If you're a Justin Timberlake fan, then you would know about Danielle Ditto, Veronica Finn, Britney Spears, Cameron Diaz, and now Jessica Beil. But I bet anything, you have no clue to who I am. The name's Nicole Ramirez. But friends and family call me Nikki. I am also a former girlfriend of the mega pop star. Actually I'm more than his former girlfriend. No, we've never been married, but...you know what? I'm just going to tell you my story from the beginning. So sit back, relax, grab a box of tissues and some goodies, and enjoy the laughter, the heartache, and the tears that are known as my life. I am Justin Timberlake's...Hidden Truth.



--



December ‘93

I laid in my bed completely still, completely bored out of my mind.  With nothing but the sound of my breathing and the faint sound of the radio playing old 80s favorites.  The kind of music that I liked.  But every song they played was garbage, and I just wanted to stab myself in the ear.

Winter break was finally here, and there was nothing to do.  I rarely had any friends.  But the ones that I did have were already off on family vacations out of town.

But not me…

Not me.

“Here’s an old classic that I know you all will love…”  I heard the DJ say.

I squealed in excitement running over to my stereo, turning the volume up as loud as it could go, as the first beats to one of my favorite song blasted through the system.  It was about time.  I had been waiting at least an hour for them to play something remotely good.  Grabbing my hairbrush, that had been sitting on my vanity, I began to cure my current state of boredom with a little bit of the Queen Mother herself:  Madonna.

I see you on the street and you walk on by
You make me wanna hang my head down and cry
My desire burning inside of me
But you choose to look the other way
I’ve had to work much harder than this
For something I want don’t try to resist me.

“Open your heart to me, ba-by.  I hold the lock and you hold the key.”  I sang loudly, as the chorus picked up, in my microphone hairbrush, dancing around my room.

This was my favorite song by Madonna.  It was just so much fun to dance to and it had a really great meaning behind it.  Although I had no clue what that kind of love meant.  But it was still an amazing classic.

"Nicole Annabelle Ramirez!  Would you please turn that racket down and come down here right now!"  I heard my mother call, well more like yell, interrupting my performance.

My mother always had that kind of timing.  Sometimes, I believed she sensed me having some kind of fun and she would immediately put a stop to it.

Reluctantly, I made my way back over to my stereo, turning it completely off.  Of course she had to go and ruin my fun.  "I'm coming!"  I yelled back, tossing my hairbrush onto my dresser, and as fast as I could, I ran down the stairs to find my mother, Beverly Eustice, standing at the bottom of the stairs, with her hands on her hips waiting for me.  Her face said it all.  She was not a happy camper.  

"Yes, mother." I tried to play it off as if I didn't see the scowl that had adorned her face.

"Nicole don't play with me." She read through my feigned ignorance.  I didn't exactly know how she did that.   "What did I tell you do earlier?"  She asked, and I looked at her confused.   

Did she tell me to do something earlier?

She sighed, obviously heavily annoyed.  "Nicole, I told you to wash those dishes about twenty minutes ago."

That's right.   She did tell me that.   I completely spaced that one.  As I did with all of my other chores.  "Oh, man, I forgot.  I'm sorry, mom.  I'll go do them now."  I smiled widely at her.  Maybe she wouldn’t noticed the fact that I was already beginning to regret this.  I sucked in a deep breath and began to walk towards the kitchen, but she had quickly stopped me.  "Yes?"

She looked at me sternly. "And take out the garbage when you're done."  I groaned inward and walked...well stomped my way into the kitchen.  "And hurry up, we have to go pick up your brother from work in forty-five minutes."  I heard her yell behind me, as soon as I made it to the kitchen.

I walked up to the sink, and inhaled. Ugh!  These dishes were the ones from last night.  My mom made post roast.  It tasted great last night, but it didn’t look (or smell) so well caked on the dinnerware.  My big headed brother was supposed to do them last night when he came home from work.  He always got out of doing his fair share of the chores.  Just because he has a job.  Hey, I’m only twelve. I’m not even legal to get a worker's permit.

So, I took a deep breath, rolled up my sleeves, and dug right in.

--


It took me close to an half an hour, but I finally finished.  I washed my hands thoroughly in order to the stinky, rotten smell off of them, from when I took the garbage out.  And I realized that I lived with some smelly people. After drying my hands off, I walked into the living room to find my mom sitting on her favorite recliner, reading a self-help book. "I'm done." She then looked up at me from her book, her glasses sitting on the brim of her nose.

"Well it took you long enough.”  She removed her glasses and placed them on the small coffee table next to her.  “Maybe if you had done them when I asked, we wouldn't have had this problem."

Instead of making a fuss, like I usually did, that would usually get me in heaps of trouble, I just nodded my head in agreement.  "Yes, mam."

"Ok," she nodded herself.  “Are you ready to go?”

"Yes, mam." I repeated, and she just pursed her lips together, giving me that look.  You know what look I’m talking about.

My mom could be such a bitch to me sometimes...wait a minute.  I didn't mean that.  I take it back.  I take it back.  I love my mom to death, but sometimes she could be really mean to me.  She could be pretty mean to all of us.  Well not all of us. I felt like she favored my brother over us.  But please don't tell her I told you that.  She'd kill me.

"Alright."  She said grabbing her jacket, keys, and purse. "Let's go." She opened the door and walked out first. "Make sure you lock the door."

"Yes, mam." I said locking the door before closing it.  I was really getting tired of this.

I skipped anxiously to my side of the car and hopped in.


--


It took us fifteen minutes to arrive at one of the many jobs that my brother was currently employed.  One of his many employments resided at America's dream theme park, Disney World.  My brother was one of the characters.  I forgot what it was.  Like I really paid any attention to him anyways.  He was 22 years old and still living at home with mom.  The only thing cool about him was the fact that he could get us into Disney and Universal Studios for free.  Other than that, he was dirt to me.

And speaking of brother dearest.  Here comes the creep now.

"Hey, mom." He smiled widely, opening the passenger side of the car where I was currently sitting.

"Hey, sweetheart." She reciprocated his smile sweetly.  Her attitude had just did a complete 180.

See I told ya.

I felt his eyes boring into the side of my head, before I turned to look at him.  “What?  Why are you looking at me like a creep?”  That’s because he is one.

"Move, Booger!"  He said, calling by the childhood nickname he gave me when I was two.  

