Here Comes Goodbye

 Prologue:

 ~At LAX Airport~

             "Hello?" I answered my phone as I was walking out of the terminal and turning to head to baggage claim.

            "Hey Baby! I can't wait to see you! I'm waiting right out front!" I smile at hearing my girlfriend Lindsay's excitement.

            "I'm excited to see you too. It's been too long. I'm just now getting to baggage claim, so it'll be just a few more minutes." I smile as I thought about getting to kiss her again. Seven weeks away is too long. I tighten my left hand around the small box in my jeans pocket. I have to ask her tonight. I've put it off for far too long already.

            "Ok, babe, I'll be waiting! I love you! See you in a few." I snap out of my reverie at the sound of her voice.

            "Ok, I'll hurry the best that I can. I love you too Linds." As I close my phone and drop it back into my pocket, the conveyor belt starts moving and I sigh as I move closer to wait for my bags.

            As soon as I have all of my luggage, I head out with the rest of the guys and Tony to everyone who's waiting to take us home. I say a quick bye and wave over my shoulder as I head to the five foot six dirty blond woman leaning against the blue Dodge SRT4. Why she ever insisted on this car I'll never know. Once I'm within a few feet of her, she brings her head up and locks her light sea green eyes with mine, her smile growing significantly, mine matching it I'm sure. I drop my bags as she pushes off the car and rushes to me. I take a few more steps, opening my arms to engulf her once she's within reach. I close my arms around her and stand straight, leaving her feet dangling off the ground a few inches. I close my eyes and breathe all of her in. Her shampoo, body wash, perfume, everything that is Lindsay Richards. Hopefully to be Lindsay Timberlake one day soon. We pull back and I place her feet back on the ground.

            "You always look so different." She whispers as I smile at her and she returns it, I close the distance before us and brush my lips against hers ever so softly, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist again and her arms tighten around my neck, increasing the pressure and deepening the kiss ever so slightly. I break our kiss and give her a small loving peck on the tip of her nose.

            "What do you say we get going? We need to swing by Mom's before heading home." She nods softly squeezing me into a hug again and kissing my chin then my lips in chaste kisses before turning to walk to the driver's seat.

            After tossing my bags into the trunk, I slide into the passenger seat as she starts the car and then pulls away from the curb and drives from the airport. Once she's on the highway and has set the cruise, I reach over and take her right hand into my left.

            "So, I want to know about everything that happened while I was gone." And that's all it took to start the catching up, well the verbal catching up that is. I smile as I listen to her every story intently. All about her classes and the dog. Though not my choice of dog, he still grew on me, like she said he would. But she is in love with him and he is her baby, and totally spoiled rotten. But as her and Mom have told me, ‘better to have a spoiled pet than a spoiled kid.' And I'd have to agree. Plus pets are definitely cheaper than kids. Though I definitely can't ever see anyone else mothering my children.

            I watch her as she drops my hand and rubs at her eyes, one at a time. I furrow my brow in curiosity but before I can ask, she notices my expression and answers the unasked question freely with a small shrug.

            "My contacts have been bothering me a lot lately. I really need to make an appointment to see what's going on." I look her over a little more closely.

            "Are you sure that it's just your contacts babe?" She glances at me briefly before turning her eyes back to the road while nodding. She takes hold of my hand again and we fall into a comfortable silence. I turn the radio up slightly and turn to look out at the scenery passing us by.

            I immediately turn back to her as soon as I feel her hand tighten around mine, feeling almost involuntary. My eyes meet hers briefly before hers close and then everything that follows is nothing but a bunch of blurs.

 ~Hours Later, At the Hospital~

             "Ugh..." I slowly start to open my eyes and try to look around to get my bearings. When I can't really focus on anything, I try to rub my eyes with my hands. That's when I notice the wires connecting me to the annoying beeping. I hear a door open and hear a few pairs of footsteps approaching me. And for the first time I notice that I'm also lying propped up in a bed. A hospital bed. Wait the hospital? Why am I here? What happened for me to be here?

            "Oh, good you're awake." I look up at the person who spoke. He's wearing a white coat over plain teal scrubs. A Doctor. I nod and try to sit up more when a pair of hands reaches out to help me. I turn to the owner and see my mom sitting in the chair right next to my bed and Paul right behind her on the window ledge. I turn back to the doctor and nod when I notice just how dry and sore my throat is.

            "Ok, Justin, do you remember anything that happened." I look him over again and shake my head. "Ok, would you like some water?" I try to verbally answer, but nothing comes out so I nod again. He turns to a nurse who is already heading for the door. "Ok, well you were in a car accident. Miss Richards lost control of the vehicle. After further testing," the door opens and the same nurse enters with a cup and one of those plain plastic pitchers. She pours water in the cup and hands it to me with a sad smile. What's that about? I look around the room again. Wait. Where's Lindsay? Is she ok? I look back to the doctor after I take a drink.

            "Lindsay?" I say noticing just how hoarse my voice really is. "Where is she? Is she ok?" I look around the room again but no one will look me in the eye.

