Chapter 1

I guess you know me well
I don’t like winter
But I seem to get a kick out of doing you cold
Oh, what the hell, you always surrender
What’s this strange relationship that we hold onto? 

Baby I just can’t stand to see you happy
More than that I hate to see you sad
Honey if you left me I just might do something rash
What’s this strange relationship-ship-ship?

"Are you sure you don’t want to sit in the sunshine? It’s glorious outside this morning," Jen’s mother, Aurora, asked me as she hung up some new wind chimes that we’d purchased earlier that morning.

Curled up on the comfortable sofa and surrounded by a blanket, I shook my head. "No, I’m fine here," I answered softly, still comfortable in my misery.

It had been two weeks since I’d left Justin’s house and I hadn’t heard a word from him. Sasha and Mike coordinated the exchange of luggage and toiletries in Orlando while I lay cocooned in the Heavenly bed, trying to console myself with memories that would never be again. The next day we flew back home to Maryland where I spent exactly one day at Sasha’s before JJ drove me out with his incessant babbling about rap and skills, not to mention the times he tried to ‘spit’ for me. But when I went back home the memories were just too much. Everywhere I turned I was reminded of either Justin or my parents so I turned to the next best thing: Jen’s house.

Jen didn’t live as close to me as Sasha did but it wasn’t very far -- just off of 16th Street in Washington, DC, right over the line that separated DC and Maryland. She wasn’t there but her mother was and if you needed comfort, Jen’s house was the place to be.

Aurora – we were instructed since we were children to call her Aurora and not Mrs. Cantes – wasn’t your typical mom. My mom and Sasha’s mom called her weird and she never quite fit into the typical mom fold that our parents did. Besides being White, she always did her own thing, which I had grown to admire. She was into astrology, crystals, oils and all of those other so-called healing properties and her house was filled with plants and knickknacks that she’d collected over the years, giving her house a homey feel. I knew I’d be welcome there and could confide any secrets I had in her. I called and she insisted I come right over accompanied by a bag filled with enough things to stay indefinitely. I followed instructions and by the time I arrived she was waiting with a huge pot full of steaming, chamomile tea, ready to listen.

Over our tea, I told her everything. Some of it she knew from Jen, but the pregnancy was a huge surprise to her.

"Are you sure that’s what you want to do, honey?" she asked, furrowing her brown. "You know you’d have plenty of support from me and the girls."

"But that’s not enough," I told her frankly. "I need someone who’s going to be there day and night, experiencing everything I am. And then there’s the whole problem with who he is – I can’t be responsible for ruining that, you know? No matter how much he says he wouldn’t resent it, I know deep down that eventually he would and I can’t have that. He’s worked too hard for the success he’s gotten to have someone like me ruin it. I tried so hard to explain it to him but he was drunk and high and wouldn’t listen," I confided. "All he could see was that I was rejecting him and his baby and that’s not the case at all."

She sighed. "Well do you think that now that he’s sober and has a clear mind he might be more able to listen to reason?"

I’d thought about that but through my daily conversations with Mike I knew it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I shook my head, "No … he’s still on a rampage," I answered. "He’s not that bad, I mean he’s not drunk constantly, but apparently my name is forbidden to be mentioned. He doesn’t want anything to do with me."

"What about his mother, can you get to him through her?"

I laughed harshly. "She doesn’t even know this is going on, as far as I know. And if she doesn’t I’m not going to be the one to tell her. It’s all up to him – who he tells, what he does, what he doesn’t."

She took a sip of tea. "Ah, but you see it’s not up to him. The most important decision is up to you, honey. You’re holding all the cards right now and he knows it and the fact that he can’t change your mind is killing him."

I shrugged. "I won’t change my mind. I won’t do it no matter how bad I know abortion is. Even if he was by my side right now, I’d still know that I was making the right decision." And I believed that. I’ve already outlined my reasons for believing so strongly in not having the baby; there’s no use in going into them now. Just know that they hadn’t changed – if anything, his behavior had made them grow stronger than ever.

Aurora reached over and squeezed my shoulder. "I’m not pushing you in any direction, honey. I’ll be by your side for whatever you choose to do, okay?" She looked right into my eyes and I knew she meant what she said.

Looking back, I nodded, "Okay," I said over a sob that was trying its best to escape from my throat.

Aurora finished her tea and sat the cup down with a definitive clang. "No matter what you decide, it seems to me that what you need right now is a little TLC and who better than me to give it? I’m sick of rattling around in this big old house by myself now that Jenny’s gone. You’re staying here for a little while until things are back on an even keel for you. And don’t even bother trying to argue with me; Mother God brought you to me because we need each other right now and that’s that."

Aurora believed in Mother God and Father God and any time spent trying to talk her out of it was useless. I just went with the flow. I knew when I’d lost a battle. "Can’t argue with Mother God, can you?" I said tremulously, trying to give her a weak smile and she smiled back broadly.

"Nope, you sure can’t. Besides, it’ll give Jenny some peace of mind. She’s been worried to death about you and knowing you’re here will take a huge load off. And my God, I can only imagine how much Sasha has been mothering you to death," she put a hand over her forehead as if in pain. "That girl will drive anyone crazy!"

Aurora was complaining but for some reason she and Sasha had always clicked and been the closest out of all of us. Even though Sasha claimed not to believe in any of the stuff Aurora spouted to all of us, she sat and listened to her for hours while Jen and I went off and played. She even looked forward to the weekly massages that Aurora insisted she give us; she claimed they helped heal the body and none of us complained because they felt amazing, but Sash was always first in line for them. They had a special bond that I was never a part of but it was okay. I was glad Sash had someone to visit and talk to, someone that she trusted and could open up with. So Aurora’s complaining was just malarkey as far as I was concerned. We both knew Sasha would be over at the house every day and neither of us minded. Besides, just as Aurora said, I knew she’d been lonely since Jen had left the house. Jen was the last of her kids – she had an older brother and sister – and the company would be nice, for both of us.

And that was how I ended up basically living at Jen and Aurora’s house for the next few weeks. The appointment for my procedure – that is what is what it was referred to – was in a couple of weeks and I needed to soak up all the motherly attention I could before and after. Aurora would’ve preferred if I had moved in permanently lock, stock and barrel, but I knew that I couldn’t hide away in her home forever.

It was time to move on. It was time to move on in a life away from Justin.

Anyway, that particular morning – of course Aurora was a morning person when I’m so not – she’d dragged me out of bed to catch the ‘beautiful early morning light’ and I stayed curled up on the couch inside of the large kitchen ever since. Normally I’m a late riser but once I’m up, I’m up --- not any longer though. Those days I spent slinking around, moping and missing Justin so badly that it took every ounce of self-control not to call him. I figured he’d get in touch with me if he wanted me, right? Apparently his life was moving on just fine without me and I didn’t want to go crawling back, begging him to forgive me. Besides, I still stood beside my decision, missing him or not. It seemed that was the crux of our problem: he wanted the baby and I didn’t. But what he didn’t understand was that I was the one who would be saddled with the responsibility of taking care of the baby, not him. He would breeze in and out of our lives while I had to deal with the day-to-day activities and call me weak, but I just wasn’t ready to do that by myself. Why he couldn’t understand that, I didn’t know but I did know that I had to be strong in my decision – after all, this child would be my responsibility for life, not for just eighteen years.

I truly believed, and still believe, that I did the right thing.

Now don’t go thinking I believe women should go running to an abortion clinic every five seconds because I don’t. But they’re there for a reason. Roe v. Wade happened for a reason. Maybe my reason didn’t seem as important on the surface as others, but it was important to me and that’s all that mattered.

That’s what Aurora told me one afternoon when we sat around talking. Generally our routine consisted of her making me get up to run errands to get some godforsaken oils or incense, lunch, then afternoons spent at home talking or relaxing. In retrospect I have to thank her because otherwise I know I would’ve lain in bed all day. Not even Sasha could’ve gotten me up but Aurora, no matter how close and familiar we were, was still Jen’s mom and therefore it was ingrained in me that I had to do what she said.

Mike called me every day around two or so, just to check in. That’s when our friendship really began to take hold. At first I thought he was calling on behalf of Justin to be sneaky but pretty soon I realized that he truly cared and wanted to know how I was. Awkward at first, we soon began talking like long-lost friends, discussing everything from politics, fans and the ABC soap lineup. Before I knew it, Mike was considered to be part of my small circle of friends: Sasha, Jen, Aurora, and Dave.

Yes, Dave. When I returned home, I found about thirty messages from him asking where I was and I called him back. Pretty soon everything came pouring out and despite Justin’s better judgment, I told him about the baby situation. I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive friend --- and when I say friend, I mean friend. He made sure to call me everyday and to occasionally drop by something silly that he knew I’d enjoy: the latest Barbie, some of the 90210 dolls, a book I’d expressed interest in or that he knew I’d like. I’m no dummy; I know his interest went beyond pure friendship but I made it clear that that was all I could handle at that time and he made it clear that he would respect that. Therefore I added another member to my support team.

I needed support more than anything else at that time and all of it was greatly appreciated.

~*~

"Are you okay? You need more orange juice?" Sasha hovered over me like a mother hen, fussing over me as she tucked in my comforter and forced food down my throat.

I’d had my ‘procedure’ that morning and all I wanted was to die.

Literally.

It was done; the decision I’d made weeks before was carried out and everything was over. My baby was gone, almost as if it had never existed, right along with its’ father. I didn’t know if he knew or not but I knew Mike knew because Sasha had told him the day before, big mouth that she was, and he’d expressed nothing but worry for me. Which was a good thing because I was a heap of sobbing tears. On the way there I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry and I kept that promise, but when I arrived home – I’d decided that I wanted to come home to my own bed instead of staying at Aurora’s – I’d gone straight upstairs and collapsed into tears on my bed and hadn’t stopped for hours. Sasha was at her wit’s end on how to deal with me but still managed to treat me gently.

"No," I croaked," shaking my head that rested on a tear-soaked pillow. "I’m fine, Sash. Go watch TV or something." Naturally she wanted to stay with me until she felt I was stronger but really, all I wanted was to be left alone with my misery.

"I don’t want to leave you alone, girl," she protested, but I insisted.

"I need to rest, right? That’s all I’m gonna do, I promise," I told her. "Lay here and rest, get some sleep. If you’re hovering over me, I won’t sleep you know that. So go downstairs and chill, okay? If I need you, I’ll call you."

"Promise?" Sash was wavering and I pushed her over that edge.

"Promise," I affirmed, nodding my head to make sure she understood. It worked. With one backward glance, she left me alone.

Alone. Peacefully alone to remember all the times Justin and I had cuddled together in that bed, all the times we’d just freaking been together. I missed him so much, more than I can even type. It was like my heart was literally broken in two, like half of me was now missing. I’d never realized quite how much time Justin and I had spent together once our relationship really got going – Sash was always my best friend, but he took on a different role. He was my everything. We talked about everything, discussed everything, laughed about everything – the point was we did everything together. I traveled with him, leaving my life and home behind without a second thought, and followed him all over through his various travels in the US.

And I’d do it again if I had the chance.

Maybe I was being too melodramatic. He’d begged me to stay, right? He’d asked me to stay with him and maybe that meant we could try again with a clean slate. I knew he loved me – love wasn’t ever the problem. It was everything else that causes stress. But knowing what we knew now, could we try it again? Give our romance a second chance?

But I was too afraid of rejection to call him, knowing how angry he still was. I mean, he wouldn’t let people speak my name in his presence, for God’s sake! So I lay there in bed and pondered what to do when the phone rang.

Normally Sash would get it but it was my cell phone so I reached over, intending to do nothing more than to pick it up, check to see who was calling and sit it back down but the name on it floored me.

It said: Justin Cell.

Justin was calling me, on today of all days. My heart began to beat faster and faster and I started breathing hard, not knowing what to do. Eventually the sane part of me took over and raised the phone to my ear, pressing the on button. "Hello?"

"T?" He sounded the same, I remember thinking. Serious, but the same.

"Yeah," I answered breathlessly. "Justin?"

He exhaled. "Yeah, it’s me. How … how are you? Is everything okay?"

"I’m fine," I answered honestly, not sure if he knew what had happened earlier that day. By his tone it was impossible to tell. "How’re you doing?"

"I’m doing good, real good. We won the lawsuit, I don’t know if you heard," he said tentatively, trying to lighten the mood of the conversation.

I was elated. "You did?! That amazing! Justin, I’m so happy for you guys," I couldn’t have been happier if I had won a lawsuit. "So does that mean ‘No Strings Attached’ can come out? Are you guys finally free of the Fat Asshole?" Fat Asshole was the name we’d given to Lou Perelman.

"Yep," he answered proudly. "We’re looking at a release date of early next year with a big-ass tour, T. It’s gonna be fucking huge, like nothing anybody would expect from us. And you know we have those dates in Hawaii on New Year’s – we did the dates in Vegas over Thanksgiving already."

I was supposed to be there in Vegas but I didn’t mention it.

"How did they go? Did you knock ‘em dead?"

He laughed. "You’re always so optimistic, I swear."

I laughed right back at him. "You’ve done that show, like, a million times. You could do it in your sleep! If you didn’t knock ‘em dead I would’ve been disappointed," I explained. It was true; they did that show practically every single day in 1999 and I knew they were sick and tired of it. Heck, even I was sick and tired of it and I’d only met Justin in July.

He conceded that I had a point. "I can’t lie, you’re right. We did the shows and we added ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’ but otherwise it’s the same shit we’ve been doing for a million fucking years," he told me.

"Are you switching anything for Hawaii?" I asked.

"I wish," he groaned. "Same show as in Vegas, unfortunately. That’s why I was calling, actually. I mean, that’s not the only reason I’m calling but – I was thinking – fuck it. I miss you, T. I know I acted like an ass that last night and I know I deserve it if you never speak to me again but I miss you. I need you and I want you back, baby. Would you think about trying again? About us trying again? I know some things have to change, like my temper and shit, but I’m willing to try. I’d do anything to have you and the baby back. Anything. Just think about it, baby, okay? Gimme a chance, okay?"
 

My heart had been spiraling out of control up until his last few sentences when he mentioned the baby. The question I’d been wondering about earlier – whether or not he knew about the abortion or not --- was definitively answered and I had no clue how to answer him. I wanted to do all of the things he’d suggested but they came with a price tag that I couldn’t deliver – the baby.

"Umm, Justin…" I began uncertainly, not knowing what to say, "The thing is…"

"I’m not asking for an answer right away," he interrupted my lame attempt to respond to his spontaneous outpouring. "You can think about it, baby. Just think about us and our family, that’s all I’m asking."

"There’s isn’t any family!" I finally blurted out, not thinking about what would be the best thing to say. "The baby … it’s gone. I went this morning and had it taken care of, Justin. I thought you knew … when I hadn’t heard from you in all these weeks I assumed you were okay with my decision."

If there was a wrong way to tell a guy about an abortion, that’s it, ladies and gentlemen.

There was a long silence on the phone before he spoke and when he finally did, his voice was weak. "You … you did it without me? You did that without me being there with you, T?"

I covered my eyes with my hands. "You said you never wanted to see me again!"

"I was mad and you know that when I get mad I say stupid shit! You know that!"

My eyes remained covered, my small way of hiding from reality. "If you never wanted to see me again then where have you been all this time? Why haven’t you called to see how I was doing? Justin, as far as I knew you were done with me and I had to make the best decision for me. You weren’t a part of that decision anymore because you removed yourself from that equation when you told me to get out of your sight, remember?"

More silence on the line. I could hear him breathing so I knew that he was there and I waited for him to gather his thoughts together. Finally, he spoke. "I’m not gonna say I approve of what you did but I would’ve been there for you. I would’ve held your hand and taken care of you. Even with everything that’s happened, I still love you more than anything, T. You took that away from me and it hurts to think that you think I wouldn’t give a fuck. Is that what you think for real?"
 

I sighed. I wasn’t sure what the hell I thought anymore. "All I can go by is your words and your actions, J, and both of them have showed me that you want me out of your life. Can you tell me any different?"

"Tara … I’ve told you a million times that I need you. Just because we’re going through some hard times doesn’t change that. I’ve needed you since you left my house that night. And the whole time I felt bad for calling you a cold bitch but you know what? I wonder if I was really wrong … because you cut me out of something that was just as important to me as it was to you. You were wrong this time, T. You should’ve told me, no matter how much shit I talked, you owed me that much."

All of a sudden I was angry, not sad. "I owed you? I did exactly what you asked me to do – get out of your face. If I called and told you anything, nine times out of ten you would’ve told me to fuck off and we both know it. And now you have the nerve to try to make me feel guilty? The day of the abortion when I’m laying here crying already, you try to make me feel guilty about you? This isn’t about you this time, Justin and this time I’m not letting it be about you. It’s about my loss and me. Yeah, you lost something too but I had something ripped from my body and if you think it’s not killing me you’re insane! So you think about how wrong you are, okay? Think about it and call me when you have some sense in your fucking head because right now I can’t deal with your self-centeredness. Goodbye."

With that, I hung the phone up and turned it off, knowing he would immediately call back over and over. For once I didn’t give a damn. After all the weeks missing him, for once I was glad that he wasn’t around at that moment because I think I would’ve punched him in the face.

He had been right the first time. It was a good thing we were over. It was time to heal and move on.

But where to start?

Strange Relationship

Chapter 2

"Breathe in the smell, girls," Aurora instructed us. Jen and I rolled our eyes and snickered, but Sash actually went along with her weird plans. I told you she secretly believed in all of that crap. "Let the scent relax you, let your muscles loosen and just … feel. Just be," she waved the incense stick she was holding around us so we’d get to smell more of whatever scent she’d decided would help me the most.

Aurora was a woman on a mission. That’s great – everybody should have a mission in life. Only her mission in life was to make me happy and so far nothing she did seemed to work. Secretly I had to admit that she was making me feel a little better – just the effort she put into trying to make me feel better had a great effect on me. But the majority of me was still morose and didn’t want to climb up out of the bottomless pit of misery I’d descended into.

"Mom," Jen complained, "we’re trying to watch a movie here. Could you do this later, like when we’re sleeping or something?"

Never had a mother and daughter been so dissimilar before. Jen was level, practical, always did the right thing, followed the rules and was very much mainstream. She was nothing like Aurora who dressed like a funky hippie and looked younger than her daughter half the time. Whenever we went anywhere people asked if they were twins and Jen would get so mad! But she really loved her mom. I think Jen was more of the adult in the house that her mom sometimes.

Aurora shushed her. "This is just to relax you a little; you can pause the movie, you know," she frowned at her youngest child. "Besides, it’s always better to communicate than to stare at some little box with people doing stupid things on it. Why don’t we all sit and chat for awhile instead of sitting here like idiots staring at the boob tube?"

Jen shook her head. "The boob tube? Mom, c’mon … you’re embarrassing me. Go away!" She reached a leg out and pushed at her softly, not meaning to hurt her at all but trying to make a point.

The point wasn’t taken.

"Sit here," Sasha scooted over and patted a cushion for Aurora to sit on and Jen shot daggers at her with her eyes. I just tried not to laugh at the scene before me. It doesn’t sound funny but it was like a re-enactment of my entire life. Every Saturday night was spent at one of our homes and usually we spent it at Jen’s because she believed in letting kids be ‘free’ which meant we could eat anything we wanted, watch all the bad movies we wanted (except for porn) and generally act like maniacs. To sum it up, if we’d acted like that at mine or Sash’s houses, we would’ve been beaten within an inch of our lives. Funny though, Jen liked our houses better. She hated when we’d pick her house to stay over and we loved it. It’s all so strange, how the way you grow up shapes you and the things you like. She craved structure and calmness while Sasha and I craved chaos.

Aurora finished waving her incense stick around then sat down on the living room floor with us. We had huddled down for the night, loaded up with chips, cupcakes, ice cream and soda – and tons of chick flicks and the entire floor was covered with magazines, socks, pieces of clothing, all kinds of junk and we’d only been there a few hours. Aurora settled herself on one of the huge throw pillows we’d stolen from her bedroom and if you’d walked in and saw us you might’ve thought, at the most, that she was our older sister. I hope I age like her, man.

"Don’t any of you think I’m right? That talking is more fun? We could ask each other questions, make each other laugh … we’ll get way more out of that than watching this," she pointed at the screen, then she stopped. "Wait a minute, who is that?" she asked in disbelief, gazing at the screen in shock. None of us even had to think twice about whom she was thinking about.

"That’s Ryan Phillippe," Jen said dreamily, stars practically shooting from her eyes. "One day I’m going to find that man, I swear," she said softly, completely lost in a dream world. She’s so adorable.

I could so relate how she felt at that moment and it made me sad all at once. And of course Aurora saw it immediately.

"Why does that make you sad, honey? Does it make you think about him?" About the only thing she didn’t dabble in was being a psychic but at this rate I was thinking she should consider that career option. That woman knew every thought that went through my brain.

Suddenly everyone’s attention was on me, even Jen’s, as they waited for me to answer the question I’d been avoiding since he called. I hadn’t told them that he called – it had only been a few days before – but I knew I couldn’t lie in their faces.

"He called me," I said simply, just letting it out into the open. "The other day, when I … got it … done. He called me."

To my surprise, no one got up or said anything or did anything other than stare at me.

So damn nosy.

When I didn’t say anything on purpose just to bother them, Jen broke. "Well? What happened? Why didn’t you tell us this before, Tara? That’s just wrong," she crossed her arms over her chest, all indignant. Jen has a complex about being left out of things because her brother and sister kept secrets from her all the time and treated her like the ‘baby’ in the family.

I slung an arm around her shoulders, not to comfort her but more to comfort myself – and said something else. "Do you wanna bitch at me or hear about the conversation? It’s up to you," I told her and then I waited for the inevitable sigh, then the slump from her rigid position.

"Okay, whatever. Just tell us!" Sasha interrupted, clearly not wanting to play any games. "And I’m gonna kick your ass for not telling me he called in the first fucking place, don’t think I’ll forget, either," she warned.

I sighed. Thinking about the conversation with him made me feel sadder and more alone than ever, even when I was surrounded by three women who loved and would do just about anything in the world for me. I still missed Justin love. "Well." I began, "it started off good. …"

And I poured out my heart once again on the floor for everyone to see.

"Mike didn’t tell him? He knew you were going that day, that fucker!" Sasha fumed and I gave her a half-hearted grin.

"Sash, Mike works for Justin. He can only be up in his personal business so much, you know? If he gets involved with all this it’ll compromise his job. I’m glad he didn’t tell Justin; that’s not his job as a friend or as a bodyguard."

Jen jumped in, "That’s true, you know. But Justin should’ve at least called to see how or what you’re doing instead of getting drunk having "Tara Doesn’t Exist" parties," she said sourly, rolling her eyes. Where she had once been a huge supporter of me and Justin’s relationship, things had changed since Florida. She wasn’t so sure that he was a good thing for me anymore and neither was I, I’m sure you already know how happy Sasha was about the breakup, she practically did a song and dance about it once a day.

