My name is Felicity Stevens.  I’m sixteen years old, and in two days, I’ll turn seventeen.  From the day I was born until I was five, I went by a different last name.  Then my mom married Gary, and our lives changed again.  He’s always been there, even before they got married.  They started dating while I was still in diapers, and he’s the only man I’ve ever called daddy, despite the fact that he’s not my real one.

But my real one barely counts.   

Sure, he sends cards and gifts on my birthday, and Christmas.  I’ll get a phone call from him every six months.  Those conversations last for about thirty seconds.  I’ll say hello, he’ll ask me how school is, I’ll tell him fine, and then I’ll give the phone back to my mother.  Some years, he even shows his face on Thanksgiving.  We barely speak, even then.  I’m a lot closer with Nanna.  I guess she’s the one thing he’s been able to give me that’s lasted...that’s not a material possession.  If I had my way, I’d just take her, and cast him aside.

Like he’s always cast me aside, my entire life.

But now...now I’m being forced to spend time with him.  Three months, in Los Angeles, while my friends take summer vacations with their families.  My boyfriend, Scott, he wanted me to come spend the summer with him and his family at their beach house in Cape Cod.  I was so excited, told daddy all about it, and he gave me his blessing, even though he tries to act like I’m too young to date.

Then mom stepped in, and told me she had other plans for my summer break.

“What do you mean I’m spending it with Justin?”

“Honey...please, try to understand.  Your Nanna, Justin and I have been talking, and we  feel like...it’ll be a good experience for the both of you.  We were so young when you were born, honey.  He was caught up in so many other things, and he knows he hasn’t been around for you like he should have been.  With the Juilliard audition coming up, I know it will be the perfect time for you two to get to know each other all over again.  He can teach you things, show you things that you might not be able to learn with anybody else.  Music is the one thing he knows the best, so I want you to try, because he’s willing to put his life on hold for you now.  He really wants to spend this summer with you.”

“Now?” I scoffed.  “Now that I’m old enough to take care of myself, right?”

My mom sighed, and gave me that ‘please do it for me’ look.  “It’s important, Felicity.”

“I have a father.”

“Maybe it’s time you let Justin have a shot.  He knows he’s had his faults, but he’s older now, and so are you.  He wants to get to know you, and I’m all for that.  Daddy is too.”

I shook my head.  “I don’t need him, mom.  I never have, and daddy is good enough.”

“He’s paying for school,” she told me.  “I think he deserves a little bit of gratitude from you.  Lord knows, your daddy and I would never be able to put you in that fancy school by ourselves.”

“Well it’s a good thing you slept with him on a whim then, huh?”

Her mouth hung open.

I knew it was a really bad thing...what I said, and later on, when daddy got home from the restaurant he let me know that I needed to apologize to my mother the next morning.

So I did.

But it didn’t change my mind about anything.

I started to play the piano by ear when I was about four years old.  By the time I was seven, I could read music, and by the time I turned eleven, I was part of a junior symphony orchestra in Philadelphia.  They tell me I’m some kind of piano prodigy, but I’ve never really taken that to heart.  It’s just something I do, something I’ve always done, and I’ve decided I want to take it one step further, try to get into Juilliard after my final year of high school and develop myself as an artist...

Without his help.

But now he’s interfering, and I wish he wasn’t.

I wish I didn’t inherit the one thing I love more than anything else, from him.  It frustrates me, pisses me off, because I don’t want to be like him.  I don’t want to continuously live in his shadow, be a carbon copy of him.  I don’t want to have a kid, leave, get her hopes up every time I say I’ll be able to make that trip out to see her, only to cancel a few weeks later because ‘something came up’.

I stopped taking his promises seriously when I was about seven.

And as I stand here in the airport terminal, waiting for my baggage to come around the carousel, I fully expect my phone to ring, the voice on the other end of the line being his, telling me there’s a plane ticket at the will call counter...because something came up and he suddenly has other plans this summer.

“Felicity?”

I turn.  He’s actually there, by himself, come to pick me up like he told my mother he would this morning when he called.  

I think it’s the first time in my life he’s ever kept his promise to her.  I should be happy, greet him with a warm smile, and give him that hug I promised my daddy I would.

But I can’t do it.

All I can do is stare.

“Hey um...Felicity...how are you?”

He’s talking to me like I’m some long lost business acquaintance of his.  “Fine, Justin.”

He frowns a little and licks his lips.  “Flight was okay?”

I just nod.

He shoves his hands in his pockets, and stares at the baggage carousel, because it’s started to rotate and deliver the luggage off my flight.  I flew first class, thanks to him, and so my bags are some of the first ones put out to take.  Justin steps in front of me, and won’t allow me to collect my stuff on my own.

He’s trying too hard, already.  Christ, I just got here.

Really, he doesn’t owe me a thing, because I learned how to live my life without him long, long ago.

“That’s it then?”  He asks, after the fourth bag comes off the conveyor.

“Yeah.” I tug my backpack back up my arm.  “Just the four.”

“Great okay...uh...this one is light.  You take that and I can manage these three.”  

He slides it over to me, the tiny one, and I pick it up with one hand as I watch him struggle with my three bulky suitcases.  “You sure you got it, Justin?”

“I got it.”  He forces a smile for me, as he gets the luggage together.  “You ready? The car is just out front.  I have somebody watching it.”

“I guess so.”

“Cool, come on.”