            "Well, after some further testing, we found that Miss Richards had a cerebral aneurysm,"

            "Wait," I interrupt him, "a cerebral aneurysm? You mean a brain aneurysm?"

            "Yes, Justin. She had a brain aneurysm that ruptured in one of the posterior circulation arteries," I look over to my mom and she won't look at me. Squeezing her hand, I'm about to speak again when he continues and I turn my attention back to him, "causing her to slip into unconsciousness, in turn losing control of the vehicle. And from what we can gather with talking to her parents, she hadn't mentioned having any of the normal symptoms. Do you remember her mentioning any to you?  Like feeling nausea maybe some vomiting, getting sudden and severe headaches, vision impairment, anything along those lines?" I meet his eyes briefly before releasing Mom's hand and twisting my hands in my lap. This doesn't feel right. Something is wrong, majorly wrong.

            "Um, right before the...accident she...um...she was rubbing her eyes. But she just said that her contacts had been bothering her the last few days and that she needed to make an appointment. But that could have been nothing, right?" I meet his eyes again, this time holding his stare. He nods solemnly to me, which causes something inside me to snap. "Where is Lindsay? Can I see her? Is she alright?" I was losing my patience and his noticeable reluctance to answer my questions wasn't helping at all.

            "Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but..." He stops and looks down at his clipboard; the one that I can only guess is holding my charts.

            "But what? She's either fine or she's not!" I barely feel Mom grasp my hands and squeeze them in a feeble attempt to calm me. "Well? But what?"

            He meets my gaze again and he doesn't have to say anything. I start shaking my head back and forth, repeatedly mumbling ‘no' under my breath, my eyes never wavering from his.

            "I'm so sorry." And that's all it took for my whole body to just shut down.

Here Comes Goodbye

Chapter One:

             I turn over in my bed trying to shield my eyes from the brightness of the sun seeping through my lids. Upon turning over however, my eyes shoot open at realizing I'm alone in the bed. I stretch, sit up, and rub the sleep from my eyes before looking around and taking in my surroundings. Home. Our new home. Until now, I'd only seen it furnished in pictures. How come I can't remember anything? Not the visit to Mom's. Not arriving at our house. Not Lindsay showing me around. Lindsay. The reason I woke up floods my brain. Where is she? Why isn't she in bed? I turn to look at the clock. 7:00 am. Well she should definitely be in bed. I pull the covers back and flinch slightly at the cool air hitting my bare skin. I reach for my jeans that are tossed on the floor. Pulling them on, I leave the room in search for her.

            I arrive downstairs in the living room and there she is. Wearing my light blue button up, her boy short underwear, and that's it. I stand there against the door frame for a few minutes just watching her. I smile softly and then push away from the frame and enter the room. I walk quietly to where she's sitting on the couch and wrap her in my arms as best as I can with the couch in the way. "Morning babe. Why aren't you still in bed?"

            She turns her face to meet mine and brushes her lips against mine softly. "Hmm, morning. Couldn't sleep. Why aren't you still in bed?" She sends me a smile and shifts her whole body to face me and wraps her arms around me as well.

            "Because you aren't still in bed." I smile back at her and kiss her back just as softly. We break the kiss and she leans into me, resting her head on my chest softly. I turn my head to rest my cheek against the top of hers and we stay like that for an immeasurable amount of time.

            She takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, causing me to lift my head and pull back from her a little bit. She looks up at me, meeting my eyes before taking another slow deep breath and releasing it. Oh, no. This can't be good. "Um, I wanted to tell you something last night, but I never got the chance." I nod and she clears her throat. "Um, Jus, it might be best for you to sit down." I study her face for a minute before nodding again and walking around the couch to sit next to her. We both turn to face each other with her legs slightly overlapping mine; I grasp her hands to reassure her.

            "Ok, whenever you're ready." I give her a small smile and nod to show her she has my full attention. As if she ever doesn't.

            She opens her mouth and starts to speak, but it's not her voice I hear. "Well, he got pretty lucky. No serious injuries, no broken bones. Nothing major. Just some bumps and minor bruising. He'll make a full recovery. The part we need to worry about now though, is how long he stays in the coma and how that might affect him in the long run."

            "Um, Lindsay. What was that?" I try to focus solely on her voice. But where have I heard that voice before?

            She starts to repeat what she said but again, it's not her voice I hear. But the voice I do hear, I'd know anywhere. Paul? "Um," she clears her throat before continuing, "is there anything that we can or should do?"

            Then the first voice is back and answers him. "Nothing much for now. Just keep talking to him. It's greatly believed that comatose patients can hear voices they know very well. And hopefully, that will help him to realize what's real and what's not."

            I close my eyes tightly shut for a few minutes; willing my brain to focus on the woman in front of me that I want so much to focus on. That's the voice from that messed up dream. But man did it ever feel so real.

            "Jus?" I slowly open my eyes to meet Lindsay's concerned ones. I shake my head of the remnants of my dream and nod to her. "Are you ok? You were spacing out a little." She chuckles softly causing me to smile at her meekly.

            "Yeah, sorry. I just, I can't seem to shake this dream I had. It was so real and I just don't know. But anyway. What were you needing to tell me?" She gives me a small smile and studies my face for a few minutes.

