December 23rd, 2001

Turbulence.  As I reflected on the past 24-hours, it seems fitting that this little adventure end in turbulence.  The knot in my stomach that had existed since I woke up this morning expanded exponentially as the plane waivered violently in the wind.  I took a slow glance around the cabin and saw that he slept peacefully in his chair, his head tucked into the hood of his sweatshirt.  Lance, on the other hand, sat across from me, gripping his arm rests with white-knuckled fists and muttering under his breath.  He hated to fly much more than I, which I found some comfort in.  The others were seated around a small table, playing a boisterous game of cards.  I closed my eyes, drowning the noise out, and relived what had happened only hours prior. 

To really understand this, I should explain the short history of this thing between him and I that started a little less than a year ago.  After being assigned as an assistant to their public relations firm account, I started working with them in a professional capacity.  Four months in, it was decided that I would be lead and head out on the road with them for their Pop Odyssey Tour, promoting their Celebrity album.  The preparations meant I went from an office-based position to on-site.  Spending that much direct time with people certainly develops relationships at a rapid pace.  After a short period of time, I was able to get to know all of them on a personal level.   Lance and I instantly connected and became friends right from the get-go.  He was easy to talk to and quickly became my confidant.  Wild and childish at every turn, Justin and Chris were hilarious.  Joey was fun-loving and excited about his new fatherhood.  And then there was JC.  He was always polite, but seemed to much prefer keeping to himself.  There was something peculiar and fascinating about him, the way he would command an audience with high-energy at night and then spend his days quietly aloof.  He was intriguing, to say the least. 

The night things changed between us was a little over a month on the tour.  The boys were all heading into their respective hotel rooms for the night as my phone rang.  I answered it in the hallway and felt my legs give out as I was told that one of my friend’s had been in a fatal car accident.  I covered my mouth with a hand as I tried to wipe my tears away with the other, leaning against the hallway wall for support.  JC opened his door and offered his hand to pull me up without saying a word.  I timidly held my hand out and he wrapped an arm around my waist as he keyed into his room with his free hand.  As the door closed behind us, he wrapped his arms around me into a tight hug.  I stood there with him in the entryway of his room, tightening my grip around him and feeling his heartbeat through his sweater.  We must have stayed that way for almost twenty minutes.  He slid his hands down my arms as he slowly moved away, searching my eyes with his own to see how I was.  It was in that moment that I fell for him. 

I tried to talk myself out of it.  First of all, he was in a relationship.  There was also the immediately obvious threat that my feelings for him posed to my job.  Not to mention the baggage that would come with being involved with a celebrity, if we were to even get a place where we were involved.  I tried to suppress my feelings, leaning on the fact that he had a girlfriend as my best line of defense between my head and my heart.   It was no easy task.  Every time we interacted, I felt little butterflies in my stomach.  He and I seemed to have an understanding ever since that night and I found him opening up to me.  He always laughed at my jokes, even the worst ones.  There was a chemistry happening between us and the absence of his girlfriend on tour made it easier for me to deny the reality of the situation.  He even showed me some of the songs he was writing, playing a riff on a guitar or singing a few lyrics.  This was the ultimate form of trust from him.  I had finally convinced myself that, maybe, if his current relationship ended I would consider telling him how I felt.  Consider. 

One night, I had drunkenly admitted to Lance that I had feelings for JC.  He was all too excited to hear this.  “Emma, you have to tell him!  You would be so cute together!”

I shook my head, “No, Lance.  He’s in a relationship.”

Lance leaned in and gave me a knowing look.  “He might not be if he knew you were a possibility.”

I shook my head.  “He must know.  I mean, I flirt with him all the time.  I feel like everyone knows.”

He laughed and shook his head.  “JC is the most oblivious person I have ever met.  You pretty much need to tell him exactly how you feel for it to sink in.  And, even after that, you may need to hand it to him in writing to read and review.”  He took a swig of his beer and smiled.  “Emma, you should tell him.  Promise me this – when JC is single again, because let’s face it, she’s not sticking around, tell him.  Otherwise, you’ll just wonder what could have been.  You’ll just end up torturing yourself.”

“I’d consider it.”

“Well, consider it.  Otherwise, I’ll consider telling him myself.”

“Laaance!” I slammed my hand down on the tabletop.

“You’ll thank me later after the two of you hook up.  I expect full details.  I’ve always wanted to know how he-”

“Alright, alright,” I rolled my eyes and chuckled. 

