Well if a shout or a scream

Could you bring you back to me



Then, I'll be...



The voice inside your head.

****************

It’s been five years since I was raped, and while the feeling of what happened will never truly leave me, I feel like I’ve come a hell of a long way. I’m strong now, independent, more than I ever was, even before it happened. I can hold my head high when I walk down the street, and fear...well, I can control my fears a lot better than before too. My mom is really proud of me. In the beginning, she never thought I’d be able to move on…have a life, have a career. I was too weak then I guess…I didn’t want to accept the truth and move on. I just wanted to shut myself away, dwell on it…and feel sorry for myself. Therapy helped me a lot, when I was finally forced to accept that I needed to go. My shrink was great, made me realize that there was a whole world out there I was missing out on. Two years of counseling behind me, I was finally able to get back to reality. I enrolled myself in school again, and I started living the life I was meant to. Of course I knew I’d never be the same girl I was before. I’d never laugh as much, never trust people or want to make new friends. I’d be pretty cold…pretty much a bitch, but I didn’t care what other people were going to think of me when I walked down the street.

I knew who I was, what I’d overcome, and that was all that really mattered to me.

I’d originally gone to school for nursing; made all my friends and family proud. I knew I’d be good at it then. That was the thing with me….confidence. If it couldn’t be done, I did it. If it was too hard, I’d make it look too easy. Valedictorian of my high school class…homecoming queen, most popular girl in school…that was me. And well, having a semi famous photographer for a mother didn’t hurt either. Life seemed all too perfect then, and I guess I was too caught up in it to stop and think that something could go wrong. But why should I have? I was happy with life, unlike most of my classmates. I had set plans…goals for the rest of my life. People would be proud of me…I would be proud of me…

And then I found out how the world really worked.

Mrs. Donnabora was a sweet old lady who lived in the most southern part of San Francisco. I’d really been in a bind when I’d seen her ad in the Post, as I’d just started going back to school and hadn’t had a chance to find work anyplace. I’d been on a few interviews of course, but nobody seemed to want to give me a chance. They told me I didn’t have enough experience in the field, and of course I knew that…but it wasn’t like I could go and tell them why it was that I hadn’t done any kind of aid work in two years. My mom was completely fine with the fact that I wasn’t working of course. She kept telling me it was good for me to just focus on school and not worry about anything else…that I needed to just ‘get back in control of things.’ But I’d never been one to rely on people for help. Even when the rape initially happened, I hadn’t asked anybody for their help….not even that night. It…it happened and I’d gotten out, gotten away, and gotten back home on my own. Looking back now I know it was stupid. I…I wish I’d asked my friends to help me, but I don’t know. It’s the weirdest thing, rape. It sort of…sucks you down this dark hole, where nobody can see you; and it almost….feels good that nobody can see you. You don’t want to be seen. You’re dirty, you’re horrible…you’re disgusting. You think they can see it on you, inside of you. You think….

You think it’s your fault.

It had been early morning when I’d seen the ad in the paper. I’d been buried underneath my comforter, hiding. Hiding from what…I don’t even know. I was still pretty bad then, even with all of that therapy behind me. I hated being alone, and when I was I felt the need to conceal myself so nobody would be able to see me through a window or through the crack in the door. That week in particular, my mother had been away on business…so my intensity level had been through the roof. It was so bad in fact, that I’d resorted to eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner underneath the comforter…a flashlight being the source of light. I’d been reading through the paper that particular morning, trying to distract myself from all of the scary noises the house had been making. Then I’d seen the want ad. It had been posted by her step daughter, stating the need for a full time live in nurses aid. It said her step mother was seventy one, alone, and needed somebody to be there for her…to tend to her needs and to make her feel comfortable. I saw the opportunity. The ad sounded desperate, and I knew how hard it was to find somebody reliable enough to live with your relative. So I called, and after a short ten minute interview with the step daughter, I found myself being talked into having lunch with the both of them the very next day.

It was hard when she passed. Maude and I became very close during the three year span I worked for her. After awhile it didn’t even feel like work anymore. I felt like I was living with a grandparent or an elderly relative. I’d get up in the morning and we’d cook breakfast together and read the paper. She didn’t have a television, she didn’t really have any interest in that sort of thing. I was kind of glad about that too, because at that point in my life I think I was better off not having a lot of knowledge about what was going on in the world. We’d always have tea in the afternoons and play canasta. After awhile I told her what happened to me, and even though it was awkward for me to tell a seventy three year old woman that I was raped in a bathroom stall…she didn’t make me feel like I was a horrible person for it. If anything, her words of wisdom only made me stronger, and by the time she passed on I guess…she’d made me so strong that I knew I could handle anything.

“Justin likes routine.”

I follow her into one of the most luxurious kitchens I’ve ever seen. Blonde wood cabinets and drawers accent the marble counter tops amazingly. Everything is flawless, spotless, and perfect. It makes me wonder how many people they have working to keep the place clean, but there’s just something about Lynn Harless that makes me think she does most of the work herself. I pause at the kitchen island, taking a moment to look up at the shiny copper pots above my head, before reverting my gaze back to her. She’s standing at the sink, gazing out the window. I hate to admit that she knows my mother so well and I’ve never spoken to the woman before. I’ve seen pictures of her though…in mom’s photo album back home. One summer when I went away to camp, she landed a job in Orlando doing some photos for a record company, and I guess Lynn was around a lot. They’ve stayed in touch all these years and by some grace of God, Lynn actually remembered that she had a daughter who‘d gone to school for nursing. About three weeks ago she gave my mother a call, asking her if I still ‘I had a job’ and ‘would I be interested in taking care of some things for her son’.

Yes her son. Her son being Justin Timberlake of all people.

I’m still confused by it. Sure, I read the papers…I watch the news. I heard about what happened to him more than once. In the beginning, it was all that the media talked about. God, it was like the president had just been rescued from a prison camp or something. I think the whole thing is way too hyped up. I think these people get way too much respect for things that happen to regular people all the time, all over the world. Hell, maybe I’m just bitter about a lot of things. I guess I am. Maybe, deep down, I wish my horrible experience could have been publicized….maybe it would have made me feel better knowing the whole god damned world felt sorry for me.

Maybe I’m just a retard.

I was a little hesitant to take this position at first. I’d heard how normal people like me get treated by these rich and famous people, and I knew I wasn’t ready to be yelled at or blamed for ridiculous things. But then my mom gave me that look., that ‘please honey, do it for me’ look. What could I say? There was no way I was going to turn my mother down for a favor after she had helped me through everything. So I just shrugged, sighed, and agreed to meet Lynn. Standing here now, I’m not as uptight about the whole situation. She seems really nice and sweet, depressed of course…but who wouldn’t be? But this isn’t even about her. Sure she hired me…but she’s not the one I have to deal with. It’s her son I’m going to deal with. Her son the pampered celebrity….

Her son that’s been ‘away getting his head together’

“I can handle routine,” I reassure her. “Being an aid involves a lot of routine.”

She doesn’t answer me for awhile, and I know she’s thinking really hard about something. I’m sure she’s wondering if she’s making the right choice…the right decision for her son’s well being. I wish I could tell her she is, but then again…I don’t really know either. I feel for the woman though…I really do. On the ride over here she was nervous…she kept avoiding topics. She wouldn’t just come out and say where Justin has been or why she had to hire me. She told me a lot about companionship though, and that Justin needs some more companionship in his life. I was the moron who asked ‘what happened to his friends?’

The rest of the car ride was pretty silent after that.

“Good.” She finally turns, and flashes me a tight smile. “Because you’re the only person that’s come through for me so far, and I need you to understand what you’re about to take on. This isn’t…,” she pauses and sighs. “Things have taken a sudden turn in Justin’s life, and as much as he won’t admit it…he needs somebody here to make sure it all doesn’t fall apart again. I know and trust your mother, and she seems to think you’re a very mature and responsible young woman. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that you can do the job, Melanie; I just need to be sure that we can be honest with each other. If something happens…anything at all, you need to be sure you contact me so we can resolve the issue.”

I don’t know what the woman is talking about. If she’s trying to hide the fact that her son is or has recently turned into a psycho it’s not going to work. Everybody in the world knows that a hostage situation is nightmarish…and god, I have no idea what went on or what he went through when that happened to him. But I do know about fear…and pain…and being lost. Really, if he opens up to me I think I might be able to help him. But that’s only if he wants to. If not…I guess I’ll just be fixing his meals and making sure he doesn’t kill himself or something like that.

But hey, the pay is good.

“You can count on me, Mrs. Harless.” I force a perfect smile for her and stick out my hand, but she just sighs, and tells me she wants me to call her Lynn before pulling me into a hug. It’s a long one, a warm one…like she’s just found the answer to all of her problems. I keep smiling when she lets go of me, I don’t want to let her down, but I know that I can’t fix anything. I’m not a miracle worker…I’m just me.

Just Melanie Parker.

******************

I used to be the type of guy who never got nervous. Well, okay, maybe that’s not the complete truth. I used to be they type of guy that was really good at keeping his feelings and insecurities tucked away. I guess I felt I had to, because Justin was always nervous no matter how casual the situation was. I made a decision the first time I was allowed to go out on tour with him, that I was going to be the one with the level head. That I was going to be the one to keep him from making stupid decisions and getting into trouble that he wouldn’t be able to get out of. In a way I guess I was pretty lame…trying to cover his ass when I should have been just as care free as he was. I don’t know, I guess I let all the stories about the entertainment industry get to my head. Justin was my best friend and I didn’t want to see anything bad happen to him. I didn’t want to see him get taken advantage of. But in the end it didn’t matter. Because nobody could have prevented the horrible things that happened to Justin.

Even though he thinks I could have.

I’m sitting here in the airport terminal, wondering why the hell these chairs have to be so hard, as I bite my thumbnail and pray to god that she’s going to be the same girl I shipped back to Millington three months ago. I didn’t really want to. I wanted her to stay here so I could take care of her…keep her safe. But in my heart I guess I knew the only way Kerri was going to be okay, was if she was able to spend some time with her family. I know they never really got the chance to grasp what happened to their daughter…really look into it and see the hell she’d been through. The daughter they raised had changed immensely, because of a nightmare, and the better part of me knew that they needed time, a lot of time, to get to know her again.

It was hard, initially, seeing them walk into the hospital that morning knowing I had to be the one with most of the answers. I’d never really dealt with Kerri’s parents on such a personal level before. Sure I grew up around them, and I would usually tag along when Justin would go over to her house after school, but it never went beyond that. I was never invited over for dinner, or on weekend trips to the lake like Justin was. I was always just the boy that lived down the street to them… “Justin’s little friend”, and that was fine back then. Back when there was no reason to really care.

So not only did I have to be the bearer of some really shitty news to the Kerri‘s parents, but I also felt I had to prove myself to them at the same time. I didn’t know what their opinion of Justin had turned into, and really…I didn’t want to know. But I figured if their attitudes toward Justin had turned sour, I’d probably gotten dragged down with him. I didn’t want that. I needed to show them…I had to show them how much I cared about their daughter. That…that she had somebody she could count on. Or maybe I just…I just wanted somebody to believe in me for once. Really believe in me. Think that I was a really great guy, not a fuck up, not an complete asshole.

Sometimes I can be so fucking stupid.

I guess they were grateful she had somebody. The mother was pretty quiet. She sobbed a little bit every now and then, but mostly…she just seemed totally out of it. Justin always used to tell me that Kerri’s mom had a lot of issues because of her miscarriage, but that’s the farthest he’d get into the topic with me. I made myself understand. I mean, part of me wanted to be angry that nobody would let me know the full story. I thought Kerri and I were just as close as she and Justin were, but then I thought about it….really thought about it and then I realized I wasn’t. I was Kerri’s really great friend…and I was Justin’s best friend. But I would never have the same kind of bond with Kerri that Justin had with her. They just had this little thing…with just the two of them. With inside jokes, and late nights on the phone that nobody else was allowed to be a part of. I guess that was the year I realized that Justin and Kerri had loved each other from the very beginning, and I had no place in it. And I never would.

I made myself decide that was just fine.

I distanced myself that year I think. It hurt me more than I thought it would too, and then I realized I might have had stronger feelings for Kerri than I cared to admit. It really pissed me off, because I knew I didn’t have a chance in hell in getting her to feel the same way. She was entirely caught up in Justin. He was a fucking messiah in her eyes then, he could do no wrong. Sometimes it made me fucking sick to my stomach, especially when Kerri would be out on the road with us. I’d be at sound check, see them goofing around together, and have to make some lame ass excuse that I was sick so I could go back to the room for the night. They never caught on though, it was cool with them because it meant they could get their bonding time in. And I tried to make myself believe it was better off that I let them be without me.

But damn, looking back on it all now…I really wish I’d taken the girl aside and told her how much I really did care. ’Course she would have laughed at me I’m sure. Well…laughed or gotten really freaked out. But hey, it couldn’t have been as bad as telling her about my feelings when she was doped up on morphine and confined to a hospital bed.

Kerri’s dad is one of those guys who hates to stray from the point of conversation. No excuses, no bullshit…just tell it to him straight and he’ll figure out how to solve the problem. I was kind of glad. I just told him what happened, his face got a little red when I told him she had been stressed out about Justin treating her badly. Then he patted my shoulder, thanked me, and reassured me that Kerri would be just fine. He’d call me…make sure he updated me. And I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to be mad at him for that, but I couldn’t help it. He didn’t care that I was there, that I wanted to be her friend and help her out. He just wanted to snatch his daughter up and make her forget about us….

And while I just…I fucking hate Justin right now, I wasn’t about to allow Kerri’s family to make her forget about him …

Or hell, about me.

“You can’t just snatch her up like some possession.” It was the kind of thing that would have gotten me cracked across the face by my father when I was a kid, but I didn’t care. For once, I was going to be bold and determined when it came to Kerri and my feelings for her. Maybe I was being selfish…trying to keep her to myself so nobody else could outshine me again. Hell I don’t know. All I know is that the guy stared at me for a really long time after that. He didn’t say anything, but I could see it….I could see it in his eyes. He knew how much his daughter meant to me.

And Christ, that man included me in every single thing that took place after that.

Kerri had a lot of problems after she was first released from the hospital. Her leg was still messed up as fuck, and she couldn’t walk on her own. It was hard for her…a girl that was so used to being independent being confined to a seat all day long. She got really moody, really needy. She wanted everything done for her at first. She acted like the world owed her something. And hell, I understood that…but her father didn’t. He told her if she wanted to do something she was going to do it on her own, because she made the decision to move out to California in the first place. I had to hold my tongue at times like that. Because Kerri would stare at me, like it was my fault, and I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. But I guess I knew better. It wasn’t my fault…none of it was. Kerri was just angry at a lot of things, and she had every right to be. I had my opportunity to back out in the beginning too…but of course I didn’t.

I’d never leave her like he left her.

After a couple of weeks of therapy, Kerri was starting to manage to limp around a little. We’d walk down the back pathway behind my apartment after dinner most nights. It gave us a lot of time to talk about things….a lot of things. I think I got to know the girl all over again. It was weird. It wasn’t Kerri. Not the Kerri I thought I knew anyway. This one was much more serious and reserved. That playful twinkle never entered her eyes anymore. She didn’t smile. She was fearful of everything. Friends were out of the question. She didn’t trust anybody back in New York. Siobhan was even out of the question. As far as Kerri was concerned it was partially her fault Justin went ‘crazy’ in the first place. I didn’t agree or disagree with her. I just went along and tried to change the subject. Sure, she’d get pissed…say I wasn’t listening, but I didn’t fight back. She knew damn well I was listening, but with all the therapy and shit I’d been through myself, I’d learned not to put myself in a vulnerable position anymore.

I’d learned not to really take sides.

We had a long talk about the whole “I love you thing’, and we both agreed that it was done out of haste. I mean, hell, how could I possibly love Kerri? She said there wasn’t a way I could, it was never like that between us…and I just smiled and nodded. “Sure Ker.” because I didn’t know what the fuck else to say. Do I love Kerri? Of course I do. But there’s no way I’m getting into a relationship with anybody right now, and the same thing goes for her too. Just being friends is good enough for now. Hell, the fact that she’s alive to begin with is good enough for now.

It was decided that when Kerri was a little better, it would be good for her to go home to Tennessee for a little while to recuperate and get her head together. Kerri wanted to see her sister really badly too, so of course I was happy that her parents were willing to take her back into their home. She wanted me to come too of course, and Mr. Donovan told me he had no problems with that if I was up for it. But then…I just….I don’t know. I guess I felt that maybe I could use a little break again. Not a break from Kerri, but just a break from life in general. It was hard for me to get moments alone to take everything in, and whenever I managed to…it would usually result in my crying like a fucking loser. I lost my best friend. Elisha was long fucking gone, and Kerri…I just had no idea what the future held for her, and I had to admit I really had no concept of how to take care of her problems, even though I‘d tried to convince myself otherwise. I felt so alone, like I was sinking, and I guess I figured the best thing would be for Kerri to go…get her life together, be happy. She deserved to be happy. And I…well I thought that maybe I could learn to be better for her, so when she came back maybe I’d have a chance to treat her the way she deserved to be treated.

I’m the same way I was when I put her on the plane back home.

“Hey.”

I pick my head up and she’s standing there, just standing there like always. Old frumpy blue backpack slung over one shoulder, hands fidgeting nervously with the bottom of her shirt. . Her blond hair is pulled back in a low pony tail, and she stares at me with those eyes of her. Those eyes that used to be so bright and happy. They’re still not. They’re still traumatized, cold…hurt, and cautious. Even so, it’s still Kerri. My Kerri. The girl I guess I’ve always loved…even though I was never supposed to. I smile a little. It’s an unsure, nervous smile, and I know she can sense my mood because she flinches a little as I come towards her. It’s awkward. Its been three months and now she’s come back to stay with me because…

Well I don’t really have a clue.

She called me up a couple of weeks ago, sounding a little bit refreshed, but a world away from the girl I used to know. She told me she thought she was ready to come back. I told her I thought she was crazy…to stay at home and spend more time with her folks. But Kerri was persistent. She said she felt she’d had enough time away from her problems, and wanted to come back to Los Angeles so she could ‘start fresh’…whatever that meant. What could I do? One thing I vowed never to do, was try to control Kerri’s decisions. Justin did that entirely too often, whether he realized it or not, and I think…maybe…it took part of Kerri’s spirit away. Of course, I could be wrong. I wasn’t involved in their relationship. I don’t really know what went on behind closed doors. But I do know…I do know Justin hurt her. Justin went fucking nuts…and he changed her. He changed her more than he should have been allowed to.

“Hi Kerri.” I put a reassuring hand on her arm and rub it a little. Naturally, there’s no real reaction from her. It’s funny how I expect this mood from her now. I remember a time when she would jump on me and hug me for fifteen minutes, giggling in my ear about something stupid she heard the other day. I long for those days again. I want to just be a stupid giggling kid again. I want to smoke weed with Kerri and Justin in the hotel room. I want to go to the night club and get shit faced and not care. I want to pick up the phone, call Elisha and still be able to call her baby. I want…

I want my best friend back too.

“You’re crying.”

It’s a whisper, but loud enough to make me realize how idiotic I’m being right now. I reach up and sure enough, the tears are ever present on my cheeks. I wipe them away, and sniffle. “I’m okay.”

She touches my faces and sighs. “Stop it. You’re not okay, Trace.”

I shrug. “I just…I guess I just missed you.”

This time she drops her bag. It takes her a little effort to limp right up to me, and I almost reach out to steady her, even though I know how much she hates that. But she doesn’t need my help after all. She opens her arms and wraps them around my neck. I feel my body stiffen. Kerri hasn’t hugged me in a long time. After the accident she closed herself off from a lot of physical contact. She didn’t really want me to touch her, and she was a little weird about hugging her dad and mother too. I never really understood, and of course I never got into it with her. But…I guess that accident was just the final straw for Kerri. She’d already been through hell, she trusted somebody…loved him…would have gone to the ends of the earth for him, and he just….I guess he just stopped caring or something.

I don’t know. I’ll never understand why Justin did what he did to her.

“I missed you too.” She says the words into my neck, and I can feel a few light tears drip onto my tee shirt. I know she’s crying too. Damn, and I woke up this morning and promised myself I was going to be good today. I told myself I cried my tears for three months and that she was coming back now…so I had to be strong, level headed Trace again. But I‘m not doing any of that. I‘m just…I‘m breaking down in front of her like a fucking wimp. Kerri doesn’t need a wimp in her life again.

“But we talked on the phone every day, Trace.” She pulls away from me as she says the words, and gives me the once over. She’s probably making sure I look like I’ve slept, been changing my clothes, not been drinking myself into the ground. I haven’t. I mean, I’ve been good with that. I’ve been hanging out with some friends of mine when I’ve had the chance. They’ve kept my spirits up a little bit. I didn’t give myself a reason to get really fucking depressed and drunk. But I cant say that I didn’t sit home a lot of nights and just….cry. Sometimes it was therapeutic, but most of the time it was just sad and lonely. Like nobody gave a damn. That’s how you get when you cry. Every bad thing in the world that’s happened suddenly comes rushing back to you, and you dwell on it all…make yourself a wreck. Then you wake up on the kitchen floor at six am, empty glass of milk in your hand and wonder what the fuck happened to you..

I force myself to get it together for her, and flash a fake smile. “Girl it’s fine. I’m fine, let’s just go..” I pick up her book bag and start to walk away. I hope she’ll just drop it. I hope we can just talk about her, how her leg is, how her limp is. What she wants to do now that she’s back here.

“Fuck. I hate when you do this.”

I tend to forget that she isn’t Justin. I cant just brush her off, tell her I’m fine. I cant turn the focus on her, because unlike Justin, Kerri isn’t selfish. Kerri cares. Kerri worries about what’s going on with me, and I cant get shit past her. Not anymore at least. Not since I got her out of her ‘situation’. I turn back to her and sigh heavily. “I just don’t want to put this on you today.” My voice cracks and I can feel my body start to tremble again. I really wish that….I could just stop crying for a day or two. Just for a few minutes.

She limps over to me slowly, taking care not to put a lot of pressure on her bad leg. Then she reaches me, takes my hand, and looks up at me. “You cant fall back into that pattern again. They told you that at the therapists, Trace. You cant just not care about what’s going through your mind, okay?” She runs a hand through my messy curls a little and sucks in a shaky breath. “This is why I came back here,” she whispers. “I knew…I knew this is what was going on with you. Nobody had to tell me. I could hear it in your voice on the phone. I sat up at night and knew you were just crying, thinking everything was still your fault. That you could have stopped the inevitable from happening. Elisha even…she called me once. She said she came by to give you a box of stuff and found you sleeping on the kitchen floor.”

It’s wrong, but I hate that Elisha and Kerri are still kind of close. It’s weird to me, because while I don’t hate Elisha, I know that I cant talk to her or confide in her right now. Hell, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, and it’s way too early to tell. She can’t be in love with a nervous wreck, and there’s another guy that makes her feel wanted more than I was making her feel. Well it’s fine. Great. She can go be happy and do her thing. But does she really have to keep Kerri updated on my depression bullshit? No, but she does it because she still thinks she has a place to do it. But I’m done fighting and trying to shut her out. Everybody can just do what they want when it comes me. I have no more energy to lock them out, fight with them, or anything else.

All I really want is to wake up and know that Kerri is in the next room. Go to sleep…and know that Kerri is in the next room.

“Trace.”

I let my eyes connect with hers. I don’t bother to wipe my tears away this time, and I kiss her cheek. I feel her flinch, but I try my best to put it out of my head. “Maybe I’ve been bad,” I whisper. “But I’m gonna be okay. I mean…you’re here now. So we can help each other out….right?”

“Right.”

But she doesn’t look at me.

************************

I put Trace in bed and sat in the bedroom for a good hour just so I could be sure he was asleep. I don’t know what it is. He told me he slept last night, got his eight hours in, and I know Trace…he wouldn’t lie to me at this point. I guess I’m just worried about him…fucking worried sick. I wasn’t going to come back out here for another few months. I was having a good time back home. For the first time in a long time, I was able to bond with my family in a way I never thought I’d be able to again. Moreso, Mary was there. Mary was there and she still needed me to be her big sister. She still looked up to me. What happened to me…the things I’ve said and done and all my regrets and mistakes…none of it changed her attitude towards me. The fact that I didn’t call for months and months didn’t phase her. She just…loved me. That’s the beauty of a child, they don’t have the mentality to hold a grudge. Sure, they can throw a damn good tantrum…but get them an ice cream and they’re over it in an hour.

They don’t have the mentality or attention span to put up with a lot of this adult catastrophe bullshit, and I for one couldn’t be happier.

The first thing I noticed about Trace when I met him at the airport, was how pale he was. It wasn’t just the paleness he usually gets from sitting around in the air conditioning too much, it was more. He was white, really white, and it scared the shit out of me. So much that I didn’t even know how to act around him. I really didn’t want to be negative after being away for so long. I know he’s been looking forward to having me back around here. It gives him some company, somebody who gets what he’s going through. Hell, somebody to talk to him at two in the morning when he’s still awake. Somebody I guess…that can do the things he used to do with Justin, only at a much lower scale. I’m not saying Trace doesn’t have other friends. He does. He’s really close with his sister, Brittany, and now that she’s in college she’s only an hour away from here. There’s a couple of other random people too…friends of Elisha’s that became friends with him. I think I’ve met a couple of them once or twice in passing. But none of those people can really compare to the one person that knew him since he was in diapers.

I know he doesn’t like to admit it to me, because he doesn’t like to talk about Justin with me now that everything has gone to shit; but Trace…he needs Justin. It’s blatently obvious and it’s making him sick that things might not get back to normal. That they might never be friends again. It’s breaking his heart. Everything that happened was really too sudden for Trace, too quick. He wasn’t prepared for any of it. Well…none of us were, but I guess Justin and I just…well, we had each other. We had each other all that time things were going on, But Trace, Trace sort of got left behind. He dealt with a lot of tremendous pressure and anxiety all by himself. It destroyed his relationship, his chances of getting married and starting a family. And it ate away at his friendship with Justin until there was nothing left. It was like his life just dissolved…just like that.

And it took me all this time…all this fucking time to realize how selfish Justin and I both were when it came to Trace and how he was dealing with things. Even when I knew the main reason he felt so horrible, all I could do was blame him for ‘letting the kiddnapping happen’. I sit up in bed most nights and think about what I could have done differently when he told me. What I could have done to make things a little easier for everybody. Maybe if I hadn’t been stuck in my stupid Justin love fantasy I could have done things a lot differently. Maybe Trace would be okay right now… not pale, not depressed, not fucking sick like I know he is.

Its really sad that it took Justin beating me to a pulp and a car accident to realize just how much Trace was hurting.

But I guess I got what I deserved.

“What are you still doing up?”

I gasp a little, but relax when I realize it just Trace peeking out of the doorway. I sigh and shift my eyes towards the clock on the cable box. It’s nearly two but I’m not surprised. It’s my first night back and I have way too much on my mind right now to be able to get some rest. I shift a little in my spot on the sofa and meet his tired gaze. “I should be asking you that. I tried to make sure you were asleep, Trace. You don’t look good.”

He chuckles a little and shuffles out into the living room. “I woke up. I told you I slept last night, girl.” He plops down beside me on the sofa and gives my shoulder a little rub. “You need to stop playing mother dearest. We had this talk, remember?”

I shrug and send him a disapproving glance before shifting away from him. I hate when he does this, plays it off like his problems don’t matter and everything is going to be okay. It’s my problems that are important in his eyes, Justin’s problems, Elisha’s….anybody else’s problems but his own. I want to yell at him and tell him to snap out of it and take care of himself, but I’d be wasting my breath. Trace doesn’t listen. He never has. His problem is he cares too much, even if he knows whats going on with him is really serious. I start to wonder if coming back here was really the best thing for him. Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to Elisha, and stayed away for awhile more. Maybe Trace could have fixed himself. Maybe… “Maybe I’ll just go home.” I finally look at him, but I wish I hadn’t. My words to him seem to have brought him down more than he was earlier today. Great.

“You don’t want to be here?,” he says quietly, looking down at his lap. “I…I didn’t mean to…”

I quickly take one of his hands in mine. “Trace it’s not you. You didn’t do anything wrong okay? It’s just…maybe you just need to be on your own so you can focus on--”

“Focus!” He jerks away from me and jumps up from the sofa. His outbust shocks me a little, and I nearly duck and cover before I remember myself. “Focus Ker? On what? You think I like sitting alone in the house everyday and remembering…”

“Well maybe you need to Trace. Maybe you need to remember everything and think it through so you can finally start your life again.”

Silence.

“I’m going to bed.”

I don’t watch him go, and when the door slams shut I know that was the extent of any conversation I was going to have with him tonight. Yeah, I guess I fucked up and pushed him away. I tend to do that now with people…push them away. I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt again.

Hurt like he hurt me.

********************

“Justin! Look!”

I jump a mile in the air, and it causes me to throw my journal across the boat’s deck. I whimper a little, and then I manage to look up into the face of my youngest brother, Stephen. I immediately feel like an asshole, because he looks like he just pissed his pants. “Steve…”

“I’m sorry.” He whispers it and hangs his head low. “I just wanted to show you what Jon caught.”

Frustrated that I let myself slip in front of him, I let out a disgruntled sigh and rub my face with my hands. Finally, I’m able to face him again…but it isn’t pretty. His face is red, and there are fresh tears on his young little face. I hate myself, truly. It’s been hard on him…what happened to me. And well, it’s no joke that he’s been stuck to my side like glue since I landed here three months ago. It’s like he feels the need to protect me or make me feel wanted, and yeah…its really cute and I love the kid; but I also feel like I’ve taken away a big chunk of his spirit. Daddy told me that he hasn’t really been himself since he figured out what really happened to me…that he’s been afraid to go out and play with his friends. Of course, daddy told me that it wasn’t my fault…that I hadn’t done anything wrong. But his words didn’t reassure me. I felt like I’d failed the poor kid. Because of me…he’d never be able to experience a lot of things that a kid was supposed to. He was afraid of the world, and it was entirely my fault.

I think it’s partly why I’m forcing myself to go back to LA.

“Hey…” I flash him a soft smile and tug him towards me. “It’s all right buddy. You just shocked me, that’s all.”

He slowly lifts his head to look at me, and sniffles a little bit. “I scared you.”

“Nah.” I shake my head and give him a tight squeeze. “You know you can’t scare me.” I laugh a little and ruffle his hair. “You little buzz-fizz.”

My infamous nick name for him, is returned by a slight spout of laughter. I guess that’s good…but the better part of me knows that he’s forcing it. I sit back on the lounger, and he scrambles onto my lap so he can lay his head on my chest. It’s a good feeling and I’m glad I decided to stay this one last day so I could spend this time with my father and brothers on their annual fishing trip. I know there wont be too many more like this one. Stephen may be eight but he’s getting big. Next summer, I doubt I’ll be able to tolerate him curling up on top of me like this. Its yet another moment in my life I’ve learned to cherish. I have to cherish it. I mean, after all…

I could be dead right now.

“Do you hafta go back home, Justin?” His small finger traces a pattern up and down my neck, toying with the hair that’s recently grown there. “I have little league on Saturday. I want you to go.”

I sigh heavily. No, I don’t want to go back to LA. Back to being alone. Back to my mom calling me every hour to make sure I havent killed myself. Back to wondering what the hell Trace is doing, and if he really hates me or if its just some temporary thing. Back to being up all hours, trying to pass the time by fooling around with the studio equipment downstairs…or watching a bunch of dvds….anything really. Anything to keep my mind off of that one…subject. The subject that made me run to Madison in the first place. The subject that really…it’s the real reason I’m down here right now.

I can’t accept what I did. I’ve drowned it out, but…I still know. I still know what I did to Kerri, and I still have no idea how I’m supposed to fix it. I mean, damn, how the hell do you fix something so horrible?

But I’m going home, because I know I can’t hide forever. The longer I stay away the more painful it’s going to be when I finally go back. I have to grow up a little bit…face shit, even though I don’t want to. Even though I don’t think I deserve to deal with anymore pain. It doesn’t matter. It’s my fault all this shit blew up in my face, and it’s about damn time I acted like a man and dealt with it. I just…I have to go back and get on with my life. Sure, of course I’d rather be here playing with my brothers and bonding with my dad. But right now, its just not my place. My place is home…in the house that I put so much time and effort into. I have to manage my life again…by myself. “I don’t want to go,” I say to him, giving his back a little rub. “But you know, sometimes I have to go and take care of things Steve. Daddy will send me the video and I’ll see your game that way.”

He looks up at me then, right into my eyes where I’m most vulnerable. “Are you still scared?”

I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes, and I have to look away from him before I break. “Stephen…” I suck in a breath and give him a gentle push so I can sit up a little bit. “I thought me you and daddy agreed that we wouldn’t talk about this a lot anymore. It scares you…and I don’t want you to be scared.”

He sits up on his knees and sucks in his bottom lip as he stares at me. “But I don’t want you to be scared either. I woke up last night and I went to get some milk and I heard you in your room…you were crying.”

I feel myself go numb. This is getting out of hand. He’s getting too big and I cant keep anything from him anymore. I know I have to leave…its just getting unhealthy for him, me being here. “I wasn’t crying, Stephen. Come on okay, stop it.” I’m agitated and I have to get up and walk away before he asks me another question and I totally lose it

“I’m not a baby!” I hear him call out. It causes me to turn on my heel, and I stare him down…my expression full of impatience and anger. I’m done discussing this situation with a fucking eight year old. He needs to just….forget about me and be a fucking kid again. Fuck, I’m not coming out here for his birthday in couple of months. I’ll do the phone thing like I’ve had to do in the past.

“You don’t tell me anything! You talk to Jon and daddy and it’s not…”

“Stephen! Would you just shut up! It doesn’t concern you!” I scream the words at him and fold my arms across my chest.

His expression drops like a dead weight. The enthusiasm and protest in his eyes fades to nothing more than a dull stare. Then he just starts to bawl like any normal eight year old would after their older brother screamed at them to shut up.

What the fuck am I thinking?

“Steve…I‘m--”

“What’s going on?” Jonathan runs up behind him just then, big fish on a hook in his left hand, and I’m assuming this is what Stephen was ranting about before. “Why is he crying? Did he fall?”

Of course I don’t answer. I brush past the older of my two siblings, past my father who was standing in the background, probably listening to everything that just happened. I go below decks, into a bunk, and lock myself in. I don’t care about the knock that comes on the door ten minutes later. I don’t care that it’s my father and he tells me that I have to stop shutting people out of my life. I don’t care about anything.