I follow him without another word.  As we walk out of the terminal, three girls stop us, and beg him for autographs and pictures.  He does so, feigning happiness as he bullshits with them, signs their papers and poses for pictures.  

All I can do is roll my eyes.

Then we’re finally at the car.  A sleek black Audi sedan.  A friend of his had it parked at the curb, introduces himself as Trace, the best friend.  I shake his hand, barely smile, before I get into the backseat and let the two men load the car.  I yank out my phone, and text my daddy right away.

I want to leave.

No reply.

My mother probably warned him.

I’m not happy with her at all.

My name is Felicity Stevens.  I’m sixteen years old, and in two days I’ll be seventeen.

When I was four years old, my last name was Timberlake, and I wouldn’t realize what that actually meant, until I was much older.

And now, I’m going to spend the whole summer getting to know the man that was always supposed to be my father, even though he never wanted to be.

“You’re gonna love LA,” my father speaks up when the two of them get back into the car.  “It’s a whole new experience for you.”

I don’t respond, just gaze out the window as a couple of tears drip down my face.
******
I kept looking back at her through the rearview mirror the entire time we were in the car.  I just couldn’t get over it, how grown up she was, how much she had changed from the cute little kid in the pictures Shannon would send me years ago.  She’s got her mothers smile, and my eyes and nose.  I pointed that out the day I went to see her in the hospital.  I missed the birth.  We had a show in Germany, but I made sure to get the first flight out the next day.  I still remember the first time I ever held her.  She was asleep, wrapped in the pink baby blanket my mom had bought for Shannon while she was still pregnant.  I remember humming a little as I sat with her in that rocking chair, kissing her little forehead, even though I was scared as fuck.

“I picked Felicity.”

“Yeah,” I said softly, as I continued to gaze down at my baby.  “My mom told me.”

“Do you like it?”

“Whatever you like is fine, Shan.”

I had the compassion of a brick wall, but I was only sixteen.  Sixteen and I was on the brink of my career.  In fact, the very next day, I had to be back on that plane, back in Germany, if I wanted a shot at having it all.

That was such a long time ago.

My life has been a whirlwind since then, and I know I left her behind, so I could live my dream, and build the life I always wanted for myself.  Shannon told me to do it, that she wasn’t going to hold me back.  She said she could raise Felicity on her own, and I was so arrogant and stupid back then that I took her up on the offer, promising to send her a check in the mail every month for child support...and another so she wouldn’t talk to the press.

It took me years to realize that Shannon never had the intention of doing that in the first place.  She took that money and put it away, in a trust for Felicity.  

It was never about her.

Everybody tells me I made a mistake with the right girl.

I guess I should be thankful, and...I am...

But I’ve lived with so much regret inside of me for years.  It’s why I’m doing this.  I should get to know my daughter better before she goes off to college, gets her own life, and we never talk to each other again.

Shannon and I met at a club in Philly, a couple of nights before I was due to embark on a European tour that would keep me away from home for the better part of a year.  We had been in town doing a few interviews for a small radio station, and that night, JC and I decided to live it up a little.  I was only fifteen then, but since they never carded me, anywhere, I was tipsy before eleven, and when she walked into the room with her girlfriends, having gotten in on fake ID’s and their good looks, everything else in my life seemed to melt away.  We danced all night, until last call...

And then we made love until dawn at a hotel across the street.

Two months later, I would receive a phone call from her, telling me she was pregnant and was sure it was mine.  

My life stopped, I was fucking scared, and if it wasn’t for my mom I don’t know where I would be right now.  She stepped in, took control of the situation, and made sure the baby wasn’t going to interfere with my career.  Shannon said from the very beginning she had every intention of keeping the baby, but nobody was mad, or held it against her.  A part of me liked the fact that she wanted to do the right thing...I guess I was just scared that everything I worked for was going to be destroyed.

But it wasn’t.

I went about my life as usual while my mom took care of things for Shannon on my behalf.  They spent the whole nine months together, and Trace’s mom went on tour overseas with us instead.  I guess it’s why they’ve always been close, and why my daughter has always had a relationship with my mother and not with me.

But I can’t deny that I wanted things like that back then.  She was always in the back of my mind though.  Whenever I reached an important milestone, when I would win an award, when my first solo album came out, I would be reminded of her. That piece of me that was sitting back home in Pennsylvania, constantly pushed to the side by me, with the exception of a few phone calls a year.
 
Then I turned thirty.  I had it all, success, money, influence in all aspects of the business.  I didn’t have to work as hard, because I’d done it all when I was younger.  Finally, I had some more time for myself, and so, after a long talk with my mom, and my girlfriend, we decided it was time that I sacrificed myself for my daughter.  So I gave Shannon a call.  She’s been remarried for years, to a good guy.  He adopted my daughter when she was five, but I was fine with that.  I had no time for her, and I figured she needed a father in her life.  She goes by Stevens now.  Its a good name I guess, although I regret it...that she’ll never have my name.

But I made that decision.

“Justin, are you sure?”

Of course, there was doubt in Shannon’s voice when I told her what I wanted to do.  I expected it from her though.  There were so many times in the past, that I said I wanted to take Felicity for a weekend, for spring break, or for the Christmas holiday, and ended up canceling, because I found something better to do.  I wasn’t going to do that this time around, though.  I had no reason to, and my girlfriend said she would leave me if I broke my kids heart one more time.

She’s the only woman I’ve ever told about her.  I guess that’s why we’re getting married.

