December 24, 2014

4:45 pm

Oyster Bay Railroad Station

102 Audrey Avenue, Oyster Bay, NY

I purchased my home in Long Island, about two years ago, after I made my first significant earnings at the firm.  Oyster Bay is an upscale part of Long Island, and about an hour train ride from the office.  The house was pretty much my dream home from the start, with the small lake out back and a sprawling back yard.  I dreamed of meeting the right woman, marrying her, and raising our children in it.  So far, that hasn't happened, but Tyler loves running around in the back yard, and over Thanksgiving we even tossed around the football.  I guess Fay is right though, it's a great house but it's definitely not meant for someone in her condition.  It's too big, and I haven't had the time to convert the staircase into an elevator.  There's seven bedrooms and nine baths, and none of the bedrooms are on the ground floor.  I get it, I do.

But I'd rather carry Fay upstairs for the rest of her life than see her move into Verdan.

I'm not sure about Maggie's financial situation.  She should be living in a house like mine because she's a good lawyer, but instead she had to move into that rathole studio.  I'm sure the lease she took out on the apartment in Brooklyn was pretty high and I have no idea how much Hunter contributed to the cause.  She's told me before that they saved for the place together.

It's better not to pry.  Lord knows, she's never pushed me about things.

"Have you always lived out here?"

I click the button on my car key and the lights on my Ferrari flash on and off.  I leave it in the garage across from the train station when I go to work, and I can't deny I've been a little worried about her since I didn't come home last night.  

"Well, my parents live in Old Westbury, but when I was growing up, I stayed at school except for the summers and holidays.  Their house is about ten minutes from mine.  I would have moved into the city but, uh..."  I hesitate and she looks back at me expectantly.

Shit, why can't I just tell her? I mean, when she walks in my house she's going to meet my sister and see that she's sick.  I have to stop this.  There's no reason to keep secrets from Maggie.  Not anymore.

I can't believe she's really here.  I took a risk, told her I wanted her to spend Christmas with me, and she actually said yes.  My stomach has been in knots ever since, because I know this is my shot.  I have a real chance to prove myself to her now.  Of course I'm scared, but I don't want to  wimp out this time.  At some point, today or tomorrow, I have to let her know how I feel.  I have to tell her that she shouldn't go back to Hunter, because I know I could be good for her.  I could be the man she's been searching for.

"Justin?"

"I um..."  I lick my lips.  "I didn't want to be that far away from my sister."

"Oh, you have a sister?"  Her expression brightens.  "You never told me that.  Do I get to meet her?"

"Yeah," I smirk slightly.  "I have a nephew too, Tyler.  He's nine.  They live with me.  At least, for now."

"Oh..." Her expression falls slightly.  It's obvious that she's starting to put two and two together, relating my "problems at home", with Fay.  I should explain myself, but I just don't know if this is the right time, or place.

Still, I'd rather her be prepared for Fay, so she won't ask a ton of questions at the house.  We reach my car, and I open the passenger door for her.  I'm almost there, almost ready to spill my guts right here.  "Mags..."

"This is a Ferrari."

I chuckle slightly.  "Bonus upgrade."

"Banks case?"

"Yeah."

She nods and smiles slightly.  "Your rocked that one."  

"After you."  I motion her to take a seat, and then I shut the door.  Shit.  So close.

I have to tell her.  I have to.

I get into the drivers seat, and after starting up the motor, I sit, gazing out the windshield, flexing my fingers around the soft leather that encases my steering wheel.

"What's wrong?" She says softly.  

I look over at her.  She's so beautiful, even now.  The wind has been whipping through her hair, tossing it here and there so it rests seductively around her face and on her shoulders.  Her cheeks have turned pale pink because of the frigid air and her lips are a blush red color.  It all brings out the color of her eyes.  Emerald green.  I can't get them out of my head.  They're driving me wild, and the scent of her perfume is filling the  Ferrari's interior now, here to stay for at least a few days.  

It's so hard to sit here with her, alone, finally all mine, and not say a word about how hard I've fallen for her.  

"My sister Fay, she's been sick for awhile.  She's in a wheelchair, and hasn't been doing very well lately.  I just want you to know now, so when you meet her, it's not as much of a shock."

"Oh..."  Her eyes widen slightly.  "Well, she's going to get better right?"

I suck in my bottom lip, and I can't bring myself to look at her.  "No.  She has ALS.  It's starting to take its toll on her.  She wants to go into a full time care facility after the holidays.  After that, I have no idea how much longer she’ll be with us.”

"That's why you cancel on me sometimes.  You've been taking care of her?"

"I've been trying," I laugh, sadly.  "Nothing I do seems to make any difference."

"I'm sure it makes a difference to her, and to your nephew."

"I moved them in with me because my father wanted to just...throw her in a home as soon as she went into the wheelchair.  I wanted her to have a normal life, until it wasn't possible for her to have one anymore, you know?  It's been great having them at the house too.  She just...she doesn't want Tyler to see her at her lowest.  She'd rather do it in a home and have him be oblivious.  Then you know, I ask her...I ask her what happens when she dies? Tyler won't be oblivious to that..."  I laugh and then I can feel the tears on my face.

I wipe at my eyes harshly.   Damn it.  I shouldn't have done this here.  I'm still entirely too emotional after my conversation with Fay this afternoon.

Maggie is silent.  I don't think she knows what to say.  Still, I make myself look at her.  "This is going to be her last Christmas at home."  I clear my throat and get my emotions together.  "I'll do anything to make it her best one."

"You should have told me," she whispers.

"I didn't want to.  I would have been a wreck at work, and you...I guess I felt you needed me to be the stable one.  At times I felt you didn't have anyone else to talk to.  I wanted to give you that support if I could."

"Did you have anyone else to talk to about what you were going through?" She asks me, keeping her eyes locked onto my own.  

I get nervous, lick my lips and frantically think of a great lie to tell her.  I can't though.  I can't lie to this girl, not now, not ever.  "No."  It's a hoarse whisper and nothing more.

"You have to stop blocking people out," she tells me, roughly.  "I've always been able to tell that it's one of your best talents.  You just...fucking smile, and act like nothing phases you!  You're the shoulder for my pathetic ass to lean on.  I can't believe you'd hide all of this from me.  I'm really pissed at you."

"Maggie..."

"No." She shakes her head roughly and crosses her arms sternly over her chest.  "I'm serious.  I can't believe after all the years we’ve known each other, you felt you couldn't pull me aside to tell me that your sister is really sick.  What is that supposed to tell me about our friendship?"

My mouth hangs open.  I don't think there's anything I can say right now to make this better.  She's right.  I've been a great friend to her, but friendship is supposed to work both ways.  When Fay was diagnosed I simply tucked my feelings away and focused on work, but I didn't have to.  I could have talked to her about this...about lots of things.  I'm just figuring that out now, because I'm a fool.  There's so many people in my life that have been better off without me coming to them with an issue, and I’ve just grown accustomed to keep everything to myself.  Fay is the only one that's been able to get things out of me, up until now.  Maggie is the only other person, but I can tell she doesn't have the patience my sister does.

"Should I put you on the next train?" I sigh.

"See, there you go again!"

“What? You said you were pissed! I didn't think you wanted to spend time with me anymore!"

"Just because I'm pissed off doesn't mean I'm going to turn my back on you! God, Justin, hasn't anyone cared about you before?  All you do is push opportunity away.  It's no wonder you can't enjoy a date.  You're so afraid of what might happen if you let someone stick around long enough to enjoy your company!"

I look away from her and straight ahead into the garage again.  "It's just how I am."

"Yeah, well maybe you need to change, before you end up completely alone."

I can't say anything.  I might break down, or say something really stupid to her, like how I'm in love with her and terrified of letting her know.  It prompts me to rev my engine, and put my car into drive, peeling out of the garage so I can drive home.  She doesn't say a word about my recklessness, or that I should slow down once we hit the freeway.  I think Maggie knows I'm upset, but she's angry too.  I steal subtle glances at her as I drive, and find that she's staring straight ahead, chewing at the corner of her lip, like she's thinking very hard about something.

I wish I could blurt out every single thing that's on my mind.  Things about Fay, and about her.  I open my mouth several times, but the words won't form.  My throat goes dry.  She's too beautiful when she's angry, and I'm terrified she won't understand or just tell me to get over it.  To grow up.  That's what Benjamin has told me in the past, when I was upset about Fay.

I'm failing.  I don't fail at anything usually.  Well, except romance.

It must be my epic flaw.

And I suddenly regret asking Maggie to Christmas.
***********
December 24, 2014

5:45 pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

My phone has been buzzing inside my pocket since before we left the office.  Of course it’s Hunter, and the dozen voicemails he’s left must be asking why I haven’t called, or if I’m still coming home with him for Christmas.  At first I was tempted to call back and tell him what was going on, but then, the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was time for him to suffer, just like I had.

I don’t regret what I’ve done to him on Christmas, and I fully intend to give both engagement rings back after the holiday.  I have to face facts.  He’s just not the love of my life anymore.  Maybe he never was.  Things were simpler in college.  I was away from my parents for the first time, and aside from classes, I had no other responsibilities.  It was easy for me to fall for a guy like Hunter, because he knew so much about the world, and life, having come from an affluent household with every advantage at his beck and call.  I was easily impressed then, and now that I think about it, I let him have complete control over what we did, and who we were friends with.  When we moved to New York, he still thought that my career was just going to be something on the side, while his life, social and professional, would dominate our relationship.

I took me eight years to see his real personalty rear its ugly head.  Christ, I almost married him.  

I guess I’m on my own now.

Well…almost.

The house is a classic Long Island dream right out of Better Homes and Gardens.  Fully decked out with elaborate lights and goofy holiday lawn ornaments, you'd never know that there wasn't a big happy family celebrating the holiday beyond the front doors.  All of this has been done for Tyler, the nine year old little boy that lives here, I'm sure.  That means Justin cares more about his sister and nephew than anything else on the face of the planet.

I could tell just by his tone, that "it's taking its toll" means his sister won't be around to enjoy the following Christmas season with her son, or with him.  This is her last, and the more I think about that, the guiltier I feel about yelling at him in the car.

Damn it, he really deserved it though.

A part of me is still so furious with him.  The debilitation of a family member's health is a lot more important than my relationship troubles, yet he didn't give me any hint that it was happening to him. I guess I'm a little hurt.  By now, I figured we were close enough that he would have come to me with an issue like that.

The fact that he didn't is making me question our entire friendship.  At the same time though, I can't stay mad at him.  His eyes lit up as soon as we pulled into his driveway, and that smile took over.  The genuine one.  I knew he was finally excited about the holidays, and I really didn't want to spoil his mood.  

“If you still want to go home, I can take you back.”  

Ever the gentleman, he’s opened the passenger side door for me and is holding his hand out for me to take.

“I didn’t say I wanted to.”

“Yeah, but I know you’re not happy with me.”

I sigh harshly and narrow my eyes at him.  “How about you shut up.”

He frowns.

“Look, I just thought we were close,” I tell him.  “I figured you would have told me something like this, right away.”

“We are close.”  He stares at the ground.  “I just…I have trouble.”

“Trouble?”

“Yeah.”

“Trouble with what? Talking?”

“I don’t know.”  He finally looks at me again, and rubs his hand over his head.  “I…I’m  uncomfortable telling people that I’m upset, or having a hard time.”

“You tell me about your dates.”

He laughs softly.  “That’s different.”

I roll my eyes and get out of the car on my own.  “Timberlake, I’m giving you a pass, all right? Lord knows, getting my drunk ass out of the tub has to count for something.  I’m not mad at you anymore, but if something serious is going on with you, I expect you to tell me from now on, all right?”

“Yeah.” He smiles for me again.  “All right.”

I hug him then.  I’m not sure what makes me do it, but when I feel his arms around me, holding me tight, it makes me feel different.  Not a ‘we’re spending christmas as friends’ different.  But really different.  The scent of him, the soft sound of his breath against my neck, the feeling of his heart beating through his shirt, is sending me into sensory overload.  I feel myself begin to sweat, and my heart beings to race, just like earlier in the stairwell.

Shit, this can’t be good.  It’s that rebound crap, taking over.  I’m still a mess from Hunter, and that’s all.

“You okay?”  I force myself to pull away from him, and he seems a little disappointed.

“Uh, yeah.”  He nods quickly and straightens out his jacket, but won’t look at me.  “Yeah, we’re good.  You wanna go in?”

“Well it is pretty cold.”  I laugh to lighten the awkwardness, and its the only thing that seems to snap him out of whatever it is.

“Come on.”  He smiles and takes my hand, pulling me towards the wheelchair ramp that leads up to his front door.

I don’t pull away.  I just let him do it.  Strangely, it feels right.  It feels good and I feel the warmth and comfort flowing through my veins for the first time in months.

But this is Justin.  My best friend.  I can’t start to feel any other way about him.  No, because those kind of things never go well.  I couldn’t bare to lose him, if things didn’t work out in the end.

Justin unlocks the door and leads the way inside the house.  I look up and all around, gazing at the comforting surroundings.  It looks like something out of a Williams-Sonoma catalog.  The white crown molding with the mahogany wood floors, staircase, and trim.  The brass door handles and the oriental rugs.  I fall in love immediately, and the heavenly scent of of Christmas cookies wafting in the air from elsewhere in the house is the icing on the cake.

I want to stay here.  I never want to leave, and that’s very bad.

“Mags?”

I snap to attention.  “Yeah, sorry.”

“What’s wrong? Do you hate my house or something?” He laughs.

“No,” I chuckle.  “I just…I love it here.”

His eyes get a little wider.  “You just got here.”

My cheeks begin to burn, yet again.  “I can’t explain it.  It feels like Christmas now, that’s all.”

He stares at me, like I just blew his mind.

“UNCLE JUSTIN!”

Before either of us can react, a small boy who could only be Tyler flies towards us at full speed, throwing himself into Justin’s arms when he gets close enough.  

“Uncle Justin! You didn’t come home last night!”

“Whoa, bud!”

Tyler wraps his arms around Justin’s neck and buries his face in his shoulder.  “Why didn’t you come home?”

Justin plants a kiss on the top of his nephews curly brown hair.  “Mommy told me you were over it.”

“I missed you,” Tyler whispers.

Justin sighs.  “I’m here okay? I’m not going anywhere right now.”  He tightens his embrace around Tyler and boosts him up in his arms.  “You’re getting to heavy for this,” he laughs.  “Come on, it’s Christmas.  There’s no time to cry.”

“Grampy said this is why we shouldn’t live here.  He said you’re busy at work.”

Within seconds I see Justin’s carefree demeanor fade away.  He looks serious now, strained, and tense.  He gently places Tyler on the floor, and bends down slightly, wiping the tears off of Tyler’s face.  “When was Grampy here?” He doesn’t stay it roughly, but I can tell it’s taking a lot for him to keep his mood in check.   

“He came to talk to mommy this morning.  They were arguing.  She made me go upstairs.”

“Okay.”  He tousles Tylers hair.  “Don’t worry about it, all right? I smell cookies! Did you guys bake?”

“Sugar and Chocolate chip! Matilda helped me!”  He smiles brightly.

“Oh you baked them?” Justin laughs.  “Wow, I’m impressed, Ty.”

“We used your recipe!”

Justin glances back at me slightly, as if he just remembered that I’ve been standing here.  “Well I can’t wait to try them.  Can you say hello my friend Maggie?”

Tyler’s gaze finally lands on me.  You can tell he’s a Timberlake just by how tall he is, and the nose.  The nose is the same as Justin’s, a family trait.  He’s cute as a button too, but I won’t tell him that.  Most boys his age get embarrassed and grossed out, and I don’t want to create that as my first impression.   

“Hi, who’re you?” Tyler asks, his eyes wide with wonder.  “Are you Justin’s girlfriend?”

My face burns.

“Tyler…” Justin trails off, the nerves apparent in his voice.

“I um…no.  I work with your uncle, in the city.” I force a smile.  “We’re friends.”

“Oh.”  He frowns for a moment, but then it turns into a smile.  “Are you going to spend Christmas with us?”

“That’s the plan,” I chuckle.

“Matilda!” He yells.  “Matilda!  We gotta make more cookies! Uncle Justin brought his friend!”

He races away.
r32;“Tyler!” Justin yells after him.  “God…I’m sorry,” he laughs as he turns back to me.  “He’s a bundle of every type of emotion, most of the time.  I’ve never brought anyone home before.”

“I think he’s sweet,” I chuckle.  “He seems like a lot of fun.”

“He is,” Justin nods.  “He’s a lot of work though.  He never got to meet his dad, so he needs a lot of attention from me.  When I have to work overtime, or go on a business trip for the firm, he gets really upset.  The Banks case nearly drove him out of his skull.  If it wasn’t for FaceTime I have no idea what we would have done.”

“I’m starting to get your feelings about the partnership.”

He sighs a little.  “Well, I’m glad someone does,” he says gently.  “I’m just going to get changed, all right?  The kitchen is right down the hallway to the left, if you feel like joining Matilda and Tyler in their baking festivities.  Matilda is my sisters nurses aid, but she sort of doubles as a babysitter for me these days.  She’s a really nice girl though.  You gonna be okay for a minute?”

“Oh…yeah.” I force a smile, but I know how uncomfortable I am.  

“All right.” He flashes that great smile of his for me.  “I’m…I’m really glad you came,” he nods.  “It means everything to me, Mags.”r32;

I stare at him, breathless.  He’s never been so upfront with me before, and I don’t know what to make of it.  What do I say? I mean, he looks so damn happy right now.  I’ve never seen him this way, in all the years I’ve known him.  To know that I’m causing those emotions is making my head spin.  “It does?”

“It does.”  He licks his lips.  “I um…”  He trails off and laughs as his eyes meet the floor again.  “Maggie I…” He starts over but stops again, shaking his head roughly.

“Justin?”

“I’ll…” He lets out a large breath.  “I’ll just be a few minutes.”

He turns and walks up the stairs.  I’m completely confused, but something deep down inside is starting to burn brighter.  Something that I feel has been hiding out for a really long time.  It’s longing, and it’s telling me that I’m starting to long for him.

But that’s just nuts.

December 24, 2014

6:30 pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

“Are you okay?”

I hear Fay at the doorway but I don’t turn to face her.  “I’m just changing.”

“That’s the fourth outfit you’ve put on.”

“You’ve been watching me? Isn’t that kind of like incest?”

“Whatever, you’ve seen me naked more times in the past month than I’d like to think about.  I think it’s only fair.”

I’m so fucking mad at myself.

She must think I’m a fool by now. In fact, when I go back downstairs, I’m fulling expecting her to call a cab and go back home.  It’s childish that I can’t tell her how I feel. I was almost there, but I chickened out.  I did it again.

I’m a fucking fool.  I don’t know what to do anymore. Giving up would be a hell of a lot easier.  I can’t do it though.  Back there, at the stairs, she looked so beautiful and it took my breath away.  I don’t know why.  She hasn’t had the chance to freshen up yet.  I guess it’s just because we’re here at the house, and it’s Christmas, and she was smiling.  Those feelings I have for her kept building up, more and more until I thought I was going to explode.

I know I love her, even if that deems me psychotic.  I can’t lie to myself, right?  I feel in love with her years ago, there’s no escape.

There’s nobody else for me.

But I can’t get the words out.  It’s fucking killing me.  I know I’ll watch her walk away from me the day after Christmas, and let our lives get back to normal.  I think I can take rejection from the strangers I go on dates with.  I’m unaffected.  But rejection from Maggie will be as bad as losing Fay at some point next year.  I can’t risk that kind of pain.  I don’t think I’d survive it.

“It’s just us.”  I hear her wheelchair gliding into my bedroom.  “I mean, you’re going to be coated with sauce and flour in a few minutes.”

“I brought a guest,” I grumble.

This is the hard part.  My sister won’t believe for a minute that I’ve brought Maggie home as a friend.  One look at my expression and she’ll have me figured out, because she knows me better than anyone on the planet.  I don’t want to answer her questions, and I don’t want Maggie to get uncomfortable and start asking me questions either.

“A guest?”

I finally turn, holding my breath as I give her the once over, hoping for the best.  My heart sinks when I see that one of her arms is curled into her lap, unmoving. The other arm is resting on the arm of her power chair, strapped into place so it can’t slip off, allowing her fingers to push her joystick forward and back.  This is it for Fay.  Soon she won’t be able to maneuver herself around at all.  She’ll need someone to push her. I’m starting to understand why she wants this full time care, but I don’t want to accept it.

“Stop staring, Justin.”

I meet her gaze.  “Fay…”

“Look, I’m making the best of it,” she whispers.  “You should too, for Tylers sake.”

“How are you going to eat.” My voice trembles, and I fight off the tears.  

“Matilda is still here,” she smiles. “She said she’d get us through dinner, and if you’d be so kind to help me out, I’d really love some of that Apple Pie you’ve been going on about for a week.”

A feeling of disgust comes over me.  Tonight is fine.  I know Maggie is a good person and won’t say anything while I’m feeding my sister dessert, but tomorrow at our parents house…I don’t know if I can stomach the way they’ll probably treat her at the dinner table.  “What about tomorrow?”

“You can take Tyler,” she nods.  “I’m not going to Mom and Dad’s.”

“Why?”

“I would just rather not,” she sighs.  “Justin, you shouldn’t have to ask me, you know?”

“Tyler said Dad came by.”

“Yeah.” She rolls her eyes.  “He did.”

“And?”

“I’d rather just talk about it later, okay?”  She looks me in the eyes, and then she smiles.  “It’s Christmas Eve, and I don’t want to think about all the bullshit going on. I just want to spend time with you and Tyler and…well.” A sly smile takes over her expression.  “Your ‘guest’.”

“It’s just a co-worker.”

“Oh my god you are such a bad liar.”

“It is!”

She inches closer to me.  “I saw her out the window.  Very pretty, J.”

“She’s my co work…”

“I’m going to figure out a way to slap you if you say that again.  Who is she?”

I turn back to her, and I can’t help but let the smile break out across my face.  I forget about the chair, about the fact that I’ll have to put a bib on her and feed her like a baby in a while.  It’s just my sister right now.  Everything else seems to melt away.  “Her name is Maggie.  She’s an executive lawyer at the firm, like me.”

“So when you said you were helping your co-worker last night?” She raises and eyebrow.

“I was helping her. Her fiancé dumped her recently.  She needed a friend last night.”

“Mmhm, and how long have you had a crush on her?”

“I haven’t had a crush…Jesus, Fay!”

She laughs.  “Oh Justin, you are so cute and inexperienced about relationships.  I just want to pinch your cheeks or something.”

“It’s not a crush.” I harshly turn back to my dresser, digging for yet another outfit.

“But you like her.”

“I dunno.”

“Give me a break.”

I sigh harshly.  “It doesn’t matter if I do or if I don’t.  It would never work.”

“I knew it!”

“Fay—”

“Do I get to play match maker tonight? My wishes are coming true, finally.  I’m only sorry I spent a hundred bucks on match.com.  Lord knows you never fucking use the thing.”

“Please don’t say anything.” I quickly turn back to her.  “Please, just…let it go, okay?”

“There’s a lot of things I put up with Justin,” she says softly.  “But you spending the rest of your life alone, isn’t something I’m willing to accept.  I want to…know…that you’re going to be taken care of when I’m gone.”

“Fuck, really, you’re going to go there tonight?”

“When would you like to discuss it, then?”

I shake my head roughly.  “We already talked about this today, remember?  I’m not going to do it again right now.  Are you ready? I’ll bring you down in a minute.”

“You can’t keep avoiding the inevitable,” she tells me.  “Eventually, I won’t be here for you to lean on.  You have to figure out what you’re going to do, Justin.  I mean yeah, we discussed Verdan this afternoon but it’s obvious that you didn’t grasp the concept of our conversation.  I don’t think you’re going to be able to handle things when I’m gone.  Do you know how hard that is for me? You have next to no relationship with Dad, and Mom might as well be on another planet, because she barely knows what’s going on in your life.  You don’t keep friends, and you cast off every opportunity at having a relationship.  I mean, Tyler is lucky to have you, but he can’t be everything in your world.  I want you to fall in love and be with someone that makes you happy.  One of us should be able to have that kind of life.”

“It’s like you want me to just forget about you.  You want me to let you go into that home, and move on with my life.”

She narrows her eyes at me.  “That’s exactly what I want you to do.”

I stare at her, the anger building up inside of me.  I can’t believe her.  It’s like, she would rather I didn’t care.  Like the relationship we’ve had all our lives, shouldn’t mean shit to me anymore because she’s dying.  “I’m not just casting you off Fay! I’m not Dad!”

“Do you what you want,” she says, sadly.  “I’m just trying to prepare you for what it’s going to be like when I’m not around. It’s going to be lonely here, and I don’t think you’re going to be able to handle it.”

“Well if you would listen to me, and stay, then I wouldn’t be lonely.”  I cross my arms harshly, but I won’t look at her.

I know she’s right.  She’s looking out for me.  When she moves out, it’s going to be a different world here, and I don’t know how I’m going to react.  I could lose it all, fall into a deep depression that I won’t be able to spring back from.  I won’t have anyone to confide in, because I alienate everyone.  Even Maggie can tell that it’s what I do best.  I wish I could be different, but it’s really hard to change a lifelong personality on such short notice.  

“You know I would stay if it was the best thing for everyone.”

I nod slightly.  “I know that.”

My face is burning, and in just moments I feel the first batch of tears push out from behind my eyes and glide down my face.  I’m a wreck.  I’m a wreck and she hasn’t even left yet.  I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do, and now I have to face Maggie too.

I’m so stupid.  How the hell did it make sense to invite her here?

“Please don’t cry,” she says after a moment.  “Justin, I can’t take it.  I really can’t. Not tonight.  My speech has been somewhat okay today.  I’d really like to keep it that way for Tyler.”

I sniffle harshly and wipe my face.  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.  “I just…you’re the only one…”

“I know.”  She closes her eyes for a moment and nods before opening them again and smiling for me.  “Let’s just try and have a great holiday, okay?”

I smile slightly, go over and kiss her cheek and stroke her hair.  “I love you, sis.”

“C’mon,” she chuckles.  “I want to meet this mysterious co-worker of yours.”

Oh God.

December 24, 2014

6:55 pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

“So, you work in the city with Justin?”

I look up from the cookbook I’ve been thumbing through and meet Matilda’s gaze.  She’s very young, and is in her last year of nursing school.  This job is counting as her internship, and she told me it’s a lot less stress for her.  She’s able to study during downtime and Justin has helped her with books and exam expenses on top of the paycheck he gives her. She seems very happy where she is, and I can tell that Tyler has grown very attached to her.  

“Oh yeah, at the firm,” I nod a little.  “I’m a lawyer too.”

“It’s crazy,” she chuckles and begins to help Tyler pour more chocolate chips into the batter they’ve been working on.  “In all this time he’s never brought someone home with him.”

I swallow hard.  “Well um…I mean, I didn’t really have plans anyway, and he asked so…yeah.”

She smirks slightly.  “Well you seem awesome.  I’m glad he invited you.  We can use a little more cheer around here. The more the merrier, right Ty?”

He glances up at me in the middle of his batter mixing, sporting a face smeared with chocolate and powdered sugar from the other cookies he’s been sampling.  “Where did you take my Uncle Justin last night?”

My face automatically burns with embarrassment.  “Well we…just…we had dinner and…”

“Tyler.”  Matilda narrows her eyes at him.  “That’s not polite.”

“He was ‘posed to tuck me in and read me a story,” he pouts.  “He promised!”

“And I’m going to read you two stories tonight, Ty.  Come on, that’s no way to talk to company is it?”

Matilda winks at me quickly, and wanders into the next room to take care of something else.  It prompts me to look over my shoulder.  Justin is standing in the kitchen archway, his brow furrowed at his nephew.  He’s dressed down, a nice polo sweater and a pair of blue jeans.  I can’t remember ever seeing him this way.  It’s always business attire with him, and I guess…I realize how much I’ve been removed from his personal life up until now.

“But she was—“

“Tyler James Timberlake.”

Justin only has to say it once to make Tyler hangs his head low.  “Sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry to me,” Justin smirks at me slightly.  “Say it to Maggie.”

“Sorry Maggie.” He looks up at me and sniffles slightly.  “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, honey,” I chuckle slightly.  “I understand.  Story time is pretty sacred.”

“I like Ferdinand.”  Tyler’s smile returns and he goes back to mixing his batter.  “Do you know that one?”

“Very well,”  I nod, remembering how much I begged my mother to read it to me before bed when I was a little girl.  That and The Monster at the End of This Book, will always rank high on my list.  

“I’m partial to Corduroy,” Justin chuckles, drawing closer to the kitchen island so he can ruffle Tylers hair and kiss him on the cheek.  “This one won’t let me read that one to him.  Stubborn kid.  We’ve read Ferdinand every night this month.”  He starts tickling him and it sends Tyler into a fit of squeals and laughter.

“Please don’t tickle him to death tonight.” A feminine voice laughs.  “He’s had enough juice and soda to pee his pants twice.”

I turn and see who could only be Justin’s sister in the archway, propelling herself forward in her power chair.  Her complexion is pale, and she’s very frail, but her smile is unwavering.  She has this brilliant light in her eyes.  It shows me how strong she is on the inside, and how determined she is not to let this thing get the best of her.  I like her already and I haven’t even said hello.  This is the woman that gets Justin through his days.  The only one he’s been able to talk to about everything he’s been feeling, up to this point.  

“You must be Maggie.”  She smiles up at me as she stops in front of my kitchen stool.  “From Harrison and Fink?”

“Oh…yes.”  

“Just lean down and give me a kiss on the cheek because I can’t give you one,” she laughs.

I do it with a smile.  “Fay, right?”

She nods.  “That’d be me.  Thank you so much for joining us tonight.  I really wasn’t expecting such a big turn out.” She eyes Justin a little.  “Usually its just us.”

“Well, thank you for having me.  I love your house.”

“Please, it’s Mr. Successful’s house.”  She backs up and propels herself around the Island to where Tyler is still mixing his batter.  “We’re just lucky to have him around.”

“It’s our house.  Don’t listen to her, Mags.”

I feel his eyes on me now, and finally meet Justin’s gaze.  He’s giving me a thankful little smile, as if my being completely cool with his situation is some kind of blessing.  I don’t get him.  Nothing about this is weird.  His sister is awesome and Tyler is no where near as annoying as he seems to think.  I’d love to have this kind of family, despite it’s problems.  I’ve never been close like this with my sister.

It’s killing me that Justin is going to lose this light in his life.  She’s so young, and it’s sad to see her dwindling away.  I realize that I’m scared for him.  I don’t want to imagine the wreck Justin will turn into when his sister isn’t around anymore.  She’s his only support, and when he loses that…he might just lose it all.

“So what’s on the menu?” Fay rolls herself up to the table and hits a button on the arm of her chair that boosts her level with the rest of us.  “Chef Justin?”

“You’re cooking?” I say it to him automatically.

“Oh didn’t you know?” Fay chuckles.  “Justin is a chef at heart.  I told him he should have gone to culinary academy in the city.”

“Fay, enough,” he drones.

“He wouldn’t listen though,” she continues with a smile.  “Pleasing our father was more of a priority then, you know how it is I’m sure.”

“Oh…yeah…”

Awkward.

“Prime rib.” Justin grunts and pulls it out of the fridge, plopping the packaged roast on top of the island with a whack.  “Tyler why don’t you let us put the cookies in the oven so you can get dressed for dinner.”

“Aw but—“

“Tyler, we’re not going to ask you again,” Fay says to him.  “Go get ready for dinner.”

“Fin-ne,” he sighs harshly and puts his spatula down in the bowl before running out of the kitchen.

“You sure love to kill the moment,” Fay laughs.  “Dear brother.”

He flashes her a sarcastic smile.  “You sure know how to make a person extremely uncomfortable in front of a friend, dear sister.”  

She just laughs it off.  “Maggie are you uncomfortable?”r32;
“Well, no…”

“I meant me.”  Justin grabs an apron from a hook inside the pantry door and drapes it over himself.  “I’m uncomfortable.”

“You’re always uncomfortable,” She narrows her eyes and flashes me a devilish grin.  “He is, you know.”

For the first time, I realize I can agree with her.  “You know…I think you’re right.”

“Mags?” Justin squeaks.

Fay cracks up.  “Oh my god! I”m not alone! Thank you, Maggie…really, I think we’re going to be great friends.  Maybe you can get through to him, huh? I know that after twenty five years, I still can’t.”

“He’s a hard one to crack,” I giggle.

“Great, now you’re both ganging up on me.”  He shakes his head, but I can see that smile of his peeking out.  “This is a very merry Christmas.”  He pulls a knife out of the block and begins to tear through the plastic wrap encasing his roast.  

“I didn’t know you could cook, Justin,” I say, before the moment can drift back into awkwardness.  

“Did you taste the cookies?” Fay’s eyes widen slightly.  “They are to die for.  Even our picky mother won’t let the holidays end without having a plate hand delivered to her by Justin.”

“They’re not so great.”  Justin rolls his eyes and slides the platter of cookies over to where I can reach them.  

“Let the lady judge for herself, and just so you know, I haven’t even been able to have one yet.  You could have brought a couple upstairs, you know?”

He sighs.  “Sorry.”  

I grab one up, as he takes a seat beside his sister and begins to break off pieces of a cookie, feeding them to her one by one.  Biting into the thing is incredibly amazing.  I’ve never tasted anything so tender and sweet before.  Honestly, I didn’t think Justin was capable of something as complicated as made from scratch baking.  Lord knows, I burned the last batch of Tollhouse that I attempted, and that was after reading the instructions three times.

“This is…God, Justin…this is your recipe?”

He looks over his shoulder while Fay is in mid chew.  “Yeah I mean it’s…”

“It’s so good! I can’t believe this! I just…I want to bring home plates of these to everyone I know.”

He blushes. “Well, thanks.”

“Told you,” Fay says, as Justin wipes some chocolate from the corners of her mouth.  “He’s incredible.  That’s only the beginning.  Wait until you taste the meat, and the sweet potatoes and…just everything.”

“You could go into business, you know?” I say it to him softly.  “I’m not just saying that.  People would pay to eat this stuff.”

“Yeah well, it’s just a hobby.” He says it quickly, and looks back at Fay.  “You want some more before I start the meat?”

“No, I’ll save my appetite,” she smirks.  “He’s too modest, Maggie.  That’s his problem.  He never tells people how he really feels until it’s too late.”

Justin shoots his sister an icy look. “Maybe you should go rest for awhile, Fay.”

“Why?” She rolls her eyes.  “I’m talking to my new friend Maggie.”

“Well it’s going to be a late night since you want to watch me put out the gifts for Ty.”

“Oh please,” she rolls her eyes.

“I’m just saying.” Justin grumbles and focuses on seasoning the roast.  

“You’re trying to get rid of me is more like it.” She leans closer to me.  “He always does this.  Maggie, aren’t I right through? Doesn’t Justin keep things to himself?”r32;
“Well…”r32;
Justin stares at me, like I’m destroying his whole world, but I just don’t care.

“I mean…” I continue.  “I didn’t know about you until tonight.”

“You mean about this whole wheelchair thing?”

“No.” I shake my head.  “I mean, I didn’t know he had a sister.”

“Really?” She feins surprise.  “And how long have you worked with my brother?”

“About five years now.”

“I’m so disappointed, Justin,” Fay tells him.  “You know how awesome I am.  You should want to brag about me.”

“Whatever.” He doesn't look up from the meat.

“Why didn’t you tell her?” Fay asks.

“Didn’t come up.”

“In all these years?”

“Nope.”

She glances at me.  “Is he a closed book at the office?”

“Pretty much.  Out of the office too.  I told him it pissed me off.”

“Someone else should,” Fay snaps.

“Thanks a lot,” Justin grunts.

“But yet you’re still friends with him, and you still came home with him?” Fay continues.

I shrug.  “Yeah.  He’s a good listener.  He’s always been there for me.”

“See? At least someone respects me,” Justin says.  

Fay smiles, like she knows something that I don’t.  “I knew I liked you.  Didn’t you just break up with your boyfriend or something?”

“Oh well I…”r32;
“She doesn't want to talk about it,” Justin interrupts.

“She didn't say that.  Maggie, you don’t mind do you?”

“It’s not a big deal,” I chuckle.

“See? She doesn’t mind.”

Justin groans.

“What happened? He was a jerk right?”

“You could say that.  The bastard cheated.  I’ve been kind of a wreck.  We were together eight years, but…I think I’m going to be able to deal with it, you know? I’ve realized a lot of things.  Coming here for Christmas was the change of pace I needed, I think.”

“It was definitely the change of pace Justin needed.”

“I’m still here,” Justin says.  “Remember?  The one who’s cooking the meal?”

Fay ignores him.  “Seriously, he never hangs out with anyone.  When he didn’t come home last night I thought his date might have worked out for him, if you know what i mean.”

“Fay!” He yells.

I crack up.  “No, not quite.  I needed some help so he came to see me.  That’s all it was.  He fell asleep at my place.”

“Ohhh, so are you guys dating?” Fay grins.  “Like in secret?”

“Shit, no!” Justin yells at her.  “Seriously Fay!”

I’m blushing, but Justin is completely freaking out.  I look at him and can see how red his face has gotten, how harshly he’s breathing, and I know it’s up to me to calm the situation down.  “We’re friends,” I tell her, calmly.  “You know…that’s all.”

“Hmph.”  She smiles to herself.  “Seems like there’s more here.  You guys are cute together.”

