Chris Kirkpatrick groaned as he tore the piece of notebook paper out and crumbled it into a ball and toss it behind him. The paper landed on the hardwood floor of his dining room. The floor already held 10 similar balls of paper.  He'd been sitting at his table all morning trying to write and all his brain wanted to do was provide him with the lyrics to songs. He'd been playing a mean air guitar to "Glory Days" when his phone had chirped with a text from Melinda.

 

‘Are you finished yet?'

 

He sent an ‘almost done' to his manager and went back to finishing his solo, kicking the chair to the ground as he rocked out. When the song faded away in his mind, he tried to bring himself back to the task at hand: writing a letter to his younger self. On a piece of paper, he had written:

 

Dear Chris, whatever you do, do not agree to write a letter to yourself.

 

If he was smart, he would have told his younger self to not put off the letter to the last possible second, to start working on it immediately. No one ever accused him of being smart though. He grabbed his phone and pulled up the group text messaging he had with JC, Joey, Lance, and Justin.

 

‘You fuckers finish this letter bullshit?'

 

Joey was the first to respond. ‘Weeks ago man.'

 

"Pin a rose on your fucking nose," Chris muttered. He was scrolling Facebook when another text came through. This time from Lance. He had finished his weeks ago as well. If the younger man had been standing in front of him, Chris would have given him the finger. It would have been a more satisfying feeling than giving it to the phone screen.

 

He was going through old e-mails, cleaning out his folders when a text from JC came. ‘Finished it the day Melinda told us about it.' "Of course you did, Fucker." It pretty much equated to when Melinda told them about the project - weeks ago. Justin's message had come through last. ‘You're still working on that shit man?'

 

"You're still working on that shit man?" Chris mocked and picked up the pen and pulled his notebook toward him again. Dear Chris, he began, try harder to join The Backstreet Boys. You don't want to end up with the fuckers you ended up with.

 

The paper hit the floor with the others. He pounded his forehead against the table, groaning. Why couldn't he do this? Why couldn't he write a simple letter to himself? Lifting his head, he sent off another text to his friends. ‘I had it finished weeks ago, but Melinda said no. I had to write more.'

 

‘What did you put?' Lance had responded.

 

‘Get a lawyer.' They were a few years into the group's success in America when they discovered they were getting screwed on their contract. He had gone to buy a house and found out he didn't have enough money. He had been shocked. The group had a lot of success. They had sold out shows, merchandise being sold left and right. Their CDs were flying off the shelves and he couldn't even buy a house. That was when JC had his lawyer uncle look over the contract they had signed and realized their manager at the time was stealing all their money. That led them to suing, signing with another record label, and being countersued. He didn't like to think about those years and how easily it could have been a disaster for them.

 

‘Fairly certain we all put that man.' JC had responded.

 

‘What did you guys put?' Chris was desperate. His mind completely blanked on what he'd write to his younger self. He didn't know. Did he even want to tell his younger self to change anything? Everything he'd been through led him to who he was today. He didn't know if he wanted to change.

 

‘Sleep with more girls.' Chris rolled his eyes at Joey's response.

 

‘Your dick would have fallen off if you had slept with anymore.' Justin texted.

 

‘I bet you put ‘do not expose Janet Jackson's boob on national TV'.'

 

Chris snorted at Joey's comeback. ‘Nah man, he needed that to launch him into a superstar.'

 

‘Fuck you.'

 

JC sent a text about saying no to half the outfits they wore on red carpet events. Lance had responded with sending a huge gift basket to Jason, the original 5th member of *NSYNC. Chris chuckled thinking how it all would have been different if Jason had decided to stay and they never met Lance.

 

‘JC outta send a gift basket to Jason too.' Chris messaged. JC had dated Lance's sister Rachel and during their announced hiatus they had gotten married. They currently lived in California with their million kids. At last count they had four, with one more on the way.

 

‘What makes you think I haven't already?'

 

That got him thinking. He was the last member standing. Joey had married his girlfriend Kelly after the group ended. He had two kids. One of which was almost ready to graduate high school. Justin had married Jessica a few years ago and had a son. He was certain they would be announcing another pregnancy soon. Lance had married Michael and a surrogate was currently carrying their twin babies, due in a couple months. When JC had announced Rachel's pregnancy last month, he had told them all to stop procreating. He even went as far as sending ‘if it fits, it ships' box from the post office stuffed full of condoms to JC. If they kept having kids, he was gonna have to take a second job so he could afford birthday and Christmas presents.

 

In April, the group had been honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It had been crazy to think, after not putting out new music in over fifteen years, they still had diehard fans who would nominate them. So many fans showed up, it was one of the most attended. After the ceremony, they all gathered for pictures with the star. It had been a million pictures of just the group and the star, then everyone paraded their families up to get a picture. He smiled through them all. When it came time for his family, he had his parents. There had been no wife to hug to his side. No teenager to roll his eyes at the lameness. No tough little man making faces at the photographers making everyone laugh. No little girl to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss his cheek. Not even a baby to hold in his arms.

 

Putting his phone back on the table, he picked up the pen and started to write.

 

Dear Chris,

 

Marry her.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Melissa Green locked the door to Gorgeous You behind her. The Florida heat slammed in to her making it hard for her to breath. The sun was fading on the horizon on the late July night. She wasn't sure why she lived somewhere where the air made it hard to breath. There were many times she contemplated moving north, but then she'd have to deal with living in a place where the air hurt her face. She wasn't sure what was worse. So she just sucked it up and continued living in the Florida heat.

 

Traffic in Orlando was terrible, as it always was during the summer - peak tourist season. There was a reason she chose to close her shop at 7. She missed the traffic leaving all the Disney parks. When the gates closed at ten at Magic Kingdom, you could walk faster through town than you could drive. She choose to be tucked into bed by that hour. Having the business in Orlando was good for her. She knew she shouldn't complain. Tourists in town meant people darkening her door. People darkening her door meant sales and that meant money in her bank account. Money that would then be used to feed and clothe two growing boys.

 

Kaleb and Cameron were growing so fast it was hard to keep up. It seemed like every week she was hitting up the mall for a brand new wardrobe. From tops and bottoms to shoes and everything in between. Shoes were ridiculous. At eight and seven, their feet were huge. They grew out of their shoes well before they even wore them out. The parishioners at the church she tried to attend every Sunday loved seeing her coming with a box full of clothes and shoes her boys had outgrown.

