It's been just over 6 years since I've decided to keep somethings concerning everyone under wraps. It's now mid May 2008 and I'm with Nick Carter again, Belfast in Northern Ireland. He hasn't been feeling well over the past couple months and I know he needs to see a cardiologist and I've kept mum about his cocaine, marijuana and alcohol abuse all these years, but not anymore. He's promised me that once we're stateside again, he's going to see a doctor and has made an appointment already.
You probably want to know what's happened to Lance. He admitted to being gay, bi is more accurate in my honest opinion and we ended our romantic relationship in 2002. I stayed single and dated around, but nothing serious. I've gone out with Ryan Gosling (thanks for that fail, Justin), Matt Morris (Oshai and Justin joint fail) and Tony Lucca (Oshai) that I wouldn't care to relive. I did go on a major fail date with Aaron, but he didn't expect anything for himself...Until he told me he's worried about Nick and I've always been the one to get through to him, my heart racing at the guy's name. He tells me about what Nick's been doing since I walked away from him, breaking his heart.
The first time was because of the weed, the second was for his incessant partying and I couldn't take it anymore. This time we've been together for 3 years, his health isn't too good and I know that coke, drinking and pot don't help. "Jazzabee, you almost set?"
One thing I have to admit is that he hasn't been so sweet this time, he's close to beating the bitch out of me and I've somehow kept it hidden over the past year. "Yeah," I say, grabbing my phone and stuff it in my pocket. I look at him and know he did a line, just to get through tonight. "Why do you do that?" I ask him.
"Why not?"
"You're going to die from it and I don't want to stand by when it happens."
I sigh and his face twists up in rage and I wave my hands in a way to say 'fuck, forget it'. I walk to the door and he grabs my upper arm, pulling me to him. "What does it matter?"
"I don't want you to die for dancing with the devil and loving his monster," I snarl, tears welling up in my eyes.
"Go," he barks at me, shoving me toward the door. I put shades on and rub my arm as subtly as I can, Kent knowing what's going on. Kent shakes his head, but says nothing.
I hang my head and Nick scares me when he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. He lifts my head to see my face and kisses me, tenderly. He's more often angry than tender, cold and secluded. Weed is one thing, but the monster is a piece of the devil himself. He holds me and I start to think I should tell him how I feel, but decide against it.

We pull up to the arena and AJ smirks at him, making me shake my head. I know why. AJ pressured him and now they're both addicted, Nick more than AJ. Once in the dressing room, Howie looks at me and the two of them. I shake my head, unsure of what to say or do. "That's it! I've had it! Nick, AJ, sit down!" Howie screams, rage present. They sit on either side of me, Nick curling me to his side and I push away from him. "AJ, we get back home, rehab. It's the third time. Nick, you've been tired and your chest has been hurting. Jazz tells me your health issues for a good reason. I'm tired of you needing to be high just to get through the day. You need to take better care of yourselves."
I leave the room and call on person I've turned to for the past three years, but keep in mind that he still doesn't think Nick is for me. I hold back the bad shit and tell him only the good. "You better answer."
"Hahahahaha, that's fucked up, man. Hello?"
"Oshai," I whimper.
"It's Oshannie! Shut your fucking mouths! Hey, what's going on?" His protective tone coming out.

That was a heavy conversation, too much info for me to digest later or quickly and I know why she feels like she has to rescue him, save him from himself. She's going to stay with him and go to his testing with him in Florida, going with him to Santa Monica after. While he waits for the answers, she won't leave his side and I figured this would happen. She's always loved him and it doesn't seem to wane with time, always having a broken heart protected by walls. I know all about his drug use, alcohol abuse and it's because Oshannie told me. I think there's more to it than she tells me. It's been 3 weeks and she's been in Fort Lauderdale, his second day of testing today. I hope it's nothing serious, but with all the stupid shit he's been doing the past few years...
I catch her on Facebook and IM her. 'Hey, Oshannie'
'Sup, bro?'
'How was the testing?'
'Boring'
'How are you and Nick?'
A couple minutes pass without an answer. 'Good :)'
'He's being good this time?'
'Josh! Of course he is.'
'He quit?'
'*sighs* not yet'
'How long til the results?'
'couple days...when I know u will'
'scared?'
'like you wouldn't believe'
'why?'
'I don't wanna lose him like this. devil monster death'
Devil means alcohol and money, monster is cocaine and death should be obvious. 'I know'
'how do i make him stop'
'idk'
'I love him'
'I know, always have'
'wdid?'
'^shrugs^ wish i knew'
'visit us in SM tomorrow, we fly out late 2nite'
'I will.'
'g2g, he got out'

She posted 'Now we pray it's nothing serious' and logged off.
I comment on it. 'In my prayers as always'.
Justin texts me and we make plans to hang tonight, my mind in turmoil from her whole situation. She's hell bent on saving him, he doesn't think he needs to be saved and she's right about it. I don't know what to do or suggest to her, but I know he better not lay a hand on her.

I drive to Justin's and knock on his door, Trace answers it. "JC's here, fucker!" he yells, leading me into the house after he closes the door. We greet each other in the kitchen and I look for his current flame, Jessica Biel.
"Where's she?"
"Jess went out with Bev and Kenz," he tells me. He means her '7th Heaven' castmates, she's been talking to them more since his tour ended six months ago. "So, what's up?" He tosses me a Smart Water and nods at me, an eyebrow rising.
"Nick went for the tests and they fly to Santa Monica tonight, I'm stopping in to say hi tomorrow."
"He's not going to stop hard partying."
Trace is looking back and forth between us, lost. "I'm confused."
"Yeah, the plane passed over your head again," Justin teases his childhood friend.
I sigh. "Jazz is with Nick again-"
"Nick fucking douche bag Carter?!" Trace shouts.
"Yeah, shorty," Justin sadly confirms, spinning his soda can on the counter and looks at me.
"Like I was trying to tell you, he's been tired alot and has had some sharp chest pains. She made him see a cardiologist for tests, now we hope it's nothing or for him to get better because I don't think she'd ever heal from his death. She's loved him for so long, it might just be a nasty cycle for her."
"Didn't she date Lance?" Justin asks.
"For just over a year, yeah."
"Where was I?" Trace questions.
"Hiding behind Justin after the 'Smarties' incident," I quip, giving him a creepy smile with evil eyes.
"You still haven't forgotten?"
"No way."
Justin clears his throat and we look at him. "Has she had a serious relationship between Lance and Nick?"
"No, J, she was dating around, but she had been more focused on herself at that time."

I can't believe she went back to Nick, the same guy who destroyed her twice before. He also betrayed her by recording a song that detailed their sexual deviance from their relationships. She had been unfaithful, but hadn't said who she had been dating when the whole thing happened. The last time she had been with Nick, she was running around on him with me and it didn't happen this time. She's called and e-mailed me, but our face to face time alone has been greatly restriced and I want to know why. I doubt she'd ever give me a straight answer.
I start hearing a beat forming in my brain, bobbing my head to it and I head to the studio to get it down. I text C and don't get one back right off, remembering that he's visiting his sister in Santa Monica. I get one a couple hours later. 'Timbs, he's with me. Leaving for FL Sun eve, NC's results came in. Doc wants to tell him f2f' and it tells me everything I want to know, but don't want to hear. I hope he's going to be fine, for her heart's sake.
I sigh and fire one back. 'Hope he's ok. N my prayers. Sry for interrupting. Txt me back l8r. Have fun.' I hate being so cordial sometimes, but when it comes to the matters of the heart and/or her. I keep telling myself that as long as she's happy, I can be and move on. I can't believe she can't get over him and I lose the battle of getting over her every time. I love her and always will.
"J, love, live and let go." I look at Trace and go to stand on my back patio, leaning on the rail. "J, I know you really love her and she's always going to have your heart, but you're with Jessica. She's willing to marry you, broken heart and all."
"Trace, when I'm completely over her is the day she's done with Nick for good."
"Do you know why she's so steadfast about him right now?"
"No, why?" I ask, curious as hell and he sucks in a sharp breath, telling me everything.

I sit on a patio chair and rest my elbows on the table, my head falling into my hands. "-why she's serious about Nick."
"Oh, wow. That...just wow," I comment, "That puts so much into perspective about the whole thing."
"Told you months ago it was highly complicated," he reiterates, watching the sun drifting into the horizon and sipping his Corona.
"AJ, too?" I ask.
"He's a little different."

Knowing the whole situation changes things, her believing she can save a half dead man and a relationship. She's always loved him because she's always gone back to him, but he's such an asshole to her. I'll always love her with my whole heart and I'll never stop because she means the most. I know it was only 6 months, but I remember every kiss, touch and time we fell asleep curled up together. I remember conversations with her, even ones I shouldn't be able to and I relive them in my thoughts sometimes. We'll always have a place for each other in our hearts, but I doubt we're ever going to give us another chance.
I keep this train of thought going as I write and record this track, laying on my living room couch after. I lay here long enough to watch 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' almost to the end, the only interruption being my phone. I get up to answer it and grab a Pepsi, seeing it's JC calling. "Hey, C."
"I need to talk to you, be there in ten."
"Okay, what's up?"
"Just surprised about how nice he'd been, he wasn't nasty at all today," he says, oddly shocked about it and confused.
"Sure."