            "Oh, it's nothing. It can wait. It's not worth it if you can't even concentrate right now. So, tell me about this dream. Maybe that's all you need. To just tell someone and everything will be better. Then I can continue." I nod, but am hesitant.

            "Um, ok, but it's not a pleasant dream. Definitely more like my worst nightmare." She nods, encouraging me to continue. "Hmm, well, it starts with you picking me up at the airport. Then while you're driving to Mom's, you rub your eyes and say that your contacts have been bothering you and you need to make an appointment. While we're quiet, just listening to the radio, I feel you squeeze my hand. And I swear I could feel you do it too, it felt so real. Then I turn to look at you and meet your eyes just seconds before they slide close and then," I clear my throat, "well, then I'm waking up in the hospital. At first I don't realize where I am but a doctor and nurse come in. He starts talking to me, asking me questions but my throat is too dry so the nurse leaves to get me water. Once she's back the doctor continues with what happened. A car accident. You had a brain aneurysm rupture causing you to lose consciousness and in turn lose control of the car." I swallow and meet her eyes for the first time since I started talking about this. And her blank expression confuses me. She tries to give me a smile to encourage me to continue but doesn't quite succeed. I'm just about to ask her if she's ok but she shakes her head so I just finish telling her my dream. "Um, I lose my patience because the doctor refuses to answer me when I continue to ask if you're ok. Mom and the nurse won't look at me. Finally the doctor looks right in my eyes, and I see everything that I need to see there, everything that I really hope that I don't have to ever actually live through. And then he just says "I'm so sorry." And that's where I woke up, right as the dream me slips into unconsciousness."

            I chance another look at her and she still has the same blank look on her face. Even her eyes show no expression. "Linds? Are you feeling ok? I mean, yeah it sucks. But it is just a dream, right?" She starts to get up, shaking her head. I grab her hand tighter so that she can't get too far. "Come on Lindsay. Talk to me. It's just a stupid dream. Nothing more. I mean yeah I was upset about it too at first but, once I was over the shock of it, I was thankful that it was just a dream. I'd hate to ever even think about someth," but I'm cut off when I hear a sob escape her and see her shoulders shaking. I immediately jump up and envelop her in my arms, one hand rubbing soothing circles on her back and the other cupping the back of her head and holding it into my bare chest. "Hey, hey, sweetie it's ok. We're both here and we are both perfectly healthy and fine." She pushes roughly away from me and shakes her head at me as she backs away. I'm in so much shock that I can't even form words. I just watch her back away, almost like she's scared of me. After a few minutes, the shock wears off, but I don't try to go to her. I stand there, her tears drying on my skin, and watch her, study her. It takes me a few minutes before I see that her mouth is moving. What is she saying? As I struggle to find the words to ask her, she finally speaks loud enough for me to hear, still just a whisper, but the words she's repeating stop me cold.

            "Not. Just. A. Dream."

Here Comes Goodbye

Chapter Two:

            As I take in my surroundings, I can't help but be confused. But I was just in the living room with Lindsay. How did I get here? I'm in the studio for rehearsal. I look around again and see that I'm alone. So, am I early? Or are we already done? And how could I not know? I hear someone enter the room and spin around to face the door. I smile involuntarily and naturally as soon as my eyes land on Lindsay standing in the door way.

            "Well, are you just going to stand there staring at me all day, or leave with me to go look at the new house?" She sends me a smile as she turns to walk right back out the door.

            I stare after her for about a minute before finally moving and following her. But what does she mean look at the new house? I've already seen it. Once I get out to her car, she's sitting there looking through her ipod. As I open the door and slide in, tossing my bag over my shoulder into the back seat, she settles on a song and sits her ipod back in the cup holder. She puts on her seat belt as I do the same and then pulls out of the spot and leaves the parking lot.

            "Well, here we are! This is just so exciting right? I mean we're moving in together!" I look her over and can't help but to feel the same excitement that is written so clearly on her face.

            "Yea, come on babe, let's go see what we can do with the place." We get out of the car and walk into the house hand in hand. I look around slowly, taking it all in, as Lindsay rushes off in the direction of the bedroom.

            As I look around, it's all déjà vu. But that doesn't make sense. This is our home, but before we ever moved in. "Jus!" I turn in the direction that I hear Lindsay's voice and start walking that way when I see that she's not coming out here.

            "Yea, babe?" I walk into the bedroom but she's not in there.

            "I just love this bathroom!" She walks out of the joining room and right into my arms, wrapping her arms around my neck. Sliding my arms around her waist, I lean down slightly and brush my lips against hers softly.

            "I'm glad you like it babe. Are you done looking around? Because I'm starving and want to take you out to celebrate." Her face lights up and she nods her head before reaching to pull my head down to hers. I smile against her lips as she deepens the kiss ever so slightly. Once we break apart, I take her hand and lead her out of the house, locking it and setting the alarm before getting in the car and leaving.

            I reach down to turn on the radio, but it's not music that I hear. I look over at Lindsay and she's singing along softly. I furrow my brow and turn to look out the window.