No, 'hi' or 'how you doing?'

Nothing?

I told you he is a creep.

"Hey, to you too."  Sarcasm dripped in my voice, before he reached over and unbuckled my seatbelt.  Was he on crack?

"Hey, now move."  He told me, grabbing me by my elbow, trying to pull me out of the car.  Seriously, what is wrong with him?

"NO!”  I yanked my arm free from his grip.  “I was here first."

"I so don't care. Eldest up front. Boogers in the back."  He reached for my elbow again, and I slapped his hand away.  I was not giving up my seat.

"No."  I stood my ground.  He was not taking my seat.  And that’s that.

"Nikki, why don't you let your brother sit up front?"  My mother interveened.  Was she serious?  She was gonna make me give up my seat anyway?  Ugh!  This was so not fair!

I turned back to look at my brother, who smiled and stuck his tongue out.  I wanted to rip it right out of his mouth.

I then turned to my mom.  "But, mommy..." I whined.  Again, it was not fair that I had to give up my seat to this loser, who was capable of sitting in the backseat.  I didn’t know why he had to be so difficult.

"Nikki..."  She proceeded to give me that you-better-get-your-butt-in-that-backseat-or-I’ll-slap-the-taste-out-of-your-mouth look.

I smacked lips together in annoyance.  "Man!"  I reluctantly got up from my comfortable seat, and got out of the car. "You are such a loser."  I said to my brother, who still had a smug look across his face.

"Booger."  He bit back.

"Midget."  I threw back.

"Still, wearing your training bra?"  He pulled on the strap of my pink bra that had fallen down off of my shoulder

"Shut-up!" I slapped his hand off of me.  I tried to walk away, but he stuck his foot out, tripping me.  "Ma!"  I yelled, as he quickly hopped in the car, and locked the door, before I had a chance to get to him.

"Hey, hurry up and get in.  Kick-off starts in twenty minutes."  He yelled at me through the now cracked window.

Nobody cared about your stupid football game.  I know I didn’t.

I was about to open the door, but a crazy idea popped into my head.  He wanted to trip me and get a away with it.  I don't think so.  I was going to mess up his game time.  

"Mommy, I have to pee."  I said opening the door to the backseat, and sticking my head in.  I put on the puppy dog eyes to sweeten the pot a little.  I then heard the sound of my brother’s lips smack together.

"Nikki, you can wait until we get home." My mother said.

"But mommy," I whined, "I really, really have to go."

"Nikki..."

"Ma..." I mocked her.  “I really do have to go.  I can't wait until we get home.  It's too far away.  And I don't want to mess up the brand-new carpet you put in here."  I decided to amp up the acting by doing the pee-pee dance.

"Chris, give your sister your pass, so she can use the bathroom." She said quickly.

Yes, it was working.

"But ma," He protested.  He knew I was lying, just to get back at him.

"That child is not going to mess up my brand new carpet. Give her your pass."

"She's faking.  She's only doing this to get back at me for tripping her." Ahh my brother knew me all too well.

It's a good thing my mother didn't...I think. "Christopher Alan Kirkpatrick!" Ooh, she used his full name.  She really meant business. "Give her your damn pass.

Chris smacked his lips in annoyance again, as he reluctantly handed me the pass that was hanging from his neck.

"Thank you." I, all but snatched it from his hands and shut the car door.

Chris then rolled down the window all of the way, as I was walking away.  "You've got two minutes.  And please try not to get lost."

"I'm not going to get lost."  I yelled back, waving him off.  I have a keen since of direction, ok.

He rolled his eyes and rolled up the window.

--

I'm lost.

I told you my brother knew me too well.

I remembered taking a right at a sign that read, Restroom, This Way, but I saw no bathroom.  I spotted a group of kids around my age to left and figured, maybe they could help me and tell me how to get out of this place.

As I was walking toward them, I hadn't known my shoe was untied.  That is until I stepped on one of the laces, and it caused me to go flying face forward into the ground. The other kids must have saw it, because all I heard was laughing.

Great! How frickin' embarrassing!

Now how was I suppose to get out of here?   I couldn’t talk to them now.  I'm going to be known as the girl who tripped herself.  Maybe if I just lay here for the rest of my life, this moment would just go away.

"Hey, you need some help?" I saw a hand reach down towards me.

"Thanks."  I said grabbing the hand, and I was helped pulled to my feet.  I wiped my hands on the back of my jean, trying to get rid of the dirt that was on them.   Once I looked up and my eyes connected with his, I was speechless.  

He was the cutest boy I had ever seen in my life. Much cuter than Brandon Walsh.  He had this thick curly brownish-blonde hair, that was sticking out of a red bandana.  And those eyes.  Those baby blue eyes.  I could have gotten lost in those eyes.  I almost did. 

And then he did the most amazing thing...

He smiled at me!

I think I'm in love.

"Are you ok?"  He spoke, and all I could do was nod.  "You took a pretty nasty fall." I couldn't say anything.

"My name's Justin."  He stuck his handout for me to shake.  And still, I couldn't say a word. "And you would be?"  He smiled again.

What's my name?  What the heck is my name?  "Uh..." I began, trying to rack through my dead brain. "I'm...uh...Nikki...that's right.  My name is Nikki."  I finally shook his hand, and he laughed.

"Nice to meet you, Nikki."  He sounded like he had an accent.  Like he was from the south; like Texas or something.

"Uh...thanks again...for helping me."  I smiled shyly, tucking my hands into my back pockets.

"No, problem."  He smiled again.  I wish he would stop doing that.  He was making the butterflies in my stomach flutter. "Hey, look, Nikki, I have to get back now."  He said pointing to the group of the same kids standing around.

Oh, no, don’t go.  We just met.

"Ok."

"It was nice meeting you, Nikki."

I nodded. "It was nice meeting you, Justin."

"Bye."  He waved and began to walk back to the group of kids.

Still in a daze, watching him walk away, I had forgotten all about why I was here in the first place.

And then…

Wait a minute, I was still lost.  I needed to get back before my brother kills me.

"Hey, Justin," I called out to him, and he stopped in his tracks, turning around, "I'm kind of lost.  How do I get out of here?"

He chuckled, and walked back up to me. "Um...you see that building right there with the sign that says, Exit," I looked up and there it was, "that's where you go." Great now, he was gonna think I am clumsy and stupid.