Minutes later, JC strolls into my house and calls out for me. "Yo, J!"
"Right here," I call out from my couch, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.
"Stop lazing around, asshole. The visit with Oshannie was surreal, man."
"What? How?"
"Nick wasn't just nice, he was nice like back when they first got together and it was...awkwardly reassuring."
I scrunch my face up and shake my head, getting up to walk into the kitchen with him hot on my heels. "Why was it...'reassuring'?" I ask, using air quotes as I take a step backward and turn around to grab a beer for each of us.
I pass one to JC and he slowly twists the top off, spinning it on the edge of its bottom while he watches it balance during each rotation. He takes a deep breath and sighs, seeing it all replay in his mind as if he was reliving it. "He was nice to all of us, sweet to her and was openly romantic with her, hiding nothing."
"Isn't that what we've been wanting for her?" I slowly question, squinting one eye and pointing at between us before popping the bottle top off.
"Well, yeah, but I didn't think that it would be so dramatic. I mean, every time he'd start acting weird, she'd pull him into another room for ten or fifteen minutes and he would be calmer than when they'd left the room. It's his first day without any drugs or alcohol in his system because she asked."
"Why so often?"
"She told me she looked up all the side effects of withdrawls and looked out for all the symptoms, pulling him aside when one would pop up. He'd sweat more than usual or he'd get irritated or he'd start shaking and she'd coax him to go into another room with him to calm him down before it got too bad."
He seems defeated, scared to let her love Nick again and I can't do anything but raise my eyebrow at the sight in front of me. I haven't seen him this unsure since he began recording his sophomore album 'Kate', questioning not just himself, but also life since attempting to release it. Of course it bombed and he's pissed because we both put our all into it with some other friends and producers that we had worked with. Jazz pushed him to try and he did, her confidence for his musical abilities exuding the whole time-even when the record execs had none, when he was down and out. She's never once turned her back on any of us, always supportive and one of our biggest fans. She's even supported Backstreet Boys, Aaron and so many other acts that have been established that she's had some involvement with. One of the upcoming acts was something she has been helping me battle for, Justin Bieber and I'm going up against Usher for his talent. It's like a label lock out, but she stands behind me. "But that's a good thing, her being supportive of him getting back into shape and fixing his personal life," I observe, sipping my semi-cold drink.
He stops spinning it and rubs his face with both hands, keeping his hands on his face. "I don't know how to feel about the whole situation," he mutters into his hands, slightly muffled.
"I don't either, I give her space and just let her do her thing." He peeks at me from behind his hands through his fingers, his icy colored eyes piercing me while I take a swig from my liquid courage. "Man, I won't lie-she's smoking hot and if she ever came to me saying she wants another chance, I wouldn't hesitate to do it."
He slips his fingers down his face so that I can only see his nose and eyes, it's creepy. "Really? 'Smoking hot'? Man, that's my sister!" he bites, his eyes darkening.
"Okay, she's pretty and I still like her," I quickly save my ass, holding a single digit up in defense and holding onto my beer. He nods and we laugh at some of our first memories with her, it quickly climbing back up to now.

I'm scared shitless to find out what the doctor found, but here's Jazzabee at my side as she assures me during the drive there and I squeeze her hand with mine, my fingers intertwined with hers. 'Next Contestant' plays, both of us fans of this song Nickelback released a couple years before and we smile at the CD playing as we sing with it. Belting this out, brings back memories of some of our fights we've had and I feel bad because of their contents. "Baby?" She hums her acknowledgement. "Can you play 'Far Away'?"
"Yeah, any others?"
"Just 'How You Remind Me' after."
"Mmm, okay." She plays the first song I requested, I'm unable to stop my voice as I sing it to her and I mean every single syllable. Between verses and throughout, kissing her when I get the chance and as we pull into the parking lot, she straddles my hips for a sensual kiss full on my mouth when she's sure it's parked. Our bodies end up pressed so intimately together in the driver's seat that I almost don't care about  the appointment, but I have to push her away because of a promise I had made to her and I know I need the answer to what's wrong with me.
"I said I'd find what's wrong with me," I remind her, gently pushing her away.
She nods, giving me a small kiss and I can see the fear set in her eyes moments later. She sighs, tries to give me her most reassuring smile and closes her eyes a few seconds. She was praying for me. "Let's go get the results."
"Yeah," I reply, scared of knowing.

We're sitting in his office waiting for him, Jazz is trying to sit as patiently as she can and fails miserably. "I'm so scared," she whispers.
I stand up, pull my chair closer to her and place a sweet soft kiss to her lips. "I'll be fine." I hope I'm not lying, that would tear her apart from the inside out. She gives me a disbelieving glance. "I love you."
She slowly blinks her eyes, lips between her teeth and takes in a sharp breath. Just after I press my mouth to hers again, the doctor walks in. "Nick, how have you been feeling?"
"A little better."
"Well, I can tell you that you need a total 180 lifestyle change or you will die."
I don't think I understand what he's saying, I hope I'm wrong. "What?"
"You need to eat healthier, exercise and stop using controlled substances now or you will die before you're 35."
I search his eyes for any clue as to being funny, only spotting sincerity and honesty. I look at Jazz as she rubs my palm with her thumb, her ocean orbs watering show me that she doesn't want to lose me and I know she doesn't want me to die like this. "What did you find?"
"You have cardiomyopothy, it's a heart condition and it can be caused by many things, including use of controlled substances and alcohol abuse which is your case. It's also paired with eating poor nutrients in your diet."
"What is that?" she asks the gentleman across the desk from us.

'Siberia' has a new meaning to me, one I thought I'd never see or know and the roles are reversed, she's in the narrator's shoes. I never want her to feel like I have over the past few years when it comes to her, she's important and I truly mean I love her. I can't lose her, she's been there through most of the worst times that I've had and I need her support. So many more songs seem to reveal a second meaning to me now, songs like Kravitz's 'I Belong To You' opens my eyes when I hear it and I hear her fight back sobs. She squeezes my hand with one of hers, the other palm rubbing up and down my forearm as she tries to soothe us both. "I love you," I quietly tell her, my thumb caressing the side of hers.
"I love you," she reminds me.
"Nashville?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"After we get a place there."
She agreed to it and I suppose I'm surprised, she might just be in shock from it. "Okay, we can search online." I have to tour again soon, but I'm going to trust her with that.

We walk in the house, her cell pressed to her ear as she gabs away with Peter Katsis once she informed Fatima and I know the tour dates in Africa have almost been cancelled at this point because of my heart condition. "Thank you, Peter. He needs a few weeks to digest this and adjust to the necessary changes before heading back out on the road. I will have him check in once we've settled in. Yes. Of course. No, it's no problem. Bye."
"When do we tell everyone else?"
"We just take off, settle in and only tell those who need to-the guys, Oshai and your family," she suggests, her head falling to my chest and she pours out her emotional torment in tears on my shirt. I wrap my arms  around her, pulling her as close as I can and I want to cry with her. She's soaking my shirt as she cries, the fear quickly becoming real to me and I can't let myself breakdown emotionally because I have to be strong for her. I take in a deep breath and release it, taking a moment to organize my thoughts into words.
I kiss her head and rub her back. "We can do that."

It's been a few days and we've aready found a place here in Nashville, settled in even. My family knows and she hasn't had much of a chance to get around to telling JC yet, but has been taking care of everything for me. Do I get a say about what she takes care of? No. I pull her short jean shorts and halter top clad body into my lap, kissing her. The house phone rings and she tries to jump up to answer it, but I pull her back into my arms to hold her in place. "Nick," she whines.
"Sam," I mock, holding tight to her hips.
"It could be important."
"We know what's wrong and nobody is sick."
"You are."
I sigh from frustration. "I'm going to be fine as long as I make the necessary changes in my life," I remind her.
"I won't lose you."
"You aren't going to, not without a fight."
She leans her body against my front, turning her torso toward mine and looping her arms around my neck. I hug her tightly and she sighs. We stay like this for a long time, not watching the clock because we have no reason to. "I love you," she tells me.
"I love you." I can't lie to her, I always have and everything has been put into perspective using different lighting. "Seven weeks, right?"
"Yeah, seven weeks to help you get settled into a better lifestyle." Things have been completely different since we got here, calmer and more laid back. I must admit it's nice and comforting, absolutely soothing to me.

I've been up since 5am, cleaned the house top to bottom and paid a few bills that are due next week online. I do that while telling him not to worry and that he should just kick back, he needs to rest his heart. He usually falls asleep around 1 or 2 and it gives me enough time to run around the block a time or two before snagging a shower, starting dinner after.
Once we've been here two weeks I'll have him start running with me, one of the changes he needs to do. I've begun making healthier meals for him, getting recipes from a sight online.
Paramore plays from my iPod deck, my head bopping to 'Pressure' and it just strikes a nerve and I change the song to 'That's What You Get' before I give up on changing the mood I'm in. I feel his strong hands around my waist and his head on my shoulder, kissing the side of my neck softly. I can't help but smile for God allowing me to have this time with him, for letting Nick live.
"Thank you, Jazz."
"You know I don't always run when things get tough, just when I need to clear my head."
"Can I be honest for a moment?"
What could he have to confess? Did he cheat? Did he slip up and get high? Did he drink? Did he lie? Does he want to break up? "Sure," I say, smiling at him.
He kisses my lips, pulling me closer and holding me tight. "I thought you would've ran considering the severity of everything and how serious we've become. You have a history of running, we both know it and it's what I expected you to do."
That's the truth, I won't deny it and I didn't expect him to say it to me after only being here a week. I rest my head on his chest, sighing. "I didn't because you need me the most right now."
His cell rings, he glances at its display and his sky blues meet my turquoise ones. "It's your older brother."
My half brother stopped calling and writing, only commenting on my Facebook once in a blue moon and the only brothers I do have are Nick's and the two Chasez ones. I smirk, knowing it's because I haven't called him in close to two weeks. I take it and accept the call. "Hey, Oshai. Sorry for not calling."
"Well, what's going on?" he questions, concern dripping from each word.
"I turned my phone off to let him rest."
"What did the doctor find?" He's even more up in arms now.
"Oshai, he has cardiomyopathy. He needs to relax and change his life around, eat healthier. It's he either does a whole 180 or his life dangles by a single thread."
"What has he changed?"
"He hasn't had any drugs or alcohol since you saw us last, he's eating better and in a week, he's going to start running with me."
"WOW! That's great!" he exclaims happily, almost chirping.
Nick's eyebrows raise and he smiles, pecking the tip of my nose. "Yes, I'm proud of him."
"You should be! Make sure you don't expect him to be perfect, he might relapse."
"I know, I've already put that into perspective."
"Would it be okay to come see you?"
"I'd rather it just be Nick and I for now."

