Love fades.

I wish I could say it wasn’t the truth, that it was an impossible idea.  There was a time in my life that I went through an experience similar to this one.  While it was a hard process to go through, I knew in my heart that it was the best thing for both of us.  I had positive vibes.  I kept telling myself that life would get better eventually.

And it did.  A million times over in fact, and if I had an opportunity to go back in time and change things, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t, because the past fifteen years have been the best ones of my life.  I think I was able to do more, and experience more love in my life than most people.

For that, I’ll never regret being with him.  I’ll never regret sacrificing everything so we could start a new life together.

But he’s not the same guy who chased me down and told me he couldn’t live without me, and I’m not the same woman that gave into him either.  That was to be expected of course...

But neither of us thought things would end up this way.

“Abbey.”

I gasp slightly and glance up from the note pad I’ve been doodling on for the past hour.  Mac Baxter, Justin’s lawyer, is staring me down from across the table, obviously waiting to hear the answer to the question he’s just asked me.  At one time in my life I considered him a close family acquaintance, someone I could trust and confide in.  Now he’s just a business man to me.  Somebody Justin has paid to do his dirty work.  My eyes dart to the would be love of my life seated next to him.  He won’t look at me, but I’m used to that.

He hasn’t looked at me, in weeks, and before that he was only half with me, for the better part of a year.  I tried to tolerate it, because I knew he was in pain and knew how he dealt with pain too.  I told myself to just be patient, to be there for him.  But I was in pain too...and it was like, he had no compassion for me anymore.  It was all about him, how he felt, what he was losing, and I was supposed to keep a smile on my face for the kids and pretend that I wasn’t crying myself to sleep every night.

I was done.

 And I decided it was time to bail.

“Are you in agreement with that?”

“I’m...” I look at my lawyer for a short moment.  “Can you repeat the question?”

“Mr. Timberlake has graciously offered you sole ownership of the home, three of the six cars, and a monthly allowance of twenty five thousand dollars on top of his child support checks, in exchange for the joint custody agreement we’ve discussed today,” Mac explains.

Joint custody.  Divorce.  Separate homes.  Separate lives.  I just can’t fathom how we got to this point.  I can’t understand what happened, how we managed to fall apart so quickly when our love seemed so bulletproof for fifteen years.  Vic...what happened was hard, but in the beginning we promised each other we would get through it together no matter the outcome, because we loved each other.

But the strain was too much for him, especially in the end, and I know why.

“We’re seeking sole custody,” My lawyer speaks up.  “You knew that going into this, Mr. Baxter.”

“Yes, but given the circumstances, I think a few exceptions are in order,” he nods.  “So again, Abbey, will you take the deal so we can avoid a long drawn out divorce proceeding? It will save your family a lot of hardship.  Enough has happened already.”

I don’t answer.  I can only look at Justin.  Before....before I was just angry, wouldn’t have given in to the deal no matter how much money he threw at me.  But...things are different now.

Much different.

Mason and Conner shouldn’t have to go through more heartache.  They need their father right now, probably more than ever before.

“I’ll...I’ll do that.” I say.

For the first time in weeks, Justin looks at me.  I stare into his eyes.  They’ve been taken over by huge dark circles and the redness that can only come when you’re beyond exhausted.  I know he hasn’t slept well for quite some time, months, probably more than that. He has a scruffy half beard and a mop of curls on his head that I know he hasn’t kept up in almost a month.  I doubt he’s eating right, either.  I hate that it bothers me.  It shouldn’t, because I’m convinced he couldn't care less how I’ve been handling everything.

 “You will?”

His voice cracks but the intense look in his eyes doesn’t fade.

I just nod, pressing my lips together so I won’t start crying.

It’s been so hard, and I know that...somewhere inside of that man...the person I used to love is still lurking, trying to rejoin humanity.

But I just...I just can’t wait for him anymore.

I should go visit her today.  Bring her some flowers.  I think she’d like that.  I like to think she enjoys our little heart to hearts, that she waits for me to come sit by her side, because I didn’t come to visit enough when she was in the hospital those last few months.  That turned into her fathers job.  He was there every single day, without fail, even those days she was too weak to even open her eyes for him.  None of that mattered to Justin though.  He just wanted to be with his girl, no matter how weak she was. He gave up making a profit, making an effort for the family...making an effort for us.  Those last few weeks, he wouldn’t even come home, while I could barely bring myself to go to the hospital.  Seeing her like that broke me more and more every time.  I just couldn’t deal with it...while Justin wouldn’t have missed those last moments with her for the world.

I guess I resent him for being stronger than I was, and maybe...he resents me for not being strong for our girl.

Maybe it’s the biggest reason why we’re here today.

“All you need to do is sign on the line, Abbey,” Mac slides some sort of contract across the table, and my lawyer immediately slides it away from me so she can look it over.  “This will be the last meeting you’ll have to attend once you do.”

“Everything looks fine.”  My lawyer smiles at me, signifying that I’ve struck gold.

But I don’t care about the money or the house...or anything else that comes with Justin’s finances.  It’s the kids I’ve been worried about, but I was stupid to think that Justin wouldn’t put them first.  

He always has.

I look down at the page, pick up a pen and toy with it in my hands.  I feel eyes on me, and I know they’re Justin’s.

Sign away Abbey.  Sign it all away.  

I put pen to paper.

That’s when I hear the sound of a chair sliding out, and I look up in time to see Justin walking out the door.

It slams once he exits.

He’s left me to bid our marriage a farewell on my own.

But I can’t make myself sign my name right now.  My head is swimming with too many memories of us, and when the first tear glides down my face, I realize the only thing I’ll probably be able to do for the rest of the day is cry.
***************
It’s over.

It’s over, but instead of screaming, crying, and carrying on about how fucking shitty this all is, the only thing I seem to have energy for is sitting here, allowing the overpowering numbness to take over me completely.

When Vic went a couple of weeks back, it hit me really hard that I still had no conception of how to deal with that type of pain.  The first time around I was buried ass deep into my ego and had no time to mourn.  Of course I made peace with my parents death, put it mostly behind me thanks to Abbey.  Everything was okay...I was happy, complete, for the first time.  I had a loving wife, amazing kids, my dream job...

Hell, I even made peace with people I never thought I would.  r32;r32;It was your classic all American fairy tale, and even when Abbey’s dad had that stroke, nothing could seem to bring me or my family down.  We came through it, he got better, and we went on with our lives.  I didn’t look back, and didn’t think about how I would deal with another tragedy in my life.  I was convinced I didn’t need to, because losing my parents seemed to be enough tragedy for a life time.

And for eight more years, my family and I had the type of lifestyle that most people only dream of.

Then it was like a ten ton weight came slamming down on my shoulders, and no matter what I did, there was no way I was going to be able to shrug that thing off.

At least until the inevitable happened and things took a turn for the worse.  When they did, the one person I thought would be right by my side just...wasn’t...  

For six months I suffered alone, and when she went, I still felt like I was going through it alone, despite the fact that she was standing right next to me when we buried her.  She clung to my shoulder and sobbed the whole time...

But I felt so damn empty inside, I could barely offer her any comfort.

Things haven’t been the same between us since Vic passed away.  It’s like we don’t know what to say to each other anymore, because the truth is, we’ve been living completely separate lives for almost a year.  I never thought divorce would have been the answer, and I certainly never thought Abbey would have been the one that wanted to get one in the end, but I was in denial.  I didn’t see what any of this was doing to her, how much pain she was in, because I couldn’t handle my own pain.  I should have taken the warnings I received from my friends, my brothers, and my sons more seriously.  They all saw it coming, but I was just too stricken with shock and grief to try to salvage what was left of my marriage.

It’s too late to change things now.  Even if I gave her my most sincere apology, told her that I still...God, that I still love her more than anything on this earth, she wouldn’t care.  Her mind is made up, and I know Abbey better than anybody...

I know that when she makes a firm decision, she doesn’t turn back, and I’ve had my second chance with her.

It’s just done, and that’s something I’ll live with for the rest of my life.

Funny, I have the best of everything at my disposal, and I still couldn’t save Vic, or my marriage.  

Of course, nothing could save Vic after that last treatment didn’t work, so I was told.

But why?  Why her?  

It should have been me dying in that hospital, and I would have gladly traded places, but there was nobody to bargain with.  That disease just chose her, and took her away from me...

God damn it, I mean...took her away from us.

I have to start thinking that way more.  My therapist is insisting on it.  It’s crazy.  Me, in therapy.  I never thought I’d live to see the day, but shit, right now, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.

My cell buzzes to life on the passenger seat, and I’m about to just hit ignore, continue to stare out at the water because it’s keeping me calm.  Then I realize it’s Mac, and I know I can’t ignore him.  He promised he’d call when the papers were signed, and I need to know that it’s final, that we’re done for good, so I can start this next, fucked up chapter of my life.

“Timberlake.”  

My voice sounds like sandpaper on wood.

“You’re really not going to like this.”

I sit up a little straighter in the drivers seat and let out a long breath.  “She decided she didn’t like the terms?”

“Not exactly.”

I let out a bitter laugh.  “What, she wants more?”

“No...”

“Mac?”

“She didn’t sign the papers.”

I sit there for several moments, in stunned silenced.  He can’t be right.  I saw her start to sign her name.  It’s why I left, because I couldn’t bare to watch anymore.  “What?”

“She just, left.  No explanation.  Not for nothing Justin, but this is becoming a gigantic waste of my time and your money.  What’s going on?  Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“No.  I thought it was finalized,” I mutter.  “She hasn’t said a thing to me.”

“We’re going to have to set a court date,” he groans.  “If she doesn’t sign the documents, that’s the only option, and it’s not going to be pretty.”

“Give her a day or two,” I sigh.  “She’s messed up mentally.  So am I.”

“Two days.  That’s it.  I mean it.”

“Fine.”

I hang up on him.  Normally, I’d call her right up and ask her what the hell she was doing, but I just...I can’t.  Today has hit me so damn hard, brought me down to the lowest part inside of me, and I can’t take any more.  It’s why I came here.  It used to be Vic’s favorite beach, and even though the boys would whine and tell me they were tired of coming here so much, I always made an excuse for Vicki’s sake, because she was my little girl.  It makes me smile, remembering how she would run up and down the beach playing with her brothers and our dogs, and us.  How we would all fall down into the waves together, laughing the day away until the sun set so low over the water that we could barely see each other anymore.

I remember...I remember how Abbey and I would sneak out of the house sometimes, late at night, and go for a long walk on the beach.  We’d talk about life, and make out in the water until we knew we had to get back.  I loved her so much then.

I still do.

I miss my best friend.  I miss her more than she’ll ever know.

But I can’t get her back now.

One year ago

“What’s taking them so long?”

“Just relax.” I give his thigh a firm squeeze as he stares up at the score board.  “She was a half second off during the last minute or so.  Vic will have the advantage.”

He rubs his top lip, not tearing his gaze away from the board in the sky.  “Maybe they didn’t notice what you noticed.”

“You’re so ridiculous.” I put my head in my hands and groan.  “You freak out way too much at these things.”

“That’s my right as a father...shit, look there it is...” My husband trails off and looks on hopefully as the numbers begin to flash across the board.  

“Two sevens three nines.  Satisfied?”

He looks at me.  “Yeah but...”

“It’s mediocre, Vic hasn’t scored that way in two years.  She’ll blow that Heather Winters out of the water.”

He just nods, and laces his fingers through mine.  “Right.”

“What else is wrong?”r32;
He shrugs a little.  “What do you know about this new friend of Davey’s?  I mean, they’re flying in tonight and I have no idea what to expect.  He hasn’t been home in so long I don’t even know if he’s going to be the same kid I remember.”

“He’s not the same kid,” I smirk.  “He’s an adult now and he’s been that way for years, as much as it kills you to admit that.  As far as this friend of his goes, he hasn’t said much, just that he’s excited to introduce us.”

“Austin wouldn’t even tell me about her, and he’s the one who actually went to New York and met her.  He wouldn’t even give me a hint what she’s like, or tell me how they met.  He was acting really secretive.  Maybe she’s an ex felon or something,” he laughs.  “You think?”

“Really? You know how they are, J.  Austin would keep a secret for Davey to the grave if he had to.”  I rub his arm gently.  “Davey wants to do this all on his own.  He’s never brought a girl home before, you know that.  It’s a big deal for him, so lets try to be understanding, okay?”

“Yeah...”  He trails off and a smile flies on his face.  I know it’s because Victoria has come out to the floor.  He lets go of my hand then, stands up and cheers for her.  Naturally she looks up and rolls her eyes at me, as if I can stop his embarrassing display of emotion.

He’s such a sap.

But he’s my sap.

“You’re embarrassing the child.”

“No way.  She loves this, watch.” He smirks at me and cups his hands around his mouth.  “Hey Vic! You’re gonna do great baby!  Just watch the boundary line!”

Even from here, I can see how red my daughter’s face has turned.

“I can’t take you anywhere,” I laugh as he sits down beside me again.  “I swear to God.”

He shrugs as her routine music starts to play, and doesn’t respond to my comment.  He’s too immersed in what Vic is doing.  It’s how he always gets, most likely because he’s spent hours watching her practice and giving her as much support as he can.  The truth is, Vic loves gymnastics, and if given the opportunity, I know she would take it a lot more seriously, try to go pro.  She was offered a spot in one of the most elite gymnastic training camps in the nation, thanks to Justin’s networking.  It’s all the way across the country in Florida.  They told me she would live there, come home on the holidays, and we would be allowed to visit her a couple of weeks out of the year.

She wanted to go so bad, she still does.

But I just don’t want that for her.  It’s too much pressure, and I want her to focus on school, even though Justin tells me I should let Vic do whatever it is she wants to do.  That’s not logical though.  We agreed when they were born that our children would be brought up in a more down to earth environment, so they would become humble adults.  Sending Vic off to gymnastics camp for a year to work with a famous teacher wouldn’t exactly be sticking to the plan.  She would have to finish most of her high school courses by mail if she went, so I put my foot down, and Justin quickly backed down.

We’d miss her too much, anyway.

She’s still angry with me for telling her she couldn’t go, but that’s my job in life...to be the mean old mom while Daddy dearest seems to do no wrong in her eyes.  That’s how it’s always been, from the time she was small.  Sure, Justin got a little bit tougher on her as the years went on, like...finally being able to say no to her once she turned seven, but that’s about as harsh as he’s ever been when it comes to Vic.  He leaves punishing and grounding her up to me, even when he knows she deserves it. He’s so soft when it comes to her, but I know he has his reasons.

I know that she reminds him, in some small way, of his mother.

At least my sons haven’t found a reason to hate my guts yet.  Boys are easier.  I’ve always been convinced of that despite how many times Justin’s best friend Trace has tried to tell me otherwise.  I love Vickie of course.  She’s the only girl and because of that, there are certain things in her life that she’s more comfortable talking to me about than she is with her father.  At the same time though, she and Justin have always been a little bit closer, while I’ve found myself bickering with her more often than not.  She was diagnosed with ADD when she was eight years old, most likely inherited from her father, and I’ve never had the patience to deal with it.  It’s not something I’m proud of.  Over the past fifteen years I’ve found myself crying to my husband more times than I’d like to admit about the situation.  I felt like I was a terrible mother at times, that I couldn’t relate or understand her like I should have been able to.  Justin, naturally, just laughed it off, told me I was being ridiculous.  “Vic loves you,” he’d say, before silencing me with a kiss.  “So she has a couple of issues? It’s not a big deal, Ab.  Just do the best you can.  I can handle most of her little tantrums on my own.”

Eventually I decided put up with that excuse, stop worrying about how close I was with my daughter.  My concerns were only bringing more stress into my marriage, and if I knew one thing about my husband, it was that he hated to be stressed about petty little problems.  We had it good.  Better than most people we knew, and there was no reason to stir up unnecessary drama.  I found myself focusing on my boys more after that.  It was just easier, and for some reason, I was able to relate to them better.  A part of me felt that it was because of all the years I spent raising Justin’s brothers, Austin and Davey.  I was better at understanding the needs of two growing boys, and Justin seemed to have the Victoria situation under control.

My second pregnancy went much smoother than the first.  There was no bed rest involved, and I was prepared for what was coming. Mason grew curious about what was going on with me the moment I started to show.  He loved to touch my belly and put his ear up to it, trying to hear what was going on inside.  I would always tell him that there was a baby growing in there, so I guess he figured he would be able to hear it happening.  It was cute, and Mason was patient with me.  As the baby got bigger, I grew less active, and couldn’t cater to the twins every need like they were used to.  Mason could usually find something to occupy himself with, as he’d always been the curious, resourceful one.  It was Victoria that had a hard time.  She would want me to play with her or take her somewhere, and she just couldn’t understand why it wasn’t possible.  Justin did a lot with her throughout those nine months.  A lot of things without me.  Do I regret it? No. I know she needed that, and Justin was more than willing to step up and make life a little easier for all of us.

I’m sure its a big part of the reason she and I aren’t as close now.  

Conner Timberlake was born in March of the following year.  While Mason took almost all of his features from his father, and Vic from me, Conner was different.  He has bright, fire red hair, freckles, and green eyes.  None of that is a running trait on my side, but Justin and his Aunt Kimberly swear it could have come from somewhere down their family tree.  It was a running joke for the first couple of years of Conner’s life that he was switched at the hospital.  When he got a little older though, we knew it couldn’t have been possible.  He’s stubborn like his father, and has that artistic side to him like Davey inherited from his own parents.  He likes to draw, and he just started taking piano a couple of months ago.  He’s also extremely independent, like me.  He proved from a young age that he was determined to take care of himself.  We had to put him in one of those kid leashes, all the time, which was embarrassing, but if we didn’t do it he would run off and have an adventure.  I can’t even count how many times I lost him in the grocery store before Justin went out and bought the harness for him to wear.  I hated it, but I’m convinced he wouldn’t be here right now if we didn’t take measures into our own hands.

He’ll be eight on Sunday.  The twins are fifteen now.  I don’t know where the time went. I guess we’ve been so busy living our lives, and being a family, that we haven’t been able to slow down long enough to notice how quickly the time was passing.

Timberlake Financial continued to thrive once Conner was born, and by the time he was five, Justin decided to appoint somebody else to be in charge of the day to day operations, so he could work from home and spend as much time as he wanted with our kids.  That person, naturally, was Austin.  It took a lot of begging and pleading on Justin’s part, to get his brother to come work for him.  Austin had been working the Wall Street circuit for a number of years, helping Trace and Donald Trump with their business venture.  He’d done well, made a nice living for himself in New York, and that was exactly why Justin felt his brother was ready to step in and start taking over the family business.  Austin was reluctant.  He loved the busy lifestyle that only the city could provide, and wasn’t sure he was ready to slow down.  The work Justin did was mere child’s play compared to Wall Street.  I knew that, and I barely had a clue to how Justin ran a financial empire so well.  It took some gentle coaxing on my part, to convince Austin that his brother was trying to give him the family business, and that he’d appreciate it in the future.

It worked.  

Austin made the move six months later, and allowed Justin to help him settle into his position, but I’m still not sure if he’s doing the work because he really wants to, or because he’s trying to appease me. Trace’s daughter, Kristy, moved here the summer after Austin arrived, and that seemed to change his attitude a little.  They’d been best friends since they were in middle school, and getting Austin out of the city seemed to make the tides turn as far as their relationship went.  They’ve been seeing each other steadily for over a year now.  I’m praying he marries her.  Justin and I made trips out to see the boys a couple of times a year while they were living in the city, and Austin’s choice in women was never something I was crazy about.  He’s just like his brother...only, more humble than Justin was at that age, and I guess that’s thanks to me.

I’m trying to be patient and not nag Austin about his relationship.  Justin has practically demanded it from me, but damn...it’s hard.  That’s my son, and while we aren’t blood related, when he does finally settle down and have children, I fully intend on treating those babies like they’re my own grandchildren.  I can’t wait, but if I know Austin, it’s going to be a long time before he commits.  That sort of things scares him, and of course I’m not surprised.  Once upon a time, Justin was the same way.

Vic finishes her set with a difficult landing she’s been practicing for weeks in our yard, and I watch my husband let out a huge breath of relief as the music ends and she is able to get to her feet again.  I feel my smile grow larger as I clap and cheer for her.  I know how well she did, but I’m not going over the top ecstatic like her father.  He’s hooting and hollering and fist pumping, just like he always does.  

“Did you see that babe!” He grabs me and pulls me close to him so he can plant a kiss on the top of my head.  “She was incredible!”

“I told you,” I chuckle.  “Goofball.”

Justin continues to hold me, but I can tell he’s holding his breath again.  Victoria is standing off to the side, her teammates gathered around her for support as they wait for her score to appear on board.  Vic’s outcome is critical.  It’s the difference between going to the State finals or not, and I wish they wouldn’t put so much pressure on the kids sometimes.  I’ve seen what it does to my daugther.  She worries about being perfect in her routines, sometimes practicing late into the night, and I’ve had to go out there and drag her into the house so she’d be able to get up for school.

As bad as it is, sometimes, I wish something would make her stop wanting to do this so often.  But I know it’s a crazy thought.  This is her passion, and it will always be, no matter how much I put my foot down.

