December 21, 2011

I cared about what she thought, because we’d been best friends since we were two.  So when she dared me, I knew I was in trouble.

I knew I couldn’t turn back without some serious repercussions.  She even said it could be my Christmas gift to her.  I usually get her a cute sweater or some perfume, but this year, I guess she wants to see me make a fool out of myself instead.

“Dara,” she hissed, motioning me to come down the dark hallway where she stood against the wall.  “Dara!”

I sighed, and looked back over my shoulder.  The venue was completely packed, and I knew I should have been at the top of the stairs, like Patrick had positioned me much earlier in the evening.  A dozen rabid girls had probably snuck down to the floor seats due to my absence, ducking behind chairs and standing along the railing at the sides of the floor, trying to blend in and not look like seat jumpers.  I could get fired for my little stunt...not that it mattered. Losing a minimum wage job didn’t matter, I wasn’t concerned about that.

But, I was concerned about getting arrested.

“Would you come on!”

When I looked back at my best friend, she was retreating further down the long hallway.  I looked around for any sign of our security comrades for several desperate seconds, wishing like hell that Eva wasn’t so good at paying people off and getting her way.  But, I guess that’s what rich daddies are for.  I told her she should have just persuaded him to get us backstage in a way that was legal.

Then she smiled and said that would take all the fun out of it.

It’s well known that I’ve had a crush on Justin Timberlake since I saw him dancing in shiny baby blue swish pants on the Disney Channel when I was fifteen. Eva thought I was lame as hell, as boy bands were never her thing, but she’s always said ‘that Chris dude is interesting’. She’s the total opposite of me.  Her favorite band has and always will be Green Day.  She’s met that guy...Billy Joe? About a hundred times.  It’s gotten to the point that whenever the band comes out to Los Angeles, there’s a pair of free tickets and backstage passes left for her at the box office.  She goes to their after parties, and he even treated her to the Grammy’s one year.  I envy her in a way.  She’s practically friends with the guy, while the only reason I’ve been able to get a front row view of Justin Timberlake, has been because I’ve groveled at the feet of my supervisor every time NSYNC or his own solo tour rolled into town.

But tonight, Eva said things are going to change.

Tonight...she’s getting me much closer to Justin Timberlake than the front row.

It’s not because I’ve begged her for it.  I didn’t even mention wanting to meet him tonight.  I only told her I was excited to see Justin perform again, since it had been a while.  But, because she knows nothing exciting ever happens to me, she concocted this little scheme to get him and I in the same room.  I told her I was okay with the way my life is, that I was too nervous to be that close to Justin.  Once Eva gets an idea in her head though, there’s no going back.

I follow along behind her slowly and really, really reluctantly.  What the fuck are we even doing? People could lose their jobs over this for fucks sake, and for what? So I can sneak up on Justin and proclaim my undying love for him?  First off, I’m way too timid for that shit, and secondly...why the fuck would he even give me a second glance when he’s dated the most beautiful women in Hollywood?

This isn’t going to work.  I’m turning back.

“That’s it.”

A hand has latched onto my arm, and I gasp as I’m yanked forward, nearly tripping over my own two feet in the dimly lit hallway.  “Eva!” I hiss at her.  “Did you ever stop and think...”  I pause so I can catch my breath as I’m pulled along even faster.  “That this is a bad, not to mention stalkerish, idea?”

“You need to live a little.  Your parents are in fucking Gaza, and they’ve been there almost five years.  You’re way past the legal age to do what you want, and you need to stop following whatever rules they try to make you abide by over the phone.”  She says it to me softly but firmly, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder, before finally smiling at me again.  “He’s seen the world, and been surrounded by a million people all his life.  He’s used to this, and besides...I feel that you and I are very civilized women.  I’m telling you girl, we’ll blend right in.  Besides, we’re not exactly “sneaking backstage.”  I made arrangements.  We just have to be discreet, that’s all.”

I roll my eyes.  I’m not going to ask.

We’ve stopped right by the entrance to the backstage area.  There’s a door that reads ‘Authorized Staff Only’ to our left, and I know...I know once we get through that door we could run into anybody, including Justin himself.  “Eva...I dunno.”

“Look, I gave Christian and Geoffery six hundred bucks to make this work out.  I mean, come on Dara, you turned twenty six this year, and Christmas is in a few days.  You only live once, and who knows? What if you end up getting the ultimate Christmas gift? A merry Christmas fuck from Justin Timberlake?”

I roll my eyes again.  “Somehow I doubt that will happen, considering I’m me and he’s him...”

“Just shut up.”  She reaches into her purse, pulls out two lanyards with laminated passes attached to them, and presses one of them into my hand.  “Put this on.”

I look at it, being able to tell right away that it’s indeed authentic, and my mouth drops open. “All Access? Eva...how the fuck...what did you do?”

“Don’t ask me how,” she huffs.  “It wasn’t pretty, but it’s done now.”  She drapes her lanyard around her neck, flips her hair into place, and smiles.  “You ready to meet your hunk of burnin’ love?”

I just stare at her, my eyes wide, my mouth and throat quickly becoming dry like the Sahara.  “No,” I shake my head rapidly.  “No...”

“Take off your staff shirt!” She exclaims, only realizing I’m still in my work clothes now.  “I hope you wore something decent underneath.”

I sigh.  It was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done, picking out a top to wear tonight.  I haven’t dressed up in years.  I think my prom might have been the last time, because in reality, I hate dressing excessively girly.  I think that’s because I lived differently than most children, growing up.  My parents are scientists, and I spent half of my childhood overseas with them while they worked.  My clothes were always simple, because I was outdoors so much, exploring my surroundings, so I wouldn’t get bored to death.  I pull off my red Staples Center Staff shirt, revealing the simple tunic underneath.  It’s pink with some flowers on it.  I pray to god that Eva doesn’t think it’s lame.

“Cleavage,” Eva raises and lowers her eyebrows as she grabs my wadded up shirt from me and throws it someplace into the darkness of the hallway.  “Very nice.”

I pull up on the shirt so my cleavage is a little less revealing, and whimper a little. “Eva, this is stupid.  I look like a fool and my hair isn’t cooperating.”

She shrugs and slowly turns the doorknob before smiling at me again.  “Well, it’s too late to change anything now.”

Before I can get another word out, she’s pulled the door open and pushed me through it.  I flinch harshly when I hear it slam behind us, and freeze when I find that we are directly behind the stage.

“Don’t act excited,” Eva warns me.  “Just pretend like you know exactly where you’re going, okay?”

“I hear his guards have tasered people before,” I mention, as I begin to walk off to the right with her.  “I really can’t afford to have my brains fried so close to Christmas.  What would my parents do?  They’re not even in the country, and you know how they hate it when I bother them.”

“You’re way too paranoid,” she says quietly, as we pass by a few stage hands who smile and say hello to us.  “What’s good guys!” She happily replies.  “Keep up the good work!”

I want to run and hide.  Run and hide right now.

We turn a corner, run into a dozen more people who simply smile at us and don’t question why we’re wandering around backstage, and I begin to wonder who in their right mind would have given Eva two all access passes on a whim.  I should probably ask her what she did, but...I really don’t think I want to know.  

We make our way down another long, empty hallway, and I have no idea how the hell she knows where she’s going.  But, knowing Eva, she probably got a map of this area last weekend, and studied it until she memorized it.  She’s crazy that way, but then I remember that she’s done this all for me.  She’s risked going to jail for trespassing simply so I can meet a man I’ve lusted after like a stupid kid for nearly twelve years.  I realize how important it is that I go with the flow right now, and so, I let out a long breath and simply continue to walk with her.

After rounding yet another corner, I realize we’ve hit a dead end.  There are a few dressing rooms scattered around this hallway, shrouded in privacy with thick black curtains, shielding their counterparts from the outside world.  I already know that this is where Justin has been designated, and I feel my stomach begin to turn.  “Eva...”

“Hold on,” she hisses, waving me away with her hand as she pulls out her cellphone and dials a number, smiling mischievously as she holds it up to her ear.  “Hey, it’s Eva from the other day. Yep, we found our way.  No, nobody said anything.  Okay, see you.”

I stare at her stupidly as she flips her phone closed.  “Would you mind telling me what the hell you’re doing?”

“Okay so...” Her eyes wander to the draped off rooms for several moments before she continues on.  “I was snooping around out back the other day, remember...when soundcheck was going on?”

I roll my eyes and cross my arms.  “Yeah, when you wanted me to run down and try to sneak into the dressing rooms?”

She giggles.  “It was a decent idea.”

“Clearly not.”

“Anyway,” she continues.  “I managed to persuade this security guard to let me hang around inside the venue, and he gave me these passes.”

r32;“Persuaded, Eva?”

She laughs.  “Look, I told you it wasn’t pretty.”

“You...you’re really terrible.”

“I know,” she accepts.  “Look, it was worth the effort, Dar.  I ended up meeting this guy, and we got to talking...”

“Is there a point to this?” I mutter.

“He’s Justin’s best friend.” Her eyes fill with excitement.  

“That Trace Ayala guy?”

She shrugs.  “I think that’s his name. We were kind of...too busy for all that getting to know you stuff.”

“Oh my God, Eva.  Tell me you didn’t.”

She laughs at me.

Jesus Christ.

“Hey there.”

We both turn around at the sound of the new voice, and sure enough, there he stands. It’s funny, he really is as short as everybody says he is, but he does look like Justin a little bit.  I’ve never really cared about Justin’s entourage, but I am a fan of the William Rast clothing line Trace and Justin designed together, even though I could never afford anything they make on my crappy salary.  My parents have money.  Lots of it, but asking them for a pair is out of the question too.  They don’t believe in commercial anything.  When I lived with them, we didn’t even have a TV.  I retained all of my pop culture knowledge through the internet, and by watching TV at Eva’s house.

Thank God for her family.  I’d be even more of a freak if they hadn’t taken me in my sophomore year of high school.

“Hey.”  Eva smiles at him casually, and he pulls her into a hug like he’s known her forever.  

“Thought you would get lost,” he chuckles.

“I have some Indian blood in me,” she tells him, once they pull back from one another.  “It’s kind of like a built in GPS or something, that’s what my grandfather tells me.”

“Good thing.  If you guys ran into security your asses woulda got tossed out of here.”

“Thank goodness for small miracles,” Eva whispers as I continue to stare.

“So...who’s your girl? Is this your friend you told me about?”  

Trace is staring at me now, seemingly trying to read me with his eyes, figure me out, and I’m not sure if I like it.

“Yeah, this is Dara, my ride or die bitch,” Eva says with a slight cackle, and nudges me a little.  

“Really?” Trace snickers.  “Sounds interesting.”

“Tell him how interesting you are, Dara,” Eva pushes.