A couple days have gone by and I'm talking to Aaron via Facebook messenger while Nick's still asleep. 'Has he gone back to himself?'
'Yes, he's back 2 the sweet man I fell for b4 we met'
'good :)'
'he does have his days tho. :('
'How often is that?'
'it happened yesterday, but I think it's cuz his system is ridding itself of the toxins and he's going through withdrawl'
'could be'
'I hope so'
'would he want me around?'
'after he calmed down and we were lying in bed, he said that he misses you...he wants you to visit at least'
'X)'
'stop cheezin, airboy lol'
'I'm his fave'
'out of the first set'
'what abt Kam and Tae?'
'Tae'
'hahahahahahahaha! of course.'
'when can I expect u?'
'just after 7/4'
'that sat?'
'during the wknd, yea'
'love you lil bro :*'
'love u 2. keep him strong. :*'
'I try'
'thnx 4 coming < when he needed you the most n 4 staying with him. Idk wht we wld do wo u'
'I never cld turn away when any1 really needs me'
'I appreciate that. thnx 4 helpn me before, always there 2 bail me out of trouble'
'u cld never keep urself out of it!'
'hahahahahaha ikr?'
'always bailing ur ass out of one thing or another smh'
'not lately X)'
'finally! XD'

"Jazzabee?" he calls through the house.
'g2g Kaos is up ttyl txt me <3'
'ok will do. dnt tell him I'm coming, make sure he's knows we're all proud of him n <3 him :)'
'def will :)'
I log off and leave the laptop on its home screen. "Who were you IMing?"
"Aaron. He and the rest of your family say hi, they love you and are all proud of you," I inform him as he crouches down to my level in the chair, his arms resting on my thighs and we smile at each other.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"I'm sorry for being an idiot, not listening to you and hurting you the way I did," he says, his fingertips brushing the sides of my lower back. He puts his head in my lap and I run my fingers through his hair, waiting to see if he has anything else to say. "Thank you for being here."
"Nick, you need someone to help you and I don't see why I can't."
"You've put everything on hold for me and I don't deserve it."
"You do, you needed someone to stand up and say enough. I wasn't enough, that's when I told Howie about the whole situation."
I hiss when he brushes a bruise he gave me the last time he snorted. "Did I hurt you?" he asks, scared he just did it.
"A couple weeks ago."
He feels bad, I see it in his eyes and I know it's genuine remorse. "Why would you put up with that?"
"Nick, it wasn't you; it was the monster."
He looks so weak, so tired and I'm surprised he's even awake. "You need to lay down, come on." I rub the side of his face and he pulls in a sharp breath.
"I am tired alot lately."
"You're crashing, that's why."
"What'd you do? Look up cocaine withdrawals online?" he jokes.
"Other than reading books concerning it and talking to other people who have gone off it."
We get up and I lead him to the couch. He sits in the corner piece of the couch and pulls me down to him, my knee almost hitting him in the crotch. "Whoa."
"Sorry." I bite my lip and he smiles while I readjust my body, making sure that I straddle him.
"Not your fault."
His breath smells like mint and he won't let me touch his stomach. "Did you throw up?"
"Yeah, soon as I got up."
I nod and cuddle to him, a phone interrupting us. I go to get up to answer it and he holds me tight, refusing to let me up. "Nick."
"Let it ring." He hasn't said that to me since the first time we had been together.
"For you." I lay my head on his shoulder and play with his hair, his body relaxing under mine.
The answering machine clicks on and we hear their publicist, J's voice pour out into the house. "Nick, we need to figure out what to tell the press. Why isn't Jazz answering her cell? Or her Facebook? Or her Twitter? Or her e-mail? Call me back."
His hand lazily rubs my back while the other slips in my hair, scratching my head. I notice how exhausted he is and I don't want to pin him, so I try to get up again. "Please don't go."
I relax my body again, kissing him. He's so needy, but I guess it comes with the whole situation. This leaves me with time to think about the past three years and everything I've been through, especially when it comes to Nick. Oshai has stood behind me for the most part and I think he understands why now. I never told anyone that Nick had been abusive to me when he was high and angry, but then again it wasn't really him; it was the monster.

She said that he's trying so hard to stay clean, no alcohol or drugs. Oh, shit! She's online! I IM her on Yahoo and smile. 'How's he holding up?'
'Good, he's upchuckn and sweating and tired and weak all the time.'
"That doesn't sound too good," I mutter to myself. 'How is that good?'
'he's not grumpy and is sweet'
'I guess that can be considered good'
'it is'
'why haven't we really hung out?'
'???'
'since you've gotten back w him, you try to avoid chilling w me. why? why such lil contact? why aren't we as close as we used to be?'
'I don't want to fall into the cycle we established last time :('
'what fucking cycle?' What does she mean? 'I have Jess'
I envision her sighing as she thinks of what to type. 'the one we got into when you were with BS'
That cycle. Right. 'understand that I promise you'll always be in my life, my heart and mean so much more than I'll ever admit to me, but I also know in my heart and soul, we won't ever work out and that we can't do that again'
'ok, same here, but Nick has always had my heart in his hands and a piece of my soul within his. thanks for understanding that. once he gets better, we can hang out. sound good?'
'it does. how far in is he?'
'17 days now, 1 1/2 wks into here'
'tell him I said to keep fighting it, glad to hear he's getting better :)'
'yeah, he should be over this sickness soon enough'
'sounds like a bad cold or the flu or food poisoning..... did you poison his food, JazzBean? lol XD'
'JUSTIN!!! have I ever done it to yours?'
'uuuuuhhhhhhhhmmmmmm'
'I have not'
'XD'
'go fuck your gf!'
'later ;)'
'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
'hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha'
'txt me l8r'
'u have ur cell?' I have to tease her.
'of course X?)'
'cheezn smh. yeah, I'll txt u l8r today'
'later timbs'
'l8r jazzbean'

"Felt good to reconnect with her," I think out loud to myself.
"Reconnect with who?" Trace asks, scaring the shit out of me and he smirks.
"You fucking asshole. JazzBean, I just IMed her on Yahoo and she told me why she wasn't chilling with me for so long."
"Which is?"
"For her and I to know."
Let me explain why I don't tell my boy-he doesn't know about when she and I had been fooling around when I was with Brit. The only ones that knew were me, the guys and her. Aaron may have known near the end.
"I'm your boy, you're supposed to tell me."
I roll my eyes and walk away, my head shaking side to side. "Nah, it's done and over with, I don't need her boyfriend murdering me."
"What'd you do? Kiss her?" he taunts.
"Yeah, that's just it," I sarcastically remark.
I turn to face him as I lean on the back of my couch. "You're lying!" he yells, pointing at my smirk. "You've slept with her! When? Where? How come I wasn't told? What's her favorite position? Does she kiss during it?"
I look at him like he's a foreign life form and out of his fucking mind, but in my opinion is that he is. "I don't wanna bring that skeleton out."
"Why not? Was she that bad?"
"Let's just say that nobody can compare to her and I don't need anyone to know." He's going to tell someone and she's going to find out, come flying in my house and kick my ass. Last thing I want is her to do to me is beat my head in, no matter the circumstances.

A few days later, I look at my caller ID as I'm hanging out with Timbaland to find out that it's Howie. "Yo, D."
"When in the fuck did you sleep with Jazz?"
I'm gonna beat Trace's head in so far that he is in a coma. "Years ago, during the NSA tour and whatnot."
"When exactly?"
"You can't tell Nick."
"Was she with him?"
"I don't know, when did he write 'Sick As My Secrets'?"
"He worked on that for a couple years."
"What's 'a couple years'?"
"Since she took off in early 98."
"When did he finalize and record it?"
"About a year, year and a half after she took off."
"From when to when?"
"From March of 98 until just before CFTC in 99, barely over a year."
"What like a day or two before the event?"
"That same week."
"Thanks. Do you know who Nick was referring to when he wrote the line 'does he know it's me you've been talking to'?" I demand.
"No, I wish I did."
I nod to myself. "Talk to you later."
"Did you sleep with her?"


I hang up, not wanting to answer him and it's because I know he'd tell Nick. "JUAN TRACE AYALA!!!" I scream through the house, repeating it as I cross my yard to my guest house and you guessed right if you believe I'm pissed. I'm fucking ripshit enraged, veins popping out of my neck and my face no doubt a deep red. Answer me you stupid fucker.
I walk through the door and catch him dead to the world on his bed, TV on. I scream his full name at the top of my lungs and he startles enough to fall off the edge of the bed he had been hanging off, face against the mattress. "Oh, it's just you, Justin," he grumbles, sitting on the edge of the bed and waking up.
"You shouldn't feel fucking relieved, jackass! You promised not to say anything and you told Howie fucking Dorough?!"
I watch as his face contorts into a look of being caught with his hand in the cookie jar, waiting for his reasoning and excuses. "I DMed him on Twitter and said not to tell anyone."
"Man, AJ's a safer fucking bet!" I shout, pointing behind me.
"How is he safer than Howie?"
"Howie called me asking when I slept with Jazz!"
"AJ wouldn't have?"
"No, he kept the whole Jazz/Caylei thing hidden for a couple years at least!"
"You knew?"
"I punched Nick in his face for playing them the night I found out, AJ told me everything and I told Jazz who ended up telling Caylei. It's exactly why only you, me and C know where she lives now."
"But Jazz won't tell us where she and Nick are!" he argues.
"Dude, she's with her man! She's a friend of ours, not family," I admit dejectedly.
"Do you have any ideas where she could be?"
"If C doesn't know, I don't."
"I bet Old Man knows."
"He won't tell if he was sworn to secrecy with her."
"Who else might know?"
"Lance won't tell his momma if he knew and she said not to say anything and if Joey knows, he's only permitted to tell Kelly."
"What about Brit or Christina or David Gallagher?"
"Man, Brit and I haven't talked like that since we broke up, Christina's too busy with her little family and I have now clue if she even talks to David anymore."
"What about Nick's brothers and sisters? His friend, Briant or Brennan?"
"Brent?"
"Yeah! Him!" he excitedly shouts, pointing at me.
"Maybe, but I'm going to stay out of it."
I sit in the chair by the door and think for a moment, his phone ringing. "Hello? Hey, baby. Jazz called you?" He looks at me with wide eyes. "Nahville, huh? Okay, sure, we can go to Millington. Next week. What do you say, J?"
"Sure," I wave him off, smirking like the asshole I can be.

