I studied myself in the full length mirror. My belly, swollen with the eight month old fetus still growing inside me, looked ready to burst open. I am so ready to get the baby out! I'm done being pregnant! But the baby will be so adorable and neither Harry nor I could wait to see and talk to this baby. I rubbed my belly one final time before yanking my dress back down over it and leaving the bathroom. Harry was sprawled out on the living room couch, shifting through the gigantic pile of fan mail that had been delivered earlier that day. Five hundred letters total he had read and he wasn't even halfway through. He peered at me over the top of a pink piece of paper that reeked of stale perfume and was written on in black felt pen that had bled through the page.

"Feeling okay, love?" he asked. I nodded and sat by his feet.

"I'm just uncomfortable," I replied. "Your child is going to be the death of me." I always referred to the baby as "your child" to him. I had found out the gender three months ago and had refused to breathe a word it to him since he had missed the appointment. I had told Louis, the baby's godfather, and Cassie and had sworn them both to absolute secrecy under threat of death. And neither of them had the balls to test their boundaries with my pregnant, crazy ass. Especially Louis. After seeing what had happened to Zayn when he crossed me, he was a little afraid of me. Cassie had laughed at me but kept the secret for me anyway.

"You're really not going to tell me?" he asked, sitting up and pushing his prefect brown curls out of his eyes. I shook my head. Sure he had tired to get it out of me with a bunch of different tactics that had been unsuccessful. Concert tickets for my favorite singers, trying to trick it out of me.......other things. But I wouldn't budge.

"You will find out in three weeks just like everyone else," I said, standing and kissing his temple. Before I could even straighten back up, a stabbing pain shot through my abdomen. I screamed and dropped to my knees. Harry caught me under the arms and pulled me back onto the couch.

"What's the matter, love?" I couldn't speak. The pain kept coming and was getting worse. He called for his sister. "Gemma!!!" She came running.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't know!" Harry replied, his voice frantic. "She was fine and then..." He gestured to me by way of explanation. A warmth spread across the front of my dress and Gemma began to laugh.

"Harry, go get the car and the bags," she said. "You're about to have this baby."

It's completely amusing to watch Harry gets cursed out, Deven tearing him a new asshole and the British hospital staff as clueless as his group mates (other than his sister, Gemma). I'm sitting in the corner of the room near the baby warmer, trying not to laugh. 

"It's all your fault!" she screams at Harry, who's completely confused. 

"Totally bonkers, mate!" Zayn yells. 

"Get him the hell outta here before I get up and slap him!" Deven screamed. Harry reached for her hand to soothe her but she snatched it away. "No! Do not touch me! I'm doing this right now because you touched me! FUCK you and your touching!" I wiped the tears of laughter from the corner of my eyes. "Fuck you, Cassie!" 

"Twins, twins, twins!" I curse her. 

"Bite me, bitch!" Harry ushered everyone but Louis, Gemma and I from the room. 

He shut the door and I can't hold it in any longer; my hands land on my knees and I shake with silent laughter as it slowly becomes audible enough to bounce off the walls and echo throughout the entire room. Deven picked up the cup with her ice chips and hurled it at me. It struck the wall behind my head and ice fell down the back of my shirt. I jump up from my chair and shriek over the sudden cold slipping down my back, my hands shaking the back of my shirt. 

Of course Gemma would laugh at that! At least it's not Aaron she's having kids with; she would most likely be having twins. I start laughing without shame again. She throws the pitcher at me this time and it clips my shoulder. 

"Owwww!" I yelp. "Dammit, woman!" She flops back onto the pillow, gripping the bed rails against another contraction and beginning to cry. Harry rubs the back of her hand comfortingly. "Try deep massaging her lower back, just above her ass crack; two or three finger widths higher," I suggest, rubbing my shoulder. Harry didn't dare try it, he has a look of pure fear in his eyes. "It will take most of the pain away and she might be a little nicer." 

"I feel safer not doing it," he justifies, fearing for his family jewels more than anything else. 

Gemma helps Deven sit up and quick as Chris is during a sugar high, rubs the spot I was talking about. She taps Harry's hand and silently asks for a kiss. He fulfills her small request. I grin, proven right yet again. Another contraction makes her cry out.  

"They're going on four minutes apart," she says through clenched teeth. "Where the hell is this doctor?!" As if on cue a short Vietnamese woman came in wearing a crisp white lab coat. 

"Hi, Ms. Santos," she said cheerily. "I'm Dr. Chu." 

"You're not my doctor," Deven interrupted, folding her arms over her chest. "Where's Dr. Daniels?" 

"She was called into an emergency surgery a few hours ago," Dr. Chu replied as she scrubbed her hands in the little sink in the corner."I'm her replacement until she's through." She dried her hands, snapped on some gloves and sat on the stool by Deven's feet. Reluctantly, Deven slid her feet into the stirrups. I averted my gaze, not wanting to see more of her than I needed to.  

"You're moving quickly," I heard the doctor say. "Eight centimeters already." I heard the gloves snap off and deemed it safe to look. "Is there anything else you need before I go?" Deven shook her head. Dr. Chu wrote her pager number on the white board and told Harry and I to page her if anything happened. 

"I'm not gonna let you call her," she growls at Harry, moments after the doctor closed the door. 

"You can't have the baby without a doctor or nurse in the room," I correct her.  

"Watch me," she growls as a wave of pain pulls her under. 

"Yeah, fail," I grumble under my breath. "If you want your baby to die then go ahead and try to have it without a doctor!" For a brief moment, fear flashed across her face. The contractions were coming faster. I went for the phone before anyone could stop me. Dr. Chu was back in the room in two minutes flat with Deven's feet up.  

"It looks like you're ready to push," she said happily. "Let's move her to delivery," she said to the nurse. Gemma and I were shooed away to the waiting room with the others. 

I was sure Deven's screams were echoing on other floors of the hospital. She gripped the bed rails and forced herself to breathe evenly.  

"I swear to all that is holy, Harry," she said through clenched teeth, "if you ever think about touching me again after this I will chop it off!" I heard Dr. Chu snicker and clear her throat to hide it.  

"Alright, Deven," she said, taking her place at her feet. "When you feel another contraction I need you to push. And don't stop until the contraction does. Can you do that?" Deven nodded bravely, sweat beading her brow already. 

A couple hours later and the lack of feeling in my hand from her squeezing as hard as she had, we finally have our baby!  

"It's a boy!" Dr. Chu announces over the cries, holding him up so Deven and I can see. She heaves a sigh and giggles. I don't know if it's from finally seeing our son or from relief of it finally being over. I kiss her sweat soaked forehead and pushed the damp curls off her face.  

"You did it, love," I said into her ear. "You did it." A nurse handed our newly clean baby boy to Deven, swaddled in a small blue blanket.  

"Oh," Deven cooed, her eyes brimming with tears.  "So you're the one that's been kicking me." He looked up at her.  

"He has your eyes," I said, trailing a finger gently down his smooth cheek. She nodded in agreement. 

"But your hair already." She plucked at a curl and watched it spring back into shape. "How can you love someone you just met so much?" She kissed him and then me.  

Harry bustled into the waiting room, a smile spread across his face.  

"Everyone," he said, offering out the blanket he carried. "I'd like you to meet my son, Jackson Alexander Styles. I'm a father!" We all jumped up and yelled happily. Zayn had disappeared long ago.  

"He's so cute," Cassie gasped, clutching onto my side. "I want one!" My guts tightened and I looked down at her with wide eyes. "Well obviously not this second!"  

"I hope so," I said with a tight jaw. I unwound her arms from me and stormed off. She was right at my heels. 

"Hey!" she called, running to catch up. "You wanna explain what that just was? Are you mad at me or something?" 

"You know and they all know I don't want kids right now!" I snapped. "Why'd you say something so stupid?" I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her skull they opened so wide.  

"Am I really so stupid for wanting to have a baby someday?" she asked. Her voice was tight, like she was going to burst out in tears any second. When I didn't answer, she began to walk away. 

"I guess we just want different things for our lives," she said over her shoulder. "Maybe we should just be done with."  She walked off. I let her go.  

"Good job, moron," I said to myself, leaning against the wall and putting my hands on the back of my head. 

I walk back to the waiting room and look confused, Louis fires back the same expression. "If you're looking for 'Drya, she's out there," he tells me, pointing towards the window and downward. 

"Thanks." I race outside, scolded by the hospital staff numerous times for running in the halls along the way, and spot her slumped over on the curb near the building. "Jaylyn," I softly say, approaching her. 

She lifts her head and wipes her eyes, sniffling. "I wasn't crying," she immediately defends.  

"It's better to cry than to hold it in." 

"What do you want?" she snaps, getting to her feet. 

I pull her into my arms and hold her close, her pushing me away doesn't really matter. "I'm sorry for reacting the way I did when you cooed over Deven's son." 

"You're such an asshole," she tells me, her voice muffled by my chest. 

"But I'm your asshole." That made her giggle. 

"Maybe one day we can try?" 

"Maybe one day about five or ten years from now we can revisit this discussion and decide then," I agree, keeping one arm around her shoulders and lead her back to the waiting room.  

She slugs me in my side, leaving a tender spot right in the middle of my ribs on the left. "For being an asshole and a whole ass." 

"Kids scare the ever-loving shit out of me; even Bri scares me." I rub my side with my free hand, reminding myself that she's always been strong and somewhat of a tomboy. 

"Bri is eight years old already!" she giggles. 

"Doesn't matter; kids still scare the fuck out of me." 

"Why, no, how the hell do kids scare you?" she asks, gripping her hair with her free hand and pulling me to a stop. 

"Tyler, Heather, Justin, Lance, Aaron, Nick and AJ to list a few examples." She rolled her eyes at me. I didn't know what I was going to do with her. "For now," I said, cupping her still damp cheek, "why don't we just forget all this, go back inside, and be there for Deven." She nodded and put her hand over mine. I moved my arm around her shoulder and led her back up to Deven's room.  

The news of Deven's baby hit the magazines the morning after. Nick tried to hide them from me, but he didn't account for my trip to the store. I stood at the rack with my basket and just stared. A couple of teenage girls snaked their way around me and grabbed at copies.  

"OMG," the shorter of the two gasped. "Deven Santos's and Harry Styles' baby is so cute!" She clutched the copy of People to her chest as though it were going to disappear. The taller one sighed dreamily at her own copy.  

"Why couldn't it be me?" she asked. They walked off, still swooning. Funny though, her and I had been thinking the same thing. I moved into the express line and tried to focus on anything but the magazines glaring me in the face. The cashier that rang up my Yoo-Hoo, package of Mr. Goodbar minis and Junior Mints had a fake smile and unnaturally white hair and a ring through her septum.  

"You look familiar," she said as she handed me the change. I adjusted the sunglasses. "Have we met?" Her smile became natural and I noticed how pretty she was. 

"Maybe somewhere in my dreams," I replied, smiling back at her. I lifted the sunglasses and winked. Recognition clicked in her eyes. I put my finger over my lips and made a shushing signal, putting the glasses back over my eyes. I gathered my bag and walked out the door.  

I silently chuckle at what she had said to me as she took my payment once I walk in my house, checking how much it cost and truly laugh at what is written on the bottom of it; obviously the cashier's name is Persephone and she wrote her number down, making note of the time she gets out of work tonight.  

I quickly take my bag into my room and hop online to research her by the digits she put on my receipt. I find out that her dad left before she was a year old, her mom is the Greek history and Mythology professor at UCLA, she has a step dad, two younger brothers, she has a twin brother, she's twenty, in her second to last semester before she graduates from Berkeley with masters in high school education, biology and anatomy & physiology and she just turned twenty a couple months earlier. "Persephone. Now I read your medical records and police reports," I announce, under my breath. I click the link for her medical and police records. Mentally stable? Passed. Whoa! Hold the phone! She was arrested at seventeen for beating the fuck out of a couple guys. I let out a breath when I find that they were trying to kill her for her ex-boyfriend, according to previous and more recently filed reports. Domestic violence, harassment, assault and battery, voyeurism, theft, and stalking charges are all ones she filed with the proof to support each one. She's a victim, but got arrested for defending herself? Who is her ex? Where was this? New York? She's from there? Looks like the Bronx to be exact. A mobster's nephew is her last boyfriend with attachment issues until she moved out here, started college, laid low, and feels safe enough to work. She has her own place. The last police report was two years ago, about three months before moving out here. Pretty hazel eyes, caramel colored hair, not stick thin and not that big. Intelligent, pretty, ambitious and works hard. 

Wait, caramel colored hair? She had white hair at the store. Did she dye her hair or is it a wig? At any rate, it won't hurt to be a friend to her. There's a link to her Facebook and I follow it, checking what I can see. She's not on much from what I can tell. Her last update was almost three weeks old and said something along the lines of missing home and how she wishes she could see her family.  

She seemed like a sweet enough girl. And I hadn't flirted with anyone that way since I had met Deven. Maybe she's worth getting close to, possibly even trusting. Within a few moments, she accepted my friend request.  

How did you find me so fast? She asked in a message another moment later. I smiled to myself. 

Not a lot of girls named Persephone around here lol I replied. Even if there were, not a single could be as pretty as you are. I add a winky face to the end of my statement and hit send.  

Do you use lines like that on everyone? she asks, laughing back at me.  

Only on the ones I would like to take dinner tonight. She didn't reply right away and for a moment I thought she would reject me. It has been over eight months since Deven and I had broken up and I wasn't sure if I could take a rejection. 

Are you serious?  

Well, yeah. I want to get to know you a little better (: I leaned back in my chair and chewed nervously at my nails. 

How do I even know it's really you? 

I came in and you rang me out. Thin mints, yoo-hoo and some mini mr. goodbars. I let you see my face and you stayed quiet. White hair, beautiful hazel eyes and a breathtaking smile when it's natural. 

Another nerve racking slow response and then she replies. Can I get to choose when and where? 

Of course you can, Persephone. I grin, knowing that I have succeeded in getting her to agree to go out with me and to allow me to get to know her. 

Fine then (: There's the cute little French place on North Main Street and I'm out at 4 so say about...6? It's quiet, discreet and the lights are usually dimmed down. I sit back and wait as I weigh the pros and cons, making her sweat a little. Unless you're too chicken shit.;) I smile at her lack of filtration. A true New Yorker to the bone. 

