Walking I noticed the streets the hustle of everyone around me; it was cold so it wasn't surprising that everyone was hurrying. More to get from the cold than anything else. It was always at this time of year, when things got colder, darker earlier than usual that it seemed the loneliest time of the year. Winter had a way of making everything seem glum. Depressing and lonely.

I on the other hand should have been on top of the world. I had everything id ever wanted. Career going strong, friends and relatives that loved and supported me. Everything that anyone should need right.

Yes, that's what I thought too. But as great as it sounded it was still wrong. There I was living in a city of strangers, in an apartment that I overpaying for with a room mate that was your basic unpaid prostitute. I knew I could afford a place alone. But the thought of no company at all wasn't the most alluring of ideas.

London, it was a city of so much. History, culture, hell even royalty all that and millions of people who pass each other on the streets and not even acknowledge their presence needless to say I wasn't loving it. But I had made a choice and when I did that I stuck to them. Three years ago I made the choice to leave my small town to the big city, London was, for a girl from a small town the biggest and best place in the country. A place of possibility.

Journalism was my love, my passion and it was something I knew I had a talented for.

Unfortunately for me, here the only journalism that pays is the scandalous tabloid version, if you could even call that journalism.

I had become over the last few years the most feared of them all. And not because I was insensitive or fraudulent like all the others but because I had a talent of always being accurate, I had the power and the one thing I knew celebrities hated- and that was losing power.

It wasn't something I enjoyed. Well I know that it's hard to believe since we are a society that feeds on gossip and I liked a good scandal like everyone else. But I still held the belief that they were people too, and in turned deserved the basic right to privacy.

Unfortunately my boss didn't.

******

This city was one that rivalled New York in the "it never sleeps" category. I had been there several months and I still had to confess - it was hard to get used to. Sure it had everything and more but it lacked the things I needed. I needed people I trusted, that I loved around me. Making movies, it was one of the many dreams that I had, and pursued, I loved it. But like I said, like everything at that time it was difficult to get used to. Things here now were different and yet the same. The same hysteria happened when I went out. The fans still showed up were ever I was supposed to be, but living in the city full time made actually "Living" really complicated. The one thing that made it difficult. The British press. They seemed to have it in for me from the moment I arrived. Constant rumours, with me and models, pop singers, my co-stars. It was ridiculous. Since I can tell you I hadn't seen anyone in a romantic or sexual capacity in quite a while, and that was the truth.

But as they say no publicity is bad publicity so I grinned and bared it. It didn't make that much of a deal to me since I never read the damn things…but I knew others did so I was in a bitter state as to what other people saw in me now. A view unreal, distorted and twisted and all because of the way I was written - all to sell.

It sickened me.

******

Party after party, I wasn't I allowed to enjoy of the monumental fear of losing that "scope, exclusive" to a rival paper or magazine.

It was unthinkable. It was pathetic. Hence the reason I had from the past three months been submitting my CV to every credible newspaper in the country. But as my luck would have it with reputation that I had with my work now, it was more a hindrance when it came to credibility. Catch 22, Id say absolutely.

Coffee, was one of my indolence's, others treated themselves with wine, champers…I was a chocolate-hazelnut latté kinda girl. It was enough for me.

So there I was coming out of the store late on that Saturday night the city was buzzing as usual. Crowded, and yes very cold. When I bumped literally into something, or in this case some one. Very hard might I add knocking my blistering hot coffee all over my new Marc Jacobs dress?
"OH for the love of Jesus, watch where you're going!" I yelled at whoever the hell it was hiding underneath a cosy looking diesel hat.

"I…im sorry ok I didn't see you."

"How could you not have seen me? Doorway…tiny doorway, person in the doorway HELLO!"
Ok so I was over acting, but the *+@# burned in to me, and not to mention the fact that the dress was very expensive.

I knew the accent, southern. American, and scared. Then of course he looked at me, and the face was instantly recognisable.

"Oh, you're…" I realised.

"I am" he pull his baseball cap further down on his head "and I am really sorry about your coffee…and the" he eyed my dress "that too…could I make it up to you?"
"Why you've got 600 quid to pay for this thing?" I wiped and wiped but to no good.

"Um…not on me, but uh" he chuckled nervously "how bout I replace the coffee I messed…please?"

It was late, I was exhausted…

"Well I suppose it's the least you could do…" I rhymed off my flavour and he handed me a large version of the small that he had spilled.

"Sorry again, it's just…well I was avoiding someone and I rushed…" he grinned bashfully.

"Let me guess, the press?"

"Yeah…that obvious huh?"

"No, its just I saw them parked across the street….camera lenses the length of the entire car…that kinda gave it away…"

He turned to look, "No don't look…" I said

"Why???" I think he knew why, im just not sure he knew I knew why.

"They haven't got a clear shot of you here…it would be better if you moved to the far corner" I pointed to a far empty corner of the coffee shop.

"Thank you…I didn't even notice…I just saw the one car, I had no idea there was another."

"Oh, it's not a problem….well I should go." I motioned to the door "it was nice, uhh banging into you..." I couldn't help but laugh, at myself more than anything.

**********

She seemed nice, and she watched my back which was huge plus. So I asked,

"So, um im alone here and as it seems still being followed….would you maybe wanna join me for a few minutes?"

Ok I was weird and at that point I was sure I was scaring her.

"It's ok if you don't…" I added picking imaginary link of my jacket.

"Um, no I don't mind…" she said finally walking over to the seat facing the window.

It made me smile, it was unusual for someone not in the "Biz" to know the protocols of what to do when out and about…the measures that had to be taken in order to just have a cup of coffee.

"So you know who I am, who are you?"

"No…I don't know who you are actually I know your name…the rest. Well what am I to know whats true and whats not??" she answered coyly

"Ok…that's true enough, whats your name then?"

She looked away all coy again before answering me "Anita James"

"Well Anita im Justin, nice to meet you…"

******************************************************************************

"No, im sorry but no…"

"What IM sorry but you are completely wrong…."

"Sorry missy but am not, he is the best footballer there is, there is NO comparison."
"Sure he's fit and can kick im not disputing that but David Beckham, best player EVER? Nah…what about Besty?"

"Before our time…"

She sat her coffee down and smirked at him,

"Ah so what you mean is Beck's is the best player of OUR time, not of ALL time…"

"Um, yeah what are you an English teacher or something, you always this up and up on grammar?"

She rolled her eyes, "no im not but I did love English at school…what was your favourite?"

"Math…science….all the geeky stuff…"

she laughed out loud.

"What?"

"Nothing, its just I never took you for a geek…"

"Im not, I just liked….never mind"

"No, im interested, come on tell me…im sorry I won't laugh again" she visible tried to stop laughing…even bit her lips to stop a smile forming and turning into a giggle.

"When I was like 10 I wanted to be a pharmacist."

He smiled, and then blushed when she giggled.

"Really??? Like giving out meds and things like that? Well can I just say on behave the women of the world…we're glad you didn't follow that particular dream….the one you do now is a much more fitting job…it would be a shame to waste such a pretty face."

"I see….well sometimes I wonder you know….its like this life offers me SO much that I never even dreamed off…."

"But?"

"But it's just hard, recently…" he looked like he wanted to go on but he looked around and snapped out of the mode he had been in.

"Um you know im sorry I know I must be boring you…."

It was clear he realised that she was a complete stranger, she sensed the awareness.

"I get it, I mean come on you don't know me….its fine." There was an awkward moment, one that neither of them anticipated.

"So, Justin this has been really nice but I really should be going. By the time I get a taxi it'll be really late…or really early depending on what way you look at it….and I have to work tomorrow." She grabbed her coat from the seat behind her and stood up.

"Well, Anita it was real nice meeting you…"

"Yes you too Justin….take care okay?" she seemed to genuinely mean that.

As she made her way to grab her bags, and her scarf he stood up too. "Um listen, I have a car waiting for me from the hotel…if you want I could give you a ride back to your apartment if you'd like…."

He noticed as she looked hesitant, "im weird aren't I? Im sorry….you'd rather take a cab wouldn't you?"

"No, actually it would be nice…not having to wait in the freezing cold…I live about a half a mile from here…"

"Well…cool just let me make a call and we can bounce"
"Bounce?" she asked in her distinguished British accent.

"Um…I mean, that means - go, we can go…sorry, language confusion…" he laughed.

"Definitely…American English is completely different…its funny how you all make up words…."

"We do NOT…"

"Um yes you do…for instance what is up with "ya'll" or putting the word "like" in front of ever other word…it makes NO sense."

"It like so totally does y'all…" he smiled wide mocking her as she rolled her eyes at him.

"See…it's insane. You know that old saying when in Rome…well when in England - do as the English do and TRY and speak it…."

"Ill try your highness. Ill try."

And with that she led the way outside, where he made a short phone call "yeah so we're two streets away from the club you dropped me off at, yeah, yeah that's it…oh and we're gonna have to make a stop too before I get back to the hotel. That's cool right?" she watched on as he talked on the phone, everything from the way he held the tiny device in his hands, to the way he just kept up with her fast paced walking all the while holding a conversation…pretty normal things right? But at that moment something in her saw something very different in him, she didn't know what it was… but it was there.

"David, the driver…." He turned to her, "well he'll meet us…he said there a park across the road…do you know where he may have meant?" he looked around the snow covered city in confusion.

"Yes I know it, its just down here…follow me. there's no cars allowed up this way see…that's probably why he asked you to meet him here…"

As they approached the small kids park that was duly decorated with the usual - swings, slides, jungle gym…they sat on the already frozen over swings.

"So you've been in London a while now? I remember there being a big fuss in the papers when you said you'd be working over here…"

"Uh, yeah that was….expected…"

"Wow, cocky much? I see you've brought that American ego along for the ride..." he blushed as she called him on the remark.

"No, I didn't mean it like that…it's just here…I mean I love it an all I do…but the fans, and especially the media, they tend to blow everything I do or say completely out of proportion…."

"Rough break huh? I mean the tabloids here…they can be brutal when they want to be."

"Yeah…" his eyebrows rose when he spoke this time; she knew that he meant it in a "more than you know" kinda way. " I mean its ok most of the time, and I know my manager an all would say that "No publicity is bad…all it good you know, but its like when its gets to the point when I cant even dance with a girl - but we're sleeping together, or she's my new "flame" or whatever…it's a little tiring is all."

She just nodded, almost afraid to say anything else.

"Im sorry I do tend to talk a lot more than I should…it's a curse really." He spoke up after a few seconds silence.

"It's okay…"

With that the blacked out Mercedes pulled up and the white man in a weird cap - his uniform apparently spoke up.

"Mr Timberlake? Are you ready?"

He nodded to her and they both go into the luxurious car.

"Where do you live Anita?"

"Oh im sorry" she realised she'd been staring. "Notting hill, it's just…" the man in the driver seat cut her off

"I know where it is darlin' we'll have you home in no time." She smiled then, even in a Mercedes he behaved like your basic cabby. Everyone was darlin' or sweetheart…I guess it was to try and make women feel comfortable with the fact that they were getting into a car with a strange man.

It seemed to work most of the time. As she rhymed off her street and house number he nodded and she sat back into her seat.

"Anita, I just realised I never asked you earlier…in our two hour talk…what do you do?"

Oh now that was awkward, did she tell him and risk him hating her for now coming up front in the first place? Or did she lie and hopefully earn a chance to stay in touch with this person that she was now completely fascinated by?

Umm well what do you think?

"Ooh, Im…well im…In over seeing a department, sales, mostly…but I deal a lot with people so I like that aspect of it." Vague, very…

"What kind of sales?"

"Mostly literature…"

"Oh, books…that's sounds kinda cool….is it fiction or facts?"

"Oooh you know it can depend on the person, the story they want…whats popular whats not, you know that kind of thing."

"Sounds nice."

"Its not, sometimes it can get rough you know…competitors, deals falling through, its demanding keeps me busy."

"But you like it?" he seemed really genuinely interested in her story; she'd never had someone look at her that before. It made her warm all over.

"It's almost like what you said, its great but tiring…I have my mixed days" he nodded then.

The she heard the smallest smirk, "what?"

"Nothin'"

"No, it's not nothing Justin, what are you laughing at?"

"It's just…I love your accent, it's so…posh it's funny."

"Excuse me; I do NOT have a posh accent."

"I hate to break it to you sweetheart but yes you REA-LLY" he mocked her accent - badly "really do."

"I don't, just because I don't have a cockney London accent doesn't mean im POSH." He rolled his eyes playfully "uh yeah whatever you say your ladyship. Whatever you say…."

With that the car came to a stop, "well this is me." she pointed to what seemed to be a red bricked two storey with a black door.

"Right." He got out of the car with her.

"Um, not to be rude or anything but what are you doing?"

"Im not being rude…" he walked ahead of her a little.

"Uh look I don't know what gave you the impression that, well…that I was willing to…they we would…." She stepped up beside him "I not like those other girls you know Im not going to sleep with you if that's what your thinking…" she seemed flustered as she spoke, almost embarrassed.

"Anita, that's NOT what I was doin, I was simply walking you to your door, id made it this far with you I wanted to see that you got in safe, that's all…so you can chill…I didn't think anything…. I know you're not like those other women, who ever they are…" she crossed her arms at his statement.

"Oh well…OH…" her cheeks flushed. "Im sorry I jumped to….im sorry."

"It's alright…"

"No, no its not I let my mouth just take over sometimes and I didn't mean too…wait, what makes you think I wouldn't be like the others…"

"What?"

"I mean what is it? Is it my personality or is it that I don't look slutty enough…."

"What are you talking about?"

"What makes you think I wouldn't sleep with you???"

"you mean other than the fact that you just flat out TOLD me you wouldn't, humm lets see, woman are you crazy?"

"No, I just…well I mean it's a little premature of you to just say oh she won't sleep with me, off I go."

Ok at this point he was CONVINCED she WAS insane.

"Uuhk…"

"Oh god, there I go again…Jesus, im so sorry. Look im going to go in now before I make an even bigger fool of myself. Again, it was really nice meeting you…"

"Nice meeting you too…even if it was a little confusing…" he smiled that trademark smile. "Maybe we could do this again sometime? In a less freezing surrounding?"

"Oh, um well"

"That's only if your boyfriend doesn't mind…." He added, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"Boyfriend? Oh No, I don't have a boyfriend…"

"Husband then?" he asked again, she just shook her head "No" as if it was non sense.

"Girlfriend?" he blurted out disappointedly

"No, I don't have any of those and for the record im not a lesbian…"

"Good to know….good night Anita."

"Good morning Justin, its 4am."

"*+@#, so it is…." She smiled as she turned her key and walked inside, his smiled matched her as he made his way back to his car.

He'd had a good night, one of the best since he'd arrived in jolly old England. Well this England just got a whole lot more jolly.

Now all he had to do was figure out a way to see her again, he definitely wasn't going to let her slip through the cracks of his crazy job; no not her…she was too amazing for that.

She was definitely a potential….definitely.

Then again there was a second feeling, the one that was at that point more powerful than the first.

Dread, sheer and utter dread, knots in my stomach, pains in my head just thinking about what it meant.

See the one thing, I didn't mention was that I was one of the two biggest tabloid writers in the United Kingdom, and that I currently worked for the biggest selling newspaper in said kingdom.

When I got dressed I was greeted in the kitchen by my roommate Rachel.

"You got in late…."

"Yup…" I moved to the coffee pot which was as usual when she was up before me, ass empty.

"So, how was your mingling….if im not mistake I heard a guy's voice…."

"Are you sure it wasn't coming from your room, that's usually the case…."

She flipped closed her magazine and looked up at me, "well someone is in a fuckin prissy mood today…what the hell…"

"What? I had a late night and an early morning am I supposed to me little miss sunshine?"

"Sorrry….so who was the man I heard."

"Do you have like a bats hearing when it comes to the opposite sex because I swear you do."

"Um No, and no need to be a *+@*#…."

"Sorry okay its just I have a lot on at work today and im not in the least bit looking forward to it."

"Whats going on…"

"Uh my boss FI has decided that im up for junior editor, she said so last night at the party and I just don't know if im ready for it…I mean im only 24….that's a lot of bloody pressure."

"Isn't it a good thing though, I mean most people work all their lives for a chance like this, if I were you id grab onto it with both hands…"

"I know, I know I should and that's whats killing me. But as it stands I don't have any social life of my own, if I take this I may as well become a nun. Ill be working 24/7 practically."

"True, but wont it all be worth it, I mean think of the pay rise…."

"Its not about the money, you know that. I like the wage earn now, its just if I take this position it means contracted…for years, which means ill never really be free to look for something else…something better."

"Better than helping run the most popular tabloid in the country….what else is there?"

See the thing about Rachel was, she was a gossip as well as a +$**…not a good combination.

"real journalism, real news about real people and events, not who Paris Hilton is shagging this week or what Britney's cellulite looks like….that's not what I want to do forever."

"Her cellulite is gross can I just say that, I mean for a woman with ALL that money you'd think she'd invest in some treatments for it for god's sake!!"

"NOT the point here rach….do you get what im saying here?" I took a bite of my toast.

"Yes I get it…and im sorry your unhappy…but don't ruin this or you might not even get the chance to pursue a "real" career if you piss off your boss…tread light okay?"

"Okay, you're so lucky…all you have to worry about is your boss, I have to worry about a @%%* load of egos, and a nation of gossipers….ugh!"

"Hey, being an assistant to mr "I love myself" Maxwell isn't that easy, he is one of the world's biggest assholes but he signs my pay checks so I have to be nice to the @%%*."

"I still think there are other lawyers out there - female ones that wouldn't grab your arse every time you walked into a room."

"He may be an $@%%%## but he's good in bed…why should I give up the one perk of the job."

"Well, if you say so. Right im gone….wish me luck."

Walking into the busy news room I was met with the usual lines of BS from those who worked under me, why deadlines weren't met, why such and such didn't get the scoop they wanted or needed or that someone else had taken it.

All of which id have to explain to my boss, the over eager lipstick on her teeth woman that was Felicity Goodman.

"Morning Anita, or should I say after noon?"

"I was working for you last night remember….and I think we've got the story on beckham latest lady in waiting…"

"Really? You saw it last night then?" she sat on my oak desk with on butt cheek on, the other off. One leg to the floor.

"I saw it all, in fact I even saw Mrs B witness it for herself….she was fuming."

"So who was it then?"

"Her sister!" I smiled and handed her the detailed account of what I saw. "Here, it's all in there…and ive managed to track down her sisters husband…he's got a few interesting sound bites in there too."

"You did all this in one night?" she asked flipping through all 11 pages."

"No, actually ive known for a while…about a week so ive been sending surveillance on the sister for a few days, the pics should be on your desk if the copy editor's been doing her job."

"This is huge, you know that don't you, I mean the minute we announce, another affair is big, but when we add that's its Vicki's sister and she KNOWS? Jesus, it proves the marriage is a sham…all for the public. Either that or she really is as thick as she is thin…."

With that she walked off shaking her head as she read my story, she seemed happy. Too happy. That meant only one thing - she had her front page….

I hated doing this, I mean yes it was meant to be good for my "career" and that every front page I earned id done so with a @%%* load of hard work. But on the other hand these were people, not something we owned and could exploit at our own choosing…they had children, sham or not they were parents… as much as the raise made me happy, the cruel aspect to it made me that much more sad.

I felt dirty.

"Anita could you come to my office a moment please?" I heard over my com.

"Coming." I pressed in as I stood up and walked the short distance to her glass office.

"Please sit down." She said sitting in her big leather chair the perfect background of big Ben behind her

"Is there something wrong with the copy I gave you?"

"Oh no, no its perfect in fact we're going to splash with it first thing…it'll run all week."

"Ok…"

"Anita, you've been here what, 2 years now?"

"In June…"

"Ah, well in that very short space of time you've been a tremendous addition to the paper, you know that im sure. You've earned seven amazing splash's in only that time, and each time it's been right on the ball."

"Well…thank you." I think?

"Good, look the reason ive asked you in here is that we… max (the owner of the paper) and I have decided that of all the candidates for the junior editing position, you are the most deserving."

"Oh?"

"Congratulations, you've got the job" I was gob smacked, I what now?

She noticed this and she stood up and walked to my side of her desk, "Anita, I know that for someone as young as you this is a huge achievement, but you've earned it girl, enjoy it!"

"But I…. wasn't john in for it? He's been here much longer than I have…"

"Yes but john is a lazy bum…so, listen ill let it sink in…but for now let me show you to you office."

"Office?" I had walls!!!

"Yes dear, office with windows and everything." Windows as in plural? Well okay then.

Hey I may have been in moral hell, but it didn't mean I couldn't be comfortable while I was burning now did it?

"This is mine?" it wasn't huge it was half the size of felicity's…but it was still bigger than my cube. And it had two massive windows a large desk, computer and big ass leather chair. Yes I could live here!

"Thank you?"

"No, thank you…this beckham thing maybe the story of the year, and its only January! They'll be a small celebration later on if your interested, they'll be champagne…" she smiled again and left me to it.

Should I have been happy?

"This is amazing you little *+@*#, you're younger than me!!" john exclaimed hugging me as all my work friends had done.

"That's what I said! But she said they wanted someone…oh how did she put it, NOT so over the hill!" I joked.

"Like I said, *+@*#!"

"Seriously Nita, what kinds of pay are you looking at here…I mean this is a big deal! We have to head out on the piss tonight!"

"I can't…"

"You can, and you will come on! Its not every day you get something like this!" Sarah, fashion editor added.

"I suppose."

"good, ive just gotten some classic samples from Dior, we have to go try on and if anything fits ill let you keep it….EVERYONE lets say "the lounge" at 6?"

"6???" I answered. "But I have…"

"No, it can wait…"

Ugh, the thing is working at a place like this everyone, is as pushy as each other.

"Fine" I gave in, "fine but if I suffer from one of my hangovers tomorrow, you all will pay for it! I may even abuse my little bit of power!" I walked into my office with a cheeky swagger, knowing it would annoy most of those watching, those who didn't know me of course.

The others knew me well enough not to take me seriously.

I liked that.

****

"Change of set people, take 10!" the director screamed again. It seemed like they had changed set six times already and it was only 7pm. Having gotten somewhat used to the long on set days id grown to like the breaks.

The film I was working on was one that id been asked to do by the director him self. Mr "love actually" Richard Curtis. So you can only imagine the story, yeah that's right Id caved in, sold out…whatever way you wanted to put it, id gone and signed up for a romantic comedy.

And I was actually enjoying it; the cast was incredible, a real who's who of not only British film but a few well know American faces…let's just put it this way, my on screen mother was Joely Richardson, and my father Hugh Laurie. I played the son who was raised in America after they gave me up, and moved here after the death of the aunt who raised me, to the mother I never knew and the father who was meant to have raised me but didn't…its all very confusing actually. But I liked it so far, and my leading lady being Sienna Miller, I was in ok company. To say the least.

Having waited the ten minutes, we waited another ten, and another until the set manager finally came and told us they'd been having to many problems and that the next scene would have to wait until the morning. And that we may as well go home.

I was in no mood to be hauled up in a hotel room again, alone. So this time when I was offered an invitation to head out. I took it.

"Where to now?" I asked Sienna's boy June, or was it Jude? Id had a few at that point.

"I know this place around the corner, it's quieter than the club but not too dull…I have a few friends that frequent it too, it should be a laugh."

"Ok…" hell if I knew what he was talking about I just got into the cab - or should I call it a taxi… I was having bother with all this inter-continental languages.

We entered the swanky club amid a slue of paparazzi, which once we got through I definitely needed another drink.

"What are you having love?" the neatly dressed cocktail waitress asked in a weird version of the British accent. Sounded northern I think?

"Um JD, on the rocks please…" she took the other orders and I heard a distinct popping of bottles on the other end of the bar, but it was blocked by those standing around it. Then I heard cheering over the music.

"Someone's celebrating."

Sienna spoke up then "seems so, we will soon too…we're almost done! Thank god! That man takes longer than anyone ive met to just go ahead and shoot a $@%@+#+ scene."

She was mad; he'd told her off for always having her boy on set.

"I know, it has taken longer than id liked…he said two months, it's been three."

"Tough for you, id say your dying to get back to the states?"

"Nah, ive a few more things on here afterwards…but I do gotta be back by may."

"New album?"

"Yeah, that's why im staying her a few months more. Ive met with producers, and I like what we have, im thinking of using it!" the music started up, well it was after 11 most places only got going at this time.

Id finished my drink and mingled in and out of several conversations at a time when I broke for the bathroom.

Then I saw her, singing to the words of the Madonna song that was playing, it was Anita.

And I think she was drunk. I debated on weather or not to go to her, but then again I figured I may as well. What I had to lose. I was me for god sakes.

"Anita?" I tapped her on her shoulder, and she turned around as her other friends all just went about there business. I wasn't used to that, most people were at that very least, surprised to see me…

"Justin, Jesus what are you doing here?" that was one way of saying hello I guess.

"I…im here with a few friends…you?"

"Oh!"

"She's celebrating darrrrling she got a promotion!" One balding drunk man interrupted and walked off.

"You did?"

"I did…" she smiled awkwardly. "That's why we're all here?"

"They all work with you at your book store?" Must have been a pretty well run book store for having that many staff.

"Um, something like that."

"Let me buy you a drink then, as congratulations, and a thank you for last night." I noticed one of her friends head turn in my direction; I guess that comment could have been taken any number of ways.

"Anita aren't you going to introduce me, you seem a little friendly with Justin Timberlake….HI! Im Sharon…"

"Well hi Sharon, you already know who I am…but it's nice to meet you."

"Oh you too darling you too! So how do you know our little Nita here?" Anita blushed; it was cute in a way.

"Oh we met last night…we…" wait what did I say here.

She butted in for me, thank god!

"He gave me a lift home, of all things can you imagine…."

"Oooh is THAT what you 20' something's are calling it these days…" she winked to her friend, she was clearly drunk too.

"No, really that's all it was…"

"Of course darling, just warning you once fie finds out…."

"OK SHARON, moving on!!! Anita shouted to her friend, almost pushing her aside.

Then she turned to me again, "how about you buy me that drink some where else?"

"Sounds like a plan, where too now?"

As we approached the bar, a quieter version of the one before, in fact it was almost empty. "What are you having?"

"Just a water please?"

"Water? Woman come on that isn't a real drink, come on order something real!"

"Ugh okay, a vodka martini please"

"Dirty?"

She smiled a knowing smile, "yes actually."

"Good to know."

We sat with the back drop of lights on the deck, fully operational with heater, which was neat in the January cold.

"So this promotion, is it a big deal for you?"

"Ummm well, in a way…yes but Ive worked hard for it, so no I think in a way that I deserve it!" she raised her glass and took a sip.

"That's good right?"

"Of course! But I don't know it's just really tiring sometimes I wish I could just….let go and just write what I wanted to right."

"You write."

"I do, studied journalism at school…writing is something ive always had a passion for, you know something that just drove me."

"I know what you mean something that is just there and that you have to let out - otherwise you feel…"

"Trapped."

"Exactly, trapped that's how I feel sometimes when write my songs. Its something that's therapeutic, something that just eases all the tensions…well most of them anyway."

She smiled at me then, "yeah that's what it is."

"So why don't you then? Why not just leave what you do now for the thing that you want?"

She sat back in her chair, and took a deep breath, "You make it sound easy."

"Isn't it?"

"I wish it was, it would make things so much easier if it were. But as things stand at the moment I can't move on, it's that simple…"

"So it's on hold??"

"For now…." She paused "okay I barely know you, why on earth are we getting so deep here." she laughed settling down her drink.

"I don't know!!" I laughed with her, it was weird I wasn't usually one for deep conversations, let alone ones with women I hardly knew, then again not with the ones that I did know that well either….

"You said you were filming a movie? Whats it about." She cheered up.

"It's a romantic comedy - Richard Curtis…."

"Love him..." she inserted

"Yeah he's cool….and yeah it's a good movie, on paper any ways….i don't really know"

"Aw, come on your in the hands of a master here….you know if it's him its gonna be good!"

"I hope so; my others are still in the waiting department….so I don't really have any feedback to reflect on."

"Don't freak out about it…."

"Freak, did you just use American terminology?" I laughed.

"Ummm, I think I may have, damn you any way, only been here a while and your twang is wearing off on me."

"Is that bad or good?"

"Its…ill let you know."

For over two hours we just sat there, completely normal just talking.

It wasn't that I was over enamoured with him, I was used to being around celebrities, so it wasn't that big of a deal for me. But with him something just seemed different. He wasn't just normal, he was nice.

"Okay ive been drinking on and off since 6 this evening, I need to stop now or I won't be able to walk…"

"Your sauced, aren't you?"

"A little…" there was another thing about me you should understand, I giggle at everything and everyone when im pissed, even when I don't want to. But with him I was more than giggly, I was a fool.

"I think I should go home."

He looked up at that, "its only 1 am, it's not even late…and I have to be up at 7"

"No, it's not late but I can't seriously drink any more…as nice as the company has been…and as cute…I just can't hack it"

"How about some coffee then it might ease the hangover tomorrow"

I looked around. " I don't see any coffee…"

"Okay, you are on your way to drunk…come with me…"

and that's all I remember until I was sitting in a "living room" off a hotel suite, with the strongest cup of coffee I think id ever been given.

"Uuugh, where am I."

"You're at the mandarin oriental…you know that right? You're still alive under there…" he referred to his cushions on the couch her head was currently buried under.

"I am…."

"Good." He sat next to me, as I sat up. Taking another healthy gulp of the black stuff.

"Thank you for this, my boss will be so mad if I show up half pissed tomorrow, she's anal about stuff like that."

"Tough boss?"

"Believe me when I saw AHUH!" I sat up fully, aware that my coat and shoes were missing.

"Did I lose my shoes?" I looked around causing him to laugh

"Naw, I have em…you threw them off when you came in."

"God, im rude aren't I?"

"No, although you did keep apologising to me."

"Why?"

"For the kiss…"

There was a kiss? I was bloody mortified, believe that!

"WHAT?"

He laughed, "Im kidding….there was no kiss, just a lot of "im sorry about this Justin" what you were sorry about I have NO idea but that's all you kept saying."

"Oh…well…okay then, don't do that to me again please, it wasn't bloody funny." I stood up

"Where are you going?"

"Bathroom. I need to freshen up…" he told me where it was and I set off with the essential that is my handbag. It held everything, from make up to mobile to even a spare tank top. I had a big ass Chloe bag that was big enough for all of these things, mainly for times like these.

I washed my face, that seemed to bring me around to my old self again, well at least enough of me to question what in the hell I was doing in some rock stars hotel room, wait is he a rock star? Well what ever he is or was, WHAT WAS I DOING.

This wasn't good, what if the paps saw us come in? Would I be buying my own picture for release tomorrow? Oooh NOT good at all.

When I walked out he was sprawled out on the couch, watching what looked like east enders of all things.

"So, this has been….nice, but I really do think I should be going…"

"Oh…"

"Yes…so um…could I have my shoes?" I laughed, more so out of nerves than anything. I mean here I was single available and here he was, all of the above plus hella sexy - and I wanted to go home, to cold Chinese food and an even colder bed.

He walked up beside me and he handed me my coat that had been lying on top of the sofa. And he opened a closet door and produced my heels.

But he didn't hand them to me.

"Look I don't want you to leave. But I don't want you to stay either"

Ok that made no sense, but then again he was American…

"Um…okay?"

"No, what I mean is…" he looked at me finally "I mean I like you…you know that right? I mean you know im attracted to you?"

I didn't budge.

"Well I am, but see I want you to stay…here, tonight, with me…but if you do then…I don't know, im just really messed up." He shrugged after speaking - not a whole lot of sense.

"What is it that you're saying? That what?"

"That, right now I don't want you to walk out that door because I might not see you again and I don't want that either…." I walked closer to him,

"but if something were to happen with us, and im not saying that it would…I mean you don't seem like the type of woman that would…" okay so he's hot, women love and adore him and he's meant to be a playboy - hell ive written about him, he IS a playboy…this is not the attitude of a playboy.

He was shy, and self conscious, he was nervous.

I was reeled in.

"Would it make things easier if I kissed you?" I asked defiantly.

He looked up from his staring at the floor, almost in shock. Yeah we brits, not so subtle.

"Huh?"

"Well I was thinking it might affect your indecision on weather or not you wanted me to stay or go, would it help matters any if I kissed you?" I nudged closer to him.

"I think it might." He said in a low husky voice, that looking at him - I never thought he had. It was sexy as hell. So much so I got shivers.

"Well that's settled then" his mouth hovered over mine.

"Yes it is…"

With that he closed off the space between us both placing a soft kiss on my lips, one after another, and another.

And I had to admit, even with a small section of facial hair, he was still a really good kisser, too good because what had started out as a joke, clearly backfired on me. I didn't want to stop it now that I had started it.

I was never usually this bold, but I guess jumping off those indecision bridges pays off once in a while.

This was definitely a nice reward.

When things got so intense, he dropped the shoes he held in his hand and placed both his arms around my waist, pulling me closer and closer to him. Not that I was objecting, in fact I more than welcomed it.

Id seen pictures of him before, I mean who hadn't in the western world, but up close it was so different. It was better if possible. His body was like his dress sense, neat tight and well…hard.

Needless to say, but ill say it any way. I liked it.

I don't know what excited me more, the fact that I was on the fast track to what was shaping up to be the best sex id had in…well quite some time with someone so hot and so well skilled, or the fact that if my boss could see me now she'd have several fits, that I had such a hot commodity in my presence and NOT inform her of such a "splash" as she called it, or the fact that Sharon would give her left kidney to be where I was.

In his bed. And im not joking about that….her crush on him was monumental.

"Are you sure?" his eye contact didn't break with mine, and neither did his lips.

"No, but that doesn't mean I want to stop…"

"I like your thinking…" I edged up onto the pillows he closely followed.

"Few questions first" not that he'd answer honestly at this point any way im thinking. But I had the skill of reading people well; his eyes would tell me everything.

"Sure." He moved on to my neck. I pushed his head toward me, so that I could see his answers.

You locked your door?"

"It locks automatically…." He kissed my nose.

You have protection right?

"Of course, what do you think I am….i may be southern but I aint a hick…" he laughed, and then I asked the one question I needed,

"Do you have a girlfriend?

His eyes changed, he seemed serious that that point.

"Do you think id be here, like this?" he motioned to us both - scantily clad "if I did?"

"I don't know? Aren't all you superstars the same?"

"You think that?"

"No, I don't think that…but I did need to ask."

He nodded. "Well then Anita, same question to you"

"No I don't have a girlfriend."

"Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked more seriously this time, like he cared if I did.

"I told you last night, NO I don't." this time I moved to his neck and kissed down his throat. Up over his earlobe as I ran my fingers in his short hair.

"Good, that's all I needed to know…for now" he finished by yanking off his shirt, then mine.

"God you're beautiful…." He said sliding to the zipper of my trousers, slipping them off.

"Nice that you think so…"

"Oh I do believe me." with that his oh so pretty lips landed on my stomach. Something id worked bloody hard to maintain flat.

I slid my feet around his waist and pushed him down.

"Hey now…"

"What?" I laughed "I didn't say you were in charge…"

"Who said anything about bosses…this aint a job sweetheart?" He winked.

"I might have one later…if your lucky."

"Nice to know" he continued his journey.

Ok I know what your thinking, "lying #+@#!" right? Well that's what I was thinking so if you were thinking it, don't feel bad.

I mean I was, wasn't I. I wasn't honest with him I wasn't forthcoming with anything other than my body and well I felt really guilty about it.

And even after all the shenanigans that I got up to that night with him, the guilt still didn't fade when I woke up on the opposite end of his exceptionally large bed.

"What time is it?"

"Uhh…." He reached for his watch without taking his head off the pillow, "6:15…why?"

"Its only Tuesday Mr Rock star, some of us has day jobs to go to you know…" having found my clothes in the still darkness of the room I went in search of my shoes.

"Justin, I have to go…." I yelled into the other room as I looked under the two sofas he had in his suite.

"No, you really don't…come on its too early…" still he never lifted the head. Lazy son of a….

"yeah ok take a sicki the day AFTER a promotion, that would look just bloody great wouldn't it…say to my boss "sorry I didn't make it in yesterday I was a little busy boinking Justin bloody Timberlake, Im sure she'd believe me too."

"Ill call her if you like…" he opened his eyes and squinted at me when I turned on the light.

There he was just lying there all topless and cute, and I wanted to sit in an office?

I was crazy.

"No, really I think that would only make things weird."

"Yeah your right id probably frighten her to death, some little bookstore owner or something…" he smiled again.

I felt sick.

"Uhh…" I looked around the room "my shoes?"

When he finally got up and found me my missing shoes, I quickly did my makeup and hair and was making a mad dash for his door, when he came out of the kitchen bowel of corn pops in hand.

"So your just gonna run and leave me huh?"

"Isn't that how these things usually work?"

"And what would "these things" be Ms James?" see why could he just have let me leave, never to see him or feel my guilt again.

"Look I don't really know you do I? And you certainly don't know me…"

"And?"

"And well fine, ill say it - I took this for what I thought to be a one night kind of thing…."

"A one night stand."

"Yes."

"Really?" he sat down his cereal bowl and grabbed my hand shutting the door

"What made you think that?"

"Justin, come on we're basically complete strangers…."

"I disagree, we've talked…I know your favourite ice cream, you know mine, you know my favourite dog died when I was 7….and I know you have a really sensitive spot just below your hairline on your neck…so NO I don't think we're COMPLETE strangers."

He was reaching at something I wasn't sure of at that moment.

"Justin most of those things I could have gotten off goggle…."

He just laughed loudly "true, but I don't just meet a girl and wham we're…"

"Banging?" I finished in his speak. Making him grin again.

"I am wearing off on you aint I…and yeah I don't do that, contrary to popular opinion….I mean look at this, do you believe it." He pointed to the expensive looking coffee table in the centre of the room; it held a bunch of newspapers. Mine on top.

My heart started racing a mile a minute. Didn't he see my name on the page, it was the beckham story.

I was gonna be sick.

"I mean look at this, this poor guy and his family. I mean they clearly have issues if he is straying but they have kids for god sakes and all these trashy people care about is getting numbers."

"I…"

"I mean they've quote her family for god sakes, I mean what kind of soul less scum would do that to another person, solely for their own gain. Its sickening, it makes me sick…"

"Justin…"

"AJ King, Jesus he must be a heartless son of a #+!$#…" I didn't mention my last name was king did I? James being my middle name - my dad wanted a boy; I wasn't expected…so they kept both. I liked the shorter version in person, the elongated real version on paper.

"I should go"

"No…." his tone was warm now, unlike before. "Look I don't mean to take this out on you, this clearly has nothing to do with you…"

Oooh god, im going to hell aren't I?

"Actually…"

"No, it doesn't and I know that, im sorry it's just this $**$ pisses me off sometimes because, yeah, it's the beckhams today, it could be me and my family tomorrow….its all the same."

"No its not!" I finally spoke up…well more like shouted.

"What?"

"its NOT all the same, okay these people have sold every single aspect of their relationship to the press, that paper…that magazine, it didn't matter what it was - wedding, pregnancy, births….as long as the price was right! They took it and the notoriety that it gave them and ran with it, and now just because they don't "allow" this doesn't make it private! He's cheating on her, he's not the man everyone sees, and don't you think that if a public are going to buy into something, to admire and aspire to something….that they should know the WHOLE story???"

Ok so granted I was ranting, but I think I got my point across. I knew this because he sat there, speechless.

"WELL…I guess I know your opinion on celebrities…" he raised his eyebrows.

"Look im sorry but that's just how I feel…and if you disagree with me then fine but I cant change what I think."

He shook his head no for a second.

"Are we fighting?"

"No…" I did think so but I wouldn't say.

"You're strong minded…I like that, you stand for what you believe in, I like that even more….look I don't know about you, but I had fun last night…"

"I had fun too…" I picked at my top, when I wasn't shouting I was nervous.

"Well, since we both didn't have an awful time, and we seemed to enjoy the - activities…" he laughed "maybe, we could try it again sometime…"

"Really?" My tone was wary

"I mean not JUST the last part of the evening…" he blushed slightly - I liked that, it was like no matter how confident he seemed, or appeared that little flush in his cheeks said it all. "The other parts were just as appealing, but if you wanted…."

"Justin do you really think this is a good idea?"

"What do you mean? Is it so bad that I wanna hang out with you?"

"No, not at all - it's nice…but your not just some guy, you're…well YOU. Everyone knows you…and I just don't want everyone to know me too."