"Oh.”  I wanted to slap myself across the forehead.  “Well thanks again."

"No, problem. And you might want to tie those, " he pointed to my tennis shoes that were still untied, "we don't want you to have another accident.  I wouldn't want you to hurt that pretty face."  As soon as he said the words, I immediately blushed. "Bye, again, Nikki."

"Bye." I waved giddily, as he walked off.

As soon as he made it back to his friends, he looked back at me smiled, and waved.  I waved back.  Now, I know I was definitely in love.

Wait, which way did he say again?

--

"You got lost, didn't you?" Was the first thing my brother said, as soon as I made it back to the car, and hopped in.  

I just ignored his stupidity, because I was still smiling.   I had never felt this way before about a boy.  I mean I had crushes before, but none like this.  He made my stomach turn in knots, but in a good way.  A very good way.

My dorky brother turned back to look at me. "What are you smiling for?"

"Nothing.  Leave me alone, Goof boy."  I spat back.  He was not going to ruin this moment for me.

"I am Plu-to, not Goofy."  He corrected me on which Disney character he was playing, while yelling at me.  Again, I didn’t really care.

"Pluto, Goofy, they're both still dogs. Which you are."

"Shut-up."  Was the best comeback he could come up with.  I rest my case.

He turned back to face the front, and I started smiling again.  Looking out of the window, I started thinking about the boy with the baby blues -blushing- as my mother drove off the Disney parking lot.

March ‘95



Well, it had been two years since I’d seen the boy with the baby blues.  And even to this day I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  How pathetic was I?  I was in love with a boy that I’d only met once.  And will probably never see in my life again.  

But I couldn’t help it.  When I go to sleep at night,  I dream of him.  I dreamt of his hair.  His lips.  His smile.  And those gorgeous blue eyes.  I dreamt of those eyes every night.

It was too bad that I would never see them again.

But on the bright side, a lot of things had changed in two years.  I officially didn’t have to wear a training bra anymore.  That was pretty exciting for me.  I’ve been blessed with boobs and a little booty too.  How stinking great is that?  I just started my first year of high school, the ninth grade.  I attend Dr. Phillips High School and I’m the only freshman to make the girl’s Varsity basketball team.  Which I was pretty stoked about.  

And the best thing that had happened in the past two years, is that my Stinky McStinkface brother finally got a place of his own.  You don’t know how happy that made me.  I didn’t have to hear his annoying voice, telling the world’s corniest jokes or smell his Frito smelling feet anymore.  I was a free woman.

And speaking of the biggest loser in the world, he decided that he wanted to try his hand in music.  He wanted to start a boy band like New Kids on the Block or something like that.  More like Old Man in a Rocking Chair.  I mean he is way too old to be a boy in a band.  He’s a loser, that’s what he is.  He’s not going to make it.  This little “boy band” thing was just a phase.  Just like everything else in his life.  And besides, I was the better singer in the family anyway.  Or so I’ve been told.  

But back to dog breath, he was actually downstairs right now, with the potential lab rats for his little project.  Like I said…loser.

I guess I could go downstairs to take a peek at the guys to see if any are cute.  And besides I could totally go for a fried bologna and cheese sandwich.

Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, I heard the sound of laughter coming from the dining room area.  I continued to walk towards the kitchen when I stopped dead in my tracks.  My heart had dropped completely to my stomach.  My breathing became shallow, and palms became moist with sweat.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  

But there he was.  

Baby blues.  

Justin.  

The boy I had been in love with for the past two years.  

My dream guy…well you get the point.  

But there he was.  Sitting right here in my dining room.  Eating my food and laughing at my brother’s corny jokes.

Was this real?  Or was I dreaming?

I reached down and pinched the inside of my arm really hard.  I held back the scream that was coming on, when I realized that this was indeed real.

“Are you going to say something or are you just going to stand there and look stupid, Booger?”  Chris said rudely interrupting my thoughts.

Justin and the rest of the guys turn to look at me.  He and I instantly made eye contact.

“Well, since my sister picked to look stupid, I’ll just introduce you.”  My brother said after two minutes of silence.  “Justin, Joey, JC, Charles, this is my sister…”

“Nikki?”  Justin cut Chris off.

“Yeah…good guess.”  Chris said confused.

“Hi, Justin.”  I was finally able to say, as I gave him a small wave.  I couldn’t believed that he remembered me.  After all this time, he remembered me?

Chris still had a very confused look on his face.  “Did I miss something here?  You two know each other?”  He pointed between me and Justin.

“We’ve met.”  Justin said breaking his attention away from me, looking at my brother and then back at me, smiling.  There was that smile.  The smile I had been waiting to see for the past two years.

I guess a lot had changed with him too.  His voice was a little deeper and he was taller.  Even though he was still sitting, I could tell that he was pretty tall.  The one thing that hadn’t changed was that he was still the cutest boy I had ever seen.

“When was this?”  Chris asked, again breaking me out of thoughts.

“About two years ago.”  I spoke up, now breaking my gaze from Justin to answer my brother’s question.

“Yeah.  She got lost and I helped her find her way out.”  He winked and smile at me again.  I turned my head to blush.

“How typical of you, Booger?”

“Shut-up.”  I reiterated, coming back to reality.

“And where did you manage to get yourself lost this time?”  My brother raised his eyebrow in mock suspicion, folding his arms across his chest.

“When you worked at Disney.”  I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“Yeah.”  Justin chimed back in.  “That was when me and JC were filming the MMC.”

“How nice.”  Chris says, sarcastic dripping from his voice.

“Eat dirt.”  I told Chris, causing him to stick his tongue out at me.  He was such a big kid.  I just ignored him and turned back to Justin again.  He smiled at me.  Why did he always do that?   Didn’t he know what that does to me?  “Well, I’m going to go in the kitchen now.  Nice meeting you guys.  Bye Justin.”  I waved at the guys as I walked towards the kitchen.

And then it happened again.

As I walking, my foot had gotten caught behind the leg of my brother’s chair.  But I had caught myself, before I fell flat on my face.  

But it was still embarrassing.

“Ha.  Ha.  What a loser.”  I heard my brother say as I quickly rushed into the kitchen to hide my embarrassment.

How could I be so stupid?  I was so stupid.  My brother was right.  I am a loser.  The second time I see Justin in my entire life, I trip…again.  What was up with that?  Was this some kind of karmic pay?  Did I piss somebody off in a previous life?  Or it could be the fact that I was so freaking clumsy.  I was a walking, breathing, living, disaster.  

