” He smiles at the sound of her soft voice.

“Hey, are you busy today? Could you possibly come watch the kids?”

“Um, sure. I just have to shower. I can be there in a half hour.”

“Thanks. Hannah got sick so she can’t go to daycare.”

“Poor girl. Ok, see you in a little bit.”

“Yep, bye.” Justin hangs up and turns to Kendell, who is still on the swing.

“Come on sweetie, we have to go home.”
Her smiles instantly turns into a frown, but she stops swinging and walks over to Justin. “Why?!”

“Because I said so. Now march young lady!” he teases as they both march home.

------------------------------------------------------------

I’ve got this friend
I don’t think you know her
She sings a simple song
It sounds a lot like his

“Thanks again. Jamie or I should be back by eight. If the girls are any trouble threaten them with no bed time snack. It always works.” Justin says as Raina and him walk to the living room. He glances at her legs for a split second, but she catches him and they both  smile nervously.

“That’s fine. I’m going out at ten, so that should be perfect timing.” she says in response.

“Fun, where you going?”

Raina’s face lights up at the thought of tonight. “My friend Owen is taking me to a movie and dinner.”

Justin looks down at his feet. “A date?”

She smiles and his heart drops at the thought of her with a guy. “No,” she says with a laugh. “He owes me cause I paid for his textbooks this semester.”

“Oh,” Justin says with slight relief. “Cool, well, have fun. Just remember, no boys over while at work.” he says half joking.

She just chuckles and nods. “Have a great time at your meeting.”

This time he laughs and makes his way out the door. “Tell the girls goodnight for me. Thanks again.”

Raina watches as he jumps into his car and pulls away. She can’t help thinking that he wasn’t joking about the no boys. Since when was he that interested in her love life.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Raina watches as Kendell helps herself to the stack of puzzles sitting in the corner. Her little hands try to pry the pieces out and she starts to put the pieces in random places. “Need some help?” Raina asks as she watches the child force the pieces together.

“No, mommy says I’m real good at these. I’m smart.” Kendell says without looking up from the puzzle.

Raina sits back on the sofa and turns back to the book she was reading. Her eyes become heavy and she starts having a hard time staying awake. She glances up at the clock and sees that it’s already 7:30.

“Ken, it’s time for bed. Finish that puzzle and then go brush your teeth, please.” she says as she cleans up the books and toys that girls pulled out.

“Ok, but can you help me?” kendell asks as she frowns at her progress with the puzzle.

Raina helps her finish and then she goes to brush her teeth. Raina goes to check on Hannah, who is sound asleep like she was the whole afternoon. It’s a lot easier to babysit when one child sleeps the whole time. The poor girl had a fever and didn’t look good at all.

Kendell finishes brushing her teeth just as Justin and Jaime walk in the door.

“Daddy, Mommy!” She says running from the bathroom. Raina smiles at the little girls reaction. “You made it!”

“Made what?” Jaime asks as she hugs the little girl.

“It home before I go to bed.”

“Oh, yeah we did. Do you want me to read you a story?” Jaime asks as Justin picks their daughter up and spins kisses her cheek.

“Yeah!” Kendell’s eyes light up at that idea. “Let’s go!”

“Justin can you take Raina home?” Jaime says as Kendell drags her down the hallway.

“Come on,” Justin says once Jaime has left the room. They step outside and the cold hits Raina’s bare arms. “Need a coat?” Justin asks, taking off his jacket and handing it to her.

“Thanks, Raina says as they make their way from Justin’s house to her place.

“So, when’s that dance?” Justin asks looking over at Raina.

“Saturday. Thanks again for the dress.”

He holds up his hands and smiles “It’s not a big deal. I just wanted to see you happy. If I remember correctly, we made a deal.”

Raina looks at him with a confused look. “Oh,” she says once she realizes what he’s talking about. “I can stop by before the dance so you can see the dress the day of.” she says with a slight laugh.

“You’ll look beautiful.” He says as they continue their walk. They continue walking for a couple miles and come upon a park with a small lake. “Come on.” Justin says as he nods towards the park.

Raina follows him as he walks off the sidewalk and into the small group of trees next to the lake. “I’ve never been here. It’s pretty.” She says looking out over the lake.

Justin nods and sits on the grass. He looks up at Raina, who’s still standing and then pats the spot next to him. “Sit,” he suggests.

She sits down and leans back on her arms so she can look up at the sky. “It’s so nice out tonight.” she mutters to nobody in particular.

“Certainly is.” He says as he lays on his back and puts his arms behind his head.

Raina lays back and they both stay silent for a couple minutes. The cool air is still blowing, but the air is still on the warmer side. She shivers as the wind grows stronger.

Justin notices her wrap his jacket tighter around her small body. “You still cold?”

She nods and bites her lip as she looks to the side and sees him motion for her to move closer to him.

“Come here, I’ll keep you warm.” he says just above a whisper, almost like he doesn’t want anybody else to here.

She looks at the empty space between them and then at him. She sits up slightly and moves closer to his body. She lays her head back and feels his arm shift and his hand grabs hers.

She doesn’t move a muscle once she feels his hand in hers.

“You are cold.” He says as he moves even closer to her. “We could continue walking to keep you warm.”

To his surprise she shakes her head and smiles at him. “I’m ok. I want to stay here.”

He smiles and shifts so he’s laying on his side, facing her. The wind blows a strand of hair across her face and he reaches over and tucks it behind her ear.

“I know this might sound weird, but-” Justin starts to say. She turns to look at him.

“What?” she asks.

“Can I kiss you?” he blurts out. He shakes his head and slightly shifts away from her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked th-”

“Yeah,” she says quietly. He instantly stops rambling and looks at her.

She moves closer to him and he just stares at her lips. He moves so close to her face that she can feel his warm breath fan over her cheeks and she is no longer cold. His hand slips from hers and he brushes her chin with his thumb to guide her mouth to his. She closes her eyes when she feels his lips graze hers. Her lips are soft and taste like cherry chapstick. He pulls away and licks his lips to taste her. He smiles and dips down for another kiss, this time he spends some time sucking on her bottom lip.

He pulls away and opens his eyes and sees her laying underneath him with her eyes still closed. A content smile graces her features and he hair is spread out perfectly to frame her beautiful face. He leans down and kisses both her cheeks and runs his hand through her hair, lightly messaging her scalp with his finger tips.

When she finally opens her eyes she sees him smiling down at her. She can’t help the smile that forms on her face and turns into a laugh. She bits her lip nervously and looks at him with concern.

“It’s ok, you were perfect.” he says as he leans down again, but this time her kisses her collar bone and works his way up her neck to her jaw line. “Beautiful.” he whispers next to her ear. His fingers lightly move the strap of her dress and he kisses the area. Her breathing becomes heavier and he can tell she’s getting nervous. His hands grab her hips and he looks her in the eyes.

“Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you.” his statement helps her relax a little and she reaches for his hand. He intertwines their fingers and kisses her knuckles while looking at her in a way no guy ever has. He has this hunger in his eyes that she had never seen. “Follow me.” he says as he stands, never letting her hand go. They run to the bathroom building and he starts to kiss her neck again. He reaches for her dress straps and pulls the down so her bra was showing. He continues to push the dress down until he got to her hips. He places a kiss on her bare stomach and feels her tense up at his touch. “Relax” he whispers against her skin. He pushes the dress down and lets it fall to the ground.

He looks down at her underwear and sees Hello Kitty on them. He smiles up at her and she giggles nervously and tries to cover her underwear with her hands. He grabs her hands, “I like it.” She stands there as he tugs at the waistband of her boy shorts, pulling them down to expose her soft skin. She helps him by stepping out of them when they reach her feet and she shivers at the lack of clothing. He lifts her up and sits her on the counter. “Shit,” he says as he pulls away and reaches to lock the door to the bathroom. “That could have been bad.” He says as he brings his attention back to her body. His fingers reach for her clit and she shivers at his touch. She gasps when two fingers enter her. “You’re so tight and wet.” He moves his fingers in out slightly, she moans at the sensation and he smiles. He kisses her neck when her head falls back.