One of my friends, Joanna, is coming to visit Millington and we have plans to meet up with our men in tow. It should prove to be interesting because I know if Trace is coming, Timbs just might tag along. I roll my eyes at that and continue typing up a note for my profile, noting this journey with Nick. Yes, I'm chonicling this and only certain people can view it. I know some of his fans are on my 'friends' list and I have to be cautious of what I make public, so I always change the settings for my notes. I copy and paste the same thing to my livejournal and Myspace, editing the latter for my fan ones. I have a private one and then a public one, editing the public ones so that the fans can only access the ones I know I contain just enough to appease his fans.
AJ? He's doing good, he earned back his cell phone for good behavior last night and he called a little while ago before Nick layed down. Nick's asleep on the couch beside me and he groans in his sleep, I run my hand through his hair. He grabs my hand and holds it, something he's been doing more often. No, we haven't made love since the day we found out and he's been very affectionate since, trying to make it work without sex. I can tell he wants to, but he's been too tired and I just want him to feel better. I publish all the entries and turn it off, Nick's phone rings. He reaches out for it and accepts the call, putting it to his ear. "Hello?" he greets the caller groggily, gently tugging my hand and I glance at him. He's standing up in front of me, nodding at the steps in his shorts and A frame shirt. He carefully pulls me to my feet and we ascend the steps, going into the bedroom. He lays in the center of the bed, one hand under the back of his head and looks at me before moving his eyes to his waist. He wants me to straddle him, maybe to cuddle and he sticks out the boo-boo lip. I smile, giggling softly and comply with his request. "No, I understand, AJ. I know. No, no, Jazz is right here at my side. Baby, he doesn't think you're here with me," he tells AJ, his eyes watching me strip off my top as straddle him and leave my skirt and bra on.
"Hey, AJ! Hang in there and get better! You'll do great!" I loudly say, encouraging him.
I grind my hips, looking at him curiously and he smiles at me. He motions toward the nightstand on his side and I crawl over to it, opening the drawer to find condoms and bring one back with me after closing the drawer. "Love you, too, man. Yeah, buzz me tomorrow. Jazz and I need to do something, time alone. I'm no playboy anymore, it's only her. Man, it's been a month! I haven't had the energy and I haven't been feeling good. Yeah, I know and she's-" he says, hissing as I press my hips against his and rock and grind against him, "-instigating things."  He gets that devious smirk on his lips, pressing his hard on against my center and I softly moan. It's been far too long and it feels too good to make him stop. "No, we haven't even started." He takes his hand behind his head and grabs my hip, pushing me down to press against me better. "Yeah, talk to you tomorrow." He hangs up and I feel his other hand do the same thing to my other hip. "Damn," he groans, holding me in place as we dry hump.
"Please, Nick," I whine, needing him so badly after so long.
"I need a kiss first," he barters. He brushes his fingers up and down my sides, sending chills through me as he smirks.
I smile at him and fulfill his request, his hands unzipping my skirt on the side at the same time while mine hold onto his face. His hands find the clasp to my bra and tosses them to the side, lightly touching my naked flesh. My body's already warming up, hot to the touch and I want nothing more than Nick. I slip the condom into his palm, he uses the teeth on the packaging as a tool to get me going even more and he sits up with me balanced on his lap with one arm around me. "Nick," I whisper, barely audible and hissing.
He smiles against my skin, his hand moving from my lower back up to sit between my shoulder blades and I close my eyes in immeasurable pleasure. When he moves his hand to my left shoulder, he flips me onto my back and presses against me in a way that he hasn't done since the first time we had been together. His mouth is attacking my neck and around my ear, my wave building up intensely and quickly. He flicks my earlobe with the tip of his tongue, driving me crazy with want and my legs lock around his waist. I want to get to it even though he's got me in nothing but my lacy boyshorts, needing him inside me and he's more than sure of what to do. My hands slide down to his button and zipper, undoing them faster than he got my skirt off. I can feel his shaft against the inside of my thigh through his boxers, solid and he closes his lips over the small piece of flesh behind my earlobe. He drops down to his forearms, my back arching to press our bodies closer than I thought I could and he grabs a handful of my hair to gently tug on. He's doing everything just right, getting all the reactions he wants when he wants them and I know this is the Nick that hasn't been here for so long. I use my feet to strip his shorts and boxers off, his hands pulling his shirt off as he goes into a kneeling position moments later to finish stripping down to nothing. He lightly smacks my thighs, slipping his hands up and down them. He puts the condom beside us and he pushes my legs against my torso, ridding me of my underwear in a single motion. He kneels for a final time and wraps it, falling back down to his forearms to gently press our bodies close together. He kisses my lips with feverish need and want, sliding inside me and my legs lock around his shoulders. He slips his arms through my legs, rocking his hips as my long and lean legs slide down his body to his waist. He's gentle, but rough and it's just so perfect, the best in a long time. "So good," he moans, voicing his approval and enjoyment.
My back archs and my body presses against his harder, his arms slipping under my back to hold me in place. He rolls us without slipping out so that I'm on top and I rock my hips, creating friction we need. He keeps his arms locked around my body, making it harder than normal to move and my lips crash into his before rapidly moving to the side of his neck where his pulse is. He begins rocking his hips, turning his body into a bridge and we almost instantaneously reach the crest as our body temperatures rise. My hands are flat against the bed, falling to my forearms and one hand darts into his hair while the other goes behind his neck. Our lips are locked together, our tongues darting around to mingle and my walls clamp around him so tight that we both feel as if the breath had been knocked clean out of our lungs. I squirt my juices and I know he felt it, his head tilting back as he releases a low groan of pleasure as my hand tightly grips what little bit of hair he has on his head. I see stars behind my eyelids, his arms tightening around my body as the tsunami wave crashes into both of us and I break our kiss to drop my head on his shoulder. Once I get my breath back, I curl to his side and his arm winds around me. "We need a shower," I quietly say.
"The bedding has to be changed too," he tells me.
I giggle and his free hand rests on my cheek, my eyes closing from habit. His brows furrow when I open my eyes, his orbs meeting mine and he understands why in moments. He tilts my head up to kiss me, gentle and sweetly. He hasn't been anything but sweet and gentle with me, but the damage he had caused while dancing with the devil and  partying with the monster will take forever to undo. He sees everything in a different light now, unaffected by anything harmful. I can see the remorse, but also recognition of all the scars that have formed over the past few years with him and he knows each wound. He probably associates each one with a certain time and place or an outfit, knowing what he's done to me.

I'm waiting with Nick at the diner for Jo and Trace, knowing Timbs is coming because she had confirmed it earlier today. I spot Justin's buzzed head hovering over a red-brown head of hair and a truck cap covered dome before releasing a small giggle, pointing it out for my boyfriend. He chuckles at the sight. Jo gets a few steps away, the clicking of her heels moving faster as I stand and she nearly jogs over to me for a hug. "Jazzy, I've missed you. Santa Monica and LA aren't the same when you're gone."
"I know, Jo. Nick needs me here with him."
She looks into my eyes and understanding encompasses her expression, never needing me to explain it out loud. "It's okay, sweetie. You look better, Nick," she says, giving him a quick hug and Trace shakes hands with him. Justin seems a bit stiff, nervous almost and greets Nick first.
"You seem to have gotten over that flu or whatever, glad to see you better," he says, biting his tongue and knowing I lied to him via IM.

I wonder how JazzBean is doing, maybe I should drop her a line. I go to grab my cell phone when Briahna runs at me, jumping into my lap. "Daddy! Guess what I did in school today!" she exclaims. I'll have to remember to call Jazz later.
"What did you do?" I reply, trying to be as excited as she is and Kelly cooly walks into the house.
"I wrote a poem and I want to turn it into a song like you, Uncle JC, Uncle Justin, Uncle Chris and Uncle James used to! Then I drew some new outfits and Mrs. Murin said she would wear them! Then I won a soccer game in gym!" she tells me, bouncing around in my lap as she prattles off the events of her day.
Kelly walks behind me, taps the top of my head and I lean my head back for a kiss. "Do me a favor?" I ask her.
"What now, Joe?" she sighs.
"Remind me to call your third bridesmaid."
She furrows her brow and thinks. "Lisa?"
"No, honey, I mean Jazz," I chuckle.
"Have you talked to her lately?"
"No, it's been a couple months and I haven't spoken to he guys, either."
"Conference call them all," she suggests to me.
"Bri, you need to let me up, baby. I have to talk to mommy," I tell my 7 year old, lightly scratching her back. Kelly walks into the kitchen to start dinner as I hand Briahna a coloring book and utensils, following her right after her. "What's up?"
"Just that I ran into JC and he looks very antsy."
"She hasn't been in town for a few weeks and he's her brother."
"No, more than usual."
I look at her, confused. "How is he antsier than usual?"
"I invited him over and he said he needs to talk to you alone, you can't tell anyone a word of what he tells you because Sam would kill him."
"I can do that." I hear the doorbell and head to the door. "When haven't I not kept a secret?"
"True, you kept Bri a secret for a few years."
I look at the security camera screen for the front door and see it's an overly antsy JC, he looks borderline paranoid. What could have him this skittish? I let him in, greeting him warmly and he forces a smile when Bri comes over to him. "UNCLE C!"
"Briahna! How's my favorite niece?" he jokes.
"You just saw me!" She looks behind him, bewilderment adorning her face. "Where's Auntie Bean?"
"She's with her boyfriend, Nick. He was really sick and she made sure to get him feeling a little better, but now he has to go back on tour. She's going with him to make sure that he takes care of himself, they should be back around September 7."
"Sick? How sick?" I ask, folding my arms over my chest.
"That's what I want to talk to you about." His blue eyes show his fear and concern as if encased in crystal. "Why don't you draw me an outfit you think I'd look good in?" he suggests to my little girl, putting on the floor and she runs off.
"We can talk alone in the screen room," I offer, walking to the kitchen. I pop my head around the corner to let Kelly know and we go there. We sit down and he begins wringing his hands together like a scolded child.
"You can't tell anyone, not even Kelly or Oshannie will have my head."
"Promise. What's up?"
He sighs heavily. "Nick is fighting an addiction to cocaine and it's only because he found out he has cardiomyopathy."
I stare at him blankly, unsure if he's serious and blink a few times before clearing my throat. "That's pretty big. He hasn't hit her, has he?"
"Not that I could see."
"Was she doing it?"
"I don't think she'd touch it."
"Why stick by him?"
"She loves him."
"Justin says he doesn't see her much, not for the past 3 years."
"I don't know why, but she's been at Nick's side the whole time if she wasn't at mine."
"Or mine, Chris or Lance's. She's been hanging out with Trace's girlfriend, Jo."
"Yeah, I know."
"Do you think Kelly would know?"
"I don't think so."
"You're probably right."
"Think JoAnna might know?"
"No, not unless she was sworn to secrecy and she wouldn't even tell Ayala."
"But if Ayala knows somehow..." I think aloud, my chin falling into my hand.
"He was snooping or listened in on a phone call with her."
"Which means Justin might know because of him."
"Should Chris and Lance be told?"
"I want to live."


September comes and it's now the 9th, my phone rings at 10am. I almost have a panic attack when I read the display. "Hey!"
"You sound excited to hear from me," she laughs.
"Because I am and a little confused."
"I wanted to stop in and see your beautiful family later on today after the baby Fatone gets home from school."
"Um, sure. Will you be alone?"
"That's your choice."
"You know Nick's always welcome." I wince, hoping she doesn't think it's suspicious.
"He needs to talk to you anyway."
"Sure."
"See you around four?"
"Definitely." I hang up and look at Kelly when she comes onto the patio, I look like a scared child.
"What happened, honey?"
"Jazz called me, she wants to stop by to see Bri and Nick wants to talk to me alone," I tell her, regaining a little composure after looking like a fish on a fishing dock as it dies.
"Do you know why he'd want to talk to you?"
"Maybe it has to do with what C told me a month and a half ago."
"What was that?"
"C doesn't want her knowing I know and we both want to live."