“There’s not more here, and we aren’t cute.  There’s not and there won’t be…just…no.”  Justin looks like he’s just about to fall over and die, and I don’t know what to make of his attitude.  

“We’re friends.  He’s a great friend to me, Fay,” I speak up.  “Sometimes I don’t know how I would have gotten through the past few months if it weren’t for him.”

He stares at me, his grumpy expression falling away into a soft smile.  

“It’s a shame, you know?” Fay says.  “I’d love to see him settled with a nice girl like you.  I’m going to go get Matilda to turn on a hokey Christmas special while dinner cooks.  Feel free to join in, if you want to Maggie.”

She glides away from us, and doesn’t look back.  I can hear her talking to Matilda moments later, and know that we are finally alone.

“She’s pretty sure of herself,” I laugh at him.  

“Yeah,” he grunts.  “It figures that she’s having one of her really good days.  She can talk about how pathetic I am a mile a minute.”

“Come on, she was just having some fun, Justin.”

“She doesn't know when to stop.  That was fuckin’ embarrassing. I mean…it’s not like you’ve ever been here before and I wanted it to be special for you, not twenty questions from my sister.”

“Justin I like being here.  She’s great.”

“She’s always on me to find someone,” he goes on, oblivious to what I’ve just said.  “I go on dates upon dates upon dates.  She just doesn’t get it.  I’m not fucking interested in anybody else.”  He starts rubbing the seasoning into the meat harshly.  

“Anybody else?”

He looks up at me suddenly, like he just realized what he said.  “Well I…you know, I mean, I’m not interested in them.  Those women.”

“Then who are you interested in?  You said you’re not interested in anybody else, as in…there’s only one person you’re interested in.  Am I making sense?”

He won’t look at me.  Now I’m the one who’s uncomfortable.

 “You’ve been acting strange since the other night,” I say.

He laughs it off.  “I did see you naked.”

“And?”

“I dunno.” He shrugs.  “It’s nothing, really.  I care about you, that’s all, as a friend.”

“As a friend?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

“Maggie, you’re a great girl, but you’re not my type,” he laughs a little but gets serious.  “You know? I mean, we’re different people.  I love you as a friend and everything, but you and I would never work.”

My heart sinks.  I don’t get it.  It shouldn’t matter.  “So who is your type then?  Anorexic model pretty? Bitchy?”

“Pretty much.”

I roll my eyes.  “Now I’m nauseated.”

“Why?”

“Because I know you’re full of it, Justin.”r32;

“Huh?” He looks up, his eyes wide, his expression full of fear.

“You hate those kinds of women.  What happened? Did you just forget that I’ve known you for the past five years?  You may hide most things from me, but I still know some things about you.  I mean, what the hell was that back there on the stairs? You were stuttering, trying to tell me something, and then you just ran away.”

“It was nothing.” He laughs and shakes his head, then desperately tries to focus on the roast.

It’s undeniable.  I can’t sit here and tell myself that Justin doesn’t have more-than-friends feelings for me. It’s obvious, but the question is, how long has he felt this way?  “So look me in the eyes right now, and tell me you don’t have feelings for me.”

“UNCLE JUSTIN!” Tylers voice booms from upstairs.  “I CAN’T GET MY PANTS ON!”

He doesn’t move, doesn’t flinch, just stares at me.

“I’m waiting for an answer.”

“What about you?” He whispers.

“This isn’t about me.”

“Yeah it is.  It works both ways.”

“I…”  I stare at him.  Into those eyes that I’ve look into a million times before, and I feel that energy between us.  I don’t know if it’s the first time I’ve realized it, or if I have subconsciously when we’ve been at happy hour, being drunk and silly together.  I remember putting my arms around him, laughing with him, but thinking nothing of it.

This is different.

I’m single now.

‘UNCLE JUSTIN!”

“You better go,” I whisper.

“Oh-hh no.” He snickers.  “You got us in this predicament.  We’re going to get out of it now.  He can wait.”

“I didn’t get us into anything.”

He rinses his hands and after drying them, walks around the island and right up to me.  “You brought it up.”

“Well it was more Fay than anything.”

“Still,” he whispers.  “You could have dropped it once she went into the living room.”

I know I could have.  That’s really bothering me now. Damn him for pointing it out.  “I haven’t really thought about it.”

“So if I said that I did have feelings for you…that…”  He licks his lips and inches a little closer to me.  “That maybe I always have.  What would you say?”

The shock hits me right in the chest and I can’t speak, all I can do is stare at him. 

"Now I'm the one who's waiting for an answer," he smirks.

“A minute ago you said things with us would never work.  Where are you pulling this out of?  Are you being serious?” I say.

Suddenly his emotions give it all away.  I see that look in his eyes.  The one that can only be associated with a strong emotional connection with someone else, and all I can think is that Justin might have fallen for me not just recently…

But a really long time ago.

“I’m serious,” he manages.  “I would never make that up.  Not when it comes to you, Mags.  I just…I’ve been sort of a coward I guess.  I haven’t been able to tell you how I feel.  Right now, it doesn’t make sense to keep it from you, even if things will change because of it.”

“Justin—“

“So how do you feel?” He whispers, keeping eyes locked onto mine.

I stare back at him, my breath caught in my throat, and the only thing I can come up with is: “Speechless.”

“Speechless, but…what?”

“But I…I can’t make myself tell you to back off,” I confess, my heart racing as the sweat begins to bead on my forehead.

“What if I kissed you?”

I feel my eyes go wide, he’s right in front of me know, inches from my face, and I have no idea if I should run away, or if I should let him…let him do this.  “Kissed me?”

He reaches out and every so slightly trails a couple of fingers down my cheek.  “I…I dream about it, you know, kissing you.”

Justin never would have made my lists of romantics.  He’s the type to stumble with his words when he gets nervous, and constantly shies away from affection.  Right now I would never know it.  He’s captured me right where I’m most vulnerable, and the only thing I can do is stare back at him, my mouth hanging open slightly, practically drooling because I’ve started to realize how amazing he smells and how handsome he truly is.  “You dream about me?”

“Yeah.  All the time.  Does that make me a creep?”

“A creep?” I chuckle.  “No.  I just…I guess I wish I had known this before.”

“I’m a chicken shit,” he mutters.  “I’ve wanted to say all of this to you, for years.  I just couldn’t make myself do it, until tonight.”

“Well,” I sigh.  “I mean, if you want to kiss me so badly,  I guess you can consider it more payback for the tub incident.”  

Have I completely lost my mind?

“Payback huh?” He smiles and laughs a little bit.  “It’s more like a Christmas gift, don’t you think?”

“Well I mean if…”

I start to say it but he doesn’t hesitate to take me up on my offer.  It takes him just seconds to tuck a strand of hair back behind my ear and hold my face in both of his hands, before giving me the most passionate kiss I think I’ve ever received in my lifetime, right in the middle of his kitchen.

December 24, 2014

7:30 pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

“UNCLE JUSTIN!”

I think I hear Tyler’s voice somewhere far away, but I can’t focus on him.  For the first time in a while, the only thing I can keep my focus on is my heart, and how much I fucking love this woman.

Her lips taste sweet, like vanilla and strawberry and her hair smells like a meadow after it’s rained.  It feels like silk between my fingertips, her hair, and the skin on her face and neck feels like satin.  The same way her legs were that night I had to help get her dressed.  I’ve fallen even deeper into Maggie Dawson in the matter of a few seconds, and I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to come back from this.  

How can I?

This has to be a rebound for her.  She can’t possibly have the same feelings for me that I do for her.  It’s impossible because she just got out of a relationship, and I’ve never had a meaningful one in my life.

I should stop kissing her.  I should stop right now before I get myself into more trouble, or someone sees me doing this.

But I can’t stop.

This is all I’ve ever wanted, after all.  Here, with her in my arms, my lips on hers, knowing I have her emotional attention.  If I never received another promotion, or another gift of any kind for the rest of my life I’d be fine with that as long as I didn’t have to give her up.  I’ve got it bad for her.  It’s like a sickness, but I don’t want to be cured.  

I’m only afraid of what’s going to happen when we finally stop kissing.  Is she going to stay? Is she going to try this thing with me? Or is she just going to apologize and tell me she’s not ready? I have to be prepared either way, and I know that.  I can’t be a child about it, but at the same time, my heart is completely out in the open right now.  I did it.  I went there, let my emotions flood her and hoped for the best.  I don’t know what sparked it, really.  My sister got on my last nerve, and it got Mags curious.  I guess I finally decided it was time to tell her.  It’s Christmas.  Time to go big or go home right?

My oven beeps.

“Preheated.”  Mags pants, breaking our passionate round of kissing.

“It’s okay,” I laugh lightly and grab her lips with mine one more time.

‘UNCLE JUSTIN!!”

“Tyler,” she whispers.

“I…I can’t…I can’t focus on that right now.”  I go in for another kiss, but she pulls away.

“You have to.”  She smooths her hair out and sighs.  “Justin, this isn’t the best time.”

“Oh…” I look down at the ground.

Shit.

Maybe she’s not into it.  It was fluke, yeah.  I mean, I’m just me and she’s beautiful, and amazing.  It would never work.

“I just…I need to catch my breath,” she says quickly.  “Justin, it’s fine.  You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I didn’t think…Maggie…” I shake my head.  “I just…”

“How long have you felt this way?”  She continues to run a hand through her mess of hair.  “I mean, was this random or…”

“I think you’re beautiful,” I say it gently.  I can’t lie anymore.  It’s not fair to me, or to her.  “I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, inside and out.  If that makes me corny or lame…fine.  I’m not good at this stuff.  I’ve never had a girlfriend.  My life has been planned out from the moment I was born, and if my parents had their way, I would have been married to one of their socialite friends daughters years ago.  I was seeing this one girl before I met you…Diana, but then you got hired and I met you at the office.  You were the first woman I could talk to that didn’t seem to care who my father was.  I…I had never had that before, you know?  I never had a friend that just wanted to hang out, and drink after work, because they liked me for me. I didn’t know what to do after those first few weeks.  I knew I felt a certain way about you, but you were practically engaged.  I just kept my mouth shut, and I stopped seeing Diana.  My dates have been pointless ever since, because I wanted them to be.  There’s no one else for me, Mags.  There’s never been.”

“You think I’m beautiful?” She cocks her head to the side, seemingly in awe.

“I do,” I nod.  “And I don’t think someone like Hunter, deserves to breathe the same air as you do.  You deserve everything, Mags.  You deserve someone that’s going to cherish you.  I don’t have a clue if I’m that guy, all I know is that I don’t want to keep going like this.  Every time I see you, and we say goodbye, it hurts.  I just…I need you Maggie.  You’re everything to me.”

“Wow I just…I mean…”

“What?”

“It’s just a lot.” She shakes her head a little.  “I had no idea, Justin.”

“I know it’s a lot, but I had to tell you.  Keeping it bottled up was killing me, and right now, with Fay and everything else, I can’t afford to have that weight on my shoulders.  It’s kind of a now or never thing, you know? I don’t expect you to be with me.  I just figured the right thing to do, would be to tell you.  I didn’t count on…what just happened.”

She smiles slightly.  “I liked it.”

I feel myself blushing.  “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Uncle Justin!” Tyler comes plodding into the kitchen, holding his pants up at his waist with one hand.  “I can’t get the button through these pants!”

Maggie and I start laughing together, and I immediately feel right at home with her.  This is normal for us, laughing together.  Kissing? Not so much, but it seems as if the moment has passed.  I have no idea if she wants to continue, or just forget it happened.  Either way, at least I went there, finally, after all these years.

I’m proud of myself.

I help Tyler with his pants while Mags takes a seat back by the island and watches us with a soft smile on her face.  She hasn’t run away, which I guess is good, but with dinner, presents, and Fay’s nightly routine well on the way, I have no idea when we’ll be able to continue our conversation.  Maybe its better to prolong the inventible.  I’ll have more time with her this way.
“There.” I finish adjusting Tyler’s pants and smile for him while I ruffle his hair.  “Good as new, but you know, you really need to learn how to do this on your own bud.”

“It’s just these ones,” he pouts.  “The button is too little.”

“Go on.” I roll my eyes and pat his behind a little.  “Mommy has the Christmas shows on.  I’ll let you know when it’s time to come back in.”

“Do you think I’ll get the Xbox One?”

I shrug.  “One never knows.  I hear Santa’s been in a pretty good mood this year though.”  I glance back at Maggie and she’s trying hard to stifle her laughter.  

“There’s no such thing,” Tyler tells me with a smirk.  “Daniel from my class told me he found his Christmas presents in the hall closet.”

Damn kid is growing up way too fast.  Last year he couldn’t wait to put out the cookies and milk, and now he’s getting “too cool” for Santa Claus.  “That’s because Santa doesn’t visit Daniel’s house, so his parents have to buy his presents instead.  Good thing me and Santa are like this.” I cross my fingers.  “Right Mags?” I wink at her.

“Oh yeah, we just saw him before we got here, on the train.”

Tyler’s eyes go wide.  “On the train?”

“Yep,” Maggie continues.  “And he told me that he was upset, because he heard a little boy named Tyler had started not to believe in him.  He had an Xbox in his bag and everything, said he was going to have to give it to someone else.”

My  nephew’s mouth drops open a little and he looks up at me longingly.  “He’s gonna give it to someone else?”

I shrug.  “Well he can only give it to someone that believes, Ty.”

“I believe!” He jumps up and down.  “I made extra cookies n’ everything! I did! Can you tell him Uncle Justin?”

“I think we have his number, don’t we Mags?”
r32;“Well…” She pulls her cell out of her pocket and stares at the screen seriously.  “It just so happens that I didn’t delete it, so I say you still have a shot at that Xbox, Ty.  But only if you’re well behaved for the rest of the night, and get to bed on time.”

“I will!” He yells it at both of us.  “I’ll do all of that!”

“All right, we’ll try to relay the message, but you have to go inside.  Santa doesn’t like too many people knowing his routine tonight, after all.”

“Okay! Mom! Mom! Uncle Justin is calling Santa!”
He runs off and I smile.  “Crisis averted,” I whisper to Mags, who is laughing quietly to herself.

“You’re great with him,” she nods.  “You really are.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.  He’s usually not this comfortable around company.  Thanks for playing along.”

She shrugs.  “Least I can do.  So um…and if this is too forward, just tell me…”

I shake my head.  “I think at this point, we can pretty much say whatever we want to each other.”

She laughs.  “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Shoot.”

“What’s going to happen to Tyler?”

“You mean…when Fay goes?”

Maggie nods.

I’d like to say that I haven’t thought that far ahead, but the truth is, we planned that all out once I moved Fay into my house.  She sat with me and I drew up her will with her.  She wants Tyler placed in my care once she enters a facility, and I’ve been preparing myself for it.  The fact that it’s happening sooner rather than later is a lot for me to take in, but I know I’ll have no problem raising my nephew.  I have all the resources, and we’re so close that he’ll be comfortable with the transition.  Fay says I’m the best person to raise him, because I’ll give him a real childhood.  We both know that our parents would ship him off to a fancy boarding school the first chance they got, because they believe it’s the best way to educate a child and prepare them for the real world.

Hell will freeze over before I’ll allow him to end up like me.

“I’m going to take care of him,” I say softly.  “It’s the best solution, because he’s really attached to me, and I love him like a son.  He’s the biggest reminder I’ll have of Fay too, when she…you know.”

“Yeah.  Well, I think that’s really noble of you Justin.  There aren’t too many men our age that would be up to that type of challenge.  It makes you…I dunno, special, I guess.”

“I don’t know about special.” I chuckle.  “I’m just doing what I think is right for Ty.”

“I think you’re special,” she whispers.

We stare at each other for a long time, getting lost in the moment.  I want to continue what I was saying to her before. I want to figure this thing out with us, and I almost start in, but the obnoxious bonging of the doorbell stops me.

Who the hell is coming to my house now? I’m really not that popular.

“I’ll get it.”  Matilda whizzes by me, and I’m thankful, since my hands are full of seasoning and raw meat juice.

“Thought you didn’t have friends,” Maggie smirks.

“I don’t.”  I stare down the hallway, dreading what is probably coming next.

“Hello Matilda.”

My blood runs cold.

“Merry Christmas Mr. Timberlake, Mrs. Timberlake.”

“Be a dear and take my mink.”

“Of course.”

“We have some packages in the trunk. Please start unloading them, Matilda.”

“Right away.”

Shit. No.  Damn it.  Of all the nights…

“Justin!”

My mother rushes into the kitchen, her arms open toward me, just like every holiday.  Her face is freshly nipped and tucked, as per norm, her lips shining and thick with what’s surely a recent shot of Botox.   I swear to God, one of these years I’m going to be having Christmas with the reincarnation of Michael Jackson.  

She embraces me tightly, and the nausea quickly takes over.  That’s normal too.  I’ve never felt comfortable hugging my parents, because they never hugged me when I was a child.  I’ve always found it foreign, and odd, even though it’s one of the most basic signs of affection out there.  

“H-hey, Ma.”  I pat her back awkwardly, and do my best to pull away from her.  Maggie meets my gaze after a moment, and she seems confused and concerned all in one.  I wish I could have prepared her, but I didn’t think we’d be seeing them until tomorrow.  I begin to pray that they don’t notice her.  I don’t need to expose her to their stupidity and ignorance on Christmas Eve.

“Oh, it’s so good to finally see you.” She gives me a kiss on the cheek and forehead, and I can feel the lipstick seeping into my skin.  “Where’s your sister and Tyler? We brought gifts!”

“Um…in the living room…I thought we’d just see you tomorrow.”

“Nonsense.” She gives me a fake smile, and I know they’ve planned to sabotage our Christmas Eve since the beginning of the week. “You come to our house every year, it’s about time we changed things up.  It smells wonderful.  I hope you saved me a plate of cookies.”  

She pinches my cheek and I force a smile.

“Justin.”

I look up, and see Benjamin standing in front of me.  He looks intimidating as always, pissed off too, but that’s nothing new.  “Sir.” I nod.

“Emma why don’t you go and find Tyler.”  My father smiles and rubs my mothers shoulders.  

“Who is this!”

My mother has discovered Maggie, but that was inevitable.

She slides off her barstool and makes her way over to my parents.  “Maggie Dawson.  I work at the law firm with Justin.”

“Oh?”  My mother gives me a suspicious glance.  “And you’re here with Justin for the holiday?”

She eyes me nervously.  “Well, yes.  I ended up having nothing to do so…Justin graciously offered to make a place at the table for me.”

“That’s lovely.  I’ve been hoping he would bring a nice girl home one of these holidays.  Are you single dear?”

Maggie’s cheeks turn deep crimson.  

“Mom!”

My mother laughs.  “He’s so bashful.”  She comes over and pinches my cheek once more, giving my face a playful little slap.  “It’s adorable.  He’s always been my adorable little man.”

Maggie can’t seem to hold in her laughter, and I rub my face with my hands to hide my embarrassment.

“Grammy!”

Saved by the Tyler.

“There’s my other little man!” My mother hollers and rushes over to where he’s standing.  “Give me a squench and tell me about your day…”

Her voice gets fainter as she carries him off into the living room where Fay is.  Benjamin has been left alone with me now, and that’s always been the perfect combination for disaster.

I pray I can keep my temper at bay tonight.

“Maggie Dawson?”  My father smirks slightly and strokes his chin.  “Didn’t you just lose that…”

“Not now,” I snap at Benjamin.  “Not right now, okay?”

“Well I’m just curious,” he laughs.  “Biggest case loss on the market right now, so I’ve heard.”

Maggie just nods as her cheeks turn crimson.  “Well, yeah.”

“And you still have a job?”

“They didn’t fire me, if that’s what you mean.”

Benjamin chuckles.  “Old Barry decided to cut you a break, huh?”

Maggie won’t look at him, and I can tell that she’s extremely uncomfortable.  Shit, if anyone can drive her away tonight, it’s Benjamin.  “Uh-huh.”

“Good man, Fink.” Benjamin nods.  “Good businessman.”

I cringe.  “That’s enough,” I mutter.  “Please, dad.”

“Speaking of business,” My father turns his attention to me now.  “Have you signed yet, Justin?”

I grit my teeth, and ball my fists tightly at my sides.  “I just got it today.”

“Well I don’t see the need for hesitation.  You’re either taking the promotion or you’re not.”

“You just fuckin’ got here,” I spit out. “You can’t wait ten minutes before you start in?”

“It’s a simple question.”

“I’m not doing this right now.  Not tonight.”  I shake my head roughly.  “If you want to visit with Tyler and Fay, fine.  As long as you’re focusing on the holiday, I don’t have a problem with you being here.”

“Your mother wanted to spend Christmas Eve here, but I came to discuss some things with you before tomorrow.  After dinner, I need some time with you alone.”

My stomach lurches.  I can only imagine what that conversation will entail.  “It’s Christmas.”

“And some things can’t wait,” he says sternly.

“So let’s have it then,” I snap.  “Right now.  You were here earlier, upsetting Fay.  I’m sure it has something to do with that.”

My father glances at Maggie, who has been sitting silently since his remarks about the Garbin case.  “I’d rather talk in private.”
I sigh heavily, but realize it’s probably better to cover whatever it is with him now, so I can get them both fed and out of here in time to keep my sanity.  “Fine.”

“In the study,” he orders.

I glare at him as he walks out of the kitchen.  Then I open the oven and practically throw my prime rib inside of it, slamming the door harshly.  “Fuck.”  I breath it heavily into my hands and run them over my head and down the back of my neck.

“Are you going to be all right?”

I look up suddenly.  Shit, right, Maggie.  “I um…I’m so sorry,” I rasp.  “If I had known that they were going to show up I wouldn’t have invited you out.”

“I’m not offended or anything.  The guy is an asshole but it’s not your fault.”

I feel the small smirk pulling at my lips.  She really does understand every part of my life, and it’s so uncanny.  Before today, I hadn’t shared any aspect of my personal life with her.

I know that she’s the only woman I’ll ever need, I’m just so unsure about our status, and that’s my own fault for kissing her prematurely.

“I hate to leave you again,” I manage.

“I’m sure Fay will come up with a way to entertain me.”  Maggie smiles and gets off the stool so she can walk right up to me.  “Since you’re preoccupied.”

I gaze into those amazing eyes of hers, and I can’t help but smile.  She’s really here, right here in front of me, and for the moment at least, I forget that Benjamin is waiting for me in my study.  “What’s going to happen now?” I whisper, gently reaching out so I can rub my hands across her shoulders and down her arms.

“I guess we have a couple of days to figure it out.”

She leans in and kisses me, letting her lips linger on mine for a few precious seconds, running her fingers through my hair and down the back of my neck.  It makes the hairs there stick straight up.  Goosebumps.  I can’t remember the last time I had those.

There’s no more questions.  I just…know…that she wants to try this with me, as fast and crazy as it’s turning out to be.  For some reason, I seem to be worth it to her.  She’s putting her insecurities to the side, and that means more to me than she’ll ever know.

“I’ll see you in a bit.”  She pulls away and winks at me,  flashing me her amazing smile before walking off into the living room.

I stare after her until I can’t see her anymore, and then I know I don’t have a choice but to follow up with my father.  With a large sigh, I force my feet to start moving, and head towards my study.  Naturally he’s there, sitting at my desk, waiting for me to sit across from him.  I feel like I’m at work.  He’s sitting in my executive chair and thumbing through paperwork on my desk that isn’t any of his business.

I hate him, but I have to put up with whatever it is he’s here to discuss.

“Shut the door.”

I do it, and then I take a seat.  “What is it?”

“I came to talk to Fay earlier about events going forward.”

“Verdan,” I mutter.

“Among other things, yes.”

“Fay already told me.  She wants to move in after the New Year.  I’m not happy about it but I’m not going to tell her how to spend her time.  Is that all?”

I hold my breath.

“No.  Not quite.”  He leans forward, a stern, commanding expression on his face.  It’s one I know well, from my childhood, when he was about to lay down the law and tell me how my life was going to be.

I swallow hard.

“Justin, I know you have every intention of becoming Tyler’s guardian once Fay moves into Verdan.”

Tyler.  

“You’re not getting him.”  I say it angrily.  

“Justin…”

“You’re not fucking getting him.” I stand up and narrow my eyes at him.  “That’s what this is about?  You came here and told Fay what your plans were, didn’t you? How the hell could you do that? You know how it’s been.  She’s been worse!”

“I was trying to talk some sense into her.” He says, keeping his voice low as he stands up.  He comes around the desk and cross his arms, staring me down intimidatingly.  “You’re a fool if you think you can be attentive given your career and where it’s going.”

“I can handle it.”

“I don’t agree,” he sighs.  “Tyler deserves the best kind of education.  The type of education I provided for you and Fay when you were young.  He’ll grow with his peer group and attend an ivy league university.”

I step up to him and lean my face right into his.  “You. Are not. Getting him.”

“Do you really think I want to bring this to the courts?  Losing Fay is hard enough on the family.”

“Go ahead,” I grit out.  “I learned all my slimy tactics from you, and you’ve never given a damn about the ALS.  You wanted to toss her in a home right from the start.  I’ve been the one killing myself for all this time, because I love her.  In fact, she’s named me in the will as guardian.”

“A judge has to agree to that first, and Justin, I promise you, I will take you down,” he says darkly.  “It pays to have friends in high places…judges, social workers, DA’s.  They’re all on my speed dial, so don’t push me.  I’ll end your career.  I’ll make you the laughing stock of the legal world, like your pretty co worker in there.  You’ll lose this house, and I’ll make sure you don’t even get visitation.”

I let out a bitter laugh.  “You heartless prick.”

“Think about what I’ve said,” he nods, ignoring my comment.  “We’ll talk after the holidays, once Fay is settled into Verdan.  Getting Tyler acclimated to life at our house will be easier if it’s done right away.  I suggest you have a talk with him about this, and then call me so we can arrange something.”

“No.” I shake my head.  “No I’m not fucking giving into you!  I won’t!”

“Son,” Benjamin sighs and puts a hand on my shoulder.  “I know what’s best.  I always have, and the family has stood it’s ground through thick and thin because of that.  This is for your own good.  In ten years, when you have your own family and you’ve taken over that firm, you’ll thank me for taking the burden of raising a child alone off your shoulders.”

He gives my shoulder one more light pat, and then he leaves me there, alone with my thoughts.

I want to crumble, scream, cry, beg for help of any kind.  I can’t though.  All I can do is stand in the middle of my office, shocked that my father has gotten the best of me once again. It doesn’t even matter what Fay wants, because in the end, Benjamin is going to take custody of my nephew and throw him in a boarding school for the next ten years. I’ve lost before I’ve even started.

I’m a failure.  I’m about to let my sister down.  Her dying wish…I can’t even follow through with it.  My father is too powerful.  He’s not wrong about taking me down.  I know it would be quick and very painful, once I faced him in court.  There’s no denying how many people he knows or how much pull he has.

I’m just…helpless, and I’m going to lose the one thing I’ll have left, once Fay passes away.

December 24, 2014

11:00 pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

The best thing about tonight was the food.  Well…no.  It’s probably a tie between the food and discovering Justin for the first time.  I thought I knew him before, but tonight has been a mind blowing look into the person he actually is.  I guess I’ve started to realize what I’ve been missing out on.  He really is the best kind of friend and romance prospect wrapped into one.  I can see how genuine his feelings are for me, and deep down I know he only has my best interest at heart.  He really cares about me, I think, more than Hunter ever could.

It’s a little scary, and a lot to take in tonight, but for some reason I’ve been fine dealing with it.  The more intense my feelings get, the more I want to stay right by his side, smiling and laughing with him.  Oh yeah, and kissing him too.

That’s been my favorite thing so far, although, we haven’t been able to touch on any of that since before dinner.

I could tell something serious went down between Justin and his father after their private discussion.  Justin looked so painstakingly heartbroken that it took all of my strength not to run right over and throw my arms around him, damning his father to the high heavens.  I knew my input wouldn’t have been well received by anyone, so I figured the best thing I could do was remain the silent partner while he focused on getting the rest of dinner together.  

“What’s in that one?”

Justin holds the wrapped gift out in his arms and shakes it slightly before the smirk appears on his face.  “Star Wars Lego play set.”

Fay grins as Justin bends down to place it under the tree amongst the dozens of other gifts.  “He’s going to flip out in the morning.  We totally spoiled him rotten.”

“Yeah,” Justin nods and sighs a little.  “He deserves it though.”

Fay can barely look at him.  

Their parents left right after dinner, with the reassurance from Justin that he would bring Tyler to Christmas at their house the next evening.  Despite how delicious the meal was (and I mean delicious as in, I just ate at the best restaurant in Manhattan), neither his mother or father complimented Justin on his efforts.  The conversation mainly revolved around Tyler.  Mrs. Timberlake kept asking him what he thought he was going to get for Christmas and what he did to celebrate the holiday at school.  Mr. Timberlake was mostly silent, aside from the few mutterings of ‘that’s my boy’ every time Tyler would say something that pleased him.  Justin and Fay seemed to force their laughter and play along with their mothers mood, and I guess it was a good thing. Nobody seemed to want to ruin Christmas Eve for Tyler, and getting along for the duration of the meal was the most mature thing the family could have done.  

I seemed to become invisible to his parents as soon as dinner began, but I liked it better that way.  If anything, it helped Justin get his sister fed in peace.  I could tell it wasn’t the easiest task for him, cutting her food, feeding her, wiping her mouth, making sure her bib caught any excess, and helping her to take sips of her drink. It was all so sad, and I have to say, I don't think I’ve ever met someone with as much stamina as Justin.  If it were me, with one of my family members, I’d surely break down.  The emotional strain would just be too much.  But Justin kept that smile on for her the whole time, laughing with her when she made fun of herself for drooling between bites.  I realized he would have sat there with her all night, even if that meant he wouldn’t be able to eat his own dinner.

Come to think of it, his plate is still on the table.

“So what did Dad say?” Fay says it wearily, barely looking at her brother as he continues to put the rest of the gifts under the tree.

Justin shrugs slightly.  “I’d rather not talk about it right now. Let’s just enjoy the holiday.”

“Are you going to let him do this?”

It takes him a minute to rise up from the floor and turn to face his sister again.  I just look at the floor, debating if I should step out of the room or not.  I feel his eyes on me for a few seconds, but I don’t meet his gaze.  I just don’t feel it’s my place to have any type of an opinion, and that includes showing physical remorse for what he’s going through.

“What choice do I have?”

“You’re a good lawyer.”

“Fay…”

“Damn it,” she groans harshly.  “Justin he can’t rule the both of us.  I don’t want you to just…hand Tyler over to Dad like he has every right to him.  We both know what’s best.”

I suddenly realize what Justin and his father were talking about.  A custody battle on Christmas.  That has to be one of the harshest things I’ve ever heard of.  

“It doesn’t matter what’s best,” Justin whispers.  “He’ll ruin me.”

“He said that?”

“Of course he said that.  He’s right, too.”

“You’re a fucking wimp, you know?”

I look up, and see Justin staring back at his sister, his eyes filled with sadness.  I don’t think he knows what to do.  He has a backbone when it comes to a lot of things, like his career, and more recently me, but his father…his father seems to have a type of control over him that he can’t shake.  

“If I take this to court, you know he’ll just win anyway, and he’ll drag Tyler through it to spite me, Fay.  Is that what you want?”

“I don’t want Tyler to go to shool… berwdeng shool…bershin…”  She stops herself and lets out a painful sigh, gazing down at her lap as the tears begin to crawl down her face.  

“Fay.”  Justin goes to her side and holds her face in his hands.  “Come on, look at me. Focus.  The doctor says if you focus it passes faster.”

“I dun cur! Lef ma ‘lone.”  She turns her head away from him, still sobbing.  “Qerter!”

“I’m not a quitter!” He yells back at her as she begins to back her chair away from him.  “You know how it is!”

“Fuck you.” She gets it out clearly this time, boldly, and stares him down with a cold gaze. “You…prewmised may.”

Justin says nothing.  I don’t think he can.  The most he can seem to do is give me a pitiful look before storming out of the room, leaving me there with his sister, who seems more distraught than she did just a second ago.  I have no idea what to do.  I’m usually the one that needs comfort, not a stranger.  

“Mmm shooray.”  She sobs.

“No…you don’t have to be sorry,” I whisper.  “I mean, I’ve never been through a situation like this, but I’m sure it must be difficult.”

She sniffles slightly, and turns her chair back around so she can face me.  “Ken yew wap ma fesh?”

It takes me a moment, but I finally get it.  “Wipe your face?”

She nods.

“Sure.”  I grab a few tissues from an end table and go to her side, gently wiping the trails off her cheeks and the fresh tears from around her eyes.  

She draws in a long breath, and after a moment, she seems to have gotten a little bit of her stamina back because her speech starts to clear up.  “Mmmm…Maggie.”

“Yes.”

She looks at me with this crazy desperation in her eyes, seeming to pull the last of her energy together for the night so she can hold her head high and act somewhat normal.  It’s almost as if I’m her last line of defense, and that’s just nuts because she barely knows me, and I’m definitely not the greatest person to rely on for anything right now considering the emotional wreck I’ve been.  

“Heesh all alone,” she whispers, her voice trembling as she tries to keep the slurring at bay.  “It may not sheem like it, but he ish.  He’s terrified and…and ‘m ’bout to go into assishted livshing.  Once that happens h-h-he’ll do whatever my father tells him to.  That’s how he’s always been, and…I c-c-can’t hold it against him.  I’ve acshept….ac-c-cepted that.” She pauses and takes a few seconds to catch her breath.  “But he needs….shoom…s-someone to be here for him when shit starts to get hard.  And I know it will g-get v-very hard, very quickly.”

I know what she’s trying to ask me.  She wants me to stick by her brother, no matter what.  The thing about that is, I already do.  Romance aside, he’s my very best friend, and he’s been there for me at my lowest points, regardless of the issues he was dealing with at home.  I’ll do anything to make it up to him.  “I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her softly.  “I care about your brother very much.”

She nods slightly.  “I know you do, but he’s an expert at pushing people away.  I hope you won’t let him.”

“I won’t.” I say it seriously, but something is telling me that she doesn’t completely believe it.

“I’m going to turn in,” she sighs, her voice full of exhaustion.  “Merry Christmas Maggie.  I’ll see you at some point tomorrow.”

“Merry Christmas.”

She gives me a sad little smile, before gliding out of the room.  I can hear Justin talking to her from inside the kitchen moments later.  He keeps apologizing, and she continues to tell him it’s not a problem, that she just wants to go to bed, her speech moving in and out of that slurring phase.  Then it’s silent for, God, what seems like hours.

And then…then he’s just there again, in the entranceway to the living room, but this time I can tell how exhausted he is.

“Are you okay?”

He licks his lips and plasters on his perfect smile for me.  “I’m great, Mags.”

“Please don’t tell me that.” I narrow my eyes at him.  “Justin, if this whole thing with us is going to work, I need you to be honest with me.  I need you to tell me when you feel like you’re losing your mind, because I don’t see how you couldn’t be at this point.”

That smile fades away to nothing.  He’s serious now, almost angry, but I won’t back down.  That’s not what he needs.  He needs someone to be real with him for the first time ever.  Someone besides his sister.  

“It’s not right for me to burden you with my problems,” he whispers.

“Oh but it’s perfectly fine for me to burden you with mine?”

He shrugs and crosses the room so he can plop down onto the couch.  His shoulders sag, he sighs, and then he rubs his face with his hands.  “Helping you through your problems always took me away from mine,” he confesses.  “I never had a problem with it.”

“You can’t hide in my problems anymore.”

He meets my gaze.  “I know, and…I guess that scares me most of all.”

I sit down beside him, and look down at my lap for a few moments, before finding my voice again.  “Your sister is afraid.  She thinks you’re going to push everyone away, and be all alone after she’s out of the picture.”

“She said that to you?”

“Yeah.”

He laughs bitterly.  “She just expects me to move on right away.  That’s the problem.  How am I supposed to? She’s been my whole family for as long as I can remember.  She’s…she’s dying, you know? I feel like I’m losing everything I’ve ever cherished in the world, and then my father wants to raise Tyler instead of me.  I know he’ll get his way regardless if I fight back.  Why put the kid through all of that? It’s easier just to let go.  At least that way, I’ll be able to see him whenever I want to.”

“Giving in means he still has control of your life, Justin.  This is for Fay.  This is about what she wants for her son, and for you.  It has nothing to do with your father.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” He snaps.  “I know this is what she wants, but he…he’s just too fucking powerful.  I can’t win.”

“You can try.”

“I can’t.” He gives me a look that’s telling me to drop it.

“Then you really are a quitter.”

He gives me the harshest glare of our entire friendship.  “I can’t believe you would say that to me right now.”

“How many times have you told me to toughen up and put Hunter behind me, Justin? How many times have you told me I’m a wreck and I need to snap out of it? The tables have turned now, but for some reason you feel like none of that should apply to you!  You can’t just…quit.  Fay is counting on you and so is Tyler.”

“I just don’t think I’m strong enough.” He shakes his head roughly, buries his face in his hands, and then…

Then he just loses it.

Justin sobs long and hard into his hands, and I can’t deny that it frightens me slightly.  That perfect, put together guy is completely gone, and that’s telling me Justin feels just like this, deep down inside, every single day.  He’s never been able to let go before, and I think he needs this, and what’s more, he needs me to stick by him while he does it.

He needs me to tell him that I’m here for him.

I don’t think, I just wrap my arms around him and pull him towards me.  He automatically turns his face into my chest and just…cries so hard into me.  He cries like a baby, and I let him, because I know he hasn’t been able to do this with anybody.  He’s been alone in his suffering, and it’s nearly killed him.