So weird, me, the guy who said he would never settle down.  Although, now that Trace has a kid and is married too, I figured it was time for me to think about the future, and Jessica.  

“I’m sure,” I told her.  “Really, Shan.”

“She’s going to hate me for taking her summer away, Justin.  I can’t have you back down from this.  She’ll never forgive me.”

“You have my word, okay?”

She sighed.  “Fine.  I’ll call you in a few days to lay down the specifics.”

That was all that was said, and after a few more phone calls between me and her and me and my mom, the plans were set into place.

Now we’re here.  We’re here and all the shit I had planned seems to be going out the damn window.

She won’t come out of her room.  I showed her where it was yesterday, told her I would take her shopping for a summer wardrobe once she got settled in.  She just glared at me, and shut the door in my face, didn’t come out for the rest of the day.  My mom said she just needed a night to get acclimated, but  this morning, after I was showered and dressed, I knocked on her door and told her to come down for breakfast.  I made us bacon and egg sandwiches.

She told me to go to hell.

I’ve been sitting at the kitchen island ever since, trying to make sense of it.  I mean, did I really think this would work? Uprooting the kid from everything she knows for a summer,  so she could try to get to know me better? I’ve been putting myself in her place, and I know...I know I would be reacting the same way.

It gets me to smile, just a little, because we have the same type of personality.

She’s an amazing musician too.  She was reading music and playing advanced level pieces on the piano by the time she was eight years old.  Now she does junior symphony, recitals and things like that.  Shannon has sent me a couple of videos, and I have to admit, she’s pretty damn gifted.

She gets it from me.

Now she wants to go to Juilliard, and I guess...I’m the best person to give her advice and make her audition the best it can be.  

Right now though, we’re so far from being able to do that.  Part of me, the part that always quits, backs down, and cancels on her, is ready to call up Shannon and send her home.

But I just...I can’t.  Because if I do, I’ll never see her again.  Felicity is too old for my crap now.  She’s learned how not to depend on me, for anything, and this is my last shot at making a connection with her.

I have to try, but I don’t have a clue what I’m supposed to do.

My dogs whimper and wag their tails as they try to con the last of the bacon off my plate.  I kept them away from Felicity yesterday, because I didn’t know how she would react to a pair of huge boxer dogs jumping on her.  They know somebody different is in the house though.  Brennan even sat in front of her bedroom door for a half hour this morning, cocking her head from side to side.  She’s the more curious one, the one that likes to meet newcomers and spend time with my friends.  I had to haul her away, but I’m hoping that Felicity will at least like my dogs even if she doesn’t like me.

I hear shuffling, down the stairs, through the house, and finally, she’s there in the kitchen doorway.  Her face is full of tear stains, her eyes red and puffy from crying all morning, and her arms are crossed as she stares back at me.  Buckley just stares and pants at her stupidly, but Brennan tries to go up to her.  I pull back on her collar though, just to be safe.  “Hey.”

She miserably plods over to the island and sits down.

“You hungry now?”

She shakes her head.

“Is this like...your way of trying to get me to send you home or something,” I laugh.  “Starvation?”

She looks up at me.  “Why did you even want me here?”

Her hair falls in thick, messy curls around her shoulders.  The uncontrollable kind, just like mine can be when I don’t put product in my hair.  “I just...I figured it was time that we get to know each other a little more.”

“It’s too late,” she mutters.  “I have my own life now.”

“All I want is a chance, Felicity.  I’m sorry that I haven’t exactly been father of the year but...I’m a lot older now.”

“What about last year? You were older then too.  You didn’t even call on my birthday, or Christmas.”

I sigh.  “I was filming...”

“Stupid excuse, Justin.”

“Let’s maybe try the dad thing, okay?”

She looks at me, and if looks could kill, I’d be laid out on the floor right now.  “I have a dad, and he’s not you.”

“Fair enough.”  I sigh, and get up from the table, gathering the ingredients together to make her some breakfast.  “How many sandwiches do you want?”

“I told you I’m not hungry.”

“Well, you’re going to eat anyway.”

She’s silent, and when I look back at her, she’s glaring at me again.  I just laugh.  I know that look.  It’s the same one I used to give people when I was her age and didn’t want to be bothered.  I can be the same way now, although, I’ve learned to tone my attitude down some.  

I make two more bacon and egg sandwiches, and plant the plate in front of her, along with a glass of OJ.  “Come on, the faster you eat the faster we can go shopping.”

She picks up a sandwich and takes a bite.

It’s a start.

“You think that’s the answer...taking me shopping?”  

“It’s not an answer, I just wanted to do something for you.  Your birthday is tomorrow.  I figured we could do the shopping thing today and maybe tomorrow we could do some site seeing and have dinner.”

“If you want to do something for me, you can send me home.”

“That’s not an option.”  I sit back down at the table.  My dogs have resorted to mooching off of her for some food, and I can already tell Brennan has taken a liking to her.  Her head is resting on her leg, as Felicity consumes her breakfast.  “You like dogs?”

She shrugs.  “They’re fine.  I’ve never had a pet.  There’s no time, and my dad is allergic to animal hair.”

“Well you can make these two yours for the summer if you want,” I smile.

She just shrugs, and scratches Brennan’s head.  “What do you do with them when you’re not here?”

“Well, I have friends that will come by and feed them for me, or sometimes they travel with me.  Like, when I’m in New York...I keep them at my place.”

“You have a place in the city?”

Shit.  I shouldn’t have told her that.  “Well...I just got it for when I’m working.  It’s easier to stay there...”

