My eyes couldn't stop clouding over with tears. It had been ten years since I had seen them all ogether on stage. Performing. It felt so surreal. All those things people said about one person hanging them out to dry. The other person put his version of what happened out, leaving that one person feeling blamed. Alienated, even. The other three people ended up being stuck in the middle, with no idea of what to say or do. I kept in touch with some of them and we spoke more frequently than myself and others. But even I was unable to help them with this. I kept my thoughts to myself.

I still don't have an opinion on any of it. But it was amazing to see them together as a fan. Tear-inducing to see this as their long-time friend. Knowing what I knew about the situation and how some of the members felt about what happened, this was bigger to them than it was to their fans. I don't think people even thought about it in that way.

Only the guys knew what led to the group eventually disbanding, how they felt, and what was said. Besides Lamce, no one else mentioned animosity toward another person. Whether it was true or not, is still debatable. So to come together and make amends in private and then to the public? It was something huge to everyone, but more importantly to them. This was the disappearance of all that. None of what happened before seemed to matter anymore. I'll never forget the time NSYNC reunited and performed together.

Being cheeky back at the time all the hiatus happened, I had mentioned throwing some huge house party the day the guys performed again. I was so certain that it was never going to happen. Not that I didn't want it to, but I had come to terms with everyone having moved on. But I ended up being wrong, and now here I am. Having a party at my house which I have to clean up afterward. Me and my big mouth. It's annoying to have friends who take my word as bond.

"Do you think they'll come?" My best friend Celeste asked.

I shrugged. "I threw this party together in four hours, how would any of them even know about it? They're probanly enjoying their time together and celebrating, my party is probably the last thing on anyone's mind."

"You could've just said no," she joked. "And besides, the turnout as of now, is well over 50 people. Pretty decent for a last minute party.

"Well, my family does love a good party," I nodded.

"And free food," she laughed.

I ignored her and went on refilling the punch bowl. Even at age 34, Celeste still got a kick out mercilessly teasing me. I handed the punch bowl to my younger cousin and quickly sent him back outside.

"I feel like you don't want them to come, Zee," she stated.

"What gives you that impression?" I asked.

"You haven't spoken to Justin and JC in....eleven years?" she answered.

Yep. Always the straightforward and painfully blunt Celeste reminding you of the days you ran away from problems and had your share of fuck-ups, at any possible point and time. Why did I even bother coming inside to help her when I could be outside dancing and burying the thought of not speaking to my those two in so long?

"Thanks for reminding me," I said monotonously. "You're right, but it doesn't mean I don't want them to come."

"Don't you ever wonder why JC never bothered to try to get in touch with you? I mean, it was easy to do so," she said.

She keeps stabbing me with the knife, doesn't she?

"I assumed it was him respecting that we needed time apart from each other," I calmly replied.

"Time, okay sure, but eleven years? If he was trying to respect your decision, then he must have missed the hell out of you. And what about Justin? It was easy for him to get in touch with you, too."

I shrugged off her words. I didn't want to think about this. It took so much time trying to move on from it. I didn't need the emotions and stress being in that "place" again. I know that Celeste wasn't trying to make me upset on purpose, she was only trying to see if I felt anything. And I'm sure it's because I never did speak to her about what I was going through at the time. It was something I kept solely for Zahra. Only me, myself, and I knew about those nights I sat on the floor of my bedroom, motionless, for hours on end, thinking of how to fix things.

"Zee, what if they come?" The concern in her voice was sincere.

"Then I guess I can't hide anymore, can I?"

Sure, I told Joey about my party, but they wouldn't come. Chris and Lance? Definitely. Justin? He's probably still mad at me for disappearing on him and he'd only come to chew me out. JC? I don't know about JC. I hurt him that night I told him we should stop seeing each other. I hurt him even more by leaving without saying goodbye, and never looking back.

"You know I'll tell Joe the party is cancelled if you want. I love the guys, but I don't like the idea of everyone being uncomfortable around each other. Not after everything we've all been through," she said.

"They're not here, so we don't have to worry about that."

I blatantly lied out loud. I knew that in no time, Joey would peep his head into my kitchen. I felt it. At this point in my life, I knew these guys too well to be wrong about gut instincts. Either he'd pop in, or I'd go outside and he'd be standing there talking to my mom.

Celeste and I continued putting together small sandwiches for the hungry kiddies outside. Turns out this was more of a party for all my friends and family since we barely get to see each other much anymore. Later on, however, when the children under age 17 went home, that's when the adult party would begin. Ha, those were the worst for me as a kid, but as I got older I understood why they wanted me to go h...

"Boo!!"

I heard Celeste's excited scream and she hopped from her seat. I, however, didn't even turn around. I already knew who it was. See? Aren't I awesome? I wish I was this good growing up, could have been saved from many embarrassing moments. Still, I went and hugged Joey tightly. No matter how nauseous I suddenly felt, I was excited to see him. But I was incredibly nauseous.

"Joey are you here alone?" Celeste asked, not wasting any time.

