Rachel Bass stood in the living room of her apartment in LA. In the corner of the room stood the Christmas tree she had spent weeks searching for. It had to be perfect. Her brother had called her crazy as he and his husband Michael helped her haul it into her apartment. He, of all people, should understand. His obsession with Halloween was like none other. It was so bad that Michael put a stipulation this year. Lance was only allowed to buy one new decoration a week.

 

Rachel differed from her brother. She didn't buy up a lot of decorations. She already had what she wanted. She loved decorating her house. Each item she pulled out of totes had a place. There was a wreath on her door. Christmas rugs on kitchen floor. A Nativity scene on top of her hutch. Hand towels hanging from the towel rack in the bathroom. What tied everything together was the tree. It was beautiful. More than five strands of lights wrapped around its branches. She loved a bright tree and always put a lot of lights on each year. Ornaments hung from nearly every branch; all perfectly placed. An angel sat atop the tree. Tinsel finished off the product. It was probably the best tree she ever had paired with the best decoration job she'd ever done.

 

The lights were off though. It looked like post Christmas depression had set it. When the presents had all been opened. When all that was left under the tree were scraps of paper and a forgotten lid to a clothing box. When the branches drooped as if the tree knew it had done its job and the big day had passed. The tree would limp its way to the Epiphany when it would finally be put out of its misery. It was only December 22nd. Christmas was still three days away. Yet the lights were off. The cheer was sucked out of the room. She couldn't find it in herself to lean down and plug the cord into the outlet. She couldn't find it in herself to light the candles she had placed in the house. This year the scent was spiced gingerbread. It reminded her of childhood Christmases when her mother would bake cookies. The house would smell all day long.

 

The excitement of the holiday had begun right after Thanksgiving. While everyone was out trying to find the best deals, she was pulling out her Christmas decorations and planning what cookies she wanted to bake. She always had the staple Christmas desserts: Yule log, gingerbread man cookies, fudge, Christmas bark, and of course cutout cookies for frosting. Every year she'd always bake a lot of cookies on top of that. She'd hand them out to her friends and neighbors. Take some to the fire department and police station. Everyone always got baked goods from her. This year she had baked even more so she could take them with her. The containers still set on her table. Each with a name tag depicting whose were who. There was one for Karen and Roy. One for Tyler and Sarah. Another for Heather and Drew. Each held their favorites. The knowledge acquired from knowing the Chasez family since she was 12 when Lance had been selected to join NSYNC. Twenty-three years ago. She was supposed to spend the holidays in Florida with JC and his family.

 

Supposed to.

 

That wasn't happening. JC and Jennifer, his girlfriend, flew out this morning. An empty seat beside them. Or filled with a stranger once the airline realized she wasn't boarding. She had been uninvited. Rachel had known bad news was coming when JC had shown up on her doorstep. Being best friends for ten years, she could read JC like a book. Nothing prepared her for his words.

 

‘It would be better if you didn't come.'

 

What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to do? Apparently there had been talk both in JC's family and in Jennifer's as to why she was tagging along. JC tried to sugarcoat the words. She was sure he left out most of the story. She wasn't sure if she was grateful for that or not. She wasn't sure if she was angry either. JC could have stuck up for her. She was coming along because she was his best friend. She was part of the Chasez family. Most of all, she didn't have anywhere else to go.

 

Stacy, her older sister, and her family were traveling to Colorado for the winter break. Ford's family had decided to spend the holiday skiing and having a white Christmas. The lodge had been booked the previous Christmas. It was always known Stacy wasn't going to be part of the next year's Christmas plans. There was still her parents and Lance.

 

Then her parents had told her they were going on a cruise with friends in town. They were taking over the tickets of another couple who had been unable to go do to health reasons. Her mother told her they wouldn't have considered it, but Lance told them he was going to Miami to spend the holidays with Michael's family. JC had offered her his family for the holidays. She had jumped at the chance and everyone had been happy.

 

Until they weren't.

 

Rachel had told JC not to worry about it. She lied the next day and told him she was going to Colorado. Stacy had offered the couch in her room. She hadn't. JC didn't need to know about the little fib. Lance had wished her safe travels and to have fun in Orlando with JC's family. She didn't have the heart to tell him. Then he would have felt obligated to cancel his plans. He and Michael were excited to be going to Miami. So she let him believe she was going to Orlando.

 

There had been no way she could tell her parents. They had been even more excited than Lance and Michael about the cruise and had planned their days at ports out as soon as they'd committed to the tickets. She hadn't the heart to tell them she was alone either. Her parents would have canceled their plans in a heartbeat to welcome her into their arms and home. She couldn't do that to them. They deserved the week away. After years of kids and then grandkids, they deserved the stress free holiday.

 

The friends she was comfortable enough to crash the holiday weren't in town. Or they were like Joey and Melissa Fatone. The whole family had descended upon them. His and hers. Rachel thought Melissa was nuts but right now she was jealous. Jealous of the fact that her friend had a huge family around her. Jealous of the fact that even if the extended family hadn't flown to California, her friend wouldn't have been alone. She would have had Joey and their three kids. She would never spend a holiday alone.

 

Not like her.

 

Stacy, six years older, already had her family. Leighton was already 12. Her nephews right behind her at 8 and 9. Lance, who was four years older, and Michael were in the process of starting their family. When they finally found the perfect egg donor, it was gonna be twins. Her cousins had been settled down with families for years.

 

Even JC had a family. He had been dating Jennifer for three years now. Almost four. It had been his longest relationship. Soon he would be announcing his engagement. There would be a wedding and eventually babies. His own family.

 

It was just her.

 

Bass party of one.

 

She was odd person out at everything. She was the permanent third wheel. The one who still sent generic Christmas cards that came in a box from Hallmark because she didn't have a family photo to put on the front. How pathetic would it be to send a Christmas photo card? What would it say? ‘Merry Christmas from The Bass Family' That would be a lie. One person does not make a family. ‘Merry Christmas from Rachel Bass' She might as well get a dozen cats.

 

The Christmas decorations in her house used to make her so happy. Lance had once joked she left tinsel wherever she went from Thanksgiving to New Years. She couldn't dispute his claim. Christmas music played nonstop. Today was different. The decorations failed to make her happy. None of them could draw the tiniest of smiles. Her place was silent. No music drifted from room to room. There was no Bing Crosby. No Nat King Cole. No Burl Ives. No Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

 

Rachel knew she was probably overreacting. Plenty of people in the world were alone on Christmas and they probably didn't act like she did. She wasn't the only person in the world who had plans fall through. It was one day. It didn't matter it was her favorite day of the year. It didn't matter that the day brought back all the memories she loved as a child. It didn't matter that she'd give anything to have those days and that innocence back.

 

Back when there was still a Santa Claus. Back when cookies and milk where left on the coffee table. Back when she, Lance, and Stacy tried to stay up as late as possible in hopes of catching Santa. They never did. Some mornings they'd wake up on their bedroom floors against the door where they'd fallen asleep the night before peeking out the crack in their doors. Back when they dressed up to attend Midnight Mass. When it was school Christmas concerts and handmade ornaments from school. When Santa's secret gift shop was still a thing and the jewelry turned fingers green. To Saturday morning cartoons. To walkmans and VCRs. To climbing trees and broken wrists. Sleepovers at Grandma's. Growing up all she wanted to do was to be able to sit at the adult table. No one told her that once she was allowed it would all be different.

 

Now it was quick texts. Short phone calls. And I can't make it for a visit this time. It was expensive gifts that didn't mean anything. It was stress shopping to find the perfect gift knowing the person can just buy what they want. It was fake smiles and snide remarks whispered behind backs. It was long lines and inconsiderate, rude people. It was standstill traffic and horn blares. It was can't make it, we're staying home and doing it as a family this year. Just us. It was dwindling Christmas cards and yearly letters in favor of snap shots with holiday greetings posted on the preferred social media site.

 

Rachel felt a little piece inside of her die. Like she had lost something. It was like the moment in the movie Trolls which she had seen dozens of times thanks to Melissa's kids, where Poppy lost her color. The whole Christmas silver and gold, red and green aura she had around her was no longer. It was grey.

