Lance listened to the hum of the tour bus motor as the vehicle traveled on an endless highway in the night. His eyes were wide open, and his body still. He felt the exhaustion kicking in from that night’s concert, but even the soft rocking of the bus couldn’t lull him to sleep. He lay on his back, head resting on his hands, as he studied the dull and monotonous ceiling of Joey’s bunk above him.
Feeling lonely and lost, Lance sighed as the vision of Bethany was once again before him. She was so beautiful, her long auburn hair curling softly over her shoulders, her green eyes shining. He pictured her tiny frame, that irresistible body that had fit so perfectly into his embrace.
After all these weeks on tour, Bethany had never invaded Lance’s thoughts as she did tonight. It must have been the girl in the audience, the one who was the exact image of Bethany. She had made his heart race, and brought all the memories back, causing Lance to relive one of the most painful days of his life.
“Beth, I can’t do this to you. I’m gonna be on the road, doing shows, and press. It’s so crazy and unpredictable and nonstop… So busy that I can’t give you all the time you deserve and that I want to devote to us. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not important, ‘cause you are. You’re the one that keeps me sane in this huge mess of a life I live. But I know that with me being on tour, it’s gonna happen.”
Lance lovingly brushed a piece of hair behind Bethany’s ear, hating the words that he had forced himself to say.
Bethany placed her hand over Lance’s, which was still caressing her cheek. Her eyes were filled with tears as their gazes met.
“Lance… don’t,” she whispered.
“It’s for the best.” Lance’s deep voice was filled with emotion. “Don’t wait for me, Bethany, please. I want you to be free, live your life to the fullest.”
He leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose, then placed his lips on hers. Lance didn’t want to hurt her, but he knew there would be less pain now than having to fight the inevitable and difficult separation in the future.
Forcing himself to pull away from Bethany’s intoxicating presence, Lance tried to quickly memorize the beautiful face of the amazing woman that would always be close to his heart.
As he recalled that fateful day, Lance groaned and buried his face in his hands. He realized at that moment what a wonderful part of his life Bethany had been- a now missing piece. What had he done?
* * * * * * * *
I lie awake and die
I try but can’t deny
That I can’t make it without her
I can’t forget the day
I let her slip away
And I’m still dreaming about her
* * * * * * * *
“Bethany.” Lance said her name aloud breathlessly, wishing with all his heart that she would just magically appear and make the pain go away. She had meant so much to Lance, made him feel whole. Lance cursed himself and cursed the day that he had made her hurt when he had pushed her out of his life.
He wondered where she was at this moment. Did she ever think about him? Did she miss him? Had she moved on? Or had the damage been too deep for Lance to even hope that she still had feelings for him?
* * * * * * * *
Can a heart forgive?
Cause I just can’t live without her
* * * * * * * *
Rolling out of his bunk, Lance made his way to the back of the bus. He needed to get his mind off Bethany and away from the pain that was tearing at his heart. Lance found JC on the couch scribbling furiously in his notebook. His bandmate barely looked up as Lance flopped onto the couch and turned on the TV.
“I thought you would be asleep by now,” Lance said. JC was usually out like a light before the rest of the guys were even thinking about sleep.
“Huh?” JC said absentmindedly, glancing at Lance. “Oh, I just had the coolest idea for a song and I had to get it down before I forgot.” JC went back to his writing for another few minutes then looked back at Lance who was aimlessly flipping the channels.
“What’s up with you, man? You look like hell!” Closing his notebook, JC turned his full attention to Lance.
Lance turned his head to meet JC’s eyes, wondering how he could explain his feelings to his friend when he could hardly sort them out in his mind. All he knew was that the separation from Bethany was beginning to eat away at his heart and soul, but he had no clue as to how to fix it. He took a deep breath.
“JC, when was the last time you talked to Bethany?”
A puzzled look crossed JC’s face. Bethany had been one of his best friends for years, and he had been the one that had hooked her and Lance up. JC was sorry that the relationship hadn’t worked out, but life had a way of doing its own thing, so he hadn’t really thought twice about his friends’ breakup.
“Uh, last week. Why?”
“I… I was just thinking about her.” Lance wrestled with indecision for a moment. Should he tell JC why he was really asking about her? It would be hard to hide the truth from the friend who knew him better than anyone. Lance looked at JC who was waiting patiently for further explanation.
“I made a mistake, JC.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I- Bethany… I shouldn’t have let her go. I shouldn’t have hurt her.”
JC let Lance’s words sink in as he began to understand why his friend was looking so distressed.
“I miss her, JC. I didn’t fully realize it until tonight. There was this girl in the audience who looked just like Beth. Red hair and everything. Man, what did I do?” Lance put his head in his hands. He was so angry at himself for hurting Bethany, and so confused about where to go from here.
JC rested his hand comfortingly on Lance’s shoulder, now fully comprehending the situation. Lance was missing Bethany badly, and he wanted her back.