She could have at least waited for me to go to my room, run away to Cancun, SOMETHING. Yet, I was practically frozen waiting for his answer. Right, so again, I'm a liar. Truthfully I only wanted to see Joe, Chris, and Lance. I was too afraid of seeing Justin and JC. I felt worried they would be so upset with me, I'd get ignored. Please say you came alone, Joey. Please. Please.

"Unfortunately, I am," he looked at me apologetically.

I let go a sigh of relief masked as disappointment. "Oh, oh shoot. This sucks so bad. But it's okay, really."

"We should get back to the party. We've gotta let your mom know Joey's here," Celeste said, happily pulling me by the arm.

I was practically jumping for joy on the inside as we walked out of the kitchen. To get to my backyard, we had to go through the dining room, and out the sliding door. I was almost out of the door, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye I was POSITIVE did not belong in my living room. I snatched my arm away from Celeste and turned back around.

"AAAAAHHHH!!" Celeste screamed behind me, and ran to who had me crazy glued to the wood floor.

I was stunned to my core. How is it possible for me to not have seen this coming? It wasn't the green-hazel eyed guy from Mississippi or the dork from Pittsburgh who completely immobilized me. I saw them and spoke to them way more often over the years. It was those other two I found myself shaken by. Huh. This feeling was too familiar. Seeing Justin and JC for the first time when I was 12 years old, I couldn't believe they were real. And like now, I still couldn't believe it. Their presence. Their eyes looking at me. My eyes started to cloud over.

I felt a soft nudge against my elbow, and was ripped from my daze. The one place I wanted to stay in at the moment. Joey gently pushed me forward and I began to walk. Only, these didn't feel like my own legs walking. I was having an out of body experience because this was possibly the worst way to get tricked by another person. I was so happy to finally get what I wanted, that I was gullible enough to believe Joey when he said he wasn't alone. I BELIEVED Joey. I guess I'd feel worse if it was Lance, since he was a horrible liar.

I stopped short. I didn't want to proceed any further and for once, my body was working with me and not against me. Now if I could only convince it to run away. We were both good at doing that. We should work on disappearing into thin air, too. I thought, 'go', but nothing was budging. Not a single step more. When it was certain that I wasn't going anywhere, Justin began to approach me instead. Did he get taller since the last time I saw him? Would that be going through puberty twice?

He was stopped right in front of me, but I wasn't looking up at him. I was still looking straight ahead. Right into his priest looking, color block, shirt thingy. As soon as I mustered up the courage to remember how to speak, I'd ask him what the hell he was wearing. I could see the threads on the thing. So either he was standing too close or I was very focused on his shirt. Probably the latter. I was slowly moving my head to look up, when I suddenly got wrapped in an embrace. There wasn't any conversation, no little whisper in my ear, just the hug. I was not going to cry. No. I had no reason to cry. I was the one who distanced myself from him. I wanted this. Nope. Suck it up, Zahra. Don't you let one single tear fall from your face.

"We'll talk later," he said quietly, and I was let go. "Guys, let's go outside, shall we? There's a Mama Camden out there waiting for us." The others quickly got the hint and scampered outside.

Why did they leave me in here with JC? I was feeling so many things at the moment, but the only one that made sense was that little voice in my head encouraging me to kill my friends. I liked that feeling. I could tell JC felt the same way I did about being left alone together. I can almost bet my entire life savings he had no idea he was being brought to my home. But what if he did know and wanted to come?

Again, my body and I were one, so I sort of stood there. I didn't know what to say to him or even how to say anything to him. I felt very horrible. I made a good decision to end our destructiveness with each other, but there was lingering guilt because it was one-sided. I was the one who wanted it.

"Sit. Please," I finally spoke. He nodded, sitting down on the couch where I took a place next to him.

"Before either of us say anything else, you need to know that I don't want to hear any apologies. You don't need to feel sorry about doing what was best for yourself," he said.

I released a shaky bout of air that was being held inside of me. I didn't know how necessary it was to hear those words come from JC until I heard them. Seems almost odd to think of someone's voice as music to your ears. Is it not? Well, that's how I felt listening to him. I felt different hearing him speak in person. His voice was fresh.

"You're not mad at me?" I asked.

"Mad? What. Why would I be? I know why you stayed away. The only thing I did for eleven years was miss you," he explained. "I missed you so much, Zahra."

He pulled me into his arms for a tight hug. And that's when everything, including my strong desire to not be emotional, collapsed. I let the tears calmly fall. I didn't think he would miss me the way I missed him. I knew he had dated many women in the years, and up until recently he was finally single. I figured that he had completely moved on, and left me back then. By the way, I didn't go searching for that information on JC's love life. It's hard not to know these things when you have a Celeste as your companion.

"You look beautiful, honey," JC said as detached himself from me.

"Thank you." I wiped my face. "You look handsome yourself."

"Much appreciated," he smiled. "Eleven years, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I can't believe how time flew."

"There was so much that happened. I-I'm so sorry about the things, with your album and whatnot, I mean. I should have been there for you," I said.