“Oh, Justin.” She moans as his fingers continue their work. “Don’t..... stop, please.” Her hand reaches down and grabs his wrist, as if to make him go faster but he just grabs it with his free hand and watches as she reaches her orgasm. Her body tenses up as she comes down from her high and when he finally removes his fingers from her body, she whimpers at the emptiness. She watches as he licks his fingers before leaning down and licking all her juices up. Her hand instantly goes to his hair when he lightly sucks on her clit. She reaches another orgasm a few minutes later and then leans against the mirror with a sigh.

“Wow,” is all she can get out. Her breathing is raged and her body is still shaking slightly. “I’ve never done that before.”

“Have someone finger you?” Justin says as he steps between her legs, placing his warm hands on her bare thighs.

“Well yeah, but I meant have an orgasm.”

Justin’s eyes widen at her statement. “Are you serious? You’ve never experienced an orgasm?”

She looks down slightly embarrassed, “no” she whispers.

“Don’t be embarrassed, we all have to go through the first time once. How was it?” he says with a smile.

“Amazing.” she says with a laugh. “I think I’m addicted.”

“Look at what I started” he says as he leans in to kiss her lips. “You were perfect.” he mumbles once they pull apart.

She hops off the counter and grabs her underwear and dress. She puts them back on and fixes her hair so she doesn’t look like she just got fucked.

Justin watches her the whole time, unlocks the door, and they continue on their way to her house like nothing happened. The only difference is that now they were holding hands and walking a little closer.

It’d be such a shame
If they never meet
She sounds lovely
He sounds right out of a dream

Raina runs into her algebra class and sits in front of her best friend. Miranda turns and looks at her with concern.

“Where were you last night? I called like twenty times.” Miranda whispers from behind Raina.

Raina silently curses herself for not calling Miranda back when she got home, but it was late and she was sure her friend would be asleep. “I was busy with homework. That chemistry was killer.”

Liar, liar
You're such a great big liar
With the tallest tales that I have ever heard
Fire, fire
You set my soul on fire
Laughing in the corner as it burns
Right between the ribs is sinking in

Miranda just looks at her oddly, “Yeah, ok. You could have at least texted me so I didn’t have to worry. Also, don’t forget about Peter’s party tonight.”

Raina had forgotten. She usually doesn’t forget things like that, but lately she was not with it. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“I can come pick you up.” Miranda says cheerfully.

“No,” Raina replies a little more harshly than she expected. “I mean, I’ll.... I can just walk.”

“It’s like 8 miles!”

“I babysit before the party so I’ll be closer.”

“You’re always babysitting those brats. Can’t the parents take care of them?”

“They’re busy. They both work.” Raina says trying to convince Miranda.

“Yeah, -” Miranda starts but is cut off by the bell. She doesn’t finish her sentence but instead passes Raina a note.

Raina discreetly opens the note:

He just wants some.

She sighs and writes her response. She isn’t sure if she should tell her friend about what happened last night, but she knows for sure that she doesn’t want Justin to get in trouble and if she told anybody it might get out.

You know I’d never do that. I could get Grace for him.

She passes the note back and smiles when she hears Miranda laugh slightly. The teacher glances at them and they stop laughing. The last thing Raina needs is for her mom to have to come in for a conference.

Oh, the sirens sing so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh, oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown
Anyone would drown

-------------------------------

“And then she kept talking about us.” Raina says as her and Justin sit on his couch. “I didn’t know what to say.” She looks to him and he just smiles.

Raina called Justin after school and he told her she could come over since the girls are away at their grandma’s for the night and Jaime is on a business trip. She wasn’t sure if she should but before she knew it, she was at his door step and there was no turning back at that point.

“Did you tell her?” Justin asks as he dumps some chips into a bowl. He picks up the bowl and offers Raina some.

“No, I don’t want you getting in trouble. I know this isn’t exactly legal and I’m not stupid enough to trust Miranda with a secret.” She grabs some chips. “Especially not a secret like that.”

“You know I don’t regret last night, right?” Justin says as he looks at her. She looks so vulnerable and he almost cringes when he thinks about how old she is. “I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t sure it was the right thing.”

“But it wasn’t.” She says, “You know that was wrong. On so many levels.”

“It didn’t feel wrong.”

Sick and tired of this mad desire
Fluttering aside me like a hawk
Wire wire
Got my hands on wires
Will heaven help you when I get them out?

“I don’t care how it felt. The cops don’t care about how you felt. They only care about what you and I did.” She turns towards him, “What if it gets out and we get caught? We have to stop. We can’t do that again.”

Justin reaches for her hand, but she pulls it away and wraps it around herself. “Nothings going to get out. Who would tell?”

“The girls.”

Justin laughs at her statement. He knows that the girls are oblivious to their relationship.

“Don’t laugh, I’m serious. Kendell is old enough to pick up on that stuff.” She holds her arms tightly against her stomach and curls into a ball. “I’m scared.” She whispers as her eyes well up.

Justin shifts and pulls her closer to him. His arms wrap around her small body and she instinctively wraps her arms around his waist. Her face rests on his chest and she can hear his breathing and it calms her, slightly.

“Nothing’s going to happen.” He whispers into her hair. “You have to trust me.”

She wipes her eyes and lifts her head to look at him. “I do.”

He leans forward and kisses her nose and then kisses her lips. He smiles when he hears her moan softly. She pulls away and frowns.

“What’s wrong?” he asks and brushes hair from her face.

“I don’t appreciate the laughing.” She says as she crosses her arms over her chest with a huff. “It’s not helping.”

“Sorry, you’re just so cute when you moan like that.” He lightly kisses her lips. “I love it.”

“Shut up,” she says as she rolls off of his lap and lays down on the couch. “I -” she starts but is interrupted by his cell phone ringing.

“Sorry, I have to take this, it’s Jaime’s mom.” He says as he stands up.

“That’s ok, I’m going to get going anyways. Thanks” she says as she stands and he pulls her close and kisses her.

“You’re welcome. See you later.” he says before letting her go and walking into the kitchen. “Hi Nancy, how are the girls?” she hears him say as she closes the door behind.

She walks towards the corner and starts to think about all the things that could go wrong with her and Justin. What if he accidently tells someone? What if Jaime installs cameras in the house? What if my mom finds out? She stops walking and tells herself that she has to stop thinking like that.

She makes it to Peter’s house in record time and sees Miranda walking up to the house.

“Hey,” Miranda says as she waves to Raina. “How was babysitting?”

“Fine,” Raina says with a smile.

“Why are you smiling like that?”

“Like what? I’m just happy to be at this party.”

“You look like you just made out or something.” Miranda squints her eyes at her friend “You keeping secrets from me? Because if I find out that you are, you will be dead.”

Miranda turns and walks into the house, with Raina close behind. “No secrets.” she mumbles as they enter the party.

All the ships go down
Following the sound
All the ships go down

Oh oh the siren sang so sweet and watched the sailors go down
Oh oh oh, you talk to me in siren song
Yeah, anyone would drown

“Kendell, your mom will be home any minute and you still don’t have your pajamas on.” Raina says as she picks up some of the toys on the girl’s bed. “Hurry up and get changed.”

Kendell gets up from her princess chair and stands with her arms crossed, “Mommy said I don’t have to listen to you.” She stomps her feet as she walks towards Raina.

“She told me that you have to be in bed by the time she gets back.” The little girl hits Raina’s leg. “Kendell, I’m going to send you to time out if you don’t stop hitting me and get your pajamas on now.” Raina says as she grabs the toddlers hands and turns her around so that she can guide her to the closet.

“I hate you.” Kendell yells as she puts on her tweety bird pajamas. “You are no fun and you smell.”

Raina tries to keep from laughing as she gathers Kendell’s dirty clothes and follows the child to her bed. “Good night,”

“No good night to you.” Kendell yells from behind the closed door.