"Are you sure about this, Nick?" I ask him, putting my left foot on the car door pocket and getting more comfortable a few minutes after leaving our house for LA & Beverly Hills to see Oshai and his old group mates.
He sighs. "Yeah, I guess you could say that I am. The 5 of them are like your family and best friends so I feel like they deserve to know why you were gone for so long without constant contact."
I feel his hand on my thigh, squeezing gently to reassure himself more than me. I smile at the gesture and I hear a song I haven't heard in a long time, Paramore's 'Pressure'. I reach for the radio and he turns it up, being much more attentive since quitting. "Kinda sums up your addictions," I comment when the song ends.
"Mmm, yeah."
Next song I hear is 'That's What You Get' and laugh. "I found my 'Riot!' album." He changes the disc in the CD player, 'Never Let This Go' playing and I take a deep breath. All my emotions are a whirlwind and this song voices them perfectly, I dart my hand out to change it.
He grabs my hand, knowing damn well I only do this when a song matches me emotionally or mentally and holds onto it, his fingers tangling between mine. He listens to every last word, not paying attention to anything else and he rubs the back of my hand with his thumb. "Was I that different?" His voice is shaky, unsure of whether he wants the truth to be spoken and I hear him swallow his nerves.
"You were like Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll, Hyde was you high and Jekyll when you're not. For the past few months you've been Jekyll, I've got to accept the man I fell for all those years ago is making his comeback and I wouldn't want you to be anything but the Nick I knew back then. I've missed you and love you, please don't go back to the bastard the monster had created. Keep it away from me."
He's silent, mulling it over in his mind and trying to understand me better. "Do we have videos?"
"Yes, I gave them to James and told him not to watch them."
"Has he?"
"No, he hasn't." I smile.
"How would you know?"
"He would have called with hundreds of questions."

We discussed various things that we deal with on a regular basis, laughing at most of it. We just pulled up to James' and I put in the code, driving up to his house before we get out of the car. "You made it alive," James taunts us, smirking as he leans over his front porch railing in his pajamas.
"Shut up, traffic was horrid."
He walks down the steps onto his grassy lawn, he always had a nice yard. He greets us the same as always. "I have the box in the living room."
"Thanks," I nod and we head in. I notice Nick hasn't said anything since getting here. "What's up?"
"Do we have to watch them with him?"
"Not if you don't want to."
"Well, I don't," he barks and I shoot him an icy glare.
"Don't even start," I harshly whisper.
"Whoa! Not here," James warns us both, his hands in a defensive manner and a stern look etched into his face.
"Sorry, James."
"I didn't mean to disrespect you," Nick says.
"Nick wants to watch them when we're alone."
"Understandable. What's on them?"
"Too much to list," I tease.
His face twists up in a way that expresses his uncertainty of whether he really wants to know. "I'm curious, but I'll pass."
I chortle at this display and grab the box of 25 tapes, holding them in front of me. "You'll understand why when Nick's ready to tell you."
James nods and walks us out of his beautiful home, encouraging us to visit him again. We get to the car and I put the box in the back seat, noticing some photos from a long time ago. I spot a few magazines in the plethora of shit in the open top box and I smirk, shaking my head as I get in. "What?" he asks. Nick has always been quiet around James for some reason and I don't even know why.
"James stuck some extra shit in the box and I just saw it."
"Who now?"
"Timbs."
"Why?"
"Chris is there, too," I inform him, turning to key and the engine softly purrs.
"This one is going to be fun," he groans.
"We can just head to Aaron's or Ange's," I offer.
"No, that's okay." He's quiet for a few minutes. "Can I change the CDs?"
"Sure, it's your car, too."
"You bought it."
"You put it in your name. We go over this every single time."
"Makes things more interesting," he teases me, a smile in his voice.
I look over at him. "Makes you more of a dork."
"I am not a whale's dick," he argues.
"Then you're a nerd."
"Yeah, yours." He kisses my cheek.

How the hell does he always win these? We pull up to Justin's massive abode, stride up to the door and call his cell which I know that he has on him at all times. "Hey, JazzBean," he greets.
"Open your front door, I gotta talk to you, ceann pota."
"I am not a pot head."
"Than you're in the fucking closet, child."
"I'm older than you."
"So? I'm more intelligent."
"Who fucking lied to you?"
"That might be you."
I hear his feet on the other side of the door and the lock click, hanging up on me at the same time. "Hahaha, you so funny," he says in his mock Asian voice, rolling his eyes. "How does a college grad with three degrees date him?" Justin retorts.
"I have a brain that contains more information within it than your pencil tip sized one does," Nick quips and I laugh with Trace who had appeared behind Justin. One thing proves my intelligence-I didn't drop like a dead weight to the floor with laughter, I held myself up with Nick's help.
Both of them smirk at each other before greeting each other. "How have you been?"
"Better, but healing. I'll fill you in inside."
"Old man here?" I ask and Justin points in the direction of the yard. "Figures."
"He's been left alone for more than 30 seconds, be careful."
"I know."

Turns out Trace overheard a phonecall Oshai had with me months ago and told Justin, but Chris had been kept in the dark. I shoved Trace in the pool and Oshai didn't know Trace had even listened in on the call. I walk right into my brother's house. "Oshai!" I listen for his response, but hear nothing. "Tyler?" Again nothing. I text Oshai. 'WTF! Where r u?'
A couple minutes later I get 'studio' from him.
'Basement?'
'Nope, the moon'
I lead Nick into the basement and have just enough time to talk to him before we head over to Joey's. Something is eating at him. "What are you hiding, Oshai?"
"I told Joe."
"Figured as much," I say, nodding my head. 'I know u know.'
Joey responds with 'Don't kill C'.
We hang out for a little bit before heading for Joey's around 3:30.

"So, cold turkey, huh?"
"Yeah, it sucked at first," Nick comments.
"I bet," Joey sympathizes.
I feel Nick stand behind me and wraps his arm around his body, my hands linking with his on my abdomen. "We have had more heart to hearts, it's almost like the old Nick I fell for is back and I love it. More honesty and passion and he's been doing really good at fighting it all." I lean back on him and smile at Joey from my heart.
"More respect, she's like she's your baby again," Joey smiles at us.
"Yeah." Nick kisses the side of my neck. "I'm glad to make her happy again."
His eyes travel to my belly, a single question passing through his mind at my little bit of fluff. "You've gotten soft in the middle there," he points out for Nick and I.
I look at my stomach and scowl. "Yeah, I gained five pounds since we took off and no matter what I do, it won't go away."
"How long has it been there?"
"A month, something like that."
"You should talk to Kelly."
I scoff at that idea. "It's the stress of touring, it'll go away during this break."
He raises his eyebrows at me, backing down all the same. Kelly comes in, trying to calm Briahna down and the little girl comes running into the kitchen. "Auntie Bean!" she squeals at the sight of me.
I smirk at this and sit up as she climbs the stool beside me to get into my lap, Nick sitting on the other side of me to allow me time with one of the most important people in life. "Bri, why didn't you listen to your mom? She said to calm down and not to run in the house."
"You're always gone," she quietly confesses, bowing her head in shame.
I see Nick grinning like a fool at the sight from my peripheral vision, my finger lifting Bri's eyes to meet my own and Joey watches so intently. "I'm always gone because I need to make sure that Nick is okay because he's been sick for a long time."
"What's wrong with him?"
"He used to be grumpy, really tired all the time and we found out that he's had a weak heart for sometime now. We had to disappear so he could relax during his last tour break and we had to change some of his junk food for healthy food and now we workout together," I explain, generalizing the whole thing.
"What does exercise and changing what he eats do to a weak heart?" she wonders, wanting to learn. If there's one thing I love about this child is that the switch for learning is always on and I haven't figured out if it's good or bad.
"You know how you walk more, your legs gets stronger?" She nods her head quickly, paying close attention. "Your heart is a muscle and if you treat it right, it's really strong. Exercise makes it squeeze and let go," I simplify it, demonstrating it with my hand, "and healthy food is kind of like gas to a car, you need food to work like a car needs gas to go anywhere."
"Oh! Okay. Stronger hearts are better than weak ones acuz they can deal with more 'tivity and you don't get so sleepy?" she reiterates, checking her hypothesis of my explaination.
"Yep, that's just it." I smile at the blonde curly haired and milk chocolate drop eyed child, Joey's personality mixed together with Kelly's perfectly and see a little Kelly in front of me. "Could you get your homework done and then mommy can come find us when you're all set with it?" I ask.
"Okay," she mumbles and I can tell she's Joey's, he hated homework as a child (I asked his parents, brother and sister years and years ago). I help her get down without an injury, watching her walk off to do as she's asked of.

Kelly comes into the kitchen and glances at me, wondering why we showed up early. She wants to know why I wanted to come talk to her and Joey. "Kel," I say to gain her attention.
"Beannie," she replies. The nickname? Oh, she gave it to me on the PopOdyssey Tour because she was exhausted from Briahna being the ball of energy she still is today and couldn't think of my name, only recalling Justin calling me Bean and Oshai calling me Oshannie. She took the two nicknames and blended them to come up with 'Beannie'. Only she can call me that, nobody else and that includes Joey. Briahna has always called me Auntie Bean since she could say it, first calling me just Bean and then she changed it when she could pronounce 'auntie'.
"Can I speak with you for a moment?"
"Alone?" she wonders, an eyebrow forming a perfect arch over her curious eyes.
"Yes," I confirm.
"Watch Bri," she tells Joey, patting his shoulder with a hand before signaling for me to follow her into the backyard. "What's going on?" she asks me, sitting at the table back here.
"Nick is dealing with withdrawls from alcohol and cocaine, but he's doing really well with it. Last time he had any alcohol, cocaine or marijuana was 3 months ago and I think quitting it all cold turkey is hard, but he's fought the urge to do any of it."
"Okay, you told her something about a weak heart," she recalls, pointing toward the house to indicate her young daughter.
"Nick found out he has a cardiomyopathy and if he didn't quit, he could die. He has changed his habits-he exercises and eats healthily now, gets enough sleep."
She leans on the table and absorbs all of this information. "The bruises?"
She saw the bruises? When? I have to play dumb. "What bruises?"
"You think they went unnoticed? You thought nobody saw them."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"The ones on your back when you came by the summer before, the reason why you wore a dark colored shirt in the pool."
"That wasn't him, it was the monster."
"This is confidential, just between us."
"He used to get high, then almost anything would trigger his shorter than ever temper and I usually tried to keep it from happening, but mor often than not, I got the blows."
"Has he done it since getting clean?"
"No, since he's been clean, he's been the Nick I first fell for and got with back in the day. He's so sweet to me."
"If he ever lays a hand on you again, you call me. Do you understand? I don't care if it was just a small bit of drugs, you pick up your phone and tell me to come get you or you get the hell out of there."
She's beyond serious, scared for me. She looks me in the eye, a look that dares me to challenge her demand. "Promise."
"I noticed you're getting a bit, uhm, soft there," she comments, glancing over the table to my fluffy belly.
I lean back in the chair and drop my head into my hand, annoyed that she'd say that (she's the 15th person to say that). "It'll go away during the break, it's cuz of stress."
"I'll drop it if you take a test and it comes out negative."
"Fine, let's go do it," I groan, rising from my chair.

