My name is Addie Parker. In 2000, I was a pop singer with a semi-famous girl group called Three4One. This is my story. I kept the details short and sweet up until the part you’re probably most interested in – touring with ‘Nsync and having my heart broken.

But don’t worry, because it’s 2013 now and a lot has happened since then. Some good, some bad. And in the end, my heart has healed and I’m with the person I was supposed to have been with all along.

All accounts are true and only insignificant details have been left out.

I remember it well, the first time we ever met the guys. I was nineteen, had only one year of college under my belt, and very, very green to anything in the entertainment business. The fact that I’d been selected for this all-girl group still had not completely registered with me. I’m pretty sure I was in shock for the first few months we rehearsed together.

I came from a small town outside of Orlando and even though Orlando was a half hour from my house, we barely ventured outside of Sanford. To my family, Orlando was touristy and expensive and so most of our weekends were spent doing stuff with our church. I was pretty involved and by the time I graduated high school, I hadn’t touched alcohol, sex was illegal until you were married, and boys? Well, I’d had crushes, but nothing ever came out of it.  When I went off to the University of Central Florida, you would’ve thought that according to my parents, I was going across the country and not 45 minutes away. One thing I was allowed as a child was to take dance. In fact, dancing was a major part of my life so much so that I ended up majoring in it in college. And that’s what brought me to the audition for Three4One -a flyer up in the dance department building at UCF advertising an all girl group audition. My friend Darby along with a few of our dance major friends all decided to go check it out. I’d sung in church, but that had been it. I just did it on a whim, not thinking I’d make it past the top 100. At the end of the day, there were ten of us left and they were going to pick three. I was paired with Jen Tate and Brooke Blumfeld. Jen was a singer who did back-up work on a few country albums in Nashville. Brooke was from Boca Raton and apparently was the queen of all theatre, dance, and music at her temple. I guess Johnny Wright liked what he saw, because he kept pairing the three of us together in the final callback. And then, we were the only ones left.

Life seemed to move at the speed of lightening after that. The three of us were moved into a two-story, three-bedroom home in a gated community near Universal Studios. We practiced all hours of the day on our album, we danced from about 8am until 4pm and the rest of that was singing. I enjoyed the dance part and it didn’t take me long to figure out that I was the strongest dancer of the three and would basically be the back-up harmony, because Jen and Brooke had the solos on almost all of the songs. It didn’t matter to me. Like I said, for the most part, I was living in a huge stage of shock. My parents had begged me not to do it. I was 19, what if this flopped? Could I get my dance scholarship back? What would I do if it didn’t work out? Johnny was used to this from other parents, I guess, because he took them out to dinner one night and after that, they seemed to be fine with my decision.

After three months of rehearsals, we were to meet ‘Nsync and go out on tour with them for their last leg of “No Strings Attached.” I had obviously heard of them, but didn’t really listen to any of their music. Supposedly, Jen and Brooke hadn’t either, but the minute they walked into our rehearsal hall, their story changed and they were all over the guys, complimenting them on their songs and their success and it was kind of sickening to watch to be honest. I kind of stood back and eventually walked up to them. Lance was the first one to speak to me.

“Hi, I’m Lance,” he stuck his hand out and I shook it, smiling at him.

“I’m Addie,” I replied. “Nice to meet you.”

He was really friendly and we struck up a conversation only to find out that my grandmother had grown up in his hometown and somehow we figured out that she knew his grandmother or something. I don’t remember. I just remember that the whole time, I felt someone else staring at me. I glanced away for a minute and saw him. JC. His eyes were eyeing me up and down and I remember blushing because no guy had ever really taken notice of me. His lips formed a smile and he broke away from Brooke to come over to me.

“Hi, I’m JC,” he introduced himself.

“Addie,” I shook his hand and he squeezed it before he let go.

“We just found out our grandmothers are from the same town,” Lance told him, as JC moved closer to me.

“Really? Interesting,” I could tell JC was putting Lance off. “I hear you’re the dancer of the group.”

“We all dance,” Brooke cut in, and I nearly rolled my eyes at her. Brooke wanted to be the triple threat and hated it when Jen or I got noticed for something before she did. “Addie’s just had more experience.”

JC looked at her as though she had just told him that rain comes out of the clouds. “Right. So she’s the dancer. Don’t worry, honey, I’m sure you do well at other things.” He was teasing her, but also being a bit patronizing and Brooke shut up.

“Okay,” Johnny spoke up, interrupting the conversations going on. I looked over to see Jen laughing with Joey and Chris. Joey’s arm was already around her shoulder. “Girls, they’re here to see what you’re going to do on tour. Go ahead and get ready to dance to the track. Just lip-synch for now.”

We took our places on the rehearsal dance space. The song began to play and we began to move with fake microphones and do the choreography. Jen was singing lead on this one and Brooke and I were doing backup, but Brooke continued to try and get everyone to stare at her because she was definitely overdoing every single move. I could tell it wasn’t gelling at all with me and Jen, but I continued to do what I was supposed to do anyway. I loved dancing so it wasn’t hard for me to get really into it without having to steal the spotlight off of the other two. When the song ended, the guys cheered for us and we stood up and walked back over to them.

“So, what do you think?” Brooke tossed her long, black hair behind her shoulders.

“I think some of you need to remember that there’s three of you and not try to take anything way from anyone,” JC replied and looked right at Brooke, who turned red. JC then turned to me. “That was awesome. You really know how to move.”

“I thought it was awesome,” Justin said. “I think you guys will be great on tour with us.”

“Hey, Johnny, they should go out with us tonight. You know, just so we can get to know them better,” Chris looked over at Johnny. “Unless they have to keep practicing.”

“No, I think that’s fine. You guys discuss what you’re doing. I’ll go shut off everything in the studio,” Johnny walked away from us and soon everyone was talking about where they wanted to go. A bunch of clubs were named that I’d never even heard of –remember, I was as innocent as they come back then- and restaurants that I knew were difficult to ever get a reservation for.

“Let’s just go to Hard Rock,” Lance said. “We can call ahead and get in their back room and no one would know we were there.”

“We tried that. Remember? Some stupid fan group found out and met us at the entrance,” Justin griped. “Let’s just go to Pucks and we can decide which club to hit up after that.”

“What time should we be ready?” Jen asked.

“We’ll have the limo come get you at eight,” JC answered, still standing next to me. I could feel his eyes on me throughout the whole conversation, but I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself, so I’d just stood there and watched everything unfolding in front of me. And eight o’clock?! That was awfully late for dinner. I thought this, I didn’t say it. I figured anything I said would probably be shot down.

It was a good thing that we’d already had stylists come and redo our whole wardrobe. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have had a thing to wear to dinner that night. I chose a short black skirt and a pink halter top with black clogs. Remember, it was the 90s, so you know I at least had something going on right with my clothing choices. I thought I looked decent but when I walked downstairs and saw Jen in an even shorter skirt and Brooke in a midriff that barely covered anything, I felt overdressed. I ignored it and sat down on the couch anyway, waiting for the limo to show. I was starving at this point and had only eaten a few carrots and a leftover piece of cake in our refrigerator.

“You have been clubbing before, right Addie?” Brooke asked, as she primped in her compact mirror.

“Once,” I told her. “We went out a few weeks before school got out last year.”

“Once?!” she shot back at me. “My god, Addie, you have got to get with it. Also, Jen, did you see how JC was looking at her? I would’ve killed for that attention!”

“You would kill for any attention,” Jen responded, sitting down next to me on the couch. Jen was older than both Brooke and me. She was 24 and had more or less taken on the role of “big sister” to both of us. Brooke hated that because she was 22 and felt she didn’t need to be told what to do or how to act or anything else that Jen would tell her. She looked at me and smiled. “Addie, you don’t have to go tonight if you’re uncomfortable. But I think it would be good if you did because once we get on tour, I have a feeling there will be many nights like this ahead. Might as well get used to it, right?”

“Oh, I want to go,” I told her. Which was sort of true. I had enjoyed talking to Lance and JC. I knew I needed to get to know the other three guys and Jen was right. I needed to get used to going out late and be a real college coed for once, even if I wasn’t enrolled anymore.

“Good,” Jen patted my leg. “Also, girl, if JC keeps staring at you like he has been, you better jump on that. Most girls would give their right arm to get his attention.”

The limo picked us up and it was one of those Hummer limos that stretched on for miles it seemed. Brooke immediately went and sat between Justin and Joey and Jen sat across from her next to Chris. I awkwardly tried to sit next to Lance and pull my skirt down at the same time, but I felt a hand on my arm and looked over to see JC motioning for me to sit with him. Lance didn’t seem phased, so I went over to JC and sat next to him. I wondered if he knew he was sitting with a 19-year-old virgin who’d only been tipsy once in her life. I wondered if he knew that if he’d be trying so hard with me. I was still surprised he wasn’t looking at Jen, who was much closer to his age than me and had loads more experience at this.

JC’s arm slid around my shoulder and he turned to me and smiled. I smiled back, feeling all eyes on me, but when I looked up, everyone was involved in their own conversation. Brooke’s hand was resting on Justin’s leg and Joey had his arm around her. Jen was laughing at something Chris had said and Lance had joined in their conversation as well, so it was just me and JC. He was being awfully forward and he hadn’t really done anything, but made sure I was sitting next to him. It was the same way at dinner, which was an upscale restaurant at the top of a hotel in downtown Orlando. During dinner, JC didn’t talk to anyone else at the table but me. And by the end of the meal, I decided I was enjoying him a lot. He was pursuing me and not being shy about it. A part of me still felt bad that I’d originally tried to talk to Lance and never did finish our conversation from earlier and there was nothing I could really do about that. Anytime I tried to talk to him or anyone else for that matter, JC somehow reminded me that tonight I was his date. He didn’t say that, but it was obvious from how we’d all paired up.

The club was packed and the guys were recognized as soon as they walked in. There was no time for any reciprocation though, because we were whisked away to a back room with plush couches and chairs. There was also our own private bar. The music wasn’t as loud and there was easy access to the dance floor. I stood for a minute, watching as Jen and Chris went to the bar and Joey, Justin, and Brooke headed for the dance floor. Lance joined them, following aimlessly behind Joey.

“Okay, Addie, I want to see you in action,” JC grabbed my arm and soon we were on the dance floor. A song by Missy Elliott was playing and JC began to grind up against me. I just followed my instincts and did the same. His hands grabbed my lower half and pulled me against him and our legs were intertwined as we moved together. He turned me around and put his arm around my waist, pulling me back against him. I rested my hand on his cheek and then swiveled my hips and turned to face him again. He grinned at me and suddenly I felt someone behind me. I turned around to see it was Joey grinding against my backside. I thought JC would tell him to leave, but he didn’t, he just chuckled and soon Joey’s hands were on my waist and JC moved his up towards my chest. The song ended and a new one started.

“You’re hot when you dance,” Joey said to me. “Damn. I was watching you from over there with Brooke and you sure know what’s up!”

I had never experienced anything like that before. I felt dizzy and had to catch my breath before I said anything else. JC noticed this and pulled me against him.

“Hey, you want to get a drink?” he asked me, leading me away from Joey and back to our private room.

“Yeah,” I answered. He took my hand in his and pulled me towards the bar.

“One Heineken and…” he looked at me, waiting for my order. Oh good, the girl who doesn’t drink suddenly has to remember what it is she tasted months ago at a party. Malibu? Yes, that was it.

“Malibu,” I blurted, still out of breath.

“Just a shot?” the bartender asked me.

“Get her a Malibu and Coke,” JC told him. “We’ll be over there.” I followed him over to the couches and he looked at me, a grin on his face. “You don’t drink much, huh?”

“Nope,” I answered. “There’s a lot about me I’m sure you’d be surprised about. Which is why it’s funny to me that you’re so all about me. Have you seen Jen and Brooke?!”

JC laughed and shook his head. “I have. But you caught my eye.” His hand was resting on my leg. “You’re hot, Addie. Has anyone ever told you that?” He moved closer to me, his hand moving towards my inner thigh. I jumped at that but nothing seemed to phase him.

“No,” I looked at him. “Seriously, JC, I’m new at, well, everything. I still think they made a mistake when they put me in this group.”

“No, they didn’t,” he moved a strand of hair from my face and gently began to caress my cheek with his thumb. “You’re different from Jen and Brooke. And I’m glad.”

Our drinks arrived and he broke away from me to drink his beer. I sipped on my rum and coke at first, but realizing that I was extremely parched, soon began to chug on it through the straw.

“Do you want another one?” he asked, standing up with his beer. He didn’t wait for me to respond, only went to the bar and in a few minutes, was back with another one. He handed it to me and even though I wasn’t as thirsty, I still managed to drink it as though it were a bottle of water.

JC put his beer down and rested his hand once again on my thigh. He began to stroke it and I was feeling all kinds of things I’d never felt before. He looked at me, his eyes blazing holes into mine. “Addie,” he moved closer and soon our faces were inches from each other. “Have you ever been kissed?”

I hated this question. No, I hadn’t. I’d gone to a party in middle school where we played Spin the Bottle and had been kissed on the cheek by Luke Kramer, but that didn’t count and I knew it. I shook my head and JC leaned into me, his lips touching mine softly at first. I had no idea kissing would be so natural. I’d heard that before, because I had freaked out about it once to my roommate, but she had told me that when it happens, you just know what to do. It was true. Soon JC’s tongue was dancing around with mine and I was pulling him on top of me, not caring that we were in some club and anyone who walked past the private room could easily see us. His hand roamed up my thigh again and pushed my skirt up to my stomach. He began to rub me on the outside of my panties and I suddenly gasped and pushed him away.

“What?” he asked still kissing me.

“Just, um, I mean, we’re here in public and….” I started to say. “JC, I’m sorry, this is my first time doing anything like this and I guess I’m just a little paranoid.”

“You wanna go to the limo?” he stood up and pulled me with him. “The others won’t be back for hours. We’ll be safe in there.”

I really didn’t want to go, but I did want to go. I was fighting with myself. I’d never even been on a real date or kissed anyone and JC had done more with me on this whatever this was than I’d ever expected to do until I had a serious boyfriend. I could hear my preacher yelling from the pulpit about fornication. Fornication was wrong. Fornication would send you to hell. Don’t fornicate.

Soon we were inside of the limo. He was on top of me, his hands under my skirt again. I felt his fingers pulling down the panties I had on and gasped, closing my eyes. He knew. He knew this was all new for me. I’d never done anything and he knew it. But apparently he didn’t care because nothing was stopping him. When I felt his finger inside of me, I involuntarily bucked against him and let out some sort of moan that I probably couldn’t conjure up again if you asked me.

“Addie,” he spoke just above a whisper. “Are you okay with me doing this?”

I could barely muster a “Yeah,” and JC continued.

“You’ve never had an orgasm have you?” he whispered.

I didn’t answer. This was much too enjoyable. I knew most girls had already done much more at my age and so when he removed his fingers and replaced it with his tongue, I was immediately sent over the edge. Waves of pleasure rushed through me, my hands pulled on his hair and I cried out, my legs shaking and my insides feeling like mush. I was sweating and didn’t know what to do next. I just knew I wanted him. I wanted him now.

“Are you okay?” he kissed his way up to my lips and was on top of me. My skirt had been discarded and I could feel him pressed against me through the fabric of his jeans.

“I-yeah, I think so,” I couldn’t move and I felt myself still twitching down below.

“I want you so bad,” his lips sucked at the skin on my neck. “Do you want me?” He was already removing his jeans and I knew. I knew what we were going to do tonight.

“Yes,” I managed to say. “But I-I mean….”

“It’s okay. I’ll go slow,” his jeans were on the floor of the car now along with my skirt and panties. He rose up and I watched him hovering over me. I still couldn’t believe all of this. That morning, if you had told me I would be having sex that night, I would’ve told you that you were crazy.

“Um, JC?” I looked at him, knowing we were seconds away. “Do you have something? I mean, I’m not on the pill or, or anything.”

“It’s okay,” he assured me. “You’ll be fine.”

Well, okay, if he was sure. I was new at this. I’d just heard from my friends that you were supposed to make sure there were condoms around. But if he was positive, then, I guess…

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt him slowly enter me. I winced in pain. This was not pleasurable at all. In fact, it hurt and it was uncomfortable. JC saw the look on my face and pulled out, only to go back in even slower. “Is that better?” he asked and I had to admit it was, but it still hurt. He began to push inside of me and I watched him as he came in and out. He looked down at me and kissed me and I clung to him, giving in and rocking back with him. He reached down and began to massage me, and I suddenly felt like I had moments before when he had gone down on me. Another orgasm rushed through me, though not as powerful as the first. And it still hurt and I was praying he’d finish soon.

He groaned and I suddenly felt him release inside of me. He didn’t move for a few seconds and then, slowly pulled himself off of me. I laid there in a state of shock and stupor. I had just had sex. I had just had sex with JC from ‘Nsync. It was my first time and I was no longer the chaste girl I played in front of people. I sat up slowly and reached for my skirt. My hands were shaking and I was exhausted.

“Are you okay?” he asked me, while he was pulling on his jeans.

I slowly nodded. “I’ve never done that before,” it was all I could say because I began to realize that he wasn’t my boyfriend and I had just had sex with someone I’d met only 12 hours ago. I felt disgusting all of the sudden.

JC reached over and touched my arm. “It’s okay. You were fine,” he kissed my cheek. “C’mon, let’s go back inside.” I followed him, my legs still wobbly, my head still spinning, and my heart wanting to be with this man more than anything else in the world.

It’s probably no surprise that I ended up going home with JC that night. By the time we got back to his place, I’d had three more Malibu and Cokes and was officially drunk. I wasn’t wasted beyond remembering, because I do remember that when we got back to his house, we had sex two more times, once on his bed and the other on his floor. I also remember that the next two times were much better and didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the first. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much he wanted me and how good it felt to be inside of me. I could only respond with grunts and gasps and sighs because I’d never been like this with anyone else.

The next morning, I woke up with a pounding headache and felt as though someone had hit me in the head with a 4x4. JC was prepared with four Tylenol and a large glass of water. He’d set it next to my side of the bed and I immediately took it, feeling like I wanted to throw it up once it was down. I lied down again and looked next to me. His side was empty and I heard the shower running. The alarm clock boasted 9:00 and I was relieved that it was Sunday and we didn’t have a rehearsal that day. However, I knew my mother would be calling me promptly at 12:30 to inquire if I’d found a church to go to yet. Truth be told, I had visited once or twice a little church down from the house I was living in, but by the time Sundays rolled around, I was too tired to even think about sitting in a pew for two hours. And after today, the last thing I wanted to hear was how I was going to hell for being drunk and having sex.

That was another thing. My thighs were sore and I felt different. Well, obviously, you have sex for the first time and you feel different, I know that now. But I felt awakened for the first time in my life. All I wanted was to be with JC now. He told me I knew what to do with my hips on our last go. That was a compliment, right? I slowly sat up and sipped on my water once more. Should I get dressed? Would he want to go again? A part of me hoped he would because I needed the practice. Plus, I was enjoying it. A lot. I sighed and lied down again, my head still pounding and I felt nauseated. At that moment, I heard the bathroom door open and JC walk out with a towel wrapped around his waist. I looked over at him and he smiled at me, walking over to my side of the bed.

“How are you?” he asked, sitting down next to me and stroking my face with his fingers.

I smiled at him weakly. “My head is killing me,” I said.

“I figured it would be,” he leaned down and kissed me and I pulled him closer. “Oh, you wanna go again, huh? Three times isn’t enough?”

“Mm-m,” I mumbled between kisses.

Soon his towel was discarded and he had pulled back the sheets and was on top of me again. This time it felt even better. In fact, he didn’t have to do anything but thrust inside of me because he hit all the right spots almost immediately. He pulled my hips toward him and pulled out, then pushed himself back into me.

“Say my name,” he growled. “Tell me who makes you come like you do.”

I couldn’t get his name out. I couldn’t even form the words. I opened my mouth and when I said his name, he pushed even harder into me. I pulled his hair, grabbing at anything I could hold onto. Then, my nails dug into his back and he bit my neck. It was definitely different this time. And I kind of liked it. I was relieved since after our first go, I was wondering if sex would ever be something I enjoyed. I was so glad I was wrong.

He literally collapsed next to me and neither of us said anything. We were both panting for breath and I was sweating everywhere. I looked over at him and he caught my eye and didn’t say anything, only leaned over and started kissing me. Ok, we could do this all morning. I had no objections. In fact, if he never took me back to the house, I’d be fine with it.

“I guess I better get you home,” he sighed, and stood up from the bed. He grabbed his towel, which had landed in a bunch on the floor and wrapped it around his waist again. I still lay there, wanting him to lie next to me.  

“I don’t have to,” I said. “I mean I have nothing to do today.”

JC grinned at me. “Oh yeah? You wanna stay in my bed the rest of the day?”

I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. I do,” it was one of the first times I said what I was thinking. Normally, I probably would have said, “If it’s ok with you” or something polite and stupid like that.

“Sorry, baby, I got a lot of work to do today,” he leaned down and kissed my forehead. “We leave in two days for the tour and there’s a bunch of shit I need to finish before we go.”

“Oh,” I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice. Especially knowing that he’d be gone in two days and we weren’t joining them for another three weeks.

“Hey,” he sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed my foot, giving it a little shake. “You wanna come over tonight?”

“Really?” I felt like a little kid being asked if I wanted ice cream for dessert.

“I’ll call you later today,” he squeezed my foot before he got up. “I made coffee. It’s downstairs if you want some.”

I finally got out of bed and put on my clothes from the night before, thankful that I was getting dropped off and nobody but my band mates would see me in the same clothes I had slept in. “The walk of shame” as Darby had called it once when we’d seen two girls walk across campus in their evening gear one morning. I wondered if Jen and Brooke would question me about anything. What was I thinking? Of course they would. They knew I was a virgin –scratch that, I had been a virgin- and I had seen the look on Brooke’s face when the limo pulled up to the house and JC told them I was coming home with him. I don’t know why she was shocked – she’d been literally all over Joey the night before.

The drive back to the house was quiet. JC drove with one hand on the wheel and his other on my upper thigh, giving it a squeeze every so often. I rested my head back against the seat and looked out the window. I had a lot to process. My life had literally changed in a matter of 24 hours. I placed my hand on top of JC’s and he linked his fingers through mine. He hummed along to the radio and occasionally caught my eye and smiled at me.

“Can I ask you something?” I spoke up, as he pulled into the driveway.

“You can ask me anything,” he squeezed my hand and leaned closer to me.

“I’ve never been in any kind of, um, whatever this is before,” I said, as honestly as I could. “And I’m still kind of in shock that you’d even notice me, let alone sleep with me. So, I guess what I’m asking is, is this…” I couldn’t finish what I was going to ask because I had no idea how to form the words without sounding like a stupid teenager.

JC chuckled and stroked my cheek with his thumb. He leaned over and kissed my lips, parting them with his tongue and then pulled away. “I think you’re a lot hotter than you think you are. And I think you know what you’re doing better than you think you do. You were amazing last night. And this morning. Damn, Addie, you knew exactly what to do. I’m attracted to girls who know how to move and aren’t cocky and you’re both. And I definitely want to see you again.”

I have to admit, I was relieved. A part of me knew that this could turn into a one -night stand. Another part of me was hoping that JC would be my first official relationship with a man. I smiled at him and kissed him back, this time tugging on his bottom lip with my teeth. This made him kiss me back even more aggressively, until finally I pulled away.

“I better go inside now,” I told him, reluctantly. I grabbed a pen I saw laying on the floor of his car and then grabbed his arm, carefully writing the house’s phone number on it. “Call me about tonight.”

“I will,” he kissed me again and I got out of the car, my legs a little wobbly and my head still fuzzy. He watched me until I was inside the house. As soon as I closed the door and turned around, Jen and Brooke were standing in the foyer, their faces expectant to hear what had happened.

“It’s 10:30,” Brooke said, and I couldn’t tell if she was being snappy about it or not. “We have coffee on in the kitchen and a seat waiting for you to sit in and tell us what the hell you did last night.”

I couldn’t help but smile. I felt giddy inside, like something had been released in me. It was like wild abandon and I liked it. I didn’t say anything, only walked toward the kitchen, the girls fast on my heels. I took a mug out of the cabinet and poured the coffee into it, then sat down at the kitchen table where both of them had taken a seat.

“Well,” I cleared my throat. “We had sex. And I spent the night. And we had sex again this morning.”

“Wait, how many times?” Brooke nearly demanded. I still couldn’t tell if she was pissed off at me or not.

I was silent and counted in my head. Once in the limo, twice when we’d gotten home, once this morning. “Four,” I bit on my lower lip, as both of the girls’ mouths hung open.

“Whoa! Damn, Addie! I didn’t know you had it in you!” Jen reached across the table and took my hand. “Please tell me you were careful. Are you on the pill?”

“Well, no, I’m not. But we were careful,” I was lying through my teeth. Fornication. Drunkenness. Lying. I was on a roll this weekend.

“And?!” Brooke motioned with her hand to tell me to go on.

“And what?” I sipped on my coffee and leaned back in the chair.

“And are you together? Was this just a one time thing?” she wanted to know.

“He said he wanted to see me again. He has our phone number and wants me to come back tonight,” I couldn’t help but smile sheepishly when I told them the last part.

“Well, we actually invited them all over for dinner tonight,” Jen told me. “So he’ll be here. Justin’s planning on telling him today.”

“Yeah, hopefully we’ll get to try out the hot tub,” Brooke smirked. She looked at me. “So, how was your first time? And also, where was your first time?”

“It wasn’t so great for me. He seemed to enjoy it,” I replied, circling the rim of the mug with my finger. “But it got better and this morning was pretty great.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” Brooke rested her chin on her hand, her elbow propped up on the table.

“She doesn’t have to,” Jen retorted. She looked at me. “Addie, tomorrow we should probably get you on birth control. If we’re going to be with them for three months, you’re going to need something.”

I changed the subject. “So, what about you two? What about Chris and Joey and Justin?” I prodded. Hell, if JC and I had gotten it on in the limo, I was sure Jen and Brooke could’ve done it anywhere.

“I made out with Justin a little bit,” Brooke sighed, a bit bored sounding. “Turns out he was trying to get back at Britney. Or that’s what Joey told me.”

“I figured you made out with Joey,” I said to her. After I’d seen her all over him a few times last night, I was honestly surprised she wasn’t at his house.

“I did,” Brooke grinned at me. “The first half of the night, I fooled around with Joey. The second half, I made out with Justin.” She giggled. “This tour is going to be fun. We all have our little buddies.”

“I kissed Chris but it wasn’t anything,” Jen shrugged. “We’ll see tonight, I guess.” She looked at me, getting serious for a minute. “Are you sure you’re okay, Addie? Your first time’s a big deal. Don’t let him tell you differently.”

“He didn’t, “ I answered, a little defensively. “He was really sweet about it. He told me he liked the fact that I wasn’t cocky and that I knew how to dance. He likes dancers.”

“That’s fine, Addie. I just feel like last night was a pretty big night for you. You were pretty drunk when we were going home. And I know you’ve never been drunk before-“

“Honestly, Jen. I’m okay,” I tried to convince her, but deep down, I had a million things I wanted to process by myself.

I took a shower and changed into a tank top and yoga pants. My room was at the end of the hallway, kind of off by itself. I was thankful for that because I needed to be alone. I lied on my bed, looking up at the ceiling and thought about every single detail from the night before and this morning. It all seemed like a dream and I couldn’t believe I’d lost so much in one night. I mean, I wasn’t saving myself for marriage, but I’d thought my first time would be with someone who’d told me he loved me. JC hadn’t done that and even though I was naïve, I wasn’t stupid. I knew I didn’t love him. But still. It had been amazing. I felt like a completely different person. I felt freed from the little girl I had been carrying around with me until I met him. Within minutes, I’d given myself to him without thinking. Without caring. I wanted it just as much as he did. It was fast and I knew that. But I was ready for whatever happened with him. It was exciting and scary all at the same time.

The guys showed up around six, all except for JC, who had called earlier to say he’d be running a little late, but to please tell me that he would be there as soon as he could. It made me feel even more excited. He had made sure I knew he was on his way to see me. We all ended up on the patio and Chris and Joey went inside to mix drinks for everyone. Johnny had made sure our kitchen was stocked full of good liquor, beer, and wine, even though he’d made us promise to be wise about using it. In other words – don’t get drunk the night before a show or an interview. I sat down on the patio couch with Lance, who was drinking a beer. Justin and Brooke had gone on over to the hot tub and were already jumping in.

“How was the rest of your night?” Lance asked, his eyes dancing and I knew he knew what had happened. Obviously. He’d still been in the limo when JC announced I was going back to his house.

“It was, um, nice,” I answered, a smile forming on my lips. “How was yours?”

“Well, I didn’t go home with anyone,” he chuckled and took a swig of his beer. “Anyway. How do you like where they put you up?”

“Nicer than anything I’ve ever lived in, that’s for sure,” I propped my feet up on the table in front of the patio couch. Music began blasting from the speakers and Joey, Chris, and Jen came outside with a tray of alcohol and food. There were mostly shots of something I didn’t recognize and Chris was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and drinking straight from it.

“Where’s your grill?” Joey asked Jen, who was carrying a plate of hamburgers and hotdogs. She pointed over to the hot tub where Brooke and Justin were already making out. So much for her disappointment about being a rebound from Britney, who, I found out, was still dating Justin and Justin had been pissed that she hadn’t been able to join them on a few tour dates. Apparently, they played this game with each other and whenever one was pissed off at the other, would go find a random person to fool around with. I heard all of this from Brooke a few minutes before the guys arrived.

“Geez, get a room!” Chris hollered at them. Justin lifted his middle finger up at Chris, and continued to kiss Brooke.

“Do you guys always get along so well with your tour partners?” I asked Lance, as I took a shot from the tray Chris handed me. “What is this?” I looked at Chris.

“It’s called a Chris Special. Rum, Vodka, and Schnapps,” he replied. “Shoot it.”

I looked at him as if he were crazy, but did the shot anyway. I winced and shook my head as it burned in my chest. I put the shot glass down on the table and literally dove for a handful of chips to get the taste out of my mouth.

“That was awful!” I told him. “Chris, Brooke has a Bartender’s Bible in one of those cabinets. You should look through it.”

“It’s more fun to see you react like that,” he winked at me and went over to Joey and Jen at the grill.

“To answer your question,” Lance spoke, “Yeah, we get along well with our opening acts, but you guys are a lot of fun. More fun than most.”

“Chris! What the hell are you trying to do? Kill all of us?!” Joey spat out the shot. “What is in that?!”

“Alcohol. Lots of it,” Chris took the shot glass from Joey. “This is fun. You guys should just open your own bar from here.” He headed back inside.

“I think I’m gonna join the hot tub party,” Lance looked over at Justin and Brooke, who had stopped kissing and were quietly talking to one another. “Wanna come?”

“Sure,” I stood up and took off my bathing suit cover-up and followed Lance over to the hot tub. We climbed in and Justin and Brooke broke apart, making room for us. I don’t know how long we were in there, but it was long enough for Lance and Justin to start goofing around and making me and Brooke laugh at them. I looked over to see JC walking towards us, his face somber and unyielding.

“Hi!” I waved at him, hoping he’d smile at me, and he did, but it was a forced smile and I suddenly became anxious. The thought of the one-night stand began to reverberate in my head and I wondered if I’d been wrong.

“I was calling for you when I came in,” he told me, his voice soft. He rested his hand on the side of the hot tub and I placed mine on top of it.

“I’m sorry. We just got in for a few minutes. There’s room for you, though,” I pointed out the spacious hot tub to him. Justin and Brooke watched us like they were watching a tennis match. Lance looked as though he wanted to hide.

His face relaxed and the smile was now genuine, which caused me to feel more at ease. “I’ll get in later,” he pulled at my arm. “Why don’t you give me a tour of the place.”

I made my way out of the hot tub and grabbed a towel that was sitting on a patio chair. I wrapped it around my waist and followed JC inside the house. He turned to me and his face was firm again. “I don’t like seeing my girl in a hot tub with another guy,” he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “It just looked weird to me.”

I was confused. I wasn’t even sitting that close to Lance or to Justin. And after what we’d just experienced the last 24 hours, how could he even think I’d want to try anything with anyone else?

“I wasn’t, I mean, nothing happened. I was just in there with friends,” my voice cracked and my stomach felt twisted inside.

“I know, baby,” JC pulled me to him. “But you’re so beautiful, who knows what those guys might try with you.”

I had to laugh at that. “Your friends? Your band mates? C’mon, JC, you know-“

“Just trust me, okay? I know you wouldn’t do anything,” he kissed my cheek and then down to my neck. “Right?”

“R-right,” I nearly whispered, and pulled away from him. “But, really, JC, you don’t think Lance would ever-“

“I don’t know,” he took my chin in his forefinger and thumb. “I just know that you looked so hot sitting in there with them, that it makes me worry is all.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist and looked up at him. “I promise you. I would never, ever do anything like that nor would I let anything like that happen to me. Okay?” I reached up to peck his lips.

He seemed to like my answer, because he kissed me back, this time harder and more passionately. “Show me your bedroom,” he whispered, his breath hot in my hear. I felt his tongue flick against my neck and my thoughts turned to jelly.

We made it to my bedroom and JC locked the door behind us. My head got that dizzy feeling again and he took control, leading me to the bed and groping me as we fell onto it. His hands wandered to the back of my bikini top and he expertly untied it, throwing it on the floor. He stood up and surveyed me, before taking off his t-shirt and suit bottoms, then crawled back on top of me again.

When we came back downstairs, everyone else was sitting around the patio, drinking and eating. JC handed me a plate and we joined everyone else. I looked over at Lance and smiled weakly at him. He didn’t return the smile, only looked down at his food. I sighed inwardly and ate slowly. I tried not to think about how weird JC had been when he’d gotten to the house. And not that I knew Lance all that well or anything, but he didn’t seem like the type to come onto other people’s girlfriends. Especially someone he worked with so closely. JC finished his hamburger and leaned back into the cushioned patio couch we were sharing. He pulled me back with him and I had no choice but to lean against him. The conversation was going from what to expect on tour to past tour experiences to Joey’s tale of walking in on Britney and Justin in a dressing room. This made Justin blush and defensively state that had Joey knocked it wouldn’t have happened, to which Joey replied that Justin should’ve locked the door.

I finished my hamburger and put the plate on the table in front of me, then rested my head under JC’s neck as we listened to the rest of the story. JC didn’t say much, his fingers were drawing circles around my arm.

As the evening drew on, it began to get somewhat chilly, so I got up and went inside to grab a blanket from the living room. When I walked back, Lance was inside, pouring himself a drink.

“Hey,” I ventured to say. “I’m really sorry about what happened. I tried to tell him-“

Lance shook his head. “Addie, I don’t know you that well and obviously, I’m not going to get to know you very well, but just know something, okay? JC’s pretty possessive of his girlfriends. That’s why his last one broke up with him. He doesn’t really trust Justin at all and I don’t know what I ever did to make him lose trust in me, other than talk to Bobbie after she dumped him. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Just be careful, okay?”

I could only nod and even though I wanted to know more, headed back outside before JC suspected anything. We could deal with this later. Not now. Not when I only had two more days left with him. And not when it was all so new to me. I settled next to him again and draped the blanket across both of us. The sun had set and it was dusk, so Jen lit the torches around the patio area to give us more light. More drinks were being passed around and I saw Justin and Brooke sharing a joint. Hours later, everyone was either high or wasted. I was enjoying a buzz from whatever it had been that Chris gave me –I had two- and the conversation had turned into nothing but intellectual stupidity with those who’d smoked. Lance and Justin were trying to debate which beer got you more drunk. They were both high out of their minds and all Brooke was doing was giggling at them.