 

*~*

 

Christmas donned a lot different than Rachel had expected. There was no smell of coffee wafting through the house. Roy and Karen were big coffee drinkers. A habit JC had picked up. A pot of coffee was always on at their house no matter the time of day. Her parents were the same way. They always liked to enjoy a cup of coffee before bed. She picked up the habit in law school. Coffee was the only stimulant that kept her awake to study. The only legal stimulant anyway.

 

No movement came from the house. Which Rachel supposed was a good thing since she was alone and movement meant someone was inside who wasn't supposed to be. Roy and Karen were early risers. They'd have been up for hours by now. She would have heard the low rumble of conversation. There was no breakfast cooking. The smells enticing the late risers to wake and come downstairs.  

 

There were no decorations. Try as she might, she couldn't leave her decorations up. So on Christmas Eve, she spent the whole day moving room to room packing away her decorations for the year. The only thing left was the Christmas tree in the corner - void of all its ornaments and lights. It would be gone too, but she couldn't take it out of her apartment by herself. It would be here until she could get help, mocking her.

 

The TV was off. A Christmas Story wasn't playing on repeat like it was every year. She didn't even have the Yule Log channel on with a fire burning on the screen complete with the popping and crackling sounds, while Christmas music played. It was quiet. No noise came from the other apartments. Most of the occupants were gone. Off visiting family. Even the street outside was silent. No one was on the road. They were tucked into their houses enjoying Christmas morning. Parents still in their pajamas, drinking coffee, smiles on their faces watching kids rip the wrapping paper from dozens of boxes.

 

It was sort of like that for her. She was tucked on her couch in her pajamas with a hot cup of coffee. Instead of wrapping paper strewn everywhere she had papers laid out all over her coffee table and couch. Her laptop open in the middle. A yellow legal pad with a pen next to it. Work was always there for her.

 

Rachel had decided to become a lawyer after seeing what Lance had gone through with Lou Pearlman and Trans-Continental. It turned out young kids got taken advantage of all the time in the entertainment business. In order to make sure what happened to Lance and the rest of the guys didn't happen again, she started her own practice. She represented those young kids and parents who were new to entertainment, who had no idea what they were getting in to. Who had stars in their eyes. She also became Lance's lawyer helping with whatever endeavors he put his hands in. Aside from Lance, she looked over anything JC brought her.

 

None of her work was pressing, but what else did she have to do? She'd start off the New Year ahead of the game. Of course if she spent the entire holiday vacation working she'd have nothing for Casey, her intern, to do when she returned. What could she do though? There was nothing for her to do but work. Aquaman was playing in theaters. She could go and drool over Jason Momoa, but what fun was that alone? She and Melissa had made plans to do that together when she had returned from Florida.

 

It was work and when that was done, she could hit some of the hiking trails. When that didn't work, there was also her Roseanne DVDs. With twelve days to fill, there was also her Golden Girls DVDs. She could also finish watching CSI she had started binging a few months ago. There were plenty of things she could do. The problem was she just didn't want to do any of them. She wanted to be surrounded by family and friends. She had wanted to go for a drive around the neighborhood where Roy and Karen lived looking at decorations. She wanted to sing along to Christmas music. She wanted the laughter and conversation. Family. Togetherness.

 

By early afternoon Rachel had combed through three client files and was working on a fourth when her phone rang. She'd already spoken with her parents and Stacy. She spun a tale on what she had done in Orlando and how her Christmas was going and what was planned for later. It was so good in fact, she contemplated becoming a defense lawyer. Her lies wouldn't be found out. Her family thought she was with JC. JC thought she was with Stacy. Stacy was the one person she knew JC wouldn't actively seek out and call. They were more acquaintances, less friends. Unless Lance called JC instead of sending a generic holiday greeting over his group text, no one would know.

 

"How is Christmas is Miami?" Rachel asked as she answered her phone.

 

"Probably the same as it is in Orlando," Lance's deep voice tumbled over the connection. "Hot and blue skies as far as the eye can see. Sure doesn't feel like Christmas."

 

‘You're telling me.' Rachel thought. "One of these years we're gonna have to go somewhere and experience a white Christmas."

 

"We tried that. Remember our trip to Dollywood?" Lance laughed. "It didn't snow once the whole two weeks we were there."

 

Rachel chuckled at the memory from a few years ago. The plan had been to vacation in a place where it would snow for the holidays. Living in Mississippi they hadn't experienced a true white Christmas. Now she and Lance lived in California. Another state that didn't experience a white Christmas. They chose Tennessee and Dollywood. Everyone had been excited. The kids hadn't been able to contain their excitement at being able to play in the snow. The weather had other plans. It was a mild winter and they didn't even need to wear their gloves or hats. It was warmer in Dollywood than it had been in Jackson, Mississippi. "Guess we should do what Stacy did this year and go where we know there will be snow."

 

"Yeah but after this, doubtful Stacy will want to go back to the snow."

 

That was true. Stacy hadn't sounded too happy when they spoke. After only four days at the ski lodge she was over the snow and the cold. Rachel hadn't felt sorry for her sister. She could send the kids out with any number of people and cozy up under a blanket in front of the fire - a real fire, not a fake TV fire - with her husband. Cuddling with yourself wasn't much fun.

 

"It's awfully quiet there." Lance spoke, causing her to jump. She'd been lost in thought thinking about a blanket, a fire, and cuddling. Her head was the only place it would ever happen.

 

"Oh I stepped outside away from the noise." Rachel said quickly. She should have turned on the TV to create some noise. She briefly wondered if there was a video on YouTube that provided background noises that imitated a party. If there wasn't, someone needed to invent one. "How's it going with the in-laws?" She stuck her pen through her messy ponytail and leaned back against the couch listening as Lance talked about they days he spent in Miami. Last minute gift shopping last night and what had happened so far on Christmas Day.

 

"I can't believe you went to Target on Christmas Eve. You're nuts."

 

"It made me want to start my Christmas shopping in January," Lance laughed. "So how's it going with your in-laws?"

 

Rachel gave a strangled laugh. "My in-laws?"

 

"Yeah," Lance chuckled. "You talk to Karen more than you talk to Mom."

 

"I do not." It was probably the same amount.

 

"You spend more time with them than I do with Michael's parents."

 

‘Not anymore.' Rachel thought. They didn't want her at their house for Christmas.

 

"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get your own mention in the Christmas newsletter." Lance laughed.

 

"That's not even funny." Rachel told him feeling a stab of pain in her heart. She wondered how her Christmas letter would read? ‘Got another cat this year. That's four now....'

 

"Are you okay?" Lance asked. His laugh stuttered to a halt when he didn't hear an echoing laugh from his younger sister. They'd been doing this joke for years now. As a joke one year he had sent her adult adoption papers indicating Roy and Karen adopting her. It had been funny and worth the earful he had received from their mom.

 

"I'm fine." Rachel said, silently cursing herself. She knew the phone call with Lance would be harder to get through than her parents' or Stacy's. Lance could always read her more easily. "The joke's getting old Lance. Roy and Karen aren't my in-laws."

 

"Because he's an idiot."

 

"No," Rachel sighed, rubbing her forehead. "No he's not." She wasn't sure how many people figured out her feelings for JC. Her parents knew. As did Lance and Stacy. JC had a clue she was sure, but he never said a word. When she first realized her feelings she laughed it off a silly little crush on her older brother's friend. After all, what sister didn't crush on their older brother's friend? But the years went by and the crush continued to grow. Nothing ever came of it. Nothing ever would. She was Lance's little sister. Not girlfriend material.

 

"It is the age thing because that's dumb as hell." Lance continued. "Michael and I are eight years apart and look at us? Age means nothing. They are just numbers."

 

"Right now it might be the girlfriend he's had for oh I don't know almost four years now." Rachel could feel the headache coming on. "Just drop it Lance. Stop the jokes. Stop the teasing. It's not funny. It just reminds me of how sad and pathetic I am."

 

Lance was silent. Rachel closed her eyes holding her breath; holding the tears. Normally she would have laughed off his jokes. Any other day she could. Not today. Not when she was already vulnerable. "What did Santa bring?"

 

Rachel released her breath when Lance dropped the subject and told her about the gifts everyone had received and the ones he had given. The bullet had been dodged. For now.

 

Another bullet had to be dodged a couple hours later when JC called. It was nearing dinner time in Florida. She could hear all the commotion in the background and once again felt the pain in her chest. The silence in her apartment was deafening compared to the sounds coming through JC's phone.