"Still old stubborn, Zahra, I see. I told you not to apologize for anything. I know you would have been there if our situation was different. Don't think you owe me anything," he told me. "Hey you ever get the card I sent to Mama Camden for your college graduation?"

"That card was from you? My mom said it was from my aunt." The card itself was so beautiful, I still had it hanging in the corner of my mirror. "Thank you for still thinking of me back then."

"You're welcome." There was hesitation coming from him. Even if we spent a half of a century apart, I could still read him incredibly well. "You have a lovely house."

"Thanks."

Something else was coming.

"Do you...do you live here alone?" he asked.

Knew it. Zahra, you are on fire tonight.

I chuckled softly. "Are you trying to ask if I'm married?" He didn't answer. "You can just ask, you know. It doesn't matter how many years we don't speak to one another, we're still more than friends."

"I'm glad you still think so. Are you? In a relationship?"

"I'm not. Why do you ask?"

"Are you teasing already?" he smiled shyly.

I smiled, shrugging. "I asked you a question."

"Look, I'm aware we can't pick up where we left off. We're different people now. Even so, I'd like it if we both got to know adult JC and adult Zahra better. What I'm saying is, I would love to take you out, if you allow me," he explained.

Here I was, 32-years old, at the crossroads of my prime, and the man I had been in love with for a great deal of my life was asking me to go out. Did I seriously even have to think about this? Yes. Actually I have to. It wouldn't be a long thought period. I owed it to myself to try and rebuild our friendship. Make it better, even. That much, I at least owed to JC, too. He deserved a better friend, and I wanted to give him that.

"Are you asking me on a date?" I asked.

"We don't have to call it that. It's two old friends hanging out," he said.

"And it's two completely single friends, right?" I had to make sure he was single.

"Yes indeed," he nodded.

There was a comforting and assuring silence between us. I was collecting my thoughts and I'm sure he was organizing his. What was going to be the purpose of hanging out? Were we trying to be more than what we used to be? And if things didn't go as planned, then what? Do I lose him again? I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't go through that. Not another time.

"Are we stupid to want to try "friends" again?" I asked.

"I'd rather be stupid for trying, than to be stupid wondering what I missed out on," he replied.

My heart softened at his response. It was pure and honest, he looked very serious about this. Yes we were stupid for wanting to try this again. But our individual experiences and all that time apart shaped and molded us into who we were now. Sitting in front of each other as adults who had left the game playing and messing around in their 20's.

"That's very sweet of you to say," I said.

"Zahra, I won't beat around the bush with you. I'm not going to let you slip out of my life like the first time," he assured.

"I don't think I can let you go easily, either. I missed you a lot, JC. I mean, I know just saying that is nothing, but I it was so hard walking away like that," I admitted.

"I know. And I promise I won't let things get so bad between us again."

I sat in my thoughts for a minute. This was what was in front of my face. As straightforward as I could ever ask for. What was I going to do? No, better yet, what did I WANT to do?

"Okay, I don't give out my info before a first date. What's your number?" I asked.

JC grinned. "Seriously?"

"Super seriously."

"Alright, I can give you my number. How do I know you'll call?" he asked.

"Wait by your phone?" I teased.

He laughed quietly. "Will do. I'm confident you'll call. I'm sure you'd care for some company."

The night of the party, we all enjoyed ourselves. Justin didn't see it fit to talk to me and I didn't see it fit to talk to him. We would save it for another time away from all the festivities. His life was the one that changed the most recently. His album, his awards, and...he was a married man now. I guess I saw that coming. And I'm sure he didn't mind not hearing from me, but it still bugged me that I didn't even send him a gift.

I don't feel any certain way about Justin getting married, you know. I knew that the night I said good-bye to him, it was in more ways than one. I had chosen to stop playing between him and JC. I had chosen JC. And it wasn't because Justin and I weren't right for each other. We could have been. But if we were, the relationship would have just happened. I wouldn't have had to sneak around to not hurt anyone else. And deep down I knew that my feelings for him were not the same that I had for JC. It took me a while to get to a place of admitting that.

But I wasn't off the hook. Not yet. I couldn't avoid talking to Justin. He had easily gotten my address from Celeste and he was on his way. At least she was good for something since she let me know he was coming. In the meantime, I was quickly picking up around my condo so I could go take a shower. I was nervous about seeing Justin and being alone with him. We weren't horny teenagers anymore, but we hadn't been alone together in a long time. There were things between us never said and never expressed. Would there be resentment?

Before I could run off to the bathroom for my shower, the doorbell rang. I wasn't even annoyed by the timing because my nerves were in my throat standing in front of the door. I took a deep breath while unlocking the locks, and opened the door. This giant stood before me, plaid shirt, jeans, and as always, a pair of Jordans on his feet.

I stepped aside to let him in, I didn't even say anything. I couldn't, I was feeling many things at once. But Justin didn't care about any of what I was feeling. Once I closed the door, he pulled me into his body and hugged me. I didn't hug him back immediately, I hesitated again. I was worried that I would get ahead of myself and be too wrapped up in him. But I had nothing to worry about, I wasn't 16 anymore. I calmly put my arms around his torso and hugged him back.