Walking to the back door of my house, I walked out to the backyard.  In times like these, I needed to get my head straight.  I picked up my basketball and began to dribble the ball around the backyard.  

Basketball was now my big stress relief.  I had gotten into basketball around three years ago.  I only really got into it because my brother really didn’t like it that much.  And it would piss him off.  He was and still is a football kind of guy.  But I then realized that I was really good at it and took it up as a hobby.  Last Christmas my mom got me a hoop for the backyard and I’d been playing ever since.

Standing at my imaginary three-point line, I got ready to set up my shot.  Getting into the position, I dribbled the ball a few times, tossing it into the air, letting it go.  Swoosh!  Nothing, but net.

I heard clapping coming from behind me.  “Nice shot.”  I turned to see where the voice came from.  It was Justin.  How long had he been out here?

“Thanks.”  I blushed.

He walked closer to me.  Just breathe Nikki.  Just breathe.  “You play?”

I nodded.  “Yeah…I…uh…play for my…uh…Varsity team.  Only freshman.”  I nervously say.

He looked at me with a surprised look on his face.  “That’s really cool.”  He picked up the ball and tossed it back to me.  “I bet you can’t make that shot again.”  He smirked, challenging me.

I chuckled at that.  There was one thing about me that Justin didn’t know.  I don’t back down from any challenge.  And that was the funniest thing I’d ever heard.  But I decided to humor him.  “How much do you want to bet?”

“A date.”  He blurted out.  I almost dropped the ball from my hands.  He wanted a date?  With me?  “If you don’t make the shot you have to go out on a date with me.  And if you make the shot you still have to go out on a date with me.”

Again I blushed not saying anything.  Say something you idiot.  Say something.  Wait… “Wait a minute.”  I looked him in his gorgeous baby blues.  “What do I get out of this?”

He then chuckled.  “You get a date with me.”

I smiled.  He was so cute.  “You’re so charming.”  I said sarcastically out loud, but inside I meant it.

He smiled back.  “Thanks.  One of my many qualities.  So, do we have a deal?”  He stuck his hand out.

I thought about it for a second before I realized, what the hell was I thinking about this for?  “Deal.”  I shook his hand.

“Cool.”  He smiled.

“Cool.”  I repeated, smiling also.

Again, I stood at my imaginary three-point line to set up my shot.  Talk about nerves.  I’ve played in front of large crowds before, but this is different.  This was Justin.  I get nervous just looking into his eyes.  Well, here goes nothing.  Taking a deep breath, I dribbled the ball a couple of more times.  I set up the shot and let it go.  Swoosh!  

“Oh yeah!”  I jumped up and down.  I didn’t seem too eager, did I?

He started clapping again.  “Dang, girl.  You’re good.”

I chuckled at the surprise in his voice.  “I didn’t make Varsity for nothing.”

“True.”  He laughed.

“So, when’s my date?”  I said in a more confident manner.  Instead of sounding like a giddy school-girl with a crush…even though that’s what I am.

“How about Saturday?”

“Saturday sounds good.”  I said excitedly.

“You want to play a game of one-on-one?”  He picked up the ball and spun it around on his index finger.  

Show off.

“Don’t you have to go back to my brother’s project group?”

“Hey, I’m in that project group.”  He bounced passed me the ball.  “Now I’m offended.”  He actually looked a little hurt.

I dribbled the ball in between my legs.  “Well, hanging around my brother, you should feel offended.”  I shot the ball towards the basket, and this time I missed.  “Dang it.”

Justin ran to get the ball.  “What’s the deal with you and your brother?”  He passed me the ball again.

“Nothing.  Except the fact that he’s a jerk.”  I made another shot and this one went in.

Justin laughed, as tossed him the ball.  He hit a jump shot and smiled my way when the ball went in perfectly.  Again, show off.  I walked right up to him, snatching my ball from his grip, teasingly.

“Hey, Justin,”  Justin and I both turned to the door to the backyard.  “what are you doing with the Booger?”

See.  Jerk.

“Shut-up.”  I threw the ball at him, and it hit him right in his shin.  I was getting sick of him.  Why was he here anyway?

“Ouch!  Shit, Nikki!  That hurt.”  He grabbed his leg, and hobbled in pain.  I started laughing, and I could have sworn I heard a slight chuckle coming from Justin.  “This shit isn’t funny, Nikki.  That really hurt.  I am so telling mom.”

“Well next time you’ll know better than to call me Booger.  That isn’t my name.  I’m going to my room.  Bye, Justin.”  I waved to him and walked back toward my house.

"See you, Saturday."  He waved back, smiling.

As I walked into the house I could hear Chris ask about what was happening on Saturday.

Smiling to myself, I could not wait.

--

Saturday Night

“I can’t believe that my baby’s going on her first date.”  My mother stood teary-eyed at my bedroom door.  

My older sister, Molly, was doing my hair and make-up.  

“She’s growing up so fast.  Next thing you know, she’ll be graduating high school, then college, and she’ll be getting married and starting a family of her own.”  She walked in and sat on my bed.

Oh, goodness grief.  She’d already got me married with kids.  And I hadn’t even gone out on the date with Justin yet.

“Mom, chill.  It’s just a date.”  Molly said as she finished off my hair.  “She’s not grown, yet.  Plus, she’s not the only baby.  You still have Emily, Kate, and Taylor.”

My mom sighed, running her fingers through my hair.  “I know, but you wouldn’t understand.  You’re not a mother.”  She blew her nose noisily into a tissue.

Molly shook her head in amusement.  

You see, Molly is my older, much cooler sister.  She’s younger than Chris.  By three years.  But she was way more mature.  She was not only my big sister, she was like my best friend.  I could practically tell her anything.  Things I couldn’t even tell my own mom.  I went to her for advice on everything.  From boys to clothes to other personal girl stuff.  And unlike my brother, Molly moved out as soon as she turned eighteen.  She got accepted into Florida State University to study journalism.  I admire her.  She was my inspiration.  I wished to be her someday.

“Ma, it’s just a date.  A date with a boy who’s smart, funny, and cute.”  I began to blush just thinking about my date with Justin.

“Are you blushing?”  Molly teased, and I immediately hid my face in my hands, trying to hide this feeling of embarrassment..  “You really like this guy don’t you?”