His eyes lowered.

"I see…"

"Look, don't get me wrong okay I like you too. Clearly…I mean if I didn't do you think I would have just….Im not easy, and im not a %+%$ so letting go and doing what I did last night was a big thing for me. So in any other circumstance id love nothing more than to see you again…Really"

"But because of what I do, you don't want to." He folded his arms; I knew that he was closing me off. Couldn't say I blamed him.

"Im sorry, really believe me…"

"Right well. I guess there's nothing more I can say is there?" he benched his ass against the chair.

"Im sorry"

"No your not…"

"Excuse me?"

"You're not sorry, so don't lie."

"Im not…"

"No, you are….so lets just leave at, we had sex we had fun and you're done…im fine with that but don't lie about it just to make yourself look good."

Yes, ok I noticed…he was mad.

"Look if you knew what I had to deal with…I mean my job, it might not be as…notable as yours but it takes up a lot of my time."

"But not all of it! I mean what do you do other than work? All I was asking is if maybe we could hang out, that's it. I wasn't purposing marriage for god sakes…"

"Im not fun, im not cheerful and im not peppy….im egotistical and self centred and I usually over look everyone else in favour of what I want."

"Really."

"Yes, really!"

"See, I don't believe you, ive only know you, what? All put together - 16 hours and I know all of that's not true, as much as you might want it to be…so suck it up woman, your not that badass."

I crossed my arms then, who the hell was he to tell me…well what I already knew.

"Get to your point yank."

"I wanna hang out with you, im in a strange country, we're all yall do is drink tea, and talk so damn proper I feel like a bigger idiot that I do most of the time anyway….your the first real person ive met that ive actually WANTED to hang with."

"That's all?"

"That's all…we don't even have to have sex…" he smiled…I raised my eyebrow, I raaah-elly didn't believe him.

"Is that so…"

"Well, um…I guess we could work on that! But im willing…if you are? And judging by that grin on your face id say your freak out phase has passed."

"Can I just say, maybe, for now?"

"That works…have a nice day at work…" he crossed his eyes and stuck out his tongue. And yeah, he had me at goofy look number one.

"You're an idiot…." I answered his comment grinning like a mental patient, as I walked out of his hotel room and made my way to my newspaper to see if id been caught by one of my own….

And so it begins…..

"So what was with you last night?" Sienna asked me as we both got our morning coffee before we had to be in make up. "You just left."

"I know, I meant to call and say but I guess I just got distracted…." I smiled.

"Ah, who was she?"

"She?" I handed her the bagel she was eyeing, "I don't know what you mean."

"Humm, so you expect me to believe that you went home to your lonely hotel room and slept alone? Nah that grin on your pretty little face tells me there definitely was a SHE in the equation…."

I didn't say anything, so she pushed me. "Timberlake, come on!!! I need good scandal here…"

"There is no "scandal" I just ran into someone, and we got to talking…and yeah she spent the night….but I don't know what the means yet…."

"It means you had sex! God I didn't know Americans were THIS slow."

"HA, bloody ha….and you know what I mean, I don't really know that much about her, but I like it like that - the mystery…its fun."

She nodded from under her woolly hat, "I know what you mean, is she nice?"

"Yeah, she is…I mean she's no a walk over or anything but I see that under all that bravado there is niceness there - whether she knows it or not."

"When did you say you met her?"

I had to laugh, it sounded weird when I said it out loud. "I ran into her and we got to talking and, I don't know I just saw something in her that I really liked….you know other than the fact she's hot."

"Typical man…"

"No, I mean I never thought id see her again, and then when I did, at that bar….well I just had to talk to her id have regretted it otherwise."

"Are you gonna see her again?"

I was pretty comfortable with sienna at this point, we'd been filming together mostly for almost a whole month, and with the scenes we had to do - the love ones in particular. Well let's just say that when you spend 17 hours in a bed with someone "tryin" to "make it look real" the awkwardness leaves pretty damn quickly.

"I don't know, I want to, just to see "what if" you know? If I do then great, but she's weird on the whole 'celebrity' thing, it's not like I blame her…."

"Wow, most girls are dying to get their names in the paper…she must be really level-headed then if she's avoiding it all."

"Hope so."

"JUSTIN & SIENNA" I heard the A.D from behind us, "MAKE UP, ASAP."

"Ugh, duty calls…" she said running her hand down her jeans.

"I know, I wonder does that guy EVER NOT YELL" I laughed walking with her to the trailer, "we've worked with him for what four months and not once have I heard his normal toned voice…."

"Eh maybe he's a robot…" she giggled and stepped up onto the trailer, where the make up artists were just finishing some of the extras.

"Morning sues…" I said sitting down in front of my new favourite lesbian.

"G'morning darlin' what are you so pleased about???"

"OH!" sienna spoke up "Justin met a girrrl…"

They all "ooh'd" I don't know what the big deal was. Sure I hadn't been with anyone in a while but it wasn't that big of a deal, hell I didn't even know if id see her again, it wasn't a big deal…No it really wasn't.

****

"Why didn't you run it, I dispatched the photographer myself his WIFE was the one that gave us the tip off for god sakes….UGH fine you know what ill do it my damn self."

I officially hated telephones, since my new "title" demanded more of me that just an articles writer I was working twice as hard, and so far only had half of the rewards I normally would have had, I hated it.

"Everything ok in here?"

"No, it's really not."

"Why?" my boss questioned almost sympathetically

"Fi, I don't know, maybe im just not cut out for this, I mean im too…"
"too what? You're just freaking yourself out okay, and yes that's normal. But look you have this now, this is your thing, I can't tell you what to do just tell you what not to do."

"Ok how is that any different?"

"Its not," she laughed loudly "but look this thing with your contacts, they just don't know you well enough…where the list?" I handed her the exceptionally large leather binder.

"Aw I see, well let me give them a call that should be the kick up the arse they need…." Wow did she just do something nice for me….well if she did I was too hung over to even notice I just could do nothing else other than put my head down on the desk.

I was too tired to be mean, or in charge. I just wanted to sleep.

"Boss sleeping on the job well I never…" Calvin, as in gay as a peacock Calvin from accounts knocked on the door.

"Hi"

"Hello to you too miss boozealot…where did you go last night, you walked on your own party for @*## sake?"

"I didn't…I just met someone more interesting than you drunken skunks…" I managed a smile as I sipped my ice water.

"Ooh a man??"

"I don't want to talk about this now…" I put my head down again.

"Aw come on, one of us should have good man tales to tell…May as well be you for a change."

"Yes a man, he's smart and charming and that's all am saying…now go away and let me snooze."

"Is he cute?"

"Yes?" I answered from under my arms as I still kept my head down.

"Nice arse?"

"Yes…"

"Eyes…"
"He has two…"

"Ha, ha, you know are they pretty or frightening eyes…"

I sat up, "what in the hell kinda question is that?"

"I once went with this boy, he had the nicest of bodies was a total sweetie but, eh the eyes…he was a total head case!"

"Why?"

"Big bulgy evil eyes, so now…does this one have nice or head case eyes…"

"He has gorgeous, baby blue eyes that are…very giving."

"As in??"

"As in they give away everything about him…telling, you know?"

"Well don't you sound smitten…didn't you just met this man?"

"Sort of…"

"Huh…well…I hope it works out…"

"Why?" I smiled at my goofy friend.

"Well then I can live vicariously through you and get me some kicks…keep me posted on mr blue eyes will ya chicky…"

"Will do, now please…"

"What?"

"GO DO SOME WORK!!!!" I laughed as I got up and shoved him out of my office.

See now the thing was, I needed to just chill out, and I was over thinking a lot of thing. My job, my life my new spontaneous love life, if it even was a love life? For all I knew it still was a one night stand and he was just sweet talking me to stop me selling my story, man that sounds cynical doesn't it? Well sadly it was something that came with the job.

I was more cynical now that id ever been, and I hadn't even reached 25 yet can you imagine what ill be like when I turn 30? 40? Hell no one will be able to stand my ass if this keeps going. I needed a change, not so much in myself but in my thinking processes. I needed to lighten up.

With that my phone was red hot again, enough self involved over thinking - back to work.

"Two more takes people. Come on now let's try and get this right" the director told us again, having shot 9 scenes in 14 hours I think it was getting done pretty quickly.

I was so tired.

"Ok, now move right Justin, and when sienna takes her lines, after the first three….and then the pause. Move and do your thing okay? Got it?"

"Got it" I yelled back to him, behind the camera.

"OK QUIET ON SET….ROLLING….ACTION!!!!"

I did my thing and we got the shots, word perfect the first time, for the first time that day.

"CUT!! Bloody hell…at this rate we'll be done in an hour, good work you two. Next scene set up!!" Richard and the AD both walked off set looking very please with themselves. I on the other hand was done for the day, and the rest of the week, it seems I wasn't needed until the following Thursday - finally some time off.

"But it's going okay an all man?"

"Yeah I can't really complain. I mean other than being hella lonely over here…its great."

"I thought you were hangin with the cast?"

"Oh I am, but not always you know…its gets tiring working and socialising…sometimes you just need a break."

"Ahuh…you want me to come over?" Trace, added through munches of whatever in the hell he was chewing.

"Na am good. You and mom are coming over next month though…right?"

"Hell yeah, we gotta tear up London again…haven't done that in a while….you meet anyone else?"

"Well…yeah, I mean I think it's a "someone"….she's cool though."

"A girl?"

"Yes a girl…and she's…I don't know, unique I guess."

"Unique like how? She DIDN'T sleep with you?" he chuckled. Idiot.

"Oh no she slept with me…but, afterwards I didn't feel like running for the hills. I even…"

"What?"

"Well she stayed the night."

"WOW" was his rightful shocked tone. Yeah I wasn't one for one night stands, they never lasted the night to qualify. Usually with girls, at that point in my life, the ones that were obvious gold diggers, the ones that throw themselves at you, you know the sort, micro skirt, belts almost the size of said skirt…fake baked and hair extensions that look like dead cat tails….i used them, I know that…then I tossed them.

Not the thing im most proud of, but they never seemed to mind, which made me even more depressed, I always picked the whores didn't I?

"I know."

"So you've, I assume held a conversation with this chick?"

"Yeah, and she's smart man, she's witty too…"

"Wow, you gonna make this a regular thing then?"

I took a breath, "I dunno, id like to though, she's tight man…be a shame right?"

"Eh, it's up to you?"

"TRACE…."

"Fine, yeah if you like her enough to let her actually sleep with you…then its must be different, since for the last year, it hasn't been all that great for you, take this as a re-fresh…give it a shot."

"Thank you yoda…" I laughed.

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Im gonna go get some dinner, when ma comes back tell her I called okay?"

"Sure dude, bye."

Since I knew where she lived, from the other night I got the same driver to make a little trip with me.

I didn't even know how she'd react, I mean she hadn't called…but then again I hadn't given her my number.

So if anything this was a valid excuse to "see" what the ground was with us, was it just a one night stand, or did she really want to see me again.

It's not every day you meet a normal, down to earth gorgeous woman, who doesn't want a piece of your fame, her 15 minutes as they say. She seemed pretty much against the idea of her being photographed.

I liked that. And I couldn't just pass up on the idea of her, but in saying that - what if she didn't want to see me again?

Well in that case id just leave, move on. At this point I was sure I hadn't got myself too invested in anything to be too affected by its departure.

I was testing the waters; yeah that's what I was doing.

The car pulled up on the quiet street after eight, I was sure she had to be home at that point didn't she?

I walked up and rang the door bell.

And I waited.

"HOLD ON!" I heard a few seconds later from behind the door.

"Hey?"

"Jesus…."

"No, Justin…" I smiled at her astonished reaction.

"Justin, what…I mean…yes what are you doing here at my house?"

"I realised that when I wanted to call you tonight that I didn't actually have your number, so im here instead. I hope you don't mind."

I just then realised I probably looked like a stalker.

"Ok…+$%!, come on in…Im sorry I was just a little stunned when I saw you? You were the last person I expected to see…I thought you were my flat mate."

"You have one?" I looked around her two storeys "flat" it was very up scale, expensive area too.

"Yes, she's working late tonight so I thought you were her and that she'd forgot her key or something." She walked into her living area; all open planned so you could see the kitchen and dining area from the hall.

"Well you've got a real nice place."

"Thanks…"

"Look im sorry for just showing up, but I just felt like seeing you…" I admitted almost bashfully.

She took her seat on the sofa and nodded for me to do the same.

"No, it's a nice surprise…really" she smiled then, and tucked her hair behind her ears - she was probably just as weirded out as I was.

I decided to try and break the ice, "well this isn't awkward AT all is it? I mean you have sex with someone and see them at there most vulnerable and then ya can't think of a damn thing to say." I chuckled finally causing her to do the same.

"Im sorry. How are you any way? You had shoots today right?"

"Right…it went okay mostly you know, it just can really drag on after a while." She nodded.

"Well I was worked off my arse today, and with the bloody hangover that I was nursing till at least lunch time, you know that wasn't easy! Im never drinking again!"

"I don't know, you see pretty at ease when sloshed."

"Yeah that's just because you were a $$@$* and took advantage…." She winked.

"Oh I took advantage, and what you were the innocent in all this?"

"Well…yes actually if you must know, had I not been drinking I don't think things would have happened last night like they did."

She was baiting me into an argument. Playfully of course.

"Things? Is that what they were, things…humm, I don't think that's how id explain them."

"You don't have to explain - I was there…"

"Yes, yes you were…" there was a small silence.

"Right well…" she started but just as she did the phone rang. "Hold on…" she walked over to me; the phone was on a table beside me.

"Hello...yes…aw okay…no, no it's fine…me? Nah im…alone" she looked at me and rolled her eyes, "yes rach…its fine just be quiet when you do get in okay? Alright, bye"

When she hung up she just stood there, "my flat mate, she's working…"

"Late…yeah you said…so she won't be home?"

A small smiled appeared on her face, then a wicked one. "No, she won't…" and with that she grabbed my hand and stood me up.

"There has been one thing ive been wanting to do since this morning…" she leaned in, and kissed me once on the lips.

"What about "if I hadn't been drinking?" and all a that?"

She rolled her eyes, "kissing you doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means Justin…are you always in this big of a rush…."

I felt stupid.

"No…not always…" I touched my lips to hers again, and she popped on her tippy toes to wrap her arms around my neck. It felt real nice. We stood there engaged in each other for a few minutes, when I guess she got tired of standing and backed me onto her comfortable couch, as she took her seat on my lap - straddling me in the process.

Aw this was more like it.

"Still not what you think it means…" she corrected me, when she saw the massive grin for on my dopey face.

"Aww…why you gotta be like that, at least let me imagine." I joked.

"Don't you think you did enough of that last night?" she moved in on my neck, and those sensations went right to my groin.

"What?"

"Are you listening to me?" NO

"Uh…"

"Oh shut up…" she laughed letting me kiss her soft pale neck. Her body felt so, soft. But she was slim, and didn't have much going on up top, if you get me. But she was still the epitome of feminine. She was all woman, her eyes ill be honest were the first thing I noticed about her. They set everything about her off with such mystery, and you know that was a turn on like a @!**%%%%%+#*!

When her lips touched on his neck again she let his hands leave her waist, she was a little busy herself to notice where they went, he moved them gradually, from her waist up and over onto her exposed back, the straps of her black tank falling as he caressed her skin, supple and smooth like silk.

His mouth moved over hers again and she placed her hands on his shoulders, allowing herself time to get over the sensations she was feeling, all of them flooding her senses at that moment, one part of her wanted nothing more than to be mischievous, and just give in to all the naughty thoughts that were bouncing around in her head, then another part of her, the boring always do the right thing part - was screaming at her, telling her no, that she was lying to him and this couldn't happen.

But then his hands unfastened her bra and guess which part quietened down real quick? Yeah you guessed it.

He took her soft supple breasts in his hands and began kneading them causing her to moan, and verbally announce her pleasure at his movements.

He pulled away from her long enough to get a nod of assurance from her, that what he was doing was okay. She nodded, her formally green eyes, now almost black….they held so much infatuation, so much desire. All so quickly. It was almost too much for him to handle, having her there on his lap. Moving and grinding into him as she was, it was almost too much.

He needed to switch before that became obvious, "Anita….is there somewhere else….we…" he took a deep breath, he was almost afraid that he wouldn't last long enough to tell her what he wanted "that we could go…this is a little awkward."

She just looked at him, as if she was considering her next words, cautiously.

"Ill make you a deal?"

He nodded in response, "we do this, but…I won't let you hurt me…."

"I aint that rough…" he laughed, but he knew her eyes were serious.

"No, I don't want love; I don't want issues or plans…. I just want you and me….that's all…"

"Just us?" he answered.

"Yes…just us…."

He knew then that she was in the same place as he was, or at least he thought she was, he didn't want a crucial relationship with rules and dates and obligations, but he didn't want to $$@$* around either, she would be his, and him hers but they wouldn't be defined as such, no this was exactly what they needed.

Just each other.

"Deal…"

She smiled. And stopped, she stood and walked behind him, he just sat there for a few seconds, not really sure what she was doing,

"Well are you coming or not?" she said for the other room.

Yes, this was an arrangement that he knew from that second that he'd have no problems with, none…

Skin, it was everywhere, hers - his…all meshed up together amongst her sheets, nothing but moans and laughter had been heard for a while, nothing but sheer passion finding and outlet and an audience in each other, from the moment he entered her to the time the windup had become so intense for not only her, but him as well he knew, she had something over him, something he couldn't have remembered ever feeling before, sweltering aching, head spinning love making that exhausted them both.

Then the door was heard in the few moments of restful silence as they laid in each others embrace.

"Shhh…"

"What?" he said in a whisper.

"That's Rachel…" he looked at her bedside clock.

"It's almost 3'30 she works this late?"

"No…she's shagging her boss, he's married…so that's why she does a lot of "over time" at the office these days"

"Oh? He's cheating on his wife? What a %*%%!@+…." They continued to whisper.

"yeah, I only met him once…but she says he tells her he loves her and all that bull +$%!…I tried talking her out of it, but she's infatuated with him."

"Infatuation is fun, but it can be dangerous too…" she looked him then, as he ran his fingers down her collar bone.

"You sound like you know something about that?" she laughed, quietly.

"Yeah, something like that…."

"KNOCK, KNOCK" came from the other side of the door.

His eyes widened,

"Don't worry I locked it."

"WHAT?" she shouted then.

"Are you awake?" her friend said.

"WELL I AM NOW, WHAT IS IT."

"Can I come in; I need to talk to you for a second…"

"UM….NO, WAIT A SECOND I'LL COME OUT…." She looked at Justin then, "sorry, ill be just a minute, don't say anything okay?"

She slipped out of her bed and searched for her dressing gown; she yanked the thing on and quietly walked out of the room, shutting the door after herself.

"Hey, whats wrong?"

"You're not mad at me for waking you?" she said with the orange juice carton to her head.

"Um, no I know you wouldn't have woken me if it wasn't important." She looked at me like I had to heads, but then again I was having a really good night, nothing was going to annoy me after what id done.

"Uuhk, well look it's like this. I was with Rick tonight."

"Clearly, since it's almost morning and all…"

"No, any way…we got to talking and well…he says he's definitely going to leave his wife this time, and that when he does he wants me to move in with him."

"Again. How many times are we going to do this, he's not going to leave her."

"Nita! Come on, I love him!"

"Im well aware but im just thinking, if he really loved you then he would either let you in or let you go."

"He is….eventually."

"Honey, you're worth more than this! You know that!"

"I know but it's just hard….i can't leave my job, if I leave my job then I cant live…then I leave him."

"And you don't want to do that…I get it, really."

"So what do I do?"

"Ok, how much have you got in your account right now?"

"My bank? Umm…from savings and all I guess 2, 3 grand."

"IN SAVING? How the hell do you live if you save all that?"

She just looked at me, "Honey im doing my boss, I haven't had to pay rent in about 3 years on this place…."

"Really?"

"Ummhumm…" as she continued to ramble on, and on I really did want to be a good friend, I did. But all I could keep thinking about was that amazing hunk of a man lying ass naked in MY bed, and needless to say - it as a little distracting.

"And so now it's all up in the air…Nita what do I do?"

"Sweetie, id love to help you, but its late…can't we talk about this later?"

"Uh of course…sorry to have woken you…"

"Nah, its ok. Night."

"Night…"

With that I slipped in my room again, being careful to lock the door again.

Not surprisingly, he was asleep.

On his stomach, hands under my pillows, his face all smushed against them, he looked completely comfortable.

Serene, sexy as hell.

And all I could keep thinking about was the fact that if he knew who I really was, he wouldn't give me the time of day, let alone be here with me - in my bed.

Only if he knew the real me, then maybe he'd understand, that im not like the rest of them…but I knew the minute he found out, what ever this was we were starting, it would be over just as fast as it began, and I just wasn't ready to lose him yet.

Not yet.

"Seventeen times, he cheated on her seventeen times with up to 10 different women, is that what you're saying?"

"Yes…" the other end of the line opened up.

"And you know this how?" I asked the mystery lady.

"I have tapes, conversations…he makes it more than clear to me in them."

"You taped him?"

"Yes, I have three tapes and on them he's made really obvious what he's talking about…."

She asked for the price of the tapes, what the paper would be willing to pay, I offered her the standard 20,000

"This is explosive, I think there worth more than that…."

"Ill offer you double that if you tell me just who you are and if you do an interview…"

"I can't…"

"Why?"

"You need to keep my name out of it." The woman was adamant, "you have too"

"I will then, who are you."

"AJ, its Sadie, Sadie frost."

Sweet Jesus is there no one willing to let anything be privileged?

"He's your children's father? Why are you doing this?"

She was silent for a second…

"Why not….now if I deliver them to you tomorrow, the fee is the 40 grand right?"

I shook my head, yes it would make a stunning story, since they had gotten back together and a wedding was less than a week away.

"Fine….ill let you on to my assistant. She's going to give you the details." I hung up.

Then that now familiar feeling washed over me, the sickening, stomach in knots, light headed feeling I got when ever someone's life or relationship was placed in my hands.

"AJ, are you alright?" felicity's headed popped into my office again.

"No, I just feel so sick. I had Sadie frost on the line, she's offering Jude law on a plate, cheating tell all, on sienna…."

"Really? I %+!%!*% hope you took it?"

I nodded yes, "of course, that's why I feel so damn sick…I hate this fi…"

She rolled her eyes, "the moral war you fight, am I right? Its something all you twenty something's will go through, I went through it…don't worry it'll pass"

"What if I don't want it to pass…?"

"What?"

"Fi, I hate this, when I do this im making peoples lives a living hell."

"Im not going to coddle you Anita, you know that…now look what your doing isn't good, morally its not. And you and I both know were going to hell, but then if it wasn't us, it would be someone else. We make a lot of money out of this, so much so im retiring in a month, and im not even fifty. In no other job, will you earn the benefits that you do in this one. Ive played it smart, like ive taught you to…bank everything and invest. Im a multimillionaire, im set for life, you do this now and you can relax later….repent later…"

"What if I want more in my life now, than just the money?"

"What more is there?" she smirked and walked out of my office, just as my mobile rang.

"Anita James…"

"Hi, it's Justin."

"Hello…"

"Hello to you too…you busy?"

"I am a little, im guessing by your oh so bored tone that your not though are you?"

"Nah ive got the rest of the week off, so im just stuck here in my hotel room, all on my lonesome…"

"is that so, well I happen to know quiet a few good escort services that ive sent clients too in the past, care to be one of them?" I laughed.

"No thank you, what are you doing for lunch?"

"Lunch?" I checked my watch, it was almost one…I hadn't realised.

"Yes, you know that meal before dinner, after breakfast…lunch, I was thinking that if you weren't busy…you could come have lunch with me…"

"God you must be bored if you want me."

" well I am bored, after all the excitement in your place the other morning, I mean how could anything match up to that?....come over, ill let security off…" with that he hung up. Yes he was JUST as bossy as I was.

And the excitement he was talking about was, the morning after he had spent the night, trying to get him out of the house in time for his work, and trying not to be seen by anyone, my roommate, the pap's that were constantly roaming "the hill", and my prying neighbours. It was like something from a bad sitcom, every time we got out of the room Rachel would come out of hers, and then when we finally got out side, my neighbours were there, and then there were all these cars, and it was just impossible to do it without being seen.

But we did it eventually, and he wasn't spotted.

Thank god.

And yes, I do realise how ridiculous it all sounds, but well he still didn't know about me, and I sure as hell wasn't about to let MY newspaper out us both now was I.

&&&&&&&&&&&

It had been almost a week since id seen her, that morning at her place. It was funniest thing id done in a while trying to leave her "flat" as she called it. The reason I hadn't seen her was because she was busy, then I was, and when one of us wasn't, the other was.

But we'd kept in contact over her mobile, and mine.

But it wasn't the same, things were nice between us. Even the most mundane of conversations were interesting when she told them. I wasn't sure what I was doing with her, I didn't know if we were dating or if we were just people who called each other, and had sex, or what? I mean there wasn't really a definition for things like that, and in all honesty I wasn't even sure I wanted to define it. I liked her, I knew that much, and for right now, I think that's all that mattered.

"Who is it?"

"It's your nooner, im a little late…" her accent came across the door way.

"Hi you…"

"Hi…" she smiled, mocking my accent. She walked in and automatically wrapped her arms around me. Kissing me deeply.

"Umm, I think I like this."

"Yes well don't get too attached, I have to be back at work in an hour…"

"Aww…."

"No, an hour, and you better have some kind of food here, im famished." I smiled leading her into the suite.

"Well it just so happens I do!" I pointed to the table that was already set and waiting for her.

"Jesus you take advantage of your hotel staff don't ya…."

"I do…sit, eat…"

She did, "so what have you been doing all day?" she asked me, mouthful of food.

"Eh, just hanging out, a few of my friends came over from LA for the week; they're out shopping right now, sight seein, that sorta thing."

"Why didn't you go with them?"

"Well I wanted to see you…"

She grinned widely at that, "Aw, your such a sap, you know that don't you?"

"As you keep tellin me…"

"And I will do too, you Americans, you're too open about every bloody thing…we're just not built like that im afraid…"

"Built like what?"

"Like, discussing our 'feelings' or things like that, I mean I know im not, it takes a lot for me to open up…"

I grinned, but I didn't realise it was such an evil one.

"Im not talking physically here you Wanker" she smiled bashfully and threw a fry at me.

"I wasn't thinking anything of the sort…but now that you come to mention it…"

"Lets not…shall we? How's filming?"

"Good, great actually…everything's on schedule and the director isn't mad at me, so its all on the up I think…"

"What about everyone else? Are they getting on as well as you?"

"On screen things are great you know, but I think that sienna's been having a few problems."
"Really?" she asked, genuinely interested.

"Yeah, she's been crying a lot and she won't really talk about it…"

"Wow, and here I was thinking that things were great with her and Mr Law…" she looked away.

"Let's not talk about them now, how was your week?"

She rolled her eyes, "hectic, just one thing after another, and then some…Im glad it's almost over, I have some holiday time coming thank god."

"Really?"

"Yes…" she continued to eat her lunch, "and I really need it too, I hardly had any time off over Christmas…so these three weeks will be so welcomed."

She finished what was on her plate, "aw thank you I needed that. I was starving."

"I noticed…"

"Ha-ha…."

She walked over to my side of the table, and pushed me out of my seat so she could take hers, on my lap.

"I still have a good 45 minutes left until I had to hot foot it back to the office."

I kissed her then, something that over the good dozen conversations we'd had over the past week, it was something id wanted to do more than anything.

"So Mr Timberlake what are your plans for this evening?"

"Just dinner with my boys and maybe a few beers….you wanna come? Id like you to meet them?"

"Isn't that a little…Soon?"

"You think so, I just thought that we all could hang out…but if you think its too soon then, its cool?"

"I do, I mean we've only been like this…us for a little minute I don't think im ready to be judged by your friends just yet."

Ok so she had a point, and yeah I know, I was jumping the gun…

"Sorry."

"No don't be sorry, I think it's really sweet that you feel so okay with me to do that, I know for you that's a big thing…" that's right we weren't the commitment type of "couple were we?

"Now, back to what we were doing before I came over all weird and acted crazy…." I leaned in and kissed her again, this time moving so that I nudged her off my knee, and as I bumped her along into my bedroom she was full of giggles.

"I can't do this, ill be late for work…"

"So….im sure they'll survive."

"Don't be so sure…" she said smiling, as she removed my sweater. "Don't be so sure."

"Anita, what time did you get in last night?"

"Uhh im not sure? Why?"

"Nothing…" Rachel mused sitting next to me on the couch sipping her coffee.

"What?"

"Well, it's just you've been doing it a lot lately, I mean im late but you're…"
"what is already, what are you hinting at?"

"Are you seeing someone? Is that why you've been home at the AM every night this last week?"

See, now how did I answer that. Id been hiding my "relationship-or-whatever-it was" with Justin for almost 2 weeks, id been seeing him on a daily basis, nightly really…and then tiptoeing home when we were done.

It wasn't that he was weird about me staying with him, he wasn't. In fact he was open to the idea, a lot more than I was. But again, I wasn't just lying to rach; I was still lying to him too. My boss called me for her morning "conference call" at 8am, and if I was with him at that time, well my game was up.

"Im, im not sure to be honest."

"You're not sure if you're seeing someone?"

"No…"

"So what, are you with someone?? Is he good looking?"

"Rach, look um…ive been with someone, but I don't really know what it's…there isn't a definite label on it right now."

"Why haven't you said anything???"

"Because im not even sure if this thing is the real thing yet, how could I bring something up that I wasn't sure of myself…you know?"

"Ahuh….so um, what does this man do, he isn't a bum is he because I know you tend to go with your charitable side, but tell me this one has a job…"

God she was just overly theatrical wasn't she?

"He HAD a job, he was just freelance!"

"Isn't that just a fancy word for lazy…?

"ANY way, I think that I like him…I mean I do, clearly - he's cute and funny as hell, but he's wonderful."

"Oooh, sounds like you lurve him…"

"I don't! I hardly know him, he's just a good man, and I like him a lot but for now, it's just the beginning."

"I see…so when do I get to meet this man, he sounds charming…. Is he a cutie?"

"SO cute!" I blushed.

"Reeeeally, what else?"

"He's got terrific hair, and good teeth, Im a big dental freak! But more than anything, he's got an accent."

"Where's he from?"

"The US"

"@++$? Where in the u.s?" she had a thing for the American drawl, so her ears instantly picked up on that one.

"Um, he southern, so around Memphis, or so that way…."

"Sexy…when do I get to met him?"

Oh god, now she wants that? Yes I know I should have known better and not brought it up.

"ill see how things go, like was occurring, in that Jude and sienna had split, and that he was seeing her now, we had pictures and everything. Of course, I knew in my heart that nothing was going on; he was giving her a hug, that's all it was. He was his mobile to me at the time, so I knew when it was.

But I had to make it into one of those "new hot romance on set" stories that I began with Brad and Angie, and hell I was right with them. Hence baby jolie Pitt.

But now, I knew I was wrong. And it sickened me more than usual, since I knew he'd read it and he'd be pissed off the next time I saw him.

"I just cant believe it, I mean where do they come up with this @++$, its nothing and they're making it into this huge deal, its not!" he exclaimed handing me my G&T.

"I know that, seriously Justin, calm it…"

"I am calm; I just don't want you thinking that you know…that id be…you know…"

"Cheating on me?"

"Yes, because im not, I wouldn't…" he seemed dead serious at that.

"I know…"I looked away, it was awkward - we hadn't talked about being a couple, yet we were talking about cheating or not? It was weird, in the sense that we weren't official or anything but he was reacting as if we were…wait, were we?

"SO!" he took a deep breath and embraced me to his side as he sat next to me.

"So….other than the mean papers, your doing good?"

"Yeah, ive booked some studio time over here for the next few weeks, I just feel like I can really do something you know, it's inspirational."

"Being written about has made you want to write???"

"No, being with you…" he kissed me on my temple.

When he said that, it came across as one of if not THE sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

"Really?"

"Really…." He grinned broadly. "Look I don't know if ive made it known to you lately…but these last few weeks with you, they've been amazing, really…I just…I really like you. You've made my staying here - so far away from home, from my family and everyone I know, you've made it so much easier"

"Aw, are you getting sappy again?" I laughed, but he didn't. I wasn't sure how to take it.

"No, im being real. And I just wanted you to know that ive…loved being here since I met you."

"Im that good huh?"

"I guess you are Anita, I guess you are…."

"So, what on earth can I do now, to make your stay more…amazing, I think that's how you described me…?"

"That's about right, and you know, I just don't know what you could do to make me more comfortable right now, I mean ive got good food (it was Chinese take out so it wasn't that good) good entertainment ( it was x factor, entertaining yes, good - no.) And ive got this stunning woman by my side, who WILL be waking up with me tomorrow, just in case she didn't know that!" he grinned widely, that heart melting smile that I loved.

"No, she wont, she has to get home to bed, she has a big day tomorrow…and she can't be sleepy…I just can't, and we both know if I stay here, not a lot of sleep will be had!"

He smirked at me, "Aw come on, this isn't right you know, I feel so used when you just up and leave after we've….you know…" he wriggled his eyebrows at me, and it was very funny, he was a grown ass man and he couldn't just say it!

"You know? No I don't, refresh my memory, what is it that we do…"

"We…you know…"

"Justin im going to need you to say it!"

"We have sex. Make love, get jiggy…happy?"

"Jiggy? Ok, Will Smith called and he wants his slang back, jiggy…J you're white, get used to it already!!"

"Nah, ma sista, I aint, I got black blood in me somewhere! I mean my fro speaks for its self, there is definitely "brother" blood in me somewhere down the line!" Being around him, especially when he was in silly mode, it just made me laugh so much. And in my line of work - laughing at something genuine just wasn't something I was used to, not these days anyway.

"You're a head case, im just letting you know that now, in case im called to character witness you somewhere down the line, one word from me and you'll be in the nearest nut house!!"

"Aw come on, you adore me this dopy, you said so!"

"Oh, I don't think so yank….Not at all…"

"Aw you do, I can see it in that sweet smile of yours, you want me…" he batted his eyelashes at me, playfully.

"I don't." I took another drink.

"You want me, you want to kissss me, and you want to touch me…." he began to sing, ala miss congeniality

"Bugger off, no I don't…" he climbed over on top of me, kissing my neck.

"Well okay, you might not want those things, but I sure as hell do!!" he set his sights on my neck, and lets face it, I wasn't in any position to refuse.

Now was I.

****

"Are you tired?"

"Not really…" I mused running my hand up and down her back.

"I am a little but not so much that I need to sleep…"

"Ahuh…"

"Am I boring you?" she peeked up at me

"NO!!! Im just thinking….maybe we could go out next time you come over."

"Out? Like out on a date, evening out?"
"Yes….maybe just the movies or something?"

"Couldn't we just rent a DVD?"

Okay I knew she was weary of the press, but surely the movies weren't that dangerous?

"It was just a thought that's all…"

"No, im sorry I just really don't my life splashed over all the papers that's all, its not that I don't want to be out with you, I mean I am getting crazy being in doors all this time. But it's not like we've run out of things to do." She smiled wickedly at me, and then I got her drift.

And in all honesty I should have been loving it, a girl who wasn't interested in the lime light, who just wanted me all to her herself, and liked to have sex? What was wrong with that?

Nothin, with it. But with me, maybe - I wanted to move on with her.

Was that so bad?

"You know what, forget I mentioned it. We can just rent something if you want."

She sighed and bit her lip.

"No, its fine. A "date" sounds nice. And oh so American."

"Well don't let me force you or anything!!!" I huffed.

"Shut up you $!%%, your just looking for sympathy." She was right, Damnit.

"So what then, a movie?"

"The cinema has that new Colin Farrell one on show this Friday….want to?"

"Eh, yeah why not. His shits cool."

"Well okay then…" she settled against me again, but she seemed uneasy after that. I don't know what got into her but she just seemed to space off every time we'd talk.

I wanted to bring it up, but then again did I? Maybe she was just preoccupied with work, or her friends, or something.

I didn't want to think she was worried about being seen with me, I didn't because that would mean I would have to think about being seen with her, another girl I was thrusting into my life - media wise anyway.

No doubt if we were seen together, she would be chewed apart by the papers. In the US it was bad but here, it was just SO much worse!

I didn't want her to be hurt, and the fact that I was even considering her feeling at all in the first place….well it wasn't something id done with a woman id been sleeping with - in a long time.

*****

Apparently Justin Timberlake has got a new girlfriend.

That was the memo, (yes it was memo material. The colour of posh spices knickers requires a memo) that was sitting on my desk.

I pressed my com. "Whats this?" I asked my new assistant (yup, Ive got an "assistant")

"Fi left it in before she left, apparently there's a woman he's been seen with"

"Are there photos?" I was quaking.

"No, she said the men following them couldn't get a clear shot of her face, the pictures are worthless…."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Right, what do we know about her?"

"Nothin, no one will comment and no ones leaked anything yet, so it's just a waiting game, so she says any way…."

"So all we know is that he was seen outside the cinema with someone, which proves nothing."

"It's enough." Stacy smiles. "He's hot, so why not? It's been a while since we've had anything on him…."

She was formally aide to Tom, who got fired for shagging the boss…he and fi fell out; he got the boot out…

"I know, but lets leave this until we have something worth running" I avoided "what have we on Britney, whats her low life of a "husband" up to?"

"OH!" she walked to her desk and handed me another memo, from fi.

"Britney's hubby & stripper….check out the photos"

"Give me, ill see and run this instead. Get me Sarah; she can fluff a piece on his movie.

"What about the mystery woman?"

"Nah, nothing yet…"

It was after 12 when my mobile rang.

"I wanna come see you…" was the sappy voice on the other end of the line.

"Bored again."

"No, I just wanna see you, whats the address of your work?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Justin, we've talked about this…it's not safe for you to come here without bodyguards."

"I have em with me in the car, just name the street and we'll be there in a few."

"Honey, Id love you too, I would but im just SO busy right now….I can't my boss would flip out so much!"

"Im harmless."

"I know, but she's not…Please? Ill cut out early today. Ill call straight over." He was silent, "Justin, please? Ill make it up to you."
"Uuhk, fine but it better be good."

"Isn't it always?" I laid back in my chair laughing.

"I suppose." He still had that whine in his voice.

"Cheer up, or your face will stick that way…Now, be nice and go to work"

"Im off today."

"No your not, your skiving there is a difference."

"Its only wardrobe fitting for a few end of the movie bits, they don't really NEED me for that."

"YES, they do now bugger off or I won't come to see you later."

He sighed over the line, "Fine. Later Anita."

"Bye…."

Dodging bullets, I tell ya it isn't easy.

I hated dishonesty, even though you'd think I didn't. I did. It ate at me all the time.

I wanted to tell him the truth every single time I saw him, but then I knew if I did it would be the last time I saw him.

And I DEFINITELY didn't want that to happen.

I did as I said I would, I called to see him at three. He was lounging around in an old pair of basketball shorts - and nothing else.

"You don't waste time do you?" I smiled, using the spare key card he'd give me the day before.

"I thought id save you sometime…" he got off the couch to greet me.

"Mmmm, you smell nice…what is that."

"Sweat."

"HA, no what is that?"

"It's ANGEL, perfume. I love it."

He nodded. "So I have something to ask you….well a few things actually."

"OK! I took the cookie last night, I knew you wanted it…but I -"

"Um, No." he smirked "that's not it."

"Oh." I sat next to him then. "Well what then."

He blushed, and looked from the bottom of his eyes. "I like you, you know that right?"

I nodded.

"And well I know that you like me too…"

What was he 12?

"Ahuh? Whats your point?"

"Well I mean…you're not seeing some else are you?"

Was he high?

"NO, are you." I accused.

"NO!! Of course not, I just thought I should ask before I ask you the thing I really wanted to ask you?"

"Honey seriously are you high?"

He just laughed, "I know im not making any sense….but ok…I know you have time off coming up…this week end for three weeks right??"
"Right."

"Right, so I was thinking…maybe if you wanted you could come to my birthday party…"

Oh.

"In Memphis."

Oooh…

"In…Memphis. As in Memphis your home town in the states."

"Yes."

I felt the pressure build on the back of my neck, my chest tighten.

"Well?"

"Are you sure? I mean we've…you're…Im…"

Ok now I was the one acting like she was high.

"If you don't I get it, I mean its okay? But ill be going home for the two week break we have and I…"

"Is it a big deal? I mean is there a big celeb thing going on or is just family."