“You could have invited me,” she mutters.  “I could have just gotten on the Amtrak and...”

“I know that,” I sigh.  “I was just...busy.”

“Yeah.”

She slides her empty plate away from her and gets up from her chair.  “Thanks for breakfast.”

“Felicity, come on...lets just go for a drive.”

“Sorry. I’m busy.”

I scoff and shake my head, but she doesn’t stop, just walks away.  Brennan follows behind her, but she allows it.  A few minutes pass, and then I hear a door slam.  She’s gone back into her room, with my dog.

I’m a failure.

“He never told me though, daddy.  He never told me he was staying in the city!”

“Felicity, you can’t do this to him.  You can’t constantly have him on trial.  He knows his faults, and he’s trying his best to make it up to you.  I know you’re stubborn, baby, but you have to give him a chance.  It’s only fair.  I promised your mother I’d give it a month before anything would change.  I have to stick to that.”

It’s so unlike him not to give into me.  When I was seven, I wanted a dirt bike, because I liked to play with boys, and the ones down the street from us rode them all over the neighborhood.  My mother, naturally, was against it from the start, but after a few weeks of relentless pushing, Gary got his way.  He took me down to the place that sold them, I picked one that was green and blue with a helmet to match.  I got on that bike for the first time the next day, taking in the sweet summer air, determined to race like the other boys.

By the end of the week, I would be in the ER, my arm in a cast, my mother narrowing her eyes at my Daddy, telling him that she told him so.

I never rode that thing again, I dove headfirst into my knack for piano and music instead.  They sold it the following year, to those same boys down the street who wouldn’t play with me anymore.  I remember Justin calling me on my birthday a few weeks after I’d fallen off of it.  He asked me how I was doing, that he heard I had broken my arm. I barely responded.  I was embarrassed as it was, and as far as I was concerned, he couldn’t have cared less.  He was in Europe after all, singing and dancing on some tour that I would never see.

My mother would leave me the new albums on my bed whenever they came out.  My friends and I were too little to droll over NSYNC, in their glory days, but we were eight when Justin released his first solo album.  We were still considered little kids then of course, but we knew more about sex than our parents would have liked.  It was thanks in part to the school system for their education on the subject, but mostly, when we turned on MTV after school, it was all that was talked about, all we saw.

“Justin Timberlake is my favorite,” Grace Ella, my best friend, told me one afternoon as we watched the latest video countdown.  “Don’t you think he’s sexy, Fel?  If I was old enough...I swear, I’d go chasing after him.”

My friends didn’t know.  They couldn’t know.  My mother made me promise never to tell, because she promised him long ago she wouldn’t divulge who my real father was to anybody besides Gary and her parents.  She received his checks because of that promise and it always bothered me.

Daddy said it was better I just listened to her though.

I had to swallow back lunch when Grace asked me that day, hold my head high and say,  “I guess JC is better.”

She scrunched up her nose and shook her head.

That was how life had to be, crazy as it was.  I tried to turn our attention on the Backstreet Boys, but to no avail.  They ‘sucked’ according to my close friends.

Maybe it’s why I’m so warped.  So bitter, so angry at him.  He was an icon, a sexual entity to most girls my age and on up from there.

And he was my father, too.  My real father.  He was never there either.  Ever.  My Nana always played his part, and while I love her, she can’t justify the reason her son never wanted anything to do with me.  When Daddy wanted to adopt me so I could take his name, Justin didn’t step in and tell everyone that he was my father, that he wanted me to have his name, if nothing else.

He just let it go.  Just like he let telling me about living in New York go.

I have no reason to be here.  I just want to go home, not shopping with that asshole all day as he attempts to make up for the seventeen years of my life he voluntarily missed out on.

“Daddy how can you just expect me to do this? Stay here with him?” I whimper and sob, and Brennan, my new found friend, whines and puts her head on my leg.  “I don’t know him.  I don’t like him.”

“You need to try, honey,” Daddy sighs.  “That’s all I can tell you.  You better go, okay? Try to have a nice time, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  I’ll put your mother on then too.  I love you, kid.”

“Yeah.”

“Come on.”

“I love you too, Daddy.  I do.”

“That’s my girl.”

I hear him smile and then his end clicks off in my ear.

I’m really stuck here.  Completely.  

I glance around the room, at the white walls, plain furniture, plain bedding, all accented with subtle touches of...what? Of chic California living, guest bedroom style, because he certainly didn’t plan this room out just for me, even though he tried to act like he did.  A decorator did this a long time ago, put the furniture here, the bed linens too.  Fuck, he probably doesn’t even pick out his own wardrobe.  Somebody probably does that too.  Does the grocery shopping, cleans the house.  I haven’t seen hired help yet, but I’m sure they come a few times a week.  The house is too fuckin’ clean for him to be doing it all himself.

The place is massive.  I’ve been so pissed off I haven’t bothered to look around yet.  Maybe I should.  Maybe I should just...use him, for what he’s worth.  Use him for those material possessions I could never have with anybody else.  Thousand dollar purses, hundred dollar jeans and tops.  A fancy car that my daddy always wanted to give me but never could.

I smirk.

Maybe I could have some fun emptying Justin’s pockets this summer.  It’s about all he’s good for, anyway.