I felt JC’s fingers drumming across my inner thigh and I snuggled closer to him, pulling the blanket tighter around us. They walked their way towards my bathing suit bottom and soon he was pulling me back against him completely undetected. Not that anyone else was paying us any attention. Jen was kissing on Chris and Brooke, when not giggling, was all over Justin. He didn’t seem to mind, even when he was trying to debate the beer topic. So JC’s fingers inside of my bathing suit didn’t seem to be all that major with everything else going on.  I was trying my best not to make it obvious. I was trying my best to act as though I was just sitting back in his lap that he wasn’t doing anything to make me want to cry out.

“Don’t you dare make a peep,” his voice was velvety against my ear. He tugged at my earlobe with his teeth. His fingers were on my most sensitive area and I was doing my best not to pant or gasp. This was hot. This was something I couldn’t believe I was letting happen. Everyone was in front of us. They could all very easily turn around and look at what was going on. But they were all into their own thing. When I saw Brooke straddle Justin, I knew it didn’t matter anymore. I let myself go and JC let me bite his finger so I wouldn’t make a sound.

His hand rested on my bare stomach and he held me against him, both of us acting as natural as we possibly could. Chris stood up and Jen dragged him behind her back into the house. Lance took another hit, passed it to Joey, who then threw the joint on the ground and put it out with his foot. They stood and walked into the house. Justin and Brooke were really going at it now. I couldn’t tell exactly what was going on, but I didn’t want to stick around and see a live showing of it, so I stood up and JC stood up with me. I looked up at him and gave him a flirtatious smile. He pulled me against him and we moved away from Justin and Brooke and back to the other set of patio furniture, tucked away from view. The night air was crisp and cool, but neither of us noticed it. He pulled me into his lap and took my hand in his.

“Addie,” he whispered and placed my hand between his legs. “Will you please me, baby? The way I pleased you?”

“I don’t know-“ I started to say, but he shook his head and suddenly began to move my hand up and down with his. I got the hang of it quickly and watched his face, getting turned on knowing that I was doing this to him. He pulled my hand away and stared into my eyes, gently pushing me off of him until I was kneeling in front of him. His hand was on the back of my head and soon I was bracing myself against his thighs, as he told me as quietly as he could what he wanted me to do to him. Before he could finish, he pulled me back into his lap and I straddled him, enjoying this whole new experience yet again.

“Hey, Jace, you need a ride-“ Lance walked outside and I gasped, immediately toppling over on the couch, doing my best to cover myself.

“Shit, sorry man,” he turned back around and JC cursed at him. Suddenly, he stood and pulled his suit back up to his waist and stomped inside. I could hear him yelling at Lance and watched from the sliding glass doors. Lance kept trying to apologize, but JC wasn’t hearing any of it.

“Stop it!” I came in and raised my voice at JC, who stopped and looked over at me. “He didn’t mean to!”

“He can’t even drive. You’re wasted and high, you idiot,” JC spat at Lance, then looked back at me. “C’mon, Addie. We’re going upstairs.”

“Apologize,” I heard myself saying, not sure if it was me or the alcohol.

“Or what?” JC folded his arms and walked over to me. “C’mon, Addie, don’t be so soft with him.”

“JC, I’m not kidding. You’re being an ass!” Ok, that was the alcohol.

“It’s fine, Addie,” Lance muttered. “I’m gonna go sleep on the couch.”

“Good,” JC slurred and looked down at me. “Taking his side?”

“I’m not doing this,” I walked away from him and headed for the stairs. I could hear him behind me, but ignored it. He followed me into my bedroom and watched as I began to undress.

“Addie, come on-“

“Not until you tell me why you’re so jealous of Lance,” I threw a camisole over my head and rummaged around until I found a pair of boxers, then went to sit on my bed.

“This conversation is dumb. We’re both drunk,” JC said. “Let’s just go to sleep and talk about it tomorrow.”

“Fine,” I pulled back the covers and hopped in, JC nestling in next to me. Neither of us said a word for a while. I figured he was asleep until he spoke.

“Addie?”

“What?”

“I know this is new. All of it. I’m sorry. I was an ass,”

“I just don’t understand what you have against Lance,”

“Don’t worry about it,” I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull me against him. “I really am falling for you, baby. I’m sorry. I was just caught off guard.” He kissed my shoulder blade. “When you come on tour, I want you sharing a bus and a bed with me every night. Promise me we’ll do that.”

I didn’t answer. I felt unsure for a minute. I wanted to know why he was so angry at Lance. I wanted to know why he was apparently so possessive. I wanted to know more about this man that I was sleeping with now. But again, I was young then. And I didn’t have the wherewithal to even begin to process those feelings or emotions. All I knew was that this older guy -this attractive, older, famous guy-wanted to be with me. And that the “me” from nearly two days ago was transforming into a completely different person, only I didn’t even realize it yet.

“Addie,”

I heard a voice calling my name, but still kept my eyes closed. It couldn’t be time to wake up already, could it? I was pretty sure we’d fallen asleep around 4:00 that morning and I was still exhausted.

“Addie!” the voice became more impatient sounding and I groaned and opened my eyes. Brooke was standing at the foot of my bed. She was still in her pajamas, so I hoped that meant that it still gave me more time to go back to sleep. I looked over and JC was next to me, sound asleep and snoring softly.

“What?” I mumbled, closing my eyes again and laying back on the pillow.

“Wade Robson’s coming over to meet with us in a few minutes about the new song,” she told me. “Get up.”

“You’re still in your pajamas,” I pulled the covers back over me, snuggling against JC’s back.

“I’m about to change. I was coming in here to wake you. C’mon!” She closed the door loudly as she left, causing JC to stir.

“What was that?” he asked, his voice muffled into the pillow.

“We have a meeting with Wade,” I told him, slowly getting up from the bed and seeing it was only 8:30. “You can sleep, I’ve got to go downstairs.”

JC didn’t say anything and I assumed he’d gone back to sleep, until I was nearly dressed and he’d suddenly come behind me and started kissing my neck. “Come back up here when you’re done,” he bit at my earlobe. “We never got to finish what we started last night.” I was putty in his hands and couldn’t move from his hold on me. His hands were on my waist and they moved their way down into the drawstring sweats I’d put on. I rested the back of my head against his chest and closed my eyes, willing myself to move, but not being able to physically do it. He had all the power in the world over me, and back then, I didn’t see anything wrong with that. He was older, and I thought that meant he should always call the shots.

“You like that?” his breath was hot in my ear as he massaged me between my legs.

“I-I have to go,” I was trying to speak, but it sounded more like a whimper.

“I don’t think you’re ready,” he pushed me against the dresser, pulled the drawstrings down to my ankles and suddenly pushed himself in from behind. “I love being inside of you, Addie. You feel so good, baby.”

I could hear commotion downstairs and tried to ignore it. I knew Wade had probably just gotten to the house. My concentration was sidetracked for a second and JC knew it.

“No, Addie. Ignore that. You’re with me right now,” he went in harder, his fingers still working their way between my legs. “Come on baby. Come for me. Come for me and then you can go to your meeting.”

“Addie!” I heard Jen calling for me from downstairs. “Let’s go! Wade’s here!”

“Don’t listen to her,” JC pushed me harder against the dresser, his fingers massaging me even faster.

“Addie! Seriously, you’re wasting time!” Brooke was yelling now.

“Did you hear that? Don’t waste their time,” JC chuckled in my ear. “Do it. Come for me. Now.” And that was all he had to say. I was sent over the edge and nearly toppled over the dresser. His orgasm came soon after and he had me pinned between him and the dresser drawers.

I tried to collect myself as fast as I could and ran out of the bedroom, flying down the stairs. Jen and Brooke both looked at me suspiciously and I saw Jen shake her head. They weren’t stupid and I knew I was flushed from what had just happened. Wade didn’t seem to care. It looked like he’d partied just as hard as we had the night before, judging from the bags under his eyes. He was curiously looking over at the recliner, where Joey was still asleep. I wondered where the other three were, but didn’t have time to ask.

“Looks like you guys had fun last night,” he motioned towards Joey. “Okay, so we’re meeting today at two to go over the routine. Johnny wants me to watch it and critique anything, and then we’re learning a new one for the tour. He said to tell you that you could have the morning off to rehearse or rest but that we have to meet at two sharp, no exceptions…” Wade kept talking and I pretended I was listening but my head was still reeling from being with JC. I’d lost count now of just how many times we’d had sex and I knew that if I didn’t get on the pill soon, it would just be bad all around.

“What time is it?” Chris stumbled out of Jen’s room and looked over the banister railing. “Oh, hey Wade!”

I looked up at Chris and then over at Jen, who winked at me. Chris walked downstairs and came over to us.

“How many of them are you hiding?” Wade asked us, teasingly.  “Where are Lance and Justin?”

“Justin’s upstairs,” Brooke answered, and I knew she meant in her bed. “And Lance left early this morning.”

“Is JC here, too?” Wade wanted to know.

Jen and Brooke both turned to me and I blushed. “Um, yeah. He is,” I stammered, not looking up at any of them.

“Wow. You sure didn’t waste any time, that’s for sure,” Wade chuckled.

I heard my bedroom door open and looked up to see JC standing at the top of the stairs. I was sitting across from Wade, who had pulled out a few pictures of what he was hoping the dance would look like once it was finished. “And Addie, you’re the strongest dancer, so you’re gonna end-“ he stopped and stood to show me the move- “like that. Really sexy.”

“Hey Wade,” JC greeted him as he came down the stairs.

“C, what’s up,” Wade looked over and smiled at him. JC didn’t return the smile and I suddenly became nervous and wondered if this would be like the fight with Lance the night before.

JC didn’t say anything, only went into the kitchen and Chris followed him. I heard them whispering to each other from my spot on the couch.

“…dude, calm down. He was saying the move was sexy. That’s all,”

“You see the way he looks at Britney. He was looking at Addie the same way!”

“You’re blowing it out of proportion…”

I looked to see if Jen or Brooke had heard any of that, but they were focusing on what Wade was showing them and thankfully hadn’t. I tried to pay attention to the rest of the meeting and ignore the pit in my stomach. He couldn’t really be this deceived could he? Not every guy was going to hit on me, for goodness sake. Finally, Wade stood and headed toward the door. We said our goodbyes and then went into the kitchen where JC and Chris had helped themselves to a cup of coffee.

“He’s so great,” Brooke sighed, and went to get a coffee mug. “So nice. So down to earth. Not to mention, I bet he’d be amazing in bed.”

“Is that all you think about?” Jen rolled her eyes.

“You should be asking Addie and JC that,” Brooke retorted and flashed a grin at me and then at JC.

“Shut up,” I said quietly, then walked over to the kitchen table, sitting down next to him. “Hey. Did you go back to sleep?” I was trying anything to change the subject, because he was sitting there with a scowl on his face.

“Nobody calls you sexy but me,” he looked right into my eyes. “He shouldn’t have said that.”

“He-he wasn’t, JC,” I started. “He was just saying-“

“C, don’t do that to her. Seriously, he was calling the dance move sexy,” Chris spoke up.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Brooke piped up and shot a glare at JC. “What do you mean nobody calls her sexy but you? He wasn’t calling her sexy. And so what if he was? He wasn’t trying to get in bed with her.”

“I don’t think I was speaking to you,” JC spoke sharply to Brooke, who raised an eyebrow at him. He looked at me. “C’mon. We’re going back to my place.”

He didn’t give me a chance to respond, only fished his keys out of his pocket and took my hand, leading me towards the front door. I followed him because back then I thought that he knew more than I did. He knew that people in the entertainment business were sleazy and out for their own good. He was watching out for me. And if I told myself this, it made it easier to believe and easier to be with him.

“No, she’s not,” Jen pulled my arm away from him. “She has a rehearsal at 2 and we’ve got errands to run.”

I suddenly felt as though I were in the world’s most awkward tug of war. Jen glared at JC and he looked at me.

“Addie,” he spoke softly. “I have one day left with you.”

“Don’t worry, we all know what you’re gonna do with that time,” Brooke spat sarcastically. “You know, you’re supposed to be her first boyfriend. Maybe instead of trying to show her your own personal Kama Sutra, you should take her out on an actual date!”

“I was going to take her out!” JC raised her voice.

“Guys, it’s fine. Please don’t-“I started to say, looking over at Chris who was shaking his head at JC, then looked at me giving me a pitying smile.

“I was going to take you out, baby. I promise,” he reached for my hand again and I took it, without thinking. He looked at the others. “I’ll have her where she needs to be at 2.” Then, he looked at me and said, “Let’s go.”

Looking back at that, I wished I would’ve yelled at him. I wished I would’ve said that I wanted to stay at my house, with my band mates. I was grateful to Jen and to Brooke who stood up for me, knowing that I was too timid and scared to stand up for myself. Thinking back on it, I probably was very mad at him, not to mention completely confused about the whole Wade comment.

I was silent on the drive back towards his house. He tried to make conversation, but I didn’t answer, because I didn’t know what he’d want to hear. He was my boyfriend now. After almost three days of knowing him. We’d had sex more than I could count, he’d taught me things about my body I’d not ever known about, and he wanted me. He wanted me. I was so insecure that I thought because he wanted me that much I had to stay with him. And I also thought that things would change once we were on tour together. I’d seen him interact with fans on television – Johnny made us all watch fan interaction videos to get the hang of what could potentially happen – and he was so sweet to them. He was a pro and the JC I had watched weeks ago on those videos was not the JC I was with then.

“I’m sorry, Addie. I want you to know I’m not just using you for sex,” he was saying, as I came back to reality. “You know I think you’re amazing. And I’ll take you anywhere you want to go for dinner tonight. You just name it and we’ll go. But I want to be with you one more time. Just one more time before we leave each other.”

“I want to be with you, too,” I told him quietly, and turned my head to look at him. “But I want to know why you would ever think that I would reciprocate anything from anyone else?”

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” he sounded like he had the night before. It wasn’t me it was everyone else. As though people were falling all over me to get in my pants.

“I’m not gonna let that happen!” I finally conjured up the courage to raise my voice. “It’s you I want to be with and it’s you that I’ve been sleeping with this whole weekend! If I wanted Lance or Wade Robson or whoever, I wouldn’t be here with you right now!”

This made him relax and he reached over to squeeze my hand. “I know that. I’m sorry, babe. I really am,” he pulled into his driveway and shut off the car. “Come here.” He reached over and kissed me softly. “Thanks for putting up with me.” I looked at him and smoothed out his hair with my fingers. He kissed me again before we got out of the car.

“So, can you even stand?” Brooke snapped at me, when I came into the dance studio later that afternoon. I could stand. I could even walk. Dancing would be a whole other issue. We’d had sex so much that weekend that my thighs were in pain. And even when we went back to his house that morning, we didn’t end up doing much but fooling around because we were both exhausted.

“Yes,” I answered, putting my things down next to hers and Jen’s stuff.

“Your boyfriend is a control freak. I hope you know that,” Brooke continued.

“Brooke,” Jen warned her and shook her head.

“She needs to know,” Brooke responded. “Addie, this morning was ridiculous. How do you let him do that to you?”

“He didn’t do anything to me!” I retorted. “It was just a big misunderstanding! I told him on the way to his house that he was being dumb about all of it. He just doesn’t want anyone to come onto me too strong.”

“He doesn’t want anyone to be near you except for him,” Brooke looked at me. “Look, Addie, I know you’re new at this –“

“I am new at this,” I cut her off. “But he’s leaving tomorrow and we’re not gonna see each other for 3 weeks. So we’re making up for lost time!”

“Lost time isn’t just a romp four times in his bed,” Brooke said. “He should be taking you out!”

“When, Brooke? Last night we had the party, the night before we went out with everyone. And….” I trailed off. And the night before that, I hadn’t even met him yet. Brooke saw the look on my face and softened.

“Addie, just don’t let him be so possessive of you. I know you just started this and you moved pretty fast and maybe it’s fine that he’s as protective of you as he seems to be. But be your own person. Seriously. Don’t let him take that away from you. Don’t be JC’s girlfriend and that’s it, you know?” she walked over to me and put her arm around my shoulder. “We don’t always see eye to eye, but I’ve been around the block a few times with guys and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that they’re not worth losing yourself in them.”

“And,” Jen spoke up. “I made you an appointment to get some birth control pills tomorrow.” She looked at me square in the face. “Addie, just please tell me you’ve been using condoms.”

I pulled the best lying face I could and replied, “Of course we have!”

Jen breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. Because as many times as you’ve done it now, who knows what could’ve happened.”

I felt a pit in my stomach when she said that. I knew he’d been with a lot of women so there was a chance I could catch something. I also knew that I was at risk for getting pregnant and that was the last thing I wanted right now. I just smiled back at her and then said, “Yeah. So, did Chris wear a condom last night?”

The mood was lightened now and we could laugh about it. Turns out that Chris wore a condom all three times he and Jen got it on. And as for Brooke, she was giddy when she told us about sleeping with Justin. We began to share stories and they were amazed at how much I’d learned and done in the last three days with JC.

“You should teach him a thing or two,” Brooke said. “Come to my room tonight. I have a whole stack of Cosmopolitan magazines with stuff you can learn. Does he like dirty talk?”

“Brooke!” Jen gasped with laughter.

“What? He seems like the type that would,” Brooke shrugged and looked at me.

“Yeah. I think so. I mean, he talks a lot during sex to me and it definitely is kinky,” I replied, blushing slightly.

“You should surprise him when we go on tour with them,” Brooke continued. “You know, you take control of the situation and learn the art of seduction.”

Wade came into the studio at that point and the conversation was halted. We practiced until five and then learned a whole new routine. When we were finished, it was nearing eight and I told JC I’d call him as soon as we were done rehearsing.

“Hey,” I greeted him when he picked up.

“It’s eight o’clock,” he responded to me. “Why did you take so long?”

“It wasn’t my fault. We had a few things to go over,”

He sighed. “Fine. I’ll come get you at your house at eight-thirty. Will you be ready by then?”

“Yeah,” I answered, wondering why he was so irritated. He was in the business. He knew these things could take a while, right? “JC, are you upset with me?”

“I just figured you’d be done before eight. By the time we go anywhere, it’ll be close to nine,”

“Okay. I mean, we don’t have to go out. We could just order a pizza or something,”

“That sounds better. And I’ll take you out when we’re in L.A. together in a few weeks,”

“Okay. It sounds fine to me. I’ll see you soon,” I hung up the phone.

“Let me guess,” Brooke mused. “You’re not going out after all.”

“It’s late,” was my response, and I felt like I had hours ago when I’d first gotten to the rehearsal. “Don’t make a big thing out of it.”

“I’m not, Addie,” Brooke sighed. “But maybe you should see what else you have in common with him besides sex.”

“Fine. I’ll quiz him tonight,” I replied.

When JC picked me up, he said nothing to Brooke or Jen. Not that they offered anything to him, either. It felt uncomfortable and I was relieved when we finally left. We got to his house and I went upstairs to put my things in his room. I went to walk out and he met me at his door.

“Jen and Brooke weren’t too happy with me tonight, were they?” he asked me and I couldn’t lie to him.

“No,” I shook my head. “They’re just…worried about me.” I left out the part of them being worried that JC was a control freak and possessive of me.

“Tell them you’re okay. Tell them I’m making sure of that,” he cupped my face in his hands, his lips meeting mine in a passion filled kiss.

When the pizza arrived, JC took it outside on his back patio and set it up among candles and a bottle of wine. He piped music through the speakers by his pool and it was ultra romantic. I had to admit it was better than any restaurant setting we could get to that night.

“Thank you,” I told him, taking a bite of pizza. “This weekend was amazing.”

He smiled at me and reached for my hand. “Thank you. I never expected to leave Orlando with someone like you as my girlfriend,”

I smiled at him. “Thanks for being patient with me. I mean, you know…” I trailed of and he grinned.

“You’re easy to teach. I told you, I think you’re better than you think you are,” I felt his foot rubbing against my ankle. “I’m gonna miss you. Three weeks is going to be a long time.”

I nodded as I chewed my pizza then swallowed. “It will be. But seeing you again will be worth it,”

By then I’d be on the pill. By then we’d start going out on dates. And maybe by then he’d understand that he didn’t have to be so protective of me. I wanted to believe that. I really did. I looked up at him. He’d stopped eating and was watching me, that look of lust returning to his eyes. I stood up from my seat and sauntered over to him, straddling him in his chair. We started to make out. He cupped both of my breasts in his hands and circled my nipples through my shirt with his thumbs. I began to grind against him slowly and planted kisses on his jawline.

“I want you so bad, baby,” I whispered in his ear. “What am I gonna do without you tomorrow night?” I trailed my hands up to the top button of his shirt and slowly undid them until I could kiss his chest. I continued until I was at the last button, but JC didn’t let me finish. He stood up and carried me inside the house. Maybe I didn’t care that all we did was have sex. Maybe it was making me finally see that I didn’t have to be so pure all the time. Because now I wanted it just as much as he wanted it. My brain shut off when we were together. It was like an addiction now. All of the stuff I’d thought about earlier melted away. I liked his possessiveness, or at least I would tell myself that. Because losing him now would crush me and I was going to do anything to be with him for as long as I could.

The first night we were on tour, Chris had announced a reunion party in the suite he was sharing with Justin. We were in Miami, right on South Beach, and the location was perfect. Not to mention we had a day off the next day because we were driving up to Atlanta, a good 12 hours from Miami. I was excited about the party, but even more excited about being with JC again. Since he’d been gone, we’d talked a few times on the phone, but his schedule kept him busy and even though I didn’t admit it to anyone, I grew panicky when I didn’t hear from him. But the night before we left Orlando to drive down and meet them, he’d called and told me that Johnny hadn’t even booked a room for me and that I’d be with him. It made me relieved to know that he still wanted me because a part of me wondered if it had all been just a game for him. When I was away from him, I thought the worst.

After our first concert, it was nearing 11:30pm and instead of going to the usual after party, the guys told us to meet them back at the hotel and head on up to Chris’s and Justin’s suite. It was across from the suite that JC and I had and next door to Lance’s and Joey’s room. When I went backstage to grab my things from the dressing room, JC met me and pulled me aside, kissing me hard on the mouth.

“We’re not going tonight,” he whispered into my ear. “We’re having our own private party.” His hands groped at my breasts and I had to force myself to pull away from him.

“Just for a little bit. C’mon, JC, we can go for an hour. We’ve got all night,” I kissed him back, trying to be reassuring. I’d also read cover to cover the Cosmopolitan magazines that Brooke lent me and wanted to try a few things out. Particularly the dirty talk, which I felt I’d easily become a pro at. I couldn’t wait to shock him.

He sighed and cornered me against the wall. “But I haven’t seen you in weeks, baby,” his lips were trailing across my neck. I looked over to see Jen, Chris, and Lance walking towards us and tried to push him off of me again. He didn’t seem to care and continued kissing me, lifting the hair off of the back of my neck and flicking his tongue against it.

“I promise, JC, I’ll make it worth your while,” I was trying not to gasp but I was definitely turned on. He knew exactly where to touch me and he was using it to his advantage.

He pulled away and eyed me, brushing a few strands of hair away from my face. “One hour,” he kissed my cheek and released his grip, just as Chris, Jen, and Lance were passing us by.

“Are you guys coming?” Chris asked. He and Jen’s hands were linked together and I smiled at her knowingly. She smiled back and looked up at Chris.

“Yeah, we’ve got every single item from room service on the menu,” Lance said. He looked over at me. “You guys were great by the way, Addie. I was just telling Jen-“

“We’ll be there,” JC interrupted him and pulled me away. “See you.”

I looked behind me and caught Jen’s eye. She just shook her head and looked away. I knew what she was thinking and I knew as soon as she had the chance, she’d give me the third degree. She’d been the one to take me to the doctor’s and get me on the pill and since then had assumed a maternal role over me. A part of me knew I needed it; another part of me despised it because I wanted to be independent, even though, judging from everything that had coincided, I needed her to be that person. I followed JC onto his bus and sat up front with him as it pulled away and headed towards the hotel. He asked me about the drive down to Miami, and told me how glad he was that I was there again. It made me feel relieved because I still felt that he might not even give a damn anymore. An out of sight out of mind sort of thing. Not to mention that Brooke had said it could possibly happen and to be prepared. I was never more glad that she was wrong.

When we got to the hotel, the bus pulled into a back parking lot and we were led through the employee entrance as not to be attacked by the mobs of fans we saw when the bus rolled into the hotel. JC grabbed my hand and we followed security guards towards the maintenance elevator and rode up to the fifteenth floor. The elevator let us off, and JC led me to our room and once inside, he backed me against the wall.

“JC-“ I started but he kissed me and held me beside the wall nearest the bed.

“Shh,” he grabbed my hands and brought them above my head. “Just let me please you and then we’ll go. I promise.” He kissed me again, letting my hands fall next to me and then moved his way down towards my legs as I stood there and watched him.

Once more I was putty. He could do or say anything to me and knew what to do or say that would make me melt. This time he was all about me and I let him do whatever he wanted because it just felt good to be near him again. He wouldn’t stop until he was sure I had come and even after I had, continued to lick and touch and taste all that he could until I could hardly stand. He stood up and I grabbed him, nearly falling over from how wobbly I felt. He chuckled at that and then we quickly got ourselves together before going across the hall.

The party was in full swing. There was a hot tub displayed in the middle of the picture window, which looked out onto the beach. It was the first fixture that caught anyone’s eye that entered the room. A wall separated it from a king-sized bed and on the other side, a couch, which was already pulled out into a bed as well. Food was on tables everywhere and alcohol was flowing abundantly. There were crewmembers from the tour and a few people I didn’t recognize. I didn’t have time to ask because Joey came up to us and thrust two drinks in our hands.

“What is it?” I asked him, taking a small sip. Whatever it was, it was delicious. It tasted like watermelon and strawberries with a sour edge to it.

“Watermelon Pucker is all I know,” Joey shrugged. “Chris is playing bartender again.” I looked over at the bar, which was next to the king sized bed and saw more alcohol than I’d ever seen in one place. Chris was behind it with Jen and they were laughing as they poured different mixes into plastic Solo cups.

Within an hour, everyone was pretty much wasted, including myself. JC had forgotten about us leaving because he was having a good time dancing out on the balcony with me. I didn’t say anything about having overstayed our time limit he’d put us on and he didn’t seem to want to leave anyway. Music blared from the speakers inside the room and it was as though we were at our own private club. And it was Miami and nobody would complain that we were partying throughout the night, so we could be as loud as we wanted to. JC took me in his arms and we started grinding to a dance mix that was on. I’d had about three Watermelon Pucker drinks and was enjoying myself very much. JC was on his fifth beer and I didn’t care that he was caressing me quite explicitly in front of our friends. Not that our friends were even paying the slightest bit of attention to us. Jen and Brooke were in the hot tub with a few of the crew guys, Joey, and Justin. Chris and Lance were doing shots behind the bar and in a minute, I saw Chris whip out a joint and he came outside to puff away.

“Here,” he called over to me. I broke away from JC and took the joint.

“Oh are you doing that now?” JC chuckled at me. “This I have to see.”

He knew I had never touched drugs or cigarettes, but I felt so good and so out of it all at the same time, that I wasn’t thinking nor did I care. I took a small hit and began to cough into JC’s shoulder. He took it from me and puffed on it before giving it back to Chris.

“No!” I grabbed for it and Chris looked at JC.

“Let her try again,” JC said, and handed the joint back to me. I puffed on it longer and then handed it over to Chris. Soon, the three of us were sharing it and fifteen minutes later, I was feeling more than buzzed.

“I wanna get in the hot tub!” I didn’t realize I was yelling at him, but JC laughed and took my hand.

“Yeah?” he tugged at me and I followed him back into the hotel room. I immediately stripped down to my bra and panties and JC did the same, stripping down to his boxers.  We slowly slid into the water and JC leaned over and it didn’t take us long to start making out. I felt my inhibitions let go and all I could hear was music and all I could feel was JC’s hand in between my legs. I looked over to see Brooke in between Justin and Joey in the bed and watched as she faced Joey and let Justin grope her from behind. I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling dizzy. I grabbed onto JC and felt the room spinning.

“JC!” I cried out, not from pleasure but from watching the side of the Jacuzzi tip over.

“What?” he pulled away from me, and the last thing I remembered was grasping onto his neck.

The next morning when I woke up, I was in the hotel bed and felt as though someone had run me over a few times in the street. I didn’t even need to coax myself to go throw up because I knew if I didn’t get to the bathroom, it was going to go all over the bed and JC. I willed myself to walk quickly to the bathroom and threw my head over the toilet. I’d never felt this sick before in my life. Even after I threw up, I still felt like I could do it again. I lay next to the toilet and didn’t move. My head pounding harder than it ever had before, my stomach lurching again, and my entire body shaking. I was still and hoped the nausea would subside, but it didn’t and soon I was looking down the toilet bowl again. The second time made me feel a little better, but I didn’t have the energy to even crawl back into bed, so I stayed in the bathroom.

I don’t know how long I was out, but the bathroom light caused me to stir and open my eyes. JC was standing in the doorway and I was still lying next to the toilet. I looked at him, hoping for sympathy, hoping he’d come and pick me up, and sooth me and tell me everything would be fine.

“I told you we should’ve just come back here,” he sighed, and walked over to me. “Can you even stand up?”

I shook my head and waited for him to help me up, but he hovered over me and rolled his eyes. I tried to sit upright, but had to lean against the wall for support. Every muscle and bone in my body felt as though it weight 100 pounds.

“You look like shit,” JC went over to the sink and began brushing his teeth.

“I’m sorry, baby, I just-“ I started to say but he looked at me through the mirror and kept shaking his head as though he were ashamed of me.

“You need to learn how to handle your high better. And you really need to learn when to stop drinking,” he spat into the sink and then began to get his shaving kit together. “We’re leaving in an hour. Be ready.” And then he walked out. I sat there alone, tears forming in my eyes and couldn’t help but to let them fall. I balanced myself along the wall and stood up, my feet unsure of what to do.

Walk, I was saying in my head. Get out of the bathroom. Don’t let him see you cry.

I came back into the room and JC was folding his clothes into an overnight duffel bag. Silently, I began to gather my things and didn’t say anything to him. I was so confused, so upset, and, I was discovering, very angry. It wasn’t as though I intended to get this messed up. I had a lot to drink, I had shared my first joint –ever, mind you- and all I wanted was for him, this person who was supposed to be my boyfriend, to hug me and kiss me and tell me it was going to be ok. I sat on the edge of the bed after I’d packed and was still quiet. My stomach still felt queasy and I couldn’t wait to get on the bus and lie down. I was also considering getting on our group bus since JC had barely spoken to me at all except to remind me of what an idiot I had been. I stood up, gathered my duffel bags and purse, and started to walk towards the door.

“Where are you going?” JC suddenly asked me. He was coming out of the bathroom with his things.

“I’m going downstairs to find Jen and Brooke,” I didn’t look at him. My eyes were still puffy from crying, not that he’d noticed.

“Well, wait up. I’m ready. I’ll walk with you,” he started coming over to me, but I shook my head.

“I’d rather be by myself,” I told him quietly. This took him by surprise.

“What? Why?” he walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Baby, look, I’m sorry I was harsh with you. But you gotta get thicker skin and-“

“I don’t feel good. And all I wanted was for my boyfriend to maybe ask if I needed help getting up off the floor. I didn’t need a lecture. I know I messed up and I should’ve been more careful. But I wasn’t he only one,” I was firm with him, but kept my voice low. “And why should I want to even be on the same bus with you when you treated me like you did just now.”

“Addie,” he pulled me into his arms. “Addie, baby, I’m sorry. I was grumpy. You know I care about you. I’m sorry you’re sick.” He leaned down and pecked my lips softly. “If you come on my bus, I’ll make you feel better.” His hands roamed from my waist to my backside, but this time I didn’t melt so fast.

“No,” I shook my head. “No, JC. I-“

He shut me up with a kiss, backing me against the door. “I’m so sorry, Addie,” he ran his fingers through my hair. “Don’t do this to me. I need you with me. I just want to hold you all the way to Atlanta and make you feel better.” He planted soft kisses on my cheek and then my forehead.

I let out a shaky sigh and looked up at him, expressionless. “I don’t know if I’m really in the mood,”

“Fine. But you can at least lie next to me. Right?” he cupped my face in one hand. “Please, Addie.”

I didn’t say anything, only opened the door and he followed me into the hallway. We were met with Chris and Jen, who both looked as awful as I felt. Brooke came out of her room with Justin and I vaguely remembered the scene I’d witnessed the night before. Her between Joey and Justin. Maybe it was the marijuana. After all, hadn’t I thought the hot tub was falling over? I knew that wasn’t real this morning. Lance was waiting by the elevator with Joey when we walked up. I saw Joey look over at Brooke and shake his head. Justin clasped his hand with hers and it looked like he was trying to make a statement in front of Joey. Or maybe I was just overthinking the whole incident.

Once we were downstairs, we began to walk to our separate buses. I watched Jen boarding Chris’ bus and Brooke walked onto ours with Justin behind her. So I could either share a bus with Brooke and Justin, who’d probably be going at it the whole time or I could pretend things were fine with JC and me and get on his bus. I chose the latter, much to his surprise. He showed me to the very back, where, as our bus had a wrap around couch, his had a full queen-sized bed. Immediately, I lay down and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would come soon. He didn’t give me that chance. His hands were all over me and he was trying to pull me on top of him.

“I don’t want to,” I pushed him away and rolled over again.

“C’mon, Addie. Just one time,” he nuzzled his nose against my cheek. “You know you like me inside of you. Don’t pretend you aren’t loving this.” He reached around to one of my breasts and began to massage it. I didn’t move, but my body was reacting to his touch and he knew it. He rolled on top of me, slowly unzipping my jeans. He unzipped his next and pushed them down around his ankles. I felt him right on the outside of me and turned my head away. “Oh, you like being stubborn, don’t you? You think that will make me stop?” He didn’t give me a chance to respond before he pulled my panties down and thrust himself deep into me. He went slow and let me feel every sensation. I was trying my best not to enjoy it, but it was difficult given the fact that he always made it amazing, even when I was pissed at him.

“Good girl,” he whispered, as I began to move with him. “That’s my girl. You like it when I go slow, don’t you?”

I looked into his eyes and let him continue thrusting in and out of me. Then I looked away and could feel myself about to let go. He always liked it when I looked at him as I came, but I wasn’t going to this time. That was my revenge. It was the only thing I could do to get back at him, or so I thought.

“Look at me,” he took my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Addie, look at me!”

I felt it course through my body and closed my eyes, holding onto him for dear life. He grunted a few more times and pulled my hair as he released into me. I didn’t say anything, just rolled away from him and tried to fall asleep.

“You can’t ignore me forever, baby,” his voice hot in my ear, his arms caressing my side. “And you can’t tell me that you didn’t like that.”

No, he was right about that. It had felt great, but I wasn’t going to let him know it. I shut my eyes and let the bus rock me to sleep.

We stopped for lunch at an Applebee’s off the highway somewhere on the border of Florida and Georgia. I got off the bus and had felt much better after a four- hour nap. I hadn’t said much to JC, I was still trying to process everything and talk myself out of being mad at him, but I couldn’t. I needed to talk to Jen or Brooke. We all sat at a large table in the back of the restaurant. Most everyone looked as though they’d gotten minimal amounts of sleep and when Lance ordered two black coffees, I figured he’d had a rough night of it. JC sat next to me, his hand on my thigh, and his other hand resting on his chin. Jen and Chris sat across from us and Brooke and Justin were next to me.

“Does anyone else need to go to the bathroom?” Jen asked, getting up.