            "Well, hopefully he'll wake up soon. His brain activity is increasing with each passing day, so that's a very good sign." It's that doctor from my dream again. But technically I haven't had that dream yet. I'm about two months before that time. What the hell is going on with me?

            "Do you know when he might wake up?" Mom? Why does she sound so stressed? No, wait, she doesn't sound stressed but distressed. What in the world is going on? I continue watching the scenery pass while getting lost in my thoughts.

            "J, where do you want to eat?" I slowly turn my head to face Lindsay. But I don't fully see her. My vision is blurry from not blinking in so long. I blink a couple times and shake my head clear of my previous thoughts. "Um, Jus?" She glances at me quickly before turning her eyes back to the road. "Justin, you don't look so good. Are you ok?" I clear my throat and continue watching her for a few seconds before I finally answer her.

            "Yea, I'm, um, I'm fine. Just hungry. Let's just get something to take home." She glances at me for a second before nodding softly while dialing a number on her cell. I listen to her place the order to our favorite Chinese place and then set her phone back in the door. "Ok, but you're going to tell me what's going on." I look at her again before nodding once and turning back to the window.

            About 20 minutes later, we're back at my place, sitting on the living room floor, and getting ready to watch a movie. We're eating in silence till Lindsay grabs the remote and pauses the opening credits. I look at the TV then glance to her before looking back at to the screen. I shrug my shoulders and look back to my food and continue eating.

            "Ok, Justin. Talk to me. We're not watching this movie till you tell me what's going on." I look at her again and then back to my food. Should I tell her? She might just think I'm crazy and want me to go to a doctor. I look at her again but this time I study her face carefully, slowly. She's worried. That's easy to see. And concerned. I release a long breath before I begin.

            "Linds, I've, we've done this before." Her brow furrows in confusion. "I don't know an easy way to explain this without sounding completely crazy. But I'm having memories from the future. We already live in that house. I just spent my first night there last night because I just got home from my short tour yesterday. So, we have done this before." I look at her again and her expression surprises me. Now it's my turn to be surprised because she's smiling and looking...happy. "What?"

            She throws her arms around me giving me a quick kiss then whispers in my ear. "I'm so glad that you remember. That means that I can tell you everything!" I pull back from her and look at her with utter confusion.

            "Um," I clear my throat, "what do you mean everything?"

Here Comes Goodbye

Chapter Three:

            I continue looking at Lindsay waiting for her to explain. But instead she just gets up and starts to walk into the kitchen. I follow her but as we reach the kitchen doorway, we're all of a sudden in a field. I look around trying to make sense of where we're at and how we got there. I look at her again, but she's looking off to the top of a hill. I follow her gaze, and as I see what she's looking at, we're all of a sudden standing there with everyone else.

            As I look around and take in the scene before me, I realize that everyone that is standing at the top of this hill are people that we both know. I see all of Lindsay's and my family. Then I notice the preacher and casket. I turn and look at Lindsay and she's watching me. I open my mouth to ask her what's going on but the preacher starts at the same time and what he says stops my heart and causes all the air to leave my body.

            "We are here to bid farewell to a daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and friend. We may never know why God chose to take Lindsay from us so soon. All we can be sure of is that she was needed with him more than here with us." I turn and look at Lindsay again. She's still there, staring at me. But her expression is one of sorrow, hurt, and apology. I feel the tears running down my face as it sinks in and I start shaking my head no. This cannot be happening. This is just another messed up dream. She can't be dead! She's standing right in front of me!

            "Justin." She reaches out and grabs my hand and in a flash we're gone and standing at our spot on the beach. I look into her eyes and wait for her to continue because I know that she will, as soon as she's ready to. "Justin, I'm here because you need me to be. I'm not supposed to be. And I wasn't allowed to tell you anything that I'm about to, but you were able to remember the future and that what was happening shouldn't have been. So, you passed the ‘test' so to speak." We never waiver from each other's eyes and she continues speaking. "Justin, baby, we never made it to your parents' from the airport. And I'm so very sorry that I'm the cause of your pain right now. I should have told you the truth about how I was feeling and everything that had been happening with me while you were gone. But I seriously thought the headaches and blurry vision was nothing to worry about. And that was the last thing I wanted was to make you worry more while you were gone. So, I just didn't tell you. And I'm sorry for that. I should have just followed my gut and let you drive from the airport. But I didn't and here we are." She pauses and looks around us for a few minutes. I take the opportunity to speak.

            "What do you mean, ‘here we are‘? Where exactly is ‘here'?" She turns back to me and smiles. I can tell that she's thinking about making a smart ass remark, but thankfully she changes her mind.

            "We are in your unconscious mind. We go whereever you think of going." I look at her with an expression of confusion spread across my face. But I never thought of going to your funeral. Before I can voice my thought, she speaks almost as though she can hear my thoughts. "I know. You never thought about going to the cemetery and seeing my funeral or even actually about coming here. I can take you where I think is best as well. And after showing you...well...that, I thought here would be a good choice since you always talked about how it calmed you. But if you want to go somewhere else, you just have to think of that place." I study her for a minute before speaking.