Too chicken shit? I believe I asked you out. I have to go, but tell me where to pick you up tonight. 

She gave me the address to what she described as the small tan house with black shutters and a missing front stair. I knew the area and it wasn't the most reputable. As I logged out of Facebook, I decided I best not take the Escalade. I hop over to a rent a car website and reserved a small green Ford with a dent in the passenger's side. Should be just ghetto enough to not be a target.  

We were fighting again. Nothing had been right since that night at the hospital over two weeks ago.  

"I'm so done with this shit, Jaylyn!" he snapped at me, throwing the book he had in his hand at the wall in front of him. "You pick and you pick and when I snap I'm the asshole! Alright, I love you! But I am tired of the arguing!" I didn't say anything. I just stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door behind me.  

A moment later, I heard the front door slam and his car pull away. I picked up a little ceramic dragon off the bedside table, a gift from him on our anniversary, and threw it. The face snapped neatly in half and the pieces clattered to the floor. I broke down and began to cry, sitting on the end of the bed. I pulled out my phone and texted him. 

You're not the only one who doesn't want to do this anymore... I typed, leaving it at that. Then I stood and went to my closet, pulling out the dusty old suitcase. I brushed it off and set it on the bed. My phone went off and I ignored it. If I answered that text, a whole new fight would begin. I just turned the radio up and gathered my clothes from the drawers and hangers, leaving his things scattered angrily on the floor. After I gathered my toiletries and slammed the suitcase shut, I picked up some paper and a pen and tried to write JC a letter. It wasn't as hard to tell him goodbye as I thought it would be. 

C,  

You're right. The arguing is getting old. I can't take it anymore, either. We have both turned into people we're not and I don't like it. I love you too. But we just want different things. And I think we need to be with people that want what we do. 

Take care of yourself. 

Cassie 

I called the one friend I've always turned to other than one of the guys, Boys, Aaron or my family (it includes Kenisha) and prayed he had the time to help me out. "Hey, 'Lyn," voice greets me, happiness in his voice. 

I tearily smirk. "I need your help and only yours." 

He gasps. "Fill me in while we work and I can promise I'll come alone," he barters. 

"Of course, 'Rik. Get here and help me get my shit to your place and I'll tell you everything you want to know, no limits," I counter with, motioning to the ground and like I were erasing something from a chalkboard. 

"Give me ten minutes and I can be at JC's," he agrees, a soft chuckle ending it. 

"See you in ten." I hang up and sigh, quickly deciding on getting all I can that's mine in the living room before he gets here so I can be gone long before Josh returns. I just can't deal with another argument; it's pretty much like my parents used to be prior to me moving in with Titi Bev and 'Lan. I shake my head and grab my suitcase and phone once I'm satisfied with how my things are placed that had been in the basement for the past twelve, almost thirteen months. I've been with Josh for five months, three weeks and two days out of the whole time I've been living under his roof.  

I finally gave up and read the text, letting the air rush out of my lungs to find out that it had been my cousin and Joey. What's happening? Joe and I can sense something's not kosher, been for a couple weeks now. 

I sigh again. Just fighting (verbal only) like my parents did since Deven had her son. I'm leaving cuz I just can't. 

Where are you staying? He fires back in moments. 

EVD's place. Of course I tell my family where I'm staying so that they don't worry as much. Then I realize that I have to make him do something. Swear on our closeness that you WILL NOT TELL JC WHERE I AM!!! 

Cookie promise, is what he says and it's agreed upon. 

Erik texts for the codes and I punch them in, allowing him access. I see he got smart and brought his truck, knowing it's how I got the small things I have with me to Josh's in the first place. "Let's get this done." 

"You want the story now?" 

"Abbreviated version would be awesome, 'Lyn," he answers, smirking and grabs two boxes stacked one on top of the other. 

I do the same and we begin walking to his truck. "You know about Deven having her baby," I recall. 

"Yeah, Harry something is the dad in the UK." 

"Yeah, well, I said I want kids and he snapped. Something about not wanting them now and we've been fighting off and on since then, over every and anything," I explain. 

"And you can't deal with that sorta thing because of your parents being like that when you were a kid," he echoes back what I'd told him when we first started getting to be besties back in 96, there while he filmed Brink! I nodded and buried my face in my hands. 

"I love him, 'Rik," I say, my voice coming out muffled and teary. "But I'm not going to stay where I'm not happy." He reached over and touched my cheek. 

"You're going to be okay, 'Lyn," he said. "I'm here for you." I touched his fingers gently. 

"I know." We pulled up to his house and he helped bring my things up to the guest room right next door to his own room. Through the big bay window, I could see the sky beginning to darken. 

"If you want we can go somewhere for dinner," 'Rik suggested, tossing my things onto the bed. 

 "Or we could order in, ice cream included, and watch some bad movies." Which told him I wasn't really up to going out. 

"Then take-out it is," he laughed, turning to go order the food. He already knew what I liked.  

Over ten years of being best friends has it's perks and advantages, along with the downfalls which are few and far between. "Do you know of any horrible thriller movies that have come out recently?" I shout through the downstairs after changing and descend the steps in my Power Ranger green yoga pants and white spaghetti strap tank top with my bare naked feet slapping the floor lightly. 

I watch him look online for bad thriller movies as I tie my hair up in a messy French braid, one spawning out of the list that I heard about and wanted to see what he bitched about for a couple weeks around mid-April. That was nearly a month and a half earlier. "Just the one who you just dipped on had a part in may turn out slightly humorous for us," he tells me, scanning the description as I do so over his shoulder and I hold him like I would someone who I'm with from behind him. I allow my arms to encircle his waist, pressing our bodies close and my head resting on his left shoulder. We've always been comfortable with each other like that since day one of meeting and it causes problems when one or both of us is in a relationship. 

"Yeah, along with Freddy, Chucky and Jason movies," I agree. 

"Most current ones are?" 

"Seed of Chucky and Freddy Vs. Jason," I seamlessly reply, having searched it a couple days before. 

"What about Jason Voorhees?" 

"Jason X and Freddy Vs. Jason," I confirm. He reaches up behind himself, winding his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer. He got up only for a few minutes to make the largest pitcher of margaritas I had ever seen. He poured them into big glasses and even topped mine with a lemon and little umbrella. 

"Oh!" I said when he brought it out. "I'm certainly being spoiled tonight. Take out, margaritas. What's next? You gunna give me a manicure too?" I laughed at my own joke louder than I meant to. He laughed with me and sat back down, pulling me back against his side.  

"No," he said. "What I'm going to do is make you forget about why you're even here, 'Lyn." He emphasized my name by squeezing me. "You're not even going to remember his name. At least for tonight." I sipped my drink, suddenly remembering why I didn't drink his margaritas. The amount of alcohol burned my throat and made me cough a little. He was laughing again as I set the drink on the table. 

"Oh, no," he said. "You're going to drink that and help me finish the pitcher!" I shook my head defiantly. 

"No way," I said. "Too much alcohol. I will be passed out before I finish my second drink." 

He looks at me confuzzled, shock tinged with control soon after taking over his expression. "There is NO way of getting out of this," he informs me, handing me my margarita back, "and the entire pitcher." 

"Bu-" 

He shoves the glass to my lips and empties it into my mouth. "C'mon, miss 'I can drink you so stupid that you won't know anything about yourself' can't even get me to drink myself buzzed," he calls me out on my months earlier shit talking. 

"Really? Now you call me out on shit spoken like six months ago?" I retort, folding my arms under my bust with a challenging glare. 

"And that you're a lightweight bitch who can't back up her shit talking." He returns the gesture just before he speaks, doing the hood rat head bobble and attitude for good measure and it earns a giggle from me. The doorbell interrupts our fun. But over priced Chinese food is calling our names. He gives the man a generous tip and calls him by his first name, shutting the door after. 

"Order out from that Chinese place enough?" I taunt. 

"Only once or twice a week and they only have two or three drivers." His tongue pokes out between his lips.  

A shiver rises from the base of my spine and runs through my body, leaving a tingling sensation in my head, chest and between my legs. I shake my head behind his back and assume it's the alcohol kicking in. I could never like him that way, ever. I'm not destroying what we have with something as small as a one night stand. He grabs the forks and paper plates, placing the previous on the latter before bringing my drink to me in one hand and the plates in the other. I set the cornucopia of food containers on his counter in a buffet style with the various sauces at the end. We fill our plates and grab our sauces, sitting on the couch before he snaps his fingers. He walks off and returns with our margaritas, placing mine in front of me. "You're seriously trying to make me drink to that point of pure stupidity?" I groan. 

"Just like you made me do on my 21st birthday," he reminds me, smirking like the evil and sick minded fucker he is. 

"You were so fucked up that you couldn't tell me why you were doing what you were," I reply, turning bright red in the face as I attempt to switch his almost empty margarita glass with my half full one. 

"You haven't told JC, have you?" 

"No way, José." 

"It happened in his living room." 

"He doesn't need to necessarily know every little thing that happens in his house when he's not even there," I defend, taking a mouth full of twirled lo mein from my fork. 

"It's his place." 

"And something that happened between you and I, therefore not involving him or his right to know cuz I was single then," I retort, chewing a piece of crab rangoon. 

"What do you plan on telling him when he does ask about the stains?" he presses, pointing at me with his fork. 

I watched Harry and Deven silently from across the studio, fuming to myself. She held Jackson with one arm and was fussing at Harry's hair with her free hand. All while masterfully balancing the car seat/carrier thing on her elbow and the overloaded diaper bag slung across her chest. In just the two weeks since the baby she had this mommy shit down to a science. I couldn't help but notice the dark circles and bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted beyond belief and so did Harry. I honestly didn't know how they bounced between their careers and the baby. The thought made me wonder if the group would lose Harry.  

Then again, Joey did it and Kelly wasn't running a high profile career. The most Kelly did had been a clothes store, one she owned in Orlando, Florida. It was a little different than Deven and Harry, but the same thing regardless.  

Jaylyn wants kids, but I don't want any right now or anytime in the near future. I'm far from ready. "Harry," I call out for him and he approaches me, having been waved over once he had looked in my direction. 

"What's up?" he questions, rubbing his eyes and stretching. 

"What would you do if she wanted another kid and you didn't?" 

"Cassie wants some?" 

"Yeah..." I squint my eyes at him, wondering how he would know. 

"What was your reaction?" 

"Snap at her and we've been fighting over everything, but I'm tired of it." 

"I would have asked if she could wait awhile and left it alone." 

"Thanks."  

I walk into the hall of the Los Angeles rehearsal studio and call Jaylyn. "You've reached Cassandrya Kirkpatrick. Please leave a short message with your name and I'll return the call once I get a chance." 

Straight to voicemail? Hmm. I call her older cousin, knowing that she won't answer the house phone. "Hey, C. What's up?" 

"Just wondering why Jaylyn won't pick up when I call her." 

"She's mad at you," he slowly reminds me. 

"I know that. Do you know where I can find her?" 

"I'm not her keeper. She may be in meetings or at the spa." 

He sounds unsure or he may be hiding something from me. "Come on, Chris. If she told you anything, I need to know." 

He starts singing the chorus to Marc Anthony's I Need To Know and I get annoyed, growling at him. "All I know is that you and her have been arguing for the past couple weeks, I swear." 

"Thanks. Talk to you later. I'm going to head home to see if she's there." 

"Good luck." 

I hang up and pop my head into the room Deven and the group are in. "I'm going to run out and I'm sure you're fine in your choreographers' hands. Call me only if you really need me." I get eight thumbs up and head for my house.  

I walk into the house, the main floor seeming to be as I left it. I check the basement studio and find it empty. Guest rooms and the hallway upstairs are fine. I open my bedroom door and my jaw drops. The ceramic dragon is broken, my things are all over the place. Her things are gone, even her suitcase and I race down the two flights of stairs and check the closet in the studio to find it empty of all her belongings. I call Lance. "Dude, she left me!" I choke out once I hear him suck in a breath. 

"Check your texts from her and the coffee table for a note or something," he advises me. 

I put him on speaker, sniffling and silently read the text she sent when she was still mad as I head for the living room coffee table. "She left, she's out of my life." 

"How do you know?" he inquires, curious. 

"The note on the coffee table says she thinks that we should be with people who want what we do and she put 'take care of yourself' as her closing, Lance." 

"Maybe it's not meant to be when it comes to the two of you?" he tries to point out without being a total douchebag about it. 

I shake my head. "She destroyed the master bedroom and everything is all over the room. Her things are gone, she's gone and I have absolutely no idea where she is or who she's with." 

"Maybe it's how things work when it comes to her, JC." 

Almost the same thing he said about her back in 95. "How do you say the same damn thing, considering it's been more than twenty years?" 

He sighs, irritated with me. "Am I the only one who has seen it from day one?" 

"No, I'm aware she's a stubborn and motivated woman who finds a way to make everything work in her and everyone's favor." 

"She needs space and is most likely staying with a friend," he reminds me. 

"Which friend?" 

"JC, back off and she should get in touch with you when she's ready," he suggests. 

"Thanks, Lance," I sigh, hanging up before he could say another word and groan. "Why not just talk to me?" 

"Maybe it's because you're picking fights with her constantly," a voice tells me. 

I spin around and see Kenisha sitting in my armchair to my left, one leg hanging over the arm and the other dangling in front as she lays across the chair with her head on the opposite arm of it. 

"How would you fucking know, Keni?" I demand, my words muffled by my hands when I drop my head into them. 

"I'm her best friend, basically her sister and she tells me everything." 

"Except?" 

"Where she went and who she's with now." 

"Why wouldn't she?" I question, grabbing myself a Jack and Coke. 

"She knows we talk, that's why, stupido." She helps herself to a bottle of Captain Morgan mango rum, making it into a slushy or smoothie. 

Her phone begins screaming like a horror film set and I look at her like she's an alien species. "Who the fuck has that damn ringtone?" I ask, wincing as I wriggle my pinky in my right ear. 

"Just Cassie." She checks her texts and her mouth is agape. "Puta." 

"What did she say?" 