“I’m assuming by anyone else you mean any of the girls?” Chris piped up. “Unless you want me to go there with you, in which case we need to find out if we can lock the main door to the bathroom.”

“You’re funny,” Jen couldn’t help but giggle at him. “Yes, I meant the girls.”

I stood up immediately and Brooke followed suit, as we headed towards the ladies’ room. Once inside, we all began talking at once about the night before. Jen and Chris had had sex on the pull out sofa bed in the suite and she couldn’t remember if people were watching or not. Brooke in fact did have a threesome with Joey and Justin, but she’d paid more attention to Justin and Joey had left in the middle of it. They also were in front of everyone, but hadn’t remembered much because Brooke had drunk a whole bottle of whiskey before getting it on with them. It was finally my turn to talk and I told them about the bad high I’d gotten, the even worse hangover I had that morning, and finally let it out about how cruel JC was to me that morning.

“Addie, how can you still be with him?!” Jen ventured to ask. “He treats you like shit and you know it. Have you asked him why he was so upset?”

“He said he was sorry he was grumpy,” I answered her. “He’s not a morning person.”

“So what? That doesn’t give him an excuse to make you feel like dog shit,” Brooke shook her head. “Addie, you don’t have to put up with that. Do you even think he loves you? Has he told you that?”

I couldn’t imagine JC not in my life. He was a fixture. He had a part of me with him now. And I knew that I loved him, even after that morning. But I had no idea if he loved me. He cared about me, or so he said. But love had not ever been mentioned once to me. “No,” I looked down at my hands, holding onto the sink.

“I really hope you’re taking that birth control,” Jen told me. “Because I would hate to imagine what he’d do if you got pregnant.”

“Well, there’s no need to worry about that because I’m not going to get pregnant,” I retorted. “Maybe I’m just tired and need some sleep. Maybe we’re just both cranky.”

“Maybe you need to tell him you’re not putting up with his shit anymore. He needs to either turn a new leaf or you need to walk away, Addie,” Jen looked at me through the mirror. “You’re too good to be with someone like him. He’s so controlling and I just want you to be aware that he could easily manipulate you into doing stuff you don’t want to do.” Jen was too late with that. He had already manipulated me plenty, only I was too stupid to realize it.

“I’m being careful,” I said, suddenly wishing I’d not mentioned anything to either of them.

After lunch, we boarded our separate buses once more and I had decided to take full advantage of the trip and sleep the rest of the way to Atlanta. I could tell my body needed it anyway. When JC lied down beside me, I curled up next to him and he pulled me close. I smiled to myself and wanted to tell Jen and Brooke how wrong they were. He did care about me. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be here, caressing my skin and letting me fall asleep on his chest. He was sweet now. This morning was just a miscommunication on both of our parts.

“Feeling better?” he asked, looking down at me.

“Yeah,” I smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

“Are you still mad at me?” he played with my hair and I ran my hand up and down his chest to his stomach and back.

“No,” I replied as he took my hand and brought it to his lips.

“I knew you couldn’t stay that way for too long,” his voice was just above a whisper.

We were quiet for a few minutes.

“JC,” I mumbled against his shirt.

“Hm,” his eyes were closed, his fingers lightly going up and down my shoulder blade.

“If I did end up pregnant, we’d be okay, right?” It had been weighing on my mind since Jen had brought it up and I wanted to know.

He didn’t say anything at first, just turned on his side to look at me. “We’d be fine and I’d take care of it,” he assured me, kissing my forehead and then moving down to my lips. “But you’re not, so there’s no need to even bring it up.” He was so matter-of-fact about it that I trusted him to know what he was talking about. I smiled at him and kissed him back, closing my eyes and falling asleep until we arrived in Atlanta.

The thing about being in a relationship with someone who’s a controller and a manipulator is that you really don’t see how much you’re being controlled and manipulated. When I was 19, I was putty in his hands. He could tell me to jump and ask him how high. I was in love with him. I worshiped him. And the fact that I followed him around like a lost little puppy only made it easier for him to control me. I ignored Jen and Brooke and their comments they’d make to me when we were alone in our dressing room. I’d all but stopped talking to any of the other guys because JC had told me he thought that Justin was giving me a once over. I wanted to ell him he was being bogus because Justin was most definitely into Brooke, but I didn’t because I knew he’d tell me I was wrong. He got sex whenever he wanted it the whole first month we toured with them. I was afraid to say no sometimes, even if I wasn’t in the mood. I’d learned (from Cosmopolitan and Brooke) that you could “fake it” and I would often do just that when I didn’t feel it. He could get mad at me for a lot of things, but he never once got mad or found out that, many times, I could easily make more noise and he’d think he was doing it all right.

“You make me so hot, baby,” he would whisper after every show. “Let’s go back to our room. No sense in wasting time at a stupid party.” And I had no choice-no, I thought I didn’t have a choice. I would see the looks from everyone else when he’d lead me away from them. I’d catch a glance from Chris or Joey or one of the others when we’d walk past them and over to his bus to head straight back to the hotel. He was becoming just as distant with his band mates as I was with mine. Only he didn’t seem to care like I did. I was literally trapped in our hotel room from the time we got in after the concerts until we checked out the next morning. And we still hadn’t been on a date and it had been a month and a half now.

I was growing tired and weary. All I wanted to do was sleep. And I’d also become reliant on alcohol to a point where it concerned Jen and Brooke. I had at least two drinks before a show and many times when we’d go back to our hotel room, JC and I would get drunk and be so hung over I the mornings that we’d stumble onto the bus in front of everyone. But the alcohol made it easy to cope with how miserable I was becoming. I didn’t want to lose JC. I didn’t think I could. But he made me unhappy because I didn’t feel a part of anything anymore. All I did was have sex with him and get drunk –and high a few times-  with him.

On a random night in Detroit, I’d managed to sneak out of the dressing room without running into him backstage. I knew if he saw me, he’d immediately want me to join him in his dressing room and I had been overly exhausted that day in particular. The night before we’d stayed up until three or four drinking and I hadn’t really fallen asleep properly before the alarm went off at six. I sat down on a couch outside of the dressing room I shared with Jen and Brooke, who were still getting ready. Bringing my knees to my chest, I rested my chin on my knees and closed my eyes. I felt numb to everything. I could have easily fallen asleep right then and there and began to feel myself breathing heavily.

“Addie?”

I looked up to see Lance standing in front of me. I smiled at him and then closed my eyes again.

“Are you okay? You look really pale,” Lance bent down to my level and touched my arm.

“Yeah,” I yawned and rubbed my eyes. “I’m just really tired today.”

“You have two hours before the show starts. You could get in a nap if you wanted,” he told me. “C’mon, I’ll help you up-“

“What are you doing?” JC’s voice bellowed from the other end of the hallway and I cringed.

“C, I was just helping her up. She’s worn out and doesn’t look very good,” Lance backed away and I dared myself to look up at JC.

“She’s fine,” he snapped at Lance, then grabbed my arm and pulled me up, roughly. “C’mon. You can lie down in my dressing room.”

I staggered as I walked and JC pulled me next to him. His arm came around my shoulder and all I wanted was for him to carry me. My legs felt like they weighed a hundred pounds each.

“I don’t feel good, JC,” I mumbled, reaching for him.

“You’ll feel better in a minute, baby,” he whispered and I knew what that meant.

“Please. I just want to sleep,” I begged him and felt light headed all of the sudden. I started to wonder just how much I’d slept in the last month and knew it couldn’t have been many hours at all. I suddenly felt my head lurch forward and the ground coming closer to my face. I braced myself before I fell and closed my eyes, ready for the floor to meet my forehead.

“Addie, are you awake?” It had to have been hours later, but it felt like I’d just opened my eyes five minutes after I’d fallen. I looked around and saw Jen standing on one side and Brooke at the foot of the bed. I was in a hospital room and there was an IV attached to my left hand. I gasped and looked at them both, wide-eyed.

“You fainted,” Brooke told me. “You fainted and the doctor felt it would be better to let you sleep.”

“What time is it?” I asked, groggily. “Where’s JC?”

Jen shook her head. “Don’t worry about him. It’s 11:00 at night, sweetie. You’ve been out since five.”

I wanted to try and sit up but couldn’t find the energy. I saw Brooke and Jen casting looks at each other and I knew they weren’t telling me something.

“What?!” I demanded. “I want to know where JC is and why you’re hiding something from me!”

Brooke sighed and walked over to the other side of me. “Addie, JC’s at the hotel. He said he’d come see you tomorrow. We canceled our show in Milwaukee tomorrow night because you need a day off and the guys can go on without us there,” she looked up at Jen. “Addie, the doctor’s ran some tests on you. Um, when’s the last time you got your period?”

My period? I couldn’t remember to be honest. Before the tour, probably. But my brain wasn’t working right at the moment and I felt fried all over.

“I don’t know,” I responded truthfully.

Brooke just nodded and bit her lower lip, looking back at Jen, who just nodded silently. “Addie, um, you’re pregnant,” Brooke paused and waited for my reaction. I just stared at her in shock. “You’re almost four weeks. The doctor’s a little worried. He asked us if you drank or smoked and we had to answer truthfully. JC doesn’t know. We told the doctor that you’d tell him.”

I was still silent and didn’t know what to think. Obviously it was bound to happen. You can’t have sex as much as we did without using anything and it not happen. But I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to think about how two months ago, my life had been going fine. I’d been excited about Three4One and looking forward to a fun year with Brooke and Jen. And now? Now who knows what would happen. And I didn’t want to tell JC. I had a feeling his response wouldn’t be that of excitement. In fact, he’d probably go off and make it all my fault because I hadn’t been the one to get on birth control soon enough.

“I don’t want to tell JC,” I said, flatly. “I can’t tell him. He’s gonna be so mad at me.”

“Addie, we’ll go with you if you want us to,” Jen offered. “But you’re going to have to let him know. We’re keeping it safe from Johnny and the producers because our album hasn’t even gone on sale yet.” She sighed and looked at me. “You didn’t use anything that first weekend, did you?”

I started crying and shook my head. “He-he didn’t want to. He said I’d be fine,” I sniffed and Brooke handed me a tissue. “I’m such an idiot. I cannot believe I trusted him when he said that!”

“Addie, now’s your chance. You can get out of this relationship and start over,” Brooke squeezed my hand.

“Start over? With a baby? I don’t want a baby! I’m 19 for shit’s sake!” I was sobbing louder by now and a nurse poked her head in the door.

“Everything ok?” she asked us, and Brooke nodded. “Ok. Visiting hours are over, by the way. You two should probably leave.”

“Give us five minutes?” Jen looked at the nurse.

“Fine. Five minutes. That’s all,” the nurse left us, and Jen calmly began to stroke my hand.

“Addie, regardless of what you decide to do, you have to tell him,” she said. “Whether or not he takes it well is his problem.”

“I’m going to wait until after the tour is over,” I stated as boldly as I could.

“Well, as long as you don’t start showing, then do what you want,” Brooke looked over at Jen. “But we’re not letting you quit. Right Jen?”

“Right,” Jen smiled at me. “We’ll help you raise the kid if we have to.”

Jen and Brooke had started out as strangers to me. I never in a million years had thought they would end up being two of my dearest friends in the world. But going on tour had proved me wrong. When you’re away from everything you’ve ever known, it’s amazing who can come in and fill that void. I knew then in the hospital that these two people would be in my life for a long time, if not forever. They were all I had to lean on, especially knowing that JC hadn’t even come to the hospital. It infuriated me, but I couldn’t process it just yet. I wanted to fight with him, to even break up. But knowing I was carrying his child now made me realize that I might have to be even more dependent on him and that if he actually was happy about being a father, he probably wouldn’t let me break up with him.

I was released the following day and went back to the hotel to rest. JC hadn’t come and had left with the guys to head on to Milwaukee. I don’t know why it surprised me, but it did and made me break into sobs when I got back to the hotel room. I didn’t let Jen and Brooke know how upset I was, but when Jen came in to check on me and saw me on my side crying, she knew that I had been devastated.

“Addie,” she came over and sat next to me on the bed. “It’s ok. Come here,” she pulled me into her arms and let me sob into her shoulder. “He’s an ass. You have to break up with him. Even if you’re having his baby, he’s not treating you at all like he should be. If he cared about you, don’t you think he would have at least been by your side last night? Don’t you-“

The phone ringing next to me interrupted her. I sniffed and wiped my eyes, reaching for it

“Hello?”

“Addie, baby, I’m so sorry. I was going to come last night but-“

“Shut up,” I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear it. You should’ve been there. You should’ve found a way, but you didn’t. I’m tired of it, JC. I’m so tired of all of it!”

“Excuse me? Addie, you have to understand. I was exhausted last night. I had to come back and rest-“

“Oh, I am so sorry you were exhausted. Meanwhile, I’m holed up in a hospital and fainted from exhaustion because you want to keep me up all night!”

“This isn’t my fault,” his voice was calm, but had an edge to it. “Don’t you dare blame me.”

“I can blame you if I want to,”

“What kind of meds did they give you? You sound like a little bitch right now,”

“And you sound like the world’s biggest asshole. So there you go,”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe by then you will have calmed down,”

“This isn’t my fault!” I yelled into the phone, but all I heard was the click on the other end. He had hung up on me. I threw the phone back down on the cradle. I didn’t think I had any tears left in me, but I was wrong and soon they were falling down my cheeks again. Jen just let me cry it out until I was finally able to calm myself down enough to eat lunch.

We didn’t meet up with the guys for two more nights and by that time, they’d flown to Seattle. I hadn’t heard from JC since the fight we’d had and Jen and Brooke were still the only ones that knew I was pregnant. I was still in shock and didn’t talk much about it in those 48 hours. It was still such a new thing and I had no idea what the hell I even wanted to do with this baby and not thinking about it made it easier for me to get back into the tour mindset. That was until I saw him for the first time. He had seen us do our sound check and was sitting in the back of the arena, waiting for us to finish. I tried to ignore him, but he met me when we came offstage.

“Can we talk?” he asked, looking more sincere than I’d ever seen him.

I sighed and looked back at Brooke and Jen, who were eyeing us from the drum kit on stage. I looked down at JC and slowly nodded, following him backstage to his dressing room.

“I’m sorry,” he took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. “I’m sorry that I didn’t come to the hospital. Please forgive me, baby.” He hugged my waist and I stiffened, not wanting to give in to him. “Please, Addie. Please, baby. I care so much about you.” He took my chin in his hand and leaned down to kiss me. I tried not to respond, but he was insistent and soon was straddling me on the couch in his dressing room.

“No,” I tried to push him off of me, but he wouldn’t budge.

“Shh, baby. We have to make up for lost time,” his hands wandered down my body and I continued to try and roll out of his grasp. “Don’t fight it. You know you want us like this, Addie.”

“No, JC. I don’t,” I could barely get the words out of my mouth before he started kissing me again. He pulled down the pink leggings I was wearing that went with the concert outfits we were sporting that night. “Please, JC. I don’t want to.”

“Yes, you do,” his voice was suddenly harsh and he’d put all of his weight on top of me.

I couldn’t fight him. I knew it. I was still extremely tired from everything that had just happened to me. So I lied there and let it happen. I didn’t even try to fake it, I was just like a numb fixture that he was screwing. I let a tear fall down my cheek as he continued thrusting in and out of me, calling me “baby” and telling me how “hot” I was. When he finished, he stood up and gathered himself together, then looked back at me. I had turned away from him and was staring at the back of the couch.

“Addie, you know you wanted that. Don’t pretend you didn’t. These little games you’re playing lately are starting to get old,” I heard him walk back over to me and felt his hand on my arm. I pushed it off me and sat up, glaring at him.

“I didn’t want that,” I said through gritted teeth. “I don’t always want you like you think I do. You don’t care about me. All you want me for is sex. And God only knows what the hell you were doing or who you were doing two nights ago when I was in the hospital.” I stood up and faced him. “We’ve been dating or whatever you call this for almost two months. You haven’t taken me to dinner or to a movie or anything. You don’t let us hang out with anyone because all you want to do is fuck me. Well, guess what? I’m tired of it. I didn’t want it tonight and I don’t want it again. We’re done.”

I went to walk towards the door, proud of myself for telling him off and I couldn’t wait to see the looks on Jen’s and Brooke’s face when I told them what I’d done. Somehow, JC beat me to the door and suddenly had pinned me against the wall.

“We’re not done, baby,” he glowered at me. “You and me, no. Never. Sorry. You’re mine.”

“Let me go!” I tried to push him away, but he held me firmly against the wall, his finger tracing my jawline.

“Addie, you’re an ungrateful little bitch, you know that?” his hand roughly cupped my face in it. “But I want to keep you around. You’re good for me. And I’m good for you. And maybe the sooner you realize that, the better it will be for both of us.” He let me go and I felt myself shaking.

I left the dressing room and didn’t look back, literally running right into Lance.

“Hey! Welcome back, how are-“ he started, but I burst into tears and cried into Lance’s chest. “Shh, c’mon, Addie. Let’s get you out of this open hallway.” He took me back to our dressing room, which was empty. “Addie, what is it? What’s wrong?”

I sat down on the couch and put my face in my hands, trying to collect my thoughts before speaking. I looked at him and let out a shaky sigh. “I hate him,” I whispered, feeling Lance pull me to him. “I hate him and I don’t want to be with him but I’m trapped. He won’t let me break up with him.”

“Tell Johnny what’s going on,” Lance said, causing me to whip my head up quickly.

“Are you kidding me? I’m not about to risk all that that would cause to explode. No way. I’ll deal with it. And-“ I paused, wondering if I should continue, but I felt close to Lance and he’d always seemed like someone I would’ve liked to have gotten to know better. “-and I’m pregnant. So there’s that.”

“Shit, Addie,” Lance sighed and shook his head. “Does he know?”

“No,” I replied, looking down at my hands. “I’m not telling him until the tour is done. Jen and Brooke, and now you, are the only ones that know. He’s not going to be happy, I know that.”

“I’m so sorry, Addie,” Lance hugged me again. “I won’t say anything. I promise. And if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to, you can always come find me.”

I’d remember what Lance had told me. Because soon, I would need him more than I realized.

I managed to stay away from JC for the rest of that week with the help of Jen, Brooke, and Lance. He would come looking for me before and after shows, but as soon as we’d sung our last song, I hurried off in the opposite direction and locked myself in the dressing room until it was time to go. Usually, Brooke would come get me as the guys were doing their encore and we’d either get on the bus or a limo would take us back to the hotel. I still hadn’t told anyone else about the pregnancy and to be honest, I wasn’t thinking much about it. I was surviving and trying to stay away from JC more often than not. But eventually, it all came to a head. It had to. I couldn’t hide forever and I knew in a few more weeks I could start showing anyway. 

I was on the bus after our last show in Portland. We were making the trek down to San Francisco and would arrive early in the morning. I was tired all of the time now, but chalked it up to everyone else as just getting used to tour life. They all bought it and left me alone and I was able to rest easier trying to get through hiding the baby. It was late at night when I’d let my mind drift to the fact that I was going to have a baby and that I had no idea what I was going to do after it got here. My parents would disown me, I still had no idea what JC would do, and I had a feeling once it all came to the surface that I’d be kicked out of the group, even though Jen and Brooke had sworn that wouldn’t happen. I knew they couldn’t promise that. It wasn’t up to them. We were supposed to have some sort of a good girl image, just as Nsync was supposed to have had a good guy image, but that was blown out of the water the first night we’d all hung out together.

I was able to get on the bus before the encore had started and immediately went to my bunk, which was the bottom bunk under Brooke’s. Brooke and Jen never slept on there any more. At this point, they were both with Chris and Justin (except for the following week when Britney was joining us and Justin and Brooke would have to sleep a part) and were always sleeping on their buses. It was nice to have the bus to myself and just sleep or watch television to my heart’s content. Normally, Brooke or Jen would check on me before they left, so that night when I heard the bus door open, I assumed it was one of them. I was snuggled up under the covers and had the overhead light on above me while reading Cosmopolitan. I heard footsteps getting closer, so I put the magazine down and was about to call out for Jen or Brooke, when the curtain opened and JC stood in front of me.

“You can’t hide from me forever,” he knelt down next to me. “Baby, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Come back to me. I need you.” He was stroking my arm with his thumb and I was cringing, unable to speak.

“We’re not together,” I somehow managed to get out.

“Yes, we are,” he answered, not batting an eye.

“JC, we’re about to pull out? Are you staying on this bus?” the bus driver, Al, called from the front. 

“Yeah! Thanks, Al,” JC called back and looked at me. “Please, baby. Please just let me hold you tonight.”

“No,” I was trying to be firm, but his grip had tightened on my arm and I was anxious, praying Jen or Brooke would get on the bus before it was too late. I wanted to scream out at Al to stop, that JC wasn’t on this bus at all, and that I wanted him off. But my voice was caught in my throat and I couldn’t form any words.

“Why have you been so distant from me?” he somehow managed to crawl in next to me, even though I had tried to make it impossible. “Tell me. What is it?” His hands roamed up my thigh and I tried my hardest to move away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. 

“I don’t want to be with you anymore,” my voice was just above a whisper. “You weren’t even there for me when I was in the hospital. And you have yet to ever say anything to me except how hot I am or whatever. You don’t love me, you don’t care about me. All I am is just someone you can get in bed with and that’s all I ever was.”

JC sighed and hung his head, then looked back at me. “Addie, please forgive me. Please let’s start over. I want to be the kind of boyfriend you need me to be,” he released his grip on my thigh and had managed to move next to me and lie down. The bunk was not very big, but we were able to lie there together without it being uncomfortable. “Come here. Please let me just hold you.” His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me next to him. I had no choice but to rest my head on his chest. “Isn’t this better? Haven’t you missed this?”

Truth be told, I had somewhat. It was nice to have someone to fall asleep next to, but it was also nice to have someone who you weren’t terrified of controlling you. I relaxed and closed my eyes. Maybe if I slept, he wouldn’t want to do anything else.

“Addie?” he whispered, the bus starting up and rolling out of the arena.

“What?” I answered, my eyes still closed, my heartbeat slowing down and feeling more relaxed.

“I love you,”

My head and my heart reeled. I didn’t know what to think. He loved me? He loved me even though he hadn’t been there for me at all last week? He loved me even when he had forced himself on me? Was there a reason behind it all and this was it? Love? I didn’t know that this wasn’t love. I had no concept of being in love, other than the fact that I had thought I loved him because he had been the one and only man to have ever taken something I had held in high regard. Suddenly, I felt the weight lift from my chest and I let out a shaky sigh.

“You do?” I looked up at him, and he smiled at me.

“I do. I love you,” he captured my lips with his and then stopped. “Do you love me?”

Did I? I was having his baby, I had had countless hours of sex with him, and even though a few days ago, I’d wanted to break up, the fact that he was here holding me and making promises and telling me he loved me somehow overshadowed that. And in my insecure, fragile state that I was in, I responded to him.

“I do. I love you, too,”

“Addie,” he gently rolled himself on top of me. “Addie, please don’t leave me like you did. I couldn’t handle it.” His hands were searching underneath my tank top and soon it was discarded as were my shorts. I helped him undress and our clothes lie in a pile next to the bunk bed. He eased himself inside of me and we began to move with each other at a slow pace. He kissed me and touched me and made sure I was enjoying every moment. It hadn’t been this way in a while. He was showing me, so I thought, that he loved me. He felt me tense up around him and began to move slower inside of me.

“JC,” I breathed. “JC, go faster. I need you to go…faster!” I wanted to come, I was ready, but he was deliberately making it last.

“Just wait. I want to come with you,” he kissed me again and began to make slow strokes within me, so that I could feel every single movement. It had never been this good. Every inch of my body was tingling and on fire. I didn’t want him to stop. My eyes pleaded with his and we were suddenly grasping onto one another as our orgasm’s hit us almost at the same time. His fingers touched me between my legs and began to massage me so that I wouldn’t stop and soon I was gasping for breath once more, my thighs pressed against his, my head thrown back against the pillow.

“JC,” my arms clung around his neck, as he rested his head into the nape of my neck. “That was amazing.”

“I wanted you to see how much I love you, baby,” he raised his head and kissed me softly.

I wondered if I should tell him then. He had to know and we’d just had pretty intense lovemaking. Not to mention, he’d told me he loved me. I hesitated, but only for a second. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him.

“I have to tell you something,” I spoke softly, as he rolled off of me and pulled me close to him.

“Anything,” he kissed my forehead and his hand lazily ran down my back.

I looked up at him and he smiled at me. It seemed so reassuring, that I suddenly felt as though I could tell him anything.

“I’m pregnant,” I was smiling as I said the words, but the smile faded when his face turned to that of pure detestation.

“What do you mean?” he couldn’t really sit up too much, or else he’d bump his head, but he leaned up so that he could look down at me.

“I mean that I’m going to have a baby. We’re going to have a baby, I guess I should say,” my voice was cracking and I was wishing I’d just kept my mouth shut. I was also wishing Jen and Brooke were there to buffer this whole conversation.

“No we’re not,” JC said, flatly. “Once we get off tour, we’ll go take of it.”

I suddenly remembered the conversation from the first night on tour. I’ll take care of it, he’d said. He hadn’t meant that he would help me take care of it. He meant he’d pay for the abortion.

“I-I don’t know-“ I started.

“We’re not having a baby. Are you kidding me? I have no time and neither do you. No. So get that out of your head, Addie,” JC lay down again and turned away from me.

“JC, I don’t know if I want an abortion. I-“

“It doesn’t matter. You have to have one. Don’t you want to stay in Three4One? If you have this baby, you’ll be out on the street with it,”

“But I thought you loved me? I thought you’d want to raise it together or-“

“I do love you. But we’re not having a baby. So get it out of your head. The sooner you do, the easier it will be. Goodnight,” 

“JC-“ 

“Goodnight, Addie,”

I didn’t sleep at all that night. As tired as I’d been, I couldn’t fall asleep. I could only think about what we’d just discussed. He’d made the decision. We weren’t going to have a baby. We were going to pretend it had never happened. And I wasn’t allowed to have a choice in the matter at all. Not that I’d even thought much about it, but when he’d said he loved me, I only assumed that that meant we would be able to raise our child together. Now, we weren’t going to raise it at all. And I didn’t know how I felt about it. I didn’t know if I wanted an abortion.

The next morning when we arrived at the hotel to check in, Jen immediately came over to me when she’d seen us exit off the bus together. Her eyes showed concern and she grabbed my hand and pulled me away from JC, who was in a conversation with one of the sound guys near the check-in desk.

“What the hell, Addie?” she whispered. “Please tell me you didn’t-“

I looked at her, guilt written all over my face. “I did. He told me he loved me. And I told him. I told him about the baby,” 

“Addie…” Jen reached for me and hugged me. “What did he say?”

“He wants me to get an abortion,” my voice was shaky as I answered her. 

“Is that what you want?” she pulled away from me to look me in the face.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head and looked at my feet.

“Addie!” JC called to me and I looked over at him. “Come on. Our room’s ready,”

“You don’t have to go with him, Addie,” Jen reminded me. 

“Just let me go, Jen,” I muttered and released myself from her grasp on my shoulders. I went over to JC and he took my hand in his. As we passed Lance, I saw the look of worry and concern written all over him. I ignored it. I didn’t know what to think anymore. He’d told me he loved me. That was all that I knew. That and that he wanted me to have an abortion. Something I’d been taught all my life was wrong. I was all for women’s rights and all that, but I didn’t know if I could go through with it and the more I’d thought about it in the last 10 hours, the more I shuddered at the thought. 

“JC,” I said softly, as we entered the hotel room. He was putting our stuff down next to the luggage racks and looked over at me.

“What?” he turned away from me and continued to unpack.

“Can we talk? About what I told you last night?” I ventured to ask him, coming over to where he was standing. He turned and regarded me, a look that I wasn’t able to recognize on his face. Disdain? Exhaustion? Or was it just heartlessness?

“We already talked,” he answered me, turning back to his unpacking. “We have an answer. There’s nothing to-“

“I don’t want an abortion, JC,” I interrupted him. “At least not right now, I don’t want one. It scares me to be honest.” 

I heard him sigh heavily then he turned back to me. “Addie, I don’t think we really have a choice. It’s the baby or it’s our careers.”

“But, JC, plenty of people have babies in this business!” I countered. “Can’t we just give it more time before we make a decision on it that’s so final?”

He walked over toward me and stood face to face with me. “Those people have been around a lot longer than either of our groups have. They’ve got nothing to lose. We have everything to lose. There’s nothing else to discuss. It’s me or the baby. It’s your career or the baby. You pick.”

“JC-“ I began, but he shook his head. 

“No, Addie. No. It’s final. You heard my decision,”

I stood there not really knowing what to do or say next. We were back to where we’d been only a day ago. I felt tears in my eyes once more and let them fall. I didn’t hide them from him. Nor did I hide the sobs escaping my lips. He didn’t say anything, just continued to unpack. I went to the door and said nothing as I slipped out and went to find Jen or Brooke.

Lance was coming out of his room and saw me in the hallway. When he saw me, he came towards me and pulled me into his arms, smoothing out my hair, letting me cry. 

“It’s okay, Addie. What did he say?” Lance’s voice was just above a whisper and he tugged at me to follow him towards his room.

“He wants me to get an abortion,” I was sobbing harder now and a hiccup escaped as I brushed a tear away. “I don’t want one. It scares me. And he told me that was my only option.”

“I thought you broke up with him?” Lance opened the door to his hotel room and I followed him inside. “What happened?”

“He told me he loved me,” I murmured, thinking back to the night before, wondering if he’d meant any of it. It hadn’t taken him long to revert back to the person he’d scared me away from. “And so I thought it was okay to tell him I was pregnant. He said it was him or the baby.”

“Oh, Addie,” Lance shook his head. “You don’t have to take that, sweetie. You don’t have to get an abortion.”

“I don’t know what I want,” I sat down on the edge of the bed and sniffed. “I don’t even know if I want to be here anymore.”

Lance didn’t say anything, only sat down next to me. “If you don’t want to be here, no one’s making you stay,” he said softly.

“A contract is making me stay,” I reminded him. “Besides, we only have two months left. I’ll talk to Johnny then.”

“Get out of it, Addie,” Lance said, his arm around my waist. “Just tell him you want out of it. Tell him what’s been going on-“

“I’m not drawing attention to this,” I interjected. “I’ll just deal with it. I have to deal with it.”

I left soon after and headed back to the room I was sharing with JC. When I walked inside, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, aimlessly flipping through television channels on the TV. He looked up at me and then at the TV again. I walked past him and lied down on the bed, hoping to catch a few minutes of sleep before we had to be at the arena.

“Where did you go?” he asked me, not bothering to turn around.

“I went for a walk,” I answered, rolling over and facing away from him.

“That tells me nothing,” he muttered, turning off the television and crawling in bed next to me.

“I went for a walk. In the hotel. On this floor. Is that better?” I snapped, closing my eyes. 

“Don’t be a bitch,” he grabbed my arm and jerked me over to his side of the bed. “Look at me.” I opened my eyes, knowing they were still tear-stained. “I know what’s best for you. You have no idea how you’d get spit up and thrown out of this if they found out you were pregnant. Do you want that?”

“Sometimes I think I would,” I answered, locking eyes with him. “So there.”

“You’re not leaving,” his grip tightened on me. “I’ll make sure of that.”

“You can’t do this,” I told him, pushing him away with my free hand.

“Don’t!” he raised his voice and jerked me back. “You aren’t leaving me. And when this is over, we’ll deal with whatever we have to deal with. And you’ll see it my way. Do you understand?”

I understood. I understood that I’d made a huge mistake the night before. He hadn’t meant any of it. He just wanted me back in his control. I had no power when it came to him. I couldn’t escape him and I knew it then and there.

The next week, Britney Spears joined us on the road and Brooke had turned into Super Bitch because Justin had literally quit speaking to her (among other things) as soon as Britney came. Jen had tried to tell Brooke that this was bound to happen, but Brooke hadn’t listened and now she was reaping the consequences. After three days, she gave up on trying to get Justin’s attention and began to hit on Joey once more. Joey liked any attention from females and so it didn’t take him long at all to return her flirtatious behavior. It was interesting to watch from the sidelines, but it gave me something to occupy my thoughts and my time and not think about the fact I was in a terrible situation with no way out.

It had gotten progressively worse since we’d fought about what to do with the baby. JC made sure I was always under his eye and told the crewmembers that he and I were now sharing a dressing room. This way, I had to change with him. I’m sure looking back on it that I had a choice. In fact, I know I did. I could have easily told people that I was miserable and that JC was verbally and emotionally abusing me. And if I were honest with myself, sexual abuse was probably a contender, too. He never gave me an option anymore. When he wanted it, he got it because I was too afraid to tell him ‘no’ anymore. I was afraid to tell him anything anymore. All I knew was that in two months, we’d be done with this tour and I could finally think about what I wanted to do with the baby growing inside of me. And I wouldn’t let him have a say at all.

We had a day off in San Diego and normally that would’ve been something I would look forward to. But being with JC, I knew there wouldn’t be an escape. We were staying at a hotel off the beaten path because the fans had literally ransacked the lobby of the hotel we’d been at in L.A. the night before. This time they booked us outside of San Diego at a hotel nobody would really suspect and it was quiet and peaceful.

I’d dreaded waking up the morning we had off. It was going to be inevitable that JC would want sex first thing and then he’d want to keep me all to himself holed up in the room all day. Everyone else would get to go off and see a movie or go down to the pool or maybe escape and sneak into the city trying not to be recognized. Not us. I kept my eyes closed and turned away from him as long as I possibly could. I would peek at the alarm next to my side of the bed and check the time. 9:00. 9:11. 9:25. 9:40. 10:00. I was starting to get hungry and JC still hadn’t budged. I dared myself to look over at him and he was out like a light, snoring and everything. I slowly eased my way out of bed and tip toed into the bathroom, closing the door ever so gently. I looked at myself in the mirror and examined my stomach. Still no sign of a bump and for that I was grateful, but I still rested my hand where I knew the baby was growing. I prayed that I could hold off showing anything until after the tour was over.

I locked the bathroom door and started the shower, thankful that he was still asleep. I could at least bathe without him walking in and wanting to pin me against the shower wall. It’s kind of funny, isn’t it? Normally, most people would find that sexy. And I probably would have, too, if JC had given me a choice at all in the matter. I took my time and let the water run all over my body. It felt good to have slept in and to take a long, hot shower. When I got out, I dried off and brushed my teeth, wrapping the towel around me and opening the door to peek into the bedroom. JC was still asleep. I decided then and there that I was going to get out of that room and do it as fast as I possibly could. I grabbed a pair of black dance leggings and my sports bra, then threw on an oversized t-shirt and slipped on flip- flops. I threw my hair in a messy bun, grabbed the room key, and, as silently as I could manage to, opened the door. I stood in the hallway. Freedom.

The hallway was empty. Everyone had either left or was still in bed. I figured since there were basically three couples in each room, most of them had yet to get up. I envied them. I wished I’d had a relationship that made me want to be with the person I was having sex with. I walked onto the elevator and headed for the Lobby. There was a continental breakfast and I made sure to grab a banana, a Danish, and a coffee before walking outside. The air was nice and balmy and the sun was shining. It was a beautiful day and I was thankful that I’d somehow managed to get away without JC waking up and demanding me to come back to him. I found a bench that faced and empty lot and beyond that, what looked to be an empty warehouse.

Once I’d finished off my breakfast, I stood and brushed the crumbs off of me and threw the coffee cup into the waste bin next to the bench. I began to walk towards the empty lot and towards the warehouse. I was right. It was completely bare. I walked around to the side of it and peeked in, not really knowing why it interested me so much. There was a huge, vacant space with nothing but an old truck that looked like it hadn’t been used in years. Canvases hung from beams and paint cans were strewn about as though they’d been left in the middle of a paint job. But there was a wide open space and all I could think about was that it was the perfect place for me to let loose and dance. Dance was my stress reliever and although I got to do it every night on stage, there was something different about going into an empty space and letting myself go. No choreography. No microphone. Just me in my own little world.