“Um...” I run a shaking hand through my hair as the knot in my stomach grows even larger.  “I guess I’m...you know...”

“Trace where...oh...”

I’ve been saved from humiliation by the heavenly creature in the doorway, but I’m not able to feel any more relieved.  Justin Timberlake is staring at us like we’re aliens, and Trace seems slightly uncomfortable that he’s caught us like this.

“When did I invite people here?” Justin cocks his head to the side.  “I just kicked everybody out.  I’m going on soon.”

“You remember J...I said I had some friends coming in tonight,” Trace quickly explains.  “This is Eva,” he motions to her and smiles.  “And this is...um...”

“It’s Dara,” I say, the annoyance in my voice slipping out.

Justin glares at us a little.  “I’m not doing pictures.  I did charity meet and greet four hours ago.  Where were you then?”

The only thing I can think is, what an asshole.

“Would you get out of your own ass,” Trace grunts at him.  “It’s not like that.”

His eyes shift from us to Trace and then back again before he speaks up.  “You girls drink?”

“Sure,” Eva says with a smirk.

Justin disappears behind the curtain, like the Wizard of Oz.  My best friend begins to strike up a conversation with Trace, and I follow them blindly into the room, having no clue what I’m in store for, but having the oddest feeling that it’s going to be anything but pleasant.

December 22, 2011

“I just don’t understand why we can’t talk about this.  I mean, I’m looking past the bad shit and the things that were said.  You should do the same.”

I sigh, rub my eyes as I stare down into my bowl of cereal.  She’s been pulling this shit for a week, and right now, she’s pushing the hardest she ever has.  My mother got to her, convinced her that our relationship was special and that sometimes I just get “confused.”  Maybe I do, but when it comes to Jessica Biel, everything is crystal fucking clear.

I can’t be with her.  Not anymore.

I tried to get my point across at the club last night.  We texted for the longest time, and all she kept saying was ‘give us another chance.’

Give what another chance? Me being miserable? Her being completely self centered? Sitting through dinner with her, trying to pretend I don’t know how the pap’s found out where we made reservations?  I’m not stupid.  She calls them so she can get her name in the media.  I feel like her little pawn.

That’s not the way I want to be perceived.  It’s bullshit.  I was with her to be with her...not to broaden her fuckin’ career.

It pisses me off.  It’s making me angry after an amusing evening, and I don’t want to feel this way. We’re going to leave for Memphis in a few hours.  I want this trip to be relaxing, not two days worth of stressing about Jessica and how my mother feels about our split.

‘It’s over, Jess. How many times do I have to say it? It’s been over for a long time.”

“I got greedy.  You know how this business is, Justin.  You act like I don’t regret it.”

“You sabotaged our relationship.  You might as well have fucked somebody else.”

“You’re so fucking cynical.”

“Hang up.” Trace rolls his eyes as he whispers the words to me.  “Cut ‘er off before she spoils somethin’.”

“Your mom invited me to Christmas.  Did she tell you?”

I slowly pick my head up, and stare at Trace, feeling my eyes widen as I do it.  “No.  She didn’t tell me a thing.”

“What?” He mouths.

“Well, I’ll be there, and we’re going to talk whether you want to or not.  We’ve been together seven years, Justin.  You can’t just...avoid me.”

“Jess, c’mon, please don’t.”

“Take your little road trip and get your act together.  I’ll see you on Saturday.”

She hangs up.

Fuck. Me.

“What was all that about?” Trace slowly sits down across from me, his expression grim.  

He knows this is anything but good.

“There’s gonna be an extra place set at Christmas supper.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“My mom invited her.”

“You want me to have my mom call her?”

“Why? You know how my mom is.  She’s gonna get her way in the end.”

Trace nods.

He knows all about it, because our mothers raised us together.

Now, Christmas is going to suck.

I almost don’t want to go, but know that I don’t have a choice.  My family is expecting me to show up, and if I bail, I’ll never hear the end of it.  My grandfather will go on and on about how he’s getting older and ‘might not have that many holidays left,’ and my grandmother will just ignore me for a month.  I couldn’t handle that.  I respect and love them too much.

Jess knows that too, and that’s why she’s doing this.  She knows I’ll show, come hell or high water.

“What does she think you’re gonna do?” He laughs.  “Get back with her?”

“She’s hoping.”

“Well, that’s dumb.  ‘Cause you’re not.”

I’m silent.  Can’t look at him.

“Justin.”

“Hm.”r32;

“You’re can’t let her lure you back.  That’ll be three times.”

He’s right.

I don’t know what the fuck my problem is.  It’s like, I can’t say no to her.  Maybe it’s because this will be my third long term relationship that’s failed, if I let her go.  I hate to think that it’s the truth, so I’ve taken her back over and over again even though I knew she would continue to pull her stupid shit.  This was supposed to be the last straw but...it’s just not.  I’m starting to question myself.  Do I care about her? Love her? r32;
Maybe I do.  Maybe I should just settle because my love life isn’t going anywhere otherwise.  Jessica might be the best I can do.  She’s the only one who doesn’t complain when I give her an attitude, and that’s saying a lot.  I’m a moody bastard.

And last night, I took my attitude out on the wrong person.

She’s cool.  I mean, for a fan.  She’s not like I expected, calmer around me than I thought she’d be.  I was able to talk to her.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to talk to a girl that isn’t related to me.  I never talk to fans, really.  Most of the time, they can’t talk to me like a normal person.  They get that deer in headlights look about them, ramble some form of ‘can we take a picture,’ smile after it’s done, and scurry away.  I’ve come to expect it as routine, and yeah, from time to time I meet the amusing fan or two.

But Dara is...different.  She’s not like the rest.  She stands out in my mind, and I know if things weren’t complicated, we could be friends.  But, they are complicated.  I’m busy, and she wouldn’t get it.  No girl outside the business does.  I know, I tried to date outside the spectrum, but the relationship failed after a month.  I just wasn’t around enough to make it last.  It sucks, I’d like to date outside of the business.  Those women are a little more genuine, and don’t have the paparazzi on speed dial.

“Just ignore her, that’s all,” Trace suggests.

I dig my spoon into the cereal and stir it around.  “Yeah, like she won’t throw herself at me the first chance she gets.”

“Want me to talk to her?” He grins, devilishly.

Trace can’t stand her.  That fact has been known to me since the first month of our relationship.  From the beginning, he always told me something was off with her, that he didn’t like her.  I blew it off as nothing, but now, I wish I hadn’t.  “You’re sick, I can’t have you doing that.”

“You just know I’d make up somethin’ awesome.”

“Or something that would get us slapped by our mommas.”

He shrugs.  “It’s what I’m famous for.”

“We better get going.  I wanna get to the first motel by sundown,” I tell him.

“Cool.  I already put some stuff in the Jeep this morning.”

“W-where are the girls?”

He smirks slightly.  “Last I knew Dara was trying to get Eva sober enough to take a shower.”

“How’d you meet them anyway?”

“Eva was lurking around the venue.  She’s pretty hot, you saw...big boobs, killer body, nice ass.  We got to talking, that’s all.”

I narrow my eyes at him and laugh.  “Tell me you didn’t do it in my dressing room.”

“Nah.” He shakes his head.  “Fucked ‘er in the car.”

“Reliving your glory days?”

“I was horny, and she needed a favor.  Who was I to turn her down?  Besides, you’re thankful.  I know you enjoyed Dara’s company last night.”

I look back down at my cereal, frowning when I realize it’s gotten too soggy for me to eat.  “How much do you know about her?”

“I wasn’t exactly asking Eva about her friends,” he laughs.  “Why?”

I don’t answer him.

“Justin?”

“She’s just...cool,” I finally admit.  “I thought you might know somethin’ about her.”

“You were the one who was talking to her.  If you’re asking me if I think she’s crazy, the answer is no.  She’s fine.  I wouldn’t have let her sleep here otherwise.”

I know that part.  I was only hoping Trace might have found something out about Dara’s love life.  I tried to be sneaky and find out if she had a boyfriend, but I failed miserably.  Not that it matters, she didn’t seem to mind that I asked her.  But why is she single? That’s always been a deciding factor before I’ve gotten into a relationship.  “She’s single,” I point out.

“And?”

I look up at him, and find that he’s staring at me.  “I dunno.”

“You like this girl,” he sits back and smiles as he folds his hands behind his head.  “You do.”

“I don’t...like her, necessarily.  She’s just easy to talk to.”

“Bull.  You can’t lie to me.”

He’s right.  

“I can put a good word in for you.  I’m sure she’s willing to fuck you, if that’s...”

“I’m not after that.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

“She doesn’t seem like the type that would, that’s all.”

“It’s the timid ones you gotta watch out for.  She could be one of those crazy bondage chicks.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Well, she obviously lives in LA.  Get her number and call her after the holiday.”

“Who knows what’s going to happen after the holiday?”

“Well that’s on you if you go back with Biel.  I can’t control what your stupid ass does.”

I sigh harshly.  Right now I’m sitting here, convinced that I won’t take her back, but I know the moment I see her and she puts her arms around me, I’ll melt away again.  She has this power over me, probably because she’s so damn hot, and uses it to her advantage whenever our relationship is in a big ass rut.  I hate to love her, but I can’t help myself.

“Morning.”

I look up, and see them standing there.  Well, more like Dara is standing there, helping her friend to do the same.  Eva’s real hungover, still half asleep, and I quickly get up to pull a chair out.  I can feel Trace’s eyes digging into me, probably because he knows I’m suddenly smitten by Dara, and it’s ridiculous.  She and I help get Eva down into the chair, and she groans a little before laying her head down on my table.  

“It’ll pass,” Trace reassures Eva.  “You know it will.”

r32;r32;“I hate everything,” Eva responds.

I finally glance at Dara.  She’s smirking slightly, probably thinks that Eva is getting what she deserves for acting out last night.  It’s the same way I feel when Trace gets stupid drunk, and for the first time, we both have something in common.  “Did you sleep okay?”

“I did,” Dara nods.  “We’ll leave soon, if you don’t mind dropping us at Staples so I can get my car.”

“Sure.”  I say it with regret.  

I’d like to hang out with her today.

But Trace and I have plans, and while it sucks, I can’t interrupt my life for somebody I barely know.

“So, when are you guys driving down? Eva was telling me her mom lives in Memphis,” Trace say it to Dara as she busies herself with pouring her friend a glass of juice.  

“Later this morning, I guess, if this one isn’t throwing up her life,” Dara laughs and forces Eva to sit up.  “Drink this.”

“No,” she whines.

“I will seriously slap you.”

She listens after that.

“That’s a long drive for just the two of you,” Trace continues.  

“We’ll manage.  We’re big girls.”