 

Gorgeous You was a boutique she had dreamed about opening for the longest time. She studied business in college, graduating seventeen years ago. After obtaining her business degree she worked at every clothing business she could from Wal-Mart to Dillards to Carters to local boutiques. She sucked up as much knowledge about running a business as she could. Then she met Val McCoy. They had worked at the same boutique in town and had become fast friends. The very best of friends. They dreamed up the concept of Gorgeous You together and five years ago, they were able to bring their dream to fruition. Val designed a lot the clothing they sold. She had a keen eye and a knack at knowing what would sell.

 

Melissa tapped the button on the back of her steering wheel, changing the station on the radio. She scrolled through her presets before landing on a Michael Jackson song that was playing on the 80s on 8 channel. It was a mistake. The song brought back memories that she didn't want to relive. Michael Jackson was one of her favorite singers. He was also one of Chris's favorites. There were plenty of nights where they would put the albums on Chris's record player and sit back and just listen. Those were some of her best nights.

 

It had been one of the most randomness of meetings nearly fifteen years ago. She had gone to a bar with a group of friends on a Friday night and Chris had been there. It didn't take much alcohol to loosen her up. By the time she had seen Chris, she was feeling good. She hadn't been nervous or on edge meeting a celebrity thanks to the drinks her friends had been plying her with. She grabbed him in a hug and proclaimed she loved him, much to the delight of her friends. Chris had been a good sport. The friends he had been with had mingled with hers and they closed the bar down that night. A couple days later he had walked in to Dillards seeking her out. She nearly died on the spot.

 

They lasted nearly five years. She thought they would last forever. Melissa saw them getting married and having kids. Chris saw them having a good time for as long as it lasted. She was ready for more. He wasn't. She left and he didn't try to stop her. A few weeks after that she met Val. Val pulled her out of the depression she had fallen in. It was the same time they started discussing plans for opening their own business. Gorgeous You had been a saving grace. It had given her something to look forward to, to build towards. Val eventually introduced her to a friend of hers, Trevor. They had fallen in love and married. Soon they had welcomed Kaleb and Cameron less than a year. Cameron had been a desperate attempt to save their marriage. It hadn't worked.

 

With the failed marriage Melissa worked that much harder to bring Gorgeous You to life. She had two young boys to support. Her boys, and eventually her business, became her everything. There were moments where she wished Chris was still in her life. Trevor never carved himself a spot deep in her heart as Chris had. Maybe that was the reason they didn't last. Melissa loved him, but not like she loved Chris. Sometimes she wondered if she should have just given in and stayed with Chris instead of pushing toward marriage and kids. At least she would have still had him. However, she wouldn't have had her boys and she couldn't imagine her life without them no matter how many nights Chris showed up in her dreams.

 

She hadn't seen Chris since the break up. Even living in the same town, they managed to avoid each other. As a mother, she didn't go to bars as she once did. She preferred to have a glass of wine at home now, listening to records on a record player she had found while out thrift shopping. There were some nights she and Val shared a bottle of wine in the back room of the boutique as they did inventory or rearranged the layout.

 

Being an adopted son of Orlando, there was always write ups in the paper about what he was doing. She saw the one about the Walk of Fame star and she saw write ups when he was hosting charity events in town. Last week there was a write up in the Sentinel about how he was hosting a back to school charity event on Saturday, hoping to receive school supplies that could be donated to those in need. It had warmed her heart. During the month of August, she held a school supply drive. Customers could bring in an item for donation and receive a discount on their final sale. It was always a huge success and she ended up delivering lots of school supplies.

 

Reaching her front door she brushed aside the sad thoughts and put a smile on her face. Chris was the past. Her future was inside.

 

"What?" Chris asked as he got out of the car seeing Melinda standing in front of him. She was giving him a look that he remembered being on the receiving end a lot during the *NSYNC days.

 

"In everyone's letters, there was a lot of the same. Don't wear that. Say yes to that song. Pass that song."

 

"Instead of doing individual letters, maybe it should have been a collective one from all of us," Chris said as he started walking through the parking lot. Melinda fell instep beside him. "We were a group, you know."

 

"I know," Melinda clenched her jaw, hearing the tone in Chris's voice. It was going to be one of those nights. "Your letter was a lot different than the others though."

 

"Hey, I tried sending you a letter. You rejected it. You got what you got." Chris snapped. "Maybe you should write a letter to yourself and tell yourself to accept my first one."

 

"Right," Melinda rolled her eyes. "Hire a lawyer. Don't agree to a hiatus. Oh and my favorite, ‘Your career depends on the decision of a baby.'"

 

Chris had to admit that last one probably wasn't the best. It was one of the thoughts that he should have kept to himself and not put to paper. He definitely shouldn't have sent it to Melinda; the woman who helped manage Justin's solo career. The newest letter he had sent had very little to do career wise. He was sure the rest of the guys had covered everything he would have put anyway. Instead he concentrated on his personal life. He was pretty sure none of the other guys had any regrets in their personal lives. Maybe Lance, but he was doubtful for anyone else. He had enough personal regrets to fill the Grand Canyon.

 

"Another difference with your letter is the fact that you can amend those regrets now," Melinda told him. "Justin will never be able to change the fact that he didn't do a tour with Michael Jackson. Lance can't go back and tell you guys he was gay. JC can't change the direction he took with his solo career. Joey can not get that job back that he declined. But you, you can take action today and fix what you regret. Don't let another ten years pass you by and you find yourself writing another letter filled with the same regrets."

 

Melinda's words stayed in his head the whole night. He was able to shove it aside during his hosting duties. Up on stage he hammed it up; told jokes, told stories. Poked fun at each of the guys knowing they couldn't defend themselves. He joined the scheduled band for a few songs. When he was on stage, nothing else mattered. He was zoned to what he needed to do. Off stage was a little different. Melinda's words were right there. They were in his head when he talked to fans, when he took another selfie, when he signed old *NSYNC photos.

 

Letting Melissa go had been the dumbest thing he had ever done. At forty-six, the list of dumb things he'd done was long and distinguished. Right at the top though, was Melissa. Written in bold capital letters and underlined a dozen times. She was the one who got away because he was too stupid to keep a hold on her.