I can’t let him just…dwindle away as Fay gets weaker and eventually passes away.  It would be a crime, because Justin is a good person who deserves to be happy.  

“I don’t want her to die,” he sobs.  “Maggie I don’t want her to die.  I don’t want to lose her.”

I can’t say anything to him, because I don’t have the response that he’ll want to hear.  I can’t say that his sister isn’t going to die, because that would be a lie.  The only thing I can do, is rub his back and kiss the top of his head as I whisper reassurances in his ear.

“I’m right here, Justin, and I’ll continue to be here.  I’m going to help get you through this, but you can’t quit.  I won’t let you.”

“I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

“Look at me.”  I gently pull away from him, and take his face in my hands, just like he did to me in his kitchen hours ago.  “You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

His eyes search mine frantically.  For what I’m not sure, but when he leans in and kisses me with as much passion as he did earlier, I know he believes what I’ve told him.

“I care about you,” He presses his forehead against mine as our lips part and sniffles.  “I care about you more than anyone I’ve ever known, besides my sister and Tyler.  I want you to know that.  I’m…I’m so sorry, Mags.  I’m sorry I kept it from you…I’m sorry I kept all of this from you.”

The tears escape from my eyes and glide down my face.  “I care about you too.”

He smirks through his tears, before reaching out and brushing my tears away with the tips of his fingers.   Then he kisses me, and I fall away from the glistening Christmas lights and the sound of the crackling fire.  My world is a blur, and the only thing that makes any sort of sense is Justin.  We kiss until we can’t seem to anymore, and then he’s cupping my face in his hand, his gaze asking me if he should move forward with tonight. I can feel him pressing up against me, rock hard inside his pants, and I know what’s coming next.

“Do you want to go up to bed,” I whisper.

He licks his lips nervously.  “Do you?”

Debating is bad.  A million different scenarios pop into my head about what will happen if he takes me up to bed with him.  I could wimp out, or…maybe he won’t like what he sees once we’re naked.  But oh, he’s already seen me naked, right?  I could have a thousand regrets when we wake up, or maybe he won’t even be there when I wake up.  He could tell me it’s too much too soon, and that we should just be friends.  Or maybe I would…

“You’re overthinking this aren’t you?”  He strokes my hair and plants a few gentle kisses on my neck and behind my ear.  

“Yes.”

“Then we’ll wait.”  He continues to kiss my neck.

“There’s no way I can, if you keep doing that.”

He laughs now.  No more tears.

I guess that’s good.

“Do you want to?”  He says it gently, craning his head around to meet my gaze again.  

“Its going to change everything,” I tell him.  “Kissing is one thing…but if we do this, we can’t just be friends anymore.”

“I know.”  He kisses me on the lips.  “But I can’t worry about that.  I want every part of you Mags.  I need to take in every part.”

I feel myself melt into a puddle of goo.  I can barely breathe, hearing him say that to me.  He has no idea how bad that makes me want him, and I feel like I have no more control.  Damn him.  

“Then lets go.”

He smiles.
**********************
December 25, 2014

6:25 am

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY

I can’t sleep.  I haven’t been able to all night.

Maggie is a light snorer.  While most people would find it annoying, I find it adorable, and I want this part of her all for myself until the end of time.  I prop myself up on my side and trace a pattern with my fingers all the way down her beautiful naked back until just above where her ass starts.  So smooth.  Like silk.  I’m obsessed.  Despite the fact that she fell asleep hours ago, I haven’t been able to sleep, let alone stop touching her.  She hasn’t seemed to mind, but then again, I think I wore her out.  

I’ve never made love to a woman so passionately before, and I’ve never had a woman give me that same amount of passion right back.  At times I felt we were made to be doing that…all of it.  Our bodies seemed to fit together in all the right places, every touch was electric, every climax was out of this world.  

I never came like that before.  While my dates barely interest me, I can’t deny that I’ve shared my bed with more than just a few women.  None of those experiences can hold a candle to tonight, and it might make me a freak, but I don’t want to spend another night without Maggie at my side.

I just want to love her.  But that’s a lot to throw at her, especially at Christmas, and I can’t afford to scare her away.  My breakdown in the living room was bad enough.  I’ve never cried in front of anyone before, besides Fay.  It was a lot for me to grasp, that Maggie wanted to be there for me, and support me…get me through the moment.  

I hope like hell that she’ll stick around after this.  She warned me, said things will change, and I was ready to accept that. I’m ready for the changes even now, but I have no idea if she is.

I guess I’ll find out.

I kiss the nape of her neck, and she moans sleepily, turning over in my arms and resting her head against my bare chest.  Her eyes drift open after a while, and then she’s gazing right back at me.  I find I can’t hold back my smile from her anymore.  “Hi.”

“Hey.”  She rasps, allowing the smile to creep across her lips.  “Did you sleep?”

“No,” I chuckle, and let my fingers travel through her messy hair.  “I was busy watching you do it for the both of us.”

“You’re obsessed with me, aren’t you?”

“You already knew that,” I laugh.

She reaches up and pulls my face close to hers, and I don’t hesitate to kiss her again, and again.  I can’t get enough of her, naked in my bed, ready for sex.  It’s like a dream come true, and I’m totally ready to pick up where we left off hours ago.  

“UNCLE JUSTIN!”

Bang bang bang

“Shit.”  I groan and lean back against the pillows.

“UNCLE JUSTIN! WHY’S THIS DOOR LOCKED?”

The handle on my door begins to jiggle.  

“It’s Christmas,” I laugh softly, gazing back into her eyes.  “I forgot.  I really did.”

“I can’t say I blame you.” Maggie smiles up at me.  “I sort of forgot too.”

“Merry Christmas.” I whisper.

“Merry Christmas, Justin.”

We fall back into a deep kiss, both of us completely forgetting about the nine year old outside my door that wants to open his gifts.  

Bang Bang Bang

“Maybe we can watch him open gifts, and then get back to what we’re doing,” Maggie laughs.

“I don’t make Matilda come in on Christmas.  I gotta get Fay going,” I groan.  “She’ll never forgive me if she doesn’t get to see Tyler open his gifts. Getting her ready takes about an hour, if she’s feeling okay.”

“Well after that.”

“Gotta take Tyler to my parents,” I say, in-between kisses.  

“After that?”

I chuckle.  “Definitely.  I’ll make a drama free dinner, how about that?”

She narrows her eyes at my seductively.  “Will you feed it to me in bed?”

She’s bad.  I never would have thought she could be this way, flirty, sexy, and kinky, but damn, it’s like she wants to eat steak and drink wine naked in my bed and fuck…fuck I don’t have the time to kill another boner right now.  “You can’t say that shit to me right now.”

She laughs.  

“What are you laughin’ at?”

Her response is a devilish grin and nothing more.

“UNCLE JUSTIN! I WANT TO SEE MY PRESENTS NOW!”

I let out a large breath.  “Oh fuck it.”  

“Justin!”  Maggie cackles.

I dive right into her, ignoring the banging, ignoring everything, so I can focus on Mags.  I take her quickly, but tenderly, biting down on my lip to keep from crying out, and I know she’s doing the same.  

“Oh God,” she pants.  “You can’t just sneak up on me like that.  Jesus.”

I lean back and pull her close, panting harshly.  “Your fault.  Talking about eating naked in bed and shit.”

“I never said that directly, you conjured up that vision on your own.”

“I hate you.”  I can’t hide my smile.

“I know.”

I give her one last kiss.  “I’m going to get Fay dressed.  You can use the shower right through there.” I point toward my bathroom.  “You gonna be okay?”

She props her head up with her hand and gives me a dazzling smile.  “I’ll survive,” she chuckles.  “See you downstairs in a bit.”

My heart sinks as she pulls herself out of my arms and rolls out of bed.  I can’t help but stare at her as she makes her way toward the bathroom, stunningly naked and beautiful from head to do.  When she slips behind the door and it closes, that’s when I know I have to face reality and come down from my Maggie cloud, at least for now.

Bang Bang Bang

I yank my boxers and my undershirt on and stagger out of bed and over to the door, throwing it open to greet my nephew.  He looks impatient and pouty, like I suspected he would.  “Buddy it’s still early,” I tell him.

“I heard you talkin’,” he crosses his arms.  “I wanna open presents!”

“Well let me get mommy ready, okay?”

He shrugs.  “She’s still sleeping.”

“Well I’ll see if I can get her up.  She wants to see you open your gifts, all right bud? You can go get some cereal but I don’t want you opening anything until everybody is ready.”

He groans.  “Okay.”

I smile and ruffles his hair.  “See you in a few minutes.”

He rushes away.  “Hurry up!”

I laugh slightly and shake my head as I make my way down the hall and to Fay’s bedroom.  For the first time in months, I feel a little more free.  It’s like, I have someone to turn to now, regardless of our relationship status.  On Fay’s hardest days, I know I can turn to Mags, talk about it, and work my way through my feelings.

I feel so damn lucky.

“Fay.”

I knock on her door gently before pushing the door open and entering the room.  Fay is asleep, just like I left her last night, her hospital bed more upright than it has been in the past because the doctor said it would help the fluid to flow out of her mouth if she started to drool in her sleep.   Sure enough, her chin and night bib are practically soaked in the stuff, and I rush to her side to clean her up.

“Hey, Fay.”  I smile slightly and run my hand across her cheek.  “You wanna get up? I don’t know how much longer I can keep our little monster out of the presents.”

Her eyes open slowly and she looks up at me, her expression tired, and weak.  She’s just about had it with this battle, and I can’t deny it anymore.

“Merry Christmas.”  I kiss her cheek.

“Mmmmm…Mmmmm….”  She tries to form the words, but she just can’t seem to do it.  She shakes her head roughly.

“Take your time,” I whisper, desperately trying to hold every emotion back for her.  

“Mmmm….”  She shakes her head again.

This could be it.

The doctors told us.  They told us but I didn’t want to believe it.  They said one day she could wake up and not be able to speak anymore.  That the muscles in her throat would start to shut down and speech would be the first thing to go.

It’s gotta just be another bad day.

But even on her worst days, I’ve never seen her this way.

“Just take a deep breath.”

She just shakes her head.

“Fay?”

“Mmmmm.”  Her eyes fill with tears.

She just can’t do it.  

It’s Christmas Day.  She can’t talk anymore, and the last real conversation we ever had was a fight about me quitting on her.

Jesus.

I’ll never forgive myself.

She throws her head back and begins to make grunting sounds in her throat, as loud as she possibly can.  It’s horrible and makes my skin crawl.  She’s doing it because she knows how bad this is going to be from here on out.  She’s lost all hope.

“Fay…shhh…”  It’s all I can do.  I try to hold her and she just shakes her head violently.  It’s the only part of her that she has any control over now.  “I got you…I promise. I’m right here.”

She turns her head roughly to jerk me off.  I do it.  I back off, and stare at her.  She gazes back at me desperately, gritting and struggling, trying to make her mouth open.  Then, miraculously, it does, but it just hangs there.  She can’t close it.  “Aauuuuuuu.”

I know she wants me to call Benjamin, but God damn it, that’s the last call I want to make.  “Not today, Fay.  Please.”

“Aaaaaaaaaauuuu.” She groans it angrily at me and she shakes her head so hard that her upper body slumps forward onto the bed and of course can’t pull her self back up again.  Her jaw still hangs open, and the drool dribbles out of her mouth and onto the bedding.

With shaking hands I gently pull her upright and back against the pillows.  I push her jaw closed gently, but it simply falls open again and she can’t close it. Her head falls down at her chest and she lets out a defeated groan.

The paralysis is taking over now, completely.  

“Uncle Justin! I…”

I turn.  Oh fuck.  No.  Tyler is standing there, a half opened Christmas gift in one hand, and even though he wasn’t supposed to touch them, I can’t even say anything about it right now.  “Ty…go back down.”

“Mommy?” He looks around me, and his eyes widen when he sees the condition she’s in.

“Tyler go back down, I said.”

“Uuuuuuuuurrrrrr.” I can hear Fay groaning from behind me, trying to make him leave.

“What’s wrong with her?” He whimpers.  “What’s wrong with my mommy?”

“Tyler I said go back downstairs.”  I say it to him gruffly, and then push him out into the hall as gently as I can, closing and locking the door behind him.  I can hear him crying now, but it’s better he’s removed from the situation for the time being.

“Urrrrrrr.  Aauuuu.” Fay is groaning it at me, over and over.

I know I don’t have a choice but to call my father.  He’s set everything up.  She can be moved today if that’s what the situation calls for.

I know she’ll be gone by morning.

“I don’t want to make this call,” I whimper.

“Ooooo.”  She nods rapidly.  “Oooooaaa.”

She’s teling me I have to.

I scratch the back of my head, and then I go to the nightstand, pick up the phone and stare down at the key pad.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, or accept.  The only thing keeping me sane right now is the thought that Maggie is one room away, she cares about me as much as I care about her, and she’ll be here to support me while I watch the paramedics arrive to deliver my sister to her new home.

I dial.

“Hello?”

It’s him.  “Dad.”

“Son,” he says gruffly.  “Have you given more thought to our conversation?”

“Fay’s speech is completely compromised,” I whimper.  “She wants to go.  Today.”

“Are you sure it’s not just another spell?”

“It’s not.”

“Well…” He trails off and clears his throat.  “I’ll make the call and head over to you right after.”

I hang up on him,  Fay continues to groan and sob because she’s terrified of what’s happening to her.  They say ALS patients eventually feel trapped inside their bodies, and that’s exactly what’s happening to Fay right now.

I can’t even do anything.  I can’t comfort her, because she’ll just want me to get away from her.

I walk out into the hall in a daze, pulling the door closed behind me.  It muffles Fay’s groans, but not by much.  I don’t even realize that my back has hit the wall until I find myself sliding down it, crying hysterically into my hands once I hit the floor.

“Justin, my God… Is that Fay?”

I look up and she’s there, standing in front of me.  Tyler is at her side, clinging to her leg, whimpering.

“She can’t talk,” I shake my head and meet Maggies gaze.  “Fay can’t talk.  They’re coming to bring her to Verdan now.”

She’s right by my side in an instant, Tyler huddled close to the opposite side of her, and she puts her arms around me as I throw myself into her, burying myself as far into her as I possibly can for comfort.

“I’m right here.” She whispers.  “I love you.”

And I know I love her too.

December 25, 2014

10:15pm

Timberlake Residence

43 Berry Hill Rd, Oyster Bay, NY


I haven’t thought about work at all, and that’s a first for me on Christmas night.  Normally I’d be gathering my notes and preparing myself for any end of year business that needed attention in the morning.  Not today though.  There’s been no room for it.  

The only thing I’ve been able to focus on, has been Justin.  I know Fay was right in what she said.  He doesn’t have a single person in his life that he can count on to be there for him now that she’s gone.  His parents are entirely too self absorbed to deal with how much this is effecting their son, and Tyler…Tyler is just a child.  He can’t grasp his own emotions, let alone his Uncles.

If I wasn’t here, he’d be completely alone, and that scares and angers me all in one.  It’s not right.  You’re supposed to be able to depend on your family during times of crisis.  I mean, my parents and I aren’t huge talkers, but at the end of the day they would be there for me if I was in need.  I’ve been thinking about them a lot today, and my sister too.  When I get back home, I think I’m going to make plans to visit them.  I want to tell my parents how much I love them, and try to be closer with my sister because she’s the only one I’ve got.

If nothing else, Justin has taught me that family is precious and they can be ripped away from you in a second.

Watching the EMT’s load Fay onto a stretcher and cart her out of the house brought Justin to his knees in the middle of the living room.  He just couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t blame him.  I was still holding tightly onto Tyler, while he cried into my side.  For some reason he felt safe with me, and I didn’t take it for granted.  I knew Justin and Fay would rather me comfort him, than have their parents try to do it.

It’s been hours since then.  Justin has been on and off the phone all day, arguing with his father about Tyler and talking to Fay’s doctors about what’s going on with her.  He hasn’t told me much, but I haven’t asked a lot of questions.  I kept Tyler busy, opening his presents with him so his mind could be taken away from the fact that his mother isn’t here anymore.  It didn’t really help.  Tyler barely smiled, and he went up to bed a little while ago on his own.  He told us he was tired, but we knew otherwise.  Justin went up to tuck him in, but it didn’t take long for him to return.  He told me that Tyler fell asleep quickly, most likely exhausted from the emotions of the day.  

“I meant to give you a really nice stress free holiday.” Justin sits down next to me on the couch and sighs heavily.  “It’s been anything but that, and I know I can’t make it up to you.”

“Nothing that happened today was your fault.”  I stroke his face gently and put my best smile on for him.  “It was just bad timing, that’s all.”

He nods slightly.

“Besides, coming home with you wasn’t all bad.  We had our moments.”  

He manages a small smirk.  “Several moments.”

“How did Fay settle in, did they tell you anything?”

He shrugs.  “I mean, she’s there, at Verdan.  She has a private apartment and everything, but it’s not like she can get up and walk around.  Her doctor told me they are going to give her eye scan technology that she can use to communicate with going forward, but I have no idea what that is or how it works.  Inside she’s my sister, nothing has changed, she just can’t move or talk.  This will help I guess, but I know Fay.  She’s going to feel like a prisoner, and I…I can’t do anything to help her this time.  Then my father keeps calling me about Tyler.  He wanted to take him today…I mean, fuck, Fay just left.  I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him.”    He shakes his head roughly.  “I don’t know what’s going to happen now.  I don’t know if I can hang on to Tyler for much longer, because I know my father and he’s going to do whatever he has to, so he can get his way.”

“You’re going to fight,” I whisper.  

“Yeah.”

I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s falling apart inside.  But do I yell at him? I don’t think I can.  I saw what happened to him today.  He basically lost the only family that’s ever gave a damn about him. In the coming days, he could fall into an even deeper depression, and I doubt that will leave him the energy to tend to a severely traumatized nine year old.  Still, Tyler’s place is here with his Uncle.  That’s where he’s the happiest, and Justin’s father is only going to try to turn him into an elitist, a miniature version of himself, and Tyler is too young to grow up so fast.  

“I know it’s hard.” I slowly take his hand and lace my fingers through his.  “And the next few days are going to be even harder, but that kid is probably the most important person in your life right now.  If you let your father take him away, it’ll kill you.”

“What if he’s right,” Justin murmurs.

“What’d you mean?”

“I mean, what if my father is right? If I sign on for the partnership, when will I be home to spend quality time with Tyler? I know how cases can go and how wrapped up I get in them.  Is it fair to make him wait around for me, and have Matilda babysit him until I get home? I mean, as it is, I’d probably have to ask her to move in here.  The more I think about it, the more my father is starting to make sense, and I…I fucking hate that.  You have no idea, Mags.  I don’t want him to be right, but at the end of the day, I just want what’s best for Tyler.”

“It’s what Fay wanted though,” I whisper.  “She wanted you to take care of her son.”

“I know that, but when you’re sick, you’re desperate.  We both hate our father, and she never wanted him to get control of her son.  Things don’t always work out the way you want them to.”

“You’re quit…”

“I’m not quitting!” He rips his hand from mine and gives me a dark look.  “Maggie can’t you just listen to me for five seconds! Jesus, you meet my sister once and automatically side with her on this!  I’d love nothing more than to be Tylers whole family, but if I take the promotion I won’t be able to give him much of a family life! That’s all I’m saying! At least if he’s away at school he’ll have people around him.  Strangers, yes, but they’ll be his age and I’m praying he’ll be as social as his mother was when we were away at school.  It might be good for him.  I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it this way until now.”

I get it.  I do.  Fay has just been so determined to make things work out with Justin and Tyler, that I can’t help but stick up for her.  I can’ t blame her, but perhaps, deep down, she knew things wouldn’t work if Justin took a promotion.  He’s making complete sense right now, and it’s crazy, because he’s had such a trying couple of days.  

“I’m sorry.”

He sighs heavily, and puts an arm around me.  “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“I was putting pressure on you for no reason.  It’s not my place, Justin.”

He kisses the side of my forehead.  “You still want to stick around?”

I chuckle slightly.  “I couldn’t tear myself away from you now if I tried.”

“When you said you loved me…”

“I meant it.” I snuggle into his chest, and stare out at the glowing Christmas tree.  “I still mean it.”

“Are you going to the office tomorrow?”

I feel his lips on the top of my head, kissing me tenderly, and I know the only thing I want to do, is stay right by his side.  “Not if you want me to stay.”

“I need you with me when I go see Fay tomorrow.”

I look up at him.  “Then I’ll be here.”

He smiles, and it’s the first really genuine one I’ve seen on his face all day.  “So that stuff I was saying about not having time for Tyler, there’s a way around that.  I should have brought this out before, but I was frustrated…and acting like a jerk.”

“Understandable.  What’s the brilliant idea?”

“I could quit.”

“You’re not serious.” I whisper, stroking his cheek gently.  “You’ve killed yourself for that place.”

“I have enough saved to start my own business,” he nods.  “I’ve had the money saved for years.  I haven’t touched it, and I haven’t told anyone.  Not even Fay.”

I sit up a little bit.  “What kind of business?”

“A restaurant.  Out in Montauk.  I’ve had my eye on the land for about a year and a half.”  He licks his lips.  “It scares me, that I could probably break ground in a couple of months.  I have a few investors who told me they would jump in as soon as I made the phone call.  They said if things work out, we could probably open a second location in Midtown.”

A restaurant in the Hamptons mixed with Justin’s cooking would equal a cash cow beyond anyone’s imagination.  He has the heart and the drive, he’s just scared.  A part of him is still that little boy that listens to his Daddy.  I already know how badly he needs to make this change, not only for the good of Tyler, but for himself as well.  Cooking is his passion, not practicing law, that’s more than obvious.  

“Justin,” I smile.  “You have to do this.”

“I’ve never gone into something blind.  Law guaranteed me a future.  Restaurants can be risky.”

“You’re not blind.  And how the hell is it a risk? Have you tasted your food?”

He chuckles.  “It’s not that good.”

“Are you kidding? I went to five course dinners in the city with Hunter that didn’t taste as good as your prime rib.  You have a gift, Justin.  Fuck, you need to use it.  I know Fay would want you to do this.  I bet you didn’t tell her because she would have nagged you about it, right?”

“She would have,” he nods.  “I just wanted to keep it to myself for awhile.  At least until she had to move out.  I really wanted them to give you the partnership.  If they had, it would have given me the perfect opportunity to leave.”

“They were never going to give me that partnership.  They never will.”

“I know,” he sighs, and then meets my gaze again.  “That’s why I…I would want you to come with me, if I do this.”

“Come with you?”

“Yeah, you know…work with me.  We could be partners.  You’re really good with the business end of things.  I’ve been watching you, all these years.  I could run the kitchen and you could handle the financial aspects of the day to day business.  We’d split all the profits after the investors get their cut.”

The past week has been a lot for me to grasp.  Between being a mess over Hunter, having Justin come to my rescue when I was drunk in a bathtub, to coming home for Christmas and falling in love with him, I would say I have a lot to think about as it is.  Now he wants me to quit the firm to help him start his restaurant? I don’t know whether I should be flattered or terrified.  I know I love him.  I know that now, even if we’ve moved a little fast.  I’ve known him too long, and my feeling have always been there.  It just took the holidays to bring them out of me once and for all.

But am I ready to give up a law career? I know my days at Harrison and Fink are numbered, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my career back where it should be somewhere else.

“Mags?”

He’s waiting for me to answer him.  

“It’s a pretty big decision, that’s all.”

“Yeah, I’d say so,” he frowns.  “Since I’d be walking away from my career too.”

“Justin…come on.” I narrow my eyes at him.  “I’m not saying no, I’m just saying I need to think about it.  It’s been a crazy day.  Let’s focus on getting through tomorrow, and then we can talk about work, all right?”

He sighs into his hands.  “You must think I’m crazy.”

“No crazier than I’m sure you thought I was, when you found me in that bathtub.  You’re confused and your mind is taking you in ten different directions.  I know how that feels.  You just want to…escape everything, somehow.  It takes a good friend to slow you down.  Thankfully, I had one, and now, you do too.”

He’s able to look up at me after a few moments, and the smirk finds its way onto his lips.  “Are you saying we’re even?”

I nod.  “For now, Timberlake.”

He leans forward, and gently presses his lips to mine, letting them linger for just moments before he pulls away and smiles for me once again.  “Thank you, Mags.”

“Anytime.”

He pulls me to my feet and before I know it, we’re upstairs again, right outside his bedroom, being careful not to wake Tyler before he leads me inside.  I’m not nervous tonight.  Tonight this feels ordinary, going to bed with him.

Tonight, there’s no where else I’d rather be.
************
December 29, 2014

3:30pm

Verdan Long Term Care

Brookville, NY

Barry didn’t ask questions when I called him the morning after Christmas, and he didn’t mention my partnership decision either.  The tone he used with me when I informed him that Maggie was with me and neither of us would be returning to work for at least a week, told me Benjamin had already filled him in about the situation.  He sent his condolences and said if I needed Maggie for support, that was fine.  All he asked is that we let him know when we were ready to come back to the office.

I don’t even know if I’ll be returning, but no one at the office needs to know know that right now.

I guess it’s easier this way.  Crying during a phone conversation with your boss is never cool, even when they like you as much as Barry likes me.

It’s been an adjustment, getting used to Fay how she is now. The past five days have been a challenge for all of us, and it’s been all I could do to keep myself from losing it in front of my nephew.  Naturally, he’s been asking me a ton of questions.  He doesn’t understand why a computer has to speak for his mother now, or why she can’t turn to look at him, or smile.  It’s been really hard trying to make him understand, and I’ve had to have Fay’s doctor step in a couple of times to make the situation less confusing for him.  I know he’s still lost despite my efforts. He’s so young and it’s going to take a long time before he’ll start to be comfortable with the situation.

The thing is, I really don’t know if Fay has that much time left.  I haven’t said those words to anyone, not even Mags.  I guess I can’t face it right now, what the next phase is for Fay, because I know it’s going to be death.  There’s no getting around that.

I just hope to God that we can have one more year.  Or even close to it.

SO SAD BROTHER

:(

The robotic voice fills my ears and it gets me to sit up taller in my seat at her bedside.  A large yellow sad face has shown up on the screen in front of her, and I can’t hold back the smile that creeps across my lips.  “That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

I CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT SOME DRAMA

I laugh.  I actually laugh, and it’s a first for me.  For some reason I’m starting to get used to this.  I guess it’s because we can still talk, in a way, and her personality is still there, despite the fact that it’s all computerized.  I glance at her, expecting to see her little smirk, but it’s not there.  She stares straight ahead, her mouth hanging open, in a catatonic daze.  In the matter of a few days, she lost the remaining control of her head and neck, and is now completely paralyzed from head to toe.  She can blink and move her eyes, and thank God, because otherwise she wouldn’t be able to communicate like this.  The doctors don’t know how long this part of her will last, but I’m praying for as much time as possible.  Her breathing has been severely effected because of the paralysis to her chest muscles, and various tubes run out of her nose and mouth, making her look strangely alien.

She’s still here though.  Alive.  That’s all that matters now.

TYLER?

“Mom took him down to the cafeteria to eat some lunch.”  I reach out and rub the top of her hand, even though she can’t feel it.  “He’ll be back later.”

DID YOU TALK ABOUT CUSTODY?

It would be so easy to lie to her at this stage.  It might be better for her, health wise, if she didn’t know what was going on.  But I’ve never been able to lie to my sister.  We’ve always been very in sync, each others whole family, and lying to her now would make me feel like I’ve turned into my father.

“We’re figuring it out, Fay.”

I DO NOT WANT HIM SENT AWAY

I look down at my lap, the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.  I don’t know what to tell her.  I talked to Benjamin.  We talked about a lot of things that day, and a lot of things were said that I’d never had the courage to dish out to him before.  It’s all Mags.  She gave me a type of strength I never knew I had.  I promised her I would hold my head high that day we agreed to meet and talk about things, that I wouldn’t back down, and I didn’t.  I presented my case very well, almost like I would have in court, while defending a client.  I think I shocked him.  He never saw that side of me coming.  I’ve always been entirely too intimidated.

He’s sort of backed off, hasn’t tried to come take him from me or force me to deliver him to the house, like he was on Christmas Eve.  He’s still hounding me about boarding school, shoving pamphlets and informations booklets at me anytime he sees me.  He wants me to make an appointment with the school that Fay and I attended.  He thinks it’ll do Tyler some good to see the place, that maybe he’ll want to go there on his own, which of course, would make his life so much easier.

I can’t do it.  I can’t bring him to that place and ask him to live there, no matter what my career choice is.  Maybe it’s selfish, wanting him there.

He’s my only real link to Fay now that she’s like this, I know that’s the biggest reason I don’t want him to go.  Is it the best thing for him? I have no idea, and that makes me hate myself.  I don’t want to make selfish decisions when it comes to Tyler.  My parents did when it came to Fay and I, and I’ve never forgiven them.  I want him to be happy.  I have to figure out the best way to make that happen.

“Can I ask you something, without you flying off the handle?”

IT DEPENDS

I roll my eyes.  “Did you ever think, it might be good for him, to go away to school?”

IT WOULD NOT BE GOOD FOR HIM

“Think about it,” I whisper.  “He’ll be around kids his own age, and it’ll take his mind off of…things.”

OFF OF ME

“That’s not what I mean.”

THEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN JUSTIN

I sigh and rub my hands together, choosing my words wisely.  “If I take the partnership, when will I be home to spend time with him? Weekends? How is that fair?  He shouldn’t have to rely on Matilda for everything.  I’m supposed to be the one raising him, but…I can’t, not the way I want to, if I sign on to the firm.”

The robot voice doesn’t respond right away, and I sit in silence at her bedside for a very long time.  I know she’s taking in what I’ve said.  I should have come to my senses sooner, shouldn’t have let it get to this point, but I couldn’t have known that she would…fall apart, on Christmas Day.  

I WANT HIM TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  I WANT HIM TO HAVE WHAT WE DID NOT HAVE.

“Fay, he already does.  He’s happier than we ever were at his age.  I just think we need to look at this school thing more realistically. I’m not saying I agree with Benj…with Dad.  I’m just trying to do what’s best for Tyler.”

YOU ARE TRYING TO DISTRACT HIM.  WHEN WILL HE BE ABLE TO COME HERE IF HE IS AWAY AT SCHOOL? I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I HAVE.

“Fay I’d never keep him away from you for long. I’d make sure he could come at least twice a week, maybe even more.  I’d take as much time as I needed off of work…hell, I’ll take a sabbatical as long as you’re…here.  I have plenty of resources, and the firm will pay me for the time I’m gone.”

WHAT DOES MAGGIE SAY?

My mind is kind of blown.  She barely knows Mags, and all of a sudden her opinion matters.  “Why does it matter what Maggie says?”

I LIKE HER, AND SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.  I KNOW YOU LOVE HER TOO.  HER OPINION COUNTS.

I feel my cheeks begin to burn.  “She…she thinks boarding school might be good on a social scale, for him…if I take the partnership.”

ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT NOT TAKING IT?

I shrug, but then I realize she can’t see me doing it.  “Maybe.”

WHAT WILL YOU DO?

“I’ve been sort of thinking about a business.  My own business.”

A RESTAURANT

My mouth hangs open for a few moments.  I’m a little surprised.  She never said anything to me about this before.  “How did you know?”

YOU ARE BAD AT HIDING PAPERWORK IN THE HOUSE.  I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING WHEN I SAW THE DOCUMENTS.  I DID NOT WANT TO PRESSURE YOU.  I HAVE WANTED TO TELL YOU ALL ALONG, TO GO FOR IT.  WALK AWAY FROM THE FIRM.  IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN KEEP TYLER WITH YOU, AND IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL BE TRULY HAPPY.  DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

“Yeah but Dad…”

YOU HAVE TO STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS.  YOU ARE A GROWN MAN.  YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CAREER CHOICES.  PROMISE ME YOU WILL TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY.

“I-I don’t want to promise you anything,” I whisper.  “What if I can’t keep my word?”

YOU WILL KEEP YOUR WORD.  YOU ALWAYS HAVE.

She’s right.  I know if I went into this, I wouldn’t look back.  I would put my heart and soul into the business, be happy, and one day, pass it along to Tyler.  God willing, Maggie would decide to be my partner.  We could work together and be happy.  It’s this picture perfect vision in my mind.  Nothing is ever that simple of course.

But I have to try.  For Fay, I have to try.

“So what…I just tell Barry ‘thanks for everything’ and walk away?”

BASICALLY.  THOSE JERKS DESERVE TO SCRAMBLE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I laugh.  Frozen in place, laid up in bed and all, she’s still my sister.

DO WHAT YOU LOVE JUSTIN

I nod.  “I will.”

“Look who’s here!”

I look over my shoulder and see Tyler standing in the doorway next to my mother, Benjamin looming behind them.  I know my time alone with my sister is over, and it’s their turn now.

“I love you, Fay,” I whisper.

I LOVE YOU TOO

I head to the door, and ruffle Tyler’s hair a bit.  My mother smiles her waxy smile at me, but for the first time in years, it seems genuine.  When she kisses my cheek it feels different than it has for the last thirty years, and I start to think that maybe this is a good change for the two of us.  

“How is she?” My mother whispers.

“Talkative as ever,” I chuckle.

“Wonderful.” She wipes some of her lipstick off my cheek.  “Do you want to go talk to Mommy, Ty?”

“Yeah!”  He smiles, excited as she leads him over to the bedside, and soon enough Fay is in full on robotic conversation with her son.  He barely seems to notice, he’s just happy to be talking to his mother.

It’s better than nothing.

“Justin.”

I look back at Benjamin, and nod.  “Sir.”

“Have you given anymore thought to our conversation?”

“Some.” I shrug.  “I have a few ideas, I’m just making some final decisions.”

“Such as?”

“I’ll let you know when I’m ready,” I nod.  “Happy New Year.  Is Tyler sleeping at your place tonight?”

“Your mother would like to spend the New Years holidays with him, three or four days.”

“I think that’s a good compromise.  I have a lot of things I need to get in order before I take a trip back to the office.  I’ll pick him up on Friday.”

“Yes, Friday.” My father nods, and simply brushes past me.  He doesn’t look back.
I’ll never have a real relationship with the man, but the fact that we can compromise after all of this, is a miracle in itself.  As I walk out of the room I feel a small sense of accomplishment.  I’m sure when I see Benjamin again, it will be to tell him that I’ve decided to turn my back on the law.

But I won’t regret it.

“Hey.”  

She’s standing in the waiting room, smiling for me when I reach her.  I go to her, immediately wrapping her up in my arms.  Nothing feels better than this.  Nothing in the entire world.  “Hey,” I smile.

“Did you break the news to him?”

“Not yet, but Fay and I talked about it, and she’s on board with the restaurant thing.  She even asked me what you thought about it,” I laugh.  “She likes you.  Breaking the news to Benjamin will come later in the week, but I think I’m going to be okay with whatever his reaction is.  He doesn’t intimidate me as much now.  I just…I can’t live in fear of him anymore, you know? You showed me that.”

“I’m proud of you.” She presses her forehead against mine and smiles.  “I’ve never been prouder, actually.”

“So I guess I’m going to open a restaurant,” I laugh.  “And cook for people.  It’s a scary thought…other people eating my food.  They might hate it.”

“Not possible.” She laughs and kisses me on the lips.  “In fact, just to keep your culinary skills on point, I’m demanding a steak dinner tonight.”

“Oh really?” I raise an eyebrow.  “What’s in it for me?”

 “You’ll just have to wait and see,” she smiles.  “But I think it might be something along the lines of joining forces with a new entrepreneur.”

My heart skips a beat “You want to…come work with me?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and…I spoke to my family last night.  I’ve never really been one for over the phone heart to hearts, but my folks seemed to want to listen to what I had to say.  They think it’s great that I want to try something new, and…they told me that they aren’t disappointed about me leaving Hunter.  It felt good to talk to them, you know? I don’t think I would have if you hadn’t shown me how important family is.  No one has ever been able to open my eyes like this and…I don’t want to give you up, you know?”

I stare at her, at this woman who I never thought in a million years would be here with me right now, and I can’t help but think that she’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known.  “Partners,” I smile.

“Yeah.” She leans in and kisses me gently.  “Partners.”

April 4, 2015

Roslyn Heights Funeral Home

75 Mineola Avenue

Roslyn Heights, NY

“Burgundy is suiting.  A nice touch.  I think she’d like that.”

“Burgundy? She’d never agreed to that.  She hates dark colors.”  

“It’s not meant to be festive,” Benjamin grits.  “It’s a wake.”

The funeral coordinator, a pale, skinny man who’s personality matches this place, shifts his gaze between Benjamin and myself.  Sure, he’s tired.  We’ve been disagreeing about every aspect of this for weeks.  It was supposed to be cut and dry, give the guy the details and the funeral home would do the rest, but it’s been far from that scenario.

There’s not much time left to put all of this together.  He knows that.  Benjamin knows that, and by now, I should know that.

But I can’t let go.

“Perhaps royal blue?” The funeral coordinator suggests.  “Not too dark, just the right amount of brightness to lighten things up a bit.  I have talented staff who will make her look lovely in that color dress.  We can coordinator the color of the flowers to match her outfit as well.”
 
