February 4, 2000

It all started with a frat party and some guacamole. 

It was a normal February night, the first Sigma Alpha Epsilon party of the semester. Although it was the beginning of my second semester of college, I learned quickly that the frat boys at UCLA were all complete dicks. That being said, SAE parties were the place to be, and I was trying that whole not being a hermit in college thing. Not to mention I had Geography with the guy collecting the cup fee so with a little smile and bat of the eyelashes he always gave me the plastic red cup for free.

Feminism: it’s come a long way. 

Being at an SAE party was pretty low on my list of ways to spend my Friday night. I was never the kind of girl that enjoyed going to frat parties, or parties in general. I spent most of my free time in the piano practice rooms in the music building. But New Year, new me and all that junk. I promised my best friend Kelly that I’d go to this party because she hates to go alone. It’s stupid, really, because she’s the kind of person that goes to a party and meets twenty new friends before I even finish a beer. I’m the one awkwardly standing in the corner while she’s the girl that manages to fall in love with some stranger she’ll never see again. 

As I looked around the crowded house searching for Kelly, I noticed the snack table at the opposite side of the room. The only thing worth keeping me at this party is that snack table. The quality of the snacks will definitely decide my future, if I’ll stay here and suffer through the party or go home at watch reruns of Friends. 

“Hey,” a  tall guy smiled and started dancing in front of me, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. I know my eyes automatically looked down, but I tried to pass him and continue on my way.  “We’re in history together?” he continued, not getting the hint. 

I shook my head and nervously straightened out my tank top. 

“Biology?” I shook my head again, “I mean, chemistry, cause we got chemistry.”

I unsuccessfully tried to hold back a chuckle, “Third try and you remembered the pickup line. Good job, buddy.”I faked excitement and walked away, hoping he wouldn’t follow me as I left. I’m not used to getting attention from drunk frat boys in their undies. It makes me far more uncomfortable than it should make a well adjusted eighteen year old girl like myself.  

I finally made it to the snack table because, well it’s the snack table. Do I really need a reason? I also knew if Kelly wanted to find me she’d check here first. I guess I’ve got quite a reputation, but I’ll take it.  I continued looking around the party, there has to be someone I know, and  grabbed a chip full of guacamole just as I  felt someone pinch my butt. I turned around quickly, “What the fuck?” I shouted, although I was drowned out by the music and the college students grinding against each other in every direction. 

This is our future. 

I hate frat parties. 

I hate college.

I want to go home and watch Boy Meets World.

Of course, I turned my attention back to the only good thing about this party, the guacamole. Just as I grabbed the chip another asshole bumped into me and the guacamole went flying. I swear it was like slow motion, I saw it coming towards me but there was nothing I could do but literally watch as the guacamole flew right into my eye! 

My eye began to sting like a jellyfish, I could feel the tears falling down my face. Through blurred vision I managed to lean against the wall and wiped my eyes. 

“Are you ok?” a soothing voice asked. He sounded like a normal guy hidden in the sea of obnoxious frat boys, but all I could see through the guacamole tears was a blurry blob. 

“Does it look like I’m ok?” I snapped. 

“No, that’s why I’m asking” there was a pause before he continued,  “What happened? Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m not crying, you idiot! I have fucking guacamole in my eye!” That was mean. I took a deep breath before I spoke again, “I’m sorry, you’re not an idiot. I just—the guacamole.”

“It’s ok I just—wait. You have what?”

“Guacamole. In my eye. It’s spicy”

“It’s spicy?” he laughed, “Like, you can taste it through your eye?”

I laughed between tears, “Like, it stings. It’s hot. Can you maybe make fun of me later and  lead me to the bathroom? I can’t see.”

“Oh, shit. Yeah,” he grabbed onto my arm and pulled me up, leading me slowly through the house,  “I’ll just narrate for you, cause there are definitely some things you don’t want to miss going on over here. We’re walking past some really classy girls wearing bikini’s because… we’re at the beach” he spoke sarcastically, “And it’s March. But don’t worry they have stripper shoes too, which will help them out in the nonexistent sand because we’re still not at a beach. Then there’s some cool bros over here wearing speedos because we’re, apparently in Europe, where that’s ok.  It’s not even ok in Europe. Maybe in Spain, or Turkey or something. Is Turkey even in Europe?  Sorry, I’m getting distracted, we’re almost there. You know, I’ve been to a few frat parties in my day but this one seems to take the cake.”

I laughed and held tightly to the mystery man as he led me through the crowd and moved some people out of the way so I could get to the bathroom, “I hate frat parties.”

“Yeah, I guess I do too,” he answered as he shut the door. “Why the hell are we here?What do you need?”

“An eye wash, do you think they have one of those here?” I felt for the sink and opened my eyes as I tried to stick  my head under the faucet. 

“Do you think they have a lot of guacamole related incidents?”

I laughed and almost choked on the water falling over my face, “I can’t be the first.”

“Ah, I don’t know. I kinda think you could be,” he chuckled, “Do you need help?”

“I think I’m beyond help.”

“I know we just met, but I may have to agree.”

I finally cleared my eye and looked at the mystery man for the first time, sitting on the edge of the tub. He wore a baseball cap that hid his hair, except for a few blonde curls that were sticking out the sides, “Thank you, you saved my life.”

“Oh yeah?” he chuckled, “You’re welcome. I have a thing about saving those damsels in distress. Also, a thing for girls with guacamole eye.”

“Is that something you look for in a girl?”

“Yeah, all the time. You can’t even imagine how hard it is to find a good girl with guacamole eye.”

“You’re funny,” I smiled, “I’m Mac.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Michael.”

I bit at my lip as I looked him over. He pulled his hat down lower and fixed his dark framed glasses as he looked down at the ground.  

I know him from somewhere.

“Did you go to Brentwood?”

He shook his head. 

“You go here? Did we have a class together last semester? You look so familiar.”

He shrugged, “Maybe.” A knock on the bathroom door disrupted us, “Yeah, coming. Chill!” he shouted, “So you wanna… continue this conversation outside? It’s gotta be quieter out there, right?”

“Yeah, let’s grab some beer first.”

He grabbed onto my wrist so I wouldn’t get lost and led me through the crowd of drunks dancing before turning quickly and going into the kitchen. The way he opened the refrigerator like he knew what he was doing worried me. He smiled,  grabbed a six pack of beer, then grabbed onto my hand and brought me outside. 

“Are you… one of them?”

“One of them?” he asked as we stopped at a wooden swing in the back of the yard. 

“Sigma Alpha Epsilon,” I mimicked the cheer. 

He chuckled before sitting on the swing, “Absolutely not.”

“OK, good. I was worried. What are you studying?”

“Beer,” he answered as he held a bottle out for me. 

I grabbed the bottle and took a swig, “I swear I know you from somewhere.”

“I’ve got one of those faces. How’s the eye?”

“It’s fine. Where are you from?”

“Kentucky,” he answered quickly, “So tell me about yourself Mac, Makayla?”

“Mackenzie, but Mac.”

“Mackenzie, from Brentwood,” he teased, “What are you studying? What do you want from life?”

“Well, that’s kind of a loaded question, isn’t it? I’m majoring in piano performance…”

“No way, that’s awesome,” he answered before I could finish.

“…And nursing. With a minor in English Literature.”

“So, you’re an underachiever,” Michael answered with a smile. 

“Yeah, super lazy,” I laughed, “I got the me major and the ‘make my parents happy’ major, you know?”

“Sure,” he nodded his head, “You any good?”

“No,”I shook my head, “I’m amazing.”

He chuckled at my honesty, “That’s awesome. Will you play for me some time?”

“Sure.”

“What kind of performance? Classical? Jazz?”

“Classical, but I can do anything.”

“Of course you can,” he smiled as if I told him he just won the lottery“You just keep getting better and better.”

“Do I? Because I pay the piano and have guacamole eye? You have an interesting list of things you’re looking for in a girl.”

He laughed and moved his hand to mine, “Yeah, maybe.”

“But still I know nothing about you, Michael from Kentucky.”

“Have you been playing long? I really want to hear you.” he ignored me.

“I would play for you sometime, but, the thing is,  I don't know anything about you, so—“

“You know that I have beer and that I like girls with guacamole eye. What else do you need?”

“I know but… you wear a baseball hat to a frat party. Who wears a baseball hat to a frat party?”

“Michael. From Kentucky.”

I looked at him carefully when it finally hit me. “You don’t look like a Michael.”

“Oh no?”

“No,” I shook my head and grabbed his glasses off his head. 

“I really can’t see without my glasses, so—“

“They’re real?” I laughed as I put them on and quickly took them off. 

“Of course they’re real, why would I—“

“You don’t look like a Michael,” I repeated, placing his glasses back on his head. “You look more like a… Justin.”

“That’s weird,” he answered softly turning his head away. 

“I know, right?” I placed my hand on his lap and waited for him to turn back to me, “Are you in a fucking boyband?”

He coughed back a laugh, “What kind of a question is that?”

“A good one,” I took a sip of my beer, getting more confident, “Do you really think that hat and those glasses hide your true identity?”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answered nervously watching the door as a stream of people made their way outside.  “Maybe we could… go for a walk?”

I looked around to see we were no longer alone so I nodded my head and stood up, grabbing another beer for the road. “You’re like Clark Kent.”

He chuckled and wrapped an arm around my waist, “that’s a compliment, I’ll take it.”

“It’s not a compliment!”

“Being compared to Superman isn’t a compliment?”

“No. I said Clark Kent, big difference.”

“Clark Kent is Superman.”

“Ah, but Superman is not Clark Kent.”

“Yeah, he is,” he laughed, “that’s the point.”

“No,” I whined, “You don’t get it. Clark Kent has the worst disguise in history and he’s an idiot because he thinks he can get away with it.”

“So I’m an idiot? By the way, Clark Kent did get away with his disguise, that’s the whole point.”

I playfully punched his arm, “My place is right there. Do you want to come in, have some tea and play a board game or something?”

“Yeah,” he smirked,  “or something.”

“OK, but the thing is you’re lying to me and I don’t like to be lied to so…” I waited for him to come clean but instead he just looked at the ground. “Clark Kent, my friend.” I placed my arms over his shoulders, “Lie free zone.”

He finally looked up at me and smiled slightly, “You’re so pretty.”

I giggled like an idiot, “And?”

“Beautiful.”

“And?”

“Gorgeous.”

“OK. And?”

“Sexy as hell.” 

I laughed and rested my forehead on his shoulder, “I think you’re missing the point. Anything beyond my physical appearance?”

“Smart.”

“Yeah,” I smiled.

“Funny. Interesting,” he smiled,  “A good conversationalist.”

I laughed, “Thank you, Clark Kent. That’s so much more fulfilling.”

“You don't like being called beautiful?”

“I mean, all the losers say that, like that’s the only reason they’re talking to the girl.”

“Most girls are happy for that to be the only reason.”

“Well I’m not one of those girls. Don’t be one of those losers.”

He grabbed on to my hands and smiled, “And you’re from Brentwood?”

“Weird, I know,” I laughed, “Can you trust me with your true identity yet?”

He let out a deep breath, but didn’t say anything. 

“It’s cool if not, we’ll just call it a night and go our separate ways. It’s been fun, Clark or Michael or whatever you want to be called.”

“That’s not fair.”

“How is it not fair? I’m supposed to just let a random guy that I just met an hour ago into my apartment and I don’t even know his name? That would be stupid.”

“But I saved your life,” he whined. 

“And I’m very grateful for that Clark, really I am. But, we’re talking tea and I got the good stuff too. I can’t just hand it out to strangers.”

“What kind you got?” he looked up at me. 

“Sleepy Time, and the Berry Zinger one.”

“I love the Berry Zinger one,” he whined again, rubbing his thumbs in my palms.

I shrugged, moved my hands from his, and turned away from him, “Nice to meet you, Clark.”

He grabbed onto my wrist as I walked away and pulled me back to himself, pressing his lips against mine. It may have been the beer, but I felt lightheaded and grabbed onto his shoulders for balance. 

“My name is Justin,” he spoke in a whisper.

“Hi Justin,” I answered just as quietly and wrapped my arms over his shoulders, “I’m Mac.”

“Hi Mac,” he chuckled, “I’m in a fucking boyband.”

“How embarrassing.”

“I’d rather that not effect anything between us.”

“Don’t worry I’m not going to stop talking to you just because you’re in a boy band. Nobody is perfect.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“No? I’m going to start talking to you because you are in a boy band?” I spoke out of disbelief.

He smiled, “Yeah, usually for most girls.”

I laughed and grabbed his hand, leading him to my door, “I’m not one of those girls.”

“I know.”

I smiled as I unlocked the door, and turned to face Justin before I opened it, “Just, a totally irrelevant question but… how would you feel if I had like, just a couple posters with your face on my wall? Would that be weird? Like, freak you out a little bit or is it cool? Just a couple.”

“You’ve got yourself an interesting sense of humor, Mackenzie.”

March 12, 2014

An organic vegetable sale. Most schools have bake sales, but no,  not here at Brentwood Middle School. There’s too many gluten free, no carb, macrobiotic, vegan, organic farming whack jobs in this place to be normal enough to have a bake sale.

I didn’t necessarily want to send my son to Brentwood Middle School, my alma mater, but, to be fair, it is the best school in the area. It’s just that it’s full of every Los Angeles stereotype and it’s so easy to get caught up with the wrong crowd. The majority of these kids are so spoiled I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re already doing drugs at twelve. I’m not worried Chris will be one of those kids. I managed to make it through school here and he’s about a million times of a better person than I ever was. 

Since I’m one of the few mothers that actually has a job, I had to get out early to make it to this stupid organic vegetable sale before it closes at five o’clock. I’m pretty sure when I was a kid they had these things later at night so parents could actually attend, but now everyone is so worried about their kids taking French or oboe lessons that everything is right after school. 

I may or may not have changed out of my scrubs in the car to get away from the judging of the other mothers who just don’t understand why I would be working, because obviously we must be poor or something. What other reason could there be? Don’t get me wrong, some other mothers work, but they’re all in “the business” somehow. I’m the only scum of the earth neonatal nurse. 

I grabbed the basket of organic broccoli out of the back seat of my Seaside Pearl Prius and headed over to the mother dressed in a Versace blouse and matching skirt. She plastered a big, fake smile on her face and gave me a once over. I’m sure she enjoys my Old Navy sweater.  “Hi! How are you? 

“I’m good, thanks. How are you? I’m Chris’s mother. I have the broccoli,” I nodded to the basket in my arms. 

“Oh great, Christopher Cole’s mother,” she checked me off the list, “With the organic broccoli?”

“No chemicals here!”

I think she faked a laugh, or made some sound that normal humans definitely don’t make. “It’s so great you were able to leave your shift at the hospital to come to our organic vegetable sale. We were worried you weren’t going to be able to make it.”

I smiled as a response, I’ve always been amazing at coming up with jabs after the fact. She acts like I’m a janitor. I’ll come up with a good comeback when I get home, I’m sure of it. 

“And Christopher’s father? Will he be joining us?”

Deep breaths Mac, deep breaths.  I smiled again, ignoring her question, “Where should I put the organic broccoli?”

She pointed me into the direction of the table, with a smug smile covering her face. I’m definitely not the only single parent at this school, but by the way they treat me you’d think we’re living in the 40s. If my son wasn’t playing  basketball on the other side of the courtyard I’d tell her exactly where I’d like to put that organic broccoli. 

Instead, I placed the basket on the table and made my way to the basketball court to find my son. He’s always playing basketball, usually with his best friend Landon. The two of them have been inseparable since kindergarten and it’s always a challenge to get either of them away from the basketball court.

I sat on a bench, giving him some more time to play. Chris smiled and waved when he saw me, then turned back to his game. He’s growing up so fast I’m starting to really appreciate when he even acknowledges my presence. 

“Hey Mac. Landon, let’s go!” I looked up to see Landon’s father, Shane, holding a bag of organic vegetables. His hair was slicked back and he wore those big, movie star sunglasses. He always wore those movie star sunglasses, even when it wasn’t that sunny, because he is, in fact, a movie star. He’s one of the biggest actor parents at the school and he’s just as sick of all the bullshit as I am. It’s amazing how it works. The majority people who believe they are better than the rest of us are married to some studio exec and have never worked for anything in their lives. “How’s it going?”

“Good, did you get your organic vegetables?”

He held up the bag with an eye roll, “What a joke, huh? Whatever happened to bake sales?”

I laughed, “Seriously, I was just thinking that!.”

“We like our pesticides,” he smiled before turning back to the court, “Landon! Now!”

“How’s everything? How’s Jenna?”

“Yeah, everything’s good. She’s doing this music video for Beyonce so she’s been working like crazy. It should calm down soon. This kid, I swear to god. LANDON. NOW!”

“Chris, come on!” I called out then turned back to Landon’s stressed out father, “You ok? I can take Landon if you want. Have him over for dinner.”

“Thanks,” he chuckled with a yawn, “It’s alright, just been at auditions all day and am exhausted. I’ll take a raincheck though,” he smiled as the boys made their way over to us,  “You can take this kid out of my hair some other time.”

“Absolutely, anytime I’m happy to have him over.”

“Oh hey,” Shane spoke sarcastically as he pulled his son into a headlock, “Nice to see you.”

“We were in the middle of a game,” Landon answered with a smile, maneuvering out of his father’s grip “What, we’re supposed to forfeit?”

“Yeah, you’re supposed to forfeit,” he answered, again wrapping his arm around his son’s neck. 

“Hi Miss Cole,” Landon said as he, once again, got out of his father’s grip. 

“Hey sweetie, awesome hair!”

He ran his hands through his black faux hawk and smiled, the perks of having a mother who also happens to be a hair stylist. I swear this kid is more stylish then any kid I’ve ever seen. I chuckled as I looked over at my son, whose dirty blonde wavy hair was out of control. He wears only jeans and t-shirts and that’s when I manage to get him to put pants on in the first place. 

“We’ll see you guys later,” Landon’s father said as he bounced the ball out of Chris’s hand and tossed it back to him,“Oh, happy birthday, buddy. When is it, tomorrow?”

“Friday,” Chris answered tossing the ball to Landon. 

“Cool, we’ll see you then,” Shane shouted over his shoulder as they made their way to his Lexus. 

I stood up and gave my son a quick hug,trying hard not to embarrass him too much. “How was your day?”

“Fine,” he shrugged. 

“Fine,” I mimicked, “Are you excited to pick out some vegetables?”

“Oh yeah,” he answered sarcastically. 

“I’ll tell you what. You can pick out any vegetable you want and I’ll cook it for dinner.The freedom!”

“Wow, an early birthday present!”

“Am I the best mom ever, or what?”

Chris took that as a challenge, and picked the weirdest vegetable he could find. I’m still not sure what it is, it looks like some kind of bumpy squash. It was disgusting. I added brown sugar and then it wasn’t so bad, although that kind of defeats the whole purpose of an organic vegetable sale, doesn’t it? We’re rebels in this house.

After dinner Chris worked on his homework while I made him cookies. The whole organic vegetable sale just makes me mad. My kid is a kid and is allowed sugar and wheat and all the fun stuff. He’s tall and lanky enough with all the running around he does, if I only fed him organic stuff he’d whither away. 

“What kind of cake do you want for your birthday?”

“Chocolate! What kind of a question is that?”

I laughed as I placed the tray of cookies in the oven, “Of course!” I sat down next to him at the counter and checked his finished homework. 

“Am I going to get an iPhone?” he asked, looking down at his homework. 

“For your birthday? No, you’re going to be thirteen, not twenty.”

“Twenty? Are you serious? Everyone has iPhones now.”

“You have a cell phone, you don’t need an iPhone. I didn’t get a cell phone until I was in college.”

“That’s different. You went to college when there wasn’t electricity so you couldn’t have even charged it,” he answered with a half smile

“Yeah, cause that’ll get you an iPhone, you brat,” I laughed, “Spelling words. Give me a sentence and spell the word. Literally.”

“Literally. L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y. Literally every kid in my school has an iPhone except me.  And that’s including the elementary school.”

“Good, glad you know what it means. Next word, exception.”

“Exception. E-X-C-E-P-T-I-O-N. All of the kids at school have iPhones. I am the one exception.”

I ignored him, “Good. Last one, compromise.”

“Compromise. Com-promise. c-o-m-p-r-o-m-i-s-e. OK, we’ll compromise and you can buy me an iPhone.”

“Not the correct use of the word, Christopher. Try again.”

He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes, “We had to compromise and neither of us got what we wanted.”

“Thank you,” I smiled and signed off in his planner, “All done now?”

“Yeah, all done,” he quickly stuffed his books in his backpack.

“Wait for your birthday, buddy. Don’t think you need to get something just because everyone else has it. You know it doesn’t work like that. We’re going to have a fun day.”

He nodded his head and spoke under his breath, “A fun day without an iPhone.”

“A fun day with cake. And ice cream. And I’m letting you bunk school. Forget about stupid technology and pay attention to the important things in life. Have I taught you nothing?”

I saw a smile slide to his face, “The important things in life, like cheesecake and root beer floats?”

“Yes, thank you!” I laughed as he grabbed a warm cookie and stuffed it in his mouth, “You do listen to me!”

“Of course I listen to you,” he said with a mouthful and stuffed one last cookie into his mouth. 

“Good. Now go take a shower and get ready for bed. We can watch Big Bang Theory when you’re done.”

Instead of responding, he left his backpack in the middle of the kitchen floor and went upstairs. Yeah, he listens to me alright. I grabbed it and placed it on the hook by the door before cleaning up the mess in the kitchen and putting some water in the kettle for tea. 

Sometimes I feel like I have this parent thing down, but to be honest, it seems like most of the time I’m still completely clueless. I mean, I definitely know more than I did, but it seems like every day there’s something new that’s making me question if I’m doing a good enough job raising my son. Luckily Chris is amazing, so things aren’t nearly as difficult as they could be. 

I made us each a cup of tea and waited for Chris to come back downstairs. I count it as a victory when I only have to ask him once to shower. He’s a twelve year old boy who doesn’t care about simple things like bathing. God, he’ll be thirteen in two days. I don’t even want to think about that. 

Chris plopped on the couch next to me and grabbed the remote. He laid down, placing his legs over my lap as if I wasn’t even there. 

“Do you think Matt will come?’ he asked during the first commercial break. 

“Where? To your party?”

He nodded his head and I felt my heart beat in my throat. 

When you have a kid, someone should explain to you how to deal with certain situations. Specifically, how you’re supposed to raise him to be an intelligent, strong, kind, good man when his father is nowhere to be found. At first, I thought I could do it on my own. But the truth is a boy need a male role model, and although my father is great, a grandfather doesn’t really cut it. 

When Chris was eleven I met Matt. I was extremely cautious and put up so many walls it was a miracle Matt even tried to knock them down. But he did. I finally learned it was ok for me to fall in love again and to open up that part of my life. It took a long time for me to trust Matt enough to meet Chris, but when I did they had an instant connection. I really felt like my life was finally coming together. 

I was so worried about protecting Chris that I forgot to worry about what would happen if Matt and I ever broke up. If I thought about it then, I probably would have had even more walls up, but maybe that would have been smart. 

Of course, after two years Matt and I realized it was no longer working. Breaking up is hard enough without throwing a twelve year old into the mix. Chris acts strong, like it doesn’t bother him, but I know how much he misses Matt. I know he’s afraid I’ll think he’s picking sides, so he keeps it all inside instead of talking to me about it. 

I’m afraid he takes after me with that. 

“I don’t think he’ll be able to come to dinner on your birthday, but maybe we can figure out another day that we can do something fun with him, ok?”

Chris nodded his head, and turned his attention back to the television. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I shouldn’t have ever dated Matt in the first place. Maybe if Chris never met him he wouldn’t miss him so much. Maybe I should have worked harder to make it work with Matt. 

God, I really feel like I’m failing this whole being a parent thing.  

I cleared my throat, “I’m sorry sweetie, I know you miss him.” He ignored me and continued watching television, “Nana and Gramps will be here. And Kelly. It’ll be fun.”

When the show ended Chris turned off the television and turned to me. He was clearly afraid to tell me something, and that gave me a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. “What’s going on sweetie?”

He bit at his lip, a nervous tendency he somehow managed to get from his father. “So, Matt texted me when I was upstairs. He said he’d take me off roading for my birthday. He promised me we’d go, you know back when you guys were still…” he trailed off and looked up from the ground. 

I offered a smile to calm my son down a little. He shouldn’t have to feel nervous talking to me, especially about this. I know how much he loves Matt, I know he’s seriously missing everything they used to do. God knows I’m not good with the off-roading and camping trips.

“He said I had to ask you if it’s ok and if it is then we can go this weekend.”

“Do you want to go?” 

“I don’t have to go. It doesn’t matter.”

“Sweetie, I want you to go.  I know this whole thing is kind of weird and we’re still trying to figure it out. But Matt was a big part of your life and just because Matt and I broke up doesn’t me you and Matt have to.”

Chris shrugged, “I kind of want to go.”

“I know you do,” I smiled, “I think you should go. It’ll be fun. You need some boy time.”

“Are you sure you’re not mad?”

“Christopher, I am not mad! I obviously think Matt is a great guy and I love the relationship you have with him or you never would have met him in the first place.”

“Then why’d you break up with him?”

I reached over and pulled my son into my arms, “I know you miss him, I’m sorry. Relationships are very complicated and sometimes they just don’t work out.”

Chris nodded his head and pulled away from me. Talking about feelings has never been my strong suit and it seems like this is something I passed on to my son. 

He stood up and headed towards the stairs, “I’m going to bed. I’ll tell Matt we can go Sunday. Tell me if you change your mind, ok?”

“I’m not going to change my mind,” I promised, “Good night.”

I fell down onto the couch once he made it upstairs. Imagine how amazing it would be if my son wasn’t worried he’d hurt my feelings when he spends time with my ex-boyfriend. That’s not how these things are supposed to work. I’m the mother, I’m supposed to have this stuff figured out and he’s supposed to be a young, careless boy. 

God, this sucks. Why am I so bad at this stuff?

All I care about is making Chris happy. If going off roading with Matt makes him happy then I’m all for it. He needs some sort of male influence in his life, and lord knows he’s not getting it from his father. 

February 7, 2000

You know when you meet someone and it just changes everything? That was Justin. The  first few days were like floating on a cloud, they breezed by without either of us noticing. Justin stayed at my apartment all weekend. We left only once to go to a quiet diner for a late dinner, and ordered in for every other meal. I liked being a hermit, and Justin seemed to like it even more. 

It was Monday morning when I woke up to an empty bed. My heart stopped beating for a second as I looked around the room. It was stupid of me to think this could last forever. I realized I didn’t know much about him, especially not the important things like his phone number. But, I couldn’t believe he’d actually sneak out in the middle of the night while I was still sleeping.

It was too early for me to think, so I closed my eyes and fell back to sleep. 

I woke when the front door opened and Justin walked in, tossing my keeps on the table before taking off his baseball hat. “Morning, you’re finally awake.”

“Morning,” I answered groggily, stretching my arms over my head and falling back to the bed, “I thought you snuck out and left me.”

“Now, why would I do that?” he asked with a smile as he held up a cardboard holder with four cups in it, “Just went to get coffee. You’re all out of coffee.”

I didn’t respond , instead I pulled the covers over my chin, suddenly feeling self conscious. I should have taken the time he was gone to shower, or at least brush my teeth. 

“I stole your car,” he continued. 

“Don’t do that,” I smiled, “Did you bring it back?”

“Yup, not a scratch,” he answered proudly. 

I nodded my head and curled up under the covers, “How did you even know it was mine?”

He looked down and chuckled, “I just, ya’know, I tried the Toyotas.”

I giggled, imagining him trying to get into all the Toyotas in the parking lot. 

“Do you want your coffee over there?”

“That’s a lot of coffee.”

“I didn’t know what you’d want. You’re such a heavy sleeper!” he sat next to me on the bed, “Regular, latte, cappuccino, or mocha?”

“Oh, I’ll take a latte please. Thanks,” I managed to sit up as he handed it to me, “Is it before 10 o’clock?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “It’s 6:30”

“6:30? What is wrong with you? I don’t function before ten.”

“That’s what the coffee is for.”

“There’s not enough coffee in the world,” I took a sip then placed the cup next to my bed. “Do you always get up this early?” he nodded his head, “How come I haven’t woken up before?”

“You had coffee,” he smiled, “I didn’t have to go get some.”

“If you need coffee to wake up, you should just go back to sleep,” I fell back on the bed and looked up at him, “Come back to bed,” I whined.

Justin chuckled as he pushed his shoes off and pulled his legs on the bed, “I’m not tired.”

“How are you not tired? We got like four hours of sleep.”

“That’s pretty good for me, actually.”

I gave him a look as I felt my eye lids getting heavy, “I really can’t function, I’m sorry.”

“Then go back to sleep.”

“I don’t want you to leave. I’ve got quite the conundrum here.”

“God, you’re so fucking adorable,” Justin placed his coffee on the bedside table and laid down. He pulled me to his chest and said, “Go to sleep, sleepy head. I’m not going anywhere.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up again I felt so much better. My anxiety of Justin leaving was gone as I looked to see him sleeping next to me.  I

“Are you awake for good, now?” he asked, without opening his eyes. 

“Yes,”  I laughed, “I thought you fell asleep.”

“Nah,” he chuckled, opening his eyes and pulling me on top of him, “You sleep more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. You’re like a koala.”

“I am not! I sleep a normal amount of time. You’re the weirdo, you sleep like a deer.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Deer sleep like three hours a day. You slept for four.”

Justin shrugged and kissed my forehead, “I need to get some clean clothes. I mean, I want to stay here and hang with you but I need new clothes. I also need to hear you play. Where do you usually play?”

“There’s practice rooms at school— but they’re small and cramped and sometimes smelly.”

“Let’s go to my house then. I have a piano. It’s almost never smelly.”

“I love that idea,” I sat up, “Is it a good piano?”

“Yeah, it’s alright,” he chuckled, “In tune, what else do you need?”

“Sounds perfect,” I smiled, “Let’s go.”

As we walked through the campus to Justin’s Lexus he nervously pulled his hat down. I giggled and wrapped my arm around his waist. 

“What are you giggling at?”

“You’re just like, so paranoid.”

He chuckled, “It’s not paranoia, it’s caution. I’m not making it up. Jeez Mac, you really have no idea.”

“Maybe it’s mostly being cautious but I think there might be a little paranoia thrown in there, maybe just a little.”

“Alright, whatever you say,” he smiled as he opened the passenger side door to his black Lexus sports coupe. 

I smiled as I got in, and waited for him to walk around to the other side before I spoke again, “Do you think, maybe, if you didn’t drive such a flashy car you wouldn’t bring as much attention to yourself?”

He coughed back a laugh, “You are a piece of work. I’ll have you know this is not a flashy car.”

“Oh, ok,” I chuckled, “I’m just saying most people under twenty do not own Lexus sports cars.”

“That’s a complete lie. Do you even know how many sports cars there are in that SAE parking lot?”

I laughed as he grabbed onto my hand, “You don’t want to me like them.”

“I’m not like them,” he paused, “well shit, now I don’t know if I want you to see my house.”

He drove up the hills and stopped at a gate so big we couldn’t seen anything behind it. Justin smiled nervously as he entered a code and the gate opened like the Jurassic Park gate. He slowly drove up the long driveway and waited patiently for my reaction. I was surprised by the way he was looking at me, like he was really nervous, almost ashamed of his house. It didn’t make any sense. We were parked in front of this huge house and he looked at me nervously for some kind of approval. 

“Not too bad,” I answered, shrugging my shoulders. 

He chuckled and tossed his baseball cap into the backseat. 

Once Justin opened the front door I froze in the doorway, looking at the beautiful grand  piano staring back at me. The sun was shining through the window, bouncing off it’s beautiful, shiny, white frame. 

I heard a chuckle and broke from my daze, “Come on in,” Justin answered, tossing his keys on a table by the door. 

“I’m… in love.”

“That’s really sweet, but it’s kinda weird. I mean, we really just met.”

I missed his joke completely and walked in a trance to the piano. “Can I—“

“Sit,” he pulled the bench out for me, “Let me hear the master.”

“I should wash my hands first.”

“Oh my god Mac, sit.”

I did as I was told, took a deep breath, and closed my eyes before reaching my hands towards the keys. Before I touched them I looked to the right corner of the keyboard, “Why does it say John Lennon?”

Justin smiled, “It was just… his piano,” he answered as if it wasn’t a big deal. As if it’s completely normal to own a piano that used to belong to the greatest song writer in the history of the world. 

“What?” I shouted as I stood up and wandered away “What is wrong with you? I need to wash my hands. How is that not like a selling point? How do you not even mention that? Where is the bathroom?”

“I thought you’d freak out, obviously I underestimated you. First door on the left.”

I scrubbed my hands and took a deep breath before walking back into the living room where Justin was sitting on the bench. 

“You good?”

“I’m—“ I tried to gather my thoughts, “Justin, why—how do you have John Lennon’s piano?”

He tapped the bench and I slowly sat down next to him. “I know it’s not something you don’t necessarily believe but, as I’ve said, I’m kind of a big deal.” I gave him a look and he laughed, “I bought it Mac. It was on auction and I was the highest bidder. Please play me a song.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t touch it though.”

“John Lennon would want you to touch it. He wouldn’t want it to sit here and collect dust.”

“Is that his real signature?”

“I sure hope so, otherwise that was a huge waste of money,” he smiled, “Mackenzie, will you please play for me?”

“I just feel like this should be in a museum or something.”

“OK, this piano was one of John Lennon’s pianos. He had many pianos, let’s be honest. He had many homes. So really, it’s just a piano.”

“OK, fine,” I reached my hands towards the keys again, “I should probably play Imagine, right?”

“Yeah, sure. Play Imagine,” he didn’t sound too excited about my song choice, but I closed my eyes and played it anyway. Justin sang as I played the chords, and when I hit the last chord I kept my eyes closed. 

“You alright?”

I nodded my head before slowly opening my eyes, “That was like, one of those out of body experiences.”

Justin laughed so hard his whole body shook, but just for a second, “Are you one of those hippie kids?”

“No!” I playfully bumped into him, “I just played John Lennon on John Lennon’s piano. How are you not impressed by this?”

He watched me carefully and smiled, “I’m just messing with you. I bought the damn piano, didn’t I? Of course I’m impressed.”

I let out a sigh and played around on the piano. Of course he’s impressed. “You have a really nice voice.”

“Thank you. You sound surprised.”

I chuckled, stopped playing, and looked over at him, “Don’t take this the wrong way Justin Timberlake, but I don’t know much about your music.”

“I know.”

“So I didn’t necessarily know if you’d have a good voice. There are plenty of people who sing as a profession that have horrible voices.”

“Like?”

“Cher. Jim Morrison.”

“Jim Morrison?”

“Not a very good singer, his voice wasn’t very good. He’s a legend, but his singing was just not… as great.”

“OK,” he chuckled, “That guy from Smash Mouth.”

“Yeah! You’re getting it.”

Justin smiled, “Can you please play a real song? Something I can’t play. Impress me.”

“Impress you. Hmm,” I started to play around, deciding on what song to play, “OK, I guess I can impress you with some Chopin. You’re going to have to move though, I need the whole piano.”

He quickly jumped up, already looking impressed. 

“You probably know this one, but it’s Chopin’s Scherzo Number 2. They say it’s written in B flat major, but really it’s mostly in D flat major. And A major.”

“You talk so much.”

“Shhh,” I answered with a giggle before closing my eyes and beginning the movement. 

As I played the final chord I opened my eyes. 

Justin sat down next to me, “OK,” he answered softly, “I’m impressed.”

I laughed and rested my head on his shoulder, “We should stay here.”

“Nah.”

“But you have this amazing piano.”

“If we stay here you’re just going to play the piano all night and ignore me.” 

I smiled. 

“It’s true,” he chuckled.

“It is true,” I agreed, “What can you play?”

“I can play Hey Jude,” he began playing, “and Stand by Me. Ya know, the classics”

“The classics, huh?” I laughed, “How about Beethoven? 

“Nah, how about Sinatra?” he began playing and singing Fly Me to the Moon.

“I like that one,” although, I’m sure it has nothing to do with how sexy he looks and sounds singing it. 

“But you like the classical music better?”

“It’s just that these pop songs are so boring. For the piano,” I laughed at the look he gave me, “Classical music stands on it’s own and carries the melody. Pop music relies so heavily on lyrics.”

Justin shrugged and placed his arm around my waist, “Is that so bad?”

“No, it’s just different. I like classical music better because it’s more challenging for the piano. You like popular music because you don’t just play the piano, you write the lyrics.”

As I turned away from the piano to face Justin he kissed me, “God I love  it when you talk music to me.”

I giggled and he grabbed onto my hand, “Come upstairs with me.”

“I suppose I should see the rest of your house.”

“Yeah, sure. The rest of my house.”

It was hard for me to understand why Justin would ever prefer to spend so much time in my tiny studio apartment on the far side of the UCLA campus when he could stay in his huge house. Of course, looking back I realized how obvious it was that he was looking for an escape from his completely abnormal life. 

I was that escape for him, at least that’s how it started. 

March 14, 2014

Things that make me feel old: the fact that my back hurts when I do crazy things like sleep. I mean, seriously why does my back hurt when all I did was sleep? My back hurting is the least of my problems. The only thing that makes me feel old that matters is the simple fact that it’s Chris’s birthday. My dear, sweet, adorable, little baby son is thirteen years old today. THIRTEEN! How did that happen?

I sat on the couch wearing jeans and a hoodie, waiting for my son to wake up. It’s Friday morning, well almost afternoon, it’s already 11 o’clock and I’m on my second cup of coffee. I’m getting impatient. Chris definitely likes his sleep, like his mother,  but this is getting ridiculous. 

When I finally heard footsteps I sat up, and watched the birthday boy emerge from upstairs.  He was wearing nothing but a pair of gray sweatpants, his usual attire. One leg of his sweats was up to the knee, and the other was halfway down his shin. He had on  one sock and his dirty blonde wavy hair was all over the place. I couldn’t help but chuckle as he plopped down next to me on the couch. 

“He’s alive! Happy Birthday!” I shouted, holding my arms out. 

My son stretched his arms over his head, instead of giving me a hug, and put his legs up, reaching over my lap on the other side of the couch. Why does he keep growing? 

“Thanks,” he answer groggily. 

“I can’t believe you’re thirteen. Already. A teenager. No longer a child.”

He reached to grab his hoodie that was left on the floor, as usual,  and pulled it over his head, “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“You’re moving out?” I faked excitement.

He rolled his eyes, and pulled the hood up over his head. “You’re old. It means you have a thirteen year old son so you must be ancient.”

I pushed his legs off my lap, “Yeah, but I was young when I had you so I’m still young and hip. Do you even realize how lucky you are to have such a young and smart and beautiful mother when all your friends’ parents are old and boring?” I stopped speaking as the string of my hoodie fell into my coffee.

“Did that really just happen?” Chris laughed so hard he dramatically fell to the floor. God, I love this kid so much.  “Yeah, not everyone can have a mother as cool and hip as you. Who even says hip anymore? I swear Gramps doesn’t even say hip anymore.”

“Ha. Ha. So funny,” I playfully kicked him and watched as he got himself together and climbed back on the couch.  “So what do you want to do on your annual bunk day? Now that you’ve spent the majority of it in bed. You really are getting older, although you’ve always appreciated a good sleep. I love that about you.”

“I am your son, aren’t I?” 

“Sure are. So?” I’m more excited than he is, “Wanna go shopping? Wanna get lunch? Wanna try coffee?”

“Presents and cake.” 

“We’re going to do that later, when Nana and Gramps come over. You know how it works.”

Chris moved his feet to the floor and turned to the coffee table full of presents. He’s spoiled, I know that. But at least he’s not a brat. He picked up the presents, one by one, and shook and felt each one carefully. 

I laughed at him, “First of all, it’s very rude to do that. Second, I wrapped everything in boxes so you can’t tell what anything is. Good try.”

He chuckled and fell back on the couch, “I bet I could still tell.”

“I’m sure you could, so don’t touch!”

“Fine. Just the iPhone then,” he gave me a half smile that reminded me of his father so much it still surprises me.

“Well I hope you’re a magician then, cause there’s definitely not one of those in there.”

He growled, “Lunch.”

“Cool, put some clothes on and figure out where you want to go.”

“Enchiladas. And nachos. And fried ice cream.”

“It’s your day.”

Chris headed towards the stairs but turned to the front door as the mail fell on the floor. He picked up the pile, tossing what wasn’t his back to the ground. When he found what he was looking for he slowly made his way back to the couch, with a teal envelope in his hands.   

“New York, huh?”

“New York?”

“He’s in New York.”

“Who’s that?”

“Gee Ma, I don’t know. A card. On my birthday. With no return address. Who could it possibly be from?”

My heart broke as he tapped the envelope on the edge of the couch. He’s old enough to understand the pattern on his annual birthday and Christmas cards. He used to only care about the money inside the envelope, not really giving much thought to the person who actually sent them.  But now, he’s sitting in front of me tapping the envelope, putting the clues together.

Slowly, he opened the card and read it aloud, “Happy thirteenth! Love, your father.”

I watched as Chris carefully studied the card before realizing I should say something, “That’s really nice of him,” I answered. 

“Oh yeah, sure. Really nice,” he answered sarcastically before shouting, “Holy shit, there’s like a grand in here!”

“There’s what?” He couldn’t have possibly said…

“A thousand dollars! Holy shit!”

“OK, wait. Don’t talk like that. You’re not…” There’s no way there’s that much in there. Who gives a thirteen year old a thousand dollars in cash? in the mail? “Give it to me.”

“It’s mine!”

“I’m not going to steal it, but you’re not keeping it in your pocket and spending it on candy.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea,” he smiled smartly.

I rolled my eyes and held my hand out, waiting for him to finally place the pile of hundred dollar bills in it.

“I’m totally getting an iPhone.”

“You’re totally not getting an iPhone. We’ll talk about it later, but you’re not spending it on something stupid.”

“Since when is technology stupid? You’re really aging yourself, Ma.”

I wanted to slap that smug smile off his face but alas, he is my son. “Are you going to get ready?”

He nodded his head and picked up the card again. I watched the smile slide off his face and felt my heart sinking as he studied it before speaking softly, “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“What?”

“Why does he even send a card? What’s the point? He doesn’t want anything to do with us, so why bother sending a card?”

I should have responded faster, but the truth is we’ve somehow managed to stay clear of this conversation. I haven’t prepared for it. Just thinking about it makes me anxious and I’ve successfully managed to steer the conversation away from his father any time it’s even gotten close.

He continued, looking up at me for the first time, “What does he, like, feel bad about it twice a year and send a card to clear his conscience?”

It was stupid of me to think this didn’t affect Chris as much as it obviously does. For some reason, I thought I made up for it, and managed to fill that hole in other ways. Honestly, I just thought his father was something he didn’t think about that much. 

I grabbed onto Chris’s hands to get his attention, “Sweetie, it’s very complicated, but your father loves you very much. It’s difficult, he cares about you and this is his way of staying involved.”

“It’s not really staying involved. It’s sending a card.”

I nervously bit my lip, “He loves you very much.”

“How do you know that? Do you talk to him?” he continued before I could answer, not that I would answer that question anyway. “I mean, he’s my father, I’ve never even met him, and the only thing I know about him is his handwriting.”

I wiped my eyes to stop them from tearing before they began, “So let’s talk about him.”

“Really?” Chris asked out of shock.

I nodded my head, “You’re getting older, and I think you’re ready to talk about him. I can’t tell you everything, believe me I would love to. But you have to trust me on this. I’ll answer what I can.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, ask away.”

He looked at me as if it were a trick, but began with his first question, “OK, fine. What’s his name?”

I felt my heart beating in my throat, suddenly regretting everything. Something as harmless as a name makes me have the beginnings of a panic attack. My son is thirteen and doesn’t even know his father’s name. “His name is Justin.”

“Last name?”

“Just Justin.”

“Do you even know his last name?”

I slapped his arm, “Of course I know his last name.”

“Then why can’t I know his last name? What do you think I’m going to look him up in the yellow pages and egg his house?”

“White pages, yellow pages are for businesses,” I ignored his attitude, “I’m actually impressed you know what the yellow pages are. Do you have any more questions?”

Chris gave me a look before continuing,“What does he do? Like, for a job?”

I smiled as I remembered the night while I was pregnant that Justin made me promise if this question came up that  I’d tell our future child that he was a secret agent, “He’s a secret agent.”

“Seriously Ma,” the look on Chris’s face told me he was not in the mood for jokes. 

“He’s a musician.”

“What kind of a musician? Like, in a band or something?”

“Kind of, yeah.”

“What does he play?”

“A lot of things, actually. Definitely the guitar and the piano. Some drums, some bass, probably some other things. I’m afraid I’m not too sure.”

“Is he any good?”

I smiled, “Yeah, he’s alright.”

“Were you like a groupie?”

I slapped the side of his head, “You little brat, I was not a groupie!”

“Fine,” he chuckled, “Did you meet him at some nerdy piano camp or something?”

I laughed, glad we’re able to find some humor in this conversation, “No, I did not meet him at some nerdy piano camp. We met at a party in college.”

“Did you guys date then or just—“

“Of course we dated,” I broke in before he could finish, “It wasn’t just a random thing, Chris. He wasn’t some stranger I met once. We were very happy together.”

“Then why’d you break up?”

“That’s a very difficult question to answer. We were young and things were complicated.”

“Like you got pregnant and he ran away?”

“He didn’t run away. It’s complicated.”

“He did run away. I mean, he’s not here, is he? Oh right, I forgot. He sends me birthday cards so, that makes him father of the year.”

I licked my lips, carefully studying my son and trying to figure out what I can tell him, “he didn’t run away,” I repeated.

“Did you love him?”

“I did.”

“Do you hate him now?”

“No, I don’t hate him. And I really hope you don’t hate him. I understand how confusing this is of you, but he loves you very much and wishes things could have gone differently.”

“I don’t get it. I don’t get why he left if he didn’t want to. If I’m supposed to believe he’s such a great guy then I’d know him, wouldn’t I?”

“There’s a lot more to it than that. It’s not that easy.”

Chris let out a sigh, “Then tell me why it’s not that easy! Why are you making excuses for him?”

“I’m not. It’s not as simple as it seems. He really wanted to be part of your life but it just wasn’t possible. I know it doesn’t make sense right now, but I can’t really explain more.”

“Now I’m more confused than I ever was.”

“I’m sorry.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I watched him carefully and he looked at the ground, letting everything sink in. 

“Do you have any more questions?”

He shrugged, “Do you think you’d still be together if you didn’t get pregnant?”

“No, absolutely not,” I answered before I could even think about the question, “we didn’t break up because of you. Don’t you dare think that you are in any way responsible for that. I am extremely happy with the way my life turned out. I wish you could know your father, but I’m so happy that I have you and you’re the only one that matters to me. Now go get changed, this isn’t how we should be spending your birthday. We need to go celebrate. We can talk about your father some other time.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night I took a warm bath and changed into my pajamas before falling in bed. That was a long, emotional day. It was hard enough dealing with the fact that my dear, sweet son is now officially a teenager, but all those questions about his father made my heart hurt. 

It was stupid of me not to prepare answers for his questions, I knew it was only a matter of time before he asked. The situation with Justin is anything but ordinary, that’s something I learned quickly. I wish I knew how to handle this whole thing, I wish I didn’t have to figure it out on my own. 

I turned the light off and laid wide awake, with my eyes open looking into the darkness. I need to figure out how to handle this, I’ve been avoiding it long enough. 

My cell phone rang and I quickly answered it, being sure not to wake Chris, “Hello?”

“Hello? Am I too late? Are you sleeping? Shit. I’m sorry, I meant to call you earlier but I had a show and I got caught up and I —“

I smiled as he rambled, “It’s fine, I’m up.”

He chuckled, “Good. OK, cool. Hi Mac.”

“Hi Justin, how are you?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Things have been hectic, but you know, the usual. How are you? How’s Chris?”

“We’re good.”

“Happy… Labor day? Day of labor?” he laughed, “What am I supposed to call it? I never know what to call it.”

“Definitely not Labor Day. How about Chris’s birthday?” I chuckled, “It was good. We went to lunch and went swimming and played some basketball.”

“Ah, the annual bunk day, huh?”

“Yup. Then my parents and Kelly came over for dinner and cake. He’s having some friends over tomorrow and we’re going to laser tag.”

“Sounds like fun. How’s he doing?”

“He’s good. I swear he turned into a teenager over night.”

“Well yeah, I bet. It’s crazy. Thirteen. Can you believe it?”

“No, not at all. How is that possible?”

“I feel like we were at that frat party a year ago, tops. How did we get so old?”

“Speak for yourself, I’m still extremely young and hip and cool.”

He laughed on the other end of the phone, and I could almost see him throwing his head back as he did, “I’m sure. Although using the word hip is kind of a dead giveaway you’re not all that hip anymore.”

I smiled, remembering Chris told me the same thing earlier. It’s pretty cool how they’re so far away from each other, and Chris has no memory of his father, but there’s still so many ways they’re alike. 

“I swear to god these last few years I’ve aged ten times as fast. By the end of the show I’m limping off the stage. My back hurts, my legs hurt, I’m out of breath,” Justin continued.

“Rough life, Timberlake.”

There were a few seconds of silence, immediately making me wish I’d chosen my words better. “I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” he spoke up softly and took a noticeable breath, “Did he get my card?”

“Yeah, are you out of your fucking mind?”

Justin chuckled, bringing us back to the conversation, “I know. I was just thinking of what I would have wanted at thirteen. It’s a big birthday, a teenager and all that. You know I’m just—” he continued softly, “overcompensating.”

“Well, he’s very grateful.”

“Good, send me pictures.”

I pulled my laptop off my bedside table as we spoke, “On it. I don’t have too many from today because he was getting annoyed with me, but there’s a couple from his basketball games.”

“Awesome, thanks. What else is going on?”

I wasn’t sure what exactly I should tell him. It’s a weird situation and technically, Justin and I aren’t even supposed to be talking. I feel the need to shelter Justin from a lot of things, because I know how difficult it is for him to be away from Chris. There was a time Justin had some serious depression because he couldn’t see his son grow up, I’ll do whatever I can to make sure that doesn't happen again. 

“You there?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” I answered softly, “What are you doing?”

“Now? Nothing, just got out of the shower and laying in bed. What’s going on?”

I nervously licked my lips, “Chris has been asking a lot of questions. About you, I mean.”

There were a few seconds of silence before he spoke up, “Like what?”

“Well he just wants to know about you, he’s getting older and he wants answers.”

“Is he upset?”

I nodded my head, “He’s confused and doesn’t understand. I’m not sure how to handle it, to be honest. I mean, I’ll figure it out.” There was a pause, “Justin?”

“Yeah,” he finally spoke up, “Listen, I’m in New York but I’m heading back to LA  Sunday night. Want to grab lunch Monday? We can, ya’know, figure it out?”

I smiled, surprised at his offer. It’s been at least five years since I’ve actually seen him in person. “That would be great.”

“Yeah?  Cool. I’ll see you at the diner then? Around noon?”

“The diner, gosh,” I laughed, thinking of the diner we used to frequent when we were dating, “Yeah, the diner sounds good.”

“I hope it’s still there,” he chuckled, “It’ll be good to see you and catch up. It’s been a while.”

“It sure has.”

“I’m excited.”

“Me too.”

“Alright,” he paused,  “I’ll see you soon.”

“Sounds good.”

“Goodnight, Mac. Sweet dreams.”

February 11, 2000

“Do you even know what day it is?” I asked softly, looking up at Justin who was sitting on my bed with his back against the headboard, strumming on his guitar. He didn’t respond, too caught up in his song to even notice me, probably. 

I turned to my stomach and tried to get his attention, “Justin, do you even know what day it is?”

He stopped playing and gave me a smile, “What are you talking about?”

“What day is it? Do you know?”

“No, I dunno. Tuesday? Wednesday? What does it matter?”

“I’d say it matters. Do you know what time it is? I’m so confused.”

“Are you on drugs?” he asked with a chuckle and reached for his cell phone, looked at the time, then tossed it across the room to the couch “It’s 12:45.”

“What day?”

He shrugged, “I dunno, Mac. Tuesday? Wednesday?”

“Don’t you have to go to work or anything?”

“You trying to get rid of me?”

“No.”

“I’m on vacation,” he started strumming the guitar again, “If you want me to leave, just say it.”

“I don’t want you to leave. I’m just confused. All you do is tell me how you’re such a big deal but, you kinda seem like a bum.”

He threw his head back and cackled, “A bum? Girl, I spent the last two months in the studio nonstop recording an album. I need a vacation, you know?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Like you should be talking. I thought you were in college. Miss triple major over here—“

“Double and a minor,” I corrected him. 

“Don’t you have classes?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m asking you what day it is.”

“Tuesday or Wednesday. Probably.”

“Well, if it’s Wednesday I have class in fifteen minutes. If it’s Tuesday I have class at six.”

“In that case it’s definitely Tuesday,” he smiled as he stood up and went to the couch to grab his phone, “Thursday. How the hell did that happen?”

“It’s Thursday?” I sat up, “Well, I don’t have class until six but how is it already Thursday?” I chuckled, “I’m hungry, want to go get food?”

“Yeah, lets go to the diner,” he suggested, plopping back on my bed wearing nothing but a pair of gray sweatpants.

“I’ll take a shower,” I stood up and walked towards the bathroom but stopped when I was in front of Justin. 

“OK,” he chuckled, leaned the guitar on the floor against the bed and wrapped his arms around my waist. 

“I’m kinda glad you’re such a bum, Justin.”

“Yeah, me too,” he leaned back and pulled me down with him, “I’m glad you’re such a bum too, Mac.”

“I’m not a bum.”

“No?” Justin chuckled as he attached his lips to mine. 

“No, I’m just a dumb girl who got caught up with the wrong guy.”

“Ha, please,” I could feel him smiling as he kissed my neck and slid his hand up my shirt. 

“Justin.”

“Mmhmm?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Me too,” he gave me a sexy smile as he moved his lips back to mine. 

“I need to shower.”

“Then why you pulling at the drawstring of my sweats?”

“I am not!” I laughed and held my hands up, “Stop imagining things!”

He chuckled and started kissing my neck again, “Real quick.”

“I will shower real quick.”

“You know damn well that is not what I’m talking about!”

I giggled, kissed his lips quickly and stood up, “After lunch I’m going to rock your world, Timberlake.”

He laughed and threw a pillow at me as a response, but luckily I’m too fast for him and closed the door before it hit me. 

As I stepped out of the shower I heard the front door open. I wrapped a towel around myself but listened carefully. “Who the hell are you? Where’s my daughter?”

Shit. 

I couldn’t put my clothes on fast enough. 

“Oh,” I heard Justin jump out of bed and speak nervously, “Mac’s in the shower. I’m Justin. It’s uh— it’s nice to meet you Mr— uh, Mr—“

“Mr…? You don’t know my daughter’s last name? That’s a good sign,” my father answered sarcastically as I pulled my clothes over my soaking wet body. “Are you just waking up? It’s one o’clock in the afternoon.”

“No sir, I’ve just been—“ Justin stopped talking as I walked out of the bathroom. My father turned to me and Justin took the chance to pull his hoodie over his bare chest before letting out at a noticeable sigh of relief as I walked towards my father. 

“Dad? What are you doing here?”

“It’s Thursday. At one o’clock. We’re getting lunch, are we not?”

“Oh yeah, of course. Sorry, it’s just been a busy week.”

“I can see that,” he eyed Justin and adjusted the cuffs of his suit. 

I giggled nervously, “Have you met Justin?”

“I sure have met the half naked young man on your bed who does not know your last name.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Daddy, of course he knows my last name is Cole,” I smiled back at Justin, who silently thanked me for saving him. 

“Did you skip class this morning?” my father asked sternly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Nooo, I didn’t have class this morning. Tuesday/Thursday I only have night class.”

“Then you should have a job. Why aren’t you working?” he answered with a half smile. 

I rolled my eyes, “Because then I couldn’t have lunch with you, could I?”

“Fair enough,” my father nodded his head and pulled me into a hug, finally letting go of his tough guy persona. “Will you be joining us, Justin?”

“Oh no, Mr— uh, Mr—“

“Cole” my father dragged it out as if he were trying to feed it to him. 

“Yeah, Mr. Cole,” Justin chuckled nervously, “Thanks, but I…”

“Just come,” It was funny to see Justin so nervous, especially in front of my father who in all reality is the biggest softie in the world,  “My dad’s cool.”

“Yeah, I’m cool,” my father smiled, “Unless you’re missing class, in which case I am most definitely not cool.”

“I’m not missing class,” Justin answered, running his hand through his hair. 

“Great, let’s go. I’ll be in the car.”

As the door closed behind my father Justin let out the breath he’d been holding in since my father walked into my studio.He fell to the bed and I laughed, “You ok?”

“Are you  kidding? I’m laying on your bed, without a shirt on, and your father just walks in. A little warning would have been nice, he’s over here grilling me and I don’t even know your last name!”

“Cole!” I laughed before falling on top of him, “I’m sorry. I completely forgot. He’s just messing with you. You don’t have to come. It’s kind of weird, right? I mean, it’s been like a few days.”

“It’s not that. I just don’t want your father’s first impression of me to be laying half naked on his daughter’s bed.”

“It could have been worse.”

“Yeah, it could have been worse,” Justin answered with a smile and pushed me off of himself, pulling on a pair of jeans “alright, let’s do this.”

“He really is cool, he’s just messing with you. He likes to mess with people.”