More than you know.  “Molly, he’s so cute.”  I gushed.

“Well, then I’m going to have to see this for myself.”  She said finishing the last bit of my make-up I had on, which wasn’t much anyway.  “I’m done.”

I looked in the mirror.  She had straightened out my curly hair, but curled it loosely at the ends.  I had a little bit of black eyeliner around my eyes, minimal eye shadow, and the lightest shade of pink lip gloss.   Wow, I looked really good.  She did an amazing job.  “I love it, Molly.”

“Great.”  She smiled, trying to tame the fly-aways on my hair.

“Thank you so much.”

Then the sound of the doorbell rang through my house.  It was him.  He was here.  If I wasn’t nervous before, I was now.   Wait, who‘s downstairs?   Oh no.  “Mom, can you get the door? Please?”  I turned to her.

“Chris is downstairs, he’ll get it.”

I shook my head and whined.  “Mommy.  I don’t want Chris to get it.  He’s going to embarrass me.”

“He’s not going to…fine, I’ll get it.”  She got up from my bed and headed downstairs.

“Thank you.”  At least with my mom, Chris won’t do anything to embarrass me…I think.

“Are you ready?”  Molly looked at me.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”  I stated truthfully.

“Ok.  Go ahead.”

I nodded and got up from my chair.  I grabbed my purse, sliding the long strap on my shoulder, before I began to walk out my room.   But my nerves got the best of me, and I stopped and turned around to look at Molly.  She gestured that everything was going to be fine, and to keep going.  I nodded my head again and walked out of the room.

Taking a deep breath, I began to descend the stairs. Please don’t trip.  Please don’t trip.  Was running through my mind.  Knowing me, I would probably trip and fall flat on my face.  But I was hoping, and secretly praying, that that wouldn’t happen tonight.

As I reached the bottom of the staircase, without injury, I heard my mother say that I would be coming down in a minute.

“I’m right here.”  I announced standing on the last step.

I saw Justin.  He looked so adorable in his white button down dress shirt and khaki pants.  The woman standing next to him had to be his mother.  They looked just a like.  And now I see where Justin gets his curly hair from.

“Hi.”  I placed the cheeriest smile upon my face, as I greeted Justin and his mom.

“Hey, Nikki.”  Justin smiled at me.

Ok, I was blushing again.

“Hi, Nikki.  I’m Lynn, Justin’s mom.”  Justin’s mom said in a Southern, scratchy  voice.  She gestured her open hand towards me.

“It’s nice to meet you.”  I accepted the gesture, and shook her hand.

She smiled a toothy grin.  “Nice to meet you too.  Justin was right.  You are very pretty.”

Oh…my…GOD!  I’ve just completely melted.  He said that?!  About me?!  Justin really thinks I’m pretty.

I turned to look in his direction and he was now blushing.

My night just totally got so much better.

“So, are you two ready to go?”  Lynn looked between myself and Justin, and asked.

We both nodded in agreement.

The three of us all headed out the door.  I told my mother goodbye, as she still had tears in her eyes.  I looked upstairs and saw Molly standing at the top, giving me the thumbs up and mouthing “he’s really cute” to me.  And then I turned around and saw my brother laughing and putting an “L” on his forehead using his forefinger and thumb.  I knew exactly what that meant.  So, while my mother wasn’t looking, I showed him a finger of my own.  The look on his face was completely priceless, when my mom shut the door.

--

About ten minutes later, Justin’s mom had dropped both Justin and I off at the entrance of Universal City Walk.

“So, what is there do around here?”  Justin asked me, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Um,” Why was I so nervous?   Oh, yeah that’s right.  There was a totally hot guy standing in front me.  And he was all mine…for the time being.  I cleared my throat.  “Well, we can go to the movies…” I pointed in one direction.  “…Or we could go window shopping…”  I pointed in another direction.  Wow, my hands were really, really sweaty.  “…Or we can get something to eat first.  Or…”  I kept rambling.  I kind of get like that when I was nervous.  Ok.

“How ‘bout we go see a movie?”  He looked at me like he wanted me to shut-up.  

I wanted me to shut-up.  Who wouldn’t want me to shut-up?  I’m guessing you want me to shut-up too?

“A movie would be great.”  I smiled at him.  

He smiled back.  “Cool.”

We then started walking in the direction of the movie theater.

Justin and I had a great conversation.  We talking about everything.  From basketball to music.  It turns out that we have a lot of things in common.  He liked Janet Jackson.  I liked Janet Jackson.  Of course we both liked basketball.  We both liked action movies.  The list went on and on.  And I realized that he was a really funny guy.  He had me cracking up the entire walk to the theater.

And speaking of funny.  Right before we reached the ticket area, Justin said something really cute, and I had the nerve to blurt out, “You are so cute.”  As soon as the words came out of my mouth I wanted to go back in time to this moment and slap myself in the face.  “I mean what you said was cute, not you.”  Uh, wrong again, idiot.  “I mean you’re cute, but what you said…you don’t want to finish this date?  Do you?”  I put head down in shame.  This was a total bust.

I felt him reach out and lift my chin.  That strange look he had on his face had turned to into a smile.  And those crystal blue, ocean like eyes sparkled.  “It’s ok, Nikki.  I know what you meant.  And you know what?”  Now he had my attention.  “I think you’re cute too.”  He smiled a toothy grin.  

I blushed again for the hundredth time that night.

He then reached down and grabbed my hand, and we walked towards the theater.

Justin and I went to see Indian in the Cupboard.  Yeah, I know what you are thinking, but in our defense that was the only movie playing that wasn’t rated R.  So, we had no other choice.  And to tell you the truth, it wasn’t the best movie I’ve seen, but it wasn’t the worst.  I wasn’t even paying attention anyway.  Justin had my attention the entire time.

After the movie, we decided to eat at the little pizzeria that was just a few doors down.  We had a grand ole time.  I know who talks like that?  I’m weird.  I know.  I told you I was nervous here.  But anyways, Justin and I had a blast.  This was the best date I’ve been on.  Actually, it’s the only date, I’ve been on.

And before I knew it, Justin’s mom was there to pick us up.  The ride home was short.  And I just wished that I could this all over again.

Pulling up into my driveway, I said goodbye to Justin’s mom.  Justin and I got out of the car, and he walked up to my door.