The scoreboard lights up, flashes my daugthers name, and then the numbers begin.  Seven...

r32;I can hear Justin groaning.

Nine...

Nine...

Nine...

Ten.

A high pitched shriek seems to erupt from Victoria’s team all at once, and then my husband does as I expect of him...he breaks away from me and runs down to congratulate our daughter.  I sit down, clap, and smile at her when she looks back at me as her father throws his arms around her.  She knows I’m not as enthusiastic as him, and has come to expect it from me.  At least I come to these things.  That’s all that really matters.

My cellphone buzzes in my pocket, and I take a moment to check it, finding I have a text message from Davey.  His flight landed, and Austin met up with him and his guest at the airport.  He tells me they should be at the house within the hour, and I’d like nothing more than to leave this place right now.  “Justin!” I yell.

He doesn’t hear me.  He’s too busy smiling proudly at Vic as she hoists her teams first place trophy high in the air.  Then they start to take pictures.  I sigh.  We’re not getting out of here anytime soon, so I decide to resort to plan b.  I quickly call the house, smiling when I hear Mason’s voice come over the line.

“Hey, baby, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure...aren’t you guys on your way home?”

r32;
“Not yet.  Vic’s team won so they’re in mid celebration.  Can you put that roast in for me, honey?  Austin and Davey are going to be at the house within the hour, and I don’t want them to starve if we dont’ get home fast enough.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.  I’ll start it now.”

I hear him start to move things around, and I know he’s already in the kitchen.  “Thanks.  How’s Conner?”

“He’s been good.  We ordered that pizza like you said, and there’s some cartoon marathon on today that’s been keeping him silent for most of the afternoon.  I know you hate planting him in front of the TV, but I needed to study for that exam on Monday.”

I smile.  He’s such a good kid.  Always puts school first, and helps me out with whatever I ask him to.  He’s more like me, a bookworm, very intellectual.  He makes the honor role every semester, and constantly wins awards for academic achievement.  His dream is to go to Dartmouth like his Uncle Austin did, but I already know that he’ll do it.  For one his grades are flawless, and well...we have the finances to send him to whatever school he wants to attend.  Naturally, Justin thinks he’s going to get into finance, but I’m not so sure.  Mason has told me that he might want to be a teacher, and I’m completely supportive of that.

Justin isn’t though.  He sits down with him all the time, trying to show him the different things he does at the firm, and how much money he makes because of it.  I know he’s trying to secure his son’s future, but the last thing I want for my Mason is to be cornered into a career he’s not going to enjoy.  I’ve tried to tell Justin that, but he always blows it off as nothing.  “It’s the family business,” he says.  “That’s why I created it, so our kids would have a secure future.  Austin can’t run things forever.”

It’s hard arguing with him about that sort of thing, so most of the time I let it go.

I let most things go, because I love Justin, I love the life we’ve created for ourselves, and I don’t want anything to spoil that.  I mean, it’s been fifteen years and we’re still together, our children haven’t turned into delinquents, and we still manage to spend quality time together as a family.  In all, I say that’s pretty good, considering.

“That’s fine Mase,” I reassure him.  “We’ll be home as soon as I can stop your father from drooling over the win.”

“Daddy’s little girl won again,” he half laughs.  “Can’t wait to hear Vic brag all night long.”

“Mason, be nice.  This is important to your sister.”

“I know, I know,” he groans.  “Soon all those trophies are going to bury her alive.”

“You’re not so bad off yourself.  You’re running out of wall space for all those certificates and ribbons.”

“At least those mean something.”

“Mason Tyler.”

“All right,” he groans.  “I’m sorry.  I’ll see you in a bit.”

He hangs up and I laugh a little.  They’ve always had a little bit of a rivalry going on.  Mason chastises Vic because he feels he’s smarter than her, and she gives it right back to him by calling him a weakling, because he doesn’t play any sports.  Sometimes it turns into a bitter fight between the two of them, and we usually have to step in and break it up, but I know it’s just sibling banter.  Austin and Davey were the same way, and now that they’re grown, I think they’re closer than ever before.  I hope that Mason and Vickie will be the same one day, when they’re old enough to appreciate the fact that they’re family.

“Hey hun!”

I snap to attention and look towards Justin.  “Yeah?”r32;

“C’mon!” He motions with a smile.  “Come down and take a picture with our winner over here!”

I do it, begrudgingly.  I mean, that’s terrible, I know.  But the thing is, we have about four hundred pictures just like the one we’re about to take, back at the house.  Justin and I are standing with Vic, holding some kind of trophy or medal.  While I’m proud of all her achievements, it’s not the best day to be late, especially when I know next weekend we’re going to be at the same kind of event for her.

I really...really, want to see my Davey.  It’s been too long, or at least that’s how it feels.  The last time we saw him was at Christmas, and now it’s June.  That’s too long for me.  He moved from New York to Boston after college, opened up a little art gallery in one of the higher end shopping districts at the suggestion of a few friends.  Justin even financed the place.  His art really is very good, even Justin would agree and that’s saying a lot since the guy is one of the biggest art snobs ever.  He’s built up a solid client base, and has been making a good living for himself out there.  I’m so proud of how independent he’s become as an adult...we both are.  For Christmas he painted Justin and I this fabulous abstract portrait, and it’s hanging over the fireplace right now.  Davey made sure to use colors that accented our grand room, so it fit in perfectly.  I love when we have company and people ask me about it.  It makes me proud to tell them that my son is the artist.  One day, I hope more people can appreciate Davey’s paintings in big museums all around the world.

If he keeps going at the pace he’s been telling me about, I wouldn’t be surprised if my wish came true in just a couple of years.

We take a couple of pictures, and the coach takes another ten minutes to talk to Justin about the state championship next weekend before we finally head out to the car.  I walk quickly, while Justin and Vic lag behind, talking and laughing about the days events.  They’re oblivious to the fact that I’m in a hurry because my other sons are coming to the house, and it almost makes me angry, but then I take a deep breath, and tell myself that I’m overreacting.  That I’ll see them soon enough.

“Coach says there’s going to be some scouts at State next weekend,” Justin says, once we’ve been driving for a little bit.

“Yeah,” Vic says, with a tired yawn.  “Not that it matters.”

Silence.

r32;God, do we have to get on the subject right at this minute?

“What do you say Ab?” Justin smirks at me.  “Let’s see what happens next week.  If the scouts are interested...maybe...maybe she can try camp for a couple of months.”

“I thought I already said no,” I laugh.  “I mean, we’ve had this discussion already, too many times.  She has to focus on school.  If she was pulling grades like Mason, maybe.  But she’s not.”

I see Vic roll her eyes through the rearview mirror.  

“It’s pointless, Daddy.  Just never mind.  Maybe I won’t even go to State.”

“What?” He scoffs as he glances back in the mirror at her.  “Of course you’re gonna go.  Your mother and I will talk about this, okay?”  

He looks at me.  His gaze is intimidating, and I know what that means.  It means he’s determined to get his way, and since he’s never this way with me, I know he probably will.

But I just can’t focus on fucking gymnastics camp right now.  “Fine, we’ll talk about it,” I huff.

Justin smiles.

I see Austin’s convertible parked in the driveway when we pull up, and I immediately forget why I was frustrated when Justin parks the car.  

“My boys,” I squeal, as I get out of the car.  Vic quickly runs towards the house, letting out an excited screech when she opens the door and is greeted by Austin.  

Justin pecks me on the cheek once we get out of the car and snakes an arm around me.  “Sorry if I got excited before.  She’s just so good, Abbey.  I mean, her coach is saying that...”

“Justin, let’s just talk about it later,” I whisper, and kiss him on the mouth.  “Okay?”r32;

He nods.  “Can’t wait to see this kid,” He laughs as he guides me towards the house.  “He promised me some new art.”

I roll my eyes.

“Hey Aus.” Justin smiles and pats his brother on the shoulder as we walk through the door.  “Where’s our guest of honor?”

He stares at us for a moment, and I don’t hesitate to give him a soft kiss on the cheek.  There’s a look in his eyes that I’m not sure about.  He seems confused, and frightened all at once.  “Austin?  You okay?”

“I...yeah...Davey’s in the kitchen with the kids.”

“So how’s this date of his?” Justin winks.  “Hot?”

“J, my god!” I swat him on the arm.

“I’m just trying to get the scoop,” he smiles at me before looking back at his brother.  “Well?”

“You’ll find out soon enough I guess.”

He walks away from us.

“What’s going on with him?” Justin says.  “He say anything to you?”r32;

I just shake my head.  I know Austin though.  I know him better than most people and I can tell that he’s extremely uncomfortable right now.  It means that this visit from Davey isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

That there’s more behind it.

Curious now, Justin grips my hand and leads the way into the kitchen.  Conner runs up to us immediately, and wraps his arms around his fathers legs.  

“Hey little man.”  Justin reaches down and ruffles our son’s bright red hair, all the while keeping his gaze focused on the people seated around the kitchen island.  Mason has his study material spread out in front of him, Vic is texting(as usual), and then I see Davey.  Davey and...

Davey and another young man seated beside him.

“Hey,” he smiles and rises from his seat.  

Of course I go over and hug him.  It feels so good to be in his arms again, and I can’t help but allow a few tears to escape my eyes as I kiss his forehead and cheeks.  He still lets me, without getting embarrassed, and it’s one of the things I love most about my son.  

“Who’s this?” Justin speaks up after a moment, referring to Davey’s friend.  “Do you work with Davey in the gallery?”

“Oh, this is Tim.”  Davey says, pulling away from me so he can nudge his friend a little bit.  

His friend stands up nervously.  My gaze immediately reverts itself over to Austin.

He’s looking at the floor.

“Justin.”  My husband smiles slightly and shakes hands with Tim, who can barely seem to look him in the eye.  “I’m Davey’s older brother, and this is my wife, Abbey.”

“Yes, um, David has told me a lot about you.  It’s nice to finally meet you all.  I’ve been hearing wonderful things.”

I look at Davey once more, and that’s all it takes to confirm my suspicions.  I know that look on his face.  It’s one I’ve seen a million times before on Justin’s, whenever he’s looking at me.  It’s one that tells me Davey cares about him a great deal.

So that must mean...

“Tim is my boyfriend,” Davey says, his head held high as he says it more to Justin than to myself.  “I thought it was about time that I told you all what I’ve been up to.”

Everybody stares at him.  Well, except for Justin.  He’s making this weird, raspy breathing sound.  It’s telling me he’s in shock.

But hell, who could blame him?

“Gay?”

“Yep.”

“He actually brought the guy home to meet you all?”

“Yep.”

“Shit.  That’s one hell of a surprise.”

Trace laughs, and I feel myself smirk a little.  It’s what I expect from him.  He blows everything off, mostly keeps his real emotions to himself because that’s how he deals with shit.  I’ve come to learn that well over the years.  Prison changed him, mostly for the better, but when it comes to his emotions, it changed him for the worse.  It’s why it took him so long to marry his wife, but I guess we all expected that.  “Yeah, and now I’m spending quality time with them this weekend, as a compromise for Abbey.”

“Oh yeah? What are you getting out of it?”

“It’s for Vic.  Abbey said she’d go take a look at that gymnastics camp, if I agreed to do this.”

“You mean you’re not going to get a night of passion out of her?” He gasps.  “Bro, you and I need to spend some time together.  Being around all those women is warping your brain in ways that I don’t like at all.”

“She didn’t say no ...just that she’d think about it.”

“She’s holding out on you, for a reason.  Nothin’s worse than that.  Maybe I can come out for Conner’s birthday after all.  I think you need to see somebody besides your wife and kids for a few days, and hell, I need to see Kristy.  I have no idea what she and your brother are up to.  I hardly talk to her more than once a week these days.  It makes me cringe to think what’s keeping her so preoccupied...”

“This conversation is going to places I have no desire to get to,” I laugh.  “It would be great if you guys could come out though.  I know Abbey would love to see you, Shawna, and Derrick.”

“It would probably just be me.”

His voice has lost its brightness, and I know there’s something he’s not telling me. 

“Why?”

“She’s...she’s visiting her mother.  Derrick’s with her.”

There’s more to it, but I have no clue whether or not I should push the subject.  “All the more reason to come out,” I say, with forced enthusiasm.  

“Yeah.  I might, if work doesn’t keep me too busy.  I’ll let you know though, okay?”

“Sure, man.  Whatever you can do.”

“Great.  Tell Kristy to give me a call if you see her.”

“Will do.”

He hangs up.  

He’s still a work-a-holic, despite the things and people in his life that give him every reason to maintain an equal balance between work and home.  Shawna was different in the beginning about all of that, but we knew she would change her attitude eventually.  When Derrick came along, I think that’s when she started to realize that Trace wasn’t like me.  He wasn’t going to drop work for a kid, for a marriage, even if she was the love of his life.  Over the past year he’s been taking on several major projects at once, and from what I can tell, he’s almost never home. Shawna told Abbey he goes on business trips a lot, barely sees Derrick, and even though he hasn’t mentioned any of it to me, I know its been putting a strain on his marriage.  That probably means Shawna is doing a little more than just visiting her mother.

I feel terrible, because I know she’s the right woman for him.  He’s just to wrapped up in Wall Street to realize what’s happening, that he could lose her if he keeps this up. Hopefully he’ll take my advice, come out here, so I can talk some sense into him before it’s too late.

“Justin!”

Bam bam bam

I sigh and yank my polo over my head.  “I’m coming!”

“You’re already late!”

“It’s the weekend! I’m not late for anything!”

I yank the bathroom door open next to find Abbey standing there, hands on her hips.  Yeah, of course she knows I’m stalling, there’s no way I could get that one past her.  I figured she’d have it in her heart to understand though, given the circumstances.

“Quit stalling.”  She motions me out of the bathroom roughly.

Guess I was wrong.

“It took me twenty minutes to persuade Davey not to leave, while you were up here taking your sweet time getting dressed,” she says from behind me, as I slip into my sneakers.  “Meanwhile, I have half a dozen seven year olds running amuck downstairs, because I stupidly volunteered to be this weekends play group leader, completely forgetting that Bray and Jess were coming. Thankfully Austin is picking them up at the airport for me, and Mason went with him. Our daughter is here of course, but can’t be bothered to give me a hand with anything.  I’m used to that though...spoiled little...”

“Relax would you?” I turn slowly to face her, and hesitate the roll of my eyes I know I’m very capable of performing right now.  “I’m doing what you want me to do.”

“You should want to do it anyway...for Davey.  Excuse me now while I go tear my hair out,” she grumbles, before storming out of the bedroom.

It takes me a minute to follow her. I can’t deny that I’m annoyed with my wife, but I don’t want to let my feelings show.  She’s stressed and venting, like I was last night, and I’ll take her attitude in stride.  I let out a long breath before I walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs.  When I enter the great room I find that Abbey was right about the seven year old circus that’s taken over our house.  They’re doing everything that makes me cringe inside and hate small children...they’re jumping on my expensive furniture and touching shit that I used to keep locked away from Conner up until recently.  He’s learned to respect my stuff, because that’s how I’ve brought him up, but of course these other kids aren’t the same way.  

I’m not a big fan of Abbey’s whole ‘soccer mom’ thing.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that she’s so involved in who our kids are friends with, but when she books three activities in the same weekend, it makes life harder on all of us.  Sometimes I wish she’d run all of these things by me before she plans them, but then again, I’d only end up telling her to do whatever she felt like doing.  It’s just how I am.

Given the circumstances of the weekend though, I feel like I could potentially freak out at the wrong person, possibly my wife, and that just won’t do.

That could mean no happy time for a year.  I’d never survive it.

I try to ignore how messed up my house is becoming, so I can focus on finding Davey and getting this quality time shit over with.  I spot Vic as I head through the kitchen.  She’s sitting at the island, clicking the buttons furiously on her cellphone as the flat panel TV blares loudly from its place on the wall.  “Hey.  Seen Davey around?”

She glances up at me quickly and flashes me a small smile.  “Outside waiting in the car.  I think all the screaming was getting to him.”

Something crashes.  I wince.  “Great.  Listen, do me a favor while I’m out would you?”

“Sure thing, Daddi-o,” she giggles.  

“Help out your mother, will you?  She’s a little high strung today, and I don’t want Bray and Jess to think they’ve walked into the pits of hell when they get here.”

“Mom’s so dramatic,” she rolls her eyes and lifts up her phone to focus on it again.  “She’s so focused on being popular with all the mommies she forgets what’s going on in her own life half the time.”

I pull it down away from her face.  “Vic, you know that’s not right to say.  Mom tries hard, and she loves all of us.”

“But Daddy...”

I look over my shoulder to make sure the coast is clear before continuing on.  “Look, just  suck up to mom for the rest of the weekend, and I promise it’ll be worth your while.”

She’s silent for several moments.  I can see the wheels in her head churning as she stares at me, trying to figure out what I’m saying.  “What’s going on?”

I can’t help but smile.

“Is it...” She gasps.  “Daddy! Camp?”

“Shh.”  I laugh and kiss her cheek.  “Your mother would kill me if she knew I told you.  I can’t promise you anything...she said if things work out she’d go down to check out the place with us.”

She barely hears me.  She’s too busy squealing as she runs around the table to throw her arms around me.  I can’t help but hug her back tightly, as I laugh into her.  “You think you can go handle Conner and his friends for a little while, so mom doesn’t pull her hair out?”

She sighs.  “I’ll try.” She pecks me on the cheek.  “I love you Daddy.”

“Behave,” I call after her as she wanders away and starts yelling at Conner to pay attention to her.  

Crisis averted.  Now, onto project number two.  

“Took you long enough.”

I glance over at my brother as I get settled into the drivers seat and yank my seatbelt on.  “Nice to see you too.”

He lets out a miserable groan and I start up the car.  His boyfriend hasn’t shown up for our little outing, either, but I guess it might be better for us to be alone today.  I can’t bring myself to say anything of course, so I just drive, and he stares out the window.  I know this isn’t what Abbey wanted our outing to be like.  She wants us to talk.  I guess we haven’t really done enough of it since he moved to Boston and started his life without our guidance.  I tend to forget that.  Austin is here so I spend a lot of time with him, helping him to become a better business man.  The rest of my time is divided between spending time with my kids, and doting on Abbey.  There just isn’t room for anything else.

I guess that makes me a shitty brother for turning a blind eye to what’s been going on in Davey’s world.  Abbey certainly didn’t.  She’s always telling me some story about his life in Boston, and of course I smile and tell her how great I think it is that he’s out there having a good life...but I never push the subject, ask what we can do to support him a little more.

I should.  It sucks that I’m only realizing this now.

“I overreacted.” I finally tell him, knowing I have to be the one to break the tension.

He’s silent, and it makes me look over at him.  “Davey.”

“How about David?”  He scowls and shoots me an icy glare.  “I’m not eight years old anymore.”

I laugh a little.  “Fine...David.”

“I expected you to react that way.”  He crosses his arms and looks back out the window.  “I didn’t even want to bring him here, but Tim insisted, so I gave in.  It was a mistake.”

“So where is he now?”

“You actually thought I was going to subject him to your shitty attitude again, Justin?  We’re leaving tonight, I just wanted to show Abbey a little respect.  I’m here with you to make her feel better about the situation, that’s all.”

“You just got here, Dave.  Why don’t you give me a chance? I mean, you just sprung this on me and it’s like...I’m supposed to accept it without a second thought?”r32;

“Abbey did.”

“Abbey’s different.”

He laughs at me and shakes his head in anger.  He doesn’t get it, naturally, but I knew he wouldn’t.

 “Why couldn’t you be straight with me from the beginning?  I mean, you two seemed pretty close.  How long has all of this been going on?”

“Does it matter?”

“Well I think it’s messed up that you’ve been keeping something this big a secret from us, so yeah, it does matter.”

He shrugs.  “It’s been a little over a year.  I didn’t think I’d be with him this long...usually I just date around.  I didn’t think...people like me were supposed to settle down with anybody.”

I try not to cringe.  “So this is serious then...with him?”

“It’s certainly not a phase.”  He flashes me a sarcastic grin.  “I love him and he loves me too.  He...he wants to get married.  That’s why I brought him here.”

I feel the little beads of sweat begin to form on my brow, and it takes everything in me not to start freaking out on him, tell him it’s unnatural and not how I raised him to be.  I think about how Abbey would want me to react to this news though, and saying all that to him definitely wouldn’t be her ideal choice.  “Marriage?”

“It’s not exactly unheard of these days...same sex marriage.”

“So are you doing it?”

“I don’t know.  I don’t know what I should do.  I’m fucking confused though, I’ll say that much.”

He needs our support now more than ever, and I’m sure he knows he has Abbey’s completely.  But me...I just don’t know.  I don’t know what to say to him.  I don’t know anything about being with a member of the same sex.  I can’t give him good advice.  In fact, the whole thing is making me want to throw up my eggs and bacon, but I have to be stronger than that.  “Do you...really feel that strongly about...about him?”

“I know I don’t want to be with anybody else.”