I missed him more than I thought I did.

Once we pulled away from each other, I led him to the kitchen. He took a seat at the counter, on a highchair, while I went to get him something to drink. I kept opening closing the cabinets with no idea of what the hell I was even looking for. I finally took a second to breathe, calm my shaking hands, and grab a glass of water. I turned to walk to the counter, Justin was watching me. He didn't have to say anything, I knew he understood.

"Thank you. ....Zahra, you look beautiful," he complimented.

"I can say the same about you," I said.

The silence again.

"I know we're going to apologize to each other, but let's skip all of it and just be content that all is forgiven," Justin said.

"I agree," I nodded.

"But there is one thing I need to know. I understand why you stayed away from JC for so long, but why me?"

"Because it was both of you who were connected to me, and you were still connected to each other then. I guess I let the time get too far away from me. Congratulations by the way, you're married," I said.

He glanced down at his ring and nodded. "Yeah...thank you. Who would have thought I'd be married?"

"I did. You've always been the one to be in long-term relationships, so I saw it coming," I replied.

"It could have been different..."

"Justin, don't do that. It could have been, but it wasn't and it's okay. I'm okay with it. And I have been for a long time," I assured.

"You weren't alone on that. It took a long time for me, too. And you seem happier, so maybe time away from me was the best," he said.

"It wasn't you or anyone else that made me unhappy. It was myself. I made myself unhappy by not making the smart decisions. In the end, if I could do it all over again to get to the peace and understanding of myself that I have now, I'd do it in a heartbeat," I explained.

Justin chuckled softly. "I was so used to hearing sarcastic remarks from you, I almost forgot how much of an intellectual you are. I'm happy for your peace."

"I am, too."

There was another moment of silence. But it was one of mutual respect. He was happy for me and I was happy for him. This is what our friendship was supposed to be, and it felt nice to finally have it again.

"Random but....JC's single you know."

I pulled my head back and gave Justin a look. "I'm aware of that. Why do you mention it?"

"Uh...well, no reason, just saying. People be single and stuff and I just thought you should know," he shrugged.

He was always the mood maker. He could always make me smile, even when I was attempting to write a death wish. I appreciated his light-heartedness after almost giving up on social normality awhile ago.

"Justin, please tell me you're not behind JC asking me on a date," I said.

"JC asked you on a date?!" he shouted.

DAMN it.

"You didn't hear anything, shut up."

"Oh my god, my ultimate otp is canon," he squealed.

I laughed heartily. "I cannot believe you said that. Consider yourself hashtag disowned."

"Well? Did you say yes?" he asked.

"Of course I did...," I replied.

"....you still have feelings for him."

"I don't know yet," I shrugged. I truly didn't. I missed JC and I wanted to catch up with him. But I couldn't be certain about how I was feeling yet.

"Do you even want something more? I know you did back then, but things are different now," Justin asked.

"I want to be a better friend. I owe him that. I owe you that, too," I said.

"Zahra..."

"No, I do. I was wreaking havoc on everyone's relationship, including personal and business ones...and it wasn't right. And I wasn't a good friend to you anymore. I used you as a way to make excuses. When you're one of the last people I should have ever wanted to hurt."

"I was only hurt when you pushed me away. But now you know that once you're back in my life, you can't leave as easily as you think. Not without going through customs and immigration," he cracked.

I pushed his arm gently. I had my friend back. The only one who understood the true madness of what my mind was and I of his. I felt more complete than I did before. I did use to depend on him too much. But when we were apart, that huge chunk of my relationships area got chipped away. Now that it's back in place next to Celeste, everything is almost right where it needs to be.

I feel clarity coming to me in a way it hadn't before. It wasn't only growing up or older, it was becoming mature...wiser. I was able to own up to my mistakes, and let those involved know how real my apology is.

This feeling, how content I was, it was nice.

Since the night of my party, a week and three days had gone by. ...I only provide this otherwise superfluous detail because I hadn't been able to get JC out of my mind since that night. Having seen him for the first time in person after so long, and then the timing finally being right, it was overwhelming. It was also incredibly exhausting. I didn't know how to make a clear understanding of what JC was wanting to get from the date we were going on. He said I didn't have to give it a name, but he also said he knew we couldn't pick up where we left off. Did he want to? And how could we, we never really had anywhere to pick up from.

Whatever, I can't beat myself up over this. I exited the bathroom, with my towel wrapped around my body as I quickly hurried into my bedroom. As I was putting lotion on my skin, I heard my doorbell go off. I quickly shimmied into some leggings, threw on a big t-shirt, and stuck my cold feet into warm, black socks. Not even bothering about my hair still being wet, I ran to the door, peeping out my side window to see who it was. Hmm, I could easily make out Celeste, but who the hell did she have with her? I opened the door and immediately laughed at myself for being the intelligent person I was. It was Justin she brought along. I don't know who else I thought it was, she wouldn't bring a stranger to my house unannounced. Duh.

