Okay, it's only been less than a week and a half, but I'm about to punch Josh dead in his face and it's cuz he's been looking at me with love sick eyes. Justin? He's focused on everything but me when they have interviews and shit, his mind is on what he has to do. Joey is worried about Kelly, Chris has Dani and Lance is the same country boy with one of the biggest hearts anyone could ever want in a friend. Lance has already turned out to be my best confidant in this group of guys like Brian is in Nick's circle of friends, always willing to hear me out over anything that could be bothering me and usually gives me feedback.

I flop down on the couch near the front of the bus and sigh, prompting his eyes to dart to mine for a moment before returning to throwing Goldfish at Joey in hopes of one landing in his mouth. "What's eating you, CJ?" he asks me, using my given nickname from him. He uses my first and middle initials, Cassandrya Jaylyn.

He's worried and I explain my situation concerning Josh with a few words, "Love sick puppy glances and stares from him."

He sighs, excuses himself from the table to talk to me and Joey nods. "You know why and we all know that no matter he gets with, you're at the front of his mind and his heart breaks every time he realizes he isn't yours and that you're not his," Lance effortlessly reminds me, sliding his arm around my shoulders to pull me closer as he comfortingly reminds me. "You said yourself that you love Nick and he's one of your main focal points in your personal life right now, trying your best to keep all friendships with everyone else intact along with dealing with us. You have so much on your plate and it's slowly getting to you, wearing you down to the point of exhaustion."

He's right, he usually is and it's so weird. Chris sits across from me, his Reeboks give him away-they're black, silver and blue. "Annoyed with JC again?" he inquires in Spanish.

"You noticed?" I snarl, replying in the same language.

"Si, prima."

I scoff and roll my eyes when I hear the sound of Josh's shoes on the carpet, thankful I kept my hair down today. "Hey," he groggily greets us, stretching his half asleep body to reveal his taught abs and my mind begins to wander to places it shouldn't. I mentally scold myself.

"Whoosah," Chris reminds me, Lance rubbing my back at that same moment and Josh sits down.

"Fuck 'whoosah'," I mutter.

Lance pinches my side and I jump, firing a quick glare at him, but he just gives me one right back. I growl at him and he reciprocates, wordlessly fighting like siblings or cousins or lifetime friends would. My phone rings, my eyes reading a name I haven't seen pop up on my screen since early this morning and we're almost to the next stop. I'm annoyed enough so that I'm having trouble recollecting where we should be next, just that I know that we're almost there. I groan as I calculate that there's about 3 more hours before we separate into our hotel rooms and only have 5 before they have to arrive at the arena for their pre-show meet & greets, rehearsals and then the show itself. There are a few interviews beforehand at the hotel, but it's only one or two.

"Richmond," Justin says, having memorized each one of my expressions over the past 5 years helps him.

"November 24, New York tomorrow and the day after before we get the chance to have a short Thanksgiving with our families," I recall from memory, allowing it to spurt from my mouth the moment it comes to mind as I answer my cell.

He chuckles. "What about the date, New York and Thanksgiving, Cass?"

"Haha," I retort, "I was talking about the tour dates and where the hell we are."

"Figures, babe."

"Yeah."

"So you get to which part of New York tomorrow?" he asks calmly.

"Westbury, why?"

"Oh, nothing," he innocently replies. "How is the tour going?"

I cover my face with my hand and tell him everything, using Op-Top. We talk a little about the subject, dropping it after a few minutes. "But," I sigh, "otherwise, it's been good and almost like yours."

"You sound exhausted and in need of a good massage."

"Heh, yeah and a little more," I groan, falling back on the couch.

"I can help with that if I ever find you in the next few days between all the promo and tour stuff."

"You're going to New York to see your family."

He laughs. "It's probable."

"Don't fucking tease me, Nick."
"It'll ruin the surprise."

"Nnnniiiiiiiiicccccckkkkkk," I whine, sounding like such a baby.

"Caaaaaassssssss," he mimicks me.

I cross my free arm over my torso and pout. "Aaaaawwwwww, Pookie's not gettin' her way?" Chris taunts.

I flip him the bird and he feigns shock, pushing his tongue through his lips. "I miss you."

"I miss you. I love you."

"I love you more."

I smirk and watch as Joey and Chris make fun of Nick and I, Lance teasingly saying 'Romeo' at the same time. I shake my head and quietly chortle at this scene, trying to dismiss it as his laughter rings in my ear again. I miss him so fucking much that I can hardly stand to wait to see, feel, touch, taste and be with him again. I sigh and Chris yanks the phone from my loose grip, hurriedly talking in some kind of code with my boyfriend and I repeatedly jab him all over his torso with the Kirkpatrick death finger. "Stop it, Pookie!" he scolds me after a few minutes, turning his attention back to Nick and I continue to jab him. "No."

"Ugh!"

"It's something you'll appreciate, you should sit down and let it happen," Josh tells me, pulling me into his lap.

I rip his hands off me, throw them away from me and he looks at me confused. "Don't, just don't, Josh."

I sit across from him, resting my head on Justin's shoulder and pouting yet again. "What did I do now?" Josh questions.

"Lovesick pup look," I growl.

He quickly gets to his feet and darts for the bunks, disappearing into his. He's mad because he'd been caught by me and I don't think he's going to chance looking at me or talking to me other than when he needs to, but I could care less as Chris hands me the cell. "Thanks," I retort.

"So, I'll call you after their show tonight to help you fall asleep as best as I can as far from each other as we are," he softly tells me.

"Okay."

"Miss and love you, babe."

"Miss and love ya more."

"You hang up."

"You first."

"On three, hang up at the same time."

We count to three together and both reluctantly disconnect the call, mine being placed on the table in front of me. I look at it and release a sigh, Chris copying me from across the table. "Miss your Roooooooomeeeeeeoooooo?" he teases.

I flip him off again and give him a death glare. "Maybe just a teensy bit," I confess, motioning the smallest amount I can between my thumb and forefinger.

Lance and Joey crack up. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Sandy," Joey laughs.

I flick my hand at them and walk to the bunks, clambering into mine across from Josh's. I pull out my journal and song book, writing in it for a few minutes prior to putting it away. I look at the top of my bunk and silently think to myself, wondering what Chris and Nick are planning for me. "CJ, wake up, hon," Lance calls out to me, gently shaking my shoulder.

"Hmm?" I hum through the sleep induced fog.

"We're in Richmond, parked behind the hotel right now."

"Mmm up."

He laughs softly and helps me down from my bunk, assisting me in walking up to our shared room. He sits me on the bed and informs me that he's willing to let me sleep through the interviews, considering that they should take an hour at the very least. The hotel is only 9 blocks away from the arena they're playing in tonight.

I watch as an upset Howie walks away from me, a hurt Nick beside me and Alex with a shit eating grin plastered to his damn face. It doesn't help explain a damn thing with a very confused Josh and an even more confused Justin beside me while Lance taps his foot with crossed arms in my direction. Joey and Chris are heatedly expressing their disdain at my current situation and I have no fucking clue what happened.

I shoot upright in the bed and look around to find nobody around me, hurriedly deciding on finding the guys. I need to talk to Chris and I text him as I search for the hotel plans, quickly finding who's room is whose. He tells me that they are in Joey's room, two doors down from my own and I walk in as they wrap up the first one. Chris knows I need to talk to him and he quickly pulls me aside.

"What happened?" he demands me to tell him and I do, his eyebrow rising as I explain the dream. "Why would you think that? You've been faithful to Nick, right?"

"Why shouldn't I be?"

"It might just be that you feel guilty being with us and not him, your heart telling you to stay true to him."

I sigh, nodding my head and agreeing with his analysis.

I'm watching them dance around for their fans, smiles platered on their sweat-soaked faces as I impatiently await the end of it. Nick said he'd call around 10:45, we would be on the road for nearly 15 minutes by then and I smile at the memory. "Get ready, girl," Tiny tells me.

"Everything is on the bus already and all I have to worry about are my cell and all access passes."

He hums his approval and appreciation, standing beside me with crossed arms and a very stern look on his face. They have one song left before we load up and head for Westbury, walkie checks happening during their final routine. They re-intro the band and run off stage, quickly falling into step in the middle of the guys and security.

"What'd you think, CJ?"

"You guys did great tonight," I praise them and head to the lounge, plopping down on the couch to watch the outside scenery flicker.

Westbury, NY and we pull in behind a motel, loading everyone into separate rooms. The guys take 2 to a room and security does the same, forcing me to have my own room. I stumble into my room, the light already turned on and slowly enter to prevent being attacked. I notice the vase of tiger lillies on the dresser that's in the room and upon looking around, I find Nick asleep with his head on his arms on top of the small square table in the corner to my left. His bag is by the bathroom door and all my favorite flower petals on and around the bed. It's about 7am the 25th and Nick went out of his way to do this for me, making a small and tired smile appear on my face as I drop my bag by his. He has on basketball shorts, nothing more and I take the chance to change into my bed shorts before waking him up to get in bed. I kiss the corner of his mouth, startling him awake and he pulls me into his lap to wrap his arms around me. I let out a short giggle and hug him back. "You should sleep."

"Only if I can curl up with you," he barters.

Only if I can cuddle up to you. He smirks sleepily and stands up, carrying me over to the bed. I move the blankets so we could get under them and fall asleep, something we both want to do together. Hey, just over a week can feel like forever sometimes.

We get to the Big Apple and find out that they'll be on the M&M float for the Macy's parade tomorrow. Josh sees Nick climb out of my bunk as we pull up to a Denny's and exit the bus, Josh going into asshole mode instantly. "Why is he here?"

"To see me, don't worry." I roll my eyes and link my fingers with Nick's, walking toward the restaurant's doors.

Just an FYI, it's like 4 or 5 in the morning and we're getting breakfast before we get to the hotel for a few (something like 2-4 hours) more hours of sleep. Nick and I have slept on and off for the past day almost, so sleep isn't too important at the moment.

Justin sees him at the table and shrugs it off, knowing it would be happening. Chris, Lance and Joey smirk at each other before they practically sing 'Romeo', enticing Nick and I to stick our tongues out at them in response. They laugh and it seems that Josh is the only one of their quintet to be bothered by Nick being with us. He's going to have to suffer, Nick isn't here to start problems and that's what Josh has in mind.

Everything was peaceful until after the parade, Nick just announced that he had a surprise for all of us and I have to admit that he's beyond selfless. Lance's family had already come to take him to dinner, Joey's headed to an uncle's house and Justin had been thrilled to see his new baby brother with all four of his parents. Josh's whole family had been flown to NYC to celebrate with him and he still can't suck up his pride long enough to thank Nick for the nice gesture, for bringing his entire family to him for Thanksgiving. Chris and I are too busy chattering about being together for the first Thanksgiving in a few years due to doing our own things, planning on just hanging out together. "Baby, close your eyes," he whispers to me, lifting my hands to cover my eyes. "You, too, Chris. It's only fair."

Chris groans, but does as Nick requested. "Why?"

"Open them."