 

Melissa had been the shining light in his life. It had been a stroke of luck that he found her; that she found him. It had been the first time he'd been in the bar where they met. They were supposed to go somewhere else, but at the last minute decided to check out a new place. She had been just as crazy as he. They had each other laughing all night. Like an idiot, he didn't get her number, but had remembered her telling him where she worked. There were six Dillard's in the Orlando area. She had been at the last one he checked.

 

He felt like a creeper staring at her through the clothing racks in the women's section. He had certainly garnered many looks that had him pretending to browse the clothes in hopes they'd think he was a clueless man who was trying to pick out clothes for a wife. Grabbing a shirt from the rack, he approached her.

 

‘Excuse me miss,' he said making his voice higher, holding the blouse up in front of him. ‘Where's your fitting rooms? I'd like to try this on.'

 

‘I'll show you,' Melissa turned, a smile on her face. She gasped seeing Chris standing in front of her.  ‘Oh my God,' she stated, a hand covering her mouth. ‘What are you doing here?'

 

‘Shopping.' Chris shook the shirt in front of him. ‘You think it's me?'

 

‘You'd have to shave your back hair first,' Melissa laughed reaching out to turn the shirt around. He had been holding it up backward. The shirt had a plunging back.

 

‘Pity,' Chris said hanging the shirt back up on a random rack. ‘I like it so much better the first way.' He wiggled his eyes brows.

 

‘Perv.'

 

From there, they never looked back. They slid into a relationship like they had known each other for years. She went with him to events he still had scheduled with *NSYNC even though they were on hiatus. They had dinner with the guys until one by one they moved from Florida. They'd go to Pennsylvania to see his family and catch Steelers games. She moved in with him and their entire life was shared. After three years together people started asking if he was gonna ask her to marry him. He would always shrug off of their questions. He didn't want to think about marriage and babies and being tied down. He never wanted that for himself. At the time only JC and Joey were married with kids. Being on tour for as long as they did, he was used having to answer to no one. None of his girlfriends ever had such a hold on him.

 

When he and Melissa hit year four, the rumblings of marriage got louder. It was then when he realized that Melissa had wanted marriage and babies. They had found themselves wanting different things in life. They tried to make it work, but eventually the wheels fell off. One night she had asked him point blank if he saw himself marrying her and having a family. When he couldn't give an answer, she had her answer. She had moved out and was gone. A couple years later, he had seen her engagement photo in the paper. It hadn't been long after he had seen a baby announcement.

 

It made his heart hurt at the time thinking of some other guy giving her what he couldn't or wouldn't. There had been no one to blame but himself. If he could go back in time, he would change his answer. Marriage and kids hadn't been something he thought he hadn't wanted. Now he would give anything to have just that. To have what JC had. To have what Justin had. To have what Joey had. To have what Lance had... ‘Well maybe not quite what Lance has,' Chris thought with a smirk. The feeling would only get worse in the coming months when their group chat would be filled with photos of newborn babies. Before long Joey would be sending photos of a grandchild. Joey would be a grandpa before he would even get to discover what it felt like to be a father.

 

If he ever got to discover that feeling.

 

*~*~*~*

 

"What are you going to do?"

 

"Sit here, drink a glass of wine, watch Lord of the Rings." Melissa answer Val. The house was quiet. Kaleb and Cameron were spending the night with her parents. They had been begging for a sleepover all week and she finally relented. She was gonna meet up with them tomorrow and go to Universal. Val was taking care of the store giving her a much needed day off with her boys.

 

"So your typical Saturday night then?"

 

"You're such a bitch." Melissa laughed.

 

"Come on Mel," Val sighed. "You saw the letter. I know you did. I saw it posted by at least 10 people on my Facebook alone."

 

Melissa sighed. She did see the letter. Had been seeing the "Letter To Me" series Billboard had been doing for weeks. Every week a top musician's letter would be revealed on their website. This week had surprised everyone. On Monday, letters from all the members of *NSYNC had been released. Not a collective one, but individually. She read Joey's first, laughing until there were tears in her eyes. He was such an idiot. She loved him. She missed him. JC's had come next. It had brought sadness and tears when he talked about his failed solo career, but her heart swelled when he told himself about the wife and kids he would have. Lance had brought more tears as he talked about hiding who he was. Justin's had brought more laughs. It took her until Wednesday to read Chris's letter.

 

The flood gates had opened. Carrie Underwood had certainly been right. You couldn't cry pretty.

 

"It doesn't matter Val. It was ten years ago. I've moved on. I have Kaleb and Cameron now. I have the shop. It's all I need."

 

"None of those keep your bed warm at night."

 

"Big Ben does."

 

"Your dog can't provide everything you need in bed Mel."

 

"That's what Bob is for."

 

"The man practically wrote you a letter asking for you back."

 

"That might mean something if ten years haven't passed." Melissa told her friend. "Why should I crawl back to him after so much time? I would have leapt into his arms if he had written that letter right after we broken up. I would have given him six months to write that. If he had said those words in that time span, I would have gone back to him immediately. But he didn't. I've moved on Val. I married Trevor. I had Kaleb and Cameron. Chris used to be life. Now he is just someone that I used to know."

 

"Bullshit." Val said simply. "Bull-fucking-shit. You can't feed me that line of shit and expect me to believe it."

 

"Val..."

 

"No. Just fucking no. You know damn well Trevor was never going to work out. Why? Because you were in love with Chris. Trevor never stood a chance. Chris finally pulled his head out of his ass and realized what he lost. You have a chance to be with him. You have a chance to have everything you've ever wanted and you're not gonna take it because of how many months you've torn out of a calendar?"

 

"Months? Val, it's been years! I've tossed ten years worth of calendars away!"

 

"You're my best friend Mel. I love you. You know I do. I want to see you happy."

 

"What makes you think I'm not happy?"

 

"Because you're my best friend," Val said softly.

 

"I hate you."

 

"No you don't. You know you love me."

 

"Yeah," Melissa sighed.

 

"So... you'll contact Chris?"

 

"I'll think about it."

A week later and Melissa had yet to make a decision. She had been doing everything other than thinking about the letter. There wasn't a spec of dust to be found in her house. She even cleaned the walls and found the floors in both of her sons' rooms. The floor in their closets hadn't been seen in years. She went through her clothes and decluttered items she hadn't worn, didn't like, and didn't fit. She worked in the yard, digging up flower beds, planting new flowers, laying mulch. She even started staining the fence that encased her back yard.