“Good to know. Again, it would have been even better to know that about ten minutes ago.”

My father always manages to find the weirdest places to go to lunch. It’s not like we could go to a normal restaurant, we always end up at these tiny hole in the wall places. I’m not complaining, the food is always amazing, it’s just so strange to me that he even knows all these places. 

I guess it has something to do with the fact that he’s an entertainment lawyer, so he’s always going to lunch with his big name clients that don’t exactly want to be gawked at while they’re eating their pad thai. 

“So. Justin,” my father began as he placed the menu on the table, “Do you always wear a hat at the table?”

Justin looked around the quiet restaurant and I spoke up for him, “Dad, he—“

“It’s a quiet restaurant, you can take it off,” my father continued, turning his attention back to his menu.

Justin gave me a quick smile as he pulled his hat off and ran his hand through his wavy hair. 

My father took a deep breath and looked between Justin and I. “So. What’s the story? How did you two meet?

“We met at a party.” 

“Oh, great, a party,” my father answered sarcastically.

“You know how I feel about parties, Dad. It wasn’t really a party, more like a gathering.”

“Oh of course, yeah. Sure. A gathering. Where you drank root beer and ate candy cigarettes.”

“You really get college life,” I answered with a smile, my father rolled his eyes. 

“I think the problem, Mackenzie, is that I do get it,” he took a sip from his water before continuing,  “So. Justin, what are you studying?”

Justin looked at me before answering, “Oh, I’m not. I’m not in school.”

“Oh, he’s not in school. Fantastic,” my father and the sarcastic go well, that’s for sure, “What is it, that you do?”

“I’m kind of, I’m in a band.”

“Oh, he’s in a band,” my father gave me a look, “he just keeps getting better and better.”

“Dad!”  I laughed, “Stop, you’re being such a jerk!”

“Oh no sweetie, please, this is every father’s dream. A guy in a band. Please Justin, what kind of a band?”

Justin glanced at me before turning to face my father, “Probably not the kind of band you’re thinking of, I mean I don’t bite the heads off chickens or anything,” he smiled making a joke, but my father just stared at him, “I’m in a pop singing group. Have you heard of ’N SYNC?”

My father took a deep breath and turned to look at me, then turned back to Justin. I’m not sure why he’s being so difficult. “Do I look like someone who has heard of a pop music group?”

Justin spoke nervously, “No sir, I didn’t mean to— I’m in a pop music group. We have a record deal, I’m just asking if you heard of us because we’ve been in the news a lot lately. We’ve had some record label issues.”

“Nope, never heard of it.”

“Dad, stop, you’re freaking him out,” I answered and turned to Justin, “My father is an entertainment lawyer so I’m pretty sure he knows exactly what you’re talking about and is just being a complete. jerk.”

My father took a sip of water to hide his smile, “Just giving you a hard time, Mr. Timberlake. Payback for finding you in my daughter’s bed without a shirt on.”

“Nothing happened! I was talking a shower, he just came over to hang out.”

My father cleared his throat and threw a hand up, “I don’t want to hear anything about that. Ever. Got it?” I nodded my head, “Who are your lawyers, Justin?”

“Uh, Steve Flanagan, Larry Groves, Tom Simmons.”

He nodded his head, “I’m familiar with your record label issues, seems like you’re in good hands. I’ll give you my card in case you need it.”

“Dad. Seriously?”

“He might need to get in touch with me, Mackenzie,” he gave me a death glare and handed Justin his card.

“He won’t need to get in touch with you.”

“I’m not trying to get a new client,” he turned to Justin and repeated himself, “I’m not trying to get a new client. I’m simply saying you can give me a call, as you’re a friend of my daughter’s, and I’m sure there is a line of people looking to take advantage of you. So I'm happy to offer my assistance, or recommend to you someone who can be of assistance if I can’t.”

“God Dad, stop with the lawyer talk,” I whined. 

“OK, we won’t talk about that. So Justin, what are your intentions with my daughter?”

“Dad!”

My father chuckled and took a sip, “OK, what can we talk about, Mackenzie? The weather? The Lakers?”

“Kobe’s on fire this year, huh?” Justin spoke up, placing my father’s card in his pocket. 

Luckily, my father decided to stop embarrassing me and focused on the Lakers. As awkward as the whole situation began, it ended almost normally. 

When we got back to my studio apartment I fell down on my bed, “That was so embarrassing, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Justin chuckled as he fell down next to me, “I like your father, I had fun.”

I gave him a look, “Really?”

“Yeah, really. I think it’s cool he takes you out to lunch every week. I know lots of guys in his business that don’t give a shit and are always working.”

“Yeah, family is important to him.”

Justin nodded his head and pulled me to his chest, “He’s a good guy. I like him.”

“What’s your father like?”

“My parents divorced when I was little, I don’t even remember a time when they were together. He remarried, had a new family, wasn’t really interested in us,” he stopped and looked at me, then chuckled, “God, that sounded so sad. It’s not a big deal. My mom remarried, I was older though. Paul is cool. The point is your dad is cool. I like him.”

“Well, good. But don’t call him unless he’s a last resort, ok? He’s a great lawyer but, he’s my dad.”

“I’m good, don’t worry,” he smiled. 

“I feel like I should go to class. I don’t want to, but I feel like I should.”

“Yeah, you should go,” Justin said as he ran his hand through my hair, “I’ll stay here and sleep.”

“That’s so not fair.”

“It’s absolutely fair. I’m on vacation,” he reminded me once again, “I’ll go get a movie or something, have dinner ready. Just leave me your keys.”

“Ooh, you’ll have dinner ready? We’ve advanced to an old married couple.”

Justin chuckled, “I mean, we met almost a week ago, it’s about time we take this relationship to the next level.”

I laughed as I forced myself out of bed, “Everything is sped up, isn’t it? You already met my father,” I tossed my keys at him, “Please make sure you’re home by eight, my class is over at eight.”

“I’ll be back by eight, I’ll leave now,” he stood up and grabbed his cell phone from his pocket, “Let me give you my number just in case.”

“So smooth,” I laughed as I grabbed my cell phone from my bag, “That’s how you’re going to ask me for my number?”

“Nah,” he cleared his throat and tried again, “Hey baby, let me get your number.”

I shook my head, “No, that’s kind of creepy.”

“Alright,” he chuckled, “There’s something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.”

I laughed, “That is a problem. God, it’s a good thing you didn’t ask me for my number Friday night or you definitely never would have seen me again.”

“Right,” he laughed, “I forgot my phone number, can I have yours?”

“Oh my god, stop! You’re embarrassing yourself!”

“Mackenzie… what’s your middle name?”

“Elizabeth”

“OK, Mackenzie Elizabeth Cole, will you do me the honor of giving me your number?”

“I mean, you could have got down on one knee but,” I laughed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me onto the bed, “Yes! You can have my number!”

March 16, 2014

I woke up with a nervous feeling in my stomach. Today is the day Matt is taking Chris off roading for his birthday. I know I won’t be spending the day with them, I’ll only see Matt for a few minutes, but it’s the first time I’ve seen him since we broke up. Let’s just say he wasn’t exactly the happiest I’ve ever seen him that day. 

I showered and even straightened my hair, but then decided to put on jeans and a tank top because I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. It’s stupid that I’m nervous to see this man I’ve been with for the past two years. So stupid.

I stopped at Chris’s room on my way downstairs and knocked softly before opening the door, “Wake up, Sleepy Head!”

Chris whined and tossed in his bed, pulling a pillow over his head.

“Matt will be here soon and you need to shower,” I pulled the pillow off his head and sat next to him on the bed, “Make sure you use soap and scrub. Don’t just rinse off quick, wash your hair too.  I don’t know why I still have to tell you that.”

He chuckled and pulled the covers over his face. 

“It’s not funny!” I laughed and pulled the covers down, “Get ready! I’ll make breakfast. Pancakes? French Toast? Eggs?”

“French Toast. And a smoothie!”

“Definitely. I have some of that bumpy squash left that I need to get rid of.”

“NO!” he laughed as he rolled out of the bed and onto the floor. I sat on his bed, watching him crawl to his bathroom. He’s so strange.

“Sometimes, Christopher, you really worry me.”

He laughed, stuck his tongue out at me, and slammed his bathroom door. I laughed as I made my way downstairs and started making breakfast. It’s a relief to see him in a good mood. After the conversation we had about his father it took him a little while to be back to normal. I hate watching him go through those struggles, especially when I can’t tell him everything. It’s not even that it would fix anything, it probably wouldn’t. I feel like the shittiest mother in the world.

Chris came bouncing down the stairs and plopped on his normal chair at the bar just as I placed a plate of french toast in front of him. He grabbed the syrup and held it a foot over the plate, letting it fall everywhere. 

“What are you going to do today?” he asked with his mouth full, as if I haven’t taught him anything.

“Chew! God, you’re like an obnoxious teenager all of a sudden.” 

He laughed and rolled his eyes, “I am a teenager, not my fault.”

I sat down next to him and cut up my own french toast, “Kelly is coming over. I’m going to help her register for her baby shower.”

“Sounds boring.”

“Sounds like fun to me.”

He shook his head, “Boring. You can come with us, wanna come?”

I smiled at his sly attempt to get Matt and I to spend time together, “Nah, I want to shop.”

“This place is real cool. There’s sand dunes and steep hills and we can just go around in Matt’s jeep. It looks so cool. I’d show you the website on my iPhone but… oh wait, I don’t have one.”

“Get over the iPhone! You’re so exhausting!”

He took a deep breath, “They have camping, too.”

“I’ll take you camping,” I offered. 

“Yeah right, with who? Kelly?”

“Why not Kelly?”

“Uh, cause she’s pregnant and couldn’t even get off the couch by herself yesterday. She probably couldn’t even fit in a sleeping bag.”

“Christopher!” I laughed and playfully slapped his arm, “Don’t you dare say that in front of her! She will kill you and I won’t be able to protect you.”

“Whatever, I can take her.”

We heard a beep from the driveway and Chris jumped up and ran towards the door. 

“Whoa, wait!” I followed him outside, surprised to see Matt sitting in his jeep. I thought he’d at least come to the door. That’s not like him.

Chris ran to the jeep and hopped into the front seat. As I made my way to the driveway, Kelly pulled up. She is so adorably pregnant and has such a hard time maneuvering out of her car. I laughed, remembering what Chris said about her trying to get off the couch. 

She looked at Matt’s jeep confused, and then looked at me. 

“Well, hey there Matt,” she offered in a singsong. 

“Hey Kel, how’s it going?” he got out of the jeep to give her a hug. “Getting close, huh?”

“Yeah, three more months!” 

“Exciting,” he flashed a smile and ran his hands through his shaggy brown hair, “good to see you.”

“Yeah, good to see you too.” she gave me a look, then turned to Chris as she wobbled up the driveway, “Hi punk, don’t even say hi to me, it’s cool.”

“I just saw you!” Chris called out the window, “I always see you!”

“So, you don’t say hi?” she gave him a sarcastic smile, “I’m taking your present back.”

“Hi Kelly!!!” Chris shouted with a chuckle. 

“Hi Christopher!”she shouted back.

I laughed at the relationship Kelly has with my son and gave her a quick hug before jogging past her to Matt’s jeep. I’m pretty sure he would just drive away without acknowledging my presence at all. 

“Hey,” I smiled. 

“Hey,” Matt said softly then looked over at Chris and turned back to me with a smile, “How are you guys doing? Alright?”

“Yeah, we’re good. How’s everything with you?”

“Good, good,” he nodded his head awkwardly. This is all so awkward. 

“OK, well I’ll let you guys go and have your man day. Please be careful, and keep your seatbelt on. And don’t go too fast,” I turned to Matt, “Please.”

“Got it.”

“Got it,” Chris repeated.

“And call me at some point, let me know how it’s going. Do you need anything? Want me to make you some sandwiches or something?”

“I got it,” Matt nodded to the cooler in the backseat. 

“OK. Have fun. Be good,” I blew a kiss at my son. 

“Bye Mom,” Chris shouted as Matt rolled up his window. 

I walked back to the house, where Kelly was already waiting. She gave me one of her famous looks and giggled, “Awkward.”

“Tell me about it. He didn’t even come to the door. God, he talked to you more than he talked to me.”

“Well, to be fair, I didn’t break up with him.”

“Yeah, but you also didn’t date him for two years.”

She shrugged and sat down in the kitchen as I put some water in the kettle for tea. “But I didn’t break his heart.”

“Neither did I!”

“Sure you didn’t. I think you’re taking the breakup better than anyone. Hell, even I’m a little sad about it. I like Matt.”

I grabbed the mugs from the cabinet and ignored her comment. I’m not sure how to respond to that. Of course she likes Matt, he’s a very likable guy. Everyone likes him. My parents love him, my son obviously loves him. It’s not helping anything for everyone to tell me how much they love him. 

“Anyway, I think you need to give it some time. It was pretty random that you broke up, and he was really invested. It’s probably still really difficult for him to see you.”

“What do you mean it was random? It was not random.”

“Mac, I was with you both the weekend before and you were completely happy, in love, like everything was great. I was with you the night before and you didn’t say a word about breaking up with him to me. Not a word. You tell me everything.”

“That’s not true, but whatever.”

“What isn’t true about it?” she laughed, “You surprised everyone when you broke up with him. That’s fine, but you can’t go around pretending it was a long time coming and you were unhappy for awhile.”

“Why are you acting like that’s the only reason we could have broken up? I wasn’t unhappy for awhile, but I realized it wasn’t working. Are you saying I should have stayed with him because I wasn’t quite miserable enough to end it?”

“No, of course that’s not what I’m saying. Do you think—” she began, already making me nervous about what would come next. My best friend is a therapist, and although it sometimes works to my advantage, the majority of the time it drives me fucking crazy. “Don’t get mad at me, I’m just asking.  But, do you think this whole thing has anything to do with Justin?”

“What?” I almost shouted, here we go…“Kel, I haven’t—“

“I mean, I’m just saying. You haven’t dated much, or at all, since Justin. And then you found Matt and it was going good, I mean I assume, and then maybe it started getting a little too… serious?”

“OK, where do I start? First of all, I haven’t really dated. In general. I dated Justin when I was nineteen. Then I had a baby. So of course I’m not going to date, I didn’t want to bring guys around when Chris was young, plus it’s not like I had time to date even if I wanted to. And it didn’t just start getting serious with Matt, it’s been serious for a long time. ”

“I know, I know.”

“And I didn’t even date Justin for that long. I’ve been with Matt way longer than I was ever with Justin. ”

“Oh please Mac, you know you’re talking to me, right? Not Justin’s mother or some lawyer? You and Justin had a whirlwind romance for a couple months then you ‘broke up’” she made the air quotes with her fingers, “but I’m not one of the idiots that actually fell for that. 

I know he was here all the time. I know how much you loved him. And I know that he was madly in love with you. I mean, he wanted to marry you, Mac.”

“He didn’t—“ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself down, “OK, well that was more than ten years ago.”

“I know.  I’m just saying, do you think that maybe, there could be a part of you that might have some unrealistic expectations and might be looking more for something like what you had with Justin? Because that was such a… unique relationship.”

“No, I don’t. My relationship with Justin wasn’t that great. Sure, we had some amazing times but the majority of the time I was with him really sucked. I went through some horrible things, and I would never want to do that again. My relationship with Matt was completely different. And normal. There wasn’t any of that drama that I had with Justin, it was so much easier.”

“Do you think that maybe, because Justin was your first true love, and you had such a unique relationship where you broke up but didn’t really break up for so long, that there still could be a part of you that’s kind of waiting for Justin? Even if it’s really only a little, tiny part of you? And that would be ok. Maybe you were getting too serious with Matt and it freaked you out because you’re whole life the only person you ever imagined you’d be with is the father of your child?”

“No, I don’t.  I hate when you go all therapist on me Kelly, I’m not your patient.”

“I’m not going all therapist on you, I’m going all best friend on you. Because Justin is engaged. To someone else.”

“I’m aware of that. Thank you.”

“OK. I just know you’re seeing him tomorrow and I don’t want you to…”

“Kelly,” I moved next to her and grabbed her hands, “I know you’re looking out for me, and you’re in mommy mode, protective mode. I appreciate it, really. But this has nothing to do with Justin. It’s been ten years since we’ve been together, in any sense. I’m absolutely over that. He’s engaged and I’m very happy for him. I’m seeing him tomorrow to talk about our son, and that’s it.”

“OK,” she paused to giggle, “You get so defensive when we talk about Justin.”

“Because it was so long ago,” I whined, “You’re so annoying.”

“You turn into a nineteen year old when we talk about him,” she answered with a half smile, “A whiny, bratty nineteen year old.”

I took a deep breath and poured the boiling water into our mugs. “This conversation is exhausting.”

“Exactly my point,” Kelly laughed, “You know me, queen of exhausting conversations.”

“You’re lucky you’re pregnant or I’d have to kick your ass.”

She chuckled and grabbed the mug in her hands, “Bitch, please. I could take you even with this kid in my belly.”

March 25, 2000

The first month Justin and I were together was like living in a fairytale. We spent every minute together, he basically moved into my studio apartment. But that time flew by and before either of us knew it everything changed. 

It started slowly, at first Justin had a few meetings a week, but then it quickly picked up when he began rehearsals for his tour. He was busy at least twelve hours a day and although he made sure to see me everyday he was so exhausted he almost always fell asleep shortly after we saw each other. 

The night before he left for tour I didn’t know what to do with myself. The fact that he was leaving for six months scared me to death.

As I waited at his house for him to come home from his last rehearsal, I sat at the piano playing Alkan’s Scherzo Diabolico, the fast angry tempo matched my mood. When Justin walked in he stood next to me in silence until I finished the song. 

“I love hearing you play. I could hear you as soon as I got to the driveway.”

I couldn’t respond, instead I stood up and fell into his arms. 

“I know it sucks, Mac. It’s only a couple months.”

I know it’s supposed to make me feel better, the fact that he’s being so optimistic, but it doesn’t. He’s leaving to tour the world for six months and I only met him two months ago. That’s three times as long as I even knew him. How is it possible to get through that? It’s great that he’s being optimistic, but I can’t help but be realistic.

“It’s half a year,” I reminded him. 

“Not straight through. It’s two months, a week off, two months, a month off, two months.”

“So more like seven and a half months then.”

“That wasn’t where I was going with that,” he forced a smile.

“But it’s true. It’s a long time and it’s going to feel like forever. There’s no need to sugarcoat it.”

“I’m going to be back a lot,” he wrapped his arms around me, “You’re going to come visit me.”

“I have classes. I can’t just leave and fly to the other side of the country. You know that.”

“There’s long weekends. And you have a break between semesters.” 

I let out a sigh and leaned down to rest my head on his shoulder. 

“I got dinner.”

I ignored him. 

“Mac, come on. It’s going to get cold.”

He moved away from me and placed the food on the table. I couldn’t move, just watched him spooning the food onto plates. 

“Please, Mac. I’m leaving in the morning, and it sucks. Can’t we try to make the best out of our last night together?”

I hopped off the counter and sat next to him at the table. I played with my food instead of eating it, my appetite was absolutely gone. 

“I’m starving, aren’t you hungry? Rehearsals are kicking my ass but the show is coming together really well. I can’t wait for you to see it.” he paused, waiting for me to say something but I continued looking at my plate, “Alright, what’s going on?”

I looked up at him, “I’m just thinking.”

“I know you are, it’s kind of freaking me out. Think out loud.”

“I really like you, Justin.”

“I really like you, Mackenzie.”

“But I just really—“

“No, stop,” he broke in, “What are you doing?”

“You’re going on tour. For six months. You’re going to be meeting a lot of people and—“

“What? Where are you going with that? Who cares?”

“I just don’t want you to miss out on anything because of me.”

“What are you even talking about? You don’t make any sense.”

“I’m making perfect sense, you’re just not listening. I’m saying that you are twenty years old and you should be able to have fun and to party. I mean, you have this insane opportunity, you should be able to live it up. You shouldn’t have to worry about me back home. And when you get back we can see if we’re still—“

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“I just think we should probably take a break while you’re gone.”

“No.”

I wiped my eyes, “What do you mean no? You can’t just say no.”

“Of course I can. I’m not going to just go along with your crazy talk, Mac. I’ll be back in two months.”

“Justin, we met two months ago.”

“OK, what does that have to do with anything? You’ll be busy with school anyway, you can focus on school. I’ll be busy too. It’ll go by fast.”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“Maybe I’m not listening to you, but that’s because you’re talking crazy. What do you think life is like on tour? There’s girls everywhere and strippers and cocaine or something? I’m in a boy band for fucks sake. The majority of the kids at the show are just that, kids. We’re so overbooked we go straight on a bus after the show and drive to the next city. So yeah, I am listening to you Mac, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with you.”

“You don’t really have to agree with me.”

“Oh, come on,” he threw his head back, “I’m leaving in the morning, Mac. Can we please just enjoy tonight?”

“I’m not, not enjoying tonight. I just think we should be realistic.”

“For fucks sake, I’m being realistic,” he shook his head and chuckled, “You’re being insane. At least give it a shot, Mac. Come on. What’s it going to hurt? You just want to forget everything and walk away, 

“I don’t want to walk away.”

“Then stop talking crazy, eat your dinner and go to bed with me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June 15, 2000

Being away from Justin really sucks.

He told me it would go by fast and he’d have all these breaks where he’d come home. I should have known that wouldn’t happen. It’s been two and a half months and he hasn’t had more than a day off at a time. His first break was supposed to be two weeks ago, but his management keeps adding more dates and appearances. It’s a miracle he hasn’t passed out from exhaustion, never mind get a whole week off. 

  I feel like I’m missing a part of myself when he’s gone. I’m aware how stupid that sounds, we were only technically together a few months before he left for tour. I’ve tried to talk myself out of these stupid feelings, but it’s not working. I’m learning to just accept it. 

As soon as I finished my last final I was on my way to the airport, flying a red eye from LAX to JFK. I can only stay for a few days, before my summer classes start, but the thought of being able to actually spend time with Justin again was all I needed. 

When I landed in New York City, I took a cab to the hotel. At first, Justin insisted he’d come pick me up, but then things changed when his management found out. They’re not exactly happy I’m coming. I guess it ruins Justin’s heartthrob image if he actually has a girlfriend. 

It was still difficult for me to understand the whole celebrity thing surrounding Justin. I grew up in Los Angeles, my father has some friends that are celebrities but I always just saw them as normal people. 

When the cab pulled up to the hotel, I finally understood it. 

OK, I understood what Justin means when he says he’s a big deal, and when I make fun of him for being paranoid and he says I don’t get it. I get it now. There are tons of girls sitting outside the hotel. Tons of girls wearing my boyfriend’s face on their shirts, and holding signs proclaiming their love for him. The whole sidewalk is full they had to put barriers up so there’s a small path for people to walk by. 

I felt overwhelmed by the accessiveness, and took a deep breath.

“Hey, kid, $47.50”

“Oh, right. sorry,” I handed him the money and grabbed my suitcase from the trunk. It took me a minute to get my thoughts together, and I slowly made my way into the lobby. Surprisingly, it was quiet inside, I guess the security outside is doing there job with keeping the riffraff out. 

A security guard stopped me at the elevator, “Can I see your key, please?”

“My key? I don’t—“

“You need a key to get upstairs.”

Awesome. 

“I don’t have one, I’m meeting my boyfriend. He’s already checked in.”

The man gave me a look, then turned to my bags, “Do you know the room?”

I nodded my head. 

“Alright, I’ll let you go,” he gave me a smile, “Red eye flight, huh?”

I nodded my head again and got on the elevator catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Yup, definitely look like I just got off a red eye flight. I quickly ran my hands through my hair and tried to look at least a little more put together. 

As soon as I knocked on Justin’s door he opened it slightly and pulled me inside. He pushed me up against the closed door and kissed me harder than I’ve ever been kissed before. 

“Hi,” I giggled as he pulled away. 

“Hi,” he smiled as he grabbed my hands and pulled me to the bed,”Hi Mac. God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” I said as I placed my hands on his face, “You’ve grown so much.”

Justin chuckled before kissing me gently, “What are you talking about? I haven’t grown.”

“You look older.”

“It’s been two months.”

“Your hair is different.”

He shrugged and offered a smile, “I got a haircut.”

“I like it,” I ran my hands through his shorter, curly hair. 

“How was your flight, ok?”

“Yeah, it was good,” I smiled, unable to stop studying him, “How are you? How’s everything? I miss you.”

“I’m right here,’ Justin said as he pulled me to his chest, “How was the flight? Are you tired?”

“Yeah, it was good. I’ve never flown first class before, thanks.”

“You’ve never flown first class?” he asked out of disbelief, “You’re telling me your father makes you fly coach?”

“Are you kidding?” I asked with a chuckle,  “My father is cheap when it comes to that stuff.”

“That’s weird, he never will let me pay for anything when we go out.”

“There’s a big difference between dinner and first class.”

My parents have basically taken Justin in as one of their own. My mother called me as soon as my father told her about our awkward lunch where he walked in on Justin laying on my bed. She was seriously pissed that I hadn’t called her to tell her all about ‘this boy’ and even told me we had to go get our nails done and have girl talk. 

Never, in my life, has my mother asked me to go get our nails done together. She is not the kind of woman who gets her nails done. For that matter, neither am I. But she really made me feel like we’d be missing out on some huge mother daughter bonding experience if not, so we went to get our nails down and shared girl talk like they do in the movies. 

Of course, that wasn’t enough and she insisted I invite Justin back to the house for dinner. I was embarrassed to even mention it to Justin, but when I did he was actually excited. Part of the condition of me getting a studio apartment in college, which my parents so graciously are paying for, is that I go back home once a week for a family dinner. Justin has been added to that condition while he was in town. 

“How are they, your parents?”

“They’re good,” I said as I crawled on top of him, “Let’s not talk about them now, ok?”

“OK,” he chuckled as I kissed him gently. I stopped when I noticed the screaming and chanting coming from outside, “What?” Justin asked as he kissed my neck. 

“You can literally hear them outside. We’re in New York City. On the fourteenth floor. And we can hear them outside. Are they always this loud?”

“Does it turn you on?” he asked with a sexy smile. 

“No,” I answered too quickly, if I’m honest it kind of freaks me out, “should it?”

He chuckled, “I mean, I would think so”

“I should be turned on because there are hundred of preteens screaming for you?”

Justin laughed, “Yeah. They’re all out there for me, your boyfriend. It’s gotta make you feel special that I’m here with you”

“Oh god,” I laughed, resting my head on his chest, “Maybe it’s because you’re part of a group and so I know that realistically only one fifth of them are screaming for you so…”

“Oh please, everyone knows I’m the young heartthrob. At least two fifths of them are here for me. I’ve got that boyish charm.”

“And so modest too, not even the slightest bit cocky,” I answered with a smile. 

“I know, it’s amazing,” he paused as he ran his hand through my hair, before asking seriously “Does it freak you out?”

“You never answered my question.”

“What was your question?”

“If they’re always this loud.”

“No, it’s New York,” he lied, “Everything is, you know, exaggerated here.”

I nodded my head.

“Mac, it’s not always this crazy. They’re harmless.”

“I know.”

“But it freaks you out?”

I shrugged, “It’s a little weird. Not bad, just weird.”

Justin let out a sigh and wrapped his arms around me, “You’re not allowed to use that as some excuse to try to break up with me while you’re here, got it? I’m serious, I have a break in two weeks.”

“I’m not.”

“Good. Because I’m madly in love with you and I’m not going to take any of that shit.”

A smile covered my face as I crawled back on top of him, “What did you just say?”

“You heard me,” he answered with a smile. 

“I thought I heard you, but like, there’s all that screaming…” I giggled as Justin turned me over and laid on top of me. He attached his lips to my neck and unzipped my jeans. 

He chuckled as he continued kissing me and slowly slid his hand down my pants. 

A knock on the door made us both freeze, “J, let’s go, we’re leaving!” a voice called from the hallway. 

Justin rested his head on my shoulder, “Nooo,” he whined in a whisper. 

“Don’t go.”

“I gotta go.”

“Just quit. Stay here.”

He kissed me one more time before standing up and changing his clothes, “I have to go to MTV to do TRL. You can do whatever, take a nap you must be exhausted. Get room service if you’re hungry. When we’re finished at MTV we’re going straight to the venue. So, want to meet me there around four?” he asked as he tossed me a backstage pass, “Rachel’s here, she’s next door so if you want to go out and do something she’ll go with you. Just make sure you’re at Madison Square Garden at four.”

“Yes, sir,” I sat up and fixed my jeans, “I’ll see you at four. Have fun.”

I did sleep for a little while, then went out exploring with Rachel. Rachel is Justin’s cousin, and although I met her a few times before, we really bonded on that New York trip. It was refreshing to have her friendly face there to help me deal with the madness I was thrown into. 

When I got to Madison Square Garden, I found Justin standing at craft services. He smiled and left the guy he was talking to when he saw me. 

“Hi,” he wrapped his arms around me. 

“Hi.”

“Did you eat?” I nodded my head. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his dressing room, “You ready?”

“Sure, for what?” I watched as he gave me a half smile and pulled a baseball cap on his head, “Uh oh, why is the Michael from Kentucky hat coming out?”

Justin chuckled and put on his sunglasses, “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?”

“Look, you’re going to have to trust me on this,” he said as he grabbed both of my hands in his, “Do you trust me?”

“Yeah, of course I trust you, but—“

“No buts. You trust me. Let’s go.”

I didn’t protest, instead I let him grab my hand and pull me out of his dressing room. I watched him carefully look around as we made our way through the back stage area. We’re not supposed to be doing this, even if Justin won’t admit it. He’s acting sneaky and to be honest, there are hundreds of girls outside who seem ready to attack, I’m not sure this is such a good idea. 

As we made our way to the door I felt the need to warn him, “Justin, there’s tons of—“

“Justin’s not here, it’s just Michael. From Kentucky,” he smiled and opened the door, “Act natural.”

Justin quickly led me through the crowd and put his arm out to call a cab as we stood on 8th Street. My heart was beating in my throat, we were standing out there at possibly the most populated area of New York City. Hundreds of people were outside waiting to catch a glimpse of him not even to mention the thousands of other people walking by trying to get to Penn Station. 

He looked over at me and smiled as a cab pulled up, “We’re good.”

I slid over in the cab once Justin opened the door for me. The cab driver looked back at us and Justin spoke up, “West 56th and 7th, please.”

He grabbed onto my hand as the driver took off. As tough as he wants to pretend he is, I definitely felt him breathing a sigh of relief. 

“Do I get any kind of hint?” I asked. 

“Nope.”

When the cab stopped Justin led me into the back entrance of a building. I tried to get some kind of a hint as to where we were, but the scaffolding blocked out any clues there may be.  A security guard waved him in, and I still have absolutely no idea what is going on. He checked his watched as we went up the stairs and down a long, quiet hallway. 

He stopped in front of a door, let out a breath and smiled, “OK. We’re here.”

“Where is here?”

Justin opened the door and led me inside. My heart stopped as I saw the famous red seats and white and gold interior. He sat down in the center of the curve and waited for me to sit. I couldn’t take my eyes off the beautiful architecture. I’ve only ever dreamed of going to Carnegie Hall, and now I’m actually here. 

“Word on the street is, these are the best seats in the house. The acoustics here are the best, but I’m sure you know that.”

I nodded my head and looked around the empty auditorium, “It’s beautiful. Horowitz sold out this auditorium in 1965. Wouldn’t it have been amazing to be here for that?”

Justin smiled and looked at his watch. 

“Do we have to go?”

“No. No, we’re staying. Martha Argerich, am I saying that right?” I nodded my head as he continued, “She’s performing here tonight. I really wish I didn’t have a show so I could take you.”

That would have been amazing. Like, the kind of amazing that makes you feel like if you died tomorrow, it would be ok. 

“It’s ok. I’m really just speechless being here, especially having the whole place to ourselves, it’s amazing.”

“Yeah. Well, I’m sorry I can’t take you to the show, but, I can take you to the soundcheck.”

I looked at him baffled, and he just smiled and nodded towards the stage. As if on cue, Martha Argerich walked to the piano. She gently pulled the bench out and began playing. 

OK, now I really can’t breathe. 

I could feel Justin’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t turn my attention away from the stage. As she paused between songs, I finally turned to him, “Thank you so much. This is magical.”

Justin didn’t say anything, he just smiled and kissed me gently. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to take it all in. I’ve never felt this happy and content in my life. 

When she finished playing I turned to Justin, “Just so we’re clear, I’m madly in love with you, too.”

The smile on his face couldn’t have been bigger if I told him he won a billion dollars, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I giggled, surprised at his reaction, “Why do you look so surprised?”

“Oh, I don’t know Mac, maybe because last time I saw you, you tried to break up with me? Or because when I told you I loved you, you just did the classic kiss and pull your shirt off.”

“I did not!”

“You did!” he chuckled, “The international sign for thanks for saying you love me but I’m definitely not feeling it. Let me distract you so I don’t have to say anything.”

“I thought you knew.”

He shrugged and smiled, “I didn’t.”

“Well, now you do.”

He nodded his head as he stood up and grabbed onto my hand, “Now I do.”

I followed him outside and once again he threw his arm out and hailed a cab. 

“7th and West 45th, please,” Justin spoke to the cab driver before turning to me, “One more stop.”

When the cab stopped a block from Times Square I looked at Justin. He smiled and helped me out of the car. 

“There’s so many people here.”

“Yeah. We’re at Times Square,” he chuckled and wrapped his arm around my waist. 

“It kinda makes me nervous being here with you. I mean, you’re kind of a big deal.”

Justin smiled, “As excited as I am that you seem to finally get the fact that I am, in fact, a big deal, I don’t want you to be nervous. Everything will be fine. Big crowds are good, easy to blend in.”

Also easy to get mobbed. It amazes me how nervous he gets walking on my campus when no one is around, and how calm he is now, in the middle of New York City. 

“We’re just going to grab a cheesecake to go,” he smiled as he moved his arm from my waist and grabbed my hand, leading me into a side take-out entrance to Junior’s Restaurant, “It’s the best cheesecake in the world, I promise you that. What kind should we get?”

I stood in front of the glass case in amazement. I love cheesecake but this looks like an art exhibit of pure perfection. 

“Mac?” Justin said softly as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me into him, “You alright over there?”

“Yeah,” I answered, still unable to look away from the case. 

“What kind should we get?”

“Strawberry,” I said looking at the huge cheesecake with whole, fresh strawberries in awe, “Always strawberry.”

I must have phased out for a second, because next thing I knew Justin was pulling me out of the restaurant with an orange and white striped box in his hand. 

“You are absolutely ridiculous,” Justin chuckled once he finally got me outside. He kissed me gently and grabbed my hand, leading me through the crowd and hailing another cab. 

I shrugged with a smile, “I love cheesecake.”

“You don’t say!” 

When the cab stopped in front of Madison Square Garden Justin grabbed my hand and quickly led me through the crowd and into an entrance where a venue security guard checked our passes and let us inside.

As soon as we got inside Justin quickly took off his hat and hid the cheesecake behind him as one of his security guards turned down the hall. “Where were you J? They’ve been looking for you.”

“I was here. Around,” Justin answered with a smile. 

“Soundcheck in a half an hour!” the security guard shouted as he continued on his way. 

“That’s Kev,” Justin grabbed my hand and led me down the hall before continuing sarcastically “He’s really polite and has incredible manners. Sorry he didn't even acknowledge your presence.”

“It’s ok,” I answered honestly. I wouldn’t have even noticed if Justin hadn’t pointed it out. I know people aren’t really happy I’m here. It definitely bothers Justin, but I’m not here to worry about that. I’m here to see Justin, and that’s all that matters to me.

March 17, 2014

The sky was painted with clouds as I nervously made my way to the Hungry Fox Diner to meet Justin. This was always our secret meet up location, the small greasy spoon in the middle of nowhere. No one ever gave Justin a second look when we ate here, the locals were too busy chatting with their new friends to even notice our presence. It was exactly what we needed. 

It wasn’t until this morning that I realized how nervous I actually am. We’ve kept in touch and talked over the phone plenty of times, but this is the first time we’ve been face to face in at least five years. 

I pulled into the almost empty parking lot and fixed my hair in the rare view mirror before taking a deep breath and making my way inside. I looked around the diner, it hasn’t changed much since the last time we were here, much like it hasn’t changed much since the ‘70s.  When I spotted the back of Justin’s head, wearing his signature baseball cap, I slowly made my way over to out usual booth. 

“Hey,” I spoke softly as I stood in front of the booth, “Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey you,” Justin smiled brightly and stood up, pulling me into a tight hug. 

There are no words to describe how good it fells to be in his arms again. We’ve had our moments, and even though he may not have physically been here, he’s always been just a phone call away. Whenever I’m with him, I always feel like I can take on the world. It’s so good to be with him again, I have no doubt we’ll be able to figure out whats best for Chris. 

“God, it’s so good to see you,” Justin spoke sincerely as we pulled apart and sat down on opposite sides of the booth. 

“It’s good to see you too. So weird.”

“I know, right? You look good, exactly the same actually. For fucks sake, Mac, don’t you age?”

“Oh, I’ve definitely aged,” I laughed, “You look older. You’ve aged a lot.”

“Thanks,” he answered sarcastically, “That’s really the first thing you’re going to say to me?”

I giggled, “You didn’t let me finish! You’ve aged well. Men age well. You look good.”

Justin’s gaze fell to his hands, “Well thanks, Mac.” He smiled before looking up at me, “Are you saying I’m more attractive now than I was when I was twenty?”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” I answered honestly. 

He blushed a little, surprised by my answer, “You also called me a man. I’m not sure what’s happening here.”

“We all have to grow up sometime.”

“That we do,” he nodded his head as the waitress placed two root beer floats in front of us. “Perfect timing,” he chuckled. 

“Amazing timing,” I laughed as I reached for the float, our usual beverage of choice at The Hungry Fox.  “I don’t even care. Adults drink root beer floats all the time. I haven’t had one of these in awhile.”

Justin smiled and leaned closer to me before speaking softly, “Are you telling me you’re not raising our son to appreciate root beer floats?”

“He’s actually not that big of a fan of root beer. Can you believe it?”

“No, I can’t believe it. How is that even possible?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I did put it in his bottle when he was a baby, as you do.”

“Absolutely, doctor recommended.”

“He would just rather have Mountain Dew, then bounce off the walls. There’s so much sugar in that stuff.”

He nodded and fixed the hat on his head. 

“I’m so glad Michael from Kentucky could join us today.”

He chuckled, “You thought it was bad before.”

“I know, you’ve gone out and become a full blown superstar.”

Justin threw his head down shyly, but I continued, “I’m really proud of you, you know. I mean you really made something of yourself.”

He laughed nervously, “Thanks Mac, I mean it’s not like I had any other options. I couldn’t mess my career up, I mean then everything would have been for nothing.” 

It’s hard to sit across from him, after all these years, thinking about what would have happened if things didn’t happen the way they did. I’ve thought about it thousands of times before, Justin and I have discussed it hundreds of times, but every time we’re sitting across from each other I can’t help but wonder. 

“Anyway, you’re pretty impressive yourself. Neonatal nurse, finishing school with a newborn, raising Chris on your own.”

“Eh, I had a lot of help. His father is kinda loaded,” I answered with a smile.

Justin chuckled, “Sure he is.” 

We sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds before Justin continued,  “So, how’s everything going? I saw your father awhile ago, he was working with my video costar.”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“Took me out for lunch, you know. Good guy. Still wouldn’t let me pay though.”

I laughed, “Sounds about right.”

“Yeah. He showed me some pictures of Chris and filled me in on everything. It makes me feel a lot better about everything knowing that he’s looking after him. I don’t mean to say you’re not, it’s just, ya’know,” he paused to gather his thoughts, “You know, my grandfather was always a big influence on me, especially with all that guy stuff.”

I nodded my head and reached over to grab his hands to comfort him,“I know.”

“But anyway,” he smiled, “Let’s uh… move on. Still playing piano?”

“Yeah, not that much but I’m still playing.”

“Good. Is Chris playing?”

“No, not really. I tried to teach him but he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He plays around with it sometimes, I mean he’s got that natural talent, but he’s not interested right now.”

“I’m sure he will be.”

The waitress came and took our orders and we continued with the small talk. Justin asked about Kelly and my parents, I asked about his cousin Rachel and his friends. We shared just about every piece of small talk we could think of. 

When the waitress brought our burgers Justin finally changed the subject, “Alright, enough of that. Tell me about my son.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I heard Justin refer to Chris as his son. His son. It’s been awhile since I’ve heard Justin refer to Chris as his son. “He’s great, really. He’s growing up, like he wakes up every day and acts more like an adult, then he has these moments where he’s still a little boy, but he’s so mature. It freaks me out a little bit.”

Justin smiled, “That’s so cool.”

“He’s growing so fast, seriously I can’t get over how fast. We went for his checkup the other day and the doctor said he’s in the 90th percentile. He’s going to be like 6’5.”

“WHAT?!?” he chuckled, “He’s still playing basketball then?”

“Yeah, he’s the tallest on his team. He’s like 5’6, at least 5 inches taller than the rest of his team.”

“That’s insane. What’s he doing for fun?”

“He got a guitar for Christmas. He’s a natural, he just picked it up and started playing. I’m going to get him lessons once the basketball season is over. He really likes it.”

“God, that’s so fucking cool,” Justin said with a huge smile covering his face. 

“Yeah, I knew you’d like that. Chris and Landon, his best friend, want to start a band. Landon got a bass for Christmas, so they just need to find a drummer. Landon’s adorable, you’d really like him. They’ve been inseparable since the first day of Kindergarten. He plays basketball too, and they have like everything in common. Landon’s Chris’s Trace. His Kelly.”

Justin nodded his head, “That’s awesome he has a friend like that. It’s weird, you know, most people aren’t lucky enough to have close friends like that, but we do. So of course he does.”

“It’s important for us only children.”

“What else can you tell me? How’s he doing in school?”

“He’s doing really well, actually. He had some problems with his science class at the beginning of the year, but he’s been going in after school and asking for help so he really brought his grades up. I’m kind of making him sound like an angel. I should stop gushing. He’s got plenty of bad qualities, too.”

“Well, let’s hear them!” Justin said with a chuckle.

“He has really poor hygiene.  Like if I didn’t remind him to shower every day I highly doubt he would. His hair is absolutely out of control, but it’s so cute I can’t make him cut it. He’s really funny though, and he’s smart and he’s quick. He’s fairly well behaved, I mean he doesn’t talk back too much.”

“That’s always good,” he chuckled.

“Oh, I have a video. I made a video of him last night so you can see him. It was kind of weird and creepy, but I thought you’d want to see it.” I pulled my phone out and moved over to his side of the booth. “He was just being silly and telling me about what happened at laser tag. We brought some of his friends there Saturday for his birthday.”

I held my phone out and Justin watched the video intently. Chris was bouncing around the room, explaining the way he beat all his friends playing laser tag. I asked him if he was sure they didn’t just let him win because it was his birthday and he gave me the most amazing look of shock I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t stop laughing. 

When the video stopped Justin reached for my phone to replay it. A smile covered his face and he grabbed my phone again and sent the video to himself. When he handed me back my phone and he wiped his eyes. 

“God, he’s so big. You should send me videos, why don’t you ever send me videos?”

“OK, I’ll send you videos.”

“Do you have any more?”

We sat for awhile, going through all the videos I had of Chris on my phone. I really don’t take videos much, but I guess I should start. 

“This is amazing Mac, thanks so much.”

I shrugged and moved back to my side of the booth, “He’s a lot like you, isn’t he?”

Justin nodded his head and closed his eyes. This has always been hard for him. I was a little apprehensive about sending Justin videos of Chris because I thought it would be too much. I never know how he’ll react.

“But anyway…”

“Yeah, anyway,” he took a sip of his soda and cleared his throat, “Let’s come up with a plan, huh? That’s what we’re here for. Tell me what happened.”

“OK, yeah. He got your card and just kind of looked at the envelope before opening it. Then he started asking questions.”

“Like what?”

I took a deep breath, trying to figure out what I should sugarcoat and what I should tell him. I’ve always felt the need to protect Justin, probably because I saw him at his lowest points and that really scared me. I’m always afraid something I tell him about Chris will bring him back to that point. “Just… you know, he wanted to know about you. What you do, how we met…”

“Why I’m not around?”

I shrugged, not willing to answer that one, “I told him some things, obviously I didn’t go into detail. I guess I’m not sure how to give him reasons without going into the, ya know, technical reasons. He’s looking for specific answers, he’s not happy with the general ones.”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot. For a while, I mean for thirteen years really, but—. I just want to— how would you feel if—“he paused and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, “I want to be part of his life, Mac. I want to know him. I want him to know me. I want take him golfing, does he know how to golf?”

“No,” I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Then I’ll teach him, I want to teach him. I want to take him camping and fishing.”

My eyes watered as he mentioned camping, “Chris just told me he wanted to go camping.”

“I’ll take him! I want to take him.”

My heart stopped, that is literally the last thing I thought he would say. We’ve been through this plenty of times and it’s always so hard, but we always come to the same conclusion. It’s not possible.  I took a deep breath to bring myself back to reality, “But Justin, it’s not—“

“I am at a point in my career that I have more control than I’ve ever had before. I don’t really give a fuck about—” he paused to bite his bottom lip, “It’s up to you, of course. It’s up to Chris. If he doesn’t want this I’ll wait until he does. I just— it’s been long enough, Mac. I’m so sick of having this hole in my life and if he’s asking about me I think it’s time. ”

“Justin, believe me there is nothing I want more than for Chris to know his father, but we—“

“None of that shit matters anymore.”

I leaned back in the booth, trying to catch my breath.

“What do you say?” Justin offered a smile. 

“I just can’t even begin to… Justin, are you serious?”

“I’m very serious.”

“OK,” I took a deep breath and tried to stop my heart from beating like a drum, “I’ll talk it over with Chris. I don’t know if he’ll be ready right now,  this might be too much to thrown at him at once.”

“I’ll be here whenever he decides he wants to see me.”

I felt a smile come to my face, “Is this really happening?”

“It’s really happening, Mac,” he couldn’t wipe his own smile off his face if he tried.

“I just want to make it clear that if this is happening it means it’s one hundred percent happening. Like, from now until forever. You can’t join his life and then disappear for any reason. I can’t put him through that. Chris is my first priority.”

“I know Mac, he’s my first priority, too.”

“I know.” I can’t believe this is happening.

My phone rang, displaying the name Chris across the screen. Justin pushed it across the table to me and I answered softly, “Hey buddy, what’s up?”

“Where are you? I thought you were off today.”

“I am I’m just out running some errands,” I looked over at Justin, watching me intently, “What’s going on?”

“Can I go for a bike ride with Landon? Please? We won’t be long, just an hour tops.”

“Did you do your homework?” he didn’t respond, “Chris, you need to do your homework.”

“I don’t have any. OK, fine I have some but it’s easy. It won’t take me long, I swear.”

I laughed at his inability to lie to me, I love that about him, “Alright look, I’m going to be home in about a half an hour so you need to be home by then. Sitting at the kitchen table doing your homework. Got it?”

“Yup. Got it.”

“OK, I’ll see you soon. I love you.  Be careful. Wear your helmet!”

“I always wear my helmet! BYE!”

I placed the phone on the table and smiled at Justin, who was still watching me carefully, “Bike ride.”

He nodded his head, “You gotta get going?”

“Yeah,” I answered softly, not ready to go quite yet.

Justin nodded his head and we both sat there for a few seconds. He smiled and stood up, “Let’s go, I’ll walk you out. Come to my car, I have something for you.”

“Are you going to be here for awhile?”

“In LA? Yeah. I’m done with the tour. Actually, my contract is up at my label so I’m taking a break.” he held the door open for me and grabbed my arm, “This way.”

“This way,” I repeated as he led me to his car, “You’re taking a break?” I asked out of disbelief. It’s hard to picture Justin not working, he gets antsy after a few weeks off.  

He nodded his head, “Yeah, trying to figure out what I want to do next. I got you a present.”

“Oooh a present!”

He chuckled as reached into the front seat and opened a cooler.

I squealed as he handed me the orange and white stripped box I’d recognize anywhere, “Are you serious?”

“Completely serious,” he chuckled, “I knew you’d be excited, but this is an even better reaction than I expected.”

“Of course, are you kidding?” I couldn’t help myself from opening the box to find the beautiful, strawberry cheesecake, “Justin!”

“It’s just a cheesecake,” he answered calmly.

“Justin! You don’t understand. I haven’t had this cheesecake since I was in New York with you, like fourteen years ago,  and I dream about it. I literally have dreams about it.”

“That’s kind of sad, Mac.”

“It is sad!” I laughed as I closed the box, “It’s the best cheesecake in the world and it’s on the other side of the country,” I pouted.

“Well now it’s right here,” Justin smiled, “Does Chris like cheesecake?”

“Are you kidding? He loves it. You’re going to change his life with this one though.”

“Good,” he chuckled.

I tried to calm myself down, “Thanks Justin, it’s really sweet of you to remember my Junior’s obsession.”

“How could I forget that?” he smiled again and pulled me into a hug, “Good to see you, kid. Call me once you and Chris decide. I’ll be here waiting patiently.”

“Maybe go home? Don’t wait right here,” I smiled as we pulled apart.

“Good idea Mac, I’ll do that,” he answered sarcastically, “See you soon?”

“See you soon.”

“Alright,” he placed his hands on my shoulders and nodded his head once, “Bye Mackenzie. Enjoy your cheesecake.”

July 2000

The rain pounding on the roof of my studio made everything worse, as if that were even possible. I couldn’t think of one good thing in life at that moment. Everything was ending, my life was over, and the fact that I had run across campus in the pouring rain to get home was just the tip of the iceberg. 

The sink was lined with pregnancy tests and I was sitting on the cold tile floor of my bathroom hugging my legs. Kelly sat on the edge of the tub, trying desperate to put those two semesters of psychology classes to good use. 

She looked down at me, searching for the words to say, “I think you need to remember that everything happens for a reason. It’s going to be ok, whatever happens.”

I couldn't even look at her, she’s so full of shit. There is a very strong possibility everything is not going to be ok. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to think of one thing that is even slightly ok.

The timer went off and Kelly moved to get up, but sat back down when she noticed I wasn’t moving. I took a deep breath, “Can you just look?”

“I think you should look,” she answered softly. 

“I can’t move,” I answered, throwing my head back to my knees, “Just tell me.”

~~~~~

A few days later, I nervously waited by my computer for my weekly Skype date with Justin. We hadn’t talked in a while which was out of the ordinary for us, but I managed to avoid his calls for the past few days. I was really really good at avoiding things, but this one thing I was trying to avoid was probably the one thing in the world even I couldn’t avoid. I am pregnant. It’s happening. 

My computer beeped and I took a deep breath to calm myself before clicking the accept button. Justin’s blurry face quickly covered the screen and for a second I forgot about about all my problems.

“Well hey,” he smiled, “I’ve been calling you. I was getting worried.”

“Sorry, it’s been a hectic week. How are you? How’s everything?” I forced a smile as I was brought back to reality and tried my hardest to act even the slightest bit normal. 

“Good. Everything’s good. God, I miss you like crazy.”

“I miss you, too.”

He smiled, “It’s so cool to see you. Technology is awesome, huh? You’re so beautiful. And smart and shit, but fucking gorgeous.”

I laughed, “You’re in a good mood tonight.”

“Of course I am, I get to see you!”

I couldn’t speak in response, so I smiled shyly and tried to calm myself down as Justin told me all about how wonderful his life was. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to just tell him I’m pregnant and ruin his life completely? How can I even tell him over the computer? I have to. What’s my other option? Waiting until I see him in three months? I’ll be half a beach ball by then!

“What’s wrong?” I’m not sure how long he was talking before he realized how phased out I was. 

“Nothing. I just…” I paused as his face froze on the screen, “Are you there?” Nothing. “Hello? Can you hear me?” I took a deep breath and quickly shut my laptop. Why is nothing working? Not one fucking thing in my life right now is working. 

I tried to calm myself down when I realized the tears falling from my eyes. After taking a deep breath I opened my laptop again and tried to redial him.  The more I redialed the more I was reminded of my mood and more importantly the more I freaked out remembering what I needed to tell him. 

I didn’t even try to hold it in any more. I closed my laptop again and fell on my bed, burying my head in a pillow. These past few days have been the worst of my life, I don’t know how to handle any of it. It’s like I’m trapped in a nightmare.  I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I’m nineteen years old! I have my whole life ahead of me! How could I be so stupid?

My cell phone rang and I wiped my eyes quickly, as if he could see me crying through the phone. “I guess that’s not working,” Justin chuckled as I answered. 

“Of course it’s not working, it never works when we need it to work. I mean, it’s fucking 2000 and we have all this technology that’s supposed to be groundbreaking and I can’t even talk to my boyfriend on the other side of the country.”

I kind of bursted there, and Justin wasn’t sure how to react. I haven’t really exploded like that with him before.  After a few seconds of silence he spoke softly, “Yeah I know, it sucks but—“

“I’m just so sick of it. It’s like, we can just keep pretending that we have this weekly thing that we can see each other and talk and like see reactions but every week it fucks up and we’re stuck on the stupid phone again.” Justin was once again silent, and I took a deep breath to try to get it together, “I just want to see you,” I finished softly. 

“When are your finals?”

Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even listen to me. “They start Monday.”

“You’re stressed and everything sucks right now, but it’s going to be ok. We’re almost at the half way point.”

“The half way point? In six months I’ll be—” I stopped before I slipped. In six months I’ll be practically giving birth. 

“I know,” he answered too calmly. He doesn’t know, he has no idea how different his life will be in six months.  “When is your last final?”

“Friday.”

“Alright. We’ll be in Austin Saturday. Let me fly you out for a couple days. Things will be hectic, our schedule is pretty chock full, but it’ll be worth it. I need to see you.”

I swear it stopped raining. The thought of being able to see Justin, in person, made the sun shine through the clouds. “I’ve never been to Austin before,” I answered softly. 

“Then it’s settled,” he chuckled, “Good. Now I have something to look forward to. I can’t wait to see you. It’s been like, a month and a half, huh? That’s too long.”

~~~~~

That Saturday morning I landed in Austin, Texas. I couldn’t wait to see Justin but also absolutely terrified because I knew about the conversation we had to have at some point over the weekend.

As I walked through the airport I found Justin’s security guard Kev, wearing a pair of sunglasses and holding a piece of paper with my name on it. 

“Hi,” I smiled as I made my way over to him. 

He looked at me as if he had never seen me before, then looked down at the paper in his hand, “Mackenzie?”

“Yeah, hi.”

Kev nodded his head and walked towards the exit. I followed, not exactly sure what else to do. The people on this tour are so strange, or at least they are to me. Maybe it’s just me. In fact, it probably is just me.

It didn’t matter, as soon as we walked out of the airport I saw Justin leaning against a black SUV wearing sunglasses, a baseball cap, and a sexy smile. 

I ran over to him and he lifted me into the air, “Hey you. It’s so good to see you.”

“Oh my god, it’s Michael. From Kentucky.”

Justin threw his head down and laughed, “in the flesh.”

“I missed you so much!”

“You’re here now!” he kissed me gently, “I missed you too, obviously.”

“Alright you two, let’s go,” Kev said as he tossed my suitcase in the trunk and opened the back door for us, “What part of don’t get out of the car don’t you understand, J?”

“The don’t part. I’m not good with that,” he smiled. 

“Don’t I know it,” Kev answered under his breath. 

“How was your flight? Everything ok?”

“Yeah, good. Good. I’m so excited to see you!” I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Me too,” he leaned down to kiss the top of my head.

I felt all my problems melt away just by sitting next to Justin. I forgot about all the other stuff, like the big thing I needed to tell him, and figured I could just put that off and enjoy his company first. I’ll worry about that later.

“Are you listening?” Kev turned around from the front seat and stared me down. I nervously sat up, finally coming back down to earth. 

“Yeah man, we’re listening. Relax,” Justin answered calmly. 

“Alright, we’re going to pull up to the hotel, and J you’re going to get out with me. The girl is going to stay in the car with Frank. He’ll drive her around and then come back and let her off at the other side of the hotel.”

“What?” Justin asked out of disbelief, “Why? That doesn’t make sense?”

“It makes sense Justin. I’m doing what I’m told to do. You come with me and the girl will stay in the car.”

“Her name is Mac,” Justin got more upset the more Kev spoke  “Why are you saying the girl? She’s right here.” 

Kev took a noticeable breath before continuing slowly, “Mac will stay in the car with Frank. There are a bunch of kids outside the hotel, as you know. So you will come in with me and the girl—Mac, will come in after we are inside.”

I looked up at Justin, finally understanding what was being said. They don’t want the kids outside to see me going into the hotel with Justin. They don’t want his image as this big heartthrob ruined because I’m here. 

“No,” Justin said as he turned to me, “I’m not making her walk in by herself, that’s stupid.”

Kev let out a sigh, his patience quickly fading, “Justin, don’t make this a big deal. We’re doing what Johnny told us to do. That’s it. The end. Just go in the hotel first.”

Now it was Justin’s turn to let out a sigh. His patience has been gone for awhile ago. “No, call Johnny and tell him we’re walking in together if it’s that big of a deal. We can walk through a fucking hallway. I won’t hold her hand for gods sake.”

Kev rolled his eyes, not even trying to hide it from us, and made a phone call. Justin wrapped his arm around me and tried to relax but he was far too gone by that point. 

“I’ll walk into the hotel with Frank, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal,” he answered, tapping his fingers nervously on his knee, “you can walk into a building with me.”

“Of course I can. But maybe we should just like… pick our battles. You’re kind of a big deal, ya’know?” I smiled. 