“What if you guys carpool with us?” He suggests.

I snap to attention, stare at him.  What the hell is he doing? I mean, Dara is cool but...no.  This is our trip, and I have enough on my mind without being horny the entire time.

Fuck, I just admitted that I want her.

I can’t do this to myself.  It’s Christmas.

“I...don’t think so,” Dara laughs.

“Why?” Trace asks.  “I think we’d have a good time.  We’re going to the same place, practically.  You could consider it an environmentally friendly trip.”

“You just want her,” Dara motions to her friend, who has gone back to laying her head on the table.  “Don’t try to swindle me, Trace.”

He smiles.  “I guarantee you won’t regret it.”

Then she looks at me.

Oh God.

“Trace, stop,” I say all too quickly.  “They can’t.”

“Hey, it’s your loss.”  He laughs gently and gets up from the table.  “I’m gonna get the rest of my shit together, J.  Meet me at the car in twenty.”

“Fine,” I grit out.

He slaps me on the back and smiles at Dara.  “It was nice to meet you.  I hope you have a kick ass holiday.”

She sighs.  “Likewise.”

They don’t shake hands, and he’s still smiling to himself as he walks out of the kitchen.

“Is he nuts?” Dara asks me after a moment.

“Pretty much, yeah.  You haven’t even seen him that drunk.”

“Thank God for that.”

I laugh.

Awkward silence ensues.

“Well um...I have all our stuff together, and I threw those pajamas you lent us in the hamper.  Hope that’s okay.”

I nod.  “Fine.”

“So...whenever you’re ready I guess.”

“You’re so lame, Dara,” Eva speaks up.  “We should just ride with them.”

I chuckle.

“Shut up, would you?”  She says it over her shoulder before looking back at me again.  “Sorry...”

“Hey, I get it.  It would be awkward...I guess...”r32;

“Yeah...very awkward.”

We stare at each other.

Something is just...there.  I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel like if I spent a couple of days with her things would be completely different between us.  

“We’ll see you in the car.”  She quickly turns away from me and yanks Eva to her feet.  

“Dara!” Eva whines.

“We gotta go.”  She walks briskly past me then, dragging her friend with her.  I hear the door open and close a few minutes later, and I know she’s gone out to the car.

My shoulders sag in defeat.

I’m letting her go.  I don’t want to.  Trace is right, I guess I do like her.

But it’s a pipe dream.  We’re too different, and I’d feel terrible if we started something and it ended badly.  It’s better to leave things as they are, and maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to see her again one day.  For now, I’ll focus on the moment, on my family, and letting this thing with Biel run its course.

“I can’t fucking believe you.”

I press my lips together, refusing to look at my best friend.  My gaze remains fixed on the road, and I’m hoping that she’ll lay off the longer I continue to drive in silence.

“I mean, they invited us on their road trip, Dara! Did you see the way Justin was looking at you?”

“He wasn’t looking at me any way.”

“Uh, yeah he was.  He wants to fuck you.”

“Really? Could you be any more vulgar?” I roll my eyes.  “Just because you still want to fuck his friend doesn’t mean...”

“Hey, I’m trying to help you.  This isn’t about Trace.  We’re not getting serious or anything. He’s a nice guy, but not really my type.  We messed around, and that my friend, was for your benefit, not mine.”

She says it so strongly and sternly that I have to look over at her.  It’s been hours, and her hangover has subsided quite a bit.  That means she has a good grip on her ideas, on her memories of last night.  Right now, all she wants to do is convince me that invading Justin Timberlake’s road trip home is a great idea.

But it’s not.  It’s a fucking weird, awkward idea, and I won’t subject myself to it.

In fact, I’d like to forget last night happened at all.

It was too much, waking up this morning, knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to him with no regrets.  If I tried, if I pushed hard at the friendship, I know it would only be harder when he let me down, forgot to call me because he got too caught up in his lifestyle.  It’s just unrealistic, the idea of him and I, and it always will be.

“I still say you should call him.  I have Trace’s number. I’m sure he’d connect you.”

I roll my eyes.  “Can we just get on with our lives now? It was awesome, Eva.  I appreciate everything you did, I do, but now we have to face reality.  Reality...is that Justin Timberlake is Justin Timberlake, and I am Dara Chambers, normal girl from LA.  How about I just buy you your share of drinks tonight, and we forget all about this?  We’ll be even.”

“I hate your parents,” she mutters.

“Now what?”

“They just...sucked all the drive out of you.  If you were more like me, you’d never let him go so easy.”

“We’re not soul mates, Eva.  Get over it.”

“Damn it.  You just don’t get it, do you? You’re too naive to get it.  You’re not around guys enough, I guess.”

“I’m around guys.”

“Dee, come on.  The security guards at Staples don’t count.”

I sigh.  Okay, so I’ve only dated one guy. In high school.  For a month...

I’m still a virgin at twenty six.  It’s not that I don’t want to date, I do, but my parents discouraged it so much when I was in high school that I never really learned how to act around a guy.  It stuck, unfortunately.  

I hate when she rubs it in my face like this.

“You and Justin had a connection.  Trace even noticed it.  He was asking me a little more about you this morning you know, when you had to go back into the house to get something.”

I eye her slightly.  “Trace was?”r32;

The excited smile appears on her face again.  “He wanted to know why you were single.  Believe me, he wasn’t asking for his own sake.  Justin probably put a bug in his ear.”

I nearly swerve as I turn my head to look at her, but catch myself in time.  “So what did you tell him?”

“That you were too hot to handle.”

“Eva!”

She throws her head back and cackles.  “Come on Dee!  Did you expect me to tell him the truth?”

“No.  I would never expect that from you.”  I frown harshly and put all my attention back on the road.

“It’s not the worst thing in the world.”

“You act like they’re a couple of guys we picked up at a bar.”

“You need to stop putting Justin up on a pedestal.  Once you get that celebrity shit out of your system, things will start to make more sense.  Something about you got to him last night.  Obviously, you were acting like a normal human being when you were alone with him.  He could talk to you, connect with you.  Seriously Dee, opportunities don’t come up like this all that often.  You have to take them when you can.  Look at Justin.  He was in a boy band and worked his way up in the industry.  Now people actually respect him.  He took the opportunities that were presented to him, even if he had to embarrass himself along the way.”

“NSYNC was more than just a boy band,” I defend, ignoring the subject at hand.

“Oh my God, you are so ridiculous,” she groans.  “I’m done.  Seriously done with this conversation.”r32;

“Great! So am I!”

We drive on in silence for hours.  She’s pissed, but I don’t care, because I am too.  The sun begins to set over the horizon, darkness falls, and I feel my stomach begin to growl.  We’re in New Mexico, and I refer to the notes and map that Eva and I made before our trip, pinpointing the destinations we would be staying at over night.  The motel and restaurant we chose are ten miles away, and I sigh with relief.  I know I need to get out of this car and away from her for a little while if we have any hopes of having an enjoyable trip.

I pull in to the motel parking lot twenty minutes later.  I can already tell it’s dingy, but it’s cheap, and cheap is good.  “I’ll go check us in if you want to start unloading the bags, Eva.”

She barely acknowledges me.

I huff harshly and push my door open, practically stomping all the way to the tiny office.  Once inside, I find myself smiling just slightly.  It’s dingy, dirty, gives you that, ‘living with the masses’ type of feel.  Justin would love it here.

But why am I thinking about him?

“You ready then?”  

The man at the desk is staring me down impatiently, and I swallow hard as I approach him.  I can hear a little TV set blaring softly behind him, and the buzz of an air conditioner is constant off in the distance, but other than that there is no sound at all.  It’s a little creepy, and as I give him the information required to check in, I start to second guess our decision to stay here.  

“Well, no shit.  I thought it was you.”

Oh no.

I glance over my shoulder.  Pray that I’m wrong.

Trace is standing there, smiling at me like I’ve just made his entire year.

Really? Here? Now?

Why?

“What’re you doing here?” I mutter.

“I’d ask you the same thing,” he laughs and steps up next to me, watching me sign the credit card slip as if it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen.  “Did y’all just get here?”

“Mhm.”

“What’d you take the long route? We’ve been here for hours.”

“I dunno.”  I slide the slip back across the counter, nodding a little in thanks when I’m given the key to our room.  “I took the way that we mapped out.”

“So those Indian traits of Eva’s didn’t work in your favor?”r32;
“Apparently not, because you’re here.”  I say it as I walk away, but of course I hear him following right behind me as I push my way out the door.

“What’s your room number?”r32;

“Does it matter?” I finally whirl around to look at him, once I’m certain Eva isn’t close by.  “We’re leaving bright and early.”

“So? We’re getting a pizza and some beer.  You guys can join in.”

“No...no thanks.  We’re okay.”

I start walking again.

“You know, you’re trying really hard to avoid him.  I don’t get it, personally.”

“Goodbye Trace!”

“Hey, I’m just saying...”  He catches up to me and he’s walking directly beside me now.  “The guy likes you.”

“He doesn’t like me.”

“You’re telling me I’m wrong?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.”

“I’ve known him since the womb.  You should trust me.”

I stop, turn, and narrow my eyes at him.  That damn smirk of his just won’t go away, and I begin to wonder if anything can intimidate this guy.  “I’m not interested, okay? Last night was just...weird, but whatever.  Justin has his life, I have mine, and that’s the end of the story.”

“I just thought, you know, it’s funny that you’re both single and sort of had a connection last night.  Justin is never single long enough to meet a girl with a better personality than a brick wall.  I just think it sucks that you won’t give it a chance and neither will he.”

“Give what a chance?  We talked, that’s all.  You and Eva are taking it way out of context, and I can only assume it’s because you were both drunk.”

“Why are you single?”

I stare at him.  “That’s a little personal.”

“Well, there must be a reason.  Justin is because he dates women who are only out for their own benefit.  What’s your story?”

I can’t believe this.  “I just am, that’s all.”

“Thought you were too hot to handle?”

“And if Eva told you she was running for president would you believe her too?”

He laughs.

“Have a nice trip, and if you don’t mind, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell your friend that you ran into me.”

“No promises!” He calls it back to me as I walk away from him again.

That means Justin will be notified of this situation within the next ten minutes.  Then those two will play scavenger hunt trying to find our room, and when they do, Eva won’t let us leave their side.

We have to leave.  Right now.

I meet Eva back at the car a few minutes later.  She has our bags at her feet, separated between mine and hers.  I feel bad for this, but there’s no choice.  “Bedbug outbreak.  We have to leave.”

She smiles at me.  “Too late.”

My mouth drops open.

“Trace texted me like two minutes ago,” she laughs.  “We’re not going anywhere.”

“Eva, please,” I whine, as she snatches the key from me, picks up the two bags, and makes a beeline for the rooms.  “I can’t...I can’t do this.”