Obviously, I’d brought no music with me but it was fine. I put my room key on a ledge next to one of the numerous beams and walked to the center of the large opening. I spun around slowly, letting my foot glide and lead the rest of my body. I twirled and spun and leapt. I threw the oversized t-shirt off to the side and felt as though I’d really been let loose. There was a rhythm in my head and I just went with it. I don’t know how long I was there. All I knew was that it felt wonderful to be this free. It hadn’t been like that for a long time.

“Addie?”

I gasped and looked over at the entrance of where I’d walked into the warehouse. Lance was standing there with a puzzled smile. I blushed and awkwardly waved at him.

“What are you doing here? And how did you even know I was here?” I asked him, going over to him.

“I went on a walk and randomly passed by this place. I thought I saw some movement in it and when I looked, it was you,” he chuckled. “What are you doing?”

“I’m practicing the art of freedom,” I told him. “Dancing is how I release my stress and I haven’t really had the chance to let loose in a while. And JC was still asleep so I figured I had time to…” I trailed off. I didn’t know which verb to fill in with that sentence.

“Escape?” Lance finished for me and I nodded my head slowly and looked at him. “Addie, I’ve told you what you need to do. For your sake and for your baby’s.”

“I’m not telling anyone,” I turned away from him and went back to the middle of the floor. “I don’t want this to be a big deal.”

“You don’t think that when it finally comes to the surface it’s not going to be a big deal?” Lance countered and followed me. “JC’s not going to give you up as soon as this tour ends. And you’ve got an album coming out in January. You’ll have publicity tours and ridiculous amounts of traveling to do. He’ll find a way to join you on that, mark my word.”

“I’m quitting,” I nearly whispered and ignored what he’d said by going into third position and balancing my leg behind me, then sweeping it to the front.

“Addie-“

“No, Lance. I am. And you’re not talking me out of it. I’m quitting and I’ll figure out what to do after that,” as I said those words, I began to feel a release of autonomy and abandon and grabbed his arm, looking at him in the eyes. “Dance with me.”

“There’s no music,” he chortled, but I shrugged.

“We don’t need it,” I told him, pulling him to me. We began to sway back and forth as though we were partners at a junior high dance. Then he pulled me to him and suddenly we began to do some sort of a salsa move that turned into hip hop and gradually became something of a slow, sexy dance. His face was inches from mine and I could feel his heart against my own. I hadn’t felt like this in a while. Probably not since JC had first started to pay me attention. We stopped dancing and stood there, holding each other for a minute or two.

“Addie,” his voice was caught in his throat. I looked up at him and soon his lips met mine in a kiss that I knew had been waiting for a long time. I pulled him onto the floor with me and rested my arms above my head, giving him permission to remove my sports bra. He did so without breaking his stare. He rested his body on top of mine, his lips moving from my neck down towards my breasts. His fingers rolled my nipple between them and I couldn’t help but moan and heard it echo throughout the warehouse. We both laughed softly at that, but he didn’t stop. I felt his tongue skim around my belly button and his fingers expertly slid my leggings down to my ankles. He stopped and rolled back onto his knees, lifting his shirt from his body and then bending down to kiss the exposed skin on my inner thighs.

He took his time. He was deliberate and made sure that I was enjoying every single second of his attack on my lower body. His tongue and his fingers would switch places every so often to ensure that I got to experience both sensations.

“You are amazing, Addie,” Lance whispered, as I tugged at his hair. “You deserve so much better.” He kissed his way back to me, stopping at my breasts once more to lick and tug at them. It wasn’t rough and it wasn’t at all like it had been with JC.

His face inches from mine once more, I reached up to kiss his lips and rolled over so that I was straddling his stomach. I grasped the belt buckle on his jeans and undid them, as he helped me slide them off of his body. My hand clasped his erection and he groaned as I began to gently work my fingers around him. I locked eyes with him, letting my body slide down even more so that I could easily taste him.

“Addie, wait,” he grunted. “Please. This feels amazing. But I want to feel you from the inside.”

I crawled back up to him and he rolled us over so that he could easily slide inside of me. He eased his way up and down and then wrapped his arm around my thigh, bringing us even closer together.

“You feel so good, Lance,” I whispered. “Mmm. Lance don’t stop.”

“I’m not,” he looked down at me. “Addie, you are so beautiful.” He kissed me and began to move faster, but still at a pace that was enjoyable and not rough. JC had only been gentle with me a few times and I’d almost forgotten what it felt like to really experience sex this way.

I could feel myself about to come and Lance felt me clench him from the inside as the first orgasm hit me. I gasped as soon as I felt it course through every single inch of my body. He continued pushing in and out and braced himself on the concrete floor as he released into me. Collapsing on top of me, we both were gasping for breath and held onto one another, not wanting to let go.

“Are you okay?” he finally ventured to ask me, after we let our breathing return to normal.

“Yeah,” I looked at him and smiled. “Lance, that was amazing.”

“I’ve wanted you like that for a while, Addie,” he kissed my lips, then parted them with his tongue. “You don’t deserve him. Let me take care of you. Let me be what he won’t ever be for you.”

I could only smile in the afterglow of it all. I shook my head and sat up, forcing him to move off of me. “Lance, I’m not putting you in that position. I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me in a few months.”

He said nothing, only stood up and we both began to get dressed again. There was nothing said, but we knew we had to be careful from now on. I was already wondering how I could see him again because it had been so good. And he cared. He actually really cared about me.

I knew when we got back to the hotel that JC would probably be awake. Lance wanted me to go back with him to his room, but the less suspicious we were, the better. And I knew I would have to eventually face JC again. I smiled at Lance before he went into his room and I could tell that he wanted me to kiss him but there was no way I was doing that in the middle of a public hallway. I was still reveling in what had happened and was hoping I could play it off in front of JC when I went into our room.

He was still in bed, but he was awake and watching television. A room service tray was next to him and he was finishing off what looked to be the remains of a sandwich. I smiled as much as I could muster and walked towards him.

“Where were you?” he demanded, turning off the TV. “You snuck out of here over two hours ago.” I looked at the alarm clock. It was 1:00.

“I just went on a walk,” I told him already knowing that wasn’t going to satisfy him.

“With who?” he moved the tray to the floor and sat up in bed. “Come over here.” I had been standing at the edge of the bed on my side. Reluctantly, I sat down and he yanked my arm, roughly causing me to be pulled over to him.

“I-it was just me, JC,” I put my hand on top of his and tried to remove it from my arm.

“Don’t lie to me,” he snapped and gripped my arm even tighter.

“Stop!” I tried to push him away but I was suddenly beneath him, his hands gripping both of my wrists.

“When are you going to learn, huh? I have tried to get you to understand but you are too damn stubborn, Addie,” he was pushing my leggings down and I was struggling to roll away. I was praying there had been so traces of Lance and what we’d done on me or my leggings but it was too late now if there was because he was bound to see it.

“Get off me!” I screamed and kicked his stomach. I had been aiming for his groin, but I was being held down so hard that it was difficult for me to move my legs.

“Don’t fight me, baby,” he growled. “Don’t fight me and it’ll be a lot easier.”

“JC, I don’t want to have sex with you!” I yelled at him. “Get off of me!”

He didn’t listen and before I knew it, he was inside of me and pumping so hard and fast that it took my breath away but in the worst way possible. His skin smacked against mine and I don’t even know how he was finding pleasure in any of it because it was so rough and animalistic. He grabbed my face in one of his hands and forced me to look at him. He was glaring at me and I closed my eyes and tried to turn away. I felt his hand come flying across my face and it stung with the after bite of being hit.

“Look at me, you little bitch!” he said through gritted teeth. “You pissed me off way too long and you had this coming to you.” He continued to thrust as hard as he could and finally, I felt him come. He rolled off of me literally seconds after.

I was in shock and couldn’t move. I just lay there and looked up at the ceiling, praying for this nightmare to end. My so-called boyfriend had just raped me. I found the energy to roll over and face away from him, pulling the covers around me and letting the tears fall down my face. The phone was there right in front of me but I didn’t dare pick it up. I knew I couldn’t wait two months. It seemed like an eternity. I had to tell someone as soon as I could but I didn’t know how to even go about it. I knew after today, JC would never, ever let me out of his sight.

In the days that followed, I completely shut down. I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted desperately to sneak off with Lance, if not just for sex, at least for comfort. I wanted to talk to Jen and Brooke. I wanted to get away from JC. I knew I couldn’t cross him because of what had happened. He made it known that he was going to control me as long as he could. And that’s what I didn’t understand. He supposedly cared about me, told me he loved me, but we never had any meaningful conversations. Obviously, I was a toy in his bed to play and abuse. I hated touring now. I hated being anywhere near him. My mind wandered all of the time to the future because I was so desperate to get out of where I was. We were also getting more famous the more that we toured and the more that our first single, “Uptight”, was getting radio play. By the end of the next week, we’d reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Jen and Brooke had been ecstatic but I had only managed to smile and try to appear happy. I was literally becoming a shell of myself, and all I knew was to withdraw and pretend that JC was the best thing to ever happen to me in public.

We had pulled over to a truck stop so that the buses could refuel. JC miraculously decided to get off the bus and stretch and I dared myself to go find Lance or Jen or Brooke. None of them knew about what had happened the day JC raped me. Lance had sent me looks across the stage and all I could do was shrug. I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me but it was impossible. I wasn’t about to get myself in that situation again with JC. I walked towards Chris’ bus where I knew Jen would be. She was sitting up front typing on her laptop but stopped immediately when she saw me.

“Addie,” she smiled at me and stood to hug me. “I’ve been so worried about you. We all have. What’s going on?”

I stared at her for a minute before saying anything. I looked out the window to make sure JC was still inside the truck stop. If I wasn’t on his bus when he got back, I didn’t want to think about what he’d accuse me of or even what he might try and do.

I suddenly burst into tears and Jen let me cry on her shoulder. She didn’t say anything, just smoothed out my hair and let me sob. She pulled me over to the couch that was against the bus window and took me in her arms, and I suddenly felt relieved to be here. I felt that freedom that I’d felt the week before when I’d escaped the hotel room and was able to have that moment with Lance.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on,” she said softly. “I knew things weren’t going well. Lance and I talked.” I looked at her suddenly and I knew she knew everything that had happened with us. She smiled at me. “I won’t say anything. But he’s crazy about you and you know he’d treat you better than that dick you’re with now.” She brushed away a tear that was falling down my cheek. “Is that why you’re upset? Do you feel guilty for having sex with him?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t felt guilty in the least. In fact, if anything, it had been the best thing that had ever happened to me. Because it was the one time I’d had sex where I’d actually felt like the other person wanted me for more than my looks or to control.

“What is it, then? What happened?” Jen squeezed my hand in hers.

I let out a sigh and tried to control my sobbing so that I could speak. “JC. JC raped me when I got back from being with Lance. He didn’t believe anything I told him. That I’d gone on a walk by myself. Which was true at first because I did. I don’t think he knows anything about Lance because if he did, I’m pretty he’d hurt him,” I watched Jen’s face turn from surprise to shock to complete anger. “And when he was raping me, he got mad that I had closed my eyes and wasn’t watching him. So he hit me.” Having to reiterate it only made me sob once more. I hadn’t talked about it with anyone and had been carrying it around with me for a week.

“Addie,” Jen shook her head and pulled me into a hug. “Addie, you poor thing. Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I can’t get away from him! This is the first time since then that he’s let me out of his sight and that’s only because he got off his bus to go walk around. I guess he figured that I wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave, but I had to. I probably should go back before he-“

“No!” Jen was adamant. “No, Addie, you aren’t going back there! And we’re talking to Johnny as soon as possible. I don’t care if it messes our image or whatever up, he needs to know and JC needs to get off this tour and you need to go home. You’ve been through way too much in the last two months.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt as though a weight had been lifted. I didn’t have to get back on that bus. I was going to stay here with Jen and she wouldn’t let me get hurt anymore. At that moment, Chris stepped inside with a bag full of potato chips, candy, and a six-pack of Budweiser.

“Hey, Addie! What brings you here-“ he started to say as he placed the items on the table across from us.

“JC is an ass. That’s what brings her here,” Jen finished for him. “I told you he wasn’t right, Chris. He’s been abusing Addie from the beginning.”

Chris looked from Jen to me and then back again. “What? What do you mean? What happened?”

“Just what I said. He’s been abusing her. And I knew something was wrong the whole time, like I told you,” Jen looked over at me. “We’ll get your stuff off of his bus when we get to Salt Lake. You just stay here and it’ll be fine.”

“I knew he was possessive,” Chris said, sitting down across from us. “I had no idea he was abusive.” He shook his head and looked at me. “Addie, I’m sorry. We should’ve all seen it. He’s been acting completely different lately. His last girlfriend didn’t put up with him for long and I think it devastated him. She was really good friends with Lance and-“

“That explains why he hates Lance so much,” I muttered and shook my head. It answered my question – if he knew what had happened, I couldn’t imagine what he’d do to Lance.

“Yeah,” Chris nodded. “And he’s jealous of Justin. Really jealous. Lately he hasn’t been talking to any of us. We just thought it was because he was so infatuated with you.”

I shook my head. “No. It’s beyond infatuation. I don’t even know what it is,” I said, and leaned against Jen.

I heard someone step onto the bus and the three of us whipped our heads up to see JC standing there. He had a bag as well filled with junk food and a bottle of Heineken. He glared at all of us, but me in particular. I felt Jen’s arm wrap tightly around me and she looked over at Chris who watched JC closely.

“Let’s go,” he told me, without blinking. “You got on the wrong bus, baby.”

“No, she didn’t,” Jen snapped at him. “She’s on the right bus. And she’s not leaving.”

“Shut up, Jen,” JC retorted, then looked back at me. “Addie, let’s go. Hurry up! They’re waiting on you to get back on so we can leave.”

“C, you need to go. Addie’s gonna stay here. She’s not going back with you,” Chris answered for me. “And I think it’s obviously for the best.”

JC dropped his bag and walked over to me. He held his hand out as though I would willingly take it. Which, before, I probably would have. But not anymore. I looked away from him and down at my lap. “Addie, don’t do this. Come on!” he raised his voice and I shook my head.

“No,” I looked up at him, his eyes blazing with fury. “No, JC. I’m not going back with you. I don’t want to be with you anymore. And I mean it this time.”

“Get off the bus, dude,” Chris stood up and went over to JC.

“Addie,” JC’s voice was soft. “Addie, what do you mean? I love you, baby. You know I make you happy and-“

“You scare the shit out of her so she’ll pretend to be happy around you,” Jen interrupted him. “You’re not going to hurt her anymore. You’re done.”

“Shut up, Jen! I wasn’t talking to you!” he raised his voice and his hand was clutched around my arm. “Get up, Addie. Don’t be an idiot! You’re carrying my child, baby! You can’t leave me now!”

“Your child that you want to abort as soon as you’re home,” Jen wasn’t relenting. “She can do what she wants. She doesn’t need you.”

JC wasn’t giving up so easily. He pulled me up with such force that I stumbled and fell into him. “She needs me. Don’t you, baby girl?”

“No!” I yelled at him. “I don’t need you!” I suddenly felt more powerful with Jen and Chris behind me. I knew he wouldn’t dare try to hurt me in front of them. “You’ve abused me since the first day I ever met you! And you raped me, JC! You raped me! You don’t care about me!”

“I did not rape you,” his grip on my arm tightened, but Chris came over and released me from it.

“You need to go. I think you’ve done enough damage and you’re making us late now,” Chris was firm but soft. “Goodbye, JC.”

JC looked down at me and pushed me away forcefully. “Fine. But don’t spread lies about me. I didn’t rape you and you know it.” He went to leave, then turned back to me. “Addie, you’re making a huge mistake.”

“I made a mistake when I let myself have anything to do with you,” I retorted, and turned away from him, heading towards the back of the bus. I don’t know what happened after that, all I know is that he must have gotten off because the bus started and we were leaving. And I was safely away from him. For now anyway.

Two weeks later, we were in San Antonio. I had officially moved back onto my bus and everyone else who didn’t know just figured that JC and me had broken up. As much as I’d wanted Lance to join me, we were both cautious about anything we did in front of our friends. Jen was the only one who knew that we’d shared that intimate moment with each other and even though I knew we both wanted to see what happened, we had to be extremely careful for a while. I was also careful not to let myself get anywhere near JC and he kept his distance when the eight of us were together in a group. I thought things were slowly returning to normal-sans the fact that I was pregnant with his child-and I began to come out of my shell a bit more. I hung out a lot with Jen and Chris and Lance would sometimes join us. He made the mistake once or twice of putting his hand on my leg and Chris had raised an eyebrow in jest at that. He said nothing and I was relieved our secret was still safe.

I was sitting in our dressing room backstage putting on the final touches to my eye make up when there was a knock at the door. I stood and opened it ever so slightly, just in case it was JC. To my relief, it was Lance. He’d never stopped by before because of how careful we were being, but that night I guess he’d taken a chance. I smiled wide and opened the door for him to come into the dressing room.

“Hi,” he said and pulled me into a hug.

“Hi,” I looked up at him and he bent down to plant a kiss on my lips.

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for two weeks now,” he chuckled, his fingertips tracing my lips. I kissed his thumb and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him know that I was ok if he wanted to continue. “How are you?”

“I’m better,” I told him, as he pulled me to him. “He hasn’t really come around much. I’m just keeping to myself.”

“Yeah? Good. I’m glad,” he pulled away from me and cupped my face in his hands, kissing me again, this time with more hunger. “I want to take you out to dinner. We have a day off tomorrow in Houston. Would that be okay?”

I brightened at that and nodded excitedly. “I would love that,”

“Good,” Lance smiled. “It’s about time you went on a date with the person you might start sleeping with.”

I bit my lower lip and looked at him. “Lance, I don’t know if you want to go down that road with me. I’m kind of a mess right now,”

“I’ll take my chances, Addie,” he kissed my forehead. “I’ve been wanting this since the day I met you but I lost it to JC and I’m not going to lose you again. And I can clean up messes. I’m good at that.”

I looked down at the small little bump that I only I could really detect and then back up at him. “Are you sure?”

Lance reached down to touch my stomach. “I’m positive.” He looked at the clock on the wall and then back at me again. “I need to go. I’m supposed to be on the lookout for Joey.”

“Joey?” I questioned, as we walked towards the door.

“Yeah. He and Brooke are in his dressing room and she was supposed to meet up with Justin soon,” Lance shook his head. “I’m only doing it because Joey’s my best friend.”

I shrugged. “You’re not going to get any grief from me about it,” I told him. Before he opened the door he looked back at me and we kissed once more. “Good luck tonight, Addie.”

“Thanks, you too,” I smiled and kissed his cheek before he left. I stood at the door and watched it, secretly wishing he’d come back and we could keep making out. I felt the little bump on my stomach and sighed as I rubbed it. Jen had sworn she couldn’t tell but I knew it was starting to make itself known. I went over to the mirror and examined it from the side, then pulled my shirt up and looked at my silhouette from the side. The door opened and I looked in the reflection to see JC standing in the door -frame. I pulled my shirt down and clutched the back of the chair, daring myself to look at him again.

“Are you keeping it?” he asked, still standing in the doorway.

“I don’t know,” I answered, talking at him through the mirror.

He said nothing, just stood there and stared at me. “Don’t expect me to help. I want nothing to do with you or that little brat,”

“Part of it is your brat, too,” I retorted and glared at him through the mirror.

“Why did you tell people I raped you?” he ignored my response.

“Because you did,” I faced him and still kept my hand gripped to the chair. I think part of my thought was that I could throw the chair at him if I needed to.

“We were together,” he said. “We both wanted it.”

“No. You wanted it,” I was suddenly feeling brave. “And you hit me. And you fed me lie after lie, JC. Why would you ever think I’d want to be with you after all that?”

“Have a nice life, Addie,” he spoke sharply at me. “Keep believing those little lies you feed yourself if it makes you feel better. And don’t come bitching at me for child support. I want nothing to do with it. Nothing.”

“Good. I don’t want my child raised by a psychotic bastard anyway,” I heard myself saying and then saw JC clench his fist tightly.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, and walked out of the doorway.

“So, Addie. What’s ‘Addie’ short for?” Lance asked me as we sat across from each other at dinner the next evening. We were at a hip spot in downtown Houston at an Asian-fusion type restaurant. I’d ordered some sort of fancy miso vegetable soup and a California roll. Lance, being more daring, had gotten a sampling of every type of sashimi and two spring rolls.

“Adelaide,” I replied, bringing the soup to my lips and softly blowing on it. “It was my grandmother’s name.”

“Adelaide,” he repeated, my name rolling off his tongue so easily. “That’s a pretty name.”

I shrugged. I’d never liked it as a child and I’d been called “Addie” for as long as I could remember. Only when I’d been scolded when I was younger did my parents ever use my full name.

“Thanks,” I smiled at him and went back to my soup. So far, the date had been going quite well. With all I’d gone through the last two months, it was hard to believe this was my first actual date ever. And I was pregnant with another man’s child. I sure had screwed up the order of how to properly date someone, that was for sure. I knew most first dates could be nerve-wracking and anxiety filled, but this one with Lance seemed like the most normal thing in the world right now.

“I’ve never really gone by my full name,” I told him, my spoon scooping up the last bits of tofu. “It’s always been ‘Addie’.”

Lance smiled at me. “Could I call you that?” he suddenly blushed, then shook his head. “I mean, well, if this escalates or, something…” he trailed off and I suddenly realized he was nervous, which made him even more attractive to me. He wasn’t coming on to me like JC had that first time.

“Lance,” I touched his arm. “We’ve already had sex and we’re on a date. I think this has already escalated.”

He chuckled softly and dipped the sashimi into his soy sauce with his chopsticks, then looked at me. “You’re beautiful, Addie. I mean that. I can’t believe I’m actually sitting at a restaurant with someone who’s this gorgeous. You know, normally girls like you are with Justin or JC-“ he stopped himself and cursed, shaking his head. “Dammit. Sorry, Addie. It’s force of habit. Not that I always go out with pretty girls, I just-“

“Lance,” I interrupted him and squeezed his arm where my hand had rested. “Relax. It’s you and me on a date. Why are you so nervous?”

Lance sighed and rested his chopsticks on the plate, then leaned back into his seat and looked at me. “I guess it’s just I know that you could end this quicker than it began,”

“Me end it?” I had to laugh at that. “Lance, I’m pregnant. If anything, I would think you would want to end it before we go any further into this. You’ve got your whole life in front of you and I don’t want you to put it on hold because the girl you might want to be with is pregnant with someone else’s baby.”

He tilted in towards me and our faces were inches from each other. “For some reason, I just think it’s the most natural thing for me to be with you right now,” he kissed my lips softly and I kissed him back, my hand resting on his cheek. He pulled away slightly and smiled at me. “Come back to my room tonight.”

I bit my lower lip and smiled at him. “Okay,” I answered.

We made it through the rest of dinner but the feeling of desperation for one another suddenly took hold once were in the elevator back at the hotel. We’d had the entire top floor reserved for our tour and it was a big hotel. Lance had me pinned against the wall of the elevator and we were both groping each other as if we’d waited years to do this again. I guess two weeks had felt like a lifetime to us. I wrapped my leg around his waist and pulled him closer, double- checking the elevator floors as they lit up signifying the floor we were passing. Lance’s lips were sucking on my neck and I tugged at his hair, enjoying the fact that those doors could open at any moment. The thrill of being caught excited me for some reason, even though I had no idea what we’d do if we were caught. His hands were pulling on his belt and I knew if we didn’t get to the top floor soon, we were going to end up doing it in the elevator. Before he could go any further, the elevator stopped at our floor and Lance quickly buckled his belt back and I tried to straighten my dress as best as I could. We walked out into the hallway and it was barren and silent. He grabbed my hand and whisked me down towards his room. As he fiddled with the key, I reached up and bit his neck, my hands wandering to his belt loop and played with the buckle. He dropped the key and tried again, but this time my hand had managed to work itself into his pants and he was desperately attempting to get us inside his room. The door clicked and Lance threw it open, kicking it shut. He toppled over me on the bed and our breaths were turning into gasps as we undressed each other.

As he hovered over me, I looked up at him and shook my head.

“What?” he looked panicked and I looked down at his erection, knowing that he was more than ready.

“I’ve never been on top,” I told him.

He grinned at me and flipped us over so that I was straddling his stomach. We were both naked now and back in the warehouse I hadn’t noticed just how nice his physique was. I surveyed him up and down before placing my hands on his shoulders and easing myself down onto him. This was definitely a different sensation than I’d ever felt and I liked it. I felt like I was more in control and I knew right away why JC didn’t like it this way. I began to move with him, lifting myself up and down and loving the feeling of him inside of me more than our one time before in the warehouse.

“You….feel…so…good,” I could barely get the words out because of how much I was enjoying it. He lifted his hips in rhythm with mine and pulled my backside towards him, grunting and groaning as he did. His hand slid between us, massaging my most sensitive area and making me moan softly.

“You like that?” he whispered, his fingers knowing exactly what to do.

“Yeah,” I rested my palms on his chest, moving faster with him, knowing that any minute I was ready to come.

He lifted up as he released into me, continuing to move until I came next. I was sweating more than I ever had before when I’d had sex and we were both panting as though we’d run a mile.I rolled off of him, and he spooned me against him, kissing my shoulder blade, his arms wrapped securely around my waist. I looked at the clock and saw that it was nearing midnight. Lance said something, but I had already closed my eyes and fallen asleep.

When I woke up, he’d moved over to the other side of the bed and the sun was just peeking in through the drawn curtains covering the window. It was almost seven and we didn’t have to be anywhere till noon. Most of my stuff was in the room I’d started sharing with Brooke after JC and me had broken up. But since Brooke was going back and forth between Joey and Justin, I had had it to myself. I slowly got up from the bed and put on my clothes from the night before.

“Where are you going?” Lance mumbled from the bed.

“I just need to grab my other clothes and stuff from the room,” I told him. “I’m taking your key so I can come back.”

Lance only nodded and closed his eyes again. I tip toed out and was closing the door when JC grabbed my arm from behind and pinned me against the wall. He was fuming and I’d never seen him look as angry as he did then.

“Lance? Lance?!” he glowered at me through clenched teeth. “You little slut! So this is why you broke up with me?!” He shook me and pounded my back against the wall.

“Stop it!” I hissed at him, trying to release myself from his grip, but it was no use. “JC, I swear I will scream so loud and everyone will hear me! Let me go!”

“Not until you tell me why the hell I saw you coming out of Lance’s room!” he raised his voice and I knew any minute one of our band mates would emerge and see him doing this to me.

“Because you abused me and you raped me and you were a horrible, horrible boyfriend!” I spoke just as loudly as he had. Suddenly, he yanked me away from the wall and pulled me into the room next to Lance’s. His room. I knew what he was going to do and immediately began to fight him. Lunging for the door, I grabbed the handle before it shut, but JC was as quick as lightening. He grabbed my waist and pulled me down on the floor with him. I heard the door shut and looked up to see him coming down towards me. I rolled away and tried to crawl over to the door. He grabbed my foot, pulling me back, my legs fiery with rug burn now. He ripped my dress as he pulled it off of me.

“No!” I screamed. “Don’t!” I pushed him and kicked him but it was almost as though he liked that because it only egged him on more.

“Shut up!” he bellowed at me, his hand slapping me across the face. “You’re getting what you deserve you little bitch. You think you can just go on and get a new boyfriend while you’re having my baby and get away with it?” He slapped me again and tears began to pour down my cheeks.

“JC, please,” I begged him, sobbing. “Please stop. Please.”

He didn’t listen, only forcibly pulled my legs up around his waist. He began his assault, roughly going in and out of me, as I lay there, unable to move. I tried to scream, but his hand covered my mouth and soon it was hard to breathe. I tried to move his hand off with my own, but he threw them off and they hit the floor hard. I tried to gasp for air but I was becoming lightheaded. I closed my eyes and felt unconsciousness soon take over.

When I opened them again, I was back in a hospital bed, looking around at Brooke and Jen and Lance, all of who were leaning or sitting around the bedside. It was dark out and the last thing I’d remembered was JC on top of me.

“Hey,” Lance came over to me and knelt down beside me. “You okay?”

I nodded, looking at him with a confused expression. “It was JC –“

“It was indeed,” Brooke sighed and walked to the edge of the bed with Jen. “Addie, we heard you screaming and were trying to get in. When the hotel security got into the room, you’d passed out from nearly being asphyxiated. JC said you fainted, but the truth came out after Jen and Chris talked to the police.”

“He admitted it?” I could barely speak, but somehow managed to form that thought aloud.

“He knew he had to,” Jen said. “He had no choice. The evidence was piled against him.”

“Where is he now?” my throat felt as though it were on fire and I winced as I spoke.

“Jail,” Lance told me, giving me a glass of water that had been resting next to me. “We canceled the rest of the tour,” he continued. “And Johnny knows everything. He wants to talk to you as soon as you’re able.”

I shook my head. “No. No. Now everyone will know!” I protested. “And it’ll be all my fault!”

“It’s not your fault,” Lance assured me, rubbing my arm gently. “JC is fully to blame. You aren’t. Johnny knows that and so do a lot of other people.”

“Is the baby okay?” I asked, looking at Lance, who smiled warmly at me.

“The baby is fine,” he promised and kissed my hand. “The doctor’s did an ultra sound while you were out. They said they didn’t think it had received any trauma.”

I looked at Jen and Brooke. “I’m sorry,” I told them, my eyes filling with tears. “I know that we’re supposed to have an album in January and all and this tour was supposed to have-“

“Addie, stop it,” Brooke interrupted soothingly. “It’s fine. Johnny’s gonna talk to you about all that stuff later, okay? We just want you to be better.”

“Your parents are on their way in tonight,” Jen said and I immediately cringed at that. My parents were going to probably ask if anyone wanted to adopt me because they’d be ready to give me up once they heard I was pregnant by my ex-boyfriend who had also abused me for the month we were together.

“Shit,” I muttered and shifted in my bed.

“If it makes it better, Johnny said they were understanding when he talked to them,” Jen told me.

“I talked to them, too,” Lance spoke up and I turned to look at him in surprise. “They were fine, baby. I told them I was a friend and was looking out for you until they got here.”

“A friend?!” Brooke laughed. “You sure about that?”

“Well, I wasn’t going to tell them that I was her boyfriend,” Lance said, defensively. “I didn’t think it was exactly what they wanted to hear after they heard the last one beat her up. It just seemed better to me to tell them that I was a friend and later on, we’ll tell them the truth.”

They stayed as late as they could without getting kicked out by the hospital for manipulating visiting hours. Before he left, Lance kissed me goodbye and promised to be back first thing the next morning. It was too quiet once they’d gone and I was alone with my thoughts. How had something so wonderful with Lance and me turned into my worst nightmare with JC? I touched my cheek where he’d slapped me and felt around my mouth where his hand had gripped me almost to death. I shivered at the thought that I’d slipped into unconsciousness and was now back in the hospital again because of JC.

The phone next to me rang and hoping for any sort of conversation, I picked up.

“Hello?”

“Addie,”

I gasped. It was JC.

“No!”

“Addie, please-“

“You don’t get to do that to me anymore. Ever again. I hope you’re in jail for the rest of your life for all you did to me! I’m in the hospital again, thanks to you!”

“I know. Addie, I’m only allowed one phone call. Just hear me out-“

“I don’t give a shit if you’re allowed one hundred phone calls. Do not ever call me again!”

“Just tell me,” his voice sounded pleading. “Tell me did I hurt the baby?”

I was in a bit of shock hearing that question from him. Two nights ago he’d called it a spoiled brat and he’d been talking abortion since I’d even mentioned I was pregnant.

I took a breath before I spoke. “There isn’t a baby anymore,” I lied, and hung up.

I didn’t care.

He was getting exactly what he deserved.

Three Months Later

The sun streamed through the blinds in my bedroom. I rolled away from them, turned over, and rested my hand on the bump that had started to protrude from my abdomen. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to catch a few more minutes of sleep, knowing that my alarm would soon go off and I would have to get up and meet the girls. Next to me, Lance slept soundly and stirred once or twice in his sleep. He was on a break until March and I was soaking up every single minute I had with him.

In the last three months, everything had changed drastically. Johnny had been understanding about my situation, but he knew that I didn’t want to continue, so he offered me a position that I couldn’t turn down – choreographer for Three4One. I would get to do the one thing that gave me life to my soul and that was dance and choreograph for my friends. They’d held auditions for another member and her name was Kaitlyn, a cute blonde girl from Kentucky, who’d been going to school at Florida State for Vocal Performance. She was my age and a lot of fun, but Jen and Brooke didn’t really hang out with her as much and Brooke told me that the southern accent Kaitlyn possessed was just a little too much for her liking. Regardless, Three4One would leave to go on tour the following day and I was going to be at their last rehearsal before they got on the road. It was a ten-city tour that spanned a month and it was mostly small arenas and a few shopping malls.

I was now living in a one-bedroom apartment near the house that I’d shared with Brooke and Jen. Johnny was helping me pay for it since my parents had barely spoken to me after I’d talked to them three months ago in the hospital. My mother had broken down in tears and my father had said he didn’t know who I was anymore. Johnny had tried to intervene, but my parents told him that I was on my own and would have to make my own choices and decisions. With that, he and Lance had gone with me to look for an apartment that I could afford with my salary as a choreographer and that was in a safe neighborhood, conveniently near a hospital. Lance had asked me to move into his Orlando home and even come back with him to Mississippi, but I’d refused. As much as I needed him, I also needed to experience living on my own because in a few more months, he’d be back on tour again. We were a couple now and saw each other almost everyday and every night. In fact, he spent the night more often than not in my apartment. He went with me to every doctor’s appointment that he could and he told me when the baby came in June that he wanted to be next to me in the delivery room.

I tried not to think about JC anymore. He’d been put on a restraining order and wasn’t allowed to see me. As quiet as I’d tried to keep everything, it blew up in my face and someone on our tour had squealed and soon the entire story was the cover of The Enquirer. Brooke had tried to convince me that no one read, “that shit” as she’d called it, and that nobody would believe it. I made the mistake of going online once and typed in my name just to see what would happen. A forum on some Yahoo group was going on and on about how JC was an abusive boyfriend and that “one of the girls from that new girl group is supposedly pregnant with his baby.” Thankfully, no one really knew who I was because I’d quit before the group got too popular. Not to mention Kaitlyn had dyed her hair to match Jen’s and Brooke’s brown locks and because of that, most people just assumed she had always been in the group. JC also still thought I’d lost the baby in the hospital months ago. I knew it was going to be hard for Lance and everyone else to keep that a secret, especially because Joey was now officially dating Brooke (Justin had stopped talking to her when the tour ended) and Chris was with Jen. But somehow, he’d still not found out and he hadn’t laid eyes on me since the last time he’d raped me in his hotel room.

I’d also been going to see a psychologist once a week since all of that had ensued. Her name was Amelia and she was gentle and calm-spirited, always reminding me that it wasn’t my fault, that I had been with an abuser and that he’d carried all the signs of someone who had controlling tendencies and had taken them out on me. She knew about the baby –it was especially harder now to hide anything- and she knew about Lance and praised me for being in a healthy relationship so soon after the one I’d been in. There were still issues I had to work out with Lance most of them trust issues because obviously that was a big part of my relationship with JC. I had trusted him from the very beginning and he’d stripped me of any of that. She also assured me that my parents could eventually come around, but that in the meantime, I was doing the adult thing and taking care of myself. 