"Uh...that's not weird at all," Celeste said as she walked in.

I hugged Justin and closed the door after releasing him.

"I laughed because I couldn't see who you had with you. It didn't cross my mind that it could be J," I shrugged.

"When have I ever brought a guy you didn't know? Anyway, how have you been? We haven't spoken since the party," Celeste asked while she and Justin were making themselves comfortable in the living room.

I sat down in my favorite armchair. "I'm good."

"You know, it'a risky to lie to one person who knows you like the back of her hand, but to lie to two?" Celeste teased.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" I frowned.

"It means you suck at lying to people who know when you're not okay," Justin answered.

"Normally, I would fight you both on this, but I don't even care. It's been 102.JC for eleven days, and I am not okay," I admitted. Celeste's eyes began to sparkle. She thoroughly enjoyed seeing me in these kinds of states. It's probably written in her will that her wish is for people to know that I'm a hopeless romantic. I have got to burn that will.

"Wait, what's that look? Why does Cel have that look and I don't?" Justin asked.

"Because she thinks I'm all lovebirds and heart-shaped roses right now, and I'm not," I explained.

"Justin, you may or may not know, but someone in here still loves JC," Celeste added.

"Well I do miss hanging out with him, but I don't think it's love," Justin said.

I snickered. Cel smacked his knee. "You know I'm not talking about you, dork."

He grinned. "I had already asked Zee if she was still in love with him and she told me she didn't know. You've been thinking about him all the time, do you still not know?"

"It's complicated," I answered. Then ensued the sucking of teeth. "Look, I don't want to get ahead of myself. I can't walk around thinking JC still feels the same way about me, if he feels anything at all."

"He asked you out, correct?" Celeste asked. I nodded reluctantly. She was going to make a point now, wasn't she? "Then he wants to reconnect with you, he wants to try things again. Does he have to say it for you to get it?"

I cleared my throat. "Uh...well, he sort of did say it?"

"Yeah, we're done here," Justin joked.

"I'm sorry, I just...I'm scared. JC and I have been through a lot, you know with sex and pregnancy. I--"

"WHAT?!?! Waiiiiiiit a minute! Pregnancy? What pregnancy?" Justin cried out.

Ohhh crap. I never did tell him about my pregnancy, did I? And it's been so many years. Holy shit. Justin's eyes were darting back and forth between Celeste and I. Oh he wanted answers and he wanted them now.

"I never got a chance to tell you, but, Challenge For The Children in Vegas...2001. You know, when you "accidentally" stuck JC and I in a room together?" He scratched the back of his head, looking away with a whistle. "Well....we tried not to go that route. You know JC and I vowed to be civil 750 times and failed before so I don't know why we tried in Vegas. Point being...we got caught up and didn't use protection."

I lifted up my shirt, and pulled down my leggings to expose my hipbone where the tattoo I had for Skylar was. Justin was just shocked at first, and then he looked solemn. I didn't know what to peg his emotions at that moment.

"I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish you would have let me be there for you, too, Zee, seriously," he said. I smiled. Aww, my Justin.

"Thank you...I wish that, too."

I didn't expect such a calm and rational response...? I thought he'd at least be a little angry with me because he was the only one out of the four us who didn't know. Maybe we all did grow up and mature in the years. He did seem very genuine in his words though. And although the time and my mind frame back then was long gone, it did touch me to hear that support from him. It let me know that no matter what had happened, he was willing to be there for me if I let him.

"Oh my gosh guys, I can't afford to cry right now, you know how long this smoky eye makeup took?" Celeste said, fanning her face rapidly.

I rolled my eyes. I admit, the reason I never told Justin was because I knew he would have been hurt and upset then. Especially since he was confused about a lot of things happening during that time. I didn't want to bring him anymore pain, no more betrayal. I was too selfish to lose him. Especially at that time where I was on the verge of losing JC, too.

"Maybe I'll get another niece or nephew sometime soon....," Justin stated.

"From whom?" I asked.

"You and JC, duh. We all know you two have the sex drive of pubescent teenagers. If you can make it out of the date with your clothes on, it'd be shocking but disappointing. Papa J wants some kids to spoil that aren't his."

I shoved his shoulder. "Okay, first off, rude. JC and myself are adults now, okay. We can't just do it all willy nilly," I said.

"Come on now, Zee...twenty years away from each other and you guys could still light each other's fires with a cough," Celeste joked.

"Oh both of you can go to hell," I laughed.

Justin pat my shoulder gently. "Seriously though, be honest with each other on this date. Don't let it go to waste, Zahra, anything can happen."

It had been nearing two months since JC and I were supposed to hang out. I was absolutely serious about taking it slow between us, and doing things the right way. Instead of hurriedly meeting up, we spoke to eah other on the phone or we sent text messages. The entire experience of being introduced to each other again was similar to how JC explained doing the NSYNC choreography again after so long. You do make some mistakes here and there, but after a few times, muscle memory kicks in. He was exactly correct. There were some things I had forgotten about JC, sometimes I didn't know what to say or how to say anything. But, after we got used to talking to each other again, it was as if we never spent those years apart. We spoke easily again, but it still felt as if each of us were keeping something from one another. Hmm.