Months went on and my feelings for JC only deepened.  Right before Thanksgiving, he broke up with his girlfriend.  He didn’t seem to be troubled by it, in fact he seemed liberated.  The night of my birthday was also a concert night, so I went out to dinner with two friends.  I was content to call it an early night and headed back to my hotel room afterwards.  A knock on my door surprised me around midnight.  I opened the door to meet his warm blue eyes.

“Happy birthday, Emma,” he smiled, shyly.  He seemed to be debating whether or not to hug me, still wearing the sweat-ridden clothes from the show. 

“Thanks, JC,” I smiled back at him as he did, indeed, hug me.  Being in his arms reminded me of the first time we had embraced and I felt that familiar dizziness again.  A knock at the door broke the spell and we quickly broke hold as I opened it.  Joey was standing there with flowers. 

“Hey Em, just wanted to give you these from all of us,” he said, handing me them.  He surveyed the situation and then laughed to himself.  “Sorry, didn’t mean to cock-block.”

JC’s cheeks reddened and he ran a hand through his hair nervously.  “I’m going to head to bed.  Goodnight Emma.”  He quickly darted out the door. 

Joey frowned, “Sorry, Em.”

I sighed, “It’s alright Joey.  Thanks for the flowers.  Thank everyone, okay?”

He nodded and waved good bye as he closed the door behind him. 

Anyway, this brought me to the night of December 22nd.  The boys had been on a short album publicity tour in Europe in between legs of their Pop Odyssey Tour.  London was the final stop and we were all supposed to leave to head home for the holidays on the 23rd.  They had a private jet charted to fly them to New York, but I had booked my own ticket to fly direct from London to D.C.  It would be much easier for me to get home to Maryland and I was looking forward to a quiet testosterone-free flight. 

JC was still single.  He was a serial monogamist and I was afraid that if I didn’t tell him how I felt, he’d find another girlfriend and I’d lose my window of opportunity.  That night I had decided I would get up the nerve to tell him how I felt.  It had taken me so long to get to this point, but with Lance’s encouragement I was ready.  I figured that at best, he would tell me he felt the same way and we would be together.  At worst, he would tell me I was crazy and he never wanted to see me again.  But, most likely, he would be nice and gentle so he would politely turn me down and tell me he just wanted to be friends.  Any such scenario, I knew I wouldn’t have to see him after I told him for another five weeks.  We had the time off for the holidays and then since the tour wouldn’t be up for a few months, I would be working out of the office.  No face-to-face interaction for a little while.  Just enough time to get through this in one piece. 

I was fired up as I headed to his hotel room door.  In my head I had practiced what I would say about a hundred times, but with every footstep I was forgetting my speech line by line.  With shaking knees, I knocked on his door. 

“Oh, hey Emma,” he yawned slightly, in his pajamas.  “What’s up?”  He looked at me and his expression changed when he saw how nervous I was.

I took a deep breath.  “Look, JC.  I like you.  I like you a lot.  I’ve felt this way for a long time and I just thought you should know.  I don’t expect you to feel the same way, but I still felt like you deserved to know.  But, if there’s a chance that you do feel the same-“

“JC, who’s there?” a female voice called out from his room.

He stood frozen in place with an expressionless face as my eyes widened.

“JC?” she called out, the voice getting closer.

He turned from me, “Heather, just a minute.”  He turned back to me, with the same expression.

I just turned on my heels and headed down the hallway, without waiting for an explanation and ignoring him as he called out after me.  I had just put my heart on the line and completely humiliated myself.  He had already moved on with another girl.  I waited too long and it was too late.    

I woke up the next morning completely emotionally and physically drained.  As I packed my few remaining belongings into my suitcase there was a knock at my door.  I timidly opened it and saw that it was Lance. 

“Hey Lance, come to say goodbye?”

He shook his head, “Not exactly.  Your flight was cancelled.  There are no outbound flights heading anywhere near D.C. because of the snowstorm hitting the Mid-Atlantic right now.”

I felt a headache forming.  “None?”  How was I going to get home for Christmas?

“Well, I came by because I wasn’t going to leave you stranded in Europe.  Just come on our flight – it’s private so you don’t have to worry about a ticket.  We can just get you a connecting flight out of New York.”

I scratched my head.  “Are you sure Lance?  I don’t want to impose.”

“Impose?  Emma, we’re on our way to New York.  We have a private plane, anyway.  I’d hate for you to not come with us and end up missing Christmas with your family.”

“Is everyone okay with this?” I asked. 

“What do you mean?  Of course, the guys don’t mind at all.”

He looked at me with pure confusion.  “What are you talking about Emma?”