I just nod a little, and thank the powers that be when I see the party store up ahead.  I quickly pull in and put the car into park, before finally looking over at my little brother again.  It’s funny, as much as he tries to act like he’s so grown up now, I can still see that spark of innocence in his eyes...that gentleness inside of him that was always his most unique trait.  He needs me more than he has in years, but he won’t admit it.  He’s too scared, and I know my attitude isn’t the only thing that’s intimidating him.  The idea of accepting who he’s become is terrifying him too, even if he tries not to show it.

So I need to man up, and be here for him, like I’ve always been.  I may not agree with this whole thing, but I know that it’s serious, that Abbey was right when she told me ‘Davey likes boys’, and that fact is never going to change.   I have to accept it, because if I don’t, we’ll lose him for good, and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.  I love him too much, and so does Abbey.  “Why don’t you bring him by tonight,” I finally say.  “I’d like to get to know him.”

His eyes narrow.  “You don’t care.”

“I’m trying my best, Dave.  That’s all I can do until I adjust to this.  I think that should be good enough, don’t you?  One step at a time.”

He throws off his seat belt and starts to get out of the car.  It makes me sigh and slam my head back against the headrest.  I’m sure I’ve failed. I’m sure I’ll go home and my wife will condemn me to a guest bedroom for the rest of my life.

“Justin.”

I look over at him.  “Yeah?”

“Do...” He pauses, looks down at his lap for a few moments before finally looking me in the eyes again.  “Do you...do you really want to get to know Tim?”

“Yeah,” I say, sincerely.  “I’d like that.”

He just smiles, and I know it’s not much...that it’s going to be hard adjusting to this dramatic change in my brothers life, but it’s a start.  

“I guess we’ll stay then.”

“Great.”

We both get out of the car, and I throw an arm around him as we walk up to the store together.  We start making fun of Austin a little bit, joking about how unglued he became the other night, and I’m sure we’ll give him hell about it later tonight.  It’s my brother here with me again, I realize.  The kid I’ve raised, and come to be so proud of.  That’s all that matters too.  We’re family, and that’s the most important thing, no matter what he chooses to do with his life.

I can definitely see some happy time in my future.

“What?”

He finally looks away from me, smirks, and continues to watch the TV.  “I guess I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

“Surprised?”

“You told me hell would freeze over before you’d give in to Vickie’s gymnastics thing.”

“Yeah well...my husband and I compromised, and I guess his relationship with his brother is more important than my daughter concentrating on her grades.  I mean, school is important, at least to me, but Justin doesn’t see things my way.  He knows his money can get her into college if the gymnastics thing doesn’t work out, and I know that too. Mason is the brain...Vic will never be, and I’ve decided to just accept that and let her live the life she wants to.”

“Sounds like an excuse to make your life easier.”

I roll my eyes.  While he’s my best friend, and will always be, he’s also the most brutally honest person in my life.  “Give me a break here, Bray.”

“I really don’t think gymnastics should come before school.  There’s going to be time for her to do that after she graduates.”

“Well, you’re not her father.  Justin is, and he wants her to succeed at this thing more than anybody else in the world.  I’ll give him that, because he does everything for this family.”

Braeden doesn’t say anything.  He’s disappointed, of course.  He accepts our children like they’re his own, Jessica does too, because they don’t have any, and as much as Justin and I...and our entire family have pushed the subject, they still haven’t attempted to have one.  Bray says they’re fine, that they’re busy...

But of course I know there’s more to it than that.  I haven’t brought it up in a long time.  The last time I did, Braeden got all bent out of shape, told me that I should know his reasons, and ended the conversation.  

He’s much better than he was all those years ago, but I know there’s a part of him that will never be completely “there” again.  Jessica can understand that too, better than anybody else.  It’s why she married him.

My husband’s “quality time weekend” with Davey and his boyfriend did more good than I originally thought.  It sort of snapped Justin back into place, and I think he was able to remember who his brother really was.  Later in bed, he would tell me that he knew Davey was different all along, and I congratulated him for getting his stubbornness regarding the situation out of his system.  Happy time ensued, naturally, but Justin deserved it, and as much as I tried to pretend sex didn’t phase me, the truth was...I’d been horny for a week and it was stressing me out.

They want to get married, and because I pushed Justin to be more accepting of who Davey is, he’s taking that scenario a lot better than he would have.  Personally,I can’t wait.  Tim is a sweet guy, and I can tell he really loves Davey.  They’ll make a great couple, and I’m even hoping that they’ll decide to adopt one day...but I’m not going to push my luck.  It’s one step at at time, this thing, and for now I’ll have fun helping my son plan his ceremony.

Justin and I still act like two stupid kids sometimes, grope each other and make love like a couple of animals, but I wouldn’t want things any other way.  I love, loving him.  I don’t think I could ever stop, and its why when we have guests, it’s so hard to keep our hands off each other.  I want him just as bad as he wants me, but I don’t want our guests to hear any strange noises coming from the master bedroom.

Especially since Braeden and his wife are the ones staying with us.

Too much time had passed between visits, and it showed when they walked through the door.  Braeden and I hugged harder than we had in a very long time, and I wasn’t sure, but I could only guess that something might have been going on with him that he neglected to tell me about.  While we talked often through phone calls and Skype, there were several weeks that we simply didn’t have time, between my schedule with the kids, and his work and spending time with Jessica.  It sucked, because when we did have time to talk, we found that there was a lot to talk about.  I vowed to make more time with him this visit than normal, but now...

Now I’m sort of regretting it.

He doesn’t know what goes on.  He doesn’t get what kind of parents we are, or more specifically...what kind of a father Justin is.  He’s been around us for years of course, and has attended almost every major family function that Justin and I have thrown together.  He and Jessica are even Conner’s Godparents, they’re family, and I know if they lived closer things might be different.  He might understand how we live more, why we make the decisions we do when it comes to the kids...but he just doesn’t.  Because of his business and because of Jessica’s law career they’ll always live in Chicago.  For years I’ve hated that separation, but now...now I guess it isn’t so bad, because I can’t be badgered by him like this.

It’s just not right.

“I just don’t want to see her miserable in ten years,” he finally sighs.  “I’m out of line...I know I am.  Sorry, Babs.”

I can’t help but smirk slightly.  After all this time, he still calls me by that little pet name.  I have no doubt that Justin knows, but, I know he accepts it.  Braeden and I will always have a different kind of friendship, but at the same time, I could never stop loving Justin.  “It’s Vic.  She’s not going to be miserable as long as she gets her way.  I know you just want to see her do well.  We all do.”

He shrugs.  “Yeah.  I do.”

“Look, are you going to come to Florida with us?” I offer again.  “You haven’t been to Disney since we were kids.”

Justin brought it up a couple of nights ago, after the kids had gone off to bed for the evening.  I had mentioned to Justin that since we were going to Florida anyway, why not take Conner to Disney World as part of his birthday present?  We took the twins when they were ten.  Naturally, it was a tiring vacation, but Justin and I were still glad to have that experience.  Vic and Mason were just the right age, and since my parents had so graciously offered to babysit a then two year old Conner, Justin and I didn’t have an excuse not to do it.

I’ve wanted to take Conner more recently.  Even though he’s only eight, he’s pretty mature for his age, and I know it will be a trip he’ll remember.  I can’t wait to go there with him, can’t wait to show him all the things I showed the twins for the first time, and even though Justin pretends its too ‘magical’ for him, he didn’t hesitate to book the reservation for us shortly after I brought the subject up.

I love my sap.

“I don’t know...I have the business to think about, Ab...”

“You look like you could use a vacation, actually,” I laugh.  “Come on, Conner would love if you and Jessica came.  You saw how excited he was when you first got here.”

“Jess and I will have to talk about it some more.”

That’s all he says and then he goes back to watching the TV.

I sit back, frustrated, because for the first time in a very long time, I have no idea what’s really going on with him. A part of him seems like it’s just barely hanging on, and I’ve felt this way since he arrived here.  Jessica seemed perky and carefree as always.  While her and I have always been very friendly, we’ve never been able to connect like girlfriends usually do.  We don’t talk on the phone unless Braeden hands off the call to her so she can say hello.  At best, we’re “friendly,” but that’s as far as it goes.  She and Justin talk more, but I expect that.  Is it awkward? Sure...but I guess I expect that too.

I mean, hell, I was married to her husband at one point.  If I were her, I wouldn’t want to be best friends with me either.

In fact...when she took Vic shopping a couple of hours ago, I was never more happy to be rid of her.  She’s stuck like glue to Bray since they got here, never giving us a few minutes alone to talk, and the conclusion I’ve come up with is that she’s been trying to hide something from us as well.  I told Justin that, he said he didn’t see what the problem could be.  Again, he was stuck in his perfect little bubble where Braeden and Jessica are the best couple ever, so I dropped it.

“When are you going to admit something is going on with you,” I blurt out, suddenly.

He scoffs.  “You sound like my mother.”

“Well, she’s always been able to read you as well as I can.”

He sighs harshly and rubs his face with his hands.  “I promised that I wouldn’t talk about this with anybody.  Jess wanted this to be a positive trip for us.”r32;
“How can it be positive for you if you’re being fake?”

“I’ve been asking myself that since I got on the plane,” he laughs sadly.  “I dunno its like...everything’s been real good, you know? Then all of a sudden she just drops this ultimatum on me like...I better just do what she says, because that’s the way things are supposed to be.  I’m just not ready...”  He trails off and looks at me with an intense gaze.  “I’ve never been ready for my own kids, and I’m still not, but now...now she’s telling me we have to have a baby.”

I press my lips together and look down at my lap.  It’s not right, and I hate that he’s being pressured, but at the same time, I can sort of understand Jessica’s need to expand the family.  It’s crazy to admit we’re all getting older, but it’s the truth, and she doesn’t have that much time left to get pregnant.  “Bray...I get it.  You know I get it.  But you and her have a great thing going.  Why wouldn’t you want to start a family with her?”

“Because I don’t trust myself, that’s why.”

I don’t need to ask him anything else.  I know what his concerns are, because of what he did to me...what he did to his mother.  While we’ve all done our best to put those memories behind us, I know they still haunt him, and they always will.  He’s afraid he’ll lose it, hurt his own child, and I know if that happened there would be no turning back for Braeden.  He wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Well, did you talk to the therapist about it?”

“Yeah but...he sided with me, and Jessica got all pissed off.  I don’t know what I’m going to do but, she’s serious.  She’s giving me another month and then...if I decide that I’m still not ready to take this step with her, she’s going to draw up the divorce papers.  I can’t...I can’t lose her, but I can’t do this either.  I’m about to just say fuck it all, and tell her to go ahead and do it if that’s how she wants things.  I love her but fuck...Ab...I can’t have a kid.  I just can’t.”

He starts to sob, and I don’t think, just pull him close to me and let him cry on my shoulder.  A part of me...a big part, wants to hate Jessica for how she’s making him feel, but then I think about how I would feel if Justin told me he never wanted to have children.  I just don’t know if I would have looked at our future the same, or if we’d be together right now.  The kids have complimented our lives amazingly, and if there was a way to show Braeden how good things could be if he compromised with his wife, I would show it to him.

But there’s not.

Some people just...aren’t cut out for parenthood, and after the hell he endured for seven years, I understand why he only wants to focus on his marriage and career.  In his mind, there’s no room for a child.

It’s just a very harsh reality for Jessica.  She didn’t count on this when they got married.  They were so young, didn’t take enough time to think about the future, and they’re paying the price now.  I guess I should consider myself lucky.  While Justin has his faults, pisses me off at times, I know we’ve always been very compatible, always had the same views...and we’ll always be together because we understand each other so well.

“If she can’t accept your lives for what they are...maybe you’re better off without her,” I say gently, as I stroke the back of his neck while he continues to sob.  “You can’t kill yourself like this.  It’s not fair to either of you.”

“You say that like it’s so easy to just...let her go.”  He sniffles loudly and picks his head up so he can look at me again.  He harshly wipes at his tears, as if he’s ashamed of them.  “Look at us, Abbey.  You and me...we were together, and look what happened when that fell apart.”

“This isn’t about that...”

“It’s the same fucking thing!  I just...I can’t make her happy!  I give her...fuck...I’ve given her every part of me!  There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her outside of this, and she doesn’t see that.”

I hear the front door open and slam, and Braeden immediately straightens out his mood when Jessica’s laughter echos through the house.  Vic’s voice follows along happily.  Then...footsteps drawing closer to the grand room.

My daughter pops into the room first, running up to me with a wide smile on her face.  “Mom! Mom! Look at the awesome leotard Jessica got me!  It’s for Florida!”

She holds it up proudly.  Really, it looks like everything else she wears during her routines, but I force a smile for her anyway.  I’ve decided to be really positive with Vic about this “compromise,” because while I hate to admit it, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen her in my life.  “That’s really cute.  I hope you didn’t spend a lot, Jessica.  She has a ton of those things.”

“It was nothing.”  She puts her arm around Vic and laughs a little.  “I wanted her to have something new and cute to take with her to camp.”

“Just remember it’s not definite, Vic.” I try to hide my smile but fail.  I know that I’m going to give in at the end of our trip to the facility.  There just wouldn’t be a point in saying no to her once she sets foot inside the place, and I doubt my husband would allow it anyway.

She throws her arms around me so she can hug me tight, and I completely forget what I was about to say.  This never happens. Ever.  

Maybe things are changing now.  Maybe...this is a chance for Vic and I to become a little bit closer, and I think I would like that.  I really would.

“I love you, mom.”  She smiles, pecks me quickly on the cheek, and runs off.

I sit there stunned.

“Well, she’s certainly got her life all together,” Jessica laughs.  “She won’t stop talking about that camp.  I think we’re going to see her on the TV in a few years, winning a bunch of medals.”

I sigh. “Maybe...yeah.”

Braeden doesn’t say a word.  He just stares at his wife, and when she begins to stare back at him, the look on her face telling me she knows Braeden talked about what’s going on in their marriage, I take it as a cue to exit.  “I’m going to start dinner.”

They don’t answer.  I just keep going, desperate to get away from the two of them, as horrible as it is.

“Con would you get away!”  

Mason swats at his brother as he tries to focus on his papers spread out across the kitchen island, but it doesn’t seem to help. My little red head has taken it upon himself to turn Mason’s study material into a racetrack for his toy cars, and I can’t help but laugh slightly.  “What’s going on here?”

“Hi Mommy!” Conner smiles brightly as he continues to play with his toys.  

“Hey Big Red, are you helping Mason with his work?”

“Yeah!”r32;
“He’s helping me prepare to fail this final, that’s what he’s doing,” Mason mutters.  “It’s my last one, and I thought I could get a little piece and quiet today...but I guess that was too much to ask for.”

I go to the fridge and start pulling ingredients together.  “Why don’t you put those books away for a while and help me, huh?  I think steam is going to start drifting out of your ears in a minute.”

“Ma.”

I raise an eyebrow and narrow my eyes at him.

“Fine.”  He quickly closes everything, making sure to put it out of his brothers reach before he comes over and starts helping me cut up vegetables.  I turn the kitchen flat screen on for Conner, tell him to watch his cartoons while he plays with his toys on the top of the island.

Finally, peace.

“Where’s your father?”

Mason shrugs.  “He said he had to go see Austin about something.  Davey and his...partner...went too.  He said they might get dinner...just the four of them.  A guys night? I don’t know.”

I smile.  “Good.  They need that.”

“He said he was going to help me study for my Calculus final today.  I guess he forgot.  He forgets all of my stuff.”

I sigh a little.  While there’s some truth to that, this week has been a little overwhelming for Justin with Davey and everything.  I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being but I’ll make sure to mention it tonight.  “There’s just a lot going on, that’s all.  Your father tries hard.”  

He finishes cutting up a cucumber and starts in on a green pepper that I’ve handed to him.  “It’s always like this, and you know that.  It’s always about Vic first...or whatever Austin needs at the firm, and then Conner takes up the rest of his attention span.  He thinks I’m the self sufficient one.”

“Well, aren’t you?”

He’s quiet for a minute, but then I see a small smile creep onto his face.  “Maybe.”

“You know how much attention your sister needs, Mase.  Your father...he’s better at dealing with that.”

“She’s a spoiled brat.”

“C’mon, Mason.  You love your sister, and you don’t have it so bad.”

He’s silent, continues to cut the vegetables up harshly.  “Sometimes I wish I could be as spectacular as she is.  Maybe Dad would notice me more.”

I stop cutting.  “Mason, look at me.”

He won’t, but then I put my hand on top of his, forcing him to stop cutting and look up at me.  

“You’re a great kid,” I smile.  “Dad knows that, and he’s proud of you.  We both are.  You’re smart, and responsible...you’re always helping out around here.” I kiss his forehead.  “And if I can help you study, I will.  Your old mom has some smarts, even if math isn’t her strong point.”

“It’s advanced calculus,” he scoffs.  “It might as well be in Latin unless you’ve taken the course.  Dad knows it, that’s why I needed his help.”

“Then I’ll talk to him when he gets home.  How about that?”

He picks up his knife again and continues chopping.  “Don’t bother.  I’ll do fine on my own.”

I open my mouth to say something, but stop myself.  Mason has made valid points, and the horrible truth is, things have been this way for as long as I can remember.  I’ve always had a special bond with him, while Justin finds it hard to understand his son at times.  Mason has never been an energetic kid.  When he was younger, he found more joy in sitting and reading a book than going outside and running around with his father.  Justin could never quite understand that, stuck by Vic when she started getting older and into athletics.  I guess, he never looked back, and I stayed behind to help Mason mature and grow, while my relationship with my daughter faded.  It’s not that Justin doesn’t have a relationship with his son...he does.  They talk about his college plans most of the time, and Justin brings him to the firm sometimes and teaches him things about the business.

Except...Mason is still so unsure if that’s the path he wants to take.  Unfortunately, Justin is convinced that it’s the only one that’s right for his oldest son.

It’s no wonder the kid is so frustrated with his father all the time.

Mason helps me finish making dinner in silence, and I send him to set the table while I start to put the different food on platters and into serving bowls, all the while trying to get Conner to go wash up.  Justin calls me in the midst of it all to tell me he’ll be late...that he’s out with the boys, and I tell him not to worry about it, but that I want to talk to him at some point.

“Everything okay?”

He says it like his whole world has just stopped, and I can’t help the grin that makes its way across my face.  He just...cares so much, even though certain people can’t see that.  “Mostly.  Mason is just having a couple of issues and...Braeden...well, that’s another story.”

“I can just come home if you want, babe.”

“No, we’ll be fine.  I need to get Conner settled down anyway.  The idea of his birthday coming in the next couple of days is driving him wild.  We’d barely get to talk tonight as it is.”

“You know, Trace might come out for Big Red's party,” he tells me.  “He told me over the weekend.”

“Oh yeah?”  My smile grows.  It’s been too long since I’ve seen him, Shawna, and Derrick, and I know the kids would love to see them too.  “Great.  I’ve been dying to catch up with Shawna.”

“Oh yeah...well, that’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about too.”

“What’d you mean?”

“We’ll talk about it later.  It’s not exactly the best topic to talk about on the phone.  Just call me, you know...if you need me to come back home.”

A sinking feeling forms in my stomach, and all I can think is that Trace and Shawna are having more problems.  I mean what are the odds? First Braeden and Jess and now our other friends are having marriage problems? It seems uncanny...but it’s happening.  “I will.”

“How’s Vic?”

“In her glory.  Jess bought her a fancy new leotard to take to Florida.  I think she’s upstairs packing everything she owns right now.  She even hugged me...crazy.”

He laughs gently.  While he’s excited for her, I know he’s worried about what it’s going to be like around here once she’s gone.  I know I’ve said nothing is finalized, but in my heart...I know that it really is.  Justin made the initial deposit on the camp just the other day, and any place that requires that big of a deposit just to “look around,” I know, is serious.  The one positive thing that might come out of her absence is that Justin will have more of an opportunity to focus on Mason, and I know that they need that, badly.

“All right well, let me say hey to Big Red, and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay.  I love you.”

“Love you more.”

“Con, honey! Daddy wants to say hi.”

He scrambles off of his stool and runs to take the phone from me.  “Hi Daddy! Yeah...I want a big BIG cake!”

I just laugh and continue getting dinner fixed properly, my mind a little bit clearer than it was before.  He can always do that, reassure me that everything is going to be fine, make me feel safe.  I know when he slips into bed with me tonight, and I feel his arms around me, I’ll be able to tell him a few things that have been bothering me, and he’ll listen...come up with the best solution just like he always does.

I’m so lucky to have him, so lucky to be able to love him.  

And I know I’ll never stop.  I don’t think there’s a thing in this world that could make me.

“Victoria! Dinner!” I yell it out as I carry the bowl of salad out to the dining room. Bray and Jess are there, and I can tell that she’s been crying, but she’s trying her best to hide it.  Braeden barely looks up from his empty plate as I put my salad down in the center of the table.

What a great visit this is turning out to be.

“Mommy! Mommy!” Conner starts running around the table as he bursts out of the kitchen.  His hands and clothes are covered in mud.  “I made a mud pie for dessert Mommy!”