Sasha swallowed some Coke. "And you were surprised by this immature behavior? I could see it coming, I told you months and months ago how he would fuck this up and my girl would end up hurt. Didn’t I? Remember? I said…"

When she got into those moods and started her blabbing, I zoned out and went somewhere else in my head. Sometimes it was when I was still pregnant; sometimes it was when I’d never been pregnant at all; and sometimes I had the most beautiful little baby with me. In all of the daydreams, though, Justin was with me. We were together and stronger than ever and everything was so perfect. In my daydreams we made things work somehow; neither of us gave up.

I’m not like Justin. I’m not a fighter by nature. I was fighting for our relationship, though, at the expense of the baby and you may say that was wrong and maybe it is. Who knows? But more than that, I was fighting for his future and mine. Neither of us was mature or stable enough to have a baby yet, that's easy to see. So I did what I thought and think was the right thing to do.

And all I was left with to console me were my daydreams.

Oh, I kept myself busy – in fact, I’d even started working again. Remember that job that Sash said was way too hard to do? It was teaching dance part-time at the old school we went to. We dropped by one day, something we’d do from time to time because practically lived there growing up, and they told they were selling it. Something about the owner -- who we don’t know because she was always pretty hands-off -- wanting to unload it. So everyone was complaining about already being short-staffed and now having to find a new job and so on and do forth and well, Sasha really listened to them and did something about it,

That night I ate dinner at her house and she told her dad that he should buy the studio and we would run it. After the rest of stopped choking on our food and spitting beverages across the room, we settled down to a dull roar and listened to her and do you know what? She actually made some sense, believe it or not.

She talked about her degree coupled with the fact that both of us had continued with our dance classes well into college and are qualified enough already to teach. She said she had extraordinary management skills and would have no problem keeping things running smoothly while I could work the administrative stuff because I’ve always liked to that sort of thing. Then JJ ruined it by mentioning how I used make him play Office with him when we were little and I looked like a fool but they got over it fairly soon.

After her long spiel, Mr. Evans actually looked interested. I think the part that got him was when Sasha pointed out that she’d be working long hours sometimes until we got the staff together and whatnot. When she said that he sat up straight and his eyes got all bright. A few days later, a few meetings later with Mr. Evans where he basically told Sasha that he’d kill her if she screwed this up, she got it. The whole canoodle, lock, stock and barrel.

Sasha’s School of Dance was now in session.

Sash had to make a million promises to Mr. Evans but I was just helping, thank God. No way was Sash going to be my boss and I knew that would be her power trip. In the beginning everyone assumed that I would run it equally with Sash but I didn’t want to make that type of time commitment yet, you know? Call me crazy but … what if Justin needed me?

Because I still needed him.

I know Sasha suspected it but she never said anything thank God. I knew things were over but a small part of me still hope that maybe one day we’d be okay again, as he liked to say so much. "We’ll be okay, T."

As Sasha and Jen talked more about how awful things were between Justin and me, I found myself really leaning onto Jen’s shoulder, growing sadder and sadder. I glanced over at Aurora and she was smiling sympathetically at me and I knew that she knew exactly what I was doing.

Missing my Justin love.

I didn’t want anyone to know though, and she must’ve sensed it because she broke the ice to take the attention away from me. "Is this what you guys do when you talk to each other? Forget it, this is for the birds! Turn that movie back on so I can some more that hot kid!" Aurora poked Sasha to turn the DVD back on to "Cruel Intentions", pretending that was drooling over Ryan Phillippe. Well, maybe not completely pretending, but you know what I mean.

Pretty soon we were all immersed in a sea of Ryan, chocolate, and soda until we passed out on the floor in various positions around two or three in the morning.

Well, almost everyone did. I hadn’t been sleepy at all; in fact I wired, almost. I wanted to see Justin and seeing Ryan Phillippe didn’t help – have you ever seen how much alike those two look? So I played along all night and stayed quiet, cuddled up against Jen. I’m a cuddler. Sasha will let me lean on her when no one’s around but Jen is very affectionate like me, so she has no problem with me lying in her lap while she braids my hair or something. By doing that I managed to avoid calling attention to my sadness since we were all silently drooling over his hotness.

But soon everyone, including Aurora, was knocked out and I slipped out from underneath the tangle of legs and arms around me, tiptoed over to my purse and grabbed my cell phone. With my heart beating so loudly in my ears that I was sure the entire house could hear it, I sneaked into the kitchen and sat on the little couch there. Pausing for moment, I took a deep breath. Did I really want to do this? Did I really want anymore pain? Did I really want to live my life without Justin?

That did it.

It was so easy, just took three buttons to reach his cell, the one I know he always has with him. I never took him off of speed dial because … well, just because. So yeah. The phone rings, I almost hurl all over the stairs, and then it kicks right into his voicemail.

"Hey, it’s me. Leave a message and I might call you back. Ha ha."

Beep.

"Umm … hi Justin … it’s me, Tara … I was just calling because" and my throat got all clogged and tears were burning my eyes, "I missed you and I wanted to see if…" I paused to take a big sniff and to wipe at my eyes, "we could try those things you said because … because …I need you Justin, just as much as you need me. So … could we try? Something? God I’m such a sucker but I love you and fuck what anybody thinks. I love Justin. Come back to me. I need you, okay?…. Okay … Bye."

I clicked the phone shut and buried my head in my hands, crying hysterically. I thought I was alone but suddenly Aurora’s arms were around me, holding me and rocking me soothingly. It felt almost as good as how my mommy used to do. We sat there for at least ten minutes until I calmed down, shaking a little but much better than before.

"You okay, honey," she asked softly, smoothing my hair back from my forehead and I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess I am," I said tiredly. "I just need him, Aurora. I can’t be without him; I feel like it’s killing me or something, do you know what I mean? I don’t know why but I had to try again … am I wrong?"

She shook her head and laugh a little. "Honey, all is fair in love in war. People think that’s some kind of cliche but it’s not; it’s the truth. If you feel that strongly about him and he feels that strongly about you, then there is definitely still something there. Exactly what that something is, I don’t know, it could be good or bad … but it’s there. If your heart is telling you to go after him, to not let him go yet, then you know what I say to that, right?"

Sleepily, I murmured the thing she’d told us girls since we were in diapers practically. "Follow your heart and you’ll never go wrong."

She squeezed me tightly, kissing me on the cheek. "You know you’re such a special girl, don’t you? My special girl … don’t you worry about a thing. I have a strong feeling that things will work out for you one way or another, with Justin or without him."

Her words gave me great comfort but they weren’t exactly what I wanted to hear. "Without Justin? I don’t want to be without Justin, Aurora," I protested.

Mysteriously, she only said, "Sometimes the people you think are the best for you can hurt you the most … whether that means they’re the right person for you or not is debatable. You and Justin seem to have the ability to hurt each other effortlessly, and equally. Is it good to give someone that much power over you?"

"But our love is the same way, too!" I tried to explain that it wasn’t all bad with us but she cut me off.

"I know that, Tara," she said, still smoothing my hair. "I just wonder about a love that is so strong it can turn into such feelings of anger. You know how they say it’s a thin line? You guys are the damn line as far as I can tell. So you follow your heart and listen carefully because your heart will not only tell you when things are good, it’ll tell you when things are bad, too. Okay, honey bunch?"

"Okay," I answered, yawning. All of the activity in the last fifteen or so minutes had left me exhausted – that and the fact that it was nearing 4 AM. We arranged ourselves on the sofa and began to drift off, me still in her embrace. "Aurora?"

"Yes. Honey?"

"Do you think he’ll call me back?" I really didn’t know. I really, really wasn’t sure what Justin felt about me anymore, everything was so mixed up and crazy.

But Aurora knew. "Oh yeah, he’ll call you back," she told me. "You guys aren’t finished with each other by a long-shot. Now shut up and go to sleep."

Any other time I would’ve pouted or kept talking just to annoy the person but I was tired. And I could get back to that safe place where I could daydream and didn’t have a broken heart.

I wish I’d paid more attention to what Aurora said, though, and us not being through with each other. If I’d known what I know now, I would’ve grilled her forever, hoping for some insight about the second maelstrom that Justin and I were about to encounter.
 

Chapter 3

The ringing of the cell phone pierced my sleep, jolting me wide-awake. I had no idea what time it was but I knew the rest of the house was snoozing away and I didn’t want to disturb them. I extricated myself from Aurora and crept up the back stairs of the house into Jen’s room, answering the phone as I did so. It wasn’t hard to figure out who could be calling at that hour.

"Hello?" I whispered, even though I was pretty much upstairs by then.

"Hey," he breathed. "Why you whispering?"

"Everyone’s asleep and I don’t want to wake anyone up," I told him as I crawled into Jen’s bed and got under the thick, down comforter. I liked talking to Justin while huddled underneath covers for some reason. It made things more private and I didn’t want anyone else to hear, not that they were conscious.

"Where you at? I called your house and nobody answered so I got worried ‘cause where would you be at 7 AM?"

"Oh," I laughed softly. "At Jen’s. Her mom made us come over for a girls’ slumber party to cleanse our spirits and if they heard I was talking to you…"

"They’d hang the phone up for you, right?" he chuckled.

"Well…" I said slowly, unsure how to tell him they’d wanted to tape a picture of him to a dartboard earlier.

"It’s okay, I deserve that, I know it," he said good-naturedly.

"What’re you doing up at 7 AM is a better question," I queried, liking how things were going so far. No screaming, no yelling, no blaming – just talking.

"True, true … we’re going to do some promo pics today and I was just thinking about you while they’re driving me over. I’m in New York but I got your message last night," he said noncommittally.

Oh shit! That message had been erased from my memory, I’d vowed to pretend that it never happened but of course it did and he probably had it saved to prove it. How did I deal with it?

"Umm, you did? We got a little drunk last night and … I don’t remember what I said but I’m sorry if I acted like an idiot," I tried to joke it off to no avail.

He was 100% serious. "You’re telling me you don’t remember what you said to me at all? Nothing? Because I took it very seriously."

"Umm … what did I say? Maybe if you tell me I’ll remember," I baited him, hoping he’d repeat it with it sounding less pathetic than what I remembered.

He basically repeated what I said verbatim and said, "You don’t remember any of that?"

I hemmed and hawed. "Some of it sounds familiar," I finally acquiesced and he started laughing. "What?

"T, you’re so full of shit! You know you remember every single word just like I do, baby. God, you drive me crazy. You’re insane, you know that?"

My heart jumped a beat. "I’m not admitting to anything, I "I began, "but maybe I do recall more than just a little. And I’m not full of shit, Justin. I was really upset last night, really hurt and missing you and wanting you. So I came clean about it just like you have the courage to do before. And now I guess both of our cards are on the table … so what’re we gonna do about it?"

I could hear the music in his car playing softly as he thought for a moment. "Be together. What the fuck do you think we’re going to be?"

I wanted to jump up and down, screaming with joy, but that wasn’t good protocol. That could come later. "You know we have things to work on … like how you talked to me and treated me…"

"

I know, baby. I was thinking about coming to visit you for, like, a week so we could just be together like before. What do you think? We could hash shit out and talk and just chill."
 

What did I think? Duh.

"When can you get here?" I asked excitedly, and he laughed at me. I could never hold my excitement in for too long.

"In about two days," he said. "Maybe earlier. I’ll check with Sonia and shit to find out our plans but from what I know we’re off for a few weeks and I want to spend them with you, trying to get back to what we were. I love you, baby," he whispered in my ear.

"I love you too, Justin.’ What else can you say to that?

"Aight. I’m here but I’ll call you later when you’re alone so we can really talk, okay baby?"

"Okay," I said, ever the good girlfriend. I was already slipping back into the role.

"Bye."

I clicked my phone shut and hugged it to my chest, wondering what the hell I was doing, welcoming him into my home. After the words he screamed at me, the bottles he’d smashed, the way he gripped my arms so hard that I had bruises for a week after? It seemed like some monstrous beast lived inside my former – or was it even former anymore? – boyfriend that became unleashed whenever he got what he didn’t want. Oh sure, I’d seem him throw temper tantrums on a daily basis and curse people out so bad they went running home to their mama, but nothing like the scene at his house. Mike told me he only gets like that about the people he loves and he’d never seen him behave like that over anyone except his brothers, dad and Lynn. I guess it’s a compliment in some weird way.

Nobody liked my decision, of course. But love conquers all, doesn’t it?

~*~

Everything about that visit reminded me of the first one. It even seemed to start out the same way, with him calling a million times a day to plan our days which consisted of "we ain’t doing shit, T." He wanted to lay around and eat and sleep and talk and watch TV, which was fine with me. I would’ve run a 10K if he wanted just to be near him. It was neat to feel like we were starting over but I had to remember it wasn’t the like last time he visited. And believe me, everyone kept reminding me of that. If he were ever going to behave like he did again, if I got a glimmer that he just might, then I needed t o stop in my tracks and leave him alone.

"What’re you doing?" Justin’s voice came through my telephone to where I was huddled beneath my covers. I practically had a little fort in there lately, in preparation for the marathon-long conversations we’d been having the past few days. He’d call as soon as all his work was done and we’d talked about everything and nothing for the past two nights. It was a wonder he got anything done, considering I kept him up all night and he worked all day but he managed. I just slept all day to catch up on what I’d missed but he somehow he struggled through. Sleep was big on his list to do when he got to my house.

I wriggled around, trying to get comfortable. "Trying to get these pants on straight," I told him. "They’re all twisted up and shit … I hate this!" And I did. As much as I loved to wear my beloved flannel pajama pants around the house, the minute I got into bed it was like they tried to strangle me.

"So take ‘em off," he suggested, chuckling a little – obviously anticipating my reaction.

"I don’t sleep naked, ‘Fro Boy’," I told him, knowing he wouldn’t care if I insulted him. We both knew I adored him so it didn’t count. "You know that, too … why are you wasting your breath? And if this is some kind of set up for when you come…" Things stopped being so funny right about then, " … you know I can’t do anything for a few weeks and even if I could, we have a long way to go before I—"

"Shhh, chill, baby," he interrupted soothingly. "I was only half-teasing when I shouldn’t have," he told me. "My point was I can picture what you have on and why can’t you just kick off the pants until you get up tomorrow? Nobody’s there and it’s more comfortable."

He had a point but there was a wicked little tone in his voice. "All the better for you to imagine me even more," I said smirking. He didn’t want to … he wasn’t going to ask me to…

"You ever do phone sex, baby?"

I knew it!

"No!" I yelled, mad that he confirmed my sleazy thoughts about him. "And I’m not going to start now, you got me?" Since the intimacy seemed to be gone, I flipped the comforter back and frowned at the ceiling. He had a way of ruining everything…

He laughed a soft laugh that turned me on slightly. "Babe, see how you are? I was gonna tell you that JC and I just finished working on a song about phone sex and I want to know what you think about it, the song. I’m bringing all of that stuff for you to listen to but the way we were talking seemed conducive to phone sex, so…"

See?

And then…

"I know we said we would talk about phone sex when I got there but baby," he said melodramatically, I might die before then! Do you know how long it’s been? I need a nut and I need one bad," he told me seriously.

For the fiftieth time.

Like he expected me to believe that he hadn’t relieved himself through groupies or something? Sure. But a little part of me wanted to believe he was saving himself for me no matter what common sense said to wake up and smell the coffee. But I pushed those awful thoughts to the back of my head because if he was with anyone I didn’t need to really know or see.

"Justin, you’re trying to tell me that you haven’t gotten any since we broke up?" In October?!" My voice was muffled as I tried to resume my previous position in my fort. "Puh-leaze," I said sarcastically, although I hoped and prayed he hadn’t. It just would’ve made me feel sad and inadequate but I wanted to know the truth no matter what. "The reason for this visit is to come clean about everything so … I’m gonna make sure you tell me the truth about everything, Justin. We’re gonna deal with Britney and what you did while we were apart, everything. No more secrets."

Surprisingly he didn’t say anything about the last part of my little speech, the part that was all about coming clean. He was interested in something else, which should’ve raised a red flag. "Would it matter if I did?" he replied mysteriously, making me wonder if he’d been getting busy after all. I thought about what to say for a minute or two.

"No," I said finally. "I guess not. Like, it wouldn’t matter if an old friend and me hooked up for some comfort, right? That’s the same thing." He knew exactly whom I was referring to, alright. He almost lost it right there, choking and sputtering as he tried to interrogate me.

Two can play at that game, and hey – I learned from the best.

So back and forth it went until it was the day he was due to arrive. Mike was renting a car so I didn’t have to go pick them up and I was on pins and needles, waiting for him to show up. Jen and Aurora were there, with Jen bitterly straightening the family room, the kitchen – anything to keep her busy and not thinking about Justin’s behavior. I wasn’t worried, though, because she was venting with her minor cleaning spree and would be nice to Justin when he arrived. Nice is just in her nature. Sash was at the dance studio or else she’d be there cursing him out. I thanked God for getting her involved in something else besides me. Between work and JC I barely saw her anymore and I missed her like crazy but for once her absences were okay.

Aurora had put up some plants for me to bring harmony to my house and some incense to burn to promote love. She’s so sweet but really ... it was just incense. One of them was an aphrodisiac, she told me with a wink, and warned me not to let it burn down more than halfway or she wouldn’t be responsible for our actions.

"Aurora!" I shrieked, unable to talk about it. She was kind, caring, giving, loving – all those things and more – but she was still my best friend's mother, for crying out loud! "Would you cut it out? You’re a mom, remember?" Eww. I loved her but eww.

Jen snorted. "Don’t waste your time, T … she loves lecturing to us about sex. Why do you think we all went away for school?"

I know for a fact that Aurora had to force Jen to go away to school, as well as her other kids because they loved her so much. She was wacky and off the wall but she was completely nurturing and Jen even hated leaving her for the week. That’s right, I said week – her school was maybe ninety minutes from our homes so she usually ended up coming home. All this to say Aurora wasn’t phased by Jen’s rotten words, knowing she was just being bratty.

"Sex is a fact of life as we’re all well-aware," she finished hanging up some fern that would remove all tainted spirits from the house or something weird like that. "Not that you’ll be doing anything close to that right now—"

"No," I blurted out, face still red. "This visit isn’t about that. We’re trying to figure out where things went wrong and … and reconnect. Not have sex all the time." Boy was I glad Sasha wasn’t around to hear this. She’d be making things even worse by making wretching sounds or something, I knew. "You know this isn’t about that … sex is the furthest thing from both of our minds," I explained to a still unbelieving little posse. Giving up, I threw my hands in the air and went to take a shower and try to find a casual outfit that wasn’t too casual and definitely not too jazzy before Justin came.

Sometimes I hate being a girl.

Anyway. You know he came when I was in the shower right? Which might have been a good time to give him a chance to be grilled by Aurora and growled at by Jen without having to see it. I heard his voice – well not his specifically, but it was a man’s rumbling voice and I just knew it was him – and jumped a foot in the air, then rushed to lotion up and put on some make up really quick. Justin isn’t big on makeup on me at all. He likes me clean, as he calls it, as if I would prefer to stink. Anyway. Makes me wonder how he stood being with Britney for so long. That girl practically shovels makeup on to her cracked face every day.

So. I’m done. Dressed in a soft, pink v-neck sweater – Justin loved pink on me -- ready to go see him and I gave my self one last look to make sure I didn’t have a tag sticking to my butt or something when someone knocked.

Oh Lord. It was too much for me. I was going to pass out. To prevent that, I sat down on my permanently unmade bed and sat on my hands like a little girl, hoping I could stay calm.

Calm? That flew out the window the second Justin walked through my bedroom door.

"Come in," I called out, hoping it was Aurora. But no, it was him, looking mouth-watering delicious in baggy jeans and a red sweatshirt.

"Hi," he said, flashing me a tentative smile, which I gave right back to him. "Hi … no blue?"

He looked at me, confused. "No blue? Huh?"

I pointed at his sweatshirt. "Your shirt. It’s not blue … did you finally run out?" Look, I was trying to break the ice. You come up with something better if you think you can, okay?

"Oh!" he laughed, and my heart leaped again in my chest. I wonder sometimes if I ever had mini-heart attacks around that boy, he made my heart act so crazy. "No, I still got a lot of ‘em ... this is just … I don’t know, something I threw on. I wanted … I was real pressed to get here fast so I put on any fucking thing, you know?"

Major heart thump again.

"Real pressed?" I asked, looking down at his immaculate sneakers. I wanted to go over and kiss them, I was so glad to see him. "How come?" As I watched his feet move closer and closer to me, my heart began to beat so fast I thought it would jump out of my chest. When he reached me I finally looked up at him, eyes wide.

"How come?" He knelt down so we were at eye level with one another. "Because I missed my girl … because I love my baby ... because I want my baby back. And I’ll do anything to get her, so … that’s why I’m pressed. And I ain’t ashamed to admit it either," he finished, eyes dark with seriousness.

I blushed and looked away from his gaze, not knowing what to say. I said before, whenever we were apart for more than a day or so I would get flustered and shy when I saw him again and this time was no different.

"T? Baby … look at me," he tilted hi head to try and catch my gaze and finally I looked at him. "Aren’t you glad to see me?"

I smiled at him. "J … are you kidding? Of course I am! I just … it feels weird after everything that happened … I should be mad and in a way I am but in a way it’s like … that person who threw things and acted so rotten wasn’t you. It was someone else, some other person … I dunno what I’m saying, Justin. I just can’t believe you’re here and we’re actually talking again and things are kind of getting good again because it’s exactly what I’ve been hoping for since argued and now you’re here and—"

"Some things never change," he muttered, referring to my incessant babbling, and I playfully hit him in the arm.

"Shut up," I told him, finally beginning to feel normal again.

He smiled again. "That’s my girl," he said proudly.

My girl.

I sighed inwardly at those words.

His girl.

His baby.

His.

"I met Aurora," he said suddenly, changing the subject abruptly. "She’s cool but different, man. She looks like Jen’s twin, not her Momma."

"I know, right?" I answered. "How’d that go?" The inspection, ha ha.

"Good," he remained crouched before me and I wanted to lean forward and rest my head on his shoulder next to that thick, wonderful neck. "With Aurora, I mean. Jen’s not my biggest fan anymore; she hardly said a word to me and rolled her eyes and everything. I never knew she could be like that."

I shook my head. "You’d be surprised at how mean all of us can get, Justin. Don’t sleep."

"I know about you and Sasha, just not Jen. I’ve seen your ghetto side," he reminded me and I blushed again. "What’s up with all this shyness, baby? It’s just you and me here … just us, okay? Nothing’s changed, T."

I looked at him in disbelief. "How can you say that? With everything that happened … everything’s different now."

He smiled and leaned over, brushing his lips against mine making shiver. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you still love me like you did before?"