He smiled.

"This year, its just family and a few friends…nothing big."

"So there won't be any press?"

Paraaaaaanoid. Wasn't I?

"Not that im aware of, no one knows about it but my circle…you're in that circle you know?" he winked.

"I am?"
"For sure, you're a big part of that circle these days…and besides all my friends are dying to meet you."

"You've told your friends about me?" I couldn't help but smile.

"I sure have darlin', and my mom…she's wanted to know who it was that was laughing so hard last time she called…."

"Oh god that was your mother on the phone?"

"Yeah, she's cool with it though. She's knows were a sort of, kinda a thing…so about the party you down?"

"Im not sure."

"Okay, well will you at least think about it?" he winked embracing me into a kiss.

"I…"

He kissed me again.

"Ill think about it…" I gave in.

"Good girl…" he kissed me again, I loved his kisses. So much so that it made me actually think about his request.

What WAS I thinking?

**********************

What are you thinking

"He does?"

"Yup, he calls me young lady….and winks at me."

"Bastard!" he bumped me.

"No, he's looks like he's in his 60's for god sakes…"

"Aw, okay then." He settled down. Running his hands up and down my sides. Trying each time to remove my top.

"Anyway, Justin?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

"I think ill go to Memphis." I decided right then and there. If I was going to get caught out…I was going to get caught out…

"But…I have something I need to…" he kissed me before I had the chance to respond.

"Forget that, you're coming?? Really? Cool! Aw, you know who you'll love?"

"Who?"

"My best friend, Trace, he's a weirdo, but he's cool!" he was beaming, I mean from ear to ear. I realised then that it was something that meant a lot to him.

"Are you sure though really, I mean come on, we've only been…like this for what? Three four weeks? Isnt it a little soon to be "meeting" any kind of relations...."

I met him day after new years.

"Anita, I like you, I want to spend my birthday with you, that's all."

"You sure?"

"Course…."

I wasn't.

I kissed him again, this time with the intent on getting "down to business" as he so lovingly put it.

As much as I had enjoyed myself hours prior, there I was lying wide awake at 4:40 in the morning, thinking and over thinking everything I was doing, everything I was saying, leading myself further and further into this lie that I was creating. With every minute that passed, I knew I was getting deeper into it, and him. I was falling head first into this relationship.

The more I got to know him the more I just didn't want to leave his side.

I turned in the large bed to look at him. He was so completely unaware of what a horrible person I was, and that's what killed me the most. He thought of me, as this sweet caring loving girl.

I wasn't.

And I knew the second he knew what I was about - he hate me.

Well Id hate me if I were him, I was a lying manipulative @#%$+.

He just wanted me to be with him, to hang out…but who was he kidding, that wasn't just what we were about. The obvious attraction, the tension and the…chemistry I guess you could say between us, all said otherwise.
All I knew, at that second was that I couldn't get on that plane with him.It was one thing dodging his prying questions, but I was guessing it was quiet another with his whole family and all his friends wanting to know who I was. What I did, and oh yes…that I was a lying %*@%! that needed to be boiled alive.

Sound extreme? Eh, I didn't think so?

**************************************************************************************************************************************
Bright, I didn't like bright…And as I tried to fight it taking me over I was fully aware of his presence over me, "Good morning" was what I heard as I squinted.

"Huh?"

Some one laughed. "Morning, sleepy head. Its 7; 30. You said you wanted me to wake you…you wanted to pack remember?" I opened my eyes fully in the room that was just far to sunny for my poor sleepy head. Id only been asleep for about an hour.

"Oh that's right…."

"Yeah that's right…I ordered coffee and eggs, they just arrived. You wanna stay from some breakfast?" I looked at him, just standing there, in just those faded blue jeans - just that.

Not the worst thing a girl could see first thing.

"Anita?"

"What?"

"You spaced out again, are you tired?"

You have No idea.

"A little" I said as I got up and began getting dressed.

He stopped me, as I reached for my blouse, "Im really glad you decided to come with me, you know that right?" he smiled handing me my top.

"I know…." I couldn't look him in the eye.

He seemed like he wanted me to say something else, as he stood there. But he didn't.

"Um, do you have to go into work or something?"

"I do, only for an hour or so. I need to tie up a few loose ends before I take my break."

"Cool. Ive got an interview in a few hours but ill met you here right? Around say 3?"

"Sure."

"The flight leaves at 5 so…you know, timing an all…"

"I know, its fine…don't worry." I pulled on my shoes, and tied back my hair, id do my makeup in the taxi.

"Aren't you gonna eat?" he asked walking after me.

"OH! No, sorry, im not really hungry…" I reached for a piece of toast "ill just have this." I pecked him on the cheek, and went to move away, but his arms joined around my waist.

"Well…" he said, his voice more rasping that usual. "Im not just gonna let you waltz out of here like that…"

I smiled, as he moved into kiss me senseless. God I loved when he did that, when he did that he could have just about everything and anything he wanted.

In fact im pretty sure that boy could charm the knickers off a nun if he wanted to.

As I pulled away from those lips, they formed into a smile.

"That's better…" he said letting me loose finally. "See you at 3"

"Okay, see you at 3."
And I walked out, breathing a sigh of relief when I reached the lobby. Hailed myself a taxi and made myself up to face my boss. In a meeting…of all things.Ugh.

"J?"

"Eric, come on in…Im in here" I yelled from the bedroom, as I packed my $*#!.

"The rides here, to take you to the radio studio…."

"Thanks; im just thinking what I need to go home, this $*#! is hard. I basically have to fit my whole life into these suitcases, haven't had to do that in a while."

"I know, you've settled here. %*#!, I even like it here."

I nodded.

"So where's the girl?"

"She's at work, she's coming later."

"Not for nothin man but don't you think this is a little sudden? I mean how well do you know her?"

"Well enough…"

"For real?"

See, I knew he was just looking out for me, but I didn't want him second guessing for me what I was already doing myself.

"Yeah, she's cool man…she's cool."

"If you say so…you ready?"

"Ready."
I was giving an interview over at radio 1 as sort of a catch up from my last album, to what im doing now. The DJ's were fun there so I didn't mind the senseless questions.It was all "a laugh" as Anita would say….

"Justin Timberlake, you're a resident here now aren't you? How's that going?"

"Its going good, real good I love it here."

"Really, how are you finding London?"

"Im getting to know my directions well at this point, so yeah im finding it pretty easily." I laughed making the blonde DJ blush.

"Sorry…"

"Naw, I love it like I said. Ive been here now a few months and at first it took some getting used to, being away from home and all…but ive made a few cool friends over here, so it's all good now."

"Right, right…any romance?"

Now I blushed, thank god I wasn't on TV.

"Naw, girl im too busy for any of that…Id love to though."

"Anyone in mind?"

"You mean besides you?" I flirted she blushed again, it was all a piss take but it made her be sweeter to me.

"Me? No, no im married."

"Aw damn someone beat me to it! What will I do now?"

"Im willing to bet money on it that there are a few girls out there MORE than willing to take my place with you." She laughed.

"You think so?"

"I do….So how's this film of yours coming along, brit flick - transatlantic cast! From the four weddings director himself - Richard Curtis…."

"Yeah, yeah, it's going great actually. I mean he's such a talented man, so he makes it so easy for now just me, but the entire cast. That are all so talented, it's insane! These are professionals, you know? It's a lot of pressure!!" I added jokingly.

"Surely you're a professional now too aren't you?"

"OH! Noooo, I still see myself as the one they'll catch out and throw off set one of these days…."

And so on and so on, you know the drill…..

"Anita, look there is a reason I called you in here today?" Fi looked up at me from under her glasses * never a GOOD sign*

"Ok?"

"You've been lying to me Anita."

"Excuse me?"

"I know…"

"You know??? What?"

"When I asked you the other day, to run that Justin Timberlake story, why didn't you?"

Oooooohhhh god!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I….it wasn't that interesting."

"Really?"

"Yes, there wasn't anything to back it up"

"Ahuh…" she stood up and flopped a file in front of me.

"Open it."

I did, and in horror, I saw it all.

Me, Justin, going into the hotel. Coming out of the hotel…at the cinema, even at my front door.

"What the hell is this!!? Have you been following me?"

She stood there, as stern as a ship.

"Like I said you've been lying Anita."

"No I haven't, I just chose NOT to disclose who im friends with, is that a @*#@#$# crime now?"

"Friends? Right pull the other one Nita, I wasn't born yesterday, you were seen by some one in the office, they told me, and I looked into it…and that file is what I found."

"What gives you the right to…?"

"He's a @*#@#$# celebrity, an American superstar for god sakes, did you REALLY think that you could shag around with him and NO ONE would notice, don't be naïve!!!"

"IM NOT!"

"Anita im not going to mess around here. We have an opportunity and I want to take it."
"What?" the fear I felt was clearly evident in my voice, she sensed it right away.

"He doesn't know about you does he?" she raised her eye brow at me.

"How…"

"Anita, ive interviewed him…he hates the press, he hates the tabloids, and you're a tabloid writer! Do the math sweetheart!"

"No, okay no I haven't exactly been truthful with him on that aspect of my life."

She smirked.

"But im not telling you anything, im not signing anything understand! Im not…this is none of anyone's business…"

"Yes it is, I have more than enough photo evidence here to run with this - splash it even"

Front page…@#%$+.

"You can't!! You need at least…." No she didn't, she didn't need my permission.

Her eyes softened. "Your quiet taken with him aren't you?"

"NO! Okay no, im not it's just a fling okay…Jesus!"

"Is that so?"

"YES!"

"If that's the truth then why are you getting so worked up?"

Yes, she was right, she knew she saw it in my eyes, my stingy tear covered eyes.

"Look its nothing okay, so I don't see why you would do this, he's leaving today any way for god sakes."

"Really."

"Fi, please don't run this, I will tell him, I just….need a little time that's all."

"For what? Anita, if this is just a fling then I don't see the problem with running this, you know, if he IS nothing to you…."

I just sat there, in stunned silence.

"Ok" I added almost inaudibly "Fine, I lied…okay? He's not nothing…he's…."

"What?"

"I really like him fi. I haven't liked anyone like that in the longest time…."

"But he doesn't really know you?"

"I know that too, but he will okay, he will. Look just stall this, for me? Please? If you run this, I will leave, I will quit and go work for the others, you know that ive had offers."

She crossed her arms, "I see…"

"Will you let this go?"

She didn't say anything, she just handed me the file.

"Thank you."

And I walked out of the office, and to home.
Where I let out the tears id been keeping in since I set eyes on Fi that morning.
And I sobbed until I didn't think I had any tears left.

"She's late, you know that right?"

"Yes Eric, I know, thanks…" I looked at my watch for the fifth million time that hour.

"Should you call her?"

"No, she'll be here okay?"

You know and besides, I packed my cell already. But I didn't want to admit I was that dumb.

"Justin man we gotta leave soon, this plane won't wait."

"Well you were the one that couldn't get the private jet."

"They only had one in the airport and it was reserved for the damn royal family, and im sorry but im not in the habit of arguing with royals just so you can just impress some chick!"
Ok, someone was pissed.

"Fine, ill call her okay, but your gonna have to help me." I walked into the room again.

"Why? You can't dial her number without help?" he sniggered.

"No, it's in my case."

"#%%% man, #%%%!!!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever just hurry up!" I sniggered as he threw my large case on the table.

"She better be worth this #%%% man…"

When I finally got up the courage to dial his number the phone went to voice mail, having gone through over and over in my head what exactly it was that I was going to say to him. I decided that I needed to leave a message, if he wasn't going to answer, then maybe it was a sign…or maybe I was just chicken.

Either way, I began to ramble as I tried not to let my emotion show in my voice.

"You called me so I assume you know who this is, you know the drill…" was the message. Then there was a beep.

"Justin, its Anita…." My mind went blank….

"Look Im not with you right now, clearly you know that…Justin I can't go with you…I want to, believe me! But I just can't, see the truth is. You don't really know me."

What exactly did I say?

"I mean you know ME, you just don't know all of me. What I do for a living….im not a manager in any book store, im not….the truth is, Im a journalist….Im junior editor of the "SUN" newspaper. I didn't tell you, because I knew what you'd do if you knew…but now, well things have gotten difficult. There are photos, and a story my boss wants to run…I don't want her too…but…well…"

I paused.

"Look, I understand if you never want to talk to me again. I get it…but I need you to know that I am sorry, so sorry if ive hurt you or...well im just sorry."

I clicked off. There I did it. I told him, sure I did it in the most chicken way possible…but I just didn't think that I could take the look on his sweet face when he found out what a truly terrible person I was. I didn't want to have to see it in his eyes, the hatred. I didn't think I could handle it.

No.

Its better this way.

Better.

"Rachel!!!" I yelled loudly from my bedroom.

"What? Jesus woman, where's the fire!"

"I think I need a hug…." I looked at her with my puppy soaked eyes. "And perhaps a strong drink or 10"

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Im a %!#$#, that's what…."

"I have scotch?" she volunteered.

"That'll do the job!" I got up and out of my sad state. Fully willing to get completely pissed.

I needed to numb my brain, for if the only thing - to forget.

I just needed to forget.


******

I stood there, in the centre of hotel suite. The same suite that she had shared with me hours before…Numb, in total and complete shock.

I just didn't get it! Not that she could have lied to me, all women were capable of that weren't they? But what I didn't get was just how on gods green earth, I could have been so gullible.

As I listened to the message over and over again, it slowly began to sink in, what she was saying. It was for real.

She was that writer, she was AJ king.

I felt sick to my stomach at the realisation.

She'd lied to me; she'd….deliberately done this. Made me feel for her, let her in…

It was never easy for me to trust many people. I mean I can count on one hand a group of people that still to this day I would trust with my deepest darkest secrets.

Before her, id gone through quiet possibly the worst year of my life. Trust and women just didn't go in the one line of phrase…

But I saw something in her, something that led me to believe that maybe, just maybe - she was different.

It turns out, that yeah she was different, in the sense that she was an even more calculating manipulative ++%@# than the others.

Was this all just a joke? Was it just so that she could run her newspaper, getting another headline?

Was I a job?

I had so many questions, too many to just let it go.

"Justin man? Is she coming or not? We're gonna miss the damn plane." I heard Eric call in from the door.

Still in a daze I just flipped the cell shut.

"#+@% the plane; get the car I need to be somewhere first…"

I ignored his quizzical glances, as he swiftly agreed with me, and got the hotel's car.

I rhymed off the address, and sat back, alone in the car - calming my self down just a touch before I faced her.

I wasn't just gonna let her be a coward, she had done something so irretrievable that she needed to face it, and if nothing else I needed to see her eyes when she told me face to face, the truth about who she really was.

For the entire car ride over to her part of town, her street, I deliberated over as to what id say when I came face to face with her.

Would I be as irate as I felt, would I want to thump her? Would I just want an explanation? Would she ever offer me one? Or just simply dismiss me and my feelings right away?

When the car pulled to a halt. I took the deepest breath I could take and stepped out of the car.

And I knocked her door, twice with a good solid "Im angry" knock so she'd get the drift.

Only the shocked person that opened the door wasn't Anita, it was who I assumed to be the faceless Rachel.

"Uhh, yes?"

"Um, hi…"

"Justin Timberlake?" she squinted gasping.

"Whats left of him…." I muttered under my breath "Um, is Anita in?"

She closed her mouth, and her eyes widened, as if she just realised who I was - to her roommate.

"Um, yes she's in the shower though…but um, come in and ill….yeah..." she became flustered and closed the door behind me.

"Anita! Someone's here to…see you…" she knocked on the solid wood door and I heard a faint "Ok" from the other side.

She looked at me as I stood at the door "Come in, sit…"

"No im fine thanks" I answered sternly so much so that I think I scared the poor girl. "But thank you…" I offered.

"Bloody annoying weather isn't it?" she came up with and I just played along.

"Yeah, it rains a lot her doesn't it? Shitty…"

"Yup it does…and yes it's insanely shitty." She sipped her beverage in her black coffee mug.

And I waited.

The door lock snapped and a burst of steam came out first.

"Who is it Rach?" She then took the towel from her hair, letting it fall wet around her.

"Justin?" her face went white, whiter than even the walls behind her. In fact id go as far as to say it was almost grey.

"Anita do you mind telling me what the #+@% is going on?"

"You know him?" Rachel interrupted.

"Yes, I know him…." She directed to her friend. "Justin, what are you doing here, the planes meant to be in the air now. Why aren't you on it?"

"Is he the guy? Is he the rowdy bedroom guy Nita?" her friend intruded again.

"OH for #+@% sake!!" I exploded, all the while my eyes never leaving hers "YES, ok im the guy, im the one she's been seeing, or didn't she tell you? She makes a habit of that doesn't she Rachel? Lying, forgetting certain details…"

Her friend looked back and forth between us both.

"Justin…"

"NO! Okay, you know why Rachel….she told me she worked in a store or something, not that she was the highest paid gossip columnist in the #+++%#+ country! She told me that she wanted nothing to do with the media! What a #+++%#+ joke! SHE IS THE MEDIA!"

"I can explain, if you'd just calm the #+@% down and let me talk!"

"Why? So you can lie to me again? I don't think so!"

She folded her arms, her hair still dripping all over her wooden floor.

"Then why did you come here then? If you didn't want to hear what I had to say, why didn't you just get on the bleeding plane?"

I didn't answer her.

She rolled her eyes and aimed them at her friend. "Rach, could you give us some privacy…like leave for a little bit?"

"Oh, of course…sure…" she placed down her cup and picked up her jacket.

"Um, it was uhh nice meeting you Justin." She said in passing.

"You too…and for the record, your boss is playing you…cut him loose…"

"What?"

"He's using you for sex, I know the deal…your better than that… leave him."

She just looked at Anita, and then at me, still dumbfounded.

"Ill leave you alone now…"

Her arms were still folded, so I did the same.

"Anita… Or is AJ KING? Which do you prefer?"

"Justin, look I know what you must think of me and I really don't blame you, I don't! I lied to you, I know that was wrong…but…I…"

"You what? You needed your story so you went along with it? Ill bet you couldn't believe your luck could you, the same old, same old, thick-headed American willing and eager to get his heart stamped on, for the amusement of the nation, is that it AJ King."

She sat on the chair I stood beside. "NO, that's not it at all…I met you, and I liked you. That was the extent of it. Yes I knew you, Ive written about you, ive bought pictures of you in order to sell papers. But when I met you that night I was just me. I wasn't working and I wasn't looking. I was just being me. And I liked that you just saw that…." her voice broke, but I wasnt feeling sorry for her.

"Its just…here…everyone in the business knows my face, so when they see me they automatically shut down, and give me that look…the look your giving me right now…" her eyes welled up. "And the answers they've been programmed to give from their PR. You didn't."

"So what you just…" I sat on the couch, too tired from over thinking to even fully stand.

"I just liked it…that's all. I liked seeing you for you…and if you remember you were the one that pursued me okay, it's not like I came chasing after you…"

"But you still LIED! If you know SO much about me, then you'd know that that's the one thing that I cannot stand, anything but that."

"I Know! But look, this is the last thing I ever thought would between us happened okay? At first I told myself that you were just a fling that the sex was great and that's all it was, end of, close the book, story over….but then…"she closed her eyes" then I got attached to you. I waited for you to call; I looked forward to hearing your voice."

I almost softened towards her then, mainly because that's exactly how I felt.

"Justin im sorry I lied to you, but for what its worth…you made me happy for a little while, and I id like to think that I made you happy…at least for a little while…you made my life less lonely. And for that im not sorry I lied, because if I hadn't then I would have never gotten to know, such an amazing man….the true man, behind all the bullshit."

"Anita, look I just…you hurt me." I finally got to it, "you hurt me! I opened up to you in ways, Ive never…I mean it's taken me a helluva long time to be able to trust…anyone! And when I do, this is what happens!"

"Why did you trust me?"

"What?"

"Why? Why did you trust me?"

That was a good question; #%%%…she was a journalist after all.

"Because I needed to" I answered honestly. " I needed to trust you, because I was attracted to you, I wanted to be with you, so yeah maybe I set myself up for this, but it doesn't make it hurt any less."
"I know, and like I said I am sorry. I don't know how else to say it to make you understand just how badly I feel…."

For a while we just sat there, immersed in the deafening silence. The kind that consumes you to the point where anything said is a good thing.

"Are you running a story on us…me?"

She shook her head vigorously.

"No, my boss got wind of it…she has all she needs. She says she's going to do it. Use things, like us in a hotel…rendezvous, sex, but she says she wont out me. Ill be a "mystery" woman, she still says it'll sell like mad"

"So you're fine then…" I added sarcastically.

"No, ive tried….ive pulled every favour with her. But she seems set on it. Ive told her ill quit."

Wow, for a lowlife snake maybe she did a soul after all.

"You will…"

"If she runs it ill walk. Believe it or not Justin. But I did…do care about you…this isn't in any interest to the public."

"Now you know how I feel."

"Huh?"

"Its my life, everyday I face #%%% like this…its good to know that you can see what my side of things are like."

"Look, im well aware of what your side of things is. But this is your life; you worked for this level of fame since you were what? Eight years old? I didn't, I didn't want this..."

"So then why not just be honest from the out set? You lied to me Anita, and you continued to lie every time I saw you, I can't forgive that…I mean from the very first night…you knew the drills with the pap's, cause they were yours weren't they?"

She wiped her eyes, turning away from me.

"yes I knew the drills, it was an instinct. But no they weren't from my paper…not that time"

"That time at the movie theatre, were they?"

she nodded wiping her eyes again "yes, that's why I didn't want to go out…I knew someone would get the photo, and I really didn't want that to happen. Not for your sake, and not for mine…."

I was so unbelievably frustrated, on the one hand I hated her so much because of what she did, and the way she made me feel that second I heard that message.

Then on the other hand, I thought about what I saw, the ways she's made me feel for weeks now? Was it all just a show?

"Anita, Im not completely unreasonable. I understand why you lied…."

"No you really don't…" she countered. Finally facing me again. Her eyes at this point were red and puffy.

"What?"

"You don't REALLY know anything…I lied to you because just this once I wanted to allow someone in - to me. Just me…not my job not my responsibilities, nothing like that. Just myself. And when I did, you liked that person; I didn't have to hide behind any preconceived ideas of what AJ king was meant to be like."

"So are you saying you began seeing me, because I made you feel normal?" I chuckled, I couldn't help myself.

"Yes. Weird as hell, I know."

I didn't say anything, neither did she? We just stood there, looking at each other.

"What now?" she spoke up. Moving in front of me, closer than she had been since she saw me come in.

"I don't know Anita, I really don't know." She nodded.

The chemistry between us was electrifying still….that couldn't be denied.

"Well then I guess there isn't anything left to say is there…"

I tired to concentrate on the feeling of hating her, I really did. But things took over.

The way her wet hair smelled, the way her lips looks all pink and swollen like that, how even after she cried her eyes still sparkled like diamonds….that and I really wanted to kiss her.

So I did. Against every judging bone in my body I leaned in and I kissed her. With such intent passion that I wrapped my arms right around her tiny frame, intensifying the kiss to such a degree it shot straight through my body like lightning. For moments that seemed to last forever, I held her...But then the reasons why not to, flooded my brain.

"No, no, no wait…" I pulled away from her, as she put her fingers to her lips.

"What?"

"I can't, im sorry Anita. I just…I shouldn't have done that." I backed away from her slightly "I know that you're sorry and I know that you mean it, I do…but it's not like I can't just accept that, you and your job and just carry on like nothing's happened…I can't do that, this…" it was her turn to look hurt then. And my heart sank. Why I have no idea? I guess my actions were finally listening to my head for once, my heart just didn't agree.

"I see, well…then you have to go. Justin, I really loved this with you, and you have to know that my job is the ONLY thing that was fabricated with us, the only thing…" she said as she began to tear up again. "This last month has been hectic - so much has happened in like zero time, but I don't regret it."

I knew what she meant. And I just couldn't - and believe me when I say I tried this - I just couldn't hate her.

"Me either….but that doesn't change…"

"I know…" she offered me a weak smile. "I know…doesn't make it hurt any less …"

She walked me to the door, and she just…let me go. She let me leave, I half expected her to protest, to try and stop me. My ego took a tumble ill tell you that much.

"Goodbye yank…" she smiled forcefully.

"Bye Nita…"

I walked out her door, out her gate and into the pouring rain, as I made my way to the awaiting car.

As I took another deep breath, I tried to get my head around everything that just went down. I went there with the sole intention to %!#$# and cuss her ass out for what she did to me, for lying.

But the minute I saw her, it was just fell apart. I didn't want to hate her; I just wanted to be with her.

Lies or not, she made me feel so good when I was with her, she made me feel like me again.
And I hadn't realised how much I missed just being myself again.
But the one thing that just stuck with me, was the fact that her lies and our - relationship, or whatever it was….it was about to be smeared all over the British/world press.
Had she stopped it? Was she even going to now?
I mean she said she'd quit, but was that all just an act too?

I really just didn't know what to believe any more….the only thing I knew, it was one of the worst birthdays id had.
25, it's all down hill from here on in baby.
Im almost 30 for #+@% sakes!!!
That's never good.

$$$$$$$$

The second he walked out and I closed the door; I just let it go and began crying all over again.

Something I had to shower out of me, at least through the sound of the water no one heard me sobbing.

I just couldn't help it.

He was gone, that was it. That little tiny piece of happiness I was developing with him was shredded, and it was no ones fault but my own.I think that's what made my pain that much worse. I had no one else to blame it on, only me.
I had lied; I was the one who knew that this day would come. Only it came a lot sooner than I expected, and that was it. I would have to just adjust and move on.
And that was that.

"What the hell was that???" Rachel came in trough the front door, coat in hand a second later.

"That was the man, you know the one I WAS seeing." I just walked into the bathroom to find a hair tie.

"And? He didn't know that you're a -"

"NO! Ok, no he didn't, cause I knew if he did then he would want nothing to do with me, and guess what - I was right! So that's it…"

"Are you sure? He seemed really upset"

"Thanks rach, that's what I need, more guilt!"
"No," she rolled her eyes "what I mean is, if you and he were just a fling, do you think he would have let what you did get to him so much?"

"What?"

"He was visibly heart broken, which means his heart felt something for you….Not just fling material…"

"Are you saying he was in love with me?" she was bizarre, I was officially convinced.

"Id say by the hurt in that mans face, he was getting there real fast…do you think that's something you really should just give up on?"

"It doesn't matter Rachel, I #*!#+% everything up…my job means that, he and I even if id been truthful…we can't be together. It's impossible."

"You believe that?"

"What else do I have to believe in at this point…?" I looked at her; I knew she was like me in the sense that she wanted to believe that love in its various forms, shapes and sizes. That it could in fact conquer all.

At that second I really just, didn't.

"Im really tired, I think im just going to go to bed…Night."

"Yeah, night."

Id try, but I knew that id be getting no sleep that night.

**************************************************************************************************************
Thoughts?

"No…"

"Ma, please? Ive been working forever, I just wanna chill."

She looked at me, hands on hips, "Justin, your friends have put a lot of effort into this, don't you think you should at least show up?"

My birthday was the day before, and I thought id persuaded my mom to cancel on the party plans…I guess I was wrong.

"I don't feel like being centre of attention right now…" I plopped myself on the leather couch.

"You NOT want attention, sweet lord Jesus I think this is a first for you child…" she smiled.

"Mom, please?"

She rolled her eyes, "okay, but you realise that you have to tell me why before I call any one with excuses…whats wrong?"

"Nothin' like I said, im fine."

"Bullshit Justin, this your mother you're talking to remember that, Trace said something about a girl?"

Little +*@%.

"I just don't feel like talking about it. Im sorry."

"Then im sorry, but I don't feel like calling anyone to cancel anything…" she got up, just when I wondered were I got my stubborn streak from, and walked into the kitchen.

"MA!!!" I dragged my ass off the spot on the couch. "Fine. Yeah there was this chick…In London that I was sorta seeing."

"The girl you were bringing home the one you told me about that one time?" she handed me a glass of milk.

"Well yeah it was her…Anita…she was, special I guess."

"How so?"

"I trusted her, but I shouldn't have…I mean she was lying to me mom, from the first time I met her, she lied."

"She was married?"

"No."

"Seeing someone?"

"No…"

"Had a kid?"

"No, she was a journalist for a tabloid and she didn't tell me."

She "ooh'd" as she took a seat at the table. "I see…did she use you for a story?"

"No, but her boss got wind of us being together and she wanted to do one."

"Did she agree?"

"Um, well she said she didn't. She actually said she was gonna quit if her boss ran it…"

Her eyes widened.

"You two must have been serious then for her to risk her career for you."

Funny, I was too selfish to look at it like that.

"Are you taking her side?"

"No baby im not, but if this is the girl you were telling me about that time…you seemed real content when you talked about her…"

Truth was, I was happy.

"I know…"

"But so she lied about her job, maybe she just didn't want you to judge her, just because of what she did for a living?"

"You are taking her side!"

"No, im just saying. Your always complaining that the press objectify you, they box you just like they do every other young musician your age, well no offence honey, but isn't that precisely what you are doing with her?"

"Mom, I really don't need this now?"

"Just listen, that's all…isn't it? She seemed nice, she's willing to give up her career in order to save face with you, she's willing to give up, what im guessing she worked her ass off for - for you?"

"So?"

She raised her eyebrow at me, "OH I know I didn't raise a selfish child, so Im gonna pretend I DON'T know the selfish man in front of me…"

God she was dramatic, wasn't she?

"Mom no offence but you have no idea what you're talking about."

She sighed, "You were falling hard for this one weren't you?"

"Um, no…of course not!" I moved from under her judgemental gaze. "I wasn't. It was just a ridiculous fling, that's all."

"Uuhk…if that's the case, then why are you taking it so bad."

"I am not, im fine…don't I look fine?" I managed one of my "bullshit" smiles.

"Baby, you've been moping since you got here. You hardly talk to any one and now you of all people - don't want to celebrate…"
"Im just exhausted, okay?"

She gave up, "fine, if you say so…just don't lie to your mother about these things, you know ill worm it out of you sooner or later…" she smiled handing me some chocolate cake.

"Trace'll be here in ten minutes, get showered, you gotta go see John and Stephen."

********

"You have to get up!"

"No I really don't, im on holidays remember I can't lie here on my pasty arse ALL day if I want to, you're the one that has to work."

"Anita, please? It's been three days and you haven't changed from those P'js….im concerned, your self grooming habits have taken a dive."

"So?? Its not I have anything to get up for…" I reached for the remote again, she swiped it off me.

"OI! Give that back!"

"No, not until you shower, and do your hair and make up…ill take a sicki, and we can go up Bond Street and blow my little bonus on some new shoes."

"No…"

"Come on…ill make it worth your while. Ive seen those Marc Jacobs you've had your eyes on…Ill treat you."

I looked up finally. Those shoes were incredible.

"Cant you just go get them and bring them to me?" I hoped.

"Noooo, I mean I might just reach for a pair in MY size…and what a terrible thing that would be, id be wearing them all over the house…and NOT YOU!" she smiled something evil.

"UGH! Fine…give me ten minutes…" I dragged my feet as I made my way to the shower. And when I said ten minutes I meant an hour.

I hadn't showered or dressed since he left. Gross I know but I just didn't feel like I had any reason too.

None, I was alone and that's how it was meant to be. I was meant to die and old spinster in my p'js with a million and one cats eating at my decomposing remains....

I hadn't answered any of Fi's calls, simply because if someone mentioned his name to me I think id combust.

Id done nothing but think about him, just…thinking.

It's a dangerous pass time…for me anyway. I clearly didn't do it often.

I even considered calling him, just to wish him happy birthday. But then I thought against it, since it was late-ish his time, not the best thing to do if I didn't want a label of "stalker" attached to the "lying +%%@@" I already had attached at my head.

*********************

"See this is good isn't it?" Rachel tried to pep me as we walked alone the streets all bundled up in our coats scarf's and boots.

"I suppose. Id much rather be watching friends right now though…" I huffed.

"It's a repeat, they all are these days."

"I know, but still…"

"I know, I shouldn't bring this up…but have you heard from Justin since?"

Uhggghghghghghhg

"No, and I don't think I will either. It's just not something that im expecting, since im still a tabloid journalist and all?"

"I am sorry you're hurting…" she nudged me.

"Thanks…Now point me in the direction of shoes, and possibly ice cream!" I managed a smile for the first time in three days, and it faded the moment I came face to face with him….or should I say his promo for the OTHER film he had coming out…

"Ignore…walk on…" Rachel said dragging me away from it.

This was going to be tougher than I thought.

******
I didn't see why I had to do this; I mean I was 25 for @*+* sakes, not 15! If I - a grown ass man, didn't want to party, surely I had the right to just sit my ass at home and eat! But Noooo, mommy dearest just but the kibosh on all my relaxing plans and was currently waiting for me at the foot of the stair case.

Sure this time it wasn't a "party" like I was used to, it was dinner. In a really swank restaurant with everyone I think id ever met.

Ok, so maybe not. But it was most of my friends and the majority of my family.

"You coming Justin?"

"Be right there…" I adjusted my jeans again so that they sat just right on my self. I pulled on my WR jacket that I just couldn't be without and I looked for my beanie.

"Mom, where's my black beanie??"

"I have it…"

I looked around my bedroom in search of my phone.

That took me right back to the night before. Right after I got "let loose" from the death grip that was Trace. He insisted we "party like @*+*". Needless to say I just didn't feel like it.

But I did it, because im a people pleaser and the one thing people pleasers hate - is not pleasing.

When I finally got home, I fought the urge in my drunken state - to call her.

With the time difference it would have only been 10ish her time. Not late, and id hoped she'd be home.

I dialled codes; I dialled her number….All but the last digit. Numerous times.

The yearning just to hear her voice again washed over me several times since id left England.

But then as soon as id fantasize of her just being with me…Id remember why she wasn't.

She betrayed my trust, she lied and in the past I had more than enough women lie their way into my heart, only to get in fully - and smash it open.

No, not this time. This time id be smart.

I just had to forget about her.

I mean in reality it wasn't anything amazing was it? It was a month, at the most.

A month is nothing, in the great scheme of things, nothing.

But it wasn't nothing though was it? She was….amazing.

And I don't just mean in the physical, sexual sense either.

She was witty, sarcastic, she fought for what she wanted….and she wanted me?

I liked that she'd call, and if I was in a "prissy" as she called it - mood, then she'd just hang up and wait for me to come to my senses.

She said she hated dealing with assholes, she wasn't about to have phone sex with one…

It always stood out as funny. She stood her ground with me. Most girls didn't, in fact most girls just gave me anything I wanted - when I wanted it, how I wanted it.

Sure it sounds fun, but ehh it gets really mind-numbing after a while.

I like a challenge and let's face it I couldn't say she wasn't at least that….

"So, J how's London?"

"Still there…" I answered my cousin Rachel with a severe tone.

"So….whats its like, the movie…talk man! Your bein' way too quiet…it just isn't normal."

"Im sorry…" I wiped my mouth with my napkin, "you're right…Im being a total Wanker aren't I?"

"A what?" she squinted at me. Before Trace butted in.

"He's picking up the cockney slang in good old en-ga-land." He mocked an accent - badly.

"Y'all just wait, Justin will come back at the end of this all posh and whatnot!!" my cousin Nick added. "Don't dude, just for the record!"

"I wont, it's just hard…I feel like ive been there forever…but it's only been a few months…"

"But you miss the states right?"

"Sure…I miss here like crazy, I miss my place in LA…but the culture is SO different over there…they just don't give a +*@%! I love it!"

"Are the girls cool?" Trace added, with an evil look in his eye. I swear if I didn't know he was a meddling little bastard id deck him one.

"Yeah…"

"Met anyone interesting?" Rachel pipped up without knowing and I just grew instantly uncomfortable.

"umm…yes…I mean I suppose you could say that?"

"Who?"

"It's not important y'all…lets move on." I looked up and my mom was staring right at me, with her judging eyes. Sure she wanted more details, but I just wasn't up for giving it.

"What have you all being up too?"

"Ooh! I met someone!"

"Great nick, im glad your people skills are improving - moving on from the sulking in the shadows to actual people/people contact." I scoffed.

"No, her name is Linda…she's really cool."

"Hot?"

He just looked at me with the "as if" "What do you think…she's so hot man, it should be a crime!"

"Honey, when do we get to met her?" my mother began sipping her wine again.

"I don't know it's only been a while…we aren't really anything serious yet….So I dunno, maybe soon?"

"Justin!" Trace spoke up, smirking. "About English girls, you know how they're ALL smokin' right? I mean the accent, the self-confidence…the class and all that" he began to blether.

"Your point?"

"Are you telling me you didn't 'hook up' with ANY one?" my mother smirked again, I knew something was up.

"Why don't you just ask me what you wanna ask me already trace." I was more than mildly irritated.

He put down his napkin "So why didn't you bring that girl home?"

"There was a girl THAT serious?" Rachel asks mid bite.

I suddenly felt ganged up upon.

"Um…No…well yeah kinda but it didn't work out so. Can we please drop it?"

I think they all knew from my tone that they had to drop it.

And I finally made it through the rest of the meal in peace.

Sure there was tension, there was looks but at that point I just didn't care.

&&&&&

"I love that show…"

"Me too, look I just don't know why they cancelled it!"

"I love jack!"

"He's great, I just don't get the Grace thing though; she's just NOT that funny! I think that after it's over they should make it the Karen and Jack show."

As I spooned my millionth spoonful of Ben & Jerry's into my mouth I sat back in the recliner again. "Im so tired, who knew shopping and watching DVDs could be SO demanding."

"So, you think you'll actually sleep tonight then?"

"What?" I looked at her.

"Well its just, this last few nights ive noticed you…up at all hours, and pottering around…I just know you haven't been sleeping lately, that's all."

Yeah, she had me there.

"Im sorry, it's just…I have been having bother sleeping, I think it's just…ive had a lot on my mind that's all."

"Justin?"

"Yes and no…I mean I miss him, SO much it's insane to think a month ago I didn't even know him, and now it's like my life feel so much emptier without him…"

She nodded

"But it's not just that rach, it's like…Fi was on the phone to me again today. She still wants to run the story…I really don't want her too. But she says if I do, and if I give her "anonymous" quotes that's she'd give at least 100-000."

"Jesus, that's a lot of money."

"I know, if I did it, it would make things easier I could buy a house maybe in the country…I could just organise myself a little better, you know?"

"But?"

I took a deep breath, "But I can't do it. And I told her that too. If she runs it, im quitting."

"Really?"

"I have too, on the principle of it alone rach, he was in my life and I in his…it was private."

"But people worship him, they want to know these things…it's what gossip was created for."

"I know, but I just couldn't live with myself if I knew I had something to do with his name being dragged all over the press for some "fling" that didn't even mean that much to either of us."

Sure I lied, but id been doing that a lot lately, and scarily I was actually beginning to believe myself at times.

"Ive been submitting my CV to all these papers for the last few months actually. So leaving the news paper has very little to do with Justin…I mean it adds to it, but it wasn't the definitive reason."

"Where?"

"Broadsheets mostly. Serious essential journalism"

"Wouldn't you be bored?"

"No…well maybe a little. I have to admit working for that paper I did get a taste of salacious gossip, and I liked it, but it's an entirely different thing when its you, I see now really why so many of them spit nails over it. The only difference is they worked for the attention, I didn't."

"What about TV? I think you'd make a great host…a talk show maybe?"

"On what exactly?"

"Everything, that's the format these days isn't it? A mix of everything in one…don't you think? And it's not like you don't have the experience…"

Ok for the record, a minor in TV studies and three months "work experience" at channel 4, was a MILLION years ago….Okay, five, but still.

"No…"

"Why not? You have the smarts, the personality. The whole shebang."

You know you could set your hand to anything you'd like, with your background, it would be easy…"

"No it really wouldn't, I mean the only real skill ive honed in on in the last 3 years is looking after spoilt self righteous "stars" that all have the talent of maggots and the egos of a god!"

Wait, maybe there was an option, PR baby, its what I technically did at the paper any ways right? Only this time it would be on my terms!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Id made it the two weeks in Memphis without wanting to jump over the nearest bridge.

Id done so, on the sole effort of getting completely %++$ faced drunk almost every night. I just didn't want to be myself at that point, had I been I knew everyone would still be asking questions.

So I figured if I was drunk/ hung over no one would notice, leave me to myself.