            "Ok, so you're saying that you are...d...dea...dead. And you're only here because I need you to be and we are trapped in my mind? Well, if that's true, where am I really then?" She smiles at me softly and nods as she continues to explain.

            "Yes, that's right. You, at this moment anyway, are in the hospital in a coma that you slipped into the moment the doctor told you I died. Which is why you need me right now. At least your mind believes that you do. I'm here to help you let go and see that you can live on without me." I interrupt her, not liking where this is going.

            "And what if I don't want to live without you?" She squeezes my hand that I had forgot that she was holding.

            "You're going to have to learn because I only have a week to help you move on and see that you can live without me or you'll stay in the coma and I'll just be gone." I stare into her eyes and see that she's sincere about what she's saying.

            "Ok, then I'll try. But how many days has it been already?" I look down at our hands, scared of the answer.

            "It's been three days. You were unconscious for right about seven hours before you woke up and the doctor told you what happened. The funeral was really happening at that moment when we were there. Your parents weren't sure about going since you're still in the coma but they decided that someone should be there in your place." She looks out to the crashing waves again before continuing. She clears her throat and starts speaking. "The doctor really didn't think you'd be out this long. So, he's a little worried about the effects that might happen from it with the accident and everything. But all tests are coming back negative, so it's all looking up and he's less worried now. Which also helps your parents as you can imagine."

            I look her over. She looks just like she always has. So beautiful and perfect. I watch her as she continues watching the waves. I sigh happily, for the moment at least. And we stand there in that position for an unimaginable and immeasurable about of time. I turn to the ocean for a minute before turning to look at her again.

            "Ok, so I'm going to be ok? I mean nothing too serious or anything?" She turns to me and nods softly. "Ok, then so what exactly is it that you have to tell me?"

            "Oh, boy. Where to begin." She smiles at me and I can tell that she's thinking everything through in her head. "Well, I already told you what happened and why. Where I am and where you are. So, really now all I have to do is make you see that life will go on and I'll always be with you no matter what. Basically it's my job to help you say goodbye." I turn back to the water for a while. Then I smile at the memory that feels me.

            "Do you remember the first time I brought you here?" I look at her and she smiles and nods softly.

            "Yea, it was our third date and you said that you wanted to share something with me." I nod.

            "Yea, and I could tell that you weren't sure about what I meant by that. But when I brought you here,"

            "I was so happy because I hadn't had the time to come to the beach yet."

            "Yea, and I really couldn't believe that since you had already been living here for almost a year."

            "Yea, well. I was very busy just trying to get the hang of this life and everything. Especially the cost of everything out here. It was such a culture shock to me back then. But then I met you, everything was so much easier and better just knowing that you were there and I had you to talk to no matter what."

            "Yea, and then the next day, we started your surfing training. Man that was an adventure." We start laughing as she continues with the story.

            "Man, yes that was. I can't believe that after only like five hours we both were so ready to just give up." We laugh harder as we're transported back to that afternoon.

            "Yes, well, I never once imagined that your balance would be so off." I shake my head and smile as our laughter starts to get a little bit out of control.

            "Well, what can I say? You just do that to me." We both continue with our laughing and enjoying our trip down memory lane.

            "Man, I can't believe that was years ago already. It doesn't seem possible that time could have gone by so fast." We're quiet while we work on calming our laughter down.

            "See, it won't be so bad right? I mean, nothing can take the memories of us away." I look at her and turn my body to face her when I see her doing the same thing. "And I'll always be right in here," she places her hand over my heart, "for whenever you need me. And I'm watching over you and will be waiting for you to be with me again."

Here Comes Goodbye

Chapter Four:

            "So, it's our last day." I look over at Lindsay briefly before turning back to the waves. I've been trying to avoid that thought all day. Our last day. Which means that I'll have to wake up and she'll continue on her way to where she's needed and belongs. Heaven. I look at her again and as with every time that I look at her, I smile involuntarily.

            "I'll miss you so much." Said without thinking, I watch as her face changes expressions and she looks into my eyes.

            "I'll miss you too Jus." We sit there just looking at each other before she turns back to the ocean and lays her head on my shoulder. I look back to the water too and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

            This is what we've been doing. Just sitting on the beach, in our spot, talking, remembering, and being together. It was day as long as I thought it was and sunset when I so wanted to see one, but never night. Night just seemed to me to make this more permanent and real. And right now, I just needed these last moments and days with her. We have talked our way through our whole relationship. Every happy moment, every fight, and every tear not left unnoticed or remembered. It's definitely been the emotional week. And the worst is still to come in just a few hours. I look down to her and she looks to be lost in thought and having an internal battle. I lean down and kiss the top of her head softly causing her to turn to look up at me. I send her a smile and she returns it.

            "Babe, what's wrong?" I ask just above a whisper. And she studies my face for a minute before she speaks.

            "Nothing is wrong. I'm just not sure that I should tell you the last thing I have to say." She looks down to her hands and I watch her, waiting to see if she's going to continue. When she doesn't, I softly place my forefinger under her chin and lift her head back up even with mine and look into her eyes.