"Just that she fucking hates you for making her feel like shit and hurting her." 

Her phone shrieks again. "Did she tell you where she is?" 

"Yeah, but she told me not to tell you." 

She puts her phone down in front of me and I look at it, confused. "Who is EVD?" I wonder to myself, muttering it. I text Justin, asking if he knows who that is. 

Erik Von Detten. I send some question marks. From the movie Brink! 

I thank him and text Jaylyn. I miss you. Please come home. 

Fuck off. I'm staying here. 

Where is here, Jaylyn? 

We're done, over, fini. Go find yourself another bitch, you fuckin asshole! You can go to hell! You're a douchebag mother fuckin dick. You're a selfish little prick that can't compromise worth shit and can't fight his own battles for shit bc you're a chicken shit bastard!  

What the fuck? Where did that come from? Why are you saying that? 

Leave me the fuck alone, shitbag. 

"I can tell you why she can spell every word right and why there's no filtration for what she's saying or texting, rather." I look at her with a raised eyebrow, curious. "She's drunk texting us and you know she has that swype keyboard on her phone cuz she has an Android phone." 

I sigh. I know you're drunk. Please come home. I'll come get you if you tell me where to pick you up. 

Oh, fuck no! I'm staying here. I took my shit and left to show I'm DONE with you. Fight after fight proved why we CAN'T be together, that we're NEVER gonna work out. Find some other bitch, there's plenty around here. 

Jaylyn, you know damn well that I've loved you from day one and we both know I've made mistakes when it comes to you. Please forgive me. 

Why should I? That's not gonna work on me bc I truly did love you selflessly. I'm over you and over the relationship. I suggest you let go and move on. 

I don't think I can do that yet, never mind love another woman like I do Jaylyn. "I'm going to check on Jaylyn, I'll call when I get there." 

"JC, I wouldn't do that," she tells me as I grab my car keys. 

"Why not?" 

"Just fucking trust me!" she screams at me. 

"I refuse to change my mind; I'm going and that's final," I growl. I hear her mutter her bitter disagreement as I slam the door shut. 

'Lyn and I are on our third glasses of margaritas and she's so fucked up that she's drunk texting JC, none of it being nice. She told them they were over with and we have a policy of what happens, just happens. Since she's single again, gives us the chance to fool around again.  

When she gets drunk enough, she chugs whatever alcohol that happens to be in her reach. It could be a drink she won't normally touch and will drink it in a few chugs without a second thought or even really tasting it. She finishes her margarita in one huge chug and chases it with mine. I chuckle. "You're ssslack*hick*in, 'R*hick*," she slurs, tapping a glass with her finger nails. 

"I think you're done, alkie," I laugh, but give her another half a glass to finish off the pitcher. 

"You ssssaid I 'afta help empty *hick* the thing of *hick* margar*hick*ita sssshhhhhiiiitttt," she drunkenly reminds me, pointing a drunken finger at me. 

"Trust me, you're fucking schlammered, 'Lyn."  

"What bout the th*hick*ingy?" 

"It's gone, lush."  

She laughs and falls on me, knocking me onto my back which makes her body fall on my chest so our faces are less than three inches apart. We share a kiss and she straddles me, leaning into it more passionately. I allow my hands to rest on her lower back and she quickly moves them, my forefingers to her inner thighs near her treasure. I softly slide my fingers along her mound through her panties under her velvet ankle length skirt, earning me moans and her body sliding over mine. "Erik," she whispers in my ear, her lips brushing the shell of it and her breath laced with desire and lust.  

"This isn't-" I start to argue. 

"Erik, oh, God, please, fuck me now, please," she begs. 

I know she just broke things off with JC, but I haven't been laid since the last time she had been single for a few months. It made me want her even more, but I have to respect that she's drunk as fuck and just left him. Her breathing on and in my ear, her body rubbing seductively on mine, and my own lust-filled desires make it hard to turn it down. "You sure?" I inquire, looking into her gorgeous dark honey eyes and her eyes are speaking for her. 

"Please, Erik, I want you. I need you." 

She slips to her knees at the edge of the couch, undoing my pants to strip me and begins working her mouth on my dick before I can say a word. "Fuck. Just like that," I groan, complimenting her skills. 

I feel her stop. I open my eyes, watching her strip off her green lace thong and hike up her skirt only to place her tight walls on my pole, kissing my lips. My hands slide up the sides of her body to her 34DD tits, moaning escapes us both and she sits up which allows me to suck on her nipples as she rides me mercilessly with such ferocity that we both meet the waves of euphoria minutes later. Both of our heads fall, mine onto the back of the couch and hers onto my chest; a slamming door causing us to jump at the sound. Moments later we hear tires squeal, protesting the person's quick get away. Her phone begins singing the hula thing Timón and Puumba's hula bit, both of us laughing about the timing of everything. 

She checks her texts and covers her mouth with her hand, a mix of shock and being caught red-handedly doing something completely wrong. "I know who slammed the door and took off like a bat outta hell," she says, her words muffled by her palm. 

I knit brows together, befuddled. "Who was it?" 

"JC." 

My face drops. "Oh, fucking shit!" I shout, running my hands through my hair anxiously while beginning to feel my heart beat out of control. I feel bad, even worse than last time we had fun like this. JC, no doubt, hates my fucking guts. 

Her phone rings again, I Need To Know playing this time and she looks afraid. I silently ask her who it is. She mouths the same name she just said a couple minutes earlier. I motion for her to answer the call. "What?" she immediately snaps at him. 

"I saw you fucking him. That's why you left? Is he better than me? Is it because you wanted to jump around on his dick for the past few weeks? Is it because if he gets you knocked up, he's going to stick around and raise a kid he wants? Is it because I don't fucking want kids now?" he barks out his inquiries, giving her no time to respond before the next one comes out of his mouth. 

"No, I left because all we do is fight and fucking argue!" she hollers back at him in response, growling like an angry jaguar or wolf. She throws her cell clear across the living room, hitting the 90 degree angle between the floor and wall near the bottom of the steps, causing it to shatter the screen at the least. She's usually had the final word in every argument she's ever had, even if were a nonverbal fight involving only expressions and body language.  

Her knees give out and she drops to a sitting position in front of the couch when she stands on her bare feet, her head falling into my lap near my crotch. I quickly tuck myself into my pants, trying to comfort her all at once. "'Lyn, it's gonna be fine. You said yourself that he's insecure and had been obsessed with you forever." 

"I have to get in touch with my cousin." 

"Kenisha, too." 

She nods, slowly getting to her feet and wanders to the guest room she laid claim to when she walked through the house after we got the last box inside with her phone attached to her right ear, babbling on in Spanish.  

She gave me her cousins' and Kenisha's numbers when we started getting close, explaining why I'm texting Chris and her best friend from Orlando. 'JC walked in on us and got mad after she broke up with him and left.' 

'He has been a whiny bitch since finding out she left him or so Lance relays to me.' Classic Kenisha reply. A second text comes from her. 'Talked to him when JC went out your way.' 

'Keni, how did he find out she's even here?' 

'You damn well know that I haven't figured out this new phone besides the basics. Don't know how to set up a lock. Was supposed to meet up with her so she could teach me.' 

I hang my head. 'Seriously? You left your phone where he could open it? You know how he gets about her.' 

'I was making a drink for myself and I heard him move something on his coffee table, but I thought it was his phone he moved. I get back in the living room and he texting like a maniac, angry looking.' 

'When was this?' 

'Right before he said he was gonna check on her and I texted you both with the warning of his arrival, but I suggested he not do it. Was there a delay cuza the companies?' 

'Considering his house is about an hour away from me, big time. We got it just as he took off after catching us.' 

'Shit got real. He's calling me.' 

Texting with Kenisha tells me she's on the phone with Chris because he won't answer anybody else when he's on the phone in any way with 'Lyn. I sent the first text to her and Chris, telling me who she's talking to at that moment she got on the phone. Chris has always puts everything on hold for her and everyone else that's important to him. 

He calls me back about an hour after she went upstairs, but it works. "Hey, man." 

"Erik?" 

"Yeah. He caught us in the moment and we didn't even know we had the audience until the door slammed and a car sped off," I explain. 

"I know; she said the same thing. He shouldn't have done what he did. He knows how what he did makes her feel and that she can't deal with that shit." 

"I know and understand why. She explained that over two decades ago. I guess I've become her safe haven and escape from it over the years." 

"You have and I have to thank you for doing this for her, she's always turned to you for solace. I can't even begin to explain the appreciation and how grateful we are when you do this for her, even though you get her trashed and end up being her toy, play mate, or whatever she calls you while she's single." 

I laugh with him about it because it's the truth and remember that I've told him what happens every time, but he isn't blind as to why I let it happen only when she's not taken. "True, but when we do what we do, I only do that with her. I'm glad I'm not friend zoned so bad that I don't have the privileges that I do." 

"If she's not happy in three weeks, I'm coming for you."  

My jaw drops and I pull the phone away from my ear to check if he did what I think he did, shocked he made a promise like that before hanging up on me. Before you even begin thinking that he threatened me, understand that what he said is a promise in the Kirkpatrick family and I'm more shocked that he gave me that long to make her happy again.  

Next thing I know, she's walking back downstairs. "What's a matter?" she asks, helping herself to more Chinese. 

"Surprised your cousin said what he did." 

"Quit gawking at it like he said he'd suck your dick." 

"It's not even funny to say that." 

"It is for me." 

My phone rings again when it comes within an inch of the coffee table. Why would he be... Shit, I forgot that we had plans to go clubbing. "Hey, 'Lyn, looks like you don't have a choice about going out," I claim, showing her the info on my screen. She groans and gets ready. I pick up and smirk. "Hey, Bones. We have our spitfire coming out with us." 

"Bonus fun and extra trouble. Hour?" 

"Catch you there." 

I knock on her bedroom door. "Que pasa?" 

I walk in and sit on the recliner, lacing my fingers together. "How are you and AJ nowadays?" 

"We get along, but not the best of friends." 

Life behind the red rope sucks. The bass of the club music bounces my organs and I was dying to get in there. Not only to take care of what I needed to, but also to party a little. The red rope finally went up and I stepped through the door into the strobe lights and smoky haze. The bar glowed a neon blue and I slid up to it, spotting my best friend Deleon in his brightly colored Rasta hat. 

"Crayola!" I holler in my best Jamaican accent. He turns to me and smiles. 

"Jafakin!" he called back. He finished pouring the customer their drink and came over to me, wiping down the bar to appear busy.  

"How are ya, my brotha?" he asked, leaning across the bar briefly to hug me. "My motha has been askin' about ya. Ya didn't visit her like ya promised." He jokingly wagged a finger at me. 

"Work got in my way," I defended. "But I need a quick favor." He leaned on his hands and waited for me to explain. I took the little plastic baggie from my pocket and slid it across the bar to him. 

"Cass is in here tonight. She forgot to take her vitamins and she needs to. When she gets a drink just crush these up and stir 'em in. But don't tell her or anyone with her. She hates these things." I flashed him the most honest smile I could manage and he took the bag without a question.  

"You got it, brotha," he said. 

"Alright thank you, man." I leaned across the bar to give him daps then made him get me a beer, for which I tipped generously. I found an empty arm chair and sat back, scanning the crowd for Cass. I spotted her a moment later, chatting with Deleon while he had his back turned, making her drink. From my angle, I watched him crush up the molly with the mint for her usual mojito dump it in. I smirked into my beer. Hehe, "vitamins". Yeah right. 

She comes back with her third mojito, smirking and sits down. I watch her take a sip, her nose scrunching up. "It tastes different than I remember," she announces, pushing it toward me. 

I take a sip and taste nothing, passing it to Erik. He turns the glass and follows her silent instructions. She eyes me, my shoulders rise and fall to show my disagreement. Erik scoffs at it. "Yeah, it's weak compared to how I make them." He hands it back and she continues to drink it, dragging Erik and I to the floor to grind on her about half an hour later. 

I notice a tall white guy slipping on a cap that resembles one that Nick had specially made ten years ago on his way out the door. I chalk it up to the alcohol playing with my mind, continuing to dance with Cassie. Ten minutes in, when me and Erik were begging for break, she was still going. Erik took one look in her eyes, and pulled her from the dance floor by her wrist. I followed. 

"What the hell did you take?" he hissed in the quiet of the hall where the bathrooms are.  

"What are you talking about?" she asked.  

"'Lyn, your pupils are as big as quarters!" Erik yelled. He pointed to the mirror on the wall behind her and she turned to look, leaning in close. 

"Oh, my God, you're right!" she gasped. "Erik, I didn't take anything, I swear. Someone had to have slipped it in my drink when I wasn't looking!" 

"But what would they have slipped you?" he pressed. 

"From the size of my pupils and the feeling I have going, I am rolling pretty hard. Someone slipped me molly." 

I look in the direction I thought it could be Nick and decide to tell them after I get answers for what I have swirling through my mind. "Who would do that?" 

"Maybe JC finally grew a set?" Erik suggests. 

"Nah," she and I both disagree. 

"The one who swore he'd have me back, possible," she comes up with, still thinking. "Then there's Tara, Bobbi, Amanda, Jazzy..." 

"JC's sister?" I question. "She's in Europe on tour with P!nk, dancing back up." 

"But I know for sure he would do some shit like this," she argues. 

"Yeah, he has done some dirty, shady shit like that when it comes to you and only you," I agree with her. 

"But we should get her back to one of our houses so she can sober up. Where's her over shirt or a sweater to cover her head? We have to hope we can get away from the paps before they get a photo of her like this or us helping her. We all know they'll be the first to twist the situation," Erik thinks out loud. 

"I have all the shit needed to help her sober quicker at my place," I comment. 

She puts a hand on my pecs and I look at her hand, following it to her face and notice she did the same to Erik. "Plan is Erik takes me to his house and you stop at yours, grab the shit and meet us there." 

"First I have to talk to the bartender," I inform them as she covers her face with her shirt that she had been wearing over her tank top. 

They leave and I walk up to the bartender. "Hey, Crayola." 

"Hey, mon! Long time, no see," he greets me, clapping his hand to mine and shaking it. 

"You got an idea of what got put in Cassie's drink? It was a mint mojito, the third one she came and got." 