I just stare at him, and then I hear it.  Braeden laughing.  Then I hear Mason doing the same thing, and I look at them both with a scowl on my face.  “Oh yeah, real funny.  You don’t have to clean this up three times a week when he sneaks out to do it.” I sigh harshly and grip Conner’s arm gently to stop him from running.  “C’mon lets get you cleaned up.  Mason, just serve everything okay?”

“Got it.”

r32;I drag my son upstairs, sighing and huffing the whole way.  “Victoria!”

No answer.  I can hear her radio playing softly, and I’m sure she’s tuning me out.  I take Conner into the bathroom, and run the faucet.  “Scrub up and I’ll be back okay?”

“But what about my mud pie?”

I sigh and shake my head.  “We’ll fix it after dinner.”

“K.”

“Vic!”  I yell again as I make my way down the hall and over to her closed door.  I knock quickly before I open it.  “Vic, it’s rude to hole yourself up in your room when we have guests.”

She’s sprawled out across the bed, face buried in her pillows, and I know she’s fast asleep.  I shake my head as I make my way over to her, and sit down on the bed.  My eyes scan her bedroom quickly, taking in all the trophies and awards that litter the walls and shelves.  There, on the nightstand, is a picture of her and her father, holding another first place trophy, smiling proudly.  I know it’s one of her favorite memories, and...I guess a part of me regrets that I missed out on that one.  But I was needed at a function for Conner that weekend.

Her father took care of it.

“Vic.”  I shake her slightly.  “C’mon, dinnertime.”

“Mm.”  She groans and turns her head slightly.  “I’m tired.”

“Honey you slept til eleven thirty,” I smile.  “We have company.”

“Where’s daddy?”

“Out with the boys.”  I tug on her arm so she’ll sit up.  “Let’s go.  Conner made mud pie again.”

“Oh God.”  She rubs her face.

She really is...tired.

It’s weird to see her this way.  It’s been happening a lot more lately.  She’ll be fine and then she’ll just get so tired all of a sudden and need a nap.  I’ve been telling myself its because of the competitions and Justin has agreed so we haven’t made her a doctors appointment...

But maybe we should.  

“Vic are you all right?” I stroke her hair lovingly.  “You’ve been tired lately.”

“It’s just State.  I’ve been practicing a lot.”

“Well, maybe we should get you checked before you go to Florida.”

“Mo-om I’m fine, God.”  She forces herself to her feet.  

“Well, don’t you have to get a physical anyway?”

She shrugs.  “I guess once things are finalized.  Dad would know.  He has all the info.”

I nod slightly.  “I’m going to make an appointment with Doctor Armsten anyway, just to be safe.”

“You worry too much, Mom,” she rolls her eyes.  “You try pushing your body to the limit thirty plus hours a week and see how much energy you have at the end.”

She walks away, and I sigh.  Maybe I do worry too much.

I mean, that’s my job though, I’m the momma, and I don’t know why...

I just have a bad feeling.  One that’s telling me Vic is more than just tired.

It’s later than I thought it would be when I finally pull my car into the garage, but I know Abbey will understand.  I needed this night out with my brothers and their counterparts.  A night to get to know Tim even better, and I guess...find out what’s up with Austin and Kristy too.  I wish I could have taken my wife with me, but I knew she wouldn’t have gone.  For one, we have Braeden and Jessica at the house, and for another...our eight year old needs adult supervision most of the time.  He’s like this little tornado.  If you let him run amuck he’ll knock over everything in his path.  It’s not his fault of course, he’s just a kid and he tries to be careful, but I’d rather keep my priceless material possessions in one piece.

Austin and Kristy ended up getting stuck in traffic on their way to dinner, so I decided to talk Tim up a little bit before I became distracted by Austin.  He’s a business man too, owns a small chain of restaurants in one of Boston’s more prominent tourist districts, and has done very well.  Learning about his business reassured me a little, told me that he wasn’t after Davey’s money or anything like that.  It was strange...I began to forget about my labels for him, about him being gay.  When you push all that aside, he’s a really cool, smart guy.

I guess...I guess if I had to pick a guy for Davey to be with, it would be him.  Hell, we even started talking about the wedding, as weird as it was.  For the first time, I was actually comfortable with the idea of it, and could feel myself getting excited that Davey was going to start that next part of his life, normal or not.  They want a fall ceremony, and of course I told them I would spare no expense.  I wanted to call a wedding coordinator for them, but Davey...I think he’s still a little timid about his family being involved in this.  He told me he would think about the coordinator, so I backed down.  Then Austin showed up, and we immediately got lost in what’s been going on in his world.  

I noticed that Kristy was glowing, and smiling a lot more than I’m used to.  Sure, she moved out here to be closer to my brother, and Abbey and I have always known they’ve had a thing for each other since they were kids, but Austin never wanted to commit, even after she moved here.  They seemed a lot closer tonight as they talked to us.  Austin would put his arm around her at some points while he was laughing with Davey and Tim too, and by the time the dinner ended, I was convinced that if they aren’t secretly engaged now...they’re going to be really soon.

I know Abbey will freak out if that happens.  Kristy is the only woman she’s ever approved of when it comes to Austin’s love life, and I’m sure she’ll push really hard to get them married as quickly as possibly when the time comes.

As for Trace, I’m just not sure how he’ll react.  He’s never said it to me, but I always suspected he wasn’t thrilled when she moved out here.  That’s his little girl, and he probably felt like he was losing her.  I’ve tried to keep him updated, but Austin caught onto that at some point, and started being secretive about his relationship with Kristy.  I dropped it, stopped asking questions, but I know I won’t be able to hold back for much longer.  If they’re getting married we need to know...

I mean, I hope they don’t elope or something.  Trace would kill Austin.  Hell, I would kill him.  I need to sit down with him, really sit down with my brother the next time we’re alone and ask him to tell me what’s going on.  He’s like me...if you get in him cornered he caves in like a little wimp.

Next week I’ll focus on those issues, though.  This weekend, I have to put all my energy into surviving Conner’s birthday party.  Between the clown, the bounce house, the magician, and the twenty some odd kids from his class running around my yard, I’ll be lucky if Abbey and I don’t lose our minds by the end of it all.

I’ll take on the challenge though, just like I do every year, because I love my son.

The garage door slides closed behind me as I turn the car off, and I silently make my way into the house.  It’s almost one, which means my children are in bed, and if I wake up Conner, I know Abbey will crush my balls the first chance she gets.  It takes me twenty minutes to get up the staircase because of this, and I let out a small sigh when I finally reached the top.  Normally I’d have to tiptoe to the end of the hall to avoid waking up the kids, but when I see the soft light glowing from Mason’s partially open doorway, I know he’s still awake...probably studying.

Shit.

I was supposed to help him with his calculus.

Abbey didn’t remind me, gave me a pass, because of everything that’s gone on this week.  I know that. Otherwise she would have chewed my ass out when I called her earlier, told me I better get home so our son wouldn’t think I don’t care about him.  It’s crappy, but I admit...I don’t dote on Mason as much as the other kids.  He’s always been the self sufficient one.  The one who could entertain himself when Vic was throwing a fit, or when Conner was a baby and I had to help Abbey with him and control Vic at the same time.  He’s always been a little closer with his mother too, and while it’s crappy, it’s something I’ve always swept to the side.  My relationship with him, at times, seems so...professional.  I give him advice about school, and about taking over the business.  Our idea of spending real quality time together these days is when I bring him to the office with me...

I could be doing more, but...I get so distracted between Vic’s gymnastics schedule, Conner, Abbey, and overseeing the business, I don’t make it a priority.

And I should.

I pass by Conners bedroom before I reach Mason’s, and open the door gently so as not to wake him.  The room is dark, except for the soft glow of his nightlight next to the bed.  I smile a little as I creep into the room, and kiss him gently on the forehead.  He turns slightly, sighs, but doesn’t wake.  I find myself staring at him for a good amount of time, thinking about how much fun we have, and how boring our lives would be without him.  Even though he was more of a surprise than anything else, he was the perfect addition to our family, and I know Abbey wasn’t ready to stop having babies, even though she tried to pretend she was.

I slip out of Conner’s room quietly, and pull the door closed, before walking the few feet to Mason’s door.  I knock gently.  “Mase...you up?”

No answer.

I push the door open further, and can’t help but let out a gentle laugh when I see him there at his desk, passed out cold with his books and notes surrounding him.  He does this more than I’d like him to, but I understand.  He’s an overachiever at school...a perfectionist, probably they way I would have been if my childhood had been a little different.  I’m happy for him though.  Happy I can give him everything that I couldn’t have when I was his age.  I glance around the room, admiring the achievements adoring his walls.  So many certificates, awards, and trophies...just because he tries hard.  He’ll do great in college, and I can’t wait for him to take over my business one day.  I know he’ll be a financial wizard, probably even better than me...and that’s good.  I want better for him.  I want his life to be easier than mine was.

“Mase.”  I go over to him, and shake him gently.  “Hey...buddy.”

“Mm.”  He groans and turns his head slightly.  “Five minutes, ma.”r32;

I laugh.  “It’s not time for school yet.  Come on, get in bed.  You’re exhausted.”

His eyes crack open, and when he realizes its me, he quickly shakes the sleep out of him and sits up at the desk again.  “One more chapter.  I have to do well on this test.”

“I know you’re mad at me.  You can say it, Mason.  I completely forgot about studying.”

He shrugs.  “It’s fine.”

“How about tomorrow?”

“Test’s tomorrow.”

“Oh...well...maybe we can just hang out after you get home.  How about that?”

“No...it’s fine, Dad.  You don’t have to make this up to me.”

“But I want to.”

Then he looks at me, and it’s a cold look, a demeaning one.  “How about you start remembering the plans you make with me the first time around.”

I sigh.  “That’s not really fair, Mason.  There’s a lot going on this week.”

“You’ve never let me make excuses for my mistakes.”  He glares at me a little, and gets up from the desk chair.  “Every time I’ve fucked up, or been late...or whatever, you lecture me.  But it’s completely fine for you to mess up, right?”

“No...”

“Look, I know Vic is more important.  It’s always been that way.”  He throws his covers aside and slides into his bed.  “It doesn’t even matter.  I’m over it, and I need to get some sleep.”

“Mase...”

He flicks off his light.  “Good night.”

I open my mouth to say something else, to prove him wrong, but something stops me.  I guess it’s too late, and I’m too tired to get into a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong right now, but I know I’m going to have to face this thing with him at some point.  We need to talk and I need to get to the bottom of his feelings.

I just don’t know when we’ll be able to do that, because he’s angry and well...

I know I’m going to get busy again too.

I leave his room, pull the door closed, and try to put him to the back of my mind.  I stop at Vics door, and peer inside at her quickly, smiling when I see her fast asleep in bed.  She’s not the most sound sleeper, so I don’t dare enter her room to risk waking her up, just gently pull the door closed again, and finally head to my own bedroom.  The scent of her...the love of my life, fills my nostrils as I enter, and I can’t help but smile.

She’s asleep, and since I don’t have the heart to wake her, I strip down to my boxers instead, and slide into bed with her, making sure to wrap my arms around her like I always do.  She shifts slightly, and mumbles in her sleep, but I’m sure she’s not waking up anytime soon, so I concentrate on drifting off myself.

“How was dinner?”

Guess she wasn’t out cold after all.

I smile.  “It was good...great actually, but we can talk in the morning.”

“I wish I could wait til the morning, J, but if I don’t talk to you now I’m going to lie awake all night thinking about it.”

A slight twinge of fear passes through me.  Abbey never talks like this unless there’s something wrong, and I can’t even remember the last time she had to lie awake thinking about anything.  The truth is, I take care of our issues before they have a chance to have an impact on Abbey’s happiness.  “What’s the matter? Is it Braeden?”

“Partially but...that’s not what I’m most worried about.  We can talk about him tomorrow.  Mason is having some issues too, but I know we can deal with them.”

“Yeah...Mason just gave me an earful.”  I kiss the back of her neck lovingly.  “Kid thinks I hate him or something.”

But she doesn’t acknowledge my comment.

“Babe, has Vic said anything to you lately about being tired?”

I sit up slightly, the concern in her voice alarming me entirely too much.  It’s not like her.  She’s never sounded this worried about any of our kids since that time Mason got stung by a bee when he was just a baby.  Luckily for us, none of them have had a serious health issue since that time.  Sure, they’ve gotten the flu, Strep Throat...things like that, but nothing that couldn’t be cured with some antibiotics and rest.  “Not to me but...she’s been focusing really hard on State.  I was expecting her to get a little drained.  She always does when there’s a big competition like this, plus she’s all worked up about Florida.”r32;

“I don’t know.”

“So...do you think she’s sick or something?”

“She slept til eleven thirty today.  Jess took her shopping around three, and then she came home and passed out about an hour later.  The last couple of weeks she’s been coming home from school and gymnastics, and passing out almost right away.  Maybe I’m just worrying too much, but if that school doesn’t require a physical before she goes, I think we should have her get one anyway.”

“It does require a physical.  I made that appointment for her just the other day.  They can get her in Monday morning.”

She lets out a heavy sigh.  “Good.”

“I’ll...I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow,” I say, trying to hide the fact that I’m just as scared as my wife is.  “I’m sure it’s just fatigue, Ab.  I’ll get her on some better vitamins and a higher protein diet. Don’t worry.”  I pull her close to me.  “It’s fine.”

“Yeah...”

But I know she doesn’t believe me.

And...and I hate it...

I hate that I’m scared right now.  Scared when it’s probably just a little fatigue.  I don’t know...it’s like I can sense something is wrong, just like Abbey can.  

I don’t sleep.

“DADDY!”

Mason jumps on me at quarter after seven, and I hear Abbey groaning as he giggles and rolls in between us.  Normally I’d be laughing along with him, tickling and wrestling with him in the bed...driving my wife crazy.

But not this morning.

“Hey Big Red.”  I smile and ruffle his hair as I give him a kiss on the top of the head.  “Watch some cartoons with momma, okay?”  I flick the TV on and flip to my sons favorite channel.

Abbey sits up in bed.

We stare at each other.

“I’m going to...check...”r32;

She nods.  “Yeah.”

I race out of the room.  I know she gets it, and I know that right now I’m the only one that can sit down and talk to Vic about how she’s been feeling and get an honest answer out of her.  That’s how it is with us...we don’t keep secrets, we never have, that’s why we’re so close.

“Vic.”  I practically knock the door down, feel a little stupid about it, but when I see her there in bed, clearly still passed out, I forget about everything else.  I just go to her, sit down on the edge of the bed and gently stroke her long blonde hair.  “Vickie.”

“Hm...Daddy?”  She turns and cracks her eyes open.  “Hey,” she smiles.

“H-hey.”  I force a smile.  “Can we talk for a sec?”

Her smile fades.  “What happened? Did mom say something else about camp?”

I laugh a little.  “No...no it’s not about that.”

“Oh.”  She cocks her head to the side.  “Well, what’s wrong Daddi-o? You look like somebody just knocked the wind out of you.”

She’s right.  “How’ve you been feeling?”

She shrugs.  “Okay I guess.  State’s been taking a lot of energy out of me.”

“Mom says you’ve been sleeping a lot more than normal.”

She rolls her eyes.  “God, she has you in on that whole thing too? Dad...it’s nothing okay? I’m just catching up on my rest.”

“Are you sure?” My voice cracks a little.

God, I’m such a wimp when it comes to my only daughter.

It’s just the thought of something being wrong...I just don’t know how I would be able to handle that.  

I doubt I could handle life without my little girl.

“Dad, I’m fine.”  She laughs and throws her arms around me.  “Really.  I don’t have to go to school today, my grade in that class was high enough so I don’t have to take the final, so I was going to go for a run this morning and get some extra time in at the gym later.  I swear.”

It makes me smile for her, genuinely this time.  “Oh yeah?”

She holds up her fingers.  “Scouts honor.”

“Well, you have to get a physical before camp anyway,” I nod.  “We’ll see what he has to say.”

She groans.  “Da-ad.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I chuckle, confident that she’ll be just fine.  “Want a running buddy?”

“You have time?”

“I always have time for you.”  I kiss her cheek.  “Get dressed.  I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“Okay.”  

She smiles at me once more, before getting up and going to her dresser.  I get up too, about to head downstairs so she can get dressed in privacy.

Then everything seems to just...stop.

Vic sneezes, which normally wouldn’t cause me alarm, but when I see her pull her hands away from her face, I’m completely horrified.  The blood is just..everywhere, dripping down her face and onto her hands.  Naturally she just stares at me, shocked, not knowing what’s happening to her.

I rush to her, help her hold her hands over her nose as the blood continues to drip down her face.  I’m shaking, I can feel it, but somehow I manage to get her to the bathroom so she can lean over the sink.  I run the water, rubbing her back gently as she coughs, spattering droplets of blood all over the sink.  I keep asking her if it hurts, and she keeps shaking her head, but she can’t seem to stop crying, and the bleeding...it doesn’t stop either.

I just... I don’t know what to do...what to think.

“ABBEY!”

Conner runs in before she can get there though, and I curse loudly as Vic continues to whimper over the sink.  “GET OUT!” r32;r32;I’ve never screamed at my kid like this...ever.

He stares at me, his bottom lip trembling.  “Vickie...what’s wrong with Vickie?”

“Justin...” Abbey reaches the doorway, breathlessly, her eyes going wide and her face turning pale when she sees us standing over the sink.  “Oh...oh my God...what happened!"

"It just...started...”

She quickly grabs a washcloth, and tells me to go get in the car, that we have to take her to the hospital, as she shoves me aside and starts to clean the blood off our daughters face.

But I can’t move.

I can’t do anything.

I’m just terrified right now.

Someone helps me, makes me walk down the stairs...out to the car, and it’s only when I’m sitting there in the passenger seat that I realize it’s Braeden.

“I can drive us.  Jess is staying with Conner.”  He says it to me as he takes the drivers seat and turns the engine over.  Moments later I hear Abbey and Vic getting into the back of my car.

From that point on, everything else is a blur.

(Present Day)

“I told you a little time away would do you some good.”

I shrug, continue to watch my son and my best friends son Derrick playing with their toys and looking out over the Yachts railing, squealing with joy when they see the dolphins swimming around down below.  It gets me to smile, but inside a part of me feels like shit.  I mean, I shouldn’t.  That part of my life…those feelings, they’re in the past now, and what I do in my life isn’t her concern.  I lied to her about something that had to do with our son though, so maybe…that gives me a reason to feel guilty.  I told Abbey this trip was for business, when in reality I’ve been planning this vacation with Trace for weeks.  There’s no work here, aside from some emails and cell phone calls.  We’ve rented a luxury Yacht for a ten day trip around various parts of Europe, wanted to take our sons and have a good time. Trace got divorced over a year ago, and while I said I would be married to that woman for the rest of my life, here I sit, divorced, single, and to be honest, about ready to start playing the field again.  It’s like old times with Trace and I.  No barriers, besides our kids, to keep us from the other fish in the sea.

Austin told me he couldn’t believe I was ready to go on a date so soon, and I told him, I have to have a life after Abbey.

We’re not as close anymore.  Then again, Austin and I have always sort of butted heads.  I mean, I love him…he’s my brother, but we’re both stubborn, and stick to what we believe in.  He’s always had a close bond with Abbey too, so I know he’s just trying to stick up for her, or…get us back together like he did when he was a kid.

This time though, we won’t be getting back together.  I’ve accepted it.

When I picked Conner up, I think it was the first time we were really civil with each other since the divorce finalized, hell, even before that.  We haven’t gotten along since Vic…since she took a turn for the worse.  Now, I’m trying to see through the fog thats seemed to blanket our lives for so long.  I want to make Conners life the best and the happiest it can be.  I mean, Mason…Mason is my son too, but he’s not going to budge.  He has it set in his mind that I destroyed the family and I wasn’t there for ‘mom’ like I should have been.  I told him if that’s how he felt, I would have to accept it, but I couldn’t wallow in misery because of it.  He’s 17, grown, knows I’m here if he needs anything, and I guess that’s the way things will be for awhile.

I try not to think about it, try not to let it bother me.

Conner is all I have left, and I’ll do anything to make sure we always have a good relationship.  If I lost Big Red, I think it would push me completely over the edge.  At first, when Abbey was giving me an issue about contesting to the divorce, I wanted to file for sole custody and Mac told me it would be easy enough to win.  Something stopped me though.

I guess…I guess I didn’t want to see Abbey lose one more part of her life either, because a part of me still cared about her.

A part of me always will.

“We’ll be docking momentarily gentlemen,” The captain informs us. “I’ve informed your chauffeur of your arrival time, and he will be waiting to drive you to the resort.”

“Thanks David,” I smile for him.

“Just yell if you need anything in the meantime.”  He smiles once more and rushes off to attend to something else.

“You’re gonna love this place man.  A private villa just for you and Conner, no one around to bug you, and I’m sure there will be plenty of eye candy,” he smirks.  “They have day care too…just in case.”

I roll my eyes.  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“Hey I said we were going to have fun on this trip.  It doesn’t have to be all Romper Room.”

I shrug.  “I know…I just…I want to give Conner a good vacation, that’s all.  I want him to remember it, make some memories with me.”