Raina shakes her head in disbelief when she thinks back on how stubborn Kendell was tonight. The girl wouldn’t do anything she told her to.

Raina walks down to the kitchen and washes up the the counters and the rest of the dirty dishes. Jamie will be home any moment and she has to have the house how it was left. Which isn’t too much to ask, it’s just that when Kendell acts out the tasks all become more difficult.

Jamie comes home 10 minutes later, “Hi, how were the girls?” she asks as she sets her bag down on the table.

“Fine, except Kendell was in an odd mood. She was very stubborn.” I say as I wipe down the last area of the counter. “She got to bed 15 minutes ago.”

“Yeah, she gets in these moods sometimes. Stubborn, just her father.” Jamie says with a knowing smile.

Raina smirks a little at the thought of Justin but quickly pushes him out of her head and focuses on Jaime. “Well, I better get going, I need to get home and do some homework.”

Jamie pays Raina and thanks her. Raina walks out and texts her mom letting her know that she’s done. Her mom doesn’t answer. So she begins to walk.

The walk was going fine until it started to pour. She pulled her hoodie tighter around her small frame and kept her head down as the water drenched her clothes.

I'm standing at your back porch baby
Come answer your door
I'll give you what you want little lady
Can't take any more

“Raina?” a voice said from a distance. She turned around and saw a car parking on the side of the road and the driver’s door opening. She kept walking to keep her distance, but stopped once she saw who it was.

“What are you doing here?” Justin asks as he walks up to her. “You’re going to get sick.”

She looks up from the ground and smiles when she feels him wrap his arm around her. “Going home.”

“Why are you walking in the rain? Didn’t Jamie offer to drive you?” he asks as he wipes a strand of wet hair from her forehead.

“She thought my mom was picking me up, but she isn’t home so I started walking.” she says with a shrug.

“Come on,” he says as they walk towards his car. “I’ll take you home.” He pushes her in front of him and places his hands on her shoulders, “Man, you are soaking wet,” he says as he pats her shoulders through the hoodie and t-shirt.

“Yeah, that’s what happens when it rains.” She says with a smart-ass grin.

He smiles and turns her around, pushing her up against the car door. “Don’t be a jerk.” he says has he leans down and kisses her lips roughly. “It’s not nice.”

He pulls away a little and kisses her chin and neck. “Justin....” she mumbles as her eyes slowly roll back along with her head. “We can’t......” He doesn’t stop. He continues to kiss her neck and his hands push her hood off and run through her hair. “J, please...” she whispers as he pushes his lips on hers again. This time the kiss is gentle and caring. “It’s raining...” she tries, but it’s no use.

“Thanks captain obvious,” Justin says with a laugh. He pulls away and opens the backseat door. Raina looks at him with a disapproving glare. “Get in.” he says as he motions towards the door.

I'm creeping through your hallway darling
Coming to make you sweat
I'll make it to your bedroom, honey
I can make you wet

“I’m not having sex with you.” She says crossing her arms, not caring about the rain anymore.

“Fine, we’ll fucking drive somewhere. Just get in the car.” He stands there and waits for her to answer. She is taking forever so he shuts the door and walks around to the drivers door, gets in, and turns the ignition on.

Raina quickly moves and opens the passenger's door and slips into the seat. She looks over at Justin and sees he’s upset. “I’m sorry.” she mumbles as she pushes the zipper up and down on her hoodie. “I didn’t mean it that wa-”

“Well then what way did you fucking mean?” Justin interrupts, but he doesn’t even look at her.

“I just don’t want to have sex out in the open like that.”

“We fucked in a park bathroom.” he states harshly.

“I....I know.” She hangs her head and tears well up in her eyes. She takes her long hoodie sleeve and wipes them away the best she can.

Justin doesn’t say anything, instead he puts the car in gear and starts to drive. It isn’t until Raina lifts her head that she realizes he isn’t taking her home. She becomes nervous and scared at what he might do to her. “Where are we going?” she asks quietly.

“Somewhere.” Justin replies without emotion.

20 minutes later he pulls into a parking lot that’s connected to a hotel and gets out. He walks to the door and stops when he notices she hasn’t gotten out. “Are you coming?” he asks loudly so she can hear him in the car.

She looks at the hotel and then at Justin and unbuckles her seat belt. She slowly gets out and walks next to him as they make their way into the lobby. Justin checks in and they walk up to the room. He opens the door and they walk into the cold, dark room. Raina wraps her arms around herself and instantly feels like she’s back out in the rain.

Justin walks up behind her and wraps his arms around her waist. “This private enough?” he whispers in her ear.

She nods and gasps when she feels her feet leaves the floor. He sets her on the bed and then crawls on top of her. She looks up at him in fear and he stops all movement.
“What’s wrong?” he asks as he looks her in the eyes.

“Don’t hurt me.” she mumbles as tears run down her face. “Please, I didn’t mean it.”

“I wouldn’t dare hurt you. You mean too much to me.” He says as he unzips her hoodie and lifts her t-shirt over her head. He kisses her stomach and smiles as he unhooks her bra. “You pulled quite the act back there. Pretending like you didn’t want me.” he stops kissing her and looks at her face. “You want me, don’t you?”

She nods slightly and never breaks eye contact. She closes her eyes as he leans down and kisses her lips again. She can feel the apprehension and nerves building up in her stomach. She tries to ignore the uneasy feeling, but it becomes impossible when her stomach turns on her. “Move,” she tells him as she pushes at his shoulders. “Move, now.” she says as she grabs her stomach and covers her mouth with her other hand. She runs towards the bathroom and slams the door.

Justin falls on the bed with a sigh when he hears her throwing up. He slowly gets up and walks to the door knocking on it softly. “You alright?” he asks. He cringes when the sounds of her coughing make it through the door. “Need anything?”

I'm knocking at your back porch baby
Come answer the door
I'm giving you what you want little lady
Can't take any more

The door opens and she stands there, never looking at him. “I’m sorry.” she mumbles into her chest. “I know you wanted to, you know, tonight and I just couldn’t handle it and it wasn’t like it was the f-” she rambles on, but stops when she feels his finger under her chin.

“It’s ok.” he gives her a reassuring smile and kisses her forehead. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier when I picked you up.”

She mumbles something into his shirt as she hugs him close and closes her eyes, relaxing against him.

“You tired?” he asks as he pulls away slightly.

“Yeah, Kendell wore me out today.” She says as she looks down and realizes she doesn’t have a shirt on. “I’m cold.” she whispers as they walk back to the bed. Justin hands her the shirt she had been wearing and they both stand there just staring at each other.

“You want to stay here for the night?” he finally asks. She can tell he isn’t sure what to do, and neither is she.

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea.” she mumbles as she grabs her hoodie and slips it on. “My mom will be wondering...” her train of thought gets lost when Justin pulls her close and starts kissing her lips. The kiss is light, but somehow still very rough. Raina moans when she feels Justin’s hands rub against her back and slip under her waist band. They pull apart and Raina doesn’t look at Justin. “I have to go.” She says as she grabs her bag and make sure she has her phone.

“What?” Justin asks as he follows her to the door. “Why?” He asks as she opens the door and turns to shut it behind her. “Raina, stop.” he grabs her wrist and she finally looks up at him. “What are you doing?”

“Leaving,” she mumbles after blinking away the tears that were on the verge of falling. “I can’t be this person anymore.”

Justin shakes his head in confusion, but never let’s go of her wrist. “What?”

“I’m a horrible person. I get paid to sleep with you. I’m a prostitute.” She says as she realizes what she’s been doing with Justin these past weeks.

“What are you talking about? You are not a prostitute. You’re a beautiful young woman and you are so loving and car-”
“Stop!” she yells at him. It’s the first time he’s heard her yell and it shocks him. “I don’t know who I am anymore. Raina doesn’t do stuff like this. Raina would be at home studying for the test she has tomorrow, not sleeping with the father of the children she babysits.” She let’s the tears fall down that she’d been holding in. “I don’t know who this is, but it isn’t me.” She says as Justin let’s her wrist fall from his grip.