Justin took a deep breath before giving me a slight smile, “I love you, you know that, right?”

“Oh, I know.”

He chuckled and pulled my hand to his lips, “Alright, fine. I’ll go in first, but carry her damn bag Frank.”

~~~~~

On my last morning in Austin, I sat at the foot of the bed as Justin threw the last of his clothes into his suitcase. I can’t believe I’ve avoided telling him what I need to tell him this whole trip.  I’m leaving for the airport in a few minutes and I’ve managed to stay away from the conversation the whole trip. 

“Are you ready?” 

I nodded my head, unable to look away from the floor. I knew I had to tell him, but the words just weren’t coming out. 

“Cheer up,” he sat down next to me and kissed my forehead, “Just a couple more months. I have two weeks off in November and we’ll be in Vegas in January so you can come down for the weekend. We’ll be heading back to the west coast soon and you can easily make a trip out for the weekend or if you have a day off class. And I can fly home even if it’s only for a day.”

I smiled, not sure how I got so lucky with him, and now I’m about to ruin his whole life. I grabbed onto his hand, “We need to talk, Justin.”

“No.” he answered quickly, “No. You do this every time Mac, not again. I’ll be home in six weeks. Your classes will be almost over by then and —“

“Justin, stop. I’m not—“ I took a deep breath and forced myself to look at him. I felt my heart beating in my throat and sweat pouring from my forehead. The longer I waited the worse I felt, “I’m not breaking up with you. It’s just that I… I don’t know how to do this. God, I don’t know how to do this,  so I’m just going to… I just, um, I think I’m…Justin, I’m pregnant.”

His first reaction was excitement. For a brief moment, I swear a big smile took over his face as if this was actually good news. 

But then, as quickly as the smile appeared it disappeared. He wiped his palms on his jeans, nervously cleared his throat, and rubbed his temples. He looked at me, then turned away and started pacing around the room.

He cleared his throat again, after a few attempts of speaking before he managed to get something out “What do you— how do you—?”

I threw my hands up, as tears fell down my face, “I don’t…”

“When?”

“New York, I guess.”

“Are you…” 

A banging on the door interrupted Justin as he spoke, “Let’s go, time to go!” someone yelled through the door. 

Justin swallowed hard,  staring into space, “Give me a minute!” he called out. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and continued pacing around the room, “how do you— I mean, you’re sure?” I nodded my head, “How sure?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Only pretty sure, I mean there’s a chance…”

“Positive. I’m positive, I went to the doctor.”

He sat back down on the bed and threw his head back, “Oh fuck.”

More banging, “Justin. Now, let’s go!”

“Give me a fucking minute!!!” Justin yelled louder than I’ve ever heard him yell.  He took a deep breath to calm himself before speaking to me softly, “Why are you telling me this right now? You’ve been here all weekend and you don’t say anything and now you’re getting on a plane in an hour and I’m getting on a bus in a minute and you think that’s ok?”

I felt my heart breaking all over again, “I know, I’m sorry I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Fuck Mac,” he stood up, pacing around the room again as the banging at the door continued, “You can’t go, we need to talk about this. I’m not, we’re not just going to— You need to come with me on the bus.”

“I can’t miss my flight.”

“You’re going to have to miss your flight. We’ve got a three hour bus ride, you can leave from Dallas tomorrow.”

“I have class, I can’t—”

“Look at me,” he answered strongly, putting his face right in front of mine, “You are not telling me you’re pregnant and leaving. You are coming with me on that bus and we’ll get you a flight from Dallas. You can miss the first day of class, nobody does shit on the first day anyway.” He wiped the tears from my eyes before shouting to the banging, “I’m coming, chill!”

As much as I wanted to get on that plane and run away from it all I knew I had to go with him that bus. And to be honest, I’ve never seen him act like that before before. “What do you want me to do?” I asked softly as I stood up and grabbed a tissue, trying to fix my tear stained face in the mirror. 

“Just, I don’t know, just come with me. Don’t worry, ok? We’re going to figure it out.” he stood behind me and wrapped his arms around me, holding onto me tightly.

I nodded my head and put my backpack on. Justin grabbed my suitcase and his own and I followed closely as he walked out of the room. 

“About time dude, the busses are outside waiting,” a different bodyguard said as he grabbed one of the suitcases and turned to me, “Can we get you a cab, sweetie?”

“She’s coming on the bus, she’ll leave from Dallas.” Justin answered confidently.

“I don’t think that’s going to fly, man.”

Justin just shrugged as a response. For their sake, I hope they don’t try to tell him I can’t come. I don’t know what he’ll do. As we stepped out of the elevator, Justin’s manager stood by the door. I waited as Justin told me to, and he went to talk to them before calling me over and grabbing onto my hand. 

“It’s just that there’s kids out there, tons of them,” Justin’s manager said as he looked out the window, “So Mac, sweetie, why don’t you head out the back exit? Frank will go with you, head up North Street here and we’ll stop the bus in a couple blocks and you can jump on there.”

Sometimes, when it’s just Justin and I, I think I’m in a normal relationship. But when we’re forced to interact with other people, especially managers, it’s like I’m dating an alien. God forbid his fans known he has a girlfriend. What’s going to happen when they find out I’m pregnant with his child?

“No,” Justin answered simply and wrapped his arm around my waist, “For fucks sake,” he said as he quickly walked with me outside, past the screaming fans, and onto the bus.   

March 22, 2014

I can’t even think straight. I put my tights on backwards three times before I could even put them on the right way. I was up all night tossing and turning and honestly, I haven’t felt this way since I had to tell my parents I was pregnant. 

It’s already five o’clock. The roast is in the oven. Justin will be here in an hour and my son hasn’t left his room all day. My hair won't straighten and I really, seriously, can’t breathe correctly. I’m supposed to be the strong one here. I have the advantage of knowing both of them, I’m the connecting link. Chris is holding it all in and I can’t even make him feel better because I’ll probably break down as soon as I see him. 

I wish I could call the whole thing off. Maybe Chris isn’t ready to meet his father, maybe Justin changed his mind. I’ve waited so long for this day to come and now that it’s actually here I’m beginning to think it’s all a huge mistake. The fact that these thoughts have even crossed my mind make so angry. It’s been long enough, my poor son deserves to know his father. 

I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom and took a deep breath, looking at myself in the reflection. This is good. I’ve been waiting for this day for thirteen years. It’s going to be fine. Chris will love Justin. Justin will love Chris. Of course they’ll love each other.

My phone beeped from a text message, and I jumped in the air, brushing mascara across my face. 

The text was from Justin: How’s it going?

I answered simply: Mascara face

I placed the phone back down on the sink and took a Q-Tip out to wipe the mascara away. My phone beeped again, causing me to poke myself in the eye said Q-Tip. Just another day in the life of Mackenzie Cole. It’s a wonder I’ve survived this long.

Is that a condition similar to guacamole eye? You need anything?

I chuckled as I answered: We’re good

I tossed my phone on the bed and finished my makeup. The more I think about everything the more I want to run away. It’d be great if we could just skip the awkward meeting and get to the whole Chris knowing his father thing. 

As soon as I finished my makeup I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I quickly picked up my phone and called Kelly. 

“Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?” She’s always so calm and so chill, it’s kind of annoying.

“I’m freaking out but that’s not even the point. Like obviously I’m freaking out.”

“Calm down, talk to me.”

“I just had this thought that I should have told Chris more. I mean, he’s going to walk in the room and there’s Justin Timberlake. Do you think I should have warned him about that? I mean, do you think I should? I still could. He’s not here yet. Oh my god, what am I supposed to do? I don’t want Chris to feel ambushed with all this. But I don’t want to be stupid and act like he even knows who he is.” I paused to take a deep breath, “Kelly?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Breathe Mac, Jesus. No, I don’t think you should tell him.”

“OK, but why? I trust you and everything I just don’t know what to do and I keep going back and forth and—“

“I think that you might make it a bigger deal than it is if you tell him,” she answered calmly, “Chris is young, he doesn’t know much about Justin, does he? I mean I’ve never heard him say anything about him. He doesn’t listen to his music, does he?”

“No, well I don’t know. He has iTunes, I don’t know what he listens to on there. No,” I took a deep breath, “Obviously he doesn’t listen to him, he likes Fall Out Boy and Imagine Dragons and that band with the guy from that show.”

“So he probably won’t know much. It’s going to be fine. Please Mac, try to calm down.”

“I think you should come over and you can, like, be our family therapist.”

She laughed, “That’s a great idea. I would love to do that. Why don’t you get through tonight and then we’ll talk about it the next time? You’re ready for this.”

I let out a deep breath, “Yeah, I’m ready for this.”

“Just let them talk. Understand how difficult this is for Chris, so he’ll probably be very quiet and just take it all in. That’s ok. He’s not going to run into Justin’s arm and be his best friend. So you just need to let him know that you’re on his side and you only have to get through tonight then you’ll talk about if he even wants to see Justin again.”

I nodded my head, the benefits of having a best friend that’s a therapist are immeasurable. We’ve gone through this countless times but she’s always there to give me a last minute pep talk when I need it. 

“You’re going to be fine, Mac.”

“Thanks Kelly.”

“Call me if you need me. Let me know how it goes. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“OK, bye. Thank you, life saver! I love you!”

I took a deep breath and put my phone in the back pocket of my jean skirt. The music was blasting in Chris’s room so I got no reaction when I tapped on the door. It’s also worth noting that the music playing is definitely not Justin’s. I opened the door to find Chris laying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling as he tossed a hackie sack in the air. I turned the music off and he turned his head to me, then back at the ceiling and continued playing catch with himself. 

“Hey.”

He turned back to me and chuckled, “Hey Ma.”

“How are you doing?”

“What do you mean? I’m fine.”

I pushed him over so I could lay down net to him, “Are you sure? Because I can cancel, and we can run away if you want.”

He turned his head to look at me and gave me a sweet smile, “Where we going?”

“Disneyland probably,”

“Yeah, probably,” he chuckled, “You’re so predictable.”

“Thanks, my sweet son.”

Chris went back to tossing the hackie sack in the air but I managed to catch it before he could. “So…” I began nervously, “This is probably going to be weird, huh? That’s normal. I mean, it’s ok to feel a little nervous about everything.”

“I’m not nervous.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “excited?”

“I’m definitely not excited.”

I coughed back a chuckle, “Chris, you just need to remember that things were very complicated. We were young and Justin really didn’t want things to end up the way they did. He really wanted to spend time with you, he wanted to be there for you, but it wasn’t possible. He’s really cool. I know you’re going to love him but it might take some time. It’s completely normal for you to feel a little upset with him at first. You’re going to be able to talk to him, and ask him anything you want, to ask me anything you want, too. I just want you to give him a chance. He is your father.”

I paused for a response but didn’t get one, so I continued, “I just want you to get to know him. I think that’s really important.”

He looked over at me and chuckled, “That just turned into an after school special. It’s fine Ma, I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will.”

“And so will you,” he assured me. 

I nodded my head, feeling myself getting choked up. I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get through this night. I’m realizing I’m much more nervous than Chris is. “So, do you have any questions before he comes?”

Chris shrugged, then spoke up softly, “What should I call him?”

I smiled at the simplicity of his question, something I can definitely handle, “You can call him whatever you want. Well, not whatever you want,” I laughed, seeing that mischievous look in his eye, “Justin or J. Some people call him JT, I never liked that too much. Maybe someday you’ll want to call him Dad but you definitely don’t have to do that tonight.”

Chris nodded his head.

“So, do you want to come downstairs now or should I call you when he gets here?”

“You can call me when dinner is ready.”

I grabbed his head in my hands and kissed his forehead, “Alright, you little brat. I love you.” Chris pushed me away, so I did what any mother would do, grab his head and kiss his forehead again, “Christopher. I said, I love you.”

“Alright. I love you. Stop.”

I laughed and kissed him one more time before heading to the door, “Maybe you could shower? Your hair is so greasy.” I turned to check his bathroom to make sure he has shampoo and soap, “Can you please shower? And wash your hair? Maybe put on a clean shirt?” I went to his closet and pulled out a plaid button down, “I like this one.”

“What? I have to dress up now? Come on Ma, I—“ he whined. 

“It’s a shirt. With buttons. I’m not asking you to wear a tux. Look, I’ll even unbutton the first few buttons for you so you can pull it over your head. It’s like a t-shirt now!”

Chris slowly stood up and grabbed the shirt from my hand and tossed it on his bed, “You’re lucky I’m like, the best kid ever.”

“Sure am,” I rolled my eyes as his bathroom door slammed shut.

An hour later I heard a soft knock on the front door and my heart immediately started beating in my throat. I took a few deep breaths as I walked to the door, there’s no going back now. I could see Justin through the window, his eyes on his shuffling feet and biting at his lower lip nervously. 

I opened the door slowly and he looked up at me with a smile, “Hey.”

“Hey, are you alright?”

He chuckled and ran his hands through his short brown hair. “Yeah, you ready for this?”

I nodded my head and moved to the side so he could come in, “I think so. Are you?”

“Well, I’m going to have to be,” he chuckled before pulling me into for a tight hug. 

It felt so nice to be in his arms that I almost forgot why I was nervous in the first place. I held on to his blue checkered button down shirt and giggled to myself when I realized how similar it was to the one I told Chris to wear. 

“It’s good to see you,” he said as he pulled away, “the house looks great. Is everything working ok? You’ve moved some things around since I’ve been here last.”

“Yeah, I moved the TV to the wall so I changed around the layout. I mean, and I moved some stuff around too and I—“

Justin seemed to enjoy watching me ramble nervously, he smiled instead of breaking in to save me. “Yeah? You what, Mac?”

“Oh shut up,” I laughed as I walked into the living room, “I’m so nervous.”

“I’m feeling a little better now that I’m here, actually. It’ll be ok. Is he doing ok?”

“Oh yeah, he’s upstairs. I’ll call him in a minute.”

Justin nodded his head and looked around the house, “Oh, right. I brought you some wine and some cookies.”

“Thank you, let’s break into that.” I grabbed the bottle and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a corkscrew.  

Justin followed me, looking around the house and taking it all in. “How’s the pool? Use it a lot?” he asked as he stood by the sliding glass door to the backyard, placing his hands in his pockets. 

“Yeah, it’s good.”

He chuckled and grabbed the glass of wine I handed to him, “I knew you needed a pool.”

I smiled as I remembered back when we were looking for a house. Justin wanted me to get a huge mansion. I didn’t see the point then and I definitely still feel like I made the right choice on that one. He did insist I get a house with a pool and a basketball hoop. 

“I’ll call him. Should I call him?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

I nodded my head and walked to the stairs, “Chris, hunny, come on downstairs.”

I walked back into the living room nervously, “Are you alright?” Justin asked

I nodded my head, “I’m just really worried about how this is going to go down.”

“Don’t be, it’ll be fine. I can always leave if he hates me,” he smiled. 

I nodded my head again, taking his joke too seriously. My heart was beating in my throat and I was quickly getting to the point I would pass out. I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous. I leaned against the arm rest of the couch, watching the stairway carefully. 

Justin stood nervously by the piano, both of us waiting in silence for Chris to come downstairs. “I’m going to go get him,” I whispered before slowly making my way upstairs. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before knocking as I opened his bedroom door, “Are you coming, sweetie?”

Chris stood up and stretched his arms over his head, similar to the way he would if he were getting ready to enter a battle, “Let’s go.”

“It’s ok, it’s really not that…”

“Ma, really, relax.”

As if that’s possible. 

“You look nice, thanks for showering,”He didn’t answer, just gave me a look. “Just remember to be polite, ok?”

I slowly made my way downstairs, Chris following closely behind me. He would never admit he was nervous, something he had in common with his father, but you could practically see how anxious the three of us were at that moment. Justin was still standing in the same spot, by the piano, and I stopped by the couch, grabbing on to Chris’s arm as he stood next to me. 

“So, Chris this is Justin you’re—”

“Are you fucking serious?” Chris broke in with a laugh as he first looked at Justin. His father. Justin Timberlake.

“Christopher, don’t talk like that,” I slapped his arm. 

“Hey man I’m,” Justin stepped towards us, “well I guess I’m fucking serious.”

“Really Justin?” I asked out of disbelief. It seems as if we’re all forgetting my son is thirteen fucking years old.

“I’m sorry,” Justin chuckled, “I had to. It’s so good to see you, Chris. God, you’re so tall and big and,  well you’re a man.” 

Chris moved into the kitchen as Justin tried to give him a hug, “Are we eating, or what?”

“Yeah sure, it’s ready.” I answered before looking back at Justin. He gave me a weak smile and placed his hand on the small of my back as we walked into the kitchen.  I guess it’s safe to say Chris knows who Justin Timberlake is. 

The boys sat across from each other in silence as I placed dinner on the table. I never thought these two, who have so much in common, would be so awkward around each other. Part of me really thought they’d just hit it off right away and everything would be easy. I have no idea why I was so naive. 

I sat down,  looking between the two of them, Justin looking at Chris, Chris looking at the food on his plate. For some reason, seeing Justin sitting there nervously made me calmer. I guess I felt like I had to step up and make this easier for everyone. 

I took a deep breath and smiled, “Chris is the captain of his school basketball team.  Chris, your father… Justin,” I corrected myself, “Justin used to be pretty good at basketball himself.”

“Yeah, used to, thanks for that Mac,” Justin chuckled, “That’s awesome Chris, what position do you play?”

“I don’t really like basketball,” Chris answered, keeping his gaze in his plate.

“OK well, we know that’s not true.” I answered. 

“Are you a Laker’s fan? We could go to a game sometime,” Justin tried. 

“Nope, Clippers.”

I laughed at his answer, “Since when?”

“Since always.”

“OK,” I answered softly before taking a sip of my water, “Chris is also the captain of his baseball team. He’s a pitcher, he’s very athletic.”

“That’s awesome, I’ve always been big on sports. I wanted to be a professional ball player when I was your age.”

Chris sighed loudly and continued eating his dinner. 

“Your mother said you got a guitar for Christmas. How’s that going?” Justin asked and didn’t get an answer, “Maybe I’ll bring mine over and we can jam some time. You can come by my place too, I’ve got a bunch of stuff we can play around with. We’ll get your mom on the keys and we can start a band, like the Partridge Family,” he said jokingly 

“We’re not a family,” Chris answered quickly. 

Justin stumbled over his words, “Yeah, I didn’t mean—“

“He just means that he has a lot of instruments and everything at his house,” I jumped in to save Justin, “so maybe we all can go over some time and play around with it all.”

“I’m not really into his type of music.”

Justin coughed back a laugh, “Fair enough.”

“Are you familiar with his music?” I asked, getting defensive. I’m stuck in this weird position where I feel the need to protect both of them. It’s sucks. 

“Yeah sure, everyone knows Suit and Tie.”

“You don’t like that one?” Justin asked with a smile, feeling more confident. He’s used to talking about his music, and can do that without even thinking about what’s really going on. Chris shook his head, “Oh come on man, everyone likes that one.”

“My favorite part is when you stop singing and Jay-Z comes in.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. So often I think Chris is so mature for his age and then a conversation like this one happens and I’m reminded he is still a little boy. 

“You know, when I first met your mother she didn’t like my music either. She was into the real music, ya’know? Well I’m sure you know. Like, Radiohead and Soundgarden. But after she gave me a chance, I was able to convert her. I think I can convert you too, if you give me a chance. Whatdoya say? Challenge accepted?”

“Challenge denied.” Chris answered without a thought. 

“Alright,” Justin nodded his head and turned his gaze back to the chicken in front of him. He’s losing his patience, he’s starting to get worried. He knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I’m sure he thought he’d be able to win Chris over. He’s always able to turn on the charm, flash those pearly whites, and win people over, but Chris isn’t falling for it.

Chris is happy to give him a hard time. I can’t say I blame him. He’s spent his whole life wondering about his father only to find out it’s this guy who also happens to be Justin Timberlake.

Chris stood up, and I grabbed onto his arm,“Where are you going?”

“I’m done.”

“Sit down. Chris. Come on, sit down,” I took a deep breath, “You need to show some manners, you never leave the table, why are you doing it today?”

“Because today I don’t want to stay at the table.”

“Sit down,” I repeated, to which I received a huff and an eye roll before he sat back down. 

“Chris, I know we kind of threw a lot at you all of a sudden and I know this isn’t easy for any of us, most of all you. I’m really sorry that it all happened this way. I know you must have a lot of questions. I’ll answer anything you want to know,” Justin said sincerely. After waiting a few seconds with no response he continued, “I know this is a completely different situation, but when I was a kid my father left us and I really hated him for that. But it turned out that he had his reasons and he wasn’t as bad as I thought. I know it’s been you and your mother for awhile. I know what that’s like, it was just me and my mom for awhile. I’m not looking to get in the way of that.”

Chris played with the food on his plate before finally looking at Justin, “It’s weird that you say you know what it’s like, but you still left, didn’t you? I would think if you really knew what it was like you would have maybe stuck around.”

“Christopher!” 

“No, no it’s OK,” Justin spoke quickly, “We can jump right into it. Go ahead, ask me anything and I’ll answer it truthfully.”

“Alright, fine. How many other kids don’t know that you’re their father?”

I bit at my lip to stop me from getting involved. Of course, I want to scream at my son to stop acting so rude. Maybe he just needs to get it out and then we can move on. 

“You’re it, man,” Justin answered with a nervous smile.

“How many that you don’t know about?”

“No, I’m positive you’re the only one. I think it’s safe to say you have the wrong idea about me.”

“I doubt it.”

“OK, fair enough,” Justin nodded his head, “It sucks that you feel that way, but I get it. You don’t have any reason to trust me right away. I haven’t earned your trust yet. I will, but not yet.”

“Great,” Chris answered sarcastically and turned to me, “Can I go upstairs now?”

“No,” I answered.

“Chris, I know this isn’t an easy thing. I know things are going to be awkward between us for a little while. I want to work through that and I want to have the best possible relationship with you. It’s ok if you hate me at first…”

“Good, cause I do,” Chris broke in and stood up, “Ma, you said if I didn’t want to talk to him I didn’t have to. You said if i didn’t feel comfortable he would leave. I don’t care if he leaves but I want to go upstairs.”

“OK,” I answered in a whisper, seriously questioning every choice I’ve made about tonight, “Go ahead. I’ll come up soon.”

Justin and I sat in silence until we heard his bedroom door slam shut. This has been a complete disaster. I don’t know what made me think Chris was ready for this. I should know my own son better than that. I want him to have a relationship with his father so bad that I completely overlooked the fact that he’s not ready.

“I’m sorry,” I spoke up quietly, my eyes beginning to water. 

“No, no don’t be sorry. Mac, it’s fine. I mean it’s to be expected, isn’t it? I mean, I get it. He’s not going to jump into my arms.”

I should have prepared him, or warned him somehow. My heart is breaking and I feel like the worst mother in the world. I shouldn’t have put my son in that situation. 

“Why don’t you go ahead and talk to him? I’ll head out. Call me later, ok? Tonight, or tomorrow. Anytime.”

I nodded my head and walked him to the door, “I’m really sorry, Justin. I’ll talk to him and see where he’s at. We’ll try again.”

“Yeah, alright,” he forced a smile but that I could see right through. He pulled me into a tight hug and held on longer than normal, “I hope I didn’t ruin his night.”

“Look, we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing, we never have why would we start now?” I asked with a chuckle as we pulled away, “It’ll get easier. He’ll open up more, it’ll just take a little time.”

“Yeah, he can’t hate me forever,” Justin answered with a smile, “I’ll see you later Mac, good luck.”

August 2000

So this is what a panic attack feels like. It’s so hot, my heart is beating in my throat and I’m having a hard time breathing. An almost impossible time breathing. I sat on the floor of Justin’s living room, leaning my back against the couch. When this panic attack started, I thought I was sitting on the couch. I’m only now realizing I didn’t make it there. 

I rocked back and forth, trying to calm myself down, closing my eyes for a few seconds, opening them quickly only to close them again. Justin was pacing back and forth. I swear he’s talking to himself. His lips are moving but there’s no words coming out, or if there are I can’t hear them. 

He stopped in front of me, as if noticing me for the first time. “Are you alright?”

“I need water.”

“Why are you on the floor?”

“I need water.” 

Justin continued pacing, but came back with a bottle of water. He sat on the floor next to me and held it out. When I didn’t take it he unscrewed the top and held it out again, “Are you ok? Is it the baby?”

I took a few deep breaths to get the whole breathing thing down again before I spoke quickly, “It’s not the fucking baby. It’s the fact that we’re having a fucking baby and I’m nineteen years old and we’re about to tell my parents. And they’re going to kill me. They’re going to kill you first and then they’re going to kill me.”

“They’re not going to kill us,” he answered softly as if he were trying to convince himself. 

“I know that you think they like you, and they do like you. But they’re not going to like you anymore. They’re going to hate you and they’re going to hate me and I’m their daughter. They’re only daughter, they’re only fucking child and it’s like I screwed everything up now.”

Justin placed a arm over my shoulder and held me closer. It did feel better, not a lot better but a little. “It’s going to be ok, Mac. We’ve got each other, you’re not alone.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder and he kissed my forehead. We sat in silence for a few minutes and when I looked up he was talking to himself again, this time I was sure there were no words coming out. 

“We need to get our shit together. They’ll be here soon.” 

I leaned against him to get up and took a long sip of water before heading to the piano. I lightly touched the keys as if I were afraid to touch them. I knew playing would be the one thing that could calm me down, but I also knew it would be hard for me to stop. 

“Play. It’ll calm me down, too.”

I pulled the bench out and closed my eyes, letting the music take over.

I’m not sure how long I was playing, but I stopped when I heard the doorbell ring. Justin walked to me and kissed me quickly, “We got this. I love you.”

I nodded my head, feeling the panic attack coming back, “I love you too. Do you think I can just play and you do all the talking?”

He chuckled, “I’ll sing it.”

“Ugh, we should have wrote a song and told them that way,” I whined. 

He smiled and put an arm around my waist as he walked me, or almost dragged me, to the door. “Put on your game face.”

Justin and I both plastered smiles on our faces as we opened the door to see my parents smiling back at us. “Quite the place you’ve got here, Justin,” my father spoke as he handed him a box of fancy chocolates. 

“Thanks Mr. C, it’s good to see you again.”

“It’s beautiful, Justin,” my mother said as she hugged him, “it’s good to have you back. You’ll have to tell us all about your trip.” It’s hard for my mother to understand that he wasn’t exactly on a trip, but a tour. He didn’t exactly do much, except move from bus to venue to hotel and back to bus again. Sometimes he ventured out to a radio station or other function, but it’s not like he’s out being a tourist. 

“Thanks Mrs. C, I’m so glad you could come tonight.”

Justin is good at this faking thing, or maybe it’s called acting. I’m just standing here quietly, holding onto Justin for support. Physical support because I think I might fall over. 

My father looked at me and smiled, then widened his eyes and opened his arms for a hug.
“Hi Dad,” I said softly and fell into his arms. I held on tighter than normal because I felt myself beginning to cry. This may be the last time he hugs me like this, or at all.  What if he never talks to me again?

“I can give you a tour,” Justin spoke up to break the awkwardness. 

“Oh, that’d be wonderful,” my mother grabbed onto my arm and pulled me along, “What’s going on with you?” she asked softly as we followed Justin through the house.

“Nothing,” I rested my head on her shoulder as they began the tour of Justin’s house.

The four of us sat in Justin’s living room after dinner. Justin and I sat closely on one couch, and my parents on the other facing us. 

“Well, that was lovely,” my mother spoke up, completely oblivious as to the real reason they were here. Neither of them had any idea of what we were about to say.

“Thanks, Mrs. Cole. I’m glad you liked it.” Justin said with a smile. 

The two of us were clearly getting nervous. I looked up at Justin who kept rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants, licking his lips, and swallowing nervously. I turned to look at my parents who suddenly seemed to notice something was going on. 

My father, especially, looked between the two of us. “Is everything…?”

“Yeah,” Justin broke in, not letting him finish. 

“Actually, we have something to—,” I don’t know where that came from, but all of a sudden I got brave. It went away as fast as it came and I wished I hadn’t said anything. That silence was working just fine. I can hide this from my parents forever. I’ll just wear baggy clothes and then show up with a baby. They can’t kill me when there’s an actual living, breathing, baby in the mix. “I mean, yeah. Everything is… we just…”

My parents shared a glance, then both turned back to looking between Justin and I. 

“You just, what Mackenzie?” my father spoke up. 

“I’m um,” I began again, still unable to finish. Justin placed his hand on my lap, giving me the comfort I needed. “Pregnant” I finished in a whisper, “I’m so sorry.”

I’m not sure if they heard me. Neither of them said anything, or even moved or showed any sign of breathing. I might have just killed my parents. 

“We have it, under control,” Justin spoke up softly, “I mean, it’s not ideal but it’s…”

He stopped speaking as my mother stood up and walked away. Yes, she just left the house so that’s a good sign. At least she’s alive.

Justin watched her leave and jumped a bit as the door slammed shut. I couldn’t look at either of my parents, and just stared into space. 

“We’re in love,” Justin continued, “It may not be the best timing but…”

“No, it may not be the best timing, Justin. My daughter is nineteen years old.” my father answered calmly.  He took a few deep breaths then turned to me, “Are you sure? Have you been to the doctor?”

I nodded my head.

He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them, took another deep breath before speaking again. “Is that it? I don’t really have anything to say right now so if you kids are all set I think it’d be best if I head out.”

“Daddy, I’m…” I trailed off, not exactly sure of what I was going to say, but having him look at me the way he is now is too much for me to take.

“You’re what, Mackenzie? Pregnant. A teenager, a college freshman who has her whole life ahead of her and now…” he just shook his head.

I couldn’t hold the tears in anymore, “I’m sorry.”

“I love her,” Justin spoke up, “I love her so much and I know…”

“I don’t doubt that you love her,” my father broke in, “I don’t doubt that she loves you. That’s not the problem here. It’s really naive of you to think that’s the only thing that matters. The fact is that you’re teenagers. You’re nineteen.”

“I’m twenty,” Justin spoke up. 

“I don’t care. You both have your whole lives ahead of you. Mac, you’re going to be going to college while you’re pregnant and taking finals and what, are you going to drop out of school? Have you even thought that far ahead? And Justin, God. You’ve got people watching your every move, you’re not even allowed to be seen with my daughter in public, never mind admit that you have a girlfriend. How are you planning to handle this? Have you thought of any of this? Before you decided to get pregnant. Before you decided to be foolish and irresponsible  with the most important thing you’ve been learning constantly since you were fourteen.”

“We’ll get married,” Justin spoke up. I stopped crying, in shock of this new development I definitely have not heard before. 

“No, absolutely not.”

“With all due respect, Mr. C, it’s not really up to you”

“With absolutely no respect, because you’re a child, you are not going to marry my daughter.”

“I’m going to marry her,” he spoke under his breath.

“OK, you listen to me, right now, because I do like you, Justin. Or, at least I did like you before you got my daughter pregnant. I like you less now, but I don’t hate you yet. And if you even joke about getting married, you will never see my daughter again. I can, and will, make that happen. You are children. You made a mistake, a very big mistake, but a mistake non the less. You don’t need to make another mistake to fix that first mistake, because it won’t fix anything. It will just be two big mistakes. You are not getting married, you are nineteen.”

“Twenty,” Justin corrected my father.

“I still don’t care, Justin.”

“I love her, she loves me. We’re in love.”

“And once again, I don’t doubt that. So, why don’t you come back to me in about seven years and then we’ll revisit this conversation?”

“Oh hey, hi,” I spoke up for the first time, “You do know I’m here, right? Don’t you think this is something you should discuss with me instead of figuring out how many camels I’m worth with my father? Dad, I am an adult, and I’m about to become even more of an adult. I know, believe me, that this isn’t a good situation, but there’s nothing we can do about it now. If I want to get married, there’s nothing you can you do about it. And Justin, I have a say in this. You don’t marry me because my father said you can or can’t. This is not ancient times, we don’t live in a land of arranged marriages. This is between you and me. I get to decide.”

“She’s right.” Justin nodded his head.

“She is right,” my father spoke up and gave me a half smile, “So are you getting married?”

“Of course not! Justin, I am nineteen, I’m not getting married to you. How would that even work? I can’t even go on the same tour bus with you without the world stopping. Not even to mention it would solve absolutely nothing. I don’t really want to discuss this further with my father in the room, but since you brought it up and think he’s the best person to ask I can continue.”

Justin shook his head. 

The three of us sat in silence for a few moments, “Should I go check on Mom?”

My father shook his head and stood up, “I think it would be best to let her simmer off for awhile. I’ll take her home.” he gave me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, “I’ll call you tomorrow. We love you, sweetie. Remember that.”

March 2014

The house was eerily quiet as I laid on the couch staring at the ceiling. I’m not used to the quiet, especially not when Chris is home. Justin just left after the dinner disaster and I haven’t been able to get the courage to go upstairs and talk to my son. 

I’m scared to talk to him, that’s the honest truth. It’s probably not normal for a mother to be scared to talk to her son about his father, but we haven’t done anything the normal way now, have we?

I walked into the dining room and sighed as I looked over the table full of wasted food. It took me so long to plan this meal, not to mention how long it took me to actually cook it. This is, of course, a very minor problem considering everything else that happened today, but what a waste! I made a plate for myself and one for Chris,  and waited patiently for them to warm up in the microwave.

I took a deep breath and said a silent prayer before slowly making my way upstairs. I stopped at Chris’ door and listened for some sign of life, but used my elbow to knock softly when I didn't hear anything. I wasn't surprised when I didn’t hear a response so I placed my plate on the floor and knocked louder as I opened the door. 

Chris laid on his side with his back towards me, either ignoring me completely or pretending to be asleep. I stood there for a few seconds, trying to come up with some sort of a game plan. I got nothing.

“Hey, sweetie. I brought you up a plate, you must be hungry.” No answer, he’s not even moving. “Chris. Chriiiisss. Christopher. Christopher William. Chris!” I peaked over to see his eyes were at least open, “I can go on all night, you know I will.”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“OK, but don’t you want to eat dinner?”

“No.”

I nervously licked my lips and watched my son. My heart broke more and more each second of passing silence. I know this is a normal thing that happens, a child being mad at his mother, but it’s never happened to me before. We never fight. I know the reality is that he’s becoming a teenager and I’m sure we’ll be screaming at each other plenty in the future, but I’m not ready for it to start yet.  “I know you’re upset, but I think dinner will make you feel a little better. I think you should eat something. Want me to order a pizza?” I’ll try anything to get him to talk, obviously.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Cheesecake? There’s still some cheesecake left.”

Chris whined, “Ma, can’t you just leave me alone?”

“No. I know you don’t want to talk to me but I want to talk to you. And you’re going to listen, because I’m your mother. This will be easier if you talk back and we have a real conversation but if you’d rather me just talk at you, then that works too.”

I waited for some kind of response, but I guess we’re going for the one-sided option. 

“I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now, I’m sorry if you feel ambushed. Maybe I should have explained a little more about your father before he got here.”

“You should have told me,” Chris answered softly, still looking out the window. 

“I didn’t know that you knew who he is. I didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.”

Chris turned to face me, “EVERYONE knows who he is Mom, everyone. You don’t think you could have told me? My whole life I wanted to know about my father and the whole time he was like, on the radio and on TV and I didn’t even know it.”

“I think this conversation would be so much easier if we were eating.”

He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. I do better with important conversations when food is available to distract me. 

Chris sat up and grabbed the plate from my lap, “OK fine, we’ll talk but only about what I want to talk about. And when I say I don’t want to talk about it anymore, then I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

I nodded my head like I’m the child here and took a bite of scalloped potatoes. Chris began eating but stared off into space as he chewed. Maybe he’s gathering his thoughts, maybe this is all part of his plan to get me to leave him alone. Either way, this is better than him ignoring me. 

He shook his head like an etch-a-sketch before finally speaking, “OK, only the truth.”

“Only the truth,” I nodded once in agreement. 

“No lies?”

“Absolutely no lies. I’m ready to talk about it and answer any questions you have.”

“OK, how did you really meet him?”

“I told you that, at a party in college.”

Chris gave me a side eye, as if I was already caught in a lie. He doesn’t have much faith in me at the moment, “He went to college?”

“He went to college parties.”

He let out a sigh, maybe not particularly buying my answer but at least ready to move past it.  I waited a few seconds for the next question, but I could tell Chris had so many he didn’t even know where to begin.

“Why don’t I start? I’ll tell you more about like… everything. Our story. Ok?”

Chris nodded his head and looked down at the plate in his lap. 

I took a deep breath trying to figure out how to begin, “I was a freshman in college and I met your father at a party. At the time he was in NSYNC, do you know them?” Chris shook his head, making me feel so very old, “They were a group like, One Direction or something. They were pretty big but I wasn’t really familiar with them. I knew who he was but didn't know much else. So anyway, at first he wasn’t doing much work so we had a lot of time together. Things got really serious really fast. We spent all of our free time together and we fell in love.”

Chris didn’t have much of a reaction, he continued looking at his plate as if it held the answers. 

I swallowed hard and continued, “Then he started working again and he went on tour and things were very difficult. He was a huge star in the public eye and there were so many crazy rules. You know how Landon’s father has those crazy rules? Like he can’t get a haircut without permission or he can’t go skydiving or bungee jumping? It was like that but times a hundred.  It just became too much.”

“It became too much because you had me?”

“It became too much because there were so many people telling him what to do. I couldn’t handle it.”

“So, he just decided if he sent me cards a couple times he didn’t have to do anything else?”

“Chris, I really hate when you say that. Your father has done a lot.”

“Like what?” He broke in, I seem to have his attention now.

“This house, to begin with. Your school, he’s paying for your school. He paid for Amelia, your nanny which let me go back to school after you were born. He…”

“Yeah Ma, so he paid for stuff. He’s got like billions of dollars, who cares? “

“He did what he could,” I answered in a whisper, “He had a very hard time with all this, and I know you did too, I’m not saying this isn’t extremely difficult for you. I know how horrible it was for you to grow up without a father. I just wish that you would give him a chance because I know him. I know how much he loves you and how hard it was for him to stay away from you.”

“Then why did he? You say he’s this great guy and he wanted to know me but then why didn’t he? He’s a human, we’re in America. He can do what he wants.”

“It’s really complicated.”

“Ugh Mom!” he shouted, “Why do you always say that it’s complicated? No crap! I thought you were telling me the truth.”

“I think that’s something you need to talk about with him.”

Chris took a deep breath and threw his head to his hands, “I can’t believe it’s him. Do Nana and Gramps know?”

I couldn’t help but smile, it’s so hard for him to understand that there was life before he was born. “I told you, Justin was my boyfriend. Of course they knew. Justin came over for dinner a lot. Gramps still sees him sometimes when he’s working.”

“What?” he asked out of shock, I probably should have kept that last fact to myself. “They work together?”

I quickly shook my head, backpedaling as much as I could, “They don’t work together but sometimes one of Gramps’ clients is doing something with Justin and their paths cross.”

“So Justin lives here? In LA?”

I slowly nodded my head. This talk was supposed to make him feel better but I’m saying so many stupid things I know I’m just making it worse. 

“You’re telling me he lives here? In LA? Like we live in LA? And I always thought he lived on the other side of the country or something. And he lives here? Where does he live?”

“He lives um, in the Hills. Near Runyon.”

Chris handed me his plate and fell down on his bed. “I’m going to go to sleep now.”

“Sweetie, I—“

“Good night!”

“OK,” I answered softy and kissed the top of his head, “I love you. I’m sorry this has been a tough night. We’ll try again when you’re ready.”

“I’m not going to be ready. Good night!”

~~~~~~~~~~

I hoped Chris would come down to breakfast the next morning when Kelly came over and we could talk about everything that happened the night before. She’s good at getting him to talk, even when he doesn't want to.  Of course, these things never work out. Instead, Chris rushed by us, ignoring me completely but quickly saying hello to Kelly. He called out that he was going to Landon’s and I didn’t say anything to stop him. Not that I could have, he was practically out the door anyway. 

Thank god Kelly was there to help me deal with it. It’s completely normal she said, he’ll tell you when he’s ready. I didn’t believe it would actually happen. Justin texted me multiple times checking up and I could never give him an honest answer. Chris went back to his normal self after seeing Landon, but didn’t bring up his father, or the dinner debacle once. I was afraid to bring it up and ruin his mood. 

A few days later, as he was eating his dinner he simply stated, “OK, I’m ready.”

“For what?”

“To have him over, I’m ready to talk to him. But I have questions and I want them answered and that’s it. He has to answer and you have to answer and it has to be the truth or I’m never doing it again.”

I nodded my head, “Sounds fair. I’ll give him a call.”

That Friday night Justin was at the door. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a gray t-shirt. He smiled when I opened the door and shrugged,  “Let’s try this again, huh?”

I smiled as he pulled me into a tight hug, “I feel like I’m more nervous this time.”

“Nah, don’t be,” he chuckled, “I mean, at least I know where I stand, right? He already hates me, it can only go up from there.”

I took a deep breath, even with Justin trying to find the humor in the situation I’m still nervous about the questions Chris is going to ask. I don’t know if I’m ready to answer everything, but I guess we’re going to have to be. 

“It’ll be ok,” I tried to assure myself, as Justin followed me into the living room, “He just wants to know the truth. We’ll just tell him the truth. The whole truth. Nothing but the truth.”

“So help me god,” he answered softly as he plopped down on the couch, “I got this.”

“I’ll probably just be in my room while you two talk. Sound good?”

“Yeah,alright,” he chuckled politely before taking a long, deep, breath. 

“Want a beer?”

“Yeah, I probably should have a beer. This is going to be the most difficult interview I’ve ever done, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, probably,” I grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge,  “You ready?”

“Let’s do it.”

“Chris! Justin’s here!” I called up the stairs and sat on the other end of the couch from Justin. I bit at my lip and stared into space as we waited for him to come downstairs. I heard Justin chuckle whipped my head to look at him, “What?”

“Just bringing back memories.”

“Of what?”

“Telling our parents…”

“Oh god, don’t even—“ I stopped when I heard Chris coming down the stairs.

“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Justin asked as he stood up to greet Chris who ignored him and sat on the plus chair across from us. 

“Hi. I have questions.”

“OK,” Justin answered. 

“And I want the truth,” Chris replied sternly. 

“Of course.”

Chris nodded his head and unfolded a piece of paper he hand in his hand. My studious son. “I googled you,” he looked up to see Justin’s reaction.

“Uh oh,” Justin answered with a chuckle. 

“You’re getting married?”

Justin bit at his lower lip and glanced over at me before nodding his head. We haven’t discussed this, not even just the two of us. In fact we successfully managed to talk about everything but the fact that he’s getting married. “I am.”

“Are you going to have more kids?”

Justin took a long swig of his beer before he spoke, “I uh, I don’t know.”

“The truth, you said the truth.”

“Honestly Chris, I haven’t given it much thought,” he looked over at me hoping I’d say something to save him but I’d kind of like to know the answer to that one myself, “Someday, maybe.  I guess.”

“How did you meet my mom?”

“Chris, we’ve been through this,” I broke in.

“I want to hear his side,” Chris answered simply. 

“Uh, well we met at a party,” Justin answered with a smile, happy to be moving past the whole him getting married thing, “She was hanging out by the food table and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I finally gained the courage to go up to her and she was crying so I asked her if she was ok and she told me she got guacamole in her eye,” he chuckled as he looked over at me. I never heard this part of the story, the part that he was watching me and gained the courage to come talk to me. I thought he just saw me crying and came over to help. “So I took her to the bathroom, she couldn’t see well, so I kind of led her there so she could wash out her eye. And uh, I don’t know, the rest is history. We hit it off right away.”

Chris looked at me, then back at his paper, “Did you love her?”

“Yeah, of course. Very much.”

“So did you ever think of getting married to her and being a father instead of ignoring us completely?”

“Of course,” Justin answered softly, “I thought about that every day since your mother told me she was pregnant.”

“But?”

Justin swallowed hard and scratched his head, “We were young. Things were uh, it was out of our control.”

Chris was silent for a few seconds, I looked between him and Justin. It’s hard to tell if Chris is believing everything, but Justin sure seems to be questioning every decision he’s ever made, especially that he told Chris he’d answer anything. 

Justin turned to me, then took a sip of his beer. 

“Why did you go to rehab?”

Justin choked on his beer and turned to me as he tried to catch his breath, “What? I never…”

“You said you’d tell me the truth.”

“I am, I never went to rehab. Where did you hear that?”

Chris let out a sigh, “I told you, I googled you.”

“Alright, well look,  you can’t believe everything about me on the internet. You know that, right?” he ran his hands through his hair, “There’s a lot of rumors about me, it kinda comes with the turf. Most of what’s on there isn’t true. I definitely have never been to rehab. I’ve never done drugs, I hardly drink,” he looked down at the bottle of beer in his hands, “I mean I drink, but not much, maybe a beer every few days, I don’t—“

“Chris, he’s never been to rehab,” I spoke to get the attention off Justin. I’ve never seen him this anxious in my life, and I’ve definitely seen him in many nerve-racking situations, “I know you don’t know him enough to understand that yet, but it’s actually really insulting to accuse someone of that. So why don’t you go ahead and move on to your next question?”

“Fine. Why did you call my mom on my birthday this year?”

Justin let out a noticeable sigh of relief before answering softly, “I call your mom on your birthday every year.”

“Why?”

“To see how you’re doing and what’s going on.”

“If you care about how I’m doing why do you only call on my birthday?”

“I don’t,” he answered simply, “I call her a few times a year. We email a lot and she keeps me updated.”

“Why now?”

“It’s not just now, Chris. I’ve been doing it since you were born.”

Chris turned to me and I nodded my head. “But why did you want to meet me now?”

“I guess I just had enough. I was sick of waiting.”

Chris seemed satisfied enough with the answer and was ready to move on. “Do I have any cousins?”

“No,” Justin shook his head, “I’m the only child. I have two half brothers but they’re young, one in high school, one in college.”

“Grandparents?”

“Yeah. My mom and my stepdad. My father remarried too, I’m not that close to them.”

“Do they know about me?”

“Uh, my mom and stepdad do.”

I changed the subject away from Justin’s mother as quickly as I could, “Justin’s grandfather, his name is William. That’s where you got your middle name from. He’s been sending you birthday cards and notes since you were born. I’ll give them to you later.”

Justin turned to me, “He has? I didn’t know that.”

I nodded my head, “He’s a really good man. I hope you get to meet him someday. I hope I  get to meet him someday.” Justin’s grandfather has been writing me letters ever since we told his mother I was pregnant. He started off apologizing for his complete bitch of a daughter, who also happens to be Justin’s mother. We always kept in touch, he was always so interested in Chris. I’d send him pictures and keep him updated as much as I could. 

“We will definitely make that happen,” Justin smiled. 

“Good,” I returned the smile and turned to Chris. 

“How long are you here for?” Chris asked, getting right back to business. 

“What do you mean?”

Chris looked down at his paper, “I mean, every time you sent me a card it was from a different city so how long are you staying in LA?”

“Oh,” Justin answered softly and gave me a look, “I live here, I’ll be here for awhile, I mean forever. I was touring a lot, that’s why the cards were from all over. I’m done with the tour, I’m taking some time off so I’ll be around for awhile.”

Chris shrugged and put his paper down. 

“You’re really good at this, you should be a reporter. Do you want to be a reporter?” Justin asked with a smile. 

Chris shook his head, “No.”

“What do you want to be?”

“In the NBA.”

“Obviously,” I answered with a smile.

“Obviously,” Justin repeated, “Awesome. Any more questions?”

“Not now.”

“Alright. I’m going to give you my number and you can call me, or text me, anytime you want, alright? If you think of any more questions or you just want to talk give me a call. Whenever, even if it’s in the middle of the night. Alright?”

Chris nodded his head and put Justin’s number in his cell. Then, to both Justin and my surprise, he texted Justin but kept his eyes on his phone, “So you have my number too.”

I couldn’t hide the smile on my face. I wanted to get up and scream.  This is big. This is so big. 

“Yeah, thanks,” Justin gave me a quick half smile, much better at keeping his cool than I am. 

Chris looked up at me, saw my huge smile and then quickly stood up, “I’m going upstairs. Bye.”

“Um ok, it was good to see you again I’ll—“ Justin trailed off as Chris made his way upstairs. 

I waited to hear Chris’s bedroom door close before scooting closer to Justin. I couldn’t contain my excitement anymore, I squealed and started drumming on his knees. 

“Relax, keep your cool,” Justin whispered before looking up at the stairs, and then letting that big smile find its way to his face. 

“How can I possibly keep my cool? You just got the digits, man!”

“He fell for the ol’ let me give you my number just in case,” Justin said with a smug smile, “Just like his mother did.”

“Oh please, if I remember correctly you thought you were so smooth but I definitely did not fall for it.”

“Nah, you don’t remember correctly.”

“I absolutely remember correctly! You kept asking me in the dorkiest way possible and I finally gave it to you to stop you from embarrassing yourself.”

He raised his eyebrows, “And that was after how many nights I stayed at your place?”

I covered my mouth with my hands to hide the laughing, “That’s not the point.”

“I’m pretty sure it is the point. I was real smooth, still am.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.”

Justin nodded his head and smiled, “It’s good to see you again, Mac. I know I’ve said that a lot lately, but it really is,” He stood up before I could say anything, “But I should get going. I’ll give you a call soon, we can plan something else. Or, ya’know, I’ll just call Chris, since I have his number and everything.”

“Yup, cause you’re smooth,” I said as I followed him to the door. 

“Yeah see, glad you’re finally able to admit it,” he smiled before pulling me into a tight hug, “I’ll see you soon, alright?”

“OK. Bye, Justin.”

August 2000

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they react to news they don’t want to hear. When someone has their fairy tale dream of how their life is going to turn out and then in a matter of seconds it all changes. 

It was a chilly day and the sun was struggling to peak out of the clouds that filled the car. I sat nervously on Justin’s couch trying desperately to calm down and act like an actual human. I was having major case of deja vu, Justin paced around the room mumbling to himself. He moved his hands  around as he practiced his speech. 

I thought telling my parents would be the hardest thing I ever had to do, but just the thought of having to meet Justin’s parents the same day we tell them I’m pregnant with his child, gives me heart palpitations . I don’t think I should be here when he tells his parents. I’ve never even met them and I’m not convinced they even know I exist. My mother still isn’t talking to me, my father calls me every day to make sure we haven’t run to Vegas to elope. I can’t handle another set of parents hating me. 

Justin and I never fight, but oh my god I want to strangle him when he insists that I’m here to tell his parents with him. I told him a thousand times that I shouldn’t be here, but he doesn’t understand why he was with me to tell my parents and I shouldn’t be there with him to tell his. Of course, it’s complete different because my parents have him over all the time and I honestly doubt Justin’s parents even know my name.

I’m nervous enough to meet Justin’s parents. I want his mother to like me and this is pretty much guaranteeing that she hates me before she even gets to know me. 

Justin let out a sigh and fell on the couch next to me, “Are you doing alright?”

I shot him a side eye. 

“It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. She’ll like you just… be yourself and she’ll like you.”

“She’s not going to like me, I’m pregnant with her son’s child.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” he snapped, “If anything she’ll like you more because you’re pregnant with my kid.”

“What are you talking about?” I snapped back,  “Of course she’s not going to like, what like you’re thirty and craving grandbabies? Please.”  

I stood up and walked to the piano to get away from him.  Just being close to him makes me want to scream. He doesn’t get it. And we sure as hell am not dealing with the stress of the situation the right way. We’re just taking it out on each other, I get that, but I really want to punch him in the face.

It didn’t take long for Justin to sit next to me at the piano. He began strumming the lower keys as I played the higher, then started playing Heart and Soul. I chuckled but played along. 

When we finished the song I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m terrified,” I whispered. 

I waited a few seconds for him to say something, to assure me it would all be ok but he never did. I turned to look at him and he wrapped his arms around me, kissed my forehead, and stood up so he could continue his pacing.

“This is so stupid,” I answered under my breath. 

I could tell by the way Justin’s mother looked at me when she first arrived that it was going to be a disaster. She looked me over and plastered a fake smile on her face, making it clear that she wasn’t nearly as impressed with me as her son was. She didn’t ask me one question about myself all night, and anytime Justin tried to bring me into the conversation she answered condescendingly and changed the subject back to her son. In fact, all she did was talk about her son and what was happening with his music. 

Later in the night we were sitting on the couch, similar to the way we were a few nights earlier with my parents. I could tell Justin was getting ready to tell his parents by the way he was nervously tapping his leg. 

“So, ya’ll fixin’ to go back on tour then?” Justin’s mother asked, oblivious to it all. 

I’m not even the slightest bit surprised she isn’t picking up on his clues. All she’s been doing since she got here is asking about his tour and his music. She hasn’t even pretended to be interested in me or the fact that her son likes a girl enough to actually have her meet them. She just wants to talk more and more about her son and what he does for a living.

“Are you two alright? Is everything ok?” Justin’s step-father, Paul, asked looking between us. He’s much friendlier than his wife, he’s been asking me questions and trying to get to know me. Of course, Justin’s mother manages to change the subject back to her son every time. 

I looked back at Justin, who swallowed hard and nodded his head. I placed my hand on his lap and smiled when I noticed Paul turn his worried gaze to me, “Would you like a drink? Can I get anyone a drink?”

“Oh darlin’, we don’t need a drink,” Lynn answered condescendingly in her southern drawl, the same way she’s been talking to me since we’ve met. She continued under her breath, “asking me if I want a drink in my own boy’s house.”

I bit my lip.

“Justin,” I spoke softly and gently kicked his foot to get his attention, “Do you want to come with me into the kitchen to get a drink?”

“Darlin’ nobody wants a drink,” Lynn spoke loudly, plastering a fake smile on her face. 

“OK,” I faked a smile right back at her. I can be a condescending bitch too. “I just thought he could use some water,” I continued under my breath, “and that he could speak for himself, but obviously—“

“What’s wrong baby?” she turned to Justin. I took a deep breath to calm myself, she just called her twenty year old son baby. 

“Justin,” I spoke between clenched teeth. I can’t deal with his mother on my own, he’s going to have to wake up at some point.

“Oh no, nothing. Sorry. I just have a lot of stuff going on and I—“ he finally joined the conversation but stopped mid sentence. 

“Justin Randall, do you think I was born yesterday? I know when something is bothering my boy. It’s all going to be ok, Mama’s here now. You best tell me what it is.”

“No Ma, nothing’s wrong,” Justin turned to me and grabbed my hand, “I just really wanted you to meet Mac and I wanted you to know that I really like, I mean, love. I love her, we’re in love.”

“Well…ok? That’s great, Justin. That’s fine. You just need to make sure she doesn’t get in the way of everything. You’re very busy and you need to remember what’s important right now. You need to focus and you can’t let her distract you.”

I’m not sure why everyone that surrounds Justin likes to talk about me as if I’m not sitting right here. I’m invisible as far as they’re concerned. 

“Yeah Ma, I know.”

“I’m not saying you don’t know. This is the most important part of your career. You need to work hard or it’ll all go away.”

Justin took a deep breath and squeezed my hand,  I get the feeling he’s heard this speech a few times before. He gave me a look that told me he was ready.  I nodded my head, and rubbed his palm with my thumb to comfort him. Let’s get this over with. He cleared his throat and spoke just above a whisper, “We’re going to have a baby.”

I had flashbacks to my parent’s reaction to the same news. My mother, walking out of the house without a word. My father, staring us down with a look of disappoint I’d never seen before. 

Lynn’s reaction was to laugh. She straight up laughed, then glared at me and her face froze. “You’re not going to have a baby, you’re twenty years old. There’s no need to rush into anything crazy.”

“No Ma, you don’t get it. Mac’s pregnant. We’re going to have a baby.”

Lynn bit her lip and stared me down. She shook her head and began pacing around the room, a nervous tick she shares with her son. 

“Are you out of her fucking mind?” she shouted, looking straight at me. She couldn’t have been talking to me, she’s hardly said three words to me all night. She hasn’t tried to get to know me or ask me one question. Actually, I don’t even think she’s acknowledged me before Justin told her I am pregnant. This can’t be the first question she asks me, Are you out of your fucking mind>

“You are—“ she held her hand up and took a deep breath before continuing and turning to Justin, “You are twenty years old. Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Right, and you were how old when you had me?” Justin snapped right back at her. 

“Justin Randall don’t you dare! That was different and you know it. I was married, first of all.”

“We’ll get married.”

“Justin,” I spoke up softly, I don’t know why he always goes back to that.

“Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you?” she turned her attention back to me, “You think you can just come in, get yourself pregnant, and trick my son into marrying you? You think you can take advantage of him and never have to work a day in your life? You’re a gold digging whore!”

“Stop Ma,” Justin jumped up and blocked me from his mother, “What is wrong with you?”

“Don’t you talk to me like that!” She shouted, moving closer to me, “You think that I don’t see what you’re trying to do?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t talk to her like that,” Justin shouted, putting his arm around my waist. And thank god he did I feel like I’m going to pass out.

“What am I supposed to do, pretend I don’t know what she’s doing? She is ruining your life Justin, wake up! How will this look? You go and get this little slut pregnant and she collects child support and doesn’t have to work a day in her life. Don’t be so naive Justin, I raised you better than that.”

I couldn’t just sit there and listen to all of this so I stood up and grabbed my purse. If they expect me to listen to this bitch talk to me like that they’re all out of their fucking minds. 

“Wait, Mac, come on. Don’t—“ he chased after me before I made it to the door, “She doesn’t mean it. Right Ma, you don’t mean it? Apologize to her.”