He shakes his head. "Nah, bruh." He darts off into the back and I bolt to my house. 

I get a text from Nick just before I start my Durango. How's Cass? That shitbag!  

I pick Persephone up at her house, climbing out of the beat up Ford Focus and knock on her door. She looks beautiful with her hair down, cascading tendrils of loose banana curls flowing down behind her shoulders and one curl covers her left eye. She gives me a shy smile, soft on her lips and drops her hazel eyes to the ground out of being shyness. "Hello, my beautiful new friend. Are you ready to go eat at the place you chose and get know each other better?" I ask, a teasing smile on my face as I brush my finger tips on the side of her hand and she takes mine. She bites her lip, nervous and shy. 

"I guess."  

"Your chariot awaits," I joke, attempting to break the ice and get her to crack a genuine smile like before.  

She giggles, hiding her smile behind her hands. I push them away from her face very slowly, being gentle and cautious about it so I don't scare her. "It's like you know," she comments, her face filled with shock and very surprised. 

"It's how I am when I want to know a woman better." 

"Who taught you that?" 

"My brother's ex, some friends and her cousin," I reply, meaning 'Drya and Chris. 

"They taught you well and I need to admit it just intrigues me," she tells me, holding my hand as we walk to the car. I hold the door for her, softly closing it once she's settled in the passenger seat and race to the driver's side so we can be somewhat alone while we get to know a little bit better. 

We're heading into the restaurant she picked and it looks small from the outside, but it's a good size inside. It may not be as big as any place any of us have, but it is spacious enough to seat around a hundred to a hundred fifty people in the dining area with room for the kitchen area. It has wrap around booths, circular tables, and the lights are dimmed down with just enough light to see. Intimate, romantic and the perfect place to go if you want to get to know someone and go on dates. 

We settle into the booth and she scoots in closer to me, probably to make sure I can hear her correctly. "What would you like to know?" 

I look at her with surprise written all over my face. "Open book?" 

"Except for precise details on why I left the Bronx, yes." 

I'm not going to go into details that she told me, but I will let you pick up the conversation at the moment we're at here. "Romani gypsy? What's that like?" I question, my interest piqued. 

She shrugs, her head rocking from side to side. "I don't remember anything other than why we moved to the Bronx." 

"Why? How old were you? Why did you have to leave the Romani?" 

"My grandfather got too close to non-Romani when I was about seven and we had been exiled, I just remember that we had to leave." I wanted more details but I wasn't going to push. She would tell me when she was ready.  

"You must have some amazing stories," I said, sipping at my wine. All through the time it took us to eat our appetizer and entree she told me an old gypsy folklore of upirs, vampire in Romani, and vargulfs, crazed werewolves. The story kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time, my attention focused on her and what she was animatedly talking about. I find her expressions and excitement about it beautiful and wondrous, entertaining the entire time. She finishes just as our dessert comes. The strawberry drizzle running down the sides of my cheesecake suddenly remind me of blood.  

"I have about a thousand more," she said, taking a tentative bite from her banana split. The whipped cream sticks to her top lip and I have an urge to kiss it away. "Those are the stories my family told as bedtime stories."   

"They never scared you?" I ask, shocked because things like that when I was kid would scare me out of sleep for days at least. 

She quietly laughs, shaking her head. "No, they were like the story of the Arabian princess and the street kid," she explains, meaning Aladdin.  

"That was my favorite," I agreed. She smiled. "So I have to ask.." I added. 

"Oh boy," she said around a mouthful of banana, covering her mouth with her free hand. 

"Is this the best date you've ever been on?" Her eyes got big. 

"Ummm." She stammered over her answer for a moment, toying with the ends of her hair and blushing. 

"No way," I tease, squishing up my face and shaking my head with a huge grin on it. 

He's standing in front of me. He looks so angry....hurt...betrayed. He isn't saying anything. I'm crying, saying over and over "I'm so sorry". I keep begging him to forgive me. In my arms, the child I'm holding fusses and I look down at it. It's our child. I feel it in my heart. With that realization, a new sadness falls over me.  

She is so beautiful. Dark black hair and eyes a pale green-brown, just like him. I hush her and look back at him. He is holding his arms out, still not saying a word. I clutch her closer, unwilling to let go. But an invisible hand pulls at my arms, guiding them to his open hands. I begin to sob as he takes her from me. 

"She's mine," is all he says. And like that he's gone, walking out the door with her.. 

I jerk awake, my breathing heavy and a cold sweat dotting my brow. Harry stirs next to me but doesn't wake. Through the baby monitor on the table, Jackson begins to fuss. I push a hand through my hair and sigh, kicking the covers off me. The dream plays like loop in my head, wondering what the fuck it could possibly mean. I change and feed Jackson, putting him back down to sleep. I watch him zonk out, deciding to write about it and I find myself writing a letter I never thought I would to someone I didn't think of until that dream. 

Aaron... I write, wondering what I'm supposed to say to the man who's heart I stomped on and sent to the whacky shack. I do feel bad enough, but I know what I write has to be carefully thought out before it's written. 

I honestly never intended to hurt you like I have and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am truly sorry for it all. I'm sure you've heard about my son and he is adorable.  

I'm not writing you about that, though. I'm writing to try to make amends, even if it's only professionally. You haven't crossed my mind until tonight when I had a dream of you taking a little baby girl who resembles us both and leaving. You looked hurt, betrayed and angry (I would say fuming is more accurate). You said that she is your daughter and walk out the door with the beautiful baby with you. She had black hair, beautiful hazel eyes. I'm begging for you to forgive me, not wanting you to take her and leave as I hold her closer to me. You take her and leave, shutting the door behind you anyway. I stop writing, tears dripping from my eyes and onto the paper. He's gonna see this and probably toss it aside once he reads my name on the envelope. I sigh, knowing his possible reaction. I could put a fake name on it. But then would he throw it away thinking it was some crazy stalker fan? The study door opens and I stuff the letter under some blank papers. "What's got you awake at this bloody hour?" Louis questions me, rubbing his eyes. 

"A weird dream and then Jackson, but mainly the dream." 

"Do I wanta know what it was about?" he asks, about sounding like aboot. 

"Only if you don't tell anyone," I demand. He holds up his two front fingers. 

"Scout's honor," he swears. I recount my dream to him and he had to sit in the extra chair beside me, my head down the entire time. "Blimey... That's a dream that would make me feel the way you do," he replies a few seconds later, needing time to absorb it. I nod, unable to find my voice through the tears. "I have one question, love." I look at him, motioning for him to ask away. "Who's the guy in your dream?"  

I did withhold that teensy little detail, the identity of the man. Shock written all over my face, the inquiry having caught me off guard. I bite my lips, alternating between them both and fight an internal battle with myself over whether I should tell him just because I'm unsure if he'd tell anyone; Harry being the main concern. What would Harry say if he found out?  

"Deven?" he pressed, bringing my attention back to him.  

"You swear on everything that means anything to you?" I emphasize. He gives me the scout's honor again and I confess the man's identity.  

He scratches his head near his temple. "Uhhhh... That's a bit much to deal with on top of your upcoming tour, album, Jackson, Harry, the group and everything else." 

I raise a finger, wincing as if admitting it hurts. "The label cancelled my tour." His eyes go big. "They don't want me to have to leave Jackson already," I explain. "Especially with you guys starting to blow up. I just refuse to allow my son to be raised by an endless slew of nannies." He nodded in understanding. 

"When did you find out? Is the album still coming out? When are you telling Harry? For how long?" 

"Last night after you and Harry decided to go to bed. They're still releasing my album. I'm planning on telling him today. As for when and if my tour is ever going to happen, I have no honest idea," I ramble, choking back sobs. 

He hands me a tissue. "It's quite a bit to deal with," he agrees. 

"Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I had done things differently than I have," I confess. I've been asking myself that for months now; since I broke Aaron's heart and drove him out of his mind. "Don't get me wrong I love Harry. And I'm not going anywhere until he tells me to. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like a douche for what I did to Aaron."  

His eyes widen, nearly the sizes of dinner plates. "Do you feel something for Aaron? Other than a regret?" I freeze, slowly looking at him and by his expression, I told him everything he needed to know with my reaction. "You need to tell them, Harry more than Aaron and be honest with all of you who are involved in the triangle." I just realized that Louis talks with his hands just like most Americans do. 

"I love Aaron," I say slowly. "But it's not the same love I feel for Harry. He was a very good friend," I try to begin to explain, Louis interrupting me. 

"No, that's a lie." 

"It's not though!" I insist. "Harry and Jack are my everything! And any feelings I may still have for Aaron are only because I feel awful about what I did and because I want to make things right with one of my best friends!" 

"But, if he were your 'best friend' like you say, you wouldn't have hurt him in the first place, Deven," he points out.  

"I never planned in falling so hard for Harry," I whisper, hanging my head in shame. He shakes his head. "I didn't want to hurt him. It was never my plan. Before I met Harry I could've married Aaron if he had asked." Louis didn't say anything.  

He just stood and went to the door, stopping long enough to say: "You better figure it out soon, Deven. Because I won't let you do to my best friend what you did to Aaron." With that, he left. That had hurt; a lot, more than I thought it could. 

I have a genuine dilemma on my hands. The dream weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart. He is right about Harry deserving to know, about Aaron and about how much it would hurt him if I didn't tell Harry myself and Louis does. I want to tell him, but I don't want him to know at same exact time. I tear the letter to shreds and drop it in the bottom of the wastebasket. If I was going to say anything to anyone I was going to say it in person.  

"All I'm saying, love," I babbled as the elevator door shut. "Is that you can't be this upset over it. Jackson is three months old. He is going to grab at things. And if it happens to be the waitress's breasts then it's not our fault. She shouldn't have leaned over him."  

Her silence spoke volumes of her anger. I tickled Jackson's foot and the child giggled happily, reaching for me. Deven handed him off without a word. She picked the shopping bags off the floor as the elevator opened and stormed toward the flat. She raised an eyebrow at me when she found the door unlocked. I shrugged. 

"I was pretty sure I locked it," she said, pushing it open. She jumped ten feet in the air with a shriek when Niall walked out of the kitchen, his mouth and hand full of cheetos.  

"Jeez, Niall!" I yelled. "We gave you that key for emergencies!" 

"It was an emergency!" he yelled back around a mouthful. "I almost starved!" 

"Maybe because your parents told you to leave? Maybe for eating every half hour? Seriously, Niall!" 

Jackson reaches for him and he shoves the last few pieces in his mouth, wiping his dirty hand on the front of his shirt before taking the infant. Deven throws her hands up in exasperation and takes the bags to the room, shaking her head the whole way. "I think mum and da are going to have a loud talk," Niall comments to the baby. 

"Oh, shut up, Niall," I say angrily, following my girlfriend to talk to her. Closing the door behind me softly, I face her and see she's packing a bag of her things. Just hers, none of it being mine nor Jackson's. "Deven, what's happening?" 

She glares at me, her stare breaking only to zip the suitcase. "Everything is in the note in the bathroom. I'll call when I get to where I'm going and every day. I'll be back in a few days." 

She hurriedly descends the steps, exiting the place we call home. "Deven!" I call after her, the only response being a slamming door. 

"What happened, mate?" Niall inquires. 

"She left!" I scream my reply, motioning toward the door from three stairs up. 

Jackson begins to pout, Niall lifts him and goes into the fridge and warms a bottle for the child, for my son. "I got it, go get her or call her or something, mate," he tells me, waving me off.  

I call her friends out here, our friends, and get no clue as to where she could've gone. I think and remember her friends in LA, dialing two only to get the same results. I call, leaving concerned message after message on her voice mail and multiple texts, begging her to come back home, to no avail. I call Cassandrya and she actually picks up! "Cassandrya Kirkpatrick," she says. 

"Do you know where Deven could be going?" I frantically demand, pulling at my hair. 

"Whoa! Wait a minute. You need to back up to what makes you ask me that." 

"She packed a bag just for her bloody self and left, no explanation at all," I ramble. 

"I haven't heard from her since Jackson, not counting when I told her about the label's decision." 

"So you don't have any idea where she could be?" 

"Not even one," she insists. I hang up and remember the note she said she had left. I go to the bathroom and find it sitting on the back of the toliet.  

Harry, it reads, Please don't be upset with me. But I'm going to LA to make things right with Aaron. NOT in the way I know you're thinking! But I have to make amends for what I did. I love you so much and I promise I will be back in no more than two weeks. Jackson's usual schedule is on the fridge under the teddy bear magnet and I am going to call the second I land and everyday.  

I love you. 

Deven 

I let the note fall to the floor. Before I even realize what I'm doing, I am putting my fist through the wall. Plaster and drywall fall and my hand connects with the stud inside. I feel bones crack and I scream in pain. 

Louis runs in, my fist held near my chest to minimize the pain and takes a single look at me. "Let's get your bloody stupid self to the hospital," he says, Jackson making it sound different because of his hand grabbing his lip. "Your da is such a dim bloke sometimes." 

"Don't tell Jack that," I bark, following him. 

"Niall said Deven took off." 

"Yeah, to make amends with her ex." 

I hiss when I put my hand down, pulling it back up and holding it by the middle of my forearm to my chest. He stops buckling my son into his car seat for a few moments, resuming his actions without a word. "She told you about the dream?" 

I furrow my brows. "What dream?" 

"Blimey," he grumbles, shaking his head. 

"What?" 

"First time she rings you, ask her about the dream that made her go do this." 

"No, you tell me now."  

He scoops up the child seat, diaper bag and the keys, ushering me in the car. On the ride to the hospital he tells me about the conversation he and Deven had the night before. I was in tears before he was even done. 

"She'll be back, mate," he said as we got Jackson from the car. I wiped my eyes and held the baby in my good arm.  

"I hope you're right, Louis." 

"Why wouldn't she came back?"  

By now, my heart has dropped and I don't feel good about it and I have a bad feeling about her going to make it right between her and Aaron. Something just feels off, like it's not right and it may all go wrong if she's alone while she does this.  

