"Hi, I'm Emmanuelle."

It was like I was watching myself on a television drama. What was happening inside me was a pure state of confusion and panic. I know it seems like I'm probably overreacting, but no. I saw the way JC Chasez looked at this woman. There was no mistake in my mind that JC was attracted to this girl, physically at least. Body language doesn't lie.

Was it something I deserved? Finally being able to say, "I choose to be with you, JC" only to find that everything I'd been doing the past couple years was slapping me in the face at once? There was nothing to worry about if they were only talking to one another, yes that's true. But no one else saw what I saw. No one saw the smile on his face, fresh and new, like he'd never smiled before.

The second JC saw my face, it was like the blood had drained from his entrie body. He looked sick to his stomach.....disgusted even. He couldn't take his eyes off of mine, scared because he was unsure of what I might do. But why? There was nothing I could even TRY to do. JC wasn't my boyfriend. JC still had a girlfriend. JC had himself a new friend.

2001: "My heart did time in Siberia..."

"Zahra."

I snapped out of my daze and looked up into the deep blue eyes of Justin Timberlake. Not even his sweet, angel-faced self, could pull me out of the twisted and dark depths of my mind I sometimes found myself lost in. I glanced at my surroundings, remembering that I was in the studio with the guys again. They were recording a song entitled "Something Like You", written by Justin and Robin Wiley. I could barely even acknowledge the beauty of the song because I was so out of it.

"Yeah," I answered.

"We're taking a break, do you mind running out to grab us something to eat?" Justin asked as he handed me his debit card. I shook my head and took the card, quickly leaving the room. I left so fast, I didn't even stay to hear what they wanted to eat. I'll call him when I get in the car. Right now, I needed to get away from here. I didn't even get to turn the engine on before I heard the car door open and slam shut.

"Justin...," I said as I turned to my right. I quickly bit back my reaction of seeing it was not Justin at all in the passenger seat. JC.

It had been at least four or five weeks since the incident at the studio session. Of course, I politely greeted Emmanuelle and then asked Justin to take me home. I zoomed out of there like my feet were on fire, I didn't even hear JC finish the rest of my name as he called it out. I didn't take any of JC's phone calls mostly because....he never called. He didn't bother trying to explain himself. To me, that meant he was too shamed to face me. I could be wrong, but I could also be right.

Justin especially wanted me to be at the studio when they had started recording his track, which brought me here again. I felt terrible because I was there in flesh, but not in spirit. I didn't feel comfortable with being in such close quarters with JC. I just kept to myself, and lifted my head when I was being spoken to. It hurt Justin to see me this way, because he didn't know what was causing it. None of the guys did. Which meant, JC hadn't spoken a word about it. I think if the guys knew anyway, they'd probably think I was blowing things out if proportion. I know how men can be, just nonchalant about everything. They all seemed to get on well with Emmanuelle, especially Joey and Lance since they had been filming a movie with her.

I focused my eyes to the front of me and switched on the engine. I didn't even have it in me to throw JC out of the car. I barely think I cared enough to want to throw him out. I was quiet, not uttering a word to him, and I flipped on the stereo.

"Joey and Chris want Del Taco. Justin, Lance, and I want In-N-Out."

I didn't acknowledge anything he said out loud, but headed in the direction of the nearest Del Taco. Still, we drove in silence. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't hide the fact that I was feeling upset, because everyone in the studio knew I wasn't myself, even if they didn't know why.

"Zahra," JC said softly.

I felt my body tense up at the tone of his voice. I continued to keep my eyes on the road instead of answering him. But I know JC, and because I wasn't paying him any mind, he would talk to me until I spoke to him. If there was one thing I knew JC Chasez couldn't stand, it was being ignored. I was Queen of the Ignore.

"Zahra, talk to me."

I sniffed and moved my tongue over my teeth, humming the 102.7 KIIS FM tune.

"Zahhhhhraaaa," JC sang.

I looked behind me as I switched lanes, focusing all my attention back to the road. This was actually pretty new to me. I've never been successful at ignoring JC because I couldn't let myself. I always gave in.

"I'm not with Bobbi anymore," JC said.

Really now? Huh. That didn't make me feel like I thought it would. Finally, he breaks up with Blitzy and I don't feel any better. I was glad that he was able to free himself from her, but it wasn't for me. It was for his new friend and I knew it.

"We can finally be together."

Yeah, okay he just struck a nerve. I stopped the car and looked at JC. I was angry. He looked confused and a little afraid. Oh yes, be afraid Joshua. Be. Afraid.

"Don't you dare say that to me JC," I said. My voice was a few notches lower, sinister-like. "You broke up with Bobbi for Emmanuelle. Don't you even try to make it seem like it was for me."

"What? She's just a friend, Zahra."

"Just like I've been?" I shot. That quieted JC. I put the car in drive and pulled into the drive-thru of Del Taco. When we got up to the intercom, I rolled down the window and sat back. "Order what they want," I said to JC.

The car was silent as we drove to the next destination. How could he possibly think I'd believe that he left Bobbi so there could be an us? That just wasn't true and he knew it. I turned out of the In-N-Out parking lot and headed back to the studio. I could tell that the silence was taking JC to his breaking point. I pulled into the parking lot of the studio and shut off the car. I went to pull open the car door when the lock clicked shut. I snapped my head toward JC.

"I can still open the door, you know," I said.

"You can, but you still have to go through me to get into the studio," JC said.

I let out an annoyed sigh. "What JC, what do you want?"

"I want for you to listen to me and understand me clearly. Emmanuelle is just a friend. We all met her when we went on set with Joe and Lance."

"Okay, JC."

"I don't get you, Zahra." I didn't respond, only shooting him a 'what the hell are you talking about?' look. JC understood my face, rolling his eyes. "You get to play and screw around with Justin and that Montez dude, but I can't have a friend who's just a friend without you getting upset? You're being a hypocrite."

That shut me up. Okay. Justin and I did have something going on. JC didn't know it, but Justin and I had sex. He's right. Or...he was until I realized something. Yes, Justin and I did have a little fling going on, but that's how it's always been since we were kids. JC's the one who set it up for Justin and I to have something going on. Things only changed between JC and I when I was 16. By that time, I knew for sure that me and Justin were heading somewhere, that's why I never agreed to be his girlfriend. I thought Justin and I would have time for that later. These thoughts hit me hard; I can't believe I almost forgot about it.

"You make it seem like Justin randomly showed up. You placed him in this and made him a piece in your little game. All because you couldn't grow a pair and accept that you had a little crush on me. Dale made you come talk to me, right? For all these years you made it seem like it was Justin who asked you to come and introduce me to him. When in reality, Justin was clueless about me coming to meet him, wasn't he?" I asked.

"Zahra, you think you understand what happened that day, but you don’t. Regardless, you’ve expressed your love to me and you still carry on with Justin," JC responded.

"What's left for me to understand that can explain why you're running from me this time?"

......exactly like everyone said he would.

"I am not running from you..."

I scoffed. "You're not?"

I felt that strong wall of emotions I've been holding back, slowly start deteriorating. The pain was starting to show in my eyes, it could be heard in my voice, and I felt it in my heart.

"I feel like you can’t look at me without the life being sucked out of your face. When I stop feeling like that, then you can tell me you're not running from me."

I grabbed the Del Taco bags, unlocking the car door. I pushed it open, about to get out of the car, when I felt JC's hand on mine. I wanted to pull away, but I found myself looking into his eyes. Wow... . For the first time I've ever witnessed, it looked like there was no spark in JC's eyes as he stared back at me. There was nothing but fear and uncertainty masked behind a beautiful color. Seeing it for myself, I immediately felt the tears stream down my face, JC brushed his thumb across my cheeks, wiping them away.

"I wrote 'Selfish' for you," JC said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Unless you really mean it, those are only lyrics to a song. Right now, you can't even pretend to mean every single word written. You thought that I wasn't ready to love you, when you've never been ready to love me, either. I just....I wish you would've gave yourself up sooner."

2001: Ain't no sunshine....or maybe there is

I hated feeling the way I felt. I didn't know it'd be this bad. Heartbreak, I mean. JC could not understand that it wasn't about him being friends with Emmanuelle. It was that he was building this "friendship" based on fear of being with me and possibly, pain left over from Bobbi. I think back to how I should've listened to what Celeste and Joey said, even my mom. But at what cost? I'd have just felt the same way, only years earlier. Pain would have never been inevitable.

Celeste thought ice cream, talking, and crying would help me get back on my feet. But, I didn't want to talk or cry. I was sick to death of crying. I despise it even more now. Eating ice cream? Sure, why not? The thing that hurts most is that, I feel like I'll never get to tell JC how I really feel about him. The thought that JC will never stop being scared of me is now trapped inside my brain.

Does JC automatically assume that I've never been scared? How long did it take before I could finally even admit to JC that I did love him? Last year. Almost exactly around this time. But I was stupid enough to think that at least if we were both scared, we could work through it together. My mistake. Again.

I've no choice but to move on. What's done is done.

----------
"So you've known those guys in *NSYNC since you were 12?" Christopher Montez asked me.

"Yeah. I have a brash, loud-mouthed friend from The Bronx to thank for that," I laughed.

The one person to put an actual smile on my face in almost a month. A Montez. Like everyone else, besides Celeste, I didn't tell Chris what happened. I didn't need to because, one, he didn't know enough about my life with the guys. I kept my knowing of them separate from my personal social life. The two wouldn't mix any better for me than it would for the guys. Still, whatever Montez thought I was going through, he was there to make me feel better.

"I think it's sad that I don't have to guess who you're talking about. I just know it's Cel," he smiled.

I chuckled softly as I laid my head on his shoulder. We were sitting next to each other on the fourth floor of our college's library, studying for our upcoming finals. The library was where we met almost two years ago. It was Chris' last year as an undergrad and I was really hoping he'd come back for grad school, but I knew it was a long shot. The guy worked his ass off for his grades and he had the opportunity to go to the best grad schools out there. Why would he come back?

"Is that the reason you've been down lately. You miss those dudes?" Chris asked.

They are doing the Popodyssey Tour now, and I won't be seeing them for awhile. But by now, I was so used to time constraints, I knew how to work around it. Chris was sweet for asking, the look on his face let me know how seriously concerned he was about me. I still couldn't tell him the real reason of why I was upset, though. I barely knew the real reason myself.

"Yeah, I won't be seeing them for awhile and.....I didn't give them the proper good-bye's," I replied, realizing that what I said was indeed true. I needed to call Justin and give him and the guys my love and support. And I mean ALL the guys.

I was over being angry at JC to the point where I used to miss his calls and ignore him. Now, I was just sulking in his leftover confusion. We still speak to each other, because I still felt the same whether we didn't talk or not. JC being scared and taking his course of action to feel mighty again, only made me scared of him. I don't know if I can trust JC. We've both been at the end of one another's manipulation, but...this was deliberation. I didn't know how to make myself think that JC wasn't going for this girl to intentionally hurt me.

"Aww, well, there's some lovely psychological studies you can read to make yourself feel better," Chris teased.

I nudged his arm, smiling at him. See? See how he was always encouraging me to feel better? Chris was such a great friend to me. In the back of my mind, I can't help but think of how much more better I could've been to him. How much better I will be.

"What do you say, after this, you come back to my house and....I make you dinner?" I offered.

I watched how Chris instinctively jerked back, eyebrows raised, thrown by my invitation. Crap, am I really that bad when it comes to us hanging out together? I know that I've never offered to cook him dinner....or so much as hint it, but damn.

"Yes....yes, I would love that," Chris smiled. I had never seen him smile at me in that way. It wasn't one of those smiles you give to be polite. Bashful, that's what his smile was.

"Great," I said as I spun my chair back to my little cubicle. My cheeks were warm. I chewed the inside of my cheek and spun back. "Do you have anything in mind that you want for dinner?"

Chris bit his lip. "Is that a trick question?"

I bit back my smile. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want me to mean?" he asked, grinning.

I shook my head and chuckled. Chris always flirted, but this was different. Everything about him right now wasn't how I was used to seeing him. I think I was finally seeing Chris as someone other than a classmate. We spent a lot of time together, told each other things, had many qualities and traits that gelled well with each other. He was there to cheer me up, or there when I needed him. He was sort of like....a best friend to me.

"Is THAT a trick question...," I smiled.

"Guess we'll find out," he said, sticking his nose back into his book. I blushed and did the same.

I sat at the counter, waiting for Chris to show up. He wanted to grab a shower before coming over. I did the same, and now I was waiting. I don't know why I'm nervous, Chris has been to my house so many times. He's such a well-known face around here, my mom doesn't even greet him individually anymore. She just says "hey kids". I giggle at that, actually. No matter how old we get, we're still kids.

The phone rang, and I quickly reached for it. Immediately, I started thinking it was Chris calling to tell me he couldn't come.

"Hello," I greeted.

"Hey..."

My mood deflated a little, just like that. It was JC.

"Hey...what's up?" I asked.

"Nothing much, just wondering what you were up to. We haven't spoken in a while," he replied.

I smiled. I smiled? "JC...it's only been a week and some change."

I heard his soft chuckle. I think that might have been a first, too. "It always feels longer when I don't speak to you."

I shifted in my seat. "Josh..."

"Zahra. Whether you choose to believe me or not, I miss you."

Once again, my body tensed up at the sound of his voice. "I miss you, too, JC." If only he knew how much...

"Do you still love me?" he asked.

I didn't want to be put in this type of mood, not when Chris was coming over. Did he think I was that upset with him? Even if I was, it would be hard to just stop loving someone I spent six or seven years being in love with.

"Of course I still love you," I replied. "The question is if you still love me."

"I do still love you, Zahra."

"Remember when we were in Florida last year and we got into that argument? We were in your kitchen, not speaking, when you came up to me and kissed me. You said that you could see it in my eyes how much I loved you, but you needed to hear it. I hear that you love me, but I don't see it...and I don't feel it." I heard my doorbell and I quickly wiped my face. "I've gotta go, Josh. I'll call you later tonight, okay?"

"Yeah...yeah of course," JC said solemnly.

I hung up the phone, needing to take a few breaths. I didn't like hearing him sound sad, and I'm sure he felt the same way about me. I wanted to be in those arms, kissing those sweet lips, feeling that slim frame pressed tightly against me. It wasn't easy to just go and be with JC. It never was.

I ran to the door and opened it. Chris came inside, his long curly hair pulled back into its' usual ponytail, a novelty t-shirt, and baggy jeans. We hugged, and I inhaled his scent, my knees got wobbly. He smelled amazing. I pushed the door close and went to meet Chris in the kitchen.

"So, you can have Italian, Mexican, or plain old American food," I said.

"I'd rather have something brown-skinned, about five feet tall, sweet smile, nice body, and the best personality ever, for dinner," Chris joked.

I rolled my eyes. "You're sick."

"Sick? How? For wanting the biggest chocolate bunny ever?" Chris teased.

I laughed at his silliness. "Out of the choices, dork."

"I'd love some Mexican food. What are we making?" he asked.

"We? I told you I'd make it," I replied.

"Yeah, but I think it's rude to let you do it alone. I'd love nothing more than to help."

"Thanks Chris. We're gonna make huge burritos. Let's hope we don't eat ourselves sick," I smiled.

"Great."

We stood in my kitchen, chopping up onions, lettuce, tomatoes, and peppers. I cooked the chicken while Chris was tending to the tortillas. The joking, the laughing, the conversations about any and everything....it all reminded me of JC. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him, but these days, it was all I did. I don't know if I was wishing for the day when he was no longer on my mind.

"Wow, we make the best burritos ever. I'll open up a food truck for extra hustle if you're down," Chris said, handing me a piece of gum.

"Yeah, right. I don't think either of our moms would be too pleased to hear their kids are in the food truck business," I said.

"It's funny how we're adults and to them we still look like children who can't do anything."

"Yeah, but that's forever how it'll be," I said grabbing our plates and placing them in the sink.

"Hey....thanks for inviting me to dinner, I had a lot of fun tonight."

"You're welcome. I had fun, too."

"Walk me to the door?" Chris asked.

I nodded and followed him to the door. I had my hands behind my back, fiddling with my fingers. Chris opened his arms for a hug and I indulged him. His hands wrapped around me, holding onto my lower back, as my palms were flat against his back.

He pulled away from me slower than usual, staring down at me. My eyes closed, feeling Chris' hand cupping the side of my face. Chris leaned closer to me and gently kissed my lips. I accepted, and he pulled me closer into him. His tongue caressed against mine, my arms wrapping around his neck. Chris continued to peck my lips a few times, and then we finally pulled apart. Oh my...

"Was this a date?" Chris asked.

I shrugged. "We did make dinner together....and we kissed each other good night. Sounds like a date."

Chris smiled and pecked my lips again. "Night."

"Night."

I was not expecting that kiss to happen. I also wasn't expecting myself to like it. I liked it a lot. This certainly wasn't what I had in mind for dinner. I have to tread softly.

 

So! That kiss, huh? Two things: I didn't bring it up the next day at school. Chris didn't either. I didn't really have anything to say about it yet. There was definitely a lot to discuss, since he kissed me and I let him. I wasn't in any condition to start a relationship, especially a relationship with someone who wasn't JC. So, that's not an option whatsoever.

Yeah. About JC. I called him back, well, the hotel room, and Justin picked up. He told me that JC couldn't come to the phone because he was writing in his notebook. Justin didn't want to disturb him or mess up his creative flow. After rolling my eyes quite a few times while Justin explained the importance of a super creative period, I told him to tell JC I'd call him back.

I wonder what JC was writing...

2001: Tell Me, Tell Me...Baby

Isn't it a wonderful morning?!?!

No.

It's a horrible morning. I hate mornings. Especially mornings that begin with my cell phone ringing at six in the morning. There's only three people crazy enough to call me at this time: Celeste, Justin, and JC. I feel very sorry for whoever the lucky victim turns out to be.

"I'm contemplating sticking my hand through the phone and ripping your face off, so this better be good."

"You really should stop watching violent movies."

It was Justin.

"You should really start watching the clock. It's 6 AM, somebody better be dying." As you can see, Zahra plus morning equals Bobbi Syndrome (unwarranted bitchiness).

"I am dying.....dying to know what the heaven and hell is going on," Justin said.

"Going on where?" I asked.

"Don't be a smart ass, you know what I'm talking about," Justin replied sharply.

I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth. I knew this was coming, I just hoped he'd be the typical male and forget all about it. But no, not Justin.

"There's nothing going on, Angel-face," I finally said.

"You're lyin' your ass off."

I smiled and shook my head. "Okay, what exactly do you want to know about?"

"You've been out of it, and JC's been out of it. I think there's a problem between you two," Justin added sarcastically."

I looked up at the *NSYNC posters I had on my wall. JC had a bright smile in them all. Yes, I still have posters, who doesn't? Shut up.

"There's a slight rift," I said.

"Slight, my ass. You both have been acting like a part of you died. I thought you guys worked it out. What happened that day at the studio, Zahra?" he asked.

"I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if you'll understand what I'm trying to say," I replied.

"Try me. I don't like seeing two of the most important people in my life like this. Me and the guys are trying our best not to show how worried we are about C, but...it's getting to us."

"Okay. When I was leaving the studio and walked back into the hallway, I saw JC talking to Emmanuelle."

"That's it?! Zee, she's just a friend of ours."

"No, J. I saw the way he looked at her, the way he was standing, and the way he spoke to her. Then to have him look up and see me, and not have that look be endearing. I thought it was just the moment of me catching him putting the moves on her, but it wasn't. When we were in the car, he could barely look at me. I didn't believe anyone when they told me, JC was gonna run from me because he was scared. Well....that's what he's doing. So I let him," I explained.

"Wow." Justin chuckled, not saying anything. "I cannot believe you didn't think I would understand that."

Qué? How could Justin possibly understand that?

"I don't know how you would," I said.

"I've seen Britney look at Wade that way before. At the time, I didn't think much of it. She's a sweet, polite girl. Then when she looked at me, that look just wasn't there. Resentment was, though. So, I understand, Zahra."

I felt horrible. I got so caught up in my own thing, I didn't acknowledge that Justin really might have understood me, and better than I think. Come to think of it, I haven't asked him about his relationship at all. We didn't speak about anything relating to it. At least not since we slept together.

"I'm sorry, Justin," I said quietly.

"Sorry for what?" he asked.

"About everything that led to that night in my basement," I replied.

"Why would you be sorry? We're consenting adults and we both wanted it. Badly. You don't need to apologize, Zahra, my relationship was on the rocks before that day at the video shoot. I mean, don't you think it was about time, anyway?" he asked.

I bit back my smile. "Justin."

"What? Seriously, how long did you think sex between us would be avoided?"

"Not for as long as it did, I can tell you that much," I replied.

"Ah, seems like when I came to visit you for the first time, I wasn't the only one with things on his mind."

"You weren't. I still apologize for not being able to make a decision earlier and playing with your emotions. I never intended for anything to get to such a point. Us fan girls are nothing but trouble," I teased.

"Thank you, Zahra. And trust me, we MMC boys are just as crazy."

I giggled and shook my head. Why couldn't it be Justin who was the one for me? We just got each other. He was always there for me, even when he was mad at me. I don't know what it was about us that couldn't have a deep love for each other. Only deep lust. How much trouble could our lust for one another might have gotten us in?

"Wish we could be young and stupid again?" I asked.

"Every damn day. Until I realize that we're still really young and really stupid," he laughed.

"That's right, brother. REALLY stupid. Are we ever gonna be smart?" I asked.

"You, maybe next week. Me? I'm thinking 48, if I'm lucky," he replied.

I laughed. "Oh J, stop it. I think by 30 you'll be fine."

"Do you not see Chris?" he asked.

"Chris is a basket case, he doesn't count," I answered.

"I had you on speaker for a sec, you dork! Crap. Chris said to cram it with walnuts." I snickered, Chrissy's being pissy again. "How long is this rift between you and JC gonna last?"

"I don't know, J. I can't force JC to do anything."

"You're just gonna let him slip away to Emmanuelle?"

"If he's into her, what can I do? I don't wanna interfere in his life anymore."

2001: When it rains, it pours

Know those old days I used to go on about my mother purposely inviting world-known pop stars over to the house and not telling me? I'm 20 and that crap still hasn't changed. I waltzed down the stairs thinking, since no one was home and I wasn’t going anywhere, I could wear an old midriff shirt and some spandex. And to my surprise....

"AAAAAAH!!!" I screamed. Five pairs of eyes shot my way, all matched with a look of confusion.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" Chris asked.

"And what's that you're wearing?" Justin smiled deviously.

"Oh, because it's normal for five men to just be sitting in my kitchen," I smartly replied.

"After all these years you still can't get the hang of it?" Chris said. I shot him a "shut your face look", rolling my eyes.

"Again....what are you wearing? I like it. I really like it," Justin said.

I knew what Justin was doing. He was trying to get a rise out of JC. Seemed to be working just fine, I saw JC roll his eyes. But was that because he was actually bothered or because it was just the norm between us three? I couldn't tell. Either way, I had to stop Justin and his silly behavior.

"Shut uuuuup," I sang.

"What? I think JC can agree that your top and those spandex work for you, right C?"

The open-mouthed look on my face said it all. Oh that Justin is SATAN. SATAN, I say! I saw Chris biting back his smile, while Joey and Lance sat, eagerly waiting for a response.