“Oh no, I mean it Justin. I’m not apologizing for anything.”

I knew I didn’t want to cry in front of her, but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold it in much longer. I couldn’t let her see me cry, I didn’t want her to know she had the power to make me cry. Instead I took a deep breath and used all my strength to look  into her eyes and be brave, “You know, you’ve got me all wrong. I love your son. He loves me. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“Oh, we’ll just see about that, won’t we?”

It took all I had not to punch her in the face, but instead I calmly walked out of the house and grabbed my cell phone from my purse so I could call Kelly to come pick me up. I walked down the driveway and made it outside of Justin’s gate and sat on the curb, trying desperately to control the sobs. 

The gate opened again and Justin came running outside, “Good you’re still here, I thought you left,” he knelt down beside me, “Come back inside, don’t go. I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t, I need to go, I can’t stay here.”

“Mac, please. I’m so sorry about my mother. I don’t know what’s wrong with her, she’s not like that. She’ll come around. You don’t have to leave.”

“I do,” I answered softly as I stood up to walk away. Luckily Kelly pulled up the street, and I hopped in the car, “I just can’t stay here.”

“Please, Mac. Just let me talk to her and she’ll apologize. She doesn’t mean it.”

“Of course she means it,” I answered between sniffles, “Just let me go. Go Kel, drive.”

Kelly didn’t say anything, but drove away. I watched Justin in the rareview mirror as we drove off, he threw his head in his hands and fell to the curb. 

There are so many good things about having Kelly as a best friend. We’ve been through a lot and she’s always there for me and always knows the right thing to say to make me feel better. After I told her everything that happened she almost turned the car around to give Justin’s mother a piece of her mind. “Who cares what she thinks? She’s one of those overbearing stage mothers that like, forces her son to take voice lessons from the age of three and practice eight hours a day!”

“I care what she thinks. She’s Justin’s mother.”

“Mac, she has lived off her son since he was ten. That’s not normal. She’s not normal. I know it sucks but she’s crazy. She’s obviously crazy. What did Justin say?”

“He just said he was sorry and that she’ll come around. He said he doesn’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“I doubt anyone knows what’s wrong with her,” she answered with a smile, “Wanna go get drunk on ice cream?”

“I absolutely want to go get drunk on ice cream.”

~~~~~~~~~

When Kelly drove me back to my apartment Justin was sitting against the front door with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. He quickly jumped up when he saw me, “Are you ok?”

I nodded my head as I unlocked the door and waved at Kelly before she drove off. Justin waited outside when I walked in. I turned around, “Aren’t you coming in?”

He smiled softly and followed me inside, closing the door behind himself. “I am so sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know what she’s— she’s not like that.”

I placed my bag on the couch and went to the kitchen sink where I filled the kettle with water and placed it on the stove. I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t have anything to say. 

“Mac,” he wanted me to say something, but what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to forgive him for his horrible mother? I can’t say it’s ok because it’s not. I’m not ok with it. 

“Justin.”

He let out a sigh and jumped on the counter, pulling me so I was standing between his legs, “My mother’s… you know, I’m all she has. She’s spent her whole life worrying about me and focusing on me. She’s always urged me to follow my dreams and work hard and she took me all over for auditions and everything. I mean, she put her life on hold so I could do what I wanted to do.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “That’s one way to look at it.” I pulled away from him and grabbed two mugs and teabags from the cabinet. 

“What does that mean? What’s another way to look at it?”

“Nevermind, I shouldn’t have said—“

“Mac, what?”

I turned to face him, nervous I was going to open up a whole new bag of worms, “Justin, she’s your mother and I don’t want to get in the middle of that. I just think that, sure maybe she put her life on hold to do what you want. Or maybe she kind of pressured you into it. I mean you were just a kid and had a lot of responsibility, because she quit her job and kind of relied on you. I know you love what you do, and you’re amazing and it’s your calling. But, do you think that maybe she put a little too much focus on that? I mean, you were a child and she put so much pressure on you. You’ve been taking care of her and paying the bills since you were fourteen years old. You bought her a house.”

He licked his lips and took a few seconds to really think about what I said, as if he’s never even considered it before.  Finally, he shook his head, “It’s not like that. She couldn’t work. She had to take me everywhere and she couldn’t just leave me alone.”

“OK,” I answered as I poured us each a cup of tea. I handed one to him and went to sit on the couch. It was a few seconds before he followed me. 

“I’m not going to make excuses for her, because there is no excuse. She owes you an apology and she will apologize to you. I’ll make sure of it.”

I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“Your parents are so cool,” he continued, “I know that didn’t go particularly well but your parents get it. Your father focused on what matters. My mother only cares about  my career. That’s all she ever cares about. I wish it would have gone better, Mac, I really do.”

I gave him a weak smile, “It’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out. And it’s over, we told everyone we need to tell. Now we can just relax and breathe.”

March, 2014

I swear it would be easier if this kid had his cell phone surgically attached to his hand.  Technology is such a pain in the ass. I miss the old days when you had to have actual human contact with someone instead of sending a text message. 

I sat crosslegged on the chair in the living room, half reading a book while Chris laid on the couch across from me, with his phone above his head. He laughed each time he received a message, enjoying his new ringtone, a squeaky voice repeating the words “text message” over and over again. The most annoying sound I’ve heard in my life. Easily.

I dropped my book to my lap, “Who are you talking to?”

He continued typing, not even realizing I was talking to him. The teen years have officially started.

“Huh?” he asked when he finally placed his phone on his stomach. 

“Who are you texting?” I repeated slower this time.

“Landon,” he laughed again at the squeaky voice. 

“He just left.” Like, literally he just left. Ten minutes ago. He was over after school playing basketball, he stayed for dinner, and he just left.

Chris shrugged, finished typing, and placed the phone back on his stomach, “So?”

“Never mind. Can you at least turn your ringer down? I’m trying to read.”

“Yesss,” he answered softly, as he turned the ringer down. At least he still listens, maybe we’re not completely at the teenage years yet.

“Thank you,” I returned my attention back to my book, then quickly placed it in my lap again, “Have you talked to Justin much?”

Chris took a few seconds before he responded, just to see me sweat. “The other day.”

“What do you guys talk about?”

He let out a sigh and turned to look at me for the first time all night, “he just asked how I was doing and told me I could talk to him whenever and blah blah blah.”

“Blah blah blah?”

“Yeah,” Chris chuckled, “he asked if I was watching the Lakers game and that kind of stuff.”

“Do you answer him?”

“Sometimes,” he shrugged. 

“OK,” I hid my smile behind my book. I know it doesn’t mean much, but this makes me so happy. Sure, Chris will only talk to Justin through texts, and sure it’s only about basketball, but these tiny baby steps are so important. We’re making progress. 

Chris’s phone rang and he didn’t answer it, instead he got this panic look on his face and turned to me. “He’s calling me.”

“Who?” I asked, putting my book down again. 

“Justin.”

“Well, answer it.”

“I don’t want to answer it.”

“Chris, if he’s calling you, you really should answer.”

“I know but I don’t want to,” he whined,  “Why do you think he’s calling me?”

“Answer and find out. Sweetie, you gotta answer.”

“Fine,” he took a deep breath, before picking up his phone. He’s so nervous, it’s weird to see him like this. “Hello?” Chris’s voice was different when he talked to his father. He was quiet and shy, two words I never thought I would use to describe my son. “Yeah… OK….Uh huh…. I dunno. Can Landon come?… Yeah…. OK…. I will… Bye.”

When my dear, sweet son finished the conversation he dropped his phone back to his stomach, not even considering that I might be interested to know what the call was about. I gave him a look. 

“He said he got a box for the Lakers/Celtics game Saturday and wanted to know if we want to go.”

I smiled, “And what’d you say?”

“I said fine but if Landon can come.”

“Chris…”

“He said he can come!”

I shrugged, “So we’re going to the game?”

“Whatever,” he answered, trying his hardest not to sound excited. We’ve been to a few Lakers games, he’s gone to a bunch with Landon’s father, but he’s definitely never been in a box. He’s excited, whether he wants to admit it or not. “He said you should call him.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday came before we knew it. I don’t think Chris was fully prepared, I really hate that he gets so nervous around his father. I’m hoping that with Landon here Chris will be able to relax a little. 

Justin told me to park in a special VIP lot. A man with a clipboard checked us in and walked us up to the private suite. Of course, Justin couldn’t come and pick us up, because god forbid we walk in with him and be seen together. I’m honestly surprised he’d even invite us to something with so many people, but I guess we’ll be safe in the privacy of a VIP suite. 

I don’t know why this little thing bothers me so much, it’s been like this since I even met Justin. It’s easier this way, I definitely don’t want Chris’s face plastered on the cover of every magazine. I’m sure that’s what would happen if the world found out. It’s better for Justin to keep this part of his life private.

When the usher brought us to the suite he reminded us there was a phone to call down if anything didn’t meet our expectations.  Chris tried his hardest to contain his excitement. Landon, on the other hand, had no problem admitting this was the coolest thing he’s ever done. He couldn’t hide that smile if he tried.  

Justin was already in the suite when we got in, drinking a bottle of beer and talking to the bartender. Yes, there’s a bartender in the suite. Chris and Landon ran right to the balcony, in awe of the view. 

“You made it,” Justin smiled as he made his way over to me.

“Yeah, are we late?”

“Nah, you’re good,” he pulled me into a hug, “How’s it going?”

“Good, we’re excited. They’re excited,” I nodded to the boys. 

“I see that,” he smiled, nervously placing his hands in his dark jeans, “You think uh, today will be a good day or what?”

“Well, Landon will be great,” I laughed, looking over at the boys, climbing over the seats, “Chris will probably still be quiet, but maybe you can figure out a way to talk to him on your own for a bit.”

Justin nodded his head and took another sip of his beer, I hate seeing him so nervous. When can we get to the part where both Justin and Chris feel normal around each other? I waved the boys over and Chris stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at his feet. I looked between Justin and Chris, both standing there awkwardly, with their hands in their pockets, then turned to Landon whose smiling face calmed me down and brought a smile to my own. 

“Landon, this is Justin, Chris’s father. Justin this is Landon, Chris’s best friend,” I had hoped Chris would do the introductions but I guess we’re not ready for that yet.

Justin cleared his throat and snapped out of the awkwardness. “Hey Landon, I’ve heard so much about you. Nice to meet you buddy,” he spoke with a big smile and held his hand out to shake. 

“Hi Mr. T, it’s nice to meet you too,” Landon answered politely. 

“Oh no, just call me Justin, alright?”

“OK,” he nodded his head and turned to Chris. 

“Hey Chris, how's it going?”

Chris shrugged instead of answering, I’m trying not to micromanage here but I’m definitely sending mental messages to my son to actually use his words.

Justin turned back to me, and the four of us stood in silence. 

“This is so cool,” Landon broke the silence, “I’ve never been in a box before. Thanks for letting me come, Mr. T.”

Justin chuckled, throwing his head back, “Yeah, no problem Landon. I’m glad you’re here, but please don’t call me Mr. T, I don’t have nearly enough gold chains. I pity the fool!”

I laughed, but the two boys looked at us as if we were crazy. I’m used to that look from Chris but I’ve never seen it from Landon. 

“Really?Mr. T? The gold chains?” Justin turned back to me, “God, we’re old. You guys really don’t know who Mr. T is?”

“Let it go, old man,” I smiled. 

“Yeah, right,” Justin chuckled and turned to look around the suite, “Well hey, thanks for coming. They’ll be bringing more food out throughout the night, but you can help yourselves to whatever you want. There’s drinks in those bins over there. Mac, full service bar. You can sit wherever you want, the game will be on the TVs around the suite but I mean, you could do that at home. The seats with the view are where it's at.” Justin waited for a few seconds, looking over the boys. Chris was still looking at the floor, and Landon still had that smile. 

“OK, well go get some food!” I said as I placed my hands on Chris’s shoulders, “Smile. Be happy. Have fun.”

Chris smiled shyly and followed Landon to the food table while I followed Justin to the bar. He handed me a tequila sunrise, my drink of choice back in the day.  

I chuckled as I took the glass from his outstretched hand, “I don’t think I can handle my tequila like I used to.”

Justin raised his eyebrow and gave me a half smile, “Who are you trying to kid? You couldn’t handle your tequila back then either. One drink won’t hurt, this is the good stuff. My tequila.”

“You have your own tequila?” I don’t know why I’m surprised, “Of course you have your own tequila.”

Justin chuckled as he watched me take a sip, “You knew that, remember when I saw you a few years ago—“

I nodded my head and spoke quickly so he wouldn’t continue talking about that time I saw him a few years ago, “You were thinking about it I didn’t know you did it.”

“Well I did it.”

“Of course you did.”

He smiled, “Good, right?”

“Yeah, really good. Very smooth.”

Once again, Justin gave me that half smile he has, “Always smooth.”

“Oh, here we go,” I rolled my eyes and turned to watch Chris fill a plate at the make your own nacho stand. 

Justin followed my gaze, then turned back to me, “How’s it going with him?” he asked, nodding towards our son.

“It’s good. He’s been busy though so…”

“Yeah,” Justin answered, staring into space, “I mean, did he seem excited to come or nervous or—?”

I watched Justin carefully, praying that his son was even the slightest excited to come tonight. He knows Chris isn’t excited to see him, but he’s hoping maybe he can win him over with his special celebrity benefits. This luxury box for a Lakers/Celtics game is a good first shot. 

“Um he, yeah he seemed excited,” I stumbled over my words. Justin nodded his head, fully understanding my sugarcoating. I wish I would have done a better job. “Justin, he’s excited to be here, this is great for him. He’s just not ready to show excitement with anything that has to do with you. He’ll come around.”

“Yeah, I know,” Justin answered softly, his eyes following Chris to the seats on the balcony. 

“But Chris is super impressed. Just look at how excited Landon is, Chris is at least that excited but trying not to show it. He’ll crack at some point, we’ll see a smile.”

Justin chuckled and grabbed a plate as I followed him through the nacho line. 

“This room is pretty impressive Justin, even for you. How’d you manage this?”

“My agent has the room, said I can have access whenever I want.”

“Your agent?” I coughed back a chuckle, “He must be super excited you decided to take us.”

“She,” he corrected me, raising an eyebrow, “I have a new agent since… all of that. She’d be happy ya’ll are here.”

“Does she know about—“

“She would be happy. If she knew.”

I nodded my head and piled on the nachos, not sure about how I should feel about this. I’m glad he’s not with the agents he had back when Chris was born. For a brief second I thought that maybe he had new agents that know everything about Chris and I. It’s really stupid of me to think that, even if it was only for a second. Justin lives two completely different lives, they don’t intersect. They can’t intersect. 

We made our way out to the balcony overlooking the stadium and sat down in the big, comfy chairs behind Chris and Landon. To be honest, I didn’t watch much of the game. Instead I watched Chris and Justin. They’re so much alike without even knowing it. I wish they’d notice, I wish either of them would pick up on it and then maybe they’d feel a little better, feel a little more connected instead of feeling like strangers. 

They both sat nervously, resting their elbows on their thighs, their fingers intertwined holding up their chins. They both leaned back with confidence when Kobe had the ball, and were at the edge of their seat when the Celtics stole it away. 

It’s weird how they can be so alike and yet know so little about each other. It’s amazing actually, it’s awesome. Someday they’re both going to realize it and then everything will be ok. 

I felt a little overwhelmed, sitting in a luxury box, looking over The Staples Center, with my son and his father. Together. Sure, they’re not exactly talking but they’re in the same room together. I never thought this day would come. 

Justin turned to me and flashed a smile. He gets it, he’s been waiting for these kinds of moments forever. It’s not going as easily as he’d like, but he’s happy with the slow progress we’re making. I watched the smile slide off his face when he noticed my eyes filling with water. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked in a whisper. 

I shook my head and smiled, “Nothing. It’s good.”

Justin smiled again and gently rubbed my leg to comfort me. Chris got out of the chair in front of Justin, who quickly took his hand off my lap. I laughed, realizing how panicked we both were with the idea of Chris seeing something so innocent. Justin chuckled and nodded towards Chris, before taking a deep breath and following him to the food. 

Landon turned around in the seat in front of me and smiled. 

“What’s up, Landon? Having fun?”

“Yeah, I’m having so much fun!” He hopped over the seat to sit next to me, “I like him. I think it’s cool.”

“Oh yeah?” I smiled, if Landon likes Justin, Chris will like him. That’s how it works. If Landon didn’t like him, then we’d have a problem.

“Yeah. He’s cool. My dad says it makes sense.”

“Why?”

“He says Justin used to be at your house a lot when you first moved in.”

I laughed. Justin and I thought we were so sneaky back then, only to find out Landon’s parents, who live a couple houses down the street, knew Justin was coming to my house all along.  “Did you tell that to Chris?”

“No,” Landon shook his head, “Dad said I shouldn’t.”

“Thanks, Landon. You’re all right.”

I want to try and get some more information out of Landon, specifically what Chris has told him about his father. Unfortunately, I have this thing about trusting my son and not violating his trust. So instead, we talk about his baby sister.

It was a ten minutes later when Chris came back to the balcony, arms full of Lakers merchandise: t-shirts, hoodies, backpacks, hats. I’m pretty sure I even saw a travel mug and a blanket.

“What did you—?” I began. 

Chris ignored me and sat down next to Landon, going through the pile and handing him one of everything. Chris was smiling, I didn’t miss that. 

When Justin made his way back to us I tried again, “What did you—?”

“Oh relax, I got you one, too!” he smiled and tossed me a sweatshirt. 

“Justin,” I answered calmly, “You don’t have to buy him—“

“He’s smiling. And he talked to me, for like five minutes straight.”

“Because you bought him one of everything!”

“I’ll take it,” Justin chuckled, “He was smiling and he talked to me. I’ll take it, Mac.”

“Yeah, OK,” I watched Chris going through his new things with excitement, smiling and laughing, finally acting like himself. “But please don’t buy him stuff all the time.”

“I won’t,” Justin held his hands up, “If it’s that big of a deal give me the sweatshirt back.”

I pulled it out of his reach, “No, it’s cute.”

“Yeah, it’s cute,” Justin chuckled with an eye roll as he placed his newly bought hat on his head, “So stop complaining.”

September 2000

That day with Justin’s mother was easily the worst day of my life. I had never been treated like that, like a piece of trash, and I didn’t know how to react. I knew it wouldn’t go well, but I never even imagined it could go as horrible as it did. I wish I stood up for myself, I wish I would have screamed back at her. Now she probably thinks she can walk all over me and scare me away. 

It’s kind of funny that I thought the hard part was over once we told Justin’s mother I was pregnant. Funny in the sense that I was so stupid and naive, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into.

A few days after the worst day of my life I received an official looking letter in the mail. It was typed on legal letterhead and requested I meet with Justin’s lawyers and management to discuss “the situation”. I was surprised at the formal request, but not as surprised as Justin was when I opened it with him sitting next to me on the couch. It was at that moment I realized how out of our control this whole “situation” really is. 

Luckily, my father happens to be one of the best lawyers in Los Angeles. He wasn’t at all surprised when I immediately drove to my parents house and showed him the letter.  

The day of the meeting, I sat next to my father in his Mercedes as he drove to Justin’s house. I had no idea what to expect, but I prayed Justin’s mother wouldn’t be there. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but having my father there on my side made me feel much better. 

I nervously snapped my gum.

“Enough with the gum, Mackenzie.”

I accidentally snapped my gum one more time and received a glare from my father, “Sorry, it was an accident.” I rolled down the window and tossed the gum out. 

“An accident?” he took a deep breath, “There’s no need to be nervous. I know what I’m doing.”

“I know you do.”

“That being said, don’t agree to anything without discussing it with me first. Let me do all the talking.”

I nodded my head and bit at my lip, trying to mentally prepare for the debacle that was ahead of me. All I know is I’m going to be surrounded my intimidating men in suits who don’t even know me but are going to have no problem passing judgements. Justin’s no help either, all he does is say how much he loves me and that we should just get married. I don’t know how he thinks that will fix anything. He can be so naive sometimes.

My father has taken this whole thing relatively well, all things considered. He’s definitely not excited to be a grandfather, but he’s been so focused on this meeting I think he’s actually come to terms with it. He’s made it clear that I will be finishing college, and that’s his biggest concern. Of course I’m finishing college. My mother, on the other hand, still won’t talk to me. 

As we pulled into Justin’s driveway my father stopped the car and turned over to me, “Listen, Mackenzie, I want you to understand that this might be difficult, but it is out of Justin’s control. Whatever solution we come up with today may not be exactly what you want to hear, but I promise we’re going to make sure it’s fair. You know Justin isn’t a normal twenty year old, and there are a lot of things that he has to consider that a normal twenty year old wouldn’t have to. He has a lot on his plate, a lot of people rely on him. Justin has some really hard decisions he’s going to have to make, and honestly he may not have much of a choice when it comes down to it. I just want you to prepare yourself, prepare for the worst. Alright, sweetie?”

“Was that supposed to be a pep talk?” I leaned back and took a deep breath.

He chuckled and kissed my forehead, “We’ll have discussions today, we don’t have to agree to anything. Don’t sign anything without me, in fact don’t sign anything at all. We’ll spend some time thinking about whatever we need to think about. You have to realize this is going to be more like a business transaction than anything else. A lot of people have a lot of money riding on Justin’s success,” he paused like he was waiting for a response, I’m not sure what I’ms supposed to say.  He offered a calming smile, “Got it, Big Mac?”

“Don’t call me that,” I whined, “Seriously dad, that’s like the worst thing you could call me.”

He chuckled again and grabbed his briefcase before getting out of the car. I followed him to the door where he rang the doorbell. I gave him a weird look as I opened it and walked inside. 

There were three men in suits sitting on couches in the living room. I didn’t recognize any of them, and they didn’t seem to even notice we were there. Justin’s mother was siting at the far end of the living room, I quickly turned the other way. 

“Hi,” Justin quickly came from the other room and kissed me gently, “I’m so sorry abut all of this,” he turned to my father, “Mr. C, I’m really sorry. This isn’t my— I don’t even know what’s—“

“It’s alright Justin, try to relax,” my father calmly placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder. 

Justin took a deep breath as three more men in suits, and a woman came into the room. Then Justin’s manager came into the room, one of the few faces I actually recognized. 

We went into the dining room and sat down around the large table. My father and I sat next to each other at the head of the table, surrounded by fifteen lawyers, agents, publicists, managers, record company executives, and of course Justin’s parents, who all seemed to be shooting daggers at me. We were seriously outnumbered. Justin’s mother called for her son to sit next to her, at the opposite end of the table from me, but Justin ignored her completely and pulled a chair up next to me. 

“Let’s get started, shall we?” one of the men began. 

“Do you want some water? Let me get you some water,” Justin stood up and went into the kitchen before I could tell him not to. I think he’s more nervous than I am, and it’s only making me freak out more. 

When he came back into the room he placed a bottle of water in front of my father and one in front of me. He nervously licked his lips and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans before reaching under the table to grab my hand. 

“OK Justin, are we ready?”

Justin swallowed hard and nodded his head. 

“As you’re well aware, Mr. Cole, we have a bit of a situation on our hands. We need to get it under control immediately. If anything were to get out to the public, to Justin’s fans, it would be a complete disaster. Therefore, we need to take the required steps to assure that does not happen. As a team, we’ve discussed possible solutions and are open to your input.”

My father nodded his head, “Let’s hear it.”

I looked over at Justin, sitting on my right, and tried to comprehend how they were calling my pregnancy a “situation”. He sat nervously looking at his hands. 

“As you know,” he man continued, “Mr. Timberlake is in a very unique situation. He is in the public eye in a world famous boyband, he has many young fans who have posters of him on their walls. This situation can, and will, ruin his career.”

“That’s not true,” Justin spoke up, still looking at his hands in his lap, “That doesn’t have to be true.”

“Justin, let us handle this,” one of the other men said. 

“Why don’t we start with a few of the options we’ve come up with?” yet another man began,  “The first option, the safest option, would be an abortion.”

“WHAT?” Justin and I both shouted together.

“No, absolutely not,” I continued, in shock that they would even suggest that. How can they possibly even suggest that? How dare they think they can tell me what to do with a baby growing inside of my body. 

“Are you out of your mind?” Justin finally looked up, “You’re out of your fucking mind.”

“OK, relax. We’re just throwing out the options,” the first man continued, “Adoption is another option.”

I shook my head and felt my eyes begin to water. 

“Mackenzie is keeping the baby. That’s not up for debate. Don’t waste our time with stupid suggestions. ” my father spoke up, “Do you have any serious options or are we just going to leave””

“Alright, let’s talk about some other options,” a balding, heavyset man began,  “First of all, it goes without saying that everything is dependent on a paternity test. Given the results state that Justin is, in fact, the father, this is what we’re willing to do. A gag order will be signed, and Ms. Cole will get a generous stipend for keeping her mouth shut and everything out of the media. Along with the stipend, Ms. Cole will receive an agreed upon monthly child support, that is up for discussion. The world will not know about this, and as long as it stays that way, Ms. Cole will be rewarded financially,” he paused and looked at the papers in front of him, “The conditions, of course besides the gag order, are that the relationship between Ms. Cole and Mr. Timberlake will terminate. There will be no contact. Mr. Timberlake will have no part in the raising of this child. They will go their separate ways and live their lives as if none of this ever happened.”

“What? No,” Justin shouted, “We didn’t discuss this, this isn't happening. I never agreed to any of this,” he turned to me and my father, “I never heard this before, this isn’t what I want. I swear to God, I didn’t agree to this.”

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t process the idea of dropping all communication with Justin, never mind the idea of my child growing up without any knowledge of his or her father.  I turned to my father, waiting for him to say something to fix it all. 

He placed his hand on mine to stop me from shaking, “And if we’re not willing to do that?”

“Well, that wouldn’t be your smartest move, Mr. Cole. The final option is that Mr. Timberlake will deny any involvement with your daughter. We will treat the whole situation as fiction, that Ms. Cole is looking for money and to take advantage of a young celebrity. These kinds of things happen frequently, Mr. Cole, I know you’re aware of that. Any tests you claim to have will be proven incorrect, and we will make sure that Mr. Timberlake is in no way linked to Ms. Cole.”

“What? What is happening?” Justin ran his hands through his hair, “You know I’m the one that got her pregnant, right? You know we’re together, we’re in love. I’m not going to just walk away and drop all contact with her. I’m not going to just forget I have a kid.  You’re all out of your fucking minds, you know that, right?”

“Mr. Timberlake will pay a generous amount of child support,” the man continued, as if Justin wasn’t even in the room, “Enough for Ms. Cole to have the help she needs, being it a nanny or what have you. She’ll be able to finish college and still afford to pay the bills. We’ll discuss the specifics.”

“No. Why are you still talking?” Justin shouted as he stood up and started pacing around, “Come up with another solution, cause this isn’t it.”

“Justin sit down!” his mother scolded, “I am not going to sit back and let this whore ruin your life.”

“Excuse me?” my father stood up, ready to pounce, “You know Mackenzie is my daughter, correct?”

“You know she tricked my son into getting her pregnant, correct?”

“I will not sit here and allow you to talk to my daughter, my client like that. It is clear you do not know my daughter, nor do you know your own son. Because if you did, you would understand that these are two kids who fell in love and made some mistakes. We are not going to point fingers or blame one of them over the other. They both made the decision together, and they will both suffer the consequences.”

“You don’t know my boy,” Justin’s mother continued, “I’m not going to sit here and pretend this whole thing isn’t just part of her plan. She shouldn’t get anything. We shouldn’t be paying her, that’s what she wants!”

“Stop! My god would you stop?” Justin shouted, “You are all our of your minds, no one is even listening to me. This is my life. It’s not about a fucking record deal. It’s between Mac and me, that’s it. We get a say. Why are ya’ll acting like what we want doesn’t even matter?” he grabbed onto my arm, ”Come on, we don’t need to sit here and listen to this bullshit. Ya’ll can come up with something that isn’t absolutely ridiculous or you’ll let us deal with this on our own.”

It was a pleasant surprise that he stood up for himself like that, I know it’s not easy for him. I’m not stupid enough to think that actually means we have any control over any of this, but it does make me feel a little better. Justin led me outside and we sat in silence by the infinity pool looking over the Hollywood Hills.

“I’m so sorry about all this,” he spoke up softly. 

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s completely my fault. If I didn’t do all this, if I was a normal guy, none of this would even—“

“If only you were Michael from Kentucky,” I broke in with a smile. 

“If only,” he smiled before putting his arm around me and kissing my forehead, “I love you, Mac.”

“I love you.”

“That’s all that matters.”

I rested my head on his shoulder, trying to hold back the tears. It’s not all that matters, and when he says stuff like that it really scares me. There are so many other things that matter, and he’s living in a fairy tale if he doesn’t get that.

“Let’s run away,” I offered.

He coughed back a laugh, “Where we going?”

“Disneyland.”

“OK,” he chuckled, “I was thinking more like a deserted island somewhere but sure, we could go down the street to Disney.’

“We can hide in the castle, they’ll never find us there.”

As I looked out at the city below us, I felt everything beginning to slip away. I knew it would never be the same between us. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, the truth was neither of us had any control over this pregnancy.

“Ready, Mackenzie?” I looked up to see my father standing behind us. I nodded my head and stood up.

Justin jumped up, “Mr. C, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what they’re trying to do.”

“You need to talk to your lawyers, Justin,” my father answered calmly,  “You need to help them figure this out, you can’t just expect them to have your best interests at heart. They won’t. They care about money, they don’t care about your feelings,” he turned to me, “Let’s go, Mackenzie.”

“I can take you home,” Justin grabbed onto my arm to stop me from walking away, “I can take you home later.”

“I have to go.” I answered calmly, wrapping my arms over his shoulders and kissing him gently. 

“I’ll call you later,” he promised as he followed my father and I to the car, “I am sorry, Mr. C.”

“Talk to your lawyers, Justin.”

My father and I drove away in silence. My brain was working overtime trying to figure my life out. I’m not stupid, I know this isn’t possibly going to work out the way we want it to. 

“Where are you going, kiddo?” 

“Home,” I answered softly as my father turned off the highway at the exit to my parent’s house. 

When we walked into the house my mother was busy getting dinner ready in the kitchen, “How’d it go?” she asked before looking up. When she did, in fact, look up and see I was there, she turned her back to me and moved to the sink. 

My mother still hates me. 

I really need my mother to stop hating me.

I slowly made my way into the kitchen, trying desperately to hold it together. 

“It’s been a tough day,” my father answered, placing his briefcase on the couch as he took off his jacket and loosened his tie, “She needs her mother. Jacqueline, your daughter needs her mother.”

I stood behind my mother and slowly wrapped my arms around her, resting my chin on her shoulder. She let out a sigh and turned around, grabbing my head in her hands. My mother kissed my forehead before hugging me tightly, causing me to let loose and cry in her arms. 

“It’s going to be alright Mackenzie, it’s all going to be work out. Sit down, I’ll make us some tea.”

My mother making me tea is her way of saying she’s ready to talk to me again. She’s finally ready to stop punishing me for my horrible mistakes and is going to help me get through it. I need my mother, I need her advice and she’s one of the few people that can make me feel better.

The doorbell rang and my father came out of his office to answer the door. He looked back at my mother and I, wondering if either of us was expecting anyone. He let out a noticeable sigh when he opened the door to see Justin standing in front of him. 

“Justin, I think Mackenzie needs some time to talk to her mother.”

Justin bit at his lip and nodded his head, looking into the kitchen then back at my father, “I’m actually here to see you, Mr. C. Do you have a minute?”

“It’s not really a good time.”

“I understand, I didn’t know Mac would be here,” he answered softly, nervously running his hands through his hair as he looked at his feet.

“What is it that you need?”

Justin swallowed hard and licked his lips before speaking, “Remember when we first met? You said you were sure there’s a line of people waiting to take advantage of me and you'd help me out if they were? I know they are, and I know you can’t be my lawyer but I’d really appreciate some advice,” he paused to catch his breath, “I really don’t know what to do and I don’t think any of my people care about what’s best for me, they’re just focused on the money and I know you can’t tell me what to do but maybe you could recommend someone or explain some options that I have or—“

“Alright,” my father broke in and placed a hand on Justin’s shoulder, “Come into my office.”

March 2014 

When I was growing up, I used to be friends with a girl named Michelle. She was one of my best friends, until we turned into teenagers. Something happened to her, one day she’d be the fun girl I knew and the next she would be moody and straight out mean. When she was in a good mood, she was so fun. But god when she was in her bad mood, stay away! Kelly and I used to joke that we never knew what we were getting, the “Good Michelle” or the “Bad Michelle”. 

I know now that she was going through her moody teenage years and to be fair, Kelly and I were probably going through them as well but we just always understood each other. Anyway, the point of my story is that my dear, sweet, son has reached his moody teenage years. It’s almost as if it happened overnight. We now have a “Good Chris” and a “Bad Chris”. 

Unfortunately, these past few days the “Bad Chris” must have locked the “Good Chris” in a room somewhere because this kid has been such a pain in the ass I don’t even know what to do anymore. 

After spending the night at the Lakers, I really thought we made some progress. But now, Chris hardly even talks to me and he sure won’t talk to me about his father. I’m afraid to ask because every time I even look in the wrong direction he gets mad at me. I can’t even breathe without it being a problem. I can’t be an annoying mother, I’m still too young and cool for that!

Now it’s Saturday morning and Justin is on his way over. We planned to go on a hike because Chris loves hikes and the two of them still need to get to know each other. Justin said he tried texting and calling Chris but he never heard back. I assured him it was the “Bad Chris” and he shouldn’t take it personally, but we’d love to go. 

I should have known better.

“Chris! Come on!” I called up the stairs before pouring my coffee into a travel mug. He’s going to ignore me, just like he did when I went into his room and had to literally shake him awake.

A knock on the front door made me jump, “Christopher William, I swear to god if you do not get down here I’m putting all your birthday money into your college fund. Go ahead, test me!”

I opened the door and let out a sigh. 

“Hey,’ Justin greeted me with a smile, “Everything ok?”

I nodded my head and forced a smile,  pulling my long blonde hair into a messy bun, “He’s driving me absolutely crazy,” I whispered to Justin as he pulled me into a hug.

“Having a good morning, I see,” he chuckled, fixing the brim of his gray baseball cap. 

Instead of answering I offered a sarcastic smile and stopped at the stairs, “Christopher William, get down—!”

“I’m. Down,” my son called from the kitchen. I took a deep breath and walked in to see him leaning against the refrigerator, still wearing his pajama pants.

“Hey Chris, how’s it going?” Justin asked with a smile as he sat down at the counter. 

Chris opened the refrigerator door and stuck his head inside instead of even acknowledging Justin’s presence. 

This is going to be fun. 

I took a deep breath and poured Justin a cup of coffee, “Chris, Justin said good morning.”

My new, obnoxious son turned around and stuck a piece of bagel into his mouth. He pointed to his full mouth, as if that was an excuse as to why he wasn’t speaking. As if there’s ever been an excuse for him not to speak with his mouth fun.

I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him the evil eye, “We’ll wait.”

He took his time chewing and gave me a smart smile before finally speaking with obvious fake excitement,“Good morning, Justin. So nice to see you.”

Justin let out an awkward chuckle as he looked between the two of us, “Yeah, nice to see you too.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, “Are you almost ready?”

“For what?”

“Chris, I am honestly losing every ounce of patience with you. Please just go get dressed so we can go for a hike.”

“Right, yeah. Sounds like fun and stuff but I can’t. Landon’s father got tickets to the X-Games. ”

“What? No. You can’t just tell me that, you have to ask me. I’m your mother, these things go through me first. You have to ask me.”

“Fine, can I go with Landon?”

“No, we’re going on a hike.”

“Come on Mom, I don’t want to go on a stupid hike,” he whined, “We can go on a hike any day and the X Games are only here—“

“You love going on hikes,” I broke in to stop the whining

“So, that doesn’t mean I always want to go. I like skateboarding better.”

“Justin came all the way here to go on a hike. I’ll take you to the X-Games tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to go,” he whined again. He turned to Justin for the first time and then quickly back to me, “Can we just… Mom? Can we talk over…?

Justin noticed the awkwardness and stood up, grabbing his phone from his pocket, “I have make a call. Outside. Sorry.”

I laughed to myself at how awkward these two are, and watched Justin make his way out the sliding glass door and pretend to talk on the phone as he paced around the pool. 

Chris hopped up on the counter, “Mom please, I don’t want to go. It’s like I have to see him all the time now and I really don’t want to see him all the time. I just saw him.”

“That was last week and you were with Landon the whole night.”

“I talked to him, you said I should talk to him and I did.”

“The more you talk to him the easier it will be.”

“Moooom,” he growled, “Why do we have to see him every weekend? And for a whole day? I need a break! Why can’t he just like come over for dinner on a Wednesday or something? Then he can’t stay long cause I have practice and then homework and school the next day.”

I bit my lip to stop it from quivering. I knew things were awkward but I didn’t think Chris felt that way. I can’t believe he feels this way. He’s supposed to be excited to see his father, it’s not supposed to be a chore. 

“Chris, he’s…”

“I promise I’ll talk to him later I just really want to go to the X Games. It’s not fair to punish me just because he wants to go on a stupid hike. Why can’t we go tomorrow?”

“I’m not punishing you,” I answered quickly, the last thing I want is for him to think of spending time with Justin as a punishment. 

“Then how about if I go with Landon and then you go on the hike and when you get back and I get back we can go to dinner or something, I’ll have dinner with him.”

I licked my lips and looked out at Justin, still pacing around the pool and pretending to talk on the phone. “Chris, I don’t want you to think of spending time with your father as some sort of punishment. This is a good thing. I know it’s weird now, but you have to get to know him and then things will be easier.”

“Fine, but can’t I get to know him after the X-Games?”

I let out a sigh, “He came all the way here.”

“So who cares? He doesn’t live that far away, you said so yourself. You can go with him.”

“Maybe if you answered your texts he wouldn’t have come all the way here,” I answered softly and looked out at Justin who was still pacing around. I caught his eye and waved him in, “You have to apologize to him for making him come out here and ask him if he’ll let us take him to dinner instead.”

Chris began to object but stopped when Justin came back inside. 

“Hey, sorry about that. I had a call,” he held his phone up for emphasis. 

I looked at Chris, he looked at me. I widened my eyes, and Chris took a deep breath before beginning, “I’m sorry but I forgot that Landon’s father got tickets to the X-Games last night. For today.” 

I smiled, he’s so cute. He can’t even speak right. 

“So I’m going to go with them. Sorry that you had to come out here. Do you want to get dinner with us instead?”

Justin looked at me as if this were some kind of a trick. I nodded and in turn, Justin nodded, “Uh, yeah man, that’s cool. I’m happy with dinner.”

Chris finally smiled. 

“You better be home by five. And you’re going to be a little angel and no more moody Chris. Get all the miserable out of the way at the X Games and then come home and be happy. Got it?”

“Got it,” Chris smirked and gave me a quick hug. Sure, it was a small, weak hug but it was a hug and I haven’t had one of those from him in awhile. 

“Call me when you get there, and when you’re on your way home. Make sure you answer your phone!”

“Ma, I know the drill. I’m home alone all the time.”

“Do you really need to talk back to me about everything?” I pulled him closer and kissed his forehead, “Bye.”

“Bye Ma, have fun. Bye Justin.”

Chris was upstairs before either of us could even answer. I let out a sigh and sat next to Justin. 

He chuckled, “Hey, he said bye to me. That’s progress. You ready?”

“You still want to go?”

“Yeah, why not? I’m here.”

I feel really bad about how Chris has been acting. I know it’s difficult for him, but Justin has been waiting so  long for this and it’s become quite the disaster. 

“I’m really sorry about Chris, I don’t know what’s gotten into him,” I said on the drive to the canyon. 

“Mac, I’ve been gone his whole life. It’s going to take some time for him to want to talk to me. It sucks. It really fucking sucks, but I’m happy just to be able to see him. He can’t hate me forever.”

“You’d be surprised,” I answered with a smile

“Thanks, that helps.”

“He’s just changed into this miserable brat basically over night. I mean, it makes sense that he’s like that around you, but he’s been such a terror to me too.”

Justin looked concerned, “I’m sorry, Mac. I know I’m making this difficult for you. You guys had everything figured out then I just popped up and complicated everything.”

“No, I’m not blaming you. I mean, it sucks, and it’s totally all your fault,” I smiled, elbowing him as he drove, “but it’ll be worth it. Chris will get over this and realize how good it is to have you around. He’s also a thirteen year old boy and going though all the normal crap a thirteen year old goes through. He’ll grow out of it soon. I think you guys just need to spend more time together.”

“Yeah, I need to take him somewhere fun. We need to do something he wants to do, even if it is with me.”

“Well I thought that was going for a hike.”

“Maybe I could get him to play ball with Kobe.”

“Pull out the big guns, huh?” I asked with a chuckle, god that escalated quickly. “I think maybe you shouldn’t try to impress him with Kobe Bryant, at least not yet. Save that for a last resort.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Justin smiled as he pulled into a parking spot, “I’ll hold on to that one.”

“Well, I for one, am happy you’re around. Chris is too, he just has a funny way of showing it.”

“I’m happy I’m around, too. I just can’t wait for him to stop hating me.”

“I don’t think he hates you,” I laughed as I climbed out of the car. 

The parking lot was surprisingly empty except for a few random cars. Of course Justin knows the little trails that no one else does. I’ve never been here before, but it’s kind of nice not to have to worry about someone seeing us.  

As we began our hike, I noticed Justin was abnormally quiet. He seemed distant, like he had a lot on his mind. Of course he does.  I decided to let him keep to himself, knowing he’ll talk if/when he wants to. 

We continued the hike in silence, it wasn’t until we were almost up the canyon when he first took his eyes off the ground and actually made eye contact with me. I offered a friendly smile, he smiled back. 

“So do you, uh, should we,” he spoke softly before finishing the question as if it were one word, “do-you-wanna-talk-about-Kate?”

This is it. It’s happening. This is the part where he’s going to tell me about how happy and in love he is with this supermodel slash famous actress. This is the part where I have to listen to him tell me how he’s never felt this way about anyone else and he finally feels like maybe everything else in his life was worth it because he finally found his soul mate. And I’ll just stand here, trying desperately not to break down and cry in front of him because, the truth, he’s that person to me. 

I thought I was over him and maybe in some ways I was, but now that he’s here and Chris knows him, all those feelings are coming back. I know it can’t work out between us, I know it won’t work. I know it’s the furthest thing on his mind because he’s happily engaged to a supermodel. But seeing him, not in secret, and with Chris it makes me think of what could have been. If things went differently. If I married him when he asked. If we were a family. 

Please god, help me keep my cool while he tells me all about this girl he’s going to marry. Please help me to pretend it doesn’t bother me even in the slightest that he’s moved on and is getting married. Married. And I’ll just continue lying to myself and pretend that I’m happy for him, so happy that he’s been able to move on with his life and marry a supermodel. Meanwhile, I manage to ruin every relationship I ever have because all I do is compare everyone to Justin. No one is Justin. Matt wasn’t Justin, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s something that I need to come to terms with and stop thinking that the fairy tale will work out. It won’t. It can’t. Life isn’t a fairy tale.

“Mac?” Justin spoke again and I nervously nodded my head. Great, Justin only asked if I wanted to talk about her and I’ve already failed to keep my cool. “Let’s uh, take a break?” he nodded towards a bench and I followed, nervously sitting down next to him. 

He took a few deep breaths, looking out at the view of the city below us. I snuck a glance at him, then quickly turned back to the view. 

Justin took one more deep breath, puckering his lips as he exhaled, “Alright, I just… it’s so awkward to talk about this with you. I mean we haven’t talked about it and I guess maybe we should. I mean—”

“You don’t have to feel awkward about it,” I spoke up to stop his rambling, “It’s been thirteen years since we—“

He raised an eyebrow, noticeably relaxing after I spoke, “Thirteen years, huh?”

“Ten years,” I corrected myself.

Justin coughed back a laugh as he took a sip from his water bottle and looked around, “You know no one’s here, right? It’s just you and me.”

“Yeah.”

“So why you gotta pretend it’s been ten fucking years?”

“Eight years.”

“Five,” he corrected me, “It’s been five years, Mackenzie.”

“Well yeah, if you count…”

“Of course I count… don't you count…?”

“Well not really,” I answered honestly.

It was one night, five years ago. I was pressured into starting to date again by my parents and Kelly and basically everyone I came in contact with. So, I went out with this total Hollywood guy who for some strange reason thought it would be a good idea to take an almost thirty year-old mother of a eight year-old to the opening of a hot new Hollywood club. I was having a horrible time, listening to… I don’t even remember his name, drop names like no one’s business. 

Then I noticed Justin, on the edge of the dance floor, dancing around and having the time of his life. I turned back to, I think it was Tim… or maybe Jim, it doesn’t matter. I hadn’t seen Justin in years but seeing him that night, smiling and laughing like he’s never been as happy as he was at that moment, made it impossible for me to keep my eyes off him. 

When he saw me he walked right towards me, but I quickly excused myself and met him at the bar. He ordered me a shot of tequila, a new brand he was thinking of investing in, and we caught up like we’d never been apart. 

He asked me what I was doing there, and when I told him he managed to convince me to ditch Jim (or Tim) and spend the night with him. I told Jim/Tim I had to get home and literally hid behind Justin until he left the club. Justin wrapped his arms around me tightly, and we stood there in the middle of the club, without a care in the world.

I was a little tipsy, as was Justin, but when he leaned down and kissed me in the middle of the club I felt like we were the only ones there and we were back to where we were ten years before. Except this time we were in public, surrounded by the kind of people we always had to hide from. And for once, he didn’t care.

We didn’t stay long and went back to his house. By the time we got there our buzz had worn off and we realized what was happening, but we still didn’t care. We made out, we made love, then we talked. We talked about our son, about what had been happening in our lives, about everything. Then we made out and made love again. 

The next morning I woke up fully prepared to feel guilty, like I’d done something incredibly wrong. But I didn’t. I felt like maybe, for once, I actually did something incredibly right. Then the reality set in that it wasn’t real, it couldn’t work. After spending the entire day together I went to my parents to pick up Chris then went home, once again with a broken heart. 

How many times can one heart break?

I don’t count those days because I don’t like to think about it. When I do think about it, I get ridiculously angry because I thought that maybe we had actually figured it out. I thought that maybe things had changed and all the madness surrounding Justin was no longer a problem. But most of all, I don’t count those days because I found out a few weeks later that he was dating Kate. 

It was stupid of me to think that time had changed anything. I should have known better, but when it comes to Justin I always think there’s going to be a time when all the other shit doesn’t matter. I know how dumb it is for me to have thought that, I have since realized it will never happen. I realized that long before I found out he’s engaged. But it still hurts to think about it.

“Not really?” Justin asked snapping me back to reality, “How do you not really count that?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, surprised he’s getting so upset about it.  “I mean it was one night and there was tequila…”

“Oh for fucks sake Mac,” he leaned forward and ran his hands through his hair, not letting me finish “Sure, it was one night, and the whole next day and don’t use tequila as an excuse. There was, maybe, a shot of tequila, but we were completely sober by the time we got to my house and you know that.”

I looked out at the view below us and refused to turn to him, even when I felt his gaze on me. 

Justin took a deep breath before continuing, “Look, I know I started dating Kate right after that and I don’t, I just want you to know that I wasn’t with her that night. I didn’t even know her then. So I don’t want you to think that I…”

“OK,” I answered softly.

“Mac,” he spoke like I was being scolded. 

“Justin,” I turned to look at him and answered in a similar tone. 

“It just started out as a publicity thing, ya’know? It was a good story, sell some magazines. She had a movie coming out, I had an album. Then things started getting real and… here we are.”

“How romantic,” I answered sarcastically, regretting I said that aloud before I even finished.

Justin coughed back a laugh, “Smoke and mirrors.”

“Your mother must be happy.” I can’t believe I’m saying these things, I can’t help it. I’m being so bitchy and obnoxious and I don’t even realize it until it’s too late.

“Yeah, you know her. She loves Kate.”

I nodded my head, “that’s good.” I hope that sounded sincere. 

Justin bit his bottom lip and nodded his head, “You know what’s weird? I asked you to marry me… how many times? At least a hundred, right? You always said no. I asked her once and she said yes.”

I prayed Justin couldn’t hear my heart beating rapidly in my throat, “That’s a good thing. It means it’s right.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he nodded his head before turning to me, “it felt right with you too, though.”

I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would break down so I only answered in a whisper, “we were teenagers.”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded his head, “Yeah, we were.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, finally speaking to break the silence, “What does she think of Chris?”

He didn’t answer right away, this is probably the easiest part of the conversation we’ve had so I don’t know what’s taking him so long, “Justin, you told her about Chris, right?”

“It hasn’t really… come up.”

“You have to tell her!”

“I know, I know. I will.”

“You really have to. It’s not going to just come up you have to tell her. Where does she think you’ve been all this time?”

He shrugged, “She’s in Vancouver working on a film.”

“I know that you’re used to having these two different lives.  Chris and I are usually this secret life that you don’t tell anyone about, but you’re going to marry her. And you’re going to be in Chris’s life, you’re not going to leave him again.”

“No, of course not.”

“So you need to tell her. It’s a big deal.”

“I know, I will.”

“Seriously. Like soon.”

“Yes ma’am,” he answered with a smile. I can’t believe he hasn’t even told his fiancé. He doesn’t tell his new agent, he doesn’t tell his fiancé. I’m pretty sure there’s only like four people in his life that know about Chris. 

Justin took a sip of his water before turning to me, “So, what’s going on with you and that guy? What’s his name, Matt?”

I nodded my head and stood up, “Yeah, we’re not together anymore. Ready to go on?”

“Yeah, sure,” Justin chuckled as he stood up, “As soon as we start talking about you you’re ready to run away.”

“I’m not running away, I’m ready to keep walking. There’s not much to talk about, we broke up.”

“What happened?”

“It didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?”

“We didn’t. “

“OK,” he chuckled again, “you’re great with the details.”

When I get myself into awkward situations I tend to try to escape them. I also do my best to escape conversations I don’t want to have. This is most definitely a conversation I don’t want to have, especially with Justin. The only thing on my mind was getting away from the conversation, no matter what. I didn’t even notice a hole in the path and twisted my ankle. A normal person would just twist their ankle. But not me. 

I lost my balance and fell off the path and down the rocky hill.

The next thing I remembered was waking up at the base of the hill with Justin standing over me, catching his breath, “Shit. Are you alright? Mac?”

I tried to lift my left arm to block the sun but it wouldn’t move, so I lifted my right, “I’m…yeah… did I just…?

“Yeah, you just fell down the fucking canyon. Are you alright?”

I tried to sit up but failed, god it hurt so much. Instead I looked up at the hill, “It’s not really a canyon, it’s more of a hill.”

“A hill made of rocks,” Justin answered, “Or a canyon.”

“A canyon has steep cliffs, I didn’t fall down a cliff.”

“It’s still steep, it’s not a cliff but it’s steep,” he shook his head to clear his thoughts, “It doesn’t matter, why are we talking about this? Are you ok? Can you move? I’ll call an ambulance,” he reached for his cell phone and then stuffed it back in his pocket, “No reception. Shit.”

“I’m fine. I’m totally fine. Just help me up.”

Justin looked around for some kind of help. Of course, we’re at the hidden park no one except him knows about so there wasn’t anyone around. “I really think I should call—“

“Justin, I’m absolutely fine. I’m a nurse, trust me. Just help me up.”

He reluctantly helped me up, realizing he didn’t have any other options. I almost fell down again but he caught me, “You’re not ok.”

“My arm is broken and my leg might be too. You’re going to have to take me to the hospital.”

“How’s your head?” he asked, reaching towards my forehead, “You’ve got a big knot.”

“I can’t feel my—“ the earth was spinning but Justin caught me and quickly picked me up, “I think I need to go to the hospital.”

“Yeah, I think you need to go to the hospital. Christ Mac, you’re really giving me a workout today,” he chuckled as he carried me up the trail.

“I can probably walk if you just—“

I must have passed out again because the next think I knew I was laying in the back of Justin’s Escalade as he drove frantically, “Why am I back here?”

Justin looked into the rearview mirror as he continued driving, weaving in and out of the lanes, “You passed out. You really need to stay awake Mac, you might have a concussion.”

“I obviously have a concussion but that’s a medical myth. It’s actually good to sleep when you have a concussion.”

“I would believe you in a normal situation, but I’d rather we not test that theory right now.”

“It’s not a theory, it’s a fact. When you have a concussion your brain needs to rest. My brain needs to rest, Justin.”

“Cool, well let’s let your brain rest when we get to the hospital.”

“Why am I laying down? I don’t need to lay down,” I tried to sit up but it didn’t work.

“Can you do me a favor and just sit still? We’re almost there.”

“How can I sit still when I’m laying down?” he’s getting annoyed with me but it’s a serious question. I don’t feel any pain, I should be sitting up.  “Which hospital are you taking me to?”

“We’re right down the road from Hollywood Community.”

“No, you’re out of your mind. Do not take me there. Take me to my hospital.”

“Cedars-Sinai is on the other side of town, we’re right here.”

“Justin, Hollywood Community is a complete dump. Trust me, I’m going to have to stay for a few days and I’m going to be completely miserable. Cedars is like ten minutes away. Please. The doctors know me so they’ll take better care of me. I promise this isn’t a life or death situation.”

“Fine,” he answered, glancing back at me every few seconds, “But you have to stay awake.”

“I am so wide awake. Talk to me Justin, tell me a story.”

He laughed, “I don’t know what to tell you, kid.”

“It’s so weird laying in the back of your Escalade.”

“Yeah, brings back memories, huh?”

I laughed, “We never had sex in the back of your Escalade!”

“I did not say that!” he laughed, turning back at me as we stopped at a red light, “Besides, I didn’t have the Escalade back then.”

“Yeah, it was the Lexus.”

“Your memory is on point,” I could see his sly smile in the mirror. 

“Even when I’m concussed.”

“Even when you’re concussed,” he agreed as he pulled up to the emergency entrance of the hospital and helped me out of the car. I was put into a wheelchair and pushed quickly through the hospital, “Can you call my brat of a son, please?”

“Yeah,of course,” Justin said as he jogged to catch up with me, “Should I go get him?”

“No, just tell him I’m ok and not to worry. If he wants to come you can get him, but he doesn’t have to come.”

“OK,” he grabbed onto my hand, “Then I’ll come find you.”

“OK, then come find me,” I answered reaching my hand out to hold his as long as I could. 

September 2000

The room was cold. Like, freezing cold. Like, abnormally freezing cold to the point the AC had to be broken. Everyone was silent, the fluorescent lights flickering like we were in some kind of a mental hospital. I definitely felt like we were in a mental hospital. 

I sat at a long conference table, my mother sitting on my right and my father to the left. Across from me was Justin, but I couldn’t even look at him. He was surrounded my two lawyers on his right and his mother on the left. 

My father carefully read over papers, every now and then pushing them towards me to sign. I did as I was told, trusting him more than I ever did in my life. I still don’t know what my father said to Justin that night he asked for advice. All I know is the advice my father told me and I would guess it’s quite similar since we’re both currently sitting across from each other. 

A few days ago my father sat me down and reminded me that this whole thing was my decision and he’d be behind me one hundred percent whatever I decide. “It’s not just you and Justin anymore,” he said, “It’s not about you two. When you have a baby everything changes, you’re no longer living for yourself. Every decision you make will be to make sure your child is taken care of. Things change, love fades. You need to think about what is most important to you, not just at this moment but for the rest of your life. For the rest of your baby’s life.  Things may change with Justin, even if he were just some college kid you met at a frat party. Things change. People change. Life is full of unknowns. The one thing that you can control right now, is that your baby is taken care of. 

“You’re young, you’re in school, you don’t have a job. You’re not financially in the place to have a baby right now. Of course your mother and I will help you. But there’s some things that even we can’t help you with. It’s a difficult decision that you need to make. I know how you feel about Justin. I know how he feels about you. But, a parent’s life is all about sacrifices and unfortunately you two are going to learn that lesson before the baby is even born.”

That conversation we had still haunts me. I definitely don’t want to be here right now signing these papers saying that I’ll never even talk to Justin ever again. My baby will never know his or her father. But my father’s right, we’re parents now and we need to make sacrifices.

It was harder to convince Justin. He still thinks he can have it all, we could get married and start a perfect little family complete with the white picket fence and golden retriever in the yard. He thinks he can go away and tour and keep doing what he’s doing and…I don’t even know what he thinks the baby and I would be doing while he’s touring. Maybe I’d be stuck in a stuffy hotel room with a screaming baby. 

Justin has come around though. Kicking and screaming, but he’s here isn’t he. Of course, he’s here ready to sign the papers but he is convinced this will only last a few months, maybe a few years, and then we’ll go back to normal. Although I’m afraid this is our new normal. 

I was brought back to reality as my father pushed another paper in front of me and pointed to a line for me to sign. I scribbled my name and turned to my mother, who was sitting next to me with her arms crossed over her chest staring down Justin’s mother. After speaking to my mother and explaining every detail of the evil woman sitting across from her, she insisted on coming today. My dad is the professional one, while my mother sits there daring Justin’s mother to say one word to me. 

My mother is usually soft-spoken, she always taught me the importance of manners and being kind. She’s a nurse, one of the best, and is known for her bedside manner. But apparently when someone talks ill of her daughter, she goes all mother hen on them. I’m kind of waiting for Justin’s mother to say something so I can see her in action. 

Justin’s lawyer slid a pile of papers over at him and pointed to the lines he had to sign. Out of my peripheral vision I could see Justin hold onto his pen tightly and look across the table at me. I forced myself to meet his gaze and felt a tear fall down my face as soon as I did. 

Justin closed his eyes and shook his head, then reached down and signed where he had to. He kept his eyes on me as I continued signing where my father told me to. Why is this  taking so long? This is torture.

Once Justin and I finished signing the piles of paper in front of us, our lawyers slid the contracts over to each other. They both took their time checking to make sure everything was done correctly. 

This is it. This is real. Justin and I just signed a contract stating that we will no longer have anything to do with each other. I’m really making out in this deal, Justin keeps insisting I get more than I need. He’s buying me a house, written in the contract is that it must have a pool and a basketball hoop. I swear. He’s paying me a huge amount of child support, paying for a nanny, as well as so many other things I never would have even thought about. 

I’m gaining all of these things. I’ll never have to worry about having enough money to feed my child or being able to finish school. I won’t ever have to work my way out of my studio apartment. This is all great, I mean sure, it’s great. This is supposed to be a success but it sure feels like a huge failure. 

After today, I won’t see Justin ever again. I won’t hear from him. I will have no contact with him. My child will never know his or her father. 

I will never see Justin again. 

I looked over at him again and the tears started flowing down my face in a steady stream. Justin’s mother rolled her eyes so bad I really wanted to jump over the table and rip them out of her head. 

“OK,” my father spoke softly as he stood up and reached over the table to shake Justin’s lawyers hands. 

My mother helped me up, my legs don’t seem to be working anymore. This is my life. I can’t believe it’s actually happening. 

Justin quickly made his way to our side of the table. When his mother grabbed his arm to keep him next to her, he pushed it away. 

“Thanks Mr. C, for everything.” 

My dad nodded his head and pulled him in for a quick hug, “You take care of yourself, alright Justin?”

Justin nodded his head and moved over to my mother, who quickly pulled him into a hug. I was surprised by my mother’s reaction, I know she used to like Justin but after everything that’s happened, well I guess I just didn’t expect it, “We’ll miss you, Justin.”

“I’m really sorry about all this, Mrs. Cole. Thanks for always, you know, treating me like one of your own.”

“Of course sweetie, it’s been a pleasure,” she rubbed his back before they broke apart. 

My knees went weak, luckily my father was there for me to lean against. 

Justin stood in front of me, neither of us able to say anything. He reached up to wipe the tears off my face, “Don’t cry.”

I coughed back a laugh, it’s kind of funny that he things I have any control over it. 

“It’s going to be alright,” he forced a half smile before pulling me close to himself. I cried in his arms for a long time. Probably too long. When we finally pulled apart I noticed we were alone in the room, well almost alone. Justin’s mother was standing by the door with her arms crossed over her chest like a warden in a prison. 

I laughed when I saw her. I didn’t mean to, but the way she was standing there like a prison guard was absolutely insane. What is she planning on doing, pulling me away from her son? You’d think we went out a killing spree with the way she looks at me.

Justin followed my gaze and chuckled when he saw his mother, “Alright, relax Ma. Can you just give us a second?”

She huffed and took a step out of the door, but stood with her arms crossed in the doorway. Justin gave her a look before closing the door in her face.

“Leave it to your mother to bring some humor into the situation.”

“She’s crazy,” Justin answered as he made his way back to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, “Make sure that you let me know about the house. Send me pictures and make sure it has everything you need. Don’t worry about the price. I know you’re going to worry about the price. It’s important that it’s in a good neighborhood and has everything you need.”

“I’m not supposed to talk to you.”

“Right, well email me then.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the same thing.”

Justin wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close as he whispered, “Look Mac, you can email me. And you better email me. I need to know how you’re doing and everything that’s going on with the baby.”

“I will,” I whispered back.

“I’m still going to call you,” he shrugged as he pulled away, “We’re still going to talk, I don’t give a shit. They can’t tell me who I can talk to.”

I looked down at the floor, it’s all so stupid. I still don’t think Justin understands everything that just happened. “I have to go.”

He nodded his head and pulled me into him again, “I love you, Mac. I’m not going to just stop loving you.”

“I have to go,” I repeated in a whisper.

Justin leaned down to kiss me one more time. When we pulled apart I noticed my tears smeared across his face. I reached up to wipe them away and kissed him one more time. 

I walked out of the room, past his mother and past my parents. I didn’t look at anyone, even though I could feel all their eyes on me. I don’t want to be here any more. I want to go home and climb in my bed and cry until I’m all out of tears. 

I made my way to the car where my parents quickly caught up with me. I stood in the rain waiting, it’s only fitting it was a stormy day. It’s never a stormy day in Los Angeles but everyone is out to get me today. 

My parents met me at the car and let me cry. My mother sat in the back seat with me and held me in her arms as we drove home. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~

I spent the rest of the day in my studio apartment eating my feelings away. A pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, a bag of Doritos, gummy worms, and tons of other snacks covered my bed. Somewhere in the  middle of all that was me, crying the night away. 

I heard a knock on the door but ignored it. Kelly has been calling me all night but I want to be alone. I don’t know why that’s so hard for everyone to understand. I turned my phone off. 

The knocking turned to loud banging, “Mac, it’s me. Let me in! I know you’re in there!”

I wiped my cheesy hands on my white t-shirt and boxer shorts as I made my way to the door to see Justin standing outside covered in rain. He took a deep breath and reached for my hands before falling down to one knee, “What are you—“ I began. 

“Mackenzie, I am so madly in love with you and I don’t care what anyone else says. I want to be with you and that’s all that matters. I don’t have a ring. I mean I have a ring but it’s not a diamond because apparently you can’t just go buy one of those they have to order it, but I’ll get you a diamond. I’ll get you a big ass diamond. It’ll be so big they’ll see it from the moon. Marry me. Please. We’ll drive to Vegas, we’ll be there in a couple hours and be married by morning.”

He slid the rose gold ring on my left ring finger before I could respond.

I looked down at him, the rain falling over his face. His eyes were red and puffy, and he looked up at me, waiting for me to follow him to Vegas. 

Instead I tried to pulled him up, “Come inside.”

“I’m not coming inside until you say yes and we go to Vegas.”

“You’re going to get sick. It’s cold and you’re drenched. Please come inside.”

He stood up, defeated. I moved to the side of the doorway but he stood still, letting the rain fall over him. 

“Justin.”

He didn’t respond, instead he looked past me and into space, with no plans of moving anytime soon. I grabbed his hands and pulled him inside. 

“If we just go and get married, everything will be solved. They can’t tell me I can’t see my wife.”

I took a deep breath and walked away from him, “They can. They will.”

“Legally, my wife has certain rights…”

“Justin, we can’t get married.”

“Then what are we going to do?” he asked as if for the first time he actually understands what is happening. 

“We’re going to do what we have to do. I think you should let your clothes dry, you’re going to get sick.”

“Why can’t we do what we want to do? Why can’t what we want to do be the same as what we have to do?” he asked as he pulled his black t-shirt off and hung it over the back of a kitchen chair. 

“Because it’s not just us anymore. This is so much bigger than the two of us.” I moved to my bed and removed the snacks from the bed. It’s a little embarrassing that I have a bed full of snacks and Doritos cheese on my shirt, but then again, Justin was just crying in the rain on my doorstep. 

Justin pulled his shoes off, then his jeans, and dropped them over the other kitchen chair before crawling under the covers wearing only his boxer shorts. 

“It just kind of hit me, ya’know? How everything is changing. I’m not going to see you anymore. I’m not going to know my kid.”

I crawled under the covers and curled up to him, “I’ll keep you updated. I’ll send you pictures and tell you everything that’s happening.”

“He’s going to hate me.”

I sat up so I could look into his eye, “Our baby is not going to hate you.”

“Yes, our baby will. Because he won’t know me. Or she’ll think I abandoned her.”

“I won’t let that happen. I promise.”

Justin nodded his head and pulled me back to his chest, “If you change your mind about getting married, you just let me know. I’ll meet you in Vegas. In a heartbeat.”

I laughed and kissed his chest, “When I’m ready to get married, you’re going to be the first person I run to.”

“Good,” he chuckled, “So in a couple years, when all this shit blows over and I figure out a way to be with you again, I’m going to come find you. And you better not be with some schmuck.”

“Never.”

“Good. Cause I don’t want to have to kick some guy’s ass that I don’t even know.”

He ran his hands through my hair, and we laid in silence for a few seconds. The silence isn’t good for us, because then we start thinking and it’s hard to think about anything but being miserable. 

“Can we just, try to have one more normal night before I get dragged away on tour?”

I smiled, grabbed his head in my hands, and leaned down to kiss him gently. He reached up and pulled my t-shirt over my head before crawling on top of me. His lips pressed against mine and then he kissed down my neck. He continued kissing down my chest, stopping at my breast before finally continuing down my body. Justin froze when he got to my stomach, looked at it carefully, then gave it a sweet kiss. I felt his head press against my stomach, and he began quivering. 

I reached down and ran my hands through his hair, not completely sure how to handle this.

Justin took a few deep breaths and tried to get himself together before pulling away and quickly wiping his eyes as if he did fast enough, I wouldn’t know he was crying. 

“I didn’t know you… you kind of have a bump.”

I looked down at my formerly flat stomach, now complete with a small bulge. I reached down to touch it, this is the first I even realized I had a bit of a bump.

“I guess it’s really happening,” I answered, feeling my own tears slide down my face. 

“Yeah,” he laid next to me and pulled me back to his chest, “I guess it is.”

I reached down to touch my stomach again. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact I won’t be seeing Justin anymore, but the idea of having a real baby has been so hard for me to grasp. It always felt so far away but now, now I have a bump and, it’s real. And I’m freaking out. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know anything about babies, how am I going to…?”

“You’re going to be such a great mother, are you kidding? You’re going to teach him to appreciate classical music and you’re going to take him on fun adventures. You’re going to be a fun, cool mom that listens to her kid and does anything for him. You’re going to be the best mother in the world.”

I looked up at him and smiled, “You keep saying he. Do you think it’ll be a boy?”

“I think so. At first I thought it’d be a girl but now anytime I think about it I see a little boy.”

“If it’s a boy, I’ll name him Justin.”

“No,” he broke in, “I don’t want you to name him Justin.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too much, it’s not even my name anymore it’s just… a brand.I don’t like it. It represents too many bad things.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “What about if he has your middle name?”

“No, that’s my father’s name. Definitely not that.”

“Well what then? He needs to have some kind of connection to you.”

“How about Tim?”

“No, that’s stupid.”

“Why?”

“Because then his name will be Tim Timberlake.”

“He won’t have my last name,” Justin spoke quietly, hating to have to remind me of that.

“No, not right away, but what happens when you come back for me and we get married? I’d hate to have to call of a wedding because our son will have a silly name.”

Justin coughed back a laugh and kissed the top of my head, “Good point. Always thinking.”

March 2014

When I woke up I was in a dark hospital room. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Justin leaning against the window sill typing on his iPhone. My head was throbbing and I was exhausted. 

Justin looked over at me and smiled, putting his phone in his pocket, “Hey. You’re up.”

I smiled softly and turned my head to the empty chair next to me, “Did you call Chris?”

“Yeah, I did. He didn’t answer, but I left a message.He’s probably still at the X-Games. But he never answers when I call so… I’ll try again in a little while.” Justin said before sat down in the chair and grabbed onto my hand, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright. What’s the damage?”

“They wouldn’t tell me too much. I’m not… ya’know, family. But based on the cast I’d say you broke you leg. There’s a big ol’ egg on your head. That’s gotten bigger since I brought you in. God, you really scared me Mac” he paused and placed a finger on my chin before slowly leaning down, “And three stitches on your lip. Maybe four?” he moved my chin towards him so he could get a better look, “No, three.”

“Pretty impressive,” I said as he leaned away.

“I’d say. The doctor said you’re a little brain dead but turns out that was a preexisting condition,” he leaned back in the chair with a half smile, proud of himself. 

“So funny,” I answered with an eye roll. 

He chuckled and leaned forward, “You’ve been out for awhile, you scared the shit out of me. Don’t do that anymore, alright?”

I coughed back a laugh, “I’m fine.”

“Of course you are, not like you’d tell me if you weren’t. Should I call your parents?”

“No,” I answered quickly, “I’m fine they’ll just freak out.”

“Alright, you’re call” he shrugged, “I mean, they had you back there for awhile and the nurses have been coming in like every ten minutes to check on you.”

“That’s what happens in a hospital,” I answered calmly. 

“I know that but,” he paused and looked around, not anywhere near satisfied with my answer, “I think you should get the doctor in here to tell you what’s going on, don’t you think?”

“They’ll come in.”

“I know but… honestly what does it hurt to get the doctor in here?”

I sighed and grabbed his hand, “I swear I’m fine. Hand me my chart and if there’s anything to worry about I’ll call the doctor.”

Justin stood up and grabbed my chart, somewhat satisfied with the compromise. I pressed the button on the side of the bed so I was sitting up and scanned the chart. Justin’s eyes were on me the whole time. I dropped the chart in my lap and turned to him, “Have you always been this annoying?”

“Probably,” he answered with a half smile, “Have you always been this stubborn?”

“Probably,” I shrugged with a laugh before picking up the chart again. “Nothing serious.”

“Are you even looking at it?”

I let out a sigh, trying to remember him ever being this annoying. “I looked at it and I promise the doctor will come in. Seriously. I’m fine.”

“Mom?” I heard the sound of my son’s worried voice and looked to the door. Chris stood there, like he’d just seen a ghost. I tried to smile but that seemed to get him even more freaked out. 

“Hey honey, come on in. How are you doing?”

He rushed over to my side looked me over, “Are you ok? What happened?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, come sit,” I motioned to the chair Justin had just moved away from. I reached out for his hand but he didn’t even notice it, he looked scared out of his mind. I shouldn’t have had Justin call him, I should have waited until I look better. 

“What happened?”

“You know me, just a bit of a klutz,” I smiled, hoping for some kind of a smile or laugh from my son but got nothing. I grabbed onto his hand, “I’m really fine sweetheart, just a couple bumps.”

It wasn’t until then when I looked up to see Matt standing beside my son. My heart started beating quickly in my chest, but he offered a sweet smile that was able to calm me down. 

“Hey Mac, how are you doing?”

“Hi Matt. I’m…I’m fine, how are you?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” he chuckled at our awkwardness, “Are you alright though? Got yourself a bit of a concussion?”

“Yeah, a little concussion,“ I answered, certain I was sounding like a three year old but unable to get that under control. 

“And a couple stitches?” I nodded my head, “And a broken leg?”

“In three places, that’s kind of impressive, right?”

“Yeah, pretty impressive,” Matt laughed then pulled a chair next to Chris and sat down, “Are you alright, buddy? She’s going to be fine. Sometimes when you hit your head you get a little confused and a little loopy. But that’s normal. She’ll be back to her normal level of loopy soon.”

“Hey!”

Chris cracked a smile and that was good enough for me.

“Are they taking good care of you? Need more medicine or anything?” Matt asked as he grabbed the chart from my lap. 

“I think I’ve had plenty of medicine. I could use a milkshake.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked and turned to Chris, “Are you alright, buddy?”

Chris nodded his head but kept his eyes on me like a hawk, I reached out to grab his hand to try to calm him down. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help him relax. 

I looked to the windowsill and saw Justin. My heart started beating quickly again as I remembered Justin and Matt are here, in the same room. With Chris, too. 

I nervously licked my lips, feeling the stitches with my tongue and took a deep breath to get it all over with.  “This is um, Justin. Chris’s father. Justin this is—“

“Matt,” Justin broke in and moved closer, “Oh wow, hey. Matt. What’s up?”

“Hey man,” Matt stood up and shook his hand, “How’ve you been? it’s been awhile.”

I looked between the two of them, sharing a quick hug. Then turned to Chris, who looked even more confused than me. 

What is happening?

“Yeah, I’m good,” Justin paused as it finally clicked, “Wait. You’re Matt? Boyfriend Matt?”

“Yeah, well no, but—“ Matt stopped and looked at me, then back at Justin and pointed to Chris, “You’re his father?”

“You two know each other?” I shouted. I didn’t mean to shout but, what is happening?

“Yeah, I mean we…” 

“Wait, you know each other?” it was Chris’s turn to yell.  There’s only so much he can handle in one day and it seems we reached his point. “How the fuck do you know each other?”

“Whoa, whoa,” Matt and I answered at the same time, causing Chris to throw his hands in the air. 

“Seriously. How?”

I would like to know the answer to that question myself, so I looked between Matt and Justin waiting for an explanation. 

Matt took a deep breath before beginning, “We used to play ball together. You know, I used to play with a group of guys I went to school with and some guys I work with. Justin used to stop by if he was in town. It’s been awhile though, I mean, a few years at least, right?”

“Yeah, a few years,” Justin agreed.

“You play ball every Thursday,” Chris stared right at Matt. I could feel Chris’s heart breaking, he’s looked up to  Matt since they first met and now he feels like Matt’s been hiding this from him the whole time. He’s already feeling out of the loop with everything involving Justin. I’m sure he took some sort of relief in knowing that at least Matt didn’t know Justin, but now it’s just him. 

“I don’t play anymore,” Justin quickly spoke up, seeing the look of betrayal in Chris’s eyes, “I haven’t played in awhile, I’ve been really busy. We don’t know each other really well, Chris. Matt’s friends with some of my friends. Our paths crossed a couple times. I don’t even know his last name.”

“He’s right,” Matt nodded his head, “We can talk about it later if you want, but let’s try to focus on your mom for now, alright?”

Chris nodded his head, but was still pissed. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at the floor. 

And then there was silence. So much silence it was torture. Maybe I should be the one to speak, but I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that they only two men I’ve ever loved in my life happen to be old friends. 

“She’s doing well,” Justin spoke up, pulling another chair close to the bed, “We were hiking and she tripped on something and fell. But she’s going to be fine.” I watched Justin trying to assure Chris, when just minutes ago he was telling me to call the doctor because even though I think I’m ok he seemed to think there was something wrong with me. 

“Yeah,” Matt smiled over at Chris, trying to assure him, “She’ll be fine.”

“You don’t need to talk about me like I’m not sitting right here,” I put my hand out to Chris and he grabbed onto it, “I’m fine. I promise. It’s just a little scary cause it’s right on my face and there’s this ugly bump and stitches are messing up my usually beautiful face,” I smiled, “But we’re at the best hospital in Los Angeles, and all the doctors and nurses in this wing used to work with Nana so they’re going to take good care of me.”

I watched the three of them sitting in a row: Chris, Matt, Justin.  My dear son and the only two men I’ve ever loved in my life. I’m not surprised for a second that either of them is here, even though Matt and I aren’t exactly on the best of terms. It also doesn’t surprise me for a second that Matt was the first one Chris called. That breaks my heart a little. 

I was feeling tired again, and tried to keep my eyes open. Matt watched me carefully, only stopping to look over and check on Chris. Justin looked between me, his phone, and the television. He’s always had a hard time sitting still, and he’s been here all day so I can’t really blame him. 

Justin turned his phone off, stood up, and placed it in his back pocket, “I need a coffee. Do you guys want a coffee? Matt?”

“Yeah, that’d be good.”

“Chris, want a soda or something? Hot chocolate? Coffee? You’re a teenager now, how about a beer?” Justin chuckled. 

“Really?” I asked out of disbelief. 

“Joking, obviously not a beer,” Justin smiled, “Come on, let’s go for a walk and give your mom and Matt a minute.”

Chris looked at me, and I nodded my head, “Go ahead, sweetie. Get me a milkshake.”

Matt waited until they left to move into Chris’s chair, “You really need to be more careful, kid.”

“I’m always careful.”

“Yeah,” he laughed before nodding his head towards the door, “Good guy.”

“Justin? Yeah.”

“Where were you?”

“Honestly I have no idea. It was some hidden trail. Chris was supposed to come but he refused —“

“Chris refused to go on a hike?” he asked out of disbelief, it’s hard to imagine the same boy that used to beg us to go on a hike every Saturday would refuse to go on one today. 

I nodded my head, “I know. He’s like an obnoxious teenager when it comes to Justin.”

“Well, you can’t really blame him, Mac. It’s a lot to throw at him.”

“I know. But what else was I supposed to do? It was always really complicated and I couldn’t just—“ I felt myself getting too tense, so paused and closed my eyes, not really wanting to get into it.  

“You just have to give him some time, is what I’m saying.”

“Yeah, I know. I just hope he doesn’t start acting obnoxious to you now. He feels like everyone knew except him.”

“Well I definitely didn’t know,” Matt nodded his head and stared into space. 

I hate this.

I really hate this. 

How is it possible out of all the people in Los Angeles, Matt and Justin turn out to be old friends? There’s got to be thousands, hundreds of thousands of people in this city but somehow these two know each other. 

This is such an awkward situation, and I hate that I’m putting Matt through it. He shuffled in the chair, moving from leaning back to resting his arms on his knees and running his hand through his hair. 

“I’m…” I began softly, not sure if I should be apologizing or how to even deal with this, “Are you ok? I mean…” I trailed off. 

He shook his head like he wasn’t going to answer, but then proceeded to answer, “It’s crazy. This is crazy. I just… it’s going to take a little while for this whole thing to make sense. I mean, I was playing ball with him and then came over and took care of his son. And I had no idea.”

I swallowed hard and got defensive, “I didn’t know you played ball with him.”

“Yeah, of course you didn’t,” he nodded his head, still looking into space, “You wouldn’t have told me even if you knew. You would have told him, probably, but you wouldn’t have told me,” he turned his head away from me before continuing, “It’s fine. I get it.”

“It’s really complicated. I couldn’t just tell you. There were so many pieces to the puzzle that I couldn’t just…”

“Yeah. I’m sure,” he answered before running his hand through his shaggy hair. He took deep breath, letting it out through his lips, “It’s fine. We don’t… it’s none of my business.”

“It was your business,” I offered, “If you want to talk about it we —“

“Not now, I don’t want to talk about it now,” he turned to look at me, “It feels so unbelievably wrong to talk about that now while you’re here.” Matt shook his head to clear his thoughts, “I’m glad you’re ok.”

I smiled and grabbed onto his hand, “Thanks for bringing Chris.”

“Yeah, of course. He called, he was scared so I went right over. It’s not a big deal.”

“It is though. So thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiled one of those smiles that made me want to just fall into his arms and miss him so much, “What do you need?”

“I’m really ok. Don’t worry about me.”

“That would be so much easier if you weren’t laying in a hospital bed telling me this.”

I laughed, “It’s just a little bump.”

“You are so lucky you don’t have to look at yourself right now.”

I slapped his arm, “Be nice.”

He smiled before getting back to being serious, “Want me to call your parents?”

“No,” I shook my head, “they’ll just worry.”

“Maybe they should worry,” he looked me over, “Seriously Mac, you’re pretty beat up.”

“Matt, really. I know what’s happening, I just need to rest off the concussion and then when the swelling goes down they’ll let me go home.”

“Are you sure that’s all there is? The leg and the concussion and the stitches?”

I nodded my head. 

“Because I know you, and I know the way you always try to protect everyone. So if there’s something more serious you should call your parents.”

I bit at my bottom lip and smiled, “I’m going to be fine.”

“So you’ve said.”

“Relax Matthew, it’s not a big deal,” I reached for his hand again, “It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, it’s good to see you too. Even though you look… so horrible, I mean really. Have you seen yourself? Is there a mirror somewhere?”

I laughed as I held onto his hand, “Don’t make me laugh, it hurts when I laugh. It’s really good to see you. I missed you a little bit.”

Matt chuckled, “Yeah, I guess I missed you a little bit too. Maybe we should do this again some time when you’re not stuck in a hospital bed.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I smiled, enjoying our moment. I did miss him, I’ve been so busy worrying about Chris and Justin that I forgot about how much I miss Matt. 

“What were you doing when Chris called? Working?”

Matt nodded his head, “It’s ok though, it’s not—“

“You don’t have to stay. I’m not your problem anymore.”

“Oh no?” he coughed back a laugh, “I got off easy with that one, didn’t I?”

“You really did,” I laughed. 

He ran his hands through his hair again and took a deep breath, “What about Chris?”

“He’ll be ok, we’ll play cards or something.”

“Want me to come pick him up later?”

“We’ll figure it out.”

Matt nodded his head and took a deep breath, “You shouldn’t stay here alone. Is Justin going to stay?”

“Yeah, I think so. He kind of feels responsible.”

“He is kind of responsible,” Matt answered with a smile, “he should know better than to take you to the canyon without the proper padding.”

I laughed, “He hasn’t seen me in awhile. I used to be pretty coordinated.”

“I bet,” he chuckled and grabbed onto my hand, “Will you call me if he leaves? I don’t want you here alone. Not even overnight, I can come back.”

I smiled and pulled his hand to my face, kissing it gently, “You don’t need to worry about me, but yes, I will.”

“And you’ll call me if you want me to come get Chris? He can stay with me.”

“Thank you, I will.”

“And you’ll call me when you get home?”

“Yeah, ok.”

“You won’t, will you?”

“Yes I will! I promise!”

“Alright,” he nodded his head, “I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“Because it makes you wonder what you ever saw in me in the first place?”

“Yeah, something like that,” he smiled and leaned over to kiss my forehead, “Be careful, alright? Don’t go thinking you know everything and not listening to the doctors.”

“Yes, sir.”

“One coffee,” Justin walked into the room and handed Matt his coffee. Matt stood up and grabbed the coffee as Chris fell back to his chair, holding tightly onto his bottle of Mountain Dew.

“Well, I have to head back to work. So, thanks for the coffee, man.” Matt said as he shook Justin’s hand. He moved over to Chris, who slouched back in his chair, ignoring him completely and focusing on the bottle in his hand.  “Yo, Chris,” Matt gently kicked his chair, “Come walk me out.”

“No, I’m good.”

“Oh, get up,” Matt said again, “don’t be a brat.”

Chris let out an annoyed, obnoxious teenager sigh and stood up. 

“Nice to see you again,” Matt turned to Justin and then shook his head and looked back at me, “Be careful, Mac. Will ya?”

“Thanks Matt, I’m sure Chris will thank you for bringing him here while he walks you out.”

“Oh, I’m sure,” Matt answered with a smile as he left the room, Chris following reluctantly behind. 

Once they were safely out of sight Justin sat down next to me, “So Matt Long, huh?” he asked with a smile.

“You do know his last name!”

“I do now. We walked out of the room and the only thing Chris would say to me was ‘Long, his last name is Long’”

I laughed, “He’s really pissed. Tell me the truth.”

“That’s the truth! I really hardly know him. I do know he’s a good guy, owns his own business, right? Skateboarding, right?”

“Surfing. His company designs surfboards and wetsuits.”

“Oh yeah, right. He’s really good with Chris, huh? I should take notes.” I nodded my head, “Sounds like quite the catch, Mackenzie. How’d you let that one get away?”

I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep. There’s no chance I’m going to talk about that with him, especially not while I’m stranded in a hospital bed. 

“You can’t just pretend to sleep, you know,” he chuckled.

“I’m not pretending. It’s on my chart, may fall asleep without warning.”

“Alright, we won’t talk about it. I mean, I talked to you about Kate but whatever, don’t talk to me about Matt.”

I shrugged, I don’t care if he’s trying to make me feel bad. It’s not working. 

The doctor came in and took me to run some more tests. When I came back I was so exhausted I couldn’t even keep my eyes open. 

When I woke up my head was pounding. I slowly opened my eyes to see Justin and Chris quietly playing cards in the corner of the room, then closed them when it hurt to keep them open. 

“How are you doing?” I heard Justin’s voice. 

“Yeah I’m,” I paused and rubbed my forehead, “Can you call the nurse?”

“Yeah,” I heard a chair pull out and Justin walk out of the room and soon felt Chris grabbing my hand. 

“Are you ok, Mom?”

“Yeah sweetie, I’m ok. I just have a really bad headache and I need some more medicine,” I squeezed his hand, “Are you doing ok? I know it’s been a tough day.”

“Did you know that Matt and Justin know each other?”

I laughed softly, I almost forgot about all that. “Nope, no idea.”

“Matt said you never told him.”

“I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because, like I told you, it was complicated. I didn’t tell anyone. If I was going to tell anyone I would have told you.”

Justin and the nurse came into the room, and Chris was done talking about it. It’s almost like he feels like he has to sneak over and ask me because he doesn’t want to talk about any of this in front of Justin. Although, I kind of wish he would talk about it with Justin. 

It didn’t take long for the medicine to make me feel better. When I opened my eyes I looked out of the window and saw it was pitch black outside. 

“Do you know what time it is?”

“8:30,” Justin said after reaching for his phone. 

“Did you eat dinner?”

“We had some chips from the vending machine,” Chris answered. 

I laughed softly, “That’s not dinner, you need real dinner. I think you should go home,” I turned to Justin, “You both need to get some sleep. I’m fine here, you can come back in the morning.”

“No, I don’t want to go,” Chris answered quickly, “I can sleep here, why can’t I sleep here?”

“I don’t even want to sleep here, you definitely don’t want to sleep here. I can call Kelly and see if she’ll come get you.”

“I can stay with Matt,” Chris spoke, “Matt said I could stay with him.”

“No, we’re not calling Matt, he can’t keep driving back and forth.”

“But he said I could stay with him,” Chris whined. 

I took a deep breath, “Chris, really we’re not talking about this. I can call Kelly.”

“I can take him,” Justin spoke up, causing both Chris and I to freeze in our tracks, “Why don’t you come home with me? There’s plenty of room. We’ll just get some dinner and we’ll come back first thing in the morning.”

Chris turned to look at me, I’m not sure if he wants me to send him home with Justin or somehow save him from it, “I can call Kelly if you want,” I offered. 

Chris shrugged, turned to Justin then back to me, “I’ll just go with him.”

Justin tried desperately to hide the smile that was covering his face, but he didn’t do a very good job of it. Small victories are still victories after all. 

“OK, great. Listen to Justin and be good. Call me if you need anything,” I’m starting to get nervous, the first time Justin and Chris are alone and I’m stuck in a hospital room unable to save either of them if necessary.

“We’ll be fine,” Justin assured me. 

I nodded my head, “OK. Have a goodnight, try to get some sleep,” Chris leaned down to hug me, “Be good.”

“I’ll be good, I’m just going to sleep,” Chris said as he grabbed his phone and his bottle of Mountain Dew and headed towards the door. 

“Goodnight Mac, call me if you need anything,” Justin leaned down to give me a hug and whispered, “Wish me luck.”

“You’ll be fine,” I whispered with a smile, “I’ll see you both in the morning.”

January 18, 2001

I’m seven months pregnant and look like I’ve swallowed a beach ball. I feel like I have an evil alien in my body that does flips in my belly when I’m trying to sleep, makes me have to pee constantly, and forces me to eat everything I can get my hands on.

I moved into my new house two weeks ago. I found a nice, little two bedroom place but when I sent it to Justin he called me right away. It was too small, he said, there’s no pool. The yard was too small. Did I even look into the school districts?

He wasn’t having it. Even if, as part of the contract, I got to choose the house I’d be living in, he was not having it. A few days later he sent me an email with pictures of three huge houses and an appointment with a realtor. 

And now here I am, wandering around my huge house trying to find what happened to the compression socks I bought yesterday. I swear my brain stopped working. I start doing one thing and then I see something else and forget about everything. 

A strange noise echoed through the house and it took me a second to realize it was the doorbell. No one ever used the doorbell before. It’s not a normal doorbell ring, it’s like a song. I don’t like it, I need to figure out how to change it. 

I slowly made my way downstairs, having to stop at the bottom to catch my breath. I hate this whole pregnancy thing so much. 

The stupid doorbell song began again, “I’m coming, I’m obviously coming!” I shouted out to whoever it was and wobbled to the door. 

I took one more good breath before opening the door to see Justin’s goofy grin. I’m supposed to be excited, right? I’m supposed to fall into his arms and pull him inside and never let him go. Why do I feel like I want to rip his head off? “Um…” I began softly. 

“Um?” he chuckled once, a look of fear covering his face for a brief second before the grin found it’s way back, “Um, hey? Good to see you!”

“What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean what am I— I have a couple days off so I snuck out to see you. Is that ok?” he asked as if this is the first time that it even occurred to him that maybe it wouldn’t be ok for him to just pop in. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that legally we’re not supposed to see each other anymore , “Maybe I should have called…”

I bit my lip, watching him nervously place his hands in his dark blue jean pockets, “I just… come on in.”

Justin let out a breath he’d been holding in and smiled before following me inside.  I turned around to give him a tour of the house he bought for me and he wrapped his arms around me as soon as I did. “It’s so good to see you, Mac.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold in the tears. 

“You look good. You’ve gotten so big! You’re so adorable,” he continued, refusing to let go of me.

I look adorable. Right. I look like a fucking cow. I’m huge now, at least double in size from when he last saw me. And then he just decides today he’ll pop by, when my feet are so swollen and I’m wearing huge sweatpants and a giant t-shirt like a slob. 

When I managed to get out of his arms I wobbled to the kitchen and grabbed myself a bottle of water, holding one up for him but he shook his head. “I guess I should give you a tour?”

“I guess. I mean, I came to see you. I don’t really care that much about the house. How are you feeling?”

I headed towards the living room and slowly sat down on the couch before answering, “Like complete shit actually. It hurts to walk, my feet are so fucking swollen. It hurts to breathe. I can’t sleep, because I obviously can’t sleep on my stomach and when I try to sleep on my back it’s like I have a 50 pound weight pushing against me. The doctors say I should sleep on my left side but I can’t sleep on my left side. I haven’t slept well in weeks. Everything hurts. I’m blowing up like a balloon. My face is getting so fucking fat. I’m craving everything but then when I get it I want to throw up because nothing tastes good anymore. This baby, she’s like pushing against my ribs constantly and I can’t even—“

“She? You think it’s a girl?” he asked with a smile. 

“Did you even listen to anything I just said?” I shouted, “I don’t think it’s a girl. I don’t think it’s a boy. I don’t fucking know, how am I supposed to know? Every time I go anywhere complete strangers tell me I’m carrying like it’s a boy and then another complete stranger says I’m swollen like it’s a girl.  God, I was in the waiting room at my dentist yesterday and this lady tells me her husband has some kind of a gift or something and can always tell what pregnant women are going to have. She said he’s never been wrong and asked if I wanted to know. Like, complete stranger! These people would never talk to me if I wasn’t pregnant and when I need everyone to leave me the fuck alone they want to talk to me for hours.”

“Well what’d he he predict?”

I gave him the dirtiest look I’ve ever given another human being in my life, “Who cares? That’s what I’m saying! Who the fuck cares! I’m supposed to be excited because some rando wants to touch my belly and pretend he knows what’s inside?”

Justin scooted closer to me for some reason, probably trying to comfort me but it just made me more tense. 

“He said a girl,” I answered his question, hoping that would get him to scoot back.

Justin smiled and paced his hand on my lap, “It’ll get easier, babe.”

I laughed as his naive statement. Sure, it’ll get easier. A hell of a lot easier for him when he’s touring the world like a king. “It will not get easier. It will get worse. I still have two months to go, I’m only going to get bigger and more uncomfortable. And then what? It’s not over, it’s just beginning. I have to go through labor, push a big baby out of a little hole. And then, at the end of it all, I’ll have a baby. A real, live, baby that I will have to look after and take care of for the rest of my life. It will never be easier than it was before all this happened. Never again.”

Justin looked me over and took a deep breath, praying for the words to make me feel better. It’s useless though, there’s nothing he could say to make me feel better. Just as he opened his mouth to speak the stupid doorbell song began again. “I’ll get it, stay there.”

“It’s probably your mother. She probably has a fucking tracker implanted that alerts her when you get close to me.”

He ignored my comment and made his way to the door, “Oh hey yeah, maybe bring it through the back? You can come in, what do you think?” 

A tall man wearing a pair of dirty blue jeans and a plain green t-shirt came into my house, walking right through the kitchen and inspecting the sliding glass doors by the backyard, “Yeah, we can take this one down and it’ll fit in easy.”

“And you can get it through the kitchen alright?” Justin asked, looking over at the bar separating the kitchen from the living room.

“Uh, yeah. We have the legs off and we’ll just hold it upright.”

“What’s going on?” I asked out of confusion. 

“You might want to uh, take her upstairs or something,” the man said before letting himself out of the sliding glass doors and into my backyard. 

Justin turned to me and smiled, “Hey. So… do you want to like, go upstairs for a little?”

“No, not really. Why? What’s going on?”

“I just, have something for you and it would be easier if you went upstairs. I’ll come up in a minute. You can lay down and rest then we can order dinner once it’s all done.”

I turned my attention away from Justin and back to the sliding glass door that was being unscrewed and leaned against the house. He just comes into my house as if he’s been around these past few months and we’re still going strong. As if nothing has changed over the past four months. What is wrong with him?

Justin followed my gaze and chuckled, “Upstairs. Please? I promise it’ll be worth it. I’ll help you up.”

He grabbed onto my arm and walked me to the stairs as I kept my gaze on the man removing the doors in my house, “Be careful, why are you—“

“He’s fine. We’re fine!” he shouted at the man and brought me upstairs. He smiled and looked around my bedroom, “Looks good, you’re all settled in, huh?”

“Why are there strange men in my house? And why are they taking the doors out?”

Justin smiled and kissed my forehead, “Why don’t I go make you some tea and you can rest? I know you’re tired. Let me help you while I’m here.”

“I’m sorry, why do you think having a strange man remove my doors is helping me?”

He chuckled and leaned down to kiss my lips, “God, I missed you, Mac.”

I took a deep breath and fell back on the bed, struggling to find a position that didn’t hurt too much, and closed my eyes.

When I woke up Justin was laying next to me, with his hand on my belly. He smiled when he noticed I was awake, “I felt him kick.”

“Yeah, he does that a lot. Usually wakes me up.”

“Did you have a nice nap? Feeling any better?”

“Yeah I guess, I’m just… in constant pain.”

He grabbed onto my hands, “How’s the house? Up to your standards?”

“Please Justin, it’s ridiculous.”

“What, you don’t like it?”

“I love it, it’s just excessive.”

“Well, you need a house Mac.”

“Sure, I’m just not sure I need a house with four bedrooms and a pool.”

“Of course you do,” he smiled, “You hungry? Want to get some food?”

I nodded my head, “Help me up?” it’s not easy for me to do anything nowadays. 

Justin helped me downstairs, and I froze when I saw the white grand  piano in the window at the front of the house. I looked over at Justin, he smiled, then turned back to the piano. Maybe he can’t be around, but how can I get mad at him when he buys me such pretty things? Like a house, or furniture, or a grand piano that used to belong to fucking John Lennon.

“I can’t take your piano.”

“What do you mean? It’s yours,” he smiled with pride. 

“I mean, I can’t take it. It’s too much. It’s yours.”

“You’ll get much more use out of it than I will.”

“No, I can’t,” I shook my head.

“It’s here, we can’t move it out again. It’s yours Mac, I want you to have it.”

“I don’t want it.”

His face fell flat, “What do you mean you don’t want it?”

I whined, “I mean, why are you giving it to me? It’s too much. It’s your piano and you’re giving me all these things and I can’t… it’s not going to make it better.”

“It’s just a piano, Mac,” he answered flatly. 

“It’s not just a piano. It’s John Lennon’s piano,” I felt myself snap,  “It’s this huge mansion of a house. It’s all the furniture and the pool and the nursery and… it’s everything. You can’t just buy me all of these things to make yourself feel better about all of this. It doesn’t make it better. You’re still going to be traveling around the world without a care in the world while I’m here being a single mother trying to finish college. This piano isn’t going to change that. This house isn’t going to change that.  There’s nothing that you can give me that will change that.”

Justin was quiet for a few seconds, as if it’s the first time he’s even thought about why he’s doing all this. He feels guilty and for some reason he thinks this stupid piano is going to make everything better.

“That’s not fair, Mac,” he answered softly.

“You’re right, it’s not fair. Nothing about this situation is fair. It’s not fair that you get to continue living your life as if nothing happened and every single part of my life has changed. I have no control of my body anymore.  I have no control of my life anymore. You’re going to be fine because you’re a guy and it doesn’t matter that you have this secret child no one is ever going to know about. My life is over before I can even legally have a glass of wine. Your life is just going to get better and better and my life is going to get worse and worse and that’s it. That’s how it works. We’re all so focused on you getting to live your dreams and be successful. But what about me? Why don’t my dreams matter?”

“Oh come on Mac, of course your dreams matter. That’s why I want you to have the piano.”

“Like I’m even going to be able to play with a crying baby around all the time. I don’t want it here. It’s going to be a constant reminder of everything I could have had. You keep it, your dreams still matter.”

“You were so afraid if I quit everything and we got married I’d resent you. And that’s exactly what’s happening here. You resent me because I’m doing what you told me to do. You made this decision before me. You signed the papers before me. You wanted this, you said that’s what you wanted. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to quit everything and be with you. I still do. I still will.”

I shook my head and felt the tears falling down my face, “You’re so full of shit, Justin. Do you even get that or are you so caught up on the act that you believe it yourself? You can pretend you’d quit all of this and you want to get married and live happily ever after but you know damn well that it would never happen. It wouldn’t happen because everyone in your life is telling you one thing so you’re going to go with what everyone says. You’re not going to follow your fucking heart because hearts break. Life happens. It’s not a fairy tale. You’re going to move on with your life and you’re going to forget all about me except when you see my name on your list of monthly bills. And that’s fine. That’s the way it is, but don’t pretend everything is prefect and in ten years everything will blow over and we’ll be together again. Don’t lie to me about that. Don’t lie to yourself. I’ve dealt with loosing you, I can’t live with some sort of false hope that it’s not going to happen. Now I need to focus on this baby and how my life will never be the same again.”

I waited for some kind of a reaction, but he didn’t say anything. His eyes were puffy and red, and he kept sniffling back tears. He leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. 

“I want you to leave,” I spoke softly.

“You don’t mean that,” he answered in a whisper.

“Yes, I do. You being here is stressing me out and I’m seven months pregnant and it’s really bad for the baby if I’m stressed,” I paused but he didn’t move, “Justin, I want you to leave.”

He wiped his eyes and then looked up at me, “You really want me to leave?”

I nodded my head and spoke softly, “I don’t know how I can make it any clearer.”

“Fine,” he stood up, “You know none of what you said about me is true. You’re acting like you don’t even know me. You know me better than anyone else and that fucking hurts, Mac. It really fucking hurts. But I’m going to go because I love you and I’m going to do what you want. I would still leave all this shit and marry you in a heartbeat. Just say the word and it’s done.”

Justin paused, waiting for me to say the word. So I did.

“Bye.”

He coughed back a laugh and shook his head with disbelief as he headed towards the door, “OK, cool. Bye.  You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

The door slammed shut before I could say anything, not that I would have had anything to say anyway. 

Justin is gone.

That’s what I wanted.

Now where did I put those damn socks?

March 2014

I would give anything to be a fly on the wall at Justin’s house right about now. I wonder what Chris and Justin are doing, what they’re talking about. Does Justin even know how to take care of a kid? I mean Chris isn’t really a kid anymore, he can take care of himself. It’s just a night, it’s not that I’m worried. 

I’m just a little worried. 

They're both so awkward around each other, it wouldn’t surprise me if they were sitting at the table starring at each other. Honestly, Justin probably stuck him in one of the rooms on the other side of the house and maybe they’ll share a couple words when they eat breakfast in the morning. 

God, I hope it goes well. 

There was a gentle knock on the door as it slowly creaked open. I turned my head to see Kelly walking in, her pregnant belly sticking out so much more than the last time I saw her. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to see you, what do you think? How do you not tell me you’re in the hospital?”

I let out a sigh and pushed the button on the side of the bed so I could sit up. “It’s not that big of a deal. Who called you, Chris?”

“You would think, wouldn’t you?” said said as she tossed her purse on a chair,  “But no.”

“Justin?” Kelly and Justin tend to call each other in these sort of situations. They like to fill the other in on things that happen in my life for some reason, especially when I’d rather they not.

“Matt,” placed a bag from In-N-Out on the table and slowly managed to sit, “So what’s going on? What happened?”

“I’m completely fine, you don’t need to be here.”

“Cool, I’ll just leave with my bag of In-N-Out burgers and fries. Oh and don’t forget the milkshakes,” she held one in front of me but just out of my reach. How did I not see that a second ago?

“Oh my god, you so get me,” I held my hand out for the food but she held it back, “Please?”

“Tell me what happened.”

“I fell. I tripped on something and I fell,” I answered, “Gimme! Gimme!”

She handed me the milkshake and went through the bag, “How did you trip on something?”

“I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Mmhmm,” she took a fry from the bag, “So what really happened, then?”

She handed me the container of animal style fries as a reward if I tell her the truth. It worked, I’m a sucker for In-N-Out, that’s for sure. “He wanted to talk about his fiancé and it got kinda weird. Then he wanted to talk about Matt and—“

“So you threw yourself off a cliff?”

I froze with a french fry in my hand, “I fell. And it was a hill.”

“Mmmhmm,” she rolled her eyes and stuffed another fry in her mouth,  “Where’s Chris?”

“Justin took him back home.”

“Justin. Went to his house. With Chris.” 

“Yes.”

Kelly giggled and leaned back in the chair, kicking her heels off and throwing her legs up to my bed, “That’s good. That’s real good.”

I laughed, “What do you— do you think they’re even talking? Oh my god, I can’t even begin to think about what’s going on there right now.”

“They’re probably just starring each other down. Chris is going to be insanely in shock by that house, that’s for sure.”

I nodded my head, taking a big bite out of my burger, “So good. Thank you.”

“I know my girl,” Kelly smiled as she took a bit of her burger. 

“You really don’t have to stay, it’s getting late.”

“I’m staying the night, obviously.”

“Kelly, I’m fine. You’re not staying over, you’re seven months pregnant.”

“Lucky for me I have the best prenatal nurse right here.”

“Neonatal,” I corrected her.

“Same thing.”

“Big difference. I’m not going to deliver your baby, I’ll take care of her once she’s born.”

Kelly took a deep breath, “The point being, I’m in a hospital so I can have a baby here if need be. Plus I have another two months so it’s not like anything is going to happen. But most importantly, I’m here and I’m not leaving so deal.”

“I’m calling Ryan,” I threatened. 

She rolled her eyes, “Yeah, great. Call my husband who dropped me off. He’ll be so mad to find out I’m here,” she answered sarcastically.

“It’s so uncomfortable though, come lay up here with me.”

“Yeah, cause I could even fit on that bed by myself.  I’m like three hundred pounds now, I’d probably break the bed.”

“Are you really? Three hundred pounds?”

“About that.”

“Dramatic,” I smiled. 

“You look like shit,” she gave me an obnoxious smile. 

I laughed and closed my eyes, “Thanks sweetie.”

“OK fine, go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