 

Val, thank God, had kept quiet. There had been many looks sent her way, especially when she saw the paint chips laying on the counter. It was easier to ignore looks than it was to ignore words. Her home was bound to have a complete makeover before she would decide what to do. Part of her wanted to call Chris immediately; tell him she loved him. The other part called her the world's biggest idiot and told her to forget the piece of shit. She even started writing a Dear Abby letter before ripping it out of her notebook and tossing it in the trash.

 

It was when she laid in bed at night that it really hit her. Her brain wouldn't quiet and let her go to sleep. Instead it decided to play home movies of every moment with Chris. Then she'd end up crying in to her pillow thinking about the memories; how much she loved him and how much he hurt her. In the mornings if felt like she was hung over. Her head was in a fog. She needed the full pot of coffee to get her going. She'd been late opening the store twice this week.

 

Melissa even tried to make a pro and con list. There were many more pros than cons but the cons held three of the most crucial points. Didn't want to marry. Didn't want kids. Broke her heart. The pros column ran all the way down the page. She hadn't been hard pressed to list what she loved about Chris. ‘Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways,' her brain had chanted as she cranked out bullet point after bullet point. His laugh... how he made her laugh... his smile...

 

There wasn't an issue with her loving him. The issue was with him loving her. Could she trust that he had changed? Could she reconcile their relationship? It wasn't just her anymore. It was Kaleb and Cameron. What would happen to them if she and Chris didn't work out again? They would be heartbroken. Could she put them through that? What if it did work out? Could she deny herself the love of the man who held her heart? Could she deny her boys having an incredible father? Ultimately she needed to decide if she could put her heart out there again. Chris had damaged it the first time around. This time she was less sure stepping in to a relationship with him.

 

If she had that answer, she could put all this behind. With that answer she could either go to Chris and they could move forward or she could ignore him and keep him in her past. It would be a regret Chris would have to live with for the rest of his life. Eventually she'd be just a wisp of a memory. She'd be the one who got away. For her she had her kids, Kaleb and Cameron. She had her dog, Big Ben. She had her best friend Val and good group of friends. She had her business. He would always be the one who didn't want to stay.

 

*~*~*~*

 

The days went by at a crawl. Chris wasn't sure why he had hoped the letter would do anything. It had been a stupid idea. It had been stupid thinking Melissa would come back to him after all these years. Like she would just magically reach out to him after reading a letter - if she even read the letter at all. If she hadn't, she was probably the only person in the world who didn't. He had fielded calls and messages since it came out. People wanted a follow up. They wanted a more in depth story. He had told Melinda a resounding no. Not only no, but a hell no. He had already opened his heart up once just writing the letter. It wasn't going to happen again.

 

He damned the "Letter To Me" series. It was enjoying to read the regrets other superstars in the music industry had. He probably would have enjoyed it more if he hadn't been part of it. He felt like a total tool using it as a chance to get a girl. It felt like he totally cheapened the whole thing. Many times this week he wished he had put his heart in a box, locked the door and just relied on his humor and sarcasm to get through the letter. Everyone would have expected that from him. No one expected a bleeding heart. The text messages from the group had proven that to be true.

 

He felt like an idiot reading the letters the guys had done. His didn't stack up. Lance's had caused a lot of introspection for him. He had wished Lance had felt comfortable enough coming out to them during the group. None of them would have cared. They would have been supportive if he wanted to publically come out or if he wanted to keep it a secret. To live all those years hiding who he was... Chris hated that he had to do that. That was something he should have told his younger self. Dear Chris, don't be so quick with a joke. Take care of your brothers and make sure they are truly okay. Don't let them hide.

 

JC's had come out masterfully written. He had expected no less. Though Chris did wonder if anyone caught the backhanded compliments he threw at Jive and WEG. He hadn't envied JC one bit when he was trying to release a solo project. While he supported both Justin and JC, he could see JC was getting hosed from the sidelines. They had been put in a tough position. They supported them both. To speak out in support of one meant being against the other. The gimmick JC had always gave him fodder for jokes, ones that he still used today, especially when he came across a GIF on the Internet. Dear Chris, tell JC to forget the pomp and circumstance surrounding him and just get in the studio and do what he does best - sing. That it's the only thing he needs.

 

Joey's letter had caused him to laugh. He had laughed for a good hour after he had read it. It had been so serious; the regrets he had with Kelly and Briahna. Regrets he had with his acting and Broadway. It had all been a joke. At the end of it, he told his younger self to forget everything he had written because his life had turned out pretty damn awesome.  Dear Chris, tell Joey watch out for the platform door while rehearsing for Celebrity in New Orleans.

 

Justin's letter had read exactly how he thought it would. He had stayed away from controversial topics such as Britney Spears and Janet Jackson. He spoke on his music and his creativity and who he wanted to make a record with. Who to soak up the music from because they didn't have as much time in the world has many people would have liked - Prince, Michael Jackson, David Bowie. Dear Chris, try to not let the stardom go to the infant's head. When it seems like he's getting too big for his britches, knock him back down to earth.

 

He was torn between physically reaching out to Melissa and just letting it go with the letter. If she hadn't contacted him by now, she probably wasn't going to. He wished she would, even if it was to tell him to fuck off. Then he'd know. Then he wouldn't spend weeks thinking that at any time Melissa could come waltzing back into his life. It was a stupid thing to do. He didn't expect her to leave her husband for him. By now it was around ten years for them. Aside from the first baby announcement, he was sure she had a handful of other kids she was chasing around. He was sure she was the greatest mother in the world.

 

When he started imagine Melissa's kids looking like him, Chris knew he had completely lost it. That ship had sailed. Melissa was happily married, with a bunch of kids. She didn't regret him. She had moved on with her life and found what she wanted. He was the one filled with regrets. Those weren't on her. Those were squarely on his shoulders.

 

Before he could stop himself, he opened his phone and typed her name in to the search bar wondering what would come up. At the top of the page was an article from the Orlando Sentinel ‘Local Woman Opens up New Boutique on East Michigan'. He tapped the link with his thumb and waited for the article to load. Underneath the headline, was a picture of Melissa standing outside a store front window that said ‘Gorgeous You'. She was just as beautiful as he remembered.