"Of course!"

"Then nothing’s changed, T. Not really," he told me confidently.

"But there’s so much baggage now, Justin. So much crap we have to work on, like jealousy and anger and resentment and I think-—"

"I think we’ll work through it, baby, because we love each other. Simple as that," his hand went to the back of my neck and rubbed softly, making me shiver again.

"It’s really that easy?" I echoed, ever the pessimist.

"Easy as this," as his lips closed over mine and I forgot about everything and everyone but my Justin love.

The kiss was fleeting but it held so much promise that I felt giddy with excitement and I smiled at him, running my hand through his hair. "I missed this," I told him.

"And I missed this," he reached around and pulled my hair out of its braid to play with. "I love you, girl. We’ll fix what’s wrong and we’ll be okay. Right, T?"

We’ll be okay. How I loved when he said those words. "Right," I answered automatically, willing to agree with anything he said at that moment. Justin was my sun, moon and stars at that moment. "Did you come alone? How long can you stay?" I’d known he was coming for at least a few days but wasn’t sure when he had to leave.

He brushed his lips against mine again, making me sigh. "Mike brought me … he’s downstairs trying to decide if he should mack on Jen or her mom," and we both laughed.

"Aurora will have him wearing dashiki’s and growing an Afro like Chef from South Park," I told him and we laughed more. He pressed his forehead against mine, his expression growing serious now.

"I didn’t think …I never knew what it was like to miss someone so much, Tara," he said looking deep into my eyes. "I didn’t know what the fuck to do with myself so I drank and got fucked up and just did stupid shit -–not stupid shit like with fans or groupies," he reassured me, "but just acting nasty and shit. All because I missed you."

I kept stroking his hair. "I missed you, too. But you told me to leave and then you never called, so … I figured you were moving onto other things besides me. I thought you didn’t want me anymore." It sounds pitiful but it was true; he never called me or anything, I just assumed he wanted me to go away.

He looked shocked, which was sort of funny because it’s hard to shock someone as jaded as him. "Baby that night when I asked you to leave, I was just saying for that night, not forever. I figured we needed to cool down. Next thing I fucking know, you’re on an airplane and I never heard shit from you again. Can you see where I’m coming from? I never meant it’s over like forever, T, I meant it like for a night or something. I love you, girl. I can’t be without you, baby, so we’re gonna spend all this time working things out. I got five days to spend on you and that’s all I want to do, is be with you, kissing you and hugging you and squeezing you…" his hands slid under my butt and squeezed and I laughed but then got serious myself.

"Justin … you know I’m not ready to do anything … even if I could I think we should try to wait and just take—"

"Shhh," he whispered against my lips. "I know. And that’s not what I’m here for either, so don’t trip on that. Just be … you, baby. And we’ll be okay. Alright?"

We’ll be okay.

"Alright, Justin."

"I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

And all was right in my world again.

*~*

Downstairs I found Mike talking to Aurora and Jen, looking like he was in heaven since they looked so much alike. I was glad they were there in a way; even though I was glad to see him I felt weird with the abortion thing and all. But like Justin, he ignored all of that and swept me up into a huge bear hug, spinning me around.

"Baby girl!" he squeezed me tight and I squealed. I had grown to adore Mike, Jheri-curl and all. "How you feeling? I sure missed you. I ain’t have nobody to talk to with any sense for months!"

"Thanks a lot, man," Justin said wryly, but it was all in good fun.

"So everyone’s met, then?" I eyed Aurora to see what her first impression of Justin was and she gestured with her head towards the kitchen.

She started walking over there, saying, "Yep. I just want to show you this last plant I put over the sink because it’s a wild orchid and you have to be very careful with it. We’ll be right back." It was obvious what we were really going to talk about but I didn’t care. I was too anxious to hear what Aurora had to say.

In the kitchen she said, "Honey, he’s absolutely gorgeous! He doesn’t look so young in person, he looks like a man!"

"I know, right?" I laughed. One day I showed her a bunch of teen magazines when we were shopping and it was back when he was stiff sporting platinum hair and didn’t look quite so hot. The Justin in the other room was a far cry from the one in those magazines. "So?"

She sighed. "I like him," she told me. "I didn’t want to after he was so mean to you before but I like him and I get a good feeling about him. His eyes follow you wherever you go and he couldn’t wait to go upstairs to see you … it’s obvious to me that he’s in love."

I refrained from doing the running man in place to express my excitements, but her words made me ecstatic! Aurora’s almost always right about people and their character. She’s never liked Dave though, which is ironic.

Anyway.

"I just want you to be careful, sweetie," she advised kissing me on the forehead. "He leads a fast life and is still quite young. In fact, the only reason I can ignore his behavior before is because he’s so young, but he loves you. It’s like an elephant in the room with us, how much he cares. So just watch your back and call me everyday to give me the low down," she winked.

Aurora is crazy and I love her to death.

Just then Justin walked in and wrapped his arms around me. "I’m sorry, Miss Aurora, but I can’t be away from her this long yet. I missed her so much, he told her and I wanted to smack myself for being such a loser and grinning like a loser. I loved his corny lines when they were about me.

Aurora held up a hand. "Don’t you dare call me Miss anything! It’s Aurora."

"She means it," I told Justin seriously. "We would get in trouble when we were little if we called her anything else."

"That’s because you’re only as old as you feel and I’m too hot for somebody to be calling me Miss or Ma’am," she informed Justin and he cracked up. "Okay, we’ll leave you guys to talk. Right? Talk."

Talk about embarrassing. "Okay, bye, see ya, so long," I half-pushed her out of the door. Jen waved and said a somewhat surly good-bye to Justin who smiled as charmingly as he could.

It didn’t work.

Mike walked them outside and decided to take off right after they did – apparently there was some Happy Hour he could never miss if he was in town, Mr. Socialite. I wished I had half as much fun as he did, I swear.

So there we were alone in the empty house, standing there gazing at each other. "So…" he began, eyes twinkling.

"So…?" I returned, not knowing what to suggest for us to do.

He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans and ducked his head down to look at me through his long lashes, something he knew I adored. "Do I get to finish my kiss? I didn’t get a proper one, you know, before, when we were upstairs."

I shuffled my feet around, nervous again. "Umm … yeah, Justin! I mean … why am I feeling like this is our first date?" I asked. And I did feel like we were teenagers alone in a house while our parents were away for a few hours.

He moved closer to me, taking my hands into his. Mine were ice-cold and his were nice and warm. "I don’t know, baby. I guess I feel a little bit like that, too … but I still want my kiss. We always have make-up kisses and dances, too, T. Don’t you remember?"

That made me laugh. "Again with the one track mind, I swear! Besides … we haven’t exactly made up completely yet "

"That just a matter of time, us making up. I’m on a mission and hell yeah, you know I got a one-track mind, baby. It’s you," he said as he pulled me to him and gently pressed his mouth to mine, giving me several soft, closed-mouth kisses. When my lips finally parted he let out that growl that I adore so much and we began kissing in earnest, softly but deeply, holding each other tightly. After what seemed like hours we pulled away to catch our breath, although I think we could’ve kept going for a little while longer.

"I missed you so much," his hands traveled all over my face and through my hair, almost like he was making sure I was real. "I kept thinking about you all the time, I couldn’t stop so I was drinking fucking bottles of liquor everyday and even then I was thinking about you. Did you think about me?"

I nuzzled my nose against his. "You know I did … I heard you were drinking and I was so worried but I didn’t want to call because … well … we didn’t see eye to eye on … the problem or whatever … and I just didn’t know what the fuck to do. Being without you was like torture, Justin, everytime something happened I went to go call you and then I would remember that I couldn’t and it just sucked"

"You could’ve called me whenever you wanted, T. I would’ve been so happy if you called."

"How would I know that after what happened? I thought you wanted me gone so I left … I mean, what would you have done?"

Now he sighed. "I dunno. I guess what you did … I just want you back, T, I want us together and I’ll do whatever it takes. We got shit to work on, yeah, but everybody has crap like that. Remember you asked me that once?" About us having problems and shit? Just because something goes wrong doesn’t mean you say fuck it and throw away something incredible. You work on getting your shit together."

Something he said caught my attention. "Something incredible?" Was he talking about us? I needed to know…

"Hell yeah … what else would I be talking about? You’re my baby, my girl, and my love. Man, I missed my Tara love. You know what I wanna do right now?" He suddenly changed gears.

"Yes, but I told you I can’t—"

"No," he laughed and kissed me, "I wasn’t talking about that. I want you to change into your pajama bottoms and tops and I’ll put on sweats and I want to lie on the couch, watching movies and smooching. Are you down for that? I just wanna lay with my baby for a little while.

Who the heck is gonna argue with that?

Grabbing his numerous duffel bags, we lugged them upstairs and then were confronted with where he would sleep. Knowing us, I thought it might be better if he slept into the guestroom but he wasn’t having it. I didn’t really care; it was just a fleeting thought I’d had.

"Uh uh, T, no fucking way," he said emphatically when I went to open the guest room door. "I know you can have sex and shit but we’re not sleeping in rooms right next to each other. What kind of stupid idea is that? You know we’d end up in the same bed anyway.

Well. Can’t argue with that kind of logic. So we dumped his things in my room and he went about tossing a few things in the drawers I’d cleaned out for him months ago and we sort of stared at each other again, with that "what now?" expression.

"You gonna change?" he asked, already stripping off his jeans to pull on sweats and a T-shirt. I watched him as long as I could get away with it then went to get pajama pants and the little tanks I wore.

"You just want to lay around? Are you sure you don’t want to go out or something?" It was only like four in the afternoon; I didn’t want him to be bored.

"All I want honestly is to spend time with you. I don’t want to do anything except maybe eat later," he said frankly, slipping into a pair of sweatpants ten times too big for him. "So don’t sweat that … just change and I’ll meet you down stairs. I wanna pop some popcorn," he told me.

This was all so normal that it felt weird. "Umm … okay."

My now normal acting, no longer prima donna golden boy disappeared downstairs whistling "Baby Got Back". I stood there for a moment letting everything sink in then finally went to change. He really was trying. He really wanted me.

And God, did I want him, too, and not just in a platonic or snuggly way but my doctor had forbidden and sexual activity for three weeks, which was a good thing. We needed time to work on our relationship and we had a habit of letting sex sidetrack any problems we had. This way, we'’ have no choice but to talk things through because we couldn’t jump in bed and screw ourselves senseless.

Of course, that didn’t mean we couldn’t play around a bit -- wink, wink. But that was for another time.

He had already disappeared downstairs so I hurried and got dressed in my comfortable clothes and went downstairs barefoot to find him. He was just pulling the bag of popcorn out of the microwave. "You remember where everything is in here?" I wondered, amazed he found the popcorn.

‘Of course," he told me. Dumping it into a bowl. "C’mon, grab the Cokes and we’ll go in the other room. I followed him into the family room where we sprawled out on the couch, him lounging back and me settled between his legs; the remotes scattered around us. Nothing much was on so we started talking while we munched.

"How’re you feeling? Was the … think really hard to go through?" he asked tentatively, rubbing my stomach.

I sighed, hating having to think back to that day. "I fell okay now. I had cramps and stuff the first day and your hormones are all out of wack because your body hasn’t caught up with the fact that you’re not having a baby yet so I cried for, like, two days. Then I was okay. A little sad but okay,"

"What about the actual thing? I mean, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I just was curious…" his voice trailed off and I knew he was unsure how I’d respond. But I didn’t mind sharing it with him.

"There’s not much to tell," I explained. They knocked me out for the whole thing. You can get it done when you’re awake and it’s cheaper but it was just a couple of hundred bucks so I went for being put out to sleep. Sash took me and stayed with me until I was okay again." I didn’t tell him about the days of misery but I figured he could pretty much pick up on that.

"So you don’t know what they did?" Justin loves hearing about gross medical procedures and that kind of crap. You know, he’s the guy who sits and watches the Discovery Channel or those shows where people are have gross abnormalities removed from their bodies.

I shook my head impatiently. "No! And I wouldn’t want to know … could we please not talk about it anymore, Justin? It was awful and I don’t want to think about it. I want to be happy now that you’re here, okay? I don’t even want us to try to work anything out yet; I just want to chill like you said. Just relax and maybe tomorrow dive into all the issues we have to talk about. Can we do that please?

He looked disappointed about the medical stuff but was otherwise agreeable. "Okay baby. Sit back," he made me lay back down on his chest, "and let’s chill."

I couldn’t help it. "Let’s settle down…" I sang.

"That’s what I wanna dooooo…" we sang in unison, the old song by Guy called ‘Let’s Chill’.

"Hey Justin?"

"’Sup baby?" he asked over the mouthful of popcorn he was crunching on.

"If we get married can I play this as our first dance?" I joked; totally knowing I would rather fall on a sword than do something so ghetto.

"Hell yeah. You can come down the aisle to ‘Let’s Get Married’ by Jagged Edge, I’ll sing it and you can pimp. ‘Meet me at the altar in yo’ white dress … we ain’t getting no younger we might as well do this’ … that’ll work, he said joking with me.

We were both giggling, being silly and singing awful songs for weddings when the doorbell rang. I got up to get it but the door was unlocked do the person just knocked twice and came in.

"Hey T, I thought I’d drop by and see what…" Dave’s voice trailed off as he realized who was lying beneath me on my couch.

Didn’t this happen before, I kept thinking? And how did I get out of it last time without a nuclear war starting?

Justin stiffened beneath me and I sighed.

There went my perfect evening.

Chapter 4

If there was one person I never wanted to see at that moment, it was Dave. So naturally he breezed into the family room holding a couple of videos and a six pack of Coke, then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Justin and I laid up like an old married couple.

"Oh …shit, I’m sorry," he apologized, clearly confused as to how Justin had ended up essentially back in the same position he’d been in months earlier. "Hey, T. What’s up, man," he walked over to give Justin – a fuming, tense Justin – a pound.

For once though, I wasn’t worried and upset about what Justin was thinking – we were on a break, after all, as far as I was concerned. And nothing more than a hug and a kiss on the cheek had passed between us and never would as far as I was concerned. He surely couldn’t say the same thing, I found out much later.

"Hey Dave," I greeted him and went to get up only to be held captive by Justin’s arms around my waist so I ended up with my legs sticking up in the air along with my upper body but my waist was trapped and I couldn’t move. Justin is a nut, I swear. "Whatcha got for me today?"

I admit that was just to let Justin know that Dave’s visits were pretty regular. A little jealousy never hurt anybody, right?

"Oh," he looked down at his hands, confused. "I brought the 90210 tapes for us to watch, remember? And I knew you were out of Coke the other day, so … but I can come back later. I didn’t know you were visiting, dawg," he told Justin, not liking it one bit after all the heartache he knew I’d been through over Justin. Dave’s shoulder had been soaked with tears just like everyone else I knew and I’d been sworn by death from everyone to stay away from him after the debacle in Florida. We especially didn’t want Sasha’s dad to know Justin was coming. He’d drag me to their house by my hair and lock me away. He hated Justin, especially after the baby thing. Not that he didn’t already, that just put the icing on the cake.

I had wanted to keep it quiet but I was so close with my friends’ parents that it was only a matter of time before they found out what was going on. Me, Sasha and Jen never kept secrets from Aurora and Sash’s mom was just plain nosy – like mother, like daughter. But they were all supportive, thank God, and we kept it pretty quiet and low-key to save me any embarrassment.

"Hey," Justin practically spat at Dave, making me giggle again. I got such a kick out of him when he was being a brat, I swear. I loved it, his spoiled, obnoxious side. "I just got into town and we’re catching up." His intention was clear – leave immediately.

I’m such a horrible friend. I should’ve stood up for him but I wanted alone time with J too. He’d just gotten there and I didn’t feel like playing nice with Dave, who I saw almost every day. "I thought I told you," I said, wrinkling my forehead. "In fact, I’m pretty sure—"

Dave interrupted me, which just added to the conspiracy theory I was sure Justin was creating in his head. "Hey, my bad. I’ll just drop this stuff off and call you later in the week."

Other than trying to cleave my body in two with his arm, Justin was a little too calm for my benefit. Hmph. He didn’t even say goodbye – no surprise – while all I could do was weakly wave from my trapped position.

And then he had the nerve to be mad about something other than what I thought it would be. "T?"

"Huh?" I was prying his arms loose and trying to breathe properly again.

"He calls you T? I thought I called you that. How could you let him call him my name for you, Tara? That’s like … fucking … blasphemous or something. How could you?" He sounded truly hurt.

I mean really, people. The drama, the drama.

"Justin." Stay calm, stay calm.

What?" Now he was snippy.

Turning to see his pouting face, I kissed him once. "T has been my nickname since grade school," I informed him, to his dismay.

"Nobody else calls you that. I never, not one time, heard Jen or Sasha call you that," he pointed out, still pouting.

I shrugged. "It’s not, like, what they call me all the time," I explained. "Just sometimes. It’s not a big deal, Justin, doesn’t Twitney call you J, too?"

I got my usual answer when he was trying to deflect blame. "That’s not the point! The point is that he did that shit on purpose to put it out there that y’all have been hanging out or whatever, which I don’t like, by the way. I told you a long time ago he was gonna try to swoop in when I wasn’t around and be the savior or some shit like that and look. See? See, T? Shit, now I gotta think of something else to call you besides that because it reminds me of his pale ass."

Pale ass? I hid a smile at him calling someone else pale.

"Baby, please let it go. Nothing changed; we’re not together and never will be," I tried to soothe him by rubbing his arms.

"Then why’s his ass rolling up in here without a key? Why’s he all "I brought video’s for us’," he said in a snarky voice that made me laugh hysterically.

"Justin?"

"What." Man, what a pouter when he wanted to be.

"I love you."

"You fucking better."

"Say what?" I leaned back to get a better look at him. "Boy…"

"I ain’t wasting time loving you and needing you and having to worry about that punk up in your face. I thought we decided he wasn’t gonna be around anymore, T?" he whined, forgetting about not using my so-called nickname.

"Well … that was before … everything. When I got back here I needed a friend," I said frankly. "And he was and is one. A good one, and sure, I can understand you not liking him around a lot but he’s still gonna be my friend. Or can you say that you haven’t spoken to Britney at all while we were apart."

Silence. Which was all I needed to know.

"When?"

Shifting around, he was oh-so-guilty. "Yeah. Uh, at her birthday party."

"You went to her birthday party?!" I screeched, unable to comprehend what he just said.

"Well you were mad at me and the whole group went and it’s a record company thing so I had to go…" he finished lamely, tables turned completely around now. I couldn’t believe he neglected to mention this all this time, during all of our phone conversations.

"You had to go? What’d you get her as a gift? Did you get her something from Tiffany’s, too?" Oh man, my jealousy streak was rearing its’ ugly head and I do mean ugly.

"No! I sent Mike or somebody to get her some crap … I stayed for a couple of hours, got even more drunk and slunk back to my hotel room to moon over you some more. As a matter of fact, that’s the night I got your phone message," he let me know. Was that supposed to make me feel better or something?

"Great. You’re partying with America’s Teen Queen and I’m wailing and moaning into your voice mail. I feel so much better now, Justin."

"T…" he moved around more so he was half-sitting up and facing me, "that message was the best thing I ever heard, I swear. It let me know you hadn’t dumped me and that I still had a chance and maybe that doesn’t sound like much to you but it meant the fucking world to me, okay? Britney or now fucking Britney. You hear me?" He tilted my chin up so I was looking at him instead of the front of his sweatshirt.

"I hear you," I said in a small voice.

"You believe me?"

"I believe you," I said, just as quietly. "But…"

"But what?"

"Promise me something, Justin, okay?" I had promised never to ask him if he got together with Britney again so I couldn’t ask him that but I found my way around that.

He smiled at me. "Ask away."

"Did you do anything to be … sorry for? To make me sorry, either?"

He thought my words over very carefully before shaking his head no. At the time, my heart relaxed and I hugged him so tightly I thought his head might pop off. All I needed was confirmation from him and everything was fine.

What a dummy I was.

All this back and forth arguing and lovey dovey stuff was making me tired. No wonder Justin and I slept so much when we were together. "Okay. Can we take a nap then? And maybe get a late dinner? I’m tired with all this drama shit floating around," I said, yawning.

He agreed and we trekked upstairs, me riding piggyback. I loved how strong he was, even with my big ass-riding shotgun. When we got in the room he dumped me on the bed per his usual custom and looked around.

"Something’s different," he announced, still scrutinizing the room.

"It’s the bed," I told him, pulling off my pants and socks while he got completely naked. Ah, what a sight for sore eyes. "I bought a new bed." And waited.

He checked it out. It was all white with an eyelet down comforter and tons of pillows.

"This … this is a Heavenly Bed!" he exclaimed. "Isn’t it?" He bounced up and down on it a few times to make sure. "Yep. I’d know these anywhere. How the hell did you buy one of these?"

I explained how in Florida I refused to leave the bed until it was time to go and how Sasha had fallen in love with them too and inquired if you could buy them. So when she did, I did, too and it had arrived a few weeks ago. Cost a fucking arm and a leg but man was it worth it.

"And it reminded me of you," I finished sadly, " so I really wanted one."

He leaned over and kissed me. "You have the real thing now, baby and you’’ re gonna have the real thing from now on. You don’t need this. But it is nice."

"I … was thinking…" I began tentatively, "about moving into the master bedroom now. If you’re going to spend dome time here and I’m going to keep living here … maybe I should start packing things up, you know?"

"I can help you with that – if that’s what you really want," he offered. "But think about it some more. Talk to Aurora. She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders."

"She thinks it’s time for me to move on," I said as he climbed under the covers with me and pulled my body against his. We both exhaled at how good it felt. "She says it’s been a year and now I need to make the house my own like they’d want."

He yawned sleepily. "Then we’ll start whenever you want. Maybe get pizza tonight and start going through easy things, get movers to move the furniture … I’ll make it okay."

"Okay, Justin."

"I love you, Tara."

"Would you quit with the Tara? You can call me T, you idiot."

"Don’t feel right. Maybe I’ll call you W for Wallace," he said and I punched him in the gut. Not that it hurt any. "Okay, okay. How about baby?"

"That I can deal with," I said, snuggling into his embrace and sniffing his cologne, wishing we could get busy. But we had weeks before anything like that could happen. "Love you, too."

"You love me enough to give me some lovin’?" he questioned, half-joking but I could feel his erection poking through the shorts he wore. Reaching down, I stroked the length of him lightly and watched him close his eyes in pleasure.

"I’ll give you a certain kind of lovin’," I answered and went to slide down when once again he stopped me. Why did I even bother half of the time?

He bristled. "No, T, I don’t want that. You know I was just kidding … holding you is enough."

"Liar."

"Can you shut up now so we can sleep?"