But then again there was the one night Trace decided to "Confront" me. Right in the middle of the strip joint of all places, while I might add, I was more than three sheets to the wind.

"Dude seriously….what has been up with you lately, your really not yourself."

"Then who am I then? If im not me and your not me and she" I pointed to the half naked Chinese girl "isn't me then who is huh trace? Who is?"

"You know what I mean; you've been weird, distance…with everyone. Your moms noticed, hell even your dad! You mean and moody, %++$ it's like your Pms'ing all the damn time!"

"Look" I slurred "all's I wanna do is sit 'ere and watch the pretty lady dance…you got a problem with dat, then leave…I aint moving from here!"

"Justin, all I wanna do is make sure your okay? Is that bad?"

"Noooo…it's a bit girlie you $#%@% but it's not BAD!" I laughed, even though yeah I know it wasn't funny. "You know all I want is for y'all to just STOP fussin' over me… im find"

"Fine…" He repeated.

"What?"

"You said you were find, I think you meant fine?"

"No I said fin-d…." I pronounced with my slur. Damit! "Fin-d….FIN-D….you know what I mean! Im okay? Im over it, now if you'll excuse me…" I pointed to the blonde "I have a woman to see about booty!"

All I wanted to do was mope, was that so wrong? Id been screwed over, and I know I keep going on and on about it, but me acting like a woman about this means nothing - I was hurt, and more than willing to wallow in it.

"You got everything?"

"Yup, sure do…all packed up for good old en-ga-land, as Trace would say."

"Im so glad he's going with you this time sweetie." My mother sat on my bed as I zipped up my third suitcase - yes not only did I *$$@! like a woman, I packed like one too.

"And Justin, about…that girl…"

Oh here we go again…

"What about her…"

"Im sorry she hurt you, I didn't say that before and im sorry if it looked like I was taking her side…its just you haven't let anyone, no girl…effect you that much in a long time, I just figured that if you had let her in…there must have been something special about her?? That's all…" she trailed off and looked at the floor. I knew what she was doing two weeks ago; I just don't know that she did.

I knew that she thought that, that she knew I hadn't been "intimate" with a woman in a long time - and I don't mean sex. Sex can be incredibly detached when I wanted it to be. One night stands, screwing in bathrooms, limos…been there done that. With her, it was different and that's the real kicker! If I had just treated her like all the other woman that I had done and dusted off, then I wouldn't be feeling like total %++$.

Being hurt like that, it makes you question every move you make. Every woman id talk to, or even look at. Id be thinking "would she screw me over, just like the rest of them?? Sure she's sweet and funny now, but what if I trusted her? Would she change too?"

And as you can imagine that's not the best way to live your life.

The entire flight back to Heathrow I was trying my best to just ignore the images of her that randomly popped into my head, I tried to focus on my scripts and learn my lines and my cues for the filming that would resume in a day after I arrived.

I tried.

"Justin?"

"Yeah…"

"Is that sienna chick single now?"

I looked over at trace, who was stuffing his face with the complementary peanuts.

"Umm, I think so…she and Jude broke up."

"Why?"

"I dunno, I think she found out he was cheating on her I guess."

"How..."

What was he 6 what was with all the one word questions dude?

"Umm the tabloids I think…" I knew, it was Anita James KING that wrote the damn thing but I didn't dare bring her back into any of my conversations with Trace.

"Huh…" he mused.

"Whats so interesting?"

"uh nothing really, I was just thinking if it wasn't for that paper or whatever she would still be living a lie, he would still be cheating on her and she'd be non the wiser."

"So?"

"Sooo, in a way that paper helped her see what he was really like."

Oh sure he'd take her…their side wouldn't he.

"Uhh whatever." I ignored him and concentrated on my script again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are approaching landing, on behave of the captain and the crew we request that your seatbelts are fully fastened and your seats in the upright position, we hope you enjoyed your flight."

That's what came over the PA system.

Well I was here again, and there was no avoiding it.

"Walking in here was really difficult for me Fi, you know that don't you?"

She swayed in her chair, "I suppose, I just really hope you've thought this through Anita. You realise what your giving up don't you? You know how many people in this office, in this city would give their right arm to be where you are at your age!"

"I know, but I also know that I worked harder than anyone else in here for almost two years, I didn't have a life. I solely existed just to write for you…I can't be that person any more. I just can't."

"Anita, if it's about Justin Timberlake…let me stop you now. He's not worth giving up your career for, no matter how charming….hes a player."

I shook my head, "its not…we aren't together any more…" I bowed my head, almost on instinct.

She smirked, "he wasn't exactly pleased when you told him the truth was he?"

"No, what do you think…of course he wasn't. But like I said he is just one of many factors ive considered. I haven't been content here for a while felicity" I used her full name, something I never did.

She shook her head again, as if I was infact insane.

"I see. And there isn't anything I can say or do to make you change your mind?"

"No."

"right." She shoved the front page of the "enquirer" in front of me.

It was Justin, kissing the face of some skinny red head. At a club in London's east end.

My stomach churned, but I played my poker face and just rolled my eyes. "Like I said we aren't together any more, so I don't know what you hoped to achieve by showing me that…"

"I hoped you'd forget this little crush and move on! Anita you are far too talented to just be wasted like this! Ive met him, and I see what you fell for. He's fuckable, he's charming and those eyes…" she smiled "I get it, I do…but he's moved on from you, why let him dictate your career."

"HE ISN'T!" I raised my voice slightly. "I am. Ive just grown tired of this, the same superficial bull %++$ day in and day out. I can't do it any more. I wanted to write because I wanted to reach someone. Make them think! I don't do that here!"

"You don't want to be gossip editor?"

"No, I don't. Look ive been looking into other things if im being honest here fi. Something not so one dimensional, something with a bit of everything, not just who's shagging who, or who's fallen out of china white and flashed their knickers."

She nodded. "Idealism is a wonderful dream Anita, and I wish you well with it…but just in case you fall flat on your arse. Here."

She pushed the cheque in front of me. It had 100-000 pounds on it.

"What the +++# is this for?"

She stood up. "I ran the story Anita, today and it's shaping up to be the second biggest seller in the last quarter."

I felt the tears whell in my eyes "I didn't sign the release of any quotes!"

"No, but you did sign a waver in your contract. That's the same thing dear. Don't worry I made you look good."

"What?"

"I made it look like he'd dumped this "girl" after he'd seduced her. Play up his playboy image." She smiled, so smug it made me sick.

"I can't believe you did that."

"Yes well you should believe it, I told you before I wasn't going to coddle you Anita and I didn't. This story was worth it, and it doesn't even matter, as you said yourself your not even together any more…"

"That's not the %%#$!*! point!! I care! He may not be in my life now, but I still care what he thinks of me!" I was getting more and more upset as the seconds ticked on.

"You were quiet taken with him weren't you?" she seemed shocked "were you in love with him Anita? I thought it was just shagging."

I didn't dare let the tears in my eyes escape.

"I don't want the money…" I pushed back the cheque.

"No? Idealistic and proud…my girl you have A LOT to learn…" she sighed and then she seemed to soften somewhat "Look, believe it or not, I liked you. And you will need this money if your going to be unemployed…take it, as severance if nothing else?"

"I have my pension plan for that." I shot back.

"I know…but take this…Please?"

I think that was the first time she'd said that to…anyone.

"No."

"I know you a/c details so ill just end up putting it in there if you don't. I know you don't want to give me the satisfaction of taking it…but AJ im losing my best columnist here…there is NO satisfaction."

*****

"+++#, +++#, +++#!!" I couldn't believe it, they'd done it, and they made me out to be a total @+@$@*% in the process.

"Justin how did you let this happen?" my manger spoke over the in call speaker.

"I didn't, she….I don't know, she said that she'd try and stop it, I figured she'd have that kind of pull…"

"Well she %%#$!*! clearly didn't!! This is gonna take some SERIOUS damage control you know that don't you?"

"I know…" I went silent and sounded like a sick six year old.

"Ummm…" I knew he was reading what I was."Johnny can y'all fix this?" he was the silent one for a few seconds.

"I can…but just do your job and nothing else for a while. Do you think you could lay low?"

"For how long?"

"Couple of weeks?"

"John, you know the paps are at the entrance of the hotel 24/7 now don't you?"

"So? Move; get an appartment in the city or something? Im sure you and Trace will think of something."

Id been back three days and the third day I open the door to the arrival of the papers. And WHAM, there it was in black and white.

I knew she said she would try and take care of it, but I just assumed they needed her more…So they wouldn't run it. Boy was I wrong?

That meant if she was telling me the truth - and that in it self was a big IF…she'd quit her job.

Jesus. She'd quit…

Or had she? I still had no clue one way or the other?

I decided to find out for myself I called the number at the bottom of the page. A polite man answered.

"Hello, may I speak with Anita James….um King please?"

"Sir?"

"AJ king?"

"Im sorry sir, Miss King no longer works here…That job has been assigned to Mr John Cotts. Do you wish to speak with him?"

She HAD quit…for me?

"Umm no thank you…" as I hung up I just knew, I had to see her again.

AN/ I might have gotten carried away with this manip business!! thoughts on the chapters always welcome lovelies!!

Well another chapter up, Im gonna try and keep the updates are regular or as often as i can - for those of you interested! Enjoy, and let me know what ya think k?

**************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"So what did you do then?" my mother said calmly over the phone.

"I walked out. I cleared my desk and I walked….was it stupid?" okay so yes I was in COMPLETE panic mode - hence the 999 call to mommy dearest.

"No…" she sounded out "I know you weren't happy there dear, so was it rash yes, but in the long run maybe this will benefit you more - give you the incentive that you need to find something more to your tastes.

"I have been looking, in fact I have this interview at 3…it's in PR though…" I said voicing my uncertainty.
Me? PR? No way….was all I kept thinking.

"I see…well if it's what you want then I think its wonderful Anita, I really do! But let's not tell your father just yet shall we…"

I knew what she meant ,my dad, well he was old fashioned and he always worried about me "surviving" on my own.

"Ok mum, well Ill call you if I hear anything okay?"

"Ok dear. Be good."

"Bye…"

Now all I had to do was find something to wear that matched my new Marc Jacob shoes….ooh the decisions.

"Does this go?" I twirled in my two pieces. It consisted on a smart boot cut pant with a thin tank top underneath a fitted jacket. My hair id swept up and let loose - smart but not stuffy…fun but not slutty.
It was the best combination I could come up with.

"I like it, and I love it with the shoes…now if you team that with that prada bag" I held it up before she even finished.

"Yes that's perfect. Aw they'd be mental not to hire you, you know that don't you?"

I nodded weakly.

"I think so….yes, no YES they'd be MENTAL!" I tried to pep myself up before I left.

"Right ive got an hour to get there and its only 20 minutes away from here…but ill give myself time"

"Ok" Rachel looked up from her weekly magazine. "Good luck."

"Thanks!"

I knew she tried to hide it, but Justin was on the cover…it was the picture fi had shown me in her office.

Of course it hurt me, but I wasn't about to let him, or it affect me any more.

When I reached the offices and the endless hallways of doors all the same colour with no one around I was convinced id either A) missed it, or B) got the wrong hallway/date/time…

So I was flustered.

It was just okay that id given myself time. I barely made it to the appointment.

"Anita J king?" the girl whose voice sounded familiar greeted me with a hug.

"Yes?"

She smiled "im Natalie Gold, we spoke on the phone…"

"OH! Im sorry, faces and voices…very nice to meet you…In the flesh any ways…" I shook her hand. And yes I was so nervous my stomach wasn't just flipping it was practically hopping.

"Come in, sit down…" I walked into the dimly, where there was a desk, her seat, another one beside her and then mine.

And oh that's right two television cameras with lights pointed right at me.

Oh. Holy. Jesus.

"right well Anita, even though you're the last person I expected to see here….im glad you are…im just going to ask you a few questions on why you think your right for THIS job over everyone else…Ok?" she sounded so upbeat and peppy. She HAD to have been on drugs.

"Of course."

"Right. First off, what makes you think you are suited to this type of job?"

I sat up right and swallowed, DON'T @+#! THIS UP!

"Well Natalie I think that mostly given my past experience with the newspapers, ive been given A LOT of practice in how to deal with people. Famous people in particular, I always seemed to have had a knack for getting them on my side, getting them to trust and respect me and I think that, that is a serious plus to a job in personal relations….
She smiled then too. Jotted something down as I squinted in the light from the camera.

"Ooook" she looked at her papers and then at me "say someone approached you, a client say, and they had a big skeleton in their closet, something that could RUIN their entire career? What would your advice be? "

"Well that all depends on the scale of this "skeleton" if say it was something drug related I would get them first to deny the allegations and take a strong defence, then id go about finding the witnesses, and if they were willing to go to the papers id simply match the offer of money they'll be offered but they'd have to sign a contract to keep quite… then id work on seeing if any other evidence had been found picture, video - ala Kate moss, you know?"

She smiled, that's good right.

"Well" she said "I like your style…with as you said your past…" she smiled "personally speaking I mean…"

"What?"

She giggled, "Im sorry but I have to ask, do you make it a habit of shagging celebrities?"

"Im sorry?"

"Anita, I know you best as a columnist…reason for leaving your last job?"

Oi, why did we have to go there?

I decided that at this point I didn't really give a +@$+, I was tired and I was in really uncomfortable (yet pretty) shoes. @+#! it.

"Honestly?"

She looked at me, "sure?"

"My boss screwed me over, I had a relationship that she deemed to be "in the publics interest" I didn't, I asked her not to run the story…she did. I quit. That and I just didn't feel comfortable voicing my opinions on people without giving them a chance to talk back - to be honest that's the main appeal of this job! I like challenges, I like confrontation, and I feel with my pig headedness and the ego of celebrity…that the two would cancel each other out and id keep them under the control they all seem to need these days….and as for your first question, NO I don't make it a habit, he…well he was an exception…." I rambled and then calmed down "In…my opinion…"

Her mouth was agape.

"Wow…really?"

"Yes…"

She looked up, and thought. "O holy Jesus…you're THAT girl? Really??? I was just messing with you at first…I thought it was just a coincidence…. "she stopped, as if to compose herself. Sure I knew the effect he had on women, id fallen to that effect.

"Yes, that's the one…"

She blushed.

"Off the record" she smiled "if you have the magnetism to pull and shag someone like THAT? And keep it quite for as long as you did, you have the balls to do this"

"What are you saying" I think I knew but I just wanted her to say it.

"I think im saying…" she clicked off the cameras. "Ill be calling you tomorrow."

"REALLY?" I laughed, more from nerves than anything else.

"Yes, look I think that if you can be honest with me - a complete stranger like that, I know we'll have no worries with you as far as clients are concerned. Now…" she shuffled some papers. "Tell no one, ill have to pitch it with my partner….but we'll need to draw up some contracts and things for you…and there's a waiting list for our company at the moment….the wait will be a minimum of another month or so…is that okay with you?"

"A month?" yes, I had enough savings for a month. "Of course…I look forward to your call."

"Oh my *%!##%# god! How did you do that, How did you manage to B.S your way to a PR job?"

"OI, you said I had it, that id be great!!!!"

"Yes, and I meant it…but I was full of +@$+!" okay so I SHOULD have been insulted, but I was way too happy to care!

"I know, well anyway she said she'd call me tomorrow with the details….ive a month with nothing to do!"

"Lets celebrate!!"

"Duh!" I flipped off my jacket. "Drinks are on me!" ive always wanted to say that. "Ooh." I flipped off my shoes "I just have to scoot to the cash machine first though!"

As I changed and slipped on some trainers I hot footed it to the side of my street, the nearest ATM teller.

That's when the shock hit me. I hadn't got the usual 7 something grand in savings…I had £107-000.

She'd done it, she'd *%!##%# done it!

****

Since my moment of insanity of calling looking for Anita, I tired to snap myself out of it. I tried to just forget and to just do my job - for once.
But I just couldn't let it go. No matter how many women Trace and I picked up…no matter how many clubs we went to being "playboys" just wasn't as much fun as it used to be.
I wanted more, I needed more.
This just wasn't the life I wanted anymore.

"So, that was amazing…" the blonde page three model, named Melina I think her name was, said smiling as I exited my bathroom.

"Yup it was…thanks." I kept it short, no need to lead her on.

"Oh, no problem…" she smiled again, and I just felt like running - again. There was silence.

"Justin?" her dainty British accent sounded again.

"Yes?" I looked over at her, still in my bed might I add, even though I was giving more than enough "subtle" hints to her, that id rather her NOT be there any more - case in point. Id showered and was getting dressed and she was still lying there.

"Have I done something wrong?"

How did someone as easy as her, NOT know what happened now.

I stuffed my head through my previously disregarded t- shirt and I turned to her.

"No, you didn't I did."

"What?"

"Nothin' look I have to go…so…um could you maybe…" I motioned to her clothes, and she seemed to clue on.

"Oh, I get it…it was just sex…and that's it?" she sounded almost upset - but she was so drunk I guess it was hard to tell with all the slurring.

"Yeah that's it…so could you hurry up, im late."

"You have some fuckin' nerve you know that don't you????" She got up and began slipping into her barely there dress and heels.

"Why is that? Because I accepted your advances?"

"No, because you use people. And when they do the same to you…you cry and whine and write @+*@@ music about it…you're a hypocrite!" she was mad; I saw it in her eyes. I should have cared, but I just didn't have the strength to do that any more.

I just didn't care. "Yeah that's right sweetheart, IM the fraud here…." I looked her up and down with disgust "Congratulate your surgeon -he did a bang up job on both tits, and that nose of yours."

She huffed, flipped her hair and stormed out of my hotel room. I laced up my shoes and headed for Trace.

"She's gone?"

"Yup…" I nodded opening his mini bar "done and dusted…so to speak, hey you have any roasted peanuts in here?"

"No I ate um…"

I gave up and sat back down again "you wanna head out again or what?"

"Justin, its 4am…sure I cant sleep but it don't mean I got the energy to up sticks and leave again…man the clubbing to the late hours is getting old…"

"Or you're getting old…" I remarked.

"@+#! you…"

"@+#! you too!" I mimicked "Look im bored!! I can't sleep and I need something to occupy my mind."

He stood up and handed me his laptop.

"Whats…"

"The internet…go soothe your ego for while! Google yourself…" he smirked and led me out the door.

"Is that some sexual thing I don't know about yet??"

Good god is this what my life was reduced too. I had to make a change.

And soon.

****

"So you have everything then?"

"I think so…I still can't believe that I got it so fast. It's an amazing house."

"Ive seen the pictures remember? I think it's wonderful you've finally decided to use that money."

"I know…I still feel guilty about it though, I mean it is guilt money."

"No, see I don't look at it that way. I think it's just something to help you start this new chapter in your life. That's what I think."

"Miss positive."

"No really…but I think at times like these it helps more than being negative! So I think ill see you in three weeks. Ready and recharged to start this new job of yours."

I rolled my eyes "that's the theory any way…" I grabbed my bags as I heard the honk of the taxi. "See ya."

I bought a house with the money I was given - forced to take from Fi. It was a large country house with all the original architecture and fixtures and fittings. It was really beautiful. Surrounded by land and just - nothing in essence and that's what I needed.

Peace and quite and sometime alone.

It took me three hours driving to get there; I picked up my rental car and paid my taxi, and just drove.

Thinking all the way there. What I wanted, what I needed more than anything else… and just where in the hell my life was going from here.

As it was the middle of February the weather was still shitty, but with dabs of sunshine in between all the rain, which was just setting when I hit the property. I just couldn't wait to get settled in, and comfortable.

It looked wonderful on paper. But even more so in person.

As I dropped my bags in the hallway, I was greeted my Tomas - realtor, slash - neighbour.

"AJ king?"

"That's me…Hi, nice to meet you. Tom is it?"

"Yes, that's me! You made it okay then?" he took one of my bags for me.

"Apart from the mid day traffic it was fine - thank god."

He nodded "well you don't have to worry about that around here. The village is quite down the road. And the town is only really busy on the weekends."

Id passed both when I got lost. And yes the deadness is just what I needed in contrast to the hustle of the city.

"Oh that's not a problem."

"Right well let me show you around your new home…"

"Holiday…" I inserted.

"Holiday home it is then." He smiled as he showed me the kitchen, the living rooms (yes rooms) all with wide open fireplaces and long bay windows.

Three bedrooms, two bathrooms. Pure heaven, and for the price, a steal.

"Well" he concluded "im just over the way…" he pointed out my kitchen window, and over the way meant a space of a rather large field. "If you need anything, you know where I am…"

"Thank you…oh one more thing? The phones? Are they hooked up yet?"

His smiled faded a little "um, no that's the one thing we were having problems with. The service is bad here, so they are installing new connections to all homes next week, but um…mobile phone service should be fine, depending on the network and all…but um there are phones in town if you need them in a hurry."

Hurry? It was a ten minute drive? "Oh okay well thanks again tom…" he nodded and walked out.

Leaving me to my own devices.

Rain, *%!##%# rain, is it ALL it did in this country? I swear I saw the sun shine twice in almost 5 months.

This was insane. I was becoming pasty and gaunt looking. It was straight to Hawaii after I got done here. It was the only solution.

"So you have another week off? Do you EVER work?" My mother said over the phone.

"Hey now. Its not my fault the damn weather screwed up and flooded the *%!##%# set, now is it? Noooo"

"Trace is coming home then?"

"Yeah he's gotten bored, and apparently the girl he was tapping, snapped her whip. He's leaving tomorrow." I looked over at him as he grinned; packing his +@$+ and amazing speed - just dying to get out of here.

Lucky bastard.

"She can snap her whip at me ANYTIME!" he laughed.

My mother continued to talk, I wasn't really listening.

"Dude, you just hung up on her?"

"She'll get over it; I have to ask you something…"

"Sure."

"This chick you're seeing. Are you sure you can trust her?"

"What? Justin, you are now officially PARA-noid. Yes I trust her; we're just kickin it…."

That's what he thinks, she's probably just waiting to get her claws into him, and royally @+#! him up.

"Uh huh…you sure though?"

He sighed. "Is this about that newspaper girl again? Dude get over it already! Im sure she has!"

"I don't know that…" I huffed.

"You haven't called her? Even after you knew she quit her job - for you! Cold man…cold."

"She doesn't know I know she's quit."

"So? Call her, tell her you know whats she's done, and that you want to apologise for branding her a lying $$+@+."

"She did lie!"

"Which she repented for, dude she gave up her *%!##%# career to PROVE that it meant less to her than you, and I think that has to stand for something."

"You've never even met her, how do you know this all of a sudden?"

"Ok" he put his hands up "I don't know her from +@$+, but I know…hell I SEE the effect she's had on you this last month, and it aint pretty. So that means she meant SOMETHING to you, other than sex, other than booty, other than all the useless excuses you've made for it over this last month man…and to be honest im tired of it. So im leaving. And your gonna be here alone, unless you call her and just…talk!"

Damn, when did he get sense…he's never had any before!

"I…I don't think I can Trace."

"Why not?"

"She might not wanna see me. What then?" he's the other person other than my parent's id ever be this honest with.

"Then you're no worse off than you are now."

Ok so I knew he was right, I knew I needed that dreaded word - closure, or else id be stuck in this bitter limbo forever.

It seemed like it any way.

So yeah id go see her, I wouldn't call, id go.

As I walked up her pathway way I remember feeling nervous, more nervous that id done in a long time. Usually when it came to women, I had my game down. But she was different, I hadn't treated her the best, id left her when I discovered the truth in a blaze of hurt and bruised pride. But she was still her, sure she'd told one lie - a significant one ill grant you. But it wasn't a factor now, she'd quit.

I knocked and waited. What seemed like forever for someone to answer?

"Hello?" her roommate's eyes widened again, poor thing.

"Hi…uh Rachel?"

"Hi…"

"Is um…Anita there?"

She squinted, like she wasn't sure id just said what id said.

"Anita? Are you sure?"

"Look I know a lot of shits gone down…but id really like a chance to talk to her…is she in?"

"No…"

"Please, look I just want to tell her im sorry."

She shook her head, I assumed it to be some "sisterhood thing" and that's why she was denying me access to her friend.

"No Justin, she's really not here."

"Okay. Well then do you know where she is?"

She rolled her eyes "Look mr, you may be who you are and all and you may think that you can just use and abuse people like they're +@$+. But Anita is my friend and I won't have you hurting her again!!"

WOW.

"I…"

"NO! Okay do you know what she went through when you said those things? She didn't get dressed for days! You really messed with her heart!"

"Well she messed with mine!" ok I get how pathetic that sounded.

"SO? That gives you the pass to do it to her? Mature…You %@*%."

"Look where is she? I mean I could stand here and apologise

to you both we both know that would doing it to the wrong person, So please just tell me where she is!?"

"You promise you wont mess with her this time!" she folded her arms.

"I promise you Rachel, I just want to talk to her, that's all."

She chewed her lip, "fine. Ill tell you. But you better be good to her this time Timberlake!"

When she rhymed off just exactly where she was, it took me a while to realise - yeah I knew where she was, just getting there would be the problem. I had no idea where there was, I needed a driver, and apparently a map.

Ill admit, it wasn't easy. Even my new driver Sean had bother telling up from down on those new digital maps. Man I missed the navigational +@$+ we had in the states.

Id be lost with out it, no pun intended.

"You sure this is it Justin?" he looked back at me from the driver seat.

"It's what the address says, but this IS the back end of nowhere….I don't get it?" it was, truly the middle of nowhere.

What in the hell was little miss metropolitan doing here in Hicksville?

"Ok, well if your sure this is it, then great… will I wait or go into that little town and check in somewhere?" he asked. "I get paid by the hour from the hotel…so I encourage you to take your time." He smiled.

"Umm, ill go see if it is actually her and if so, go ahead? Sound good?"

"You'll call right?"

"Oh of course." I pointed to my cell "wish me luck."

The property was insane. Big wide fields surrounded it. It was old looking, but it definitely had character.

I knocked on the big red farm house door. And I waited.

Just as the skies opened for the third time that day, it was after 7pm. I hoped she'd be home.

I heard shuffling and then I heard the click of the latch.

And there she was. Eyes wide, with shock....
"Justin?"

"Hey Anita…"

"Justin? What the hell are you doing…HERE?" I looked him up and down, at first not fully convinced it was him.

"I…umm" he laughed nervously. "I just really needed to see you."

I folded my arms, as the rain began to pour. "Is that right? Why?"

He shoved his hands in his jean pockets "I know what you did. At your job…at the paper. I know that you quit."

"And?"

"And, I just really wanted to…" he coughed "Apologise."

He wanted to what now?

Oh. My. God.

"I see. Well then, you better come in."

I let him in, mainly because I was starting to freeze standing on the door step.

"This is a really nice place… I remember you saying you always wanted a country place. What made you buy it?"

Oh so now he wanted to make small talk? What the hell was he on?

"I got my severance from work, when I quit…so I added it to my "house" fund and wa-la im here. For the next month."

"Why a month?"

"Look Justin, what are you doing here? I haven't seen or even spoken to you in what? Six weeks? And suddenly you show up out of the blue like this? I mean how you even knew I was here is anyone's guess…"

"Rachel."

Im going to kill her.

"Why come looking now?"

He looked so uncomfortable.

"Anita, the truth is…I missed you."

He what now?

"I missed being around you, I missed hearing your voice…I just missed you."

I knew I blushed at that - no matter how much I didn't want to.

"Justin…"

"No, look I was an asshole. I know that, and I really needed you to know that I am sorry for how I acted when you told me."

"You had every right to hate me, I knew you would. I set myself up for it from the start but I just felt...I loved being with you, and I think that clouded my judgement..."

"Yeah?" he smiled.

"I loved being with you, even when we weren't doing anything, it was just…Nice? You know? Id been alone and isolated in my own little world for so long, that I think your company just....well it was nice."

He nodded. Then there was a small bust of sheer silence.

It was weird.

"Justin, you know im sorry too don't you? For lying to you, about what I did. I know I should have been up front…but had I been I would never….I wouldn't have never gotten to know you?"

"Im glad you lied." He admitted, shocking me.

"Huh?"

He laughed and stood up. "Anita, I know that in my line of work there is a certain amount of "acting" that goes into creating a persona….one that people will relate to but also look up too…I do it every day, I bend the truth to fit MY public profile. You already had a public profile - with people in the business, and they hated you. You didn't want me to tar you with the same brush….I get that now. I do."

I was speechless.

"So you lied about your job, you didn't lie about anything else did you?" he raised his eye brows at me. "I mean you don't have a husband and two kids stashed away somewhere do you?" he laughed, as did I.

"No…"

"See…Not so bad then, in retrospect and all that, now is it?"

To be honest I was completely thrown, not only by his showing up. But by his attitude? I mean he was so cool about everything id done…I was convinced he was either high or drunk - or both?

"I don't get this AT all…that night…you were so….hurt and you hurt me! To be honest I never thought id see you again…"

He took a deep breath, "and to be honest with you, I never thought I wanted to see you again, your right I was SO angry with you, I branded you just like the others that had screwed me over and laughed about it in the papers….I really did…"

"Something changed I assume?"

"Yes…" he smiled "I realised what a pigheaded asshole I was being. I knew you, just like you knew me…you liked me because of me…" he blushed " id hoped, that it wasn't because of my job…I had a lot of time to think at home, and when I came back here I tried to get you out of my system…" he trailed off.

"By shagging half of London?"

"Something like that" he flushed for definite this time. "It's not something im proud of Anita. But I figured fuck it - if im pegged a playboy I may as well act like one…"

"But?"

"But, it didn't work. They weren't you? They didn't hold a candle to you Anita. And I realised…just as my job doesn't define me, yours definitely doesn't define you…"

Remember what I said about him being able to charm the knickers off a nun? This would be one of those times.

But I was determined to stay strong. I wasn't that easy, a few sweet words and BAM I was his…No sir.

"Well see I knew that, and had you given me bloody time to explain it I would HAVE!"

"I know and im sorry I acted like an idiot…"

"Acted, no honey you WERE an idiot!! I mean really Justin, did you really honestly think that id be so spiteful as to write an exposé on you, INCLUDING myself? No, I wouldn't have done that; I have a little bit of respect!"

I stood up then, matching his stance.

"I Know and im sorry…"

"GOD! Stop apologising! I liked you better as a selfish bastard!" I stormed off into the kitchen.

"What the hell is your problem, I came here to say sorry for the way I treated you ALL the way to fucking no man land, and THIS is what I get? Thanks a fuckin lot Anita!"

"Justin im glad you've come to realise what a total prick you were, and im thankful for that…but what I want to know is why? Why someone like you, is here with little old me…practically on his knees begging me to forgive him."

"No one is on there knees here baby…" he stood up to me. Almost backing me against the worktops. "yet"

I stood hands on hips - suddenly either very mad at him or extremely turned on by the pouty face he was pulling.

"What exactly did you see happening here? Once you said your piece…what then?" I asked him, managing to break his hypnotic stare.

He licked his lips and moved away from me, shifting his stare out the window.

"I don't know. In my head I guess I thought you'd forgive me…"

As I reached out for his arm, I turned him to me again. "I have…hell ive even forgiven myself…if you can believe that?" I smiled, hoping to make him feel more at ease with me.

"And that's all I can ask of you right now isn't it."

"What do you mean?"

He shuffled his feet. Then looked up at me again.

But this time he didn't say anything, he just looked from my eyes down to my lips and the at my eyes again.

See, I knew his moves…he thought he was being all smooth and sexy by looking at me with the whole "aren't my eyes sexy" well he had another thing coming if he thought he'd just be able to kiss me, after everything id went through for him.

Then again his eyes were sexy, and lets face it he was smooth, and id missed being kissed. More to the point I missed being kissed by him.

So as he moved in closer to me. Still with his mouth slightly parted, those lips still ever so slightly moist. I froze.

But as those same lips landed on mine, I remembered how to breathe again.

His hand slipped over my side, around my back and up into my hair as he finally backed me against the counters.

I don't ever remember a kiss that took my breath away, made my head spin, and my body tingle all at the same time.

Never, but now - most definitely.

****
I honestly never intended to kiss her. But she was just standing there, all powerful and mad at me.

With so much passionate conviction in her eyes that, even that was a factor in her hotness.

Her skin was hot, not just body heat hot - she was just as turned on as I was.

I felt her hands at my sides, she was slowly inching them towards the hem of my sweater. Her hands were cold, her hands were always cold - I bet it had something to do with this country's damn weather. I felt those cold hands hit me when they slid up and rested on my sides.

I had to admit, I always thought I was past the goose bumps stage with woman, but somehow with her, I got them all the time. That and the butterflies that were currently swarming my system with anticipation.

I didn't know where I wanted this to go; I didn't know where she wanted this to go. But the truth is all I was wanting at that second was for her NOT to stop kissing me.

I missed her kisses.

But like a self fulfilling prophecy - the second I thought it, it happened. She stopped kissing me. Her hand went from my waist to my lips as she stepped back

"Wait, wait…what the bloody hell are you doing…what am I doing!! What are WE doing!!" her bit her bottom lip and walked away from me.

"Has it been that long since you've been kissed?" I tried to joke my way out of the awkwardness.

She just rolled her eyes…well I tried.

"Nita, why'd you stop…." I approached her again.

"Don't do this to me again okay…I have only SO much self control and this…is REALLY testing It."

"Why'd you stop…?" I reiterated.

"Why'd you start?? Justin this is NOT ok…ok?" she was completely freaked out. It was almost sexy.

"Why?" I asked again with a smug grin that I was sure was appearing.

"Because I lied, I hurt you…then you left…you're not supposed to come back? I mean it's just not supposed to happen!" She ran her fingers through her hair again.

I had to laugh, mainly because this was whole new side of her. I was so used to seeing the cool side, the one that was logical and sane. This side was panicked, nervous and crumbling by the second.

"Who's to say what is supposed to and not supposed to happen? Look ill be honest with you, when I left - I wanted to hate you, I really did. But I just couldn't. I tired everything to try and just get you out of my head - drinking, getting high, and getting laid…but none of it worked. You were still instilled in here, and I figured the only way for me to stop thinking about you, would be to see you again…"

"And now?"

"Well now that im here, im kinda being greedy. I don't just want to see you, I want to touch you too…but you seem to have a problem with that…." I smiled.

"I…I..." oh yeah she was definitely panicking "ugh, I hate that you do this to me…"

"Do what?" I stepped up to her and as I had her against the sink she just laughed.

"No, No, No!!!" she said in a stronger more serious voice than before "I wont let this happen! I don't want this to happen" her voice remained strong.

I just moved in for her neck.

"Aw come on…im break-in ya down I can tell…" I laughed at her reaction.

"NO!"

Before I could play along and answer her again something…someone had swung me around by reaching for my shoulder.

Some man, some unexpected man, who before I could even blink he'd punched me in the nose!

I heard a scream, from Anita I assumed.

"WHAT THE HELL DO THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!" I heard as I held my now bleeding nose. "Tomas what have you done!!"

I opened my eyes as I laid on the floor. "You know this guy?"

"Yes, yes he's my neighbour…TOMAS! This is Justin…he's a friend of mine!!!"

I saw the embarrassment flash in his eyes.

"Oh…oh, im so sorry…I heard you saying…the, the door was open…I just wanted to see if you needed anything from town…" he was clearly flustered.

"Yeah" I added in "a doctor, I think you broke my fucking nose!"

as Anita fussed with a damped cloth and ice she looked at this "Tomas" - clearly a player. All tall and strapping. Kinda like in one of those dirty novels, you know the stable boy or something…all tall and stuff. Shifty too, clearly what a load of bull "the door was open" uh, yeah after YOU jimmied it open that's is.

"Anita, im sorry I thought he was hurting you."

And now for some reason she just thought that was fucking hilarious. Hence all the loud laughing.

"Justin? Hurt me? Physically, you've got to be joking…Id wipe the floor with him first."

Why is it she seemed more British when she was being mean….must be a Simon cowell thing?

"Yeah thanks Anita?" I looked at her from underneath the ice pack she'd handed me.

"Im sorry Tomas, but I really think it'd be best if you went now…."

"Yeah, BYE tom." I added sarcastically as she walked the idiot to the door, which hopefully she'd lock this time.

"Justin there was no need to be rude!" she scolded.

"EX-cuse me! Im not the one that punched people, im the one with the blood gushing from his damn nose here Anita! How was I NOT meant to be rude?"

"He was genuinely just worried about me!" she argues back.

"Ooh sure…"

"What? He's a nice man…" she examined my nose again; I liked that even if she was arguing with me she was still taking care of me.

"Nice man looking for some ass…"

"Justin, don't judge ALL men by YOUR standards please." She moved over my knees as I sat on one of her kitchen chairs, as she examined my nose.

"Ooh Anita, one was just wondering if one could get one anything from the shops…one…" I mocked in my best snotty English accent. She just ignored me.

"It doesn't look broken, is it still sore?"

She was really close to me then, just looking at me. Straight in the eyes.

I knew she was waiting on an answer. But I was enjoying her current positioning too much to want her to move. All I had to do was grab her hips and she'd be on my lap - no escape.

But if I did that I was sure id definitely end up with a broken nose, and maybe even a fat lip.

"Justin? Is it still sore?"

"Uhh a little…just gonna keep this ice for a little while longer….thanks."

She moved away from me then. "Okay, let's go into the sitting room. It's a little too cold out here."

"Too cold for what?" I asked suggestively, again looking for that fat lip.

She just rolled her eyes as well as her hips as she walked in front of me to the other room.

******

The last thing I expected to be doing with anyone let alone him, was talking intensively in front of a big roaring fire. That night all I really had planned was dinner, a book and bed.

My night definitely took a turn.

"So what did your boss say when you said you'd quit?"

I rolled my eyes, "ugh, she didn't think id do it…then well, I proved her wrong. I told her that what happened with you and me? Well it was private and that it held no interest to the public what so ever…and that id do it if she ran it. She called a meeting the day I did finally leave. She told me she'd done it. GOD I was so fucking pissed at her; I almost whacked her one…."

He smiled.

"Id have paid to see that!"

"Wish I had! But anyway, she just sat there all smug then she offered me £100-000 "severance"

"Wow…"

"I know, I think in her own way it was her guilt she was paying for. She and I had been close at one point when her marriage broke up…but then it just changed…"

"Did you take the money?"

"You're sitting in it!" I smiled "I invested it to this as well as the other 100 grand I had in waiting. Id always wanted a place here…and her guilt money helped me I guess. And other than that I just needed to get away from London for a little bit. I feel like I was becoming a little too cynical!"

See now the thing is, I should have been feeling weird. I should have been feeling a lot of things when he was around me like this - guilt being one of them.

Only this time it was different. He KNEW all about me now. I wasn't hiding anything from him.

It felt so good to not have to alter my stories, or my friends, or things id done just to suit my identity.

I just me, for the first time ever with him.

It felt fan - bloody - tastic.

"Anita, just how big is this place?" he looked around the living room for starters.

"It's pretty big. Do you want a tour? Ive been dying to show this place off. But since my friends don't arrived for another two weeks, im afraid im stuck with just me and the cat from next door."

"Sure…"

"Well you've already seen the living room, its late 18th century design, I think it was once owned and farmed by the town lord."

"You know your history don't you?" he smiled as we made our way up the staircase.

"Im not a geek, I just did my research that's all…. This is the first of two bathrooms. This one was the original, the second down stairs was put in a few decades ago, and this" I approached the first of three bedrooms.

"Is the first bedroom." I offered him, opening the door wide so he could see the view.

"Wow! This place has an amazing…what is that?"

"Its just local landscape…but it's been crafted this last few years. Pretty?"

"Amazing…" he stood, hands in pockets again, just looking around the room…talk about awkward.

The air was getting tipped with a slight nerve when I just decided to break the silence. "Ok, moving on…" I walked out of the room before him, as I tried to take a breath.

See the thing was, I still wasn't quite over the whole "kissing in the kitchen" thing, infact I was just being weird - playing hard to get, and then it all went to hell. Because he was still as hot as ever, if not hotter since id really seen and felt what he looked like naked, and id already had him - therefore I knew what I was missing. So it was all very wearing on my hormones, being this close to him, him smelling so nice -as always, and me? Well I was just being my usual horny self and was having a difficult time not jumping him.

Having been through the other bedroom and the other bathroom the only other place left was what I considered MY room.

See, I just didn't think that was the best idea given my circumstance.

"So whats in here?" mr peppy-i- wanna -see - everything added coming to my door.

"Oh, that? That's just…Nothing I think we should go down stairs…" I turned to move away.

"Anita, is this your bedroom sweetheart?"