The alarm went off and I groaned, a surge of morning nausea waving over me. One thing was for sure – this baby definitely made me sick. I had thrown up almost everyday for the last two months. I could feel beads of sweat start to form on my forehead and my stomach did a flip-flop and I knew if I didn’t get up, I wouldn’t make it to the toilet. I sat up as fast as I could and walked quickly to the bathroom and was soon clutching the toilet seat. I groaned as I stood up and rinsed out my mouth, looking in on Lance, who was rolling over on his stomach. I quietly shut the bathroom door and began to get ready to take my shower. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and examined my body in the mirror. It looked and felt like the baby had grown over night. My bump was definitely bigger and firmer. I touched it and smiled. I was already in love with this little person who was taking all of my energy.

Lance opened the bathroom door, groggily shuffling in and smiling at me with one eye opened and the other partially closed. I went over and kissed him before he went to the bathroom and then I stepped into the shower.

“Did you throw up?” I heard him ask me, as I started to wash myself.

“Always,” I answered. “Did it wake you up?”

“No. I had to pee,” he replied. I heard the toilet flush and figured he’d gone back to bed, when he suddenly pulled the shower curtain aside and stepped in with me. “And you’ll be gone all day.” He took the washcloth out of my hand and drew me towards him, kissing me as the water rushed down both of our bodies.

I giggled against him and began to plant kisses down his stomach until I was safely on my knees in front of him. He leaned back against the shower wall and his hand rested on the top of my head. I teased him with my tongue and he shuddered at every single touch. I let my fingers trace around his inner thighs and heard him moaning above me.

“Don’t…stop,” were about the only words he could mutter. I didn’t but I deliberately went slower just to semi-torture him, which he loved and hated all at the same time. I flicked my tongue around his tip and soon was enveloping all of him. His hand on the back of my head now, he urged me to go faster just by his grip.

“You owe me,” I said huskily, letting him go and then taking him back in my mouth.

“Trust me, you’ll get exactly what you want,” he panted and groaned all at once and soon, I was standing up and facing him once more.

“You’ll have to wait til tonight,” I leaned in to kiss him. “I have to really get ready now or I’ll be late.”

Lance grinned at me and took the washcloth. “Let me help you,”

“Lance, seriously, I have to-“ I went to grab the washcloth, but he playfully held it above his head.

“At least let me get this for you,” he put the washcloth between my legs and began to massage me. I couldn’t stop him. It felt too good, so I let him continue and soon he was the one on his knees.

I walked into rehearsal right on time, surprising myself since after our little romp in the shower we’d ended up back in bed again. I’d gotten ready in record time, barely had time to stuff down an orange –which my doctor would have frowned upon since I was, “eating for two” as he’d reminded me-and still found a parking spot before rehearsal began.

“Addie!” Brooke waved me over to her when I came inside the rehearsal space. “Oh my god, did you grow overnight?”

I chuckled at her as I walked over to where she and Kaitlyn were sitting. Kaitlyn was on her cell phone and gave me a friendly nod, then went back to her conversation. “I think so,” I answered Brooke. “I was noticing it this morning.”

“Hi, baby baby baby,” Brooke cooed, standing up and touching the bump. “This is Auntie Brooke talking to you. I hope you’re not listening to your mother talk about me because everything is false!”

“Oh be quiet!” I laughed at her and put my things down next to hers. “Are you guys ready to leave tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Brooke sighed and made a face. “I’m sad you’re not going with us. And I’m sad that I have to leave Joey for a month. Are you sure you’re gonna be okay with me and Jen both gone?”

“I’ll be fine,” I assured her. “I’ve got Lance.”

Jen and Brooke had stopped by at least four times a week to check on me. Jen always made sure I was in on their plans, even if I couldn’t join in because I was always tired or didn’t feel like finding maternity clothes for going out. Sometimes it was just something simple like them staying over to watch a movie or cooking dinner for me, Lance, Joey, and Chris. I knew I’d miss that in the next month, but I also knew that Lance would be going back on tour and it would be nice to have him to myself for a little while.

“So, have you and Lance picked out names?” Kaitlyn asked me, as soon as she’d gotten off her phone call. Kaitlyn had no idea that JC was the father of my baby and had always just assumed as most people did that Lance was the father.

“Um, no,” I shook my head. “Maybe when you get back.”

“I so think you’re having a girl,” Brooke interjected. “Which means you should name her after me.” She was teasing and winked at me, but I knew if it was a girl, Brooke would be campaigning for her name to be in there somewhere. And even though I hadn’t said anything, I had always just assumed it was going to be a boy.  Either way, I’d prayed the child wouldn’t look too much like its biological father.

“Leave her alone,” Jen called, coming from the other side of the room. “Hi, Addie.” Jen hugged me, then looked down at my stomach. “You’re going to be bursting at the seams when we get back aren’t you?”

“Looks that way,” I sighed and smiled at her. “Okay, are you guys ready? I think Johnny wants you to go over all of your numbers twice today.” I went across the dance floor to the stereo on the wall and put their demo CD in. Or I guess it was ours since technically my voice was on it. The music was being piped through the stereo system and soon the three girls were on the floor dancing and giving it their all as though they were performing live. They looked great and a small part of me, or maybe bigger than I wanted to admit, wished it were me up there with them. Then again, the thought of having to be “on” all the time exhausted me and thinking about all of the press conferences and everything else they’d have to do made me want to crawl into bed and sleep already.

“Looks great,” Johnny told me, later that afternoon after they’d gone through their show. “Addie, you’re brilliant. I hope you know that. I would love for you to do more choreographing for The Wright Group if you feel up to it.”

“Really?” I smiled at him. “I would love that.”

“We’ll see what happens with another girl band I’m putting together. They’re younger and the hope is that they’d open for Three4One by the fall,” he looked at me and then down at the bump. “How’s the baby doing?”

“Growing,” I answered. “I think it grew twice as big over night.”

“Staying healthy?” he had taken on the role of father for me since my own father had more or less disowned me.

“Yes,” I told him. “Lance makes sure of that.”

I saw him furrow his brow and then he sighed. “Addie, I’m going to be honest with you. JC has been asking about you and he asked me point blank the other day if you had really lost the baby.”

“What did you say?” I began to panic, wondering if he’d told JC the truth and that he would have to see the baby since it was his.

“I told him that it wasn’t his business anymore. That he hadn’t wanted the baby in the first place,” Johnny paused and looked at me, a serious expression across his face. “But he told me he was wrong. He wants to know for sure about the baby. He wants to see you, Addie.”

“He’s got a restraining order,” my voice was caught in my throat. “Johnny, he abused me! I don’t want to see him!”

Jen halted the dance going on with Brooke and Kaitlyn and the music stopped. “What’s wrong?” she asked, looking over at me and Johnny.

“JC wants to see me,” I looked from Jen to Brooke.

“Well, forget that,” Brooke snapped and shook her head. “Johnny, I hope you told him to fuck off!”

“I told him he couldn’t see you,” Johnny looked down at me, trying to be reassuring. “I know there’s a restraining order, Addie. He does, too. But what if you saw him with Lance or Jen or Brooke-“

“No!” I was obstinate. “I don’t want to see him. As far as I ‘m concerned Lance is this baby’s father and the only father it will ever know!”

“But I thought Lance was the father?!” Kaitlyn spoke up and suddenly everyone became aware that she was the only one who didn’t know the truth about what was going on.

“Oh, shut up, Kaitlyn!” Brooke barked, then turned back to me. “Addie, you don’t have to see him. And Johnny, you saw Addie in the hospital! Why would you ever think that seeing JC was a good idea for her?!”

“Because he’s this child’s father. And he seems to have changed,” Johnny was trying to reason with me but I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. JC was only pulling the wool over his eyes just like he’d done with me and everyone else.

“He hasn’t changed,” Jen said, softly. “He’s a manipulator and an abuser and he hasn’t changed in a matter of three months. Sorry, Johnny. I just don’t believe that.”

Johnny sighed and I could tell there was something he wasn’t telling me. I looked at him and waited to see if he’d break.

“Addie,” Johnny closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Addie, I told him you were still pregnant. I’m sorry. I just, I’ve known him since he was seventeen. He’s never behaved like he has with you. And for a minute I thought I saw the old JC that I knew years ago.”

“So what now?” I could hardly breathe. I didn’t want JC anywhere near me or our unborn child.

“He asked me to ask you to remove the restraining order just for a day or two. He wants to see you. He wants to apologize,” Johnny tried to search my eyes but I looked away and shook my head.

“No,” I was firm with my answer. “Tell him I said ‘no’ and that he had his chance.” I felt tears brimming and let them fall. “I trusted you, Johnny. You said you’d take care of me and you want JC to be back in my life? How is that taking care of me?!”

“Addie, I’m so sorry,” Johnny shook his head. “I just thought it would be better if-“

“Better if she saw the man who raped her?” Brooke cut him off. “Is that better, Johnny?”

“I’ll tell him you don’t want to see him and that you’re not removing the restraining order,” Johnny promised me. “And Addie, I won’t let him come back in your life. I am promising you that.”

“Well, we’re moving to Mississippi,” that was Lance’s response when I’d gotten home and told him what happened. “I don’t want you here if he’s going to try and get around that restraint. If you go to Mississippi, you’ll be near my family and they’ll take care of you while I’m gone.”

“I don’t want to go to Mississippi, Lance,” I sighed and went into the kitchen to fix myself an orange juice. “It’ll be fine. He can’t get around that restraining order or he’ll get put in jail again. I don’t think he’d risk that so close to your next tour.”

“Don’t put it past him,” Lance walked into the kitchen and leaned against the bar. “Addie, just listen to me. He’ll maneuver his way back here. You know he will. Do you really feel safe if he’s already talked to Johnny and tried to get him to talk to you for him? Who knows what he’ll do.”

“Lance, I want to be here,” I cupped his face with my hands and looked up at him. “I like it here. And right now, nothing’s happened.”

Lance pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head, holding me close. “Ok. But I’m still not convinced this is the right choice for you,”

“It’ll be ok. He’s a creep, but I don’t think he’d do anything else to risk losing his career,” I kissed Lance’s cheek and tried my best to give him my most compelling smile, but he didn’t smile back and I knew he still wasn’t swayed.

Lance told me later about the following incident....

He'd walked into rehearsal about a week after Jen, Brooke, and Kaitlyn left to go on their tour. He had promised me that he wouldn't try and start anything with JC, but I had been more worried that JC might do the opposite and start a fight with Lance. All I could do was hope for the best.

While Lance was setting his things down, JC approached him. Lance noticed that he was calm and collected and not agitated like he'd been in months past.

"Just tell me how she is," was all JC said.

"She's fine," Lance looked up at JC after zipping his gym bag. He stood up and they faced each other. "She's fine." he repeated.

JC only nodded, looked at his feet, and then back at Lance. "So she's still...pregnant?"

Lance didn't say anything, but his silence gave JC the answer he'd been waiting for.

JC let out a soft groan and shook his head, then made eye contact with Lance. "I just want to see her, man. Can you just tell her I want to see her?"

Lance was silent for a few seconds, then spoke. "I can tell her that. But I don't think she'll want to see you,"

"She's pregnant with my baby,"

"A baby you wanted to abort,"

"I wasn't in the right frame of mind!" JC raised his voice and Chris and Justin looked over from the other side of the rehearsal hall. JC sighed and lowered his voice. "I wasn't right, dude. You know that wasn't me on tour!"

"JC, you can say what you want, but you took it too far. You have no excuse except that you snapped and you know it," Lance went to walk away from him, but JC stopped him.

"Yeah, I snapped. I got put in jail and then got help. She should at least know that she owes me one visit. I just want to see her, Lance. I just want to apologize,"

"I can tell her," Lance replied, as they both walked towards Justin, Chris, and Joey, who were watching them as if they were getting ready to watch a boxing match. "But I don't know what good it will do."

"Oh, so I get to stand back and watch you raise my kid?!" JC was nearly shouting now and Joey walked over to him and touched his arm. JC shoved it off and turned to face Lance. "Look, I paid my dues. I sat in jail for a week, I got counseling and help, and I'm on meds now. What more does she want?!"

Lance looked at him incredulously. He shook his head at JC and clucked his tongue. "You're really serious? What more does she want from you?! JC, do you remember anything that went down between the two of you? You were possessive and abusive, not to mention you raped her twice. Do you honestly think she wants to see you ever again?!"

JC's hands balled into fists and he took a deep breath and slowly let it out, as if he were counting to ten in his head. He closed his eyes and then opened them, facing Lance. "She's having my child. And she can't keep it away from me forever. And neither can you, Lance. So you tell her we have to talk. You tell her she should drop that restraining order. Because you and I both know it's the right thing to do. I have a right to my child."

"I told you," Lance replied, as calmly as he could manage at that point. "I will tell her everything you've just told me. But I don't think it will do any good. She's made up her mind about you. As far as the baby goes, I guess that'll have to be decided after it's born, right?"

JC glared at him and shook his head. "I'm not going to stand by and just let this happen, Lance," he huffed. "So don't think that I'm going to be fine with this -" he pointed to Lance and back to himself - "little arrangement. You think that I won't eventually see this kid? And does she really think she can hide it from me? We live in the same damn city and we're friends with the same people!"

"I don't know, JC," Lance still remained calm and shrugged at him. "I just think that for right now, it has to be the way it is. She's not going to remove the restraining order. She's pretty scared of you."

"She wouldn't be scared if you'd tell her I changed!" JC was shouting at him and Lance backed away, putting up both hands in surrender.

"Okay, okay," Lance nodded. "JC, I'll tell her for you. I'll tell her everything you just told me."

"No," was my response after Lance had reiterated the conversation to me later that evening. "No, Lance. I don't want to see him and I don't want him near this baby!" I shook my head vehemently. "You know he hasn't really changed. You know he'd try to control me if he could or god knows what else!"

"Shh," Lance took me in his arms and kissed my cheek. "I know, Addie. You don't have to see him. I promise" He pulled away and I looked up at him. "Are you sure you don't want to go to Mississippi?"

I pondered the question for a few seconds. I didn't want to leave Orlando. As crazy as the last year had been, especially the last six months, I didn't want to leave Jen or Brooke. They were like my sisters now. My family. And since my own family had practically disowned me, it was nice to be near them, even if they'd soon be gone more often than not throughout the year. And even though I didn't know them as well, Joey and Chris and Justin were like brothers. Leaving all of those people would crush me. Of course I knew I'd be safe near Lance's family when he was gone, but I also knew what I would be leaving there in Orlando and I wasn't ready to do it just yet.

"I'm sure," I softly answered and rested my head against him. "I don't want to leave people here."

Lance was quiet and just held me close to him. I knew he didn't agree with me but he wasn't going to say anything because he knew what was important to me right now.

A few days later, I was home alone. Lance had run out to meet up with Joey for a nine-hole round of golf and promised me he'd be back before dinner. I hadn't slept well the night before and had woken up once more throwing up. I made myself comfortable and cozy on the couch in the living room and before he'd left, Lance had made me a bowl of chicken soup and made sure I'd had Sprite and crackers nearby. I knew that it was only morning sickness, but I also knew that Lance always took extra precaution when it came to me and the baby. I kept my cell phone on the coffee table and Lance made me promise to call him if I started to feel more sick. By the middle of the afternoon, I felt fine but I still enjoyed the excuse to stay in my pajamas, curled up on the couch watching an Audrey Hepburn movie marathon with a cup of herbal tea. It was a relaxed afternoon and I wasn't planning on doing anything else until Lance got home.

There was a knock on the door and I was irritated because it was right in the middle of  My Fair Lady, which was one of my favorite musicals. I sighed and got up, walking to the door, and unlocking it. I gasped when I opened it and saw JC on the other side.

"No!" I slammed the door in his face, but he pushed back and easily moved inside of the room. I felt myself shaking and the phone was all the way over by the couch. "Go away! You're not supposed to be near me!" I don't know where I'd found the nerve to yell at him, but I had and he was even surprised by it.

"Addie, stop being stupid," he walked over to me. "I'm not going to do anything."
"JC, I have a fucking restraining order against you!" I moved behind the bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. "Don't come near me!"

"Addie," he continued walking towards me. "Look at you. You still take my breath away. How many months are you?"

I didn't answer, just watched him like a hawk and stayed glued behind the bar of the kitchen. I looked down and saw I was standing in front of a set of knives and my first thought was that I could just start throwing them at him if he even dared to start something. 

"You can't get away with this, you know," he was on the other side of the counter from me, facing me with a smirk on his face. "You're having my baby, Addie. And it doesn't matter that you're with Lance. That's my child. Mine. Not Lance's. Mine."
"I don't care, JC. You lost any rights to this child when you wanted me to abort it. You lost everything when you raped me. So don't try to manipulate this. I'm not the little girl you controlled a few months ago,"

JC didn't say anything, he just watched me, eyeing my stomach and then looking back at me. "What are we having? A boy or a girl?"

"It's none of your business," I retorted, not bothering to tell him that I wasn't finding out until the following week what the sex of the baby was going to be.
"It is my business," he nearly gritted his teeth as he said that. He came around from behind the other side of the bar and into the kitchen. "Addie, you have to make up with me and then you're going to give me the paternal rights that I'm supposed to have. I'll take you to court if you don't."

"Go. Away!" I wanted to push past him but I was frozen. He didn't make a move, just watched me.

"Can I at least touch your stomach? Feel our baby?" he inched forward and I backed away, shaking my head slowly.

"No. JC, you have to go. Leave!" I was now pressed against the refrigerator and I knew if he made any other moves, I was done. I didn't have the strength to fight him and he was stronger than me. He'd obviously proved that before. My breathing became heavier and I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. I looked over at the clock on the microwave. Lance would be home any minute. 

Let him get home before JC leaves. Please, God, let him get here! 

"Addie," he sauntered over to me and I gasped as his hand touched my belly. He began to rub it and I stood there, frozen, not wanting to move but also wanting to get the hell away from him. "That's our baby, Addie. That's our child. You and me." I could feel tears of fear starting to run down my cheeks. I bit my lip and prayed once more that he'd turn around and leave. He looked right into my eyes and wiped the tears off with his thumb. He left it on my cheek and began to softly stroke it. I was still shaking, still crying, and had no where to turn. "You're beautiful. God, Addie, I can't believe you left me." He leaned into me, his body pressing into mine, his skin touching mine. I was frozen. "Come back to me. Let's raise our baby together."

"No," it escaped from my lips before I had a chance to stop it. 

He let a loud sigh escape and shook his head. He let me go and I saw his hands clench into a fist. I winced but he released his fingers and glared at me. "I only did what I thought was necessary. I loved you, Addie. Why didn't you love me back?"

"No, you didn't," I replied, still frozen against the refrigerator. "If you loved me, you wouldn't have treated me the way you did. You abused me, JC."

"I wanted you to be with me," he stood there and watched me. "You can't take this baby away from me."

"You're not getting anywhere near it," I snapped and bravely pushed past him and went back into the living room. "You need to go now, JC. You had your chance. Maybe if you'd waited, maybe if you hadn't yelled at Lance the other day, I might've changed my mind."

At that minute, Lance walked in and stood in the doorway, shocked to see JC standing across from me. 

"Get out," he told JC calmly. "You're not supposed to be anywhere near her and you know it."

"Fine," JC stomped towards the door. "Addie, I just wanted to see you. I just wanted to -"

"You should've done it later, JC," was all I could say. I felt myself relax now that Lance was standing there between us. "Go. Get out. And I don't want to see you ever again."

"You can't keep my kid from me, Addie. You'll be hearing from me before too long," he slammed the door as he left and I jumped. 

Lance came over to me and grabbed me gently, pulling me in his arms. I let out a shaky sigh and let him hold me for a few minutes before either of us spoke. "I think," I began, "that I need to go to Mississippi."

"You don't have to give up Orlando completely," he said softly. "You'd just go long enough to give yourself space from all of this." 

"Yeah," I let out another sigh. 

"Are you going to report him?"

"No. I don't know. He's going to report me because I'm not letting him see our baby,"

Lance was didn't say anything for a minute Then, "Just don't worry about it, Addie. We'll just go to Mississippi and worry about it later, okay?"

That night, I went online and emailed Jen and Brooke letting them know that I was going away to Jackson for at least two months, maybe longer. I sat there and looked at the email after I'd sent it, realizing that I was about to leave the only place I'd lived in and leave people who'd become like family. But I had to do it. For the sake and the health of my baby and for me, I needed to leave. Today had only proven that JC could've given a crap about the restraining order. As long as he was anywhere near me, he thought he had control. 

I had started having reoccurring nightmares once I got to Mississippi. Most of them involved the baby being kidnapped by JC or JC somehow reappearing in a random place that I happened to be. I’d woken up Lance more than once in a cold sweat and crying. He’d tried to comfort me, but often times, it was hard to get back to sleep. And once I had fallen asleep again, my sleep was restless and I’d usually be awake before the sun came up. Lance would normally find me sitting in the bay window seat in his living room, curled in a blanket with a cup of decaf hot tea in my hand, staring out the window as the sun rose above the trees in his backyard. I knew he was worried about me, but there wasn’t really anything he could do. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. I was miserable. And it wasn’t just the flu or the morning sickness, either. I missed my friends. I missed Orlando. I missed the thrill I’d had when I’d first joined Three4One. I missed choreographing and dancing.

“Hey, I have a surprise for you,” he told me one morning after I’d managed to finish a dry piece of toast and hot tea. It was really the only thing I could keep down before lunch anymore.

I was sitting at his kitchen table and watching him clean up after our breakfast together. I envied his omelet that he was easily able to scarf down. It looked delicious. However, I knew if it came anywhere near me, I’d throw up before I had a chance to taste it.

“What?” I asked him, sipping my tea.

“You think I’m going to tell you? It’s a surprise,” He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder giving it a little squeeze. “I have to run into town really quick today. I’ll be fast. Do you need anything?”

I was feeling particularly grumpy that day. I was mad that he was leaving, then again the day before I’d griped silently to myself that he wouldn’t leave me alone. I knew it was hormones. It had to be hormones. I was never this moody before I’d become pregnant.

“No,” I mumbled, looking down at my tea. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” he leaned down to peck my lips before he headed towards the garage. “I’ll see you in about an hour or so. With my surprise.”

“Yeah, okay,” I didn’t look back at him, just stood up and took my mug to the sink and rinsed it out.

I’d been wearing the same pajamas for three days now and felt disgusting. I decided a nice, long, soak in the Jacuzzi in the Master bathroom would do me good. The water couldn’t be too hot, obviously because of the baby, but I could get it at a nice, warm temperature. I let my hair down out of the loose bun it had been in, threw my pajamas on the bathroom floor, and started the water in the tub. I looked at myself in the mirror while the Jacuzzi filled up with water and bubble bath. I was most definitely a pregnant woman on the outside and anyone could tell it now. The bump had turned into a well-rounded shape and looked as though I’d swallowed a basketball. My baby boy was going to be a nice size and weight that was for sure. It hadn’t been a huge surprise when the doctor told me I was going to have a boy because I’d kind of already known it. Mother’s instinct I guess. Lance had been thrilled and had already started coming up with names, most of which I’d silently vetoed. I didn’t want to name him until I saw him. How did I know whether or not he was a Caden or a Jacob without looking at him first?

I slid into the Jacuzzi and rested my head against the back of the tub. The jets were on low and felt good against my back and thighs. I closed my eyes and stretched my toes. It was quiet and I was enjoying the relaxation. I began to think about the next four and a half months. Lance would be leaving in about three weeks until June, when I was due. Johnny had already warned us that JC would figure it out once he’d skipped a few tour dates, but Lance had assured me he was beyond caring and that his main concern was that someone was with me in the delivery room. I thought about after the baby came and where I’d go. I certainly wasn’t planning on being in Mississippi for too long. In fact, I assumed once Lance was back on tour and JC was out of Orlando with him, I’d just go back there and live. I’d figure out what to do when their tour ended in August. JC wasn’t going to scare me away from living my life in Orlando, I was going to make sure of that. I shivered upon thinking about our last encounter. Thinking of how ballsy he’d been to just assume I’d take him back or that I’d drop the restraining order. It was as though nothing had registered with him. Maybe he knew he’d done wrong, but he hadn’t realized just how wrong. Maybe he thought I’d enjoyed his manipulation, and, truth be told, maybe at first I hadn’t known it was manipulation. Everyone else had seen me fall into his trap, but I was so in awe of him, so desperate for him, that I hadn’t wanted to see it. I thought he was supposed to treat me that way.

And the sex hadn’t been awful. In fact, the first few weeks we’d slept together had been amazing. If I was honest with myself, sometimes I’d think about those first few times. It wasn’t that Lance was awful, they were both just different. Lance was more deliberate, more concentrated, more loving. JC liked it rough and he liked to be in control and it was that control that had been the demise of our relationship. I’d spent hours on the couch with my therapist, Amelia, being reminded that sexual control was only healthy when it was consensual. And while I’d let him have his way with me at first, it soon became just a game to him and my feelings, my thoughts, anything I wanted was forgotten about. At the end of it all, I was left an empty shell, still 19, still naïve, and still a little girl in many aspects of it all, except that now I was going to have a baby and would have to grow up too fast.

“Do you love Lance?” Amelia had asked me a few weeks prior to leaving Orlando.

“I care about Lance. I don’t know if I love him. I don’t even know what loving someone else looks like, Amelia. I thought I loved JC but look how that turned out,” I’d answered, more forthright than I’d ever answered any other question of hers.

“Does he love you?” she prodded.

“I think he does. He acts like it. He’s always protective of me and by what he does, I would say so. But sometimes I don’t even know what we’re doing together,” I’d never admitted it to anyone before. Not Jen. Not Brooke. Not even to myself. Until that day. “He’s taken me in and he was there for me when I needed him the most. And I like being with him. And I want the baby to know him…” I began to trail off and Amelia just nodded.

“But you don’t know, do you?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No,” I answered, truthfully. “I don’t know if I love him.”

“Trust me,” she smiled warmly at me. “When you know you love someone, there’s not a shadow of doubt.” She paused. “I think he’s good for you right now, Addie. I think you need him and he likes that. I don’t know what will happen after the baby comes. But I do think that moving to Mississippi for a bit will clear your head and you can get some fresh air.”

I pondered that conversation as I soaked in the Jacuzzi. I still hadn’t decided what it was I felt for Lance. I think I was beginning to love him, but I was still confused. He’d literally come into my life right at the perfect time and I could easily let myself fall in love with him and maybe a part of me was, but confusion overwhelmed me and all I knew to do was to just continue on in the relationship until I was sure. After all, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was the complete opposite of that.

As if on cue, I heard him coming up the stairs. I must’ve soaked longer than I thought. He opened the door to the bathroom and poked his head in. “Hey,” he greeted me, walking towards me. He sat on the edge of the Jacuzzi. “Your surprise is downstairs when you’re ready.”

I just nodded and looked at him, a small smile appearing on the edge of my lips. “Where’d you go?” I wanted to know.

“You’ll see when you come downstairs,” he reached down to kiss me and nearly toppled over into the tub. Catching himself, he began to laugh and I giggled at him as he stood up. “Well, I guess I’ll just wait til you get out and get my kiss then.”

“I’m getting out now,” I slowly stood up and let the water begin to drain. He handed me my towel, which was hanging next to the toilet by the Jacuzzi and watched me as I dried off. I could feel his eyes on me and I wrapped the towel around me. I eyed him and saw the lust in his eyes, knowing what he wanted to be doing, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood after the contemplative bath I’d just taken. I left the bathroom and Lance followed me back into the bedroom.

“That was kind of hot, Addie,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I was just drying off,” I replied a little too nonchalantly, as I began to get dressed.

“Still,” he watched me in the mirror as I brushed out my hair. “We could do something in about five minutes.”

“Wow, that’s really romantic, Lance,” I rolled my eyes at him and turned to face him. “If you want to get off, go to the bathroom.” I was a bit snippy and I knew it from the look on his face that I’d come across a little more mean than I’d meant it. Hormones. Hormones were the main culprit. “I’m sorry, Lance. I didn’t mean it like that.” I sauntered over to him and cupped his face in my hands, leaning down to kiss him softly. “I’m just not feeling great these days.”

He smiled, though I could see in his eyes he was still a little hurt. “It’s okay,” he assured me and kissed me back. “I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks.”

“You don’t have to put up with my shit for much longer,” I reminded him, as he stood up. “You leave for the tour soon and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Hey,” he pulled me into a hug. “You know I want you here and I want you on tour with me if you could be. Right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I just, I’m going through a lot of stuff right now, Lance.” He said nothing, just removed a strand of hair from my eyes. “Let’s go downstairs. I want to see this surprise you’ve been talking about all day.”

“Addie!” I heard Brooke’s shriek from the top of the stairs and I barreled down them as fast as I could. She gasped when she saw me and Jen was right behind her. “Oh my god, you are so pregnant!” She grabbed me in a hug and Jen joined in next. Pulling away from me, she touched my belly and then looked back at me. “You’re only five months! What in the world will you look like at nine?”

“Don’t talk to me about that,” I shook my head and the three of us sat down on the couch together. Lance sat across from us in the recliner. “How in the world are you here? I didn’t think your tour would be so close to us!”

“We were in New Orleans yesterday,” Jen informed me. “And it’s not really that far away. We got in touch with Lance and he said he’d come pick us up so we could spend the day with you. We’ve got one more show at a mall in Alabama and then we’re home.”

“And then you’re gonna come back and live with us til Lance gets back in June,” Brooke added in. “Right?”

I giggled and shrugged at them. “Maybe. I’ll at least come back to Orlando in March.”

“I thought you were going to stay here?” Lance suddenly piped up. I looked over at him and saw the look of shock on his face. “You’re not really going to be alone until the baby comes are you?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I said she was going to live with us,” Brooke told him, then looked back at me. “C’mon, Addie. You can’t go back to that apartment by yourself.”

“I’d rather you stay here,” Lance spoke again. “You’d be around my mom and if anything were to go wrong or something-“

Brooke let out a groan. “Lance, she’ll be fine. She can move in with us. Kaitlyn’s going back to Kentucky for a few weeks anyway, thank god, and then you can have your old room back.”

“What’s wrong with Kaitlyn?” I wanted to change the subject. I knew I didn’t want to continue this conversation with the three of them because everyone would disagree about what was the best thing for me to do.

“Oh please can we not talk about it,” Brooke sighed, a little too dramatically then continued. “If I hear one more irritating thing about how her voice teacher was the best in all of Florida, I will scream. And seriously, the accent gets worse whenever she’s trying to flirt, which is all the freaking time. Not to mention she was caught in bed with one of the 98 Degrees guys.”

“I thought it was a Backstreet Boy?” Jen asked.

“No. It was when we were in St. Louis at the beginning of the tour and we met up with them at that radio station,” Brooke reminded her. “She went off with Drew or Jeff or whoever and then one of the crew guys caught them on their bus.”

“Well, whoever it was, she’s really just too immature to be on tour,” Jen said.

“I was immature. Remember?” I gave them a look. “Clearly. Look what ended up happening.” I patted my belly and shook my head. “I’m sure she’ll be fine once she gets the hang of it.”

It was nice to have Jen and Brooke there that day. It felt somewhat like old times. We avoided the subject of me moving back to Orlando and we ignored the questions about what would happen after I had the baby and what would JC do then. We just talked about their tour and that Jen and Chris were getting more serious and that Joey wanted Brooke to experiment with another threesome, but this time with a girl, and Brooke had given it some thought but wasn’t completely sold on it.

“I mean, if it turns him on, I get it. I just don’t know if I could make out or fool around with another woman is all,” she had said. “Doing it with him and Justin was fine, but you know that didn’t turn out so well. Someone always gets left out.”

After dinner, Lance and I drove them back into Jackson where their tour bus was waiting on them. Kaitlyn vigorously waved at us as we pulled into the parking lot. She was standing by the bus and I could immediately hear Brooke begin to grumble to Jen about her. We got out of the car and said goodbye, and I hugged the girls a little tighter than usual. I knew it would be at least another month until I saw them again.

“Let us know what you decide to do,” Jen said to me, as we hugged. “You know you can always come live with us til he’s off tour.”

“I will,” I promised her and hugged her back. “Have fun. Love you.”

“Be good for your mommy,” Brooke said to the baby and patted my belly. “Hey, I love you. And I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay?”

“Yeah,” I spoke softly and hugged her. “See you. Love you.”

Brooke squeezed my arm as she followed Jen to the bus.

Lance and I got back in the car and he started the drive back to his house. We were quiet at first and I could almost feel him wanting to ask me about Orlando. I waited until he’d turned the corner before I said something first.

“Lance, I want to go back. After you leave, I mean. I don’t want to be here. I think your family is great, but they’re not mine. And I want to be near Jen and Brooke,” my sentences were broken and short. “You understand, don’t you?”

“But Addie, you know my family will be your family sooner or later anyway,” was his response.

My family?

“What do you mean?” I ventured to ask, looking over at him.

“I just figured we’d probably get married, you know, after the baby comes,” he glanced over at me, then looked back at the road.

“Married?” I heard myself say it aloud. “Lance, I don’t even know what I want to do after he gets here. And I don’t even know if….” Could I tell him I didn’t know if I loved him? “…if, if I want that.” I finished and knew I should’ve said it.

He didn’t say anything for a minute. Then, “So, you’re going back to Orlando, then?”

“Yes,”

“I’m not trying to pressure you, Addie. I just figured that us getting married made the most sense, you know?”

“Do you love me, Lance?” The question was asked before I could stop myself.

“Addie, what do you mean? Of course I l-“

“Because I don’t know if I love you,” I was on a roll now. “I care about you. And I want to be with you. But I just don’t know if I love you.”

“So…” he started, “What are we doing?”

“We’re in a relationship. Like most people our age, we’re dating. And maybe I’ll figure it out soon. But I don’t know. I’m sorry, Lance. I can’t tell you that I love you because I don’t know,”

The rest of the ride back to his house was quiet. I wished I hadn’t said anything. I knew I’d hurt him because it was written all over his face. When we got inside the house, we both went upstairs and I sat on the bed, watching him as he took his clothes off and sat on the bed in his boxer briefs, turning on the television.

“I’m sorry, Lance,” I finally spoke, after I’d brushed my teeth and sat down on the bed next to him. “I wish I could tell you what you wanted to hear.”

“Me, too,” he muttered, not looking at me.

“I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t-“

“Addie, I’m not asking you to change how you feel. I just assumed it was a mutual feeling we had for each other. I was wrong,” he sighed and stretched out on the bed, his hand resting on stomach, his other holding the remote.

“I don’t want to break up, Lance,” I suddenly felt vulnerable and even though I didn’t know what I felt for him, I knew breaking up right now wasn’t good.

He turned to face me. “I’m not going to break up with you, Addie, if that’s what you’re worried about. We’ve only been really dating for three months. It’s okay. I promise.”

I nodded and nestled under the duvet. If he said it was okay, then it was okay. He loved me, I was still figuring it out.

Then why did it feel like we’d just broken up?

“Addie?”

I snapped to attention. Lance had taken me to some small little baby boutique in the middle of downtown Clinton. I’d been aimlessly walking behind him as he spoke with the owner of the shop about nursery themes and ideas and other additions that I probably should have been listening to, but I’d been off ever since we’d had the conversation the week before about my moving to Orlando. He’d been trying so hard to show me just how much he was in love with me and I was so confused and naïve about it that I let him, and forced myself to try and do things and make him think that I was ok with it. He’d wanted so much to do whatever I wanted or needed, but had I been honest with myself, I didn’t even know what that was.

“Huh? Sorry,” I smiled sheepishly and walked over to him.