"You look at it," I tell her, sitting on the edge of the tub and scared, but hoping that it's negative.
She picks it up with her back to me. "JOEY!!!" she screams at the top of her lungs.
He bursts through the door and she shoves the test into his hands, shock coming across his face at the result. "Did you take it?"
"No, Beannie did."
His eyes go from the test to Kel to me and back again a few times. "You need to talk to Nick about this."
I swallow down my fear and finally stand up, snatching the test from Joey to look at it. Once I verify what it says, I drop to the floor with my legs in a W position and cry. "Nick! Get in here!"
He runs in and slides across part of the floor, his arms holding me. "What's wrong?" he asks, pressing his lips to my cheek.
"Look at that test," Joey tells him.
"I'm sorry," I say, sobs wracking my body and tears fall onto his shirt.
A few moments of silence pass before he speaks. "What does it mean?"
"It means she's pregnant," Kel informs him.
He makes me look at him and he smiles when our eyes meet, caressing my face in his hands. His lips crash into mine and he holds me close. "I know I'm not really ready, but if we're pregnant, what more can we do besides embrace it?"
What he says not only shocks me, but confuses me. "You-you're not mad?"
He laughs, his eyes shining with tears. "No way! Maybe we need to embrace it and see where it leads us in life. It could be why I had to get clean and why you came back to me, staying at my side through thick and thin for the past 3 years." He kisses my cheeks, a tear on each.
I thought he'd be pissed, want me to get rid of it or break things off. "So, you think?"
"We can raise the baby, stay together and do like Joey and Kelly did about Bri," Nick excitedly rambles.
"But what if you fall off the wagon?"
"We can look into somethings and see what we can do."

"No, we should have a small family get together in Orlando or Tampa around October 15. It's just for family, not even Brent is being involved and he's my boy."
I watch him talk on the phone with his sister as we sit on the grass in the backyard of his Nashville home, me leaning back on my hands and he's on his knees between my legs. He has basketball shorts on and I'm wearing a bikini and some shorts, both of us smirking at the other. He's on the phone with Leslie, his third youngest sister and is trying to get her to help him wrangle their parents and siblings together for just a weekend at either his Tampa home or my Orlando one. It's been a week since we've found out and he's been amazing about it, but also crazy cautious. "I love you," I whisper, kissing him.
He smiles at me after. "Les, please help me do this," he begs his sister. "Thank you! I will talk to you this weekend. I love you. Hahaha. Jazz is the only exception because it has to do with her and I. Yeah. No! Okay, bye." He places his cordless phone into the grass, leaning over me and I lay back to be a tease. "You really wanna start this here?" he asks, realizing what kind of smirk is plastered on my face and I reach up to pull him down to lay on top of me.
I nod, the smirk growing slowly. "Why not? It's a wood fence that has minimal viewing spaces."
"Aaron lives here, too."
I wave a dismissing hand at the house, knowing Aaron's in the house talking to Kioshia (a friend of mine through Oshai, she's Kace's cousin via marriage) and I'm pretty sure he wants her to visit. Have we said a word to anyone that wasn't in Joey's bathroom? Nope, we just said that we need to get his parents and siblings together for a family dinner October 15 in Orlando and Tampa. Kioshia? Oh, you wanna know how to say her name? It's said Kee-oh-shuh and her birthday is September 9, 1989 (yeah, 9/9/89, I know), but she and Aaron have had this connection cuz they just clicked instantly. He's spent the past five years trying to get at her when he can, other than when he had been with the 5 girls he's been with recently and he's been telling her everything he thinks about her (all of it sweet). I hear the sliding screen doors. "Bro, put that away," he cracks at Nick's expense and I crack up, ending the passionate smooch when I start laughing hysterically.
"How do you do that every fucking time?" Nick chuckles, his face between my tits.
"I can't hear you too good with your face in her tits." I laugh even harder.
He lifts his head to look at Aaron as I glance at him, trying to stop my laughter. He sighs, frustrated. "Get to the point," he growls, barely moving his hips when I feel his erection press against the top of my thigh when he grinds on me subtly as he says the last word.
"Kioshia is flying out this weekend to see me and I need you to keep him busy," he informs us, directing it at me.
I look at him like he's lost his damn mind. "Excuse me? Do I look like your charge? Your hooker? Your street bitch? Your ho?" I rattle off.
"No, you look like my brother's girlfriend and lover. I need to convince Kio to get with me and I don't want him interfering with any of it." I look between the two of them for a few moments. "You also look as menacing as Slutbag Hilton's teacup chihuahua under Nick like that, so I'm gonna say what's on my mind."
I look at him curiously. "Which is...?"
"Just fucking screw in your room and get it over with."
Nick and I look at each other and smile, he's going to tell his brother. "At least we don't have to worry about running out of condoms, Skuxx," Nick quips after helping me to my feet, passing him as it's spoken and claps his hand to Aaron's shoulder.
He figures it out as we get to the top of the stairs, his feet slapping the floor rapidly as he runs after us. "She's pregnant? How far? When? Is it even yours?" he shouts after us.
Nick walks over to the balcony in the upstairs hall and places his hands on it, slightly leaning on it. "Yes, four months along. Torino. Of course it's mine."
"When is she due?"
"February 5."
"That's..." he begins, counting down the handful of months, "less than 5 months from now!"
"We're aware of that," he replies, following me into the bedroom. I never said he was always smart like that, just sometimes.

I wake up to Nick lightly tracing his fingers on my upper arm, probably thinking about something. "What's swimming around in your mind?" I ask groggily.
"Do you want to know if the baby is a boy or a girl?"
"If you want to know, you can. I don't want to know."
"Do you want an intimate baby shower or one with everyone we know there?"
"Family and close friends like Brent and the Boys and the guys, our inner most circle only."
He nods, smiling evilly. "Sounds good to me."
I straddle his waist, my hands on his chest and firing back a dirty grin in response. "Wanna know what sound good to me right now at this very moment?"
"What would that be?" he asks, gripping my hips and grinding his bare shaft against me.
"Fucking until one of us is sore and hoarse, your name being moaned by me," I tell him, bending down for a quick kiss.
"Sounds perfect to me." His eyes graze over my naked form as I sit back up again, my body starting to tingle from the thought of it happening.

October 15, 2008
Tampa, Oshannie asked mom, dad, Heather, Tyler and I to come. She said she had wanted us to come to have dinner with Nick and his immediate family, make sure the hatchet is really buried and to tell us something important. We pull up to the quaint little restaurant and park, dad looking at the three of us in the backseat of the Durango we're renting for the next 5 days. "Be nice, these might be our in-laws some day," he enforces, silently telling us that he'd whoop our asses even if we are adults.
We nod in acknowledgement, going inside the restaurant after and Nick's family is there. Where are Nick and Oshannie? Leslie, Angel, Aaron, Jane, Bob, Lisa, Taelyn, Kamden, BJ and Ginger are here. I sit between Ginger and Aaron. "Where are they?" I ask Aaron.
"She can't decide on an outfit, but I know Nick will help her out and they should be here soon."
I spot Tyler between a huffy Leslie and an annoyed Jane, Heather between Taelyn and Angel who are gabbing up a storm, mom and dad are between Lisa and Jane. "Sorry about that, she got nervous and couldn't choose what to wear."
I look at Nick and he smiles, pushing her seat in. I'm surprised, this side of him hasn't been around for so long that it's foreign to me. I look around the table, most of his family is shocked as well and Tyler's smile matches dad's. They have seen her lately and I want to know the news. "We should order and catch up first," Oshannie suggests.
Nick weaves their fingers together, silently asks for a kiss and she happily obliges. We do as she wanted, happy chatter taking over the table and I hear her giggle. I turn to Aaron. "Why are we here?"
"She missed us and Nick's been giving her whatever she wants since a week or two before I moved into their place in Nashville," he tells me, a sly grin on his lips and he shrugs.
Our food comes and we say grace, something that she rarely does. "We have a big announcement for you," she informs us.
I hope they're engaged. "We're expecting," Nick announces.
Every head at the table whip in their direction except for Aaron, his head moved so slowly and I think he's known. "What?" dad asks.
"My baby's having a baby," mom mutters, trying to get it through to herself.
"How much longer until we meet the baby?" Angel asks, supportive little sister.
"I'm due February 5, so about 3 1/2-4 months from now." She's glowing, but I know she's happy and she just wants to be able to do everything she's dreamed of forever.
"Congratulations, Oshannie." She's two seats away from me and I reach over to her hand, covering it with mine. I force a smile and she fires a warning glance at me, not afraid to deck me if she feels it needs to be done.
"Thanks, Oshai."

Halfway through dinner and happy chatter, she jumps a little. She smiles and grabs Nick's hand, placing it on her small belly. She carries small, I bet it's a girl. I still can't believe she's expecting and kept it from me for so long. "How long have you known?"
"I got told a little over a month ago," Aaron tells me.
"Dad? Tyler? When did you find out?"
Dad looks at me. "She had Nick fly us from Chicago to Atlantic City to tell us backstage while his group was on stage."
"Then why act the way you did?"
"Still hasn't sunk in, I guess I don't believe it quite yet."
"Papa," Oshannie calls out, motioning for us to come to her and we walk over. She snatches my hand by the wrist and places it on her stomach, nothing happening for a moment. Just as I think of taking my hand back, I feel a small object press against my hand and it hits me. She really is pregnant. She's due in less than 4 months, there's a living and growing baby in there. "Feel that?" she asks, excitement lighting up her eyes and she has a smile plastered on her face.
"Y-yeah," I answer shakily.
"That's the baby."
Whatever part of the baby is against my palm hasn't moved since it rested there. "Wow." I kneel beside her and kiss the side of her little bump, a smile stretching across my features. "Hi, little one. I'm your Uncle Josh, I love you and I'll be there when you need me. Take your time and come out when you're ready."