            "You don't have to tell me anything that you don't want to. You know that." I smile at her gently and she returns it. But I can still see the battle raging in her head over whatever it is. I watch her for a minute more before she leans in and kisses my lips softly.

            "I know. But you have the right to know and hear this from me. But now's not the right time. I'll tell you later, ok?" I nod softly and she leans up and kisses me again. "Until then, we have just a few more things to remember."

            "Yes, that we do. Though none of them are too pleasant. Definitely not our happiest moments." We return to our previous position of looking to the water with her head on my shoulder. Then we continue with where we had left off in the tale of our relationship, the night before I left for the tour.

            "I still can't believe I started a fight with you over it. I mean it was so juvenile and childish. Fighting over something like you packing my toothpaste." I give a small chuckle and don't have to look at her to know that she rolled her eyes when I do so.

            "Yes, I know. And yet you were so seriously mad about it. I still don't understand it. We fought over it for like close to two hours, then in the middle of screaming at me, you burst into tears and start apologizing profusely. I would say that it was just because I was leaving again and so soon from getting back, but I know that can't be the reason because we've never fought before I've left before." She lifts her head and looks at me with that look again.

            "You know that I'm sorry for that right?" I lightly laugh at her and nod my head. "Good, because I am. So very sorry for starting such a stupid fight when you were already so worried and stressed." I lean forward and kiss her forehead softly.

            "I know baby. It's ok. Everything turned out fine, remember?" She smiles immediately and her whole face brightens and her expression is suddenly a complete one eighty from just seconds before.

            "Oh, yes, I definitely remember." We laugh together and her cheeks turn a light shade of pink as we both remember the rest of the night quietly. "I'm sorry that you didn't get too much sleep too." I look her over briefly before I shake my head slowly.

            "No. No, you are not." She hides her head into my chest and I can't help but laugh more.

            "No, I'm not. But still." She pulls away from me, turning back to the waves. I watch her for a time that feels like it'd never be long enough. Then suddenly I'm filled with the urgent feeling that I can't fully explain but know that I should just dread. We must not have too long now. She turns to me and nods her head. And I instantly know what she means. We both stand dusting ourselves off out of habit and she grabs my hand. Instantly we are transported and in the hospital. We're outside a closed door, but I can hear the conversation that's happening inside as if I were there too.

            "Do you think he'll wake up soon?" Paul. I sigh at the thought of what they are going through. I really didn't mean to cause them all of this. I look at Lindsay and she nods and we are instantly in my room, with my body. I look at myself and notice that all the cuts and bruising is practically completely healed. But my mind is still on the conversation that we heard. And for some reason, I can still hear it.

            "Hopefully he will wake soon. The longer he's under, the bigger possibility for permanent damage; which of course we won't know about till we run tests once he is up. But for now, all we can do it wait." The doctor. I turn and look at Lindsay and she's standing by the window, looking out over the parking lot and the slowly sinking sun.

            "Linds?" She turns to me and I walk to her and continue with my inquiry. "Are we in real time now?" She nods and looks back to the scene before us. I watch her as I ask the one question that has been plaguing my mind since I heard of her death. "Would you have died anyway? Like if I was driving, would I have been able to get you to the hospital in time?" I ask her slowly and cautiously, not too sure I want to know the answer. She looks back to me and slowly, very slowing, shakes her head no. I look down at my feet with my hands in my pockets. "Oh." I'm not sure really what to say.

            "J, I was gone so fast. Even before the accident happened. By the time you would have noticed that I wasn't just sleeping, it would have already been too late. But I still wish that I would have had you drive because then you wouldn't have ended up hurt and in the hospital too." I look at her again. And nod softly.

            "But why? Why did you have to go so soon?" I can hear the pleading in my voice and the tears fill my eyes.

            "I don't know. It was just that time." She looks down and places a hand on her stomach softly. "None of it makes sense. But everyone has a time for them to go. And it was mine. There's no other reason than that." She looks back up and meets my eyes again. "Jus, you need to promise me that you won't dwell on it, ok? You can't think too much into it. And I definitely don't ever want you to think it's because of something that you did or that it's a punishment of sorts. Because it's not. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. Ok? You promise me that you won't think or believe any of those things?" I look into her soft green eyes and see all the emotion behind them and nod softly. "Especially with what I'm about to tell you. Ok, promise?" I furrow my brow in confusion but nod again.

            "I promise, Linds." I look her over again and just as she was about to speak, we hear a voice that I don't know or recognize. But it's so soft and sweet but you can definitely hear the authority in it too.

            "Lindsay, it's time. You only have a minute left." She looks up to the ceiling as I look around the room. My eyes land back on her and I see the tears in hers and she nods softly and releases a sigh.

            "Ok, J. This is goodbye. We have no time left. I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you, but you will find out. I promise. I just wish it could be from me, but that's not possible now. Ok?" I nod and she steps toward me and kisses my lips softly. She grabs both my hands in hers and starts to disappear. She smiles at me. I return it and as I'm getting ready to say something, she's no longer in front of me and I'm no longer standing in my hospital room. But I can still hear her voice.