“Do you think that she would even talk to me if I called her? Do you think she still cares?”
“Lance, I know Bethany was hurting because of this, but she doesn’t hate you. Just do what you think is right. Follow your heart. But she can’t handle being hurt again. Think about it.” JC patted Lance’s shoulder and headed to his bunk. He couldn’t make Lance’s decision for him.
Lance was grateful for his friend’s advice, but he still didn’t know what to do. He almost wished that JC could talk to Bethany for him and take care of the whole problem.
* * * * * * * *
The next time you see my girl
Won’t you say that I, I would die
I would die to hold her
The next time you see my girl
Won’t you tell her I love her
The next time you see my girl
* * * * * * * *
The following night, Lance was in his hotel room, digging through his suitcase for a sweatshirt. He had to get out, take a walk. Bethany had been on his mind all day, her face perfectly clear to him now. She was dominating his thoughts, taking over his being. It was like she was a part of him all over again. But she wasn’t really there, and it was killing Lance.
Throwing on a gray sweatshirt and baseball hat, Lance closed the door to his room and started down the hall towards the elevator.
“Yo, Bass! Where are you goin’?” Lance turned to address the voice behind him. It was JC.
“I need some fresh air. To clear my head.” Lance entered the elevator and waved a hand at JC. He needed to be alone with his thoughts.
The hotel was on the outskirts of the city they had played at that night, and Lance shoved his hands into his pockets as he strolled down the quaint little street. There were shops and restaurants on either side and the trees lining the sidewalk were lit up with white Christmas lights. It kind of reminded him of home, and home brought back the image of Bethany once again. He was missing her badly, but contemplating whether or not he should take the next step and contact her.
Lance ducked into a dimly lit coffee shop and ordered a latte. He paid for the drink and turned to go back outside. In the corner of the shop he noticed a couple, probably about the same age as him. They were sitting close, holding hands, and were deep in conversation. They looked so happy and totally into eachother.
He made his way outside and started down the street again. Lance sipped his coffee and gazed at the sights around him, not really seeing any of it. Another couple walked slowly by him, their arms around eachother. The guy was whispering in the girl’s ear, and her face broke out in a smile. Seeing so many happy people made Lance feel even more sorry for himself. He missed the good times that he and Bethany had had, the closeness they had shared.
Lance was pulling Bethany by the hand behind him, up a grassy hill, searching for the perfect picnic spot. "C’mon, Beth, just a little further,” he said, grinning back at her.
She was laughing, breathless, but totally enjoying the moment. Lance had packed a lunch, and had arranged the day for just the two of them to be together. No press, no fans, no music, no *NSYNC. Just her and Lance. They reached the top of the hill and Lance finally stopped. He set down the picnic basket and pointed.
“See. I told you it was beautiful.”
Bethany looked around, taking in the scene before her. The huge crystal blue lake was sparkling in the sunshine, and the green trees scattered around the water waved softly in the breeze. It was breathtaking and it was just for her and Lance to share.
Bethany smiled up at Lance and was amazed at how strong her feelings toward him were. He was such a beautiful person, inside and out, and Bethany thanked God everyday that Lance was a part of her life.
“I guess good things do come to those who wait,” she said coyly.
Lance laughed softly, pulling Bethany into his arms and tilting her chin up so he could look into her eyes. He felt like he could see into her soul, and he was entranced by everything that she was about. This girl was something Lance had come to need in his life, something he cherished.
He slowly lowered his face to hers, their lips locking in a deep kiss. Lance felt so whole and his heart was overflowing with the joy of how right it felt to hold and feel Bethany like this.
Lance collapsed on a bench, reliving that wonderful day in his mind. They had been so close, the world had been right. It was the complete opposite of the loneliness and pain that he was feeling now. He wondered if he and Bethany could ever make their way back to the feelings they had once shared.
* * * * * * * *
I walk the streets at night
See lovers passing by
And it’s all a reminder
Of what it used to be
When she was here with me
I only wish I could find her
* * * * * * * *
Lance gulped down the rest of his latte and threw the empty cup into the garbage can sitting next to the bench. He couldn’t stand not knowing anymore. What if Bethany felt the same way? He would never know until he took the next step. If she rejected him, at least he would have something solid to work with. Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, Lance dialed the all too familiar number. Fear and doubt flooded his body but his urge to find out the truth was even greater. He took a deep breath and pressed the call button.
His heart was racing as the phone rang. He didn’t even know what he was going to say. Finally the voice mail picked up and Lance’s breath caught in his throat as he heard Bethany asking him to leave a message. The beep sounded, and Lance almost hung up.
“Uh…Bethany. Hi. Uh, it’s me, Lance,” he said, hoping he sounded casual and relaxed. “I was just, uh… I was thinking about you, so I decided to call and say hi. Give me a call back- if you want. Hope to hear from you soon.” Lance’s hands were shaking as he pressed end and shoved the phone back into his pocket. He had done it. Maybe this would be the beginning of ending the loneliness that his life was now filled with. Maybe this would bring Bethany back.
