“The guy is an asshole.  No, no...it’s under control.  Of course...yeah...oh maybe, how many do you have...”

I yawn and eye the large diamond ring on my finger for the millionth time this week.  I start to question it again...but I guess that’s because it’s new.  It’s too big, I think.  It’s from Cartier but that’s all I know, because I was too overwhelmed to find out the carat weight and what it’s actually worth.  I mean, it’s beautiful, the envy of all my girlfriends.  They said I’ve struck gold but they don’t understand.  I fell in love with Preston before he was ‘the best litigator in Los Angeles’.  He was different then...so different, and when he proposed last week, I saw a small part of that guy I used to know come back.  I thought he would stick around when I said I would marry him too...

But for the moment, he’s gone back into hiding again.

I mean, yeah, I love the guy, but since he’s taken over the firm, he’s started to turn into one of the most arrogant people I know.  Not towards me of course, he knows I wouldn’t put up with that, it’s everybody else he seems to talk down to.  He’s turning into his father, and I hate that, but I’m hoping he’ll snap out of it once we start making wedding plans.

I’ve been dating Preston Harrington for two years.  Most people would agree with him and his family when they say it’s been entirely too long and that we should have been married long ago.  But I was still in college, and he was still learning the tricks of the law business from his father, so we decided to keep our relationship casual until we could really focus on it.  Now that he’s basically taken over his fathers position at Harrington-Myers, and I’ve established a balanced schedule at Five Acres, we’ve been able to spend that quality time together.  He can be a really sweet, loving, passionate guy when you take him away from work and his snobby family.  That’s the guy I love.

That’s the guy I’m going to work hard to keep close to me.

“So Bets, you wanna go to see the Lakers Friday night?”  He snaps the phone closed and shoves it into his jacket pocket before taking a sip of his wine.  “Eric got court side seats and they gave him an extra pair.”

“I guess so.”

“You guess so?” He laughs.  “C’mon, how can you not be excited about Kobe in the flesh?”

“You know that basketball is my least favorite sport, Pres.” I lean in and give him a small kiss on the mouth.  “Why don’t you just go with one of your other friends?”

“Really?”

I smirk slightly.  True, it’s really unlike me to let him go off on his own with the boys on a Friday night.  Honestly though, I could use a night with my girls, and I know that a couple of them will be available.  “I can hang out with Audra and Steph.  It’s not a big deal.”

He squeezes my hand.  “See, this is why I love you.  You can be so easy.  Most of the guys I know wouldn’t dare ask their wives something like that.”

I guess that’s a compliment?

“Thanks?”  I half laugh.  

He kisses me, and pulls back after a while, leaving me breathless as he smiles back at me.  “We should go out to Malibu on Saturday or something...hang out at the beach house.  Maybe have that celebratory engagement sex...”

“Pres.” I swat him.  “We’re in public.”

“I can’t help it.  I’m still excited that you said yes.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t?”

He’s quiet for a moment.  “I don’t know.  Maybe it was just nerves.”

I look down at the menu and think about what was just said.  I mean, he doubted me. Could he really sense it? That I might think twice because he knew he wasn’t the same guy anymore?  Something inside is telling me that if he could realize that about himself, and not admit it to me...that this whole engagement might be a mistake.

“I know work has been a change,” he admits to me.  “A big one with me, personality wise.”

Well, that’s something.

“I just want you to know that I’m not going to turn into an overgrown miser like my father,” he chuckles.  “I’m going to have a good balance between work and home.  I promise.”

“Ah, Mr. Harrington.  Wonderful to see you.”

We both snap out of it, and look toward the voice.  The owner of the restaurant is standing there, smiling at us.  They know each other well.   His father is great friends with him, and so, we usually end up here a couple of nights a week.

“Hey Frank.”  He shakes his hand.  

“I’ve heard all about your engagement.”  He beams more at me this time.  “How wonderful for the both of you.  You must let us cater the reception, of course.”

I open my mouth to tell him we’ll think about it.

“Naturally.” Preston smiles.

Of course.  I mean, even if I did say something, his family would never think of letting anybody else cater our blessed event.  I suddenly begin to wish that we could elope, but the Harringtons, and my parents, would never forgive me, plus the fact that Preston would never do anything to disappoint his mommy and daddy.

Lucques it is.

“The chef is preparing a special meal for you both,” Frank continues.  “Is there anything else you’d like in the meantime?”

“Some more of this wine would be great.”  Preston points to the bottle.  

“I’ll have somebody on that right away.  Congratulations again.”

“Thank you,” I say.

“As always, lovely to see you Betsy.”

He kisses my hand, and walks away.

“I swear he’s a fag.” Preston laughs.

“Oh my God, why don’t you say it louder?”  I roll my eyes.  “He’s always been nice to us.  Who cares what he does after work?”

“He just likes my fathers money.  You know he’s a big investor here.”

“Who doesn’t like your fathers money?”

He just laughs and squeezes my hand again, as he glances at his empty wine glass.  “Where the hell is this wine?”

“I’m sure it’s on the way, Pres. You’re so impatient.”

“I just want what I deserve.  It comes with the territory, Bets.”

I don’t even answer.  It’s asshole Preston at his finest, and right now, I almost want to leave.  Unlike him, I don’t come from money.  Don’t get me wrong, my parents weren’t dirt poor, we were upper middle class I guess, but I was never raised to feel so entitled like him.  At times, it disgusts me, but then...there’s those other times that I love it...living the good life.  Before I met Preston, I never knew the types of things that you could have if you were rich.  I spend my time in fancy cars, high end shops, his family’s huge estate in Beverly Hills, and more recently...I’ve been living in a luxury high rise condo in the Hollywood Hills.  It was a present given to Preston from his father, after he passed the Bar.

But none of that has turned me into a snob, and I guess that’s because when I go to work, I remember how many people are less fortunate than myself.  That’s why I love it, why I would never quit, because there will always be somebody who I can help, and that alone will keep me grounded.

“Finally.”  Preston grunts it as the wine waiter arrives with the fresh bottle for us.  It’s not the same waiter as before though.  No, the other was older, seasoned, knew exactly what to say and where to stand.  This guy is young, probably new, and I know...if Preston is in the mood, he’ll use him as his prey the same as every other time.

I pray he can just pour the wine and get out before that happens.  He looks beyond exhausted, and I’m sure this type of work is no party.

“Sorry about the wait.” The young man forces a smirk and pulls the bottle out of its chiller.  “Had to go down to the wine cellar for it.”

“Well, you could have moved a little faster,” Preston replies.  “I like two glasses before dinner.”

I feel my face grow hot, and I don’t look anywhere else but down at the table.  Really?

Then I hear laughter, but it’s not Preston’s.

Which means my fiance is being laughed at.

I pick my head up to view our new waiter, take a long look at him this time, and I realize...he can’t be much older than us. He’s cute...in a rugged sort of way.  He has slightly untamed curly hair and stubble that he should have probably taken care of before he came to work, but something is telling me that Frank is giving this guy a break. The bags under his blue eyes make him look run down, really tired, and I’m sure he has a lot going on outside of this place, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to take shit from a guy like Preston.

“What’s funny?” Preston snaps.

“Nothing...nothing don’t even worry about it.”  The waiter fills Preston’s glass, then mine.  “Anything else I can do for you tonight?”

“Yeah.”  

Then Preston does the worst thing possible.  He knocks the glass off the table, causing it to shatter all over the floor.  I feel the wine running underneath my shoes, and I try my best to pick my feet up from the floor.  “Pres!” I gasp.

He waves me off.  “Well, what are you waiting for, you idiot?  Clean it up right now.”

The waiter stares him down, giving him the meanest, coldest look I think I’ve ever seen.  It’s with good reason of course, but there’s more to him, I can just tell.  

He just...doesn’t take this kind of treatment, from anybody.

“What the fuck is your problem!” The waiter yells.  “You’re an over entitled, rich piece of shit, you know that?  You fucking clean it.”

Suddenly, the whole place goes silent.

And Preston looks bewildered, shocked, because I don’t think anybody has ever talked to him that way...ever.

Then Frank is rushing over to us again, obviously alerted by someone about the situation, and I know our waiters future looks grim.

“Mr...Mr. Harrington?” Frank gasps, and his eyes shift nervously between myself, Pres, and the waiter.  “What seems to be the problem?”

Preston stands up, brushes himself off slightly, and gives Frank and enraged look.  “I’ll tell you what the problem is! Your waiter knocks over my glass of wine, and THEN he calls me a piece of shit! What the hell kind of place is this turning into....”

He keeps rambling, and I just sit there, taking it all in just like everybody else in the dining room.  Occasionally, my gaze will land on the poor waiter.  He’s standing against the wall, wine bottle in hand, rolling his eyes...just waiting for the inevitable.

“...And I want him fired!” Preston yells.  

“Mr. Harrington, I’m deeply sorry...so deeply sorry.  We’ll comp everything, of course, and I will handle this matter personally.”  Frank glares at our waiter.

He swallows hard.  

“Preston let’s just go,” I say, tugging on my fiances hand, hoping he’ll listen to me and leave before he can cause anymore disruption.  “Please?”

He seems to snap out of his rage and finally looks at me, sighing a little, before giving my hand a squeeze.  “Fine.”

I pull him away by the hand, catching Frank’s voice as the doors are opened for us.  He’s angry, didn’t bother to take his employee behind closed doors to crucify him.

“You’re fired, Justin!”

My heart sinks, but I don’t look back, and when we get outside, it takes everything inside of me not to start screaming at my fiance before the valet arrives with his car.

“What the hell, Preston!”  

He gets in on the drivers side, and the valet closes the door for him.  “What the hell? What do you mean? Did you hear what he called me?”

“You provoked him.”  

“He’s vermin.  He’ll find another job scrubbing the scum out of a public toilet, and that’s where he belongs.  Honestly, I’m appalled that Frank would stoop that low and hire somebody like that.  I can’t wait to tell Dad...”

He continues to ramble on about it all, and just I cross my arms and look out the window.  Oddly enough, I’m just in time to see that same young waiter, being thrown out of the restaurant by a couple of burly looking kitchen staff members.  He yells at them, and they push him forcefully away from them, almost into the street, before going back inside.

“That’s the last time I fucking go there,” I hear Preston say.

I don’t even say anything.  I can’t.  The only thing I can do is stare at that poor guy, as he sits down on the sidewalk and puts his head in his hands, like the whole world has just collapsed around him.

And I feel so responsible for everything that’s just happened.  I mean, it’s not his fault.  He’s not timid, his pride got in the way, even thought it wasn’t supposed to.  But if Preston hadn’t pulled his stupid shit, that guy would still have a job, and I’m sure he needs it.  Part of me wishes I could get out of the car, go beg Frank to let the guy have his job back.

But the other part, the part that is loyal to Preston and our lifestyle won’t allow it, and as my fiances drives us further and further away from the restaurant and the rest of downtown Hollywood, I know the young waiter’s misfortune is something I’ll have to live with, and try to forget about, somehow.  I should probably get used these episodes though, because this is what comes with marrying Preston Harrington.  His hobby is making people feel smaller than him, weaker than him.

And that will never change.

“Stop biting your nails.”

But I can’t.

This is it.  The day I was working my ass off to prepare for.  Now it doesn’t even matter, because I’m currently unemployed thanks to a self righteous asshole that couldn’t have cared less what happened to me.  I had a shot.  My boss was willing to give me a test run that night, let me serve some elite’s their wine, and I was excited...until all hell broke loose.

I wish I could find that guy, because I’d kill him.  I would.

He’s probably the one person that’s going to keep me from my daughter.

“I’m going to lose her forever.  She’ll probably term my rights today.”

“You have that interview tomorrow.  She’ll have to cut you some slack.  You can’t help that some asshole decided to play around with you and get you fired.”

“If I hadn’t lost my temper...”

“It was a little extreme, J,” Trace laughs.  “I probably would have done the same thing.”

He makes excuses because he’s my best friend, but I know the truth.  The truth is I should have held my tongue, just cleaned up the mess and gone back to work because I’m positive I would still have a job right now if I did, and if I had a job, I would be getting my supervised visitation back today.  

Now it’s like...fuck, I’m right back where I started, at rock bottom.

It’s not fair, makes me want to shove a needle in my arm and forget...

But know I can’t.  I can’t turn back.

“Justin, they’re ready for you.”

My social worker smiles as she opens the door for us, and Trace nudges me out of my seat when I don’t move a muscle.  I stand up, stare straight ahead for a few moments, seeing the empty courtroom just waiting for me.

Waiting to shut me down like it has so many times before.

“Come on, lets get this done.”  Trace puts his hand on my shoulder and gently guides me forward.

Then I’m in the courtroom, and my social worker instructs me to sit down next to her at the table beyond the courtroom benches.  I do it silently, slug down two glasses of water, and look back over my shoulder at Trace, who forces a smile and mouths ‘good luck’ to me.

I know I’m alone, and it’s up to me to convince this judge that I’m not a bad person...that I deserve to see my daughter again.

One little slip...one fucking arrogant asshole could cost me this whole thing, and that’s ridiculous.  Nobody should be able to shut me down like that guy did at the restaurant, and if Frank would have given me ten minutes to explain the situation, I’m sure he would have understood why I lost my temper.

His clients money was a lot more important than my personal life though.  I guess I should understand.  If I had a business, and my employee called a client a piece of shit, I probably wouldn’t tolerate it either, but it’s like fuck...that guy was just out to get me, get anybody that he could just because he had money.

I wasn’t going to put up with that, after everything else life had dealt me.

When they tossed me out of the restaurant, I saw him sitting in his flashy car too, all cozy with his girlfriend.  I felt like a piece of shit then, but I guess...that was probably his intent.  She was staring at me too...the girlfriend.  It was like she was sorry I had to go through all of that, but...she didn’t try to defend me.  So in reality, she’s as guilty as her asshole of a boyfriend.

Those elite Hollywood people are all the same.  You can’t trust them, because they’ll stab you in the back or make you look like an asshole just to get a laugh.

My probation officer got me a job interview a couple of days after I was fired.  He was disappointed that I lost my cool, but like Trace, he understood and said what happened to me wasn’t fair.  He was prepared to call and grovel to get my job back, but I told him I didn’t want it back.  Too much bad blood isn’t good in the workplace, and I told him that.  I also told him I would take any job he could get me, and so, he found an opening with a painting company.  They go around to businesses and homes and paint the exteriors and interiors.  I can do that...I know I can.

But they have to give me the job first, and as of today, I can’t guarantee that they will.

“I tried to clean up as much of that restaurant episode as I could so it would look decent on paper,” Tammy, my social worker, whispers while we wait for the judge to come out.  

“How clean did you get it?”

“I...did my best.”

I sigh, look down at my lap.  I know that means things don’t look good for me, but I can’t blame her.  I know she tries hard, because she likes me...for whatever reason.  “Thanks for trying.”

“She might give you a break, Justin.  Don’t lose hope yet.”

“She hates me,” I laugh.  “She’s always hated me.”

“You’re not the same arrogant kid you were a few years ago,” she reminds me.  “I’ve seen the change in you, and I made note of it in your case file.  She has to take that into account.  At this juncture I don’t see why you shouldn’t be granted supervised visitation.  You’re making an effort to change yourself...you’ve just had some bad luck, that’s all.”

“Really bad luck.”

“Whatever the outcome, we’ll work on your interview presentation over dinner, deal?  Getting that job means one step closer to seeing Ava if the judge won’t grant you visitation today.”

I sigh.

“Justin.”

“Yeah...fine we can go over it.”

She pats my shoulder.  I’m not reassured at all.  

“Just don’t swear at her like you did the last time around.”

I chuckle.  That was a bad decision, but the bitch deserved it.

“All rise.”

I think it’s so stupid that we have to do it, because there’s five of us here.  The court reporter, me, Tammy, Trace, and the child welfare worker who is just determined to keep me from my daughter.  I hate her, even though I’ve never met her before.  There’s a different one every time.  They never know me, and I really don’t think that’s fair.  I think in order to stand there and tell a judge that someone is unfit to parent, you should at least have coffee with them beforehand.  When you have coffee with somebody, you can find out what they’re all about in about an hour.  Of course, the state of California doesn’t believe in things like that.

“The honorable Judge Shaller presiding.”

She takes a seat on her high throne, and stares me down through her thin spectacles.  She reminds me of my ninth grade history teacher.  Strict, and bitchy, for no reason at all.  If I got close to her, I’m sure she would smell like chalk and coffee too...but I’ll keep my distance.

I might strangle her otherwise.

“Be seated.”

We all do it, and I watch her intently as she opens a folder on her desk that I just know is full of my life’s history, and my current situation.

“Well, Mr. Timberlake,” she sighs and shows me a tight smile as she looks up from the folder.  “We meet again.”

I just nod, but Tammy nudges me, and forces me to speak up.  “Yes, ma’am.”

She looks back down at the file again, and shakes her head slightly.  “You’ve been slipping up again, I see.  Freshly unemployed, and still without a permanent residence.”

“The job wasn’t...”

But she silences me.  “I’ll let Ms. Collins take the floor first, then your social worker can say her piece.”

I cross my arms, frustrated as I lean back in my chair.

“Relax,” Tammy whispers.

But I can’t.  It’s so fucking unfair.  I just want to yell, scream, do something to stop what I know is about to happen.

“Thank you judge.”

I look up to see who is about to tear me apart.

And I just...I just can’t believe it.

It’s like a slap in the damn face, and all I want to do is get the hell out of here.

“The minor currently resides at Five Acres Center for Children.  Since her induction, she’s been attending classes regularly, and her grade point average has increased fifty percent.  The state has found it is in her best interest to remain at the facility rather than a foster home, until a suitable adoptive family is located.  She has been very social, talkative, and happy in general compared to her past mental state.  We do not feel it is in the best interest of the child, to reintroduce her father into her life during this mentally fragile developmental stage.”

My jaw drops open, and I begin to tug furiously at Tammy’s arm.  “You never said anything about adoption!”  I almost yell it, but stop myself.  “What the hell...Tammy!”

“Just wait a minute,” she grits out.  

I rub my face with my hands.  Honestly, I never thought it would come down to this.  How can they just...just try to give my kid away without my consent?

Oh yeah, because I barely have any rights to her anymore.  Once they strip your kid away from you, that’s it.  You have no say, just gotta hope that they’ll have some compassion.

But they don’t give a damn about me, and Ms. Collins over there? Yeah, she’s just some arrogant rich bitch who’s boyfriend got me fired.  

Damn, it’s like, I can really say it’s her fault that we’re here like this.

God, I want to rip her apart.  I wish like hell that I could.

“Are there any prospective families at this time?” The judge asks.

“We’ve found several couples who have fallen in love with Ava.  The state only needs your consent to get the paperwork started, your honor.  Complete termination of parental rights is requested at this time.”

I hold my breath, waiting for her to say‘granted’, and end my life right here and now.

“Miss Sommers,” the judge nods at Tammy.

Now it’s her turn, and I’m hoping like hell that she earns her paycheck today.

“Judge, I’d like to focus not on the current situation with Mr. Timberlake, but on his file as a whole.  Since his release from prison, he has submitted himself to therapy, gotten a sponsor, and remained sober.  As we all know, the job market isn’t what it used to be, especially for ex prisoners.  While Mr. Timberlake may not have a job at the moment, he did hold down one at a local restaurant for six months while trying his best to seek other work.  He has become a model citizen, and I truly feel that he should be able to have supervised visitation reinstated, if nothing else, at this time.”

I look over at that Collins Chick.  She’s not looking at me, just at her notes, smiling pleasantly to herself as if she’s already got this thing won.  

“You seem to forget, Miss Sommers, that your client also verbally bashed an innocent customer at that restaurant, possibly destroying the owners reputation for quite some time.  What type of example is that for a child?”

“Again, we are not asking for reinstated custody, just supervised visitation.  Mr. Timberlake has not slipped back into narcotics, and I think for that he should be granted some compassion.”

The judge just sighs, and sits back in her chair.

I feel eyes boring into my head now, and when I look over...I find that the Collins Chick is looking at me now, her eyes wide.

And I know she remembers me now.

“Look, can I say something?”

Everybody looks towards the back of the courtroom.  Trace is standing up now, hands shoved in his pockets, making an attempt to defend me.  Only, nobody is going to listen, but I smile at him anyway, because he’s the only person in this room who actually gives a damn what happens today.

“Who are you?” The judge says.

“I’m Justin’s sponsor.  I just want you to know that Justin really is trying, and I wouldn’t just say that.  The only reason he got fired from that restaurant is because some arrogant idiot decided to mess with him.  So he lost it? So what? We all do!  I would have done the same thing!  You know, you take his kid, and you expect him to do miracles.  Give the guy a break.  He can’t always be mentally stable.”

Tammy smacks her forehead.

I’m done for.  Trace, God love him, he’s not the best public speaker.

“I mean...I mean he is...mentally stable, most of the time.  It’s just sometimes...you know...”

“Trace...stop...it.”  Tammy hisses.

He just nods quickly, and sits back down.  I turn back around again to face the judge soon after, and watch her intently as she sits in her chair and continues to look at my file.

“Well, since we’ve heard from everyone else...Mr. Timberlake, do you have anything to say?” She finally asks.

Well shit, she’s never done this before, and I’m completely unprepared.  I rack my mind for the right words, anything I can say that will prove I love my daughter, and I’m capable of taking care of her.

“Justin.” Tammy whispers, nudging me again.  “Say something.”

“I...um...” I lick my lips.  “I guess I agree with Tammy and Trace, and...not because it’s what you want to hear.  I mean, I’m sober.  I’m sober for the first time since I was seventeen, and I don’t really think you can understand how amazing that feels but...it does.  I’m a different person now.  I just need a chance here, your honor.  It may not seem like it to you but I do love my daughter, but nobody seems to want me to be around her at all.  I’m really sorry that I fucked up.  I mean, it happens, you know? But I’d like another chance at this, before you just...hand her over to some strangers.”

Silence.

I sit back down.

“That was good,” I hear Tammy say.

I can’t even look at her, though.  I’m too scared.  Scared that the judge will just scatter my pleas to the wind just like Miss Collins over there.

Stupid bitch.

The judge takes her time, ponders what I’ve said for a long time, before saying anything more. Then she sits straight up in her chair like I’ve seen her do so many time before, and I know...

I know she’s made a decision.

“You’ve had faults, Mr. Timberlake, that’s a given, and your living situation at this time, is unsatisfactory in this courts eyes.  That said, I do not see a reason to terminate your parental rights at this time.  I am willing to reinstate the supervised visitation for six months, as long as you abide by the following.  You must seek out and find a stable job within that time frame, as well as obtain suitable living conditions.  If these conditions are met, I will consider allowing you back full custody of the minor in question pending a formal hearing on the matter.  However, if these conditions are not met, I will be forced to hand over full custody of the minor to the state, and terminate your parental rights.  Are we clear?”

“Yes...yes...” I trail off and suck in a long breath, so I don’t start sobbing like a fool.  “Thank you...thank you so much.”

“Adjourned.”  She slams her gavel down, smirks at me very quickly, and then walks out of the courtroom.

Tammy shrieks and I get up and hug her tight.  I can’t believe it.  Just like that...even after the Collins Chick stood there and berated me to high heaven, the judge decided to give me a break.  A short one of course.  I mean, I have to work hard the next six months...but I can do it...

Ava will get me through it, make me stronger.

I can’t wait to see her.  Fuck, I need a new outfit...gotta get her something too.

“See! I knew it would work out buddy!” Trace grins as he steps up to me and throws his arms around me in a celebratory hug.  “We did it!”

“Yeah, no thanks to you...Justin's mentally unstable,” I laugh.  “Idiot.”

“Hey I think it might have made you look saner when you spoke.  You sounded good...real intellectual and shit.”

“Trace, next hearing you’re waiting outside,” Tammy laughs.

“Congratulations, Mr. Timberlake.”

The three of turn to face her...Collins Chick.  I can tell she’s pissed that her plans for my kid were spoiled...but as for me, I haven’t smiled this much in a long time.

“Karma’s a bitch I guess,” I say to her.  “How’s your prick boyfriend?”

Trace and Tammy look at me, completely bewildered.

She scowls at me.  “Your first visit is Saturday.  I’ll be out front of your home at eight sharp.  If you’re late, I’ll report it.”

She storms away.

I look at Tammy.  “What’s she talking about?”

“Well..she has to escort you.  She’s going to be supervising those visits.  It’s her job.  And by the way, you better be explaining that comment you just made to her, or I really will kill you.”

“That goes for me too,” Trace says.

Fucking great.  Just when I thought things were going to be fine, that I was getting my little girl back and I’d be back on my feet in no time...

Now I have to deal with the Collins Chick from hell, and it’s so fucking surreal.  I mean what the hell are the odds?

I guess nothing can ever be perfect, no matter how hard you try.

It’s been a long time since I’ve showed my warm side to a biological parent.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been in the child welfare system for so long, gotten a warped perception of the people I get into custody battles with, because, as much as I hate to say it, ninety percent of them are losers who will never change their ways.  It took me all of five minutes after I dropped Justin back home to realize that he wasn’t the washed up loser I’d made him out to be that day in the courtroom.  Granted, I dealt with a lot of people that didn’t care about their kids, and by the looks of him, I never thought he stood out from the rest.  But, after watching him play with his daughter for a few hours, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something about Justin that I liked.

It was something I couldn’t put my finger on or analyze, and it gave me a wake up call.  It made me want to go easy on him, if I could, because a little voice inside of me was begging me to give the guy a break.  It told me that’d he’d been through more than I could imagine, and still was.

Sure he’s a little vulgar, very rough around the edges, but that’s to be expected.  He was on drugs, and in prison for a couple of years. I know that can change a person, make them hardened, feel alienated by the rest of the world the moment they’re clean and released.  He doesn’t have a lot of people on his side right now, and it makes him bitter.  I’m sure I haven’t been helping his mood either, but I’m brutally honest when it comes to taking care of the kids.  It’s my job to be, and I guess I might care about Ava a little more than the rest.  

After spending part of my day with him, I realized that he wasn’t a bad guy.  He cared about his daughter, and was trying to get ahead...build a future for them, only he didn’t seem to have the slightest idea how to start.  I tried to give him some good advice that could give him a head start, but I have no idea if he took it seriously.  I wish I could help him more than that too, but with all the cases I have piled up on my desk, and a wedding to plan, there’s no time for that.

I just hope he can get his act together before his six month ultimatum comes to a close.  Ava deserves her father back in her life, if at all possible, and I guess I feel bad about underestimating her feelings for him.

I underestimate a lot of things, so it seems.

“So, we’ve booked the reception at the Beverly Hills Hotel for the third weekend of July.  They want you to come for a tour next week, and the wedding coordinator will meet with us there, so you can meet her then. How does that sound?

Eloping sounds better.  Now I’m going to be stuck in fancy ballroom, with high heels from hell, surrounded by six hundred of my fiancee's nauseating family and friends.  Since they’ve offered to foot the whole bill though to “save my parents some hardship,” I guess I don’t have a say in anything.  They offered to help with the wedding too, my parents, but the venue options I showed Sandra last week, gave her this ‘not over my dead body’ expression.  A few days later she called my mother and told her that she and Eli wanted to pay for the reception, and that was that.

I smile at my future mother in law, and take a delicate bite of my salad.  “That sounds wonderful, Sandra.  Thank you.”

“Have you started your guest list at all?”

“Well, my mom and I started it over the phone, but she and my father want to take a long weekend, come out here, and get some more things done, and of course see you and Eli.”

“Oh how wonderful!  We’ll set up the guest house, make a real occasion out of it, right darling?”

“Mm.”  Eli grunts and clears his throat, but doesn’t look up from his Wall Street Journal as he takes another gulp of his coffee.

I’ve never had a real sit down conversation with the man.  Every time I’ve been around him, he’s always been in the middle of a call, or reading the paper.  When Preston sat both his parents down to tell them about the engagement, the only thing Eli wanted to know was if we could schedule the wedding date around his court dates.

I try to like him.  I do...but it’s so hard, and I pray to God that my fiance doesn’t turn out like him in ten or fifteen years.  I don’t know how Sandra puts up with it, but considering she’s always dressed head to toe in the latest fashions, I really don’t think she cares how busy her husband is.  She’s materialistic, loves to host luncheons and benefits with her gaggle of girlfriends, and is content that way.  I guess that’s fine, because Eli doesn’t seem like the type of man who would put up with a nagging wife for very long.  

“Hey, sorry I’m late.”  Preston rushes out to the veranda where we’ve been sitting having brunch, and kisses me quickly as he takes a seat next to me.  “James was on the phone.”

“What’d he have to say?”

It’s the first time Eli has joined the conversation today.

“Well, you know that big case looming in Chicago?  The one we talked about?”

“Of course.”

Preston smiles proudly and sits up taller for his father.  “They wants us to represent their corporation.”

“Wonderful son!”  Eli reaches across the table and gives his son a hearty pat on the arm.  “See what a little networking can do for your career?  I’m glad you made that call.  When do you start pre trial?”

“I have to fly out, end of next week.”  He stretches his arms out, smiles at me lovingly and drapes one of them over my shoulder.  “There’s no telling how long I’ll be away for before the wedding, but, I should be able to get away on the weekends before that”

I stare at him now.  Honestly, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t brought up what’s been going on at his job, but now...now he’s just going to go away on business for God knows how long when we have a wedding to plan?  “Pres...”

“We’ll talk about it later, baby,” he whispers it like it’s not a big deal, and kisses my cheek, as a plate of food is brought out for him, and he immediately digs in.

“Oh, it won’t be so bad, dear,” Sandra tries to reassure me in her superficially sweet tone.  “You’ll be able to have more time to plan the wedding with this one out of your hair for a few weeks.  Eli, you were away on business up until the week of our wedding, weren’t you?”

He straightens his paper.  “Mhm.”

I force a smile, but can barely look her in the eye.  The fact that Preston didn’t tell me there was a possibility he would have to go away on business is bugging the hell out of me.  I mean, he was annoyed that I decided to take an extra shift on Saturdays, and now he’s going to be gone for weeks?

I just don’t get it.

It’s like, my job is vapor and his career is more important than making wedding plans.  I look at my diamond again...what it means, if he really cares, or if he’s just getting married because it’s what his parents want.

“May I be excused?”

Preston stops chewing and stares at me.

“Of course,” Sandra smiles.

Eli doesn’t acknowledge that I exist, and I take it as my cue to get up, and go back inside the house.  I walk through the large sitting room, and through the grand foyer, before reaching the immaculate french doors.  They’re opened for me by one of the maids, and I nod at her appreciatively as I step outside.  The large circular driveway looms before me, and I see my car parked there, waiting for me.  I debate just taking off...I’m really that angry right now.

It’s like he doesn’t even care.

“Bets.”

I turn slightly, see him standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets.  The look on his face is telling me he feels shitty, and that’s my Preston.  The version I fell in love with, not the one who was just inside talking to his father.  “What?”

“Look.”  He steps forward after a moment, and sighs.  “I was going to tell you.”

“When?” I cross my arms and glare at him.  “The night before you flew out?”

“This is a big deal, Betsy.  It’s national news, and...it’s going to do a lot for the firm, and for us.  I have to do this.”

“And in the meantime...what? I’m just going to plan our wedding without you?”

He laughs.  “Bets, you know I don’t care about all that frilly shit.  Whatever you want, that’s fine.”

“I’m glad our wedding is just a bunch of frilly shit to you.”

He steps up to me, and pulls me closer to him.  I’d love to pull away, leave, but I just...I can’t.  When I stare into those eyes, and watch him smile as he takes in every part of me, I fall in love all over again.  That guy I fell in love with is there, in some form, and I can’t help but kiss him back when he presses his lips to mine.

“I love you Betsy.  You know I love you more than anything else, right?”

“Is that why you want to marry me?”

His brow furrows.  “Of course it is.  Why would you even question that?”

I shrug.  “I just...I just want to make sure this is what you really want, Preston.  Once we say our vows, that’s it.  I don’t want to end up like your parents.  Nothing against them, but I feel like they barely have a relationship.”

“You’re right,” he chuckles.  “But I’m not my father, Bets.  I don’t read the Wall Street Journal at the table, and I’d like to think you and I have things we can talk about when we’re alone.  My mother...she just, she’s not like you, you know?  There’s no depth to her...but that’s what my dad likes.  He’d rather not have to worry about what’s going on with her.  When they got married, things were different.  He came from a prominent family and so did she.  They were practically married from the moment they were born.”

I just nod.  Everything he’s saying sounds great, and I know he’s trying really hard to convince me we’re making the right choice.  It’s not everyday he gets so deep like this.  When we were a little younger he used to, but lately, that part of him has been showing itself less and less.  

“It could take about two months, depending on how smooth the trial goes.  The first couple of weeks will be rough, but after that I should get weekends off to come home.”  He strokes my face and hair while looking at me seriously.  “You’re in the middle of stuff at work anyway, so this might be for the best.  Please don’t be angry, Bets.  I promise, after this...we’ll have the wedding, and I’ll be all yours.”

I press my forehead against his.  “I guess sometimes I just think that I’m going to lose this part of you.”

“What part of me?” He laughs, and checks himself over.  “I’m here.”

I nudge him slightly.  “The down to earth part,” I smile.

“Oh so my ego is finally coming between us?”

“Maybe...a little bit.”

“You can just smack me when I’m getting like that, you know.  I’ll understand.”

“I’d hate to bruise this face.” I allow my smile to come back finally.  “Maybe I’ll just wear a chastity belt until we get married.”

“You wouldn’t.  That would just be wrong...on so many levels, Bets.”

“You wanna try me?  I can be pretty stubborn when I want to be.”

He pulls me back to him, smiles, and kisses me once more.  It’s different this time though.  It’s what I remember from years past, when his whole heart was focused on us instead of a career.  “You wanna get out of here?”

I stare at him, amazed.  “You’re going to ditch Sunday brunch?  What will Sandra think?”

He smirks.  “I think she’ll get over it.”

I laugh as he pulls me along, and guides me over to the car, making sure to kiss me passionately before opening the passenger door and gently guiding me down into the seat of his convertible.  It’s been months since he’s done anything like this...being sporadic with me, and I guess he’s doing his best to make up for his upcoming business trip.

But I can’t deny that it’s working.

“I guess I could do some volunteer stuff to keep me busy,” I say after we peel out of his parents estate.  “There’s some soup kitchens that have been begging for extra help.”

He squeezes my thigh and shifts gears.  “I don’t know where you get all this good samaritan stuff from.  If I ever run for president, I guess you’ll fit right into the first lady category.  Maybe that’s good, right?”

“You for president?” I laugh.  “Never happening.”

“I’d get in on my boyish good looks.”

“You’re such a nerd.”  I sigh and lean against him as he throws is free arm around me.  “I guess you can’t help who you love, though.”

“So you’re stuck with me?”  I feel his lips land on my head.  

“I guess so.”

“That’s great...because I don’t know what I’d do without you, Betsy.”

I look up at him then, and I know he’s being serious.  Something is telling me he got scared before, knew I was mad and that I could possibly call this whole thing off if I really wanted to.  “I’m right here, Pres.”

“Yeah but...you know, half the guys I work with are divorced.  I don’t want that for us.”

“Then be here for us,” I say.

“I plan to be.”

But there’s a hint of uncertainty in his voice, and I quickly remember why I was annoyed with him in the first place.  The truth is, he’s scared too, he’s scared about what will happen once we’re married and if he’ll be able to be that husband that I want him to be.  Only, he won’t come right out and say it.  He can’t, because that’s not how he is.  I don’t push the subject though.  I savor the moment, and the rest of the day, because I don’t know when we’ll get to do this again.  I let him take me to all the places around town that I love, and force myself to talk about anything else with him besides the wedding and his job.  It’s relaxing, fun, and by the time we get back to our place, I’m all lit up inside as he holds me in his arms and guides me into the bedroom for another night of passion.

I don’t want to let him go.  God, I don’t.  But I know come tomorrow, he’s going to go back to work, and all too quickly the special times we shared today will be pushed to the back of his mind.  Then he’ll leave for Chicago, and I’ll be here...alone.  It’ll be a test for us, perhaps a good one, that will show me how life will be after we get married and he gets deeper into his career.

I just hope I can hack it.  Because he really is the love of my life.

 “I can’t help that I don’t have the hours,” he sighs and looks back down at his paperwork.  “The work just isn’t there this week.  I promise, I’ll let you know if I get a job.”

“What am I supposed to do until then?”

“I...” He pauses and sighs.  “I’m not real sure, Justin.  It’s not my problem, and I’m sorry.”

It’s never his problem.  Never anybodies problem.  It was real easy for him to give me the job, because he could afford it two weeks ago.  Now he’s finding that work is slowing down, and instead of finding something else for me to do around the office, he’s decided letting me go is a better option.  Is that even legal?  I guess so.  “Great. Thanks.”  I slide out of the chair and storm away from him, praying he’ll tell me to stop, that he can figure something out.

But he doesn’t.  He just lets me go, and when I get back onto the sidewalk, I realize that I’m once again unemployed, on top of being homeless.

This is bad, and when I start to cough again, I know things are going to get much worse.  My last visit with Ava, I was able to hide the fact that I was doing so horribly, but this week...I just don’t know if I’ll be able to pull it off.  It’s rained the last couple of nights, and as much as I’ve tried to shield myself from the elements, it hasn’t really helped much.  I bought a cheap tent when I was given my first weeks pay, but the wind has already taken it’s toll on the thing.  The water seeps in through the top, and drips down on me while I try to sleep.  I know I’m only going to get sicker if I don’t find some civilized means of shelter, but every shelter I’ve gone to has been full, or only accepting women and children

It’s like someone up there is against me.

Sometimes, I hate God.

I had all of my stuff packed a week after Kate gave me the deadline, and even though Trace told me to wait and stay until my two weeks were up, I told him I couldn’t handle being in the same house with his wife anymore.  He didn’t ask questions, of course.  He knew how I felt about her, so instead of creating more bad blood between us, he offered to bring me to lunch and see me on my way, casually slipping me a hundred dollars because he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.  I told him my mom was going to let me stay with her for a few days, because I couldn’t handle the guilty expression on his face as I got out of his car that day, or that fact that I didn’t know when I would see him next.

But what I told him, was so far from the truth.

“Justin, you know I would let you if I could,” she told me, when I called her a few days prior, out of desperation.  “But you know how things are, and how Craig feels.”

I knew how things were.  Of course I did.  As much as she loved me, because I was her son, there was a still a big part of her that couldn’t trust me, and that went double for Craig.  The truth was, when I had been living with her, I did a lot of underhanded things so I could get my drugs.  I would steal money out of her purse, and sell things that I knew meant a great deal to her.  My grandparents wedding bands, her best jewelry, china, silver...anything I could.  It was when I decided to start stealing Craig’s stuff that he finally put his foot down.  He had me arrested, and it was the first time I ever spent more than a month in a prison cell.  You would think that would have taught me a lesson, but I was too arrogant to learn from my mistakes.  When I got out, I went back home, but the two of them told me I wasn’t welcome.   That’s when I went out into the world, alone.  I continued to use drugs, made a baby, and wound up in prison again, losing my daughter because of it.

“But mom...I...I have no place else to go.  I’m clean now.  I swear to God.”

I heard her sigh heavily, then sob a little, and I clung to the phone tightly as I leaned my head against the glass wall of the phone booth.  I knew she didn’t want to tell me no, that it was one of the hardest things she had to do, but I also knew that she wasn’t going to help me either.  

“I’m sorry, Justin.”

“So am I.”

Then I hung up.

I decided to make due, because I had no other choice.  I worked, I bought a tent, and eventually found a semi-safe spot to set up camp under an old underpass.  There are a few other guys there, and after talking with them a bit, they said I was welcome to share their space.  They do a fire at night sometimes, when they can find things to burn, but mostly...we keep to ourselves and stay in our tents at night, trying to keep warm.  It’s barbaric and sick that in a country like America, people are still forced to live this way.  I have no idea how I’ve been able to keep my current situation from Collins, either.  She hasn’t caught on I guess, because I’ve been able to change my clothes, and shower at the YMCA.  It’s been good, she’s seemed to warm up to me a little more each weekend that I go visit Ava.  Last weekend I said something, can’t remember what, but she actually laughed.  It reminded me that she had a personality, and a really...nice smile.

I pray that I can keep things going like this, find a job and a real place to live before I’m caught in a lie.  I know that...it would destroy everything I’ve worked for up until this point, and things are so great between me and Ava right now.  We have a real connection again, just like before...when I wasn’t high anyway.

I can’t lose that.

Because I’ll lose myself.

I go to the check cashing place on my way back to the underpass, and cash the tiny paycheck I was given today.  My final pay.  130 dollars for fifteen hours worth of work.  It’ll last me a week, maybe more if I really stretch my money.  I wish like hell I could stay in a motel, just for tonight.  But it’s either that or starve, and I’d rather not go hungry if I can help it.  I shove the money in my sock, and decide to make my way to the homeless shelter, to see if I can get in for dinner, and possibly a bed.

“We can give you a spot at supper, but we’re full for the night,” The man sighs as he flips through his occupancy list.  “You should try to get here in the morning, you’ll have a better chance at getting a bed.”

I nod, but don’t say anything else as he lets me walk past him and into the warm cafeteria.  My stomach is growling, and I can’t even think about anything else.  I didn’t eat last night...no room for me at supper, so I’m thankful to be getting a meal.  I grab a plate and silverware before jumping into line with the thirty or so other people that got here before me.  I can smell soup...chicken soup, and my mouth begins to water.

Fuck.  I feel like such a transient right now.

And I start to cough again, making sure to cover my mouth when I spot the two young kids in front of me, clinging to their mothers waist.  They look absolutely famished.  They’re dirty, tired, ragged from the elements.  The girl reminds me of how Ava used to look when I had her, and immediately my stomach begins to hurt, so I have to look away.  Then the line starts to move again, and I’ve never been so thankful for anything.

“Hey little ones,” I hear a woman’s voice say gently as I stare at the soup looming a few feet away from me.  “If you want some more tonight, you just come and find me okay?”

I hear their mother thanking her profusely, and it gets me to smile, look up at the compassionate woman who is trying to help those kids the best she can.

And I really, really wish I hadn’t.

Collins is standing behind the counter, smiling at the two kids and their mother as she hands them their dinner, and I know she hasn’t seen me yet.

Fuck.

I eye the soup, then her, then the soup, and decide to pull my ball cap down low over my eyes and hope that she won’t pay enough attention to me as I move through the line.  I do it silently.

“Hey there, how are you doing tonight?”

I just hold out my bowl and don’t make eye contact with her.  Then I hear the ladle hit the bottom of my bowl, and start to think that I’m off the hook.  I walk away.

“Wait a second.”

I pause, flinch.  

Damn it.

“You dropped your gloves,” she says brightly from behind me.

Crap.  My work gloves were in my back pocket.  “Don’t worry about them.”

“Well you must need them, right?”

Then she walks around to the front of me, smiling at first, but after getting a good look at my face, her expression falls into a confused glare.  “Justin?”

I brush past her.

“Don’t you....don’t you walk away from me!”

I feel her hand on my shoulder when I reach a nearby table, and I gently place my food down before letting out a harsh sigh and turning to face her.  “What, Collins? Gonna report me for trying to get some food?”  I plop down at the table and start shoving the soup into my face before she has a chance to stop me.

But she doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just stares and then takes a seat across from me.  “What about your paycheck?”r32;
I shrug.  “Bills.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I can just hear her eyes narrowing.
“I can’t eat Trace’s food.  It’s just not fair, so I come here sometimes, that’s all.”

“I volunteer here a lot and I’ve never seen you here before.  Did you get kicked out?”

How can she just...sense this shit? I don’t get it, and it’s getting on my very last nerve.  “No.”  I say it serious enough to be believable, and make sure to look in her in the eye.

“So if I go ask Trace he’ll confirm that, right?”

“Of course.”

I make a mental note to have Trace lie for me.

“Because if he lied to me I could have him arrested.”

I just stare.

“You look sick,” she tells me next.  “Justin...”r32;
“Look...I’m not lying to you, Collins.”  I drop my spoon into my empty bowl and get up harshly.  “I’ll see you Saturday, like always.”

“At least let me take you home.”

I wave her off.  “I got it.”

“Justin!”

I blow out the door, and start to run, taking a million different turns to make certain she can’t follow me.  After a while I find an empty alley to duck into, and I lean over, clutching the stitch in my side, looking over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure she’s not there.  

I’m alone, for now, but I have no idea how long I can keep this up or where the hell I even am.

The coughing starts again, and I slide down to the ground, clutching my legs tightly to my chest as I stare up at the sky, praying that things start to get easier soon.

“Well...what do we have here guys?”

I hear snickers following the deep, cold voice, and I shudder a little as I finally look towards it.  Men.  Four of them, looming above me.  I can tell right away that they’re all much bigger than me, and since I’m sick as a dog, I know hell will freeze over before I’ll be able to fight them off.  “I was just leaving,” I say, pathetically.

“You realize that you have to pay to hang out on our territory, don’t you street rat?”
The leader type says it, crouching down to meet my level, pinning me against the brick wall when I try to stand up.  I try to make out his face, but the moonlight is completely blocked out by his posse, and all I can see is the outline of a hooded sweatshirt, and deep black nothing.  “I...I don’t have anything.”

“Search him.”

In a flash, I’m kicked in the gut and pressed face first into the cement.  I groan and struggle, but it’s useless.  My arms are pinned behind me as one of them sticks his hands in the pockets of my jeans and sweatshirt.  I pray to God these guys aren’t smart enough to look in my socks...

But then my sneakers are yanked off, and when I feel the cool air hit my bare feet I know they’re going to find the rest of my money.  The only money I have.

“Well...looks like you do have something after all,” the leader laughs as my money is pulled free from my sock.  “Why’d you lie?”

I don’t say a word.

“Show him what happens to lying scum.”

I’m yanked to my feet, held up by two of the men as another stands in front of me, cracking his knuckles.  I’m shaking so hard, I couldn’t call out for help if I wanted to.

“Don’t let me find you snooping around here again.”

The leader walks away.

Then everything is a blur, a whirlwind of frightened, desperate cries and indescribable pain.  The man must kick and punch me in every single accessible place on my body.  I feel a rib, maybe two, crack, and my left leg is completely numb when they finally drop me down onto the pavement again.  I can’t move, just groan, and cough harshly when I’m kicked in the stomach one last time.

“Better learn your lesson, vermin.”

I lie so still, for such a long time. I know I’m sobbing, but I don’t care.  I’m too scared to care, and in entirely too much pain.  Then I finally realize they’re gone, and I try to move, to crawl, anything, but my leg...I just know it’s broken.  I let out a harsher moan, cry out for help, but nobody hears me.  Nobody cares.

I’ll probably die here.

But maybe the world....and Ava, will be better off that way.

With all of that in mind, my world goes dark.

“How’s Mr. Personality?”

“His name is Preston.”

“I’ll call that candy ass whatever I want.  The guy can’t even remember my name.  Remember the last time? He called me Clarence...fucking Clarence, Betsy.  Do I look like a Clarence to you?”

“He’s...just busy...”

“Seriously?  Are you my sister?”

I sigh.  He’s disliked Preston from the very beginning, and I know it’s something that will never change, but I put up with it, because I love him.  “He’s in Chicago on business for a while.  He left Monday, so I’ve been working a little extra, and next week some of my girlfriends are planning to catch up with me.”

“You’re better off.  Maybe he’ll fall, hit his head... get amnesia and forget about you.  That’ll give you a chance to pawn that ring, find a decent guy, and allow your beloved twin brother to willingly participate in your wedding.”  

“Have I told you that I hate you, Carter?”

“Once or twice,” he winks.  “So let’s see it.”

I slurp my Icee and narrow my eyes at him.  “Wow I’m like...shocked.  The whole ride here I thought you were going to try and toss it in the garbage or something.”

“Why?” He snickers as I stick out my hand for him.  “I just wanted to make sure Mom and Dad weren’t playing another practical joke on me after they told me the news, and, damn...I guess they weren’t.  Look at that thing.”

“Would you stop gawking, please.”

“How many carats is that thing? Better not get in the hot tub on the honeymoon, you might sink straight to the bottom.”

“I don’t know how many it is, and I don’t care.”  I sit on my hands.  

“A guy that buys a ring like that is trying to prove something, if you ask me.”

“I wasn’t asking.  Can we talk about something else?”

“I only have an hour lunch,” my brother smiles.  “I need to catch up on my gossip.  Marilyn said I’d be condemned to the sofa if I didn’t come home with something good for her.”

“She needs a hobby.”

“The kids are enough of a hobby for now,” he laughs.  “It’s a great time to be a soccer mom, so I’m told.”

Carter, my twin brother, the typical all American husband and family man.  He married his girlfriend right out of high school, at our parents great displeasure.  They wanted him to go to college first, like me.  He’s always been the stubborn one though, set in his ways, and was determined to show our family that he could get married and get through school too.  When he got his degree in business, my parents seemed to back off.  A year later Carter and Marilyn had a baby boy, bought a house, and he was able to get a good job as a supervisor at a bank.  It’s been almost ten years since then.  He’s the branch manager at his bank now, and Marilyn hasn’t had to work since he was given the promotion.  She stays home with the kids instead, carts them to their activities and makes sure to call me every week so I can fill her in on what’s going on in my world.  She seems to find my job fascinating, even though it’s anything but, and the fact that I’ve been dating a powerful millionaire for the past two years has kept her attention like an afternoon soap opera.

“I might be late for Ashley’s party tomorrow,” I tell him.  “I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I’ve been so busy I didn’t get the chance.”

He nods slightly.  “You working on a case?”

I let out a long breath.  “Working isn’t the word for it.”

“Visitation?”

“Yeah.”

“Nobody can cover for you?”

“Well...I want to be there.”

“You’re not supposed to let this stuff get to you.  I thought they trained you that way.”

I shrug.  “I can’t help it sometimes.”

“Your hearts always been too big for DCF,” he laughs.  “I told you, you should have taken that job at the school instead.”

“That didn’t pay nearly as much as this does, and I make a difference at this job.”

“Yeah but I can tell you’re tired, Betsy.” He leans forward and plops his half eaten pizza crust down on his plate.  “You’re caught up in another one aren’t you?”

“I dunno.  This one is just different, that’s all.”

He leans back, eyes me seriously for several moments.  “Heroin?”

“The father, yeah, but he’s clean now.  He has ten year old daughter that I’ve been working with for like a year.  He really loves her...but...he just can’t seem to get on his feet.  I’m trying to do what I can to help, but right now I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”

“You gotta stop this Betsy.  You can’t save the world.”

I look down at my lap.  He’s right, and I know why, but I hate it.  I hate that this case has hit home with me so damn much, reminded me exactly why I wanted to work for DCF in the first place.

“You know, I went up to see him a couple of weeks ago so I could give him the kids school pictures,” Carter says quietly.  “He asked about you.  I told him you were probably going to get married, and he said he might be able to talk to the board about attending the ceremony.  I said I’d have to talk to you first.”

“Are you serious? Hell will freeze over before I’d have him there.”  

“Betsy...”

“He’s not a part of our lives, Carter!  I mean, damn, I don’t understand why you go up there.  It’s a waste of time.”

“I have my reasons.”  He nods gently.  “I’ve come to terms with his issues, and he’s a part of my life now.  Some people can’t change, and to be honest, he’s better off spending the rest of his life in there.  They force him to stay clean.”

“People can change on their own if they want to.  He just didn’t care enough about us to make the effort, and he’s only in that place because the only alternative was prison.”

“You should go visit him.  He’s actually pretty easy to talk to these days.”

“Why are you defending him!”

“Are we going to do this now?”

I look down at my lap and shake my head, upset at myself for snapping at him.  “I’m sorry.”

“Maybe you should pass this case off to somebody else, Betsy.  It’s probably for the best.”

“I can’t now.  I’m in it too deep and anybody else would mess things up for Ava.  She doesn’t deserve that after everything she’s been through.”

He sighs again, checks his watch, and slowly gets up from the chair.  “Just promise me that you’ll ask for help if you start to lose your mind over it, okay?  I don’t want to see you fall apart like when we were kids.”

I get up too.  “It’s not like that.”

He just smirks, but doesn’t push me anymore.  “C’mon.”

I let him put his arm around me, and I lean into him as he guides me over to the car.  Sure, we’re twins, but Carter has always been the dominant one, the one who made sure I was taken care of, no matter what life threw at us.  I don’t talk about it with a lot of people, even Preston only knows the very basic details of what my life was like before my brother and I turned eleven.  I get out my anger regarding all of that through my work, but when I get cases like this...cases where I can see myself in the child I’m taking care of, I tend to become emotionally enveloped in the outcome and I’ll stop at nothing to make sure that child is placed into a loving home.

The bad thing? It takes my focus off all the other cases on my workload.  Carter knows, and he’s afraid I’ll end up losing my job because of it, but I can’t just...stop caring about Ava at this point.  There’s too much at stake.

Carter lets me into the car, and as we drive off towards his job again, I can’t help but allow my mind to drift back to yesterday night, when I ran into Justin at the soup kitchen.  It shocked me more than anything else, because I didn’t think his sponsor would let him go hungry like that without a powerful reason.  I’m positive he’s not living at Trace’s anymore, but without a confession from him, or some kind of solid proof, I’m stuck.  The only option I have is to confront Trace, but something is just...stopping me.

And I don’t get it.

He looked sick, tired, as if he’d been exposed to the elements for a few days.  There’s no doubt in my mind that Justin is in some kind of predicament, but he ran off on me before I could tear into him anymore.  I tried to follow him, but it was dark, and I have to admit...that soup kitchen isn’t in the best area of town.  Of course I’m always safe, and security escorts me to my car when my shift is over...but I’d hate to venture out into those streets alone.

“How about you come to dinner?” Carter says as he parks in front of the bank.  “Stay the night with us so I don’t have to tell mom and dad that I’m worried about you.”

It means he’s more than concerned about me, and it gets me to smile at him.  I know we have parents but...in a way, Carter has always been a father figure to me.  “I’ll be okay, Carter.”

“I know you.”

I kiss his cheek.  “I promise, if I start to lose it, I’ll call you.  I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on tonight.”

“Wonder why?”

He rolls his eyes, but laughs when I playfully punch him in the arm.  

“Go back to work, would you?  I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon at some point.”