If you were mine
I’d treat you right

So, like two idiots, Justin and I stood at my door, saying nothing.

“I had a great time tonight, Justin.”  I was the first to break the morbid silence.

“Yeah, me too.”  He said nervously as he stuffed his hands back into his pockets.

Again…silence.

I’d give you the world
If I was your girl

I cleared my throat, as I broke the silence yet again.  “Well, goodnight.”  I turned around to open my front door.

“Hey, Nikki.”  I heard him call out to me.  I stopped and turned back around.  He stood there for a couple of seconds, hands were still stuffed in his pockets.  I was waiting for him to say something, but instead he did something so much better.

He leaned down and captured my lips in a sweet, gentle kiss.

‘Cause I never thought that I would fall so far
But ever since the first time you caught my eye

I felt my knees becoming weak.  The butterflies in my stomach fluttered.  My heart beat raced faster.  I wish so bad that you could be me right now.  To have this wonderful feeling.  To feel his perfectly soft pink lips placed upon yours.  You know how in the movies when the two leading characters kiss for the very first time, fireworks explode, and that one special song plays?  That’s what this felt like, only more real.

In a matter of time
You’ll be mine

Once we broke the kiss, we just stood there looking into each other eyes, and tried to catch our breaths.

If I could close my eyes and make a wish
If the only thing worth asking for is just one kiss

“Good night, Nikki.”  Justin finally said something.

“Goodnight.”  I muttered out, still feeling the effects from our kiss.

He smiled at me one last time, before walking back to the car.

After I closed the door to my house.  I turned around, leaned up against the doorframe and sighed.

That was my very first kiss.

And it was amazing.

May  ‘96

I can not believe that brother actually did it!  He’d actually accomplished something in his life that didn’t involve lounging around my house eating up all of the food.  He’d actually gotten the group together and had gotten them a manager from Trans Continental, Lou Pearlman.  

So, Chris and the rest of the guys were currently over in Europe to follow the other group that Mr. Pearlman had put together, the Backstreet Boys.  What kind of name was that anyway?  Even though the one with the blond hair and blue eyes was really cute.  Any who, my brother’s group name is *N Sync.  Mrs. Lynn, Justin’s mom, came up with it.  The name has two meanings actually.  The spelling came from the last letters of each of the guys names, JustiN ChriS JoeY LansteN JC.  The second meaning is how in sync they are with their voices and dance moves.

And I know what you are thinking.  Where the hell did that Lansten boy come from?  And where was Charles?  Well, Charles left the group for reasons unknown, and they had replaced him with some guy named Jason.  But he left to get married.  So, they found a boy named James Bass from Mississippi, through Justin’s old vocal coach, Bob Westbrook.  He was perfect for the group.  But the only thing that wasn’t perfect was his name.  They found out his middle name was Lance and as a joke we started calling him Lansten.  And it stuck.

And speaking of Justin, I know that you are probably sick of me rambling on and on about my brother’s group.  And I know that I’ve bored you to tears.  And you’re really waiting on the juicy details of what happened between myself and Justin.  Well, after the night of our first date and the night where he gave me my wonderful, magnificent, magical first kiss, I was really in love.  We continued to hang out and go out on different dates.  And now I can officially say that Justin Randall Timberlake is MY boyfriend.  How freaking exciting was that?  I, Nicole Annabelle Ramirez, have a boyfriend.

Right now he was in Germany with the rest of the guys promoting their group.  And since school just let out for summer for me, my mom and Justin’s mom said that it was ok that I could join them for my summer vacation.

Actually my plane just landed in Frankfurt.  That was the longest flight I have ever been on.  Almost eighteen hours.  

I turned off my walkman, and stuffed it down in my purse.  As soon as the ‘Fasten Seat Belt’ sign went off, I unbuckled my seatbelt.  I then heard the flight attendant announce something in German, but she then repeated that we have arrived in Frankfurt in English, for those of us who didn’t understand.  I stood up from my seat, stretched my achy limbs.  I reached up to the overhead compartment and grabbed my baby blue Jansport backpack.  I followed the insanely long line of passengers to get off of the plane.  I walked through the terminal to get to the inside of the airport.  

As soon as I got there, I saw Mrs. Lynn, dressed in jeans and a windbreaker jacket, holding a sign with my name scribbled across in chicken scratch writing (definitely Justin’s writing or a five year old), as she stood there with a huge burly African American man.

She smiled when she saw me.  “Hey, sweetie.”  She embraced me in a huge hug.  “How was your flight?”

“Long.”  I exasperated, letting out a deep breath of air.

“I bet.”  She placed her arm around my shoulder.  “The boys are doing a radio interview right now.  They are going to be there for a while.  We are going to stop by the hotel, so you can get refreshed, get some rest, and then we will go and get them from the radio station.  K?”  She said giving my shoulder a small squeeze.

“Ok.”  I nodded.

“Alright, let’s go and get your bags.”

--

Almost an hour later, we had arrived at the hotel.  The man that had came with Mrs. Lynn, who I found it his name was Mike, one of the two bodyguards the guys had, had helped us into the hotel that the guys were staying.  I would be sleeping the same room with Mrs. Lynn.  

Mike placed my bags next to my bed.

I plopped down on the huge comfortable bed.

“Nikki, I’m going down to the lobby to get some coffee and to make a quick phone call.  You need anything?”  Mrs. Lynn asked me as she stood next to the door.

I shook my head.  “No, thanks.”

“Ok, baby.  I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  She said as she walked out of the room.

I sighed looking around the room.  The room had a very beautiful Venetian thing going on.  There were lots of browns and beiges going on.  I always thought those colors were kind of bland and boring, but this room was far from it.

I sighed and then stood to my feet.  I picked up one of my suitcases and placed it on the top of my bed.  As soon as I opened it up, I contemplated on what to wear.  When I searched through its contents, I settled on a pair of dark denim jeans and my Janet Jackson concert tee, that I got from her concert two years ago.  

I took a ten minute shower.  When I got out, Mrs. Lynn still hadn’t returned.  I finished my hygiene thing.  Deodorant, lotion, etc, and I got dressed.  I opted on straightening my curly hair, but since I was too lazy to do anything, I just decided to leave it curly and let it air dry.