I just care about crying into this pillow, because it’s the one thing that won’t protest and ask me lots of questions. It will just take it, and that’s all I really need at this point.

Just somebody to take it.

I burst into his room a minute later. Thankfully, he’s not undressing. He’s leaning over, palms flat against the top of the dresser, his legs astride. I don’t think he’s crying, he’s just staring. He knows I’m here too, but he doesn’t say anything. Probably because he knows how stupid he’s being this morning.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Somebody has to be the serious one today.

He takes a deep breath and straightens himself. “I’m fine.” He walks back over to his bed and tugs a red hoodie into his arms. He pulls it over his head, then slips pair of shades out of the front pocket and over his eyes.

I cross my arms and step in his path when he tries to get away from my confrontation. “You think Eric isn’t going to notice that you’ve gone from psycho depressed to an egotistical pop star?”

He shakes his head as he twists his lips into a disgruntled smirk. “I haven’t seen him since I got back from Florida, Mel. He doesn’t know what I’ve been like, okay?”

He reaches out, about to reassure me with a pat on the shoulder but I jerk away and glare at him. “It’s one thing to lie about how well or bad you’ve been doing. It’s another thing to act like a completely different and fake person. Justin, I don’t like this! It’s not healthy. If…if I had known you’d do this I wouldn’t have called Eric in the first place.”

“Yeah, well you did,” he mutters, and rips his sunglasses off of his face.

The whites of his eyes have turned red and watery now. He’s understandably scared out of his mind. It’s probably my fault too, but as much as I want to break down and tell him he doesn’t have to do anything he’s uncomfortable with, I know it’s not going to help him get better. Justin needs to face his fears…

I know what happens when you don’t.

His serious expression softens, and suddenly, he does something I never thought I’d see him do…or something I’d allow him to do. “Just bear with me,” he pleads, stepping up to me and placing a hand on each of my shoulders. He stares deep into my eyes. I don’t want to stare back, because I know the power that lies within those metallic blues of his. They’re convincing, like a con artist‘s. I don’t know how many people he’s be en able to sway with the power of those things, but I’m sure it’s more than I have time to count. “Come on Mel,” he says softly. “I’m doing what you asked. I’m going out.”

Shockingly enough, I don’t pull away from him. I continue to stare up at him, searching his eyes for the real Justin. The one that I’m sure I don’t know yet…the one I don’t think I’ll really ever get to know. “I knew today would be hard for you, but I didn’t want you to have to put all of your energy into being fake. I…I really want you to try and enjoy today as much as possible.”

He doesn’t seem to know what to do after I say that. He steps back, and just sort of stares at me. There’s no real expression on his face either. It’s like, he’s too confused to know how to react. I guess he’s been alone for so long that he doesn’t know how to comprehend it when somebody he doesn’t know all that well sort of cares about what happens to him. I guess it’s a learning experience. But I’m not so sure if I’m the right one to be teaching this stuff to him. It should probably be his shrink, or a friend or family member. Hell…I don’t know. He isn’t telling me to leave or that I’m making things uncomfortable for him. Maybe I need to just go with it. I mean…he is, even if he has to be fake at times to do it.

“I will,” he nods. “It’s just, what Eric and my mother don’t know can’t hurt them. And…you know, it--it cant’ hurt you either. You know, me being happy looks good on your part too.”

“Oh please,” I mutter, knowing he has sort of a valid point, but not wanting to encourage his fake mood. “I’m not going to stand here and tell you it’s okay to act like somebody you’re not. I mean, how am I supposed to know if you’re being fake with me?”

His eyes widen a little. “Well I…”

“Yeah,” I snap. “Never thought of it that way did you?”

“Mel, I can’t have people thinking that I need to be dragged back to Tennessee.”

This is yet another thing that confuses me about Justin: his absolute loathing of going back to his home town. I mean, he grew up there and he wants absolutely nothing to do with it anymore. “What’s the big deal?” I’m out of line but I don’t care right now. He brought it up so I think I have every right to challenge him about the subject.

He chews the bottom corner of his lip for a minute, not saying anything, barely looking at me. I’ve struck a cord, but I think we’ve reached a point now where he needs to start being more open with me. After the other night, there’s not really much else he needs to hide from me. “I just…”

Beep beep beeeeep!

“Eric,” I nod.

“Yeah.” He laughs nervously. “We better just go.”

I still don’t clear a path for him. “You think you can just run away from me when things get too hard to talk about? Look Justin, I may not know you all that well…but you’re stuck with me. I don’t know for how long, but for right now this is how things are. Now, if you really want to push me out and be alone that’s your choice. But don’t expect to call me up crying when your mom tries to put you on the next plane back home. I’m not looking back once I’m gone…understand?”

“I…” He sighs and looks at the floor. “Okay, later…later on I’ll explain more.”

“Hmmph.” I roll my eyes. “Let’s just go.”

“I promise.” He looks me directly in the eyes. “Melanie…”

I don’t want him to break down right now, because its bad enough that Eric suspects Justin’s happy act as being fake and if he goes to the car in a mood Eric will be making an unwanted phone call to Lynn later on. “Okay,” I reassure him. “Later.”

I finally clear a path for him, and he shoots me a thankful smile before exiting the bedroom. I take a moment to glance around before I follow him out the door. In case Eric should want to come up here, I don’t need him finding anything suspicious lying around. I don’t find anything out of the ordinary though, and I know that’s a positive thing. I go into the bathroom next, knowing that I really need to get downstairs, but also knowing that I need to make sure there isn’t anything lying around that could pose a threat to Justin. Surprisingly enough, its basically clean. Sure there’s a wet towel or two lying on the floor…toothpaste lying on the sink without the cap on it. But that’s to be expected. Not everybody can be as neat as me, and men are known to be slobs.

The medicine cabinet is hanging half open, and I reach out to close the door. Before I can close it all the way though, I notice Justin’s medication bottles sitting on the shelves in plain view…empty. Normally I wouldn’t care, but the fact that I just got them refilled the other day causes an alarm to go off inside of me. There’s no way he could have taken all those medications without having some serious side effects. So then where the hell did it all go? I turn around. I look in the toilet. There is a single pill floating around in the water. Is he fucking kidding? Did he honestly think that I wouldn’t check? That I wouldn’t notice? I swear to god…I should call Lynn right now…

I feel fucking sick to my stomach. Why did I have to look?

Wait.

I looked because its what he expects me not to do. He’s starting to think that I trust him too much to worry about little shit like this. Well, he’s mistaken. No, I wont call Lynn right now, but I’m going to let him know. I’m going to tell him that I know what’s going on and he’s an asshole if he thinks I’m going to stand for it.

“Mel! What are you doing? Eric’s waiting!”

I slap the medicine cabinet closed. I’m furious at him right now, but I know I need to calm down. I can’t confront him about this in the car, or act like there’s something wrong. I can’t let Eric get suspicious. I pretty much promised Justin I’d give him the benefit of the doubt until tonight, so that’s what I’m going to do.

“Melanie!”

I quickly run downstairs before he can come up and ask me what I’m doing in his room. He gives me a look as if to say “what the hell?”. But I just shrug and motion for him to follow me. We get into the car and while I feel uneasy, Justin doesn’t bring up the fact that I took forever. Actually, he and Eric get into a conversation as to what’s going to happen once we get to Best Buy. The memory of the house is easily forgotten by the both of them. But not by me. I’m still pissed off really pissed off about the pills, but I know its going to have to wait until later. Right now, Justin has a lot more to worry about than what I think.

I just hope I don’t end up screaming at him before this lovely trip comes to an end.

What kind of an idiot would semi take advantage of a good friend?

I guess that would be me.

I know it takes two to tango, or whatever the fuck they say. But Kerri’s a vulnerable girl, and I…I took advantage. I mean, I know she kissed me first and everything, but I could have just said ‘no’ and been done with it. But I went there. I deepened the kiss, got her naked. I was inches away from having sex with her…literally. It’s been way too long since I’ve had sex. I found that out the hard way. I swear, I had to jack off for a good hour before I got all that shit out of my system. I was cursing myself out the entire time too. No, I didn’t enjoy it. I’m not the type of guy that enjoys pleasuring himself. The whole thing is really fucked up. I mean, I swore I’d never do that kind of thing with Kerri. I know what happened between us was exactly the kind of shit that went down between her and Justin, and I’m so pissed at myself for allowing it to happen to her again. I know it could have been worse. I could have went all the way, but I’m not going to sit around and use that as my excuse. I’m not going to tell myself that “I didn’t have sex with her so it doesn’t matter.” That’s bullshit. It does matter.

It’s been over a week, and we‘ve barely spoken. I think that’s what’s really getting to me.

Of course work has kept her busy. Kerri’s been putting in some extra hours this week for a big event they have coming up. Next weekend KISS is having their annual Movies Rock event at the Kodak Theater. It‘s basically a bunch of rock stars singing old movie themes in front of a crowd of teenagers. I remember Justin was asked to do it at the beginning of last year, but he had album promotion going on so he couldn’t, not to mention the fact that he thought it was a lame idea. Even so, I know Kerri is excited about it, despite the fact that she hasn‘t discussed it with me. Tarin‘s been filling me in, because she cares and she knows that I worry about how Kerri‘s doing at work. Tarin told me I shouldn’t worry. She’s organizing the whole thing apparently, so she’s going to take Kerri under her wing and keep her away from some of the bitchier interns that work at the station. I’m happy for her. She’ll learn a lot, and well…I guess I’m hoping it will make her forget about some things too.

Do I truly regret what happened? Mostly yes, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t. It fulfilled a lot of the curiosity I had about Kerri I guess. It’s horrible to say, but I’d always wanted to see her naked. I feel like a fucking pig. But she’s beautiful. She really is. If I could have her, I’d have her in every way possible. If I could love her…I’d do it with my whole heart. But I know I can’t. I know I couldn’t handle her, and she’s just not ready . She fell into our kissing…whatever it was, like it wasn’t an issue. I know she was pushing herself to do it. Especially after, when she told me she was afraid she was going to lose me. It made my heart sink, because I knew that she had a reason for getting into bed with me then. It wasn’t about me…that she liked me or anything. No, she just took notice to Tarins ‘thing’ for me, and it scared her. I didn’t push her for details. I’m assuming Kerri read Tarins note that first day at the station. I don’t blame her. I shouldn’t have expected her not to look at it. Although, that note hadn’t said much…just asked her to hang out on the weekend.

But Kerri’s not a moron.

I’m not going to deny it. Tarin’s a great girl, and I guess I forced myself to push her out of my mind after we split up because I knew how strenuous long distance relationships could be. The moment I stepped into the office that day to pull strings for Kerri’s job, I remembered how much I used to like her, and how much I missed her when we were forced to split up. And I pissed her off that first week that Kerri started. She thought I was a manipulative asshole that had conned her into getting Kerri a job. But we talked on the phone a few times, and then I met her for lunch one day. It was nice. We went to this little diner around the corner from the radio station. Tarin told me Kerri didn’t know where she was, and I told her it was probably better that way.

“Are you guys having issues?” she’d asked, as she stirred some sugar into her coffee.

I could feel my face turn slightly red, and I had to take a deep breath so I wouldn’t give myself away. “No, no…we’re okay. You know, she’s just under a lot of pressure right now and stuff. It’ll work out.” I’m a really terrible liar too. Justin can hold me to that. My face turns red and I stutter, and that moment with Tarin was no different. “It’s just hard. We’ve both been through a lot, and sometimes…I don’t know…we can be shitty to each other.”

“That’s how relationships work, Trace,” she told me, with a reassuring smile. “You might fight, but at the end of the day you almost always realize how much you care about the other person. That’s the most important thing.”

It was the strangest thing to me at the time. She was talking about Kerri like she and I had some kind of intimiate relationship going on. I didn’t understand why. I mean, I had told Tarin that Kerri was a good friend and shit…but I never thought I’d implied that we were dating. That was the last thing I would have implied actually. “Tarin…” I’d laugh a little nervously. “What are you talkin’ about?”

She gave me a dumb look, like I was the one that was confusing her. “Well… Kerri is your girlfriend. I thought I’d give you some advice or whatever.” She looked down at her coffee. “Sorry.”

“Girlfriend?” It was the only word I could seem to get out, because I was literally floored. My first thought was that, for whatever reason, Kerri had broken down and told Tarin what had gone between us in my bedroom. I felt sick. I didn’t want her to know. “She’s not my girlfriend,” I’d whispered, seriously.

She shook her head. “You don’t have to deny it for my sake Trace. It’s really not…”

“Tarin,” I’d interrupted her, a little angrily. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Well one of you is confused then,” she’s laughed a little and shook her head. “Because Kerri seems to think that’s exactly who she is.”

“What?”

“Last week I…I just asked Kerri what your status was with her, that’s all. When I got your note it sounded like you know…you wanted to hang out with me.” She licked her lips, and her face turned a light shade of pink. She was obviously embarrassed that she was being forced to divulge her intentions with me, but I think I was too shocked to focus on that then. “She said that you were working out your problems. That you were dating and stuff. So I backed off.”

My mouth must have hung open for about ten minutes. I couldn’t believe that Kerri would have said something like that, especially to Tarin. It was then that I understood why she’d been so ‘afraid’ of losing me. Tarin must have been giving Kerri the idea that she liked me or something. It made my emotions flare. What I really wanted to do was wait until Kerri got out of work so I could scream at her. But at the same time I knew I couldn’t do that. We’d done the unthinkable in my bed, and hadn’t been speaking much since. Springing a tantrum on her, I knew, would seriously fuck her up. But I didn’t really know what else to do. I felt betrayed…hurt. I’d never stood in the way of her and Justin doing their thing. Sure I’d been against it…but I never interfered. That’s not what a friend does. But Kerri obviously felt it was okay to lie to Tarin, so she’d still be able to have me all to herself.

And for once, I wasn’t going to play it safe for Kerri’s sake. I didn’t care how mentally unbalanced she was. This time, it was about me.

“Don’t listen to anything Kerri says when it comes to me and her,“ I’d said softly, regretfully. “Believe me, I’m single.” I’d grasped her hand quickly, which shocked her I guess because her head snapped up right away. “And I want to take you to dinner.”

She slowly slid her hand out from mine, and shot me a confused glance. “I don’t know, Trace. I mean, why would Kerri lie? I’ll admit, I haven’t been overly nice to her or anything when it comes to work and getting her familiar with things. But I can tell she’s a nice girl, and she seems to care about you a lot.”

I had to laugh a little. I hated throwing Kerri under the bus, but Tarin was my friend. Somebody that I’d been able to trust and confide in at one point in my life. Somebody I probably would have fallen completely in love with, if it hadn’t been for our hectic schedules. And Kerri…Tarin didn’t even know the half of her story. She didn’t know how manipulative Kerri could be when she wanted to get her way. She didn’t know that she’d tell you she loved you one minute and then ditch you when something better came along. I…I hated to admit that to myself. I got choked up and shit. But I knew I was right. I knew…I knew that if Justin hadn’t been such a fucking asshole she would have been living with him, not giving a damn about me, and I would have been alone. I had to accept it.

And I did.

“You don’t know her like I do,” I whispered. “She’s a great girl, you know? I’ll always love her…she’s like family to me, Tar. But at the same time she’s got so many issues she doesn’t know how to react when…when somebody else has decided to move on.” I looked into her eyes and I could tell she knew exactly what had happened. That she’d been lied to so she’d stay away from me. She’d frowned, and at first I thought she was pissed off at me. But then she took my hand again, and I knew she was only angry because she’d accepted the truth.

“I can’t believe she’d do that,” she’d scoffed. “What the hell, Trace? You get the girl a job, you take care of her, and this is how she repays you? If I were you, I’d throw her out of the house…”

“No,” I’d interrupted her quickly and shook my head. “It’s not that deep. I…I understand why she did what she did, okay?” Was I protecting Kerri again? Maybe a little, but I knew that throwing her out of my house and telling her she was on her own was out of the question. Kerri may have fucked up…again, but she still didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from me. I’d promised her that I’d help her until she didn’t need me to anymore, and I wasn’t going break that promise. That’s not how I treat my friends…even though they’ve all treated me that way at some point. “It’s just…she’s insecure, and she‘s been through entirely too much. If she doesn’t have me, she doesn’t have anybody.”

“And you need a life too,” she’d said, without much emotion. “If I had known all of this in the beginning I wouldn’t have even hired her.”

I’d smiled. “I know.”

“You’re such a jerk.”

The subject changed after that, but only because I forced it to. She tried to bring Kerri up a couple of more times of course, but I told her I would handle it. I told her that all I really wanted to do then, was talk to her…tell her some stuff I’d been thinking over every time we’d get off the phone. And I did.

“Look, Tarin..it’s been awhile,” I’d whispered, looking into her eyes. “And I guess I’ve just been so bombarded with all this crazy shit that I haven’t had the chance to stop and remember us. But lately…lately I have.” I looked down at the table and laughed softly. “Just come out with me Saturday night, okay?”

“What if I do?,” she’d asked me. “And we’re out having a great time, and then Kerri calls you crying because she’s lonely or some stupid shit. Are you going to run out on me, Trace? Because I’m not going to put up with that. I…I have a few guys that have been dying to get a date with me this week and I’ve turned them all down. I mean yeah, I guess I’ve been holding out for you or something. But right now I don’t know…maybe I shouldn’t…maybe I…”

I’d silenced her with a kiss. I knew she’d wanted it, and hell…I really wanted it too. When I broke it off, she hadn’t slapped me or yelled at me like I’d thought she would have. She just sort of stared, and then she smiled at me a little bit.

“So that’s a yes then?,” I’d laughed. “Is seven o’clock okay?”

She threw a sugar packet at me. “If you’re late I’m never giving you another chance.”

That was Tuesday afternoon. I’d picked Kerri up from work that night, but I hadn’t been able to say anything to her about what I’d found out. She looked so exhausted, as she’d gotten out of work at eight o’clock instead of five because of all the planning that was going on. I didn’t want to burden her with more stress. I got her some take out instead, asked her if she needed to talk. She said no, we ate in front of the TV, and then we both went to bed. Now it’s Friday night and I haven’t even attempted to tell her that I have a date tomorrow night, and that I’ll be leaving her here alone, for the first time since she moved in with me. I confess, I feel like crap about that, but at the same time I wouldn’t pass up a chance to have a night on the town with Tarin for anything.

“How was it today?”

She sits down in front of the computer and moves the mouse around a little bit. “Busy.”

“Hey.” I rest my hands on the end of the computer desk and stick my face in front o f hers. “I kind of need to talk to you.”

She pushes me away gently. “I kind of have some stuff I need to do.”

“Kerri, I know what you’re doing,” I whisper. “You can’t avoid me forever.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to, Trace,” she grunts. “I need to be able to have some sort of control over my sanity.”

Her comment reminds me of the fact that she lied to Tarin. I suck in a breath. “Yeah. I can see that. You tend to find the best way possible to keep the reality in the back of your mind.”

She doesn’t look at me. “You kissed me too, you know. Don’t blame this whole confusing thing on me, like you always tend to do.”

“I never blame shit on you,” I snap at her, and it gets her to look at me this time. “And I wasn’t even talking about….that, anyway.”

“Right.”

She goes back to her computer like it doesn’t even matter to her. Any other time I’d feel bad, and apologize…tell her I was wrong. But I wont do that right now. I‘m too angry, and I’m tired of taking what she says and turning it into a positive thing when it‘s really not. “Just so you know,” I start up again. “The next time you decide that you and I are a couple, could you let me know? I need to pencil it in on my fucking planner.” I’m so disgusted with her at this point that I don’t wait for her lame response. I just walk into the kitchen and grab a beer…something that’s been nonexistent in my house since Kerri has come to stay. This week I didn’t care though. I figured she needed to learn to control herself, and since it was my house I was entitled to have a beer or two if I wanted.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I sip my beer and look over at her. She’s standing in the archway now, a look of complete surprise on her face. She knows I’ve figured her out…I know her fucking little secret. How stupid does she think I am? “Don’t play dumb, Kerri,” I laugh. “Did you think Tarin wouldn’t tell me? Did you honestly think you intimidated her to the point where she wouldn’t talk to me anymore?”

She knows exactly what’s going on now, not that she didn’t before…but she’s admitting defeat now. The look of surprise has replaced itself with a look of utter embarrassment. “I was afraid.”

“You’re turning into Justin,” I tell her, and I guzzle the rest of the beer before throwing the bottle into the garbage. “A manipulative, lying, little asshole. And you parade around and act like everybody else is the one with the problem…that you’re just poor little confused Kerri, and the world owes you something.”

“Trace….”

“No.” I have to suck in a breath to keep from hollering at her. “This is it Ker. I’m done with you and your little mind games. I mean, I said I’d help you and I am. You can stay here, you don’t have to worry about anything like that. And if you need something, yeah I’ll be here for you. But I’m not sacrificing my free time and my chances at possible relationships for you anymore. I…I can’t. It’s just not fair to me.” I step toward her, and she shrinks back into the living room, sobbing as she sits down on the couch. I refuse to hug her or anything like that right now. She brought this on herself, and she’s going to have to deal with it. “I can’t believe you’d tell her we were together,” I chuckle once I enter the living room again. “After how you pushed so hard for me to not have those kind of feelings for you. You need fucking help Kerri. Serious fucking mental help.” I’m not helping anything right now. No, I’m not yelling at her…but I am degrading her. I need to just stop and leave her alone to think about things. I’m just so angry though…and I want her to know that.

But she’s crying so hard right now. Harder than I realized. It takes everything in me to keep standing here and not run to her side so I can baby her. “Stop crying,” I finally say. “Just stop.”

“You’re all I have!” She screams at me. “I told you that! I’m…I’m sorry I lied, Trace! I didn’t know what else to do!”

“It was fucking selfish.”

She doesn’t answer.

I think for a few minutes. I try to conjure up some kind of logical idea that will calm us both down. I know we can’t keep going like this…not right now. It’s unhealthy. Kerri will suffer and so will I. Maybe…

Oh god.

I think of Elisha for the first time in forever. Not in a sexual way, just as…I know she’s somebody I can call that will give a damn about Kerri right now. “How about you go to Elisha’s for a couple of days, Ker? I think it would be good for you to get away.”

“You just want to fuck your new girlfriend.”

That’s it. She’s a god damn mess. “I’m calling,” I snap at her. “This is ridiculous.”

“You said I could stay!” she sobs, as I dial. “Trace!”

I click the phone off, and rub my face with my hands. “You can,” I say, my voice strangely calm. “But I think right now, it’s the best thing for you to get out of this house for the weekend.”

“You mean it’s the best thing for you.”

She’s right. It’s the first logical thing she’s said all day and that shocks me. “Maybe.”

“You hate me.”

I click the phone back on. “I don’t hate you. It’s just…this kind of thing has gone on for too long, all right? I love you, you know that. But we can’t do this anymore.” I dial and raise the phone to my ear, keeping my gaze locked on her in case she decides to say anything else. She doesn’t though. She just sits there, staring out into space…almost like she’s in a trance. It gives me chills and I nearly hang up and go over to see if she’s going to be okay. But then I hear Elisha’s voice, and I can’t focus on Kerri anymore.

“Ker!,” she says happily, obviously thinking it’s her that’s called and not me. “Are you finally going to come out with us?”

“Hey,” I say softly, like I’ve said to her so many times before.

“Trace?”

A silence comes over the line, and I throw another look back at Kerri before going into the next room to talk to my ex girlfriend. She’s still sitting there, same dazed look on her face. Fuck…what did I do? “Yeah, it’s me.” I close myself in my bedroom and sit down on the bed. “I just need to talk to you for a minute.”

“Sure,” she says, uneasily. “What…whats wrong? Are you okay?”

It almost makes me smile to think that she still cares a little bit, but I quickly shrug the thought away. This isn’t about me right now, as much as I wish it were. “I’m fine. I just need to ask you a favor. It’s…it’s about Kerri so I figured you’d understand.”

“What’s going on?,” she asks, the worry in her voice growing with each word. “Did something happen? She’s okay isn’t she?”

“Yeah she’s okay, it’s nothing that bad,” I tell her. “I was just wondering if she could stay at your place for the weekend. We’ve been getting too much of each other, you know? And I know she can trust you…” I pause and sigh. “I know I can trust you too.”

She tells me that she just got out of the shower but she’ll be over as soon as she can throw some clothes on. I hang up after that, feeling a large part of the stress I had built up inside leave me. That’s the good thing about Elisha. She’s really dependable, and if she cares about you, she’ll drop everything for you in a second if she means she can help. Yeah, I know our relationship pretty much fell apart. Actually, this is the first time I’ve talked to her in a long time. The first time…I’ve felt comfortable doing it. I’ve been treating her communication with Kerri as a bad thing up until now. I don’t know why. I was being selfish then I guess. I kept thinking about how my relationship with Elisha was over and I couldn’t get it back. It upset me. But now I’m over it. Maybe Elisha and I could even be friends again one day. Yeah…that would be nice.

I go back out there, not because I want to but because I know I have to. But she’s not sitting on the couch anymore. “Kerri.” I listen for her to respond but she never does. I sigh and search the six rooms of my condo, calling out to her. She’s nowhere to be found though. I almost start to panic, but then I realize she might have gone outside, and I need to keep myself calm if I’m going to go out and look for her. I go out to the driveway, and she’s not hanging around by the cars or by the neighbors cars. I call her name again, trying not to be too loud, and of course she doesn’t answer me. I walk down to the pool…no luck. Then I walk down to the tennis courts, and that’s where I find her. She’s just sitting there, next to the net, head in her hands. For the first time I look at her and I realize I don’t completely understand her anymore. I used to…I really used to. There was a time when I thought I was more in sync with her than Justin was, but then all this shit happened…and it’s not that way anymore. She loves me, but I think it’s more of a needful kind of love than anything else. When she first came here, I didn’t care. I was still so fucked up from being alone and cut off from Justin and shit that I didn’t know how else to react to her being here. I just needed her then, I figured I was in love with her and I didn’t care what I had to do. But now…now I realize I’m more separated from her private drama than I cared to realize in the past. I stare at her, and I realize I have no clue what runs through her mind at any given moment.

I don’t think there’s a person in the world that does. And that includes Justin.

I open the gate, and walk over to her. She doesn’t look up at me though, she just continues to sit there. I sit down in front of her, but I don’t say anything. For once I’ll wait for her. I realize I never give her that opportunity. I don’t give her the opportunity to do a lot of things on her own. I just do it all for her. Yeah, it’s what she wants, but its not what she needs.

“I can’t say anything,” she croaks out. “There’s nothing to say.”

“That’s fine.” It’s deadly quiet then. She looks like she’s struggling with herself, but I’m not going to sit here and try to pry her feelings out of her like always. I wont touch her either. No…no something is telling me that right now isn’t the time for that.

“You know, when you told me…about Lynn, I…I was so jealous.” She laughs loudly and that scares me, but I don’t interrupt her. “Because I know that you’ll go back to him, and he won’t hold anything against you, Trace.”

She‘s talking about Justin, and that‘s definitely not a subject I‘m willing to get into right now. “Kerri, we shouldn’t be talking about this right now,” I say quickly. “Let’s just go inside, okay. Come…”

“No!”

I freeze. She has a wild look in her eyes, like she’s finally been pushed to her limit, and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

“You don’t understand.” She sobs for awhile, before she can gain enough control to continue. “I want to hate him…I want to hate him but I can’t fucking hate him! I should…,” she shakes her head and pushes the hair out of her face. “But I can’t. I can’t hate him.”

Something about this is so weird. She hasn’t willingly brought Justin up in months, and it’s freaking me out that she would mention all of this so randomly. It could be because of me…because I told her I was going to see Lynn, but at the same time I know that anytime the subject of Justin is brought up, Kerri tends to pretend it doesn’t bother her. Hell maybe it’s me, maybe I’ve pushed her to the edge tonight. But I know she’s tired of me, and I’m fucking tired of her. It’s for the best that she‘s going to Elisha‘s, and I’m sure she’ll wake up tomorrow and realize that. “Ker, you’re not making sense…” I trail off and even though I don’t want to, I shift a little closer to her. “Why Justin? Why now?”

“I dunno,” she mutters, and rubs her face with her hands. “I’m just tired of it, Trace.”

“Tired of what?”

Then she looks at me. I can barely recognize her in this moment, because she’s let it all out. All the drama and fatigue and sickness that’s been plaguing her. She looks exhausted, sick, and ready to collapse, like she’s been holding so much in for so long that she’s not capable of doing it anymore. “Everything.”

“Then get help,” I say seriously. “Like I always tell you to.”

Suddenly the pain in her face seems to retreat back to the place it came from. “Yeah,” she nods. “I know.” She pushes herself to her feet then, and starts to walk away.

I know now that she was probably about to tell me something, and me being an asshole acted like I didn’t care. Fuck. “Ker just wait a second.” I catch up to her before she can get out of the gate. “Is there something else?”

She turns to me, her eyes flooded with tears. This isn’t Kerri…this is somebody else. She’s never been this bad around me before. I think what happened between us sort of set her off, but I’m not going to blame myself or feel guilty. It happened, and I know that we can still be mature about it. “I can’t tell you,” she whispers.

“You can tell me anything. Come on Kerri..I…things are fucked up right now but I’m still here,” I reassure her. “We’ve always told each other everything.”

“Do you know how bad I wish I could say something?,” she says, her voice trembling. “It will make things worse if I do.”

I shake my head. “How much worse can things get?” My cell phone starts to ring, and I know it’s probably Elisha wondering where the hell we are, but I don’t want to answer. Something is telling me that whatever Kerri’s hiding is really really important, and it’s killing her inside. I just want to grab her, shake her, and force her to tell me what’s going on. But I know that won’t solve anything.

“You should answer that,” she whispers.

“I want you to tell me,” I tell her sternly. “It’s important.”

She shakes her head. “I can’t.”

I sigh harshly. “Well what the fuck Kerri?”

She stares at me.

“Fine.” I pull the cell phone out of my pocket, which is on it’s third call back, and I flip it open. “Sorry, Elisha…we went for a walk.” She tells me that we nearly scared the shit out of her, and I reassure her that we’ll be right up, before flipping the phone closed. “Kerri I…” I pause. I make a decision right then and there. She’s turning into a mental case, and she’s not going to be able to keep a job or move on with her life unless she makes a complete turn over. “I can’t have you living here with me…unless you’re going to try and get help.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Think about that over the weekend.” I hate being a bastard, but I guess she really angered me when she pulled that shit about Justin and what she couldn’t’ tell me right now. It leaves me with too many questions that I don’t have answers to, and I really hate that. We walk back to the condo in silence. I even walk ahead of her a little bit so I don’t have to listen to her whimpering. I hate myself for doing it too…but I know this is the only way I’m going to get through to her.

“You guys scared the crap out of me!” Elisha says, once we reach my condo again. It’s apparent she’s been waiting by my door for awhile now, very impatiently. “What the hell?”

“Sorry.” I kiss her on the cheek quickly. “Kerri’s just gotta get clothes and then you’ll be all set.”

“Hun what’s wrong?” Elisha rushes to Kerri’s side, when she notices what kind of shape she’s in. She pulls her closer and rubs her back a little. Kerri finally gives in, and starts sobbing into her. “Trace, what’s wrong with her?”

Usually I’d say she wasn’t feeling well or she’d had a hard day at work…anything to cover up for the real truth. But I’m tired of lying. The whole Kerri/Tarin thing has made me see how bad it really is and I don’t want that kind of shit happening in my life anymore. “She needs help and she wont get it. There’s nothing I can do if she’s going to cry and not tell me what her problem is.”

“What the hell is your problem?” Elisha snaps at me as I open the door.

I walk inside, and don’t answer, hoping she’ll just drop it. But of course, being the persistant person she is, she won’t.

“Trace this girl is a mess! Tell me what’s going on or I’m not taking her anywhere!”

I turn to her, and feel my composure slip away. I‘m angry now, and I don’t care who knows it. “You want to know what’s wrong with her, Elisha? Then you fucking talk to her! Because she’s not talking to me anymore, she’s just turning crazier every damn day. I can’t take it!”

Kerri runs into her room after that, and slams the door behind her. That leaves me with a less than friendly looking Elisha standing in front of me, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

“Ya know Trace, I really thought that you were a mess before she came back,” she says softly, taking a seat at my bar. “It’s one of the biggest reasons I pushed so hard for her to come back here and stay with you. I knew she didn’t want to be with her parents, anymore than you wanted to be here alone.” She shakes her head, and lets out a sad laugh. “Now you can see how bad she is, and you want nothing to do with her anymore. You just want to shove her off on somebody else, because you’ve found something better to do with your time.”

I ball my fists at my sides and clench my teeth because I don’t want to have a full out tantrum in front of Elisha right now. It’s bad enough that we don’t speak, and I don’t want to give her the impression that I’ve turned into a bastard. “We messed around. We shouldn’t have. It’s probably part of the problem.” I’m shocked I told her, but then again this is the woman I used to tell all of my secrets to.

“Wait…” she gets up off the bar stool and places her hands on her hips. “You had sex?,” she whispers, probably so Kerri won’t hear.

“No, not exactly.” I shake my head rapidly. “I mean…we could have but…”

“Trace!”

“I know!”

“Oh my god.” She slaps a hand to her forehead. “I can’t believe this.”

“Elisha.” I shuffle over to her, and grab her hand, pleadingly. “Please…you gotta help me.”

She sighs, and stares at me, sternly at first, but then it changes to a look of sympathy. “You know better. You know what happened with her and Justin.”

“I know,” I say. “It just…it just happened, okay? I never said I was proud of it. But she’s been a mess besides all of that. She’s seriously fucked up, and she won’t get herself help. I’ve tried. I got her a shrink…I did everything I could. But she’s just, I dunno…terrified of talking to anybody.” I shake my head. I feel horrible, like I’m throwing Kerri under the bus when I shouldn’t be. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m hoping that maybe Elisha will have some good advice, because I’m pretty much out of ideas. “Just tonight she was about to tell me something, and then she just …decided not to. I can’t deal with that. She needs help.” I feel the tears now, and damn it…I didn’t want to be doing this tonight. “She needs help, Elisha.”

Elisha nods, very slowly. And then out of nowhere, she pulls me into a hug. It feels good, and I realize that I’ve missed her friendship, even though I was angry at her for a long time. “I’m sorry,” I sob into her as she holds me. “I’ve tried everything I know with Kerri. I love her, but I can’t do this anymore.”

