You Don't See Me

I glance at my reflection as I tug at various places on my black and white tuxedo. My hair is somewhat curly and reddish from the exposure to the bright Tennessee sun . I'm shaven to a baby smooth feel and my teeth still have a pearly-white glow . I look good, if I do say so myself, but I feel terrible . Today's the worst day of my life.

It's my best friend's wedding.

She has me waiting for her to appear from the chapel's backroom . Every woman I know is helping her with last minute touches before her walk down the aisle . They kicked me out, not wanting to ruin the surprise . It's not like I'm marrying her though, unfortunately.


This is the place where I sit
This is the part where I love you too much


I sat outside the cream colored door and took peaks at my reflection in the small mirror implanted into the stonewall beside me . I'm bored, so you can't really blame me.

But I also want to look good for Gabriel . I know it's a little child-like, but I can't help but think she'll find me more attractive and leave Ryan at the alter . I doubt it though . Gabby's not the runaway type . Once she makes her mind up about something, she sticks to it . I've known her ever since we were five and that has yet to change.

"Okay, she's ready to reveal herself! " The estatic tone of my cousin, Rachel, grabs my attention and I stand up accordingly . I don't even get a chance to blink before she's standing before me . My heart nearly skips a beat when she looks up at me with bright brown eyes and a huge grin . Her teeth were as white as the dress she was wearing and held the same beauty.

The pure elegance of the gown itself was too much for one man to handle . Her thick form was somewhat hidden beneath the flowing material of her dress, but the light design gave her an angelic appearance . Her hair was swooped up into a bun that rested in the middle of her head . Small white flowers created a ring around it before leading the way to her vail , which stopped well below her bottom . A bouquet of white roses, carnations, and orchids blossomed from her hands, which shook nervously as my eyes skimmed over the rest of her body.

"Come on, man," she sighed jokingly, "How do I look?"

I wish I knew where to begin, "You look absolutely gorgeous. " The moment the words left my mouth, a light giggle escaped her precious lips . My heart seemed to swell with love as she shyly looked up at me.

"Thank you," she beamed, "You look fine yourself. " I laughed nervously as she made her way over to me . I looked up in time to see my mother giving me a knowing smile before she guided the rest of the ladies out of the small area.

"Thanks," I mumbled before she stood on her tippy toes to place a tiny kiss on my cheek . I swore that time stood in that very moment . Her vanilla scent filled my nose as she pulled away.

"I can't believe I'm getting married," she gushed, breaking my heart all over again.

"Yeah, I know," I said softly . She gently rested her hand on mine before holding onto my fingers . The warmth of her was killing me softly as I realized that this is as good as it's ever going to get.


Well, I dream a fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights


"What's wrong, hun ? " The concern in her voice nearly caused me to cry . She did love me . Just not the way I wanted her to.

"It's weird, I guess," I whispered, "You're getting married . I never thought you'd grow up so fast. " She smiled at me and swung our connected hands from side to side.

"You're saying it like I'm your daughter, pops," She laughed, "Just because you're giving me away, it doesn't mean I'm abandoning you."

" But things will be different," I told her, "It won't be you, me, and Trace anymore . Ryan and your marriage are gonna get in the way."

" It's not gonna get in the way," Gabby assured, "It'll find a place in it . You and Trace will always be my boys. " I wanted to tell her that being her boy was far from what I wanted to be, but the last minute dramatics weren't needed . I wasn't going to ruin her day even though it was ruining my life.

"I know," I gave her hand a squeeze, "I better get inside the church . I don't want anyone thinking we ran off or something. " What I would do to make that happen. . .

"Okay," she said, dropping my hand in an instant, "I can't wait to see Ryan. " She giddily rushed back into the small room she was in before, shutting the door behind her . I sighed to myself as I turned to head inside . The heavy wooden doors were already swung open as I made my way around the corner . I stopped at my assigned marker and waited for John, my brother, to give a signal to JC to start the music once all the bridesmaids and groomsmen were settled .

As soon as the click of her heels were heard, the signal was given and the soft melody of piano keys began . I have no idea what song was being played, but it wasn't the wedding march . It was a love song that seems somewhat familiar . It doesn't surprise me it's not the typical song though . Gabby wasn't your typical girl.

"You ready? " I whispered gently as I felt her arm hook into mine . Everybody stood in unison and I licked my drying lips.