He does it, finally, only after I promise that I’ll start to take it easy when it comes to work.  Deep down, I know it’s a lie, but I guess I’ll do anything to make my brother feel reassured.  I get into the drivers seat, beep and wave at Carter, before finally pulling out of the parking lot.  I have to return something at Staples, so I head in that direction and speed dial my fiance on the way.

“Hey this is Preston, you know what to do.”

Beep

“Hey baby...” I sigh.  “It’s me, just trying to check in with you...didn’t hear from you yesterday.  Call me when you can.  Love you.”

I toss the phone down on the passenger seat in frustration.  When I said goodbye to him at the airport on Monday, he promised to call me every day, and for the first two days he kept his promise.  Then on Wednesday he could only talk for five minutes, and yesterday I couldn’t get a hold of him at all.  Today is more of the same, and while I know he’s probably been busy getting settled in, it baffles me that he hasn’t been able to set aside twenty minutes before bed to give me a call.  I’ve been trying to tell myself to hold out for the weekend...that he’ll have more time then.

But I just can’t shake the bad vibes I’m getting from Preston’s absence.

I do the best I can to put it out of my head as I park and walk into the store.  I pull out my list, and leave my return at the exchange counter before grabbing a cart and venturing out into the store.  Shopping is a great stress reliever, even if I’m just buying office supplies.  

“Well you were late last week too, you know?”

The voice comes from behind me, as I’m stopped in the middle of the aisle filled with pens and pencils.  I smirk a little, because the man doesn’t sound angry, just sympathetic.

“Sorry Trace...you know, it’s just that sometimes I miss the bus and...”

“Joey just don’t do it again,” he laughs.  “Cool?”

“Sure thing.  Thanks.”

The teenage kid walks briskly past me, pushing a cart of merchandise in front of him, and I automatically turn around to find who I thought I would.  Trace is standing in front of a section of pens, scanning product with some kind of gun, seemingly entranced in his work.  Unfortunately for him, he’s about to be interrupted yet again, because I want answers, and cornering him here I’m sure is easier than cornering him at home.  “Hey.”

He scans one more piece of product before plastering a fake retail smile on his face and looking at me.  “Need hel--”  

I smirk as his smile vanishes, and his face turns pale.  I already know that I’m far from his favorite person, and the fact that he seems terrified of me is telling me something is going on.  “Can we talk for a second?”

“Well I’m...kind of in the middle,” he says.  

I narrow my eyes at him.

“What do you want?” He grumbles.  “I shouldn’t be talking to you.”

“Is Justin still staying with you?”

He looks at me like I’ve gone crazy.  “He didn’t tell you he was staying with his mom?”

I cross my arms.  “No, when did that happen?”

He stares at me for a while, probably debating whether or not he should tell me the truth.

“It would be really bad for you to lie to me,” I tell him.  “Just so you know.”

“He moved out a little over two weeks ago,” he says, glumly.  “The baby is coming so...we decided it was for the best.”

I knew it.  I just knew I was right.

“Two weeks?  That’s impossible.  I picked him up in front of your place last Saturday.”

Trace’s eyes go wide, and then he turns and starts to walk away from me very quickly.

“Wait a second!” I yell.  “Trace!”  I manage to catch him before he turns the corner, and pull him back by the shoulder.  He whirls around, pushes me off slightly, looking like he has no idea what to do.  

“Look, I don’t know what he’s doing,” he blurts out.  “Just leave it alone, all right?”

“I can’t leave it alone.  You know that.  I ran into him at the soup kitchen last night, and he ran away from me like he broke the law.  Why would he do that?”

He looks even more confused now.  “The soup kitchen?”

I nod.

He runs his hands through his hair.  “Fuck...I don’t know...I just...I just assumed he was okay.”

“You haven’t spoken to him?”

He just shakes his head and looks at the ground as if he’s the worst friend on the planet.  “My wife and I...the baby is coming and...it’s just a lot.  I’ve been busy between work and getting everything ready at home.”

“So do you think he’s staying at his mothers?”

“Not if he was where you say he was.  She...damn it...she probably told him he couldn’t stay there.  I knew that would happen, but he never would have told me that considering I practically threw him out of my house.”

“So...then where is he staying?”

He doesn’t say a word for a long time.  Then he says: “I don’t know, but we have to find him.”

I know that look on his face, because it’s one I used to see on my brothers face every time dad went missing for a couple of days.  Sure, we’d find him, passed out somewhere, high as a kite, and I’m sure that’s Trace’s worst fear...that Justin has turned back to drugs to get him through this difficult time.  “I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.”

He nods.  “I’ll help you.”  

And just like that, without a second thought, Trace walks to the front of the store, calls one of his managers to hand the shift over to her, and casually leads me outside and over to his car.  

“I’ll drive,” he tells me, as he unlocks it for us.  “I know...I know the streets pretty well.”

I don’t have to ask him why.

We drive for a long time, scanning the entire area surrounding that soup kitchen.  Eventually Trace gets frustrated, and decides to park the car so we can search on foot.  I can sense the panic in him, the desperation and how guilty he feels about all of this.  Of course it’s not his fault that Justin lied to him about what was going on, but the truth is...Trace is probably one of the only people that truly cares about Justin, and he’d never forgive himself if something happened to him.

“Start looking in the alleys,” he calls to me, as we cross into another intersection.  We’re about fifteen or twenty blocks away from the soup kitchen, and I’m losing hope that we’re going to find anything.  “You have to go all the way back...it’s warmer there.”

I don’t think, I just do as he says.  I enter alley after alley, never turning up anything more than a bunch of garbage and rotten smells.  I’m about to give up, tell Trace that we need to report this, and get Justin into even more trouble, but then...

“Collins!”

I race towards the sound of Trace’s voice.  He’s across the street, in the back of another alley, and when I finally reach him, I find that he’s crouched down in front of something...

Or someone.

Oh god.

“Is it...”r32;

“Shit,” he chokes out harshly.  “Justin...Justin can you hear me?”

Trace is feeling for a pulse when I draw close enough to see what’s really going on, and I feel my blood run cold when I lay my eyes on Justin.  He’s pretty beat up, the dried blood is caked all over his face and clothing, and the bruises on his face are telling me that more than one person did this to him.  I immediately dial 911 and identify myself as Justin’s case worker, and they tell us to standby and not to move Justin for any reason.  Then all we can do is wait, and in the meantime, I crouch down next to Trace, and try my best not to cry as he continues to attempt to get his friend to come around.

I know Justin hasn’t made a lot of good choices in his life but...but he didn’t deserve this.  He was trying, making as much of an effort as he could for Ava.

It’s more than my father did for us.

I hear the sirens in the distance after awhile, and without thinking, I reach out and stroke Justin’s face.  I feel Trace’s eyes on me as I do it, but I just don’t care.  “You’re okay,” I whisper to him.  

Then his eyes crack open, just a little bit.

“B--Betsy...”

I smile a little, realizing it’s the first time he’s ever called me by my first name.  “Shh.”  I squeeze his hand.  “Help is coming.”

He squeezes it back, and then he passes out again.

“Are you tired of peel, peel, peeling, potatoes? Stop! Introducing Handy Peel...”

I flip off the television, disgusted with the early morning array of infomercials available on every channel.  I haven’t slept straight through the night in days, I’ve been too worried, and so I’ve resorted to watching the TV, hoping it will relax me.  It’s become really redundant though.  They show the same damn things over and over again.

I’m going fucking stir crazy, and I gotta get out of here, but right now, that seems almost impossible.

I’ve been in the hospital two weeks, and I still can’t get out of bed without the aid of a nurse.  They have me using a bed pan more than anything else to relieve myself, since it’s extremely difficult to get my leg out of this sling thing and my arm out of the extender without causing me more pain.  I feel like I’m a little baby sometimes, especially when they give me my daily sponge baths.  I can’t stand in the shower at the moment, so that’s the only option.

Shit, the nurses aren’t even hot.  It’s like getting bathed by my mother or something, so no, it’s far from something out of a decent porn video.  Trace feels for me, knows I’m going crazy laid up like this.  He’s been trying to visit me every couple of days, but I know with his wife breathing down his neck, those visits are going start becoming very few and far between.  She could care less that I’m sitting here in pain, and I know that.  In fact, if she had her way, she would put an end to Trace’s friendship with me all together.

Thank god for the NA meetings.  Nothing she can do about that.  I’m long overdue for one actually.  I hope Trace has been keeping everybody filled in.

It’s not his fault, even though he wants to blame himself.  It’s mine, completely.  Like Collins told me the first time I was coherent enough to have a real conversation with her, I should have asked for help the moment I found myself with no job and no place to go.  I was used to living that way though.  I’d been on the streets before, never for that long...but I still thought I could handle it.

I couldn’t though, and this is the price I’m paying for my stupidity.

My shoulder is still partially dislocated, my cracked ribs are still healing, and my leg is broken in three places.  That means it will be months before I’ll be able to walk without a cast on, or function normally.  My doctor says I’ll need to take it extremely slow when I’m discharged in a couple of days, and that I won’t be able to work until I’m completely healed.  He also told me it could take at least three months.  That means I won’t be able to start looking for another job until nearly the end of my six month deadline, and I know...I know how slim my chances are of getting something full time so quickly.  That means I won’t have a satisfactory place to live by the time my hearing comes around, a steady income, or money in the bank...

And I’m going to lose my daughter because of it.

I try not to sob as I think about it.  The idea takes over my mind every day, every hour and minute, sinking me deeper and deeper into myself, where I can’t feel anything.  They’re just going to cast her off to some family she doesn’t even know, and I’ll...I’ll never see her again.  I’ll go through life with that guilt, and I seriously doubt I’ll be able to forgive myself.  Collins keeps telling me not to worry about it when she pops in to see me every week, but her words aren’t comforting me.  Of course, I’m thankful for what she’s done, that she cared enough to go asking Trace questions so he’d want to go looking for me.

Otherwise, I don’t know where I would be right now.

I guess we’re even now, and I’ve decided to drop the whole thing that happened at the restaurant with her boyfriend.  She stuck her neck out for me, and I know she put her job on the line to keep all of this from her boss, my social worker, and the courts.  According to her, she hasn’t reported any of this.  She tells me she’s ‘working it out,’ whatever that means.  It’s better that she is, though.  It’s buying me some much needed recovery time, and what DCF doesn’t know won’t hurt them.

The only thing I can’t understand is why she’s giving me a break.  I used to think she was so tough.  So strict and by the book.  Now, though, she just seems like a regular woman with a good heart.

My friend...at least I think I can consider her that.

It’s a difficult line to cross, but I feel that if I want a chance with Ava, I need to go along with whatever it is that she’s working out for me.  If I could just see my daughter, it might put my mind a lot more at ease, only...this isn’t exactly the best time for her to see me.  I know she’s probably confused though.  I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks, and I doubt she’s been given much of an explanation.  She must think I’ve abandoned her, and I’d give anything to be able to tell her that I never would, but as long as I’m in this much pain, there’s no way I can.  Just sitting up in bed is a project right now, and so, I’ll lay here, helpless, until something else happens, or Collins comes up with a miraculous idea.

“Hey.”  Trace pops his head into the room silently, looking over his shoulder for a moment before flashing me a playful grin.  “Is the Gestapo here?”

“No,” I chuckle softly.  “You probably have a good twenty minutes.”

“Great.”  He slips in the door and gently pushes it closed.  “I snuck in some contraband.”  

He holds up a Mcdonald’s bag and I feel my smile grow wide.  “You kick ass.”

“I know.”  He pulls the chair over to my bedside and places it on my bed.  “Figured you were tired of the shit they’ve been feeding you in here.”

“Bland slop? I love it.”  I tug the bag close to me and pull out two sausage Mcmuffins and a hash brown.  “Thanks, man.”

“So listen,” he says, as I quietly begin to chew.  “I was thinking I might be able to talk Kate into letting you stay for a couple of weeks, you know, the baby won’t be here for another month or so...”

“No way.” I shake my head roughly and swallow the food in my mouth.  “I’m cool.”

He bows his head for a few moments before looking up at me again.  “At least you’ll be able to tell them you have a place to go.”

“You can’t save me all the time, Trace, and I’m tired of pissing off your wife.  I’ll figure it out.”

“You’re getting discharged in two days.”

I shrug.  

“Well, where the hell are you gonna go?  You can barely walk.”

“Collins says she’s working on it.”

He lets out a bitter laugh.  “You believe her?”
 
I pause, lick my lips, and wipe my mouth with a napkin.  “Why shouldn’t I?”

“Oh let’s see...she’s part of the reason your unemployed, for starters, not to mention that she’s a fucking DCF agent that’s been against you from the first day.”

“I don’t think she’s on their side anymore.”  I finish my breakfast and crumple the bag into a ball.  “I think...I think she wants Ava to be with me.”

“Sure, and when she pulls all this shit out in court and you lose your kid, I’ll say that you should have listened to me.  You can’t trust them, Justin.  No matter how nice or forgiving, or willing to help they seem.  In the end, they’ll use it all to fuck you over.”

I sigh, lean my head against the pillow.  He’s bitter against the system, but I can’t blame him.  The truth is, Trace has a son out there, hasn’t seen the kid since he was about two years old.  He turned the baby in willingly after his girlfriend died from a heroin overdose, vowing to get him back once he got completely clean again.  Only, things didn’t go as planned.  He let three years pass while he went to live at a rehab facility, and by the time he got back, the DCF agent told him that his son had already been adopted, that some form he had signed in court automatically terminated his parental rights.  Trace was misled by a deceitful agent, and it was unfortunate.  The drug addiction was to blame...Trace’s tragic mistake.  He’s tried time and time again to get a hearing to battle for custody, but the people that adopted his son have a ton of money, and more lawyers on their side than Trace could ever afford.

It’s a lost cause.  He’ll never see his son again, and he’ll never forgive himself, which is probably why he looks out for me and my daughter like this.  He doesn’t talk about his son much, just at the occasional NA meeting, and always breaks down afterward.  I’ve been there for him of course, just like he’s always been there for me.

“I’ll be careful,” I tell him, trying to sound serious.  “I promise.”

“I guess that’s the best you’re gonna do,” he mutters, and stands up.  “I gotta get to the store.  My district manager is in today, and my store looks like shit because of what’s been going on.  I’m going to get my ass handed to me, so don’t blame me if I’m in a shit mood the next time we see each other.”

“I have no idea why you bust your ass for people like that.  It’s not worth it.”

He pauses as he opens the door.  “Those people pay for my house, Justin.  That’s work...that’s life, and I really hope that one day you’ll get your act together and get your GED so you can have what I have.  I mean, I work my ass off, but...it’s worth it if it means I can provide for Kate and the baby.  That’s what’s really important, and I wouldn’t jeopardize my job for anything.  I’ll see you.”

“Yeah.”

The door closes, leaving me alone in the room again, and I sigh harshly.  He didn’t say it, but he wanted to.  I’m not trying hard enough, I’m trying to make other people handle my issues for me...like I always do.  It’s not Collins job to find me a place, but I have no fuckin’ idea what to do.  Every shelter I try to get into is always full, and I can’t land a decent job because...I need my damn GED.  You’d think with Ava I’d be more motivated than ever to get it too.

But I’m just so fuckin’ afraid of failing that I can’t bring myself to take the course.  It’s a real problem for me, taking tests, studying...it’s part of the reason I fell in with the wrong crowd and let drugs take over my life completely.  Again, it was one of those times I should have reached out and asked for help, but I just...didn’t.

And here I am.

I let myself doze off for a while, the food that Trace brought me bringing me enough comfort to do it.  I’m being coaxed awake what seems like ages later by a soft voice.  My eyes crack open, my good one faster than my bruised one, and I find my nurse standing above me with smirk on her face.  “I saw that somebody snuck you in breakfast,” she scolds.  “So I let you sleep for a while.”

“I know nothing, Nancy.  It was here when I woke up, and it seemed like a shame to let all that grease go to waste.”

“Uh huh. Come on mister, you stink, and come hell or high water, I will get you out into the fresh air today.”

She’s the one I like the best out of all of them, but she’s just part time, two shifts a week, and this is the only one she gets to spend with me.  She’s a mother, her kids are teenagers, and are all she talks about.  I’ve told her a little bit about Ava, and our situation.  She seems to understand, and has given me some pointers about the best way to get myself back into school and land a decent job.  I’ve tried take in the advice as best I can, but it’s hard...like this.

Nancy helps me into a wheelchair, and spends the next hour helping me bathe and getting me dressed in a fresh pair of pajamas and a bathrobe.  Once she finishes changing the dressing on my shoulder and getting my arm into the sling again, she pushes me out of the room, and into the activity center where she promptly signs me out and pushes me outside.  It’s a really nice, warm, sunny day.  I can understand why she would have wanted me to experience it, and I’m thankful for her.

Ava would love this.

“Here you go.”  She pushes my chair up to a table that has an umbrella overhead.  “Are you comfortable?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“I’ll bring you a lunch in a little while then.  Here’s some magazines in the mean time, and let somebody know if you need the bathroom, okay?”

I nod, thank her, and pick up an old copy of People magazine with my good hand after she walks away, becoming frustrated when it’s harder than I thought it would be turn to the pages.

Fuck, this sucks.  

“Hey.”

Collins takes a seat adjacent from me, and I put the magazine down and smile a little at her.  It’s earlier than normal for her to be here, but I’m sure her work schedule is allowing it today.  “Hey, Collins.”

“I don’t really have a lot of time...”  She trails off and begins to reach into her briefcase, pulling out some papers and laying them on the table.  She seems flustered, nervous, and agitated.  I’d ask questions too, but I’m not really sure if it’s my place...

And I guess Trace might have put a scare in me this morning too.

“I’ve been calling around everywhere trying to get you into a shelter before you’re discharged,” she tells me.  “Everywhere in LA is either full or only accepting parents with children, so I started looking into other counties...”

“Other counties?” I say as she pushes some pamphlets towards me.  “I can’t be that far from Ava...”

“It’ll only be temporary, until a spot opens up closer to home.”

I begin to pick up one of the pamphlets, all the while hearing Trace’s warnings in the back of my mind.

You can’t trust them, Justin.  No matter how nice or forgiving, or willing to help they seem.  In the end, they’ll use it all to fuck you over

I toss it down.  “I’m not going anywhere.  I want to stay in LA.”

“Justin...”

“Look, my mind is made up!  Just...think of something else!”

“There is nothing else,” she grunts.  “I’m trying to help you out.”

I look away from her, out into the distance...think about Ava, what’s best for her, and I know me being far away from her isn’t in the cards.  “And I’m trying to my kid back.”

“I know that.”

“Then do something else.”

“I’m not your damn social worker!”  

I hear her chair slide out harshly and it forces me to look at her again.  She’s gathering up the things she brought with her quickly, shoving them into her briefcase, and I have to admit...I’ve never seen her so unorganized.

“Collins...come on.”

“I’ll just...I’ll see you later.”

She’s on the brink of tears, and it hits me right in the heart.  Strange, this kind of shit never gets to me, but for some reason seeing her upset makes me want to comfort her, and I have no idea why.  “Whoa...I...I didn’t mean to be a jerk.  I’m sorry.”

She plops back down into the chair and puts her face in her hands.  “It’s not you.”

“Then what is it?”

She sniffles.  “Nothing...”  She trails off and shakes her head a little bit.  “I mean...I guess there is something else I can do that will keep you here in LA but...it’s just fucking crazy, and I’ll probably get fired in the end.”

It gets me to smile again.  “Can’t be much crazier than some of the stuff I’ve done.”

She stares at me.

“Damn, Collins, just tell me.”

“God...all right...I have some extra room at my place.  I could probably keep you there for a few weeks but...you’re going to have to deal with the plan I set into place for you, if this is going to happen.”

She’s right.  That is a crazy fucking idea.  “Live with you?”

“I didn’t say that.  I said you could stay with me for a few weeks.”

I smirk.  “So I’m going to live with you.”

“Whatever you want to call it, Justin.”

“What about your precious boyfriend?” I say it in an annoying voice.  “I doubt he’d be cool with some dude sleeping a few rooms down.”

“He’s away on business.  It’s just me.”

She says it bitterly, and I know why she’s so out of sorts now.  He’s being a dick, probably treating her like shit, but I could have told her about the type of guy he was that first night at the restaurant.  I glance at the diamond ring on her finger as it gleams in the sunlight.  The thing is massive, the symbol of the type of guy he is, and...she just doesn’t seem like the type of girl that would ever be with such a self absorbed idiot.  There’s more to her.  She has a personality, she’s smart, and could be with somebody that would appreciate what she’s all about.  Something is telling me that she’s with this guy because he’s the first one that came along that made her feel special, and she fell in love with him, because she didn’t know any better.

It makes me feel bad for her, sympathetic.

Makes me want to help her.

But I can’t...I can’t do that. Not with her.

“So what are the terms?” I sigh.

She pulls a large paperback book out of her briefcase and tosses it on the table.  I slide it forward with my good arm, and frown when I realize what it is.  “This is a GED course.”

“Right.  You can take it or leave it, but you’re not setting a foot inside my house unless you agree to take it.  The doctor told me you’re going to have to stay in bed for the first week or so that you’re out of the hospital, and that’s plenty of time to get started with the workbook.”

I shake my head.  “I can’t do it.”

“Do you really think the court is going to give you your daughter back without it?”

“It shouldn’t matter.”

“Well, you have to take it.  I’m not letting you fuck up your life more than it is.”

I scowl.  “Well, then I want to see Ava.”

“We’ll see.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Do you really want her to see you this way, Justin?”r32;
“No but...I have to see her, Collins.  I don’t have a choice about how I look right now.”

Her eyes get that sappy, sympathetic gaze in them again, and I think I may have won.  “Will you promise me you’ll do the course?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not unless you want to move really far away.”

“As long as I can have a visit with Ava.”

“Fine.  I’ll set it up.”  

We shake on it.

Trace is going to kill me, but really, what other choice do I have?

I’ve lost it.

I’ve done the unthinkable, had a split second to make the best decision, and chose the worst one because I’d surpassed my business relationship with Justin.  The entire car ride to the hospital that day, I kept telling myself that moving him into the house for a couple of weeks was a stupid, irresponsible idea, and that it never would have crossed my mind if I wasn’t so stressed about other things.  I was firm that he was going to have to move to another town and wait for a spot to open up.  When I parked the car, I told myself that my decision was final.  That Justin would have to deal with it.

But one look at him sitting in that wheelchair, desperate for somebody to help him, made me forget all of that, and I could kick myself now.  I mean, what the hell am I thinking? I’m not going to get away with this.  Between Preston, my family, friends, and my boss, somebody is going to find out, which means I’ll either be fired, dumped, or disowned, and for what?  I’m not supposed to get close to the other side, because that’s how trouble usually starts.  I’m supposed to be looking out for Ava, and now I’m putting everything on the line to give Justin a chance to rebuild his life.

I guess that meeting with his mom might have effected me a more than I originally thought.

During the two weeks Justin was in the hospital, I balanced my time between working on my cases at the center, planning a wedding I wasn’t even sure about, and spending time with my neglected girlfriends.  On top of all that, I somehow managed to sneak in an hour here and there to try and find Justin a place to go once he was discharged.  It was frustrating me more and more as the days passed, because nobody I called coul cut me a break...and some of them owed me favors too.  It was almost as if every homeless person in Los Angeles had been able to find a place to go, except for Justin, and I started to think that something, or someone, was working against him.

And I wasn’t going to let one more person let him down, crazy as I knew it was.

My last resort was going to pay his mother a visit.  Since the truth came out about Justin, part of me had been curious about just why it was that his mother refused to let him stay at her place for a little while.  Of course...I knew what drug addiction could do to a family, but Justin had been clean for a number of years, so I knew there was more behind his mother’s decision.

She lives in a nice middle class neighborhood just twenty minutes outside of Los Angeles.  It was the kind of place where crime was always at an all time low, and I knew it was a great place for Ava to have been growing up.  I didn’t get that either, why she refused to take Ava in.  I assumed it had been a personal decision, one that would ‘teach Justin a lesson’ so to speak...but that wasn’t doing anything to help Ava, and she was the innocent victim.  I wasn’t allowed to push that on her though.  Because she had signed away her right to custody, it was as if she wasn’t even related to her own granddaughter, and I was bound by law not to bring the subject up.

But there was no law saying that I couldn’t talk to her about her son.

“Mrs. Timberlake?” I said it brightly as she opened the door part way, but by the look on her face, I could tell that I wasn’t welcome.   

“It’s Gullman now.”

“Oh.”  I flashed a tight smile.  “Sorry...Mrs. Gullman.”

“What’s he done now?  Did he finally get someone killed?”

I pressed my lips together.  She was used to it, probably thought I was a police officer or social worker, come to tell her that Justin had turned back into a good for nothing drug addict.  When I looked into her eyes again, I could tell how tired she was, that she couldn’t take another blow from her son.  “Justin...hasn’t done anything wrong.  He’s actually trying to get his life back together.”

She just stared at me.

“May I come in?”  I pulled my DCF badge out and held it out for her to see.  

“If this is about Ava...I already told them...”

“It’s not...well, maybe a little bit, but I’m really here to talk to you about your son.”

“But you’re not his case worker are you?”r32;
I knew she was getting confused, and she had a right to be, because I had no place there.  It wasn’t my job, but I was already there and it would have been a waste of my time to give up just then.  “No, I’m Ava’s...but I’m helping him out.”

She sighed heavily and looked back over her shoulder, then back to me.  It was as if she was fighting some impossible battle with herself right then.  One that she couldn’t win.  “I suppose we can talk for a little while.  My husband won’t be home for a couple of hours, but you can’t be here when he comes.  He’s...he’s made me promise not to let Justin back into our lives.”

I nodded.  I knew that it was more the husband than her.  That if she’d been alone, she would have let Ava and her son back into her life a long time ago, but I have no idea if that would have helped Justin, or made him worse.  “Thank you.”

She escorted me into small the house, and into the living room, before having me sit down on the sofa and offering me coffee.  I accepted, and she nervously rushed off to make it, which gave me the opportunity to look around the room a little bit.

There wasn’t a picture of Justin, or Ava anywhere.

Not one.

It was disheartening to see how far she had pushed her own son out of her life.  I knew whatever Justin had done to force his mother to shut him out must have been extreme, and I wasn’t sure if it was right of me to make her relive all of that.  I knew if I was going to take the next step in helping Justin though, I needed to know his backstory.  I needed to know that I could trust him, for the most part.

“I hope you like Folgers,” she forced out a nervous batch of laughter before placing the tray with the coffee, cream and sugar on the little table in front of the sofa.

“Yes, thank you.”  

She sat, took her cup, and began to stir some sugar into her coffee, making sure not to meet my eyeline at all.

“I’m...I’m sorry to burst in on you like this Mrs...”

“You can call me Lynn,” she said softly.  “No need for formalities.”

“I’m Betsy.”

“That’s a nice name.” She flashed a tight smile.  “You don’t hear that very often.”

I nodded gently.  “It was my mothers.”

“Oh.  Is she with you?”

“She...” I trailed off and stared off into space for a moment.  It was probably the last thing I expected to talk about with her, but for some reason, I felt like it was okay to say it.  “She died when I was a few days old.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I forced a smile.  “Things work themselves out.”

“They do.”

But she didn’t smile.

“How-how is he?” She asked next, before I could say anything else.

It was hard for me to look her in the eye after she said it, because I didn’t know how she would take the news.  I considered lying to her, saying that he was fine, working hard...but something inside of me just couldn’t do it.  She was too kind, and had been lied to more times than she should have been in her lifetime.  “He’s in the hospital.”

She gasped, her eyes widened, and she covered her mouth for a moment.  “Oh God...”

“He’s okay,” I reassured her quickly, putting a hand on her shoulder so she wouldn’t have a nervous breakdown.  “Just a couple of broken bones...but it wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t because of the drugs.”

“It wasn’t?”

It was like she couldn’t believe it.  “No...it was because he was too stubborn to ask for help.”

She actually laughed a little.  “Well, he hasn’t changed much then.”

“You mean he’s always been this stubborn?” I smiled.

“Unfortunately.  You can imagine how hard it was to get him to eat his vegetables or take a bath when he was a boy.”  She smiled, her eyes growing distant as she got lost in the memory.  “I just...I wish I could have been a little harder on him before...he got mixed up in everything else.”

“Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.  That’s what drug addiction does to people...families.  It’s an unfortunate reality.”

She just nodded, and went back to her coffee.

“Lynn.”

“Hm.”

“Is there...any significant reason why you aren’t able to let Justin stay here for a couple of weeks?”

She was silent for a long time, and for a while, I thought she was going to send me on my way, but then: “You have to understand...no mother wants to throw her own child out on the street.”  

I nodded.

“But...there comes a point where you have to make a choice.  When Justin was eight, his father left us.  He was never the same after that.  I had to work two jobs to get the bills paid, and so...he was on his own most of the time.  When he started to hang around with the wrong kind of kids, I did my best to separate him from them, but nothing seemed to work.  By the time I met my husband, Justin was already too much for me to handle.  We...put up with it for a while, but when his drug addiction got out of control and he...he started stealing irreplaceable things to fund his habit, Craig put his foot down and had him arrested.  You understand that we were trying to do the best thing for Justin, don’t you?  I...I thought he would get his act together after that, but the minute he was out of prison, he went right back to the drugs.  Then he had Ava, but Craig and I thought it was best that we didn’t get too attached, because we knew that he would want us to take her one day, and it wasn’t our responsibility.  I hate that...I let her go off with the state when Justin was arrested again.  I wish there had been another option but Craig refused to take her in, and I couldn’t lose him too.”

I wanted to agree with her, tell her she was right to do what she did, and the professional side of me did agree.  But, the part of me that knew what it was like to be cast aside by the people that were supposed to care about you, resented her.  It was horribly unprofessional, but I couldn’t shake the feeling, and I felt for Justin...I did, because he was sober, and trying the only way he knew how to get his life together so he could be there for Ava.  I wanted her to see that, to help her son, but I knew she wasn’t going to give up the peaceful life she had with a husband that obviously cared about her a great deal.  The pictures of the two of them looking blissfully happy littered the room and the walls.

He was all she had left, and I knew that no amount of begging or pleading was going to get her to give her son a break.  She’d gotten him out of her system, for the most part.

And I was sitting there, wasting time, when I could have been looking into other solutions for Justin.

I put my coffee down on the table and flashed her another polite smile as I rose from the sofa.  “Thank you for talking to me, Lynn.  I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

She got up too.  “I’m...sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.  It’s a part of my life that I wish would have worked out differently, and also one that I’m trying to forget about.”

“There’s still time,” I said softly.  

“He’s not my son anymore.”

It didn’t shock me as much as it should have.

She let out a long breath as she walked me to the door.  “He’ll be all right, won’t he?  Once he gets out of the hospital?”

I stared back into her eyes, for the first time realizing that Justin had the same ones...piercing metallic blue, full of that subtle kindness that you wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for it.  “He’ll recover.  He’s trying hard right now, for Ava.  I think he may be putting more effort into this than anything else he’s done in his life.”

She smiled faintly, and opened the door.  “Please don’t tell him we spoke.”

Then I was back out on the porch, and when I heard the door click closed behind me, I knew that was the most I was going to get out of Lynn Gullman.  

Justin was alone in the world, and if he was, that meant Ava was too.

I knew I had to do something to help him, extreme or not, before it was too late.

“Do I have any friends who have extra room at their place?” Carter laughed at me that night as we ate dinner at a restaurant close to his house.  His wife had taken their daughter, Ashley, to girl scouts and their son, Lucas, was at a friends house.  “Why? Are you leaving Preston?  Didn’t I tell you that you can stay with us?  Shit, we can go back to the house after we eat and I’ll get all your stuff packed before eleven.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Carter, be serious.”

He slurped his soda.  “I am being serious.”

“Look, I have this...friend,” I lied.  “He’s in a bind.”

“And you think one of my friends is going to let some stranger stay with them for who knows how long? Betsy...really, I’m worried about you...like, telling mom and dad worried.”

Reality hit me hard.  It wasn’t just an odd request...it was a crazy one.  I snapped back into reality a little bit then, knew that I shouldn’t have been talking to Carter about Justin.  “I’m fine,” I said quickly.  “Sorry...I wasn’t thinking.”

“Who’s your friend?” He smirked.

I could have kicked myself, because he wasn’t going to let the subject go without prying.  That was Carter though, always involved in my business because he was my brother and felt it was his duty to protect me from the dangers of the world.  “Nobody.”

“Hey if you’re fucking somebody else, I totally get why you’d do that.”

“You’re a pig.” I glared at him as I got up from the booth and threw some bills down.  “Just...forget that I brought it up, all right?”

A concerned look took over his expression then, and I knew he could tell something was really bothering me.  It wasn’t Justin so much as it was Preston.  The fact that I had barely spoken to him since that night he hung up on me, was doing things to me...telling me that I was worthless, not worthy of his time, because I wasn’t as important as Chicago and the case.  

“Betsy, sit down would you?  Tell me what’s going on.”

I plopped down, felt my face begin to burn, and tried the hardest I could not to start crying.  I hadn’t broken down in front of anybody after the phone call, and I was proud of that.  I had been a perfect angel for Sandra, the wedding coordinator, my boss, my girlfriends during the one night we were able to get out, and for the most part...Justin.  But Carter, I knew I couldn’t keep it from him.  He was the only one who really knew me...knew everything.  “I just...all this stuff is going on with the wedding and work...”

“What’d he do?”

I sighed.  I figured it was time to stop bullshitting and get to the point, because Carter knew what the main problem was.  “I don’t know if Preston loves me anymore.”

He nodded slowly.  “You think it’s another girl?”

I shrugged.  “I haven’t gotten that far.”

“How do you feel?”

I looked at him, but couldn’t answer.  Immediately, my fingers grasped my engagement ring and began to twist it around.  I hadn’t thought about it since he left...how I really felt about us.  If getting married was what I really wanted, if I really loved him enough.  But I didn’t have to question any of that when Preston was home...

I just knew I wanted to marry him, because I loved him.

“I love him.  I mean...I think I do.”

“Well you better decide if you do or don’t for sure,” he laughed lightly.  “Betsy...how much is this wedding even costing?  I knew it was going to be over the top after mom told me the Harringtons were going to pay for the reception.  You can’t just sit by and let his family spend God knows how much and then decide to back out, you know? They sue people for less.”

I rubbed my temples and let out a pathetic groan.  “I just need like...a day with my fiance.  But I can’t even have that because he’s in fucking Chicago for who knows how long.”

“What’s going to happen when you’re married and he starts going away on trips like this more often?”

I hadn’t considered that either.  “I don’t know.”

“Does he know how you get when you’re left alone?”

I shrugged.  “He knows I can get panicky...Sandra was appointed to keep me company.  I’d rather jab needles into my eyes, though.  You know how it is...you’ve been around her, Carter.”

“She’s going to be your mother in law,” he smirked.  “So you better get used to it...all of it.  It’s a package deal marrying a guy like that, and you’ll never escape.”

“I’m not supposed to want to escape, though.”

“But you’re already dreading it, and you’ve been second guessing this whole thing for a while now.”

I frowned.

“So, who’s your friend?”

But I knew I couldn’t tell him about Justin, about any of it, because hell, I didn’t even understand the situation enough to explain it to myself.  Instead, I put my part of the bill on the table, hugged and kissed my brother, before basically deserting him at the diner.  I knew he wouldn’t be happy with me, but he couldn’t stay mad at me forever.

He loved me too much.

I went home that night to an empty house and no messages on the answering machine.  I watched TV until midnight, and then I decided to get in bed.  I stared at the empty space beside me for awhile, wishing Preston would simply appear, so I could talk to him, be comforted by him like so many times in the past.  My eyes caught sight the picture on his side of the night stand, and I reached over to pick it up.  Us.  We were at the beach.  It was a good day.  He asked some nice old couple to take a picture of us there by the edge of the water, his arms wrapped around me like he couldn’t have asked for a better person to be in his arms.

It seemed like all of that was so long ago.

I missed him.

So I decided to call him.

The phone rang forever, and I nearly hung up, figuring Preston must have been out at a bar, entertaining his clients, since it was only ten o’clock his time.

“Hello?”

The chills ran up and down my spine...because it wasn’t Preston.  The voice was female, and I wished I could have been that bold, determined woman that wasn’t going to be outwitted by some slut on the other end of the line.  “Is...is Preston there?”

“Oh...he’s in the shower,” she half giggled.  “He wanted me to answer in case a client called.  Can I take a message?”

I was silent for a long time.

“Hello?”

I hung up, didn’t sleep, cried most of the night.

Looking back on it now, I think I know why I wasn’t in my right mind that morning at the hospital.  The thought had hit me like a ten ton weight while I had been in the shower...that I could just have Justin stay at the house with me.  It seemed to simply, so ingenious.  He wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over his head for a while, and I could help him get back on track while he recovered.  He could get his GED, maybe even start filling out some job applications...

It seemed like a great idea, sure...to somebody who was half out of her mind.  Only later, when my head was completely clear, would I realize how foolish I was.

But there’s no turning back now.  This afternoon, I’ll have myself a new roommate, but not before he’s been allowed to hang out with his daughter for a couple of hours.  

“Miss Betsy?”

I smile at her as I crouch down and straighten her dress out.  “Yes, Ava?”

“Why is my daddy in the hospital?”

It’s something I haven’t been able to explain to her completely.  I mean, I doubt Justin would want me to tell his daughter that he was jumped in an alley by some hoodlums, so I’ve resorted to skirting around the subject entirely.  It’s worked, up until now anyway.  “He had an accident, that’s all, but he gets to leave today, that’s good isn’t it?”

She shrugs and looks at the floor.  “I dunno.  He can’t come live with me.”

“Not right now, but hopefully soon.  Right now, all he really wants to do is see you, and I know you can keep that big smile on your face for him so he’ll feel better that much faster, right?”

She nods a little.  “What about the Baxters?”

“What about them, honey?”

“Well...Miss Darcy says I’m supposed to go spend the weekend with them.  Does that mean I have to go live with them forever?”

I resist letting my jaw drop open.  Honestly, it’s a complete surprise to me, because my boss said nothing to me about it.  Although, she wouldn’t have.  The Baxters are good friends of hers, and before we discovered that Justin was working to get Ava back, she was practically promised to them.  It’s been a while since Ava has seen them, and I wasn’t sure what the status was with their interest in her anymore...but it’s obvious that they’re still very interested.  A few nights overnight at a prospective adoptive families house means serious business.

It means Darcy has all the faith in the world that Justin won’t be regaining custody of his daughter, and...she’s counting on me to find every scrap of information about him that will ruin his chances at a life with Ava.

Only, I’m barely on her side anymore.

“Miss Betsy, I don’t want to live any place except with my daddy,” she continues.  “Tell them that.”

I sigh and rub her shoulders a little.  “I’ll do what I can, kiddo.  How about we go see your dad right now?”

She smiles brilliantly.  “Okay.”r32;
We enter the elevator and take it up to Justin’s floor.  He’s already being pushed out of his room by a nurse, dressed in his street clothes, overnight bag resting on his lap, ready to face the world.

“Hey!” He exclaims brightly when he lays eyes on his daughter, obviously surprised that I actually brought her with me.  I know he wasn’t expecting me to hold true to my word, and that tells me that while we’re much friendlier now, he still doesn’t trust me a hundred percent.

But I guess I don’t trust him completely either.

I let Ava run towards her father, and she throws her arms around him the best she can, while he positions his good arm around her small body, and kisses her head and face, whispering things in her ear that get her to giggle.  I feel the tears threatening to expose themselves, so I turn away, ready to head down to the cafeteria so they can have a little bit more privacy for once.

“Collins!”

I hear him call my name as I start to walk away, and I quickly whirl around.  “I’ll be at the cafeteria...go outside or down to the kids play room on the pediatrics floor.  I can come get you when it’s time to go.”

He kisses Ava once more before wheeling himself closer to me.  “What are you doing this weekend?”

I’m caught off guard.  “I...don’t know.  Why?”

“Well I just thought you know...since you’re doing me such a huge favor maybe...you’d be willing to do one more for Ava.”

I sigh, narrow my eyes.  “Justin...”r32;
He pulls an envelope out of his pocket before I can continue and holds it out for me.  I take it, reluctantly, and my eyes widen when I see what’s been tucked inside.  “Disneyland? But how...”

“Trace.  He wanted to get her something.  There’s passes and reservations at the Disneyland Hotel for two nights, all paid for.”

“You can’t walk.”r32;
Justin smirks.  “The rides have handicapped entrances.”

“Oh.”  I quickly fold up the paper and tuck the tickets inside again.  “Well Justin you know...she can’t really be off the premises overnight.”

It’s a lie, but I don’t have the heart to tell him about the Baxters or that my boss has already made plans for his daughter this weekend.

“It’s two days,” he says gently, looking back over his should to ensure Ava isn’t within earshot.  “Please, Collins.  There’s three tickets.  Trace thought if you came...it might not be such a big deal.  You could just tell your boss that she’s staying with you over the weekend or something.”

“It’s not that simple.”

He stares into my eyes, as if he can read me like a book.  “What is it?”

“It’s...nothing...you know how the system works, Justin.  It’ll have to be another time.  Just enjoy the time I’ve gotten for you today, all right? I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Betsy.”

He says it before I can blow him off and fuck...fuck...I hate when he says my name like that.  He knows it gets to me, that I can’t lie to him or ignore him when he gets so serious.  I turn back to him, and I can just tell...that he knows what’s going on.

“It’s another family isn’t it?” He whispers.

“My boss wants her to go on a home visit this weekend, that’s all.  It’s not serious...”

“Not serious?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’m not an idiot!”

I’m silent.

“What the hell am I supposed to do?” He wheels himself right up to me, grits his teeth in my face as he says the words.  “I can’t...I can’t compare myself to some suburbanites who have more money than I ever will.”

“That’s why I’m trying to help you, Justin.  I mean, do you think I’d kill myself like this otherwise? I don’t want to see...” I stop myself, because it’s going too far.  I can’t tell him how I really feel, because if this thing backfires, he’ll put all the blame on me.  “Just let me do my job, okay?  

“What’s going to happen if they win, Collins?”

I shake my head a little.  “I’m going to do everything I can to stop that from happening.”

He sits back a little.  “Can I ask you something else?”

“You’re wasting Ava time.”

“Why are you helping me?”

I lick my lips and swallow hard.  It was something I hoped he wouldn’t bring up, that he wouldn’t care about.  “I just...think you deserve better.”
“That can’t be the only reason.  You’re letting me into your home.  I mean, for all you know I could loot your whole place.”

“You wouldn’t,” I say simply.

“Yeah, but how do you know that?”

“I just do.”

I turn and walk away from him.  He doesn’t stop me this time, and I’m so thankful, even more so when I finally reach the cafeteria and get myself a big ass cup of coffee.  I take a seat after that, and start to go over work emails in my blackberry.  I frown when I realize I’m behind on a couple of cases, and have retained two new ones.

Next week I’ll be swamped for sure, but maybe it’s better that way.

A new text message pops up as I’m deleting some junk mail.  It’s from Darcy, and I hesitate for a long moment before I finally open it up.

I figured Ava would say something about it, but I just wanted to confirm that the Baxters will be taking her for the weekend.  If you could please have her packed and ready tomorrow afternoon, I’ll take care of getting her there and picking her up on Sunday evening.  

I reply quickly:

My brother is having a party at his house this weekend for one of his kids.  I was planning on taking Ava so she would be able to meet some new faces.  Is there a way they can push it to next weekend?

Then my phone begins to ring.

“Betsy Collins.”

“Betsy, is there something going on?”

I wince.  “No Darcy.  I just...”

“You do realize the Baxters are ready to move forward with the adoption?  Why in the world would you want to jeopardize their opportunity to get closer to Ava right now?”

“I wasn’t trying to do that.  I just thought since Ava’s father was still fighting for custody...”

“He hasn’t got a chance in hell, Betsy.”

“Well he...”

“Have you read the file?”

r32;“Yes...”

“He’s a good for nothing, and it’s your job to ensure he doesn’t wind up taking that sweet little girl back to that horrible life of his.  How are your notes? Have you been compiling a good case against him during the visits?  Any touch can be considered inappropriate Betsy, make sure you stick to that method, all right?  Maybe pull him aside sometime and talk to him about the benefits of signing Ava over to us.  Tell him that it could just be something temporary...that he could always come back to her when he has his life together, and file for custody then.  If you can get him to sign the parental rights waiver, we won’t even have to go to court, and this whole case can finally be put to rest.”

I’m silent, the things she’s telling me chilling me to the core.  I know how DCF runs things at times, and I’ve known a few agents over the course of my career that have done some underhanded things to get children away from their parents, but the fact that my boss is encouraging me to do it, solely for the benefit of her good friends, is rubbing me the wrong way.  She’s never met Justin, never talked to him, and could care less that he’s making an effort for the first time in his life.

“Betsy, did you hear what I said?”

“Y-yeah.  Yeah I heard you.”

“Is there a problem?” She says coldly.

“I...”r32;

“Because if there is I can give Ava’s case to somebody else who will get the job done right.”

“No.  There’s no problem,” I whisper.

“Then you won’t mind dropping me off a copy of your notes, I’m sure.  Maybe have them on my desk by tomorrow afternoon so I can see how the case is progressing.  That will give me enough time to give you some ideas to speed the process along.”

“I’ll have it for you.”

“Good to hear.”

She hangs up, and I’m left sitting at the table in a daze.  I never thought it would come down to this...betray Justin, somebody I’ve been trying to help out of a deep dark hole, all for the sake of my bosses happiness.  I’d quit right now, but if I did, I have no idea what would happen to Ava, and that doesn’t sit well with me.  That plus the fact that Justin would never forgive me for deserting his daughter, means I’m stuck.

Stuck in a game that I know I have a good chance of losing, no matter what the outcome.

Collins lives in a very upscale part of West Hollywood.  I’ve never been up here before, but I’ve never had a reason to be.  My mom barely made enough money to get us by when I was young, and none of my friends were rich, either.  I guess...I have mixed feelings about seeing it all for the first time.  I keep thinking about what it must be like to live like this, not to have to worry about money or where your next meal is coming from, always having the reassurance that your kids are home, where they belong, safe because they’re with you and being well taken care of.  It makes me wish, so hard, that I could have done something different with my life.

Then my mind drifts to Collins’ boyfriend and the type of person he is.  Honestly, I’d rather be broke forever than turn into somebody like him.  I don’t get her relationship with him.  I mean, I understand he probably swept her off her feet, but she doesn’t seem like the type of person who would want to be a rich snob.  She’s content being middle class...helping people like me, and once she marries that guy, I seriously doubt he’s going to want her to have anything to do with DCF.  He’ll take her away from all this, where she’ll be surrounded by a bunch of people just like him, and forget about the simple person she used to be.

The more time I spend with her, the more a little voice inside is pushing me, telling me that I should try and talk her out of this relationship.  That I owe her the favor because she’s helping me out.

But why?

It’s not like I’m attracted to her.  That would be fuckin’ crazy.  No, she’s just a friend.  I think I can say that safely now, since she’s letting me stay with her instead of casting me off to some other town.  Although, I’m still pissed she let her boss snatch my daughter up for the weekend, instead of allowing me to spend it with her in Disneyland.  She just...let her go spend it with some strange family I’ve never met before.  The more I dwell on that though, the more I realize that it’s not Collins fault at all.  It was my decisions that made this happen.  If I hadn’t turned to drugs, I would be in that hotel right now with Ava, enjoying our time together.  

The pressure is starting to build.  I don’t have much time and I know I’m going to have to work extremely hard to get through this GED course so I can look for work.  It seems so impossible at this point, but I know it’s early.  Collins will still have to work during the week while I’m laid up at her place, so that will give me time to read and get through some of the workbook on my own.  I guess I should consider it a blessing.  I’ll have a peaceful place to recover from my injuries and prepare myself for the real world again, instead of being stuck in some shelter, full of germs and disease.

Collins pulls her car off the main drag, which was full of enormous houses tucked away behind large black gates and stone walls.  She was rambling off facts about the area to me like I was some kind of tourist.  I could tell how nervous she was having me in the car with her, though, just by the way she would stutter from time to time, so I decided to keep my mouth shut and let her ramble on.  Now she’s silent, and I know that means we’re getting closer to her place.  The neighborhood we venture into is slightly different.  There are no huge mansions here, just an immaculate, contemporary looking penthouse complex tucked into the hillside.  I’m sure Preston only has them living here because they aren’t married yet.  By next year, they’ll be tucked away behind large irons gates and stone walls too.

“It’s two floors, but most of the living areas are downstairs, so you should be okay,” Collins says as she presses a button near her rearview mirror.  Immediately, a wooden wall I didn’t realize was a garage door begins to rise up from the ground in front of us, and Collins nonchalantly pulls the car forward and closes us inside.  “I set up a guest room on the ground floor that has a connecting bathroom for you.  I’m pretty sure your wheelchair can fit inside, or you can use the crutches if it’s easier.  The door isn’t far from the bed.”

I only half hear her, because I’m too busy gawking at the electric blue Porsche parked beside us.  I recognize it from that night I was fired from the restaurant.  “Is that your weekend toy?”

She turns off the engine and glances at the car.  “It’s Preston’s.”

“So how come you don’t take it for a spin?”

She gives me a tight smile as she removes her seat belt.  “I like my Honda fine.”

“Maybe you just can’t handle a car like that.”

She says nothing, just scowls.

I laugh a little as she gets out of the car and yanks my wheelchair out of the trunk.  A moment later she’s opening my door for me, and it takes several minutes for her to help me out of the car and into the chair.  Honestly, I’m sick of this.  The doctor says I’ll be able to put a walking cast on my leg in about three weeks, but until then I have to stay off of it.  That means I’ll be laid up in bed with nothing but a television and a GED workbook to keep me company.

I’d go crazy, if it wasn’t for the reassurance that I’ll still get to see Ava on Saturdays.  Collins told me the visits won’t change, that they can’t because she’s bound by the law to make them happen, so I guess that’s one thing I have going for me.  Although, I still haven’t figured out how she’s going to explain my broken leg to her boss at the center when she brings me there.  

Something tells me that Collins already has a plan in place.

She always does.  I can’t get my mind around it, why she’s always able to be prepared and have a plan in place.  I mean, the girl puts this stuff together like her life depends on it.  I can see that look on her face sometimes, one that is full of determination and endurance.  I think she might be the strongest person I’ve ever met.

I wonder where she gets it from, but I’m not at the point where I’d be comfortable asking, because she’d expect me to start opening up to her in return.  I’m not about that, at all.  I’m pretty private, and my past is more than embarrassing, so the less she knows the better.  While I don’t think she would ever do it, I know she still has the power to jot things down in my case file if she feels the need, and I’m not stupid enough to forget all the things Trace warned me about when it comes to DCF.

“Here we go.”

 After several minutes of huffing and puffing, she’s able to hoist my chair over the couple of steps that lead up to her door and quickly pushes me through the doorway.  I grip the bars on the wheels so I can slow myself to a stop, and I start to look around what is now going to be my home for the next few weeks.

It’s like I’ve hit the fucking jackpot or something.  I blink a few times, expecting to wake up in the hospital bed again, but nothing happens.  This is for real.  I feel myself smile.  “Shit,” I laugh, softly.  

“Hm?” She walks ahead of me and puts her purse down on the granite topped breakfast bar on the outside of the kitchen.  

“This is some place.”

She rolls her eyes.  “It’s not a big deal, Justin.  I want you to feel welcome here, you know?  Just pretend you’ve been here all along, and it won’t be as awkward.”

“You make it so easy, Collins.  I almost feel like I haven’t been living in squaller for all these years.” I laugh and roll forward into the large living room, taking in the expensive contemporary decor, as well as what seems to be a genuine Wurlitzer jukebox tucked into the corner.  “Is it real?”

“What?”

“The jukebox.”r32;
“Oh...” She walks in front of me and smiles.  “Yeah.  Preston bought it a couple of months after we moved in here.  He knew I loved them so...he did some research and decided to get it for me as a housewarming gift.  Do you like records?”

I shrug slightly, the faded memories popping back into my brain as I continue to stare at the thing all lit up.  “When I was a kid...my mom used to bring me to this little diner by our house.  You know...the kind where everybody knows you by name?  They had one just like that, and the lady that rang the register would always slip me a couple of quarters so I could play songs.  Crazy...I didn’t think they existed anymore.”

She squints at me a little, seems to be thinking hard about something.  “Was it called Wilsons?”

“The diner?”
r32;She nods.

I give her an odd look.  “Yeah.  How...how did you know that?”

“My brother worked there when we were kids.  They closed just last year,” she tells me sadly as she walks up to the machine.  “When they were ready to gut the interior, Preston asked them if he could buy the juke.”

“Well,” I scoff.  “Small fuckin’ world I guess.”

“Yeah.”

I shake my head a little bit, almost in disgust.

“What’s the problem?”

“Preston doesn’t deserve it.”

“It’s not really his.  I mean...he bought it, but it really means a lot to me, more than he can understand.”  She stops talking and pulls some change out of her pocket, dropping a few coins into the machine.  Soon, the familiar cords of Runaround Sue begins to ring through the giant penthouse, and I’m taken back to being a little kid sitting at the counter at Wilson’s with an ice cream soda.  My mom would be wiping my mouth with her napkin because I’d have foam all over my face, but still, I’d smile and tell her I loved her.  That we would always be together because we were a team.

Then the song switches off, and my memory does too.

I can’t think about her.  Not now.

“There’s a little cup of quarters on top of the TV, if you ever feel like playing it,” she tells me as she walks back to me.  “Feel free.”

“Thanks.”

She pushes me out of the living room and down a long hallway, pointing out the linen closet and a couple of other rooms along the way.  When we reach a room at the end of the hall, we stop, and she pushes open the door.

“This is the biggest bedroom, next to the master, but that’s upstairs,” she tells me as she pushes me inside.  The bathroom is right through that door,” she points out. “And that other door is a closet.  I’ll get some of your things in there later on, and I guess you could use some extra clothes too.  We can go tomorrow and get a few things.  You can just pay me back when you finally land that full time job.”

I watch as she goes to the bed and begins to fix it for me, most likely so I can lay down in a little while.  “So, what happens when your boyfriend figures out that I’m staying here?”

“Fiance, and he won’t.”  She fluffs one of the pillows roughly before planting it back on the bed again.  “Don’t worry about him.”

“You’re pretty confident.”

She shrugs.  “Preston isn’t worried about what I’m doing.  When he tells me that he’s on his way home, that’s when I’ll panic.  Nobody is going to find out about you staying here, trust me.  I don’t get that many visitors, and the people that would come here, I can easily divert someplace else.”