“Damn, you know…I’m sort of glad we’re bachelors again and everything, but the sappiness has stuck with you.”

I suck in a silent breath, because his words have hit me hard.  He’s right.  I am a big old sap, and the only reason for that, is because my ex wife brought it out of me…because she cared…

God.

I get up quickly, and Trace doesn’t hesitate to give me a concerned look.  “I’m gonna get Conner ready to dock, all right?”  

“You okay, man?”

He knows.  He’s not stupid.  Things with Abbey and I were a lot different than they were between him and Shawna.  Trace was never cut out for marriage, really.  He’s always been too focused on work and business, and Shawna was never the type that had patience for that lifestyle.  He married her out of necessity, because she gave him an ultimatum.  Abbey was always able to conform, because she loved me, and I loved her…I loved her so hard.  Sometimes, I still can’t believe we really did it, that we really signed papers and split up for good.

But we did.

The worst part about it is that Vic is still gone.  Getting divorced didn’t change that.  Hell, I don’t even know if it made things better, because our kids are a mess and when I look at Abbey, I can tell a part of her, a huge part of her, has died along with our daughter.

I tell myself that I’m fine.

But I’m just as fucked up.  That’s where therapy comes in, although, I haven’t been going as often.  I’m too caught up in my life, I guess.  Austin still runs the day to day operations of Timberlake Financial, but I’m still very much involved from the sidelines.  That mixed with planning my youngest brothers nuptials has kept me busy since the funeral.  I kind of dove head first into that, because it helped me to forget what was going on.  I think that was when I truly lost any hope of having a relationship with Mason.

I regret it.  I regret a lot of things, but at least I spent every possible minute I could with Vic before she passed.

That’s the most important thing.

I keep her picture with me, in my wallet, take it out when I’m having a really terrible day.  Sometimes seeing her brilliant smile is the only thing that can get me through.  It helps me remember her, remember what life was like when she was still with us.  When I could still hug her and promise her the entire world if that’s what would make her the happiest.

Maybe I loved her too much.  Maybe that’s my biggest downfall.  

“What’s going to happen to me?”

I look into her eyes.  They’re just like Abbey’s but when I look over my shoulder to see her reaction to our daughters response, she’s not there.  It’s okay.  She just needs a minute.  “Well, there’s different treatments…”  I force myself to give her a positive smile, and squeeze her hand.  “They’ll try a few things to find out what works best, and then you’ll get better.”

“But it’s…Daddy it’s Cancer.”  Her bottom lip trembles, and I know she’s never been more scared than she is right now.  “You don’t just get…better…from Cancer.”

“Right,” I nod.  “But we’re fighters right? We don’t give up, for anything, or anyone.  We fight as hard as we can, and we will, baby.  I’m gonna be right here with you.”

She nods, but when the tears glide down her cheeks, I know words aren’t the answer right now.

She’s terrified.

“C’mere.”  I pull her close to my chest, and she wraps her arms around me, so tight, like she’ll never let me go, and sobs harshly into my chest.  I try to return her embrace, force it to tell her that I’m here, that I’ll always be able to protect her, that I’ll be able to save her from this.

But I…I just don’t know if I can.  

And that’s when I feel the tears again.

“Daddy.”

I snap out of it, see my son standing there looking bewildered.  He looks at me this way a lot.  I remember…after the funeral, I sat out by the pool all day just thinking about…about everything.  Eventually Conner wandered out there, and just stared at me like he had no clue what to do with himself.  Vic was always the mediator with him, took him under her wing when he started to get on Mason’s nerves.  She was his protector…his ‘big sis’, and I don’t think he could comprehend that she wasn’t coming back.

I couldn’t hug him that day, because I didn’t want to cry in front him.  I told him to go find out where his grandmother was instead.  I spent a lot of time with my therapist so I could act normal around him again.  It worked I guess, because we’re here.  He’s never really understood where Vic went though.  I’ve tried to explain it to him so he’ll understand, but mostly, he thinks she just went on a trip that she’ll eventually return from.

“You can’t let Big Red miss me.  He has to know I’ll be looking out for him.”

Vic’s voice is raspy and her eyes are half closed.  I gently pull the chair up to her bedside and sit down, making sure to grab her hand and lace my fingers through it.  Her skin is cold, sickly…half dead.

I don’t say it, because I can’t say it.  If I say it, I’ll crack…

But she doesn’t have long, a few more weeks, if we’re lucky.

“He’s not going to miss you,” I smile gently and kiss her hand.  “You’re not going anywhere.  You’re going to get better.”

“Daddy.”  The smile eventually finds its way onto her lips, and it seems to take every ounce of her strength to hold it in place.  “Promise me you’ll…help him to understand.”

I can’t cry.

But I am, because she’s accepted this.  She’s accepted that there are no more treatments, no more options.

And that means I have to accept it too.  I have to accept it today, because she needs me to.

“I promise, Vic.”

“And you…”  She forces her eyes to open wider.  “You have to help Mason too.”

I nod.

“You have to Daddy.  You…you have to talk to him more.  He doesn’t think…that you want to talk him.  He thinks you like me better and I never…I never wanted that Daddy.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Promise.”

“I promise, Vic.”

“Daddy.”

Damn it.

I sniffle and harshly wipe at my face.

“Daddy are you sad like mommy?”

I ruffle his hair and smile harshly for him.  “I’m okay buddy.”

I’m a liar, but what my son just said sticks with me as we prepare to leave the ship.

At least I know Abbey is going through the same type of thing.  I just wish we could get through it together, but it’s too late now.

“Make sure mom knows I…understand.  I know why she hasn’t…hasn’t been able to come.  Promise me…promise me that…you’ll stick together.”

“I…”  I can’t continue.  I look down at the mattress while I continue to squeeze her hand.  I sob like a little baby, because I know how bad things are between Abbey and I…that they won’t get better.

But she doesn’t know that.  At least, she’s not supposed to…but Mason may have filled her in about whats been going on at home, despite my warnings.

“Daddy.”

I collect myself.  I have to.  Then I look her in they eyes again.

“Daddy please.” Her voice is weaker now.  Weaker than it’s ever been.

“I-I promise Vic.”

She nods slightly and her eyes slide closed again after a moment.  She’s asleep within minutes and it’s only then that I’m able to slip away.  Out in the hall, I can’t do anything else but break down. No one bothers me.  They know what’s going on, what’s going to happen in a couple of weeks.

I’ll be bringing her body home with me.

Remembering all of that chills me to the core, because I know that I went back on my word, my promise to Vic, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
**************
(Chemotherapy Week 2)

“Vic.” I rap lightly on the door and listen.  When I hear her quietly sobbing on the other side, I feel my heart break a little bit more.

“Just go away.”

I narrow my eyes but Abbey doesn’t seem to have an answer for me.  She looks down at the ground, because she knows what’s wrong.  She told me it was starting, but Vic has been doing everything she can to hide it from us.

It’s been hard.  I can’t deny that.  Telling her was like torture.  The only thing she wanted to know was how long it was going to take to get better and if she could still go to camp anyway.  Naturally, the answer was no, and it seemed to kill something inside of my daughter.  She hasn’t been the same, not with us, not with her friends or her brothers. But I guess…we knew she wouldn’t be.

 Abbey and I have put our lives on hold due to everything that’s happened.  I feel like shit, because Conner barely had a birthday.  With Vic’s new treatments, we had time for a cake and a few friends at the house.  He sort of understands that his sister isn’t feeling well, but we haven’t elaborated.  He’s eight…too innocent to deal with something scary like Cancer, so we’ve played it off as the sniffles.  Mason doesn’t like it.  He told us we should be honest with Conner so he doesn’t get hurt if something bad happens.
I wanted to smack my son for even thinking that Vic isn’t going to beat this thing.  Abbey has defended him time and time again, tells me he’s a realist or some stupid crap like that.  I told her he has an attitude problem that needs adjusting.

We’re trying to avoid that argument.  We can’t afford to have any at this juncture.

“Vic, honey…it’s really not so bad.  We’re going to the hair people tomorrow, and you…you won’t even notice the difference.”

“I told you to leave Mom! Just leave!”

“Jesus.”  Abbey mutters it and rubs her face harshly.  “I…I don’t know what to do…”

I lean in and give her a soft kiss on the forehead.  “Why don’t you take a few minutes, okay? I’ll…I’ll figure this out.”

“I can’t just leave you to deal with it.”

“Ab, it’s fine,” I nod, and force a smile.  It’s all I’ve been doing lately, forcing smiles, shaking hands, staying positive for everyone, when in reality I’ve just wanted to break down and bawl like a baby.

I can’t though.  I’m the man…the dad, the strong one.

I refuse to let Vic see me cry, because I know if she does…she’ll start to think things aren’t going to work out.

But they will work out.  

“Go on,” I whisper.  “Go check on Conner and fix yourself something to eat.  You’re exhausted.”

She gives me this look like I’m worse than she is.  She’s probably right too, but I couldn’t care less.

“Just…just let me know if you need something.”

“I will.”

I watch her go, and wait until she’s completely out of site before I try to open the door. Vic didn’t lock it, but I approach with caution once my eyes land on her.  She’s curled up in the corner of the bathroom, hands balled into fists in her lap, clutching the remaining blond clumps of hair from her head.  She’s completely bald now, and I feel…I feel a searing pain begin to form in the pit of my stomach.  My cheeks grow hot, and I know I’m about thirty seconds away from losing it.  I can’t even get any words out…it’s taking all of my strength to hold my emotions back from Vic.  

“I’m a freak,” she moans.  “Look at me…just fucking look at me!”

“Victoria.” I say it softly, but sternly.  

She throws the clumps of hair at me, and begins to bawl hysterically.  It’s…it’s almost strange.  In sixteen years I’ve never seen her lose it like this.  She’s always been strong and resilient, never letting anything get her down, because that’s how I raised her.

Now she’s just…hopeless, even though I remind her every single day that we’re going to beat this and get back to normal.

It’s like she doesn’t believe me.

I take the initiative because I know I have to, and go sit down beside her.  “C’mon.”  I slowly put an arm around her shoulders, and pull her into me.  She doesn’t push me away.  I don’t think she has it in her.  Instead she takes advantage and cries harshly into me.  She wont’ do this with her mother.  She barely talks to her now.  She just clings to me because she’s scared.  It’s like when she was a little kid…the only person that could ever seem to get through to her was me.

So I let her do it.  I’d do anything to make her feel just a little bit better about all this.

“You’re still gorgeous,” I whisper in her ear.  “Nothing can take that away.”

“Daddy.”

She’s looking up at me now, her blue irises even bolder now with her hair missing.

“Yeah, Vic.”  I reach out and slowly wipe some of her tears away with the tips of my fingers.  

“Am I going to die?”

My heart skips a beat, but I do my best not to seem alarmed.  “Of course not.”

“I was reading,” she whimpers.  “They said that…that there’s a better chance of death with my type of Cancer…”

“Stop it.”  I grip her firmly by the shoulders.  “You’re not going to die,” I tell her harshly.  “Do you understand?”

“You can’t know that,” she sobs.  “How can you know that?”

“Because we’re fighting back, Vic. All this…your hair and the vomiting, it’s not for nothing.”

She shakes her head slowly.  

“It’s another couple of weeks, that’s all.  Then we should hear some results.  This medicine…it’ll probably kill the Cancer and then we can move on.  You just have to hang on a little longer, Vic.”

“Doctor Pierson said if this doesn’t work I’ll have to get radiation and it will make me sicker,” she says quietly.  “I don’t want to be sicker than this.”

I rub her shoulders consolingly, close my eyes as I gently kiss the top of her head . “You won’t have to get radiation.”

“Do you promise?”

“I…”  I have to stop.  Abbey will kill me for giving her false expectations.  Dr. Pierson already warned us about doing that.  At the same time though…I can’t stand to see her this way.

I have to give her something to hope for, to look forward to.

“I promise, Vic.  Now come on, we have to be at the hospital in an hour, and then maybe we can go to a movie after chemo if you feel okay.”

She manages a small smile after a moment.  “All right.”

I kiss her face.  “That’s my girl.”  I help her to her feet next and into the hall where the wheelchair is waiting. We’ve moved all of her things into a downstairs guest room for the time being.  It’s just easier. The chemo has taken most of her energy away.  Last week she slipped and fell down half a flight of stairs so Abbey and I decided we couldn’t take anymore chances.  Vic hates this, but I was firm with her, told her she didn’t have a choice because it was her safety at stake.

“Baby.”

I open the front door for us and look back over my shoulder, smiling slightly when I see her standing there.  “Yeah?”

“Can we talk after you get Vic settled?”

“Um…sure Ab…”  I trail off and look back down at my daughter, who is staring up at me curiously.  Her eyes are sunken in and have dark circles underneath them.  She looks so damn sick…

I shudder.

I get Vic settled in the car, leave the on the a/c and some music before kissing her cheek and telling her that I’ll be right back.  She rolls her eyes but doesn’t protest, which I guess is good.  

“Hey.”  I skid to a stop in the open doorway and my gaze lands on my wife who is sitting on the small sofa in the foyer, arms crossed.

She’s pissed.

“Justin,” she sighs.  “I heard you talking about the radiation with Vic…”

“Abbey.”  I say it gently but firmly before stepping all the way back inside the house and closing the door behind me.  “She’s panicked right now.  I just wanted her to feel better.”

“Promising her something like that at this stage is cause for disaster,” she says it seriously.  “You know that.”

“She’s not going to need radiation.”  I laugh it out, like I’m blowing the idea off.  Like I’m not worried about it.  “She’ll get through the next couple of weeks of Chemo and we’ll all move on with our lives.”

My wife debates what I’ve said for several moments.  It’s like she’s fighting some crazy battle with herself and I don’t have a clue why.  “Ab?”

“Pierson said I shouldn’t tell you.”

My stomach drops, and I feel my eyes grow wide, intense.  “Tell me what?”

She shakes her head.

“Tell me what!”  I scream it at her.

I never scream at her.  Hell, I’ve barely raised my voice to her in fifteen years.  It shows. She’s staring me down like I’m the worst husband in the world right now.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” I whisper, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand.  When I pull it away, I find that it’s soaked in sweat, and my hand itself is trembling.  “I didn’t meant to yell at you.”

She sighs harshly and slowly makes her way over to where I’m standing.  “This isn’t easy for me either, Justin.”

I grip her hands in mine and place a gentle kiss on her lips.  “What’d the doctor say?”  The tears are right behind my eyes, threatening to spill over, and it’s all I can do to keep my emotions hidden from her.

“He called yesterday, while you were out handling things with Austin.  He said…” She trails off and pulls her hands from mine, so she can rub her face harshly.  When she takes them away, her eyes are filled with tears.  “He said that nothing has changed.”

My mouth falls open.  “Nothing?”

She shakes her head.  “He said it…he said it’s getting worse.”

I laugh.  I think it’s the only thing I can do.  The only alternative is to break down and bawl like a baby, and I can’t.  I can’t be a mess for my wife, and I certainly can’t be a mess for my kids.

“How is this funny to you?” Abbey snaps.

“He’s just doesn’t know what he’s saying…he’s a quack, that’s all.  I’ll find another doctor.”

“He’s the best damn doctor in the country, Justin!  You just don’t want to accept that this thing is bigger than we originally thought!”

She’s right.  I hate that.  I hate it, because it makes me feel powerless, like there’s nothing else I can do right now but wait and see what a stronger treatment will do to my daughter.

“Maybe I just have a little more faith than you do.  I mean, fuck Ab, you couldn’t even stick around in the hospital room after we told her.  You just walked out and left me to handle it!”

She’s silent.

I shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have brought it up. 

“Okay, that’s fine, Justin. Take her to Chemo and keep lying to her, give her false expectations, so when it really matters, she’ll turn into an even bigger mess.  In the meantime, I’m going to make sure our other children aren’t being neglected.”

“Neglected? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

But she doesn’t answer me, she just storms away.  To be honest, we’ve never had a fight like this since we’ve been married.

It worries me just slightly, but then I remember that my daughter is waiting…waiting for me to take her to Chemo and promise that she’s going to be just fine.  That’s the priority.

That’s the priority even if it means putting Abbey to the back of my mind for now.

(Present Day)

“So what do you think?”

“I think…” He pauses in the middle of the gigantic ballroom and smirks as he gazes around.  “It’s definitely a place my brother would pick.”

I groan.  “Come on Dave.”

“What?  I speak the truth.  This place is huge, like the place you guys had your wed…well, that’s not the point.  This is just too big for Tim and I.  We want a more intimate reception.”

I do my best to keep myself composed.  It’s not Davey’s fault.  He and his partner are just a little picky, and while most wedding planners would scoff at a couple who booked their reception just a few weeks out, Justin’s money is limitless and because of that we’ve been promised that the wedding can be booked and ready in time for the big day by every single person we’ve talked to. They’re all so hungry for this, I guess because it’s such a huge wedding.  Justin really is one of the biggest names in Texas too, and people bend over backwards for him here, just like they did in New York City.

The moment I told Davey that his brother had taken Conner for two weeks, he didn’t hesitate to fly out here.  Tim had to stay behind for work, but told him if he was going to come out, could he make sure to pick the wedding venue before he came home.  That’s where I came in.  Justin had forwarded me a list of venues he thought would be ‘appropriate’ about a month ago, but to be honest, this is the first time I’ve looked at it.  I just didn’t care, didn’t want to open his stupid fucking email.

I gotta stop being so bitter.

“This is a very nice place, though.  Wolfgang Puck himself would even cater it. Isn’t that cool?”

My Davey shrugs.  “I’m sorry.”  He leans in and pecks me a kiss on the cheek.  “I just…really hate this venue, and Tim and I prefer Gordon Ramsay.”

“Fine.”  I hold my  breath as I scratch Union Station off the dwindling list of wedding venues.  “You realize we have like two weeks left, don’t you?”

“We don’t mind eloping…”

I narrow my eyes at him.

“Okay okay,” he laughs.  “I’m sure I’ll fine something I like.”

“You’ll find it today, Dave.”

He nods.  “Right.  Today.  Let’s go to the next place, Mom.” He loops his arm through mine and can’t seem to drag me out of Union Station fast enough.  We’re back in my black X5 quickly, and it’s hard for me not to take my frustrations out on the gas pedal.

“This list is bogus,” he tells me after looking it over for awhile.  “I wouldn’t want to have my reception at any of these places.  Justin wrote this didn’t he?”

“Mmhm.”  I put on my blinker and turn the corner.

“Couldn’t you have made any type of suggestions to the list? You know me better than this.”

“I didn’t really look at it.”

“I love you too, Ma.”

“Come on Davey.” I glare at him a little bit.  “It hasn’t exactly been the best couple of months.  I haven’t had that much time, and I knew you would find a place you liked on your own, so I wasn’t worried about it.”

“I feel like…I feel like this whole wedding is just an afterthought to you.  Justin may be selfish and everything between you two may have gotten really messed up, but at least he’s trying to help me plan this.”

I don’t want to snap at him, or yell at him.  This is really important, a milestone in his life, and he is my son, no matter what.  I’m acting selfish, but my mind is just a clusterfuck.  I haven’t been able to focus on anything, in months.  Conner is lucky I can even remember his schedule most weeks.

I’m a wreck.  A wreck and my ex husband has moved on in the blink of an eye.

“You’re not an afterthought, Dave.  All right? I’m…I’m sorry.”  I glance over at him and give him a reassuring smile.  “I’m…I’m excited for you, and so happy for both of you.  You have to know that.”

“I…I know.”

It’s silent for a long time.

“I wish it didn’t come to down to all of this, Mom.  I wish it could have worked out because…you two being together, saved me.”

Hearing that makes me want to cry.

But I can’t.

“I wish it had worked out too, baby.”  I rub his thigh gently, and grip the steering wheel more tightly when I put my hand back in place.

“How’s Conner liking Europe?” He says brightly, trying to change the subject.  “Justin text me a picture yesterday.  They were on a gondola with Trace and Derrick.  Looked like a blast.”

“Trace?”

“Well…yeah, they all went together…”

“No, Justin isn’t going overseas until next week.”

“Oh…”  Davey looks out the window.

“David.”

He’s silent.

“David you better tell me what’s going on.”

“I thought you knew.  Justin has been planning this for months…it’s a big two week getaway.  He rented a Yacht and everything.”

“He said he was going to Lisbon to meet with clients next week and wanted to take Conner!  That was all he told me!”

“I…I don’t know, Mom.  He didn’t tell me that the trip was a secret! I’m sorry!”

It’s not his fault.  I have to keep telling myself that, because if I don’t, I’ll lose it.  “Dave I need to go home and call your brother.”

He nods nervously.  “O-okay.”

I have the worst feeling.  What if I can’t get in contact with Justin? What if he meant to take our son overseas, disappear in Europe so I would never be able to find them?  What if I never see my son again?

Oh my god.

I literally race home.  Davie clings to his seat the entire way, and once we pull in the driveway I throw my seatbelt off and jump out of the car, scaring the crap out of the crew of landscapers working in the front of the house.  I just don’t care.

I’m so fucking worried.

I dial Justin’s cell quickly, not even thinking about what time it might be wherever they are.