No, he didn't just call me that.

"W- Well, its…I…"

"Cant I see inside?"

"No, it's a mess and its just not the best of ideas lets go down stairs."

"I don't mind mess…" he reached for the handle.

"NO!" I stepped in front of him.

"Really, its not…that interesting. Really just boring old…" I was turning red and I hadn't even done anything wrong.

"Why wont you let me see inside this room, but ALL the others were okay?"

Because if I let you in this room it's going to take all my will power not to rip your expensive clothes off. That's why Mr Timberlake.

"Because im hungry now and I want to eat…"

Pathetic, I know I am, no need to judge.

He placed his hand over mine, which still gripped onto the handle of the door. As he did his face inched closer and closer to mine.

My knees felt weak, as he gave me "the look", you know the look every man gives a girl when he wants to know if it's okay or not to kiss you? Yes, that look.

*****

With his hot breath on her face, she felt ever shiver that went from her finger tips right down to her spine and below. He had that big of an effect on her, so much so that she had to lean against the doorframe in order to stay upright.

He wasn't without felling either, the same shivers he knew she felt, he felt them too. There was no denying the fact that he wanted her? It was always a factor with him, he always wanted her, no matter what she had done or said the same fact remained.

She was his.

No matter if she knew it or not, but she was.

She had felt for him, and fell for him all at once. She never allowed herself to admit it, until that night.

That night when he had her back against her bedroom door, those amazingly captivating baby blue eyes, just staring right into her soul.

She was falling in love with him….

She let him kiss her, she let him in.

He gently took her hand from the handle of the door, and took it in his own, as he bent down to reach her height. He gently let his lips touch hers, not with force or passionate want, but with just the intent - of touch.

It was all he thought about, those nights when he would dream about her. All he wanted to do was touch her lips, and want her to want him to touch her.

He had that now, and it all seemed like such a long time ago.

Finally she moved to open the room door, as they both stumbled inside backwards. Both unwilling to let each other go.

"I knew id get to see in here eventually!" he smiled as he walked with her. Not noticing anything except her roaring open fire….In her bedroom?

"It's an old house remember? This sort of thing was a must in the 1800's…." She smiled still sprouting off facts.

"Anita…"

"What?" he moved to her, slipping his hands under her shirt.

"Shhh…." He kissed her again, this time only breaking away to pull her top over her head. As she moved to reciprocate to him.

"Justin…"

"Humm?" he didn't respond to her, instead he worked on the soft trail of kisses he was planting on her neck.

"Uh, shit I forgot what I was going to say."

"Good" he smirked. She was breathless and all he was doing was kissing her. She didn't want to rush things because at this rate, things for HER would be done and dusted very soon.

She had to slow herself down.

So she stepped back. Nothing but the flickering light from the fire illuminating them both.

"Whats wrong?" he asked, standing there topless, ruby glow covering him from the flames of the fire.

"Nothin…" she took her breath. "Nothing..." and smiled allowing him to embrace her again.

As she slid her hands south of his neck that she had her arms wrapped right around.

His jeans were the tight fitting ones; the ones that made it actually look like he HAD an arse.

He didn't.

But she proceeded to slip her fingers underneath the waist band, feeling his hot torso beneath them. As she unbuttoned them, taking the zipper in her hands then too. Pulling it south to allow him freedom from the restriction of the denim.

As she got back to her normal height again, he was just staring at her, fully turned on and with those dark eyes…it made it impossible not to want to jump his bones.

As he shed her skirt that covered her bottom half he took her completely in his arms - taking her to the bed.

The usual haze of events took over as the rest of each of their garments was discarded. With each loving kiss, touch, graze they worked each up, and brought each other right back down again. From the heights of passion, to the relaxing atmosphere of simply each other.

In the end isn't that all that matter?

$$$$$$$$$

Something woke him; he wasn't quite sure what it was. But he was now fully awake.

It was only 6:45.

She was still out to the world, just laying there looking completely at ease - comfortable.

He remembered what had happened as vivid memory after vivid memory floated through his head. He also remembered her just smiling, as she took her place in his arms.

It felt right.

It was the most sleep he had gotten since she had left. When she did, he just didn't feel at ease enough to sleep. Not alone, not with anyone else….the level of comfort he got when he was with her? It was beyond description. He just felt, so at ease with not only himself, but with everyone and everything.

It was a nice feeling of contentment.

He was almost surprised that all his deep loud thinking didn't wake her, but it didn't. She was still out cold.A strand of her highlighted hair fell about her face, as she lightly took her breathes.He loved her. He realised it then. That's why he'd taken it so hard when she lied. His mother was right (as always) she was right when she said I was falling for her, I was…I did. I just didn't exactly catch on.

But he was sill so uncertain of so many things concerning her? Whether or not he loved her the lives they both led were very different. She was based here year around. He was in different parts of the world almost every month.

It wasn't an environment that was giving to a new relationship that clearly would need work to succeed.

He wasn't even sure if that's what she wanted. It was something that he had unconsciously yearned for, for the longest time. But he wasn't sure if she shared his thoughts.

Perhaps she did and they could embark together on a step by step relationship that would ultimately lead them both to happiness, but then again maybe she didn't? What then?

"Morning…." He heard as a hand touched his cheek, snapping him out of his daze.

"Hi…you slept well?"

"I did…" she smiled sappily "you?"

"Better than I had in a long time…thank you."

She scooted herself up onto her stack of pillows, so that she was sitting up right. "Justin? Are you going to get in trouble?"

"For what?"

"Aren't you supposed to be at work or something?" her distinctly British accent took over his ears again

"Naw, on set issues. They've had to postpone for a few days till they get things up and running again."

"Jinxed, I think so…" at that we just looked at each other….not for nothing in particular, but just to…look.

"I missed you Justin." She admitted biting her lip, "I just missed you."

"Aw…baby" I mocked, I knew it was hard for her to be as she called it "sappy" but she always took the piss outta me for it.

"You're an arse you know that!!" she hit me and went to get out of the bed.

"No, No…im sorry… you were saying…" I tried to pull her in again but she wasn't having any of it.

"NO! The moments gone now, you Wanker!" She grabbed her jeans and slipped them on, as well as a tank top. Underwear less.

Interesting.

"Aw come on you know I was only "taking the piss!" I added in her accent. Badly I may add.

"Nope…sorry it's done…you ruined my mood." She waved her hand and made her way out of the room. I knew by the grin she was fighting that she wasn't serious. Thank god.

About five minutes later, as I exited her bathroom I smelt the wonderful enticing smell of bacon.

I was starving, so I decided to follow my nose.

"Something sure smells good."

She looked over her shoulder. "That would be me, but im also making us some breakfast. You hungry?"

"I am now….what you making?"

"Sausages, bacon, eggs….basically whatever the fuck was in the fridge, im starving too."

"Sounds good…." I backed up behind her placing one singular kiss on her neck. "I missed you too…for real."

"Good." She sounded bumping past me with her ass. "Coffee? Tea?"

"Coffee, please…"

As I sat at her family sized table, just looking at her, as she served up the grease feast on the two plates she has set out. She was smiling. This wasn't a smile I remember seeing from her. This one made its way all the way to her eyes, making them sparkle.

I felt somewhat proud at the thought that maybe I had something to do with that smile being attached to her pretty face.

"What?" she asked gazing curiously as she handed me my plate. Followed by my coffee.

"Nothin'" I grinned, I just couldn't help myself. "I just didn't know this side of you…hot, sexy….and a lil nifty with a skillet! I could not be more turned on…"

She laughed "so the old tale 'a way to a mans heart….' That's true in your case is it Justin?"

"Yes ma'am." I nodded accordingly and dug into my toast and eggs first.

There was a small, comfortable silence as we both ate. It seemed the only time either of us were quite was when we were either eating or sleeping.

I liked that we didn't feel the need to fill every silence. Even then, in the beginning, well the do over if you will. That's how I looked at it at least.

Then out of nowhere, she let loose one solitary giggle.

"What was that for?" I asked mid munch.

"Nothing…it's just…" she fought the smile "this should be an awkward time shouldn't it? I mean you and I? We just….well it's kind of really fucked up? You know?"

"No, I don't? Whats 'fucked up' about it Nita?" she blushed, even though she tried to make it look like she wasn't bothered.

"We just spend the night….we…you know, and now? I mean things SHOULDN'T'T be this…comfortable, should they? I mean we're not a couple we're not…anything really." She talked so fast it almost made his head spin, but damn, she was right. I guess I did get too caught up in the fairytale.

Don't tell anyone I just used that word.

I put down my coffee mug and reached out for her hand. "Well, let's fix that right now shall we?"

I knew by the shocked look on her face and the hesitancy of the way she took my hand that she was slowly freaking out.

"Justin I…."

"No…Okay we had sex…a LOT last night." She smiled and then she blushed. It was too cute. "But clearly we have a past that isn't just going to go away. Nor would I want it to…."

"You wouldn't?"

I giggled then, "No in case you hadn't noticed we did a lot of good shit then too…some of that stuff I don't ever want to forget."

"Ok…"

"So basically it's the what now thing right?" she nodded.

"Right, well I think im gonna leave that up to you…."

She squinted "god, why?"

"Because I trust you…."

****
Wait did he just say what I think he said….he trusts me?

Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph…

"You do?"

"Of course I do. Your not hiding anything are you? I mean no murderers or metal family members intent on hunting me down for treating you so shitty?"

I laughed out loud caressing his hand. "No absolutely not…you know all my dirty little secrets."

He raised his eyebrow in that suggestively sexy way he does "No, I don't know ALL of those…but ill get there eventually. I promise!"

Dontgetgiddy, dontgetgiddy….

"Anita you're here for a month right?"

"Well…the plan was to come here, leave London and regroup before I um started working again….but that was mainly an excuse for me to lie here and eat myself into a oblivion, till I got over you…now? Well ive gotten under you more than anything else…" I added smiling wickedly.

He laughed as did I. I liked the air between us then, just sitting talking - honestly.

I realised then it was something that I missed when I got to know him the first time, the honest factor in the whole thing. It was something I yearned for even though I didn't realise it at the time.

Being myself, straightforward - flaws and all. It was something I was really looking forward too.

"Anita?"

"Humm?"

"um…well…look im gonna tell you that I think that…even though things have happened again with us really, really quickly….i mean I show up and then wham….you know?"

"Ummhumm…"

"Well" he sighed, standing up he looked really nervous "I mean I don't want you think that just because things happened with us…"

"Justin for god's sake just say we shagged okay? It's just us here you know?" I added, hoping to get him out of his nervous funk.

"Okay, that we…had sex but I don't want you to think that just because THAT happened again so fast that I want to jump into this so fast?"

Am I the only one starting to get a headache from all this round about bullshit?

"Justin, are you saying you don't want to be with me again? Is that what you're saying?"

"NO" he looks like I just slapped him, but isn't that what he meant?

"Then what do you mean? Im a little confused here?"

"I mean I don't want to…."

"Justin?"

"Yeah?" he was flushed, like I can't even tell you. His sudden "freak out" as he'd put it, striked me as cute but also very unnecessary.

"Please calm down, im not looking for a definition of what just happened right now okay?"

"Your not?"

"No…I mean I like you - A LOT! And I think you like me too."

"A LOT!" he added with animated eyebrows - so cute.

"a lot, so id like to think that we'd only be with each other from now on….but if that's not something you can do for me then…"

"No, no I don't want to be with anyone else Anita, your MORE than enough…but isn't that more or less a definition?" he smiled. "Are we 'exclusive' now or something?"

"I dunno? Do you want us to be 'exclusive' Mr Timberlake?" okay so the conversation had taken a turn from serious to - sexy playful? Those glances, his damn lips. It all got very flirty and a lot less heavy and serious thank God.

He sipped the orange juice that id given him. And just sat back, with a smug look dancing across his pretty face.

"Maybe I do…maybe I don't?"

"Really?" I mimicked his position. "Well don't rush your decision now, whatever you do don't do that!"

"Oh don't worry I wont." He sipped again. His eye contact never once faltering with mine. Its funny, I was never a woman that considers herself in any shape or form "easy". But ill tell you, one of those "come hither" looks from him, and I was mush. It was pathetic really - a self confessed feminist and here I was fantasizing and all I was given was a look.

"Anita?" God I loved the way his accent came out when he said my name….wait my name…

"Yes?" all I really wanted at the minute - you know besides him on the table? Was to find my brains again, id gone all silly and id been staring. NOT a good thing when you're trying to be "cool".

"You were spaced off there for a second? Something up?"

I didn't say anything; I just walked to his side of the table, and reached for his hand.

I think that my intentions became clear when we reached the foot of the stair case again.

That's when his smile deepened.

"Aw I see…you don't like talkin no more…"

"Not right now anyway…" I added as I took him into my room again.

And I think you can guess where we went from there on in.

*****

"What time are you being picked up?" she shouted from the shower that I had just exited.

"The car's coming at 4….I think?"

"Four…oh okay."

As I dried myself off with one of her many pink bath towels, I looked around her bedroom. We'd hardly left it, or her house in the two days that id been there.

Now im not complaining don't even think that. It was amazing, she was A-mazing. Of course the past was weighing on her, I knew that. She still felt insanely guilty over the whole "lying" thing.

But I was honestly over it, I knew one thing and one thing only - my life was better with her in it, rather that out of it.

I was willing and able to fully get past any of the issues that she had with that. But the only trouble is, I don't think she's willing to let go of that guilt.

Since id shown up with just the clothes on my back, it was getting difficult to stay - I was beginning to stink.

Thankfully she washed my shit for me, and I showered any day old ickyness away - with her. Of course.

"Your shirt and jeans are in the dryer, and um…" she came into my view surrounded by a cloud of steam from the bathroom "your underwear's in there too I think." She smiled "next time you come to visit, bring luggage will ya?"

"Well, excuse me…I didn't know id be staying, or "visiting" your highness. Hell I didn't even think you'd see me, let alone beg me to stay."

"AHEM!" she coughed sarcastically, how anyone coughs sarcastic I don't know, but she did. "There was no begging you Wanker; the only begging I remember was coming from YOU. Pop star, so shut it!"

"Or what?"

"Or….Ill never…kiss you again."

"Liar!" I approached her wrapping myself around her, pulling her closer until we were both towel to towel.

"Nope, I could manage it…I could hold out on you…"

"Never, you love my kisses too much!"

"Nope!" she smiled rolling her eyes "I think you'll find that it's MY kisses that you love not the other way around. And besides, im a woman I have much more self control than you."

I had to laugh at her lapse memory "is that so?" she nodded. "Really?" again she nodded, her wet hair falling into her eyes.

I blew it away, "then why oh WHY do I recall someone that looked an awful lot like you DRAGGING me from the kitchen, up here yesterday and announced that you had to have me….how's that for self "control" "

She blushed "I was a woman in heat, what can I say" she laughed out loud. I liked her laugh, it was infectious.

"You better get dressed, isn't your driver coming down for you now?" it was only 3:45.

"Aw, we have 15 minutes….humm what can we do in 15 minutes…."

"NO!!" she pushed me away as she made a b-line for her jeans again

"Aww come on I won't see you again for weeks…"

"2, and you know where I am if you get a break. I want to stay here. fix it up a little…labour my love an all a that…Ill see you again in 2 weeks, so much of me in fact that you'll be wishing id leave you the hell alone."

"Id never wish that. You know that."

She smiled again, for the millionth time since id arrived and kissed me once on the lips.

"Come on down stairs, Ill make you something before you leave."

As the car pulled up with another "new" driver I grabbed my wallet from her table as she led me to the door.

"You got everything?"

"This is all I came with Nita, so yup got it!" I smiled

"God, I hate this…" she sighed, looking from the floor to my eyes finally. "I mean all this stupid shit…then all this good stuff happens and NOW they want you to work it's really not fair."

I had to laugh, I think this was her way of telling me she was gonna miss me.

"I know, but hey - it has to be done….i think?" I laughed again, more than anything trying to elevate some of the tension.

"You sure you have to go? Cant you just say you got lost or kidnapped or SOMETHING!!" she smiled then embracing me.

"No, but you could always come with me, stay with me till you had to start this new job of yours."

She rolled her eyes then "you make it sound so easy."

"Isn't it??"

"No, it really isn't….Look you better go before I do change my mind and end up kidnapping you myself."

"Ooh, let's not let go of that idea!" I smirked, and I think she got my drift.

"You're dirty."

"Oh and your not? Miss prim? Humm?"

"Whatever!!" she mocked my accent, "Now, seriously go" she kissed me just once and practically threw me out the door.

"See you in 2 weeks ms king."

"G'bye Justin….ill call the hotel…or you know you could….call me." she blushed

"I will, bye." It yanked at my heart when I had to get into the car, and it tugged even harder when it drove down her drive way.

I just didn't want to leave her.

I didn't want him to leave. I really didn't. But as soon as he did I got on my mobile - to Rachel. The three times she'd called, he'd always be in the room so I couldn't really talk without his head getting so big I was sure we'd have trouble getting it in the door.

"So are you two a couple now or what?" she said with a mouthful of food.

"Umm, I don't know"

"You don't know? He spent two full days shagging your brains out and you 'don't know?' for god sakes, did you ever talk?"

She had her charm didn't she?

"Of course we talked, Jesus we did more than each other you know."

"Doesn't sound like it." She sniggered, "and besides he is incredibly shagable so I don't bloody blame ya! I mean the last thing id want to be doin with him - is talkin, you know?"

"RACH! Come on, this is serious, why did you tell him where I was in the first place?"

"Why aren't you glad?"

"No, I am…" I couldn't help but smile "but it shocked the shit out of me!! Seeing him at my door!"

She laughed so loud at that "I knew it would, that's why I didn't phone you. But come on, he shows up, he looked so sorry, pitiful really. He clearly needed to see you, and I knew you were miserable without him. And he looked worse than you…sooo…I don't know I did my charitable thing and pointed his sadness in the direction of yours, and hey…your both happy now! So say thank you Rachel for being this AMAZING friend, that just got your sorry arse laid for two days with lover boy."

I smiled "thank you Rachel."

"Good. SO, are you going to see him again?"

"I think so…"

She "EEEEEE'D" in excitement. "Fuck…can you picture your Ex's faces when they see you with him! OR can't you just see Fi from your office spitting nails when she sees…"

"Rachel I still don't want to be in the spot light."

"Huh?"

"I mean I have a job to do now, I don't even know if it'll take off or not. But the last thing I need is to be known as "that girl that's doing Justin bloody Timberlake." That's not what I want."

Her excitement seemed to lessen considerably then "ooh, so you two are just going to hide the fact your in love?"

I never said love…did I?

"What? Rachel, im not in love with him…for god sakes we just agreed to see each other, it's hardly "love" now is it."

"Isn't it?" she asked coyly.

"What are you getting at? Im not in love with him, I mean I hardly know him…"

"You known him for two months"

"No, I was with him for one, and in that time he didn't know me at all…"

"But you knew him…"

"So?"

"So….you love him."

"NO I DON'T! I argued. And she just laughed at me. "What? Whats so funny you mad woman?"

"Im sorry Nita, but you clearly have something in the love department for this man; I can hear it in your voice for god sakes. And don't get me wrong, im glad."

I didn't say anything.

"See!!! I was right…oh god this is class, your gonna get married and have lots of cute sarcastic babies…" she rambled "can't you just see them, aw I mean how cute!"

"RACHEL!!"

"What?"

"We're not getting married we're not having bloody kids and we're NOT in love"

She didn't say anything so I continued "Okay?" I finally took a breath, id gotten so worked up it was unreal.

The way she described everything it just made me feel so…rushed.

"Jesus, okay Ill stop! But listen, I am really happy that your happy...I just wanted to tell you that!"

"Thanks...really means a lot that I have your support in all this...whatever it turns into...Its good to know"

***********

Getting back into London and getting used to the noise, the chaos again…it was split.

In one way I was glad to be back, glad to get back to work…on another…I missed her something fierce.

I disappeared, MIA for those few days, and it was heaven.

It was decidedly less so though when I did get back, to scowls and telling off from my security.

Apparently I wasn't old enough to know what to do alone no more, how insane is that. I sign their hefty pay cheques, and they're telling ME what to do. It's a fucked up system is what it is.

"Justin we didn't know where you were man? Anything could have happened and how'd have gotten the blame? US that's who….dude your mom called, I mean we lied!" the 300 lb black man conveyed to me with more emotion than a hysterical six year old.

"If she'd called a second time I mean what was we supposed to tell her?" he raised his arms for effect. But I was tired and hungry.

"Tell her im a 25 year old man, who's more that capable of lookin' after his own ass every once in a while…." I slammed my door. I had to be on set early the next day, and I was looking forward to getting it over and done with. I had a max of 5 more scenes, and that was it. We were done.

Praise Jesus!

I rang her as soon as I was alone. No one knew…except her friend, that she and I were doing our thing again.

"They told you off? Aren't you the one that's meant to be their boss?"

"Yeah…" I stretched out on my bed " I am but I know they're just lookin' out for me so its kinda hard to tell them off for just doing their job too…you know"

"Ahuh…Listen ill call you back, I think that's tom at the door."

"Broke my nose tom?"

She sighed

"He didn't break it you drama queen….hes a nice man okay? Let it go. Ill call you right back."

She clicked off, and I wasn't sure what it was surging through me at that second. But I didn't like the idea of her being alone with a guy, that guy in particular. It wasn't that he was shady, im sure she was right, he was nice…for a psycho serial killer…

So I called her right back.

He was being cute; I knew this because he rang a nano second after id hung up to answer the door. Id barely let Tom in when my mobile rang again. "Yes?"

"He there?"

"Yes…"

"Is he making the moves on you yet? I think he will…he has that whole British bumbling Hugh Grant thing goin' on…"

"Justin…"

"What im serious, that dude cleans up at the box office, woman love that idiot shit."

"Clearly the reason you've gotten laid so much" she smirked and I heard his voice in the back ground.

"Tell him to leave, I don't like you being there alone with him….he could be anything, killer, rapist…or worse" I wasn't sure what was worse than that, but I was sure it was TOM.

"your reaching, and your insane…and im hanging up…call me when your brain is functioning again…" she paused "wait that may never happen…just call me later…much later…"

She clicked off again. Down side of having a girlfriend that was smarter than you, was that…well she was smarter than you….

The next call I made was to my mother. She would be the only person that id divulge my new status with Anita. She was the only one that wouldn't out right judge me, and if she did, she'd do it when she hung up.

"Mom?"

"Honey, where were you? I've been leaving all kinds of messages."

"I know, im sorry, i've been away…well just around really."

"Oh? Work?"

"Nah, it's ummm…well I went to Anita."

"Oh….well…how'd it go?" she sounded as apprehensive as I felt.

"Well, really well…I guess…I mean I apologised and realised that I was a complete bastard…she took her share of the shit too."

"You made up didn't you?!"

"How'd you know?" I asked never knowing how she knew this shit. She just laughed.

"Im your momma that's how I know…I can hear it in your voice, I take it, it went better than you're letting on??"

I smiled I couldn't help it "yeah it did, really well…I think we're together, I mean she's still outta town an all, but yeah when she gets back I think we're gonna do this. For real this time, no more lies 'n shit."

"Well,when do I get to finally meet her?"

"Ma, come on im just getting this thing…whatever the hell it is, off to a shaky second start, I don't wanna add any pressure on her, or myself just yet…"

"Im nice!" she protested.

"I know that, but SHE knows that I hold your opinion very high in my book, I don't wanna freak her out with the responsibility of meeting and makin you like her, that's all…can we just see how it goes?"

"Sure, listen someone's at the door, I think your dad forgot his keys again, call me later okay?"

"Okay."

"Love you son."

"Yeah, yeah, love ya too."

After calling the only two women in my life at that point, I was wrecked.

I needed sleep, big time.

*********************************

"Tom im really sorry about the other day I mean I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"No, don't be silly, im the one that punched out your boyfriend, I mean Im the one that made the mistake…you know? Seriously im surprised you even want to speak to me again after that."

I handed him his cup of tea, well he fixed my main line phone line for me, it was the least I could do.

"oh. Thank you."

"So, Tom, do you have a someone? Wife, girlfriend? Boyfriend?" I chanced. He just blushed and laughed "yes, ive got a fiancée. Her name is Jules and we've been together now…oh about three years"

"Really? How come I haven't seen her around?"

"She works a lot up in London, she comes and goes, and as do I when I can…we make it work."

"Cant be easy though…"

"No, its not…but what can you do…I like to farm, she likes to….lawyer…don't ask me why but she does."

I smiled a lawyer and a farmer, not the likeliest of pairs I had to admit. "Ive known her my entire life, and when I dropped out of med school to take over my fathers business, she thought I was crazy…turns out I make more than her now that I would have as a GP."

"Nice…"

"what about Justin? What does he do?"

I giggled at that, I think he may be the only person who didn't know who he was.

"He's a singer slash actor slash godonlyknowswhat….but he's successful at whatever he does so…."

"Have you two been together long?"

"No, no…not at all….this thing with us, it's pretty new actually…really new im so nervous about it."

"Why?"

"I don't really know. Well no that's a lie, I do know. See he's in the public eye a lot, and I…well I don't really want that to be honest….so yes that's what im nervous about, so much so that this new job ive been offered thats new too, and its really scaring me..."

"What made you want it in the first place?"

Good question.

"Change of scenery really, change of everything. I mean im nearing the end of my twenties and I need a career for live, and I just can't think of one that ill still want to do when im 50."

"What did you want in the beginning?"

Damn another good question.

"I never really had a set plan, or an aspiration as a child, you know? I just went were the mood took me, even in school....then I found my school newspaper, and I think it was the delving into peoples lives and sharing my opinions with them - that's what attracted me? Now? This PR gig is sweet money, lots of travelling - which I never really got to do before, and im still delving into peoples lives...."

"So? I think it sounds right up your street, I mean I know I really don't know you..." he looked down "but from what i've seen so far, you seem like you could certainly handle something NEW right now, I wouldn't worry..."

Maybe he was right, maybe for once things just might go my way....maybe....

Two posts, cause i need to get to this point!! Thanks for reading, and even more for reviewing. It means the whole world!!

As I slugged through the sudden burst of April showers that has hit the city all of a sudden after days of lovely sunshine, I realise the bottom of my trousers is now soaked thanks to the puddles i've managed NOT to avoid.

"Jesus, well that's 40 quid down the freakin' puddle" as I shake off my umbrella in the hotel reception I notice there is a new door man, I bid him good morning and approach the desk.

"Hello, how can I help you?" She smiled in that fake "it's my job to be nice" way.

"Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me if" I cleared my through at the shameful question I was about to ask "Mr Mickey mouse is still checked in here? And if he's in his suite?"

she looked at me as if I had two heads - cant really say I blame her….I hated the way he chose alias's and I hated asking, sure I could have called but that would have negated the surprise.

"Are you joking?" she asked.

"No, unfortunately im really not, he should be in the presidential suite?"

She looked away and began typing in her little key board. Then she suddenly laughed "um yes miss he is, he's still here, and he appears to be in, all his keys are at the desk."

"Thank you."

I walked my way through the uber swanky foyer one big bag in tow. Id come back a few days early from the country, mainly because I missed him, and mainly because I needed to really get ready for work.

The two security guards were at the door, one of them I recognised "Eric right?" I approached, "I need to see Justin."

He looked me up and down, "I remember you, your that reporter….I don't like you much I have to say."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you're a liar, and I don't like liars miss." He was like a million feet tall, and the same in width, I could exactly slap him, but I sure as hell wanted to.
"Okay, look, you don't know me AT all and no matter what ive done, you have no right to talk to me like that!"

He just rolled his eyes "Im sorry but you're gonna have to leave."

Doesn't Justin talk to these people at all?

"Just get Justin out here will you?" I didn't mean to be rude but MY GOD!!!

"No." he replied rudely "leave, before we help you leave."

Oh that was it, I reached in my purse for my mobile and searched for J' it rang, hell you could even hear it from inside the room.

Both men looked confused and the one I didn't know ask the ass that I did "how come she has his cell if she's that lying girl…"

Great, I had a nick name.

"J, hey it's me…"

"Baby? I was just about to call you…How are you?"

PISSED OFF! "Im fine, but um, could you come out side your room for a sec? I need you to see something."

"My room? How did you know - wait where are you?"

"Just come out?"

At that I heard the click of the big black door, his head, and his phone still attached to his ear.

"Hi!" I managed a smile "could you clear it with these two that im NOT the devil in cashmere? They won't let me in!"

he approached "the ass", well if I could be nicknamed so could he. "dude, you know her…why wouldn't you let me know she was here."

ha, he looked like he'd been told off "but…she's….i thought you two had….that it was over? I don't get it?"

"Well…" Justin smiled "we're not, so next time, don't go giving her the third degree alright? Jesus Eric…."

He took my hand and took me into the room and closed the doors behind me.

"Im so sorry about that…" he laid down my bag at the door. "But what are you doin? You never called!!" his smile never dissipated once.

"I just wanted to surprise you, and I think - despite the rudeness of the security, I managed that…"

"What he say? Was he a bastard, cause if he was then ill - "

I stopped him "forget it, it'll take more than the mountain of Eric to get to me, im fine and he's not that bad, I know he's just looking out for you…It is his job right?

"Yes, but that doesn't mean he can't be civil?"

"He didn't know we were "we" again, so let's just let it go?" I walked over and kissed him.

Id missed that.

"Consider this the best surprise ive gotten in a LONG while." He grinned showing me those million dollar grills of his that he swore he's never had bleached…don't know weather or not I believe him on that one….

"Mmmm, so how was your week and a half without me?"

"I wrapped the movie, which is good and bad….Good because I get a real break - no scripts no lines, no Nothin'…."

"And bad?" he looped his hands in mine as we approached his big cream leather sofa that sat in front of a flat widescreen, that flashed up some basketball game or another?

"Bad…" he sighed "because that means im under contract to go back to the states and record again…which means leaving you…"

Bombshell, I hadn't thought of that.

Shit, now I felt…well…Like shit.

"Oh…." I moved to the window away from him.

"Nita, it's not like that, its not that I want to, it's just….well I kinda have to? I really wish I didn't…"

"No, I understand, it's your job…and it needs to be done…."

"But your sad now? Look I can hear it in your voice?" he walked over to me "im sorry…"

"don't be, its just…well I went from never thinking id see you again, to seeing you…all of you, and then to go to the not seeing you part…."

"I know, it sucks….But hey…" he reached for my chin, making me face him "I only write and record really a maximum of….maybe six weeks, if all goes well and its not really that long is it? And you'll be busy too, your new job…making new friends, making new enemies?" he laughed and I knew it was for my sake.

"But look, that's not for another two weeks, so…can't we just enjoy being us while we're both in the same room??" he persuaded.

And yes I think he was right, I needed to take full advantage while I could.

As it approached six, the rain was in full swing and showing no signs of letting up any time soon.

I saw her standing at the window in one of my complimentary bathrobes "what are you doing?" I asked finally as she didn't move.

"Nothin, just looking…enjoying the view."

"Well, I can't say my view is entirely bad either….But it would be a whole lot better if you lost the terrycloth sweetheart."

She looked at me then "its cold…"

"Not in here its not…" I pushed back my blankets again and urged her to join me.

Thankfully she did. "There see, not cold at all….infact…" I attached her neck again, something that always seemed to set her off in a fit of giggles.

"STOP!!!" she laughed and giggled again "okay really STOP! I need to say something."

I stopped, and looked directly at her "what?"

Her smile changed into a crafty grin and she flipped over on her stomach tossing her hair out of the way "nothing, I just don't want you to do that again!!" she cackled

"I could do it if I wanted…"

"No…" she slapped both palms on my chest as she scrabbled on top of me. "Justin…"

"Ummm?"

"I like you a whole lot" She said playfully as she tucked her hair behind her eyes as she said it, balancing at the same time.

"Well, I like you a whole lot too…"

"It's not just this" she motioned around the room "or this" she slid her hand to "places" shall we say, as she smiled "but that you're weird…"

"Im weird?"

hell no?

"yes, you are…I mean you live this totally bizarre lifestyle, and I know nothing about it really…Not really…what its like for you…that sort of thing."

She was rambling.

"But you're not as weird as some of the ego tripping "stars" ive met, and I like that…."

"But im still weird?"

"Oh yes, but then again so am i…so it's all okay."

See, there were times she was as tough to get to the centre of as any solid rock in the mountain, a real hard ass business woman type…but then there were times like theses and she was just herself, a 20 something girl who just liked the attention of someone she wanted.

"AJ"

"Yes?" she rested herself against my chest now

"When im with you, when we're talking or just sitting…. Well I feel like…even though its been a really short time, I feel like you've really had an affect on me."

"aww." She said not moving

"And that when im with you I feel like I don't have to be what people want me to be, I can just be me? And the me I was for a long time, was a guy that if im honest, I didn't really like all that much." She got up to face me again, this time - concerned.

"But that guy disappears when you're around, and I like that. What im trying to say….sounding like a complete idiot here…" I laughed nervously "is that im attached to you, and I don't want that attachment to go away….with you for the first time with any woman, ive allowed myself to feel my feelings, to change maybe from a person who lives to work to a person who just works to live - a real person… " I think that made sense? Maybe not, but she was smiling, so I think she understood.

She kissed me on the cheek, "Justin, im so glad that I could be the one to help you, in any way…Im really pleased, and honoured that it's me you've chosen to be open with, thank you."

She looked away for a second and then shifted to the empty spot in the bed beside me "in a way I think you've done the same for me, before you I was just me and my job and all about pleasing my boss's…. I was so isolated and alone for such a long time, that I think id almost forgotten what emotions for another person actually felt like, Justin…I don't want to scare you….but I think im falling in love with you…" she blurted, then her eyes widened. "Look Im not trying to rush anything here, and I completely understand if you don't reciprocate -"

"Anita? I think im falling too…."

It's been three months since Justin and I had our "falling for each other" conversation, and in those three months a hell of a lot has happened.

He left for LA, to start recording his album - which completely pissed me off because I just didn't want him to leave, but he did, and every time he'd have something new, he'd sing it to me over the phone. Something that I loved and I felt so touched by some of the songs, the love songs I felt especially responsible for….

But it wasn't all bad, every two weeks on the button he'd come see me. And believe me when I tell you that we took full advantage of those three days we'd have together.

They were wonderful. And the hotels of central London were well and truly christened! I hadn't yet got the chance to repay the favour and make a trip or two state side for id been increasingly busy with my new Personal Relations job. At first it started off slow, as I predicted - no one knew me, therefore no one trusted me enough to represent them.

But after I got a few high profile parties under my belt I was beginning to get approached by people looking for representation, mostly reality TV fame seeking losers at first, but I didn't mind. It was work, and it was experience, and that's what mattered.

Then Justin began sending and recommending me to his showbizzy pals, to which I was grateful. My boss just couldn't understand how the members of the crème de la crème of Hollywood was asking questions about me and my techniques.

One such character, whom I won't name - because that would make me a terrible PR shitspinner, asked me to keep his three mistresses away from his wife. Both actors, and the marriage had taken a turn for the worse when she won her Oscar, I simply had to keep his ho's as Justin would call them under control while they played happy families.

It wasn't a problem, he paid me handsomely and they all got what they wanted. The bitches got their money, and he got to keep his image.

Morally though it weighed on me, but that aspect was just one such in my job description.

I mostly loved helping promote clubs or dj's or anything that didn't involve me asking the question "are there pictures of you both in any compromising positions…say naked?"

Enough about that, and more about my honey…well as I said, he left to record and when that was done we spent three weeks just hanging around Britain, taking trips to Scotland, going down to Wales, all involving golf of course….then it was time for him to start promotion.

Which he did very well, and finished just a week ago.

The album release is in a few days and it just so happens his PR "ken the asshole sunshine" was a semi big wig at my company.

Id met him on a few occasions, personally speaking of course and he flinched when Justin introduced me as his girlfriend (I blushed, but you already guessed that) he asked me all sorts of questions, questions Id asked clients when they were fishing for money.

Like I said he was an asshole, till he found out I was on the way to becoming one of his kind, then he was all smiles, smiles because I wasn't a gold digger.

Another person that wore the same concerned look was Mrs Lynn Harless.

When I met her on one of the Justin stops that he pulled whist recording, he brought her over too, we had slightly less "Christening" of hotels that trip….but she was nice, overly nice. Nice in the way you know Justin WARNED her strongly to be so. He was sweet, but it really wasn't necessary.

I could tell he was nervous, when we came face to face. But we talked about everything over dinner at the Savoy, the weather, the war, the prices in Bond Street. But as soon as Justin went to the bathroom, her mask slipped.

She politely informed me that she knew ALL about me, and the lies id told her son, that id really hurt him when I did it, and it made her question me….

I was shocked but at least she was honest, she continued to say that she was never one to judge a book by its cover, and I told her that I was always someone who paid great attention to the covers of books; they gave the greatest hints as to what was inside.

I explained my situation and my reasons, which she accepted graciously. Thank god, is all I can say. I would have hated to have got on the wrong side of a woman like her, but she was warm underneath her desire to protect her one and only, and I respected that.

I vowed that he now knew all there was to know about me, and that I cared very much about him.

Her eyes immediately lost the icy-ness they had held before it. Now things are as awkwardly polite between any woman and the girl their son is screwing, so all is well.

"Anita, line one for you" I heard Anna call out as I had just replaced my handset after talking the ear of a new investor.

"Thanks…Anita James...." I rhymed

"Baby, hey…you busy?" I heard the familiar southern drawl come across the line.

"Im just about done for today, whats your day shaping up like?"

"Better now actually…"

"Oh and why is that?"

I heard him laughing, "Look out your window."

My window?

I walked over, and there he was six storeys down, standing in the middle of the footpath waving like an idiot.

"What are you doing? Do you want to call attention to yourself…?" I warned.

"No, I want to get your attention!"

"Well, you have it!!" I panicked "Now please come up here before the damn sun newspaper arrives!!!"

I heard him laugh again, and hang up.

I knew he was on his way, and as he journeyed, I checked my make up, checked I hadn't acquired any bad smells, and just in case I slipped on a little Chanel no. 5.

I saw his swagger 6ft frame stroll past all the girls answering the phones in reception and each one of them looked up as he past them, with the grin and the cheesy lines he was let in right away. He entered my small office space with an even bigger smile.

"I have missed you so much!" he placed the bouquet of red roses on my desk and came over to my side of the desk for a kiss.

"your not meant to be here for another four hours…" I pointed out smiling.

"I know, but I wanted to surprise you, so I got an earlier plane….why? You not happy to see me?"

"NO! course I am. Its just, im at work and my boss is a bastard and plus I wanted to be showered and nice for you, im in icky work clothes…"

He looked me over, " that trouser suit isn't Icky, I was with you when you got it remember? And I don't think you could call Donna Karen icky." he laughed, and yes he was right it was devine, cream amazing material that looked damn good if I do say so myself.

"I know but you know what I mean."

"I do, so ill go."

"NO! I didn't say that…" I went to kiss him again, but I noticed quite a line of women had formed outside the office, all "walking past" more than once.

It was funny the effect he had on women wasn't it?
"Wait, maybe you should go?"

He raised his eyebrows in shock. "well ghee, thanks."

"No…" I pointed outside the door " id rather welcome you, when we don't have such a crowd…you

know?" I winked. And he seemed happy that my intentions were as immoral as his.

"Okay, I guess I could do that. Will I meet you at your apartment or at the hotel?"

"Hotel, Rachel and her man are there at the minute."

"She finally dumped asshole huh?" he asked as he messed with my desk and the items id lined up in a

very OCD fashion.

"well what did you expect, every time you saw her you made her promise to dump him." I giggled, I mean really, for weeks every time she'd enter the room he'd ask her if she'd done it yet, she got so

nervous with seeing him if she hadn't, she avoided the house.

It was funny, she never usually gave a shit what my boyfriends thought of her, but I guess he mattered now.

"well im just saying, every time she'd call you, she'd be in tears and shit - that's not a good place to

be."

"thank you Oprah…Now go, before you get me sacked" I ordered. He just giggled.

"I plan on "sacking" you later anyways…"

"that's NOT what that means here…"

"yeah, yeah…" he kissed me on the cheek. "see ya later."

And with that he was gone. And I was counting the hours till I got out of here and into his arms.

*******

Having not exactly gotten the welcome id been thinking about I decided it would be best if I went to

my hotel and slept off the jet lag and give her, her time to "get ready" as she puts it. It makes no sense

to me why she cares so much, she gets changed, and dolled up and I just usually wreck it when we

end up doing what we do best. And that's easy, it requires no clothes at all…so all the fuss she makes,

just makes no sense.