~~~~~~~~

It’s impossible to sleep in hospitals. There’s too many noises, all the beeping and moving around. It’s too bright, I need complete darkness to sleep, and it’s so hot, why is it always so hot? These are things I don’t really notice when I’m working here every day but when I’m here as a patient, it all makes sense. 

Kelly somehow managed to sleep a little. The nurse came in to check on me and brought her a bunch of pillows and one of those chairs that folds out to a cot. I know it’s in no way comfortable, especially when I remember how I felt when I was seven months pregnant. But Kelly is much more easygoing than I was. I was not a happy person during my pregnancy. Not one bit.

I watched Kelly get out of bed and pull her slippers out of her purse before opening the curtains and letting the sunshine in the room, then closed my eyes. I’m still exhausted, but I’m sure I won’t be able to sleep.

After dozing off for a few minutes I heard Chris and Justin walking into the room. I opened my eyes, but closed them quickly when I realized how tired I actually was. They looked different, the both of them. Chris was wearing one of Justin’s shirts. It was too big for him, but not by much. They were each holding a bouquet of flowers that they placed on the windowsill. 

“Come here, you little brat,” Kelly held her arms out for a hug, “I can’t believe you didn’t call me. I’m really mad at you.”

“I didn’t… I,” Chris began softly. 

“You could have at least texted me. God Christopher, you always call me first, got it? I’m the emergency contact. That’s me,” there were a few seconds of silence before she continued, “Your mother is doing fine, don’t worry about her. The nurses came in a lot to check on her and everything seems to be going well. She’ll probably get to leave later today,” Kelly paused and looked over at Justin for the first time, “How was your night at your father’s? He didn’t trick you into joining a boyband, did he?”

“Ah, she’s still got that sense of humor,” Justin chuckled as he leaned down to give her a quick hug and kiss on the top of her head, “Good to see you, Kel.”

“Yeah, you too. Good to have you back. I mean, you could have been a little more careful with Mac but, we’ll take what we can get I guess.”

“You know him?” Chris asked the question I knew would be coming at some point. I don’t want to start this again so soon, if Chris starts giving Kelly an attitude I don’t even know what to do anymore.

“Oh, give me a break Christopher. I’ve known your mother since we were in Kindergarten, of course I know your father.”

Chris didn’t have a response, surprisingly he seemed to be happy enough with her answer. Instead, he stood up and moved to the chair next to me. 

“Hi sweetie, I’m so glad you’re back. How was your night?”

“Fine,” he answered, “We got you flowers.”

I smiled and grabbed onto his hand, “Thank you, that’s so sweet. Was everything ok at Justin’s?”

“Yeah.”

He’s killing me here. I want details, why is he giving me one word answers? This is a big deal, a huge deal. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!

I watched Justin sit down next to Kelly, he gave me a shrug and smile. He’ll tell me, I guess I have to wait for him to fill me in. 

“You know,” Kelly placed a hand on Justin’s lap, “I’m a therapist now.”

“And pregnant. Congratulations.”

“Yeah, thanks. That’s not what I mean. I’m a therapist,” she began again. Justin nodded his head and turned back to me, “I’m saying I can listen to you if you want to talk,” she waited for Justin to say something but he didn’t. Instead he turned back to her, waiting for her to continue, “If you want to talk, I can listen and offer advice.”

Justin chuckled, “Yeah, cause that wouldn’t be a conflict of interest or anything. I’m good Kel, but thanks for the offer.”

“Are you talking to anyone? I could recommend someone to you”

“For God’s sake Kel, what is this some kind of an intervention?” he laughed uncomfortably, “Three minutes. I’ve been here for three minutes. That’s gotta be some kind of record.”

As Justin made his way to the other side of the bed Kelly shrugged at me, as if to tell me she tried. Except I don’t know what she’s trying. Definitely not something I want any part of. “How are you feeling?” Justin asked as he sat down next to my bed. 

“I’m doing good. Should be able to leave later today. How was everything last night?”

Justin nodded his head and smiled, looked at Chris and smiled again, “Yeah, good. It was good.”

I turned to Chris, then back to Justin, and continued looking between the two of them waiting for something other then the words fine and good to describe the first time the two of them have ever been alone together. I get if it’s awkward to say something in front of each other, but I would even been happy with some kind of facial expression. A smile. An eye roll. I’d even take a raising of the eyebrow. 

Just then, I heard a voice coming down the hallway and felt my heart beat quickly. 

No, this can’t be happening. 

Please, this can’t be happening.

I looked to the door, waiting for my demise.

My mother angrily made her way into the room with my father following closely behind. She stood at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed over her chest, looking over me, “How could you not even call me?”

“Oh great, mom’s here,” I answered sarcastically.

“Mackenzie. Why didn’t you call me?”

“Because I’m fine, it’s not a big deal. The real question is who called you?” I looked around the room. It definitely wasn’t Kelly, she’s been with me the whole time. I doubt Justin would call but, maybe he would. Probably Chris. Or no, I bet it was Matt. He called Kelly he probably called them too. 

I’ll kill him.

“One of your nurses called me. Andrea. It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters, what does patient privacy mean nothing up here?”

My mother took a deep breath and turned back to my father, giving him one of her famous can you believe this kid?  looks. He stayed back, leaning against the ledge next to Justin, who snuck back there as soon as my mother got into the room.  “Give me a break Mackenzie. I’ve worked with Andrea for twenty years, she lets me know if my daughter is a patient.”

“Still against hospital policy,” I answered softly. 

My mother let out a sigh before reaching for my chart. And it’s only a matter of time now before the shit hits the fan. 

“How are you doing, sweetie?” my father asked as he made his way to the bed, “you should have called.”

“I’m fine. I knew you'd worry and there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Internal bleeding is nothing to worry about?” my mother put the chart to her side as she spoke.

“Mom, stop!” I spoke firmly, “Chris is here.”

Everyone in the room looked at Chris, who now looks even more scared than he did before. 

“Let’s go for a walk,” Kelly stood up and grabbed onto Chris’s arm. 

“No, why should I go? What’s going on?” he whined, trying to make some sense out of this. 

It’s a disaster. It’s all a disaster. 

“Christopher, go!” my mother shouted.

“Relax, mom. Don’t yell at my son. God,” I turned to Chris and took a deep breath, “Can you please go for a walk with Kelly so I can talk to Nana and Grandpa.”

“Why can’t I stay? You act like I’m a baby or something. I can handle it. I want to know what’s going on.”

“Now is not the time, Christopher. Go!” my mother shouted at my son. Again. 

“Mom. Stop,” I answered sternly and turned to Chris, “I’ll tell you everything when you get back, please just let me handle this with them first?”

Chris finally stood up and huffed out of the room with Kelly holding onto his arm. She’ll make him feel better, it’ll be good for them to talk anyway. 

“He is your son. You are his mother. You need to stop acting like you’re his friend and give him some discipline or he’ll never listen to you,” my mother began lecturing because obviously this is the best time to talk about that. 

I was already angry enough, the fact that she just barges in here and demands to know everything. Never mind the fact that she just reads my chart and announces it to everyone in the room when I’ve successfully managed to keep that little tidbit to myself this whole time. 

“Mac, hunny. Explain,” my father’s calming voice took over. 

“It’s really nothing serious. We were on a hike, I fell and hit my head. So I had a minor concussion, but we got here fast enough so they just wanted to overlook everything. My leg is broken in three places. The worst is the egg on my head but it’s gone down a lot from yesterday.”

“And the internal bleeding?” my mother asked. 

“It was just from the fall, but it stopped. A long time ago. It was nothing serious.”

“Where were you bleeding internally?” my mother continued to pry. 

I took a deep breath and looked at Justin, who was now standing right beside my mother waiting impatiently for an answer, “I mean, you’re reading the chart. I don’t know why you’re asking.”

“Your brain, Mackenzie,” she turned to my father, “Her brain.”

“What? Your brain?” Justin shouted as he began pacing back and forth, moving his hands from his hair to his pockets, back to his hair. “What the hell, Mac? Why didn’t you tell me that?”

I swallowed hard, “So, Justin’s here.”

My mother turned to Justin for the first time, “Hi Justin,” she turned her nurse voice on and spoke calmly for once,  “Hi Justin. It’s nothing to worry about, it’s all under control now.”

“With all due respect Mrs. C, I feel like if it wasn’t anything to worry about we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

“My point, exactly my point. We’re all freaking out over nothing.”

My father broke in before I could finish, “Let’s be perfectly honest, for those of us not in the medical field, alright?”

Justin nodded his head in agreement and my mother turned to me to fill everyone in. Even though she has my chart and could easily tell everyone what needs to be said. 

“They’re keeping me here because there was some bleeding in my brain that they were worried about. They’ve been monitoring it all night and it’s stopped. So it’s under control now. They just want to keep an eye on it a little longer because it could lead to something serious.”

“How serious?” Justin asked. 

I shrugged and looked at my mother, but decided to speak before she did, “Coma, serious brain injury, death,” I continued quickly, “It’s not at that level and it stopped so it’s not going to be. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

Justin looked like he was going to explode, “Are you seriously telling me that I was here all day yesterday and you’re telling me everything was fine and meanwhile you’re bleeding in your fucking brain and it could have killed you?”

I nervously licked my lips and answered in a whisper, “patient privacy.”

Justin shook his head and paced back and forth. He’s definitely going to explode. He looked up at my parents, and tried to calm himself down so he wouldn’t explode in front of them. 

“OK. It doesn’t matter. You’re alright now and it didn’t turn out to be anything serious,” my father said as he made his way to the bed and kissed my forehead, “You should have called us.”

My mother sat down beside me and began reading my chart again. 

I turned to Justin and immediately felt horrible for not telling him. That look on his face is killing me. He’s furious. I didn’t want him to freak out but my mother had to come and ruin everything. 

There was a soft knock on the door and we all turned to see Matt standing there with a bouquet of sweet pea and peony. He smiled, looked around the room of eyes on him, and then turned to me, “Hey. Bad timing?”

“Nah man, perfect timing. You just missed the part where we find out Mac’s been bleeding from her fucking brain the whole time while she’s telling everyone she’s fine,” Justin said as he made his way to the door, “I can’t—I’m just—I have to go, I’ll be back. I’m just gonna go.”

Matt moved to the side so Justin could get out, then looked around the room again.

“Good to see you, Matt,” my father spoke up before continuing with a chuckle, “Come on in, join the fun.”

Matt let out a nervous laugh as he made his way inside, “It’s good to see you too, Mr. Cole, Mrs. Cole.”

My mother stood up and gave Matt a hug, then Matt made his way to the other side of the bed to shake my father’s hand. He then gave me a sweet smile and held out the bouquet, “Flowers.”

“Thank you,” I answered in a whisper. 

There was more silence, more tension. Finally my father spoke up, “Let’s give them some time alone, huh?”

Once again, my father saves the day. 

Matt watched my parents leave the room and close the door behind them. He moved a chair next to the bed and sat down. 

I held my hands out for the flowers and moved them to my nose, “They’re beautiful. Thanks, Matt.”