 

"Merry Christmas."

 

"Merry Christmas JC." She couldn't keep the smile out of her words. It was probably best. It would give off the semblance that she was having a good time on her nonexistent trip to Colorado.

 

"How's Colorado?"

 

"Cold and snowy. Freezing." Rachel named off the adjectives Stacy had used when she called; though she left off a few of the vulgar ones. She thought it was best. JC's chuckle came through the phone and she closed her eyes at the sound. "How's it there? Wait. Let me guess. Hot and sunny."

 

"As usual." JC laughed. "Florida never changes. I was telling Mom and Dad how you were the smartest one out of everyone."

 

She was actually pretty dumb. "How do you figure that?"

 

"You're the only one getting a white Christmas out of everyone. We're here in Florida. Lance is here. Your parents are cruising on the Caribbean."

 

Rachel looked at the window in her living room. There was no white Christmas in LA. "Actually Stacy's the smartest one. She's vacationing where there is snow. I'm just like that uncle that's in every family. He's gotta come for the holidays, he's family. Yet no one wants to put him up and it becomes a fight of ‘I had him at my house last year. It's your turn.' Or a tag-along. Like when you finally get permission to hang out with your friends but as soon as you open the door to leave, your mother calls out ‘take your sister with you.' Then you're walking six steps behind them so not to make it look like you're part of their group."

 

JC was silent and Rachel cringed again palming her forehead. After this phone call she was turning her phone off before she could say something else equally as stupid. Her brain to mouth filter was apparently broken. She hadn't even broken out the wine yet.

 

"That's not what happened this year."

 

‘It sort of is,' Rachel thought. JC's parents didn't want her there. Whichever family member she called would have felt obligated to take her in. After all, she's family.

 

"Rachel..." JC started and walked from the living room away from the commotion of his entire family. He slid open the door to the back deck and stepped out. "That's not even remotely true."

 

"I know." She didn't. "Don't mind me. Wine flows freely here. I thought wine would make me a better skier."

 

"All the wine in Colorado couldn't make you a better skier." JC wanted to talk more about Rachel's statement, but he let her change the subject. "How is the skiing?"

 

"The snow seems less forgiving this year. You know the children's chopsticks you get at Chinese restaurants with the wrapper rolled up and stuffed between the sticks and held with a rubber band? You think they make children's skis like that I could use?" She smiled hearing his laugh in her ear.

 

"I don't think banding your skis together would be a smart option."

 

"No," Rachel mused. "I'd probably have to rubber band myself to a ski instructor. I wonder if they do tandem skiing. Kind of like tandem skydiving."

 

"That's a little drastic don't you think?"

 

"Tell that to my bruised behind. I go on the bunny slopes with Keagan and Kellen. I go first and they wave as they pass me after I go ass over tea kettle." The stories flow from her lips, further egged on by his laughter. "They ski so good, they graduated off the kiddie slopes. While I'm stuck with five year olds giving me pointers, my nephews are ready for the Olympics."

 

JC chuckled. "When I get back, we'll hit up Big Bear or Mammoth."

 

She'd have to find her skis first. She thought they were in the back of her closet. Or maybe under the bed in the spare bedroom. She didn't know.

 

"Oh yeah. Start off the year with humiliation."

 

"It won't be that bad." JC chided. "How about we hit up Big Bear? It's only a three hour drive. We'll go over there and spend the day."

 

"JC..."

 

"Come on. Let me try to make up for what happened here."

 

"You don't have to do that." Rachel said softly. "It's fine. It all worked out. You're spending the holidays with your family and I...I'm with mine."

 

"Rachel-"

 

"It's okay, JC. Really. I should let you go." ‘Before I say something I shouldn't.' "You should get back to your family."

 

"You're my family too." JC said firmly.

 

"Yeah." ‘But not really'

 

"What's going on?" JC asked. "This isn't like you. It's Christmas Day. It's your favorite time of the year. What's Lance say? You leave tinsel wherever you go?"

 

"Must have lost it on the slopes when I fell. You know like Sonic The Hedgehog loses his coins?"

 

"What did Santa bring you?" JC asked, desperate to not only prolong the call but see what he could find out. Something was going on.

 

Rachel's laugh was forced. She looked at her tree. Void of decorations. The tree skirt already packed up. Beneath the tree was empty. There were no presents. Her stocking had been packed up as well. There had been no excitement waking up to see what Santa had left under the tree or to see gifts under the tree in their brightly wrapped packages and bows. She had mailed off her gifts to her parents and Stacy's family so they'd receive them before they left. She had received theirs last week.  She, Lance, and Michael had exchanged gifts before they left for Miami. Her and JC had done it the day before he left. "Santa either couldn't find me or I didn't make the nice list this year."

 

"What?" JC asked dumbly. "You didn't have anything under the tree?"

 

"It's alright. I wasn't expecting anything." If she didn't expect anything she wouldn't be disappointed. Right? "Stacy and I had already done our gifts. And I don't know Ford's family all that well. It's not like they were prepared for a tagalong anyway."

 

"Stop calling yourself that." JC snapped. Something was definitely wrong. He couldn't remember a time - especially during Christmas - when Rachel sounded this gloomy. Not for the first time he wished he was with her. "It's quiet there. What's everyone doing?"

 

"Oh. Everyone is sort of off doing their own thing. Just sort of scattered." Rachel hoped he didn't ask for details. She hadn't researched the place to lie with specifics. First rule of lying was to be vague. "I really didn't feel like skiing. I might bundle up and take a walk. It really is beautiful here."

 

"I can't believe they just left you alone." JC said angrily. It was Christmas Day; the day to be surrounded by family.

 

"It's their family vacation JC. They're out doing things. Making memories. It is what it is. It would be no different than if I had come to Orlando with you."

 

"Bullshit."

 

"JC-"

 

"It would not have happened. I wouldn't have left you alone today of all days. And I would have made sure you had gifts under the tree this morning. You would have been included in everything because you're family. My family. You're not some tagalong or someone I feel obligated to include." JC ran a hand over his face. The frustration evident. "Man you have me worked up. I'm gonna go before I say something I shouldn't. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

 

"Yeah. Okay." The pain started right beneath her rib cage and travelled up until it became a lump in her throat.

 

"Merry Christmas."

 

"Yeah. Merry Christmas." Rachel echoed. The phone beeped in her ear signaling the call had ended. The phone wasn't even away from her ear before the tears came.

JC leaned on the child safety fence his parents installed around their pool when Tyler's oldest daughter, Elaina, was born. He stared at the water watching its movements as the vacuum puttered away at the bottom. He felt off kilter and had from the moment he found out he had to rescind the offer of Rachel joining him and his family for Christmas. It was a lowest of lows for him standing in her apartment, surrounded by all the Christmas cheer, telling her she couldn't come when it was all she could talk about. When she had spent an entire day baking every desert possible as gifts for his family. He could see the containers on her counter. The tins with their Christmas designs. A name tag on each. A festive bow would be placed on them in Florida so they wouldn't be squished from the plane ride. He wondered what she did with the baked goods. He couldn't bring them. He had no room. Jennifer either.

 

It had been such a relief finding out she was going to Colorado and crashing with Stacy. The thought of her staying in LA all alone... JC hung his head. This was not the Christmas he had been expecting. He expected his friend to be here joining in on the celebrations. Spreading her infectious cheer for the holiday. Singing Christmas carols off key. Being scolded by his mom and aunts for being in the kitchen trying to help prepare the food. Talking legalese with Tyler. Talking football with his father. Laughing with Heather over some inappropriate topic. Talking every topic under the sun with his mother like they hadn't spent the last year talking every week.

 

JC hadn't seen the big deal inviting Rachel to Orlando for the holidays. She was one of his closest friends; had been for a decade. She had nowhere else to go with the Bass family scattered. He hadn't seen the problem with having her at his parents' as well as having Jennifer's family. Apparently it was something he should have thought of. He didn't. It was an issue he should have seen. He hadn't. Some family members had started to voice their concerns at this extra person. They felt Rachel being there was an intrusion. It wasn't. Not to him. Not to his family. His mother hadn't wanted to cause any friction between the two families. She hadn't wanted to subject Rachel to any ill will. ‘I hate doing this JC. You know I love that girl like my own, but you can't bring her. I just know someone is gonna open their mouth and say something and I don't want her hurt.' His mother had told him over the phone as she explained what was going on. He tried to get Jennifer to intervene and explain to her family that Rachel was a friend. It hadn't worked. In the end Rachel had gotten hurt anyway and he was the one who had done it.