But then again she is a woman so, I guess that's why it matters to her.

We had finally set some dates for a the European leg of the new tour. My managers and I decided to

take this one slower, so it would be a few countries then a rest then a few more, and so on and so on

till id covered my turf.

I really wanted Anita to come with me, and I had hoped she'd offer. But she didn't, so id ask her.

Hopefully tonight.

And hopefully she'd say yes.

It approached six when I got back from the trip to the music store. I love music shopping in person,

nothing beats it. The walking around seeing everything from cds to vinyl and just picking it up. it's

the one things I hate about the internet….that and it spreads shit quicker than farmers in planting

season, but I hated that it takes that feeling away from music shopping.

Downloading was boring.

She arrived shortly after I did and we sat down to dinner and a little catch up conversation

And then I finally got round to asking.

"honey?"

"yeah?" she asked as we flipped through various channels before stopping on "living"

"you know how I go on tour in a few weeks?" I paused "Well I was hoping you'd come with me?"

"On tour?" her eyebrow shifted

"yeah."

"well, id love too, but isn't that weird?"

"why weird?"

"Cause you'll be working and stuff, wouldn't I just get in your way?"

"NO!" I smiled "In fact you'd be my saving grace in a way, I hate touring and I hate it even more

alone…so?? You'd really be the more important thing there."

"really?" she smiled finally.

"yeah! So what'ya say?"

"well…" she pondered "If I can swing it at work, then hell yes!" she kissed me again, she was a very

kissy girl, and I liked that.

It took me almost a full week to persuade my boss that I could organise from my laptop and that I wasn't really needed in the office for at least two weeks, since most of my work was done over the phone any ways I said I could manage the same job whilst mobile. He didn't buy it but I got my way, on the condition if I was needed I could make it back, and that most of the days might come out of my holiday time.

I hated my boss, but most of the time he was okay. The day I asked, was clearly not that day.

He gave me this speech on responsibilities and such, but the only responsibility I was worried about was the one packing his bags for France that night.

Needless to say with my slight victory I went home to pack with a spring in my step.

We flew from Heathrow and landed in Paris. I loved Paris, it was so romantic, and not in a cheesy way either, I found both it and Rome two of the most amazing cities, simply because it was so easy to get swept up in the culture of it all and to fall in love with both the cities and the person you shared it with.

Or maybe this is just me being over sentimental.

"you know something Nita?" Justin pepped up as we dawned our tourist caps and headed into the Vatican to look around, we'd managed three days in Paris without over doing the wine and cheese and then we moved on to Rome.

His shows were amazing, and seeing him live on stage - the view was amazing but knowing what he put into it, made it even more special for me.

"yes?"

"I've been in this city countless times, but I've never been here."

I looked at him, "your joking?? How could you come to Rome and not-"

"Well, its just with the band it was always rushed we just shot in did gigs and went back to the hotel."

"and when you where here the last time?"

He looked awkward "well I was with someone who didn't really appreciate art, or culture

or…anything really"

The subject of Diaz never really came up, but sometimes I did wonder about them. They seemed so

different from each other, but then again I guess people say that about us too.

"Oh"

"Yeah…" he rolled his eyes and took my hand "but im glad its you I get to share this stuff with you

first…it makes it like ten times more special."

There was that overly sappy American thing again, im sorry but I just wasn't used to guys being

so…open.

"well thanks…" I blushed.

"you don't like that im so vocal about my feeling do you?" he ask smiling still.

"No, its not that I don't like it, its just that im not really used to it. I mean my mum and dad - the

way they talked about love…well they didn't really. Marriage was made out of necessity and such,

love never really factored into it."

"Marriage huh?"

Shit, me and my mouth "No, not us and marriage I mean for them, its how it was…they got along

well, my dad had a job and he was deemed suitable…then they thought they couldn't have kids, and oops there I come alone 15 years after they were married!"

"But you parents are in their fifties aren't they? When did they get married?"

"My mum was 18 my dad was in his late twenties…it was the late fifties early sixties times were

different what can I say."

He just shrugged and we moved from place to place separately.

Why was I bringing up marriage? Hell, I didn't even think I wanted that for me. I never had. And my

parents why was I bringing them up? He hadn't even met or spoke to either of them yet.

God someone just shut me up!

**********************************************

"What are you talking about, I can see that your pregnant, but you said you had a story for my paper here young lady, and unless you give me details I cant really help you."

"I can't say just now, but let's just say he's very, very well known, hes a superstar."

"Details or no deal." fi stood her ground

"Justin Timberlake. Okay? The father of my baby is Justin Timberlake okay?"

"What?" the wheels spun in her head "are you telling me the truth."

"Yes, we met up at a nightclub one night, he was with a short guy - Trace his name was. Everyone

was practically begging for his attention but im the one that got it. He sweet talked me and I fell for

it. Hes such a player…"

"really?" the older woman questioned.

"yes, he says he was hurt and that I was the only one who could make it better or some shit like that. I

knew he was full of shit but he was a superstar and interested in me, so I just played along."

"and then what?"

"we drank, a lot ill admit, but then…"

"yes?"

"we went back to his hotel, the Hilton in the city is where he was staying at the time, and we had

sex."

"that's it? Sweetheart if you want me to splash this im going to need more than that little teaser. I

need real solid details, points of conversation, what it was like with him, what he said or didn't say…

Now lets start from the beginning and ill see what I can offer you for this.

+++++++++

We'd been touring for a little over two weeks, and I have to admit having her along was nice. More than nice. When I saw her in the crowd during my shows, it helped. It calmed my nerves, yes I still get nerves. Hell right before I played Dublin for the first time I threw my guts up for a good half hour before I felt okay enough to go on.

But with Anita there to calm me, or even to just look in that way she does it just sends all my worries off of me. Plus having her to come home to, or to the hotel at least, makes it a little more homely.

What can I say I loved the girl.

"So you know ken?" I asked her

"Hes an asshole just for the record." she said with a mouthful of pasta.

"yes he is…but you've met him through work?"

"Ahuh, we had this conference thing 'bout six months ago and I can tell you "sunshine" he aint"

I had to laugh at her, she had a way with words "well hes coming into town for some thing with

Affleck, and he wants to 'review' my publicity situation."

"So he basically wants you to whore it up as far as the papers are concerned…"

"I forgot you read between the speak these days…but yeah so be prepared is all am saying."

"Once he found out that I was your girlfriend he was sooo nice to me once he found out that I had a

job and wasn't some gold digging bitch after your money, much like your mother in that aspect…"

Now it was my turn to speak with my mouthful "my mom wasn't that bad."

"Ahuh" she rolled her eyes "you know it's a good job I love you, 'cause your surrounded by nutters."

"well it's a good job I love you 'cause you ARE a nutter!"

"Please, Justin I am the most sane of all the weirdo's around you, I mean some of your dancers are

just plain crazy, I mean we're talking jacko crazy, that penny girl? Jesus.."

"She's fine she's just a little temperamental, that's all…"

"she cries all the time j? I think she's knocked up"

"Penny? No…she's not that stupid, I mean…" well she was dating Riley, and he was known to be a

little rough with all his ladies.

"well im just saying with the weeping and the constant "Im bloated" it all points to baby."

"okay enough about her, please…Im tired, and dinner was amazing." I finished up and grabbed both

our plates.

"Umm what the hell?" she followed me to the kitchen part of the hotel suite.

"what?"

"you just flipped that's what?"

"No I didn't" I rinsed off the dishes and I attempted to smile.

"J there was a definite change of tone, I heard it, it was your pissed off tone and I want to know what

I did to piss you off!"

"baby, im not pissed off okay i've just had a long day and a difficult show and my back hurts, so I just

wanna take a nice hot bath and get into bed…okay?"

I embraced her for comfort. Sure all of the above was true but I also had a little something more

weighing on my mind.

"you sure that's it?"

I kissed her again "I am…you wanna join me?" I offered with a hope she's say no, I really just wanted

a second to take in what id been told in the phone call from Ken. I hadn't been given time to react,

but there it was, spinning around in my brain.

That girl I thought id never see again, was pregnant, with my baby.

Holy fucking shit.

*******

We'd moved from Rome to Germany and I had to admit, that is one language that freaks me out, its like they are all constantly shouting at each other.

But Justin had spent a lot of time in Germany when he was in Nsync so he knew the lingo and the place pretty well.

His mood had changed though, and changed and changed.

He was sweet one minute and then Ken would appear and then he'd change. I was convinced that it

was ken niggling in his ear about me, but he would look so upset sometimes.

I wanted to ask what was wrong but the air around them, it made it awkward and I didn't want to

interfere for once.

I figured that it was maybe the stress from the tour, the demand that was on him, the - hell I didn't

know shit, about shit! All I knew is that the man I loved was keeping something from me and I didn't

like it.

Id looked all over the arena for him, but there was no sign anywhere. I decided that the bus would be

my last best bet.

And wouldn't you know it, there he was in the bedroom at the back lying with his head underneath

all the pillows, windows blocked out and the radio on full blast.

"J?" I said once but he didn't hear me so I switched off the rock station and he instantly noticed that.

"Is it time to get ready yet?" It was only 3pm.

"Nope, you've got a good few hours yet. But you have to eat or something otherwise you'll be ill." I

offered him my sandwiches but he declined finally raising his head.

"you look good today Nita"

"Wait, you mean I don't look good every day?" I laughed.

"no you do, but there's something different about you today? I cant place it…" he shook his head. "its

like you get more beautiful every day."

"is that right?" sweet talker.

"ummmm."

He slowly took the ribbon that tied her blouse together and pulled it out of its bow.

"J, anyone could walk in…I am really NOT doing this here"

"you had no problem with anyone watching when we did it in that clothes store."

Okay he had a point, but it was PRADA in London, and the sales girl kept looking down her nose at

me, as if I didn't deserve to be with him, so I metaphorically told her to F off by doing it - loudly, in

one of her changing room.

Kiss my ass bitch.

But no, this was different.

Although the rules of this sort of thing were getting a little blurred if im honest.

"Jus im serious I think your people are looking for you right now, and to be truthful im not all for

them finding us getting biblical." of course he laughed at that. The boy had no shame whatsoever.

With my defences at an all time low and the fact that he smelled so good from what I was guessing

was a shower, I gave in. Even though we had underlying issues, the fact that we hadn't really had any

kind of conversation in almost 24 hours.

I let him kiss me, I let him touch me, and I reciprocated. But something felt different.

Sure it was great, and it was what it was, like always. But this time, it felt more of a distraction from

talking than it being the act itself.

Its not that it felt wrong when we made love, at any time - even when I was lying to him. That part

always made up for my guilt - always.

This time though, it felt like he was the guilty one. He was overly affectionate, he cared too much for what I was feeling, more so than usual, when he'd get lazy and make me do all the work… and the biggest give away, he NEVER made eye contact!

This time, he was hiding something.

The second day of that particular arena date we spent marginally apart. I had work all day over the phone and on my computer. Making deals with various chefs for a charity cookout that was taking place in London at the end of that month.

Chef's were moody bastards I had to admit.

My boss called and called "checking in" being a nosy so an so if you ask me. Then he found out Mr Sunshine would be visiting with me, he ordered me to "be nice and don't cop and attitude" wanker.

Mr freakin' sunshine was the one with the attitude.

But I gave my best "yes boss" and off I went on a hunt for celeb chefs that were interested in a charity drive on the Themes.

I had questioned Justin on his sudden change of temperament, but he assured me he was "fine" and that it was again, just the stress of the tour. I again just thought that was shit…

But I stayed out of his way, and when he asked me to meet him at the arena for lunch I agreed but I

finished up some emails on his bus.

that's when I found it.

It was a press release, from a Ms Melina Watson.

I knew that name, she was a page three girl for a few years before she "made it big" as a glamour model, id done more than my fair share of exposes on her when I worked at the paper.

In short, she was a slut. Everyone decent knew it, and stayed away from her.

But as I read on, my heart sank….then beat at a rate im sure was off the charts.

She was pregnant, and she was claiming the dad to be Justin.

It was a press release that was a draft, I knew this because I was used to drawing them up for clients.

This was not good at all.

I read the dates, he hadn't cheated on me - one plus. But then again he had (or so she says) slept with her anyway.

Either way, I felt really really dirty.

%%%%%%%%%

I went through my rehearsal in a blur, everything for the past three days had been one big blur.

Ken had managed to set some kind of agreement with Melina, and she agreed, for a price that she'd back off until I could come myself and work something out.

The only thing now that was weighing on me, was Anita.

I mean how was I meant to tell the girl I loved that I was going to have a child with a woman as - cheap as her, someone id used to my own advantage and threw away like rubbish.

The shame I felt I cant even describe. It ran deeper than anything id ever felt.

And it killed me, to know that after all the importance id put into being honest with Anita and her with me, it was all shot to hell over the last few days because I had been lying, every time she asked me who was on the phone, or if I was okay.

I hated to tell her, because I knew if I did she would never look at me the same way again.

I sought her out, finally finding her inside my bus. Sitting staring at her laptop, in a stupor almost.

"baby…I have to talk to you for a second."

I closed the door of the bus behind me and I braced myself.

“What are you talking about?” she asked me sitting there at the same wood table we had been so active on hours before.

“I mean, she’s saying things…things that are…damaging.”

“Damaging? Are you joking? Why are you being so vague?”

I just cut her gaze, “she’s saying she’s…pregnant I guess and she’s saying that it’s me, that im the one that’s made her that way.” I just could not meet her gaze. It might just have killed me to see such a sight in those eyes I loved so much.

“You’re joking right? I mean I’ve heard rumours an all but…” she stood up. “But come on! She is€ clearly a slut! You would never….”

The guilt was visible all over my face “under normal cir-”

“YOU DIDN’T’!”

“Babe, im sorry but it was just after we…after that time when we…”

“So you’re telling me that you did shag the second rate Jordan, the poor mans pammy, you did THAT?”

Her hands were on her hips and the look in her eyes told me to be scared, very scared.

“Yes I did, and im deeply ashamed of it, but the fact is - I used her….now that’s come back to bite me in the ass!”

I saw her hold back tears of what I assumed were anger, and I saw her think, think as a PR.

“Whats Ken doing to get this hushed….tell me he’s doing something here?”

“Yeah, he’s talking with her and her people as to what it is they want from this, he’s hoping that they can get it shut off.”

“And you?”

“Me?”

“Yes you, you’re the one that got her….pregnant…” I saw the hurt creep back into her face again as she looked at me.

“Anita, im sorry.” I managed truly, with more emotion in my voice that even I expected.

She shooed my looks off easily, “for what? Being a prat? Please if I did not already know that id be as dumb as you are. What you should be sorry about is trying to keep this from me; I mean really did you think that it would not get out? That no one would notice that this little gold miner is going to work on you…no see I knew something like this was bound to happen” she ran her hands through her hair again, the small proximity of the bus getting smaller by the second “what the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean…you expected this or something?” sure id no right to be mad, but damn…

“No I didn’t but this is me, and my little happiness bubble was bound to burst eventually, and this…this is just the big giant pin.” finally she got pissed off, so much so that she slammed her beeper on the table and walked off the bus and into the arena, leaving me with nothing but my panic and my regret.

I just couldn’t believe him, after everything, we were finally getting to that place, the place where I could tell him anything and the place where I was actually comfortable with the whole “Justin Timberlake’s girl” thing that the media persisted on dragging up on me whenever he and I would be spotted. Sure I was his girl but that’s not all I was, and being defined as such just pissed me off a little…okay a lot, but as you can see I had bigger worries, such as if the former headlines of us being all loved up would be replaced with ones of him and that little slut…

He’d hurt me, but its not like I hadn’t known that he had been with other women after me, id be extremely green if I had for once even thought that he’d just sat around and splurged on and unhealthy selection of Ben & Jerry’s, two men designed never to let you down.

However, no I knew he was a whore and I accepted that, just as long as he was being a whore with me all was good, but this was huge. If the bitch was telling the truth then he was going to be a dad, and that was something I knew he would step up to. Children who come from fucked up homes usually have a sense of responsibility instilled, and as picture perfect as his childhood appears on mmc and on

VH1 from what hes told me it was nowhere near as neat as it’s made out. Divorce is shit and for the child of divorced parents, it’s even worse. Not that id know, I come from the perfect “Walton’s like” family, but instead of brothers and sisters, I got cousins and pets to fill up our house. However, for Justin the scars ran deep and the fact that he flat out told me that he wouldn’t be the kind of dad his biological father is, he’s distant, unemotional, and extremely uninvolved in his sons life, J swore he wouldn’t be like that. The night we talked about that was the night; he told me he loved me for the very, very first time. With the actual phase, “I love you” then he tells me he wants kids, well as you can imagine my heart, and my biological clock skipped a beat.

I did not in any of my daydreaming fantasies think a page three model would be mommy dearest and me and my clock would have nothing to do with it.

“Anita?”

I heard one of the dancers Lilly I think her name was, staring at me.

“Hi” I managed “how are you?”

“Girl, im good, the point is, how are you?”

Id been on more than a few of the dates of this tour now, so id socialised with the crew and dancers

more than once. I kinda sorta knew them.

“Im okay…”

She was 5’’six lean to a fault and her dark coffee skin just glowed underneath her multicoloured hair.

“So then why have you been crying….” she rubbed my shoulder

“I haven’t…”

“Girl….” She sounded out in a way id only heard RICKI guests do before. “Please, everyone’s talking

about what he did….Im so sorry.”

Sure, I did not know shit about this girl apart from the fact that she liked fat frogs with ice and tequila

slammers but I embraced her offered hug and I just let go of all my held in emotion, and I sobbed.

**************

“what do you mean she’s already gone to the papers, shit Ken I give you a lot of fuckin money to keep her from doing just that!!!” I yelled at my PR over the cell id borrowed since mine had gone dead id done so much talking on it, to him…again.

“Im sorry but we offered everything you said but she insists she can’t be bought, and that you have to

pay for being what you are”

“And what’s that?”

he coughed “I quote, “a self centred self righteous egotistical asshole who thinks of no one but

himself”, end quote”

Damn id burned that bitch bad huh?

“Man, this isn’t happening…” I sat down finally “I mean I was pissed that night man, but I

remembered protection, im not that stupid, and she wasn’t even that good…I don’t get how…”

“Well she maintains you were amazing, right up until the point where you kicked her out after you’d

finished.”

Yes, cold I know.

“And now she’s having a baby she says is mine….great, just fucking great”

“She says she wants to talk to you…sort something’s out.”

“Like what? All the bitch wants is money…”

“Justin it might help if you co- operated on this one, its not going to go away.”

I bit my tongue, “well I cant right now, and I have shows for the next two weeks straight. Make it

after that, and please don’t let her spread any more shit? Do it right this time or ken, you’re

done…are we clear?”

He bowed like a bitch and went on his way, as I set off to find Anita and grovel for all I was worth. I

walked my way through all the construction that was going on inside the arena, in preparation for my

shows there for the next two days.

I saw everyone rehearse, but I did not see Anita in her usual front row seat, where she’s usually watch

me do my thing. No one was there except my choreographer ordering the dancers left and right.

I was sure at this stage the news was out, therefore I wasn’t hugely shocked when everyone took time

to stare at me as I passed them in the hallways, not that I wasn’t used to it, but this time I knew it was

different.

The stares had a purpose. I stopped Marty and Sean two of my dancers as I met them

“have y’all seen anita?”

“Nah J I think she left for the hotel…”

“Are you sure Sean? How did she leave?”

He shrugged “I saw Lilly and your girl drive off about ten minutes ago, they waved but that was

it…since the shows in a few hours im guessin lil hasn’t gone that far…”

Good point, “cool thanks man.”

I reached in for my cell, and I dialled nitas number, I knew somehow that she’d have it switched off,

but I left a voice mail anyways.

Then I tried to get through to my room. And after three rings someone picked up.

“yeah?” I knew the New York twang belonged to Lilly.

“Hey Lil, is AJ with you?”

I heard shuffling “she is, but um, she doesn’t want to talk to you man…”

“I know that, but please? Just get on the phone, please?” I heard more shuffling and then someone

cough.

“yes?” came her accented voice.

“baby look we need to talk this through okay…I need you, I mean your smart you can walk me

through this…”

“through what?”

“This, this thing…baby-”

“So wait, you didn’t call to see how I was, or if I was upset or even if I was okay, you just called to

see if I could help you save your own ass?”

I didn’t’ know what to say. “No…obviously I want to know that your okay…you are right?” lame I

know.

“goodbye Justin”

“NO wait, look im sorry…” she didn’t hang up. “I really am, im an insensitive prick and im sorry,

but this has just threw me for a loop Nita, and im not really sure how to deal with it, and im in panic

mode…”

“I know” she said softly, and I noticed then that her voice was all broke up, like she’d been crying.

“but this isn’t just about you, im involved here too you know, I mean Jesus Christ your going to have

a baby…and NOT with me, do you know how that feels???”

I didn’t really consider it like that, I was more focused on what it would do to my stupid image.

“Im sorry, look ill get this thing sorted - I will, and things will just go back to normal, I promise.”

Wishful thinking, I know.

“No you know nothings ever that easy J. I think you should meet this woman face to face, be

reasonable and see how it goes. I mean underneath everything else, there is a baby to be considered

here and it should come first.”

God why was she being so good about all this, if I were her, id dump me.

“I know, but she’s only four months along, and I don’t think I can get my head around the idea of a

baby just yet”

I heard her breathe on the other end of the line.

“Look Justin, I think im gonna go back home. Ill let you finish the last few dates on your own, I think

it’ll give us both some much needed space - to think, if nothing else.”

She was dumping me.

The hallway started to get busy so I lowered my voice “are you leaving me?”

She sighed “No, of course not. I just need some breathing room right now, and I think you do too…”

“I love you, you do know that right?”

“I know” she hung up, and she may as well cut my throat when she did it like that. I suddenly felt very

small, very, very unable to breathe.

I padded back and forth in the soft cream carpet that sank underneath my feet.

“Trace I just don’t get it man, when I did her - I was wasted, I clearly wasn’t doing the best job I’ve

ever done, and yet somehow she got pregnant? It makes no sense to me.”

My friend of too many years looked back at me, “some guys would be kind of proud” he laughed “But

I guess this isn’t the time for jokes…right…well did she say what it was she wanted from you?”

“No, but my guess is either money, attention, fame…or all of the above.”

“you have to see her then, work this out…I mean look at this.” he handed me the paper, it was the

one Anita used to work for, which means that awful woman FI knew all about this, as did everyone

else in the United kingdom.

Shit.

I hadn’t spoken to Anita in two days, since she hopped on a plane and went back home.

Cant really say I blame her, I mean this was a bad situation - heavy and hard not something she should

have to deal with.

“Trace we don’t even know if this woman is telling the truth, this baby shes having. I mean if might

not even be mine!”

“well, that’s where you meet her and ask her and sort this out, cause dude all this worrying isn’t

doing anyone any good, go talk to her.”

Hated to admit it, but yeah he was right, it was time to shut up and take action, action I wasn’t really sure I was ready for.

“you’re joking?” Rachel reacted just id thought she would, “seriously? Hes knocked up that SLUT! Jesus fucking Christ! I hope you smacked him in the balls.”

“Not exactly.”

“then what exactly?” she came over all motherly.

“Look this happened when we weren’t together, so I cant actually be mad at him, he didn’t cheat on

me, he just…”

“Got another woman, who isn’t you, up the duff! Charming….look you may not have the right to be

mad at him, but certainly have the right to be piss off at him. I mean jesus if I were you id’a chopped

his thingy off right then and there!”

Why was picturing that just really funny at that moment. I just had to laugh.

“Look I am mad, I am really hurt and I really want to hurt him, but I cant. Because this isn’t about

me, this is about him, and his baby…”

“If it is his” she pointed out.

“true….true.”

“God Rach what if it is his, what the hell do I do then?”

“leave him” she shrugged

“No…”

“why not, if he wants to go off and play happy families with that whore and a half, let him”

“But he doesn’t, I mean I have to admit I haven’t really talked to him about what went on between

both of them, but he assured me it was a one night thing and that he just used her…”

“Must have been an amazing night”

Thanks, that makes me feel jussst great, sometimes that girl could be so dumb.

“Ahuh…”

“Im sorry babe, look” she grabbed my hand “Im sure it isn’t, and im sure she’s just lying, and pretty

soon you’ll both know it, and things will just go back to normal”

“But they never were Rach, they never were normal between us. It was always one drama after

another, and when things were calm…I just didn’t know what to do with myself.”

“you love him? Despite him being an idiot?”

“very much, too much actually…” I admitted “I shouldn’t love him, hes my opposite. And he drives

me crazy, and he IS a bloody idiot most of the time”

She look over at me, “well then good luck, I think your really going to need it” she handed me my

coffee.

“yeah, I think your right.”

*************

What I didn’t need that morning was a road block, because just about everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong.

There I was in a car being driven to a central city hotel in London, being driven to see the woman

that in three days worth of newspaper interviews single handedly fucked my life right up.

I had paps following me every second, everywhere all the time. I had newspapers running stories on

me, from years ago - untrue, uninteresting, all lie basically….but they were there, and they were

happening. So there I was, going to talk to this woman, whom I had no desire to see, to talk to, or to

even think about.

The only woman I wanted to see, talk to and think about was the one woman that didn’t want to talk

to me.

And it was killing me.

“Now, j when we get in here I need you to just be quiet, she’s going to have her lawyer with her so

he’s going to be in on all of what you say…”

I nod.

“okay lets get this over and done with.”

As I reached the room, and the ajar door I took the deepest breath I knew how and I opened it,

closely followed by Ken.

There she was, a little different than the last time I remember her. Instead of the short, short skirt and

the killer heels and the see through tops, here she was as demure as any virgin.

In white, cotton and sporting a tiny bump. Tiny, but significant non the less.

“Justin, nice to see you again.” she smiled standing up.

Ms Melina Watson ladies and gentlemen. “Hey.” I said as I took my seat, with Ken on the other side

of the oak table which occupied the girl in question and her lawyer.

“Justin im so glad you finally agreed to meet me, really its all just been weighing on my mind.”

Your mind, bitch what about mine.

“im sure it has ms Watson”

“Ms Watson? Jesus you’ve changed your tune…last time you and I were in a hotel room like this, it

was a little bit more personal…remember.”

I saw her lawyer smirk, as sleazy as she was I guessed.

“Look im sorry but why did you want to meet? I mean im pretty sure you got a sweet deal from all

those paper articles and magazine spreads I’ve heard so much about…why do you even need me?” I

added bitterly.

I saw her blush “im sorry? But what else was I to do? I had to get your attention somehow, I mean you

wouldn’t answer my phone calls for gods sake! I needed…”

“Attention I get it, so what is it that you want from me.”

“I want you to acknowledge your child…” she patted her belly “and me…”

Was she high?

“Im sorry? Look…” I looked to ken. “would it be possible for us to talk…alone?”

She glanced to her sidekick, and he seemed to agree. And I gave ken the same look

They both excused themselves and left the room.

“So…Melina what do you want.”

She smiled, something that on the outside said sweet, but something in her eyes said something else

entirely. Sinister is what it was. “I want you to pay for what you did to me, the way you treated me,

it was shit…and now I want you to pay for it.”

“So what did you do? Go off the pill, plan it?”

She shrugged. “I was distressed after the way you treated me, I may have forgotten.”

“So you did do this on purpose….” I couldn’t believe someone could be so evil.

“you treated me like shit Justin for no reason, all I did was give you want you wanted…and you just

threw it in my face…”

“Look it was sex, it was a standard transaction of pleasure, that’s IT!!! It wasn’t meant to be

anything…ANYTHING other than sex, and call me crazy, but you didn’t strike as the kind of girl

who didn’t catch that drift.”

She just looked at me “maybe im not the kind of girl that didn’t know what you were after….but it

doesn’t mean Im okay with how it ended.”

“I threw you out, I get that I was a complete bastard, I get that…and for that I am sorry…look I was

going through some serious shit and I just wanted something…someone to take my mind off

things….you did that, and im sorry. I know I shouldn’t have used you the way I did, but it happened

and I really just want to move on from all of this…”

“because the bitch that dumped you, is now your new woman?”

“because I love that woman, and I owe her a shot at happiness…”

“with you? Ha, fat chance….you have to step up to this, you cant Imagine what kind of damage I

could do to your precious little image.”

“you really hate me that much?”

“I really hate you, that much…” she sat back on the chair.

“when is the baby due?” I asked trying to push back my anger.

“do the math, we did it four months ago, its now July almost August im due in November, the 15th to

be exact…”

I had three movies planned for release in the next three months. How selfish was I that that’s the first

thing that came to mind?

“Look I don’t believe that this kid of yours is mine….and that’s the long and short of it.”

She looked stunned “what-”

“No…Im sorry but I just don’t. I believe that you were hurt by the way I treated you, yes and I

apologised for that, but I don’t believe the baby is mine.”

“well then you are as stupid as I thought”

“No I think you think that ill step up to save my “Image” or my name or whatever, you think that ill just accept it and keep it quiet, and just give you all the money that you want or need…But im not gonna do that”

She took a sharp breath. “Im gonna go now, im going to request from you, and your lawyer friend that the DNA of the baby gets tested against mine…then im gonna take it from there.”

“you cant do that, you have NO authority here you realise that!! Im not gonna get stepped on again

by you….This is my call, its my body and I get to say what happens to it!!!

I got up, I just couldn’t stand being in the same room as her any longer, it was as if the air had

suddenly turned toxic.

“if you have nothing to hide from me, or the press, you’ll do it. If not I have no legal obligation to do

anything to help you…”

As I reached the door, she yelled “what about a moral obligation huh Timberlake? What about that??”

“If its my baby ill step, but only for the baby - I don’t want shit to do with you.” and I did it, I walked

out.

When I did I saw the strange looks from both men that sat outside the door.

“ken lets get outta here.”

*************

I hadn’t seen him in days, and in those days my work had suffered considerably - he was all I could think about. I hadn’t spoke to him much either, since he was either doing shows or interviews, or I had to read about him over my morning coffee.

It was awful. And what makes it worse is that everyone in the office building knew how I was, who I was dating and just exactly what was going on in my personal life. I cant describe the sheer intrusion that I felt when id hear people whispering about me, or Justin, or that girl. It was on tiny level - the same way j feels when the papers do this to him. I knew right then that I just couldn’t handle it if I were in his shoes.

I just couldn’t.

“Anita are the reviews in from the première? You know the ones that you were meant to have filed three hours ago?”

My boss opened my door and all in one sentence he made me jump.

“No…the mags haven’t sent them over yet I’ve emailed them, so it shouldn’t be long…ill have them

to you as soon as I get them.”

“good, try and not have be any longer, I need to get them over to Mr Shaw, as you know he’s.…”

“a very important client, I know sir, it wont be a problem.” I dismissed his look. The look most

senior staff had been giving me.

It basically said “you stupid girl, what are you doing mixed in all that publicity, its your job to serve it

not to have it in your life”

“Okay Anita, well.” he sighed, and for a second I think he gave me what he maintained to be a

“sympathy” look.

Jesus I was in hell, when even baldy mc bald was being nice to me.

“well okay, in a few minutes….Ill be right with you…and ill be all done.” I tried to dismiss.

When he exited I just want die, I just wanted to crawl up under my desk and die. I knew they were

all chatting, talking and gossiping about to the point where im sure Suzy the office slut ( yes that’s her

actual name, since she’s shagged most of the male employees) that her ears are about to pop off.

Just then my mobile went off.

“what?”

“Sorry…its just me.”

Justin, sounding as tired as I felt.

“oh, hello?” I was shocked to be honest. I didn’t expect him to call me.

“hey…look im sorry this last few days have been, well, hell” he sighed.

No shit.

“yes, they have…where are you?”

“Im” he sighs “Im in LA, I’ve had something to sort out with my lawyers with some stuff….”

“oh, I see…right well…how’s that going?”

What exactly did I say to him, I was still hurt, I was still angry and most of all I was lonely with out

him.

“yeah they said that it should take a few days to get things sorted in order to make her give a foetus

DNA test. So I hope if all goes well I should be back in the UK with you…”

“Justin what are you doing?”

“what?”

He was babbling - so unlike him. Ill be honest, I didn’t really know how to react to that. He was

usually so smooth and together.

“Justin breathe ok, just please breathe.”

“I cant.” he said in a lower voice than before. “I cant breathe Anita, I just cant seem to right

now…everything and everyone is just…there’s all this pressure and all these questions - over one

stupid mistake, and everything is ruined…including us.”

“Justin…”

“No…it is, cause I saw the way you looked at me that day on the bus, I saw…and I hear it in your

voice” his own voice was cracking. “I hear it.”

“hear what?”

“the disappointment…and its killing me.”

“Justin im not…”

“you are, and don’t lie okay…please there are enough people lyin’ to me right now, I don’t know if I

could take it from you too.” id heard him cry before. But this was a sob that he was trying to control.

And THAT killed me.

“baby are you okay?” I tried to ask.

“No…am not, I tired Nita. Im tired of all of this, im tired of being strong, of being responsible, an

adult, boss…im just tired of the act.”

“act?”

“don’t you get it? This whole thing, this whole image that im freaking out over, this stupid thing…its

not real…im just me, and im a dumbass, I make mistakes and I screw up but im not allowed to do that….to them im meant to be this thing, this idea of what people look up to, or admire or whatever, and to be honest I don’t think I can do that any more.”

“I know the real you sweetheart, and im not disappointed.”

Well, maybe a little…

“well ill tell you something then.”

“what?”

“Im disappointed in myself, and I think that’s worse…I’ve let you down, i’ve let my family down

and i’ve let me down.”

“because of one stupid night with one woman…Justin please…”

“I shouldn’t have done it…”

“slept with her?”

“No…well yes that too…but Nita, I treated her like shit, the way I talked to her, the way I just

dismissed her, i’ve never talked to a woman like that in my life, and now…now im fucked.”

“you know, this isn’t the end of the world J, you could deal with this and come out the other side a much stronger person.”

“im not ready to be a father Anita, and im certainly not ready to parent with a woman like

that…she’s PURE evil.”

I had to laugh, mainly because it was exactly what I thought.

“I know, but you could…try?”

Why was I doing this, giving him this pep talk when I was the one hurting too…he should have been

consoling me for crying out loud. But it was the people pleaser side of me again, the side of me that

just needed everyone and everything to be okay, and to like me and praise me. I think it’s a only child

complex I haven’t come across yet.

“I miss you.” he said

“I miss you too, you know that if you need me, ill be there…ill come over right now and we’ll do this” I managed to summon all my courage in that one sentence.

He was silent over the wire for a wile, then he sighed. “No you know I think you had the right idea the first time, right now things are real messed up, so I think the space thing is…”

“so the space dealing with things on your own, your okay with that? Cause I have to say, you don’t

SOUND okay.”

“Im not…but…FUCK!!! I hate this, I fucking hate this!! Space? that’s the last thing I need from you…the rest of them maybe…but not you…you I need here, now…”

I sighed, I knew how he felt. I wanted nothing more than to crawl up with him and hide underneath

my favourite pink blanket and just be.

But that was a dream, this was the real world, with real problems. Problems that couldn’t be denied or brushed under the carpet.

There was a child that need a father, and the father that need anything but a child since in essence he was still a child himself in many ways.

“I love you Justin, I just need you to remember that okay?”

He was silent. “is that it for us?”

It did feel final didn’t it?

“Im only a phone call away if you need to talk, or anything…but for right now…”

“I know…space.”

He sighed again.

“ I love you….” and with that he clicked off. And I didn’t know it then, but it would be quite a while

till I heard from him again.

Quite a while.

Ok, since i hadnt updated in like a year lol Ive come with two chapter!! I hope there are some people still reading this! If so! I loooove the reviews, even if you think its total crap! Much love, xx



I didn't know where to turn, everything was rolling out of control.

Rumours where flying, people where calling, Melina was milking her "trauma" like she was someone in Desperate Housewives or something. All the while refusing the DNA test, on the grounds that it could kill her baby. Which yeah, is a slight possibility, and no matter how fucked up the situation was, I didn't want a child to die. Mine or otherwise, the baby was the innocent in all this sordid mess.

So we decided to wait it out, five months usually seemed like nothing, a blip on my radar, but this five months I was sure, would be the longest of my lifetime, weeks had to go by until the baby was strong enough to withstand a needle and the trauma, so I agreed to her request and we actually started communicating - a good thing in my book.

My friends said Anita was abandoning me, that she was copping out and leaving me to deal with things on my own. For a second I thought that too, but to be honest I was glad I didn't have to look her in the eye and see her pain.

She'd hurt me at one point, that's true, but a child…a child would be a constant reminder that id used someone in a way I never should. In order to forget the pain she had caused me when we went round the merry go round the first time, id gone an created a whole new set of problems for us by getting a woman I didn't know from jack - knocked up. Poetic justice or what huh? Or is it Karma? Hell at this point I didn't know up from down.

By September Id only called her twice. Just to check in. she was fine, or so she said. The next few times id heard about it her, it was via Trace being my messenger and Rachel being hers. Cowardice possibly but it was just hard. But I realised that as much as I missed her, and missed us, hearing her voice, her laugh, just made me miss her more.

And on top of everything else, I knew I didn't need that. So I stopped calling her. I just stopped, the same old thing, dial all but the last number kind of thing. It wasn't like I blamed her for bailing, im sorry to say it but I guess I would have done the same thing myself. I understood it, and I knew she would be there for me if I asked her too, if I really needed her too. But I didn't want to put her through that - this…Trace hated me since I was using him as my go between, he talked more with my girlfriends best friend than me, his actual best friend. But I think he was growing quite sweet on her "hot English accent" As he put it.

And then there was the media had started to backlash on the lack of co operation I was providing them. In the sense that I hadn't said shit against Melina's comments. And I didn't plan too. Not until the baby came and was tested.

%%%%%%

Id made it till October, and I was still alive. Not something I would have said in August had you asked me. Then all I wanted to do was drown in my own wallowing. Or in my bathtub full of marks and sparks bubble bath - which ever came first.

His absents was like someone took a knife and gutted me, that's how empty I felt.

I miss his stupid smile, his stupid jokes, his eyes, his lips and everything that was attached to them.

I just missed him.

I called a few times, as did he, but the calls where hard. In the sense that they were awkward, our calls were never like that.

We had the pauses, the silence that seemed to go on forever, all of it. Just because neither of us knew what to say.

It sucked, as his American friends would say.

"woman, what are you doing?"

It was Rachel. "drowning in ice-cream, want to join me?" I offered her a tub.

"No…Jesus Christ…" she looked around the flat. and yes she was right with the motherly looks, it

was a shit hole.

"Im not even going to ask."

"fine, then don't okay? Im not in the mood to be mothered today thanks."

"You were doing just fine, I don't get it…what's with the depression, and the return of the snoopy

PJ's?"

"Nothing…" I faked.

Then she shoved some papers off the couch and sat down, noticing the one on top.

"Awe, I see…"she flipped open HEAT.

It was Justin, and that woman…something about shopping…baby's and cuteness…

Needless to say I wanted to be sick all over it. But I didn't, I just got queasy on skinny cow ice-

cream.

"remember you're the one that stopped it with him, you're the one…"

"that's making herself a miserable old maid, yes thank you im aware." I snapped it off her.

"I know." I looked her up and down. "your all dressed up, where are you off too tonight?"

She smiled proudly, "I have a date!"

"With Dave?" her newest conquest.

"Nope…someone else…" she flipped her long black hair behind her ears.

"Who?"

She looked at me, then she looked away, "No one you know, and besides its just the first time we've

agreed to meet, so I don't want to jinks it."

"your not doing the online thing are you, cause that is seriously risky!"

"No, come on, what do you take me for?!"

"an easy slut?" I laughed at her shocked reaction.

"whatever missus, im leaving…don't wait up okay, ill fill you in tomorrow"

And so I was alone….again.

Not that I was having a problem with that its just as I glanced down at the pictures in the magazine I

felt the all too familiar twinges in my heart.

I missed him too much to just let him go through this alone. He needed someone and so did I, why

couldn't we need together?

Having told my mother what was going on, having told my closest friends what was really happening,

I was feeling a little bit more relieved. It didn't stop the inside of my head from hurting from the

amount of thinking I was doing….

Being in LA with Melina was strange. She had agreed to come over so we could do the DNA tests. It

hadn't been the easiest thing in the world, getting her on the plane.