I'm sitting in my living room, my phone turned off while I finish my I don't know what number bottle of Jack Daniels and smoke from the bowl I got from a smoke shop on the way back from Erik's house after catching the two of them doing what they were doing. Even thinking about it makes me even more pissed off, making me want to go to his house to do something so stupid that she would hate me for all eternity. I won't do it; I'd rather drink and smoke myself into such a stupor that I forget everything. I loved her and she basically just did what Eva Longoria did, both happening within five years of each experience. I give up on love and looking for the right one, if I'm supposed to be in a happy and loving relationship-she can find me! No more looking, no more waiting, no more caring. That stopped when I saw her fucking him. 

A knock sounds at the door. Who in their right fucking mind would possibly even consider coming here? I slowly get to my feet, bottle in my hand to answer the door. I open the cover to my front door security monitor, staring at the screen for a few moments before opening the door and get pissed all over again. I fling open the door and before they could say even hi, I'm verbally tearing them into shreds.  

"What in the fuck gives you the right to bitch at me for any damn reason?"  

"She's your manager, she's not here, and she left me!" I scream at her, instantly feeling sober. 

"Feel better, jackass?" she asks, folding her arms. The glare from her eyes says not to piss her off. 

"No," I bark, walking back to the couch, "but you can come in." 

She follows me and I take a toke off my bowl. "You're drunk off your ass and high as fuck, but can still manage to be a douchebag. How in hell is that even possible, JC?" 

"What do you even want, Deven?" I snap. 

"I was hoping you could get Aaron to come here alone or help me get in touch with his brother or someone who could get him to show up somewhere alone." 

"Why does it matter if he happens to be alone or not?"  

"I have to talk to him and what I have to tell him are not things I want to say in front of a bunch of people or anyone he may be with." 

He quickly scribbles something down on a piece of paper, handing it to me folded a time or two. "That's Nick's number. You call him and once you figure out how it's going to happen, you need to leave." 

I shoo her away, not wanting to chance looking at her after the scoffing sound she made. I hear her phone beep out that number as she walks away. "-you, Nick. I have to get this over and done with. I will feel so much better after it. Half hour? Uhm, sooner would be better because JC is in douchebag major mode and I would prefer to talk to your brother in a semi good mood. I can't begin to say how much I appreciate you doing this. See you soon." 

"How long before you leave?" I bark at her again, aware it isn't her fault and not caring. 

"Five minutes," she snaps back, her phone rapidly dinging like she's texting someone. 

"If you're texting someone to deal with me, I turned off my cell phone and unplugged the house one." 

"I know that." I look at her. "I called them both." 

"Get out." 

"You're such a fucking ray of sunshine, I feel like waiting outside for Nick." 

"Get the fuck out of my house cuz I bet it's how you felt from the moment I opened the damn door," I retort. 

"Sounds about right," she grumbles to herself, slamming the door behind herself. 

"It's how I felt, bitch." 

It's been a few hours since Deven left and there's another knock at my damn door. "Who in the fuck is it now?" I mutter to myself, deciding on not moving from my spot on the couch. "Go the fuck away!" 

"No, I have a key and know all your fucking codes, man. I'm not leaving until we talk," Justin tells me through the door. 

"Leave me alone!" 

"Hell no! That's not what friends do!" 

"Just fuck off!" 

A key turns in the tumbler, my security alarm system being turned off seconds later. "I told you I refuse to walk away, knowing you need the help or just a friend to be there after all this," he tells me, sitting in the armchair Kenisha had been in the day Jaylyn left me. He audibly gasps. "This is worse than after Eva!" 

"Go fuck yourself cuz you have no right to talk after the Britney shit!" 

He gets to his feet faster than I've ever seen him move. "That was a low fucking blow and you know it! She wasn't kidding about you being a straight up douchebag." 

"What?!" 

"You heard me and we aren't talking about me and how miserable I was. You need to talk to a friend, a family member or a fucking therapist or someone! Let it the fuck out! Scream! Yell! Holler! Write! Sing!" 

I hold up my bowl and my bottle. "I am doing something about it." 

He slaps them out of my hands and the bowl smashes. "It's not what I fucking meant! You know what I meant, asshole!" 

"That still had weed in it!" I scream, pointing at the shattered bowl and madder than the hatter from Alice in Wonderland. 

"You act like it can't be fucking replaced!" 

I sit back like a defiant punished child would while they're being scolded. "Leave." 

"No, not until we talk and you break, you need someone to do this and I'm the one who can get through to you!" he screams in my face. "I don't want to be the one that calls your baby sister!" I scoff, fronting like I'm not even a little afraid of her when she scares the shit out of me and he knows that. I am fully aware that he made a promise and no, it's not an empty threat. 

He laughs with one hand on his hip while the other holds his head, frustrated with me. "I'll be fine. Go away." 

"I leave and I call her. She's down the road at Chris' house and I know she can be here in a minute flat, madder than you are right now!" 

"Go for it," I challenge him. 

He fires off a text, sitting back in the chair he was in minutes earlier. Less than a minute later, she flies through my door and punches me in my face. "Pull your fucking head out of your holier than thou ass and face it; you fucked up!" 

"How did I fuck up, Oshannie?" 

"Not talking to her, picking stupid fights over nothing, being an asshole when she said she wanted to be a mom one day, by being a self-centered and selfish douchebag  and not even bothering to consider what she wants or how she feels!" 

"She didn't even know about you until after we recorded NSA, near the end of that tour!" 

"If you're trying to hurt me, fuck off! Just for that, I'm not going to try to help you! I was thinking about telling you where she is right now, but you just fucked that all up!" She punches me in the face again, hard. Justin heard the sound before looking up at us. 

"What the fuck, Sam!" I scream back at her, holding the right side of my face with one hand. I scramble to my feet, standing toe to toe and nose to nose with her. 

She folds her arms, unphased. The look on her face and in her eyes challenges me to hit her so she can call our parents and siblings, egging me to get my ass kicked and a new asshole reamed. And that isn't considering the immediate backlash with Nick, AJ, Chris, Justin, Howie, Kevin, Joey and Lance being in town. I would never hear the end of it. I storm off into the kitchen, tending to my sore face. This isn't the first time we've gone through this. "Every damn time you go through a break up with someone, you turn into a huge douchebag to everyone around you!"  

"Fuck off, Samantha Marilyn!".              

"We both know how close you're getting to her last nerve," Justin reminds me, attempting to warn me before my sister snaps on me entirely. I grip the edge of the counter in front of me, ignoring the pain in my face and ready to explode because they're ganging up on me. 

I hear her bracelets jingle and I know she motioned to something. "He knows how I am and I haven't been with him in years!" 

"She always has been there to help you dig yourself out of anything that might cause problems," he defends, making me feel bad. "On top of that, she's done it for all of us around her." 

"You really want to know why I'm so fucking hurt and trying to self-destruct?" I snap, my sister rotating her hand and Justin looking at me curiously as they wait for me to continue. "I wanted and loved her for thirteen fucking years! I get her and within six months, she leaves me! I caught her fucking Erik Von Detten the same damn day she leaves! I had to play detective to even find out where the hell she went! I'm emotionally fucked! I want to be alone! I thought you not being able to call, text and email me would explain that! Of course not! Deven texts Justin and it's like you think I need a fucking intervention! I want to be alone!" 

I punch the counter, hurting my hand and ignore the pain. "I would rather you lock yourself away in the studio, writing, singing, composing and recording than this!" Justin screams, motioning to the bottle and bowl as I turn around.  

Oshannie quickly marches up to me, wrapping her arms around me and hiding her face against my chest. I can tell she's scared, that she wants me to deal with this differently. "Please stop hurting all of us. Please, do anything but this to us all. I love you, Oshai. Don't do this. I need my big brother. I'm returning the favor for all the times you've been there for me and you know I would drop everything to help you. I need both of my brothers. I need you there to tell me when I'm being stupid. I need you around. I need my family, all of them," she pleads, crying and begging for me to do the right thing.  

I hug her small frame to my own and break down emotionally. How can she know me so well? How she can make me break like this, I wish I knew.  

I run to Target for something and as I search the shelves for what I've been questioning myself on, the item able to give me the answer I need before I make any decisions. I back up into a strong built body, a familiar chuckle greeting me. "How you been, 'Drya?" 

I take a deep breath and turn around, hugging the one person I hated for so long. "I'm good, but too much is going on," I tell him, glancing at the shelves I had been looking at. 

He follows my eyes, smirking. "Oh, another of those situations?" 

I groan, knowing he knows me far too well. "Yeah, and I need to hide from a couple people I have to avoid." 

"Come stay with me. Grab that, pay for it and let's go hide out. We can even hide on the opposite coast, hell, you can join us on tour." 

I do as he suggests, following him back to his house and cry with my head on the steering wheel in the driveway. He opens the door, pulling me to his body and leads me as he sits on the hood, letting me cry on him. "Why do you care?" 

He kisses the top of my head and I tense up, not knowing what to expect. "I never stopped caring; I just took the time to figure out the right way to show it. Years later, I learned the right way. I fell down time and time again, between the drugs and bad choices, still pulled myself back up and chose not to give up. I know everyone around me needs me for some reason and that you all care, now I'm finally ready to return it. Especially when it comes to you."  

I shakily inhale, sniffling. "I might be..." Why can't I say that word? Pregnant. 

I feel him hug me tighter. "Pregnant?" I nod, confirming his suspicion. "I'm going to be here for you and anything that might come along." 

"How do you just accept me, Alex?" 

"I always have, it just came so easy to me when it involves you." 

"You have to be joking," I fire back, wiping my face and stepping back. 

"Not as teenagers. I was downright stupid as guys come then and thought with my dick." I look at him confuzzled, my head tilted to the right. "Yes, I said that and I'll admit that I was dumb enough to let myself fuck up the best thing I had going other than the group." 

"Then the drugs." 

"That was to hide the emotional suffering." 

"Then Kenisha." 

"Trying to get close to you." 

"Ginna?" 

"Closer to you." 

"Telling Nick he's retarded?" 

"Just that he's a stupid fucker for doing the same thing I did with a slut nugget who thinks she's worth it because she has access to every drug under the sun." 

"What about the whole scare with him before?" 

"I told him to 'glove it before loving it', but he didn't listen." AJ shrugs, having no defense for Nick about it. 

I reach up to take his shades off with one hand on his chest still, my left hand stopping just before. "Can I?" 

"Yes, 'Drya." 

I take them off and see his beautiful brown eyes looking into my honey orbs. "Why hide such beautiful eyes behind sunglasses?" I demand, squinting my eyes. 

"To hide the injury, then the drugs, then my emotions." 

I giggle. He smiles at that. "How long did you hide from Denise?" 

"Two and a half weeks. I kept telling her that Howie or someone needed my help for one thing or another." 

"How do you feel about me?" 

"I genuinely care. I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you. I enjoy your company. I'm comfortable around you. I know you know I know you." 

I laugh. "I saw you see me see you!"  

He laughs a little, pulling me close. "Can we go inside? It's getting hot as hell out here." 

"Only if you agree that any place we happen to be alone has the same rules as Vegas," I barter, our eyes locked. 

He marks an X over my heart. "Promise, even if we try at it again." 

"Even just cuddling?" 

"What cuddling?" he replies, feigning stupidity. 

I smile, cheesing big time. "Exactly." 

"Oh, and no secrets." 

I link my pinky and middle fingers with his. "No secrets." 

"How late?" 

"Seven weeks." 

"You're never that late." 

I nod. "Tests?" 

He reaches in the car, leaning over the driver's side to grab the keys and Target bag. "First things first." He places the balled up bag in my hand, requesting that I find out. 

"Only if you're staying in the bathroom with me to find out." 

He softly nods, lacing our fingers together and kissing the back of my hand. "Only if you're sure you want me in there." 

"Positive." 

I just peed on the stick, placing it on the counter in a plastic baggie and I open the door. Alex walks in and leans on the wall facing it, setting a timer on his phone. I strut over and rest my head on his pecs, encircling his waist with my arms. He reciprocates the affectionate motion. "Could I ask who the dad is?" 

"Erik." 

"What? I thought you were with JC?" 

I sigh, but tell him anyway and hold nothing back. "And that's how it would be his and not JC's." 

"That's quite the conundrum you got yourself into." 

"Please don't tell a soul." 

He waves a hand between us. "Not a problem."  

His phone alarm tone goes off. "You check, I'm too chicken shit." 

He smiles and does as I request, leaving me to turn off the alarm. "Well, uh, that pickle you got into is going to last for 18 plus years." 

I take a deep breath. "Then so be it." 

"I'll help you out when you ask and however you need me to." 

I nod. Talk about difficult situations. "Thanks, Alexander." 

"Anywhere you want to go?" 

"Orlando." 

"Bev and the girls?" 

"Kinda." 

"Which one?" 

"Emily." 

"I'm sure Molly still hates my guts." 

"Actually, no; she wants Nick and JC on full body silver platters." 

His eyes widen, nearly comically. "I thought I hurt you, but they got me beat."  

"You better believe it," I confirm, nodding. 

"What are you going to do about this?" 

"See Emmy and hide away from nearly everyone." 

"Hide where?" 

"Maybe Jazz would know a good place to hide out?" She pulls her phone out and begins typing away at lightening speed. "Looks like we're going to hide out in Fitchburg, Massachusetts." 

He screws his face up in bewilderment. "You forget that we have an album being finalized right now and four months from release and six from a tour? We can hide out until it drops, but then you can hide behind us." 

"That means I'm gonna have this kid while on tour." I begin freaking out, hyperventilating and scared. 

He pulls me to him in a tight embrace, calming me instantly. "It's going to be fine." 

"What will Nick say? Howie? Kevin?" 

"I think we should tell them and Brian, but I'm going to let you make the final decision about it." 

"Stay with me when I do?" 

He hugs me tighter. "Anything you want me to do, I will if it isn't crazy." 

I nod. "We should get it out of the way and tell them tonight." 

"If that's what you want to do, okay."   

By the time I get to JC's, Deven is outside on the front stoop. No Harry and no baby. Only one bag. Something doesn't seem right. She wants to talk to my brother, to try to explain things to him. Doing that could fuck him out of the relationship he's working toward or send him back to the institution and he's been happy since finding this Persephone chick. 

Is Cassie there? I wonder how she was after I left the club, making Crayola drop crushed molly into her drink. I wonder how she's been, considering that it's been about two months since I've seen her.  