After a little while she pulls back and looks at me again, seriously this time. “I know a place,” she whispers. “But she’s going to have to want to go. Nobody can force her.”

“What do you mean a place?,” I question her, suspiciously. “Kerri can’t be put into some sort of mental hospital. She wouldn’t make it in there.”

“It’s not like that,” she reassures me. “It’s just a place she can go where she’ll be with people that have been through…the kind of thing she has. I think…I think she needs that. I think she needs to be separated from all of this and put into a place where people aren’t going to analyze her. I think that’s why going to a shrink freaks her out so much Trace. She doesn’t want to be judged or told ‘this is what’s wrong’. Justin got lucky…his shrink clicked with him. It’s a lot harder for Kerri, Trace. She’s never been that personable, from what she’s told me. I think…I think for years you and Justin were the only two people that could even relate to her”

It amazes me that Elisha can analyze Kerri like that. She hasn’t known her all that long, but she’s basically just hit the marker. But of course, I always told the girl that she could have been a psycho therapist. “That’s great and all,” I say lightly. “But if I couldn’t get her to go to a shirnk, I really don’t think I can get her to check out this place.”

“You won’t have to. My friend is up there right now, I was actually planning on going to visit her this weekend. I’ll take Kerri along.”

It sounds great, but I know it’s not going to work. Kerri’s so stubborn, and messed up, I just can’t see her willingly going to a place like that. “Nah, don’t worry about it. It’ll be okay…”

“Stop it.” Elisha says angrily. “Don’t try to make an excuse because you’re scared of what might happen, Trace. You said you’re out of options, and I’m giving you an option.”

“What about her job?” I say, panicked. “She can’t lose her job now.”

“She won’t. The whole purpose of this place is to live your life normally on outside, and when you come home…you’re just going to a place where you feel safe, and comfortable. You can come and go when you want to. And when you’re ready to leave you just…leave.” She smiles at me a little. “I know it will work. I’ve actually been meaning to bring it up to her, I just…I didn’t know when the right time would be.” She pats my shoulder and walks past me. “I’m going to help her pack.”

For a minute I think, yeah…shes’ right. It’s going to be good for Kerri. She’ll get better. But then I remember how scared she is of strangers and being alone. I just…I don’t know what I’d do if she had some kind of mental breakdown because I wasn’t’ around for her. I couldn’t live with that. I frantically dig up an excuse..anything I can think of that will nix this little plan. “But she wont be able to get to work,” I call after her.

“Yes she will.” She smiles, as she reaches Kerri’s door. “She’ll drive. It‘s only a half hour away.”

It’s not something I like to bring up but, Kerri is absolutely terrified of driving now that she had her accident, although nothing else is stopping her from doing it. Her leg with the limp isn’t the leg she’d need to drive with. She still feels really badly that she totaled my SUV too, even though I keep telling her I was about to trade that car in anyway. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little bit afraid of her getting behind the wheel again too. “She’s afraid,” I say, pathetically.

“She’s afraid of everything at the moment,” she scoffs. “If it’s that big of a deal, just bring to her to work and back yourself. Unless,” she pauses and glares at me. “That’s too much trouble for you.”

I roll my eyes. “You know its not.”

“Good, then it’s settled,” she nods. “If Kerri decides she wants to do this, you’ll drive her to work and back everyday, and if you decide you want her to stay here one night…that’s totally up to you.” She sighs. “I’m going in there now, so just…I don’t know, go relax. Take a shower or something. I’ll let you know when we’re leaving.”

She goes into Kerri’s room and closes the door before I can say anything else. I can hear them begin to converse quietly. Quietly enough where I can’t quite make out what they’re saying. It’s wrong of me to pry of course. Elisha told me the plan and I guess I should follow it. Getting Kerri into this place would probably be good for her. Of course I don’t know all the details about it, but that shouldn’t really matter. The person who’s opinion about that place matters is Kerri’s because she’s the person that has to live there. I sit down on the couch, and feel myself begin to tremble. Kerri won’t be living here if she decides to do this. It’s what I implied that I wanted, and deep down…I know I need that space. But I’m so scared for her. Those people don’t know her like I do. They don’t know how to handle here if she goes out of her skull, if she wakes up crying in the middle of the night. They can’t hold her and stroke her hair like I can…they don’t know what to say to make it all go away for just a little while….

But the whole point of Kerri going is so she doesn’t need to depend on me anymore right?

Shit.

I get into the shower and sob my way through it, hoping the sound of the water will drown out any sounds of my crying. It does me some good. When I get out I feel a lot more refreshed, and a little less tense. “Elisha.” I call out, and wipe some of the condensation off of the mirror with a towel.

“We’re waiting on you, Trace.” She calls back.

I wait to hear a response from Kerri too, telling me to hurry up in that non chalant tone of hers. But when she doesn’t answer, I know that she’s still upset. The fact that there’s something seriously wrong with her has taken its toll, and after tonight I know nothing is going to be the same. Yeah, if all goes well she’ll let Elisha talk her into getting this help for herself, and we’ll both be able to live our lives a little bit better. But I can’t lie and say I wont miss having her around. Sure I’ll get to see her, but I doubt our trips to work and back will be very pleasant. She’s going to be pissed at me for sending her away like this…like I gave up. But I’m not giving up…

She just needs help.

I get dressed and finally rejoin my friends in my living room. Kerri is in her pajamas, backpack slung on one shoulder, suitcase in hand. She’s pale, and when I look into her eyes, she doesn’t react. She just looks right through me, and I think she hates me. “Kerri I’m sorry,” I say. “I don’t know what else to do.”

She looks at the floor. “It’s fine,” she cracks. “It’s better this way.”

I look at Elisha. “You told her about the place?”

Elisha sighs. “We talked about it,” and she nudges Kerri gently. “Tell him what you told me.”

Kerri looks up at me, this time a little more held together. “It’s a good idea.”

She’s lying. “Don’t go if you don’t want to go,” I say. “I just thought it would be good for you to check it out. You don’t have to make a decision tonight.”

“And if I don’t decide tonight, what then?,” Kerri mutters. “I’m just going to come back here and things are going to stay the same. I can’t get worse, Trace. I need to get my life back and I guess I’ve been too stubborn to do anything about it, even when you went out of your way to make everything okay. I need to do this. I can‘t saddle you with all of this stuff anymore. You know what happened with Tarin…that’s not me, Trace. I hate the person I’m becoming. I--I don’t want to be like him.” She physically shudders.

Elisha shoots me a confused glance, but I don’t feel like getting into what I said to Kerri earlier. Instead, I walk over to Kerri and put my hands on her shoulders. “I didn’t mean to say that,” I whisper and kiss her forehead.

She nods, but quickly backs away from me. “Bye, Trace.”

Without looking back, she takes the car keys from Elisha and walks out the door. Elisha calls out that she’ll be down in a minute, and when Kerri doesn’t respond, I know that she’s really gone. It’s a weird feeling. I keep telling myself that it’s just for the weekend, but then I remember that it’s probably not. In all likelyhood she’s going to move into this ‘place’ and stay there for awhile. It’s for the best. But I feel like I’m letting her down. I was supposed to be the one that made everything better for her, and now she has to go somewhere else for it to be done. I shouldn’t be thinking so negative, I know. I know she needs to distance herself from everything if she wants to get better. But hell, I tried to distance myself from Justin and Kerri and all I could do was come crawling back.

Maybe I’m just not as strong as Kerri is.

But then again, I wasn’t held at gunpoint. That can change a person.

“Are you going to be okay?,” Elisha speaks up.

I look over at her after a moment or two of staring out into space. “I wanted this for her. So I better be.”

“I’ll bring her home Sunday night,” she says. “I’m sure she’ll have already made her decision by then, and if she wants to go to the place we’ll drive her up there together…okay?”

“Yeah.” I don’t know what else to say.

“Trace.”

And I look up at her.

“You shouldn’t feel guilty. You brought her this far. Far enough to consider getting some real help away from you. Nobody could put you down for that.” She smiles a little, and grabs her purse. “I’ll make sure we call you tomorrow. Just try and get some sleep tonight, all right?”

“Okay.” I force a small smile and wave as she closes the door behind her. I don’t really understand what I just did, or how it’s going to effect Kerri’s life. I know I can’t say anything to anybody about this. As far as the radio station is concerned, Kerri is still living with me. And Lynn…I certaintly can’t fill her in. But what about Kerri’s parents? Are they supposed to know? I guess I’ll leave that up to Kerri. It’s not like her life is in danger or anything. She just needs help. And hopefully she’ll get it in that place.

I feel like another beer so I go to the fridge. I end up just taking the whole six pack out, and I sit on the couch with it. I pop open the first one, and sort of melt away. By the end of the sixth I’m just starting to feel out of it, and so I sit there and let my mind wander…hoping that it will take me far, far away from here.

“So it’s Shane, right?”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t look me directly in the eye. “S-H-A-N-E.”

“Cool.” I glance over the application. He’s worked odd jobs here and there, mostly construction work on big buildings in inner cities. My roster is nearly full but Ben told me I need to find ten more guys. This guy seems pretty qualified. “How do you feel about working ten or more hours a day, Shane?”

His eyes seem to light up at the thought of it. “That would be great.”

I smile. He’s the first one that hasn’t really groaned at the aspect of that kind of schedule. “It’s a lot of climbing rigging and shit, are you good at that?”

“I’m good at a lot of things,” he smiles.

He seems genuine enough, and hell I don’t have enough time to run a background check on all of these guys. I smile at him, and stick out my hand. “Well, welcome,” I smile and he shakes my hand. “When can you start?”

“Whenever boss.” He sits back and crosses his arms. “Just tell me when and where. I‘m pretty dedicated.”

“Shit.” My eyes fly open. I’m sweating, and unable to catch my breath. I look all around me. It was a dream, just a dream. “Shit.” I rub my face with my hands.

Yeah, it still plagues me. And I’ve never told anybody how vividly I’ve come to remember that interview, and all the times I saw that bastard backstage…just staring, with that little smile on his face. I still ask myself why I didn’t push to get him investigated. If I’d just said something to Johnny…I’m sure they would have at least questioned the guy. I was just too afraid that somebody would deem me ‘crazy’, and I knew Justin would have wantd to know why I felt that way about one of ‘his’ employees. I know I was irresponsible, but to this day I’m still battling with the question of whether or not Shane was my fault.

And I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer.

*************

“Can we just take a break today?”

“Nope.” She pulls up on her right leg and stretches out her muscle. “Don’t get like that on me now, Justin. We’ve been doing good this week. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, and you don’t look like the waking dead.” She flashes me a playful smile and starts to jog in place. “If we keep at this who knows? You might end up having a real personality or something.”

“Cute, Mel.”

When Melanie mentioned that she and I would be getting off to a ‘fresh start’, I had no idea that it would entail a five am wake up call everyday, or a two mile run around my neighborhood. I was reluctant at first of course. The first day when she shook me awake and threw my curtains open, I had no problem barking at her to get the hell out of my room. Then she got pissed, asked me if I remembered what we had talked about the night before, and I sort of mellowed. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and ran over in my head what we’d gone over the previous night. I wasn’t’ supposed to be giving her an attitude anymore, because she wasn’t going to tell my mom that I’d been a bad boy and flushed most of my depression medication down the toilet. It made sense to me then. I knew I should have been thankful she was standing there at all, regardless of what time it was. I remember forcing a smile for her, until she told me to cut the crap and put on some jogging clothes.

“Jogging clothes?,” I’d muttered.

But she’d just gone downstairs.

Every morning since then, its been the same routine. She wakes me up, I get dressed, shove some cereal into my mouth, and then we go outside. For the first week Melanie was thoughtful. She kept the whole exercise routine limited to my yard, which isn’t exactly the smallest place in the world. But last week things changed. She said it was time that I started getting out a little bit everyday. Of course, her idea scared the living shit out of me. But for the first time I found myself keeping my feelings hidden from her. It wasn’t because I didn’t want her to rat me out to my mom, surprisingly. No, it was more because I guess…I just didn’t want to disappoint her. I was tired of making her think I was this weak little piece of shit. I wanted to start feeling more like the strong willed, powerful guy that I used to be, and I figured the first step to doing that was to stop being afraid of stupid shit. Yeah the world is fucking scary, but I knew I didn’t want to be a hermit for the rest of my life. And I guess…I really wanted Mel to stick around too.

I didn’t realize how hard it would be to start running again. It slipped my mind I guess, because up until now I’ve been sort of preoccupied with other thoughts. That first morning was terrible. I got a pain in my side within the first hour and I had to stop and rest. Melanie didn’t get mad though…if anything she seemed to understand why I was so out of synch, and I was grateful for that. She made it a point to make sure we stretched afterwards, and she told me that it was going to take some time to start feeling like I used to about running again and shit. I asked her if she doubled as a personal trainer, then she laughed and said no…but that she knew what it was like to let yourself go like I had. I didn’t really get it. But, I didn’t push the subject with her either. Sometimes I think I should have but…I’m kind of afraid. While I want to get to know Melanie really well, there’s this part of me that’s begging me not to. A part of me that’s telling me it’ll be safer if we just keep our relationship professional. Like, she’s here to do her job, and I’m here to get back to my life. I’d listen…I would…

But she’s the only friend I have right now.

Mel sat down with me yesterday afternoon and asked me about Madison. At first I was kind of clueless as to how she knew about her, but then I thought about it, and figured my mom probably filled her in. I told her that I hadn’t been by her office in awhile, but that it was okay. Then she told me my mom had been bringing up the subject of me getting back into going. I didn’t like that, and I made it clear to Melanie that I didn’t. She seemed to get it, not without getting a little pissy with me for giving her an attitude of course.

“It’s good to go to your therapist though,” she’d rolled her eyes a little bit. “She knows more about you than I do anyway.”

I’d rubbed a hand across the back of my neck. “I’m just not comfortable talking to her right now,” I’d said quickly.

“Why?”

It was the million dollar question. One that I certainly wasn’t going to answer for her, because it would have freaked her the hell out. The truth is, I’m afraid of what will happen once I go to see Madison again. I’m afraid of what I might tell her…what she might do, and I can’t deal with that. Yeah, I know what I did to Kerri. It’s a horrible fucking thing but…what’s done is done. She obviously hasn’t said anything about it to anybody, so why should I have to confess all of that to Madison? Of course, I’m not supposed to hold anything back. It’s been a rule since I started going to therapy. But things are different now. A lot different. I just want to move past all of this. But it’s just…so damn hard.

“I’m just trying to move on with my life, Melanie,” I’d told her, pathetically. “I think going to see Madison is almost like taking a step backward.”

Strangely enough, the expression on her face was telling me she kind of agreed, but her response proved me wrong. “Well your mom keeps asking me when you’re going to make an appointment. And you know she’s coming here next week Justin. Why don’t you save yourself a headache and get it out of the way before she gets here?”

I forced myself not to get mad at her. For all I knew, she was under a lot of pressure from my mom. No, Mel never really got into it with me, but I could tell that every time my mom called for her it was all about business. They weren’t buddies like Mel tried to make me think they were. My mom was her boss, and that was it. “I’ll do it for you,” I’d told her, reluctantly reaching into my pocket for my cell phone. “I know how my mom can get.”

“You’re supposed to be doing it for yourself, Justin,” she’d sighed and turned her back to me. “Don’t make your problems about me, okay?”

For a minute I thought I was dealing with Kerri, but then I wizened up. Melanie was just doing her job…just trying to help me. And there I was making up every excuse in the world to make her life harder. I just dialed then…figuring it was better for everybody if I just made nice and did what I was told. I left a message with Madison’s secretary, telling her I’d be in Monday morning for a session. Melanie didn’t seem phased when I got off the phone though. She just told me to hurry up so we could start to fix dinner.

I’m terrified, and it’s hard for me to admit that to myself. Madison used to be my guide, the one person I could trust and confide in without feeling any kind of guilt about it. But now…now I guess I feel like Kerri does about going to see a therapist. It’s like I’m going to talk to a stranger about things I just don’t want to deal with. I guess now I know why Kerri never wanted to go. But I don’t have a choice. It’s either go see Madison or be prepared to be badgered by my mother and disappoint Melanie. Once again I’m doing things to please other people. But the more I think about it, that’s really what I’ve done my whole life anyway. Things didn’t change because of what happened, I guess I’m just more aware of the things I used to let roll off my shoulders in the past.

“You better stop spacing out, or it’s going to be noon by the time we’re done running.” She laughs a little bit and stops jogging in place to sip some water from her bottle. “I’d like to stop sweating some time today.”

“Sorry.” I manage a half smile for her and jog forward to catch up with her. She hands me the water and I take a sip, hoping that it will ease my anxiety for a moment or two. “Thanks.” I hand it back to her and stretch my arms up above my head.

“You’re okay, right?”

The worried expression on her face makes me want to smile, but I hold back. I don’t know, something about her being genuinely worried about me makes me feel all warm inside, as sick as that is.  “Yeah, I’m good,” I say quietly.  “Just thinking about some things.”

She nods, but doesn’t question me about it.  I know she understands I have a million things running through my mind at any given moment.  A few more minutes pass, and we start running again.  Neither of us says anything, I think its more relaxing this way.  I can just let my mind empty…just focus on the trees and the sky…the morning mist falling on my face.  It’s nice.  I don’t think I’ve realized just how much I’d missed doing this up until now.  Its uncanny that Mel seemed to know this was what I needed to start doing.  I mean, how could she? She doesn’t know that side of me…the normal side.  It makes me wonder what she’s really all about…how she knows exactly what to do…what to say.  But I wont ask questions.  I can’t.

It terrifies me.

We run around for about an hour more, before heading back into the house.  I flop down onto the sofa, exhausted, while Melanie goes into the kitchen, returning to me a little while later with some freshly made lemonade. I swear to god I have no idea where this woman learned her homemaking abilities, but she’s incredible.  With the way she prepares our meals and surprises me with the little things she whips up, half the time I swear I’m back home with my family.  Maybe it’s her intention.  She’s seemed to be doing it a lot more since I explained to her how I was afraid to go home.  It’s almost sweet…but I wont really let the feeling sink in all that much.  I just go with it, and I’m really beginning to enjoy it.  It’s probably the first time I’ve let myself enjoy something in forever.  It’s good for me I guess.   Takes me away from the bulk of my anxiety.

“One Life to Live is coming on soon!,” she positions herself next to me and grabs the remote before I can stop her. 

“Do we really have to watch this crap?,” I complain, as I always do.  The one thing I can’t stand about Mel, is her fetish for soap operas.  She has an ongoing schedule of all the different ones she watches.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  The story lines are so fake and unbelievable, I can’t imagine why a smart girl like Melanie would be drawn to them.  I thought old ladies and my mom were the only people that chose to indulge themselves in that crap.  But Melanie really seems to enjoy herself while she watches them, Soap Opera Digest in hand, zombie-like expression on her face.  It’s something I’ve been growing accustomed to, ever since I opened up and started allowing her to hang out with me in the house.  I could be a real jerk and tell her I refuse to sit through that pointless bullshit with her, but I just…can’t.  I feel like she deserves to do what she wants to.  If I really didn’t want to watch this stuff, I could just go upstairs…

But I like being with her.

“We do,” she tells me sternly.  “Because according to this magazine, today is the day we find out who really killed Jackie.”

From what I can tell, Jackie had a lover and a husband, and one of them killed her last season.  This season has obviously been based on finding out who the real killer is…one drawn out story line to the next.  Still, I choose not to complain anymore.  I just snicker and sink back into the comforts of my leather sofa with my lemonade,  while the familiar theme song of One Life To Live blares through the TV set.  We talk a little bit during commercials.  Melanie tells me she wants to go site seeing one of these days, that she hasn’t been in this area all that much and doesn’t really know what it offers.  I tell her good luck, because there’s no way I’m going to go walking around downtown Los Angeles with a paparazzi photographer watching every street corner.  She kind of rolls her eyes and nudges me a little bit, but it makes me smile because I know she gets it.  She doesn’t bug me, she expects that kind of an attitude from me.  And I’ll admit it now.  It’s great to have her here.

It’s great but I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Halfway into Melanie’s next soap, I find myself dozing off.  I don’t know why, I’m not really that tired.  I guess I’m just so relaxed that my brain is giving me the green light to let loose for awhile.  Really, this is the first time in a long time that I’ve felt so content, so…safe, here in my house.  Sure, my alarm system kind of calms me down, but its nowhere near as comforting than having somebody else here beside me…who I know can calm me down with the simple touch of her hand on my shoulder.  My eyes start to get heavy, and finally…I allow myself to slip into total snooze mode.  The sound of the television eventually becomes non existent, and I don’t even realize how long I’ve been out before I feel something nudging me, and a soft voice pleading with me to wake up.  Reluctantly, my mind forces me to slowly open my eyes.  I’m confused when I find Mel hovering over me, a concerned expression in eyes.  “Huh?”  I reach up to wipe the sliver of drool that’s escaped from my mouth.

“Justin, your mom is here.”

Now I’m wide awake.  I jerk myself upright.  How is this possible? She said she was coming in a week.  I just spoke with her the other night.  Why the hell would she be here now?  “What do you mean, she’s here?”

Melanie shrugs, and straightens herself.  She starts to pace back and forth in front of me and I realize that I’m not the only one who’s been surprised here.  “I don’t know! She’s just…she’s just here.  She’s getting her stuff out of the taxi.  She said…she decided to come a little bit early.”

“A little bit early?”  I take a long breath inward.  “Try a week.”

She just shrugs.  I can tell now, this is really bothering her, and as I glance around my house I can sort of see why.  It’s pretty much a mess.  Mel and I have been spending so much time going for runs and walks, watching movies and just getting to know each other that we’ve both pretty much neglected cleaning up after ourselves.  Or..at least I have.  I can’t really speak for the guest house Mel is staying in, because I don’t even go in there. The one thing I do know is, this isn’t going to look good to my mom.  Me getting better means taking care of my house and shit like that.  I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to say.  But hey, maybe she wont care that much.  Maybe if I just put on my best of happy faces and pretend that everything is going fantastic she’ll just leave well enough alone.

“You’re a sweaty mess,” Melanie snaps at me.  “Just…go upstairs and change or something.”  She rubs a hand over her face.

Somehow, I manage to keep my cool.  I rise off the sofa and stand before her.  She stares up at me then, looking into my eyes for an answer.  Tell me what to do, Justin.  And for the first time, I feel like I’m the one who needs to make things right, I’m the one who’s responsible for how things pan out.  It’s necessary that I’m strong right now…for both of us.  Otherwise Melanie will be sent packing, and I’ll end up exactly where I don’t want to be.  “Look, it’ll be okay,” I tell her softly, gently placing a hand on one of her shoulders.  “I’ll handle this.”

She seems shocked, and opens her mouth to say something else…probably about how I can’t even take care of myself so how can I play Prince Charming to my mother about what’s been going on.  But she doesn’t get the chance.  I hear the chimes on my door go off, signifying somebody has entered the house.  The sound of my mother’s voice follows almost immediately.  I take a breath then, and give Mel’s shoulder another reassuring rub, trying to promise her that I wont give anything away.  Then I turn around, and I see her.  My mom doesn’t really look different from any other time I’ve seen her.  Her hair is the same, clothes are the same.  Her face has a lot more color though.  She looks rested…like she just woke up from a really long nap and she’s ready to conquer the world.  She looks a lot like I used to after sleeping for a couple of days after the end of a long tour.  I almost envy her, and it makes me upset to know that she looks so rested because she’s had a break from my issues. But I know she deserves this.  She put up with so much for so long…longer than anybody should have to.

It’s should make me feel good to know that she’s going to be just fine.

“Hey mommy.” I take the initiative, and decide to break the ice first.  There’s nothing worse than standing in a room with your mother, who is staring awkwardly back at you.  I walk right up to her and pull her into a long hug.  After a moment I feel her arms wrap around me in return, and I know any discomfort she might have been feeling has passed.  I pull back from her, and make sure to give her a kiss on the cheek before flashing her a charming smile.  “I thought you were coming next week.”  I hear Mel clear her throat at that comment, but I had to sneak it in.  I just need to know that my mom came out here for the right reasons, and if she didn’t I want to know why that is.

“Well I got back from Orlando, and I didn’t have much to do at home,” she smiles a little nervously and pulls away from me.  “I was driving Paul up a wall, so he told me I should just come out here and spend some time with you.  That’s okay, I hope.”

I wish I could tell her that it’s not okay.  That…I’m sort of bonding with Melanie and we’ve been doing our own thing.  That…her being here is going to make Mel act all weird and we wont be able to talk and run and shit for awhile.  But I can’t say that stuff to my mom.  She’s still concerned.  She still cares.  And most importantly, she’s Melanie’s boss too and I’m sure she wants to talk her just as much as she wants to spend some time with me.  Is my mom prying though? Is she here to talk me into things I don’t want to do again? Does she suspect something? Is she going to take Melanie aside and try to pry things out of her?  Will Mel give in? God, I’m starting to worry too much. But…I just can’t help it.  It’s hard to trust my mom after all the threats she’s made about me going back to Tennessee, or me readmitting myself.  Of course she means well, but sometimes her plans of action just aren’t the best thing for me.

“Yeah, of course,” I bullshit instead of telling her how I really feel, as always. 

She glances around a little bit, and I’m sure she’s not appreciating the mess that is my living room, with the pizza boxes and dirty clothes thrown around.  I watch her gaze land on Melanie for the shortest of seconds, before she finally smiles at me again.  “Have you showered? I thought we might be able to go to lunch or something.  If you’re not up to it though, I can understand.  I didn’t exactly announce myself.”

“No it’s okay.  I’m…the living room’s a mess and it’s my fault,” I chuckle nervously and glance over at Melanie.  She’s sort of looking at her fingernails, picking at them and not looking at either of us.  I know she’s  uncomfortable.  But I’m trying the best I can.  “I’ve been going for runs with Melanie, and making her run errands for me a lot so we haven’t really gotten to clean up or anything.”

“Don’t be silly.  I know you’ll get it cleaned up eventually, honey.”

She smiles at me, but it’s the fakest thing I’ve ever seen.  I know my mother, inside and out, and when she’s aggravated or annoyed I can sense it from a mile away.  I have the sickest feeling that Melanie is going to be getting a lecture later on, and I wish I could do something to prevent it.  But I know my mom would never hint that she was going to do it, and she certainly wouldn’t do it in a place I could hear it, or see it.  I guess I just have to hope that Melanie is strong enough to take it.  But I don’t see why she wouldn’t be.  That girl is as tough as they come.  Tougher than I’ve ever been.  And its why I constantly find myself stuck with questions about her…why I constantly find myself thinking about her.

“Was your flight okay?”

My attention is immediately reverted to Melanie, who has just decided to speak up.  It kind of surprises me, but I also know this is an attempt for her to get on my moms good side fast.  She’s smiling that pleasant smile of hers.  The one she used to use on me when she first came here.

“It was fine,” my mother responds a little too quickly to her, and I notice that it makes Melanie draw any further emotion about my mothers well being back inside of her.  “Justin why don’t you get ready, and I’ll let you know when I’m settled so we can have a nice lunch.”

“Uh, okay…”  I look at Melanie, who once again has resorted back to picking at her nails.  “Melanie, do you want to…”

“Oh, I thought the two of us could just go,” my mom intervenes before I can finish.  “I have a few things I need to talk to you about, just between us.”

Awkward.

“It’s okay, Justin.” Melanie says immediately, that bright smile of hers quickly replacing her lost expression.  “I have a few things I need to do around here anyway.”

“Yes,” My mom says, the disapproval in her voice really showing this time.  “That’s a good idea.”

I have a headache.  “But mom…”

“Give me an hour.” She gives me another quick kiss and picks her suitcase up from the floor.  “I’ll get settled and then I’ll come find you.  Melanie…” she pauses again and turns to my friend.  “Be a dear and give Eric a call.  Tell him Justin and I will be going out and we’ll need him to drive us.”

“Sure.”  She nods a little and hurries away before I can try and persuade her to wait. 

My eyes follow her as she wanders into the kitchen, and I’m sure my mom notices, but I don’t care.  “Look, don’t be mad at her about the mess.  I told you…”

“Justin.” She strokes my cheek gently.  “Nobody is mad at anybody.  I don’t want you to worry about anything right now. Melanie has a job to do, and she knows what it is.”

“But…”

“Shh.  Now I’m going to go get ready, and we can talk about whatever you want to when we get to the restaurant okay?”

I sigh in frustration.  She’s talking to me like I’m five years old right now, and she knows how much I hate that.  But I don’t feel like flying into a rage right now, or showing her how upset she’s making me.  So I just nod, and barely hear her as she rambles off something about ‘an hour’ and ‘a shower’.  I just sit back down on the couch and take in everything that’s happened for a few moments.  Mom is here.  She obviously doesn’t think Melanie is doing a good job, and now I’m going to have to sit through lunch with her, lying about what’s been going on…about my feelings.  Hell, at least I can tell her I’m going to Madison’s on Monday.  Then again, who knows if that will even help?  She’ll probably get into the subject about coming home again.  A subject that I’m just so tired of talking about, that I’m afraid I might just give in if I get frustrated enough.  Just as I start to lose all hope, put my head in my hands and tell myself that I’m doomed to have my life run for me, I feel a burst of air blow by me and look up in time to see Melanie rushing by me.  “Hey.”  She doesn’t answer so I get up and follow her.  “Melanie.”

She walks outside.

I don’t relent.  Normally I would.  Over the past couple of weeks I’ve learned that when she needs alone time, its exactly that…alone time.  But right now I’m so confused, and I’m sure she’s upset.  I feel like it’s my fault.  Partially because it’s my mother that’s making her feel bad right now, but mostly because I’m the one who threw a fit…broke stuff, and made her feel the need to put everything else off to the side so I could get better.  The condition of the house suffered, but only because my mom said she was coming next week. I’m sure Mel had plans to do a heavy duty cleaning, but my mom showed up totally unexpected.  “Melanie.”  I grasp her by the wrist as she  opens the door to the guest house.  “Come on, just stop it.”

She whirls around, immediately pushing me away from her.  “Don’t grab me,” she says harshly.

I bite my bottom lip.  “Sorry.”

“Look, your mom is here,” she says, a few awkward moments later.  “Just go get ready.  You don’t want her to catch us out here like this.  She’ll ask too many questions.”

“Like what?” I scoff.  “It’s not a bad thing that we’re becoming friends, Mel.  I think she‘d be sort of happy.”

She puts a foot inside her doorway.  “Maybe it is a bad thing.  I mean, your mom hired me to help out around the house and make sure you take your medication, not to be your shrink or your mentor.  Right now she probably thinks all I‘ve been doing is sitting around the house, not to mention the fact that she doesn’t know about your medication.  I‘ve been doing everything wrong, Justin.  I just…this is wrong.  I‘m going to have to tell her…”

“Hey.” I step up to her, the fear apparent on my face. “You…you can’t. We agreed…you promised.  I‘ve been doing my part, Mel.”

“She’s upset, Justin.  How is lying going to make things better?”  She shakes her head, and rubs a stray tear off of her cheek.  “I’m not cut out for this.  It’s getting too personal.  I wasn’t hired to be your friend.”

“Too personal?,” I let out an annoyed laugh and back away from her a little.  “Getting personal is a two way road Mel.  That means you’d have to share some aspects of your life with me, which you haven’t done.  I think…you’re just scared.”

“Scared?,” she snaps.  “What the hell do I have to be scared of, Justin?”

“I can see right through you,” I say, despite the fact that I know I shouldn’t be crossing this kind of a line with her.  “You don’t have a lot of friends, if any.  You don’t let people in.  And you certainly don’t try to help them with their problems like you’ve been helping me with mine.  I know you’re a nurses aid and everything, but as far as I’m concerned, you’ve been playing a hell of a lot more than your part lately. Now you’re scared that…that you might want to confide in me or something.”

“You’re wrong.”  She grits her teeth, and I can tell she’s trying as hard as she can to hold her tears back.  “I’m not hiding anything from you, and I don’t know why you’d even think that I am. We have some things in common, and we get along for the most part, that’s all it is.  I’m not who you think I am, Justin.  I’m not one of your close friends.  I’m just here, and you have nobody else so I can understand why you think I’m so great.  But just…it needs to stop.  I’m not going to tell your mom anything, all right?  I just think we need to keep what we have professional and stop getting so personal, that’s all.”

“After what’s gone on I can’t understand why you’re acting like we shouldn’t’ have bonded,” I say sadly.  I’m hurt.  I really thought we had a connection going on.  That I could trust her, and that she could trust me.  That she was becoming a friend.  A close one.  I was starting to forget about Trace a little, and I was really starting to forget about Kerri.  I didn’t feel I needed to think about them as long as I was having fun with Melanie, but she’s just acting so weird right now.  Like she doesn’t care.  Like she never has.  Like she wouldn’t be upset if I left tomorrow with my mom and she never saw me again.  I look at her again.  Right in her eyes.  There’s no emotion there now.  She’s buried it all inside, like I’m so good at doing from time to time.  She doesn’t want me to know how she really feels.  And for the first time something is pulling at me, nagging me…

Telling me that she’s been through something horrible too.

“Mel…come on…”

“I’m not doing this right now.  Just go get ready,” she says, using that stone cold tone she always does when she needs me to act my age and do what I’m told.  I thought that version of her was gone, but I guess I was horribly mistaken.  “You need to focus on what’s important right now.”

I open my mouth to tell her that her friendship is important to me, but she walks inside and closes the door before I can get a word out.  Normally I’d get pissed and bang on the door, but right now…I’m just too confused to bother.  I need to think about everything she just said…and try to figure it out, figure her out.  I just don’t get it.  She seemed happy, we were having fun, and then when my mom showed up it was like this big reality check.  It’s like she can’t be my friend because she’s afraid of what my mom would think.  But I know my mom wouldn’t’ disapprove or anything.  She’d be happy that I’m trying to form new relationships and move on.  I just don’t get it.  I don’t get her.

I guess there’s a lot more to Melanie than I originally thought.  Maybe too much more.