"Let me touch you, c'mon," I slipped my hand underneath the waistband of his shorts and took him in my hand. He was burning hot, with taut skin and I could feel him pulsing in my hand. "How about this, hmm?" I kissed him softly, licking his lips with my tongue. "Is this okay? Can I touch you like this?"

He didn’t answer because his eyes were rolled in the back of his head but his hands went to my breasts and began squeezing so I supposed he liked it. I kept up with the hand and lip motions until he shuddered and climaxed into my hand.

After we’d cleaned up and gotten back into bed for a real nap this time, "I told him I’d never done that before. He couldn’t believe it.

"That loser Dave didn’t try to make you jerk him off?" he asked in disbelief.

Actually Dave had tried but my hand would always cramp and I would stop. I guessed Justin was just really horny that day because it didn’t take any time at all to get him off. "Yeah but I never actually did. It’s not that bad, actually, now that I’ve done it," I told him. "Except for the end, you know," I blushed. You all out there know it’s pretty gross, too.

Justin looked very pleased with himself and I asked him why. He said, "I’m glad to be your first something, T. I wish I could’ve been your first kiss, the first person you made out with, the first person to make love to you … but I can settle for this I guess."

I loved him so much. "If you weren’t the first, can you settle for being the best? Because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and that’s ten times better than missing out on some awkward first kiss," I told him.

He beamed. "Baby girl!"

"What?" I laughed, he was so silly.

"I loved-ed you girl!" And he hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe then kissed me until he took the rest of my breath away.

Just like he always does.

Chapter 5
  
 

The next few days passed uneventfully – that is, uneventfully for being with someone like Justin. True to his word, we started packing things up here and there in my parents’ room, something that was really hard for me. Having him with me took the edge off because he kept me so busy by asking questions about everything under the sun that I almost forgot to mope.
 
 

We also spent time at Aurora’s house where she gave him a massage and told him she cold smell the alcohol in his system and it had to have been enough to kill a horse. I think they both really liked each other, not that it helped with Jen. She was still nice to Justin but wary, and under the circumstances who could blame her? But Jen also came over and helped with the moving which made things a lot easier since she knew where just about everything went. Mike came and did alot but you know him – he had places to go and people to see so he wasn’t around too much. Movers came to move the beds around and the Salvation Army came to take my parents clothing and things away that I didn't want anymore. I kept most of Mommy’s clothes because she had great taste but I didn’t know what to do with Dad’s stuff. All the activity sort of gave us time to put off having ‘the talk’ but I knew it would probably come up soon, if not that night then definitely the next.
 
 

On the end of the second day I ordered a ton of pizzas and we got beer and liquor and me, Jen and Justin sat around talking all night long. It would be the first night we slept in my parent’s room – or rather, my room, now – and Justin asked me if I would be okay with it. I thought it over while I drank more of my mudslide.
 
 

I shrugged. “I think so,” I answered, swallowing. “I’m not nervous or having nightmares about it. It’s almost like it’s just another room now, you know?”
 
 

Jen gave me a skeptical look. “Just another room? T, don’t try to bullshit me, okay?”
 
 

A-ha! “See, Justin! See?”
 
 

He looked at me like I was crazy. “See what?”
 
 

“She called me T! I told you other people call me that besides you.” I explained to Jen what happened with Dave the other day and she laughed.
 
 

“Sorry, Justin. It’s been her nickname since … well, since forever. We don’t use them anymore but we have a bunch of nicknames for each other and yeah we do call her T, all of us from the guys to even some people we went to school with.”
 
 

He frowned. “The guys,” he muttered with and evil expression on his face.
 
 

Jen grabbed another slice of pizza. “What’s wrong with the guys? What did they do to you?”
 
 

I mouthed jealous to her and Justin saw me and threw a pepperoni slice at me. "If you saw me hanging out watching weekly television shows with Britney all the time you’d be pissed too, T. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way, I’m telling you. I bet he was the first to jump on the bandwagon to tell you to never speak to me again, wasn’t he?”
 
 

Well. What could I say there? Dave ranted almost as bad as Justin did about staying away from him so I couldn’t lie. So I just sort of sat there and Jen answered for me.
 
 

“Dave’s a friend, there’s nothing going on romantically with him. Eww!” she shuddered and I knew how she felt. Don’t get me wrong, our guy friend were all really cute and had tons to offer a girl but after knowing them for so long you just see them as them, not some hot guy. Dave might as well have been JJ for all the romantic feelings I had for him. But Jen wasn’t done. “You really did him dirty the other night though, Tara. I talked to him today and he was furious with you.”
 
 

I was shocked. “What? Why? What’d I do?
 
 

Justin felt differently about the subject. “Who gives a damn? Let him stay mad and stay away and—“
 
 

“Shut up, Justin,” I told him, wanting to get to the bottom of this. "What’s he mad at me for? I didn’t do anything to him; I haven’t even seen him since he came by that one day.”
 
 

She nodded. “He said you acted really funny and practically kicked him out of the house. I think he was upset that Justin was back or something … he said you were all wrapped up around each other and you barely paid attention to him.”
 
 

“As it should be,” Justin tossed in and I kicked him to shut him up.
 
 

“Jen, Dave is full of shit. He knew Justin was coming, I told him so, and he came by anyway. Justin had just gotten there and we were in the middle of this big talk when Dave let himself in and sort of interrupted us. I’m not dissing him as a friend but he knew Justin was coming. Sometimes I think he does this stuff on purpose,” I ranted, angry a how tried to flip the situation to make himself seem like the put upon, poor suitor.
 
 

“He didn’t mention that,” Jen said, shaking her head. “I wish he would just let you go.”
 
 

Justin perked up. “Let her go? What do you mean?”
 
 

I wanted to hit Jen over the head with a Coke can when she said that. The last thing I wanted was Justin thinking Dave was still trying to lay his mack down whenever he could and she went and blew it for me. That’s the problem when you have a friend who isn’t a big liar. Sasha would’ve lied until the cows came home but Jen always puts it right out there and unless you make her swear on a Bible or something and even then she hates lying. So of course she told Justin about how Dave still considers us to be the perfect couple and wants me back and worked on it constantly.
 
 

Thanks a lot, Jen.
 
 

But instead of turning purple and ranting, Justin just shook his head in that ‘I told you so’ way that everyone on earth hates. “Well … sucks for him, don’t it,” he said with a big grin. “’Cause girlie right here is mine, all mine. He can forget it.
 
 

“You mean to tell me you worked out all your problems in two days?” Jen asked, making lots of sense. “Impossible. No way.”
 
 

I sighed. “No, not everything but we talked about important stuff and we both think we can do this. Right, J?”
 
 

“We know we can do it,” he said over a mouthful of pizza. ‘I’m going to try to be more considerate and not act like a Neanderthal, Jen, I promise.”
 
 

She laughed, a good sign. She was warming back up to him. “Did Tara call you a Neanderthal?”
 
 

“How’d you know?”
 
 

“She uses that word when it comes to you a lot,” she joked, and he tossed a throw pillow at her head.
 
 

All in all it was a fun night. I missed Sasha but thought maybe it was better that she wasn’t there to be evil and argue. She’d been spending a ton of time at the dance studio so I’d only spoken other sporadically instead of fifteen times a day like I used to.
 
 

Justin, as expected, hated the idea of the studio simply because I’d committed time to it and it would take away from my time with him. When Jen left he brought that back up as we filled the garbage can with pizza crusts, beer bottles, wine coolers and some vodka
 
 

“I still don’t see why you’re working for her,” he complained. “It’s not even like you’re gonna get paid, you’re just gonna get bossed around by her all the fucking time like always.
 
 

I shook my head and sighed. It was getting too late for all this bullshit. “Because I want to do something, J, not just follow you around constantly.”
 
 

“What’s wrong with doing that? You love being with me, don’t you?”
 
 

And I consoled yet again. “You know I do! I just think it’s something fun to do that I’ve loved doing since I was a kid. And I’m not one of her teachers; I’m just helping Sash so I can come and go as I please.” Finished cleaning, I let him take the trash outside while I turned everything off in the family room. I assumed we’d go upstairs but he had a different idea in mind.
 
 

“T … I need to talk to you,” he said seriously and right away I got serious, too. He never looked like that.
 
 

Sitting down on the couch, I waited for some horrible ball to drop. Justin paced back and forth while I waited.
 
 

And waited.
 
 

And waited.
 
 

“Justin?”
 
 

“Hmm?”
 
 

“I’m waiting here, you gonna tell me or…?” I was nervous myself from the way he was behaving. Shit or get off the pot, as my mom used to say. “Get it over with, sweetie, I’m tired.”
 
 

He came and knelt down beside me – not in that marriage style way, thank God or I would’ve died – and stared at me, still serious. It reminded me of when he told me I was pregnant and I had an awful flashback. “Justin, I’m not pregnant so what could be wrong?”
 
 

“You love me right?”
 
 

I sighed. “Yes. Now what?”
 
 

“You know I would never do anything to try and hurt your feelings too, don’t you?”
 
 

I didn’t even both answering, I just glared. Then I said it one last time. “If you don’t tell me whatever’s bothering you, I’m going upstairs right now!” That should get him moving.
 
 

He sighed, rubbed his nose, shifted his eyes around and I was getting really worried until finally he blurted out, “Umm … I have something to tell you.”
 
 

Duh.
 
 

“You’re probably not gonna like it … umm … I mean … How much money do you have? Like, for the rest of your life? Your trust?”
 
 

That was the huge thing? That was what he was pacing around about? I heaved a sigh of relief. “I don’t know exact figures but it’s a lot,” I said honestly. “I’m no millionaire but I’m pretty much set for what I need to maintain my lifestyle. Sasha’s dad takes care of that stuff with my accountant for me.” Then I thought about it. “Why, do you need some? I can loan you some if—“
 
 

“No, no,” he cut me off. “I just … I’ve been worried about you so much the past few weeks and I wanted to make sure you’re financially secure. Like when you travel with me you need money and that kind of shit so I was thinking you should get like a per diem for stuff like that. Like, money.” But the way he said it sounded about as phony as me pretending to like video games.
 
 

First of all he knew I would never take his money and second of all that didn’t flow with how worried he looked and I told him so but he insisted it was only the money that he was worried about. He was looking ahead to the tour when I’d (in his eyes) be traveling with him everyday. I guess Bobbee and others got so much money per day, a per diem, to have funds and he wanted me to have it too.
 
 

No freaking way, I wanted to say, but instead I told him we’d talk about it when we went to bed.
 
 

When we were in bed I brought up Dave. “You know, Justin, I think you’re right about him.” He practically got out of bed and did a victory lap.
 
 

“Why? What made you change your mind?” he pulled me closer so that my head lay on his chest.
 
 

I shrugged as usual. “He knew you were coming and I think he came by to aggravate the situation today. Just didn’t make any sense, him coming by and not knocking. He does come by, I mean, we spent every Wednesday watching 90210 together” Justin grumbled to himself at that “but he doesn’t come by after that. I think he was trying to stake some claim. You guys are insane, “I finished, shaking my head.
 
 

“Told you. Didn’t I tell you? I knew that’s what his plan was? Wasn’t he the perfect person to call and cry on his shoulder? Right, T? I can call you T again since Jen said everyone else does,” he informed me so kindly. Like I was going to thank him or something.
 
 

“You were right and I was wrong,” I admitted, grinding my teeth.
 
 

“Thanks,” he said brightly, all happy that I had to laugh at him.
 
 

“You’re so silly, Justin. I only love you, I wish you knew that.”
 
 

“Well I got another look at Dave and from what he was wearing I hope you got better taste than to go out with some dude dressing like that…” blah blah blah
 
 

He was right and I felt bad for coming down on him so hard before about Britney. Neither of us controls who liked us and found us attractive. The important thing is we were being faithful to one another. And we were, so things were perfect.
 
 

"Yeah, right.”

Chapter 6

"Would you please both shut the hell up!" I yelled in my family room. Sasha was over for the day and both Justin and her had promised to be on their best behavior for me -- or tried to anyway, before WWXXVIII broke out between them.

My only happiness is that some unspoken agreement between the two of them was not to argue about the baby. Looking back though, I don’t know why I was so worried; they can find anything to argue about. And they did. I wasn’t even sure what the topic was because I tuned them out as I looked over some swabs Sash had for me to check out for redecorating the studio. But when the voices got too loud I’d had enough.

"She started this shit. I was just saying—"

"Oh, nobody gives a good goddamn what you were saying—"

"Oww!" I yelled and held my head with both hands "Shit! Now I have a fucking headache because you wouldn’t stop screaming. Thanks a lot, guys."

Justin was immediately on his feet, apologetic. "Are you okay? You want some Tylenol? Hang on baby, I’ll---" But Sash was already on her feet to get it for me which pissed him off even further. "Girl, you know you heard me when I said I would get it," he grumbled, but she ignored him and came back with a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol, which I helped myself to.

Those two were driving me nuts. Justin was on a mission to get her to divulge her feelings about JC to him. Fat chance, right? But he kept dropping hints and making all kinds of outspoken remarks and she wouldn’t tell him anything so he kept at it more and more. I felt bad for him because once Sash put something in the vault, it stayed there.

"Why the fuck are you all up in my shit? Don’t you have more ass kissing to do? Tara, I think you should make him kiss some more ass," she smirked and fumed at her.

"Enough, y’all, I mean it. I’m trying to make the headache go away so I can concentrate, alright?" I interrupted. Sasha and I were going over ideas for the dance studio, an idea that Justin didn’t like one bit. When I told him about it the first think he said was "When was I gonna spend time with [him]?" of course. But I was determined to not make him my world as much as before. I’d visit him a lot, probably be on his tour a lot too, but I needed interests of my own.

Anyway. They finally shut up and Justin went back to reading some self-help book he picked up. I loved when he read. He would get really relaxed and have this intent look of concentration on his face, licking or biting his lips occasionally. In a strange way it reminded me of how he looked when we made love. But I digress. He was reading and Sash and I finished our work so we started flipping through the latest magazines.

I’m a magazine addict. I subscribe to about ten and buy tabloids and anything else that catches my eye, too. I don’t always get the tabloids but it just so happened that week that something looked interesting in the Enquirer so I tossed it in the cart. Sasha was going through that when she sort of froze. She didn’t do it in an obvious way but I felt her tense up and so I looked to see what was wrong with her. She was staring at the paper, looking pissed. Right away I figured that JC was in there with Bobbee or something, or maybe they'd dissed Ricky Martin so I leaned over to look.

Then I went still, too.

Because right there on the page was my boyfriend drunk off his ass and completely wrapped a barely dressed Britney Spears at her birthday party. I mean totally wrapped around her like he does with me. That was our thing, where he would bend over and put his head on my shoulder and wrap his arms around my waist, and I couldn’t believe he played me in front of all of America like that.

First I wanted to cry, and then I just got pissed. Furious pissed where you’re all still and quiet. Sasha asked in a quiet voice, "Did you know about this? Please tell me you didn’t know about this and that’s why you still have his ass up in your crib. Please."

I shook my head and glanced over at Justin who was oblivious to the entire world. Fucker. "He told me he went, that the whole group went. That’s it. He didn’t mention the lover’s embrace or the lingerie he got her," I added as I read the blurb that went along with the photo.

We sat there for a few minutes, both of us staring at the picture and breathing hard. I knew Sasha wanted to go over and twist his balls – literally – but I needed to do this myself. "Sasha?"

"Hmm?"

"Maybe you should go for a bit. I think Justin and I need to talk," I said in a louder voice so he would hear. It worked because he looked up from the book, trying to look innocent as a baby.

"We do?" he asked, confused. Neither of us bothered to answer him.

Sasha started gathering her things and I helped. "Call me later tonight, girl, okay? And I’ll see what I can find out … you stupid motherfucker," she sang as she started out of room.

Justin was still bewildered. "What’d I do? I’m just sitting here, reading this book! Tara, what the fuck?"

I threw the magazine at his head and kept cleaning up while he flipped through the pages, trying to see what got me so pissed. It took his slow ass forever; he kept whining and asking for help while I ignored him. He was still looking when I went into the kitchen and began putting some leftover dishes from our dinner in the dishwasher. After a few minutes he came shuffling in, looking pitiful but obstinate. He’s the only person I know that can do both of those looks at the same time.

"T, this is completely not what it looks like, I swear," he tried to grab my hand but I pulled away.

"No? Because it looks really funny to me, Justin. It looks really weird to see your boyfriend, the man who professes his love for you constantly and his annoyance with his ex-girlfriend to be in some tight embrace with her at a glitzy party where photographers were. That doesn’t seem weird to you? I bet it would if the shoe was on the other foot!" I clanged the last of the dishes I was loading into the washer, slammed it shut and turned to face him. "So tell me what it was, then, so I’ll know next time."

"We all got at the party at the same time, the whole group and they took pictures of all of us hugging her, I don’t know why they picked mine to run. It’s not my fault, baby! Everyone else hugged her and I had to and that’s all it was. A hug. I have more intimate contact with my fans, for fucking crying out loud. Shit, now you got me using your phrases. Baby, nothing happened. It was all for fucking show and you know what they make us do."

When I continued to ignore him he said, "Baby, I had to fucking record "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" because of the record company and management, okay? We’re all fucking puppets and sometimes we just gotta do that shit. I don’t like it but that’s the way it is. I have to do things I don’t like and that’s just … how it always is."

That wasn’t enough for me. "So you had to wrap yourself around her like you’re a fucking anaconda? What was that about? Explain that that to me and maybe I’ll see your side of things but somehow I don’t think so." Crossing my arms, I waited to see what he’d come up with this time.

Looking uncomfortable, he shrugged. "I was drunk, Tara." Tara, not T. Always a tip off sign that something wasn’t kosher. "I fell onto her if I remember right and she was holding me up. I wasn’t hugging her like I hold you, baby. I don’t hold anybody like that."

Part of me inside melted at those words but I still wasn’t sure. Too much water had passed underneath the Britney Spears Bridge for me to give up so easily. "Do you swear? Do you swear to me nothing else happened at that party? Did you kiss her or anything? Even if it’s gonna upset me just get it over with and tell me, okay, to make it easier for yourself because if you lie to me…" I let the words trail off so that they sounded ominous

He sighed tiredly, leaning against the counter. "No … I didn’t kiss her or anything at the party," he told me, looking at me directly in the eye. "I didn’t do anything. T, I’m so tired of this drama—"

"Don’t blame me for this shit," I began, only to be cut off by him.

"I’m not blaming you for anything," he rubbed his forehead like he had a headache and I wanted to tell him that he wasn’t the only one. "I’m just want us to get past everybody else and everything else and be happy, baby. I’m sick of hearing her fucking name, I’m sick of hearing Dave’s fucking name. Can’t we just get back to being us?"

His expression was so open and honest, his words so heartfelt that I almost forgot what we were arguing about in the first place. "That’s what I want too, Justin, but it seems like everytime I turn around I see something about you and her again—"

"But you know those are lies! They have me on some fucking beach somewhere with her when you know damn well the two of us were together, like, on that very same date!"

I sighed now, rubbing my own forehead. "I know, I know … it just makes everything so hard to hear rumors like that. This is all new to me and I don’t know how to take it, you know? In a normal world, if you hear rumors like this about your boyfriend … you break up with them or something … I’m just not used to any of this even after all of these months. This is really hard," I could feel the lump in my throat growing larger and tears started to well up in my eyes, which was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be strong, not some whiny little brat but I was so confused over everything that had to do with being with him.

Sometimes it even made me wonder if it was worth it, but then he would do something like pull me close to him and hold me tight, murmuring sweet things to me to reassure me of his love for me. That’s exactly what he did at that moment and somehow when my face settled into the curve of his neck and his arms wound around me, somehow I knew then that all the shit that went along with being his girlfriend was worth it.

"So you love me, Justin?" I asked, truly acting like a big baby. I was feeling insecure and needed him to make me feel more secure in my position with him. "Do you really love me, after the whole baby thing and everything?"

He squeezed me tighter, then pulled back to look me in the face. "T, I love you so much … I love you more than I ever even thought I could love somebody … it scares me sometimes, how attached I am to you now. When we weren’t talking or whatever I was flipping the fuck out wondering if I was ever gonna see you again. I told Momma that I was—"

"Momma? You told Lynn?" I wailed, not able to believe he told his mom about the baby. How could I ever look at her in the face again? "Justin, now I can never be around her again, you know that, right? And I’m not being dramatic, either; I couldn't look her in the eye knowing that she knows. Justin, that was private. You told Chris, Dani, Sasha, JC … but did you have to tell your mom, too?"

He rubbed my back, trying to make me feel better. "I guess maybe that wasn’t what most people would do but … she was the only person I had that I knew wouldn’t tell anyone." He paused for a long moment. "She was the only person I could cry to, T. You have Jen and Sasha and Aurora but I can’t let people seeing me bawling like a fucking baby. If I couldn’t have you, I had to turn to her," he told me.

"You cried?" I asked, surprised although I shouldn’t have been – Justin’s probably more sensitive than I am.

"Every night," his voice was muffled from where it was buried in my hair. "Cried myself to sleep after I drank myself until I was sick."

Aww. Now I was comforting him, hugging him and rubbing his back. "You did that because of me?" No matter how much he told me, I was always a teeny tiny bit unsure about how strong his feelings were for me.

He pulled away again even further this time. "Tara. I love you. Why won’t you get that through your head? You’re the only person I want to be with … anyone else would be just a substitute."

I pulled him back to me and kissed him softly. Those words were exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. "I love you, too," I told him as we stood there embracing each other in my kitchen surrounded by dirty dishes and oblivious to it all. All that mattered was me and him and the fact that we were back together.

But I was so naïve. If only I’d asked him the questions about Britney differently. I always gave him just enough leeway, just enough room to answer me and not lie. Sure, he didn’t do anything at the party – it was after the party that he betrayed me.

And it wasn’t the only time, either.

Chapter 7

"You think you got enough shit yet? Jeez!" Justin grumbled as he pushed our shopping cart.

We were at Nordstrom’s at White Flint mall doing some Christmas shopping. As you can guess from my enthusiasm for Halloween, I love holidays and Christmas was no exception. I followed my mom’s tradition and decorated every spare inch of the house that I could get away with and Justin was getting tired of me dragging him from store to store while I picked up even more decorations and presents for everyone I knew.

I tried to appease him. "I’m almost done," I said sweetly while perusing the perfume counter. "I’m trying to remember what kind of perfume Aurora said she liked … I have to get that exact one because normally she only wears those special Egyptian oils, you know?"

"Well, call and ask Jen or something so we can go," he whispered, all nervous. "I think people are starting to notice me."

I rolled my eyes. "No one’s paying any attention to us, Justin," I said exasperatedly. He did that everytime we went out. "You’re just being overly paranoid."

But I was wrong, because just then I noticed three teenage girls staring at us from across the counter. Great. They looked about sixteen and were practically foaming at the mouth at the sight of Justin. All I could do was act normal and hope they wouldn’t approach us, that they would give us some semblance of privacy.