 

Now he found himself constantly wondering about her and how she was doing in Colorado. Dodging questions from Jennifer's family about when he was gonna ‘pop the question' and ‘what was he waiting on'. He ignored the sympathy looks from his family. He felt them. This had been the first time he had been able to get away and call her. And she hit him with stuff about being alone, no presents to open, a tagalong people felt obligated to invite. If he had been in California and she pulled that, he would have been in his car and at her door before the phone call even ended. But he was in Florida. She was in Colorado.

 

"JC? Honey? Are you okay?" Karen slipped out the door going to her oldest son.

 

"What?" JC looked up as his mom came to stand beside him. "Yeah. I'm okay. I just came outside to get away from the noise to talk to Rachel."

 

"How is she?" Karen asked. "Colorado must be beautiful this time of year. All that snow on the ground. I can't wait until she posts pictures. Surprised she hasn't already"

 

"Something's wrong."

 

"What do you mean something's wrong? Are you okay?"

 

"Not with me. With Rachel." JC sighed.

 

"Holiday stress could be getting to her."

 

JC shook his head. "Not her. Never her. Holiday stress doesn't even factor in to Rachel's make up. She lives for this season."

 

"What's wrong?"

 

"I don't know. It was the way she was talking. Like she was just an obligation for people. Like Stacy had to take her in not because she wanted too but because she was family. How she's alone in the room because everyone is out with their families. She said it would have been the same thing here."

 

"Ah," Karen said, nodding her head.

 

"Ah what?" JC said exasperated when his mother failed to offer anything more.

 

"I understand that's all."

 

"Maybe you can explain it to me because I don't."

 

"Everyone evolves JC. Families evolve. Marrying your father having Heather and Tyler, adopting you. That was my family. Your father. You kids. You guys were all first. We broke off and started our own family traditions. It all didn't revolve around my parents or Roy's. We got together with my siblings and Roy's, but it wasn't a top priority. We wanted to create memories with our little family," Karen explained. "Now we've become our parents. You guys have families of your own.  Tyler is married with kids. Heather is married. You have a long term girlfriend. We're still your family. We're just not at the center circle anymore. We're in the outer circle. Same thing happened to Rachel and her family. Growing up the center of her circle was Jim, Diane, Stacy, and Lance. Everyone's grown. Stacy has a new center. So does Lance. Rachel has shifted to that outer circle. Stacy probably doesn't mean to not include her. She's just trying to create memories and have her family time with her husband and kids before they move off and create their own center. Unfortunately for Rachel, she doesn't have that center circle. She probably never realized it until this year when Lance and Stacy broke off to their own center family thing. She was on the outside looking in."

 

"That's not true," JC shook his head. "She does have a center circle."

 

"JC, sweetie," Karen said softly, putting a hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. "If you're putting yourself at Rachel's center think about what that means." She watched as JC's head dropped and his shoulders droop. Her heart went out to her son.

 

"Yeah." JC sighed.

 

"If you have feelings for her you're not being fair to Jennifer. Or to yourself."

 

"I didn't exactly plan for this to happen"

 

Karen smiled softly. "No one ever does.

 

*~*

 

"What's going on JC?" Jennifer asked as she pulled the nightgown over her head and brushed it over her body. It fell to the top of her thighs. It was satin and low cut. It was brand new. And JC hadn't even spared her a glance the whole time she was getting changed.

 

"Nothing." JC plugged his phone in. He checked it one more time. Still nothing from Rachel. He had tried to call her after dinner but she hadn't answered. A couple more tries throughout the evening yielded the same results. Either she was ignoring him or busy enjoying Christmas night. He would have bet on the latter but after the earlier phone call, he wasn't sure anymore. Sitting the phone down on the bedside table, he pulled the covers back and sat down on the edge of the bed.

 

Jennifer knelt on the bed and walked on her knees until she was behind JC. She wrapped her arms around his chest and kissed his ear. His long shoulder length hair - that she loved so much - tickled her chin. She nuzzled his ear as she pressed her chest against his back. She ran her hands over his chest and trailed them down his stomach until she reached the hem of his white t-shirt. He was wearing too many clothes with his white t-shirt and blue, green, and black plaid pajamas pants. Her hands slipped beneath the shirt seeking warm skin. She ran her hands over his stomach as she continued to place kisses on his neck. He tilted his head and she smiled against his skin.

 

JC closed his eyes and tried to lose himself in Jennifer's touches, but it wasn't working. It wasn't her face he was seeing. It wasn't her touch he was feeling. When her hands brushed against the front of his pants, he stopped her movements.

 

"JC?" Jennifer questioned catching herself on the bed when JC stood up and walked away. She nearly fell face first off the bed when he moved.

 

"I can't." JC said. He gripped the edge of the dresser with his hands until the knuckles turned white. He dropped his head.

 

"JC?" Jennifer asked softly. She climbed from the bed and walked over to him, placing a hand on his back. "It's okay. We don't have to. It's been a long day."

 

JC shook his head. His eyes were clenched shut. He hated this. He hated knowing he was going to hurt her. He hated knowing he had hurt Rachel and continued to hurt her every time he ignored her feelings for him. He didn't want to do this today - today of all days. Jennifer didn't ask for this. She didn't ask for her boyfriend to love two women. He did love her. He did. He just loved Rachel more. He wanted to be Rachel's center circle.

 

"What's wrong JC? You've been like this since dinner. I know my family can come on a little strong sometimes and I'm sorry about how they kept asking when we were getting married."

 

"I can't do this anymore." JC raised his head staring at the oval mirror hung on the wall above the dresser. He met Jennifer's eyes in the mirror and saw the apprehension cover her face. "I'm sorry.

 

"Can't do what?" Jennifer asked slowly even as she knew the answer. A pit opened up in her stomach and she felt a lump rise in her throat.  "JC..." her eyes filled with tears.

 

"I'm sorry, Jennifer." JC stated again, his heart breaking.

 

"You're breaking up with me on Christmas." She asked feeling a tear escape and roll down her cheek.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Stop saying that and tell me why." Jennifer snapped.

 

"I realized that while I love you, I don't love you enough. It's why I haven't asked you to marry me. I love you; I do. I just..." he sighed. "I love someone else more."

 

"It's Rachel isn't it?" Jennifer stared at him reading the answer in his eyes. "You told me you two were just friends. There was nothing between you."

 

"We are just friends.  There is nothing between us."

 

"Then why now? Why after all these years?"

 

"My mom said something that got me thinking."

 

"Unbelievable." Jennifer wiped her tears with her fingers. "Rachel was always better in your mom's eye. I was competing with her even though there was nothing going on."

 

"No you weren't." JC said harshly. "My mom loves you."

 

"Not as much as she loves Rachel." Jennifer laughed. "What did she say to make you dump me?"

 

"That's not what happened." JC said. "I didn't even realize... I didn't know..." he sighed and shook his head. He dropped his head looking down at the carpet. "I just realized something I may have always known. I just didn't see it."

 

"So it's the ‘its not you, it's me' speech," Jennifer laughing brokenly.

 

"No." JC said quickly. "Maybe. I don't know." He ran his fingers through his hair. Rachel hated it. She told him many times. Threatened him with scissors on multiple occasions. He pressed the heel of hands into his eyes. "I'm not being fair to you. Where I should be picturing you, I'm not. I thought I just wasn't ready to get married that when I was it would change. I know that wasn't the answer."

 

"I quit my job this year JC. I moved all the way to California to move in with you. Now you're doing this? You couldn't tell me this before I upended my life for a guy who apparently doesn't see me as his forever?" Tears streamed down her face. "Let me tell you, I saw you. I pictured you in all those moments. I saw you well into my future."

 

"I'm sorry Jennifer."

 

"Well that gets me nowhere. I'm at your parents' house, three thousand miles from home which isn't my home anymore." Jennifer tossed her hands in the air and spun away from JC. Going into the bathroom, she shut the door. Burying her face in the hand towel she grabbed from the towel rack, she started to cry.