I’m up nights, thinking about the last spoken conversation my sister and I shared.  I think about how much I regret it.  How she was right about me all along.  I am a quitter.  I gave my father exactly what he wanted.  Tyler is up at Valley Hill and my father has taken complete control over his courses, his friends, and his future plans.  I have no say.  I try, but I’m quickly talked down, told to focus on my own life.

I’ve let him take over.

I’ve failed her.  I haven’t had the heart to tell her, and my father…he says that Fay is better off not knowing what’s happening in our lives right now.  She can understand everything we say, she just can’t respond, or move, or breath without a machine, or live her life, so telling her would do more good than bad.  

I’ve asked for an hour alone tomorrow, just me and Fay.  There’s some things I’d like to talk to her about, apologize for, even if she can’t talk back.  Benjamin has granted me that, begrudgingly.  He told me I’m making things harder on my mother.  It’s always about someone else.  Never once has he asked how I’m handling this.  He should know more than anyone how close Fay and I have always been, how fucking hard it’s going to be for me when she’s gone.  He doesn’t care about how I feel.  He thinks I should learn to deal with it, because that’s what he’s doing.

Tomorrow, we’ll pull Fay’s life support.  

There’s nothing I can do.  I stopped fighting weeks ago.  I had to, because it was the only way I could force myself to stop drinking, and I had to stop if I wanted Maggie to stick around.  I had to stop if I wanted to focus on the restaurant too.  Despite all of this, the business is the one thing that hasn’t fallen into disarray.  The construction is going as scheduled, we just hired our head chef and are almost finished hiring our sous chef, maître d' and wait staff.  Maggie is mostly to thank. While I’ve been a mess, fighting with my father and crying myself to sleep, she’s taken charge and made sure things continued to go as planned.  Sure, it’s her livelihood on the line as well.  If this fails we’ll both be scrambling back into law practice, but I think she’s putting all this effort in for other reasons.

Reasons that are more important than money.

I mean, she said yes.

She said yes and I’m still baffled.  I acted like a complete fucking idiot, and I had no business proposing that day.  In fact, I had no business buying a ring at all during that time frame.  To think she would want to marry me while I was off drinking and giving her a bad attitude the rest of the time was selfish.

But she still said yes.

No one has ever really loved me before, not like this.  When I was a kid, my parents idea of compassion was a pat on the head and a small smile.  There were no hugs or kisses, no bedtime stories or coddling when I was sick.  When I grew older women were always attracted to me physically, but they never wanted to get to know me.  The me inside.  It’s always been about my looks and my status, apart from Mags.  She sees the me inside, like Fay always has.  She’s the only one and I love her so much for that.   Am I desperate? Is that why I proposed to her, so I’d have more reassurance that I wouldn’t lose her? I ask myself the question all the time, and that’s bad.  I shouldn’t be this insecure.  When Maggie decides to do something, it’s because she wants to.  There’s no second guessing with her.

But am I second guessing this? Am I not ready for this?

I don’t have much time to think about it.  I’m tangled in a web of emotions that I can’t escape from.  I think about Fay, my father, and the fact that I’m not around for Tyler, constantly.  At the end of the day, Maggie is there with her arms open just for me, and I only have the strength to fall into them and try to hide from everything.  She’s letting me do it, doesn’t complain about how much work I’m not doing when it comes to the restaurant, and that alone proves she’s completely committed to our relationship.

If she knew how I felt, she would probably laugh and tell me I worry too much.

“Justin, I don’t agree with the color, but I’m exhausted, and ready to put this thing to bed,” Benjamin finally says.  “If you want a brighter color, so be it.”

I glance up at him. “This thing?”

He lets out a disgusted chuckle and sticks out his hand for the funeral coordinator to shake.  “Mr. Becker, thank you for your time.  I’ll be in touch shortly.”

I rise up from the chair, and stand in Benjamin's path before he can walk away.  “That’s what Fay has been to you all this time? A thing?”

“Son, I really don’t have time for this.  Your mother is a wreck and I need to get back to the house.”

“You never gave a fuck. I don’t see why you suddenly care now.”

He shoves past me, but I turn and catch him, yank him hard on the shoulder so he’s forced to spin around.  “Stop ignoring me!  All you ever do is walk away!”

“The thing I was referring to was Fay’s dress color.”  He doesn’t raise his voice, or cross his arms, or even stare me down in that intimidating way that I’m used to.  “I have never referred to your sister as a thing, nor am I about to start.  Justin, I understand that you two have always shared a special connection, and I’ve known from the beginning how hard it was going to be for you when Fays time came.  I’m not a compassionate person, I’ve never been that kind of a man, and I’m never going to be.  I’m sorry that you’re losing her.  I don’t want to lose her any less than you do, as much as you might like to think otherwise, but fighting with me at every turn isn’t going to change the fact that she’s basically gone.  You have to accept that now, son, for your own sanity.”

The truth hits me hard, ripples through my body and shakes me to my very core.  He’s never been this open with me before, this real with me before.  It’s the closest I’ver ever come to receiving some sort of fatherly compassion in my life, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Part of me wants to punch him, another part wants to scream and tell him that I hate him, and then the smallest part of me wants to tell him that I love him.  

But I won’t do any of that.

“I’ll see you in the morning.”  It’s barely more than a whisper, and then I’m the one turning my back on him.  I walk away, out of the funeral home, and out to my car.  He doesn’t come after me, doesn’t try to stop me, and I wouldn’t have expected anything else from Benjamin.  He just doesn’t have it in him.  That conversation right there, is probably the most we’ll have to say to each other for a very long time after tomorrow.  

I try to think of my mother as I get into the Ferrari and start up the engine, how she might be feeling and how I can help her through this.  But it’s almost the same thing.  While we’ve been a little better lately, we’ve never been that close.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin a conversation about Fay with her, or about anything really.  I can’t talk to my mother.  I can’t talk to Benjamin.

There’s only Mags.

I’m terrified that I’ll forget how to talk to her too.  It’s messed up.  My fucking dream girl.  The one I seemed to love more than life itself just a few months ago, now seems almost distant to me despite the fact that we’re engaged.  I swore to myself that I was going to be the man for her.  The one who would show up Hunter in so many ways, and treat her the way she deserved.  It’s seemed so forced these last couple of days, every smile, every sentence.  I’ve been trying to keep my fiancé face on in the wake of my sisters death.  I mean, is that right? Does Maggie expect me to keep on smiling despite what’s happening tomorrow?  I just…I have no clue.  I don’t know how to talk to her about it.

I feel like I could push her away at any moment because that’s how I deal with shit, and at this point, that would make me even worse than Hunter.  I’ve already crossed the line.  I went to meet her parents, naturally we hit it off great.  They’re normal, down to earth, and seem to care about Maggie a lot.  They want to help with the wedding plans, and were adamant about coming down to pay their respects to Fay even though they weren't able to meet her before she got sick.  That means their invested in me…in us.  They’re like family now.  I’ve never had that…a kiss on the cheek from her mother who looks at me like she would her own son, or a pat on the back from her father who gives me that ‘atta boy’ smile and offers me a beer while we watch the basketball game together, like father and son.

In those moments, I’ve almost been able to forget Fay, and the pain.  It’s felt good to see Maggie smile at the end of those days as she’s leaned her head against my chest, telling me she’s glad that she can share her family with me.

But those moments can’t last forever, and then it’s just me and the pain again, and I hide it from the love of my life, because I’m terrified of what I’ll do if I show her just how bad I’ve gotten.  I couldn’t hide the drinking.  Not with the stench and the bloodshot eyes, and the fatigue.

But I’ve found that it’s extremely easy to hide this from her…from everyone.  It’s not the first time I’ve gone on a binge with Cocaine.  Studying for and passing the Bar takes a lot of effort when your Benjamin’s son, and sometimes, a little bit of artificial stimulation is the only option I had to keep me going during that last year of law school.

I’m not saying it’s right and I’m not saying that I’m a great guy.

I just need something.  

I take it out of the glove box, and my phone rings.

“Hey baby.”

I feel the smile pull at my lips as I tap some out on the top of the dash.  “Hey.” I cradle the phone between my neck and shoulder, and begin to roll the bill up into a tight tube.  

“How’d it go,” Mags asks, the hesitation seeping into her voice.  “Did you get everything settled, finally?”

“For the most part.  Can you hang on a sec, baby?”

“I uh…sure.”

“Hang on.”  

I put the phone on the back seat, and take my time snorting up the white lines from the dash.  I lean back against the seat after, close my eyes, and let the rush hit me.  It all melts away, how angry I am, how tense I am…I feel my body start to go numb and it makes me smile.  I reach for my phone and press it back to my ear again.  “Hey sorry.  I was just getting situated in the car.  I’m on my way back.”

“Oh okay, well I shut things down at the construction site for now, until…we’re ready to start up again.”

“Shouldn’t be more than a week.”

“Well…let’s just see how things go.”

I lick my lips and stop at the first traffic light.  The sweat begins to bead on my forehead, my mind is swimming in numbed bliss, and I can’t think about how things are going to go, only that everything is just going to be fine.  “Everything is gonna be fine, Mags,” I promise her.  “I’ll be home soon and we can have dinner.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“All right.”  

“I love you,” she says quietly.

“I love you too.  See you in a bit.”

I click off.  It takes literally seconds, before I start to feel like a lying piece of shit.  There’s a lot the drugs can hide, can numb, but they can’t change the fact that I’m not being honest with the one person who has always been honest with me.
*******************
April 11, 2015

Timberlake Estate

10 August Ln, Old Westbury, NY

“Cake?”

“I’m okay.”

“Oh come now.  Have some cake.”

“No, thanks.”  I flash her a tight, but thankful smile and it’s enough to make her move on to the next person.  

What is it about post funeral receptions and cake? Is it the magical solution to the loss of a loved one? Will stuffing your face full of calories and adding on a few pounds drown out the fact that you’re a raging mess of emotions?  I’ve had four pieces since this thing started, because I was too polite to say no, and I don’t feel any better about this situation.  Maybe I’m not supposed to feel better though, just slightly comforted, a little warmer inside?  It’s so fake.  Why cover it up? It’s shit.  All of it.  She was too young, her son is too young to grow up without her, and her brother is lost now that she’s gone.  There’s no reason to cover all of that up, because eventually, it’s going to come rushing back, probably even worse than before.  

I didn’t go to Verdan with Justin that day they pulled her off life support.  I thought it best to give him his space.  He didn’t beg me to go with him, not that I thought he would.  Actually, he seemed thankful to have that time just for himself.  The night before had been strange.  He’d come home after that meeting with the funeral director, and I could tell it had worn him down.  Justin wouldn’t admit to it.  He devoured dinner, and then, when I said that we should talk, all he wanted to do was take me to bed.  He had so much energy, it seemed like it was coursing through his veins, ready to explode, as he devoured me in our bed.  I let him.  I didn’t know if it was healthy, or the best thing, or whatever…but I just…let him.

It’s been this way between us in bed for awhile, but I haven’t said a thing about it.

It’s been a week.  My parents were here yesterday for the wake, and it was the first time I saw Justin smile since the day Fay passed.  I knew it was a show.  He was good at that.  He wanted to please them, for my sake.  I wanted to tell him that it was okay to be in mourning, but didn’t want to push things.  We had barely talked since the day she passed.  All he wanted to do was sleep, curled into me, and I didn’t hold it against him.

“Broccoli cheddar casserole?”

It’s another relative or family friend that I’ve never met before.  Justin has pretty much failed in the ‘introducing me around’ department.  To be honest, when we arrived here at his parents estate following the funeral, he left me to fend for myself.  I don’t have the heart to be upset with him, though.  Not today.  “No…no thank you,” I smile gently.  “I’m pretty stuffed.”

She shrugs and wanders off, and I take the opportunity to escape and find my fiancé before I can be bombarded by another wandering comfort food confidant.  I wander through the massive downstairs rooms that makes up Justin’s parents estate, and only find more people, cakes, and pies.  At one point I spot Benjamin and his wife standing with Tyler, talking to a group of relatives, but Justin is nowhere to be found.  I’m about to ask if they’ve seen him, even though they are the last people he would want me to ask at this point, but then I spot him through the french doors that lead out to the back of the house.  He’s sitting alone, on a stone bench in the garden, and I can already see the plates of food stacked beside him.  I don’t hesitate to go to him, and nobody pays me any mind as I make my through the room and out the doors.  I may as well be invisible.  Justin may as well be too.

“Hey.”

He slowly looks up, and his eyes widen slightly when he sees me standing there.  It’s almost as if he’s surprised I made the effort to find him.  I’m not sure I understand.

“I um…I thought you would have been making the rounds with my folks.”  He quickly looks away, and picks up the beer bottle sitting between his feet.

“Are you kidding? Your parents don’t want me around.” I scoff slightly and move some of the cakes over so I can sit at his side. “I stick out like a disease in there I guess, because people have been trying to pawn their food off on me for the past three hours. Other than that, no one has made an effort to find out what I’m actually doing here.”

“Sorry.”

His tone is less than believable, and he begins to chug the beer down.

“Justin,” I sigh, and put my hand on the bottle, forcing him to lower it away from his mouth.  “You don’t have to be sorry, okay? Today, this week…none of it is about me.”

“Yeah,” he whispers but won’t look me in the eyes.  “I know that.”

“I just wish you would talk to me a little bit.”

“What do you want me to say?”

I chuckle a little bit, slightly annoyed at his response.  “It’s not about me wanting you to say anything.  I just know that you’re bottling up…a lot right now.  We’ve barely spoken at all this week, and I’m fine with giving you space.  You know that.  It just worries me, that’s all.”

“I’m fine, Mags.  I’m handling it fine.”  

He seems almost put off by my little speech.  Should I have expected this attitude from him? I’m not sure.  It’s been so up and down lately.  “Well I figured we were engaged, so you might be comfortable talking to me for just a few minutes.”

He glares at me.  “Just because I put a ring on your finger doesn’t mean I have to talk to you about every single thing.”

It’s something we’ve talked about, this attitude of his.  I told him I wouldn’t tolerate it, but today…today I should be able to give him a pass.

It hurts though.  I can’t deny that hearing him say that to me, after everything, really hurts.

“Okay.” I nod slightly and get up, fix my skirt and sigh.  “I’m just going to head back home, all right?  Take however long you need, and I’ll just…see you later.”

He sighs harshly.  I know he’s at war with himself right now, but I don’t have a clue how to help him, because he isn’t letting me in.  Fay warned me.  She said this is what Justin does best, but I stuck with it, because I fell in love with him.

Did I make a mistake?

“Look.” He stands up and looks me in the eye this time.  “I’m going through something right now.”

“I know.  I just hope that eventually, you can talk to me about it.  It doesn’t have to be today, but if this is going to work…you can’t…you can’t hide from me forever.”

“And if I can’t talk to you about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I decide I can’t talk to you about it, then what?”

The tears sting my eyes but I hold them back.  This isn’t the guy that I fell in love with.  This isn’t my best friend.  The fun loving guy that used to take me to happy hour and laugh the week away with me is gone.  He’s been replaced with this stone cold, semi drunk, depressed mess.  I can’t blame him right now, but I have the worst feeling that he’s not going to bounce back, and how the fuck is our relationship supposed to survive like that?

“Why would you decide that?”

He looks away for a moment.  “I have my reasons.”

“I thought you loved me.”

“I love you more than anything.”

He’s officially confused the hell out of me.  “Then what’s the problem?”

“I don’t know if…”  He shakes his head and sucks in his bottom lip for a moment.  “I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Ready?”

“Mags I—“  This time he sobs.  “I don’t know if I can marry you.  I don’t know if I’m the right guy for you.  Maybe I rushed it.  Maybe I was afraid if I didn’t, I’d lose you.”

“What…”  I trail off and shake my head in disbelief.  Is he being serious? He can’t be.  It’s gotta be the emotions of the day.  “Justin, it’s been a rough week okay?  You’re not thinking straight right now.”

“I need some time, probably longer than you’re willing to put up with, Maggie.  I’m not about to make you wait around for me.  You deserve better, all right? I—I love you enough to let you go.”

I feel the first tear glide down my cheek.  “You’re serious,” I whisper.

“I’m serious.”

“I’m not letting you do this to us,” I whimper.  “No!”  I shove him a little, and he lets me do it.  “You’re confused…you—-“

He pulls something out of his pocket then.  A small glass vile filled with a white powder, and I’d be a fool to pretend I don’t know what it is.

“This is how I’ve been coping.” His voice trembles.

“How long?”

“Months. Since I stopped drinking.”

I just stare at him, disappointment more than resentment, filling my mind.  I didn’t catch it, but maybe I wasn’t looking hard enough.  I turned a blind eye to his paling complexion, to his sudden lack of appetite, and his sudden urges for hours of sex with me during some of his most depressing days.  I should have questioned it a long time ago.

But I didn't want to.

“I can’t do this and be with you, Mags.  I can’t do it anymore.”

I stare at the vile again, and then back at him.  “Then stop.”

His nostrils flare and he puts it back in his pocket.  “I need it.”

“More than you need me?”

His eyes meet mine again, and for the first time, I see something inside of him crack.  “I wish I knew.”

It’s the last thing I expected him to say.  

“We can still be business partners,” he says softly.  “The restaurant can still work out.”

“Keep it all,” I spit at him. “I don’t want any part of it.”

“Mags.”

I tug at the diamond around my finger, and throw it at him the second it comes off.  “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

His shoulders slump in defeat, but I don’t even give him a chance to try and explain himself.  I know it’s too late for that.

So I make myself walk away, head held high with my tears wiped away.  The strongest lesson my best friend taught me was that letting a relationship die shouldn’t be the end of your life.  You have to pick yourself back up again and move on, because life should be worth more than that.

I really miss that guy.

I always will.

October 15, 2015

4:45 pm

Harrison, Fink, & Timberlake, Attorneys at Law

598 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY

I don’t smile anymore, not on purpose anyway.  They’re fake now, put on, rehearsed and tucked away so they’ll be ready to show off when the moment arises.  The last time I brought out a completely genuine smile was when I saw Tyler on his birthday, and that was almost four months ago.

“Hey buddy!” My smile flew on as I greeted him in my parents Foyer.

“Hi Uncle Justin.”  He didn’t smile, just half hugged me and walked further into the house.  It had only been a few months, but he’d seemed to age years in that time.

I knew it was my fault, but it was too late to change things.  He was deep into school at Valley Hill and was accustomed to a new routine.  I had to simply look the other way, and tell myself that yes, this was the best thing for him.

I’m not a groveler.  I didn’t go chasing after her that day.  I didn’t call.  I didn’t text, or attempt to write a long worded hand written letter expressing all the ways I loved her.

Sometimes I think, hey, you should have, just for the hell of it.

But I didn’t, and after all these months, with all the stuff that’s coming up, I really should stop dwelling on what I should have fucking done, because I can’t go back now, or ever.
r32;I let her go, because I knew that was the best thing I could have ever done for the girl.  She was better than me.  Better than the coke head I was becoming, and I knew that one day Mags would find someone that would cherish her more than I ever could.

No, I’m not a groveler.  Just a sell out.  The second she walked out on me, I knew the restaurant would never work, because my passion for it was completely gone.  I sold my share of the business to the investors shortly after Fay’s funeral and moved the hell on, because I knew it was the only choice I had unless I wanted to wind up in serious financial trouble.  I mean, it was hard enough asking Benjamin to talk to Barry for me about taking the partnership.  If I had to ask him for money on top of that I don’t think I could have lived with myself.

And it was really hard for awhile, living with myself.  At times, hell, most of the time, it still is.

I don’t like to talk about what those first couple of months were like for me.  My shrink hates it, says I hold back too much, but I tell him I don’t even know who the hell I was then.  I look in the mirror now and I see Justin Timberlake, Benjamin’s perfect son who has it all together.  I don’t see that guy who lost his sister, or pushed the love of his life away anymore, and that’s fucking progress, let me tell you.  It took me a really long time to come out of my funk, wake the hell up.  After the funeral, I slipped into this sort of cocaine coma.  I barricade myself in the house and only left to get my fix.  I blacked out a lot, and most of the time, I had no idea what day it was.  I had a couple of good scares, overdoses that led to emergency hospital visits, but I didn’t take any of it seriously until that fifth trip to the ER that almost left me dead.

I suffered a massive heart attack because of the drugs, that required me to have open heart surgery.  I have a pace maker now, at twenty-nine. It took three months of physical therapy to get back to a normal routine, and I received the ass reaming of a lifetime from Benjamin.  He told me it was either go to rehab or quit the drugs cold in private and move on with dignity.  Those were my options, and I knew if I ended up in rehab, I wouldn’t have a chance in hell at becoming partner.

So I just gave up the cocaine…cold.  Rough? That’s not even touching the experience my body went through, getting off that shit.

If nothing else, it taught me enough never to pick it up again.  I really can’t.  The cardiologist told me that any more exposure of cocaine to my heart would be like a death sentence.  I toyed with the idea for about thirty seconds, but figured I’d already let Fay down enough.  If I ended up dead, it wouldn’t have done her legacy any good.  As fucked up as my parents were, they didn’t need to lose another child, and Tyler didn’t need to lose his uncle, either.  So, for the first time in a very long time, I decided to put some effort into myself.  

I decided to try and start my life over.

Benjamin had a nurse stay with me, in my house, for two weeks of detox.  After he was satisfied that I could stand on my own again, he booted my ass out of bed, made me get a haircut and a clean shave, and set up an interview with Barry.

And Barry, God bless him, he gave me that partnership, no questions asked, the very same day that we talked.

It’s been two months since I signed on, and I’ve fallen right back into the swing of being a successful lawyer.  My case work continues to be flawless, and I’m still winning as many high profile cases as before, if not more so.  I don’t deserve any of this, the fresh start, the money, or the cars, or the house.  I deserve to be struggling, to be an addict, after what I did to Maggie, after I went back on my promises to Fay.  Benjamin wouldn’t hear of it.  He lost one child, and he wasn’t about to allow his son, the one with the most promise, to embarrass him.  So he ensured my future.

There will be no repayment to Benjamin.  He’ll hold all of this over me for the rest of his days, rubbing his sacrifices in my face whenever it’s convenient.  I have to live with that, because all of this is my fault.  I had my shot, could have done my own thing.  I had all the means right there in front of me, and an amazing girl to share it all with.

I just threw it away. I threw it away because I was lost, and also because I was selfish.

Sometimes when I’m at dinner with her, and I just…fuck…I just can’t take her mindless BS anymore, I start to think about happy hour, and Mags, and her smile. It takes me away for a little while, helps me relax, and it’s good for my heart, when I relax.  It’s the only way I can continue to tolerate her and my choice.  Well, choice isn’t really the word.  This isn’t the stone age of course.  I’m not in an arranged relationship or anything.  She’s my choice, I guess, but Benjamin had a lot to say about me dating her.  He said it would be good for me, that we had a lot in common, and that I would eventually see that.

I guess I have. Our backgrounds are similar.  Our families are old friends.  We both went to Valley Hill, and attended Yale.  We can talk about all of that, about Yale, about material things, vacations, and yachting. Just not about Fay, but I don't talk about her with anyone.

But what about love?

There’s no such thing as love.  Just what makes sense, and this does.  It does financially, and yes, she’s a beautiful woman, there’s no question.  Nobody has to twist my arm to crawl into bed and do her.  At least I have that, for now.  I mean, until we’re married and she starts holding that all back, like I’m sure she will, because she knows damn well that I’ll never be in love with her.  She’s in this for the money and I’m in it so I’ll be able to have a fucking blood line, nothing more.   

There’s no magic here. No love of my life.  Just generalness.  Just ‘what’s-supposed-to-be’.  One day leads into the next in a mindless circle and nothing ever changes in this world.  We’re on that five year ‘i’m a hot shot lawyer married to a trophy wife’ life plan.  There will be the wedding first, of course. Then we’ll have two kids spaced exactly 2 and a half years apart, careers planned before they’re even out of the womb. After that comes the brownstone in Manhattan, the weekend house in Montauk. Summer trips to the French Riviera and winter trips to Aspen. Me living at the law firm, her decorating and redecorating the house, shopping endlessly for an every growing supply of clothing and shoes, and having the nanny cart our toddlers from one stupid activity to the next since she’ll be too busy bragging about what a catch I am to her friends to spend that time with them.  I’ll never see my kids until retirement comes, and by then, they’ll have turned into miniature versions of myself, thanks to my stern upbringing and the expensive boarding school they’ll have attended for most of their lives.   It’s just like Benjamin always planned for me.  He’s proud I’m turning out this way…his way… after all, and doesn’t think I should have any complaints.

I had my shot at what I really wanted after all, and I fucking blew it.  There can’t be any resentment, except towards myself, and in order to stay healthy, I can’t hate myself. I have too many debts to repay, and too much to live up to now.  I’m filling Benjamin’s legacy, and that’s my only focus.

“Mr. Timberlake?”

I glance away from the computer screen and nod slightly at Shelby before focusing again.  That was the first thing I did after they put my name on the door, promote her as my secretary, because I knew she was the only person in this whole place who really gave a damn about my career.  “What is it, Shelby?”

“You were on the line…did you miss your 4:30?”

“Oh, shit.”  I scramble for my pill box in the right hand drawer.  “Thanks.  I need to remember to set that timer instead of relying on you all the time.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a problem, sir,” she smiles sweetly.  “Have a good weekend.”

I pop open Friday’s tab and pull out my two afternoon pills before nodding at her one last time.  “You too.  See you Monday?”

“Bright and early.” She waves a little and closes the door on her way out of my office.

I pop the pills back with my lukewarm coffee and let out a small sigh once they’re down.  Six pills a day, seven days a week.  Miss a dose, not the end of the world.  Miss a day, and it’s certain to land me in the hospital.  I still have a hard time remembering, and it’s even worse when I’m home.  She yells at me constantly, tells me that I’m going to forget all my dosages one day and then we’ll never have the wedding.  It’s not that I might die no, that’s not her biggest fear.  It’s that we might not have the wedding of her dreams and pump out a couple of little marriage security rug rats.  

I’m not looking forward our wedding, and there’s something very wrong with that, although, I’m sure Benjamin had the same feelings when he was about to marry my mother.  I’ll get used to it, that’s what he would tell me.

I’m sure I will.

Five o’clock turns into half past, and then before I know it, it’s nearly six thirty.  I know I’m in for a lecture before I even get my jacket on and set foot out of the building.  I’m supposed to be meeting her in Soho for dinner with friends at six thirty, something she's been reminding me  about all week.  She’ll tell me that I embarrassed her in front of our friends.  They’re not even people I would ever consider my friends in a million years.  They’re yuppie assholes that I guess someone like me is supposed to associate himself with.  They’re the type of people Benjamin keeps as friends.

I hate this life.  Truly.

The firm’s car service gets me down to Soho, but it’s not quick enough with rush hour traffic still in effect.  They’re on caviar appetizers and cocktails by the time I sit down next to her at seven fifteen, and I receive the classic glare, but I don’t hesitate to pull out one of my carefully preserved smiles for her.  I kiss her neck and lips and rub her bare thigh.  

“You’re late,” she grits through her poised smile.  “Again.”

“Clients.” I nod slightly, and turn to our dinner companions.  “Sorry about this,” I apologize to our friends, not to her.  “I couldn’t get out of the office fast enough today.”

“Don’t sweat it brother.” Elijah Conrad flashes his perfect smile at me and throws an arm around Charmaine Harrison, his bride to be and her maid of honor.  “The brokerage is just as hectic on Fridays, I just happened to sneak out under the radar today.”

“He’s just that good.” Charmaine smiles up at him and they share a brief kiss.

They may not be my kind of people, but I can tell what they have is real.

I envy them.  I’d give anything to have that back in my life.

The conversation quickly turns to dinner selections and our wedding plans.  Charmaine and my fiancé eventually end up in their own little world of crystal selection and china patterns in a magazine one of them brought with them, which gives Elijah the opportunity to talk with me about himself for the rest of our meal.  My timer goes off at eight thirty, warning me that I have to take my evening dosage, and I’ve never been more thankful for anything in my life.  “Excuse me.  I just need to run to the rest room.”

She rubs my thigh slightly, for the first time all night taking her focus off of our lavish, ridiculously expensive wedding plans to focus on me.  It’s strange, because she never really does.  Only in bed, sometimes, after sex, and even then, it seems forced.   “How do you feel?”

“I’m…I’m okay,” I nod slightly.  Of course it’s a lie.  My chest has felt a little tight today, and I’ve been coughing.  I have another appointment with the cardiologist next week, and he said this type of feeling is normal the first year, so I’m not worried, just uncomfortable.  I would never tell her that.

She strokes my face gently, and a small smile pulls at her lips.  “How about Montauk this weekend? My parents said it’s probably the last nice one we’ll have before winter hits.”

I blow out a long breath but don’t pull away from her.  Sometimes I like this, her smiling up at me, stroking my face.  It gives me a small feeling of comfort, and with a heart condition, I need as many of those moments as possible.  “I have some casework…you know how it is.”

I really don’t want to go.

“Baby.” She pouts slightly.  “Please? I’d really like to get away before the holidays start.  You know how crazy it can be, shopping, baking, all of that, and a wedding to plan.  When will we ever have a moment alone again before the wedding?”

I think…sex? Yes.  It works.  I haven’t had any in almost a week and a half, so it’ll be good, take some stress off of me.  “All right.” I pull out just a half smile so I won’t have to put as much effort into it.  “We’ll go.”

She smiles brightly, and kisses me deeply on the lips.  “I know your heart is only half in this right now,” she whispers, while our friends are distracted in conversation.  “But Justin, I’d really like to try.  I’d like us to have something real.”

I stare at her, bewildered.  She’s never said anything like that to me before.  “Where’s this coming from?”

She shrugs slightly.  “I want what they have.  Is that so bad?  I think we can do it if we try.  I think we can really love each other.”

I shrug.  “I have to take my pills.”

She frowns slightly.  “Okay.”

I don’t even have to leave the table to know that this conversation is far from over, but no conversation between us ever really is.  She doesn’t let things go, just keeps pushing and pushing until I either have to give in or have a god damn heart attack, and I’ve worked too hard on myself to die now.

The blessed event is in April, but it may as well be next week since she’s constantly reminding me that it’s right around the corner.  Why did I propose? It’s a good question.  She’s not a bad girl, that’s probably why.  Out of all the fake, manipulative, selfish women that my father has set me up with in the past, she’s been the most genuine and the most tolerable.  We hadn’t known each other more than a few months, but I knew I wouldn’t do better.  So I figured, why not lock her in? I bought the ring on my lunch hour, and I proposed the same day.  No, I didn’t get on my knee, and I barely smiled.  I just told her I thought it would be a good idea if we got marriage out of the way.  I actually said that, and she was actually thrilled. That’s how fucking shallow we both are.

The sex was great though, so bonus for me, although, that’s been the only highlight so far.

I’m never more thankful for the priceless serenity of the mens room.  I pop the pills and slug down some water that the bathroom attendant hands me with a smile.  My chest tightens slightly and I cough, but it passes, and I lean against the sink, back to the mirror, making sure I’ve caught most of my breath before heading out to tackle reality and a woman that wants to try and love me, because it’s what her friends are doing in their relationship.

I rub my face, and when I look up again, I almost jump out of my skin.

“What are you doing, Justin?”

My sister is there, standing on her own two feet, arms crossed sternly, giving me a disappointed look.

I’ve done everything I can, not to think of her.  Only during therapy, and even then, it’s few and far between.  I find that thinking of her drives me to a dark place.  I can’t handle it, and it used to lead me right back to the coke.  “Wha…”

“There’s a lot of things I expected you to do, but I never thought you would just go ahead and turn into Dad.”

I shake my head slightly, clutch my chest when it begins to tighten more and more.  I cough, wheeze, and gasp for a breath, before digging into my slacks for my inhaler.  I take a long drag from it and it relaxes my chest, but Fay is gone when I get my bearings again.

It’s the medication.  There’s no other explanation.  Fay is long gone.

Even so, I know she was right in what she said just now.  Turning into dad was never an option.

But here I am.

I head back out and they’re waiting for me.  It’s been decided that we spend the rest of our Friday night at a jazz club uptown, and I’m totally not up for it.  That little attack wore me out, and all I really want to do is go home and fall into bed until she forces me up at first light to drive out to Montauk.

“I’m not up for it.”  I whisper it in her ear when we get outside and Elijah steps to the curb to hail the taxi.  “You can go ahead if you want.”

“Come on, Justin.  You never want to go out.”  She rolls her eyes at me and pulls me along like I’m supposed to play nice.  Before it was all about if I felt all right, and now it’s turned into me ruining her night out.

“I’m just not feeling well,” I tell her harshly.  “My chest is acting up.  Give me a break, all right?”

“Forget it.  We’ll just fucking go home.”

Typical.

She spends the next ten minutes apologizing to Elijah and Charmaine, before we hail a cab of our own and head back towards Penn Station.  It’ll be another hour before we get back to Oyster Bay, and I pray she just pulls out her Blackberry or a god damn romance novel and leaves me to my thoughts.

“Honestly, how are we ever supposed to have friends if you bail every time I make plans for us?”

She starts in the minute we’re settled on the train.

I sigh harshly.  “I don’t bail every time.”

“It’s every time.”

“Fine, whatever.  I told you that you could go ahead.”

“We’re supposed to do things as a couple!”

She goes on and on about how awful I am to her.  How I never want to do anything, how I’m a lousy, stupid asshole that only cares about himself, which I guess, in a way, is pretty correct.  Not that I’m admitting that to her.  

“SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!”

I scream it at her on the train.  I’ve never done that before.  My chest throbs, and I clutch it with one hand, trying to catch my breath.  I close my eyes and lean back against the seat when it doesn't work right away.  I feel the sweat dripping down my face, and I know my condition is only getting worse.  

“Oh that’s really cute,” she mutters.  “Let’s put on the sick show now so everyone will feel sorry for you.”

“It’s…It’s not a show.”  I wheeze and reach for my inhaler, but even that isn’t enough.  “I need to go to the hospital.”

“Please.”

“I’m fucking…serious.”

She glances at me, and I can tell she believes me this time.  “Oh my god, Justin, your face…it’s bright red.”

“Get someone…anyone.  Hannah, please.”

And for the first time since I met the girl, she’s actually of some use to me.

Luckily for me, there are several doctors on our train.  At some point after they’ve laid me out the floor and ripped my shirt open, I pass out, while Hannah freaks out in the background.  When my eyes open again, the scenery is all too familiar.  Sterile white, the feeling of tubes shoved up my nose and down my throat.   She sits at my beside, tiny, perfectly manicured fingers curled up inside my right hand that’s been laced with tubing at every angle.  

She’s here for me.  I shake my head ever so slightly and sigh.  Despite our differences, how much I’ve said I don’t love her, and how much she knows that I don’t, she’s still here for me.

No one else is.

Her eyes flutter open when I give her hand a squeeze and she snaps to attention.  “Justin…Justin oh my…Justin they said you had like a mini heart attack or something…oh my God…I…”

“Shh.”  

The smile that forms isn’t one I’ve conveniently pulled out.  I don’t have the energy for that right now, so that must mean that this one is genuine.  It’s been too long.  I forgot how it felt.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpers, and presses the back of my hand to her cheek.  “I’m sorry I pushed you tonight.  It was my fault.”

“It was bound to happen,” I whisper.  “I’d been having issues the past couple of days, and I should have said something.”

“You’re fucking stubborn, that’s your problem.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Don’t do it again.  Do you have any idea…I mean, I could have lost you.”

She looks into my eyes, and I realize for the first time in a while, how empty I’ve felt inside for all this time.  I’m only really seeing her for who she truly is, right now, and I feel something spark to life inside of me, but I can’t be sure if it’s real or not.  Something might be playing a trick on me, or I might just be imagining that she’s here, or that she seems to give a damn right now.  

“You’d figure something else out,” I say, gently.

“Damn it Justin,” she sobs.  “Do you think I just…that I just don’t have any type of feelings for you?  Do you really think I’d waste my time yelling at you if I didn’t fucking love you?”

“I really don’t know, Hannah.”

“Can you please try and let me in?  Please? Before something else happens to you.”

I can’t promise her anything.  Nobody gets in, not anymore.  I can’t afford it, have no time.  Work is first, our children will come second, and I guess she would make a close third, if I gave a damn.

But I guess if I die, none of it will matter.

“You have your pick of any guy in Manhattan, and you let my father convince you to date me.”  The smallest smile pulls at my lips, and I feel the fatigue pulling at my eyes, but I don’t want to go just yet.  

“Yeah.”  Tears fill her eyes, but she’s smiling for me.  

She has a beautiful smile.  

“Would you change your mind…if you knew how things would be?”

“Now?”

I nod.  

“You can’t help who you love, Justin.”

She’s right.

Her hand goes to my cheek and my eyes close as she smooths it over my skin.  I pull her fingers to my mouth at one point, and press my lips to the tips of them.  “I love you Hannah.” I manage it, before I drift off.

It’s weird, but I might actually mean it now, and that’s definitely not something Benjamin would do.

Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

December 3, 2015

12:20pm

Rockefeller Center- The GE Building

30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10111

“So I’ve come up with Candace, Claire, or Claudia.”

I cradle the phone in the crook of my neck while I balance my breifcase and purse in my arms.  “What’s with all the C’s?”

“Well I figured it would be a good fit, you know? I have Ava, and Benjamin. I thought a C name would go nicely.”

“Or did you decide alphabetizing by age would make your life easier?”

She laughs out loud.  “Am I that obvious?”

“Totally, but you wouldn’t be so good at this mom thing otherwise. You label, laminate, and color coordinate.  I could never keep up with that.”