I roll off the comfortable bed, and Brennan springs to her feet, panting, awaiting what’s coming next.  She’s a gorgeous mahogany brown Boxer with a white belly and soft brown eyes, obviously bred by somebody expensive.  She’s a good thing though.  I scratch her head and smile.  It’s nice having a dog, a pet...because I’ve never had one.  Not even a fish.  My mom always told me it was too much work, and anything with fur was out anyway because of Daddy’s allergies.  He’s always felt bad about that too.

He’d like to give me the world, but I’ve been content with what he’s been able to do for me...be my father, be by my side when I felt so lonely, so frustrated and full of teenage angst regarding my mother and her rules.  He co-owns a small sports bar-slash-restaurant with his best friend, and we live a nice little life out in the suburbs of Philly, but that life is nothing compared to the one Justin lives.  In the lap of fucking luxury.  I know he must pump a crazy amount of money into the checks he sends my mother too, but it’s locked up tight in a trust for me.  I’ll be able to use some for school, but the rest of it, so I’m told, I won’t be touching until I’m thirty and ‘responsible’, as my mother says.

She just doesn’t want me driving a fancier car than hers.  I’m convinced, even though Daddy says I’m crazy.

It takes me a minute to fix my hair, pull on some fresh clothes, and open the bedroom door.  I creep out of the room silently, hear the pad pad pad of Brennans paws on the rug, and the click clicking of her nails when we step onto the hardwood flooring.  As I draw closer to the stairs I can hear the familiar sounds of a TV blaring, laughter and conversation down below.  Obviously, there’s company downstairs, Justin’s friends.  I cringe, loathing the idea of being in the presence of more selfish, greedy, fake people like him, but I think I’ll start to go stir crazy if I coop myself up in my designated guest bedroom any longer.

I take the risk, walk down the stairs, and Brennan surges ahead of me, leaping and bounding over to her better half, Buckley, as I reach the ground floor.  They race off to some other part of the house together, and I’m left alone, glancing into the next room, the living room, where they’re all sitting, gathered together, watching TV and drinking beers.  I draw closer, stand in the entranceway, surveying the scene.  There must be a dozen people littering the oversized leather sofa, love seats, and recliners.  The decor is the same as upstairs, simple, with a chic flare to it.  I spot Justin on a love seat next to the giant Plasma TV on the wall, cuddled up with some petite brunette that just can’t seem to stop smiling.

The girlfriend.

God, and I thought things couldn’t get any worse.

“Fel?”

He’s noticed me, seems to be the only one who has, but as soon as he says my name, everybody else in the room glances over at me, their eyes full of questions, but seeming to know who I am at the same time.  I see that guy that was at the airport...Trace, on the sofa next to some girl who looks oddly similar to Justin’s own girlfriend.  She’s very pretty, petite with chestnut hair and a perfect smile.  She’s holding an adorable little baby on her lap. A girl, wearing a pink ruffled dress with a matching headband.  The baby is giggling and cooing as she looks all around the room.  Her mother kisses and smiles at her, and Trace does the same thing.

She’ll always have her real parents by her side.  There’s no secrets with them.  Trace isn’t ashamed to raise his daughter like Justin was ashamed to raise me.  She’s lucky, and hell, this girl has probably already seen more of Justin than I ever have.

“Hi.”

His girlfriend smiles at me, uneasily, and shifts over slightly as Justin rises up from the sofa.  “You um...we’re watching the game, Felicity.  You want to join us?”

I stare at him, and everybody stares back at me, like I’m some oddity that they’ll never understand.  “No I’m okay.”

I turn and walk away, down a hall, back into the kitchen, and through the patio door.  The pool is there, surrounded by a beautifully stained wood deck, adorned with a few tables and a bunch of lounge chairs, a grill and granite topped bar.  I go stand at the railing, look out into a majestic view of the Hollywood hills, completely unsure how somebody like him can be my father.  Maybe it’s a lie.  It has to be a lie.  I’m not like him.  

I’m not.

“Felicity?”

It’s a woman's voice, and I know who it is even before she arrives at my side.  Justin’s girlfriend, and when I glance at her, I realize that I recognize her from TV.  Seventh Heaven, Grace Ella’s favorite show years back.  Jessica Biel, that’s who she is.  A nobody of Hollywood that somehow dazzled her way into Justin’s world.

I never liked her.  Her character was annoying, and I always associated her facial features with those of a horse.  I’d like to say I don’t know what Justin sees in her, but I do.  I’m sure their personalities match dead on.  They’re both fake and fucking annoying as hell.  “What?”

“Look I...I just wanted to introduce myself.”

“I know who you are.”

She’s silent for a few moments, looking off into the distance like she’s trying to find the right words.  Like this is some damn after school special.  “I know it’s awkward, but Justin and I...we’ve both been looking forward to having you here for the summer.  I’m hoping you can give us a chance, and that you and I can be friends.”

I snort.  “You can drop the whole stepmother act.  I’m not a kid, and I have a family back home.  There’s no reason for you to get on my good side.”

“Maybe not, but I think you should start being a little nicer to your father.  He’s trying his best.”

“He’s not my father, and he’s only trying because he has nothing better to do right now.  He’s just some guy who knocked my mom up when she was a teenager.  That’s all he’ll ever be.”

She turns, stares at me for a good long time with a twinkle in her eye and a smirk that tells me she’s not putting up with it.  That she loves Justin, and this...me being here, she’s only putting up with it for him.  If she has to, she’ll send me away so her poor little snook snook won’t have to have his feelings hurt.  

But that’s fine.  I’ll take the plane ticket right now.