“Addie, I was asking what you thought of this teddy bear mobile? Leah says we can get a discount on it,” he was pointing to a green mobile with little teddy bears hanging down from it. It played “Lullaby” on repeat once it was wound up. Leah was the owner of the shop and an old friend of the Bass family and had been thrilled when we walked in the shop and Lance had been with her most of the time.

I wanted to tell him I didn’t care, that whatever it was, just to get it. Because the truth was, I just wanted to get out of there. In two days we’d both be heading back to Orlando and I had never been more excited to get back to anywhere than I was to Orlando. I didn’t care that there was a chance I could run into JC. I didn’t care that I’d be sharing a house while I was five months pregnant. I just wanted out of Mississippi. I wanted to be back where I was familiar with things, where I knew people, and where I could relax without worrying about having to impress anyone. It wasn’t that Lance’s family hadn’t treated me well. They were really nice and had been nothing but wonderful to me. But I didn’t know them and the fact that Lance had inferred that they could be my family had more or less made me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable around them.

“Um, I like it,” I answered, trying to look interested.

“It has a matching little blanket as well,” Leah added, holding up a light green blanket with teddy bears on it.

“Sure,” I nodded, the smile on my face feeling like it was permanently stuck there.

Lance looked at me and pulled me aside. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I replied, the smile on my face not changing.

“Addie, you’ve been acting off all day. What happened? Are you feeling sick?” he touched my arm and I could feel myself cringe against his touch.

“No. I’m fine!” I tried to be as reassuring as possible but he wasn’t buying it.

“Do you need to talk to me about something?” he prodded and I knew he wasn’t going to give up until I was honest with him. But I didn’t want to have this discussion in the middle of the store.

“Yes, but not here, okay?” I tried to keep the reassurance but I was growing tired and it had waned significantly in just the last few seconds.

“Leah,” Lance turned to his friend, “We’ll come back tomorrow. Can you put those on hold?

“Sure, Lance,” Leah smiled warmly at us. “Take care. Thanks for stopping in!” she was calling to us as we left the shop. Lance put his arm around my waist and we walked quietly to the car, which was parked down the block. We got in and Lance didn’t start the car, only looked at me and waited for me to speak.

I looked at him and didn’t want to tell him that I’d been having second thoughts about everything. We’d been connecting so well back when I was going through the whole thing with JC, I had needed someone to vent to, to protect me. But lately…I felt as though I hadn’t needed that. I wanted to be independent. Or at least I thought I did.

“I just, Lance, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve not had a good time here. It’s nothing you or your family did. You’ve been wonderful to me. I’ve just kind of felt smothered and I want to be back in Orlando. I want to be with Jen and Brooke,” I dared myself to look at him. He was looking ahead, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Are you breaking up with me?” he sounded so sad and dejected and I was the one making him feel like this.

“I-I don’t know, Lance. I just know that I’m confused and want to be back where I’m familiar with things and with people,” I shook my head. “I know that doesn’t sound right, but I’ve not felt like myself and maybe I’m just talking nonsense or something. I just want things to be back to normal.” It was then that the tears fell. What was normal anymore? A year ago I’d just been a wide-eyed college freshmen. Six months ago I’d joined a group that was supposed to have been the opportunity of a lifetime. And now, here I was, pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. Of course I was confused and bewildered.

“Addie, look, I love you, you know that. So I’m not going to just leave you when we get to Orlando. I’ll be here for you if you need me. I don’t want to smother you or keep you from whatever it is you need to figure out,” he started the car and regarded me, his hand resting on top of mine.

“Are you mad?” I ventured to ask, my voice wavering as I wiped my tears on my sleeve.

Lance chuckled and shook his head. “I’m a little sad, but I think you’ve gone through enough for me to be mad at you right now.” He smoothed out my hair and rested his fingertips on my cheek. “Sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe you have to deal with what you have to deal with. I wish I could take it away from you, Addie. I wish you didn’t have to be in the position you’re in. If I were at those auditions last year for Three4One I would’ve steered you away. I don’t think you were ready. I’m not trying to insult you, I just think there are some people that can handle it and you-“

“I know, Lance,” my voice shaky through my tears. “I know. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t ever seen that damn flyer in the first place.”

Three days later, I was sitting in my old living room with Jen and Brooke. I still had the apartment, but everyone agreed that until the baby arrived, I should stay with my friends. Lance had dropped me off and kissed me goodbye, though this time it had felt more like a friendly kiss than a romantic one.

“I broke up with him,” I told them, as Jen sat down on the couch across from the recliner I was sitting in. “I just didn’t think it was fair to date him if I didn’t know what I felt for him. I mean, he was there for me when I went through all that shit with JC and it wasn’t like the sex was awful or we didn’t connect. I just feel like I need to figure some stuff out.”

“No judgment here,” Jen assured me, handing me a bottle of water. “Addie, we’re all here for you. Whatever you need, okay?”

“Though,” Brooke cleared her throat uncomfortably. “He’s with someone. JC I mean. He brought her to our last function and get together at Johnny’s.”

I didn’t even know how to react or process what I’d just heard. I was done with JC. I knew it a long time ago. So why was my stomach doing flip -flops and my heart sinking to the pit of my chest? Why did I feel like I could cry right then? I touched my belly and rubbed it, as though I was reminding myself that JC had caused this and that he had abused me and that he was probably putting this girl through the same thing he’d put me through. I was quiet and didn’t say anything, just looked down at the floor and then up again at my friends.

“Remember what he did to you, Addie,” Jen quietly reminded me. “You know he’s not in a good place. He can’t be in a good place. And if it’s any consolation, he looked like death when we saw him.”

I honestly couldn’t imagine JC looking that bad. I’d seen him pretty drunk and high but never so bad that he appeared terrible looking. He was a handsome guy, I’d give him that.

“He’s not done with his treatment,” Brooke added. “And this girl he was with looked like she’d just fallen off the porn star wagon.”

“Was she pretty?” I dared myself to say outloud. Not that I wanted to really know.

“She was hideous,” Brooke made a face and stuck out her tongue. “She looked like she hadn’t slept in days and she was all emaciated. And she was all clingy with him.”

“Probably because he wouldn’t let her out of his sight,” I retorted, nearly under my breath. I shook my head. “Whatever. It’s all over with him, thank goodness.”

“He asked about you,” Jen said softly, and bit her lower lip, pausing before she continued. “He wanted to know if you were ok and how the baby was. I didn’t give him any indication that I cared what he asked, but I don’t know what you’re going to do once the baby arrives.”

“I’ll figure it out,” that seemed to be my response to everything lately. I didn’t know what exactly I was going to figure out first because the list had gotten longer and longer.

“You know he can still see the baby, right?” Jen added. “Johnny asked around and apparently his lawyer told him that JC could have the right to be in the hospital when you deliver. JC told Johnny that he already knew you wouldn’t want that and so he is going to talk about visitation rights and….”

Jen continued to talk but I wasn’t listening anymore. It was all too much. I just wanted to run away from it all. Orlando was supposed to have been my safe haven, but it was proving already to bring more stress with it. Where would I even run away to now? Mississippi hadn’t worked and being at Jen’s and Brooke’s only enabled my thoughts to go to a place I didn’t want them to go ever again. I wondered if it would be back to normal once the baby was here, but I knew it wouldn’t be. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be done with it all. And then a part of me, a very tiny part of me, wanted to see JC. I didn’t know what I’d say to him, but I wanted him to know I was ok and that his baby was ok and that we’d figure out visitation rights and that I was slowly forgiving him. But I knew if I even dared to say that to Jen or Brooke, they’d shoot me down and tell me I wasn’t ready. I needed more time or that I was just being silly because of the emotional attachment that still lingered.

“Are you even listening to anything we’re saying?” Brooke interrupted my thoughts and I glanced at her, shaking my head.

“I need to go lie down,” I stood up slowly and turned to head for the stairs. Brooke and Jen protested it but I ignored it and walked up the steps that would lead me to my old bedroom. I opened the door and laid on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying to remember the last time I’d been happy. Genuinely happy. I couldn’t seem to remember anything before last June when I’d made the band.

I finally let myself relax and closed my eyes, praying sleep would come and I could wake up and figure out something, anything, to get me out of the funk I’d been in, knowing that deep down, my life was never going to be the kind of normal I wanted.

May 2001

As I write this, looking back, I wish I’d had better judgment on all of it. I think a part of me kind of hoped that Jen and Brooke would take care of that part and let me know when I was doing something stupid. Yet it wasn’t their job to do that. Just because I had been living with them I think I just assumed they’d take over and tell me what to do and what not to do. They had their own lives, their own careers to think about. Yes, they loved me and I was one of their dearest friends, but it wasn’t their duty to take care of me. I never voiced it to them, but silently, I think I was crying out for someone to be there for me. Lance was on tour and even though he called every so often, he knew it was done between us, at least for now and every conversation became shorter and more surfaced. Brooke and Jen were busy with appearances and so I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, which wasn’t a good thing. And I’m pretty sure it was why I called JC in the first place.

Why did I do it? I think I wanted to forget everything. I wanted the child I was carrying to have some sense of normalcy in his life and to me that meant that both of his parents were reconciled. At the time, I was too naïve to know that an abuser will always abuse and I had enough evidence looking back, that he wasn’t healed.

I had his cell phone number still memorized from when we’d started our relationship and I double- checked to make sure that Jen and Brooke were out of the house before I dialed it. I also made sure that he would be around. It was right before three in the afternoon and I knew that the guys would be resting up before sound check. I also knew that JC would be alone in his dressing room either sleeping or possibly smoking a joint. Either way, he’d be relaxed enough to talk to me. Relaxed and very surprised.

“Hello?” He answered on the third ring. His voice was groggy, so I assumed I’d woken him up.

“JC, it’s me. Addie,”

“Addie?! Holy shit. Why are you calling me? I didn’t think that was allowed!”

“It’s not,” I leaned back against my bed frame and rested my hand on my belly. “But I just wanted to talk to you. I’m going to have our baby next month and I just need things to be okay again,”

“Okay again,” he repeated. “How do you mean?”

“I just want us to be reconciled,”

“Addie, you know I want that, too,”

“You do?”

“Baby, of course I do. I never wanted it to turn out the way it did. I love you, Addie. And I know I messed up but I’ve changed and I want us to give it another try,”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, Addie. Please. We have a two -day break coming up. I’ll fly to Orlando and we can work on us. Come on. What do you say? You’re having my baby and I don’t want to just be the guy in the waiting room. I want to be there for you and I want to be there with you,”

“Okay,” I agreed, not even thinking about any sort of repercussions. Nor was I thinking about how I would see him without Jen or Brooke eventually finding out. I didn’t have a car and to see him, he’d have to pick me up. I’d have to be strategic and very sneaky about it. If they caught us together, I knew it wouldn’t be good.

“I’ll be there in three days, Addie. I’ll come over and we can talk, okay? I’m so glad you want to do this,”

“JC, don’t, I mean, don’t say anything, okay? The restraining order-“

“I’m not stupid, Addie. I won’t say anything. All anyone has to know is that I’m home for a few days,”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” I said. “I’ll see you this weekend.”

“Yes, you will,”

We said goodbye and I hung up, staring at the phone and wondering how on earth I’d ever pull this off. I would have to find out when Jen and Brooke had rehearsals and I would have to pray that they’d be out longer than an hour. JC and I needed time to process together. And honestly, I thought that was all that would happen. We’d talk, we’d reconcile, and we’d discuss how we’d raise our son. That would be all. Nothing more, nothing less.

“We’re going to be gone all day on Saturday,” Jen was telling me the next day at breakfast. “We’ve got a show in Tampa with a few other acts. Wanna come?”

I finished off my Corn Flakes and shook my head. “No. I’m not feeling so great and going anywhere wipes me out,” I was partly telling the truth. I was feeling just fine, but going out did make me extremely tired nowadays. Not to mention, I was huge and felt quite self-conscious about it.

“You never do anything, Addie,” Brooke chimed in, standing to take her cereal bowl to the sink. “You sit around here all the time. Aren’t you bored? Doesn’t Johnny have anyone else for you to choreograph for?”

“Like I can really move at eight months pregnant!” I snapped, and slowly stood up, feeling myself waddling into the living room.

“Leave her alone!” I heard Jen hiss to Brooke.

“Sorry,” Brooke muttered, as she walked past me on the couch and headed upstairs. I ignored her and picked up a magazine from the coffee table, aimlessly thumbing through it. Jen came in and sat next to me, her hand resting on my arm.

“She didn’t mean it,” Jen was trying to assure me but I just shrugged.

“I don’t care if she meant it or not,” I said. “I know I’m not exactly that much fun these days but it’s hard to get up and be active right now.”

“Have you heard from Lance recently?” she asked me. “Chris told me he talks about you all the time.” I felt guilty immediately. Lance and I hadn’t talked in the last few days and certainly not since I’d made contact with JC the day before. I shook my head and tried to mask the look of guilt on my face. It seemed to work because Jen just patted my shoulder and smiled reassuringly at me. “It’ll all work out like it should in the end, Addie. At least you’re not still with JC.” Those last words stung me and I feigned a smile as Jen stood up and went to get dressed upstairs. If she knew he was going to be at the house while they were in Tampa, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been forced out of the house that day whether or not I wanted to go or not.

Saturday morning, I heard the girls leave around 6:00. They would be gone until late that evening because they were performing all day at three different venues in Tampa and then were going to a press conference in downtown Orlando. It was almost too perfect and I wondered if it was a setup and that they’d really be back before noon, around the time JC was getting here. I knew it was silly to think that but everything was working out a little too easily for me to see JC that day. I guess I had just assumed that something would go awry and he wouldn’t be able to come over after all.

I tried to dress and look as presentable as possible. I’d recently purchased new maternity jeans and tops and even though they weren’t exactly “cute”, they fit me comfortably and that was all that mattered. I put on make-up and pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail. I wanted to look nice for him. Not sexy or cute, but just nice. And getting out of the sweats I’d been living in recently had felt good. Just as I was putting the last bit of lip gloss on, the doorbell rang. My heart jumped and I suddenly was nervous. What was I doing? I was going to be alone with the man who had done me more harm than good? And why? Did I really need to reconcile? I buried all of those thoughts and walked to the front door as calmly as I could. I opened it and he stood there on the other side looking gaunt and tired but somehow still maintaining his handsomeness that had attracted me to him in the first place.

“Wow, Addie,” were his first words to me. “You’re so pregnant.”

“Eight months,” I answered, my voice quavering. I swallowed nervously and opened the door for him. “Come on in.”

“Where are your roommates?” he asked, as I closed the door.

“Tampa all day doing shows,” I replied. JC regarded me before opening his arms for a hug. I obliged and couldn’t believe how comforting and familiar it was. Suddenly all of the negative things I’d thought about this encounter with him were gone and I felt like he was the man I met almost a year ago. The abuse and the rape and all that he’d put me through somehow were not at the forefront of my mind anymore and I began to relax.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered into my ear. I shivered inside and felt every fiber inside of me turn on. He could easily seduce me and I knew it.

“Me, too,” I looked up at him and frowned. His eyes were sunken and dark. His cheekbones were quite apparent. “Are you okay?”

“I haven’t been eating like I should,” JC admitted and let me go. He followed me into the living room. “We’re so busy and I’ve probably done more stuff than I needed to do. Just haven’t found the time.”

“Do you want something? I can get you-“ I started to get up from the couch, but JC pulled me back down.

“Later,” he said, his voice soft. “We have a lot of catching up to do.”

I just looked at him and wondered if I should say anything else. He moved closer to me on the couch and moved a strand of loose hair behind my ear, his thumb gently stroking my cheek. “Addie, I’m so sorry. I know that what I did to you was wrong. I’ve been getting help and I want us to start over. We’re having a baby together for god’s sake. Doesn’t it deserve two parents that are together?”

“He,” I told him. “He deserves it.”

“We’re having a boy?!” JC’s eyes widened and he chuckled softly.

“Yeah,” I nodded and smiled at him. “We’re having a boy.”

JC bent down and kissed my stomach, rubbing it softly with his hand. “Hi, baby boy,” he whispered. My hand rested on the top of his head and I began to play with his hair, not even realizing it. It just felt so natural like this. He looked up at me and our eyes locked. His kisses resumed, only this time they were trailing from my stomach up to my lips. I was resistant at first, but JC was persuasive and soon we were making out on the couch. It hadn’t been at all what I had intended to happen. I honestly thought we’d just talk and reconcile and I’d talk to Johnny the next day about dropping the restraining order.

“I missed this,” JC said between kisses. His hands were roaming underneath my shirt and I didn’t stop him. “Nobody’s coming home any time soon?”

“Mm-m,” I mumbled, sliding beneath him and letting him take control.

“So we can stay on this couch?” he was unbuckling the belt on his jeans and I wasn’t stopping him.

“Yeah,” I ran my hands up down his chest, blocking out anything that was going to make me want to stop. For instance, the last time we’d done this I had ended up in the hospital. But he was different. We were different. It was going to be okay. You’ll tell yourself anything when you’re in denial. Or when you just really want to have sex, which apparently I did.

The rest of the day we didn’t do much talking. We ate lunch together and then went upstairs to my room. JC locked the door just in case Brooke or Jen were earlier than expected. We had the entire house to ourselves and took advantage of it. After a few romps in my bed, I was exhausted and JC let me sleep for a bit before we resumed. It wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made and I know that now. Reuniting with him only proved that I was still putty in his hands and no amount of restraining orders could convince me otherwise. Finally, we got out of bed and he left to go and get us a pizza for dinner. I was spent and exhausted and knew that Jen and Brooke were going to kill me once they found out he was back in my life.

After dinner, I fell asleep on him while we watched a movie on HBO. He woke me up around 8:00 and walked back upstairs with me. He tried seducing me once more but I was too drained. Instead, he crawled into bed with me and we fell asleep. I didn’t think about the fact that my roommates would be home any minute and JC’s car was parked on display in the driveway. I woke up when I heard Brooke calling for me and running up the stairs.

“Shit!” I shot up and looked at JC who was still asleep. “JC, wake up! Jen and Brooke are home and-“

The door was thrown open because we’d forgotten to lock it last time and Brooke stood on the other side, gasping when she saw me naked in bed with JC blearily waking up next to me.

“What the fuck is going on?!” she stormed in and I quickly pulled the covers up tightly around me. “Addie, are you fucking kidding me with this?!” She pointed to JC, who was slowly sitting up in bed.

“He-I mean, I – “I couldn’t get any words out fast enough.

“Is he here?” Jen ran into the room next and covered her mouth when she saw the scene in front of her. “Addie, why? What were you thinking? Do you know how much trouble you could get in if anyone finds out about this? You have a restraining order on him!”

“Well, looks like she dropped it, doesn’t it?!” JC snapped at Jen. “Get up, Addie. You’re coming to my house.”

“JC-“ I started to say but Brooke cut me off.

“Go,” she walked back over to Jen. “You’re not going to stay here if you’re going to get back with that douche bag.”

“But, he-“ I had started to tell them that he’d changed but I already knew they weren’t going to listen or hear that.

“Let’s go,” JC pulled his jeans on again and began to take clothes out of my closet. “You’re staying with me now.”

“How the hell did you even get here?!” Jen wanted to know. “You know you’re not supposed to be within 100 feet of her! Do you think, JC?!”

“I sure as hell do think, Jen. I think about the fact that I’m this kid’s dad and whatever shit we went through, it’s over. So we’ll take care of everything tomorrow and I’ll call Johnny myself and tell him I’m not finishing out the tour because my girlfriend is a month away from having our baby!” he was yelling at her and I was caught in the middle. I didn’t say anything, only gathered my clothes and walked past Jen and Brooke.

“Addie, think about what you’re doing!” Brooke called after me, running down the stairs as JC and I headed towards the front door. “You know he’s only going to keep doing the same shit!”

“Shut up, Brooke!” JC turned and glared at her. “She’s a grown woman. She can make her own decision.”

“Is this what you want, Addie? Do you want to go with him?” Jen asked me, her tone soft and concerned.

I slowly nodded, not knowing if it was true or not. He’d made love to me that day like never before. Slow and deliberate and not rough like he used to be. He was sweet and caring and like he’d been for the first few weeks we’d been together.

“Fine. We’re done helping you,” Jen turned around and I started after her.

“Good luck,” Brooke shook her head and followed Jen.

I wanted to say something, but JC tugged at my arm and I trailed after him. I wanted to believe this was going to be different. I wanted so much for my baby to have a normal upbringing and I would do anything to make it happen. I know it was dumb of me, but like I said, I wanted someone to take care of me and I was desperate enough to go crawling back to the one person who’d hurt me more than I’d ever been hurt in my life.

June 2001

Peace.

Contentment.

Silence.

I looked down at the little masterpiece asleep in my arms. Ryden had been born a day before his due date. He’d not given me any problems during labor, except that he was almost too ready to come out. JC and I barely made it to the hospital before he came out. He took to nursing readily and the nurse praised him because of it. She told me that a lot of new mothers had a hard time getting their babies to take to nursing, but Ryden had it down right away. I fell in love with him immediately and when the nurse had come to take him back to the nursery, I missed him for the hours he was away. Granted, I was grateful to have that time to sleep, but I couldn’t wait to wake up and hold him again.

Through it all, JC hadn’t left my side. He’d been the perfect boyfriend, the perfect father, and watching him with our son had made me forget that a few months ago, I had ordered him to stay away. Jen and Brooke were still skeptical, though when they’d come to visit me in the hospital, I could tell they were surprised at how doting he was being towards Ryden and me. He would cuddle with us in the hospital bed and sing Ryden to sleep while I nursed. It was bliss and I couldn’t wait to get home and start our new life together.

The day we left, hundreds of paparazzi flooded the entrance to the hospital. JC had kept guard by the window and his bodyguards were downstairs at the back entrance. A hired car awaited us and would take us home, where, we’d already been informed, there were at least 50 paparazzo waiting for us. Ryden Chasez was a popular baby. His father was one of the lead singer’s in the most popular boy band in the world and everyone wanted a glimpse of him. I didn’t want anyone to see him. He was mine. Mine and JC’s and he didn’t belong to those nasty cameras that would be aimed at him for the better part of his life. I’d gotten used to it but I sure wasn’t going to let my son become their next victim.

“We’ve got the car ready,” Mike, JC’s bodyguard said, poking his head around the door of the hospital room. I was sitting on the edge of the bed with a sleeping Ryden in my arms. JC helped me off the bed and we walked to the service elevator on the other end of the hallway. When we got off, a black SUV was there and as swiftly as he could, JC took Ryden and strapped him carefully into his car seat.

“I can run them over,” the driver said, as he approached JC’s house and saw the photographers out front.

“As tempting as that is, just let us out by the front door,” JC replied. We were both sitting in the backseat, Ryden’s car seat in between us.

“I don’t want him to wake up,” I told JC, knowing that as soon as we got out, the yelling from the paparazzi would begin and I would turn into super bitch mom if anyone woke my sleeping son.

“It’ll be okay,” JC said, looking out the window.

Mike stood next to the door as we piled out. I heard shouts from the front of the driveway and wished that I had been able to cover Ryden’s ears. I looked down at him and he still slept peacefully as though he were in the world’s quietest room. JC unlocked the front door and we made it inside, immediately shutting and locking it back. I went to the couch with Ryden’s car seat and unbuckled him, not moving him out. He let out a small sigh and his little arm stretched up but immediately fell next to him again.

“Good boy, bubby. Ignore those stupid people outside,” I whispered to him, kissing his forehead softly.

“Do we have anything to eat? I’m starving,” JC said as he went into the kitchen.

“I can’t remember anything past two days ago,” I replied, looking down at Ryden. “Everything else is a blur.”

JC sighed and I heard him shut the refrigerator door. “I’ll go out and get some food for us. What do you want?”

“Surprise me,” I answered, stretching out on the couch and closing my eyes. If Ryden was going to sleep, so was I.

“See you in a few,” JC went out the garage door and I let myself doze off until I heard my phone ringing. It was in the diaper bag, which was on the kitchen counter. I slowly got up and walked over to the bag, searching until I found it on the side pocket. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I answered it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Addie,”

I froze. It was Lance.

“H-Hi, Lance,” I cleared my throat and tried to speak again. “How are you?”

“I guess the more important question is how are you? I hear your little man is adorable. At least that’s the report Brooke gave me,”

“He is. I’m probably biased though,”

“Nah. Any kid of yours has to be pretty great,”

“Thanks,” I felt myself blushing.

“So things are going well with you…” he trailed off and I knew what he meant. Things were going well with me and JC. I didn’t need him anymore.

“Um, yeah. I mean, yeah I think we’ve found a rhythm of sorts,”

“I hope so. I hope you’d let me know and tell me the truth if he, I mean, if things weren’t-“

“Things are fine,” I cut him off. “Really. He’s changed, Lance.”

I heard the garage door open and JC walked in. “Forgot my wallet. Can’t get too far without that,” he mused, then looked at me questioningly. “Who is that?”

I just smiled and nervously turned away from him. “Thanks for calling,”

“He just walked in didn’t he?” Lance asked, quietly.

“We’re doing just fine. I’m sure you can stop by and see him,”

“I’m sure that’s a bold faced lie, Addie,”

“Okay, well, thanks again for calling. Bye!” I hung up and took a breath before turning around.

“Who was that, Addie?” JC was stuffing his wallet in his back pocket.

“Um, it was Lance,” I winced, and waited for his reaction.

“Why’s he calling here?” JC raised his voice somewhat and I swallowed hard.

“I think he just wanted to congratulate us,” I felt my voice wobble and tried to regain confidence.

“Well, that’s all well and good but he’s the last person I want seeing our son,” JC shook his head and went to walk out of the kitchen, then turned to glance at me. “I mean it, Addie. I don’t want him here. He already fucked us over once.”

I wanted to retaliate and tell JC it wasn’t Lance that had fucked us over, but I knew better. And I also was seeing a side of JC that I had hoped was gone. But I ignored it. We had Ryden and maybe he was right that bringing Lance around would only cause more harm than good. So I just nodded and forced a smile. JC turned back and headed for the garage door. I held my breath until I heard the mechanical sound of the garage door lift open, then let it out when the car started. He wouldn’t do what he’d done before. I would just tell myself that until I really believed it was true. At that moment, I heard Ryden whimper and quickly walked back into the living room.

I deftly lifted him out of his car seat and held him against me to nurse him. He whimpered until his mouth met my breast and hungrily began to suck at it. I rested my body against the couch and watched him. I wanted us to be the perfect little family I’d always envisioned and JC’s jealousy wasn’t going to help that dream become a reality. Obviously, I know now that there is no such thing as a perfect family. All families are dysfunctional. But I wanted Ryden to grow up not knowing how awful his parents had been towards each other. I wanted him to know he was conceived in love, not in lust, when I knew the truth.

“Bubby, you are mommy’s little angel, did you know that?” I cooed at him. His blue eyes met mine and he continued to suckle close to me. He was the first thing I ever wanted to protect and shield. I didn’t want him to know pain or harm and I was determined to keep him from it, as unrealistic as I knew that it was.

By the end of Ryden’s first month, I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept through the night since bringing him home from the hospital. JC could sleep right through his wails, but my mother’s instinct kicked in as soon as I heard anything on the baby monitor. But one night, I had been extremely out of it and slept through his screaming and it had woken up JC first.

“Addie! Ryden’s screaming. Get up and go feed him!” he was pushing on my arm and only then did I hear Ryden howling and sniffling through the monitor. “God, seriously, Addie! Make it stop!”

I rolled out of bed and stumbled in the dark room, angry at JC for not even going to get him for me. Walking into the nursery, I called his name softly and when I picked him up, he immediately began to calm down, knowing that he was getting fed soon.

“Hey bubby. I’m sorry I was late. Mama’s so tired cause I’m always taking care of you,” I looked down at him and tried to smile through my tiredness. I ignored the anger building up inside of me for what JC had just done. How hard would it have been for him to get out of bed and go and get our son for me? He knew that I was beyond drained of sleep and that every night before now I’d always gotten out of bed to feed the baby. Maybe it was all spoken in the middle of sleep. Maybe he hadn’t meant it the way it had come out. Making excuse after excuse was the only way I could get myself to think that JC wasn’t going to go back to his anger and abuse. He was tired. I was tired. I was hormonal. I could easily blow things out of proportion. Hell, maybe he hadn’t even said it as harshly as I’d thought.

“You sure were grumpy in the middle of the night,” I tried to tease him about it the next morning as he sipped his coffee and I nursed Ryden at the kitchen table.

“How the hell can you sleep through that baby monitor?” he didn’t look up from the newspaper.

“You seem to do it every other night,” I countered and JC shot me a glare.

“Well, last night he was louder than usual I guess,” he muttered and went back to his paper.

I looked down at Ryden and shifted him on my shoulder to burp. I rubbed his back and soon two little burps escaped his lips. “Good boy,” I pulled him away and grinned at him. “You sure are a cute little boy. I guess it comes from having such a hot looking daddy!” I looked at JC to see if he’d heard me, but he wasn’t paying any attention. “Are you okay?” I finally ventured to ask.

“I’m just trying to enjoy some peace and quiet while I read the paper, Addie,” his voice was mechanical and he hardly looked up while he spoke.

I bit on my lower lip and stood from the kitchen table, carrying Ryden into the living room. Sitting cross-legged on the couch, I held him against me and turned on the television, purposelessly flipping through TV channel after TV channel. I had discovered in the last month that nothing was really on at 7:30 in the morning except news shows or infomercials. Finally, I landed on Nickelodeon, which was showing an animated show I’d never seen or heard of before. I looked down at Ryden, who was staring at the screen.

“You like this, Ry?” I laid down on the couch and placed Ryden on his stomach across my chest. “Here we can watch this. Maybe Daddy will get in a better mood soon.” I said the last part under my breath as to not infuriate JC. I felt as if anything would set him off and I didn’t like that familiar pit in my stomach that had returned.

JC wandered into the living room and plopped down in the recliner across from me and Ryden. He looked at the television and then at me. “What is this shit?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, not bothering to look at him. “But it’s on and it’s not news and Ryden likes it.”

“He’s five weeks old. He has no idea what the hell he likes,” JC grabbed the remote and turned the channel. Ryden, as if on cue, began to whimper, then it turned into a full-fledged scream.

“DAMMIT!” JC threw the remote on the floor and I jumped up from the couch, with Ryden still sobbing in my arms, jolted by the anger in his father’s voice. “Shut him up, Addie! Have you nursed him?”

“That’s what I was doing in the kitchen about ten minutes ago!” I snapped at him. “What is wrong with you today?!”

“All he does is cry! I can’t do anything around my own damn house without him screaming!” JC was clutching the remote and I backed away, wondering if he was about to hurl it at me.

“He’s a baby. That’s kind of what they do!” I hissed at him and kissed Ryden’s cheek, trying to soothe him. “I’ll take him upstairs.” I said, hoping it would calm JC down.

I went into the bedroom and laid down on the bed, placing Ryden on my chest and holding him securely against me. “Shh, Ry-Ry. It’s ok. Daddy’s just having a bad day, that’s all. He loves us and he’ll be fine in a little bit.” My speech was more for me than for my son. I was once again trying to convince myself that JC wasn’t reverting, that he was fine and all was well between us. I felt the tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I didn’t wipe them away. Ryden’s sobs began to disperse and he finally calmed himself down and I watched his eyes flutter as he fell asleep. I moved him off of my chest and laid him next to me, wrapping my arm around his tiny body, protecting him and feeling myself protected by him for some reason.

The door to the bedroom opened and JC stood in the doorframe. I dared myself to look at him. He wore an expression of guilt and I suddenly felt relief course through my body. He walked over to the bed and laid down next to me, Ryden between us.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and reached over to touch my arm. “I didn’t mean it.”

I simply nodded and looked down at Ryden, who was now fast asleep. “You scared me,”

“I don’t want to lose you,” he leaned over to peck my lips. “And I don’t want to lose Ryden.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I answered. I couldn’t go anywhere. I needed JC more than anything right now. And as much as he apologized for that morning and even though we made up, the familiar pit in my stomach didn’t go away for a while.

Truth be told, I was still scared of JC.

October 2001

Ryden had already been on the cover of four tabloids and somehow the media knew whenever one of us left the house with him. Of course them being camped out in JC’s front yard didn’t really help matters. Several of our friends had seen pictures of me putting Ryden in his car seat, a few of JC walking around the neighborhood with Ryden in his stroller, and plenty of both of us at the grocery store together. It was kind of ridiculous to me. Why did people care so much about our little boy? And it wasn’t even that they cared-they just wanted a glimpse of him. So, on this particular day, we had invited over Jen, Brooke, Chris, Joey, & Justin (Lance was not invited and I knew better than to even ask) and JC had agreed to do a spread for People magazine, with us both on the cover in a professional shot holding Ryden. The editor had told JC that the picture would be front page and the article would be titled “JC Chasez & Addie Parker: Being a Conventional Celebrity Family.” I had tried my best not to roll my eyes when JC told me about it. I think I knew that that day I wouldn’t get any verbal cruelty from him. He hadn’t hit me and the sex had been consensual whenever it had happened. But he sure knew how to make me feel like shit whenever he was mad at me. He never swore at Ryden, never threatened him. In fact, by all accounts, JC was a good father. Watching him with our son, I was never afraid that he’d hurt him. And he was never mean to me in public or when our friends came around. It was really only when Ryden woke JC up screaming in his crib that it was my fault. Or when he was hungry and I hadn’t been able to get to him fast enough. Or really whenever JC was mad about anything, it was my fault. I didn’t argue back. I didn’t want to go through what I’d gone through only a few months before. And as strange as it seems now, I liked what we had. Or I guess I’d just gotten used to what we had.

I had been trying to clean up as best as I could the day of the interview. Our friends were coming over an hour before the interviewer would be there so it would look more natural. The pool had been cleaned, JC’s maid had been by to clean that week, and the only thing left was to clear up a few baby items in the living room. Ryden had been asleep for a good part of the afternoon, which was a relief to me, because I could get more accomplished and even managed to sneak in a nap. I was in the kitchen showing the caterer where everything was when I heard Ryden start to wake. JC had been lying on the couch watching television and I knew better than to ask him to get the baby. Walking on eggshells had become routine.

“Addie!” JC called to me from the living room. I didn’t even respond, just apologized quickly to the caterer and dashed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Entering the nursery, I smiled down at my baby, who was on his stomach, his head raised and looking up at me with his big, blue eyes. To say that this baby belonged to JC Chasez was an understatement. He was the spitting image of his father through and through.

“Hi, bubby,” I greeted him, picking him up and cradling him against me. I knew in a few months, he’d be too squirrely to want to be cuddled and I wanted as much time with him like this as I could manage. “Did you have a good nap? I bet you are ready to eat, huh?” I looked at the clock above the crib and saw I had exactly twenty minutes before Chris and Jen and the others arrived. I sat down in the rocking chair and began to nurse him. He cooed at me, and his little hand rested next to his face as he hungrily ate.

“Are you dressed?” JC walked into the quiet room, startling Ryden, who jumped a little in my arms.

“I just need to change shirts,” I whispered, looking back down at the baby.

“How long will that take?” JC seemed exasperated and I tried not to get annoyed by it, but I knew he was getting in one of his irritable moods.

“As long as it takes,” I answered, not looking at him. “Ryden has to eat and then I can change.”

“You should’ve changed earlier,” he snapped at me and leaned against the doorframe.

“I was helping the caterer and cleaning the living room,” I could feel my heart pounding because this was exactly the kind of thing that set him off. I never could do anything right and he always had a better solution.

“Well, just don’t look like shit. This is a big deal, this magazine cover,” he informed me, and I finally looked at him and allowed myself to be exasperated.

“I realize that. But I had a lot to do this morning and I can’t help it that Ryden has to be fed right now. And since when do I ever look like shit when it comes to you getting publicity, honey?” I knew the last part was dripping with sarcasm but I was feeling just as tested as he was.