I had to bribe and beg just to get her to come to me, she insisted that she stay with me…needless to

say I STRONGLY disagreed but it was lesser of the two evils and I agreed.

She seemed nice, nicer than when we met in the hotel in London. She chalked it down to "hormones"

and "pressure" and well, a bunch of other shit.

I hated having her in my house, it was like I said extremely strange and uncomfortable. But I was glad

I had trace there to back me up, and to keep her ass in a distance. Though he would disappear with his

passport for two or three days at a time, when she arrived he stuck around, thankfully.

"Justin?"

"yeah?"

she smiled, coming down my stairs in her PJ's, her small bump looking incredibly out of place with

her slim body and ENORMOUS boobs.

"you want a cuppa?"

"um, no im fine thanks…Melina?"

"yes?"

"when do you think you'll be ready to do the test?" she looked at me then, and her happy face faded.

"oh…well I…"

"its just" I butted "you've been here a few days and as much as I appreciate you coming all this way

and all, I really want to just get this over and done with…you know?"

"you want me to go home? You want to get rid of me?"

GOD YES.

"No of course not, you've been nice, and non threatening since you've been here" I tired to smiled to

lighten it if nothing else, " and im glad we're getting along an all, but I have a girl friend and I want to

get things back on track with her as soon as I can, and I cant do anything with her until I know - one

way or another about you and the baby."

She pouted slightly, "well you know I haven't been feeling all that well…" she ran her hand through

her hair, " I think it was the flights if im honest"

It was first class, all the way -I should know, I paid for it.

"well you said everything was fine?? And you were fine yesterday when you met my mom? What

changed?"

Nothing im guessing. She was quite the little actress.

"you know Justin" her tone became harsh "Im really trying here, you know? Im really trying to just be

civil and friendly and to bond with you, cause you know we're gonna need it once we're parents I

just want things to be okay for the kid, you know?"

"I know, and im sorry but you have to see my point here?"

She just rolled her eyes. "what-the-hell-ever."

She stormed off up stairs to the guest bedroom and I heard the slam of the door.

"WOMAN ARE MENTAL!!!" I yelled out of frustration more than anything. I just couldn't fucking

win, one way or another I always seemed to upset her!! And she wasn't even my girlfriend for god

sake.

I climbed the stairs and knocked gently on her door.

She was crying when I walked into the room "Go away…"

"Melina, im sorry."

"no your not, your still that guy Justin, the same self centred asshole that made this" she patted her

stomach " happen, and that's really hurtful"
"but I don't get why you expect me to change, I am who I am - I cant help it"

"you can you know, you can. You can do whatever you want, and I know…or at least I think I know

that you want to be a good dad…good dads aren't selfish…"

"Haven't I been good to you? Haven't I ? I mean i've kept my temper in check, i've given you

everything you asked for since you got here, i've taken care of you when I said I wouldn't! to me that constitutes change, at least a little bit any ways…"

I don't know why I was bending over backwards to please her, possibly it had something to do with

her crying - I couldn't stand women when they cried, or even worse when I was the one that was making them cry. Or then again it could have something to do with the guilt trip my mother laid on me when she arrived to "meet" Melina.

She gave her the once over, she talked to her, and the she yelled at me! Needless to say, shit went down!!!

She wiped her tears and sat up, inches from me. "Justin, you remember when we met in that club?

Remember? You talked to me, like you liked me….NOW? You hate me…and I cant stand that."

"I did like you…" I admitted "but I just wasn't looking for anything serious, and this…this is pretty damn serious - and it was just thrust on me and i've had no time to think…its been one thing after another."

"you think it any different for me?"

"you said you planned it…."

She rolled her eyes, this time more at her self than anything "I was angry at you, but im not stupid.

When you spurned me like you did after all the sweet talking and promises…"

Can you tell my guilt increased ten fold? Yeah, well, it did!

"I was feeling pretty lousy, so I went out for nights after and got completely shit faced drunk,

high…you name it…but I didn't plan on this. When I went to the doctors for that blood test, I was

feeling tired all the time, then she told me? And I swear I almost fell off my chair…."

Hearing her talk, just normally talking…it reminded me what DID attract me to her that night. You

know, besides her looks…she was engaging, for the most part when she wasn't yelling at me.

It was nice, compare to all the hate and mess we'd been going through for weeks.

The contrast was sweet almost. It was like she was almost human!

"Look ill make you a deal…" I opened "I wont lie to you any more, if you do the same? I don't

honestly know how much more drama I can take right now Melina, this shit is hard and im not used

to any of it!

She patted me on the arm, and moved closer. Which I wouldn't have noticed had it not been for the

bump. Her eyes seemed to soften, there was almost a "look" from her.

"Justin, you know, we're both in this thing together so I just think that we should lean on each other as much as possible - you've been good this last few weeks and I think I should return the favour" she leaned in again.

"wh-what?"

she laughed slightly, "Justin" her accent ran out though the room "I can tell that even in

my…enlarged state - there is still an attraction there….I know there still is from my side of things, and look we're both alone right now…So why not take advantage of that" she scooted closer.

See I was still in shock with the whole "civilest, softening looks etc" so being hit on by a heavily pregnant woman, wasn't something I was expecting.

"there was an attraction Melina, but sweetie that ended…Im in love…"

She rolled her eyes "with Anita, who's so damn perfect…yes I know! But she's not here, I am! she's

not having your first born, I am…she left you to deal with this on your own, what kind of woman

does that!" just as she was about to continue I heard another voice, and accent, a yell.

"AND WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WOMAN TRAPS A ONE NIGHT STAND BY GETTING

HERSELF UP THE DUFF! YOU SLUT…"

Anita entered the bedroom like she was ready to throw down, heels on, jeans and a tight black wrap

top.

"wha-" Melina mouthed, "what the hell are you…."

"doing here?

I was still staring in disbelief…she was here…after all this time, she was in front of me…and by the

looks of things ready to do some whacking.

"Nita, you're here"

"Hi…" she smiled at me then turned her mean face back to whatshername.

"Look you stupid cow I don't know what the hell you think your doing, but the man whose leg you

were feeling up just now, he's my boyfriend, you get that? That means you don't touch again…"

"is that right?" Melina faced up to her and I had to stand up. Only for Anita to push me back into my

sitting position.

Damn, as ego rubbing as having two fine chicks fight over me was, I knew then…this had nothing to

do with me.

"what if he wants me to touch him again?"

"He doesn't thank you very much!" Nita yelled

"how the hell would you know what he wants, you haven't been here, you haven't seen him in months for fuck sakes, what kind of so called girl friend does that."

Anita dropped her small bag that she had swung round her shoulder. "you know what? i've been asking' myself that a lot this last few months…" she turned to me then "i've been a shithead and total selfish shit, and im sorry…I love you darling."

See, me, smiling, wide.

"and you…look you may be having his baby, but that doesn't give you any kind of say in his life, your

just…a mistake he made."

"you're a cruel bitch you know that?" Melina spat, huffing now. And Nita squared up to her again.

"and you're a lying manipulative cow, but you've dealt your hand haven't ya…live with it."

With that she picked up her bag and shimmied out of the room just as she arrived.

As you can imagine, I closely followed.

*******************

Jesus, my hands were shaking, my nerves were totally on edge.

When Trace let me in and told me where Justin was, my heart stopped. SHE was living here?

And then I saw her cosy her ass up to him, and knew it was only a matter of time before she made her

move again - snake.

Id dealt with her on a "professional" level before. She had sold a number of kiss and tells on

footballers, actors, and now she's added a singer to her list. When I first met her, she was getting

money off of me, for the paper, and in the process shagging up someone's marriage, the guilt thing

came into play again, and now that the shoe was on the other foot.

I didn't like the fit.

"baby…" Justin came bursting into his bedroom with a massive smile. "what the hell, I had no idea

you were here, that you were coming…." his smile widened and he hugged me. A big giant hug that

was so powerful it took my feet off the ground.

The familiar smell of his aftershave, mixed with his clothes and just the over all scents of Justin (if

that becomes a 'thing' I call copyright,) they all hit me, and I got it right then. I only thought id

missed him, seeing him again just made me realise how much.

"why are you crying sweetheart?" he asked me as we took a seat on his overly huge bed. His hand

never leaving mine.

"I don't know, I just miss you so much and it was ALL my own stupid fault…J, she's right…I should

have been here…Instead, where was I? wallowing in my own self pity! Im pathetic!"

He laughed "you are not, you just needed time to adjust, I totally get that."

"but I should have done that WITH you…"

"Anita, please…im just so glad you're here now." he moved in and tipped my jaw towards him, he

wet his lips a little and fixed his stare on me like I was something he'd been craving all this time.

And then there was his kiss, the needy kind that make you tingle from head to toe - and all the places

in between.

Id thought about this moment for weeks….and what does he do…

He stops?

"Justin!!"

He laughs at me, the shit. "Im just locking the door, remember we have nosy people here now…"

Oh…

The key snaps shut in the lock and without skipping a beat he whips his Lakers top off all the while

heading in my direction.

My heart immediately starts to race, and its like I can feel all the blood flow through my body all at

once.

And my hands start shaking, but this time for a different reason.

"I have missed you so much…"

"we should be talking…sorting things out…" I added flushed as he pushed me gently on my back and

started showering my neck with the softest most torturous kisses along my neck line.

"oooor?" he giggled "we could do this…and talk later…much later…" his voice lowered as did his

hands, right to the bottom of my wrap sliding up and over my head, then just as fast he started in on

my waist.

"talking is important…" I rambled as he finished undressing me and I…assisted on undressing him.

First thought? He'd been working out….big time. His once "all most there six pack" had become

something else entirely. Toned to perfection, firm, hard….

He didn't really need to do anything right then, all I could do was look at him, and id be one happy

bunny.

"Anita are you listening to me?"

Huh, it seems his body actually had put me into some kind of stupor

"huh?"

"you wanna get in?" he pointed under the covers. And I snapped out of it and followed him, and his hot body….NOT that im shallow or anything but come on, months of nun like living had taken its toll. He'd be lucky if I ever let him leave the bed again, ever, even for food….

This time I couldn't help myself and started kissing him, starting with the lips I missed so much and then moving on to his neck, his neck vein was going crazy - which indicated other parts of him were too.

I stared him out as I stood up inside his bed, and finished the job he started, when I removed my panties.

I swear the temperature in the room tripled.

After that no amount of hints to slow down could stop him, and if im honest. I was just as frantic. Feeling his skin against mine knowing that he wanted me just as bad as I wanted him, knowing that each kiss was born out of sheer need and want, and a desperation to just BE with one another, it heightened everything in me.

Just the idea of being that intimate with him again, I knew my…lets say "appreciation" for the sex skills he offered had been a tad - vocal in the past.

Namely, Rachel took upon herself to book herself a hotel room if she knew he'd be staying over…I

was loud, and this time…Knowing we had an audience, well…lets just say I didn't hold back in ANY

way. And come to think about it, neither did he.

Not that we had anything to prove mind you…

"What are you doing? Its 6am!" I shouted to her from the window as she swam slowly in the pool below.

"I cant sleep! Come join me!"

As I approached her in the light blue water of my pool, she smiled as she wiped her wet hair from her

face, "Morning"

"good morning you're up early."

She smiled again " I think im still on my time, so its later with me right now…it always messes with

me if I come here!"

I hopped in to the cool water, that instantly woke me up "ah, why didn't you switch on the heater?"

"Im British sweethearrrrt, this is melting weather for me, I needed to cool down."

I laughed at her as I looked on " well, last night was….fun."

"wasn't it?" she giggled and then rolled her eyes " is she up yet?"

And then I couldn't help but roll mine. "no I don't think so…thank god to be honest, Im glad we get

a little time"

"Justin!!!!!!!!!!!!" came the yell before I got out my last word.

It was Melina, "SHIT!"

With that Anita let go of my hands and swam away from me "So much for alone time huh?" and with

that she climbed out of the pool and walked into my pool house.

And I went towards the yelling.

I got to the top of the stairs and rounded the corner "yes?"

She was sitting in the chair by the window, "what are you doing?"

"what?"

"i've been calling you for like…well a long time!! I need you to take me shopping today."

"that's what you called me up here for? Jesus Melina, I know you cant drive here, but couldn't it have

waited??"

"NO, just because SHE decides to show up after all these months doesn't mean you can neglect me!!

Im the one carrying your child after all!"

My head suddenly hurt like hell.

"Im not getting into this with you again, its far too early for this shit! she's my girl, you understand? I

don't love you I love her…deal with that will you?"

I could tell simply by the way his feet hit the stairs he was beyond pissed off at her.

"Fucking bitch."

"excuse me?"

"Not you, her…." he sighed "Im sorry…."

"don't be" I buttered my toast and offered him a peace. "ill deal with it, I wouldn't have come here

had I not known what I was walking into…don't let her get to you okay?"

"she's not, I just worry that shell get to you…"

"Justin, it'll take more than some walking talking whoring Barbie-gone-wrong to get my goat, im

made of tougher stuff babes, and its bout time she saw that."

"is this the part where you tell me your strong and willing to deal with her no matter what?" he bit

into the toast

"no this is the part where I kiss you good morning and we all go shopping together."

He looked at me as if id lost my head, and just maybe I had. But I had to try something with her, I

wasn't about to let cocaine Barbie get the better of me again. She'd done it once, I was scared and

new to the idea of her being in my man's life, but not any more. It was time I bucked myself up and

started acting like the woman I was.

And I could just as scheming as she was, if not worse, after all I was a gossip columnist for three

years, she would be just another piece of fodder id use to get to the bottom of my story.

It was after 9 when Melina finally 'graced' us with her presence, and the air you could have cut with a

knife.

But I decided if I wanted rid of her, id kill her….with kindness.

So I greeted her with a smile and a strong cup of tea.

"thank you, Jesus since i've been 'ere I haven had a decent cuppa." she sat at the table next to Justin.

"no, that's the thing, these Americans are ALL about their coffee, they don't know how to make a

good cup of tea, do you darlin?"

Justin again looked at me as if to say "what the fuck?" but I nodded and he seemed to get that I was

just playing along.

"um, yeah I guess that's what it is, sorry…."

"no, don't be sorry, you more than make up for it….in other ways." the bitch (yes that's her name

from now okay?)looked at me as she spoke to Justin, again I just held my piece and sipped my tea.

"Melina? What time did you want to go shopping?"

"what?"

"well you know Justin, men are just NO good at picking out flattering clothes are they, for us I

mean.. Justin I wont even bring up that hideous hat you thought would look cute on me, remember

you bought it in convent garden, god it was awful."

"hey, that WAS cute on you…girl you have no taste."

"please, it was awful, Mel…you don't mind if I call you Mel do you?" I could call you a lot of other

things too.

She looked confused. GOOD

"um, no of course not…."

"well…I think we should set off in a few minutes, beat midday rush an all…I wouldn't mind calling

to the Beverly centre, they have some wicked shops. And then onto Rodeo drive, J what you think?"

"bargains and then bling is that it Nita?" he smiled

"oh, you know me, I love a good bargain." I leaned over and much to her disgust I kissed him "give

me a sec till I get my bag love."

I heard her sigh as I left the table, I was sure I was going to make today as uncomfortable for her as this last few months had been for me.

The cow.

As we walked around the various shopping establishments that resided on rodeo drive I was aware that even though she held my hand and engaged in conversation with me she was totally concentrated on the other woman in our company.

She would slide me glances every now and then letting me know that she was still on this planet.

"Nita" I whispered "are you sure your okay with this?"

She just nodded "Justin would you mind getting me a star bucks? I think the jet lag is getting to me…"

"um, sure…." I thought it rude not to ask the semi-heavily pregnant woman next to me if she'd like

one "Melina anything??"

"um, decaf latte please"

"cool, we'll just be in here." she pointed to LV.

"sure??" I asked her again, and she just rolled her eyes

"j, please come on, im fine!!" With that she leaned in and kissed me again, well aware that Melina was

looking on, and it was a sure certainty that there was some kind of photographer in the bushes.

I just decided to let her do whatever the hell it was she was doing.

****

"you know I think its awful"

"what?" I looked over at her as we browsed the bags section.

"you, you really are threatened by me aren't you?"

"ex-cuse me?" bitch

"well its just pathetic to be honest, I mean you really think he's going to have time for someone who

just ups and leaves him when he's in turmoil, someone who has NO backbone what so ever….its

sad."

I was for the first time, speechless. Who the hell did this slut think she was.

"id heard all about you, you know. How you lied to him, and convinced him you were someone

else….and then you have the cheek to come up in my face?" she laughed "like I said pathetic"

Was it wrong to slap pregnant women????

"the only reason I lied to him was because of people like you, using the papers and their writers in

order to fuck him up, made him hate us all by association, he meant a lot to me, not that you'd know

what the hell that means."

"wouldn't I ?"

"No because your selfish, im in love with him and him with me, so whatever you've got….bring it on, because im not leaving him again, I needed time to get my head around this, and you…i've done that now. And im more than ready for anything you have to throw at me, or Justin."

"is that right?" she stood, bump fully on display as we argues silently as we browsed the small exclusive isles of clothing and accessories.

I managed to pick up a bag I was after before she caught on to what id said last.

"what did you mean back there?"

"I meant nothing…" I lied terribly. Then I paused, just to piss her off a little more.

"but be up and ready tomorrow morning at 9 if you can."

"why?" she all but shrieked.

"'cause, i've arranged for a doctor to come to the house and get a sample of the baby's DNA."

Her mouth dropped. "you have no right to-"

"- Actually I bloody well do, your fucking with my life, with Justin's life and im tired of it, im tired

of hearing him down and deflated, now…I truly don't believe that this kid of yours is his, call me

crazy…"

"crazy!!"

"BUT I just don't believe it, but if it is the case, id like to know now."

"So, you can do a runner again or what?" she argued into my ear. Her fake hair falling about her chest

as she moved.

"Like I said im not going anywhere….you on the other hand will be out of our hair as soon as those

results come in. thank god."

She smiled "and what happens when it is true? What then? Legally I don't to anywhere!"

"well, your right, but sweethearrrt" I mocked her east end accent. "till you pop, you don't have shag

all to do with Justin. So you'll be going home, and ill be going on holiday with MY boyfriend"

And with that I walked away, shit I didn't believe a word I said myself, I was shocked she believed my

act. But I need to summon up some false courage otherwise she'd get the better of me again and I just

couldn't have that.

She just walked away from me, but I wasn't done "if you are telling the truth you shouldn't want to

wait, prove me wrong, shove it in my face if you like, I would think you'd want to be proven right"

I saw tears in her eyes "what's with all the procrastination?

"you know why, its dangerous to the baby that's all, I don't want to harm my baby just for the sake of

settling some annoying girls curiosity."

"and Justin's? What about his??"

With that Justin made his entrance with the three sealed cups on a cardboard tray. Needless to say he

sensed the tension.

"wh-whats goin on here? Nita, is everything okay?"

Annnnd I couldn't hold my breath. "No its bloody not okay, I told her I arranged for a doctor to

come tomorrow and take the tests…and she's STILL refusing"

He looked straight at me then, with shock in his eyes more than anything.

"I didn't ask you to do that Anita."

Now call me a nutter but almost sounded as if he were mad at me.

"what?"

He looked at her and then at me again. This time she was smiling, somewhat smugly.

"I never ask you to book anything, and you never even told ME about this….where you planning on

it?"

"well I just thought-"

"that you wouldn't consult me, of all people on what should be done?? Is that it?"

Bastard WAS mad at me.

I lowered my voice this time because I noticed the snooty assistant looking in our direction.

"No…I just….I wanted to help, and I thought…."

"Jesus Christ Anita, I told you, I was waiting, mine or not I don't want to put this baby at risk…i've

read up on it, a test like that is really dangerous. And besides I don't want you dealing with this, its

really not something you have to worry about…."

Melina smiled wider this time and added "Ooh, did I forget to mention that little detail…oh im ever

so sorry"

You're a BITCH did I mention that?????

I was so embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt that he basically said this wasn't my business. Practically

anyway.

I was either going to hit him or her…no I wasn't I was going to rise above it and walk away.

Red faced as it were.

"oh, well, im…sorry, I just…Oh never mind….Um Justin if you don't mind im gonna go" I pointed

weakly at the door.

"what? Babe no…come on I didn't mean to snap at you I just…"

"No…really its fine…you two go, she needs new clothes anyway doesn't she…um yeah im just

going to go…walk." I was so shocked, all the time I thought that my opinion, my presence actually

mattered to him, that he NEEDED me to…I don't know, protect him from her evilness or

something stupid like that, I guess I was wrong, he'd already fallen for the evil charms of that

whore….

And it wasn't something I "had to worry about" I mean could he have been anymore insensitive? He

can be such a prick when he wants to be you know, I don't even know why I bother…..

***************************************************************************************

I stared at her as she flipped through the railing of clothes pushing her bump out as much as she could

Anita I saw through the window crossing the street to the other shops, she had placed her shades on her eyes…I knew I had upset her by snapping…it was just the stress of having them both there it just got to me. I’m an asshole I know.

“Where you two arguing before I came in?”

“No…” the she-devil smiled sweetly “course not, we were just chatting, mostly about handbags….you know

girls…”

“And the subject of the doc?”

“oh that, she just brought it up, said something about wanting me out of the way…”

“really?”

“yes, Justin I don’t know what you see in her really, i’ve met her a few times through her work and

mine….and she’s always been really rude to me, and now is just ten times worse for god sakes….and

she has a terrible temper too…”

“she’s passionate what can I say, it’s a flaw - but its one I love.” I couldn’t help but smirk as my remark caused her to scowl.

“she got in my face Justin, and THIS” she motioned her bump, “has nothing to do with her, this is

between you and me….I don’t want her interfering.”

“Inte- okay look…Melina, she’s my girlfriend ok, she’s not going anywhere - and she’s dealing with a

lot right now okay? I want you to respect her”

“why? She doesn’t respect me?”

“well.” I sighed and I remembered why I stayed single for so long. Women were just too damn

unpredictable. “try? Okay? Just…try.”

We spent the rest of the day just shopping for her growing bump, and I had to admit when she wasn’t yelling or screaming she was not bad to look at, or even to talk too. I know Anita was just trying to help, but id been dealing with this, and her for months and id done a good job of keeping her from bitching at me, and or selling anymore stories. I wanted to keep the peace as it were. And Anita showing up just threw a massive spanner in the works.

I was so happy she decided to give us another chance, because despite the madness - she was my salvation, just seeing her made me less freaked, less stressed and I felt her love in return.

I just had to find a way of balancing the two, keeping them both happy and not driving myself insane in the process???

Easier said than done right???

******************

“And her took her side?”

“Yes, he fucking took her side? I mean I was just trying to help him, lighten the load - as it were? But

noooo, fuck him and fuck her! Im coming home!!”

“NO don’t do that!” I heard her panic.

“why the hell not?” I stretched out on his bed

“well I mean….you don’t want her to win do you?? I know your made of stronger shit than that

glorified stripper”

“oook, but why the panic”

“the what sorry?”

“the panic, you panicked, what’s that about??”

I heard some shuffling in the background. “Rachel?? What the hell is going on over there”

She sighed “I have…um…company?”

“the kind with a dick?”

She laughed “yes, okay but….well look just worry about your own man for now, worry about mine

later.”

“ok fine but please don’t do it in my room again” the last time I had to disinfect everything “just in

case” it was awful.

“I wont, love you…take care okay?”

“I will….” just as I hug up the phone I heard the door, and chattering. I walked out into the hall above

them, and to be honest the sight I saw stung my heart. Literally it hurt me to see him laughing with

her, happy even.

“baby we brought some Chinese? You hungry? I got your favourite.”

I tried to chipper my tone, but I just couldn’t. “No, my stomach isn’t feeling all that great, ill pass on it.”

“you sure??” they both worked together, well if you ask me. A little too well.

“Im sure….” she bumped him out of her way with her hips and he laughed, that cute giggle laugh he

did WITH ME.

This was hell, I was sure of it.

“Im sure, I think im just going to go lie down for a while.”

Justin turned to me then, noticed my scowl and took a breath “well if your sure, a rest might do you

good.”

See, he didn’t give a shit that I was upset, too busy feeding his whore.

I didn’t answer them I just walked away, depressed beyond anything and feeling a real urge to cry.

And I would too, just as soon as I was out of ear shot.

For three days the tensions continued in the house, and every time they’d be in the room together

either each would give the silent treatment, or yell the house down at each other all over the point of

Melina taking the test -from one extreme to another. I wasn’t sure how much more if it I could

handle to be honest, there was just this weight, of trying to keep them both content, that I was losing

my mind and my nerves in the process. Something had to give, and soon. Before I ended up starkers as Anita would say…

It was after 5pm when Melina decided that she would go visit some friends, so I agreed to drop her off. And I was more than relieved when she said she’d be spending the night with them. Thank god. Finally some much needed time with my girl.

We needed to talk, seriously sit down and talk. I think we both thought that we could just pick up where we left off- and I wanted it that. But things were different now, and in a few short months my life had changed, and was going to change dramatically. I needed her, I wanted her with every fibre of my soul, but with all the change….would she still want me?

She didn’t sign on for me plus illegitimate child and baby mamma dramas, she just signed on for me,

and for fun….this was NOT fun.

We both had to just decide.

Once and for all.

I crept up the stairs as silently as I could. But when I walked into the room she wasn’t in bed. She was

standing on the deck looking out over the skyline view I had from my room. She had a tissue, my

god. She was crying?

“Anita?” I put my hand on her shoulder, and she jumped.

“Jesus DON’T do that!”

“are you-”

“Don’t okay…”

“what?” I have to admit I was shocked at her tone with me.

“Don’t ask me if im okay one more time! isn’t it obvious im not fuckin’ okay?”

“well how would I know that, you’ve barely spoken two words to me ALL day.”

She rolled her eyes and looked out at the view again “you’ve been a little busy.” she added coldly.

“so that’s what this is about? Anita i’ve been trying okay? But I just don’t know what it is you want

from me.”

“I want you to be on my side, like im on yours, I want you to defend me, pay a little attention to ME

is that so much to ask?”

“you’ve been here a matter of days, and all of which i’ve BEEN with you!!, what more attention

could I be giving you, you walked away from me today AGAIN, when it was you that suggested we

spend the day together….”

“I walked away from you and her, after you embarrassed me - again!.”

“how did I do that.”

“you practically said that this whole thing is NOT my concern, that ‘I should bother worrying about

it‘, I believe is what you said - AGAIN!!. Every time I opt to TRY and help you, you throw it in my face!”

“you know that’s not how I meant it, baby…” I reached out for her again, but she shunned me.

“fuck off.”

“Anita I am dealing with all this change as much as you, and I don’t really know what to

do. I just need to get things taken care of”

“That’s what I was trying to do, Jesus, Justin she’s playing you, and you don’t even see it!!! I read up

on these tests too you know, its one in like 100-000 babies suffer complications, not death or

anything, just premature labour, and she’s far enough along for it to be okay even if anything happened!!!! She doesn’t want the tests done because she’s hiding something. Open your eyes will

you for god sakes…before its too late.”

“too late for what exactly?” I could be just as rigid as her.

“Too late for us darling.” with that she walked away from me for the third time in a day.

*******************

It seemed like I had spent the whole day avoiding him, I started out believing that I could handle it, that I could deal with her being the constant third wheel in the relationship I shared with Justin, I really believed it would be okay.

Now? Well now I was just deflated and pissed off!

“Anita DON’T walk away from me again okay? i’ve spent all damn day chasing after you, and im through!” I heard the temper, I didn’t like his temper.

It took a lot for him to yell. And this time he was practically hollering.

“we agreed to be together, didn’t we? Despite what you did” he said and I saw red, he swore to me he’d never use that against me.

Wanker.

“I thought we were over that?”

“we ARE Im just saying, it was a hurdle wasn’t it?”

“yes, so?”

“So this is just another one, we can come out of this strong.”

My strength felt pretty used up at that second, and that’s when the tears started falling.

“Can we?? Im not so sure….”

“why?” he reached out for me again.

“Justin i’ve been kidding myself, I thought all I needed was you, that all you needed was me-”

“I DO need you” he said sincerely and his baby blues just scored into my soul again.

“Justin, if this is your baby, what then? she’s always going to be around, then there is a child to

consider….I just don’t know if I can do this j….”

“its hard, I know that but come on….you are my rock, I need you right now?!” His eyes and everything in him pleaded with me in that second.

“and what about what I need?”

“what’s that? Tell me please?? I cant be here for you if you don’t talk to me….”

My tears turned to the ugly sobbing cry that I sometimes fell into. “ I need you to love me, to be

there for me, for there not to be this other woman! Not be a woman pregnant with your baby!!! A

woman that ISN’T me!! Do you know how much that hurts??? i’ve tried to be grown up about it but I just cant any more! I love you SO much!

So much that when your not there, your always in my thoughts, always…im always wondering…..but now all I can think about is how the man I love is becoming a parent, to a baby….that isn’t mine, that hasn’t got a thing to do with me.

And it HURTS!” I finally broke down, and got all my thoughts out - finally.

He just looked at me, as if he finally got why id been acting like a mental patient, and without saying anything, just took me in his arms and wrapped them fully around me, trying his best to calm me down.

“i’ve been selfish haven’t I?” he said quietly into my ear, as we just stood in his sitting room

embraced.

“no” I mumbled into his shirt “im just a crazy whore….”

“you’re not, i’ve been all this time - so focused on me, what effect this was having on MY life that I

never even considered what was going on in your head.”

“I thought I could do it Justin but I don’t think I can….”

“do what?”

This time I looked up from his shoulder breaking free of his arms “ Justin I don’t think I can be in

your life any more.”

I saw his eyes shift, as if he hadn’t heard what id said. “Justin I think….I think that this was a

mistake….” I walked to the window.

He coughed, ran his hands through his newly curling hair and sighed “so that’s it? Shit gets hard and

Your just gonna bail? Is that it?”

“NO! this shit isn’t just hard, its ice solid! Im losing my mind!”

“And im not??!”

“MAKE her take the damn test, stop wasting time and MAKE her!”

“Not this again.”

“yes, this again, im sorry for giving a shit about you, you clearly don’t give a shit that little miss “poor

and innocent” is playing you, once this kid gets popped here, she has her green card her child will be

an American citizen!”

“what?”

“Justin, she used to sell stories to me remember, she would prey on these men, American men

mostly - high profile to get herself noticed….she told me herself! For gods sakes, you’re just another

one of MANY, trust me!”

“why didn’t you tell me this before?” his expression frowned.

“because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt I suppose , but plainly put…the woman is a

bitch, and its time you saw it.”

“I…Look the baby is due in a month! We‘ve made it this far with it…why not just wait it out!”

“no, see it please? Make her take the test, and if it comes back that she’s telling the truth - ill back off

completely, ill even be NICE!” I said still crying, my nerves made me shake and my hands had

developed a slight tremor from being so worked up.

“I cant do that, it could kill the baby and I wont be responsible for that.”

“But I just told you-”

“no, I don’t care, that’s … that could be my baby, and I wont. Im sorry but NO!”

He roared at me, he flat out defended her again, that’s it.

I knew he’d gotten attached to the idea of a child, id heard it in his voice over the last few days, he wanted this.

“Fine, you know what FINE! You want to be a fool, you can be one all by yourself!”

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he folded his arms and approached me.

“it means im done, im over it, you can move her in here, her and her kid, and live miserably ever

after for all I care….”

“AJ…”

“No…We’re over!”

“just like that!” he stormed after me as I raced up the stairs.

“YES! NO! Not JUST like that! Its been months of sheer hell, of waiting for OUR life to start,

together for us to be a proper couple again, the kind that meets each other families, and friends and

goes skiing together!!” I rambled off as I searched for suitcase “but no, what are we doing? Babysitting

a pregnant wannabe porn star! Bloody charming!!”

“AJ, please think about this, im not doing this again!”

“this what!” we continued to yell at the top of lungs as I paced around his bedroom looking for my

things.

“THIS! FUCKING WITH EACH OTHERS HEADS, BREAKING UP - GETTING BACK

TOGETHER, IM TIRED!! IM JUST TIRED OF IT!!”

“WELL!!” I began, not really knowing what to say “FINE!”

“what?” he asked

“don’t deal with it any more, you wont have too! This is it, you insensitive prick!!” I threw his shirt at

his head! Immature, I know. “Im finishing this once and for all!”

“is that right” I don’t think he thought I was serious. But I was so angry I was as serious as a damn

heart attack!

“I don’t love you!” I yelled, and lied.

“is that right” he smirked clearly not believing me and infuriating me even more.

“NO, but I cant do this - be a third wheel in my own relationship. I deserve better”

He stopped chasing me, and I think it hit him that I wasn’t just being dramatic, I meant it.

He sat down on the bed in front of where I stood.

“you’re right, you do deserve better. You deserve someone who’ll be with you when you need him,

someone who wants to be in your life, not just to be there, but to make a life with you…not

someone who’s so involved with other dramas, he cant make any good ones with you….”

“Justin…” I softened.

“No…you are right Nita, this….its just not healthy, not for anyone…..you can get out of this….I

don’t blame you really…I wish I could…” he voice broke “I don’t blame you for wanting out…”

And with that, this time he was the one to walk away from me. Slowly he walked out of the room

and left me to pack.

Shit, it might have taken him a while to realise I was serious, but I think it took me even longer.

We were over?

I packed all I came with less, than a week before, I cried the whole time I have to admit. In the many, many, many times Justin and I have involved ourselves in the on again off again dance we did. This time if felt final, this time the ball was in his court and he wasn’t willing to play, to give in to me, to let me win this one.

It really was over.

As I pulled my cases to the bottom of the staircase I heard him shuffle from the other room. “i’ve arranged Tony to take you where ever you wanna go, he’s in the studio…”

“thanks” I matched his broken, sad tone, with my own.

“Do-” he took a breath as if he was holding back tears “Do you need help with those? Or anything?”

I looked at my bags. “No, thanks I can manage.”

He picked at his jeans and shuffled restlessly. “okay then, well um…have a good flight and um…”

“yeah.” I added to the awkward - not knowing what to say conversation.

We’d just broken each others hearts, what else was there left to say?

“AJ, I a…I just…wanted to say im sorry for all of this…for Melina, if I hadn’t - then we’d still…and

that kills me. Because I do love you. ”

Oh god, why did he have to be nice…

“its my fault, I lied to you, I deceived you and I hurt you, which made you do what you did, so really

its all my fault.”

“you didn’t force me to have sex with her? My own drunken stupid-ness did that all on its own”

Then there was a silence, a loud silence filled with all the words we both knew we needed to say

out loud, to say that we needed this to NOT be the way things ended. But I didn’t, and he didn’t

either. So I left, I got in the car and I was driven away.

I guess she won after all, my boyfriend took her word over mine. And that just wasn’t good enough

for me.

No matter how much I loved him.

It just wasn’t enough.

******************

She just left, she just packed and left, just like that. Id fallen for a liar, then id fallen again for this completely different person, ALL in the one woman.

And all in less than a year.

She’d allowed me to open my heart, and my mind to the things I really wanted, and the thing I really

wanted, was to be happy and contented with HER and no one else. But life happens in between, and

sometimes life just plain sucks ass.

This being one of those moments.

I needed a friend, I needed someone to talk too.

But Trace had taken one of his mystery trips days before and he hadn’t come back since.

The only other person I knew wouldn’t judge or piss me off, was my mom.

I was such a wimp.

She picked up the phone, “Hi honey, how are you?”

“Im…not so good mom.”

“that Melina girl making trouble again?”

“No…well yeah, in a way I guess…but its me an Anita.”

“Oh?”

“we broke up.”

And with that she went silent, “again, oh baby you two really should just stop this little game, either be together or be apart. Im not even involved and im tired of the on and off.”

“that’s the thing ma, this time - I think its for definite. She said she cant be in my life any more, because of Melina and the fact that I wont go ahead with the test.”

This wasn’t the best subject to broach with my mother, the test was something the she and Anita actually agreed on, that it should be done, mainly because neither of them believed Melina.

“I see….”

“Mom….I…”

“well Justin, I cant really I blame her, being caught in the middle of you two like that… I mean isn’t she meant to be your girlfriend?”

“Mom seriously, I need a little…”

“Support? What about Anita, all she was trying to do? Get the truth out before you get in any deeper with that woman”

Oh, her tone could have cut glass it was so ice sharp.

“I told you both…”

“yes darling I know what you told me, but it seems to me that, that woman has sucked you into her lie, and I thought I taught you better than that.”

“Mom you taught me to face my responsibilities and isn’t that what im doing?”

“ah, but you don’t know if this is your responsibility yet do you? Im not going to sympathise with you baby, you brought this all on your self. Im sorry….but I just cant help you.”

*******************

As the taxi dropped my off at the airport it took me ages to get a flight to Heathrow, but after an hour or so I managed to get a cancellation. Which was rare for the time day.

As I checked my bags and received my tickets, the tears that id been streaming since id got into the building has finally dried up.

It was when I saw Trace at arrivals that I felt the need to start again.

“Trace?? What are doing here? Justin said you were in Memphis.”
he looked shocked, surprised and blushing? What was up with that?
“hey…uh no I was just….I was just travelling”

The arrivals was coming from Heathrow?

“why were you in England?”

“England?” his eyes widened.

“yes, that is where your plane is coming from?”

“OH! Right yeah, well you know I was just taking a trip to uhh see some friends, you know how it is…”
“yeah…” I motioned a yes nod and it seemed like he just realised who he was talking too.

“Um what are you doing here? J said you were staying a while, now that you two are back on…”

“well actually we’re off. This time for good I think?”
“What?”
“yeah, we uhh…well I more to the point…trace” I stopped the cry that was trying to escape my throat. “I basically told him that I couldn’t be with him if he was going to keep taking her side over mine…I just cant do it.”

He nodded “he needs you, you know? Im not just saying that girl…he’s my friend and ill stand up for him till the end you know…but some times he just doesn’t make the best choices…she is one of them choices….”

“No, what if I was? Ever think of that? What if I was the mistake, this whole thing…” I was freaking the hell out.

He sensed it, “hey listen, i’ve got some time, when is your flight?”

“an hour or so…” I checked my watch.

“come on, lets get a coffee okay?” he took me by the arm and led to the café that sat in the middle of the airport.

“So, start from the start? Last time I checked in with j, you two were post coital “ he smiled “what happened between then and now?”

“Melina”

“aw.”

“I know I should be used the idea and yes I knew she was pregnant when I opted to give us another shot…but trace I didn’t think it would be so hard.”

“I know its hard, girl…please that bitch is the devil in prada okay? Im with you on this, you’re a sweetie.”

I had to smile. When we started out Trace and I didn’t mesh, but after while we just got used to each other.

“I always held onto the idea that maybe she was lying and maybe she’d eventually go away….”

“and now?” he questioned
“and now…I see that’s he’s attached to her, that he’s attached to the idea of being a father….and it kills me, it kills me that its with her, that its not…”

“you?”

I shook my head, “its not like I want to get married and start popping them out tomorrow, you know? But its just that now…now the option…”

“you feel like its been taken away, that your what? Place? Has been taken away?”

“Trace, you’re a lot smarter than you look.”

“Thanks.” he looked hurt.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that…I just…”
“I know what you mean…its okay. But listen, I think that with you two things, never just stop.”
“Trace I cant…”

“I know, I know it’s a big deal - being with him being under all the pressure that being with him entails. And now this…shit is just…shit. But I know, that you were the first girl - woman - he let in…let himself trust, like…love…In a really long time, don’t just give up on that”

I sat and sipped my coffee, and yeah I did just that. I thought about it. Over and over annnnd over again.

***************

“who were you in England with?”

“what?”

“England, your suitcase tags says United kingdom. Who were you with?”

“I…um, I was just visiting…and any ways this isn’t about me, its about you, what the fuck happened? I met her at the airport man and she didn’t look good!”

“she always looks good trace, she just was…emotional.”
“cause you broke…”

“No, she broke up with me, didn’t she tell you, she said she couldn’t handle “it” ”

“you know she only did that cause she was scared, cause she saw you getting into the whole daddy thing, with someone, who in case you hadn’t noticed - isn’t the woman you love…”

“ trace…” I looked at him as he munched on MY deli sandwich

“I don’t want to talk to you about this okay? Im gonna go upstairs take a shower and pick Melina up in town okay?”

I began walking up the stairs and I heard him yell in the distance

“of course, she-devil calls and you go a runnin’!”

Was he right? Had I let my morals over come me? Had I become a soft touch?