“It takes a special sort of woman to do it,” she snickers.  “These things can’t be taught.  It’s an art form, being a good housewife.”

My sister is pregnant with baby number three, and has two months to go.  One thing I haven’t minded, is getting closer to her this year, and I only have one person to thank for giving me the inspiration to do it.

I try as hard as I can not to think about him.  It hurts too much.  I want to hate Justin for what he did, but I can’t.  He wasn’t the same guy once Fay reached that final stage.  It was just…this shell of him that I was left with.  He was no longer the one I had fallen for, no longer the one who made me giddy with laughter after work.  That one was never coming back to me, and so,  I barely fought back when he ended things with me. I felt had no choice but to walk away for the welfare of my future.

I stayed in Boston with my folks for a few months after I moved out of Justin’s place, and while they didn’t question things, they casually dropped their feelings about my horrible luck with boyfriends whenever they could.  I was set up on quite a few dates that I smiled my way through but thought nothing of the next day, and took some more law courses in my spare time.  I decided that corporate law wasn’t the best field for me.  For one it was stressful, and I guess…I knew if I ever wanted to work in New York City as a lawyer and steer clear of Justin Timberlake, getting out of the corporate realm was the best way to do it.

Was I hiding from him like a wimp? Probably, but only because I knew if I saw him again, I might do something regrettable, like forgive him and go to happy hour, and I couldn’t do that.  I’d given myself a chance with Justin, given my heart to him, my faith, and my reputation.  I had fallen completely in love with him, he’d taken complete advantage of me, and smashed my heart to bits.  I would never let him do that to me again.  He was the one who taught me how to avoid letting a jerk weasel his way back into my life, after all, and that’s all he is to me now…a jerk.

I mostly practice entertainment law now.  I like it because it’s easy work, cut and dry, the only downside being the attitude of the clients, but I deal with it the best I can.  I’ve discovered I can be pretty tough, now that I don’t have Barry and Lawrence ridiculing me every damn day.  My boss at the firm is a middle aged white woman named Doreen, and she couldn’t love me any more if she tried.  She has complete faith in me, lets me do my job the way I’m most comfortable, and I’ve never been happier at a firm my entire career.  Another plus, there’s as much money in this as corporate law, sometimes more, depending on who I’m representing.  I recently bought a two thousand square foot apartment on the lower east side of Manhattan.  A hundred and fifty thousand dollar two bedroom with an amazing view of the empire state building.  I paid cash.

Life is good, even though I’m alone.

I currently have six clients on my roster.  Two host a day time talk show called City Points with Tad and Hannah, which has recently claimed the number three spot in NBC New York’s daytime ratings. Tad Avery isn’t as well known, he came from commercial work and this is his first hosting type of gig.  Hannah Monroe, on the other hand, has been drifting through the NBC morning news circuit for years, doing special segments on fashion and media, among other things, and this is her first big solo break.  They both bring something to the show that keep the public interested, and there’s rumors about bringing the show national just like The Today Show and Live! With Kelly and Michael.  Hannah’s sweet girl next door personality and charisma make her relatable to almost anyone, while Tad sits back with those cute dimples and much needed subtleness that keeps horny housewives curious enough to keep watching.  I spend a lot of my mornings and afternoons on set with them and their managers, going over endorsement deals and contractual agreements.  It’s easier if I go to the studio since their schedules are all over the place right now, but I don’t mind rearranging my days for them.  They’re both such nice people compared to the actors and musicians I work with who are temperamental as fuck and constantly want me at their beck and call.

Needless to say, my weeks are usually jam packed, but I like it that way.  There’s no time for distractions, well, except when Tad is begging me to go to dinner with him.  I tell him I don’t date clients, but shit, one more surprise bouquet of flowers on my desk and I might just have to give in.  He’s pretty sweet, even for a talk show host.  He got divorced last year, but as I’ve come to realize, that happens a lot in the entertainment world.  He’s not fake, and actually, we’ve discovered that we have a lot to talk about during down time.  At the end of the day, he seems like a really nice, genuine guy.

I’m just not so sure I’m ready to start dating again.

Hannah brings my romantic prospect up every chance she can.  She says that we can go on a double date with her and her fiancé whenever I decide to give in.  He had open heart surgery this year, and a minor heart attack due to complications from it almost a month and a half ago that left her very jumpy.  She seems obsessed with trying to find ways to keep him active and get him out of the house, and even does a once a week segment on the show about heart health, hoping he’ll tune in.  She really does love him, and I have yet to meet him, but I’m praying he cherishes her just as much and realizes how much she dotes on him.  He’s some kind of litigator, which helps me to understand the heart surgery thing.  High stress jobs don’t bode well on the body.  She’s such a sweetheart that I’m ready to give in just to help her out, but I don’t know where that would leave Tad and I at the end of the night.

That makes me nervous, but she’s not just my client, she’s a friend, and I know I would do the same for her if the situation were reversed.  Hell, she’s even asked me to be in her wedding in April.  If she didn’t think it was good match with Tad she wouldn’t ask me to do this every morning that she sees me.

Maybe I should just live a little.  Not every guy is out to hurt me.  Justin wasn’t even out to hurt me initially…it just ended up that way in the end.

Right.  I’ll take the date.  I’ll tell her today.

“Sherrie, I gotta go,” I tell my sister as I push my way through the revolving door at 30 Rock.  “Can I call you tonight?”

“Yeah, I still need your help with the name thing, and the shower.  Are you still coming out this weekend?”

“It depends on work.”  I reach the elevators and wait in the mass of people for the doors to open up.  It’s middle of lunch hour, but the only chance I’ve had today to get down and see Hannah and Tad, which means fighting the masses and eating on the run.  “But I’m going to try.  I love you okay?”

“I love you too.  Make sure you let me know about any interesting date prospects.  What’s going on with that cute tv guy?”

I roll my eyes.  “I don’t know yet,” I say it and feel my cheeks burning.  

“Well you work on that.  You’re too sexy and successful to be having such a bad run.”

“Will do.  I gotta go, my elevator is here, love you.”

“Love you!  Bye!”

I click off and step onto the elevator with half a dozen television producers and I think…Jimmy Fallon?  Hm, he’s very cute up close.  I smile and make a mental note to tell Sherrie tonight.  She’ll die.  I’d totally ask for an autograph for her, but I try to maintain my professional demeanor when I’m here.  Maybe Hannah can get me one.  Good call.

The elevator doors ding open and I rush out with the mob, digging my ham and cheese croissant out of my purse on the way down to the studio where City Points is filmed.  I spot Hannah Monroe right away once I’m through the doors, and she squeals a little bit, jumping up and down slightly in her little silver stilettos as she rushes over to me.  My croissant is half hanging out of my mouth, definitely not the way I want to be portrayed while she’s looking fucking amazing with her blond hair curled to perfection and flawless make up, not to mention that little dress that hugs her in all the right spots.

I’d kill for her body.  She tells me about all this juice cleansing and kick boxing she does to stay fit.  The juice cleansing is newer for her.  She started it more so for her fiance's sake, so he would have to do it too, but she tells me it does wonders for her skin.  Juice isn’t really something I have time to study, but I did go with her once to try the kick boxing cardio thing.  I thought I was going to die, and was sore for days afterward, but she didn’t hold it against me.  

It’s weird to admit it, but, she's turned into one of my very best friends. 

I never thought I’d have another one after Justin.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so glad you’re here!” She grins brightly and gives me a tight hug around the neck.  “Did you eat yet?”

“Well…” I show her my pathetic half eaten croissant-which.  “Sort of. I had a lot of meetings today.”

“No bother, my fiancé is bringing us all lunch from that new place, you know…the one that has the juice bar and the little vegan sandwiches?”

There’s about a million places in New York City that have juice bars and vegan sandwiches, but still, I smile.  “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I told him that our lawyer was coming so he said he would just pick up something extra.  You like kale right?”

“Oh…sure?”

She giggles.  “It’s so great because we can set up that double date since he’ll be here.  He won’t be able to say no in front of you.  I’ve mentioned it to him for weeks now, but he just blows it off, you know how men are.”

“Oh…yeah.”

“So we’ll do it right? I mean, you should see Tad, he’s like this lost little puppy trying to figure out a way to get you to date him.  I think he sent more flowers to your office this morning.”

“He did.” I can’t suppress my smile.  “He’s sweet, really.”

“Look I know you’ve told me that you haven’t had the best luck with relationships, but I really think that you should give him a chance.  He was devastated when he got divorced, but after a little while, he got back on that horse.  You have to, you know?”

“Yeah…”

“So it’s done. Tonight maybe? How about that?  We’re already in the city and Justin’s firm is only about ten blocks from here. He can just meet us wherever we decide to go.  There’s this amazing Thai place on forty ninth.  They have an awesome vegan menu and I won’t allow Justin to even look at any other types of restaurant food at this point.  Does that sound okay?”

“Justin?”

“My fiancé,” she chuckles.  “Sorry, have I really just called him my fiance this whole time?"

"Sort of."

 "I'm such a dope," she laughs.  "Didn’t I ever show you a picture?”

“Oh…no…”

Queasy.  I shouldn't be queasy.

“I put a new one on the dressing room vanity today.  He normally hates pictures but he was in the right mood the other day and I got what I wanted.”  She giggles slightly as she walks me toward the mirror and picks up the new framed photograph of the two of them.  “He’s the cutest thing, that’s why I put up with the moody as shit attitude he gets now and then.”

I take the picture and my heart sinks when I’m forced to accept the inevitable.

Really?

Justin’s smile is forced, that’s the first thing I notice.  It’s forced, and I can tell that he’s tired…or sick.  I guess both.

Heart surgery.

The bile rises in my throat and I suddenly have no desire at all to share this vegan lunch with them, or a Thai date night.

But what do I do? Fucking run away from my best friend? This girl has been nothing but a complete sweetheart to me from the get go, and she’s only trying to help me.  That’s all she ever seems to want to do…help me, help Tad, help her fiancé, help the viewers at home.  That’s just her personality, all day long.  I don’t think she has a ton of friends, simply because she’s much too busy, and it’s obviously a project getting Justin do to much of anything with her these days.

I hate that I’m so fucking worried about him, but I can’t be afraid.  I’ve moved on with my life, and obviously, so has he, in a ton of ways that aren’t really any of my business.  I should be able to handle this professionally, and wish him luck, if nothing else, because we’re not a part of each others lives anymore.

“Hey.”

She turns.  “Baby! Hi!”

I look on as she clip clops across the studio and over to where he’s standing with the handled bag that contains lunch.  His shoulders are sagged like he’s completely exhausted, and he’s less than enthusiastic as she wraps her arms around him and gives him a passionate kiss on the mouth.  I can tell it’s Justin going through the motions.  He seems numb, and distant, removed.  I want to feel bad for him.

But I’m still so angry.

He hasn’t noticed me, that’s obvious, because he’s still in his own world as Hannah drags him over to be introduced to me.  I just stand there, waiting for the inevitable, with a forced smile.

“Baby this is…”

“Mags?”

I look him in the eyes this time.  In an instant, his entire demeanor has changed.  I expected him to be glaring, cold, and angry.  He’s the complete opposite.  He’s smiling, the way he used to when he was my best friend, and I can tell he’s not forcing it.  “Hey.”

For just moments she seems shocked, but then her infamous warm smile breaks out across her face again and I know she’s back to normal and doesn’t hate me.  “Babe you…you know Maggie?”

“Yeah uh…”  He pauses and licks his lips, his cheeks turning a slight shade of pink.  “We were at Harrison and Fink together…five years.”

He neglects to tell her the other part.  That we were in love, that we were going to get married, before he started to slip, use drugs, and push me away.  No matter, it’s not like I was going to put any of that out there right now.  I have no idea how Hannah would take that news, and I’m not ready to give up our friendship.  I’m not going to let Justin take one more thing away from me.  “Yeah, we were like a team for a little while.” I force another smile and narrow my eyes at him slightly.

He seems to remember himself then, and his confidence falls away.

“Oh my gosh how perfect!” Hannah gasps.  “We’ll have loads to talk about at dinner! What a small world!”

“Dinner?”  Justin hides his true emotions completely, but won’t look me in the eye anymore as he gently puts a hand at the crook of Hannah’s waist and pulls her toward him.  

“Yeah…you know…Tad has a little crush on Maggie, so I thought we could kind of help them break the ice and do dinner.” She smiles and pecks him on the lips.  “I know you don’t have a late night.”

“Babe I just…”

“Don’t start.” She grits it out, and it seems to force him to back down.

“Yeah, dinner.”  He chuckles half heartedly.  “Sounds great.”  He kisses her forehead.  “Let’s eat huh?”  He barely glances at me, before heading over to the sitting area in the corner of the studio.

She’s in complete control of him, that’s more than obvious.  I begin to wonder if she’s always treated him this way, or if it’s just something that’s started recently, because of his health complications.  I mean, they can’t have been together all that long.  I left him in April, now it’s December, and they’re already set to get married next April.  That’s quick…

It must be his father.  That’s the only thing I can think of.  He introduced them.  Her family must be friends with Justin’s family.  That’s how they do things.  He’s rushed into this partially because of his father and I guess…

I guess she’s there for him.

I stop in my tracks for a moment while Hannah goes on ahead and joins him at the table, pulling the lunches out of the bag, checking Justin’s carefully for whatever it is he’s not supposed to be eating before she allows him to have his food.  

She’s there for him.  She’s the only one, because his shit attitude pushed anyone else who might have cared far away.  Hannah Monroe isn’t one to be pushed away though.  She gets what she wants, despite being a sweet girl on the exterior.  So Justin uses that.  He doesn’t have to be alone as long as he has her.  He doesn’t really love her and he never will.  It doesn’t matter to him though.  He’s turned into his father, more worried about business and bloodlines than having a true, meaningful relationship that will make him happy.

I want to ask him about his heart, how he got this sick, but it scares me to think of the reasons.  It scares me to think about what happened to him after I left, what he might have done to himself, because if I know the truth, I might blame myself.

But it wasn’t my fault.  It’s not like he gave me a choice.  I couldn’t just stick around and he…he broke it off with me.  He told me he couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t get married to me.

But he can go off and marry her?

“Maggie? Are you okay?”

Hannah is smiling at me, and Justin is digging his fork around in his salad miserably.

“Just fine.”  I flash a dazzling smile.

Professional Maggie takes over, and I make myself cross the studio and join them.  Hannah immerses me in conversation immediately after I start eating  It’s much easier than I thought it would be, letting Justin fade into the background with his bean sprout, spinach, and tofu salad, while Hannah and I begin to discuss business prospects.  He says nothing at all, barely makes a sound until our meals are finished, like some kind of obedient dog.  I figure that Hannah has trained him very well about patience, manners, what she will and won’t tolerate, and what it will take to ensure that she never leaves him.  I think he puts up with it, due to his health and the fact that he probably couldn’t take one more blow, even if his feelings for her aren’t genuine.

I shouldn’t be guessing things about their personal life.  It’s really kind of sick.  

I steal a glance at the diamond on her finger.  It’s beautiful, a Tiffany cut, much more elaborate than the one he’d chosen for me.  It’s a show piece really, designed to prove something about himself to her.

I never needed anything like that though, and he knew it.

It starts to make me so fucking angry, but I quickly calm myself down.  No. I can’t let it get to me.  He doesn’t matter to me anymore.

“So tonight, at seven thirty?” Hannah smiles at me, the excitement growing in her eyes.  “I’ll get all the details to Tad, and the three of us will meet you at the restaurant.  How does that sound?”

“It sounds…great.” I force it out, steal a glance at Justin, but he’s staring off into space now, his salad only half picked through, the tofu glistening under the studio spotlights.  “I’ll be there.”

“Baby isn’t this exciting?” Hannah giggles and the bridge of her nose wrinkles up slightly, a signal that she’s really happy about all of this.  “We get to play match maker and have a date night all in one!”

His smile is there in less than a second.  “Can’t wait.”  He leans across the small table and gives her a kiss.  “I gotta get back, all right?”

Damn.  She’s got him trained to a science.

She kisses him back and grins.  “I’ll see you later baby.  Maggie, would you mind walking him out? I have to change for the health segment. We’re pre filming today, but if you don’t mind hanging around, I need to go over some things with you after.”

“My schedule is clear,” I nod.  “No problem.”

“You’re the best.”  She hugs me quickly, and then races off with one of the producers stationed at the other end of the studio.

Now it’s just me and him.  Well, me and my best friends fiancé, rather.  I feel horrible.  I have to figure out a way to tell her that I used to be engaged to the guy she’s about to marry, because I know Justin, and he won’t tell her if he feels he can get away with it, and that’s not fair.  She’s a good person, albeit a little hyper, but a good person who I respect.

“I can get myself out,” Justin tells me.  “I do it every afternoon.  She’s afraid if I’m alone I’ll have a heart attack and nobody will find me in time, that’s all.  I’ve been having a good run this week though, so, don’t bother.”  He begins to pick up the empty food containers, as I’m sure Hannah expected him to do, and dropping them inside the handled bag.  “It’s uh…it’s nice to see you though, Mags.  You—uh—you look great.”

I roll my eyes and start to help him with the trash.  “Spare me the niceties, okay?”

He shrugs.  “Well I wasn’t making it up.”

“Look.”

He pauses and stares at me.

“This this is awkward for you.  This is awkward for me. But she’s a really good friend of mine, and hell, I dunno, If I’d known you were dating Hannah Monroe maybe I wouldn’t have gotten as close with her.  The point is, I have, and I’m not exactly ready to give up a friendship, because of you.  So lets just act like the old work colleagues that you’ve managed to make her believe we are, and move on.”

He laughs slightly.  “Whoa, relax.  I’m not getting in the middle of your girl time with my fiancé.  It hasn’t exactly been that long, but I’ve been through…a lot, too much I guess, because it feels like what happened between us, happened years ago.  All I’m doing right now is taking one day at a time, because she’s demanded it, and she’s there for me, every day.  She takes care of me, hell, she pre orders my lunch for me before I can go pick it up.  She cares, and I’m really trying to care about her too.  I’m not the same person I was before, but I’m trying to learn to be…I dunno, better? Maybe spiritual is a better word…”

“Spritual?” I try to hold in my laughter.

“Yeah.”

“You’re not spiritual.”

“Yeah I am.  I do yoga now.”

“You?”

“Yeah, with a mat, and an instructor.  It’s couples Yoga, and my entire Tuesday and Thursday night.  That’s gotta count as spiritual.”

“Jesus.”

His smile breaks free and he laughs at me. I see a flash of him how I remember.  Happy hour Justin laughing with me over some stupid wisecrack.

My heart begins to ache.

“My doctor says it’s good for me, so naturally, Hannah demands I go.  I’m trying to make her think I’ve bought into all this rejuvenation crap so she’ll let me watch the Knicks game on the weekends and possibly have a beer once a month.  That’s what my life has come down to now, little bonuses, because I don’t get to control anything in my life outside of the firm anymore.  I have a pace maker, heart complications…possibly another surgery in a few months if things don’t improve more, so I can’t afford to stress or take on more than I can handle.  I’ve promised her that I wouldn’t, and so, she does it all.  I don’t complain, because it makes her happy, and I don’t know how to make her happy otherwise, because I’m a complete fuck up when it comes to that.”  He leans in closer to me.  “Hannah aside Mags…it’s just…it’s nice to see you.  It’s nice and…I’d like to be friends with you, if that’s even possible.”

“You know I’m in your wedding right?”

He stares at me for several moments, at a loss for words.  “Invited?”

“In the wedding party, Justin,” I groan.  “I’m a bridesmaid.  I just started looking at dresses with her…” I trail off and shake my head.  “How the fuck are we supposed to be friends like it’s nothing?”

He runs a hand through his hair and blows out a breath.  “Oh.”

“Yeah.”  I shake my head slightly, and pick my purse up from the table.  

“You haven’t even told me what you’ve been up to.”

I sigh harshly, hating that he’s pushed the subject of his wedding under the rug.  “What does it matter? I have to get things sorted for Hannah…”

“You don’t have five minutes?  You said you’d walk me out anyway.”

I roll my eyes at him.  I don’t want to give in, don’t want to make small talk with him as we walk back outside.  But I know Justin, and he won’t quit until I give him something, and if I have to see him again tonight for dinner, I may as well play nice for my friend’s sake.  “Whatever, fine.”

We take the elevator down and walk outside to the center of Rockefeller Plaza, stopping at the top of the ice rink.  Justin looks out and observes the skaters and the tourists milling around for several moments, and I do the same, praying he’ll simply tell me that he has to leave, but he never does.  

“So.”

“So?”  I look down at the railing and rub my hand across it, trying to focus my attention elsewhere.

“You’re obviously working.”

“Wallace and Akerman.”

“That entertainment firm?  I’ve heard good things.”

“They’re great.  I make three times as much as I did at Fink and Harrison.  They’ve been talking to me about a partnership, so we’ll see.”

“It’ll happen,” he nods.  “They’d be crazy not to do it.”

I shrug.  “I’m not worried about it.  Somebody once told me that a partnership isn’t the only thing that matters.”

He smirks slightly.  “Sounds like a smart guy.”

“He was.  I haven’t heard from him in awhile.”

He grows serious.  “I haven’t either.”

Awkward silence looms over us, and I’m about to tell him I have to get back, but then he starts to speak again.

“It’s actually Harrison, Fink, and Timberlake now.”

“They still gave it to you?” My eyes widen slightly, but I can’t say I’m surprised.  “I mean…what about the restaurant?”

“I sold off my share a long time ago.  As for the firm, my father had to step in and help, but yes they gave it to me.”

Right.  That explains it.  “Well…that’s great Justin.  Congratulations.  You must be happy.”

“Yeah.”  He stares out at the rink again.  “It’s the same as always, just a bigger office and a bigger paycheck.  Where are you staying? Out on the island or…”  

“I just bought an apartment on the lower east side.”

“Nice.” He nods.  “Sounds like you have it all together, Mags.”

“Yeah.”  I try to smile but it doesn’t work. I just want to cry, because as much as I hate it, I know a part of me will always love him. “Will you…I mean, you’re going to be okay right? With your heart?”

“For now,” he nods slightly.  “I was a fucking idiot and messed it up, so I suppose I deserve to live this way.  I get a different answer about whats actually going on with me every couple of weeks, but I’m doing what I can to keep myself healthy in spite of that.”

“I don’t…I don’t know what I’d do if…”

“Maggie I’m going to be okay.”  He turns to me, concern riddling his expression, and looks deep into my eyes.  “I promise, all right?”

“Yeah.”  I press my lips together and look back out over the rink again.

He lets out a long breath.  “I’m sorry, Mags.” He says it after awhile, soft and sad.  “I really am.”

I nod slightly.  “I know you are.”

He rubs my shoulder for a quick second, but I shrug away even faster. 

“See you tonight then?" he asks.

“Oh…yeah.”

A flash of a smile breaks across his face, and then it’s gone.  “It really is— great to see you again.”

I watch him go, hands shoved into the pockets of his overcoat, and I think about how close I came to being with him for the rest of my life. My heart begins to ache again, because I miss how we were, how he was…and I’ll admit, how I was.  Even I know I’ve changed.  I’m a little more closed off, much more headstrong and professional.  I don’t kick back much.  Actually, Hannah is one of the only people I have any kind of fun with anymore.

And now this.  Now Justin.  How can I handle it? Being around him constantly, having to deal with forcing smiles, feeling his eyes on me, and stopping myself from staring at him, from letting him take my breath away.  It won’t work.  It can’t.  I should tell Hannah, but I don’t want to do that either.

I’m as trapped as he is now.

May 1, 2016

3:15pm

Jupiter 21- Luxury Apartments

21 East 1st Street New York, NY 10003

When I told Hannah I would go in Elijah’s place, I didn’t expect her reaction.  I thought she was going to start crying, but somehow, she held it together.  She rambled on about how worried she’s been, how he was so weak, how he didn’t get out of the house anymore because he couldn’t really do it on his own, and she was at the studio so much.

I’m worried about him.  More worried than I’ve ever been before.  I just…I get this feeling sometimes, that he could be gone just like Fay if things don’t change.

I can’t think about it.  I force myself not to.  

“You’re going out to the Island? Now?  We’re all going out to Montauk this weekend, doesn’t Hannah realize you’ll see him then?”

“She’s just worried,” I sigh.  “We all are, Tad.”

He turns his back to me, and says nothing, just pours his coffee and stirs in the fixings.  I know he’s angry.  He only ignores me when he’s angry, and he never gets angry at me, really.

“Tad?”

“I hate the way he looks at you.”

I chuckle and shake my head a little.  “What are you talking about?”

He finally turns back to me, his eyes sad, his shoulders slumped in obvious defeat.  It tells me he’s not really going to fight me on this.  He always lets me have my way.  At the same time though, he’s not happy with my choice.  “It just…it makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t want you to be alone with him.”

“Babe, come on.”  I move across the kitchen and take the coffee mug out of his hand, placing it behind him on the counter so I can drape my arms over his shoulders and caress the back of his neck as I stare into his eyes.  “You have nothing to worry about.  He’s latched onto your co host and has a lot of other things to concentrate on besides me.  I’m just taking him for a walk, so he can get some air.  That’s all it is.  He’s a friend, and Hannah asked me to do him a favor.  Wouldn’t you do the same thing if Hannah asked you to?”

“She wouldn’t ask me to do this.  I’ve never been close with him, you know that.” He rolls his eyes slightly, but pulls me closer to him.  “You’re just…I guess I get a little possessive of you sometimes,” he admits, reluctantly.  “I don’t want some other guy trying to hit on you.”

“Justin isn’t trying anything.  I’ve known the guy for years…before I knew Hannah or you, so just relax okay?”  I peck him on the lips.  “I love you.  Nothing is going to change that.”

He sighs heavily, but it seems to ease his insecurities slightly.  “I’ve never understood your whole…history with him.  I guess that’s my biggest problem.”

I feel the beads of sweat begin to form on my forehead as the pangs of guilt begin to surge through my body, and I gently tug myself out of his grasp.  In the beginning of this whole “reunion” Justin and I agreed not to say anything.  We knew it would be easier on the two people who had taken such an interest in us, if we keep the truth from them.  Justin may not have the most traditional relationship with Hannah, but he doesn’t want to hurt her, or make things awkward between her and I.  It’s the same thing with Tad.  I know he would feel weird around Justin if he knew we used to be together.  

But it doesn’t make it right, keeping secrets from them.

“It’s a co worker history,” I tell him quickly.

“Seems like it was more, the way he talks to you sometimes.”

I’m such a bad liar.  I know what he means.  Of course I know what he means.  I used to catch it all the time, at dinner, at random meetings at the studio, on group outings with the four of us.  He could never seem to keep his eyes off of me for long.  In fact, before the attack, I was getting up the guts to say something.  I wanted to tell him he had to stop, because it was distracting…because it was scaring me.  I would find myself staring right back at him all too often, catching myself in a small smile, even when Tad was right there next to me.  Justin was changing for the better before the attack, personality wise.  He was starting to act like the guy I used to know, smiling the more I saw him, joking around with me, even with Hannah.  She seemed happier than she ever had been with him, and for a while, I really though things were about to turn around for Justin.  That he was going to move on.

Then, just like that, everything fell apart, and he was back to square one.  This time though, he has yet to bounce back from it all.  Bedridden half the time, and no choice but to work from home, his cabin fever has gotten way out of hand.  I’ve only seen him a couple of times since he was released from the hospital, and each time he’s looked worse, paler, more exhausted and much weaker. Naturally, his attitude has taken on a personality all it’s own.  He’s more miserable than I’ve ever seen him.  

Justin’s birthday is Saturday and Hannah has set up a gathering at her families beach house in Montauk to celebrate.  It’s a last ditch effort for her to get him smiling and involved in conversation.  I really don’t know if it’s going to work, and she’ll be crushed if it doesn’t.  If nothing else, I intend on talking to Justin about it today.  I’m going to tell him how important this is to Hannah, how hard she’s planned, how much she’s confided in me about it.  I’m hoping it’ll give him a wake up call, and really want to make him try.  I want him to see how much she loves him, even though, that doesn’t mean he’s just going to drop everything and consider her the greatest love of his life.

I hate to admit it…but I know he still has feelings for me, and while he would never admit that to me, it has to be tearing him apart.

It might be one of his biggest problems, those feelings, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I’m with someone else now.

I’m happy.

Tad treats me like a queen, and has since the first time we were given the chance to be alone on a date together.  He holds doors, pulls out seats, pays for everything, and is completely willing to try new things.  Needless to say, it wasn’t hard for me to fall for him.  I realized how lonely I was when he started coming around more than a couple of times a week.  Before I knew it, I never wanted him to leave, and six months later, he had moved into my apartment.  It’s been really nice, having him here.  He dotes on me every single day, brings me flowers every chance he gets, and constantly plans surprise weekend trips and little dinners for us that completely throw me off guard.  He keeps hinting at it…that we’ll get married in the next year or two.  I barely say anything.  I’ve been engaged too many times to trust that it will actually happen.  I’m content with the way things are…

But I know Tad won’t be satisfied until that ring is on my finger, we say our vows, and buy a house in suburban Long Island.

I guess I want that too.  But if I do, then why am I rushing off to tend to Justin? I have my own life, and Tad’s feelings about this should come first.  I won’t let him stand in the way of my visit though.  Does that mean something is off? Wrong with my relationship?

I won’t admit the truth, and that’s very bad.  I don’t want to hurt this man, because he’s probably the nicest one I’ve ever been with, or will ever be with.  

He’s not Justin though.

Nobody will ever be like Justin.  I mean, the Justin I knew.  The one that could bounce me back from some of the worst days I ever had, give me good advice, and throw his arm around me at the bar, drowning any issue out with a stupid joke and cute grin.

I miss him.

“Just promise me you’ll be home at a decent hour.” Tad huffs.  “All right?”

“Eight thirty, the latest.” I promise him with a small nod and bright smile, finishing it off with a long, slow kiss on his lips.  “And that’s with train time.”

“All right.”  He kisses me back with more force, and slowly pulls himself out of my arms so he can throw his blazer on.  “Call me on your way back?  I shouldn’t be at the studio long so I’ll fix dinner.”

“Sure.”  

He comes over and gives me a final kiss on the cheek.  “I’m sorry.”  He searches my eyes for a minute.  “Sometimes, I guess…I still can’t believe that I get to be with you.”

He can melt hearts.  That’s why the network resigned him to a multi million dollar contract.  I know the only heart he really wants to melt is mine though.  “I love you too.”

“I’ll see you tonight.”

I smile for him, and then he leaves for the studio.  When the door closes, I let out a huge sigh.  

I really need to get my priorities sorted out.  

I pack Justin and I a picnic basket with healthy snacks and fresh pressed fruit and vegetable juice that Hannah gave me a recipe for over the phone.  The lake behind his house is the perfect place for us to sit and enjoy it, and I start to look forward to the scenery and the fresh air, rather than worrying about my could-be feelings for him and the ones I know he has for me.  We have to talk about it, yes, but I’m ready to face it, to tell him that it just…can’t be, because I’m moving forward with my relationship, and he needs to do the same.

The house is mostly silent when I arrive, only the soft murmur of a television coming from the living room giving me any indication that there is indeed someone home.  “Hello? Justin? It’s me.”

“Living room, Mags.” I hear him say it after a moment.  

His voice sounds much weaker from what I remember, and the despair quickly begins to take over, prompting me to set the picnic basket down on the kitchen counter and make my way towards him.  It’s been a long time since I was here, but I can still remember the voices that used to fill these rooms.  An excited Tyler, asking his Uncle what he was making for dinner, a laughing Fay, stationed in the doorway, poking fun at her brother for one thing or another.  None of that exists anymore.  As I pass through the hallway I see obvious signs of Hannah’s presence instead.  New wall paper and throw rugs, along with framed pictures of the two of them positioned in various spots along the walls.  

His smile is forced in all but one.  I stop, stare at it…a group picture of us out in the city last Christmas, right before his heart attack.  Hannah is on his right, and I’m on his left, Tad following after me.  His eyes are bright, and his smile is carefree.  I try to think back on that night, what we did, where we went.  I can’t even remember.  It was a good night though.  I remember laughing with Justin, his personality almost completely like I remembered it to be.  

r32;I force myself to keep moving so I won’t get emotional.  I can’t be, not when he’s right around the corner.  

“Hey.”  I put on my best smile for him when I enter the living room.  “Hannah told you I was coming right?”

He glances over at me slightly before sitting up taller in the wheelchair and turning it towards me.  “Yeah.  It gave me incentive to drag my ass out of bed and get dressed,” he laughs.  “She’d be so proud of me.”

“She totally would be.”

I try to laugh, to keep my smile going for him despite his condition.  He’s paler than I’ve ever seen him, and so thin, the cheekbones are literally sticking out of his face now.  It’s scaring the hell out of me.  The oxygen is still there, the long clear tube jutting out from his nostrils, running over his upper lip and behind the tops of his ears, to keep it from getting tangled. The oxygen pack is attached to his chair, clicking and beeping every few seconds as new air is cycled through, into his body.

“I know, I look like a monster or a robot with this thing on,” he chuckles, in response to my staring.  “I was hoping I wouldn’t need it by the time we saw each other again.”  He reaches out to his right, where the four legged aluminum cane sits beside his wheelchair, and grabs the handle, groaning as he begins to use all his strength to stand up.

“Justin you really don’t have to…”

“I’d really like to.”  He coughs a little, pauses, but continues.  

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“I’m fine.”  He manages to look up at me, mid stance, his eyes serious, and determined.  It takes several more grueling minutes before he finally manages to stagger to an upright position away from his chair.  He pants, completely out of breath as the thick beads of sweat roll down the sides of his face.  “Mags…do you think….”  He has to pause  and catch his breath again.  “Mags do you think you can get my air tank and put it in that little backpack over there?”  He points somewhere behind him.  “Handle side up.”

I see it in a small wicker basket by the sofa, no doubt left by Hannah for easy accessibility.  I nod quickly and do ask he’s asked of me, using extreme care as I pull the air pack out of it’s cradle and position it inside the bag.  “Do you want me to carry it?”

“No you can just sling it over my shoulder.  It won’t knock me over, at least I don’t think it will,” he smiles.  “Hannah said you were packing a picnic right? The walk to the backyard shouldn’t kill me.”

“Yeah, she gave me some recipes, and I made some things…”  I sigh harshly and run a hand through my hair.  “Justin I don’t know, are you sure you’re up for this? You look…”

“I’ve looked like this for months, Maggie.  You just haven’t seen me.”

“Aren’t your doctors worried?”

“Of course.”

That smirk of his won’t go away.

“But Justin…”

“Can we just go?”  His eyes get sad, and his tone is pleading with me to drop my concerns.  “I’m sure we only have a couple of hours, right? Tad must have said something to you about coming out here so late in the day, and I know you, you’re not going to disappoint him if you don’t have to.”

 After all this time, he still knows me better than anyone, but that shouldn’t surprise me.  “I promised him I’d be home by eight thirty, the latest.”

He lets out a breath, and looks me in the eye.  “He’s a lucky guy, you know?  I hope he appreciates the fact that you’re going to run home to him after coming all the way out here.”

I shrug a little bit.  “He appreciates it.”

Nothing more is said. Once we make it into the kitchen, Justin has to put all of his concentration on making the walk from the back door to the patch of grass in front of the lake.  Despite my attempts, he refuses to let me help support him.  He does it all on his own, and it takes a good forty five minutes.  Each time he puts the cane in front of him, he can only take a couple of steps before he has to catch his breath.  It takes every single ounce of strength in me not to start crying.  I realize I can’t, because he’s keeping himself composed for me.  I have no idea if this is how he acts with Hannah, or if he allows himself to break down.  Knowing how he is now, so closed off to the world, I don’t doubt he’s this stubborn all the time.

“I just…I think I need some help sitting down.”  He pants out once we’ve made it to the lakeside.  

“Of course.”  I’ve made us a nice place under the shade of an oak tree in front of the water, and I quickly get to my feet and rush to his side, gripping his upper arm as he lets go of his cane.  It takes several painstaking minutes getting him lowered to the ground and propped up against the trunk of the tree, and he lets out a relieved sigh, his eyes closing once he realizes the worst is over.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“You sound so alarmed Maggie.” He laughs it off, and coughs harshly.  “It’s like I’m dying or something.”

I don’t say anything.

“Maggie.” His eyes flutter open.  “It was a joke.”

“You’re such an asshole.” I try desperately not to whimper, but I can’t hold it back.  “Are you always this fucking insensitive?  Wait, I don’t have to ask you that do I?”
 

He rolls his eyes.  “Damn, I can’t even joke around with you.”

“That’s not a joke.” I snap.  “Not to me.  Not to anyone.”

“Fine.” He sighs harshly.  “I’m sorry okay?”

I rub my face with my hands, and then I finally take a seat with him on the picnic blanket.  “It’s fine, just…don’t say things like that, all right?”  I begin to take all of the food and drinks out of the basket I brought.

“Noted.  So…what’s in your basket today? Cauliflower juice? Tofu?  Carrot sticks?”

“Everything that you’re allowed to eat.”  I force a cheesy grin for him, and when he shows me the same one in return, I know we’ve moved on from our last topic of conversation.  Thank God.  “And…”  I smirk.

He cocks his head to the side, and smirks.  “And?”

“If you’re a good boy there might be some contraband too.”

“God bless you.”  

I giggle as I pour some veggie fruit cocktail and pass him a cup.  I take some for myself too, and can feel the disgusted expression spread across my face after the first sip.