My cell phone rings as Deven tosses her bag into the backseat. Why would he be calling me? "Hey, Bones." 

"Meeting at my house around seven, no more than ten minutes." 

"When do you ever call a meeting?" 

  "Just show up, it's important and has to do with the tour." 

"All right, I'll be there. Make sure Jen is there." 

"She was the fist one to agree to it."  

"Fine, I'll be there," I tell him, hanging up the phone. 

She climbs in the passenger seat, buckling up instantly. "Hey, Nick." 

"What's up?" 

"I just have to handle this shit with Aaron."  

"Sooner rather than never?" I tease. 

"Yes, after the dream I had recently." 

"What dream?" I ask curiously. 

She launches into it, only sparing a single detail for the end. "-and that guy is your brother." 

"You want him to get you pregnant?" 

"Lord no! I want him to know exactly how I feel, from the beginning to now." 

I nod, my eyes on the road. "Have you heard from Cassie?" 

"Only if it's business related or checking on Jackson." 

"Where are your two little tag alongs?" 

"Back home. I have to do this without Harry with me." Her phone goes off and I see her fire off a text quickly. "I'm just going to say what I have to and head back home." 

"You sound like you're in a rush to do this and get back," I comment, knowing her as well as Cassie. 

"Where's your Klingon?" 

I sigh. "Not with me." 

"Why not?" 

"We broke up seven months ago." 

"Oh, I'm sorry." 

"Cassie introduced me to Lauren." 

"She does that. How has Aaron been?" 

"He might have a girlfriend soon," I inform her, glancing at her at a red light.  

A pang of guilt and hurt flash across her face, a smile quickly covering it up. "I'm happy for him." 

My phone rings, making noise that I assigned his contact information with. "Hey, you have someone to meet with and they're with me." 

"Who and how long?" he groggily demands, his voice heavy with sleep. 

"Someone that wants to talk to you and we will be there in fifteen to settle the situation." 

He grunts, this specific one meaning he wants to get it over with. He hangs up, signaling me that I should bring Deven over. "Well?" 

"He didn't say no." 

I race to his house and walk in, Deven right behind me. "Oh, fuck no!" 

"Just please hear me out and I will never bother you ever again!" she pleads him. 

"Five minutes, it's all the time you get. I have to get ready for my lunch date with Persephone." 

She quickly tells him how she feels and about the dream, silence from Aaron the entire time. "-which is why I had to come tell you in person. Nothing I wrote could explain it the way I just did and I'm sorry for causing you the pain I did." 

He rubs his thumb and first two fingers across his forehead, sighing. "I'm sure not gonna take you back, but apology accepted and that dream of yours is something Chris is going to need to pick apart. My guess is that in the back of your mind you wish things could've come out much differently and they still would have come out the same way, only difference could've been me taking my child and hurting you just like I had been hurt. I wanted us to work, but everything is against us. We are done and I hope you're happy, hopefully you can move on. We can go about our lives and stay away from each other, remaining happy in the lives we have. I genuinely like this girl and you seem to be happy and I hope for the best for us both." 

"Thanks for the closure."  

"Good-bye and stay away." She looks defeated and battle worn when we get in the car. Her head is down and she's breathing shakily. 

"You can crash at my place," I offer. 

"No, just drop me off at Chris' and I'll go home tomorrow." Her phone rings and she answers. "I'm flying back tomorrow. I just needed closure and I got what I was looking for. I love you and Jack, too. Night." 

I drop her off and head for AJ's, not wanting to be late. I knock and Cassie opens the door. "You're early." I shocked her, but I can't blame her when I've hardly ever been early since I was 17 unless someone was riding my ass about it.  

"What?!" Kevin shouts, irritated. 

"Did you not learn before?" Howie hollers, pointing at me behind himself. 

"Cass," Brian mutters, hanging his head. 

I can't hold it in any longer. "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I boisterously laugh, doubling over. 

I read the MySpace message from a dummy account, something striking a chord as odd. I quickly find her profile, messaging her and stop when I open the previous messages between Cassie and myself, one from a few months earlier saying she's fine and the next is from early this morning. Can you meet with me at HRC? 

What time? 

Nine tonight? 

Sure. 

I have something to tell you and it's important. 

I will hear you out. 

Please don't be mad for not telling you sooner. AJ is coming along. 

I pull up and spot his Durango, considering going back home and telling her I got sick. I swallow any nerves I may have and head in once my car is off, the keys are pocketed and it's locked up. I walk in and the hostess takes one look at me and quickly asks for my ID, which is strange, before leading me to the table she and AJ are seated at. I see them kiss and she giggles. "Switch hitting or what?" I joke, picking on her.  

"It's been six months," she defends. 

"So...?" 

"You're gonna wanna sit for what I need to tell you." She pats the seat a few inches away from her, the table covering her belly. 

I sit on the other side of her, leaving space between us to respect AJ. "What's this meeting about?" 

"You remember the day I left Josh?" 

I smirk, recalling that day clearly. "Yeah. Why is that day so important?" 

"The dates match with how far along I am." 

"You're telling me that you're pregnant?" I growl, anger making me see bright red. She slides from the booth and stands. Her stomach is outlined by the tight shirt and my heart jumps into my throat.  

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask through clenched teeth. "You just up and left without a fucking word, Cassandrya!" I slammed my hands on the table and put a fist to my mouth to regain my composure. She cradled her stomach and looked down in shame, sitting back down, but across from me this time.  

"I'm sorry, Erik," she whispers, staring down at her nails in a pathetic attempt to hide her tears from me. For a moment I didn't say anything, watching them drip from her cheeks and onto the table.  

"You should be," I finally replied, my jaw still tight. "I wanna know why." She began to cry harder. 

"I was scared," she confessed. "I was scared that you were going to walk away and I would be doing this by myself. I'm going to be straight up honest with you. My plan was to not even go through with it. But I got to the clinic and I couldn't even go in. I just sat in my car and bawled until I was two hours late for my appointment. I got myself together, turned around and drove back to AJ's." 

"AJ?" I asked, more shocked than anything else. She looked ashamed again and I knew what that meant. He was back to being her bedwarmer. The thought made a pang go off in my chest. I stood to go. 

"No please don't go," she pleaded. "I can't do this without you, Erik. Please." I looked down at her tear stained face and just shook my head. I turned on my heel and strode from the dinner without even a single glance back at her. 

I see 'Drya looking very much pregnant in the baby aisle with someone very familiar, his laugh confirming he's AJ. I walk up and she slowly turns, both of them smiling at me. "Deléon! How have you been in the past few months?" she excitedly greets me, extending her arms for a quick hug. 

I embrace her gently, being careful of her belly. "Good, but you look very much pregnant." 

"What's up, Crayola?" AJ greets me with a respectful handshake. 

"Not much. You got me numba cuz I gotta talk to you in private bout the night you two were at the club wit Erik round seven months ago," I tell them. 

"Lemme check my phone, double check if it's the right digits," she says, pulling up my contact info and handing me her phone.  

I quickly correct it and hand it back. "Now it's right." 

"Thanks, Del. I'll buzz you when we get back to the house and settle in." She gives me another affectionate squeeze from my side and AJ hugs me from the other side. 

"See you lata," I say, squeezing them back. 

Once I get home, I sit down and pull my old photos from under the coffee table in search of a specific set of em. I find the photos of Nick, AJ and I in her backyard in Orlando, realizing her cousin Chris in the background making funny faces and I smile. That was the day he dragged me from Tampa to Orlando, after they had come back from Sweden to meet her and my eldest brother having picked me up the night before for me to meet her after talkin bout her for years and hadn't met her until then. I flip the picture over and read the date in her beautiful script:June 29, 1995, smiling even bigger than before. 

I remember the phone call from Nick the day he came to Orlando after Sweden. "Crayola, you have to meet her, come on." 

"Maybe me brother will kidnap me." 

"Aw, man, she is beautiful." 

I look at Brent. "Who is this girl?" 

Brent's eyes bug out. "She's a knockout. She was with Bones, but he screwed up and she's with Nick. Long story. You know that picture he keeps in his desk in his room of the girl with honey eyes and long dark hair?" 

"Yeah." 

"That's her." 

"You talkin bout her, Nick?" 

"Yeah, man. You have to meet her." 

"I'll talk to me brother and be out there today." 

"Thanks. See you when you get there. We leave my house and will be at that address for a little while." 

I got there and sure enough, I see her almost look alike cousin, Molly. "You must be 'Drya." 

"Nope, I'm Molly." She quickly scribbles something down. "This is where she went with Nick and them, they just left." 

I climb into the car and give it to my brother. "I know right where it is. Trying to find Jafakin is just like finding a white Jamaican in our country," he comments, both of us laughing at his honest joke. 

We pull into a cul de sac and I hear Nick's laugh, following it to the back yard through an open gate. He's holding his hands in front of him, looking down at something. I walk closer and see a girl in his arms. "Jafakin!" 

He looks over his shoulder, smiling and approaches me with her hand in his, pretty much dragging her along. "Crayola, what's up? This is Cassandrya. Cassie, this is Deléon, but I call him Crayola," Jafakin introduced us. 

We had talked for a couple hours and then she begs Kevin to take a photo of the three of us, unbeknownst to us had been Chris with a funny look plastered on his face while we smiled nice with bunny ears by our heads and they gave me moose antlers. "I'll give you a copy when they're developed." 

That had been a day of laughs and a deep discussion or two, all of us being ourselves. Her family is completely nuts, but so much fun! It's usually a fun time with all her cousins and her around, even if it's just her. 

My phone rings just as I get to the end of the album with a picture of her with AJ and I months ago. It screams with her favorite song, making me answer sooner. "You all settled, woman?" 

"As settled as we can get, so feel free to swing by. I'm texting you the address now," she informs me, my phone beeps. 

I nod. "Headin out in five wit my photo albums for a trip down memory lane, woman." 

"Oooh, boy. Making me relive my braces again," she groans. 

"Yeah, woman, but only from after comin back from Sweden da first time up till the last time you were at me club." 

"Most of them are awesome," she comments and I can hear the genuine smile in her voice. 

"Maybe we can add more to it." 

"Maybe so." 

I peek at the address she sent me. "Be there in ten, lady." 

"See you then." 

She still hates talking on the phone since she finished school. She and Jafakin talked on the phone many times a day, each being about an hour on average. She has been the first to hang up since. 

I grab the albums and shove them into a bookbag, heading to see her. AJ and I had become friends, only talking when Nick got us together and respecting each other's privacy. The entire time she gave AJ his first chance, I had no clue who he was with or would take off to see when she would call where we would be. He always called her something in Spanish, talking to her in only that because it was what they would do. He'd hang up and say he had to go see her. It wasn't until after she had left for Julliard that he'd spend more time with his friends and he would get two calls a day, one in the morning and one after nine at night.  

Until now I refused to even be brought into these memoirs, having been there for Nick from our third grade year in the background and stayed outta sight and mind of the paparazzo. I didn't want the harassment of them or fans, but I do enjoy some of the perks of knowing all of them. I've been on tours, gone to award shows, had fun at photo shoots and made them laugh during interviews when they needed to be kinda serious. 

She's been there since before conception of the group Jafakin is in, just as much as her cousin's and being a support for both as well for Aaron. When they had success, she celebrated; but when they had something fall through or go wrong, she would lift their spirits by saying something good to encourage them to keep trying.  

She and I have always been there for the eleven of them, good or bad from early on and there had never been bad blood. She knows Jafakin lies and I just found out from AJ she had rolled face that night, Aaron confirming his brother had bragged about it to him just last week. I text her real quick at a red light, asking if AJ had brought it up in the past few days and she confirms it. 

As soon as I get there, I take a seat on the other side of the coffee table with my bag beside me. I see her charge; Deven is almost always wearing something cheetah print and I bust her balls every chance I get. "-said to stay away," she complains, her voice cracking. 

"How much of that print ya got? Got any zebra or leopard prints?" 

"Fuck off, Crayola," Deven fires back, her middle finger poking from her fist. 

"I'm good. Miss Kirky, I need to talk to you." 

"Deven, all I can say is that you should go home and focus on Jack and Harry. Just avoid him like the plague unless it's for professional reasons." 

She escorted Deven out to her car and comes back in, waddling the entire way. She sits next to AJ, cuddled to his side on the couch. "I found out last week that Jafakin had lied about the 'vitamins' he told me not to tell anyone about it had been Molly." 

"Molly? Oh, MDMA! That asshole." 

"He laughed like a crazed lunatic when we said she's pregnant about three and a half months earlier," AJ informs me. 

"Lemme guess, Howie and Kevin were upset and Brian was disappointed," I comment. 

"Yeah." 

She groans, looking exhausted. "Just wait till they hear about this." 

"Ready for a trip down memory lane?" I ask, placing the five albums on the table. 

"I have braces in some." 

AJ grins. "I remember those." 

"I had them forever," she exaggerates, slowly moving. 

"How much longer?" I ask. 

"Month and a half, Deléon." 

"Seven and a half already gone?" 

"Didn't know if I was until three and a half months ago when we told the rest of his group, but the dad knows and isn't talking to me right now, either." 

"Well, if it's JC's, it makes sense." 

"He doesn't even know I'm expecting," she explains, waving the thought off. She grabs her phone, quickly checking something and mutters a string of vulgarities. 

"What's wrong, baby?" AJ inquires, gently rubbing her side. 

"The due date also matches up with the last time JC and I-" 

"It's alright, DNA can be done." 

She sighs. "I guess." 

"How do you keep track?" I dare to ask, AJ giving me a look that says I don't want to know.  

She opens her phone, the calendar open already. I see J on some days, E on others, and A on the past year. "That's how." She wiggles her fingers for her phone and I place it in her hand.  

"J is JC, A is AJ and E is Erik?" 

"Exactly, Deléon. You always could decode that kinda thing nearly effortlessly from the jump." 

"Unless you wrote in Spanish, up until AJ and Howie taught me how to read, write and speak it. By then, you knew Op-Top and Jafakin was learning it already." 