"They do work, but I think the point of her wearing it was because she didn't think we'd be here. We're just rude, showing up in kitchens and eating all their food," JC said, the corner of his lips turning upward slowly.

A familiar feeling washed over me. I'd get a fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever JC began to smile. "Y'all ate my food, too? We're going grocery shopping, right?" I smiled.

It was like everyone in the room who wasn't me or JC let out a sigh of relief. I guess they were expecting something left field and more violent. But like I said, JC and I spoke to each other civilly. Okay, so it did get a little awkward sometimes. But heck, we have a past. It's working on the present and future that brings the issue.

"I'd love to take you grocery shopping," JC began. "But not until you go change."

"Why?" I asked. I saw the look JC had in his eyes and a chill shot throughout my entire body. It was like he was slowly undressing me with them. God, I missed that body of his, and being taken over by it. Why don't I feel your love for me? I miss you.

"I wanted to wear that outfit first," JC teased.

I giggled. He was really trying to make me smile. I admit, it was working. But for how long? It was great knowing we could still goof around like this, but when he was finally single, I couldn't kiss him. That was the hard realization. We are completely ass backwards and it bites.

"Everyone knows, I'd be the best looking in that outfit," Justin said.

"WHAAAT?! No freakin' way, I've got the curves," Joey shot.

Were they really arguing over this crap? Good grief. My guys. This wouldn't have even happened had someone just TOLD me, it was *NSYNC's turn to be in my kitchen. I covered my face, shaking my head as I walked down to the basement. I had a package of small ice cream cups in the freezer that I didn't mind sharing.

"I meant what I said."

I jumped, letting go of the freezer door, and it slammed shut. I knew it was JC, I just didn't know he followed me. What, does he not have feet and he floated? Maybe he's a ghost. That'd explain Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, and Fred, up there. Lance is obviously Fred, the others are indefinitely interchangeable.

"Jace, you scared me," I said.

"I'm sorry." His eyes darted around, then settled back to me. "For everything."

"Don't be sorry, JC. Be here to love me, that's all I want," I said.

JC stepped in toward me, I was leaned against the freezer. I read it as him wanting to hug me, but I was afraid to. I was worried if I let him touch me, I'd end up pardoning what was happening between us. Or wasn't happening. It's not like I have the best track record of stopping things between JC and I. But, of course, he wasn't about to let me interfere with his golden opportunity.

JC gently tugged me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my waist. Though his structure was slender, it completely engulfed my own. His familiar fragrance overtook my everything. Feeling his body again after such a long time, a year, I felt my throat quiver. God damn it all to hell. On top of almost crying, I was dying. I could feel his breath faintly on my neck, and my eyes rolled back into my head.

Once he pulled back a little, still embracing me, our eyes met. A flicker of hope in me lit up, thinking I'd see a something in his eyes, but it wasn't there. JC held the sides of my face, then covered my lips with his own. It was like we both got electrocuted, because it went from sweet to intense in a matter of seconds. My entire being sighed once my tongue collided with his. JC couldn't wait to get his hands on me; I knew it when his eyes first took a good look at me in these spandex. He caressed and squeezed my ass, causing our kiss to get intensely heated.

I was lifted on top of the freezer, biting on JC's lip. I let out a soft moan feeling the tip of his tongue slide across my collarbone. The body heat coming from JC was warm and enticing, I pulled him closer. I just wanted to feel him against me, I wanted his comfort. JC laid me across the freezer and began to place light kisses on my stomach. He circled his tongue around my belly button, moving further down. I felt my spandex being pulled by his teeth, away from my skin. I chose a great day to go commando. Genius. Once I felt JC's lips kiss the side of my lower hip, I moaned a little. OKAY, I am letting this get too hot.

I shot up straight. "JC, stop."

It was as if JC snapped out of a dream state. He stepped backward until his bottom found the armrest of the couch, panting hungrily. I wasn't trying to be cruel. I didn't want JC to stop. See how far I let things get before I threw in the towel? A quick, hot and naughty romp wasn't going to solve everything between us. Though, every other part of me said otherwise.

"I'm going insane without you, Zee."

"I know the feeling. But we have a lot to work out, Josh."

"We?" JC repeated.

"Yes, we. In light of all this happening, you've scared me," I answered.

"I wouldn't hurt you, Zee."

"I've been letting you hurt me for years," I responded bluntly. "Yet, I still want to be here for you. Wanting you, craving for you, in love with you. I don't know if you want to give the same back to me."

JC was quiet, staring down as he tangled and untangled his fingers. I wanted to eat my words, but I couldn't. I spoke the truth. Neither of us are prepared for what we thought we might be. I want him to tell me why he's so scared, not anyone else just speculating. I have to know.

"I don't know what to tell you. I really don't."

"Look me in the eye and admit you're afraid of me."

JC walked back over to me and held my hands gently in his own. I waited patiently for his eyes to find mine. He was ruining me. I hated that this one person was able to command so many emotions inside me all at once.

"I'm afraid of you."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know."

I released a breath. Damn. I knew this was a bit too easy.

"Do you think I don't really mean it when I say I love you?" I asked.

"No. I know you mean it because it took forever for you to even admit you had real feelings for me," he replied.

"Are you worried about me and Justin?"

"Not entirely, no. Whatever happens or has happened between you guys isn't my business. You obviously made a choice that couldn't have been easy for you."

"Then tell me what, because whatever it is, I wanna help you with it."

"I wish I knew, Zee."

"You do know, you just have to wanna know."

"I do wanna know."

"Then take however long you need to find out. Because you're right, I did make a difficult choice."

"Zahra, God damn it."

"Just find me when you've got it figured out."

I released his hands and started to walk back toward the staircase. JC grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. I hurt JC with my words, I know. I was not trying to purposely hurt him, I was only being honest.

"What if I never figure it out?" JC asked.

"Then I guess we won't be able to force it any longer." I pressed my lips to the back of his hand. "I'll still be here. You know the number, address, and you have the key if you ever need to talk."

I was hurting, it felt like I was vomiting out these words. It didn't register to JC yet, but I was slowly letting him go. I had to, it was best for us. If he didn't see what was out there, he'd resent me for pushing him into something neither of us seem to be ready for.

"Zee, you're the worst at putting on a good face when you're upset. Don't bullshit me. Say to me what you keep letting yourself reject," JC said.

I blinked away my tears. I tried to not let this get the best of me, but I felt so crappy. The truth didn't matter, it wouldn't change anything.

"J....." I couldn't even finish his name.

"Say it. Be honest with me. What you're saying to me doesn't match with those tears," JC said wiping my eyes.

"I don't understand why a part of you hates me so much, you can't love me."

What did JC say to me? What was his response? If you actually thought I'd get an answer, you don't really know JC. It's not like I expected an answer anyway. But sometime soon, I don't know when, I'll expect and will get an answer. Thinking of JC with Emmanuelle, whether it was friendly or whatever, was horrid. I'm sure somewhere down in Hell, Bobbi was laughing her ass off. But I deserve it, huh? All these years of trying to have my cake and eat it too was finally coming back to me. If this was how it felt, I'd never do this to another human being again. Ever.

In thinking about it, I thought of Justin. Did I make him feel the way I felt now? Was I on the way to making Chris feel like this? Oh no, Chris. I had to talk to him about our kiss. I couldn't lead him on, it wasn't fair. I have to tell him the truth. I owe it to him.

On a bright note, Lance invited me to go to Las Vegas for another Challenge For The Children. That was the signal it really had been a year. New York felt like yesterday and was now only a vivid memory. Why was it Lance always managed to throw me on a tour bus when I was amidst some personal journey to trying to better myself? I'm just gonna speak it into existence right now: something's gonna happen between JC and I, whether it be positive or negative, it's gonna happen. There. Now all I have to do is sit back and wait.

What? Everyone knows it's true!

2001: ONE damn bus!

Okay, my advice to anyone who never goes anywhere: befriend someone famous before they get famous. The perks are ridiculous. Vegas? What?! I know I'm not coming back when I'm legal to gamble, so I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of this trip. The only difference between this time and my other trips with the guys, is that we're all sharing one bus. One. Bus. ONE. BUS. The definition of chaos will have to be changed after this. I'll only be on the bus for a couple of hours, maybe four if the traffic is bad. That says quite a bit about being on ONE BUS with *NSYNC.

"Heyyy, who shoved a spoon in my ice cream?!" Chris called out.

My eyes widened as I pulled a spoon out of my mouth. Wuh-oh. I stuck the spoon down in my thighs before Chris turned around. His eyes darted back and forth between me and Joey. Shit, I can't swallow the ice cream, it's too cold!

"Who did it?" Chris asked.

"Wasn't me," Joey said, throwing his hands up.

"Zee..?" Chris asked.

"Mope, wamn't mre," I said with my mouth full.

"Zahra, ughhhh!" Chris yelled.

After I swallowed the ice cream, I started cracking up. I'm talking a good gut busting giggle. I hadn't giggled that hard in the longest time. I AM the worst liar. I had ice cream all on the side of my mouth. Simply terrible.

"I'm sorry, Chris. I didn't know it was yours, I thought it was community ice cream," I smiled.

"It is! Community of Calvin Kirkpatrick!"

I laughed and shook my head as I got up and walked to the back room. JC and Justin were sitting comfortably in their own spots, watching television. I came in and closed the door back, finding a spot where I could sprawl across them. I had my back against JC's legs and my legs were on Justin's thighs. Another perk of befriending the famous before they're famous? Furniture.

"Thanks for nearly dropping your midget feet on my ball-sack, I'm sure I won't ever need them," Justin remarked.

I rolled my eyes. "And you won't have them if you keep on. What are you guys watching?"

"I dunno, some chick flick. In my defense JC was watching it before I came in here," Justin said.

"Yet, he's hasn't moved for the last forty-five minutes," JC smiled.

"Whatever," Justin said. "What was Chris yelling about?"

"I spooned his ice cream and lied, terribly, about it," I replied.

"You know, we don't say you're the worst liar just for shits and giggles," Justin cracked.

"So I've noticed," I said.

"Shhh! Damn y'all talk more than black peop....ooh, sorry Zee," JC teased.

I smacked his leg, trying not to laugh. Maybe this trip wouldn't be as bad as I was thinking. Who knows, maybe just this ONCE, fun is all everyone's gonna have. For once, I wasn't going to make this about what was happening with JC. After all, the point is to do something for someone else and take a breather from the reality while doing so. Being in that sulking state I found myself in, I needed to have some fun. I will have fun.

I looked up at JC and saw something I can't believe I didn't notice. Appalled at my lack of noticing, I gasped. Oh my GOD, I think I'm having an orgasm. His and Justin's eyes shot at me.

"What?" Justin asked.

I reached my hand up and sank my fingers into JC's hair. "Curly hair...."

"Oh God," Justin rolled his eyes. JC smiled and touched my chin.

"Shut up, Justin," I said. "I like your hair curly, JC."

"Thank you. Uh, are you gonna check out the stuff with us before the skills challenge starts?" JC asked me.

I started to decline, but Justin shot me a 'don't you fuckin' dare say no' look. I cursed Justin inside my mind, and nodded. What was Justin Randall up to? I rarely saw his DYFDSN look, so he was planning or planned something. But what? Justin can't be trying to "fix" me and JC, right? I hope he's smart enough to know that he can't be Mr. Bucket, scooping up all the pieces. JC and I had to fix this on our own, we just needed time.

"Great. I hope we raise more money this year than last year," JC said.

"That'd be awesome. I was hoping I'd get to gamble," I smiled.

"In your dreams! If I can't go, you can't go. We can just watch Barney with the rest of the kids," Justin joked.

"Y'all stop. We are gonna be having so much fun, you won't even care about gambling," JC said.

We? Is that so?

2001: Viva Las Vegas!

The chaos on the bus ride was ridiculous like I said it would be. One thing I failed to mention was that I would be the one who initiated the chaos. Hey, it was only for two hours! If we were going to, I don't know, New Orleans, I would've just left it be. We played a mild version of strip poker. I lie. THEY played a mild version of strip poker, and I was the perverted spectator. Another perk of knowing the famous before they were famous? Tricking THEM into doing stupid stuff and not include yourself. Men.

When we arrived in Vegas, I marveled at the sights before me. I 'oohed' at almost everything. For a good while, I forgot about everything I was letting bother me. As I should, right? Maybe JC and I backing off a bit could be better for him and myself. I know I have a lot of growing up to do before I throw myself into a committed relationship. I guess that's what JC was doing and I had to understand. At least that's what I was telling myself.

I took on my position as Justin's assistant (yeah I've assisted him, I know) once we were getting off the bus. There were a few fans standing near the entrance to the hotel, and like always, the guys stopped to sign a few autographs and take a few photos. A few of them were whispering amongst themselves, trying to figure out who I was. I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, I merely heard.

I continued inside the hotel and checked in to get my room. I was handed a room key, and I assumed that I'd be getting my own room, since Lance never mentioned me rooming with anyone. I was so glad that air conditioning had been invented because that Nevada heat was nothing to play with.

I stepped out of the elevator, eighth floor, and walked to my right, searching for my room number. 806. I stopped right in front of the door, slid the key in and it clicked open. Before taking a real look at my surroundings, I closed the door behind me and dropped my bags near an armchair far off to the right. I gaped at the curtains and knew that I was in for a surprise because a matching window had to be behind it. The bathroom had a shower AND a separate jacuzzi tub. The vanity mirror? Every girl's dream, vain or not. I didn't take notice to anything else because I soon became entranced by the huge king-sized bed, complete with a plethora of pillows. I didn't ask questions, all I did was kick off my shoes and run to jump on the bed.

My body sank comfortably into the mattress. Oh, a little piece of heaven right in the bedroom. I didn't even move when I heard the door click open. Wait what? How could the door click open? I didn't order room service.

"Hey I-- JC what are you doing in my room?" I asked.

"Um, I thought I was coming into MY room," he replied slowly.

I coughed, choking on the air intake I just had. "Excuse me? This is my room, there's no way it's yours, too. Lemme see that key, please."

I shot off the bed and dashed to JC, who was still standing by the door, though he'd dropped his belongings near mine. JC handed me the key. I looked at the card, the numbers 806 were printed clearly on it. Ok, what the spectacular fuck is going on? Why does JC have a key to my— we're sharing a room. Why are we sharing a room with one bed?

"JC who booked the rooms?" I asked.

"I don't know, but Justin had to remind....JUSTIN!" JC said through gritted teeth.

Wow, Justin really IS Satan. I am going to kill him and send him straight home to Hell. How could he do this? Now that I got a good look at this room....it was no doubt, a honeymoon-type suite. Were Justin and the guys really trying this hard to get JC and I together?

"I'm gonna go get another room," JC said.

"Don't do that. We can share just fine," I said. It was true. We shared a house for years and we've shared a space together before. We'll be fine.

"Are you sure you'd be okay with us sharing?" he asked.

I hesitated for a moment. If anything, this room belonged to JC. He was the one in the group who was hosting the event. I was the unlikely guest.

"Yes, I'd be okay. We will be okay," I assured.

"Okay, I like to sleep on the--"

"Left side of the bed, I know," I finished.

A small smirk crept across JC's face. "You know that?"

"Yeah I do," I replied. "Now excuse me, I was busy before you came in. I ran and jumped back onto the bed.

"Scoot over," JC said.

My body still sank comfortably into the bed, and I felt JC climb onto the bed. He got up on all fours and began to climb over me. I panicked a bit, I wasn't sure what he was doing just yet. He caught my eye for a second and climbed over me to the left side of the bed. Oh. Yeah. That's what he was doing. Why do I feel a bit disappointed, though?

"This is gonna be weird, isn't it?" I asked.

"Only if you want it to be. We just won't talk about our relationship, or lack thereof. You say I don't love you, I say I'm crazy about you."

I chuckled quietly. "Right."

"That's our problem right there."

"What, me? I'm the problem?" I asked.

"Your attitude is. I'm laying next to you, saying I love you and you won't even listen," he answered.

"JC, I'm not trying to be righteous or whatever because it's not only you that's causing this, I'm not innocent either. I'm only giving you the space you need."

"I don't need space, I need you," he snapped.

"Then what's with Emmanuelle?" I asked.

"Nothing's with her, she's a friend," he replied sternly.

"I've seen the way you look at her, Josh."

"How do you even know how I look at her?" he asked.

"Because you‘d look at me the same way."

"I still do."

"No you don't. Look, I understand that you wanna explore your options. I'll do the same."

JC let out an annoyed sigh as he sat up. "You'll do the same with who?"

"That's nothing for you to worry about," I replied. I set up a few pillows behind me and leaned my back against it.

"Come on, who? That Montez guy? Justin?" he asked.

"What if it is Justin? What if when he's single, he and I try to work something out?" I asked.

I could see the veins in JC's neck pulsating. I knew this guy had to be putting his foot in his mouth when he told me whatever happened between Justin and I didn't concern him. Bull.

"It's okay."

"Stop lying. Cut the shit and be honest with me. Say what's on your mind," I demanded.

"Fine. What's happened between you and Justin?" he asked.

"We’ve had sex. Once," I admitted.

JC scoffed, brushing his fingers through his wild and curly hair. "Wow."

"Ask me why I slept with Justin."

"Why'd you do it?" he asked, not even bothering to look at me.

"I had this silly thought in my head that if I gave into my urges with him, the relationship between you and I would be safer. Stupid, really. I keep letting Justin be stuck in between us."

"Why? Why don't you come to me?"

"Because Justin's so easy to run to."

"Do you love Justin?" JC asked.

The ultimate question. If we're being truthful with each other, I have no choice but to give him total honesty.

"Yes, I do. But I've been brushing him aside for you. Only to find you did the exact same thing to me with Bobbi. Maybe you and I really need to try out being away from each other."

"No."

"You can't say no, JC. I'm not asking your permission."

JC snaked his way closer to me, straddling me. Smart. Since he's packed on a bit more muscle, I couldn't move. Whether I want to or not is to be determined. He moved his face closer to mine, our lips were close, but not touching one another. My body was screaming on the inside. God damn him.

"I'm saying no," he whispered.

"That isn't gonna change my mind," I said.

"We'll be together in here all night, Zee."

"Why would I have to stay single while you go and frolic with other women?" I asked.

"Then let me frolic with you."

"Is it really that simple for us? I can't shake you not being able to look at me without needing a paper bag to puke in."

"I'm not giving you a blessing so you can date my best friend, Zahra."

I love how he completely dodged what I said. Further proving my point about us needing space. And I never even said I was gonna date his best friend, but it's obviously a huge issue between us.

"How long have we been doing this tango? Remember that I've always had feelings for Justin. You set us up that way, remember? I'm backing off to give us breathing room. We've lost the most important aspect of our relationship and that's being friends. Can we at least rebuild our friendship?" I asked.

JC pressed his lips against mine for a soft kiss. "We can try."

That first night being in bed with JC was rough. We were so used to sharing a bed together, it was difficult to share a bed separately. How do I explain? Okay, sharing together is being able to hold and kiss each other. Sharing separately, is basically being friends. We're in the same bed, but there's no romantic feelings. But that's so not the case with us. JC would turn to one side and his arm would end up across my stomach. I found myself moving closer to him, and wanting to be near him. We even kissed a few times, because it was what we were so used to doing. Eventually, though, I ended up on my side of the bed and he was on his.

2001: Almost official

When I woke up JC wasn't beside me, but I could hear the faucet running and I knew he was still in the room with me. I got up, making my way toward the bathroom. I walked in, seeing JC's eyes glance up at the mirror while he was brushing his teeth.

"Morning," I said, grabbing my toothbrush.

"Morning."

"How'd you sleep?" I asked.

JC rinsed out his mouth, putting his toothbrush away. "As if you don't know."

"I do know, that's why I asked," I said.

"Well, it sucked and usually I have no problem sleeping. What about you?" he asked.

"Sucked for me, too." I sighed. "I never said this was going to be easy."

"Of course it's not, we're trying to suppress our feelings for each other and cover it up with false friendliness. We can't TRY to be friends, we never stopped."

"You're saying that after ignoring me for almost a year, we're still best friends?" I asked.

"We have problems, what friends don't? I'm saying let's be together and work on it," he answered.

"There's so many issues between us that being together cannot fix. For one, we don't trust each other," I said.

"You can be such an annoying snot sometimes," JC sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

I snickered. "You're a booger yourself, Jace."

"Is this really what you want?" he asked.

No, of course not. But I won't rush into a relationship, knowing you're not all there. Knowing I might not be all there.

"Yes it's what I want," I said.

"Alright Zee, then I'll respect your wishes. I'll do whatever you want me to," JC agreed.

"You will? Whatever I want?" I asked.

He nodded. "Anything."

"Hold me."

All I wanted was to feel his body against mine because for awhile, I don't know how long, I might not feel his closeness again. Without hesitation, JC put his arms around me, and I placed my hands against his back. He held me tightly, like I wanted him to, rubbing my back gently.

"What else do you want me to do?" he whispered into my ear.

"Promise that if I'm making a mistake by doing this, you won't say I told you so," I replied looking up at him.

"I promise." His lips gently touched my forehead. "Can you promise me something else, too?" JC asked.

"Anything."

"Promise that you won't avoid me or push me away, no matter how much you want to. That we'll still be friends. Always."

"I promise."

JC pulled back a little from our embrace and touched his lips to mine. It was a light kiss, his lips were soft and a bit damp, simply perfect. Absolutely perfect. I looked up into those eyes that always melted me to my core and I knew that was the beginning of how we sealed our deal.

2001: Festively Festive

JC and I were down in the lobby, waiting for the guys, so we could all head over to get CFTC started. JC spent half the time in the lobby trying to talk me down from killing Justin the second I saw him. That second I did see Justin, I shot up from my seat and sped over to him. Obviously JC's talking didn't work.

Justin saw the look on my face and slowed down his walking. I was smiling, and he indeed needed to be very scared. I looped my arm through his as we walked to the tour bus. We stepped onto the bus, and I could see Chris trying to decipher what the actual hell was going on. I pushed Justin into the very back room, closing the door.

"Zahra?" Justin said.

"Sit down." Justin plopped down on a bean bag chair immediately.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I can't be-fucking-lieve you, Justin."

"What?"

"Did you have something to do with me and JC sharing a room?" I asked.

"Oh...that," he replied slowly.

"Justin." I was gritting my teeth, trying to keep calm.

"Okay, that was an accident, I swear it was," he started.

"Explain."

"I got the numbers jacked up. You were 806, and he was 816. But instead, I said 806 for both of you without realizing. I'm sorry I didn't say anything. If you want, you can have my room and JC and I can share," Justin explained.

"Oy vey," I sighed, placing my hand over my forehead. How Justin got 806 and 816 mixed up, I'll never know. Nor did I want to. I smiled. "You and JC sharing a bed? Can I watch?"

Justin rolled his eyes. "You need serious help. Everybody knows that I'm not JC's type."

"Oh please, you guys are so lovely dovey it's sickening. The fans have long picked up on it. When it all boils down to it, you're an Aquarius, he's a Leo, that could be a perfect match," I defended.

Justin looked up at me, grinning. Oh, no way. "Exactly. Perfect."

"I didn't mean me," I laughed.