            "Open your eyes baby."

Here Comes Goodbye

Epilogue:

~*~

            "Open your eyes baby. Open your eyes Jus. It's time. I have to leave now and you have to open your eyes and continue living your life." Though I know that she's already gone, I can still see her. Or maybe it's me that's already gone. Lindsay gives me a soft smile.

            "But I can't live my life without you." I look at her softly as she's already walking, no, fading away.

            "Baby, sometimes, life is all about the goodbyes. I need you to let me go. I want you to find your own happiness again."

            "But I can't be happy without you."

            "Sweetie, you'll never be without me. I'll always be right in here, tucked away, just a pleasant memory. Now you must go back. I love you."

            "I love you too." As I mumble those words, I realize that I'm alone, in a white room. Lindsay is gone. I'll never be with her again, never get to see her beautiful smile first thing in the morning or at all for that matter and never get to feel her bare body against mine again. And yet, as I think these things, where there should be, would normally be, a sharp pain in my chest, all I feel is a small tug at my heart, an almost pleasant tug at the memories. I smile involuntary, for the first time hearing hushed whispers close by.

            "He should be waking up soon. His brain activity has increased tremendously over the last couple hours. Which is a great improvement, however, we will need to run tests to see if there is any permanent damage from him being out for so long. The only other thing I feel we should address is if you want to tell him or if you want me too. He slipped back under so fast that we didn't even get the chance to visit the topic. But I've found out that she had indeed been to the doctor a few weeks before the accident, so chances are she knew and was going to tell him that day or very soon." I recognized the voice as that of the doctor that was here last time. But what is he talking about? I was so confused that I forced my eyes open to try to get a glimpse at who he was talking to. I could see my dad standing behind who could only be my mom and rubbing soothing circles on her back.

            "Um, I think it might be better if we told him doctor. But, um, when he wakes up this time, what are the chances he could slip back under at the news? Like last time." I heard my mom ask in an equally hushed voice. I was still confused as to what they were talking about exactly and where it was going. So, I still didn't make a noise or move in hopes to get some answers before they noticed my alertness.

            "Well, with his brain activity this time, I'd say that the chances are slim. However, like I assumed about last time, shutting everything off till he's ready to deal with it all physically, might be his mind's way of protecting him. So, it's possible that he could slip back into a coma at the news for that reason and that reason alone. But each time that he does, it will last longer and his chances of waking up without any permanent damage decreases." I furrow my brow in confusion. I was in a coma? Then how was I with Lindsay? And talking to her? What happened exactly? What day is it? Man, the only way I was going to get any answers was to let them know I was awake.

            So, reluctantly, I start to move. Groaning at just how stiff my muscles are. At the sound of my groaning and movements, the door flies open and in a rush, the people I was just eavesdropping on. I look between all their faces, relief evident on all of them.

            "Justin, how are you feeling? Can you talk? Would you like a glass of water?" I look back to my parents briefly still curious about what they agreed to tell me before turning back to face the doctor.

            "Um," I clear my throat, once again surprised by how rough it was, "I feel sore. And yes, some water would be nice." My mom was already handing me a glass that she just poured water into. I took a drink greedily before starting with my questions, the simplest first. "What day is it?" I look back at the doctor.

            "Well, it's 7:43, the morning of March 25, 2009. You slipped into unconsciousness after the accident on the 18th from which you woke up for all of 20 minutes that night before slipping into a coma." Ok, that explains that. Now to act like I remember or not?

            "Lindsay?" I ask softly, dropping my gaze down to my hands in my lap. I hear my mom gasp softly and look up to see my dad wrap his arms around her, soothingly, protectively. I look to the doctor again before dropping my gaze back to my lap.

            "She passed away in the accident. She didn't feel anything because of the unconsciousness she slipped into causing the vehicle to head into oncoming traffic. She went peacefully." He was telling me stuff I already knew. Things Lindsay had told me herself. But how can I remember some of what she told me, but not everything? I shook my head of the thoughts before looking back up to him.

            "Ok," I said leaving it hanging in the air.

            "Good news is that you have no major injuries. We'll have to run tests to make sure there is no lasting damage from the coma, but once that's completed and if the results are as I expect, then I suspect that you'll be able to be discharged with almost a clean bill of health, in just a few days. Well, at least going off of how things look right now." He nods to me softly before facing my parents and doing the same to them then leaving the room and quietly closing the door behind him. I look over at my parents again. I watch them look me over and watch me for a few minutes before I can hardly take the curiosity and suspense anymore.

            "Ok, what do you have to tell me?" I look between them, trying to see if either one is giving anything away. Nope, nothing. Did I ever really expect anything else?

            "What makes you think we have anything to tell you?" Mom asks as she walks to the chair by my bed and takes a seat uneasily.

            "Because you both look troubled and somewhat guilty." I look to my dad and watch him move to stand behind Mom and rub her shoulders softly. Man, I want that someday. I almost had it too but...

            "Look, son, I'm not sure if we should tell you just yet. Let's wait till we get the tests done and make sure nothing is wrong. We don't need you slipping back into a coma." I look them both over; trying to gage how tough it will be to get them to just tell me now.