Justin reaches for her, but she backs away and shakes her head. “Raina, please don’t do this.”

“Do what?” She asks wiping away her tears. “The right thing? The logical thing? This isn’t right, and you know that.” She looks around to see if anybody is in the hallway with her. “I’m only 16. We can’t be together.”

“Says who?”

She laughs at his question. “Says the government. You can get in huge trouble for what we’re doing. We need to stop before we...” she trails off and looks away from him.

“Before we what? Have sex?” When he says ‘sex’ Raina cringes and tries to pull her wrists from his grasp. “I can’t believe you haven’t admitted it yet.” he says with a slight laugh.

“Admit what?” she asks looking at him annoyed. She’s surprising herself with how forward she’s being.

“That you care about me. I’ve been showering you with compliments and buying you gifts for the past 4 weeks and you haven’t yet returned any of the favors or compliments. You can’t admit to yourself that you feel something.”

“Neither can you.” she mumbles as tears still fall down her face.

Justin stops and let’s go of her wrists. He kneels down in front of her and looks up at her. “I care about you Raina. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be kneeling on this nasty floor and I wouldn’t have kissed you that night at the park.” He places his hands on her hips and pulls her a little closer. “I love the way you act shy around people and when you’re nervous you tuck your hair behind your ear and look at the floor.” He stops and smiles when she reaches back and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “I know it’s not the right time or place to tell you, but I think I’m in too deep. I can’t give up on you because I care way too much.”

“Justin, please don’t.” she whispers as she reaches out for his face. “Don’t say it.”

He stands up and grabs her waist and pulls her against him. He can here her crying into his chest and he can’t help but wonder if she’s changed her mind since she’s still here with him. He leans down and kisses the top of her head. “I love you.” he mumbles into her hair.

And that’s the moment everything changed.

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows
:::::

I love you

The words echo in Raina’s head as she tries to concentrate on the test sitting on her desk.

How can he love me? Why did this happen? He can’t possible have meant it, it’s not right and I’m only 16. She thinks to herself as she taps her pencil on the desk. So much for getting an A on this one, she’ll be lucky if she even finishes.

Justin confessed the biggest thing last night and right after they slept together. Raina was hesitant, but she just couldn’t say no. Her mind was yelling as he guided her back to the bed and continued to kiss and touch her, but for some reason her voice neglected to say the right answers and now Raina can’t think of anything but last night.

She got home around 3 am and she tried to look over her notes, but all she saw on the notebook pages was her and Justin in bed. Waking up this morning was quite the chore and Cynthia became worried when Raina locked herself in the bathroom for an hour. Raina claimed she was getting ready, but Cynthia could here her daughter crying softly.

“Hey,” Miranda says as she passes Raina’s desk “the bell rang.”

Raina looks around the classroom and sees that everybody else had left. She glances down at her test and sees that she tried to answer only one question. They stand up and walk towards the teacher’s desk.

Mrs. Safro takes the tests and looks up at Raina with concern. “You didn’t answer any of them.”

“I’m a bit distracted.” Raina says with a sigh trying not to picture Justin topless and kissing her. “A lot on my mind.”

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died


“I would say you can retake it, but I’m not sure since grades are due tomorrow. This final is 40% of your grade.” Mrs. Safro knows that Raina isn’t usually like this. Raina is a star student and always at the top of the class, or at least she used to be. “Are you free tomorrow after school? You can come in and retake it then.”

Raina mentally runs through her schedule and nods her head, “yeah, that should be fine. Thanks.” she says before leaving with Miranda not far behind.

“What the hell?” Miranda mumbles as she pushes past other students in the hallway. “You ok?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why not?”

“You never fail a test. What’s gotten into you?” Miranda says looking sideways at her friend. “You’ve changed.”

“And you’re overdramatic. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“No, you’ve definitely changed. I tried calling you again last night, but your mom said you weren’t home. If you weren’t home and you weren’t with me, where were you?” Miranda says as she opens her locker and throws her books in her backpack.

“I was out.”

“Till 1 am?” Raina rolls her eyes at the question. “Don’t roll your eyes, your mom was worried.” Miranda says as she faces her best friend “so was I.”

“Well, stop worrying, I’m fine.” She says as she swings her backpack over her shoulder. “Plus I got in at 3 am not 1 am.” she mumbles to herself as she slams her locker shut.

Miranda leans closer, “what was that?”

“I got in at 3, not 1.” Raina says before walking down the hall, away from her best friend and not even waiting for a reaction.

She walks to her house and on the way she stops at the local starbucks and picks up a mocha to sip on as she makes the long journey home. She smiles when she thinks about last night and she can’t stop thinking about Justin’s confession.

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

“You in there?” a voice says from behind her. She stops walking and turns to see Jamie making her way to Raina. Raina looks around and notices that she is indeed already in front of the Timberlake residence. She smiles at Jamie and shrugs.

“I’m just in a zone. Last night was crazy.”

“You keeping busy?” Jamie asks as she fixes the blanket that’s covering Hannah’s tiny legs as she sits in a stroller. “Studying?”

“Something like that.” Raina says as she watches Kendell run towards the two. “Need help?”

Jamie smiles at Raina offer, “that would be great. Are you heading home?”

Raina nods as she grabs Kendell’s hand.

“I just wanted to take them for a walk before Justin got home. He usually does it but I thought I wou-” Jamie stops in mid-sentence and sighs. “Guess I can never win.”
Raina turns to see Justin pulling into the driveway. She smiles as he gets out and Kendell runs over to him. He twirls her around and then makes his way towards the group.

“Where you running off to?” he says looking at Jamie and then smiling slightly at Raina.

“I was going to take them for a walk so you wouldn’t have to worry about it when you got home, but you showed up early.” Jamie says as she kisses Justin on the cheek. “Want to take them? Raina offered to help.”

Justin glances at Raina in surprise when he hears the last part. “Yeah, I would love to take the girls out for awhile. You need some time apart from them.” He leans over and kisses Jamie’s forehead and Raina shudders and tries to look anywhere but at them.

Jamie smiles at Raina and thanks her and then turns and returns to the house. Justin turns to the three girls and he smiles happily. “My favorite daughters and babysitter.” he says innocently and Kendell and Hannah giggle, but Raina knows the alternative meaning.

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

She smirks internally as the begin their walk. Kendell grabs Raina’s hand and Raina can’t help but feel like they are a little family. She looks at Justin as he pushes Hannah in the stroller and she smiles as he moves his sunglasses from the top of his head to cover his eyes. He looks over at her and smiles in return.

“Kendell, you want to stop at the playground?” he asks without looking at his daughter.

“Yeah!” the little girl yells as she pulls on Raina’s hand towards the playground. “Come on!”

Raina laughs, “I think I might stay behind, you go ahead.” Kendell lets go of her hand and runs towards the swings. “So much energy.” she says more to herself.

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Justin says as he walks up next to her and unbuckles Hannah. He picks her up and sets her down patting her small behind, silently telling her to go play.

They stand there watching as Hannah runs off and tries to join her older sister, but Kendell is off making friends of her own.

“You’re awfully quiet.” Justin says softly as he looks at Raina.

She shrugs, “I’ve got nothing to say.”

He smiles and Raina isn’t sure what to do. “Come here.” he says motioning for her to step closer to him. He stands behind the stroller, blocking anybodies view from his hand as he grabs her hand and squeezes it. He looks at her and smiles as she looks down at their hands and then up at him. “I won’t bite.”

“That’s a lie.” she mumbles as she looks towards the playground.

Justin laughs at her response and leans closer to her so that her shoulder is hitting his upper arm. “You liked it.” he whispers into her ear.