“Nope, sorry,” she refuses.  “Dara, don’t you think it’s uncanny that we’d be at the same motel as them?”

“It’s close to the highway.”

“So are a dozen other places,” she laughs.  “Could you plea-ase stop being so frightened of life for five minutes and take it all in? We’re in the middle of nowhere, and two hot men want us to come to their room, have pizza, drink beer, and play cards with them until the wee hours of the morning.  Now, I don’t know about you, but that sounds a lot better than ‘getting a good nights sleep.’

She unlocks the door, and pushes her way into the room.  I follow, stand there staring at her while she throws a suitcase open and starts to change into one of her many skimpy outfits.  Short skirt, low cut top, flip flops.  She’s out for sex tonight, but that’s nothing new.

 “So go then.  You know where I’ll be.”  I sit down on the bed and cross my arms.

“Dara, really?”  She rolls her eyes and stands before me, hands on her hips.  “Come on.”

“I’m staying.”

“What if Justin wants to touch my boobs?”

“Um, do whatever you want?”

She laughs.  “How about I send him over here to touch yours?”

I flop face down into the flat pillows. “Just go!”

“It’s such a sad life you lead, Dee.”

The door slams.

Thank God.

14

The number is there, in front of my face, slapping me, laughing at me, telling me that I’m a pussy, that I can’t knock, that I’m too much of a chicken shit.

Okay, so, I like her.  I’m admitting it.

But that doesn’t mean I can go through with this.

“Truth or Dare?” Eva smiled, as Trace held her in his arms.

I hated the game.  I hadn’t played since I was a teenager, but we were having a good time, so I figured...what the hell?  Eva is a cool person to be around.  She’s full of life, and laughter, perfect for Trace, really.  Somebody I could see myself being friends with, because she doesn’t care who I am and I can tell she never has.

“Dare.” I said, with a smirk.

Eva clapped her hands.  “Okay.  I want you to go to our room, and grab Dara’s boobs.  Don’t come back until you’re done.  We can wait.”

My eyes widened.

Trace was laughing.  

I knew they’d been plotting it all along.  Trace is a fuck.  He knew I’d pick dare.

“Do you want me to get slapped across the face?”

“Dara is too timid for that,” Eva pointed out.  “You’ll be okay.”

“You say that now and then I’ll have bruised balls for Christmas.”

“Hey, get goin’,” Trace spoke up and rose to his feet so he could push me to the door.  “You know the rules.  You can’t back down from a dare.”

I sighed harshly as he pushed the door open, and pushed me through it seconds later.  “This isn’t middle school.  I can do whatever I want.”

“You know I’ll bug the shit out of you about this until the day you die, if you bail.  See you in a few...hours.”  

He smirked and winked at me.

I frowned.

The door slammed in my face, and I tried to get back in, but the fuck had locked me out.  I could hear them laughing on the other side as I yelled for them to let me back in.  I was so pissed.

Despite that, I still trudged over to her room, determined not to let Trace get the best of me.  

Now I’m standing here, like a dope, not even able to knock on her door because I’m scared.

Scared of a woman.  

I don’t think I’ve been this fearful of my feelings since Britney.

I’m not even gonna go there.

“Jesus!”

“Oh...”  

My eyes go wide as I stare back at her.  She’s in nothing but a little white tank top and some pajama bottoms, ice bucket tucked under her arm, and I realize she must think I’m stalking her.  Funny, me stalking her.  I would think it would be the other way around.    “...hi.”

“What the hell are you doing?” She says it impatiently as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other.  “Did they put you up to this?”

“I...”

“Just go back.”  She pushes past me and starts to walk the few feet over to the ice machine, shoving the bucket underneath it as she punches the button to make it dispense.  “Tell them I said to leave me alone.”

I shove my hands in my pockets and bite down on my lip, not being able to stop myself from studying her as she stands there, filling up her bucket.  I guess it was too dark last night for me to notice, but right now, in the light, and because she’s wearing such thin layers of clothing, I can tell that...I like her body.  Her figure is toned, and slender.  It tells me she works out, runs, definitely my type right off the bat.  I love to work out with my girlfriends.  It gives us a chance to talk and catch up with what’s going on in our lives.  I’m so busy, sometimes it will be the only chance I have to really spend time with them.  

Her...ass is nice too.  It’s not too tiny, and not too big.  Just right.  Just enough for me to grab onto while we’re in bed...

“Justin.”

I snap out of it.  “Huh?”

“Could you stop staring at me, please? You’re freaking me out.”r32;

“Sorry.”  My face is burning as I look down at my sneakers.  

“Are you high or something?”

“No.”

I feel her walk briskly past me, and it’s the only reason why I’m able to look up again.  I’m just in time to see her retreating further and further away from me, and I don’t know why, but something inside forces me to follow behind her.  “Hey, wait up, would you?”

“Why?” She pauses at the door and pushes it open, before looking back at me.  “What is it that you need? To fulfill some kind of dare Trace gave you? Get on with it then.”

“I doubt you’d want me to do that,” I laugh.  “How about we just hang out for a bit.  Something tells me that our counterparts have started to do interesting things back in my hotel room, that I don’t want to bare witness to.”

“Hey, that’s your problem,” she chuckles.  “I have a room.”

“Come on.” I say it gently and smile.

She stares at me.  It’s the deer in the headlights look but...it’s not the same one I’ve come to expect from my fans.  This one is because she’s confused.  She doesn’t know why this is happening, how we ended up at the same dingy ass motel on the same night, and she also doesn’t know how I feel about her, or how she feels about me.

But, the feeling is mutual.  

“Are you going to buy me pizza?”

“Naturally,” I laugh.

“Then...”  She sucks in a breath, as if she’s going to hate what comes next.  “Fine. Come on.”

She walks inside, leaving me standing there staring after her.  

Really?

Was it really that simple?  

I guess so, and all that tells me is...she’s liked me all along, even though she’s still trying her best to hide those feelings from me.  I have no idea what’s about to happen, but the night is so young that I know...

I know anything can.
**************
December 23, 2011

3 am

“Why are you so good at this?”

She takes a long guzzle out of the beer can and grins at me.  “Because I’ve had more hours of practice time than anybody I know.”

Mario jumps around the screen, triumphantly, because he’s made it through the last level of the game.

Dara can conquer Super Mario Brothers 3 in just under two hours.  It’s so lame, but it amazes the hell out of me.

“I told you I could do it,” she laughs, and reaches out to shut the game and TV off.  “You didn’t believe me.  Now you have to pay.”

“Fine.”  I groan and reach into my pocket, producing the thing she asked me for early on in the evening.  “But you better give me a hit.”

She holds the blunt in her hands and stares at it for a few moments, seemingly confused.  “I’ve never done this. I always thought...”

“Drugs is bad?” I say in a stupid voice.

She rolls her eyes.  “Maybe.”

I shrug.  “It’s relaxing.  You’ll be fine.  Sometimes you have to just kick back and be a little bit of a badass, Dara.”

She just stares at it.

I laugh a little as I produce a lighter from my pocket.  “So, where’d you get all that extra time to practice?”

“Like I said, I traveled a lot when I was young.  My parents left me in the hotel room every chance they got, so I occupied myself with video games.”

I nod a little.  I get it.  I mean, while I didn’t live the same life as her, I still know what it’s like to be trapped in a hotel room or on a bus for hours on end.  “I used to kick ass at Sonic.  It’s been years since I’ve played.”r32;

“Down with Sega.  Seriously, Nintendo will always be the best.”

“I made them put a Sega system in the bus when we were over in Europe.”  I sink down beside her on the floor, and take the blunt out of her hands so I can light it for us.  “Chris and Joey absolutely hated it.”

“They wanted Nintendo?” She narrows her eyes.

“Yeah, but when you’re the youngest out of the group and your momma is on the bus you tend to get your way,” I laugh.

“You’re a brat.”

I shrug.  “I’m thirty.  You can’t call me a brat now, I’m too old.”

“You’re still a brat,” she chuckles as she finishes her beer.  “I don’t care how old you are.”
r32;

“So if I’m a brat what are you?”  I light the blunt and take a few hits, letting the smoke sit inside my chest for a moment or two before breathing it out slowly and passing it to her.  

“Nobody.”  She says it quickly before raising the blunt to her lips.

“What’d you mean?” I stare up at the ceiling as I ask, letting the effect of the drug sink in.  

“I’m just...you know...”  

She trails off and I’m sure it’s because she’s trying to take her hits.  I look over at her, watch her do it, and laugh my ass off when she starts choking on the smoke.  “You gonna be okay there, first timer?”

“I...I-I’m...”  She continues to cough for a few more moments, making sure to pass me the blunt so she won’t drop it.  “I-I’ll be f-fine.”

I just laugh harder and take some more hits.  She doesn’t ask me for any more, either, and I can tell that this type of thing isn’t for her.  That’s okay though.  It’s a little cute to me, in fact.  I’ve never met a girl as straight edge as her.  All of my girlfriends have been into the stuff, just like me.  It’s a little nice, actually.  Maybe she can teach me a thing or two about living my life without using party drugs.  

I’ll try to focus on that when I’m not so high.

“So what was that you said?” I put what’s left of the blunt down in an ashtray and do my best to focus on her again.  “You’re nobody?”

“It’s just the way I feel about myself.”

“Is it your folks that make you feel that way?”

She’s silent.

I know the answer is yes.

“You shouldn’t let them do that.  I mean, I know it must be hard taking their attitudes all the time.  I’m close with my mom but she can get on my case a lot about my love life.  I do my best not to let it get to me.”

“At least you’re not a disappointment.”

I stare at her.  She’s a little drunk from the six pack of beers we split, and I’m sure the smoke went right to her head.  I know she’s confessing a lot to me right now that she would normally cover up.  I shouldn’t take advantage, and I know that, but at the same time I’m so curious.  She’s a great girl.  I’ve known that from the moment I came down off my throne and talked to her.  Why would her parents not think the same way?  

I don’t get it.

“They think you’re a disappointment?”

“Basically.  It’s mostly why I live at Eva’s.  They figured out I wasn’t the genius they wanted me to be when I was high school, and left me behind.”

“That can’t be the only reason why.  Maybe they thought you...”

“It is the reason.  I think I would know.”

She sounds angry.  I guess she has every right to be though.  “Sorry,” I whisper.

“You don’t need to be.  It’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault that they’re fucking terrible parents.”  

“If I tried harder...”

“Dara, are you hearing yourself?”

I stare at her and she stares right back at me.  I feel tingles running up and down my spine and I know...I know I’m making a connection with her, and she’s making the same one with me.  Even though we’re a little messed up, our emotions are as real as ever.  