When I finished getting dressed, I grabbed the remote and sat at the head of the bed, and waited.  I pressed the power button for the television and turned it on.  I started flipping through the channels.  I kept flipping and flipping.  Nothing was on.  Until, I got to a channel that was playing my favorite TV show, Saved by the Bell, but it was in German.  Since nothing else was on, I just left it on that.  And besides it’s an episode that I have already seen.

A light yawn escaped from my lips.  I hadn’t realized I was that tired until, in the middle of trying to read Zack’s lips, my eyes drifted shut.

--

I felt a sudden shift in the bed.

“Wake up, Beautiful.”  I heard a voice sing in my ear, before I felt something or someone nuzzle my neck.

My eyes soon fluttered open and they were instantly connected a pair of dark blue ones.  “Justin?”

“Hey.”  He said as he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.

“Hey.”  I said groggily trying to sit up.  “What time is it?”

He looked down at his watch and looked back up at me.  “It’s a little after one.”

Another yawn escaped my lips.  “Wow.  I’ve been asleep for awhile.”

He nodded.  “Yeah.  My mom didn’t want to wake you.  Since you had a long flight.  She figured that you needed that nap.”

“Oh.”  I yawned again.  “Where’s everybody?”

“In the other room.  You hungry?”

“A little.”  My stomach grumbled a little.  I did have a meal on the plane, but that was garbage.

“Well we’re leaving in ten minutes to go and get something to eat.”  He smiled at me, while he softly caressed my cheek.  Man, I never get sick of seeing that smile.  And I hadn't seen it in weeks.

I smiled back him.  “Ok, let me just get my shoes.”

“Ok.”  He said getting up from the bed, and then he helped me up.  But before I could reach for my tennis shoes, he pulled me into his warm embrace.  “I missed you.”

I placed my head on his chest, his smell lingering in my nose.  God, he smelled so good.  “I missed you too.”  I then looked up at him.  He gave me a half grin, leaned down, and placed another kiss on my lips.  His large hands cupped face, as our kiss deepened.

It had been too long since I kissed him.

After we had reluctantly let go, I put on my shoes, grabbed my purse and jacket, and grabbed Justin’s hand.  We walked out of the room, where we saw Lance, my dorky, butt muncher brother, Mrs. Lynn, and few others standing in the hallway.

“Look who finally decided to wake up.  Nice to see you, Booger.”  Of course my brother, Chris, just being himself, walked up to me, and gave me a huge hug, breaking my grip from Justin away.  “How was the flight?  How’s mom?”

“Fine and fine.”  I answered.

“And Molly?”  He asked.

“Fine.”  Again, I answered.

“And Emily?”  He asked.

I knew exactly where this was going.  “Fine…Kate and Taylor are fine too.  Anything else?”  He shook his head, and then placed sloppy open mouthed kiss on my cheek.  “Ugh!  Chris!”  I wiped the wet spot on my cheek.  “That was so gross.”  I then wiped my hand on his t-shirt.  “You’re nasty.”

“And I love you too, Booger.”  He said, ruffling my hair, and I just slapped his hand away.

“Ah, look who it is?”  I turned to my right and there was Joey, along with JC, walking up to me, with his video camera firmly attached to his hands.  I swear he carried that damn thing everywhere he went.  “How you doing, Nikki?”  He leaned down and hugged me.

“Good.”  I said returning the gesture.

“That’s great.  Now would you say a few words to the camera please?”  He held up the video device to my face.  “And…ACTION!”  He yelled to me causing the others to burst into a fit of laughter.

I raised my hand up to shield my eyes from the bright light at the top of the camera.  “Joey.”  I whined.  “You know how much I hate cameras?”  I said standing on one hip, still shielding my eyes from the light.

He took the camera down and pouted.  “You’re no fun.”  He walked away from me a little sadden.

“Hey, Nikki.”  JC said reaching down to hug me also.

“Alright, hands off my girl.”  Justin intervened, as he playfully pushed JC off of me, before wrapping his arm around my shoulders.  “Let’s eat.”

I snickered and shook my head at Justin’s possessiveness, and followed everyone out of the hotel.  We all piled into the huge bus that awaited us outside.

Justin and I decided to take a seat in the back.  He sat near the window and I sat next to him.  Getting comfortable, I rested my head on his shoulder.  I was still feeling a little jet lagged.

“Aren’t they disgusting?”  I looked up to see Joey turned around facing Justin and myself, holding up that damned video camera, again.  “Aren’t they disgusting Jace?”  He turned the camera in JC’s direction, who’s was sitting right next to him.

“I don’t know, Joe.”  JC said looking into the camera.  “I think these two are way past disgusting.  I think vile is more like it.”

Joey nodded his head in agreement.  “Yes, that’s it. You young kids...so in loveeee.”  He sang into the camera.

I turned to look at Justin who was snickering.  I shook my head and turned back to Joey.  “Oh, shut-up, Joey.”  I threatened and he turned his camera back around to me.  “I don’t talk about you and Kelly.  Do I?”

“What about me and Kelly?”  Confusion was written all over his mocha colored eyes.

“Hmm…let’s see…”  I pretended to think.  “I think it was last Christmas.  It involved you, Kelly, and a hall clos…”

His eyes lit up.  “Hey!”  He shielded the lens of his camera and whispered, “not in front of the camera.”  He then turned to his attention back to JC.  And I turned my attention back to resting my head against Justin’s shoulder, satisfied by what I just accomplished.

I lightly yawned, looking down at Justin’s right hand saw something that I’ve never seen before.  It was a ring.  “Is that new?”  I asked.

“Is what new?”  He asked looking down at me, his azure eyes read of confusion.

“This.”  I lightly ran my finger across the ring.

“Oh, that…” he quickly snatched his hand away from me.  O…k.  “Yeah…my granny…uh….got it for me.  It was a birthday gift.”

“Oh.”  I said confused.  I had never seen that ring before, and I was definitely not impressed.  Granny needed better taste.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  He shifted, a little agitated.  “You don’t like it?”

I shook my head.  “No,” I answered honestly.  “It’s kind of ugly.”  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, his hit the floor.  What?  The ring was ugly.  It was a gold nugget shape with grooves in it.  Trust me if you saw it, you would have said that thing was ugly too.  “I guess since it’s from your Granny, it’s special.”  I tried to sympathize.  But the damage had already been done.

“Yeah, whatever.”  He turned his attention out to the window.

Oh great, he’s mad at me now.

Me and my big mouth.