I laugh skeptically.  “Yeah but what if...”r32;
“Would you stop worrying about it please!  You’re giving me a damn migraine, Justin.”

“Fine, geez.”  I hold up a hand in a surrender motion.  “You’re the boss.”

“Glad you realize that now,” she smirks.  “You ready to lay down?”

“Depends.  What are you going to do?”

“I have a stack of paperwork waiting for me in my office.”

“But it’s the weekend.”

“DCF doesn’t rest,” she laughs.  “Sometimes the weekend is the only time I can sit and take care of my paperwork.  So...if you don’t mind...”

“Sure,” I nod.  “I can watch TV or something.”
r32;“In bed?”

“I guess so.”

She helps me out of my chair and when I finally sink back against the pillows, I feel a strange sense of calmness rush over me.  It’s like...I don’t have to worry about anything, not as long as she’s here.  Something inside is telling me that she’ll take care of me, take care of everything, and all I have to do is focus on getting better.  I can’t take this favor for granted.  I need her to know that I’m worth the risk, that in the end...I’ll be the person she wants me to be, and Ava will have her father back.

“You good?” She smiles down at me once I’m settled in the bed with the remote control.  “There’s a walkie talkie on the nightstand if you need me.”

“You thought of everything,” I laugh, eyeing the device on the nightstand.

“Just about.”

The doorbell rings.

I feel my eyes go wide as Collins face turns pale.

“Except that,” I whisper.

“Fuck...”

The doorbell rings again.

“Just...be quiet.  I’ll take care of it.”

She whips out of the room and closes the door behind her before I can say anything else.  For about ten minutes, I lay completely still in the bed, paralyzed with the fear that somebody is going to walk in here, discover me, and throw me out on my ass.  
 
“Why are you acting so weird, Betsy?”

It’s a mans voice, but he doesn’t sound angry, just amused.  I start to think that it might be Preston, back from his business trip early as a surprise, but when I hear the sound of two children running through the hall, laughing and playing, I know I couldn’t be more wrong.

But then, who is it?

“Carter I’m too busy right now, okay? I have a pile of paperwork to catch up on for my boss.  I can’t have any distractions.”

They’re right outside the door, I close my eyes, hold my breath, willing her visitor away.

“I brought the kids as a surprise,” Carter explains.  “They haven’t been swimming over here in ages.  I was afraid Preston might rub off on them or something.  Come on, stop being a work-a-holic.”

I don’t know who that guy is, but the fact that he seems to hate Preston as much as I do, makes me like him immediately.

“Aunt Betsy! Can we sleep over!” The voice of a little girl booms from the hallway.

“Yeah! Can we? We want to have a dance party!” Another voice, a little boys, follows afterward.

“How can you say no to those little faces?” Carter speaks up with a laugh.  “Kids, tell your Aunt Betsy how much you love her.”

“We love you!”  

“I...I can’t...Maybe next weekend.”

She’s trying so hard not to give in, and I know, normally, she would love to have these people over the house.  Carter has to be her brother, and he brought his kids over today so they could all go swimming at the pool which I’m sure is on the roof of this penthouse.  I feel like shit, because she’s about to send them home, solely because I’m here.  

“Well, I’m not taking no for an answer.  Marilyn went to some class reunion this weekend, leaving me saddled with these two, and you know how long I can be alone with them before all hell breaks loose.”  

“Carter!”

“C’mon kids, come in here and change! Your Aunt Betsy isn’t in her right mind at the moment.”

The doorknob turns.

Oh no.

“Carter wait!”

Then the door swings open.  The kids rush in of course, completely unaware that I’m in the bed for a few seconds.  Then the younger one, the girl, stops in her tracks as she turns and faces the bed.  She has brilliant green eyes, freckles all over her face, and curly red hair.  Adorable, but right now, I wish she would disappear.  “Daddy! There’s a man in Aunt Betsy’s bed!”

She’s pointing at me, and I wince, laughing slightly, trying not to scare the crap out of the two kids who are now standing before me.  

“What the hell is this?”

I sit up slightly and look towards the doorway.  A young man is standing there in a bright orange t-shirt (Kahuna Bobs Big One), and denim shorts.  He couldn’t be much older than Betsy, and I know I was right when I said he had to be her brother.  They have the same eyes, same chestnut brown hair, and the same look of fearlessness on their faces.  

“Lucas and Ashley go change in the bathroom.” Collins says it sternly and points out into the hallway.  The children don’t question her, just stare at me with wide eyes for a few more moments, before doing as they’re told.

Then they’re gone, leaving me alone with Collins, and her brother who seems less than thrilled that a stranger is staying with his sister.

“Hey.” I manage to smile for Carter.  “How’s it going?”

“Who the hell are you?” He questions, his eyes accusing me of a million different things.  “Betsy...”r32;

“This is my friend, Justin,” she tells him calmly.  “I couldn’t find anybody else to take him in, so...he’s staying here for a little while, just until Preston gets home.”

“Your friend?” He seems more than confused for a few seconds, before a brilliant look of realization takes over his expression. “You mean...you...”  He smirks and looks at me.  “The one you were telling me about?”

She just nods.

I’m so confused.

“You realize this is crazy, right Bets? I mean...if anybody finds out, mom and dad...or the Harringtons...”

“That’s why you’re not going to say anything, to anybody.  Including Marilyn.  If the kids tell her about the man that was in Aunt Betsy’s house, you’re going to tell her it was the cable guy.” She stares at her brother, a fierce look in her eyes, like she means business.  “Right?”

“I...”  He rubs the back of his neck, and glances at me.  “You know I have your back.  But...”

“Good.”  She steps in the doorway, blocking his view of me.  “So go to the pool, and I’ll join you in a few minutes.”

“Betsy...”

“Did you forget about that time I had to pick you up at the strip club, when you were puking all over yourself?” She shoots at him.  “Remember what I told Marilyn the next day? That we ate some bad seafood and I had you sleep at my place?  I really hate to think of the reaction you would get if she found out the truth, Carter.  After all, according to her, she has the picture perfect husband.”

“I really hate you,” he grits out.

“See you at the pool!” She smiles brightly.

He takes one final look at me, and stalks away.  I can hear him calling out to his kids several moments later, yelling at them to hurry up so they can go to the pool.  He sounds agitated, and while I’m more nervous than I’ve ever been before, when I look to Collins for some guidance, I find that she’s leaning against the wall, smirking to herself.

“Is this funny to you?” I mutter.

“Carter is harmless,” she reassures me as she moves towards my bed and sits down on the edge of it.  “He knows I would kick his ass if he mentioned this to anybody.”

I cross my arms and stare up at the ceiling.  “So much for being discreet, huh? So much for ‘nobody is going to find out, Justin.’ Shit, I really don’t need this right now.  I could lose everything, Collins...I could...”

“It’s under control,” she silences me by pressing a hand over my mouth, which I quickly push to the side.  “Trust me, Justin.  Carter is my brother, and we’ve been through way too much in our lives for him to stab me in the back now.  Besides, he can’t stand Preston as it is.  He loves the fact that I’m “betraying him,” so to speak.”

“He looked at me like I was a criminal.”

She shrugs.  “He’s protective of me, that’s all.  I’ll go up and talk to him, and then he’ll understand why I’m doing this.  I don’t want you to worry about it, anymore.”  She pulls the blanket over me a little better.  “Just get some rest, okay?  I’ll be back in a couple of hours when things have calmed down.”

I flick the TV on when I find the remote next to me on the bed.  “Whatever.  I’ll enjoy the couple of hours I have left here, before your brother convinces you to throw me out.”

“Nobody could convince me to do that, Justin.”

I stare at her, and for the first time I see something different in her eyes.  It’s a look of caring, a look that says...she’s going to do whatever it takes to make sure I get my life back.  “I don’t get you at all.”

She laughs lightly as she gets up from the bed.  “Most people don’t.”

I watch her walk away from me and out the door.  She flashes me one more genuine smile, before she closes it behind her.  Then I’m left with my thoughts.  I don’t know what to think, what to expect.  I don’t know her brother, and even though she seems to think she has everything under control, I know people can be very persuasive when they want to be.  What if he convinces her its not safe having me here, that I pose some kind of threat to her well being? What if he convinces her that I’ll steal everything in the house? I just...can’t get those questions out of my mind, and I know why...

It’s because nobody has ever trusted me like Collins does.  Not even my mother, and all I can do is wonder what went on in Betsy’s life, that makes her want to trust me, and help me, more than anybody else.

“Explain.”

I spread myself out on the chaise lounge next to Carter’s, and start rubbing myself with tanning lotion.  He’s laying there calmly, sunglasses on, as he stares up into the sunny California sky.  Lucas and Ashley are several feet away, splashing around in the pool, squealing with laughter.  If it were any other day, I wouldn’t be able to ask for anything more, because I really do love having him and his family here, even if his wife is a little on the annoying side.  But this isn’t a normal day.  Carter knows what’s going on, even if he doesn’t have the full story from me.  While I trust my brother, know that he would keep something I told him to the grave...this situation is just a little bit extreme.

He thinks I’ve lost my mind.

“Are you going to hear me out first, or interrupt me every five minutes?”

He huffs loudly.  “Start explaining first and then I’ll decide.”

He’s pissed.  I feel terrible, because Carter expects me to tell him everything, good, bad, or crazy, before I go through with it.  It’s because we’re so close, been through so much, are each others best friends and will always be.  “Look, I’m not sleeping with him.  It’s not about that.”

“I don’t care if you are.”  He finally turns his head to look at me.  “But you didn’t tell me that you were thinking about moving him in here, and you didn’t tell me that he’s like...disabled...”

“His leg is broken,” I scowl.  “He’s not handicapped for life.”

“And how did you start talking to a guy who has a broken leg?”

I fold my arms across my chest and look away from him.  “He’s not just some guy I met, Carter.  He’s a client of mine.”

My brother doesn’t say anything for a long time, and I know he’s trying to guess what this is all about.  He’s good at that, reading me like a book.  
r32;“Just tell me he’s not that Heroin addict with the little girl, and I’ll get off your case.”

I can’t answer him, because I feel like a fucking fool.

“Betsy...really?”

“It’s not permanent...”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t have to make up for dad’s mistakes?  It’s not your fault.  You were a kid...you couldn’t do anything to stop what happened.  It’s better that...things happened the way they did.  I found you after they took you away from him, and we were never separated again, were we?”

“No.” I whisper, trying to keep myself from sobbing.

“You can’t keep punishing yourself, Betsy.  That’s why I said...you should visit him.  Get some closure.”

“I have no desire to visit him.”

“But you’re ready to put your reputation on the line for this guy?  You know if you were caught, you would never work for the state again, right?  That means all the hard work you did in college will be for nothing.”

“I won’t get caught.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.  I caught you.”

“You were bound to.  I was prepared for that.”

“I’m that predictable?”

“You are.”

He just smirks, and looks back up at the sky again.  “You care about him, don’t you?”

“I’m just trying to get him back with his daughter.  Nobody else wants to give him a chance.”

“Betsy, I know you.  You wouldn’t gamble your career for somebody if they didn’t effect you emotionally.”

I don’t say anything for a while.  I can’t, because I know...Carter has a point.  He’s good at that, reaching deep down inside of me and pulling my true emotions to the surface.  Only, I’m not ready to cross that line, admit to myself that I might care more about Justin than I let on.  “He’s not like the other low lives I usually deal with.  He just...got lost, you know?  I can’t just write a bunch of derogatory stuff in his file and be fine when they rip his kid away from him.  He deserves better than that.”

“He’s a drug addict.”

“Not anymore.”

“And how do you know he won’t go back to the drugs once you make everything right for him again?  How do you know his kid isn’t better off with an adoptive family?  Look at us, Betsy.  What would our lives have been like if dad hadn’t signed us over to the state? If Gloria and Alex hadn’t chosen us?”

“I just...know, that Justin and his daughter belong together.”

“Like you used to tell me you knew about Dad...every time he would...”

“Just stop it, Carter!”

“It’s the truth,” he sighs.  “You know it.  It’s like you’re living the life you wish you could have had, through that kid and her father.  It’s like your ungrateful for everything mom and dad did for us, without a second thought, the minute they adopted us.”

“I’m not...Carter...”
r32;“Well that’s how I’m perceiving it.” His voice is low and sad, like it used to be all those years ago, when we were just kids and didn’t have a clue how our lives would be when we grew up.  “You’re not thankful for the life that you have, Betsy.  You just...wish so hard that dad could have been different, that you could have hid from DCF instead of letting them see how he was forcing you to live.”

“You left.  Things weren’t as bad as you...you thought.”

It’s a lie.  I know it is, and I hate myself for still trying to defend my father when I have so much resentment for him at the same time.  Things at home weren’t good.  They were bad, disgusting, not a good place for two kids to be growing up, but I couldn’t see that, because I loved my father too much and wanted to protect him.

But I couldn’t.

“God, Bets, do you think I wanted to leave?  I didn’t, but I couldn’t be in that house anymore.  I couldn’t continue to be beaten every time dad would get high.   When I couldn’t convince you to come with me, I had to do what I knew was best for me, and when I was finally settled, I told them about you and they went looking.  When they took you away, I think dad finally realized that he couldn’t take care of us anymore, and so he gave us up to the state.  It was a good decision, the best thing he ever did for us.  I think I’m the only one who realizes that, and hell, maybe that’s why I can talk to him now and you still can’t.  You see it as he abandoned us, when all he really did was give us a chance at a future.”

“He could have...he could have tried to get himself clean.  Instead he just...he gave up.  He did abandon us.”

I’m sobbing, but Carter doesn’t say anything about it.  He knows I need to do it, especially right now.  
“Oh Bets,” Carter sighs.  

I shake my head roughly and put my face in my hands, sobbing more harshly into them.  I feel like a failure, like an idiot, for doing all this, and showing my brother how unstable I really am.

“I’m not mad at you.”

His arms are around me, and when I feel him pull me closer to his chest, I don’t hesitate to wrap my arms around him, and just cry.  The kids are oblivious, I’m pretty sure, because I can still hear them happily playing in the water together, and that’s a good thing.  I don’t really feel like explaining myself to them too.

“What’s it going to take to get this Justin guy back on his feet?”

I pull away from him slightly, stare at him for a few moments, in absolute shock, because it sounds like my brother is actually...on my side.  “He has to have three weeks bed rest.  Then he can get a walking cast.  After that I was going to start trying to get him into a government funded apartment while he looks for a job.  But...before he can look for a job he needs to pass his GED exam.”  I shake my head a little.  “He’s not too confident about it.”

Carter nods slightly and his brow furrows as he begins think hard about something.  “Well...if he can pass the GED course, and agrees to take a drug test every month, I might be willing to give him a shot at the bank, as a teller.”

My feel my eyes go wide.  “Are you serious?  Carter...”

“I said might.” He doesn’t smile.  “I’d have to talk to my boss about hiring somebody who has a record.  I could get into serious shit otherwise.”

“Why would you do him a favor like that?”

He laughs a little.  “Because if you’re willing to do all this for him, he must be a decent guy.”

I press my lips together and look down at my lap for a moment.  “He is decent.”

“What about Preston?”

“What about him?”

“Well, I doubt he’d be happy about this.”

I shrug.  “He should have thought about that before he cheated on me.”

Carter sits up slightly.  “Are you sure?”

“I called...some girl answered the phone, said he was in the shower.  What am I supposed to think?”

“I can break his legs for you,” Carter smiles.

“Thanks.  But I’ll deal with him when he comes home.”

Carter just nods, and folds his hands behind his head so he can go back to relaxing.  That’s my brother...knows when he should back off, and right now, Preston isn’t a topic I want to discuss.  “Thanks, Carter.”

“Bring him to the house for dinner tomorrow night,” he tells me.  “I want to get to know him a little bit before we move forward with any of this.”

“Oh...I...”

“Those are my terms, Betsy.  Otherwise, just forget I said anything.”

Honestly, I have no idea if Justin will be comfortable with the idea of spending an evening with my brother, his kids, and his nosey wife.  But if it means having a chance at securing a job, I know he doesn’t have a choice.  “I’ll get him there.”

“We’ll see.”

If nothing else, it makes me that much more determined to drag Justin to my brothers house.  I know this is his chance, probably his only chance, at landing a decent job in time for his court date.

And nothing is going to stand in the way of that as long as I’m around.

We spend a few more hours at the pool like that, dozing off in our lounge chairs while his kids play.  Then his wife calls to say she’s on her way home, so Carter gathers up his kids and sends them inside ahead of us to change, before putting his hands on my shoulders and guiding me into the house.

“So what are you going to tell Marilyn about my dinner guest?”

He smirks.  “I’ll tell her that he’s a co-worker of yours from DCF.”

I gasp.  “What if she starts asking him questions?”

He yanks his bright orange shirt over his head.  “Something tells me he’ll know enough to answer them.”

He’s probably right.  

“Lucas! Ashley! Bus is leaving!” He calls out, and a moment later, they come running.

“That man fell asleep in your bed, Aunt Betsy,” My nephew tells me with a curious expression.  

“It’s fine, Luke.”  I ruffle his hair and tickle him a little bit, causing him to forget all about my house guest.  “I’ll see you tomorrow night at supper, okay?”

“Okay.”

I kiss his cheek and he runs out the door after his sister, leaving Carter and I standing there together.

“I’m glad they have what we didn’t have,” I say gently.

Carter nods slightly, pressing his lips together I assume to hide how emotional I’ve just made him.  “Me too.”  He leans in and kisses my cheek.  “I’ll see you both tomorrow night and...not saying it will happen, but if anything goes wrong, you know you can call me right?”r32;
I roll my eyes and guide him to the door.  “Yes, Carter.”

“I swear, I’m a lot quicker than 911 would be.”

“Night, Carter.”

“Night.”

I close the door on him gently, and when I hear his car turn over a couple of minutes later, I know I’m finally done with him for the night.  Thank goodness, but...I guess it was good that I let my brother in on my dirty little secret.  He’s the only one I can trust, after all, and now Justin has a chance at a job because of his little visit.

I make my way down to his designated bedroom, just to check on him.  If he’s really passed out cold like Lucas said, I might get to work on some of the paperwork resting on my desk for a while before he starts asking me about dinner.  I open the door a crack, see him laying there, passed out like he hasn’t slept so well in a very long time.

And I guess he hasn’t.

I can’t avoid stepping all the way into the room, and sitting on the edge of the bed.  I stare down at him, sleeping so peacefully, knowing that when he wakes up his world will be filled with more problems than most people have in a lifetime.  It’s really not fair, and I want to do whatever I have to, so he’ll be okay.  But with my boss riding my ass about getting his daughter adopted, I’m still so confused about the best way to go about all of this.

“No! Ava!” Justin hollers it out as he jolts awake, breathing harshly, sweating out of every pour.  “Where is she!” He yells, still half in a daze.  “Where!”

“Justin...it’s...you were dreaming,” I say gently, reaching out to touch his face so I can calm him down.  “You’re okay...Ava is okay too.”

He lets out a long breath, and sobs slightly before getting himself together enough to lean back against his pillows.  “They were...they were taking her away again.”

I nod.  “Are...are you okay?”

He rubs his face harshly for a few moments.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Hungry?”r32;

He shakes his head roughly.

“I’ll just...check in later then,” I whisper and quickly get up from the bed.

“What happened to your brother?”r32;

I stop at the doorway and finally look back at him.  He’s calmer now, hiding all evidence that he had a nightmare.  “He went home a few minutes ago.”

“Well...what did he say?”

I smile a little.  “He...wants me to bring you to his house for dinner tomorrow night.”

His eyes narrow.  “Why?”

“He believed me when I told him you were a decent guy.  Carter...he’s the branch manager at a bank in Santa Monica, and he said that he might be able to get you a job, if you play your cards right.”

Justin, naturally, perks up at this news.  “You’re serious?”

“Yeah, that’s why he wants me to bring you to dinner.  He wants to talk to you.”

“Why the fuck would he want to give me a job?”

I have to laugh.  Justin is overwhelmed right now, and so, I’ll take his profanity in stride.  “Because he’s my brother.”

“So?”

“We’re close,” I tell him.  “He’s like my best friend.  I told him about you, and he understands.  He wants to help you, too.  But Justin, you have to play your part.  You have to pass that test.”

He shrugs.  “What if I can’t?”

“Why do you think you can’t pass?”

“I’m just not good at tests.”

“Well I can try to help you, you know.  All you have to do is ask for help, Justin.”

He smirks softly, and gazes down at the bedding.  “I’m not good at that either.”

“I figured that out a while ago.  But you know...it’ll only make it easier for you to be with Ava.”

“I know. I just...I have trouble with things like this.  I don’t know if I can pass, whether or not you help me.”

I sigh harshly and put my hands on my hips.  “Well, why the hell not, Justin?  You’re smarter than you think, you know?”

He shakes his head.  “You don’t get it.”

“Oh I get it.”  I storm back over to the bed, pull the GED workbook off the nightstand and toss it into his lap.  “I get that you have no faith in yourself, so you just give up.”  I open the book up to the first page...Chapter One, Reading Comprehension.  “There, chapter one is a breeze.  You read the passages and then answer the questions on the next page.”

He slaps the book closed.  “Just...forget it, Collins.”

“I’m not letting you give up!” I open the book back up again, angrily.  “Read it, Justin.”

He doesn’t.  Instead, he picks up the book and throws it clear across the room.  It hits the wall with a loud ‘whap’ and then falls pathetically to the floor.  I just stare at him, amazed at the way he’s acting.  “Are you kidding me?”

“I can’t fucking read it!” He yells.

“Stop saying that!”

“You don’t get it! I can hardly read at all...I...I’ve never been able to.”

For a few minutes, I just stare at him, shocked and angry at myself at the same time.  “Oh...”

“I can’t pass a test that I can’t read, Collins.  That’s why I never tried to take it before, and now that I really need to...it’s like, hopeless.  I can’t learn to read properly in the amount of time I have left.  You might as well turn me in to Social Services now so they can revoke my parental rights.”

“Listen to me,” I say to him seriously, bringing my face close to his.  He sucks in his bottom lip as he stares back at me, his piercing blue eyes filled with confusion and anger.  “I don’t care what you say, or...what you think you can’t do.  There’s no options here, no time to be afraid.  This is for Ava, and you have to overcome this thing.  I’ll do whatever I have to do to make that happen.  I’m going to help you.”

A tear escapes his eye and glides down his face, as he slowly leans back into the pillows.  “You care that much?”

“Yeah.  I guess I do.”

He just nods.  “Trace told me not to trust you.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Yeah, but the thing is, I think I’ve always trusted you, and I don’t understand why.  Now...you’re doing all of this for me.  Practically sacrificing yourself for me like you’re my guardian angel or something.”

I laugh.  “It’s not really that serious.”

“It is,” he says quickly.  “I mean, I just can’t understand why somebody like you would want to help me, put their job on the line for me.  My own mother won’t speak to me, thinks I’m a low life piece of shit, and most people would agree with her.  Why should you be any different?”

I wish I could tell him everything...about my father, about my childhood and the things Carter and I were put through, but there’s a part of me that still doesn’t want to give into him.  I still want to shield myself from reliving all of that pain, and I think it’s the biggest reason why I never discussed any of it with Preston.  “I’m just trying to do the right thing.”

“I think it’s more than that.  I think...this is personal.”

“That’s ridiculous.” I try to laugh, but find that I can’t.  “I can’t help you out?”

“Helping me out would be you being laid back during Saturday visits with Ava, and putting good notes in my file.  This is way beyond that.  It’s not in your job description to care about me, or that I’m trying to get Ava back, and it’s certainly not in your job description to give me a place to stay while I’m laid up in bed.”

“I’m not like the rest of the people I work with, Justin.”

“I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, but what happens when it backfires, Collins? What happens when you have to do your job?  Tell your bosses the truth?  Where does that leave me?”

“I told you that I have it covered.”

He shakes his head.  “I dont’ know if I can trust that.  There’s too much risk.”

“Do you have a better idea then?  I mean, Jesus...I took you up here and got you settled in.  You're comfortable, you’ll recover fine.  Sure, my brother came up here unexpected, but he wants to help you.  Don’t get scared off because you have to start working a little bit harder.  I know that’s how you are too.  Something gets hard and you cave right in...”r32;

“You don’t know shit about me.” He says, roughly pointing his finger at me.  “Don’t pretend like you do.”

“I know you, Justin,” I say, bitterly.  “Your life got hard, so you turned to drugs to make it all go away, only...you didn’t count on having a daughter, and once you did, you still didn’t care enough about her to get clean...”

“Fuck you,” he whimpers.  “Go to hell.”

I cross my arms, and smirk.  “Now you have this great opportunity to get a second chance with her, and the second things get a little hard, you start to give up.  Great example for Ava...maybe she is better off without you.”

“Get out!” He yells, and throws a pillow at me.  “Get the fuck away from me!”

I walk out, slam the door behind me.  I can hear him cursing loudly to himself, but I keep walking.  The tears glide down my face, because I feel so defeated, so foolish.  He was on the brink of opening up to me, and I just...I couldn’t talk to him about my past.  I was afraid, and so...I said the wrong things.

Shit.

I walk into the kitchen and take a seat at the breakfast bar, putting my head down on the cool granite as I silently cry to myself.

Then my phone rings, and I almost consider ignoring it, before I realize it could be my boss, and no...I can’t miss her call.  I quickly sniff back my tears, and compose myself, before answering.  “Betsy--Betsy Collins.”

“Hey Bets.”

Fucking Preston.  Of course he would call now.  I lean my forehead against my hand.  “Hey.”

“You okay?”

“Fine.”

He’s silent for a few moments, and I know he can tell that I’m less than thrilled to be hearing from him.  “Betsy, look...I know you called the other day.  That woman who answered...she’s my client’s fiance.  We were about to go to dinner.”

“How long did it take you to think up that story?” I say, letting a sniffle escape me.  

“....It’s not a story.”

“I think you’re full of it, Preston.”

“Betsy, what the hell has gotten into you?  Damn it, I’m not lying to you...I wouldn’t...you know I wouldn’t...I couldn’t do that.”

“Then why the fuck haven’t you been calling me?”  

I’m sobbing on the phone with him, and I hate myself for it.  I hate letting him see me when I’m weak, because that’s not the kind of girl Preston fell in love with.  I never, ever cry in front of him, or over the phone with him, and the only reason I am, is because of Justin.

But why should I care if he’s angry at me or not?

“Baby...I’m working the case of my career.  I thought you understood.  You said you did.  You said that you wouldn’t let it effect us.”

“You hung up on me the other day.  I couldn’t even tell you I loved you.  Then I call you a few nights later, and some slut answers the phone.”

“She’s my clients fiance!”

“How the hell was I supposed to know! She said you were in the shower, Preston.  Do you even know how that fucking sounds to me? I’m thousands of miles away!”

He sighs heavily.  “I’m sorry, baby.  Look, I am.  I’m fucking sorry, Betsy.  I’ve been too wrapped up in this, and I should have made time to talk to you.”

I eye the sparkling diamond on my finger, cradle the phone in-between my neck and shoulder, and start to twist it around my finger, contemplating pulling it off.  “Maybe we shouldn’t...”r32;

“Please don’t say it,” he interrupts.  “Please.”

I’m silent.

“I’ll be on the first flight I can get out of O’Hare next Friday night,” he says, somberly.  “You have my word, and we’ll figure this out, all right?”

Fucking damn it.  “Don’t bother.”

“I’m marrying you,” he says desperately.  “I’m fucking telling you the truth.”

He’s saying it like he’s head over heels in love with me.

Like he’s the Preston I fell in love with.

“Baby I love you,” he continues.  “I’m in love with you and there’s nobody else.  There never will be.  Please dont...I just...I couldn’t handle losing you.”

Shit.  

This couldn’t be a man that cheated on me.  Maybe...maybe he isn’t lying.

Oh God.

“Preston...”

“Just say you’ll be there when I get home.”

I whimper slightly, forgetting about Justin, only focusing on Preston for the time being.  “Of course I’ll be here.”

“I gotta go,” he says after a moment, as if it’s the last thing he wants to do.  “There’s a bunch of people waiting for me in the hotel lobby and I have to make an appearance at dinner.  Can I call you later tonight?”

I sniffle again.  “Will you call me?”

“I promise you that I will.”

“Then I’ll talk to you tonight,” I whisper.  “Have a good dinner.”

“I will.  I love you, Betsy.”

“I love you too.”

“Bye.”

I put the phone down on the countertop, and rub my temples, trying to make sense of it.  Is Preston telling the truth? He’d have to be, because I know him too well.  There’s only a couple of things that could make him panic, and the possibility of losing me has always been one of them.  I know Preston doesn’t like to take risks when it comes to me, and so...why would I ever think he would go and have cheap sex with some stranger?  I guess I just thought he had forgotten about me, didn’t care.

But he does care about me, that’s obvious.

So what the hell am I supposed to do when he gets off that plane?  Justin won’t be in any condition to leave, but he can’t be here when Preston comes home.

I guess I’ve dug myself a nice, deep hole, and I have no idea how I’m going to get out of it.

“Sound it out.”

“Sss-al-a-man-der.”

“Good.”

I look up at him.  “This is pathetic.”

“I called out of work for this, so cut your stupid crap.”

I glare slightly, but look back down at the workbook before he slaps me silly.  “The ss-al-a-man-der’s sk-in bl-end-ss in with the tr-ee.”

“Better.  Now which words in that sentence are nouns?”

“Fuck if I know.”

“Really?”

I sigh.  

“A person, place, or thing, Justin.”

“Salamander and tree?”

“Good.  Now do the next one.”

I roll my eyes, lick my lips, and being to study the next sentence.  “The ss-alamander li-ves in wa-rm cl...” I trail off and peer at the word on the page.

“Climates.”

“Cl-im-ates.”  I hold my head in my hands, frustrated.  “At this rate I should pass the test by the time I’m forty.”

Trace laughs a little and leans back in the chair.  “Lets take a break.”

We’ve been at it since eight o’clock this morning, and I’ve gotten more of an idea of what it’s going to take for me to pass the exam.  Out of desperation, I called him last night.  Naturally, he was confused about why I was at Collins house, so I had to explain all of that to him and apologize about a thousand times for lying to him yet again.  Before I was released from the hospital, I told him I was going to be staying at some shelter, because I was too afraid of what he would say if I told him the truth.  He wasn’t really mad that I was staying with Collins, just that it was the second time I’d lied to him in a month.  I knew better. If I’d taken anything away from my NA meetings, it was that you weren’t supposed to lie to your sponsor.

“You’d tell me if you were using, right?”

He actually asked me that, and I knew I needed to get my act together, fast.

“I’m not.”

He must have believed me, because he skipped on to the next subject after that.  I told him about Carter’s offer, that I needed to pass the GED, and that I admitted to Collins I could barely read.  I also told him about how I lost my temper, threw my book and swore at her.  He told me I was an idiot.

But I already knew that.

She left to run some errands around seven thirty this morning, which baffled me because it was a Sunday, but I figured those errands had to do with her job more than anything else.  She stopped only briefly at my doorway, wouldn’t look me in the eye as she told me to help myself to whatever food I wanted, and that I should be ready when she got back in the afternoon so we could head over to Carters.  I could tell she was still angry, and I guess...I could have been a little nicer to her this morning too.

It’s going to take some time I guess, but I know we both have to pick our emotions up off the floor before we go to her brother’s.  I can’t screw up this job opportunity, because I know if I was able to land a job at a bank, the judge would see that as a major accomplishment.

I could potentially walk out of that courtroom with Ava and never look back.  It’s why I begged Trace to come here and help me with this GED stuff.  To say he was excited that I was finally making an effort was an understatement.  The man has never called out of work before today, at least...not since I’ve known him.  I know he’s sacrificing for me, because he wants me to succeed in my life, and eventually have the things that he treasures above all else.  I have no idea what I would do without him, and I guess I feel bad about taking his trust and guidance for granted all this time I’ve been lying to him.

I won’t blow it again.  I can’t afford to, because Trace has made it clear he won’t be so willing to help me the next time around.

“How many channels do you think they have?” Trace chuckles when we get back into the living room, and flicks the huge flat screen television on with the remote.

I wheel myself closer to the couch, and turn towards the TV while he scans through the different channels.  “A lot more than basic cable offers.”

“This house is crazy.  It would take me and Kate a lifetime to save up a quarter of the money they spent on this place.”

I shrug.  “Your place is decent.”

“Yeah but seeing a place like this, makes that little house seem so insignificant.  I work hard...you know?  Seems like I should be living in a place like this.  That guy she’s with...he probably hasn’t put in a real days work his entire life.”

“Probably not, but that’s how the world works.  Shits on us, while people like that get an easy ride.”

“She seems too good for that schmuck.”

I smirk slightly.  “Are you complimenting Collins?”

He rolls his eyes.  “When she helped me find you that day, I guess it made me see a different side of her.  It doesn’t mean I trust her.  It just means I don’t think she’s as much of a bitch as before.”

“She’s never really been a bitch,” I say gently.  “It just took some time for me to realize that.”

“Justin?”

I look at him, and he’s staring back at me like I’ve gone nuts.  “Well it’s...true.  She’s always sort of cared about me and...she takes great care of Ava.”

“What have I told you about putting your faith in these people?”

“They’re not all like Darcy.”

“They are,” he reassures me before focusing back on the TV.  “When it comes down to doing their jobs, they don’t care what they have to do, or who they do it to.  I’m surprised she hasn’t reported what happened yet, and this whole situation with you staying here...I don’t know what she’s up to, but the minute...the fuckin’ minute you suspect something is going on, you better get your shit and get out.”

I sigh heavily.  I know it’s a battle I won’t win, and the last thing I want to do, is upset him.  He’s been so high on life lately, with the baby coming.  The serious bouts of depression he would fall into a year or so ago, have become non existent.  He excelled at his job, got promoted, and was able to buy a house. His life is set, for the most part, and I’m proud of him, but none of that means he’ll ever change his ways of thinking.  

“I’m just telling you to be careful, and don’t sign anything without talking to Tammy first, all right?”

“You know I wouldn’t,” I smirk.  “I’m not that stupid.”

“That’s what I told myself too.”

I don’t say anything else, and when he goes back to watching the TV again, I decide to keep my mouth shut and let him deal with his emotions on his own.  

“You think she’ll let you out sometime next week for a meeting?” He asks after a while.  “Everyone’s been asking where you’ve been.”

“I...maybe.”  Honestly, I haven’t been thinking much about going to a meeting.  I’ve been so busy worrying about everything else, Ava being the most important thing, that I haven’t had the time to dwell on it.  Although, I know skipping can be bad.  Too many guys I’ve met have relapsed because they let themselves miss too many meetings.  I know the healthy thing would be to ask Collins if she could drop me off or something, but at the same time, all I really want to do is focus on the GED.

“You shouldn’t miss another one,” Trace persists.  “It’s not good for you.”

“I’ll think about it,” I sigh.  “I want to pass this test.”

“You won’t pass anything if your high.”

“Who’s saying I’m going to use?” I laugh a little.  “Trace, you’re paranoid.”

“You’re under a lot of pressure right now, Justin.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  I know how you can decide to use ‘just once’ to get rid of the stress.  It only takes one time, to put you right back where you used to be.”

“I know that.” I say it darkly.  I swear, sometimes he tends to forget how bad off I was.  How I would shoot my veins up with so much shit I couldn’t function for days.  “I’m not going to use.  I’ve learned from my mistakes.”

He crosses his arms.  “I’m just concerned that all of this is going to blow up in your face, and you won’t be able to resist the temptation.”

“Well, you know, I appreciate it, but I’ve got it under control, all right?”

He just shrugs, but I get it.  He’s like family, and if he didn’t care, I would start to worry.  We get lost in Sports Center for a couple of hours, taking complete advantage of the amazing plasma television and the plentiful food supply in the refrigerator.  It’s a little bit past three when I hear the front door open, and I know Collins has returned.  Trace quickly flicks off the television and rises to his feet, as I turn myself around in the wheelchair.

“Hey.” She says it tiredly, plopping her purse on the breakfast bar before focusing on us.  “Oh...hey Trace.”

She forces a smile, and I can tell she would rather not have to deal with him right now.  

“Trace was helping me with the workbook.”  I say it softly, because I know we’re still not on the best of terms, and I find that she can barely look at me when I say it to her.

“You were working on it?”

She sort of smiles, like she’s delighted, and it gets me to smile back.

“Is that a surprise to you?” Trace blurts out, before I can tell her about my progress.  “He’s capable, not completely fucking helpless like you act like he is most of the time.”

She gives him a strange look, and glances at me quickly.

“Trace...” I begin.

“You know, Trace,” Collins interrupts with a small, sarcastic smile, and walks right up to him.  “I think I’ve been completely tolerant of your attitude, and the way you find it necessary to belittle me no matter how friendly I am to you.  But you’re in my house right now...you know?  I don’t remember inviting you but...I guess Justin is your friend, so I shouldn’t deny him the company, even if you are a jerk.”

He just stares at her.

“I mean, is that it? Are you a jerk? Or is there some other reason you have such a big problem with me?  I would think by this point, you would have realized that I’m trying to help Justin out.”

“I’m not a jerk.”  He steps past her and starts to head for the door.  “I just don’t trust you, and I’m trying to make sure you don’t screw my best friend over.  I’ll see you later, J...meeting’s on Tuesday night.”

He walks out, without allowing Collins or myself, to say anything else.

“What’s up with him?” She says, automatically.

“He’s got some issues,” I laugh lightly.

“Apparently.”  She shakes her head, frustrated, and starts back towards the living room.

“He has this grudge against DCF, that’s all.”  I wheel myself closer to her.  “Don’t take it personally.”

She gives me a tight lipped smile.  “I never do.”

“I’m um...sorry about yesterday.”

“Yeah well, I guess I overreacted too.”

I just nod.  I get the sense that she wants to move onto the next thing.  That’s Collins though.  The more I get to know her, the more I realize that she hates to dwell on the bad shit for too long.  “Truce?”

She rolls her eyes.  “Whatever.  Give me a few minutes, and I’ll be ready to drive us over to Carter’s.  He’s called me twice already today, just to make sure I was coming, so be prepared for a lot of awkward inquisition.  I don’t know if you ever had girlfriends in high school...but he’s kind of like this mean overprotective father that won’t stop pestering you about shit.”

I laugh, but it fades quickly.  “The type of girls I dated, didn’t have parents who cared.”

She raises an eyebrow.  “Biker chicks?”

“With leathers.”

“Thought so.  Oh, and by the way, I have something going on here next weekend, so I was going to get you a room in the city.  Is that...okay?”

“What’s going on?”

“Well, I do have a life,” she laughs.  “It’ll just be for the weekend.  Preston is coming home for a visit and my parents are going to be in town, so I have some things to do for the wedding.”

“Damn.  For a second I thought I might have made you reconsider marrying him,” I laugh.  “Yeah, I mean, do what you need to do, Collins.  As long as I can see Ava.”

She sort of stops, and gives me a look like I’ve shocked her.  “Why would I have reconsidered?”

“It was a joke,” I smirk.  “But I do have to admit, he’s not my favorite person.”

“I thought I explained...that whole thing.  He’s really not...”

“Collins it’s fine.  I was fucking with you.  You don’t have to explain him to me.  I’m not spending the rest of my life with him.”

She lets out a harsh sigh.  “I’ll make sure the visit happens, okay?”

“Sure.”

I watch her walk away, having no doubt that she’s dealing with some kind of issue with that guy.  But of course she would be.  The minute I laid my eyes on him that night in the restaurant, I could tell what a sketchy bastard he was.  There’s no way I could ever tell Collins that though.  She wouldn’t want to hear it, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first person to talk badly to her about her fiance.  Something tells me she’s had those conversations with Carter too many times to count, but he obviously wasn’t able to talk her out of the relationship, because she’s still getting married.

I tell myself it’s not my problem.  That I have to keep this friendship with her at a professional level.  Yesterday I think we both slipped, started to get lost and let our emotions get in the way of the point of this whole thing, which is getting Ava back in my custody.  I thought about our fight after I calmed down, and convinced myself that she was doing all this, letting me stay with her and doing things behind her bosses back, for Ava’s sake.  So in a sense, she’s really Ava’s guardian angel, not mine, and that’s probably what she always meant to be. No matter what anybody else thinks, my daughters place is with me, and as long as I have the means, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t be together.  I have a shot now, a real chance, and I have to tread lightly with Collins and let her help me out if she wants to, because without her support I know I could lose everything.

Maybe Trace is right.  Maybe I do need to go to a meeting, just to get my head straightened out a little more before I move forward with all these tests and job interviews.

Maybe...Collins can come with me, just to see what it’s all about.  I think she might get more of an understanding of what it’s like to be an addict, what my world has been like for all these years, and even though I usually hate opening up to people, now that I’ve thought things over, I’m starting to think it wouldn’t be so bad to open up to her.

I think I’ll ask her, even though Trace will get pissed off, but this isn’t about him.

This is about Collins being able to understand me, and hopefully, letting me understand her some more, because honestly...she confuses the fuck out of me.  I can never tell what she’s thinking, or what she’ll do next.  She’s unpredictable I guess, and obviously has a sense of adventure inside of her if she was willing to do all of this for me.  I’ve always liked an unpredictable woman too.  That’s what drew me to Ava’s mother originally, only, she was never meant to stay in one place for too long.

I mean, I’m not into Collins.

She’s just...likable.

“Ready?”

I look up, and smile at her as she stands before me.  She’s not dressed in her usual pants suit, or tee shirt and jeans.  No, tonight she’s in a nice sundress and flats.  Her makeup is a little more colorful than normal, and it lights her whole face up.  I can’t help but think that she looks good, even though it’s probably not the best thing.

“Justin?”

“Oh, yeah...I’m good.”

She gives me a strange look, but seems to shake off the feeling as she pushes my wheelchair over to the door and out to the driveway.  She hands me my crutches, and I slowly get up and lean on them as she helps me get into the car.

“You think you’ll be okay with the crutches for tonight? Carter’s house isn’t exactly wheelchair friendly.”

“I’ll manage.” I smirk.

“Great.”  She reaches over and turns the volume up on the radio, concentrating intensely on the road, as if a million different things are on her mind.

“You okay?”

“Hm?” She glances over at me.  

“You seem tense.”

“I just had a busy morning, and preparing myself for Carter’s wife is always a little bit of a challenge.”

“It looks like you pulled yourself together pretty well.”

“What do you mean?” She laughs.  

“You look nice, that’s all.”

Her cheeks turn slightly pink.  “Oh...well, thanks...”

“I’ve just never seen you dressed in anything else except those courtroom pants suits.  You should do this more often.”

“I do.  You’ve just never been around to see me this way before.”

I raise an eyebrow.  “You saying I’ve been missing out?”

“God, shut up.” She slaps me playfully on the arm, and I laugh along with her.  “You cleaned up pretty nice today yourself.  How did you manage to shave?”r32;

“It wasn’t easy, I’ll say that much.”

“I wish you were always in this good of a mood, Justin,” she smiles.  “You’d get a lot more people to like you.”

“I don’t need to be popular.  A couple of friends is enough.”

She stares at me for a few moments, like she doesn’t know what to think.  “Are we friends?”

“I’d like to think so, considering all of this.”

“I just don’t want you to resent me if something happens, god forbid, and...things don’t turn out the way we’d like them to.”

“That’s the system though,” I say softly.  “It’s not you.  I know you’re doing everything you can, Betsy, and if I get bent out of shape, it’s because I’m frustrated.  I feel really bad about last night.  I never wanted to blow up at you like that.”

She smiles a little.  “I know you didn’t.  I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard.  I picked up a learn to read video from the center before I came home today.  I think it will help things move a long a little faster. There’s a workbook that goes a long with it.  You can do it while you watch the video.  It’s a step by step class.”

“Cool.  I’ll start it tomorrow.”

“What was Trace saying about a meeting?”

“Oh...well, I haven’t been to an NA meeting in weeks.  He wants me to start going again.  I know I should, it can be bad if I’m away for too long.  I was kind of hoping that...that you might want to come, you know? Just to see what it’s all about.”

She’s silent.  My heart sinks, and I guess I probably shouldn’t have been so forward with her.

“I...I don’t know...”

“It’s okay.”  I look away from her and stare straight ahead.  “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s not that,” she sighs.  “I just...I’m...I dont’ know what my schedule is going to be like.”

“You don’t have to come, Collins.  I get it.  Trace can just bring me there and back.”

She runs a hand through her hair, and sighs, but doesn’t say anything else to me.  Of course I’m a little confused but I know it’s not that important.  She’s not ready to be around more people like me, and I understand.  Once again, it’s another case of my emotions slipping, not focusing on being strictly professional with Collins.

I can’t do it again.
***********

“Hey! You made it.”r32;

I steady myself on the crutches as I observe Carter hugging his sister for a few moments.  I try my best to smile, but find that I’m so nervous all I can really do is look at the ground when he meets my gaze.

“It’s Justin right?”

I hear Collins clear her throat, and it’s the only thing that makes me look up again.  I stare back into Carter’s half serious, half curious expression as he sticks his hand out for me to shake.  I lean forward a little bit, and swallow back my nerves as I shake his hand.  “Yeah.  Thanks for having me.”

“No problem.  Come on in.  Marilyn is out back with the kids.”

Collins helps me up the few steps that lead into the house, and I can’t help but glance around once I’m fully inside.  It’s a nice house, I can tell that straight off.  It’s bigger than Trace’s but no where near as luxurious as Collin’s penthouse.  Something tells me Carter isn’t about that though.  He’s simpler, more about family life, and it makes me start to like the guy even more.   He escorts us through the small foyer and into the living room, offering me a seat on the couch, which I gladly accept since my leg is starting to bother me.

“We’ll be out in a few,”Carter says to Betsy with a serious tone, obviously telling her he wants to talk to me alone, right now.

Great.

“You’re leaving me alone with your wife?  She’s going to want his life story, Carter.”

He shrugs and pats her shoulder.  “You’re good at making up shit, Bets.  Just try and change the subject.”

She rolls her eyes.  

“Hey you owe me,” he laughs.  “You really owe me.”

With one final, desperate glance my way, she waves a little bit, and walks away.

Now it’s just me and Carter, and I have no fucking idea what to expect.  I tap my fingers nervously on the arm of the couch, while he ventures through the living room and into the kitchen.  The design of this downstairs is all open, so the rooms connect into one another.  I guess that’s good.  This way, I’ll be able to tell if he’s going to get a cleaver or something so I won’t bother his sister anymore.  A picture on the side table next to me catches my eye, and I stare at it for a while, trying to calm my nerves.  It’s a recent picture of Carter with an older gentleman that must be his father.  They have the same chestnut hair, and those eyes that are also a running trait in Betsy too, only she’s not in this picture.  As I glance around, I find it’s the only one that exists of this particular gentleman as well.  There’s another picture on top of the mantle nestled amongst the dozen of Carter’s children and other family photos.  This one is of a much younger Betsy and Carter dressed in caps and gowns...graduation most likely.  Two older adults stand at either side of them, smiling adoringly, a man and a woman, only they look nothing like Carter and Betsy.   

I know from experience, that it’s better not to ask questions.

Carter walks back to the sofa after a few minutes, a few beers and a couple of cans of soda in his arms.  “Wasn’t sure what your preference was.”  He smiles tightly as he plops it all down on the coffee table and positions himself next to me.  “Sam Adams, Budweiser?”

“Oh...I don’t drink, but thanks.”

“Hence the soft drinks.”  He laughs a little and hands me a Sprite.  “I wasn’t sure.  Sorry.”

“Hey, no big deal.”  I crack open the can and take a nervous swallow.  “Happens all the time.”

“You’re um...in the twelve step program?”

I stare at him for a second, a little baffled. The way he said it, it’s like...he’s been through it or something, only...he just doesn’t seem like the type that would get mixed up in drugs.  “I was.  I finished last year, now I just go to meetings.”

“How long have you been clean for?”

“It’s almost two years now.”

He nods gently, and rubs his hand together before taking a sip of his own beer.  “I guess Betsy told you I want to try to get you in at the bank.”

“Yeah she did.  I’m just not sure why,” I chuckle.  “Nobody has ever given me this big of an opportunity before, and I want to thank you but...I’m not exactly there yet, you know? I have to pass my GED, and even then...I mean, I have a record.”

“Well, I know all that.  Betsy just seems to think the world of you though, and she’s my twin sister, I love her to death.  I’d do anything for her, you know?”

I nod.

“So when she explained you to me, I knew you must have made an impression.  That’s hard to do with Betsy.  She’s as stubborn as they come, so I knew...I needed to do something.  I’m not about turning my back on people...I actually like to help out wherever I can.  I do a lot of stuff at our youth center here in town, but I was never cut out for a DCF job like Betsy was.  If you can prove yourself, keep yourself in line and do what your supposed to do, I could probably persuade my boss to give you a chance on a probationary basis.  You just need to let me know when you pass your exam, and then you can come in for a drug test.  I’ll handle the rest.”

“You just...you have no idea how much this means to me,” I say, letting out a relieved breath.  “I’m trying to get my little girl back, and this is going to be a huge help.”

He nods, puts his beer down and leans back on the sofa.  “I just need to know that you’re not going to pull anything with Betsy, and we’ll be in the clear.”

“Pull something?”

He strokes his chin for a moment, thoughtfully.  “How much has she told you about herself?”

Honestly, I’m baffled, have no idea where he’s even going with this, and I know if my leg wasn’t broken, I would have gotten up and left about thirty seconds ago.  “The basics I guess...I mean, if you think I would hurt her, you don’t have to worry.  It’s strictly professional between Collins...I mean, Betsy and me.”

“Professional went out the window the second you agreed to stay at her place,” he says, seriously.  “Now, I think her fiance is a piece of shit, but she’s going to marry who she wants to, and I can tolerate it for the most part, because he makes her happy and takes good care of her. I won’t let anybody come between my sister and her happiness, either, so, what I need you to do for me is make sure that you don’t give her a reason to fall for you.”r32;

I laugh at him.  “You don’t have to worry about that.”

“You sure?”

I look at him again. “What would make you think I have feelings for your sister?”

“I’m not saying you do.  I’m talking about Betsy.”

“Betsy?”

“Look, it’s no secret that she feels a certain way about you, Justin.  The thing is, it all stems from our father.  She feels like...I dunno...she feels like she’s obligated to save people like him, you know?  She spent her whole childhood trying to protect him, and when she couldn’t, a part of her vowed to save the rest of humanity I guess.  They’re not genuine...the feelings she might have about you right now, and the minute you get your life together you’re going to walk away and forget about her.  That could make her fall apart if she gets too emotionally invested.  I’d hate to see her throw away a relationship she’s been in for two years, for somebody like you, even if I can’t stand the guy.”

I just stare at him, completely baffled, because only now am I realizing there’s a hell of a lot more to Betsy Collins than I ever thought was possible.

“So are we clear on that?” Carter pushes.  “If you have an issue or something, you can always come to me.  I’ll set her straight.  I do it all the time.  I just need to know that you wouldn’t...follow through with anything...that might happen, seeing as how Preston is out of town for a while.”

He’s talking about sex.  I’m just so fucking confused, and part of me would like to kick his ass, but I know he means well.  He’s looking out for his sister, and I’m almost positive it isn’t the first time he’s had this type of concern about one of his sisters cases.  What does it mean though? What’s the deal with their father? What happened when they were kids? There’s so many damn questions, and I want him to tell me everything, but I’m pretty sure he has no intention on doing that.  He just wants what’s best for his sister, and wants me to understand what I shouldn’t be doing when it comes to her.  It’s like he thinks she’s mentally unstable or something.

I guess we all have our flaws, and I’ve just found out Collin’s tragic one.

“So we’re good,” Carter speaks up again, and sticks out his hand.

I shake it.  “Yeah.  Yeah of course.”

“Good.” He smiles and stands up, while helping me to steady myself on my crutches.  “Ready for some kick ass barbeque?  Marilyn is amazing at the grill.  The most I can do is burn a hot dog.”

I doubt I could eat a bite, but by the way he’s standing there smiling at me, I know he’s expecting me to put the conversation behind us and simply enjoy the evening.  I know I have to do it too, because if I don’t, I can probably kiss my chance at that bank job goodbye.  “You bet,” I smile.

He gives me another casual, almost cautious glance, before walking ahead of me.  I follow behind him on the crutches, trying the hardest I can to put the conversation out of my head before Collins sees me again.  When we get out on the deck, I’m immediately greeted by her, while the kids race around, yelling and screaming, nearly knocking me off my crutches.  For the briefest of seconds I’m knocked half off them, but she braces herself against me, and one of my arms grabs onto her waist.  Our eyes connect and we laugh, but then I feel Carter’s eyes boring into the back of my head, and I quickly back off.  “Sorry.”  

“It’s...fine.”

She gives me a questioning look, but doesn’t say anything more as she helps me sit down at the table.  Immediately, Carter’s wife Marilyn, a cute petite redhead, pops into view and starts asking me every question under the sun about myself, which of course, I manage to come up with a complete bullshit answer to.  She doesn’t seem the slightest bit suspicious.  She’s one of those chicks who would probably believe anything you tell her, and I guess she’s lucky she found an honest guy like Carter to take care of her.

Once dinner is over, the kids are allowed to venture out into the yard and play where they can’t create a ton of chaos, and I think we’re all thankful.  Carter brings out a deck of cards, and we all play a rousing game of crazy eights for a couple of hours.  It’s mindless and gets us all to talk about casual subjects that we won’t remember tomorrow.  I know it’s Carters intent.  He’s smarter than he let’s on, and I’m sure it’s why he went into finance rather than child welfare.  A part of me knows that I shouldn’t trust him.  There’s just something about him that tells me he’ll make my life a living hell if I put a finger out of line when it comes to his sister.  At the same time though, he’s giving me a break, whether or not it’s sisters doing, and I know I have to play the game of ‘Carter Knows Best,’ if I have any hope of reaching my ultimate goal.  

It’s a shame, because I was really starting to like having her around.  She makes me laugh more than most people do.

But for Ava’s sake, I know I have to sacrifice it all, and whether or not backing off is the best thing for Betsy, isn’t my place to decide, I guess.

“Please.  I-I can change.”

“I’m sorry.  I’ve already given you three chances to clean this place up, and stop using.  It’s not safe for him anymore.”  I nod at the officer behind me, who picks the wailing little boy up off the floor, and carries him out of the apartment.  “This is a court summons.” I hand it to her.  “It’s dated thirty days from now.  I suggest you clean yourself up before then.”