"Does that laugh mean you won't bury me in the sand somewhere?" Justin asked.

"Of course not. At least not today," I replied.

"So you both are in that room. Did you guys...?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No! We only talked and we're gonna just take some time away from each other," I answered.

"Are you okay with that?"

"No but I will be," I said. That was the truth. Not okay, but I will be. "He knows we had sex, so he sorta thinks we might date?"

Justin's eyes widened. Okay, now it's his turn to bury me. "He knows what?!"

"We were being honest, I'm sorry," I apologized. I was saying sorry for more than that, I just realized I threw him in the middle. Again. Shit.

"Now he's gonna think.... Aw Zee," Justin whined.

"Don't worry about it. It's not like I'll be prancing around with anyone of the opposite sex for quite some time."

"You can be so stubborn and annoying, you know that?" Justin said.

I rolled my eyes. "I've heard, but don't too excited Princess Black Pot. What's your reasoning?"

"You know you love JC and you don't want to see him with Emmanuelle or anybody else. You know he can't bear to see you with another guy, but you add fuel to the fire by insinuating I'm a candidate. Yet, you're set on torturing him and yourself."

"I think it's something we need. Come on, if something happened between you and I there's obviously no reason for me to rush right into a committed relationship."

"There has always been something happening between us and I don't know if that'll change or not," Justin told me.

"It can. If we're both single, I think we should test the waters, see what it's like."

"Say what? How is that gonna make anything between you and JC better?" he asked.

"He won't feel threatened by you and I won't have the need to run to you if I don't get my way. Besides J, we don't have to tell anyone. It's purely for us, just to see what'll happen. If we go that route and it doesn't work, then we'll know that it can only be a platonic thing between us," I explained.

"Zahra, this could backfire on us. I don't wanna lose you."

"Randomly fucking each other can backfire on us, too," I said.

"Zee." He was trying not to smile. Justin loved when I said the word ‘fuck’. Especially if it was in the content of sex? Oh boy.

"At least, let's try. No commitments or anything, simply sorting through our feelings."

"What if we end up falling more in love with each other?" Justin asked.

"I think that's our problem, we're not able to be more in love with each other. That being said, if we don't handle these feelings now, we'll either regret or be trampled by them."

"I dunno, Zee." He sounded very uneasy.

"Just think about it. I'm sure in another year or two I'll still be single, waiting for when JC wants it to be the right time for him and I."

"What if it never comes?" Justin asked.

"After JC and Emmanuelle's relationship have run it's course, he should be ready."

Conversation ceased after that and in the back of my mind, it bugged me. Justin obviously knew JC better than I did. Did Justin have something else to say or was he mulling over what I suggested? Did he think after Emmanuelle, I'd still be waiting? I can't call it.

Now my suggestion to Justin, I know it sounds like a bad idea. It's not though, think about it. I'm doing my best to eliminate Justin out of the equation. Because when he's not there, it's a straight shot to JC. I'm not implying Justin is in the way of JC and I, but we keep putting him there for whatever reason, and it's not right. If Justin and I can put our feelings to rest, then maybe at least one part of this fiasco can be fixed.

The bus came to a slow stop, and I stood up to stretch a little before following Justin out of the room. As we piled off the bus and into the arena, I felt my child-like instincts flaring up at the sight of the inflatables and the dunk tank. Oh. My. God.

"This is so awesome," Chris said. I giggled, his face looked exactly like mine. For the love of....he's 30!

"Hey Zee, think you'll let me drown you in one of these tanks?" Justin asked.

"Hey fuck-pot, realize that you have to go in the tank, not me. I can and will cheat," I warned.

"What in the hell is a fuck-pot?" Joey asked as JC chuckled softly.

"Justin," I replied.

"Screw you guys, I'm gonna go jump on one of these inflatable things," Justin said.

"Me, too!" Chris exclaimed.

"You're 30!" I yelled after them as I ran to do the same. I didn't think the others would follow us and be stupid, but JC was right my behind me with Joey and Lance on his tail. Let's just say we were doing a practice test, you know in case any loch-ness inflatables were lurking. Simply a precautionary step.

After playing around, I went to go find a water fountain. I was getting old, I didn't have that 16-year old stamina anymore. I skipped down the hall, seeing my destination coming up.

"I think I pulled a muscle," I heard behind me.

I smiled, shaking my head after drinking some water. "You and me both, Jace."

"I'm gonna be sore tomorrow for the game, I know it," JC said, bending down to take a sip of water.

"What a shame, you haven't even started yet and you're all beat," I laughed.

"I'm gonna take a nice hot bath after all this is over," JC said. My mind couldn't help but picture his naked body soaking in the jacuzzi tub, hair wet and dripping. Rooming was gonna be hard. "Come on I'll race you."

"Sure you wanna do that, Gramps?" I teased, dashing off.

"Gramps?! You're dead!" JC yelled after me.

Let the games begin.

The game was fun to watch, as always. Justin and Britney seemed to be working things out well, though I can be positive Justin never once brought up his suspicions about Wade. I tried hard not to think about it or anything else, and naturally I became immersed in the game. I was way into it. I had to remind myself constantly that I wasn't watching the NBA Championships. It wasn't right to pick that fight with the referee, but charity or not, the call he made was stupid. Joey had to come be the mediator.

"Chill, geez we take you to New York once and you come back like my Aunt," he teased.

I smiled. "Funny, Joe. Go back out there and keep pretending you know what's going on."

"Now that, I can do well."

I pushed him off, and sat back in my seat. I had my seats right behind the Knights. I won't lie, JC in that uniform now adding the curly hair? I had to pinch myself a few times, it was too good to be true. BUT, I had to keep it together. Or at least pretend like I can.

As the game finished, there was press, and then the guys were free to go and get ready for the after party. I had already made myself comfortable on the bus watching tv, when I heard them get on.

"Zee, you here?" Lance called out.

"Yeah, in the back!" I called back.

The door swung open, but I wasn't going to look up.

"Hey, don't bring that funk in here," I joked. A pillow slammed into the side of my face and I heard Chris laughing out the door. Jackass.

2001: Gametime...

In the elevator, everyone was talking about their favorite parts of the game and challenges. I just enjoyed listening to their versions of it. And I say their versions heavily, because most of it did not happen at all. I saw everything and was close enough to hear everything.

"Really Chris, you flew in the air like Jordan?" I asked.

"Yeah, didn't you see me?"

"Amazing you can do that and still have time to forget, YOU'RE SCARED OF HEIGHTS," I laughed.

"Hey, I'm not scared, it's a phobia!"

JC and I laughed at Chris' silliness as we stepped off the elevator together. The other guys were up one more floor.

"Smell you later, losers," I called.

"Back atcha doll!" Justin called before the doors closed.

I opened the door to the shared hotel suite, feeling arms enclose around me from behind when the door clicked shut.

"Ewww," I said.

"You know it's our tradition to share the must, so shut up," JC remarked.

"Unfortunately, yeah. Hit the showers, Captain."

I released myself from his hold and sat down on the edge of the bed. I took off my shoes and placed my socks in my bag. I stood in front of the bed, plunging face down into the fluffy white blanket laid over the mattress. "Oh, this is heavenly," I said, flipping onto my back.

"Thanks, I work out," JC called. I heard the water filling up in the tub and I could smell the bubble solution he was using, fill the air. Apple Pomegranate. Mmm.

I sat up, about to let a sarcastic remark flying out of my mouth, and was instantly shut down. JC had left the bathroom door open, and I saw him taking off his clothes. It's not like I never saw JC naked before, but damn, you think he'd try not to be so tempting. I got off the bed, walking to the bathroom.

"At least close the door, stud," I said, leaning against the door frame. Ugh, his body was so amazing. JC let his body slide down into the tub and he let out a sigh of relief. Tease.

"You can close it for me," he grinned.

I rolled my eyes. "No thanks, I'll pass."

"Boooo!" he jeered. "But wait, at least do me one other tiny favor."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Wash my hair for me, please?" he sweetly asked.

That cute, innocent look he had on his face was what made me do anything for him. I would say that look made me do anything once upon a time, but it still worked. It was flawless.

"Sure," I agreed.

I pulled off my t-shirt, I had a tank top underneath. I threw it, aiming for it to land on the bed. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail as I sat on the edge of the tub, behind him. I placed my fingers into his hair, instantly falling in love with how his curls felt on my fingertips.

"You sure you want your hair washed right now?" I asked. He nodded. "Wet your hair."

JC took a deep breath and slid under the water and came back up wiping his face. I went to grab a face towel, knowing what was about to come next.

"My eyes, my eyes, it burns," JC whined.

I knelt down onto the bath rug and took the face cloth, dabbing his eyes. He had them shut tightly. I couldn't help but giggle a little bit.

"You're such a big baby," I cooed.

He finally opened his eyes and they were a little red. No one told him to dip his head that way when there's bubble bath in the water. I continued to dab his eyes, until his eyes looked a little better.

"That's why I'll always need you. No one knows how to take care of me, like you do," he said, his wet fingertips caressed my cheek.

Those words stabbed me in the heart. Could he really mean that? It was a bit hard to believe JC would always need me. What would happen when he found someone else? He wouldn't need me then, would he? JC didn't seem to need me much now.

"Don't do that," I warned, trying to ignore what was beginning to happen to my mindset.

"Don't do what?" he asked, biting his lip, trying to catch my eyes since I was avoiding his.

"You know what, that, what you're doing right now," I replied, getting up to go get the complimentary hotel shampoo. I sat behind him and lathered it onto his hair. I let my fingers gently massage against his scalp, and JC leaned his head back.

"Mmm, that feels so good," JC sighed.

What a super tease! I shook it off and continued to wash his hair. I thought about waterfalls and rain-forests, cute puppies, anything that would get my mind off of JC and his naked body in a jacuzzi tub. I got up to go get the ice bucket and filled it up with water.

"Put your head back," I said.

He did as I said, and I untangled his hair with my fingers as I let the water sift through it. His eyes were looking up at me. It was a bit creepy, actually. JC lifted his hand out of the water and placed it on the back of my neck. To keep from falling in, I steadied both my hands on each side the tub. JC pulled me closer, his lips taking in my bottom one. My blood went speeding through my veins. Before I could pull back, JC was taking me into a deeper kiss, his tongue brushing against mine.

Water was dripping down my back, my hair was a bit damp, he pulled it out of its' ponytail. I knew that JC wasn't going to be letting up on kissing me, until he finally had to catch his breath and broke apart our lips. I leaned back up, attempting, poorly might I add, to pull myself together. I could hear JC moving around in the water, I wasn't looking at him at the moment, so I don't know what he was doing. When I finally did glance at the tub, all I saw were JC's legs. He was standing up. Suds were all over him, water streaming down his bare skin. Holy fuck me. JC stretched his arm out, grabbing my hand, and yanking me to his chest. My heart was racing, mostly because he pulled me so quick, it scared the crap out of me. The front of my tank top was soaked, and I could actually feel the warm water sliding down into my jeans. At least I hope it was water down there.

"I'm wet," I said.

JC lapped his tongue over my neck. "Good," he growled.

"I meant my clothes," I moaned.

"Won't be wet if you take them off," he said.

"I don't want to," I challenged.

"I don’t fucking care. Off," he demanded.

My jaw dropped open. I was taken aback. Who the hell was this bossing me around? Telling me what do? Commanding me to take off my clothes? Who said he could be so God damn sexy? And why the heck was I doing what he said? I dropped my tank top on the floor, soon followed by my bra. I looked up at JC who was getting such a kick out of being listened to.

"What're you watching me for? Take the rest off. I'm waiting," JC said.

I unbuttoned my jeans and kicked my legs out of them. I shimmied out of my underwear, kicking my clothes to the side. JC's mouth watered as he looked at me. Finally, JC sat down on the edge of the tub, with his legs still in the water. Not wanting to waste anymore time, JC somehow lifted me up and onto his lap. I drug my fingers through his wet hair, and brought our lips together for another kiss.

I could feel JC's erection against my skin, I really was wet this time. Guess some things will never change. JC dove his hand between our bodies, grabbing his penis, teasing the tip around my opening. I whimpered, squeezing his shoulders tightly. I didn't want to be teased, not right now.

"Wrap your legs around me tightly and lock your ankles," JC said lowly.

I did as he said, squeezing my teeth down hard on my lip, as I felt him slide a bit deeper inside me. Still continuing to tease me, I finally moved JC's hand from between us and roughly pushed into him. He groaned out, grabbing my ass in his hands, sliding me up and down his erection quickly. Enclosing my walls around his bare skin felt so amazing.

JC's breath was hot against me, the contact of our skin creating an atmosphere of mind-blowing tension and heat. As I was dropping down onto his lap, JC let out short, rapid gasps of breaths between moans. I loved to hear his reaction to being pleasured. It made me want to ride him faster, harder, better, and be the best he would ever have. Those hands were tightly gripped onto my waist, JC digging himself deeper inside me. My arms were wrapped around him, across the top of his shoulders. I gently scratched my fingers along the back of JC's neck as I let him have control of my hips. The sounds of ecstasy flowed easily into his ear, feeling the sting of his fingernails sinking into my damp skin.

"You better not come," JC warned, speaking firmly into my ear, all while picking up speed, and pounding himself inside me.

I couldn't help but get close to bursting wide open. Feeling JC's hips winding and rolling in all the right movements, it was hard. I tried to calm my moans so JC wouldn't know, but it wasn't working. JC was climbing into spots that had my thighs tightening around him, back scratching, the whole nine. Was he really this great in the sack, or was it me just craving him since my first time? Shit, had to be both. My moaning began to rise, I couldn't have unlocked my ankles if I actually wanted to.

"Oh fuck," I moaned.

"Don't fuckin' come," JC whispered into my ear.

Talk about putting the icing on the cake. My entire body went rigid, I was clenched tightly around JC. My moans began to rise until I finally felt that climax hit, and I screamed out. I let myself take on the feeling that was ruling my body. Orgasm after orgasm, it washed over me. My grip around JC's neck got tighter. I wasn't thinking if he could breathe or not because my mind was in another place. JC wasn't continuing on, which meant he came, too. He came. Shit. When I finally did unwrap my arms from JC and pull back to look at him, I smacked him in the arm.

"Ow!" he smiled. "What was that for?"

I focused my eyes on his, worry sweeping over my face. "You came, too."

JC didn't say anything, he just pulled me back into him for a hug. The reality of what just happened hadn't even begun to hit either of us. We just sealed the rest of our deal.

Literally.

2001: Survey says?

Vegas was....fun. I called that something was going to happen between JC and I, and it did. It was like checking off something on my to-do list. Literally. It felt good to feed that craving for the last time, but as always it came with consequences. This was a big possible consequence. Let this be a lesson: Wrap. It. Up. No matter what age you are, teenager, adult, we all turn into imbeciles when we're horny.

Regardless, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

JC stuck close to me for the rest of the trip. It was the most attention I'd gotten from him in the longest time, but I didn't want to get it this way. I think he felt obligated or something, as if it were his duty to stay by my side at all times. I took a plane home, while the guys headed off for Tampa. I had to promise JC I'd call him the second I got home. But, I didn't. I knew he wouldn't be anywhere near his phone. To be honest, the first thing I thought about doing once I got home, was call Chris. I had to speak to him about a few things, important things. The last person I wanted to add to the list of potentially hating me, was Chris.

I waited to call JC, though. I waited about a week and a half. When I did decide to pick up the phone him, we talked like nothing was going on. Technically they weren’t. Things weren’t out of the ordinary just yet, so we felt relieved. It wasn’t until about seven weeks later that I began feeling different.

I was walking inside from a quick trip to In-N-Out. I had barely made it all the way upstairs to my room before I had the phone attached to my ear. I was getting ready to dial JC’s number for our weekly check-in, when I felt a sudden queasiness creep up on me. I ran out of my room and into the bathroom, letting it all come up. When I thought I was finished, I'd be hovered over the toilet again. I was supposed to start my period yesterday. Okay, so maybe I'd have to call him later when I wasn't revisiting the lunch I just had moments earlier. Instead, I needed to call Celeste and have her take me to the store.

——————
"I don't know what to say right now, Zahra," Celeste said.

"It just happened. One moment we're joking in the elevator and the next we're having sex on the edge of a jacuzzi tub. We were so caught up in the moment, it felt like....like a blur," I explained.

"What are you gonna do?" she asked.

"I don't know. JC and I haven't talked about it in depth, yet," I replied.

"You'll be calling him right after, don't waste one second," she told me. I didn't even put up a fight, I just nodded. She reached over and held my hand. "Everything will be fine, I'll be here for you through it all. We'll do this at my place."

I wiped a tear away from my eye, squeezing Cel's hand back. I needed her. If there was anyone that could keep me from doing anything else stupid, it was my good and dependable Celeste.

While JC and the guys were finishing up their Popodyssey Tour, I was glad I had another few weeks away from JC. I didn't want to fill my head with any ideas of us all of a suddenly living happily ever after. With JC, with me, with us, I always had to expect the unexpected. JC wouldn't be the same. Neither would I.

-----------
I sat on the counter of Celeste's bathroom, kicking my legs back and forth. Waiting. It felt like years. I hopped off the counter and paced back and forth. I finally picked up the stick and looked at it. Blue. Positive. I felt my throat closing up. Okay. Calm, I needed to stay calm.

"Celeste!" I screamed as I ran out of the bathroom.

"What happened, what'd it say?" she asked.

I simply stared at her, I didn't utter a word. Celeste read my face and she hugged me tightly. Was this for real? Is it possible that I'm in some dream I can't seem to wake up from?

"We need to get another one and try it out again, just to be sure," Celeste said.

"I know." My mind was foggy, I couldn't think straight.

"You need to call JC, Zahra."

"I just called him for his birthday, Cel. I wanna wait," I said. JC's 25th birthday was three days ago, I at least wanted to give him some time before I dropped something heavy onto his lap.

"Wait for what? He needs to know, Zee."

"He will know, I'll tell him when he comes tomorrow. I'd rather tell him face to face, so we can talk," I assured.

"What do you think he's going to say?" she asked.

"I don't know."

This was it. Tonight, I had to tell JC that I might be pregnant. I might be pregnant. Insane. JC and I? If someone told me that even six months ago, I wouldn't have believed it. I don't know if I'm ready for this. The guys were coming to LA for the Teen Choice Awards. Honestly, I was glad to see them again. Even when they randomly showed up in my house, I still got that excited feeling of seeing them for the first time.

I had no intention of rushing to tell JC anything until after the award show. I know he had to stop home first and gather up some belongings before they all took off again. The only thing I was worried about was how he was going to react. I feel like, in any case, happy or devastated, it wouldn't be good.

2001: Teen Choices

I paced the kitchen floor of JC's house, back and forth, back and forth, tossing ideas around in my head about how I would tell him. This wasn't something I wanted to do, but it was my responsibility to let him know what was going on. Would he hate me? Or would he get so mad, that he'd never want to see or speak to me again? What if JC denied that what was happening inside me had nothing to do with him and I was lying?

There was no more time to think once I heard the door open and his feet pound against the beautifully tiled floor. I can't escape this any longer, he's here, and I have to tell him. My heart was going double-time, I was nauseated, and my head felt light. It was hard to distinguish which Chasez was causing it, though.

"Zahra, honey?" JC called out. He saw my car parked out front.

"Kitchen." I barely got the word out before I felt like I was going to send my snack from earlier along with it.

JC walked in, bright-faced, smiling, just plain happy, and I felt a pain in my chest. Everything about him looked so zen. I was tempted to call him a hippie, because of how free he looked. But. JC knows me. JC knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and it didn't take long for his happy, zen state to morph into a concerned and worried one.

"Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."

What was with all the pet names tonight? I can't be prepared to tell him this when he's calling me all sorts of 'honeys' and 'sweethearts'.

"Sit down," I finally managed.

Not knowing what was going on, JC took me seriously and sat down at the counter next to me. He reached for my hand, holding it between his. He was so warm, I wanted to be closer.

"What's the matter?" he asked softly.

"I......I....."

I couldn't get it out, that's what.

"Zahra, you're scaring me. You can tell me anything, no matter what it is."

"I think I'm pregnant," I said, barely above a whisper.

JC heard me, though, loud and clear. The expression that washed over his face, in comparison to how he now looked at me, was definitely worse. By a long-shot. I didn't speak, JC needed time to register what I told him. JC needed time to breathe, it didn't look like that’s what he was doing right about now.

"Jace?"

"You....we're pregnant?" he asked.

"I think so, yeah. I missed my period, took two tests, and it seems so," I explained. He stood up and embraced me. It caught me off guard at first, but I soon understood that his comfort was what I needed the most right now.

"We have a baby, Zahra," JC said.

"What are we gonna do?" I asked.

JC pulled away from our embrace and took back his seat next to me. "Tell me what you want."

"I wanna keep my baby. But, I'm not ready to be a mother.....I can barely be a girlfriend. I have a lot of growing up to do. I wanna finish school, start a career, and have a stable home life before I bring a child into it," I said. "What about you?"

"I'd love to have this baby with you. But....I don't think it'd be fair to bring a child into the world I'm surrounded in. The time away, I can barely stand it when I'm away from my family and friends and you. I don't think I could be away from you and my baby."

I was in shock. JC wanted to have a baby with me? He wasn't upset, he almost seemed excited. Maybe I'm being fantastical, and reading things the wrong way. Having a baby would mean starting a family. JC wanting to start a family with me was hard to believe.

"Are we agreeing to the same thing, Josh?" I asked.

"Unwillingly," he replied. JC pulled me from my seat, and over to him. I stood between his legs, nothing but a mixture of worry and remorse boiling inside me. "May I?"

I nodded. JC wanted to feel my stomach. He pressed his palm to my stomach, and I heard him sniffle. Seems we were on the same page, because at this point, I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. I lifted his head, and saw those beautiful eyes welled up with water. I hugged him, feeling his head pressed against my stomach.

"I wanted to name the baby, but I was scared it'd make me too attached," I said, wiping my eyes.

"Let's do it, something unisex," JC said.

"Ryan," I suggested.

JC shook his head. "Ashton."

"Not happening," I smiled.

"Jordan?" he asked.

"Yes, Jordan," I agreed.

"How about a middle name?" JC asked.

I looked into his eyes and it came to me. "Skye."

"How'd you come up with that so fast?"

"Because of your eyes....the sky, it's what they remind me of when I look into them," I replied.

JC smiled bashfully, nodding. "Jordan Skye Chasez. I love it."

"Me, too. Jace." I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed. And like the great person I always seemed to forget he was, JC comforted me. I comforted him. We were being the companion to each other that we needed.

"When do you want to see a doctor?" he asked.

"Oh no, don't you worry about it. I know you have to work and stuff. It'll be fine, Celeste will come with me."

"Zahra, you know I'm not going to let that fly. Tell me when and I will be there with you, beginning to end," JC said.

"I'll let you know. Come on, I'll help you pack, you need to get out of here, soon," I suggested as I started off toward the living room area to get to the stairs. I could feel JC practically at my heels.

When we made it up to his room, we sort of spread out and he started taking things out of his duffle and suitcase.

"Zahra. I love you," he suddenly said.

"I know, JC. I love you, too."

"Then be with me."

"Don't. Not right now, okay?" I warned.