I sighed.  “I told JC how I feel about him last night in the doorway of his hotel room, not knowing he had some chick in there with him.”

“Some chick?” Lance raised his eyebrow.

“It was so embarrassing and I just took off.  He looked at me like I was a crazy person.”

“Was the chick Heather?” Lance chuckled.

“Yes!  Why didn’t you tell me about her?” I put my hands on my hip with exasperation.

“Because Heather is JC’s sister!”

**

So, this had led me to the very flight we were on.   We were getting ready to land soon in the midst of a nasty snow storm.  JC had not said a word to me and I was pretty sure his sister thought I was crazy.  I just wanted this horrible flight to end so I could get on with my trip.  Alone time was looking pretty good right about now.  The plane landed and we all stood up, stretching as we grabbed our luggage.  I pulled my coat and threw my purse over my shoulder, wanting to be the first off in the hopes of further avoiding any interaction with him. 

We made our way up the gangway and I was a little panicked to see just how bad the snowstorm was getting.  My eyes made their way to the departure board and widened at the list of cancellations. 

“That’s not good,” Chris shook his head. 

“I’m sure I can find a flight to D.C.,” I said as I approached the ticket counter.

I tried not to lose my cool.  What was I going to do?  Now I was going to be stranded at the airport in New York indefinitely until the snowstorm ended.  Maybe it would just be a few hours.  The weather channel was conveniently on a nearby television at one of the gates.  The correspondent was showing the blanket of snow all over the east coast and declared, “The snowstorm is predicted to hit violently through the 24th.”  Great. 

Lance put a hand on my shoulder, “Emma, you can come with us.”

“No, no.  That’s alright.  I’ll just wait here and see if I can find a flight tomorrow.”  I put my hand up in protest.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Emma,” Justin shakes his head.  “Come on, the more the merrier.”

“Are you sure?” I asked the group.  JC, of course, remained silent. 

“You can experience Bromas!” Joey said, rubbing his hands together with excitement. 

Bromas?  I had heard about it, but had certainly never experience it.  It was traditionally a closed party that the five held for themselves to celebrate Christmas before Christmas Eve.  Normally, they would have held it in Florida with their families, but this year they decided to have it in New York at a house in the suburbs that the Fatone family owned.  This way, Joey could spend time with Kelly and Brianna and their grandparents.  At least this otherwise testosterone-driven getaway would be in the company of other girls.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but given the weather I didn’t see what other choice I had.

We arrived at a house in the suburbs of Westchester County about almost two hours later.  The snowstorm showed no signs of letting up as we unpacked the car and headed to the front door.  Joey’s mother, Phyllis, greeted us at the door. 

“Thanks so much for arranging this,” Justin said, giving her an appreciative hug.  The rest of us filed in and we took off our coats and shoes and headed into the living room where a toasty fire in the fireplace was lit.  

“It’s our pleasure to have you all here right before the holiday.  Merry Christmas,” she said.  “Emma, sweetheart, I’m so glad that you came with the boys and Heather.  We’re happy to have you!”

Kelly made her way downstairs, “Hi, everyone.”  Joey gave her a big hug and she told him Brianna was sleeping. 

“Okay, time for Bromas!”  Chris clapped.  “Ladies, we must ask you to head upstairs while we prepare the festivities.”

Heather raised an eyebrow, “Seriously?”

Kelly laughed, “Seriously.  They are very particular about their traditions.”  Mrs. Fatone handed us each a mug of hot cider and we followed direction, heading upstairs.  We settled into the family room, wrapped in blankets in our seats as we turned on It’s A Wonderful Life. 

“Emma,” Heather said, looking up from her seat, “My brother likes you, you know.”

I felt my cheeks redden at the mention of him, reliving the events of last night again in my head.  Kelly looked at both of us curiously.  “What am I missing?”  Heather looked at me, seeking my approval before continuing with the story.  I nodded reluctantly.

“Well, Emma came to his room last night to tell him that she has feelings for him.  But, of course, she didn’t know I was visiting.  I totally ruined the moment.”

Kelly brought her hand to her cheek, “Aw, Em.  So what did he say to you?”

I sighed, “We haven’t actually spoken a word to each other since the incident.”

“Well, maybe being snowed in here together will bring some sort of resolution.”

Heather smiled, “He does like you.  My brother is just…he has issues properly communicating his feelings.  He is a talented songwriter, but he has some serious learning opportunities when it comes to having a real conversation with someone.”

Kelly turned to her.  “So, Heather, why did you visit the guys in London when you knew you would see JC so soon for Christmas?”  Her eyes lit up slightly.  “Were you really doing what I think you were doing?” 