“You bitch!  How can you take my baby? How can you take him from me!”

She’s on her knees, coked out and sobbing, but I don’t react.  Instead, I walk out, slam the door, and lean against the wall for a few minutes, trying to catch my breath and hold myself back from sobbing.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I know I’m going to be able to sit down and drink a big glass of wine later, I’d probably pitch myself off that balcony right now.  It’s Monday, collection day in the DCF world.  This morning alone I’ve already picked up three children from their so called homes and placed them at the center.  Two of those children were just released back to their biological parents six months ago.

It’s a never ending fucking circle, heartbreaking, but yet, something keeps pushing me to keep going.  

Must be that guilt thing Carter keeps talking about.

My phone vibrates at my side, and I pull it out and to my ear with a sigh.  “Betsy Collins.”

“Betsy, I just got back to the office.  I meant to catch you after the meeting this morning, but they said you had an emergency pick up,” Darcy rambles in my ear.  “Are you in the middle of anything now? I’d like to have that meeting with you as soon as possible.”

“I just did a pick up,” I say, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice.  “I can be back to the office in a half hour.”

“Good. I’ll be waiting.”

She hangs up.  I know it has to be about Ava, about the supposed progress she made this weekend at the Baxters.  It’s also probably about Justin’s file, and how she would like me to ‘tweak’ it for the court date.  Only, she doesn’t know the truth, that I’ve been holing him up at my house, helping him, securing a job for him.  If she ever found out I know I would be fired but...I just can’t help myself anymore.

It’s like I’m addicted, and I don’t know what to think about it.

Justin acted strangely on the way back from Carter’s house last night.  He wouldn’t say anything, even when I asked him what he and Carter had talked about.  He kept blowing it off, telling me everything was great, that Carter was going to help him get a job.  I knew it was a forced answer, that my brother had probably told him more, things that...maybe I wasn’t ready for Justin to hear, but he wasn’t going to give that information up easily.  If I wasn’t so busy today I would drive over to Carter’s job and make him tell me what went on too, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

When I see Justin tonight, I’ll have no idea what to expect, and that scares me, because I thought we were making a connection.  It felt like we were really friends, for the first time since I took his case, even though...when he asked me to come to his NA meeting with him I backed down.  I guess I was scared.  Going to something like that, I knew, would take me back to a time and place I had been trying to forget about for years.  Only, I couldn’t forget.  I proved that to myself each and every time I snuck around and helped Justin.  I wasn’t ready to share all that with him, even if we were friends, but I think he could tell I was hiding it all from him.

Maybe that’s why he’s backing down, or maybe my brother scared the crap out of him.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  I think Preston might be the only guy that wasn’t intimidated by my brother on the first meeting, and it could be why our relationship has lasted longer than the other ones I’ve been in.  

I’ve been trying to take Preston’s weekend visit with a grain of salt.  I don’t want him to come home only to have me shout in his face like I shouted at him over the phone.  I want to talk to him and find out what’s really going on.  If this wedding is really going to happen or not.  As it is, my parents are coming into town Friday night to stay with the Harringtons and see the wedding venue over the weekend.  I know this is the last step.  If I don’t back out now, there will be hell to pay later on, and so...I have to be sure.

But I’ve never been able to turn my back on Preston before, so how will I be able to do it now, if I realize he’s just...not the person I thought?

I really need a damn vacation.  But first, I have to deal with my boss, who is an even bigger issue than my fiance and my brother combined.  I walk out to my car, talk to the officer that has the little boy in the back of his, and he agrees to take him on to the center for me so I can meet with Darcy right away.  I race back to work, only because I know that Darcy is probably timing that half hour I told her it would take me, down to the minute.  That’s how she is, fucking crazy when it comes to agendas, and I don’t feel like receiving a lecture when this meeting already has me on pins and needles.  Thankfully, I don’t hit traffic, and pull into the center about three minutes ahead of schedule, which gives me a chance to collect myself and go over what I’m going to say to her when she asks me why Justin’s file looks so good.

Only, when I finally do go inside the building, everything running through my mind immediately flushes itself out to make room for the shock that hits me when I open her door.  There are the Baxters, sitting there chatting with Darcy like they don’t have a care in the world, and...seated beside them, is the last person I ever expected to see.

“Oh good, Betsy.  I was hoping you would get here soon.” Darcy smiles and motions me forward. “Of course you know Mr. Harrington.”

“Betsy,” Eli smiles and rises from the chair to shake my hand tenderly.  “I’m so glad we’ll be able to work together on this case.”

It’s like, the first time he’s ever acknowledged my presence before.  I always thought about what it would be like when he finally did, that I would get that special tingle inside of me, knowing Preston’s father cared.  But right now, all I want him to do is go far, far away.  I know why he’s here.  The Baxters have money, and obviously have taken the next step when it comes to getting custody of Ava.  He’s their lawyer, probably a good friend of theirs, and has graciously come out of retirement to help them adopt a child.  It’s a huge problem, because I know how good of a lawyer he is.  He taught Preston everything he knows.  “I didn’t know you were running cases anymore, Eli.” I force a smile as I let go of his hand.

“Anything for friends,” he nods.  “Darcy has assured me I’ll have your full attention, but of course, I never doubted that for a moment.”

“Yes,” she speaks up.  “I’ve handed off your other cases to the rest of the staff, Betsy.  The most important thing right now is to focus on the Timberlake case, for the Baxters sake.  We need to win this.”

“We can’t thank you enough for all you’ve been doing, Betsy,” Mrs. Baxter speaks up.  “Darcy has been showing us some of your notes.  It doesn’t seem like Ava’s father has much to go on, and we’re very hopeful. We want to give Ava a good life so badly...we absolutely love her.  She had so much fun this weekend at the house.  I brought pictures.”  

I stare at my boss, as she smiles back at me.  Apparently, she’s taken it upon herself to edit my notes.  I doubt that’s even legal, but apparently it doesn’t matter, because the Baxters have money, and a very expensive lawyer at their disposal now.

I know, even if Justin does everything right...Ava could still be awarded to the them.  They aren’t horrible people.  They actually adopted another child from this place, a little boy named Ben, about six years ago.  They send us pictures of him all the time, showing us how he’s been growing up.  They’ve brought him all over the world, and I know they’re giving him a quality life.  No matter if they’re good friends with Darcy or not, I know they are good parents.  They could give Ava everything she’s ever dreamed of, including a great college education.  It’s a safe play, adopting her out to them.  I know we would never see her in this place again.

But Justin is her father, and he deserves to have her back.  He’s not like the rest.  He’s cleaned himself up, and is trying, so hard, but he can’t compete with millionaires.  I can’t lie to myself, I’ve been in this business too long and I know when a judge considers the best interest of the child, it usually has to do with money and quality of life.  Justin might have enough love to give Ava for a lifetime, but that won’t put food on the table, and it won’t get her through college.

It’s so unfair, and I feel fucking helpless, like I’m going to fail him.

What do I tell him?  I feel like if I’m completely honest, it will kill him, bring him down to his lowest point.  But if I lie...and he’s handed some kind of court summons, he’ll be completely unprepared to deal with it, and blame me...tell me I deceived him.  I couldn’t take that, either.  So now, I’m like...stuck.

“I’ve spoken to the judge,” Eli says.  “She’s agreed to have a hearing next week.  With any luck, we’ll be able to get temporary custody of Ava awarded to the Baxters for the few additional months Mr. Timberlake has left before his custody hearing.”r32;
“Temporary custody?”

“It means she’ll be able to live with the Baxters until the court date,” Darcy explains.  “It will give her a chance to get completely acclimated in their family environment, so when the time comes, you and Eli will have sufficient evidence to present to the court, showing how well Ava is doing in their care.”

“It’s an easy win,” Eli says. “From what I’ve been told, the father is an unemployed junkie.  He should have had his rights terminated long ago, but the judge that presided over his case was sympathetic to him, most likely because of his age.  It won’t be so easy for him this time around.  That judge has since moved to another county, and the new one has been a good friend of the family for years.”

Of course.  I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?

“What about visitation?”

Eli smiles, a greedy, devilish smile, that makes chills run up and down my spine. “Generally when temporary custody is awarded, those visits become monthly, or every other week.  Of course, that’s to our advantage as well.  The less Ava sees her father, the more she will learn to bond with the Baxters.”

“And that’s the way we want things, Betsy,” Darcy chimes in.

“We have so much faith in you, Betsy,” Mr. Baxter says.  He’s a kind hearted man with little wrinkles around his mouth from all the smiling he does.  I’ve seen him interact with Ava before.  I know how much he already loves her...and, he’ll stop at nothing to make her his daughter.  “You’re a godsend.”

I manage to smile.  “I’ll do what I can,” I whisper.

“You’ll probably be able to find Mr. Timberlake easier than one of my people can.” Eli says, handing me a blue piece of paper that’s been folded into thirds.  “If you can serve him with this subpoena, it will get the ball rolling.  We can talk about our strategy more over lunch or dinner this weekend.  You’ll be coming to the house, right? Since Preston is coming home for a visit.”

 For a few moments, I just stare at what he’s handed me.  It might as well be Justin’s happiness resting in my hands, ready to be destroyed by money and power.

“Betsy?”r32;
“Oh, yes.  I’ll be there,” I say it quickly, and when I feel Darcy’s eyes on me, I look at her quickly.  She has a stern expression on her face, and I know that means she can see right through me.  She knows I’m emotional right now and the moment we’re alone, she’s going to let her questions fly at me like daggers.  I know I’m not prepared to answer any of them, but I’m not going to have a choice.

“Why don’t you and Sarah take Ava for the night,” Darcy smiles at the Baxters.  “You can drop her off tomorrow afternoon.  She’s been doing well enough in her classes that she can afford to take the rest of the day off and miss tomorrow, right Betsy?”

“Oh...”  I want to tell her no, only so Ava won’t have to go with them, but then I see the hopeful look on the Baxters faces, and I guess...I like them too much to lie.  “Sure, that’s not a problem.”

Sarah Baxter throws her arms around me, and I try my best to hug her back genuinely.  On the inside I feel so rotten, so deceptive, like I’m stabbing Justin in the gut even if I don’t mean to.  What choice do I have though? It’s either this or lose my job, and Eli’s perception of me.  At this moment, I’m not ready for any of that, even if things with Preston and I aren’t exactly perfect.  A tiny voice in the back of my mind is telling me to suck it up and do what’s right...

But I just can’t seem to build up enough guts, and that makes me a horrible person.

“We’ll see you next week, Betsy.” Mr. Baxter happily shakes my hand as a wide smile breaks out across his face.  “Thank you again for your support.”

“Of course.”

“We’ll see you on the weekend, dear.” Eli nods.

I cringe.

They all leave moments later, being led out of the office by Darcy who continues to laugh and chatter with them, as if taking children away from their parents is such a fun job.  Once they’re finally gone, she closes us into her office once again, and her fake smile fades away to nothing.

“Part of me feels like you weren’t as happy about all this as you should be.” She shoots at me as she crosses the room and sits behind her desk again.  “It’s been over a year Betsy.  Don’t you think it’s time to focus on other cases?”

“Well yes but...I thought we were going to focus on placing Ava after Mr. Timberlake's court date.”

“What would be the point?” She asks me roughly, her eyes searching my expression for the answers I desperately don’t want to give her.  “I’ve already placed one child with the Baxters.  There shouldn’t be a question about this adoption.  It’s open and shut Betsy...unless of course there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“N-no.”

“Your notes seemed awfully simple and straightforward.  In one paragraph, you even went on about how wonderful Justin is with his daughter, so of course I had to modify it.  Have you forgotten what he is?  What he’s done and what he put that poor child through?”

I bite my bottom lip, try not to let my emotions give me away completely.  “People can change.”

“Then he can change without his daughter in his life,” she snaps.  “You’re not becoming emotionally involved with this father of hers are you?”

“Of course not,” I lie.  “I hardly talk to him during the visits.”

She eyes me suspiciously.  “You know, if I were to find out differently, I could mean the end of your career, Betsy.  I’d hate to think about the embarrassment you would be put through.  I’m sure the Harrigton’s wouldn’t take it very well, and that son of theirs well...I doubt he would want to risk his own reputation for the sake of a relationship with a disgrace.  He’s just started his law career, is that right?”

I just stare at her, my eyes locked onto hers in an angry gaze.  She’s fucking threatening me.  “There’s nothing going on.”

“Then you’ll get me an update on Mr. Timberlake’s current residence, before the hearing, I’m sure.  His mother’s address is on there now, but after speaking with her, I learned that she wants nothing to do with him...not that I blame her.”

She’s handing me the file back, and I take it slowly, questioning the sick smile on her face.  “He’s...”

She leans forward.  “I know what you’ve been up to, Betsy.  The very minute I grew suspicious of you, I had you followed.  Living with you...” She trails off and shakes her head in disgust.  “Really, I always knew you were a little too emotional for this job, but I didn’t think you could get anymore pathetic.”

My mouth hangs open.

“Now, you’re going to make sure this case goes exactly like I want it to,” she says slowly, her tone sinister.  “Or I’ll make sure you both go down the worst way possible.  I have no problem finding a way to send him back to prison.  What is it...three strikes you're out? He’s on number two if I remember reading correctly.  One more felony and he goes away for life.  It would be a shame if he got desperate for money, and a large amount of street drugs found their way into his belongings.”

“You’re...you’re sick.” I blurt out.  “You wouldn't...”

She ignores me.  “Pity...he’s so young, and sort of adorable if you forget about the fact that he’s nothing more than a washed up junkie.  It’s no wonder you have a little crush on him...but I guess that stems back to your junkie father, am I right?  You just can’t help yourself, can you Betsy?  Always out to save the world, one drug addict at a time.”

I stand up and look down at her darkly, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes.  “Leave him alone.”

“Then do what you’re told, and don’t think about going to the board with any of this.  They won’t believe you for a second, and I don’t think you could handle the type of repercussions you’d receive afterward.  Maybe you should take the rest of the day to get your head together.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

She looks back to her paperwork, and I know better than to say anything more.

I bang out the door, in tears, knowing that I’m so fucking screwed.  I don’t even know what the hell I’m supposed to do now, because if I try anything, it will mean Justin will suffer for it as well.  There’s really no choice but to be on her side, and Justin will hate me in the end for it.

But if this is what will protect him and keep him out of prison, I guess it’s the only choice I have, even though it’s the most unthinkable one.

Aside from the sock puppets, and the strange clown who kept sounding out the words while I followed along in the reading workbook, it was actually a helpful learning video.  Of course it was for kids, but Collins did what she could, and for that I was thankful.  Once I ran through the video and the work book a few times, I went back to my GED manual, and found that I could read a little bit better.  I’ll keep at it I guess.  Trace can’t come here everyday, and Collins has to work.  

For the first time, I find that I’m able to help myself, and I guess...if it hadn’t been for Collins, I wouldn’t have had a chance in hell.  I’m so thankful for her, more than she knows.  Now with her brother breathing down my neck, of course I can’t be as open or close with her, but I don’t think we were ever meant to be as close as we were getting.  She came into my life for a reason, and once I get Ava back, we’ll both go our separate ways, and I don’t want that to cause her any pain.  It’s only right that I back off.

It’s sad, but at the same time, I know it’s for the best.

Tonight, I’m attempting another incredible feat...cooking dinner.  I can’t remember ever putting together a dinner from scratch before.  Usually I eat something out of a can, or something that can be microwaved.  On my journey around the house today to stretch out my muscles, I came across a collection of cookbooks in the corner of the kitchen counter.  Collins is really into Rachael Ray it seems.  She has about six books by her, but that was good for me, because the print is large, making it easier for me to sound out the words, and it doesn’t take a top chef to put together her recipes.  I picked beef tacos, because all the stuff was in the fridge and the pantry.  I’m broke, so it’s not like I could order her a gift to thank her for everything she’s doing, and I figured making her dinner after a long day at the office would be a nice gesture.

The food is coming along, surprisingly enough.  I haven’t burned the house down, and I’ve only spilled a couple of things on the counter.  Being on crutches has taught me to be a circus side show of sorts.  I can balance myself on one foot better than anybody I know, and I’ve been contemplating putting together a sidewalk show just to see how many people will throw coins in my bucket.  

Seriously, I could so use the extra cash right now.

Around one in the afternoon, the doorbell rang.  I was really hesitant to answer, but after peering out the window for several moments I realized it was just some delivery, and so I signed for it.  It turned out to be a fancy vase filled with two dozen roses.  I put it on the kitchen counter and made sure they had fresh water, before reading the enclosed card.  They were from Preston, as I figured they were.  He wrote this sappy message to Collins about love being patient and kind or some bullshit.  

He probably copied it out of a book, that candy ass.

Still, I won’t say anything.  She loves him, and that’s the end of it...even though she could do a hell of a lot better.

The beef finishes cooking, and I fix the tacos up on two plates, making sure to arrange them nicely along with the rice that I cooked up to go on the side.  I manage to get everything over to the dining room table without dropping it, and set up the silverware, place mats and napkins I found in the hutch against the wall.  I go back and fill a pitcher with some water, and place it on the table with some wine glasses.  For a final touch, I light a couple of candlesticks, and lean back on my crutches once I’m done.  I smile like a fool because I’m so impressed with myself...I’ve never done anything like this before.

It feels...good, even more because I did it for Betsy.

Maybe I should start calling her that more often.

Twenty minutes later I hear the front door slowly open and shut again, and I shift slightly from my place on the couch to spot Betsy walking into the house.  She looks completely worn out, but I’m sure her days at work aren’t the easiest.  “Hey, Betsy.”
r32;She stops, stares at me for a few moments.  She seems almost lost, dazed...and I don’t get it.  “Hey,” she clears her throat a little.  “How...how was your day?”

I pull myself up on my crutches again and make my way over to her.  “Pretty good.  That video is a little scary with all the puppets, but it helped a lot.”  I smile, but when she won’t return it, when she won’t even look at me, I know something is bothering her.  “You okay?”

She nods a little.  “Did you cook or something?”

“Well, I thought I would make dinner.”

She stares at me, bewildered.  “Y-you made dinner?”

“For you.”

“Oh...”  

She walks away from me quickly, but I manage to follow her into the kitchen.  She’s spotted the flowers, and gives the card attached a quick look before shoving it roughly back into the bouquet.

“Preston’s a romantic I guess,” I laugh.  

But she doesn’t say a word.

“Betsy?”

She finally turns around about five minutes later.  Her eyes are glossy, like she’s practically crying, but I don’t know whether it’s my place to get into whatever is going on with her.  Carter wants me to back off, for her own good but...but I can’t stand to see her so defeated.  “You want to talk?”

“Where’s dinner?” She says, forcing her emotions back and smiling for me like everything is perfect.

I narrow my eyes at her.

“Where is it, Justin?”

“Dining room.”

“Well, lets go eat before it gets cold, okay?”

“Sure.”

I watch her walk away from me for a few moments, trying to figure out what the problem is, but I ultimately determine I’m not going to be able to.  Betsy is a closed book, just like I can be, and when she wants to keep something to herself, she succeeds.  With a sigh, I decide to join her at the table, figuring she’ll enjoy my company, even if she doesn’t want to talk to me about her day.

“I can’t believe you did all this.”

She’s standing in the middle of the room when I finally make my way there, surveying the table like she’s never seen anything like it before.  “I just wanted you to come home to a nice dinner,” I say softly, coming up behind her.  “There’s not much else I can really do for you, Betsy...but, I wanted to thank you somehow.”

She turns to me, shaking her head gently.  “You shouldn’t have.  You...you don’t need to thank me.”

“You went out on a limb for me.  You’ve been doing it since day one, Betsy, and while I don’t really get it...I want you to know I appreciate it.  When I have everything in order again, and Ava and I have a normal life together, I’ll always remember it was because of you.”

She only nods, and quietly takes a seat at the table a few moments later.  I eventually do the same, propping my crutches against the wall before hopping over to a chair and sitting down.

“They’re Rachael Ray tacos,” I tell her, as she sits there, pushing her rice around the plate with her fork.  “The print in those cookbooks of hers is really big...easy to read, you know? It took awhile but I gathered all the ingredients up and cooked it just like the book said to.”

She seems to force herself to take a bite.  “It’s really good, Justin,” she says after she chews and swallows.  “I’m impressed.”

I begin to eat too, but then...I see that she’s gone back to pushing her food around, leaning her head against her knuckles, and I just can’t take it anymore.  “Are you gonna tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

She drops her fork and eyes me seriously.  “Eat.”

I sit back and laugh at her bitterly.  “I can’t eat.  You’re confusing the shit out of me.”

She shrugs.  “It’s better if you have a full stomach.”

“For what?”

“Just eat.”

I push my plate away harshly.  “Damn it Collins...”

“Just give me an hour of peace!” She yells.  “Fuck! I don’t want to dive into more misery just yet, is that okay with you?”

“What...”
r32;But she just starts to sob, right there at the table, and shit, I have no idea what to think.  I’ve never seen her do this before.  It’s always been calm, resourceful, brilliant Betsy Collins.  Never the weak one, like Carter told me about.  It’s obvious something went down today, and I have a sick feeling...like I dont’ really want to know the truth.

But I can’t just let her sit here and cry.

“Betsy.”

It’s useless.  She’s too far gone, sobbing so hard that I know she can’t hear me.  I do the only thing that comes to mind, pull my crutches over and get myself up on my good leg again, managing to hobble over to her.  I put a consoling hand on her shoulder, and lean down the best I can so I can be close to her ear.  “It’s gonna be okay.  Look...nothing can be as bad as you think...you know? Look at me.  I mean...”

“Justin this isn’t a joke!”

I back off immediately, staring at her as she looks at me, the tears streaming down her face, her eyes filled with a type of hopelessness I’ve seen in my own from time to time.  “What is it?  Is it Preston?”

“No.”  Her shoulders sag.  She finally seems to give up, and pulls something out of the inside of her blazer, tossing it on the table like she’s had it, like there’s no other choice.  It’s a blue paper, folded neatly into thirds, and I don’t know what to think.

But I know it’s bad.

I lean forward and pick it up, knowing the words are going to take me a little while to sound out and understand, but I’ll try my best, because Collins is in no condition to read it out loud.  I unfold the page, and scan the words, trying my best to make sense of them.  I see my daughters name, a date that I need to appear in court.  Next week.  “What does this mean?”

“It’s a hearing,” she says, sniffling.  “The Baxters are trying to get temporary custody of Ava while your six months is still in effect.  If they win, they’ll fight for full adoption rights at the custody hearing.”

I feel my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.  “Well, you can stop it can’t you?”

She presses her lips together.  “There’s nothing I can do.”

“What...” I trail off and laugh.  “Come on, that’s not true...”r32;

“Look.” She allows her eyes to meet mine again.  “It’s my job.”

“I thought you didn’t care about your job when it comes to Ava and me?”

“I was wrong.  I can’t...I can’t be on your side in that courtroom, Justin.  My boss is depending on me to work the case, and the Baxters...they hired Preston’s father to be their attorney, and he’s expecting me...”

“So that’s what this is about?”  I say darkly.  “You need to be on DCF’s side to suck up to your fucking father in law?”

She looks down at her lap.  “I’ve done everything I could do for you, Justin.  It just wasn’t enough.  There’s things you don’t understand...”

“I understand.  I fucking understand that you were probably plotting to get me cornered all along...fuck....I...I trusted you.  You told me my daughter would be back with me as long as I passed the GED and got a job.  I’m practically there!  I’m fucking....weeks away from getting it all together! How can you let this happen? Now?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?  They’re going to take Ava!  I’ll never seen her again!”

“You need to get yourself a lawyer, Justin.”

“You know I can’t afford that.  You’ve known that all along!  What about the bank? Is that another bullshit scheme? Did you get your brother in on it with you?  I bet he was going to make it look like I couldn’t pass a drug test so I’d get thrown in jail and lose everything, right?”

“Carter has nothing to do with this.  He wants you to have that job. It’s the state, Justin...DCF.  They’re heartless, and they only see things like they want to see them.  I’m...I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you all of this, but just...please try to get some kind of council.”r32;

“Before next Wednesday?  Have you lost your damn mind, Betsy?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!” She begins to sob again.  “I...damn it, Justin.  I care about you! I care about you so much, but there’s nothing I can do to stop any of this from happening! I know you hate me! I know!  I wish I could change how things are, but I can’t.  I have to work the case.”

“You care about me but you have to work against me,” I whisper.  “I’m just supposed to miraculously understand all that, huh?  Just let you snatch my daughter out from under me like it doesn’t even matter.  I’ve been killing myself to get her back.”

She hangs her head sorrowfully.  

“I’ll pack tonight and figure out what I’m doing in the morning.  You know, Carter told me not to get close to you,” I say, bitterly.  “Now I guess I know why.”

I start hobbling away from her, trying my best not to break down, and trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do, where the hell I’m going to go.  It’s like a big fucking circle.  I’m back to the same place I was before I got jumped in that alley.  I’m fucking scared.  I have no idea what’s going to happen to me, or what lies in store for my daughter...

“Justin.”

My hand is on the doorknob when I hear her behind me, but I don’t look back.  I can’t.  It’s too painful.  I should have listened to Trace, shouldn’t have let my emotions take over.  I should have known better.

“Justin...wait okay?”

“Get the hell away from me, Collins.”  I make my way over to the bed, and toss the crutches aside, not being able to help but notice her standing there, her face still stained with tears.  But I don’t care.  I don’t care if she’s sad, because my life has just been fucked again, not hers.  She knows nothing of what it’s like to suffer every day, blame yourself for ruining your kids future, constantly wondering if you’ll go back on the drugs just to get away from fucking problem after problem.  Even now, I wish I had a hit.  Just one hit, to make this all seem nonexistent for a while.

But I won’t do it.  I owe myself more than that.

“It’s my boss,” she continues, even though I’m doing my best to pretend she’s not there.  “She...she knows what’s been going on...she had me followed.  She knows everything, and she told me if I don’t work the case like she wants, she’ll find a way to put you back in prison...for good.  I’m trying to protect you.”

“That’s horse shit.”

“I’m not lying to you!”

I finally look at her again, and by the stern, determined look on her face I can tell that...she might be telling the truth.  But it’s crazy.  So what if her boss knows I’m staying here? How could that land me in jail?  “She’s feeding you a bunch of shit then.”

“She’s the head of Child Protective Services, Justin.  Her resources are unlimited.  She could find a way to put you back in jail if she really wanted to.”

It’s silent for a long time.  I’m still trying to get over the shock of it, of Collins, trying to figure out if she’s being honest with me or not.  But really, when has she ever lied to me before? She was trying to before, in the dining room, but now she knows that it was a bad idea.  I look at her again, but this time, I see my friend standing there and not my enemy.  “So what happens now?”

She sighs and slowly makes her way over so she can sit next to me on the bed.  “I don’t know.  I just...I don’t want anything to happen to you.  I couldn’t live with myself.”

“I don’t want Ava getting handed over to those people.  I won’t let it happen.  I’ll go over to the center and take her away myself.”

“And they’ll find you and arrest you.”

I run my hands through my hair and rub my face harshly.  “Please help me Betsy.  I don’t know what the fuck to do.  I can’t do this without you.”

This time it’s me who’s in tears, but she doesn’t say anything about it.  She only puts her hand in mine, and squeezes, while putting her other hand on my face, caressing it gently.  I stare back into those eyes of hers, the ones I’ve come to know so well.  I’ve put my faith in them...in her, because she’s the only woman who’s ever seemed to care about me, put her own life on hold, just to make sure I was taken care of.  She’s selfless...and I guess I care about her a lot.  More than I let on, even to myself.  

“I don’t want you to do it without me,” she whispers.  “I’ll...I’ll figure out something.  Carter might know somebody.  I just can’t let my boss find out or...I don’t want to think about what she might do.”

I nod slightly.  “I’m sorry...I...”

“Sh.”  She presses a finger to my lips and gives me a sad little smile.  “It doesn’t matter.”

I don’t know what else to do, except hug her and let her know how much everything she’s doing means to me.  We hold each other for a long time, and at some points, we’re both crying, trying our best to get each other through this somehow.  Then we break apart and stare at each other, lost in each other eyes and emotions.  Then something kind of snaps inside of me.  Like a barrier falling apart, allowing a part of myself that’s been hidden away for so long to escape.  “Can I kiss you.” I feel the words float off of my tongue, like a dream, and I know I mean them.

“I...”  She smoothes her thumb over my cheek, reaches up with her other hand and runs it over the back of my neck.  “Yes.”

I don’t think, just let the adrenaline propel me forward.  Then my lips land on hers, and it’s like...this indescribable high.  It’s not something you could achieve, even with the most powerful narcotic on the planet.  No, this is raw, true emotion, ripping through our bodies, finally giving in to the subtle temptations that have always been there since the day we laid eyes on each other.

And I know I’ve lost Carter’s game, but it’s not because of Betsy.

It’s because of me.

Because I know that I’ve fallen in love with her.

“Justin.” She pulls back from me suddenly, her eyes wide, as if she’s committed some kind of criminal act.  “I...we can’t...”

“Let me,” I say desperately.

She doesn’t hesitate, just slams her lips into mine, pulling me into a long, deep kiss.  She can’t seem to stop herself after that.

And I can’t either.

Maybe it was dinner that put me over the top.  The fact that Justin made an effort with my Rachael Ray cookbooks, even though his leg was in a cast, was absolutely over the top for somebody like him.  That rough side of him, that outcasted part of his soul, is slowly bouncing back.  He’s learning how to live...how to care about somebody all over again.  

It’s just unfortunate that the somebody has to be me.  Carter warned me of course, but I didn’t listen.  I haven’t figured out if this is going to turn into a big mess or not.  I may be engaged, but at this point, I have no idea what the status of my relationship with Preston is.  Even if he didn’t cheat on me, it’s more than obvious that he’s changed from the guy I used to know...and maybe, I’ve changed a lot too, become a lot stronger than the vulnerable girl that was swept off her feet by him on the first try.

Oh yeah, and I guess...I’ve cheated on him now to top it off.  It doesn’t feel that way though.  It feels like I did the right thing, and I can’t understand why.

Being in his arms is bliss, even though it’s so damn sinful at the same time.  I’ve watched him sleep before, but never like this.  His lips are curved upward in a small smile, as he dreams of me, of what we’ve done, and I know he’s never been more at peace than he is right now.  It was all so fast, a damn whirlwind.  One second we were kissing and the next...my clothes were coming off, piece by piece, as his kisses traveled from my lips, down to my neck, finally resting on my shoulder.  I was down to my bra and panties before I reached up and pulled his shirt over his head.  Then it was done, and I guess we both knew there was no sense turning back.  I managed to get his jeans off, being careful not to pull too hard on his bad leg.  The boxers were easier, sliding right off of him.  When I straddled him he unhooked my bra and flung it off as he kissed me harshly, begging me for sex.

And so I gave it to him.

I don’t know how many times we did it.  Justin only stopped because he was completely worn out, and said his leg was aching.  It got me to laugh, kiss his head gently, and tell him to relax.  He pulled me into his arms, right up against his chest, and brushed his lips over my forehead and hair before closing his eyes.  His heart was racing, throbbing against me, and I knew the adrenaline was far from out of him.  There would be more to come later, I was sure.

But as I’m lying here now, collecting myself, I know this can’t last, and that Justin is smart enough to know that too.

It’s been hours.  I passed out for a while, woke up a few minutes ago.  As I glance out the bedroom window, I can see the sun start to peek up over the Hollywood Hills, and I know I’ll have to get up and start my day all too soon.  I’d rather not.  I’d rather call my life off today and lay in Justin’s arms instead...only, that can’t be.

Because we can’t be.

Justin’s eyes slide open a crack, and when he finds me staring back at him, a tired smile takes over his expression.  “Is it mornin’?”

“Almost,” I smirk.

He kisses me gently.  “Did you sleep?”

“Some.”

He stares at me for a long moment, his eyes fully open now, and rubs his thumb across my cheek, smiling at something only he can understand.  “We can’t do this again, can we?”

I take in a small breath.  “No.”

“I need to find a place to go.  Things might get...weird, otherwise, and with this hearing coming up I have to be at my best.  No offense.”

He’s right.

“I’ll make some calls this week, and push a little harder this time,” I say, not meeting his gaze.  “I...I know it’s the best thing for both of us.”

“Yeah.”

He doesn’t let go of me though, just continues to caress my face and run his hand through my hair as he gazes at me intensely, like he wants to remember this moment forever.  I’ll let him, because I know...I want to do the same thing.

“You’re beautiful, Betsy,” he whispers.  “Inside and out.  I just hope that Preston knows that too.”

“We’ll see,” I say sadly.

“Are you going to go through with it...the wedding?”

“I...I don’t know.”

He presses his lips to my forehead, letting them linger there for several minutes, and I know...it’ll be the last time I feel them against my skin.  “No matter what you decide, just make sure you do it for the right reasons, okay?”

I nod a little, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes.  He finally lets me go after that, shifting over slightly in the bed, because he knows that was it...it’s over.

It’s heartbreaking.

I mean, I thought it would just be a casual thing.  But it’s not that at all.  It’s more, because I feel more, deep down inside of me.  I feel like I’ve known him forever, and we’ve just reconnected.  I don’t want to let go...

But I don’t have a choice.

“Carter told me a little bit about your father,” he says gently, before I can get out of the bed.  

“How much?”

“Just that you feel guilty...about not being there for him, and it’s why you’re hellbent on saving everybody else from the same thing, including me.  Not that I mind...” he trails off and smiles.  “I’d be nowhere without you.  But, you can’t continue to can’t blame yourself, it’s not good for you.  You deserve to put it all behind you and be happy.”

I sigh.  He doesn’t know the half of it, and Carter wouldn’t have told him the full story.  He doesn’t share that part of our lives with anybody besides his wife.  It’s just easier that way, and I feel the same way.  But I guess...these circumstances are a little different, and it’s time that Justin knows my full story, no matter how awkward it will be afterward.  

“He’s a heroin addict.  I mean, he’s clean now, but only because they force him to stay that way.  Our mother died from pregnancy complications.  It pretty much broke dad apart, and he was high most of my life, before the state took us away from him.  Carter got the worst of it.  Dad left me alone, but beat on Carter whenever he was using.  When we were nine he decided he couldn’t take it anymore, so he ran away.  When he got picked up by the cops, he got placed in DCF’s care, and sent them after me next.  I was so young, I couldn’t understand how dangerous it was to be living with my father.  All I kept thinking was it was my fault he got arrested that day, and...when he signed Carter and I over to the state, I was convinced that he abandoned us because of me.  We were adopted by great people a couple of years later.  They’re the best parents Carter and I could have asked for but...there’s a part of me that wishes I could have been raised by my real father.  You understand.”

“I do,” he says it seriously, before reaching out and caressing my face again, his eyes full of understanding, and sadness.  “So where is he now?”

“At a rehab center in Bakersfield.  It’s about two hours away.  Carter goes up to visit once a month, but...I won’t.  I haven’t seen him since I was about eleven.”

“Maybe you should.  It might be good to get some closure so you won’t try so hard to save the world all the time.  There’s more to life, you know,” he laughs.  “You gotta get out there and live without all that guilt.”

“You sound like Carter.” I smile and roll my eyes.  “I’ll go when I’m ready.”

“Why don’t you take a sick day today and go up there?”

I stare at him, dumbfounded.  I mean, I get why he’s bringing it all up.  Something pretty crazy happened last night, and it’s only logical that he would want to get this all out in the open before our lives start up again.  “I cant...go there.”

“What’s stopping you?”r32;
“I just can’t.”  I try to pull away from him, but he won’t let go.  “Justin...”r32;
“Look, would you want Ava to do that with me...if something happened and I lost her?  What if I went back to the drugs?”

“But you wouldn’t do that...”r32;
“Just say I did,” he pushes.  “Would you want her to resent me for the rest of her life?”

“Well, no...”

“Then you should go up there and talk to the guy, before your life gets so busy and frustrating that you miss your chance.”

“I can’t do it alone, and I love my brother...I do, but I know if I made the trip with him, he’d rag on me the whole time about what I should and shouldn’t say to him.  I haven’t even told Preston the whole story, so asking him to go there with me is out too, because I know I wouldn’t be able to be myself if he was there. I just...if I do visit him, I want to feel completely comfortable.  I don’t want to have to hold back anything.”

“I’d go with you.”

“Why would you come with me?”

“Because I care about you, Betsy.  I’d do anything for you, and you need me to do this.  I know you do.  Consider it pay back part two, without the porn.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I speak the truth.”

He’s smiling at me genuinely, and I know he’s not playing around.  He really would make that trip up to Bakersfield with me, because he cares that much, and I guess having him by my side would put my mind a lot more at ease.  He wouldn’t pressure me, or make me feel awkward.  We’d probably just talk and joke about stupid crap on the way up there...like two friends going on a road trip.

But can I really face my father after all these years? Am I ready?  Has he really changed for the better like Carter keeps telling me?

There’s only one way to know for sure, and shit...the last place I want to be today is at work, anyway.  I doubt Darcy would make a big issue out of it if I missed, only because of the way she spoke to me yesterday.  For the first time in years I really don’t have an excuse.  I know I should take Justin’s advice and go up there, before it’s too late.

“You’re sure you’re up to going?” I finally ask him.

“What else do I have to do?  I’m halfway to losing my kid, Betsy.  I think I could use a good road trip to clear my mind before the hell starts.”

“Me too.”

He grins.  “Then lets do it.”
********
This rehab facility is a lot nicer than the one I was in, but I know why.  This is for long term patients.  People that feel they are beyond hope...that if they’re left to their own devices they won’t have a choice to go back, to use, because it’s all they know.  It’s an unfortunate, sad existence, and I guess I know how lucky I am.  Lucky, because I can hold my head up high, and know in my heart that drugs are no longer a part of my life.  

Lucky, because I have her by my side, even if it’s only for a little while.

The ride up here was nice.  Betsy and I talked most of the way, trying our best to keep the topics light and stress free.  After last night, I think we both knew we had to, otherwise we would end up in some weird fight about why we can’t be together.  I mean, I know we can’t be.  Our lives are too complicated right now.  Although, if there was even a glint of a chance that a relationship between us would work right now, I know I would ask her to be with me.  I just can’t though.  I can’t handle her telling me no.  Not at this critical stage of my life.

I have to let her go, and that’s a horrible reality to face, but I know we’ll be better off for it.

This is like my farewell to her in a way.  I knew she wouldn’t be able to make this trip with anybody else, and even though she tries to act like she doesn’t care about her father all that much...I can tell she does.  I can see it in her eyes.  Her eyes always give her away, even when she’s trying her best to hide her emotions.  It’s one of the things that drives me crazy about her.

“I think we should leave.”

I look over at her and sigh, before taking her hand and lacing my fingers through hers.  “We aren’t leaving.”

“He’s not even coming out.”

“Betsy, they just went to get him.”

She runs her free hand through her hair, before looking down at our intertwined hands.  “What if he doesn’t want to see me?” she croaks.  “What if...what if he blames me for everything?”

I shake my head slightly.  “He won’t blame you for anything.  I’m sure he’s been waiting a long time, wondering if you hate him or not.  He’ll want to see you and talk to you.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

She’s staring at me, like I’m supposed to have all the answers, like she’s putting every ounce of her faith in me right now.  I don’t think anybody has ever needed me as badly as she does right now, and it only proves to me more why she loves me, and why I love her.  “Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

She leans in next, doing what we promised each other we would stop doing just this morning.  Her lips brush against mine, and I hold her close to me as I kiss her back.  I can’t help it.  I care about her too much to stop.  “Betsy...”  I breathe out, finally.  “We agreed.”

“I know.  I’m...I’m sorry.”  She pulls away from me and wipes her mouth a little.  

I sigh.

“Is that you Betsy?”

We both look up at the same time.  I recognize the man standing before us right away, from the picture in Carter’s living room.  He looks the same, long chestnut hair pulled back in a sloppy pony tale, his baggy jeans and oversized plaid button down shirt hanging off of his frail frame.  He looks like he’s been in recovery mode for years, and I can tell how much the drugs wore him down.   He’s worse off than me, which means he was stoned through the majority of his life.  It’s how I would look if I hadn’t stopped using, and I guess...I should be thankful that I stopped more than anything else.

“Hi,” she says softly.

I let go of her, and urge her to stand up so she can go over to him.

But she’s stiff, frozen in place.  

“You the fella she’s marrying then?” He says, directing his question at me this time.

“Not exactly,” I laugh as I pull myself to my feet with my crutches, and get myself across the room to shake his hand.  “Just a friend.  I’m Justin.”

“Thomas.” He shakes it back and flashes me a golden yellow smile.  “You have a good ride up here?”

“It was decent,” I say softly, and look back over my shoulder.  Betsy still hasn’t gotten up, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.  He’s not my father, I don’t know the guy at all, and I’m a little uncomfortable.  

“You drag her up here, kicking and screamin’ or somethin’?” He whispers it in my ear.  “Carter’s been trying to get her here for years.”

“I came on my own.”

She’s next to me now, and I sigh with relief.  “Why don’t you guys go have a talk?  I’ll wait for you here.”

She looks at me, her eyes wide, begging me not to.  But the thing is, if I stay, how is she ever going to be able to talk to the guy one on one?  That was the point of the trip.  It wasn’t to get her father and I acquainted, and I have no place in the conversation.  “Go on,” I smirk at her.  “I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Her father extends his hand to her then, and it takes her a good couple of minutes before she finally accepts it, and they walk away together.  I smile to myself as I take my seat again.  I feel reassured that he’s got his head together enough where they’ll be able to talk, and Betsy will be at peace with herself now.  I know this could change her whole attitude, make her a lot happier, and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted for her.

I pull out my GED workbook again, knowing I’ll be able to get a lot covered in the few hours Betsy is going to be spending here.  I’m okay with that, because I know next week I’ll be so on edge I won’t have time to focus on anything else except Ava.

“Justin...is...is that you?”

I look up from my book slowly, knowing I recognize the voice, but not wanting it to be true at the same time.  When I realize I’m right though, I quickly put my book down and stare at her.  It’s not the same woman I remember, though.  She’s not shot up full of heroin.  Her eyes aren’t sunken into her skull like two deep holes, and those scabs around her mouth aren’t there.  She looks like a person, just like I do.  Even though, she's still frighteningly pale, very frail, like she has no energy at all.

I never thought that this would be the next time we would meet, and I have no idea what to expect.  It’s been years.  Years of resentment towards her, for leaving me all alone with our baby.  I want to be angry, ask her why she couldn’t have stuck around to help.  At the same time though, I know that if she did stick around, we would have just continued to get high together.  Ava would have been taken away no matter what.  “Hey, Deb.”

She draws closer to me, tears glistening in her eyes.  “What...what are you doing here?”

I cross my arms.  “I took a friend to see her father.  What about you?”

“I...I’ve been here for a few months.  Trying to get clean, you know?  They say it’ll probably take a year or so.”

I nod, and look down at the ground.

“How...how is Ava?”

“A ward of the state, at the moment.”

“Oh God, Justin.”

I look up at her quickly.  “You left.  I couldn’t get clean on my own, but at least I tried.  I’m still trying, Deb.  I see her on the weekends, at least...and if luck is on my side, I’ll have her back with me in a couple of months.”

She nods in understanding.  “What happened to your leg?”

“I got into a little trouble.  I’ll be fine.  I get a walking cast, end of next week.”

“Are you clean?”

I huff, and smile.  “It’s been about two years now.”

“Well that’s...that’s really great,” she says, nervously.  “I always hoped you would land on your feet, J.”

“Yeah.”  

She walks over slowly, and takes a seat beside me.  “I’ve actually been trying to get in touch with you for a few months now.  I found your mom’s number a while back but she said that she wasn’t in touch with you anymore.”

“She’d be right.”

“Justin I...there’s something you need to know.”

“Why’d you leave?” I ask her, before she can continue.  “I mean, you just up and left one day.”

“I didn’t want to leave her,” she whimpers.  “But I couldn’t...I couldn’t live like that.  I needed to get my fix, everyday, and I knew the only way to do that was by getting pimped up again.  I’m...so sorry, Justin.  I’m sorry for getting you wrapped up in it.  Maybe you would have been able to get clean sooner if I hadn’t influenced you so much.”

“My addiction was my own fault,” I tell her, because it was something I learned when I first started rehab.  “I just wish that you might have taken a little more responsibility for your daughter.  I went to prison, and I couldn’t find you.  Maybe if I had, Ava wouldn’t have been taken by the state.”

“I couldn’t have taken her,” she says, sorrowfully.  “I was heavy into drugs.  I think...heavier than even you ever were.  It took a lot to make me wake up, and now...I just want to get clean so I can enjoy what I have left.”

“What you have left?”

“Justin...I...I have AIDS.”

I’m silent for a really long time.  I can’t say it surprises me.  Deb was always into sharing, which was something I was never cool with.  Even when I was at my most desperate stage of withdrawal because I hadn’t been able to afford my drugs that week, I refused to put somebody else’s needle in my arm.  I guess I would have rather lived another day, even if I couldn’t have my drugs.  “How long do you have?”

“They’re not sure.  They say I might make it to the end of the year, but the drugs...you know, they messed up my body so much that the disease is killing me quicker than it normally would.  That’s part of the reason I’m here.  They told me that I can stay here and get clean, and they’ll take care of me until...you know.”

I nod, and rub my face with one of my hands.  “Shit.”

“You have to get her back, Justin.”

I look at her suddenly, and for the first time, I see a sense of caring in her eyes.  Of course, she always loved Ava, but the drugs made her numb to her emotions, and she couldn’t care about her like she does now.  “I’m working on it.  I have to pass the GED, and I have a job lined up once that happens.  There’s some people...they want her too, and they have money and an expensive lawyer, not to mention the full support of DCF.  It’s not going to be easy, but I have some support.”

She presses her lips together.  “I...I have somebody that can help you.”

I laugh.  One thing Deb was never good at, was being reliable.  “If it’s one of your so called connections...”r32;

“My life isn’t like that anymore,” she says roughly.

And I know she’s not lying.  “Who?”

“He’s a man I met, before I came here.  We fell in love but, we knew it wasn’t meant to be.  I already knew I was sick, and so...he’s just been there for me ever since.  He’s paid my way in here, and he knows about Ava.  I know he’d be willing to help you get her back...he has money.  You just tell me what you need...”r32;r32;

“I don’t need your fuckin’ charity,” I say darkly.  Sure, she’s sick and I feel horrible just because Ava will never be able to have a relationship with her mother now...but that doesn’t mean I trust her, or that I can warm up to her after all these years.  “I made it this far, I can go the rest of the way.”

“Being your usual stubborn ass self would be fine normally, but this is for Ava.  My God Justin, I’m dying.  At least let me die knowing that she’s going to be taken care of by her father and not a couple of yuppies.  There’s nobody else on this planet that loves that little girl more than you.  I saw it the first time you held her in your arms.  That’s why I left.  I knew she would be safe with you.”

I feel the smirk pulling at my lips.  It’s the Deb I remember meeting for the first time, before I knew what she was like when she was completely stoned.  She was always strong willed when the drugs weren’t fucking with her head, never let anybody stand in her way, and I know right now she’s become that person again.  She only wants what’s best for Ava too, and I know I owe it to Deb, because while I could never be in love with her, nothing will ever change the fact that she gave Ava life.  For that, we’ll always have a bond.  

“I need a decent two bedroom apartment,” I finally say.  “In a good area.  It will have to be furnished, and Ava’s bedroom will have to be perfect.  She’ll need clothes and a few other things too.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“I just...” I trail off and sigh, before looking her right in the eyes.  “Deb...thank you.”

“Just promise me one thing.”

I shrug.  “Anything.”

“Let me see my baby one last time, before I die.”

“I can’t believe you went up there without me.”

I roll my eyes in the mirror and continue to apply my makeup.  “It was better that I did.”

“Why?” He says, obviously distraught.  “I always thought it would be like...a family thing.”

“Oh, because we’re one big happy family, right?” I laugh.  “Carter, you try to hide it, but I know that’s been like, your ultimate goal ever since you paid dad’s way into Bakersfield Rehab, getting us all together like we’re the Brady Bunch or something.  It’s not happening anytime soon.  We talked, and...it was good, but don’t expect me to go back for a visit anytime soon.  I have too much going on.”

“What about the wedding?”

“We discussed it.”

“And?”

“If I get married, he’ll be there.” I smile and pull back from the mirror, turning to face him once again.  He looks completely shocked, and I know he doesn’t get my mood.  He wouldn’t though.  While we’re twins, and as close as two siblings can be, our personalities are completely opposite.    “We have an understanding now.” I cross the room so I can sit down on the bed with him.  “It’s not as complex as the relationship you have with him, Carter.  It will never be.”

He finishes straightening his tie, his mouth hanging half open the entire time.  “I-I still can’t believe Justin talked you into it.  I’ve been doing the same thing for years.  What did I do wrong?”

“God, nothing...” I sigh and kiss his cheek.  “Carter it...it wasn’t anything you could have done.  It was just easier for me to take the trip with somebody that was removed from the family.  I knew you would nag me to death.”

“I wouldn’t have...”

“Carter.” I narrow my eyes.

“Well, it’s only because I care,” he pouts.

“I know.”

It was good.  I mean, as good as it could be, since I hadn’t seen him since I was just a kid.  While he’s not using anymore, it was more than obvious that a lifetime of drug use had taken it’s toll on my father, mentally.  He’s very...out there.  I guess they would call it being burned out.  He’ll pause sometimes in the middle of a sentence, forget what he was saying, and he’s forgotten almost everything about my childhood.  Even the bad things.  It’s like he’s blocked that entire part of his life out, and I know if I had taken a few minutes to talk to his therapists they probably could have explained it all to me, but I wasn’t ready to go there.  I was content talking to my father the way he was, because I didn’t have to remember the bad things. I finally understood why it was so much easier for Carter to go visit him.  He’d put the past behind him too, and since dad couldn’t seem to remember any of it, it was as if he’d gotten himself a brand new father.  Bad? Oh yeah, but this is the best we’re going to do.

I mean, we have real parents, that care about us.  I think that was the biggest thing I learned from the visit.  No matter how bad of a parent our father had been, he still managed to give us a new life...a good life, and I couldn’t take that for granted anymore.

That meant I couldn’t try to save the world anymore, either.

So I’ve decided, after Justin’s case is over with, no matter the outcome, I’m putting in my resignation.  While working for DCF has it’s fulfilling moments, it’s not worth the heartache, or the politics anymore.  At least for me.  I think I’ll take Carter’s advice, look for work in the school system where I can go home at the end of the day and sleep at night.

“And what do you mean, if you get married?” Carter scoffs as he rises off the bed.  “We’re leaving to pick up your fiance from the airport right now, not to mention...we’re meeting up with mom, dad and your damn in-laws for dinner after that.”

I shrug.  “I have to figure out a few things, that’s all.”

“A few things?”

I walk out of the room though, because I can’t explain myself to him anymore.  Of course he doesn’t know about what happened between Justin and I.  I didn’t want to tell him, because he’s my brother and I’d really prefer not to share details of my sex life with him, if I can help it.  It’s still hitting me hard of course, what we did.  Not because it feels wrong, but because I know I’m still not over it...the feelings I have for him.  If things were different I’d love to throw my current situation to the side and be with him forever.  As messed up as he is, I feel better when I’m with Justin.

He makes me forget everything, makes me feel free, and when he looks into my eyes and smiles, he takes my breath away more so than Preston ever has.  I know I love him...

It just sucks that I can’t make it a reality.

On the way back from Bakersfield, he told me that he ran into Ava’s mother.  Apparently, she’s a patient there too.  I was shocked, and asked him why he hadn’t introduced me to her.  He just got quiet though, and told me it wasn’t the right time.  I didn’t question it further, because I knew it was a sensitive subject.  I was only afraid she was going to make the situation worse and try to get custody or something.  Justin only chuckled, and told me it wasn’t going to happen.

“Why? She’s her mother...she would have a good chance...”

“She has AIDS,” he said, softly.  “It’s full blown.  She has a few months left, maybe less.”

“I’m...Justin, God.  I’m sorry.”

He shook his head.  “She wants to help.”

“How?”

“She has a friend.  He has money, and she told me he might help me get an apartment.  If I can get in before I start working...I might have a little more of a chance in court.”

“And you trust her?”

“She’s dying.  I don’t think I have a reason not to.  At this point, she just wants to know that Ava will be taken care of when she’s gone.”

He was looking at me desperately, asking me to agree with him.  To tell him that it was the right decision.  Of course I wasn’t sure.  The most I knew about her was that she abandoned Justin and Ava years ago.  Still, he seemed confident in her.  He wasn’t confident about too many things in his life, and so, I knew I needed to support him and tell him to take the help while she was still able to give it to him.  “I think it’s a good thing...that she wants to help.  Just be careful.”

He nodded.  “I need you to do something for me then.”

I gripped the steering wheel a little bit tighter.  “What is it?”

“Ava needs to see her before she passes away.  Sooner is better...if you can manage it.”

“I’ll make sure it happens.”

He smiled tightly, before looking out his window.  He was silent the rest of the trip home, but I knew he needed time to think about things.  It was a big deal...him seeing his ex like that, especially since she was sick.  I wanted to comfort him, but honestly, I had no idea what to say.  To think, I thought that ride home would have consisted of me giving him details about seeing my father.  Only, he didn’t say a thing about it.  I think he could tell it went well though, and he was too overwhelmed to talk about it with me.

I’m not sure, but I don’t think he’s ever dealt with death before.  Not with somebody that was a big part of his life at one time.  I don’t know how he’ll handle it when it finally happens, and that scares me, but at the same time, I know he’ll push himself to keep his head for Ava.  I guess that’s one thing that he has going for him, and...I’m going to do what I have to, to make sure the Baxters don’t get her.  My only issue, is not knowing what kind of tricks Darcy has up her sleeve.

I’m just going to have to outsmart her.  Beat her at her own game.  I’ll do it to the best of my ability, too, for Justin’s sake.  If we can’t be together, it’s probably the next best thing.  I checked him into a Hilton last night, making sure he had everything he needed, including money for food for the next couple of days, before telling him I would see him on Monday.  He was forcing pleasantries, as he’d been ever since we came back from Bakersfield.  I tried to reason with him before I left too, asked him to talk to me if there was something bothering him.

“I just need to think about some stuff,” he told me, forcing a smile.  “Just go ahead...go be with your family, Betsy.  I’ll be okay.”