“JC, it’s a lover’s quarrel.”  

I looked up and JC, Joey, and that stupid camera were back in my face.

I leaned forward, looking straight into the oversized lens.  “I swear to God, if you don’t get that thing out of my face, I will -and I quote- beat you to death with it.”

JC held in laughter, while Joey feigned shock.

“Well, someone’s being a big meanie pants.”  Joey whined, before sticking his tongue out at me.  It seemed like he wanted to lose that too.  But he had already turned back around, coddling the camera to him.  “It’s ok, baby.  I won’t let the mean little girl hurt you.”

Weirdo…

I turned back over to Justin, and he was still pouting in the corner.  Geez, it was just a ring…

--

We all decided to dine at everyone’s favorite, McDonald’s, for lunch.  Even in Germany they have a McDonald’s.

When we all departed from the bus, Justin, still very much pissed at me, began to walk a head of me.  I didn’t know why he was being such a big baby.  It wasn’t like I called his Granny ugly.

I sped walk to try to catch up with him.  “Hey,” I pulled on the bottom part of his windbreaker, once I caught up with him.  He stopped and turned around to face me.  I sighed before beginning.  “I’m sorry, ok?  It was wrong of me to say bad things about something that obviously means a lot to you.  Since it was your Granny who gave it to you, then the ring is beautiful.”  Pardon me, while I go cringe.  “You forgive me?”  I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together.

I could see the tension in his crystal eyes melt away.  God, did I mention how much I love those eyes?

It was his turn to sigh.  “I’m sorry too.  I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.  You have your opinions and I have my opinions on your stuff.”

Wait a minute…  “What stuff?”  I was offended.  What of mines that Justin had his opinions on?

He shook his head.  “Never mind.”  He then leaned down to place another kiss on my lips.  I guess he wanted to get my mind off of our conversation.  And it worked.

“Hey, Curly!”  Justin and I were rudely interrupted when the loud, squeaky sound of my brother’s voice that was coming from behind us.  We both turned into the direction of the entrance of McDonald’s.  “Hands off the little sister, Perv.”

“Shut-it, Chris!”  I yelled to him once Justin and I stood at the entrance along with my creep brother.

“Don’t yell at me!  Don’t forget that I’m the eldest.”  He pointed to himself.

“And don’t forget you hit like a girl.”  I mocked him shoving my fist in his face.  He really did hit like a girl.

And just like that he quickly backed off.  I knew my brother knows better than to mess with me like that.  

“You ain’t got to get all physical with me.”  He defended himself and turned to Justin, who was standing behind me.  “Feel free to feel my sister up anytime.”  He said patting Justin’s shoulder.

Justin snickered as I grabbed his hand and we walked into the restaurant.

“Wimp.”  I heard Lance cough to my brother.

“You’re damn right.  My sister might be small, but she packs a powerful punch.”  Chris admitted, and I smiled widely.  Yep, that’s right.  Got ‘im trained.

--

Lunch was actually pretty normal.  If you considered normal as Joey and JC throwing French fries at Lance, who’s trying to catch them in his mouth.  Chris was making weird and obscene noises with parts of his body I dare not discuss.  My brother’s disgusting.  Justin was sitting right next to me, singing to the top of his lungs.  I wish he would just shut the hell up.  

And then there was me.  I was sitting here eating my French fries peacefully, just watching these fools make asses of themselves.  And I had to wonder, if this was a pretty normal lunch, I’m scared to see what a not so normal lunch would be.  Actually, I don’t even want to think about it.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Joey’s hand slowly inched its way towards my fries.  “If you don’t want to pull back a hand with no fingers, then I suggest that you remove your hands from my fries.”  I warned him.  He quickly snatched his hand back.  “That’s what I thought.”  I said taking a fry and chomping down on it.

“Chris was right.  You are evil.”  Joey said and I smiled.  Was I supposed to be offended by that?  Joey then turned to Justin.  “Be careful, JT.”

I turned to look at Justin, smiling.  “Hey, at least I know when I’m in trouble, I have back up.  Ain’t that right, baby?”  He turned to me and winked.

I rolled my eyes at him.  “Aren’t you supposed to be the one defending my honor?”

He smiled before he answered.  “Yeah, if any guy touches you, I would kick some serious as…butt.” I then heard a snicker beside me, and turned my head to see Joey covering up his mouth.  Justin playfully rolled his eyes at him before he continued.  “Anyways, I wouldn’t let another guy touch you, but another girl, I’ll help…I’ll help throw in the whipped cream and hot fudge.”  He wiggled his eye brows, before receiving a high-five from Joey.

Geez boys are disgusting.  I turned to see Mrs. Lynn, who had the same disgusted face I had on her face.  “Do you hear him?”

“I heard him.”  She said looking at him sternly, before reaching over to slap him in the back of his head.

Now it was my turn to laugh.

Justin grabbed his head in pain.  “Ouch, ma.  That hurt.”

“Uh-hmm.”  Mrs. Lynn said taking a bite of her fish sandwich.

Served him right for being a pig.

--

The next couple of weeks went by in a complete blur.  And I was there for every part of it.  I went with them to their shows.  Which were awesome by the way.  I had never seen so many screaming girls in my life.  We almost got trampled several times, by these crazy girls, who were chasing the guys all around Germany.  Some even followed our buses for miles…on foot.  

During one of the shows, there was an accident and Justin slipped on some water on stage and broke his thumb.  It was pretty bad, but the best part was that I got to help nurse him back to help.  But then Justin got a bit annoying, and I wanted to shove his face into an exhaust pipe.  So, I decided to let Mrs. Lynn take the reigns on playing nurse.

Justin and I barely got any alone time.  He was either too busy or we were being babysat by my brother, Lance, or JC.  Even Mike took turns watching us.  To make matters worse, I woke up at the crack of dawn everyday to go with them to interviews.  Which were tidiest and boring.  And all they did was ask the same question over and over again.  Like there were a thousand meanings to the name *Nsync.  But I did get to do a little shopping with Mrs. Lynn, while the guys were doing some of their interviews.

My birthday was pretty awesome.  Turning fifteen in a foreign country was pretty kick-ass.

And then that was it.  Before I knew it, summer was over and I had to go home.  I really wanted to stay, but I couldn’t.  Because I had to go back to school.  I dreaded the fact that I would have to spend weeks away from Justin.  Man how much does my life suck?