“Don’t start, baby,” he barked, and turned to leave the room, closing the door firmly behind him. This again caused Ryden to jump in my arms and I groaned, trying to soothe him.

“It’s okay, bubby. Mommy’s got you,” I knew better than to add that his daddy was a jerk and needed to chill out because there were baby monitors throughout the house and JC was liable to pick up any of the conversation. I finished nursing and changed Ryden into something that I knew would look good on a magazine cover. Walking into the bedroom, I laid him on the floor and went into the massive closet I now shared with JC.

“Wear something sexy,” his voice was in my ear in a matter of seconds. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull me back against him.

“JC…” I tried to move away from him. He did this often after he snapped at me and would try to make up for it by seducing me.

“C’mon, Addie. We have time,” he reached down to pull my shirt over my head and then turned me around to face him. “Do you love me?”

“Yes,” I sighed and let him kiss me. “But I really don’t think we have time for this. I don’t want to be on the floor when everyone gets here. And Ryden’s watching.”

“He’s a baby, he doesn’t get it,” he whispered, backing me against the wall of the closet. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” His fingers began to play with the clasp on my bra until I felt it open. “You’ll look sexy in anything you wear, honey.”

“I don’t think I’m supposed to be going for ‘sexy’ in this photo shoot,” I replied, as he hooked my thigh around his waist. I gave in and smiled at him, as I always did. He was easy to give into, even when he was an ass.

“Oh my goodness, Ryden, you are getting so big!” Jen said later that afternoon, as she held him. She and Chris were sitting together on the couch and she was holding him in a standing position. Ryden gurgled something at her and grinned. “Shit, Addie, he looks just like JC when he smiles!”

I looked over at JC and he was grinning proudly at our son. “Hell yes he does. Kid’s got some good genes,” he said, and waved at Ryden.

“You’re a cute little pooter!” Chris cooed at him and JC frowned.

“That’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard,” he told Chris and Chris rolled his eyes.

“Oh whatever. It’ll be my nickname for the little bit!” Chris took him from Jen and began to blow raspberries on his cheek, which made Ryden laugh heartily.

“Are we late?” I heard Brooke ask as she and Joey came into the living room. They each had a bottle of wine with them and a wrapped gift that they handed to me. “It’s his baby gift. I know it’s a few months late, but we just got around to it.” She looked over at Chris who had Ryden on his back in his lap and was tickling him. “Chris for god’s sake, you’re going to scare him. Hi, Ry-Ry! Come see Auntie Brookie!” Brooke swiftly took Ryden out of Chris’s arms and began to squeeze him close to her. “Whatever did we do without this little darling in our lives?”

I didn’t answer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my baby or wish him away. But without him, my life would’ve certainly gone in a different direction. I couldn’t escape the fame that came with having a celebrity’s kid. If Ryden weren’t around, I could’ve easily gone into oblivion, which would’ve been fine with me.

Jen saw my perplexed expression and immediately changed the subject. “So, what are we supposed to do when People gets here?”

“Just act natural,” JC answered, as he came over and stood next to me. “We have an interview with them and then they’re going to take pictures of us as a family and then with you guys.”

“Don’t you think they’re going to think it’s odd that you have all of us over except for Lance?” Joey asked the question that everyone else had been thinking. I sunk back and refused to make eye contact with anyone.

“He’s the last person that needs to be here,” JC retorted and nearly glared at his friend. “Don’t act like that’s not true!”

“Easy,” Chris breathed and looked at me. “We all get it. Joey’s only stating a fact. That’s all.”

I felt JC’s arm move around my waist and pull me towards him. “Anyway, just act like we always get together like this and anything you can say about what a cute family we are would be great.”

I caught Brooke’s eye and she shook her head at me. It was then that I realized we weren’t fooling anyone who was close to us. Brooke had never been an idiot when it came to JC’s and my relationship. She and Jen both knew that just because we had a baby together and were living together that he was exactly the same controlling, manipulative boyfriend he’d always been.

“Cute family,” Joey repeated, and I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not. “Got it.”

“The party’s here,” Justin’s voice reverberated from the front door and I immediately saw Brooke literally sprint over to Joey. Justin walked in with Britney on his arm and smiled at everyone. “Sorry we were late. I hope we didn’t miss the interview or pictures.”

“Anything to get your ass in print,” I heard Brooke mutter under her breath.

“What did you say?” Justin snapped at her, but Joey pulled Brooke away. The only couple not causing tension was Jen and Chris, who looked amused by all that was going on in just a matter of minutes.

“There’s my little godson!” Justin walked over to Brooke and went to take Ryden out of her arms.

“He’s not your godson,” Brooke retorted, moving so that he couldn’t retrieve the baby.

“I’ll call him anything I want. I’ve known his dad a lot longer than anyone else!” Justin managed to pull Ryden out of Brooke’s embrace then looked over at me and JC. “This can’t be your kid, C. He’s way too quiet!” Justin was trying to break the ice but it was much too late. I began to wonder if having Lance here wouldn’t have been better, but of course kept my mouth shut.

At that moment, the doorbell rang and everyone began to disperse. Chris and Jen headed into the kitchen and made themselves comfortable with a plate of cheese and finger foods. Justin handed over Ryden to me and then he and Britney went outside and sat by the pool, their feet dangling in the water. Joey and Brooke followed Chris and Jen into the kitchen and sat down at the breakfast nook. I quickly made sure I looked okay and wiped off spittle from Ryden’s chin before following JC to the door.

The interview took place in the living room by a flamboyant writer named Greg Olsen, who was more than ecstatic to be asking us questions. He asked us how we fell in love, what happened in the months we were apart, what made our bond so strong, was Ryden a Daddy’s boy or a Mama’s boy, and each question JC answered with a huge exaggerated answer. I was finally asked how I was handling being with a superstar and if I missed the limelight of Three4One. I was honest in saying that all I cared about was being Ryden’s mother and was more than happy to choreograph in the future, should the opportunity ever come about again. Greg then went around the house with the photographer and took pictures of us with Ryden and then with our friends. At the end, he got me and JC on the couch, Ryden between us, and we smiled at the camera as one happy little family. The article would be the cover of next week’s magazine. Other celebrity families would be interviewed, but we were going to be the main focus.

“So, how much did you lie in that interview today?” Brooke asked bluntly, when she and Jen and I were sitting outside later that evening. The boys were upstairs in the game room shooting pool and Ryden had long gone to sleep after dinner.

“Brooke!” Jen groaned and rolled her eyes. “Leave it alone!”

“It’s fine,” I said to Jen, then turned to Brooke. “I was honest and told them that all I wanted to be was Ryden’s mother and that other stuff could come later.”

“And the abuse?” Brooke prodded, circling the rim of her wine glass with her finger. “Did that come up?”

“There’s not abuse!” I snapped and leaned back in my chair. “Things are better now!”

“I believed you for a split second,” Brooke replied. “But JC still gets that look in his eye and I know he’s about to explode.”

“Well, he didn’t explode,” I shook my head. “Did you see him explode? He’s fine!”

“He didn’t today,” Brooke continued. “But he was in rehab for, what, a month? No way he’s healed.”

“He hasn’t touched me or, or done anything I didn’t want!” I was raising my voice slightly. “He’s a good father, Brooke.”

“Just promise me you’ll let us know if he starts any shit again,” Brooke relented and touched my arm to calm me down.

“I will,” I looked away from her. I knew if I said anything else that I’d fess up to the verbal abuse. “But things are fine. He loves me and Ryden and he really is a good dad.”

At that moment, I heard Ryden began to stir through the baby monitor. “Sorry. I need to go feed him.” I excused myself and went inside, just as JC was coming out of the game room.

“He’s crying,” JC said from the top of the stairs.

“Which is why I came inside,” I answered, not looking at him. “I have the baby monitor outside with me.”

“We did good today,” he told me, as I climbed the stairs. “I think that was one of my best interviews yet.”

I could only force a tiny smile. We’d just lied to America about how “perfect” we were or so it seemed to me. No one knew that I got yelled at nine times out of ten. No one knew that JC was a manipulator and that I was his favorite victim. All they would know is that we portrayed a loving little family who had the guys of Nsync over all the time and that I was happier than ever before and living out a dream.

“Are you okay?” he asked, grabbing my arm.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Just tired. Lots of stuff going on today, you know?” I heard Ryden’s screams getting louder. “I better get to him.”

“Addie?” JC called to me, as I opened the door to the nursery. “You are happy with me, aren’t you?”

“As happy as I’ll ever be,” I replied. Because at that moment, I only assumed that this was as good as life got. Being a mom to a wonderful baby boy, but being in a relationship with someone that would constantly make me wonder if I was going to get pummeled at the end of it.

December 2001

In the last two months, I’d learned how to survive. I did what I could not to make JC upset and so far, nothing too terrible had happened. Of course there had been a few fights with him yelling at me and me ending up crying. But he always apologized and was always on his best behavior, especially whenever the other guys or Brooke or Jen were around. The abuse –though at the time I wouldn’t have called it that – was more or less just verbal. He’d still not hit me, still not forced me into having sex, and despite the fact that there were plenty of times I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, I felt like we were beginning to really find a rhythm to our life together with Ryden. I’d only seen Lance briefly in the last six months and even when JC had decided for us to host Thanksgiving, Lance had opted out. I later found out he wasn’t invited. I didn’t dare bring any of it up to JC. I knew it would only make him mad and the less I could do that, the better it was for both me and Ryden.

The guys were gearing up for their next leg of the tour after Christmas and Brooke and Jen had just gone back into the studio with Kaitlyn to record again. Their group had gotten some widespread attention and they had a huge following in Orlando, but there were a ton of other girl groups around and I’d over heard Brooke telling Jen that she was thinking of going solo if the next record didn’t take off. Johnny and I had been discussing my working with a new girl group he’d discovered. They were called Lucky and there were five girls ranging in age from 13-18. The oldest, Carmen, wasn’t much younger than me and the one time I’d met them, I secretly wished I could be 18 again. I was 20 now but I felt like I was already in my thirties. I’d seen too much and had to grow up way too fast. JC hadn’t been too fond of me choreographing for Lucky, but Johnny basically told him he didn’t really have a say. Johnny had promised he’d look out for me and help me survive and even though we were certainly living fine on JC’s salary, I knew deep down that if anything happened, I’d be out on the street with the baby. This ensured me a salary and one that I could live on if JC decided to go back to his old ways. I’m pretty sure Johnny knew that from the beginning. He hadn’t been exactly ecstatic when I’d taken JC back, but he’d told me that he was glad we were at least learning to be a family together. We’d let go of my apartment and all of my stuff had been moved in to JC’s house. I referred to it as “ours” now because more and more, it was beginning to feel like mine, too.

Ryden was my world and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything without him. He was six months now and had begun the first few stages of crawling, he was starting to eat more solid foods, and he was talking to himself a lot more in babble. JC was a good father and he loved Ryden, but there were plenty of times when Ryden would get fussy that it became my responsibility to comfort him. That was fine with me. I loved nothing more than soothing him, even when his screams would get so loud I thought I might go deaf. He looked more and more like JC – with my eyes, so Jen said – but he had the sweetest demeanor of any baby I’d ever been around. Granted, I hadn’t been around many, but most of them had whined and cried. Ryden seemed not to be bothered by little things. When he was hungry he ate, when he was tired, he slept.

“JC bought you a ring,” Brooke told me one afternoon when she’d dropped by the house. It was a few weeks before Christmas and our house was decked out due to the help of a decorator JC had hired. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I was feeding Ryden in his high chair. He had just mastered sitting up and the high chair was my new favorite thing for him. I could put him in it and go about cleaning the kitchen without having to constantly carry him or look in on him in the living room. Ryden was fussy that day and I was having a hard time feeding him his apricots. I already had several spots on my shirt because of him throwing his little hand towards me and Brooke had received a handful of them on her shoulder.

“He did? Ry, c’mon. I know you’re hungry!” I was beginning to get frustrated as Ryden let out a whimper and pushed the spoon away from his mouth. I turned back to Brooke. “How do you know?”

“He told Joey and Joey told me of course,” Brooke replied and moved her chair slightly away from the action of the baby and his food. She watched me and then spoke again. “What are you gonna say if he asks you?”

I didn’t answer right away. I wiped off Ryden’s hands and mouth, to which he let out a wail, and then lifted him out of the high chair. “I don’t know,” I was being honest. Marrying JC had never really been something that I thought would happen. Partly because I didn’t think he really wanted to get married and partly because I didn’t know if we even really loved each other.

“Good,” Brooke crossed her legs and rested her chin on her hand. “You don’t need to marry him.”

“Just because you don’t ever want to get married doesn’t mean I don’t want to,” I retorted, going over to the sink and taking off the wet bib from Ryden’s neck.

“I didn’t say you didn’t want to marry him. I’m just glad you didn’t say ‘yes’ when I asked you. I think you both need to really see what’s going to happen before you jump into a long-term commitment,” Brooke said.

“We’ve lived together since before Ryden was born,” I reminded her. “It’s not that I don’t want to marry him, it’s just that I don’t know if I’m ready. Or if he loves me.”

“Has he told you?” she asked me, sipping on her coffee.

He told me all the time, especially in bed. We weren’t really that couple that said it to each other lovingly all the time. In fact, whenever he told me he loved me, I would automatically respond that I loved him, too.

“Of course,” I carried Ryden back over to the kitchen table and sat down across from Brooke. “I just don’t know. Most girls my age are in college and doing that kind of stuff.” I sat down in the chair across from Brooke, bouncing Ryden on my lap. “Things are getting better between us.”

“I don’t believe you,” Brooke said flatly. “Thanksgiving was rough and you know it, Addie. You were constantly looking at him like he’d burst if you did something wrong. I know he yells at you. I don’t know about the other stuff, but-“

“Baby, I’m home!” I heard the garage door open, then JC’s footsteps down the hall, and I shook my head at Brooke to tell her to quiet down. She rolled her eyes and casually changed the subject to Ryden’s apricots.

“They look like orange puke. I wouldn’t eat them,” Brooke motioned towards the left over mashed apricots.

“He usually likes them. I guess he’s just not that hungry. Are you not hungry, bubby?” I stood him on my lap and he reached out to grab my chin. I kissed his fingers that were splayed on my lips and he giggled at me.

“Hi,” JC walked into the kitchen and threw the keys on the counter, then came over to me and Ryden and Brooke. He glanced at Brooke, said a casual hello, then leaned over to peck my cheek. “Hi, bubby boy. Are you being good for mama?” He took the baby from me. “So, looks like we’re all going on vacation in a few weeks.”  He looked at me and then at Brooke and back to me.

“Vacation?” I asked him. “Where? And who’s ‘we’?”

“Johnny wants all the guys to go up to some remote cabin he’s got in North Carolina before the tour starts. All significant others are invited. So I’m assuming, Brooke, that means you and Jen will be going with us,” JC walked over to the refrigerator with Ryden and pulled a beer out of the side door. “We leave the day after Christmas.”

“You don’t sound too excited,” Brooke put in. “Something the matter with this? It sounds pretty great.”

I knew exactly what the matter was. Lance would be going and JC had made it a point to keep Lance as far away from me as possible. This time, he couldn’t do it because it was a mandatory vacation or so it sounded like. I said nothing, only began to clean up from Ryden’s lunch.

“There’s just some shit that’s better left unsaid,” JC muttered, and I could feel him eyeing me. I ignored it and pretended to be engrossed with cleaning mashed apricots off the kitchen table. I heard Ryden cooing softly and continued what I was doing.

“Huh. Well, whatever. I think it sounds like a great idea,” Brooke stood to leave and began to grab her purse. “Addie, I need to get going. We have a meeting with Johnny later today about the new album.” She reached over to hug me and I wished she wasn’t leaving. I could already sense JC’s bad mood and knew it would be taken out on me once she left. I was already devising a plan to escape the kitchen and find something to keep me occupied once she was gone.

“I’m glad you came over,” I squeezed her and let go. She looked over at JC and Ryden. “ ‘Bye Ry! Be good for your mom and dad. Bye JC.” Brooke gave him a short wave. She would never be fond of him and he would never be fond of her. I walked her to the front door and waved to her once more before closing it and turning to head upstairs. I had already planned on cleaning out Ryden’s old onesies he’d outgrown. Anything not to have to bring up the conversation about the house in North Carolina.

“So,” I heard JC’s voice the minute my foot touched the first step. I sighed and turned to face him. Ryden was fixated on the necklace JC was wearing and was busy tugging at it. “You realize what this little trip means, don’t you?”

I nodded my head and didn’t say anything. He would do all the talking. Anything I said wouldn’t matter.

“You just make sure you don’t do any sneaking off this time,” he snapped and I let out a sigh of frustration.

“JC, I’m with you. We have a baby together. I-“

“That didn’t stop you last time from being his little fuck buddy,” he argued and took a step closer to the stairs.

I swallowed hard and bit my lower lip. “It-It was different, JC. It’s you I want. I’m not going to leave you. I promise. I want to raise Ryden with you,” and that part was true. I wanted to Ryden to have a normal upbringing with both of his parents, even if it drove me crazy while I did it.

“I already told Johnny I wasn’t too happy about this little arrangement. He’s doing it so we can all reconcile or whatever. Justin and Joey are still pissed at each other over Brooke and I won’t mention the whole thing with Lance,” he began to walk up to the step where I was standing until he was one above and looking down at me. “Was he really that good, Addie? Did he really make you do what I make you do?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. Sex with Lance had been completely different than sex with JC. In those last few weeks before I’d slept with Lance, all JC wanted were quickies and he didn’t care if I wanted it or not. Lance had been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I couldn’t tell JC that. I didn’t dare tell him. I shook my head and forced a smile. “JC, baby, that was months ago. I’m with you now and it’s you I want to be with,” I reached over and touched his hand but he jerked it away.

“It just pisses me off thinking that I lost that time with you because of him,” he looked at me, bitterness written all over his face. “And now we have to go and share a house with him for a damn week.”

“It’ll be fine,” my voice was hoarse and I had to clear my throat because I’d been afraid to speak. “Really, JC, it’ll be ok.”

He said nothing, only turned with Ryden and walked ahead of me on the stairs. I watched him walk into our bedroom and shut the door behind him. Fine, if he was going to ignore me or be mad at me, then I’d let him. Not to mention, I’d been with Ryden all day and maybe he just wanted some time to himself with our baby. I went into the nursery and began to open drawers in Ryden’s dresser. I carefully began to take out a few items that he’d worn when he’d been a newborn and placed them on the dresser. In a few minutes, I’d cleaned out the first two drawers and I was working on the third when JC walked into the room with Ryden at his hip.

“Do you love me?” he asked me, catching me off guard.

“What?” I looked up at him, holding two pairs of pajamas from Ryden’s newborn days. “Why are you asking me that?” I remembered what Brooke said about the ring. I remembered the questions from earlier that day.

“Because I want to know if you love me. Really love me. Or are you just shacking up here because you know I can pay your bills?” his voice was harsh and cold.

“Of course I love you,” I told him, not really believing myself or knowing if it was true or not. “I’m not here for your bill paying or whatever. I’m here because I want to be and I thought you wanted me here, too!” I was beginning to wonder if he had decided he didn’t love me and was ready for me to go. Or if this was just his way of proposing? Either way, I didn’t like it but I didn’t retaliate.

JC walked over to the crib and placed Ryden in it. The baby immediately wanted out and began to whimper and soon it turned into a full-fledged cry. I stood up and JC grabbed my arm and yanked me towards him. “Don’t fuck with me, Addie. If you love me, tell me. If you love me, don’t act like you are surprised that this little mountain trip isn’t going to be an issue!”

Ryden’s sobs got louder and I looked over at him, trying to calm him down by whispering to him but JC tugged at my arm again. “Ow!” I cried out, but JC didn’t release his grip. “JC, please, you know I love you! And I promise this whole trip will be fine because I’m gonna be with you and Ryden the whole time!”

He let go of my arm and I looked at the finger marks left across it. We faced each other for a minute and I didn’t know what to expect. He hadn’t hurt me in a long time. Not since before Ryden was born. I looked again at my arm and then back at him. His face showed no signs of remorse until I began to rub my arm and move towards the crib. “Did-did I hurt you, Addie?” he asked, his tone softer.

“Yeah,” I sniffed and reached for Ryden who was screaming by now. “Hey, bubby, it’s ok. Mama’s got you. Shh. Don’t cry baby boy,” I held him close to me and looked at JC. “I don’t like you when you get like this.” It was the first time I was honest with him since moving into his house. “I’m not out for your money or whatever. And I’m not with Lance. I’m with you. And I know we slept together and we dated and all that but that’s over now. I can’t force you believe me, JC.” I went to walk out of the room and JC stopped me at the door.

“Don’t tell anyone that this happened. They’ll think I’ve gone crazy again,” he touched my cheek with his finger and traced over my jawline. “I know I get a little upset but I just want us to work out this time.”

I nodded, my arm still throbbing. He was right. If I said anything, he was sure to get taken back to rehab and they’d make me put another restraining order on him.

The next incident happened two days before Christmas. I’d been out with Ryden doing last minute grocery shopping and JC had gone to a meeting before I left that morning. His parents were coming over for Christmas dinner and even though his mother had told him she’d make the dinner, I still wanted to contribute something. I hadn’t really ever gotten to know his parents except at the hospital and the few times they’d come over to see Ryden. They were really great people and I sometimes wondered if they knew just how much I went through living with their son. I knew they were aware of the restraining order and of our past break-up but they’d said nothing to me about any of that and I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up.

When I came home from the store, I noticed an unfamiliar car in the driveway. JC hadn’t mentioned anything about having people over, at least that I could recall. I unbuckled Ryden from his car seat and skillfully grabbed the two grocery bags from the trunk. I was able to open the door to the garage and walked in, immediately hearing JC’s laugh along with a female voice. I stopped in the hallway before continuing into the kitchen.

“…so good to finally see you again,” the female voice said. “I’ll have to come back again.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure,” JC replied. I walked into the kitchen and set the groceries on the counter and then went into the living room. The female was a tall blonde, older than me, and she had her hand on JC’s shoulder in a way that sent my blood boiling.

“Hi,” I said almost icily, not caring if JC saw just how mad I was.

“Oh, Leah, this is my girlfriend, Addie. And this is Ryden,” JC walked over to me and took Ryden out of my arms. “Isn’t he handsome? Looks a lot like me so I hear.”

“He’s adorable!” Leah gasped and pinched Ryden’s cheek. I stood there and watched, suddenly feeling as though I was incredibly alone. “Joshie, he’s the spitting image of you!” She looked over at me and gave me a fake smile. “Cute baby.”

“Thanks,” I answered, shortly. I looked over at JC. “I need to change him.” I didn’t hesitate and immediately took Ryden from JC, not bothering to say anything to Leah before I headed upstairs. I could feel myself shaking as I changed Ryden’s diaper and had to take a few deep breaths to compose myself before picking him up again.

“What the hell was that?!” JC stormed into Ryden’s room just as I’d finished changing him. “Why were you such a bitch downstairs?”

“Who was that woman?” I asked him, my voice shaking. I picked Ryden up and held him close to me, daring JC to take him from me or come any closer.

“She was an old friend from when I worked at Disney!” JC raised his voice. “Who did you think she was?!”

“She was touching you and barely said anything to me!” I felt myself tearing up and tried to control my wobbly voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry. So you can fuck whoever you want when we’re together but I can’t have other women touching me? Seriously, Addie?!” JC came right in front of me. “Don’t act like a little bitch, Addie. She wasn’t doing anything. She was here to talk about her album she was working on!”

“It just looked funny to me,” I replied and turned away from him, but he had my arm in that familiar grip again. I looked at Ryden and then at him to try to give him a hint but he didn’t care.

“Funny? Let’s talk funny, baby. You and me are spending a week with the man who essentially broke us up and you were fucking long before that happened!” he was yelling now and Ryden broke into sobs.

“Stop it!” I finally stood up to him. I finally yelled back at him. And it only made it worse. Ryden screamed from the shouting. I managed to push past JC and tried to make it to our bedroom. I knew he was furious.

“No!” JC beat me to the bedroom door and shut it before I could get there. He towered over me and grabbed Ryden from me. His hand came across my cheek so hard that it knocked the wind out of me. I fell back onto the floor and didn’t move. Not because I couldn’t, but because I was afraid to. The one thing I had dreaded and had most prayed wouldn’t happen, happened. I broke into sobs and pulled my knees up to my chest.

“Why do you do that?” I heard myself asking through sobs. “You want me to stay here with you. You want me to love you. And all this time I’ve been terrified that you’d do exactly what you just did.” I could feel him standing above me but I didn’t look up. I wanted to console my son, who was still wailing. I wanted to take it all back and maybe just pretend that I wasn’t upset about seeing him with another woman downstairs. “You cheated on me, too, JC. I know you did. So maybe we are both to blame. I am not going to run to Lance next week. I just want it to be okay again.”

He slid down onto the floor and sat across from me. My head was bowed on my knees and I couldn’t see him, but I heard him soothing Ryden and soon the baby’s cries ceased and turned into hiccups. I looked up and wiped the tears from my eyes, touching my cheek where he’d hit me.

“Addie,” he reached for me but I recoiled. “Baby, c’mon. I didn’t mean it. I-I just got mad that you thought I was cheating on you.”

I was silent and stared into the distance, not looking at him.

“Talk to me,” he whispered, reaching over and touching my knee. “Please, Addie. You know I don’t mean it when I get like that.”

I sniffed and wiped away a tear, still not looking at him. My cheek was stinging and I knew there would be a handprint mark for the rest of the day. I finally willed myself to look at him, but I still said nothing. He knew what was at stake if I said anything and I knew that that was what he was worried about. “I know,” I lied, and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my shirt.

“You’re not going to –“ he started but I cut him off.

“No, I’m not going to say a word,” I mumbled and stood up, leaving him in the hallway with Ryden. 

The cabin that I had imagined and the actual cabin we were staying in – if you could even call it a cabin – were completely different. When I had heard we were staying in a cabin, I pictured something that looked like your typical log cabin. What we were staying in was basically a chalet mansion that overlooked the Smoky Mountains in a remote area of North Carolina. The only thing cabin-like about it was the décor, which was rustic with lots of browns and cranberry colored furniture and adornments. There were eight bedrooms and five bathrooms, a Jacuzzi on the back porch, and a view that went on for miles of the mountains outside every window. The main living room took up most of the first part of the first floor and had comfortable couches, a large screen TV, and was as cozy as it could be for as large as it was.

JC and I were staying in the Master bedroom because everyone had agreed that we took up the most space with a baby. JC made sure that we were as far away as possible from Lance and his new girlfriend, Melissa. I knew that the reason for this trip was for reconciliation, but so far, JC wasn’t doing anything to hint around that he was going to let it happen. Joey and Justin on the other hand had been cordial to one another and I’d heard them talking about going on a run together the first day we had settled into the cabin. I didn’t dare mention that to JC. He’d been on edge ever since he’d hit me a few weeks prior to the trip. And since that day, I’d gone into a shell of myself and not said much to him or anyone. I did what I could to bring about peace, but I couldn’t fix the situation that way. The only way to fix anything was to leave him altogether and I knew I couldn’t do that.

I woke up our second morning there upon hearing Ryden babbling in his pop up crib, which we’d put in the walk-in closet. He liked to talk to himself now when he woke up and would coo and laugh until one of us – usually me – went to get him. Normally, he’d let me sleep til about 7:00, but on that particular day, he woke up at 6:00. It was still dark outside and the sun had yet to even peek behind the mountains. I looked over at JC who was sound asleep and not budging. The night before I’d stayed up late with him and Justin to watch a movie and we hadn’t gotten to bed until well after midnight. It was a decision I was regretting now that I was being awakened by my six-month-old. I swung my legs over the bed and got up slowly, a part of me hoping Ryden would let himself go back to sleep. I knew him too well, though, and knew that he was going to be awake for another hour or at least until he was fed.

“You should be sleeping, bubby,” I whispered to him, as I lifted him out of his crib.

He grinned at me and giggled. He was the happiest baby in the morning, if not all the time. I took him back to the bed and started to nurse him. I could feel my eyes growing heavy as the baby ate and it was all I could do to stay awake. I kept checking to see if his eyes were closing at all, but they remained opened and glued to me. When he was finished, I burped him and then went to take him back to his crib. He could at least play with a few toys that were in there with him.

I’d just made it back to the bed when he let out a loud sob that immediately woke JC up. He rolled over quickly and looked at me glaringly. “Why the hell is he up so early? Go feed him,” he muttered and turned over again.

“I just did!” I snapped, not caring how I sounded. I huffed as I got up once more and went back into the walk-in closet. Ryden was pulling himself up and looking at me helplessly. “Come on, Ryden. Let’s go downstairs.” I made sure to shut the door loudly enough for JC to hear it. I was sure I’d pay for that later, but at that moment, I hadn’t cared. I was just as tired as JC was and now I had to leave the comforts of a warm bed so that our baby didn’t disturb him.

Everything downstairs was silent. Nobody else was awake at that ungodly hour. I sat on the couch, holding Ryden against me and hoping he’d fall asleep again. He was squirming in my arms and out of fear that he might scream and wake up everyone else, I put him on the floor and let him crawl around for a little while. I leaned back against the sofa and tried my best not to let my eyes close. I had a sinking feeling that I’d be up for a few hours before Ryden decided he was tired again. He crawled towards me and put his hands up to me.

“Now you want Mama to hold you?” I reached down to pick him up and he cooed at me. “Why can’t you fall asleep again, huh?” Ryden was more interested in trying to balance himself standing on my lap than anything else. Then he began to bounce up and down and giggled loudly. “Shh, if you wake daddy up you and I are both in for it,” I whispered, looking up to double -check the distance from the stairs to our bedroom. Once more I tried to coerce him into cuddling with me. He fought me at first but then relented and reached up to pull on a strand of my hair. I watched his eyes flutter once or twice, then he stared off into space for a few minutes.

“Hey,”

My heart skipped and I looked over to see Lance standing at the bottom of the stairs. He was in long pajama pants and a white undershirt. He walked over to me and Ryden and upon hearing Lance’s footsteps, Ryden lifted his head from the crook of my arm and looked at Lance.

“He’s beautiful, Addie,” Lance said, as he sat down in the armchair across from me.

“Thanks,” I smiled and looked back down at Ryden who was sucking on his fist and staring at Lance. “I’m trying to get him to go back to sleep again. What are you doing awake?”

Lance shrugged. “Melissa takes up most of the bed. I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d come downstairs and see what was on television,”

I shifted on the couch with the baby. “I’m hoping he’ll fall asleep soon so I can take him back upstairs,”

“I can wait to turn on the television,” Lance replied. He watched me kiss Ryden’s cheek and cradle him close to me. “How have you been? How is…everything?” I knew what he meant but I wasn’t going to give him too much information.

“We’re great,” I forced a smile, thinking about how JC had pushed me out of bed a few minutes ago. “Just adjusting to life with a baby.”

Lance nodded and eyed me almost suspiciously. “You’re really okay, Addie? You and JC are –“

“Me and JC are doing fine,” I cut him off. “He’s a great father.”

“You know if anything ever, I mean, if he…I’m here for you is all I’m trying to say,” Lance told me, as he leaned closer to the couch.

“I know,” I said. “But things are fine. Really.” Ryden was nearly asleep in my arms. He gave a few small grunts and let out a little sigh as he drifted off to sleep. I slowly stood up from the couch. That was when I noticed the baby monitor still left in its place by the couch from the night before when we’d been watching a movie. I knew if JC had heard my conversation with Lance, he would be livid. I could only hope and pray that the was still asleep when I got back to our room. “I’m going to take him back to bed. It was good to talk to you, Lance.” I quickly made my way to the stairs.

“Yeah, you too,” he whispered. I could feel his eyes on me as I started up the stairs to the second floor.

Opening the door, I saw JC still asleep on his stomach and let out a sigh of relief. Surely if he’d heard me, he would’ve met me at the door and let me have it. I placed Ryden in his crib and made sure he was fast asleep before crawling into bed again. I lied on my side, my body away from JC and closed my eyes.

“I heard you. On the baby monitor. I heard you talking to Lance,” JC’s voice whispered into my ear and I jolted myself up and turned hurriedly towards him.

“JC, it wasn’t anything. He, he came downstairs and I was there with Ryden,” I knew protesting wasn’t going to do any good. JC roughly cupped my face in his hands.

“You could’ve left, Addie. Or told him to leave,” he forced me to look into his eyes and all I saw was a glaring anger in him ready to explode.

And this week was to have been about reconciliation.

Normally, I let him hit me. I let him do what he needed to do to get his anger out. But instead, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed his mouth hard. “No, JC. Don’t get upset. You know it’s always gonna be you. You know that. I don’t love Lance. I love you,” I kissed his cheek, his neck, his forehead, and straddled him, hoping he would return my affection..or whatever it was that I was trying to do to him.

“Whoa,” he was taken by surprise at my actions and I knew he would be. I was being aggressive and he liked it because he started kissing me back. I felt the stubble from his cheek scrape against me. He soon became aroused and instead of throwing me down so that he was on top, he let me continue straddling him and watched me take control. “What’s gotten into you?” he groaned, as I nipped at his neck. I had to admit, even I was getting turned on and I liked it. I was also somewhat proud of the fact that I had caused a diversion so quickly and instead of being slapped and hit, I was showing him that I was all about him.

“You. I want you to get into me,” I locked eyes with him and he chuckled at my pun. “All into me, Jace.” I kissed him hard on the mouth once more and bit down on his lower lip.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” he settled me in between his legs and watched as I came down on him.

“I want you to know how much I love you,” I told him, moving with him. I placed my hands on his shoulders to balance myself and looked down at him. His face was a mixture of confusion and pleasure all rolled into one. “I don’t want anyone…anyone but you. I never loved Lance, Jace. It was always you.”

“Holy….” he couldn’t finish his sentence because he was already at the cusp of his orgasm. I moved with him faster and harder and said his name over and over again. “Addie…damn.” He fell back against the sheets and held my thighs, watching me as I let go and clung to him as I did. I didn’t move, just laid there on top of him, breathing heavily and kissing him sloppily on his collarbone. Finally, I moved away and looked over at him.

“Don’t doubt me, okay?” I told him, reaching over to stroke his cheek gently. “You don’t have to hurt me because I’m not going to leave you.”

“I wasn’t going to –“ he started but I shook my head.

“Yes, you were. I knew it the minute I saw your face, JC. We have Ryden to think about. It’s not just about me and you anymore,” I watched his expression go from uncertainty to what I took to be an understanding. “This week is about all of us resolving everything. So can you resolve whatever it is you have with Lance? Please?”

“No,” he said softly and moved closer to me, rubbing my arm. “But I will try, okay? I just don’t want to lose you.”

“Getting angry at me isn’t how you keep me around,” I told him, honestly.

He was quiet, pulling me into his arms and holding me tight. I could hear his heart beating against my ear and lips rested against my forehead. He was quiet and soon I felt his grip loosen and his breathing becoming steady. He was asleep. I let out a sigh of relief and closed my eyes as well, hoping that everything was going to be okay from now on.

Later on in the day, I felt like things were finally peaceful again. Joey, Justin, and JC had gone into town to grocery shop and were going to make everyone hamburgers that evening. Jen, Brooke, and I spent most of the day in our pajamas passing Ryden around and catching up on gossip with each other. Melissa later joined us but it was a little awkward, especially knowing that she knew I was Lance’s ex. Lance and Chris had been in and out most of the day either sleeping or playing something on PlayStation. I was feeling much more at ease with everything. That is until Lance had pulled me aside before dinner that evening.