She squirms when she feels his breath on her neck. He’s too close and she knows this is not the place to show affection. “Keep it in your pants.” she says pulling away and patting his shoulder with her free hand. “The girls will see us.” she says as she tries to pry her hand out of his, but his grip is too strong.

“They aren’t paying attention to us.” He says as he leans forward, resting his elbows on the stroller and bringing her hand out into the open, with his own. He lifts her hand and kisses her knuckles lovingly. “I love you.” he whispers into her hair, looking as if he’s just glancing around the park.

And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you've done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

She sighs and just stares ahead, not even watching the girls anymore. She can’t. Not when she has him doing all this crazy stuff to her. Without fully thinking it through, she leans against him and rest her head on his shoulder. The girls run towards the couple and hardly notice how close they are.

“I’m hungry,” Kendell whines as she sits on the bench near by.  

“Well then let’s go get some food.” He picks up the little girl and she giggles as he tosses her up in the air. “How’s McDonald’s sound?”

“Can I get the toy food, daddy?” the girl asks as her eyes light up at the thought of a toy.

“Toy Food?” Raina says with a laugh. “I think you mean happy meal.”

Justin laughs at the girls exchange. “Babe, you can get what ever you want.” he says as he kisses Kendell’s cheek. “Just don’t tell mommy.” he adds as he places her on the ground.

“Come on Hannah.” Raina yells to the little girl still on the playground. “You hungry?”

Hannah nods and climbs into the stroller.

“Let’s head out!” Justin yells as he pushes the stroller and looks at Kendell and Raina walking next to him. He smiles when Kendell and Raina run ahead racing each other to the stop sign. Of course Raina let’s Kendell win, which results in loud cheers and a giant smile from the little girl.

“Did you see me run fast, daddy?” she says as Justin catches up to the two.
“Hardly. You were running so fast is was just a blur!” He kisses her head. “Grab Raina’s hand while you cross.” He says as they look for traffic and then continue on their way.

Raina and Kendell start singing Miss Mary Mack and Justin can’t help but smile when he sees the smile on both their faces. Raina turns to look at him and catches him watching her. She raises an eyebrow in question but doesn’t say anything.

They make it to the restaurant and choose a booth. Justin goes to get the food leaving Raina and the girls alone at the table.

“Did you like the playground?” Raina asks as she fixes Hannah’s pigtails.

“Yes! I love it!” Kendell says, “Daddy said I can have the toy meal!” she adds as she kneels on the bench looking for Justin.

“I know. Don’t worry, he’ll be back. What was your favorite part of the park?”

Kendell taps her chin with her finger as she tries to think of the day. “When I went down the slide. It was fast like this.” she says as she moves her hand through the air. “I screamed loud.”

“I heard you.” Raina says with a laugh.

They sit in silence for a few seconds and then Kendell looks at Raina again. “Why was daddy kissing your hand, like he does to mommy?”

Raina’s eyes get bigger at the girl’s question. She didn’t think Kendell saw that. She tries to think of something that will satisfy the little girls curiosity. “Well,” she starts as Justin gets to the table with a tray full of food.

“Soups on!” he says as he passes the girls their happy meals and sits next to Kendell.

Raina let’s out a sigh as Kendell becomes distracted with her brand new toy.

“You have to eat the food.” Justin says as he opens the toys for the girls. He starts to eat his own food and looks at Raina oddly. She hasn’t touched her food yet, it’s still on the tray. “You ok?” he asks biting into this hamburger.

“Yeah,” she says shaking her head and smiling before grabbing her food. “Just got side tracked about something.”

Justin nods slightly, but Raina knows he didn’t buy the excuse. He reaches under the table and rubs her knee softly. She almost chokes on her soda when she feels his hand.

“Drink much?” Justin asks sarcastically as Raina recovers from her coughing attack.

“Shut up,” she mutters under breath.

“Oooo, you said a bad word! Mommy said we can’t say that.” Kendell says knowingly as she looks to Justin.

Justin nods, agreeing with his daughter. “Yeah Raina, that’s a bad word.”

Raina just rolls her eyes and Justin laughs.

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows




                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shotty cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

“You aren’t listening to me.” Raina says as she sets her pencil aside and looks down at her unfinished homework. “She clearly saw us and we need to stop.”

Justin doesn’t say anything, but Raina can hear somebody talking in the background. “Yeah, I’ll be there in 20.”

Raina sighs, she knows that’s just code so Jamie doesn’t get suspicious of who he’s talking to on the phone. It had been 3 weeks since Raina was questioned by Kendell and Raina insisted that her and Justin stop seeing each other for awhile. Justin was more than a little upset, but Raina knew it was for the best.

Now she’s sitting on the phone with Justin. Trying to get him to make an agreement to stop fooling around but it’s not working.

“I know that Jamie is in the room, but I just have to tell you that you are really selfish right now. You are acting like a toddler that didn’t get his toy. You have an amazing family and you should be happy with them, why are you giving that all up to be with me?  I’m nobody and you know that.”

She hears him walking somewhere. Probably a different room.

“I was really starting to fall for your stupid crap, but since I’ve stepped back and took a look at what we are doing, I’ve realized how bad and messed up it is. We never talk anymore, it’s like all you care about anymore is the sex and that when I did see you the two times in the last month all we did was fool around in bed. I just think we should stop now, before one of us gets hurt.” Raina finishes with a large exhale and leans back in her desk chair. She can feel the knot growing in her throat.

“You will never understand or realize how much you mean to me.” Justin whispers into the phone. “It’s not about the sex, it’s not about any of that. It’s about who you are and how innocent and refreshing you are. If I only wanted sex, I wouldn’t be hiding in this closest and I wouldn’t call just to see what happened with you today. If you want to stop, we can, but I just have to see you one last time.”

She sighs and her mind is telling her to say no, but instead a soft “ok” comes out.

They say goodbye and Justin says he’ll be at the park nearby and they agree to meet there.

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses

: : : : :

Raina pulls her sweater closer as she walks up to Justin, who is sitting on a bench looking out over the small pond. “Hi,” she mutters hardly looking at him.

He smiles and pats the spot next to him. “Sit, I have some things I need to say.”

She sits, but makes sure there is enough room between them. “What?”

Justin rubs the back of his neck and looks over at her unsure of where to start. “I’m not sure how you’re going to take this, but I have to say it anyways.”

Raina looks over at him confused. “Ok,” she says urging him to continue.

“It may be a surprise to you but Jamie was always the only woman I had ever loved and then you came along and I was confused because I fell in love with you so damn fast. I thought that was impossible, but I realized I fell in love so fast because you are an amazing young woman.” He stops and looks at her. It’s dark out, but she can see the tears that are threatening to fall.

“Justin,” she grabs his hands “stop. Please don’t do this. You’re just making this harder than it has to be.” She rubs his knuckles softly and watches as he turns to look at the water instead of her. “I know you love me and I’m sorry if this is killing you, but you have to know this is wrong.” She let’s go of his hands and smoothes her skirt out. “I’m going to go home.” She whispers as she puts a hand on his shoulder. “Please don’t be upset, just remember how much I care for you.”

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

“If you cared you’d stay.”

“If you loved me as much as you claim, you’d let me go.” She stands up. “I’ll see you around.” She says as she walks away.

She doesn’t look over her shoulder. She doesn’t pause to rethink her decision. She doesn’t stop to let him stop her. She just walks straight back to her house and finishes her homework.

Saying it was easy to walk away from Justin would be a lie but Raina knew that it was the best thing. Their relationship was affecting her grades and her mom was starting to wonder about why they needed her to babysit so much.

Raina walks to her closet and looks at the calender hanging on the door. The word DANCE! in all red gets her attention and she remembers when Justin bought the dress for her and she stopped at his house to show him before heading to the dance. He was so happy to see her in the dress. He couldn’t stop smiling, but he wasn’t too thrilled about her date being there.

“Why’s he here?” Justin mumbles as he looks over Raina’s shoulder as she walks in the door.