I meet with Persephone, aware she's running late due to her boss asking her to stay a few minutes longer than her shift. It's been seven months of courting her and I'm asking her to be my girlfriend, but that's not until I take her to meet Nick, AJ and Cassie. They plan on meeting us at the beach later on, somewhere near six tonight. She steps out of her car and runs to me, throwing her arms around my neck. I held her for a moment before she let go and smiled at me. 
"And how are you, dear?" I asked, pushing the hair from her eyes. She shrugged. 
"Tired," she replied. "But excited about meeting your brother and friends. Gimme a few to go change and then we can go." 
I know, I know. Despite what you might be thinking, I spent the better part of half an hour sitting on her porch with my body pressed against the deep wall to keep hidden until she had texted me so that I knew she was leaving work and it takes five minutes to drive between the two places. I moved to the top stair so she could see me before even getting out of the car. "I can wait here for you." 
She shakes her head, pulling me to my feet and into her apartment. "Come wait inside. Sit in the living room or explore the place, but my room is off limits." 
I sit on the couch and she runs off to change. I slowly make my way around her place, checking out all her knick knacks and pictures. It's not much, but it all means something to her. I stop at her end table in the hallway and smile at her school picture collage she must have made for a school project. There are pictures of her growing up, and letters she's written. I see how her handwriting has changed and improved over the years from basic scribbles to beautifully scripted half cursive/half print, making it look almost like calligraphy. She’s spent years perfecting her style, making it all her own. Her handwriting is absolutely beautiful. I hear her walk into the hallway I’m in, her arms gently wrapping around my chest. “Could you do me a favor for the holidays and my birthday?”  

“What would that be?” she softly replies, my hands reaching up to take hold of hers as I turn to face her. 

I place a kiss on her lips just as gently as she had embraced me. “Write me letters.” 

She looks at me strangely, slowly pulling her head back a little. “Why?” she slowly questions. 

“I love your handwriting; it’s beautiful.” 

She smiles, the kind of smile that drives me crazy for her. “I can do that.”  

We sit on the beach sand, the water nearly touching our bare feet. “What’s up, short shit?” Nick questions, sitting beside me and resting his arms on his knees. His eyes are focused on the ocean. 

I glance around to see if everyone is here and they are, including an extremely pregnant Cassie. “Everybody meet Persephone. Persephone, these are the people closest to me. My brother, Nick. His friends and band mates: Brian, Kevin, AJ, and Howie. Cassie is with AJ; Leighanne is Brian’s wife and have a son named Baylee; Kevin is with Kristin; Howie is married to Leigh. Justin, Joey, James who we also call Lance, and Chris. Wait, where’s JC?” 

“Being a shut in,” Cassie and Justin answer unanimously. 

“This is JC’s sister, Jazzy. Her real name is Samantha.” 

“But I don’t usually answer to my real name unless it’s either professional, I’m in trouble, or it’s my parents,” she rattles off. 

“Or family,” Justin adds. 

“Or is in a relationship with that person and usually that lucky guy calls her Sam.” 

“Shut up, Nick.” 

“Which reminds me, A; Lauren had an audition and couldn’t make it. She said she will call you to set up a double date.” 

“Who’s Lauren?” 

“Did he send you into this blind?” 

“No, he tried to drill all the info about you all into my head, but I have a bad memory.” 

They all chuckle. “It happens, Sephie,” Chris concedes. 

“He likes you,” I whisper in her ear and she nods.  

“Why don’t us girls go for a walk to get to know each other and let the guys talk?” Jazz suggests. 

She looks at me. “It’s alright, honey.” 

A few minutes of silence after they left, Nick bumps my shoulder with his. “You really do like her. Where do you want it to go with her?” 

“I’m planning on asking her to be my girlfriend before we leave here,” I admit. 

“I guess you can say that we’re all hoping everything goes well and you stay happy,” Nick informs me as I look down the line and they all nod to confirm what he had said. 

“Thanks.” 

We talk about quite a few personal things in the half hour or so before the girls return, laughter coming from all of them. “That’s adorable,” Persephone comments to something one of the other girls had told her about. 

We all cuddle up to our other halves and watch the beginning of the sunset. “Persephone, can I ask you something?” 

“Sure, honey.” 

“Will you be my girlfriend?” 

Her head turns to look at me, ensuring that I’m not joking. A smile slowly creeps onto her visage. “Yes, Aaron.” 

We kiss as the sun sinks into the water, making a beautiful scene. “Keep each other happy and be brutally honest with each other,” AJ tells us. 

It’s been close to a year and a half since Jaylyn left, Aaron getting a girlfriend and losing her. I’ve been busy as a hummingbird with so many projects. I’m running errands downtown and I’ve bumped into this beautiful girl a few months earlier. She’s got three young children, has begun divorce proceedings, and Justin just gave me a challenge I had to take to prove him and the rest of my old group wrong. They bet I couldn’t go a week without talking to or being around her. The bet starts today and I’m spending the week at Justin’s. He took my cellphone, hid all the computers and tablets. He’s damn determined to make it nearly impossible to contact her. He locked my phone in his bedroom and left it plugged in, leaving the ringer on high. “Look, C, I know you’re absolutely crazy about her.” 

“There’s a but coming, I know it because I know you.” 

“But she has been at your side pretty much on a constant basis since you met, and if I remember this right, you told me that it doesn’t make for a healthy relationship because in order for it to be healthy, you need time and space from each other as well.” 

“I did say that when you were dating Britney, but you were also teenagers. Sam and I are adults.” 

“I’m using your advice against you.” 

“Justin, I know I haven’t known her that long, but I think I should let those walls down with her.” 

“How can you be sure she isn’t using you?” Justin points out. 

“She refuses to let me buy her anything and when I do get her something small, even if it’s just flowers, she feels guilty.” 

“She feels guilty?” 

“Yeah, she says she feels bad accepting it and thanks me for it.” 

“What about her kids?” 

“What about them?” 

“Have you met them?” 

“A couple times.” 

“For how long?” 
 

“A few minutes here and there.” 

“What are their names and ages?” 

“Mikal is 9, Aaliyah turns 7 next week, and in a couple months the youngest, Demitryus, will be 5.” 

“How many of each?” 

“Two boys and her little girl is a middle child.” 

 “Alright. When are their birthdays?” 

“Mikal is February 21, Aaliyah is July 9, and Demitryus is September 11.” 

“Favorite colors?” 

“Mikal’s is blue and green, Aaliyah is all girly colors, and Demitryus is red.” 

“Favorite shows or movies?” 

“Mikal’s are Mythbusters, Aaliyah is Monster High, Chubba is Power Rangers of any kind.” 

“Chubba?” 

“Demitryus.” 

“For not spending much time with them, you know an awful lot about them.” 

“She talks about them quite often.” 

He groans, his head dropping into his hands. My phone goes off and I instinctively check my pockets, recognizing the ringtone as the one she set for herself. “What are you looking for?” 

“My phone.” 

“I locked it in my room.” 

“Oh, yeah.” 

He sighs. “I knew you couldn’t do this on your own.” 

“She’s my weakness and my inspiration.” 

He half sighs and half growls at me, his eyes narrowing at me. He’s annoyed. “Then do something about that,” he concedes, pointing at the studio door. 

I go down into the studio and begin writing and recording. I can’t get her off my mind. I’m crazy about her. Justin comes down with his phone on speaker. “-can’t reach Josh and I’m getting worried.” 

He sucks in a breath as I do, covering my mouth so I don’t talk. “I’m sure he’s just in the studio and forgot his phone upstairs. You’ve heard or read stories about recording artists and calling the studio a dungeon,” Justin tells her. 

“He doesn’t ever ignore my phone calls or texts without responding some way. He’s even messaged me on Facebook! I’m honestly concerned. I just wanna know he’s okay! I don’t want anything bad to happen to him because he deserves everything good that happens in his life. I’ll just call or text him every day to let him that I hope he’s alright and that I care about him.” 

“Then go ahead and do that. I think he’d like to come out of his personal dungeon and see all those messages from you, making him happy with that dopey grin he gets when it comes to you.” 

I hear her sigh. I shove Justin’s hand off my mouth and motion that I will remain quiet. “If you see or get in touch with him, let him know that I hope he’s alright and safe. Please ask him to get in touch with me when he gets a chance.” 

“Of course I will, Sam. He told me that he cares about you, too. I’m sure he’s fine, though.” 

“I’ll feel better when I hear from him.” 

“I’m sure. By the way, how are the kids? I’m sure JC would like to know if I get in touch with him first.” 

She begins rambling about the kids’ recent achievements and I smile, beaming with pride about each of them. “-to hear from him soon. Thanks, Justin.” 

“You’re welcome. I’ll get in touch with you tomorrow, no matter what.” 

“Okay. Yeah, talk to you tomorrow. Please, just check on him tomorrow for me?” 

“I will. Good night, Sam.” 

“Yeah, night.” 

She sounded completely defeated; worried as well. “She sounded genuinely concerned.” 

“I told you she would.” 

I cross my arms, leaning back in my chair. “I kinda feel bad for having you do this now.” 

“We have been seeing each other for a few months now.” 

“Yeah, I know. Something like four months now.” 

“I don’t see why she’s into like she is and why you’re the same way with her.” 

I shrug. “There’s just something that brings us together.” 

“What the fuck does that mean?” he sneers. 

“She said something about astrology and Chinese zodiacs and elemental and natural attraction all drawing us to each other, something about how our energies feed into one another and replenish each other.” 

“Yeah, that can be dangerous. What will your sister and Cassie think of her?” 

Ch 21 

It’s been nearly a week since Oshai has been back at home and he outright demanded I come over to meet someone. Justin said a few weeks ago about my brother seeing this new chick, someone he’s head over heels with since Cassie and I think it might be a good thing. James and Chris have said she’s nice, but they did say she has kids. I didn’t think that he’d go for a woman with children, but he is with one. Oshai has had a happy tone in his voice since March and it’s now September 15, 2012. He said that I should expect a ton of people. They’re having a party for some reason. I pull up and see ten or fifteen cars in and around his front driveway, easily able to recognize who owns which one. All the guys are here. It could be a good thing and a bad thing, but I’m going to guess that it’s the previous. Oshai taps on my window and I climb out, embracing him cautiously. “What the hell is this?” 

“My girlfriend’s son’s birthday party. It’s not fancy or anything because she set it up without my help. It’s not extravagant, but it is nice.” 

“What is she like?” 

“Independent, stubborn, but she’s also very reserved around new people. Be nice. Please, please, please, just be nice?” 

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Just for the fact that it’s a kid’s party and that you begged me.” 

“Plus, everyone we know is here.” 

“Shit!” 

We walk through the side gate and I see this woman buzzing around, making sure that everyone is all set. Red-brown hair, still has some pregnancy weight, about five feet tall, and being as social as possible. “That woman darting around and making sure everyone is okay, that’s Sam.” 

“She has the same name as me?” 

“Yeah, that part was a fluke. But, she’s younger than you. She the two boys with mohawks?” 

“The blondies?” 

“Yeah, and the girl with pin straight blonde hair?” 

“Yeah?” 

He points her out, playing tag with Brihana, Baylee and the two boys he’d mentioned earlier. “They’re her kids. Mikal, Aaliyah, and Demitryus. It’s the smallest one’s birthday, Demitryus.” 

“Maybe she’s nice.” 

“She’s amazing.” 

“Bring me to her,” I command him. 

He walks me over, quickly hugging her and sharing a quick PG smooch. “Baby, you remember me telling you about my adopted sister, Sam AKA Jazzy?” 

“Yes. Hi. Could you be the best boyfriend and keep an eye on the kids for a few minutes? I would like to get to know her by myself.” 

“Of course.” 

Justin passes behind Oshai. “What Baby wants…” 

“I swear, if this wasn’t her son’s party, I would beat the fuck out of you.” 

She kicks Justin in the knee and he drops, her hand grabbing his hair and forcing him to look in her face. “Knock the fucking shit off; this is a kid’s party and I will wait till they are in bed before I beat your ass. Teigh trasna ort fein, asshole.” 

“I like her,” I whisper to my brother. 

“What did you say?” she politely asks, considering she just verbally tore Justin another asshole. 

“I told him that I like you; you don’t take Justin’s bullshit.” 

“Thank you, Jazz.” She shoves Justin away and looks at my brother. “Are you sure, Josh?” 

She doesn’t call him JC? Wonder why. “Yes, go talk to my sister alone.” 

“We’ll be in the studio.” 

“That’s fine, mami.” They share another short peck and off we go. 

“Studio, studio, studio,” she mutters to herself and I giggle. “Do you know where that is?” 

“Follow me.” I guide her down to it, lead her in and turn on the recording light. 

“Josh has told me so much about you and has shown me who knows how many pictures and videos of you.” 

“He’s told me quite a bit about you as well.” 

“Oh, no,” she teases, “more good than bad, I hope.” 

I know I just saw my childhood friend and JC’s girlfriend walk into the house. He’s watching her kids, but that’s rare because she usually doesn’t ask him to without double checking with him first. I approach him, apple juice in my clear plastic cup and stand beside him. “What’s up, Lance?” he calmly queries, his hands in his front pockets. 

“Where did the two of them go?” 

“It’s not proper to answer a question with another one.” 

“Then, I should rephrase it. Just curious about where the two girls went.” 

He chuckles. “Just to my studio to talk, get know each other without everyone else bugging them constantly.” 

“Haven’t they met yet?” 

“Today’s the first time. Oshannie has been busy and so hasn’t Sam.” 

“Jazz has been on tour after tour again and Sam has three kids, works full time and goes to school. It makes sense, I guess.”  

“Yeah, and then Sam has me to worry about.” 

“Only because you’re dating her.” 

“We have been seeing each other, but we wouldn’t say that we’re dating exactly. We haven’t been able to figure out what we are specifically,” he confesses. 

“How’s her wrist healing?” 

“Good. She has to have it checked on Tuesday, but it’s to make sure that it’s healing the right way.” 

Sam and Jazz are laughing when they come back out, bumping each other’s sides. They have bright red faces, bent over and look about ready to piss on themselves. Sam motions that she’s done with the conversation they’ve been having. They walk over to us and hug us, glance at each other and laugh again. JC and I look at each other, clearly confused. “Looks like they get along fine and that it shouldn’t be something to be concerned about anymore.” 