I couldn't waste time thinking too much about it. Tonight I was going on a date.

"What am I gonna wear?" I cried, lying face down in front of my closet.

"I still can't fathom you guys actually doing this," Celeste lamented. "Wear something easy to take off, J and I already predicted how this date is gonna end."

I gasped out loud, lifting my head off the carpet. "I take offense to that. STILL, thanks. JC and I aren't like that with one another anymore. We're not having sex."

"Yeah, that's what your mouth is saying now, but your body won't be saying that later on," she laughed. I got off the floor and threw a pillow at her before opening my closet.

"We spent almost two months just getting to know each other again. I don't want to ruin it by moving too fast," I said.

"Zahra, take what I say with love and understanding." She was about to rip right into me. "If this was some guy you had never met, I would agree that you should move slow. But this is the guy you've been in love with since you were a kid. The guy you're STILL in love with, even though you don't want to admit it. How could you move too fast?"

"I did it the first time...," I said.

"When you were younger and immature, and unsure of what you wanted. You're not that person anymore. And I know you're not," she assured.

"So, what, have sex with him?" I asked.

"I didn't say that. I'm saying let what happens, happen naturally," she replied. "Stop trying to be in control of everything, including how you really feel."

I took her words into deep consideration as the time passed.

Soon, I was waiting for JC to arrive at my house. I don't think we've ever really been on a date with each other before. And that saddened me more than I thought it would. What if he decided to not show up? I know it's not in JC's fashion to do that, but people do change. It could happen.

I stood up to go look in the mirror one more time to be sure I was satisfied. I decided on a nude and black cocktail dress that had been sitting in my closet for the longest. It came a few inches above the knee, but flowed out. I still hated to wear heels and carry accessories, but I donned my nude pumps and black clutch along with my outfit. I kept my hair out instead of tying it away, since the volume worked in my favor. I was about to put on lipstick when the doorbell rang. Ah, don't need it.

I went to open the door and there stood JC. He smiled at me, taking a look at me before stepping forward to kiss me on the cheek.

"Hey, how are you? You look beautiful, mama."

I gushed. Ick, I can't believe I still reacted that way when he called me mama. I took a moment to inspect JC and he wasn't as hit or miss like he was back when fashion was a lot more relaxed. He had on a deep purple dress shirt rolled up to the elbows, a black satin vest, black pants, and boots. Everything was fitted and looked great against his, still completely svelte, figure.

"Thank you. You look handsome," I said. "Come on, let's go."

And with that, we were off to I don't know where. Wait, I don't know where he's taking me. Luckily, judging by his outfit, I didn't over nor underdress. JC was simple, so I expected to go somewhere completely straightforward; you know Italian, Thai, etc. But as we pulled up into the lot of this place, I drew a blank. I could always count on him to take me somewhere I had never been before.

The tables were candlelit, so there was a bit of darkness inside the entire room. The entire atmosphere was quiet, despite everyone chattering amongst themselves. On the stage, there was a good sized stage, a live band had been playing gentle music. The ballroom floor, wooden and sparkled to perfection, was open with a few couples dancing. The restaurant was the most romantic setting one could ever find, and here I was with the man who found it.

"This place is drop dead stunning," I gaped as we sat down.

"I had to find somewhere able to match you," he smirked.

"Still a cornball with those lines, I see," I smiled.

He chuckled. "Thank you for allowing me to take you out."

"You're welcome. I know I made you wait, but I've really been anticipating this. I'm happy you still wanted to," I said.

"I think after years of knowing each other, this is our first date. In our 30's and having first dates, that's....that might be sad," he smiled.

"Not really, it just means we don't have to hide anymore. We're doing this the way it should be done. We can enjoy tonight freely, and I know we will."

--------------
The date went off amazingly. It was better than I though it would be because I didn't know what to expect. We ate, we talked, we danced, it was perfect. It became even more perfect, as something romantic happened. The live band began to play Richard Marx' Right Here Waiting. If it had just been that, it would have been okay. But JC sang softly to me. I hadn't heard him sing in so long, I felt many things at once. I don't know if he knew, since my face was against his shoulder the entire time, but I cried. His voice could still break me into millions of pieces. I was feeling the words he was singing and I knew he could, too.

"Looks like our first date went off well. Did you have fun?"

JC and I were face to face, standing in front of my door.

"Yes, I did. I had a great time, thank you so much. Next time it'll be my treat," I said.

"Say what? You're gonna wine and dine me? I have to go get a new outfit and my hair done, girl," he teased.

I chuckled softly, biting my lip. I gazed into his eyes. They were still breathtakingly beautiful to the point where my knees were weak. I could get lost in them until the end of time. He shyly looked away, and it was as if how I was feeling at the moment was written all over my face for him to see. I didn't want to throw myself out there, but I also didn't want to feel like I couldn't be honest and open.