“Good stuff right?”  He winks after drinking half his glass.  “I don’t notice the sweaty balls aftertaste so much anymore.”

“I guess it’s an acquired taste.”

“It’s a tolerated taste so I don’t wind up on the pre-martial shit list more than I have to.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a really demanding woman living with me,” he laughs.  

“But you love having her around.  I know you do.” I smile, but don’t look him in the eyes.

“Yeah.”  He gets another smile out for me, but that’s all he says.

“Hannah said the wedding might be a go for September now?” I question as a I pop a carrot stick in my mouth.

“Who knows?”  He shrugs slightly.  “If they can get me up the aisle and back without an oxygen tank and cane, I guess it’ll be a go.”

“Don’t sound too excited or anything.”

“I just have a lot more to worry about, you know?”

“What’s more important than Hannah at this point?  I mean, she’s here for you, every single day, and the only thing she wants is for you to get better, so she can marry you and continue to love you.  That’s fuckin’ dedication, Timberlake.”

“You really know how to make a guy feel guilty,” he laughs, a little sadly.

“Why guilty?”

“I just…it’s been fixed from the start, you know? My father set us up, and we set out on this five year plan.  Wedding, kids, all that.  It made sense and it wasn’t overbearing.  Then I started having complications and…I dunno…”

“You realized that her feelings weren’t fake, like yours were?”

“You got it.”  

I hate that he just admitted that.  It’s terrible, but at the same time, I’m not just anybody.  He’s always been able to talk to me like this, and it shouldn’t matter how much shit went down between us.  I’m still Maggie and he’s still Justin.  That will never change.

“That’s fucked up.”

He shrugs.  “Well, I’m pretty fucked up Mags.”

“You shouldn’t marry her if that’s how you feel.”

“I don’t have any other options.  Part of me loves her…for the kind of woman she is, for the things she’s done and still does for me.  It has to work Mags.  I don’t have anyone else that’s here for me.  Deep down, Hannah knows how I really feel, but she accepts it.  It’s a different world for us, but I would never hurt her.  I’ve learned my lesson that way.”

“Yeah and look, all you had to do was fuck up what we had to learn it.”

“Maggie…”

“You don’t deserve her.  You don’t deserve anybody.”  I shake my head and shove more carrots in my mouth.  

“I should just die alone, right?”

I feel tears on my cheeks. I don’t know where they came from.  “No. I…”  I hang my head low for a moment and wipe the tears away.  

“Do you think if I thought for a second that you still loved me, I wouldn’t try my hardest to get you back?  Do you actually think when I…when I pushed you away that I didn’t love you anymore?”

“Justin…”

“I’ve loved you since the day you walked into the firm for the first time Mags.  I’ll never stop.  I just lost my way…I lost Fay, and you didn’t deserve to stick around and watch me fuck my life up.  I wasn’t going to let that happen, so I broke it off.  I did it for you.”

“For me?” I let out a disgusted laugh.  “You broke my heart for the sake of my own welfare? How sweet of you.  I should be thanking you then?”

“I’m just trying to explain myself,” he whispers.  “You’re the only person I’ve ever really loved.  Hannah is great…she’s probably my best friend, but she’ll never be the woman that I love.  You don’t have to understand it, but that’s the way I feel.”

It takes me a long time to say anything at all.  This little voice in the back of my mind is crying out, telling me that Justin loves me.

Well I don’t care.

Because I’m not in love with him anymore.

I’m not.

“I’m in love with Tad.”  I finally say it.

It doesn’t make me feel better.

“Are you?”  He sits up slightly and cocks his head to the side.  “You were pretty quick to drop everything and come out here today.  I bet he had a few things to say about it too, because the guy can’t stand me.”

“I came because Hannah asked and…and you’ve been sick…”  I shake my head, press my lips together, determined to keep my tears at bay.  “I mean, I heard you were worse.  I had to make sure you were going to be all right.”

“Are you sure that’s the only reason why?”

He stares at me intensely, waiting for my response.

“I’m moving on with my relationship, Justin.”

He snorts.

“I love him.”

“You love the idea of being with a guy like him.  Come on Mags, this isn’t who you are.  Having a guy hold the door for you, pull out your chair and kiss your hand…where’s that girl I used to know huh? The one that did things for herself and drank me off my chair?”

“Gone.”

He sighs.  “If you’re going to be with someone else, please don’t let it be with a candy ass like that.”

“It’s not your fucking decision to make, is it?”

“No, it’s not.”

Frustrated, I push myself to my feet and begin to gather the contents of the picnic basket.  “This has gone on long enough.  I just…I have to get back and I’m sure this conversation isn’t good for your heart.”

“They told me I’ll need a heart transplant if things don’t improve.”

I stop.  My whole world just…stops, and I turn to face him quickly.  “If you’re just saying that…I swear…”

“I’m not.  They told me two days ago, at my appointment.  Nobody knows.  You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“Well I mean, it’ll help you.  You’ll get better.”

“Do you know how many complications come with a heart transplant? I mean, it’s optional, but they said it’s the only way I’ll get better.”

“Optional?”

“Meaning I don’t have to do it.”

“And if you don’t?”

He sighs again, and stares at me for a few minutes before finding his voice.  “Then I have to hope I get better on my own.  If I don’t, I’ll have a year, maybe less, depending.”

“So that means it’s not optional.”  I grit it at him.  “Obviously.”

“Things can go wrong even if I get the transplant.” He says it nonchalantly, like we’re talking about the weather.  “I mean hey, it’s not that big of a deal I guess, they’re just taking my heart out of my body and putting a different heart back in.  I may die on the operating table,  I may not.  People can take bets…make it fun—”

“Fuck, Justin, would you shut the hell up!” I scream.  “You’re not dying!”

“I’m trying to be real with you, in terms of what to expect.  I don’t want you to turn to me later and ask why I didn’t tell you from the beginning.  There’s nothing else I regret more than holding my feelings back from you Mags.”

“You have to get that surgery.  There’s no other choice, Justin.  Do you understand?  When Hannah gets home you better tell her, or I will.”

“I already planned on telling her tonight,” he nods.  “I’m not going to keep it a secret, I’m just…glad, that I got to tell you first.”

“Oh yeah, because it’s such great news.”

It’s silent.  I feel like I’m going to be sick.  

He could die.  He really could.  

I don’t know if I’d survive it, if he was gone.  I don’t think I could live without him.  It would leave this big empty space inside of me, and all that means is, that I really do still love him.

I start to weep right there in front of him.  I can’t help it.  I just keep thinking of him gone…just…gone…

“Mags, it’s going to be all right,” he says gently.  “Come on, don’t cry.”

“You bastard.”  I whimper, rubbing my eyes harshly as he continues to sit against that damn tree.  “You’re such a bastard and I hate you for it!”

He does his best to get to his feet.  I’m so hysterical that I can’t even yell at him to stop.  I just cry, and cry, right there by the lake, under the tree.  And then, by some miracle, he’s there, his arms around me, his hand rubbing my back in a soothing motion.

“I don’t want you to die.” I sob into his thin, bony shoulder.  “Please don’t die.”

“I’m not gonna die, Mags.” He laughs into me.  “Come on, you know I’m stronger than that, even if I am a bastard.”

I can’t help but laugh through my tears.  “I’m sorry I said that I hated you.  I don’t…I don’t at all.”

“But you still think I’m a bastard.”

“For now.” I sniff.

“Hey.”  He tucks a finger under my chin and tilts my head up, so I’m forced to look into his eyes.  “I don’t care how it makes me sound, but I’m in love with you.” He tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear, just like that time in his kitchen, before he kissed me.  “And I understand if you can’t love me back, if you’ve moved on, because you have every right to do that.  I deserve to be without you.”

I close my eyes and shake my head.  Stupid.  I’m stupid.  “No you don’t,” I say, and then I feel the touch of his lips to my forehead.  It feels amazing.  

“But we can’t do this right now,” he whispers.  “Can we?”

My eyes open.  “No.  We can’t.”

“Baby! They didn’t need me for that long after all!  Maggie did you get him outside! Oh my gosh!”

It’s Hannah.  Justin takes his hands off of my face but doesn’t back away.  I know this will be acceptable to her, because he can barely stand on his own.  

“That’s your soon to be wife,” I laugh and sniffle, wiping the excess tears away.  

He doesn’t acknowledge her presence.  “Will you stick things out…just…be here for me, until all this surgery crap blows over?  I don’t think I can make it through this without you, Maggie.”

I nod gently as Hannah begins to loom closer to us in the background, big smile on her face, probably because she got out of the studio early.  “I’ll be here.”

He squeezes my hand.  “Thank you.”

That smile is back.  The one I fell in love with.  

It’s a good start.

May 3, 2016

1:10pm

Monroe Family Beach House

212 West Lake Dr.

Montauk, NY 11954

I didn’t realize how wealthy Hannah’s family really was until Tad and I pulled up to the giant beachfront home a few hours ago.  It must have simply slipped my mind, because Hannah has never acted like a spoiled rich girl in front of me.  The place really is breathtaking though, with panoramic views of the beach and ocean from every room, and cozy, expensive furnishings I could only dream of.  You could probably fit a family of fourteen right inside the foyer with plenty of breathing room to spare.  I can’t even begin to image the size of Hannah’s family estate, but I’m sure it’s the same as, or even larger, than Justin’s family home.  I can’t help but feel a little out of place here.  It’s a completely different world that the two of them are from.  Old money, old traditions, and unfathomable wealth.

Even so, there’s so much missing behind the scenes.  Things that money can’t buy.

I can tell Justin broke the news about the surgery to Hannah, as promised.  That light that’s normally sparkling in her eyes is nonexistent today, despite the smile she’s keeping on her face for everybody.  She’s barely struck up a conversation since we’ve been here, and she’s constantly checking the time, racing away when the little alarm on her phone goes off every hour.  Justin must be on new medication.  

It makes my heart ache, to know how much she cares about him, while his heart is in a completely different place.

Dozens of people have turned up for the occasion.  Hannah’s colleagues from the network, friends, and a lot of people from Harrison and Fink, who haven’t hesitated to trap me in a corner and interrogate me about what I’ve been up to since I left the place.

“I thought for sure you and Timberlake were going to end up as a thing.” Nancy from Human Resources had laughed over the rim of her wine glass.  “Attached at the hip, that’s what you two were.  What ever happened anyway? Hannah snatched him up? Such a pity.”

I felt my stomach turn, and wasn’t sure if I wanted to slap her or just scream at her.  “I…”

“Hey.”

Tad stepped in then, showing off those perfect dimples of his, and thank God.  I quickly introduced him, hoping to steer away from the subject, and it worked.  She immediately became enraptured with the fact that I was engaged to Tad Haines, the subject of Justin and I floating away like the cool summer breeze outside the window.

I’ve been keeping a low profile since that uncomfortable conversation.  Tad has been his usual self, doting on me, and attempting to wait on me hand and foot while lunch was being served.  Eventually I told him to go hang out with Elijah and the boys since the game was on, and…well…he was really starting to get on my nerves with his constant ‘baby what can I get you’s’ and all the touching and kissing.  He loves PDA, and yeah, I guess most women would swoon at those damn dimples and let his hands wander wherever they wanted to on a daily basis.  I’m not most women though.  I don’t want him groping me in public…

Or hell, maybe I’m just irritated today.

I haven’t even seen Justin yet.  Hannah told me he was resting until it was time for cake, and I’ve been trying since we got here to go and wish him a happy birthday.  Naturally, Tad has been doing everything in his power to keep me distracted and in his line of vision.  He’s nervous.  He’s been nervous since the day I brought Justin that picnic lunch, because when I came home I was still a wreck from the emotional moments we shared by the lake.  I could still feel his frail form wrapped around me, I could still smell the scent of his body wash, the warmth of his neck pressed against mine as he hugged me, and the electric touch of his lips to my forehead as we were forced to part ways.

I knew the only thing I wanted to do was go back, and lie in his arms.  I couldn’t tell Tad any of it, but I’m sure he figured it out.  Deep down he knows that I have feelings for Justin.  He doesn’t mention it, because he’s terrified that I’ll agree, and leave him.

I know that we can’t keep going on like this.  Sooner or later, I’m going to have to make a choice to be in this relationship with him, or focus on Justin.  But how is that fair if I choose Justin? He’s not exactly single, and…he’s with my best friend, who, in fact, is still fucking clueless about the feelings I have for her fiancé, and our past.

It’s just a big damn mess, but yet, here I am.  If I gave a damn about my relationship, I would have skipped this party all together, and gone out for a day of fun with Tad.

I couldn’t miss it though. Justin needs me, and I made a promise.

I manage to make it outside unnoticed.  Elijah and the other guys have my fiancé completely distracted with basketball and beers, and I savor the soft breeze that sweeps across my face as I plant myself down in a lounger on the deck, gazing out at the dark blue waves lapping up on the white sand beach.  I close my eyes.  Justin and I never had a chance to go for a walk on the beach.  We never really had a chance to do anything as a couple, besides cope together, and that didn’t even work.

Sometimes I feel so cheated, but then I push those feelings away.

“Well, you can’t just hide all day.”

The door at the opposite end of the deck opens, and Justin is wheeled out by Hannah, who looks absolutely flustered.  

“I just need some air! What don’t you understand? Damn it, Hannah.”

“This is your party, Justin.  These people came to see you and…I understand, all right? I’m not asking you to spend the entire party around all the noise, but just a few minutes to say hello.  That’s it.”

“I didn’t ask for the party.  I told you I didn’t want a party, but you insisted.  You told me what I was doing.  That’s all you ever do.”

“You’re so fucking stubborn. No wonder your heart…”

“Maggie?”  

He notices me as I get up from the lounger, ready to hightail it inside the house so I don’t interrupt their banter. “Oh, hey…um…happy birthday.  I was just going inside…”

“Don’t be silly.” He sits up a little taller in his wheelchair, and his smile instantly appears.  “Seriously, this deck is huge.”

“Hi Maggie,” Hannah huffs with a disgusted look on her face.  “Maybe you can talk some sense into him, because he sure as hell won’t listen to me.”

Her voice cracks.  I know she’s an even bigger mess because they’ve been fighting.  I’m sure it started upstairs, and has gone non stop up until now.  “You guys need to talk.”

“I’m done talking to him.”

She just leaves him like that, out on the deck, without a kiss, another word, or a plate of food or a drink, like she normally does.  The door bangs shut harshly behind her.  In all this time I’ve never seen her this angry with him, but then again, I think it has a lot more to do with how worried she is about the upcoming surgery than anything else.

“Fuck.”  Justin seems to whisper it to himself with a shake of his head, rubbing a hand over the stubble that’s covering his cheeks and chin.  

“I can probably go and calm her down,” I tell him, starting toward the door again.

“Don’t bother.”

I stop in my tracks.  “She’s upset.  That’s obvious.”

He licks his lips as he stares out at the water.  “Let ‘er go.”

“What happened.”  I look back out at the waves as I say it, barely being able to look at him for more than a few moments, in fear of what I might say.

Of what I might confess to him.

“She cares too much,” he tells me gently.  “She thought throwing this party for me would somehow make me feel like myself again.”

“I don’t think she knows what else to do.”

He shrugs.  “Neither do I.  I’m out of options, Mags.  But I wouldn’t…I mean, if this were happening to Hannah I wouldn’t force her to do things she didn’t feel like doing.”

“Did you tell her that?”

He shrugs a little bit, and begins to cough harshly.  So harshly that I start to fear he won’t be able to stop, or catch his breath.

 “Are you…”

He digs out his inhaler and manages to get it in his mouth, sucking in deeply.  “Fine,” he croaks, and clears his throat harshly, being sure to adjust the oxygen tube securely back in place, before his gaze lands back on me.  “How long are you staying?”

I pull a chair up beside him, and cautiously slip back against it.  “I don’t know.  All day I guess.  Tad is preoccupied with the game and the guys so I snuck out here for a bit.”

“Can you stay?”  He stares at me intently.  “Out here with me?”

“I…”  I glance back through the window and into the house.  I can just make out Tad, high fiving Elijah over something. “I guess it’s okay.”

“I told her, yesterday,” he says it quickly, like I’m about to run off or something.  “She hasn’t taken the news well, you know how she can be…” He trails off and lets out a small laugh.  “I told her that the stupid vegan shit she’s been feeding me hasn’t helped at all.  I guess I was angry.”  He looks down at his lap.  “We’ve been fighting ever since, and I really…I feel like shit for it, I do, but at the same time, it’s like my only outlet.  Tossing those emotions at her is the only way I can fucking relax, you know?”

“It’s not fair to her though, you must know that.”

“I just don’t know how else to deal with it.  I’m…”  His face turns red and the tears begin to seep out of his eyes and down his face.  “I’m fucking terrified, Maggie.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t tell her how I feel, not about this.  She’s not like you.  She can’t just listen to me, have a conversation and figure things out…she blows everything out of proportion most of the time.  I could handle it before, you know? At times I thought it was kind of cute.  Now it’s just driving me out of my skull.”

I look back out at the water, gripping the arms of the lounger tightly.  “You have to stop comparing her to me.  She’s not me, Justin.  She’s Hannah and she’s funny, and bright, and she loves you…”

“I don’t love her.”

I refuse to look at him.  “Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.  You know it’s the truth, because you know where my heart is right now.”

“You can’t keep doing this, Justin.” I shake my head.  “You can’t, because you’re going to get hurt in the end.  We talked about this the other day.  I can’t just…leave Tad, and I don’t care what you say, I know you care about Hannah.”

“So you’re staying with him?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

He says nothing.  Only the beep and click of his oxygen pack fills the void in our conversation.

“I’m going in,” I sigh harshly and push myself to my feet.  “This conversation isn’t helping you, and you can’t afford to be stressed out anymore than you already are.  Talk to Hannah, would you?”

“I meant what I said you know.”

I groan.  “Justin…”

“I’d fight for you,” he whispers.  “If I thought there was a chance for us.  I’d fight until I couldn’t physically do it anymore.”

“There’s no chance for us.”  I try not to let my voice crack, but fail miserably.  “I’m here for you.  I always will be, but…it can’t…we can’t do this, Justin.”

“Now look at me and say it.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

“Mags.”

I turn to him, stare into his eyes, sunken in and hollow.  His skin is paler than it was two days ago, and I’m scared of losing him.  I’m so scared of losing him, but I don’t want to turn into a blubbering mess like the other day.  I can’t afford it, and God forbid someone walked out and caught me that way.  

“Tell me that you don’t love me,” he whispers, coughing a little more but getting it under control this time.  “Say it.”

But I can’t say it.  I can’t, and I hate it.  I want to call him a bastard and a fool, but my tongue goes dry when I try to get the words out.  All I can do is stare at him for the longest time, and then it just comes out of my mouth, like vomit.  “I fucking miss you,” I whimper.  “Christ, I don’t…I don’t sleep…I just…I dream about you…all the time.”  I rub the tears pouring out of my eyes harshly.  “And I hate that! I fucking hate that because Tad is a good guy! He treats me like I deserve!  I have no reason to look back, or regret walking away from us!”

Justin wheels himself closer to me, looking up into my eyes.  “But you do.”

“Yeah.”  I miserably plop back down into the lounger.  “I do.”r32;
I

n an instant I feel his hand on my cheek, and I can’t do anything else but put my hand on top of it, clinging on like it’s my very last moment with him.

“Mags.  I love you.  I love you with everything that’s left inside of me.”

My eyes meet his.  “I love you,” I whisper.

Then he kisses me.  He kisses me before I can stop him, before I have a chance to look and see who might be watching.  None of it matters to him, because he knows he doesn’t have anything else to lose.  My lips grab his back hungrily, and I’m so careful not to be too harsh, not to pull on him for fear of toppling him out of his chair.

“Let’s go somewhere,” he begs me, out of breath, as our kiss breaks.  “Away from here.”

“We can’t.”  I shake my head harshly and smooth my hair back, wiping off the remnants of his kiss from my lips.  “You know we can’t.  You’re too sick, Justin, and there’s too many people here.”

He nods slightly.  “I’m going to tell her, before the surgery.  I’m going to tell her that it’s over.”

“Don’t.  Just…leave it.”

“I’m not leaving it.”

I know he’s serious.

“She’ll hate me.”

He shakes his head slightly.  “I won’t let her.”

“Tad’s going to propose.”

He stares at me for a long moment.  “How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“So tell him you can’t.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to say, and you don’t really know if you want to end things with Hannah either.  We love each other, but are we supposed to be together?”

“Of course we are.”

I sigh harshly and sniff back the onset of more tears.  “There’s so much more to it, Justin.  So much more than you’re thinking about right now, and I understand why you can’t see the problems that will be waiting for us.”

The door opens suddenly, down at the other end of the deck, and my heart skips a beat when I see Tad sticking his head out of it, smiling at me.  “Babe, the cake is coming out….oh hey Justin, happy birthday.”

My heart begins to regulate itself again.  He doesn’t have a clue, and that means no one else does either.  That’s fucking miraculous.

“Thanks, man,” Justin nods, forcing a smile like always.

“We’ll be right in,” I smile for my boyfriend, and when he simply smiles back, I know we’re completely in the clear.

“All right.”

Tad walks back inside, letting the door close gently behind him.

“Justin I’m going to marry him,” I say quickly.  “I just…am, and you’re going to marry Hannah.  It’s the way things have to be, and I wish they were different.  I wish we could go back, and change everything that happened, but we can’t.”

“There’s second chances,” he tells me.

“I can’t trust you.”  I barely look at him.  I hate it, but it’s true.

That’s what’s holding me back.  

“I’m clean, Mags.  You know that.”

“That’s not what I mean.  You shattered me that day you pushed me away, and I can’t be sure that you wouldn’t pull that on me again,” I whisper.

“You know I wouldn’t.”

“But I can’t be sure.”

“Mags, come on…”

“I can’t just…get over it like you think I can, and I’m not going to screw Tad over because you want to try things again.  That’s not fair.”

“It’s not about him.  It’s about us.”

“But it is about him, it’s about Hannah too.  You just can’t see that.”

He just laughs.  I don’t think he has a clue how to respond.

“I…I’m going in.  Are you coming?”

He doesn’t say anything, just turns his chair around so his back is to me.

“Real mature.”

“I love you more than anything.  That’s what you can’t see, Maggie.  Despite what happened, I never stopped loving you.”

“You said you couldn’t love me.”

“I said I couldn’t marry you.  I never said that I couldn’t love you.”

“I have to go.”  I force myself to say it.

His shoulders slump in the chair.  “Then go.”

And I do.  Head held high.  Barely being able to control my tears this time.

July 24, 2016

9:30pm

Glen Cove Hospital

101 St. Andrews Lane

Glen Cove, NY 11542

We’re sitting in the waiting room.  Hours ago it was bustling, filled with nurses and doctors, patients with their walkers and canes, spouses and children.  At times it was so loud I couldn’t think straight, and it made me feel sick.  I’ve vomited several times throughout the day, but I haven’t said a word about it.  I haven’t wanted to make my feelings known to everyone, because the focus shouldn’t be on me today, only on Justin.

Now the room is void of most of those noises.  Only the casual nurse or night shift resident walks by.  The beeping and swooshing from various electronics scattered throughout the unit takes the place of the talking and the footsteps from hours ago.  

It’s been hours since they took Justin into surgery.  It’s just the two of us here now.  The rest of the friends and family associated with Justin and Hannah left over an hour ago to get some rest, after Justin’s surgeon reassured us all that the surgery had gone smoothly, that he would recover after some intensive therapy, and would be moved out of the ICU just as soon as he woke up from the anesthesia and his vitals appeared normal.  I stayed behind, mostly because I promised him I would be here when he woke up, and Hannah stayed for obvious reasons.  She hasn’t said much to me…Hannah.  She’s been focused on a book, or her phone, all day.  I came to the conclusion that she was trying to distract herself from the situation at hand, because it was the only thing that kept me from dwelling on what might actually be the problem.

That she knows.

That Justin told her, because he felt she should know, just in case.

I’ve been waiting for her to break the ice, to ask me the questions that she deserves an answer to. Once or twice I tried to muster up enough courage to talk to her, but my tongue seemed like a slab of cement in my mouth, and my blood ran cold when I tried to look at her.  I’ve been thanking the powers that be that Justin and I hadn’t allowed our emotions to get away with themselves that day at the beach house.  Although, if Justin had been in the ‘having sex’ condition before all of this I don’t know what the hell would have happened.  No matter.  The point is, it didn’t, and I’m sure it’s the only reason why I can sit here next to Hannah Monroe and not want to hang myself or something.

But if she knows about our little kiss, about his feelings for me, than why hasn’t she tried to kill me herself?

I guess…the state of her fiancé is preventing her from retaliating against me, although, I have no clue how long it will last.  She’s been on edge since we sat down this afternoon, and I know she won’t be a hundred percent until she’s able to sit face to face with Justin in his hospital room, and hold a normal conversation with him.  

I admit, I’ve been a jittery mess since he went in the operating room today, but I guess I can conceal my feelings better than most.

I promised him I would.  I promised, as he laid in that bed, looking weaker than I’d ever seen him, that I wouldn’t react, that I wouldn’t cry, and that I would hold my head up.  

“That’s you Mags.” He managed a smile.  “The strong one.”

I wanted to laugh at him.  Him pulling me out of the bathtub drunk, hadn’t been that long ago.  He’d always been the one with the advice for me, the one who had it all together, and then suddenly…he just couldn’t be that person anymore.  Losing Fay changed him for the worse, and I couldn’t even help him.  I should have been able to.  I shouldn’t have let him push me away.

I told him that, but all he did was disagree.

“I’m glad you walked away,” he nodded.  “Look at you, you found someone who’s really worth it Maggie.  You’re happy.  That’s all that I ever wanted for you, even if I couldn’t be that guy.”

I couldn’t come up with a response.  Not so close to his surgery.

I couldn’t tell him that lately, I felt like I was going through the motions with Tad, even though I had said yes when he asked me the question.  Since it was confirmed that Justin would indeed be undergoing heart transplant surgery, he was all I thought about.  I went to bed at night with Tad’s arms around me, thinking about the way I used to feel when I had been doing that very thing with Justin.

I couldn’t help but admit that I missed him…badly.

So why have I decided to go through with this wedding? I’m not totally sure.  I guess…deep down, I know Justin wouldn’t be able to make himself leave Hannah.  He’s not in love with her by any means, but I know he respects her, and cares about her like family.  If he left her it would kill her.  He’s trapped.

I guess we both are, and when he recovers from all this, which I know he will, he won’t want to do anything else but focus on his second chance at life, and make things work with Hannah.

I’ll move on.  I’ll start a family of my own, and I won’t look back.

“Maggie.”

The bile rises in my throat.  It’s the first time she’s spoken to me all day.  I’d like nothing more than to make up some shit excuse and just leave, but the best friend in me won’t allow it.  “Yeah?”  My voice cracks, a sure sign of my guilt.

“I need to talk to you.”  She turns to me, shoving her phone into her purse and placing the thing on the seat behind her.  “I’ve been debating about it all day, but now that we’re alone, I know that I have to.”

I swallow hard.  “Oh um…yes, of course.”

“Justin told me about Montauk…about when you were alone.”  Her eyes pierce into me like daggers and she doesn’t smile.  She’s cold, plotting her next words to me carefully so I’ll be as mentally vulnerable as possible.

“Hannah I…”

“I know him well, Maggie,” she cuts me off quickly.  “You may not think so. Actually, I’m sure you think you know him better than anyone else, but that’s all false…that’s you being the naive little girl that you are.  The way you see him is the way he wants you to see him, but I get the real deal, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I know the kind of man he is, and…I’ve always known what kind of relationship we would have from the start.  I expected him to mess around, to eventually have a mistress.  I was prepared for it, because that’s what happens when you come from a background like ours.  You’re matched with someone who will uphold the legacy for both of your families, and in the end, everyone is better off for it.  There’s love between us, maybe it’s not the sunshine and daisies type of love that most people think of, but it’s still love, and in time, it will grow into more.”

“Hannah I didn’t mean…”

“Just let me talk.”

I quickly back down.  

“That being said,” she continues.  “My friendships are never something that I have arranged for me, and I really did enjoy confiding in you, and welcoming you into my circle, Maggie.  I never lied to you once, because I respected you, and silly me, I expected that you would have the done the same for me.  Now I find out that you and Justin were together once, and I have to say, I’m very hurt that you kept all of that from me.  If I had known…I mean, I’m sure I never would have wanted you to be around him as much as you have been, especially by yourself.  Even if I let you, even if I took that risk, I would have done it because of my faith in you…that trust that you wouldn’t go behind my back and make a play for him.  You’ve destroyed all of that.  You’ve destroyed our friendship, because I know that if Justin had been able, things would have gone much farther than just a kiss.”

“Hannah…I just…I never meant for things to be like this.”  I shake my head slightly, but I can’t look at her.  I know she’s right.

“There’s no sense sitting there stuttering.  Just admit it, Maggie.”

It seems to take an eternity before I can look her in the eye.  When I do, she’s staring right back, her stone cold expression unwavering.  “You’re right.  It would have.”

“And you have feelings for him.”  It’s not a question.

“I do.”

“Are you in love with him?”

I can’t answer her, can’t look at her. The guilt is gnawing at my insides and I feel like I’m going to throw up again.

“Answer the question.”

I sigh harshly.  “Yes.”

Silence.

“But you’re going to marry Tad and move on with your life.”  She picks the conversation back up quickly, and her tone is unforgiving as she leans leans in close to me with a glare.  “Because if you don’t Maggie, I’ll make sure your life turns into a living hell, and you can count on that.  You won’t have one client on your roster by the time I’m finished throwing you and your firm under the bus.  Just stay the hell away from Justin, and I’ll find myself a new lawyer in the meantime.”

She doesn’t give me a chance to come back at her, to tell her how our relationship was in the beginning, that we were friends first, and that he’s the only person I’ve ever been able to talk to.  No she doesn’t give me a split second to say anything at all.  She grabs her purse and gets up, walks across the room and makes another spot for herself.  Going after her would be a death trap, so I just stay in my seat, not saying a word.

“You can go.” She calls to me.

“What? He’s not even awake yet.”

“I’ll tell him what he needs to know,” she nods.  “Leave, Maggie.”

I stand up, hands on my hips, ready to fight her to the death over this.  “You mean you’ll make up a lie to tell him about why I left.  You’ll make him want to hate me.”

“You’re not a part of his life anymore.”  Her eyes narrow.  “It’s easier this way.  A long drawn out goodbye won’t do him any good.  He’ll just fight harder to make you stick around.”

“You don’t get it.  It’ll mess him up even more if he thinks I just abandoned him.”

“He’ll have me.” She nods.  “I’m the woman he’s marrying, so I’ve got it covered.  Move on, Maggie.”

“But…”

“Move on.”  Her tone is a hundred times more intimidating, and I know I’m walking on thin ice.  It’s bad enough that we’ve lost her as a client.  My boss is going to go ballistic, and I hate that Hannah has so much power.  Enough power to wipe our roster clean.

At the same time though, I don’t care about my career.  Not as much as I care about him.

I’ve told him I can’t trust him, and that’s the truth.  The fact that he tossed our relationship to the side, and ruined our plans for the future, still pains me.  But being without him…that’s not an alternative.  If nothing else, I need him in my life as my friend, and now Hannah is getting in the way of that.  Of course I get it.  I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t.  I guess I thought we were closer than this, that we would be able to talk about this rationally, without threats, and compromise somehow.

But she doesn’t want anything to do with that.  She doesn’t care about how sorry I am.  She’s ready to toss our friendship to the side and never look back if that means she’ll finally have her fiancés undivided attention, something she’s probably been vying for since they day they met. I can’t say she’s a coldhearted bitch.  She’s not.  She’s just protecting what she considers hers, and I guess if our roles were reversed I might be doing the same.

But they aren’t reversed, and the man I love is in there recovering from a heart transplant, getting ready to take his second chance at a good, happy life.

I’m not leaving.  I know he couldn’t take it.

“Hannah, I’m not going anywhere.  At least not today.”  

I take a seat.

“Should I really start making phone calls?”

“If that’s more important than concentrating on what’s going on with Justin right now, then I guess he doesn’t know you at all, and hell, maybe you don’t deserve a guy like him.  Maybe you’re the one who should be moving on.  Our past aside, he’s one of my best friends, and nothing you can say is going to change that.  I’m not abandoning him so you can try and make him hate me.  He and I have been through too much over the past seven or eight years for me to turn my back on him now.  I’m staying to see him through this.  End of story.”

She says nothing for a good twenty minutes, and I busy myself by looking at the ceiling, at the floor, trying to rid my mind of our conversation.

“I won’t let you ruin this for me,” she finally says, her voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper.  “I won’t.  This is the rest of my life.  I have a plan.”

“What about the rest of his life?” I turn and face her again.  “What about his happiness?”

“It…it can’t always be about happiness.  It’s about leading a successful life.”

I snort.  “Money and power…that’s not a life, Hannah.  It’s what Justin has been trying to escape since he realized how unhappy it made him.  Marrying you is only going to turn him into a drone, and I can’t stop him…he needs to do what he wants to do, but…I know that’s the truth.”

“So you’re the solution?”

“No.” I shake my head.  “But I am his friend, and whatever feelings go beyond that…don’t really matter now anyway.  I just want to see him happy and healthy again.”

“So do I.”

“At least we can agree on something.”

We stare at each other, basically daring the other to say something, to challenge what’s been said tonight, but nothing is said.  We just…keep staring at each other, and I start to feel extremely uncomfortable.

“Maggie Dawson?”

I turn, thanking the heavens for the interruption.  A nurse stands before me, holding a clipboard, looking rushed, and exhausted.  “Yes…that’s me.”

“The anesthesia has worn off, and Justin has requested to speak with you.  The surgeon advised against visitors until morning, but he’s absolutely insisting, so we can give you fifteen minutes or so, but he really needs to get some rest so we’re asking you to keep this as brief as possible.”

“Oh…” I run a shaking hand through my hair.

God, Justin.  Right now?r32;
“You?”  Hannah comes up to us, hands on her hips, furious at me.  “Why you?”  She looks at the nurse with a demeaning expression.  “Why her?”

“It’s at the patients request,” the nurse says softly.  “I’m just the messenger.”

“Well I’m coming too,” Hannah snaps.

“I’m afraid we can’t permit that.  Visitation will resume in the morning.”

“I’m his fiancé!”

The nurse ignores Hannah’s outburst, and sighs as she glances at her wrist watch.  “Maggie if you’re going, it has to be now.  I’m sorry.”

I nod gently.  While I really don’t want to send Hannah into additional outbursts and hysterics, I’m in no position to deny Justin a post- life-altering-surgery-request.  “All right,” I croak.

“I will never forgive you Maggie!”  She yells it at me while the nurse escorts me away.  “Never! Do you hear me!”

I feel the tears crawling down my face.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” the nurse whispers in my ear.  “You should have heard the way he was begging Doctor Harrison before.  This guy is completely in love with you.”

I swallow hard.
*********************

July 24, 2016

10:28pm

Glen Cove Hospital

Room 318

101 St. Andrews Lane

Glen Cove, NY 11542

“Fifteen minutes.”

I feel a light touch to my shoulder and my eyes slowly glide open.  Everything is numb.  Every single part of me.

But when I see her, I feel something deep inside spring back to life just a bit.

“I mean it, Justin.”

Adrian, the nurse, sends me a knowing little smile, before adjusting my pillows slightly and walking out of the room.  Mags stands nervously by the doorway, eventually getting enough stamina to close it and give us some privacy.

“Justin what are you doing? Hannah’s in hysterics.”

“I had to see you.”  It’s barely a whisper.  

She sighs harshly.  “You haven’t been out of surgery five hours yet.  I’m not that important, and she’s the one who should be in here, not me.”

“You should be.”

I don’t remember much about this afternoon.  I was groggy even before they put me under, and I passed out quickly.  I remember…I was scared, but the thoughts of the conversation I had with Maggie the day before put my mind at ease.  In fact, she was the only person I could think of before surgery, despite the fact that Hannah was in my face up until the nurses came to take me down to the OR.  I couldn’t hear a word she said to me.  I held her hand, sure, and I listened to her sobbing, did my best to reassure her that everything would be okay, but it didn’t go beyond that.  I didn’t have any revelations, or think about trying harder with her.

I just…I didn’t have a reason to.

I knew who I was in love with, and I wanted my whole life to be centered around Mags, and Tyler.  I wanted a fresh start.  I wanted the life I should have had from the beginning of all of this.  The life that Fay tried to help me achieve before she passed away.  

“Justin…”  She trails off and miserably plops down into the chair at my bedside.  I remember this too well.  Her, joining me in my office with boxes of Mr. Wong’s, carrying on about the stresses of the workday, me, making her laugh, and smile.  

I wish I could make her smile right now, but I’m just too damn weak.  My goal, is to cut this recovery process in half if I can.  Eight to twelve weeks, they’re saying.  That’s just too fucking long, and I’ve been laid up in bed long enough.

I’m just…so ready to live again.  I regret all the time I missed while I was busy fucking myself up.  Tyler is ready to give me a second chance, but…but I just don’t know if I’m going to get one with Mags.

It’s different when it comes to her, but…I have to try.  I have to.

“How do you feel?”

I manage to smile for her.  “Like a weight just dropped onto my chest.  It’s the medication.  I can’t feel a thing.”

“How are you up to talking?” She shakes her head slightly and rubs her face with her hands.

“I’ll deal with it for you.”

“God Justin…Hannah knows everything now.  Do you realize that?”