“Mm…hello?”

“Where the fuck is my son?”

“Abbey?”

“Don’t you fucking play around with me Justin!”

“Whoa…just…calm down.  What’s the matter?  You know…it’s like midnight…”

“I don’t care what time it is! Where are you!”

He sighs.  “I’m assuming somebody told you about this?”

“Yes…yes Justin! They told me! The secret is out!”

“Calm down, all right?  I just…I didn’t want you tell you what was up because I knew you would say no.”

“Are you trying to take him away from me?” I cry.

“Jesus, Ab…of course not.  What are you thinking about?”

“You lied to me!”

“For good reason! You freak the hell out over everything.  You never would have agreed to let me do this with him otherwise.”

“I’m not agreeing to it now!”

He chuckles. “Well, we’re here so it’s a little late to change your mind.”

“Oh you’re such a fucking asshole.  I’m coming out there…wherever the hell you are.  Where are you?”

“Rome.  Calm down would you? You don’t need to come.  Everything is fine.  Conner is fast asleep and very happy.  I’ll have him home, end of next week, just like I said.”

“I’m getting on the next flight.”

“Abbey…Abbey come on…”

I hang up on him, and the phone begins to ring almost immediately.  I don’t want to answer, I just want to get on the next flight to Rome, but something…I’m not sure what, makes me answer.

“I’m still coming out there, Justin.”

“Mommy?”

It’s Conners voice and the huge wave of relief washes over me.  “Baby…oh God, are you okay?”

“I’m fine mommy,” he groans.  “Why’d you wake me up? I’m tired, but Daddy said you missed me so I had to talk to you.  You know what we did yesterday? We went on a Gonda boat. And today we went to Room and Derrick an’ me ate sghetti and then we threw a coin in the Trever fountain.  I made a wish to Vicki up in heaven and daddy said she could hear me.  Then we walked up some big steps called ‘panish steps.  It’s so fun in Itahlee, mommy!  I wish you could come!”

He sounds so happy, that I can’t bring myself to freak out, tell him I’m coming to drag him straight back home.  My feelings aside, I know the past year of his life hasn’t been the happiest or the easiest.  He’s had to put up with a lot more than any eight year old should have to.  I know it was Justin’s intention to bring some joy to his life, and the only way he felt that he could do that, was by lying to me.  We’ve had a horrible falling out, that’s true, but he’s not a bad person, and he would never try to disappear with my son.

I know if he had told me his intentions, I would have forbid it.  I would have forbid my son happiness with his father because…because I’m still so bitter about so many things.

I must be a horrible fucking person by his standards.  A selfish witch.

I hate myself.

“I wish I could be there too baby.”  I feel the tears seeping out of my eyes now, and I do my best to wipe them away, but then more come.  It’s a lost cause.  “Maybe you can tell your daddy to send me some pictures tomorrow.”

“We’re goin’ to…”  He trails off for a moment and I hear Justin say “Amalfi” very quietly to him in the background.  “We’re goin’ to ‘Malfi tomorrow.  I dunno whats there though.”

“Oh that sounds like fun.”  I’m sobbing now.  “I’ll let you get your rest then, okay?  I…I love you, honey.”

“I love you too mommy! Goodnight!”

I can hear the phone being passed off and then Justin’s voice saying ‘goodnight buddy’, before his breathing gets heavier on the other end of the line.

“You hang up on me yet?”

I sniffle.  “No.”

“Davey told you right?”

“Yeah.”

“He get out to you okay?”

“He’s fine.  We…we went looking at some of the venues you emailed to me.”

“I bet he hated them.”

“You’re right.”

He laughs lightly.  “Tell him he better just pick something then.  Anything.”

“I already did.”

“Ab, I’m really sorry…I didn’t mean to make you crazy or anything.  I guess I just wanted this too badly to let something stand in the way of it.  I should have told you what my intentions were.”

“Don’t be,” I whisper.  “It sounds like Big Red is having the time of his life.”

I can hear him smiling on the other end of the line.  “He really is.”

“I won’t bother you anymore then.”

“Can I say something?”

I sigh harshly.  “I don’t know.”

“Well I’m just going to say it.”

“Fine.”

“I know you’re a wreck.”  He says it gently.  “If you ever need to talk…you know…I’m here.  I don’t hate you.  I never…I never did, Ab.  I’d really like to work on our friendship.”

“I…I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for a friendship with you, Justin.  We’re parents…we have children together.  Being civil is probably the best thing we can strive for.”

“Well…”  He trails off, seems let down.  “I’d like to be friends.”

“For now lets just focus on the kids, and Davey’s wedding.  I think it’s the best thing for now.”

“Yeah…well, all right.”

“Goodnight Justin.”

“Night.”

I hang up first so he won’t have a chance to keep me on the line.  Friends? He’s fucking lost it.

“I should have said something.”

I look in the direction of Dave’s voice.  He’s standing a few feet away, his head hanging low.

“It wasn’t your place to tattle on your brother, honey.”  I walk up to him and smooth a hand over his cheek.  “I’m not mad at you.”

“There’s this place…The Room on Main.  I was looking into it before I came out, and Tim said he liked it.  Maybe we can check it out.”

I sigh.  “You should have just told me that.”

He shrugs.  “I figured you’d want to go by Justin’s suggestions.  That’s how you are.”

I laugh at him.  “And things change.”

“I guess so.”

I stroke his face lovingly.   “I’m going to just…freshen up, and then we can head out again, all right?”

“Sure mom.”  He smiles for me and kisses my cheek.  “I’m going to call Tim and give him an update.”

“Send him my love.”

“Will do.”

I spend a half hour cowering inside the master bathroom shower, crying my eyes out.  It’s humiliating but at least it’s private.  Nobody has to know.  When I get out I feel somewhat better, refreshed, ready to take on Davey’s wedding plans once again and put Justin to the back of my mind.

Right.

I wrap the sarong around myself and step out into the bedroom.  I didn’t change a thing when Justin left, and he only took his clothing with him to his new place.  Actually, aside from a few paintings and sculptures, he left me practically everything we’ve ever owned.  I sit down on the bed, and gaze around.  My eyes land on a spot by the bathroom door, and I can smell him, feel his body on mine.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He laughs playfully, pulls me closer to him by the waist and starts to kiss my neck passionately, letting his hands travel further down my waist and underneath the waistline of my pajama bottoms.

“Justin, the kids.”

“Doors are locked, where’s the harm?”

The phone is ringing.

Shit.

I shake my head roughly, and pick it up.  “Hello.”

“Why don’t you just come out…I mean, you can even come next week after Davey goes back home.  We’ll be in Germany.  You can come on the Rhine river cruise with us.”

“Justin?”

“It’ll be fun,” he persists.  “I know Conner would love it if you came out.”

“Justin I’m not coming to Europe.  Conner is safe, that’s all I care about.”

“I thought we could talk.”

I sigh.  “Are you drinking?”

“Just some wine.  They have great wine here, Ab.  Remember when we took Mason and Vic? They were so little then.  We had fun.”

I hate this.  I hate that I have to be so blunt with him, but it’s the only way, as much as I don’t want to say it.  “It’s over, Justin.”

He’s very quiet.  “Sometimes I miss you.  I miss us.”

“Stop it.”

“I just…did you ever think this would happen, Ab?”

“I swear…I am not doing this right now.  Fuck, I don’t even know where Mason is.  I have to go.”

“You don’t really have to go,” he chuckles.  “I know you better than anybody.  You do what you want to do.”

He’s right.

“Justin listen to me, okay?”

“I’m listening.”

“It’s over.  It’s been over.”

“We got back together before.”

“You’re tipsy and that was different.”

“You’re really serious aren’t you?  You’re not in love with me anymore.”  

“You aren’t in love with me either,” I tell him.

I can hear him sipping his wine.  It makes me long for some too, but I try not to indulge if I can help it.  Not with an eight year old in the house.

“Remember when you told me you might not want to sign the papers, Ab?” Is what he says next.

“I was in denial.  You were right to force me to sign.  We both knew there was no coming back from all that.”

“Did you still love me…that day, at the lawyers meeting, Ab?  Is that why you didn’t sign?”

What the hell is this? Fuck.  No.  I will not be a part of his sick little mind game right now.  “No.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Even if I did,” I whisper.  “I don’t love you anymore.  Not like that.  I’m trying to move on Justin, and if you were sober, we wouldn’t even be having this little chat.  So why don’t you let me go, so I can finish helping Dave pick a wedding venue and figure out where our son has been hiding out for the past few days, all right?”

“Mason?”

“No our other moody seventeen year old boy.”

“I don’t know what to do about that kid.”

“That makes two of us.”

“When I come home I’ll figure it out.”

“No…no no,” I say quickly.  “I’ll handle him.  He listens to me, for the most part.  I think he might just…need some help.  Some therapy or something.  I’ve been looking into it.”

Justin laughs out loud.  “You won’t get that kid to go to therapy.  I guarantee it.  You’d have to drag him there.”

“I’ll give it a try anyway.  Please don’t call me back unless it has to do with Conner, and…could you not be drunk when our son is a room away?”

“It’s some wine, Abbey.  He’s passed out.”

“Great.  Sober up before he wakes up, all right?”

“Got it.”

“Goodnight Justin.”

“Abbey.”

“What now?” I groan.

“I’ve been thinking…about a few things.”

“Oh I’m sure you have been.”

“When I come back, I think we should pick a date, and clean out  Vics room together.”

My stomach does somersaults, and I feel so sick all of a sudden.  I put it out of my mind.  We keep the door closed.  I can’t face it, and for a long time, Justin couldn’t either.  When he was moving out, he went in there.  I think he took a few things.  I didn’t ask questions.  “Justin…”

“I think it’s time, Ab.”

I close my eyes and feel my body start to tremble.  All this talking with him tonight has been too much for me to take, and now this? What the hell is he trying to do to me?  “I have enough going on without…”

“Abbey,” he interrupts.  “It’s…it’s time.”

I know it’s not the tipsy side of him talking.  He’s thought about this a lot.  I’ve thought about it a lot too, but I think he’s more prepared to handle it than I am.  I hate that, but it’s my own fault because I didn’t cope with Vic’s passing properly.  “I guess you’re right.”

“So we’ll talk about it when I get home.”

“Right.”

“This is what I mean about friendship, Ab.  Whether you like it or not, we need to be here for each other.”

“I’m done talking.  Goodnight Justin.”

I hang up on him yet again.

This time though, he doesn’t call back.

I throw up in the bathroom, and Davey is there suddenly, rubbing my back and consoling me gently.  I can’t do anything else when I’m done except sob into his chest, and really, in a million years I never thought I’d be doing this with him.  I’ve always been his supporter, his emotional crutch.  I feel selfish for making him do this now.

“I’m so sorry,” I whimper.

“You’re allowed to cry, mom,” he whispers.  “I miss her too.”

(Present Day)

This vacation is on eight day and I haven’t talked to Abbey since day three.  It was foolish, I guess, to call her back after that third glass of wine.  I’m not sure why I asked her to come out, or if she still loved me.  My mind was playing tricks, or…feeling sentimental.  I know better now.  After a week I know I was just a little out of it, because I definitely don’t love her anymore.  Not that way.  She’ll always have a place in my heart of course.  We went through too much for her not to be, and she’s the mother of my children.

She’s right though.  It’s over.  We’re divorced, and just…moving on.  I snapped out of my wine induced gush fest in time to realize why I had originally decided to call Abbey in the first place.  I had been mulling the subject over my head for almost a month and to be honest I was terrified of bringing it up, but I knew it had to be done.  There’s things…other things I didn’t take when I first moved out, and things I know Abbey will want for herself in Vic’s bedroom.  I was only in there for ten minutes.  I needed that picture of us from her nightstand to take with me.  It was my favorite one of us and it had always been Vic’s favorite too.  But that’s all I had the stomach to take before I had to walk out of there.

Now it’s time though.  It’s time to go through her things, take what we want and donate the rest.  It’s bad to remain in the past for too long.  That’s what my therapist has told me time and time again.  Going through her things will help us move on, I’m sure of it.

But Abbey…Abbey just seemed terrified of the idea, even after she agreed to do it.

I’m almost positive she hasn’t set foot in that bedroom since Vic passed.

I know I’m going to have to get her through it, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I haven’t been emotional with her in a really long time.  The funeral was probably the last time I held her while she cried, and even then, it was only briefly because I couldn’t stomach it.  I was too angry at her for not doing what I thought she should have done while Vic was sick.  Hell, I can’t deny that a part of me still wants to be.

But I won’t let it.  Not anymore.  I just want to be happy, and I’d eventually like us to be friends.  She seems to think the idea is too far fetched, but I have hope for us.  

I believe in the little part of us that’s still left.

We’ve been in Nice, which is my favorite part of the French Rivera, since yesterday.  The boys are having the time of their lives running up and down the beach with the rest of the kids staying at our resort, and Trace has been otherwise preoccupied with the non english speaking members of the beach community.  Me? I’ve just been settled on a comfortable chair on the pristine beach, beer in hand and waitress on call for hours on end.  Trace has deemed me a loser for the vacation since I haven’t made an effort to “get” with anyone, but I told him…this trip wasn’t about that for me.  

Or maybe I’m just a little scared to get my feet wet.

I know I said I was ready but…just thinking about it, bringing other women into Conner’s life, into Mason’s and my brother’s lives, scares me a little.  It’s been a hell of a long time since I’ve thought about anybody else.

It could be a big reason why I was so compelled to talk to Abbey about our love life the other night.

I can’t be scared though.  If I am, I’ll never move on.

“Excuse me…I’m sorry, but did you see a group of kids running around here?”

I lift my sunglasses slightly and squint up at where the voice has come from.  Half expecting to see a middle aged woman, I find myself staring in awe when I see the heavenly creature looming over me.  Young, nice tan, nice smile, nice…well…nice everything, and she’s American.

Trace would be proud, or just call me stupid lucky.

“You mean them?”  I smirk slightly and sit up, point over in the direction of the group of kids throwing sand at each other by the water.  

She shields her eyes and gazes in the direction I’ve told her, shoulders seeming to sag in relief after a moment.  “Yeah.  Thanks.”

“One’s yours?” I chuckle, and take a sip of my beer.

“Two,” she groans.  “And they just lo-ove to leave the room without telling me.  I’ve been running around here like a lunatic for a half hour.”

“You shouldn’t worry.  They can’t go far.  I found that out yesterday when I thought my son had run off.  There’s staff at either end of the beach.  They’re safe.”

“Good to know, although my boys would find a way to escape if given the chance.  Do you mind?” She motions to the lounger next to mine.

“Not at all.” I smirk just slightly, and wave over one of the staff while she takes a seat.  “Can you get her something…” I trail off and look back at her.  “What do you drink?”

She laughs nervously.  “I’ll just have a club soda.”

“Come on now.  You’re on vacation right?”

“Well…” She seems to fight a battle with herself for several moments.  “I…I guess I could go for a Long Island Iced Tea.”

“Done.” I nod at the waitress, and she rushes away.

“You can just put it on my room,” she tells me quickly.

“Don’t even go there,” I sigh and settle back against the lounger.  

“Well…thanks.”

“No need to thank me.  Where ya from?”

“Well, I live in Los Angeles for the moment with my boys.”

“But?” I chuckle.

“We’ll probably be moving in a couple of months.  I’m just here to…get the boys away from their father for awhile.  We’re in the middle of a divorce and since his girlfriend has the run of the house, I wasn’t about to let my kids live there too.  Fortunately, even though our marriage has become non existent, his credit card limit hasn’t.  He didn’t care if I spent a whole month here if it meant he could do whatever he wanted with his new found love interest, kid free.”

“Sounds like a jerk.”

“Yeah well, as my mother would say, I sure can pick a man.”

I laugh.  “Well, don’t feel so bad.  I just got divorced myself.”  I swallow back the hurt in my voice.  

“Was it messy?”

“I wouldn’t say messy.  Just bitter.”  I take a long swig of my beer.  “It’s been a rough year for Conner, so I wanted to take him away for a couple of weeks.  He’s been having a great time.  Going back to face reality is going to suck though, I’ll admit.”

“Isn’t that always the case?”

“I dunno.”  I turn my head to look her in the eye and find that she’s staring back at me.  She’s really pretty up close, about my age, with brown, hypnotizing eyes and a flawless complexion.  She looks like someone from my New York days, but I can tell she has a real personality.  “I never really dreaded going back home before this.  I guess right now, there’s just a lot of difficult things waiting there for me.”

“My name is Reese.” Her cheeks turn pink.  “I guess I should have said that first.”

“Justin.”  I stick out my hand for her to shake and hers gently slips inside mine.  It seems to fit like a glove and I start to get this weird sensation in the pit of my stomach that…that just seems all too familiar.  

The waiter returns with our drinks and we sit for a while, talking about where we grew up, and what we’ve done with our lives so far. I leave out Vic and I’m sure she leaves out things as well.  The best part is she doesn’t seem to care that I’m a billionaire entrepreneur, and I could care less that she’s loaded up with two kids and in the middle of a messy divorce with an NBA star that includes a custody battle.

It seems real with her, down to earth, and relatable.

We just…click.

I don’t even think I can afford to click with anyone right now, but I don’t want to leave just yet either.  Something inside is begging me to get to know her better, and that means she’s captivated me.

I’m not sure if it’s good or bad.  It’s confusing.

“MOM! MOM! KEVIN PUSHED ME!”

“I did not!! I did not Tanner!”

Two little boys race up to where we’ve been sitting and pounce on top of their mother, bickering back and forth about who pushed who first.  She’s got her hands full, I guess.  She scolds them both for running off without telling her, and for interrupting her conversation with ‘the nice gentleman’.

Her boys turn and give me a dirty look.

“Let’s go mommy.” The older one says, tugging on one of her shoulders.  “I want to go now!”

“Just ‘cause you say you wanna go doesn’t mean we’re gonna go Tanner!” The younger boy sticks out his tongue.  “You’re not the boss!”

“Dad says I’m the boss cause I’m the oldest Kevin!”

“Boys!” Jennifer yells.

They go wide eyed and silent.  It makes me laugh.  

It reminds me of how Abbey is with our kids…how she was with my brothers.

I can’t do this.  I can’t compare every woman I meet to my ex wife.

“Conner!” I yell for him, and motion him to come to me.  “Hey um…I’m probably gonna go get him ready for dinner.”r32;
“Yeah,” she smiles tiredly.  “These two need to go…somewhere.  Preferably bed, but that doesn’t happen at four in the afternoon.”

“Sure doesn’t,” I smirk.

She laughs nervously.

“How long are you here for?” I say as Conner reaches me, and I ruffle his hair a little while he climbs on top of me and lays his head against my bare chest.

“Just til Sunday.”

“All right, well, we leave Saturday for London, and we’ll go home on Sunday.  Maybe tomorrow night we can…have…um…”  I pause and chuckle, feeling my cheeks grow hot with embarrassment.

“Are you asking me to dinner?” She says with a sly smile.

“Let’s gooo Mommy!”

“I guess, yeah…I am.”

“How about tomorrow night at seven thirty?”

“Great.  I know the area well.  I’ll rent a driver and take you on a tour.  The town is really pretty at night.”

“MOMMY!”

“I better go.”  She shoos the boys off of her.  “It was nice…running into you, Justin.”

“Likewise,” I smile.  “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“Bye.”  She flashes me one last dazzling smile and then jogs off after her boys.

Well, that was random.  Random, but…maybe it’s a good thing.

“Daddy who was that lady?”

I kiss the top of his head.  “That’s just my friend.  She’s nice huh?”

He shrugs, but doesn’t say anything.

“Buddy what’s wrong?” I laugh.  “Were her boys mean to you?”

“No, I liked ‘em.”

“Then what is it?”

“I want you to like mommy again.  I don’t want you to like another lady, Daddy.”

I sigh heavily.

And this is why I’m scared to get my feet wet.  “Con, you know…things aren’t going to be the same.  You understand right?  Remember the long talk Mommy and I had with you about this?”

“You said you won’t live at the house.”

“Right.”

“That don’t mean you don’t like mommy no more though.”

He’s not getting it.  I shouldn’t expect him to get it.  Neither of us should because he’s a little boy.

“Con I like Mommy, it’s just…different, between us now.  We’re friends, you know? We’re friends and we love you and Mason, but we do different things too.  We like to meet and be with other people who make us happy, because we weren’t happy when we lived together.”

“Okay.”  

He says it but I know he’s totally confused.  All I can seem to do though, is give him another kiss on the head and say: “C’mon, lets go get ready for dinner.”

Halfway back to our room I almost decide to cancel the date because I’m afraid of what will happen to Conner if I go through with it.  But then…I don’t want to cancel.  I don’t want to cancel because I owe it to myself to be happy and start dating again.  I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life.  I spent too much of my life happy and in love, and the more I’m alone, the more I feel myself slipping back into that other version, the person I was before Abbey, and I don’t want to be him.  I want to be in love again, somehow, even if it’s not with Abbey.

So I’m going on that date.
***************
We went with The Room on Main, thank God.  I emailed Justin the details two days later, and he told me while it was little small for his liking, he would put up with it for his brothers sake.  I was just fine with that.  I was able to send my son back to New York with most of his wedding finalized and a very happy son in law to be just a phone call away.