She smiles, “Cause he’s my date, Justin.” She hugs him lightly and pulls away before her date gets suspicious “Justin this is Ryan, Ryan this is Justin. He paid for my dress.”

Ryan puts out his hand and Justin stares at him for a few seconds before shaking it. “You better be home before 2 am.” Justin says as he glares at Ryan. “No parties afterwards.”

“Ok, dad.” Raina says jokingly. Justin turns to glare at her, but his expression softens without him realizing.

“Don’t make me rethink this.” Justin says jokingly.

Ryan stands there confused by their exchange. “I think we need to get going or we may be late.” He touches Raina’s arm to guide her towards the door and he can instantly feel Justin’s eyes on him. “It was nice meeting you, Justin.”

“Nice to meet you too. R - Rai - You look very nice together.” Justin says as they make their way out the door. Raina doesn’t say anything but she smiles over the fact that Justin had stumbled over his words.

That night was the first night Raina had seen Justin get jealous of another guy. Ryan kept asking Raina if she was somehow related to Justin, because he was confused as to why Justin would have just bought her a dress and then wanted her to stop by so he could see it on her. She tried to make up a reason, something like he felt bad that she couldn’t get the dress she wanted, she even went as far to lie about his job and say he was with a company that sponsored young ladies so they could go to dances.

It was a lot of work to keep that lie straight all night, she was happy when the night was over and Ryan dropped her at home. That was the same night that Justin texted her and then had called her at least 3 times at exactly 2 am to make sure she was home.

Raina and him ended up talking on the phone for hours, about everything. Mostly about them. Raina sits on the edge of her bed and sighs as she remembers that weekend.

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

That weekend was the most special and emotional weekend she had ever had. That was the weekend they first had sex and that Sunday morning Justin dropped the bomb about him leaving town for the next two weeks. Raina was devastated that he would choose to tell her then and even more upset that they had slept together right before he left.

Looking back on it she just laughs because nothing happened. They talked on the phone almost everyday and he came back the same person he was before he left. She had it in her mind that he would come back completely different.

Raina rubs her eyes as she lays back on her bed and stares up at the ceiling. She still can’t believe she left Justin and told him what she really thought about their situation. The whole time she knew it was wrong, but he was just too much and she couldn’t say no, but then her mind cleared and she realized what they really were. Justin kept saying he loved her, but she could see right through him.

“It was always about the sex,” she mumbles to herself.

“No, it’s about how much I love you.”

She sits up quickly and sees Justin standing in her bedroom doorway.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

He walks up to the bed, “I couldn’t let you get away.”

“That is the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard.” she says standing next to her bed. “You’re pathetic.”

“I don’t care. I love you and I care about you. I can’t let you leave.”

“Like I said before, if you really cared, you’d let me go.”

He walks towards her and places a hand on her shoulder. She tries to shrug it off, but he just replaces it. “Stop running.” He whispers.

She is looking anywhere but in his eyes. He places a hand on her cheek and she subconsciously leans into him.

“I love you so much. It hurts me to see struggling. I promise I won’t hurt you, ever.” he whispers as he pulls her against him. He wraps his arms around her small frame and kisses the top of her head.

She quickly backs up and shakes her head, “No, it’s not that easy. You can’t just make things better by telling me you love me and making promises that you won’t keep.” She takes a deep breath and walks out of her room before Justin can say anything.

She walks into the kitchen and stops in her tracks “Mom!? I thought you were at work.” she says as her mom takes a sip of coffee.

“Nope, I came home about 15 minutes ago, right as Mr. Timberlake showed up.” her mom sets her mug down and turns to look at her daughter. “What’s going on, honey?”

Raina’s eyes move from her mom to the floor and the back quickly. “Nothing, mom.”

“I heard you yelling at him just now. You need to tell me what’s going on.” She can tell her mom already has an idea of what’s happening, but Raina knows her mom has no clue how much the two have them have done.

Raina swallows hard and closes her eyes for two seconds. “I don’t know how it happened.” she says just above a whisper. She can’t even look her mom in the eyes as she says it. “I don’t remember how it started.” Her eyes cloud over and suddenly she can feel tears on her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

“You have to stop crying because I can’t understand you. I want to help, but I don’t know what’s wrong.” her mom says as she guides her daughter to sit in the chair across from her. She gasps and quickly asks, “Did Justin touch you? You can tell me if he did, you won’t get in trouble, honey.”

Raina shakes her head and continues to cry into her hands. “I never stopped him, that’s the problem.” she says through tears.

“Ok, you need to start from the beginning, because I have no idea what happened.”

Raina sniffles and wipes her nose with her sleeve. She tries to take a deep breath, but she chokes up halfway through. “I... Ju....” she stops when she feels the urge to throw up. She swallows the feeling down and tucks her hair behind her ears. “I’ve been sleeping with Justin.” she murmurs as fast as humanly possible.

“Excuse me?!”

Raina can’t stop crying as her mom looks at her with disgust.

“You’re having sex with Justin? Is that what you just said?”

Raina nods in response, because she knows she won’t be able to find her voice.

“For how long?” Her mom asks as she turns her coffee cup and takes a sip.

“That’s non of you business.”

“Are you sick or delusional?” her mom stands up and walks towards her putting a hand on Raina’s forehead. “You, my sixteen year old daughter, have been sleeping with a guy who is at least thirteen years older, has two kids, is married, and you’re telling me that’s non of my business?” Her mom is practically yelling. Raina cringes at all the hard cold facts her mom is yelling out. It sounds horrible when it’s put in such a way. “I think it’s all my business.” she finishes up.

“I’m an adult-”

“No, Raina, you aren’t. You know why, because adults wouldn’t do such stupid things!”

“Just stop yelling and listen to me.” Raina whines as her mom sits back down. Raina can see she is furious.

“Fine, you have the floor.” her mom says as calm as possible considering the state she’s in.

Raina takes a deep breath and then begins, “I’m in an adult situation. I don’t know how it got to this and I can’t seem to get out of it.” she pauses and closes her eyes when she feels tears. “I want to go back to being a normal sixteen year old. I don’t want the filthy cash I earned. I just want...” she stops and wipes her nose and eyes. “I just want you to be proud of me again.” She can’t control the sobs that come out as she finishes her sentence.

Her mom doesn’t move, “You got paid to sleep with him?”

Raina nods slightly, “It started out as babysitting, but then I did less and less actual babysitting and he kept paying me the same.” She cries even harder as the realization washes over her.

“I can’t believe you. Why would you throw everything away for some low life guy?” her mom can’t stand to look at her. “You never answered my question, how long has it been going on?”

“For....for about 6 mon...months.” Raina says between sniffles.

“6 months!” her mom yells as she stands up and brushes past Raina. “I’m going to kill him.” she mumbles as she pulls on her jacket and grabs her keys.

“Mom,” Raina yells trying to stop her mom. “Mom!”

Cynthia turns and looks at her daughter. “You need to shut up and go to your room. I don’t want to hear anything from you all night.” Then she gathers her phone and walks out the door.

Raina wipes her eyes and immediately turns to run up to her room. “Justin?” she yells as she opens the door. He’s sitting on her bed with his head in his hands. He gets up when he sees her and pulls her into a hug.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbles into her neck. “I promised nobody would find out, I promised I would never hurt you and I broke both promises.”

She shifts and pulls away, “I don’t care about that. My mom just went over to your house to find you.”

“Oh man!” Justin says as she quickly pulls out his phone and dials Jamie’s number. “Shit.” he mumbles as it goes to voicemail. He tries again and this time she picks up.

“Hey,” he says quietly. “I need to tell you something and it’s real important you listen carefully.” he takes a deep breath. “Raina’s mom is on her way over and she is very upset.”

Raina can hear Jamie  asking why the hell Cynthia is upset.

“Just listen, ok. She’s upset because she found out Raina and I have been sleeping together.” He says it all in one breath and is surprised at how it just flowed out.

Raina cringes when she hears Jamie yelling at him. She walks up behind him and wraps her arms around him, pulling him close.