I don’t know what’s happening.

But I do know that...I don’t want to leave her tonight, or tomorrow...

I don’t know when I want to leave her side, in fact.

And that’s bad.

“I’m just saying...” she begins.

“Look, I know we just met and everything, but...you’re a cool girl,” I nod.  “I wouldn’t just say that.  You...you shouldn’t let them make you feel that way, you know? It’s not right.  You have a lot going for you, you’re a good person, and if they can’t see that, they’re the stupid ones.”

She laughs.  “Why do you care?”

I lick my lips and lean in closer to her.  “I just...I dunno.  It’s just something about you.  You’re gettin’ to me, I guess.”

A soft smile creeps onto her face.  “I got to you? Mr. Sunshine himself?”

“Yeah.  Imagine that.”  I laugh softly, close my eyes...

Our lips brush against each others.  Then my hand is on her neck, pulling her closer to me so I can deepen our kiss.  Her mouth opens wider, allowing my tongue to wander inside, and I kiss her harder, stronger.  My lips travel from her mouth to her neck, and my hands begin to reach for the bottom of her shirt...tugging it up slightly so I can reach underneath...up to her bra...

“Justin...”  She sighs against me.

I don’t stop touching her.  Then my hands are there, on her covered breasts, and I know what’s coming next.

“Justin.”  

She pushes my hands away as they begin to pull down on her bra straps.  I just stare at her, confused.  “Did I...do something wrong?”

“No, I...”  She pulls her shirt down and runs a hand through her hair.

She looks terrified.

“Hey.” I whisper.  “Dara...you don’t have to do this.  I get it.”

“I just...I’ve never...done this before.”

“What?” I laugh.  “Made out with a stranger?”

“I mean I’ve...”  She presses her lips together and shakes her head.  “I’ve never slept with anybody before.”

Oh damn.

Oh fuck.

I get it.  I totally get it now.  “Shit, I had no idea.”  I blurt it out quickly and jump to my feet.

She stays there, on the floor, staring up at me with sad eyes.  “Well, it doesn’t mean you have to go...”

“It’s just getting weird.”r32;r32;

“Oh.”  She looks down at the floor.

I know how horrible she must feel, but hell, I’m not about to sit here and take this girls virginity.  Not tonight.  Not during the Christmas holiday.  That would be entirely too fucked up, considering I might not see her again after this.  I may do a lot of stupid, fucked up things in my life, but this is one thing I don’t want to do.  I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I did.

“HEY!!”

I jump and Dara shrieks as the door bursts open.  Trace and Eva are standing in the entrance to the room, roaring with laughter.  I frown immediately and begin to wonder how long they were standing on the other side of the door, trying to listen in on us.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I bark.

“We wanted to see what became of the dare,” Trace grins.

“Did Justin touch your boobs, Dara?” Eva asks.

She says nothing.  Her face is bright red, and before I know it, she’s gone into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

I stare at the two people in front of me, feeling the rage burning inside of my body.  I push myself to my feet next and storm over to where they’re standing, still laughing, holding each other for support.  “Why...why the hell would you just...”

“Come on, Justin,” Trace laughs.  “It was funny.  I wish you could have seen the look on your face.  You two were all cozy and shit, and with my weed too.  I wanted payback.”

“I’ll give you fucking payback.”

“Boys.”  Eva steps in-between us and smiles.  “Now come on, lets play nice.”

I don’t bother.

I just walk out.

Fuck, what the hell was I doing back there? She got to me? Really? Did I really just confess that to her?

What is she going to think now? Or tomorrow?

It’s not like I can be with her, and that means I shouldn’t have touched her at all.  I know that she’s sensitive, that she’ll be hurt if I tell her we can’t take this thing between us any further.

I’m never going to see her again once we take off in the morning, anyway, so rejecting her is the only option.  She’ll be confused, sure, and I’ll feel like shit the rest of the way to Memphis.  I never intended to kiss her, touch her, or say the things I said to her, but I didn’t think, as always, and if she hadn’t stopped me...I would have fucked her up even more.

I felt bad for her, because nobody deserves to be treated like her parents treat her.  That mixed with the undeniable attraction I have for her caused me to lose myself...

I hate it, but I want to go back and touch her some more.

It just felt right, sick as it is.

Shit, my walls are crumbling for this girl.

I can’t afford to feel this way.  Not for a girl I barely know, especially when I have so much waiting for me in Memphis.  

I have to figure out a way to get her out of my system, even if I don’t want to.

The only solution is to leave, turn my back on her...

Without saying goodbye.

December 23, 2011

6pm

I spent the rest of the night on the bathroom floor, refusing to come out and talk to Eva, even though she was pleading with me to do it.  I was too embarrassed, too tipsy, too upset to bother.  

Justin kissed me.

It filled me up with this crazy feeling of exhilaration and amazement that one can only feel when they’ve found somebody that truly understands them.  Time seemed to stand still during those precious seconds that his lips were pressed against mine. I forgot the world, and my problems.

I felt happy, really happy, for the first time in quite awhile.  I felt like I mattered, like somebody...special, actually cared about me.

But then it started to progress and...

I guess I got scared.  I shouldn’t have been, but it started to hit me so hard that I’d never done anything like that before.

I was afraid things would go badly in the end, so I stopped him, and told him the truth.

It freaked him the hell out, but why wouldn’t it?  I’m in my mid twenties, and still a virgin.  That’s completely pathetic, and I had no business being physical with Justin in the first place.

I led him on.

I guess that’s why they were gone this morning.

He didn’t even say goodbye.

I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.  Deep down, I expected this to happen.  He was alone with me in the room on a dare more than anything.  I was sure Trace and Eva had put him up to something, and when they came bursting into the room, it proved my theory well.  I felt like a fool and it’s better that we don’t see each other again.

As if that wasn’t enough to make me feel like shit for the rest of the holiday season, my parents decided to give me a call this morning.  Eva had finally gotten me out of the bathroom by banging on the door loudly and shouting obscenities through it, and continued to drag me out into the main room so she could take a shower, not hesitating to tell me that I was going to ‘tell her everything’ once we were on the road again.

I was dreading it.  I knew she would tell me I was lame, and afraid of everything.  That I’d blown a good opportunity.  I started to think that Justin was more than just an ‘opportunity’ though.  As foggy as my mind had been due to the alcohol and small amount of pot I’d taken in, I knew that we shared a connection.  I could see him differently than Eva could.  I could see that person that rarely came out of him.

The person that was longing to simply be Justin, and nobody else.

Then my phone rang.  For a moment I had an inkling of hope that he might have been calling to tell me he was sorry, but then I looked at the ID and frowned.  It wasn’t Justin.  It was the last person I wanted to talk to.

“Hello, Mother.” I said it in my best ‘good girl’ voice, as I always did.

“Happy Holidays, dear,” she droned.  “Your father and I wanted to check on you.  Eva’s father sent us an email saying that you two were traveling to see Megan for the holiday?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You haven’t been doing anything irresponsible, I hope.”

The truth was, it was the most rebellious I’d probably ever been, and normally, I would have been too scared to lie to her.  My mother had always intimidated me.  But in that moment, I didn’t seem to care.  I had let go, listened to Justin a little bit.  He showed me that I should have been living my life a little bit better, and the feeling of his lips on my skin proved to me that I was letting my life pass me by, because my parents were miserable people.  I wasn’t being fair to myself.

And even though he was gone, I knew he’d left me with the ultimate Christmas gift.

He’d given me courage.

“We’re fine,” I said.  “We’re having a good time.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m twenty six.  What do you think it means?”

“I beg your pardon, young lady?”

I rolled my eyes.  “Mom.”

“I want an explanation, Dara.  Right now.  Your father wants one as well.  What are you doing? Are you drinking?  I know your lack of intelligence would probably point you in the direction of that kind of behavior.  We understand, and can help you.  Now...this is what you need to do...”

Once again, she was talking to me like I was mentally retarded.  It sickened me, but I found that I could laugh about it, strange as it was. “It’s Christmas.  Naturally, I’m drinking.  Eva and I even got filmed for Girls Gone Wild, the Christmas edition.”

“Dara!”

“Merry fucking Christmas.  Maybe I’ll see you around sometime, you know, when you finally realize that you have a daughter.”

I hung up, and smiled.  There were tears in my eyes.  

It felt so damn good.

I wanted to tell Justin all about it...but I couldn’t.

That made me sad again.

Eva drove for the next part of our trip, rambling on and on about how she knew something happened when Justin and I were alone.  I finally told her, because I knew if I didn’t she’d never shut up about it.  I winced as I retold the story, figuring she would berate me and call me pathetic, but she didn’t do that.  She was quiet for a while after I told her, seemed to be thinking long and hard about what happened.

“He respects you,” she finally told me.  “If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have freaked out.”

“He thinks I’m pathetic,” I scoffed.  “He ran away.”

“He’s a guy.  That’s what they do.  I’m not saying its an excuse, I’m mad at him too.  He should have at least said goodbye, but he ran Trace out of the motel this morning like they were running from the police or something.  I barely got to say goodbye to him.”

“You said you didn’t care about Trace like that.”

She just smirked.  “I don’t...care...we’re just good friends now, I guess.”

I rolled my eyes.  She was in denial, and I knew that meant she was starting to fall for him.  “Sure.”

“You know, Dar...I kind of respect you for not letting him do it.”

My eyes widened.  It was completely out of character for her.  Since the beginning of our twenties, Eva made it her mission to hook me up with some random guy so I could rid myself of ‘the horrors of virginity.’  “Are you the same person?”

She laughed.  “I mean it.  Anybody else would have just gone ahead and fucked him.  I know that I act like it doesn’t phase me, but he is a superstar, Dara.  You’re a lot different from most women.  Maybe that’s the biggest reason he left.  You might have gotten into his core real deep.  A guy like Justin...he doesn’t know how to handle something like that.  I’m willing to bet most of the women he’s been with, have been superficial and completely into themselves.  You have a good heart girl, and if this thing is meant to be...you’ll see him again.”

“I don’t want to see him.  I’m done with the Hollywood scene.  It’s way too fast paced for me.”

“So what are you gonna do? Continue to sit around and listen to me tell you stories of better one night stands gone by?”

“It’s safer for me that way.”

“You know...” She trailed off and gripped the steering wheel tighter.  “I think I might start calming down after the holiday.”

“You?” I scoffed.

“Yeah...you know, just start to take it easy and try to find a good guy.”

I knew it then.  Trace had totally gotten to her, and I was sure whatever conversations they shared when they were alone had started to change her wild ways just a bit.  I could tell from the moment I met Trace Ayala that he was a little wild, and it meant that once...he had been even more wild.  But, he’d gotten older, turned thirty, and was ready to start slowing himself down.