I knew he was lying, that he needed somebody, but he wouldn’t have asked me to stay.  He knew I had a life waiting for me, one without him, and that was how things had to be.  “Just call my cell if you need me.  Don’t worry about the charges, okay?  I’ll come right away.”

But he only nodded.  “Night, Collins.”

I left with an uneasy feeling inside of me, and I didn’t sleep.  I wanted to call him in the morning, but my parents and Preston were arriving later on, and Sandra picked me up at the house early to have brunch and discuss our lives for a while.  Let me just say, it was extremely difficult to pretend I gave a fuck.  Hell, all I could think about was Justin and I still can’t figure out if that’s selfish of me or not.  Maybe not, considering Sandra is the most self absorbed person on the planet.  My poor parents.  They’ll probably want to write me off the adoption papers by the end of all this.

“C’mon, we gotta go.” Carter rushes past me, breaking me from my thoughts, and opens the front door.  “Can’t keep King Preston waiting.”

I roll my eyes.  “I can pick him up myself if you want, Carter.”

“It’s fine.  I have a running pool going at work.  Everybody is trying to guess which name he’ll call me when he gets off the plane.  So far, Cameron is the most popular choice.  I’m buying all the winners lunch for a week.  It boosts morale.”

I groan harshly, and shove past him, while he laughs to himself.  “Jerk.”

“So where’d you hole Justin up for the weekend?” Carter asks me, once we’re on the road.  

“He’s at the Hilton, downtown.”

“Kinda pricey.”

I shrug.  “It’s worth it.”

“How’s he doing?”

“I don’t know.  I mean, physically he’s doing a lot better than he was, but when we went up to see dad the other day, he ran into his ex...his daughters mother.  She’s a patient there too.  They hadn’t seen each other in years and I guess it would have been fine but...she’s sick.  She has AIDS, and it’s killing her quickly.  She has a few months left.  I think the news hit him pretty hard.”

“Whoa.  That’s deep.”

“Yeah.”

“You think he’ll be okay...I mean, for the job interview?”

“I hope so.”

He’s silent.  He knows that it’s a big deal, just like I do, only he’s just as clueless as I am of how to help.  It’s not really his problem of course, but that’s how Carter is.  My problems usually become his, and vice versa.  “He needs a lawyer,” I say after a while.  “I was meaning to ask if you knew anybody that would take a pro bono case.”

“I thought he had one?”

“Just a social worker.  The people that are trying to adopt his daughter have petitioned for a hearing to seek temporary custody.  It’s Wednesday, and I know it’s short notice but...I just thought...”

“Why don’t you ask Preston?” He smirks.

I quickly look away from him.  I can’t let him find out what happened...that Justin and I spent the night together.  “Eli is the lawyer for that family...the Baxters.  It would be weird.”

“Well, if he loves you so much, he’ll do it.  Just ask him.”

“Carter...I can’t.”

“Why,” he laughs.  “You afraid he’ll find out the truth?”

“The truth?”

“C’mon, Bets,” he says softly.  “I can tell you and Justin are messing around.  I’ve kept my mouth shut about it, only because I think he’s a decent guy who cares about you a lot.  Although, I should beat his ass for breaking his promise to me.”

“Promise, Carter? Did you lecture him?”

“Notice how you didn’t deny what I just said,” he smiles.

I run my hands through my hair, completely defeated.  I hate him sometimes, how he can outsmart me like that.  I want to slap him, but I know that would be pointless.  No random act of violence can change the facts.  And the fact is...I slept with Justin.  “It just happened.”

“Well, Preston is a dick, so I’m glad it did, and I guess I have a renewed sense of respect for Justin too.  I gave him one of those all powerful lectures I’m so famous for, and he completely disregarded everything I said, because he cares about you too much.  I say, can this Preston asshole, and go tell the guy you love him, Bets.”

“I never said that...that I’m in love with him.”

“You didn’t have to.”  He focuses back on the road.  “Look Betsy, I only said what I said to him because I was afraid you would fall for him and he wouldn’t feel the same way, but I guess...after that whole conversation, I knew how much he cared about you.  He’s a decent guy, and when he fixes his life, he’ll probably turn into the type of guy that you always should have been with.  I’m not telling you what to do with your life or anything.  I know Preston can take care of you and make you happy whenever he’s not out conquering the world, but...I guess I’d really like to see you settled down with somebody who’s in love with you as much as you’re in love with them.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Just...blow off Preston?”

“That’s up to you, isn’t it?  He certainly has no problem blowing you off a few months before your wedding.”

“It’s business.”

“Is it?  You seemed pretty convinced he was doing some extracurriculars the other day.”

“He told me he wasn’t.  I talked to him about it.  That’s why he’s coming home...so we can talk all of this over.”

“Okay, so say he didn’t do anything wrong.  You still did.  Are you going to tell him?”

I stare at my brother, at a loss for words.  I never really thought about it.  I just figured what Justin and I did was done, and we were both moving on with our lives.  Telling Preston about what I did hadn’t even crossed my mind until right now.  “I don’t know what I’m doing, Carter.”

“If I buy a tux and you back out, I’ll make you pay me back every cent,” he laughs.

“It’s a deal.  Make sure you get it on sale.”

His laughter dies away after a few moments.  The signs for LAX are looming above us, and I know he’s trying to compose himself for what’s coming when we arrive at the airport.  “I know my head teller has a brother that just got out of law school.  I’ll talk to her on Monday, how’s that sound?”

“Would you do that?”

“You know I would, Bets.”

I smile slightly.  “It means a lot.”

He nods.  “Just make sure he’s ready for the interview.  I talked to my boss.  He said he wants to meet Justin first before he makes any decisions.  How long do you think it’ll be before he can take that test and pass it?”

“If I push him...maybe two weeks before he’s ready, but it can take another month to get the scores back, unless I make a few phone calls and do some serious ass kissing.”

“Well you better stock up on your chap stick, because he’s got one shot at this.  He only has to get a passing grade.  It doesn’t have to be perfection. Once he’s hired I’ll make sure he learns what he needs to, before he breathes the same air as my customers.”

“Right.”

He says it with warning in his voice, like his boss can’t wait forever.  He’d never admit it to me, but I’m sure he put his reputation on the line to get Justin a job.  That could mean horrible things for Carter if something were to go wrong, if Justin were to mess up, and so...I need to make sure everything goes according to plan.  It wouldn’t be so bad if the Baxters hadn’t decided to take action so suddenly.  That’s my biggest fear...that they’ll win on Wednesday and Justin will fall apart, even though I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s not the end of the world if they do.  He doesn’t see it that way.  He sees it as Ava being one step closer to being taken away from him forever.

I feel like I’m losing grip, my sense of reality.  The powerful way I feel about Justin isn’t helping things either.

And now I have to face Preston to top it all off.

“I’ll park and meet you at baggage,” Carter tells me when we pull up to the appropriate terminal.  “Just wait for me.”

“Okay.”  I open my door and get out of the car, waiting for my brother to pull away before heading inside the terminal.  I find that I’m trembling a little.  Everything seems to be happening at once at it’s making me stick to my stomach, but I know I have to suck it up.  I can’t allow it all to fall apart now.  Not when Justin has come this far.

I find Preston’s flight on the big screen mixed in with all the others and find that it has already arrived, so I head down to the appropriate baggage terminal marked next to the flight number.  Once I reach the bottom of the escalator, I can already see him, back to me, phone in his ear.  He has a gift bag stuffed with tissue and some flowers in his free hand, which I already know are for me.  More gifts.  But the things is, I don’t want gifts.  I just want the Preston I used to know back in my life.  

“I’ll discuss it...yes, there’s no reason to worry.  By Monday it won’t be an issue anymore, you have my word.  I have it under control.  Yes...okay, try to enjoy the weekend.  I’ll be in touch.”  

I smile a bit as I stop right behind him.  Even now, he’s still trying to tie up last minute things at the office, and I guess...I might feel a little guilty pulling him away from all of it.  But it’s for us.  We need to talk this weekend, if I have any hope of figuring out what I’m going to do and where I stand emotionally with him.  “Hey.”

He turns, and his smile flies on.  “Bets...you look gorgeous.”  He shoves his phone in his trouser pocket and walks over to me, planting a long, loving kiss on my lips and giving me the flowers and bag in his hand, which I accept with a smile.

“Were you waiting long?”

“Nah.”  He tugs at the handle of the bag.  “You should open that.”

“Pres...”

“Please?”  

He gives me those pleading little boy eyes that have always caused me to give into him time and time again.  Without another word, I reach inside the gift bag and pull out a long, slender black box with a red ribbon around it.  My best guess is that it’s jewelry, and when I remove the bow and open up the box, I realize I’m right.

But this is more than just jewelry.  It’s a full on Tiffany diamond necklace, that I can’t even imagine putting on.  I quickly snap the box closed.  “It’s too much...”

“Nothing is too much for you.”  He says it seriously, and steps up to me, gently pulling the box out of my hands.  “I wanted to...get you something, you know? To make up for all the crap I’ve been putting you through lately.”  

“But Preston...”

“Here, turn around.”

 He smiles and pulls the necklace out of it’s box again, and I do as he asks, begrudgingly.  The moment he places the thing around my neck, and fastens the clasp into place, I can already tell how heavy the weight of the diamonds are.  I reach up and feel them around my neck, and they seem to get tighter as I stand here, practically suffocating me.

“Let me see,” I hear him say.

I face him again, trying my best to smile, but find that I can’t.

“It’s perfect.” He says, smiling in satisfaction.  “I knew it would be.”

“But this isn’t...”

“Just...let me do this,” he sighs, and takes one of my hands in his before kissing me again.  “I feel like a fucking asshole, Bets.”

“All I want to do is talk to you,” I whisper.  “I don’t need diamonds, Preston.”

“And we will talk,” he promises, pulling away from me and lacing his fingers through mine.  The same ones that were holding onto Justin’s only a few days ago.  “As soon as all the formalities are out of the way.  Now, we’ll be late for dinner if we don’t get going.  Did you drive here or...”

“Oh my brother is coming.  He was just parking the car.”

“Oh.”  

He seems less than thrilled, but I’m not surprised.  Part of the reason he always gets Carters name wrong, is because he really dislikes him.  He thinks he pries into my life too much, and doesn’t hesitate to let me know that from time to time.  “It won’t be so bad.  You have to get used to it, baby.  You’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

He considers it for about half a second.  “Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

He kisses my cheek.  “We’ll talk later.  I see him coming, and I don’t need him blabbing our business to the rest of the family.”

I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I’m starting to get a funny feeling.  One that’s telling me Preston is up to something.  Good or bad, I don’t know, but I’d really like to get to the bottom of it as soon as possible.

“Hey...you have a good flight in?”  Carter reaches us after a moment, forcing a smile as he sticks his hand out for Preston to shake.

“Good enough,” he shakes my brothers hand.  “The first class cabin was a little smaller than I would have liked, but we can’t win all the time can we Carson?”

Carter glances at me quickly, before giving Preston sarcastic look.  “We sure can’t.”

“And your wife...children, I assume everybody is doing well?”

“Better than ever.”

“You got my check in the mail, I assume...for your daughters birthday?”

“Oh...yeah, she bought a bunch of Chuck-E-Cheese tokens with it.  It was completely worth it.  My favorite part was when she ate too much pizza and puked all over the prizes she got from the ticket exchange booth.  We tossed ‘em, but hey, she had fun...and what’s a birthday without a little bit of puke?”

Preston frowns and pulls his hand away.  “Glad to know it did made an educational difference.  I had hoped you might have put it into a college fund or possibly bought a savings bond with it. But I guess I shouldn’t have expected different from...” He trails off and looks my brother up and down in disgust, like he’s some kind of lower class human being.  “...a degenerate like you.”  He looks back at me for a brief moment, his eyes full of anger.  “Let’s go.”

He walks away after that, obviously pissed off.

“I’m going to get him in a corner one of these days and kick the crap out of him,” Carter mutters, staring after him.  “If you weren’t here tonight, I would have done it already.”

“Can you blame him?  I mean, he shouldn’t have been so gruff but, you told me you bought a Leap Pad reading thing with that three hundred bucks.  Marilyn won’t set foot near a Chuck-E-Cheese’s.  She’s too paranoid about germs.”

He smiles and shrugs.  “Of course that’s what I got her with the money, but he called me Carson.  We’re even.  The shit head can pout the rest of the night for all I care.  Fuck, Betsy, I can’t believe you’re ready to marry that son of a bitch.  Nice necklace by the way.  What’d he get you that for? Because he’s knows he’s colossal prick?  The next time, maybe he’ll bring you home a Bentley or something.”

“Carter.”

“C’mon.”  He says it quickly, and stalks away from me, leaving me no choice but to follow along behind him, diamonds still hanging off my neck, and a droopy bouquet in my hand.  
***********
“How do you deal with that woman week to week?”

I laugh, as I lean my head against the bathroom wall.  “I try to just smile and nod, tune her out when she talks.  It works, most of the time.”

“I thought your father was going to kill her earlier.  She wouldn’t even give us an hour or two to get settled in at that guest house of theirs.  Of course I’m grateful, honey...it’s just that...I feel like the woman has nobody else to talk to.  Your father and I were hoping to get some...relaxation time in, but she wouldn’t give us any breathing room.”

“Mom, gross.”

“Well...you’re old enough now.  I blame that husband of hers.  He’s barely said a word to us since we got in.”

“That’s Eli.  I’m used to it.”

The toilet flushes and a moment later my mother walks out of the stall, washing her hands quickly and drying them, before planting a kiss on my cheek.  It’s awful, but this the first time all evening that we’ve been able to be alone.  “How are you?”

“I’m...I’m okay.”

“You seem exhausted.  I tried asking your brother how things have been with you, but I should have known better.”

I sigh.  Besides Carter, my mom is probably the only other person who would understand about Justin.  I wish I could talk to her, tell her what’s been going on, but I know that I can’t.  Not when she thinks I’m happily engaged, and ready to start planning more details of the wedding with her.  I mean, she’s tolerating Sandra for the sake of my happiness.  There’s no bigger sacrifice in my book.  “It’s just been a lot with the wedding and work, that’s all.”

She smiles but her eyes are full of suspicion.  “You know you can talk to me, right?  It doesn’t always have to be secrets with you and Carter.”

“I...I know.  I went and saw Thomas.  It’s been a lot to take in, that’s all.”

Her eyes grow wide.  “What...what brought that on?”

I shrug.  “A friend convinced me it was the right thing to do.”

“How was it?”

“It was good...different...but I needed to do it.”

“Well, I’m proud of you.”  She smiles happily and pulls me into a tight hug.  “I really am, Betsy.  That was a big hurdle for you.”

I nod.

“You’re sure that’s all?”

She knows it’s not, but I can’t tell her the truth.  “Yeah, mom.”

She smiles and rubs my shoulders a little.  “Then I guess we should get back to the table before Sandra sends out a search party.”

“I’ll be right out.”  

She smiles once more, before leaving me alone in the bathroom.

The ride to the restaurant was completely silent.  Preston toyed with his Blackberry the whole time, and Carter wouldn’t even look at me.  I know they’ll never get along, and that’s bad because I don’t know what I would do without Carter right now...or ever.  It’s only going to make life that much more difficult if I go through with this wedding, and right now, I feel like I might.  Preston has been great tonight, aside from his little tiff with Carter at the airport.  He’s been sitting beside me since we got here, his arm draped over my shoulders as he’s charmed my parents with his affairs in Chicago and his plans for us after the wedding.  Of course Sandra has been chiming in with her little ‘ideas’ and ‘suggestions’, bu Eli has barely said a thing the whole night.  He’s been periodically looking at his phone, and sipping his wine, not the least bit concerned about getting to know my parents, even though he’s never met them before tonight.

Same old Eli, even though, I’m sure he’ll have more to say to me when the time comes.  When I’m at his house and he’s more focused on the case.  Tonight, I think he knows the focus on his son, the only person he seems to take a genuine interest in.  I’m fine with that too, because I’d rather not discuss Justin in front of my entire family, and that goes for Preston too.

I stare back at myself in the mirror, gazing at the diamond necklace still hanging around my neck.  Sandra took one look at it when I sat down at the table and gasped, telling Carter that it was ‘an exquisite’ gift, which of course, boosted my fiances ego even more.  She also told me that she wouldn’t have wanted any other girl to wear her sons ‘gifts’, and I guess that was supposed to make me feel good...or something.

I really can’t wait to get back home, where Preston and I can be alone and talk about...everything.

Maybe I’ll tell him.  I think I need to just...come clean, because I doubt I could marry him with this many secrets dwelling inside of me.

I get myself together for now though, because my family is expecting me to be that girl they know so well, and Carter well...I can’t give him a reason to start listing all the reasons he hates Preston.

“Hey.”

Preston is leaning against the wall next to the door to the ladies room and I jump a little.  “Pres...”

“I am so ready to get outta here,” he laughs, as he pulls me close to him.  “Let’s get a taxi or something.”

“We can’t.” I pull away as he steals a kiss. “Pres...my parents just got here.”

“We’ll see them tomorrow,” he promises, tugging at my hand so I’ll follow him to the front of the posh restaurant.  “I want to talk to you, anyway.”

“So do I but...don’t you think it’s rude to just leave?”

He shrugs.  “They’ll understand.”

“At least let me say goodbye.”

“Bets, I haven’t seen you in weeks,” he says gently, cupping my chin in his palm.  “Maybe it’s selfish or whatever, but I want time with you tonight.  I know you’ve been confused and I haven’t been around.  Plus, I think I might kill your brother if he glares at me one more time.” He  laughs again.  “Please?”

I sigh heavily.  “Okay, but you’re going to explain this to everybody tomorrow.”

“Deal.”

We sneak out a side entrance, unbeknownst to everyone at the table.  When Preston gets a taxi hailed over, I quickly text Carter to let him know what’s going on, just so he won’t worry himself sick.  

How can you leave me with your in-laws and our parents? I’ll become the topic of conversation now.

I’ll owe you a favor.

You already owe me a million favors.

I shut my phone off after that, and get in the taxi.  I can’t be distracted right now, and...I also don’t want to risk the chance that Justin might call.  I don’t feel like getting caught in that mess, even if I’m considering telling Preston the truth.

“So my dad told me that you’re working on a case with him, now.” Preston says brightly, once the cab is in motion.  He’s pulled me close to him, so I can lay my head against his chest as he strokes my hair softly.  

“Oh...yeah...”

“Pretty cool, huh? He’s a great lawyer.  You watch.  He’ll have that case open and shut.”

“Mhm.”

“So listen,” he continues, nonchalantly.  “I’ve been thinking...about us.  About our future.”

“So have I.”

“I think it would be better...for us, if we got out of LA.  Soon, you know?”

I sit up slightly, and stare back at him.  He’s still smiling, but I can just tell that I’m not going to like this at all.  “What do you mean? Where?”

He takes my hands in his.  “I’ve been asked to move the firm to Chicago.  I met a few people who want to join in the partnership, and I already talked to dad.  He said that he’d back it a hundred percent, said we could even keep this firm here up and running, just head it up with different people.”

I shake my head slowly.  “You want to move to Chicago?”

“Yeah,” he smiles.  “As soon as possible.  I can get us a brownstone...I’ve been looking around.  You can be there with me until I finish the case and then we can fly back here for the wedding.  That way, when we get back from Aruba, we’ll already have a place set up.  It’ll be easier that way.”

“Whoa...wait a minute.”  I pull away from him.  “You never said anything about moving me away from my family.”

“That’s because I didn’t have a reason to until now,” he nods.  “It’s a good opportunity for me Bets, and...we’ll be better because of it.”

“But my family is here.  I mean...Carter...”

“Your brother needs to back off,” he says gruffly.  “Damn Bets, is this about us, or about him?”

I stare at him for several moments, feeling my heart starting to beat furiously in my chest.  “It’s about us but...”

“But what?” His eyes search mine for a long moment.  “Don’t you love me?”

“I do...”

He kisses me, gently, letting his lips linger on mine for  awhile before he pulls himself back.  “Then what’s to question?”

“What about this case with your father?”

“He said he can find somebody to take your place, if you wanted to pack up this weekend and fly out Monday.”

“Monday?  That’s way too soon.”

“But I need you there.”  He squeezes my thigh when I pull away and stare out my window.  “Come on Bets.  I’m falling apart without you, and I know you’re doing the same thing here.”

“I’ve been fine.”

“I know what you’ve been up to.”

I gasp, and look back at him.  His expression is serious but not angry, and I have no idea what he means.  “What...”

“Look.”  He slides himself over, and caresses my face quickly.  “I know...you got confused and so...you might have done some things...”  he trails off and chuckles.  “Bets, I don’t blame you.”

“You...you know...wait, what do you know?”

“Did you really think I wouldn’t find out, Betsy?  I know you’ve been letting him stay at the house, and screwing him behind my back.  You put him up at the Hilton for the weekend too right? Thought I wouldn’t figure it out?”

I just stare him.

“It’s not your fault.”  He gives me a kiss when I start to stutter out a response.  “I shouldn’t have left, you know?  I know how you can get when you’re left on your own.”

“What do you...”

“You need somebody...to be around for you, to take care of you so you won’t be afraid,” he explains.  “I’ve always known that.  Whatever you did...it’s in the past now.  I know he’s nothing, just some worthless piece of shit, like your father.  I’m not angry okay?  So let’s move on to the next thing.”

My first thought is for Justin.  If Preston knows all that, what else is he capable of?  “You didn’t...you didn’t do anything to him did you?”

He kisses me.  “Of course not, Bets.  And if you get on the plane with me Monday morning, I’ll let the whole thing go like it never happened.”

“How...how did you even find out...”

“It’s not important,” he whispers.  “What’s important...is moving forward from here.  How about it?”

I’m speechless, don’t know what to do, think or say.

“It’s okay.”  He kisses me gently.  “The whole weekend is ahead of us.  I just hope you make the right decision, Bets.”

“Why?”

“I’d just hate to see him get thrown in jail or something because of you.”

This is supposed to be the man that loves me, and right now, I feel like he’s doing all of this to spite me.  I mean, what the hell is going on? Does he love me, or is he doing all this for some other, completely fucked up reason? Of course, there’s a big chance his father could have something to do with this.  Darcy probably got to him, told him that she doesn’t trust me, and in turn, told him the whole story.  It’s their little plot, and it makes me want to break down and cry so hard, because Preston...Preston is going right along with it.  It occurs to me that he cares about me, but...things are so much different in his world when it comes to life, and love.

“I’m not...I’m not going anywhere with you, Preston.”

He sighs harshly.  “I figured you’d say that.  You know, I would think you would be a little more grateful.  I’m giving you a pass on this, like I’ve given you a pass on all of your other issues.  Your temperament, your social standpoint, the way you conduct yourself...I’ve even accepted your family, and your idiot brother.  None of it matters to me.  I was just content being with you, you know?  You’re the first person who’s ever made me come alive inside.”

I scoff.  “You’re a bastard.”

“But you love me, Bets, and you know I love you more than anything.  So what if we’ve had our little ups and downs? It’s nothing a little money and relocation can’t take care of.  I’m willing to live our lives and forget this ever happened, as long as you say you’ll come with me.”

I’m sobbing, can’t believe this...any of it.  The worst thing is I can’t explain it to Carter, or my parents.  And Justin...Justin will probably lose everything no matter what I do.  “What if I say no?  What are you going to do Pres? “

“You know how many resources I have Betsy, and I hate to be the bad guy.  You know I do, but I have a feeling if you were to tell me no, the police might get called...get asked to search Justin’s hotel room.  It’d be a shame for him if they found all those drugs hidden in there, you know?  A felony...it would be strike three for him, so I’m told.  A life sentence...tragic, really.  He’s so close, weeks away from being able to land that great job at McDonalds.”

“Darcy got to you, didn’t she?” I sob.  “Preston...why...why are you doing this?  You’re better than this.”

He shakes his head again.  “Bets, c’mon.  You know what you need to do.  Me explaining myself...it will just make things more complicated.  There’s a happy ending to this for everybody involved, if you just make the right choice.  That scum bag won’t get thrown in jail, we’ll get to be together, and that little girl will be with people that can actually take care of her.  Now c’mon, beautiful.”  He tilts my head up slightly so I’ll met his eye line.  “It doesn’t make sense to fight this anymore.”

“I can’t...I can’t do that to him.”

“But you should, because nobody deserves to be framed, right?  Even if he is a fuckin’ junkie.”

I whimper.  It’s ridiculous, sick, but I know Preston.  I know him better than anybody, and I know he’ll do what he says if I don’t go through with his wishes.  I’ll do it of course, but only for Justin, so he has a shot at a future with his girl. “Okay,” I whisper.  “All right...I’ll...I’ll go with you.”

He smiles then, and it’s the smile I used to loved, one that I have to force myself to love again, as much as I don’t want to.  As much as I hate him now.  “That’s my girl.”

I hadn’t stayed at a decent hotel in a really long time.  That first day, I enjoyed the full cable TV and the room service, while still making time to study my GED manual, and do some practice tests. It had been hard to concentrate, initially, because all this shit about Deb kept flooding my thoughts, making me feel so guilty that I wanted to quit, go back up to Bakersfield and keep her company instead.  I felt like it was all my fault, even though it couldn’t be.  I never knew she was on her way out, or that she’d go out into the world and get herself shot up with HIV.  I was too high to realize any of it, and the rest of the time, I was trying feed Ava.

I remember...falling asleep, and I didn’t wake up until the next day.  I ordered breakfast, and ate it in bed, like a king.  I tried to call Trace to keep him updated, but all I got was a voicemail, so I figured I would call him later, or the next day.  When I was finished eating, I decided to shower, so I hobbled out of bed, but I banged my bad leg right into the night stand almost instantly, causing me to groan and fall back onto the bed.  I sat for a long time, the pain agonizing, before I heard it...a sort of plopping sound, like something had fallen onto the floor.  When I looked down...when I looked down it was just there.  Like it had fallen from heaven, and I felt that feeling come back.  The one I thought I’d turned my back on for good.

But I would never be able to turn my back on it.  Not completely.  That was what the meetings were for...

But I had skipped that meeting last Tuesday, to go up to Bakersfield, and that meant I was at my most vulnerable.

The clear bag felt soft, silky smooth in my hands, as I stared at the white powder inside of it.  It was sick...I could smell the shit right through the bag and it made my mouth water, made my heart race.  It was like reuniting with an old friend, and I could feel my body pleading with me, begging me for a hit.  I just...I just wanted one taste.  One taste wouldn’t hurt.  Nobody would have to know.  So I went down to the lobby and bought a lighter, before returning to the room, taking my shoelace out of my sneaker, and stealing a spoon from my room service tray.  I also managed to fashion a makeshift syringe from a shampoo bottle, and a hollow needle in the sewing kit I found in the bathroom...an old trick of mine to get around using dirty needles.

I was all set.

It was only when I started to get it all set up on the dresser that something else kicked in.  It was logic, and it asked me, ‘how the hell did a big ass bag of smack end up in your room?’  I stared at it, took a good long look.  It must have been worth about ten grand on the street, and there I was, acting like it wasn’t a big deal.

But it was.

Thank God Trace answered that second time around.

“Flush it.”

I stare at the gaping bag now, hours later.  All that beautiful powder...it’ll be gone in seconds.  “It’s like throwing money away.”

“It’s a god damn prison sentence.  I said flush it.  Now.”

I sigh heavily, and feel the first tears start to travel down my face as I pour the bags contents into the toilet.  Trace immediately steps in once it’s empty, and pushes down on the lever, sending the white clump swirling down into the depths below.  Then I just stare at him, knowing that the look on his face is filled with anger and disappointment.  It quickly hits me that he thinks I did this...that I decided to use, only...I didn’t, and I don’t know how to convince him otherwise.  I slide down the wall and onto the floor, half sobbing, not knowing what’s going to happen next.

“Where’s the rest?” he states, bluntly, after several moments of silence.

“That’s all there was.”

“You know what I mean.”

Oh.  Tools.  “Dresser,” I croak.

He’s there and back within a minute, and I know the part of him that’s my sponsor has taken over completely.  He quietly places everything into the ziploc bag he brought with him, making sure to seal it up tight with some duct tape, and puts it out of my reach.  Then he sighs, crosses his arms and sits down on top of the toilet.  “How’d you get a hold of that much smack, Justin?”

“It wasn’t mine.”

He laughs at me.  “C’mon J.”

“I swear to God,” I say, desperately.  “The bag...it was behind the nightstand.  Somebody must have...put it there...”

“Somebody left ten thousand dollars worth of heroin in your hotel room? Well, it must have been your lucky day or something.”

“It’s the truth.  It must have happened when I left the room the other night.  I didn’t see anybody though.”

He sighs heavily, and rubs his face with his hands.  “You were about to use, regardless of who’s drugs they were.  Why?”

I shrug, and look down between my legs, hating myself for what I was about to do.  “I just...I couldn’t stop myself.  That’s why I called you.”
r32;“What would have happened if you couldn’t get a hold of me? I mean, I wasn’t exactly free, Justin.  I was driving Kate back from Lamaze...she wasn’t happy when I told her I had to come to your rescue.”

“I don’t know.  It’s not like I’m not thankful.”r32;
“My baby is about to be born,” he says softly.  “Things aren’t going to be the same once that happens.  You understand right? You’re going to need to find somebody else to call.”

I just nod.  I know.  I know I’m an intrusion in his life.  He’s better off without me, actually, and his family will be too.  “I’ll manage.”

“A couple of weeks ago I would have agreed.  Now, I’m not so sure.”

“It was just...here!”

“Then who put it there!”

“I...”  I trail off and shake my head, think long and hard about who knew I was staying here.  There’s Trace, but of course he wouldn’t have done it.  That leaves Betsy, and probably Carter.  But Carter doesn’t seem smart enough to get his hands on that much smack.  So...it’s back to Betsy.  

But I can’t believe that.

“Maybe Betsy did it,” Trace suggests, before I can say anything else.

“No.”

“She’s the only other person who knows where you’re staying.  I wouldn’t put it past her.  Fucking DCF...they’ll do anything to win their case.  I told you...I told you not to trust her.”

“She couldn’t have!” I yell at him.  “She’s done too much for me...she wouldn’t just...do that.”

“Believe what you want,” he sighs and gets up again.  “But you know I’m coming from experience.  I better go, before Kate packs a bag and goes to stay with her mom.  Are you going to be okay?”

I shrug.  “I guess I’ll have to be.”

“Where are you going when you check out of here?”

“Back to Betsy’s I guess.”

He nods.  “Well, just call me and let me know what’s going on.  I’ll meet you at the courthouse on Wednesday, all right?”

“Yeah. Fine.”

He doesn’t say anything, just grabs the ziploc bag full of drug tools, and walks out, leaving me sitting on the floor.  I understand of course.  He’s having a baby and that’s his main focus right now.  It’s just fortunate for me that he was available this afternoon, otherwise I could be lying dead on this very same floor, from an overdose.

I shudder.

It’s so unthinkable but...what if, for some reason...she really did do it?  What if she’s been plotting against me this whole time? What if she allowed me to seduce her so I would trust her completely?

I don’t want to believe it, but what else can I believe?
*********
The knocking is soft at first, so soft that I almost sleep right through it.  I cried for a long, long time on the floor of the bathroom before I managed to pull myself to my feet with the crutches and hobble over to the bed.  I collapsed onto it, exhausted from the emotional day, and I wasn’t sure what would happen when I woke up again.  

But now I do.

My eyes slowly drift open, and the knocking seems to get louder as I push myself up in the bed, wincing when my leg begins to ache again.  

“Justin.”

I hear her calling my name through the door, and I stare at it for several minutes, debating if I should answer.  If I should go there right now, because...I don’t think I can trust her anymore, and that’s very bad, considering everything that’s happening.  It’s Monday, which means I have to check out of the hotel and go with her today...only, I really don’t want to.  “Coming.” I call back, miserably, before grabbing my crutches and getting myself over to the door.  

“That took forever,” Betsy gasps when I finally open the door for her.  Her face is pale, her eyes wide, which means she was worried when I didn’t answer the door on the second knock.  

She cares.  There’s no denying that.

But if she does, then why do I feel like I’m being betrayed? Maybe I’ve let Trace get to me.  Maybe easier to think that she did this, so I don’t have to worry about who else might be out to get me other than DCF.  “I’m fine,” I say quietly.

She gently pushes her way into the room, and slowly sits down on the bed, staring at me what seems like forever, and I just don’t get it.

I don’t get it, but deep down I know there’s something going on with her.  “I have to pack,” I say, not quite looking at her.  “Give me a few.”

“I...I’m not taking you with me,” she tells me, looking down at her lap.  “I paid for you to stay here the rest of today.  Carter’s coming by later.  You’ll stay at his house for a bit until you can find someplace else to go.  His wife is fine with it.”

I just stare at her.  “W-what do you mean?”

She licks her lips, and can’t seem to help but sob for a few minutes, putting a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries.  Something deep down, tells me this is about those drugs but...

But that she’s not behind it.

“Betsy...”  I hobble over to the bed, and gently sit down next to her.  “What’s going on?”
r32;“Did you find them?”

My mouth hangs open for several moments, before I find the strength to answer her.  “The drugs.”

She nods.  

“Yeah.  I...I found them accidentally.  I was about to use them, before I got in touch with Trace.  He came and we flushed them.”

She let’s out a long sigh.  “Thank God.  Justin...”  She looks up at me again, the tears traveling down her face as she reaches out to touch my cheek.

But I draw back from her.  “You put them in here, didn’t you?”r32;

“No...no I didn’t,” she sobs.  “Justin...it’s Preston.  He knows everything, he knows that...I slept with you.  I don’t know how he found out you were staying here but, he managed to slip the drugs in the room.  My worst fear was that you would find them and use but...but you didn’t.”

I stare at her, at a loss for words.  This whole time I thought I was safe, that Betsy and I would be able to keep our thing private.  But it’s obvious that Preston has enough money and power that he’ll always be able to find out what she’s up to.  “Why didn’t you call me?”

“He took my phone,” she whimpers.  “And he’s been watching me like a hawk since he came back.  I...I’m leaving with him tonight.  He’s taking me to Chicago, on the terms that he’ll leave you alone if I go with him.  I told him I was going to say goodbye to Carter.  It’s the only reason he’s not with me right now.  If he knew...if he knew I was here...it would be really bad for you, and Ava.”

It’s silent for a really long time, aside from the sound of Betsy’s whimpering.  I’m so angry, want to kill that guy for what he’s doing to her.  He’s basically blackmailing her into leaving here with him.  I know if she goes, she’s not coming back.  She’ll never see her brother again, aside from the wedding, and the occasional holiday.  I can’t let her do this...not for me, because that guy doesn’t love her, he owns her.  “You can’t go,” I say, finally pulling her hands away from her face, and taking them in mine.  “Betsy, you can’t do it.  Not for me.”

“I can’t let you lose Ava,” she cries.  “Preston can do things, you know that too.  If he can hide drugs in your room, he can send you back to prison.  If that happens it won’t matter if I’m here or not.  Ava will be gone anyway.  This way, you still have a chance.  You need to get in contact with Deb’s friend...get the ball moving.  Carter promised me he would help you however he can.”

“It’s blackmail, what he’s doing,” I whisper.

“I love him,” she reassures me.  “I’ll...I’ll be okay.”

“You don’t love him, and you won’t be.”  I put my face right up to hers, and feel the first tears escape my eyes.  “He’s going to control you every way he can, Betsy.  I can’t let you do that.”

“Things will calm down after a couple of weeks,” she nods.  “He’ll turn back into the Preston I know.  Right now he’s just...he’s upset, and needs time alone with me.”

“He took your cell phone.  That should tell you how things are going to go.”

She shrugs.  “It’s done, Justin.”r32;

I shake my head.

But she gets up from the bed, and I know she’s done discussing it with me.  “Carter said he’ll be here after dinner, once the kids go down.  He didn’t want them asking all kinds of questions.  In the morning, he’ll just make something up to tell them.  Go along with whatever it is, okay?  And...take whatever Marilyn says in stride.  She’s a bored house wife, but she means well.”

We actually laugh, briefly, and then I watch her head over to the door.

“When you get Ava back, give her my love,” she says, forcing a small smile.  “Tell her that she’ll always be in my heart.”

“I...I will.”

This is goodbye, and that’s so fucking crazy.  Betsy, the woman I’ve come to respect after so much shit.  The woman that stuck by my kid when I couldn’t.  The woman...the woman I love...

She’s walking out of that door, out of my life, like so many other people I’ve cared about.

I go after her, stop her at the door.  “I love you.” I tell her, desperately.  “I love you so much.”

“Justin...stop it...”r32;

But I don’t let her protest further.  I grab her to me and press my lips to hers, backing up against the wall so I won’t fall over.  She doesn’t pull away, she kisses me back, shaking and crying.  I know she feels the same way, but she can’t say it.   She’s too overwhelmed.  “Don’t leave.” I whisper, when I’m finally able to break the kiss, and I press my forehead against hers as I continue to hold her in my arms.  “We can figure this out.”

“Promise me that you’ll do everything you’re supposed to,” she says, running her thumb across my cheek.  “Don’t give up.  Pass that exam and let Carter get you in at the bank.  Even if things don’t go well on Wednesday...don’t let them defeat you at the custody hearing.”

“Betsy...”r32;

“Promise. Me.”  She says it through gritted teeth, as more tears seep out of her eyes.

“I...I promise.”

She lets out a harsh sigh, and wipes the tears off of her face.  “I gotta go.”

She slips out of my arms, and I...I let her, as much as I don’t want to.  Trying to hold her back, I know, would just make things harder for the both of us.

There’s nothing else I can do.

“Goodbye,” I say, as the door clicks closed.

Now, I know...it’s just me.  But for the first time in my life, I think that I can face the world on my own, and that’s all because of her.  She might be gone, but she’ll always be in my heart, and her voice will always be in the back of my mind, egging me on, not allowing me to quit.

And that will have to be enough.

One month later

Chicago

“You haven’t been tampering with the key pad again have you?  I dusted it last night...thought I might have seen a little fingerprint on the number seven.”

I press my lips together again, trying my best to hold back my sobs until I’m off the phone with him.  “No.  I...I was standing by the door when you came home yesterday.  My hand touched it, but just for a second.  I-I swear.”

“Good, you’re learning.” I hear him smiling.  “Now, what would you like for dinner? There’s a killer Thai place near the office.  I can bring you some Pad Thai with that mustard sauce you love.  Set the table, and pick out a DVD.  We’ll make a real night out of it, Bets, just like it used to be.

“Sure...sure that sounds nice.   Maybe...maybe after dinner, I can give Carter a call...”

I hold my breath.  It’s been a week since I mentioned it, and I thought that he might have calmed down, realized I need my brother, even if it’s only by phone.

“Maybe I just won’t come home,” he says, darkly.

“Preston...”

“Or...maybe I’ll just spend the week away.  There’s not much food in the house, babe, is there?  I can get the water shut off too...tell them I’m on vacation.”

“No...no you don’t have to do that.  Please don’t do that,” I say, desperately.  “Preston, I’m sorry. I...I wasn’t thinking.”

“What have I told you about mentioning your brother?”

“I...I know,” I sob.  “I forgot myself.”

“It would be a shame if I had to call mom and dad, and tell them you were too sick to go for the visit next week,” he warns me.  “I could always tie you up again...like before.  Don’t mess things up for yourself, Betsy.  You’ve been doing a lot better, lately.  Soon, I might not have to lock you in the house twenty four hours a day.  You don’t deserve to be living this way, you know? You deserve to go shopping, and have a nice little life with me.”

He tied me up and left me in the bedroom that first week we were here.  I tried to leave after the third day, when he wouldn’t let me call home, and took my credit cards and most of my money away.  I made it down to the bus depot before he found me.  He gave me such a convincing speech about loving me and taking care of me, that I was stupid enough to go back home with him.  The minute I was through the door, he shut me up in our bedroom, and hit me a few times, before taking some cable ties and binding me at the wrists and ankles.  He gagged me with an old dishrag, and then...he just left me there, for days.  I screamed through the gag in my mouth, all the time, trying to get him to come back, to listen to me.  But he just...he just left me there.

It was a nightmare.  Preston would come to give me water, and feed me a few times a day, but he wouldn’t say a fucking word, and if I tried to speak out, to plead with him, he would just cut my meal short and gag me again.

It took me that whole week to figure out that I wasn’t going home, except for the wedding, ever again, and he was going to make sure that I didn’t try to escape, as sick as it was.  Preston has lost it, that I’m sure of.  The one I knew before...he’s gone away, never to return.  I’m also convinced that he’s making me his prisoner, for his father’s sake.  So I can’t go home and help Justin win his fight for Ava.

It’s disgusting.  I can’t believe I was so stupid to think that things would be...normal again, if I moved to Chicago.

I miss my family, and I miss Justin.  Sometimes, I’ll sit on the floor with my eyes closed, trying to stop the never ending fits of sobs with memories of my brother and I...

And the memory of Justin giving me that one, final, desperate kiss.

I should have listened to him.

The brownstone was nice on the first look.  It’s spacious, has two floors, and an old fashioned ambience about it, that Preston knew I would fall in love with. I was in love with it too, that first day, until I knew what was going on...until I knew that it was to be my prison.  I think my first hint, was when he still wouldn’t give me my Blackberry back.  I’ve searched the whole house since that time, and haven’t turned it up, which only means he disposed of it.  That wouldn’t be such a big deal either, if there was another phone to use.  I mean, there is a phone, one phone, in the bedroom.  There are no buttons on it to dial out, and when I pick it up, it links me directly to Preston’s cell.  He told me he rigged it up that way, in case I need him for something when he’s not here.

I can’t even dial 911.  I’m completely dependent on him, and if he sees fit to let me die in here, he will.

He calls me too, all the time.  The rule is, if I don’t answer by the third ring, he’ll come home, and if it turns out not to be an emergency, he’s informed me that there will be hell to pay, because as much as he wants to, he doesn’t trust me.

I’m scared. Terrified of what’s going to happen to me, but I’ve pushed myself to stay strong.  We’re getting married, so that means he has to take me to see my family soon, and when he does, I’m going to make sure he can’t take me back to this hell.

The wi-fi signal in here, is also password blocked.  I can play computer games to prevent me from going completely insane, but without that password, I have no access to the outside world.  Lately, I’ve spent hours sitting in front of the desktop in the family room, trying every combination of numbers and letters to grant me access.  It’s to no avail.  Preston caught me once, but he didn’t get angry, just laughed...told me I’d never figure it out, because it was a randomized set of numbers and letters that he had memorized long ago, and didn’t have written down.

Escaping from here physically is also impossible.  During the week I was tied up, Preston put me in his trunk for an entire day.  I was freaking out, and at times...passing out from emotional overload.  As it turned out, he needed to hide me from the electricians he’d hired to install electronic doors, and code lock the windows with key pads.  Nothing can be opened without a pass code that he changes every couple of days.  The inner part of the door has no doorknob, its just a thick wall of metal with a key pad in the area where a door handle is supposed to be.  It slides to the side when it’s opened and closed, like some crazy futuristic contraption.  I can’t even imagine what it cost to install, and something tells me for that kind of money, the electricians wouldn’t ask Preston questions as to why he would need such a thing.  When he’s home, he opens the windows a crack, to get some air in the place.  There’s bars on the outside of them, so even if I did try to get one open all the way, I wouldn’t be able to climb out.  The front door is never opened except when he leaves for work and comes home at night.  I tried to figure out the passcode a few times, but never succeeded.  Preston found out, using a fingerprint dusting kit he brought home one day, and put the fear of God in me, telling me I better not touch it again.

I guess out of everything he’s done to confine me inside of this place, the keypads are probably the only things I have a slight chance of getting around.  He knows if I was able to get one of the codes, I could easily get out.  He’s threatened to tie me up when he leaves for work on more than one occasion too, and so lately...I’ve stayed away.  

“I was just thinking...what happens if people start to get curious?  Don’t you think my family is going to wonder why I haven’t called, or emailed in a month?”

He gets very quiet, and I wait for it...wait for him to tell me that he’s leaving me on my own.  That I won’t eat for a week.

“So I’ll let you send an email to your parents, later.”

I gasp.

“I think at this point, with all you’ve endured, you’ve earned that right.  But of course I’ll be watching you, Bets.”

Right.  I should have known that, but if anything...Carter will know that I’m okay.  I have to figure out a way to send the message to Carter instead of my mom, but the more I think about it, the more I know Preston doesn’t know my brothers email address, and it’s so generic that it could be my moms too.

It’s a chance I’ll have to take, even I if I know the consequences will be extreme if I’m caught. He could tie me up again, for days, leaving me with no food or water.  I wouldn’t be so sure he’d do it, except...he’s done it in the past.  Just for a day, to teach me a lesson when he found out I was tampering with the keypad.

I thought I was going to die, before he came back, and that was only one day.

If I place a foot out of line, I know it would be a much longer punishment.  One that I don’t know if I could handle.

“It’s not that I want you to have to live like this,” he sighs after a few moments.  “You know how much I love you, Betsy.  I love you more than anything, and I really regret having to tie you up and lock you in trunks and everything else.  It was for us that I did this.  I hope you know that.”

I hang my head low and take in a long breath.  “I...I know it was.  I love...”

Oh God.

“I love you too, Pres.”

“After the wedding, things will change.  I’ll start letting you out of the house more, with me, and I plan on moving us to the suburbs.  I already have all the plans laid out for the design of the house.  It’ll be completely code locked of course, but there will be a lot more room for you to move around.  I’ll even let you start online shopping, restricting you to the sites that I approve of course.  I promise I won’t keep you from your favorite ones,” he chuckles.

“W-what do you mean?”

“Well I can’t just let you go wandering around the neighborhood without me.” I hear him smiling.  “You might...you might never come back.”

“You just expect me to live like this forever?”

“Not forever Bets.  It’s just until you’re acclimated...loyal to me, you know?  I’ll only have to keep you locked up a year or so, and then I’ll get you pregnant. Then, you wont’ have a reason to run away.  We’ll be a family.”

“You’ve lost it,” I say, finally losing control.  “Preston you can’t do this! You can’t hold me prisoner!”

“I have to,” he says, his voice eerie.  “You’ve given me no choice, Betsy.  Just remember, please, this is for your own good.  I’ll see you tonight.”

“But Preston...”

The line goes dead.

I sob for a long time, just like I do every time he gets off the phone with me.  This is all so hopeless, fucking crazy, a nightmare, and I know my brother, if he were here right now, would tell me that he told me so.  I laugh a little, even though it’s crazy, because I can hear his voice in the back of my mind, clear as day.

Fuck, I have to do something.

I sit down at the computer, start tapping away at the keys, trying to figure out that password once again.  Access Denied.  Access Denied. Access Denied.  

It’s useless.

I get desperate, go to the windows and bang on them, screaming at the glass, hoping to God that somebody will here me.  But this is a quiet street.  Most of these places are on the market, and that’s exactly what Preston intended for his ‘acclimation process’.

How did he go from that sweet, innocent, sometimes arrogant guy...to this?  

Or maybe he’s always been a little off, it just took something like me cheating on him to bring it out.  Maybe it’s why he’d been single for so long when we met.  His mother has told me in the past that...Preston was always a quiet boy that didn’t have many friends.

Maybe he was just crazy from the moment he was born.

And now I’m his prisoner, unless I can find a way out.

A few more hours pass, and I hear the little chime go off.  Preston sets it from somewhere in the house.  It blares through a tiny speaker in the living room, and I know what it means.  I have an hour until he arrives, and I better be dressed for the occasion.  That day that he untied me, he told me how things were going to be.  That when he left for work I would kiss him goodbye, that when he came home, I would be fully made up and dressed in one of the outfits hanging in the closet, ready to greet him with a smile.  That after dinner I would change into some lingerie and we would go to bed together, and all without any protest from me, unless I wanted to go to bed tied up.  It’s gone this way every night since then, and I don’t dare to skirt around it.  Sleeping like that, with cable ties and gags, is torture.  He doesn’t like to do it, but he will if he feels it’s the only way he can control me.

I rush to the shower and make sure my hair is done, and my make up is ready, leaving me fifteen minutes to throw on a dress.  It’s one he likes more than all the others and I’m hoping it will be enough to get me some extra time at the computer after dinner.  I’m waiting obediently by the door when I hear him arrive, and when it slides open, my smile flies on.  

“Hey beautiful.”  He leans in and gives me gentle kiss on the lips, before he grips my upper arm harshly and enters in the code that closes the door.  “How was your day?”

“It was wonderful.” I smile at him lovingly, as he expects, and he finally releases the harsh grip on my arm, before handing me the brown paper bag with our Thai food inside of it.  I follow him to the kitchen table, and go about setting it up with plates, napkins, and glasses.  They’re all plastic, just in case I tried to be bold and stab him with a knife or a shard of glass.  We have wine of course, kept under lock and key in a wine refrigerator, which he goes to retrieve as I start piling food onto our plates.

“Chardonnay baby?”

I look over my shoulder and smile at him.  “That sounds wonderful.”

He loves when I say that.  He’s instructed me to say it as much as I can.

“Sit.”  He orders me, and when I do it, he smiles and kisses my neck, before filling my plastic wine glass part way with our selection.  Then he takes his own seat, pouring himself a glass, making sure to keep the bottle right beside him where I can’t reach it.

And I wouldn’t dare try.

“My favorite dress,” he says, as I begin to eat.  “That was thoughtful, Betsy.”

“Well,” I say, after I chew and swallow.  “I wanted to do something for you...since you’re making so many sacrifices for us.”

He looks at me for a long moment, trying to decide if I’m being fake.  Of course I am, but if his warped brain can convince him otherwise, it’s much better for me.  “You...you think I’m making sacrifices?”

“Of course,” I give him a pleasing smile.  “You’ve spent all this money, and kept me here.  It’s been hard of course but...now that a month has passed, I’m starting to realize that you did it so I could see how much you really love me.”

“Well..I do.”

I shrug.  “It just means a lot to me.  That you’re trying this hard to save me from throwing what we had away.”

He shoves a forkful of food in his mouth, before taking a sip of wine.  “I’m happy to hear that.  But...the change doesn’t just happen overnight, Betsy.  You still have a long way to go until I can trust you completely.”

I chew my food for a while, and swallow before taking a huge gulp of wine.  “I...I know.  I still need to learn.  I hope you can teach me more.”

He eyes me for a while, as if he knows I’m up to something.

Damn it.  I’m being too nice...too accepting, when I’ve been fighting him for weeks.  Preston may be out of his mind, but he’s not stupid.

“Hurry up and eat,” he says darkly.

I stop, put my fork down.  “Pres?”

He sighs heavily.  “Betsy...when are you going to learn that you can’t hide your real feelings from me? Look at me, I’m not a fool.  I know you don’t like this...being here, with me.  Don’t you know how much it hurts me, knowing you’d rather be with...with him?”

I shake my head.  “No this...this isn’t about him.”

He whimpers a little and shoves himself back from the table.  I shriek a little, when he grabs me by the hair and pulls me up from my chair.  “I know it is.  I know...you just want me to let you write that email so somebody will come looking for you...so you can go back to him.”

“No...NO! Preston that’s not it.  I love you!”

“No you don’t,” he says sadly.  “You haven’t learned to love me again.  Not yet.”

He drags me away, despite my protesting, and throws me on the bed once we reach the bedroom.  He opens the drawer in the nightstand, where he keeps the spare cable ties...for when I’m bad, and I cry and wriggle around as he holds me down and binds me with them.

“Preston, please,” I whimper.  “Please let me go.  Just let me go home!”

“I’m sorry.  You know I can’t do that.”  

He fastens his newest contraption around my head to keep me quiet.  A belt with a wad of cloth tied around it, that he can buckle into place behind my head.  The last time...I got the normal style gag out of my mouth and screamed for hours, so this was his solution, and it’s hell.  Then he pulls me up, so my head is resting on the pillows, and covers me with the blanket, before kissing my cheek, as if he loves me more than anything, before heading to the door.

“I’ll be back in a day or so,” he nods, as he pauses at the door.  “Please just...don’t wriggle around much if you can help it.  You’ll just hurt yourself if you fall out of bed, and you won’t be able to call me.  I think we’ll have to cancel the wedding plans,” he says, sadly.  “I’ll tell mom and dad that we’re waiting a year.  By then, I think you’ll have learned your lesson.”

I moan, desperately trying to change his mind.

“Have a good weekend, Bets.”

He smiles, insanely, and closes the door.  I can hear the lock being turned into place, and I know I’m stuck.  Really, I wish I could just sleep it all away and forget about my predicament, but I know that isn’t his intention.  He wants me to think about this, and he tied me up as a reminder that I’ll always be under his control.

Even if I don’t want to be.

“Grmmmrrfff.”

He sits down beside me on the bed, smiling softly, as he gently runs his hand over my hair and down my cheek, taking care to remove the cap from the bottle of water he brought with him.  I look at it longingly.  I know how bad my body needs it, and it takes all of my willpower to not start screaming through the gag.  I need to take time with Preston, let him come around.  He feels more in control that way.

“I’m sorry...” He sighs, and reaches behind my head to loosen...but not unfasten, the belt.  It falls down around my neck, and I can’t hold back the sharp whimper and harsh coughs that escape me. “Here, drink it slow, Bets.”

I do as I’m told, because I’m so afraid that...that if I don’t, he’ll gag me again, leave me here alone for another few days.  I couldn’t take it.  I’d either go insane or die from dehydration.

“That’s a girl.” He continues to stroke my hair as I drink, and smiles at me.  “You’re okay.  It’s only been three days.  You’re dehydrated, but you’ll bounce back from it as long as you keep getting fluids.  I’ll make sure that happens.”

Three days.  Three days of lying here, bound and gagged without knowing if he was ever coming back.  Still, I force myself to smile as he pulls the bottle away from my mouth.  I have to, if I want him to untie me.  

“Do you think you’ve learned from this?” He whispers, as he leans down and kisses my lips.

“I did,” I rasp.  “I-I’ve learned so much from you.  I shouldn’t have forced my feelings.  Thank you...thank you for everything you’re doing.”

He smirks.  “That’s really good to hear, Bets.  It sounds like you’ve done a lot of thinking, just like I hoped you would.  For that, I think I can move you on to stage two.  We’re going to have to start slow, right from the bottom.  You’re going to have to earn every inch of your freedom.  It’s what I should have done the minute I brought you here, but I was naive.  I’ll never think twice again.”

“Preston, what do you mean?”