 

He skimmed the article reading how she grew up in the area and how she worked many jobs in the clothing industry to gain the knowledge and experience. With that knowledge and experience, she finally decided to take a chance and open up her own store. Pride washed through him. In the middle of the page, another photograph caused him to pause. Melissa was standing behind the check out counter, but it was the two little boys sitting on the counter that drew him. Chris wasn't the greatest when it came to judging ages on kids. He never got the ages correct on JC's kids. They looked young though. One barely looked to be out of the baby stage. They still had the baby-ness of their faces.

 

He zoomed in on the picture, looking at the boys, seeing Melissa all over them. Their smiles, their eyes, the color of their hair. He fell in love with them immediately and felt a wave of sadness wash through him at what he had let slip through his fingers. Zooming back out until both boys and Melissa were in the photo, he stared longingly. That could have been his. That could have been his family. Instead someone else was raising what should have been his.

 

Reading through the article, he gobbled up the information Melissa gave about her children, Kaleb, 3, and Cameron, 2. However it was one line that stood out. ‘Being a single mother to two small boys, I am thankful I have a strong support system around me.' He stared at the phrase. Single mother. It repeated itself over and over in his head. Single mother. Single mother. Single mother. He was certain his heart was beating in sequence with the chant.

 

Melissa wasn't married. His heart wanted to jump out of his chest and sing from the top of the tallest building. Melissa wasn't married. He tried to beat his heart back down. Just because Melissa was no longer married, didn't mean she was available. She could have remarried. She could be in a long term relationship. The article was dated five years ago. A quick Facebook search told him that Melissa's store was still in business. He grinned. "Good for you woman." Pride washed though him. Orlando was tough on businesses. Most people came for Disney. They didn't venture out in to town to shop. Disney, hotels, and chain restaurants thrived. Everything else struggled and eventually went out of business. There she was though, five years later.

 

"Five years ago," he muttered and looked at the photograph of the boys again. They'd be eight and seven now. More than likely a handful. He wondered what they were like, if they were funny like their mother or if they had a more serious demeanor. Did they play in sports? What was their favorite animal to see at Animal Kingdom? What was their favorite ride at Magic Kingdom and were they excited for the new Star Wars Land that was schedule to open next year.

 

He could see them all spending the day at the park when Star Wars opened, flying in the Millennium Falcon, riding the Galaxy's Edge so many times they wouldn't be able to walk straight. They would get pictures with Storm Troopers, Darth Vadar, Luke, and Leia. They would hit up the gift shop buying the latest merchandise. He would probably end up buying a huge Lego set with a 1,000 pieces. They'd go back home and spend hours at the dining room table putting it together. There would be many battles had with their new lightsabers.

 

Chris could picture it all and he desperately wanted it all. Writing the letter had been great and all, but it wasn't enough. He needed to do something more to show Melissa that she was his biggest regret and he was ready to be her husband. He was ready to become a father to her kids and all the other kids they may have.

 

‘I'm taking the plunge.' He texted to the group.

 

‘If you're on your way to get married and you didn't invite us, I'm gonna kick your ass.' Joey immediately replied. ‘It's bad enough Justin didn't want us at his wedding.'

 

‘Fuck you.' Justin responded. ‘Are you gonna find Melissa?'

 

Chris blinked at Justin's question. He had never mentioned in the letter who he was talking about. He never even told the guys her name when they messaged him about it.

 

‘Like we didn't know who it was about.' Justin sent. He also sent a GIF of himself staring in to the camera as it zoomed closer to him. It had been captured from a segment he did on Jimmy Fallon's show. He was fairly certain the look on Justin's face had been because of a joke about Lance.

 

‘Good luck man.' Lance sent. ‘If it works out, I know a good wedding singer.'

 

This time it was JC's turn to send the ‘fuck you'. Chris snickered at the response. When Lance married Michael, Lance had asked JC to perform their first song. He had did a beautiful rendition of ‘Why Do Fools Fall In Love'. Afterward, they had given him shit for being a wedding singer. ‘Let us know if there is anything we can do.' JC told him.

 

‘If it doesn't work, you all fly in so we can serenade her.'

 

‘Lance doesn't remember the words.'

 

‘Fuck you.' Armed with Lance's response, Chris grabbed his keys and sunglasses and left his house.

It didn't take long to find Gorgeous You.  Chris pulled in to a spot in the parking lot that sat at the end of the block. He didn't immediately get out; just sat in the car with the radio on and the air conditioner blowing. Not a lot of things made him nervous. This made him nervous. There was a lot riding on what would happen over the course of the next... hell he didn't know. It could take him longer to walk down the sidewalk to the boutique then he would spend in Melissa's presence. She could very well toss him out on his ear the moment he darkened her doorway.

 

Maybe that's what was stopping him from getting out of his vehicle and going to see her. Sitting in his car, he was like Schrodinger's cat. He was both dead and alive right now. Until he actually saw Melissa, he could still hold out hope for their relationship. Once he saw her and she gave a negative reaction, it was over. The mistakes he made in the past were too much to overcome. There would be no coming back. No happy ending. He would have to live with the regret forever.

 

Chris almost wished it was high school again. Then he could send one of his friends to see how receptive Melissa would be of him. If one of the guys still lived in Orlando, he could send one of them into the shop. Hell he would even send Rachel if he knew it would get him the information he wanted. Anything that would help him so he wasn't flying blind. Anything that would let him know if he was about to get his heart broken.

 

Dear Chris, grow some balls.

 

He bet his younger self would have loved to read that line. He could imagine his younger self snorting and grabbing his crotch giving it a wiggle as if to say, ‘I got some right here'.  To be young and dumb again. Where his dick made all the decisions and his heart stayed out of things. It had been simpler then. The heart certainly had a tendency to make a mess of things. Of course maybe if his heart had been louder ten years ago and drowned out his brain, he wouldn't be in the mess in the first place.

 

The Florida heat hit him in the face when Chris climbed from the car. He locked the doors using the key fob before pocketing the keys. The sidewalk was clear and for that he was thankful. He wasn't in the mood chit chat with anyone who might recognize him. With one foot in front of the other, it wasn't long before he was standing outside Gorgeous You. The store had windows spanning from top to bottom. He couldn't linger without being seen. The last thing he needed was the cops called on him. Taking a deep breath he opened the door.

 

"I'll be out in a minute," Melissa called when she heard the bell chime on the door, signaling she had a customer. She was in the back room moving boxes around from the new inventory that just arrived that morning. After Labor Day, they tried to put out more winter stuff for tourists to take back home with them. The majority of the store was still summer items for most of the year since it was Florida. She loved giving the customers options. She always hated walking in to a store in September looking for a new pair of sandals or shorts and be met with snow boots and pants. It was Florida. She and Val didn't want to totally take away the summer gear, but they added an extra rack or two of items their customers could wear in the fall.