He nodded his head and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, “Yeah, I can’t stay long. I just wanted to see how you’re doing. How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

“Really? Cause it seems like maybe you’re not.”

I took a deep breath before telling him everything, more than I told anyone else. I don’t know why. Maybe because he was so calm, sitting there listening intently. Maybe because he wasn’t judging me or yelling at me, he just nodded and listened. Or maybe because he’s Matt and I know that he’s asking because he genuinely cares.  I always feel like I can tell him anything and he’ll somehow find a way to make everything ok.

Matt grabbed onto my hand, “I knew there was more, I mean I asked you. I straight up asked you yesterday and you said it was nothing.”

“I’m sorry,” I answered in a whisper.

“Don’t—I don’t want you to be sorry. I just mean I was there, we were alone. You could have told me.”

“There are so many things going on right now and I’m so overwhelmed and…” I trailed off.

Matt seemed satisfied enough, he nodded his head and we sat in silence for a few seconds before he spoke, “So when are you getting out?”

“This afternoon. Hopefully.”

He took a deep breath and looked around the room, “Where’s Chris? Want me to take him for a couple days?”

“He’s with Kelly, we’re fine. Thanks though.”

Matt nodded his head, “I just, I want to help, Mac. What can I do?”

I smiled and moved his hand to my heart, “you can call me tonight when you get out of work and see how I’m doing. You can call and check on Chris, maybe. You can take me out to lunch in a few days when I’m able to walk a little better.”

He smiled, satisfied, “Someone’s going to stay with you, right? Your mom or Kelly or,” he swallowed before finishing much softer, “Justin.”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead, but I’ll let you know.”

“OK because you can’t be alone. You and Chris can’t be alone. I can come if you—“

“I’ll let you know.”

“Alright,” he nodded his head and turned to the clock, “I hate to leave you, I wish I could stay. It’s just that I have this big meeting with REI. I tried to reschedule it but they flew in from Washington. They can probably handle the meeting without me, if you want me to stay.”

This man. This wonderful, kind, selfless, man. This handsome, caring, admirable man. How did I get so lucky to have him in my life? How did I get so stupid to let him get away?

“I absolutely want you to go to the meeting, Matt. This is huge, REI? Congratulations.”

He shrugged, putting his head down to hide the fact he was blushing, “It’s not done yet, it’s just a preliminary meeting. Just getting the feel of everything.”

“Still exciting.”

“We’ll see. I’ll call you later,” he pulled my hand to his lips before leaning over to kiss my forehead, “I’ll try to find Chris before I leave, see how he’s doing.”

“Thanks, Matt. Thanks for the flowers.”

“Sure. I’ll get your parents back in here,” I gave him a look and he chuckled, “I’ll call you later.”

Matt gave me a quick wave before leaving the room. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. I forgot about all the drama while he was here, I forgot about how mad my parents and Justin are at me. While Matt was here there was a calm that filled the room. Now Matt’s gone, and my parents walk in, and the tension is back. But not Justin, he’s still gone. 

March 13, 2001

Three weeks. 

Three more weeks until this baby comes out of me. I’m so uncomfortable, I can’t wait for that to happen.  I’m also absolutely terrified and don’t like to think about it too much because then I freak out for an entirely different reason. 

Instead, I sit at this piano and play; all day and all night. I know I made such a big deal about how I didn’t want this piano, that’s where the whole fight with Justin even started. But now that it’s here, I can’t even begin to explain what a savior it’s been. 

I’m grateful to have a piano, I still don’t think I should have John Lennon’s piano. It does sound amazing though, it has this feel to it like there’s something magical, spiritual. I’m not saying John Lennon’s spirit comes through me when I play this piano, I’m not crazy. I’m just saying it’s smooth. 

My mother has been here for the past few days, she’s basically moved in. I never technically invited her, but I feel much better having her here. I’m absolutely terrified, have I mentioned that?

This baby, this baby inside of me, really likes when I play the piano. It moves around, almost like it’s dancing, and not in a creepy way. To be honest, when it kicks, I usually think it’s weird. I can’t think about it, it makes the idea that there’s a living being inside me so real. But when I’m playing the piano, I love it when the baby dances. 

I haven’t spoken to Justin since that day two months ago. I may have been a little hard on him, but everything I said was true. It needed to be said. Sure, I could have said it nicer, but I’m always so focused on making him happy and I’m sick of putting on a happy face when I’m miserable. 

I still am miserable. I don’t understand how some women say that they love being pregnant and it’s such a wonderful. That’s not possible. It can’t only be this bad for me. They’re all liars.

My mother made me a milkshake, what I’ve been craving nonstop for the past few days. I’m definitely grateful for it, but she placed it right on the piano. I quickly lifted it off and yelled at her about putting a chocolate milkshake on a white piano. A white piano that used to belong to JOHN LENNON. 

I know I’m being a bitch, but I can’t stop it. She made me a milkshake, she didn’t have to do that. She doesn’t know about the piano, she doesn’t get it. My mother never really understood my obsession with the piano. She was happy I found something to do to keep me busy and out of trouble, but it was never that interesting to her. 

She’s been a saint, my mother. She’s been so sweet and helpful, even when I’m a complete and utter bitch. I guess she understands, she’s been there. She knows how hard this is for me. 

I took a big sip of the milkshake as Kelly made her way into the house. She’s been coming over often, too, here for moral support. Usually she’s on the couch, reading and studying, while I’m on the piano and my mother is cleaning or cooking. She needs to keep herself busy. 

I continued playing, and stopped to take another sip of my milkshake when I felt my stomach begin to cramp. It wasn’t just a cramp, my whole stomach was tightening so hard I couldn’t hold the milkshake anymore, and I spilt it all over the piano. All over the white, John Lennon piano. 

“What happened, are you ok?” Kelly shot up to help me, my mother came running in from the kitchen.

I peeled over in pain, “Wipe it up, can you wipe it up? It’s going to ruin the piano.”

I looked up to see my mother standing over me, she reached down to help me up, “What happened?”

“My whole… I’m ok, it was just a cramp. Can someone clean it up?”

Kelly cleaned up the mess and my mother helped me to the couch, assuring me I needed to relax for a minute. When I screamed a few minutes later, my whole body tightening, my mother said we needed to get to the hospital. I was having contractions.

“I can’t,” I cried, “I still have three weeks, I can’t.”

“Mackenzie, listen to me. We’re going to the hospital and they’re going to check you out. It’s probably just false labor, it’s probably nothing but we want to make sure. Try to stay calm, sweetie. It’s ok.” My mother tried really hard to lie to me and calm me down but I know better. I know that she’s a nurse and she’d know if it were false labor and she’d tell me to lay down and bring me water or something. As much as she’s trying to look calm and collect, I can see the truth in her eyes. She’s worried, and she wants to get me to the hospital as soon as possible. 

When we got to the hospital they checked me out and said I was going into labor, the baby was coming, but not quite yet. I was only three centimeters dilated, so they wanted to send me home and tell me to come back in a few hours. 

I threw a fit, of course, and cried like a baby. I can’t do this, in general, and now they want me to go home and just hang out for a couple hours and wait? What if something goes wrong? What if the baby comes faster than normal babies, it’s already three weeks early, that can’t be ok. Babies take nine months, all human babies take nine months. Why is my baby going to take eight?

It was Kelly’s job to try to calm me down while my mother talked to the nurse. Luckily they know her, or at least they know someone that knows her. I was put into a wheelchair and brought up to the maternity ward. 

I’m supposed to be calm but I hear people fucking screaming like they’re insides are being pulled out. Then I remember that’s exactly why they’re screaming, because a fucking baby that is inside of them is coming out of them. 

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this. It’s too early, I’m not ready. Like, the baby’s not ready, but I’m not ready. I’m not mentally ready, I’m not physically ready. I changed my mind, I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t.”

“You need to calm down,” my mother helped me into the bed and spoke calmly, turning on her nurse voice, although I can see in her eyes that she’s not as calm as she’s pretending to be, “If you’re stressed, the baby knows. That makes the baby stressed, and nothing good comes from that. Breathe. It’s going to be ok.”

“I can’t do this Mom!” I cried, tears falling down my face and blurring my vision, “I can’t! I can’t! I need more time, please give me more time!”

“Mackenzie, look at me,” she spoke softly and wiped my face, “You can do this. You will do this. Every human on this planet was born this way. Every single mother has done this. There so many weak people in this world and you are not one of them. They all did it, you can do it. Every mother is terrified. We all are. But we all do it, and you’re going to do it.”

Two hours later I was still laying in the bed, contractions coming every few minutes. 

Four hours later the contractions stopped. 

Five hours later my water broke and they started up again. 

Then they slowed down again, then started up again. There was talk of inducing labor, but since the due date isn’t for another three weeks they decided against that. Then there was talk of a c-section. 

Ten hours later and I just want it to be over. I want this damn baby out of me and I want to sleep. They tell me I should sleep but how am I supposed to sleep when my whole body convulses every few minutes? It’s 4:30 but I don’t even know if that’s day or night. The room doesn’t have a window. 

I want to die. I don’t want to do this. I want to die. 

I heard a commotion and looked up to see Justin running into the room. “Oh my god,” he spoke, completely out of breath, “Are you ok? Oh my god. I’m here.”

“Justin,” my father spoke calmly as he walked over to him, “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“I’m here,” he paused for a second and grabbed onto the foot of the bed, leaning down catch his breath, “with all due respect Mr C, I’m not leaving,” he took a few deep breaths, trying to steady his breathing, “I’m not leaving, Mac. I don’t care if you don’t want me here, it’s my damn kid and I can stay.”

“How did you know?” Now I’m back to crying, but for once the good kind of crying. I can’t believe he’s here, I never thought I’d see him again and I definitely didn’t think he’d be here for the birth of our child.

“Kelly… Kelly called me and I just ran out. Fuck, we had a show in Atlanta and we were at the venue and I just ran out and I grabbed a cab and I got to the airport and I,” he paused again, still not able to catch his breath, “They said the plane was full and I’d have to wait until the morning but I, I don’t know what happened, it’s all a blur. Someone gave me their seat, someone felt bad and then I got on the plane but it didn’t go.There was a delay and we were just trapped on the tarmac not moving. For so long we weren’t moving and all I could think was that I’d miss it, and something was wrong and there was nothing I could do. It’s too early, where are the doctors?” he looked around the room, “What’s happening? Why aren’t there any doctors in here?”

“I can’t believe you’re here. I didn’t think you’d come, I was sure you wouldn’t,” I was still crying, trying to stop so I could talk like a normal human being but it wasn’t working. Of course is wasn’t working. 

“I’m here, it’s ok. I’m here,” he leaned down and kissed me, causing a sudden calm to come over my body. At that moment I felt like it was all going to be alright, I felt like I could do anything now that Justin was there with me. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t know how I did it, I don’t know how it happened. All I know is that it happened. It took almost 24 hours, but it happened. I, we have a son. Christopher William. 6 pounds, 8 ounces. A good size for being three weeks early, that’s for sure. 

I didn’t feel that feeling I knew I was supposed to when I held him. It was nice, I was happy he was healthy and in this world, but I didn’t feel like suddenly my life got some kind of purpose. 

Justin, on the other hand, got that feeling. I could see it in his eyes, the way he looked at the baby as if he couldn’t remember life before him. I spent my time watching him, unable to keep his eyes of the baby. 

The nurse came in to try and help me with breastfeeding and Justin reluctantly handed the baby over. Chris surprisingly latched on right away and I watched him carefully as he figured out how to get milk. He is cute. He’s so tiny, but he’s awful adorable. 

Justin moved to the back of the room and turned his phone on for the first time since he left the venue in Atlanta.  It beeped nonstop for two minutes, telling him of all the missed calls, voicemails, and text messages he had. I focused on the baby, because I know this isn’t something to be discussed right now. 

Although I am wondering how he managed to get away and how much trouble he’s going to be in when he goes back. When he goes back. He’s going to have to go back, he can’t stay here forever. God, I wish he could stay here forever. I’m so completely overwhelmed already and it’s only been a few hours since the baby was even born. 

When the phone actually rang he took deep breath and picked it up, turning his back to me as if I couldn’t see him if he wasn’t looking at me. 

“Hey… yeah obviously,” he spoke sternly, “Yeah, Mac had the baby… I had to… of course I did… well I did, so fire me then… no seriously, if that’s what it is then fucking fire me… I know… Obviously I know we had a show… Obviously I don’t give a shit and I had to leave… I’m not… I’m not coming back today… I don’t care about the contract, maybe you should take me to court then… It would be all over the papers… I don’t care… No… No… No… At least a month… I don’t care… No… A month… No, a month… Look, it’s a month or take me to court… You are wasting so much of my fucking time right now, I need a month… I don’t care, figure it out… Good, I don’t care… No, don’t call me… So fire me, see what that gets you.” he moved the phone away from his ear and turned it off before placing it on the counter and slowly making his way to the bed. 

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. You know how it is.”

“Do you have to go back?”

He shook his head, “I have a month. They’re going to try to get me to go back before that, but i’m not. I have a whole month.”

“How did you manage that?”

Justin shrugged then started laughing hysterically, “They’re probably going to say I’m in rehab. According to them, having a drug problem would be far less damaging to my career than having a baby with the woman I’m in love with.” Justin calmed himself down and sat next to me on the bed and looked me right in the eyes as he spoke, “I want to stay with you and the baby at your house. If you don’t want me to, I don’t—“

“I want you to,” I answered softly. 

“Good. Cause I am.”

“Good,” I smiled as Justin leaned over and kissed my lips gently, “I missed you, Mac, I missed you so much.”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” he turned to look at the baby, “We made a pretty cute kid, huh?”

March 2014

I woke up from a short nap and looked around the room. It’s eerily quiet considering how many people are standing around. Everyone is still here, everyone but Justin.

I stretched my arm over my head and spoke softly, “You guys don’t have to stay.”

“The doctor came in while you were asleep. I’ll go tell the nurse,” my mother said, leaving the room before she even finished speaking. 

“I think you’re going to be released,” my father answered with a smile, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, just got a headache. Where’s Justin?”

My father shrugged, “he hasn’t been back.”

I looked at the clock, I was asleep for a good hour. He was gone for awhile before that. He was so mad I wouldn’t be surprised if he never came back.

My mother came back with a nurse who gave me more medicine. She asked how I was feeling and told me the doctor was on his way in. 

I looked to the door and saw Justin walk in. He kept his eyes on the ground and walked to the back of the room, standing next to my father. I watched him carefully, waiting for him to make some eye contact so I could see how mad he really is. He never looked up. I think that means he’s still pretty pissed. 

A tall doctor walked into the room, holding my chart. He smiled brightly, a perfect smile and ran his hand through his grey hair as he looked around the room, “Mackenzie, how are you feeling? it’s great to see you have such a wonderful support system here.”

“Yeah, they’re great,” I answered. 

“I’m going to go ahead and release you today, you’re doing much better and everything seems to be under control. I’d like to go over a few things with you, I don’t know if you want everyone here for that or—“

Justin looked up for the first time since he’s been back. He shot daggers at me with his eyes, daring me to tell him to leave. Instead, I turned to my son, “Chris.”

He huffed, but didn’t make a scene in front of the doctor, instead he made plenty of noises and left the room like an annoyed teenager. 

“OK,” the doctor smiled and closed the door behind Chris, “When you first came in we ran some tests and realized that there was a little bleeding in your brain. You had a bit of a brain hemorrhage, which is a kind of stroke. It sounds a lot scarier than is. Don’t get me wrong, it can be scary and it’s something we want to keep a close eye on. In your case, it wasn’t much and we were able to stop it with medication. We ran a lot of tests to double and triple check and you’re in the clear now. We’re going to have you follow up with a neurologist next week. Until then I want you to relax, stay off your feet, and don’t exert yourself. It’s really important that you take your time and don’t rush into things. I’m giving you a few prescriptions that you need to take to keep everything running smoothly. Any questions?” he asked me, but then looked around the room. “OK, as for your ribs, there’s really not much that we can do but wait for that. Ribs heal on their own, so there may be some pain and I’m going to give you some medicine for that pain, which will also help with the leg and any other pain you have from the accident. You also want to put an ice pack on it for twenty minutes every hour you’re awake for at least another two days. After that you can go down to twenty minutes every three hours or so. I’ll give you some ice packs that you can take home. We’re going to have you back in another two weeks to check that out. No driving, alcohol, or lifting heavy things for awhile. You need to call us if you have any problems, especially if you have a hard time breathing, as that might be a sign of pneumonia and we need to get that under control quickly. Any other questions? You’ll need someone to look after you for awhile. Take advantage of it. You’re a mother, you’re working, take some time for yourself.”

I was relieved to go home, but then it sunk in that I’d be spending the next few weeks, or more likely months, stuck at home and bored out of my mind. I have a hard time keeping still, I get bored easily. This is not going to be easy.

Justin drove Chris and I home, although he still hasn’t said a word to me. I heard him tell my parents he was going to stay with us for awhile, but once again, he’s giving me the silent treatment. 

We picked up a pizza on the way home, and Chris grabbed it and ran to open the front door.  Justin helped me out of the car and finally spoke to me, “Don’t rush, careful.”

That doesn’t really count as speaking to me but, it’s three whole words directed at me so I’ll take it. 

“Thank you,” I answered softly as he helped me to the couch. 

He nodded once in my direction, “Chris, want to help me get everything from the car?”

Chris jogged to catch up to Justin, who was already halfway down the driveway before he finished the question. I looked around my empty house, trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to be stuck here for a while. What am I going to do with myself? 

I don’t like sitting still. I don’t like being stuck and trapped in my own house. I’ve been home for two minutes and already have cabin fever. This is going to be horrible.

Chris placed the pizza on the coffee table and went back into the kitchen to grab a bottle of soda and three glasses. He then went back for plates and napkins. At first I felt proud that he’s helping out but then I remembered he’s been eating junk at the hospital for the past two days and now we’re finally home and it’s more junk. I’m not winning any parent awards, that’s for sure. 

We all sat around eating in silence. Justin’s still mad, so mad in fact that he’s not even looking up. Chris looks between the two of us and chuckles before grabbing another piece of pizza. 

“Do you have homework, sweetie?”

“Nope.”

“Are you sure?”

Chris let out a sigh, “I’ll check, can I eat first?”

“Yeah, I guess you can eat first,” I answered back in a similar tone. 

He chuckled again and looked over at Justin, then we all continued eating in silence. 

I thought things were awkward before, back when Justin and Chris didn’t know how to even acknowledge each other. Now Justin can’t even manage to look at me. 

“So…” Chris held the word out for a few seconds and looked between Justin and I.

I looked at my son, and noticed Justin still staring at his pizza out of the corner of my eye, “So what, Chris? You want to chat? We’ve had a pretty stressful day, but we can chat if you want.”

Chris shook his head and turned to Justin, “How come you’re not talking? JUSTIN!”

Justin finally looked up and joined the conversation, “Yeah?”

“How come you’re not talking?” Chris repeated. 

“I’m talking,” Justin chuckled, “Since when do you want me to talk?”

“I don’t want you to talk it’s just SO. QUIET.”

I couldn’t help but smile as I reached for another piece of pizza. This may be the first time I’ve ever heard Chris talk to Justin on his own, and it’s to tell him to talk more. 

We went back to silence and continued eating the pizza. After a few seconds Chris spoke up again, “he has a picture of you in his wallet.”

“What the hell, Chris?” Justin spoke up quickly, looking almost embarrassed. 

“What? You do!” Chris turned to me, “He does,” he spoke before standing up and giving Justin a smug smile, “Gonna get my backpack.”

And with that he was gone. I looked over at Justin who grabbed the empty paper plates and cleared the table. I don’t know why he’s acting so embarrassed about that, I know he has plenty of pictures of Chris and I, it’s probably one of those from when Chris was first born. It’s hardly a big deal. 

Justin sat down and took a deep breath as if he really has to give himself a pep talk to even talk to me, “I’m going to run home and get some clothes and stuff. I’ll be back in an hour. Do you need anything before I go? Do you want me to stop anywhere? Want me to take you upstairs or do you want to stay here?”

“I’m fine here. I’m ok. Are you ok?”

He shook his head, “You should have told me, Mac.”

“Well…”

“No, don’t just brush over it and act like it’s not a big deal. It’s a big fucking deal. I was there with you, I didn’t know what to do. I should have called your parents. You have a son, you’re a mother and you just avoid it and think, what? if you don’t talk about it with anyone it won’t happen? It’s fucked up, Mac.”

I swallowed hard, “I’m sorry if you were worried, but—“

“You’re sorry if I was worried. You’re sorry if I didn’t know what to do. Can you take any responsibility?”

“Take responsibility for what? For making a decision to keep something private so everyone doesn’t freak out over something that ends up being nothing? Justin, there’s this thing called HIPAA and it protects a patient’s privacy. Legally, I have every right to keep it to myself.”

“Legally, here we go,” he threw his arms up. He always hates when I bring up the legal aspect of things, how legally he wasn’t supposed to be seeing Chris when he was born. I know I tend to use that argument when it suits me and ignore it when it doesn’t. 

“Well it’s true. Really, what I should do is take that Andrea lady to court because she has broken so many laws she should lose her license.”

“It’s not about the legal ramifications of it, Mac. It’s me, it was me standing there with you. Not some fucking nurse you don’t know, it was me. You were bleeding. From. Your. Brain. Mackenzie. Don’t act like that’s not a big deal.”

“I’m fine,” I answered softly. 

“You’re not fine. Look at you. You can hardly move.”

As I looked at Justin it finally made sense. He’s so mad, he’s turning red, and his eyes look like they’re filling with water. He was worried about me. We’ve been through a lot and he still cares about me, even if it’s just because I am the mother of his child.  

Chris made his way back downstairs and Justin turned his back to us, then grabbed his cup and brought it into the kitchen. 

“I just have to read one chapter,” Chris said as he plopped down on the ground in front of the couch. 

“OK,” I messed up his hair, “Get reading.”

“I’ll be back in an hour,” Justin said as he walked past us and to the door, “Call me if you need anything.”

Chris watched as Justin left, and waited until he heard the car move out of the driveway before turning to me. He placed his book behind him and crossed his legs underneath him. 

“What?” I asked the question, not ready to sit there and have Chris just stare at me for who knows how long. 

“Mom, he has a picture of you in his wallet. That’s weird! How come you don’t think that’s weird?”

“What are you doing looking in his wallet?”

“I’m not!” he sighed and threw his head back, “He told me that he was there when I was born and took out his wallet to show me a picture of him holding me in the hospital when I was just born.”

“He’s your father, Chris. That’s not weird.”

Chris threw his head back and sighed again, even louder this time. “Not of me! He had a picture just of you. By yourself. Only you. I saw it. It fell out when he was trying to show me the other picture. He grabbed it quick and put it back in his wallet and pretended it wasn’t there.  It was weird. I’m telling you it’s weird.”

“I don’t think it’s that weird,” I lied. It is a little weird, why would he have a picture of me, by myself? I don’t even know when he would have gotten a picture of me by myself. 

“Do you have a picture of him in your wallet?”

“I do not.”

“Cause it would be weird if you did! He knew it was weird cause that’s why he hid it from me and why he got mad when I told you and why he left.”

I shook my head, trying desperately to pass it off as something minor, although I am a little confused about it. Most importantly, I’m not sure why Chris decided to tell me about it, “So was that all part of your plan, to make him leave? Because he’s coming back.”

Chris laughed, “No. I’m just telling you!”

“Well thanks,” I rolled my eyes and messed up his hair, “So tell me about your night with Justin. How did it go?”

He shrugged, “fine.”

“Did you talk to him at all?”

“Yeah,” he held it out much longer than necessary, “He said he was there when I was born and things got in the way and he wanted to stay but he couldn’t. BlahBlahBlah.”

I nodded my head, making a mental note to ask Justin more about it when they get back. “How was his house?”

“Big. He has a waterfall in his pool.”

“Cool, right?”

“Yeah, cool.”

“Anything else you want to tell me about? Any new questions you want to ask?”

He turned to me, as if he were really considering opening up about everything. Instead, he smiled, “Can I have some ice cream?”

“No!” I playfully pushed his head away, “You’ve had so much junk these past few days. Did you eat at Justin’s last night?”

He nodded, “We got burgers on the way home.”

More junk.

“What about breakfast?”

“He made bacon and eggs and pancakes.”

I raised an eyebrow, Justin made him breakfast, a big breakfast. I’m a little impressed. 

“Any fruit?”

Chris shrugged, “I had a banana.”

“Can you eat some fruit now please? There’s bananas and apples in the kitchen. I’ll take an apple.”

I was surprised when he stood up without whining and came back with two apples. “Thank you, sweetie.”

“I’m gonna help out, Mom. You don’t have to worry,” he said before taking a big bite of the apple. 

“I don’t worry about you.”

“I know but Nana was really mad and said I need to help you and I said I would and she said you better.”

I took a deep breath, annoyed once again with my mother. “Nana was stressed, don’t worry about her.”

“Cause you were really hurt?”

“A little, but I’m ok now. It was just a little scary for everyone.”

“Is that why Justin is mad at you?”

“You really think he’s mad at me?” Chris nodded his head and I smiled, “Yeah, I think he was just a little scared because he was there with me.”

“I was a little scared too, you know.”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just going to take a little while but I’ll be back to normal soon.”

“It’s ok,” he answered softly and rested his head on the couch next to me, “Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

Chris inhaled a long breath, still trying to decide if he should tell me or not. He climbed up on he couch next to me and spoke shyly, “On the way back to the hospital we stopped to get you flowers. And we walked in the store and everyone was like, watching him. Then there were these girls and they were just following us, like pretending they weren’t but they were. I even saw them taking a picture of him.”

I wrapped my arm around my son and pulled him closer to myself, being careful not to make him press against my ribs too hard, “That must have made you feel really uncomfortable, huh?”

He shrugged, “Just weird. Does that happen all the time?”

I bit at my lip as I remembered Chris hasn’t been in public with Justin yet, besides the basketball game but that doesn’t count since we had the suite. He’s not used to the awkward looks and the sneaky cell phone pictures and the random screaming. “Sometimes it happens,” I answered honestly, “Sometimes people get really excited when they see him. Sometimes people get really mad when they see him, and they yell mean things. I think most of the time people just look and maybe follow him a little. But not all the time. Justin knows some places he can go where no one bothers him. Unfortunately, he also knows some places he can’t go because people will bother him too much.”

Chris bit his upper lip, an adorable thing he does when he’s really thinking. 

I smiled, “What did Justin do? Did he say anything?”

He shook his head, “he just walked around and acted normal.”

It wouldn’t surprise me if Justin didn’t even notice. I’d imagine he’s used to it by now. I’ll have to ask him about it when he gets back. 

“It’s definitely something that takes some time to get used to. It’s kind of awkward. When I first met Justin that was really weird for me too.”

“But you got used to it?”

I nodded my head, it’s not a complete lie. I kind of got used to it, that doesn’t mean I like it, “Justin was always good at finding ways to go around unnoticed. He’d wear hats and sunglasses and he liked to blend in with crowds,” I smiled as I remembered our trip to New York back when we first started dating, “I’m surprised he didn’t have on a hat when you went to get me flowers. He probably wasn’t thinking straight and just stopped at a store in an area he probably wouldn’t have stopped at.”

Chris nodded and rested his head on my shoulder. 

“I’m sorry sweetie, I know how difficult this is. There’s always so many more challenges with Justin, things are never as easy as they could be. But it’s worth getting to know him, I promise he’s worth it.”

March 18, 2001

We came home from the hospital three days ago. That’s it. They just told us we could go. I mean, they just let us leave with this baby I wasn’t supposed to  have for another three weeks. 

I don’t understand how it happened, but it happened. All I know is that I’m supposed to be so happy and in love with this little angel that is my son. I don’t feel that way though, not at all. I feel like my whole life is over. I’m never going to be able to sleep again. All I do is what this baby wants to do. When he cries I have to do something to make him stop. I don’t know what to do. If he’s crying he’s usually hungry, or he has a dirty diaper, or he has gas. But sometimes it’s none of those things and he just cries for the hell of it. 

I was supposed to have three more weeks. 

I don’t even know if he’s getting any food. How am I supposed to tell? There’s no full or empty button when you’re breastfeeding. For all I know my boobs don’t work and I’m starving the kid. No one taught me how to breastfeed. They all told me I should breastfeed and it’s the healthiest option but no one thought it would be helpful to teach me how to do it. A nurse at the hospital just watched as I pushed my son’s face into my nipple and said I was doing a good job. But how do I know if I really am doing a good job?

I was supposed to have three more weeks. 

My nipples hurt. My whole body hurts. I need a three week vacation to wake up and deal with this. 

I was supposed to have three more weeks. 

“Mac. Mac!”

I heard my name being repeated and woke up from my daze to see Justin standing in the doorway holding onto the crying baby. 

“Are you ok?”

I nodded my head and realized I had been sitting, crosslegged, in the middle of the bed staring at the wall. 

“I think he’s hungry.”

Of course he’s hungry. He’s always hungry. I nodded and pulled my entire shirt over my head. I moved the pillows against the headboard and scooted back, placing the pillows around me. Slowly, I reached my arms out and waited for Justin to place the baby in them. 

I felt Justin’s eyes on me but couldn’t even bother to look up at him. 

“Do you—do you need anything?”

I swallowed hard and tried desperately to keep myself together, “Some water?”

“Yeah, ok, I’ll be right back.”

What I really want is to lock myself alone in a room and scream. What I really want is to get in my car and just drive, I don’t care where, I just want to go somewhere. Anywhere. What I really want is those three more weeks.

Justin came back a few seconds later with a big glass of ice water and a straw. He held it out for me to take a sip, then sat down next to me on the bed. 

“How are you doing?” he asked sincerely. 

“I’m really cold.”

“Of course you are, why did you take your whole shirt off?”

I looked down and actually laughed, “I have no idea.”

“You need to try to sleep, Mac.”

It’s a joke really, the whole idea of sleeping. I can’t sleep if the baby doesn’t sleep and he doesn’t sleep, or he sleeps for like ten minutes at a time. Usually, right when I’m about to fall asleep he wakes up again. Thank god Justin is here, he has some sort of natural gift when it comes to taking care of this kid, but the reality is he’s going to be leaving soon. I can’t even think about that right now.

I looked down at my son and realized he was asleep. He does this all the time, he cries so we try feeding him and then he just falls asleep. As soon as I move him away from me he wakes up and cries again. It’s a never-ending cycle. 

“He’s sleeping,” I spoke in a whisper. I have no energy left. None.

Justin looked down at our sleeping son, then pulled my shirt down over my head. I need him to get me dressed now, apparently. “I’ll take him downstairs and you can sleep.”

“He’s going to wake up as soon as I move him,” I whined, “I’m going to just lay down here with him. Is that bad?”

“The doctors said you shouldn’t sleep with him in the bed.”

I let out a sigh, I know they said that but am I really going to roll over on my son? I feel like that’s something that never really happens. I’m so tired I won’t be moving at all. 

“Well, I don’t know what else to do,” I began to cry, “he’s going to wake up as soon as I move him and I can’t sleep—“