He pulls something else out into view.  The silver cuffs glint against the light in the room, and when he separates the pairs, I realize what he’s talking about.  “Please don’t make me wear those,” I sob.  “Please dont...”

He yanks the gag up and into my mouth again, causing me to sob harshly, before he places his hand gently around my neck, squeezing my windpipe ever so slightly.  It gets me to stop.  “What did I say? We’re starting from the ground up, Betsy.  It’s not forever, just until you get acclimated at the new place.  I know I said we weren’t moving for a while, but I secured the new house over the weekend, as a surprise for you.  I figured it’s better to do it now than wait, since we’re pushing the wedding off.  Just wait until you see it,” he grins.  “Of course, the construction isn’t finished.  The coding is all set but...there’s other precautions that need to be made before I can let you have a free run of the place.  You shouldn’t worry though.  I have a special place made up just for you, until it’s all done.  You won’t be bothered by the workers.  They won’t even know you’re there, but I have a little camera set up so I can watch you from wherever I am. We’ll still have our special phone too.”

I whimper again.

“You don’t have to be afraid, Betsy,” he says, his tone eerily soothing.  “I’m going to take care of you...always.  You won’t want for anything.  One day, you’ll wake up and realize that everything I did, was for the best.  Then...that’s when we’ll get married.  That’s when I’ll know I can trust you completely.  It will take years, of course...a very long and hard road with more punishments than rewards, but I’m doing it for us.  You understand that, don’t you Bets?”

I nod and thank God when he unfastens the gag and helps me sit up.

“Preston...Preston I love you...”

“Shh-shh.”  He puts his finger to my lips.  “Don’t say things you can’t compensate for.  There will be time for that in the future.”

“O-okay.  But...but don’t you think we should stay here a little longer...maybe...”

“Betsy.” He covers my mouth with his hand for a moment and gives me a dark look.  It gets me to shut up, and then he removes it.  “I know you’re trying to keep yourself here, hoping your brother or that scum bag you fucked will somehow find out about all of this, and try to find you.  I’ll tell you this...if either of them were to walk through that door right now, I’d make sure it was the last thing they did.”  

He moves part of his blazer aside, revealing a gun tucked into a holster in his pants.

I don’t say anything.  I can’t.

I didn’t even know he had a gun.

I’m shaking when he snaps off the cable ties with a pair of shears, and I take a moment to rub my incredibly raw wrists.  He slowly takes one of them in his hands, and sighs heavily, probably realizing how much it hurts me.  “This is one of the punishments I was talking about.  How about....right now, you make a promise to yourself that you’ll do whatever you can, so I won’t have to do this to you anymore.  It kills me Bets.  I hate to see you this way, tied up like some kind of animal.”

I look down at the mattress, trying so hard not to cry, but it’s almost impossible to hold my tears back.  I feel them on my face a moment later, and I reach up to rub them away, but he stops me.

“Promise yourself.”

I suck in a breath.  “I...I promise.”

“Excellent.”

I feel his body leave the bed, and I look up, shaking the hair out of my eyes in time to see him fastening those cuffs around my ankles.  “Preston,” I cry.  “Please!”

He stands up this time, his look commandeering as he grabs my wrists, and cuffs them together at my waist with the other pair.  They each have a five or six chain in-between them, which will allow me some movement, but ultimately, it would be useless to run from him.  The gun has sealed the deal for me.  He’d shoot me dead, of that I have no doubt.  

“Step two.  This is part of it.  You’ll wear them, and you won’t protest, because if you do, there will be repercussions.  You’ll shower with them, and you’ll sleep with them.  I will help you in and out of them when you need to dress or change each day.  You’ll learn how to cope with them, just like I’ve learned how to cope with your adultery, Betsy.  After a while, if you’ve completed the step successfully, they’ll come off.  It’s that simple.”

A month ago I would have screamed at him, called him a psycho.  Now...now I know how much I’ve changed in that time.  I’m more timid, would never raise my voice to him.  That’s how much he’s warped me, changed me...

And he’s not done yet.

“Let’s have a meal.  The drive is a few hours, you’re going to be a little uncomfortable, and we can’t stop.”

An intense feeling of fear and dread sweeps over me.  The thought that he’ll tie me up again and toss me in his trunk for a few hours, taking over me completely.  

You have to fight, Betsy.

You have to fight.  You have to get that gun.

But how the hell can I do that when he has me like this?

He smiles, and pulls me to my feet.  It takes a moment or two to get my bearings.  I’m dizzy and I know it’s because I have nothing in my system.  Preston seems to understand this, and allows me to steady myself, before willing me to move forward.  I nearly trip over the chain at my feet, and Preston then demonstrates the proper way to walk with my new attachment.  He’s sick.  Fucking sick.  But I have no choice but to take the advice.  I shuffle one foot in front of the other.  It’s a slow, grueling process that will take some time getting used to.

But time I’ll have.  He’s made that crystal clear.

“Here we are.”  He says it happily when we reach the kitchen table.  He guides me down into a chair and helps me tuck in, before taking his own seat.  “A few minutes more to your walk, that’s all.  In the new place, the table is only steps away from your bed.  You won’t have trouble.  I’ve made it as easy for you as possible to move around with those, and sometimes...if you’re behaving, we’ll go up to the main house.  I’ve set up all kind of spots where I can secure you in place...just in the beginning.  It will make the transition easier.”

I guess that should make me blissfully happy, and I smile for him, because I know that’s what he wants.  Inside I’m dying.  Inside I know...I’m going to be put in a place where I’ll cease to exist except to Preston.  If I thought I depended on him here, it’s nothing compared to where I’m going to be taken.  “Are we...are we really leaving tonight?”

“We are.”  He pulls some food out of a brown paper bag, and fixes mine lovingly on a plate before getting up and putting it in front of me.  “It’ll be exciting for you...seeing a new place for the first time.  I’m sure you grew tired of this place a long time ago.”

“And your parents,” I whisper.  “Do they know about the move?”

“They do,” he says, seriously.  “But if you think that’s going to get you the help you’re looking for, you’re wrong.”

I look down at my plate.

“Eat up,” he says cheerfully.  “Make the best of this, Betsy.  Step two is all about learning to cope with the difficulties in life.”

I dig in, only because I don’t know the next time he’ll decide to give me food.  It’s hard, the chain keeps getting in the way, but after a few minutes, I start to get the hang of having to eat like this. “What’s step three?”

“Sacrifice,” he smiles, gently.  “But we can’t face that until we’ve accomplished this step.”

“R-right.”

The rest of dinner is consumed in silence.  Preston becomes entranced in his Blackberry, which I’m sure is work related.  He’s completely tuned me out, forgetting about the fact that he’s holding his beloved fiance prisoner in her own home.  I watch him, study him, know he’s distracted.

What can I do?   What can I do that will get me out of here?  

The only option, is to get that phone away from him.  But...but if I fail...oh god, I can’t even imagine what he would do to me.

I continue to sit, giving in, and I hate myself for that.

“All done?”

He’s standing above me now.  I must have spaced out, because I didn’t even realize.  I look up at him.  “Yes.”

r32;He leans down and kisses my cheek.  “Just let me put this in the trash.  I’ve already packed you up...did it earlier before I came in to...help you.  We’ll leave just as soon as you’re ready.”

“Ready?”

He helps me up, and I shuffle along as he pulls me back to the bedroom.  He sits me down, and I find I’m in tears as he pulls some things together.  The gag, a sleep mask...

He’s getting ready to transport me, hide me from the world, so nobody will ever know what’s happened to me.

“I should tell you something.”  He crouches down to meet my level, and raises the blindfold down over my head, allowing it to dangle around my neck.  “I wanted to get this out in the open before we left, just so you would know to think twice before trying to....leave, okay?”

I just nod.

“Your family thinks that you left me.  The same goes for your brother.  I told them all that I don’t know where you went, but that you said you might spend some time abroad.  Nobody is going to come looking, Bets.  Nobody cares enough anymore.  They all think that you’ve simply walked out on your life.”

“Carter would never believe that,” I sob out the words, knowing it’s bold but not caring, because I know my situation is hopeless.

He slaps me, but I knew he would.

“You need to understand that I’m it for you now,” he says it to me after a while, once I’ve stopped sobbing.  “I’m all that you have in the world.  I’m the person you’ll be depending on for survival, and happiness.”  He pulls the blindfold over my eyes, and I feel him kiss my forehead.  “I don’t want to talk about this again.  Do you understand?”

“I...yes...”r32;

“Good.”

I’m gagged within seconds, and then I’m forced to shuffle forward, down some stairs, across some cement very briefly, and placed into the back of a car.  I feel him pulling something around my body, that forces me to keep my arms at my sides, maybe rope...but I can’t be sure.

“Relax.”

It’s the last thing I hear him say before I feel a blanket being thrown on top of me.  The door slams shut, and then another one opens and slams too.  I hear the car turn over a minute later, and then...then we’re on the road.  Preston plays business news, which eventually gets garbled and fuzzy sounding.  I feel so weak, so tired, and the most I can figure is that he put something in my food.

But I wouldn’t put anything past him now.

I fight.  I fight so hard to stay awake, because I don’t trust him...think he might bury me alive or wake me up and shoot me if I’m not careful.  My efforts are useless though.  Soon my eyes grow heavier, because of the dark blindfold, and then I slip away, off to a place without Preston.

And it’s only then that I’m at my happiest.
*************
I miss her.

It’s this deep ache in my stomach, the kind I used to get so long ago, when I had no money to get a fix and my body was dying for one.  I can’t deny that my love for her hasn’t faded at all, even though it’s been over a month now.  Until recently, Carter had been getting emails from her weekly.  He kept me updated and told me she was doing fine.  Apparently she’d been happy with Preston.  Apparently he changed, treated her well, and they were going through with the wedding.

I guess I should have been happier for her.

But I couldn't be, because the more I thought back on that day she left, the more I just...knew...Preston would never change his personality.  So that meant she might be lying, but I had no proof of that.   Carter wasn't sure what was going on with the wedding in the beginning.  He was told that they were supposed to be coming back for a visit, and so...I set my sights on that.  I figured I would pull her aside, talk to her, get her to tell me the real story, and possibly save her from a horrible future.

Carter’s been taking care of me, just like Betsy told me he would.  He picked me up from the hotel that day, and made me a part of his family, no questions asked.  He doesn’t cast me off into his basement, like Trace did.  His wife doesn’t treat me like I’m a piece of shit, like Kate did.  I have a room upstairs, and when dinnertime comes around, I’m welcomed to the table.  The kids have taken to me, I think.  They always ask me questions, and want to find out more about me.  Carter has told them all about Ava, and they want to meet her.  I’ve promised them that when things get back to normal, I’ll set up a play date.  It’s all they talk about now.  They’re great kids, and I’m starting to fall in love with them.

If nothing else, at least I’ll have them in the end of all this.

Marilyn has been great too.  I mean, she always makes me a little bit extra to eat, and likes to find out what my favorite foods are.  I think she can sense it...that I’ve been a little bit down since Betsy left, and I guess Carter probably filled her in.  I get the feeling that they’re the type of couple that doesn’t have secrets.  They just love each other...so much.  I see it everyday, how he’ll walk in from work, and she’ll be right there to greet him, give him a long loving kiss.  He seems to lose himself in her for at least fifteen minutes until the kids start begging for their attention again.  It’s the type of relationship everybody wants, but most never have.

It’s the type that Besty and I could have had, if things were different.

On the Tuesday before my hearing, a guy named Adam Perkins came knocking at Carter’s door, asking for me.  At first I was confused, but then, he told me Deb had sent him.  Apparently Betsy had left my forwarding address with Bakerfield Rehab before she left, so Deb would be able to find me.  I knew who he was then, and what he was there to do.  Marilyn welcomed him in, and we spent the next few hours talking about everything.  He really cares about Deb, told me if things were different and she wasn’t sick, they would have been married.  It looked like her disease had pushed him to the brink.  It didn’t look like he slept much.  His whole life was devoted to making Deb’s last months as good as they could be, and helping me, I knew, was a big part of that.  He told me he was going to do whatever he could to help me get Ava back, and I trusted him, because I had nothing else to lose.

Betsy’s boss, Darcy Reginson has taken over Ava’s case.  She’s a hard ass, and doesn’t always play by the rules.  She’s the same lady that got Trace’s son taken away all those years ago, only then, she wasn’t the head of DCF. She was just an agent, like Betsy was, but I’m assuming she deceived enough people to snag the position.  When Trace saw her that day in court, he had to walk out.  Later he would tell me that if he hadn’t, he probably would have done something regrettable, like put his hands on her...so I was glad he made that choice.

The Baxter’s, even though I hate them for trying to take my kid from me, don’t seem like such bad people when I look past the situation.  They really care for Ava.  I sat there during that Wednesday hearing, watching as Mrs. Baxter was asked different questions by my lawyer.  The woman didn’t seem to have an ounce of deception inside of her.  All she really wanted to do was give Ava a good home.  It was just unfortunate that I was slowly acquiring the means to give her one myself.  She couldn’t see that, because she had never met me, or taken the time to learn my story.  She hung on her lawyers every word...Preston’s fucking father, and I knew he probably fed her so much crap about me, she was bound to think I was scum, along with her husband.

I lost.  That judge was on the Baxter’s side from the moment he sat down on his throne.  He told me that while I had gotten a job, and a place to live, I was only starting out.  He said he wanted to see where I was at my six month interval, and didn’t see a reason to force Ava to live in a state home until then.  I was beaten then, and I knew it, wanted to lay my head down right there and die, but I knew I couldn’t.  I had to push myself to keep going, because I couldn’t let Ava down.

And I didn’t want to put all of Betsy’s hard work to waste.

After a lot of pushing from my lawyer (he’s great, Carter found him), I was able to see Ava one last time before she was carted off to the Baxter’s.  It was gut wrenching, and it took everything inside of me not to cry in front of her.  I only had an hour, so I made the best of it.  I sat with her, and we read a book.  She kept asking me where Betsy was.  Why she didn’t come to see her that day, and I had to tell her the truth, because I knew nobody else would.

“Miss Betsy’s getting married.” I smiled and stroked her face lovingly.  “She had to go be with her boyfriend.”

r32;“But...but she said she would say goodbye before she left,” she sniffed.

It was another person in Ava’s life that had let her down, and I felt horrible for the kid.  I hugged her tightly, and told her that even though Betsy was gone, it didn’t mean she didn’t love her anymore.  I don’t know if she bought into that or not, but she seemed to let it go as she curled up against me, and let me whisper things in her ear.  The rest of the hour seemed to go by like seconds, and then...then it was time to go.

“Mr. Timberlake.”

Darcy was standing there, hands on her hips, waiting for me to say my goodbyes.  

“Hey.”  I whispered it gently in my daughters ear.  Her face was still buried in my chest, which, on the inside, was on fire.  “Baby, it’s time to say goodbye.”

“No,” she moaned.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and I also knew that if she threw a fit...it wasn’t going to be like the last time when Betsy was there to witness it.  Darcy wasn’t about to play games, and would probably note that my Ava threw a fit because I had done something wrong.  “You gotta be strong for me.” I told her, gently pulling her away from my chest, and putting her down on the floor.  “Promise me you’ll be brave.”

She shook her head.  “I don’t wanna go with those people, Daddy,” she cried.  “Can’t you just...can’t you just take me home?”

“Mr. Timberlake, we need to get going.”

It broke my heart, seeing her that way, and I looked over my shoulder to give Darcy a glare as she stood there impatiently.  “Give me a minute.”r32;

She huffed harshly.

“It’s for the best right now,” I nodded.  “Those people are going to give you a nice place to stay.  They told me you’ll have your own room and everything.  It’s only for a couple of months.  Mr. Carter is going to train me at the bank, and by the time the judge talks to me again, I’ll be ready to take you home.”

“What if he won’t let you?”

It was something I didn’t have the right answer for.  My kid, while she was so young, was so smart at the same time.  She had a point.  What if they didn’t let me? What if they let the Baxter’s take my kid from me forever? I didn’t know what I would do, or how Ava would take it.  All I knew, was that I couldn’t let it happen.  “That won’t happen,” I told her, as I gently brushed some tears off of her face.  “Daddy’s gonna take you home.  I promise.”

She threw her arms around me, and sobbed, while I hugged her back tightly, rubbing her back to reassure her that I was going to keep my promise no matter what.

I just hope I can.

Ava was taken from my arms after that, and I yelled out my love to her, and she yelled it back as she was escorted away.  Then it was just me, alone again without my daughter, only this time I would be able to fight for her.  This time...I had the support I so desperately needed.

I cracked down after that.  I spent all day and all night cramming for the GED.  Carter and I did flash cards after he got home from work, and Adam would grade my practice tests, going over what I would get wrong.  Within a two week period, I felt somewhat ready to take the test.  Carter took me down to the facility one afternoon after work, and I finally did it.  I wasn’t scared anymore.  I could read, for the most part.  It wasn’t as intimidating as it had originally been, and the whole time I was in there, I kept hearing Betsy’s voice...telling me to keep going, that I could do it.  The results were supposed to take at least a month to come in, but for some miraculous reason, I got my results by mail a week later.  I’m not sure who’s doing it was, but I have a feeling that Betsy pulled some strings before she left, like she said she would.

But I wouldn’t have expected anything less from her.

I got an eighty two, and while it wasn’t a perfect score, nobody else seemed to care.  Marilyn and Carter made a big deal about it, took me out to dinner to celebrate.  Adam was there, of course, and had managed to get Deb out of Bakersfield for the occasion too.  It was one of her better days.  She wasn’t as pale, and in general, we were getting along.  It was different for us.  I couldn’t remember the last time we’d been able to talk like that, let alone afford a good meal.  Things were changing, for the better, after so much heartache.

I only wish Betsy could have been there to witness how happy I was.

It had been a month, then.  Carter said she didn’t call anymore, that her phone had been disconnected because she had decided to go away to ‘get her head together', according to Preston.  One look into his eyes told me he didn’t believe it for a second.

Neither did I.  He talked to his parents about it, and they wanted to report her missing.  Preston’s father stepped in though, told them that Betsy was fine.  That she and Preston were working out their issues.  They backed down.  Carter was mad, and so was I...but there was so much going on at the same time, that I guess...doing all that, faded from our minds for a bit.  Carter said he’d give it a couple of more weeks, and if he still hadn’t talked to her on the phone, he would go to the police himself.   I tried to make myself believe that Betsy was fine, just doing her own thing...

Deep down though, I just knew there was something wrong.

By this time I was in that walking cast, which made my life a hell of a lot easier.  I didn’t need crutches anymore, or the wheelchair, so when Adam took me around Los Angeles the following Monday to look at apartments, I was able to keep up with him.  We found a place for me that same day.  It’s in a quiet neighborhood on the North End.  Not the richest area, but not a bad area by any means.  It’s a good sized apartment, that will give Ava her own room, and the school is within walking distance.  Adam said that was a bonus, that it could only help my case.

He signed the lease, and told me he would take care of the rent and utilities for two years, to give me a chance to save some money when I got Ava back.  He also told me he had started a college fund for her, that she could cash in when she turned eighteen. I couldn’t believe it and asked him why he would want to do all of that.  He just got quiet for a few minutes, and then he told me he didn’t have anything else in his life.  That Deb was it, and soon she would be gone.

I felt so bad for the guy that I decided to let him do what he wanted, even though I felt like was being given a crazy advantage.  Still, it wasn’t like I had the money to support rent and utilities, and that was what the Judge wanted to see...that I had stabalized myself.  I knew it didn’t matter who he favored.  If I complied to my court agreement, I knew my chance at getting Ava back was secured.

We furnished the place quickly, and I had moved in by the end of the week.  Trace came by to see it right away, and couldn’t have been happier for me.  He told me I had achieved the impossible, and he was proud of me.  I think he left me that day, feeling reassured that I wouldn’t need to hang on to him anymore.

And I realized that I didn’t.  For the first time, I could stand on my own.  The only thing left to do was face my interview at Carter’s bank, which he prepared me for over and over again.  By the morning of, I felt like I was about to walk into a movie set, having my script memorized weeks before hand.

Carter’s boss seemed nice enough.  He told me he wasn’t around much, because Carter was so good at running the branch.  It was because of my record he wanted to conduct the interview, and I told him I understood.  The rest of it went pretty easy after that.  He seemed to like me, thought I had my life together, and told me he didn’t think there was any risk involved, but he also warned me not to mess it up, because it was Carter’s reputation at stake.  I got the feeling that Carter was one of his favorite’s too, and so, I promised to do everything by the book.

I got it.

It was an incredible feeling.  For the first time in so long, I had been accepted into society.  I had a normal job, a good place to live, and enough support to stay that way.

The only thing left to do, was get my daughter back.

The training at the bank has been going well.  Carter’s head teller is a nice middle aged lady who is very patient about teaching me everything I need to know.  The clients aren’t so bad, mostly elderly people who come to deposit their pennies, or housewives coming to withdraw money.  I do a good job, and everybody there has welcomed me onto the team.  Carter tells me if I keep this up, I might be promoted eventually...possibly to head teller if something else opens up for the woman who has the position now.

Everything is falling into place, and now, with the hearing only a few weeks away, I’m staring to feel the pressure.  It’s irritating the hell out of me, especially because I haven’t seen Ava since that day we said goodbye.  My lawyer fought for visitation, but the judge would only grant me monthly visits until the hearing.  He said it might ‘confuse her.’  I think Eli just paid the guy off, but since there was no way to prove it, I kept my mouth shut.  I’ll see her this weekend, and I’m planning to take her to see Deb, since Betsy can’t be here to do it.  Tammy was a lifesaver in that respect, getting the courts permission for me to take her up to Bakersfield.  A DCF agent will be there of course, watching me, but it’s the best I’m going to get.

It’ll be a good visit, at least that’s what I’m hoping.  I hope it’s a good day for Deb, health wise. One that Ava will be able to remember when she’s older.  I’d like her to have at least one good memory of her mother, if possible.

Kate gave birth too, a baby boy.  They named him Gregory, for her father.  He’s a good looking kid.  I went to the hospital once and have been to the house a few times since then to visit with them.  Kate and I have sort of made peace I guess.  Once, when we were alone, she told me she was sorry about the way she’d treated me.  She also told me that she had never seen me look as good as I did, as alive as I did.  She wants to be friends, and even though I knew we would never really be all that close, I shook her hand and agreed, because I didn’t want any bad blood between us.

Then, they asked me to be Godfather.  It was crazy, the last thing I expected but...so great at the same time.  I know things are going to be fine between Trace, his wife, and myself from now on.

I’ve gone to having nothing at all, to being on my way to having everything I’ve ever wanted...well, except for Betsy.  

Sometimes, I think if I could just talk to her, reason with her, she’d come back, forget about Preston and be with me instead.

But that’s unrealistic, and at this point, I can’t afford to be.  The focus is Ava for now...and all I can do is hope and pray that Betsy will pull through whatever it is, and talk to her family again, stop making her brother a nervous wreck.  Christ, I mean, at this point, I feel like I’m the one that’s keeping him from going over the edge.  It took me all of five minutes to see how much he suffers without his sister.  I know it’s always been like this with them...they were all each other had at one point, and a part of that bond never left them.  Sometimes I’ll be up late, going over my case or something, and I’ll hear him in his study.  He’ll be sobbing, but I don’t have the heart to interrupt.  Carter doesn’t like to let other people see him get emotional.  Betsy always told me that.

I just hope she comes to her senses, before her brother completely loses his mind, and everything he’s built for himself and for his family.

I guess I can say I’m angry at her.  Angry that she turned her back on her family, solely because of me.  I never asked her to do that.  I never wanted her to sacrifice herself for me.  She just...took things into her own hands, and something, deep down, is telling me she’s paying a devastating price.

But I have no idea what that price is, or if she can even be talked out of it at this point.  All I know, is that whatever Preston is doing isn’t right, and he needs to be stopped.

But with so much at his disposal, that seems more than impossible.

I sigh, and stare out my bedroom window, sipping my coffee and occasionally glancing down at my case notes.  I do this most nights, and whenever I look out into the distance, I hope that she’s doing the same thing, maybe even thinking about me.  It’s all I really have left, and it’s pathetic, but it keeps me going, just the thought of her, her smile and her laugh.  

I guess I’ll always love her, no matter how far away she is, and whenever she gets back home, I’ll make sure she knows that I love her more than anything else.

“I’ll wait for you, Betsy,” I whisper.  “I’ll wait forever.”

The moon seems to shine a little bit brighter, giving me hope.  Hope that it will all work out, that she’ll come home to me, and that we’ll be happy, finally, after all the horseshit and politics.  Ava will come next, i'll get her back, and Betsy can act as a role model.  i know she would.  Deb will be reassured before she’s gone, that Ava will have a woman to look up to, even if she isn’t her real mother.

It’s my goal, and I’ll sit like this every night, praying that it all comes true.

“Betsy.”

The voice is barely a whisper, and when I start to open my eyes, I fully expect to see nothing but inky black staring me in the face.  I find that I’m wrong though.  No, instead I see...I see Preston, and sunlight.  I squint, trying to get accustomed to it after so many hours in the dark.  I hear birds singing too, and feel a soft breeze sweeping over me.

We’ve arrived, and I know we’re still outside, but we won’t be for long.

“Grmph.”  I try to say it, but I’m still gagged and when I glance around, I find that he hasn’t even taken me out of the car yet.

“We’re here.” He gives me a crazy smile.  “It’s such a beautiful day too.  I pulled over and slept at the side of the road so you’d be able to see the outside during the daytime.  I knew...I knew it would be a while before you’d be able to come outside again.”

“Grrf.”

“It was a sedative.”  He tells me, obviously being able to tell that I’m still delirious.  “I’m sorry...but I couldn’t tell you about it.  You won’t be drowsy much longer, and I have some food inside.  Here, I’ll help you.”

He doesn’t remove the gag, or the handcuffs, or the anklets.  Doesn’t unfasten what I now know is another belt fastened around my upper body.  He just grasps me by the arm, and pulls me feet first out of the back seat,  he allows them to dangle over the side, before they slowly touch the grassy earth below. Then I’m pulled up, and Preston puts the mouth of his gun to my back before forcing me to walk along a winding path that eventually leads up to a very immaculate looking house.  I see...I see construction trucks parked over to one side, that are obviously vacant.  They say Hillway Construction.  They’re not here today...and I know he planned it this way.  It’s the perfect day for him to get me inside without being seen.

“Isn’t it gorgeous?” He sighs, as he pulls me to a stop in front of the house.  “Three floors, and a sub level that runs half the length of the house.  We’re completely secluded.  The next house is about fifteen miles from here, and I’ve already had an electric sensor installed that will tell me if anybody is coming on or off the property.”

I nod.

“Let’s get you inside.”  He rubs my arm a little, before willing me to shuffle further along.  We walk up the steps together, and to the door, which is key coded.  He puts his gun away, and moves in front of me to enter the pin, but I’m so delirious right now, that I wouldn’t be able to make out the numbers anyway.  Then it slides open, and I’m pushed inside.

“Six bathrooms, five bedrooms,” he begins, as he unfastens the belt from around my body, allowing me to move my arms once again.  “Pool, sitting room, grand room, game room, office.  Professional kitchen.  Rustic Oak flooring and paneling throughout,” he tells me, once he slides the door closed behind us.  “State of the art lighting, and motion sensors.  Voice activated, computerized surveillance and monitoring.  Once the construction is complete, if you call out from downstairs, I’ll be able to hear you from anywhere in the house.  It’s all here Bets, and there’s even more to come.  It’s all for you too, once I’ve gotten you past...everything.  Eventually, I hope to not have to use any of these things anymore...dismantle them all.  It will take years, unfortunately, but it’s all for the best...a good investment.”

“Grmph.”

“Oh here, let me take that off...”  He moves his hands around the back of my head, and unfastens the gag, shoving it in his pocket.  “There, better?”

“Thank you,” I whisper, stretching my jaw out the best I can.

He smiles.  “Come on.  I’ll show you where you’ll be staying for now.”

I try to tug away at the mention of my new prison, but he keeps a firm grip on my arm and ushers me along.  We go through most of the downstairs area, and down through the finished basement, before we reach another door.  When he opens it, there’s nothing but a closet, but he quickly finds a keypad hidden amongst the shelves, and presses some numbers into it.  Then the wall slides aside, and...and that’s when it’s revealed to me.

It’s as big as a studio apartment would be, with all the comforts of home.  There’s a comfortable looking bed, and on that bed, are four leather straps.  Two padlocked to the headboard posts and two padlocked onto the posts at the foot of the bed. I know they’re there to give Preston the option to tie me down quickly, if he feels the need.  I hope to God it won’t be a nightly thing.

I hope to God he’s only planning on using it as a punishment...for when I break the rules.

I’m terrified of what those rules might be.  Terrified because I don’t know if I’ll be able to abide by them all.

I also take the time to notice a flat screen television, private bathroom, desk with a small laptop, a walk in closet that I can already tell has been filled with dozens of outfits.  There’s also a small kitchenette with table, and when I gaze up at the ceiling, I see a camera positioned in each corner of the room, ready to spy on my every move.

“Great isn’t it?”

I just stare at him.  “Are you...are you going to strap me down to the bed at night?”

He sighs.  “Only if you’re bad, Bets.  It’ll be shut up tight down here, so there’s no risk letting you move around on your own, and the chains make for an extra bit of security.  Don’t think about those belts.  Pretend they’re not even there, okay?”

I just nod a little.

He leads me over to the bed, and sits me down, running a hand through my hair.  “I’m...I’m so glad we made it here without a problem, Betsy.”  He gives me a long, sensual kiss that I’m too afraid to back down from.  “I really think this is going to work out.  In fact...I think that tonight we should celebrate.  The workers will be here tomorrow, after all, and I’ll have to keep you locked up down here for the week.  You won’t see much of me, except for care time.  How about I help you shower, get settled, and changed? Then we can watch a movie and eat a little something.  I’ll bring down some things I bought at the store, and cook for you.  I was planning on making your favorite...Chicken Marsala.  How does that sound?”

I look down at my lap.

“Bets.  Now come on, I’ve made a lot of sacrifices.  The least you can do is thank me.”

He’s serious, but I can’t get the words out just yet.  I’m still shocked that I’m even here...in a place like this.  It seems like it would only exist in a movie or TV drama but Preston has made it a reality with his money and his father’s power.

Somehow, I know Eli knows what’s going on, and he’s fine with it, so long as he wins his case.

“I can strap you to the bed right now,” he threatens.

“No!” I say, as he pulls out the key to my chains, an angry expression on his face. “No...Preston...please...” I sob.  “Please don’t! I’ll...I’ll do whatever you want!”

“Then say what you’re supposed to say,” he mutters, staring at me with dark, empty eyes.

“It...it’s all wonderful, Preston,” I choke out.  “Thank you...thank you for everything.”

He sighs, and finally smiles again.  “Much better, Betsy.” He kisses my cheek and winks at me before getting up, and holding his hand out for me.  I take it, and he helps me into the bathroom, where he unlocks all the chains and helps me take my clothes off, kissing my neck and my body when I’m completely naked.  Then he...then he lays me down on the floor, and makes me have sex with him.  It’s not rough and he doesn’t try to hurt me, so I don’t try to stop him.  After, he runs the shower, making sure it’s at the right temperature before letting me in.  There is a shackle on the floor of the tub, and he cuffs my left foot down, before he’ll allow me to do anything else.  
Then, he watches me intensely as I wash myself, like he’s hungry for more, and I have do hold back my urge to vomit.  Then, when I’m finished, he unlocks the shackle and wraps me in a towel, getting me warm again as we head back into the main room.  He picks out a dress for me.  This one is new, pretty and expensive looking.  He makes me put it on after I get my underwear on, and accentuates it with one of my diamond necklaces.  Then, the chains are back on, and he stands back and smiles.

“Such a pretty picture.”

I grimace slightly, and then he kisses my face all over, seemingly oblivious to my feelings.

“I’ll be back soon, gorgeous.”

He walks away, punches the keycode so the door will slide open for him, and then he disappears back into the real world.  I’m left standing there, at a loss for words.  This can’t be happening, I keep telling myself.  I can’t be...I can’t be his prisoner.

But I am.  More so than I ever was back in the brownstone, and I feel the last ounce of hope slip away from me.  I’m not going to be able to grab his gun.  The only time I’m not handcuffed is when I shower, and he’s taken every precaution to prevent me from moving around.  I know escape is impossible.

This is going to be my life.  I sacrificed it...so Justin would be okay, and I guess a part of me can be happy knowing that he’ll have his life back, even if...if this is what happened to me.

I can’t hold that against anybody but myself.

With that in mind, I shuffle to the bathroom, lift the toilet seat, and vomit into it.
***********
It took a week for me to fall into Preston’s routine.  He still has that chime.  There’s different ones for each event of the day. It goes off in the morning, to wake me up, goes off fifteen minutes before noon, so I can prepare to have lunch with him.  It goes off an hour before dinner, so I can shower and make myself up for what’s usually a candlelight dinner and forced intimacy down here in the dungeon, as I’ve so affectionately named it.  It also goes off at nine thirty at night, signifying that I have an hour before I have to be in bed.  He’s told me several times that I have to obey the tones.  That it’s part of the second step.  If I’m not out of bed, or if I don’t shut the lights out when it’s time, I’m punished.  I messed up last week, overslept because I’d been crying for hours in the darkness the night before.  He gagged me and finally used those leather belts to secure me to the bed.  He left me that way for the entire day, to teach me a lesson.  My arms and legs felt like they were about to fall out of their sockets by the end of it...he pulled the things so damn tight, because he was angry.

I could barely walk for days, and the chains made my raw, chaffed wrists and ankles burn every time I would move my body.

Needless to say, I haven’t overslept since.

In fact, I barely sleep at all.

I’ve spent a month in this place.  I’ve been counting, and it’s been two months since he took me away from my life.  That means Justin has a month left until his court date.  I try not to think about him so much, because I...I miss him.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  I miss his smile, the way his eyes will light up when he’s with me, like nobody has ever made him happier.  I miss the way he can just...hold me, and make me feel like I didn’t have to worry about work, or politics...or anything else.  He allowed me to experience true love, even though I couldn’t face it, couldn’t admit it.

I’ll always regret it.  Regret how I walked out on him that night I said goodbye.  If I’d just listened, tried to work things out with him, I doubt any of this would have happened.  I was too hell bent on protecting him though, and what I realize now is that...Justin was ready to take complete control of his life.  If he wasn’t, he never would have asked me to stay.

If nothing else, I hope he can still hold his head high at the hearing, and get Ava back.  It will show Eli that even though he endorsed my kidnapping, it couldn’t guarantee he would win his case.  I hope that son of a bitch rots in hell.  The more I think about it, really think about it and analyze all of this, I know that Preston isn’t totally to blame.  Yes he snapped, and yes he did this to me, and yes he’s fucking crazy, but...his father provoked it, told him it was okay...that I deserved it, and that’s the biggest reason I’m here right now, locked away forever.

Preston allows me clocks and calendars, says he doesn’t see the harm in it.  It’s insane how fast the time dwindles away here.  Sometimes he lets me upstairs for a while, but I spend most of my time locked away down here.  Preston says its part of step two, and I don’t try to argue with him. I get lost in mindless television shows, always some kind of comedy or sitcom that forces my mind away from my situation.  Sometimes, I’ll watch all day, aside from the tones and Preston’s phone calls and visits.  It’s Netflix, not cable.  He’s blocked that out, so I can’t connect myself with the real world anymore.  He says I don’t need to worry about what’s going on out there, that it’s too commercial, will give me too many ideas, and so...I have to depend on him for any scrap of news from the outside world.  Sometimes he’ll tell me about world records, or sports, but that’s the extent of it.  

I make use out of the little laptop on the desk at times.  There’s some games and he’s granted me access to two websites: Bloomingdales and Nordstrom.  I’m allowed to shop at my will, he’s loaded his credit card into both sites, but I’m never in the mood.  I’ve tried to access other parts of the web of course, but it’s all password encrypted.  Once or twice it’s popped into my head that if I ordered something, a delivery man would have to come to the house, but I know even if I screamed, he wouldn’t hear me.  Nobody can hear me down here.  Preston told me the inner walls are constructed of reinforced steel, with a layer of soundproof foam over them, and then three layers of top quality concrete.  He’s always watching me too, on video, and soon...when the construction is complete, he’ll be able to hear whatever I say with the simple flip of a switch.  He tells me once he has that in place, if he hears me screaming or crying, he’ll punish me.  I’ve been working on myself since he told me that, been trying to figure out ways to relax and hide my emotions deep inside.

It’s so hard though, because I’m a prisoner, now more than ever.

I hope when I’m promoted to step three, I’ll be allowed to join the human race again.

A chime goes off, but it’s not a normal one.  It’s only two o’clock, and I’m no where near ready for dinner.  I rise up, off the bed, and stand several feet away from the sliding door, waiting for him to come through it and crucify me for not being on my game.  When he finally comes in though, he doesn't’ look angry.  There’s an excited gleam in his eyes.  He gets this way when he’s about to introduce something new to me, and I know it has to be big.  

I pray it’s something that can help get me out of this.

“I have a surprise for you.” He walks forward, and I plaster my smile on for him, before he kisses me.  “You’ve been so good this month.  You’ve really put all your effort into coping with everything.  The construction is nearly done, and today, they just finished something special I designed just for you.  Are you ready to see it?”

“That sounds wonderful.”

He takes my hand and I shuffle along, out the door, up the stairs, back into the regular part of the house.  It’s changed so much since the day he pulled me through the front door, and I realize that I’ve been shut away in the dungeon for entirely too long.  Every window has a sheet of chain link fencing covering the outside and inside...no need for keypads, and each and every door that I see has a keypad installed where the doorknobs should be.  Oh, and there are cameras.  Cameras everywhere.  It tells me he’s almost ready to move me upstairs, and while that gives me a little bit of hope, I know escape would be very difficult.

The last room we travel through is the kitchen.  Every cabinet is accessed by lock and key only, and the refrigerator is pin pad accessible.  He’ll use it as an intimidation tool when I’m moved up here...keeping me from food unless I follow his plan.

“You’ll earn the code to the refrigerator in time,” he reassures me, when we stop in front of the back door.  “Don’t worry about that, Bets.”

I nod.

“Now...please don’t struggle.  You’ll have to wear the gag while I show you this.”

“What? Why...no!” I shake my head rapidly.  I hate that thing.  “I won’t...I won’t make noise...I promise! ”

He sighs and gives me a sad look as he reaches into his pocket and takes out the belt he uses to gag me.  I whimper once more, try to fight him off by keeping my mouth shut, but...but then he takes out his gun, and shoves it up under my chin.

“Please don’t make this harder than it has to be,” he tells me, sternly, but sadly.  “C’mon sweetheart.  This hurts me more than it hurts you.”

I’m terrified, and when I hear him cocking the gun, I immediately open my mouth.  He pushes the wadded rag into my mouth, and I moan slightly when I feel him securing the belt portion behind my head.

I don’t understand, and I start to panic.

Is he...is he going to kill me?

“Relax.  I’m not trying to hurt you,” he reassures me, trying to calm my muffled cries.  “It’s just a precaution.”

I realize he’s put the gun away and I take a deep breath through my nose, in and out, trying to make sense of what he’s doing.  He’s showing me something...right.  There’s no danger...

There can’t be.

He enters the pin that slides the back door aside, and he leads me out into...into a sort of cage.  It’s constructed out of more chain link fencing, only leaving room enough to poke my fingers through.  It’s long, and roomy, runs half the length of the back of the house.  There’s patio furniture and magazines laid out on a small table, as well as a small refrigerator in the corner.  It would be a very normal, relaxing place if it wasn’t for the walls of fencing all around.  I realize there’s no way out either.  There’s no door, the only way out is to go back inside the key coded interior of the house.  The yard itself, is large, but a huge stone wall has been built all around the property.

Nobody will be able to see me sitting out here.

Even so, it doesn’t make the urge to scream leave me.  Surely, if I was loud enough, somebody would have to hear me?

Right?

“I know you want to go outside.”  He smiles, wiping the tears off of my face.  “This way, I can keep an eye on you, and you can relax out here, when you’ve earned the time.”

I look all around, my eyes wide.  Even above me, I see that the ceiling is constructed from fencing,with a piece of metal laid over the top to keep the rain out, and of course, there’s a camera watching me.

“No need to thank me, Bets.” He kisses my cheek gently.  “I told you that I was doing all of this for you.  And just to let you know, the people who built this aren’t concerned about what I’m doing with it.  They’re a private construction company about to go bust.  They’ll do whatever I ask them, as long as they get paid.”

Of course.

He pulls me back inside, and key codes the door shut.  “Going out there is a privilege you’ll have to earn, Betsy.  Act out, and you won’t see the sun for months.  Behave, and some day, that cage will get torn down.  That’s why I chose fencing.  It’s easy to remove on my own with the right tools.  You won’t be able to toy with it.  I have a device you’ll wear that will shock you slightly if you get too close to the fence.” 

He reaches around the back of my head, and unfastens the gag, pushing it back into his pocket when he gets it off.  “An hour a week, is all you’re going to get for now.  I’ve decided to spread it out, so you’ll go out twice a week for a half hour on Mondays and Fridays.  For the first few weeks, I’ll still have to gag you.  I’ll give you a pass on the way you acted today when I put it on, because you weren’t expecting it.  Next time, there will be serious repercussions if you try to fight me off.  Once you’re out there, the camera will let me know if you try to take it off too, and well...I don’t want to tell you how bad things would get if you tried that.  I hope you understand why I have to do it.  I have to make sure you won’t scream.  If you behave and sit quietly each time, I’ll consider letting you go out there without it on.  This is just another hurdle...getting you acclimated to the outside.  You understand don’t you?  It kills me to do this...all of this, to you, because I love you.  But, I feel that we’re making some progress.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Y-yes...I understand.  It’s...it’s wonderful, what you’re doing, Preston.”  I look at the ground as I say it.  Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I feel something start to splinter and crack, like a wooden shelf with too much weight on it.  “I’m so thankful.”

A few more weeks of this and he won’t need to gag me anymore.  I’ll be too far gone to care what he’s done to me, or what he’s planning to do next.

Although, I know that’s his ultimate goal.

The sound of his breathing jolts me out of my sleep, and I sit up, gasping for a breath.  I know the chime didn’t go off, and I look at him as he stands there, with some kind of device in his hands.  I won’t even question what it is.  At this point, I know he’s capable of anything.  He keeps telling me about the different things he’s planning for me...for us.  I tune him out, mostly, just smile and nod.  I don’t say much anymore, really, not unless he asks me a direct question.  He likes it better when I just listen and agree, and it’s the safest play.  If I go along with what he wants, if I don’t fight back, he’s happier, and a happier Preston, means a better life in here for me.

I’m losing my grip.  I’m coming up on month three of my imprisonment, and by the end of this one, I don’t know if I’ll remember my old life, my parents...Carter...

Or Justin.

He comes to me in my dreams, asking me what’s wrong, telling me to ask him for help, and I try to tell him.  But then the gag is in my mouth and he just gets frustrated.

Then he’s gone.

That’s when I wake up, sweating, crying...asking for somebody to help me.  Preston can’t hear me...not yet.  That device hasn’t been installed so far.  He never sleeps down there with me.  We have sex during the day, usually after my shower.

It’s something I’ve come to hate more than anything else.

I’d rather be strapped to the bed...gagged and deprived of water.

I can’t...I can’t take him touching me anymore.

“Morning baby.” He smiles and sits down on the edge of my bed, smiling as he runs his hand over my hair, something he loves to do.  “Don’t look so scared,” he laughs.  “It’s early, you didn’t miss your tone.  I just couldn’t wait, I wanted to try this out.  How about we get you dressed?”

I nod.

He pulls me out of bed and we run through the normal routine.  Cuffs off, shackled in the shower, wash myself, and then...towel dried and put into the day dress of Preston’s choice.  Then...back in cuffs, and I put on that smile for him he demands.  He kisses me, long and hard, running his hands underneath my dress and touching me inside and out.

I try not to whimper but I can’t hold back.

“Babe?”  He pulls back and stares at me for a long time, his expression full of confusion.  “I...I didn’t hurt you did I?’

“N-no...no I’m okay.” I shake my head rapidly.  “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not in the mood, is that it?”

He’s angry, and I wish I could have held my emotions back.  There was an episode last week.  I said something wrong...I can’t remember now, but I was punished...gagged and strapped to the bed.  He left me there for two days.  Two days, and I definitely felt a whole lot weaker after it was over.  Being inside all the time does that I guess...sucks the life out of you.  I’m getting paler all the time, and I sleep a lot more.  I can tell Preston is noticing the change.  He keeps telling me that he’s going to put a tanning bed in the house, so I won’t look sick all the time.  

“I...”

He yanks me to him.  “Don’t start with your crap.  You know I hate that.”

“I’m sorry,” I whimper.  “Preston, I’m sorry.”

He kisses me and I force myself to kiss him back, not making a sound when he lifts my dress up and continues to grope me.   “That’s what I thought,” he whispers, when he’s finally done, and pulls my dress back down again.  “Now here, let me get this on...”  He trails off and grabs that device off the desk.  It’s a large metal collar, with a lot of wiring and lights, but I know it’s a lot more than that.  He puts it around my neck, and smiles when it seems to be just the right fit for me. It’s a little heavy, but not so much that it’s uncomfortable.  It has a lever that Preston pushes up, and locks into place with a little key.  The thing gets tighter around my neck, as if I wouldn’t be able to pull it off if I tried to.  Then something beeps, and I know whatever it is, has been activated.  I have no idea where he got it.  Hell, the way he’s been acting, he probably made it himself.

I know it’s time for me to experience the outside.

He’s held off since he showed it to me, told me he didn’t think I was ready and that the ‘security device’ had some bugs.  I guess it’s fixed though...I guess he thinks it’s safe to let me out there now.  It’s been so long, that I don’t even care what he puts on me.  Just the thought of that warm sunshine on my face...the fresh air, fills me with more excitement than I’ve had in months.

He escorts me upstairs, and to the back door.  The gag goes on without any protesting from me, and then we are on the outside.  The fresh air feels warm and welcoming, despite my situation, and I try to focus on that more than anything else.

“Walk towards the fence.”

I do it.  When I’m within an inch, I feel the collar begin to vibrate, and then it makes a short, firm beeping sound.

“Take another step.”

I look at him.  His arms are crossed though, and the look on his face is telling me I better do it.

So I do.

Immediately I hear the thing start to beep much more rapidly.  Then I feel a powerful jolt of power rush through my body, and I scream through the gag as I fall to the ground.  I yank on the collar, but it doesn’t come off.  I cry.  I actually cry in front of him for the first time in weeks.

“It’s perfect.”r32;

He sounds...happy, and I can’t believe him.

I can’t.

He walks in front of me, and helps me up, consoling me as I break down and cry into his chest.  

“Calm down,” he whispers in my ear.  “It’s harmless.  It can’t hurt you, not unless you hold onto the fence.  Otherwise, you’ll just feel that sharp pain, every time you get too close.  You have to teach yourself to stay away.  I know you’re smart enough to do that.”

I just nod, trying to stifle my sobbing so my nose doesn’t get clogged up, preventing me from taking in air through my nose.

“Have a seat over here.”

He ushers me over to a patio chair and smiles as he guides me down into it.

I look down at my lap, at my chained hands, and nothing else.

“Be happy, Bets.  Today is your first half hour on the outside.  I’m going to shower, and when I’m done, it should be time to go in.  Maybe we can play Monopoly or something to kill the afternoon away, huh?”

Seriously?

“Try to have a good time.  It won’t always be this way.”  He says it happily, and I feel his hand running through my hair again.

He walks away, and as I see him entering the code to get back inside, I can see his gun peeking out of his pants.

God, I need to get it.

I can’t continue this way.  I can’t be treated like a science project anymore.  Everyday, it’s one more torture device after the next.  One day, it will backfire.

One day, I’ll be dead from one of his so called security experiments.

He’s finally gone, and I wait several moments before I’m convinced that he’s far from the door.  I grunt and groan, scream through the gag, hoping that somebody will hear my muffled cries.  But there’s nothing, just birds and the wind.  I eye the camera high above, wondering if he’s watching right now or if he’s distracted by his shower.

Maybe I can take the belt off...

Maybe just for a minute, scream...and...and maybe he won’t know.

I raise my hands, touch the belt, feeling it digging into my face.  I have marks there now.  Bloody chaffing marks on what was once smooth, soft skin.  I pull down, willing the belt to move.  But it’s tight, almost too tight.  I have to unbuckle if I want a chance.  I know he says the nearest house is fifteen miles away, that we’re alone...

But if we’re alone, why would he have to worry about somebody hearing me?

Maybe he’s lying.

I unbuckle, and the gag falls to the ground.  For a moment I just stare at it, not believing that I’ve disobeyed Preston, but only for a moment, before I come to my senses and stand up again, screaming louder than I ever have before.

“HELP ME! PLEASE HELP! PLEASE! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!”

Nothing.

I sob, sit back down.

I should have known better.

And then, the unthinkable happens.

I hear it...the door open.  Then, he’s standing there, smiling, as if he knew what I was up to all along.

“I knew I couldn’t trust you, Betsy.  Did you honestly think I would go shower like that, on your first day on the outside?”

I sit there, frozen, staring at him, trembling, like what I just did...is going to be the last thing I ever do. How the hell could I be so stupid? Of course it was a trick. “Preston...”

He storms over to me, and yanks me up. Then, he pushes me into the fence.  I get shocked a few times, and I scream so hard, because it hurts so bad.  Then I fall to the floor, and he’s on top of me, hitting me, telling me that I made a big, big mistake.  That he’ll never trust me again.

And I know he won’t.

He grabs the gag and forces it on again.  I try to force him off, before he can get the cloth into my mouth, kicking and scratching.  Nothing works, he’s not phased, and he doesn’t even have to use the gun this time.  Eventually, he gets the gag fastened again, and hauls me to my feet.  He unlocks the collar thing, tossing it onto the ground, before dragging me back into the house.  Nothing is said to me as he hauls me back to the dungeon, and I know what’s coming when he pushes me down on the bed.

“I don’t know what else to do, except leave you here.”  He holds me down, pressing his knee into the middle of my chest as he takes the chains off and straps my limbs to the bed.  “Maybe it’s for the best...maybe...maybe we just aren’t meant to be.  I’ll let you think about that, while your body shuts down.  It’ll take a week, maybe more.  I’m...I’m sorry, you know?  I wanted this to work out, but...it just doesn’t seem like it can.  You’ve disobeyed the rules, one of the biggest rules I set into place for you.”

“GRRRRMFFF!”

“Shh-shh,” he smirks, when he’s finished the job, and caresses my face.  “You’ll get dehydrated that much faster.”

I shake my head rapidly as he starts to back off.  My hope starts to fade, the tears flood my vision...I know he’s really serious.  He’s about to abandon me, leave me for dead, and nobody will ever know.

I have to stop him, but how can I?

I thrash around, moaning loudly and desperately, pleading for my life.  He turns and laughs while he watches me struggle.  “Oh Betsy.”

I sob pathetically, continue to shake my head, and for whatever reason, he doesn’t leave.

Thank God.

“What would you do with one more chance?” He whispers as he looms above me.  

I just whimper.

“Do you love me?”r32;

I nod, and sniffle.  

He smiles that insane smile he’s so famous for these days.  “If I give you a chance to live...you understand there are going to be severe repercussions for what you’ve done, don’t you?”

“Mmhm.”  

He slowly loosens the gag and lets it hang down.  “Are you prepared to accept your punishment?”

“Anything.” I rasp, my eyes filled with tears.  “Please...just...just don’t...don’t leave me here.”
 
He sighs harshly, and puts a hand to his mouth, debating something very heavily, before speaking again.  “I’ll be back in the morning.”

“But...”

The gag is back in my mouth before I can finish, and then he walks out, for real this time.  

I know when the morning comes, my life is going to change once again.  No longer will Preston be trying to make me comfortable, he’ll be dead set on torturing me instead, breaking me down bit by bit so I’ll never have the will power to try and fight again.

If I don’t do something, I know I won’t have another chance.  I just hope and pray to God that I can get a break, any kind of break, before it’s too late.
**************
“Wake up.”r32;

I’m being slapped in the face, and my eyes pop open.  I’m sore...everywhere, from another night of being tied down to the bed.  I groan, but when his gun is pressed into the middle of my forehead, I stop and stare at him.  

“Stay still.”

He puts the gun on the nightstand, so he can unstrap me.  I look at it.  I would only need a second or two out of his grasp.  Then...then I might have a chance.  He gets one wrist out of it’s restraint, and then goes down to work on my feet.  I keep staring at the gun.  It’s calling out to me, telling me to take a risk.

And then I hear Justin’s voice telling me to do it too.

“You’re stronger than him Betsy,” he tells me.  “I know you can beat him.”

I scrunch my face in determination, and the moment one of my feet is free, I kick him as hard as I can in the gut.  Surprised, he doubles over, trying to catch his breath, and I go for it.  I lean my body over as far as I can with my other wrist still tied down, and I grasp the cool steel handle in my hand, pointing it at him, as he gets his bearings.  He stares at me for a long time, smirking, as if I’m still under his control.

“What’re you gonna do, Bets? Kill me? Go ahead.  You’ll never get out of here.  Not without me.  Did you forget I have all the codes?”

I barely listen.  I can’t back down, not now.  I cock the gun and groan through the gag, motioning for him to finish untying me.  He does it, without protest, and I rip the gag off as soon as my other arm is freed, making sure to keep the gun on him.  “Get down.”  I croak.  “Do it.”

He laughs, and gets down on his knees, putting his hands in the air.  “So how are you getting out?”

“Give me the code.”

“Not happening, Bets.”

I walk right up to him and press the gun to his head.  “I swear I’ll do it,” I whimper.

“Then we can die together.  I’ll go first, and then you can use the other bullet to put in your own brain.”

I can’t believe this.  I can’t, and what’s even more insane? His idea is starting to sound appealing.

But I don’t want to die.  Not yet.

“What are you waiting for, Betsy?”  He says it very slowly, and then...he springs to his feet and lunges at me.

My instincts tell me to shoot, so I’ll be protected, and so I do.

The bullet hits him in the chest, and he doubles back just as his hands go to grab the gun.  His eyes get really wide, and he gasps for a breath as he clutches his chest and falls back down to the floor.  Within seconds, his shirt is stained with a large mass of deep scarlet blood.