JC whacks my chest. “Shut up, asshole.” 

“There is no smacking of the James,” both girls order, glaring at him and I laugh. 

“Josh, you know what I said about violence around the kids.” 

“She told you,” I tease, smirking. 

“You know what I said about antagonizing in front of the kids, James.” 

Sam got us both and Jazz is laughing like a hyena. “Shut up, Jazz,” I bark at her. 

“You be nice, James.” 

I get yelled at twice and JC only hears a warning once? How in the hell is that fair in the slightest sense? “Bu-“ I begin to complain. 

“James Lance,” Sam warns, just like my mom would scold me. It’s creepy as fuck. 

I motion to her while JC and Jazz laugh like crazy. “You’re going to allow this to happen?” 

JC puts his hands up in a surrendering manner. “She’s my girlfriend, not my wife.” 

“I can’t wait for the day that happens,” I mutter. 

“I should be one of your bride’s maids!” Jazz exclaims happily, grabbing both of Sam’s hands. 

Sam smiles, nodding to confirm that she would. “No questions asked.” 

JC’s jaw drops, his hands motioning as if to silently ask what the fuck? “Who said I was getting married? We haven’t even decided on if we’re serious, if we will be, or when. I like you and I know that I do want to be with you, that I enjoy having you and the kids around, but-“ JC begins to rant. 

Jazz squints her eyes. “Oh, fucking shut up! You damn well know that neither of you will end up being apart, so of course, I damn well know that you’re gonna marry her and be happy and have a football team worth of kids with her because she told me how she feels and I heard from Justin about the whole four days you were pathetic when you went through with that dare. So, before you even try to deny it; I know you’ve talked to her about it and that she knows and for your information, she told me all about it. Don’t even pretend to act like she doesn’t know when she told me herself. If you think this woman isn’t smart, you need a lobotomy.” 

“I am well aware of her intelligence and how I feel, but I don’t know how she feels exactly. Yes, I told her, but it was the day she broke her wrist. She even went to the VMAs with it broken and with me. She’s related to Nick-.” 

“I know that, but it makes me wonder about his intelligence when she happens to be as smart as she is.” 

One thing I will admit when it comes to his sister is that she speaks her mind when she needs to, but otherwise will be very subtle with sly comments. She’s been like that since she moved to Orlando, but as a teenager she would be careful when she would say certain things. She’s about to choke him out and I opt to keep my mouth shut. There are times when it’s wiser to keep your mouth shut around Jazz and JC hasn’t fine-tuned that after fifteen years, and that’s about to be the downfall at his girlfriend’s youngest child’s birthday soiree. “I’ve been saying that since you first dated him!” 

“You and you, inside now. James, please watch the children while I deal with these two oversized children in the house,” she says, grabbing hold of JC and Jazz’s arms and heads into the house while dragging them along behind her right after I nod my agreement about keeping an eye on her kids. 

“James,” Aaliyah calls my name, “come play tag with us!” she shouts, batting her eyes just like her mom does when she wants JC to do something he really doesn’t want to. 

Of course I have to oblige, the eyes making anyone cave if they bat their eyes just right. “I’m coming, hon.” 

I can’t believe how much like my kids these two are and I wonder how much worse it gets when Tyler and Heather are around as well. “I swear you two are just as bad as my kids! Grow up and be the adults you should be. I swear that my kids, mind you who are all under the age of ten, are more mature than you two in front of other people. Joshua Scott, you are 38, and Samantha Marilyn-“ I begin scolding them. 

“You told her my middle name?!” Jazz shouts at her brother. 

“My middle name’s Marie, so now we’re even. Back to the matter at hand. Samantha Marilyn, you’re 30 years old, and need to grow up. You’re both horrible. You make my kids seem like perfect angels! What in the fuck is wrong with you? I understand that you’re siblings, but this is bullshit! I swear, I just, I don’t, aaaaahhhhhh!” I shout, turning on my heel and head for the yard to find most of the people have already started heading home. “James!” 

“What’s up, Sam?” he inquires, cautiously approaching me looking like a scolded child. 

“Round up the kids and please take us to my house,” I demand. 

“Why? What happened?” 

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath and curling my hands into fists at my sides. “Just now, please.” 

“Mik, Liyah, Demi, we have to go. Mommy is mad and needs space from Josh.” 

“What did he do?” Mikal asks. 

I watch my youngest walk into the house with his sister, hearing her laugh keys me in to what may have happened and they storm back out with his favorite pair of Converses. Aaliyah hucks them into the pool and looks like she’s on a mission. “We can go home when you’re ready, mom,” my daughter tells me. 

“Sam.” I flip him off and walk away from him, mad as hell. “Come talk to me.” 

“No, I’m going home cuz I’m mad and it’s better and safer if I do.” 

I walk through the gate and load my kids into James’ car, going home to prevent the imminent fight we would have if I stayed. We ride in silence and get out, Mikal letting the younger ones into the car. James follows me up to make sure we’re okay. “What happened?” 

I launch into the whole scene. “-and then I got so upset that I stuttered and stumbled over my own words, quickly storming out and leaving. Now, we’re home and I just need some time and space to calm down.” 

“Wow. I always knew they kind of get childish when they fight, but this is a whole new level of it, even for them. I can’t believe they got that bad.” 

“I know I love him, but, I’m not sure about how he feels.” 

I begin sobbing and James rubs my back, attempting to soothe my clearly frayed nerves. “Trust me, you’re on the same page with each other,” he hints, not giving me a straight answer. 

“I don’t get why he gets like this around his sister when I can get along just fine with her.” 

“I don’t know, but they’ve always kind of gotten on each other’s last nerves from day one.” 

"It just doesn't explain it; he's not this bad with anyone else." 

"She's been able to get under his skin, setting him off because she always irritates that one final nerve." 

I shake my head, unable to grasp the concept of how he reacts the way he does to Jazz and Jazz alone. "My little cousins, niece, nephew, and my own kids have gotten on my last fucking nerve more often than I care enough to admit!" 

"I understand that because Justin more often than not had been on my last nerve, Chris sometimes was dancing on the same nerve right beside him," he confesses to me. My phone rings and once the caller's name pops onto the screen I hand it to James, silently allowing him the chance to answer. "Jace, she's downright pissed off at you. For being childish toward your baby sister. Don't expect her to answer you right off the bat, though." He balls up his hand and opens it in a mimic of a speaker. I take it and put it on speaker, leading him outside as I hand it back to him and sit on the porch because the kids had just gone to bed. "Go for it, man." 

"Sam?" I knock on the table. He sighs in complete defeat. "Please, forgive me. I was childish and I know that egging my sister on didn't help matters, but I know that we both know that we need each other in our lives. I'm admitting it. I don't blame you for being upset with me and I take full blame. I miss you. Please, talk to me. I need you more than I've ever needed anyone before. You're my best friend. You're my lover. You mean so much to me that I can't begin to tolerate losing you. I'm hurting because you won't talk to me. I have never once in my life been so desperate to keep anybody around that didn't want to stay. Every single time that we're apart from each other, it hurts like a broken heart. This is my first time fighting this hard to ask, no, beg for anyone to stay, to be with me, to not walk away. You understand me and only see the man my parents raised, the same guy who's been through all the shit he has to be where and who he is now. I need you. I want you in my life. Please." He's sobbing. His voice is cracking. This is coming from his heart. He actually means it. Lance nods to confirm it. I point to the phone and then the table, snapping my fingers again before pointing down again.  

"She wants you to come to her place now." 

"Give me about half an hour and I will be there. If you want Lance there, I'll agree to anything you want." 

"Whoa, Jace! That's making you seem desperate to keep her!" 

"Did you not hear me pleading and begging? I am desperate to keep her! I need and want her in every way imaginable other than for sex! Man, she gets to me in ways I thought couldn't happen. She has me in ways that even Eva can't even fathom getting to me. You damn well know exactly how I feel about her. I don't want to lose her. She went home three or four hours ago and I keep singing You Ruined Me, Lose Myself, Dear Goodbye and Build My World the entire time, driving myself up a wall and when I was singing Tearin' Up My Heart and I Want You Back and It's Gonna Be Me and This I Promise You and Good For You made me realize that we belong together. I don't think I could forgive myself if I just let her go without a fight." 

"That's a first. I guess you feel the way you do because..." 

"That's what I mean, Lance." 

I race to her house, praying to God for her forgiveness. She's been there for me and this proves how short I've fallen to do the same for her in the past few months. We have been attached by the hip since day one, but I've been the one not being fair. She's ben open and all in what we have from the beginning while guarding her beaten, battered and severely bruised heart. I wouldn't blame Nick for being mad at me right now; I just hurt her pretty bad. I hope she isn't so mad at me that she won't talk to me directly.  

I love her because I believe she loves me, even if we can't say it. She's just as guarded about her heart as I am and I can't say that she's at fault. She's had a hard life, but I had a few hard times, and I know damn well that mine can't even begin to come close to hers.  She's my world and I can't even deny her and her children mean more to me than I would admit to. She deserves a break. She keeps so busy, so much so that she has close to no time to herself or to think. 

I stop at a store to pick up something I know she collects and drive the last five minutes to her place, having time to spare. I grab the item from the passenger seat and place it behind my back on my way to her front door. I suck in a breath and knock on the door to her second floor apartment of the complex she recently moved into. "Who?" Lance questions. 

"It's me, Pez." 

He unlocks and opens the door. "Where is she?" I quietly ask. 

"In her room, getting dressed." 

"Is she still mad?" 

He scoffs. "If that's what you call it." He opens the door wider and I enter. I sit on the couch and hold the small present in my lap, sitting upright. "In the few months I've known and talked to her, she hasn't been this upset with you." 

"This is the first time that I've pushed her buttons this much and I can't even act mad. I'm actually disappointed in myself." 

I feel her eyes on me and slowly getting up, my eyes following behind the rest of my body. "I think I should head home." 

"Not yet, please; I want you to hear this," she requests, ignoring the object. 

"Alright, but I do need to get home soon, hon." 

"Josh, sit down." I do as she asks. "I know how it is when siblings come around, but that was taking it too far today. I know you're the oldest. Keep in mind that we've told each other so much over the past few months, but there's still so much more neither of us has talked about. We've both had our own versions of hell in life, but I won't have my kids deal with it like either of us have. I'm aware that we are naturally attracted to each other, but my kids and sanity come first." I can hear her fighting and choking down her emotions.  

I slowly put the little stuffed bear she's been looking for since she left Massachusetts down on the coffee table to pull her into a comforting embrace. "I understand that and you have every right to feel the way you do. I feel more for you than I think I should, but I know I should've stepped up to the plate better than I have already. I realized I wasn't being fair to you and that you deserve all you're putting in back. I promise that I will be better to you than I have been to be fair to you. I will try my hardest to be more open, more willing, and more fair to you. You deserve that at the very least." 

"I need a man that can do that and still be good to me. I need a man that will always be my best friend. I need you to be that man. You mean more than you should've as fast as you have and it scares me. I'm scared to feel like this. I'm scared of the fall, of letting go. I'm scared to let go of my past. I don't know how to look to the future. I forgot what love, faith, and hope are. I need someone to reteach me those things. I feel like a total failure. I can't even pretend to be the person I had been so long ago." 

"I want to be that man for you and do all that with you. I want to be around longer than you're used to. I want to be everything and more than that. I need and want you in my life. I will try my damnest to be yours always, entirely, and for as long as you'll allow me to be." 

I cup her cheek with one hand while the other remains wrapped around the middle of her body, my thumb stroking her cheek to make her look at me. She sighs from exhaustion a split second before her eyes meet mine. I couldn't ask for anyone better than her. "Josh, you've been so strong for me when you don't have to be and it says more than yours words could even come close to. I'm sorry if I've been difficult, but I have to be." 

"It's who you are," I assure her. She places her head on my shoulder again. "We should just go to bed and just hold each other, just to talk." 

"James, go home if you want," Sam permits. 

I turn to look at him over my shoulder and smirk. "I'm going to walk him to his car and I promise I'll be right back." 

"Okay," she agrees. 

"C'mon, Lance, I'll walk you out." 

We get to the top of the steps leading to the parking garage. "When do you suggest not having sex, but only cuddling and talking?" 

I chuckle. "When I realized that life doesn't revolve around it and how much she really means to me. I would do anything to keep her happy. She's one of a kind without a doubt and I don't want to lose her, if I can help it. I think I'm really in love." 

He grabs my arm, spinning me to look him in his jade eyes. "You love her as in like might marry her one day?" he demands, shocked. 

"Marriage, kids, forever; the whole shebang, yeah," I confirm. 

He releases me, shaking his head. "I didn't think anyone could get to you like this." 

"Until her, no one could. Until her, nothing changed. I've changed since we've known each other. I finally feel ready, sure enough that I can actually dive head long into a relationship and not be as afraid as I have been in the past." I take a deep breath, a breath that takes my entire body to complete. "It feels liberating, like a new sense of freedom, like I can truly breathe again." 

He smiles as we turn to finish the walk to his car. "That's going to make all the difference with her, even more so when you two make it official." 

"Thanks." We share a quick bro-hug and he departs as I dart back up to her place. I quietly open the door and discover she fell asleep on the couch, closing the door as soundlessly as I possibly can. I lock it and quickly stride over to her, lifting her in my arms and carry her into her room. Once I settle her into her bed, I strip down to my pajama pants and hold her. I'm happy just to hold her. "This is worth changing." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

It's been a few days and we've been a little more open with each other, more honest. "Josh," she calls to me from the living room. 

"Mami?" 

"Have you seen my chargers?" 

I chuckle on my way downstairs. "Last time I knew, you left them on the kitchen table." 

I watch her finish looking through the cluster fuck of papers in the kitchen on the counter from the bottom of the steps. "Found them. Thanks." 

"Heading out?" 

"Yeah, I have something to take care of. Thanks again for Valentino." 

I smile, pulling to my body gently. "Thank you for putting up with me." 

"You're welcome," she honestly replies, blushing. "Thank you for loving me." 

"You're welcome. You deserve it. You also need it," I concede, softly pressing our lips together. 

 
"Josh, you're amazing." 

"No more than you are to me."