June 22, 2010

My Dearest Jewels,

Today you turn forty. An age that most women dread, but you always looked at aging as an opportunity to gain wisdom and adventure.  Our daughter, our beautiful daughter is turning sixteen today. We have a teenage daughter that is eligible to drive now.  How did that happen?

Xoxo - J

Courtney's hands grazed the words, feeling the indentation of his words on the cream colored paper.

Spring, 8 months prior.

Beautiful spring flowers filled the table in the den where Courtney was curled up in her favorite chair watching the sun set over the city of Angels. This was a rare scene for her and she was taking in every moment of it. Growing up as a child in Los Angeles was the best thing you could have asked for, now in her teenage years, she lived in a much smaller town, outside of a town. She enjoyed living near her grandmother in Millington but she missed the big city lights and smell of the Pacific Ocean in the distance.

Seeing her father in the reflection of the glass, standing in the doorway watching her made her uncomfortable. She turned slightly and asked, "Something wrong?"

Justin nodded his head letting her know that everything was fine. He slowly walked close to her before his hands wrapped around hers, sitting across from her, he exhaled deeply. "I wanted you to be the first to know..."

Her entire body tightened up, her palms instantly covered in sweat; a lump started in her stomach and worked its way up through her thought as she swallowed hard. She could only remember one other time in her life that she felt this way. She felt the anxiety of that moment all over again, the emotional waterfall that was about to begin. She thought the worst was upon her once again. Somehow she was about to lose yet another parent and have to find her way in this big world all alone.

"I asked Valarie to marry me." His face beamed with happiness.

Her face wasn't so convincing. Her normally tan complexion was a shade of pale pink, her chocolate brown colored eyes were filled with tears.

"Court..." Justin's smile turned into worry, "I thought..."

Courtney let go of her father's hand and stood from the chair, covering her face with her hands, she turned back and looked at her father once more. He was doing the unthinkable; just shy of two years to the day she lost the one person that mattered the most to her, her best friend, her mother.

December 30, 2012.

Current Day.

Seasons and relationships changed, but emotions remained the same. An unwanted wedding was near.

Courtney had done everything her father wanted her to do.  She attended all the festivities that are required in being part of a wedding. And here she was today, at the rehearsal dinner, smiling, laughing, and hugging people she didn't know nor cared to be in their presence. Somewhere deep down inside of her, she knew she had to do this for her father, even if it was not where she wanted to be.

Justin had his arms wrapped around her soon-to-be step-mother's waist, lightly kissing her on the forehead. "She'll come around, I promise." Justin rested her head on hers.

Courtney listened to their conversation from the chair in the dark study. They were unaware she was even in the same room, but she studied their every move.

Valarie shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe we shouldn't do this? We could wait. The last thing I want to do is cause her more pain. She doesn't deserve that."

"Do you not want to get married?" Justin asked cautiously.

"I want to marry you; I want the rest of my days with you, and Courtney." She smiled slightly, "I just want her to be okay with this. I want her to know that I won't replace her mother, no one ever will."

Courtney continued to listen, trying to take in their words. She wanted to accept that this was going to happen, after all she loved Valarie and knew that if anyone would treat her father the way he should be, it was her. But deep in her heart, she knew with her father having a new wife, her mother would just be a distant memory to everyone.

Since the day she lost her mother, Valarie had been her saving grace. She was there for her when her father wasn't or couldn't be. Valarie wasn't the bad guy in a messed up situation, she had always been part of the family and more like a friend than an employee of her fathers. But in the depths of Courtney's being, she couldn't accept the farewell of her mother.

The crowds of people vanished, unknowingly to her. She stood at the glass windows overlooking downtown Los Angeles. She closed her eyes; the scent of her mother overtook her emotions. She could smell the fresh vanilla scent of her shampoo lingering around her. The light breeze of the fresh flowers she always had around the house. She missed those little things.

"Courtney honey, you alright?" Lynn asked quietly.

She nodded her head not wanting to attempt to speak, knowing the tears in her eyes would boil over and her voice would crack with emotion.

"I knew your mother pretty well. She loved my son with everything she had, I was proud to call her my daughter." Lynn spoke softly. "But most of all I was proud to call her the mother of my granddaughter, a bright, levelheaded, enthusiast, center of attention, talented, loving human being. She gave me the greatest gift I could have ever received." She took Courtney's hands into hers, "Justin has been through pain that neither of us will hopefully never know, but you and I both know she would only want happiness for your father. You know somehow, this was all her doing."

The tears streamed down Courtney's face. The waterfall of emotions flooded the scene.

Lynn took her hand and squeezed it a little tighter. "If you look hard enough, you'll find the answers you're searching for. Sometimes the words are hidden beneath the sunset."

Confused Courtney walked back over to the chair in the den and sat down, covering her face from the glare of the light. Leaning to the side table for a tissue, she saw a wooden box. The box, a gift from Justin, had been hand painted by a street artist in Paris during their honeymoon. She remembered as a child her mother used to put old photographs and cards in there to keep them safe.

A sunset. The painting on the top of the box was like a photograph of the sunset on their last night in Paris. Reaching for it, she placed it on her lap before opening it slowly.

Beautiful cream colored, slightly aged sheets of stationary paper rested in her hands as the tears rolled down her face. She glanced across the paper and witnessed the date.  June 22, 2010. Courtney cupped her hand over her mouth with guilt. His neatly handwritten words tore through her being.

My Dearest Jewels,

Today you turn forty. An age that most women dread, but you always looked at aging as an opportunity to gain wisdom and adventure.  Our daughter, our beautiful daughter is turning sixteen today. We have a teenage daughter that is eligible to drive now.  How did that happen?