I know he’s dying.

It causes the gun to slip out of my hands, and I put them over my head, trying to make sense of it all.  Did I shoot him? Is he really going to die here, with me, in this little locked room? Am I going to be trapped down here with him, while his corpse rots and I starve to death?

Oh my God.

“Be...Bets.”

It’s hardly more than a whisper, but I’m afraid to approach him.  Afraid that it’s an act...that he’ll spring back to life and kill me before he completely fades away.  I stay where I am, cross my arms, and continue to tremble, but I say nothing.

“I...I never...wanted things...” he trails off, and begins to cough up thick mouthfuls of blood.  “I never wanted...wanted to hurt you.”

“But you did.  You did sick fucking things to me,” I sob.  “Why?”

“I...I just wanted...to keep you...close.  Dad...said...to lock you...up.  Ga-gave...ga-ve m-me th-the m-m-money...s-s-said no-not to b-bring y-you ho-home...”

He trails off again, and I slowly approach him this time, shaking my head in disbelief, being able to see his eyes rolling into the back of his head.  Preston seems to channel all the energy he has left, to pull his cell phone out of his pocket, and he tosses it my way.  “F-forgive me.”

I kneel down next to him, and sob.  I stroke his face gently, and that’s so fucking crazy.  What the hell am I doing? After all he’s done to me...I’m showing him compassion?  I guess...I guess right now, I’m seeing that guy.  He’s not crazy Preston anymore.  He’s the one that I fell in love with years ago, that I’d been trying so hard to get back.  

But it’s too late now.  He’ll be dead soon, and then...

Then I’ll be here alone.

“I wish I could,” I cry.  “I wish we could have loved each other like we were supposed to. I...I wish you...I wish you could have thought things through, Pres.  It shouldn’t have come down to this.”

He smiles though, and keeps his eyes fixed on me.  It’s a small, weak, smile.  “I’ll...a-always love...love you, Bets.  I-I...I’m sorry.”

I grasp his hand as he reaches out desperately for a final touch from me, his eyes telling me that he means it.  That he didn’t want to do any of this.  That he just...lost his mind a bit, and his father gave him a suggestion.  A sick one, that he went through with.

Then he’s still, his eyes open in a vacant, everlasting stare.

He’s gone.

It takes me a few minutes to get over the shock of seeing him there like that.  Then something clicks on inside of me...that part that is immune to my situation, and determined to get out of here.  I search his body for some kind of paper or pad with the key codes written out, getting more of his blood smeared all over me, but I don’t find them on him.  They must be upstairs.  Right, upstairs...that’s where I need to be.

But how?

The phone.

I see it there on the floor, Prestons final gift to me, and I let out a crazy little laugh like I’ve never seen anything so wonderful in my life.  I snatch it off the ground, where he dropped it, and desperately dial Carter’s number with shaking hands, praying it’s still the same one.

“Preston...what the hell is going on! Enough with this bullshit! I want to know where my sister is!  I know you're a lying piece of shit!”  His voice comes over the line, enraged, and I know...I know it’s been a battle of his for some time, getting to the bottom of everything.  I knew he would never believe that I ran away, but he hasn’t been able to find me.  This place is entirely too isolated, and Preston never would have given me up.

“Carter?”

“Betsy...Betsy is that you?”r32;

“Carter please come get me,” I sob.  “Please get me out.”

“Where...Jesus...where are you?  Why haven’t you called me?  Why the hell did you disconnect your cell phone?  Fuck, do you know how...I’ve been going out of my mind, everyone has.  Preston said you left, but I wouldn’t believe it.  Mom and dad...they went up to the police and reported you missing, but they wouldn't look into it because...because they said you left on your own and...”

“Carter!” I scream it at him, and he shuts up immediately.  “Would you please...please just listen to me?”

“I’m...God Betsy, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know where I am,” I cry, I ignoring his apology.  “Preston blindfolded me when he brought me here.  I’m locked in the house.  The doors are...you need a code to open them.  I can’t leave.”

“Blindfolded you?  Betsy what the fuck...”r32;

“It’s a long story...I just...I need you to get me help.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s...”  I look at him again, lying there dead on the floor, and I break down, barely being able to get out a full sentence.  “He’s...he’s dead...I...he tried to...”

“Betsy...shh.”  

It’s horrible. I can’t even imagine what he must be going through on the other end of the line.  While he’s relieved that I’m alive, I know he wants nothing more than to get to me...but that’s going to take some time.  

“You have to call 911,” he continues.  “They’ll be able to trace the call.”

“It’s Eli,” I whimper.  “Eli was behind the whole thing.”

“Betsy, you have to call 911,” he repeats, his voice cool and calm.  “Everything else...we can talk about later.”

“No...no I can’t.  I can’t hang up...I need you, Carter.  I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you again.”

“You won’t lose me.  Betsy, I promise,” he reassures me, and I can hear the crack in his voice.  It means he can’t hold his emotions back for me much longer.  “God...just do it okay? I’ll...I’ll be on a plane to wherever you are as soon as I can.  The police will get me there.  Now hang up and dial.”

“I can’t.”

“I know you’re scared.  But you have to.  You’re brave, Bets.  You’re so brave.  I know you can do this.”

I take in a long breath, close my eyes.  I know he’s right, that it’s the only way.  “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I painstakingly end the call, and quickly do what he’s told me to, all the while keeping my gaze fixed on Preston.  It makes me sick to my stomach, and I dry heave a couple of times, before the operator picks up.

“911 what is your emergency?”

“My name is Betsy Collins,” I whimper.  “I’ve been held hostage for almost three months.  I don’t know where I am, but please send help.”

“Is the suspect with you?”

I gaze down at him, lying on the floor.  “He...he tried to kill me, but I...he...he’s dead.”

“Okay.  That’s okay, ma’am.  Just stay on the line, and we’ll attempt to trace the call.  Can you tell me anything about where you’re being held?”

“I’m locked in here...the doors in the house only open if you have the codes.  I’m in a secret room...down in the basement.  Please tell them that, and please send my brother...Carter Collins,” I whimper.  “He’s in Santa Monica.  I...I need to see him, please.”

I break down, sob harshly into the phone, because I don’t know what else to do.

Fucking Jesus, there’s a dead body ten feet from me.  A body that I made that way.  A body that, at one time, was alive, and so much different.  It was a man who loved me, and that I loved, until he changed.

“Just hang on ma’am.  I need you to remain calm and stay on the phone with me.  We've pinpointed your location, and help is on the way.”

I sob some more, and sink down to the floor, relieved.  It’s happening.  

It’s finally happening.

I’m getting out.

I'm getting out, but I know...I'll never be the same.

The weekend before my hearing was as stress free as possible, and that was thanks to my amazing friends.  I spent time with Carter and his family on Saturday.  He loaned me one of his best suits for my hearing and took me down to get a nice pair of shoes and new tie to match it.  After, we had dinner, and Adam joined us.  On Sunday Trace and I took a much needed day together, attending an NA meeting at night that was absolutely vital.  I hadn’t been in such a long time, and it was bad.  If I was going to get Ava back, and keep her happy and healthy, I had to make sure I stuck to my meetings.  Not that I had any intention of going back on drugs, but the meetings played a big part in keeping me off of them.  Drug addiction isn’t something you ever really recover from.  You live with it, and meetings, sponsors, family support, and self control, all play a big role in keeping yourself from taking that step back into disaster.  

It was nice to go, see old faces.  Most of the people there shook my hand, and couldn’t stop talking about how great I looked.  I talked that night.  Usually I don’t, just listen, but I guess...I had a lot to share, had a lot I could say that would give the people there hope.  I told them about Ava, how I was on the brink of creating a new life for us, how I was scared but...that I was ready to take a risk, because I loved her.

It left me with so much energy, so much hope, for the hearing.

I felt like I couldn’t lose.  That something, or somebody, was there with me, helping me along, telling me I could do anything I wanted to, because I was strong.

I went to bed that night, confident that by the end of the next day, I would be walking away with my daughter in my arms, hers forever.

My lawyer, Gavin, picked me up the next morning, and we got to the court house a couple of hours before my scheduled time.  He said it made me look good, prepared, and I had to agree.  The Baxter’s weren’t even there yet, so I figured I had an advantage.  It was only an hour and a half later, when I saw them coming our way, their new lawyer behind them, that I started to feel the pressure again.  

I went into the nearest restroom, and splashed some water on my face, trying to calm myself down as much as I could.  I realized I was hyperventilating a little, my heart was beating furiously in my chest, and I felt sick to my stomach.  I really...I really needed Betsy then.  I pictured her in my mind, standing behind me, smiling, rubbing my shoulders, telling me that everything was fine.  That I had worked hard, and the judge would see that.  It made me feel better, but only slightly, because she wasn’t really there...

And I knew she wasn’t that same girl anymore.

“Justin.” Gavin stuck his head in the mens room and gave me a tight smile.  “Tammy just got here.  We’re waiting on you.”

It was time, and there was nothing else to do but hold my head high and go out there.  What came next, I knew, would be up to fate entirely.

Tammy hugged me when I got out there, and apologized that she hadn’t been in touch for a while.  Of course I didn’t blame her.  I knew how the business worked better than most people, and told her I was just glad she had come.  Gavin and Tammy briefed me after that, told me how things would work, and what I should say or do when I was asked questions by the judge, and the Baxter’s lawyer.  Trace came soon after that, sat me down and helped to calm my nerves like so many other times in the past.  I was thankful to have him there by my side, but I guess...I never doubted that he would be there for me.

Adam came next, joining in our conversation for a while, and Carter came last, his expression grim, and serious, like he’d just been through something.  Even when he forced a smile and wished me good luck, I could tell he was anything but okay.  I knew it had to do with Betsy, and that she obviously wasn’t coming.  I tried not to be disappointed, but I couldn’t help it.  I guess...I guess I thought she would have come to her senses and realized how important that day was.  It wasn’t just about me, it was about Ava too.  It was about all the hard work she’d done to get me this far, and she just...she was just blowing it off like it meant nothing.

I knew I would never be able to rely on her, for anything, ever again, and while that hurt, I’d been let down by others in my life so many times, that I knew how to pick myself up again, and move forward with my life.

So I did.

The hearing went by so fast.  One minute we were there, being asked to stand as the judge took his seat up high, and the next, I was on the witness stand, being asked questions by Gavin, spilling my heart out to the courtroom about everything I’d been through and everything I’d done to get Ava back.  Naturally, the Baxters lawyer came at me with his usual bullshit.  I was a drug addict, I couldn’t change, I was a high risk.  I was scum.  I didn’t let it tear me down.  I just answered his questions, keeping my daughter in the back of my mind, knowing I had to be strong for her.

It was only when they brought her into the courtroom that I started to get emotional.  Gavin told me it might happen.  That the judge might have wanted to hear her side of things since she was old enough to understand a lot of what was going on.  Audra brought her in, walking her up past the benches, and smiled at me as she led her up to the witness stand.  I was nervous for my girl.  I didn’t want them asking her too many questions or making her upset, but I had to keep my cool.  I knew it meant everything, hearing what she had to say.  The judge was going to take it into account.

“Hi Daddy,” Ava hissed it and waved, but everybody could hear her.  

I smiled softly, and held a finger to my lips, telling her to quiet down.  

“Hello, Ava.”

The Baxter’s slimy lawyer approached my daughter, and I had to literally sit on my hands to keep myself from doing something stupid.  

“Hi.”

“How have you been?”

She shrugged.  “Fine.”

“I heard that you’ve started taking riding lessons at the stables.  Is that true?”

She looked down at her lap, like she was ashamed.  She hadn’t told me, but it didn’t matter.  She wouldn’t have.  She didn’t want me to feel bad, because it was something I couldn’t afford.

“Is that true, Ava?”

“Yes,” she squeaked.  

“You like it, I’m sure.  You have your very own horse, don’t you?”

“Sarah said I could have him,” she said slowly, eyeing me a little bit.  I just smiled at her though, like I couldn’t have loved her more, and she seemed to calm down because of that.

“You know, Ava.”  The lawyer leaned up against the witness stand and smiled slightly.  “If you were to go live with your father, that horse wouldn’t be yours anymore.  You’d have to give him back to Mrs. Baxter.”

“I know that.”

“Wouldn’t you miss that? Having all that fun with the Baxters and their son?”

“Maybe,” she said softly.  “But my daddy needs me.  He needs somebody to take care of him and make him happy again.”

I laughed, and so did the rest of the courtroom, but I was still uneasy.  I knew how lawyers like that worked.  They could twist a childs words around, make them sound like whatever I could give Ava, would never be enough.

“Don’t you think that you’re too young to be looking after your father, Ava? Don’t you think it’s time that you let somebody with the means...give you the things you deserve?”

“Objection.” Gavin rolled his eyes.  “He’s leading an impressionable child, your honor.”

“Sustained.  Get to the point, Mr. Walkins.”

“Withdrawn.” He smiled slickly.  “Ava...who do you want to live with?  If the choice was yours, right now, what would you say?”

“I told you people already.” She rolled her eyes.  “I want to go home with my daddy.”

“What about if your daddy runs out of money, or food? Loses his job and starts doing bad things again?  Would you still want to live with him then?”

“I did before.  I can do it again.”

She smiled, but I knew how bad that sounded.

“Obviously, she’s too young to know what the best thing is for her your honor.  No further questions.”

The slime bucket returned to his seat and started whispering to the Baxters with a sick smile on his face.

I felt beat, but a small pat on the shoulder from my lawyer told me to keep my head up, because it was his turn.  He got up, and greeted my daughter warmly, stood in front of her so the slime bucket lawyer couldn’t intimidate her anymore.

“Ava, you’ve missed your father haven’t you?”

She sighed.  “I miss him every day.”

“And your mother.  What happened to her?”

She looked down at her lap, and my heart skipped a beat.  I didn’t want her to have to remember that, even though Gavin probably had a plan.  I wanted to get up then, shout at them all to leave her alone, that she was just a kid and didn’t need to be tortured like that.  But I couldn’t.  It would ruin my chances and so I just sat there, my head in my hands.

“She went to heaven,” I heard Ava say.  “She got sick.”

“So then...your daddy...he’s really the only person left, then.  Your only real family.”

“Yeah.”

“And you want to be with him, so you can keep your family together, is that right?”

“I just want to be with my daddy.  The Baxters are nice and all...but...but it’s not the same.  They aren’t funny like him and they don’t know how to listen to my stories like he does.”

“Do you think you would be sad, if the judge said you had to go live with the Baxters today?”

“I won’t go.” She said it firmly.  “I wont and you can’t make me.”  She pointed at the judge with pouty lips.  “I want my daddy you meanie!”

She stuck her tongue out at the judge, who sat back and narrowed his eyes at her, like any grandparent type would.  “That’s enough young lady.”

More laughter ensued but I just sighed as I felt a single tear glide down my face.  She was a character, definitely my kid. I felt terrible for her, how confused she probably was, and I knew I would feel even worse if the judge decided that she didn’t need to be with me after all.

“No further questions.”

Gavin sat down and gave my shoulder another reassuring rub as he laughed.  I just stared at Ava.  She was excused quickly, helped down off the stand by Audra, and led out of the courtroom.  Ava blew a kiss at me, and I pretended to catch it, forcing a smile for her before she vanished from view.

“Judge, I would like the court to take into account the fragile state of mind of the child.  Surely, she needs a stricter presence in her life with that type of disregard for authority,” Mr. Walkins said quickly.

I rolled my eyes.

But so did the judge.  He was the same judge that Eli had persuaded to only grant me monthly visitation, and I wasn’t sure what his game was, but I was glad that he wasn’t exactly siding with Mr. Walkins.  “A bit of childish antics aren’t such a bad thing, coming from a ten year old, Mr. Walkins.”

He sat back down.

Audra re-entered the courtroom after a moment, and was called forward by the judge to give her assessment of my case file.  It was Betsy’s account of events, I knew it was, right up until the home inspection.  I closed my eyes as she read the words off of her notepad, picturing Betsy writing them, knowing there was love there, when she wrote it.

I think that was the biggest thing that saved me, that stuff she wrote.  It was the woman I knew, not the woman she’d turned into, and I felt that longing.  The one that told me how much I really did love her, how much I needed her.  But I knew...I knew that was all over.

I couldn’t dwell on it anymore.

“...At this time, the state highly recommends that the minor be placed in the sole custody and care of Mr. Timberlake.”  Audra looked at me as she finished, and closed her notes up, smiling at me with tears in her eyes.

“Does the state have anything else they would like to point out to the court?” The judge asked.

“We do not your honor.”

“Very well.”

Audra took her seat and I stared up at the judge then.  He was looking over my file, just like the old always did.  There was a lump in my throat the size of a baseball, and I loosened my tie a bit, because I was starting to sweat a lot and I couldn’t breathe.

“I’ll take a short recess,” the judge spoke up as he removed his reading glasses.  “And will announce my decision when I return.”

He slammed his gavel down.

When he left, I went into the bathroom and hurled up my breakfast.

Trace came in, because he knew exactly what I was doing, and made sure I drank some fluids before he got me back into the courtroom.  

“Whatever happens, J, I know you’ll be okay.  You can re-file for custody.  Gavin’s good. We’ll fight this thing until they get sick of us and give in.”  He smiled.

“I know...I...I know, Trace.”  I smiled back.  “Thanks.”

He patted my shoulder, and then...then the judge reemerged.  

“Get her back, J.” He nodded, and then went to take his seat again.

I did the same, and Gavin casually whispered at me to relax as the judge took his seat and brought the court to order.

“I’ve made my decision,” he sighed, and looked between myself, and the Baxters.  They were smiling, naturally, thought their ultra expensive lawyer and money had sealed the deal long ago.

I started to pray.  To ask Deb to look out for us, to help us.  

“The child will need proper care.  Something she’s been denied for most of her life,” the judge began, seriously.  “Drugs, and homelessness, should never be a part of any childs life, but unfortunately, in this case, both of those things have played a major part in this childs life for many years.  She was left in the care of an irresponsible young man who was barely an adult himself.  Who can we blame in this instance? Who’s fault is it really? There is no one person to blame.  The reason we are here, is to ensure the welfare of this young lady will never be compromised again.  That’s the most important thing.”

I felt it.  That’d I’d lost.  Everything inside of me, started to crumble, and I rubbed my face with my hands, trying so hard not to lose it.  After everything, after how hard I worked, the judge could only sense that I would turn into a junkie again.  He was wrong though.  So wrong but...but there was nothing I could say.  It wasn’t my place to at that point.

“However.”

I looked up.

“I have reviewed this file many times.  It’s more than obvious, Mr. Timberlake, that you have worked extremely hard to create a loving, healthy, environment for your daughter.  You’ve also remained sober, obtained a job, kept it, and are well liked by your peers.  It’s been a drastic change in your life, young man, and if nothing else, you should be proud of your accomplishments.  My biggest issue, has been trying to determine if you would ever be tempted to go back to your old ways.  The Baxter’s, naturally, have never been in trouble with the law, have all the means to take care of Ava well into adulthood, and secure her with the finest schools and the best college education, among other things.”

I nodded.  I understood, and I was prepared for the worst.  It was going to come down to money.

It always did.

“My decision had been made for some time,” he continued.  “Until that little lady sat up there and stuck her tongue out at me.  I feel that...if I did award this child to her potential adoptive family, she would lose that light, that vibrate energy inside of her, and no child should ever be forced to be unhappy.  Therefore, it is my decision, that this child be placed in the custody and care of her father, permanently.  Parental rights are reinstated.  Adjourned.”

The gavel slammed down, and he smiled at me, before leaving the bench.

I just sat there at first, while my friends erupted into cheers from behind me.  Gavin shook me a little bit, shouting excitedly in my ear, while my mouth just hung open.

I just...I just couldn’t believe it.

“DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!’

Somebody had let my daughter in, and she ran to me before I could get to her, bursting through the gate that separated the benches and the courtroom floor, and throwing herself into my arms. I scooped her up, and I cried.  I couldn’t help it.  I just cried so hard into my baby, because I loved her, and she...she was mine again.

“Don’t cry, daddy.” She grinned when I was finally able to look into her face again.  “We’re going home now, right?”

“Yeah.”  I sniffled, and kissed her face all over.  “We are.”

I carried her out of there, my friends behind me, and I didn’t look back.  

I haven’t looked back since.  Just moved forward with our lives, determined to make it the best it can be, so my daughter will never have a reason to be so withdrawn from society ever again.  It’s been a few weeks.  Ava’s adjusting well, just started school a few blocks from here.  I walk here there every morning, and pick her up every day.  Carter’s adjusted my schedule at the bank so I’m always there for her, and my pay stays the same. Her teacher is really nice, very open to the situation.  She’s made it clear that I can talk to her about anything, any time I feel the need, and that’s good.  It makes me feel better, knowing I can trust somebody that sees Ava every single day.

I feel new.  I feel...I feel like a person.  Like the man I would have been if I didn’t get wrapped up in drugs.  I’m not stupid like I always thought I was.  I’m actually a smart guy with a lot of logic when it comes to working hard.  I learn quickly, and I’m excelling at the bank every day.  Carter has convinced me to take some business management courses down at the community college.  I’ll go to a class a couple of nights at week, leave Ava at Carter’s house, and possibly advance at the bank when I finish.  It would be good.  It would mean a promotion and more money, and Carter tells me I can start saving for a down payment on a house for us when that happens.  That he’ll help me with the loan when the time comes.

I’m on top of the world.

There’s just one thing missing.  It’s her.

She’s gone.

She’s been gone for about a month now.  No explanation, no note, she just left that condo and didn’t look back, didn’t call...didn’t care. Carter broke down shortly after we found out she was really gone, told me they had a fight the day of my hearing, that she pushed him away and that he left because of it.  Nobody holds it against him, but I can tell he feels guilty about it.  He’s worried sick but he’s been trying to hold himself together.  If it wasn’t for his family I don’t know where he’d be.  

Of course I’m worried about where’s she’s at, what she’s doing, what kind of people she’s met.   I know she’s lost herself, that she’s out of her mind right now.  It scares me, because I don’t know where she would go, and Betsy isn’t cut out for the streets.  If anybody would know that, it’s me.  

“This one!”

I sigh and smile at her as I take the box of cereal from her hands and look at it.  “Magic Mallows, huh?”  

“It’s alllll marshmallows shaped like magic hats and stars and it has little sugar puffs, daddy.” Ava informs me, expertly.  “Can we try it? Please?”

Grocery shopping immediately became a sacred past time for us when we started doing it.  It occurred to both of us I think, that in our old lives, we’d never done it, because the money was never there.  It’s kind of fun, going to the store with her, now that we’ve gotten a pattern down.  That first shopping trip, I bought more candy and sugar coated cereal than actual food.  Marilyn laughed at me when she, Carter and the kids were at my place one night for dinner and could only find cereal and candy in my kitchen.  She taught me how to make a normal shopping list, after that, budgeted to the amount I wanted to spend, and also taught me how to clip coupons for the things I bought all the time.  It worked.  We have plenty of food now.  Sometimes Ava will pout when I tell her something she wants isn’t in the budget, but as I’ve learned, saying no is part of parenting too.

I just hate saying it though.  

“Those Frosted Flakes have a bigger box for the same price, baby doll.”  I hand it back to her.  “We got the cupcakes you like, remember?”

She scowls.  “Ohhh! But Daddy!”

“Ava.”  I narrow my eyes at her.  It’s the same look the judge gave her on the stand that day, and I’ve learned quickly that it works well.

“Fine.”  She plops it down.

I laugh and drape my arm around her, rubbing her shoulder a bit to get her mind off it. “Go and get the Frosted Flakes, okay?”

She smiles and happily does it, completely forgetting about her beloved marshmallow cereal in seconds.  I laugh when she puts the box in the cart and starts skipping off towards the end of the aisle.  “Juice child!” I call out as I glance at my list, in a stupid ass voice.  “Yonder round the bend!”

“Aye aye!”

She races around the corner, and I step up my pace so I don’t lose her to the toy aisle or something.  I find her in the right place, thankfully, talking to somebody that I’ve never seen before.  I frown a little, and walk over, my protective instincts taking over automatically.  “Ava.”  I call out, with warning in my voice.

“Daddy it’s Miss Valerie!” She turns and smiles as she points at the smiling woman in front of her.  “From my school!”

“Oh...” I trail off and feel my cheeks get a little red.  It sucks.  I still haven’t learned to calm down, to get it out of my head that the rest of the world isn’t out to take my daughter away.  “Sorry.  Hi...”

“You must be Justin.” She laughs a little and shakes my hand.  “I’m Valerie Watts, the new teachers aid.”

“Oh...oh yeah, Mrs. Hicks was telling me she just got a new one.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you finally.  I hear fifty stories about you a day from your little chatterbox.”

I blush and laugh, glancing at Ava who has become distracted by the selection of Juicy Juice, as I let go of Valerie’s hand.  She’s nice, real young...kind of pretty...blonde.  I don’t usually go for blondes but there’s something about her.  I guess it’s her smile.  It’s real genuine, one in a million.  I feel like I can trust her, and right now, there’s nothing more important to me.  “Yeah...well...we’re kind of obsessed with each other.  If I took the bus, I’d be one of those people who would force you to see all the pictures I had on me of Ava.”

“My Gram does that.” She rolls her eyes.  “Tells everybody about her college educated grand kids...all that.  One day I’ll do it too, I’m sure.  How um...how is everything going at home?  Mrs. Hicks told me a little bit about Ava...I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”  I’m used to it of course, and since she sees Ava everyday, I’d prefer her to know her backstory.  “It’s going pretty good, you know...she gets mad at the normal stuff.  She can’t have a certain toy or cereal and she gets pouty but nothing major.  She’s a strong kid, she’s always been.  I think she likes school too.  She doesn’t complain, except when she doesn’t feel like doing her homework.”

“What kid likes doing homework,” she chuckles.

“Exactly.  You sure you want to be a teacher?”

She laughs.  “I always said I wouldn’t be one of those homework kind of teachers, until I learned why it’s given.  I want to be fun though, you know? I want to make it fun and exciting for them.”

“Well, I’m sure it’ll work out,” I smile.  “Ava’s a pretty good judge of character.”

“So if she likes me that means I shouldn’t pick a different career then?”r32;

“I wouldn’t.”

We both laugh.

“Well, maybe I’ll see you around,” she says, as she goes to get the cart that’s been resting behind her.  “I’m usually outside after class.  I work the after school program, chasing small children around the playground.  It’s a gopher job, and extra check, until I get my degree. Come find me sometime.  It’ll save me from talking to eight year old boys all afternoon.”

“Maybe I will,” I smirk.

“See you.  Bye Ava!”

“Bye Miss Valerie!”  She runs up to our cart again, and puts her juice selection inside, waving to her teacher as she laughs and walks away from us.  “She’s really nice.  She always helps me when I have a question, daddy.”
r32;“Yeah?”  I smile and pat her on the head as I stare after Valerie until I can’t see her anymore.

No.  No time for women.  I have to focus on Ava...yeah.

You have to live your life too, Justin.  I want you to be happy.

C’mon Deb.  Not now.  

But if not now, when? Betsy is fucking gone, gone, and she’s not coming back.

Maybe it’s time to start living some more, to move on.  Ava is practically settled, is doing great with me, and...she needs that female presence in her life.  Of course it wouldn’t happen right away, but a date once in awhile, with a female other than my daughter might do me some good.

Maybe I’ll go see her sometime.

Maybe it’ll be good.

“Come on daddy! Ice cream!”

“Get the sale brand!” I smile, laugh, and follow my daughter into the abyss of the grocery store.

Life doesn’t get better than this.

“Let’s go, Betsy.”

I sit up in bed as he hands me my usual morning cocktail of pills in a little plastic cup, along with a glass of water.  I take each pill, one by one, and he inspects the inside my mouth when I’m done with his little flashlight, to ensure I’ve swallowed them all. 

“You left your laundry in the dryer again,” he says, as he takes the empty water glass from me.  “Marilyn said she needs to wash some clothes before tonight.”

He’s moved to the doorway now, and is fixing his tie, his expression grim, and full of disappointment, as always.  It’s the third Saturday of the month, Carter’s turn to run the weekend shift at the bank, and I can tell already that he’d rather be home, keeping an eye on me instead.  “Oh...” I smooth a strand of hair back behind my ear.  “Sorry.  I’ll get it in a minute, Carter.”

“I don’t want my wife to be picking up after you anymore.  I had to stop her this morning.  That’s just being lazy on your part, and I won’t tolerate it.”

“Okay.”r32;

“You’re not even dressed yet.  I want you to take a shower, Betsy.  Make sure you put on some clean clothes too.  Nothing off your floor or out of the hamper. Then go get your laundry, fold it, and put it away.”

I just nod. 

“After you do all that, I want you to help Marilyn with some housework until I get home.  The top of the mantle needs to be dusted and the guest bathroom needs to be cleaned.  You can do that.  Make sure you’re thorough.  I want the bathroom floor mopped.  It’s the least you can do, considering she’s putting this thing together for you at the last minute.”

“Okay...fine.”

“Make sure you thank her.”

“I thanked her last night.”

“Thank her again,” he says, bitterly.

“Fine.  I’ll thank her again, Carter.”

“Don’t forget to remind Marilyn to give you your meds at noon, and make sure you take them with food.  I’ll count the pills when I get back.  The dose better be gone, and don’t even think about trying to ditch it.  I’m giving her the flashlight.”  He scowls, shoves his hands into his pockets, and stalks off.

“Have a great day.” I mutter it to myself, and after a few moments, I force myself to get up and start moving.  As much as I hate the way he just spoke to me, I know if he wasn’t so blunt, I’d probably just lay in bed all day, neglecting my shower and clean change of clothes.

It’s pathetic.

I’ve been home for a week, have been on my best behavior, done whatever he’s asked me.  Despite my efforts, he’s still angry, so angry at me, and he treats me like a child, every day.

I don’t think he’ll ever stop being angry at me, though, and that’s my own fault, because I’ve spun him around in circles this year, too many times.  He wouldn’t throw me out, no matter how bad the situation was, and...it was very, very bad.  The part of him that’s still trying to protect me from the rest of the world, like when we were kids, refuses to give up on me.  It’s the only part of him that I have left, and I know that this is my last chance to make everything up to him.  I know if I fail, he’ll slip away, forever, and I couldn’t take that...even though, in the past, I was sure I could make it through life without my brother.

He should have thrown me out the second time around, left me to fend for myself, because I was hopeless.

I’m still hopeless, only, I’m sober now.  Clean, for the first time in almost a year.  He’s not concerned about that though.  He’s only concerned about making sure I stay this way, and he’ll breathe down my neck like this, control everything I do, for quite some time, to ensure it.  I know, somewhere inside of him, he’s still my Carter.  My brother, my best friend...

I just have no idea when I’ll be able to get that part of him back.  It upsets me a lot, but most things upset me these days.  That’s why I’m on all these meds.  Anti depressants, mood stabilizers, pills that help me sleep, and pills that prevent my drug cravings from coming back.  They all make me feel weird, sometimes I get sick from them, but mostly, they cause me to be in this weird daze.  I smile, but I don’t feel it, but that’s okay, because everybody else sees it as “Betsy is doing okay.” My shrink advised us about the side effects of all the medication before she wrote the prescriptions, of course.  Said I wouldn’t be myself part of the time, but that I’d be regulated.  Carter said it was fine, that he could handle it, and monitor my dosage like he’s supposed to.  He doesn’t care how I feel on the meds, he just wants me to be his sister again. 

The one that’s not a drug addict.

I’ve scared the crap out of him.  He came so close to losing me, and I know he’s messed up because of that, but he’ll never admit it.  I won’t push him about it.  It’s my fault, after all. 

All of this is my fault.

I spent a week alone in a hotel room with my brother once he bailed me out of prison.  The police cut him a deal, giving him a week to find me a place to go, before they would step in and put me in a state facility.  He didn’t leave me alone for a moment, but I was so messed up then that I couldn’t have gone anywhere anyway.  I was going through a horrible withdrawal period that consisted of vomiting, diarrhea, and muscle aches that were so bad, I would literally be screaming from the pain.  Carter did the best he could to help me, got advice from some people over the phone. Thinking back now, I know one of them could have very well been Justin.  I mean, he would have known what to do better than most, and I was sure they still talked.  Carter put me in a hot bath to soothe my aches, and mixed up a special concoction that tasted horrible, but helped with the nausea and diarrhea.  By the end of that week, he had found a suitable, affordable place to put me into rehab and brought me there, not hesitating when they took me in and asked him to leave.

It’s in Riverside, which is about an hour from here.  The people there were okay I guess, but during those first thirty days, I barely made a connection with any of them.  I was catatonic again, too busy worrying about getting another fix, worrying about...Preston, about the horrific shit I’d been through.  By the time that first trial run was over, they told me I wasn’t ready to go home.  They kept me there for ninety days, and Carter was fine with that.  He visited a lot, sometimes he would even bring Marilyn.  Once, he even brought Lucas and Ashley, and it was nice...to see them, but I could tell they knew I wasn’t the aunt they loved anymore.  It broke my heart, made me want to try so hard to get clean.

When ninety days was up, they let me go home.  I moved back to Carters.  He was a little more upbeat then, ready to help me with the next stage of my recovery.  I was under house arrest, as a term of my probation.  Wasn’t allowed to be out past seven pm, and the furthest I could go from home was the place that I was to start serving community service.  A five mile drive to the DMV, where I would clean the bathrooms and sweep the floors for six hours a day.

I wasn’t ready for it.  That night, as I laid in bed, the thoughts seemed to take over my mind immediately.  They told me I needed the drugs, that it was vital.  That heroin was my life now and I had no choice, if I wanted to forget all the horrible things that had happened.

So I ran away, snuck out the window in the middle of the night.  I got some smack together and went on a binge, getting picked up by the police the next day, as I staggered around the streets, high as a kite.  I was so stupid, completely forgetting about the tracking device attached to my ankle, recording my every move.  They didn’t throw me in jail, though.  My lawyer came before they could, with Carter by his side.  He was furious this time, enraged, not my brother anymore.  I was thrown back into rehab for another two months.  Carter came to visit once, told me how things were going to go, that if I was going to continue on like I was, he wasn’t going to help me anymore.

So I decided to compromise, got involved with my therapy and started to feel better.  I was released, with praise from my counselors, after two months.  They said I’d done so well and come so far.  Carter forced fake smiles for them all, but in the car, he was stone cold, seemed not to care if I was happy or not.  He took me to my shrink the very next day, and I’ve seen her every day since.  She’s not so bad, pretty nice.  I’ve starting to talk to her a little more about Preston each time I go.  We started slow, talking about the drugs first.  I think she knew she had to do that, or I might have lost my mind.

My probation has been extended due to my little escapade.  My house arrest won’t end until late next year, and after that, I’ll still have probation for another couple of years.  My life, as I knew it, is over.  Now it’s just come down to this.  Stuck in a house with my brother, his wife, and their kids, being told what to do and how to live, without any say at all, for fear of losing the only family I have.

Marilyn is different about all of this.  When Carter isn’t around, throwing in his two cents, she’s really nice, makes me feel comforted.  It was her idea to have a little welcome home party for me tonight.  She just...wants me to feel better, welcomed here I guess.  But most of all, I think she’s trying to mend Carter’s relationship with me, because she can tell what a wreck he is right now.

I just wish she would realize how hopeless her cause is.  Carter won’t come around until he’s ready, and right now...I don’t think he has any reason to.

I’m a failure.

I shower and change, get my clothes folded and put away, clean the bathroom like he told me to, and manage to remember my medication at noon.  Marilyn gives me my pills with some egg and cheese sandwiches, and I make sure to thank her.  She tells me I shouldn’t thank her, that she wants to do these things for me.  Then she starts chattering away about the party tonight, and all the neat decorations she’s going to hang.  She makes sure to check my mouth for any stray pills, as always, and then tells me she wants me to go relax until my party.

“Well...Carter wanted me to help...dust and things like that.”

“I’ll handle Carter,” she says, huffing in frustration.  “You just go and have a nice afternoon to yourself, Betsy.  You deserve it.”

“Well...well I...”

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” she smiles, and shoos me out of the kitchen, before concentrating her efforts on the kids, who are running around outside in the backyard.

I decide to do as she says, although, I know that Carter will berate me for it, no matter what, if he finds out. 

I go into my bedroom, flop down on the bed and stare at the ceiling.  The medication starts to take hold, makes me a little sleepy, and I decide to take advantage, and doze off.  When I wake up again, I see him there, in the doorway.  He’s not looking at me, just at the door jam, is lips pursed together in annoyance.

“Hey.”

He looks at me.  “How long were you asleep?”

“I dunno.”

“Well you were supposed to help with the party stuff,” he tells me.

I shrug.  “The pills made me tired.”

He’s silent.  “Oh.”

I rub my hands over my face and through my hair.  It’s dried since my shower, feels nice and clean between my fingers.  It’s a newer sensation.  It’s been a long time.  “I’ll...I can help...what do you need?”

He shakes his head slowly.  “No...nothing...” He trails off and sighs.  “Betsy I...if I’m hard on you, it’s only because...because I want you to get better.”

Marilyn got to him.  I’m sure of it.  “I know that.”

“You know I don’t hate you, don’t you?”

I stare at him.  It’s news to me, but...I know it was never his intention to make me feel this way.  “I...I guess but...but Carter you’re so angry at me.”

“You’re right,” he nods, and slowly makes his way into the room, over to the bed, and hesitates for a moment before he sits beside me.

It’s been so long, since he’s wanted to be this close to me. 

“Carter I’m...I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to...to all of this to you. I just...”

“No...don’t.”  He shakes his head.  “It’s not worth it.”

I’m silent, sit back against the wall.

“I’m trying to forgive you, Bets,” he whispers.  “I just...I just don’t know how yet.”

“I know.”

He leans forward, and kisses my forehead.  It gets me to smile and I can feel it this time.

“Have fun tonight, okay?”

“Yeah...”

He gets up and walks out.

So I guess...I guess that’s a start, even if I know a long road lies ahead, to get my relationship with my brother completely back on track.  At least it’s something, and I know it’ll get me through this little get together with our family and friends, if nothing else.

I pick a dress out, the first one I’ve worn in a very long time, and I put it on, smiling slightly, remembering a part of myself I haven’t seen in forever.  It persuades me to take my hair down, curl it a bit, and then...then I do makeup, because I’m already halfway there anyway.

I see myself when I’m done.  I see Betsy.  Just Betsy, not the drug addicted version.  Not the terrified version.  This is the version that can do anything, conquer anything, and I know...I know I’m ready to go out there, wow my brother, and whoever else might have been invited to this thing.

I step out into the hallway moments later, the laughter coming from the living room telling me people have already arrived, and I take a long breath in and out, close my eyes and prepare myself for...for the real world, I guess.

I walk out, spot the decorations hung around the room, just as Marilyn described them.  There is a big banner tacked above the mantle that reads: Congratulations Betsy!.

Yeah, congratulations.  You’re not a junkie at the moment.  That’s what it should say.

An arm is draped around my shoulders, and I look up to see Carter there again, a beer in his hand, and when he starts to talk, I can smell it on his breath, knowing it’s not his first. 

“You look like my sister.” He smacks a kiss on my cheek.  “It’s great to see you Betsy.”

I just laugh a little.  It’s bad, but I like him this way.

“Hey...Betsy.”

And then I look in the other direction.  The direction of that voice.  The one I thought I lost, the one I forced from my memory because I was convinced he was the last person who would want anything to do with me once I left.  He looks so different now, so much more like...he always should have, with color in his face, and vibrant light in his eyes with a smile to match. 

He looks amazing.  More amazing than ever.

And me? I’m just a wreck.

 “Hi...Hi Justin.”

He licks his lips, opens his mouth to say something else, even though Carter is still hanging on me, obviously drunk. But he stops when his gaze lands on somebody else, and he seems to forget what he was going to say to me.

 “Can you believe my heel?  It just snapped." She holds her mangled shoe in the air for us to see.  "They were a decent brand too.”
 
"You can't take the clutz out of the blonde," Carter slurs, not seeming to care that I'm standing here, completely confused and overwhelmed by Justin's presence.

"Are you really drunk already?" The blonde smirks.  "Christ, Carter, you're the host.  The host isn't supposed to be drunk before ten.  Oh, and by the way, you owe me that twenty."
 
"Whatever, Val," he laughs and it gets a smirk from Justin.  "You got lucky."
 
"You still owe me twenty."
 
"Val" takes Justin's hand, and he opens his mouth to speak, yet again, but he's cut off  as she gives him a lingering kiss on the lips.  She’s tall, and very pretty.  Her blonde hair falls flawlessly at her shoulders, and she has this aura about her that tells me she's just full of goodness, and happiness. She has a great smile too, and a warm, rosy color in her cheeks.  She’s vibrant, and full of life too, and when Justin laughs and kisses her back tenderly, lovingly, I know all too well what’s brought her here. 

It’s more than obvious...

He’s fallen in love. Deeply in love, with this girl.  They're a couple now.
 
And it’s something I was completely unprepared for.
 
"Val, this is Betsy," Justin points out, keeping his eyes locked onto mine as he introduces me, finally.
 
"Oh my god really?"  She puts a hand over her heart, and bends her knees slightly, like she's star struck. "Justin has told me so much about you!  Carter, get off her.  She’s the damn guest of honor."

She seems so excited, and it makes me wonder what the hell Justin told his girlfriend about me.  I guess good things...and I guess...

I guess that means he never really stopped caring about me, even when I was gone.
 
"My sister."  He grins, pulling me closer.  “We’re twins ya know.  She looks great doesn't she? You should have seen her before...earlier today...I mean, wow, you want to talk about a train wreck? Drugs are bad Val.  Just remember that, for me, okay?"
 
He's laughing, but nobody else is.  I'm sure they've never seen him this way before.  Hell, I never have either.  “You’re an asshole.” I shrug away from him, disgusted, and cross my arms.  Shit, for the first time in so long, he's the one that needs the help.  I feel a part of me come back, but just briefly.

Then it’s gone again.
 
 "C'mon Carter," Justin says, taking control of the situation.  "I need some air, and so do you."
 
He drapes my brothers arm around his shoulders, and helps him walk away.  I flash Justin a thankful little smile, which he manages to return, before he leaves us behind.

Now I’m...I’m alone with this woman.  Well...no, it’s more like, I’m alone with Justin’s girlfriend, yeah.  Awkward.  “Sorry about...him,” I whisper.

“Not at all.” She gives me a genuine smile and sticks out her hand.  “I’m Valerie.  Justin’s told me...so much.  I’m really glad that I’m able to meet you.  You’ve made such a difference, really.  Ava is doing so well.”

I knew she was home.  Carter told me, and I was able to be happy about that for about three minutes before the darkness took over me all over again.  “I’m...I’m glad to hear that.  How um...how long have you been with Justin?”

“It’s been about seven, eight months now,” she smiles.  “We just kind of got together one day and couldn’t stay away from each other.”

“Oh well...that’s really good.” I force a smile back for her.  “I’m...I’m happy he finally found somebody.”

“Yeah it’s...great, you know? He’s such a great guy.  He deserves to be happy.”

I just nod.  “Well I’m...I’m going to make sure my brother isn’t like...catatonic or whatever.”

“Oh sure,” she giggles.  “I”ll see you a little later.  It’s....it’s really great to finally meet you.”

“Good to meet you.”

I feel like I’m going to hurl as I walk away from her.  Really? I mean she’s picture perfect, model pretty, why the fuck would he bring her?

But obviously I’ve been missing out.  My brother was talking to the girl like they were old friends and I guess a lot has changed since I decided to abandoned my life.  I make my way out back, to the deck, where I see my brother right away.  He’s leaning over the deck railing, hurling into Marilyn’s favorite rose bush.

He’s so going to pay for that tomorrow.

“He’s all right,” Justin reassures me, as he continues to rub my brothers back.  “He just...drank a lot in a little bit of time.”

“I figured.” 

I plop down in a chair, and take my cigarettes out.  It’s a new favorite past time of mine.  The nicotine saves me from a lot of things, like cravings, and meeting the girlfriend of a man that...that I’m not sure I ever stopped having feelings for. The first drag is bliss, and I’m able to turn out the wonderful sounds of my brother getting sick as I inhale the smoke and blow it out again.

“So what happened?”

I don’t look at him.  “Long story.”

“Well you just...left me hanging Betsy.”

I scoff.  “Justin, really, now isn’t the time.”

“Then make time.”

I shake my head.  “I have a lot on my plate.”

“I’d like to talk to you.  I’ve been waiting for a long time, Betsy.”

“Honestly, you don’t need to talk to me.” I shake my head.  “It was long time ago, and I’m really glad that everything worked out with Ava.  I know you’re life is probably like...God, amazing right now, am I right?”

He shrugs.  “We take one day at a time.  It’s only because of you.”

“It wasn’t all me.  You worked hard.”

“Yeah but...I wouldn’t have, if it wasn’t for you.”

He catches my brother as he starts to slump over, and helps him sit down on the deck, unscrewing a bottle of water so he’ll drink and get fluids in his system.  He drinks eagerly, and then groans, closing his eyes as he starts to pass out from the alcohol.  “You two are close now I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess.  But I’m not talking about Carter right now.  I want to talk about you.”

I take another drag.  “There’s nothing to say.”

“You started using.  Why?  You knew...you knew what that could do, and you still did it.”

“I didn’t have options.”

“No, you did.  There’s always options, Betsy, you just chose to run away instead, take the easy way out.  I was really disappointed when you didn’t show up at the hearing.”

“Because it’s all about you, Justin, right?”

He just stares at me.

“You have no...idea...what I’ve been through, okay?”  I get up, and squash the cigarette with my foot.  “You all just expected me to snap out of it when I came back from Preston’s, like it wasn’t supposed to effect me as much as it did.”

“People wanted to help you.  You didn't give them a chance.”

“Nobody could help me,” I grunt.  “People don’t understand...it’s just...my thing.”

“So you decided to use, rather than confide in your family...in me?  You didn’t have to leave, go to Chicago.  I never asked you to do that for me.”

“Fuck...I know.  Do you really think that I don’t realize how big of a mistake I made? I was reminded every damn day when I looked at myself in the mirror, when I was walking around in chains, in his warped fucking prison, Justin!  You don’t even know the half of it, and I’m not getting into it with you.  Get over it.”

He stares at me for the longest time, his expression telling me that he feels so horrible, but hurt by me at the same time.  “I still care about you, Betsy.  Maybe not like I did before, but...I want to be your friend.  I can help you...I know what you’re going through.  I can sponsor you.”

I let out a bitter laugh.  “Sponsor me? What’s that supposed to do? Make feel better?  What the hell don’t you get? Nothing helps.  Shit, I’m on so much medication right now, and that's supposed to help, but I still...I still can't get past it.  So don’t stand there and thrust your petty solutions in my face.”

“Cool. I get it.  Do whatever you want, Betsy.”  He says it quickly and seriously, like he’s done with me.  Then he glances back at my brother, and I guess he feels that he’ll be okay, because he pushes past me next, and goes back into the house.  I look back inside, see him with her, smiling and laughing, like she’s his world.  Marilyn joins in their conversation and soon...it’s like our conversation never happened.

I’ve successfully alienated him, again.

Congratulations Betsy.

“Bets.”

I stare at my brother, and he’s staring at me, longingly.  I know he’s in pain, and for the first time, in forever, he actually needs me.  So I go to him, slide myself next to him and let him lean on me.  “I’m sorry that I’ve turned into a big fucking mess,” I say, starting to sob.  “I really am.”

“You’re not all that bad,” he whispers and chuckles.  “ ‘sides, you’re my sister, and I love you.  Nothin’ else matters.  I don’t care anymore...I just want you to come back.  Don’t leave me again, okay?”

I kiss the side of his head and wrap my arms around him.  “I’ll try not to.”

It’s not much comfort, but at least it’s something. If nothing else, it feels good to be close to Carter again, even if it’s only because he’s too drunk to know what’s going on.  

As for Justin, I think it would be better if we never spoke again, because he’s obviously bitter.

And I guess I still am too.

Thanksgiving

I pull her sneakers and socks off, giving her a tired, but happy smile as I toss them on the floor.  “Better?”  

“So much better.”

I continue to rub her aching feet as she props them up on my lap.  We’ve been bringing her things into the apartment, and unpacking them, since school officially broke for the Thanksgiving holiday on Tuesday afternoon.  Now, a day and a half later, we’ve finally finished the task.  I’m exhausted, and I know that she is too, but we can’t rest for long.  We have to be up early tomorrow morning, go to her parents house to pick up Ava and eat breakfast before we head over to Carters for a Thanksgiving meal and festivities.  He insisted we come, said we were family and he wouldn’t spend the holiday without us, and since Ava begged to go because she loves playing with Lucas and Ashley, Val compromised, said she’d give up Thanksgiving dinner with her folks and the rest of her family, as long as we could spent all of Christmas with them.  

Of course I agreed.  

I’d do anything for her, just like she’d do anything for me.

Her family met me a long time ago, maybe three or four months into our relationship.  She’s the third oldest out of six kids, all boys.  Her brothers are scattered throughout the country with the exception of the youngest, who is in his senior year of high school.  The moment I sat down at their dinner table, I could tell what kind of family they were.  Close, and loving.  Tragedy had never touched their home, and I guess it’s probably why Val has the personality that she does.  Her mother has the same one, loves to laugh, and has accepted me with open arms.  Her father is a little gruffer, at least he tried to come off that way, but he faltered quickly when Val started to tell him how much she cared about me.  One look at my daughter that night, turned him into a big softie too.  He loves to put her on his lap and talk to her whenever we go there, and her mother constantly invites Ava into the kitchen to help her with something.  It usually involves licking a big spoon with homemade chocolate frosting on it, too.  Once in a while they’ll take her for a couple of days.  They did this week, after I casually asked for the favor.  With all the moving in and boxes, I was afraid Ava would get lost in the mix, or hurt.  Of course they said yes, and I pulled my daughter out of school a day early so she could go up there.  I think it’s good for Ava, spending all that time with Jenn and Garret.  Right now, they’re the closest thing she has to grandparents.

Lately, Garret has been pulling me aside whenever we visit, talking to me a lot about life, being a man.  Val and I both know what it means of course.

He thinks I’m about to marry her, and while Val laughs it off...I know different.

I know that his instincts are right.

“You happy, baby?”

She gives me a lazy smile, her eyes only half open.  “So happy.”

I lean in and kiss her deeply.  I know it’s the right move, her coming to live with us.  It took a couple of months, because her rent was paid up until the middle of November, and we decided it was better that she didn’t waste the money.  We used the time to pack her stuff and stage it here, and then my girlfriend decided she wanted to re decorate my place before she moved in.  I have to admit, it looks a million times better now that she added her feminine flair to the place.  Everything looks newer, bolder, and the way she rearranged all the furniture has made the rooms seem bigger too, crazy as it is, because the place is so tiny.

I’m so glad she’s going to be here, permanently, after today.  Ava is so excited that she hasn’t been able to stop talking about it, and in turn, it’s been even harder trying to get her in bed at night.  It’s been torture getting her up for school, and I’m more thankful about the school holiday than ever.  Val has helped to make process easier for me of course, preventing me from losing my mind or flipping out on my daughter.  She’s completely on board when it comes to raising my daughter, and lately, she’s been acting more like a mother to Ava than ever before.  She seemed to melt into the role, once plans were set in place for her to come live here.  Val treats my daughter like she’s her own now, without a question.

And I’d like to think that Deb can rest in peace now, knowing our daughter will always have people in her life she can turn to.  I’ve done almost everything she asked of me before she passed away, fixed my life, fixed Ava, found my soulmate...

I just haven’t made contact with my mother yet.  I’ve put it off, forgotten about it, because of everything else that’s been on my mind, and I guess...it’ll have to be that way for now.  Even though things are coming together really well, I still find myself trying to settle into this new lifestyle I’ve made for myself, at times. School has been hectic the past few weeks.  I had five final exams to study for and pass, if I hoped to move on to my new courses in January.  It was stressing me out, but of course my friends were there for me, helping me study.  It’s no secret that I suck at memorization, but with their help, I scraped by and passed them all. Carter is proud, and recently, a spot has opened up at the bank.  A good one, assistant lead teller.  It’s one step below head teller, and I’m positive I know enough at the bank now that I’d be good at the job.

He says we’ll see what happens after the holiday season, but I’m positive I’ll be getting the position.  I’ve talked to his boss several times since I was hired, and he takes me seriously now, knows I’m working hard to further my career and move up the chain there.  If everything works out the way Carter has explained, I should be able to put a down payment on a house by the end of next year.  It will be perfect too, because the lease will be up by then, and I can move on, leaving Adam with nothing to worry about.

He’s moving, not right away, but soon.  His work is taking him overseas, and he’s told me that it’s the best thing for his business at this stage.  It sucks.  I mean, after all he’s done for me, I’ve barely spent that much free time with the guy.  We’ve had the occasional dinner, but other than that, he’s always been working.  I know he misses Deb too, and I’m convinced it’s a big part of the reason why he keeps his distance from us.  He doesn’t want to fall back into depression again, like he did when she passed away, and I can’t blame him.

Losing the person you love is hard.

I should know, although, she’s not a part of my life anymore.  Betsy...what can I say? She’s so far gone, and that night when I confronted her and she did everything she could to push me away, I knew she would never be the person I used to care about again.  The drugs warped her brain, like they always did...to anybody who fell for them.  Preston had warped her too, but she wasn’t about to let me help her.  She wasn’t about to let anybody else do it either, and since I had my daughter to think about, Val to think about, I knew I couldn’t let her get to me, bring me down.  

I had to move on, as hard as it was, as much as I knew a part of me would always miss that Betsy Collins who had rescued me from so much.

We don't speak.  I'm over Carter's constantly too, and when we pass by each other, it's like the other one isn't there.  Occasionally she'll come into the bank to see Carter, but even then, we don't acknowledge each other.  They're doing slightly better, getting their relationship somewhat back on track, although I can tell he's still really hard on her.

But somebody has to be, because I don't have the time to care.

I’m in love with someone else now, completely, and the only other time in my life I can remember being so happy, was when that judge gave me my daughter back.

Val and Ava.  They’re all I’ll ever need.

Last month, I met up with Trace after work one day and we went to a couple of jewelry stores nearby.  I wanted his input because he’d done it before, gone ring shopping for Kate.  I plan on asking Val to marry me really soon, started making payments weeks ago, on a diamond to put on her finger.  I remember the moment it hit me, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  We were at Ava’s Halloween pageant at school.  Val was holding up her Ipad, smiling as she took video of every movement my daughter was making up on stage.  Her face was all lit up, like it was the best thing she’d done all week, and she couldn’t stop pointing out the littlest things to me that she loved about Ava as she danced around the stage, dressed as a witch.