"What? Why don't you wanna be in a relationship with me? And don't give me the crap about how I look at Emmanuelle differently than how I look at you," he demanded.

"But you do."

"Of course I look at you differently. I've known you for so long, you're my friend, and I'm in love with you. Sometimes I can barely register why I don't love anyone else the way I love you," JC said.

"You don't know that. You haven't had that chance to explore and neither have I."

"I said I'll go along with whatever you want me to, and I meant it. We'll explore. But I still want to know why you've been evading a relationship with me all of a sudden. What are YOU scared of?" he asked.

I didn't answer him, I continued to fold items he would need and place them in his suitcase. That wasn't good enough for JC, though. I felt his hands grip the sides of my shoulders.

"Why are you afraid, Zahra?" he asked softly.

"Don't touch me. Stop, let me go," I responded, panicking. Trying to move his hands from me.

I wanted him to let me go. I didn't enjoy this feeling I was having inside of me. It was uncomfortable and I hated it. JC thinks I'm scared? I'd say bullshit, but I didn't know how scared I actually was until he asked me. What was making me uncomfortable, was how much I was terrified and how little it had to do with JC.

2001: "What will I do, if I can't be with you..."

In the last two weeks, I went to the doctor to officially confirm my pregnancy. I spoke with him briefly about what my next move was and he gave me brochures. My doctor wanted me to know all the options I had afforded to me in case I changed my mind. I almost changed my mind. I wanted to change my mind. Things weren't right, though. My life wasn't together even though I'd have the help I needed. Nonetheless, I made my decision.

I gave JC a date to be at a clinic with me, and he came to my house to pick me up. Of course, I was thinking about him and the guys' career being at stake. I made sure that he wore a hat, sunglasses, and a hooded sweatshirt; anything possible so he didn't look recognizable to ANYONE. We even went out of our reach. I made sure we went somewhere far from the LA Metro scene, like Manhattan Beach or something.

Before we went in, we just sat in the car. When I asked him what was the matter, he told me he just wanted to spend another moment with his family. I know, right? Hearing that alone just dropped my insides and I was bawling. My emotions were all over the place. This wasn't something I wanted to do, but I couldn't care for a child right now. Neither of us could. I was tempted to make JC drive me back home. It would be unfair to him, though. I didn't want to be the person to stand in his way. Besides, a baby wouldn't make our issues disappear.

I can't describe what it felt like to leave that clinic. I do not think I'll ever be able to experience something like that again. It's hard to merely think about it without getting sick to my stomach. JC tried to help, but instead, we both ended up like babbling brooks. Everyone knows how I get when I see anyone I'm close to, so emotional to the point where he or she is crying. I've never been able to keep myself together, don't know if I ever will. Seeing JC that way, made me hurt. I felt guilty.

When I walked inside the house, I could feel the sadness seeping in. I had never felt emptier. I knew I was in for a wild ride of emotions. At least for awhile, until I was able to understand what I did was the right choice for the circumstances. JC was going to leave, but I knew we needed each other now more than we wanted to admit. I held his hand and led him upstairs to my bedroom. I closed the door, closed the curtains, and turned on my stereo. Brandy's 'Never Say Never' album began to spin, pouring through the large speakers placed on either side of the box. I was almost soothed.

JC stood there, not only looking confused, but looking like he was a stranger. I took his hand, pulling him close to me. There were three things we needed from one another: a hug, a kiss, and to be held. He went straight for the hug, JC was always on time. After releasing from his embrace, I pulled back the linen on my bed and kicked off my shoes. I climbed onto my bed, making space for JC to join me.

"Come on," I said.

He walked over, took off all that I made him wear, until he was simply in a shirt and jeans, and came to lie next to me. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder, I had my arm across his slim waist, and the kiss happened naturally. JC's eyes found mine. To be COMPLETELY dramatic, what I saw staring back was earth shattering. In the world of Zahra, that is. The eyes staring back at me were looking at me like I was the only thing that mattered to them. As if they loved me.

I don't know if it was my jealousy or my intense fear that led me to believe that JC didn't have real emotions for me. But, what I saw was someone who truly cared about me. I guess JC was right. He had to be, because would I have ever admitted something like that? Nope, never. My pride wouldn't have ever let me. It was clear to me, that I unknowingly stopped JC and I from working. I shipped JC off to Emmanuelle because I haven't the slightest clue of why I won't let him love me.

I placed my head against his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat, not the music, eased me to sleep. I had to find my way, so I could end up with JC. Completely free and unafraid.

-------------
I woke up a few hours later, still being embraced by the strong arms of JC. He looked so cute sleeping, I didn't want to stir him, but I had to go to the restroom. I also had a very important call to make that I'd been putting off for long enough. I slipped out the room, making sure to start the album over again before exiting my room and closing the door.

After taking care of business, I found myself pacing the kitchen floor. No idea why every single time I pace, it's in the kitchen. I'm not even hung— well, I am in the mood for some cookies. Whatever, not the point. I picked up the phone and dialed a number that hadn't been dialed in almost over a month. I'm terrible, I know.

"Hello?" the voice answered.

"Montez," I said.

"Camden. I almost didn't think you remembered who I was," Chris said. It was easy to spot the hurt in his voice. He didn't deserve it, which made me feel worse.

"Chris, I know. It's been rough since I got back from Vegas. I really need to speak to you about what happened before I left," I explained, or tried to.

"The kiss?" he asked.

"Yes. I I can't afford to lose you as a great friend. I should have never kissed you and I'm sorry," I answered.

"Number one, I kissed you." I playfully rolled my eyes. Always a competition with Montez. "I enjoyed it, I think we both did. I understand, though. It felt good, but the next day, I felt awkward about it. I thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn't. I'm sorry, too, Camden."

I smiled. The greatest person. I thought that maybe, it was time to let him know where I was at. A LOT changed in these past couple weeks. I explained to him everything that happened. From the same room with JC to what occurred earlier on today. As always, he listened, and responded with an open-mind and honesty. The people in my life never told me what I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear, and however brutal, I loved them for it.

I made Chris a deal to TRY, heavy emphasis on the try, and open up a little to him. He thinks that if I try it with him, it won't be so hard with JC.

Why is everything always harder for me when it involves JC?

It was stupid to say that things were happy go lucky again. I hadn't been able to deal with the regret I felt in the pit of my stomach most times. I had some time away from JC and I was glad that he was nowhere near me. I didn't want to be a downer. He's experiencing a great time in his life, and I don't want to constantly remind him how I could have changed that. Still, I didn't break my promise to him. I called him every Saturday and we spoke. He tried, desperately, to get me to open up a bit more about what was bothering me. It didn't work. I'd end up changing the subject to something less heavy. I wanted JC to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted.

I did get out most of my emotions at some point. Chris would come over and we'd be in my room just talking. Talking about everything. From the earliest moment that I could remember to the moment Celeste, Justin, and JC became apart of my life. It wasn't only one way, Chris gave as easily as he received the information given to him. Only when I would walk him to his car, did I realize how much we had in common. I don't get why I couldn't be as open with JC.

It was peculiar how JC and I were best friends, yet I found it so much easier to talk to Justin. To go to Justin for help. I wanted to change that. I honestly did, but it was easier said than EVER done. What made me so afraid of JC? It wasn't that he was intimidating, because he wasn't. Maybe, no matter what, I'd feel like the girl who thought if I made one wrong move, JC wouldn't like me anymore. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to leave me.

2001: Another trip? Sí, por favor!

My guys were going to The Bahamas and playing a show at Atlantis. I was more excited about it than they were. Why? It was definitely because I knew I was about to get another perk of knowing the famous before they were famous. AND, Celeste was coming. The Ferocious Four was about to be the Ferocious Six, plus Chris. Oh, he'll love that joke. Chris was actually the one who invited me to come along. He was the only person that knew about me and JC's situation; I was the one who told him. I needed someone older who was my friend, a big brother. Chris and I spoke about it often. It was different speaking to someone about JC who knew him just as well. Chris was adamant about wanting me to feel better. The trip to Bahamas was his way of helping.

"Who knew Killjoy was such a sweetheart?" Celeste commented as we were downstairs in the office. We were waiting for the van to show up, everyone was riding down to the airport together.

"Chris is one hell of a man, I'll vouch for it any day of the week," I said.

"I'm excited, I finally get to come on an *NSYNC trip," she said.

"You could have come all the other times, Cel, but you just HAD to go traveling with Papa Fernando," I teased.

"You know if my dad hadn't done everything spontaneously and invited you along, you wouldn't have went with the guys either," she laughed.

She was right. Paris? Milan? Hel-LO, shopping fantasy right at my fingertips!

"Things would have been so different had I never went or if you came. I wouldn't have gotten into so much with JC, for one," I said.

"Do you regret it all?" Cel asked.

"The only thing I regret is not being able to express to JC how I really felt," I replied.

She scoffed. "Felt? You mean 'feel', you still can't express anything. I don't know why, what could you possibly be worried about?"

I was about to disagree, angrily, but the punk was right. I have made very little progress in learning how to speak openly to JC. The first step is admitting, right? It's not like I haven't been working on it, my stubbornness and pride take on by themselves sometimes.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe he should piss me off. I never have a problem speaking to him then."

Celeste rolled her eyes, chuckling softly. "You need help. Besides, I don't think you and JC should be getting each other riled up anymore."

The look she was giving me had caution tape all over it. I threw my hands up. "What? Look, I'm not gonna bang JC again, okay. That time it just happened. We hadn't been together in a while, and things were too intense." I tried to save face, but Celeste wasn't buying it. I SO wanted JC that night, and I would never regret wanting him. No matter what came of it.

"Be good, Zahra." I opened my mouth to protest, Celeste held up her hand. "Uh-unh, listen to me. The Bahamas is a place of relaxation, but also romance. JC could look better to you than he ever has. At least if you do something stupid, do it protected."

I couldn't avoid JC, because that was the only way to even keep myself from THINKING of doing anything stupid. JC would look better to me? How does Celeste know I'll even get to spend time with him alone? I'm pretty sure she and I will be together wreaking havoc all over the place. At least one thing is for sure, I was going to get some much needed rest.

"Cel, in all honesty, I don't think JC will ever wanna touch me again," I said.

"Pfft, in the sexy Bahamas? I'd be surprised if he even let you go off alone. I don't think he'd want any hot, Bahamian men snatching you away from him. Me? I'm open to be snatched," she joked.

I laughed. A hard knock at the window caused both of us to jump at the same time. I pulled the blinds up and saw a beaming Justin at the window. I opened the window, throwing my hands on my hips afterward.

"I was so ready to chew you out, but that smile matched with the curly hair saved your life. Damn you," I said.

Justin grinned. "Ha, ha Pocahontas. You and Princess Jasmine bring your ass so we can get outta here."

"Will do, our bags are by the front door," I said.

I closed back the window, making sure everything was off in the house before making it to the front door.

"Why do I have to be Princess Jasmine?" Celeste asked.

I giggled, placing my palm over my forehead. "Because there are no Latina Disney princesses."

"No Black ones either," she shot.

"True. Perhaps Disney isn’t the way to go in order to describe ourselves,” I chuckled.

"Ugh. But JASMINE?! She had a tiger for a friend! I'm a rich cat lady. Wait, this isn't a bad thing."

I rolled my eyes, laughing at Cel and her goofiness, as we walked to the van. Celeste got in first and I went in next, taking the only available seat next to JC. In the very back. Everyone in this van has to be relatives of Satan. We all greeted each other excitedly. Guess Cel and I weren't the only ones super anxious about going to the Bahamas. While the others were caught up in giddy chatter, JC leaned over to me.

"How are you?" he whispered into my ear. I got the familiar icy chill down my spine, the spot between my thighs reacted instantly. Damn! We weren't even six blocks away from my house yet.

"I've been okay. Just studying hard at school, and getting involved in school activities," I responded quietly. "How are you?"

"I'm good. I'm glad you're coming on this trip," he replied.

"Really. Why?" I asked.

"I wanna hang with you. We had so much fun in Vegas. I think we should spend some time together and talk," JC said, biting down on his lower lip.

My insides did flips. It was the little things JC did that still got to me. Whether it was the way his eyes squinted when he smiled or laughed, or how he didn't know how sexy his lip biting was. We're complete opposites. I thought I'd get time away, and JC wants to spend time together. Maybe he was the one who wanted to talk. Besides Chris, I don't think he's really spoken about the decision we made. Does JC think it was a mistake?

"You're flirting already? We're not even out of the van, Josh," I joked.

"When has location ever been something I've cared about?" he sweetly smiled.

I giggled. "Fine, we can spend time together. Friends, right?"

"I keep telling you we never stopped being friends. No matter what we call our relationship, we'll always be friends. I know you value that aspect just as much as I do."

I nodded in agreement. "Make sure you hold my hand on the plane."

"Still afraid of flying?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's even worse now," I replied.

"Aww, don't worry, we're all a bit nervous, but I won't let anything happen to you."

"I notice you've been super protective of me lately. Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome." JC softly kissed my forehead.

If I had just dated other people in high school and JC didn't date that Blinkie, I'd ask him to be mine the second we landed in the Bahamas. But I knew the territory I would be stepping into, and I've seen it explode in the worst ways. I was determined to not lose JC because of it, but we couldn't rush this. No matter how much I want to just be with him and be happy. My uncertainty won't let me just yet.

2001: Atlantis the Beautiful

If I were asked to think of the most beautiful place in the world, the Bahamas would be it. The moment I stepped into the van and we started off toward the hotel, I felt the 'relax' seep in. I had a sudden urge to sleep. I looked away from the scenery outside the window and my eyes landed next to me. JC had his head on my shoulder, he was sleeping; looks like we had the same thing in mind.

"Smile."

I looked up at Celeste and the second I opened my mouth, she snapped the picture. Jackass and a half, I swear. Now no matter what I say about wanting breathing space from JC, she'll always refer to the picture. I really am starting to wonder if Cel and J are tag-teaming as the devil.

I moved my arm, looping it across JC's shoulder, while he got comfy on my chest. I smiled a bit. I took my fingers and ran them through his hair. I can at least be good furniture in return since he did hold my hand on the plane. The only time he let go was to use the bathroom. I let that small image replay in my mind and almost immediately came the waterworks. JC was being very sweet to me. Contrary to belief, what I wanted the most between us were moments like this, where we were just pals.

I wiped away the few tears that fell and kissed the top of his head. My big baby. I'm not making a mistake by wanting to gives us both distance to really figure out if a relationship is what we want. I hope I'm not making a mistake. Please for once I'm doing something right for us both. I don't want this to blow up in my face. Don't screw me over, Fate.

Once we got to the hotel, I woke up JC. I smiled as I watched him stretch. He had that cute, grumpy look on his face. Once I was out of the van, all stretched out, JC wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. He's been protective, affectionate, maybe my pregnancy really did change him. I grabbed my bags and all the guys were looking at me and Cel like we committed a crime.

"What?" Cel said.

"Anyone else feel the back of their head sting like they got smacked because they're carrying bags? Or is that just me?" Justin asked.

"Bellhop!" Joey called. Celeste and I broke out in laughter.

"Thanks guys," we smiled. I had no problem taking my stuff up, neither did Cel. Until we saw the inside of the hotel. It was like our feet had a mind of its own.

"Where are you going?" Chris asked Celeste.

"I don't know, but my feet won't stop," she replied. "Zee, we've definitely gotta look around here."

I saw JC glance at me from my peripheral, I immediately knew what it meant. I guess Celeste saw it, too, judging by how she looked at me.

"I mean if we get a chance," she corrected. I shot her a subtle thumbs-up and we all walked onto separate elevators.

JC, Justin, Celeste, and I were in one elevator with the bellhop, while Chris, Joey, and Lance were on the other. I can only imagine the stupidness that would be going on if the bellhop wasn't here.

"Hey, uh.....James, do you mind if we let you off here and then you grab the next elevator?" Celeste asked.

Oh no. JC, Justin, and I nudged her all at the same time. James was a young guy, probably 22 or 23 at the oldest. Of course if I think it, it's automatically spoken into existence. She was kicking our bellhop off the elevator! What was this girl up to?

"You wanna play in the elevator, right?" James asked.

"No not necessarily," Celeste replied.

"Don't worry, it's cool, on break me and the other staff do stupid things. Have fun," he smiled as he hit the button for the third floor.

My mouth dropped open. Was this really happening? How did Cel manage to get THIS lucky? Celeste smiled at James as he got off the elevator, waving as the doors closed.

JC, Justin, and I all shot glances at each other, then back at Celeste.

"Well that was easy," Celeste said.

"Okay, why'd you do that?" JC asked.

Celeste shrugged. "I dunno, but it worked didn't it?"

I shrugged. "So what do we do for....seven more floors?" I asked.

We all looked around at each other.

"Now it's time to see ya later, never gonna fake ya, though, we wanna leave you with some flava..," Celeste rapped.

I snickered. Was she serious right now? I didn't even have to look over at Justin to know he was smiling, but rolling his eyes.

"Nothin' but friends in the club scene here, through the years double MC's givin' up cheers..." I continued.

"We're gonna make you move the beat is oh-so-smooth, so keep it up and keep it with the groove," Justin recited.

"To the music, move to the style, the house is packed yo! The club is goin' wild!" JC smiled.

We all broke out into the chorus.

"The club's got it goin' on, funky style, MMC's got it goin' on, funky style, we've got it goin' on, with a funky style, the club scene's goin' up and the house is goin' wild!"

The elevator doors opened just as we'd finished the last line with our hands were up in the air. We had these huge, cheesy grins on our faces. Joey, Chris and Lance were looking at us like we were nuts. We all burst out in laughter.

"Now do you see why I said not to take the elevator with them?" Chris asked.

I pushed Chris when I walked off the elevator. "We were bonding, dork," I laughed.

Everyone walked down the hall, going into their rooms. I was shocked to see that they weren't doubling up and sharing rooms this trip. Cel and I went to our room, we WERE sharing, and geeked out at everything. I mean, we even went crazy about the carpet under the shower. Yeah, juvenile, I know.

"I'm gonna go check out JC's room," I said.

Celeste smiled at me deviously. "Don't do it," she sang.

"Cel, I'm only going to see his room," I said.

"Alright, be safe," she warned.

I rolled my eyes. "I will," I said closing the door behind me.

I walked further down the hall and hooked a right. JC's room was about three doors away from the corner. I knocked and the door opened. JC stood in the doorway with an innocent smile on his face.

"Come in," he said softly.

I walked into his room and was floored. The single suite was set up differently than the double. The huge bed, huge bathroom, and the view, which was magnificent. I wasted no time, making my butt comfortable on his bed while he took a few items out of his bag.

I watched him. I didn't take notice before to what he was wearing. God JC looked good damned sexy. His skin was glowing, his arms toned, his body was absolutely fit. Wow I think I need to leave; what Celeste told me was true. We're here in the Bahamas, and JC looks so amazingly gorgeous to me. It hasn't even been five hours. Pfft.

"I'm jealous of you for getting to sleep on this bed," I commented.

JC leaned against the dresser, his arms were crossed against his stomach. "I've never denied you access to my room on any trips, why would I do so now?"

"Because the last time things got carried away, Josh," I answered.

"All I'm asking is to spend a night or two or three together, just you and me. Please?"

I sighed, brushing my hair away from my eyes. I've been in this position before with JC. This time, for the first time, I wasn't sure of JC's intentions. I didn't get a vibe that we were just going to have sex. I feel like he really had something important he wanted to talk about. I'm a bit scared of what it could be.

"I'll bite, okay JC? Come here," I said.

He walked over to the bed, standing in front of me, and I placed my hands on top of his chest. Those beautiful, tropical eyes sparkled, gazing down into mine. I hooked my fingers into his shirt and pulled him forward. He stumbled and we both flew back onto the bed.

"You can't ever just ask me to lay with you without breaking every bone in my body, can you?" JC smiled.

"Of course not. I just want to thank you for not being so tempting," I grinned.

"I don't do it on purpose, Zee. Besides, I'd like to believe we're way past trying to seduce each other. I have feelings for you that are deeper than sexual, you know that right?" JC explained, looking disappointed he had to ask me such a question.

"I do know that," I responded softly.

JC scanned my eyes, and a look of disbelief appeared across his face. It was obvious he didn't buy one single word that left my mouth. And well, I know JC's right for the way he looked at me.

"You don't know it, Zahra. You think my feelings for you are only sexual. Yes, I love being intimate with you because we're so in tune with each other's wants and needs, but I also just love being with you." JC scoffed. "Guess we really do need a break from each other."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because I find myself still having to prove how I feel about you," JC replied.

"I...." I didn't have anything to say. I was lost for words. All I could do was look back at JC with a guilt-ridden look on my face.

"Why are you making things between us so complicated, Zahra?" JC asked. "You know it's been hard for me to express my feelings to you and you keep throwing me aside."

"I-I'm not. I'm not trying to make things complicated, JC." I stammered over my words.

"Then tell me why we can't make it official right now. I wanna know," JC demanded. He sat upright, and I followed suit, sitting with my legs crossed.

"I'm afraid," I said.

JC brushed my hair behind my ear. "Afraid of what?"

I hesitated. I didn't want to answer, I was unsure of how he'd take my response. I felt like no matter how I tried to explain myself, none of what I said would make sense. He wouldn't understand what I meant or how it worked in my mind.

"Tell me, sweetheart," JC spoke lightly. Ah! He tore me up inside. He was still so warm and generously enticing. It was hard to NOT want to explain what was on my mind when he was being so supportive. More supportive than he's ever been.

"I'm afraid we'll hurt each other. I'll hurt you," I said slowly.

"How could you possibly hurt me? How could we hurt each other? Zahra, not being with you is the only thing that hurts me," JC said.

"JC think about our entire relationship from the first time we kissed until now. How complicated it's been. And now, all of a sudden, it's easy? Just like that?" I asked.

"Yes, for once it IS easy. Just go with it," JC whispered, reaching for my hand.

He just didn't understand and I didn't know how to explain it so he would. I'm supposed to just believe that everything will go smoothly between us? All of the problems and issues between us will dissolve into thin air? JC noticed I wasn't speaking and the look on his face showed genuine concern.

"I meant everything I've said. I'll do whatever you want me to do, if in the end you'll be mine," JC said.

"Thank you."

Bottom line, for our entire relationship, I've been the side girl and the confused girl. Before JC and I even made it into the same sentence with one another, he made sure it was known that I would always be too young. Admitting his feelings for me was unheard of. He While JC was with Bobbi, he was with me. While I was kissing JC, I was kissing Justin. How do I know he won't cheat on me? I don't. How does he know I won't cheat on him? He doesn't. JC loves me, I know this. I love him. But it doesn't mean those feelings for Justin simply disappeared into thin air. I was stupid for thinking that they would. I need to get Justin out of my system. JC needed to get Bobbi and a bit of me out of his system.

How long could it possibly take for that to happen?

Two things to never EVER do on an *NSYNC trip: 1. Try to convince Celeste that you're not sleeping with a band member, and 2. Do NOT get caught coming out of a band member's hotel room, by another band member at 5:30 am. Before I expound on the latter, let me cover my bases and start with number 1. According to my best friend, who is a complete twat by the way, these last two days, I went back to our room happier than normal. Naturally, happy means I've been sexed really well, all day and all night, two days straight.