I figure giving her the space she needs for a few hours will probably do her some good.  Although I haven’t experienced this kind of a mood from Mel all that often, I know she’s the type that cools off best when she’s left alone for awhile, like me.  Besides, I am a ‘sweaty mess’, as she so lovingly put it, and as annoying as it is, a part of me sort of wants to go to lunch with my mom.  It will be nice to catch up, find out how the other members of my family have been doing and stuff like that.  I’d also like to be filled in about what my label and my management thinks of my extended hiatus.  They know better than to call me of course, so they’ve just been using my mother as a communication gopher up until this point.  In all likelihood they’ll probably drop me.  But I just don’t care.  I’m not ready to work again, and I have no idea when I’ll be ready to.  All I know is, when I am, it wont be very hard for me to get started again.  I’m not even worried about it.  All I’m really worried about at the moment is what’s happening to my family, and…what’s happening between me and Melanie.

I shower quickly and throw on some jeans and a polo shirt, not really caring how I  look.  I glance in the mirror, knowing I could use a shave but not really caring either.  For the first time, it doesn’t matter to me that I don’t look clean cut for my mom.  I even look a little tired, but I don’t know…I’ve just decided its time to be myself.  Despite the fact I’ve done a lot of things that she can’t know about, I know the more fake I act the more suspicious she’s going to get.  So I just go downstairs and wait for her.  Thirty minutes later she comes down to the living room herself, and about ten minutes later Eric knocks on the door. I’m grateful.  From the expression on her face I know she was about to start having some kind of heart to heart with me, and I kind of want to avoid that…at least until we’re at the restaurant and I have no choice.
I joke around with Eric as he walks my mother and I out to the car, and as she gets in, I steal a glance at the guest house quickly, hoping that just maybe…I’ll get a glimpse of Mel before I’m forced to get in the car.  I don’t see her of course, so I just sigh and get in.

“You okay?”  My mom looks at me with concern, and rubs my knee a little bit.

“Yeah,” I force a small smile, and fasten my seat belt.  “I’m okay, mom.”
****************
I called Susan yesterday, like a desperate fucking idiot. I didn’t really know why I was calling her, but at the same time I knew I needed to talk to somebody. I hate calling my mom. All she ever does is tell me I need to hold my head high, and be the strong willed, independent woman she knows I’ve always been. It doesn’t help hearing that from her. All it really says to me is that she’s busy, like always, and she doesn’t have time to listen to me gripe and bitch about how insecure I am. Of course Susan doesn’t mind me calling her. When I left the home she told me she wanted me to call her anytime I wanted to talk. I don’t know, I guess when I call her I feel like I’m taking a step back. That I can’t handle shit. That I’m not past things. When I feel like I’m still not past things it makes me angry…it makes me remember too. And I hate remembering.

I hate remembering the smells, the sounds, what he looked like, what he sounded like. How he felt. How it felt. For months at a time I’ll be okay too. I’ll basically forget, because I’ll be busy taking care of things, or working. I guess I force myself to forget. It’s just sometimes…when things like…like Justin confuse me, I get depressed. And that leads to the memories. It makes me mad because Susan taught me how to fight all of that, how to be strong. But I don’t know. It was so hard to push the memories back the other day. I was so down. I felt like such an idiot. I felt like…I’d let my guard down. That I let Justin take advantage…get too close, after I promised myself that I wouldn’t let anybody do that to me ever again. Why him? He’s just another guy. Another guy that gets on my nerves most of the time. Why am I starting to let him crack me open, let him see the real me?

Why do I want to fall into his arms and hug him half the time?

I didn’t tell Susan who I was working for. One of the things I promised Lynn was, with the exception of my mom, I wouldn’t tell anybody else that I was working for her and helping Justin out. I understood why. If that information got to the wrong person, it could cause all kinds of problems. So I just told her my latest patient was some young guy, who I was helping to get himself together again. She asked me if I was comfortable working with another male, and I was truthful. I told her that I was scared to death half the time that he would turn into a horrible, violent person just like the man who raped me. But she didn’t say I was crazy…she said it was natural. I knew she was right. I mean, Justin is the first guy I’ve been around in five years. Weird, I know, but I’ve been too terrified to be around any guys up until now. And even now, I’m still scared, I’m just forcing myself to be here for Lynn’s sake…and for my mothers reputation. I can’t even begin to imagine what my mom would say to me if I got fired or I quit this job. Probably something along the lines of ‘you’re a failure, Melanie,’ and ‘when are you going to learn to grow up and put things behind you? I did it.’.

I try to love my mother. I really do. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the rape…and a few other things, I’d doubt we’d even have the relationship that we do right now, and that isn’t saying much. The only thing I can really thank my mother for, as far as my recovery goes, is bringing Susan into my life. Because without her, I wouldn’t even be here right now. I’d be in a mental ward someplace. Or…

I’d just be dead.

After my mother had reamed me out about failing my finals at college, and taking time away from her precious schedule, she didn’t seem to have a choice but to bring me back to her home, which at the time was in New York City. She had a really nice apartment there. She lived alone, but she was also never home most of the time to care about the emptiness. She brought me there so I could ‘get my head together’, so to speak. At first I was okay with it. I knew college wasn’t going to work out for that moment, and hell, I hadn’t even told anybody that I was raped then. I figured living at her place would allow me time to think things over, and decide what I really needed. My mom didn’t stick around long. She had shoot after shoot in New York, and a month later she left for Europe for a three week shoot in Spain. She called me every week, something that I was pretty surprised about. She tried to make an effort with those calls too. She’d always ask me what really happened…why I’d flunked out of college. I just couldn’t tell her though. I didn’t feel right telling her how nasty I thought I was over the phone, so I figured when she came home I’d have plenty of time to break down and tell her everything.

Unfortunately, that time didn’t come soon enough.

As I would sit in her silent apartment, day after day, night after night, I couldn’t help but let myself dwell on the horrible things that had happened to me. I’d blame myself, I kept asking myself how I could have let something like that happen. How could I have let somebody like that ruin my entire life? Why couldn’t I have simply gotten over it and gotten my degree? I came to the conclusion that I was stupid. I made myself believe that. I was stupid and I would never amount to anything. What was I worth? Why was I making life harder for my mother, who had never wanted anything to do with me in the first place? I figured if I was dead, nobody would miss me. If I was dead, nobody would have to worry about me anymore. There would be an empty spot on the roster for my university, and my mom could live her life the way she’d always wanted to.

There was a magnificent medicine cabinet in my mother’s bathroom. When I first moved into the apartment I’d loved to go in there and shower, because the bathroom was so much bigger than mine. One night I decided to go exploring. In tears, bottle of vodka in my hand, I’d moved about the house. The walls had been waving, in and out, like some weird concrete jungle. When I touched them, I would fall to the ground and spill my vodka so I tried my best to make my way into the big bathroom without touching them so much. When I got there, I opened the medicine cabinet. I wanted some candy, I remember that. I have no idea why I thought there would be candy in there. But I was so out of it, I don’t know why I was thinking half the things that I was. I just know I felt really bad. I needed something to cheer me up, and I remembered that when I was a little girl and I was sad, my grandmother, who was always so strict, would try to cheer me up with some mints. I wanted to feel that way then. I wanted to feel loved a little bit. So I took some container out of the medicine cabinet and poured a handful of what I thought was candies into my hand. The better part of me had been warning me not to take it. I didn’t care though. I figured if it wasn’t candy at least I’d get to sleep…something I hadn’t really done since I’d been raped. I took the handful of whatever it was, along with a mouthful of liquor.

I slept for a long time.

When my mom had really bad jet lag after a week working in god knows where, she had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. So much trouble, that her doctor prescribed her some strong sleeping medication, only to be taken in those instances when she really couldn’t get to sleep of course. The drunken slob that I was, had managed to swallow about nine of those pills. I don’t know why I lived. I really should have died. My mom had called shortly after I passed out, and I guess when I didn’t answer she got worried. Yeah worried, for the first time in my life. She called the lady next door, who had a spare key. She found me passed out on the floor. When I woke up the nurse told me she was surprised I didn’t have brain damage. She told me what happened. I wasn’t really shocked. I think deep inside, I knew exactly what I wanted to do that night.

I just didn’t count on my mom taking the kind of action she did.

My mom pretty much panicked. She didn’t know what was wrong with me. As far as she was concerned I’d gone fucking crazy. So, on advice from the people at the hospital, she decided to admit me to a state funded mental hospital. It was pretty bad. I was doped up on medication and strapped to the bed for the first couple of nights. I didn’t like it. It reminded me of being held down, knife to my throat, and I really couldn’t take it. I would cry all day and all night. It was the most communication I allowed myself to make at first. Then my doctor told me if I just told him what was wrong, he’d be able to help me, but until I did he wouldn’t know why I’d tried to hurt myself. It took me awhile…a couple of more days, but I finally reasoned with myself. I wanted out of that place and so, I figured if I just told the guy what was on my mind I’d be able to go someplace else.

So I did.

I think the best feeling I’ve ever felt, even now, years later, was telling somebody about what happened. I’d just closed my eyes and recounted the horrible memories of that night, to a doctor I can’t even remember the name of now that I think about it. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I could breathe again. I could walk around, and it didn’t feel like gravity was drilling me into the ground anymore. Finally, I’d rested my problems on somebody else, and I didn’t feel badly about doing it. After I told the doctor, I slept some more. But it was natural this time, and I wasn’t strapped to a bed or locked in the severe threat ward of that horrible hospital. I was placed in sort of a holding area until my mother could return to the hospital for a consultation, with my promise that I would take care of myself until then.

A week later my mom came back, and the doctor went through a list of options that he’d conjured up for me. A lot of the places he wanted to send me were like retreats up in the mountains, where you rode horses and learned how to care for other things. I didn’t really want to do that, and I think for the first time ever my mother took my interests to heart. She asked if there was something more mellow, more mainstream. A place I could grow but have a life too. That’s when he told us about the group home, and Susan. He said it wasn’t a place designed specifically for victims of rape, which concerned him because it had effected me so dramatically. But he said that it sounded like a place that would eventually suit my lifestyle. I didn’t care. I just wanted out of that hospital, so I agreed that I’d go there.

It had been hard adjusting. The group home had been filled with all kinds of women. Most of them I couldn’t even relate to. Some were drug addicts, most were women who had escaped abusive relationships. I only met one or two that had been actual rape victims. Susan turned out to be one of them. I guess that’s why I was able to talk to her so easily. After the first week, she’d pulled me aside, concerned that I hadn’t been talking in group at all. So I decided to tell her my story…how scared I was, how much I felt like I’d failed myself. And she showed me how to live through my fears. She taught me how to fight off the dreams, how to stop thinking about what happened. How to turn the all the bad things into one big positive thing. It worked. I guess you could say Susan was my miracle. It was a sad day when we both realized I was ready to move on, but it was for the best.

Well up until now anyway.

“Maybe you need a visit,” she’d told me over the phone. “You sound tired.”

“I can’t really get a break,” I’d groaned. “My client needs me, Susan.”

“Being needed is fine and well,” she’d said, a little annoyed. “But you know your mental health comes first. I don’t need to hear some report that you’ve dug yourself into a hole again.”

I gave in. I do miss her a lot, and I’m sorry to say I don’t get to see her as often as I’d like to. She told me to tell ‘whoever my boss is’ that I have to go see family next week and I can’t change the times around. It made me laugh. She’s always been so to-the-point. I think it’s why I love her so much. But I mean, even though the date is set I have no idea how I’m supposed to go. Justin isn’t exactly stable, and Lynn isn’t too happy with me at this point. Asking for time off now would seriously jeopardize my career, I’m sure. But on the other hand, do I really want to stay here? Do I really want to keep feeling this way about Justin? Do I really want to confuse him anymore? It’s selfish. I know it’s selfish.

But damn it. I think a part of me has come to depend on him. I don’t know why or for what. All I know is…if I left tomorrow I’d probably be lost for weeks.

And that’s very, very bad.

“I’m sorry if I came off as irrational yesterday.”

I slowly revert my gaze from the window, over to Lynn. Eric ended up staying at the house with Justin so Lynn and I could go out for lunch together today. Before we left the house I was extremely nervous about the whole thing. When Lynn and Justin came back from lunch yesterday, I didn’t go to greet them. I’d made sure to clean up the downstairs of Justin’s house while they were out, and then I proceeded into my little hut across the way, barricading myself inside. I’d cried for awhile, before I could conjure up the strength to call Susan. Needless to say, I was not in the mood for Lynn’s heated glares, or Justin’s demands as to why I was being the way I was when we’d talked. I just needed some time alone to think. I didn’t want to be mad at Justin, but I couldn’t help but think it was his fault that my boss was mad at me in the first place. I had plenty of information to cover my ass, but at the same time I’d promised Justin that I’d help him out. I didn’t want to betray him so I basically let myself take the heat for his mistakes. The more I thought about it, the more I knew it wasn’t the first time he’d pulled this kind of thing on somebody. I guessed that was the reason why his friends had deserted him like they had. They hadn’t been able to handle it. That was the big difference between me and them. I knew I could handle it.

Because I had been there.

“Oh it’s fine,” I finally manage. “I mean, you had every right to be upset. The house was a mess and…”

But she interrupts me. “I know it couldn’t have been your fault, Melanie.”

I hold my breath. She’s right. She knows me too well. She hired me because she knows I’m not a total screw up like Justin is…at least not anymore. And now she probably expects me to tell her exactly what’s been going on. But what am I supposed to do? I made a promise to Justin. And I don’t break promises. I know what will happen if the truth comes out. She’ll freak out, drag Justin back home with her, and I’ll be out of a job anyway. It won’t solve anything. It will just drive Justin and myself into even further depression. “It was just me being lazy, that’s all.”

But she gives me a look like she knows something has been going on. I have no idea what she and Justin discussed yesterday at lunch either, I haven’t seen him yet today. I know he wouldn’t tell her the truth though. He’s too scared.

“Eric told me he seemed off the day he took you guys out shopping.”

Eric. Right. I should have guessed. I’m still kicking myself for acting so hastily and calling him like I did. But I was just so mad that day. Mad at myself. Mad at Justin. And I wanted things to change. drastically. What I didn’t count on was Justin acting so fake like he did. I’m sure it put all kinds of ideas into Eric’s head. I’d tried to make myself believe he wouldn’t mention anything to Lynn, but I was stupid to think that he wouldn’t. Lynn trusts him, and he’s worked for Justin and his family for awhile. Of course he’d mention something. But still, I try to play dumb. “What do you mean?”

She lets out a short sigh and shakes her head a little bit. “Melanie, one of the reasons I hired you is because I knew you were a smart girl.”

I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but I nod and smile anyway. “Okay.”

“And I know that you, just like everybody else, can see right through Justin’s fake act,” she continues. “Eric told me that, on that day, Justin was right in character, if you know what I mean.”

I shake my head. “He was just nervous about being in public, that’s all. I know you understand that Lynn. Who was I to tell him to calm down?”

“I’m just confused as to why he so suddenly wanted to go out in public.”

We stop at a red light and she looks at me, half desperate, half hopeless. It makes me wonder how many of Justin’s friends she ran to for answers before they all decided to throw in the rag. Hell, maybe its part of what drove them all away. I don’t know. But I do know I can’t give her the answer she’s looking for. “Nothing happened, if that’s what your worried about, “ I say brightly. “Yeah it was my idea to get him out of the house, so maybe it was my fault that he chose to act that way. But I was just looking out for him, Lynn. He seemed to be in the house so much, and it just…it wasn’t good for him.”

I’m a really good liar.

She smiles as the light changes green. “So that’s all it was?”

“Honest. He was just a little shaky,” I reassure her. “But once he got used to being out and about he was really okay. We had an okay night back at the house. And actually since then…he’s been a lot better about things. He’s not so bitter anymore.”

“I did notice a big change in his attitude yesterday,” she nods. “I just wasn’t sure if it was an act or not.”

“Some of it may have been.” Justin would kill me if he knew I said that, but right now I think I owe it to Lynn to be a little bit honest here. I feel bad enough that I’ve kept what I’ve kept from her. I wouldn’t’ be doing my job if I didn’t say that. “But I think most of it was genuine.”

She squeezes my hand then, gently. “I knew bringing you here would help,” she says, her voice a little shaky. “I just…I don’t know how to thank you.”

I can’t believe we got away with everything. I really can’t. if she even knew…half of what happened…

No.

Don’t think about lies. Think about the positive, Mel.

“I’m glad I could help.”

She pulls into the restaurant. The sign out front reads ‘Nook’. I haven’t been out to eat in Los Angeles enough to know the ins and outs of the eateries around here. But I’m sure Lynn comes here enough to know what’s good, and what’s just overpriced. Hopefully it’s not a lot of fish, but from the looks of the place it doesn’t seem that way.

“Justin loves this place. Remind me to order him some mac and cheese before we leave okay?”

Whew, no fish. I smile. “Sure.”

I get out of the car and follow Lynn up to entrance as she rambles on and on about what a cute place it is, and how “When the boys moved here it’s all they could talk about.” Boys meaning plural. I don’t get it. But I don’t ask either. We walk in, and the waitress seems to know Lynn right away. They do the normal kissing cheek ritual that I’ve seen done so many times on TV and stuff. It’s weird. Los Angles is like another world compared to everywhere else. It makes me want to go exploring one day with Justin. I mentioned it yesterday too, but he quickly shot me down. “Too many photographers,” he’d muttered. “I can’t deal with that right now.” I understood of course. I’d hate to see the disaster that Justin would turn into if he was surrounded by paparazzi. I suppose I could go off on my own. But…I know I wouldn’t feel safe. I never feel safe. So I guess it’s going to be awhile before I’ll ever get to see the delights of Los Angeles, California. It’s not that big of a deal though. I’d rather him be content, than alone in the house and scared.

“Trace is in the back.” The waitress smiles and points somewhere towards the back of the restaurant. “He said to tell you he’d wait to order.”

I tense up. I wasn’t aware that we’d be having a guest at our luncheon. I mean, I wont say anything of course, but it does scare me that I’ll have to deal with another member of Justin and Lynn’s camp. With the exception of Lynn, the only other people I’ve met that have seemed to know Justin was that Marty guy and that other guy Alex who screamed at me. While I wasn’t’ intimidated, I wasn’t thrilled to deal with anybody else Justin was affiliated with either. I mean, what the hell kind of name is Trace anyway? I’m sure he’s a bastard, unless he’s just a friend of Lynn’s. If he’s some old guy I can deal. I mean, a friend of Lynn’s has got to be mature and respectable…

“Trace!”

I’m afraid to look, but I force myself to. Lynn is embracing some young guy, probably around Justin’s age. I contemplate hiding in the bathroom while they’re hugging so the guy won’t notice me, but my feet seem to be nailed to the hardwood floor. After an eternity they finally let go of each other, and that’s when I get my first glimpse at the guy.

And I can’t fucking believe it.

“Melanie come here!,” Lynn says, excitedly yanking me closer to her so I can greet Trace properly. “Trace, this is Melanie. You remember don’t you? The one I told you about on the phone?”

I stare at him. I have to literally hold my breath to keep from saying something stupid. “Hello,” I force a pleasant tone.

He looks just as shocked as I feel, as he sticks out a hand for me to shake. “Hi.”

It’s that guy that was sitting outside the house that day I came back from the grocery store. I was unloading the car, and I saw him just sitting in his car outside the gate. Needless to say, it freaked me the hell out and I went up to the gate to find out exactly what he was doing there. “Wrong house,” he’d said. Yeah. What a crock of shit. Still, I don’t let my emotions show, but he still looks nervous as we sit down to order our food. It’s obvious he recollects our confrontation, and he doesn’t know how to react. I wish I knew more about this guy. It’s obvious that he’s one of Justin’s friends, but just how close are they?

I guess I’ll find out.

Lynn starts to make small talk, and I try to play along, but I can’t seem to keep my eyes off of our guest. I guess the curiosity is getting the best of me or something, but I can’t say he’s having an easy time keeping his gazed fixated elsewhere either.

Trace chews like horse, and drinks like a fucking camel. Good thing there are free refills here. I think the guy might just finish off their supply of sweet tea. He has a cocky little laugh and a cocky little smirk, that nearly remind me of Justin when he’s not being miserable. It’s the strangest thing. If he wasn’t so short, he could probably pass for Justin’s brother or something. I don’t dare ask how close he is to Justin. I’m just too afraid. Although it doesn’t take a genius to tell that he’s possibly the best friend. I doubt he’d be here having lunch with us if he wasn’t that close to him. I eye him every few seconds, and he eyes me right back, with same smug look on his face. Really, I’d reach across the table and strangle him if I knew Lynn wouldn’t notice. I’m just so pissed that he lied to me. If he had simply told me that he was a friend of Justin’s I could have explained myself to him and told him what was going on. It scares me. It’s like he didn’t want Justin to know he’d been there or something.

And it’s scary, because it’s making me wonder what‘s so terrible about Justin that Trace has felt the need to hide from him.

I've never been this nervous about going to see Madison before. I wasn't even this bad the first time I stepped through her office door. I was quiet if anything, definitely not a wreck like I am now. I guess a lot of my anxiety has to do with the fact that I haven't spoken with her in a really long time, and I have all this shit I've been keeping inside of me, that I'm just not ready to talk about with her…or anyone. I know I don't have much of a choice though. As it is, my mom is still here and she knows about my appointment today. She's fucking ecstatic about it, so ecstatic in fact that she asked me if she could come for the ride and wait for me outside. I painstakingly told her no, even though I knew it would annoy her, and hurt her. I just couldn't' have her here. I didn't want her to see how nervous I was, and after our little chat at lunch the other day…I guess I've been trying as hard as I can not to let the new animosity I have towards her rear its ugly head.

Even though I was scared to death the entire time, I forced myself through a quiet lunch at Simon LA for my mother's sake the other day. It's her favorite restaurant, and whenever she's in town we usually make it a habit to have a meal there at least twice. I guess I wanted things to seem as normal as possible, so when she asked me where I'd like to eat, I just told her we could go there. She was pleased, but I was nauseated. More than ever, I'd wished Melanie had been there. I thought I might have been a lot less insecure, just having her there next to me at the table. But she wasn't there, and for the first time in a long time I'd had to put my smile on and bear being out in public for an hour or two with my mom. If it had been any other place I might have been able to act a little bit more sane too, but Simon LA is constantly crawling with industry people as it's right in the vicinity of recording studios, sound studios, and record company offices. Before the kidnapping, when I was normal, I used to like going there. It was a place I was able to catch up with people I didn't get to see all that often, and most of the time…it was how I was filled in on the happenings around town…who was putting out what, who was filming what, and who just…wasn't.

Eric had called ahead I guess, because when we got there we were greeted right away, and escorted to a table far in the back of the restaurant, away from the masses…and away from the windows. I was thankful, and I made a note to thank Eric later for making things so easy for me. He'd sat in a chair by the archway while my mom and I looked over our menus. The waitress came quickly, and we both put in orders for simple Caesar salads and soups. I didn't say much, just that it was nice to be out with her, and that I'd missed her a lot. She'd kind of smiled, before slowly putting down the PDA she'd been toying with and looking at me. I knew something was up. She had that look on her face like there was a bunch of shit she'd been holding back from me. I knew it because she'd always use that same look when I'd been on tour for awhile, and had just put on three nights worth of shows. She'd always be cautious of springing stuff on me then, because I was usually so tired and irritable, that I wouldn't care about snapping at her if it meant she'd leave me alone to sleep.

But I knew damn well that there was no way I could snap at her that day.

"Justin."

"It's okay," I'd said immediately. "Whatever you need to say, I'll listen all right? I haven't seen you so…I've been expecting to get filled in. How is everyone? How's Nana and Pop?"

"Good." She'd said it much too quickly for me to believe her, but I didn't ask anymore questions. I figured waiting for her to spill her guts was better, because just like me…she needed time to think before she spoke. "Everyone has been asking about you," she'd said, cautiously. "They all want you to come home."

I'd shrugged and folded my arms across my chest. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

She hadn't relented. "Yes, we do."

I'd glanced at Eric quickly, just to see if he was paying attention. He wasn't' of course. As always, his gaze was focused in the direction opposite of me, making sure nobody dared to enter our private area. "Why?," I'd asked her finally. "I asked you to fill me in mom, not make me feel guilty about things. Do you not think I feel bad about Christmas? I do…I just…I was having issues and…"

"Poppa is still upset about Christmas," she'd interrupted. "We all knew you were at your fathers, but when you didn't call…that was just disrespectful Justin. It angered a lot of people, not just me, and not just your grandparents either."

I felt like crying, but Shane was talking to me a little bit and calling me a pussy and I just wasn't going to let him get to me. I refused. So I just looked at my mom, dead in the eye, practically hating her for what she was saying to me. "You just don't fuckin' understand," I'd grunted. "You never will."

"That's not fair."

"How?" I'd shook my head. "I told you. I'm afraid. Why can't you just accept that?"

"Because it's ridiculous," she'd said, her expression warning me to lower my voice. "Those men took you, yes. I understand all of that. But you can't just abandon your family because you're afraid of remembering things. That's why we sent you to Madison, so you could overcome some of that and be strong again. And I…I just don't know. It's like, you were doing all right and then you had a complete relapse. That's something I'll never understand."

I'd looked down at my lap, the things she was saying were being absorbed into my psyche and I wasn't handling it well. I felt my face becoming hot, and my vision started to become blurred. "I'm sorry."

"That might be fine for me to hear," she'd said. "But for other members of this family, it's not enough to know that you're sorry you've been neglecting them, Justin. They need to know that you still care enough to make an effort, because they'd do anything for you. We love you. Can't you just see that?"

"Okay." I didn't know what else to say. Either way, like it or not, she was going to win. I was going back home for a visit, come hell or high water. Back to Shelby Forest, back to my old, beloved neighborhood. Back to town, back to the country store…

And back to the small shopping plaza I vowed I'd never set foot near again.

"Okay, what?"

I'd looked at her, not being able to hide my tears anymore. I'd rubbed my eyes gently, letting out a long sigh. "Okay," I'd repeated. "Whatever you want, ma."

"Don't make me feel like the bad guy," she'd groaned. "I'm concerned. Everybody is." She'd paused and reached into her pocketbook then, fishing a folded piece of paper out of it a moment later. "Here. Just look at this."

I'd taken the paper from her, and nearly fell off of my comfortable couch like seat when I saw that it was a wedding invitation. Before I even started to read it, I scanned my mind desperately to see if I could remember who was engaged the last time I was sane. Trace's siblings were pretty young for that kind of thing and well…I was an only. I racked my brain for my list of cousins. Then I remembered the last time I talked to my cousin Rachael, she'd told me that her brother and his girlfriend were getting a little serious. Don't ask my why the fuck I remembered something as mediocre as that, but I guess I was so shocked that my mother was basically ordering me to do something, that my mind forced the memory out from the depths. As my eyes scanned the invitation, I found that I was indeed right. Rachael's brother, my cousin Joe, was to be blissfully wed a month and a half from that very day. To say I wanted to puke was an understatement.

I'm surprised that I didn't.

"Rach's brother," I'd muttered.

"Right."

I tossed the paper on the table in disgust. "You expect me to go to this thing? I'm barely managing to keep myself calm at this restaurant, and Eric is guarding the door!" I hadn't wanted to admit that to her, but I wanted to get my point across so badly that I felt I had no other choice. Of course, her expression was less than inviting after that, but I just didn't care. I felt like I was being pressured when I wasn't supposed to be…by my own mother. It just wasn't fucking right.

"It's a family obligation," she'd said to me, angrily. "And I'm not going to tolerate these ridiculous excuses of yours anymore, Justin. You've had a long time to collect yourself. I've gotten you help, and you even have Melanie at the house taking care of things for you. There's not a reason in this world why you can't take three or four days and attend an important family event."

I'd swallowed hard. "Do you remember what happened the last time I attended an important family event?"

"Stop letting the kidnapping run your life," she'd snapped at me. "It's not fair to me, and its certainly not fair to everybody else that cares about you."

I don't think I ever saw my mother act that way before in my life. And…I don't think I'd ever had the word hate pop into my mind regarding her either. It made me feely really, really terrible. But I just didn't want to go. I had no reason to. I was fine where I was, safe in my house, joking around with Melanie and becoming a better person in the long run. Going back to Tennessee meant a lot of things. It meant memories, it meant seeing all the locals I grew up with, and my disgruntled relatives. It also meant seeing Trace, because I was sure he and his family had been invited. I was sure, and still am sure, that he fucking hated me, and I didn't want to end up getting into it with him and ruining my cousins wedding.

But more importantly…

I knew more than anything, that Kerri was going to be there too. Her family was always invited to everything in the past, so there was no reason why they'd be left out of something as important as a wedding. And I knew Kerri's parents. They always forced her into those kind of things. She couldn't say no to them. She'd be there. There was no question in my mind about that.

And I really…I knew I couldn't handle her presence. Not at all.

"I'm not going," I'd told her stubbornly. "I'm sorry mom, I am. But I just can't."

"You're going," she ordered.

"No."

"Justin."

She'd narrowed her eyes at me then, and glared at me. The only other time I can remember my mom ever giving me that look, was when I was in the fifth grade and I pulled Betty Lynn's hair during recess. I'd gotten detention for it, and when my mom had picked me up from school later that day she'd given me that same angry, narrowed eyed look. It had put the fear of god in me then, and fuck…it made me feel the same way in that moment too.

"You're going to that wedding."

I blinked. "Oh, okay."

The food came, and we ate in silence for awhile. It was probably good, because I knew I was on the verge of freaking out, and my mom was probably ready to just abandon me at the restaurant. I was finished with my soup and halfway through my salad when she decided to speak up again. I'd held my breath as she started to tell me about her luncheon with Clive Davis two weeks back. I figured the only reason he'd been having lunch with my mother was to tell her that the industry had decided to drop me. Of course, I wouldn't have been in a fit of tears over it. Music is, and will always be my passion. But I knew my life came first, and I needed to get it back.

"He and Johnny think it might be a good idea if you did a couple of radio interviews," she'd said quietly. "Nothing big…just to let people know that you're still around. He said that maybe you should write a few songs, make them sort of like b-sides and they can re-release Justified in a deluxe edition for the fans. If anything, Justin, it will satisfy Jive's bitching about finances until you feel you're able to tour again."

I knew for the most part, the executives at Jive and BMG, and the people even further up the chain in the music industry didn't resent the fact that I'd chosen to take some time for myself. It was only because I'd cancelled a tour that was already bought and paid for, that some people were showing slight animosity towards me. Of course I'd expected it when I'd broken the news to Johnny that I wouldn't be going overseas after all. He'd told me that while he understood, a lot of people were going to be angry, and that I'd eventually have to face the consequences. At the time I didn't really care. I was too fucked up over what I'd done to Kerri and Trace to think about anything else. But when my mother had brought the subject up, I hadn't hesitated to take what Clive had said seriously. The message was clear. Even though he hadn't put it to my mother in a bad way, he'd basically said my career was at stake and I needed to do something, no matter how small, to keep my name floating around. But a radio interview was something I'd loathed even before I'd gone crazy, so I didn't know how I was supposed to give one in my current state of mind. Writing additional songs, I also knew, would be an issue. It was obvious that I hadn't been inspired to do much of anything, let alone write music, in quite some time. I didn't really know what to think, but I knew that if my career sputtered out like a bad flame I would definitely regret it later on.

"When does he need an answer?," I'd asked her, seriously.

"Johnny told me you should take your time and think about it for a couple of weeks. If you feel you want to handle things differently, just let him know. You're lucky Justin. Clive wants to hear your ideas, and he wants you to be comfortable with what you're doing. You know he wouldn't give many other artists this type of treatment," she'd frowned. "So I'd really take a week, not two, and give Johnny a call, at least about the radio spots. Clive shouldn't have to wait."

It was the first thing we'd discussed since she arrived that made sense. While he made me nervous as hell sometimes, I had really learned to know and love the great Clive Davis well over the years. He'd taken me under his wing when I'd come to him about wanting to do a solo project, and was completely ready and willing to put his legendary name behind me so I could have the freedom to write and record it the way I wanted to, without the label butting in with their input. As far as Clive was concerned it was "Justin's record, and everybody just better leave him the hell alone about it."

"Okay," I'd said. "I can do that."

She knew I'd meant it, but still…she didn't smile. "If only you'd be that optimistic about other things."

I'd looked at my salad.

The rest of our time at the restaurant, and the car ride back to the house went a little more smoothly. Of course, my mom brought up the subject of Melanie, asking how I thought things were working out between us and stuff. I reassured her everything was fine, making sure not to get too detailed about the semi friendship we'd formed. I knew if I told the outright truth it would probably make Mel uncomfortable, just because she'd expressed the fact that she wasn't sure if our forming bond was such a great thing after all. My mom seemed satisfied with my answers, and I was relieved. I hadn't wanted to lie for fifteen minutes about what had been going on, or what had prompted me to give in and get along with the girl. I guess my mom figured that I'd just let loose a little bit and decided to make nice for everyone's sake.

That was good enough for me.

"Maybe we can get a pizza later."

"Yeah," she says. "Maybe."

Mel's been a little off since the other day. I didn't get to talk to her when she got back from lunch with my mom, but the next morning she seemed really withdrawn from me. Sure, we went for a run, but she didn't really talk much, despite my best efforts to make conversation. It made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I felt like she thought I was a bother…or disgusting, or something. I didn't tell her how she was making me feel. I figured I'd confused her enough, and she just…needed time to think things over. Although I've been afraid she's going to pack her bags and leave one night without notice, I'm trying to be strong. I mean, Melanie said she'd stick around as long as I put some effort in. And I am putting effort in. A hell of a lot of it, actually.

So what the fuck is her problem then?

I told her she was scared, and I know that was crossing the line but I felt like I had a right to say it. I could sense it…see it in her eyes. She wants to be my friend, but I don't know. Something…something is holding her back. I don't know what it is, and maybe I'm better off not knowing. But I do want her to stay, and I do want her friendship. It's important. She's the only one that has the patience to deal with me, and really listen to me right now. She makes life seem so…I dunno, normal, and I really like that. So, for the past day and a half I've been trying to come up with something believable to tell her so she'll think I'm worth…befriending?

God, I'm pathetic.

She pulls up to the clinic and turns the car off. For a minute, we just sit there in silence, staring out the windshield. I'm confused as hell and I'm sure she's uncomfortable. I should really just get out and go talk to my shrink, get all this shit off my chest. But then I look at her, and I just…I want things to be okay. "Melanie, about the other day…"

"It's fine, Justin," she laughs a little. "You shouldn't worry about that right now, okay? Just focus on Madison."

"I don't want to focus," I mutter. "I've been trying to talk to you forever. And I just didn't know what to say up until now."