“I heard you on the baby monitor,” he told me, his eyes boring holes into mine. “I know I should’ve turned it off and I don’t want you to think I’m a pervert, but I heard you when you told JC you never loved me. And as much as that hurt, what hurts even more is that you basically seduced him so he wouldn’t hit you. Is that how you’re going to live out the rest of your life? Ducking every time he hits? You can’t run from it. That’s all I’m going to say. He is going to hurt you one day and it might be too late. As much as it hurt me to hear what you said, I’m more worried that you’re not going to listen and it’s going to hurt you and Ryden in the end,” he watched and waited for me to say something. “I don’t believe you love him. I don’t think you know what you need or want. I think you want a father for Ryden and stability. Just remember what he did to you, Addie. Remember you ended up in the hospital twice. Remember that he didn’t want Ryden at first. And remember who it was that took care of you then.”

“Lance – “ I started to say.

“Addie! Come in here,” JC was calling me from the kitchen.

“Go on,” Lance prodded me. “We can talk later.”

I walked into the kitchen and JC was holding Ryden on his hip. “Hey, where’d you go? I want everyone to hear this.”

“I was –“

“Guys shut up for a minute. I have something to say to Addie and I want y’all to hear!” JC called out. Brooke and Jen eyed me but I shrugged at them and looked back at JC. I looked around the room. Jen was standing next to Brooke and their boyfriends were on either side. Lance came in from the hallway and joined Melissa. Justin folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall of the kitchen. Everyone was waiting for JC to continue.

“I know me and Addie have been through a lot and unfortunately, you’ve all seen that,” he started. “But tonight, I want to show you all just how much I love Addie Parker.” I suddenly remembered the ring that Brooke had mentioned. I glanced over at her and she mouthed to me, “The ring!” I just nodded and looked back at JC. He got down on one knee, his arm was around Ryden and he was balancing the baby on his leg. Reaching behind him, he pulled out a ring box and I knew then what was going to happen. He looked up at me and the ring box popped open and in it was the biggest diamond I’d ever laid eyes on. “Addie, you know how much you mean to me. You put up with so much and I couldn’t do this parenting thing without you. So, baby, will you marry me?”

I was speechless. I knew Jen and Brooke were boring holes into me but I couldn’t turn my head because I felt frozen. My mouth was dry. I knew I had to say yes. He had asked me in front of everyone and even though they knew all he’d put me through, they knew I had to say yes as well.

“Yes,” I replied, softly. “Yes, JC, I’ll marry you.”

Because I had no other choice. Because earlier that morning I’d somehow managed to talk him out of hurting me. Because we had a baby together.

Because …. Because I just didn’t feel like I deserved any better and when you’ve been through what I went through with someone like JC Chasez, saying ‘yes’ to a marriage proposal in front of all of your friends was the safest way to keep him calm.

February 2002

Bliss lasted the rest of the month. In fact, by the middle of January, I was feeling more or less like a normal couple. JC hadn’t lost his temper with me in weeks and even Brooke and Jen had noticed a significant difference whenever they were around us. He was happy and attentive to both me and Ryden and he made me laugh a lot. I spent three days a week choreographing for Lucky, the band that Johnny had hooked me up with. JC was in and out of rehearsals for the next leg of their tour, which took place in March and Jen and Brooke were promoting their new album with Kaitlyn. I was beginning to adjust to this new life and rather liked the busyness I was experiencing. Ryden came with me to rehearsals and the girls in Lucky oohed and aahed over him, always telling me how they envied me being engaged to JC Chasez and having his baby. I guess I was to be envied. Months before, I wouldn’t have felt that way, but for some reason, he was different and I just assumed it was because we were engaged and were finally learning how to live with one another.

I wish it had been that simple.

“Okay, girls, it looks really good!” I told the three members of Lucky, on our next to last day of choreography. “You guys are doing awesome. We’ll go through it again on Saturday.” I looked at my watch and saw that it was nearing 6:00 and I wanted to get home to start dinner. In the last month or so, I’d started cooking a lot more. Brooke had teased me and said that I was becoming a “little wifey” but I didn’t care. I enjoyed cooking for JC and slipping into the new role of being a fiancé.

“Thanks, Addie!” Sydnee, the youngest member of the group, called to me as I put Ryden in his car seat and began to walk out. “See you later! Tell JC hi for me!” Sydnee was a huge Nsync fan and Johnny had them on the roster to open up for them later in the tour.

I waved to them again and left, feeling excited about getting home to JC. I’d already decided to try out a new salmon recipe that I’d found and had gone shopping earlier in the week to get the ingredients. I’d planned on going home, talking with JC, getting Ryden fed, and starting dinner. Maybe watching a movie afterwards and snuggling on the couch with my fiancé. I was happier than I’d been in a long time and even the traffic on the way home didn’t bother me. By the time I pulled into the neighborhood I was giddy with excitement. Things were finally the way I’d wanted and hoped for so long.

And then I saw the car in the driveway. Leah’s car. And my heart sank.

It was nothing. I kept trying to tell myself that as I got Ryden out of the car. She was an old friend. And I wasn’t going to bring it up to him because even though he hadn’t lost his temper with me in a while, I still wasn’t going to risk it. I’d be cordial. I’d be nice to her. I walked into the kitchen and didn’t hear anything. It was almost too quiet but I didn’t give into suspicion just yet.

“Daadaa,” Ryden cooed.

“I know, I’d like to know where he is too, Ry,” I kissed his cheek and put my bag down in the hallway by the kitchen. My stomach felt twisted inside. I looked out back and it was empty. Going back to the garage, I double- checked to see that both of JC’s cars were still intact. So maybe they’d gone somewhere with Justin? He’d also been a friend of Leah’s from back in the Disney days. I couldn’t shake the feeling in my stomach and headed up the stairs. My heart beat faster as I approached our bedroom. He wouldn’t do this to me. He wouldn’t.

“Shit!” JC jumped out of bed when I opened the door. Leah had been beneath him. They were right in the middle of sex.

I stood there in shock. I didn’t know what to do first. Ryden gleefully called out to JC but I turned and left before he could call for him again. Tears welled up in my eyes and I was sobbing before they came down my cheeks. I ran to Ryden’s room and shut the door, locking it behind me and sliding down onto the floor, Ryden still in my arms.

“Daadaa!” Ryden kept calling and began to get fussy, struggling to get out of my arms. He crawled onto the floor and over to his toy box, immediately pulling out one of his plush animals. I barely noticed anything. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t even think. I heard commotion out in the hallway. Leah was yelling at JC and JC kept telling her to “get out” and “shut the fuck up.” My heart raced and I sucked in breath after breath trying to control my breathing.

“Addie!” I heard him shouting for me, but I didn’t answer back. I moved away from the door and over to Ryden, who was rolling on the floor with a toy in his arms. JC began to beat on the door and Ryden sat up and crawled over towards it.

“Daadaa!” Ryden giggled and pressed his hand on the door.

“Open the door, Addie. Please. I can explain!” JC called, pounding on the door.

Ryden looked at the door and then at me. He pulled himself up to a standing position and balanced himself with both hands on the door. He was knocked over in seconds by how hard JC was knocking with his fist. His face twisted into what I knew would soon be a loud wail and sure enough, he began to cry. I stood and went over to him, picking him up and soothing him quietly.

“Addie! Addie!” JC was almost screaming but I didn’t answer. Ryden’s cries didn’t cease and soon it was as though father and son were having a competition to see who could be louder. My head began to throb and I finally gave up and went to the door, unlocking it. JC stood on the other side, out of breath. Ryden, upon seeing his father, reached for him and JC took him, still not taking his eyes off of me. I didn’t say anything. The sobs escaping my lips said enough. For a minute, we just stood there looking at each other, while Ryden busied himself by tugging on JC’s hair, his nose, and his ear.

“Addie, please, listen to me,” he reached for me with his free arm that wasn’t holding onto our son. “Baby, it meant nothing. She meant nothing.”

I pushed past him and walked to our bedroom. I had no idea what I was going to do next. I felt him behind me but I said nothing. I didn’t want to go near our bed because it had been tainted with his sex with that slut. I just looked at it, the mess of covers, and looked back at him.

“How long have you been doing this?” I finally spoke, my voice was hoarse.

“It was just this one time, baby. I swear,” JC was standing next to me, but I couldn’t look at him.

“I don’t believe you,” I knew when I said it that it would set him off. But I didn’t care anymore. All of it had been a lie. It had taken this long for me to realize it.

“You’re one to talk, Addie,” he said through gritted teeth. “If I recall, you slept with Lance first-“

“Shut up!” I heard myself scream. “I am so sick of you bringing it up! Yeah, I slept with Lance. You know why? I slept with him because I had become nothing but a fuck buddy to you. You didn’t care about me, JC. You were abusing me and you know it! And then you raped me. You raped me twice and I was stupid enough to leave Lance and come back to you!” Tears began to fall down my cheeks again and I had no idea where they were coming from because I had thought I’d been all cried out from minutes before.

“You’ve got some nerve speaking to me that way, you little bitch,” his hand came flying across my face and I looked at him in shock. He’d just hit me while holding our baby. I didn’t flinch. I stood there, my face stinging and salty tears rushing over the spot where he’d slapped me.
“I’m done,” I whispered and turned away from him, heading to our closet. In a matter of seconds, he’d put Ryden on the floor, grabbed me from behind and shoved me up against the wall.

“No, you’re not!” he yelled at me, shaking me so much that my head beat against the wall. “You are not leaving me!”

I felt dizzy. My head was pounding and I wanted to lie down all of the sudden. I forgot how excited I’d been about coming home earlier. It was over now. We weren’t going to be the perfect couple or the couple who survived. I closed my eyes and felt myself sinking to the floor.

“Addie? JC?”

I heard Jen’s voice and opened my eyes. I was in a slumped position against the wall. JC was sitting on the edge of the bed watching me. Ryden had fallen asleep on the floor next to him. It was dark outside. That’s when I realized I had passed out.

“Are you guys home?”

It was Chris.

I wanted to move but my head hurt so much that I just looked at JC, who stood from the bed and walked out of the room.

“Jen,” I whispered, trying to move and crawl to the door.

“Hey guys,” I heard JC greet them. “Addie’s not feeling well. I’ve been sitting with her most of the night.”

“Jen!” I pulled myself up by the door and called to her again, my voice sounding somewhere between a whisper and as though I had a frog in my throat.

“Addie?”

Between the door and the slits in the banister along the hallway, I could see Jen and Chris standing in the living room. JC wasn’t far from me and turned to see me clutching the doorframe.

“Jen, he slept with Leah,” I heard myself saying.

“Addie, shut up!” JC hissed at me.

“What?” Jen looked from JC to me, then started up the staircase. “Addie, what in the world…” JC tried to block her in the hallway, but Jen pushed past him and came to me. “Shit, Addie, you’re bleeding!” she touched the back of my head and pulled her hand away. She looked at JC. “Are you fucking kidding me, JC?!”

JC said nothing. He knew he couldn’t.

“He hurt me,” I whispered, closing my eyes when I saw the blood.

“I know, Addie,” Jen sighed and pulled me away from the door. “Where’s the baby.”

“You’re not taking the baby!” JC snapped and pushed us aside, going to grab Ryden off the floor.

“Chris!” Jen called downstairs and I closed my eyes again, feeling sick to my stomach.

I opened them and was back in my bedroom at Jen and Brooke’s house. Sunlight was streaming through the blinds. I looked around and saw a pop up crib next to me. It was empty and I suddenly was wide -awake.

“Ryden!” I called out, sitting up and then immediately wishing I hadn’t. My head throbbed and I felt the back of it. A bandage was in place where there had been blood before. I couldn’t remember anything and the last thing I knew was that I had been leaning against Jen.

The door to my bedroom opened and Brooke walked in, holding Ryden who was reaching for me as soon as he saw me. Brooke sat on the edge of my bed and smiled at me.

“Maamaa!” Ryden cooed at me.

“Ryden!” I reached for him and held him against me, kissing him over and over again. I looked at Brooke and began to cry. “I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you guys from the beginning.”

Brooke shook her head. “No, Addie. You had to figure it out for yourself,” she touched my leg and patted it. “You’re okay. You had a mild concussion. He hit you against that wall pretty hard.”

“What happened? Everything was blurry from yesterday,” I told her, trying to gain composure and wiping my tears away.

“He banged you against the wall in his bedroom a few times. You passed out and Jen and Chris had been calling you guys for about two hours and decided to just pop by and surprise you around nine. They knew something was off because your bag was in the hallway and it was just way too quiet for y’all to be asleep at that early. They knew JC was lying when he told them you weren’t feeling well and then when you came out of the bedroom, there was blood on your shirt from your head. Chris and Jen called the police and JC’s in jail and can’t get out until someone bails out his ass. We’re all hoping you’ll press charges, Addie. You have to this time. He can’t get away with this anymore and you need to be safe.”

I tried to take in all of what she’d said. She was right. This time, I couldn’t ignore it. I shivered thinking about the fact that the concussion was only minor.

“I will. I’ll do it,” I told her without hesitation. “I want me and Ryden to be safe.”

Brooke bit her lip and I knew there was more. “What? What else are you not telling me?”
“Johnny’s taken JC’s side. He’s not going to let you choreograph for Lucky anymore because he says you brought too much drama,” Brooke shook her head. “We’re all pretty pissed at him.”
“So what am I gonna do?” I looked down at Ryden, who was snuggled against me and playing with a piece of my hair. “I have an eight-month-old and no job now?”

Brooke let out a sigh. “Lance has agreed to let you stay in his house here. They’re not going on tour until May now because of what might happen with JC. Johnny’s paying you through the end of the month. Addie, Jen and I are quitting the group. We can’t do this anymore with all you’ve been through and the fact that Johnny wants to hide it from the world that JC is dangerous,”

I didn’t know what to say. Yesterday, my life had been perfect, or so I thought. Today it had all come crashing down. And what was even worse to think about – I could have prevented it all if I’d just listened to my friends in the first place.

“I’m moving back to Boca next month and Jen is moving in with Chris,” Brooke continued.

“Why? What about Joey?” was my first question.

She shrugged. “I don’t know about Joey. He’s talking a lot to his ex-girlfriend from high school and I’m not really interested in dating someone who flirts that much,”

She reached over and squeezed my arm. “You’ll have Jen. And you have Lance. And honestly, Addie, Lance is still in love with you and would want nothing more than to take care of you and Ryden if you’ll let him.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to think about that. I fucked everything up, Brooke. As much as I love Ryden, sometimes I wish I’d just never slept with JC.”

“You didn’t know he was crazy, Addie,” Brooke reminded me. “None of us did. That’s why you have to press charges and don’t listen to Johnny and all those assholes at WEG when they try and settle with you.”

I looked down at Ryden and nodded. It was settled. I was going to put JC Chasez away for as long as I possibly could.

Numb. That was a good way to describe how I felt days after everything came to a head. I had nothing left in me. Though I slept through the night, my sleep was fitful and restless. I would wake up in a cold sweat thinking of how Johnny could somehow take my baby away from me. Or how he’d get JC the best lawyer money could buy and I’d be left with nothing. I didn’t have much of an appetite but since I was still nursing Ryden, I forced myself to eat. Usually I got sick to my stomach as soon as I ate due to the stress that was rapidly building within me. Jen came over to Lance’s everyday to check in on me and help with Ryden when Lance was out. Then there was Melissa, who Lance was still dating, and she wasn’t too thrilled that I’d taken up residency at his house. I didn’t blame her. I was the ex-girlfriend and if Melissa knew anything about me and Lance’s story, she knew we hadn’t exactly gotten together under the most favorable of conditions.

Johnny had tried to contact me several times but I wasn’t ready to speak to him. I knew JC was staying at his house until the trial began and the fact that he was so quick to jump to my abuser’s aid made me even more stressed out. Not to mention it had put a huge strain on the group. It was JC and Johnny on one side, Justin and Joey in the middle and Chris and Lance on my side. Justin and Joey stated firmly that they didn’t support what JC had done but he was their friend and they wanted to stand by him. Chris and Lance had been much closer to the situation and had more or less written him off. The tour had been postponed until further notice and as much as they’d tried to keep it all out of the press, it had leaked and the tabloids were having a field day with stories of JC’s abuse, other women coming out of the shadows to tell tales about him, and several covers of me with articles ranging from ones like The Girl He Took Advantage Of or Addie Parker: I’m on Welfare Now. I’d learned to ignore them and stuck to what I knew was true. I could fight this and I was going to fight it and show JC that I wasn’t the little girl he’d taken advantage of for the last year and a half.

“Addie?”

“Huh?”

I snapped to attention and looked over at Lance who was sitting across from me at his kitchen table. I was zoned out and thinking of how I would face JC in court in a few weeks. Everything was moving much faster because Johnny had wanted to get the guys back on tour, get Justin to start promoting his new single, and try and make all of it disappear. The sad thing was, it wouldn’t disappear and it was as though we all knew it but Johnny and JC. And I still couldn’t figure out just why Johnny had jumped on JC’s bandwagon so fast. Especially when he’d witnessed first hand what had happened to me during my pregnancy.

“I asked you what you wanted for dinner,” Lance reached over and touched my hand. “Are you okay? I know that’s a loaded question but if you need to hash anything out-“

“I’m fine,” I quickly answered him. I rubbed my eyes and looked down at Ryden who was crawling around on the floor next to me. He pulled himself up onto my chair and stood with a proud smile on his face. “You’re getting so big, bubby. Pretty soon you’re gonna be walking and running and Mommy won’t be able to keep up with you!” I reached down to pick him up and settled him in my lap.

“You’re not fine,” Lance caught my eye. “I think when this whole mess is over and done with you need to take a long vacation. I’d even pay for it for you.”

“Lance,” I shook my head and smiled at him. “I’ll be okay once I know that JC’s out of the picture and Johnny realizes what he’s doing by supporting him.”

Lance let a slow breath out and grimaced. “Addie, look, as long as JC is making him money, Johnny’s not going to stop supporting him. JC and Justin are the golden boys of our group. You should know that by now. And we’re taking a hiatus in August because they’re both going to release solo albums. This is why he wants this whole ordeal put behind JC because he knows the negative press it’s receiving and he knows that if JC loses, then he also loses. So you have to convince everyone in that courtroom that JC is a monster and that you aren’t over exaggerating or lying.”

I looked at Lance as if he were crazy. “Over exaggerating?  I’m sorry, but the man raped me twice, I ended up in the hospital also twice because of him, and last week he gave me a concussion. Seriously? Are they really gonna pull that much shit over the judge’s eyes?” I felt tears stinging at my eyes and wiped them away, suddenly feeling the urge to throw something across the room.

“Calm down, Addie,” Lance pulled me up and into a hug. “It’s gonna be OK. I’m just giving you scenarios that might happen. Johnny’s really good with court drama and he knows his Ps and Qs. And you already know what a master manipulator JC is. Just be careful.”

I let out a shaky sigh and pulled away from him, his eyes staring into mine. I swallowed hard and looked away, scared that any more contact might bring on something we’d both regret. Especially since Lance was still with Melissa. As if on cue, the front door opened and Melissa walked in, immediately coming into the kitchen. We’d just pulled away from each other, but I knew she sensed that we’d had some sort of a moment with the glare she was giving both of us.

“Well, sorry to interrupt,” she snapped and walked over to Lance, kissing him hard on the mouth, and then clasping her hand with his. “Baby, we should go get dinner. I’m hungry.”

Lance let go of her hand but stayed next to her. “I was just asking Addie what she wanted to eat. I think it might be a good idea if we all went out and-“

“Um, no I’m good,” I replied quickly, wondering if daggers might start shooting out of Melissa’s eyes. “I can fend for myself. And besides I have to get Ryden down at eight.” I excused myself from the kitchen and walked back to the bedroom that Lance had let me have while I was staying with him. It was on the first floor and had a walk-in closet that conveniently fit Ryden’s pop up crib inside of it. I sat down on the bed, Ryden in my lap and aimlessly bounced him while I figured out how long I could stay in the bedroom before Lance and Melissa left for dinner. I had a million and one thoughts going on inside my head and didn’t know which one to process first. I looked at the little baby in my arms and as much as I regretted how he’d come into this world, I knew he was the one thing, the only thing I had in this world right then and there. It was me and him against everyone else or so it felt.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts and I kissed Ryden’s cheek before standing up to go answer it.

“Addie, we’re going to dinner. Melissa left because I told her you needed some time out of the house. I’m really sorry. I know things aren’t ideal with her,” Lance walked into the bedroom, “but it’s an adjustment for everyone. I just think if you got out of the house and we went and got dinner you might be able to think more clearly.”

“Lance, no matter what, I’ve still got to face JC. I’ve still got this whole mess where I feel like I’m the only one fighting for myself and no amount of dinners out is going to change that,” I told him honestly. “And can you blame Melissa? I’m your ex-girlfriend and I’m living with you! I’d be pissed too if I were her.”

Lance shook his head. “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not letting you fight all of this alone and as far as I’m concerned, Melissa doesn’t need to be a bitch about it. Let’s go grab a pizza and come back here. At least get you out of the house.”

He wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer and I knew it. Reluctantly, I threw on a pair of shoes and with Ryden in my arms, followed Lance to the front door.

I’d been waiting for Johnny and JC’s attorneys to contact my attorney and have us all meet to work out some sort of “deal.” I knew it wouldn’t take long because like I said, Johnny wanted this over and done with. It was two days later that I was told I had to be at a meeting with JC, his attorney, Johnny, and my attorney. I don’t remember ever feeling as nervous as I was feeling as Lance drove me to the attorneys’ office downtown. My attorney was a top Orlando lawyer named Marla Slade-Jones. Lance had helped me track her down and was paying for the attorney fees because with the salary I’d had cut off from me, I couldn’t afford anything more than a state appointed attorney and Jen, Lance, and Chris told me I had to get the best. Especially because JC’s attorney was on-hold with WEG.

I walked into the foyer with Lance and was immediately met by JC and Johnny. JC looked right at me, stood, and began to approach me. I backed away and Lance put his arm in front of me.

“Where’s Ryden?” JC demanded. “You can’t take him away from me forever, Addie.” His voice was cold and it chilled me to the bone. His eyes glowered at me and I gave it right back to him.

“I’m not bringing an almost nine-month-old to this,” I spat. “He’s with Jen and Chris.”

“So the one time I could see him before you put me away in jail, you’ve decided to keep him from me?!” JC moved closer to me and suddenly I pushed Lance aside.

“Don’t fuck with me, JC. You’ll see him before your ass gets in jail, don’t worry. But if you recall, this little meeting falls right in the middle of his naptime!” We were face to face now and I could feel my insides shaking. I wanted to haul off and hit him as hard as he’d hit me. I wanted him to know how it felt to go unconscious from being smacked that hard.

“Ok, Addie, that’s enough,” Johnny spoke up. “Settle down. JC, come sit over here.”

“You’re done telling me what to do,” I narrowed my eyes at Johnny. “You promised me you’d take care of me and now you’re on his side? After you knew everything he did to me! No. You’re not ever telling me what to do again.”

Johnny and JC both looked at me as if I was a different person and I felt like I was after I’d told them both off. Lance took me by the shoulders and pulled me aside.

“Calm down,” he looked at me with a serious expression. “You can’t get all ballistic yet. You still have to sit in a meeting with them.”

“Whatever,” I muttered and moved away from Lance, walking past Johnny and JC and standing over on the other side of the foyer.

“So, is he calling you ‘daddy’ now?” JC sarcastically asked Lance.

“No, JC,” Lance shook his head and came over to where I was standing.

“Shut up, JC,” I heard Johnny hiss. “You and Addie are both gonna lose this if you’re not careful!”

Another fifteen minutes passed before we were asked by the receptionist to go up to the fourteenth floor conference room. Our lawyers sat on either side of the table and JC and I sat next to them, Johnny on his side, Lance on mine. There was a lot of lawyer jargon that I didn’t really understand but I knew that we were here to cut a deal so that it didn’t have to go to a drawn out courtroom session. There would be one more meeting like this if today went well which would finalize everything or something like that. My head was foggy and all I wanted was to get it over and done with.

“Your client abused Adelaide Parker. He put her in a hospital twice, gave her a mild concussion, and raped her. Mr. Chapman, the fact that you think he should just get a two-year probation is ludicrous. We are recommending three to five years in a federal state prison with eighteen months of probation after he is released. That’s our deal. Take it or leave it,” Marla was a bad ass and wasn’t going to give up. Lance reached over and squeezed my hand, as we both awaited what the other side would say. Johnny leaned over and whispered something to JC, who then whispered something to his lawyer.

“Two years and twelve months of probation,” Craig Chapman, JC’s lawyer replied.

“No deal,” Marla shook her head. “And if you don’t settle on something, we’ll have to go to court for sure. Mr. Wright, doesn’t that get into your touring plans for your group?” She was oozing with sarcasm and I wanted to laugh out loud but pursed my lips together and held it in.

“Am I gonna see my son if I go to prison?” for once JC’s voice was shaking and the confidence he usually carried with him was gone.

“Ms. Parker is under obligation to bring your son to see you once a week while you are locked up,” Marla told him. “You will see your son.”

JC looked at his lawyer once more and then over to me. “I guess it’s too late to apologize isn’t it?”

I blew a quick breath out and shook my head. “You lost that right a long time ago. I was just too dumb to realize it.”

“I loved you, Addie,” his voice was soft and I detected a hint of regret but didn’t relent.

“You had a shitty way of showing it,” I shrugged.

“With that being said,” the judge spoke up, “we’ll convene again next week for the final hearing, although, I must say, Mr. Chasez, your chances aren’t looking too good.”

JC shook his head and I saw him roughly wipe a tear from his eye. “No, it’s dumb to come back. Craig, I’ll take their deal. I just want it to be done.”

“JC, you realize-“ Johnny started.

“Yeah, I do!” JC interrupted him. “I know what it means for you and for me and the group but it is what it is.”

And just like that, it was over. It was done. JC was going to prison and I had sent him there. There wasn’t going to be a courtroom drama. There wasn’t going to be hoards of media trying to get me for an interview. The only thing that awaited us when we exited was a hoard of paparazzi trying to get as close to us as they could. JC went one way and I went another.

“How do you feel?” Jen asked me later that evening. She and Chris had come over for a celebratory dinner. I was still in shock that it had all come to a head and that I didn’t have to deal with the stress of sitting in front of a jury and telling my story. All I knew now was that JC was on his way to the nearest prison and that in two weeks I’d have to go there with Ryden for his first visit. But I didn’t want to think about that. I wanted to think about the freedom I was feeling for the first time since I’d joined Three4One or had Ryden or had ever met JC Chasez. I was giddy with excitement and enjoying time with my friends, not having to worry about whether or not I was doing something wrong and would later get hit because of it. JC was far away now and I was free.

“I feel awesome,” I told her as honestly as I could. “I feel like a huge weight has been thrown off of me and I can do anything I damn well please.”

“So, what are you gonna do?” Chris asked me. “Go back to school? Get a new job?”

I shrugged. “I’m just gonna take it one day at a time,” I answered him. “I want to go back to school. I wish I could still choreograph because that’s where I find the most life.” I sighed and shook my head. “But my main priority is Ryden. I want him to be okay.” I tried not to think about the fact that in another month or so my severance from WEG would be done and I’d really have to start thinking about a job. Lance had assured me I could stay with him as long as I wanted to and I was grateful for that, but I knew eventually, I had to get out on my own again.

At that moment my cell phone rang and I looked down to see Brooke’s number coming up on the screen. I smiled and answered it.

“Hey!”

“So you put the fucker behind bars did you? Way to go, Addie. I’m so proud of you!”

“Thanks. I wish you were here to celebrate with us.”

“Me too. Actually, I was gonna come up in a few weeks. I got asked to sing the National Anthem at a Magic game.” That wasn’t surprising. Of the three members of Three4One, Brooke had been the most popular and it wasn’t shocking that she was still getting recognized even if the group had disbanded.

“You’d better come see me and Jen when you’re here.”

“You know I will. I can’t come to Orlando and not see my favorite bitches.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You know what I mean. Anyway, Addie, I’m proud of you. I know it wasn’t easy.”

She was right. Today had been one of the hardest days of my life.

“Thanks. Talk to you soon.”

I hung up and looked up to see Lance walking out onto the porch with Ryden in his arms.

“What’s he doing awake?” I stood immediately and Ryden reached for me.

“He had a dirty diaper. Don’t worry. I changed it and just wanted to bring him out here to say goodnight to you one more time,” Lance smiled at me and I looked at my son, who was babbling at me in some sort of baby talk.

“Thanks,” I told Lance. “You didn’t have to-“

“I wanted to,” Lance replied and even in the dark I could tell he was blushing. “Want me to take him back?”

“No, I can-“ I started but Jen touched my arm.

“Let Lance. You know it’s nice to finally have someone else actually help you with the baby,” she reminded me. I nodded slowly and kissed Ryden’s cheek, then handed him over to Lance. As soon as he’d gone back inside with the baby, Jen cleared her throat and shook her head at me. “You are stupid, Addie.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” I asked her, incredulously.

“Oh my god he is crazy about you. Why don’t you go in there with him and tuck your son in and then just grab him and kiss him?” Jen rolled her eyes.

“Um, he has a girlfriend and I’m not gonna go down that road again,” I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest.

“His girlfriend is a bitch for one thing and for another, when you were with him as crazy as that time was, you were a lot more of the person I’m seeing now,” Jen took a sip of her beer.

“I was five months pregnant and needy as hell. I hope to god I’m not like that anymore,” I refuted her.

“You know what I mean. He made you happy. A lot happier than JC. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t write him off. I think it could be just what you need right now,” Jen shrugged.

“I totally disagree with you. A relationship is the last thing I need right now. I need to focus on myself for a little while.”

“I think I have to agree with Addie,” Chris spoke up. “She’s been through hell and back and she needs to clear her head.”

“Fine,” Jen sighed and snuggled next to Chris. “Maybe in the meantime he’ll come to his senses and dump that gold digger.”

I tuned out Jen and Chris for the rest of the evening. My mind was on what was going to happen next. Getting a job. Caring for Ryden. Surviving on my own. They were all scary to me but at the same time they were exciting. I was ready for it and I was ready to show the world that I was ready for it.

Epilogue – Present Day

It’s been nearly fourteen years since everything happened. I look back on all of that and sometimes feel like I am not the same person. I know that I’m not because the little girl who joined that girl band, who let herself be manipulated and abused is long gone from sight. I’m almost thirty-three and Ryden’s going to be thirteen in a couple of months. He’s the spitting image of his father. In fact, there’ve been a few times when people (mostly former Nsync fans) have done a double take. He looks a lot like JC did back when he was on MMC.

After JC was put in prison, a lot of things started to happen and all at once. I got a job working at Universal thanks to Joey and Chris, who went to bat for me. I danced in a show and the choreographer for the show asked me to come work at her dance studio. It was in Orlando not far from Universal or Lance’s house and I got really good hours. It was a professional studio so the pay was equally as good. Pretty soon, I was able to move Ryden and me out of Lance’s place and put a down payment on a house in the next neighborhood over. Six months after taking the job at the dance studio, I was made a partner and a year later, the studio was sold and Lance helped me buy it. I’m the proud owner of  “Addie Parker Dance Co.” and we now have studios all over Orlando and Tampa. I still work at the original studio, but there have been a few things that have occupied my time lately and I’ve had to cut back my hours.

Jen and Chris got married five years ago and have two kids. Jason is three and Rachael is two. They still live in Orlando and I see them all the time. Jen does back up work in the studio every so often but her main priority is her kids, which I obviously understand.

Brooke got a record deal with Jive and goes by the stage name of  “Brooke B.” She’s pretty popular and last summer we all went to see her take the stage at the American Airlines arena. She opened for Justin and they did a duet together on her last album. They’re cordial with one another but Brooke’s too busy with her career to settle for one guy. She and Joey dated off and on up until about three years ago and now they’re just friends. Although, I’m pretty sure they hook up every so often when they feel the need arise.

And as for Lance? Two months after JC was put away, he broke up with Melissa and asked me on a date. It was a slow process because of everything we’d gone through before and everything I was still going through. But eventually, we decided to become official. Two years later, we got married at a very small and intimate gathering. Ten months later, we had a little girl, Ansley, and when Ansley was six months old, I got pregnant with Braden.

JC was released on good behavior and stayed in Orlando because of Ryden. He finds work producing every so often that takes him out to LA but for the most part, he lays low in Florida. He’s cordial and we’ve both been through too much with each other to not at least be acquaintances. I’m pretty sure it bruised him when he found out Lance and I were getting married but he never said anything to anyone about it that I’m aware of. He’s dated a few women but none too serious. His main priority is Ryden. Ryden calls both JC and Lance “Dad” because he’s grown up with both of them in his life. He’s closer with Lance for obvious reasons, but he and JC do have a special bond and I’m happy that that’s been able to happen for them.

On this particular day, I’m at the dance studio going back and forth with answering phones and taking new clients. Most of my clients are teenagers who want to go into show business or collegiate adults who work for Universal or Disney part time. Lance is at home with Ansley and Braden who are now nine and eight, respectively, and Ryden is out with JC, who took him to a local high school basketball game. I’m at the front desk when the door opens and Ryden and JC walk into the studio. JC’s face is lined with a few wrinkles, he’s gone grey on the edges of his hair, and his once prominent blue eyes have turned a little grey as well. He smiles at me and I smile back.

“Hey, Mom,” Ryden comes around the desk to hug me. He pulls away and smiles and I’m reminded of that same smile that vexed me years ago. As much as I went through, had me and JC never met, I never would have had Ryden and I don’t regret that. Ever.

“Hi,” I kiss his cheek. “How was the game?”

“They lost,” Ryden answers and looks over my shoulder at the mini-refrigerator. “I’m hungry.”

“You just ate two hot dogs, son,” JC chuckles and shakes his head.

“That was hours ago, Dad,” Ryden answers and bends down to dig through the refrigerator. “Hey Mom, can I have this Snickers bar in the freezer?”

“Yes, but we’re going to Uncle Chris’ and Aunt Jen’s tonight for dinner and that’s in about two hours. You sure you want to-“ I haven’t finished my statement before Ryden is tearing into the candy bar. He looks at me, his mouth full of chocolate, and smiles widely, showing off those signature teeth that are his father’s as well.

“Ok, Ry, so dinner next week?” JC speaks up as Ryden jumps up on the counter.

“Yeah, Dad. Sounds good,” Ryden bites into the Snickers bar and JC slaps hands with him. “Hey, Mom, can I go to your office and watch TV? They’re gonna show highlights of the Magic game on ESPN later.”

I nod and smile as Ryden jumps off the counter and waves to JC, then kisses my cheek once more. I look at my ex and we both smile at one another.

“I’ll see you next week when I pick him up, I guess?” JC takes a step towards the door.

“Yeah,” I reply. “Have a good week, JC.”

“You, too, Addie,” JC nods at me and smiles, then walks out the door.

It’s a common occurrence between us, this meeting. Short and to the point. That’s all it could ever be after everything else we went through. I watch him disappear into his car and pull away, then immediately pull my phone out and call Lance.

“Hey,” he answers on the first ring and I hear the sounds of Ansley and Braden laughing in the background.

“Hey,” I reply. “What’s so funny over there?”

“Despicable Me,” Lance says. “You almost done there?”

“Uh huh. Just a few loose ends to tie up and Ryden and I will be home,” I say.

“See you then. Love you, babe.”

“I love you, too.”

I smile and hang up the phone, sighing contentedly. For a long time, I didn’t think I’d ever get to this place. In fact, I thought I’d be miserable with JC for the rest of my life and just learn to live with it. But I’m glad it all happened. I’m glad I’m stronger and a better person for all I went through.

And I’m glad for second chances.