Now 2...oh. Sweet, sweet two. How did I STILL find myself in stupid situations such as the one I'm about to explain? It's inevitable. My known destiny. I digress.

2001: The Build-Up

I woke up to the sound of Celeste screwing around in the bathroom. She was singing “He Loves You Not” and quite horribly at that. Was it really that hard to close the door? I'm not a morning person, so I was beyond annoyed. I got out of bed and dragged ass to the bathroom.

"You can't sing!" I shouted as I stood watching Celeste get ready.

"Even your insults sound peppier than normal," she teased. I flipped her off, then walked back to my bed and dropped face first into the mattress. "Nuh-uh, get up, we need to be ready to go with the guys before they do rehearsal."

"Roh shrit!" My sentiment was muffled by the mattress. I rolled over, looking straight up at the ceiling. I completely forgot about that. Yesterday we sort of just hung out at the hotel pool. Cel and I went to the beach just for some girl time and to check out the hot guys there.

"Go get in the shower, we have an hour and a half before Joey or somebody calls us," Celeste said, gently smacking my thigh. I was grumpy about it, but I got up and went to shower.

I was excited about today. The guys were going to record the first part of their CBS special today. This had to be a big step in their careers and it was going to catapult them. They were at their prime right now and come on, a CBS special in the Bahamas? Icing on the cake. But there were a few things the guys wanted to take us to do before they were completely consumed in rehearsing.

I looked in the mirror, my choice of outfit was completely simple: a crop top, showing a little stomach, Levi jean shorts, and a pair of Jordan 8 Retro's. Celeste is just as much of a tomboy as I am, so she had on something quite similar in terms of simplicity. She wore her hair down and in it's natural curly state, whereas I just kept my straight look. Okay, so I was lazy and didn't feel like doing anything special to my hair. Sue me.

"Ready?" I asked, sticking my arm through the loop of my mini backpack. Celeste nodded and I opened the door, slamming straight into a rock hard chest as I walked out. "What the! JC we really have GOT to stop doing that."

I leaned against the door frame, breathing heavily, catching my breath while I heard Cel's amused cackle. Jerk. I gave her the finger, finally laying my eyes on JC. Big mistake. Big damn mistake. He was wearing a white, long-sleeved striped shirt with the sleeves turned up, white long pants, small rip across the knee area, and flip flops. The scruff on his face, his damp, curly hair... Have mercy. JC looked fucking amazing.

"Holy shit," I said.

JC raised his eyebrows. "What." He looked down at what he was wearing, bringing his eyes to me, then back to his clothes. "Do I have something on me?"

Out of my peripheral, I saw Celeste hiding her smile. She knew that what she told me, before we came to the Bahamas, was true. Of course it is, because there's no way I'D be right at this stage of my life. No bloody way.

"Nothing Josh, you just, you look really great," I complimented. Why try to cover it up? The man looked like a Greek God.

"Thank you," he smiled. He looked from me to Celeste. "I know there's more going on here. But, I don't have the time to figure out what those looks are, we're late. Let's roll."

JC grabbed my hand so quickly, I didn't have time to think. I was completely mesmerized by him, and didn't realize I never let his hand go. I shouldn't do that to myself. I know as soon as we're back in the States, I won't have this anymore. I'm not going to risk anything with Emmanuelle in the picture. JC won't admit it, but it's so obvious he's into her. All I'd be doing is standing in the way, being even more selfish, if I don't let us have space. I know, I know, it's the same thing over and over again, but the more I repeat it to myself, the easier it'll be.

"Are you guys even going to tell us where we're going?" I asked. All of us were now in the van and heading off to some destination. JC's fingers were no longer interlocked with my own, but his arm was resting across the top of my shoulders. He smelled like sweet banana-coconut sunsets. Again, is it possible to smell like that?

"You'll see when we get there! Damn, were you always this impatient?" Justin smiled.

"Shut up, I only asked once!" I laughed. "JC, tell me, pleeeeease?"

"Oh no, none of your sexy moves are gonna work on him, so don't even try it," Celeste teased.

"What is it with everyone ganging up on me this trip?" I asked.

"You're the youngest, they're just dicks," JC cooed. I scrunched up my face and he chuckled softly.

"Look, we'll be there in a little while and you'll enjoy the surprise, patiently," Justin emphasized.

I sighed heavily, sitting back. I stared out the window, taking the beautiful scenery. The green tropical trees, the clear blue skies, the cyan-colored waters, it was all breathtaking. I had to go down to the beach and experience the essence of this place at night. It doesn't matter if I have to go alone, I'm heading out tonight.

Before too long, the van came to a complete stop. I was so busy daydreaming, I barely noticed. Nonetheless, I got out of the van, stretching out my legs. I took a quick glance around. I felt my cheeks rise, and a smile appear across my face. The aquarium. I'd never really been to one before. How is it possible to live in California and never go to Sea World? Don't know, but I haven't done it for twenty years strong.

"The aquarium? Oh, you guys rock!" Celeste exclaimed.

"Oh, I love the enthusiastic appreciation," Joey smiled.

"Thanks for bringing us, guys," I said.

"You're welcome. Now come on, let's get in there!" Justin said.

Celeste and I locked our arms together and walked in, ahead of the guys. It was early, there were barely any people there, but security would stay out front. My guess is there was some work the guys needed to do being snuck into this aquarium visit, and the place was going to end up closed down to the public. Either way, I was way too excited to care about them working or not.

Well. That is until I saw the cameras.

"I knew it, I knew it," I said.

Joey chuckled. "You sound like one of the great ancestors from Mulan."

I laughed as I nudged him gently. The cameras were from CBS, duh, since they were doing the concert for them. I guess they had to shoot interviews or something, which is cool, but why the aquarium?

"Okay, we're going to set you guys up further in," I heard a cameraman say.

We followed the camera crew in, and as we got more inside the building, I started to let my inner child out. I was shocked. It was a tunnel-like hall, all glass, with sea life swimming all around the top and sides. Like a complete and total tourist, I took out my disposable Kodak and snapped a few pictures of the aquarium, then some of me and Cel. No flash of course. While the guys waited for the crew to set up, they also took the chance to take in the aquarium. We all were like little kids at a toy store: pointing and saying things such as, 'oh, look at that one!'

"Ladies, can we have you step over here?" A woman asked us. Cel and I stepped to the other side of the cameras as the guys all lined up across the hallway. Joey was leaned against the cement wall, then Justin, JC was in the middle, then Chris, and Lance was against the other wall. JC was quickly giving the guys their notes. Soon afterward, he counted off, and Justin began to sing "This I Promise You."

It was like being in a concert hall, the way their voices bounced off of the glass and filled the whole place. I'd heard the guys do a cappella singing plenty of times, but this was perfection at its' absolute best. The chills that creeped up my spine, the goosebumps that quickly spread across my arms, it was beautiful. I quickly peeked over at Cel and could see the tears glistening in her eyes. Mine were already falling, being wiped away. We didn't want to distract them. JC was tearing that song a brand new asshole. In my mind, there was no way I could believe he wasn't feeling those words as he sang them. The cute smile that appeared on his face as he glanced over at Chris. I found myself really feeling an admiration for JC.

As Justin let up on that last note, there was nothing but the sound of the water behind the glass. You could still hear a pin drop. I soon as I heard the word 'cut', that sound of applause from merely seven people, including us, was enormous. Cel and I walked back over to them, wiping our faces, and they all looked deeply touched.

"Excuse us, we're big babies," Celeste smiled. Fanning her eyes as Joey threw his arm around her shoulder, squeezing her close to him.

"Aww, you guys," Lance said.

"That was, I don't even know what to say," I said. Justin and JC beamed at me. If I EVER think of regretting going to Orlando as a kid again, I'd want someone to smash me over the head and remind me of this moment. I was grinning, completely sure that I was blushing as well.

"So it sounded good? I thought I was a little off," JC said.

"Good? That was amazing and trust me, you guys weren't off," I said.

"Guys, we're going to do the interviews now, we need to move to the next location," the woman said.

"Okay, we've gotta get going. Uh, we'll meet you guys back at the hotel for dinner?" Justin asked.

Celeste and I nodded, waving the guys off. Time to work. I'd love to just spend some time with them, all hanging out, but it was probably going to be difficult because who knows what the guys would be up to in the coming year.

2001: I'll explain #2

Celeste and I were supposed to meet the guys for dinner, but instead we wanted to go see them rehearse. Who sits up in their hotel room when *NSYNC happens to be rehearsing nearby? Not one single adolescent to grown woman on the planet. That being said, there was no way we were going to stay at the hotel. We each threw on a light sweater, in case it got cool, and headed over to where the concert was being held.

There were a few teenage girls hiding behind bushes, trying to catch a glimpse of the guys unseen. I wonder if I didn't know them, would I be doing the same thing. Probably not. How the hell would I get to the Bahamas? Nonetheless, I banged my hands against the gate and screamed like I was 17 years old and wanting to get into Lance's pants. After screaming 'oh my God Lance, I love you!' about ten times, I noticed a bright smile walking toward Celeste and I. One guess who it was. Lance gave us a baffled look, but he was amused. He signaled for us to go around and we'd be let in. Those teenage girls hated our guts, but it's *NSYNC, I can't blame them. Before leaving, I took one of their cameras, Cel took the other, and we promised them amazing pictures. We got their room numbers and before the day was over, these girls would have their cameras back. It wasn't meeting the guys, but it was the best I could do.

Once we were allowed to come inside the rehearsal area, the guys invited us to come on the stage for a quick moment before they got back to work. One of their band members was having a problem with his guitar. Standing on the stage, looking over everything was almost surreal. Before I didn't understand how the guys did this, but being able to see things from this viewpoint, I definitely understand what makes them keep coming back.

"Of all the names you could scream, why Lance?" JC asked me quietly, while the others' attention was focused elsewhere. He was standing closely next to me. He still smelled amazing.

"I've screamed yours enough, don't you think?" I grinned deviously.

JC chuckled, brushing his hair away from his eyes. It was best if I looked away while I still could. Any longer and I'd be completely caught in the essence of Joshua Chasez. And this time, I sure as heck wouldn't fight it.

"Don't start up anything you won't be able to finish, Zee," JC smiled.

"It was an innocent comment, take it how you want to," I responded.

"I just might." JC's breath was hot against the side of my neck. I felt the small trail of his bottom lip up my skin. I admit, my knees buckled. Just a little. I played it off as me placing my hand on my hip, switching my stance. Yeah, it was time to get the hell off the stage.

"Cel! We need to get the hell off the stage!" I said. .....it was all I could come up with. My vocabulary is limited when I'm trying to hide being teased. I heard JC's soft chuckle. I quickly found the nearest and quickest way to get me more than 100 feet away from him. I'd have jumped off the stage if the possibility of me breaking both legs were lower.

We stood in the area where the crowd would be located, and acted as the audience. We applauded, danced, and screamed like idiots. This was the happiest I'd been in a long while. I was having great moments with the most important people in my life. Not worrying about anything, just enjoying myself. Trying to find some peace within me was difficult to almost non-existent lately. In my mind, I had played out every single different scenario on simply disregarding whatever I was feeling and diving right into a relationship with JC. None of them turned out good, no matter if it started that way.

Faster than it seemed, the guys were done with their last run through of the songs and were getting ready to head back to the hotel. They were done for the rest of the day and had the night to do whatever they pleased. Celeste and I began to walk toward the exit of the area, maybe those girls were still waiting. Sure enough, they were. We handed them their cameras and they thanked us. No lie, I'd be freaking out, too, if I were them.

"Well that was undoubtedly my deed of the day," Celeste smiled.

I rolled my eyes, pursing my lips. "Doesn't matter what good deeds you do, they don't count."

"What?! Why the hell not?" she asked.

"Because you‘re Hades," I laughed. She elbowed me in my side, and I laughed harder, clutching my side. But, of course my best friend wasn't going to let me get away with that.

"If I'm Hades, then you're my 'stuck in the underworld, wife Persephone," she laughed.

"Jerk. Can you believe we have only two more days here?" I asked.

Celeste sighed. "Yeah, it totally sucks. We definitely have to make it back here and bring our parents."

"I was thinking of just moving here," I laughed. "It would be great, wouldn't it?"

"Not unless you really don't want to see the guys anymore, JC and Justin, more specifically," Cel replied.

I rolled my eyes. "My life doesn't revolve around them, they'll be fine without me."

"You're wrong, your life does revolve around them and not only will they not be fine without you, you definitely won't be alright without them."

I brushed away her comment, not even wanting to defend myself. It was pointless. Celeste knew me and she knew how right she was. No one seems to get it. I barely understand it myself. Justin and JC mean a lot to me. I mean sure, we get into our little tiffs and whatnot, but they've been great friends to me.

"Zahra." I glanced over at Celeste; she was about to ask me something, I knew she was. "You have the opportunity to have something real with JC and you're letting it slip away. Why are you doing that to yourself and to him?"

I let the a question simmer and attempted to explain. Thing is, every time I tried to give her an answer, I ended up falling short. I don't know why. No matter what answer I have her, she just wouldn't get it. No one gets it, not even me.

"I don't know Celeste."

"You're doing so much sabotaging to push JC away, only to find that he'll just hold tighter and keep fighting for you. Zahra, look at me. I know the relationship between you guys hasn't been particularly a fairy-tale, but that man loves you. If you still want the time apart, make sure you think about that before you make your decision final."

With that being said, I stayed quiet for the rest of the day. While Celeste went to go explore the hotel more, I stayed back in the room, laying in bed. Really thinking. I love JC, I do. But how is it fair to rush straight into something and have it fizzle out or crash and ruin our friendship? Why does no one else see it this way but me?

After finally spending pretty much staying in bed the rest of the day, I got up off my sad butt and looked for something appropriate to wear to dinner. I put on a simple, barely above-the-knee dress; the plaid pattern matched exactly with the Caribbean feel of the Bahamas; sky blue, light green, and white. I left my hair down and slipped on my white Keds tennis shoes. Picking up my bag, I walked out of the hotel room, closing the door behind me. By sheer coincidence, though it barely even surprised me anymore, I ran into JC as he was making his way down the hall.

He grabbed my hand, wrapping his arm across my shoulder, and pulled me close into his body.

"Hey Jace," I gushed. I gushed. I still can't believe how easy it is for him to make me react in such a way. I inhaled his scent, he'd just gotten out of the shower. I glanced up, admiring, again for the millionth time today, how amazing he looked.

"Hey babe, where have you been all day?" JC asked, slowing down our walking pace as we neared the elevator.

"In the hotel room, thinking," I replied.

"Thinking about what?" I knew he would ask. He always asks.

"About things."

JC waited for me to step into the elevator and he followed suit. "Things like....us?"

I nodded. He said 'us', not 'you and I', which means he considered the both of us as together, a unit. Not just individuals together.

"What'd you end up thinking about us, Zahra?" he asked.

The elevator came to a stop and the doors open. I saw everyone else waiting in the lobby so we could all go to dinner. Now wasn't the time to talk about this. I had to put on a smile and enjoy this time with the closest people to siblings as I could get. We were in paradise after all.

I took a deep breath before looking up into those beautiful ocean-colored eyes. They were looking back at me which so much adoration. Much more than I'd ever seen from him. Everything inside me turned to mush. I could feel my heart jolt, my eyes becoming clouded from the tears that welled up.

"Later. I promise." I wasn't entirely sure what the cause was for my being so emotional, but I quickly looked away and pulled myself together as we'd gotten to everyone else.

"I'm holding you to that, Zee," JC whispered in my ear. "Hey guys, ready to hit it?"

"Yep, just waiting for you and the Misses," Celeste remarked. Chris nudged her gently and they both snickered. Jackasses.

"Oh ha ha, you're so funny I forgot to laugh," JC quipped.

I was fully lost in myself during dinner. I couldn't stop thinking about why I was so confused. In the span of a good chunk of time, I've accused JC of being so scared, he couldn't love me. I also let myself believe being intimate with Justin was a good thing, which I still don't know if it is or isn't. All I know is, none of it was ever about JC or even Justin. The games, the fear, the confusion, it's all mine.

I know the decision I've made, I know what I need to talk to Josh about. However, I don't know how I'm going to make it work so that I'M alright afterward. How do I start to do what I've been avoiding for so long?

2001: Almost There

"Zahra? Hellooo?" I quickly blinked my eyes, dragging myself from inside the depths of my mind. It was Justin. He looked worried. "Are you alright, Zee?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I replied.

Justin's facial expression didn't change. He did not believe a word I said. I felt like glass sitting there, knowing his blue eyes were piercing right through me, searching for the truth. If all the others picked up on my nonverbal cues, they were probably trying to carry on as to not point it out in front of everyone else.

Justin spoke lowly, not looking at me so he wouldn't draw attention. "You know that's not true; you're not alright, Zahra. I don't know what it is you have on your mind, but I'm hoping you'll talk it out with me. I'm worried about how lost you look."

Lost. That was the word. It was also the feeling.

"I've just been doing a lot of thinking, that's all. I'm really okay, Justin," I assured.

Justin didn't believe me, but I knew that he knew, he wouldn't tell me he didn't. "Alright." He'll be back, just a few more minutes of letting his curiosity and worry eat his brain to pieces.

The restaurant where we were dining, had a dance floor and happened to be playing some great salsa music. So, naturally, after dinner and dessert, we all went over to the floor and danced off all that food we had. I knew I had to be ready to speak about something because, of no surprise to me, Justin quickly grabbed me as his dance partner.

"I knew you couldn't resist," I smiled as I placed a hand on Justin's back and one in his palm.

"Shut up, you know the bait you set. It was only a matter of time." Justin gripped onto my hand and placed his right hand on my hip.

"There's nothing to tell J. I'm so muddled up, I wouldn't even know where to begin." I stepped back, rolling my hips.

"Is it related what we were talking about? he asked.

"More about what we did and what it means," I replied. I could feel Justin's body as it tensed up. I hit a nerve, and I didn't know that it was one to be hit.

"Come on, we're going up to the balcony." I let Justin lead the way and figured no one would even notice we were missing and if they did, they probably thought we went back for more dessert. Let's be real, it's not as far fetched as it sounds.

The view from the balcony was amazing. The sky was a dark navy blue, layered with lavender and a light pink atop it. The water was calmly brushed with waves, creating a soothing sound that drowned out the commotion below. I loved it here, it was beautiful. I could sit out here reading a book, or even writing one, for days.

"I realized we never spoke in-depth about us having sex and we do, we really need to," Justin started.

"And you bring me to the most romantic spot to do so?" I teased.

Justin chuckled. "Zee, be serious, would you?"

"Fine, where do we start?" I asked.

"Was what happened between us only sex or intimacy to you?" he asked.

I didn't answer right away, I needed to think. I needed to be honest, as honest as I could be. This all had to be handled delicately. Regardless of the friendship Justin and I have, it's still not entirely free of attraction and emotions for one another. I meant it when I said I love him.

"It was sex, nothing but lust and passion. But had we done things slightly different, it would have had the potential to be intimate," I replied.

"I feel the same way. If I'd taken it a bit slower, stared into your eyes like I wanted to, it would've been a different experience."

Wanted to? He wanted to have intimate sex? With me? This isn't clearing the air, it's adding more smoke to it.

"When you said that you love me, did you mean it?" I asked.

"I care about you very much, even though I know I have a horrible way of showing it. You feel the things I feel. You know what I'm trying to say when no one else does. I relate to you in a way that can sometimes be hard to do with others. I did mean it and I still do. I'm just scared to lose you because of how I feel," he explained.

"Having sex was definitely something you wanted to do, then?" I asked.

"For awhile, yeah. Given the circumstance, the sex was limited. It could have been heavier and hotter without being less intimate."

"Justin, that sounds like you saying you want to be intimate with me."

"It's exactly what I'm saying."

I don't know what to say to that. "Um...," I started.

"Do you believe what I just said?" Justin asked.

"Yes, that's why I'm lost for words. I believe you, it scares me," I replied.

"Would you want to be intimate with me? Not just sex but real intimacy. You could honestly see that with me?" he asked.

I nodded. Seemed to me that if anything, Justin needed more assurance than I ever did. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that Justin meant everything he said to me. But he doubted me. Can't say I blame him.

"You could see yourself actually being with me?" I asked.

Justin nodded. "I can see a lot of things happening between us that could be exhilarating. But we're being honest, Zahra. You and JC have something totally different than what you and I have, and you keep ignoring that. I just need you to understand that you don't owe me a relationship because we had something going on at first."

"I don't feel like I owe you, Justin. I have something inside of me for you."

"Okay, let me just throw this out in the open. How did you really feel when you found out and Britney and I?" he asked.

Like you ripped out my heart and ate it for dinner. Raw.

"It definitely wasn't a pleasant reaction, it really hurt. I wanted to stay away because I knew I could never compete with her," I replied.

"That's how I felt when I started to notice I couldn't compete with JC. But when things got rough with what we each had going on, we'd run back to what was easy. Each other. I liked having things that way."

It's a dangerous relationship we have. It can't be fixed if Justin and I don't know what there is between us. We think we know, but we don't. We've never taken that step together.

"We still run to each other, J," I said. Justin nodded in agreement. "Do you understand why I mentioned trying US out? I feel like if I don't explore these things with you, then I'll always want to. That want will still be there and it'll stop me from trying to be all in with JC."

"Do you honestly believe that if we explore, we'll stop wanting each other?"

"Yes. I mean, how can we try to stop now if we haven't had the chance to even find out what it is we want from one another?"

"I really have to think about this, Zahra. This is fire you're wanting us to play with." We sat in silence, not awkward, but much needed. "Is this why you've been pushing JC on Emmanuelle so much?"

Seems so.

"Besides the fact that he really does like her, I think he and I need to evaluate the inconsistencies in the dynamic of our relationship before we try to sustain a serious one."

"He's going to be crushed."

"He'll feel worse if we end up not working out and losing each other."

I can't afford to lose JC like that. I need him.

2001: What's Done is Done

I was scared. The conversation I was about to have with JC was making me nervous. Sick to my stomach, hands shaking, nervous. It was about 1 AM, and I had told JC to meet me down at the beach. I wanted us to be in the most calm and serene environment as possible. He had a big day tomorrow, and I didn't want his aura to be all tense because of me.

I sat down in the sand, covering myself with a blanket. Underneath I had on a tank top and long shawl tied around my waist as a skirt. I was using the time it was taking him to get to the beach to figure out how I was going to approach this entire thing. My main concern was trying to keep him from hating me.

"It's beautiful out here."

I turned my head to the right and looked up. JC. His hair was blowing in his face due to the cool coastal breeze. A t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip flops, yet to me he looked like he was wearing a suit. This place was being so generous to him. He'd also brought a blanket with him, it was placed next to me. Everything about him and this beach was perfect. This was going to be hard.

"Yeah, it's great. I really love this place," I finally said.

JC sat down next to me and we faced each other, keeping our blankets around us. Even with the moon illuminating the sky, JC's eyes were still intensely bright and clearly seen. I felt myself beginning to get sick.

"I'm not sure if I even wanna ask what it is we're going to talk to about," JC said.

I smirked a bit, taking a deep breath. "First off, I need you to know and understand that no matter what we've been through, the ups and downs, everything, I don't regret the day I met you. I never will."