"I...I'm still in love with you...," I said, barely above a whisper. "I love you."

I could see the air leave JC's lungs, his world had been rocked by my words. He didn't say anything, and I was sure he had nothing to say. He stepped in closer to me, looking down at me. His fingers underneath my chin felt warm, and it got warmer as my eyes were lifted to meet his. I was raw and free from everything that would be holding me back. I gently put my hands on face and initiated our first kiss. It was like being reborn, the freshness, the vivacity, it was overwhelming and passionate. His arms hugged tightly around my body, digging more into the kiss. And when we pulled apart, his nose just danced against mine.

"I guess this is when I say goodnight," he spoke gently.

"You can...but I'd rather you say good morning."

That slow walk to the bedroom, wrapped in each others arms, pieces of my clothing dropping to the floor as we got nearer, was the fantasy I never knew I wanted. I pushed him onto my bed, making him lie on his back, kissing every part of his bare chest as I was removing his shirt. My tongue traveling around his navel, disrupted his breathing. I kept an intense gaze on his eyes as I undid his pants.His belt, I threw aside. His pants were somewhere lying on the floor. And his underwear had finally come off.

My mouth savored looking at his nude body. I rubbed my hands across his skin, just wanting to feel him beneath my fingertips. I missed how smooth and warm he was. I raked my fingernails down his forearms, and interlocked our hands. JC eased me forward, grabbing ahold of my lips with his teeth. Initiating a kiss, JC slung me up into his arms. I felt his free hand push between our bodies, and he began to rub his hardness between my folds. I caved into him. I forgot how good he felt. I rocked my hips in a smooth motion, the head of his penis rubbing against my clit. I dropped my forehead onto his shoulder, moaning into his ear. He chuckled softly.

"What...," I managed.

"I can still get you to moan at the drop of a hat," he grinned, licking his lips. He grabbed onto my waist, biting back a groan.

"You shouldn't talk. I've had you wrapped around my finger many times," I whispered into his ear.

"Oh yeah? Prove it."

I lifted myself off of him, moving backward. I gazed at his body with a still hungry appetite. I touched his penis, sliding my index finger up and down his shaft. With my eyes glued to his, I gently placed his erect member into my hand and wasted no time rubbing my tongue all around the tip. The hiss that left JC's lips and the the grips of my sheets in his hands, brought me untouchable satisfaction. I slid him inside my mouth, feeling his fingers gently caress through my hair. His abdominal muscles contracted as he got more excited. And after a few minutes he began to shift his hips upward. I had forgotten how much his moans drove me insane. I held onto his waist, slowly bobbing my head up and down. I know he was begging for me to quicken the pace, but I wanted to enjoy him against my lips and tongue.

"Zahra...," he groaned, pulling my hair tighter.

In little time, his breathing began to speed up. I started to feel every muscle in his body tightening and clenching up. His voice began gaining volume, so I knew he was on the road to a breathless climax. Still, I kept my pace nice and consistent. The grips of my hair wrapped in between his fingers, made me smile on the inside. He was so close. I mercilessly teased my tongue around his head, and one last tongue rub got me the satisfaction I wanted. I quickly backed away to watch the show, to watch him enjoy his pleasure. The writhing body, the actual climax, and him calming down, it was gratifying.

After taking a second to catch his breath, I found myself pinned underneath JC's body. His lips made small pecks around the area of my neck. His breath steamed full pf desire against my skin. I saw stars the moment JC and I became one. It was unreal, like a dream. I had craved him so much between my legs, his lips consistently passing against me, making small bites. It was pure ecstasy and passion at its rawest. This was what our first time together should have been like. Him hovering over me, taking his slow time, making sure I felt how deep his love for me went.

JCwas making love to me in a way that he never had before. Ever. The lust and secrecy he would be pounding into me for wasn't there, I didn't feel that like how I used to back then. The gripping of his fingers, the push and pull of his hips, it was all of desperation. He needed me, not that lust, not that orgasm, but me. It didn't take long, but once I realized that I needed him in the same way he needed me, I felt myself falling in love with JC. It frightened me at how unafraid I was.

Rolling back on top, I rocked my hips back and forth, loving the feel of his pecs on my fingers. His hands were glued to my hips, stopping me from quickening the pace, just to torture me. His moans and dirty talk were making me work hard to get him to the brink of climax. Only to playfully stop my rolling hips just to hear his pleas: 'No don't stop, don't do that to me, baby, come on'. Mmm, I was in absolute bliss. I pulled his body to sit up, wanting to see his face as I made him come. His fingers were sunken into my bottom, plowing me into his body. The muscles in his body began to tighten. I grabbed a fistful of his hair, and pulled his head back, smirking as I could hear him getting closer. I curled my arms around his neck and went all out for those last couple of pumps.

Something new happened, at least for is it was new. We climaxed at the exact same moment. Not me first, then him six pushes later, but at the exact same time. Grabbing each other, kissing each other, just holding one another. We were on the same page, finally on the same page. It was a moment that I wanted to share with him over and over again.