Again, I was wrong.

"Umm … Justin?" one asked, nervously twirling a lock of hair around her finger as she chomped on her gum.

"What?" he asked shortly, obviously not in the mood for talking to fans. Then he whispered to me, "See? I told you!" Then he turned back in their direction. "Sorry, I mean hi. Hi."

"Ohmigod!" They all shrieked, practically in unison and scrambled around the counter to get closer to him. "What’re you doing here in Maryland? Is the whole group here? I can’t believe you’re here? Can we get an autograph and a picture?"

From out of nowhere they whipped out a camera – did they just happen to carry them with them everywhere or what? – and several ‘N Sync CD’s, making me think that they’d been following us for awhile. My suspicions were soon confirmed.

"We’ve, like, been following you forever!" Another one exclaimed as she handed over a Sharpie magic marker and the CD to be signed. "But we couldn’t figure out if it was you because you’re, like, by yourself or whatever."

What the hell was I? Chopped liver?

Justin sighed and just kept signing. "Yeah it’s me, I’m on a mini-vacation here," is all he offered. Though aggressive fans got on his nerves, I’d never seen him seen him act so rudely. In his defense, though, for once I could sort of see why. Sometimes you just don’t want to be bothered and I knew he hated being approached in Maryland even more because no one expected him to be there.

Or so we thought.

"Are you Tara?" The third one finally spoke up, shocking the hell out of me with her questions. "The one from the Challenge for the Children game? I’ve seen your picture on the Internet," she said before I could deny being, well, myself.

Nodding, I shifted around nervously. "Yeah." What else was I supposed to say? But I wasn’t going to offer them any information, that was for sure.

"How do you know her name?" Justin looked ready to flip out after he’d taken two pictures with the trio. "Where do you guys find out that kind of stuff?"

I tried to diffuse the situation before he blew up, which looked like it could be any second. "It’s not a big deal, J, for real. Just finish taking the picture so we can get going, okay?" The girls looked at me with a mixture of jealousy, admiration and hate as I would probably look at, like, Donnie Wahlberg’s girlfriend. They hated me and as always, that made me extremely nervous.

Where was Mike when you needed him? Now I understood why he was so against Justin venturing out alone, especially with me.

Quickly, Justin huffed and puffed his way through two more photos and one autograph before he informed them that he was done. "It was nice meeting y’all, but don’t be following us around, okay? Let me have my privacy."

"Okay!" They all said in unison again, gazing at him adoringly. "Thanks Justin, thank you so much," they kept saying as they backed away, then turned around and ran off, giggling. We were left alone except for the curious glances from other shoppers and the sales people, obviously wondering what all the fuss had been about. Rather than hang around and risk someone else bothering us, I decided it was time to jet.

"Sweetie, I can get Aurora’s perfume later. Let’s just go, okay?" I was scared what he’d do if someone else approached.

He grumbled, "Fine. I told you we should’ve left before…" he continued complaining as we left the store, hauling packages with us until we reached my dad’s truck. Once safely inside, he revved the engine and turned on Master P as loud as he could. Needless to say, he was aggravated so even though I despise Master P, I didn’t say a word. We had a peaceful drive home, holding hands and only talking when I needed to give directions. Justin loves singing or rapping to the radio and I let him unwind by doing that so that hopefully by the time we reached home he’d be back to my sweet golden boy again.

So far, so good. We got home and instead of pulling into the garage, he parked in front of the circular driveway because we planned on going back out to get some food shortly. It wasn’t until we were in the process of unloading the car that I noticed the car parked directly across the street from my house. The car was empty but the street wasn’t deserted. Standing behind the car like we couldn’t see them or something were the three girls from the mall, who had apparently followed us!

Hoping he wouldn’t notice, I tried to hurry him inside. "Sweetie, could you go unlock the door? I’ll get the rest of these; there’s not that much."

He looked at me liked I was crazy. He always did the gentlemanly thing like opening doors for me and carrying packages so what I suggested sounded very weird to him. "What? T, is your brain fried today? I really don’t need this after—" When he suddenly stopped talking I knew that the jig was up. The game was over, so to speak. He’d spotted the girls and all hell was about to break loose. "T?"

"Umm, yeah?"

"Am I seeing things, or are those the same girls who were at the mall standing across the street?"

I hesitated for a few seconds before answering, "Yeah, I think so."

"So they followed us." That was a statement, not a question. It was also a fact, so I couldn’t lie. "After I specifically asked them not to."

"Yeah, looks like it," I replied while digging in my purse for my cell phone. Mike was going to have to start earning his pay and get his butt to my house post haste. He stood beside me fuming and I thought he was going to leave alone it but just when I got the phone out, he suddenly charged towards the gates of my house and manually hit the keypad to have them open.

"Shit," I groaned, running after him and thanking God I was wearing jeans and sneakers. Even still, by the time I got over there he was already yelling.

"Don’t you fucking realize what an invasion of privacy this is? Do you think this is going to make me like you better or something? Huh? Because it’s fucking not. I don’t fucking like any of you and if I ever catch you around here again, I’m calling the cops, you fucking hear me? Huh?"

I was holding onto his one arm to calm him down and desperately trying to dial Mike’s number at the same time. "Justin, chill out, okay? Just ask them not to come back!"

He snorted and shook his head. "Like that’ll fucking work. Losers who follow people around like this won’t listen to a simple suggestion like that, T, trust me."

One of the three girls, all of who were on the verge of hysteria from being screamed at by their teen idol, tried to speak. "W-we d-d-didn’t mean t-t-o m-m-make you mad, J-j-justin," she managed to get out. "W-w-e just w-w-wanted t-t-o t-t-ry to find out why y-y-you where h-h-here," she sobbed.

Finally Mike picked up his phone and I turned away. "Mike’s House of Grits ‘N Gravy," he sang through the phone. All was right in his weird world.

"Mike, you need to get over here right now," I was freaking out and it came through loud and clear over the telephone. All of his joking ceased and security guard Mike was back in effect.

"What happened? Talk to me, I’m turning the car around now," he ordered.

"Justin’s standing here screaming at some fans who saw us out shopping and they followed us to my house and I can’t get him to stop and they’re crying and he’s so mad I’m afraid he might hit somebody!" My heart was pounding so fast that I thought I might have a heart attack and I was terrified because I’d never seen Justin so mad before. Even the few times he’d been that close to being mad -- barring the time regarding the baby --- I’d always been able to calm him down but now he was in another world, still screaming. "Do you hear him, Mike? What do I do?"

"Put him on the phone," he said grimly. "I’ll take care of it, just get him to take the phone."

Close to tears like the fans myself, I said a trembly, "Okay," then turned to Justin. "Justin?" Nothing. He kept yelling at the girls, one of who had developed a backbone and was now screaming back about this being a free country and how they could stand wherever they wanted.

Which really wasn’t helping matters any.

Hitting him in the arm as hard as I could, I shouted, "Justin!" and he finally looked at me. His face was bright red and his eyes were as cold as I’d ever seen.

It scared me. He scared me, so much so that I was shaking,

Thrusting the phone to his ear, I said as forcefully as I could, "It’s Mike. Talk to him now." For a second he stood there in a fog as if deciding whether or not he wanted to or not, but for some reason he went ahead and took my phone.

"What? … Mike, these fucking girls just … you know I really don’t give a good fucking shit about that right now …" He turned and looked me over for the first time and seemed to soften a bit. "No, she’s not looking so great but that’s the whole fucking point, man … you know I’m not trying to do that shit on purpose …" He sighed. "When? … You sure? " He turned and looked at me again, worried this time, "Alright, man. Alright. Yes, yeah, fuck! I said yes. Bye."

He flipped my phone shut and stood there glaring at the girls for another few seconds before he turned to me yet again. "C’mon, T," was all he said as he took my hand and walked me back across the street, We picked up the groceries scattered everywhere and made our way inside, back into the kitchen. As soon as we set everything down onto the counters, I collapsed into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands. This was all getting to be a bit too much for me.

"Baby, you okay?" He knelt down in front of me, putting his hands on my knees, I had a brief flashback to one night where we were in exactly reverse positions, with me sitting in front of him, trying to comfort him about his overzealous fans. I never imagined, not in a million years, that it would ever be the other way around. "I’m so fucking sorry about this shit! But don’t worry … Mike’s on his way and he’ll take care of it. He knows how to handle situations and shit like this," he told me, now perfectly calm.

But I knew it was all an act for me. He figured if we acted calm then I wouldn’t get upset but I knew him too well. I could still feel the tension in his body and hear the anger in his voice and it didn’t make me relax at all. If anything, it made me feel worse that he wouldn’t just come out and talk to me, but I wasn’t going to start an argument about that then.

I shrugged. "This is just all so strange. I can’t believe they followed us home, to my house! Now they’ll probably put my address up on the Internet or some crazy shit like that and people will drive by all the time. I live alone here, J. This scares me to death because what if some Single White Female chick decides she wants you and figures out where I live and decides to act insane? It could be in the middle of the night and I’d be alone and—" There I went with my rambling again, and again he stopped me before I hyperventilated.

"Shhh," he pulled me to him and cradled me in his arms. "You know I’m not gonna let anything like that happen to you, don’t you, T?" I-"

I couldn’t help but interrupt. He had the best of intentions but he wasn’t, like, Steven Seagal or anything. "I know you’re gonna try but you can’t be with me twenty-four hours a day," I explained again, losing my patience.

"But you could be with me."

I just sighed, At least until I’d had the chance to experience being on the road for week or two, I refused to commit to it. Now, though, it sounded like a very good idea, If I was with him on his tour there was no place safer in the world for me. "But I just have to see it first, can’t you understand that? I’m not gonna make a huge decision like that until I at lease see what it’s like and anyway this isn’t what we need to be talking about right now, Justin. Okay?"

He squeezed me hard and rubbed my hair, trying to relax me and keep a tight rein on his own out of control emotions. "Okay. You just gotta understand that I want you with me all the time, baby. I’d miss you so much if you weren’t there. I’d miss talking to you and kissing you. I’d miss hugging on on you and baby!"

"What" Such a dummy, am I.

"The ass!" His hands slid down to said region and squeezed. "I don’t think I could make it without, t," he said, all serious. Sometimes I really believed him, sick bastard, He talked about my ass so much and so seriously that sometimes that I was jealous of my own body part.

Yes, I know. I’m a loser.

Just then my front door opened and closed and I heard the clack of shoes in the foyer. "Where’s everybody?" It was Sasha, and Justin groaned, then got up to begin putting the few groceries we’s already picked up away.

"In here," I called out faintly, and she appeared shortly after, looking adorable in a big, furry purple sweater and dark jeans with boots.

"Hi honeybunch," she kissed me on the cheek. "Timberfuck, what the hell are you doing, cussing out your loser fans?"

Justin dropped the box of mashed potatoes that he was about to put in the cupboard. "You talked to them? Why the fuck would you talk to them? I can’t believe they’re still out there," he muttered to himself and neither could I. That’s true obsession.

Sash helped herself to an apple and shrugged. "I pulled up and these girls called me over so I went to see if they were lost or something and they told me everything," she shook her like Justin should be ashamed. "Although I did tell them they were wrong for following you guys home and if they gave this address out I would beat the living shit out of them. I even made the one old enough to have a license show it to me."

See why I keep her around? She’s like no one else.

"Thanks," Justin said grudgingly and I could tell it killed him to say it.

"Oh don’t thank me," she said snarkily. "Because I also told them that your shit stinks just as bad if not worse than everyone else’s so they should maybe think about picking another favorite. Maybe Joey."

Justin rolled his eyes and continued putting food away while I laughed my head off, momentarily forgetting that I was being stalked. "Girl, you’re crazy. Did you really do that?"

"Hell yeah I did," she crunched loudly on her apple. "Where the fuck is your bodyguard at anyway? Isn’t he paid to stop things like this from happening? Shit, I’d do better as security than he would. I got them to leave and everything," she boasted.

"Did you really?" I got up to peer out of the front windows and sure enough, they were gone. But they’d be back, I knew that for sure. I could remember being that age and if I had known where my teen idol and his girl were shacked up at, my ass would’ve been practically picketing up and down the street. "They’re gone, Justin!" I confirmed when I returned to the kitchen.

"Prob’ly scared them away with her face," he grumbled underneath his breath and I kicked him. Just then, Mike appeared, totally frantic.

"Where are they? What happened? Are you okay?" We al sat there staring calmly at him like the last hour hadn’t happened.

"Chill out, man," Sasha pulled out a chair for him. "Sit. Breathe."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Where are the fans? Tell me now." That was said in a don’t-fuck-with-me bodyguard voice that worked wonders on us all. We quickly told him everything.

He shook his head, "This is why I don’t like leaving you alone, man," he told Justin who shrugged and stared at the place mat on the table. He’d been so disappointed after he got over his anger about not only being spotted and followed to his ‘oasis’, as he called Maryland, but now Mike was reaming him out. I wanted to go and sit on his lap to hug the hurt away but it wasn’t exactly the appropriate time

"I didn’t think this would happen," he said pitifully. "I thought I might have to sign an autograph or two but fucking being followed never entered my mind! Stupid bitches," he said grumpily, and I reached over to hold his hand, which he grasped tightly. My poor baby.

Mike sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Y’all know what this means, right?"

We shook our heads except for Sasha, who was busily reading the latest edition of W magazine. "What does it mean?" Justin asked.

"It means playtime is over. You two have been living in a fantasy world for the last few months security-wise and that’s all gonna change. No ifs, ands or buts, I let you get away with too much and now we got fans knowing Tara’s address which isn’t cool at all. So I’m calling Randy (Randy was the Head of their security team) and we’re gonna figure out what’s happening next, because there is going to be something happening now that this information is out.

I groaned, closed my eyes and put my head down on the table.

Change.

Everything was changing again, just when I thought we were past all that. Now I was going to have to prepare to be stalked and have Justin freak out on every fan encounter.

I sighed.

Maybe all this change was getting to be a bit too much for me.

Chapter 8

Still startled by all that had happened that day, I sat and listened while Justin and Mike talked to Randy and Johnny, the group’s manager about what to do next. They passed Mike’s cell phone back and forth while Sasha, seemingly ignorant to what was going on around her since she was perusing W magazine, held my hand soothingly underneath the table. Finally, after about thirty minutes of us all sitting there, the cell phone was hung up and Mike laid down the law.

"Alright, Tara, I know you’ve been listening to what we were saying so you must have some idea of what’s going on," he started, and I hated to disappoint him but…

"Actually I wasn’t listening," I told him, and I wasn’t. I’d been thinking about those girls and how they could come back at any time, like even at that very moment and how great it was to have Mike around. The I’d started to wonder when it was that Mike had stopped being my enemy and become my friend and protector and so on … you get the picture. I have a bad habit of letting my mind wander at times like those. "So feel free to start from the beginning."

Justin added to Sasha, "And would it kill you to put that down and pay attention? We’re talking about security for your best friend here." Why, God, why?

Just as I knew she’d been, Sasha had paid attention to every last detail of their conversations while my mind was off in space and she told him so, practically repeating their conversations verbatim which filled me in on some things: Mike was going to be permanently attached to us from now on, Justin could only stay four more days before he had to go back to Florida for rehearsal and if I didn’t go with him then everyone thought it best that I had someone stay in the house with me, like a friend. At that point when she finished speaking everyone stared at Sash who shook her head vehemently.

"Oh hell no," she said emphatically. "I’m not getting involved in some shit that’s caused by Timberfuck’s loser fans. If Tara’s not safe she can come to my house or Aurora’s and she knows it. Uh-uh. No way. Ask Jen to come here or something."

All three of us – Mike, Justin and I – shook our heads at that suggestion. Jen was just too nice to be any sort of buffer. Knowing her, she’d invite the fans inside or something.

"You know Jen won’t work," Mike told her seriously. "You know how to deal with fans. You know how to deal with any situations that might come up?"

Situations? I seriously didn’t want to know, I thought, leaning into Justin as his arm curved around me. I had enough situations already.

She shrugged. "Too bad, then. She’ll have to come to my house."

"But it’s almost Christmas," I pleaded with her, knowing she knew all about my love of decorating. "I bought a million things and I’m gonna get a tree and everything! Please, Sash?"

Silence.

"This is the first time I wanted to decorate since … they’ve been gone," I told her, playing the parent card. I didn’t do it to be manipulative; it was the truth. I was really excited about Christmas and the cruise we were going on afterwards. For once I didn’t want to hide away and sob for the two-week hell that was the holidays.

"T, you can’t get a tree," Justin interjected. "It’ll die while you’re in Tennessee with me."

Huh?

I snuggled closer to him. "In Tennessee? For what?"

He looked at me like I was crazy and for a second I caught Mike shaking his head like there was an oncoming storm. Mike is psychic, you know. "For Christmas, dummy," he said, like I was retarded.

Sasha laughed. "We’re going on a cruise for Christmas with my family," she informed him in a not-so-nice way but what else was new. "My dad got the tickets in November.

Oops, I’d forgotten to tell him. In November, when we were ‘on a break’ but I didn’t know that, Mr. Evans had decided that we were going on a cruise for Christmas and returning for New Year’s Eve. Somehow he decided that I was going and after the tickets were purchased I was so kindly let in on the knowledge that I was going to Barbados. At the time, it seemed like a great idea and even now it didn’t seem so bad. I loved Justin but I didn’t want him to think he could rearrange my world around him all the time. Because he totally did, as evidenced by his next sentence.

"Change your plans," he said simply. "I’ll pay your dad back for the ticket and she can come with me. Besides, we have to go to Hawaii for New Year’s Eve – we have that concert, remember? I thought you [he indicated Sasha] were coming."

She looked offended, as she should have. Justin doesn’t understand how much money Sasha’s family has, old money. They wouldn’t take a dime of money from him, especially not her dad. He’d probably cuss him out for even trying to give him some.

"We don’t need your money, you prick!" she exclaimed. "She’s coming with us and that’s final. As for Hawaii, we’ll be back in time to catch a plane there if I don’t murder your obnoxious ass first. You think the whole fucking world revolves around you, you know that? Tara has family, real family besides you that love her and want to spend time with her. You’ve been monopolizing her time for the last six months and you’re not taking this cruise away from me. Besides," she said as she stood up and grabbed her purse as if she were about to leave, "my dad wouldn’t let her not go. Ain’t that right, T?" She used the nickname to irritate him on purpose but everything she’d said had been dead on. It was time to remember who had been there for me before Justin and who would be there for me after, if that happened.

Justin looked annoyed, mad and stricken all at once. "You’re not gonna choose her over me, are you?" He clutched me close to him and I could hear his heart beating loudly. Aww, my sweetie. How was it possible to love another human being besides your child that much?

But I couldn’t back out of the cruise. First of all, I didn’t want to and second of all, I was scared of Mr. Evans, so Justin would have to suffer without me for, like, nine days. Of course I’d be suffering, too, but letting him think that he was the one who was really miserable sounded like a good idea.

"I’m not choosing anybody over anybody," I replied irritably, pushing his arm off of me. "Justin, I can’t back out of this cruise, I’m sorry, but I’ll definitely be there for your Hawaii trip. It’s not my fault I made plans at a time when we weren’t speaking. And Sasha, you could really stay with me for a couple of weeks until I decide another alternative; it won’t kill you. Thanks a lot," I said bitterly. Everyone but Mike was getting on my nerves.

She huffed and puffed from the doorway. "You know damn well I’m gonna come and stay with your ass when he leaves," she pointed at Justin who gave her the finger, which I slapped down. "You just better not bail on this trip or I will suggest that Daddy make a stop over here."

She had me. We both knew I’d rather date Dave again than have Mr. Evans come over for a talk – which basically meant to yell at me. Still, it bothered me that she thought so little of me that she thought I’d just leave her high and dry on Christmas. On the other hand, it did mean that I was leaving my boyfriend high and dry so … things sort of sucked. I couldn’t get too excited about the cruise around Justin and I’d miss him anyway but at least we had Hawaii to look forward to.

But before that I had to get through the night with him. He was already giving me that patented hurt, abandoned _expression. I needed to get rid of Sasha and Mike and do some damage control. "Bye, girl," I waved from the table as she left the kitchen.

"And you have to get a fake tree or it’ll die!" she shouted as she left.

"Well, that takes care of things after we leave," Mike wiped his hands together like business was all done and taken care of. I wondered if he did this sort of thing for all the girlfriends or just me. Whether he did or not, it still made me feel special that he cared about my safety so much. "So how are you right now?"

I shook my head, still bewildered and a bit frustrated from the Justin/Sasha drama. "Confused. I just never, in a million years, ever thought anything like this would happen to me, you know? I guess I’m a little scared, too," I told him.

Beside me, his body still tensed after dealing with Sash, Justin slapped his hands on the big wooden table. "I need a break," he said to no one in particular in a gnarly voice that told us he was upset, got up from the table and disappeared somewhere into the house.

"Great," I groaned. "Just what I needed." Now besides worrying about myself and my own conflicting feelings, I had to make nice to him. It was so hard dealing with someone as moody as he was.

Mike sighed too. "I feel for you, baby girl. He’s not easy to deal with but in this case it’s just because he wants to be with you. You know, it’s selfish and everything but it’s sweet. That boy really loves you and wanted to spend Christmas with you and his family. He’s just disappointed but you’ll talk him out of it."

Mike was being so nice; I wanted to go and hug him. "You think so?"

He wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Yeah, just put on one of those Victoria’s Secrets outfits we got and—"

"You jerk!" I hit his arm and we both laughed, then he left to go retrieve some of his stuff from where he’d stayed sometimes. No more alone time for me and J – our duo was now a trio, with Mike going every single place we went.

Alone downstairs now, I sighed and went upstairs to find Justin and smooth things over. What I found was surprising to say the least – instead of moping somewhere, he was standing in the mirror practicing beat boxing over and over.

Yes, that’s right. Beat boxing.

See, when I was thirteen or fourteen and intent on marrying Donnie Wahlberg, he did this thing in their concerts where he would stop everything he was doing and beat box. It was the first time I remember having that special feeling for a guy, the awakening of my libido, so to speak. I mean it was wack even when Donnie did it so it was about a hundred years out of style when Justin did, but something in it brought back that feeling and right then, to me, I wanted to run over and jump his bones

But I didn’t. Instead I stood and watched him until I couldn’t stand it anymore and sidled over into the room behind him, slipping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder. "Whatcha doing?" I asked sweetly, ignoring the way his body stiffened.

"Nothing. Practicing," he said and turned away from me, walking over to the bed and sitting down. Boy, if you could trademark a pout that guy had it on lockdown. I followed him and sat next to him, taking one of his hands in mine.

"J … I know you’re pissed, so just say it so we can deal with it, okay? You have your say and then let me have mine and we’ll try to hash this out. Remember we said we were gonna try to talk instead of just screaming?" I held his hand tightly and laced my fingers through his. He didn’t pull away which was a good sign.