 

One of these years, she would make it back north for fall. She missed being in a place where she could enjoy wearing sweaters paired with leggings and boots. Doing that in Florida made her feel ridiculous. She wanted to drink that hot coffee in front of a fire place while the cold wind blew outside the window. She wanted to see the leaves changing colors. She hadn't been north since her last trip with Chris. It had been one of their things. Traveling to Pittsburgh to visit family, catch a Steelers game, and immerse themselves with fall.

 

Sliding the last box where she wanted it, she wiped a hand across her forehead. She would have to wait to open the boxes until the customer left. It was exciting when merchandise arrived. She knew how it looked on paper, but it always looked so much better when she could physically hold an article in her hand. Then she could imagine what she'd dress up one of the mannequins with and how she'd change the window display. Brushing her hands, she turned away from the room and walked down the short hallway, past the lone family bathroom and the two dressing rooms.

 

Melissa spotted the customer immediately. He was browsing through one of the racks of tourist trinkets that no good Orlando store was without. "I'm sorry about that. Was there anything I can help you find?"

 

"You think this is me?"

 

Melissa was frozen in spot as the customer turned away from display and faced her. For the first time in since she walked out of his house, she was standing face to face with Chris. Time stood still. She was certain her mouth was open, but she couldn't get her brain to work. The connections between her brain and muscles had shorted out.

 

"I don't even have to shave my back hair in this," Chris said looking down at the blouse he held up in front of him. "Might need a good push up bra though." He raised his head back up to look at Melissa, who was still frozen in front of him. He knew he'd catch her off guard. He didn't expect to render her speechless.

 

"I..." Melissa start, trying to get her brain to work correctly again. "I don't...what are you doing here?"

 

"Shopping," Chris said, trying to keep the conversation light. He didn't want to go deep too quickly. That might not work out for him. On the other hand, maybe he should just jump in with both feet.

 

Dear Chris, seriously. Grow a fucking pair.

 

"Shopping," Melissa replied, dumbly.

 

"Yup. I got this shirt and I thought about this hat." Melissa watched him place a hat she hadn't even known he'd been holding on his head. It was a straw fedora with a black band. "And these sunglasses." He placed the oversized flat top frame sunglasses. He looked downright ridiculous. She wanted to giggle and had to stop herself. They weren't in that place anymore. If they were, she would have grabbed one of the scarves from of the mannequins and wrapped it around his neck to complete the look. That wasn't them. Not anymore.

 

"What are you doing here Chris?"

 

"Failing apparently," Chris sighed and took the items off his person and put them on the table holding folded shirts.

 

"I don't know what you mean?" She picked up his discarded items and started putting them back where they belonged. It gave her something to do. It also allowed her to get away from Chris. He always had some sort of pull over her body. From the moment they first meet, she just gravitated to him. That apparently was still the case.

 

"I came here to talk to you. I needed to say some things." Chris watched as she started folding shirts that didn't need to be folded. He wanted to go over to her and take her hands; make her stop fidgeting and pay attention to him. Once again he reminded himself that he didn't have the right.

 

"After ten years, I'm not sure what we have to say to each other."

 

"You might not have anything to say to me..."

 

"Oh I have plenty to say to you," Melissa interrupted him.

 

"I probably deserve every last word. If you want, I will stand here and let you say every single one of them. I won't even interrupt. Not once. I won't even dispute any of your claims. You can even insult my manhood, my Steelers and my dog. I draw the line at my momma. You can't insult her."

 

Melissa lips twitched and it took all the strength she had not to let a smile appear on her face. "I loved your mom. Probably more than I loved you. I would have gladly taken her in the break up."

 

"Trust me, she would have taken you over me." Chris's mom had been angry when Chris informed his family that he and Melissa were no longer seeing each other. "After we broke up, she wouldn't talk to me for a month. Even now there's still a look in her eye that tells me I am the biggest dumbass in the world. I know she means it lovingly... Least I think so anyway."

 

Chris fell silent as he stared at Melissa. He didn't know what to say. Well he knew what he wanted to say, he just didn't know how to say it. Conversation had never been a problem between the two of them. Now, there was so much on the line. The rest of his future was riding on this one moment. If he put his heart out there, would she accept it? Would she take him back? If he put his heart out there, would she rip it in half, toss it to the floor and stomp on it?

 

Dear Chris, be a man.

 

"So I, uhm," he rubbed the back of his head. "I did this thing for Billboard... we all did... the group... Joey, Lance, JC, and Justin... we had to write these letters to our younger selves."

 

"I know."

 

Those two words took the wind out of Chris's sails. She knew he had written a letter. She didn't care that he poured out his heart, pleading with his younger self to not mess it up, to not lose her. "Oh." He tucked his hands in the pocket of his jeans and looked at the floor. Fuck. Broken hearts really did hurt.

 

"Why did you come here?" Melissa asked the question again. She clenched her hands into fists in order to stop herself from reaching out. She wasn't ready to forgive him. Just like she had told Val, Chris words came ten years too late. Behind him, she saw the yellow legal pad sitting on the counter next the register. She knew what was on that page. She spent the morning making out her pros and cons before the truck had arrived with the new inventory.

 

"I came here to apologize for how I hurt you at the end of our relationship and when we broke up. I wish I could say I was young and dumb, but I was old enough to know better," Chris told her truthfully. "I struggled writing that letter. I must have tore through an entire notebook trying to write that letter to myself. Nothing seemed right. I could have written what everyone expected about getting a lawyer, not letting myself get too down for not making it in the Backstreet Boys that something much better would come along. I could have talked about clothing choices and hair choices, even facial hair. There were a million things I could have written about in regards to my professional life. But when I thought of you... none of that other stuff mattered. If was you. You were that biggest regret I had, that if I could only tell myself one thing in the past, it would be to not let you go. I could take all the other regrets I had; could live with them. The only regret I couldn't live with was you."

 

"Took you ten years to figure out you couldn't live without me?" Melissa huffed and spun on her heel. She reached out, straightening a rack, moving the hangers around until they were back in order by size. "That makes me feel real loved."