At the end of our lovemaking: all over the bed, on the floor, in the shower, it finally ended with me being wrapped in his arms. The desperation and need I mentioned before, it was most obvious in right then. He didn't want to let me go from his arms, and I didn't want him to. I'm not sure how to explain what was happening inside me, but I was unsure of if I should let it continue. What if this was just a one time thing for JC? Or what if we did have something and it ended like his past relationships? Shouldn't I be worried at how things were falling into place like this? Were we going to end up like we did before?

The morning came too quickly. I didn't even realize I was no longer wrapped up in JC's arms anymore. I stretched out, looking for his dress shirt and slipping myself into it. I'm sure he'd get a kick out of me in his clothes. Speaking of JC, where the heck is he? I didn't smell any breakfast or hear the television coming from that angle of the apartment. He wouldn't have just...

...is that a flower petal on my carpet?

My eyes zoomed out on the one petal to notice a trail of more blue flower petals on the carpet, leading out of the room down and curving down the hallway. What in the world was going on? JC's doing of course, but all of this for what reason? Wait...did he make me breakfast? JC attempted to COOK for me? Even though last I remember, putting cereal together was a hassle for him, he tried and did it, anyway? I think I'm going to cry.

"JC!" I called out as I walking down the hallway. I stepped out into the living room, kitchen area. I was being so busy looking around, that I didn't notice JC was standing in the middle of a heart made from the rose petals. I beamed at him, taking a second to look around where he was standing.

"Hey, what's the occasion?"

I watched the smile on JC's face disappear into absolute seriousness. He lowered himself down to one knee. My heart stopped. This isn't me exaggerating, I honestly believe that for three seconds, I was without oxygen. Was he serious? No. No fucking way. There...no, he...he's surely JOKING. Right? Isn't he? It's really hot in here.

JC's trembling hand reach for mine, gently grasping my fingers, while the other hand pulled a navy velvet box from his track pants pocket. Seeing the small box sent me into a complete frozen state of shock. My heart was racing so fast. It was moving faster than I could breathe. I wanted to do everything, but the outrage had me entirely subdued.

"Do you know what the exact moment I things became confusing for me? It was when I was packing to leave for Orlando. I was so nervous about being in a group, and you put on the radio to calm me down. Edwin McCain came on. It was at that moment I learned that you knew how to read me. Not only that, but you cared enough to do so. Do you know the moment I realized that you were the only woman I would ever need? When you told me you don't give out your number before a first date," he chuckled. "I know we've had our ups and downs, and I know I haven't been the greatest guy ever. But, honey, I'm so positive that you've been the most consistent and best decision I will ever make from here on out. I have to make sure I never lose you again, because you're worth so much to me. Zahra Camden....will you marry me?"

I felt lightheaded, my entire body felt like a balloon filled with helium. Was this actually happening to me? JC put that sapphire diamond ring on my finger, and I was in complete awe. Me get married? JC wanted to be my husband? My heart felt like it was caving in, because I'd never felt anything like this before. Wasn't I rushing things? If so, this would be the part where Celeste popped out of thin air to smack me and say I've known JC since I was 13, how the hell am I rushing?

"Marry you?" I repeated. JC nodded, beginning to look anxious. I could physically see the panic arising in him. But he had nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. "...Yes. Joshua Chasez, I will marry you."

It was a wonderful feeling being taken up in JC's arms, accepting love that was pure and honest. Wow. Engaged? Had he been planning this the whole time? DID JUSTIN KNOW ABOUT THIS? I couldn't deny the curiousness inside me. I had so many questions.

"Holy hell, I don't think I've ever been so nervous in my life," JC said, sitting down to catch his breath.

"You and me both. How long have you been...what made you propose?" I asked, hoping I wasn't being disrespectful by doing so.

"That night at the party, everything I felt for you, came back the second I saw you. I hadn't been able to hold a relationship together because I kept wanting something from them only you could give me. Spending time talking and getting to know who you are now made me realize that I didn't have to look for anyone else. I had the perfect person all along," JC explained.

I walked over to sit down on his lap. JC's hands wrapped around my waist, pulling himself closer to me. I felt like complete mush. Hearing JC say things to me I'd always wanted to hear, was hard to swallow once. He said it before, yes, but...not after putting an engagement ring on my finger. Oh my god, how do I tell everyone? DO I tell everyone?

"I can't believe you want to marry me," I said.

"Well believe it. You get to have all of this every night," he smiled. I chuckled, and hugged him tightly.

The relaxation I felt when my response came out so easily, was the most pivotal moment of my life. I let myself, willingly, be given to love and commitment. This was what it felt like to be in love and to be loved the right way. Before I would have been so scared to take this step with JC, and I would have run away. But I want this. I'm excited about this. JC and I grew up and matured so much without one another that it made being together easier.

I made hasty decisions in my life, but I know saying yes to JC was right. Being away from each other for so long made me able to appreciate the best parts about not only him, but us. We had so many things that tied us together: my first time, my first love, and most importantly, our baby that never was. I wanted to go on this journey with him, for better or worse.

I was ready now.