We do and both of us are in the midst of joyous tears, shrieking and excited loud chatter with his mom, sisters and Gram Laina during our rounds of hugs. "You've gotten so big, Cassie."

"I'm 19, Gram."

"Who is this boy who helped get us here for the holiday?"

I glance at Nick and smile, looking back at my Gram. "He's my boyfriend, Nick. We've been together since June 1995."

"Oooooh, over 3 years!" I nod, Nick pulling me onto his lap and he presses a kiss to the back of my neck. She smiles at us, recognizing my eyes are twinkling with happiness and love. "Congratulations, dear."

"Thank you, Gram."

"You'll do just fine."

Nick even shocked me! He flew in my mom, sisters and Gram just for last night just to make Pookie smile. Gram loves that Pook is happy, she told me that she believes Nick is Pook's one true love and is praying that they are together for the long haul. Gram has always been a bit strange, but it's normal for Pook and I, Nick seems comfortable with it. Wonder if any of his older relatives are strange like Gram? Hell, Nick has a surprise for me after we get to New Jersey and I'm impatient to find out what it is. I don't wanna wait!

We pull into our NJ hotel and unload, Nick and Pookie coming into my room and hand me a blindfold to put on. Her eyes say I have no choice about putting it on if I want to find out what my surprise is. I put it on and they check if I can see at all. "How many fingers?" Pook questions.

I reach out and grab her hand, feeling 3 fingers up. "Nine," I joke.

"Funny," she giggles, grabbing my wrist and I can tell we're taking the elevator by the ding I hear.

She's dragging me all over the place, but seems to know where we're going and I swear she's trying to confuse me. I reach up with the other hand to mess with the blindfold and she scolds me in Spanish. "What's my surprise?" I ask.

"Not ruining it."

"Chris, chill, man. You'll like it, promise," Nick comforts me.

I sigh and continue to allow her to yank me around by the wrist until she forces me to sit, demanding I stay put until she says so. I hear her dial a number and tell that person that we're at the meeting spot, agreeing to see this person in just a few minutes. I hear about 20 or 30 people walk by and the last set I notice stop beside me, Pookie and Nick's feet shuffle away. A kiss is pressed to my lips as the other person takes off the bandana off my eyes and I see Dani, her smile informing me that Nick is just full of good surprises. "How?"

"Cass called me and told me that I have an all paid for non-stop plane ticket that I have no choice but to take here to New Jersey for a special surprise for someone, somebody I'd been missing since he left the 17th."

"She and Nick planned it?" I ask, confused as to why she'd do this for me with Nick's help and then I realize she's watching from across the dining room with Nick waving at me goofily. I chuckle softly and wave back, thankful for the two of them having a heart and doing this just to make me happy.

"Of course and she wanted to see you happy, not lovesick puppy with sad eyes because I'm not with him."

She still sees the good in what people do and projects only the positives in life and love to those around her to mirror happiness without a thought just to bring it to life. It amazing what she can do to make people smile and feel loved and wanted when she loves them for who they are, when she lets them in her life and allows them to know who she is. She has her media face and her real side, the real her is always guarded to protect her heart and it's to keep fake people from getting too close to her or too far into her life. She's smart about that sort of thing, but it's her heart that makes her who she is and it's why she and my sisters will forever mean the world to me and my mom and Gram mean the universe. I know for sure that mom, Gram and I have raised her the right way if this is how she acts even after all the exposure to celebrity lifestyle and having gone to Julliard, being at everyone's sides when she's needed and all it's ever taken was a phone call or letter or text for her to show up. Raised to have a heart of gold and care and love everyone she lets inside the walls of her heart after everything that's happened, but guards herself and her heart from the rest of the world as she tries to cover her face. Pookie loves, only to love harder with each day that passes and protects the people she loves with her all.

Chris is smiling like a goon at his cell phone as he texts away like his life depends on it, Nick flew in to see her again and it's the night before the Billboard Awards which puts us in LA. She's giggling at the end of the table over what Nick's saying in her ear, Joey is canoodling with Kelly and Lance is going over our schedule. JC? He's on the phone with his bitch girlfriend Bobbie. I throw a straw cover ball at Lance and he looks at me with annoyance in his eyes. "What, Justin?"

"I'm bored."

He groans and slides his papers aside, giving me undivided attention. "What's on your mind?"

I note his hands folded under his chin and his patient demeanor. "How come I can't get attention from the other guys or Cassie?"
"She and Nick have been together for 3 years with almost no problems, Chris and Dani are planning on going together tonight, Joey and Kelly haven't seen each other in 3 weeks, JC hasn't been able to call Bobbie in 4 days and I'm trying to make sure we don't fall behind," he calmly explains to me and I nod.

"But what about the rest of the time when they aren't busy or sleeping?"
"Justin, is there something you'd like to tell me?"

Just then, Britney walks by and I smile at her just to watch her walk away. "Well, yeah, but not here."

"You mean not in front of everyone else?"

I nod and wave back at the blonde haired and brown eyed girl who's had my eye since she came onto the MMC set. "Exactly that."

I grin and glance at Brit, Lance turning around to sneak a peek at her. He turns back around and is surprised, but smiling. "Her?" he asks, nodding in her direction.

"Yeah." I blush slightly.

"Go talk to her."

"I will tonight."

"You'll have to, Bounce," Cassie chips in, "cuz you're going as a couple for publicity purposes."

"Sweet deal," I announce happily, rising to my feet and walking over to her table. I sit across from her and smile at her when our eyes lock. "Hey, Brit."

"Hey, Justin," she shyly greets me.

"Cassie just told me that we're going to the award show tonight together for publicity," I tell her.

"I know, she told me last week and I think it's best because of our history."
"Yeah, we've pretty much grown up together now," she agrees, bashfully looking at me with her Louisiana twang evident.

"Can I be honest for a moment?" I ask, my Tennessian drawl flowing out of my mouth.

"Sure."

"I like you alot."

"I like you, too, Justin."

We show up to the Billboard Awards and sit down to watch the whole thing, the only exception is when we have to perform. Brit is a great girl and once we get to our show in Nashville, I plan on asking her to be my girlfriend. I guess Cassie is going to have to wait.

We get to Nashville, TN and I begin jumping up and down and being a very spazztic guy. "Would you please just fucking sit down, Justin?" JC growls at me, his face in his hands.

"What's wrong, Daddy C? Not enough sleep?" I quip.

"No, you're worse than Chris is on a sugar high right now."

"Is he on a sugar high?"

"No, but we know how he gets when he is."

I sit down, but can't stop jittering around. "What's wrong with Curls?"

I look up and see Chris pointing in my direction. "I honestly think he's about to ask a specific girl out that rides on a different bus and is touring as an opening act for you five," Cassie says, proverbially gorilla gluing me to the road in direct line of a semi's tires and all I can manage to do is let my mouth fall open in shock that she'd do it.

"Bu-, how-, who, uta-unh, unta?" I sputter, not knowing how to react or word it.

"I can read you better than a projecter puts pictures and words on a wall, ceiling or floor can."

"I am not that predictable!" I shout, folding my arms over my chest and sinking into the couch cushions.

"Stop your belly aching, Timberlake," Johnny tells me, having joined us at our stop in Missouri.

"But she knew what I was gonna do tonight," I pout.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't tell her a damn thing, ya big baby," Cassie snips, turning to me in a split second.

"Well, it doesn't," I mutter.

I pull her aside and ask her out, being one of the happiest members of this group. I walk out of the room smiling like a total goon and I don't care who sees. She began wearing the gold ring on her finger tonight, having put it on a chain that sits around her neck and she's also smiling like the Cheshire cat on top of it all. Cassie passes us as we sit on the bench in the mess hall, dips her head between ours and drops her hands to our shoulders. "Congrats, kids. Welcome to the world of relationships. Stay faithful and you'll be together forever," she comments, laughing menically after.

I think Lance is hiding shit from me, shit he should be telling me. What needs hiding? Who is he hiding it for? Why would he keep it from me? How did he find out? When is he planning on telling me? I have to know.

"Justin, can you run down to the kitchen and order our breakfast?"

"Sure. Same as always?" he inquires, getting to his feet after handing Lance the controller.

"Yeah," Lance and I confirm.

"Okay."

He exits the room and my mind begins to reel. "I know something's on your mind, Chris."

"What are you hiding, why and for who?" I demand as I make Sub-Zero freeze his character, Liu Kang.

"It's not up to me who I tell and I'm not about to break that person's trust in me."

It has to be something involving Pookie. "What is she hiding?"

"How do you even know the sex of the person?" he coolly remarks, pressing buttons so that Liu Kang throws his hat at Sub-Zero and kills my character.

He's already calling my bluff. "My guess is Pookie."

"I can neither confirm nor deny that person's gender," he says as the screen reads 'Round 2'.

"Why not? Maybe because I know who it is?"

"No, it would make that person distrust me."

He's not only calling my bluff, but is also kicking my ass in Mortal Kombat 3. Trust is a major factor when it comes to him having it, the whole thing being mutual. We trust him and he trusts us, everything mutual. "Is it Pookie?"

"They will tell you tonight, I've already been informed."

What the fuck? "Since when?"

"Since when what?"

"Since when have you known the person's secret or secrets you've been keeping was planning on telling me tonight?" I say angrily between clenched teeth, gripping the controller tightly.

"Since this morning. Why does it matter?"

"When today?"

"Later tonight, that's all I know and I wasn't given a specific time, either."

We play silently for the round, his next character being Kitana and mine being Baraka. I'm going to tear his character to shreds, I'm so pissed. I can faintly hear Nick asking Pookie why he can't see her until rehearsals. "Pero, papichulo, I need time with my girls and you should hang out with Lance, Justin and 'Lan."

"Cassie, I haven't seen you in over a week and I really miss you," he softly argues, attempting to persuade her to make an exception or change her mind.

"No, I've made up my mind-go hang with those three or you get nada, even when it comes to holding and kissing me," she sternly tells him. I can see her standing in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest, a serious look on her face and eyes that dare him to test it.

"But, baby-" he continues to try to persuade her, most likely taking her into his arms.

"But, baby nada, no," she retorts in a heavy Spanish accent, standing her ground.

"When they go to rehearsals then?" he asks, quickly switching gears.

"Si. We tell primo tonight after rehearsals, papichulo."

"Okay. I love you." I hear them kiss, having paused the game to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"I love you, too."

I unpause the game and turn my attention to it, Lance grunting about my nosiness. "Nosy much?" he observes.

"Shut up."

Nick walks in, releases a sigh and flops back on the bed behind Lance and I with his hands behind his head. "Why today?" he complains, staring at the ceiling.

"Why what?" Lance questions, mashing buttons as he tries to defeat me while I only have part of my mind focused on the game while the rest of it is paying more attention to Nick.

"Why is she having a girls’ day today? She knew I was coming sometime today," he half-whines.

How can a guy whining be attractive to any chick? I know, I know-it’s contradicting for the simple reason that us guys find it adorable when a chick whines. "It’s also the last 24 hours or so with all of us, so she wanted to spend some of the time left with just the chicks and be all girly and shit," I explain to the 3 of us.

It makes sense. He sighs again and drags a hand from under his head and lifts it up, dropping it onto his torso. "I’m crazy," he grumbles.

"What makes you say that?" Lance asks.

"Hit square. For the simple reason that I love her and I’m totally in love with her," he begins to rationalize his belief of insanity.

"Only for the fact that she’s Kirkpatrick and related to me and my sisters?" I interject and I hear him groan.

"No, because it took me so long to say something with the thought she would turn me down, laughing like she thought it would’ve been hysterical and now I’m thinking of giving her my name," he finishes, adjusting his body on the bed.

"Yeah, it does sound just a tiny bit crazy considering that the relationship she has with you had begun before she ended the one with Alex," I snap at him.

"He even told me that he had it coming-he admitted to cheating on her and karma would’ve bitten him in the ass. He told me himself that he’d rather I be with her than anyone else, I treat her good and she’s happy almost all the time. I even got them back on speaking terms, he’s glad she doesn’t hate him. Don’t get it twisted, though-she does hate the decisions and shit he did to her, more the cheating and emotional bullshit than the rest of it. I know how it all went down, I was there during their entire relationship and I did spend quite a few nights on the phone with her when she couldn’t reach him. We talked about school, the group, AJ, our families and our friends. I made her laugh when she wanted to cry so bad about the emotional torment of not knowing what he was doing and where he was."

"You fucking knew!" Justin yells at him, the tray of food on the table by the door and slamming the heavy wooden door behind himself.

Nick snaps up into a sitting position, throwing his hands in a defensive manner and a shocked expression written all over his face. "I was three times as clueless as she was about him until the day we left for Sweden the first time, I swear," he calmly states.

"Scout’s honor?" Lance asks.

I face palm myself and groan. He’s such a fucking bumpkin sometimes. Nick draws an X over his heart, nodding. "I promise on my love for her," he promises us. "That's why I set him up for failure."

Lance and I look at each other, our eyes meeting Justin’s at the same moment that we see a black, orange and white blur fly from the door over to the bed. Nick falls back with the mass on him, blocking his face and I see balled up hands strike his face and body lightening quick with a great deal of force behind each blow. Nick elbows the mass and it falls onto the floor, facing upward. "FUCK!" I hear JC holler.

I look over the side of the bed to see JC holding his face surrounding his nose and mouth. "What’s wrong with you?" Lance asks, shaking his head in disbelief.

"He knew AJ was cheating on Cassie," he grumbles from under one hand while pointing at Nick with the other.

"Dude, he swore on his love for her that he had no fucking clue until just before they flew overseas for them to record their first single," Justin informs his longtime friend, helping him off the floor and assessing the damage Nick had caused when he’d defended himself.

"No clue about what?" I ask from the doorway, leaning on the frame with my arms folded over my front.

This shit is getting old really fucking fast. I have a feeling that Josh just attacked Nick over something he and I had already discussed at least once before, having jumped to conclusions. "AJ cheating on you, Cassie," Justin replies, checking on Josh’s bloody nose.

I scoff and roll my eyes, pushing off the door frame to walk into the room. I stop to look at Josh and shake my head at him. "Grow up, Chasez."

I want to let Josh in, but he doesn't seem to want it as bad as Justin and he's supposed to be the older one. He acts like such a child sometimes. "Ow, baby."

I blink a few times and let out a huff of air, refocusing on Nick's injuries. "Sorry, Nick."

He watches me scrunch up my face, relaxing it a moment later. "What's on your mind?" he questions, holding the side of my face with one hand.

"Josh and how he acts."

He closes his eyes for a second, smiling softly. "I talked to Lance and I know he still has feelings for you, wants to be with you. You told me that he acts jealous of you moving on and tries to make you feel the same way by dating the girls he has since Nikki, but when you love-"

"I love hard," I finish for him. "I know. Nick, how much do you know about Josh and I?"

"That you still like him, but don't like how he acts most of the time. I see it every time he's around you, it's in your eyes and I also know that the sparkle in your eye is for me." He kisses me and smiles. "I know you wouldn't do anything to make me not trust you."

I wonder if I should tell him about the dream I had. "Primo!" I shout over my shoulder and 'Lan comes in.

"Yeah?" he replies, sighing.

I look at him and then move my eyes toward Nick. "Hmm?"

"I would, Pook."

I sigh and launch into my dream, telling him the parts I can remember. I don’t even know why it had been so detailed, but I hold nothing back from him and his face drops as I tell him. He looks at the floor with his eyebrows close, looking angry and he silently leaves the room. I feel a tear streak down my face, just now realizing that I was crying and I curl my knees to my body once my back is pressed to the headboard. I drop my face onto my bent knees, crying harder than I thought I could and I feel a pair of teddy bear arms wrap around me. "It’s okay, Sandy."

"No, it’s not," I tearfully, my words muffled by my knees.

"What happened?"

"I had a dream that I cheated on," I begin to explain, choking on a sob before continuing, "N-n-nick and I told him about it and he left."

"Maybe he wanted to think on it?" he suggests, giving me a gentle and comforting squeeze.

"What’s going on, Joe?" Lance asks, obviously concerned.

"She told Nick about her dream and he left the room," Joey explains, Lance’s phone ringing.

"Speaking of him," he comments, turning his cell so that we could read Nick’s name. He presses a button and puts the device to his ear. "Hey, Nick. Yeah, I’ll be down there in five. Sure." He looks at Joey and I, hugging me for a moment. "He wants me to talk to him."

"Why?" I say between sobs.

"He said he would explain when I get there, so I don’t have a clue yet."

"Hmm."

"I’ll let you know what he says."

"I’m gonna lie down for a bit," I choke out.

"We will check on you around 12," ‘Lan agrees, rubbing my back and kissing my temple. I nod and they leave me alone, closing the door softly on their way out.

I shut my phone off and bury my head in my pillow, curling into a ball. I stare at the wall, my thoughts rapidly swirling ‘round my brain and I can’t even focus. I give up trying to concentrate on one subject as a migraine threatens to take over my head.

"Why would you do that with him?" Nick asks, sitting across the bus from me, the lounge to be precise. He’s hurt and it’s my fault because of what I’d done, feeling like a villain.

"I don’t know, we just got caught up in the moment and-"

"But, it was him!" he shouts, pointing to the bunks.

"Sorry."

He hangs his head as I draw my legs to my body, placing my chin on my knees. "I don’t even know if I can be with you after this."

"Your tour starts soon. When will you decide?"

"Hopefully before the tour starts up."

We sit in an awkward silence until the bus comes to a stop, Johnny opening the door to tell us we’re at the arena and recognizes that Nick and I are having problems. "We just pulled up to the arena. What’s wrong?"

"Nothing some time apart can’t resolve. I need to talk to Lance and Chris," he tells him, shoving past Johnny hastily.

"What happened?" Johnny demands, pointing over his shoulder in the direction Nick just went.

"I slept with J-" I begin to tell him sadly, feeling like the world is shaking.

My eyes open and I see Nick in front of me, gently shaking me. "We have to head out to the arena, it’s almost 1."

I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, sitting up in half a second. "I’m so sorry. I don’t ever want to lose you for any reason," I murmur into his neck.

"I think we do need to talk about this dream, but I really don’t believe it would ever happen because of who you are."

I’ve been terrorizing myself, agonizing over the fact that we have to tell ‘Lan and I don’t want to even be here in my own shoes right now. I’m pacing, wringing my fingers and slipping my heels in and out of my shoes when I stand still or sit down. Nick is sitting hunched over in a chair, his fingertips drumming on the inside of his jean clad thighs an inch or two above his knees and his eyes are glued to the floor. "Are you sure we’re doing the right thing?" I ask him.

"He needs to know."

"Still, y’know?"

"Baby, we found out after the fact, it had been defective and only one person other than us knows it."

"He hasn’t said anything!" I scream, motioning to the stage entrance.

"I know, baby," he reminds me, getting up from his spot a few feet away from me and taking me into his arms to comfort me with a kiss to my forehead. "He didn’t say a word and he looked me in the eye, admitting to telling him that we planned on us filling him in."

He rubs my back slowly, relaxing my frayed nerves as best as he can and holds me. "Why are you so sure?" I whisper, hearing footsteps coming down the hall toward us behind me.

"It’s not someone who’s chasing you."

The door opens, I draw in a breath and turn around. "You wanted to talk after rehearsals alone?" he asks.

I feel betrayed-I never knew and it’s been, been since… Since when? "How long has he fucking known? And don’t even think of bullshitting me!" I push my hands through my shorter hair, huffing angrily that they even hid it.

I can't believe they made Lance lie to me for so fucking long! Something like a year and a half, but FUCK! She's my family and Nick is dating her, I know how they work. They have their fights, they make up and go on like nothing ever happened in the first place. They are as far from saints as someone can get, but I never thought he got her pregnant and there were 4 of us there and read that it had been NEGATIVE. Ahhhhhh!!!! She miscarried which sucks, but then again it might not have been the best time to get her pregnant. It also explains why Lance had touched her knee in the way he had back in New York last year, just before we got to MTV. He's always talking to her in code about it, been since it happened and he's always e-mailing her. I look at Joey once we drop her and Nick off at the airport for their red eye flight to Tampa or where they planned on going, pissed the fuck off, but I try not to show it. "Joey, can we talk?"

"Once we get on the bus, sure," he agrees.

"How long did you think she was pregnant?"

"I know the papers she had dropped said something about miscarriages in the first trimester, making her concieve sometime in February or March and I tried telling you the whole time. I could tell something about what different when she said she'd been craving foods she normally can't stand and foods she loves making her nauseous upon smelling them. She hates fish and chicken making her want to throw up, living on veggies and water. Something wasn't right to me."

I shake my head. I can't keep most promises, can't be counted on and a huge coward. Why does everyone stick around? Is it because one of my craziest ideas panned out? I lie too much, but still Pookie stays around me and I see she's bigger than I could ever be (if you don't count my ego). I think she's crazy, she does too much and expects things to just fall into place with the right circumstances. I pray Nick sees the reality of being with her, the confusion and everything. "I should've listened to you."

Joey twists his face up in a way that says he knows and won't pour salt in my wound right now, but this sort of thing might come back to haunt me. "Man, she's an adult and Nick's now joined her ranks, but it doesn't mean she doesn't need us sometimes because she will."

I hang my head, leaning forward to rest my elbows on my thighs with my head in my hands. "How did I not see that?"

"She's not always easy to read, we all know that. Somehow Justin and JC can see through her games while the rest of us remain oblivious to her signs." He stops when I look up. "Hey, I missed so much of it, too. She had those strange cravings in the last couple weeks before MTV and I know she had been sleeping more than usual and I chalked it up to being sick. She always had a runny nose and everyone thought she just had a cold or her allergies were flaring up again, we all did."

JC walks to the fridge and checks it, grabbing a Hot Pocket from the freezer. "I knew she was pregnant when Tay told you that something was giving Cass a certain 'glow' to her after her trip to Spain. She told me in New York."

I snap my head up. "When the fuck?"

"She texted it to me, making me really look at her that day and she'd been adament about it for a couple weeks before. She and the rest of the girls and your mom saw her off at the airport, almost a week after the whole 'caught in the moment' thing she had," he prattles off, popping the microwaveable sandwich in the appliance and leaning on the counter once he's facing us with his arms covering his chest. I storm off to my bunk and face the wall, my heart in pain when I see a pictures she'd given to me when I saw her during our MTV debut day.

Why couldn't she tell me? Why did she have to hide it? I would've been supportive of their decision. Who else knew? Who did they tell? What else could they be hiding?

Chris is clueless about so much, but is usually too stubborn and confident to listen-mostly when it comes to his sisters and Sandy. JC is aggressively persuing her, pointlessly for years. Justin is passively chasing her, aware of the microscopic chance he has and willing to welcome a friendship that may never come to a close. Lance sees an awesome person and friend in her, but doesn't pine after her like JC and Justin do. Me? I'm just the silent observer and mental note taker, taking invisible photos to recount and analyze alone later. I tried to tell him, but he insisted she was fine until she started to sound different a month or so after we'd seen her in New York.

"Joey!"

I blink and look at her, Christmas and New Year's having passed already. "Sorry, Sandy."

She exhales harshly and groans, her made up face falling into her decorated hand and wrist. "What's going on with your schedule?"

"That's Lance's forte, not mine."

"I didn't mean like that! I meant how are you guys doing with it? Have any of the other guys been acting funny in the past couple weeks? Josh or Justin or James or Chris?"

She looks at me expectantly, rotating one of her hands in the air as she stands in the middle of my hotel room and quickly losing her patience with me. "JC has been himself, Justin's all about Brit, Lance is still Poofoo, and Chris is beating himself up over what you told him with Nick."

She slams her eyes shut and sniffles lightly. "It's not his fault, it's mine and Nick's. He was busy with you guys, wanting to see it take off like it has been since Germany and we didn't want to burden him because I know he would have come back home. I didn't want him to give up on his dream just cuz I got pregnant and Nick's being on the road, I wanted his childhood dream of him being able to help out Titi Bev to happen and I didn't want to be the one to stop it."

"How would Nick be a dad and be on the road and do what we do?" I point out.

"He could," she begins pacing, thinking everything through, "talk with Lenny Kravitz and Madonna and whoever else has kids in this profession and get advice. We would figure something out and run with it."
She continues to pace, silent. I open and close my mouth a few times, unsure if I should ask. Fuck it. "Are you expecting again?"

She looks at me angrily, fire in her honey drops. "No," she replies through clenched teeth.

"Yo, Yaya, we gots to go!" AJ tells her, popping his head in the door.

"I'll check on you between now and when the Boys leave for Europe in June," she growls, storming out and kissing Nick for a moment.

JC leans over, his arm bumping mine and covers the side of face with his hand. "Why did she look mad when we left?" he demands, whispering.

"I asked if she could be, ya know again and she nearly decapitated me."

"She isn't acting like it and she isn't glowing."

He drops his hand to his thigh, pretending to pay attention to the show. I look over at her and Nick a few rows away, they're holding hands and joking around. "Yeah," I sigh dejectedly.

Kelly slips her fingers through mine and I look at her, her eyes following where mine had been directed. "Joe, she's not pregnant and she willl be fine. I talk to her at least once a day. She and Nick have been overly cautious since the scare."

"How cautious?" I inquire.

"Condoms, the patch and the Rhythm method. They've also been using a spermicide foam."

I know you guys probably didn't want to know that, but they're very open about their contraceptive methods and what they use. They know they aren't even anywhere near beginning to be ready to have kids, so they do what they can to prevent it right now.

I hear an old song describe my emotions, a group Cassie listens to on a regular basis and I have to admit that I'm surprised that it's so dead on. I have no idea as to why JC keeps pushing to get through to her, pushing her away with every effort he exerts and I have told him to just back off until she calls on him. She's always giving him a glare that even Chris and I wouldn't challenge for second, he's pretty ballsy and treats us like we're his private little spies. He's always wanting us to find out her truths, but it's so hard when most of what we find concerning Nick is not only in Spanish-it's coded as well. I can't even begin decoding it, none of us can unless it's in just Spanish and then Chris can. When it's in plain English or Spanish, it's basic info and not even worth attempting to use against her. JC has been stooping pretty low, more when she was touring with us on the bus after she'd fallen asleep and that's when it was easiest.

"J, have you gotten any word from her?" JC antsily inquires.

I sigh, my eyes rolling in their sockets. "No, C, nothing from her."

It's been at least a week to a week and a half since we last seen her at an awards show, KCAs and she said something about being in Tampa until later this month. Johnny moves quickly from the back of the bus with his phone attached to his ear, humming and grunting in response to what the caller is telling him. He stops in front of JC, the younger guy's eyes shut and looking like he's sleeping like he always does.

Johnny reaches out and shakes him, none too happy with him. "JC, get your ass up, now," he tells C.

"What?" JC groans.

"Here," he growls, shoving the cell phone into JC's chest.

JC looks at it confused for a moment before picking it up, placing it to his ear. "Hello? What do you mean, mom?" He looks out the window and sees a sign indicating how many miles we are from Florida, informing his mom of how long it's going to be before we to Tampa. I think he said 4-5 hours and I know I groaned, Chris acting like a semi-tantruming 3 year old. He stomped his foot with crossed arms, storming away in huff. Give us a break, we've been crammed into an oversized tin can for almost 5 straight months if you don't include the nights in hotels! After every show, we've been too tired to even begin an argument and mornings are insane.

"Can't catch a break?" Joey asks.

"No, mom said get home ASAP and refuses to tell me why." He scrubs his face with his hands, sitting back in his seat.

I get a Yahoo IM. The great Larry Bird jersey 33/when you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet/Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets/call me Willy Whistle cuz I can't speak baby/something in your eyes went and drove me crazy/Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad/left one day and never came back/stayed all summer then went back home/Maculay Culkin wasn't home alone/fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking/Micheal J. Fox was Alex P. Keegan... What do you think, J?

It's good, girl. Song?

Yup, but I dunno what to call it or how to finish it. Ideas?

Fresh out should I show any of the guys?

Chris, Joey and Lance ONLY

Y not C

he wld read 2 far in2 it

I copy and paste it into emails to the people she had said could know about it, sending it immediately. done r u gna be at any fla shows?

pt5

tell me

ud tell

promise not 2

She doesn't answer right away, but she hasn't logged off and a few minutes of digital silence pass. mmmmmmaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyybbbbbbbbbeeeeeee

mgmt knows?

yup bt he wnt tell u, only CK

:(

;?)

I get it, surprise

of course ttyl

She logs off and I glance at Chris as his phone rings, answering it in Spanish. I know it's her, but I shrug. "Tell Cassie I said hi."

He speaks on the phone a few minutes longer and smirks at me in passing. I know she's going to at least call us before a show, but actually showing up will be a complete surprise to us all.

We get to JC's parents' place and I smirk, recognizing the bright blue convertible in the driveway. Joey, Chris and Lance also chuckle quietly beside me. The four of us know exactly who's here and why JC's mom had told him to rush right home. We tackle him to the floor and blindfold him, ushering him to the bus' door as he bitches like a girl about the treatment we just gave him. "I can't see where I'm going."
"No need to, you should know your parents' house by memory by now," Chris argues with him.
"But I haven't been home in months," JC grumbles, bitching about the fact he has to be blindfolded.
We guide him off the bus and he almost face plants in the front yard, bringing a sly smirk to her face. She greets us all with hugs and she smells like sandalwood, jasmine and a tropical beach. It makes me think of some of the coastal places we've been to over the past few years, some of them being with her and I recall the heart to heart conversations we had together during our walks on some of them as good friends. "Long time no see, girl," I greet her as I pull away from her.
She smiles and nods at me, saying the same sort of thing back to me with her eyes. Lance hugs her, inhaling her intoxicating scent as well and humming. "How's things?"
She smiles, informing it's all good in the simplest of ways. Joey steps up next. "Missed you."
She gives him a 'right' look and embraces him, Chris running over to her for his traditional bear hug with her that they do each and every time they see one another. "Wish you could've stayed longer to keep me saner," he rambles in Spanish.
She nods in agreement, walking over to JC and wraps her arms around his waist affectionately. He inhales her uniquely tempting smells and sighs to himself quietly, his arms pulling her as close as he can manage with a smile plastered to his visage. "I'm sorry, Cass."
"For being an ass and an asshole?" she retorts.
"Yeah, to all of it," he admits softly.
"I have a special guest with me, but you can't fly off the handle."
"Yeah? Who?"

The rest of us look up to spot him, a scowl coming to my face and the back of her hand slaps my abdomen a split second later. "Stop it."
"No," I growl.
She curses me in Spanish, Chris unphased and not willing to defend me. The asshat taps my shoulder and motions for me to follow him, wanting to talk alone. I don't like the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, something feels off. We get out of earshot and I look at them, she's talking to JC with his eyes still covered. "I'll be honest, I know how you feel and I don't blame you. I get it, I really do. I felt the same way, way back when she was with AJ and then I told her. I told her everything, including how I felt and what I knew at the time. I have everything I could ask for in her and I know she set you up with Britney, knowing you better than you thought. She did it because of what you told her when you were on MMC, about how you felt when it came to Brit and that sorta thing sticks with her. When and if she and I ever come to an end, it's her call on who she gets together with. I'll respect it because I respect and will always love her, but I may not agree with her choice. I'll be on your side of the fence again, so I do know how you feel. You're trying to hide it and respect her, but you want so badly for her to be yours and love her in the ways I do. You have your girl and I suggest you focus on her, but I know Cassie will always be in your heart and at the back of your mind. All I'm asking is for you to respect me enough not to cross that line, you don't have to like me and I'll respect you. Is that a fair deal?"
I look him straight in the eye and process it all. "I guess," I confess.
He holds his hand out and we shake on it, turning to walk back over to everyone else. "Josh, promise me you won't go batty when you see who it is."
"Depends on who it is."
"Shake the person's hand to show that you'll respect him and not cross any lines you know you're not supposed to when it comes to me, but you don't have to like them. They're willing to agree to respect you for my sake and our friendship."
JC uncomfortably wraps his arms around his own torso, unsure about trusting her and I know he doesn't like being tricked into this kinda thing, but I guess it has to be done for he and I to suck it up enough to agree to this. "C, I already made the agreement with that person," I inform him.
He groans, knowing if I'm mature enough to do so that he has to be more than me and do it blindfolded. "Fine, but it's for you and the friendship we have."
His hand shoots out and they lock hands, shaking three times on it when Chris pulls off the bandana. "Thanks, JC," Nick says, genuine in his appreciation for the decision.
"Yeah, you're welcome. Is this what all the secrecy was all about?"

Chris smirks, affirming it with a single movement of his head. "She and I have been planning this since September."
JC shakes his head and walks over to his parents and siblings to greet them appropriately, looking at his childhood friend before walking around the house to the backyard. I look at how happy she seems with Nick as they softly talk, my heart beginning to shatter at the sight and I walk away from it to be alone.

I have no clue how long it took for Joey and Lance to find me hidden on the side of the house, leaning on the fence by the backyard. "J, you still hurt when you see her happy with someone else, but you have Brit," Joey observes, reminding me of what I do have at the same time.
"I know, but you know how it feels when you have a crush and she was the one who always got away from me and never fails to remind me that I'm too young for her," I explain, tapping my fingers on my knees and I keep my eyes on the grass between my feet.
"She always tells me that she and I wouldn't work because we're so different, but Nick is different as well," Lance confesses to me.
I snap my head up to look into his deep green eyes, seeing nothing but pure honesty in them. "Then you understand how I feel," I comment, dropping my eyes back to the grass.
"I've known her for about half her life now and I know that you shouldn't always go by what she tells you, but always follow the way the river carries you with her," Joey reiterates, telling us something he and Chris have told us since we met her and for good reason, too.

I know it was hard for the two of them to make amends with me like that and on a whim, but only for her sake. I replay what had gone down when they returned today as I lay with her head on my bare chest, happy to have put it behind us in a way and smile to myself. I did it for the sake of my relationship, nothing less and to show respect. I can't believe that we're staying in her room at her aunt's and she's okay with it, even more so because the door is shut. She shivers in her sleep and I pull the blanket up higher, her body relaxing against mine once more. I know I'm not exactly liked by JC and Justin and I'm okay with it, but she wanted us to 'make some sorta peace known' between myself and them. She made it clear over the past few days, emphasizing the violent mannerisms they've exhibited in the past at me, I know she's more than aware of it all. She's what you call overly observant, she has to be. She's our manager and has to be on the lookout when it comes down to my group's safety. She takes her profession so seriously that sometimes she even forgets we're dating and that she is more than our manager.

She drives me crazy in more ways than one and I refuse to name them all, I know it'd take far too long. Man, even Brian says I'm crazy for putting everything at risk in the ways I have in the past three years and I mean every little thing I've done for her, the dumbest being what she knows nothing about. I don't want to tell her what I do when AJ and I hang out alone, but I know that when she finds out is the moment she's just gonna walk away with a heart of ice and probably unforgiving. I know I shouldn't and he still pushes it on me, making me feel even worse if I'd tell him no.

Nick and AJ go clubbing every night they can, this time inviting us after our last show this week. Her black cherry hair leading the way through the crowd to the dance floor, leaving me with Nick and AJ and I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. AJ pulls an off white ball out of a baggie, places it on the glass top table and cuts up some of it into 2 lines of powder before they each snort a line through a straw in their nostrils. They sniffle a few times and Nick relaxes in his seat. "It'll kick in soon, kid," AJ tells him.
"I feel so bad doing this and lying to her," Nick admits.
"Get over it. She's our management and hasn't caught on."
"She will soon enough."
'Damn right she will,' I think to myself.
"Just sit back and let it kick in," AJ growls. I stand and AJ glares at me, Nick's eyes revealing guilt and fear. "Say something and I'll kick your ass myself."
"Yeah, whatever," I sneer.
I rapidly walk down to the dance floor and find her, cutting in on Lance's dance with her. "What's going on with Nick and AJ?" she asks, smirking.
"I need to talk to you alone to tell you," I confess in her ear as we grind.
"What's up?"
"It's-"
"He's overreacting," AJ shouts over the music, glaring at me again and Nick steps behind him.
"Hey, baby," Nick greets her, looking coked out and guilty about what he'd just done behind her back with AJ.
She grins like the creepy cat from 'Alice In Wonderland', kissing him and dancing with him. "Hey, we can tell her later, Justin."
"Okay," I angrily agree, walking away, annoyed and pissed I didn't get the chance to tell her.

I walk over to where Joey and JC are posted up on the wall, quickly putting the bottom of my foot on it and lean back on it. JC eyes me, glances at Joey and sips on his drink. "What's eating you?" Joey questions, knowing something has me all up in arms.
"Not here," I tell him.
"VIP?" JC suggests.
"Get Chris and Lance," I demand, heading for the room he offered for privacy.

The four of them come in and I'm sitting where Nick had, replaying the scene in my troubled mind. "Why was I pulled away from Dani?" Chris growls at me.
"I don't think you're going to believe me," I mutter, looking at my best friends and brothers.
"Just tell us already," JC snaps.
"Nick and AJ did coke," I blurt out.
"What?" Chris barks, heated.
"You mean coke as in the soda, right?" Lance inquires, hoping I'm overreacting.
"I mean COCAINE!" I yell, shooting to my feet and looking them in the face, pointing at the remainder of the fine powder on the table.
Lance flops down where I was when Nick and AJ had snorted the lines. "Oh, wow!"
Chris' face contorts in pure anger, breathing heavily through his nose and his brows furrow together. "You mean to tell me that her BOYFRIEND IS SNORTING COCAINE, Justin?" he asks, teeth clenched and ready to snap.
"AJ said he'd kick my ass if I told her," I add.
"What about NICK?" Joey demands.
"He's feeling like crap for doing it behind her back," I confess.
"Always knew it seemed too good to be true," Chris barks, sitting on the arm of the couch and leaning back on the wall with his arms crossed to match his facial expression. Joey and JC stand there, frozen in place and disbelieving. They must be in shock. JC darts out of the room and runs to her, telling her something in her ear before they disappear outside by the time we get to the balcony overlooking the dance floor.

Minutes later, she darts back in and she's in a moody fluster over what JC had told her. Her hair and hands flying around her head, her jean and tube top clad body emitting anger beyond what I've experienced. Her wedge heeled foot stomps on the floor, her small arms folding and I see JC begin to explain what he knows. He motions to me with an open palm hand, adamant about what he's telling her and becoming increasingly frustrated over the matter. She grabs at her hair, quickly dropping her fists to her sides and storming off.
I watch her grab Nick's hand and he stoops down enough for her to say something, the two of them racing out of the building so fast that we can hardly follow it while JC follows her around. He stops short of the exit, his forehead falling onto the wall in defeat. He slowly climbs the stairs to us, shaking his head. "What happened?" Lance asks him.
"She said I was lying out my ass and she was going to get Nick. She made true on her word and they left with me chasing her, arguing the best I could with her. You saw how well THAT fucking went, his lies believed before she'd give the truth I was telling her a fair chance."

Cass thinks I'm lying, but why would Justin lie about something like that with evidence on the fucking table? I can't believe Nick and AJ are doing that shit, lying to her and behind her back. She's dating Nick and he's hiding it from her! Hell, everyone of us around her know damn well they fuck and live together! How does he keep this devastating secret from her?
"JC?" Bobbie calls out for me, her voice joyous and I hear the proof of her most recent shopping excursion.
I groan and enter the living room, upset over how much she must've blown on my credit card. "Yeah?" I ask, feeling a migraine coming on and I scratch my head.
"I found the prettiest dress at this little boutique-"
"Return it, everything and go home. I have enough going on and I don't need this," I tell her, emotionless to her desires.
When I look at her, her jaw is clenched and there is definitely fire in her eyes. "I go get some nice things for me to wear, things to keep your interest and this-" she begins to argue.
"With MY fucking money and MY credit cards!" I scream at her.
Tears well up in her eyes and she throws the item at my head, missing by less than an inch. Her heels click the whole way to the front door, my tile floor and stop by the small table used for keys, pausing for a moment. "I hope you know that Chris' bitch cousin was with her drug addicted boyfriend at the shop where I bought the dress, asking him about some 'stuff' he was doing and he told her not to worry because he's 'not on anything'!"
The keys are picked up, my door is opened and slammed before I hear her car speed out if the driveway. The gravel told on her, telling me how she tore out of the driveway. "Well, that went better than expected, easier than I thought," I think aloud to myself, sarcastically.

I email Nick, nearly 3 hours after I had heard they were shopping.
'Nick,
It's JC. I know you lie to her about what you and AJ are doing behind her back. Stop lying. I will get through to her.'

I read it over a few times and send it. All I can do is hope for the best now. I think about memories of my girlfriend and I, our fights about her and most of them were calling her by Cass' name or how doing that made an argument worse.

*~*Memory #1 7 1/2 months earlier*~*
Making love in that hotel room, things are hot and heavy when she says the worst thing to me just before I get off. "Say my name."
"Cassie!"
She kicks me off her and kneels naked on the bed, pissed. "Are you fucking around on me?!" Bobbie exclaims, her hands on her hips.
"No," I honestly reply, getting up and grabbing my things before starting down the hall to my room once I've gotten pants on.
"Then who the hell is she?" she softly demands, when I open the door.
"You wouldn't understand." I leave, closing the door behind me and I fear she's going to make a scene as I hear the click of her door opening.
"Who the FUCK IS CASSIE, JC?"
I knew it. I ignore her and enter the room I share with Chris, aware he's awake by the sound of his bed linens. "You better say you didn't call her what you call Pookie."
"She said to say her name just before I busted."
"Damn, man," he laughs, "You need to tell her what Pookie is to you."
"It's hard to explain," I claim. It's the first thing that came to mind.
"Yeah, suuuuurrrrrreee. Your loss," he says with a quick chuckle, rolling over and he knows it's a lie. "You never got over that crush on her, but she did and you wish she was with you, not Nick or AJ or any other guy and it includes Justin," he informs me, knowing me far too well, almost stalker status.

*~*Memory #2 6 months earlier*~*
"I don't care why you need it!" I scream.
"But, baby," she pouts, whining like Cass used to when Chris would tell her she couldn't skip school.
"No, Cassie!"
"Who the hell is she?!"
"Don't worry about it, she's not important."

She looks over my shoulder at something, smirking satisfactorily. "Okay, fine," Cass angrily mutters, slamming the door shut and locking herself in the back lounge when I turn around.
"Cassie, look, I'm sorry," I say through the door, my hands and head on it.
"JC," Bobbie calls me.
"Not now, I can't lose one of my best friends," I growl at her.
"You're such an asshole!"
"Go away, Josh," Cassie tells me, sniffling on the other side of the door.
I feel like shit for saying that and even worse that she heard it. Lance's hand rests on my shoulder and I look at him standing beside me. "What did I do wrong?" I'm mad at myself.
"You lied about how much she matters to you."
"Please, help me keep my best friend, the only girl I consider a best friend," I beg him.
"Let me see what I can do," he informs me, helping me to my bunk.

*~*Memory #3 7 weeks ago*~*
"Baby, I can't believe we're this big!" Justin exclaims as he hugs her to his side on the couch in the lounge.
"I know, right?" she giggles, her southern drawl coming out.
"We start recording tomorrow for our next album."
"Yeah, I start mine next week."

I walk down to my hotel room on the way back from the club, hearing all too familiar moans and even though I'm drunk off my ass, I still know Justin's still out at whatever the place was. Wade bumps into me, tugging his shirt down as he backs out of her room. "Remember to stretch tomorrow before rehearsal," he tells her, closing her door.
"I'm drunk, not stupid," I remind him, wobbly as I jabbed what I believed was his chest.
"Let's get you to bed, man," he laughs, leading me there

"Thanks," I say, Wade dropping me on the bed.

*~*Memory #4 Last week*~*
"Man, I can't wait to finish this album," Justin excitedly announces, walking backwards in the recording studio's halls.
"Me, either," Chris admits.
"Exactly!" Lance agrees.
"The next tour will be INSANE!" Joey shouts, holding his head.
"We need to get through this one and then finish the next album," I remind Joey. "I'm excited, too, guys and you know Cassie has to clear it on top of everyone else."

Halfway through our lunch, Bobbie bursts in like her hair caught on fire and a letter on orange lined paper in hand. Oh, jeeze, here we go again. "Who the hell is this from, JC?"
I watch the letter as she shakes it at me. "Let me see it and I can fucking tell you," I growl.
She allows me to take it, folding her arms and I read the first sentence. I know exactly who wrote it. "Chris' little cousin, Pookie, babe. She always writes 'I love you' to all of us."
She looks at the other four guys and they confirm it, forcing her to breakdown.

*~*Today, Right now (5:27p)*~*
My house phone rings and I check the caller ID, confused why she'd call me now. "Hey-"
"What did you see 2 months ago?"
"What?"
"What did you see that night we got back from the club before him?"
"Oh! That night! I can't remember much."
I know I nearly drank myself into oblivion after a fight with Bobbie over Cass. "Thanks, JC," she says, releasing a sigh of relief and clueless that I suspect her of something. I've known her far too long not to, aware I just lied to her and it's not my place to get involved without being asked.
"Why do you ask?"
"I thought you may spread a rumor or that something may start a fight between Justin and I."
"Nope, I drank too much to even recall how I got from the club to my hotel room and in bed." Lie #2.
"Ok," she replies, giggling. "Talk to you soon, JC."
"Later." I place my cordless back on its base and shake my head at how gullible Brit is sometimes.

We walked into a tattoo shop together and he began talking to an artist, something about an arm band for him. I'm patiently and anxiously awaiting for my chance to add to the conversation, some of the tattoo boards catching my eye. I walk over to them and begin flipping through them. "Baby?"
"What's up, Cass?"
"Why don't you get this?" I ask, pointing to a shark.
He comes to look at it, considering it and nods. "You have to get something ocean related," he reminds me, kissing my neck from behind me.
I flip through some more and settle on a trio of dolphins jumping out of the water and smile to myself over it. "This one."
"Okay, baby."
The dolphins will signify three important dates to me, all having personal meanings to me. It's now February 9, 1999 and Chris' group is pretty big. Justin found one of Trace's cousins about a month ago, DNA done and turns out she had been adopted at 5 months old. Her name is Hermonie, she's 17 and her birthday is the day they played in Boston or Worcester, Massachusetts. I think that was on January 10, but she had no clue why she had been drawn to Trace's stupid self.
I sit in the chair to be inked and strip out of my pants, indicating that I want it to be on the inside of my right thigh. Nick and Jenissa (the artist) look at each other. "Are you sure, hon?" she asks me.
"Positive."
"Baby, that's gonna hurt the whole time it heals," he warns me.
"You'll understand why when you hear the dates I want hidden in it-June 16 for the first dolphin, October 31 for the second and June 9 for the third."
"Makes sense as to why you'd want that there," he comments with a sly smirk, kissing me.
"Let me draw it out and press it there," Jenissa informs us, prepped to ink us and she goes to the light table to illustrate it for me. "What do these dates mean to you?" She questions, pressing it to my inner thigh and interrupting the quiet conversation Nick and I were having.
"June 16 refers to the June I turned 16, October 31 is our official anniversary and June 9 is when we first made love."
"Sounds personal to you both."
"It is," Nick replies, kissing me. "I want the same dates in the shading of my shark."
"They're in the fins in hers," she tells him, weaving his name and mine into the waves of the water. She incorporates a heart between our names easily.

She whipped mine out pretty quickly, switching her supplies out as we switch places and I straddle him. I have 2 or 3 gauze over the new ink, minimizing the pain and Neosporin slathered on it to prevent infection. When she returns, we're kissing and she stands behind him to catch my eye. "Where do you want it?" she inquires.
Nick smirks, reaching his right arm between us and puts his hand over his left arm just below the shoulder on the outside. Putting it there would make it nearly impossible to cover up. "Right there." He looks at the paper and scrunches up his face at it. "Where are the dates?"
"Along the back of the shark," she points them out for him and I smirk, seeing how small she had done it for him. Our initials are hidden as well.
"Go for it and she's going to distract me," he informs her, grabbing me by the back of the neck gently to guide my face to his for a lip lock session and I softly groan into his mouth.
"You can't move your left arm, Nick," she reminds him.
"Sorry, it's instinct to grab her with both hands," he apologizes with a dirty grin.
I kiss him and he groans in pain, putting his right hand on my stomach. "Focus on me, Nick," I say, lightly brushing my fingers over his torso.
"How long have you been together?" she inquires, working on the dates to construct its back and fin.
"Almost 4 years," I tell her.
"Why two dates in June?"
"June 16 is the day we kissed for the first time the year she turned 16 and the other -OW!- one is when we first... y'know," explains between waves of pain.
"Poor baby," I tease, giggling.
"Sure, it's-OW!-funny to-OW!-you," he growls at me, bedroom eyes focused on me.
"Told you it wouldn't tickle," I reiterate, giving him a told you so face.
"Later," he groans.
Jenissa chuckles at us, how we tease each other and all the sexual innuendoes we use. "You two are the most interesting clients I've had in 3 weeks," she informs us.
"Yeah?" I question cautiously and she nods. "Why are we so entertaining?"
"It's how you interact-teasing each other, how you distract him and the way you talk to each other."
"At least," he starts saying, pausing to hiss and wince in pain, "someone's enjoying it."
"Yeah, me and your girlfriend are really enjoying it," she laughs.
"Now I have two tattoos and I didn't whine nearly as much as you! My first one was right on my hip bone on top of that!"
When I laugh, he digs his fingers into my left thigh and I inhale sharply. "Seems like he found a way to transfer the pain."
"Nope, just making sure he's rewarded later," I groan, my jaw clenched.
"Hmm, interesting way. I take it you like pain?"
"When he does inflict the right amount, he ensures he's gonna get some."
"I am today," he informs me more than Jenissa, a dirty chuckle escaping his throat and his arousal is evident below me and in his eyes. "Fuck."
"Later," I retort playfully.
She looks at me when she goes for ink, her eyes stuck on mine and she freezes in place. I look at Nick and he gives me the grin that drives me wild, releasing the chuckle that always gets us into some sort if trouble. "She stopped because your eyes have green and blue in them, baby."
I laugh, effortlessly sounding sexy and he chuckles. "Might not make it the 10 blocks home."
"I've never seen eyes like yours, never mind someone's eyes change from dark honey to what yours are now," she confesses, shaking his head and continuing his tattoo.
"Pretty, aren't they?" he asks.
"Unique, actually."
"One of her best qualities," he admits, receiving a kiss after it from me.
"Thank you, baby," I coo.

My phone rings in my ass pocket and I look at the caller's information, answering it happily. "Hey, you! Been awhile."
"Ha! I know. Where you at?"
"Tat shop with Nick."
Nick's eyes are glued to me, the caller groaning. "When will you be home?"
"Why? What's up?"
"I wanna talk to you alone."
"What about?"
"Nick."
"Why?" I ask, looking at my boyfriend expectantly and he answers with a confused expression.
"When can we meet? Where's a good place?"
"Meet me at Chris', I have to be out there for dinner anyway."
"What about him?"
"He's going to his friend's to chill while I'm in 'Lando."
Jenissa wipes his arm for the final time. "You're done. Check it out in the mirror."
I let him up. "That works out perfectly."
"Yeah," I say slowly, narrowing my eyes at Nick, "see you then."
I hang up, shoving it in my back pocket as he grins at it and I can tell he's happy he got the ink done. "Justin wants to talk to me about you." I fold my arms and look at him through the mirror and he looks into my eyes, turning to hold me.
"Did he say why?" He kisses me softly.
"No clue why."
"Are you keeping secrets?"
"No, none," he tells me, having thought about it as we walk to the front counter to pay for the body art.
Of course I believed him then. "Okay. Just hope I don't find out otherwise from someone else," I warn him.

I knock at Brent's door, fully aware Bryn is here and that they're together. "About damn time you show your face!" he jokes and I pretend to laugh as she walks up behind him.
"What's wrong, Nick?" she asks, reading me like you can see through a brand new window.
I sigh as I enter her apartment, shaking my head. "Sit down, man," Brent tells me.
I sit down and Bryn gives me the sad eyes. "No, we didn't end it. I think Justin is going to BLOW my cover today."
"Why would you do it, knowing she'd find out?" Brent observes.
"I lied to her once about it, almost getting busted the night before and she nagged me for 3 fucking days after!"
"You can't keep lying to her, Nick! Look what it did to us!" Bryn yells.
"You have to tell her, man," Brent agrees with his girl and my ex at the same time.
"What is he lying about?"
"Think about what he said about Justin and his cover, babe."
She thinks for a minute before she slugs me, her face contorted in pure anger. "Who's ass do I kick for getting you fucking hooked on that shit? Where was your mind? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!" she rambles.
"AJ pressured me and I caved. I wish I knew."
"How long?" she demands, smacking my new tattoo.
"OW! Watch where you hit me!" I yell, rubbing my arm. "A year or two."
"You could lose her," he comments.
"I'm aware of that."
"Tell her," they say at the same exact time.
"When the time is right."
"Now would be best," Bryn tells me, pissed off with me. Just imagine how mad Cassie would be when she finds out.

My phone rings and it's her, so I answer. "Hey, baby," I greet her.
"Have you done things behind my back I should know about? Maybe like drugs?"
Bryn is giving me the evil eye, motioning for me to tell her and as much as I want to-it WON'T come out. "I told you I smoke, babe."
She smacks her face, leaving the room and Brent follows. I hear Cassie smack Justin hard. "Stop lying, Ramenhead," she growls at him. "See you when I get home. Love you."
"Love you, too."

"Nick, you fucking lied to her again!" Bryn screams at me, slapping the back of my head.
"Bryn, he's going to get himself in so deep that he'll have no choice but to confess."
"I hope he's caught before that and by HER," she snaps.

They sit together and whisper between themselves. "One year and then I'm telling her myself," Brent informs me.
"Six months before I do," Bryn tells me. The way they're talking, I have NO room to barter with them.

I can't believe she thinks I'm lying to her about this! C'mon I seen him do it myself, my eyes didn't deceive me that night and it's now been burned into my memory! "JC, help me out here!"
"You're the one who saw it, she won't believe you and she won't listen to us," he rationalizes, admitting complete defeat.
"He does have a valid point," Joey agrees, rubbing his face with his hands.
"She has to believe Lance!" I argue.
"Nope. Get proof and then bring it up again," he suggests moments before she comes within earshot.
She looks at Chris, asking him something in Spanish and he shakes his head. "That's what I thought."
"Anyone else hungry?" JC inquires, changing the subject.
"Let's go," Joey says, grabbing the keys.
"Vamos," she tells us, walking in the direction of the door and we follow her.

Once we order, she looks at me. "Nothing more to say, hmm?" she snips at me quietly.
She's really pissed. "Nah, I said what I had to say."
"I hope nothing like this is brought up again, right?" she demands.
"Not without proof it won't," I fire back.
She laughs, not a 'it's funny' laugh cuz it's more of a 'I don't believe you could get proof' sort of laugh. "Sure, Justin," she scoffs.
I will get the proof needed to make her believe the truth I'm telling her, even if it takes years and I'll stop at nothing to obtain it! I will fucking expose him!
"So, Cass," Lance slowly comments, "how's the managing gig going?"
"Pretty well, the pay is good, the acts I manage and co-manage are doing well enough not to have any troubles with the labels." She nods.

Chris brought up tattoos to terrorize JC and she indulges the design of it, making him shudder. "Where is it?" Lance inquires, curious.
"On the inside of my thigh near the top."
"Which one?" JC wonders out loud.
"The right one. Why would it matter?" she slowly replies.
He smirks, dirty thoughts flooding his perverted mind and Chris smacks him on the arm. "Ow! Just curious is all," he partially admits.
"You better find that wandering mind before my fist discovers your face, pretty boy," I barely hear Chris threaten JC.
"-he got me tiger lillies," she gushes, looking love sick as Joey signs he'd rather not hear about Nick.

Our seating arrangement? On my side of the table it's me, Cass and Joey while Chris is across from her, JC to his right and Lance to his left (across from Joey).

Me? Determined? Just slightly. I know it's gonna hurt her to know the truth, but she deserves to know because he IS HER BOYFRIEND. Why would he lie about something that makes him feel so guilty when he hides it from her? Why hide anything from her? Why cheat? Why lie? I don't understand the logic behind any of it, that shit destroys all relationships. Hell, Amy stopped talking to me when she found out about me being with Britney because Trace told her months after I started seeing B, admitting she would've preferred me to be with Cassie. That had been a shock to me and it made everyone else laugh boisterously for a few minutes.
"-not involve him?" JC groans.
"Yeah, there's work and other information pertaining to it."
"How about the prick?" Joey asks.
"He was arrested in San Diego a few days ago and is awaiting arraignment and trial," she indulges, talking about a guy who shot at her in Tampa and fled.



Ch 16
Why didn't I mention being shot at before? It was an isolated incident and he's now in custody, being extradited to Tampa now and the government had gotten involved because he'd been targeting me by order of the gang my dad had been playing lawyer for. He must have been new because he gave up names when he was told he would be tried for 25 to life, my memory being jogged by what he yelled at the boardwalk. 'He knew we'd come after you when he said he wasn't helping us!' were his exact words, moments before opening fire and I was thankful I had been alone. Nick had taught me the ins and outs about the docks. I jumped over the side, rolling out of my landing and ran to my car. When he slammed on my window, I snapped a few pictures of him and it made apprehending him all the more easier.
"Can you believe he didn't even care, 'Lan?" I ask, angry with the man who gave me 1/2 of my DNA.
"Sounds like him, though."

I get back to Chris' and kick back, a text coming in and I read it. I respond to it, putting the annoying thing on my cousin's coffee table and sitting back on his couch with my feet on either side of the device. "We missed you, Pook."
"I know, 'Lan. It's harder now that I'm their only manager," I reiterate.
"I wish you had longer breaks than you do."
"In time we'll all have longer breaks."
"You're managing how many acts?"
"Five so far."
"What's your limit?"
"Nine."
"Oh, you're almost at your max, then."
"Yes. I've been told I'm being requested by other acts like this Jessica Simpson girl and Jordan Knight."
"That'll make seven."
"Ryan Gosling wants me to manage his acting career and Drew Lachey is requesting me for the group he's in, 98 something," I admit, waving my hand at the whole thing.
"You mean 98 degrees?" he asks.
"Yeah, them. How are Titi and the girls?"
"They're doing good. Mom's thrilled about only having Kate and Tay home. Molly and Emmy are both in college."
"I bet," I chuckle. "Kate's in what grade now?"
"Kate's a sixth grader and Tay's in third."
"She skipped a grade?" I shouldn't be too surprised, but I am.
"Yeah, she took her first grade SAM and other tests three weeks in, passing with 97's or higher."
"I'm proud of her!"
"I was, too and still am."
I glance at the red numbers on the cable box and groan. "I have to head home before it gets too late," I tell him, rubbing my eyes.
He offers me his hands to help me off his overly comfortable couch and I take it, hugging him when I'm on my feet.
"Love you, Pook."
"Love you, too, 'Lan. Thanks for tonight. I'll call you next week."
"Don't forget any numbers!"

I'm sitting in the living room, anxiously waiting for her to come home as I listen to the broken record of Bryn and Brent's promises to tell her if I don't. 'TELL HER OR WE DO.' Look at what I've gotten myself into, scared to confess this to her. I feel as if I'd slept with one of her closest girlfriends, but it's not why. I know I need to tell her, but it's so hard to tell her and its because I'm easily distracted by her.
The sound of her car pulling up to the house tells me I've run out of time to tell her, no time to figure out how to word it. She walks up the path, the sound of her key unlocking the door makes me countdown in my mind. I mentally scold myself for hiding this from her.
"Hey," she greets me, sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of me and taking my hands in hers.
"Hey, babe."
"What's up?" she asks me.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, Cassie moving to sit beside me on the couch to rest her head on my leg. I squeeze her hands and look into her honey drops. "Remember when we used to fight about the shit AJ was doing? The fight on the Backstreet's Back Tour?"
"Yeah," she slowly replies, squinting her eyes at me.
"Well, he has been doing blow," I begin leading into it.
"And?"
"Justin and JC weren't lying to you-I have been for the past year or two," I confess, feeling like an asshole instantly.
She sits up, smacks my chest and leaves without another word which makes me feel even worse about not telling her before.

"You did what?!" AJ screams at me. He drove down here, planning on surprising us with a movie night and playing on the game systems. He wanted to chill, but I ruined it.
"I told her." I hang my head, scraping the edge of my fingernails with the thumbnail on the other hand.
"What'd you fucking do that for, man?!" he shouts, slamming his hands on my counter.
I bite my tongue, silence enveloping us and the front door slams. He's been here nearly half an hour. "Because he's not your lying ass!" she bites at him.
"Hello to you, too," he sarcastically remarks.
"How long you been on it? Two years? Three? Four?" she snaps at him, her hands on her hips when she stops to stand against the side of my table and leans back on it
He's silent. "Fuck you, Cassandrya! I'm leaving," he growls, rushing for the door.
"You open that door and I call Johnny, Fatima and the label," she warns.
I know I fucked up, so I keep my head down and my mouth shut. "What about him?" AJ snarls, meaning me.
"I'm gonna take what she dishes out and try to be good to her from now on," I comment, illustrating invisible drawings on the countertop in front of me using my finger.
He scoffs. "Right."
"Shut it and siantité, cabrón," Cassie orders him sternly.
I hear the anger in her voice, not feeling up to fighting with her right now. I hear my tall bar chair pull away from the counter, feeling a small pocket of chilly air brush my side when he does as she commanded. "What?" he groans, her eyes most likely glaring at him.
"Face me, Nickolas," she demands and I oblige. "Alexander, how long? Don't bother lying to me because I can recall when you started being a dick pretty well."
"The night after we broke up and I was high when you punched me," angrily admits, folding his arms. He hates being cornered for any reason.
"That's what I thought. That means by the time Nick and I had first slept together, you'd been on it for nearly a year." She shakes her head, disappointed in us both. "Nickolas?"
"Almost a year now."
"Honestly," she growls through her clenched teeth.
"20 months." I drop my head again.
"After I found out and I called them liars, it turns out you two are the ones telling all the lies!" she yells at us, thrusting her arm out toward the living room and pointing out of the window.
She's in no mood to hear us begin apologizing, so we remain quiet. "Should I drive home?" AJ inquires.
She glances at the clock, her eyes settling back on us and releases an angry sigh. "It's almost midnight, so pick a guest room and I'll take a different one."
She drops her head into her hand, her elbow resting on the other arm. AJ walks off to find a room and I walk over to her, one of her hands placed on my chest stops me. She's pushing me away, her head rocking from side to side. "Cass-"
"Don't touch me. We will talk about this tomorrow when we get up. Leave me alone until then," she warns me.

I lay on the guest bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering if I'm even trustworthy in her eyes anymore. I pushed him into it, pressured him until he caved. Now we're both in deep and I wonder if she's keeping to her word, curious about which room she's in. I guess Nick's smarter than I am when it come her, he doesn't lie to her and if I were smarter-. Nope, not going there. Forget it.
I don't know why I didn't let her call them and blab about it, having to deal with it later I guess I just don't want to hear it from them, it's just easier to handle when it's her. Yes, our break up caused me to try it, allowing myself to get hooked and I'm the one to blame for letting myself to become addicted. I can't blame her for anything, even the break up had been my fault. She got tired of my bullshit and I would've too if I were her.
I wonder how much this is tearing the both of them apart inside, trying to grasp the whole mechanics of their relationship and I can't even begin to understand it. When they're good, it's the best and when they aren't, well, let's just say it's hideous. They seem so perfect, but if you could see what I do...

I hear him writing in his room, obvious by his singing it to himself and I hear the pain in his voice. He really does love her. I think he's writing one side of the story, a guitar telling the other half. Cass's vocal abilities confirm it.
They sound like they'd become good songs if they were to be recorded and released, one song answering the other. His sounds like a cry for help, hers is more like a confession of how she views the situation and its driving me crazy. I get up and knock on his bedroom door, his automatic response welcoming me in. "-I've fallen down so far, I think I'll never see your light bouncing off of me, shining down here from your eyes," he softly sings, because he's stuck.
"Help me figure out the difference between right and wrong, weak and strong, day and night, where I belong. Help me make the right decisions, know which way to turn, lessons to learn, just in my persistence," I sing, offering up the words.
"It's like I got the signals crossed with messages I can't decode," he continues as I leave, quietly shutting the door behind me.
I enter the guest bedroom at the other end of the hall from the master bedroom. "-give me just a second, what am I to do? Maybe it's an obsession, but this is my confession. I confess, every time I come around, something's always got you down and I don't understand why. And if you wanna tell me, I'll be the angel on your shoulder, baby," she croons at a barely audible level as she strums on the acoustic she's had for awhile now.
She keeps strumming the chords, unable to continue the verse on her own and I help her as well. "I'll be the man you confide in," I suggest.
She writes it down, able to continue now. "Thanks." She refocuses on her task. "But I can't seem to run, get you out that place. Everything you do is just erasing the pain, bye-bye, of the hatred, I can't ask why. And I want you to know when you're floating in space, I want you to know if you ever come back down and I need you to know I wanna breathe you, I wanna feel you near. This is my confession. I wanna see what you see when you cry those tears, this is my confession," she finishes the chorus, opening her eyes and looks at me. She reaches out and a silver device clicks, a sad sigh escaping her lips. "Why do I care?"
"Because you love him."
"Why do I love him?"
"He's what you need, someone who loves you back for who you are. He treats you better than almost everyone."
"Alex, what do I do? What do I say? Should I still love him? Should I stay? Do I let go? Does he even want my help? Do you?" she rants, her thoughts jumbled and the song made it evident at first.
"Talk to him, you two need a heart to heart and he wants your help more than I do. We both know that, Cass. Follow your heart, but think it through before taking a blind leap," I admit, nothing but honesty spoken with each syllable and I tell her what her aunt told me years ago.
She nods, curling her body into a fetal position on the huge bean bag chair and begins to doze off to be greeted by silence in the hall with both doors shut.

I wake up, hearing silence greet me and check my phone. I have a crazy amount of texts and a ton of missed calls, all need answers. A Detroit number catches my eye, piquing my curiosity and I call it. "Aaliyah Haughton," a familiar voice greets me, but my mind draws a blank for a face.
"Hello, this is Cassandrya Kirkpatrick. I believe you called me awhile ago," I tell her.
"You're Chris' cousin/manager, right?"
"There's many Chrises in this industry."
"The one in *NSYNC, Nick Carter's girl, hon," she checks.
"Yes, that's me. How did you obtain my number?"
"AJ Mc-" she begins, my head shaking.
"He's dead," I grumble.
She laughs "I'm sorry, 'Drya. He said you wouldn't mind helping me with some routines, songs or the recording process. I apologize if I've overstepped any sort of boundaries."
Duh! I forgot I could do all that! I've been managing these guys far too long! "Oh, no! Not at all! What do you need, Aaliyah?"
"I need a background vocalist, a routine for TRL and a ghost producer/engineer. Could you also help me with a few songs for my self-titled album I've just begun recording?"
"All at once?" I ask, surprised.
"No," she chuckles. "The TRL routine and then we can work on the album once that over unless you're comfortable with sending discs and ideas via email or regular mail."
"Definitely."
"Would you mind if I overnight some lyrics and backtracks for you to work on?" she excitedly inquires.
"Sure, I also need the song you're going to perform on TRL."
"It's called 'Turn The Page', 'Drya," she informs me.
"Whoa! Is it going on the MOH soundtrack?" I question, almost sure I've heard the guys talking about it.
"Yeah, how did-. No, wait," she giggles, "Chris told you."
"Actually Justin and Josh claimed to have seen you leaving the studio in New York a few months ago and I thought they were exaggerating."
She laughs. "Oh, lawd! They do it often I'm guessing."
"Too often," I confirm, rolling my eyes. "Is it an uptempo or slow?"
"Slow."
"Just walk around the stage and interact with your fans by the edge of it."
"Thanks! I'm sending out materials to you tonight and you should have them in the next couple days. Do I send them to Chris' house or Nick's?"
"Nick's and make sure it says care of Nick Carter."
"Will do. Thanks again!" she chirps.
"You're welcome. Talk to you later."
"Bye," she confirms, disconnecting the call.
I look at the phone strangely before smiling. AJ does think of someone other than himself once in awhile. Now I'm going to be busy for the next year or two during all the breaks, maybe I should thank him.

I've been talking and texting and emailing Pookie about Nick, their relationship for nearly 3 days. It's all over what Justin and JC had been telling the truth about, Nick and AJ being the ones who lied and she's already apologized for her initial reaction. I call her and wait for her to answer, my foot causing my leg to bounce anxiously. "-still mad at you, Nick! AJ, I wouldn't laugh if I were you cuz you're in even fucking deeper, asshole!" she screams at the two of them, more than sure it's me calling. "Hey, 'Lan," she sighs into the phone.
She's doing that quite often now, even more so since Nick told her the truth and it worries me. "What's up, prima?" I casually ask her.
"Primo," she says, sounding ready to cry and I hear a door click shut on her end, "what do I do? Te amo Nick pero he lied. I want to trust him, but I'm scared he's just going to do it again to me. I want to let him back in, but I'm afraid to trust him like I once did."
"Pook, I can't choose for you and I wish I could. I understand why you feel like this and I can help you sort it out, but I just want my happy little cousin back. I've talked to him and he's beating himself up worse than you ever could, doubting if he deserves you. The guy doesn't blame you one bit, in fact he only blames himself for caving under Alex's pressure," I inform her, a bite to my words.
"What would you do if you were in my situation?"
Been there, done that and Pookie doesn't know about it. "Talk to the other person, have a serious heart to heart and agree to some ground rules."
"Mmm," she hums, uncertain if it would work. I know she wants it to because she loves him, wants to make it better for both of them and have this be her forever. I know she still has feelings for JC, but her heart is Nick's and I'm confident JC will get a chance with her. "What about Alex?"
"Make it known that doing that shit can ruin what he's worked so hard for and that you're looking out for him not only as his manager, but as his friend as well."
"Okay, 'Lan."
"The sooner you do this, the better for all three of you and the group. Please, I want my favorite baby cousin happy again," I barter with her.
"Alright, primo. I'll do it tonight."
"Love you, bebe prima."
"Te amo, primo."
"Tell me how it turns out."
"Yeah. Bye."
"Bye."
I hang up, get to my feet and slip my sneakers on. I grab my wallet and keys, heading out the door. I wrote a note for my mom and sisters, letting them know I'd be at Lance and Joey's if they need me at all before 8:30 tonight. I call Joey's house, his voice greeting me after a couple rings. "Hey, man," he happily says.
"Is it still cool if I come hang out with you and Lance?" I ask, locking the front door to my house.
"Yeah, he's kicking my ass in Scrabble."
"Be there in ten."
"Alright, see you then."
"Later." I drop my cell phone into the center console and start the car after the call had been disconnected.
I laugh when I get inside Joey's, Lance adamantly telling Joey what he'd put down isn't a word because it's a proper noun. I enter the living room and listen to Joey childishly argue for a few moments. Lance looks at means waves me over, pointing at the word. "Hey, Chris. Is this a word he can use?"
He put down Jackson and I chuckle. "Sorry, Joe, he's right."
He groans and unwillingly removes it from the board. I know why when I sit next to him on the couch, he has jack shit for letters and most of the board is covered already. I sit back and watch them play for the next 15 minutes, silent.

I get lost in my thoughts, unaware they're almost done putting it away. "You talk to Sandy today?" Joey asks.
"Huh?"
They chuckle and Joey repeats the question, my head bobbing to confirm that I had. "So what's going on with her and Nick's snag?"
"They're going to have a heart to heart and come to a mutual agreement about the whole situation."
"That's good," Lance comments, putting the game in its spot on the game book shelves. "At least they're going to work it out and hopefully we get the happy CJ back after this; I don't like when she's hurting this bad."
"I don't either, Poofoo," I confess.
"None of us do, especially JC. Have you seen how much it's upset him?" Joey points out.
"He seemed pretty distracted by it at rehearsal last night," I agree.
"He told me after it happened, the next day, that she called him that night crying and begged him to forgive her for not listening to the truth," Lance informs me.
It strikes me funny, something that she usually doesn't do and I know she hadn't called me until the morning after. "She did mention apologizing to JC, but not another detail about it. Did she ever apologize to Justin?"
"He hasn't said anything about it if she has," Lance tells me.
"Why wouldn't he? That's a wound he'd love to rub salt into," Joey comments, rubbing the facial hair around his mouth with a curious look in his eye.
"She never apologized to him," JC informs us, making the three of us jump when we hear him. He's leaning on the wall by the living room entrance from the front hall. He has on basketball shorts in Orlando Magic colors, a black short sleeve shirt and high tops. His short hair is askew and he hasn't shaved in the past few days, overall looking like hell.
"Why only you, C?" Lance demands to know.
"Man, have you forgotten?" he fires back, pushing off the wall and pointing to his temple.
Lance did, his confused expression confirming it and the three of us groan. "Dude, think back to the beginning of the Second II None leg," Joey reminds him.
He looks more befuddled and JC drops his head into his hands, growling. "I like her, she likes me and she's still mad about Nikki almost 9 years later. I tore her apart emotionally and she comes down hardest on me, as if my parents don't remind me enough."
"Oh, yeah. But why only ask for you to forgive her?"
"She knows that every time I think of her, it hurts me to face the fact we're not together," he shyly admits.
"She told you that?" I inquire.
"No, I heard her talking to Joey a couple years ago and I eavesdropped on the conversation from outside the room in Germany. There's quite a bit I know from eavesdropping when it comes to her."
"Like what?" Joey demands, arms folded over his chest.
"How she feels about me, what she wishes would've happened to us back then and that it breaks her heart to see me in emotional pain," he rambles off a few examples, counting them off on his fingers and knowing he's right.
Those facts are true, she's only told Joey and I those things in confidence. It makes me wonder what else he knows from listening in on conversations over the past few years.

~*~ A little while later~*~
Justin came over about 20 minutes ago and confirmed that she never apologized to him, he hadn't heard from her since he saw her just before Nick told her that night we all went to dinner with her. "Nothing at all?"
"Not even an email, but it makes sense now and I understand why she called C to ask for him to forgive her, though," the 19 year old explains, looking at his wrist and his finger begins to ghost write Britney's name there.
"Aren't you mad?" Lance asks, quizzical about it.
"No, I don't blame her I mean, her and JC have some serious history between them and I was there to watch part of it."
JC pulls out a piece of computer paper from his shorts' pocket and looks at it for a few seconds, placing it on the coffee table. "Read this and you guys will understand."
I grab it first and know it's more than a single sheet of paper, reading one at a time before passing each one to Joey. I had no clue he felt this strongly for her. 'Drop The Ball', 'Dear Goodbye', 'Everything You Want', 'Lose Myself', and 'Right Here (By Your Side)' are here on paper with some that remain untitled in our hands. "I thought it was a crush or puppy love type deal on your end all these years, C. I didn't know you felt like this about her," I confess, shocked as I point to the papers.
"Now you understand why I got pissed when Justin sent her copies of them back then, I love her and I'm pretty sure she won't date me," he sadly tells us, slowly raising his eyes to meet ours and keeps his head down. He's wringing his fingers, nervous and now I understand why he acts the way does around her since they met.
"Honestly, I didn't like you at first, but you grew on me and if she didn't force me to get to know you, we wouldn't be *NSYNC today. At least not the one we are," I remind him.
"Yeah, we were inseparable back then and now she fronts like she wants nothing to do with me," he agrees, a smirk appearing when he thinks of those memories.
"You may have saved her all the pain she's had if you asked her out instead of Nikki or Bobbie," Joey observes.
"You'd be happier, too," Justin adds.
"She would be," Lance comments.
"Maybe, but would she have gone to Julliard? Would she be a co-managing us? Would she be managing anyone she is now? I never wanted to interfere with any of it, couldn't bear to be the one to hold her back," he rationalizes.