He was exactly what Eva needed.

“So when are you going to call him?” I smirked.

She laughed.  “I dunno.  He said something about seeing me for New Years.”

“You should go.  It’s obvious that you’re hot for each other.”

“Slow your roll.  It depends on what my mom wants to do.”

She smiled as she said it.

I knew it was done.  They were going to move on, date, regardless if Justin and I spoke again.  I tried to be happy for her...

But it was hard.

I still had a huge sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me that something wasn’t right, that Justin was the missing link.  I hated to believe it, but it was true, insane as that was.  He was the man I lusted after, for years, and after finally meeting him, it was more than apparent we had a connection.  We shared similar interests, knew what it was like to be travel around and be bored and lonely as hell.  We could talk too...about anything, and listen to each other.

That was so important, especially for somebody as closed off as me.

“I don’t know why she’s not answering.”

Eva drove all day, and made good time.  She ended up getting a kick ass short cut from Trace via text on the way through Arkansas.  Now, we’re an hour out from Memphis, and Eva hasn’t been able to stop smiling with the thought that she’s going to be seeing her mother tonight rather than tomorrow.  Damn that Trace, I don’t want to like him, but at the moment, I can’t help but be thankful for him.  He’s making my best friend happy, and even if I can’t feel as happy as Eva, it’s still enough to leave me satisfied this Christmas.

“Maybe she’s just out.  She’s not expecting you tonight.”

She shrugs and places her cell phone down in the cup holder.  I see the brilliant sparkle in her eyes begin to fade.

I know she’s worried.

I’m praying that Megan isn’t up to her usual tricks.  Not for Christmas, and not when Eva has made this much of an effort to see her.

We stop for gas as we cross over the Tennessee border.  Eva starts to get more distraught as I pump the gas for us.  Megan still isn’t answering the phone.  I can’t deny that I know what this means.

It means she probably won’t be at the house when we get there.

“She’s probably just asleep.”  Eva laughs as I take over the drivers seat for us.  “She’s like me.  She can sleep through anything.”

I smile at my best friend slightly, trying to stay positive for her.  Right now, Eva is desperately trying to convince herself that Megan hasn’t run off somewhere for the holiday.  It sucks, so bad, and the worst part is, there’s nothing I can do to make things right if that’s the case.  I can’t bring her mother back here, just like she can’t make my parents love me for who I am.

If Megan has skipped town it will mean all we’ll have is each other for the holiday, and that will have to suffice.  We’ll make it work though.  She’s gotten me through so much in my life, and now, it’s my turn to be here for her.

“It’s number forty three.”

Megan lives in Bartlett, a suburb of Memphis.  It’s a sleepy little town. Small and quaint, a world away from the busy city of Los Angeles that she left behind.  I turn down the street that Eva points out to me and hold my breath as I slowly guide the car past the first few houses, until I see the right number.  It’s a cute little yellow house in the middle of the block, and if the lights were on inside and outside, I’m sure it would seem a lot more welcoming.

But they’re not on.

The house is dark and the driveway is vacant.

I sigh as I slow to a stop in front of the place.  “Eva...”r32;

“She must be inside.  Her car is probably in the shop or something,” she laughs nervously.

I press my lips together.

“Pull into the driveway,” she smiles.

“But...”r32;

“Just...just do it,” she says quickly.  “Okay?”

I just nod, and do as she asks of me.  I turn the engine off once the car is settled in the driveway and we sit in silence for a few moments.  Eva tries to call her mother, and her shoulders sag in defeat when the call goes unanswered yet again.

“I guess I’ll go knock,” she whispers, and slowly begins to remove her seatbelt.

“Do you want me to come?”

She just shrugs, and pushes the door open.  I sit there, watching as she makes her way up the porch steps, and opens the screen door to knock.  Something flutters to the ground when she opens it though, and instead of knock, Eva picks it up instead.  It’s a letter of some kind.

I already know what this means.

I get out of the car as Eva stands on the porch and reads the letter, slowly approaching her so as not to set her off.  “What is it?” I whisper, once I get close enough.

“She um...met somebody.”  Eva slowly sits down on the first porch step, not removing her gaze from the piece of paper.  “He took her to Paris.”

I sit down next to her, feeling the fury boiling inside of me.  How could Megan do this? Why wouldn’t she have called? It’s so fucked up.  Why do our parents have to be so messed up and uncaring? We didn’t choose to be their kids, they brought that burden upon themselves.  “Is she coming back?”

“She said that she’ll call, but probably won’t be back until after the New Year.  She left a key under the mat.”  She finally slaps the letter down beside her.  “Oh well, right?”

“You can admit that you’re upset, Eve.”

“Why should I be? I’m happy for her.  She should be living an exciting life, you know? I can handle being second best.”  

She runs her hands through her hair, and when she looks back up at me, her face is read and tearstained.

“C’mon.”  I put my arm around her shoulders, and she finally allows herself to lean her head on my shoulder.  Eva isn’t an emotional person.  She tries to bottle it all up, and I guess that’s more to protect herself than anything else.  Right now though, I know she’s so dissappointed that she can’t help but break down.  “I know this sucks, Eva.  You don’t have to pretend like everything is okay.”

“Why doesn’t she love me, Dara?”

She’s sobbing now, and I do my best to rub her shoulder consolingly.  “She does.  She just...doesn’t take responsibility.  She never has, you know that.”

“I thought driving down here would show her how much I wanted to see her.  I...I wasted time,” she sobs.  “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.  We had fun driving here, right?”

“Mhmm.”  

“We can still have fun, you know.  It’s still early.  Maybe we can get settled in, eat a little something, and go out.”

“You actually want to go out?” She scoffs.

“Hey, I may be timid most of the time, but you’ve rubbed off on me a little bit over the years.  I know how to party, and I’ve had plenty of experience this trip.”

“I guess we could go down to Beale Street,” she whimpers and sniffles as she says it.  “I’d like to get so drunk that I don’t remember my mother at all by the end of the night.”

“As long as you don’t throw up on me, I’m okay with that,” I smile.

She smiles too.

December 24, 2011

12 am

“Seriously, no, I never said that.  Turner and Hooch were not like the Odd Couple.  They were more like Beavis and Butthead.”

Trace, my cousin Rachael, and our other counterparts crack up over Jessica’s comment.

I’m the only one who isn’t laughing, despite the fact that my arm is draped around her shoulders like I’ve never been more in love.  Trace meets my gaze, and his smile fades.  He was only laughing to blend in.

In reality, he hates the fact that she’s here with our group, but he’s trying to be my best friend right now and respect my decision.  I’m grateful for that, but I know I’m gonna get an earful from him at some point.

I’m an idiot, a fucking pushover.  It happened exactly like I thought it would.  We got to the house, Trace spent ten minutes lecturing me on why I shouldn’t give Biel the time of day.  Then we went into the house, and were bombarded by our families.  My dad and I spent a few minutes catching up.  He’s the easy one.  The one that doesn’t pressure me about the shit that happens in my life.  I think I could have talked to him for the rest of the evening, but then my grandparents pulled me aside in an ‘oh my lord we never see you anymore, thank God it’s Christmas, when are you getting married’ spiel for about twenty five minutes.  Then my mother decided to lecture me on a few...business related items...

Okay so, I probably should have been paying attention.

But it’s not like anything crazy happened.

“You were scooped with some strange woman outside of a club.”  She sighed harshly and planted the tabloid article in my face.  “I should slap you, but it’s Christmas.  Who is she?”

I stared at Dara’s picture.  She was gazing at me with a sly smile on her face as we stood against that building together.  I admit, I looked like a fucking asshole with the hoodie and sunglasses.  I should have left them off.  I think it was more obvious who I was with them on.  “She’s just a friend.”r32;

“Oh.” She flashed me a displeased smile.  “They’re all just friends, baby.”

She knew me too well.  “It’s not a big deal, momma.”  I put on my best little boy face for her as I threw an arm over her shoulders.  “You know how the press is.”

“Maybe, but you have priorities.  I expect you to be a little more sensible at this stage of your life.  Sonya is pissed and so is Johnny.”

I kissed her cheek.  “Momma, come on.  So I had some fun?  You know how it is.”

She rolled her eyes at me, but kissed mine back.  “I hate that you’re so cute sometimes. If you weren’t my only child, I doubt I’d get over things so easily.”

“I’ll make it better.  You’re gonna freak out when you see what I got you for Christmas.”

She glared at me, but it didn’t last long.  “Don’t think you’re gettin’ off so easy, boy.  You’re gonna help me with the family party tomorrow night, you got it?”

I knew I’d get out of it.  The rest of the family would ensure that, and my mom would be too busy to notice that I’d snuck away to watch TV and drink beer with Trace and the other men who would be occupying the house.  Still, I flashed her my most promising grin, determined not to give her any idea about my plan.  “Absolutely.”

She swatted my shoulder.  “Brat.”
r32;

“Hey!” I held my arms out at my sides.  “What’d I do?”

“I know that look.”  She pointed an accusing finger at me.  “Just know that I’m going to be firm with you this weekend, baby.”

“All right,” I laughed, still not believing her.  “That’s fine, momma.”

She stroked my cheek lovingly after that.  “Besides business, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something else.”

I cocked my head to the side.  “What?”

“Are we okay?”r32;

I stared at her for a moment, not completely sure what she was getting at, but having a good idea what it was.  “I guess so.”

“Lately, I feel like we haven’t been able to talk like we used to.”

She was right, but at the same time she was my momma, the one woman in the world that I would do anything to keep from getting hurt.  “It’s just been busy back in LA, that’s all.”

“I know that’s not true.”

I sighed and leaned back against the counter, looking down at my feet for a few moments before finally mustering up the courage to look her in the eye and tell her the truth.  “I guess sometimes...I wish you would act more like my mother, that’s all.”

“You don’t think that I do?”

“Come on, momma,” I laughed.  “You know that we’ve been best buds my whole life.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothin...” I trailed off and stepped forward so I could place a reassuring hand on her shoulder.  “It’s just that...sometimes, I’d feel better if you didn’t try so hard to be my friend, that’s all.”

“This is about that party at Jason’s isn’t it?”

I rolled my eyes.  “That’s part of it.”

“I thought you liked being able to party with your momma,” she laughed.  “When did you suddenly become so mature, Justin?”

“I just...”

“So I won’t come to the parties anymore,” she snapped.  “If that’s what you want.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“You are.  You’d rather I just left you alone to do your thing.  That’s fine.  I can find other things to do.”

“Momma...”

“Just forget it.”  She stepped back from me and forced a smile.  “Why don’t you go on and hang out with Trace and the rest of them?”

I knew I’d upset her then.  It sucked...but at the same time, maybe it was what she needed to hear, even if it hurt her.  “You know that I love you, momma.”