"Yeah," she whispered back . I gave a tiny nod and proceeded down the isle . Everybody looked at us with cutesy faces and some of our family members were crying . I could see Brianna, Joey's daughter, sprinkling the aisle with a mixture of white petals . Her little pink dress matched the color of the bridemaids ' and made her ten times cuter than usual.

Being the giver of the bride was somewhat surreal for me . I never would've imagined that I would freely give up the love of my life . But she was never mine to keep . All I can do is silently die with every step I take.


This is as hard as it gets
'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough


I don't even realize it, but I'm crying now . Tears are freely flowing from my blue eyes as I struggle to keep them back . I glance over at Gabby and I can see her looking at me through the corner of her eyes . I turn away the moment I see her face contort with sadness.

"Are you okay?" she mumbles, trying not to seem obvious . I want to tell her that I'm not because this marriage is a bunch of bullshit, but I don't.

"I'm fine, babe," I whispered, "You just worry about not trippin '. " She giggles and I realize that she's also on the verge of tears.

"Then stop crying," she said softly, "You're making me cry. " The smile on her face lets me know that her tears are of joy, rather than distress . I really wish I could say the same thing.


I'm empty and achin '
And tumblin ' and breakin '


It really sucks to know that the one you love doesn't love you back . Especially when you know how good they are for you and how perfect you are for them . If I actually had the gull to open up this big mouth of mine and say something other than a mindless fart joke, I'd be where Ryan's at . I'd be watching the most beautiful woman in the world coming toward with tears of joy in her eyes, promising me forever.


'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me


We finally reach the alter and I'm hesitant to let her go from my arms . I turn to face her, tears still welling up in my eyes . Hers are watery also as she reaches up and wipes away my tears.

"Stop crying," she commands with a smile . I chuckle lightly before brushing away her fallen tears with the pad of my thumb.

"I can't help it," I said as I embrace her tiny frame . My nose nestles in her hair as my mouth rested near her ear, "I love you. " I really met that . But she doesn't get it.

"I love you too, Jay. " Her whispered words bring me down even more . I know, no matter how much I want it to change, she'll only love me like a brother.


And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could


After a second, I finally let her go . I take her hand in mine before I take Ryan's in another . As I join their hands, I give Ryan a small smile before I turn back to Gab . She kisses my cheek again before I leave their hands in each other's, fulfilling my duties as the giver of the bride . I can barely make my way over to Trace without tearing up, but I finally make it to my spot on the alter . The priest clears his throat and goes on with the ceremony . Everything seems like a blur to me as I space out when the realization really hits me.

This is it . No more second chances or putting things off until tomorrow . I really let my opportunity go by because I was too blind to realize how I really felt . I spent so much time searching for the perfect woman, but she was right there in front of me.


I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated


"For as much as Ryan and Gabriel have consented together in holy matrimony and have witnessed the same before us declaring their commitment, I pronounce that they are husband and wife. " The preacher's voice rang in my ears as I turned my vision to the newly wedded couple, "You may kiss your bride."


Is this how the book ends ,
Nothing but good friends?


I nearly choked on my tears the moment their lips connected and an eruption of cheers, claps, and whistles rang out in the church . I clapped and smiled the best I could, trying to seem as happy as humanly possible . But the whole time they were kissing and laughing at the alter, I couldn't help but think one thing. . .

That should've been me.

You Don't Know Me

Wow . I actually got married . That's insane ! That's HUGE ! That's. . .that's. . .

I don't even know . I feel great though . Well, part of me does anyway . The other part is the Debby Downer of my wedding day. Somewhere in my mind, a voice of reason was telling me to not go through with this. It was telling me that Ryan wasn't the one. That Justin was.

But that's ridiculous. Justin and I are the best of friends and I foolishly fell in love with him when. . .when I was five . Yeah, I know . What a loser I am, right ? I couldn't help it though . He's so amazing, but he so didn't love me back . He doesn't love me back. It hurts because I honestly envisioned this to our wedding. I wanted to grow old with him after we had a zillion kids and lived a life of intense passion. . .

Yet, I knew, even before the celebrity status came along, Justin was just too good for me . A guy like him doesn't settle for a frumpy mess like me . Even when we were younger, he always wanted the best in life . Nothing boring and original. Nothing like me.