“Of course.  I’m the one who told her everything.”

“She hates me,” she continues.  “Legit, hates me.  I can’t do this anymore…I just…she was my best friend and now that’s all fucked to hell.”

“I don’t care about Hannah, or her agenda, or whatever she told you,” I whisper.  “You shouldn’t either.”

“How can you say that? I betrayed her trust.”

“You never fell out of love with me and I never fell out of love with you. It’s not your fault…it’s just the way things are.  I care about you, Mags.  I wanted to tell you that, before I talked to anybody else.  I only care about you, and I’m done with the Hannah charade.  It’s over…and I’m going to tell her that tomorrow.”

“What the fuck? Did you have an epiphany while you were under the knife?”

I wince when I laugh a little too hard.  “Something like that.”

“I don’t think you’re rationalizing any of this properly right now, Justin.  How could you? You just woke up from surgery and…”

“I know what I want, Mags.”

She stares back into my eyes and bites her bottom lip.  She knows me well, better than anyone, and can tell when I’m lying to her.

She knows I’m completely serious right now.

“I can’t.”  She shakes her head.  “Justin, I can’t.”  She gets up to leave.

“I love you.  I’m not going just…stop, because you say that you can’t do this.  I said it before, and I’m saying it now…I’m going to fight for you.  I’m going to wait for you Mags.”

“Maggie.”  The door opens and Adrian peeks her head the room.  “I’m sorry but we’ve got to call it a night.”

“O-okay…”  She looks between Adrian and I, like she has no clue what she’s supposed to do.

“Just come back tomorrow,” I tell her.  “Come back in the morning.”

“I can’t come back in the morning…please, can you just give us one more minute?” She says it to Adrian.

Adrian sighs heavily.  “One minute.”

The door closes.

“Justin I can’t.  I love you, but I just…I can’t.  I’ve made promises to Tad, things are set in place, and I can’t just toss that all away.  We have to move on, don’t you understand that?”

“If I marry her I’ll be making a huge mistake.”

“I can’t be with you.”  She won’t look me in the eye.  “And you shouldn’t be alone.”

“If it’s the only option, maybe I should.  It might be good…you know, Tyler is moving home and everything.  It’ll give us a chance to reconnect and I can just start my life from scratch again.”

“Tyler is moving home?”

“Yeah.” I think I smile, but I can’t be sure.  “I thought I told you?”

“No…but, that’s really great.”

“I’m going to make everything up to him.  Everything that happened after Fay died.  I want to be his whole family if I have to be.”

“Then you should focus on that, not on me.  He deserves every part of you.”

“So do you.”

“It’s just too late, Justin,” she says, sadly.  “It’s too late for us.  I’m sorry, but…you know I’m right.”

We stare at each other. I can’t beg her to stay, and I know that.  She’s going to go off and marry Tad and I’m going to break things off with Hannah and just live my life.

That’s the way it has to be, as heartbreaking as it is, but I’ll push through it.  I have a lot of reasons, important ones, that I should have recognized long ago.  This is my second chance.

I can’t fuck up this time.

“Then I guess that’s it,” I tell her.  “I’ll stop giving you a hard time and just…move on from here.”

She nods slightly.  “I better go.”

“Yeah.”  I try hard to ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut as she goes to the door.  I know this is the last time.  After this we won’t see each other nearly as often.  We’ll both get wrapped up in our own lives, and perhaps, we’ll never see each other at all after today.

She’ll just be gone, and while I hate that, I know that there’s no way around it.

“Bye Mags.”

She doesn’t look back.  I don’t think she has it in her.

December 5, 2016

11:45 am

Mexicue Food Truck

60 Centre St, New York, NY

“When are you due in?”

Tad hands me my tacos and my drink and I take it from him as we sit down on the bench several feet from the food truck.  “The judge is meeting with us at twelve thirty.”

“Great.”  He leans in and kisses my lips before I have a chance to start consuming my early lunch.  “Then we have an actual lunch break together today.”

His smile shows off the dimples that make him hard to resist and I unleash a smile for my fiancé.  “Do you have more negotiations today?”

“A couple of meetings, nothing too crazy.  I’ll probably be home before you so I’ll pick up some dinner.”  He smiles and takes a big bite of his taco.

I just stare down at my food.  Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite.  Nerves, yes.  Nerves, because I’m about to be in a room with a man that I don’t know how to feel about, and it’s been six months since we’ve spoken face to face.   

Being with Tad should be bliss.  I should continue our conversation with wedding plans, pull out the two invitations that my sister and I picked out over the weekend to see what he thinks.  I should be excited about them, about all of our plans..

I should be excited that I’m getting married, and running off to LA to live with my husband in our brand new network comped home in the hills of Hollywood.  A fresh start, that’s what I wanted when I walked out of Justin’s hospital room that day.  I begged to be able to forget about him, and my feelings for him.  For awhile I guess I did.  I forced myself to delve deeper into this thing with Tad, and start to seriously plan our wedding.  The guests are RSVP’d, the bridesmaids dresses and my own wedding dress are ready to go.  All other plans are set into place to make this wedding go off without a hitch.

But somehow, I’m still uncomfortable about this.

I can’t put my finger on it.

I do know though, that when I talked to Justin on the phone the other night, it was the first  conversation I’d held in a long time that made me come alive inside.

It’s not sad, it’s fucking scary.

What’s even scarier is, I’m going to have to face him in court in just under an hour.

I couldn't bring myself to tell Tad about it.  I knew he would tell me to pass it off, because things were funny between us for awhile when Justin and I were seeing a lot of each other.  Am I betraying Tad in a way?  I guess so.

Do I care?

No, and that makes me a horrible person.

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep.  When I lie in that bed with a shirtless Tad next to me, his arms secured around my waist as he sleeps, I feel terrible.  A little voice whispers to me that I don’t love him.  That I have no business marrying him.  That I love Justin.

When I heard his voice on the other end of that phone Friday night, I nearly lost it.  We started our usual flirting banter so fast that I didn’t know what was happening until it was too late. It all came flooding back to me, the way we were, how much I loved him once upon a time.  How walking away from him after his surgery nearly destroyed me.

He sounded so strong.

He sounded like my best friend.

Something inside began to ache, so I ended the call.

He’s all I’ve thought about ever since.  It’s a horrible reality.  I hate that I can’t shake him, that I might still love him.  I wish there was a cure, but there isn’t.  I’m clinging to the hope that our move will force me to forget, or that I’ll get pregnant after we’re married and won’t have a choice but to forget.

Is that the right thing? I know it’s not, but at the same time, what other choice is there? It’s not like Justin is completely single.  He’s still doing dinners with Hannah, which is basically like dating, since the way he dates women is so fucked up.  He didn't exactly beg me to come back to him like he used to

It’s gotten me thinking…maybe he’s over me.  He gave up because I gave up.

But that’s what I wanted, right?  I couldn’t trust him, I was afraid to try, and it serves me right.

“Maggie?”

“Huh?”  I snap out of my daze and look my fiancé in the eye.  

“What’s wrong? Big case?” He smirks and flashes his dimples at me.  “You look terrified.”

“No…it’s nothing.”  I force a smile.  “I guess I just have a lot to think about.”

“Mm. Like the wedding.”  He leans in and kisses me slowly on the lips, deepening our kiss just slightly before he pulls away again.  “Not too much longer now, huh babe?”

“Yeah.”  I take a huge bite into my taco so I won’t have to look at him anymore. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see him.  He’s getting out of a cab, looking as debonair as ever with his expensive suit and briefcase.  Intimidation is what Justin does best, I’m just glad that I can afford to dress equally as well as him now.  My heart starts to race as he comes closer, and I feel queasy.  “Do you want to go for a walk?”  I turn completely away, hoping Justin won’t notice us.  

“A walk? We just sat down,” Tad chuckles.  

“Well I…”

“Hey, Mags! You’re early.”

Fuck.

He’s standing right in front of me, big smile, bright eyes.  His frame is no longer frail, that muscular build he’d always been famous for is about halfway back.  He hasn’t looked this healthy…this good in a very long time, and I know he’s probably put in his fair share of hours to achieve it all.  “Hi Justin.”

“Justin.”  Tad gets up immediately and goes to shake his hand.  “Long time.  How’s the heart?”

“It has been a long time, and…it’s been an adjustment, but I’m doing well.”  He looks Tad in the eyes as they shake hands, but eventually his gaze lands back on me.  “You ready?”

“Ready?” Tad says, his concerned gaze landing on me immediately.

“We’re on the same case…opposite sides,” I nod at him.  “Small world I guess.”

I’m chuckling nervously and Justin is matching it.  Tad however, is completely silent, because I’ve kept this from him.  

“You couldn’t tell me?”  Tad half whispers it.  

I shrug.  “It’s just work baby…” I steal a glance at Justin.  “I’ll see you inside.  Good luck.”

He smirks slightly.  “See you inside.”

Then he’s gone.

“You tell me about all your cases,” Tad continues as soon as Justin disappears through the courthouse door.  “What? Did you just happen to forget about this particular instance?”

“No I…”

“You just didn’t want me to know.”

“Fine.”  There’s no use lying to Tad.  I’d be wasting my time.  “I didn’t want you to know.”

He lets out a disgusted laugh.  “There’s gotta be a reason.”

“Because I knew you’d react like this.”

“How am I supposed to react? Like everything is fine? He’s got at thing for you.  He always has.  And you’ve had a thing for him too.  He nearly destroyed us…”

“But he didn’t.”  I snap at him and send him a cold glare.  “It’s just one case, Tad.  I’m marrying you, aren’t I?”

“Don’t sound so thrilled.”  He gets up and tosses his half eaten lunch in the trash.  “If you really didn’t want this to interfere with our relationship, you would have passed this off to one of the other partners as soon as you found out he was the one you were up against.”

“If I did that we would have lost the case, and the client.”

“Is one client worth your marriage, Maggie?”

I shake my head.  “You’re overreacting.”

“No.  I know what to expect, that’s all.  I wish you could see the way you were looking at him just now, because you never look at me like that.”

“I didn’t look at him any way, Tad.”

“Just…go to work, all right?”  He runs his hands through his hair.  “I guess I’ll see you tonight.”

“Tad…”

“Just go to work, Maggie.”

He walks off.

Wonderful.

How the fuck was I looking at him? Was I gawking at Justin? Was I captivated?  Tad is paranoid when it comes to us, but he’s not stupid.  I’m sure he was right.

So where does that leave me? Hell, where does it leave us? Am I really ready to get married to this guy? Hightail it clear across the country?

Seeing Justin right now forces me to accept the fact that I’m not really sure.

And now I have to go head to head with him in a courtroom.

Damn it.
************
December 5, 2016

1:45pm

New York Supreme Civil Court

60 Centre St, New York, NY

In all the years I worked with Mags at the firm, I never saw her as put together as she is today.  She’s calm cool and collected.  Confident.  Organized.  Like a solider ready for battle.  I’m really proud of her.

I want to tell her, and then take her out for drinks after this is over.

But I doubt it’s my place, considering that I have a job to do.  Biggest case on the books, that’s what Barry says.  It’s always the biggest case, and it’s always me who gets sent in to handle it.  Partner or not, they just can’t trust anyone to handle cases of this magnitude, and it’s not like they’re going to do it.  Although, I do owe Barry a lot, so I don’t complain.

“Pepsi-Cola is clearly in breach of contract, your honor.”  Maggie hands the judge a highlighted document.  “My client was signed for eight commercials, no matter what condition he may have been in on or off the set.”r32;

“Your client was drunk on set on more than one occasion,” I interject, and shoot the judge a little smirk.  “He couldn’t even walk out of his trailer on a few specific dates.”  I put my own highlighted documents complete with photographs on the judges desk.  “The pictures show Mr. Gill at a very high level of intoxication on the day of an important commercial shoot.  Why should my client be forced to pay him for work that wasn’t completed per the contract that he signed?”

“Because it’s not written anywhere in the contract, protecting your client from paying out my client in a case such as this.”  Maggie directs her gaze intently at the judge.  “I’m not saying my client is a saint by any means, your honor.  But a contract is a legally binding document.  They must pay him what is due, and we fully intend to seek damages for pain and suffering.”

“Pain and suffering,” I scoff.  “If your client wasn’t wasted all day we wouldn’t be here.”

“Please keep the bickering to a minimum,” Judge Vale sighs, and looks back down at the documents.

“This is grounds for dismissal your honor,” I say.  “Mr. Gill was completely out of line, and the credibility of the contract went along with his issues.”

“While you have a point, Mr. Timberlake, the fact of the matter is, your client did not put a clause in this particular contract, recusing themselves for any substance abuse brought to the set by Mr. Gill.  For that reason alone, I cannot throw the case out.  Miss Dawson, you need to consult with your client, and decide whether it is in his best interest to have the outcome of this decided by a judge or jury.  In the meantime, Mr. Timberlake, I strongly suggest you consult with your client regarding a settlement to prevent a lengthy civil case.  You both have one week, and we will meet back in my chambers to discuss this more.”

He leaves us.  Mags and I exchange glances, and I let out the breath I had been holding since this whole thing started.  

“You held up pretty well.”  She smiles slyly and grabs her briefcase before rising out of the chair.  

“You still have me beat.” I whisper.  “You got the case to the next level.”

“You didn’t push as hard as I thought you would have to destroy me.”

I just shrug.  “Bryson is an idiot, but Pepsi is worse.  They try to get out of every obligation that they conjure up.”

“Don’t let Barry or Lawrence find out how you feel.”  She walks to the door and shoots me one last smile.  “See you in a week?”

I nod slightly.  “What um…what are you doing now?”

She opens the door, but can’t seem to make herself step outside of the judge’s chambers.  “Catching the subway.”

“Me too.  Want to ride together?”

She licks her lips nervously, stares at the floor, but eventually her gaze finds it’s way to mine again.  “I um…well, we can walk down to the train. You’re going to Penn aren’t you?”

“I was thinking about grabbing a bite or something.” I glance at my watch.  “It’s almost happy hour.”

“I doubt your surgeon would approve,” she rasps.

“Wings, Mags,” I smirk.  “Wings and coke.”

“Oh…um…” She runs a hand through her hair.  “Well I mean, Tad is probably waiting for me.”

“All right, cool.”  I can’t be upset.  It was a long shot.  “I’ll walk you to the subway at least.”

She nods slightly, but doesn’t say another word as she steps out into the hall and holds the door for me.  I shoot her a quick, nervous smile as I lead the way out of the building and into the hustle of Manhattan.

“So, you look…great, Justin.”  She finally says it after we’ve traveled a couple of blocks.  “You must be working really hard.”

“Yeah, I have been.  But you know, having Tyler around helps to keep me focused.  Most of the effort I put in was because of him.”

“Most?”

“Well…yeah.”   

We reach the subway stairs and she stares at me for a few moments.  “I didn’t want to walk away…that day, but I knew there wasn’t anything else I could do.  You know that, right?”

“I do, and…I’m glad you did it.  You needed that, and I needed to rebuild myself on my own.  If anything, I just want to be friends with you.  When you move, I was hoping we could email or something.  Who knows, I might have to travel there for work eventually.”

“Tad would love that, I’m sure,” she sighs, but smiles.

“I”m really proud of you, Mags.”  I say it quickly, wanting to get it out while I have the balls.  “Making partner…getting married, you have it all together.  It’s all I had ever wanted for you, even if I couldn’t be a part of the picture.  I just want you to know that, before this trial bullshit starts.”

She stares back at me, like she can’t believe what she’s hearing.  Yeah, maybe I have changed, or transformed back into that guy I used to be…somewhat anyway.  Being around her, I realize, makes me want to be that guy more than anything in the world.

But I’ve lost her.

“Oh what the hell,” she huffs.  “One happy hour, to celebrate?”

“Are you sure?” I laugh slightly.  “What about Tad?”

“He’s not my biggest fan at the moment, and I’d rather not go home just to have another argument with him.  I’ll see him later tonight.”

I immediately pull my phone out.  There’s two texts from Hannah asking me about dinner, and a voicemail from Barry, no doubt inquiring about how the case went and if I got it thrown out like he expected me to.  I turn my phone off.  “Sounds like a plan.”

I hail a cab for us, unsure of what the night will bring, but knowing that no matter what happens, she’ll be right by my side.

July 25, 2017
9:00am

Los Angeles County Jail (Inmate Reception Center)

450 Bauchet St, Los Angeles 90012  

“What’s he offering?”

My head is pounding.  Too many nights alone in a jail cell, sick with worry, has taken its toll on me.  I don’t sleep now.  I chew my fingernails and tug at my hair. I feel like I’m slowly going insane and I’m sure I must look like some kind of lunatic to him, even though he hasn’t said a word about it.

“It doesn’t matter.” Justin doesn’t look up from his paperwork as he speaks to me.  “We’re not taking a plea bargain.  You know better.  You’re innocent in all of this and we’re going to prove it.”

He’s so determined and in fills me up with a hope I haven’t known in months.  I want to hug him, but then…I don’t want to be near him at all because it makes me feel so damn sick inside.  I don’t get it, really.  It must be me because, for some fucked up reason, I have a longing inside for him.  I know that I physically miss him and I have for a really long time as much as it pains me to admit that.  I threw up my breakfast thinking about it.

I’ll never admit it to him.  I couldn’t take that kind of heartbreak.  I had my chance and I left.  This is my life now, and I’ll be damn lucky to walk away without any type of prison sentence.

“Justin…” I start to say more to him, but the ringing of his cell phone quickly silences me.  I watch him as he pulls it out, and my heart sinks when he looks at me again.  

“It’s Hannah,” he says gently.  “I have to take this, all right?”

I can’t even form a response, so I just nod and watch as he walks to the door and gets buzzed out into the hallway.  I wonder what she thinks of this.  She must want to kill me for interfering with her relationship yet again.  It’s uncanny. Somehow, fate always brings Justin and I back together, even if we don’t want to be. 

What does it mean though?

I wish I knew.

It takes more than twenty minutes for him to return.  He looks drained as he drags himself back over to the table and has a seat, immediately getting lost in his pile of paperwork again.

“Everything okay?”

“Hm?”  He glances at me just slightly.  “Yes…fine.”

It’s a lie, but given my situation, I doubt it’s my place to point that out.

  “She must be due soon.”

“The doctor told her it’ll be another week.”  He sweeps a hand across his forehead.  “I may have to fly home for a few days.  Someone may have to come here in my place depending on how things go, but I promise I’ll be back.”

“You shouldn’t leave your baby because of me, Justin.  Christ, go live your life, all right? I shouldn’t have called you.”

“But you did.  End of story.”

We stare at each other for just moments, and then he goes back to what he was doing.

“With any luck the judge will throw this out of court.  Either that, or Tad will wake up and admit that he’s the cause of all of this.”

I snort.  “Not likely.”

“Stranger things have happened, Mags.”

“He’s on life support.”

“From what they’re telling me, it’s just a coma.”

“What?”

He glances up at me.  “That’s the last update I got.  They took him off the ventilator and he can breathe on his own, but he’s still in a coma.”

“So he might live?”

“They couldn’t tell me that, but I’m praying that he does. At least that way we have a shot at an open and shut case.”

“He’ll put the whole thing on me, Justin.  He doesn’t want to lose his career and he certainly doesn’t want to go to jail.”

"It'll be your word against his," Justin sighs, reaching a hand through his hair as he rifles through the paperwork some more.  "A jury will sympathize with you, once we paint the story...if we even have to go to that extreme."

"I'd rather take the plea bargain."  

"I'd rather you just shut up and take my advice."

I stare at him, at the bags under his eyes, at the redness that has taken over the whites of them.  Days without sleep, mind filled with every type of worry.  A baby on the way.  A fiancé that has one foot out the door.

It's my fault.  

"Aren't you thinking about your own life?  A trial would keep you here for weeks...months..."

"If you're so worried about it, why'd you call me?" He laughs bitterly.  

"I didn't know what else to do." I look down at my lap, and wait for him to snap out another bitter response.

He never does.  It takes several minutes for him to say anything at all.

"You should have called me the first time he laid a hand on you."

I shake my head, pressing my lips together tightly to keep my sobs inside, before I can answer.  "I wanted to handle it on my own, and you were the last person I would have called at that point."

He nods slightly.  "I probably wouldn't have taken your call anyway."

"Well, I wouldn't' have blamed you."

"Why'd you bail on me?"  His voice is barely a whisper.  "Why did I wake up alone that morning?"

I shrug. 

"Maggie."

"I can't talk about this," I croak.  "Not here."

"I deserve an answer."

I look into his eyes.  The fatigue has been replaced with so much hurt, I can barely handle sitting in front of him.  "It was just a spur of the moment thing, Justin.  It never should have went as far as it did."

"Maybe." He leans forward, bringing his face closer to mine.  "But after everything, I think the least you could have done, was given me the chance to wake up next to you."

"Walking away from you, hurt less.  If I had waited, if I had spent that morning with you, I don't know how I would have been able to leave, and...I had to leave, Justin."  I shake my head and rub my eyes, clearing the new tears away.  "I had to live my life, and let you live yours."

"Or you were just too scared to see what could happen.  You could say that too, because you know that's the truth, Mags."  He flips the folders on the table closed.  "But this meeting isn't supposed to be about any of that, and I'm sorry."  He gathers everything up and slides himself out of his chair.  "I have a meeting with the judge in a couple of hours.  I'm going to push to get this thrown out of court before anything else can happen, or at the very least, get you released into my custody pending trial.  I'll keep you updated."

I watch him walk over to the door, partially defeated, but still keeping that professional confidence required of him.  "Justin."

He buzzes for the guard.  "I'll keep you updated."

"Justin, wait a second."

But he doesn't.  The door is opened, and with one small glance back at me, his eyes telling me that he's done talking about the other side of our lives, he leaves me there to be taken back to my cell.

July 25, 2017

10:00pm

The London West Hollywood

1020 N San Vicente Blvd, West Hollywood, CA 90069

I've worked some mind numbing cases in my career.  Some kept me up for days, others, a few weeks, because I refused to lose any battle, I refused to be less than perfect.  But this case? By far, it's the one that's wreaked the most havoc on my emotions.  In the courtroom today, following my meeting with Maggie, I poured everything I had into my argument in front of the judge, whipping out every tactic, every law trick I'd ever learned.  I fought harder for her than I had for any other client my entire career.

And the whole time, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest.

I still love her.  Still.  As broken as she is.  As selfish as she's been.  As much as I've moved on with my life.

Those feelings won't ever change.  I have to accept it.

The focus is getting back to New York, Hannah, and my baby that's on the way.  That's safe, that makes sense, no matter how angry Hannah might be with me right now.  She's not quite ready to turn her back on me, not after she worked so hard to get pregnant so she could trap me. Barking threats at me is just her way of trying to protect her investment, but she wouldn't leave.  She never leaves.

That's why I put up with her.  I don't have to be alone.

It's a crappy way to live.  The worst way to live.  Standing in front of that judge, fighting for Maggie's freedom ripped every emotion out of me today.  It showed me how far I had to go before I would ever fall out of love with her, and that Hannah was just a convenient replacement that happened to be pregnant with my child.  If the baby wasn't in the picture I wouldn't think twice about leaving her to pursue things with Maggie.

I'd have another chance, after all.

Because her case got thrown out.

I sat in the hallway after the judge made his ruling and deemed Maggie's case one of obvious self defense that never should have been brought in front of him to begin with.  I breathed a sigh of relief on that bench, and sobbed into my hands slightly, knowing I'd done it, I'd gotten her out, but had no idea what that meant for her.

It was stupid to think she would come back to me.  

I didn't go to see her.  I sent the update to the prison, and she should have been released a couple of hours ago.  I arranged a car for her, and a room here at this hotel, until she can decide what her next move will be.  I'll stay for an extra day to ensure she can handle herself, and then I'll go back to New York, determined to put my life back where it was, even though I don't know how all of this is going to affect her life, personally or professionally.  The judge may have thrown the case out, but that won't change public perception of what happened between her and Tad, or any attempts he or his family may make to file a civil case against her.

I just can't save her anymore.  Not if I want a fighting chance at raising my daughter, and Hannah uses that as a weapon against me.  She knows I love the baby and want the baby, so she'll stop at nothing to ensure I focus on her and only her.  I may be a good lawyer, but Hannah is cunning.  She'll get her way in the end, and I'm not ready to lose my daughter over an attempt at having...something...with Maggie.  
I love her, but she's not worth that, as painful as it is to admit.

I finish packing my suitcase, and settle in with room service and a pointless sitcom.  I don't call Hannah.  I can't stomach another belittling conversation with her tonight, and I pray she decides to leave well enough alone until I get back to the city.  Just a day without her griping and bitching would clear my head a lot, and it's important I get that.  I've contemplated turning my phone off more than once, but in fear of the firm or a client trying to get a hold of me, I've kept it on.

It starts to ring halfway through another episode of Friends, and my stomach turns, dreading who might be calling.  I clutch the phone in my hand, not allowing myself to look at the caller ID as I answer.

 "Timberlake."  

I wince in anticipation.

"Hey."

Maggie.

I rub my face with my free hand and flick the TV off.  "Hey, did you get released?"

"Yeah, just pulled up to the hotel and got checked in.  I thought I should call...just to let you know. I was...sort of hoping you would have called before my papers came through."

"Yeah...well..." I trail off and manage to get my thoughts together being sure to avoid they subject of why I didn't call her.  "I mean, it's great great they got you out so quickly.  I'm glad you got settled.  Just let me know if anything else comes up, but you're free to leave whenever you want.  Have a good night, and good luck."

I try to hang up.

"Justin, wait a second."

I sigh.  "Maggie I just...I need to go."

"I wanted to thank you," she says quickly.  "For whatever battle you fought for me today.  I...I know that I didn't deserve anything from you, and you still did everything you could for me."

"I...I wouldn't have let them take you down like that.  But I just, I can't go there with you anymore.  I can't focus on you anymore.  I shouldn't have even started that conversation at the jail today.  That was stupid on my part.  Things went down a certain way, and the best thing I can do is accept it, and move on."

"I understand." She says it quietly.  "I just...I wish you the best with everything, you know?  I don't want there to be any bitter feelings between us."

"Yeah." I pinch the bridge of my nose, squeeze my eyes shut, holding in every single thing my heart wants me to say right now.  I won't do it.  I refuse to do it anymore.  "I appreciate it, Maggie."

"Good luck, Justin," she says quietly.

"Yeah.  You too."

She hangs up first, and I know now more than ever, that I'll never see her again.

I do my best to get to sleep after I finish eating, but I keep tossing, turning, and waking up from some strange dream that's mixed with Maggie and Hannah and Benjamin all telling me what they think my life should be like.  I can't get their voices out of my head, so I stagger into the bathroom and run the faucet, splashing freezing cold water on my face over and over again until I'm panting so hard that I'm forced to stop.  I'm a fucking mess, and alone.  I sob as I slide down onto the tile, rub my face harshly, and grab my phone from my trouser pocket, since I never changed out of my court clothes today.  It's four am in New York, but I know that Hannah is probably awake, uncomfortable without me being there, and even more so because of how pregnant she is.  I call her despite how much I don't want to, desperate to hear a calming voice, to hear her tell me everything will be fine once I get back to her.  That she'll take care of me.

"It's four am, Justin."

I blow out a silent breath.  "I needed to hear your voice."

She snorts a disgusted laugh.  "Since when?"

I lean my head back against the base of the sink.  She has a point, as much as I don't want to admit that right now.  "I...just thought we could talk."

"Your so pathetic, you know that?  What happened Justin? Did things not work out with Maggie?"

The answer, truthfully, is no.  I brought up what happened in New York and she blew me off, while I thought she may have come around, told me how she felt, so I could try to work things out with her.  That didn't happen, and now I have to wake up and deal with reality.  The reality is Hannah.  The reality is my baby.  That's what I need to get back to.

 "That wasn't why I came here."

"You can feed me that crap until you're blue in the face.  You forget I'm smarter and I know otherwise.  Are you all alone in your hotel room Justin? Are you restless or having trouble dealing with Maggie's rejection?  I heard you got her off, I bet you poured everything you had into this one, didn't you?"

"I didn't call you for this," I say darkly.  "I called to talk to you about us."

"If it wasn't for your father, there wouldn't be an us.  I was ready to leave you.  I had my bags packed, and your shit was in the hallway.  Then your father gave me a call.  Did you know he offered me money just to stay with your pathetic, scheming ass, Justin? Gave me some song and dance about how the all that cocaine affected your judgement and you'd been through too much since Fay died, and that Maggie was just a way of you venting all of that out of your system?  He practically begged me to say," she cackles.  "Like I was your last glimmer of fucking hope or something. He's lucky I can fake compassion so easily, even with this pregnancy."

"He paid you?"  I sound like a fucking idiot.  

"Yes, Justin.  He paid me.  Probably to save you the trouble of having to do it out of your own pocket with all those child support payments you were about to owe me for the next eighteen years.  So I'm here, with the stipulation that when you get home, you are to listen to every word I say, and do everything I ask of you.  You'll run your life on the schedule I make up for you.  You'll have your career, you'll come home, and you'll spend all your free time with the baby and with me, like you're supposed to.  If you don't comply, I'll crush you like the little pussy you really are, and believe me when I tell you, Benjamin is done being so forgiving when it comes to your issues.  He'll crush you just as quickly when you come crawling back to him for help."

"We're not married yet.  You can't just..."

"I can.  I have your daughter, and I can send her away to any boarding school I wish.  You'll never see her, because I'll make sure of it.  I can make it so she never knows who you are.  You'll be a stranger to her.  Some man that made love to her mother, never a father.  She'll resent you her whole life for that."

Her words are stone cold.  I know how real the situation is now.

"You'll be home tomorrow then?"

I can hear her sly smile through the phone.  I want to smash it against the wall, scream, cry, tell her how much I fucking hate her and the trap she's put me in.  But I can't.  I can't do any of that, because she'll take the one thing I have left, away from me.  

"Justin?"

"I'll be home tomorrow."  I croak.

"That's great baby." Her voice softens back to its normal tone.  "You know...I don't want to be like this with you.  I want us to be happy.  I know we can be, as long as you do your part, and now, I'm positive that you will.  I'll see you tomorrow."

She hangs up.

For a long time, I just sit there, stunned.  I shouldn't be this shocked, I know.  Hannah is manipulative.  Hannah gets what she wants, especially from me, now she just has a pawn to intimidate me with.  Unfortunately it's our daughter.  I hate her for this.

I hate Benjamin for enabling her.

But there's nothing I can do now, except comply.

November 24, 2017 

2:30pm

The Blanch Law Firm

261 Madison Ave 

New York, NY 10016

It took another month for Tad to open his eyes and three more weeks before he would be able to find his voice again.  I wasn't by his bedside, I didn't call, and I didn't text his mother to find out how he was doing.  Instead, I made it a point to file for divorce the minute I was back in New York.  Despite the hundreds of phone calls and hate letters I would receive regarding Tad's near brush with death, I never caved in, never gave the press a statement forgiving Tad for what he did to me, and managed to stand my ground all on my own.  There were rumors of a civil case looming against me, in fact, I was subpoenaed, and I began looking for another attorney.  Before I could hire one though, the case was suddenly dropped. 

Then the call came.  It was early one morning, around four am New York time, but I knew it was only one am in LA.  I let the phone go to voicemail several times, before the tenth go around came, and I became tired of hiding from him.  I took my chance and answered.
"I'm not ready to talk," I said quietly. 

"Can you give me five minutes, Maggie?" 

Tad's voice was scratchy and weak, and I knew he still hadn't fully recovered.  The intimidation that had been in his voice since we got married was missing though, and I started to let my guard down just slightly.  I thought maybe I owed him five minutes to explain himself, even though I hated what he did.  "I just...I don't want to get into anything with you, Tad.  I've been through enough, and you know what you did."

"I'm not...I'm not going to put anything on you, Maggie.  I just want a chance to explain things, if there's any chance of doing that in a way you can understand.  I've been messed up for a really long time, and...I wish that I could have kept a level head for you, because you deserved the best part of me, not this part.  Never this part.  I need help, and I told the DA everything yesterday.  He said if you don't decide to file charges, I can go to a rehab center to try and get myself sorted out."
It wasn't an apology call, and I laughed bitterly into the phone.  He was calling me before the DA could, so he could avoid a trial, and possibly keep his career in check.  "You're looking to dodge a trial and keep the media out of this.  You realize they're still pointing the finger at me right?"

"Maggie look..."

"I was in prison," I said harshly.  "They were trying to tell people that I did that to you on purpose, and no one from your family came to my defense.  The only reason...god...the only reason why I'm free right now is because Justin stood in as my council and fought to get my charges thrown out of court.  Why the hell should I not file charges, Tad?  You made me live in terror...everyday."

"I don't feel good about it.  I just want to move on."

"No.  Just forget it.  You can deal with what I've been dealing with."  I began to pull the phone from my ear so I could hang up on him.

"I can pay.  I'll agree to whatever divorce agreement you put together, Maggie.  Just please...please just let me have my life back.  I promise I won't contact you again.  I'll put the blame on me.  My publicist will put together a statement putting me at fault, but telling everyone I'm seeking help.  No one will blame you for this anymore.  If anything, they'll sympathize and you won't have a problem getting back to work."

I'm not a vindictive person.  Mostly, I'm too nice for my own good, and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to have Hannah Monroe's balls and tell him that I wasn't going to back down.  I started to think about what pressing charges against him would really be doing for me.  Getting revenge? I had never been about that.  I couldn't help but think that Tad really did need more than a prison sentence to correct himself.  He needed professional help instead of a prison cell and I wasn't heartless enough to cast that aside just to give him a taste of what he'd put me through.  

"I'll have my lawyer put something together."

"Maggie..." He let out a huge sigh.  "I can't thank you enough.  You have no idea..."

"If I find out that you put your hands on anyone else, I'll make sure you pay for it."

I hung up on him.  He didn't call back.  A week later my attorney contacted his with my demands, and I overnighted my wedding band and engagement ring to his mother.  I received possession of our condo in Los Angeles, which I quickly sold for the cash, along with a Porsche convertible, which is currently parked in my buildings garage in midtown.  I bought a bigger place with the sale of the condo and my old apartment put together, a small penthouse in midtown that overlooks Rockerfeller Center worth a little over a million dollars.  I like to sit by the window most days after work, looking over casework and the people milling around down below.  It comforts me, makes me feel like I'm a part of something, since I'm completely on my own now.

My family worries about me. My sister came to stay with me for a couple of weeks after I got settled back in New York, but having her around was more bothersome than comforting.  All she wanted me to do was get out of the house and meet new people, possibly find a new boyfriend.  It was the last thing I wanted.  I told her that too, perhaps a little too harshly, and a couple of days later, she was on her way back to Boston.

We talk on the phone sometimes, but not often enough.  For awhile I was close to her and my parents, but now I avoid my family like the plague because I'm not up to talking about the last four months of my life or what happened between Tad and I in Los Angeles.  My father sent me a text last week, putting in a last ditch effort to invite me to Thanksgiving, but I simply declined, and he didn't push me.  I spent yesterday alone, at the window, watching the Macy's parade floats drift by my window, getting lost in their fantasy as I ate my microwaved Boston Market turkey dinner I'd gotten the night before on the way back from the office.  I caught up on some pending casework, and it made me content enough.  I was happy not to be living in fear of Tad's explosive behavior for once.  It should have been enough.

But then my mind would drift back to Justin, and I couldn't help but wonder how his first Thanksgiving with his baby was going, and if he was finally happy being with Hannah.  I caught a glimpse of her on Live! A couple of weeks back.  She's having a lavish winter wedding at the Ritz Carlton, and the details are all the rage of the show.

I couldn't know for sure how Justin was doing.  She barely mentioned him, and it bothered me enough to take a sleeping pill and pass out.
He cut me off abruptly once I was released from prison.  Too abruptly, considering how intense our prison consultations had been.  I figured he would have been the one to contact me about my release, but instead a corrections officer simply came and escorted me to processing.  When I got to the hotel, I called because I thought he would have wanted to at least say goodbye, but he rushed me off the phone.  I haven't heard from him since that day, and I wish...I wish I knew the whole reason.
I mean, was it really because I walked out on him that morning at the W?  I want to believe it, but at the same time, he did enough fucked up things to me in our relationship for me to do that same thing...cut him off for good, but I never did.  Every chance encounter always led me back to a  friendship with him, sometimes more.

I wish I could get one more chance, just to say goodbye properly.  I know he's still at the firm, but I feel it wouldn't be right to corner him on the phone at work.

Maybe this is it.  Maybe he just needed to move on, and be done with our whole thing.

I want to be done with him.

But something aches inside of me, constantly.

It's Black Friday here at the office, and while the entire staff is off enjoying their holiday weekend, I'm here, in the dark, putting in some overtime on a few cases that I feel need some extra love.  After submitting several applications once Tad made his statement, and going in for several interviews, I was offered a partnership with The Blanch Law firm.  We handle criminal justice cases for clients of all types, and I find the work more rewarding than corporate law or entertainment law.  I'm the only woman partner in the firm, but the other lawyers treat me with respect, and the rest of the staff is wonderful. I'm not stressed here, and I'm able to pick the cases I want to handle.  I guess that's why I don't mind working all this overtime.  It keeps my mind off how lonely I am.