The diamond on her finger catches my eye.  It’s simple but chic, just like this house, just like him.  They’ll be married soon.  Maybe she’ll pop out a kid that he won’t make time for, then she’ll see things my way, I’m sure.

Until then, I’ll walk away from her, because I’m not interested in being her friend.

Back in the house again, Justin is in the kitchen.  It was his intent to eavesdrop on my conversation with his girlfriend.  It’s sickening.  He knows I don’t want to talk to him so he sends her out there?  I’m just so...done.  This wasn’t my choice, coming here, and it’s not fair.

It’s not fucking fair at all.

“Guess you don’t like her either,” Justin speaks up.  “You know, she just wants to get to  know you...so do I.”

I was walking past him, pretending he wasn’t even there, but now I stop, groan, and turn back to him.  “Why should I get to know her, or you?  I don’t owe you anything.”

He shrugs, and drinks his beer.  “You know,everyone told me what a great kid you are.  My mom can’t say enough good things about you.  I’ve seen so many recitals, and productions that you’ve been in, I can’t even remember them all.  Now you’re here, and it’s like...I don’t know.  You wont’ give me a damn chance here.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You were supposed to be there,” I whisper.  “For me.”

He slowly puts his bottle down on the white granite topped counter and drops his arms at his sides.  “I was there for you in other ways.”

“Money,” I scoff.  “My mom could be paid off but I can’t.”

“I can’t change the past,” he mutters. “I’m not a miracle worker, Felicity.  I was a young, stupid kid, and I’ve paid for my mistakes as much as I could.  I wasn’t ready for a baby, a commitment, and I’m sorry...but you’ve had a good life.  I know you have.”

“You’re right.  I do have a good life, one that you don’t fit into.  I already told you that it’s too late.  What the hell don’t you understand about that?  You all think I’m going to just...miraculously bond with you because our DNA matches.  Well I’m not! I’ll put up with being here but that’s as far as it goes.”

“Maybe I should just put you on a flight tomorrow morning then.”

I try so hard not to smile.  “Maybe you should.  It’s what you do best right? Brush me under the rug like I’m your dirty little secret?”

He stares at me for a brief moment, licks his lips, nods, and then walks away.

I snort, pleased with myself, but my gaze lingers on the doorway he just walked through and I can’t seem to tear it away.

A tiny piece of me, a piece of me so tiny that it’s barely significant, dies a little bit, knowing I’ve pushed him into giving up on me again.

I don’t get it, either.

“Don’t do it.”

I stare at the computer screen while she rubs my shoulders, forcing myself not to get emotional.  I never get emotional about Fel.  It’s not something that I’ve ever allowed myself to do.  It’s just how life is.  We’ll never be close.  It’s something I should have realized from the beginning and I never should have let my mother talk me into this.

“I have to.”  I suck in a breath, and continue to book the flight.

I called Shannon an hour ago.  Told her how things were going.  She told me if I wanted to send our daughter back to Philly, she wouldn’t blame me.

“Felicity is a stubborn brat,” she laughed.  “Justin, I...I really wanted this to work out but it sounds like she’s just going to stick to her guns until she gets her way.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry about everything.”

“It’s not your fault.  What’s a good time for you to pick her up tomorrow?”

“The afternoon would be great.”

“I’ll call you in the morning then.”

We hung up.  It was always like that with us.  I was thankful our thing was never bitter.  We could always be casual friends, and I liked it that way.  

“If you do this, she’ll only have one more excuse to tell people about why she doesn’t want to have a relationship with you,” Jessica tells me.  “You’re taking the easy way out.  She’s used to this from you.  You’re just letting her win, letting her think she’s right about you.  She’s not.  I know she’s not and so does everybody else.  You have to try, J.  After this, you won’t get another chance.”

I continue to type my daughters information into the United Airlines website, trying to tune her out, but that’s difficult.  She’s one of the only women I’ve ever known that’s been able to tell me when I’m right and when I’m wrong, that I actually listen to.  “Maybe I don’t want another chance.  Maybe I don’t care.”

“You care.” She sinks down into the chair beside me, and forces me to look at her.  Those brown eyes of hers captivate me every time, and I find that I can’t go back to looking at the computer as she smiles at me.  “I know you care, Justin.  I know you want to love your daughter.”

I shrug.  “It’s like I don’t even have a daughter.”

“She’s defensive.  Can you blame her?”

“It’s just easier if we don’t push this thing, don’t you think? Life is so...easy right now.  There’s us and Sophie, our friends.  My work isn’t putting pressure on me every single day anymore.  I can live, we can live, for the first time in...God, I don’t know...”

“For the first time, ever,” she smiles.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Her birthday is tomorrow.  Maybe just see what happens then.”

“I gotta get her on that plane.  I do.  It’s not going to work out.”

“Why don’t you give it one more try.  Go up and talk to her.  Tell her how you really feel.”

“I can’t do that,” I chuckle.  “You know how I am about that shit.”

“Well that’s your problem.  God knows, we almost ended things because of it.”

She’s right.  I told her that it had been fun, but it was over.  Every five years, I did the same shit to every woman I’d ever been with, with the exception of Britney.  It was a commitment thing.  If I ended the relationship myself, I didn’t have to worry about getting hurt again.  But Jessica wasn’t going to go down without a fight, even when I pushed her away, made the stupidest attempts to avoid her and shut her out of my life.  It wasn’t going to work on her.  She loved me, for me.  More than most women ever had.