It was Heather’s turn to blush.  “Well, sort of.  I guess we are just figuring things out.  It’s nothing very serious.”

“You have to tell him!  You can’t keep hiding this from your brother – he is going to find out that you are seeing Justin.  I don’t see why you just don’t tell him.  JC is not going to like that the two of you were sneaking around behind his back.”

My eyes widened.  Heather and Justin were seeing each other?  And JC didn’t know? 

Chris interrupted us, scampering up the stairs like a child.  “We’re READY!”

**

We made our way back down the stairs and were in awe of the decorations in the living room.  In just about an hour, the guys had managed to redecorate the whole room.  They had put up a tree and decked it out in lights, garland and ornaments.  It looked fantastic.  There was also lights and garland over the fireplace mantel and stockings with each of their names hanging.  The aroma of gingerbread and cinnamon was coming from the kitchen, where Justin was taking out batches of cookies from the oven.  Lance had set up a decorating station and was hard at work icing each one. 

Joey emerged from the other room in a full Santa Clause suit, beard and all.  “Ho ho ho,” he chuckled.  “Who’s ready for Secret Santa?”

Everyone migrated to the sofas in the living room in anticipation.  We were experiencing Bromas firsthand.  Every year they guys had Secret Santa with each other, exchanging silly gifts with a $20 limit. 

“Now, let’s see.  Who should get their gift first?” Joey reached underneath the tree for one of the presents.  “Come on up and sit on Santa’s knee, Justin.” 

Justin rolled his eyes, but obliged.  “To Justin, from Chris,” he said aloud.  He cautiously opened the paper and laughed as he unwrapped a fleece bathrobe with polar bears on it.  “Chris, how did you know it was exactly what I wanted?”  His tone was sarcastic, but he stood up and proudly modeled it as he slid it on. 

“Very nice.  Okay, Chris.  Your turn to sit on Santa’s knee,” Joey snickered. 

Chris rubbed his hands together with excitement before snatching the present out of Joey’s arms.  He ripped the wrapping paper off without hesitation and whistled at the sight before him.  Lance had given him a bb gun.  Seriously, what was he thinking?  “Lance, this is awesome!  I am going to have SO much fun playing with this.  I feel just like Ralphie in A Christmas Story.”

Lance smiled, “Just promise me you will never ever shoot that thing at me.  You might poke my eye out!”

“Alright, you’re up.  Come on down, Lance.”  Joey grabbed a bag from underneath the tree. 

Lance read the tag, “From Joey.”  He slid his hand into the tissue paper, pulling out something flat and square.  “Oh my, a Cats wearing Hats calendar.  Well, that’s cute and frightening at the same time.” 

Joey laughed, “I thought you might react that way.  Reach back in there, there’s something else.”

Lance pulled out the rest of the tissue. “Ah, ten dollars worth of scratch-off lottery tickets, very nice.  Thanks Joe.”

“That’s my cue to open my own present,” Joey said, with excitement.  He grabbed a box from underneath the tree and slowly unwrapped the paper.  “Is this…what I think this is?”

JC chuckled, “Yes, it is.”

Joey revealed a red and white striped onesie.  “This is definitely what Santa is going to wear after this – this is hilarious.  Thanks JC!”

JC smiled, “You’re welcome, Joey.  I suppose that means my gift is last.”

Joey nodded, handing him the last present and motioning for him to come and get it.  JC surveyed the room, realizing that it must be Justin who was his Secret Santa.  He unwrapped the package and nodded, “A bottle of organic wine, that’s awesome.  Justin, thank you so much.”

Justin looked over at Heather.  “You should really thank Heather.  She helped me pick it out.”

JC looked at them both with curiosity.  His eyes flicked from one to the other and moved back again in the same motion.  “Thanks, Sis.”  Justin put his arm around Heather’s shoulder affectionately and the two looked at JC, seeking his approval. 

JC smiled at them, “You had better treat each other right.”

“Who wants cookies?” Chris asked the group, getting up and changing the subject.  Everyone made their way towards the kitchen. 

Lance smacked his hand with a spatula, “Ladies first, Chris.”  He offered each of us cookies before finally allowing Chris to have his fix. 

It was unplanned, but I was enjoying this detour with the guys for Bromas.  It was entertaining and it certainly spread holiday cheer.   Maybe this snowstorm was fate.  I felt JC’s hand on my shoulder and turned around as I took a bite out of a gingerbread cookie. 