She looks at me. An intense gaze fills her brown eyes, but I can see past it. It's an act. She really does want to give in but she's looking out for me. She doesn't know what would happen if something happened, if we suddenly didn't get along or we had to be separated for good. Fuck I don't know what that would do to me. It would seriously confuse the shit out of me for one. I wouldn't want that. But I just…I don't know, there's just something about her. Something that tells me that no matter how much she may want to run away from me, she can't make herself do it.

"Justin, what are you talking about?," she sighs.

"The other day you said we were getting too personal."

"You don't think so?"

I shrug. "I know that I'm feeling a little better, Mel," I tell her. "And that I wouldn't be if you hadn't pushed me to help myself."

"I didn't do anything," she defends, with a smirk. "You've started to change because you want to. I've just been around to look over your shoulder, Justin. Look…you're a nice guy, and I-I trust you. It's…it's hard for me to trust people. I guess…you might have been right when you said I was scared. I mean, I wasn't terrified or anything, but yeah…I guess I was a little bit scared of what was happening. Your mom just kind of made me realize that there was a world outside waiting on you, and I don't know, I guess I felt I might have been making you forget about all that. I don't want you to focus on whatever kind of bond we have, and forget what's important."

I'm kind of shocked. Mostly because she told me that I was right, something that I never thought she'd do. But also because she's cracked a little. She admitted one of her faults…she has trouble trusting people. For a moment I feel like I've accomplished something with her. That…she really does value my presence, and it's not just because she's getting paid for it. But I don't want to push the subject either. I can tell that it took a lot for her to confess that to me, and I'm afraid if I start to ask my why's and how's, she'll close herself off to me again. "I'm not going to forget what's important," I say softly. "I just wish you'd realize that I…I value you as a friend, not just as somebody that works for me."

She swallows hard. "I guess that should make me feel good, Justin. But at the same time, it's going to take me some getting used to." She focuses her gaze out the windshield again. "I hope that you can accept the fact that I need to consider a lot of things when it comes to you and I."

"I get it," I whisper.

"You wanna go in?," she asks me after awhile.

I have to chuckle. "Not especially."

"Your mom told me that you and Madison get along really well," she says, her eyes full of questions. "You shouldn't be afraid of her."

I shrug, and look down at my lap. My mom is half right. Madison and I did get along…before Kerri and the accident happened. "There's things I can't explain, Mel," I say softly. "We were close before. But now…I think I've kept a lot from her that I don't feel comfortable talking about."

She sighs. "You have to tell somebody." She unbuckles her seatbelt and opens her door.

I look at her. In all honesty, I'd feel a hell of a lot more comfortable breaking down and telling Melanie about what I did to Kerri, rather than Madison. But I know if Mel knew what a horrible person I could turn into, I think it would change her perspective on me a lot. And I don't want that. I've worked hard to be better…for her to have some faith in me. I can't just blow it all now because I'm afraid of talking to my shrink. "I know."

"Come on."

And I follow her. I know I don't have a choice, because I agreed that I'd come for a session today. Besides, the look on Mel's face right now is telling me she's proud I'm making an effort.

Honestly, it's the first time in a long time somebody has been proud of me. And it's also the first time in a long time that I myself, have felt some pride for Justin Timberlake. Maybe Mel's right. Maybe I'm changing because I want to change, and not just because she's been around to help me. Of course, it definitely gave me a head start, having her around. But I think…I think I might be okay. Maybe not right away. I'm sure it's going to be awhile before I can even think about having a life anywhere near to the one I used to have. But at least it's a start. At least I can almost sleep nights now. Even though…

I'm sure the wedding is going to change everything.
***************

(continued next post) 

“Mel…Melanie. Wake up.”

The voice is distant, like its coming from a thousand miles away. My eyes drift open slowly, and I let out a short yawn before reaching up to rub the sleep from my eyes. The sun is shining warmly on my body, something I’m not really used to. The bedroom I sleep in is pretty dark, because I want it that way.

But now that I’m sitting up, I realize why it’s so bright in here.

“Melanie you gotta get up,” Justin says, slightly panicked.

I run a hand through my hair. I realized I slept here all night. I fell asleep after…

Shit, I must have fallen asleep on the couch with Justin.

I’ve never felt so warm next to somebody in my life. It’s like, Justin’s entire body was this one big comfort zone. The minute my head hit his chest, I felt like I could have lied there forever and never been haunted by another bad memory or nightmare again. I can still remember breathing him in, that sweet scent of soap and freshly laundered clothes mixed together. He smelled of comfort, he felt like comfort, and I let myself fall into the trap against my better judgment. I know I’m not stupid. I could have forced myself to wake up and go back to the guest house. But damn it, I just didn’t want to. For the first time in years, there was a man in my life that I actually felt safe enough to be around for the night.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore.

“Melanie!”

I fully snap out of my daze this time, and sit up a little bit more. Justin is frantic now. He has a big garbage bag in one hand, and is bent down on the floor picking up random pieces of junk that have found their way onto his carpet over this past week. “Justin,” I find myself giggling his name. “What are you doing? I’m going to clean later, I promise.”

“My mom is going to be here in five fucking minutes.” He angrily shoves some more junk into the bag. “The house is a mess. I haven’t even showered, and you’ve been here all night. This is bad Mel. I don’t need her asking questions. I…I have too many questions as it is.”

Okay, it’s time to be the straight forward, level headed one again. Yeah, he’s right, the house is a pretty big mess. Normally, I’d never let it get this bad. But I’ve been so preoccupied with other things I mean, yeah I did a pretty good cleaning the other day when Justin and his mom went to lunch, but since then I’ve neglected to make sure I kept up with the mess that Justin leaves all over the house. That should piss me off. I should be yelling at him right now, telling him that its not my fault that he chooses to leave trails of junk all over after I spend hours cleaning the house for him. But I find that I can’t yell at him. I’m still lost in the memory of last night. I’m confused, and happy, and terrified all at the same time. I mean, god, I know nothing really drastic happened. But it’s just the fact that he’s a guy…and I haven’t had any male contact in five damn years. It’s doing things to me. Bad things, that I need to just push deep down inside of me and forget about. “Just calm down, Justin.” I manage to get up from the sofa and I grab the garbage bag from him. “Go up and get showered. I’ll do what I can about the mess before she gets here, all right?”

His shoulders sag a little bit, and the expression on his face is telling me that he feels a little stupid for freaking out. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I guess I’m kind of high strung this morning.”

I think that’s probably my fault. I mean, maybe he woke up with me laying on him and got all confused. It’s probably really unhealthy that I slept here on the couch with him. Madison would probably stab me if she knew, and I’m sure Lynn wouldn’t be pleased at all. “I shouldn’t’ have slept here,” I sigh. “It’s my fault, so just…don’t worry okay? I’ll just put my hair up in a rag and grab a bucket so it looks like I’ve been cleaning. If she gets pissed, she gets pissed. I can take the fall.”

I sound like a damn moron right now, trying to protect him from his mommy’s scolding words. After all this time, I don’t know why he’s so terrified of her anymore. I mean, they’ve been bonding a little bit, and he’s not as cold to her as he was in the beginning. I figured that was good, that maybe Lynn wouldn’t worry so much and wouldn’t’ call him twelve times a day. But since she’s come here, her calls haven’t really eased up all that much. She doesn’t’ call past eight, which I guess is good. But during the day Justin’s cell rings at least once an hour, and Lynn is only staying about ten miles away with a friend. Sometimes I think she’s just a little too much, but I don’t say anything. I know that Lynn and Justin have always been a team. When I first sat down with her, she told me a little bit about Justin’s childhood and his rise to fame with NSYNC. It seemed like her son was also her best friend, which to me was a little strange, but I didn’t let it show. After all, my mother and I barely got along so who was I to judge Lynn and Justin’s relationship anyway?

He turns slightly, like he’s going to listen to what I’ve told him to do, so I start picking up trash and dirty clothes as fast as I can, all the while making a plan of what to tell Lynn if she asks what I have planned out for today. Let’s see…grocery store, tidy up the house, mail some letters, return some calls on the answering machine(even though I never check the thing, Justin hates when I do), and that should be enough to satisfy her I think. If not, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time or something.

“Hey, Mel.”

His voice is soft, and full of caution. It’s like he’s too nervous to talk to me right now, and I feel a sinking feeling form in the pit of my stomach. This isn’t good. I’ve made Justin feel insecure and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to prevent this whole time. Fuck, why did I give in to my emotions like that? I’m supposed to be strong and together…cry behind closed doors. But last night I let him know exactly how I am on the inside, just because I didn’t know any other good alternative to make him feel better about Madison and the whole story he told me about some girl he grew up with. I figured if he knew I wasn’t all together a hundred percent of the time, he’d calm down and feel a little bit less like the freak I know he thinks he is. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I should have patted him on the shoulder, told him he was a good boy like everybody else, and gone to bed.

“Yeah.”

“It’s not bad…that you were here all night,” he says, managing to look me in the eyes. “If…if I’d known you were scared and shit, I probably would have had you over awhile ago. I…I don’t want you to be alone if you’re…you know…damaged or…”

“I’m not damaged,” I grunt. God, now I’m on the defensive. It’s pissing me off that he’s been exposed to my weak side. That he knows I crack just as easily as he does. The last thing I need is a pity party from Justin. He has his own issues that are far from being resolved and I’m not about to saddle him with my past or my present issues. It’s not right, and I’m…I don’t think I’m even ready to let him in any further than I have. I’m slipping. I know it now. It’s been too long that I’ve gone without having a good…close friend that I can confide in. Justin is a great target, because he’s alone and vulnerable. Well I’m not doing that to him. I’m not exposing him to shit that he cant’ handle.

And I’m not exposing myself to anymore shit I can’t handle.

“Okay.” He seems very uneasy as he stares down at the floor. “I just know how you feel, that’s all.”

“Nobody knows how I feel,” I say, trying not to sound too bitter. I can’t help it though. He can’t just figure me out overnight, even though he probably thinks he can. “I don’t mean to come off with an attitude about it, Justin. But…you just can’t know everything about me because I fell asleep on your chest.”

“You’re pushing me away,” he says with a glare. “I thought last night was an important step for us, Melanie. I told you a lot…and…”

“Yeah you did,” I say, with a sigh. “And I’m glad that you did Justin. I know how hard it is for you to talk about things with people, especially somebody like me. But my issues are just my issues. I…I just got too into the moment.”

“Why do you always hide, when you let your emotions out a little?,” he questions, harshly. “You’re allowed to do it too, Mel. I don’t always have to be the one that gets to feel a little bit better, you should know that. You should know that…I’m here for you.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels a little. “And I’d never…you know…make you feel bad about things you’ve done or been through.”

He’s confused, that’s all it is. It’s like he wants to care about me like I care about him, but he doesn’t understand that it’s part of my job to care. I do value him as much as I can as a friend, but I’d never let him see the real, true, honest me. Last night I almost let it happen, so I’ll be more careful from now on. But the girl he saw last night…she was just a shell of the real me. Nothing compared to Melanie Parker form Michigan. I don’t think anybody really knows her anymore. It’s like she’s been replaced with this weird, emotional freak, who hides like a troll in her dark bedroom at night. She thinks she can’t amount to anything, and reminds herself of that when she’s by herself in her dark bedroom. But when she leaves her house in the morning she holds her head up high, because she’s been taught how to live two ways. And it’s good for her. Because if anybody knew…how disgusting she was…

She wouldn’t exist at all.

“I know you wouldn’t.” It’s the most I can say, because I don’t want to put him down, and I don’t want his feelings about me to build anymore than they have. If he thinks he’s making a difference in my life, and making me feel better…that’s good. It’s good that he feels accomplished, and I’m a great actress. So it’s still working out despite the fact that I’m fake as hell. “Thank you for everything last night. I…I appreciate it.”

That part was genuine.

He smiles slightly. “I’ll be down quick. If she comes just…you know, let her in and tell her I took a late jog or something.”

“Will do,” I reassure him, and make sure to watch him run upstairs so I don’t have to worry about him spewing some sentimental comments over the railing. Then…it’s work mode. I clean up the living room as quick as I can, and I have to say it doesn’t look as bad as it could for a ten minute cleanup. I toss the dirty clothes into the hamper in the laundry room, put the trash outside, and concentrate the rest of my efforts on the kitchen. I sigh heavily. I didn’t realize I hadn’t’ cleaned up the kitchen after our dinner last night. Thank god for dishwashers I guess, because that’s where I put everything with food stuck to it. My hope is, Lynn wont bother to inspect it for an empty rack. But then again, she’s not really that anal. She’s more of visual person, which is good for people like me who have to make quick cleanups after messy people like Justin.

I’ve just stopped vacuuming the living room when Justin reemerges from upstairs. He looks a lot different today. He’s wearing a tight muscle tee shirt, with some kind of crazy picture on it, jeans of course, and some sandals. He actually shaved, and I can’t deny the fact that I’m shocked. He looks really refreshed too, something I haven’t seen yet since I’ve been here. I guess I’m wrong by saying he looks different. I think…I think I can say he looks normal. Normal as in, he could go pose for a magazine cover right now with no issues. He looks like he gets sleep, and that he eats. He looks like Justin Timberlake. Not Justin…mental patient. “Look who’s rejoined society,” I smile at him as he reaches where I stand.

He laughs softly. “What do you mean?”

I punch him in the shoulder lightly. “Ya look good, kid.”

He gives me the most bewildered look I’ve ever seen, but there’s no time for me to explain myself because I hear a car roar up the driveway now, and I know Lynn has finally arrived. “It was more like a half hour, Justin,” I say, mockingly. “Next time I wont rush as much.”

“Hey, I was just looking out for us,” he says, a little too seriously, and wanders over to the front door. “You know how she gets.”

I just shrug. Really, I think he was probably paranoid over nothing. But considering last night, I wont blame him or laugh at him for how he’s acting.

Justin opens the door for his mother, and I’m overwhelmed almost immediately. Not only is she standing there, smiling like everything is just fucking great, but she has two little puppies in her arms as well. They’re yapping and wriggling around in her arms, and I’m just…in shock. Why in the world would she buy Justin pets? Can’t she see that he’s hardly able to take care of himself? I cross my arms and groan miserably under my breath. I know what this means. It means more shit that I have to take care of and clean up after. God, and I hate to be a bitch like this too. I know the dogs will make Justin happy. I can already tell by the look on his face and the way he’s laughing as the puppies continue to yap and lick at Lynn’s face.

I’m just not in the mood to take on the responsibility of taking care of them. I’m sure they weren’t cheap, and are going to need all kinds of vitamins and special visits to the vet.

“Mel, look at this,” Justin motions me over with a wave of his hand, and flashes me a huge smile. “Look at what my mom got for me.”

With a forced smile I walk over to where they are standing and survey the scene. Justin is holding both dogs in his arms now, laughing as they lick his face and bite at his fingers. I steal a glance at Lynn, who looks like she’s never seen anything so precious in her life. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I don’t let my emotions show. “Wow.” It’s all I can say, without letting onto the fact that I’m annoyed.

“They’re boxers,” Lynn explains, as Justin proceeds to kneel on the floor and play with his new found friends. “I got them from this wonderful lady up in Napa. She met with me just this morning. They have their papers and everything. From what she told me, their mother was once a Westminster champion. I was only going to take one originally,” she smiles. “But they were playing together and it was just so adorable, I figured the house had more than enough room for two.”

I nod a little, and glance down at the trio on the floor again. Justin is lying on his back now, and the dogs are just…all over him. They’re licking his face and neck, sliding off of him onto the floor, and clambering back up on his chest again. I’ll admit, they are adorable puppies. But I’m sure they are far from house broken, and one day those puppies are going to be big…dogs. Honestly, what was Lynn even thinking about? And why didn’t she tell me she was going to get Justin a dog before hand so I could better prepare myself? “Well they’re adorable,” I say, as positively as I can. “Justin’s going to have a great time with them.”

She looks down at her son, who is as oblivious to our conversation as a five year old would be right now. Honestly, I’ve never seen Justin like this before. You’d think he was on cloud nine, the way he’s acting. You wouldn’t’ think he had a care in the world, and I know…I know that’s why Lynn did this. I know that animals can be therapeutic, and can help relieve stress. That’s important for Justin right now, and it’s probably one of the only reasons why Lynn has sprung this so suddenly on us. I feel pretty crappy for being annoyed, I guess I just have a lot on my mind and I don’t feel like having to tend to the needs of two puppies, when I already have to do so much with Justin as it is. Maybe I’m wrong. I mean maybe…this will teach Justin to take on some responsibility for something other than himself. I just don’t know, but I guess I’ll find out how he reacts when they start howling at three in the morning because they don’t want to be crated.

If I get a knock on my door, I think I’ll flip out on him.

Lynn’s cell phone starts to ring then, and as she pulls it out of her purse and looks at the ID, her smile turns into a frown. “God, I have to take this,” she groans. “It’s Johnny…so, I’ll be back okay?”

I nod, and she rushes away to answer her phone call. Justin hasn’t even noticed. He’s laughing now, probably harder than I’ve ever heard him laugh before. It’s so weird that something as insignificant as a couple of puppies could put him in this good of a mood, but I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. This is a good thing for him, and I should just be happy and keep my mouth shut about how annoyed I am.

“This one’s a girl, Mel. Look.” He holds the dog up so I can get a closer look, and I smile and sit down on the floor beside him.

“They’re nice,” I say, trying not to sound aggravated. “Your mom was sweet to get them.”

“I had black Labrador when I was a kid. He was my grandparents dog though…Bandit.” He doesn’t look at me as he tells me this though, he’s still looking at his dogs with a stupid smile on his face. “But after he died I didn’t really have much time for a dog with all the stuff I was doing.”

I nod a little, knowing that the memory is important to him and that really…he’s probably wanted to get a dog for a long time now. “It’s a big responsibility though, you know,” I say quietly, stealing a glance over my shoulder to make sure Lynn isn’t within earshot. “Two puppies.”

The brightness fades from his eyes a little bit. “You think I can’t handle two little dogs, Mel?”

“It’s not that,” I lie. “It’s just…you know... we’ve been working on getting you better first, before you start doing other things…that’s all.”

“You act like I’m adopting a kid.” He puts the puppy he was holding down on the floor beside the other one. “They’re just dogs, Mel. I think I can at least handle that without screwing it up,” he snaps, like I’ve hurt him or something.

“Well, I’m not going to be the one walking them at all hours of the night, or cleaning up after them when they pee all over the place.” I roll my eyes and force a serious expression for him. While last night was…different, and while I know Justin is really happy having the dogs here, I’m not going to just sit back and watch the chaos unfold. I know somebody has to be the responsible one here, otherwise the whole house is going to stink like animal waste in a matter of days. “They’re you’re responsibility, Justin…” I pause when one of the puppies wanders over to me and scratches at my leg with it’s paw. It wants to be held, and I find myself reaching toward it before I catch myself. No…no I’m not going to cave. “I’m not going to walk them or feed them,” I say, shifting away from the animal. “I want that understood, okay?”

Justin lies flat on his back again and lifts one of the dogs into the air. “Fine. Whatever.” He rocks the dog back and forth in the air and calls it a good boy, trying to pretend that I’m not even there.

Well fine.

He’ll learn the hard way.

The sound of the door swinging open immediately grabs my attention, and I’m forced to look away from Justin. Eric ducks through the door, knocking on it a couple of times and laughing a little as he closes it behind him. “Who’s ready for some basketball?”

I push myself up from the floor, and stare at Justin’s burly bodyguard like he’s speaking another language. As far as I know, today was supposed to be a simple day, without visitors. Now it’s turning into a circus with Lynn, the dogs, and now Eric all here. It’s not a bad thing that Justin has company of course, but I really thought that i was going to be able to slink away to my guest house today, and think about what happened last night. Yea, I’m still really uneasy about it and the fact that I haven’t had a chance to sit and really think about all of this yet is making me very agitated. Still, I force a smile for Eric, knowing that if I don’t it will sour everybody’s mood very quickly. “Oh, hey Eric. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

A whimpering at my feet causes me to look down momentarily and I sigh a little bit. The puppy that isn’t being held is at my feet now, scratching at my foot for some attention. Reluctantly, I pick it up, not wanting to seem like a debbie downer in front of Eric. The puppy licks my face a little bit, and I can’t help the small smile that forms on my lips a moment later. I steal a glance at Justin and roll my eyes. He’s watching me now, the smirk on his face telling me that my supposed dislike for his new “toys” is being short lived. Whatever, it won’t be so cute when I end up doing all the work myself.

“Well uh..” Eric sits on the couch and looks around the room for a few moments. I know this was planned now, probably by Lynn. But why? Lynn didn’t mention that anything was going on today, or that Justin had to go anywhere.

I hate being in the dark.

“I just came to hang out, watch the game with J,” he tells me after awhile. “You down with that J?”

Justin takes his focus from the puppy in his arms for a moment. “What?”

“The game,” Eric laughs.

“Oh.” Justin says, uninterested, and looks back at the puppy. “Yeah, sure.”

I’m about to tell Eric that Justin is probably going to be preoccupied with his new friends for most of the day, but I’d be happy to watch the game with him instead. But then Lynn walks out from the opposite hallway, looking annoyed as she flips her cell phone closed. “That man worries about the stupidest little things,” she groans.

“He was bitching, mom?”

Its the first time he’s taken his focus from the puppies since they were brought through the door, and his tone seems strained too. I haven’t really pried into Justin’s professional life much. The most he’s told me when the subject has come up, is that the entertainment business is a stressful one, and that sometimes you can never please people, no matter how hard you work or how much money you make. I try not to bring up his career because of this. He’s stressed out enough without having to worry about work. But its apparent now, that he does worry about it.

He just doesn’t discuss it with me.

“We’ll talk later,” Lynn reassures him. “It’s nothing that cant be resolved.”

She’s looking at me now, like I’m supposed to say something encouraging. But what the hell am I supposed to say? I tend to stay out of Justin and Lynn’s personal business if I can. I just don’t feel like I play a part in it. I put the puppy down next to Justin, and smile a little bit. “Is there anything I can do Lynn?”

She smiles. “I actually came here to take you out,” she tells me. “So get changed and let’s go.”

She grabs her purse and heads out the door. Justin doesn’t seem to notice really, he’s still interested in the puppies. I look to Eric for an answer but he just smiles and shrugs, before telling me to have a good time.

“So I’ll be back later, okay Justin?” I grab my purse off of the coffee table, having left it there last night.

“Yeah, okay Mel.” He doesn’t look at me.

I guess I’ve been demoted.
I quickly get changed and freshen up before meeting Lynn in the driveway. She’s in a convertible, and I’m figuring she must have rented it because the other day she was driving an SUV. “This is nice,” I say nervously as I get in and fasten my seatbelt. I should be happy that Lynn has decided to take me out with her. Although, it might be because she needs me to be her assistant today, but it doesn’t really matter. I think I need to get out of the house anyway. It will help me clear my head and take my mind off of....well, last night.

She laughs at me. “You haven’t seen it? It’s been sitting in Justin’s garage for months.”

I feel myself blush. I hate to admit it, but even though I’ve been at Justin’s for as long as I have, I still haven’t explored all that much. The house is huge. If you count the finished basement it has three floors and a four car garage. I usually stick to the downstairs area and the upstairs, bedroom side. I should probably yell at Justin for not having given me a proper tour, but I don’t really see why it matters. Honestly, what Justin owns has never been that important to me. The fact that he’s so successful obviously hasn’t helped him, mentality wise. If it had, he wouldn’t be such a wreck half the time.

Maybe its bold of me to think this way, but I think Justin’s career is a big part of the reason he can’t fend for himself.

“I guess the house...it’s just too big,” I chuckle stupidly and look out the window. For the first time today I’m able to take a breath and let everything sink in. It feels good for a moment, but then I remember last night...what happened, and I realize just how uncomfortable the situation has made me.

“I told him that,” Lynn laughs. “But you know Justin. He gets what he wants.”

I don’t respond. There are a lot of ways I could take that comment, and most of them are bad. Justin does get what he wants. Madison even told me that, and so did Justin. He told me how he thinks he really is, how he’s fucked up, and how manipulative he can be. But I just decided to look the other way last night, let myself lean on him and let him hold me. It’s so dangerous, but I know if I was given the same opportunity tonight, if I could relive last night even...I’d do it again. What does that mean though? That I trust Justin? That’s a given. But...but what’s really scaring me is that I could probably fall for him if things keep going like this.

I just don’t know how to handle that.

I should look the other way...

Or run...

But I’m too far in now.

Lynn doesn’t seem to notice how quiet I am though, and I’m assuming she’s either too caught up in her own life, or she doesn’t want my mood to bring her down. She makes small talk and I laugh and force pleasant answers to her questions as we drive. I don’t ask where we’re going, because it doesn’t really matter anyway. Its terrible but, I kind of just want this outing to be over with so I can go home and try to sort out my brain. Of course that would require me hiding from Justin all night, but I think I’d have to.

I just need to think about things for awhile.

We end up at a mall. I think Lynn tells me its called the Westside Shopping Pavilion. I don’t really care either way. Los Angeles to me, seems like such an impersonal, materialistic city. I get why Justin never wants to go out down here. There are people everywhere. Too many of them. And the idea of him coming to this mall with us is entirely out of the question. As we walk through the doors all I can think is how badly I’d rather be home on the couch, watching the game with Justin and Eric and fighting about puppies and responsibility. But I try to snap out of the vision as best I can. Lynn, after all, is my boss. And as long as I’m out with her I should probably act like the professional woman that she hired, and not some irresponsible little girl.

After Lynn enthusiastically cons me into joining her for one of those tiny espresso shots from Starbucks, I find myself getting lost inside Macy’s with her. I’ve never really been a shopper. Back in high school I used to go to the mall, but I never had much money to spend then. I’d usually hang out with my friends in the food court, and once in awhile one of the guys would buy me some new outfits if they really wanted to get on my good side. Those days seem so long ago though, and really, I have no interest in remembering that part of my life. I follow Lynn around, watching her as she picks things and gives them to the girl that had obviously been called in advance to help Lynn shop. Its the strangest thing, watching people cater to Justin and his family like they are some kind of royalty. Even in Best Buy, despite Justin’s quiet manner, the management had bent over backwards to make sure he was completely taken care of.

It’s no wonder so many people want to live this lifestyle.

If only they knew of the consequences.

Hours pass, and I try not to cringe as Lynn swipes her credit card yet again. This time she’s bought a pocketbook. Before, she had us spend about an hour an a half in the mens department picking out some new clothes and a suit for Justin, as if he needs anymore material things in that house of his. It’s starting to get tiring, following her around. I know I shouldn’t be ungrateful. I am, after all, getting paid. But I feel like such a...peasant, if that makes sense. Lynn said she wanted to take me out, but all she really had to say was ‘come watch me shop, Melanie.’ At least I would have been prepared. I mean, there are a lot of things I could have accomplished at the house today if she hadn’t invited me.

Like fighting about dogs with Justin.

I feel like an idiot because I’m smiling now.

“Melanie. I think this would look fabulous on you,” she grins, holding up a little red sundress and thrusting it towards me. “You should try it on.”

She’s laughing, and so I take it to be nice, but I’m cringing on the inside. It has a plunging neckline that I’m sure would accent my figure and cleavage nicely. I”m not into that whole...body showing off thing though. Not anymore at least. I feel so sick about it in fact, that I nearly hand the dress back to her. But when I look her in the eyes, and see how happy that this idea has made her, I can’t tell her no. I just feel bad. It’s rare that I see Lynn this way...smiling and happy. Who am I to spoil her mood? “Sure,” I say, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice.

We go to the dressing room together, as Lynn has some things she wants to try on too, and she makes small talk in the room next to me. I barely hear her as I change into the dress. It’s something about Los Angeles and her sister. Hell if I know. The only thing I”m thinking about right now, is how long it’s been since I’ve seen myself in any kind of revealing outfit. I know the last time was....that night, and I shudder as I stare back at myself in the mirror. The visions of that horrible night are clear in my mind, and I pull up on the dress, ready to rip it off in disgust. I’m near tears, but then...

“Melanie, come out here so I can see you!”

I take a long breath. I really don’t want to go out there, because if Lynn likes how I look I’m going to have to get the dress so she won’t feel bad. Then she’ll expect me to wear it god knows where, and shit...I’m sure Justin will be around. I can’t handle that. I dont want him to see...more than I choose to let him see now. “Be right out!,” I call back, in that sickeningly fake tone of voice I used when I’m most annoyed.

Hopefully Lynn hasn’t noticed.

It takes me a few minutes, but I finally muster up enough courage to reemerge from the dressing room. Lynn is standing before me, in one of the skirt and blouse combinations that she picked out. The look on her face when she sets eyes on me is something I’m not really accustomed to. I think the only other time I can remember another person looking at me that way, was my grandmother on the night of my senior prom. She’d been proud, as she’d never attended her own high school prom when she’d been a girl and had jumped at the aspect of helping me find a dress when a boy in my class had asked me to be his date. I remember we spent hours at the department store looking for the right dress, and when we finally found it she’d even taken the time at home to take in it at all the right places.

I think it’s the only time my grandmother and I acted like some sort of family.

When I’d come down to meet my date that night there had been tears in her eyes. She’d hugged me, given me a kiss, and told me to have the time of my life. I looked back at her, trying to picture how she’d looked at my own mother when she’d been my age. Part of me wondered if she missed it...regretted things about my mom’s childhood. I didn’t ask then, or ever. All I could do was thank her, pose for a picture with my date and go to the prom. I’d never felt so wanted by her, so loved.

And I never got the opportunity to again.

“You look so cute,” Lynn smiles and instructs me to turn around a couple of times before smiling in approval. “This is one reason why I always wished Justin was a girl.”

We both laugh.

“What do you think, Mel? Do you like it?”

I look at myself in the mirror again. A part of me allows myself to think good things...that I look pretty. That I owe it to myself to dress up every now and then, and have some fun. But then that feeling of dread takes over again, telling me I better just be careful and throw on my jeans and button up shirt again. “I dunno,” I admit, sheepishly. “It is sort of....revealing. I dont even know where I’d wear it.”

“Honey.” Lynn says, in a soothing, motherly tone, and comes up behind me. I feel her rub her hand on my back a little bit, and I’m not used to it. I nearly pull away, because I’m such a mess when it comes to human touch...but I stop myself.

“You’re a beautiful girl, Melanie.”

I meet her gaze, and she stares back at me like she knows exactly what I’ve been through. Like she knows why I dont wear make up or try to beautify myself when I go out of the house. I wonder what my mother told her. I...I would really hope she wouldn’t have said anything about the rape. But knowing my mother, she probably wouldn't’ have. She wouldn't have wanted to ruin her squeaky clean image, and let somebody know that something tragic had happened to her sweet, perfect, daughter. “Thanks.” It sounds stupid, but I don’t know what else to say to her. I know she’s trying...that we haven’t had much time to sit around and talk. I mean, Lynn barely knows anything about my personality. Hell she barely knows how much progress Justin and I have made together...that we’re a team. I dont even know how I’d tell her, because I know she wouldn’t get it.

What Justin and I do is our thing.

And I’m smiling again....

“We’ll get the dress.” She brushes her hand against my cheek a little, and winks at me. “And, I want to let you know how happy I am that you’ve stayed and...put up with everything for all this time. I dont get to say it enough, or see you enough. But I can just see it...for the first time, you know? My son...he’s changed so much, because of you.”

She hugs me and I dont really know what to do. Granted, Justin has changed but I dont think it’s only because of me. He needed somebody to tell him to stop acting like an idiot and move on with his life....force him to do it even. But the rest has all been up to him. She doesn't see that. She views him as a child, and that’s really annoying and stupid to me, but I cant tell her all of that. She’s happy, for the first time in a long time. For the first time...she and Justin are getting back on track, from what I can tell. And she feels better knowing that I’m around for him. “It’s nothing.” I smile softly as I pull away from her. She’s crying of course, and I really feel like I matter.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I matter.

We change again, and Lynn pays for the rest of the clothes. The manager asks her if she needs her packages brought out to her car, which of course was parked by valet, and naturally Lynn obliges. Next we end up at the pet store. Lynn says she wants to accessorize the dogs, and I smile, but I really feel like rolling my eyes instead.

“So,” she says, picking up a water dish and surveying it for a few moments. “I’m assuming that Justin told you about Tennessee.”

Her remark confuses me. I’m not really sure what she means. Yes, we’ve had the conversation and Justin has repeatedly told me he doesn't want to go back there. But I dont see what that has to do anything. “Well...,” I begin softly, toying with a plastic food bowl. “He’s mentioned that he doesn’t want to go back there, in the past.”

Lynn nods a little bit. “There’s a wedding coming up. It was hard, but I convinced Justin that he should go down. It’s only a few weeks away.”

I”m surprised Justin wouldn’t have mentioned something like that to me, after he told me all the reasons why he’s so against going back in the first place. I feel myself frown in disappointment. I guess I underestimated him. I guess some things are just too personal for him to share with me. Who the hell am I kidding? I’m really starting to like him, a lot more than I should, and things are getting to my head. Justin has a personal, private life outside of our friendship and I just need to realize that and stop acting like an idiot. “That’s a pretty big step for him,” I tell her. “Going back home and dealing with family.”

“I know.” She puts the dish down and looks at me. “That’s why I want you to go with us.”

Oh no. There’s no way. I mean, meeting Trace and getting the third degree from him was bad enough without having to deal with the rest of his extended family and friends. I wouldn’t fit in. I’m just not good in social situations anymore, and I think Justin really needs to go down there and focus on himself for awhile, get through a week without me. Besides, that would be a great week for me to catch up on myself. It would be nice I think...just to get away from all of this for a little while. “Oh Lynn, I dunno,” I say quickly. “I mean....”

“Madison spoke to me about what happened the other day,” she interrupts me with a frown. “And I listened. I understand her points, Melanie. But at the same time, I couldn’t agree with her, because Justin hasn’t been this happy since before...what happened. Madison didn’t help him to get there either. You did. I...I feel like you should be there. Not just because Justin needs you, either. I...I feel like you’re almost a part of the family now.”

My mouth hangs open a little. How the hell am I supposed to tell her no now? She’s basically just told me that Madison was wrong, and I’m a part of her family. It’s crazy. It’s so crazy but it makes me feel amazing at the same time. “Lynn...”

She takes my hands in hers and flashes me a genuine smile. “You dont have to say yes right away. I know that I’m asking a lot from you, and meeting people in a situation like that is nerve wracking. Just...think about it okay? Think about it and let me know.”