Yes, I really think I had….

Not good, not good at all.

As I stood in line at the ticket desk I was beginning to feel the effects of an early morning teamed with shit loads of tears. I was worn out already, and god only knows what I looked like. Appling make up in the harsh lighting that was airport bathroom wasn’t recommend, not at all. Id been in line twenty minutes because some bimbo was arguing over her first class ticket…yawn.

I decided to treat myself too, since the ticket I was opted last minute was in fact first class - I agreed and whipped out my lover and my enemy - MasterCard. How I love him all month and when its statement time, I feel the need to chop him up!

I dropped my purse and the man behind me offered me my ID card that had fallen out. I thanked him with out even a glance. “thank you…”

“Anita?” I heard as I turned around to look forward. And all I could think was “Oh no, im not in the mood to hit on today…by some ass that glanced at my name on my card.”
“yes?” but as I faced him, I realised it wasn’t some ass, it was an ass I recognised.

“WILL? Oh - my- god! Is that you?”
“I thought that was you, my god you haven’t changed a bit AJ!”

I should explain here shouldn’t I ? Will, William Henry to be exact, the boy I fell for hook line and sinker in university, we were even stupidly engaged at one time.

“awe I don’t know about that now, but you!!” I looked him over “I mean you’ve lost…so much weight! Look at you…”

He was once a slightly chubby boy man, but still good looking. Now, he was taller and much leaner, still had the dark eyes and the lashes that made me swoon.

What can I say, I have a think for nice eyes.

“I went on a diet a few years ago, never looked back…”

“which means what? You been hungry for a half a decade?”

He laughed, still had a nice laugh too, “and your still the wit. Aren’t you”

“I try…what are you doing here? I thought you got that big design job in Germany after graduation didn’t you”

“I did, and I loved it, kept it up for a few years, but I applied for a transfer, I was in LA for a few weeks on a design deal for a museum?”

“In LA?”

“I know, they might just be getting some culture over here…”

I was next in line.

“miss?”

“OH im sorry…” I handed her over my ticket, she did her thing and I was on my way to boarding.

“Listen, im on my way back to London, maybe we could meet or something?” will said as he took his place in front of the desk and handed over his ticket.

“oh…well…I just I mean, I…”
“its just coffee, its not like im purposing…again.” he smiled and I instantly felt foolish.

“okay…”

“okay, good.”

As I got on the plane I realised he was sitting in a different section to me, I smiled as I passed him, as he did to me.

It was nice seeing him again. It was also weird, he had at one point been the love of my life the man at age 19 I was sure id spend my life with, childish I know, but it was love.

My parents where thrilled that id landed a nice, well to do London boy, he was posh and in the blue blood kind of way. His great ,great, great, grandfather was an earl, or a duke or something to the British royal family. It was weird I never really listened to that part, but he was so vague about it.

When I took my seat I switched on my laptop and tried to do some work for once.

But each time I tried to settle into my write up’s I thought of Justin, and id try and stop the tears as they filled up in my eyes.

No, I wasn’t crying over him any more, if he wanted to be a moron, let him. They were both well matched.

***************

For three days after she left, I hardly spoke more than two words to anyone that crossed my path. Trace hated me, since I never talked to him and Melina was avoiding me, since I had a habit of taking all my anger out on her.

I was blaming her, when really it was my own stupidity that got me where I was, all I had to do was listen, not only to AJ but to my own mother, I knew they were both only looking out for me. And what did I do? I alienated them both by being pigheaded.

Why do I always overanalyse things after the fact? After the girl I love has hopped a plane with me NOT stopping her, with my mother not talking to me, with all this shit hitting the fan.

Anita was right, I was an idiot. No doubt about it.

“why you not talking?” Melina asked as she handed me a lemonade as I sat by the pool with her. She was spilling out of her tiny top. Both boobs and bump. It was kind of gross, she made Britney look classy.

“I just don’t have anything to say I guess.”

“you’ve been quite this last few days, its not really healthy you know.”

“Melina, please…”

“what?” she asked her accent getting clearer “Im not worried, since that bitch walked out on you, AGAIN…”

“DON’T…”

“don’t?”
“Just don’t fucking talk about her like that okay?” I closed my eyes again and tried to ignore her.

“why don’t we talk about names then.”

“Names?”

“for the baby, im thinking Leroy for a boy?”

“Leroy? Are you birthing a character from fame?”

“FINE, what would you like?”

“I dunno, I haven’t really thought about it to be honest.”

“well…think, im like a weeks from my due date here J…”

Trust me, I was only too aware of that love…

“ill get back to you…” and with that I had to jump into the pool. If only to drown her annoying voice out for a few seconds.

“Look I have a interview in a while and some thing to take care of later on, will you be ok here on your own?”

“on my own?”
“yes, ill only be a few hours”

She pouted, “your always leaving me on my own Justin…”

“Melina…come on, you know this thing isn’t long term okay? And im STILL not your boyfriend, if you want bring those friends of yours over…”

“why cant I just go with you…”

Okay, she really was THAT slow

“because i’ve work and us being seen, socially together…its not the best thing right now.”

“because of AJ?”

I sighed and got out of my chair “No, because I don’t want it okay? So just stay here and ill be back as soon as I can okay?”

She pouted again and just shrugged her shoulders. Showing her indifference.

She was really starting to get on my last damn nerve.

**************

“who where you on the phone with again Rachel?”
“who?”

“you tied up the line for like an hour, same as when I came back the other day…just who are you always gushing to?”

“gushing? No one why?”

“I don’t know its just not like you to be all - into the phone, if its not a man on the other end that’s all” I handed her the coffee and sat on the two seat-er opposite.

“well, maybe it is a man on the other end…”

“Oh? Who?”

“I cant tell you…” bullshit.

“and just why the hell not? Since i’ve had to listen to word for word all you other conquests? What’s so special about this one?

She shrugged “I don’t know, i’ve only been seeing him a little while but I really like him, but the thing is…he’s not exactly local.”

“Oh?”

“that’s all im saying for now, ill tell you…eventually…and when you stop crying yourself to sleep.”

“I haven’t…”

“you have, and it has to stop. You ended it AGAIN you’re the one that made the choice this time, so please, stop doing this to yourself. Get dressed get glammed up and go meet hunky eyes in the ivy.”

“NO

“YES, look I remember him, he was a right laugh - bit chubby in the day, but weren’t you saying he’d

Go fit an all? Go for it”
“Noooo”

“Look my philosophy is, in order to get over one man, get UNDER another!” she giggled.

“that’s just not me.”

“but you’ve already shagged will’s….what’s the big deal.”

The deal is that im IN LOVE with an idiot that doesn’t listen.

I didn’t want to take her advise but I did, I figured at the very least id be just catching up on an old mate, but in reality it was different - he wasn’t just a mate, he was the EX.

And swanky meetings with you now hotter ex while your in a venerable state isn’t really the best of ideas….is it?

As I pulled up in front of the uber exclusive restaurant I had jitters, it wasn’t as if I was there on a date, hell it was lunch time and we were JUST having lunch, catching up - that’s all it was.

As I walked through the doors I was thankfully ignored by the slew of paps standing waiting for the next “somebody” to walk through the doors.

I saw him waiting and as soon as he saw he stood up and greeted me with a double cheeked kiss.

“you made it.”

“I almost didn’t, bloody traffic!”

“tell me about it….I ordered you a drink, its still , a vodka martini dirty right?”

“you remembered?”

“of course…so listen what are you doing these days? You know what im working at…terribly boring of course…”

“I was journo for while, then I quit.”

“oh why?”

I decided not to beat about the bush with him.

“it was in the tabloids and I was shagging Justin Timberlake at the time….so it didn’t work out.”

I had to laugh, his mouth actually caped open in shock.

“you wha?
“I know”

“Justin Timberlake? isn’t he the guy from that band Sarah loved?”

Sarah, his niece.

“Nsync - that would be him.”

“the guy that at the American super bowl?”

GOD people get over that already. It was just a saggy breast, we’ll all have ‘em eventually.

“one in the same im afraid, id been seeing him for a while….and well…we just broke up actually. that’s why I was flying back home, I broke it off with him.” I sipped my cocktail, not really sure how I felt, being so honest an all.

“poor guy…”

“excuse me”

He smiled, “No I mean…I know what its liked to be dumped by you, that’s all…”
“Annnnd ?”

“and” his grinned lessened “its hard…I mean at least it was for me…you were the girl I was meant to marry…you know?”

I blushed, he wasn’t just thinner now, he’d gotten blunt as well.

“Oh…well I mean…I…”
“relax Anita, its okay, I mean it took me a while…a long while, to get over us, but I did it.”
“Good.” I nodded “ I wouldn’t have wanted to deprive all those German woman of you…”

“I always wondered why you did it though… called off the engagement, weeks before…” he looked at me “the wedding….”

“Will…come on, lets not do this okay? that’s ancient history you know that…”

“I know, but still, why?”

“I was nineteen, you were just twenty for gods sakes, we weren’t ready and you know that…”

“I know….”

“so then why ask…”

“you seemed like you wanted it, right up until you didn’t. I just would have liked it if you had told me that you didn’t want to move so fast, that’s all…the last thing I wanted was for to wake up one morning and find you, and all your things gone.”

I had been a selfish cow, even then…

“Jesus, im sorry I put you through all that, I was young and stupid. Now im just less young but just as stupid.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I just wasn’t ready then, you and I would have never lasted. We were completely the opposite, and you know that”

He nodded “I’d a killed you, you got on my nerves so much”

“well thanks very fucking much!” I laughed at him as he just gave me the evil grin he had.

“ lets talk about something else shall we? He broached as our salads arrived “is Rachel still as sultry as ever?????”

“Justin, Justin where are you, listen i’ve started getting pains, really bad ones, I think ill go to the hospital, I don’t think its too serious but just in case….call me on my cell mobile okay? I don’t think its serious, don’t worry”

that’s the message I got on my voicemail, recorded an three hours before. Id been taping and recording in the studio, basic sound bites for various radio stations it required my cell to be off.

It was Melina, she didn’t sound like she was in pain, so I did what she said, and I didn’t worry. In fact I went home and went to bed and besides the baby wasn’t due for like another month or so? What was the big deal.

Id managed to fall into a small comatose state when I heard my phone buzz from underneath my pillow.

“Wha” I managed.

“Justin, where the fuck are you? i’ve been looking for you for ages!!” it was Melina’s friend Stacy in a shrill Los Angeles accent.

“what are you yelling’ at me for”
“Melina’s in labour, BIG time, get your ass over to cedar’s right now!”

I woke up completely at that point “are you sure?”

“NO she’s just in there screaming and people are seeing baby heads for no reason.

“heads?”

“No you know what I mean, point is, she’s far on, she wants you here!”

I still had my cell attached to my ear as I slipped on my trainers and dashed out the door.

Not really knowing what I was feeling as I made the drive. Was I excited? Was I scared? I was gonna be dad, I didn’t know if I was ready for this…

All I kept thinking was how much more at ease I would have been had AJ been with me? Or better still, had she been the mother.

So, so, so much easier.

I pulled up at the parking entrance and locked and ran, it took me almost a half hour what with traffic and all.

I had asked Stacy what room to look for, so it made getting past reception real easy.

As I walked up the hallway I heard screaming, but it wasn’t a “in pain” screaming it was more of a sobbing.

“Melina?” I asked her as I saw her, in the arms of her red-headed friend.

“OH GOD Justin I swear…Im sorry I thought…I really…”

“WHAT is wrong?” a shiver of panic crawl up my back I thought at first it was something wrong with the baby, was it okay?”

But then I saw a crib like structure and a small cooing from it.

“Melina?”

“she’s okay….” she said still crying as I walked up to the baby, a girl…

And she wasn’t exactly what I was expecting.

For example - she was an extremely chocolate shaded baby.

“I think they gave you the wrong baby Mel…” ooh I was so naïve. “right?”

“No, Justin…I forgot… I swear! I swore she was yours, but…I forgot.”

“Forgot what?” my voice began to raise.

“I met this guy, this….footballer, he was just a way of getting…over you I guess…but yeah….he was black”
Anita was right, my mom was right…I WAS a idiot.

“so you lied, you flat out lied!!”
“NO! I really thought that with you - id…Im sorry Justin.”
“you’re sorry, you’re SORRY? You stopped my life for the last basically six months, you’ve ruined my relationship with the one woman that actually DID give shit about me, and you’re SORRY?”
she started to cry again. “I didn’t do any of those things, YOU made the choice, you made the choices all on your own you ASS!”

I looked over at the sleeping baby again, sleeping soundly unaware of all the drama that was going on around her.

“I feel sorry for your baby, because you REALLY don’t deserve to be a mother….” I touched the baby’s small hand once.

“if I were you id tell her REAL father, im sure he’d want to know….”

I went to walk out. “she’s beautiful by the way.”

“Justin??”
“yeah?”
“I really am sorry.”

“yeah, baby so am I, like you wouldn’t believe….”

As I walked out of the hospital, in shock more than anything, well… other than anger, hurt, and then back to shock…

At first a baby was the last thing in the world I thought I needed, I was young and in love and happy with AJ, I definitely didn’t need a child with a one night stand. But as the months wore on me, the idea of having a child that was part of me, that I could raise and see grow, and be a part of something that real? It really grew on me, but in the back of my mind I always wondered if she was telling me the truth, I think that’s why I kept putting off the test. A baby was something that needed me, and I liked being needed. I realise now that it’s a trait. Even in the women I choose in my life.

Britney, she was emotionally dependant on me, in many ways she was herself like a child that I felt the need to shelter? As was Cameron, she always needed me for something. Anita didn’t, she was independent, she was her own woman, together and mature.

So I guess when the Melina situation came up, I saw something that I could at the very least try and fix….

I was an idiot, for not listening to the two women that actually were looking out for me, but I shunned then in favour of a woman I didn’t no shit about.

For that I felt a deep shameful embarrassment. How was I meant to face AJ now?
Maybe that’s it, maybe I wasn’t meant to face her - I sure as hell like I couldn’t.

“What do you mean you cant get the invoices through? The fucking party was a week ago, come on!”

I yelled over the phone for the third time that day. “surprise beckham party” had gone on a week before and it had gone great. Mostly because of me and my persistence into getting it the they wanted it, and in the way they wanted it to be shot and perceived for the TV crew they had allowed in for the occasion. I of course managed to “arrange” for the fight that they had both had to be edited out of the show…thankfully otherwise id’a been sacked.

“I mean it, I did my job and I want to be paid for fuck sake? What kind of manager are you?”

When I finally got the answer I wanted I lessened my harsh tone in favour of a sweeter one “thank you, you know I love you really” never be too eager to take the moral high road or burn bridges “I’m guessing you’ll be in touch…good…bye.”

I sighed tiredly as I sat back in my chair. It had been a long day, a long week…a long 2 months…

And ever since the news broke about the Justin baby that never was I had been having trouble sleeping, eating and basically functioning.

At first, when Ken told me that Justin told him to let me be the first one to know before the press release, I wanted to call with a big fat “I TOLD YOU SO!!!” but I just couldn’t. in fact I couldn’t call at all, because I knew the sound of pain in his voice would drag me and my sorry for him heart all the way back to the states….No…fact was he still took a basic strangers side over mine, which meant he didn’t trust me…

And without trust in a relationship, you have nothing. I wasn’t about to go back to being nothing.

I deserved better.

And better seemed to be in the form of my other ex. The other ex that I once loved….but just couldn’t allow myself to love again.

My heart wasn’t listening to my head. My head told me, “move on, he’s a good solid NOT completely fucked up individual, and he loves you…give in…”

My heart on the other hand screamed “NOOOO, you love the fucked up American, you want him to be the father of your children, you want him to be the one you snuggle up too at night…go back to him!!”

Needless to say Justin wasn’t the only fucked up one in my head.

My phone rang again.

“AJ King?”
“well there…you busy sweetheart?”

It was Will.

“flat out….what’s up?”

“well I was hoping we could meet up for a quick lunch?”

“uhh” I checked my blackberry and my appointments “I cant I have a 1:30...working lunch sorry.”

“oh okay. Dinner tonight then? My place?” he sounded hopeful. And I didn’t want to let him down twice.

“okay, what time?”
“8?”

“great…”

“it’s a date!” he giggled at the rhyming.

“I wont be late…” I couldn’t help myself.

“bye AJ.

“bye will.”

It was December 13th and I hadn’t even managed to get any Christmas shopping done. Id been so busy buried in work and getting a “thing” with Will, that I hadn’t had a chance. His company was lovely, and it was constant, since he moved in across the street from me, ironically.

After three more hour long calls and a meeting with my most difficult client I was ready for home.

So I pack on my layers and prepared myself for the cold and the snow that was rapidity falling, I vowed to hit bond street and take care of Rachael and my mothers gifts first. Dad’s was easy….a tie or aftershave. Something traditional, once I bought him a DVD player, and I found it the following year still in the box… apparently “them technological gadgets confused him” so I was back to ties, shirts, and or aftershaves…

As I walked into Harrods I was overwhelmed by the décor, as I was every Christmas in that store. I loved it there.

Id spend a day just walking and looking…I really loved it. For my birthday I remember Justin had it shut down just for the two of us, so I could “have peace to pick my present.”

Like getting MR Mohammad as I called him, to personally shut down his store for us too idiots wasn’t cool enough.

See, there I go again. Id been thinking a lot about him, with Christmas coming up an all. I just wondered how he was…what he was doing…if he was thinking about me?

But of course he wasn’t, id abandoned him.

Justin had serious abandonment issues, whether he admitted it or not. His parents divorce affected him, as did all the other women that trod on his heart foolishly - sadly id become one of them.

But hindsight an all, he didn’t trust me and that was that. The Beatles were wrong, love isn’t all you need…

***************************

“Two more questions and then we have to wrap this up” Ken spoke through the mike on the table, the table that held myself, Sienna and the principle cast of my “British” movie.

The press conference had been called because the première had been arranged and they wanted to milk it as much as possible before the actual release.

“Justin!” one had went up and ken nodded “Paige Tay, sun newspaper” the pretty blonde introduced herself “go ahead..” I spoke up.

“have you any plans to stick around, in the city…we heard you got quite comfortable here whilst filming…”
“well you know, I love the city, the atmosphere is so different, and its refreshing, id like to yes. The people are amazing…with a few exceptions…” I rolled my eyes, since the news of Melina was widespread I felt the need to joke. And thankfully they all laughed.

But Miss Paige continued “what about former gossip editor AJ king? Are the rumours of a reconciliation true? And with that thankfully Ken did his job and cut her off.

I hated the way people just thought like, because there is a mike and an audience that they could get away with just saying any old shit to me.

I got up and walked away as did the rest of the crew. Pure shit, that a film we ALL worked hard on, gets boiled down to my personal life, yet again.

“Justin? You wanna grab some lunch?” the newly bobbed Sienna asked as we both wrapped up in our winter coats.

“Naw im gonna met a friend and head shopping for a little bit, see if I can get something done before the next inquisition starts.” I laughed “see you at 7” we were due to do a TV thing round that time, as far as I remembered.

I hated the cold, but then again I loved winter, and at least the UK had seasons, unlike LA were it was HOT, not so hot, less hot all year around. It kinda sucked. At least here I got to get into the Christmas spirit as much as I could.

Trace had come with me, but since we arrived two days prior, he’s been MIA for most of it. Claiming always to be “visiting friends” but im not being rude here but the dude didn’t have friends…

The only other logical explanation was a woman, but he was never one to keep quite on that front, in fact he LOVED to brag.

God, I hope its not a GUY?

I avoided gazes thankfully since I was covered to my lips in coat and scarf, and a big ass woolly hat to top it off. I was cosy and safe.

“Man, its about fucking time, i’ve been pacing perfumes for ten minutes waiting for you…” I tell my “friend” as he pops up outta nowhere suddenly.

“I Know, im sorry…traffic.”

“Ahuh…”

“Justin I just don’t see why you couldn’t have gotten this place shut like you usually do.”

No, last time I did that…well I wanna remember it…

“No, look I only need something for my dad…what do you think?”

“I’oknow? He’s a banker? Not exactly an exciting prospect…im thinking ties? He always needs those. And besides didn’t you reserve him a boat?”

I laughed as we moved about the superstore “yeah but I need something that’ll fit under the tree….a boat really wont do that, I don’t even wanna try!”

“Id go with tie.”

“cool, ill go do that and you go get something for the girl that’s been giving you some!” I winked.

“who? What?”

“Trace, you aint smooth man, your all - happy an shit…glowy and doe eyed, and I know you aint high….just wondering when you’ll get around to telling me her name is all…” I walked away, in search of the men’s department. And some ties.

*******************

“this one?” the assistant Heather held up another one, this one gold.

“No, he’s not really showy? Something simple….” as we racked through the selection of ties, I just couldn’t decide.

Id already picked out a Prada shirt that he could still wear “down the pub” if he wanted too, what can I say, myself and my mum were the show off’s he just liked to blend.

“Look ill go look for some trousers first and ill get back to you….okay?”

She smiled “my dad’s important to me too, and god only knows the looks I get on Christmas morning…no problem, just let me know if you need me.”
heather, nice girl. I knew her since this was my home from home practically, and she had helped on numerous occasions with the “office party dress disaster”

Long or short? Linen or lined? Shit, who knew men had so much choice?
After ten minutes of looking I settled on black, his favourite - corduroy. But a more snazzy version.

Id make him hip if it killed me.

I was starting to get hot underneath the lights and my comfy hat was making me sweat. As I approached the ties again I took it off, and being me, and me being a twat, I managed to bang into someone whilst I fixed my hair.

“Ooh im sor-”

“No…Im the one that wasn’t look-”

We both looked at each other, shocked into silence.

“hi” he stated - still shocked with the wide eyes.

“hello…” I almost choked. “what…I mean…hi…”

“Hi…” he stated again, before blinking. “ you cut your hair…” he was right, it was shorter now, above my shoulder, and blonder.

“I did…you…shaved it again…” I pointed out.

“yeah” he ran his hand through the buzz cut and sighed “im really surprised to….well, to see you…I mean not that I thought I wouldn’t, I mean you live here, but just HERE now, with…a blue tie?” he babbled his eyes still as striking as they ever were.

He was tan too, which meant fresh from holiday.

He looked seriously shag-gable.

“how are you” I asked.

“im…okay I guess…busy…”

“me too…”

“good, I mean that your…you know?”
“Ahuh….” again with the staring. Till I think he couldn’t take it any longer.

I ruffled my hair, as he stepped closer to me and gently inserted “you never called…” he said in a low voice, tainted with so much sadness I cant even tell you.

“I know…”

“I thought you might have, you know when…well when things….” he sighed “well, you were right about her all along, are you gonna say ‘I told you so?”

“No…i’ve wanted too, but no…”
“why didn’t you…”

“call?”
he nodded

“well…why didn’t you?”

He shuffled his feet “I don’t know, when we landed here, its all I wanted to do….but I got scared”

“of what?…me?”

“No…of….” he shuffled again, typical man, avoidance!!!!

“Of????” I pushed, I knew what it was, I just wanted to hear him say it.

“you maybe not wanting me to call you…”

ARE YOU THICK?

“Oh….”

He looked at the tie. “Is that for your….well your…”
“No…my dad…”

“Oh…me too!” he held up one almost identical to the one I chose.

“look could we maybe have dinner, tonight?…catch up?” his tone became slightly more hopeful than before.

DAMN

“uh…”

“I know its short notice….”

“No, its not that, its…as much as this isn’t for a someone….” I motioned to the tie, “I have been seeing someone…casually…but there is a someone.”

His eyes changed, flinched almost “ooh, I see…god of course there is….Im an idiot…I just…well…never mind then…” he mumbled in a small voice - as if he was talking to himself.

“its not….well I mean its…”
“No…Please…” he braced my two arms “don’t go into details…it might just kill me.”

“J…”

“No…really…Look I gotta go, but it was nice seeing you again…really.” he rubbed my arms through his gloves. He looked so cute all wrapped up.

“maybe we could catch up over lunch?” I offered

“you sure HE wont mind?”
“Since when do I consult?”
he smiled, “id love to, but I think it be best if we didn’t…considering”

Considering? Considering what?

“oh…well okay…”

“it was really nice to see you again Anita.” and with that he leaned into kiss me on the cheek and I swear, it wasn’t the heat that was making me sweat.

And with that he was the one that walked away.

Leaving me confused.

And horny as hell…how is that possible, from a kiss on the CHEEK?

:)

As I walked away from her my heart just tugged me, wanting so bad not to be walking from her, but to her. She looked great too, which made it worse. Here I was thinking since she left that she’d gotten fat and ugly in a month drowning her sorrows from leaving me - aka the biggest mistake of her life. But no, she looked wonderful, rosy red cheeks from the cold and her hair now an appealing shade of baby blonde.

I missed her something rotten, a feeling id gotten to know pretty well since I first met her. Longing.

From the very minute I met her I knew not only was so special, but that in some way, some how she would have an affect on me. I just didn’t think it would be another heart break.

I just figured it might have been different with her.

Guess not now that she had a new boyfriend…talk about moving on at rapid speed? I think that stung more than anything, even more than the fact that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me….

“you ready?” I ask trace as he pondered up to me.

“you okay? You look…pale dude, did you eat today?”

I rolled my eyes. “yes dad I did, can we please just go?”

“what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’ I just wanna go back to the hotel and get some rest is all…you get everything you needed?” I eyed his suspicious “lady” like department bags.

“sure dude whatever….still think something’s up with you though, you’ve been weird since we landed.”
“and you would know this how? You never around…off with these mystery “friends” of yours…”

“shut up…”
“just tell me what’s the big deal??? What’s with all the cloak and dagger? If its some lay….I don’t get it…your usually so open, too fuckin open if im honest!”

“fine, there is someone, and she…look ill tell you eventually but not right now?”

“why?”
“cause, I think you should sort out your own romantic entanglements before getting all up in mine man…”

Again I just rolled my eyes and walked out of the store. Sometimes he was just too damn confusing for me to even care.

“whatever…”

********************

Appling my lippy in the mirror Rachel appeared behind me “you saw him”

“yup…”

“and?”

“and nothing we chatted - awkwardly might I add, I told him I was seeing someone and he left, end of.”
“No, that’s not the end of, not with you two, what was he like? Was he warm, forthcoming? Or cold and distant…”

“he was…sweet I guess but it was so fuckin awkward…it was hard to tell.”

“did he look good?”

I thought back. “god yes…too good, made me wanna jump him into a changing room or something, BAD idea.”

“he still give you tingles when you saw him?”

“Yes…it was really nice….”
“but… okay let me get this straight, you turned down dinner with a man that you love, are still clearly sexually attracted to, to have dinner with a man you don’t love, you don’t want….sure…this makes perfect sense.”

“its not meant to make sense…we didn’t work out, that’s it. My stupid feelings like that don’t matter now. We lost the trust, it just got too hard Rach!!!”
she grabbed her purse, she was her way to see her fancy man…

“AJ, that’s love…its isn’t meant to be easy…the fight is half the attraction.”

“and what’s the other half?”

“the tingles, makes it ALL worth it…”

And with t hat she was out the door. Again, for the third time in a week she’d spent the night out.

And she still wouldn’t let on who he was. And usually she was so forthcoming.

It meant one thing with her….she was the one falling in love now.

I was happy for her, it had been a long time since she’d let herself get close with someone that wasn’t paying her bills as well as his wife’s.

“AJ hi…”

“hello!” I walked into Wills new flat. the smell of fresh paint still hung in the air.

“dinners almost ready. You want some wine?”

“why not…” I smiled as he kissed me on the cheek.

Funny, the same place Justin kissed me, but I just didn’t get the tingles this time….

“How was work?”

“Its…work…boring as hell this last few days trying to sort things out! Seriously, getting paid for a job I did, well!!, how could that be so hard, you know?”

He nodded.

“well, stress aside, you look stunning.”

“thanks” I blushed. As he served the plates, I had to admit everything looked great. So I kept telling myself, he’s a great man, strapping, good looking, sensitive, AND he cooks something more than a pop tart.

But I wanted the pop tart. Literary.

*********

I woke up, and it was around 8:20. I knew sienna and I weren’t on the show till 10. So I had plenty of time, time I just didn’t wanna spent in a TV studio.

So as I was dazed and still half asleep, I realised I left my I POD in Trace’s room.

So I used my key card and slipped in to find it.

Of course with Trace, nothing is where you leave it, so I had to ruffle through his shit before I found it.

I noticed his bedroom door was open, and I figured he was napping - bit like I wanted to get back to.

Then I heard the bathroom door. “Trace, where is your soap?” came an accent, an accent I knew.

And following the accent, was a girl…in a towel.

“Trace…”
“Justin…”

“Rachel?” I added still confused.

Well, I never said I was fast at thinking now did I,

“WAIT she’s the girl!!! SHE’S the one that you’ve been seeing!!”

“well, yeah…so?”

“SO? Why didn’t you tell me? I mean….when, how? WHEN?”

She smiled “well, we spent so much time on the phone trying to sort you an Anita out, that we were fed up talking about you two…”
“So we started talking about each other…” Trace added “and I guess it just grew from there.” he smiled too. And it was sweet, in a creepy “they lied about it” kinda way.

“Oh…nice…but why didn’t you say anything…”

“because…” Rach spoke up gripping her white towel “you and AJ were still all kinds a fucked up, so we wanted it quiet till you two sorted things out…which by the way, why haven’t you done that already?”

Her tone was accusatory now.

“she’s seeing someone! What am I supposed to do for fuck sake…she seemed happy….I don’t wanna fuck with that”

“Coward.” she rolled her eyes “All i’ve listened to since she met you, is how fucking great you are, and how much being with you…just WITH you…makes her happy. Sure you’ve had a fucking rough time with all this shit that seems to be getting in the way, but now? There isn’t anything in the way but yourselves!”

“she’s got a boyfriend!!” I stated again, DUH.

“Noooo, he’s an ex. And he’s just her temporary “get over you” guy…she doesn’t love him…not like she loves you…she still wants you..”
“she does?”

She nodded “told me so this evening…”

“really? I mean even after…”
“you sort of, but didn’t knock up a whore? Yes even after that…”

I was silent.

“Justin, she thinks you didn’t trust her, that’s why you took that hookers side over hers, she thinks that given how you two started out, that the doubt is still there…”
“GOD, that couldn’t be further from the truth!! I totally trust her!!! I just was confused with Melina, I didn’t know what to do for the best, I was so fucked up.”

“I know that…she doesn’t.”

Good point. Girl was smart….what the hell was she doing with Trace.

“I do love her, I do…and I trust her with my life…”

“Justin, tell HER this not me…Im not the one you need to convince, she is…and you better hurry it up…her man is cooking for her tonight…and we ALL know what a cooking man does to her…”

This I knew, she gets all dreamy about ideas of marriage and barbecues and not having to spend her life in a kitchen for a man who doesn’t know a skillet from a saucepan.

For some reason, it turns her on.

“they haven’t slept together?”

She shook her head no. “she says she’s waiting…but I think the only thing she was waiting for was for him to get bored with her stalling.”

“okay…okay ill go, ill tell her how I feel, and that’s all I can do cant I?”
they both nodded at me and I made my way quickly at the door. I popped my head back in again before it closed. As she named the number of the door I was to knock on,

I really liked her, I think she‘d be good for Trace “ooh by the way congrats, she’s great by the way!” I nodded to Trace, he just laughed looking down at her.

“bye”

“do you want dessert?” he asked me as he lifted my plate “I made chocolate soufflé, you still like that right?”

“you remembered?” now that did take me by surprise. Its been years since he and I shared a meal, let alone dessert, “Id love some thanks..” and he smiled and headed for the kitchen.

I took in surroundings, simple paintings hung on the walls, all representing masculine energy it seemed.

Clean colours, all very neat. Just like him in that aspect.
“It’ll just take a minute, I want ‘em to be just right…”

“Need any help?” I shouted in his direction.

“No, just relax…ill be a sec.”

Just then there was a knock at the door. “Ill get it for you shall I?” I shouted again.

“Thanks!”

I walked to the big thick door with the funny “artistic” handles, not something that would be easily opened when drunk, I imagined.

“Hello???”
OH. HOLY. JESUS.

He just stood there looking at me “this is the right address then, I thought Rachel was messing with me…”

Rachel…but she wasn’t home….

I switched my voice to a whisper “what are you doing here…” I shielded the door with my body just as Will called out “WHO IS IT?”

“tell them its carol singers or something…”

“No…”
he just raised his eyebrow “fine tell him its your ex.”

“ITS CAROL SINGERS AND GIRL SCOUTS…SELLING TICKETS….”
“TELL THEM TO BUGGER OFF”

“No…ITS NICE….ILL DEAL WITH IT!” I stepped outside and closed the door till.

“what are you doing here.”
“I came to see you…to…reconsider that lunch offer.”
“What?” we were still whispering. Standing on an empty street with the snow starting to fall heavier as we stood.

“Look I miss you, I still love you…I never didn’t love you…and I never DIDN’T trust you…”
“Justin…” I looked back at the door “this is a REALLY bad time and I think you should go.”
“No”
“No? Jesus…I cant do this now…”
“Look everything with us has been at a bad time, we are the poster children for fucking bad timing, but here it is….what I need to know is that if my feeling are reciprocated….”

Looking at him standing there, in his overcoat and scarf, cute hat and gloves I wanted to say yes…

“Justin…I…”
“AJ?”

Oh god, now here was Will…

“Will…” he looked at us both standing outside his door in the freakin snow…

“what’s…going on?”

Justin stepped up, “Hi…Justin Timberlake…and you are?”

“William Henry…I know who you are mate…what I don’t know is why you’re here?”

He looked at me then “carol singers huh?”

“Will…look this isn’t anything, I just need to talk to him for a second…get things cleared up.

“things?”

“Yes…things…Im gonna get my coat” I motioned to both of them “we” I motioned to Justin “ are going to talk a walk…and ill be right back.” I pulled will into the hallway of the house, leaving Justin standing in the footpath.

“will…im sorry about this, I didn’t know he’d show up here…I don’t even know how he knows where HERE is…Look it wont take long”

“what wont take long?”

“well…ill…ill get rid of him…”

He folded his arms. “is that really what you want to do?”

“what?”

“look I knew getting involved with you, I knew you were on the rebound, but I just wanted to give us a second shot at things, now that we’re that bit older - and meant to be wiser…”

“wanted?”

“but you…he’s the elephant in the room…i’ve seen it…and i’ve felt it…you were a lot of things AJ physically unaffectionate wasn’t one of them…”
“Will…”
“No…Look sort this out…and come back to me…and if you don’t…well…you don’t….”

“Will I…”
he “shh’d” me. “go…”

So I went.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

After a lot of shuffling from behind his door, she emerged fully wrapped up, and with an uncertain look on her face.

She didn’t look at me, she just walked past me as she closed the door. Marching on ahead of me through the snow.

I knew the neighbourhood, she lived like a block in the other direction.

“is he your new boyfriend?” I jogged to catch up with her.

She didn’t answer.

“have you had sex with him…”

She stopped abruptly and looked at me “Is that your business?”

“no…guess not.”

Then she started walking fast again.

“will you slow down?”

“No…”

“where are we going?”
“WELL I AM GOING MAD…wanna come?” she looked at me again and then her ramble started “ I mean…what gives you the right to just show up here…looking all sexy and whatnot and disrupt my life again!!”

“im soooo sorry, forgive me for giving a shit!”

“I gave a shit, but it was threw back at me…remember? I didn’t have to “worry” about it!! You IDIOT!! You broke my heart when you took her side over mine…you do know that don’t

You!!”
“Look im sorry…Im REALLY sorry!” she turned a corner that led to some sort of park with swings and a slide…

“Aj…Anita! Would you stop moving for like a second and let me talk to you…”

“YOU DIDN’T TRUST ME, THAT’S ALL IT CAME DOWN TO IN THE END! TRUST, AND YOU JUST DIDN’T!!”

“I did…I did…I DO trust you, I was just scared and I didn’t know what to do for the best, I didn’t want to harm an innocent child…is that so wrong?”

She took a seat on one swing and I on another.

She took one deep breath and finally looked at me. “No its not so wrong…but what’s the real kicker is that you didn’t seem to care that it was harming me. Justin I waited for months, I put my life on hold…just waiting for you to come and tell me, she’s gone…we can go back to being US again. And when you didn’t do that, I was sure I was losing you to her.”

“that’s why you came, tryin’ to fix everything in a day?” I should have saw that, she was a fixer.

“fat good it did me…” she kicked her feet off the snow covered ground and started to swing, the snow fell on her, illuminated by a gold coloured street lap. She looked like an angel lit in the darkness.

“look Anita I get that I hurt you, but I cant spend my life apologising, its just not fair…I made a mistake, owned up to it…and I want to move on, with you, if that’s possible.”

She looked at me then and half smiled “are all Americans charming and cutting at the same time?” she rocked a little forward “I don’t expect you to spend your life apologising to me, I don’t…we all make mistakes, your right, me…of ALL people should know that right?”

“are you in love with that guy?” I tried again.

She shook her head “No, I was once…but…almost a year ago, my little heart attached itself elsewhere…it hasn’t moved from that guy since then.

“and who would that be now?”

She smiled “it doesn’t change anything Justin, you’ve always known my feelings for you…but the fact is, we cant work…not in the long run…not realistically…”

“why not?”

“you mean besides the fact that you live on a different continent? Your work your family, friends…all there…mine…all here…what are we meant to do? Keep a relationship going via email? It’ll never last!”

“we could make it last! This isn’t you…you like a fight, challenges, this is a big one! You should be raring to go!” I almost pleaded, I didn’t want her give up. Cause if she did, that really was IT.

“maybe I don’t want to fight for what I want any more…what if I want it to be easy? Settled, normal?”

“Like boring Will…”

“he’s not boring…”
“then why haven’t you slept with him!” god I hope Rach wasn’t pulling my leg on that one.

But she blushed “what…how…Jesus!!” she stood up “I HATE YOU!!”

“No you don’t, you love me remember?”

She just rolled her pretty eyes at me. “Justin, I cant do this any more…”

I grabbed her arm before she walked past me. “look your right, it wouldn’t work…im busy, I live far away, and a normal relationship has enough stress on it without magnifying it a million percent the way what I do for a living does that…but what if I compromised.”

“what?”

“Moved here? Took time out? Took the time to BE with you, to make the life I want with you happen, instead of just thinking about it…what then?”
she was stunned, I could tell from her eyes, huh maybe this wasn’t it after all..

&&&&&&&&&&&&
I honestly didn’t think “compromise” existed in Justin’s world. He was so the guy that got what he wanted when he wanted, no questions asked.

But he was willing to up shift his pretty perfect looking life, for me? No one had ever offered to do that before.

“you’d do that?”

He took my by my two arms and braced me. Even through my layers I got tingles…or was that frostbite? I couldn’t tell.

“If it meant id be with you, id do it in a second. I love you…” he dipped his head to my ear “I am so IN love with your lil English self, that I cant imagine loving anyone else…”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stayed silent.

“so the ball is in your court now, only one thing needs answered. If you say no, then ill leave right now and you never have to see me again…but if its yes” he smirked “and I really hope its yes….ill buy a place tomorrow if I have to.”

“what needs to be answered?” I inched closer to him as the snow fell lighter now, between us both our breath visible in the cold.

“do you want me?”

I looked him in his sweet but naughty baby blues that seemed ice coloured in comparison with the snow, “I’ll always want you…you should know that by now….I am so in love with you, I cant hardly think straight most of the time…which would explain why we’re dying of cold with icicles hanging from our noses right now…” I motioned around me, trying to lighten the situation. I was never good with being vocal with my emotions, or desires…

But he cupped my chin with his thickly gloved hand. And he bend to kiss me.

And kiss me he did.

And the tingles came back in droves and he softly placed his lips on mine, and even in the cold winter made me warm up instantly.

“thank god…” he said breaking only for an instant “Id a died if you said no…” he smiled “Rachel had be convinced -”

“Rachel?” I pulled away…

He started laughed, “she’s kept it from you to huh? Yeah…her mystery man? Is Trace’s mystery woman!”

“what?”

“trace, they’ve been shacking up…funny huh?”

“Trace? No…but she’s in love?! I can tell! Its Trace??”

“baby, don’t you know by now, you proper ones always love a little bit of country, you cant beat the company…” and with that he kissed me again this time gripping me from behind..

He’s right, a little bit of country made this kingdom a whole lot more interesting, and an whole lot less lonely.

The End.