I knew then, that I wanted her as my daughters mother more than anything else.

And yeah...I guess I wanted to be married to her too.  It wasn’t something that kept me awake at night, or something I had second thoughts about.  It was just...fact.  I was going to marry Valerie, as long as she’d have me, and that was that.  

I put the final deposit down on the ring a couple of days ago, took it home with me, and have safeguarded it like a psycho so my daughter won’t find it and lose it...or show it to Val.   It’s not from Cartier or Tiffany’s, but...it’s the best I could afford with my budget.   The lady at the store told me I had good taste, that she thought the stone was perfect.  Of course, I knew it was her job to say that, but something told me that Val would love what I had gotten her.  She’s not very materialistic, likes simple things, and I think it will suit her, if she’ll wear it.

Tonight, it’s inside the box, hidden in my pocket, but I just...I don’t know if this is the right time or place to do this.  I had it pictured in my mind, that we would be out at a nice restaurant or something, but...that seems so made for TV.  She’s at her happiest now, sitting here with her sweaty feet on my lap as I rub her aches and pains away.  We’re not real formal people, we’ll never be...and maybe, maybe it’s time that I ask her, because I’m a hundred percent sure about this, and I don’t want to take the chance of chickening out.  What’s more, we’re alone tonight...a rare occurrence that I should take advantage of.

“Val.”

Her eyes are closed, but she smiles.  “Hm.”

“I...”  I reach in my pocket and wrap my fingers around the little velvet box.  

“Justin?”

I laugh lightly.  “I love you, so much, Val.”

She laughs and gives me a weird look.  “Well, I love you too.” She leans in and gives me a soft kiss, before staring back into my eyes.  “What else is wrong.  You seem...nervous or something.”

“Well...yeah, I am a little bit,” I smile and feel myself blush.  

“If it’s about seeing the rest of my family at breakfast tomorrow, don’t sweat it.  They’re all prepared and excited to meet you Justin.  You’ll fit right in.”

“That’s not it.”

She cocks her head to the side, and a playful smirk pulls at her lips.  “What is it,” she whispers.

I pull her hand and she sits up a little bit, laughing lightly, probably thinks I ‘m losing my mind.  It wouldn’t be the first time.  Taking in a small breath, I pull the box out of my pocket, and she stares at it for a while, before looking back at me, covering her hand with her mouth, her eyes wide.

“Valerie...” I pause and smile as I look down at the box and open it up, revealing the gleaming diamond inside.  “Can I ask you something?”  I pull the ring out and pull her hand towards me.  

“Justin...”

I look up, into her eyes, and see her smiling, crying.  I know I’ve shocked the hell out of her, but I know...I know she wants this too.

“Marry me?” I whisper, putting my face up to hers.  

“God, yes.” She sniffles it, and smiles through her tears as she wipes them off of her face.

I don’t think, I just slip the ring on her finger and pull her to me, kissing her deeply, and passionately as she falls apart again and sobs into my chest.  We get carried away, strip, and make love right there, in the middle of my living room.  After, I hold her against my chest, breathing harshly as my heart continues to thud inside of my chest.  She gazes back at me, smiling, like our lives are completely perfect now.  That she couldn’t ask for anything more.

“I love you,” she rasps, tiredly.

I kiss her forehead.  “I love you.”

I know I’m complete now.  My life, as I know it, will be completely different after tonight.  We won’t just be Ava, Justin and Valerie anymore.

We’ll be a family, forever.

I woke up before the alarm this morning, gazing at Valerie as she slept, curled up against me.  It was still early, so I let her sleep for a while longer, as I caressed her face and hair, glancing at the diamond ring on her finger, part of me not being able to believe it was a reality...that she was mine, and she wanted to marry me too.  When she woke up, we started talking a little bit about wedding dates.  We haven’t made a firm decision yet, of course, but we know we want a spring wedding.

It’s a start.

Ava knows the basics.  We were very rushed this morning at Jenn and Garrets, only being able to pull her aside for a few minutes, to tell her that daddy and Valerie were going to get married in the spring.  She understands what that means, she’s old enough, but we were both a little afraid that she wouldn’t like that idea.  She only just got me back, after all.

But all she did was smile, ask us when we were doing it, and if she was going to be able to wear a ‘fancy dress.’  That sealed the deal for us.  With Ava’s blessing, we both knew that the wedding would go off without a hitch, and nothing in the world could have made me feel more relieved.

“Daddy, my cheeks hurt.”

I look at Val, and we laugh at the same time, before I glance at my daughter in the rearview mirror.  She’s holding her face miserably, obviously cranky from being woken up so early this morning.  She’s been pouting since we left too, because there were so many people at Jenn and Garrets.  She was the only child there, and nobody could stop talking about how adorable she was in her holiday dress, not hesitating to pinch her cheeks and kiss her face whenever she got within range.  I feel for her, understand why she hated it, but at the same time I love it.  I love that when I marry Valerie, I know Ava will not only be gaining a mother, but an entire family of people that love her.  “People like you, baby doll,” I say, with a smile.  “It would have been impolite to complain.”

“I’m not allowed pinch their cheeks,” she frowns.  “How come they get to pinch mine?”

“It’s a way of showing love for somebody else,” Valerie explains.  “Everybody thinks you’re a great kid.”

“Love sure hurts a lot.”

I laugh again, and so does Val.  “I promise, when we get to Mister Carter and Miss Marilyn’s house, nobody will pinch your cheeks.”

“Lucas will probably pull my hair.  He always does that, and today I have pigtails, daddy.”

“I’ll give him a talking to if he does that,” I reassure her.

“Oooo Ava, maybe he has a crush on you,” Valerie laughs.  “He’s kind of cute, don’t you think?”r32;
“No.  He’s a gross boy.”

Ava crosses her arms.

I look at my fiance, and raise an eyebrow, as she covers her mouth, stifling her laughter.  I put my hand on her thigh, caressing the skin underneath the hem of her dress softly as I drive along.  It went well...giving her family the news.  Her mom cried and her father shook my hand and patted me on the back, congratulating me for getting up the guts to do the right thing.  Because of our announcement, we spent longer at the house than we wanted to, but there was no escaping her extended family.  Before today, her grandparents, aunts and uncles had never met me before.  They were all curious, even more so because of the engagement, and so I found myself stuck in different conversations with members of the family, until Valerie managed to rescue me, telling them all that we had commitments elsewhere.

“You better bring him back here, young lady,” Gram said, pointing her finger roughly at Val, while beaming at me.  “I’m not done sucking his life story out of him yet.  I want a picture of the three of you for my purse too.  The girls at the beauty parlor are going to want to see our newest addition.”

“We’ll send out a save the date in a few weeks, when we decide on one.  There will be a picture on that, Gram,” she smiled, kissed her cheek, and pulled me along by the hand, before her grandmother could say anything else.  We grabbed Ava next, before quickly hugging her parents goodbye, and then we were free.

I love them all though, and I can’t wait to see them again.  

I’ve never had a real family before.  Just my mom, and she gave up on me a long time ago.  It feels nice to finally be welcomed, and wanted in other people’s lives now.  Val and I have a social life too, outside of her family, with Carter, Marilyn, Trace and Kate.  We try to get together, the six of us, a few times a month for dinner, and it’s crazy how close our group has become.  I mean, Trace and Carter are complete opposites, but somehow, have managed to become really good friends.

Everything about the friendship the six of us share would be perfect if it wasn’t for Betsy, quietly keeping to herself, when we’re all at Carter’s house.  She’ll always be watching the television on the sofa with a pained look on her face, like she’s waiting for the world to end.

It hurts, yeah, but...I just refuse to do anything about it.  The only one who seems to feel bad is Val, encouraging us to invite her into our conversation.  Nobody ever does, and she can’t understand why. I’ve explained Betsy to her, though, more than once.  She just...she needs to figure out her life, and let us enjoy ours.  Val has laid off about the subject, I guess...because she’s been busy focusing on her new job and...us of course.

But I have no idea what will happen today, at dinner.  I’m hoping Betsy will just stay away, and Val will be so distracted about our news she won’t have time to dwell on her.  It may make me a fucking bastard, but...I don’t want that girl to ruin this day for me, for Val, and especially not for Ava.

I’d lose it on her, and that’s something I don’t want to happen.  I owe her that much.

We pull into Carter’s driveway fifteen minutes later, parking behind half a dozen other cars.  I know both sets of their parents are here, along with Marilyn’s sister, husband, and kids.  They live in Ohio, and made the drive up here, won’t be leaving until next week.  He told me it was going to be a lot of people cramped into a small space, that we’d probably be eating outside if the weather wasn’t too cool, but I don’t mind so much.  Being in a loud crowded house full of family is different for me.  It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, telling me everything is going to be okay.

“You ready for shock-em-all part two?” Val giggles as we get out of the car, taking Ava by the hand when I open the door for my daughter.  

“I just hope Marilyn doesn’t pass out or something,” I laugh as I take my daughters free hand and we start walking her up toward the house.  “You know how overly excited she gets.”

“For the sake of the children let’s hope not.”  She smiles and stops us before we can climb the steps to the front door, lets go of Ava’s hand and pulls me to her so she can give me a long kiss.  Yes, Ava is standing there, and when I glance at her, I can see her face is scrunched up, like she thinks what we’re doing is gross, but it doesn’t make me stop kissing Val.  If anything I pull her closer, get even more lost in her, part of me wishing I could drag us back to the car and take us home so we can celebrate Thanksgiving in a different way...

“Hey you two, get a room!  There’s children around!”

We pull apart, and I wrap my arms around Val as we both laugh and look up at the voice.  Carter is standing at the top of the stairs, laughing at us, and I don’t hesitate to flip him off where my daughter can’t see.  

“Hi Mister Carter!”  Ava runs ahead of us and up the steps, throwing her arms around his waist.  

“Hey Little Bit,” he smiles and laughs as he gazes down at her and pats her head.  “How was breakfast?”

“Everybody pinched my cheeks,” she pouts.  r32;
“What? Like this?”  He smirks, reaches out and pinches her right one.

She laughs and pushes his hand away.  “Mister Carter!”

“Get yourself inside,” he chuckles.  “Lucas has been asking about you all morning.”

She groans.  “Ugh, boys.”

We all laugh as she retreats into the house, leaving the three of us alone together.

“I already promised Lucas he can marry her when he gets old enough, so make sure she doesn’t date anybody else, all right?” Carter smirks.

“She’s never dating, or marrying anyone,” I nod, playfully narrowing my eyes at him.  “I’m locking her in her room until she’s forty.”

“He probably would, too,” Val chimes in, smiles, and pecks Carter on the cheek.  “Good thing I’m around.  Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Thanksgiving to you.  C’mon in, Mar has been cooking since five am and I need something else to distract me from opening the oven and picking at the raw turkey meat.  My hand already got slapped with a wooden spoon once this morning.”

He ushers us inside the house, and I take Val by the hand as we enter the living room.  The couch is packed with seven children, Ava, Carter’s two, and three others which could only be his nieces and nephew.  They’re watchingthe Macy’s parade intently, the youngest of the seven hollering about how Santa is going to come on the TV soon.  A set of older folks sits on the love seat to the right, most likely Marilyn’s parents, smiling and keeping an eye on them all.  Carter quickly introduces us, and they both give us warm, inviting smiles as they tell us it’s wonderful to meet us both, that they’ve heard so many nice things.

“That’s a lovely ring,” Marilyn’s mom, Helen, smiles as Val shakes her hand, gazing at the diamond on her finger.  “When are you getting married?”

“Oh...” She glances back at me, and I can hear Carter sort of laugh as he stands next to me.  “Well...we just got engaged last night.”  

“Well, that’s wonderful!” Marilyn’s father, Don, smiles, and looks at me.  “You two make a nice couple.  Congratulations.”

Carter slaps me on the back.  “Finally.”

I look at him and smirk.  “Marilyn’s gonna shit.”r32;
“No kidding.”

“Hey you two!”

Marilyn has arrived, carrying in a tray of finger foods for the kids, and gently plops it down on the coffee table in front of them, barely escaping before they all lunge at the tray at once.  

“Hey, Happy Thanksgiving.” I say, before going in to give her a quick kiss on the cheek, which she returns with a smile.  “Turkey smells great.”

“Yeah, well make sure you don’t go picking it at it like this one.” She narrows her eyes at her husband.

“I’m innocent,” Carter smirks.  “That incident earlier wasn’t like it seemed.”

“Mhmm.”

“I was framed.  It was Lucas.”

“Just...go...be helpful in the kitchen.” Marilyn rolls her eyes, shooing him away, before greeting Val with a tight embrace.  They’ve grown really close, and I guess I could say that they are practically best friends now.  I’m happy for them.  Marilyn, while she can be overly dramatic at times, is a great woman with a good heart, and I wouldn’t have things any other way.  

“Oh my god, shut the front door.”  

I guess our secrets out, and I confirm this when I look back at Marilyn. She’s holding Vals ring hand in hers, gazing at the diamond on her finger.  “Are you guys...”r32;
“Mr. Romance asked me last night,” Val giggles.  

“Jesus! Finally! Oh my god you guys!  I totally want to plan the wedding...I planned my cousins last summer! Can I?”

“Well...I mean...” Val looks at me for help, and I can tell she’s a little overwhelmed.

“We’ll talk about it, Mar,” I laugh, taking Vals hand as I pull her towards me.  “We don’t even have a date yet.”

“Oh, come on guys, please? You won’t have to pay me a dime.  I’ll make it an amazing wedding, and stick to your budget, I promise.”

We both shrug, and laugh.  Free is good, and I know Marilyn is good with organization.  She’s the troop leader of Ashley’s girl scouts, always that mom that stations herself and a few girls outside the local supermarket for hours on the weekends, aggressively asking people to buy cookies.  Apart from that, she’s an active member of the PTA and is constantly throwing fund raisers together for Lucas’s soccer team.   “What do you think Val?  We have the PTA mother of the year right here, free of charge.”

“Sure, Marilyn,” She giggles and smiles, obviously agreeing with me.  “I think you’ll do a great job.”

“Yeah, I know you will,” I say.

She squeals and hugs us both again.  “You guys won’t regret this!  We’ll have a real meeting after the holidays, okay?  I have to check on the food, just make yourselves at home.  There’s plenty of seating out back and in the kitchen too, and if you want, Carter can bring some folding chairs in and you can watch TV with the kids.”

I reassure her that we’ll be okay, and then she rushes off shouting to who I can only assume is her sister that she’s going to be planning another wedding.

“She’s crazy,” Val laughs.  “But I know she’s going to help us have a great wedding.”

I take her hand, and lace my fingers through hers, smiling gently as I give her another soft kiss on the lips.  “I know she will.  You want anything? Thirsty?”

“I guess I could go for a soda or something.  Get Ava a juice too, okay? I’m going to go squeeze myself in next to her for now.”

“Sure.”  I kiss her one more time before letting her hand slip out of mine, and watch her intently as she does just what she said.  She pulls Ava on her lap, and starts to talk to her, pointing to the parade on the TV, getting her to giggle and laugh out loud at some points.

I guess I know what I’m most thankful for this holiday.

I wander into the kitchen, where I’m introduced to Marilyn’s sister, Christine, right away.  She’s not as upbeat as her sister, but I’m sure that has to do with the fact that she has three children age eight and younger sitting in the living room.  Still, she’s extremely nice, and very excited about our news, despite only having met us today.  

“Hey you need something?” Carter wanders back in from the deck, and notices me digging through the fridge in search of a juice for my baby.  “You should have just asked, man. You’re a guest.  I have some coolers out back, anyway.  That’s where the good drinks are.”

“C’mon Carter,” I laugh and close the door.  “I’m here four times a week.  I can get it.”

“Hey, I’m trying to make amends for the turkey,” he whispers as I follow him outside.  “Just play along.”

“Oh yes, Carter,” I say loudly, as we pass by the women preparing food at the kitchen island.  “You’re such a wonderful host!”

“Don’t push your luck,” Marilyn calls behind us.  “I know what you’re up to, Carter!  I’m still mad at you!”

He smiles back at me.  “You sure you’re ready to get married?”

“More than ever.”

“Val’s amazing, man,” he tells me, stooping down to open up one of the coolers sitting on the deck.  “Really.  I think you two are going to be great together.”

I reach down and pull out two Cokes and a Motts juice.  “I can’t wait to just...get it over with, I guess.”

“I felt the same way.  Mar and I were just out of high school when we got married, but we made it work.  Our parents were supportive, and we had a real wedding.  It just gets tougher from here, though.  All these women want to do is plan and plan...and spend more and more money,” he laughs.  “Then you stand there, say I do, kiss, eat some cake, dance, get really drunk, and then you get slapped with reality a week later.  Like, oh yeah, I have to go back to the real world.  Make sure you guys get that honeymoon.  You’re gonna need it.”

I shrug.  “Whatever we can afford.”

He nods.  “Just wait and see what happens.  I’m a financial planner, after all.  I’ll help you out and...whatever you might need some help with, we’ll figure it out.”

I let out a long breath.  I know that means he wants to help me out, but the thing is, I don’ t want him to.  I feel bad as it is, with everything he’s done for me, without a question...even though it wasn’t his problem.  He just stepped in, even when...even when Betsy was out of the picture.  “I don’t want you doing anything financially for us, Carter.”

He smirks.  “Shut up, Justin.”

“Please, Betsy...just listen to your father.”

I look over my shoulder, and gaze out over the deck, into the spacious backyard.  There are more tables there, set up for later with tablecloths and festive centerpieces.  I see Carter’s parents for the for the first time, huddled next to each other.  Betsy is sitting opposite them with her legs crossed, still wearing her pajamas, smoking her cigarette.  Her hair is messy, lank and greasy, and I doubt she’s showered yet today.

She just doesn’t care, about anything, and immediately I’m taken back...

Reminded of my former self.

I shake it off.

“We only want what’s best for you,” her father tells her.  “You need a change, sweetheart.  Your mother and I want to help you.”

Betsy doesn’t say a word, just continues to smoke her cigarette and gaze out into space.

“They just bought a house upstate.”  Carter comes up beside me, soda can in his hand and says it quietly.  “They want her to move with them after the holidays.  It’s really scenic...we took the kids a few weekends ago.  It was the only way Betsy would go have a look at the place.  It’s near the Napa vineyards, they built it from the ground up.  It was kind of their dream, to do that, and now that my dad’s retired, they finally had the time and the means.”

I stare at them, trying not to let that sinking feeling of despair set in.  “It’s far isn’t it?”

“About twelve hours.  The thing is, her shrink is completely for it.  There’s this facility there, I read the brochure.  It’s near the house, one of those places she could come and go as she pleases, and they have all this new age rehabilitation, that she can’t get down here. I think it could help her out, a lot more than anything I could do for her here, maybe...change her back to the way she used to be.  It’s expensive, but our parents have the money to pay for it, and they’ve agreed to as long as she makes the move with them.  The courts have agreed to work with her as far as the house arrest goes.  There’s nothing holding her back.”

“But she won’t do it.”

“She won’t leave me, and I guess...maybe that’s my own fault. She went so far as to ask me to move up with her, quit my job, alienate Marilyn from her friends, pull my kids away from their lives and everything, like it would have been so easy.  Of course I told her no, and she got pissed, wouldn’t speak to me for a few days before I set her straight.  I’ve promised to visit her, but it’s not enough.  She wants to be with me, all the time.  She says she can’t live without me.”

I continue to stare at the scene below.  It’s a chance for Betsy, I know it is, one that she should be taking, but she won’t.  She’s too close to Carter to leave, and that’s not his fault.  That’s the way it’s always been with them, and how it will always be.  “She’s a mess,” I whisper.  “I thought she was doing a little better.”

“She was for a bit and then...I don’t know.  I don’t know anymore, Justin,” he sighs. “I’m obviously not helping her change herself.  She’s just...depressed, all the time, even on the medication.  I can’t get through to her, as much as I’ve tried.  She just puts on a happy face for me now, and does what I say, because she can’t stand the thought of losing me.  It’s the only reason why she gets out of bed in the morning, and I can’t deal with it anymore.  Marilyn can’t either...she keeps telling me how the kids will ask her why Aunt Betsy is sad, and...we don’t want that, you know? We don’t want them effected by all of this, and as long as she’s living here, they will be.  I’d get her a place, help her with the rent, but she can’t live on her own right now.  I can’t trust her...she’d just run off and start using again.  I don’t know what the other options are, but I know I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t sacrifice my life and my marriage for her.  Not anymore.”

I nod.  

“Justin.”

I look at him.  There’s a longing in his eyes, like there’s something he’s been dying to tell me for a while, but hasn’t.  “Yeah.”

“Do you think you could talk to her?”

I stare at him for a long time, not really knowing what to say.  I mean, no, I don’t want to talk to her, but Carter...he’s done so much for me, that telling him no at this junction would be completely shitty.  “I...I guess I could try.”

“I know she pushed you away, just like everybody else, and you haven’t spoken.  I know...I know how weird things have been.  Marilyn told me I better not ask you to do it, but I just...I’m out of options.  If she doesn’t move with my parents we’re going to have to put her in some live in facility like Bakersfield Rehab and hope that she gets herself together, only...I know she won’t.  She’s entirely too fucked up, because of what Preston did, and she’ll rot away in there.  She’ll wind up like our father, Justin.  I don’t think I could live with myself.”

I stare at him.

“I can’t...”  He looks down at his shoes, and sniffles slightly.  “I can’t let that happen to her.  So will you please...please do me this one favor?  It’s my last resort.”

I put a consoling hand on his shoulder.  Carter is getting emotional, and since it’s really hard for him to get this way, I know there is no other choice.  “Of course I will,” I say.

He nods.  “I’ll see you inside.”

I let him walk away, because I know he’s embarrassed and wants to get himself together for the rest of his family.  I’m left standing there, the warming drinks in my hands, staring down at her.  Her parents are getting up, leaving Betsy alone at the table, obviously done with the conversation.  They walk up the steps, barely notice that I’m standing there, before they go inside the house.

Betsy flicks her cigarette butt away, reaches for the pack on the table, gets another one, and lights up again.  There’s no emotion, not a tear, not a frown. She’s just...this hollowed out shell of a person.

I take in a long breath.

“Babe...”

I look over my shoulder, see her standing there, and smile.  Of course, she probably wondered where the hell I went to.  “Sorry, Val.”

“Don’t apologize.  Carter just said you were outside so...I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I let her walk up to me, and she takes the drinks out of my hands, putting them up on the deck railing before snuggling up against me.  

“Did you wish Betsy a Happy Thanksgiving?”

“Not yet,” I say gently.

She rubs my back a little, kissing the spot under my left ear, that she usually does when we stand like this.  “Well I think you should.  I doubt anybody else has.”

I shrug.

“Justin...I...look, I know I don’t really know her that well, but you’ve told me everything.  What happened was terrible, for somebody like her.  How do you think she feels, living with all of that, and then feeling like nobody can really understand.”r32;

“She just won’t let anybody understand. There’s a difference.”

“She forced herself to understand you when you were in a dark place,” she tells me.  “I don’t think you wanted to let her in either.  Look at how things are now.  Look at her life and then...look at us.  I don’t know if it’s my place to say it but, don’t you think it’s kind of messed up, how she is now, considering that...Ava is only back in your life and we’re only together because of the sacrifices she made for you?”

I stare at her, letting her words sink in.  I guess...I guess she has a point.  A big point, that I haven’t allowed myself to think about up until now.  In a way yes, I wouldn’t be with Valerie right now if it wasn’t for Betsy, pushing me, putting everything on the line for me and my daughter, sacrificing herself to go to Chicago so I wouldn’t be put in harms way any longer.

But if I can understand that now, why am I still so bitter? Why wouldn’t I want to go over there and tell her that she’s better than the person she is right now?

Maybe it’s because...because I loved her and I felt that she just gave up on us.  Maybe I missed her so much that I blocked it out, because it hurt me so bad.  Ava was a distraction, a big one, and then Val came along.  My life changed again.

But Betsy...she just got left behind.

I’ve been so selfish, and I feel like a fool.  Betsy doesn’t deserve this, any of it.  She never did.  I should have tried harder.  When she pushed me away I shouldn’t have let her, I should have fought my way back to her, and helped her, instead of taking the easy way out.

“What do I do?” I ask her.

“You need to talk to her Justin.  At least try to.  The guy I’m about to marry, wouldn’t question the reason why.”

She kisses me gently, and then walks away.

Damn it, I know she’s right.  I know what I have to do.

But I just...I just have no idea what to expect, because she’s not the same person.

And neither am I.

They think they have all the answers.

But they don’t.

Moving up to Napa Valley is their dream, and sure, it was nice, taking a trip there to see the house they built.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone on a real vacation, even if it was just for a couple of days.  My mind drifted back to Preston on the flight up there, how we’d gone to Paris the last Christmas holiday we spent together.  I’d pulled a long shift at the office the day before, and spent most of the night packing before falling asleep in his arms.  I...could still remember him...the way his cologne smelled as he hovered over me, getting me settled in my seat on the plane that morning, before he even thought to take his own.  I fell asleep on his shoulder with his arm around me before we took off, feeling completely safe, and protected, because that version of Preston was the one who had his mind in the right place.

“I love you, Bets,” he said to me.  “Merry Christmas.”

What the hell went wrong?  

It was all I could think of for most of that weekend, and while Marilyn and my niece and nephew were enjoying their time, I would feel Carter’s eyes on me constantly, telling me he knew I wasn’t there with them mentally.

And I wasn’t, but he should have known that I wouldn’t have been before bringing the trip up to me at all.

He’s been talking to me more like he used to since my homecoming party, but it’s still not the same relationship we used to have.  Carter is still cautious when we talk, doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he wants me to do, and I go along with it, because...because if I lost him I would lose myself forever.

But now he wants me to listen to our parents, go live with them in Napa and spend my time with some doctors at a treatment facility.  It’s twelve hours away, if you drive, so I tried to compromise with my brother.  I told him to pack up his family and come with us.  I didn’t see anything wrong with my idea.  Carter is a good banker and could get a position anywhere, and his kids are young so they could relocate without any issue.  I begged him, pleaded, cried, told him I needed him to do it.

But he just...he refused, and said he wasn’t going to put his family through it.

For the first time in my life, he’s sacrificed our relationship for the good of his family.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so angry...so angry that I wouldn’t talk to him for days.  But then Carter, he came to me and said if I was going to be that way, he would throw me out right then and there.  He said he didn’t have time to sit around while I acted childish, and naturally, I told him that I was sorry.  That I didn’t mean to ignore him.  He forgave me, I guess, but after that...I think he was done.  He hasn’t pressured me lately, he’s been a lot more focused on his kids and wife, like he should be...

Like he used to be, before...just...before.

The job of nagging me to death has been left up to our parents.  They come by all the time, try to get me to see the light or something.  They say they’ll take care of me if I move with them, pay for my rehabilitation, until I’m able to stand on my own two feet again.  But I won’t go.  I won’t leave Carter.  I’m determined to do something, to help myself somehow, so Carter won’t resent me living under his roof anymore.

So far, I haven’t...I haven’t come up with a plan.

But I’m working on it.  I really am...working on it.

I forget things sometimes. Lately, more and more.  I dont’ know why...it could be the medication.  My shrink put me on this new drug, it’s supposed to help, but all it’s really doing is clouding my mind so I can’t think straight.  I’ll be thinking about what I can do, who I can talk to about getting my life started up again, but then I’ll get distracted by a memory or something and blank out, completely forgetting my train of thought.  I forget other things too, like things Carter asks me to do.  The same thing will happen, he’ll get home and ask me why I didn’t shower or change my clothes.

It’s so embarrassing to tell him I forgot.

He’s so disappointed.  For a couple of weeks I’d gotten myself a little bit more together.  It was after the party.  Maybe it was a boost for me, knowing my brother didn’t hate me, that reminded me to get up, shower and try to live.

But it didn’t last long.

I know my doom is coming closer and closer.  If I don’t move with my parents, Carter has told me...he won’t have a choice.  He’ll have to put me in a facility, because he can’t trust me to live on my own, says I’ll go back to using, and he’s probably right.  He tells me that I’m making the house an unhealthy environment for Lucas and Ashley, that Marilyn agrees, and he doesn’t have a choice.  It’s either Napa or get carted away like my father did when he went up to Bakersfield.  I’ll dwindle away in a place like that, be so far gone on medication, and the fact that the world has given up on me that I’ll give up.  Either way, I won’t be able to be with my brother all the time.

Sometimes I feel like...I’d be better off...gone, or something.

But I can’t do that to Carter.

I think it’s the only thing that’s keep me alive, at the moment.

“Happy Thanksgiving.”

His voice is clear, and bright, but I can tell he’s forcing himself to do this.  I look up at Justin, take a drag of my cigarette, unfazed.  He looks good, but he always does.  I see him all the time, here in the house with that girlfriend of his...Val.  Trace comes sometimes, with his wife.  They’ll all sit around together, laughing and talking, sometimes they go to dinner.  One big happy fucking group of friends that I can’t be a part of because I’m too fucked up, and will mess up everything if I try to include myself.  “Happy Thanksgiving.” I mutter.

He sits.  “How...how are you, Betsy?”

I scoff, and take another drag.  Really, it’s nice that he’s trying.  I’m sure Carter gave him a whole song and dance before, about how somebody needs to talk to me, that maybe he could help because he supposedly knows me so well.  I saw them when they were up on the deck.  Of course I knew they were watching me, talking about me, despite the fact that I didn’t look over at them, pretended to listen to mom and dad instead.  “I’m here.”

He’s quiet for a long time, looking down at the grass, rubbing his hands together.

“You can go back inside,” I tell him.  “I know Carter put you up to this, as a last ditch effort to ‘save me’, or whatever it is.  I’m not savable.”

“Why don’t you stop pushing me away for five damn minutes, and let me talk to you,” he blurts out. “Christ, Betsy.  We don’t even talk anymore.”

I shrug.  “You’re better off.  You and Ava.”

“Fuck...I wouldn’t even have Ava if it wasn’t for you.  You just...you took me, built me up when I had nobody else to turn to. I know you got to Audra before Preston took you away too.  You made sure I’d get her back, right from the beginning.  Nobody else would have done all of that, not for a washed up junkie like me, Bets.  I’ll always love you for that.”

He’s right of course.  I did a lot, worked hard, and then...I don’t know.  I was a prisoner, for no other reason other than Preston wanted to make sure I would never leave his side again.  “Well, I’m glad that you’re happy, Justin.  But I don’t need your gratitude.  I know what I did, and I wanted to do it.  Don’t let Carter guilt trip you into feeling sorry for me.”

“Do you really want to be in a facility?”

I stare at him.

“Because that’s what it’s coming down to, you know? You’re going to end up like Thomas, washed up and alone.  Is that what you want?”

“If it will make Carter’s life easier, I guess so.”

“Going to Napa will make Carter’s life easier.”

“It’s too far.  I can’t be that far away from him.  I need him.”

“Sometimes you have to make sacrifices...you should know that better than anybody else.”

“Right, because I sacrificed myself for you, so that must mean you know it all, right Justin? You just know everything...because you’re stronger now, in a relationship with your pretty fucking girlfriend, father of the damn year, and everything is...”r32;
“Damn it Betsy!” He gets up and kicks his chair over.

I’m paralyzed.  

“What the hell don’t you get? I’m trying to talk to you! I’m trying to help you!”

“How can you help me Justin! How?”

“I know what you’re going through, fuck...I went through it.  I pumped myself full of so much shit, I couldn’t even function.  You say I don’t understand, but I do! I do understand! You just...you just pushed me away! Do you know that I waited for you Betsy? I fucking...I waited to tell you how much I loved you.  I wanted to be with you!  You just...you just turned your back because you were too afraid to face me for whatever reason!”

“Oh well.  It’s too late now.”

He laughs bitterly.  “Yeah, you’re right.  I found somebody else, that has a hell of a lot more going for her.  You know I’m thankful for everything, and yeah, I feel like shit that I’m probably most of the reason Preston did what he did.  But I can’t stop my life for that, Betsy.  I have a kid and...I’m getting married.  I want you to be...I want Betsy back, but how the hell can I get her back if she won’t help herself?”

Married.  It should be a shock but...it’s not.  Justin has his life together, and I know he loves that Valerie chick.  It was inevitable, and in a different life, I would be a lot happier for him.  But I’m just numb, to everything.  It’s just another occurrence in his life that I won’t be a part of.  “Well, congrats,” I whisper, and take another drag.  “I’d say that I hope everything will work out for the best, but I know it will, Justin.”

“I don’t want to see you just...waste away, Betsy.  You’re better than all of this.  You know, you’re letting him win.  This is what he wanted for you, to just...be sheltered and never live in the real world again. That’s why he did what he did.”

I won’t look at him.  I refuse, because for the first time in months I feel like I could crack in front of somebody else besides my brother.

But why?

What makes Justin so fucking different?  We were almost in love but then, it just didn’t work out.  We were never close after that, and I know it’s probably my fault but...but he shouldn’t be able to break down my barriers like this.  Not after I made sure he was completely out of my system before I locked him out of my life.  “You’re a shrink now too?”

“No...” He slaps his hands on his thighs.  “I just care about you, and I owe you...something, after everything you did.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“Have you even been to an NA meeting yet?”

I shake my head.

“I’ll take you.  Tomorrow night there’s one a couple of miles from here.  We can get you started before you move up to Napa with our folks, and when you come back, you can go back.  You’ll feel better.  The people there...they’re like us.”

“They’re not like me,” I whisper.

“You don’t have to talk about that.  It’s about...it’s about learning to cope with the addiction.  Rehab can only take you so far...you still need help to cope with everything after you get out, and going to shrink doesn’t have the same effect.  I was stubborn too, I didn’t want to go, but I did and then I met Trace and he pulled me out of the fucking gutter.  I told you before, I’ll sponsor you.  That means I’ll be there for you, no matter what.  We’ll work through the twelve step program together.  In a year or two you won’t even...you won’t remember how you are now.”

I laugh at him.  He makes it sound so easy, like some kind of stupid self help preacher.  “I don’t need your help, Justin.  I’ll be fine.”

“You’re a fucking mess and you’re greasy...you stink like some serious body odor, and nobody wants to be around you this way,” he says, bluntly. “I’m giving you a chance, because hell, everybody else has given up.  Even Carter.  Do you think he cares if you end up in a facility anymore? He’s tired, Betsy.  He’s just about given up, even though you think he’ll continue to sacrifice himself for you.  His family means a hell of a lot more to him.”

A tear falls down my face, and fuck..no, I will not cry.

I won’t.

“Betsy.”  He’s crouched down next to me, slowly reaching his hand out to connect with my face.  “Please don’t...don’t slip away from us. We all care about you.”

“It’s too late.”

“It’s not too late, Betsy.  It's never too late.”

Then I just...I sob.  It’s different.  I can feel it, more so than anything else that the medication seems to block out.  The tears are there, in rivers, as he holds my hand and tells me it’s going to be okay.

“I’m so scared, Justin.  All the time.”  

He helps me sit up, and puts his arms around me.  “You don’t have to be scared.  You just have to...have to try.  Please, try, for yourself.  Go up to Napa, Betsy.  It’s going to be hard, and far away but...eventually, you’ll be able to come back to us.”

“What if I can’t do it, Justin? What if...what if I just...mess up everything?”

He smiles then.  It’s the smile of his that I’ve missed seeing.  The one that always reassured me that he cared, that he would keep trying to better himself, because...because I made him feel like was better than the drugs.  “You can do it.  I know you can.  You’re strong, Betsy.  You’re so strong and that made me want to be strong too.  I mean, how else am I going to get to dance with you at my wedding, if you give up now?”

“You’re really getting married,” I laugh, through my tears.  “You?”

He laughs, and wipes at his eyes, and I know he’s gotten really emotional too.  “Yeah, I got suckered into it.”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper it and sniffle back my tears.  “I’m sorry I left and...and I’m sorry I gave up on everything...on us.”

He shakes his head.  “No, it’s...it’s not important.  Not anymore.”

I hug him next, hold him so close for so long and it feels amazing because...because I know he’s going to be here for me.  He’s going to help me as much as he can, and that gives me the reassurance that I need.  While I might be far away from him for a long time, I know it won’t be forever and when I come back...maybe, maybe I can have some sort of a life again.

“Thank you.”

He smiles.  “Come on, there’s a million calories calling our name right now, and I know Ava is probably dying to say hello.”

“I should probably shower first.”r32;

“Might be a good choice.”

I take his hand, laughing for the first time in God...I don’t even know how long, and let him lead me inside.  He gives my cheek a quick kiss, and tells me he’ll see me in a little while, and I bid him a goodbye as I make my way to the bathroom.

“Napa?”

Carter is standing near the bathroom door when I get there, his arms crossed, his eyes red, bloodshot, like he’s been crying in private again.  He’s asked me this same damn question every day for weeks, and every time, I’ve shot him down and retreated into my room.  This time it’s different though.  This time, I know how many people I have on my side that are routing for me, that will wait for me to come home to start my life over again, as soon as I can.

“Napa.”  I smile a little, and nod.

He smiles and walks over to me.  “You're serious?”

I hug him and sob, and he hugs me back tightly crying too.  He does it despite how much I smell, how dirty I am.  He just doesn’t care.  He knows this is the stepping off point.

That he very well might be getting his sister back.

And...and I think he will, one day.

May

Val and I are getting married June third, and we'll spend ten days at that Sandals Jamaica resort immediately afterward, while Val's parents, brother and sister in law take my daughter and the other kids to Disney Land. It'll be good for her to get to go, even if it's without me.  She needs to go at least once, before we make the move.  One day, I'll take her down to Disney World in Orlando.  Or I guess...Val and I will do it together.

We'll be closer to the place, after all.

I know, we were supposed to get married in the spring, but things worked out differently between Val's choice of venues and the price her parents were willing to pay. Lately, everything has seemed to be working out differently though.  Whether the changes about to occur in our lives are a good thing or bad thing, I still haven't completely decided, but I can't turn back now.  I've made promises, and I can't break them.  I'm in too deep now.

Christmas came, with all the excitement I had ever wanted for my daughter.  I have to say, it was the first time I’d ever given her a real Christmas.  One that mattered, with a tree, and a few gifts for her to open.  Ava isn’t a needy kid, and she never asks for much, because she’s used to me not being able to give it to her.  Of course, I’d been putting money aside for other things, like the wedding, and a trip, and a house, so there weren’t nearly as many gifts for my daughter as I would have liked, but Ava wasn’t about that.  She was just happy with what she was given, and most of all, she was happy just being with me and Val.  Later, when we got back from visiting Val’s family, she sat in my lap without any of her gifts, and took in the simple joy of sharing her favorite parts of the day with me.

It really was the best Christmas I could have asked for.

Betsy got on a plane with her parents a few days after we rang in the New Year, making a solemn promise to write and call as much as she could.  Of course, we all knew she wouldn’t be able to right away.  There was a certain acclimation process involved when someone made a life changing move like that, and none of us were surprised when her first phone call didn’t come for at least a month and a half, and even then it was only to Carter, just to let him know that she was okay.  He told me that she sounded good though, different, and even though I was upset that I hadn’t been able to say hello, I knew it was for the best.

Over the next few months I found myself wrapped up in so much, that I barely had time to dwell on Betsy, as hard as that was to accept.  If I wasn’t busy helping my fiance plan our blessed event, I was working, going to school, or simply spending time with my daughter.  Carter had promoted me the second week in January, to assistant lead teller, and the pay increase wasn’t huge, but it was helping.  I was able to open a savings account for the wedding, as well as put a little more money in it each paycheck, which was a huge accomplishment for me.  

Ava had adjusted well, better than anybody expected her to.  She’d gotten used to her school, and didn’t have a hard time making friends.  For the first time since I could remember, she was happy being at home, with me, and I wouldn’t allow anything to get in the way of that.  Having Val in the apartment helped out a ton.  Now, when I went to class, Ava could stay at home and focus on her homework, rather than be carted to a friends house.  I was so thankful for her, was in love with her, and she knew it too.  We were about to get married, and would spend the rest of our lives happy, expanding our family and just...enjoying life.

At least, I thought things would always be that simple.  But as everybody knows, life can never be perfect for long.  There was no break, even for me, somebody that knew nothing else but pain and hardship, for most of his life.

“Look, they finally got your address right.” I smiled that night as the three of us sat down to dinner in the kitchen.  It was a few days before winter recess was to begin for Ava and Val, and I was thankful to be getting some much needed time in with them.  I’d booked my vacation in advance, which Carter approved, and while we didn’t have money to do anything, just being with the two of them for a week was something I was looking forward to.

“Finally.” Val smirked and reached for the letter as I passed it across the table.  “I’m so sick of going to my parents for my mail.  Maybe now everything will start coming here, instead.”

“Yeah, then you just have to worry about your name change,” I smirked.  “Valerie Timberlake.”

“Maybe I’ll do that hyphenated thing.  Valerie Watts-Timberlake.” She smiled, as she tore the letter open.

“That’s a mouthful.” I laughed, and started to cut Ava’s food up for her on her plate.  “Maybe it could be Timberlake-Watts.  What’d you think Av?”

“I like Timberwatts,” she grinned, and laughed.  “Ava Timberwatts.”

“Now that’s a mouthful.”  Val laughed and unfolded the piece of paper inside the envelope, casually scanning it with her eyes as my daughter and I began to eat.

“I think it sounds electrifying,” Ava continued.  “You know...watts...”r32;
I laughed, but when Val didn’t, when she just continued to stare at that letter in her hands, my smile quickly faded.  “Val?”

“Oh my...oh my gosh...”

She looked up at me, her eyes wide, small smile on her face.  I didn’t know what to think, but I knew that whatever it was...wasn’t bad.  She seemed happy, so I started to calm down.  “What is it?”

“Remember back in January, they asked me submit my application to the Massachusetts Board of Ed? For their elitists school list?”

Sure I did.  It was no secret that Valerie was a good teacher, with great ideas for her classroom.  She’d been looking into teaching a higher grade level, middle school and above, and her boss suggested she apply at private schools as well as public.  For the hell of it, she put her name in for elitist schools as well.  It was a shot in the dark, getting a job like that though.  The schools that turned out the most Ivy league students were extremely hard to get into, job wise, and from the beginning she told me if she was accepted, the job could take her clear across the country.  I hadn’t said much about it, because I didn’t expect her to get an answer, and even if she did, I was convinced it wouldn’t be so soon.

But I was wrong.

“Yeah.  I remember.”

“They want me, Justin.”  She said it with a quivering voice, and the tears had filled her eyes.  “They want to give me a teaching job!”

My mouth hung open slightly as she passed me the letter.  Sure enough, they had invited her to come for orientation in August, a month before the fall semester began.  They wanted her to teach at a sixth grade level, something she’d been working towards for some time.  Apparently they’d received praise about her from several people, and liked her creative approach to teaching.  It was her dream come true, I knew it was.

But it was in Boston.

And Boston was all the way across the country.

“My base salary would start...just start, at sixty grand, baby,” she said it with a large smile, as I passed the letter back to her.  “And Ava would be able to go to school there for free!  Do you know how amazing of an opportunity that is?  It costs about forty thousand a semester for tuition, normally.  She’d work with the best teachers, and receive the best advantages the private school system offers.”

“Daddy, I don’t want to switch schools,” Ava spoke up gently.

We both gazed at her.

“I like my school.” She looked down at her plate of food next.  “I like my teachers too, and my friends.”

“Oh but Ava, you would like this school too,” Valerie pushed, and gave me a soft smile.  “You would just have to get used to it, that’s all.  It’s just like anything else.  You would have great teachers, and make new friends.”

She didn’t say anything, just shrugged, and started to eat her dinner again.

“Boston...wow.”  I rubbed the back of my neck, nervously.  I knew how Ava felt.  She had only just gotten the stability back in her life.  She was comfortable now, and she had me in a place where I could give her my undivided attention.  Moving, especially moving so far away, would throw everything out of whack again.  Ava would have to get re-acclimated in a new environment, and I would have to get a new job, and enroll in a new school.  I understood the ramifications, but Val, she was blindsided by the opportunity of a lifetime and couldn’t think about anything, or anybody, else.

I couldn’t blame her though, and I loved her so...I wanted to do what was right for both of the girls in my life.

“I know it’s...far, Justin,” she sighed.  “But it’s backed by Cambridge University, they own this particular prep school, and...and they’ll even help us with the move and housing too.  It won’t be as big of an expense as you think.”

I nodded.  “Well, when do you have to let them know?”

“In a month, and we’d have to leave right after the honeymoon...to get moved in and settled before the orientation.”

A month to decide if we wanted to pack up our lives and leave everything we knew, that Ava knew, behind.  It was hardly any time at all, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do.  All I knew, was that if I said no, Val would be brokenhearted, and the last thing I wanted to do was snatch the opportunity of a lifetime away from her.  She deserved to have that chance, to live out her dream.

But I wasn’t sure I was ready to potentially sacrifice Ava’s happiness for Boston, either.

“Just...think about it,” she told me softly, putting the letter back in the envelope and sliding it out of view.  “That’s all I’m asking you, Justin.”

“All right.”

I knew I’d “think” about it, and that my ultimate answer would be yes, because I knew it was either move, or force Val to choose between me and Ava or Boston, and strangely enough, I had the feeling she might have chosen her career over us, because it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

There was no choice.

I had to do it, for the good of our relationship, as hard as I knew the move was going to be.

“Boston? Shit.”

“Yeah.” I shifted slightly in the chair and pushed my food around the plate with the fork.

“That girl has you by the balls.  You’re considering this?” Trace laughed, and took a gulp of his orange juice.  It had been a few days since Val and I had discussed the whole thing, and it hadn’t been mentioned again.  I knew she was giving me a good week to give her an answer, before the pressure would start.  Since my best friend had always given me good advice in the past, I called him up one morning and asked him to have breakfast, so I could confide in him about the situation.  

“I’m not considering it...I’m going to do it.  I just...I just needed to talk to somebody about it.”

“Well I’m flattered, but it’s your life, man.”

I shrugged.  “I guess I’m just worried that Ava won’t do well with the move.  She’s already acclimated herself here, she has stability for the first time in her life, you know? Moving...I don’t know, she’d have to start all over again.”

“She’s a tough little kid,” Trace told me.  “It might be hard at first, but she’ll get used to it.  She’ll have you, and Val. That’ll get her through.”

“Yeah.”

“What else is wrong?”

“I don’t know.  It’s just a lot...I guess.  I’ve never left the state.  My whole life is here.”

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong,” he smiled.  “You’re getting married.  Your life is all about her now, remember? It’s the ultimate sacrifice, marriage.  Once you say I do, your life isn’t about you anymore.  It’s a commitment to her.  So I guess the question is, are you ready to sacrifice everything for Val?”

I’d never put it to myself like that before, and I was thankful for him.  He was right, my life would change when I married Val.  I would be the man, the one who was supposed to stand by her, support her, as we raised Ava and started our own family.  Was I ready? The more I thought about it, the more I knew I didn’t want to be without her.  But I also thought about all the people in my life, how much they meant to me.

And I also thought about Betsy, who was away, trying to become the person we all knew and loved again.  She was going to come back for the bridal shower, and wedding of course.  We’d already determined that through Carter, and Valerie had insisted that she be a bridesmaid, even if she didn’t know her that well.

But when she was ready to come back home for good, I would be gone.  An entire country away.

Once again, we would just miss each other, just miss...being able to be good friends again.  I wouldn’t be able to sponsor her and do all the things I’d promised.  Of course she would understand but...but it made me upset at the same time.

Out of everything, I think...Betsy was the thing that was making me having second thoughts about the move, and I knew how fucked up that was.  Val and Ava were my life, my whole world, and nobody should have stood in the way of that.

But I still had that feeling.  One that told me Betsy was really important, that I needed her, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

“It’s Collins isn’t it?”

I stared at him, hating how he could read me like a book, but knowing I shouldn’t have expected anything different.  “I...I don’t know...”

“You’re not still all...how you were, about her, right?”

“God, no.  It’s not like that.  It’s just that we never got a chance to get our friendship back on track.”

He leaned forward, a serious expression on his face.  “Are you sure that’s all it is?”

I sighed.  “I’m in love with Val.”

“So?  You’re not answering the question, Justin.  Do you have feelings for the girl or not?”

I couldn’t say anything, couldn’t look at him, because I knew what the answer was.  It was one I buried deep down inside of me, that I desperately didn’t want to be true.

But there was no denying that I would always have a special feeling for Betsy Collins.  We’d been through too much together, for me to simply forget how much I cherished every part of her.  Still, I only shrugged for Trace, because I was too embarrassed to admit the truth.

“You better get your shit sorted out, Justin,” he warned me.  “I really like Val.  She’s changed you, gotten your ass to mature and act like the adult you should have been a long time ago.  You should make this move.  It’s the best thing, and it will get your mind off of Betsy.  She’s warped you...and she’s still warping you from her little alcove upstate.  You need to be separated from all of that, and realize there’s more to life than her.”

Trace still didn’t like her, even after everything she’d done for me, how she’d sacrificed herself to ensure Ava would be placed back with me.  I wasn’t sure if it was his bitter resentment against DCF that made him feel that way, or simply the fact that he liked Val better.  I didn’t want to get into it with him, because I didn’t have all that much time left where I could talk to him face to face, and the last thing I wanted to do was fight.  “I’m going, Trace.  I just...I guess I just miss Betsy, that’s all.”

“Quit missing her so much.  She’s away, getting herself together, and when she comes back she’ll start over on her own.  She doesn’t need you to help her do it.” He shoved the last of his pancakes in his mouth.  “I’ve told you before, if you fuck up this awesome thing you have going with Val, I’ll beat the shit out of you.  She’s the best thing that ever happened to you, and fuck, you should be like...I dont know, praising God that she came into your life at all.”

“That’s kind of dramatic, Trace.”

“Well, it’s the way I feel.  You’re an idiot if you let that girl go.  Get married and go to Boston, Justin.  Live your damn life, before it’s too late.”

He was blunt, like he’d been so many other times in my life where I’d hit rock bottom and wanted to give up on everything.  If I knew what was good for me, I would listen to him, because Trace had never lead me wrong before.

So I did.

I told Val a couple of nights later, after having a conversation with Carter about it too.  He basically agreed with Trace, told me that I shouldn’t have risked my relationship for his sister, because our lives were too different and they would always be.  He said he would take care of her when she finally came home, make sure she landed on her feet, and I guess I always knew he would.

But it didn’t make that feeling inside of me go away.

She’s thrilled, naturally, contacted the school and told them she was going to accept the position.  They’ve gotten us a town house in the heart of Boston.  It’s huge, compared to my tiny ass apartment, and they’ve told Val that as long as she keeps her job at the school, we won’t have to pay any rent.  That’s a huge deal.  It means all the money I make, can basically be socked away for a down payment on a real home, which the school has also told us they can help finance for us.  It’s a blessing...all of it, and I’m thankful.  As for Ava? She’s still uneasy about the whole thing, as many times as I’ve told her about what Boston is going to be like.  I bought a couple of books, and I sit with her sometimes, showing her all the cool things there are to do out there.  Aquariums, museums, and it’s only a short train ride into New York City. I’m totally planning on bringing her there too, the first chance I get.  I’ve never been either, so it’ll be an adventure for the both of us.

But she’s still not all that excited.  She keeps telling me that she’s going to miss her school, and Lucas and Ashley, who have become her very best friends.  Val tells me she’ll snap out of it the first time we bring her to the Boston Aquarium, but I’m not so sure.

Maybe I’m just worrying too much.

“Where is she daddy?”

I straighten the ‘Welcome Home’ sign in her arms, and smile as I plant a kiss on her forehead.  “She’s still getting off the plane, baby doll.”

Today is the day Betsy comes home for a visit, and we’ve come to greet her at the airport, Ava and I.  Val is at the bridal salon with her maid of honor and mother today, trying on her wedding dress to ensure the alterations are correct, but she’s promised to meet us at Carter’s for dinner tonight.  Betsy will be here now, until just after the wedding.  That way she can attend all the events we’ve planned, as well as get some time in with her brother.  It’s a good thing.  I’d like for Ava to get some time with her before we leave for Boston, too.

She doesn’t know about the move, but a part of me feels that she won’t mind so much when she finds out.  That she’ll be happy for me, and handle herself fine when I’m gone.

At least, I hope so.

“Look it’s them, Daddy!” Ava points happily at the escalator and jumps up and down a little bit.  “Mister Carter and Betsy!”

I look up, adjusting bouquet of flowers in my hands, being able to make out the two of them at the very top of the escalator.  I smile, and wave, see them both wave back at us, and then...then they reach the bottom.  Carter walks off first, and shakes my hand, thanks me for coming to get them.

And then there’s Betsy.

Betsy who looks...amazing in her summer sundress, with her classic light touches of makeup she used to be famous for in the past.  She’s cut her hair short too, just to her shoulders.  It’s straight as a pin, shiny and renewed.  It’s a different look for her, but I think...I like her this way.  Her smile is brilliant, unwavering, as she comes to me and lets me kiss her cheek and hold her close.  She smells like I remember, clean, and fresh, and just...incredibly strong.

I know she’s changed.  That she’s better.  Not a hundred percent but, it’s definitely not the same girl who left us in January.  “Hey Collins,” I smirk, and hand her the flowers.

“You old sap,” she accepts them with a laugh.  “Thank you.”

“How...how’s everything?”

She nods a bit, looks down in the bouquet for a moment before meeting my gaze again.  “Things are good, Justin.”

“Miss Betsy!”

My daughter is the only reason she’s able to tear her gaze away from mine, and I take her flowers as she crouches down to hug my daughter.  “You’ve gotten so much taller, Ava,” she laughs.  “You have to stop that.”

“I miss you, Miss Betsy.  I miss you a lot.”

“Well, I miss you too, but we’ll spend some time together during my visit.  I promise.”

Ava grins.  “Okay!”

I feel Carters eyes on me, and when I meet his gaze, I know why he’s looking at me that way.  He hasn’t told his sister about Boston, but he wants her to know as soon as possible, before she can get too attached. The worst thing for Betsy right now, would be for her to fall apart over losing us, and I know that.  

It’ll have to be tonight that I tell her, as much as that sucks.

But there’s no getting around it.