I nod. It’s the best I can do. All I can really think about is how annoyed I am that Justin didn’t tell me about this to begin with. He must have known that Lynn would mention it to me. Did he just forget? Did last night confuse him that much? Or was he planning to tell me today? Knowing him he was probably trying to plot out the perfect ploy in his mind, that would force me to come with him. Suddenly I’m thankful that Lynn decided to tell me first. Justin wont be able to catch me off guard now.

Although, I’m sure he knows other ways of getting me to do what he wants....

“I’ll think about it,” I reassure her. “I promise, Lynn.”

My answer seems to please her, and the rest of our shopping excursion is filled with nothing more than mindless chatter about dogs, fashion, and local gossip. It’s fun and laid back...finally. And that’s good. It means I wont be as stressed to talk to Justin when I get home.

And I have to have a level head then.

It’s nearly five when we get back. Lynn tells me she has a dinner meeting with some executive from Justin’s label, but that she’ll be back tomorrow. I’m thankful. At least now I’ll be able to talk to Justin alone, without looking over my shoulder every five minutes. With a wave and a beep she’s gone, and I go back into the house. Eric is still sitting on the couch, but Justin isn’t with him. I peer ahead and I can see him seated on the back porch in one of the chairs. “How was the day?,” I ask Eric, as I put my bags down on the coffee table.

“Well he’s out on the porch with those damn dogs now,” he sighs. “He got some call before though, it seemed to upset him a little bit. I tried to talk to him, but he didn’t really want to talk about it so I let it go.” He pushes himself off the couch and walks closer to me. “Hey, is it okay if I take off? I’m supposed to meet a friend for dinner, unless Lynn still needs you.”

Eric cares and he means well. I feel bad for him most of the time, because he has to spend so much time hanging around Justin, when I’m sure there’s a lot of other things he’d rather be doing. “Oh yeah, thats fine,” I say, nodding a little bit. “Thanks for staying the day.”

“It’s not an issue.” He reassures me with a small smile. “You’re helping out a lot, girl. I hope you know that.”

I just shrug. It’s like I’m a god send to these people sometimes. “It’s just my job.”

“Talk to you soon.” He heads to the door and opens it, before turning back to face me. “If you need something, make sure you call me, aight?”

“I will.”

I watch him leave until the door closes behind him, and a disheartening silence fills Justin’s living room. Only the soft murmur of the television gives any insight that something was actually happening in this house today. I turn towards the kitchen and peer out the back door again. I can still see Justin sitting in the chair, slouched. The dogs are wandering around too, mindlessly sniffing around. I feel like biting my fingernails because I know the gate leading into the yard isn’t closed, but I know I need to give Justin some credit and hope he’d stop them from wandering off.

I debate how to handle this situation for a few moments. I know sometimes Justin needs his personal space, and I know there’s about a thousand things I could do besides go out there and try to get him to talk to me. I could actually have a nice night all to myself. But then I think about how sad he probably is, how he spent the day basically alone, and I start to feel like I need to do something about it. I can’t push him, I know that. But I think just the fact that I’d be sitting beside him, watching the sunset would be enough to comfort him, even in a small way. I decide to take a risk and go offer to make him some food, since I know I’m hungry too and I doubt that he ate much of anything today.

I approach the sliding glass door with caution, and open it quietly so I won’t startle him. It doesn’t really matter though, the moment puppy number one lays its big brown eyes on me it starts to jump around and bark, causing its partner in crime to do the same. I see Justin jump a little bit, but when he eyes me he relaxes into the chair again. I step out onto the porch, doing the best I can not to step on little doggie feet and heads as I take a seat beside Justin. “Hey, it’s late,” I speak up softly. “I was thinking about fixing a couple of sandwiches or frying up some hot dogs. What do you think?”
He doesn’t look at me. His gaze is focused somewhere in the distance, and even though I cant see his entire face I can tell that he’s more than just upset. Something is really bothering him, and I wish I was a mind reader...I wish I could say something to make him snap out of the mood.

“That sounds cool,” he says, miserably.

It’s quiet and awkward again in a matter of seconds. I open my mouth to start in with some questioning about what’s going on with him, but stop when I feel something warm and wet slide up my leg. I look down and of course the two fuzz balls are gathered around my feet, sniffing at my shoes, licking my bare legs, and tugging at my shoelaces. This time I dont think about having to clean up dog pee, or taking them for long walks. I just focus on how cute they are, because I’m sure that’s what’s been keeping Justin sane the entire time he’s been sitting out here. I reach down and scratch each puppy on the head, receiving a few licks and gnaws on the fingers in return. One of them yaps when I take my hand away, and I laugh a little. “How are the babies?”

“Well one of them peed,” he informs me, finally able to look me in the eye. “But low and behold, I figured out how to clean it up.” He rolls his eyes, and looks back into the distance again.

I don’t let his attitude sour my mood. I know I can’t because that’s what he wants. I think he figures if he’s in a bad mood, getting other people to feel the same way benefits him or something. It’s fucked up, but I’m sure it makes him feel better. Too bad I’m the one person that doesn’t put up with that kind of garbage. “Oh! I get it. We’re playing the sarcastic game tonight, huh?”

“Well, you seemed to think I wasn’t capable of doing anything right this morning,” he grunts.

I hate when he gets like this. The minute his feelings are hurt, or he feels insecure he turns everything around on the person thats trying to help him...from his mother right on down the line. It’s the reason he’s alone, and the reason he’s such a miserable person. “Look, I know you’re annoyed about something.” The tone of my voice raises a little bit as I say it to him. “Dont turn it around on me.”

“Whatever, Mel.”

From what happened last night, to being placed in a panic this morning, to walking around all day putting on a happy face for Lynn...I’m completely shot. I’m not saying that Justin needs to be fake and hide his feelings from me. But it would have been nice to come home to a person that wasn’t so hell bent on making everybody he knows angry and miserable. I feel like I should just go back inside...but that girl....the one that fell asleep with him on the couch last night, she just can’t leave him.

I want to strangle her.
“You know, Justin. I’ve had a long ass day. You got to sit home with Eric, and play with the dogs while I had to go out shopping with your mom for eight hours. I hate shopping, and I was tired, not to mention the fact that I didn’t have a chance to get over her barging in on us this morning with the dogs. I mean they’re sweet and fun ,but they’re also a big responsibility. I just wanted you to realize that. And fuck....” I trail off, trying to keep myself composed and together, but now he’s staring at me. I got him to pay attention and I dont want him to lose focus. I guess...i guess if we’re going to talk about last night now is probably the best time. We’re alone, he’s listening, and I’m on my high horse. Tomorrow, I’m sure I wont be able to be so bold.

“I can’t help that I was a little bit freaked out about waking up on your couch with you,” I say quickly. “So I’m sorry if I had an attitude this morning. I was just concerned about having to clean up the mess that I know the dogs are going to make, because I can barely get you to clean up after yourself. But still...none of this gives you the right to act the way you’re acting towards me right now. All I want to do is fix you dinner and go home, so can I just do that....please, without hearing anything from you about what I did or didn’t do the right way?”

Justin sits in what seems to be stunned silence for awhile after that. I dont think he expects me to ramble off as much as I do sometimes, and I have to admit it’s one of my many downfalls. If I know you....I can talk your head off. In high school my friends couldn’t get me to shut up, and I was happy then. So if I can ramble this much when I’m this fucked up, I guess I know how annoying I can really be sometimes. I’d apologize to Justin, but at the moment I dont really want to give him the satisfaction.

He is being kind of an ass.

“You can just go home if you want,” he says, very softly. “I can make something if I get hungry.”

Justin is a good person. I can see it in his eyes, even at a time like this. Somewhere inside of him, there’s a warm, funny, lovable guy. Somebody that everybody likes, makes friends easily, and loves to have fun. The problem is, somehow, that guy has gotten lost and replaced with this person who’s confused and unsure of himself. I wish I could make Justin look in the mirror and find himself again, but I know how hard that is. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and feel emptier inside than you did the previous day. Still, we’ve been making progress and it kills me when he shuts me out now a days. I guess I just feel that I’m an important aspect of his life now....

But do I really know Justin that well?

“Eric said that you were fine until you got a phone call in the afternoon,” I say. “So what’s up? You can sit here and pout all night if you want to, I understand and I’m not going to force you to put on a happy face. I just want to know who was on the phone.”

He sighs heavily and rubs his eyes. “This is why I told him not to say anything.”

“What?”

“I don’t need to be fucking interrogated,” he spits, and I know all his anxiety is finally being released. “I’m just tired of everybody telling me who I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do.” He looks down and pulls at the bottom of his tee shirt. “It’s not my fault that I can’t do it right now,” he whispers.

I remember the phone call Lynn got this morning before we left. How she came back complaining that Johnny had been difficult. Justin had seem to jump at the thought, and his expression was filled with worry. I dont have any idea what it takes to be in the music business, and I really don’t want to know. But if it effects Justin this badly and makes him an emotional wreck, I’d like to know who the hell his management thinks they are to be pushy with him right now. “This is about work,” I say, knowingly. “Right?”

“Of course it is.” He shakes his head in disgust.

“Well, I mean, if you wanna talk about it....”

He waves his hand at me. “I make you deal with enough stuff, Mel.”

“But I get paid to deal with stuff.” I chuckle lightly and sink lower into the chair. “Besides, I thought we decided last night that me and you were friends, and that goes beyond me working here.”

He’s quiet for a moment, seeming to debate what I’ve just said to him. I think if he could, he’d tell me a lot more about himself...about his life, than he really has. I think Justin has always been a private person in general so he’s not used to talking to people about his issues that are outside his normal circle of friends. That, combined with the fact that he was put through a hellish ordeal, makes him close himself off. I get it, I do. It’s just disheartening....especially right now, when he acts like he can’t talk to me about this kind of thing.

Then again...I keep a lot from him too.

“My mom told Johnny I was going home....” He flinches at what he’s just told me, because he knows that he conveniently avoided telling me about his decision to go home from the beginning. I could be mad, but right now, I dont see a point.

“Your mom told me,” I say quietly. “It’s okay.”

“I should have told you though,” he nods. “It’s something we’ve discussed. There’s no reason why I should have kept it from you.”

I shrug. “It’s really not a big deal Justin. What is a big deal, is the fact that you’re sitting out here looking like you want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I know people demand a lot of you and want you to be their go to guy for certain things. But your life has changed...considerably, you know? You’ve been through some shit and hey, maybe it sucks that you haven’t gotten over it yet. But they can’t expect you to just bounce back like a robot. And if they think you can, if they want to treat you like you’re not a human being...then I’m sorry, but fuck them.” I eye him quickly. He seems to be listening to my rant, which I guess is good. But then again...he might just be doing it so I’ll seem satisfied and leave him alone when I’m done.

“You have to do what you want to do, what makes you happy,” I continue. “And you don’t have to make other people happy Justin, because if you keep trying to pacify everybody else, you’ll lose yourself in the process and everything we’ve been doing....all the progress you’ve made, will be wasted.” I bite my lip, and when he doesn’t say anything, I let out a nervous laugh. “And now I feel like a motivational speaker. Do you think I should go on Montel?”

He stares at me for a few moments, and just as I think that I’ve made a complete ass out of myself...he starts to smile. Then he laughs, a completely genuine laugh. It’s filled with warmth and I’m reminded that Justin isn’t so cold. That...the genuinely happy person buried underneath all of his pain is still around in some form. I want to know him...embrace him...

I want to be his friend too.

“Where did you come from?,” he whispers with a smile.

“Neptune,” I laugh, not quite looking him in the eye. “Next question.”

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “He just....wanted me to go home a few days early to do a fucking show. And you know, I’m in no state of mind to do that sort of thing, so I told him that I couldn’t do it. He got pissed, and I just wasn’t in the mood to hear him tell me that my career was at stake and I wasn’t as important to the label as I thought. It hurt me you know? I’ve brought in so much money for those people over the years. I figured they’d understand what’s been going on and that I need time.” He rubs his hands together and lets out a long breath, before closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the chair.

It’s not fair. I feel like I should climb up on a soap box, megaphone in my hand and preach my thoughts about Justin’s situation to the world....but of course that’s not logical. I just...I can’t understand the entertainment business. If Justin were just a regular guy, nobody would care how often he stayed at home, trying to overcome what happened to him. But because he makes other people money...because their bank accounts depend on his output, they’ll give him hell for trying to take care of himself. I cross my arms and shake my head. “That pisses me off,” I finally say, the anger in my voice apparent. “I can’t say like...that I really listened to your music before. I was never really into music like that....” I wince a little bit. I don’t mean to bruise his ego or anything, but I’m really not into popular music. I like indie rock, jazz...things like that.
I never thought it would matter until now.

But he just snickers. “It’s cool, Mel.”

(continued next post) 

I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning.  My mouth had tasted sour and when I’d finally managed to sit up my head had begun to pound like somebody had just beat the crap out of me.  Funny, I couldn’t remember what my first drink had been the night before, or which one had completely put me over the edge.  All I knew was that I’d been a drunken mess by midnight, and Tarin had been egging me on to drink more along with the group of friends that had gone out with us.  I thought I may have fucked her before I started puking in the bathroom, but I couldn’t be too sure.  She left early this morning for work too so it’s not like I could have asked her.  In any case I feel like a complete asshole either way.  It’s been forever since I’ve gotten that wasted...

And I know I only did it for one reason.

Despite the fact that I screamed at her, that I told her I was done with her...that she could pretty much fall off the face of the planet and it wouldn’t phase me, I still feel horrible about it all.  I mean fuck, thats Kerri.  I’ve been there for her through everything, and managed to keep somewhat of a level head.  Sure, things sort of started to fall apart recently and all, but was turning my back on her really the right decision to make? When I didn’t get up to bring her to work this morning, was it sending her the right message? Was it really “teaching her a lesson” so to speak? I just don’t fucking know.  I do know that it’s taken every ounce of strength inside of me to keep myself from picking up the phone to see if she’s okay.  It’s why I got drunk last night.  Tarin told me everything would be fine, that Kerri is more trouble than she’s worth and I need to focus on making myself happy.  That should make me feel great too...I mean any other time I’d be really happy that Tarin was supporting my decision.

But she doesn’t know about the things that Kerri has endured...the things she’s seen.

And she doesn’t know that Justin was brutally raped by some sick fucking asshole, either.

On the other hand, I just can’t take it anymore.  Kerri’s attitude has only seemed to get worse since she moved out, and it seems to be because I’ve started seeing Tarin.  I just don’t understand, because she really seemed to want me to be happy for awhile there.  Maybe it’s because we fooled around that time, but I don’t know.  We both realized that being physical wasn’t healthy for either of us...too much shit had happened already.  So then why does it bother her so much that I’ve moved on?  I guess maybe she was scared that I didn’t care about her so much anymore, but fuck she knows better than that.  Or at least, I thought she did.  

Okay, there was that one night she called me and I pretty much blew her off.  But what was I supposed to do? It was one o’clock in the morning, and I was in the middle of having sex with Tarin.  Stopping all of that to talk to Kerri on the phone wouldn’t have just been fucked up from Tarins perspective...but hell, I was in the moment.  Kerri was lucky I could even remember her name, let alone keep a straight tone over the phone.  I know I could have talked to her about it in the morning when I’d driven her to work, but I just wasn’t in the mood then.  That probably makes me a jerk too, and I know that.  But damn it, Tarin is my girl and if I’m sleeping with her I don’t see why I need to explain myself to Kerri.  That’s the thing that made me lose it yesterday I think.  It was like she expected an explanation out of me.  Like she wanted me to say ‘oh it’s not that serious, I’m just going to sleep with her until I get bored.’  It pissed me off.  And then to top things off she starts talking about how Justin doesn’t talk to her anymore.  Honestly, what the fuck did that have to do with anything?  Justin had nothing to do with our conversation at all.

Even though I’ve decided to give it a go and try to work things out with Justin, I pushed her away anyway. I guess it really pissed me off that she was still concerned about his feelings for her after how badly he treated her when they were on speaking terms.  My feelings towards Justin are a lot different that Kerri’s are, and she’s so fucked up she can’t realize that he probably hasn’t thought about her since they broke up anyway. Part of me regrets what I did.  But mostly, I feel a little bit better knowing I don’t have to worry about her so much...at least for now.  She’s in a good place, at that home where people can help her.  And I just...I just need to get myself back together, all the way. I owe it to myself.  And now that Tarin is in my life again, I think I owe it to her too.

We’ve only really been dating for two weeks now.  But hell, it feels like we’d never broken up in the first place.  Am I falling too hard too fast? Maybe.   Do I care? Fuck no.  She’s great.  I mean, really great.  After Kerri was out of the house, and Tarin would start coming over, I remembered all the shit that used to drive me crazy about her back when we’d originally dated; her smile, her laugh, the crazy stories she’d tell me about her family, her friends, and her career.  It was refreshing to hear funny shit coming from somebody for a change.  There’s no drama with Tarin, I know it, and I’m going with it, until I have a reason not to.  She makes me happy, the happiest I’ve been in awhile and that’s good...it’s healthy.

Especially because I have to do a lot of difficult shit in the coming weeks, and I need something in my life to ease the tension.

I got a wedding invitation in the mail the other day.  At first I was confused, because normally when there’s a wedding going on I find out about it way in advance so I can plan for it.  When I opened it though, I figured out just why it was that my mom hadn’t mentioned anything to me.  Justin’s cousin is getting married next month in Tennessee, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely uncomfortable going back home.  A family wedding means..well..just that, family.  And in our family, when somebody is getting married, I think every long lost relative in the Ayala and Timberlake family crawls out of the woodwork.  It’s horrible to say it too, but I know 99 percent of the time it’s because everybody and their granny wants to see Justin. It used to irk us alot when we were younger and Justin was getting really famous.  Everybody would flock down home for birthdays, holidays...shit like that.  Even his dad would show up, and in the beginning it was fucking weird as hell because he’d never really paid much attention to Justin after he’d married his second wife.  We went with it though.  All we really had to do was hide around back and not tell anybody where we were going.  

That’s how me Justin and Kerri spent the bulk of our family get togethers: smoking weed in the woods behind Lynn’s house, not caring what anybody else thought.  I remember being grateful for moments like that when Justin had been caught up in so much hysteria.  It gave us a sense of reality, and it gave Kerri a chance to see us the way she knew us...instead of caught up in some crazy spotlight.

It’s sad to think things will never be like that again.

I’ve been meaning to ask somebody whether or not Kerri is supposed to go to this thing.  I’d ask Lynn but seeing as how she basically told me not to talk about her the last time, I don’t think it’s a good idea.  I guess the best thing I can do is ask Kerri about it when things have calmed down a little bit, even though I have no idea what I’ll say to her.  If she’s going its probably because her parents are making her, and I’m sure she wants even less to do with the whole thing than I do.  To make things worse, I have the feeling that Lynn is forcing Justin to go home for this as well.  If they ran into each other, I know things could get really ugly really fast, and so...once again, I feel like I have to keep my guard up...be the mediator or something.  It’s stupid and it sucks but I feel like if I don’t do it, somebody’s wedding will be unnecessarily ruined.

I guess that’s partly why I’m here today.

It’s ridiculous that I’m shaking right now.  I’ve known Justin my entire life, and we’ve done everything together.  I’ve told him my deepest secrets, and we’ve cried together.  There’s not a reason in the world I should be nervous, but yet...i feel like I’m going to puke.  I guess it’s because the last time I saw Justin I told him I never wanted to see him again.  I regret it now, but back then I was so disgusted with him I didn’t really care what I said.  I’ve been stubborn for a long time too, I know that.  It’s really because of Lynn that I finally pulled my head out of my ass.  I mean, what was I thinking anyway? Justin's like my brother...it’s stupid that I’ve shut him out for this long, and it’s time we talked again.  We’re both grown adults, and it’s horrible to say but...now that Kerri is out of the picture I think we’ll be able to think a little bit clearer too.

Fuck, I’m a terrible person.

I pull the key out of my pocket, chuckling a little bit when I put it in the lock and it opens the door.  Despite how paranoid he is, he still didn’t change the locks on me, and I know he probably didn’t with the hopes that I’d come back over to talk.  I take a few steps into the house, and knock on the door a little before closing it behind me.  It’s quiet, but then again it’s only ten in the morning.  Knowing Justin, he’s probably still asleep.  But that’s not who I’m really worried about running into anyway.

It’s that Melanie girl I’m concerned about.

I still don’t know how I feel about her being here.  She didn’t really hit me the right way the day we had lunch with Lynn, until she followed me out to the car.  She seemed a lot more genuine then, because I guess she saw something in me that she hadn’t allowed herself to before.  I think she may have realized that I cared about Justin a lot....but I was just being stubborn as always.  In any case, it’s made me wonder about her a lot...about how she is with Justin.  If he’s been doing okay with her around instead of me.  

“Hello?” I call out.  

No answer.

Figuring he’s asleep and she’s running another infamous errand, I take a seat on the familiar sectional leather sofa in Justin’s living room and turn the TV on.  It’s so weird, it’s like I never even left the house.  Everything is still the same as it always was, right down to the placement of the old magazines strewn across the coffee table and the familiar scent of Justin’s favorite Yankee Candle filling the air.  I feel more at home than I’ve felt in months, like I could just grab a beer from the fridge(even though I know it’s not there) and fall asleep in front of the TV.

“What the fuck!”

I gasp and jump up from the couch, whirling around to come face to face with none other than Melanie herself.  She looks terrified, and I’m sure I’m the last person she expected to find chilling out on Justin’s sofa.  I really should apologize and explain myself, but considering I’m pretty sure I got laid last night, and that she looks like she’s been scrubbing out a toilet all morning, I’ll be a little cocky instead.  “Hey Mel,” I chuckle.  “Looking good I see.”

“How the did you get in here?”  She demands, slapping the rag in her hand at her side.  “You gave me a damn heart attack!”

“Calm down, would you?”  I sit back down on the couch again and resume channel surfing before continuing on.  “You honestly thought I didn’t have a key?”

“You honestly thought it was okay to just come waltzing into the house unannounced?”  She storms around the sofa and stands in front of the television, so I’m forced to pay attention.  “What the hell, Trace?

I shrug.  “I have a right to be here, Melanie.  You don’t have to act like it’s the worst thing in the world.”  One thing I can already tell about this girl is she overreacts way too much.  Being through what I’ve been through with Justin, I know that she probably has her reasons for being this way but fuck...it’s really annoying.  “I mean, yeah, next time I’ll call if it will make you feel better....”

“It will,” she interrupts me with a roll of her eyes.  “I mean, thats what most civilized people do anyway.”

Bickering with her is going to get me nowhere, and I’ve been entirely too stressed out as it is this week without making it worse.  So I’ll just get to the point, like I should have done from the beginning.  “I’m here to see Justin,” I tell her, seriously.

“Well, does he know that you’re coming?,” she scoffs.  “Because I don’t need to give him the same heart attack that you just gave me.”

“Look, I shouldn’t have to ask your permission to be here, and you know...you do work for Lynn,” I point out.  “So if you could just get him for me....”r32;
“Mel, what’s going on?”

I guess I don’t need to argue with her anymore after all.  Justin is on the stairs now, with nothing but a towel around his waist.  I can tell he just got out of the shower, and honestly I’m kind of shocked he’d come downstairs so scantily clad in front of the girl.  It makes my mind swim with a thousand questions that I’m scared of getting the answer to, so I just stand up and make my presence known before Melanie can talk me down, or tell Justin to go upstairs until she ‘handles’ things.  “Hey, Justin.”  I shove my hands in my pockets, and lick my lips nervously, not knowing what’s about to happen and partially too scared to find out.

He just stares at me.

“He...he let himself in.” Melanie stumbles with her words, like Justin is her master or something and she’s broken the rules.  “I’m sorry, Justin.  I...I didn’t know, or I would have told you.”

“Well that’s Trace,” Justin speaks up softly after a moment.  “Just does whatever the hell he feels like.  It’s not your fault, Mel.”

I stare back at him, knowing I deserved that for showing up at his house like this, but hating his attitude at the same time.  Honestly, he doesn’t know why I’m here.  What if it was a life or death kind of thing? What if I had come to tell him something really important? I hate that he’s jumping to conclusions.  But then again, should I have expected any other reaction after all this time?  “I thought we could talk,” I say, quietly.

“Why?”  He laughs sadly.  “You finally realized how stupid you are?”

It makes me want to punch him.  “Listen asshole....”

“I'm not going to stand here and watch you two tear each other apart.” Melanie intervenes, angrily.  “Justin, your dogs still need to be walked.  Remember?”

He takes his angry gaze off of me for a split second so he can look over at Melanie.  “They’re still asleep.  I”ll do it in a few minutes.”

“And when they pee all over your sheets, I’m not going to wash them,” she snaps.  “God, Justin...it’s not my fault somebody decided to mess up the routine today.” She steals an angry glance at me.  “Walk them.”  She points a finger at him, and turns on her heel, disappearing into the kitchen.

It’s so weird.  If I’d never met them before and didn’t know any better I’d think they were an old married couple.  She orders him around like she’s the master of the house and Justin seems to linger on her every word.  Even now, he looks like he feels bad...like he should have known better.  He’s even turning around to head back upstairs.  It seems like he’s forgotten that I’m even here and fuck...I don’t know what to think, but I do know that Melanie shouldn’t be working for Justin.  It’s obvious that she confuses the hell out of him, and I have to wonder what the hell Lynn was thinking about when she hired the girl to work here.  “Dogs?” I say.

He stops on the stairs.  “You’re still here?”

“We need to talk, Justin,” I nod.  “You know that we do.”

He laughs.  “I thought you never wanted to see my fucking face again, Trace.  Those were your words.”

I sigh.  “I was angry, Justin.  Could you blame me?  What you did was pretty fucked up.”  I won’t mention Kerri’s name, because I know I don’t need to.  We both know what he did, and he should know that alone was grounds for me to cut him off completely.  

He slaps his hand on the handrail.  “You act like I didn’t feel terrible about it.”

There’s a look in his eyes that I can’t really describe.  He looks hurt, angry and scared all at the same time.  I know I’ve reached a delicate subject that neither of us is ready to talk about, so I’ll move on.  “I just...I’ve been thinking.  I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Justin.  You’re too important...like family, you know? And I think deep down you feel the same way.  Give me an hour.  That’s all I’m asking.  In fact, I shouldn’t even have to ask.  I’m the one who’s doing you a favor by being here.”

He glares at me.  “You’re not doing me any favors, dumb ass.”  He sighs after that and takes a few minutes to battle out his decision in his head.  “But I guess...” he finally says.  “I guess I owe you at least an hour.”  

I could be a dick and maintain my serious demeanor but instead I just smile, and let out a hearty laugh.  “More like ten years, but I’ll let you slide.”

“Let me get clothes on and get the dogs.  We can go for a walk or something,” he says, and walks back up the stairs.

I sit back down on the sofa to wait for him to return.  That went a lot better than I expected, and I’m kind of surprised.  I smile to myself as I reach for a magazine to thumb through.  Maybe this is a positive step.  Maybe I can talk to him...really talk to him, and get some shit off my chest.  Maybe he’s changed...maybe, just maybe...I can finally have my best friend back after all this time.  

“What are you planning on talking to him about?”

Melanie’s voice echos from somewhere behind me and I roll my eyes, not bothering to turn around and face her this time.  “Does it matter?”

“Yeah, because I don’t need him getting upset right now.”  She’s leaning over the couch now, her face directly in front of mine.  It’s the first time I’ve really gotten a close look at Melanie.  That time in the car I was too distraught to really care, but now....now I’m taking her in.  She has a welcoming complexion, a natural kindness.  Somebody I could easily get comfortable with in about five minutes.  Her eyes are soft, but bright, and pretty.  If the circumstances were different, I’m sure I’d view her in a completely different way.  Hell, maybe I’d even be friends with her.  I can see right through this whole seriousness front she’s putting on for me.  I can tell just by looking at her that the girl is a total sweetheart who’d do anything for you.  And that scares me...not because I find myself suddenly wanting to trust her...

But because I know what Justin can do to a vulnerable girl like her.

I cross my arms and smirk a little bit.  “You two are pretty close huh?”

She swallows and clears her throat slightly.  “Why...why do you say that?”

“Just seems obvious.” I shrug.  “You’re getting pretty defensive over him, don’t you think?”

“Somebody has to look out for him,” she says, gruffly.  “And as we discussed the last time we saw each other, you haven’t been around.”

I toss the magazine back on the table and sigh.  “I don’t want to argue with you Melanie.      I’ve just...i’ve been doing alot of thinking and I guess the stuff Lynn talked to me about that day at the restaurant really got to ,me that’s all.  I’m not an asshole or anything, but for a long time things with Justin and I weren’t working out.  I didn’t feel like sticking around was the best thing for either of us.”

“But you’re not supposed to desert your friends,” she whispers, a sad look in her eyes.  

There’s so much that she can’t know about, and I realize now just how naive she is to everything that’s happened.  I doubt Justin has told her much, if anything, about what happened to him in that place and after the fact.  I do get the feeling though, that he blamed the fact that he’s been all alone solely on myself and Kerri.  That really makes me angry enough to walk out right now too, but I know I can’t.  I need to get some shit off of my chest, and since I don’t have a damn thing going on today it’s the best opportunity to do it.  “There’s a lot more to it than what you think, Melanie,” I say.

She crosses her arms.  “I doubt it.”

The scratching of nails against wood flooring causes me to forget about my discussion with her for the moment, and look up at the staircase.  I have to laugh when I see Justin struggling with two boxer puppies on a leash.  I’m assuming Lynn must have gotten them for him, because Justin was always talking about getting a couple of dogs as soon as the tour was over.  They’re loud and they bark and jump around.  Justin doesn’t seem thrilled at all, but I can’t help but laugh out loud.  “Damn, Justin.  Got your hands full I guess?”

He glares at me as the puppies pull him down the stairs.  “Shut up.”

“Don’t come back until they’ve both done their business.  I dont feel like cleaning up dog mess again, Justin,” Melanie orders him.

Justin is pulled to the door.  The dogs start whining and scratching at the door, obviously eager to get outside.  I look on with an amused smirk.  It’s great to see Justin finally having to do some shit for himself.  One thing I’ve noticed about Melanie is that she doesn’t put up with his excuses...at all.  Maybe thats how she got him to go running, like she told me about.  I’m almost impressed.  It almost makes me forget about how much I dislike her vulnerability, and bossy attitude.  I mean, I guess Justin needs somebody like that.  I guess...i just couldn’t be that way with him because I was his best friend, and I was so scared of breaking him again.  In a way, it’s better that Melanie doesn’t know a lot of what happened.  It gives her grounds to make Justin wake up.  But at the same time, a small part of me still doesn’t trust it.

At the same time...something inside of me is telling me that Melanie is going to get hurt no matter how strong she is. I’d tell her but I guess it’s not my place.  Not that she’d believe me anyway...she’d just call me a selfish asshole and then I’d get pissed.  No, for
today at least I’ll just stick with what I know....

Justin and his shitty attitude.

“You coming?,” he sighs as he manages to get the door open.

 I glance back at Melanie, who has proceeded to remove all the pictures and trinkets on the mantle so she can dust it.  She doesn’t look back at us, and I know that she’s completely avoiding the fact that I’m here and about to hang out with Justin.  It’s bothering her...a lot.  But I can’t say I blame her.  She’s worried about what this will do to him.  I keep telling myself that she just cares about him like a friend would.  But for some reason...I just think there’s more to it than that.  “Yeah.”  

He walks ahead of me and I try my best to catch up with him as he’s pulled towards the front gate.  I’m a little surprised when he hits the button to make them open.  I can’t remember the last time Justin went outside of his gated sanctuary without the aid of Eric or Tiny at his side.  It’s weird...new, and a lot different from what I was expecting.  Maybe I was right.  Maybe he has changed for the better.  “This is different,” I say, trying to catch my breath as I catch up with him.

“What’s different.”  He scowls as he pulls back on the leash.  

“We’re outside of the gate,” I point out.

He looks at me, but he doesn’t smile.  “Yeah, I know.”

One of the dogs takes a dump underneath a tree, and we move on unaffected.  Justin seems strangely calm, but doesn’t hesitate to look over his shoulder every now and then.  I can’t blame him of course.  “So...I guess you’ve been a little better,” I say, trying my best to spark a conversation.

He shoots me a sarcastic smile.  “Yeah look at that.  And I didn’t need your help or anything.”

All right I get it.  I was wrong to cut him off completely.  I mean yeah, I had my reasons but its something I really should have considered beforehand.  I probably look like such an asshole crawling back to him right now and acting like everything is okay.  Clearly, in his mind, it’s still not.  Maybe I should just leave...let him think about things.  “Justin look...”

“No...,” he grunts, trying to control the dogs and pay attention to me at the same time.  “Why did you come here Trace? I know you didn’t just wake up this morning and decide to pay me a visit.  You’re as stubborn as I fuckin am.”

He’s right and I feel like a big asshole right now for trying to play it all cool and shit.  Honestly, this is the fakest I’ve been around Justin in awhile and I guess I should just cut the bullshit and get to the point.  “Your mom convinced me I should come talk to you. “ I say.

“Oh okay.” He lets out another fake laugh as the dogs continue to sniff around.  “You mean the day that you had lunch with her and Melanie and you treated Mel like a piece of shit, right?”
“Oh give me a break, Justin.  I didn’t know her, all right? And your mom just sprung it on me that some girl was living with you and helping you out.  What was I supposed to do? Be her best friend?”  I know I’m leaving out the whole part that I saw her the day I was sitting outside of his house, but I feel like if I tell him that, he’ll think I’m even more pathetic.  “I didn’t trust her.”

“You judged her.  Come on Buck, Brennan.” He pulls the dogs forward, and looks back at me.  “Don’t act like you didn’t.”

I cross my arms across my chest.  “Like you don’t judge people?”

He doesn’t answer.

We walk in silence for awhile, just watching the dogs do their thing.  I notice that Justin doesn’t even begin to head back towards the house until each of the dogs has pooped and peed at least twice.  It’s a little sickening to me that he’s following Melanie’s demands to a T, but I don’t say anything.  It’s obvious that he’s annoyed about my opinion about her so far, and I really don’t feel like fighting with him about it anymore at the moment.

“So what’s been going on with you, Trace?”

His question catches me totally off guard.  It sounded too normal, almost forced, but I’m glad he’s at least trying.  At the same time though, I don’t know what to tell him.  Do I talk about Kerri? Do I avoid the subject? Do I tell him that I’m bored and I’ve been trying to find something to get into but I just can’t seem to do it? Do I just talk annoyingly about how hot Tarin is? No...he’ll know that I’m just bullshitting.  “Oh you know...same old shit.”