She’s suddenly aware that he’s all she has right now.

And through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

When I was a boy I didn't care 'bout a thing
It was me and this world and a broken dream
I was blaming myself for all that was going wrong

I was way out there on the wrong side of town
And the ones that I loved I started pushing 'em out
Then I realized that it was all my fault


Raina sighs as the car pulls into the Hilton parking lot. It’s currently 3:14 am and she is exhausted from the previous nights events. After her mom went out on a killing mission, she returned empty handed at that point Raina and Justin had already left. She wasn’t sure if running away was the best idea, but she definitely didn’t want to talk to her mom all night.

“Rai,” Justin says softly as he unbuckles his seat belt. “We’re here.”

He thought she was sleeping, that’s how exhausted she was. Getting all her belongings together and into Justin’s car in less than an hour was the most tiring thing. After packing everything up, Justin and her travelled 2 hours to a city where nobody would find them.

Justin gets out of the car and starts grabbing her luggage and she follows close behind. They grab all four bags and make their way across the dark parking lot. When they make it into the hotel, it smells of cleaning supplies and chlorine. Raina can hardly keep her eyes open as Justin checks in to their room. They make their way to the room and quietly get ready for bed.

Raina slips under the covers of the tightly made bed and shivers as the cold sheets hit her exposed arms and legs. The smell of chlorine is even in the pillows and she softly moans as she rolls on her side and cuddles into the pillow, willing herself to go to sleep.

“You good?” Justin asks as he walks from the bathroom and sees her already in bed. “You want me to sleep on the couch?”

Raina shakes her head and rolls over to look at him. He’s standing on her side of the bed and even though the light is low, she can tell he is just as tired as she is. She lifts the blankets slightly and Justin crawls over her. “You couldn’t walk around?” she asks as his knee hits her side.

“No, because I wanted to do this,” he says as he grabs her waist and rolls her on top of him. He kisses her lips and smiles when she rests her head on his chest.

“Let’s just sleep.” Raina mumbles as she closes her eyes and wraps her arms around his middle.

Justin kisses her hair as he smoothes his hands down her back and pulls her closer. “I love you, baby.”

Raina cringes slightly when she hears “baby”. He doesn’t usually use pet names or anything like that, so having him say it now caught her off guard. She pretends not to hear him and continues to lay their with her eyes shut. She feels him begin to relax and soon he is asleep and she is still awake.

She opens her eyes and looks across the room at the window. She never thought she would be in a situation like this. She can feel Justin start to shift so that her back is against his front. His arms never leave her waist. His lips touch the back of her neck and he lightly kisses her. Chills run up her spine when he lightly blows on the area he kissed.

“Go to sleep,” she hears him whisper in her ear. She finally relaxes enough to fall asleep.

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

So I put out my hand and I asked for some help
We tore down the walls I built around myself
I was struck by the light and I fell to the ground


: : : : : : : : : :

Two days later

Justin squeezes Raina’s hand as the doors slide open. The smell of the building overwhelms her and if Justin wasn’t hold her hand, she would have turned and walked out. They walk into the waiting area and sit down.

“I’ll be out here, ok?” Justin says quietly, so the other patients won’t hear.

“You aren’t coming with?” Raina asks as fear enters her eyes. “Please come back with me.” she says as Justin smiles and runs his hand over his head.

“Are you sure?”

She nods and kisses his cheek, “I’m scared,” she mumbles as they get up and walk to the desk.

“Me too.” He grabs her hand again.

Is there anybody out there?
Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

You know a heart of gold won't take you all the way
And in a world so cold it's hard to keep the faith
I'm never gonna fade away, yeah


The lady behind the desk looks up and smiles when she sees the couple. “Hello, how may I help you?”

“My name is Raina Brandt and I have an appointment with Dr. Shwartz.”

“Oh, yes, 4:00 p.m.. Is your insurance the same?” The older lady asks looking up at Raina.

“Yes.”

“Ok, I’ll check you in and you can have a seat.” The lady says as she points towards the group of chairs near a hallway. “The doctor will be right out.”

“Thanks,” both Justin and Raina say as the return to the seats.

The sit in silence until the doctor comes out and takes them back to their room. “It’s nice to meet you both, I’m Dr. Shwartz, the brunette woman says as she shakes both their hands. “How have you been feeling? Anything you’re worried about?”

Raina turns to glance at Justin and then looks back at the doctor. “Well, I’ve been throwing up and I gained a couple pounds.”

Dr. Shwartz smiles, “You think you’re pregnant. Yeah, we can run some tests and get that checked out. Anything else?”

Raina shakes her head no.

“Ok, can you just change into this gown and then we will start the exam.”

Raina grabs the gown and walks behind the curtain to change. She can hear Justin laughing when she walks out. “Stop it,” she says with a smirk as she hits his shoulder.

“Sorry,” he says, but the smile is still plastered on his face. “So fashionable.”

“Yeah,” the doctor chimes in “these are the ugliest gowns I’ve ever seen and believe me, I’ve seen a lot of them. Ok, Raina, you can have a seat up there.” she points to the bed chair thing. “I'm just going to check your heart, ears, throat, and then we will weigh you.”

“Ok,” Raina mumbles as the doctor starts on the check up. There is a silence while the doctor listens to Raina’s heart. She looks over at Justin and he makes a funny face, which makes her laugh.

“You two married?” Dr. Shwartz asks as she sees their interaction.

Raina smiles and shakes her head, “No, just friends. He’s here for support.”

Justin nods in agreement, but doesn’t smile. He looks down at his hands while the doctor continues to check Raina. Raina watches Justin as he continues to pick at his hands and he doesn’t ever look up at her and smile or really do anything.

She sighs when she gets up and walks towards the scale.

“128,” Dr. Shwartz says and then looks down at her chart. “You’ve gained a few pounds since the last visit.”

“Yeah, and I gained 5 pounds since two weeks ago. That’s why I think something’s up.” Raina explains as she sits down next to Justin. “Can I change out of this?” She says as she picks at her gown.

“Yeah,” the doctor nods. Raina quickly changes into her clothes.
“The urine sample that you are about to get done will determine if you are pregnant or not. You could of course take an at home pregnancy test while you wait for our results. They should take about a week.” She smiles at the two and stands up. “Other than that, you look perfectly healthy. Thanks for coming in and have a great day.”

“Thanks doctor,” Raina says as she stands and walks towards the door. Justin follows, but leaves some space between them. “Well, lets go get this done with.” she says as she stops and waits for Justin to catch up with her. “What’s wrong?” she asks when he doesn’t smile or respond to her comment.

Justin just shakes his head and continues walking down the hall.

“Justin, what’s wrong? Did I saw something?” She asks as she runs up to him. She reaches out for his hand, but he shrugs her off and continues walking. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”

He stops once they make it to an area in the hall that’s empty. He turns to face her and actually sees just how tired and exhausted she looks. The bags under her eyes are the worst and she isn’t smiling. Her eyes have lost their sparkle and she’s dressed in clothes two sizes too big. “Come here.” He mumbles as he puts his arm out to wrap around her shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” she asks again, looking up at him.

“I’m just worried about you.” he says as he leans down to kiss her forehead. “You look so tired, you really need to get more rest. After this test, we’re going home so you can sleep.” He pushes the elevator button and the doors open. They walk in and Raina grabs his hand, intertwining their fingers.

“What’s really wrong?” Her voice is so soft that he almost misses the question. “Is this about when the doctor asked if we were together?”

Justin doesn’t say anything he just looks over at her and then back at the doors.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset, I just don’t think it’s a good idea to tell everybody we’re together. I don’t understand the big deal, we haven’t even talked about this yet.” she says as she walks out of the elevator.

“Rai, wait.” Justin says as he jogs to catch up with her. He places a hand on her shoulder and turns her to look at him. “Can we just agree that we’re together? We’re dating.” he says as he pushes hair from her face.