“Alright, just lay down,” Justin answered calmly, anything to stop my breakdown, “I’ll stay up here and make sure he’s ok.”

~~~~~~~~~~

When I woke up it was pitch black. I shot up, having a feeling in my gut that I rolled over and crushed our son. Or I threw him on the floor. Or I pushed him off the bed. Or I’ve been asleep for days and he hasn’t eaten since. I carefully reached to the light on the bedside table and noticed I was alone in the room. 

“Justin!” I called out. I don’t know where the baby is, I LOST THE BABY!

“We’re downstairs!” he called up. 

“I don’t know what— I lost the baby, I don’t know where he is!” I shouted back, feeling my whole body shut down. 

“He’s down here, we’re down here,” he shouted up, then arrived at the door out of breath, “Are you alright?”

“Where’s the baby?”

“He’s downstairs, he’s alright. He’s sleeping. Trace is here, and Kelly. They brought dinner, they both brought dinner. We have pizza and Chinese food,” he smiled, he’s trying so hard to make me feel better but honestly, I just want to punch him. I don’t know why, he’s being great, but I want to fucking punch him.

I felt my heart start beating again and tried to catch my breath, “I thought I pushed him off the bed or I rolled over on him.”

“I’m sorry, you fell asleep and he was waking up so I brought him downstairs.”

I let out a sigh of relief. 

“Babe, you’re fine,” he leaned down and kissed me gently, “You’re doing great, you know that, right?”

I shook my head, “I’m horrible at this. I don’t know what I’m doing and I can’t make him happy.”

“He’s only three days old he has to get used to life outside your stomach. It’s cold out here. And bright.”

I laughed and wrapped my arms around Justin, “Thanks for being here Justin. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He nodded his head, and I watched the smile slowly slide off his face. He’s thinking about when he has to leave, and now I’m thinking about it too. I don’t want to think about that but it’s something that just creeps up on me, even if he still has almost a month before he leaves. 

“Do you want to rest a little more?”

I shook my head, “I’m awake now, the baby must be hungry.”

Justin grabbed onto my arm and helped me up, “We better get down there then, probably shouldn’t leave Trace and Kelly alone for too long. Don’t want them to get themselves into too much trouble.”

As we stepped downstairs Trace walked into the living room from the kitchen, with two bottles of beer in his hand, “Hey!” he placed a beer in front of Kelly, who was holding Chris, and pulled me into a hug, “Congratulations! He’s cute. He looks like a fucking alien, but in a good way.”

“Thanks, Trace,” I laughed at his honesty. 

“And this is great, you two here. Together. I mean, the three of you. One happy little family,” he turned to Kelly, “Why are you kicking me?”

“Why do you think, you dumbass?” Kelly answered with an eye roll before turning her attention to the baby in her arms, “He was looking right at me, I swear.”

I smiled and sat down next to her, “Chris loves his Auntie Kelly.”

“Of course he does. But not as much as he loves his Mommy.”

“He loves his Mommy because she has the magic boob juice,” I said as she handed over my son and I pulled my shirt down. 

“Dude, what are you doing? Stop looking at her!” Justin yelled at Trace. 

“I’m not looking at her,” he answered. 

“I see you fucking looking at her. Stop, she’s feeding my fucking son, dude,” Justin stood in front of me and held up a blanket to block any view Trace may have of me. 

“I know it’s really sexy, but—“ I began sarcastically. 

“I’m not looking at you! I swear to god I’m not looking at you! That’s the most awkward thing I’ve seen in my life and I absolutely don’t want to see your baby sucking on your girlfriend’s tit.”

“Aww, Trace,” I laughed and pushed Justin away so I could see him, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but it’s a natural thing.”

“That’s fine, it’s great but I don’t want to see it,” he said, looking up at the ceiling, “I don’t know where to look.”

“How about my eyes? You could look in my eyes.”

“It’s impossible to look in your eyes when your boob is just hanging out like that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his awkwardness. This is the best I’ve felt in the past few days.

“I’m just going to go in the kitchen,” he turned and walked away, “Do what you gotta do and I’ll come back when you’re finished.”

“It’s not even a boob anymore, it’s a bottle,” I turned to Kelly, “I can’t even think straight anymore. I just pulled my boob out in front of Trace.”

“You’ve lost your mind,” Kelly laughed, “Guess I’m going to have to see Justin’s dick.”

Justin chuckled and shook his head as he walked away from us and into the kitchen, “Girl’s got jokes.”

“Come back Justin, I’m not joking,” she called after him, “It’s only fair!”

“Keep the dream alive, Kel,” Justin shouted from the kitchen. 

“I think you’re the one that’s lost her mind, Kel,” I laughed and rested my head on her shoulder, “Can you stay here forever?”

She nodded her head and reached down to touch Chris’s tiny hands, “You’re not going to be able to get rid of me.”

March 2014

I should have given Justin a key, that would have been the smart thing to do. Actually, he might already have a key. He definitely used to have one, but that was thirteen years ago. Maybe he has it hidden somewhere, near that picture he apparently has of me in his wallet. 

It was when the doorbell rang that I realized I should have given Justin a key, also that I really hate the doorbell in this house. I’ve hated it since I moved in and I don’t know why I never got around to changing it. Probably because I have no idea how to change a doorbell. 

When Justin came inside he went right upstairs to drop off his bag. Then, he came into the living room and stood with his arms crossed across his chest looking down at me, “Need anything?”

I shook my head and he went into the kitchen, getting me a new ice pack. Every twenty minutes.  “Thank you.”

He nodded his head and moved to sit on the chair across from the couch. He kept his eyes down, as if it was too much for him to even look at me. 

Chris looked between the two of us and laughed again, “Cool. Still not talking. I’m going to bed.”

“Why don’t you shower tonight so you don’t have to in the morning,” I still need to remind him to shower because I already know there’s no chance he’s going to wake up on time to shower in the morning. “Did you ask Landon if his parents can give you a ride to school?”

“Oh yeah,” Chris pulled out his phone and began texting. Chris pulled out his phone. 

His phone.

His iPhone. 

Chris has an iPhone.

WHY DOES CHRIS HAVE AN IPHONE?

“What is— “ I had to pause to catch my breath, “Where did you get that?”

Chris’s eyes darted to Justin then back at me, “It’s just, I—“

“Chris, where did you get an iPhone?” I turned to Justin, “did you buy him an iPhone?”

“Come on Ma,” Chris whined. 

“Are you serious? You bought him an iPhone? He was with you for like eight hours, how did you even—?”

“I didn’t buy him an iPhone,” Justin spoke up for once, “I had an extra one, I gave it to him.” Justin turned to Chris, then back at me, “I don’t get the big deal, is he not supposed to have an iPhone?”

“It’s fine, I can have an iPhone,” Chris answered, then turned his attention to me and started to whine, “Come on, Mom it’s fine.”

“It’s not really fine. We’ve been talking about it for a long time and decided you’re not really ready for an iPhone.”

“No, you decided I wasn’t ready for—“

“Yeah right, cause I’m the mom,” I didn’t let Chris finish. 

“It’s not fair, he gave it to me.”

Justin looked at me then back at Chris, as if this were some kind of parenting test he needed to pass. It’s not a parenting test, but why did he give my son a fucking iPhone? “If you aren’t supposed to have one then I—“

“No, you can’t take it back,” Chris whined, not letting Justin finish his thought, “You’re just mad cause I told her about the picture.”

“Chris, enough,” I swear, I need him to stop talking about that damn picture.

Justin licked his lips and shook his head, “I’m sorry I didn’t know you don’t want him to have one. I have a couple at home that I got from different things and they’re just laying around. He saw one and I gave it to him. Just, ya’know, trying to buy his love.”

“And it’s working, Mom! I’m starting to love him!” Chris answered without missing a beat. 

I laughed so hard that it hurt. I laughed so hard that tears were falling from my eyes and I couldn’t stop my body from shaking.  We all laughed, the three of us. Mother, father, son. For once, even if only for a minute, the three of us were happy. 

We calmed down and were brought back to reality. Chris went to get ready for bed and Justin helped me up to my room. I could tell he was still mad at me. Unfortunately, our laughing fest couldn’t fix everything. 

He stood by the door and placed his hands in his pockets nervously, “Need anything else?” 

“I’m good, thank you. Do you think we could talk for a minute? Can you shut the door?”

He nodded his head and closed the door before sitting next to me on the bed. We both sat in silence. God it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a bed with him and it’s so awkward. 

I took a deep breath before beginning, “I should have told you, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to get you nervous and I didn’t want to think about it. I know it was stupid and I should have told you, of all people, so I’m sorry.”

Justin bit at his lip and looked at the wall, before turning to me, “I was scared, I didn’t know what was going on and I was there when it happened. I saw you fall and I knew it was bad and if anything were to happen to you I don’t know I’d—I can’t even think about what I’d—“ he paused, “I shouldn’t have taken you on the hike. I should have called your parents, I mean I should have called an ambulance when you fell.”

“It’s not your fault and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But please Justin, I’m fine. I’ll be fine soon. It was my own stupid klutz tendencies that got me hurt, it has nothing to do with you. Can we just call a truce and move on?”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head,  “let’s move on,”

“Great,” I paused for a half a second then continued, “Can you please tell me what happened when you took Chris home?”

Justin chuckled and fell onto his back, “Yeah, let’s talk about that. God, I needed you there, it was so fucking awkward at first.  He was quiet the whole ride to my house, didn’t say a word. I didn’t either, I mean I couldn’t think of one thing to say to him. I don’t know why he makes me so nervous. I have no problem talking to complete strangers and bullshitting, but with Chris, my own son, I can’t think of one thing to say to him. I’m off my game, he gets in my brain and I’m a blubbering fool.”

“Probably because he is your son,” I laughed, “and you haven’t seen him and you’re just getting to know him. You put too much pressure on yourself, it’s completely normal things are a little awkward.”

“Yeah, right. I know,” he nodded his head, “I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out.”

“So am I, are you kidding? I don’t think I’ve known what I was doing even once since he was born. I feel like my whole life is taking chances and hoping for the best.”

“Well, you’re doing good job Mac, he’s a good kid.”

“Yeah, he’s alright. I can’t take all the credit though. I sometimes think he’s so great in spite of me, not because of me.”

“It’s absolutely because of you, don’t be ridiculous.”

I shrugged, “You remember what I was like when we first brought him home.”

“You had postpartum depression, Mac. It’s a real thing, it was diagnosed.”

“I know, but you were so good with him.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t have postpartum,” he turned to me and smiled, “get over yourself.”

I chuckled, “Also you don’t sleep, so that wasn’t a big deal for you.”

“Yeah, good point. You need, what, fourteen hours of sleep to function? Are you still like that?”

“Yeah, don’t you dare wake me up.”

“That lesson was learned a long time ago,” he turned back to the ceiling and smiled.

“You saved me that month, you know. When Chris was first born.”

I waited for a response, and looked over at him when I didn’t get one. He had his eyes closed and swallowed before answering, “I think that’s being a little dramatic, Mac. I hardly saved you. I helped out for a month. It should have been longer.”

“I didn’t think I was going to get you at all so, you being there, even only for a month, really did save me.”

He smiled, then opened his eyes and turned back to me, “OK. Whatever you say, Mac.”

Justin’s always so hard on himself about everything that happened with Chris. The whole situation sucks, and I’m sure it could have been handled better, but it really isn’t his fault. I wish he wasn’t so hard on himself. He needs to know that he actually did help me out a lot. Maybe not in the way he would have liked, but he made things a lot easier in different ways. 

“OK, fine, Keep going, why did you stop? Tell me what happened!”

“Alright, yeah,” he chuckled before continuing,  “Anyway, the only thing I said to him on the way home was if he wanted to get burgers or pizza. We got burgers. Then we went home and ate and just kind of looked at each other for a while. Then it was like something happened and he got all this confidence and started asking me questions. Serious questions,  like how we met.”

“I already told him how we met.”

“I know, I knew you would have. He said he wanted to make sure the story matched.”

I laughed at my sweet, pessimistic son, “Oh god.”

“So, I told him the truth. I don’t know if that’s what you told him. I don’t know if you sugarcoated it because I told him everything. How I saved your life cause of your guacamole eye and I tricked you into thinking I was just some kid from Kentucky.”

“Oh please,” I rolled my eyes, “You saved my life, huh?”

“Alright, maybe I didn’t save your life but if I didn’t help you, you’d most likely be blind right now.”

“Yeah absolutely, if you didn’t help me I’d be blind” I answered sarcastically,  “You’re so modest and also so absolutely full of shit, but whatever.”

“I am not full of shit it’s what happened,” he chuckled, “Anyway, I told him how you impressed me with your piano skills and I impressed you with my boyish good looks.” I rolled my eyes again but he continued softly, “I told him how I fell for you so fast that it felt like a dream. Everything happened so fast.”

I nodded my head, thinking back to our love story. It was quite the whirlwind romance, that’s for sure. 

He took a deep breath, slowly letting it out, “Anyway, I don’t know. I told him we were together until the end of your pregnancy, and I was there when he was born. And we were on and off for awhile and things were complicated.” 

“What did he say?”

“He seemed satisfied with it, I don’t know. He didn’t really say anything. He just said what I told him about how we met was different from what you told him, but still the same.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I guess it means I gave more details, you should really work on your story telling skills, Mac.”

I chuckled, “I guess so. What else?”

Justin shrugged, “I showed him his room and gave him some sweats. We talked about how tall he is and how he’s doing with basketball.”

“Yeah, yeah, what else?”

“That’s it really. He went to sleep, woke up, I made breakfast. That’s when he saw the iPhone. He said how cool it was and that he wanted one and I told him to keep it. I helped him set it up and then that was it. I lost him.  He was done. I don’t think he looked up from that damn thing once until we got back to the hospital. Which now makes sense, given that you didn’t want him to have one. The little punk was hiding it from you.”

“Exactly.”

Justin looked up at the ceiling and smiled, “But it made him like me for a minute so I’ll take it.”

“Buying love, typical Justin,” I answered with a smile. 

“Please,” Justin chuckled and elbowed me. He elbowed me. I am full of bandages and broken bones and he elbowed me. 

“Oww, are you serious?” I pretended that it hurt, “I’m injured!” 

“I hardly touched you!” Justin chuckled, “So dramatic. Typical Mackenzie.”

I kicked him, because luckily he was laying next to my good leg. We laughed, then he turned to me and I saw the smile slide off his face, “I better get to bed,” he stood up.

I nodded my head, unable to find words to speak. 

“What do you need before you go to bed?”

“Um…” I bit at my lip as if I were really thinking, “a milkshake?”

“Yeah right, how about a new ice pack? And some water. Do you have your phone charger up here? Call me if you need me in the middle of the night. I’ll be up early anyway, so make sure,” Justin spoke as he left the room. 

I let out a sigh when I could tell he was downstairs. This is going to be bad. I have a horrible feeling this is going to be really bad.

April 4, 2001

At what point does this kid stop crying? At what point does he sleep for more than an hour at a time? At what point do I get to sleep for more than an hour at a time?

When am I going to learn what his cries mean so I can stop them?

I didn’t want him. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s not like we planned this and I was ready to be a mother. Hell, I don’t even know if I even wanted kids in general. I’m not even talking about now, I’m talking about ever. Like, not even in ten years when I’m married and have an actual career and have maybe done something with my life. 

“Shut up,” I whispered to the crying baby that would not latch on to my nipple, “I swear to god, shut up.”

I looked over at Justin who was sleeping soundly next to me and wanted so bad to punch him in the throat. I’m so mad that he’s able to sleep through the screaming, but then I feel guilty because in reality he’s probably been awake more than I have. I need more sleep than he does, it’s always been that way. 

The lack of sleep is absolutely killing me. 

“I swear to god you little shit, shut up,” I whispered again, immediately feeling guilty for talking to my son like that, but WHY WON’T HE STOP CRYING? 

Now I’m crying, which tends to be the way this works. He cries, then I cry, then Justin wakes up and becomes the hero when he picks up our son and rocks him and sings to him. Then the baby stops crying and slowly, I stop crying, but only until I realize he’s leaving next week and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to stop the crying ever again.

I took a deep breath and moved the baby so I could check his diaper, that is, in fact, wet. Of course it is.  I slowly slid out of bed and made my way into his room to change his diaper. There has to be a better way to do this. 

He stopped crying, but he’s still not quiet. He’s fussy and making these faces like he just hates life. 

Me too kid, me too.

I picked him up and slid down to the floor, laying him on my thighs so I could look down at him. I know I’m a horrible person for thinking this, but he looks like an alien. I really hope he grows into this because his head is so big and he moves his nose like a rabbit. He makes such weird noises and I swear to god his eyes are crossed. Why doesn’t anyone talk about that? Everyone looks at him so much but no one mentions that his eyes are crossed. Maybe I’m supposed to be the one to bring it up since he’s technically my kid, but I feel like I can’t be the only one that notices it. 

He may have smiled. 

For a second, he smiled and I thought maybe this whole thing wasn’t so bad. But then he started crying again and I was reminded how ridiculous it is. I can’t do this. I’m never going to be able to do it. Usually people say the first few weeks are the hardest and it will get easier but that’s not going to happen for me. After the first few weeks I’m going to be all alone and I’m not going to be able to handle it. It’s never going to get easier, because there will always be new problems. He’ll be teething, then he’ll be crawling and walking, and he’ll be falling in the playground and he’ll be smoking and doing drugs and having sex. 

“Stop crying,” I spoke aloud. I haven’t tried that yet, a direct order. He should listen to his mother and shut the fuck up. 

It didn’t work, obviously, because he doesn’t understand and also because he’s a little shit that has no respect. So I pulled out my boob and lifted him up to it, hoping for the best. 

Of course it didn’t work, he just got more upset. He’s tired, I’m tired, so maybe he should just chill out and sleep. 

“I swear to god if you don’t stop crying I’m going to fucking… I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going drop you or like throw you or lock you in a room and go to the other side of the house so I can get some goddamn quiet. Shut up! Why are you always crying? Take the fucking boob if you're hungry you little shit.”

I looked to the door when I heard Justin coming in. He had a look of disgust covering his face and reached down to grab Chris from my arms. 

I don’t know what he heard, but I hope he didn’t hear everything I said. I could see how that would look bad. Based on that look he’s giving me I think it’s fair to say he heard everything. 

“He’s hungry,” I spoke in a whisper. 

“He’s not hungry. Go to bed.”

“He might be hungry,” I hate how Justin talks like that, like he knows everything and just because he says Chris isn’t hungry means he isn’t hungry. He has no idea. I have no idea either, but at least I don’t pretend I do. 

“He’s not hungry, Mac. If he was he’d be eating. What are you doing in here anyway?”

“I had to change him,” I whined, feeling attacked. 

“Alright, go to bed. I got it.”

I couldn’t move, I just watched Justin rocking Chris in his arms and within seconds Chris was quiet. Why can’t I do that? I’m supposed to be the one that can do that. 

“Go to bed,” Justin repeated. 

“I’m not… tired. What if I’m not tired?” I held back a yawn, it’s obvious I’m exhausted, but I hate how he just comes in here and tells me what to do. Maybe I don’t want to go to bed. 

“You’re tired, Mac. Stop being so fucking stubborn and go to bed.”

“Sure, I just do anything you say. Because you’re the hero, right? You just come in and pick him up and he stops crying. Justin to the rescue. Saving the day,” I answered in the bitchiest way possible. 

Justin threw his head back and took a deep breath. He’s reaching his point with me, and I don’t even care. Maybe he’ll take the fucking baby and leave, the both of them. Forever. That’d be great. “Just go to sleep, Mac,” he replied softly. 

“What if he has to eat?”

“I’ll figure it out. Go to sleep.”

“I don’t want to go to sleep!”

“Fine, don’t go to sleep. Just leave us alone.”

I watched as he stepped over me and walked down the hall. How can he tell me to leave my son alone? It’s not like I’m bothering him, HE’S BOTHERING ME.  I waited until I heard Justin go down the stairs before I went into the bedroom and crawled into bed, falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. 

When I woke up the next morning I had that sudden fear that I forgot what happened to my son.

Then I remembered. 

It was quiet, so I took the chance to do something I haven’t done in a few days; shower. When I made my way downstairs I saw Justin asleep on the couch with the baby sleeping on his stomach. It was kind of cute, actually, and I think I might have smiled. 

I quietly made my way into the kitchen, put on some coffee, and cooked some bacon and eggs. When the crying began again I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Justin stood up and rocked him and it stopped. Just like that. 

I made my way over to Justin with a cup of coffee and held it out as a peace offering, “Trade ya?”

“Thanks, but I’ll take both.”

“He has to be hungry, Justin.”

Justin swallowed hard and nodded his head before motioning me to sit down on the couch. He handed me the baby and sat down, watching me carefully. 

“You can like, shower or whatever. Eat breakfast?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t trust me with my own kid.”

“Of course I trust you with our baby, I’m just sitting down.”

“Do you think I’m a fucking idiot?” I asked. Of course he does. 

“I think I’m sitting on the couch, Mac. It’s not a big deal,” he took a sip of his coffee before continuing, “I made you an appointment with your doctor at 11:30.”

“What?”

“I think you need to talk to somebody. I’m leaving soon and you’re going to be on your own and you need to be able to—“

“You’re ridiculous, you can’t make me a doctor’s appointment.”

“Look Mac, it’s completely normal that you—“

“It’s completely normal that my life is over. And you get to leave and I have to stay here. I have a life sentence. I never get to leave. It’s completely normal that I’m twenty and alone for the rest of my life.”

“The doctor will give you some medicine to make you feel better,” he continued, as if he didn’t hear anything I just said. He can’t tell me it’s not true, because it is. It’s absolutely true.

“Do you know what would make me feel better? If you took him with you when you left.”

“Don’t say that, Mac. You don’t mean it.”

I looked down at the baby and wished I didn’t mean it, but I do. I wish I had some kind of connection with him. When I look at him all I can think about is how he’s ruined my life. I know it’s not his fault, but it feels like it is. 

I’m the worst mother in the history of the world. 

“I called an agency that helps to find nannies. They’re sending someone over later today to talk about what we’re looking for,” he continued. It’s funny how he says what we’re looking for as if he’s even the slightest bit involved. As if he’s ever even going to meet the nanny. “Your parents are going to come, because I figured they know more about what we should look for. I can stay, if you want, or I don’t have to.”

It’s also funny how he says he can stay but he doesn’t have to. Almost like it’s up to me if I want him to have any part of picking the person who is going to help watch his son. Almost like it has nothing to do with the fact that he can’t be seen with me or with, god forbid, his son just in case the nanny decides to sell the story to a tabloid. 

“I don’t care.”

He nodded his head and took another sip of coffee.

“We don’t want to start a publicity storm,” I continued.

“You know it’s not about that, Mac. I’m saying I can leave it up to you and your parents if you want but, I can stay. I’d be happy to stay.”

“I don’t care,” I answered in a whisper, “Just don’t pretend that’s why. We all know the real reason.”

“I’m here, aren’t I? I’m trying.”

“Yup,” I turned away from the baby and looked at Justin, “Has anyone even called to see how we’re doing? I mean, he was three weeks early. Did anyone even call you to ask if he’s ok? Did your mother— has your mother even acknowledged his existence, or even asked you if your son, her grandson, is ok? I don’t care. I don’t care if your mother doesn’t give a shit and doesn’t care that she has a grandson. I don’t care that Trace is the only person in your life that even wants to meet your son. I don’t care that you get to leave me and this baby and go tour the world like nothing happened. I don’t care.”

“It sounds like you care,” he began in a whisper  but got louder the more he talked, “Of course you do. I care. Are you kidding? You don’t think that’s something I’ve thought about every minute since I’ve been here? My own mother hasn’t called to see if my son is ok. He could have had serious problems. He could be in the NICU. He could have tubes coming out of everywhere to help him breath. You don’t think that’s something I think about every day? It’s one thing for my managers and label to ignore it, but my mother? My own fucking mother, Mac. I get it. I care. I’m doing the best I can here, I’m trying. I know this is hard, I know you’re overwhelmed and I don’t know what the fuck to do.  I’m doing the best I can, I’m trying, and it’s not enough. I know that, but I’m going to make it better. I’m going to figure it out.”

The baby started crying, because he’s done eating or has a bubble or is just a little shit that won’t let his parents have a moment. I moved him to my shoulder and patted his back, “Maybe she’ll come around.”

“She won’t.”

“Maybe Trace is filling her in.”

“He’s not.”

“Maybe they’re all fucked up. And we’re all screwed. And we should just give up.”

“Yeah,” he gave me a half smile, “Except we got this guy who needs to survive it all so we gotta give him a chance.”

I looked down at our son, then back at Justin. I wish they were a package deal. I really don’t think I can do this without him. 

March 2014

Justin woke me up three times during the night to give me a new ice pack. That’s tree times that I actually woke up, but I’m a heavy sleeper and wouldn’t be surprised if he came in more than that. I remember clearly that the doctor told me I didn’t have to worry about changing the ice packs at night. I also remember clearly that Justin was there for that conversation. 

“Do you want tea or coffee or—?”

“Coffee,” I watched Justin frantically moving around the kitchen. 

“Right, coffee. And you,” he turned and pointed to Chris, “Bacon? Eggs? French toast? Pancakes?”

“All of the above.”

“Chris, cereal,” I looked over at my son who was rushing to finish his homework, “Relax. Everybody breathe. Justin, you don’t need to make a huge breakfast. Chris is perfectly able to get his own cereal.”

“Ma, I gotta finish my homework!”

“Your homework that you told me you finished last night, you mean?”

“I forgot about this part!”

Justin pulled a frying pan out and grabbed eggs from the refrigerator, “I’ll make some eggs quick, it’s fine.”

Chris gave me a quick smirk before turning back to his homework. I responded by pushing his head away from his paper, because I’m an adult.  I watched Justin crack eggs in a pan and toss bread in the toaster, then turned to Chris who was scribbling in his notebook. Landon’s father beeped outside and Chris quickly stuffed his things in his backpack, just as Justin placed two fried eggs and two slices of toast in front of him. Chris picked the eggs up with his hand and made a sandwich with the toast, then turned to me and smiled, like he was proud of his accomplishment. 

“Have fun. Be good.”

“Bye,” he kissed my cheek and headed towards the door before shouting back, “Bye Justin, thanks for breakfast!”

I smiled slightly, proud my son is finally coming around. Then I turned to Justin, who had the biggest smile on his face. He turned back to the stove to hide it from me, “How many eggs?”

“Two. What are you getting all giddy just because he said thank you?” I teased. 

“Nah, what are you talking about? Chris is my buddy now, we talk all the time.”

“Of course he is. You gave him an iPhone.”

Justin chuckled as he placed a plate of food in front of me, “You’re missing the point.” 

“Sure I am,” I smiled.

“Typical Mackenzie,” he smirked before sitting next to me. He turned to the clock over the stove and stood up, “You need a new ice pack.”

“Sit down,” I grabbed onto his arm so he couldn’t get too far, “After we eat I can get a new ice pack. It doesn’t need to be every hour on the hour. Relax.”

He sat back down and inhaled his food. I reached over to stop him again, “Seriously Justin. It’s still really cold. You’re becoming obsessed. You definitely don’t need to wake me up in the middle of the night to change it, either.”

“How’d I know it was going to come back to that?”

“Because, of course it would! Why would you think you need to change it in the middle the night when the doctor said it was fine during the night?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he shrugged. 

“I could! I was!

Justin chuckled, “Alright, fine.”

He turned back to his breakfast and we sat in silence for a few seconds. It’s still weird for us to be spending this much time together. In these past few days we’ve spent about double the amount of time together than the last ten years. Our lives have changed so much during that time but somehow we can go right back to the way things were. I don’t mean romantically, I just mean our friendship. I think we were always friends first, we always cared about each other so much more than just romantically, that’s why we were always able to have a friendship even after the romantic relationship ended. 

“So you can sit up fine?” Justin asked before taking the last bite of his breakfast. 

“Well yeah, I’m sitting up right now so…”

He smiled and grabbed my plate, placing them in the dishwasher before grabbing an ice pack from the freezer. “Great. Let’s play.”

“What are we playing?” 

“What do you think we’re playing, Mac?” he asked the question then motioned to the piano, “Come on, let’s play.” 

“OK, yeah. I haven’t played in awhile though, so—“

“Don’t make excuses.”

“I’m not making excuses, I’m just saying I haven’t played in awhile.”

“So you might be a little rusty?” he asked as he led me to the piano. 

“No, that’s not what I said. I’m not a little rusty. I’m a natural talent, that doesn’t just go away,” I gave him a smug smile. 

“There she is,” he chuckled, “That’s my girl.”

I smiled as I sat down on the piano and ran my fingers across the ivory keys. 

“So what you’re saying then, is that I might be a little better than you now, since I’ve been playing a lot over the last thirteen years and you don’t play much.”

“Sure Justin, you might be a little better than me,” I rolled my eyes then began playing Chopin’s Revolutionary Etude, a difficult song full of insane runs. When I finished I turned to Justin and motioned to the keys, “Your turn.”

He coughed back a laugh, cleared his throat, cracked his knuckles, and stretched his neck as if he were about to run marathon. Then he finally began playing Beethoven’s Für Elise. When he finished he turned to me, with a big goofy smile covering his face. 

“Beethoven? I’m impressed. Check you out with the classical piano skills.”

“That was for you, I learned that one for you.”

I leaned over to playfully bump into him, “Not bad, Timberlake. Not bad.”

“Yeah, sure. How old were you when you learned to play Für Elise?”

“Probably like ten,” I answered honestly. 

He laughed, “Yeah, so why the fuck is it impressive that I can play it now? You have no idea how long it took me to learn that song. It doesn’t make sense, I write songs on the piano. I play the piano practically every day and it takes me a month to learn fucking Beethoven.”

“Beethoven can be difficult. Classical piano is completely different from the kind of piano you play when you’re writing a song. Also, I’m sure it didn’t take you a month to learn it. You’re just such a perfectionist you probably made a tiny mistake and then practiced until it was perfect ten times in a row.”

“Three times in a row. That’s how you do it. You told me that.”

It’s weird how he remembers that, such a tiny detail I told him back when we used to just hang around his house and play piano. You don’t know if you can play a song right until you can play it three times in a row without any mistakes. If you make a mistake, even a tiny one, on the third try you start over. 

“That feels like a lifetime ago.”

“It was a lifetime ago,” he said as he began playing Heart and Soul and I joined in. “You should teach me how to play that.”

“To play what?”

“What you played. Will you teach me?”

“OK. I mean it’ll take awhile but—“

“I’ll be here anyway.”

I nodded my head and looked back at the piano keys to hide the smile I could feel making its way across my face. The idea of him being around for a while seems almost too good to be true. So does the idea of us spending our days playing piano. Just like the old days.

“I miss hearing you play.”

“You should get a CD or something.”

Justin smiled, keeping his eyes down at the piano, “You know what I mean.”

I nodded my head, of course I know what he means. I also know that I’m going to just nod my head so I don’t say anything I’ll regret.

“So do you have sheet music for it, or…?”

“Um, I’m not sure actually. There’s a box in the closet with sheet music, if you want to grab it we can go through it.”

“OK, you can play for me while I go through the box?”

I smiled, it was always so weird to me that he likes it so much when I play. I know he’s obviously a music man, but my piano playing is not that good. He always acted like I was some kind of musical prodigy or something. “I think I need to sit somewhere with a back for a little, maybe the couch?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” he jumped up and helped me to the couch, “You want a water or anything? Need another ice pack?”

I chuckled, “I’m fine, just get the box in the closet.”

It took us awhile but we finally found the sheet music we were looking for.  It was fun going through the music, telling stories about each piece we came across. This is the one I played for my senior recital. Or I was obsessed with this piece when we were dating. 

Sharing our love for music was always so important for the two of us. Even if we were in love with completely different forms of music, it was a link that connected us more than I’ve ever been connected with anyone before. It’s good to reminisce and tie it all back to the music I was playing at the time. I can’t have these talks with anyone else, it’s nice to be able to have them again. 

When the doorbell rang, I literally jumped. I turned to Justin who gave me a sly smile before making his way to the front door. “Who…Why?” I’m really good at forming sentences when I’m confused. I’m definitely not expecting anybody, especially not anybody that would ring the doorbell. But by the look Justin gave me I’d say it’s safe to say he is.

I recognized the voice before I could even see the face, and a smile covered my face without any control. I managed to get up and walk to the door, just in time to see Justin and his best friend Trace coming up the driveway carrying a big box. 

“What are you guys doing?”

Trace looked up at me and smiled, “What’s going on, Mac Attack?”

“Dude, keep going! This thing is fucking heavy you’re not even holding it!” Justin said as he walked backwards, carrying the box up the front steps. 

Once they got the box in the house they placed it next to the stairs and Trace made his way over to me, “There she is!”

“What are you doing in my house?” I asked with a smile as he pulled me into a hug. 

“Visiting you and I’m the delivery guy, apparently. How are you feeling? What the fuck is wrong with you? Falling off cliffs now?”

These things escalate so quickly. It was a hill, then it was a canyon, now it’s a cliff. 

“I fell down a hill. And I’m fine.”

“I think you should go with a cliff. If you only fell down a hill and you’re looking like that, that’s pretty embarrassing.”

I laughed, “Still an asshole, huh?”

“Of course! You’d be mad if I wasn’t,” he chuckled before hugging me again quickly.  “This is great though, you two,” he turned to Justin who shook his head, “I’m serious. Stupid. Incredibly stupid, but great. I love it.”

“You always say that. Whenever you see me.” 

“And I always mean it,” he leaned over to kiss my cheek. 

“Alright, great. Thanks,” Justin spoke up to change the subject, “Help me bring it upstairs.”

“What is it?”

“It’s just a little freezer,” Justin spoke as they moved to pick up the box.

“Why are you taking a little freezer upstairs?” I asked the obvious question.

“I’m going to put it in your room,” he said as they slowly made their way up the stairs, “For the ice packs.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Oh my god, you are so obsessed with these ice packs!”

Trace laughed and almost lost his grip. 

“He is absolutely obsessed,” I continued, “Seriously, why do I need a freezer in my bedroom?”

“Great, we’ll talk about it when we’re not carrying a 90 pound box up the stairs, ok?” Justin answered, his face turning red from carrying the awkward box.

“I can’t believe you’re putting a freezer in my bedroom,” I whined as I walked back to the couch, “There better be some ice cream in there!”

When they came back downstairs Trace fell to the couch, “It looks nice, matches your bedroom set.”

I let out a quick chuckle then turned to Justin, “Why do I need a freezer in my bedroom?”

“So you can just reach over and grab an ice pack,” he answered as if it were pretty obvious why I need a freezer in my bedroom. 

A freezer.

In my bedroom. 

I turned to Trace to get my mind of the craziness that is Justin. “So Trace, how has life changed since I saw you last?”

“Ugh, you know. Got married, had a kid. The usual.”

“He’s all grown up,” Justin answered with a smile, gently slapping his best friend’s shoulder. 

Trace moved next to me and took out his phone, showing me pictures of his daughter and wife. They’re all so cute, they look like such a happy little family. 

“Congratulations, Trace. They’re beautiful.”

“Yeah, thanks. I tricked her good,” he smiled, “How’s the kid? Must be getting big, huh?”

“Yeah, he’s really tall. He’s good, he’s great.”

“Still hate you?” Trace asked Justin.

“We’re working on it,” Justin smiled. 

I know Chris and I have always been Justin’s big secret. I mean, his own fiancé doesn’t even know he has a son. Then there’s his mother, who knows we exist but chooses to ignore it. It’s a weird feeling, knowing Trace is the person Justin goes to with everything concerning Chris and I. Trace is the one that knows everything, he knows how Justin really feels about Chris, how we dealt with things over the past years, and even how he’s dealing with it now. Trace knows more than anyone, and it’s so good to see him with Justin now.  

“I’ll leave before he gets home, I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“No, no way! You should stay. I think it would be good for Chris to meet you. He doesn’t really know much about Justin’s life and to be honest, you’re pretty much the only one he can meet.”

Trace turned to Justin. 

I turned to Justin, “I didn’t mean that as a dig. I just meant—“

“No, it’s true,” he shrugged, “For now it’s true. You should stay, Trace.”

I wanted to start a fight. I wanted to ask Justin why he still hasn’t told his fiancé he has a son.  I wanted to ask him when his mother was going to realize she can’t make us go away and she should have some sort of relationship with her grandson. When will she understand that Chris is a good kid, and he deserves better. She can hate me, I can hate her, but my son has nothing to do with any of this and should know his father’s mother. 

When school was over Chris came into the house, followed by Landon who was holding a huge bouquet of flowers. 

“Hi Miss Cole,” Landon made his way to the couch, “My mom said I can’t stay but she wanted me to give you these.”

“Wow,” I took it from his hands and took a big whiff of the flowers, “Thank you sweetie, that’s so nice of you. Tell your mother I said thank you, ok?”

“I will,” Landon nodded his head and tuned to Justin, “Hi Mr. Timberlake.”

“Hey, man. Call me Justin, remember? How’s it going?”

“Good. I remember, Justin. Look, I use the backpack all the time,” he turned around to show Justin the Lakers backpack he bought him when we went to the game, then headed towards the door. 

“That’s great. I’m glad you’re using it.”

“Yeah, I use all the stuff you got me! OK, I gotta go or my mom will get mad. Bye Miss Cole. Bye Justin. Later, Chris!”

I looked over at Chris, who was staring at Trace trying to figure out who this new person in his house is. 

“Chris, this is Trace. He’s Justin’s best friend.”

“Holy Shit!” Trace, ever the poet. 

“Trace, we don’t really use that kind of language in front of—“ I began. 

“Yeah, sorry. Holy… Moly he looks just like—-“ Trace looked between Justin and Chris, finally stopping on chris, “You look just like Justin did when he was your age. It’s creepy as fuck, I mean it’s creepy as… it’s just creepy. I swear to god you look just like—“

Chris had a look of panic on his face, and looked at me for some kind of help. I smiled, “You’ll have to show us a picture of when you were his age.”

“And you don’t look like an alien anymore, so that’s awesome.”

“Uh, thanks?” Chris answered. 

“Yeah yeah, you’re welcome,” Trace replied with a chuckle, “You looked like an alien when you were born, and I don’t mean that as an insult. It’s just the way it was. You looked like an alien. In a good way, I mean not in a bad way. J kept telling me you’d grown into it and I was like yeah, not so sure about that. But he was right, you did. And now you look just like him.”

Chris looked so confused, he was wondering who this guy is, and then why he was saying he looked like an alien when he was a baby. To my surprise, Chris turned to Justin for an explanation. 

“You didn’t look like an alien, you looked like a newborn baby. That’s what babies look like,” Justin assured Chris. 

“Well, yeah. Kind of. But he really looked like an alien. Remember, you got so mad,” he paused to laugh, “When I said if you really wanted to give him a good Halloween costume you could just paint him green and you’d have the best costume in the world.”

I chuckled, remembering that exact conversation. I was so pissed, mostly because I knew my son did look like an alien. He really did. “Babies look like aliens, Trace. He was probably the first newborn you had ever seen.”

“It’s true, you were,” Trace nodded his head, “God, Kelly was so mad at me for saying that.”

“You know Kelly?” Chris spoke up. 

“Yeah, of course I know Kelly,” he smiled, “How’s she doing?”

“She’s good. A certified therapist. Got married a few years ago, and is expecting her first baby next month.”

“That’s great, good for her. Anyway, I’m going to go. I just wanted to meet you. I’ll let you guys get to… whatever it is you do. I definitely didn’t mean it in a bad way, Chris. I’m just, ya’know. I say a lot of shit that I probably shouldn’t say, you’ll learn that about me fast. Anyway, yeah. Nice to meet you.” Trace leaned down to kiss my cheek, “So good to see you, Mac. I’ll see you soon, I hope,” he glared at Justin. 

“Yes, definitely. Bring your girls.”

“Yeah, totally. Cool. I’ll see you later.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Justin smiled and followed Trace to the door. 

“So, how was school?” I asked Chris once they left. 

“That was weird,” was his response. 

“Seeing you just made him really nervous. You know how weird this whole thing is for us, it’s weird for them too.”

“Yeah, sure. But he’s kinda weird.”

“Oh, he’s very weird,” I smiled, “He’s fun though, and he’s a good guy. He’s been very helpful to us, and very good to Justin. You’ll like him once the initial shock wears off.”

Justin left to go back on tour two months ago. Actually, more like 64 days ago, not that I’m counting or anything. I’m still trying to get used to this new life. Everything is different. I don’t have Justin anymore, but I have this baby instead.  

Some days are better than others. The nanny we found, Fiona,  is absolutely amazing. She has this natural warmth to her and the ability to make everything feel relaxed and low-key. She’s here all day and she makes dinner and makes me take naps. She doesn’t let me take naps, she makes me. Besides all that, she really teaches me how to do everything and gives me little tips and tricks that I never would have known without her. I never knew you those envelope folds on the top of the onesie are so you can pull them down if the baby has a poop-tastrophie.

Babies do that a lot, shit out of their diapers. No one warned me about that. Chris is a high achiever, and somehow managed to shit on the wall in the dining room. I had to duck for cover. It was in the middle of the night and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. I tend to do both a lot now. 

I miss Justin so much, but we’re getting through it. He calls every day; in the morning, the afternoon, and at night. He wants constant updates, pictures, and asks me about every little thing. He’s worried about me, of course he is, and I think he calls so much because he wants to check on me, but I’m doing so much better than I was when he left. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. I miss him so much it hurts. Every morning when I wake up I can almost feel him next to me. Sometimes I even look for him. I know it’s stupid, I know he’s not here, but it still feels like he is. 

Chris misses Justin, too. I know that seems crazy because he’s only three months old, but I swear he’s always looking around for him. 

It sucks. It really sucks. I miss him so much. I miss him in so many different ways. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the father of my child. I miss my parenting partner. I miss him helping me in the middle of the night and listening to him softly sing Chris to sleep. I miss the way he always knew what to say to calm me down. I just miss having him here. 

“Alright Mackenzie, I’m off,” Fiona said as she grabbed her bag and came into the living room, “There’s soup on the stove. Hopefully this little guy will let you get some sleep tonight.”

“Thank you so much,” I answered with a whine, I don’t know why. I can’t even help myself anymore. I want her to stay here all night. 

Maybe I’m just lonely. 

Even though I’m not alone, it feels like I am. I can’t wait for Chris to grow up and be able to talk and understand me. I’m sure when those days come I’ll long for the days I could hold him in my arms. 

Chris moved away from me and smiled, before turning back to breastfeeding. Sometimes I think he can hear my thoughts. I watched him close his eyes and slowly drift off to sleep. He’s so cute, he really is so fucking adorable. Everybody thinks their kid is adorable, right? But mine is really adorable. Like, he should probably be the new Gerber Baby. Or at least be in the Huggies commercials. 

Oh my god, I’m starting to sound like Justin’s mother. Oh my god, what is happening to me? MAKE IT STOP. 

I stood up and carefully carried Chris upstairs to his crib, “I’m never going to make you be a Gerber Baby, or in a Huggies commercial,” I promised, “Or on the Mickey Mouse Club, or in a boyband. You're going to do whatever you want to do, and you’re going to fall in love with whoever you want to love with and I’m never, ever going to get in the way of that. And if you ever fall in love with a girl and end up getting her pregnant and have the most adorable son in the world I’m going to be right there with you helping out because I love you. And I’ll be here for you forever. No matter what.” I kissed his forehead and slowly placed him in his crib and coughed back a laugh, “Actually, it’s a good thing she doesn’t want to meet you because she would definitely sneak you away to a Gerber commercial. If she thought your daddy was cute, oh man, she wouldn’t be able to handle you.”

I turned the baby monitor on and quickly went back downstairs to eat dinner. Chris will probably only sleep for a half an hour, so I need to take advantage of it. 

The house is so quiet when he’s asleep. It doesn’t make sense really, because it’s not like he’s talking or making a lot of noses even when he’s awake. Sure, he cries, but not as much as he used to. Everything just seems so quiet and empty when he’s asleep and I’m alone. 

I heard the door open at looked up from my soup to see Justin standing in the doorway. He dropped a duffle bag at his feet and placed his hands in his jean pockets, giving me a sexy half smile as he looked up at me. He’s so sexy. Has he always been that sexy?

“What the hell are you doing here?” That came out wrong, rude and annoyed. I’m feeling the complete opposite. 

“Oh, alright it’s like that,” he nodded and turned his head, hoping to hide the smile but it didn’t work, “I’ll leave if you don’t want me here.”

“Shut up! Of course I want you here, but why are you here?” I quickly made my way over to him. He pulled me into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around my waist and I rested my head against his chest. The best hug ever. The kind of hug that makes you want to stay there forever, just like that. “But why are you here?” I repeated in a whisper. 

“Because I needed to see you,” he whispered back, “And my baby, where’s my baby?”

“He’s sleeping, don’t wake him, he’ll be up in like two minutes anyway. How are you here?”

“Why are you asking so many questions?”

“How long are you staying?” 

“Stop asking questions.”

“But I have so many!”

“Just… no questions. Give me a minute. Shhh,” he moved his hand to my head and ran it through my hair. 

“I missed you so much,” I whispered. 

“I missed you too. Shh.”

“Do you want some soup? Fiona made soup.”

“Honestly Mac, shut up.”

I smiled and looked up at him, his eyes were closed and his arms still wrapped around me tightly, “Why are you acting so weird?”

“No more questions.”

“You haven’t even kissed me yet. Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”

I watched a smile slide onto his face and he slowly opened his eyes and loosened his grip around me before picking me up and carrying me to the couch where he fell on top of me. He gently pressed his lips against mine and ran his hands over my body. 

OK yeah, it’s been a long time and I didn’t even realize how much I need this right now. How much I need him right now. I moved my hand to unbutton his pants but he pulled away, mid kiss. 

“Wait, wait, are you supposed to—?”

“Yes, we’re supposed to,” I answered as I pulled his fly down.

“No, but I mean, you’re allowed to?” he grabbed my hand to stop me, “Aren’t you supposed to wait after you had the baby?”

“Yeah, six weeks it’s been like twelve,” I pushed his hand away and started to pull his jeans down. 

“Are you sure? Doesn’t it hurt or—“

“Oh my god! No more questions. I want you right now. I’m allowed to have you. I need you. Fuck me, Justin! How else do I need to say it?”

That smile slid back to his face and he bit at his lip to hide it before pushing my sweatpants down my legs. He pulled my shirt over my head and looked down at my big new mom breasts. 

“Just don’t… touch them cause they’re full and they might…” I trailed off as I watched his face shift, he’s getting weirded out about that. I shouldn’t have said anything, but then he would have massaged them and they would have leaked and squirted breastmilk in his eye. That would have been way worse. 

I moved my lips to his to distract him, and slowly reached down to grab onto him. He deepened the kiss and pulled his shirt off, before moving my leg to better position himself. 

“Shit. Do you have a—?”

“Oh yeah, yeah,” he stood up and reached to his jeans on the floor, quickly going through his wallet to find a condom, “We don’t want to do that ag—“ he trailed off and placed it over his hard dick before crawling back on top of me, “You’re absolutely sure that you—“

“Justin!” I moved my hips into him. I don’t know what’s up with him and all the questions. He pulled my leg up and thrust inside of me. It hurt for a second, but then it was good. It was so good. 

“I love you,” Justin said as he moved his lips to my neck, “So much.”

“I love you, too.”

“I missed you,” he continued thrusting, “So much.”

“I missed you too, can we maybe talk about this later?”

He chuckled and repositioned my leg before holding my hands over my head and kissing my lips passionately. I heard myself moan and felt as if I was almost ready to explode. 

And then I heard crying. 

At first I thought it was just phantom crying, I hear Chris crying even when he’s not. But Justin heard it too, and stopped mid-thrust. 

“No, no don’t stop.”

“Is he alright, he’s—?”

“He’s fine he can cry for a minute. Don’t stop, please. I’m so close.”

Justin turned to look at the monitor, as if it had a screen or something and wasn’t just a little walkie talkie. 

“Please,” I whined and pulled him closer. 

He nodded his head and turned back to me, pressing his lips against me and thrusting into me deeply. Harder. Faster. My whole body tensed up and then I felt an explosion.

Justin carefully rolled off me and pulled his clothes on as I laid there trying to catch my breath. “You good?” he asked with a half smile.

“Yeah baby, I’m good.”

He chuckled and tossed my t-shirt at me, “I’m going to get him, alright? I’ll bring him down here.”

“OK,” I nodded my head and watched him walk up the stairs, “I love you!”

Justin stopped in his tracks, and leaned down so I could see his head at the top of the stairs, “Do you think maybe we could talk about this later?”

I laughed and grabbed the pillow from under my head and threw it towards him. Not that it was anywhere near him, it’s the thought that counts. 

God, I love that man.

April 2014

“I can walk down the stairs by myself,” I shouted from the top step as I heard the piano stop and Justin quickly fumble towards the stairs. 

“Of course you can,” he called has he made his way closer. 

“I can,” I assured myself. 

“You can,” he made it to the bottom step and looked up at me with a smile, “Do you want me to—“

I shook my head as he trailed off, I don’t want him to do anything because I can walk down the stairs. All by myself. I grabbed onto the railing with my lefthand and pressed firmly against the wall with my right, before taking a deep breath and oh so slowly made it down the first step. 

I felt myself exhale the breath I’ve been holding in. That wasn’t so bad. I looked down at Justin, as if needing some sort of praise. 

He smiled, understanding exactly what the look I was giving him meant, “Alright! Check you out!”

I gave him a dirty look because, in reality, that was a little sarcastic. Yeah, I know making my way down one step isn’t a big deal. This is why I feel like a complete fool for needing encouragement in such a mundane task.  But, I did fall down a big hill, or thrown myself off a cliff, depending on how you want to look at it, just a few weeks ago. This is my first attempt at walking down the stairs. That was hard, dammit. And I did it. 

“Why are you giving me that look? I’m encouraging you. I’m giving you positive reinforcement,” Justin answered with a chuckle as he leaned against the wall. 

“Yeah, you’d make a great  kindergarten teacher,” I answered with an eye roll and was silent for a few seconds, focusing on the next step. 

My palms were sweaty, so I let go of the railing and wiped my left hand on my jeans, then did the same with my right. I took another deep breath and made it down the second step. I looked at Justin,  waiting for a little recognition. 

“Right,” Justin smiled after noticing my look, “Way to go girl, you’re taking those steps like a champ!”

“I feel like you’re not taking this seriously enough.”

“I’m taking this so seriously. I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.”

“How am I not taking this seriously? I’m walking down the stairs. All by myself.”

“And I’m here at the bottom, ready to catch you when you fall.”

I gave him a dirty look for about a half a second before I lost my cool and started laughing. 

“Pull yourself together, kid. You really are going to fall.”

“I’m not going to fall!” I answered seriously. He has no faith in me, none. 

“OK, can you move?” I heard my son behind me, not exactly sure how long he’s been there or where he even came from, “Unless you don’t want me to go to school. Cause I can stay home. But if you want me to go to school you have to move cause I’m going to be late.”

I moved to the side and rested my forehead against the wall, feeling slightly embarrassed Chris witnessed whatever it was he witnessed.

“You’re so weird,” he spoke softly as he passed me. 

“I might be weird, but my hearing is amazing!” I shouted after him.

Justin laughed as he moved back to the bottom of the stairs, rubbed his hands together and held his arms out like he was a football player ready to make a catch,  “Let’s go!”

It may have taken me about five minutes, but dammit I made it to the bottom step all by myself. Chris ran by with his backpack flung over one shoulder, then turned back as if just noticing I did, in fact, make it downstairs. He chuckled as he opened the door, “Way to go, Ma!”

The door slammed shut before I could respond and Justin shrugged, “So now what? You don’t need me anymore, huh? Walking down the stairs like a pro.”

“I’ve always been really good at walking down the stairs, ever since I was a baby,” I smiled proudly. 

“You’re so weird,” Justin mimicked Chris’s comment from a few minutes before. 

I rolled my eyes. 

“Think you’re ready to venture out of the house today? Maybe head out to the diner and grab some lunch later?”

I began to nod my head, but stopped when I realized I already had lunch plans with Matt. All Justin has to do is mention the diner and I forget everything else. 

“I’m going with Matt today,” I watched the smile slowly slide off his face, “I told you that, didn’t I?”

“Nope,” he answered quickly then continued after a beat, “It’s fine, I mean you don’t have to tell me that.”

“No I know, I just thought I told you. You can have the afternoon off,” I offered with a smile, “I’m sure you have a lot to do. I’ve been kind of monopolizing your time lately.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged and moved to the piano, “maybe now that you’re a pro at walking down stairs and shit you can help me with this song?”

I followed him to the piano, “having you here is like having a constant piano teacher forcing me to practice nonstop.”

He chuckled and handed me a mug of coffee, “you need to practice more.”

“Right, I need to practice more. How’s the Chopin coming?”

“Shut up, it’s coming,” he smiled and placed his coffee on the top of the piano, “I’m getting there.”

“Do not put your coffee on my piano!” I shouted and grabbed it, what is wrong with him? “Why would you put your coffee on my piano? Is this what you do while I’m sleeping?”

“Relax,” he grabbed the coffee from me with a laugh, “I put it on my piano. You didn’t want it, remember?”

“You put it on John LENNON’s piano. You don’t deserve this piano.”

“Remember when you didn’t want this piano?” he repeated. 

“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. Just put your coffee on the side table please.”

“Yes ma’am,” he took another sip and placed the cup on the table, “help me with this run.”

~~~~~

  It wasn’t until the doorbell rang that I realized the time. Time goes by so fast when we’re on the piano, and also when I’m with Justin. So, I guess when I’m with Justin and on the piano it’s inevitable. 

“I hate that fucking doorbell,” Justin spoke as he stopped playing. 

“Tell me about it! I’ve hated it for thirteen years.”

“Well get a new one! It’s your house, Mac. A doorbell is’t something you have to deal with your whole life.”

“You can just change it?” I asked seriously. I mean, I know it’s possible to change it, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. 

“Like me, personally?” he asked. I shrugged and he chuckled, “Yeah, sure I can change it. I’ll find you something even more annoying.”

I slapped his shoulder as I stood up. 

“I didn’t realize the time. I would have left. Do you want me to leave?”

“No, why would I want you to leave?” I asked the question, he doesn’t make sense sometimes, “We’re just going to lunch.”

~~~~~

“So you’re completely cured then?” Matt asked once we sat down at the restaurant. 

“Hardly,” I laughed, “I mean I walked down the stairs all by myself today, but I’m not going to be running a marathon any time soon.”

“To be fair, you weren’t close to that point before you fell either. I’m pretty sure falling off a cliff isn’t going to give you super powers.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure this kind of thing does give you super powers, didn’t you see Angels in the Outfield?”

“Oh yeah, that documentary about the kid who played baseball,” he shook his head and smiled, “That was a real heart-warming, true story.”

“You get it,” I laughed.

“Of course I get it,” he looked down at his menu. 

Of course he gets it.

“Hey, how did that meeting go?”

Ryan raised in eyebrow in that way he does, “what meeting?”

“REI!” 

“Oh yeah, good we got it.”

“And you didn’t think to bring that up?”

He shrugged, “this isn’t a work meeting. It’s not that big of a deal.”

I don’t understand how he can sit across from me and act like the fact that he just got REI to sell his company’s surfboards isn’t a big deal. HOW IS THAT NOT A BIG DEAL?

“It’s a huge deal! Matt, honestly, that’s awesome.”

“It’s just a bunch of stores, they’re testing it out. How’s Chris?”

Changing the subject. Always changing the subject.

“He’s good, really stepping up and helping out. I think my mom guilted him into it.”

“Yeah, probably,” he laughed, “How’s he dealing with Justin?”

“Sometimes Chris doesn’t ignore him,” I smiled, “Sometimes he even talks to him.”

Matt nodded his head and turned back to the menu. I’m not sure what he wanted me to say, but I feel like it definitely wasn’t that. I have no idea how I’m supposed to be handling this situation. It’s still so weird to even talk about Justin with someone that isn’t my parents or Kelly. I hardly talked about him even with them. 

Matt was quiet for a few minutes, using the idea of looking over the menu as an excuse. I know him better than that. I know he’s going to order the veggie burger with bacon and the waitress is going to give him a look like they always do because who orders a veggie burger with bacon? Matt does. He likes veggie burgers, he’s not a vegetarian. He likes bacon because he’s human. Why not get a veggie burger with bacon?

“So he’s been staying with you then?” Matt asked after the waitress took our order. 

I nodded my head, “he feels responsible.”

I saw Matt roll his eyes before trying to hide it behind his glass of water. I don’t know what that’s about. It’s definitely not like him.

“Um, ok? So—“

“Sorry, it’s just weird,” he began once he realized I caught his eye roll, “it’s just, so weird.”

“But you know him, so you know it’s not that weird.”

“It’s weird because I know him.  I always wanted to know about Chris’s father and it was always so secretive and I couldn’t ask because you always put those walls up and if I even tried to find something out and asked you a simple question it would just ruin everything. The whole day would be ruined. And I get that, I mean I don’t really get that but it’s your situation and you can keep whatever you want a secret. I mean we were basically living together and close to—“ he trailed off, “this is getting off track. What I’m saying is I always wanted to know about Chris’s father. I thought he lived somewhere far away or you didn’t even know. And the whole time it was him. This guy I played ball with every Thursday.”

I ran my hand through my hair and looked down at the table, “I’m sorry. I really am. I wanted to tell you, it’s just such a weird situation. I didn’t know how to deal with it. There’s no books on this. I mean, I think it’s safe to say I did a horrible job figuring it out. I should have told you. I would have loved to tell you but I was so scared and I didn’t want to get in trouble or ruin anything or—“

Now it was my turn to trail off. 

“I get that it’s a secret and you didn’t want anyone to know. I’m sure this much more to it than you just not wanting anyone to know. I’m sure there’s reasons, probably legal reasons, but you still could have told me.”

Matt took another sip of his water before continuing, “Look Mac, I know you want Chris to have a relationship with his father. I know that’s important to you, and it’s important to Chris, even if he doesn’t know that yet. I get it. I just think you need to be careful. I know Justin is… he’s a good guy but he’s got a lot of baggage. His life is crazy and… well you know more than I do about that. I’m just saying that he’s put you and Chris through a lot already and I don’t want him to… just be careful.”

“I’m careful,” I assured him. 

“Yeah I know, I just…”

“I’m careful,” I repeated, “You don’t know him that well. I mean you played ball with him and I’m sure you grabbed drinks or whatever. But, you don’t really know everything that we went through. You don’t know him like I do.”

“No, you’re right. I don’t,” Matt began, “The Justin I knew was a young guy without a care in the world. He definitely wasn’t Chris’s father. The Justin you know isn’t engaged to a supermodel. The Justin Chris knows is a complete stranger who didn’t want anything to do with him. The Justin his fiancé knows is probably off on tour or shooting a movie somewhere. That’s the point, Mac. He’s someone else with everyone. Which one is the real Justin?”

~~~~~

I waved goodbye to Matt before closing the door and slowly falling to the couch. That was exhausting.

“Oh hey, I didn’t even hear you come in,” Justin said as he sat down on the chair opposite me with a sandwich, “Have fun?”

I nodded my head, not fooling anybody. I watched as he ate his sandwich, Matt’s words echoing in my mind. He is kind of right, not about everything but about some things. I always knew Justin had a few different lives, one where he was a world famous celebrity, one where he was just my boyfriend, or later Chris’s father. I know he had to keep his worlds separate. But now there are even more worlds. The one with his fiance, who I’m pretty sure still doesn’t know Chris even exists. 

“What?” Justin asked with a chuckle as he finished his sandwich, “What’s going on?”

“Just tired.”

“Want me to help you upstairs?”

I shook my head. 

“That’s right, you can do the stairs on your own now,” he smiled. 

I didn’t smile. 

“So I, take it you had a good lunch,” he said sarcastically and chuckled as he went into the kitchen to put his dish in the dishwasher. When he came back he headed towards the piano, but then stopped and turned back to me, “Do you want to talk about something?”

I bit at my lip nervously, “I guess I’m just kind of curious if you told your fiancé about Chris yet.”

“No, I haven’t,” he answered confidently. 

I nodded my head, “How do you… like where does she think you are?”

“Working.”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes without even realizing it until it was too late.

“If you want to say something, say it.”

I closed my eyes, not really wanting to get into it right now. But then again, if I don’t when will I? We need to get into it. We need to have this discussion. We need to live in the real world and stop ignoring it. 

“I guess I just don’t understand why you haven’t told her. And when you’re planning on telling her.”

“I don’t know, Mac. It hasn’t come up.”

“It’s never going to come up. The longer you wait the more upset she’s going to be. Is that why you’re not telling her?”

“No.”

I took a deep breath, “I just don’t get it. When we were together you told me everything.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“So why aren’t you telling her?”

He put his head in his hands and rubbed his temples, “Because it’s different. Relationships are different, Mac. They’re not all the same. I told you everything, that was our relationship. I don’t tell her everything, that’s our relationship.”

“How do you not tell her everything?”

“It’s different.”

“But you’re marrying her! And you’re not going to tell her you have a son?” I felt myself getting choked up, it’s so stupid. I quickly wiped my eyes before they could even start to tear up.

“I’m going to tell her.”

“When?”

“I don’t know, Mac. It’s not the same as it was with you, it’s not that easy to tell her things.”

“But this is a big thing you need to tell her!”

“I get it!” he shouted and started pacing around the room, “I know, I get it. I will. I just don’t,” he paused to gather his thoughts and ran his hands through his hair, “I don’t understand what your sudden concern is. I’m sorry if this is what Matt wants to spend his lunch hour talking to you about.  If this is the fucking card he wants to play, fine. But I don’t understand what this has to do with anything.”

“It has to do a lot with everything because what happens when she finds out and she tells you it’s not ok? What happens when she doesn’t want you to have a thirteen year old son?And he finally is getting close to you and he’s finally opening up and you’re going to go because she doesn’t want you to have a son.”

Justin stopped pacing and turned to me, “Mac, I…”

The door flung open and I quickly wiped my eyes, “No homework!” Chris shouted as tossed his backpack to the floor. “Not a single math problem, NOTHING! I mean it this time, I even wrote it in my planner. NOTHING!”

Chris stood by the couch and looked at me, then at Justin, then back to me. He’s too old to hide anything from, he can see it right away. “What’s going on?”

“It’s time for a concert, “ Justin said with a smile as he made his way to the piano, “Sit down.”

Chris looked at me and I forced a smile, holding my arm out for him to sit with me. 

Justin cracked his knuckles and cleared his throat, “This is a little song I’ve been working on. Try not to be too impressed by my skills.”

Chris turned to me and I shrugged as Justin began playing Mozart’s Rondo Alla Turca, or Turkish March. I let out a quick chuckle and pulled Chris closer to me. 

I was actually quite impressed. I mean sure, he didn’t get the dynamics right every time, but the runs were perfect. When Justin finished he stood up and put his hands out as if he would drop the mic if there was one to drop. 

Chris looked at me and I gave him a quick nod. 

He stood up and walked to the piano just as Justin walked away. Chris cracked his knuckles and his neck, and cleared his throat just like his father did a few minutes before. He took the sheet music that was on the piano and made a point of closing it and placing on the table side table next to him. 

Chris took a deep breath and began playing the same song. The runs were beautiful, the dynamics perfect. My son, my amazing son. I turned to Justin, who couldn’t take his eyes off our son. I couldn’t tell if he was proud or pissed. 

When Chris finished he mimicked getting up as Justin did a few minutes before and took a bow. 

“What the hell was that?” Justin asked. 

Chris chuckled, “between my mother being so thrilled because she was able to walk down a flight of stairs this morning and my father, a professional musician, being proud he’s able to play a song I learned when I was eight… I’m really worried about you guys.”

I threw my head in my hands as I laughed. 

“You learned Mozart when you were eight? I thought you didn’t play!” Justin said as he looked at me, then back to Chris, “you said you don’t play.”

Chris shrugged, “I don’t play.”

“You obviously play.”

“Well of course I play a little. You know my mom, she forces me to play sometimes.”

Justin shook his head, trying to take it all in, “This changes everything.”

“Or it doesn’t change anything,” Chris said as he stood up, “I’m going to go swimming, want to go swimming?”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded his head, “Go get changed.”

Justin sat back down and waited until he heard Chris’s door close to speak, “He called me his father, did you hear that?”

“I did.”

“He never called me his father before.”

“I know,” I answered softly, wishing I had some control over my damn emotions. 

“About before,” Justin looked up at me and began sincerely, “what you said, you don’t have to worry about that. It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to leave and if she has a problem with it then, I’ll have to rethink that relationship because I sure as hell am not rethinking this one.”

September 2002

“Mama, no baba. Toy.”

“Christopher, no toy. Baba.” 

“No! Mama! Toy!”

I took a deep breath and grabbed my eighteen month old son in my arms, “Sweetheart, drink your baba so we can get you ready for bed.”

He laid down in my arms and grabbed onto the sippie cup I handed him. I rocked him in my arms, trying to get him to relax a little. He’s definitely over tired and when he gets too tired he becomes a little brat. 

“Mama, sing.”

This kid and his constant need for singing! He’s clearly his father’s son. I, on the other hand, have quite possibly the worst singing voice ever, even when it’s singing Hush Little Baby. 

However, I’m a mother and it is my job to sing to this kid when he wants me to. It’s so much easier when Justin is around and able to step in with the singing, but he’s been on tour for the past three months and is apparently dating some teen pop star. Oh right, and legally I’m not supposed to have any contact with him.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this new development I just learned a few days ago while I was waiting in line at the supermarket. It’s an interesting experience, standing in line with a crying baby and nothing his father’s face on the cover of a magazine discussing his new girlfriend.  I don’t even know the whole story. I do know he used to call me a few times a day but now he calls me once a week. I’ve talked to him on the phone since I saw the magazine but I couldn’t ask him about it. I don’t really think I have any right to.

The truth is, legally, we’re not supposed to have any contact with each other. Justin has been spending every free minute he has here with Chris and I, but it’s not supposed to happen. It’s a secret. If anyone found out, who knows what kind of trouble we would be in. It’s still so weird to me that Justin can get in trouble for seeing his son, but that’s the reality of our world. 

I don’t know how long this can last. Chris is only getting older. It’s only a matter of time before he’s old enough to form memories. Justin can’t keep doing this coming and going in secret thing. Chris is going to start asking for him. Not even to mention we can’t have him having these memories when he’s supposed to know nothing about his father. 

Chris looked up at me and moved the sippy cup from his face, “Mama.”

“Christopher.”

He giggled and placed a hand on my cheek, “Mama. Dance!” he shouted before he wiggled out of my arms, and onto the floor. He bounced around, dancing to the music in his head. He’s so weird. Adorable, but weird.

I danced my way over to the stereo so at least we could dance to some actual music. Chris giggled and clapped his hands as he continued dancing. I picked him up and twirled him in my arms . 

Chris squealed and threw his hands up in the air. I turned to see what he was looking at, and saw Justin standing in the doorway. 

“Did I make it just in time for the dance party?” he smiled as he dropped his bag. 

I placed Chris on the floor and watched as he ran over to his father. Justin picked him up and danced around the room. I moved to the couch, watching my boys carefully. I love these moments when Justin’s here. They’re so cute together. 

Justin plopped on the couch next to me and Chris crawled from his lap to mine. “Hi.”

“Hi,” I smiled, “This is a surprise.”

“I just flew in. I have to leave tomorrow night but I just wanted to come by and see you guys before I head off. European leg of the tour.” 

“Dada! Dance!”

“Alright, let’s dance man!” Justin laughed as he helped Chris off the couch and began dancing around the room again. 

Chris was having the time of his life, giggling and squealing as he tried to copy his father’s dance moves. They had a dance battle, Justin doing one move then pointing to Chris who did his own version. I’ve never laughed so much in my life. 

It wasn’t much longer before Chris started running around in circles. “What’s going on, Bubba?”

“He’s so overtired, he does this now. It’s his new thing,” I laughed as I held my arms out, “Chris, come here Bubs.”

Chris took a deep breath before running so fast into my arms that I fell back on the couch. 

“You are such a goof,” I managed to stand up and carry him towards the stairs.

“Mama, no! Stop! Dada!”

“I’m coming,” Justin followed me and grabbed Chris from my arms. 

This might as well be a dream. These few times that everything falls into place make me question the millions of regrets I’ve been having lately. If life could just be like this all the time, it would be great.

I sat in the rocking chair and watched Justin change Chris’s diaper and put him in his pajamas. They shared deep conversations and giggles. Once he was changed and ready for bed Justin placed Chris in my arms, “Say goodnight to Mommy.”

Chris stood on my lap and placed a hand on either of my cheeks, “Night, night Mama,” he smiled before kissing my forehead. 

“Night, night Christopher,” I hugged him tightly, “I love you.”

He giggled as a response, then stuck his finger up his nose.

Boys. 

“Don’t do that,” I laughed and pulled his finger out of his nose, grabbing a tissue to wipe off his hand, “So yucky!”

Justin grabbed Chris from my arms. He turned the overhead light off, so the only light was coming from the nightlight in the corner. Justin began singing his go to lullabye, John Lennon’s Beautiful Boy. 

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster’s gone

He’s on the run

And your daddy’s here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy. 

I sat quietly on the rocking chair, watching Justin sing to his son. My son. Our son. 

I love these moments, when I can escape the realities and pretend that this is our life. Of course it doesn’t last long, in this case it only lasted until Justin stopped singing and Chris was sound asleep. 

Justin kissed Chris’s forehead and gently placed him in the crib. He slowly backed away and grabbed onto my hand, pulling me up then wrapping his arm around my waist as we walked to my bedroom. 

“I still can’t get him to sleep like you can.”

“It’s just because I’m so boring, and you’re so fun. He wants to stay awake and be with you,” Justin said as he kissed me gently and fell down on the bed, taking me with him. 

“I’m pretty sure that’s not it.”

Justin shrugged, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“Good,” he gave me a half smile, “Let’s make out.”

I laughed, and Justin kissed me before I could object. Not that I would have, but still. 

He pulled away and just looked at me. He does this a lot, gets caught up in everything and then his brain catches up. I tried to comfort him by running my hand through his hair. I wish I knew how to help when he starts to overthink everything. 

“He’s getting so big,” Justin spoke softly, “He has a personality and everything. He’s like, becoming a human.”

I smiled, “Yeah, he’s becoming a human.”

“It’s crazy” Justin rolled off me and looked up t the ceiling, “he’s going to be a foot taller by the time I see him again. He’s going to be having full out conversations.”

I never know what to say. I never know how to deal with this. 

“I don’t want to leave tomorrow,” he continued talking, not necessarily to me, just talking, “I don’t even want to tour. It’s not even fun anymore it’s—“ he stopped and turned to me, “Marry me, Mac.”

“Justin,” I whined. 

This is how it always happens. There’s an obvious progression and we go through it every time. Justin comes over. He’s happy and plays with Chris and then he puts him to bed. Then it’s just Justin and I and we’re good for a few minutes but then it starts. The reality catches up and Justin realizes he has no control over his life and can’t even see his own son. Then he wants to quit and he wants to get married and then he falls asleep. But when he wakes up, he leaves. A few months later he comes back and it starts all over again. 

“Let’s just do it,” he grabbed onto my hand, “I don’t care about anything else. I’ve got money saved, we can move to an island somewhere. You can give piano lessons and I’ll sell coconuts on the corner.”

I laughed, that’s a new one. “You’ll see coconuts on the corner?”

“Yeah sure, why not? I like coconuts,” his smile makes everything better. “Chris can help.”

“Chris would love to sell coconuts with you on the corner.”

“Yeah, I think he would,” he chuckled, “We’re getting distracted. I want to marry you.”

“OK. Where’s my ring?”

“I’ll get you a ring.”

“OK,” I answered softly, “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Justin let out a sigh and fell back onto the bed, “Why don’t you ever take it seriously?”

“Because we’ve been through this how many times? It’s always the same. It’s not going to happen. It can’t happen. What good does it do us to keep pretending it will?”

“It’s not pretending, Mac it’s—“ he paused as the doorbell rang, “Who is at your door at ten o’clock at night?”

“No one for me,” I answered as I heard banging at the door. 

“No one for me. No one knows I’m here,” Justin answered as we made our way downstairs. 

“Well whoever it is is going to wake up Chris, so hurry up,” I gently pushed against his back so he’d move down the stairs faster. 

Justin went to the front door, looked out the peephole, then stepped away, “Shit.”

“What? Who is it?”

He didn’t answer, instead he said “Shit,” again and moved into the living room. 

I looked out the peephole and saw Justin’s mother banging angrily. I turned to Justin, “What are you going to hide or something? She’s going to wake up Chris.”

“What are we going to do?”

“What can we do? Do you want to sneak out the back or something,” I rolled my eyes. I’m so exhausted. I’m so sick of having to deal with all of this shit. “She’s going to wake up the baby,” I answered sternly. “You need to make her stop.”

You need to be a man is what I wanted to say. You need to stand up to your mother, 

you’re an adult, you have a son, stop being such a scared little boy when it comes to your mother. 

Justin took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. His mother pushed past him and into my home. “What the fuck are you doing here?” she shouted at her son, “What is wrong with you? Why are you here?” she turned to me and gave me a dirty look. 

“Nice to see you again,” I answered sarcastically. 

She ignored me and turned back to her son, “Why are you here?”

“Because I want to see my son, Ma,” he finally spoke up, “I want to see Mac.”

“Oh, you want to see Mac. Oh good, you saw her and her little perfect life, right? You’ve got your house. You’ve got your pool. My son has given you all this shit and he’s still stupid enough to believe you actually care about him and not his money.”

“My perfect life?” I asked out of disbelief. How is my life even close to perfect? I’m a single mother, I haven’t even finished college yet. I can even see the man I love, my son won’t know his father, and I’m not even old enough to legally have a drink to drown my sorrows. 

“Your perfect life. You’ve got it made and you know it. Are we still pretending this wasn’t all part of your plan? Now what, the child support isn’t enough? You’re going to trick him into getting you pregnant again?”

“Mom, stop,” Justin spoke up again. It’s surprising when he actually does, even if it’s only two words. 

And now the baby is crying. I made my way upstairs and grabbed onto Chris, “Hi sweetheart it’s ok. I’m sorry we woke you up. Go back to sleep.”

“Mama,” he whined. 

“Baby,” I whined back. I’m so exhausted, part of me just wants to take Chris into  my room with me and lock the door. Justin and his mother can figure out their own shit and leave us alone. I’m so sick of all this.

“Dada,” Chris whined again and rested his head against my shoulder.

I don’t know why I took him downstairs. Maybe I thought Justin’s mother wouldn’t yell in front of him. Maybe I thought once she saw Chris she’d understand and everything would be ok. 

She glanced over at me. As soon as she noticed Chris in my arms she turned her back to me and continued yelling at Justin. 

“Well you woke him up,” I spoke softly, “Don’t you want to see him?”

“Justin,” she ignored me, “I swear to god, get your things and get the hell out of this house.”

“Mom, why don’t you look at my son?” Justin asked, “Do you want to hold him?”

I clutched onto Chris tightly, the thought of this woman holding my son scared me to death. She’d probably drop him, or throw him, or who knows what else.

“I want you to get your things, Justin. You’re not supposed to be here.”

“OK, but I’m here. And you’re here. And Chris is here, and this is this first time you’re meeting your grandson. So why don’t you sit down and meet him?”

“I don’t want to meet him. I want you to leave.”

“He’s your grandson,” I spoke up, “he’s so great and I really think you’ll fall in love with him if you just give him a chance. Then you’ll realize how hard this is for Justin, and what you’re really asking of him. To leave his son.”

She pointed a finger at me, “I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t give a shit about your son. He’s not Justin’s son. He sure as hell is not my grandson. I don’t want anything to do with your son,” she turned back to Justin, “Now get your fucking things and get out of this house.”

I don’t know why I’m crying. She’s obviously crazy. It’s one thing for her to hate me but why does she hate Chris? It’s not fair. He hasn’t done anything. She’s his grandmother, he should know his father’s mother.

“Great, cry,” she rolled her eyes, “Does that work for you, Justin? Does her crying make you feel bad? Is that how she tricks you?”

“Mom, would you stop? Why do you keep doing this? Don’t you see how much you’re fucking up my life? I’m your son! Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“You were happy before you met her and you’ll be happy again when all this bullshit is over.”

“It’s not bullshit. Why do you refuse to see it? It’s so obvious. I love her. And my son, I love my son.”

“That’s wonderful, Justin. We’re all really happy for you,” she rolled her eyes, “I can’t stand here and listen to you anymore. I’m going to my car and if you’re not out in 5 minutes I’m calling the lawyers and we’re going to start a big shit storm,” she finally turned to me, ignoring the baby in my arms, “This house. Your child support. Your tuition. Your car payment, all this shit is dependent on that contract you signed a year ago. That contract that clearly states that it all goes away if you have any contact with my son. Sure as hell looks to me like there’s some contact going on here. Go ahead and test me. See what happens.”

She slammed the door on her way out and Chris woke up again. 

“It’s ok,” I answered softly between tears as I tried to rock him back to sleep. 

“I’m so sorry, Mac. I don’t know how she—“

“I can’t keep doing this, Justin.” I spoke in a whisper, “it’s too much. It’s never-ending. It’s really screwing me up.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do.”

“We just need to stop,” I cried. 

“And then they win.”

“They already won. We signed a contract.”

“No,” Justin shook his head and began pacing around the room, “This isn’t what I want. I never wanted this. I didn’t want to sign the contract and I can’t. It’s a stupid piece of paper, I can’t just stop seeing my son because of a stupid piece of paper.”

I watched his eyes get red and puffy. His voice started to crack as he spoke and then there were tears, I can’t handle the tears. 

“What if—“ he paused to sniffle, “What if I don’t want that? What if I rip up that stupid piece of paper and let them sue me. It’s not going to really… I mean what court is going to…?”

“And then what, you’ll just never talk to your mother again?”

“She’ll come around.”

I actually laughed. He’s so stupid sometimes. 

“What else can I do?”

“You just have to go, Justin. You have to go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You have to.”

“I can’t, Mac! He’s my son. Why doesn’t anyone get that? He’s a part of me, and I can’t just leave and pretend he doesn’t exist. I don’t want him to grow up without a father. I did and it sucked, I don’t want him to.”

“It’s different,” I said as I placed Chris in his pack and play, “You’re not your father, and Chris will know that. He’s not going to feel neglected.”

“Yes he is. No matter what you do, he’s still going to. He needs his father. He’s a little boy and he needs a father. He’s going to hate me.”

“No he’s not,” I promised and wrapped my arms around Justin’s waist, “I won’t let him.”

He shook his head, “You can’t— it’s not up to you.”

“Of course it is! I’m his mother. I have that kid in the palm of my hand.”

Justin gave me a slight smile, “you need to send me pictures, and let me know how he’s doing. Not just the big milestones either, just random pictures all the time.” I nodded my head, “He needs to know that I love him and I didn’t abandon him. I don’t want this, he has to know I didn’t want this.”

“I promise,” I answered in a whisper, tears falling down my face.

Justin placed his hands on my cheeks and wiped away my tears, “And what about you? How am I supposed to leave you?”

We’ve been through his so many times, but it feels real this time. It feels like the end, like I’m not going to see him anymore, or even hear from him anymore. This is it.

“I love you so much. I just want you to know that. I wish things were different and I’m so sorry all this shit is happening to you because of me. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when we met at that party.”

“I know, I thought I was hanging out with Michael from Kentucky.”

Justin chuckled, “As soon as this all blows over I’m going to go back to being Michael from Kentucky. I’m going to come right here with a real ring and we’re going to get married. And be a family. And forget all this other shit ever happened.”

Justin wrapped his arms around me and gave me one last kiss. It made my knees go weak and my tears fall even more. He picked up Chris and whispered something that I couldn’t hear over my tears. He held him tightly and closed his eyes before kissing his forehead and placing him back in the pack and play. 

“I love you,” he called to me before picking up his bag.

I ran over to him and kissed him one last time, “I love you. Be careful. Don’t let her control everything.”

May 2, 2014

I can’t believe I have to go back to work next week. I’ve really been enjoying my time off, even if I was hardly able to move for most of it. I looked up from my book when I heard Justin stop playing the piano. He picked up his phone and walked into the other room. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen once I’m back at work. It’s kind of scary actually. Justin will probably leave, there’s no point of him staying anymore. I’m better, I can take care of myself.  He doesn’t have to feel responsible for it anymore. 

This time together has really helped Justin and Chris. They don’t have the perfect relationship yet, but I can really see it growing. It’s been good for Chris to have him around. I even heard them talking the other night after I went to bed. On their own. Like, after they went to their rooms Chris went into Justin’s room to talk. On his own. 

Justin came back in the room and sat down next to me on the couch. He offered a smile, “What do you need?”

“Nothing, I’m good.”

“Excited to go back to work?”

“I am, kind of. I’m glad it’s only a few days a week for awhile.”

“Yeah, good to ease into it.”

“When are you going back to work?”

He shrugged and leaned back, “I’m kind of in a transition phase.”

“I see that,” I laughed and leaned back with him, “It’s pretty weird… for you.”

“Why?” he looked over at me, “I’ve been needing this for a long time. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know. But why now?”

“I guess the timing is right,” he shrugged and looked away from me, “It was never right, but it was always right, ya’know? You called and I got to meet him and I know I’ve met him but this time I really got to meet him and know him as a person.”

I smiled as Justin continued rambling. 

“I guess my priorities changed?” he turned to me, “I have no idea Mac, why are you asking such difficult questions?”

“It was a simple question! You made it difficult.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, maybe. So look, I want to take you and Chris out tonight. OK?”

“Out?” I asked surprised, he’s not supposed to take us out. We’re not supposed to be seen together, “What do you mean out?”

“I mean out. Dinner and… some stuff.”

“What do you mean some stuff?”

Justin threw his head back and laughed, “Mac, I’m not going to tell you exactly everything. I just want to take you out. Is that ok? Or what, you need an itinerary?”

“No, I just—“

“You going out with Matt, or something?” 

I smiled at the hint of jealously in his voice, “No, I’m not.”

“Great, so we’ll leave around seven.”

“OK,” I waited a second before continuing, “But where are we going?”

~*~*~*~*~

“Where are we going?” Chris asked from the backseat of Justin’s Audi.

“What is it with you two and the inability to be surprised?” Justin asked as he looked back at Chris in the rare view mirror. 

“Because it’s stupid, why can’t you tell us? What if I don’t want to go?”

“You want to go. And you’re going, so deal with it,” Justin said, sounding  more like a father than he ever did before.

“When I was a kid Grandpa used to take me on surprise trips like this. He called them ‘Magical Mystery Tours,’” I looked back at Chris.

“See?” Justin smiled, thinking I was on his side. What a dummy.

“I hated them,” I finished, giving Justin a smirk. 

“See?” Chris answered in the same tone Justin had, “So it’s like a dumb father thing that dads have to do to annoy their kids?”

“I guess so,” Justin’s smile is so big. So damn big. I now my smile is probably just as big, but dammit Justin, pull it together. 

We’ve made so much progress. 

“Can you at least give us a hint?” Chris continued, completely oblivious to how his words are affecting us. 

“Uh… no. I can’t.”

Chris let out an annoyed sigh, “Are we going to eat? I’m hungry.”

“Yeah, of course you’re going to eat.”

“And then is that it or is there more?”

“Of course there’s more.”

Chris paused to think, “Is it fun?”

Justin chuckled, “no, I don’t think you’re going to have fun at all.”

I laughed when Chris sighed, not catching his father’s sarcasm. Then Justin turned down the familiar street and I knew immediately where we were going. 

A few minutes later he pulled into the parking lot of The Hungry Fox Diner,  grabbed a baseball cap from the side of his car door and gave me a half smile. 

“This is it?” Chris asked, “Seriously, this is the big surprise?”

“This is dinner, the first part. You said you were hungry.” Justin said as he turned around to face Chris, “And to be fair, I never said it was a big surprise. All I said was I was taking you guys out. You’re the one with the high expectations.”