 

JC stared at the closed door. His heart hurt hearing the muffled cries. He moved toward the door before he remembered he didn't have the right to comfort her tears. With a sigh he grabbed his glasses from the dresser and put them on his face. Taking his phone from the charger he left the room, closing the door softly behind him with barely a click.

 

The house was dark. The guests had long since left. His parents had gone to bed a couple hours before worn out from the long day. He and Jennifer had stayed up in the living room finishing "A Christmas Story" before going to bed. In the living room he turned on the Christmas tree. Its lights providing enough glow. He sunk down on the couch and buried his face in his hands, his fingers going beneath the glasses. This had not been the Christmas he had been expecting. The last thing he had expected was to break up with Jennifer. Hell the last thing he had expected was to realize his feelings for Rachel.

 

It was a mess. Jennifer had been right in one aspect. She had upended her life for him. Quit her job here in Orlando. Left her family and friends and moved in with him in California. Nothing had changed for him. Nothing will change after this. Jennifer, on the other hand, was at her ex-boyfriend's parents' house. Everything she own was 3000 miles away in California. A house she wouldn't go back to. At least to live. The next time she would walk in to his house would be to pick up her things.

 

It would probably be best for him to extend his time in Florida with his parents. That would allow Jennifer to go back to California and gather her things without him being there. He felt bad enough to go back to California and help her move out and get her things to wherever she wanted them. If only he had realized what Rachel meant to him before he asked Jennifer to move in with him. If he had realized before he started the long distance relationship with Jennifer after breaking up with his previous girlfriend, Kathryn, today would have been much different. Rachel would have been here with him in Florida and not in Colorado. He wouldn't have had to rescind the invitation to spend the holidays with him and his family because she was family. She would have been his family. They would have been each other's center. He wouldn't be plagued with the feeling that something was wrong with her from a phone call. She would have been with him. They would have been with curled together in the bedroom upstairs. Better yet, they would have been laying together on the couch blanketed in the glow of the Christmas tree lights.

 

2018 was closing out a heckuva lot different than it had started.

 

JC turned at a sound behind him and saw Jennifer coming down the stairs. She had changed in to jeans and a zip up hoodie. In her hands she carries her suitcases. He immediately stood. "What are you doing?"

 

"I'm going to go to my parents." Jennifer said sitting the luggage down by the front door.

 

"You don't have to do that." JC stated.

 

"It's for the best. I can't stay here. Not after..." Jennifer's voice wobbled and she tried to bit back the tears. "I'm gonna take the rental... I'll get it back to you tomorrow since you signed for it."

 

"Jennifer..."

 

"Please don't JC," Jennifer said softly.

 

"I really am sorry Jennifer."

 

"That doesn't mean anything to me right now." Jennifer unlocked the front door and pulled it open. The alarm started to beep. She watched as JC quickly jump to the keypad and enter in the code to disarm the system. Picking up her suitcases she walked outside, aware that JC was following her. "Please go back inside JC."

 

"Please let me help you."

 

"You've done enough."

 

JC bit back another apologize and forced himself to watch Jennifer load her suitcases into the back of the mid sized SUV.

 

Jennifer pulled open the driver's side door and paused before she climbed in. "I'll call you in a few days to work out what to do with my things." She didn't wait for a reply just climbed into the vehicle and closed the door.

 

JC watched Jennifer back down the driveway. He watched until the taillights were out of sight. Only then did he make his way back inside where he reset the alarm. When he turned around he nearly jumped out of his skin seeing his mother.

 

"What's going on? Why were you outside?" Karen asked. "Is everything okay?"

 

JC shook his head. "Jennifer and I broke up."

 

"Oh JC," Karen gasped taking a step forward. She stopped when JC held up his hand.

 

"It's okay." JC didn't need his mother fawning over him. He needed to be by himself. "I'm okay. Just go back to bed."

 

"JC..."

 

JC met his mother's eye and forced himself to smile. "I'm okay. I promise. I just need to be alone."

 

"Okay." Karen relented with a frown. "If you need me..."

 

"I know Mom," JC smiled and kissed her cheek. "Night.

 

When his mother disappeared back upstairs, JC collapsed on the couch with a sigh.

 

*~*

 

JC pushed the door open to his parents' house. He had borrowed his mom's car earlier. His rental had been sitting in the driveway when he returned and he wondered when Jennifer had brought it back. If she had been the one or if someone else did. Dropping his mother's keys back in her purse he found his parents in the living room. His father sat in his recliner, still in his pajamas, a cup of coffee on the table beside him. Roy had declared it a recovery day. He hadn't planned on doing anything that required getting dressed. Even as he said it, his face was awash in happiness at the memories from yesterday surrounded by all his children and grandchildren. His mother sat on end of the couch closest to her husband, reading glasses on her face, a new book she had received yesterday on her lap. She was already a third of the way through.

 

"Are you hungry Sweetie?" Karen asked as she looked up from her book when she heard JC enter the room. Her eyes widened in surprise. Gone was the shoulder length hair JC had been sporting for a last year and a half. It was back to the faded style he usually wore cut a little shorter.

 

"I'm good," JC took a seat on the couch. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation played on TV. He could feel his mother's eyes on him. "I'm fine Mom."

 

"You sure?" Karen asked, staring at JC unable to believe that he had cut his hair. She'd been after him for months to cut it.

 

"I'm sure." JC answered as he kept his eyes on the TV. "Who brought back the rental?"

 

"I didn't know it was back. No one came to the door." Karen looked at him, shutting her book. "They must have left the keys in the car."

 

JC nodded.

 

"Do you want to go and do something?" Karen asked her son after they sat in the silence; the only sound came from the TV and Roy's occasional chuckle. "I'm sure we can pry your father out of the recliner."

 

"Don't count on it," Roy said, his eyes on the TV and his movie.

 

Karen rolled her eyes affectionately. "Don't listen to him."

 

"I'm fine Mom. Besides," he turned his head to look at her with a smile. "You know Dad isn't getting out of that chair for nothing today."

 

"I have my ways." She winked at JC.

 

JC laughed. He was sure his mother did. The movie didn't hold his interest at it usually did. After a few minutes he pushed up from the couch and walked from the room ignoring his parents' looks. Upstairs he noticed the bed had been striped and remade with fresh sheets. His mother's doing. Jennifer's perfume still hung in the room. The scent was feint, but he could still smell it. He missed her, but not like he should. He caught sight of himself in the oval mirror and stared at his reflection. Since he'd gotten his hair cut that morning he kept running a hand through it shocked that there was nothing left. It was a surprised to reach the end a lot sooner than he anticipated. Cutting his hair had been a snap decision. He's gone out for a drive to try to clear his head. He hit the first Starbucks drive thru he came to for the largest black coffee he could find. Then drove aimlessly through the streets. Seeing a Great Clips, he pulled in on a whim and was in the chair before he could even think. Great Clips was a far cry from where he usually got his hair cut, but they had done a good job.

 

Rachel hadn't messaged him yet. Not even a simple good morning or GIF depicting what she thought about going skiing again. He had half a notion to fly to Colorado; had driven by the airport twice that morning without even meaning to. Like subconsciously that's what his mind was telling him to do. Her Facebook and Instagram were dark. Except for a generic Merry Christmas posted yesterday, there hadn't been any posts since she'd posted a photo of them during dinner at her place the night before he flew out to Orlando. He found it odd there weren't photos of her on Christmas with her sister or her niece and nephews. She hadn't been tagged in any photos by Stacy or Leighton even though they had posted a lot of photos from their Christmas trip so far. It was weird and further solidified in his mind that something was wrong. What could he do though? He couldn't leave his family and go to Colorado. He'd been looking forward to this trip for months, being able to spend a full two weeks with his parents and siblings.

 

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he quickly pulled it out before sighing. His shoulders slumped in defeat seeing Lance's name on the caller ID instead of Rachel's.

 

"Hey man, what's up?"

 

"Where the heck is my sister?" Lance asked in lieu of hello. "Is she ignoring my messages? You didn't let her have uncontrolled access to the wine did you? You know how she is. Is she passed out right now?"

 

JC frowned confused. "What are you talking about?"

 

"My sister, JC. Can you please get her for me?"