It’s been a huge load off my mind, to say the least.

Unfortunately, once I was able to take my focus off of that, the next thing on my list became that much more prominent.

My seventeen year old.

He’s hasn’t been home except to get clothes, in weeks.  Instead, he’s been bouncing around between his friends houses since summer began.  Two nights ago I managed to get a hold of him by cell phone and begged him to come home for just a couple of days.  Because he’s always listened to me, he showed up, but it wasn’t the version of my son I was expecting.

He’s so pale, and seems worn out.  I don’t know when he started to slip, but it was probably sometime between Vic’s funeral and now.  I haven’t been there for him like I’ve wanted to be, and since he won’t speak to his father, their relationship has become non existent.  Between Conner, my emotional shit, the divorce, and everyone else in my life, I guess I’ve overlooked Mason’s well being.  He’s always been so independent though, that he never would have admitted to me that he needed some help.

I’m paying for it now.

“I’m not going to talk to a fucking therapist.”

“Nice language.”  I plop the plate of bacon and eggs in front of him.  “I think you need to talk to somebody, and since you refuse to talk to your father, and you barely talk to me anymore, I don’t see there being another alternative.”

“Why do I have to talk? You two don’t talk out your issues.  That’s why our lives are like this now.”

“There’s a lot of reasons why your father and I got divorced Mason.”

“He messed up.  It’s his fault…all of it.”

“This is why I want you to see the therapist.”

“I’m not going.”

“You haven’t even talked to me about…about Vic, you know?”

He leans the side of his head against his fist and miserably stabs at his eggs.  “What’s to say?  She died…I can’t do anything about it.”

“I’m not saying…that you can do something about it Mason, but it’s okay to grieve.”

“We didn’t even get along.  Our lives were completely different.”  He rolls his eyes.

“She was still your sister, Mase.”  I reach out and put a hand on his shoulder.

He shrugs me off.  “I don’t need you coddling me right now.  I came home because…I thought you needed me for something.  I thought Conner was having an issue, but now I find out you sent him off on some luxury vacation with dad.  You know, he didn’t even ask me to go.  Some father.”

“He thought you would say no,” I sigh.

“So? He should have asked me anyway.”

“Point taken.”  I take a seat across from him.  “But since there’s nothing I can do about that right now, how about you tell me what’s been going on with you outside of hating your father.”

“Nothing.  I’ve just been hanging out.”

“I’d really like it if you would come back home, you know?  I…I miss you, Mason.”

“You’re just lonely.  You don’t really care who’s here as long as you don’t have to be alone.”

r32;He’s never talked to me like this before.  It’s a completely different version of my son, and I guess…I blame myself for the change.  I don’t know how to get that sweet boy I love so much to come back to me.

Maybe he can’t come back.

Maybe he’s lost.

“I am lonely,” I admit.  “Sometimes, Conner is the only thing that forces me keep going, but I miss you a lot Mase.  I miss all the things we used to do and all the talks we used to have.”

“Yeah? Well I’m different now.  I’m practically an adult, and…and I want a fresh start, mom.  I don’t want to go to college in the fall. I want to take a year off. I think you and dad owe me that.”

“Well, if that’s what you really want, maybe you should talk to your father about it when he gets back from Europe.”

“Why? You have plenty of money you can give me to live on.”

“It’s not the money, Mase.  I think your father needs to be included in the conversation, that’s all.  You’ve already heard back from Yale, Harvard, and Dartmouth.  We thought you were still making up your mind about those.”

“He didn’t talk to me the whole time Vic was in the hospital!” He yells and rises to his feet.  “All of a sudden he’s just allowed to make decisions in my life? No…no I won’t let him! I’ll leave first!”

“Mason!”

He runs out on me.  I do my best to catch up with him, but he’s too quick for me, gets into the silver Audi convertible his father got him two years ago, and peels out of the driveway, creating a loud screeching sound that forces my hands over my ears.

Fuck.

I debate whether to call Justin.

No.  It can wait until he gets back.  It’s only a couple of days.

I do everything I can to take my mind off of Mason for the rest of the afternoon.  I get a pedicure, scan Netflix for a few hours, and I talk to my sister.  She lives in New York, works at the Natural History Museum.  She and Mark have been married for years, have two boys, and live a nice life together.  I try to see her and talk to her every chance I get, but she’s always so busy with her big time Archeology career that it’s hard.  She always asks me if I’m okay these days, because she knows that I’m not, even when I tell her I am.

I need to go and see her.

But it’s just really hard for me to leave right now with the way things are.  Although, Justin didn’t seem to have a problem with it, but thats how he handles things.  He knew Mason would want no part of the vacation, so he brushed him aside to make sure Conner could have a good time.
r32;I still don’t know if I’m mad at him for it, or if I would have just done the same thing

Mason won’t talk about it now, but in the beginning when Vic started to get really sick from Chemo, he would do anything he could to help me out with Conner.  He was there for me because I guess…he could tell that Justin wasn’t.  I shouldn’t have let him do all that.  I should have been the adult and told him to go live his life because he was just a kid.  I was just so wrapped up in everything…I didn’t have time to take a step back and think about how he was being affected.  I told him once…after I packed us all up and moved us to my parents that time, that I thought I was a terrible mother.

He just smiled, shook his head, and said: “I couldn’t ask for a better mom.”

But that’s not Mason anymore.

I don’t even know when I doze off on the sofa.  When the sound of the phone ringing wakes me, I stare, bleary eyed, at the clock on the wall and find it’s after eleven.  I stagger to my feet and groan a hello when I pick up the phone.

“Mom?”

It’s Austin, and I force myself to wake up a little more.  “Hey baby.  What’s going on? Is Rebecca okay? Kristy?”

“They’re fine.  Kristy is home with the baby.  God…” He trails off and sighs.  “Mom it’s Mason.”

Everything seems to freeze in that moment.  My voice catches in my throat and I can literally feel my heart stop.  All I can think is that something has happened.  Something awful.  That’s I’ll have lost both my son and my daughter in just over a year.  Is that even feasible? Does fate really have the capability of being that cruel?  “Austin…” I whimper.  “Wh-what happened?”

“He’s…they said he’s going to be okay.”

I fall to my knees and sob into the phone.  “They said he’ll be okay? What do you mean? Where are you?”

“I’m at the hospital,” he sighs.  “Mason was in an accident and I was the person he told them to contact, but…this…it’s not something he can just walk away from.  He’s in trouble.”

My heart jumps up into my throat.  Immediately a million different thoughts race through my mind as I wonder what the hell could have happened to my son.  “Trouble? Austin?”

“Just get down here, all right? It’s…I’d rather talk to you face to face.”

“I’ll be right there.”  

I hang up, grab my purse and rush out the door, speed dialing Justin as I jump into the car.

Straight to voicemail.

I dial again.

Voicemail.
r32;

I leave a message, but he doesn’t call back.

He’s just not around.  Just like all the other times in the past year I’ve needed him by my side.

He’s has his own life now, outside of us, and suddenly, I remember just why it was that we got divorced in the first place.  It wasn’t Vic.  It wasn’t the pain.  

It was because he wanted to move on.

“Austin!” I yell for him the moment I burst through the hospital doors.  He races over to me and wraps me up in his arms.  I cry.  I hate it, but I do, and he lets me calm down for several moments before I’m able to pull away and look him in the eye.  “Austin…”

“There was an accident.  He’s got a broken arm and a concussion but…he was drunk and…” he trails off.

“Tell me,” I whisper.  “Austin?”

“He broke into…Justin’s new place, and took the new Maserati out.  The electric blue one.  They said he flipped the guard rail and was lucky he wasn’t injured more severely. The car was totaled though.  They said once he’s well, he’ll be arrested for driving under the influence and they are also going to have to ask Justin if he wants to press charges.”  

“Oh God,” I whimper.  “I…he left…he left the house so angry and I…”

“Momma listen.”  He grasps my hands.  “I know Justin won’t press charges, that’s just ridiculous.  We’re gonna get him out of this okay?  I already called Mac.  He’s coming out first thing in the morning, and he’s going to do his best to get him released to us as soon as possible.  Mason didn’t say anything, and I told them we wanted our lawyer the minute I got down here.  Did you get in touch with Justin?”

I just stare at him, sick to my stomach with worry.

“Mom.”  He shakes me slightly.  “Did you get in touch with Justin?”

“Voicemail,” I whisper.  “He’s still in Europe with Conner and Trace.”

He helps me sit down.  “I’ll try.”  He whips out his phone and frantically dials.

I just gaze out into nothingness.

This is my fault.

Our fault.

He was slipping.  My Mason was slipping and I couldn’t take the time to realize it.  I should have helped him, but I was too caught up with everything else, and by the time I said something, he was already too far gone.  I’m sure it wasn’t the first time he got into that car intoxicated.

He needs his father now.  He needs his father to protect him, to help him.

But he’s not here, and I haven’t been here mentally for our son in a long time.

That’s why he wanted them to call Austin.  He wasn’t afraid, he just didn’t think he could count on his own parents to be there for him.

And that’s the saddest thing.

(Radiation, week sixteen)

To say I’m exhausted is an understatement.  Today the nurses gave me my own bed to sleep in because I’m just there too much.  They’re great, the nurses.  They make sure my daughter is as comfortable as possible and that I can feel at home when I lay down to rest.

They treat me better than my wife at the moment, that’s for sure.

I decided I better come home tonight because I haven’t seen Big Red in almost two weeks.  He’s always up early for school and I’m always at the hospital when he gets back.  Since Abbey refuses to take my calls at this point, I feel it’s my duty to check up on him.

Or maybe this is just my lame ass attempt at being a good father to my son?

I don’t know anymore.

The radiation isn’t helping.  Doctor Pierson pulled me aside today and told me I might want to talk to Abbey about taking her off treatment because it’s just making her sick, not better.  Then he told me that none of the bone marrow samples we’ve tested have matched.  He said we don’t have many more options, other than a couple of newer market medications that haven’t been tested on people Vic’s age yet.  There is one other surgery we could look into, but it’s very risky and there’s only a small chance it will help.  In the end, he said the best thing Abbey I can do is start thinking about “final options”, that there’s a possibility she could be gone in just a few months.  He said he’s been in touch with Make A Wish and they’d like to do something special for her.

I couldn’t listen.  I told him to leave me the hell alone and I walked out of there.

I cried.  I went into the little chapel and cried and yelled at God and told him he was wrong and awful to do this to a sixteen year old kid.

She doesn’t deserve it.

She slept all day today.  They had to feed her through an IV.  She hasn’t been eating on her own lately…been too sick.  I just held her hand and tried to talk to her the best I could.  At times I got an eye flutter and a classic Vic smile.  That kept me going.

I’m losing her.

I’m losing her and I’m alone, because Abbey doesn’t even come anymore.

She doesn’t fucking come to the hospital anymore, and soon, my daughter will be…

I can’t say it.

I can’t say it yet.

Not yet.

“Wow, look who’s here.”

I look up, harshly wiping the tears off my face.  I didn’t realize I was crying and now, Mason is seeing me do it.  That makes me feel weak as a father, and I hate that.

Shit I mean, I haven’t talked to the kid in months.  Literally, months.

The look in his eyes as he walks down the spiral staircase towards me is filled with hatred.  Just, raw hatred.  It’s like I’m not even his father anymore, and he’s not my son.

I don’t know what to think.

“Where’s your brother?” I rasp.

“Mom took him last night.  She’s in Colorado.  I’m going up tomorrow, flying, Pop bought my ticket, I just had to settle some things with my teachers.”

“What?”  I’m baffled for just moments.

She really did it.  She threatened and threatened me, told me to get my act together and be here for our sons or she was going to walk out.

I guess she finally did.  

Abbey left me.  I have a hollow feeling in my gut.  At the same time though, the pain in my heart for Vic is a thousand times worse, so I’m not as much of a wreck over my wife’s absence as I probably should be.

The only thing is…she has our youngest son with her, and I doubt she’s going to want to play nice when it comes to me wanting to see him.

“She’s leaving you,” he says bluntly.  “I warned you.  We all warned you.  You didn’t listen.  I love Victoria.  I love her more than the two of you can probably imagine, but…but I love the rest of our family too, Dad.  You just expected us to be fine without you.  It’s not working out this way anymore.  Mom can’t suffer alone.”

I walk right up to him and put my face in front of his, breathing harshly.  “Don’t stand in front of me and tell me about my marriage problems like you know everything, son.  I taught you more respect than that.”

“Yeah,” he smirks.  “You taught me that I shouldn’t respect fuckin’ idiots like you.”

I don’t think, I just hit him, backhand him hard across the face.  I hate myself after, as I watch him clutching his cheek as his eyes well up with tears, but he was so damn disrespectful just then and I’m his fucking father.  I won’t take that crap.  “You have something else to say to me, son?”

“Yeah.” He winces slightly.  “Go to hell.”

He roughly brushes past me, goes to the door and picks up a suitcase that was resting beside it and walks out on me.

The door slams

That’s okay.

Everything is okay.

I sit down on the sofa.  A year ago we would be sitting on it all together, one big family, watching TV and laughing.  A year ago you couldn’t have told me a horrible disease like Leukemia would destroy our family.

But it has.

I sob, and then I burst into tears all over again, alone in my house, and something tells me…something tells me if I had just talked to my wife a little more, told her how I really felt, she might be here right now, able to console me, and I her.

But I didn’t.  I just didn’t, and now I’m alone, my Conner is gone, and Mason hates me.

I’m done.  I just…I just know that once Vic goes my life is going to be over.

That makes me not want to stick around for the final result, but I can’t leave my daughter.  Abbey did.  Abbey went to Colorado.  Well what about Vic? What about her, Ab?

I want to call and rip her apart.

But I can’t.  I can’t bring myself to.  Not after today.  Not after that news.  Instead I just find the best bottle of wine we have in the house, and drink myself into oblivion.  I wonder if this is always going to be my answer? Fine wine to solve my problems.  I wonder, will Mason pick up that trait?  Nah.  He gets his brain from his mother.  He knows better.

At least, I hope so.
********************
(Present Day)

I wish I could be focused on one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.  The town was breathtaking, the dinner was amazing, the conversation? One of the best I’ve had with a woman since Abbey and I were together and happy.  When I said we clicked I wasn’t lying.  We click.  We click like Abbey and I clicked so long ago, and after…when I took her back to my hotel room (Trace insisted on taking  Conner to sleep in his room just in case, even though I told him nothing would happen) we had the most amazing sex.  I mean, it was just incredible.  I haven’t had an orgasm like that in over a year.

I fully intended on extending my time in Nice, and leaving for home a day later than I originally planned so I could get to know Reese even better.  Hell, Trace even offered to fly back to Texas with Conner for me so I could have the extra time.  

But then I got the call from Austin, and everything going on in my life seemed to come flooding back to me all at once.  I had to pack Conner and I up, and leave right away. I could barely explain myself to Reese, but she didn’t seem angry.  She told me to call her as soon as I could.

I promised her I would, and I fully intend to.

I just have to get past this…issue.

"Where's Conner?"

 "With my housekeeper," I say.  "I didn't want him to be around for this.  He'll be fine.  How the hell did this even happen, Ab?"

“I told you Mason hasn’t been home that much,” Abbey whimpers.  “I just…I haven’t been pushy with him because I thought he needed space.”

“I don’t even know what to say right now.  Mac said that he was drunk…that my brand new two hundred thousand dollar Maserati is totaled?  I’m supposed to be okay with that? Let him off the hook?  Fuck Abbey, how much space were you giving him?”

“Don’t you dare make me out to be the sole cause of all this!” She shakes her finger at me harshly.  “You haven’t even attempted to fix your relationship with him!”

Here we are, back to normal.  Friendship, being civil, all that is out the window.  This is how we really are.  It’s easy to remember why we can’t be together now.  “I want to talk to my son, alone,” I say it to Mac, quietly, while Abbey sobs.

“I’ll go talk to the Sheriff,” he nods, and walks out of the waiting room.

“What are you going to do?,” Abbey rasps, her eyes wide with fear.

I narrow my eyes, ball my fists at my sides.  “I should really press charges and teach him a lesson.”

“Justin you can’t,” she cries.  “What about college! They’ll never take him if…if he goes to…Justin you can’t send our son to jail!  I won’t let you!”

I sigh heavily and gently push her away as she cries into the side of my blazer.  I can’t take this.  Honestly.  I’m so angry right now that I meant what I said. I would press charges, get him thrown in jail so he can see what a stupid choice he made.

At the same time though, he’s my son.

He’s Vic’s twin too, and I know she never would have wanted his life to be this way.

“Sheriff says you can have some time,” Mac says, sticking his head through the doorway.  “But it has to be now.”

“Please,” Abbey begs me, on her knees now, sobbing at my feet.  “Please Justin.  I’m sorry about the car.  I’ll do whatever you want, just…please…please don’t punish him like this.  He needs help, I admit that.  Let’s just get him help, all right?  I’ll…I’ll even let Conner stay at your place for awhile.  I know you miss him…Justin…I’ll do anything…I’ll do anything…”

Her sobs grow into hysterical cries and she can’t seem to pick herself up off the floor.  She cowers in front of me and completely loses her composure.  Other people are staring at us, but I don’t care.  They don’t know half of what we’ve been through, and I guess I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect Abbey to react this way.  

I hate to see her cry, and I hate even more than she’s apologizing for him.  It’s not her fault, because Mason made his own decisions.  I’m just thankful that he made it out of the wreck alive.  I don’t know what I would do if I lost another child.  I think I might lose control.  

“Ab.”  I crouch down slowly, and finally, when I’m at her level, I gently take her by the arms and shake her a little.  “Abbey listen to me.”

She leans forward and cries into my chest, not as loudly as before, but her entire body is shaking.

“Look…I’m not going to send him to jail,” I whisper, rubbing her back gently now.  “But he needs professional help from a facility.  That’s the only way I’ll agree to let this thing go, and he has to go willingly.”

She sniffles harshly and seems to force herself to look up at me.  “Are you talking about sending him away?”

I nod.  “If that’s what it comes down to.  We don’t have a choice, Abbey.”

“But…no…I…”

“I mean it,” I say seriously, as I help her to her feet.  “We’ll find a good place.  Not something court recommended.  Just a really nice place, that can get him the help he needs.  In a year, he can reapply to college, if he makes some progress.”

“Something within driving distance,” she whispers.  “I’ll agree to that, and nothing else.”

I sigh harshly.  Some of the best facilities in the country are a lot farther than driving distance.  Mac told me about a couple on the phone today.  But I can tell that it won’t fly with Abbey…and I guess I owe it to her to compromise.  I know Conner wouldn’t do well if he couldn’t see his brother at least a couple of times a month.

“Driving distance.” I nod.  “Fine.”

“Thank you.”  She backs away from me.

I just nod, and then I follow Mac to where my son is being held.  They moved him from the hospital this morning, said his concussion was mild and the cast on his broken arm was set.  The police arrested him and brought him down here for processing.  They say I can bail him out and take him home later today if I decide not to press charges.  He’ll still have a court date, probably receive community service.  I’m told if I choose to send him to a facility, he can perform the community service there.  I’d rather him do it that way.  There will be nothing to distract him.  Just people to watch him and make sure he does it.

Right now, I know Abbey and I don’t have the stamina to handle him on our own.  We’re still trying to sort out everything else.  It’s awful to say, but it might be nice to have him in a place where we know he can’t leave voluntarily.

“Sheriff said a half hour, but I’ll make sure you get all the time you need,” Mac says, when we reach the interrogation room that Mason has been assigned to.  “I’ll leave you to it.”  He nods, and walks away.

I stare at the door for awhile, debating what I’m supposed to say to my son when I walk in there.  It’s been such a long time since I’ve sat down and really talked to him like a father should talk to his son.  I know yelling at him would be the easy way out, but it wouldn’t phase him.  He’s built a wall around himself ever since Vic got sick and he refuses to let anyone in.  Even Ab, who up until this year had been so close to him.  Now it’s like they’re strangers.

I blame myself.  I’m the biggest reason he’s like this.

What that in mind, I open the door.

He’s sitting at the table, broken arm in a sling, black eye and his forehead wrapped in bandages.  He slouches in the chair, scowling, like he hates the world.

“Mom said you were in Europe.  I didn’t think you’d show up,” he mutters.

I close the door quietly, and walk across to the table, sliding the chair out and taking a seat before saying anything to him.  “Well I’m here.”

“Must be the car.” He snorts out a laugh.  “Had to be here for the insurance adjuster right?”

“I came here because they told me you had been in an accident.  You’re my son.  I wanted to make sure you were okay.  I got the first plane out.”

“Well I’m fine.  Next topic.”

“Why’d you start drinking?”

He shrugs.  “Why’d you forget about me?”

“Forget about you?” I scoff.  “Mason, I didn’t forget about you.”

“You didn’t talk to me.”

I sit back and sigh.  “It’s been very difficult, Mason.  You must know that.”