            "If it's about Lindsay, I want to know now. I believe I deserve that much." I say softly, my voice wavering and cracking with each word I speak as I try to keep the tears at bay.

            "Sweetie, I really think we should wait. For your own sanity and health." I snap my head up to meet my mom's eyes dead on.

            "No, Mom. Just tell me. Now. Please." My eyes never leave hers as Dad finally starts to say what I've been curious about since I heard them in the hall with the doctor.

            "Um, Justin, it would seem that Lindsay was," he cuts off and looks down at Mom. I'm not sure when I started watching him, but I was. I watched the looks they exchanged and the silent conversation they were having, waiting patiently for close to five minutes before I couldn't stand it anymore.

            "Dad? Lindsay was what?" I ask him softly, trying to keep my voice even, the sound bringing his attention back to me. But it wasn't his voice I heard, instead it was Mom's. I looked at her and she was crying silently.

            "Justin, sweetheart, Lindsay was pregnant. Nine weeks."

~Two Weeks Later~

            Two weeks. Two long torturous weeks. Easily the longest weeks of my whole life. Mom insisted staying with me at the new house, the one that I hadn't seen since everything was moved in, until I was completely healed. Today is only my third day being alone. And Lindsay is everywhere. If I thought her scent was strong that first day entering the house, it was nothing compared to now that I was alone with it. I close my eyes, leaning my head against the back of the couch. I have to get out of here. I can't take it anymore. I immediately jump up, grab my phone and keys, and head out the door making sure to set the alarm.

            Once in my car I feel like I can truly breathe. I pull out of the driveway and the last few weeks flash by in my head for what has to be the billionth time since they told me.

            "Justin, sweetheart, Lindsay was pregnant. Nine weeks." I look over Mom's face for a few seconds to see if she's kidding. Once I come up with nothing, I close my eyes and lean back into the pillows with my head turned towards the ceiling. I sigh trying to contain my emotions. Why me? Why would you choose now to take the love of my life and our unborn child away? I sigh again and start to drift off. Almost immediately I hear Lindsay's voice.

            "Jus, I'm going to be picking you up!" I straighten up from packing my bags.

            "But I thought you said you had to work or a class or something?" I ask a little weary about believing it right away.

            "Yea, a class. But I got out of it. I absolutely can't wait to see you and I have something very...important to tell you. Something that I believe is really exciting for us!" She knew, that day. She knew she was pregnant. She was going to tell me, she just hadn't had the time. I feel the tears silently start to fall threw my closed lashes. Within minutes, I'm shaking in my silent sobs as my mom climbs in bed next to me wrapping me in her arms, trying to sooth me. It doesn't work. Nothing can help the hole and pain in my heart now.

            I shake my head clear of my thoughts and take in my surroundings. The cemetery. I look around through my window and windshield. Everyone kept refusing to take me to the grave. I refuse to call it ‘her' grave. Thinking they know what I need right now and that to be reminded that she's gone is definitely not it. If they only knew that there is no way that I could ever not remember her or be reminded of that fact. I slowly get out of the car, taking deep calming breaths as I walk through the cemetery looking for the stone. Again, I refuse to think of it as ‘her' stone. With only about a five minute walk from my car, I see her name, etched in elegant script across the smooth surface. As I get closer, I read and re-read the scripture till it's burned into my brain. I don't say anything. Just stand there quietly, almost peacefully, staring and reading the words.

            "Sweetie, you'll never be without me. I'll always be right in here, tucked away, just a pleasant memory. Now you must go back. I love you." I sigh as I remember those words. And suddenly I do feel as if she is right here with me. "I love you too." I mumble ever so softly to the empty air.

            "Baby, sometimes, life is all about the goodbyes. I need you to let me go. I want you to find your own happiness again." Running those words through my head repeatedly, I look down at the sprouts of grass starting to grow in the semi-fresh dirt. Slowly bringing my eyes back up the stone, I see some smaller writing right along the bottom. I kneel down a little bit to see it better, and once I do, I read a set of very different quotes.

            "People hold onto something because they're afraid nothing that great will ever happen to them again." Is that what I'm doing?

            "If tears could build a stairway, And memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven, And bring you home again." Like hell I would too.

            "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal." Staring at this one, reading it over and over, and I just get the feeling that they picked that one just for me. Her parents that is. I look back up at her name upon the stone. Taken way too soon.

            I stand there silently for a few more minutes. I start to turn away, when I hear her voice again, I turn back. "I need you to let me go." I nod to myself. I glance around me briefly, before reciting a quote of my own that I remember hearing somewhere.

            "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." I whisper softly to her. I know she's here. I can just feel it. I look around me again, and start to turn away a second time, hearing her voice yet again. This time though, new words are spoken softly, right by my ear, well so it feels like. "I need to know that you let me go Jus." I whip back around, looking around me wildly. Still alone. I sigh again saying the words I really wish I didn't need to say. For her and me.

            Barely above a whisper, I say what she needs to know, "I do. There are no more goodbyes." I slowly turn and walk back to my car and drive back home.