 

"Why do you think I'd be able to get her?" He grew more confused.

 

"Because she's with you in Orlando."

 

"No she's not." A pit grew in JC's stomach at the silence on the phone.

 

"What do you mean she's not with you?" Lance asked slowly. "You invited her to Orlando for the the holidays. If she's not with you, then where is she."

 

"She's in Colorado with Stacy." His answer drew even more silence.

 

"This isn't funny JC." Lance said evenly. "Jokes over. Ha. Ha. Ha. Now put my sister on the phone."

 

"It's not a joke. Rachel didn't come home with me. She went to Colorado."

 

"JC... Rachel is not in Colorado. I know this. I talked to Stacy yesterday. When she told me she had already called Rachel who was having a good time in Orlando...with you. Which is what she told me when I called."

 

Dread set in. "I called her yesterday and she told me what she was doing in Colorado."

 

"Hold on," Lance said. "Don't hang up." He pulled the phone from his ear and tap the add call and entered his sister's number. He waited through the rings, his foot taping impatiently.

 

"Hello?"

 

"It's Lance," he said quickly when Stacy answered. "Do you have a minute?"

 

"Sure, we're just getting ready to hit the slopes. What's up?"

 

"I got JC on the line, I'm gonna connect us." Lance barely heard Stacy's confused ‘okay' as he took the phone away from his ear and merged the calls. "JC?"

 

"I'm here."

 

"What's going on Lance?" Stacy asked after exchanging pleasantries with JC.

 

"Is Rachel with you in Colorado?"

 

"This is a joke right?" Stacy laughed. "Rachel's in Orlando with JC. I wish she was here. I love Ford's family to death, but there is a reason we don't spend a lot of time with them. Consecutively. If she is tired of Orlando and wants to come here, I will gladly pick her up from the airport and she can crash on the couch. It will give me a break from Ford's sisters."

 

"Rachel's not there?" JC asked weakly.

 

"No." Stacy said and grew serious. "What's going on?"

 

"Rachel didn't come with me to Orlando," JC said and explained why to the Bass siblings.

 

"She never told me she wasn't going with you. She never even asked to come along."

 

"Damnit," Lance cursed. He was angry. Rachel had lied to him. Had made him believe she was Orlando with JC. Made him believe she had somewhere to go for the holidays once everyone had other plans fall into their laps.

 

"If Rachel's not in Orlando like we thought, where is she?"

 

‘You're spending the holidays with your family and I'm with mine.'

 

JC leaned his elbow on his knee as he rested his forehead in the palm of his hand. Using that hand he wiped it down his face.

 

‘Unfortunately for Rachel, she doesn't have that center circle... She was on the outside looking in.'

 

Rachel had lied. She wasn't with her family for the holidays. That's why it was quiet during his phone call. It wasn't because everyone was out. It was because no one had been there. She was alone.

Rachel shouldered her bag with her files and laptop as she pulled her keys from the ignition. That morning she had decided to hike at Runyon Canyon. After showering she had spent the afternoon at the office before calling it quits.

 

Pulling the handle and pushing the door open she grabbed her phone from the cupholder and climbed out.

 

"Need help?"

 

Rachel yelped; her phone and keys falling to the ground. She turned around and there stood JC. Her eyes widened in surprised both at him being there and his appearance. "What are you doing here?"

 

"I could ask you the same thing." JC knelt and picked up the items she had dropped when he scared her. He handed her the phone but kept her keys.

 

"I live here." Rachel knew she wasn't going to be able to shake JC.

 

"Yeah you do." JC hit the button the the key fob and locked her car. "But you're not supposed to be here." He fell in to step with her as they walked to the door to her apartment building. They didn't speak as she entered the code to unlock the door. He held it open allowing her to walk through first. He had walked the same path a couple hours ago when he knocked on her door to no avail.

 

When they reached her door on the third floor he took advantage of having her keys and unlocked her door. He turned the knob and pushed it open, following her through. The door latched behind him as he stared in shock at the living room. The empty tree. The absent decorations. There wasn't even Rubbermaid bins out waiting to be stored for another year. Two days after Christmas, Rachel's apartment looked like Christmas hadn't been there at all.

 

Rachel dropped her shoulder bag and purse down on the table. Her plans of takeout and work wasn't happening tonight. She thought she'd be able to make it through without anyone realizing she was lying. Maybe she shouldn't become a defense lawyer. Lying to her family had only lasted two days. At least lying to JC had only lasted a couple of days. She took a deep breath and turned around to find him staring at her. His blue eyes piercing. "You came home about five pounds lighter," she teased unable to believe he had finally gotten his haircut. She been trying for months for him to get rid of its ridiculousness. "Santa brought you a barber huh? I'll be leaving him a little something extra in his milk next year."

 

"You're gonna pretend nothing is wrong?" JC asked, crossing his arms as he stared at her.

 

"How'd you figure it out?"

 

"Speaking to you on Christmas..."

 

"Damn," Rachel cursed. "I was ready to become a defense lawyer I was slinging stories so well. Breezed right by my parents, Stacy, and Lance."

 

"I didn't know you were lying to me. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know you were downright lying. Then you were ignoring me."

 

"Yeah I figured that probably wasn't my smartest move." She sighed. "So how'd you figure out I wasn't with Stacy?"

 

"Lance called me looking for you. After a runaround, we connected with Stacy."

 

"You didn't have to ruin your vacation and come back to check on me. I'm fine." ‘Fine-ish.' She amended in her head.

 

"You wanna try something I'll believe? Because it's gonna take something good to make me believe you're fine when your place looks like this."

 

"What's wrong with how it looks?" She sighed when JC sent her a look. His arms were still crossed. She knew she wasn't getting out of this with anything less than the truth. She pulled out the table chair and plopped down with a sigh. This wasn't going to end well for her. Her emotions were out of whack. It had been why she was ignoring JC and Lance. They would have picked up on something immediately.

 

JC moved to Rachel's side, sitting down at the table with her. From the moment he realized Rachel had lied to them and was back in California alone, he started making preparations. His parents had been behind him going back to California when they found Rachel was alone. They went so far as to tell him to bring her back to Florida for what what was left of the holidays. "You didn't tell them. They didn't know you weren't with me. Why didn't you tell them?"

 

"If I told them I wasn't going to Orlando anymore Mom and Dad would have cancelled their cruise and they were looking forward to go. Mom already had their itinerary planned."

 

JC understood why she didn't tell her parents. Their plans were different than Stacy's or Lance's. "You could have told your sister or Lance, they would have let you..." he trailed off before the word he'd been about to say could come free.

 

"Tagalong?" Rachel offered. "Yeah. That sounds like a great time." She sighed and went to get up but JC blocked her. She sat back in the chair with a sigh.

 

JC had sat sideways in the chair, facing Rachel and slid forward after she sat back down. Her chair was angled toward him from when she pulled it out earlier. When he moved closer, one of her knees was between his. He leaned in, resting his elbows on his knees. He reached out and took her hand in his. Before he could speak, she started talking.

 

"I didn't call Stacy because she was spending time with her family. I know I'm family. But not like Ford and the kids. I know she would have told me to come. I know she would have been fine with it. I just would have felt like I was intruding. It's different when we're all together. It feels like we're all the same level. We're all celebrating together. Separated though..." she trailed off. She stared at her hand, in JC's grasp watching as his thumb ran back and forth over the back of her hand. "Maybe I should have just gone to Miami. Might have been easier with just Lance and Michael, but I don't really know Michael's family all that well. I barely know Ford's after all this time. And I'd still be that third wheel. That little sister trailing after everyone." She shrugged. "I figured it was better to stay home. Save myself from feeling that way. But it didn't matter. I'll be fine when Christmas rolls around next year. I'll be better prepared for it next time."

 

JC didn't like the sound of that statement and what it might mean. "Rachel, I told you this on the phone. You're family. You're my family."

 

"I know. I'm family like Lance is. Like Joey is. Chris." Rachel named off a dozen more names of JC's close friends.

 

"No." JC reached out and with his index finger under her chin, he raised her head so she'd meet his gaze. He hated how she wouldn't look at him. When she finally looked at him he saw her eyes were wet with tears and his heart clenched. "You are my family. You are not in the same circle as any of those people. I invited you to spend Christmas in Orlando because I wanted you there."