“I don’t really have anything to say right now,” he said, still pouting. I let go of his hand and rand my fingers through his hair to try to loosen him up a bit. “You’d rather be with Sasha than me for Christmas; what else is there to say?”

Sighing, I put my hands on both sides of his face and forced him to look at me. “Justin.”

Silence.

“Justin.”

“Sweetie, will you not ignore me? You can do a lot of things that are annoying that I can overlook, but ignoring me isn’t one of them.” I could see him being upset but what did he think was going to happen if we sat there not talking to each other all night?

Sighing, he let his eyes finally meet mine and I was heartbroken when I saw he really did look hurt and sad, He was still so young and so used to getting his way. “I just don’t know what to say”, he shrugged. “That’s what it boils down to factually,” he said, using his hands excitedly. “So what else am I supposed to think? Yeah, it fucking hurts my feelings, Yeah, I’m upset about it, especially since you’re going with that bitch,” he spat the word out like it tasted badly or something.

I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t want to be with someone else instead of you; I just already made plans,” I stated again, trying to force it through his head. For some reason my eyes kept going to his lips since we were at face level and all I could think about was beat boxing.

What that meant those lips could do.

What those lips had to me before.

“You could cancel,” he stuck to his guns, not giving an inch until I changed the subject.

“Justin?

“Yeah?”

“Can you … do what you were doing … for me? Just for a couple of seconds?” I asked, my cheeks flushing and my eyes still glued to his lips.

He had no clue what I was talking about … until he saw where my lips were. His voice turned husky.

“You want me to beat box for you?” he asked, a bit incredulously and I nodded my head, grateful that he picked up on it and I didn’t have to explain myself. He knew exactly what I wanted because then he said “Well tell me exactly where you want me to do all these things with my tongue, baby, and I’ll see if I can do something here.”

We hadn’t had sex in over a month and even now we were still just fooling around, kissing and cuddling. But today I was ready to take things up a notch and I filled him in on that by knocking him down on the bed and straddling him.

This time, for once, I was taking control.

Chapter 9

I leaned over and pushed Justin so that he was lying on his back, and he folded his hands beneath his head, curious to see what I was up to. I had that look in my eye -- you know the one -- and it didn't take much for him to see where things were headed. Standing up, I moved to stand right in front of him with my hands fiddling with the button on my jeans.

"You know what I want you to do," I said in a soft voice. I was feeling bold and feeling in control, but I still wasn’t bold enough to shout out "Put your mouth on me!” ya know? So I slowly undid the button while he sat up and reached for my hips pulling me close to him, his mouth nuzzling just below my belly button.

"You want this, huh?" He licked and sucked delicately on the skin while his hands suddenly were pulling my zipper down more and more, with his mouth following.

"Mmm hmmm," I moaned, sinking my hands into his thick, unruly brown curls. "Make some music with your mouth on me, Randall," I said cornily, but loving every minute of it.

We hadn't really been intimate since he arrived, what with the sexual ban my doctor instituted after my procedure. However, that time had passed and neither of us had made the move towards intercourse for some reason -- it just didn't feel right yet. We did lots of playing around, touching and rubbing on one another, but this was the furthest we'd gone since he came and I knew he was as excited as I was. And believe me, I was ready to rip my clothes off and feast on some Timberlake right then and there.

So that’s exactly what I did.

Stepping back, I ripped my sweater over my head and was out of my jeans in seconds, while he followed suit, both of us sending shoes flying across the floor. Stark naked, I crawled onto the bed and lay back in his arms, kissing him softly and touching him all over his fit body. Our hands wandered over every crevice of one another, and when I finally took hold of him, he cursed out loud because it'd been so long since I’d touched his bare skin.

"Do you like that?" I whispered, still feeling a weird combination of bold and shy. I could do the acts, I just couldn't say them. "Does this feel good?" My hand moved up and down slowly, grazing the hot, angry skin of his penis and listened to him moan and groan some more. It made me feel good to know how good he felt. I wanted to make him feel even better so before he knew it, I maneuvered myself around until I was face to face with that part of him.

"T, baby, no," he said futilely, not even meaning it, and I ignored him anyway, taking him in my mouth and basically ... going to town. I still didn't have that much experience on how to do it right but I figured from the noises he made I wasn't too off base. He yelled and moaned and groaned, bucked his hips and twitched his body around until before I knew it, his mouth was on me at the same time that mine was on his. It felt so amazing that I almost dropped what I was doing; God knows I slowed down on my action immediately. I'd heard of sixty-nine and Dave had tried it before but I was never up for it but now ... this was a whole different experience. This was something like I'd never experienced before, giving and receiving pleasure all at once ... feeling him inside my mouth and experiencing their reactions while he was giving me the same pleasure ... it opened up a whole new world for me.

The room was silent except for an occasional moan and sigh from one of us until Justin’s persistent tongue really began to work on me in earnest, causing me to stop what I was doing completely. I just couldn't concentrate. I was too close ... I was so close...

"Mmmm ..." Justin moaned into me, setting sparks off in my head when he slipped a finger inside of me. That was all she wrote, and I was off, sailing into the sunshine full of pleasure and rainbows and all that other good stuff he made me feel. I pushed against him and he held onto me tight, making sure I didn't slip away from him until I’d ridden out my orgasm.

"Feel good, baby?" he asked from somewhere, God only knew. I was still floating in the clouds, high above the Earth.

"Yes, Randall," I said dreamily, and then remembered him and the state he must have been in. "C'mere," I reached for him again but he had moved his hips away from me when I wasn't paying attention. "Oh come on, Justin ... don't be like that again." I was so sick of the groupie association he had with oral sex. Sometimes I just wanted to do that to him; I loved him like he loved me and wanted to pleasure me. It wasn't fair.

But he had other plans. "No, I want you up here with me," he pulled me around and got me up to his chest. I reached over to the nightstand and handed him some tissues to wipe off his face with, then kissed him soundly. It had been a long time since I'd been intimate with him and experiencing it again made it even more special. But it still wasn't over.

Wrapping himself around me, he began kissing me with more fervor than I’d ever experienced from him before and his hips rubbed against me, almost like he was ready to have sex.

But I just wasn’t ready yet. It was too soon after what I’d gone through to have anything inside of me … I couldn’t explain it, I just knew it. So I moved my hips back some and carefully removed my lips from his. “Justin?” I asked tentatively.

“Baby … let’s talk later,” he whispered, trying to pull me back towards him to no avail. When he finally realized that I was resisting him, he opened his eyes halfway in this dead sexy way that made me want to give in right then and there. “What’s wrong?”

I closed my eyes, embarrassed at what I had to say after starting this whole thing. “I’m … I’m not as ready as I thought I was,” I whispered back. “I’m sorry, Justin, it just doesn’t feel right yet. Would you be mad if we didn’t do it, like, have sex that way?”

He sighed in slight frustration but kissed me softly. “No baby, I’m not mad. If you’re not ready then no way am I gonna push you. I just … I mean I’m in a state here …” he gestured downwards and I smiled.

“Is there anything I can do for you to take the pain away?” I asked, my hand going back down to stroke the length of him gently and he gasped.

“Yeah, just … keep doing that …” his hips started to move against my hand and I leaned over to gently bite and suck on his bottom lip, something that gets him every time. Pretty soon his hips were bucking and jerking and he reached his climax. I loved watching every second of it; his face tightens, his eyes squeeze shut and he bites down hard on his bottom lip. His entire body goes tense and then collapses in a limp heap.

But as much as I wanted to lay there with him, we needed to clean up a bit. I hopped off the bed and ran into the bathroom to wet a couple of hot wash cloths for us to clean up. I tossed him one and we cleaned up then lay back down, me snuggled up in his arms.

“Feel better, sweetie?” I asked him, referring to his tense standoff earlier with the fans. “Are you relaxed now?”

He shook his head. “I guess I overreacted a little but fuck! I don’t get any fucking privacy as it is, T, and I stopped and was nice to them, asked not to follow us around the mall and what do they do? They fucking follow us to your house! What the fuck, you know? I have some rights; I don’t care if I fucking screamed at them. They didn’t have any right to do that shit.”

While I agreed, I didn’t want to encourage him any. The more I’d hung around him, the more I noticed how scared he was becoming of his fans. I guess it came from being attacked and stuff, I would’ve been scared too. There was no security so he had to do the intimidating himself or they might’ve been all over him is what he was thinking, I knew.

“I can see why you got so upset,” I said slowly, “but I think you should leave the talking to Mike from now on, okay? Don’t go pulling that crap. It’s probably all over the Internet now along with my address,” I finished ruefully.

His body tensed again, this time not in a good way. “See? This is why sometimes I can’t stand our fans. It’s never enough!” he ranted, waving his arms around, almost knocking me in the face. “I sign autographs, pose for pictures chat them up for a bit, and it’s still not enough. They gotta follow me around and shit. I’m tired of it.” He was silent for a minute, and then he said, “Mike needs to be around because I can see this starting to become a real problem.”

“You told me that when you came here the first time to visit,” I reminded him, thinking of the time we’d gotten high on his porch and he showed me scratches on his arms from overzealous fans.

“I did?” he looked surprised.

“Yeah. You said it had gotten worse for you lately. Remember? Is it still getting worse?”

He shrugged. “It’s weird … JC and Chris were really popular in Europe. Joey was, too, but I think I’m getting up there in popularity lately too. They all handle it differently than me, though. No one even goes running up to Joey and physically attacks him, they just talk to him. Me, they come screaming at or whatever and I have to duck and hide. It doesn’t make any sense.”

I looked him over, my vulnerable golden boy. “You handle yourself differently than the rest of them. Chris and Joey are more outgoing; JC is sterner in a way that says hands off. Lance … I would guess he gets his fair share of being attacked too, right?”

“How’d you know that?”

“I’m psychic,” I joked with him, then got serious. “It’s all in how you carry yourself, I guess. Like with the New Kids—“

He groaned, “Here we go again with the New Kids.”

“No, seriously,” I argued. “Jordan was always attacked and so were Joe and Jonathan sometimes but no one ever attacked Donnie because he could control the fans. That’s what you have to learn to do.” I felt like I was giving a lecture on hot to be a boy band member, but it seemed like I was more educated in the protocol than my boyfriend, the actual boy band member, was. “You’ve gotta be real authoritative and yell at them if they get aggressive to get back, or you won’t stop for them. Then they’ll cry or something because they love you so much that your word is, like, law.”

He just looked at me for a long time like I was insane, then asked, “How much were you into the New Kids, T?”

Like I was some kind of freak or something. “I just happened to have watched a lot of video footage in the old days is all. I wasn’t actually there, stalking them if that’s what you’re asking,” I said, totally offended.

“You just seem to know a hell of a lot about this whole other world. Don’t become like those girls … I’ll introduce you to Donnie in a normal way one day. Johnny can arrange it.”

I almost jumped out of my skin. “Are you serious?! Would you do that for me? I promise I won’t act like a freak or anything,” I babbled on and on, my heart pounding at the thought of meeting my teen idol. “I’d be totally cool, not like those girls today at all.”

He kept looking at me strangely, like I was the biggest loser on Earth. Which I was acting like, of course. He pulled me to him and hugged me tightly, kissing the top of my head. “I’ve gotten involved with a stalker,” he murmured, which set us off into a wrestling fight that took us right back to the beginning of this chapter.

A great way to end it. 
 

Chapter 10

"Thank God we're finally here," Sasha grumbled as we stood by the baggage carousel waiting for our luggage with Dre. Justin was already comfortably ensconced in a sure to be luxurious suite awaiting my arrival. Apparently all of Hawaii was on an 'N Sync alert and the guys were having trouble going anywhere so I didn't trip over him not being there to meet me.

"Stop complaining," Jen told her, although we were all exhausted from the flights we'd taken that had included three transfers. I vowed never to set foot in Hawaii again although it did seem to be a beautiful place. The sun was shining, everyone was tanned and gorgeous and healthy looking and I couldn't wait to hit the beach. First, though, we had to get to the hotel and that meant fighting our way through the throngs of fans waiting outside.

Jen looked frightened, just like I felt. If it wasn't for the comforting figures of Dre and Mike, who was waiting downstairs at the entrance, I think I would've preferred to stay in the van that brought us there. But Sasha was having none of that -- she gathered the troops and practically pushed us outside and into the lobby. Even then we weren't safe, because fans who had rented rooms were still hanging around in the lobby. And they weren't the only ones in the lobby. It looked like Bobbee and JC were headed out towards the beach and were coming right toward us.

"Hey!" JC said, all happy to see Sasha and Bobbee shot him a dirty look.

"Hi," she said in a surly manner.

"What's up?" Sasha asked, totally cheerful in a halter top that showed off the generous cleavage that Bobbee didn't have. "You guys headed to the beach?"

JC nodded. "Yep ... right out back," he pointed behind him where Lonnie lurked over them.

"We'll see you out there then," she told him while pointedly looking at Bobbee. "as soon as we dump our stuff upstairs we're heading outside too. Isn't that great?!"

Recognizing the situation in front of him, Mike interrupted before blood was shed. "C'mon, let's get moving," he shook his head to gesture towards the fans hovering about, trying to eavesdrop. He got no argument from me; they were giving me the creeps with all their staring. Before I knew it, we were in the elevator on our way to see my man, the one I hadn't seen in over 2 weeks. He left my house shortly before Christmas and we;d spent almost every second on the telephone lamenting my decision to go on a cruise with Sasha's family. Or rather, he lamented. I had a pretty good time hanging out with Sasha and feeling like I was part of a family again. Sure, I missed J but I knew I'd see him in less than a week after the cruise so I managed to survive.

Justin can be such a big baby sometimes. He was completely surrounded by family and his friends and could have easily filled every second of his time with activities but instead he wanted what he couldn't have.

Which was me.

And secretly I loved it, I won't lie.

Anyhow, we finally got upstairs and I practically ran down the hallway to my boyfriend's room, banging on the door. "Let me in! Let me in!" My poor friends pretended not to know me as they walked by to their own suite. I didn't care; I wanted my Justin love.

He scrambled to open the door -- I could hear him tripping over something inside -- and finally flung the door open. Again, I was struck by the sheer beauty of his face. He looked damn near perfect with sparkling brown eyes and that curly head of golden brown hair. "Baby!" he exclaimed, grabbing me and giving me a big kiss. "Was your flight okay?" he asked as he led me inside the opulent suite and sat me down on a couch

I kicked my shoes off. "It was awful, J," I complained, wanting sympathy. It worked, because he pulled me to him and I snuggled into he crook of his arm. "I don't want to do anything but change into a bathing suit and hit the beach. Is that okay? Can you do that? Because we saw JC and Bobbee going out, too ..." I prayed that he was in the mood to brave the fans and hang outside for at least a little while.

Luck was on my side because he seemed amenable to that idea. I dug through my suitcases and found a one-piece that wouldn't make me feel like a whale but was still cute while he went and put on trunks. We were just about to leave when he stopped me.

"T? Wait a sec ..."

"What''s up?" I asked, oblivious to the uncomfortable look on his face.

"I need to tell you something you're not gonna like," he told me. That got my attention right away and I looked up at him.

"What now? Is Britney here too or something like that?"

Silence.

I groaned. "Are you kidding me? You've got to be kidding me, Justin! What the fuck is she doing here?" There went my trip. How was I supposed to have a good time with her there?

He shrugged. "Johnny invited her, you know, for the whole new Millennium thing. But he didn't just invite her, he invited all of his artists that he manages," he hastily tried to explain. "I can't tell him what to do, you know? I just found out myself las night."

"And you couldn't' tell anybody?" I had an attitude and it wasn't going away, reminiscent of the last argument we;d had regarding Britney "Trick-Ho" Spears. "Why couldn't you have prepared me for this?"

"You were on a plane, T! How could I tell you if I couldn't get in contact with you?"

Well, he had a point. But still.

"Justin, I really don't want her to ruin this trip. We need this trip to get back on track," I told him seriously and he nodded in agreement.

"We;re not gonna let her bother us. If we see her I'll say hello and keep moving. Besides we're not gonna be partying with her or anything ... now that I've got you to myself, I'm never letting you out of my sight!" he squeezed me tightly around the waist, pulling me to him. "Okay? Don't even think about her and we'll be okay. Okay, T?"

Grudgingly I replied, "Okay." But secretly I reserved the right to give that bitch a beat down if she so much as smirked at me, bodyguard or not.

No more was said about Ms. Spears as we joked around getting dressed and gathering gear together for the beach. Justin called Mike and him know we were planning on going outside and then I called my girls. At long last we were all ready to go and convened by the elevators with Mike and Dre where we got last minor instructions.

"Guys, do not stop for anything in the lobby. Keep moving with your heads down, okay?" Dre instructed carefully. We have an area set up for the guys on the beach so just follow me until I stop. Got it?"

Nodding our heads, we rolled our eyes at the drama of it all. Until we got downstairs and hears the yelling and screaming start at the sight of Justin. It startled me; that hadn't happened as loudly at the last hotel when I first met him. Now people were in hysterics at just seeing him walk through the lobby and I shrunk back away from him.

Now I understood why he freaked out on the fans at my house. It was probably the only oasis he had, my house, and now that was stolen from him. This was pure madness and I wasn;t sure I wanted to be associated with it on any level. At long last we made it outside to the beach and walked a few feet to an area completely surrounded by 'N Sync's bodyguards. The whole group was there but no one seemed to be enjoying themselves; they were on display and everyone was staring at them.

It's bad enough wearing a bathing suit in front of your boyfriends but imagine people snapping pictures of you at every angle? It sucks. Every so often the bodyguards would wave flashlights around to block people from getting shots of our little group but the kept trying. It was pure chaos.

"Fuck this," Sasha said irritably. "I'm going in the water; we're in fucking Hawaii and I didn't come here to stare at him," she jerked a finger at Justin. "Anyone else coming?

JC looked like he wanted to go more than anything but Bobbee said no for both of them. Chris and Lance declined but Joey jumped right up and followed me, Jen, Sash and Justin into the water, which was clear and beautiful. Pretty soon all of us were having a great time splashing at one another and just goofing off when it happened.

Yeah, you guessed it.

She appeared in all her plastic surgery glory, Ms.Britney Spears. I wanted to puke right then and there. She came sashaying down the beach with her bodyguard in a tiny pink bikini that was totally work to try and get Justin's attention, I knew. Out of the corner of my eye I watched to make sure he wasn't looking and to his credit, after the initial glance he pain no attention to her. But I did.

She sat down near JC and Bobbee -- it looked like she and Bobbee were great friends, go figure -- and made herself perfectly comfortable.

"Don't start tripping, T," Justin came up behind me and whispered in my ear. He didn't dare put his arms around me for fear of the fans flipping out on me. "Just ignore her, okay?`

Ignore Britney Spears. Yeah, right. But I would at least try. "Okay," I whispered, clasping his hand under the water where no one could see. I needed some reassurance from him and he gave it to me right away my firmly planting his other hand on my right butt cheek and squeezing hard.

"Remember I don't want anybody but you," he said in a whisper, then pushed me face down into the water. It did the trick. l forgot all about Britney for awhile and just had fun with my girls and Joey and Justin, not worrying about anything under the sun. after awhile it got too hot and we had to come back out of the water to seek the shade of the umbrellas the hotel had set up for the group. Once settled around the table, I finally took a good look at my nemesis. She was daintily sipping from a pink drink that matched her bikini perfectly, all the while smiling like the cat who had just swallowed several canaries. It gave me a bad feeling but I pushed it aside, thinking I was just being paranoid. I was with Justin and was secure in my relationship, I told myself. Don't let her undermine your self-esteem. I didn't even bother to say hello to her.

But it was hard. As well as I had gotten to know JC and Joey and even Chris, she seemed to have a different sort of bond with them. They were world-famous entertainers after all, and I wasn't. Therefore I turned my attention to my girls and let them talk shop, pretending she didn't exist. We whispered about all the gossip Sasha had pulled up on the Internet about her.

"They're so not real," Sasha commented, referring to her breasts. "Look at them! They're practically fucking saluting the flag!" She made Jen and I burst into giggles, capturing the attention of the entire table.

"What's so funny?" Chris asked. He can't stand to be left out of a joke.

"Yeah, what're you guys laughing at?" JC chimed in, only to receive another dirty look by Bobbee which caused Sasha to give her a dirty look. This inter-relationship stuff was crazy, I tell you. So many secrets were going around that table.

"Plastic," Sasha said pointedly. "And silicone," she added, causing everyone to cough discreetly or choke on their drink, in Brit's case. Then the Trick-Ho went and made everything worse.

"I haven't laughed like that since my birthday party," she said, making no sense since no one was talking to her at all. "Remember, J?"

Um, pardon me. J? Since when did she go around calling him by my nickname? I opened my mouth all set to tell her off when I felt Justin's hand on my leg, reminding me to ignore her. "She's just jealous of you," he whispered in my ear.

I didn;t care what her problem was -- I was sick and tired of her already and she'd just gotten there. "I;ve had enough sun ... I'm going inside," I said nastily, and got up to stomp off without Justin. "You guys coming?" I asked Sasha and Jen. It was time for a girl pow-wow. Something wasn't right and I couldn't put my finger on it. I needed to brainstorm with my girls to figure out what was going on.

But Justin wasn't having any of it. "No, I'm coming with you," he interjected as if I'd actually invited him. "See you guys later," he gave Britney a dirty look before following behind me back to the hotel as Dre and Mike scrambled to catch up.

"Tara!" Mike yelled at me and I slowed down to follow the bodyguard rules -- walk between the two of them and keep my head down. I knew the drill. And the drill was a pain in the ass.

Justin didn't say anything on the way into the hotel but the screams would've drowned him out anyway. What surprised us both was while we were waiting for the elevator. A girl was standing there -- several girls, actually -- and she asked me for a picture. Me! For a picture! I looked at Justin and he shrugged as if to say the decision was all mine. I decided what the hell -- if you can't beat 'em, you may as well join 'em -- and took pictures with two girls before the elevator arrived.

"Thanks," they gushed at me and I wanted to ask them so bad why they wanted my picture but instead I went on inside the elevator to face a grinning Mike.

"I told you, didn't I?"

"Told me what?" I was still preoccupied with Britney so I wasn't able to follow him as closely as I normally do.

"Told you they'd start asking for your picture, remember?" And I did remember in Atlanta he told me that and I blew him off like whatever, that'll never happen to me. Guess the joke was on me.

The joke was not, however, on Justin. I wasn't an idiot and I saw the looks Britney kept shooting him across the table and how uncomfortable he was. There had to be a reason for all of that and I intended on finding out right away.

Once we got inside the suite I turned to face him with my hands on my hips. "Something's up, J. Tell me now and maybe things won't be so bad, because if I find out from her or somewhere else I might try to kill you."

He had the nerve to look offended and Innocent. "What're you talking about? Nothing's going on, I swear!"