It was like I could actually see JC's insides drop. His eyes looked away from me and he nervously began to fiddle with his Leo chain. I felt the tears begin to creep into my eyes. No. I had to be strong for this. JC knew how to prey on my moments of weakness and I couldn't let him change my mind.

"Zahra."

"I don't want things to still be the way they were when you were dating Bobbi. I don't want you to be with someone else and there's me on the sidelines feeling that it's okay."

JC had stopped fiddling and was now staring at me with a stern, but wounded look.

"What I want from you is unfair because you just got out of a long relationship. You need to be free and I won't be the one to tie you down. I couldn't bear you being the one cheating on me with someone else. I want the first time we step into our relationship to be so pure, that nothing we did in the past can ever ruin it."

JC scoffed. "We finally have a chance to be together and you say we can't. The irony. Zahra, I won't force you, if you don't want to be with me.."

"I never said that," I quickly said.

"Then exactly what are you saying? Because it sounds pretty clear to me that you don't want to be with me," JC questioned.

"I do want to be with you. I'm saying that right now isn't the best time for us. I'm so confused about you and I all the time. I want to be ready for a relationship with you and I'm just not. I'm not mature enough."

JC didn't respond to me, he just sat there, staring at the view in front of him. I let silent tears fall from my eyes and let the sounds of paradise calm and soothe the feeling of guilt that weighed heavy on me. Things were silent between us for what seemed like eternity. I had nothing more to say and I had no idea what was going on inside of JC right now. I was certain of not wanting to know, too.

JC hates me.

I n the time of not exchanging anymore words, I'd gotten out my emotions in quiet and was alright for the moment. I thought it'd be best if I left and while I decided on it, I felt something warm against my fingers. I didn't move, nor did I look to see what it was in case it was an insect that stung. But it wasn't. My fingers were being moved, until they were ultimately grasped. JC was holding hand. I exhaled before gathering the courage to look over at him. He was pushing back the hair out of his face.

"I told you before, I’ll support whatever you want us to do, if it means I'll have you in the end," JC said.

I was astounded. "Thank you."

"But for tonight and the rest of this trip, I want things to be as if you were my girlfriend, the mother of my child. If I have to lose you, let's part on a positive note."

"Okay," I said quietly.

JC had opened up his blanket, laying it across the sand. He signaled for me to sit next to him. I opened my blanket, and he wrapped it around us both as I leaned on his shoulder, held in his arms. As tough as I try to be, that's all I wanted sometimes. The spot I chose to sit was in front of a large rock, wanting the maximum seclusion in case JC had walked off in anger. I didn't think the spot would end up being great for having him sit and hang out with me.

I sat back up and looked up at him. "I love you."

JC touched the side of my face, caressing the back of his fingers across my cheek. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on my lips. He hovered for a minute, his forehead pressed against mine, before kissing me again. I felt his fingers pull through my hair, his body moving closer to mine. I didn't have the intention to stop whatever was going to happen. I did want to enjoy our time together while we still had it. The night was beautiful, we were on the beach, and everything was romantic. For once, I wanted to let things happen naturally, the way it should.

I gently forced our kiss from a vertical position to horizontal. JC carefully rolled me onto my back, throwing a few strands of hair away from my face. I trailed my fingertip across his jawline before pulling him into another kiss. His body melted between my thighs and I was aware of the heat being stirred up. I slightly jumped at his cool lips kissing my neck. His tongue massaged, along with soft bites after each kiss. I was for sure turned on now. Pulling back, JC got up from between my legs. I sat up on my elbows to watch what he was doing. He took off his t-shirt, I salivated at his fitness, and he undid the knot I had for my skirt to keep it on my waist. He removed the shawl and slid down my underwear, his eyes fixated on mine. I wasn't thinking about what would happen next, I didn't know. JC pushed my legs up into and upside down V, and then widened them. The cool breeze whipped against my bare skin, it felt good.

"I love you, too, Zahra."

JC dove his head between my thighs. That precise second his mouth connected with my clit, I gasped out. I could feel it swell between his lips, I locked my ankles, my fingers dug into the sand. JC had never done this for me, nor had I ever had it done to me. This was new, the experience was explosive. The touch of his tongue sliding up and down, between my folds, made me feel so helpless. I couldn't force myself against him to foster a climax, I had to lay back and let him have control. JC had me in the palm of his hand and I rarely relinquished that privilege to anyone.

I held onto JC's head, trying not to pull his hair. His tongue began to slide in and out of me. I cried out. This insane feeling of bliss poured out of me. I could feel a knot in my stomach, his tongue sank deeper inside me and caressed against my walls.

"Mmm...oh my god...," I moaned.

JC moved up to my lips, kissing me. His groan vibrated through my mouth, he must have gotten a kick out me accepting his kiss after oral sex. He fumbled with his basketball shorts and boxers, ripping them down and throwing them next to my skirt. His body fell between my legs. Feeling his erection against my skin, immediately I got wetter. Buried in my neck, I knew what JC wanted to happen.

"Stop, Josh, stop," I breathed.

JC's head shot up. "What's the matter? What's wrong?"

It was hard to stop him when he was in heat, because JC in heat always resulted in me having a great night of amazing, passion-filled sex. But, I had to. I hadn't started on birth control yet and he definitely didn't have any condoms. We couldn't find ourselves in a predicament like before. I wouldn't go through that experience again.

"We don't have protection," I responded.

JC started to slide his erection between my folds, up and down. My body locked up around his, my nails slightly dug into the skin of his shoulders. The heat building up between us was like the start of a fire, not having a layer to block the friction was having great results. I moaned out, closing my eyes, wanting to truly ride the wave of what I was feeling. JC quickly snapped his teeth down on my lip, his kiss burned with that need he seemed to have for me. I forced my hand in between our bodies, his penis was pointing downward, and I positioned it in the upward direction. If he were to come, the result would end up between our lower stomachs. I grabbed onto JC's ass, his motion was fast and easy. My clit was throbbing against his penis. This was no nonsense, directly to the point. I had quickly gotten to the point of climax, loving how we wouldn't have to contain our moans being way out on the beach.

"Come on, come on," I breathed.

JC propped up on his two hands and increased his pressure down on me. I held onto him tightly, roughly tongue kissing him, eating up every second that I could. I did want us to make love, but he obviously didn't want us to leave the beach without our bodies touching. I soon stopped trying to hold onto the tingling feeling that crept up my thighs. I cursed, hearing how close JC was to unloading himself. I let go of the moment, and cried out in satisfaction as I came. I felt JC's thigh tremble against my ankle, followed by something warm against my stomach. I stayed still for a moment, listening to his heavy breathing gradually slow down.

"Let’s go play in the water," JC whispered.

2001: I'm caught.

JC and I ended up back in his room, where we went at it a couple more times. I drew the line when the muscles in my body became tight, and I couldn't feel anything below my waist. I spent the night in his room, in his bed, wrapped in his arms. For the first time since I met JC, he wasn't attached to anyone, and what happened between us was right. We didn't have to sneak. Yet, I felt as of he were attached. As if JC still wasn't truly mine, like he belonged to someone else.

I carefully made my way out of his bed and snuck into the bathroom. I needed to grab a shower and head back to my own room before anyone else woke up. Even though JC and I had an arrangement for the time being, no one else knew about it. I don't think I want them to either, if it wasn't already obvious. I simply wanted to enjoy JC and the fact that I felt I still had to sneak around, even though both of us were single, let me further know I had some things to work out within myself. I wonder if JC felt the same. I'd have to ask him. I only hope that once we did return back to the hustled pace of our own lives, we'd still speak to each other. That was the promise we made long ago. I wanted to keep it.

I stepped out of the bathroom and gathered up the few bits of clothing I had. I had started to walk over to the door and I stopped. JC would wake up and I wouldn't be there, I didn't have to do things this way. I didn't want to. I crept quietly to the side of the bed JC was on and touched him gently.

"Josh," I whispered.

"Hmm?" His eyes were still closed.

"I'm going back to my room....Cel and I will try to catch you guys at rehearsals and if not, we'll see you at the show tonight," I explained.

"Okay, thank you." JC opened his eyes, looking right into my eyes. Stunned is an understatement. I rave about how handsome JC is all too often, but it is such the truth. The words to describe how I felt just looking at him....I don't think it'd do him justice. The things other people may find fault with him, I find heavenly. I all of a sudden decided, I wouldn't leave. I could not do it.

I stood up and dropped my things right on the armchair. JC's eyes traveled up, his face scrunched in confusion. I climbed over him and eased back into my spot in the bed. I took my hair from its' holder to let it air-dry. JC turned to his other side, gazing at me. He seemed lost in thought, trying to figure out what to say. Why, though?

"What is it?" I started.

"You're staying....why?" he asked.

"Honestly I just want to be with you, wrapped up in you. Or simply having your head lay across my lap. I sound stupid," I said, feeling the immediate regret of showing such vulnerability.

"No, no you don't. You don't sound stupid. For once, you sound like you have real feelings." JC brushed his fingers through my hair. "You sound like a human being."

"I didn't before?" I had my fingers interlocked behind my head, my eyes intently fixed on JC. I wanted to know what was on JC's mind. In all this time, I wonder if I ever bothered to even ask.

"It's, never mind," JC dismissed.

"No." I sat up and directly faced him, legs crossed at the ankles. "I want a real answer from you."

Seeing that I was indeed serious, JC also sat up and faced me. We really looked at each other, not as lovers, not as friends, but as people. Real people that felt real things all the time and didn't always talk about it.

"You have a tendency to believe that you're built like a robot, like you don't have human emotions, and you take pride in it. You live under the false pretense that if you don't feel, you wont't hurt, so you choose not to feel. I know that you runaway when the capacity for which you feel is too intense. It's only a ruse. Regardless of what you want people to believe, you do feel and you feel deeply. Being vulnerable doesn't make you stupid, it makes you brave."

I was taken aback. He was right, and what made it mean so much more to me was because it was something he noticed over time. All those times I didn't think he noticed me or knew I was alive, he observed me. He observed me accurately. How is it I can know someone and not really know them at all?

When I did decide it was time to leave JC, I did so while he was in the shower. That way I didn't get sucked right back into not wanting to leave. I needed to know that I wasn't making a mistake by giving JC and I space. I'm not, right? I'm not, I know I'm not. The worst that can happen as a result of my decision is that JC and I will get over each other. I don't want that to happen, but it isn't entirely inevitable.

As I debated back and forth with my mind, I slammed into someone. I don't know why I was looking down. When my eyes focused, I looked up to immediately apologize, and the words felt like they got sucked out of my body. Shit. That was definitely the word I couldn't stop repeating. Chris.

"I won't even ask," Chris said.

"Who are you and what have you done to Chris Kirkpatrick?" I asked.

"Oh ha. It's about time you two got together, actually," he replied.

About time? Wait, he kno-- yeah, everybody knows by now. No need to fool myself.

"We're not together, we decided to give each other some space and then take it from there."

Chris scrunched up his face; it was either confusion or his 'what the hell?' expression.

"Space? You and JC?" Chris asked.

I nodded. "We need to work on some things and space gives us room to do that."

"Alright then. I'll catch up with you later on, I need to grab some food before we go off to rehearsals."

"Bye," I waved as Chris headed off. Weird, but his lack of words, put me off. He didn't have much to say and that wasn't like Chris, even if it was making a joke. I wonder what he wanted to say.

2001: All Reality, No Gimmicks

My nerves for this particular show was way higher than it needed to be. It was nowhere near showtime yet and I was completely bugging out over what would happen. I'm sure Celeste eventually tuned me out because I was grating on her last nerve. It was warranted, of course.

I guess I was actually nervous about the whole thing with JC and I coming to a close. And possibly something with Justin and I opening. It's stupid, it's risky, it's stupid, I know. If this was a tightrope that was barely held together in the middle, I would be walking on it with this one. But I have to explore this, I have to test my curiosity. I need to find some closure between Justin and I.

"Did you do it?" Celeste asked as we sat in the very back of the van, waiting for the guys.

"Do what?" I was so into playing my Gameboy, I didn't look up.

“I can't say break up, you weren't together. Err...the JC thing, dang it," she replied.

I paused my game and simply looked at her. She understood.

"Will you be okay?" she asked.

"Of course. I mean, I love him and that's the reason why this is necessary. I can't afford to lose him because we rushed things." I chuckled. "I constantly keep repeating this to myself so I know what I'm doing is right."

"It is right, Zee. Wanting to have a better relationship with someone you care about will always be right. You want to start out differently than how you did and that's fine. Besides, Justin and I will be there for you if things get rough and not to forget, three other guys who've also come into your life."

I smiled a bit and cuddled up against the window.

"Heyyy, let's get this show on the road!" Chris said as the van door swung open. He glanced at me and sat down, positioning himself in my direction. "What's the matter?"

My heart warmed with the concern he had on his face. Chris acted like a fool sometimes, but he really was another older brother to me. "Nothing, I'm fine. Just a morning grouch, that's all," I smiled.

"Good, don't wanna see a sad face before an exciting show, we're here to have fun." Chris pat my shoulder and moved a row up so he could sit.

As the others piled into the car, Justin asked Celeste if they could switch seats so he could sit next to me. She willingly agreed and moved up to sit between Joey and Lance. It was JC's turn to ride shotgun today. I waited until the car started before I made any conversation.

"Nervous about today?" I asked.

"Just a few jitters, but I'm alright. Did you and C talk last night?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm fine before you even ask. I will be."

"Good, I want you to be," he said.

"You didn't sit back here for nothing. What's on your mind?" I asked.

"Well I thought about what we've been discussing," Justin began.

I slowly turned my head toward him. I don't know if I was wanting him to agree or wanting him to say no, I just wanted to know that I did try to make things between Justin and I change.

"What did you think?" I asked.

"I think..." He moved to grasp my hand, squeezing firmly. "I think we should give it a shot and see where we stand."

"Are you sure? We don't have to do this if you really don't want to," I assured.

The van came to a slow stop. "We'll talk about it another time, scout's honor."

We all got out of the van and parted ways. Celeste and I would find something to do until the show. Neither of us wanted to be a distraction by going to watch them rehearse. We'd find something to preoccupy ourselves. Though if it were up to me, I'd be stuffing my face with a bunch of junk food. Chocolate and chips make everything else seem so insignificant. Of course when you get diabetes and heart disease all in one go, that'll change.

"What were you and Justin talking about?" Celeste asked.

"Just the show. I was asking if he was nervous or anything. He seems pretty fine, nothing more than the usual jitters he gets," I replied. No one could know. No one.

"Is he still dating Britney?" she asked.

"I believe so, yes. Why?" Celeste was asking questions she knew the answer to. What is she up to?

"Because of the Wade thing. She seems like a great girl and if she did cheat on Justin, I think it was to get his attention," Celeste answered.

"You can't be serious. How does that even work?"

"You and I know how Justin is. That boy works like no tomorrow. His work ethic is damned unbelievable. J wants big things for his music career and he won't let anyone get in his way. Not even Brit."

"I don't know. I can't get too preachy, I have nothing to say seeing as how I'm not any better. Things happen that you can control and things happen that you can't. I had the control over my actions and so did she."

"Wait you and Justin? You guys had sex?" she asked.

"We had an encounter at the Bye Bye Bye shoot, but we didn't actually have sex until awhile back," I started. Celeste shook her head. "It was pity sex, we both were vulnerable. J would have never done those things if he didn't feel betrayed. Before that videoshoot, I couldn't get Justin's attention if I was lying naked in his bedroom. He really loves her, I don't think he's ever felt for anyone what he feels for her."

"I think he has," Celeste said, staring at me.

"Me? No. Justin chose Britney over me."

"Only because you chose JC over him," Celeste said, impressed with her quick remark.

"Hey I didn't choose JC. JC chose me," I explained.

"And you stopped him?"

"Obviously not. It was impossible to, seeing as how the crush I had as a preteen ended up returning the favor. And not even in alternate universes does that always happen without a catch."

"Maybe if you did walk away, you and JC wouldn't have fallen for each other. Good things can blossom from terrible situations. Come on, let's go do some last minute tourist activities."

Celeste and I went and did some shopping, took a shuttle back to the hotel, and just stayed there until it was close to show time. I know that Cel was trying to make good of all the messes I've created and gotten myself into, but I can't erase them. I'm trying to fix them now and do things differently. Hopefully that's what we're all trying to do.

2001: "Back to your lives, citizens."

The concert was amazing. I had a great time, and watching them perform got me a little emotional. From all their non-stop practicing back in the day, to watching them not miss a single beat on that stage. It was a surreal moment. I can hardly imagine what it must feel like to them. They worked damn hard for everything they have and I'm proud of them. I'm especially proud of Justin and JC.

JC and I spent the remainder of the Bahamas trip together, just enjoying each others' time. Even on the airplane ride back, he stayed by my side and held my hand through it. I wasn't too sure where they had to go next, but I was missing my bedroom and figured one of them would tell me after they got a second to breathe.

"Behhhhhhh-d, I'm hooooome!" I yelled out.

"What about me?" My mom came from the living room and hugged me.

"Hey mom, sorry, I just missed my bed so much," I teased.

"Well go on up and get some rest, we can talk about the trip later," she said.

I nodded and ran upstairs to my room. I was about to open my door when I heard talking from my brother's room. Uh...what the hell? I dropped my bags by my room and opened his door. My brother was sitting on his bed talking to some guy, I'm guessing a friend. The guy was ridiculously good looking, but had to be some sort of man whore if he was friends with my brother.

"Zavier, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked. My brother is two years older than I am. And a troll.

"I missed you, too little sis," he snapped.

"Hi Zay's sister," his friend smiled. He had that "look" in his eye.

"Hey Zay's friend," I grinned. I admit I was a bit flustered, his smile was amazing.

"Dude don't even," Zavier warned, looking at his friend. "Zahra, Dante...Dante, Zahra. Anyway, if you must know, I finished my last class of the semester and a visit home was due. You're supposed to be happy to see me, jerk."

"I am happy, but I just got back from the Bahamas, and wasn't expecting to see your face. But I've got stuff to do, later troll and troll's hot friend," I said, closing the door.

So much for having the basement all to myself. Great. I jumped in my bed and kicked my legs up against the wall. I hadn't done it in so long. At this moment, I'm not too upset about JC, I feel free. But I know come next week when he's probably snapped with Emmanuelle out somewhere, it'll sting. I wanted to grab a shower before I chilled out in my room and played some music as I unpacked. I was picking out clothes when my cellphone began to ring.

It was Justin. "Hey, what's up?"

"We're gonna be hanging out in LA for a few more days, so I thought I'd come see you," Justin said.

Wait did he just...?

"Are you asking me to come over?" I asked.

"Yes. Why do you sound so shocked?" he chuckled.

"Because you're ASKING. You and the guys never ask, you just show up. Oh my god, this is how other homeowners must feel," I explained.

He sighed heavily. "Bye!"

I giggled and threw my phone on the bed. I hurried out of my room and into the bathroom, didn't want Justin to get here before my shower was over. Once I got all clean, it was time to make the scurry back into my room. I didn't want Zavier's friend to come out of nowhere and see me. I poked my head out of the bathroom and scurried into my room, quickly closing the door.

"Close one, huh?"

I squeaked and jumped, turning around to a laughing Justin Timberlake. I went over to him and smacked his arm. I should have known that if I was expecting any one of the furious four, they would always be in my room before I got there.

"I don't know why I thought to expect something different. None of you bastards know how to wait patiently in the guest common area, also known as the living room," I said, grabbing clothes from out of my drawers.

"That's because I'm not a guest and I haven't been for a long time. Zavier was the one who told me to come up here," he smiled.

Figures. "Turn around. Don't peak or you'll lose your fronts," I warned.

"I've already seen you naked, I don't know why this is necessary," Justin said, but complied with my wish.

I put on my sibling stolen white v-neck, basketball shorts, and a pair of black socks.

"Okay, you're in the clear," I said while brushing my hair back into a simple high ponytail.

"Have you and C talked yet?" he asked.

I plopped down into my beanbag chair and shrugged. "No I don't think I was expecting to."

Justin nodded slightly. I wasn't stupid, I could read Justin like a book. But Justin wasn't stupid either, and I knew for sure that he had already finished my chapter. I don't think he was trying to get a rise out of me, but he was. The rise wasn't for him, he just wanted to see if I was feeling anything. Justin was always a bit more careful about my emotions than JC and Celeste were. If it was there, Jace or Cel weren't going to sidestep it for anyone's benefit. J and I were the sidesteppers, for the most part.

"Say it," I said.

"Don't know what you mean," he said.

"Why'd you ask what you knew the answer to, then?"

"Because I want something out of you. You know you don't ever have to hide how you feel from me. I can easily see right through that tough, warrior woman exterior. I know how you feel, I only want to hear you express it," Justin replied.

"I shouldn't feel anything, I was the one who made this decision," I said.

"You love him?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about this," I said.

"Oh, but you have to. I need to know that if you and I are testing out "we", you're not using me as the rebound to save you. Don't I deserve to know?"

"I love him. I care about him a lot, that still doesn't change how I feel about you. You were there for me in ways that JC wasn't, growing up. We became closer to one another through letter, phone, whatever. When it all comes down to it, I'm very attracted to you and I know you're attracted to me. But what is what we have? We don't know, we haven't had the chance to explore it and this is what I want to do," I explained.

"What if it backfires and we end up hating each other?" Justin was seriously worried about that happening. I guess I can't blame him.

"Let's lay it all out on the table right now. Tell me exactly what you want and don't want out of this."

"The only thing I want from you, Zee, is to talk to me. You have to communicate with me.
I can't always read your mind. Oh and I totally get bedroom privileges, so don't be surprised if I'm in here randomly," Justin said.

"You do that anyway, so I don't know why you're even saying that," I laughed. "Deal. And this isn't some constricted type of arrangement. We're just going with the flow."

"Same here. Oh yeah, and please keep the PDA to a minimum. I know how you like to get handsy," Justin teased. I threw a pillow at him. "No, but seriously, is EVERYTHING off limits?"

"I can't say that we won't have sex, because then it'll happen. It's already obvious we're sexually attracted to each other and can have a sexual relationship. Know that sex isn't all I want from you, Justin."

"Going with the flow, right?" Justin assured.

"Right. At least if it doesn't work out, we already know that we can and will continue to be close friends."

"You know it'll be hard, right? Especially making it seem as if nothing is going on between us," Justin said.

"I know, but we've done it before, right?" I asked.

"Letters and telephone calls don't count," he replied.

"Do to. But if it satisfies you, let's try to not be together where cameras might see us."

"Agreed."

Justin ran his fingers over his hair. I took a second to let myself be mesmerized by how amazing he looked. That baby face would never go away, no matter how much older he got. The guy was just good-looking. Even if he wasn't your type, you could never deny his cuteness. Looking at him now, I miss teenage Justin so much. I feel like I missed out on him due to the distance and then because of *NSYNC. I began feeling like I didn't know Justin at all. Maybe I truly don't.

Thinking I didn't know the person I claimed I knew, made my feelings hurt. If I could never be a girlfriend, I always wanted to be a great friend and I don't think I was anymore. To him or to JC. Without giving it much thought, I got up from the bean bag chair and walked over to Justin, he was sitting on the edge of my bed, quickly bouncing his leg up and down. I sat down on his lap and hugged him.

That's all I wanted to do, was just hug him. He didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing, but he did hug me back.