 

Chris sighed and rubbed his face. "I know I don't look good. Nothing about this situation makes me look good. No matter how it's spun, I always come out looking like something a cat puked up. I know that. Everything about our break up was completely, 100 percent, without a doubt, my fault. I own that. I will never refute it. It's my fault. I made the mistake of thinking I didn't want a wife and kids. I made the mistake of thinking you'd always be there. I made the mistake of not realizing I held everything in my hand that day. I could have said the words and made you stay. But I didn't and you didn't. The only mistake you made was love me."

 

"Damnit Chris," Melissa said, when she felt the tears fill her eyes.

 

"I know." Chris didn't want her to cry. He didn't want to bring her any more pain that he already had. He wasn't sure if he should keep digging or to throw in the towel and walk away. While she hadn't thrown him out, she hadn't been very receptive of him. She didn't look like the woman who was just going to open her arms and accept him back.

 

Chris looked around the store while he tried to quickly decide if he was gonna go all in or cut and run. He was proud of Melissa and what she accomplished with the store. When his sister's came to visit over the holidays, he was gonna tell them about the store. He was sure they'd like it. A notepad on the counter behind him caught his attention. He could see his name scribbled on it. He peeked at Melissa, seeing her not looking at him. With a slight step he reached out and turned the note pad around so he could read.

 

Taking a pen out of the vase, he quickly scribbled a bullet point. Laying the pen down on the pad, he turned away from the counter and started for the door. "I think I should go. I just wanted to tell you how I feel. You have a really nice place here. I'm proud of you." With one final look toward Melissa, he left the store.

 

Melissa wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. Her heart ached and she wanted to run out the door and chase Chris down. She wanted to call out his name, making him stop and turn around. Then she wanted to run down the sidewalk and jump into his arms. She wanted to hug her arms around his neck. She wanted to feel his arms wrapped tightly around him. She wanted to bury her face in his neck and find out if he still smelled the same. She wanted to thread her fingers through his hair, cupping the back of his head and drag his lips to hers. She wanted to see if there would still be a jolt when his lips touched hers. She wanted it all.

 

But she didn't do it. She didn't go toward the door. Instead she turned around and walked toward the back of the store, intending to finish the inventory job. When she got to the counter she saw the legal pad had been moved. With trepidation she took a step forward and slowly moved the pen off the pad so she could look. There at the bottom of the page in the pro column was Chris's messy scroll.

 

Chris loves you and will always love you until the very last breath leaves his body.

"Idiot."

 

"I know."

 

"I swear Mel, you are fucking stupid."

 

"I know."

 

"If there was a ‘World's Biggest Idiot' category for the Guinness Book of World Records, you'd win it. Your picture would be right there in between the freaky girl with the long ass fingernails and the dude with the long ass tongue... I mean what the fuck Mel? How could you let him walk away afterward?

 

"I'm an idiot. I'm stupid." Melissa mumbled into the couch pillow. She lay face down on her couch berating herself over not chasing after Chris. Val had stopped in to visit and coaxed her in to telling her what was wrong. Then she proceeded to berate her.

 

"What else do you want him to do? Cut open a vein and bleed in front of you?" Val asked incredulously. "Seriously Mel...what. The. Fuck."

 

"I know!" Melissa pushed up off the couch into a sitting position. She tucked her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them before lowering her head. "I'm such an idiot. I beat myself up all day because I didn't run after him."

 

"Why the hell didn't you?"

 

"I don't know," Melissa said feeling more tears fill her eyes. She'd been doing plenty of that since Chris left as well. The boys kept asking why she was sad. She didn't know what to tell them. "He was standing right there in front of me... God, he looked good. Better than good. He looked so good. And he smelled... he smelled..."

 

"Good?" Val smirked.

 

"Like fucking Heaven. He smelled like Heaven. If Heaven had a smell it would smell like Chris." Melissa said. "I could smell him in the shop all day after he left. I'd catch a whiff and I'd look around hoping he would be there. Because I was an idiot and let him walk away."

 

"It's still not too late," Val said quietly.

 

"Maybe it is. Maybe there was a reason I let him go."

 

"Yeah," Val rolled her eyes. "We discussed this heavily. You're an idiot."

 

"Maybe subconsciously I knew getting back together with him would be a bad idea."

 

"No no no," Val sat down next to Melissa. "Getting back together with Chris is not a bad idea. You're just scared. You've been thinking this to death the moment you read his letter. You've thought about it so much that you've probably changed your mind a million times." She knew her friend well. "There are only so many petals on a flower Mel. He loves you, he loves you not. Get back with him, don't get back with him. What do you want to do?"

 

"Get back with him but -"

 

"No," Val interrupted. "No buts. You want to get back with Chris. That's what you want. Tell your brain to take a hike and let your heart take over."

 

"My brain isn't too trusting of my heart. Prior bad acts and all."

 

"There's a reason prior bad acts aren't admissible. Now come on, get up," Val stood up and started pulling Melissa.

 

"What? Why?" Melissa let her friend pull her from the couch.

 

"You are going to march your butt over to Chris's," Val stated, pulling her friend toward the stairs. "You're gonna tell him that you were an idiot earlier. That you were overthinking... He'll probably understand completely. You overthinking just didn't happen over night."

 

"No Val," Melissa dug her feet in. "I'm not going over to Chris's. Absolutely not. Val," she sighed when Val moved behind her and started pushing.

 

"I'm not taking no for an answer," Val said. "You better walk up those stairs before I forcibly push you up them."

 

"You're such a bitch," Melissa said as she climbed the stairs under her own volition.

 

"I know. You can thank me by making me your maid of honor," Val grinned as she herded Melissa into the bedroom. "You can really thank me by introducing me to Joey."

 

"The world does not need the two of you together," Melissa said with a laugh thinking of her best friend meeting Joey. She figured within moments of meeting each other, they'd be conspiring to take over the world or at least drive her nuts.

 

"The world doesn't need a lot of things and yet..." Val continued pushing Melissa in her room until she was in the master bathroom. "Now. Get in there and shower. Shave too. I'll pick out something for you to wear. I'll even do your hair and make up." She left Melissa in the bathroom and went back to the bedroom and started rooting through her friend's clothes. "I will take you over to Chris's myself just how you are," she called when she didn't hear the shower kick on. "Either shower and get ready or face Chris after you had a full on ugly cry. Your choice." She grinned when she heard the shower kick on.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Melissa sat in her car outside Chris's place. She couldn't bring herself to pull up to the gate and ring the button. Her stomach was in knots and she was fairly certain the smallest thing would make her puke. There was no way she could do this. No way could she pull in to his driveway, pull up the gate, and ring the button. No way would she be able to speak when he answered the call. God, she was such a failure.