 

"Sometimes circles don't mesh together and I guess that's what happened."

 

"What are you talking about?" He held her chin firmly when she went to drop her gaze. "Rachel, my parents wanted you to come. They were looking forward to your visit. So were Heather and Tyler."

 

"But..."

 

"It was Jennifer's family who were raising issues. You understand? They felt you shouldn't be there and Mom thought it would be best if you didn't come. Not because she didn't want you there or because she felt the same at they did. But because she didn't want them to say something to you. She didn't want you to get hurt."

 

"Oh..." Rachel said her gaze falling to the side. It hadn't worked.

 

"You got hurt anyway,"JC said as if he read her mind. "I'm sorry for that."

 

"It's okay." Rachel shrugged.

 

"No it's not. It's not okay. It's not okay that you couldn't come to Orlando. It's not okay that you spent Christmas alone thinking you didn't belong anywhere. Rachel," he said her name softly and waited for her eyes to drift back to his. "You belong with me" JC closed the distance between them and brushed her lips gently with his. Their lips moved slowly together testing as if unsure. JC felt the touch of her lips with every part of his body. It filled him. It was new. It was exhilarating. It was everything he never knew he needed.

 

"Wait..." Rachel said softly breaking the kiss. She licked her lips, tasting him. That small taste would never be enough. She craved it. "No," she shook her head. "We can't."

 

"Yes we can. I might have been slow on the uptake but I'm caught up now." JC whispered. He cupped her face with his hands. "I told you. You're my family." He watched her eyes shut and twin tears rolled down both cheeks. He brushed them away with his thumbs. "You are my center. You are to me what Mom is to Dad. What Diane is to Jim."

 

"But Jennifer..." She didn't dare let herself hope. Not after all this time. Not after how the last few days have gone.

 

"We broke up on Tuesday when I realized I was putting you in my life where she should have been."

 

"JC..."

 

"No." He whispered cutting her off. "It's alright. It's not your fault. It's not anything you did."

 

Rachel ducked her head, letting her forehead rest against his. She let her hands drop to his knees. Her eyes drifted close and she felt one of his hands drop from her cheek to rest in one of her hands on his knee. His other hand threaded through her hair cupping the back of her head pressing her forehead more firmly against his. She closed her eyes and just breathed.

 

"You'll never spend another Christmas alone." JC whispered.

 

Rachel lifted her head and met his eyes. She lifted her hand and cupped his unshaven cheek. The stubble rough of her palm. She loved it. Using that hand she drew his lips back to hers.

 

*~*

 

JC cringed as the click of the door echoed through the silent apartment. He froze in place as he waited for a sound coming from the back bedroom. He breathed a sigh of relief - not too loudly - when everything remained silent. Stepping lightly he made his way into the living room. He carefully sat the packages he had in his arms down on the coffee table. Pulling his phone from his pocket he tapped the flashlight, illuminating the room. He was so close to being finished, he hadn't wanted to take his chances with the lamp. With his phone providing the light, he placed the brightly wrapped packages under the tree one by one.

 

Rachel had told him why all her Christmas decorations had been taken down and why the tree still remained. His heart had ached listening to the story and how on Christmas Day she had spent the whole day working; passing the hours until the holiday was over. It made him wish that he ignored his mother's wishes and done what he wanted to do the whole time - bring Rachel to Orlando. If he had done that, Rachel wouldn't have been alone on Christmas. She would have been with him and his family.

 

‘Then you wouldn't be here right now.' His mind told him. ‘You wouldn't know how it felt to kiss her, to hold her...to make love to her.'

 

The words were true. If Rachel had accompanied him to Orlando with Jennifer he wouldn't have realized his feelings for her. He would have still been oblivious thinking Rachel was just a friend. Her not coming had been the catalyst that set everything in motion. It caused him to truly think. If she had come, it was hard to tell if he would have ever realized his feelings for her. Her not coming had been the best thing to happen to both of them. He just wished she hadn't been hurt in the process.

 

It had taken everything JC had to pull himself from her arms. Earlier in the night he had offered to pick up dinner. There his plan had formed. While picking up take out, he dropped by a couple of stores. Picking out gifts had been easy. Which should have told him something. He knew her favorite stores and ducked in quickly browsing the racks. In the end he was piling bags containing her gifts into his car. Her favorite perfume. Two outfits that could be mixed and matched with other items in her closet. A new legal thriller paperback book. She loved reading them and pointing out any errors. A Christmas ornament he had picked up off the clearance rack on a whim. Two snowman (a girl and boy) standing together holding a square where a small photo could slide in. The top of the square said ‘1st Christmas together'. On the bottom was the year. Knowing Rachel as he did, she would immediately get a photo to put in and hang it on the tree. In the perfect spot. Finally a diamond necklace. It was another purchase on a whim. He hadn't been looking for jewelry specifically but he'd seen the graduated pendant with five diamonds and he saw it resting on the skin he had just lined with kisses.

 

When he returned to Rachel's apartment, he had do some dancing on why it had taken so long. He knew the fibs would be worth it once he finished his plan. Unfortunately his plan couldn't be put in to motion until she was sleeping. It had been hard to drag himself out of her arms, out of her bed. His body protested the whole time, still on east coast time. But he pushed through the tiredness.

 

Working as quickly as he could knowing Rachel could wake up at any time, he dug the Christmas decorations out of the spare bedroom where Rachel had shoved them and began transforming her apartment back into its Christmas cheer. The tree has taken the longest, especially wrapping the lights. He had dropped plenty of silent curses. Figurines went back on shelves and other flat surfaces. The wreath back on the door. Decorations hung on the wall. A blanket on the back of the couch with two throw pillows leaning against either arm. The tree skirt went back under the tree. He had brought the gifts from his parents and Tyler and Heather. He placed those under the tree as well as the gifts he had just purchased; all wrapped with the paper he had found in the Christmas bins. Her stocking was placed under the tree as well. He had put the book and the ornament in it. As he laid the stocking down, he remembered he should have thought to grab candy to put in as well. Too late to amend that oops.

 

At four in the morning he was finally all done. All the decorations were put back up. The DVD player was loaded with The Christmas Story he had picked up while shopping. The movie on the menu screen just waiting for play to be pushed. Before that happened, he had pulled up the YouTube app on the smartTV and searched for and favorited a Yule Log video. That would be played first. The coffee pot was set up. It would automatically start perking at 7. Thanks to another run in the middle of the night, there was food for breakfast. Eggs, bacon, sausage. Biscuit mix. Pancake mix. OJ. Anything she could possible want, he had picked up thanks to an all night grocer.

 

Everything was finished. All that was missing was Rachel. JC carefully walked down the hallway and slipped into her bedroom, shutting the door behind him. Pulling his clothes off, he let them fall to the floor next to the bed. It crossed his mind to pick them up, but he was exhausted. He worried Rachel would be able to slip out of bed in the morning without him noticing. Rachel moved as he settled and he froze. When she rolled toward him and reached out, he smiled and shifted closer. He drew her into his arms. With her head on his chest and her against his side, he fell asleep a smile on his face.

 

*~*

 

The smell of coffee pulled Rachel from sleep. She groaned and snuggled deeper into the blankets and warm body she was tangled with. Arms tightened around her and she nuzzled the naked chest beneath her head. "I don't remember setting the coffee pot up."

 

"I did." JC's voice rumbled in her ear, low and sleep filled.

 

"You're a prince."

 

JC tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her hair. "I know your addiction."

 

"My addiction?" Rachel asked affronted. "Need I remind you who's the diva when they don't get their coffee?"

 

"So we both have a dependence." He ran his fingers up and down her back, lightly touching the skin. He made no move to push her out of bed. He wasn't ready to get out himself. It might have had to do with only getting three hours of sleep. Could be the fact that he was laying in bed with Rachel who was all sleep warm and snuggly, wrapped around him like an octopus. He was going with the latter. He turned toward her and pulled her closer yet. They both dozed for a little while longer before he was disturbed again with Rachel trying to untangle herself and get out of bed. "Where you going?" He mumbled pulling her back to him.

 

Rachel chuckled softly as she fell back into his hold. "To the bathroom. Then to the kitchen for the coffee. I can't take the smell anymore. It's yelling to me. Very loudly. My heart isn't going thump-thump anymore. It's chanting co-fee co-fee."