"Hey, what's the matter?" he asked, gently breaking away from the hug.

"In all the time we've known each other, I can't look at you and say I know everything about you. I don't know you and I don't like it, Justin," I said.

Those blue puppy dog eyes of his looked up into mine. "When did things get this way?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I'm definitely to blame. Some drama would happen, and you know how I am, silence is my punishment. I pushed everyone away and kept them away until I was ready."

"You know if none of this works out, this would still be the greatest thing because we're spending time getting to know each other on a deeper level."

"Definitely," I agreed.

"Zahra I need to ask you something, but don't get upset, alright?"

I nodded. I think I had an inkling of where this was going. I mean I was sitting on his lap.

"What started you and JC? It was a total left field crush. Especially since I asked you to be my girlfriend the first time I came to visit you."

Oh. What the hell? That was WAY off the mark of what I thought he was going to ask. Get your mind out of your pants, Zahra. Or better yet, out of his. I actually feel very embarrassed by this. Guess I've been Gerty McPervy all this time. Go figure.

"JC started me and JC. But the precise moment my crush became a two-way thing? You and I were attempting to have phone sex."

"Oh no, please don't let me relive that," he smiled, covering his face.

"Aww, it was cute for us. Those teenage hormones took over after I got those pictures you mailed to me," I joked.

"Quick question before you move on. Did you ever....you know, enjoy yourself to those pictures?" he asked.

"Get out," I replied. He laughed and swatted my comment away. "ANYWAY. JC was listening at the door and he coughed. I got up and banged on the bathroom door for him to come out. He was was dripping wet, towel around his waist, we traded insults, as we did often back then, and then he kissed me."

I purposely left out the details that my mind wouldn't ever erase. I didn't want Justin to know JC was my first kiss. I'd rather him think it was some guy from when I was in middle school.

"And that's what led to all of this. Was it worth it?" he asked.

I shrugged and then looked him right in his eyes. "Yes and it will continue to be."

Justin nodded slightly. He took a deep breath and exhaled, before coiling his fingers around the front of my shirt, and pulling me toward him so our lips could meet. It was a sweet and innocent kiss, but so comforting.

"Pinky swear we'll talk like this from now on. I noticed that I didn't get the full story, just the watered down version. It's okay to tell me how you felt or how you're feeling. It's okay to to FEEL, Zahra. It makes you human."

Some nights I would cry myself to sleep, thinking about how messed up things started out between JC and I. Some nights I would regret the things I said or did and didn't say or do. But most nights, all I did was toss and turn, thinking about how I let myself fall for two men. For years I thought I understood why I felt the way I did about them individually, but I don't understand. What was it that one did for me that the other didn't? What is it that I THINK one does for me that the other doesn't? I don't know.

2002: New Year...New Me?

The new year felt like the freshest start I ever had. I was single, I wasn't messing with someone else's boyfriend or doing any sneaking around. I simply enjoyed me. When Montez got back from his vacation in Puerto Rico, we had a discussion that spread out over the course of a couple days and talked about everything that led to us kissing. It wasn't all peaches and cream, we did hash it out, but at the end we came to the understanding that for right now, being friends was the only place our relationship could go.

Montez also helped me put some perspective on the decisions I was making. The one thing I admired about Chris was that he was very straightforward and honest, but with impeccable tact. He flat out told me that it wasn't a smart idea to try and force something to happen with Justin. But if I was adamant at wanting to navigate unexplored ventures, then I would have to let things happen on its own. No words, no agreement, no secret conversation, nothing could stop something from happening or not happening between Justin and I. If it was meant to be, it'd be and if it wasn't, "don't try to make it be".

Makes sense. Stubborn me took the advice and that's why I've been okay lately. Justin and I didn't do anything different. The only thing that changed was he would come and spend his days off with me. Nothing between JC and I changed much either. He still comes over as often as he used to. I know I wasn't the only reason for him to keep coming back, though. My guess was he knew if he wasn't in Bowie, here was always home. Here was the comfort he was used to. He knew Ms. Camden was Mama Camden and she loved him like she loved me and Zavier.

Hmm.

I was hoping that for Justin's birthday he would come see me and we could do something special, then for my birthday we'd go wild. I'm thinking we drive to Las Vegas and go crazy. But I wasn't sure of his plans. I wasn't sure of any of the guys' plans, really. I wanted to call him, but taking on this 'go with the flow' thing, I'll wait until it's a bit closer to his birthday to see if I hear anything.

"Zahra!!"

Only one person would be so loud, instead of coming upstairs. You can take the girl out of the Bronx.

"I'm coming, Celeste."

I jogged downstairs and met up with Cel in the living room, she looked like she had something she was bursting out the seams of her clothes to tell me. Nothing could be that important because with Cel, you have to take her excitement about things with a grain of salt. But, you have to be as excited when she tells you or else she won't shut up for the next three days about it.

"Are you ready for the best news ever?" she asked me.

"Yes. I am so ready," I said robotically.

Celeste rolled her eyes. "Little kickback. JC's house. For you and Justin turning 21."

My eyes widened, I was actually shocked by her news. Which, in all honesty, is a first of all firsts. A party for Justin and I? Thrown by JC? Why does this sound good but doesn't appear to BE good? With these guys, I have to squint my eyes a tad.

"Say what. Why wasn't I informed about this?" I asked.

"It's a spontaneous event. I know that look, you're GOING," she answered.

"You're saying this like it's tonight," I scoffed. Celeste bit her lip nervously and smiled widely. "It's TONIGHT? Celeste, I can't be ready for a party for ME by tonight!"

"I feel insulted, the good witch of the east is here and you're worried. Honey, I'm going to make you look so hot, the women will be going after you. Do you trust me?" she asked.

"Of course I don't, but since I have no choice because you boneheads didn't include me in any of this, you have the reins," I answered.

"Great. Now...you do realize that once I dress your sexy self up, the men won't be able to keep their eyes off of you. Are you prepared for this?" she asked.

"Yes, because if I pull a stupid face the whole time, I'll be less attractive," I teased.

"Get upstairs!"

A party tonight? I'm wondering if this was supposed to be a surprise party and flappy mcflap lips spilled the beans. But by now, Jace is well aware Celeste has a big mouth. Why would he tell her if he knew she would tell me and Justin? What's the truth behind what is going on here? I haven't had super lengthy conversations with him as of late, but when we have spoken, he never once mentioned a party. I had to be reading way too much into the entire situation, but only because I was worried. I didn't care about having all eyes on me and mouths drooling. I was more concerned about putting myself right back into a sticky situation. I know I'm mature enough to control my actions and myself.

Who the hell am I kidding?

2002: The 21st Birthday Bash

Let me express my sentiment about how Celeste dressed me. Now, I am perfectly fine fading into the background amongst others. I have no qualms. That probably WON'T be happening tonight. Celeste straightened my hair out and did some loose wavy-curls. She did light makeup: eyeliner, shadow, and I was in control of my lipstick. I went for a navy blue from MAC. This dress. Dear God. I didn't even know I had curves like this until I got into this dress. It was long-sleeved, stopped two inches above my knees, and the design was a v-neck scoop in the front. It was navy blue color and had some weird coordinating pattern all around the hem. Instead of making me wear heels, I was allowed to wear my flat, black leather calf-boots. I looked at myself in the mirror. Normally I wasn't comfortable with the skin-tight dresses, but since I got a pass and was in shoes I wanted to wear, I felt great in what I was wearing.

"You look amazing. If I didn’t have taste, I'd totally make you my girlfriend," Celeste joked.

I pushed her in the arm. “Thanks jerk, I definitely look like I'll be 21. You don't think I'll be too much? You know I have this thing with Justin and JC finally squared out. I don't want to make it worse," I lamented.

"Don’t ever say that. You could walk in wearing sweat pants, and those two would still think you were drop dead gorgeous. Doesn't matter what you wear. Accentuate the great ass, tits, and hips, because you have it. None of it is for them. You do look great though. Hell, even Lance will drool over you," she said.

"Why did you say it like Lance would never?" I asked.

Celeste quickly shut her mouth. She began to stammer. "W-Well, you don't know? Look, let him tell you alright? It's better that way. Come on, grab your clutch and let's go."

As I sat in the passenger seat of Celeste's car, I thought about what she said in regards to Lance. What the hell was going on here and how did I miss it? Soon enough, I pushed it to the back of my mind for another time and felt the nerves rise as we approached JC's home. Although I still had a key, I hadn't been to his place in a long while. Now that he was dating Emmanuelle, I made myself forget I had access to him.

A friend of JC's opened the door and let us in, the way he was looking at us let me know that not only was my outfit working for me, Cel's dress was doing WONDERS for her. The entire house was illuminated by strobe lights, the music was loud, blasting 'What's Luv?' by Fat Joe, and we made our way through the crowd to find the "VIP area" where our loves were. When I saw Cel reach forward and begin to hug, I knew we'd reached our destination. There was an area set up nearby the DJ booth where all the guys were sitting and talking to their guests and the dance area was located in the living room. With all the furniture cleared out, it was actually huge. Once I saw Justin, he jumped to his feet and hugged me tightly. I caressed my fingers through his curls, at the back of his head. Who the hell was this man hugging me and making my insides go crazy? I don't know what it was about the Bahamas that agreed with him, but it carried all the way back to the US and stuck around.

"Fuck you for wearing that dress, Zee, seriously," he spoke into my ear. I hid my smile.

"It was Celeste's idea," I spoke back, still locked in his embrace.

"You look beautiful and I don't know what'll happen later, so I'm saying sorry now if my hands can’t stay away from you while we're dancing."

"You look amazing, J. Happy Birthday by the way, and I love you, but you're cutting off my air supply here."

He chuckled and let me go, taking one last look at me before shaking his head and going off toward the kitchen. I greeted Chris, Joey, and Lance, then saw JC. Once he saw me, it was like he froze. Stone stiff. I smiled and walked over to him.

"Hey Jace!" I said.

JC was absolutely stunned. I honestly couldn't understand why because HE was burning my eyes. His hair was curlier and a little longer, he wore a shirt, a vest, and some jeans. Simple, but it was doing it ALL for me. It took him a second before he pulled me into a hug, but when he did, it was the most strong and gentle hug ever. Yeah, I know...how? I don't know, ask him. I went numb being in his arms...I need to be strong. Be. Strong. The way his fingers caressed against my lower back, it felt like he was about to undress me.

"Hey," he finally whispered. "You look gorgeous. Almost like a sorta cute woman."

I snickered at his tease. "You look great, I mean it."

"Can I be blunt?" he asked.

"Always."

"I wanna take you upstairs," he whispered. And just like that, I was in heat. How the fuck does he DO that?

"JC don't do this to me."

"You don't understand, Zee. You're not seeing what I am," he said.

"But I am seeing the equivalent."

I heard his soft laugh in my ear. "We're gonna get into trouble if we don't break apart, aren't we?"

I nuzzled against his collarbone. "Lots and lots of trouble, babe."

"You're asking to be my wife, you know that?" he teased.

"Maybe I'll say yes."

I kissed his cheek and broke our embrace. I had to let go. If I didn't, we'd both disappear up into his bedroom. We've been doing so well, things had finally gone back to the way they used to be. I didn't want to mess it up.

I hadn't realized the full punch of what I had last said until I let the words simmer for a while. In summation, I pretty much said 'I do' to JC. I couldn't tell if I shocked him so much, it scared him; he looked pretty relaxed mingling with the guests. One thing is for certain, though, the night won't end until JC pulls me aside so we can discuss it. I can't say I'm not hoping that's what he'll do, I laid down a serious statement. What ended up being so foreign to me was...I didn't say it simply to end the flirting. It floated off of my lips differently. It was such an ease I was rarely familiar with.

Blocking it out of my mind, I took myself over to the dance floor and grooved away that little voice in my head telling me to go grab JC and talk about it now. Didn't take long before I was being asked to dance. Being a bit of a party girl, I couldn't say no. I lived it up and had fun like it would be my last. These moments I couldn't take for granted, time was going by quickly.

After having my fun on the floor, I went to the kitchen to grab myself some water and cool off outside. A couple of minutes of relaxing on the swing chair and I heard the sliding door open and shut. I turned around to see who it was and it was my birthday buddy.

"Hey Justin, what are you doing out here?" I asked.

"I came out here to find you and ask the same thing," he smiled.

"Oh, I'm cooling off...taking a quick break," I answered. "What's the verdict? You having a good time?"

"Yeah, a great time, really. Good food, good drinks, and all my great friends, couldn't get any better."

"Here, here," I agreed.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." Justin sounded very serious. Something was weighing on his mind. I wonder if this was about Britney.

"Then let's talk," I encouraged.

"I....I've been writing. I've been writing A LOT and I've been thinking about doing my own thing after the tour wraps up," he began.

"Own thing? Like going solo?" I asked.

"Sorta...just during our break. Only to see what could happen. I want to dabble in other things that don't sound like "NSYNC" and see what could come of it, if anything at all."

"Have you talked to the guys?" I asked.

"Not yet, I'm still thinking," he replied.

"I'm not sure how this is going to blow over with the others," I said.

"I don't, either. But I have to try. I have to, or else I'll end up resenting NSYNC."

"I support you. I always will. I just hope you understand what you're about to put yourself in the midst of."

"Thanks, Zee. I was hoping we could talk more about it after the party," he said.

"Of course, J."

Justin had a lot on his mind. I'd never seen him so apprehensive yet so confident before. What exactly was he worried about? I could think of tens of reasons, but it doesn't mean any of them would be right. We sure did need to talk, because this was big. I'm not sure if he knew the possible consequences that might come along.

This decision could change everything.

"Come sit down, hang with me for a few minutes," I said.

Justin came and sat down, keeping his feet planted on the ground so he could swing us back and forth. I moved in closer to him and laid my head down on his shoulder. He was so warm, inviting, and he smelled great. I gently sniffed his neck and he jumped a bit.

"What're you doin?" he giggled.

"I'm cuddling with you, outside, on a swing, and nuzzling your neck," I replied softly.

"If I told you something, would you cuddle me even closer?" he asked.

"Tell me what?"

"Britney and I, we've decided to lay our relationship to rest. We're not making it public until we're ready, though."

I wrapped my arms around his torso and he lifted his arm to place around my shoulder. So this was why I couldn't pinpoint what was going on, there was more than one issue happening. "Justin I'm sorry."

"Are you really?"

"Regardless of how I feel about you, I know how you feel about her and I wouldn't ever want you to be hurt," I explained.

"Thanks Zee. You've been so different these past couple of weeks. Whatever it is, I've missed this side of you for a long time."

I didn't know how to ask what he meant without making it seem like I was trying to corner him, so I took his comment for what it was. I guess getting wrapped up in all those hormones and emotions changed who I was. I never wanted that, but I'm glad I made it back to who I used to be.

"This side of me?" Okay, I had to know.

"When JC and I went back to Orlando for the group, things changed. We all changed. We weren't as close as we wanted to be anymore and it showed. I'm happy that we're all back to normal."

"Yeah, but now the group might not be together anymore."

2001: Can I Take That Back? Will I?

I made myself completely anxious because I kept thinking about what I had said to JC. Yes, it was a teasing comeback. Yes, it was banter. But no, I didn't plan to say that. I stayed outside long after Justin had gone back inside. The end result was me riling myself up I had to go outside to get air. I was already outside! I took a couple of deep breaths before I went back inside and sure enough, JC spotted me and pulled me to the dance floor. He lifted my arms on his shoulder and placed his hands on my waist. His palms were warm. 'Nice and Slow' by Usher was blaring throughout the party.

JC danced me slowly, my body was pressed closely against his. His lips grazed against my neck and his fingers were cradled in the dip of my back. I sighed gently into his ear. I enjoyed when he held me. I know it didn't seem as if I wanted intimacy, but I did. JC knew how to cater to giving me what I wanted when I didn't know how to emote it. His hands sank into my back, forcing me closer to the front of his frame. He began to make small body rolls against me, and I felt the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up.

"JC, be good," I whispered.

"I don't want to."

"Then what do you want?" I asked.

"You don't want to know," he chuckled.

"Just dance with me, you fool," I smiled.

The rest of the night I enjoyed myself. I danced with JC, I danced with Justin, I danced with Joey. Lots of dancing with J's. It was great to simply have fun without worrying whether something was going to happen or not. I finally let go and went wild. It was time I did so. As the party was winding down around 1 AM, everyone was getting in their goodbye's. Celeste and I had a quick little chat before she cleared out. Naturally, she tried to sneak me condoms seeing as how I decided to stay back and help JC start cleaning. This girl! I was staying because I obviously wasn't going home. Also, because I know we had to talk. Doesn't mean anything will happen. Sure, we might kiss, but to be honest I haven't kissed him in a while. And we both seem to be just fine.

"Thanks for staying and helping me, Zee."

"No problem, you know I'd do anything for you," I said.

"Anything? Would you tell me what you meant earlier?" he asked. I know Joshua like the back of my hand, if I didn't know it was coming for five hours, I wouldn't be so prepared.

"Tell me your opinion about it," I replied.

"Correct this if I'm wrong but, to me, it sounded like you were saying you'd say yes to marrying me. Is that what you were saying Zahra? Would you marry me?" JC was very inquisitive about this? He even stopped what he was doing.

"I would."

I don't believe I have EVER seen JC look at me the way he was looking at me now. How could I explain this? It was as if he was seeing me for the first time in his life. Maybe he was. Maybe he was seeing me as a woman and not as the teen fanatic who used to grin wide enough to measure 8 states every time he spoke to her. Maybe he was seeing me as someone he could actually build a meaningful relationship with.

"What," I finally said.

"I know you want to torture me for all the years I tortured you, and I deserve it."

"Jos--"

"No, hear me out. I know I tell you I love you, but you don't know how much I mean it. I don't even think I knew how much until just now," JC explained.

I didn't know what to say. This was different than any other one on one I'd ever had with JC. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me. What could I possibly say in response?

"I want you to know that I'm holding you to those words. And I'm doing that because if you asked me to marry you, I'd say yes without a second thought."

I blinked the tears away. I was in pain. This man standing before my eyes loved me whole-heartedly and I wasn't able to return it the same in full force. I felt myself quickly unraveling and I completely broke down. I fell apart. I dropped down to sit on the floor because the rush of emotions was too much. JC quickly came over to me and wrapped me up in his arms. He's never seen me like this before, and in not knowing what to do, he cuddled me in silence.

"No matter what happens between us, Zee, you will always be the one I fell all the way in love with. Always."

I try to see the best in things. Sometimes I can't, but for this instance I tried. Justin spoke with me about wanting to try a solo project. I backed him and gave him my support as ploy for seeing the optimistic side of things. When in reality, I got a bad feeling as soon as he mentioned it. I've never been one to hide from the truth. Justin has always been the fairly popular one out of the group. The youngest and/or lead singers usually are. Justin told me the guys talked about it at their next meeting and were for it. Lance verified this for me and JC verified it.

Great.

I was invited to some studio sessions and I got to hear what Justin was working on. That's when I became superbly worried. It wasn't that I hated the music, that wasn't it, I loved the music. That was the problem. I LOVED it. And I could feel that other people would, too. There was no doubt in my mind, once I got to know Justin, that he was destined for something great. He wanted it that bad and he worked for it.

This album was going to be big for him and I'm afraid.

2002: Something Less, But More

"Zee, what'd you think of the track?" Justin asked me.

I snapped out of my ridiculously imaginative daydream daze and nodded my head. What'd he ask me? Shit. Was it water? Justin stood, squinting his eyes at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. Oh yeah! He wanted to know what I thought!

"It was great, I loved it," I finally said.

Justin twisted his lips and crossed his arms. He wasn't buying any of what I said. Figures. He looked so much like his mom when she used to get at us for running around the lot at MGM studios. It freaked me out.

"You could at least attempt at lying better if you weren't paying attention," Justin said.

"I'm sorry, I was out of it. I almost couldn't remember what you asked me," I covered.

"You've been like that the past three days I've brought you here. What's going on Zahra?" he asked.

I didn't want to tell him. No I couldn't tell him. There's no way to explain how I felt without making J feel as if he was doing something wrong. He wasn't. Wanting to try something new is never wrong.

"I love everything you've been doing," I answered.

"Zahra."

"Whaaaat? I'm telling the truth!"

"Zee?"

"Justin, this isn't the time nor place to discuss anything, if there's anything to discuss. We'll go to your place after you finish up and talk. Scout's honor," I promised.

With that, Justin nodded his head and went back to work. We were there until about ten at night and he looked beat up. We both did. I offered to drive so he could sit down and relax on the drive back to his house. There wasn't much talking between us, I preferred to have the radio playing while I thought of how I was going to approach this talk. It really did bug me how easily Justin could see through me sometimes. How did he know I was lying? My MOM never even knew I would lie because I learned how to master looking directly in her eyes. I stopped racking my brain once I began to pull into his driveway. Damn, I wasted my time thinking about how I got caught.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Justin bought a house in LA? Justin bought a house in LA. I sauntered up to the front door and let us in. Oh did I forget to mention I have a key to this new house? I have a key to Justin's house. I dropped my keys on the kitchen counter and opened the fridge to grab a bottled water.

"Alright, are you gonna hash it out with me or are you going to bed?" I asked.

"We don't have to hash it out if you tell me what's been bothering you as of late," he replied.

"Then you have revoked the right to get upset with me. Sure you wanna know?" I warned.

"Yes, I do."

"As soon as this album comes out, you know things are going to be different, right?" I asked.

"Yeah...," he trailed.

"I mean different as in, it'll be a success and well, you know."

I couldn't say it.

"And well, you know, what?"

"And things won't be the same between you and the guys," I finished.

Justin scoffed. "How can you possibly say that? I've known them for pretty much half of my life."

"Things change. I'm not saying that you'll love them any less, but things will be different." I had to leave it at that. I couldn't say what I really wanted to say.

"Okay." Justin himself didn't want to push me further. I think he knew what I was getting at, he just wasn't going to ever admit to something so farfetched. "See? Easy. We didn't hash it out."

"Go on up to bed then, I'll sleep down here," I said.

"I'm not letting you sleep on a couch. You have a key here, so you always have a bed to sleep in. The way you've been suggesting that I'm an asshole? It actually hurts."

Justin took my hand and I followed him upstairs. I didn't mean to make him feel like he wasn't a sweet and caring person, because he was. I haven't been around Justin this much in a long time, I had some adjusting to get used to. I didn't know who he was as well as the others because I wasn't with him every day.

"There's two rooms down that hallway and two more down the other one. Take your pick," he said.

"How about the master?" I asked.

Justin shot me 'the eye' and smirked. "Come on."

He took me inside his bedroom. Contrary to belief, I was rarely ever in his bedroom. I can count at least twice and it was only to quickly grab something for him. The room looked like a studio apartment, it was ridiculous. His bed was in the middle of the room, against the wall. It was huge. I went to sit at the foot chest at the end of his bed. While Justin went rummaging through his drawers.

"Here's a big t-shirt, you can go shower first," Justin offered.

I nodded and grabbed the short before kicking off my shoes and placing my socks in them. I stepped into the bathroom, which was in his room, and closed the door behind me. I looked around. Tiled floor, marble countertops, porcelain jacuzzi tub. Oh but that shower. It was equipped with large shower head. I turned on the water and let it beat agains my fingers. Ugh, the water pressure was perfect. I took off all my clothes and stepped inside. I dove my head under the water and let the drops caress my hair.