I lay in my bed at my Winter Place home, still amazed she's pregnant and that Nick is embracing the situation. Damn, I'm going to have a niece or nephew in a few short months and Nick's to thank. I've got on Adidas shorts and my arms are under my head, my legs crossed at the ankles as I lay on top of my blankets. I text Nick before I look at the clock, seeing it's nearly 3am and silently curse myself. I smile when I get one back containing the answer I wanted. 'We're having a boy, but don't tell her bc she doesn't want 2 know the sex' is what he told me. She wants to be surprised and he has been doing just about everything she asks of him.
'What r u doing up?' I fire back.
'She had a craving for mint choc chip ice cream with all the toppings except nuts n I'm on the way home w it'
I chortle to myself. 'U r now her bitch XD'
'Better her than u XP'
'Right, bet I get more than u'
'La dee la da da da da doo doo doo'
'Bullshit' I send in response, squinting at my cell as if to call his bluff.
'I don't think u want 2 hear abt her sex life or mine ;)'
'no u r right. U fuck ^ and I hear it, we will have soemthing to settle'
'I know, no more mistakes bc they won't be tolerated'
'Damn right they won't'
'C I know, she reminds me on a reg basis that she's proud of the way I live now'
'u mean now that u r clean'
'Yeah that and bc i fight all the urges, she's been supportive 2'
I shake my head and ignore it, they both sing each other's praises. I think they do it far too much and that this is all superficial. Fuck it, I give up.

We're sitting in the green room backstage in Hollywood and it's currently November 23, Howie is watching my belly move while I lean back on the couch behind Nick. He's currently playing Mario Kart:Double Dash on the Gamecube against AJ and Brian. We're laughing and the baby is kicking me so hard that Howie's having the hardest time too look away from it, all because this was entirely unplanned. My eyes are focused on the screen, watching the 3 characters driving in their carts as they battle it out for 1st place and I can feel his eyes on me. "Howie, you're staring again," Nick comments from his spot in front of me and he reaches a hand up to rub my belly the moment he crosses the finish line. He looks back at me and smiles, leaning his head back by my hip.
"I just always thought the rest of us would have kids before you."
"Brian had Baylee, Kristin is just beginning to glow and you married Leigh last December," I reason.
"Still, Nick's having a baby with you out of wedlock and you're both in your late 20s."
"You're in your 30s."
"I don't get it, he's 28 and you're 25 and when he beats his demons is when you get pregnant." He's pacing by the end of the couch, agitated at the whole matter.
Nick sighs, rolling his eyes at his friend's ranting. "Howie, I'm scared as fuck if it makes you feel any better."
"When is she due again?"
"In 2 1/2 months."
"She doesn't even look 6 1/2 months yet."
"There's a basketball attached to her," he announces enthusiastically.
"Seriously?" Brian chirps, looking at AJ.
"Whoa! No freaking way!" He taps Nick's arm rapidly. "Legit?" he asks, Nick looking at him.
"Yeah," he confirms, giving a quick nod.
I think I know what they had said, but I don't care right now.

A couple more rounds of the game are played before their publicist comes in and slams an armful of magazines onto the floor by Nick's feet, making me jump. "What's this about, Jen?" AJ inquires her, picking one up and flipping through it.
The other three guys are looking over his shoulder and Brian sees something that catches his eye. "Other than Nick and Jazzy being spotted showing some serious PDA, not too much," Kevin says casually, sitting on the arm of the couch by my head.
"Listen to this," AJ says, "it's in Star. 'Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys has recently been seen canoodling with a very pregnant woman that has been rumored to have been dating more than once, this time it's been for the past 3 years. She looks pregnant and due in a couple months, more than likely with his child. Carter, 28, has said recently that he is not involved with anyone and is in no way expecting with anyone. He claims that this is a very close friend of the Carter Clan, that she's been there since very early on and she has been spotted with him as far back as March of 1997. They had been romantically linked via rumors previously, but what about this time around?' Man, they called your guys' bluff."
"This one is The Enquirer," Brian informs us, "it says, 'According to our inside source she is due early February, Carter knows the sex of the child and his girlfriend of three years wants to keep it a secret. Carter may even be looking into a home away from all the craziness of LA, maybe one in a country type setting or in Tampa. His camp has said nothing concerning his girlfriend or her pregnancy.' Talk about bashing you."
"This one has your name and your exact due date, but who would leak this information?" Howie questions, glancing at us.
Nick looks at me. "How do you want to handle this?"
"How much information, D?" I ask.
"Um, 'Sources close to the Carter and Chasez clans report that Jazzy Chasez, the secretly adopted youngest daughter of JC Chasez's family, and Nick Carter are expecting a child to join them and her projected due date is February 5, 2009. She and the baby are supposed to join BSB on the final leg of the Unbreakable tour February 21, pending physician's approval. JC has said this about her pregnancy, "I have no right to speak about this matter, it's personal. It's up to Nick and her to decide." Carter has told the media that she is a close friend of his family and she has been turning to him for moral support, encouraging her that he plans on being there for the mother and child because of the friendship and history he shares with her. It's also rumored that he's dating her and that he knows the gender of the child, but is it his?' Someone too close to us told the media about this," he reads aloud after scanning it.
Nick pulls out his cell and calls someone. "What did you say to who for how much? Kip, look, that isn't even kosher cuz we wanted to have privacy with the whole thing. Then who would?" He looks at me and I shrug. "I'm gonna kick his ass when I go to Tampa next time. No. Tampa or up by my dad. All she has is her adoptive family other than her best friend's family and I think it's probably going to be Tampa so her family can visit in the first week or two. February 21. Thanks, man. Dueces." He shakes his head and shoves his cell back into his pocket.
"Who's ass are you kicking in Tampa?" I ask.
"Brent's cousin, Terrance."
I sigh and become irritated, grabbing my phone off the floor. I highlight and call the fucker's number. "Hey, Jazzy."
"Fuck you, you're no longer privvy to anything pertaining to Nick, the baby nor I. Rot in hell, you bastard."
"What?"
"You told the press!" I scream into the phone, hearing dead air after. I fire off a text warning the fucker of what will happen the next time I see him.

Once I'm calm again, Kevin smiles at me. "Can I touch your belly?"
"Of course." I grab his hand and put it over the moving lump, watching a grin appear on his face as it lights up.
"Active little one, huh?"
"Try sleeping with her curled to your side and the baby moving like crazy at 1am and then the 2am cravings, but it's all good cuz it means that they're both doing good," Nick admits.
"True."
"Kevvy?"
"Jazzy?"
"Kristin's glowing."
"I don't think she is."
"I know she is."
"We've been trying."
"Stop trying, she is."
He rolls his eyes. I tap Nick's shoulder and he helps me up, holding me for a moment before pressing a sweet kiss to my lips. "Thanks, Jazzabee."
"You're welcome, Tristan." We laugh, jumping when the baby kicks and it connects with his stomach. "I have to pee."
"Bladder soccer," he says. I widen my eyes and head for the bathroom, laughing to myself.

We've been in Florida since November 25 and I love it here, but Aaron is starting to piss me off. "You need anything, Jazz?"
"Aaron, I'm pregnant, not crippled."
"Nick said to make sure you're alright."
I sigh. "Where is he?"
"He went out last night and hasn't been back since."
I groan, rolling my eyes and sit up on the couch. "I hope I'm wrong."

Unfortunately, I was right about why he hadn't come home last night. It's mid-December and he slipped up, I can tell by the way he looks. "I'm sorry," he tells me for the 5th time, holding me tight.
"It's going to happen," I assure him. "Let's get you in the shower."
"Are you mad?"
"Disappointed? Yes. Expected a slip up? Of course. Mad? No."
I guide him up to our room, a master bath attached to it and we strip down to shower. He sets up the shower and washes up, pulling me close after. "Thank you, Jazz." He kisses my mouth and the baby kicks, his hand rubbing my belly to soothe us. "I can't wait to see you. I'm not perfect, but I'm going to try to be as good of a dad as mine tried to be. This should be interesting either way, kiddo."
I smile at him and he holds me close, sure he's excited over our soon to come roles as parents.

"Merry Christmas!" our families shout together when we enter the dark house and turn on the light.
I jump and giggle, Nick laughing with me. "Thanks," I say, my hand over my heart.
"Getting close there, huh?" Oshai teases.
"Six more weeks, I'm so excited!"
"For it to end or to hold the little one?"
"Both, I wonder what this tiny person will look like."
"Like me of course," Tyler jokes.
I see Nick reach for the wrist by me and I grab it, rubbing it before he can scratch it until it bleeds. Oshai notices this and I nod when his eyes question me, confirming his suspicion. He shakes his head and shrugs.

We mingle among the crowd and Nick is protective of my bump, but when I winced in pain a couple hours ago is when he got scared. The cramps intensify and I hold onto the kitchen counter in Oshai's Winter Place estate, Nick rubbing my back soothingly. "Are you alright?" he asks with concern dripping from it.
"These cramps are just getting worse, find mama now," I say through gritted teeth, my knuckles blanching. Aaron walks up to me and smiles, worry taking over his expression in moments.
He quickly rounds the counter and rubs my back, trying to ease the pain. "What's wrong, honey? Nick said it's important."
"Contractions, hard and less than 10 minutes apart."