Around three, my stomach starts to growl louder than it has been since noon, so I decide to give in and call it a day after ten hours at my desk.  I take the elevator down and walk out on to the crowded city sidewalk, getting jostled in between people walking and tourists staring blankly in the decorated retail windows and up at the huge skyscrapers.  I'm glad my restaurant of choice is only a couple of blocks walk from the office.  Morini, an Italian restaurant that is owned by one of my partners son in law's, has become one of my favorite go to places in the city recently. Naturally, when I walk in it's packed full of people, but the maitre d' recognizes me with a smile, and puts me in a secluded section at the back of the house, where only a few scattered, most likely elite couples, are seated for a quiet lunch.

Paradise.

I order my trademark Pinot Noir, and a salad, then hightail it to the restroom. Naturally, there's a line.  I've never understood why women take so much longer than men in the restroom.  

Fucking tourists.

I turn, deciding to hold it, and walk right into a man coming out of the bathroom.

"Shit, sorry.  My fault."

 He grips my upper arm gently before I can fall backward, and pulls me close to him.  I laugh slightly as he lets go, and look up to thank him.

Justin is staring back at me.

 "Maggie?"

He's taken back, shifting himself up against the wall beside the men's room door.  For a moment, all we can seem to do is stare at each other.  He's dressed in a wool sweater and khakis, normal, but the stubble and intense bags under his eyes aren't.  I want to run away, and I'm guessing he does too, but neither of us move.

"Hi." I look at the floor.  

"I um...I have to get back to the...are you eating here?"  He glances down the hall that leads back to the dining area with wide, fearful eyes.

"I was planning to." I roll my eyes.  "Should I not?"

"I mean..."  He looks back at me with a pathetic gaze.  "It might be better...you know, Hannah...just...it might be uncomfortable."

"You're fucking ridiculous.  I don't give a damn if Hannah is here.  What does it matter?"  

"Maggie," he croaks, and his eyes grow sad, lifeless really.  "Please."

I stare at him, bewildered.  It's like...he's afraid.  But why?  "Are you scared or something?"

"I...no...just..."

"Justin? Justin are you coming? Your parents just got here and we're trying to get started..."

Hannah comes around the corner then, accompanied by a large man in a professional looking suit who I can only assume is a hired bodyguard.  He has an earpiece, which lets me know he's not the only one supervising their luncheon today. Hannah is holding a little baby in her arms that's resting it's head against her chest.  She has light blond hair like Hannah's that curls like Justin's, with his eyes and nose to match.  I can't help but smile, but when I meet his gaze again, he looks like the wind has just been knocked out of him.

"Well, Maggie."  Hannah boosts the baby up her arms gently, and glances at Justin only slightly before returning her attention to me.  "What a nice surprise."

"Hi Hannah," I nod.  "I ran into Justin on my way to the bathroom.  I was about to have lunch."

"Really." She flashes a fake smile and cocks her head as she looks at Justin.  The guard glares at him intimidatingly, and I swear I see Justin cringe.  "What a chance encounter, honey.  You must be so excited."

The smile on her face quickly disappears, and she retreats back to the dining room without another word.

"Let's go," The guard grunts it at him, almost commandingly, and retreats off after Hannah.

"I have to go."  Justin stares at the man's backside and shakes his head roughly as a deep expression of regret appears on his face.

"Who is that guy?" I whisper.  

"Just stay away from me."  He snaps the words without meeting my gaze, and brushes me aside to meet his fiancé in the dining area. I linger for a few moments, still being able to see them at the end of the hallway.  She starts questioning him angrily, her guard standing just within earshot and Justin seems more apologetic than I ever thought possible.  He tries to take the baby at one point and I watch as the guard pushes Justin back just roughly enough to make him back down, but not draw attention to the scene.  Hannah storms further into the dining area, and he covers his face with his hands, rubbing it harshly for several moments before pulling himself together.  He starts to glance back towards the bathrooms, and I take it as my cue to duck into the ladies room before he can catch me spying.

I lean against the cool tile, panting harshly.  What the hell was that?  Our past aside, I don't get why Hannah would have been so mad at him for simply bumping into me by chance.  And Justin...

Justin has never treated me that way before, even when he wanted to avoid me more than anything else.  There's more to this, but I have no idea what it is, or how I can help him.  Who is that guy? Why does he seem like some kind of prison guard?

It's scaring me.  I want to run to him, take his hand, and get him the hell away from her and whatever crazy shit she's got him roped into.
But I know I can't.  He'd never leave the baby, that's apparent.  That's what Hannah is holding over him, and she's using it to her full advantage.  She has more power now that she's hosting such a popular nationwide show, has access to more than Justin does, despite his status in the legal world.  

It's like he's a prisoner.  

Her prisoner. 

I shudder.

November 24, 2017

6pm

Hannah and Justin's Penthouse

1043 5th Ave New York, NY 10011

"I told you a thousand times, I didn't know she was going to be there."

Hannah paces back and forth in front of me, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, clicking her tongue as she decides whether or not she should believe me.  "When it comes to Maggie, I know you have a bad habit of lying."

Fitz keeps my left arm firmly pinned behind my back, twisting it ever so slightly when he thinks I'm about to try and pull away.  He doesn't get it though.  I stopped fighting him off weeks ago.  "Do you honestly think I'd lie to you at this point? I told her to leave.  She wouldn't!  I swear to god, Hannah!"

She sighs after a few moments, and uncrosses her arms.  "Let him go.  I want a few minutes alone."

Fitz does it after another moment, and shoves me roughly to the floor.  
"I'm gonna be right outside that door.  Don't give me a reason to come back in," he grits roughly in my ear, before walking away and out of the room.  

It's only when I hear the door slam closed behind him, that I allow myself to breathe normally again.  I whimper slightly, my arm throbbing as Hannah crouches down to meet my gaze.  "I think I believe you."

I nod slightly.  "I swear I'm not lying."  The tears glide down my face.  I hate myself for letting her see just how broken I've become.  "I swear."

She takes my face gently in her hands, and gives me a lingering kiss on the lips, which I return, eagerly, hoping it will get her mind off of this afternoon.

I'll do anything.

When I returned to New York, things changed right away.  Hannah was just a week away from her due date, but she had already put several things in place to keep an eye on my behavior before the baby was born.  The network had provided her a team of security at her request, and at first, I thought it might have been a good thing.  Being on national television does bring it's share of crazies to the table, after all, so any extra help keeping them away from us and the baby had to be better.  

It wasn't better, and protecting our family wasn't her reason for hiring them.

They've been hired to keep me in line, away from the baby when she demands it, and to monitor my movements every single day so she'll know if I'm doing anything or talking to anyone she doesn't like.  A guard drives me to work, escorts me up to my floor, and circles my office building for the duration of my work day.  If I go to lunch, he follows me, if I meet with clients elsewhere in the city, he's right there with me.  If I go to argue a case in court, he sits outside the courthouse, waiting.  If I have to fly out for a business trip, I'm given a two guard detail and remanded to my hotel room and my places of business for the duration.   I pass their presence off to my peers and clients as something the network wants for Hannah's protection.  They buy it.  It's easier for them to just buy it, and it's not exactly that far fetched.  Fitz is very accommodating in front of the people I deal with, because Hannah has demanded his discretion, as not to hurt my career. 

Once, in the beginning, while on an overnight trip to New Jersey for a meeting with a client, I tried to run.  This particular hotel room had a fire escape outside the window, and I took a change of clothes and went down the ladder and onto the street.  I got two blocks before the second guard caught me, and I cursed myself for not being smarter.
It was the was the last time I would try to run, and the first time I realized Hannah's security guards carried a weapon on them.

He pressed his gun into my back and forced me back to the hotel, where Fitz was waiting for me in the lobby.  He didn't draw his gun, but he didn't have to.  Knowing he carried one was enough to scare me into doing whatever either of them told me from that point on.  We called Hannah once I was back in my room, and Fitz made me tell her what happened.  Naturally, she was pissed.  She said I would have to be taught a lesson, and left Fitz to do the rest of the job.

I was beaten so badly, I had to cancel the rest of my trip, and was discreetly transported back to the city, where a doctor tended to my wounds in the privacy of our penthouse.  I had two bruised ribs and cuts that wouldn't heal for almost three weeks.  I worked from home, and could barely get out of bed for most of that time.  A nurse was hired to tend to me around the clock, I wasn't allowed to see the baby and Hannah didn't visit me once.  We told the firm that I had the flu.  They bought it, as always.

I don't fight back anymore.  At this point, I fear for my life.

Benjamin has been in on this from the beginning.  He says it's for my own good.  That Hannah and her family are the best thing to secure my future and my children's future.  I begged him to help me.  To get me and the baby away from her. 

He refused.  He said if I tried to leave, he'd make sure I was found.
I can't believe this is what my life has become.  I think of Fay sometimes.  I think of what she would do if she was still with me.  I know she would help me, like I helped her.

But she's not here.  No one is, except for Hannah.

Hannah forced me to sell the house in Oyster Bay right after the baby was born,  Tyler was sent to live with my parents again, after I gave him a tearful goodbye, and we moved into a three story pent house on fifth avenue.  With her new contract, she's making more money than I ever have, and with our salaries combined we can afford to live a lavish lifestyle, and she does.  I'm given a hundred dollars a week for myself, and I'm only able to access more funds when she gives me permission, another way to keep me trapped here.  At the end of the week she checks to make sure I've spent the entire sum, and haven't hidden it anywhere.  She doesn't want me to have a stash.  She knows that could lead to my escape.

The penthouse comes complete with surveillance cameras in all areas of the house, and a dedicated, 24 hour watch team.  I'm not allowed out after eight pm, unless it's to do something with Hannah, or something work related, and more security detail has been hired to watch all the ways out of the penthouse to ensure I can't leave.  I try not to admit that I'm a prisoner...her prisoner.  I try to think that I have few freedoms because of the baby.  I need to comply because we need to a be a family, and we can't be one if I have distractions.  That's what I tell myself, every single day.

I'll lose my mind otherwise.

My happiest moment was holding Mackayla for the first time.  She was born on a Saturday morning just before the fall.  Despite the guards overbearing presence, Hannah made the whole thing really special for me, sending them into the hall so the three of us could be alone together.  Her labor went beautifully, and the only thing she could seem to do was smile as the nurse placed my daughter into my arms.  It was like no other happiness I've ever felt, knowing I created something so precious, and beautiful.  All I wanted to do was melt away into Mackayla, and let her know how much I loved her.  How much I always would.

It's the one thing Hannah has been able to give me, that I don't regret.  
It's the only thing.

It's also what she holds over me the most.  When she's really angry with me, she doesn't mind keeping Mackayla away from me for a month if it means I'll back down and do as she says.  That's how she got control over my bank account, and my incoming money from the firm.  It all gets funneled into her accounts, to with as she wishes.  I accept my pathetic allowance.  I have no choice, if I want to be able to see my daughter.  

"If you see her again, you're to tell me immediately," Hannah whispers, still in a half smile.  "Do you promise?"

"I will," I rasp.  "Hannah..."

She kisses me again.  "It's okay, Justin.  It's fine.  I'm not angry with you.  It was just a misunderstanding."  She pulls her phone out, and calls Fitz.  He's back in the room within a few seconds, and I'm helped back to my feet.  

"Can I see the baby," I ask softly, allowing Fitz to grip me by my upper arm.  

Today, we had a food sampling at that Italian place as a possible catering prospect for our wedding next month.  Hannah brought Mackayla, and it was the first time I was able to be close to her in days.  She wouldn't let me hold the baby, but just being able to sit beside her was enough for me.  Before the whole Maggie thing happened, I was able to give her a kiss on top of the head.  It was fuzzy and warm and her skin smelled of baby powder and a hint of lilac.

"I don't know...Justin...it's been a long day."  She crosses her arms at me.

Punished.  I'm being punished despite this not being my fault.

"Hannah, I'm begging you," I whimper again.  "Pleas let me see her." 

"Take him to his room, Fitz," she tells him with a yawn.  "For the night."

"Let's go." He roughly yanks me back towards the door.

"Why are you doing this!" I scream it at her.  "I've sacrificed everything for you! I've done everything you've asked!"

"So keep doing it."  Her gaze is dark.  "This is how you learn, Justin.  I'll see you in the morning."

"Hannah!" I scream her name one last time as I'm dragged through the door by Fitz.  For the first time in awhile I fight against him, but he tosses me down to the floor, his knee pressed into the middle of my back. I feel the zip ties pulling my wrists together from behind just moments later, and my body sags in defeat.  It's no use.  If I keep pushing back he'll do more than just this, so I allow him to haul me back to my feet and I walk obediently to my designated suite.  I'm shoved roughly through the door, and the zip ties are cut away once I'm further back into the bedroom.  Fitz takes my cell phone from me, as usual, and I feel the surveillance cameras zooming in on me from every angle as the door slams closed, and the electronic locks click into place.
I scream and kick the door, shout obscenities at the cameras, hoping Hannah might be watching and give a damn.  Deep down I know she isn't, and even if she was,  she'd just be laughing at how pathetic I am, and how much control she has over her supposed fiancé.

Tired and defeated, I drag myself to the bathroom and splash water on my face.  It doesn't help though, and eventually I force myself back out to the suite and collapse on the bed, eyeing the bottle of aspirin on my nightstand.

Would it be better just to take it all? Let my eyes close and fade away?
I pull it to me, study it, knowing that right now, it's the one way I have to escape from all of this.  If I don't, I'll be forced to marry her, and live my life like this...trapped...a prisoner.

I just...I just don't want to do that to my daughter.  I know the picture Hannah will paint of me.  Mackayla will know me as a loser and a quitter.  Not someone who cherished her with ever part of himself.

I throw the pill bottle across the room, the rage coursing through my body as I stand on the bed, looking into the camera that points down on me every night while I sleep.  "Damn it!  Let me out!  Hannah! Hannah!"  

I pull it from it's place above, enraged, throwing it and it's wires across the room, the tears streaming down my face.  She's told me never to touch the cameras.

I just don't give a fuck anymore.  I'm going insane.

The room is half torn apart by the time the door bursts open.  I see flashes of Fitz and his goons, and of Hannah standing by the door way.  They muscle me to the floor, pinning my arms behind me, and I feel a knee pressing harshly into my back once again, rendering me helpless.

"Justin," Hannah sighs tiredly.  "What are you doing?"

"You can't just keep me prisoner," I grit out, feeling the trickle of blood flowing out of my nose, and down the front of my face.

She smirks and crosses the room to where I'm pinned down, crouching down like she did earlier, to meet my level.  "Oh Justin," she smooths her fingers over my face, and runs them through my messy hair.  "It's not really like that.  I just have to make sure you don't...get any stupid ideas in that brain of yours.  You still have a career, and a beautiful home."

"You run my life, Hannah."

She huffs.  "Get off him and go.  We'll be fine."

They follow her orders immediately, and leave us.  I don't hear the locks click, trapping us inside, but even if I got out of this room, there's no where to run.  

She silently gets to her feet and sits on the edge of my bed, while I painstakingly try to sit up.  I cough a little, and lean against the base of the sofa, across from Hannah.

"Here."  She pulls some tissues out of the box on my nightstand and tosses them at me.  "You're a god damn mess, Justin."
I press them to my bloody nose and glare at her.  

"Do you realize that I'm trying to protect us?" She leans forward and rests her elbows on her thighs.  "That I'm looking out for your best interest?"

"Locking me in my bedroom isn't looking out for my best interest."  I sniffle and press the tissues to my nose again.  

"You'd leave me the first chance you had," she says, seriously.

"Not without my baby."

A flash of intimidation crosses her expression.  "That's right.  Not without the baby, and that is exactly why things need to be this way, because you'd take her and run the instant I gave you more freedom."

"How long do you think you can keep me like this? A year? Two years? Mackayla is going to get older, and start asking questions about why daddy gets locked in his bedroom at night.  What about the wedding? Are you going to put guards in our room while you fuck me on our wedding night?"

She lunges at me and slaps me across the face, and I try to grab her, but she kicks me in the gut hard, sending me keeling over in pain.  "Should I call Fitz and the boys back in?" She whispers it in my ear as I groan in pain.  

"Hannah...just, please, can't you see reason in all of this?  You control everything I have.  I'm just asking you for some time with our daughter and not to be held captive in our house.  I don't think that's asking for much, considering."

She sighs harshly, once again, and reclaims her place at the edge of the bed, while my gut continues to pulse with pain.  "The eight o'clock curfew has to stay the same, and the cameras stay in place."

"Fine."

"I guess...I can let you go to work without a guard, as a test.  You'll have to wear a tracking device on your ankle, and follow my guidelines of where you can and can't go unescorted during the day."  She chews on the corner of her bottom lip for a moment.  "But you'll still be dropped off and picked up at the end of the day, and your business trips with the two guard detail stay in place."

"What about Mackayla?."

"If you follow the rules, you can spend time with the two of us after work every night, and all day on the weekends."

"I want more money."

"You don't need any money.  If you need something you can't afford with the allowance, you can ask me about it.  I don't need you booking a flight out of the country behind my back."

I shake my head slightly.

"That's all I'm offering, Justin.  If you don't like it, we can keep everything the same."

I snort out a bitter laugh.  "I guess I don't have a choice."

She holds her hands out to me.  "Come lay with me."

I hate doing it.  I hate touching her now, and I hate when she touches me, but I have to do it if I want to get my way.  Slowly, painstakingly, I pull myself up from the floor, and crawl into the bed with her.  She wraps me in her arms, and I allow myself to lay my head against her chest.  The tears come quickly.  I hate it, but I can't hold them back.

"I know this is hard for you," she whispers as I sob into her chest.  "I know it is.  But we'll get through it.  I promise.  All I need you to do is listen to me Justin, and love me back."

I can't say anything, so I don't.  I just sob into her, wrapped in her arms, until she begins to kiss my neck and move her hands down to my belt buckle.  I force myself to get it together, and kiss her back, helping her remove my belt, then my khakis, boxers and sweater, before getting her clothes off too.  I make love to her, the only way I can, hard, aggressively, getting all of my pain out in every move, every pull of her hair, and every climatic moment.

She falls asleep soon after, and I gaze at her, running my fingers down her perfect skin, trying to remember how we got to this extreme.

Maggie.

Maggie has made her cage me up like this, keep me from my child, and have her goons punish me for any pushback to her rules.

It's her fault.

No.

Wait.

This is what she wants.  Hannah wants me to resent Maggie.  To want nothing to do with Maggie.

I pull away from a sleeping Hannah slightly, shaking my head roughly.  
I told Mags to stay away from me today.  I've never said that to her, in all the years we've known each other.  There was my chance to reach out, to tell her how Hannah has me trapped, and all I could do was stare at her, terrified of what Hannah might do if she caught me, and push her away.

"God Mags," I say as I look up at the ceiling, softly enough that the cameras won't pick up on the sound.  "I wish I could tell you what's become of me."

December 8, 2017

8am

New York County Courthouse

60 Centre Street

New York, NY 10007

I haven't slept well since my chance encounter with Justin two weeks ago.  Whenever I fall asleep, I dream of him, of his hollow, sad eyes, and his terrified expression.  I try to help him, but he fades away, and I wake up in a cold sweat.

Needless to say I've plunged head first into my casework, barely fitting in enough leisure time to finish my morning coffee.  It keeps me focused...the work.  Energized, not thinking about things I shouldn't be.  That's what's important.  I can't focus on Justin, because he doesn't want me to.  I’ve won my last three cases, which I guess is the best thing to come out of this.

But in reality, being extremely successful at my job doesn’t fulfill me like it should.

It’s Friday, one of the busiest court house days in the legal world.  It’s a day to get everything important handled before the weekend, so your client has a chance of spending it outside of a jail cell.  I have five hearings this morning alone, plus two more jury selections after lunch.  It’s definitely a great evening to settle in for an extended happy hour.  

It just sucks going alone, or with my colleagues at the office, who are all well into their fifties.  It’s just not the same.
r32;But Justin isn’t the same, and neither am I.

I’m ready for a stiff drink by the end of the fifth hearing, having one too many heated objections with the DA.  Since I never drink on the job, I decide to dig into my emergency pack of cigarettes  instead .  After I left Harrison and Fink, I was never quite able to shake the habit, even though I limit myself to no more than four or five a week, and I have to be especially tense.  

I push myself through the backdoor of the courthouse, breathing out a sigh of relief as the cold winter air whips through my hair.  It feels refreshing, and the fact that I don’t see anyone else out here is a bonus.  I like being alone with my thoughts after such a trying morning.  Smiling, I pull out my pack along with my lighter, and light up, taking my first blissful dosage of nicotine, my workday worries escaping as I exhale the smoke.

That's when I hear it.

It’s the smallest of whimpers, almost childlike, but not quite.  I turn to my left, where I think the sound is coming from, taking another long drag of my cigarette.

My stomach lurches.

Justin is huddled against a shredded document dumpster, the neck of his overcoat pulled up to the sides of his face so it will block the cold as he smokes his cigarette.  Each time he takes a drag, I can see his hand trembling, and it's not from the cold.  When his coat sleeve slips down, I see a deep red indentation all the way around his wrist, and I’m too smart not to realize that it’s a ligature mark .

I feel sick.  I can't take this.  I can't just stand by, knowing something horrible is happening to him.  So I take my opportunity and walk closer to him.  "Hey."

He snaps to attention at the sound of my voice, but doesn't say a word when his eyes land on me.  Once again, he looks absolutely terrified.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"You have to get out of here," he whispers, looking over his shoulder and all around.  "I mean it.  I can't be seen talking to you."

"What the hell is going on!" I yell it at him.

He drops the cigarette and squashes it with his foot, abruptly jumping to his feet and bolting to the door.  I'm too quick for him though, and race forward to block his path before he can run back inside the courthouse.

"Move."  His eyes narrow darkly, but I can see his hand trembling on the door handle.  

"I'm not moving until you tell me what's going on."

"Move."  He grits it more harshly this time, his eyes glistening with tears that I'm sure he doesn't want me to see.

I shove him back. "I'm not moving."

"Don't!"  He covers his face protectively when my hands connect with his body.  "Please!"

I stand back.  He's cowering before me, as if I was about to hit him.  "I'm...Justin...I'm not going to hurt you, okay?  Calm down...would you look at me please?"

It takes him a long while, but finally, he begins to lower his arms away from his face, still taking an opportunity to glance over his shoulder.  "Maggie," he begins to sob again.  "Please just go...please."
 
I step towards him, somehow managing to keep my emotions in check for his sake.  Inside my heart is crumbling.  I can tell that he's dealing with something that's causing him serious emotional trauma, so I take my time before I place my hand on his sleeve.  He allows my touch, and so, I slowly move the fabric up his arm to reveal what I knew was already there.  "What happened to your wrists?"

He yanks his arm away.  "Nothing."

I narrow my eyes.  "Justin."

"He's making his rounds.  He'll see us talking," he says in a rushed, crazy sounding whisper.

"You don't know what will happen...Mags..."

I take his hands in mine.  "Is someone threatening you?"

He shakes his head very roughly, as he wipes harshly at his face.  

"Did someone..." I pause and take a long breath.  "Did someone tie your hands?  That's what it looks like."

"I didn't want her to..."  He looks at the ground, and his bottom lip trembles uncontrollably.  It's terrifying.  I've never seen Justin lose his composure so openly.  Even when Fay passed, he was able to bottle it up.

Something has been happening to him every day, for a really long time, I'm positive of that, and it's driving him out of his skull.

"Justin?"

"I didn't want to be locked in my room again.  I fought back, so they restrained me to get me in there.  It's...it's fine. They cut the zip ties after I'm inside...it's just the plastic you know, it's rough on my skin."

“They? Don’t you mean Hannah?”

“She has…people, men that work for her.  You met one of them that day at the restaurant…”  He trails off,  seems to get extremely uneasy, and can’t say anything else.

Lucky for me, I seem to get it.  Too well.  Hannah hired that man, or I guess…men, to keep an eye on Justin.  Using whatever means necessary to force him into obeying her.

“They lock you in your room?"

He runs his hands through his untamed curls.  "I'm fine."

"What the fuck? Are you saying Hannah is having them do this to you?"

He says nothing, just nods slightly.  

"That's not fucking okay Justin!  Have you forgotten the law? Are you that brain dead? Kidnapping is a federal offense.  People get life for that, you know?"

"It's not kidnapping.”

I roll my eyes harshly.  “Fine.  False imprisonment then.”

“In a week she'll be my wife.  How can I prove anything? No one would believe someone like her could do the things she's done to me.  She's got complete control over my daughter, and my assets, too," his voice cracks and he keeps his gaze on the ground.  "I have no choices.  I'm being watched all the time.  She knows when I don't play by her rules and...Mags...if she finds out we spoke...I just don't know what she's going to do."

"You can walk away.  You can do it right now."

"Not without Mack."  He looks me right in my eyes now.  "I won't leave her, Maggie."

"We can figure it out."  I step up to him and take his hands again.  This time, they're trembling a little bit less.  "I promise."

"It's not that simple."

"You can't just give up.  Justin, you've always been the the first one to tell me that we could get through anything."

"No..."  I pulls his hands out of mine again, and bends down.  "I really mean, it's not that simple."  

He rolls up his left pant leg to reveal a flashing black box that has been strapped to his calf.  After taking a closer look, I can tell it's a house arrest device meant to track where he is at all times.  Removing those devices without the proper tools sets off an alarm that reaches the appropriate people within seconds, and with hand links, that could mean the appropriate people are stationed across the street.

"I've been trying everything to get it off without her finding out, but it's locked tight against my skin.  It won't move.  Hannah is the only one with a disabling tool."

"There must be other keys out there.  This isn't the only device of it's kind."  I peer closer for a brand name, and force myself to memorize it.  "I bet you could order one online, and get it off."

"I get a hundred dollars a week in cash.  She took my credit cards and forced me to close my bank accounts.  There’s no way I can order anything online without her knowing about it.”

"I'll order it."

It dawns on him then, that he can get the help he needs through me, but he seems terrified of the prospect.  He's dealing with a lot of emotional trauma.  The kind that can mess you up for years, even with the best types of shrinks.  I have no idea what else she's done, or what those men that work for her have done to him behind closed doors.  

"Do you think you could?"

"I know I can."

He looks up at me suddenly.  "What about...other things?"

"Other things?"

"Like fake passports? Birth certificates? Name changes? Do you think you can get those things done for me and Mack?"  He says it desperately, his eyes searching mine for the promise of an escape.  Of a life without Hannah and her torment.  I can feel his pain.  It's exactly how I felt with Tad.  Terrified, uncertain, sick to my stomach.  "Do you think you can help us get out of the country?"

I know that's what it will take to get him to safety.  Hannah has too much at her disposal, and hiding out state to state would get him discovered in days.  No, he needs to cross the border.  Canada? No, too risky, too thorough.  Flying obviously won’t work, Hannah would be sure his name and the babies name ended up on the no fly list.

Mexico.

It takes thirty six hours to drive to the Mexican border...Monterrey.  My sister did it with a bunch of her friends for spring break back in high school.  Back then you didn't need a passport, but the security is so lax at the border, even the poorest excuse for a passport can get you across the border these days.

"Mexico."

He stares at me for several moments.  

"We drive to Mexico," I whisper.  "With stops, it will take four or five days to get to Monterrey.  Once we cross the border, we can figure out where to go from there."

"We?"

A hint of a smile ticks at the corner of my mouth.  "I'm not letting you do this alone, Timberlake."

"You'd come with me?"

He says it like it's the craziest thing he's ever heard.

And I guess, it may be crazy.

But I know how crazy I am about him, despite how emotionally unstable he is at this point.  

"I'm not losing you again.  I…I can’t fall out of love with you, Justin.  I just can’t do it, and it makes me want to hate you.”  

He steps right up to me now, eyes still searching mine for an explanation to all of this, and I have no idea if he’s found one, but when his lips brush against my neck ever so slightly, I know how many feelings he still has for me.

“I never wanted you to hate me.”  His whisper tickles my skin.

I'd give anything to hold him close right now, press my lips against his, but I'm sure it isn't the best idea, given the fact that Hannah's goons could be lurking anywhere.  With a sigh, I back off slight, but don’t break my gaze from his.

“I don’t hate you.  I’ve never hated you,” I tell him quietly.  “I’m…I’m in love with you.”

For the first time he smiles, just a little bit, clearing some of the fatigue from his eyes.  “I love you too.”

“Right.” I nod seriously, and put all the gooey shit out of my mind for now, because we need a plan, and I’m sure we don’t have much more time to talk before Hannah’s goons start getting suspicious.  “So, here’s what I’m thinking…”
*****************
December 8, 2017

6:30 pm

Hannah and Justin's Penthouse

1043 5th Ave New York, NY 10011

I’ve always stood by the law.  It’s kept me with a level head, and a good conscience my entire life.

By tomorrow afternoon though, if everything goes according to plan, I’ll have committed a felony, and be on the run.  

But I’ll have my freedom, my daughter in my arms, and the love of my life at my side.

I’ll put everything on the line to have that, and I won’t look back.  I won’t regret it, even if my life will never be the same again.

Of course I’ve been thinking about Mack on and off all day.  What this will do to her.  How, if we make it to Mexico, she’ll grow up never knowing her real mother, because that’s the way things will have to be.  She’ll know Maggie as her mother, and while that thrills me, I don’t know if it’s the fairest thing to do to my child.

But I don't have any choices here.

“The office?”

I sit up straighter in my chair as one of Hannah’s servers fills my goblet with water.  “Everyone has been asking to see her, that’s all.  They don’t know about…you know.”

Maggie says she’s taking care of everything.  The documents, the cash, the transportation, and the best route to get us over the border in a timely manner.  She’s even talking to Shelbie over dinner tonight, to try to get her in on this.  My secretary has always respected me, and I’m sure if she knows what’s going on at home, she’ll want to help, so I’m not worried.

I only have one job, and unfortunately, it’s probably the most important, and most difficult.

“You have to convince Hannah to let you have the baby at the office tomorrow.  Tell her the staff wants to meet her, tell her anything, but you have to get her to say yes. If not, I just…I have no idea how we’ll be able to take her with us.”

She said it so desperately, her eyes filled with worry, because she knew there was a very good chance that Hannah wouldn’t give in.  That she would say no, and I’d have to choose between my freedom and my daughter.  

I know which one I would have to choose.  I would never forgive myself if I left my kid to be raised by Hannah alone.

I promised Maggie with everything I had left inside of me that I would do whatever I could to get her to give in.  We would need just a few hours for our plan to work once I got the baby into my office.  Hannah was the biggest hurdle.

“I think your co workers can live without seeing your baby.”  Hannah rolls her eyes and digs into her salad.

“It’s just…that it’s odd.  I mean, you brought her to the studio, Hannah.  People are starting to think I don’t care that I just had a baby or something.”

“Oh. So now it matters what they think?”  She snaps harshly.  “The only person’s opinion you need to worry about is mine, Justin.  Do I really need to remind you?”

I sigh harshly and gaze down at my salad.  This isn’t going well.  “What do I need to do, Hannah?  I’m asking you for one day.”

She snickers with disgust.  “I don’t trust you alone with our daughter, Justin.  You must think I’m an idiot or something.”

“This is about our reputation.  What am I supposed to tell people? I’ve already used the baby is sick excuse, twice.  What’s next? Hannah is uncomfortable?  I’d like to appear normal to my peers, just like you.”

She drops her fork and it clatters against her china.  “Who’s asking?”

I swallow hard but keep my gazed fixed on hers.  “Barry.”

“Great,” she huffs.  “I guess your father can’t talk your way out of this.”

“I doubt it.”  I feel the sweat beading on my brow and under my arms.  Fitz stands on the far end of the dining room, by the door, but his mood doesn’t change, which means he hasn’t caught on to my mood yet.  “He’s like family, you know? He just wants to meet her, and…I know you have to be at the studio…”

“Just shut up.”

I do it, and stare blankly at her.

She taps her fork against the top of the table, chewing her bottom lip, debating the scenario.  She doesn’t want this, but at the same time, she doesn’t want anyone outside of this house to know what goes on.  

Please

“I guess I don’t have a choice then, do I?”  She sits back and crosses her arms, narrowing her eyes at me angrily.  “I swear to fucking God, Justin, if you’re plotting something…”  

“I’m not,” I say quietly.  “I’m just asking for a day with my daughter.”

“Half a day.  You’re leaving the office by two, the latest.”

Shit.

But there’s nothing I can say.  I force a smile, like it’s the best thing she’s ever told me before.  “Baby, thank you so much.  I really…I appreciate this more than you know.”

“You think I’m doing it for you?”  She slides out of her chair and stands over me, glaring with suspicion.  “That’s the last thing I’d do, Justin! I’m only agreeing to this so your business partners will shut up about the subject, and if you put one fucking finger out of line…I swear to god, I’ll kill you myself.”

I shudder.  I hate to let her see me so unglued, but I can’t help it.  I know she means it.  “A-all right Hannah.”

She shakes her head roughly, but plops back into her chair moments later, and begins to shove her salad into her mouth.  I focus back on my food as well, just picking, barely eating a thing, even when the main course is brought out…steak.  Just looking at it makes me want to hurl, but when Hannah begins to eye me suspiciously, I do my best to eat enough to make her forget about it.  

“She can only have soy.  She’s allergic to dairy.  I’ll pack some bottles, enough for the day.”  Hannah rambles it off after the dessert plates are being cleared.  

“She’s allergic to dairy?”

Deep down inside of me, the anger begins to boil, but I can’t let on to it.  It occurs to me that she hasn’t told me anything about my daughter, and that means I know next to nothing about her.  It’s not right.  It’s unethical.  

“Yes.”r32;

“Anything else I don’t know?”  

It was snide, and she knows it, because she glares at me spitefully.  “You really didn’t need to know, but since she’ll be alone with you, I need you to be prepared in case something happens.  The doctor thinks she may be asthmatic as well but he’s not entirely certain because she’s only had one mild attack.  In any case, there’s medication she takes daily with an eyedropper, and I’ll pack it for you. It’s important she doesn’t miss, because an attack can happen anytime.  Do you understand?”

“Of course.”

“Wonderful.”

Hannah lets me have time with my daughter tonight, despite her attitude at dinner, and I spend what time I’m allowed on the floor, playing with her as Hannah thumbs through a magazine and observes us every few seconds. Fitz, as always, stands just feet away, watching me like I’m some sort of criminal being granted visitation.  Even so, I do my best to tune that all out and focus on my baby.   She’s gotten so big in just a few months time, and every time I have a visit with her, she’s doing something new.  Tonight, she’s almost able to crawl. I feel like I’ve missed so much of her life, even though she’s not even a year old yet, and it upsets me…

But tomorrow will be a completely new start for the two of us.

“Say goodnight.”  Hannah orders me around nine thirty, and I give Mackayla a kiss and a hug before Fitz picks her up and whisks her back to the nursery.

Tonight, Hannah walks me to my room.  She has one of her goons zip tie my wrists behind me, for her supposed protection, and then walks behind me, one hand on my upper arm, as I walk down the various corridors that lead to my bedroom.  Once inside, she pushes the door closed, but she doesn’t untie me.

“Hannah?”

She walks right up to me, and shoves me down on the bed.  I struggle, but she places her foot right on top of my crotch and threatens to inflict obvious pain on me, so I just stop and stare.

“Why do you want the baby at the office?”

I stare at her calmly, despite the sweat dripping down my face and the circulation being cut off from my wrists.  “I told you why.”

“I don’t believe you.”  She leans down, her face inches from mine.  “I think you’re full of shit.”

“Hannah…”

“Shut up!”  

She strikes me across the face once, twice.  Hard.  My skin stings, and I know her blows are going to leave marks.  Despite this, nothing prepares me for what she does next.

The cool steel of the gun is pressed into the middle of my forehead before I know what’s happening, and I’m shaking with fear.  “H-Hannah,” I whimper.  “Please…I promise, I’m telling you the truth.”

“Are you sure?”

r32;The gun clicks.

r32;No, I’m not sure.  I’m fucking lying.  I’m trying to run, and take our baby with us.
I refuse to tell her.  I refuse to let her ruin my one chance at escape.

“Justin, I’m running out of patience.”

“I’m sure!” I scream it at her.  “Hannah! I’m not lying to you!”

It takes a few more terrifying seconds, but she finally responds.  “What if I told you that this gun wasn’t loaded?  Would you believe me?”

My eyes widen and my whole body goes numb.  I’m completely fucking terrified right now, and I don’t know exactly how to handle this.

Please don’t let me die here.  Not like this.

“I’d believe you,” I croak.  “I-I would.”

“Why?”  She presses the gun more harshly against my forehead.  “Why should you?”

“Because you’ve never lied to me before.”

A smile pulls at her lips.  “You surprise me sometimes, Justin.”

She pulls the trigger.

I wince and cry out.

Nothing happens.

She’s laughing as she pulls the thing away from my forehead, and I’m panting, crying, thanking God for sparing my life.

“Lucky.”  She pops the chamber out of the gun and spins it.  “One more and I’d be cleaning your brains off the walls.”

I see the bullet, and I start to lose it.  She cuts the zip ties moments later, and after that, I’m throwing up dinner in the toilet.

“Do you see why it’s important that I believe you aren’t lying to me, Justin?”  She giggles, while she rubs my back as I get sick.  

“You’re…. fucking twisted,” I manage.

“I’m doing you a favor.  Have a good night, Justin.”

She leaves me that way, dry heaving now, scared to death of what she’s capable of.

It almost makes me want to tell her forget about the baby in the morning, and ignore Maggie’s signal when she comes calling.

That’s what Hannah wants me to do.  She wants me to live this way, tortured, and terrified, every single day.

But I can’t give in.  I have to be strong.

Strong for my baby, even if I can’t be strong for myself.