But we clicked, for some unknown reason . Our friendship was right for all the wrong reasons and it kept things interesting . We could be fighting and I'd still have the time of my life because he's so damn stubborn that it never seems to end . But I love him for it . I love everything about him . I love his smile. I love his touch. I love the way he treats his mama and I love the way he can stand in front of the world and never let his nerves get the best of him. I just love. . .him.

"Hey, sweet thang ," I hear Justin say in a pimp-like tone that causes me to giggle, "Can I have this dance? " I watch as his hand opens up to grasp mine . I accept his gesture and laugh as he pulls me into his arms.


You give your hand to me
Then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so


I can't believe he still manages to make my heart flutter . It's amazing how much someone can effect you without them noticing . He doesn't know how I feel about him and I choose to keep it that way . Everybody else knew at some point in time that I had a small crush on him, but they all suspect that my feelings are gone . Especially now that Ryan's in my life.

They're wrong.


And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me


I've kind of kept this to myself . My big secret, I guess . I know that Ryan would be devestated if he ever found out about my feelings . I promised him that Justin and I were simply platonic and that I only had eyes for him . Lies . All lies.

I know that my heart only beats ten times faster when Justin touches me . I know that his sweet smell is the only one that gets my senses on overdrive . I know that we belong together. . . in my own little world, that is .


No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight



Reality is a different story . Reality lets me know that my true feelings are better off dead and buried because it won't change the way he looks at me.


Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me


So, I guess I sort of settled for Ryan . He was a safe bet . I knew for a fact he loved me and would give me a stable life . Justin couldn't give me that . Justin didn't love me.

Not that I bothered to ask . I mean, how would you go about something like that ? 'Hey, Jay, do you love me ? Like you loved Britney and Cameron?'

How awkward would that be ? What if he laughs in my face and ask if I'm joking ? I can't put myself through something like that . But it doesn't matter now . I'm a married woman.


Afraid and shy
I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might
Love me, too


God, look at me . I've been married for a second and I'm already having lustful thoughts about my best friend.

"You alright? " Justin asked as his arms encircled my waist . I nod and drape my arms over his broad shoulders . He stares down at me for a moment and a small smile curls the corners of his lips . I can see a bit of his teeth behind his little pink lips .

I blush the moment my eyes shoot up in time to catch him noticing my staring and Justin chuckles . His throaty laugh sends vibrations through my chest and my stomach knots.

"Sorry," I said lamely, "I just saw your teeth. . . " He raises a brow before one of his hands self-consciously covers up his mouth.

"Is there something in my teeth? " His muffled question cause me to laugh as I reach up and remove his hand.

"No, I was just- never mind. " I mumbled as Justin smiles brightly . I think he gets a rise out of embarrassing me.

"You look really beautiful, Gab," he compliments softly, "Ryan's really lucky. " Damn, there goes that blush again.

"He's lucky today," I laugh, "Once the honeymoon is over, sweat pants and t-shirts all the way. " Justin laughs and hugs me . We sway back and forth, completely off beat and not really caring .

"You are a trip, Gabby," Justin says . I can practically hear the smile in his tone, "One reason why I love you. " I hold in a disappointed whimper as my hand ran up his neck and rest in his soft brown curls . My chin finds a spot on his shoulder as I hold him tighter . Even Ryan doesn't feel this good in my arms . It was like he was meant to be there.

"I love you too, Jay. " I meant those words with every fiber of my being, but he'll never know that . I'm too much of a punk to tell him.


You'll never never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me


The song ends and we pull apart . Ryan is by my side and before I can respond, he's pulling me over to the center of the dance floor . I look over my shoulder and smile at Justin . He waves at me with a broad grin as the crowd slowly forms a circle around Ryan and I . The smooth beats of Norah Jones flows from the speakers and Ryan gently embraces me . I melt into his arms and sway to the music . Photos are being taken as we rotate in a small circle and he snuggles closer to me.

This is suppose to be our moment . This is suppose to be our song . This was suppose to be the most incredible day of my life . A whole new beginning to a beautiful marriage . But it was also a sad day . A day where a part of me died when I realize that this isn't exactly right.

I wanted to push those negative feelings into some abyss as the song came to an end and Ryan stared lovingly into my eyes . This man was the suppose to be the love of my life . I promised him forever and I intented to keep that promise.

But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but think one thing. . .

He should've been Justin.