I couldn’t help myself.  I gave in, I succumbed to the feelings that had always been there and I told her...I told her how much I loved her.

And I realized that I needed to marry her.  I needed to slow my life down and be happy, for once.  Six months later, I was convinced I needed to get my daughter back in my life too, somehow.

Jessica was a lot easier to handle.

“I really want you to go try one more time.” She kisses me softly and tugs on my arm.  “Please baby.”

I nod a little, get up from the chair.  “Fine.  Fine I’ll try.”

She smiles.  “Good. I’m going to walk Tina.  Call me later, I want to know how it went.”

“If she doesn’t murder me, sure,” I laugh.

She swats my arm and glares at me playfully.  “I’ll talk to you later.”

She leaves, and I’m left alone in my office, staring at the computer screen, half filled out with my daughters information.  It feels foreign, typing it all, because it is.  I have a folder in my desk with all of her personal information, for emergencies.  My mom thinks it’s a good idea that I have it, just in case.  In case of what? The girl has two of the best parents I’ve ever met.  That guy Gary, he’s more of a man than I’ll ever be when it comes to my daughter.  I take after my dad, it’s easier to just walk away from things that seem too overwhelming, like a young wife and baby seemed to me years ago when I had my whole life in front of me.  It’s not like that with him.  He knew what he was taking on when he met Shannon, but it didn’t scare him away.  He raised my daughter, loved her like she was his own, made her part of who she is today, and I’m thankful for that.

Thankful, but I guess a little bitter too.  Bitter against myself, because I had the means to do what he did, raise her myself, make her feel important in my life, invite her on tour instead of inviting my brothers when they were little.  Spending the time with her that I said I would, instead of canceling out for some stupid excursion with my friends.  I never understood, never realized why those years when she was little were so important, like my mom constantly tried to convince me.  I figured she was little, taken care of, and didn’t need me butting into her life.

But now, seventeen years later, I’m standing here in my big ass house after a party with most of those same friends I used to ditch her for, and I realize what I could have done.

What I should have done.

And it’s no wonder Felicity hates me.

I see Trace with his new baby girl all the time.  He’s a great father, loves her more than anything in the world, and I know he’d never abandon her like I did when my daughter was a baby.  Jess and I spend most weekends with Trace, his fiancé Sam, and baby Sophia now that things in my life, career wise, have calmed down.  I have a God daughter, and man, I love the crap out of that little baby.  I hold her in my arms, and smile when she squeals and giggles, smile when she looks all around, her eyes wide as she takes in the big world in front of her.  It makes me so happy to spend that time with her, but so sad because I know...it’s what I missed with Fel, and I’ll never get that back. I guess in a way I’m trying to make that up through Sophie...but she’s not my baby.  At the end of the day Trace and Sam get to take her home and find out what it really means to cherish time with their baby girl.

I don’t know if a relationship like that would have worked out between Shannon and I of course, but if nothing else, I’d have a relationship with my daughter if I decided to have a hand in raising her.  I chose my career instead, and five years later, I let some other guy adopt her...let him give her his name instead of mine, and I didn’t really care.  

I was such a selfish, stupid bastard.  I’m not the type that has regrets, either.  I’m usually pretty happy, surrounded by my friends and family.  Up until this year, I hadn’t thought twice about it.  I guess when my best friend told me he was going to be a father it all hit me at once.  This feeling came over me.  I had a daughter too.  A daughter few people knew about.  One I swept under the rug and virtually didn’t know at all.  When I called my mom to tell her how I felt, she seemed relieved.  She told me that she was waiting for me to come around, knew I would at some point, but that it was going to be hard forming that relationship I wanted with a moody teenager who had long ago convinced herself that I didn’t love her.

“She’s just like you were, you know,” my mom had laughed over the phone.  “Stubborn and ready to do everything herself.”

I guess I knew how hard it would be, ripping my kid away from her friends for a summer.  I guess I should have known that she wouldn’t be happy here, but I didn’t really think she would be this harsh with me.  I thought a little trip to Rodeo would get her talking, that we would start to get to know each other.

She’s not like that though.  She’s like me.  She’s been hurt and wants me to know it.  I shouldn’t be surprised.  I treated my father the same way once he started coming around again, only then, I had somebody else in my life that I was calling dad.

I guess history really has a fucked up way of repeating itself, because I swore I’d never do what my real father did to mom and I in the beginning.

But I did.

I tap my fingers on the desk, and debate for a few more minutes before I decide to take my fiancee's advice and try one more time, to get on my daughters good side, before shipping her back to Philadelphia and out of my life forever.  I ascend the staircase, passing my dogs on the way to them.  They’re both laid out on the floor on their backs, passed out cold, and I’m thankful we won’t be distracted by them at the moment.  I reach the top, and walk down the hall, pausing in front of the bedroom door that I designated to be hers, like it was something special.  It wasn’t.  I did nothing to prepare for her arrival, didn’t see a need to.  Now I realize if I’d made an effort, changed the bedding, made it look like a teenage girls room, maybe she would have respected me more.  

I shake the feeling off, and tap on the door.  “Fel?”  There’s no answer, naturally, so I open the door a crack and peer inside.  She’s laying on the bed, on top of the bedding, a book draped over her chest, obviously having passed out while reading.  I gently make my way inside, and sit down on the edge of the mattress, removing the book slowly so I won’t disturb her.  I read the cover and smile slightly  A Guide to Musical Theory-Advanced Edition.