He smiles back at me.  “You suck at lying.”

I shrug.  “Well I don’t know what you want me to say.”

We reach the gate again and he enters the security code.  He looks at me for a long moment and clears his throat a little bit.  “Well...I mean, Kerri’s been staying with you right? How have you guys been doing?”

I want to puke.  That was the one thing I was hoping he wouldn’t mention, but I guess I should have known better.  I want to lie and just tell him everything is fine.  He doesn’t need details.  He doesn’t need to know where she is or how she’s been acting.  “Fine,” I nod.  

“Oh...I get it.”  He shakes his head as the gate slides open.  “We can only talk about what you feel comfortable with.”

“I didn’t say that.”  I follow him onto his property and the gate slams shut behind us.  “You know, you’re not making this easy for me either, Justin.”

He turns to me angrily.  “Then just say it.  Tell me that she’s fucked up, because I know she is.”

I ball my fists at my sides.  “Don’t make this about Kerri.”

The dogs begin to pull on the leashes and yelp, and he angrily turns around again and starts to let them lead him toward the house.  “What the fuck is it supposed to be about then?”

I jog to catch up with him.  “I came to resolve things between us.  I didn’t come to talk about what Kerri is doing.”

Once we get close enough to the house, Justin lets the dogs off the leash and they go bounding towards the doorway, which he’d left open a crack.  They push it open all the way and disappear inside.  I’m thankful for that. Now, maybe Justin will be able to focus a little bit better.  

“I don’t know how you expect to resolve things in an hour,” Justin says, wiping some sweat off of his forehead with his arm.  “It’s been months.”

“And we’ve been friends for a hell of a lot longer,” I point out.  “Just put the shit behind us, Justin. I’m ready to.”

He sits down on the grass, and I join him.  He picks at the blades of grass with his fingers silently.  It’s annoying and I can only remember one other time in my life when things had been this tense between us, when I’d had to tell him that I’d been the one that had gotten Shane hired.  He’d went ballistic, told me he wished I was dead.  Hell, he shouldn’t even be acting like this right now. If anything, he’s lucky I’ve put all of that behind me.  What the fuck?  What gives him the right to sit here and act like he’s the victim.  “You know...”

“I’m sorry I blamed you for Shane,” he blurts out suddenly.  “It bothers me every day, Trace.”

I stare at him, dumbfounded.  I was expecting him to say alot of things today, but certainly not that.  Honestly, we’ve only really discussed that whole thing once or twice, and while I told him that I’d put it behind me I guess I never really forgave him either.  Ever since it happened, things have been severely strained between us.  I think the Kerri thing just put everything over the top.  “I never really forgave you,” I say after awhile.

“I don’t blame you.”

It’s quiet again, like it always is when each of us knows what the other one is thinking.  I know he’s sorry, and he knows that I’m ready to forgive and forget, even though it’s going to be hard getting back to the level our friendship used to be at.  “I’m trying,” I say finally.  “I miss you, man.”

He looks at me.  “You have no idea how hard its been without you.”  His bottom lip trembles a little bit and I watch as he wipes a few tears off of his face.  “The last person I wanted to lose was you.”

“That time you called...,” I sigh and finally look at him again.  “I felt really shitty for hanging up on you like that.”

He shrugs.  “I knew you would.  I just needed somebody and I had nobody else to call.”

I officially feel like the worst person on earth, even though I shouldn’t.  Justin deserved it, and I wasn’t ready to talk to him.  But seeing him now, knowing that he was probably in a really bad state of mind then makes me wish I could have snapped out of my mood for that moment in time.  I know I can’t change the past though.  The most I can do is move forward from here, spend time with him, and find my best friend again.  “I want things to go back to how they were,” I tell him.  “I mean, I know they’ll never be completely back to normal but...as long as we can be friends again, I think I’ll be okay.”

He smiles genuinely, for the first time today.  “I want that too.  I want it really bad, Trace.”

I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him.  “You wanna go back to the house?”

“Sure.”  He lets me help him up.  “Mel probably made something to eat.”

He’s smiling and for the first time I realize how much better he looks.  He’s not pale at all, and he looks like he’s getting his sleep.  Those bags under his eyes that would seem to take over his entire complexion are non existent now.  He’s clean shaven, and his usual mess of curls has been tamed.  He’s not dressed like a bum either.  He matches, like he’s always been so meticulous about in the past.  I’m almost proud of how far he’s coming along.  And to think that Melanie of all people has played a big part in getting him back in control of himself is more shocking than anything.  Madison was supposed to be the one that was getting him all straightened out.  Which is why I really think there’s feelings involved between Justin and Melanie...strong ones.  And it’s scaring me.  I want to ask him what’s going on, but I don’t know how he’ll react.  I want today to go well, so things can start getting back to normal.

But I’m sure my curiosity will get the best of me.

We get back into the house and the dogs proceed to jump all over Justin while he makes his way over to the kitchen table.  It’s been set nicely, kind of like the way my mom sets up the table for Sunday brunch after church.  It’s weird because my mom isn’t here, it’s not Sunday, and the girl that has gone to all of this trouble considered me an asshole just a few moments ago.  I guess I don’t know her as well as I think, or...she just wants to fuck Justin so badly that she’ll put on this Susie Homemaker front to turn him on.  But that kind of thing doesn’t turn Justin on, so I don’t even know what to think except that she actually finds pleasure in doing this sort of shit.  

“Here you go boys.”

She places a large platter of sandwiches in front of us, and a moment later returns with a pitcher of what looks to be freshly made lemonade.  My mouth waters.  It reminds me of coming in from mowing the lawn on a hot summer day and being rewarded by my momma.  God I’m such a dork, but it’s been forever since I’ve had this kind of a homey feel and fuck...I’m going take advantage of a good thing.  “Thanks.” I smile and take two sandwiches from the top of the pile.  Justin does the same, and when Melanie swats his hand away from the pitcher of lemonade and pours it for him herself, I can’t help but smile a little bit.

They really are cute.

“You spilled it the last time,” she tells him when he frowns at her.

“Well maybe you should pour Trace’s too,” he grumbles.

“Maybe I should give the rest of your lunch to the puppies.”  She grins at him, and when he doesn’t protest further she simply wanders away into the adjoining room.  

Justin and I eat quietly for awhile, before the curiosity begins to nag at me so badly that I can’t control it anymore.  I finish my fifth sandwich and sit back, letting my belt out a little because I feel so stuffed.  “So,” I yawn, as Justin slurps down some more lemonade.  “When’s the wedding?”

He looks at me.  “Huh?”

I have to laugh.  He looks so perplexed by my question I’m surprised he didn’t fall off of his chair.  “I’m just saying, Justin.  You two bicker like an old married couple.”

He scowls.  “She’s a control freak.”

One of the dogs is by my feet now, crying because he wants some of my sandwich.  I tear off a little piece and give it to him, and Justin gasps.  

“Don’t do that!”

I look at him oddly.  “Are you on drugs?”

“Mel doesnt want them having any table scraps.”  He looks over his shoulder cautiously, probably making sure that she didn’t see me give the dog anything.  “She says that they need to be trained not to depend on table scraps.  She’ll get pissed because she’s been weening them off of anything to do with the table and dinner time.  She puts them outside, I’m surprised she hasn’t done it today.”  He stares at me for a moment.  “But I guess today is kind of weird anyway.”

I crack a half smile and then the dog starts to whine for more food.

“See?,” Justin whines.  “Now you’ve gone and fucked it all up.”

I roll my eyes.  “Go lay down.” I say harshly to the puppy and point to the corner.  It stares at me for a minute, but when I repeat myself a little bit louder it does as it’s told.  “See? Not so hard, Justin.  Remember Ben? That dog was a pain in the ass, but he always listened to me.”

He crosses his arms stubbornly.  “Whatever, when you leave he’ll be back at it again. The girl, Brennan isn’t so bad.  She stays away from the table.  Actually, she hangs around Melanie a lot.  But Buckley is a pain in the ass.”

“Hey, kind of like you,” I snicker.

He glares at me.  “Are you done criticizing me now? Did you get it out of your system?”

“Oh hardly,” I smile.  “You owe me about ten years worth of criticism.  I’m just getting started.”

“Jerk.”

“You like her don’t you?,” I challenge him.  “I can tell.”

He doesn’t look me directly in the eye as he laughs and tells me I’m crazy, so now I know it’s the truth.  He does like her, like a kid in school would have a crush on a girl.  It’s funny but kind of sad at the same time.  Justin has never been one to crush...just one to seek out the girl he wants and take her for himself like some kind of animal.  It’s weird to see him like this, so obedient, so scared that he’ll do something or say something wrong to piss her off.  I could be worried, but the more I  hang around Melanie the more harmless she seems.  I’m actually glad that she’s the one that’s taking care of him now, unlike the other day when all I wanted to do was think that she was a bitch who had no right being here.   Sometimes I can be such a pig headed asshole, and I guess just like Justin...I need to work on myself a little more too.

“We’re friends,” he nods.  “It’s good having somebody around who has their shit together, you know?  It keeps me from going more crazy than I already am.  It doesn’t mean I like her or anything.”

“Hey I’m just telling you what it looks like to me,” I defend.  “Has your mother been around when you two act like this?”

“Act like what?,” he snaps.  “She’s been around, yeah, but she hasn’t said anything like this to me.  I know you’re just doing what you do best, Trace.  Being an asshole to piss me off.”

I almost get back at him by asking Justin if they’ve fucked yet, but I have to bite my lip.  Melanie has walked back into our midst now, clearing our empty plates.  I figure our conversation will move onto other things, like sunshine and daisies.  But Justin’s pride has seemed to take over, and I know I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard.

“What the fuck do you care what I do anyway?,” he grunts at me.  

Melanie turns around from her spot at the sink and stares at us.

“I was just kidding around, christ,” I get up from the table and shake my head at him.  “You get so damn edgy.”

“Everything okay?,” I hear Melanie say.  “Justin?”

“He’s just being himself,” he says, glaring at me.  “And he was leaving anyway.”

I frown a little bit. I guess he’s kicking me out, but should I really have expected anything else from him? I’ve struck one of his precious nerves, and god forbid anybody should tell him he’s wrong or make him admit his feelings to himself.  Maybe coming here was a mistake.  I probably should have just called or something...planned ahead.  But I just figured we could act like adults and come to terms with things.  I mean, yeah he looks better but his attitude is still the same.  I’m getting disgusted again.  I really need to leave.  “Yeah, I was.”  I shake my head a little bit.  “See you around, Justin.”

“Wait.”

It’s Melanie again and I sigh.  Not only is she Susie Homemaker, but she’s also Justin’s saving grace when it comes to people getting pissed off at him.  If only she knew how he acted a few months back.  If only she knew about Kerri...

But I refuse to think about Kerri right now.  

I turn back and sigh.  “It’s fine,” I say.  “I have things to do anyway.”

“Yeah,” Justin scoffs. “Like sit in his house.”

“Look,” she says, ignoring the both of us.  “I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but Trace, maybe you should give Justin a break.  You know, you didn’t give him any time to get ready for your visit and from what I understand you two haven’t spoken in awhile.”

“She’s right.” Justin smiles at me, like he’s just won some fucking contest.  It makes me want to punch him.
“And Justin....”

He frowns.

“You should give Trace a break.  At least he’s here, trying to salvage your friendship.” She pauses and smiles at me a little bit.  “Most people wouldn’t take the time to do that.”

I feel like we’re on some twisted version of Full House, I glance at the door ready to see Joey bust through with some stupid ass joke but it never happens.  I’m still uncomfortable though.  I’ve never really been one to be all sappy and shit, and it’s kind of sickening to hear Melanie say all this stuff.  It’s like she’s become the mediator, when I thought that was my job all along.  Weird.  It’s weird.  It’s weird and I should go.  “I...um...I should probably go anyway though.  I have a dinner meeting later on and I need to get my shit together.  You know how it is Justin.”

One glance at him and I know he thinks I’m full of shit, but I don’t care. I mean, it’s not totally a lie.  I told Tarin I’d meet her after work for dinner.  It’s not really a meeting but, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m uncomfortable and the fact that this is the first time I’ve been on good terms with Justin in four months is really making me agitated.  I need to reflect on all of this and figure out what I need to do to make all of this right again.  

“Oh yeah,” Justin nods.  “Sure.”

“I um...have to give this house a pretty good cleaning tomorrow,” Melanie speaks up quickly before I can escape.  “Why don’t you two do something?”

Justin doesn’t respond.  He’s still brooding in his seat, probably because Melanie just pointed out how stupid he was acting.  I hate when he gets like this.  It’s so childish and honestly he should have gotten past being so sensitive by now.  “We could go to the driving range,”I force myself to suggest, even though he’s the one that should be concerned about hanging out with me again.  I guess I know that deep down he probably does want to hang out as soon as possible, but he’s too scared and stubborn to make the first offer.  I shouldn’t have expected him to act differently.

“I guess,” he mumbles in reply.  “That...that’ll be okay.”

“All right.  I’ll call you tomorrow.  Thanks for the food and stuff, Melanie.”

“Sure,” she says quickly and steps closer to me.  “Let me show you out.”

In all honesty I could show myself out, but Melanie seems pretty uncomfortable at the moment, so I’ll let her do what she wants.  I guess it’s weird for her seeing Justin and I starting to reunite and stuff, seeing as how she knows nothing about our past history growing up.  I’d probably feel out of place too.  

“So you’ll call tomorrow right?,” she laughs nervously as she opens the door for me.  “Because you know...if you don’t call, Justin will...”

“He’ll talk about it all day I know,” I interrupt with a smile.  “Don’t worry about it.  I’ll call.  I’m not one of those people who goes back on their word.”  

“All right.”

She seems satisfied with what I’ve said, so I start to walk out to my car, trying to figure out what the hell happened in there and what my friendship with Justin is going to be like now that we’ve reconciled.

“Trace.”

I turn around.  She’s still standing there, looking as uncomfortable as ever.  Still, I smile at her, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it is.  “Yeah?”

“I shouldn’t have said all that stuff to you when I met you,” she says sadly.  “I just didn’t know what had gone on, and I didn’t want Justin to get hurt anymore than he had been.”

I shrug.  “I misjudged you too,” I confess.  “I didn’t think you belonged here but...the truth is, I haven’t seen him look this good in a long time.  So I guess I should be thanking you.”  

“Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow,” she tells me quickly.  “I”d stay and chat but I’m sure the dogs are wreaking havoc somewhere in the house.  Bye, Trace.”

I wave and she disappears into the house, leaving me alone in the driveway.  I shake my head and smile as I get into my car, thinking how crazy I am for even showing up here today, and how stupid I was for thinking Melanie was this big stupid bitch who needed to be outed.  In all honestly, she seems really sweet, and she’s really pretty too.  She’s like the type of girl that I’d date if I was still living back home, that sweet innocent girl next door.  For a minute or two I’m almost jealous of Justin for having yet...another thing in his life that I could never have.

But then I remember that I live in Los Angeles, I have a hot ass girlfriend that I’m meeting for dinner, and I have a lot more going for me personality wise than Justin does right now.  I should just be happy that I’m finally getting back on track with my life, after all this time of wallowing in misery and sadness.  It’s with these thoughts in my head that I manage to pull up to the radio station and wait for Tarin to get out of work.  It seems like an eternity, and I suddenly remember just why it is that I hate hanging out around here during the daytime.  There’s so many sketchy people hanging around, bums really.  It makes me kind of sick to think that Kerri is alone in this mess now, and I’m the cause of it.  Maybe I’m wrong...fuck, maybe I can ask Justin what he thinks tomorrow.  But no...no, how can I ask him for Kerri advice?  The whole point of this is to keep Kerri out of our conversations.
But how is that possible?

“Hi sexy.”

I look up into the smiling face of my girlfriend.  She leans in through the window and we kiss a little bit.  That’s one of my favorite things...it always has been, and it’s sexy as hell that she remembers.  “Hi baby.”

She gets into my car and we drive off.  She proceeds to tell me about her day, and the calm, sweet sound of her voice makes any aggressions I may have built up at Justin’s go away completely.  I melt into her, and I start to wonder how I could have possibly allowed such an awesome person slip through my fingers.  I mean yeah, the distance thing had something to do with it but if I tried hard enough I probably could have made it work.  I can’t help but wonder, what if things had been different? What if she’d had a boyfriend when I came to ask her for help getting Kerri a job? Would she had felt as sorry for me? Would Kerri and I have even gotten into that fight? I guess I shouldn’t think about it though.  This is what’s happening right now, this is reality, and I should be happy with that and not dwell on things so much.  

“Yeah and it’s just such a joke.  I mean, I’ve been there for almost eight years, and some intern thinks shes going to get the job over me? It’s ridiculous babe.”

She rambling on, and I’m sorry to say I was barely paying attention to what she was saying in the first place.  That makes me a horrible person right now but I mean, I did have kind of an emotional roller coaster of a day.  I put my hand on her inner thigh and rub it gently, so it makes it look like I completely understand.  Terrible.  “Don’t worry about it, Tar,” I glance at her and flash her a gentle smile.  “You’re the best one there anyway.”

She pecks me on the cheek.  “So where are we going?”

“Oh...” I feel myself blush a little, because I was dork and booked a reservation at this really nice place up in Bel Air.  I didn’t tell her, I sort of wanted it to be special.  But it’s weird because I normally don’t do things like this.  I”m more conservative, happy with a Denny’s dinner over some fancy overpriced steak anytime.  But Tarin...it’s like I feel like she’s too good for places like that.  Or maybe I just want her to feel that way. “Well I figured I’d surprise ya.”

“Surprises? From you?,” she scoffs.  

“I know,” I laugh.  “That’s a surprise in itself.”

“What’s the occasion mister?”

I glance at her again, and let my gaze linger on her for a few minutes, not being able to help but think about how amazingly hot she is.  I may not remember the sex we had when I was drunk the last night, but I damn well remember the sex we had a few nights before.  I’d been playing it cool because we had only just started dating and I didn’t want her to think I wanted to get in her pants so quick.  I mean, yeah of course I did...but I wasn’t going to be a jerk about it.  Anyway, we ended up going out that night with a few of her friends.  We partied, but I didn’t really get that trashed, just tipsy.  Afterward we went back to my place, and walked up the stairs to my apartment laughing like a couple of stupid kids. When we got inside I told her that she could just crash at my place because I didn’t want her driving home if she’d been drinking.  

So we watched a movie...

The next thing I knew we were rolling around in my bed, having this crazy wild sex romp.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had it that good, that many times, or for that amount of time.  It was probably back before the kidnapping, sometime when Elisha had been able to make it out to one of Justin's shows.  And that was a long, long time ago.  Six months at least. I never realized how horny I was, I guess my mind had been too preoccupied with other things.  But when we came together that first time...long and hard, screaming each others names, I’d realized how much I’d missed having sex, how fun it was, and how important it was to care about the other person I was having it with.  “No occasion really.” I give her thigh a firm squeeze.  “Just thought it would be nice to take my girl out.”

“Hmm, your girl,” she grins.  “Never thought I’d hear you say that to me again, Trace.”

She takes my hand and I lace my fingers through hers before lifting her hand to my lips, giving it a soft kiss.  “I um...I went to Justin’s,” I say after a few moments.  

She smiles at me and I know she’s proud.  We had a long talk about this earlier in the week, when I’d been convinced it wasn’t such a good idea after all.  She told me that she knew how close I was with Justin, and even if she didn’t know him as well as I did, it was important that I tried to rekindle our friendship.  I think I took her advice to heart, because initially if it wasn’t for Justin, I wouldn’t have even met Tarin in the first place. He’d hooked up with her first, and I’d ran into her in the continental breakfast line the next morning.  Of course it had been awkward, and Justin did get kind of pissed the next week when she’d called me instead of him, but in the end he’d found somebody else to fuck anyway.  Tarin was just too good for that sort of thing.  She didn’t need to hang onto the hopes of Justin’s phone calls.  She hooked up with him, she met me and then she forgot about him.  It was that simple.

I think it was the only time I’d felt like I’d gotten one up on Justin.

“So...dish boy! What happened?”

“We talked,” I nod.  “I think...it was good.  We’re speaking, so I guess that’s as much as I could have hoped for.  We’re supposed to go to the driving range tomorrow, so I’ll have to see what happens I guess.”

“See? I told you everything would be fine.” She nudges me playfully.  “You worry too much.”

“Yeah.” I grip the steering wheel harder and bite my lip.  Bringing up the fact that I worry too much makes me think of Kerri...about the terrible things I said to her yesterday.  I realize that I don’t even know if she made it into work today, and I’m dying to ask Tarin but I just don’t know how she’ll react.  When the whole thing happened, and Kerri left the venue, Tarin told me I should just forget her and move on.  But how can I just forget her?  No matter what I do, she’ll always outshine the majority of my other friends in a way.  We’ve done things together and confided in each other so much in our lifetime, that I know nobody can take her place.  “I hate to ask, babe.  I just....I mean, did Kerri make it into work today?”

She rolls her eyes a little.  “I guess I knew why you’d ask.”

“I just don’t want anything bad to happen to her.”  I give her a pleading look.  “You understand, right?”

She sighs.  “Yeah she made it.  Somebody dropped her off, but I didn’t get to talk to her.  I mean, I wasn’t planning on it anyway but she was cooped up in David’s office when I left to do a few errands at the venue, and when I got back she was still in there.”  She bites her lip.  “I wasn’t going to say anything but...since you asked I guess I can just tell you that I don’t like it, Trace.”

David Foster is one of those guys you meet at a bar or a pool party and feel like punching in the face or  pushing in the pool, but don’t because his sister is hot and you’re afraid you won’t be able to get on her good side if you follow through with what you want to do.  He’s arrogant, selfish, and really deceptive.  But he’s always supported NSYNC, and Justin’s career.  That’s the one thing that’s kept my respect for him just over the borderline.  I mean, I know it’s just because having Justin come into the studio has done wonders for his career and shit that he’s been nice to me, but I’ve never been able to be a dick to him.  It’s just not in me.  

But right now I’m just not sure what to think.  Tarin seems a little concerned, even though she’s lost most of her respect for Kerri at this point.  Tarin isn’t one to worry unless something is serious, and something is telling me she knows more than what she’s letting on.  “Well he’s her boss. He had to have been pissed about yesterday, right?”

“Not pissed enough to keep her in his office all day,” Tarin chuckles.  “David has intentions when he pulls shit like this.”

“Intentions?”

She’s quiet for awhile after that and it makes me even more confused.  It’s seems like I’ve reached a really touchy subject with her and it’s weird because I thought I knew everything about this girl...that she didn’t have a reason to keep anything from me.  It’s a little annoying that she’s decided to tell me some kind of secret now...after we’ve slept together.  But hell, maybe I’m just overreacting.  Maybe I should just give her a chance to tell me what’s on her mind and then make assumptions.  Yeah.  It’s something I need to work on too, not jumping to conclusions.  I tend to do it with the wrong people, and it’s probably part of the reason why my friendships tend to get fucked up from time to time.

“I haven’t really told anybody about it,” she whispers, and takes her hand out of mine.  “It’s weird and I just...I try to forget about what I did.”

I drive off the exit, and soon we are pulling up to our destination.  I look over at her, and she looks so upset, I almost wish we’d gone back to my place first or something.  “Tarin, are..are you okay?”

“Oh yeah.” She shakes her head and sighs before looking at me again.  “I’ll be okay.  We can talk about this later if you want.  I don’t want to spoil dinner.”

I give her a weird look.  “Tarin, you’re not spoiling anything,” I say seriously.  “If you need to talk we’ll talk.  I can turn around, go back home...whatever you want to do.”

There’s been so much shit going on this week I’m surprised I’ve acted the sanest out of the four of us today.  But I guess that’s just me.  I’ve always worked well under pressure, and when Justin said he wanted to play some golf with me I wanted to make the day nice for him.  I know I shouldn’t have gone to as much trouble as I did.  I basically owe him nothing.  If anything, he should have been bending over backwards for me all day today.  But I guess I didn’t care about all of that.  I was just happy to be here with him, because he was acting sane around me and we were getting along.  It’s reminded me about the past, how things used to be with me and him.  I’d forgotten how much I’d enjoyed spending time doing regular shit with Justin.  I’d always found it humbling when we’d both had the time to kick back and just do whatever.  It brought me back down to reality after attending award shows and glamorous parties in LA, New York, and Europe.  Now more than ever, I can look at him and appreciate the fact that he knows me better than anybody.  I guess I got so caught up in this thing that I lost sight of that, and it made me lose a part of myself.  Things are going to work out, I know they will.  Sure,  it’ll take a long time but at least I’ve come to accept things as they are.

At least I have my best friend back again.

It’s also the first time this week that Tarin has been genuinely happy too, and I’m really glad I was able to do something to get her mind off of things.  One of the reasons I was always so into Tarin, was because she never really let anything get to her.  When we first met I have to admit, she annoyed me a little bit.  She’d hang around Justin, sit on his lap and shit like they were an exclusive couple, when even she knew they were just fooling around and it wouldn’t last.  I remember sitting backstage at an event with her once, and asking her if she really thought throwing herself at Justin was worth the trouble since he’d probably forget her in a couple of weeks.

“You gotta have some fun, Trace.  Even if things don’t work out in the end.” Her eyes had lit up a little as she’d smiled at me.  “Are you always so damn level headed?  You are in the music business, you know. You’re not supposed to have that much of a conscience.”

Then we’d both laughed, and I got to know her a little bit better.  We’d got to talking that night, finding out more about each other than we even thought possible.  In the end I realized she wasn’t such a little hussy bitch after all, and I think she found out that I was smarter than she thought I was.  I think out of all the girls I’ve dated,  Tarin was the one who taught me the most about letting loose,and not worrying about how stupid Justin could be at times.  I missed her like hell when we broke up, and I guess it’s why I never really let the feelings I had for her go.  It probably explains why we’ve rushed back into this crazy ass relationship that we have, and why we can’t keep our hands off of each other.  But..like I said, things haven’t been going so well for her this week.

For the first time ever, Tarin Somerville has revealed that she has a breaking point.  

She’s actually let someone get to her.

And that someone, naturally, is David Foster.

This weekend was supposed to be a big turning point in Tarin’s career.  I knew she’d busted her ass for six months preparing for the Movie’s Rock event.  It was basically supposed to be the icing on the cake, prove to the radio execs that she was beyond her job.  That she should be doing something really mainstream to help make the radio station even more popular than it already was.  I was happy for her, figuring that the event was going to go great and secure her the job on the morning show with JoJo, something she’d been vying after for years.  But when she’d called me that night, basically in tears, I knew something had gone very wrong.

She wouldn’t get into it over the phone, so naturally I raced down to the theater and met her on the corner.  She’d been sitting on the sidewalk, crying.  It freaked me out because I’d never seen her cry that much before.  I was ready to go find somebody and kick their ass because I thought she’d been hurt.  But then I found out what really happened, and I knew the solution to the problem wasn’t that simple.  

“David is demoting me down to a regular employee.  He says Kerri is cut out better for my job,” she’d finally admitted, once I’d gotten her to get in my car.  “He says my mind isn’t focused on the job anymore, so he doesn’t think the office is being run the same, and that the event didn’t go as well as it should have.”

I’d sighed.  I knew part of that had to do with me.  I was sure that David had found out that Tarin and I were dating, but I didn’t think it had effected her job.  In fact, I was sure it hadn’t.  But Tarin had told me that she and David had been fooling around for years, until I came back into the picture.  I’d gripped the steering wheel tightly, enraged that he would pull something as ridiculous as that.  As terrible as it was too, a small part of me was convinced that Kerri had gone along with the idea as well.  I mean, she hated Tarin, so why wouldn’t she want to see her get demoted?  It was a bad way to think, and I knew that.  But at the same time I knew Kerri had changed for the worse, and I couldn’t really trust her anymore.  “What the hell? You stopped fucking him because you found somebody that actually cares about you, so he gets pissed off and pulls this?  That’s bullshit,” I’d grunted.  “I can make a few calls.  I know people, Tar.  He won’t have a job by Monday.”

“His father is an executive at Clear Channel,” she’d said softly.  “If you make a call, his father will make a call, and then things will just get worse.  It’s fine, Trace.  I’ll just handle the situation.”

I considered what she’d told me and figured that she was probably right.  As powerful as my connections could be at times, they were no match for a Clear Channel executive.  People did strange things to make them happy, so I was positive that nobody would be firing one of their kids simply because my girl had gotten screwed over.  “The only thing that’s going to make the situation better is if you quit, or dump me and fuck him,” I’d said gruffly.  “And you know that.”

She’d sobbed a little bit.  “I never meant to put you in the middle of this, Trace.  I just...thought we could be happy and that David would look the other way.  Maybe we’re just better off not dating.”  

She looked away from me after that, and I didn’t really know what to think or say.  Was she dumping me over a fucking job?  Did she really need to be off David’s shit list that badly?  I’d scowled, becoming even angrier as each second passed.  Up until that moment I really thought I knew Tarin, inside and out.  The talks we’d had after sex had been so amazing and fulfilling that I didn’t think anything would have been able to come between us.   My heart ached.  I felt sicker to my stomach than I had when Elisha had left me.  “You really mean that, don’t you?”

“I think I’m in love with you,” she’d whispered.  “I can’t stand the thought of hurting you.  I just...don’t know what to do, Trace.  The station has been my life for so long.  I didn’t lose focus there or anything, but it’s pissing David off, you know? He can’t do whatever he wants to me anymore and he hates that.  So Kerri’s vulnerable.  She'll do whatever he wants her to do.  I didn’t count on you coming back Trace.  I didn’t think about what David might do or what might happen to my career once I stopped things with him.”

“Well I’m here.”  I’d grabbed one of her hands then, squeezing it gently.  “And I feel like I’m....falling in love here too, Tarin.  But what am I supposed to do? Let us break up so David can fuck you on a whim?  I don’t want that, and I know you don’t either.”

“Am I selfish?,” she’d cried.  “I just...I can’t lose this job.  I”m so close, Trace.  I’m so close to my dream I can taste it, and all David can do is set his sights on fucking Kerri and demoting me! How can he just do this to me now? How!”

She’d burst into tears after that, and all I could think to do was hold her and tell her that it would be okay, that I would help her work the situation out, although I really had no idea how I was supposed to.  I knew Tarin wanted to keep working at KISS, because she’d been there for such a long time and had a good relationship with the people that worked there, so finding another place for her to work was pretty much out of the question.  I considered talking to David about it for a moment, but I knew it wouldn’t help.  He wasn’t the type that let anyone intimidate or push him around.  He had too much power.  Then there was always Kerri.  I could go and try to talk some sense into her, but I just didn’t know how that would pan out.  We hadn’t exactly been the best of friends lately, and I was probably the last person she wanted to see.  But this was Tarin.  She was crying, and I... I was falling in love with her, so badly that it was physically hurting me to see her cry.  “I’ll set Kerri straight,” I whispered, as I kissed the top of her head.  “I’ll make her tell David that she doesn’t want the job or...I’ll convince her to quit.  Then he’ll lay off of you, because you’re the only one there who will know what she’s doing.”

“You’re crazy.” Tarin had rubbed her eyes and sniffled a little bit.  “She’s not going to do that just because you tell her to, Trace.”

“Kerri does what I tell her to do,” I said, without hesitation.  “She doesn’t have anyone else to give her advice right now.”

Then Tarin had pulled away from me, staring me down with a confused gaze in her eyes.  “Do you hear yourself right now?”

For a moment I was slightly confused, but then I remembered myself. I hadn’t even thought about what I was saying or how it would sound.  And then I realized that my comment had sounded almost like something Justin would have said about Kerri. “I just...didn’t think...”

“I know I don’t understand your friendship with her Trace,” she’d said, with a wave of her hand.  “But it just sounds like you’ve manipulated her since day one.  Like, she’ll bow down to you whenever you ask her to or something.  That’s wrong.”

I leaned back in my seat, mostly knowing that Tarin was right but the rest of me feeling like she didn’t appreciate that I was putting myself on the line for the sake of our relationship.  “That’s not it.  I just...you know, Kerri has done a lot of fucked up shit to me too.  I care about you, and I don’t want to see you upset.  Kerri, she doesn’t need this job okay? There’s a lot more out there for her, she’s just too timid to look.”

She’d let out a sad laugh.  “You were the one who told me how desperate she was, Trace.  That was the only reason I let her have the job in the first place.  I just don’t get you.  I mean, we both know that I don’t like Kerri but I can’t just let you...destroy her life, for the sake of our relationship.”

“I’m not...”

“Trace, think about what you’re fucking saying,” she’d cut me off angrily.  “It’s a bad idea.”

“Great.”  I’d started up the car, angry at Tarin for making me feel stupid.  We didn’t talk the whole way back to my place.  She’d gotten herself together by then, and by the time I’d parked the car she was already set to drive herself home for the night.  She’d thrown her seatbelt off, and practically ran out of my car and over to her own.  Of course I followed her, and when I’d grabbed her hand she’d snatched it away angrily.  “What the hell is your problem?,” I’d practically yelled. “I’m trying to help, Tar.  I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do here.”

She’d turned to me then, crossed her arms and flashed me a cold little smirk.  “You’d backstab a friend you’ve known practically your entire life, for the sake of a relationship that’s just in it’s beginning stages?”

I didn’t get that.  Tarin and I really knew each other inside and out, and she was making it sound like we’d just met and were casually dating.  I can’t pretend that it didn’t hurt to hear her say that, because it did.  “It’s not backstabbing.  You don’t know how Kerri works.  And where the hell are you pulling this beginning stage bullshit out of?”

“You can’t exactly count the six years or so that we didn’t see each other as a relationship, can you?  Because if that was the case, you should have kept in touch a hell of a lot more.  And it doesn’t matter how Kerri works, you’re still a jerk for trying to manipulate her.”  She’d opened her car door, and sighed heavily.  “Look.  We’re both stressed out right now.  I’m upset and I’m making you upset, so why don’t we just talk tomorrow?”

“Leaving isn’t going to make me forget about this,” I’d said after my head had cleared a little bit.  “I’m worried about you, and I feel like none of this would have happened if I’d stayed away and hadn’t cared about Kerri getting that internship.  You would have been fine, and your job would have been secure.”