"Something happened, Justin, or she wouldn't have been acting like she was, grinning at you and smirking at me. Did you two hook up or something while we were broken up? Tell me the truth right now or I swear to fucking God I'll leave right now," I threatened, meaning every word of it. I knew that picture of the two of them was just too fishy to be innocent.

He shifted around, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Well ... I won;t lie to you, T. I haven't ever lied to you."

"Ever heard of a lie of omission, you asshole? What did you do?" My lower lip was trembling and tears were ready to fall at any second but I tried hard to hold on to my composure. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. "Stop putting this off and tell me RIGHT NOW!" I yelled, hands balled up into fists.

Swallowing hard, he looked me in the eye while trying to reach out for me but I stepped back, shaking my head. "Don't touch me. Don't come near me until I hear what happened, and DO NOT make me ask again or I'll just pack my shit and leave again. Don't think I won't."

"Fine!" he said harshly. At least he had the nerve to finally look ashamed instead of indignant. "I ... after her party ... we hooked up. Just once, T, I swear, only one time, and we only did it because I thought we were over and I was drunk ... it was just a one time thing and she knows it. She's just trying to break us up. Don't let her fuck things up just when they're starting to get good again, baby."

During this whole confession I closed my eyes and tears just streamed down my face while I stood there silently. What was there to say? Technically he hadn't cheated on me but this wasn't right. It wasn't fair and I just couldn't deal with the myriad of feelings going through my head. I felt betrayed even though we were 'on a break'. And here I was in Hawaii, in this island paradise, ready to finally re-consummate our relationship only to find that he hadn't been celibate at all.

It wasn't even the celibacy thing so much. Justin's extremely picky and I wasn't worried about him not having safe sex or even having sex sort of. He's not one for picking up groupies -- he likes having a girlfriend and he stays true to her. I believed that and therefore I had no right to be angry with him for doing anything when I wasn't his girlfriend for those few weeks. But Britney? Britney Spears? The snake just lying in the grass waiting to swallow him up the second there was trouble between us had done exactly what I predicted and it hurt.

It hurt bad.

Turning away from him, I went and curled up in a little ball on the couch, still crying silently. When he came to sit by me I put my hand out as if to stop him, and he went and sat on the opposite end. "Tara?"

"Just ... leave me alone right now, Justin. Leave me alone." I needed to heal, think, decide what to do, should I go home or stay, stay with him or break up? There were a million questions running through my head.

"I'm not leaving you, Tara. We're getting through this, I'm not letting you break up with me. I'll wait as long as I have to, but I'm not leaving you and I'm not letting you leave me either."

He had a long wait, as far as I was concerned. 
  
 

Strange Relationship

Chapter 11

I couldn't believe what Justin had just told me.  Technically it wasn't cheating, but if it wasn’t cheating then why did I feel like my heart had been ripped out of my chest? 
  
 

We sat there for at least five minutes in complete silence, except for my sniffling.  Finally he couldn't take it anymore and moved over towards me, just as I had asked him not to. 
 
 

"Justin don't ... don't touch me.  I don't want your funky hands on me after they've touched her," I spat out bitterly, meaning every word.  Just the thought of what they had done made me sick to my stomach.  I didn't think I could ever get past that. 
 
 

But he ignored me, reaching out to try and wipe my tears away and I slapped at his hand.  "I said DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled unexpectedly, suddenly bursting into gut-wrenching, hysterical sobs that wracked my body.  All I could picture was him kissing and touching her like he touched me and it made me want to stab him with the nearest sharp object.  He had betrayed me and our trust in every way possible, as far as I was concerned.
 
 

"Tara, baby, please ..." he was close to tears himself, still trying to gather me into his arms.  "It didn't mean anything, I swear!"
 
 

That's where I lost it.  Anger overtook me, a huge fury unlike any other that I'd experienced and I took it out on him.  Beating against his chest and shoulders, I wailed, "How could you do that with her of all people?  How could you do that to me Justin?  You made me look like an idiot today in front of her -- no wonder she was smiling like that!  I hate you for this, do you hear me?  I hate you for doing this to me!" Spent from my physical and verbal tirade, I collapsed into his arms and sobbed my heart out -- what was left of my heart, anyway.
 
 

Because I'd given him my heart months ago and he'd stomped all over it.
 
 

As I sobbed, he kept murmuring sweet words to me, rubbing my back and telling me that he loved me more than anything in the world and couldn't live without me.  That he'd made the biggest mistake of his life and he would make it up to me.
 
 

As if.
 
 

When my head began to clear, I realized that there was no way I could stay in that suite with him then.  I wasn't going to go with my first instinct which was to hop on a plane back to Washington, D.C. immediately, but I wasn't sleeping with him.  I could barely stand for him to touch me.  Still sniffling, I sat up and away from him.  "I need to get out of here," I said sadly.  He thought I meant I wanted to go outside and get some fresh air because he offered to arrange for security right away.
 
 

"I can get Mike to go with you," he told me and I shook my head.
 
 

"No, I mean out of this suite.  I'm not staying here with you ... I'll stay with Sash and Jen," I said determinedly.  "I can't be around you right now."  Standing, I went to get my suitcases from out of the bedroom while he followed me.
 
 

"T ... this is crazy!  How are we gonna work things out if you keep running away from me?"  He had a hell of a lot nerve.
 
 

Shaking my head, I laughed sharply.  "What, you want me to stay here and sleep with you and kiss you and touch you knowing you just fucked her a few weeks ago? Thank God I didn't have sex with you again.  God must be looking out for me."
 
 

He looked chagrined.  "You didn't have a problem kissing and touching me before you found about this.  Tara, please ... don't go.  Let's work this out, baby.  Please, I'm begging you not to leave."
 
 

I shook my head again.  Unbelievable.  If he thought we were working things out in the same suite that evening he was nuts.  "Trust me on this, J.  Ooh wait, isn't that her nickname for you?  Sorry ... anyway believe me, it's much better if you give me some space right now or I'm liable to say some things I might regret."
 
 

"I can take whatever you want to say, T.  Just please stay."  He blocked the doorway so I couldn't leave the bedroom, trying to grab my roll-away suitcase and carry-on bag from me but I persevered, despite his red-rimmed eyes.  I refused to feel sorry for him.
 

"Some things can't be taken back and the things I want to say to you can't be taken back ... so let me have some space!  Now MOVE!" I yelled again, on the verge of tears again.  I could tell he recognized the seriousness of my tone because he backed off and I began trekking my way out of the suite.  On my way out I remembered Jen and Sasha were still on the beach and I didn't have a key to their suite so I stopped and called Jen's cell.  She answered right away.
 
 

"Tara? What's up?"  I could hear laughter and talking in the background.
 
 

Just hearing her voice made me start crying all over again while Justin stood helplessly in the doorway to the bedroom, just watching me. "Jen ... I need you," I wailed into the phone.  "Can y-y-you c-c-come up h-h-here now?"
 
 

"I'll be right there," she answered, clicking her phone shut.  I knew Sasha would be right behind her and that they'd arrive in a few minutes.  So what to do until then?  I couldn't stay in the suite with Justin -- I just couldn't -- so I wheeled my bag out into the hallway, swiping at my eyes and trying to appear composed. I prayed no one would be in the hallway to catch me in such a state so of course Mike happened to be walking right down the hallway.
 
 

"What's wrong? What happened?" he asked right away, for once not out of nosiness but pure concern, which only made me want to cry even more.  Trying hard to hold back the tears, I shrugged.
 
 

"We're not getting along so well right now."  Understatement of the year.  "So I'm gonna stay with Sasha and Jen for a day or so," I told him through my tears.
 
 

He sighed, and I knew then that he knew about Britney but I didn't blame him for not telling me.  He worked for Justin, not me, and telling Justin's business would only get him fired.  In fact, I didn't want to discuss the situation any further with him for fear he'd get into trouble.  But with a sympathetic look on his face, he opened his big ol' arms to pull me in for a hug and as much as I wanted to pull away for fear of compromising his job, I couldn't help it -- I bawled like a baby.  The whole time I could feel Justin watching from the doorway but I chose to ignore him and pull all the comfort that I could get from Mike until Sasha and Jen came rushing up.
 
 

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Sasha asked, as both she and Jen crowded around me.  "What the fuck did he do now?"  Just then Justin quietly closed the door to his suite and Mike stepped back from me.
 
 

"I'm gonna go check on him," he nodded in Justin's room direction and I nodded back, saying thank you in my own way.  Then I was ushered into Sash and Jen's suite where I broke the news to them in a flood of tears.
 
 

"I'll kill him," Sasha said grimly.  "Where are my nail scissors?  I'm stabbing that motherfucker.  He flew you all the way out here to tell you some garbage like that?  Oh hell no."  She paced back and forth in the room, ready to do some serious damage.  "And that bitch out there grinning like that ... he can't treat you like that and just get away with it.  Revenge will be mine, I swear it."   That was my girl, holding it down for me.
 
 

Jen sighed and put her head in her hands.  "Just when I was starting to like him again," she moaned.  "He had to go and fuck it all up as usual.  I hope he didn't use that 'we were on a break' bullshit."
 
 

I could barely remember what he said, to be honest.  "I think I'm in shock or something because the whole conversation's a blur.  All I know is he slept with another woman, Britney Spears of all people, and I don't know what to do about it," I said through a wad of tissues stuck to my nose.  "Technically we weren't together but now every time I look at him I think of the two of them together and I want to puke."
 
 

"Would beating her up make you feel better?" Sasha asked, and Jen shook her head.
 
 

"She isn't friends with Tara; she doesn't owe Tara anything.  It's Justin's fault if anyone's ... although Tara's right.  They weren't together ... this is some fucked up shit."  She turned to look at me, where I was now huddled against a huge pillow.  "Do you have any idea what you might want to do?  At all?"
 
 

"No," I said honestly.  "I love him so much.  But I don't know if I can trust him anymore ... especially with her flying all over the place to see him.  That's the only reason she’s here, you know that, to rub this shit in my face.  I feel like such an idiot!"  I buried my face in my hands and started crying hard again.
 
 

Sasha thought it through logically, which was weird because Jen is usually the logical one.  "Seems to me the best way to make her look like an ass is to permanently attach yourself to Justin ... then her whole trip will be for nothing, right?"
 
 

She had a point.
 
 

Jen asked, "When Justin told you, he wasn't, like, breaking up with you, was he?"  I shook my head no and she continued, "Then Sash's right.  The best way to get back at her is to show her how much Justin wants to be with you.  We wouldn't be here if he wasn't in love with you.  So show her what the deal is.  Don't let her fuck up your relationship because that's what she’s trying to do and so far she's succeeding."
 
 

Well.  She had another point.
 

"You guys think I should go back in there and try to work things out?  After they screwed?"  I couldn't believe what my friends were telling me.
 

"If you're not in there she'll weasel her way back in there in no time," Sash pointed out.  "And as much as I hate him, I hate to see you sad, so ... yeah, I guess I'm telling you to get in there and take your rightful place.  You don't even have to fight for your place; he already prefers you to her.  So don't throw this whole thing away, Tara.  Go back there and at least talk to him."
 
 

What else could I do?  My two best friends in the world were telling me to fight for what was mine and I still wanted him, I couldn't deny it.  I just wasn't sure if I trusted him anymore.  But there was only one way to find out.
 
 

Standing, I went into the bathroom and washed my puffy face and tried to make myself look presentable, and then I left the suite to go back to Justin's. I could see another figure approaching from the opposite end of the hallway but I didn’t pay attention.  I had plenty on my mind already.  But the closer I got to Justin's suite, the easier I could see who the other person was.
 
 

It was Britney.
 

Like clockwork, we managed to reach his door at exactly the same moment and sized each other up.  I never realized how bad her skin was until then and how stumpy her body was.  She was still pretty but she wasn't the invincible goddess the press painted her out to be.  That made me feel better, so I spoke to her.  "Hi, Britney."
 
 

"Hi Tara," she smiled back with a 100% Colgate smile.  The same snarky one she'd had before outside that made me want to bitch-slap her.  "Looks like we both have business with Justin, doesn't it?"
 
 

"Looks like it," I answered, and not wanting the conversation to go any further, I knocked on the door loudly.  Might as well get this showdown over with.
 
 

Justin opened the door and looked like he was about to pass out one he got a good look at his visitors. 
 
 

Good, I thought. 
 
 

"Justin, I need to talk to you," Britney said in her sugary-sweet accent.
 
 

I stepped in, too.  "So do I."  I crossed my arms and waited for him to choose, so to speak.  If he chose her over me it would be the final nail in the coffin our relationship.  "Now."
 
 

He's no fool. Well, he is, but he's not that big of a fool.  "Um, Brit, can I hit you back later?  T and I really need to talk right now."
 
 

Good answer.
 
 

She actually pouted, what, was she sixteen?  "But it's important, J!"
 
 

I'd had enough.  "So is this.  You'll have to wait,” I brushed past her and walked into the suite like I owned the place.  Britney didn't realize how close she was to getting a beat-down.  Justin did, though, and hastily got rid of her.
 
 

Once she was gone, Justin came and stood in front of me, where I was standing in the middle of the floor.  "You came back," was all he said.
 
 

"I love you," I said honestly.  "I'm not giving up that easily ... as much as I don't trust you, you're still mine.  Not hers."
 
 

"Is that the only reason you came back?  To keep me away from Brit?  Because there is no me and Brit, T ... there's only me and you.  I swear," he tentatively reached out and took my hand as I started to cry again.  "Can I hold you baby?" he asked softly, and I nodded.
 
 

And there we stood, me crying while he stroked my back and hair and swore to me that we were going to be okay.
 
 

I had to believe him.  We were going to get past this.  I would be the perfect girlfriend.  He wouldn't have to stray.
 
 

We were going to be okay.  Somehow.

Chapter 12

The concert that night was great. I hadn’t seen the group perform together since the VMA’s in September so I was really psyched and had a lot of fun. Justin took major precautions to make sure that our seats were nowhere near Britney’s so I didn’t have to trip over her behavior during the concert and could relax and enjoy myself. And an added plus was that Bobbee sat wherever Brit was so I didn’t have to look at her ugly mug either. To add to the fun, my girls and I got wasted off of beer backstage before the show in the good ol’ Game Room and weren’t feeling any pain, so we stood up during the show, screaming the songs and I love you’s to all the members of the group, especially Chris.

Big fun, for real. But it was hilarious.

After the concert, we went back to the hotel to change for another party that Johnny was throwing at a club that opened up onto the beach. It was closed to everyone except people affiliated with Wright Entertainment Group so we could all act the fool if we wanted to. So of course, we did. But it was all in good fun.

I had just finished getting dressed in a cute halter top and shorts when Justin finished showering and came over to the chair I was sitting in, staring into space.

“You okay, baby?” he bent down and kissed me on the forehead, smelling deliciously of his aftershave lotion. Yes, he was young but he still shaved, people!

I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. Just thinking things over. It’s been a crazy day and I guess I’m still buzzing from all the beers I had earlier.

He sat down on the edge of the chair and rubbed my arm. “I thought we settled everything earlier … you know, when I called Brit and told her to back the fuck off. Didn’t that make you happy?

I shrugged again. “A phone call doesn’t just magically make everything go away, Justin. The hurt is still there. I can’t stop picturing the two of you –” I stopped suddenly and squeezed my eyes shut, then shook my head vigorously. “No! I’m not letting her ruin this trip for me. That’s exactly what she wants.”

He nodded in agreement. “Probably … if she saw us not getting along, it’d be like she won or something and she hasn’t, baby.” He stroked my hair, which was loose and curly, flowing down my back. “And even if you dumped me right this very second, I wouldn’t go back to her, ever.

I looked at him quizzically. “Why not? She was good enough for you before, wasn’t she?” It wasn’t like she was ugly; even I couldn’t go that far.

He sighed heavily. “ Look, Tara, I used her that night, okay? It was stupid and wrong and I’m ashamed of it but I did it anyway. It wasn’t any big love match or anything. She just acted liked she cared about me and wanted to talk and I was all fucked up … and I guess you can take it from there. All I can do is apologize --- you already know how much I regret it.”

“Do you honestly? I asked him one last time, staring deeply into his eyes.

He answered emphatically, “Yes! If I could go back to that night, fuck it, if I could go back to that Halloween party and change things I’d do it in a fucking second! Baby,” he took both of my hands in his and held them tightly, “I need you so much and I know I keep fucking up but I promise you with my entire heart that I’ll act like I’ve got some fucking sense this time. I swear it, okay? Just promise me one last chance, T. One more time.”

I stared into those blue eyes I loved so much. “They say the third time’s the charm, right?” I answered faintly, smiling at him while he beamed an enormous smile back down at me. Then, with a wink, he was off to change for the party, yelling, “You’ll see, you won’t be sorry!” over his shoulder.

I should’ve felt more comfortable, especially after the phone call. See, after Justin and I sort of made up and I moved back into his suite, he immediately call
Britney and told her that what happened between them was a mistake – and he made sure to mention that he already told her that a million times before – and to please respect him and me by leaving us alone. I don’t think she took it so well, but when she saw the looks that Sasha, Jen and I were giving her backstage, she made sure to be where ever we weren’t for the rest of the party. In fact, when we arrived at the party, she and Bobbee scurried away to the opposite side, as far away from us as she could get, which was fine with me. I know they were whispering about me and Justin or whatever, but as long as they stayed out of my hair I didn’t give a shit, you know.

So yeah. After showering and coming out in some cargo shorts and t-shirt Justin and I hit the club got our drink on. We hit the dance floor right away, swaying to the beat and looking into each other’s eyes, singing to each other. We heard “Get a room!" more times than I can count but we didn’t care. Not at first, at least.

It was weird, thinking about her being in his arms, his lips being on her skin … it made me almost want to push him away sometimes. But the he’d be my Justin again and all was okay in the world. The moments kept coming and going until the straw that broke the camel’s back came out. The DJ started playing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and I just stopped. Right in the middle of dance floor,

“T … what’s up?” A flushed Justin asked me, concern in his eyes.

I just shook my head at him and said, “I need a break,” and rushed off the dance floor. He followed me over to the bar where I ordered a mudslide and patiently waited for my order.

“You hot? Tired?”

I shook my head for like the fiftieth time. “I think I just need some time alone, Justin. I just want to chill for a minute, you know? You go dance. I’ll stay here.” Right then I wanted him away from me so I could collect my thoughts but I didn’t want to be rude about it. “Besides, I haven’t seen my girls all night … why don’t you go mingle or something?”

He knew right away what I was thinking about. “Tara, stop. You said you weren’t gonna let her ruin our night, remember?”

“And I’m not,” I replied. “I’m just cooling off and seeing what my friends are up to, that’s all. It’s no big deal, okay?” I lied. I knew he couldn’t tell if I was lying or not but he gave me a kiss and disappeared into the crowd, thankfully. I scoured the crowd and saw Jen talking to Mike, who had cornered her over by the end of the bar. I waved for her to come over and she gratefully did so, heaving a sigh of relief.

“I thought I was never gonna get away from him!” she exclaimed and ordered a drink. “I love Mike, he means well, but shit! He won’t leave me alone!”

I smiled at her frustration. Jen was so nice she just wouldn’t give Mike the big brush-off no matter how annoying he was. She’s so sweet. “Well, I saved you. Now save me, okay?”

“From what?” she inquired, taking my drink from me and sipping on it.

I gestured with my hand. “All of this … the song, the bitch who started this shit … everything in general, I guess. Jen, what am I going to do? I can’t even dance with Justin without thinking about them together. Every time he touches her I think about him touching her and it makes me sick. I don’t know if I can do this,” I answered truthfully. “I know we said I shouldn’t let her think there’re any problems between me and him but I can’t pretend, I just can’t,” I said, on the verge of tears. Determined not to cry, I took my drink back from her and swallowed the rest of it in one huge gulp.

“Aww sweetie,” she gave me a big hug. “Things are going to get better. You both love each other, despite what I think about what he did. I hate him for hurting you but I hate to say this … you were on a break. You know?” She answered.

If I heard that phrase one more time … “Yes, I know that!” I snapped and immediately regretted it. Sorry, Jen. I just mean, like, why did it have to be her. Why not some anonymous groupie? I’d rather have it be someone I wouldn’t have to be around and put up with anymore, you know? I see her everywhere and I have to restrain myself from physically attacking her!”

“Speaking of physically attacking people, “Sasha popped in between the two of us, you might want to take a look over there. She pointed to another part of the club, outside where the sand and water where. Guess who was there?

Justin.

And Britney.

Talking.

I wasn’t even mad or sad anymore at that point. No seeing red, no tears, no nothing. I was just done with it all. Tired of all the promises that were always broken, tired of all the lies that had been told. Just plain tired.

“So how are we gonna do this? Should I go for Justin and you go for her, or what?” Sasha asked eagerly. “If we kick him in the balls, he’ll be down for the count then the three of us can jump her. Sound good?” She was already taking her earrings off, crazy person that she is. Jen just shook her head, staring me with concern.

I shook my head. “Fuck this,” I said. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Back to the hotel? You mean ambush him there?” Sasha was still on a butt-kicking trip.

“Nope,” I replied. “Back to the hotel to pack. We’re getting on the first flight out of Hawaii and going … somewhere. We’ll pick someplace crazy and go there for New Year’s Eve. C’mon.” And leading the way, we got the hell away from Justin, Britney and that whole crazy world.

From now on I was putting myself first and that meant not dealing bold-faced liars anymore, i.e. my former boyfriend.

“But where?” Jen tripped along beside me, totally confused.

I shrugged, as was becoming my usual habit lately. “Who knows? Someplace fun where we can act like asses and let our hair down. Somewhere where we know he won’t be.”

Sasha smiled mysteriously. “I know just the place,” she said as we stepped outside and the valet got a taxi for us. “We’re gonna have a fucking rocking New Year’s Eve where we can have a ball and piss Timberfuck the fuck off, too.”

Good, as far as I was concerned.

Strange Relationship

Chapter 13

Carson came in the room, grinning broadly. "Tara and Sasha, my two favorite lounge singers! I haven’t seen you guys in a long time!" He gave us each a light hug and we introduced him to Jen, who was just a teensy bit star struck over him. Sash and I had gotten way past that a long time ago.

"I can’t believe you remember us," I said, considering he met and saw a million girls each day on TRL.

Carson shook his head. "Hanging out with you two,s inging old songs while you," he pointed at me while I tried to make myself invisible due to embarrassment, "were stretched out on that piano? I’ll never forget that scene. You two are hilarious. And who’s this?" he asked about Jen, so I introduced them quickly and they shook hands.

"So you got the tickets?" Sasha demanded, getting right to the point. Man, she can cut straight to the chase.

"Right here," Carson handed them over to her. "And I hope you appreciate the trouble I went through to get these for you. Why aren’t you with Justin, anyway?" he turned to ask me, nosy being that he is.