“That’s an excuse.” He narrows his eyes at me, and gives me a cold look. “How is it that you still get the best of everything, even now? Mom’s a wreck, Conner doesn’t understand why you don’t come home anymore, and then…I’m just left to deal with it all.  It’s like you don’t even give a shit, dad.  You just started over again.  So I decided to do my own thing.”

“The best of everything?” I scoff and lean forward slightly.  “Tell me how I have the best of everything right now? Mason…I’ve lost a daughter, a wife, and my family.  I could give a shit about the money.”

“You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go on the trip with you,” he mutters.  “You didn’t care.”

“You would have said no.”

“You still should have asked me.”

“So that’s why you decide to start drinking?  Steal my car and crash it?”

He shrugs.  “I don’t know…maybe.”

“What’s really wrong? I know I’m not the only reason you hate the world so much, Mase.  It’s okay to admit that you’re hurting.  We’re all hurting.”

“Sometimes I wished for it…I wished she would just die so that maybe you would notice me.  But you know…when she did pass away, you paid even less attention to me.”  

It takes all my stamina not to lash out at him.  I know he doesn’t mean it, that he wished his sister dead.  I can tell by his eyes.  As cold and dark as he tries to make them look for me, I can see that pain in them…glowing hot like fire.  He can’t deal with it.  He doesn’t know how to do it.

I wouldn’t know how either, but I got myself some help early.  

“I know it won’t help things right now,” I finally say.  “But I want you to know that…I’m sorry Mason.  I’m sorry that life turned out this way, that mom and I couldn’t work things out, and that we lost Vic.  It hasn’t been fair to you, or to Conner.”

“I don’t care that you’re sorry!” He snaps.  “It doesn’t change anything!”

I just nod.  “Yeah I know.  But I’m going to work hard to…fix our relationship.  I promise.”

“Don’t bother.  You’re dead to me now.”

“I know you don’t mean that.  You need help, Mase,” I sigh.  “You need someone to help you move passed all the things that happened.”

“I told Mom already that I’m not going to a damn therapist!”

“Yeah well, you kind of made that decision for yourself when you crashed the car, son.  If I don’t do this, you won’t learn, and something else might happen to you.  Something bad.”

“Good!”  He starts to sob.  “I don’t care! I want to die! That’s why I did it!”

I’m silent for several moments.  “Mason…”

“Just get out!” He screams and gets up from his chair, walking briskly towards me.  “Get the hell out of here!”

He shoves me back against the wall with his good arm.  Kid is strong as ever, injuries and all.

This time, I don’t slap him.  Thank God for therapy.

“All right.  I get it.  I’ll leave you here, so you can cool off.”

“What?”

I knock on the door.  “I’m ready.”  

“Dad.”

I say nothing.  

“Dad!”

The door is opened finally and a uniformed officer stands in front of me, Sheriff at his side.  “I’m done.  He can sweat it out here until his court date.  I’m not posting his bail, and if his mother tries to bail him out, you tell her I’m pressing charges.”  

The Sheriff sighs.  “You sure about this?”

I don’t hesitate.  “I’m sure.”

“Go ahead Mike,” The sheriff nods to the officer at his side.

I walk out and the officer walks in, pulling his handcuffs from his belt.

“DAD!”

He’s screaming.  I hear the officer telling my son to calm down.

“DAD DON’T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY!  DON’T LET THEM!”r32;

This time, he sounds like he’s lost it.

I cringe.  I don’t want to turn back.  Don’t want to rescue him, because I’m so fucking angry right now.

“Justin, are you sure about this?” Mac whispers from his position across the hallway.  

I hate myself.  I’m so damn torn.  I just want to walk away from him, let him learn his lesson and cry to his mother.  Something is holding me back...

He has the same eyes as Vic and I can’t get past that either.  Staring into them tonight, has made my heart ache.  I can feel something nagging at me, pleading with me, to just take him home.

Maybe that’s what he needs more than anything.  A firm, orderly lifestyle.  I can give that to him.  I can force him to have a curfew, and abide by the rules I set into place for him.  He’ll have to do it, or I’ll put him right back here.

Maybe it’ll be good for him…good for us, to be together for a little while.

I know at this point, Abbey can’t handle him, and I need her to give Conner her undivided attention.

“Just…wait.”  I turn back to the Sheriff.  “Don’t process him.  I’ll take him home, to my place, but I want him under house arrest until his hearing.”

“Bring him out Mike,” The sheriff says, and a moment later, my son is dragged out of the interrogation room, with his hands cuffed behind him.

“Daddy please,” he whimpers, like he’s an eight year old all over again.  “I’m…I’m sorry.”

“The only way you’re leaving here, is with me, and you’ll be staying at my place until the court date.  We’ll find a therapist on Monday, and you’ll go as many times a week as you need to.”

He nods slightly, but can’t stop sobbing enough to answer.

“Let him go,” I mutter.

Officer Mike removes the handcuffs and my son races to me, throwing his arms around me in a tight embrace.

I don’t even know how to react, because it’s been so long since I’ve done this with him, but eventually I’m able to return the embrace and whisper to him that he’s going to be okay and that I love him.

I guess this was his wake up call, although, I have no idea what the next few weeks will be like with him in my house.

Now that I think about it, we’ve never spent that much time one on one.

But I have to do it, for the sake of his future.

Davey is getting married in two days.  I should be at the venue with the wedding planner, making sure everything is running smoothly.  I should be on the phone with the florist too, and the bakery, and the limo company, reconfirming all the things I confirmed last night.  It would keep me busy.

Keep me out of here.

Braeden arrived last night, but we’ve barely talked at all since then.  He’s an usher in the wedding, and has been helping Austin make the final preparations for Davey’s stag tomorrow night.  He said it makes him feel better to help like this.  I smiled and told him how much I appreciated everything.

In reality, I’d give anything to lock myself in a room with him and spill my guts, because I know he would listen and allow me to vent without giving an opinion.  Right now, he’s the only person that has the type of patience to deal with me when I’m hysterical.

Justin used to be someone I could stay up all night talking to.  Alone, naked together in our darkened bedroom we would talk about everything and anything that would come to mind.  Our goals, our dreams, our kids, how much we loved each other.  Those times seem so distant now, and the more time I spend with him this week, the more I just…wish I could run away.

But I can’t.

He got our baby out of jail, thank god, but has practically kept him under lock and key at his new house ever since.  Mason isn’t allowed off the grounds, and the deal is, Conner and I are to see him once and week and no more, unless it’s absolutely critical.  Justin is on this tough love kick, figures keeping him from any type of distraction will snap him out of his problems and get him to talk to the therapist more.

She’s nice enough, and according to Justin, she’s one of the best in her field.  She diagnosed Mason’s condition as severe depression, which didn’t come as a surprise to Justin and I.  She also told us she believes Mason is at higher risk for suicide, because of the discussions they’ve had together.  Naturally, we both wanted to know the best thing we could do for him, and aside from recommending a mental health clinic we could send him to, she prescribed several different medications for Justin to administer daily.  He said he’s starting to notice a change, that he doesn’t think we’ll need to send him anywhere after all.

I just think Mason has become very quiet, and dazed.  I’m not so sure I like his reaction to the meds, but I can’t come up with a better solution.  Justin seems to have a handle on this, and to be honest, it’s been better for…me, not having to worry myself sick over him every minute of the day. Conner and I have been better on our own for the first time since the divorce was finalized, and I should be happy about that.

But a part of me is still so hollow inside.

“Ab.”

I can’t look at him.  I feel like I’m going to be sick.  If Justin told me I could take off right now, I would, but I know he needs me to do this with him, just as much as I need him to be here with me.

“I’m…I’m coming.”

I step forward, and then I’m in the bedroom…Vicki’s bedroom.  I can smell the scent of her body spray, just faintly.  It’s because I’ve kept the door closed for the most part.  Now that it’s open, I know the last remaining physical memory of her will escape.  I have to close my eyes, but the tears still stream down my face.  

“Hey.”

I feel his strong arms around me immediately, rubbing his hands up and down my arms, just like he always used to do when we were in love.  

 I know we aren’t the divorced couple today.  

We’re just two grieving parents.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and tug away, rubbing at my eyes harshly before I’m able to open them up again and look around.  Everything is exactly the same.  Nothing on the dressers or desk or bed is out of place.  It’s just as she left it the day we had to move her into the hospital, and a small part of me holds out for a moment, telling me that she’s just out and will be back later.

“You think you’re ready to start?” He asks me.

“I…think, yeah.”

He walks forward, towards the closet, and slowly opens the door.  Another whiff of mango body spray lingers in the air for a few moments, and then it’s gone.  “I guess…maybe the closet is best.”

“Yeah, that’s…that’s okay,” I tell him.

“Can you hand me a box?”

I grab two, and then join him inside of the massive walk in.  He’s already started with the leotards, and I feel the despair burning inside of me.  He’s so cool and collected right now, and I’m ready to break down.  He’s had coaching from a therapist when it comes to Vic and moving on though.  I decided not to go that route.

I guess I should have.  A part of me is so jealous of him.  He just…has it all together and I can barely bring myself to touch her clothing.

“Do you want any of these?” He asks, as he gently puts a pile of shining leotards inside his box.  “I was going to take a couple, and donate the rest to Coach Adamson.  I figure he must have a couple of kids who aren’t as fortunate, you know?”

I shake my head.  “I-I don’t need to keep any of those.”

“All right.”  He says it quietly and won’t look at me as he continues to pack them away.

I sit on the floor and start to go through the half dozen shoe racks.  Shoes can’t bring that much emotions out of a person, at least that’s what I tell myself, until the memories start flooding back to me.  Her running shoes.  The pink running shoes she begged me to get her on a random trip to the mall.  We were there for Conner.  He needed some soccer cleats, and I told her ‘honey you have so many pairs of sneakers’

“Please mom.” She drooped her bottom lip and gave me those puppy dog eyes that she inherited from her father.  “I’ll watch Conner anytime you want next week.”

Naturally, I caved, and of course…we picked out an outfit to match the new shoes, and then a new purse to go with that.  Not because she asked, but because it was fun.

We didn’t talk like she and her father talked, but we always had a good time when we went shopping.  That’s where we clicked as mother and daughter, and as I continue to go through all of these shoes, I realize that we were together for the purchase of each one.  Each pair of shoes holds a memory, a smiling happy memory of me and my daughter.

And suddenly, I want to keep every pair.

“We aren’t donating the shoes,” I tell Justin, immediately.  “I’m keeping all the shoes.”

He looks over at me slowly, eyeing the pair I’m holding in my hands.  “Sure.  That’s fine, Ab, if you want them.”

I just nod, and begin to put them all in a box to store away someplace in the bedroom.  Once the shoes are done, I move on to the racks and racks of clothing.  Justin has done the same.  It’s a silent process, pulling them down, seeing what they are, and deciding whether or not to donate.  I find that we don’t have to ask questions, we both know what we want, and what would be better off being donated.  It takes a good three hours before the closet is completely emptied out, and I realize that most of the clothing is being donated to charities and missions that Justin supports.

I take a step back and lean against the wall, as he starts sealing up the donation boxes with some packing tape.

He looks up at me after a while.  “You want to tape up a couple of these?”

I can’t answer him.  I’m just staring.  Staring at the boxes.  It’s Vic’s life in there, the memories of her, and they’re all going away, with the exception of a few things.  

“Abbey.”

“I can…I can just start going through the dresser drawers,” I whisper.

He doesn’t say anything, just goes back to taping the boxes closed.  I think he understands.  Well, either that, or he’s just disappointed that I can’t get my emotions in check.

The dresser drawers don’t help to calm me down.  Within each one, there’s another memory.  Her better jewelry, her headbands, barrettes and hair clips.  One drawer has an envelope filled with photos of her, of us, and of her friends.  I can barely look at them, have to shove them in one of Justin’s ‘keep’ boxes, and move on.

I feel like I’m almost there, that I’m almost through it.  Just two drawers to go and I can turn my back on this, cope from afar instead of having the memories slapping me in the face and calling me a lousy mother.  

It’s when I see Taddy though, that I have to stop.  It’s like I’m stuck.  I can’t move forward.  All I can do is stare down at the small bear dressed in a purple tutu, that has one eye, half a mouth, and stuffing coming out of the hole in his side.  I remember how that little baby cried the day he ripped, how I sewed that damn hole time and time again trying to get him to stay together for playtime.

She carried this damn thing everywhere, and when she was in the hospital, it was the one thing I brought to her that made her smile.  I think…it may have been the only thing I did the whole time she was sick that made her smile, made her remember how much I loved her.  

Justin wanted to…bury him with her, and…and I pulled it out of the funeral home after the wake, kept it hidden, forced Mason to come in here and hide it so Justin would never know.

I completely forgot.  I didn’t think Justin and I would ever reach a point where we could do this together without ripping each other apart.

“Is that Taddy?”

He’s standing behind me, and his voice is full of confusion.  

I look up, see his reflection in the vanity mirror, and suck in a breath, clutching the bear closer to my chest.  “Yes.”

“I…I thought…”

“I took him back after the wake.  I was afraid to tell you.”

“Oh.”

It’s silent.  I wait for it.  Wait for him to tell me no, that he’s going to call the undertaker right now, have the casket fucking exhumed so Taddy can be in his rightful place.

“You should have told me you wanted him.  I wouldn’t have minded.”

I slowly turn to face him, tears pushing from behind my eyes, threatening to escape, to make me hysterical all over again.  “We wouldn’t have agreed then.”

He presses his lips together, eyeing the stuffed toy in my hands, and then looking at me again.  “You’re probably right.”

I stroke the bears head lovingly, remembering the time Justin brought it home for her birthday.  She told him it was her very favorite thing, despite the hours I spent online putting together that ridiculous ‘fit for a princess’ dress up kit.  I tried not to be bitter, and instead, made clothes for the bear to match the dress up kit clothes.  It was another time where we would bond as mother and daughter.  I swear, I spent hours sewing those little clothes for Taddy, attaching the little sequins and costume jewels until my fingers were sore and full of blisters.

I did it for her, because it made her happy.  Because I was her mother.

“Can I see him for a minute?”

“Um…sure…” I slowly hand the bear to my ex husband.  He holds it in both hands for a few moments, his eyes filling with tears, remembering something.

“I think you should keep him, Ab.”  He hands the bear back to me.  “She always loved the clothes you would make for him, even though he was a “boy bear” and you dressed him like a “girl bear,” he smiles and wipes his eyes a bit.

I laugh slightly through the tears that have started to slide down my face.  “I never understood why she insisted that Taddy was a boy.  I just went with it, and made the dresses because I knew she would want to match.”
“It was her favorite,” he nods, but quickly goes back to sealing the boxes.

I watch him for awhile, working quickly, doing his best to get this over with.  I’m sure he wants to get away from me, not away from the room itself.  I won’t say this isn’t awkward, being completely alone with him, because it is.  I’ve been smelling that cologne of his for hours now, and it’s driving my bonkers.  That’s the scent that’s always defined him, the one that clung to our bedsheets, to my clothing and hair after he’d been holding me in his arms as we laid on the sofa watching TV with the kids.

Suddenly, that pain is in my gut again.  The one I felt the day we tried negotiating the custody arrangement.  I couldn’t sign the papers because…because I was in love with him, even though I would deny it later, when he called me over a glass of wine and poor judgement.

And the truth is, I’ve been lost without him.  

I think I might still love him.

It’s not fucking fair, because it’s over.

I whimper, and turn back to the dresser.

“You okay?”

“Fine,” I manage, and miserably continue to dig through the drawers.

“I know you’re not.”

“Well want do you want me to say.”  I slam a drawer shut and open another.  “That this isn’t difficult? That being here, alone with you, isn’t killing me?”

It’s silent.  Eventually, I manage to turn back around, to find him staring at me.

“What do you mean, it’s killing you?”

“Just forget it.” I run my hands through my hair and sniffle.  “It’s just been a bad day.”

“Bad year is more like it.”

“Yeah well, who’s fault is that?”

“You asked for the divorce,” he mutters and glares at me as he says it.

“Like I had a fucking choice.”

“Oh don’t hand me that crap.  I wanted to make it work!”

“Then why didn’t you? Why’d you burst through the damn door and scream at me to sign the papers! Threaten me with a custody battle for Conner? You acted like a damn fool!”

“You pushed me away!” He screams.  “You just gave up! Right from the get go you just…you just decided that I didn’t care, so it meant we were over! You just…left! Packed up Conner, alienated me from the boys, what the fuck was I supposed to do? There were no choices! I needed to be there for Vic and that just…I don’t even know…pissed you off? She was dying Abbey!  I fucking…I resented you for that and it’s been a hell of a time coming to terms with it.  I had to learn that people cope with things differently.  It just…I thought you would have been there a lot more than you were.”

“I couldn’t do that, not like you did, and still be able to stay sane for the boys, Justin.  Especially Conner.  You should have understood.”

“I wasn’t going to leave her.  I couldn’t.  Part of me is still trying to figure out how you could look the other way while she was suffering, but I’m done asking questions, Ab.  I want to have a life again.  I wish it could be with you, but…you quit on us a long time ago.”

“Do you think I wanted this for us! God, don’t you know how much I think about it! How much I remember how it was, how we were? How you…how you kissed me that day in the Filligans parking lot? I would have died for you then Justin.  I would have done anything for you!  I miss loving you so damn much that it physically hurts me! You just…you moved on! I try to be happy for you…but I can’t…I can’t be!”

I cry.  I hate it, but I can’t help myself.  I sob into my hands hysterically like it’s the day Vic died, and for the longest time I feel like I’m all alone.

But then…then he’s there, his strong arms around me, pulling me close to him like before, when we were happy and in love.  All I can think is how much I wish it could be real, that everything that happened could be some horrible dream that we’ve awoken from. The kids are all downstairs waiting for breakfast and we’ll go to the ocean this afternoon.

I want to go back to that time, desperately.

But we can’t go back.

“I need you too, you know?”

I hear him whisper it as he presses his nose into my hair and breathes me in.  I pull back slightly, and look up at him.  “Justin…”

His lips land on mine then, so gently, so passionately, just like I remember, and I don’t stop him, despite the dangers of this.  I can’t make myself do it.  I just kiss him back, hungrily, running my hands through his short curls as he gently pushes me out of the room and into the hall, pressing my body against the wall while he continues to work his lips from mine down to my neck and then to my chest, his fingers fumbling with the buttons on my blouse.  My eyes close, my head falls backward slightly, and I moan gently as I feel his lips land on the tops of my breasts.

We make it into the bedroom.  Our bedroom.  Countless nights of passion have commenced here, between us.  I thought those moments were gone, but here we are.  In seconds, my back hits the pillows, and I’m pulling his dress shirt out of his pants and clumsily pulling the buttons through the holes, nearly ripping the shirt off of him to get to the undershirt hidden beneath it.  We kiss as I help him get it up over his head, and I end up flinging it somewhere.  Then he’s helping me get my blouse off the rest of the way, and gently works his fingers on the clasp of my bra, getting it to snap apart in one swift motion, his lips landing on my bare shoulder the moment he slides the strap off, and does the same to the opposite side.  I work on his belt…his pants, his boxers…

Then we’re both naked, and we pause, both of us in a daze, taking each other in like it’s the first time.

I guess it has been a really long time.

He takes the plunge first, slams his lips into mine and pushes me completely down onto the mattress.  He’s silent while we make love, and the most I can do is breathe out his name heavily, quietly, my legs wrapped around him, my hands caressing his face that I love more than anything in the world.  We’re both in tears.

We climax together, moaning and groaning unearthly things into the abyss before we collapse against each other, our bodies glistening with sweat.  He strokes my face, runs his fingers through my hair, as he stares back into my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his forehead pressed against mine.  “I’m sorry…I’m sorry that I lost you.”

I feel a smile emerge after a couple of minutes, and it feels absolutely incredible.  “We lost each other,” I manage.

His eyes lightly up just slightly, and he leans in, pressing his lips to my forehead so gently, so lovingly.

“What happens now?”  I keep my gaze focused on his bare chest, gently caressing his pecs with my fingers.  

“I don’t want to think about it,” he says quietly, pulling me closer to his bare chest like he’s trying to keep me…like he never wants to let me go.  “I miss the hell out of you, but life is different now.  We both know that.”

As I gaze up into his eyes, I find that there’s only one thing I want to say to him, after all this time, and after what just happened.  “We can always start by being friends,” I smirk.

And he laughs.  It’s the laugh that I love, and the one that I’ve missed so badly for such a long time.  “That could work.”

“Or maybe it won’t.”

"Maybe," he whispers.

“Do you love me?” I whisper, searching his eyes for that light.  That light that was always there, that reassured me how much he cared.

It isn’t there now.

“I don’t know,” he says sadly.  “Do you love me?”

And I know I can’t tell him yes, because I’m just as confused.  “I don’t know.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he reassures me and holds me tighter in his arms, not hesistating to give me another soft kiss on the lips.  “I promise, we’ll figure it out.  Right now, let’s just watch Davey start his life, all right?”

I nod, and close my eyes after that, allowing myself to doze off in his arms.  I feel safe.  I feel like things are turning around, getting better, might work themselves out.

And that…

That’s all I really could have asked for.