Raina nods and the tears she’d been holding in fall down. “I blame the hormones.” she mumbles into his chest.

“You can’t blame them just yet.” He says with a chuckle. “I love you, baby.” he says as he leans down to kiss her. “I really do.” He mumbles against her lips.

He pulls away and she smiles up at him, “I love you too.” she says as she grabs his hand again. “Let’s go pee in a cup!” she laughs as he scrunches up his face.

I've been looking for a lifeline
For what seems like a lifetime
I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again
Looking for a lifeline

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself


“I just need you to tell me that you’ll leave her.” Raina states as she looks over at Justin, who is sitting across the room on the edge of the hotel bed.

They’ve been staying in hotels for the past three days so that they can work out a plan before heading back to their families. This all sounded like a great idea, but now that they are trying to determine what comes next, they’ve realized that it’s a lot more complex than they ever imagined.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Then we aren’t together.”

“Rai, I lov-”

She walks over to him and covers his mouth with her palm. “Don’t say it. Don’t tell me you love me until you’ve gotten divorced. I don’t want to hear it.” She glares at him and is doing a great job at being forceful, that is until she feels his tongue on her palm. “Ew, what the hell?” She pulls back her hand and wipes it on his shoulder. “That’s disgusting.” She mumbles as she walks away, or at least tries to. She takes one step and is then pulled back by Justin’s hand on her wrist.

“I love you.” He says with a smirk as he looks up at her with puppy dog eyes.

She just shakes her head and yanks her wrist from his tight grasp. “You ain’t getting any until you’re divorced.” He hears her yell from the bathroom.

He waits and then follows where she went “What if you’re sleeping?” he asks as he pops his head in the doorway.

“That’s called rape and I will call the police if you even touch me while I’m sleeping.” She walks out of the bathroom and picks up the room phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling for a cot, that way you’ll have to reason to accidently touch me.”

He pulls the phone from her hand, “Stop being ridiculous.”

“You’re the one that brought it up, you rapist.”

“Raina,” Justin sighs and looks at the carpet.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it. It just slipped.” She says as she hangs up the phone and looks sadly at Justin.

Ever since they’d started sneaking around, he’d been really touchy about anything relating to their age difference and what was going on.

“Come here.” She says as she pats the spot next to her on the bed.

He sits, but doesn’t touch her.

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

“I’m sorry.” she mumbles into his neck as she kisses his jaw line. “I didn’t mean to call you that. I know how that makes you feel.” She pulls back and looks at him. He’s just staring ahead. The only emotion on his face is fear. She kisses his cheek and turns his head so he’s looking at her. “What’s going on in your head?” she whispers and softly kisses his lips.

He sighs when she pulls back. “I’m just worried.”

“About me being pregnant?”

He nods his head. “That and my girls and you.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“I can’t help but worry about you. Your mother was trying to kill me last time I heard about her and you expect me not to worry about your future.” he says as he leans his forehead against her shoulder.

Not a word is said for about four minutes. Their both thinking about what lies ahead and all the pain they are going to have to endure and for what? A fling? That hardly seemed worth it, but it was more than a fling.

“You want to get a test?” Raina asks as she looks down at Justin’s head on her shoulder.

He lifts his head and raises and eyebrow in question.

“You know, a pregnancy test. This waiting is stressing me out.”

Justin looks around and finds his wallet on the dresser. “Let’s go.” he says as he holds out his hand for her to take.

She smiles nervously at him and he pulls her in for a kiss, “I love you.” he whispers as she pulls away and walks towards the door and down to the lobby.

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself


: : : : : : : : : : :

Raina slowly walks down the isle and is in awe at how many different kinds of tests there are. “I thought there was one kind.”

“They all do the same thing.” the sales woman says as she eyes Raina. Clearly trying to figure out her age. “There a tiny differences.” She grabs a small blue box. “This one tells you the earliest. This one,” she says pointing to another box, “says it in words.”

Raina nods trying to mentally remember how much money she had in her bank account and what she could afford to buy. Justin said he’d stay in the car to make things less awkward then they were already going to be. “I think I’ll get this one.” She says choosing the small blue box the woman was holding.

“Great, if that’s everything, I can check you out up here.”

Raina follows the woman to the front of the store and hands the box over to get scanned. “$15” the woman says as she pushes some buttons on the computer screen.

Raina hands over $20 and tucks a loose piece of hair behind her ear. She takes the change and the  small bag from the woman. “Good luck,” the woman mumbles as Raina walks away. She hangs her head as she walks out to the car.

There is no fucking you
There is only me

She buckles her seatbelt and then turns to look at Justin. “The sales woman was giving me the stare of death. I could tell she was trying to figure my age just by looking at me.”

Justin laughs and kisses her temple. “Sorry, I would have bought it for you,but I wasn’t sure what kind you wanted.”

“Oh, yeah! That’s the other thing, I wasn’t aware there were 80 bazillion kinds of tests.” She pulls out the box and reads over the instructions. “I just picked one so I could leave the judgmental stares.” She says as she continues to look down at the box.

“That’s the same kind Ja-” He starts but stops and just turns on the car.

Raina looks up at him, “What?” She asks as she blinks.

He shakes his head, “Nope, nothing.” He puts the car in reverse and looks at her as he turns to look out the back window. She looks so young and scared. He almost puts the car back in park and tells her that they can’t do it anymore. He’s never seen her this way before.

They both know what he was about to say. Raina doesn’t want to bring up the subject of Jaime.

“Let’s just go home.” she whispers as she brushes tears from her cheeks. She turns to Justin and smiles a little, trying to make it better, but he can see through her fake smile. “Please,” she adds as she sees him put the car back in park.

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through


“I know you’re scared and I don’t know why I said that about Jaime and the test. It just slip-”

“It’s fine. You clearly still care about her and she’s on your mind a lot. I get it. I understand.” She says as she looks out her window, “Can we just go home, please?”

Justin sighs and wipes his hand over his face, “That’s not true. I don’t care about her, I mean-” he stops himself. “I care about you so much Raina. I love you. I care about Jaime too but it’s different. I don’t want to spend every night with her making love or just holding each other while we sleep.” He places his hand on Raina’s leg and she looks at him, “I’m scared too. It’s alright to be afraid of the future.”

She just stares ahead for a minute and then asks, “What if I am pregnant?”

“What if you are?” Justin states more than asks.

“How am I going to finish high school and go to college with a kid?” She asks worriedly as she turns to look at Justin. “I’ve seen Teen Mom, it sucks!” She yells as she starts to cry.

“Hey,” Justin says as he wipes tears off of her cheeks and hands her a tissue. “I’m here. It’d be my baby, too. The thing that show is missing is a responsible father for those babies. I’ll pay for stuff and you’ll always have a place to live and food to eat.” He looks her in the eyes and lightly kisses her lips. “I love you so much Raina and I don’t want to see you like this.”

“I know.” She replies and smiles a little as he runs his thumb under her eyes, wiping the last tears from her face.

“Now we can go home.” Justin says as he looks over at her one last time before backing out of the parking spot.

: : : : : : : : : :

Justin squints as he focuses on the small white area that they are both studying. “Anything?”

“Nope.”

“Me neither.”

“Are you sure I did it right?” Raina asks as she picks up the box and reads over the instructions for the 100th time since they got home 20 minutes ago. “Maybe my pee is bad.” She suggests with a shrug.

“I don’t think so. Maybe we just have t-” Justin stops in mid-sentence and motions for her to come back towards him. He moves the test strip so that she can read the result and he watches as her face morphs from worry to shock. “Guess we got the answer.” He says as he pulls her towards him and hugs her tightly and kisses her head.

She doesn’t say anything, but he can feel her tears hitting his arm as he pulls away to look at her. She looks up through her watery eyes and laughs a little as she realizes how awful she must look after her emotional day. “It’s not 100% accurate, right?” is all she says.

“Right,” Justin repeats and glances back down at the test with a sigh, hugging Raina tighter to his body.

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside