1

Settling in Los Angeles permanently after college wasn’t easy, but really, what’s easy about packing up and leaving everything behind to start an exciting new life?  Nothing, I’ll tell you that much.  My name is Lauren Taylor and I am an official blip on the LA radar as of a few weeks ago.  A little meaningless nothing, really.  Vapor.  Back in Illinois, I didn’t feel half as invisible.  Despite living near one of the biggest cities in America, I had a sense of home there, and I knew everybody that lived with in a five mile radius of my parents house.  On the weekends, my friends and I would usually drive the hour to Chicago, spend our time shopping and laughing about stupid things that don’t matter in the real world.

High school flew by.  In the blink of an eye I went from timid freshman, to socializing senior with college applications to fill out. I knew I wanted to go into marketing, and so I applied at all different schools across the country.  My parents were fine with it, even though they were secretly hoping that I’d stay in state.  I think from the beginning, I knew I wouldn’t be.  I needed to live, to get out there and figure out who I really was.  So when I was accepted at West Los Angles College, I didn’t hesitate.  It was hard of course.  My mom cried and all that before they left me at the dorms that hot August day.  I have to admit though, when they finally walked out, I was extremely excited.  

It was freedom, excitement, in the heart of Los Angeles.

I enjoyed college.  I did.  I probably partied a little too much, but I guess that was part of the experience.  My favorite part about the area, was being able to see almost any concert that was on tour.  The Staples Center was a god send...

Especially when it came to Justin Timberlake and his solo thrusts...

Growing up, I turned into somewhat of a boy band junkie.  *NSYNC was my band of choice, and naturally, since I can’t resist pretty boys, Justin Timberlake covered nearly all of my walls.  For my sweet sixteen, my parents surprised me with a pair of front row tickets to the Pop Odyssey tour, and I took my best friend, Claire.  I can still remember the magic of that night, the feeling inside of me when the guy at the door ripped our tickets and we stepped through the door to the venue, knowing where I would be sitting.  My heart raced as we bought some t-shirts and decided to go to our seats, and it nearly stopped when one of the ushers escorted us down to the very front row.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but we squealed like two little girls when we finally sat down, and I remember...looking over to the side at one point, only to see a flash of blue staring out at us before slinking back behind an inky black curtain.

To this day, I’m sure it was him, and I wish so bad that I could have...I dunno...jumped on the stage and ran over to him so I could proclaim my undying love.

You see, we were supposed to get married, him and I.

Actually, the teenager that lives inside of me is convinced that we still will...one day.

I don’t share my psychotic fantasy with anybody here.  My roommates would think I was a fucking nutcase.  Sure, they know about my little obsession with JT, because I still have a couple of pics that I took last time I saw him in concert, tacked above my bed.  They call it my ‘Trousersnake fantasy’, and I assure them that nobody calls him that anymore.  

It’s really sad, but I miss him.  I miss him because he doesn’t make music anymore and all I really want is to be able to see him play again, because when he plays and sings and dances...it makes me forget about the stresses that come with working, paying rent, and sharing a one bathroom apartment with four other women.

It’s hell.  I can’t wait until I have enough to get a place of my own.

“Seriously? It’s December first.”

I wrap the blanket tighter around my shoulders, glance at her slightly, but don’t say a word.  I just turn the volume up on the laptop, and sip my cocoa as I continue to read an article my boss sent me to look over for tomorrow.

I’ll show you how good it could be...

I wish that Santa could be here to see...

It’s beautiful under my tree...

“Lauren.”

I look up again.  Stephanie is standing there, hands on her hips, rolling her eyes and tapping her foot impatiently.  “Yes?”

“I can’t take this...listening to that stuff.  Can’t you put on headphones or something?”

I shrug.  “Headphones are broken.  Maybe you can just go in the other room.”

She throws her hands up.  “When the hell are you going to grow up? NSYNC was so like...twenty five years ago.  You need to get a life...or something.”

“Sorry.”

“Well are you going to turn it down?”

“Nope.”  I grin at her, and turn the volume up even higher.

She screams.  She actually screams, and puts her hands over her ears as she storms away.

Where the hell was my brain when I decided to move in with these people?  Oh yeah, we were closer once upon a time, before they got all refined and shit, started to leech off their rich men to survive.  Out of all of us, I’m the only one that has an actual job, and is focusing on a career.  They hate that.  The want the party girl back that I used to be...

But I guess I grew up after all.

With a sigh, I decide to retreat into my bedroom.  The other girls will be home shortly, and I don’t need to listen to their BS about me and my supposed ‘pitiful’ existence.  I snap the laptop closed, gather up the blanket and my phone and barricade myself in the bedroom.  Once in bed, I open the laptop again, and turn the Home For Christmas album back on.  It’s a ritual.  Right after Thanksgiving, every year, sometimes even before, I start listening non stop.  It reminds me more of home, of the people there that I’ll always consider my best friends, and it gets me to smile.

My eyes close, and I drift off to sleep as Justin begins his sultry solo.

Slow dance together, two become one, thats what we’ve waited all day for...

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I groan and roll over to hit the snooze function on my iPhone, as I normally do every weekday morning.  After, I fall back to sleep for another twenty minutes, before the alarm sounds again, and then I’m forced to start my work day.

But today...something is different.

My arm feels like it’s on top of something...

Or somebody.

“Baby...”  

I hear a tender laugh, as my arm is lowered back by my side, and immediately I’m wide awake.

God...oh God...some creep from the streets has crawled into bed with me...

Shit.

Jesus.

But then he sits up.  He sits up and...and I’m not scared anymore.

I’m not scared but I do feel like I’m going to crap my pants.  That is, if I had pants on.  I realize I’m in a silky little nighty, and nothing else.

“That’s the second morning this week that you whacked me in the face.”  

Justin Timberlake leans down, plants a kiss on my lips, and smiles back at me.  

Okay, wake up.  Wake up.  You’re going to be late for work, so wake up, right fucking now.

“Babe?”

He looks confused, like he doesn’t understand why the hell I’m staring at him like a lost little puppy.  He’s...shirtless, just in his boxers, like we do this every single day of the week.  I look around.  This isn’t my apartment.  Not at all.  This place is big.  It’s a bedroom, a master bedroom with a....fuck...a...a balcony and an adjoining bathroom.

I’m dreaming.

I have to be dreaming.

I shake my head roughly.

“Lauren.”  

Shit, he knows my name.

His expression grows serious and he reaches out to touch his hand to my cheek.  It’s warm, inviting, and when I reach up and touch his hand...I really feel it there.  When I meet his gaze he’s staring back at me with those blue eyes that melt me right down to the core, like he’s a little worried, like he’s in love with me.

In love with me.

“What is it?” He laughs.  “Bad dream?”

“I...um...how...how long has this been going on?”

He chuckles.  “You had too much to drink last night didn’t you?  I told you not to drink that stuff Trace was mixing up.  You should know better by now.”

“Trace?” I say it like I’m stupid.  Of course I know who Trace is, he’s Justin’s best friend, but right now, he’s acting as if I’m friends with the guy.

He’s also acting like he’s my boyfriend or something.

How the hell did I get here?

“Yeah...Trace, you know...my best friend? The guy that’s about to be my best man?”

“Oh...” I trail off and swallow hard, allowing what he just said to sink in completely.  Best man.  He’s getting married.  I look down at my left hand.

Oh wow.

There’s a big fat diamond on my finger that wasn’t there yesterday.  I look back into those eyes of his.  They’re bright, glinting with happiness.

Obviously, he’s getting married to me.

“You sure you’re all right?” He laughs, and kisses me one more time before he slides out of the bed and starts toward the bathroom.  “You’re all dazed.”

“I’ll um...I’ll be okay.”

I won’t be, but it’s better to reassure him otherwise.

“Well you better get ready, okay?  Appointment is at ten.”

He smiles like I know what he’s talking about, and I decide to play along for the moment because I don’t want to completely freak the guy out.  I mean...he must be warped right? He’s acting like our lives have been this way for a long time, while I can’t remember ever meeting him in person.  Candid camera anyone?  “Okay.”

He smirks, and then shuts himself in the bathroom.  A few moments later I hear the shower running and I know that I’m finally alone with my thoughts.

Although, all I can really think about is the fact that Justin Timberlake is naked in a shower, one room away from me.  It’s as if all of my teenage fantasies are coming true, and a big part of me wants to just break down that door and fuck him silly.  Something is stopping me though.  I can’t just do that to him.  He doesn’t know me...well, apparently he does, but I don’t know him...not like that.  I only know the Justin Timberlake I’ve seen on my walls, on the TV and on the stage.  This is the personal, private Justin.  The one nobody is allowed to see besides his family and friends.

Suddenly I’ve been flung into his life too, through some weird time warp or vortex.  I need an explanation.

Work.  I’ll call work.  Surely, I’ll be able to make some sense of my life if I’m able to talk to a co worker.  I frantically grab for my phone on the nightstand and dial the number.

“Mercury Publishing.”

“Candice, it’s me.”

“Sorry?

“Lauren.”

“Lauren?”

“Yeah...” I trail off and clear my throat.  “You know, Lauren Taylor.  You’ve seen me everyday for the past four years.  We interned together and became full time together...that Lauren.”

“I don’t know any Lauren Taylor.  Are you sure you have the right number?”

I drop the phone.

This is...this is real, and it’s fucking scary.  My life has completely changed, unbeknownst to me, overnight.

One more person to call.  Somebody I should have called before I called the office.  I dial home, hoping my mother will be there.  She can explain all of this.  She’s always been able to explain things to me.

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

“Lauren, what’s wrong?  You sound panicked.”

“God...I am.”

“Talk to me.”

“Mom I...am I...I mean, do I have a boyfriend?”

She cackles.  “What world are you living in?”

I breathe out a relieved sigh, but suck it back in because I can still hear that shower running.  “So I’m single?”

“You were drinking last night weren’t you?”

“Mom?”

“Honey, you’re getting married in a week.  You don’t have time to be acting like this.”

“Married?”
r32;“Where’s Justin?”

“S-shower.”

She huffs.  “I told him, no more parties til the wedding.  My God, it’s bad enough you have to deal with both the families at once starting tomorrow morning.  I’m sure it will be more than overwhelming for you.  You can’t be hungover.”

“Tomorrow morning?”

“Christmas Eve? Lauren...I swear to God, no more parties.  Promise me.”

My mouth hangs open.  Christmas Eve? I’m going to be spending Christmas Eve with my family and Justin’s family? I’m getting married in a week too...

New Years Eve.

Holy Shit.

“Lauren, honey...are you there?”

“I’m here,” I manage it, somehow.  

“No more parties.”

“No...”  The bathroom door creaks open just then, and my ‘fiance’ walks out.

Naked.

I gasp, turn around quickly and put a hand over my mouth.  Oh my freakin Jesus.  Oh my God.

“I gotta go, mom.”r32;
“But...”

I end the call and put the phone down forcefully on the nightstand.

“Who was that, your mom?”

“Uh...uh huh.”

“You tell her about your wild night?”

“Mmhm.”

He walks over to the closet and starts to rifle through it once he opens the door.  I on the other hand, can’t take my eyes off of his ass, until he ventures further inside, out of site. I see my clothes and shoes to the left and his to the right of the walk in.  It’s huge.  My side is a little messy, as I would expect, while his is neat and organized.  He walks out with some clothing after a moment.  I recognize the emblem on the back pockets of the jeans as William Rast, and I blink again, shake my head, try to wake up.

Maybe I slipped into a coma when I fell asleep.  Yeah, that has to be it.
 
I watch as he slips the shirt over his perfectly toned upper half, and starts yanking his boxers on next.  It’s only when all of...his stuff...is covered, that I can breathe normally again.

 “You know, I wish we didn’t have to go to Maria’s today. I’d rather do some non wedding stuff with you before we fly out, baby.”

I lean back, feel my body hit the headboard, and just...watch him.

“You’re still in a daze, aren’t you?” He smiles, as he puts his jeans on and fastens the belt around his waist.  “Damn whiskey.  What’d your mom say?”

It takes me a minute to speak again.  I can’t get that image of him and his nakedness out of my mind.  All I really want is to see it again, but I can’t.  That’s sick, and he’s brainwashed.  I’m just a stranger...I shouldn’t be seeing him like that.  

“No more parties,” I whisper.

He laughs loudly and plops down onto the bed with me again, taking me in his arms, and planting a long, loving kiss on my lips before I can stop him.  It takes my breath away, literally.  It’s not just a kiss some guy would give you after a one night stand.  It’s one that your loving fiancé would give you a week before your wedding.  When our lips part I stare back into his eyes, and I can feel a small smile break on my face for the first time.  

“Deal,” he smirks.  “We don’t have time for another one anyway.  We’re leaving.”

He’s stroking my face and smoothing my hair back out of my eyes before I can respond.  “Justin.”

“Yeah, babe?”

“What’s the date today?”

He snickers.  “December twenty third.”

I take a long breath. “And...okay...this is going to sound weird but...how long have we known each other?”

“I’ll kill Trace,” he sighs.  “Next time, I’m monitoring the bar when he’s around.”

I force a laugh.  “Really though, how long?”

His brow furrows.  “Is this a test?”

“No...no I...I guess I was just trying to calculate it in my head for some reason, and my mind is all fuzzy because of...the liquor.”

“Five years,” he laughs.  “Really, Laur...you’re starting to scare me.”

I’ve been with this man for five years? How the hell is that possible?  “But I...I haven’t lived here for five years.”

“Right...”  He gives me a sideways glance, like he thinks I’m playing games.  “But we met when you were going to school in New York and did the long distance thing for awhile.  I was touring, remember?”

“Oh...”

He pulls away from me.  “Did Sam put you up to this or something?  Is it one of those ‘before your wedding’ rituals that women make up to drive their fiancé's insane before their nuptials?”

I shake my head.  

“You don’t have to lie, you know.”

“I’m...I’m not lying.”

He sighs.  “I’m nervous too.  I mean, it’s a big deal, and my family and your family are making it an even bigger one.  You can talk to me, you don’t have to just...drink yourself into a stupor and act like you don’t know me in the morning.”

It’s obvious that he’s hurt, and with good reason.  This is a special week for us, even though I can’t remember this life outside of this morning.  I want to snap out of it, badly, accept this as my reality but the thing is...I know, deep down, that I’m not the woman he knows so well, and I doubt I can turn back into her in time for a fancy, expensive wedding filled with our family and friends.

I could embarrass him.  Maybe I should run away, escape when his back is turned.

But I don’t want to.  I don’t want to run away from this beautiful man, I want to get to know him, and fall in love with him if I can.

Is that so crazy?

“Lauren?”

Oh yeah, he’s probably waiting for me to say something.  “I guess I might be nervous...I’m, um...I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head a little, and kisses my cheek gently once more, before he gets up from the bed.  “I’ll go fix us something to eat while you get ready, all right?”

I nod.  “Sure.”

He walks to the door, and I start the painstaking process of getting out of the bed.  The problem is, it’s too comfortable, and I’m still about to shit my pants.

“Babe.”

I look at him again.  He’s stopped in the doorway, looking at me seriously.  “Y-yeah?”

“You...you’d tell me if you weren’t ready for this, right?”

My heart sinks.  That expression on his face right now...it’s heartbreaking.  I can tell how much he loves me, well, the Lauren he knows anyway.  I have to figure this out.  I know that I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t supposed to be.  Justin is far too rich and successful to waste his time playing a practical joke on an ordinary woman like myself.  

“Of course I would,” I finally say.  

He seems to force a smile.  “See you downstairs.”

Justin is gone in a flash and I quickly jog to the door and close it, leaning my back against it as I slide down to the floor.  I put my head in my hands, try to think, recall anything I might have done to cause all of this to happen.  Time surged forward, or something.  Yesterday was December first, my roommate even said so.  So then what the hell happened?

New York...

He said he met me in New York, and that would be fine...if I went to school there, which I didn’t.  I was accepted at NYU as well as West Los Angeles University, but I decided to choose the latter.  Something about LA intrigued me from the start, but for a month or so, I seriously considered becoming a New Yorker.  There’s always been a small part of me that regretted not going.  At times it’s nagged at me, tugged at my emotions, told me that something was missing.  

I’ve ignored those feelings until today.

But right now, I feel like my life has been spun around and...I think...I think I’m living the life I would have been if I chose New York over California.

Or I could just be a delusional freak.

Either way, I’m stuck with Justin Timberlake for the time being.  For the Christmas Holiday, no less.  That can’t be so bad.  Maybe Santa has decided to be good to me this year or something, grant my adolescent wishes.

For now, I’ll play along, because the situation is too incredible to run away from.

“What’d you put in that stuff?”

“Nothing, man.  It was straight up Jack and Coke...I swear.”

Trace repositions Sophia in his arms and continues to feed her the bottle.  I know he’s not lying.  He’s never lied to me before...well, there was that one time when we were eight and he told me my bike was stolen when in reality he sold it for a box of Upper Deck baseball cards, but all was forgiven sooner or later.  “Well she was acting...weird this morning.”

He meets my gaze, a knowing look in his eyes.  “What? You think something is going on?”

I shake my head slightly, and chew on my thumbnail.  She wouldn’t.  Lauren isn’t that type of girl.  We’ve been together and happy for a little over five years now.  Sure, we’ve had our falling outs, broke up for a few months, but eventually realized how much we cared about each other.  I popped the question five months ago, and in a week, she’ll officially be linked to me for life.  I’ve been so damn excited, nervous, and terrified ever since, but deep down I knew it would all work out.  That she was the one for me because...she’s the only woman I’ve ever known that’s been able to tell me when I’m wrong, besides my momma, that I actually take seriously.  

“Nothings going on.  I know it’s not like that.  I guess I feel like...she might not be ready.”

“You’re nuts,” he laughs, and kisses his baby’s forehead as he puts the empty bottle down on the table.  “You two are so deep into it, that it’s actually starting to disgust me.  Just get married already and stop trying to think up every damn excuse in the world not to do it.”

“I wish I could just get a marriage license and take a month’s vacation like y’all did,” I sigh.

“Your mom would kick your ass and you know it.  I lucked out. Sam’s family is in Australia and we didn’t want to make them fly all that way for a weekend.  My mom can’t crucify me for that.  You don’t have a choice.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I know I’m right.  Look, I’m gonna take the family out for breakfast.  We’ll meet you at the tarmac later, all right?”

“Yeah,” I nod but don’t look at him.  “Cool.”

“Don’t look so miserable man.  She’s a great girl.  Trust me, you’re doing the right thing.  I’m your best friend.  I wouldn’t let you make a mistake like that.”

He gets up slowly, carefully cradling the baby against his chest, before he walks away.  Maternal Trace is one I thought I would never see, but ever since that little speck showed up on his girlfriends ultrasound almost a year ago, he’s been a completely different person.  I think we all knew it would change him.  He doesn’t drink nearly as much, and business is something he’s been working on mostly from home.  Last month, he and Samantha obtained a marriage license and flew out to Puerto Rico for an extended vacation slash honeymoon with the baby.

Lauren and I went too, and that was the extent of any wedding party, but it was the way they both wanted things.

They have the type of marriage I long for but could never have.  There’s too much family involved on my end and Lauren’s, and with me being in the spotlight, everybody wants a glimpse into my life.  I may be a private person, but there’s no way I can hide out during my wedding.    There were so many vultures calling up my publicist that I had to give in, sell the photo rights to the highest bidder so I could have the least amount of press coverage possible at the wedding.  While Lauren and I have been assured countless times that we won’t be bothered and neither will our guests, I still wish it didn’t have to be this way.  I wish I could get married like everybody else, with just my family there, at a beautiful venue.

But I chose this life.

Lauren has gone with it.  With everything, even though the idea of having media coverage at the wedding wasn’t exactly thrilling to her.  She said she didn’t care though, that she wanted to marry me and would put up with it, if that’s the way things had to be.  That’s the type of woman she is, go with the flow, and if she were any other way I doubt our relationship would have gotten past the first couple of months.  She’s independent, strong, can run her life without me, but chose to make this thing work despite the fact that she was in school and I was in the middle of a huge world tour when we met.  No she wasn’t at my show, and no I wasn’t doing some publicity stunt at her school.  I was just getting coffee, snuck out of my hotel without my security detail the morning after my first show at the Garden, because I needed some peace and quiet before my first press interview later that morning.

She was the first person I saw when I stepped into Starbucks, and I have to admit, nobody had ever captivated me the way she did that day.  She was sitting at one of those little tables, entranced in her laptop as she sipped her coffee.  I couldn’t even order.  I was too busy staring, afraid if I took my eyes off of her for a second she would be gone and I would never see her again.  Until then, I’d never been the type to believe in love at first sight.  All of my relationships had been based on years of friendship, and usually ended because I either couldn’t commit or because the bitch found somebody else more interesting.

Something told me she was different.

I waited.  I waited for a good hour, my hood pulled up over my head, praying nobody would recognize me, and they didn’t.  When she started to pack up her stuff, I decided I needed to make my move.  I slowly walked across the cafe, over to her, cleared my throat and said ‘Hey, I’m Justin.’

She looked up at me, scoffed, and I think it was the first time ever that somebody hadn’t gotten that deer in the headlights look when I introduced myself.  “Okay...hi?”

I laughed at her.  “Well aren’t you going to tell me your name?”

She paused then and took a really good look at me.  I think then, she realized who I was, but she didn’t act surprised.  She just slung her laptop bag over her shoulder and shrugged a little.  “Why are you so curious? Don’t you have a concert or something?”

“Later.” I smirked.  “You wanna go?”

“Not really.”

I knew she was lying, but that intrigued me even more.  “C’mon, you can come and I’ll take you out to a late dinner.”

“Me?” She laughed.  “Why?”

“I’m not sure why yet, but I’d like to get to know you a little more.”

She eventually told me her name, and took me up on my offer as well.  Somehow, we’ve managed to stay together ever since, and in a few days...she’ll be my wife.

So why now, am I having these doubts about her?  Why all of a sudden, is she acting like the past five years have had no lasting effect on her?  I mean, Christ, she acted like she couldn’t even remember us when she woke up this morning, and I can’t understand that.  Is it pre wedding jitters? I’m trying to convince myself that it is, because I don’t know what I’d do if she backed out of this now...left me, after I’ve fallen so deeply in love with her.

I try to push those insecurities out of my mind as I start cooking us a simple breakfast.  I can’t be doubting things now, not when we’re due for a final meeting with our wedding coordinator in a little over an hour.  I have to be positive, strong, for Lauren’s sake...if nothing else.  

I’m just putting the eggs and bacon on plates when I hear her walk into the kitchen, and I manage to smile for her as she slowly steps inside and looks all around like she’s never been in here before.  It’s almost as if she got lost in my house...and I just don’t understand.  “Hey...you all right?”  I carry our plates over to the table, and place them down before I take a seat, motioning for her to do the same.

“I’m...yeah...”  She licks her lips and walks over to the table quickly, taking her seat.  It’s not her usual one, right beside me.  No, this morning she’s chosen to sit all the way across from me.

I can’t do this.  I can’t go into this meeting with her acting this way.  “Would you just tell me what the hell is the matter?”

She stares at me, her eyes wide.  It’s the deer in headlights look, like she just met me and is absolutely infatuated, instead of in love with me.  It’s like she’s a stranger.  

“I feel like you changed overnight or something,” I say slowly, as I stab my fork into the eggs.  “Lauren...”

“I’m fine.  Really...I just had a crazy night.”

I snort.  “I’m not buying it.”

She just shrugs.

“What about when we go to Maria’s, are you going to act like you don’t know her either?”

“Maria’s?”

“Yeah, Maria.”

She sits back and sucks in a breath.  “Oh yeah...right, Maria.”

“So you know who she is?” I say, skeptically.r32;
“Yeah...of course.”  She looks down at her plate and shifts the food around with her fork.  

“Who is she?”

She won’t look at me.

“Lauren.”

“She’s the damn wedding planner!  God, Justin!”  

Well, that’s something, at least.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.  “I just...I’m a little confused, that’s all.”

I don’t know why, but she seems to be extremely relieved.  “I’m about to marry you...it’s a little overwhelming.  I’ll be fine, I just need to get my head straightened out.”

I smirk.  “Maybe I can help with that...later.  You know, I can help you relax.”

“Um...”

I get up, walk over to her, placing my hands on her shoulders as I gently press my lips against the skin behind her ear and allow them to travel down to her neck...the way she likes me to.  “Yeah,” I smirk into her.  “We can have a little pre celebration party of our own before we have to get on that plane.”

“Oh.”

She pulls away from me, and all I can do is stare at her as she goes to the sink and puts her half full plate down into it.  

“Do you not want to?”

She turns, braces herself against the counter as she stares at me, her eyes filled with so much uncertainty about...about me.  “No I...I mean, maybe we won’t have time.”

“There’s always time,” I snicker.  “C’mon babe, you know that.”

She nods a little, but crosses her arms protectively, as if I’m out to hurt her or something.  Maybe I should just drop the subject.  “We should get going....I guess.”

“Yeah.” She turns away quickly and starts running the faucet so she can rinse off our dishes.  “Probably.”

And I walk out, because I can’t find anymore words to say to her right now.

I made a wild guess and I was right about Maria.  I think it’s the only reason Justin didn’t break off our engagement and call off the wedding.

It’s more than obvious that he knows something is very off with me.

But of course there is.  I mean, according to him.  I’m starting to think that I really have gone crazy.  That this has been my life all along and for some reason my brain has decided to think otherwise.  Maybe it’s the wedding.  Maybe it’s really driven me that insane between our families and all the planning involved with this thing.  Just sitting here in this woman’s shop has proved to me that this is no ordinary wedding.  Sure, she’s said time and time again to Justin and I that she’s kept our reception ‘low key’, but if that’s the truth why did I see six zeros next to that number two on the invoice?

I don’t know.  I really don’t understand why the hell Justin would want to pay that kind of money for anything that has to do with me, but I haven’t said a word.  Apparently this has been the plan for months now, and since I’ve already semi freaked him out, I’ll just go with the flow for the rest of the afternoon.

At least until he tries to put the moves on me again.

All right, I must be nuts.  I know I’m nuts.  One morning with the guy and I’ve had more opportunities to boink him silly than most women with a silly crush could ever dream of, only...I haven’t taken advantage.  Hell, when he was trying to seduce me in his kitchen before we left, I practically ran away from him.  I don’t get it.  I’m not a stranger to sex.  I’ve never been afraid of it.  Lord knows, in my college years I could get a little wild and crazy.  So why can’t I be that way now?

Maybe this is different.  This is different because I’m supposed to love him, even though I can’t remember a single thing about us being together.  Having sex there in his kitchen would have felt so wrong to me, even if that pisses me off and him even more so.

“So, you two must be excited.” Maria smiles at us as she starts to pack up the piles of paperwork she’d been going over with us for the past hour or so.  “The big day is just days away!”

“Yeah.”  Justin places his hand on my thigh, and starts to caress it gently, inching the tips of his fingers under my skirt without a second thought. “We’re heading to my hometown for Christmas and after that we’ll all fly out for the wedding.  We’re really excited about everything.”

He glances at me, and I can see the uncertainty in his eyes.  It hits me then, how well I suddenly feel like I know him.  I feel like I’ve been with him for years, and right now...I can tell that his mood is growing sourer by the hour.  I gotta stop.  I have to fix this.

But how can I?

“Yes...I can’t wait.”  I force a smile, and allow him to lean in and gently brush his lips against mine.  A weird sort of tingle ruptures in the pit of my stomach then, and I feel my face begin to burn as he pulls away from me.  His eyes are still searching mine, probably for that woman he thought he knew so well when he went to bed last night, but I can’t fake anything for him, can’t feign happiness and bliss because it’s obvious he can see right through me.  

“Well everything is in order,” Maria smiles and gets up suddenly.  “The next time I see you, we’ll be at the venue.”

“Thanks for everything, really,” Justin smiles and gives her a professional handshake.  “You’ve been amazing, Maria.”

“My pleasure.  Now, you two go on and have some fun before the chaos starts, all right? I don’t want a jittery couple when I see you again, got it?”

“Will do.”

Justin laughs and I force one out.  Then he takes me by the hand, says a final goodbye to our wedding planner, and leads me out of there.  He’s silent as we wait for the valet to pull his little black Audi up to the curb, and I can’t help but feel uneasy.  I know he’s not happy with me right now.

“Thanks, man.”

Justin says it as he hands the Valet a tip, and silently gets into the drivers seat, not looking at me as I get in on the passenger side.  He pulls away, barely before I have my seatbelt clicked into place, and when I hear the tires screeching, I flinch.

He’s very angry, and I’m a little scared.  

The trip back to the house is silent, and I’m thankful.  Thankful because I don’t know how I would react or what I could possibly say to him if he started an argument with me.  I don’t know a damn thing about him, about us, and I’m convinced he’d drop me in a second once he found out the truth...that the woman he knew so well and loved is just...gone.

“Flights in four hours.” Justin grumbles it to me once we’re back inside the house.  “Trace and Sam are meeting us at the tarmac and Eric is going to get us there, all right?”

I nod at him.

He stalks off.

God.

My feet start to propel me forward all on their own.  I feel like I have to go after him, talk to him, or else there will be severe consequences.  But then my phone starts to ring from it’s place in my pocket, and I’m able to stop myself.  Hoping it’s somebody that can give me more insight to this whole thing, I pull it out and find that my best friend Claire is on the line.  I smile, nearly burst into tears.  Nobody knows me as well as she does, and I know she’ll help me figure this whole thing out in just a couple of minutes.  

“I’m so glad you called,” I say breathlessly into the phone.  

“Honey, what’s the matter?” She laughs.  “You sound like you’re scared to death.  Please, try not to my make my job as your maid of honor harder than it has to be.”

“Well I am scared to death.”  For the first time all day, I sit down in a chair and start to sob.  “I’m really fucking scared!”

“Lauren, my God...what’s the matter? What’s going on? Is it Justin?”

“I...I don’t know...”  I whimper and rub my face with my free hand.  “I just woke up this morning and...I mean, Claire is this all real?”

“What?”

“I don’t remember a thing.”

“Oh my God, did you hit your head or something?”

“No...no...look, last night I was in LA, living with a bunch of horrible roommates and working.  I was single.  This morning I wasn’t there and I really...really wasn’t single anymore.  I’m...I’m getting married.  I’m getting married to Justin Timberlake.”

“Lauren.” She says my name very slowly, and I know I’ve freaked her out more than anything else.  “First of all, you haven’t been single for five years.  I mean, unless you count that two month break up thing you and Justin did when he decided to be an idiot, and from what you’ve told me, that’s been put behind you.”

“Two month break up thing?”

She laughs.  “Yeah, remember? He didn’t think he could commit, ever, and you were done with him? We all knew that wouldn’t last.”

“Oh.”

“Laur, honestly, I think you just had a little too much to drink last night, and you had a crazy dream because of it.  It happens to the best of us.  Just make sure you let Trace know that your mother and I are ready to rip him apart when you get to Lynn’s, okay?  I’m so pissed at that idiot.  What was he thinking, getting you that drunk right before you come to visit?”

“I...”

“You haven’t told Justin any of this right? About the dream?”

“No, not yet but...but he knows there’s something up with me.  I’m not his favorite person at the moment.”

“Do me a favor and go talk to him,” she sighs.  “You know how paranoid he’s been lately.  This wedding is a big thing for somebody like him.  He never thought he would get married before things got serious with you two, and I guess it’s why you almost didn’t.  You never gave up, and that’s why you’ll be married in a week, Lauren.  Don’t let it all go to shit now.”

“I won’t,” I croak.

“See you tomorrow.”

Her end clicks off softly in my ear, and I pull the phone away, stare at it for a few moments.  She’s my very best friend, and I know she would never lie to me.  If this wasn’t reality, she would tell me straight out, tell me to get out now before I drove myself more insane.  So that means all of this is true.  It means that Justin and I have been together for all of this time, gone through a rough patch, but it’s turned into a happy ending...at least, it was supposed to.

Fuck, I could lose him if I don’t do something.  If I don’t reassure him that I love him.

But do I love him? Can I, without even knowing him?

I think back to the kiss at Maria’s, the way I felt when his lips touched mine.  It felt right, like I was supposed to be with him.

I have to be strong, have to suck it up and go talk to the man I’m about to marry, before I lose him for good.  Without a second thought, I wipe my tears away and get up from the chair, beginning to search the massive house for him.  I find him, finally, out by the pool.  It’s fancy, has an infinity edge that allows a clear view of the Hollywood Hills.  It’s absolutely breathtaking, and I think I could be happy this way for the rest of my life, just sitting out here with him, getting to know everything about him.

But I’m already supposed to.

“Hey.” I whisper it and sit down at the pools edge, right beside him.  

“Hey.”  He doesn’t look at me when he says it, just continues to stare out into the glamorous hills of Hollywood.  

“Maybe we should talk.”

He shrugs.  “What’s there to say?”

“Today has just been weird, that’s all.”

“What was that earlier? You practically ran away from me in the kitchen, when I was trying to kiss you.”

“I...just...”

“You’re having second thoughts,” he whispers.  “Right?”

“I never said that.”

“Then what is it?  Tell me, because I’m fucking clueless.”

I stare at him, right back into his eyes that have decided to meet mine this time.  He’s worried sick and that’s my doing, but I don’t know how to fix things.  I feel like I can’t fix this, as much as I’m starting to like him.  “I’m not sure what it is.  I’m nervous.”

He laughs at me, before pushing himself to his feet.  Then he’s staring me down, holding his hand out to me, daring me to take that step.  I know once I do, there’s no turning back.  It’s obvious he’d like to pick up from where we left off this morning.  Sex will reassure him, I’m sure that’s what it is.  It’s obvious that we’ve been completely comfortable with each other in that way for a very long time, and the fact that I’m suddenly rearing back from his touch has set off an alarm on his end.  One that could end our relationship if I’m not careful.  

“I love you,” he whispers.  “C’mon.  Come upstairs with me.”

I take his hand and let him help me up, but I don’t say a word.  I can’t help it.  I’m terrified.  I’m terrified of being naked with him, of letting him do things to me that I’ve only ever dreamed of.  “Upstairs to talk, right?”

He gives me a strange look.  “Talk?”

“Well I...”

He steps up to me quickly and pulls me to him, roughly planting his lips on mine.

I push him away.  “Not right now.”

He stands there, hands on his hips, panting harshly, glaring like he‘s never been more angry at me.  “Seriously, Lauren, I...I can’t do this with you now.  You’re hiding something from me.”

“I’m not!”

“Then why don’t you want to come upstairs!”

“I don’t...” I pause and whimper.  “I don’t know!”

“That’s great,” he laughs sadly.  “Then maybe I don’t know if I want to marry you.”

My throat goes dry, and all I can do is stare at him.

He shakes his head.  “Are you seeing somebody else?”

“No.”

“Are you unhappy?”

“No, Justin...I...I don’t know how to explain it to you.  I just need a little time to sort out everything, that’s all.”

“You pushed and pushed me to commit.” He points his finger at me angrily.  “You said you couldn’t be with me anymore unless I was ready to do this with you.  So I fucking went there!  I did all of this for us!  And what am I getting in return from you, huh? Nothing!  You’re acting like you want to back out of this now!”

“Justin...”

“Forget it! Just...fuck Lauren...I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”  He kicks over a lounge chair, and storms back inside.

I think he said it all.

“What the hell happened?”

I shrug, cross my arms, and glance out the window.  I know it won’t work.  Trace will continue to bug the shit out of me until I start talking, but I really don’t want to.  I’m so angry, and I’ve been this way since we had that fight out at the pool.  I can’t believe I kicked over a lounge chair.  I don’t even remember the last time I was that angry.  That’s not me.  Usually when I’m pissed I act just like this, stubborn and pigheaded until I come to my senses.  But back there I just...lost it, in front of the woman that I know I still love more than anything.

I guess it was the thought that she could be out of my life so quickly that pushed my emotions to the brink.  It happened once before, because I was an idiot, and I never felt so empty inside.  I knew if I kept arguing with her like I was, pushing her, I could have ended up just like before.  So, I made sure that I stayed out of her way until Eric came to pick us up, and we haven’t spoken at all since the fight.  She’s sitting elsewhere on this big comfortable jet of mine, being consoled by Sam, who’s been giving me the death look for the past couple of hours.  She’s pissed, but with good reason.  We’re flying home not only to celebrate the holidays with our families, but to celebrate our marriage as well.  So much time and money has been spent preparing all of this, and Sam has played a big part in it, become a very close friend of Lauren’s without a second thought.  I love Sam to death for that, and I always will.  We’ll always be more like family, especially because she married my best friend, but right now I can’t give her a good explanation as to why I’m completely ignoring my fiancé.

If I told her the truth about what happened this afternoon, she would just tell me I was thinking too much with my dick instead of my heart.  I don’t want to hear it.  I’m too angry, and the last thing I need is to get into an argument with her right now. Instead, I’ll just sit back, go with the flow, and pray to god Lauren didn’t take me seriously when I said I didn’t want to marry her.

“Justin, come on,” Trace pushes me, as I continue to stare out the port hole window.  “Is it that bad?”

“We had a fight,” I mutter.  “I dunno.”

“Over what?”

I chuckle sadly, and finally force myself to look back at him.  He has a weird little smirk on his face, one that tells me he can’t wait to hear this story so he’ll be able to get a good laugh.  He doesn’t think any fight I could have with Lauren at this stage would be serious, but he’s so wrong.  “She just confused me, I guess.  I didn’t get it and I sort of lost my cool, that’s all.”

“Lost your cool?  What’d you mean?”

I sigh.  “I blew up at her.  I know I’m an idiot, so spare me the speech.”

“She made you that angry?  Why?” He leans in suddenly, a knowing gaze in his eyes, but it’s not what he thinks.  “Did she...”

“No...no it’s not like that.”

“Then what?”

“She won’t come near me, Trace.  I tried to kiss her this morning at breakfast and she practically ran away from me.  Then, this afternoon at Maria’s she was acting like she had no idea what was going on with the wedding plans, and when we got back home, she refused to come upstairs and...you know...”

“She could be nervous.  The girl is getting married, and the guest list ain’t exactly small.”

“She’s never acted this way before.  She knows how big my family is, and she’s dealt with all of that for a couple of years now.  That’s what I don’t get.  She’s the one who pushed for this...pushed for us to be together.  Right now I feel like she’s this completely different person.  I...I don’t know what to think, and this afternoon I said some pretty rough shit to her.”

“What’d you say?”

I can’t answer him right away.

“Justin, you better spill it.”

“I said that I didn’t know if I could marry her.”

“Jesus.”

I look out the window again.  “I know.  It’s bad.”

“Bad? You’re lucky she even got on the plane.  You have to fix this, I mean...you weren’t serious were you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why’d you say it?”

“Because I got scared.” I look at him again, and feel my throat tightening as I hold my emotions back.  “She was acting skittish around me, and I felt like she didn’t love me as much anymore.”

“Obviously she loves you if she got on the plane.”

I nod.  

“You fucked up big time, you know?”

“Of course I know that.”

“Fix it,” he warns me.  “Otherwise you’ll be on a separate flight home.”

“What would you like me to do, exactly?  I‘m not a damn miracle worker.  I suck at this shit.”
 
 “J, don’t you know anything about women?  You need to talk to her, do something sentimental that shows her you care.”

“Like what?”

“You’re engaged to the woman.”  He rolls his eyes and goes back to staring at his laptop screen.  “Figure it out.”

“You’re a big fuckin’ help.”

He doesn’t answer.  I think he’s had enough, and I don’t blame him.

I shouldn’t have been so harsh with him, either.  He’s only looking out for me, like I’ve always looked out for him.  I’m really agitated right now though, and the fact that I can’t talk to my fiancé is only making things worse.  I feel like going over there and making an attempt to apologize wouldn’t work out at the moment.  Sam might give me a lecture, or Lauren would list every reason why marrying me probably isn’t the best idea anymore.

I’m not ready to hear it.

So I’ll just sit here, wait until we land and get to my mom’s, before I do anything drastic.  Of course, being surrounded by my family...her family, won’t make the situation any easier.  The minute they realize we’re fighting, I’ll have more explaining to do, with more people, than I’d like to.

Fuck me.  I pick the best times to get into arguments with my girl.  My momma is gonna kill me.

Maybe I’m not cut out for marriage, after all.  Lauren deserves better.  She deserves a guy that’s going to understand something that she’s going through.  I didn’t want to hear it back there.  I wanted her to act a certain way and when she didn’t, I lost it.  That’s not right, or fair.  Not when she’s put up with so much shit from me the past five years.  It’s that stubborn, egotistical side of me that came out to play earlier, and I hate that.  When we got back together, I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen anymore.

But it did, now, right before our wedding.

Maybe I should bail.  Maybe it’s the best thing, even though being without her would completely destroy me.

The flight to Memphis was the least of my problems, even though it was very awkward.  Justin wouldn’t talk to me, and in an attempt to make things less difficult, I decided not to talk to him either.  Our fight was bad, his actions were even worse, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

I still don’t, because I know I can’t tell him the truth.

Trace Ayala said the quickest hello to me in the world when we met up with him, his wife  Samantha and baby on the tarmac.  The baby, or...Sophia, was asleep in her arms, and Trace was more concerned about getting them inside the plane than asking how I was, or how Justin and I felt about the upcoming week.  Justin seemed to make the decision not to sit next to me all too quickly once we were able to board, and I felt a kind hand on my shoulder next, guiding me to the back of the plane.  Samantha Robinson-Ayala sat me down near the window, and blockaded me into the row with her, the baby in her lap, in an attempt to comfort me.  It was obvious she knew I was very upset, and I could only guess that we were close friends, even though I couldn’t remember anything about her.  Still, I knew there was no point in trying to talk to Justin for the duration of our trip so I didn’t say anything.  

Sam fell into a conversation with me quickly, and it was obvious she knew everything about me.  She has a thick Australian accent, and she’s sweet, kind, loves her life and her family more than anybody I’ve ever met before.  If I were living this life all along, I’m sure I would consider her a great friend to have.  One that’s always been around for me, and Justin as well.  I tried my best to talk to her, confide in her, without making it obvious that I was completely lost in a world I knew next to nothing about.  She didn’t seem to catch on to any of that.  The most she said was that ‘she knew how Justin could get’ and ‘not to let it get to me, because he loved me’.  

I distracted myself by getting to know Sam better.  She rambled on about married life and being a new mom, allowing me to melt away into her world for a while.  I think she knew there was no point pushing me about the fight or the wedding.  In her mind, I was a frazzled bride to be, and I admit, I played the part very well.

The second the jet touched down at Memphis International, a strange feeling came over me, like I’d been there so many times before.  It was as if I’d come home, even though I’d never been to Tennessee before.  At least... I was pretty sure.  I closed my eyes, tried to remember everything about the life I was currently living, willing my brain to snap out of whatever funk it was in.

But when I opened them again, everything was the same.  I was still there, with all of them, and I couldn’t remember a thing about how I got that way.  I felt like bursting into tears, almost did, but then the plane stopped at the gate and I saw Justin stand up, glancing back at me for the smallest of seconds, looking like his world was shattered.  I held it all back for him, because I didn’t want him to feel any worse than he already did.

A hired car was waiting for us after we collected our baggage, and the five of us were whisked away to a sleepy suburb of Memphis, called Shelby Forest.  It quiet here, serene, a world away from media vultures and paparazzi that constantly invade Justin’s privacy.  For the first time since I woke up, I feel calm, like I could live this way and love him forever.

But it’s not that simple.  Nothing ever is.

My family won’t be here until tomorrow afternoon, and I honestly can’t wait to see them, get some more answers, find out how the hell this can all be reality.  In the meantime though, I’m being forced to suck up to Justin’s family, especially his mother, Lynn.  She’s nice, seems to like me, but we’ve barely had the chance to sit down and talk since Justin and I arrived.  She’s been so busy catering to the rest of the family, and paying attention to her son that I’ve sort of been placed on the back burner.  Various members of Justin’s extended family and friends have been entertaining me ever since, talking with me for hours as if I’m supposed to know them so well.  I can‘t tell you how hard it is to keep on smiling for total strangers when I really feel like running and hiding in an upstairs room.

“Nanna’s wondering why you haven’t come to help her out in the kitchen.”  Trace plops himself down beside me with a beer, and flashes a mischievous little smirk.  

“I’m a little tired...”  I trail off and look away from him.  I know I’m safe from pretty much everybody else here, besides him.  It seems he can read me like a book, because he knows me better than the rest of them, and whatever he finds out, he’ll be sure to report to Justin.  “It’s nothing.”

“Look, I know what he said,” he admits.  “You know he’s an idiot right?”

“Well I...”

“Just tell me there’s nothing going on, Lauren,” he says seriously, as he places his beer down on the coffee table in front of us.  “You owe Justin that much.”

I sigh harshly.  “I’m not seeing anybody else! For fucks sake....”

“Shh.”  He glances around.  “Don’t talk so loud.”

I lean back, take a deep breath.  If I don’t, I might strangle him.  “I’m not seeing anybody else.”

“Good.  So what’s making you run and hide from him then?”

“Damn, isn’t that our business, Trace?”

“Maybe...but I can’t stand to see him this way.  We’ve always been able to talk, Laur.  I figured we could talk about this too.”

I know I can’t get away from him.  In this life, he’s probably one of my best friends, and running away from him now would only prove more to Justin that I don’t want to be with him after all.  “Have you ever woken up one morning, not knowing what your life is really all about?”

He laughs at me.  “More than I’d like to admit.”

“Well that’s how I felt this morning.  I guess part of me feels like I don’t know what I’m getting myself into, even though I should...does that make sense?”

“Well did you tell him that?”

“No.  I didn’t know how to say it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being scared.  I mean, a wedding is a big deal.”

“I know.  I guess there’s more going on with me, that’s all.”

“Then you need to be honest about it, and if you won’t talk to me, at least talk to him.  He deserves the truth, you know? Before you get married.”

I just nod, then he pats me on the shoulder, gets his beer, and leaves me sitting there.

Great talk.  Trace meant well, I’m sure, but all he really did was make me that much more upset.  He made it sound like if I don’t talk to Justin and give him a good explanation to how I’m feeling, the wedding will be called off.  I mean, I know I don’t remember anything about my relationship with that man, but I don’t...I don’t want to lose him either.

I feel, now more than ever, that he’s a real part of me.

“There you are!”

She shuffles over to me, an excited gleam in her eyes.  I met her once, when we first got here, for about thirty seconds.  I was supposed to know who she was, I realized, when she gave me a big hug.  It was only because I heard Justin say her name, that I was able to pull it off.  “Hey...Rachael.”

“Why are you hiding out?” She laughs, and tugs on my hands.  “We’re making cookies inside with Nana.  She’s going to be real pissed if you don’t join in.”

I let her pull me through the house and into the kitchen, because there is no other choice.  Along the way, I’m sure I see Justin, sitting on the couch in the den with a bunch of his family members.  Naturally, he doesn’t acknowledge me.  

“Just pretend you’re having a great time,” Rachael tells me, once we’re inside the kitchen.  “Justin is a stubborn baby, we all know that.  It’ll aggravate him if it seems like you don’t care one way or the other about the fight.  Then he’ll come crawling back.”

She plops a bowl full of cookie dough in front of me, and starts talking to Nana, who has been eyeing me for the past few minutes.  I force a smile for her, and concentrate on making some cookies.

“So y’all are having some kind of argument?”

I sigh.  “We just...”

“It’s your grandson being his stubborn self,” Rachael speaks up.  “They’ll work it out.  Let it be, Nana.”

“Well what’s this argument got to do with anyhow?  I think it’s ridiculous, personally.  If y’all aren’t ready to get married, then don’t get married.”

I stare at the older woman for a few moments, and find that she’s giving me a semi dark look.  Obviously, she’s taking Justin’s side here, but from what I remember reading, he’s always been her favorite.  “Nobody said that.”

“Well it sure sounds like it to me.”

“Nana!” Rachael yells, exasperated.  

I can’t bare to hear anymore.  I know the longer I stay, the more miserable I’ll feel, so I put the piece of dough I was rolling back into the bowl, rinse my hands, and walk out of the kitchen.  I walk through the house too, practically in tears, and push my way out the front door.  It’s only then that I let the genuine sobs escape me, and I walk down the sidewalk crying like a damn fool.

I don’t belong here.  I really don’t, and I wish so bad that I could just wake up, right now.

It took all of thirty seconds for me to realize that my fiancé had walked out of my grandmothers kitchen, and out of the house.  Even then, I didn’t think she’d go far.

But she’s not on the front porch, or in the back.

She’s just gone.

I shouldn’t have vented to my grandmother, because I know it was her that made Lauren so upset.  It’s no secret that I’m her favorite, and the knowledge that the girl I loved was making me miserable, didn’t sit right with her.  I don’t know exactly what was said, but the way my cousin Rachael was glaring at me told me it was enough to push Lauren out.  I hate myself for that, for making Lauren look like the bad guy when the reality is, I was just too damn stubborn to let her come around and talk to me like I know she needed to before we came here.

I don’t want her to leave me, but at this point, I wouldn’t blame her because I acted like a fucking idiot.  My momma agreed with me wholeheartedly when I told her.  Said that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.

And I know I did.

I’m trying to find her, so I can tell her that.  So I can try to make this all up to her, somehow.  I walked around the entire neighborhood, but she was nowhere to be found, so I jumped in the car and drove around town.  I saw all the places I usually love to visit when I’m down here, but none of them could give me that usual spark of happiness.  Lauren was the only thing that mattered to me, and she wasn’t there, so I moved on.  I drove to the park, another old stomping ground from my childhood, and decided to take a walk around, just to see if she might be there.  

I start to lose hope as I sweep the park, because I don’t see her anywhere.  It’s only when I reach the playground that I spot somebody sitting on one of the benches there.  I creep closer, trying to make sure it’s her before I say anything.  The last thing I want to do is scare somebody, or possibly get pummeled by a fan or a psycho.  

“Hey.” I finally say it, stand back and hold my breath.  Then she turns her head, and I feel my insides unclench themselves.  “Laur...God, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

She stands up, sighs, and crosses her arms.  “Maybe I should make you keep looking.”

“Look...what I said...I didn’t mean what I said, okay?”

She just stares at me, and I know I have to do better than that.

“I should have given you the space you needed,” I tell her.  “I know that now.  I was just overwhelmed with everything going on at once and I guess...I guess I didn’t realize that something was going on with you.”

She sits back down after a moment.  “You may have been right, though.  Maybe I’m really not the right person for you.”

I quickly sit down beside her, and take take her hand, lacing my fingers through hers before she can stop me.  “That’s not true.  I’m in love with you...you know? You’re the only person that’s ever made me feel this way.”

She smiles slightly, but it fades away.  She doesn’t let go of my hand though, and I take it as a good sign.    “It’s crazy but I feel like I just met you...literally.  Maybe it’s just the wedding.  Maybe I’ve been so overwhelmed and tired to the point where I just lost it this morning and afternoon.  I’m sorry I scared you, Justin.  I’m sorry that I made you feel so crappy.  I...I’m a little scared but I know that I don’t want to lose you...” she trails off and looks down at our intertwined hands.  “I can’t lose you.”

“Hey...” I reach out and push her chin up with my free hand, so she’ll meet my gaze.  “You’re not going to lose me.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“But aren’t you freaked out about how I wouldn’t let you near me?”

I shrug slightly, and a soft laugh escapes me.  “I know you had your reasons, Lauren.  Sometimes, I need a wake up call, and today was it.  I swear, next time you’re not in the mood, I’ll back off and I won’t hold it against you.  I promise.”

“Well I...I don’t want you to back off all the time, Justin.”  She smiles at me this time, genuinely.  

“What happened to J?” I smile too and rub my thumb across her cheek, wiping the tears away from her eyes.  

Her cheeks turn red.  “J.”

“I love you.”  I pull her closer to me and put my face right in front of hers.  I feel that warmness inside of me, and I know that I’ve gotten her back.  My Lauren, the woman I’ve always loved.  She didn’t go anywhere, she’s been right here with me the whole time, only I was too stupid to realize it.  “I don’t think I could be with anybody else...ever.  I’m just...ready to make you my wife, Lauren.  That’s all I’ve wanted for a long time now, and I don’t care what my family says, or how shitty that fight was before.  I’m marrying you, end of story.”

“Will you kiss me then?”

She says it like it’s our first date, like she’s never really been kissed by me before, even though I know I did it this morning in the bedroom.  She was nervous then though, different from the woman I knew.  Now she’s back, and I guess there’s nothing I’d like more than to feel her tender, soft lips against my own.  I don’t hesitate, I just smile and plant my lips against hers.  She wraps her arms around my neck, pulls me down closer to her and deepens our kiss.

Finally, I’m lost in her all over again, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

“J.”  She says it breathlessly as she comes up for some air.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I really...I really want to finish what you started this afternoon at the house.”

I laugh at her.  “Seriously? We’re at my mom’s, Laur.”

She shrugs.  “You’re creative.  Think of something.”

Of course that’s never been a problem for me.  I pull her up from the bench and kiss her one more time before I take her by the hand.  “C’mon.”
*********
“I’ve never seen you cry during sex before,” he smiles, and runs his fingers across my cheek and forehead, sweeping the hair out of my eyes.  “Damn, it’s not even our wedding night.”

“I couldn’t help myself,” I say softly, my smile unwavering as I stare back into his amazing blue eyes.  “All that emotion from today took over, I guess.”

It’s not exactly a lie, but not exactly the truth either.  What Justin doesn’t know won’t hurt him though, and what we just did was so special, so sacred to me that I couldn’t help but let the tears flow freely.  He made love to me as only he could...the man that loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  Our sex was special, beautiful, bold and passionate, something I never, ever want to let go of.  

No matter what kind of crazy shit brought me here, I know that this is where I belong now, and forever.  Here with him, because I love him more than anything in this world.

And he loves me too.

Justin drove us to this little bed and breakfast outside of town.  I already know that our families are going to kill us when we walk back in the door tomorrow morning.  Justin didn’t call to tell anybody where we were, and neither did I.  We just took off, didn’t look back for a night, but I know we needed it.  I needed to seal the deal with him, ensure our love was completely real.  Now that I know the truth, I have the rest of our lives to make this up to his family, and get to know every single thing about him like I’m supposed to.

I can’t wait.  I can’t wait to start my new life with him.

I’ve never been this happy before.

“You won’t vanish in the morning or anything will you?” He asks lazily, his eyes half closed.

I laugh at him, caress his face a little before he pulls me closer to his bare chest.  “Not unless this is all a dream that I suddenly wake up from.”

He kisses my forehead.  “This is too amazing to be a dream.”

I smile slightly, watch him drift off to sleep.  He has to be right.  There’s so much passion between us that it can’t be a dream.  This is life, this is reality, and it will always be.

With that in mind, I finally allow myself to drift off to sleep, without a care or worry in the world.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I moan a little, turn slightly and reach out for his bare chest.  “Baby can you turn it off?”

No response.  My eyes crack open a little bit, and I find that Justin isn’t there.  I don’t quite recognize where I am, either, and so I force myself to open my eyes a little wider.

Oh God.

I jolt upright, gaze around the room.  

This isn’t the bed and breakfast.

This isn’t even Memphis.

It’s Los Angeles, and I’m in my bedroom in the apartment I share with my terrible roommates.  “No...”  I shake my head roughly, feel the tears trying to push their way out from behind my eyes as I grab my phone from the nightstand.  “No...no.  It couldn’t have been.  It couldn’t have been...”  

I keep repeating it as I frantically search my phonebook for his number.  For Trace’s number.  For Sam’s...for anybody that has to do with my Justin.

But there’s nothing.

It was a fucking dream.  It was all a fucking dream.  It’s December 2nd, I’m still single, and I’m still living here, dreaming about the day I’ll be swept off my feet.

How could I have been so stupid?  What’s more, I feel like I’ve lost something so good, and so wonderful that I’ll never recover.  The pain is literally pulsing inside my gut, and I feel like I’m about to throw up.

Ten more minutes pass, and then I actually do it.

What the hell is going on? It was a just a dream right? Or was it?  Was that vortex thing playing a trick on me? Did it magically yank me through to show me what my life could have been like, only to slap me back into reality later on?   How fucked up.  I mean, I loved him.  I loved him so much, and I was going to marry him.

Shit, I must be insane.  I have to be.

I dial my mother, just to make sure.

“Hello?”

“Mom...Mom I need to ask you something.”

“Honey, are you all right? You sound horrible.”

I sniffle a little.  “I’ll be okay, I just need to know...am I engaged?”

“That would be news to me.”

My heart sinks.  “Well, have I ever...been on a date, or in a relationship with anybody remotely famous?”

“That would also be...news to me.  Lauren, are you getting out enough? Maybe you’re overworking yourself.  You should come home for the holidays early, really.  We all miss you.”

“I know...I...I’ll think about it.”

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

I actually hang up on her, and I’m sure I’ll catch hell for it later on, but right now I can’t think about that.  I’m too upset, literally sobbing moments later, knowing that everything I just felt and experienced wasn’t real.  

Or was it?

I can’t make sense of it.  I’ve never had a dream so vivid, so real, and I’ve never felt that much love from somebody else...ever.  Does that make me insane? I don’t know, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on without him, without that life.

I should have went to NYU, and because I didn’t, because I made that decision in my life, I missed out on something wonderful.  

I missed out on the love of my life, and while it’s unfair, I know there’s nothing I can do about it.  I have to move on, somehow.

But I really wish I didn’t have to, because I know how much I’m going to miss him, and that hurts.
*******
December 23

I don’t know what it is lately, but I’ve been having the craziest fucking dreams.  I’ll either be at my house, or at my mom’s, with this girl that I’ve never met before.  I’m in love with her though, in the dream.  We’re engaged too, and we argue sometimes but at the end of the day we both know that we’re meant to be together.

Her name is Lauren, but that’s all I really know.  Except, in the dream, I know everything about her.  In the dream, we’ve been together for years.

The dreams don’t stop, and I hate it.  It’s taking over my bedtime.  I told Trace about it, he says that I’m overtired, that the holiday will do me some good.  I guess he’s right.  We’re going down to Memphis for Christmas, and then we’re going up to Vail with some of our friends to snowboard and to celebrate the New Year in seclusion.  It’s my idea of the perfect holiday...and it will be, if I can shake this thing.

I just don’t know how I can.

“What time’s your flight?”

“Like eight thirty.”r32;
“Well you better be on time, son,” my mother sighs.  “Your nana is already on the warpath.  You know how she gets.”

I feel the smile tug at the corner of my mouth.  Thinking about her, about home, about being with not only my mom but my entire family makes me feel good inside.  It’s a rare occurrence, seeing them all.  I’m usually so busy that my parents have to come stay out here with me, to get that quality time in.  My grandparents are getting older, can’t travel as much as they used to, and so I know going back home for the Christmas holiday is really important.  “I plan on it, momma.”

“How are you otherwise?  You sound tired...stressed.  Is it work?”

“When isn’t it?”

It’s not a complete lie.  I’ve been doing a lot of filming lately.  The schedule is pretty grueling, even if it’s something I enjoy.  There’s more to my mood of course, but telling my mom about my dreams, is almost as crazy as showing up late to Christmas at Nana’s house.  

“Well you make sure you don’t bring that baggage with you to Memphis,” she sighs.  “All right?”

I chuckle.  “Of course not, momma.”

“All right well, I’ll let you get on with your day.  Call me before you take off and when you land though.”

“Will do.”

“Love you baby.”

“Love you too.  Bye.”  I hang up, laugh a little and rub my eyes tiredly.  I love her and miss her, but I wish she didn’t worry so much.  I know what’s behind her attitude more than anything.  She hates the fact that I’m single.  My breakup was a little harsh, and I’ve been pretty reluctant to get back out into the dating scene since then.  In this business it’s hard to meet somebody.  My schedule is constant, and it’s hard to make somebody outside of the business understand that.  If I try to date within the business, their schedules conflict with my own.  We never have a chance to be together.

Hence my single status.

My phone buzzes with a text message, and I smirk when I find that it’s my best friend Trace inviting me to have a coffee with him.  I tell him I’ll see him in twenty minutes, and start to get dressed.  For the first time in years, we won’t be spending Christmas together.  With the new baby and everything, he and his wife have decided to stay home and have his family come out here.  I understand of course, it’s just hard handling the change of pace.  Trace is settled down, married with a kid, and I’m still a bachelor.  Seeing him with his family makes me want that life too, so bad.

I just don’t know if I’m meant to have it, because my life is different from his, even if I made him a vital part of my career from the time we were kids.  I have agendas, meetings, and a reputation to uphold.  That leaves less room for relationships and family time, and I’ve been living this way for years.

Maybe it’s time for a change.  Maybe I need to be more laid back, not work as much, open my eyes a little wider and try to understand what else life has to offer me.

I guess I should try to get through the holidays first, though.

“Hey, I got you some kind of Christmas frappe bullshit.”  Trace says it to me and pushes the coffee my way, when I arrive at the cafe and sit down at our usual table in the far corner.  “Honestly, I don’t know why we come here so much.”

I shrug, keep my head lowered as always, so I won’t be spotted or photographed.  “It’s close to the house and it’s not overcrowded.”

“Still.” He rolls his eyes and takes a swig out of his coffee.  “I think we need a change of scenery or something.”

“Sam barely lets you out of the house as it is,” I laugh.  “You’re lucky we have this place at all.”

“Hey...we’re just busy.”  

“You’re whipped.  You can admit it.”

His shoulders sag in defeat.  “Fine, but you better not tell anybody else.”

I laugh.  “I don’t have to.  They already know.  You’re lucky though.  I wish my life could be that way...married, a kid.  You got it made.”

He gives me a strange look.  “When did you get so...mushy?”

“Mushy?”

“The idea of marriage freaks you out man,” he smirks.  “I didn’t think you wanted to do it.”

“Maybe I just haven’t found the right person.”

“Lauren! A Grande Mocha latte!”

I snap to attention at the sound of that name.  When I look over, I see the Barista waiting at the counter, drink in hand, ready to serve.  I’m a wreck.  Lauren is a common name.

It couldn’t be her.

“Sorry.”  “Lauren” waltzes up to the counter, digging out her money to pay the girl.

All I can do is stare.

Shit.  It is her.  I don’t know how it’s her, but it...it is her.  Exactly.  Same hair, same face, same body build.  She’s glowing, radiant, just like in my dreams.  I can almost smell that perfume of hers, the one I don’t know the name of.

It’s electrifying and I’m scared as hell.

I shake my head roughly.  “Shit.”

“You okay?”

I look up at my best friend.  Out of everybody I know, he’s the only one I could talk about this with, that might listen instead of calling me crazy.  “Remember the dream?”

“The crazy one where you were about to marry a stranger?”

“Yeah.”

He shrugs.  “What about it?”

“That’s her.”  I point a shaky finger in her direction.  “That has to be her.”

He slowly looks her way, trying his best not to be obvious.  “Justin,” he laughs.  “How can it be her?”

I continue to stare, knowing it’s going to get me in trouble, but not caring at the same time.  “I just know.”

“It was a dream, Justin.”

“Fuck, I know it was.  I just...I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t sure.  That’s her...Lauren...something.”

“So what are you gonna do?” He laughs, and drinks more of his coffee.  “Go up to her and say ‘hi, I know we’ve never met, but I totally dreamed about you the past few nights.  Let’s get married and save ourselves the courtship.’  Now, you might get lucky.  She might just fall for you right off the bat because of the career.”  He rolls his eyes and sighs.  “Wake up, Justin.”

“I just...I don’t think it would be like that.  She...she would like me for me.”

“You’ve lost it.”

I shake my head roughly, and push myself up from my seat.  “I have to know.”

“Well it’s not like I could stop you anyway.  Just try not to embarrass yourself too much, you know? It is the holidays.  I’m gonna get going, but definitely let me know how it goes.”

“Sure thing.”

He smirks.  “Good luck.”

I watch him walk away from me, and then I’m left standing there with my coffee like an asshole.  My eyes immediately land on her again.  She’s back at her own little table across the cafe, her laptop in front of her, staring at the screen.  To anybody else she would seem lost in whatever she’s working on, but I can see it on her face...it’s like she’s sad, lost...

Maybe I should make the first move.  In the dream I did.  In the dream, if I hadn’t made the first move when we met, we wouldn’t have been together.

I take a step forward, but freeze.

This is insane.  Insane, because I’m so private.  I try to avoid talking to strangers if I can, because I never know what they have in store for me.  

She closes her laptop, picks up it’s case and puts it away.

That means she’s leaving, and if I let her go, let her walk away, I have the worst feeling I might never see her again.

I don’t think I could live with that either, even if I don’t know anything about her at all.  So I suck it up, take in a long breath, and hightail it across the cafe, nearly running her down as she attempts to head for the door.

“Hey.”  I practically shout it in her face as I stick my hand out for her to shake.  “I’m Justin.”

She just stares at me, and I have no idea what to think, or what to do.

Nothing else but me and you
Nothing that I’d rather do
Than hold you all through the night
Under my tree

Damn song is playing, so I was trying to leave, but then he stopped me dead in my tracks, and I was completely fucking speechless.

I can’t believe it’s him.  I just can’t.

“Hey, I’m Justin.”

He’s standing there, sticking his hand out, waiting for me to shake it, like this is some kind of everyday occurrence...me running into Justin Timberlake at a Starbucks, like he’s known me for years.

What are the odds of this? I mean, fuck, I’ve been crying for weeks, lost in the memories of that dream.  All I can think right now is, what the hell is he doing here? And, is this another dream?

“I um...were you heading out?”  He asks me, his voice soft, as if he’s embarrassed.

I can’t help but gaze into those eyes of his.  The ones I remember so vividly from the dream, gazing back into mine like I was the love of his life.  I see a little bit of that spark in them now.  It’s like...he wants to be here, talking to me, and I have no idea why.  It’s freaking me out, and I’m trying so hard not to tremble or say something stupid.  “I...I guess I was.”

“Well, aren’t you going to tell me your name first?”

He’s flashing me that smile of his.  The one I fell in love with, the one that was so real.  I haven’t dreamed about him since that night.  Instead I tried to move on with my life as best I could over the last few weeks.  He’s stuck with me though, always running through my thoughts, interrupting my day.  It’s been taunting me, making me so upset, turned me into a partial basket case behind closed doors, knowing I couldn’t be with him.  I mean, he didn’t know who the hell I was and we certainly were never engaged.

But now, here he is.  He’s standing in front of me, introducing himself to me...and it all seems so strangely familiar.

“It’s Lauren.”

His smile brightens.  “This is going to sound strange, but don’t I know you from somewhere?”

My mouth wants to fall open in utter shock, but I clench my teeth, desperately willing myself not to do it.  “I don’t...I don’t think so.”

And stupid ass me, I brush past him, try to get away, because I’m too scared to find out what’s coming next.

“Hey...wait a sec.”

I pause, close my eyes tightly.  It has to be a dream.  It has to be.

But when I open them again, I’m still here in the cafe and I’m sure he’s still right behind me.

“We’ve never met.”  I finally say to him, as I look back over my shoulder.

He shakes his head, steps up to me again, and searches my eyes, that smile returning when he seems to find what he’s looking for.  “No...no I swear I know you from somewhere.”

“I...”  I have to suck in a breath.  Really, I could cry right now.  I actually could because I can’t shake the feeling that we belong together, even if it was all just a dream.

Everything inside is screaming at me, telling me that I love this man.

But I can’t say that.  He’ll think I’m a stalker or something.

“Maybe you’ve just seen me around.  I come here most mornings.”

“Yeah...”  He shoves his hands in his pockets.  “Maybe.”

I start to walk away again.  I have to.  It’s the only choice I have, even though it kills me inside.

“Wait, don’t go...”  He comes around the front of me, forcing me to stop so I don’t knock him over.  “I’m flying home for the Christmas holiday later, but I have a couple of hours to kill.  Do you think you’d like to have lunch or something?”

“Lunch?” I croak.

“Well...unless you...you’d rather not.”

I stare back at him.  This is my one chance, I know that now.  For some crazy reason, he’s interested in me.  Actually, he seems desperate to get to know me.  It’s almost like...he feels about me just like I do about him.  Like I came to him in his dreams, just like he came to me in mine.

Is that even possible?

I have no idea, but if I say no...I’ll lose that chance with him.  In the dream, we met in New York, and all I could think about was how I should have taken a different direction in my life, so we could have met.  Maybe fate was showing me what I could have had, maybe it was testing me to see how much I could really care about somebody that I didn’t really know at all.  Maybe fate approved, and has given us another crack at this thing.

It sounds crazy, but no crazier than anything else that’s happened this month so far.

“Well...I don’t want you to be late for your flight or anything,” I laugh nervously.

He gets serious, looks deep into my eyes, like he’s looking into my soul, and steps up to me.  Before I know it, he’s laced his fingers through mine, and I feel my cheeks getting hot.  It’s just like the dream, when he held my hands and pulled me close to him.  Exactly like the dream.  

“I feel like I need to do this, with you,” he says.  “I don’t want to miss out, you know? I just have this funny feeling about you, like I can’t let you walk away. Even if we get caught up or something...my family can live with it.”

We don’t have to get into it.  I think we both know what he means, even if it’s crazy.  “All...all right.”

We leave together, walk a few blocks down to a little restaurant, and lose ourselves for hours in a tiny little restaurant.  We laugh, share stories, and genuinely get to know the basics about one another.  

It’s like we were never apart, like we were always meant to be, and when the time finally comes, it’s so hard to say goodbye.

“So I’ll call you.”  He smiles at me after he walks me to the car.  It’s almost ten o’clock.  Justin’s flight left hours ago, but he hasn’t said much about it.  He’s seemed more content staying here with me, and I know he’s only cutting our date short because he has obligations.  “And thanks, you know...for letting me talk to you today.”

“Thanks for not letting me pass you up,” I smirk, shivering slightly when the wind starts to blow.  

“Here.”  He takes off his windbreaker and drapes it over my shoulders.  It smells exactly like how I remember it from the dream.  “Hang on to that for me until I get back.”

I pull it tighter around myself, and smile at him.  “I can do that.”

“Maybe you can come up to Colorado with me and my friends.  I’ll fly back here after Christmas and we can go together.  I think it’ll be good..you know...we can bond...”

He trails off and his cheeks get red.  Of course I know what he’s insinuating, but I really don’t have a problem with it.  “Bonding sounds good.”

He leans down, smiles and presses his lips against mine before I can say anything else.  Once I feel his skin connect with mine, I know there’s no turning back.  We’ve come full circle, out of a dream and into reality.  Even though I have no idea how it’s happened, I’ll go with it.  We’ve been given a gift, Justin and I, something very special that I have no intention of ever losing again.  

“Merry Christmas, Lauren.”

I caress his face once more as I stare into his eyes.  “Merry Christmas.”

The End