“Emma, could we go to the other room?” he asked with a very nervous expression on his face. I nodded and followed him down the hall to a room with a piano.  “I know we haven’t really had a chance to talk, but I…”  I leaned in, waiting to see what he would say with my pulse racing in anticipation.  “…I wanted to give you your Christmas present.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I said, shaking my head. 

“Emma, I wrote you a song,” he said, shyly.  “Is it okay if I play a bit of it for you?”

My eyes widened.  “Oh, um, alright…”

He sat down on the piano bench and motioned for me to sit beside him.  I sat nervously, with my arms folded in my lap.  He started to sing softly with his eyes closed as his fingers trailed across the keys. 

Knocked unconscious, walking on water

‘Cause I’m thinking of you

Thinking of you, thinking of you

And don’t you know that love’s intoxicating and I need the abuse

Need the abuse

Because I’m endlessly falling

And we’re destiny calling, what you’re making me do

Destiny calling, what you’re making me do

It’s all because I lose myself in you

All because I lose myself in you

He stopped playing, and turned to look at me. 

“JC, that’s beautiful.”  I shook my head.  “It’s..incredible.”

“It’s called Lose Myself.  Emma, I lose myself when I’m around you.  I really do.  I am not the best at telling someone how I feel or taking risks, but I had written this about you for your birthday.  Then I was terrified of playing it for you so I kept it to myself.  But since you went ahead and told me how you felt, well I…I feel the same way.  I think we should try and make this thing between us a real relationship.”  He leaned in, cupping my chin as he brought his lips to mine for a gentle kiss.  He pulled back and smiled at me, “What do you say?”

“Yes, of course.”  I wrapped my arms around him. 

He smiled, “This is turning into a very merry Bromas.”

I laughed, “I think I am in love with the tradition of Bromas.”

December 23rd, 2011

He shifted nervously as he opened the car door for me.  The snow was coming down lightly, but just enough to make the roads and sidewalks a little slippery. 

“Here, I’ll hold you steady,” he said, with an heir of protectiveness as he linked his arm with mine. 

“Are you nervous?” I asked him. 

“It’s just been a long time,” he sighed. 

“You shouldn’t be – you should be excited,” I gave him a nudge. 

“I just can’t believe it’s been ten years since we did this.  Time sure flew,” he laughed gently as we made it up the front door. 

He rang the doorbell and we heard the scurrying of tiny feet across the wooden floor.  The front door flew open and we saw Brianna’s face, lit up to see the two of us. 

“Mom!  Dad!  Uncle JC and Aunt Emma are herrrrre!” she squealed.  We came in the door, shutting it behind us and shaking the snow off of our shoes. 

“You are getting so big Bri.  What are you now, sixteen?  Can you drive yet?”  JC picked her up. 

“I’m only ten!” she laughed, holding out her hands to emphasize the number ten.  He set her down and I handed her a wrapped package. 

“This is for you, sweetie,” I said.

She thanked us and scampered away as Joey approached, in his Santa Suit.  “Well, a ho-ho-hello to the lovers, here.”  He gave us each a hug.  “Everyone’s here, so come on in to the living room.”  We hung our coats on hooks in the hallway and made our way into the familiar living room, with the fireplace roaring.  Everyone greeted us and I settled on a place between Lance and JC on the sofa. 

“Who’s ready for Secret Santa?” Joey asked. 

“I get to go first this time,” Chris said, running up to sit on Joey’s lap.

“I love how we all are still sort of the same, even after all this time,” Lance laughed, watching Chris and Joey playfully bicker back and forth.  Justin snatched some cookies off of the side table. 

“No, those aren’t for you, Uncle Justin!” Bri shrieked.  “Those are for Santa!”

“But, Santa doesn’t come until Christmas Eve.  This is Bromas!” Justin said, emphatically. 

“Why don’t you pass everyone a cookie, hun?” Kelly asked. 

Bri nodded and took the plate of cookies around the room.  I took a peppermint cookie off the plate and saw that her eyes were glued to my stomach.  “Can I touch it?” she asked, in awe.

“Sure.  Here, give me your hand,” I said, guiding her small hand over.  “Right here, you feel that?”  She nodded with excitement.  “That’s the baby kicking.”  Her eyes lit up.

“Wow, do you know what you’re having?” she asked.

I nodded, “It’s a boy.”

“Oh, good.  I want a little boy cousin to play with,” she smiled. 

JC wrapped his arm around me and looked around the room at everyone.  He raised his glass, “A toast to the Bromas tradition.” 

 “Merry Bromas,” everyone cheered back.