 

"That's because you have a coffee deficiency." JC teased.

 

"My low coffee light is on." She laughed as she tried to crawl out of bed once more but JC wouldn't let her go. "I'll bring you back a cup."

 

"Not ready to let you go." He mumbled, holding her. He had a smile on his face; his eyes still closed.

 

"Let me at least use the bathroom. I'll come right back."

 

"I don't believe that," JC said, cracking one eye open. "You'll make a break for it."

 

"I'm gonna need coffee soon." Rachel relaxed into his hold. ‘A bathroom sooner.' She thought.

 

"If I let you go to the bathroom, you promise not to leave the room?"

 

"What's going on?" Rachel turned to face him. His blue eyes were fully open, looking at her. The stubble on his face was more pronounced today.

 

"I have a surprise for you..."

 

"That's not a line is it?" Rachel raised an eyebrow, giving him a look. "Like ‘I have a surprise for you, it's in my pocket. Just reach in and grab it.'"

 

"You've been hanging out with Joey too much." JC rolled his eyes. "And I'm not wearing any pants."

 

"Now there's a line," Rachel grinned ruefully. She watched as JC rolled his eyes playfully. "So a surprise. For me?"

 

"Yes. Promise to stay in the bedroom?"

 

"Okay."

 

While Rachel went into the bathroom, JC pushed the covers back and pulled on the pajama pants he wore last night. He left the room, pulling the door closed. He didn't put it past Rachel to try to sneak out, so he quickly moved through the apartment. The TV was turned on and the YouTube video was started, the volume low so not to give anything away. He turned the tree on then lit the candles that were placed around the room and in the kitchen. When he was finished he went back into the bedroom where Rachel had started to get dressed.

 

"Wait," he stopped her.

 

"This surprise have a dress code?" Rachel asked standing in her bra and panties. She had passed the time by brushing her teeth and washing her face. She also ran a brush through her hair, piling it high in her head in a messy bun. Instead of her contacts she had slipped her black rimmed glasses on her face. The call for coffee was getting louder.

 

"Yes." JC picked up the scarf he had found in the top drawer of her dresser and moved toward her.

 

"What are you doing?" Rachel asked slowly, taking a step back.

 

"Please?" JC asked and grinned when she nodded. When she slipped her glasses off her face he tied the scarf around her head, covering her eyes. "Can you see?"

 

"No."

 

"Good." JC moved away and opened the bedroom door again.

 

"Where you going?" Rachel asked with alarm.

 

"No where." JC reached out to take her outstretched hand. He brought it to his lips. "There is a dress code and unfortunately for me, you're gonna have to get changed."

 

Rachel was frowning but let JC dress her. Her one arm was threaded through a sleeve and the shirt wrapped around her back and she lifted her arm so he could send her other arm through the sleeve. His fingers brushed against her stomach and chest as he buttoned the buttons. When he was finished, she caught his hand in hers. Using touch alone, she following his arm up to his shoulder to his neck to where she finally palmed his cheek. Raising her other hand, she cupped her other cheek and ran her thumbs over his lips. With her hands, she guided his lips to hers.

 

"You're distracting me," JC whispered against her lips before kissed her again.

 

"You could reverse course and unbutton these buttons."

 

He kissed her again before forcing himself to pull away. "Hold that thought." He grabbed the bottoms from the bed and knelt down at Rachel's feet. He put both legs through before pulling the pants up her legs, over her her thighs and onto her hips.

 

"Keep running your fingers over my body like this and we're not making it out of this bedroom, surprise or not."

 

"This is torture for me too. Only a crazy man would be dressing you instead of undressing you. Don't move." He took a couple steps away and quickly changed. He slipped her glasses in the pocket of his pants. "Ready?"

 

"Lead the way." Rachel gripped his hand in hers. "Don't let me stub a toe."

 

"I gotchu."

 

Rachel let herself be led from the bedroom. The smell hit her first. The scent of coffee filled the room but underneath it was a hint of gingerbread. She was certain JC hadn't baked cookies. The music was next. It was low, but she still could make out the strains of ‘O Come All Ye Faithful' on the piano and the crackling of a fire. "JC...what's going on?"

 

"I'm making things right." JC reached up and released the scarf.

 

"Making things..." Rachel gasped as she stared at the room. A room that was completely decorated for Christmas. A room that only had a bare tree yesterday. She covered her mouth with her hands; eyes filled with tears. "But..." she had no words. The tree had lights and ornaments. The angel sat proudly on top. The tree skirt was underneath; presents spread out on it along with her stocking with gifts inside. The TV had a crackling fire. It's speakers playing instrumental Christmas music. Three gingerbread candles of varying heights were placed together on... she looked closer seeing her pizza sheet. Lying on the circle sheet was a small bit of green garland and pinecones and a couple tiny red bows. It looked ridiculous. It was perfect. She loved it.

 

"You deserve to have the Christmas you wanted." His heart sang proudly at the look at Rachel's face. "We won't look at the calendar. We'll pretend it's the 25th. There's coffee complete with your Santa mug. There's presents under the tree all with your name. You must have made the nice list." His heart stumbled when she whirled to look at him. Her eyes were full of tears. The tracks on her cheek let him know some had already escaped. "I have A Christmas Story in the DVD player ready to go for a marathon. We can sit here listen to music, open presents, drink our coffee. We'll have breakfast...with the items I bought last night," he continued after seeing Rachel's mouth open. More than likely to tell him about the dismal contents in her kitchen. "Then we'll refill our coffee cups and cuddle on the couch in our Christmas pajamas watching A Christmas Story until we can quote the whole thing."

 

Rachel looked down at his words and for the first time noticing what he had dressed her in. The bright red cotton print had Santa's face all over them. The piping around the cuffs on the sleeves and up the chest and the collar was white. It had a breast pocket on the left side. The pants were the same red print. Looking up she saw that JC had changed. He wore red and black plaid pajamas pants and a red t-shirt with Santa's face.

 

"But I..." No words came. She was truly speechless for once in her life. "I... but..." she opened and closed her mouth a few times before she gave up. She buried her face in her hands and burst in to tears.

 

"Hey..." JC chuckled softly and pulled her into his arms. "Come on now. Don't cry."

 

Rachel's arms wrapped around him and she hugged him. Tight. "How did you do this?" She was finally able to get out.

 

"There's gonna be a Christmas nap in my future." He laughed and then explained, coming clean on why it took so long to pick up dinner the night before and how he stayed up most of the night.

 

Rachel shook her head still in disbelief. She cupped his face and kissed him thoroughly, her tongue sweeping into his mouth. "I love you." She pressed her lips to his again. "This is amazing." Kiss. "I love you." Kiss. "This is the best thing that anyone has ever done for me." Kiss. "Best Christmas ever."

 

JC laughed, his heart singing. He stopped the quick peeks and captured her lips in an all encompassing kiss. When the kids ended he waited for her eyes to open. When her green ones met his, he whispered, "I love you." The smile she sent him was better than any gift or accolade he had ever received.

 

Rachel took his hand and pulled him to sit on the floor in front of the tree. She rifled through the boxes seeing them all addressed with her name. "None for you?"

 

"Guess I've been naughty."

 

Rachel tossed the rectangle clothing box back under the tree and launched herself at him. They fell back onto the carpet full of laughs and a tangle of limbs. She raised up on her arms looking down at him. "Santa must have made a mistake. After this... after what you did... you're permanently etched on the nice list." She leaned down and kissed him. She felt his hands move beneath her shirt to the small of her back. Her skin tingled where he touched.

 

"I hope he's not watching because what I'm about to do will put me right back on the naughty list."

 

Rachel shivered at his words and let herself be rolled over. She lay on her back on the living room carpet. The tree lights twinkling next to her. Her hands gripped the hem of his t-shirt, slipping under. His skin trembled beneath her hands. Her eyes dropped to his lips before meeting his eyes again. "All those traditions I do each year are nice and all... but this one...this one is my new favorite."

 

"What's that?" JC whispered, a breath away from her lips.

 

"Making love to you under the tree." Rachel tilted her head back and he captured her lips in a demanding kiss. With the smell of coffee and gingerbread in the air and the sounds of Christmas music and a crackling fire around them, they began a new tradition.

 

Together.