Thirty minutes later, I dropped my worn clothes into a plastic bag. I looked at myself in Justin's t-shirt. It barely touched my knees. Had to be a shirt from the past two years because anything before then, the shirt would've been a nightgown. I dried my hair as much as possible, leaving it down after running a Denman brush through it. I opened the door to the bathroom and walked out. Justin looked my way and instantly he began to nibble on his bottom lip.

"Did you want a longer shirt?" he asked. I shook my head no. "Well go ahead and make yourself comfortable while I get clean. The remote is in the land of the mattress somewhere."

I snickered and shooed him off. I climbed the small wooden steps to get onto the bed and fell into absolute heaven. The mattress ate me alive, it was so comfortable. I sank further in, and once I found the remote, I put it on the music channel. Nothing went better with this bed than some Soul/R&B. No sooner than forty-five minutes to the hour, Justin came out of the bathroom in a white undershirt and boxers. His hair was wet and laid flat against his head, but it was still curlier than ever. After dumping his clothes into the hamper, he climbed into his bed and picked up a remote that turned off the lights. There was mild light coming from the television and more music.

"Did you set the mood?" Justin asked, pointing to the tv.

I smiled. "No, your bed did, the music works with this level of comfort."

He chuckled and dropped back into his pillow. The sound of the music caressed my ears and relaxed me. I hadn't felt so at ease in the past couple of days and all it took was this bed.

"Zee, is there a chance we can sleep together and not have anything happen?" Justin asked.

"We have before," I answered.

"Well I want everything to happen tonight," he whispered as he closed in on me. I felt my entire body tense up at the touch of Justin's finger sliding up my thigh. "It’s unavoidable with you being this close."

"It's been almost five months, you're still vulnerable," I murmured as Justin began to place light, damp kisses on my neck.

"Don't...tell me...how...I feel," Justin said between kisses. "I hate when you do that. I can say the same about you with JC since I hear he's dating around." I rolled my eyes. I might have deserved that.

"You know that wasn’t necessary to mention."

Justin placed his lips over mine and gave me a full kiss. I sighed heavily into his mouth. If there was one thing that always held true for me about J, it was how my hormones went through the roof when he gave me an actual kiss. I don't know what it was, but there was always a fresh feeling when our lips met. He pulled away, taking a moment to examine me.

"I saw the way you were staring at me when I came out of the bathroom, and you know I did the same to you. You don't understand what you do to me."

I knew there was a possibility of what could happen when I made the decision to bunk in the master bedroom. In all honesty, I didn't think Justin would have to gall to initiate anything. Yet, his fingertips pressed on, under the t-shirt, and across my lower stomach. The grazing feeling as he edged closer to my breasts gave me goosebumps. He bit them gently through my shirt and positioned himself between my legs. I shifted when I felt his hardness pressed against my underwear. Justin's teeth pulled at my neck as he began to push himself firmly down on me and shift forward and back. A sigh of relief was released from my lips. I grabbed onto the flesh beneath his underwear and forced him closer to me. The muscles in his butt tensed up as I grabbed him. I widened my legs, pushing my pelvis upward to match his motion. He breathed deeply, releasing the hotness from his mouth against my ear. He whispered that he wanted me. Was this what I wanted? Yes. But was it what I needed? Would us having sex get me any closer to achieving a closeness with him that I didn't have? No.

"Wait," I said breathlessly. Instantly, Justin removed himself from me and plunged into his side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he said. I could hear the guilt in his voice.

"For what? I want you. And that’s the problem."

"What do you mean?" Justin turned on his side, leaning on his hand as he looked at me.

I turned my head to meet his blue eyes. "Justin do you trust me?"

"What kind of question is that, of co--"

"No. Do you trust me. If there were three people on this earth who you would want to know your most intimate secrets, would I be one of them?" I asked.

The silence said everything I needed to know.

"Uhhh, where is this going?"

"I don't want sex from you. I don't want that to be us. I never have wanted that to be us, and it's becoming that way."

"What do you want from me, then?" Justin was confused and worried, but he was willing to baby step with me until he understood.

"I know more about you from what you don't share than what you do. We're deeply emotional and passionate people, Justin, and we never let anyone see it. We hide it from each other, behind smiles and sarcasm. And sex. All I want is be acquainted with the side of you that's so very often hidden."

Justin listened to me intently. And if he and I were anything alike, he was very anxious. But did he understand what I wanted? I hated the feeling of having something missing in all my friendships and not knowing how to fix it. There were times where J and I knew each other so well it shocked me. But there were more times when I had no idea who he was or what he was thinking. To this day, we have yet to truly talk about Britney.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Justin finally answered.

"I'm willing to."

I snaked my body closer to his, snuggling against his chest. I wanted to feel someone sometimes and not have to say or do anything. The comfort of having someone there who won't let you down. I couldn't be that someone for JC until I learned what it was like to have that someone for me.

"Again, you know that once you go through with this album there's no going back, right?" I asked.

"I know. And everyone is gonna hate me for it."

2002: Explosive

After what happened between Justin and I at his house, I decided to give things a few days to settle. Whether it be hormones or, yeah hormones. I, myself, dwelled on his words: "everyone is going to hate me for it". Personally, I think he's overreacting. It won't be that huge of a deal. How can people hate him for doing something he wants to do? Don't we all do things we want to do? Or at least try? Either way, all I know is, so far the guys have been so supportive of him and his endeavors. It does make me wonder if they have tiny voices in the back of their heads, though.

I grabbed my keys off the counter, I was getting ready to head over to Celeste's. Before I could put my hand on the doorknob, the bell rang. There was only one reigning champion who was capable of such timing.

"JC," I said as I opened the door.

I stood, waiting for an acknowledgment. I haven't seen or spoken to him in like two weeks. Seeing him was not only a shock, but also a tad weird. He brushed past me so quickly, I didn't even get a chance to say hello.

"You used the doorbell," I said, still standing at the front door. I shook my head and closed it.

I found JC in the living room. Pacing. He paced back and forth like an absolute madman. This put me on edge. I was so worried to the point of actually thinking JC was high on something. I don't remember ever seeing him and not being able to peg his mood. The behavior was freaking me out, and honestly I felt very uncomfortable.

"Joshua," I began. I kept my distance ways from him.

"Be honest with me okay, just tell me the truth. Okay?" he said.

I was scared of the shakiness in his voice. He looked fine on the outside, but it's obvious there was a different story taking place on the inside. All the alarms going off in my head were telling me so.

"I'll be honest," I cautiously answered.

"Are you dating Justin?" he asked.

The breath I was inhaling got stuck. Fuck. This was not for real. This could not be what he was asking me. Please let it be a dream.

"What?" I coughed.

"Are you and Justin together?"

"Why are you asking me this? Where did you hear such a thing?"

"Answer the question," he said directly.

"No, we're not dating," I replied slowly. My eye began twitching because of the tone of voice he used when addressing me.

I didn't lie. Justin and I weren't officially dating, nor were we together. We were friends, only with not as much boundaries. And even with those less boundaries, the most we did was make out in his room. No more than JC and I, that's for sure. I had no idea what could happen between Justin and I, but I wanted the option to find out. However, I could not say this to JC. Especially not when I had no clue of where his mind was.

"Where did you hear this?"

"People have been seeing you two together," he replied.

"He and I hang out all the time, you can't be serious," I said.

"I only want the truth." He was so wrapped up in his mind, he blatantly ignored what I said. "Are you intentionally staying out of being in a relationship with me?"

"Dude, wha--"

"Answer the question!" he shouted.

I raised my eyebrows, stepping further back, wanting more distance from him. I did not know who this man was standing in my house. I refused to answer the question. Whether I lied to him or told the truth, the level of danger I felt I was in skyrocketed.

"Lower your voice," I said sternly.

"What's so wrong with me, Zahra? Why don't my relationships work? How come I can't make them work?" he questioned.

It was the desperation in his voice that made my cold nature soften. I moved a little bit closer to him, he was still pacing. I slowly put my hand on his shoulder, sliding my fingers down to grasp his hand. His hands were shaking, I guided him to the couch and made him sit down.

"Calm down. Start from the beginning," I pleaded.

"Emmanuelle and I broke up," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not. You never wanted us to be together," JC bluntly responded.

"I....," I couldn't even finish my statement.

"I have people telling me they've seen you out with Justin. And Justin's wanting to be solo. And you told me you weren't ready to be in a relationship, but you're with him all the time," he rambled. It sounded like he was spilling everything in his brain out onto the floor.

"Who are these people and why are they telling you my business?" I demanded to know who was running their mouth.

"I don't get why people leave me. Why don't they want me? It's like I've never been good enough. I mean, my mom didn't keep me. How great could I have been?" JC continued.

Those words broke me down. Entirely. Every single thing that recently took place, disappeared in my mind. All I cared about and saw was JC. In all the years I knew him, I have NEVER heard him speak about his mother or him being adopted in this context. Not ever. The emotions rose, floating inside my chest. I pulled him into my embrace, but he snatched himself away. I should have known better, he didn't want to be coddled, and definitely not by me.

"Why didn't my mother want me? Why didn't Nikki or Bobbie or Tara or Emmanuelle want me? Huh? Why don't YOU want me?"

His curly locks fell slanted, across his face. The glisten in his eyes dropped me down to my knees. I placed my hands across his lap, hoping he would let me comfort him. JC was experiencing a complete break right now. This was entirely my fault. I never wanted anything like this to happen.

"I do want you," I calmly answered.

"No you don't. If you did you would be with me," JC spat.

"It's not that easy," I said.

"Why? Why isn't it that easy? Isn't this what you wanted? To finally shove in my face that you were right about me? That I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about you and wanting you?" he asked.

"Because I have to be sure of my feelings for you. I need to be sure because I don't want either of us to get hurt anymore," I answered.

"You're not sure you love me?" he asked monotonously. His tone was grave.

"I'm sure I love you. Absolutely. I only want to be sure I don't love anyone else," I replied.

"That's all I needed to hear."

JC stood up from the couch, and I backed away as far as I could. He didn't even bother to look up at me. He started off toward the front door and before I could call out, the door slammed shut. I didn't have to be a Harvard graduate to understand that this very moment, this exchange, would be the last time JC and I ever spoke to each other again.

Was I entirely wrong about JC not ever speaking to me again after he blew up at me? No. I was far too right. I wish it wasn't true. He was beyond upset with me. I seriously hurt him. I bruised more than his ego and pride. JC was not going to be on good terms with me until he was healed. Or until I feel the same way he does. Whichever comes first.

I didn't intend for any of this to happen, but I knew the consequences. I knew things could end badly. Still, I wasn't feeling great. I was worried about JC all the time, laying in bed thinking about him every night. The only way I even knew he was alright was if I saw him on television. I couldn't ask the guys about him because, well, as far as I was concerned, they didn't know JC was at odds with me. Usually they were aware of these sorts of things, but I myself was far too ashamed to mention the situation to anyone. Not even Justin knew. Only because I was positive he would freak out and hit me with the 'I knew this was a bad idea' speech. Neither of which I was mentally prepared to handle.

This would probably be better for both of us. JC and I spending time apart, I mean. This wasn't the first time we weren't speaking to each other. Still, unlike those other times, JC wasn't the one who was truly hurt. He would always come back to me.

I don't know whether I believe he'll come back. Maybe I do. Maybe it's time to stop letting him.

2002: Justified Release Party

Justin's album release party was the talk of the century amongst those who had gotten to know him. Everyone wanted to see his potential and hear what he had worked on all summer. Some were hoping he'd fail because the tenderness of NSYNC not being together was still raw. They didn't want to see it as someone who was curiously trying something new and different. Maybe they knew what I knew.

I, on the other hand, was personally begged, pleaded, and invited to attend the party. Eventually I gave in and promised to show up. But I didn't make any commitments on how long I would stay. The only reason my going was even an issue was because I knew JC was going to be there. And it was a no brainer he knew the same about me. I don't think I'm prepared enough to face him not greeting me happily and forgiving our arguments right before we came close. I wasn't ready for things to be this way. But they were and because I knew it would, I'll take the responsibility that comes along, with my head held high.

"I seriously can't come to terms with you actually not wanting to attend this party. Of all people, I figured you would be the first one to be there to support Justin during this time," Celeste said as she was driving us to the gathering.

"I have my reasons," I responded curtly.

"Any of them start with Joshua and end with Chasez?" she asked. Despite the spot on guess, Celeste didn't know about what happened between JC and I either.

"No, not at all," I calmly answered. "Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm going to the party."

"Yeah, after J practically begged you. " I ignored her comment. "I don't think I've heard you even mention JC in months. Did something happen with you guys?"

"Nope. You know how we get, we need our independence," I lied. Well it WAS the truth, but not in this instance.

"Right, so how have things been with you and J? He told me you guys had been hanging out a lot more often since he's been on a break."

"Yeah we have, it's been real fun actually. I've learned so much more about him. Our conversations have more depth and I love it," I answered, although I still felt our relationship was severely lacking.

"He's going to be ecstatic that you're coming and support him. He's going to need us in the months coming ahead," Cel said.

My face scrunched up. Why was he going to need us? Is it possible that Celeste had been thinking the same thing I had been since Justin had mentioned solo activities?

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"He's doing something on his own and there will be more people against him than for him. He'll need us. Anyway don't spend time worrying about anything, let's have fun," Celeste replied.

The rest of the ride to the party, I was nervous and I kept fidgeting with the keychain on my wristlet. This was either going to go very well or very wrong. I was hoping for my and everyone else's sake...it would go well. No, it WILL go well. I would never forgive myself if I ruined the most important night for Justin.

I got out of the car and tagged behind Celeste like a little puppy. I did get shy around cameras and luckily, we're not important enough for cameras to care about us. Harsh truth, but I was fine with it. We walked up toward the top, where the most important people to Justin were located. My heart was thumping inside my throat, as I encountered Chris, Lance, and then Joey. A hard elbow sank into my side. Flinching at the pain, Celeste grabbed my hand.

"What is it?" I whispered violently.

"Joshua, how are you?" Celeste greeted.

"I'm great, it's been way too long since I've seen you, Cel."

My breathing came to a short halt as I saw JC come into my vision. He was wearing a melon button down shirt with blue and white stripes, jeans, and open-toed shoes. Such a hippie-surfer boy. I couldn't stay here. I did the quickest pivot and started to walk in the opposite direction before he could see me.

"Zahra?"

Caught. Yet surprised. Did he say my name? Was he talking to me now or was it for show? In any case, I couldn't ignore him so I turned back around. I wasn't sure if he was giving me a look of disappointment or excitement or not. I avoided eye contact.

"Hey, JC."

"Cel," he began.

"Got it, I'm out," Celeste said as she patted my lower back gently and walked away. I didn't want to be alone with JC so he could have another go at me. How could she leave me?

"May we go to the balcony?" he asked. I nodded and followed him through the crowd of people.

There was no one outside on the balcony but us. It was eerily quiet considering the huge gathering that was occurring inside. I kept a safe distance away from JC, sitting on an armchair quietly. I had never been scared that JC would hit me or anything like that, but I was scared he would get riled up again if I made it seem as if I was trying to come onto him.

"I wanted to apologize to you for that night. I had way too much on my mind at once," JC said.

"You meant what you said. Don't apologize," I quietly argued.

"Please try not to be too upset with me," he said.

"I'm not upset," I said. I looked down at my hands, hesitating. "I've realized that everyone is slowly being poisoned. And the only thing everyone has in common, is me. I'm toxic. I get what I want and don't care what anyone else wants."

JC turned around, beginning to walk near me. I knew he was going to come next to me. Try to hold my hand. Coddle me. I didn't want him to. I couldn't let him do that anymore.

"Don't touch me. Don't let me pull you in again. Jace, I don't know how you ever called me your best friend. I ruined your relationship with Bobbie and Emmanuelle, and I kept toying with your feelings, and I kept bouncing back between you and Justin, jeopardizing everything you guys worked for to make myself happy. And no amount of apologies could ever fix anything I messed up. But from the bottom of my heart, I'm so sorry. Whether you forgive me or you don't, the best solution is me staying out of your life."

I was fighting back my tears. I was hearing everything I kept pushed and locked away inside of me, from my own lips. And it was true. Everything was true. The smartest decision JC made that night he was a wreck, was walking out and never having to see me again. JC was much better without me. And he knew that he was.

"Stop talking like that," JC said.

"I can't stop telling you the truth."

"I was feeling a lot of things that night, Zee. I should have never been out driving around in the first place. I --"

"It'll be goodbye for now, not forever," I interrupted.

"What are you saying to me right now?" His facial expression turned from stern to worried. I hadn't prepared to do any of this, it was just all coming out after seeing how at ease JC looked before he noticed I was there. He looked happy. I hadn't seen him look that way since we were kids.

"I'm saying let's part amicably. Space. You need to be away from me," I nodded.

"Don't tell me what I need. If you knew what I needed, you would be the person I walked that carpet with tonight. I only need one thing and that's you," he argued.

I smiled, blinking the tears out of my eyes. "Don't fight me, Jace, just let it be."

"What am I supposed to do without you, huh?" I could see that he was beginning to break down. And I could not bare to see it, but I had to stay strong. I had to stick by my word. It was better for him. I know it would be.

"You're supposed to live. Go get married and have children. Be happy. That's what you have to do," I answered.

"Zahra whatever I said that night, I'm sorry." He whispered, "But please don't leave me."

My heart broke.

"I'm not leaving you. You're leaving me and it's better for you. I promise it will be," I assured.

He was at a loss for words. In all the time I knew him, JC had nothing to say to me. He didn't know what to say. I put my arms around his waist, burying my head into his chest. When he was ready to, he placed his arms around me. I kept quiet. He needed to have this moment with me like I needed to have it with him.

"Do you not want to be my girlfriend this badly?" JC asked after awhile.

"I think wanting to be your girlfriend too badly is what got us here in the first place. I don't think you deserve an immature girlfriend. I shouldn't have pushed you when you said I was too young. I have some growing up to do before I end up pulling you into something toxic," I answered, looking up at him.

"I want to enjoy this party with you and everyone else who's important in my life. Let's, let's just go have fun, Zee." His thumb caressed my cheek. "Tonight we won't be apart. I'm gonna take you home and I'll make love to you until we fall asleep. And afterward, I'll say goodbye for now."

For once, I knew I was doing the right thing. And it was only the beginning.

2002: One Down, One To Go

As the party began to come toward its end, JC, Celeste, the guys, and myself spent time saying our goodbyes to one another and setting up time to see each other. But I had something else on my mind. I excused myself to go find Justin and personally congratulate him. I looked around, and went over near a bar where he was speaking to some people. I stood idly by, waiting for him to finish his conversation, but once he saw me, he quickly wrapped up his words.

"Hey," he smiled brightly.

"Hey, can we talk in private?" I asked.

He nodded and took me outside to the balcony. The view was beautiful, and it was slightly chilly. Without missing a beat, Justin picked up on my vibe. His attention was fully on me, but I was still looking out at the view. Bright city lights, people on the move, it put things into perspective.

"Zahra," Justin said lightly.

"Yes?" I said, snapping out of my state.

"You wanted to talk to me. What's going on?" he asked.

"There were a lot of beautiful women here tonight," I said.

"I guess so?" Justin was giving me a 'what the hell are you talking about face?' and I knew him well enough to just get to the point.

"Remember everything I said regarding you and I? How we should take things slow and let things happen naturally?" I asked.

"Yes, what about it?"

"Forget everything," I answered. He opened his mouth to stop me and I paused him. "I owe you an apology. I kept playing with you and JC's feelings because I wanted you both. And if I didn't have you, no one else could. I let things happen between us that I shouldn't have. Instead of being a true friend to you when you were going through rough times with Britney, I took advantage of it all. And I'm sorry for that."

"Where is this coming from?" he asked, still confused, but trying to understand.

"It's coming from me. You're starting a new part of your life and it would be best for you if I wasn't in it."

"Excuse me? What makes you think you know what's best for me?" he asked. I had angered him, but it was only a mask because he wasn't comprehending anything.

"Because I know what's worst for you. I don't need to be around you right now. There needs to be a clean break away from me so you can focus on what's ahead. You have a solo album now," I replied.

"Sounds like you're running away," he said.

"I'm not. If I ran away, I wouldn't have even bothered explaining anything to you. But I'm here because I needed you to know how I was feeling. I don't like being this destructive person. I'm not happy because I see how I'm bringing everyone down with me. It's not fair."

"What am I supposed to say to change your mind?" Justin was pacing across the ground.

"Say that you understand and will let me take time. You won't call me or come by my house. You'll live life like I never existed," I suggested.

"Zee."

"Justin, my mind is made up. Congratulations and I love you. Now hug me."

Justin was hesitant. If he hugged me, he admitted defeat. But if he didn't, he wouldn't be understanding of my decision. I figured he wasn't going to hug me, so I turned away from the balcony to go back inside. My arm was grabbed, I was pulled into a familiar embrace. We both held onto one another for a good minute. When I let go, it was bittersweet. I blew him a sweet kiss.

"Congratulations Justin, you finally made it."

I walked back inside and used my cellphone to call Chris Montez. I was supposed to wait for JC, but I knew it would be harder to let go if I went with him tonight. I decided to go on a trip with Montez, he was the only friend I had who had nothing to do with Justin or JC. I didn't know where we were going, but I needed to be away for awhile so no one would come looking for me. My loved ones needed to understand that I took what I said seriously. They would be better off. I knew they would.

Things changed. And at first those changes didn't sit well with me, but as time progressed, they worked themselves out. Without me. As they should have.

NSYNC went through a patch, but came together again. Joey had two beautiful daughters, Chris was married, and Lance, well Lance was engaged, too. And I'm so proud to say that Lance had great taste in men. Justin was married and happy. Although my feelings for him stung in the beginning, I was finally able to cope with the idea of him never not being "the one" for me. I sent him things through Celeste, but I hadn't seen him in far too long.

JC.

I hadn't seen him for almost eleven years. In person, that is. I would hear about him from Celeste and mostly Joey. He was producing up and coming artists now, and Cel mentioned that it was the happiest she had seen him in such a long time. It made me so warm inside to know that. I felt so much guilt because I wasn't there for him after he went through all those issues with his music and albums. I still feel that guilt at the most random of times.

I would think of all the hell and highwater I put him through. In all this time, I used to think meeting him sent my life into a spinning top of craziness. But it was always me that did the damage to him. I never made it up to him and I don't know how I possibly could do so. It only mattered so much to me because I still had the softest of spots for him. The sound of his name or the thought of his smile still made me smile from one block to the next. But I did the right thing that night. For both Justin and JC. They deserved better and it's what they got. And once I realized I deserved better, things changed for me, too.

I learned the most any person could learn during my time living as a recluse. It took effort to build my life and career. I always wanted to help people, and whether I'm doing research studies or counseling children, I had something that was mine. Something I worked for. I didn't have a husband or two kids, but I still have that new and burning passion for my work. My love life was at a standstill right now, but it was of my own personal choice. I went on dates sometimes, but in the end, we both wanted different things. Who knows, maybe one day the perfect guy'll just land right on my doorstep.

Maybe.