Sasha stepped in for me as usual. "He’s in Hawaii."

"So? Why aren’t you there with him? It’s fucking Hawaii, man! I’d kill to be here instead of doing this crappy shit," Carson told us. "My girlfriend Jennifer and I could be on a hot beach in Hawaii if I didn’t have to do this fucking show tonight." He looked at me. "Trouble in paradise?" I knew he was talking about Justin and me but I wasn’t sure about telling him anything so I just shrugged.

"Oh-kaay," Carson laughed, "I guess that’s off limits. Listen, I gotta actually go and do some work so I’ll see you guys tonight? Make sure you’re here around six because the line piles up and it’s hard to get in."

Jen laughed. "It’s already packed out there. We could barely get in right now,"

"Use the back entrance," he said then proceeded to write down instructions so we could rattle off directions to the cab driver.

Pretty soon we were back outside in the frigid air. We hailed a taxi after freezing our asses off for twenty minutes and went back to our hotel. Sasha decided to try out her dad’s new credit card and we were staying at the Trump International Towers. I was just grateful that there was no Heavenly Bed.

I know you’re wondering how we ended up in NYC for New Year’s with tickets to MTV’s big new year’s party. Well, Sasha and Carson had kept in touch a little bit - just exchanged phone numbers and talked shit about anything and everything - and on the plane she used one of the in-flight phones to call him and surprisingly, he hooked us up. Sasha said he probably just wanted me to get drunk again and act the fool like I did before, which is completely embarrassing.

Anyhow, we left Hawaii without a word to any one except Mike and we only told him so he wouldn’t worry. I told him he could tell Justin if he wanted to and if he didn’t want to that was fine, too. He tried to talk us out of it, smooth things over, but it was too late. I wasn’t chasing after some guy who insisted on hanging out socially with his ex-girlfriend who was voted the sexiest woman alive in, like, a million years, I told Mike, who had nothing to say after that. So we hopped into a taxi with me crying the whole way to the airport, lying on Jen’s shoulder. We got tickets and after only an hour’s wait, we were on our way to NYC. Sasha made hotel reservations while we were flying so when we landed in JFK airport we headed straight there to dump our bags and do what else - shop! All we had were skimpy hot weather clothes so what better reason to buy new clothes?

All the activity kept me busy but I still thought about Justin the entire time. He was blowing up my cell phone like crazy. He even resorted to calling Sasha who got a great kick out of being able to hang up on him with my approval. I was feeling incredibly fragile, like I might snap at any moment, and I was on the verge of snapping at any moment. There was so much anger built into me because of his lying and all the distrust between the two of us that I didn’t see how we could get past yet another problem in our relationship. I was sick and tired of it. And I was determined to have fun the next night, no matter what. Who gave a fuck what Justin wanted? It was time for me to grow a backbone.

~*~

The MTV party was packed. The three of us held hands, trying to get through the crowd to get to where the drinks were. Surprisingly, the person we bumped into who had liquor was Method Man, who was performing later that night. Sasha immediately hit him up for some of whatever champagne bottle he was holding.

"Hell yeah, girl," he said, "y’all can have this. They got a shitload of this in the green room." Then he started flirting with Sasha while Jen and I gazed at him with love-struck eyes. We’d loved Meth since he came out with his first single and couldn’t believe he was standing in front of us. Of course, he had a huge gold plate covering his chest and was completely covered in bling, which I still have never understood why everyone always wanted to be iced out, but live and let live, I suppose. He pulled all of us over to where his little crew was and everyone was already wasted despite it only being eight o’clock. The table was littered with bottles of champagne, some opened, some not.

"Here," he said in his famous gruff voice, shoving a bottle at each of us. "Get yo’ drink on, girls. Let’s dance," he told Sasha and they disappeared into the crown leaving me and Jen with who I suspected was Ghostface Killah and The Rza but wasn’t quite sure. After a few sips of champagne I just came out and asked them and they were so nice! We spent most of the night hanging with them, drinking and talking shit.

Of course, then they tried to hit on us.

"So you feel like rolling with us back to the hotel after midnight?" Ghostface asked me, and I, at a loss for words, said the only thing I could think of.

"I have a boyfriend, sorry" I told him.

Rza jumped in. "Where’s your man? He just left you alone on New Year’s? What kinda dummy would do that shit?” That was the most he’d spoken all night. Rza was very quiet and just sat, listening to all of our conversations.

Jen answered for me. "We - or she - left him because he was flirting with his ex-girlfriend for, like, the fiftieth time. So we decided to bounce from Hawaii to here."

"Y’all left Hawaii to come here? What is your boyfriend doing in Hawaii anyway?" The Rza suddenly became quite talkative.

Knowing they would clown me when I told them he was a boy-bander, I sort of mumbled, "He’s in ‘N Sync. They’re doing a concert there."

"What? Huh? What’d you say?" Rza and Ghostface both asked. Jen, in rare form because she was drunk, actually spoke up and repeated it for them loud and clear.

"He’s in that boy band, ‘N Sync. They were doing two concerts in Hawaii over New Year’s so that’s why he’s there. And he’s an asshole."

Rza leaned forward. "Which one are you dating? The kid trying to grow an Afro or what? The dude with yarn in his hair?" I found it hilarious that members of the Wu-Tang Clan knew who ‘N Sync was.

"The one with the afro," I said ashamedly, because Justin’s hair was completely out of control now. He could hardly walk around without a bandanna or something on his head just so he could see through the curls that flopped down in his face.

Those curls. I sighed, forgetting all about MTV and Wu-Tang. God I missed us laying together with his head in my lap, twisting his hair with my fingers and massaging his scalp. I missed us snuggling together for no reason, just craving to be near one another all the time. I missed my kisses and caresses, being called T. Damn it, I just missed him, period. So in order to stop being so depressed, I really started hitting the champagne hard and danced with some people on the main floor. We even managed to get on TV - well we were in the back, but we were still on TV - because they were talking to Method Man and he let us hang around him. He said we would make him look like a pimp and once we were drunk, we were down for anything.

So while Carson and Jennifer Love Hewitt interviewed him briefly, we hung around Meth with our arms around his waist or whatever, trying to appear cool. It was actually a lot of fun. Carson was completely wasted but somehow managed to get through the live broadcast, which featured the premiere of Backstreet Boys new video so I knew Justin or someone he knew would be taping the show to check up on their competition. Hopefully he’d see me wrapped around Meth and feel like shit.

You know, the way I felt when I saw the picture of him wrapped around Britney? At least I wasn’t screwing Method Man, although he was hella sexy. But he didn’t try to really run any game on us, just treated us like we were his little sisters or something.

All night was a blur - I think we stayed till around 4 AM, drinking and dancing with anyone and everyone. I remember meeting Gwen Stefani and the rest of No Doubt and being blown away. As for the rest of the celebrities, I have no clue who I talked to. You know how tequila gets to me.

At long last, we caught a cab ride back to our hotel and all of us collapsed, drunk and tired as hell. I lazily reached for my cell phone - I left it in the room on purpose - I saw that I had, like, seven messages. Gee, wonder who they’re from?

Tired of Justin, I decided to listen to them so I could respond when I finally talked to him again. Each message was him begging to tell me where I was, to apologize for hurting me, swearing that he wasn’t with Britney at all and that he missed me. The more I listened, the more anxious he got.

Good, I thought. Now he can know what it feels like to be played. Just to be mean, I texted him. The entire message said was:

Happy New Year! It’s 4 AM in the Big Apple and the MTV party was off the Hook! Hope you and your girlfriend had fun at midnight!

After I sent the message, I stumbled into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, and then we all fell into bed and slept until maybe one o’clock the next day. I’d managed to ignore my cell ringing until then and it finally pissed me off enough that I actually picked up.

"Hello?!" I demanded, annoyed to be awakened before I was ready.

Gee, guess who it was. "Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been fucking going crazy, worried about you. How could you just fucking disappear on me like that?" He paused to take a breath. "What did you do last night? How’d you get into the MTV party? Why the hell did you leave when we were supposed to be working things out?"

My hangover was not getting any better, listening to his demanding questions, so I answered as succinctly as possible. "We got tickets to the party from Carson. I left because I was sick of seeing you and Britney laughing it up like best friends right in my face. And if we were really working on things, you wouldn’t have been chatting her ass up in the corner of the club. Two can play at that game, J. If you can talk to ex-girlfriends or whatever, I can talk to whoever I want. Any more questions?"

"How in the hell did you get in touch with Carson? Did you hook up with somebody there, T? Because I know you were drunk."

I snickered. "I wasn’t drunk, J, I was wasted. All I know is I’m now good friends with the Wu-Tang Clan. We hung out with them all night long and had a ball. How’d your concert go?"

He snapped, "Don’t ask me about some fucking concert. Did you hook up with anybody, T? Just to get even with me? Because I swear to God I’ll kill the guy … did you fuck somebody else?"

That pissed me off. "What do you think, now I’m some fucking whore who’ll sleep with anyone? Fuck you,Justin. God only knows what you and Brit got up to last night. You had no trouble being in her face when I was there, I can only imagine what happened once you knew I was gone."

"Fuck this! I didn’t do shit! All I’ve been doing is calling you, all worried and shit. I screwed up during the concert so many times because I was worried about you, and you’re hanging out at MTV with the Wu. This is some shit, you know that, Tara? You could’ve at least called me and let me know you weren’t dead or something."

I sighed. Maybe I was wrong for leaving without saying a word to anyone but Mike, but he didn’t look like he’d miss me much when I left and I told him so.

"Not miss you? I was all over the hotel looking for you, getting the manager to open y’alls door to see if you were in there. I’ve been going crazy here. Tara, you promised that we’d try to fix things and then you just left. That’s fucked up … I was sitting all alone on New Year’s - not anywhere near Britney - wishing you were here. I miss you so much, baby … when am I gonna see you again?" Now that we’d talked for a bit, Justin had calmed down and gone into whiny mode. I wasn’t feeling ready to help him with it.

Sighing again, I stretched my legs out underneath the comforter on the bed. "I don’t know. Maybe we need a little more time apart. Maybe we got back together too soon, J. I have to trust you and right now I just don’t," I replied honestly. "Seeing you won’t make it any better - all we’d end up doing is having sex and trying to forget about our situation and I’m tired of doing the same old thing over and over. Maybe if we just talk on the phone for a couple of weeks, maybe after that I’ll come to Florida and see you."

He was almost about to scream from frustration, I could tell. But that wasn’t my problem. "You mean I can’t see you for weeks? Why don’t I just meet you back at your house and-"

"No, Justin! I said time apart and I mean it. For once, just try to honor my wishes instead of doing just what you want. Let’s do something my way for a change." I was sick and tired of catering to his every whim all of the time; it was time he proved himself to me and I told him so."

"Fine! I’ll change … I’ll do whatever you say, T. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it and fix everything."

I shook my head as I gazed at the ceiling. "You should come up with something on your own, Justin. You’re a grown man … why do I have to tell you what to do? Figure it out on your own. Now I’m going back to sleep … talk to you later." I hung the phone up and immediately turned it off because I knew he would just call right back.

Enough of the bullshit. He may have made millions and maybe he was a huge star, but he was just Justin Randall Timberlake to me. Just another deadbeat boyfriend so far. If he wanted me, he was going to have to come correct.

The ball was in his court now. I was just waiting for the first serve.

Strange Relationship

Chapter Fourteen

It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard

See, loving you is like a battle

And we both end up with scars

Tell me who I have to be

To get some reciprocity

'Cause no one loves you more than me

And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game

That forces you to act this way?

Forces you to scream my name

Then pretend that you can't stay

Tell me who I have to be

To get some reciprocity

'Cause no one loves you more than me

And no one ever will

No matter how I think we go

You always seem to let me know

It ain't working

And when I try to walk away

You hurt yourself to make me stay

This is crazy

I keep letting you back in

How can I explain myself?

As painful as this thing has been

I just can’t be with no on else

See, I know what we've got to do

You let go and I'll let go, too

“Cause no one's hurt me more than you

And no one ever will

I kept listening to 'Ex-Factor' on repeat when I got home, thinking of Justin and me. Some of the song – very little of the song --- didn't apply to use but most of it did. It was like I couldn't let go of him, no matter how hard I tried. And no matter what we did, things weren’t working.

I still spoke to him every day – it had been a week since I left New York and he called me a million times each day to talk. We were supposedly following my new plan, which was to be friends first and see what happened next. I needed time to trust him and he just hadn't given me that, so we were walking or talking on eggshells with one another. Take that back – I was walking on eggshells around him, trying hard not to give him too much hope. He'd betrayed my trust when he was talking with Britney at the same party I was at, in my opinion, and I wasn't ready to forgive and forget yet. There was too much water under the Britney bridge, as far as I was concerned.

But he swore to me, on his mother's life – which was not something he took lightly – that he felt nothing for Britney anymore and wanted me back more than ever. That made me sit up and take notice but I didn't feel strong enough to see him yet. I wanted to know that I was with someone that I could trust completely. Not for a month, or a few months, but period. I needed to know that we could be apart I wouldn't be wondering if she was there.

Anyway, I'd spent the last week listening to that song and a few others that were morose as well, trying to figure out what to do. God knows I missed him like crazy. I had gone into Sasha's new business and done a few things but all the time my mind was on him in one way or another. If I would just say the word, he would've flown in right away or had me come to him in a second but something was holding me back. Knowing that he's actually slept with someone else, actually done the deed, so to speak, made everything change. I just couldn't trust him, which was the bottom line.

So three I was, lying on the couch in the music room, thinking about him and our relationship when the doorbell rang. Thinking it was Dave or Sasha or Jen, who was still home on Christmas break, I got up and meandered over to the door. Imagine my surprise to open it and find Justin and Mike, both beaming at me.

“Baby girl!” Mike exclaimed, pushing his way past Justin and picking me up, swinging me around. I was just as happy to see him – h hadn't done anything to me, after all – and I wrapped my arms around him tight.

“Mike!” I exclaimed back. “What are you guys doing here?”

He put me back down on my feet and stepped back so I could see Justin. “We came because of me,” Justin said quietly. Standing there in his North Face jacket. “I figured that we've been apart enough … not we need to try to be together again.”

“This is where I make myself scarce.” Mike said, then picked up his duffel bad and walked behind me into the family room, where I was sure he settle in quite comfortably.

I shook my head. “You deified my wishes, Justin,” I said, almost angrily, but I was too glad to see him to be rally angry. “You knew I wanted more time apart.”

“Time apart isn't doing us any good,” he said almost as angrily as me. “We're supposed to be together, not hundreds of miles apart for a silly reason. Do you think I'd go through all this, you not talking to me and leaving Hawaii, if I didn't love only you? Britney was right there and yeah, I could've had her if I wanted her, but I didn't want her. Ask anyone who was there and they'll tell you how upset she was. But I didn't care. I was more upset than she was because I wanted you and no one else,” he finished, shivering. “Now … can I come in? It's freezing out here”.

It was very old so I stepped back and let him in. Still mad that he'd ignored my wishes, I stalked into the music room and curled back up onto the sofa. He dropped his duffel bag and followed me in there, taking off his jacked and tossing it onto a chair. “What're you doing?”

“Listening to music.”

“Tara, come on. Talk to me. I flew all the way here, can't I get some props for that?”

“I didn't ask you to come,” I reminded him. “This was all your big idea. I'm sure you and Mike can entertain yourselves. I'm not in a company mood.”

Just then Mike appeared in the doorway. “Tara, you got any snacks or anything? I'm starving!”

Justin shot him a dirty look for interrupting while I smiled. Same old Mike. “Check out the kitchen and the pantry,” I told him. There's stuff in both of those places to make sandwiches and there’s chips and stuff.”

He disappeared again while Justin scowled at me. “What?” I asked innocently, not knowing why he was so mad.

“Why're you being so nice to him and so mean to me?” He sounded genuinely hurt.

I sat up straighter on the couch. “Mike isn't my boyfriend who cheated on me with a girl I despise,” I reminded him. You, on the other hand, are that person. Or were.”

He sat down on the couch next to me. “So I'm not your boyfriend anymore?” he asked. What a stupid question, I thought. Then I said it.

“That's a stupid question,” I answered. “I told you we were on a break – just like last time. We're free to do whatever or whomever we want. Nobody has any claim to anybody right now.”

He leaned over me and I could smell his cologne. God, my anger was slowly evaporating just at the sight of his face. … I needed some kryptonite or something to protect myself against him. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle right into him that very second, but I held myself back.

“Are you dating someone else, T?” he asked quietly, ready to burst a blood vessel. I laughed.

“No, Justin. It's only been a week since we broke up or whatever. I don't work that fast. How about you? You seeing anyone special that we both know?” I just had to throw that in there.

He sighed and reached out to grab my hand with his warm one. “No, T. All I’ve been doing is working on the CD. We finished it,” he said excitedly, clutching my hand even tighter. “WE even figured out the name of it and everything!”

Forgetting that I was angry with him, I sat up straight. “You did? Where is it? I want to hear it all, right now,” I told him and he went over to his bag and pulled out a copy of the CD. “Here … I'll put it on,” he told me and I waited like a kid on Christmas day. They'd worked so hard on that CD by themselves with no help from a record company or anything. I knew it would be good; they’d poured their heart and soul into that CD.

It started playing and I began jumping up and down, so excited for him. Of course 'Bye, Bye, Bye' was first, which I loved.

“This is the first single, Justin told me. “See, we had this idea about us being led along like puppets by Fat Lou, and so ...” ad he told me about their puppets and the cover for their CD and even about the new video they were going to shoot soon. He even asked me if I wanted to be in the video, which of course, I declined. No need to expose my face to millions of girls. I didn't like the few of them who knew me already.

We listened to the rest of the CD with me exclaiming over each track, making comments and Justin explaining the way they did things. I was so proud and happy for them – they'd finally signed a contract with Jive, managed to keep their own name, and had this awesome product to put out.

“You guys will beat the Backstreet Boys' CD in sales the first week.,” I proclaimed and he looked a little worried.

“Do you really think so? They sold over a million in their first week,” he told me. “That's a lot of fucking records.”

I shook my head. “Doesn't matter. Your fans are insane. They're all talking about buying, like, five or six copies to make sure you beat the record on the Internet.”

He looked more hopeful. “That's what JC said,” he replied. He really needed to start surfing the Internet more. “But I don't want to get my hopes up yet.”

I pushed his shoulder. “Remember when you guys did 'Bye, Bye, Bye' at that awards show last fall? People are still freaking out over that, trying to get copies of it and everything. Your CD has some serious buzz, J. I'm really proud of you.”

He reached over and, mimicking m action, pushed my shoulder lightly. “You are?” His eyes were still hopeful.

“Yes! I may be mad at you but I would never lie about this. This CD is great.” There were one or two cuts that I didn't care for much but it was such a huge leap from their first CD that I didn't care. And I would've never told him anyway; I'd never hurt his feelings on purpose.

Just then a song with a pretty melody began playing and he looked at me. “Remember this?” he asked, grinning. I listened hard and thought back to the time he and JC had played the piano in my house.

“Is this … is this my song?” I asked excitedly, standing up, ready to jump up and down again. “You put my song on the record?”

He nodded and grinned all at once. “Yep … it's just for you,” he told me and I melted. I had forgotten all about the song with all the drama going on and here it was, so pretty and sweet. “I mean every word I wrote on it, too.” he told me.

“Shhh! Let me listen,” I told him, and sat back down on the couch where he joined me, very close. I laid my head on his shoulder and listened to the words, loving eery minute of it. The words were beautiful. All about how much he loved the girl and would always be good to her and there for her. “Do you really mean those words, J?”

“Yep,” he said quietly, taking my hand again. “Everyone one of them … they're all for you.”

The CD finally ended with us just sitting as we were, with him right up against me on the couch and my head on his shoulder. I didn't know what to do next.

My anger was gone and replaced by the same deep feelings of love that I'd always had for him. Sure, he had slept with Britney but he was right – we were on a break. Not that it was a good break, neither of us knew what the other was doing … but somehow I believed him when he said he was really drunk (which I had seen many times before_ and just ended up in that situation because he was hurt. Heck, I'd hugged and lain on Dave more times than I could count during the break and come quite close to kissing him on several occasions. Maybe it was time for me to end the stalemate and try again. Sasha and Jen would call me crazy but it was something I needed to do … I loved him, after all.

So I turned my head up to his and smiled. “Thank you, J. That's the best present I ever got/” And it was true; no one had ever written a song for me, much less put it on a CD that was going to be distributed to millions of people.

Our lips were less than an inch apart. “I love you baby … how many times do I have to tell you?” he brushed his lips against mine, making me quiver. “I'll show you over and over again if you just give me the chance. I'll love you like you've never been loved before.”

The words were like an aphrodisiac; my whole body turned how and all I wanted was for him to kiss me. So I reached up and pulled his lips down towards me for a blinding, searing kiss that left both of us breathless.

“Does this mean we're back together?” he asked, sliding his arm around me and pulling me onto his lap where I could feel his hardness against me.

I smiled. “Yes, you doofus,” I laughed. “I think so … as long as you never give me caused to worry about you and … anyone else.”

“You won't have to worry,” he said seriously, his eyes turning that dark midnight blue that they did whenever he was feeling passionate. And boy, was he feeling passionate at that moment. “There's no one for me but you, T.” He brought his lips back to mine and we kissed and kissed until the whole world got fuzzy and I almost forgot where I was. When I felt his hands slipping underneath my t-shirt, I finally came back to life.

“Not her ...” I whispered. “Upstairs. Mike's here, remember?” He groaned ans stood up, then pulled me up against him for some more kissing.

“God, I missed you,” he whispered against my lips. “Don't ever leave me again, okay? Promise me, Tara.”

“Don't ever give me a reason to,” I said more realistically. I had learned with Justin to keep one foot firmly planed on the ground. No more head in the clouds Tara.

He turned around and bent over. “What're you doing? I asked, laughing. He was so silly.

“Hop on, you know the drill,” he answered, making me laugh harder. But I climbed on and let him take me upstairs to my Heavenly Bed.

And then he took me to heaven in a whole different way. Sliding my clothes off, he lay me down on the bed to watch as he undressed quickly. Then he joined me and our warm bodies slid together in a way that they hadn't in too long of a time. He kissed me, every inch of me like he wanted to memorize my body. I had no problem with that, and did a little memorizing myself. Finally it was too much; I pulled him up to me and whispered, “Now, Justin.”

“Is everything okay with the pill?” he asked me just before he slip inside of me.

I nodded and pulled him into me, closing my eyes in ecstasy as he did the same. We instinctively moved together as one, completely in unison as if the breakup had never happened.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear as I came over and over again.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back as I waited for his release. When it came he buried his head in my neck and wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he could, not wanting to let one inch of me go. I could understand that.

Unlike Lauryn Hill's song, I wasn't ready to let go of him either.