“And I love you.”

She walked away, a hand covering her mouth.

I knew she was going to need some time with that, and I would give it to her.  As much as she needed.  I just hoped it wouldn’t effect the Christmas Day we were going to be sharing together.  

I was alone in the kitchen then, and immediately, I was drawn to the tabloid paper that my mother had placed down on my grandparents kitchen table.  I stared at Dara again, for the longest time, remembering what had happened between us, and how I really felt about it, about her.  Trace and I talked about it briefly once we escaped the motel in New Mexico, but we didn’t dwell on the subject.  Once I told him the truth about what went down between Dara and I, he seemed to get it right away, told me to ‘stay away from that trouble,’ like I knew he would.  I know he’s going to keep in touch with Eva of course.  It doesn’t surprise me, because they connected so well, and seem to like each other a lot.  It might work out for him.  He might escape his engagement curse after all, and that’s fine by me, because I’ve come to like that girl.  I think I could consider her a friend now.

But Dara...

I was afraid of her.  It was stupid and ridiculous but the more I stared at that picture of us, the more I realized that I wanted to see her again, talk to her again.  I wanted to spend some real, quality time with her, discover everything about her that I hadn’t found out yet.

I wanted to take her to dinner, and kiss her again, just us...in a regular setting, without the aid of the peanut gallery in the background.  Things would be different then, I could take my time with her, and that’s what she needed.  Something inside of me told me she was worth that too.

She was worth all of my time, and then some.

In that moment, I was ready to call Trace into the kitchen and beg him to get me in touch with her again.

But then...

“Hey J.”

I turned slightly, and our eyes met.  She was smiling gently, her cheeks flushed, because she probably felt like an idiot for saying all the things she said to me on the phone.  I felt my stomach turn.  I didn’t want to see her, but I was certain I wouldn’t be able to escape her with my family in the next room.  I put the paper down behind me quickly, and stepped in front of the spot so it would be hidden from view.  “Hey.”

“How was your trip?”

I smirked a little.  “Rejuvenating.”

She nodded slightly.  “Do you feel like talking?”

I didn’t say anything.  I knew what the answer was but...she looked amazing, and her smile was taking me over completely.  I couldn’t say no but I didn’t want to say yes either.  

“Justin,” she sighed harshly, before stepping up to me and taking one of my hands in hers.  “Babe, I’m sorry about everything.”

She’d done it one too many times with me in the past.  The situation was so familiar, and I knew exactly what I should have done...push her away and tell her I was done with her.  “I know.”

I was such an asshole.

“C’mon,” she smiled gently and pulled me closer to her.  “Can we just...start over, maybe?”

I sighed.  “Jess.”

“It’ll be different this time.  I promise.”

“No more photographers?”

“No.”  She reached up and stroked my face gently.  “I...Justin...sometimes I get so desperate for work, and you know how publicists are.  But I’m done with all of that.  I might even get out of the business and pursue something else.”

I wanted to laugh at her.  Pursue what? She was a leech, and nothing would ever change that.  I couldn’t say it though.  I couldn’t do anything else but smile at her.  “Okay,” I nodded.  “All right.”

She kissed me on the lips gently, and I found that I couldn’t help but kiss her back.  “I love you,” she whispered.

“Me too.”  

I couldn’t quite look at her, but she didn’t seem to care.  The only thing that mattered to Jess, I knew, was that she had me back.  It didn’t matter how I really felt about her.  The fact was, she didn’t have to be alone and could continue to benefit from our relationship as I agreed to be with her.

Like I said, I’m an idiot.  I took the easy way out, because I could break up with Jessica all I wanted, but she would never break up with me.  When we walked out into the living room together, holding hands, everybody seemed happy for us too.  Well, everybody except Trace, and my cousin Rachael, who knew what went on behind the scenes when it came to Jessica Biel.

“What happened to tabloid girl?” Rachael whispered into my ear a couple of hours later, as our group had decided to venture down to Beale Street to take part in some of the Christmas festivities.  “You seemed pretty cozy in that photograph.”

I looked around for Jessica, only to find that Trace had decided to distract her in a conversation.  I was sure it was their plan all along.  “I don’t know what you mean.  She was just some girl I met.  It’s not like I’m gonna see her again.”

“Justin, you can’t be serious about Biel.  It’s the third damn time you’ve taken her back.  I mean fuck, date anybody else.  Please.  Date a fan.  I don’t give a shit, just get rid of her, once and for all.”

I scowled.  “You don’t get it.”

“Oh I get it, all right. You’re a wimpy little pussy, too damn timid to take a risk because you dont want to get hurt.  Well, you know what? That’s how life works, Justin.  You should know that more than anybody else!”

“Hey!” I yelled it as she stormed away from me.  “Who the hell do you think you’re talkin’ to?”

“Its true!”

It told me that Trace had told her everything that happened on our journey to Memphis.  That meant she knew all about Dara, and the possibility that I had feelings for her.  I wanted to kill Trace, but knew I had to keep calm in front of my girlfriend.

“What’s her problem?” Jessica giggled as she came up beside me and looped her arm through mine.

“Guess it’s her time of the month.”

I got a laugh out of her, and it prompted me to smile, but then Trace walked past us with a couple of our other friends, and didn't hesitate to throw me a small glare.  He just...hated my decision, and I couldn’t blame him, but I felt there was nothing else I could do.  

I was trapped, and as we piled into the SUV, I could feel the walls Jessica Biel tended to form around us, closing in on me.  I was back in her world again, and this time, I was sure I would never get out of it again.  That mixed with the fact that I’d sort of hurt my mothers feelings was enough to make me want to crawl into bed with a bottle of booze for the rest of the holidays.  But...I was expected to do certain things, as always.  So I’ve been sitting here, while Jess tells her lame jokes to my friends, who have never liked her to begin with, hoping, by some miracle, that I’ll be able to have that Christmas I’ve been dreaming of for years.

The normal one.  The one where I’m treated like a regular Joe and not some fucking celebrity.

Our section has been roped off.  We’re at a bar that my family has frequented my whole life, but because there’s more tourists in town this time of year, they’ve forced us to have a section all to ourselves.  I guess I can understand, but it’s taking everything in me not to freak out right now.

“That mechanical bull looks interesting.”  Jessica points somewhere in the distance.

“You couldn’t handle it,” Rachael tells her.  

“Oh, yeah? I consider myself to be pretty diesel.”

She smiles at me.

I barely return it.

“C’mon, Biel.  Let’s see you in action then.”  Trace presses a button on his Blackberry and rises to his feet, flashing all of us a mischievous grin.

He’s up to something.

It can’t be good.

I should stop him.

“Come watch me,” she smirks, and tugs on my hand as she gets to her feet.

I glance at Trace, and he winks at me.  

Oh yeah, he’s definitely up to something, but I don’t say anything.

I guess I don’t want to, and all that tells me is that Rachael is right.  I don’t love this woman.  I’m just...scared.  I’m scared and I know who I’d rather be here with tonight.

But that’s impossible.

Our group leaves the roped off area, much to the dismay of the security guards that work for the bar.  They follow us over to the area where the mechanical bull sits, and I watch as my girlfriend cracks her knuckles and allows Trace to help her onto the thing.  I just stand there and watch stupidly.

Then I see Trace silently pull something up behind the bull.  It’s a large tub, filled with something.  I see Rachael laughing and whispering to our other friends.

Jessica is completely clueless.

Trace stares at me right before the bull is switched on, daring me to tell her.  

But I don’t say a word.

“Flip ‘er on!” Trace motions to the male staff member that controls the thing.

And he does it.

Jessica holds on where she’s supposed to, laughs as it starts to pick up speed, but before long I start to see the panic take over her expression.  It’s rough, a wild ride, that she wasn’t expecting.  I was on that thing once, when I was about seventeen, fell off after about five minutes, but it definitely wasn’t into a big vat of...whatever it is that Trace put there.  

It takes about two more minutes for her to be thrown off the thing.

And instead of landing on the padding surrounding the area, she falls right back into the vat of brown guck, shrieking when she realizes what’s happened.

Everybody is laughing at her, so damn hard.  Trace and Rachael, especially.  They’re clinging to each other for support, the tears streaming down their faces because it’s so hilarious to them.

I’m laughing too, trying my best not to look at her as I do, but it’s so hard.  I mean, she’s so pissed.  She’s fuming, dripping in watery brown guck.

And then...

Flash.

Flash.

Flash.

I look over my shoulder.

Paparazzi.

I gasp and look at my friends.  Trace has a smug smile on his face.  

He knew all along.

He knew she would do this, and got her back, in a big way.

“What...the...hell...happened?”  Jessica staggers to her feet, and takes a few towels from the staff member, who is so busy laughing he can barely look her in the eye as she grabs them from him.  “Who did this!”

Flash.

Oh man, the headlines.  I can just see them now.

“JUSTIN!”

I stare at her.  She’s covered in what I’m guessing is mud, but it looks more like diarrhea.  Shit, on Christmas weekend and all?

“WHO DID THIS!” She shrieks.

I shrug.

Trace dies with laughter.

Flash.

“Did you tell them where we were going tonight?” I ask her, as calmly as I can.

“Wh..what? I...I...didn’t...” she whimpers.

“You’re a fucking liar,” Trace tells her.  “I checked up on it, texted a few people.  You forget that we’re home, and know the press people in this town.  Guess you didn’t think about that huh?  You were too busy using Justin for your own benefit, like always.”

Her jaw drops open.

She’s been caught, red handed, and she knows it.  

I couldn’t ask for better friends, but now...I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.

“Why don’t you get a cab or something, Jessica,” Rachael offers.  “You can wait outside and pose for the photographers.  Extra publicity...” she cracks up.  “I know you love it.”

“You little bitch...” She staggers forward, dripping the brown sludge all over the place, ready to lunge at my cousin.

I hold her back.  “Go on.” I tell her, pushing her back slightly.  “Just get out of here.”

Her muddy lips begin to tremble.  “But...Justin...”

“Look, it’s over, okay?”  I laugh and shake my head.  “It is, Jess.  Come on.”

She hangs her head low, sniffles, but walks away from us after that.  My eyes follow her, and even though I know this is the best thing for me, I can’t help but feel a little lost now that she’s gone for good.  

“Well, that was fucking hilarious.”  Trace throws and arm around my shoulders.  “What a great way to kick off the holiday!”

“What was that stuff?”

“Chocolate puddin’ and mud.  She’ll live, trust me.”

“Great.”  I smile but don’t laugh.  “Now I’ll probably have Sonya up my ass for a month.”

“Give me a break.  That little bitch deserved it.” He shakes me a little.  “You’ll thank me later, I promise.”