Xoxo - J

 September 20, 2010

My Dearest Jewels,

My heart aches with every breath that sometimes feels like I am barely able to take. I close my eyes and pretend that it's all just a nightmare that I'm trying to wake up from. But as I crawl into the ice cold sheets where I rest my head and never fall asleep, I cling to your pillow and pull in what scent is left of yours, and the reality sets in, you're gone. And that bitter emptiness is hard to bear.

Xoxo -J

Tears streamed down her face as she read the words she never knew he had felt, bitter pain he felt time and time again, but he never expressed to her. When she thought he was moving on too fast... when she thought he was only tossing his mother's memory aside, he was actually dealing with the pain.

April 22, 2011

My Dearest Jewels,

Your flowers bloomed this morning. It was like a whole new wave of emotion for me. It was almost as if I could see you on the back patio staring at them for hours like you used to, making sure they were full of color surrounding the backyard. Each flower carries a memory I hope to never forget.

Xoxo- J

May 12, 2011

My Dearest Jewels,

I write to you today with a bit of bittersweet feelings. Today I realized I had found love again. That once in a lifetime love I thought I could only share with you. Somehow, I'm sure you are the reason I found her. I hope you are reading this with happiness in your heart.

Xoxo -J

Courtney sobbed as she continued to read the words she never knew were on paper, feelings that she only wished her father has expressed out loud for her to hear.

December 25, 2011

My Dearest Jewels,

Christmas with our precious daughter is the best gift a father could ask for. She got your cooking skills. She hopped in the kitchen with Gram and Mom to make dinner. She spent all day in there cooking away. Maybe most of that was because she wanted to avoid me. I think she is against my decision to be with Valarie, which surprises me because she has always gotten along with Val. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too much for her to deal with.

Xoxo - J

April 27, 2012

My Dearest Jewels,

Guilt.

This is a rough day for me. It should be a happy day. I should be ecstatic that this has happened to me, twice in my life, but I can't help but think that I don't deserve this. Tomorrow I plan on asking Valarie for her hand in marriage. Can you believe that we fell in love after all of these years? I can only hope that you are happy that I'm happy. I am hoping you are proud of my decisions.

Xoxo-J

Courtney woke up in the chair in that den with the sun shining in her eyes. For a moment she didn't know where she was. As she looked around she saw the sheets of paper scattered all over the floor.

She jumped up gathering all the sheets into her hand, placing them back in the box. She rushed through the house, searching room to room, finally finding her father standing on the balcony of his bedroom.

She began to speak without him even facing her. "I've spent the last seven months hoping this day wouldn't come. I know you love Val and I know she loves you... but this is something that forces me to move past the death of my mother. That's a day I never wanted to see happen. Even if I need to let go a little, I didn't want to." She continued, full of emotion and tears welling up in her eyes. "I miss this. I miss L.A. I miss the ocean minutes away. I miss the sunsets from the den. I miss my friends here. But most of all I miss what Los Angeles means..." tears streamed down her face, "Los Angeles is mom. And it seems like you are taking away everything that reminds me of her..."

"Courtney Jewel." He said sternly before he realized his tone was harsher than he meant to deliver. "I would never do such a thing." He swallowed hard, "Your mother wanted you to grow up somewhere other than Los Angeles, she wanted you to have a childhood you would never forget. I have only done as she wished." The sting of the reality in his words hit him hard, she was gone, and the bitter pain she was feeling was written all over his face.

"Let me finish." She whispered. "I watched the face of someone I used to know, disappear without a trace when you lost mom, and for what felt like eternity, I finally see the light in your eyes again. Val makes you happy, I know that. I thought the new normal was seeing the dim light and sadness that we should all feel because of her death. But now..." She opened the box, "After reading your words, I know that you weren't just moving on, you were coping the best way you knew how."

Justin smiled slightly as he looked at that box. Exhaling a breath he finally managed words, "I wrote as many letters as I could to her. I wanted her to know the ups and downs of our lives. I wanted her to hear about your happy times despite the sadness. I want her to always be a part of our lives. And this was the only way I knew how to keep her around more than in my heart." He pulled her into him, hugging her as if it were for the first time all over again, "I never expected this to happen. I never expected to fall in love again. And I would never do something that hurts you or anything in spite of you. You are the only person in the world that I would not do this for."

"I want you to marry Valarie, I love her... she has been my rock when I needed her. The two of you are hopelessly in love. It was all personal issues of mine." She smiled, "Typical Hollywood story right..."

He looked at her funny.

She chuckled at her father. "You, marrying your assistant and all..."

He smiled, "I guess so."

With family and friends surrounding them, Justin married Valarie in a small intimate ceremony with Courtney willingly by their side just moments before the New Year was about to begin.

Valarie stood at the altar, dressed in a gorgeous white Vera Wang gown, with a veil gently lying down over her face. "I'm not the one good with words, and everyone here will find that out momentarily, so I will be short and sweet. Finding love at a time when someone least suspects it could be the only way to describe our relationship. I am happy to be standing here today, not only gaining a husband... She looked over at Courtney and back at Justin, "but also an incredible step-daughter. Today we take our pasts and bring them into the bright future. I love you."

"Val..." Justin stopped with his voice beginning to break and his water filled with emotion-filled tears." I wasn't sure this day would ever come, but you were. You are my life, and when I think I don't deserve you, you love me just the same. I wasn't sure if love could survive everything we put it through, but you were." Justin's hand went up to her flushed cheeks and whipped away the tears that streamed down her face. "You were always strong and always sure, even in my darkest days. And as the mirror says we're older, I will not look the other way. You are my life, my love, my only. And that's the one thing that won't change." He wrapped his hands around hers. "That I am sure of." He leaned in and kissed her forehead gently. "You give me life, and breath, and everything."

A new year, a new beginning for all of them.