It’s something in my life that’s always connected me to home, to family...Music.  It’s something she’s inherited from me, her love for it, her talent for it.  I’ve watched her recitals over and over again, seeing myself in her, seeing her passion for the music, her drive.  She could be like me, probably even more acclaimed, and I know it’s one of the reasons why my mom and Shannon wanted her to come out here.  They want me to inspire her, show her how to add some creative flare to her Juilliard audition, and I was excited about it, up until I met her at the airport.

She sighs heavily in her sleep and turns over, her fluffy blond curls falling into her face.  Smiling, I reach out and gently brush them away, revealing the face that has some features from me, but the beautiful femininity of her mother.  I let my hand connect with the soft warm flesh on her face, realizing it’s the first time I’ve ever done something like this with her.  It doesn’t feel weird, awkward, or bad though.  It feels...nice.

Then her eyes open suddenly, and I see that piercing blue from my mothers side staring me in the face.  She gasps and sits up, clutching a pillow to her chest. “What...what are you doing?”

I laugh lightly and put the book down on the bed.  “Came to check in on you.”

“Why?”

“I thought we could have a talk before I buy you a one way ticket home.”

She doesn’t say anything, just stares at me.  I expect it though.  If I were her, I’d be questioning everything too.  

“You want to talk now?”

“Yeah.  I do.”

She clutches the pillow closer to her chest, and gives me a defiant stare.  “Okay.  You have five minutes.”

I laugh at her again.  “That’s all?”

“Your time is running out.”

“Do you really want to leave?  You just got here.”

“It’s my summer,” she shrugs.  “Why am I being forced to spend it with you? You were never forced to spend time with me.”

“True.” I nod in agreement.  “I get why you’re pissed.”r32;
“Well you should.”

“I guess I just feel like...I deserve one chance at this thing, you know? A chance from you.”

“Why didn’t you try before?”

“I guess I just didn’t see things like I should have.”

“It’s not an excuse.”

“I know that.”  I look her in the eyes, and for the first time I see some give in her.  Just a little bit, but at least she’s listening to me.  “I know it’s not and I know I’m a complete idiot for just...letting you go.  It took a lot to wake me up, make me realize that you were always a hell of a lot more important that I made you out to be, and I’m sorry.”

She looks down at the pillow and seems to consider what I’ve said for a few moments.  “I still don’t trust you.”

“I don’t expect you to, I just...would like us to spend a couple of days together.  After that, if you really don’t want to be here, I’ll get you that ticket home like you want.  I’m just looking for a day or two.”

“Two days, then I can leave?”

I smirk, and sigh.  “Yeah, if that’s what you really want.”

She flops back against the other pillows.  “Fine, Justin.”

“It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Well I’ll make it special then.  We’ll get up early and make a day out of it, all right?”

“I want a car.”

I scoff.  “Oh really? Anything else on your list?”

“Probably.  But I really want a car.”

I know she has a car.  Shannon told me that Gary bought her a nice used Honda sedan for her birthday last year.  I know what she means though.  She wants me to buy her some flashy sports car that will cost me about eighty grand or so.  I could do it, no problem, of course, but a part of me knows that it will just be buying her happiness.  Buying my way closer to her.  I’ve already done enough of that, sending those checks to Shannon for all these years.  “Well, I know you already have a car.”

She slowly sits up and stares at me.  “But that car is used.”

I shrug.  “Still, what more do you need?  You’ll be in college next year anyway.  You wont need a car then.”

“You have the money,” she mutters.  “That’s what I want.”

“Well that’s not how life works.” I laugh and get up from the bed.  “It’s your birthday and I’ll take you to the mall, but I’m not buying you a Porsche, Fel.”

“Forget it.”  She turns away from me.  “I don’t want anything.”

“You know, for a kid who grew up away from all this, you sound like a spoiled little brat.”

“What good are you if you aren’t going to give me what I’m asking for?  You owe me at least that much.”

“The only thing I really owe you is a relationship with me.  I’m working on it, but you need to do your part too.”

“Some prize,” she mutters.  “At least you’re doing this by choice.  I’m being forced to cooperate.  You know…I’m giving up a summer with my friends and a trip with my boyfriend to sit here with you.”

“I promise, in two days I’ll get you a ticket if you still want to go home to them.”  I smirk.  “Your mom didn’t tell me about a boyfriend.”

“That’s because it’s none of your business.”

“You haven’t done anything stupid with him have you?”

She narrows her eyes at me and sits up.  “Are you kidding me?”

“No,” I say seriously.  “I know how a teenage boy thinks.”

“This is awkward.”  She slides off the bed and stands across from me, her arms crossed sternly over her chest.  “You aren’t supposed to ask me these questions.  Gary does that already, too much.”

“Well that’s a sign of a good parent.”

“At least someone decided to be.”

I sigh.  “Just be careful, you know…has anyone talked to you about what happens when a guy and a girl…”

“JUSTIN! Gross!”

I smirk.  “Just checking.  C’mon you wanna go to dinner?”

“No.”

“Oh…well…okay then.”  I stretch out across her bed and fold my hands behind my head.  “What else should we talk about?  How about weed? Drugs? Alcohol? Do you go to parties without adult supervision? I think I should have your mom make a list of all your friends, so I can call and get to know their folks.  It’ll give me better insight to what goes on back home.”

“I’ll go to dinner! Okay? I’ll go!”

Well, that wasn’t so bad.

Maybe this parenting thing won’t be so hard after all.