I shrug.  “Yeah.  I guess...I guess I just thought she might have changed, that’s all.”

“She’ll never change, Justin.  Now come on, lets go down the street to a real bar, okay?  They’re staying open til like four or five tonight.  You can drink your Biel nightmares away.”  He slaps me on the back, and walks away, beginning to laugh and carry on with our other friends.

“I wished for a Biel-less Christmas, and now I’m happy as can be-ee.”  Rachael sings it playfully in my ear as she walks past me so she can catch up with our other friends.

I smile slightly after her.

At least some of us are getting our Christmas wish this year.  Me on the other hand? I’m now completely single, and will be up to my neck in phone calls and interview demands due to this little incident.  My mother is upset with me, thinks I don’t want her around when in reality I’d just like her to be my mom instead of a friend, and...

And I still miss Dara.

I think that’s the biggest thing for me too, although I don’t have a clue why.  All I know, is that if I could only have one Christmas wish granted this year, she would be it.  I would love to just be able to spend these couple of days with her, surrounded by my family and friends.  It would be the best, most down to earth Christmas I’ve ever had.

But she’s gone.

And I have to accept that, because it’s my own fault.
*************
December 24, 2011

1:30 am

“No way.”

I look up at her a little groggily, as I down another shot.  “What?”r32;

Eva’s smile grows a little wider as she stares down at her Blackberry and begins to type furiously into it.  “You...you aren’t going to believe this.”

She turns the phone towards me.  All I see is an enraged woman covered head to toe in brown guck.  “What is that?”

“More like, who is it?” She laughs.  “You’ll never guess.”

I peer closer.  I don’t recognize her, most likely because she looks like a muddy version of Sasquatch.  “I give up.”

“Jessica Biel,” she cackles.  

“What?” I feel my eyes go wide and I yank the phone away from her, almost not being able to believe it.  I stare at the photo, and scroll down the text message.  Sure enough, it’s from Trace.

Little cunt told the media where we were at, so I got her back.  Not too bad huh?

“Trace did that?” I laugh.  

“He’s a prankster.” She sighs and takes the phone back.  “I think it’s hilarious, actually.  He told me how much he hates her scheming ass.  She finally got what was coming to her.  Hopefully, she won’t harass Justin anymore after tonight.”

“Yeah...” I trail off and start to play with my empty shot glass.

It’s weird that this subject has come up right now.  We’ve been out on the town since ten, drowning out our sorrows with alcohol and plenty of dancing with random men that we could care less about.  Eva has perked up, melted back into her normal, wild party girl mode, despite the fact that her mother has screwed her over on Christmas.  I guess it’s because I’m here.  I’ve always been here for her though, and will continue to be.  It’s getting her through this, more than anything or anybody else could, and I guess...she’s getting me through this Christmas too.  Just like she does every year that my parents don’t come home.

She’s the only friend I’ll ever really need.

But still, I know something else is missing.

Or more like, someone else.

The feeling is so strong, and I have no idea why.  It shouldn’t be like this.  I shouldn’t have feelings for Justin, because I barely know him.  It’s gotta be his image that I’m lusting after, not him...

But something is telling me that it’s a lie.  That I know him better than I think.

That we have a chance at something, and we’re letting the opportunity pass us by.

But what am I supposed to do? He left, and now he’s with his friends and family.  I have no place in that.

I never will.

“He wants to hang with us.” Eva speaks up, her smile wide as she stares back at me.  “They’re down the block.”

“You can go.” I say, immediately.  “I’ll just cab it back to your mom’s house.”

“No you won’t.” She laughs and jumps down from her bar stool.  “Come on, Dara.  You need this just as badly as I do.”

“You and Trace are different.”

“Justin wants to see you.  He’s just too chicken to come out and say it.”

I shake my head roughly.  “Eva...I can’t okay? I just can’t.  I want you to go though.  I really do.  You deserve to have something go your way this Christmas.”

“I don’t care if you can’t.” Her hand latches onto my arm just like it did at the Staple’s center.  “You’re coming.”

“Eva!”

I’m only able to stop her from dragging me when we exit the bar, and I yank my arm out of her hand.  “Seriously! I can’t do this!”

“Why the hell not, Dara!” She slaps her hands down at her sides.  “We drove all the way out here, you know? Things got messed up with my mom, but I’m making the best of it! You should too!  I already told you why he ran out on you like that.  Take it in stride...do something good for yourself, damn it!”

We’re standing in the middle of the sidewalk, panting harshly as we stare at each other.  People are passing by us, but I’m sure they’re too drunk to care that we’re having an argument in public.  “Why do you care so much?”

“Because I know he cares about you, Dara.  You don’t know guys, but I do, and Trace knows Justin better than anybody.  We’ve been texting this entire time, and both agree that you two deserve a chance, so just...forget about what happened and talk to the guy before it’s too late, would you?”

I sigh harshly.  “What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“Then he’s a stupid jerk who doesn’t realize what he’s missing out on.  Now come on!”

I follow obediently behind her, and she makes sure to look over her shoulder every few moments, to make sure I’m still there.  We wind up at a place called Wet Willies about ten minutes later, and I can tell that the place is packed.  There’s a line too, and from the looks of things, nobody else seems to be getting in.  

“Well it looks like we can’t get in...”

My arm is grabbed by her again before I can turn all the way around.

“Really, Dara?” She lifts the phone to her ear as she finishes dialing, and rolls her eyes at me.  “Hey, yeah, we’re out front.  Okay, bye.”  She hangs up.

We wait.

Then I see Trace step out of the doorway, and talk to the bouncer guarding the door.  He points us out, and the large man motions us forward as the crowd looks on, trying to get a glimpse of their favorite celebrity.  Man, that was just too damn easy.

Trace has it bad for my best friend, and after tonight, I know her life will never be the same.  I can’t say the same for myself.  I’m sure I’ll just go back to Los Angeles, and continue to live my life as I always have, only...my parents won’t play such a big part anymore.

I guess that’s something.

“Did y’all like my chocolate monster?” Trace asks us as we make our way into the club with him, and he throws his arms around each of us.  “I got just the right combination of puddin’ and mud to make her look like Swamp Thing.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Eva tells him, with a playful smile.  “I mean, people have feelings.”

We pause in the middle of the club, and he removes his arm from around me, so he can pull her close to him.  “I missed you, you know?”

Oh God.

She smiles at him, and then he leans in, and begins to kiss her.  Then they decide to make out, right there in the middle of the place.  Nobody stops them.

And I’m on my own.

Great.

It’s a Christmas miracle, stuck in a club with my horny best friend and her new love toy.  Just what I always wanted.

I walk towards the back, find an empty table and sit down, willing the night to be over so I can escape this place.

“Got an extra seat?”

I look up.

Shit.

Justin is smiling down at me nervously, and while I know he’s trying to hide it, I’m positive that he didn’t know I would be here like this.  He was unprepared for this meeting, just like I was, but our friends forced us into it.  “Sure.” I nod and motion him to sit down.

He takes a seat and sighs.  “Where are the two love birds?”

“Making out somewhere, I’m sure.” I roll my eyes.

He laughs.  “It’s cool though, don’t you think? They’re kind of perfect for each other.”

I nod.  “Yeah. You’re right.”

Silence.  

“Look...Dara...”

“You don’t have to say anything.” I shake my head and gaze down at my hands that are folded on top of the table now.  “I’m here for Eva and you’re here for Trace.  That’s all.”

“Right.  I guess, but...I shouldn’t have run out on you.”

“I was pretty pathetic,” I laugh.  “I would have ran out on me too.”

“You’re not pathetic.”  He smiles and reaches out so I’ll give him my hand.  “Not at all.”

I stare at his hand.  It’s scaring the shit out of me, but at the same time, I’m longing for his touch.  I decide to take that risk that Eva just yelled at me about, and place my hand gently in his.

His smile widens.

“You wanna dance?”

“Do you remember what happened the last time we danced?” I laugh.

He shrugs.  “C’mon.  Everybody can learn from their mistakes, right?”

“I dunno. Not me.”

“Don’t pull out the self doubt now girl,” he laughs.  “I just got you back.”

It makes me stare at him, shocked.  

It’s like he cares.  Really cares about me.

“Justin...”r32;

“Just come on.  If I fuck up, you can leave me this time, okay?”

I let out a long sigh.  “I guess so.”

He smiles and pulls me up out of the chair so he can lead me out to the dance floor.  I don’t even know what time it is, all I know is that the floor is partially empty, because most people in here are too drunk to dance coherently.  

And wouldn’t you know it? A slow song starts to play.

“Did you plan this?” I laugh as he pulls me gently into his arms.

He gives me a playful smirk.  “I know a guy.”

Within a few moments, he’s pulled me close enough to him that I’m able to rest my head against his chest.  I don’t step on his feet and he doesn’t take any party drugs tonight.

Tonight, it’s just about us, even if it’s a little awkward and not exactly perfect.

And I realize that...I really do care about him.  I care about him even though I barely know him, and lusted after him like a stupid kid for years.  I’m not that person anymore though.  I’m just Dara, and he’s just Justin, and I can treat him that way.  It’s why he likes me, why he cares, and...I’d love to get to know that person even better.

If he’ll let me.

“I told my mom we couldn’t be friends anymore.” He laughs gently and wraps his arms around me a little tighter.  “I think she’s pissed but...I know we’ll be better off in the long run.”

“Yeah?  Well, I basically told my parents to fuck off.”

He gaps a little.  “You?”

I pull back and laugh as I stare into his brilliant blue eyes.  “Yeah, I went there, at your suggestion.”

“Maybe I should do therapy?”

“Hm...no.  Stick to that music thing, okay?”

“Noted.”

I lay my head back against his chest, letting myself get lost in the soft Christmas music that’s playing as we dance.  

This night couldn’t get any better, even if it’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me.

“Merry Christmas, Dara.”  His lips land on my forehead.  

“Did you get your Christmas wish?” I ask him softly.

“Yeah.”

I turn my head so I can look up at him again.  He touches my face gently, and I know...it’s the first of many touches he’s going to give to me from now on.  

“Wanna know what it was?”

“A chocolate monster?” I giggle.

“Close,” he laughs, and leans his face down closer to mine.  “It was you.”

I’m breathless...

And then his lips grab mine.  My eyes close and I take him in completely.  It’s different from the first time.  There’s no nerves now, it’s just us, and our emotions, and I know...this is the way things were always supposed to be.  We just had to let go, and now that they have, I know that things are going to change.  They might be weird, and strange at first, but I know in the long run our relationship is going to be different.

Our relationship is going to work out.  Somehow, I know that, and he knows it too.

That’s all we really needed.  A little bit of hope, and some Christmas magic to help us believe in each other.

“Merry Christmas, Justin.”