“Oh, Trace.”  She’d given in and walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me and giving me a little kiss on the mouth.  “You know I’m glad you came back around.  I just don’t want you making a drastic decision, because I know Kerri means something to you, and I know you don’t really want to make her life any worse than it already is.  I didn’t mean to snap at you.”  She’d leaned into me and looked longingly up into my eyes.  “But you know how I deal with pressure.”

The tension had passed, for the moment at least, and I was thankful.  I pulled her a little closer, held her a little tighter and thanked her for getting it...getting me.  I told her that I wouldn’t hurt Kerri, and that my idea was probably really selfish and immature, but I still wanted to help her figure shit out.  She seemed happy with my answer and ended up spending the night at my house...among other things.  We spent the weekend together, just trying to clear our heads.  She went to work all week, not really mentioning much about what was going on but I could still tell that she was stressed. She was supposed to go to work today too, but I guess I sort of ‘manipulated’ her into sneaking off to the golf course instead.  I guess I’m a bad influence.  But fuck, she’s beautiful, and smart...quick to defend herself and quick to laugh at stupid shit.  She’s organized too, and a great person to go to for advice.  Essentially, she’s everything I look for in a girlfriend.  I thought Elisha was it, but she just couldn’t be pressured in a tough spot.  Tarin’s so different though.  She can handle it.  I think she can handle just about anything life throws at her.  And I meant what I said too.  I really do think I could be in love with her.

I just have to learn to handle myself a little better.

It’s been a little over a week since my blowout with Kerri, and I still haven’t bothered to contact her or hell, even ask Elisha how she’s been.  I guess thats good though, because I told Kerri that I wouldn’t be.  Somehow though, I guess I knew I wouldn’t stick with that whole plan for long.  I care about her too much, and I know she needs somebody to talk to.  I was just so angry that day though, so sick of her only thinking about herself, her pain, how miserable she was.  I was trying to get through to her I guess, trying to show her that she wasn’t the only one with problems and that she had to grow up and stop feeling sorry for herself all the time.  I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I don’t know anymore.  Does she cry everyday, or is she coping?  Has she shut herself down even more now, or did I make her stronger?  I just don’t know, and given Tarin’s situation and the things I’ve been hearing I feel compelled to pay her a visit.  I know its risky, especially since I told Tarin I wasn’t going to try and manipulate Kerri into quitting her job or anything.  But I wouldn’t be doing that. I just want to talk to her and make sure her head is on straight, that’s all.  I want to work things out with her too.  I mean, she is one of my best friends.  She’s been there for my low points and dealt with them, so I should do the same...as long as she’s not degrading me that is.  But if I can forgive Justin I should be able to forgive Kerri just as easily.

It would be wrong for me not to.

For the moment though, I’ll try to focus on the day itself.  It’s more relaxing and I guess I’ve been pretty curious all day long.  When I first met Justin this morning, he seemed like his usual self.  Well...as normal as that can be for now anyway.  But when  Melanie got out of the car I saw his mood completely change.  He seemed edgy, sort of acted like a jerk and all I could think was that they’d had a fight.  But if they’d had a fight, wouldn’t that mean there was something going on?  It has me slightly worried I guess because I know how Justin can treat a girl.  The situation today has almost reminded me of how Justin and Kerri used to act before everything went down, but there’s a big difference.  

Melanie, instead of going off to pout in the corner, or saying something stupid, or crying to get the attention placed on herself, has done nothing of the sort.  She’s pretty much gone with today...Justin’s mood and the fact that she knows jack shit about golf.  Sure, in the beginning she wanted to sit out, but then I tried to set Justin straight and she seemed to calm down a little bit after that.  She played the nine holes with us, and she’s seemed to be getting along with Tarin pretty well.  She and I have seemed to bond a little bit more too, and I’m glad.  She seems to be a really cool girl, once you get her walls to crumble a little bit.  Our eyes have met a few times today, when Justin has been acting like a stubborn jackass, and I’ve pretty much been able to read her mind.  Unfortunately though, I think I know what’s going on and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing....

They’ve fallen for each other.  I know neither of them will admit that to me yet, unless I beat Justin’s ass and force him to tell me which I know I won’t do.  I can just tell though.  Justin’s been so fucked up he doesn’t know how to handle his feelings for her, so instead he just acts like a self righteous prick.  And Mel...she’s just fallen too deep to publicly curse him out.  It’s kind of cute.  I feel like they’ve been together for years when it’s only been a month or two that they’ve known each other.  Still though, I have to talk to Justin about all of this, before he hurts her.  I know that Melanie and I aren’t that close or anything, but I feel really bad about how much I assumed about her and I think this might be a way I can make it up to her.

The only problem is, Justin isn’t exactly the easiest person to pry information out of.  Especially at this point in his life.  I feel like I’m going to have to give a little to get a little...like go into detail with him about Kerri and what’s been going on.  It’s something that I really dont’ want to do, because it’s going to make him think about too much shit that he’s trying to put behind him, on top of whatever guilt I know he still has about getting her mixed up in the kidnapping to begin with.  I just hate to see him have come so far, only to come crashing down again.  That’s why I haven’t wanted to talk to him about it, but I don’t know if I’m going to have a choice today.

The food here isn’t half bad.  I like to eat when we come here because nobody ever seems to bother us, and thats a positive thing.  We can just kick back, the four of us, and have a semi normal conversation.  Of course it’s a little awkward, but that’s to be expected.  I’m pretty comfortable displaying my affection to Tarin in public, but I can feel Justin’s eyes on me half the time.  He’s probably a little jealous, and a little pissed that I can’t control myself out here today.  But fuck, I just don’t care.  Tarin’s been miserable, and so I want her to have a good time.  Justin needs to toughen up and stop letting things get to him so much, that’s all.  I drape an arm over Tarin’s shoulder as I chew my sandwich, and watch Justin and Mel for a few minutes.  He’s pushing his food around his plate with the fork, and she’s concentrating on a puzzle in the back of the magazine she brought with her.  They both seem slightly tense, and actually the only conversation that’s been brought to the table thus far has been started by either Tarin or myself.  It’s pretty lame, and I clear my throat to try and start more small talk.  But Melanie is too quick for me.  

“Shit.” She presses her pen to her lip, seemingly oblivious to the rest of us.  “Who was the father of Julie’s baby...”  Her brow furrows and she bites her bottom lip, deep in thought.  “No, Raul...ran...rain...”  She shakes her head.  “Who names a man ‘Rain’?”

Justin suddenly looks up from his plate of half eaten food, and slowly looks over at her.  “Robert.”

“Wait, I thought Robert was the one who failed the paternity test?,” Melanie says.

“Nah,” Justin says softly, looking back down at his food.  “He just said he did.”

“Oh!”  She hits the arm of her chair excitedly and flashes all of us a smile.  “That’s right, Justin.  He didn’t want to pay child support, because he was too busy doing drugs with Corey.”

“I never liked Corey,” Justin sighs.

Melanie nods in agreement.  “Yeah, I’m glad they killed him off.”

I slowly turn my head, wondering what Tarin’s outlook on all of this is.  I’m amused by the situation actually.  It’s lame that Justin is so good at soap opera trivia, but at the same time I’m happy for him.  He shares a lot of stuff with this girl . More than  I’ve  seen him share with any girl in quite some time.  Tarin of course looks perplexed, and I can’t help but chuckle a little.

“What um,” Tarin says slowly.  “What are you talking about?”

Justin shifts uncomfortably in his chair.  “Just some movie,” he says quickly.

Melanie swats his arm with the magazine.  “He means, Days of Our Lives,” she giggles.

Tarin glances at me quickly before bursting into laughter.  “You...you watch Days of Our Lives, Justin?”

Immediately a look of disgust spreads across his face, and he shifts away from Melanie a little bit.  The whole this is so amusing, I can’t put a stop to it right now.  Plus, it’s the first time Justin and Melanie have been sociable all day.  

“She has the shit on all the time,” he defends.  “It’s not my fault.”

“Maybe you should give him some ESPN time, Melanie,” Tarin chuckles, leaning her head on my shoulder.  

“Oh please.” Melanie rolls her eyes and straightens herself a little.  “He watches Days, All My Children, General Hospital, and Young and the Restless.  I tried to get him into One Life To Live, but he misses too many details because he goes and gets a snack when it comes on.”

I can’t help but smirk a little bit, especially because Justin is shooting me a death look right now.  He knows what I know.  It’s the secret of the moment that could embarrass the hell out of him.  But shit, he’s acting like a prick and I sort of want to help Melanie out a little bit right now.  “Don’t let him fool you,” I say, ignoring Justin’s dirty looks.  “He used to watch that shit all the time when he was home sick.”

The table falls silent for a moment, while Tarin smiles up at me in amusement and Melanie proceeds to cover her mouth with her hand to hide her laughter.  Naturally, she fails, and a moment later she’s laughing heartily...something I had yet to see from her.  It makes me feel good inside to hear her laugh like that.  It lets me know that she’s a person too, that she’s fun.  It just takes a little bit of work to bring all of that out of her.  The girl has walls, thats obvious, and it’s not my place to know what made her this way or anything.  Maybe if we get closer she can talk about it with me, but for now I’ll just savor the moment a little bit, and be thankful that I have a partner in crime.

“So,” Melanie smiles and nudges Justin a little bit.  “That’s how you know who Luke and Laura are.”

Justin doesn’t seem amused at all, but before I can tell him to chill out the waiter returns and Tarin starts to make small talk with him, egging me on to join in the conversation.  I pretend to listen, all the while glancing at Justin and Melanie through the corner of my eye.  I don’t like what I see.  His hand is gripping her upper arm slightly, and he’s talking to her in a low voice.  She’s frowning.  I fucking hate this.  I thought he was past this, and it’s apparent that he’s not.  It’s apparent that the smallest shit still sets him off.

And it’s really no wonder that Kerri is as fucked up as she is.
“Oh shut up and get off of me,” Melanie says harshly, pushing his hand off of her.  “You know I could kick your ass, this morning confirmed that.”

My mouth hangs open a little, and I know that I’ve completely lost touch with Tarin and the waiter’s conversation.  I’m literally floored at the moment.  I’ve never...ever...heard a woman talk that way to him before.  Even Justin seems shocked.  His eyes are wide, and he’s staring at her now, seemingly at a loss for words.  I dont know what she meant by ‘this morning’, but I do know that something must have happened, and I really need to talk to Justin about it before anything else happens.  

“What the fuck are you looking at Trace?”  Justin sneers and crosses his arms in front of him, like the stubborn asshole that he is.  

I shake my head, disappointed.  Right now he sounds like the same asshole I turned my back on a few months ago.  The fact that he’s been doing better is irrelevant at this moment in time.  I wish he’d just learn to control his moods, and grow the fuck up.  Why does he have to be taught how to treat the people that care about him? It’s just not fucking right, and so I just turn back to what I was doing...talking to my girl and eating my lunch.  Justin seems to take the fact that I’m ignoring him now as a green light to continue pushing his lunch around his plate too, and I guess it’s fine for now.

Tarin and I talk about what movie we should rent tonight quietly for awhile, until the plates have been cleared and Justin starts complaining that he wants to finish the game before it gets dark out.  I look at Melanie, and the expression on her face is telling me she’s had enough golf for one day.  “Hey, baby.”  I whisper in Tarin’s ear, inching one of my hands under her tee shirt, caressing the skin underneath gently.  

“Hmm?”

I smile at her, nearly getting lost in those amazing hazel eyes of hers before I remember myself.  “You still want to play?”

She shrugs.  “I don’t know...whatever I guess.  Why babe, you don’t feel like playing?”

“No, no.  I do.  I just...need to have a talk with Justin, that’s all.  I thought that maybe you and Mel could hang out inside by the bar for a little while.  I think she’d like that.”

She glances at Justin, and seemingly puts the pieces together before I feel the need to explain the situation further to her.  “Oh I get it,” she chuckles.  “The bad boy needs a spanking.”

“Hey. The only one I’m spanking is you,” I say playfully.

“It’s okay,” she reassures me with a light kiss.  “I’ll do my best to entertain the innocent member of the party.”

“I think you two could be friends,” I suggest, my tone hopeful.  I know Tarin doesn’t really have that many friends, and only two or three of of them are girls.  She’s always been  like one of the guys ever since I’ve known her, and I think it’s cool but at the same time I think it would be good for her to have a girlfriend to hang out with once in awhile. I mean she’s she introduced me to a couple of her girlfriends once or twice, but they’re not really anybody I’m comfortable hanging out with on a regular basis.  

“I doubt we have much in common, Trace.  She’s kind of timid for me, don’t you think?”

I smile a little.  “Yeah but you could teach her to be rambunctious.  And maybe she can teach you to mind your manners a little bit more.”

“Oh you really want to sleep alone tonight, don’t you?,” she counters, with a sly grin.  “Because I can easily arrange that, Mr. Ayala.”

“You could but...”  I grin as I slide another hand underneath her butt.  “Then who’d keep it warm?”

“I hate you.”

“But you don’t.”  I kiss her quickly.  “It’ll only be an hour or so.  If you really don’t want to, you can take my car, and I’ll get a ride with J.”

“It’s fine, silly.”  She gets up from the chair then, and smiles at Melanie from across the table.  “Hey girl, let’s go check out the a/c inside the clubhouse for a little bit.”

“Oh come on,” Justin whines.  “What about the game?”

Melanie looks nervous as I approach Justin, but I just smile a little and tell her it’s okay and to go ahead.  She does without another word, and I take a seat beside Justin.  He’s more pissed off now than before, but I don’t give a fuck right now.  “We gotta talk, man.”

“Why? Because Melanie is being a bitch?,” he says, stubbornly.  “I could have told you that.”

“You’re losing it again,” I tell him with a sigh.  “I really hate to tell you that but...it’s true.”

“I’m not losing it,” he mutters.  “You don’t even know what’s going on, Trace.”

I knew it.  “Then tell me.”

“Why?” He chuckles sadly.  “So you can just shoot me down or give me some list telling me how I should and shouldn’t look at her?”

“That’s bull, and you know it.”

“Whatever.  You...”

“Justin.” I hold my hand up to silence him, because I can see where this conversation is heading and I’m not about to get into some stupid ass fight with him, just because he’s confused about his feelings for Melanie.  “Despite what you think, I am on your side.  So why don’t you just get up and grab your shit, so we can get back out there.”  I don’t give him the chance to respond, I just walk away, and grab my golf clubs from the little rack at the edge of the patio.  I hear his golf bag clunking behind me a couple of minutes later, and I know he’s taken my advice.  I’m happy, but at the same time I don’t know what to expect once our conversation takes place.  I don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to talk about Kerri, but I know something is going to have to give and since I’m a pussy and loathe the idea of Justin and I fighting right now... I already know what’s going to happen.

“So what’s going on?,” I ask him, as he picks out his club.  I follow him over to the tee when he doesn’t answer me, and sigh impatiently.  “Ignoring me is lame, you know.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, so what do you want me to say?”

“Stop playing stupid,” I grunt.  “You’ve been an asshole to Melanie all day today, Justin.  What’s up with that? What happened this morning that’s got y’all so on edge?”

“I’m on edge, that’s all.  We had a little...misunderstanding, but it’s fine.”

He’s so full of shit, that it’s pathetic.  Who the hell does he think he is anyway? He should know damn well that he can’t get a lie past me, especially now.  “It would be really great if you’d stop with the bullshit and get to the real story, J,” I groan.  “Because you can’t lie to me.”

“I wasn’t an asshole to her today,” he barks, trying as hard as he can to concentrate on the tee and not me.  

“Fuck you.  You so were.  You look guilty as hell right now too.  Is that what you do to her?  Treat her like shit one minute and act like her best friend the...” I trail off as a brilliant theory pops into my mind, and my annoyed expression is quickly replaced with a mischievous one.  “Or,” I continue.  “is this just some new thing that’s happened now that your dick is itching for her?”

He drops his golf club and turns to me.  He’s trying to look angry, but he’s failing miserably.  The most he’s doing is giving me that immature pouty look he gets when something doesn't’ go his way.  I want to laugh.  It’s taking everything inside of me not to do it to him.

“Just because you’re fuckin your girl seven nights a week doesn’t mean I’m lusting after Melanie,” he informs me.  “Me and her are friends, that’s it.”

It’s crazy.  I can read him like a book.  His expression is basically giving away everything he’s feeling right now.  He’s falling for her, and something happened this morning that made both of them uncomfortable.  I”m wondering if they could have kissed.  It’s crazy to think Justin would cross that line right now, and I should be more worried than amused.  But times have changed.  I’m not Justin’s savior anymore, and if he wants to pursue somebody...that’s totally on him, despite the consequences of his choices.  “Shit.” I smirk.  “You kissed her didn’t you?”

His shoulders sag in defeat at my question.  “No,” he moans.

I’m getting somewhere now.  “Well, did you bone her?,” I laugh.

He glares at me.  “Fuck you.”

“Oh I get it.  You haven’t yet, but you want to, right?”

“You’re fuckin out of it.” He points a finger at me.  “I’m not about to sleep with her, Trace.    This is me we’re talking about here.  Not some sane, sexually secure guy.”  

He sighs heavily and runs a hand over his head.  I can tell that he’s getting really uncomfortable, and yeah maybe I shouldn’t be pushing him like this.  But I know Justin, and I know this situation all too well.  If I want to get answers, I know he has to feel pressured so he’ll crack.  Maybe its not all that healthy for him, but whatever.  I dont’ care right now.  “I just know how you are, man.  Come on.”

“God, it’s just her!” He raises he hands in the air.  “Her and her...her fucking.....”  He trails off and starts to pace back and forth.

“Her what?”

“It just got a little heavy this morning when we were working out,” he says quickly, not looking at me.  

“See?,” I smile.  “Now it’s coming out.”

“It came out of nowhere, Trace,” he sighs, and steps up to the tee, whacking the ball somewhere into the distance.

“What the fuck could have happened?” I shrug.  “She was sweaty...half dressed.” I pause and flash him a sly smile.  “It got your dick all in a bunch, man.  So what? You’re not the the first guy that’s happened to.  I mean...she is hot, Justin,” I narrow my eyes at him.  “I mean hell.” I lean in and look over my shoulder quickly, just to be safe.  “I’d do her.”

He shoves me away a little bit.  “Shut up,” he says darkly.  

I just laugh.  “I don’t know how it’s taken you this long to lose control of yourself anyway, J.  I should probably give you a pat on the back or something for holding out.”  I tee off after that, smile on my face, not bothering to look back and see the scowl that has surely shown up on his face by now.

“I can’t just get involved with her.  You know that.”

I turn to face him now, confident that he’s not going to flip out and say something stupid that he’ll regret later on.  “Look,” I sigh.  I know what this subject is about to lead into, but I also know I have to talk to him about it.  It’s pointless to avoid it anymore.  “You’ve learned your lesson, right?”

He cocks his head slightly.  “What do you mean?”

I look down at the golf club and twirl the head around in the grass a few times.  “Well I mean...after Kerri, I’d hope you would have learned how not to treat a girl.”

He gets distant for a few minutes and stares off into the horizon, squinting as the afternoon sunlight blocks his vision.  “I thought you didn’t want to talk about Kerri,” he says quietly.

“I was just using an example.”

“She’s not Kerri.” He doesn’t look at me.

“Exactly,” I nod.  “So what are you afraid of, Justin?”

“I just don’t want to hurt her.” He shakes his head and looks down at the ground.  “As strong as Mel is, and as much shit as she takes from me, there’s just that chance, you know?  I’ll either break her heart, or she’ll break mine...or...” He trails off and laughs a little bit, looking up at me again.  “It doesn’t matter.  It’s not going to happen anyway.  I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation.”

“Justin...”

“Can we just play for a little bit?,” he asks, with desperation in his voice.  “I’m getting stressed out.”

I don’t want to push him, so I nod and softly agree to leave the subject alone for the moment.  We play a few more holes, almost in silence.  Once in awhile he’ll comment on my shot or I’ll comment on his, but that’s the extent of any conversation.  I have to admit it’s almost relaxing, but I can’t get the issues of the day out of my head for long.  We stop after awhile, and he gets that distant look in his eyes again, like something has suddenly snuck up on him, and made him realize something important.  “Justin, are you going to putt?”

He bites his bottom lip, seemingly contemplating what to say to me next.  “Trace,” he sighs.  “How is she?”

I can’t say I didn’t know this was going to happen today, so I just sigh, and shove my hands in my pockets.  “Oh...” I trail off and suck in a long breath, wishing like hell that I had a cigarette right about now.  “You know, same old Kerri.”

He narrows his eyes at me.  “You can’t lie to me either, Trace.”

I want to get a lot of things sorted out, and oddly enough it seems like I have an open floor here.  I could probably ask him anything about his relationship with Kerri and get him to fold.  Stuff that even she wouldn't’ tell me, he probably wouldn’t think twice about, and part of me is just itching to ask him about it all.  At the same time though, I feel like I’d be invading Kerri’s privacy.  She doesn’t want me to know about a lot of that stuff, so would it make me a jerk if I went behind her back and had Justin tell me about it instead?  

“I know,” I finally say.  “It’s just hard for me to talk about her. That’s all.”

“I’ve learned to move past the emotional...stuff with Kerri.” He tells me, not looking me in the eye as he takes a few practice swings.  “I think we’re both ready to discuss it, you know?  I’m over hiding shit, and not being able to admit how crappy I treated her.  Because I know I did and said a lot of shitty things to her, Trace.”

I stare at him, just knowing how much he’s progressed.  He’s not really ‘fucked up Justin’ anymore.  Sure, he’s still messed up and insecure but...he can accept what he did.  He’s moving on and I just can’t fuckin understand what’s holding Kerri back.  Why is she still such a mess over her life, and Justin?   At least Justin gets up everyday and tries to make some good out of it.  He tries not to dwell on shit.  Part of me knows it has a lot to do with Melanie too but...I mean, Kerri had me and I always supported her.  But it just wasn’t enough, no matter how much I killed myself, it was just never enough for her.

I’ll never understand.

“What’s wrong, man?,” Justin questions me softly.  “You look like the world is ending.”

I choose my words carefully.  I don’t want to get angry and start telling him how much of a crazy bitch I’ve started to think that Kerri is.  He might start to blame himself, and that’s not my intention.  “She’s just stuck, you know?  It’s like, she’s still living in the week after the kidnapping happened.  She never moved on, and I’m worried about her.  But it’s come to the point where I need to live my life too, and I can’t do that when Kerri is hanging onto me like a leech twenty four hours a day.”

He cocks his head to the side a little bit, a small smirk appearing on his face.  “Now you know how I felt, when we were together.  It wasn’t just me, Trace.  She has a harder time handling things.  It’s better to just ignore her, you know?”

I sigh heavily.  It’s like he’s using my issue with Kerri as a way to excuse himself for what he did to her.  It’s really fucked up, so fucked up that I kind of feel like kicking him in the balls.  But then again, I know I shouldn’t have expected him to respond differently.  “I’m not...I’m not ignoring her,” I tell him, seriously.  “I just think that if she really wants to get on with her life, she’s going to have to do it on her own.  She’s never really done that, Justin.  And I know you know that.”  I stare at him for awhile after that, not expecting him to answer me right away.  “In a way it’s probably both our faults for dragging her around on tours and making her think she was living your life too.”

“Whatever, Trace.”  He clutches his club tightly in his hand, turning the knuckles white.  “ It was never my job to protect Kerri from herself.  Everything she said and thought and did before and after our situation was her choice.  I’m tired of always thinking about how it was my fault that she got hurt.  She could have walked away a thousand times, and she didn’t.”

He’s being really bitter right now, and it’s starting to make me suspicious.  There’s a lot he’s hiding, and I want to confront him.  But at the same time, maybe I don’t want to know what went on with them.  It could make me really angry, and destroy the friendship that Justin and I have regained. But at the same time, I know how badly scarred Kerri is, and I just don’t have a completely legit answer as to why.  I know she was kidnapped, but then....there’s just more to it than that.

“What happened to her?,” he asks me, suddenly.  “You said she’s not living with you so, where is she?”

I’m afraid of telling him the truth for a few reasons.  One, he might try to go up to the group home and talk to her, and I know that wouldn’t have a good turn out.  Two, he might bitch me out for sending her to any kind of group home.  Places like that remind him too much of Orange Valley, not that I can blame him...but the place Kerri is in is nothing like that.  She wasn’t a danger to herself, they don’t lock her down at night and strip search her in the mornings.  It makes me sad to think that Justin had to be subjected to all of that.  I’ve tried not to really think about it for all this time, but sometimes...like right now, it will get to me.  It will make me think bad things like...if it wasn’t for my mistake he wouldn’t have had to go there at all.  But I know I can’t blame myself.  Nothing that happened could have been prevented.  

Thank god I found a good shrink to talk to.

“Trace, come on,” Justin says sternly.  

“She’s just...” I say, rubbing the back of my neck nervously.  “I mean, things were just getting really bad between us, so Elisha recommended this group therapy home she knew about.  Kerri went up and took a tour and decided to try it out, that’s all.  She’s getting herself help, and it works out better for everybody this way.  I’m not stressed out, and she’s...you know...she’s...”

“She’s out of your way,” he says, sadly.

I didn’t expect him to react that way.  He’s acting like I threw her to the side, when he wasn’t even around to experience the shitty details of what happened.  I helped her, I helped her when he was off hiding in his fucking house, like a coward.  “You know, she could have died in that car accident,” I tell him, turning back to my golf clubs.  “Where the hell were you when that happened?”

He doesn’t answer, so I just grab my club of choice and look back over my shoulder quickly.  “Well?”

“I’m not saying I didn’t fuck up, Trace.”

“Then stop acting like I did anything worse than you’ve ever done to her.”  I approach the tee, trying the best I can to calm down before I lose it and flip out on him.  “You don’t know what went on, because you weren’t there.”

“You shut me out.”

“No.”  I shake my head harshly as I line my putter up with the ball.  “You shut us both out long before that.”  I concentrate and take my shot, smoothly and skillfully, not letting the current conversation affect me.  Then I turn back to him, and can’t help but feel a little bad.  He’s wiping at his eyes a little bit now, his face red, his lip quivering.  His club is lying a few feet behind him, probably because he threw it there in anger.  “Justin...”

“I was fucking scared,” he whimpers.  “I know I fucked her up and I know she was upset.  I didn’t...know what else to do.  I didn’t want to mess her up anymore, and I thought if I just stayed away it would be better.  I didn’t count on losing you, Trace.  And I didn’t think I’d turn back into a mess again.  I just wish I could tell you how sorry I am.  I’d do anything to take it back...take everything back.  But I can’t.”  

He sits down on the ground after that, still in tears, and wraps his arms around his legs pulling them close to his chest.  “I’m fucking weak shit,” he grunts.

I feel like telling him to toughen the fuck up, and stop crying so we can finish the game.  I really should, because it’s not my job to let Justin cry and bitch about how miserable he is to me anymore.  At the same time though, I know it’s not something he’s doing to get attention or make me feel sorry for him.  I know all of this is genuine, and I guess I have to learn when to let him lean on me for support all over again.  I give in and sit down beside him, watching him sob quietly to himself for awhile.  It’s weird, but I’m being reminded of when Justin and I were kids right now.  If one of us was upset, we’d never just leave him to suffer.  Actually, growing up, I think Justin was one of the only people that completely understood me and could talk me down when I was the most upset.  “Hey, remember that time that my dad was going to leave?  He’d lost his job and started drinking again, so my mom and him were just fighting all the time.”

He sniffles and it takes him a minute or two, but he finally mutters a yes.  I bite my bottom lip, thinking back to that time in my life where I was so confused, and just wanted everybody to leave me the hell alone.  I guess I forgot about it.  I shut it out so I wouldn’t have to remember.  But now it’s sort of hitting me dead on, and I’m forced to remember how I acted.  I wanted to shut everyone out and push them away, but Justin wouldn’t leave me alone.  At the time it annoyed me, but after awhile I realized he was just trying to be the best friend he could be.  I sigh a little.  I guess... I’ve made a lot of hasty decisions.  I forgot how much he’d been there for me through all of my shit.  What happened with Justin and well...everything, shouldn’t have been enough reason for me to walk away from our friendship.

“I threw all my comics and like, two shirts and boxers into my backpack and ran away to the park.” I chuckle a little and run a hand through my hair.  “Nobody knew where I went.”

“But I found you,” he says softly.

I nod a little.  “Yeah, and you sat there with me in the rain for like an hour telling me how much of an asshole I was for hiding from my issues,” I laugh.  “We both got the flu, but you know, it was worth it because you made me realize that I was worth having around and that people did need me.  So now I’m sitting here, doing the same thing with you, Justin.  You’re an asshole because you make stupid choices sometimes, but people do need you...you’re not some kind of freak or fuckin outcast.  I know what Shane did was terrible, but if anything it should make you realize that you can get past whatever life throws at you.  He did what he did but you’re still here, and you have your whole life ahead of you, just like I do...just like Kerri does.”

“Sometimes I still wake up, feeling like it just happened.” He says it lightly, staring straight ahead.  “And I don’t want to snap again, so I just try to forget it.  Melanie, she makes me forget how I felt when I woke up, you know?”  He lowers his head and shakes it a little bit.  “I get so scared that I can’t handle that...that I’m just going to fall for her completely and scare her away.”

“She needs you too,” I say, knowing I’m right.

He rolls his eyes at me. “She doesn’t know anything about me.”

I smirk a little bit.  “Judging by that whole soap opera fanfare moment, I think she knows more than you think.”

“Fuck,” he sighs.  “Okay...okay. I guess, you know...I like her.”

“Praise the Lord,” I interrupt.

“Shut up.” Justin glares.  “Tell me what the fuck I’m supposed to do.”

I get up from the ground and hold my hand out to him, helping up to get up.  “Pick your head up out of the dirt, and remember that she puts up with a lot of shit that she doesn’t have to.  She cares about you, man.  And she’s special, so you should really try to remember that the next time you get annoyed with her.”

“Shit,” he mutters, as we make our way back to the green.  “Why did I have to act that way before?”

I laugh and pat him on the back a little bit.  “Glad to hear you admit that you’re an asshole.  Now lets finish the damn game, so I can go home and play with my woman.”

“You know,” Justin says, smiling now, the glaze gone from his eyes.  “I think I could kiss her and really feel something, Trace.”

“Slow down man.” I laugh.  “First, you have to make up for being a dick today.”

“Oh...” he frowns.  “Yeah.”

“Just relax,” I say, calmly.  “Don’t blow up at her when she tells you what she doesn’t like about how you treated her.  I think Mel is an understanding person, and she deserves a chance to have her opinions heard, you know?”

“No you’re right, Trace.  I know I’m a fuck up a lot of the time.  I’m just glad that I have you around to kick me in the ass again.”

I smile because it’s the first time in a long time that he’s said something like that to me and meant it.  I think things are really getting back on track now, and with that in mind, I’m able to finish our game with no regrets or worries in the back of my mind.  Naturally, Justin beats me by a lot more than just a few strokes, and gloats about his achievement all the way back to the clubhouse.  I take his cockiness with a grain of salt because I know that for the most part, he really enjoyed today...and so did I.  We go inside and I see the girls seated at a table in the corner, drinking coffee.  Tarin is laughing and Melanie seems to be enjoying the moment, but when they set eyes on us Melanie immediately frowns, and I can feel Justin go tense at my side.   

“Hey!,” Tarin says brightly, getting out of her seat and walking over to meet me.  She gives me a light kiss on the lips and wraps her arms around my torso.  “How’d you do?”

I smile down at her, forgetting for a few minutes that anybody else is around.  “I flubbed it so I could come back to touch you sooner.” I put my hands on her ass and give it a firm squeeze, letting out a little laugh as I do so.

“Trace!”  

I give her an innocent look.  “What?”

She rolls her eyes, but can’t hide her smile.  “You ready to go? We can rent that movie and I’ll tell the girls to come over.”

“Yeah...sure.”  I smile at her and look back over my shoulder.  I can see Justin and Melanie standing there awkwardly, waiting for us to finish our conversation.  I turn back to Tarin, a serious expression taking the place of my playful one.  “Is Melanie okay?”

“Oh...yeah,” Tarin nods.  “We talked about growing up and high school.  Stuff like that.  She’s really down to earth.  I think I’m starting to like her.”

“Starting to?,” I chuckle.

“Well you know me, baby.  I don’t warm up to people easily.”

“I know.  I just...sort of want you guys to be friends, that’s all.”  

I feel lame saying something like that to her.  I know I don’t need to play Melanie’s friend matchmaker or anything.  But at the same time, I think it would be good for Tarin to have a friend like Melanie too.  The few girlfriends she does have, I don’t really like that much.  They’re all really superficial and into themselves.  They all think its really great that she’s dating me because they think I can help her career or something.  While thats the truth, I know it’s not the reason she’s dating me, and fuck I know I’d never date her if that was the case.  I guess I’m just afraid of them feeding Tarin too much bullshit, making her as superficial as they all are.  Somebody low key and down to earth would be a lot better for her to hang around with.  It would help Tarin to see that there’s a lot more to the world and the people in it, besides the music industry.  I know its kind of wrong but sometimes I think that she’s been involved in the same position, with the same people for so long, that she’s lost sight in the beauty of everyday life.  Even though I’ve sort of been in the same situation, I’ve never lost sight of that, and I’d never want to.  

“Aw.” She strokes my face.  “Do you want to set up a play date for us or something?”

I roll my eyes.  “You know what I mean.”  I pull away from her, because I’m a little uncomfortable right now.  Not badly uncomfortable, but I feel like she thinks I’m being flaky right now, and that wasn’t my intention.  

She tilts her head to the side, confused that I’ve suddenly pushed back from her. “Babe, what’s the matter?”  

“Come on.” I hold my hand out for her take.  “Let’s walk Justin and Mel to the car, and we can talk on the way home.”

‘Oh...okay.”  She takes my hand a little reluctantly, and doesn’t try to make any small talk on our way out to the parking lot.   Justin walks beside me, and Mel walks a little bit apart from him on his other side.  I can tell she’s sort of confused right now, and I wish I could just stop walking and tell her that Justin didn’t mean to make her feel like this today.  But again, that would be lame of me.  I barely know her, and Justin’s the one that  fucked up so he has to resolve the issue.  I guess it’s the do good part of me trying to break free as always, but I’m not going to allow it to right now.  

“Good game.”  Justin shakes my hand when we reach our parked vehicles.  “Maybe next week we can do it again.”

I shrug.  “Sure that would be cool.” 

(continued next post)