I grabbed onto Chris’s hand as we followed Justin into the diner, “This diner is very special. Stop being such a bratty teenager.”

We sat down at our usual booth and I slid in next to Chris. I watched Chris look around, trying to understand what the big deal was with this place. 

He turned to his menu, “Can I get an orange soda float?”

“No, you have to get a root beer float,” Justin answered, giving me a smile.

“I don’t like root beer,” Chris looked up from his menu.

“I don’t accept that.”

The waitress came over and stood in front of the table. “Two root beer floats and uh… orange cream,” Justin said with a nod towards Chris, as if apologizing to the waitress. 

I laughed as she walked away. 

Justin and I shared a few looks, as Chris read through the menu. Neither of us needs to look at the menu. We know it by heart. 

“OK,” Chris said as he put the menu down, “What’s the big deal with this place?”

Justin shook his head and looked over at me, “kids these days don’t appreciate anything.”

I rolled my eyes along with Chris before speaking. “When we first met, we used to come here sometimes.”

“Oh yeah, that’s it?” Justin gave me a look, “Really Mac, we used to come here sometimes?”

“We came here a lot,” I corrected myself.

“We came here a lot,” Justin repeated then turned to Chris, “we came here all the time. It was our place. We came here and no one bothered us and we’d stay for hours.”

Chris looked confused, “What would you do here for hours?”

“Talk,” I answered before Justin could because sure, we talked but we also made out a lot. We liked this booth in the back because it was hidden. “We talked a lot.”

“Yeah sure, we talked all the time,” Justin smiled, “sometimes we’d do other stuff.”

“Like what?” Chris asked.

“Homework,” I answered quickly, “Sometimes I did my homework.”

“What did you do while she was doing homework?”Chris asked. 

Justin looked at me, that cocky smile covering his face, “I… I don’t know, Mac. What did I do while you were doing your homework?”

“Probably just sat there and watched me, like a little sad puppy,” I smiled. 

“Yeah,” Justin chuckled before turning back to Chris, “that’s not what happened.”

“OK, you guys are weird,” Chris said as the waitress brought our drinks and took our orders. 

“She’s weird, not me, right?” Justin asked as he playfully kicked my leg under the table. 

“No, you’re both weird,” Chris answered, then waited a second before continuing, “How come we never go to your house?”

“We went to my house,” Justin said. 

“Yeah, but… you have the waterfall and the golf course so why don’t we go there sometimes?”

Justin laughed, “Yeah, sure. We’ll go to my house sometime.”

“And he has a movie theater, Mom.”

“I know.”

“So, why didn’t we go there when we watched the movie last night?”

“Good point, Christopher,” I laughed. It’s weird how he’s gone from wanting nothing to do with Justin to wanting to go to his house. I know it’s because of all the cool stuff Justin has, but still, it’s kind of impressive. When Chris first met Justin he didn’t want anything to do with him. Justin couldn’t even buy his love. That seems like so long ago. I know it really hasn’t been that long, it’s weird to think me falling down that hill really was a blessing in disguise. 

We spent dinner talking like a family. Justin’s really falling into the role well, he’s asking questions that a father asks. He’s even got the dad jokes down. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in all of this. 

It really seems like Chris is falling into it, too. He’s still trying to figure everything out and get to know his father, but he’s asking questions. They have this new relationship. Just looking at them you can see they have an understanding. They still aren’t completely comfortable with each other, they still are trying to get to know each other, but they have a connection. They’re becoming attached. I couldn’t ask for more. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

It was nine thirty when we arrived at the Griffith Observatory, the main event of our night. We were the only ones going up the glass rail but there was a line of people leaving. I’m surprised that we’re here, but I’m not surprised we have this late night, special access. Chris, on the other hand, is completely in shock.

“How come we’re the only ones going up and everyone else is leaving?” he asked. 

“They’re closed so everyone has to leave.”

“Then why are we going if they’re closed?”

I turned to Justin to respond to that one. He shrugged, “it won’t be as crowded.”

“No, because they’re closed. Are we even going to be able to see anything?”

“Yes, they’re staying open for us,” Justin chuckled, “I get some special privileges, stick with me, kid.”

As we reached the end of the rail a man met us and guided us into the building. We walked past the crowd of people, some of them noticing Justin and whispering. Chris and I stayed behind. I’m used to having to keep my distance from Justin when we’re in public. It’s one of those things that I do without even noticing. Justin turned back when he realized we weren’t with him and waited for us to catch up.

The man took us on a quick tour, then led us to the room with the big telescope and left us alone. 

“You can see all the planets,” Justin began as he turned the light off and left us in the dark, except for a dim light near the telescope so it wasn’t pitch black, “I know you like astronomy, Chris. Tonight is a good night to see them all,” he paused and looked in the telescope, “It’s on Jupiter now, you can really see the spot in the middle.”

“The Great Red Spot?” Chris asked before looking in the telescope, “It’s a storm, you know? You can actually see it moving. It’s so cool. Mom, come look.”

Chris moved aside so I could look, it was amazing, as big as a full moon. 

“You can actually see the International Space Station tonight, too. It’s passing over any minute. You’ll only be able to see it for a couple minutes. You can’t see it from here that often.  Don’t miss it,” Justin smiled as Chris rushed back to the telescope. 

“I see it! I see it!” Chris shouted, “Come look!”

“That’s awesome, huh?” I said after taking a look. 

“It’s so cool. Justin, come look!” Chris stepped back and let Justin look, “The astronauts are like, up there. Right now. How cool. It’s like it’s so far, but it’s real. And they’re looking down at us and we’re looking up at them.”

I watched Chris run back to the telescope the second Justin stepped back.

“This is amazing Justin, thank you.”

“Yeah?” he smiled, “You like it?”

“I love it, and Chris is… I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time.”

Justin smiled and playfully bumped into me. We stayed in the observatory all night. It was hard enough to get Chris to leave, but once all the planets came into view we were able to get him to leave.

“I can’t believe we saw all the planets. It was so cool. The rings of Saturn! And Mars, it looked like a star. And the moon, you could see the craters so good. You could even see the shadows!” Chris was talking a mile a minute as we rode the tram back to the car. 

“So you had fun?” I asked with a smile.

“Uh, yeah it was only the coolest night ever.”

Justin smiled, “Yeah? So you’ll trust me next time I say I’m going to take you somewhere fun?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Chris said as Justin unlocked the car. “It was a lot of fun. Thanks for taking me Dad.”

Chris crawled into the backseat before either of us could even process what just happened.  Justin stood by the door, completely frozen. I could hardly move myself. 

“Are you ok?” I asked. 

Justin nodded his head, unable to look up from the ground, “Did he just…?”

“He called you Dad,” I answered in a whisper as I felt a tear fall down my cheek. 

“He called me Dad,” he turned to me and smiled, “He called me Dad, Mac.  To my face. Not referring to me as his father or anything, he said ‘Thanks, Dad.’ To me.”

I wiped my eyes and nodded my head, “He did. Are you ok? Do you want me to drive?”

Justin chuckled as he wiped his eyes that were getting watery, “You? You’re crying. How am I going to let you drive?”

“So are you!”

“I am not!” he laughed, “Should we just sleep in the car?”

“Probably,” I answered as I looked back at Chris who already fell asleep.

We drove back to my house in silence. I can’t believe this is happening. Everything is finally coming together. All I’ve ever wanted was for Chris to have a good relationship with his father, and it’s happening. It’s finally happening. 

“Did you have a good night, Mackenzie?” Justin asked.

“I had an amazing night Justin, thank you. It was perfect.”

“Yeah, it was perfect,” he smiled and reached over and squeezed my leg. 

Justin pulled into the driveway and turned the car off, but didn’t move to unlock the door. He turned to me like he wanted to say something, but didn’t. Instead he raised his eyebrow and gave me a half smile. 

“What?” I asked. 

“Nothing,” he shook his head and looked back at Chris, “You awake, buddy? We’re home.”

Chris stretched his arms over his head and slowly opened his eyes, “Carry me in,” he whined. 

“Yeah right, what do you think I’m The Rock?” Justin asked. 

Chris laughed, “Fine, I’ll sleep in the car”

“Alright, have fun with that,” Justin said as he got out of the car. 

“Come on, Bubs, you gotta brush your teeth. Your bed is so much more comfortable.”

Chris didn’t move, so I got out of the car and followed Justin inside. 

“Just let him sleep in the car?”

“He’ll come in. When he was little I used to carry him in. Then he got too big, and he used to fake sleeping in hopes that I’d carry him in. I’d have to leave him, but he’d get scared so he’d come running in right after me.”

“Classic,” Justin chuckled, “I used to do that with my mom too.”

I smiled and went into the kitchen where I put some water in the kettle.  

“I had a good time tonight, Mac,” Justin said as he stopped in front of me. 

“Me too. Thanks. Seriously Justin, it was great.”

He nodded his head and looked right into my eyes. I’m not quite sure what’s going on with him tonight. He says he had a great time but his face looks like he’s in serious pain. “Are you ok?”

“I’m… yeah,” he took a step back and nodded his head, “Yeah, I’m perfect.”

“OK,” I couldn’t help but laughed, “Are you sure? You don’t look perfect. Do you want a drink or something?”

“No, I’m fine I’m just… trying to take everything in.”

I nodded my head, “I know he called you Dad and that’s exciting but.. you gotta keep your cool or he’s going to stop saying it.”

Justin chuckled as the door opened and Chris slowly made his way inside, “Goodnight Mom,” he hugged me before sleepily making his way to Justin and giving him a quick hug, “Night Dad, thanks.”

“Goodnight Chris,” Justin said with a smile, waiting patiently to hear Chris’s bedroom door close before he spoke up, “He just said it again. It wasn’t a fluke!”

“Shh, you’re so loud,” I laughed, “He’s tired, he’s half dreaming.  See what happens tomorrow before you get too excited.”

“You’re so supportive,” Justin answered sarcastically. 

“I am supportive. I just feel like… today was all a dream.”

“Yeah, I feel that way too,” Justin answered softly. He moved back in front of me and looked down at me, right into my eyes. I felt my knees go weak, and my heart beating in my throat. Is this happening? Is this really happening? I took a deep breath, praying I don’t look as flustered as I feel. Justin rested his hand on the counter behind me and moved closer. He then closed his eyes and froze for a second, two seconds. three seconds, I’m not sure what is happening. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but instead let out a breath, opened his eyes and took a step back.  

He walked to the other side of the kitchen and ran his hands through his hair. He cleared his throat and looked over at me, “I just remembered that I have some work stuff to do tomorrow.”

He’s lying, he just told me this morning he wasn’t working for awhile.

I nodded my head. I don’t know what else to do but nod my head. 

“Do you think you guys will be ok if I head home? I’ll come back tomorrow night probably, or Sunday. I’ll let you know.”

“OK,” I answered in a whisper. 

“OK,” he nodded his head, “Thanks for letting me take you guys out tonight. I’m just going to go say goodbye to Chris.”

Why do I feel like this is more of a goodbye than he’s letting on? He already said goodbye to Chris. Chris is upstairs sleeping.

Everything just changed, in a matter of seconds, everything changed. 

When Justin made his way back downstairs he stayed in the living room and gave me a quick wave, “Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye Mac. Sweet dreams.”

“Bye” I said to the closed door. 

I don’t know what just happened. I went from having the best night I’ve had in a really long time to feeling completely lost and confused. It’s getting to be too much, I think that’s what it is. Spending time with Justin is really difficult because we have such a past. I can ignore the feelings as much as I want but I reach a point where I have to stop dreaming about what could have been or what should have been. I need to face the reality of it. He’s getting married to someone else. He moved on a long time ago, and I need to do that too. 

I turned off the lights and made my way upstairs. I peaked in Chris’s room and saw him sound asleep, still wearing his clothes from the day. He fell right on the bed and didn’t even bother to find his comforter that was laying on the floor. I reached down and pulled it over him, and kissed the back of his head.

Once I got into my bedroom I walked to the window to close the curtain. I looked down and saw Justin’s car still sitting in the driveway. The car was on, but he was sitting there with his  head in his hands resting on the steering wheel. I know that look, I’ve seen it so many times before. 

He’s not coming back.

January 2004

“Mommy!” he screamed with an anger I’ve never heard before. I ran into the living room to see my three year old son sitting in the middle of the floor with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“What’s going on, Bubba?”

“You broked my dinosaur!”he stared me down

“I broke your dinosaur?” I sat down on the floor next to him and glanced at the T-Rex body  beside him, and the T-Rex head thrown across the room. 

Chris pouted his lips and looked away from me, as if he couldn’t even stand the sight of the monster that purposely pulled his dinosaur’s head off it’s body. 

“Chris, I did not break your dinosaur. What happened to it? Maybe we can put his head back on.”

“Mommy!” he said between gritted teeth, “He’s broked.” 

“He’s broken, I know. But I bet we can pop his head back on. Why don’t you go get it for me?”

“Mommy!” he repeated, getting angrier and angrier each time. 

“OK, well I can try to fix it if you go get the head for me. But if you don’t want to do that I’m going to go back into the kitchen and finish making dinner.”

He looked at me. I looked at him. 

I don’t know why people pretend that the twos are so terrible and then kids automatically become angels. This kid, my son, has quite the attitude at three years old. 

He continued staring me down, thinking I’ll break and go get the head for him. I’m stronger than he thinks. I couldn’t give a shit about this dinosaur, let’s be honest. 

Instead, I stood up and went back into the kitchen and continued cutting up the carrots. 

A few minutes later I saw the top of Chris’s head on the other side of the counter. I ignored him and continued with the carrots until I felt him pulling at my shirt. “Yes?”

“Mommy, can you fix my dinosaur? Please?” he asked softly holding the body in one hand and the head in the other. 

“Of course sweetie,” I picked him up and placed him on the counter, “What do you think happened to him?”

Chris shrugged with his hand in the air, giving me that not so innocent look. He’s going to make my life so difficult in the future. I can already tell.

“Mmmhmm,” I laughed as I popped the head back on, “Try not to pull his head off again, ok sweetie?”

“OK,” he nodded once and smiled, “Thank you, Mommy.”

“You’re welcome, Christopher.”

The doorbell rang and Chris’s smile grew two times as big, “Mommy, the door!”

“I hear,” I placed him back on the floor, “Who do you think it is?”

“Grandpa?”

Chris ran to the door and opened the curtain to see who was there, “Not Grandpa.”

“No? Who is it then? Kelly?”

He shook his head and hid behind the doorway. 

“OK,” I answered softly, unsure of who else would be at my door on a Saturday afternoon. Chris ran back into the living room and hid on the couch. Hid as in, he laid on his stomach with his head buried in the cushion, and his butt sticking up in the air. I couldn’t help but laugh, he’s so adorable. “What are you scared of, Bubs?”

I opened the shade to look out the window and was surprised to see her standing there, nervously picking at her fingernails.  “Rachel? What’s— is everything ok?”

“Yeah, well… yeah. Sorry, I don’t want to freak you out. I would have called but I—“

“It’s ok, what’s going on?”

She looked behind me and I turned around to see Chris peaking out from behind the couch’s arm rest. 

“Come on in,” I moved into the living room and grabbed Chris in my arms. “Chris, this is Mommy’s friend Rachel. Can you say hi to Rachel?”

He hid his face against me.

“Hi Chris, you’re getting so big,” Rachel offered her sweet smile.

I put him down and he ran off  to play with his toys. 

“It’s really good to see you,” I said sincerely as I pulled her into a hug. Another bad part about all of this is that I had to loose contact with Rachel too. She really became one of my best friends while I was with Justin. We had some serious bonding time when I went to visit him on tour. 

“It’s good to see you, too. I can’t believe how big Chris is. He looks just like—“ she paused as Chris came over with his newly put together T-Rex. 

“Yeah, I know,” I answered with a smile, “Do you want some tea? Are you hungry?”

“No, no. I’m ok. I just—“

“Let me put a movie on for him so we can talk,” I grabbed Chris’s hand and led him back to the living room, “What do you say? Dumbo? or Peter Pan?”

“Dinosaur!”

“Of course Dinosaur,” I answered as I turned the television on and pressed play since that’s the only thing he ever wants to watch, “OK,” I kissed his forehead.

I nodded into the kitchen and Rachel followed. I put some water in the kettle and waited for her to say something, but she didn’t. She just turned and watched Chris as he moved his toy dinosaurs around as if they were characters in the movie. 

I offered a smile and placed the mug in front of her, “What’s going on?”

“I would have called but I don’t have your number.”

“How do you not have my number, Rach?”

“Seriously, that’s what I’m saying. I think she deleted it, do you think she would have deleted it from my phone?”

I rolled my eyes and felt my whole body tense up. “Are you really asking me if I think Justin’s mother would delete my number from your phone? Of course I do.” Just the mention of her makes my blood boil, “You do know what happened the last time I saw her.”

“Of course, Justin told me all about it. He was absolutely mortified, as I’m sure you know,” she paused then let out a quick chuckle, “I think she deleted it. She’s so nice, and I’m not just saying that because she’s my aunt, but I mean she’s so nice to everyone but you. She’s a completely different person to you. It’s so weird.”

“Well you know, I am a floozie who wants to destroy her son’s career so…”

“It’s so stupid, she doesn’t even know you.”

I reached to grab her phone from the counter and added my number, “Put a password on your phone, you dummy.”

“Thanks,” she smiled.

“Is Justin ok?” I figured I’d cut to the chase, that movie will only hold Chris’s attention for so long. It’s been over a year since that day his mother showed up at my front door and made him leave. We haven’t talked since. He emailed me twice, once right after he left and once on Chris’s birthday. I used to send him pictures every week, but he never responds so I stopped. I know it’s hard for him, maybe seeing the pictures make it worse. We had to cut each other off completely. 

She took a sip of her tea, “I honestly don’t know what to do. Coming here is probably the stupidest thing I could possibly do, but I feel like I’ve tried everything and—“

“What is it?”

“He’s not doing anything. He’s just laying in his living room looking into space. He doesn’t even have the TV on or anything. He’s just laying there. He won’t do anything, he hasn’t even showered. I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean? Why is he acting like that?” it’s not like him at all, he usually can’t sit still, I don’t understand.

“I mean, I can guess why,” she looked into the living room at Chris who was roaring and moving around the room like a dinosaur. 

“Why now though? It’s been over a year since—“

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “He’s been having a hard time, obviously, but he was doing better. He goes through phases where he’s super depressed then he’s almost back to normal. But this is different, he’s never been this bad. I don’t know what to do.”

I ran my hands through my hair, “Isn’t he working?”

“He’s had some time off. It always happens when he has time off.”

“I’ll go see if I can do anything,” I said before thinking. When it comes to Justin I always do before I think. I can’t just go to his house. He probably doesn’t want to see me. Plus there’s the fact that I have this little dinosaur in the next room who definitely can’t come. And the fact that Justin’s mother is probably hiding in a closet ready to attack me with a sword if I get anywhere near her son. 

“I mean I …” I caught myself, but it doesn’t matter. I know I’m going to his house. Rachel knows I’m going. Even if i didn’t want to go I’d be going because when I hear anything is wrong with Justin I just hop into action. As if I can fix it. As if I can fix anything. 

Rachel offered to watch Chris while I went to Justin’s. I’m not quite sure if she knows what she’s getting herself into. I waited for Chris to get comfortable with her, which actually took about five minutes. I told him Rachel was going to watch him and he said “Go Mommy! Bye bye!” That’s it. He’s over me. 

As I drove to Justin’s it hit me. I’m not sure what I think I’m going to do. He’s probably not going to be happy to see me, and even if by some chance he is it’s just going to make everything worse. 

I parked in his driveway and took a few deep breaths before making my way inside. The house was dark, and I turned on the light as I made my way through each room. I saw Justin laying on the couch with his arm over his head. It’s hard to tell if he’s awake or even alive. 

I sat on the chair across from him for a minute, but when he didn’t move I made my way to the piano and started playing it softly. I saw him shift his weight, but he didn’t get up. I continued playing. 

When I finished the song and waited a minute before moving back to the chair, walking around the house on my way back and turning on every light I passed. 

“Justin. Justin, get up.”

He moved his arm closer to his head. 

“Justin,” I spoke sternly and stood in front of the couch. When he didn’t answer I pushed his arm away from his face, “Justin. Get. Up.” 

He finally opened his eyes but there was nothing there. He blankly looked back at me. “Justin,” I spoke again. Still nothing. “Justin, what’s going on?”

He continued looking at me with no feeling. I’m not even sure if he’s looking at me or past me. It’s kind of creepy actually. I grabbed onto his arms and tried to pull him up but it was like a dead weight. 

“Justin, I have a hard enough time picking up our three year old son, I sure as hell can not pick up his twenty-three year old father. Get up.” I regretted the words before they even came out of my mouth. I don’t know what part of me thought it would be a good idea to bring up Chris right now. 

It worked, though. Justin stood up, but didn’t move any further.

I ran my hand through his greasy hair and forced him to look at me, “What’s going on?” I asked sincerely. 

OK, now I’m officially worried. It’s like he can’t even hear me. It’s like he’s in another world. I want to grab him and shake him. I want to hold him and make it better. 

Instead I grabbed his hand and dragged him upstairs into the bathroom. I pushed him into the shower and he stood there, looking at the wall. 

“Are you going to take off your clothes?”

He made no movement.

“OK, fine,” I reached over and turned the water on him. I put down the toilet lid and took a seat, watching him completely phased out letting the water fall over his fully clothed body. 

I watched as something clicked in him, maybe the water, maybe he just woke up. He turned and looked at me as if seeing me for the first time. Then he turned his gaze away and pulled his shirt off. 

I went downstairs as he showered and made sure the house was bright as I made my way. I opened the curtains and turned on the lights. His house has always been happy and full of life, but it looks so depressing now. I sat down at the piano, it looks almost identical to the at my house, minus John Lennon’s signature, of course. 

A few minutes later Justin made his way back downstairs and sat down next to me on the piano bench. He didn’t say anything so I stopped playing.  “Are you feeling better?” 

“What are you doing here?” his voice cut right through me.

I swallowed hard, surprised he’d be so openly upset. “Rachel’s really worried about you.”

Justin rolled his eyes and looked away. 

“I’m really worried about you,” I continued.

“Why are you worried about me? We haven’t even talked in over a year.”

“So? That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

“Really?” he gave me a side eye before looking away again, “We haven’t talked. In a year. Mackenzie.”

“Are you honestly blaming me for that? Your mother—“

“Stop,” he stood up before I could finish and made his way to the couch, “just stop. I’m not in the mood. I’m fine. You can tell Rachel I’m fucking fine. Everything. Is fine.”

“Everything is obviously not fine,” I spoke quietly .

“Yeah, you being in my fucking house is not fine. Me seeing you here, at my piano, is not ok.”

“OK, I’ll get off your fucking piano. Sorry.” As I slowly made my way to the couch Justin threw his head into his hands and rubbed at his temples. Apparently not only am I not helping, my mere presence is migraine inducing. 

“I’d rather you get off my fucking property.”

“Well too bad. I ordered pizza and I’m not leaving until it comes.”

He glanced up at me, then threw his head back in his hands before speaking quietly, “Why are you here, Mac?”

“Because Rachel came to my house and told me she was worried about you. And when it comes to you I don’t think. So here I am, trying to help. Even though I’m clearly making it worse.”

Justin took a deep breath and turned to me, “Seeing you isn’t going to make it better.”

“OK. Can you just talk to somebody please? It doesn’t have to be me,” I stood up, “I’ll leave, if that’s what you—“

“I don’t want you to leave,” he grabbed onto my arm and pulled me down next to him, “I’m just saying it’s not going to help.”

“What will help?” 

“I don’t know. Nothing,” he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and slowly rested his head on my shoulder. We sat like that, in silence, for a few minutes before he spoke again, “Marry me.”

I rested my head on his and closed my eyes,  surprised at his sudden mood shift. “Do you want to see pictures?” I asked in a whisper. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I had some sort of idea how to handle the father of your son’s depression because he’s not able to see his son. I think he might be the only man in history that isn’t allowed to see his son. Sure, plenty can’t see their son because they’re in jail or on the run, or there is drama with the mother. But this, our situation, has to be unique. 

“Yeah, but not yet. I need to work up to that. Tell me about him.”

“He’s really into dinosaurs,” I moved my head off his so I could look at him as I spoke, “That’s his new obsession. He wants to play with them all the time, he thinks he’s a raptor. It’s like, everything is dinosaur.”

“I used to love dinosaurs,” Justin spoke before wrapping his arm around me and pulling me down on the couch so I was laying with him. 

“Earlier today he called me over and was so mad at me because he broke his dinosaur and he tried to blame it on me. He has a little temper on him, quite the attitude. Like I would rip the head off his dinosaur just to mess with him.”

He absentmindedly ran his hand through my hair, “He’s talking a lot?”

“Yeah, I mean he speaks words. Not full sentences much. He’s starting to talk full sentences.”

“The nanny is still good?”

“She’s great,” I cuddled up to him.

“Is she there every day?”

“Yeah, just while I’m at class. Well, she stays longer so I can study but she’s not there all day.”

“Good. Tell me more.”

“OK I have a great story,” I moved back when I realized how close we were, but Justin pulled me back, “So, on Wednesday we go to the library for story time. He needs to be around other kids. So anyway, he has a little friend there named Jenna. I talk to her mom and she invited us over for a playdate. They were playing with Jenna’s dolls and we were in the kitchen. All of a sudden they both grab a doll and come into the kitchen all serious. Then they put the dolls in the oven, shut the door, and started laughing hysterically. They could not stop laughing. I’ve never seen him laugh so much,” I chuckled as I remembered before getting serious, “So, to make a long story short, I’m pretty sure our son is going to be a serial killer.”

Justin laughed, he full out laughed. A real laugh. I felt a sense of success as Justin smiled,  “I don’t want him hanging out with that girl anymore.”

“I agree.”

“There’s gotta be other kids in the neighborhood.”

“Yeah, there’s actually a little boy his age a few doors down. But I don’t know how to get them to be friends. How do you do that?”

“Just take him for a walk when they’re outside or something,” Justin shrugged.

“Yeah, good idea,” I paused, “It’s actually Shane Cook’s house. Do you know him?”

“THE Shane Cook?” Justin faked excitement. 

“He’s was in that movie with Freddie Prinze Jr.”

“Yeah, I know him,” he chuckled, “I mean not personally, but I know who he is.”

We both froze when the doorbell rang. The last time we were together and the doorbell rang it was his mother on the other side of the door, ruining everything. I remembered that I ordered pizza and moved to get up, but Justin held me tightly so I couldn’t move. 

“Why is someone ringing the doorbell?” he asked in a whisper. 

“The pizza.”

“You really ordered pizza?”

“Yes, let me up!” 

Justin let out a sigh but loosened his grip so I could move away to get the pizza.

“Are you feeding my kid pizza all the time?” Justin asked as I came back to the couch and placed the pizza on the coffee table.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a slice, “No, I feed him vegetables and order pizza after I put him to bed.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” Justin laughed as he grabbed a slice. 

“It’s really weird, having to like plan meals. I know I’m spoiled and the nanny does a lot of cooking, but it’s still weird. It’s weird to think how my mom was just as clueless when she had me and I always thought she had her shit together.”

Justin smiled, “How are your parents?”

“They’re good. They come over a lot.”

“Do they still hate me?”

“They never hated you.”

“Your mother definitely hated me for awhile. Your dad did too.”

I shook my head, “My dad hated you for like two minutes when he first met you and you were half naked on my bed.”

Justin laughed as he shook his head, “That’s gotta be the worst first impression ever.”

“Probably, it was amazing though,” I laughed, remembering how awkward that whole day was. “My mom never hated you. Even when she first found out I was pregnant and she wouldn’t talk to me, she still talked to you.”

“She didn’t really talk to me as much as she lectured me.”

I shrugged, “she acted like a mom,”

“I miss them,” he spoke quietly.

“They miss you,” I assured him.

And then there was silence and I ruined everything. 

“I’d ask if your mother still hates me but I already know the answer.”

I don’t know why I always bring it up. I know it’s stupid and I need to get over it, but I can’t. No matter how much it bothers me it bothers Justin even more. She’s his mother. She’s done everything for him, she’s made all these sacrifices for him and he loves her. He should love her. But then there’s this part of him that hates her because of what she’s done with us. I should be able to forget about it and move on. Even though thinking about her still keeps me up crying some nights, I need to stop for Justin, if for nothing else. 

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me, he studied my face. It felt like forever. I didn’t know if I should apologize for bringing it up, wait for him to say something, or just run out of the house and pretend it never happened. 

Justin licked his lips before finally speaking, “Did you say you brought pictures?”

May 10, 2014

The sound of a ball hitting the side of the house was constant, like the beating of a drum. For some reason, my sweet son has decided to kick a plastic ball against the front of the house. We do have a yard, and a garage, and plenty of other places he could be kicking a ball. I wouldn’t complain about him kicking the ball against any of those places, but maybe not the one room that I’m in, trying to pay the bills like a responsible adult. 

I took a deep breath and closed my laptop after paying the last. Then made my way to the driveway and stood with my arms crossed over my chest, wondering how long it would be before he even noticed me there. 

“Oh, hi Mom,” he said a few minutes later. 

“Why are you kicking against the house? Kick against the garage.”

“OK,” he shrugged and turned so he was facing the garage, then began kicking again. 

I watched my son and took a deep breath, he hasn’t been himself lately. It may have something to do with the fact that his father just disappeared a week ago yesterday. Which also happened to be the one time Chris even called him Dad. And then suddenly, for some reason beyond any of our knowledge, Justin had to go. 

“Do you want to go get some pizza?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Want to go swimming?”

“Not really.”

I nodded my head, trying to think of something to keep this kid occupied, “How about some ice cream? I bought the kind that has cinnamon and waffle pieces in it that you like.”

“OK, fine.”

I smiled at the small victory and tried to catch the ball as he kicked it one last time. Instead, it bounced out of my hands. I never claimed to be athletic. 

Chris chuckled as he caught the ball and headed into the kitchen. I’ll take it. He sat at the counter as I grabbed the ice cream, two spoons, and sat down next to him. 

“Where’s Landon today?”

“His cousin’s birthday party.”

I grabbed a spoonful of ice cream from the carton, “are you sure his parents said it’s ok for you to sleepover after the Dodgers game tonight?”

“Yeah.”

I’m really bad at this. I’ve always been bad with talking about things and I’m especially bad with talking about Justin with Chris. It was one thing when Chris didn’t know his father but I had to go and introduce them and then Chris got attached and then Justin decided he can’t handle it and disappeared. 

I don’t know how to talk to Chris about it. I don’t know how to pretend it’s ok and I know what’s going on when I’m even more clueless than he is. 

“Do you think Justin is going to come back soon?” Chris spoke up with his gaze fixed on the ice cream. It makes me so happy that he opens up to me, even though I’m such a shit mother who can’t open up to him.

“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly, “I’m sure he’s really busy, but I know he wants to see you.”

“But he just lives down the street so…”

“His job can be really hectic. Sometimes he gets called up and has to go travel somewhere and is gone for a week or so. Sometimes he has to work in the studio for a week and hardly gets out.”

“It’s been more than a week though.”

I nodded my head and answered softly, “Sometimes more than a week.”

“But he said he didn’t have to work for awhile.”

“I know, but sometimes it just comes up.”

I’m worried Chris thinks it’s his fault, when the reality of it is it’s probably my fault. Justin’s engaged and we’re spending too much time together. We have a history, obviously and it’s getting weird. 

“Have you talked to him at all?” I asked. 

Chris shrugged, “texted a little.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said he’s working and he’s busy and he’ll let me know when he gets back into town.”

I nodded my head, “I’m sure he’ll let you know as soon as he gets back.”

“It’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”

“Why do you think it’s weird?”

“Because we couldn’t get rid of him for like a month and then out of nowhere he just leaves and doesn't come back. He doesn’t even call or anything. That’s weird, isn’t it? Do you think he took us out to the Getty and stuff because he knew he wasn’t going to come back?”

“He’s coming back,” I assured him, “He probably won’t be staying here anymore but that was never permanent. He was just here to help out when I was hurt. He’ll be coming back soon. I’ll call him and see what’s going on.”

“No, don’t call him. I don’t really care. I just think it’s weird.”

I will call Justin. I’ve been so busy worrying about how his disappearance has affected me and not even worrying about how it affected Chris. Obviously it’s bothering him. He finally called him Dad, he was getting so close, and then just like that he’s gone and it’s back to being just Chris and I.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe Justin really is just working. Then again, he hasn’t called me or texted me. So I guess it’s more likely I’m the reason for his sudden disappearance. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chris went to the Dodgers came with Landon and his family. I sat in front of the television, pretending to be interested. It’s weird how I was looking forward to this peace and quiet. I couldn’t wait for a night alone and now I wish I had someone here with me. Someone to distract me from my thoughts. 

I need to stop with Justin. I need to move on, it’s not healthy for me to spend time with him. I need to let him and Chris have a relationship without me. There’s no reason for me to be involved in it. He’s getting married. 

The doorbell rang for awhile before I even noticed it. I shook my head, an attempt to clear my thoughts, as I made my way to the door. 

Justin stood in front of me with a box of pizza in his hands and a big smile on his face, “Hey! I brought pizza.”

I looked at him, then at the pizza, then back to him. “Hey. Chris isn’t here.”

“Cool, cause I brought beer too,” he gave me a cheesy grin as he held up a six pack. I watched the smile slide off his face when I didn’t respond, “Bad timing? Are you busy? I should have called.”

“No, I’m just—“ I paused, this is exactly what should not be happening. This is when I should tell him to come back when Chris is here. I looked up at him and he raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to finish my thought, “Yeah, of course. Come in. We could use a talk.”

“A talk? Uh oh,” he let out a quick laugh before following me inside, “Where’s Chris?”

“Dodgers game with Landon and his dad.”

Justin nodded his head and opened the pizza box as he placed it on the coffee table, “I thought he’d be here. I would have brought something else if I knew it was just us.”

“Pizza’s good,” I shrugged as I grabbed a piece. 

He nodded again and opened a bottle of beer before handing it to me, “You good? Sorry I wasn’t around this week, it was crazy. I’ll tell you about it later, but how are you feeling? How’s the leg?”

“It’s fine, everything’s fine,” I snapped. I don’t know why I’m snapping, I mean I guess I know why, but I’m supposed to be able to pull myself together. 

“OK,” he made a face, recognizing my tone, “I’m glad it’s not bothering you anymore,” he finished sincerely. 

I felt instant regret for snapping at him. He just asked how I was. He’s helped out a lot since I’ve been hurt. I need to get a little more mature about this. 

“Can we get serious for a minute?” I don’t know where that came from. I don’t want to talk, I know we need to but I don’t want to. 

“Yeah, of course,” he smiled, “I want to talk too.”

“OK, me first though.”

“OK,” he chuckled before taking a long swig of his beer. I did the same, trying to buy some time to sort out my thoughts. This is all happening so quickly. I want him to go away for another two days and then come back. We can talk then. I’ll have a speech prepared by then. 

I took another long swig of beer and looked over at Justin. He smiled, “Whenever you’re ready.”

I took a deep breath before beginning, “First of all, I’m so happy that everything is working out with you and Chris. I know how weird it was at first but you’re doing a great job. He was such a brat at the beginning, but you didn’t give up. It would have been really easy for you to walk away.”

“I wouldn’t have walked away,” he answered, “I’ve been waiting for this his whole life.”

“He’s really opening up to you. It makes me so happy that you two have this connection.”

Justin nodded his head, “Yeah, me too. I don’t think he hates me anymore. That’s a huge step.”

“Yeah, he definitely doesn’t hate you.” I took another long swig of my beer, “But you can’t just leave like that. I get that you’re busy and work just comes up, but Chris was really worried. He didn’t know where you were.”

“I know, I had a crazy week.”

“I get that. We all have crazy weeks. But he didn’t know where you were. He was worried. He called you Dad and then you disappeared. You can’t do that.”

“I didn’t disappear, Mac. I had to take care of some stuff. And I talked to Chris every day,” he answered defensively 

“You talked to him? He said he didn’t talk to you.”

“We texted,” he answered softly, “I get it. I should have called. I’m new to this, ya’know? It’s been a crazy week. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Can I tell you about my week?”

“No,” I shook my head and took another swig, waiting for the liquid courage to set in. 

“Are you alright?” he watched me carefully. 

I nodded my head and looked to the ground, “It was really important that I was around at the beginning, of course, because I wanted Chris to feel comfortable. I mean, I wanted both of you to feel comfortable. Now you’ve bonded and you’re comfortable around each other. You don’t really need me to be that buffer anymore.”

When I finally gained the courage to look up at him he gave me a half smile, “What are you saying? You need a babysitter or something?”

I stifled back a laugh, “No, I don’t need a babysitter. I’m saying you and Chris can hang out on your own. I think it’s best that I’m not there anymore. You can pick him up and take him somewhere, or you can stay here and I’ll go out. We can figure out a schedule. It’s better if I’m not around.”

He surprised me when he answered without missing a beat, “No.”

“No? What do you mean no?”

“I mean, no. That’s ridiculous.”

“What? You can’t just—“

“Look, Mac,” he broke in, “of course I want to spend time with Chris. Of course I want to get to know him better. But I want to spend time with you too. It’s amazing that I’m able to get to know him, but you’re part of this too. I’m not going to pick him up and take him out and wave at you from the car. We’re not this divorced couple that hates each other. What the fuck?”

I was surprised at his anger. I thought we’d be on the same page about this. “Well, I made the decision so you can’t really—“

“You can’t just make that decision. You can’t just out of nowhere decide you don’t want to see me anymore. We have a son.”

“I can. Actually, legally, I’m not supposed to see you at all so…”

“Really Mac? Legally? You’re going to go there?” he stood up and started to pace around the room. 

I went too far. I always go too far. Why did I even say that? “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—“ I answered softly but he continued pacing, taking a deep breath before sitting back on the couch. 

He put his head in his hands and massaged his temples for a second before looking up at me, “I just came over pizza. You can’t just spring this on me like oh, by the way, I don’t want to ever see you again.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“You did say that. Where the hell is this coming from?”

“We’ve been spending a lot of time together.”

“Yeah,” he spoke unable to see the correlation, “It’s been great.”

I bit at my lip. How does he not get it? Why is he going to make me say it? “You’re engaged,” I spoke in a whisper. 

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. I slowly looked over at him, and he was focused on the empty bottle of beer in his hand. This can’t be the first time he’s thinking about it. He can’t be that oblivious. “I want to tell you about my crazy week.”

“I don’t— are you kidding? You can’t just change the subject.”

“I’m not, I just need to tell you about my week.”

“Great, can you maybe do that after we finish this?

“Alright,” he chuckled and leaned back on the couch, noticeably more relaxed, “So to summarize,  you don’t want to see me again because we’re not a family. You want me to take Chris and the two of us can go bond while you do whatever it is you want to do, as long as it’s not with me.”

“Justin, come on.”

“That’s what you’re saying. And I’m saying no. I’m not ok with that. So let me tell you about my week. Honestly Mac, did you think I’d just be like yeah, cool idea, and be done with it? Have another beer and calm down.”

I grabbed the beer from his hand and wanted to smash the bottle against his smug, condescending face. Instead, I took a long swig and leaned back on the couch myself. “Please, tell me all about your week, you idiot.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, but didn’t speak.  He opened another beer for himself and took a sip. I watched as he nervously picked at the label on the bottle and then looked up at me, let out a deep breath, smiled, and looked back at his hands. He slowly looked up at me before speaking seriously, “I’m sorry I just left like that. It was a lot for me to take in. I mean, spending so much time with you and Chris has been amazing, but it’s also pretty intense. He called me dad and that just really fucked with me on a deep level. I didn’t think it would,” He paused again and took another sip as he stared into space, “It’s just been making me question everything and think about what could have been, or what should have been. And how everything would have worked out if you just married me when you got pregnant in the first place. Like I asked you to. So many times,” he swallowed hard, “So I just left, because it was a lot for me to take in. It was a great night at the Getty and, honestly,” he closed his eyes and licked his lips, “It was really hard for me to keep my hands off you.”

I felt my heart beating in my throat as he continued. 

“I got on a plane that night, I didn’t even go home to pack. I went right to the airport and got the first flight to Vancouver where Kate is filming. I told her everything. About Chris. About you. Everything.”

I thought he’d continue but I spoke up when he didn’t, “How did that go?”

“Well the Chris thing went OK. Not great, but better than I expected, to be honest. She wasn’t so happy about you but—“ he paused to chuckle and waited a few seconds before continuing, “I told her everything, Mac. I was completely honest about everything, about how I’m feeling about you and how I’ve always fucking felt about you. I told her I didn’t want to do it anymore and I called it off. I called it all off.”

I think my heart might jump right out of my body. Is this really happening? I can’t believe this is really happening. 

“So basically, Mac, what I’m saying is I’m not going to come by, pick up Chris, and ignore you. I’m not going to stop spending time with you because I want to spend all my time with you. I want to be that family we were always supposed to be,” he grabbed on to my hands and let out a quick laugh, “Honestly, I was expecting some kind of a reaction here, not just a blank stare, but I guess we can work with that.”

“Sorry, I just don’t—“

“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything. These past few months have been intense. And you were all ready to write me off completely. I understand if you want some time to think about it. I’m not going to stop seeing you though. I mean, I’ll give you some time if that’s what you need but I’m not giving up.”

I bit at my lip, trying desperately to take this all in.

He licked his lips, “I’m going to kiss you now.”

I still can’t form words. My mind is working but there’s no connection. Get your shit together, Mac. This is Justin. This is the man you’ve been in love with your whole adult life. Say something. Make a movement. Grab him and kiss him. 

Justin leaned in to me, and stopped mere inches from my face, “Honestly Mac, I feel like I need something from you here. I don’t want to just kiss you when I don’t even know if you’re… are you ok?”

I nodded my head. 

He looked worried, “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” I can form words when I need to. 

He chuckled, “so I’m going to kiss you.”

He waited for a response. I gave him nothing. 

“Mac, I—“

I grabbed his head in my hands and pulled him closer, “Yes, you idiot. Kiss me.”

Justin smiled and slowly pressed his lips against mine. 

And that was it. I lost all control. 

March 2006

There was one of those amazing thunderstorms where the whole sky lit up like a light show. I always loved thunderstorms, and luckily I have a five year old who loves them just as much. We sat in the living room, looking out at our view over Los Angeles. The city illuminating as the lightning danced through the sky. 

“WHOA!” Chris shouted with a giggle as a bolt flashed horizontally across the sky. 

“That was a big one!” I laughed, holding him tightly on my lap. 

He turned to me with a smile bigger than the sky, “Mommy, it was SO big!”

“I know, so cool!” 

I couldn’t help but watch my son’s reaction to the lightning, instead of the lightning itself. He gets so excited, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. 

After taking in the moment a little too long, I looked over at the clock to see it was already ten o’clock. How did we sit out here for two hours watching the lightning? “Alright sweetie, it’s time for bed.”

“Noooo!” he whined, “Just a little longer! Please?”

“It’s already way past your bedtime. It’s way past my bedtime.”

He giggled, “Mommy doesn’t have a bedtime!”

“Of course I do, I have to work in the morning,” I smiled, cuddling up to him and enjoying the moment too much to even move. 

A knock on the door surprised and confused me. 

“Knock, knock?” Chris asked, just as confused, “Who’s knock knock?”

“I don’t know,” I giggled at my adorable son, “You wait here and I’ll go check. Then it’s bedtime!”

“Nooooo!” he giggled as I tickled his belly.

“Yesss!” I giggled back and jogged to the front door. 

The smile slid off my face as I opened the door to see Justin, soaking wet and looking down at me. “What are you-“ I looked back inside to see Chris still sitting by the window and quickly stepped out, closing the door behind me, “What are you doing here?”

He looked down at me, water dripping down his face. I wasn’t quite sure if it was all just the rain, it seemed like some of it was tears too. It’s been two years since I’ve seen him, almost as long since I’ve even talked to him.

I waited another second for him to say something before I continued, “Justin, I- Are you ok? Chris is awake you can’t— you can’t just show up.”

He still didn’t say anything, but instead sniffled and wiped his eyes. That’s when I was sure it was tears. 

“Justin,” I spoke sternly, placing my hands on his wet shoulders to shake him, “What’s going on?”

“I’m drowning,” he finally spoke up quietly, “It’s like they’re holding my head underwater and waiting to see how long I can last.  I’m running out of breath.”

I watched him carefully, worried about him much more than I ever was before, “Well, move out of the rain,” I pulled him under the awning. 

Justin moved like a zombie, like he had no reason to move out of the rain. No reason to do anything. 

“OK, I need to put Chris to bed. Wait a few minutes, let me get him upstairs, then come in, ok? I’ll be back down soon.”

I kept the door open a crack and went back into the living room where I was surprised to see Chris sound asleep on the chair. I picked him up and carried him upstairs, trying not to wake him as I changed him into his pajamas.

“No Mommy, I wanna watch the sky,” he spoke as I placed him in his bed. 

“Silly, it’s sleepy time. I’ll open the curtains so you can watch in case you can’t sleep,” I said even though he’ll be asleep before I even leave the room. “Good night Christopher. I love you.”

“Night night Mommy, I love you” he spoke as he drifted off to sleep. 

I grabbed a towel and a pair of sweats and t-shirt as I made my way back downstairs, where Justin was standing by the fireplace, looking at the pictures of Chris on the mantle.  

I handed him the towel, “Why don’t you change? I’ll make some tea and put your clothes in the dryer.”

He had that blank look on his face, that same look he had the last time I saw him.  He pulled his shirt and jeans off, standing in front of me in nothing but his boxers. I mean, I meant he could go to the bathroom and change but this works too. He grabbed the towel and dried himself off before pulling on the sweatpants and t-shirt I left for him on the couch.  I grabbed his wet clothes and put them in the dryer before coming back out to see him looking at the pictures over the fireplace again. 

I made us each a cup of tea and placed them on the coffee table before sitting on the couch, waiting for him to say or do something. 

“He’s getting big,” he spoke quietly before sitting on the couch across from me.

“Yeah, I know. It’s crazy.”

He nodded his head. 

“Are you ok?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I’m not.”

I’ve seen him at some of his lowest points, but this is different. I know I said that last time I saw him, but that was me going to him. This time it’s like even he knows he can’t handle this on his own. And that scares me to death. 

It’s really hard for me to see him suffering. I hate that I only see him when he’s suffering. I don’t know what to do, or what to say, but I need to make it better. I can’t keep seeing him like this. 

  “What’s going on? Tell me.”

“I feel like, I’m being smothered. They’re holding this pillow over my face and I can’t breathe anymore. I’m flailing and they just keep pushing it harder and there’s nothing I can do to get out from under it.”

“Who?”

“I’m being pulled in so many directions and no one even cares about what I want. They don’t even listen to me. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and they’re walking right by me like I’m not even making a sound. Like I’m invisible.”

“So make them listen,” I answered simply.

He shook his head, running his hand over his chin, “They don’t listen.”

“Make them listen. Justin, it’s your life. You’re in charge of it.”

“It’s not like that, I don’t have a say because I’m not a person I’m a brand.”

I looked him over and my heart sank. I really hate all this. I wish I knew what to say.  “You look an awful lot like a person to me,” I offered a smile. 

“Yeah, only to you,” he answered in a whisper, looking down at his feet. 

Justin’s eyes finally met mine as we heard footsteps upstairs. 

“Mommy! Where are you?” 

My heart beat in my throat as I jumped off the couch, “I’ll be back, don’t go.” 

I ran upstairs to see Chris walking back and forth in the hallway with his arms comically thrown in the air, “Mommy!” he smiled when he saw me. 

“What are you doing awake?” I grabbed him and carried him back to bed .

“YOU was gonna open my window so I can watch the sky. But look,” he pointed to the window, “it’s closed.”

“I am so sorry,” I laughed as I opened the blind, “but you are supposed to be asleep.”

“I told you, I’m not tired!”

“I’m tired,” I said as I crawled into his bed, “Come on, I’ll lay down with you.”

Chris let out a sigh and fell onto the bed, “Mommy, wanna… tell me a story?”

“I sure do,” I smiled and wrapped my arms around my little guy, “Once upon a time there was a little boy named…”

“Puppy!” Chris answered with a giggle.

“OK, Puppy,” I laughed, “So this little boy—“

“Puppy!”

“Yes, Puppy. Puppy was scared of thunder and lightning. The big bangs made him jump and hide under his bed. The lightning made him cover his eyes and wear sunglasses at night.”

“But Puppy shouldn’t be scared cause lightning is awesome!”

“OK,” I answered, “But Puppy’s friend came over one night and they had a sleepover. And his friend said not to be scared of lightning because… why?”

“Because it’s awesome!” he giggled

“Yes, but Puppy was still scared.”

“So Ice Cream, that’s Puppy’s friend’s name, Ice Cream.”

“Ice Cream? That’s not really a name, but—“

“Ice Cream! That’s his name. Ice cream said don’t be such a scary cat!”

“Yeah, but Ice Cream is a little nicer than that because  he wants to help his friend Puppy.”

“OK, OK Ice Cream says, don’t be scared my sweet little friend. Thunder is just a big boom but it don’t hurt you. And lightning is like colors dancing in the sky.”

I turned when I heard a rustling at the door and saw Justin peaking in. I smiled and turned back to Chris, “That’s such a pretty way to say that.”

“It’s like… flashlights in the sky. It’s like drums going bang bang bang. It’s like the lights at Disneyland. ‘Memba those, Mommy?”

“I sure do. They were so pretty, weren’t they?”

“Yeah. I like them,” he answered softly, finally falling to sleep, “I like them with the music. And when Tinker-Bell came down from the castle.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“That was my favorite.”

“Mine too,” I answered softly, feeling his breath slow as he fell asleep beside me. I turned to the doorway, where Justin was still standing, “You can come in, he’s asleep,” I whispered. 

Justin quietly walked to the side of the bed where Chris was laying. He sat down on the floor so he was at eye level, and watched Chris carefully, unable to move. 

I watched Justin, unable to keep his eyes off his son, and realized how similar the two of them are.  He reached out and gently touched Chris’ face, moving a blonde curl away. Justin bit at his bottom lip as his eyes began to tear up. 

I couldn’t help but wonder what life would have been like had Justin and I stayed together, if I married him back when I had the chance. Would we be here like this, laying together in Chris’ bed when he can’t sleep?

Justin leaned down,  kissed Chris’s forehead, and gently rubbed his back before standing up and walking out of the room. I kissed Chris’s cheek and went out to the hallway where Justin was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, breathing deeply.

I stood in front of him for a second without him even noticing I was there. He’s in his own world and seeing Chris definitely didn’t help the situation. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. “Are you ok?”

I felt him nod against me, “You’re such a good mother.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Thanks.”

“I’m serious. You’re so good. I mean, you were so nervous.”

“Yeah, he kinda grew on me,” I smiled as we pulled away. 

Justin cracked a smile for the first time all night and wiped his eyes. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess, ya’know? It just keeps getting harder.” 

“I know,” I answered honestly. I hate seeing him like this, I’ve always been able to make him feel better so I did the only thing I knew would cheer him up.

I kissed him. 

Justin wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him, deepening the kiss. I stopped thinking and allowed myself to let loose, falling into him. We continued kissing as we made our way into my bedroom. Justin moved his lips to my neck and gently tugged at my shirt before taking a step back and searching my face. 

He’s thinking, I’ve stopped thinking a long time ago but he’s still thinking. I gave him a sexy smile and took a step forward. I gently pressed my lips against his and placed my hands on his chest, pushing him gently so he was sitting on my bed. I slowly pulled my shirt over my head and Justin licked his lips and slowly looked me over. 

He pulled his own shirt off and I got distracted by his six pack. I don’t remember him having a six pack, definitely not one that looks like that. 

Justin gave me that sexy half smile of his before he spoke quietly, “Come here.”

I smiled and stepped out of my so-not-sexy sweatpants, “No. You. Come here.”

He stood right up,  pushed his sweatpants down, and took a step towards me, but I put my hand out to stop him from getting too close. He looked me over, “You said—“

“I changed my mind,” I answered and watched him slink back, regretting my choice of words immediately, “no wait, I didn’t mean… just sit.” 

He sat.

“I just…” I continued, slowly placing my thumb through my left bra strap and sliding it down. 

Justin smiled, then bit at his lip, “you just what, Mackenzie?”

“I just…” I slowly slid my right bra strap down. 

“Keep going.”

I smiled, and turned around reaching my hand back to unhook my bra. 

“You need some help with that?” 

“I got it,” I smiled to myself as I unhooked it and threw it back at him. 

He chuckled, “Turn around.”

I slowly turned around, my arm covering my chest. 

Justin shook his head, “You’re killing me here, Mac.”

“I’m not doing anything,” I laughed. 

“Yeah, you’re not doing anything, all right,” he answered sarcastically, “Will you come here?”

“Not yet.”

“Can I come there?”

I giggled and turned back around, locking the door just in case, “Not yet.”

“That ass, though. God, I missed that ass.”

“My ass? That’s what you missed?” I turned around. 

“Yup. That’s it. The only thing,” he joked as I stepped towards him. 

“I don’t believe that,” I said as I stopped a foot away from him. 

“Good, you shouldn’t,” he licked his lips and reached for my arm, “Stop fucking with me, Mackenzie.”

“I’m not fucking with you,” I smiled and released my arm from my chest so he could grab my hands and pull me closer. 

He wrapped his arms around my wast and grabbed my ass as I leaned down and kissed him, before straddling his waist. He moved his hand to my breasts, then his lips, and I threw my head back. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt his lips on me, hell it’s been a long time since I’ve felt any lips on me. That is besides Chris… our son.

I shot up, remembering what happened the last time we were in a situation similar to this and got caught up in the moment. Justin looked concerned as I rummaged through my dresser. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just—-“ I paused when I found what I was looking for, and triumphantly held it in the air, “It’s been a while and I…” 

He grabbed the condom from my hands and ripped it open, “Smart.”

“I’m very smart,” I said as I stood in front of him. 

“You sure are,” he chuckled, placing his thumbs under the elastic of my panties.  I felt my knees go weak and grabbed onto his shoulders for support. He paused and looked up at me. 

“Stop fucking with me, Clark Kent.”

He chuckled and pulled me down on top of him, kissing me passionately. He rolled on top of me and looked down, “You’re so beautiful.”

“Stop,” I laughed, “Just—“

“I’m giving you a compliment!”

“Well don’t give me a compliment right now, just…”

He held himself over me, looking down into my eyes and making my whole body ache, “Just what, Mackenzie?”

“Stop fucking with me.”

A big smile slid to his face, “You want me to stop fucking with you?”

“Yes. Stop fucking with me and just fuck me.”

“Ok,” he answered with a chuckle as he pulled me leg up, “I can do that.”

He kissed my lips hard and pulled my panties off before pulling his boxers down. I moaned as I felt his fingers between my legs before he slowly slid inside of me. I felt him smile against my lips as I couldn’t help but moan. 

I wrapped my legs around him as he continued grinding into me, our bodies completely in sync. There’s something about him and me and this thing we do. We’re always in tune, we know what we like and what we need. Even when it’s been years since the last time. 

I felt my body tense up as I reached my point. Justin rolled off me and pulled me to his chest as we both tried to catch our breath. He thoughtlessly played with my hair and I couldn’t help but think about what it would have been like if this was our life. If we got married, would we have more kids by now? Would we be a happy little family living the dream? 

Probably not. We’re probably be divorced by now. His mother would probably have a restraining order against me.

I hate how my mind automatically goes to what would have or could have happened if life was a fairy tale. It’s not. It never will be. 

Justin kissed the top of my head, “That was…”

I looked up to see a big smile cover his face, “What? That was what, Justin?” 

“All you. That was all you. I was… not expecting that.”

I shrugged, “I wanted to cheer you up.”

“Well it worked,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around me tighter, “It definitely worked.”

“I’m so glad,” I laughed, resting my head on his chest. 

“God Mac,” he took a long breath before playing with my hair again, “Just marry me, would you?”

I giggled. He did not.

“I’m not completely joking.”

“Come on…”

“You’re the only person that actually cares about me. You’re the only one that legitimately gives a shit and looks out for me and thinks of me as a person not a brand.”

I sat up so he could look at me as I spoke, “Justin, a lot of people care about you. I know you’re not feeling like it now, but you need to take a break from everything. You need to hire new people and distance yourself from the people who aren’t listening. You’re not a kid trying to make it anymore, you’re an adult who has made it. So make them listen to you.”

“Yeah,” he nodded his head, “Or you could marry me.”

“What would that  fix?”

“Everything, are you kidding? First of all, you’d always have my back. So whenever anyone is being a bitch I can just be like Mac, take care of this,”  he answered with a half smile.

I laughed and fell back to his chest, “You’ve lost your mind.”

“I’m serious. Actually, I’d just quit all the bullshit and go back to school or something. We could move out in the middle of nowhere and be a normal family.”

He’s trying to joke about something that he’s absolutely serious about. It’s no secret how much he hates the current situation and would give up everything to just be Chris’s father. He’s felt that way since I found out I was pregnant. 

“You know,” he continued, “one of these days you’re going to say yes, cause I’m not going to stop asking until you do.”

I placed my hand on the side of his face, “We’re going to figure it out Justin, especially with Chris. I mean, you can come over more and see him when he’s sleeping. I know it’s not ideal but it’s something. And you can come talk to me more. You don’t have to wait until you get to the breaking point.”

“I’m not supposed to have any contact with you.”

“Like that’s ever stopped you before.”

He looked down at me, giving me a half smile, “I’ve missed you Mac.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“Then marry me.”