* * * * * * * *
Did she disappear?
Cause I’m waiting right here for her
* * * * * * * *
Standing up, Lance decided he should try to get some sleep, so he headed back to the hotel. Bethany was still on his mind, as she had been for the past 48 hours. Lance never knew he could miss someone so much. It was like a piece of his soul was missing, like he wasn’t whole. He didn’t like the feeling and he could only hope that the emptiness would soon be filled.
Lance was making his way to his room when he ran into JC in the hall again.
“Hey, Lance. How was your walk?” JC asked.
“Good… I guess. You gotta minute?”
“Yeah, of course.” The two men headed into Lance’s room. JC sat on the end of the bed and Lance took a seat on the couch.
“So what’s up?” JC was betting that this had to do with Bethany.
Lance removed his hat and ran his fingers through his hair. “I called her.” He began to study his hat intently.
“And…”
“I got her voice mail. I left a message.” Lance was beginning to think that the phone call hadn’t been such a good idea. What if he had hurt Bethany so greatly that she couldn’t forgive him? What if there was no second chance for them?
Lance looked at JC, hoping he could offer some comfort and advice about the situation.
“So that’s good, right?” JC thought it was best if Lance figured this out on his own. He just wanted to offer his support.
“Yeah, but… I just don’t know how she’ll take it, or if she’ll even call me back.”
“But you took a chance, and that’s what counts. If I know Beth, I know that she won’t ignore this.”
Lance’s emotions were beginning to get to him. He was upset for hurting her, his heart was aching for the closeness that they had once shared and he was scared to find out what the future would bring- if she had feelings for him anymore.
“I just want to let her know that the feelings are still here, Jace. I can’t escape them and I thought I could. I thought that this would make her happy even if it was hard for me but I can’t take it anymore. I want her to know that I was wrong and that I would give anything to take back all the things I said to hurt her. I just want her back in my life.”
* * * * * * * *
The next time you see my girl
Won’t you say that I, I would die
I would die to hold her
The next time you see my girl
Won’t you tell her I love her
The next time you see my girl
* * * * * * * *
“Hey, man. I know it’s tough. But you’ve taken a step towards fixing this. That’s all you can do for now.” JC tried to comfort his friend as best her could, knowing that Bethany was the only one who could really make a difference.
Lance leaned his head back on the couch and closed his eyes. The things he was feeling were beginning to overwhelm him. He needed Bethany to be a part of his life again. Just to be near her would be enough. Her face appeared, flooding his thoughts and Lance could only wish that she was with him now. Bethany had been his world. All the good things in his life outside of *NSYNC were directly associated with her, and Lance had given it all up. He would do anything now, if only he could hold Bethany in his arms and tell her how sorry he was.
* * * * * * * *
I close my eyes
See her face and I realize
She was there
Right in front of me
I had it all, but I set her free
So the next time you see my girl
Won’t you tell her that I’m sorry
And tell her that I love her
* * * * * * * *
Groaning, Lance covered his face with his hands and massaged his temples. The pain that was twisting his heart in knots was beginning to spread to the rest of his body. His head was pounding. Bethany was the only cure, but it was his own fault that she wasn’t there.
“Look, Lance,” JC said quietly. “You’ve done everything you can so far. If you and Bethany are meant to be together then this will all work out.”
“We ARE meant to be, JC,” Lance exclaimed, sitting forward. “Bethany is a part of me, she’s my heart and soul. She’s my life.” He sat quietly for a minute, thinking. Tears filled Lance’s eyes.
“I just didn’t realize it until now. I was so blind. I love her, JC.” The tears spilled from his eyes, streaming down his cheeks. Lance buried his head in his hands. “God, what if it’s too late?”
JC made his way to the couch and put a comforting arm around Lance’s shoulder. He wished he could tell Bethany all of this for Lance’s sake, but he had to let this play out on its own.
Lance sniffed and wiped his eyes. He felt as if his world had come crashing down, and he couldn’t figure out how to put it back together. The two friends sat together in silence for a few minutes, each lost in thought.
The ring of a cell phone broke the quiet. Lance frantically pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the caller ID. His heart leapt to his throat. It was Bethany.
Lance looked at JC and managed to speak. “It’s her.”
The phone rang again. Lance was beginning to panic. “Shit, Jace, what do I do?”
JC stood and looked Lance directly in the eyes. “Tell her exactly what you just told me. Tell her what’s in your heart.” JC slapped Lance’s shoulders supportively and made his way out of the room.
As the phone rang again, Lance took a deep breath and put his finger over the button. It was time to tell Bethany that he had made a mistake and that he was sorry. And he had to tell her how much he loved her.
“Hello…”
* * * * * * * *
The next time you see my girl
Won’t you say that I, I would die
I would die to hold her
The next time you see my girl
Won’t you tell her I love her
The next time you see my girl
* * * * * * * *