What a scare! They stopped her premature labor and she's under observation for the next 72 hours, a preventive measure in case it starts again. They don't want her to risk delivering 2 months early and they told her to kick back, Nick refusing to leave her side. I drove them to the hospital here in Orlando, closest to my house. It's been 3 hours since they got them to stop and I also haven't left her side. "Nick," I call out to him.
He looks up from her peacefully sleeping form, his hand holding hers and still looks scared out of his mind. "Yeah?"
"Are you scared?"
"Out of my mind, JC. I don't know how I'm going to do this, be a dad and a celebrity and stay clean."
"I don't know, either. But you have a strong woman and soon to be mom to your child who doesn't waver when you fall, she's always there to help you get back on mark."
He looks at her, smiling and I see the love on his face. He is head over heels when it comes to her, always has been and I see that now. Creativity sparks in me and I grab the notebook from her hospital bag, writing down a song that had come to mind. I can't believe she's about to become a mother to a defenseless child in under 3 months, I still have yet to get it through my thick skull. "I know, even when we weren't getting along. We texted, e-mailed and wrote back and forth constantly. She would tell me that I should clean up my act and that she's always going to be there for moral support." He takes a deep breath, his eyes still fixated on her. "Did she tell you what happened that week she took off five years ago?" I shake my head, our blue eyes meeting. "We slept together and it hasn't stopped, a relationship didn't stop us."
"You cheated on every girlfriend you had between 03 and when you guys got back together?" I harshly say.
He has an 'oops' look on his face, wincing and looks at me. "I'm still in a relationship and I love Sam and all, but Lauren doesn't know about her. Sam knows about Lauren, they've even hung out. But, Lauren is a glorified booty call that's hidden from the media while Sam is all the press is focused on. Sam is real, but Lauren isn't and it was Sam's idea to do this," he explains.
"Why? So you can cheat on her? So she knows who you're sleeping with?"
"It's either that or I do what I had before." Okay, he has a valid point there and although I don't like it, he's being more open with her. He's a player, but can't to break her heart. "She caught me earlier this year and she came up with it on her own, but it was a precautionary thing. I don't know what to do know that this has happened." He rubs her belly.
"The media is having a field day with my baby sister's pregnancy and you're worried about how to cover your relationship with her? What the fuck is wrong with you?" I stand up and go to leave.
"You have to admit that it took balls for me to tell you to your face, regardless of whether you agree with us or not. She made it crystal clear that she wanted our relationship to be covert. She chose this, not me."
"So you cover it up with a string of women?!"
"She said to cover it up, even if meant lying to the press and my fans."
"She has her own fans to keep in mind, Nick," I growl at him, ready to use my balled up fists to knock his skull in and make sure he doesn't get up.
"She knows and that's why she has a fan page and a personal one for each site she uses-Twitter, Myspace and Facebook."
I sigh, knowing why. If anyone knew about Karilyna and Katiana, I'd be in deep. Yes, I've been married since 2005 and have a 15 month old daughter. I'm sorry if nobody has informed you yet, but it's been under wraps this long and you have to keep this information to yourself because I'm trusting you as fans. I'm aware that Oshannie will most likely post this somewhere on the internet or she can have one of her friends do it under an alias, but I know fans of ours will read these memoirs as they are posted. We're all locked into secrecy contracts concerning our love lives and it's good for another 9 months for me. I haven't really been in the public eye like I had been with the group in years, since my first solo release in 04 and it's nice to be able to go about life like I'm kind of normal. "How much has the press uncovered?"
"That she's related to you, linked to me, linked to Justin, dated Lance and have been around us for so long."
"That she's pregnant and that it's your child."
"Speculating it's my child and that we're together."
"They will find out, they always do."
I shake my head slowly, releasing a very annoyed breath and flop back into the seat I had vacated minutes ago. "Both of our publicists are claiming that she's a close friend and that I'm just moral support."
"The media isn't dumb."
"I know." He kisses her knuckles and smooths her hair, rolling his eyes when his cell rings. "Hello? Hey, Brent. No, I'm at Tampa Gen until she's let go. No, premature labor scare. I'm not going out, B-dawg. She needs me here," he argues with his friend, pointing to the ground under his feet. "Nah, I'd rather be here for her. You can if you want. Later, man." He disconnects it, dropping the device on the bed and his head into his hands. He finally let go of her hand.

~~Early the next morning~~~
Someone knocking at her hospital room door wakes me from a dead sleep. "Hello?" a male voice softly greets, entering via tiptoe and puts a teddy bear on the table at her bedside.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"Oh, crap!" he calmly curses, jumping 15 feet in the air. "I'm Brent, Nick's friend since he moved here forever ago. You must be 'Oshai'."
He offers his hand to me and I smile inside, firmly shaking his hand. "Yeah, that's me."
I look over to see Oshannie's body pressed to Nick's her face hidden by his chest, his arms around her protectively and both of them sound asleep on her bed. He mutters in his sleep, she nuzzles her face against him and they sigh simultaneously before falling into a deper sleep. I wish I could control her emotional attachment to one person who's completely corrupted her and leaving it to her otherwise. She still loves Nick as if she had never broken up with him in the first place, although she's grown wise to his shenanigans and can prevent them most of the time. I just want her to not cave as bad as if she were truly with him. I can't stand that sort of thing, being emotional and showing it. Why did she decide on this situation?

Sitting in the hospital cafe with Brent, I look up from my plate of nasty hospital grade eggs and toast at him. "Do you know why she is allowing Nick to do this to her? To cheat?"
He sighs, looking very anxious. "Well, it's either he takes the compromise or she walks away for good, but you also have to remember it's like keeping the public out of your marriage and your child's life."
That's very much true, my personal life is totally different from my public image and that's okay by me. "But why do it the way they are?"
"It's their business and are under contract that he can't reveal that he has a child or that she is carrying his kid, considering that she's under a confidentiality contract concerning her relationship with him and 'any fruits it may bear'. It's how they explained it to me," he informs me shrugging about it.
"What about the fans that have already figured it out?"
"Good for them, neither of them will confirm nor deny any of the reports about the child being his. They confirmed her pregnancy, not their relationship or who the dad is. The contract is with Jive's legal team and it's to protect Nick and his career. Shit, she even has a publicist for this."
"What? Why?"
I'm confused as all hell. "Well, his manager is the one that pitched it and Jazz bit into it and it's sort of just fallen into place."
Kate (Katiana) walks through the cafe doors with Karilyna in her arms, her jet black hair pin straight and she walks over to the table. "Is she okay, Joshua?"
"She is now, Kate. They gave her some meds and stopped the contractions, but there's so much more I don't understand about the situation."
"That's good. What do you mean more to it that you don't understand?"
Lyna is asleep and I turn to thank Brent for talking to me, walking away with Kate. "She and Nick signed a contract stating that the public is not to have the relationship between them and anything that may come from it confirmed by either of their publicists through Jive. According to the public they're not together and the baby isn't his, but in his personal life what they do is the truth."
"Like us?" her chestnut colored eyes looking into my blues.
I nod, pulling her close to me. "But we're married and it only has to be for 9 more months, theirs is valid for 5 years after he's stopped recording and being in the public eye."
"There's always a catch 22," she reminds me, smirking. I love this tiny Japanese woman for a reason or ten, one being her brain. I kiss her lips and our little girl's slightly curly hair, turning to run to Oshannie's room.

I'm due in just over a week now and Oshai finally has all the details concerning the whole thing with JIve and whatnot, but I'm more worried about this 8 1/2 pound defenseless being inside of me than I am about a contract I had signed nearly 4 years ago. I know after another year I can release a tell all book or memoir about this and there will be no legal ramifications. The day it becomes null and void, it won't be hidden anymore. The world would know the absolute truth concerning this, everything from our relationship to the baby will be told about and I will make it all informed with all the necessary information in it. It's January 23, Nick's birthday is 5 days away and my due date is 12 days away. I hope this baby can wait just long enough to let his birthday come and go.

Today is his birthday and although I don't feel too great, I'm still out and about to finalize his surprise party at AJ's house. Ooooh, these contractions feel like they're going to rip me apart and I still have 8 days before my D day. I stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath to calm myself. "It's not time yet, little one," I whisper to my belly, holding it after the contraction ends. I speed walk to the Hummer and put the bags in the back, starting the engine before speeding away.
I notice some paps following me, but I decide to play it cool. I call Leighanne, afraid of not having a witness and even if it's just via audio. "Hey, Jazz."
"Leighanne, paps are trailing me and I'm on the way to AJ's to set up for Nick's-OW!-party."
"Sounds like contractions, too."
"Yeah, is it normal?"
"Are they come and go or getting worse over time?"
"Worse over time."
"Does anything help?"
"Nope and I've tried all the tricks you told me about."
"It might be the day."
"I'm not due for another week!" I shriek.
"It's okay, you can safely deliver the baby two weeks before or after and it's okay," she reassures me.
"Come to our house and I'll send Brian to get Nick, I'll stay with you."
"What about Bay?"
I begin breathing like she had told me to do through the Braxton-Hicks. "Brian will take him with him."
"His Kawasaki's?" I try to argue.
"Brian knows how to handle that, just get here. Where are you?"
"Ten minutes away."
"Stay on the phone, do not hang up for any reason."

I got there and she let me through the gate, immediately escorting me inside once she sees my tear stained face. "It hurts so bad, Leighanne," I whine when she lies me on my left side.
"I know, sweetie." She tells me, putting a cold cloth on my head. "Brian!"
I see his frazzled look and he looks at me. "It's said and done, hmm?"
"I think so."
"Baylee, let's go get Uncle Nick so he doesn't miss this," he says, grabbing what he's going to need for the 4 hour trip to Tampa and back while his heart breaker son gets his sneakers on.
"Okay, daddy, I'm ready."
Baylee is adorable, I don't care what you think. They leave and she has me walk around the downstairs, keeping pace beside me. I lean on the wall, facing it with my arms between my forehead and the surface when I hear the door open. I feel his hands on my hips, moving them side to side and he wraps his body around mine. He calls one person. "Yeah, my girlfriend is in labor and I don't know what to do." He's silent for a minute before hanging up. "I'm here."
"I've tried everything and nothing is working. The contractions are about 6 minutes apart."
"Sounds like we should get them to the hospital, honey," Brian comments.

Nick helps me into their car and soothes me the entire way to the hospital, calling Oshai to inform him of what's going on. We're quickly escorted to a private LDR suite and I'm being poked and prodded at by nurses and doctors, quickly pissing me off. "STOP TOUCHING ME!" I scream.
Nick grabs my hand and I bat at him, angry that I can't think for a second. "Baby, it's me."
I calm myself down and look at him. "It really hurts."
"I know, but you can't blame me for wanting to be right beside you and I did promise I would be."

A couple hours later, I'm sitting on the bed with him beside me and we look at our son in his arms. "He looks like you."
"He has your turquoise eyes," he comments, smiling.
"He has your face."
"He has your grin."
"He sleeps like you."
"Can we have another?"
"What? No, forget it."
"Why not?"
"One, I'm out of commission for a month and a half and two, after all that pain-you're nuts." He chuckles, hugging me to his side and placing a soft kiss to my temple.