 

Everything she had every wanted was right beyond that gate, twenty feet in front of her. All she had to do was push the button. Chris would open the gate and she would begin a new part of her life. A life that included the men who held her heart: Chris, Kaleb, and Cameron. 

 

She could already imagine Chris with her boys. It warmed her heart. She knew he would be a great father. She also knew he would drive her crazy. She would come home after closing up the shop, walk through the door and be in the middle of an all out nerf war. Kaleb would be walking across the couch and jumping over the back. She wouldn't be able to yell because a few moments later Chris would be doing the same thing.

 

In her head, she saw trips to watch the Steelers play. She saw Chris volunteering to coach the boys' basketball team, where he'd tell the team about all the times he schooled Justin Timberlake in hoops. She could seem him on the sideline during their football games cheering louder than everyone in the stands combined. She could also see a brand new baby bundled in a soft pink blanket, cradled in his arms. Her heart ached at the image. She wanted. More than she ever wanted anything else.

 

‘Ring that damn bell, right fucking now!'

 

Melissa grabbed her cell phone when the chirp startled her. The image of Chris holding a newborn baby faded away. Reading the message from Val caused her to look around, certain she would see Val in her car, with both Kaleb and Cameron in the backseat.

 

‘Are you spying on me?'

 

‘Puh-lease. I don't need to follow you to know you are wallowing outside his house.' ‘If you don't do it, I will. I will load up the boys, go over there and ring his bell myself.'

 

Val would too, Melissa knew. She would drive over here, pull in the drive, ring the bell, and when Chris would answer... Melissa could only imagine what Val would tell him. If that happened, she'd pull away from the curb where she was parked and drive away, not making eye contact with anyone. Where she would go, she wasn't sure. What she did know is wherever she ended up would be her final resting place because she would be too mortified to continue living.

 

"You got this," Melissa told herself and put the car in to drive and let it inch forward. She took a deep breath and turned into the driveway and pulled up to the intercom. She rolled her window down and reached out. Hesitating for a moment, she finally pushed the button and waited.

 

*~*~*~*

 

Chris sat on his couch with a bottle of beer in his hand. The beer had long since gone warm, but he couldn't find the motivation to get up and dump it out or to even grab a fresh one from his fridge. Since leaving Melissa's shop, he hadn't found the motivation to do much of anything. He just sat on the couch, staring at the blank TV screen. He had really thought he would have been able to win Melissa back. He hadn't expected to fail. Between the letter he had written and the words he spoke today, he was sure Melissa would have forgiven him.

 

That hadn't been the case. Instead he had made her cry. It hadn't been the first time he had done as much, but he had hoped him being responsible for her tears of pain was a thing of the past. The walk back to his car had been the loneliest he'd ever taken. There'd been no more wondering on his part if he would have a future with Melissa. There was no more wondering if she would forgive him and take him back. He had his answer. Schrodinger's cat had been dead after all.

 

His phone chirped but he made no move to grab it. When it chirped again, he remained unmoving. Whoever was texting him, he didn't care. It didn't matter. It wouldn't be Melissa and that was the only person he wanted to talk to. He started when he felt movement on his knee. Lennon had placed his head on his knee, his eyes staring up at him. Chris lifted his hand and scratched his dog's head. "You would have like her," he told his dog. "Maybe I should have taken you with me. You could have turned those big sad eyes on her. She would have melted to the floor." He sighed "Just another regret."

 

His phone chirped again and this time he picked it up. The guys had begun texting to see what had happened.

 

‘Well???' Lance had sent. ‘You going to leave us hanging? How'd it go with Melissa?'

 

‘If it went good, we won't hear from him until tomorrow.' JC had chimed in.

 

‘We should leave him alone so they can keep out it. He's losing viable baby making time.' Joey said. ‘His age, his swimmers will probably die before they even make it halfway.'  

 

‘At this point, they probably don't even know what to do.'

 

‘I wish yours didn't know what to do.' Joey told JC. ‘Can you stay off your wife? Fuck dude.'

 

‘Have you seen my wife?'

 

‘Guys. Sister, remember?' Lance said. ‘When Chris and Melissa settle down, we should get together. Get their asses out here.'

 

‘Have it at C's house so he doesn't have rent a bus just to get his family somewhere.'

 

‘Before long you're gonna be a grandpa.'

 

‘Fuck off.' Joey responded to JC's text. ‘Seriously. Fuck off. That is never happening. Why would you say something like that to me?'

 

‘Can you guys shut the fuck up?' Chris sent before he could even think.

 

‘Ruining your performance?'

 

‘I swung. I missed. Game over. I lost.' If it had been the 90s, he would have slammed the phone down finding great pleasure. But it wasn't. He was forced to angrily tap his fingers across the phone screen. His anger building as he misspelled words that caused him to erase and tap them out again. It wasn't their fault. They didn't know he hadn't won Melissa back. They aren't the ones who fucked up to begin with. They were all settled in with their other halfs and had kids running around. He was the one who had messed up. He was the one who was alone.

 

‘Fuck man. I'm sorry.'

 

‘I'm sorry, Man.'

 

‘Did you not grovel? You should have taken Timberlake, get him to turn on the pout face.'

 

‘My dog gets the same results'

 

‘Did you take him?'

 

‘No.'

 

‘Fuck man, I'm sorry.'

 

His phone chimed with an alert that signaled he had someone at the gate. If there was ever a day he wasn't in the mood for company it was today. He had half a notion not to answer, but curiosity got the best of him. What the hell; the cat was dead anyway. He pulled up the camera to spy on his gate to see who was there before making a decision to answer or ignore. He sucked in a breath.

 

Melissa.

 

Melissa was sitting at his gate. She was here!

 

Melissa's stomach was in her throat as she drove through the gate to Chris's house. She gripped and regripped the steering wheel; her palms sweaty. Chris hadn't even said anything over the intercom, just buzzed her in. That meant there had to have been a camera pointed at her. God, she hoped she hadn't done anything embarrassing while he'd been looking at her.

 

It took everything she had to get out of the car. ‘You can do this,' she told herself. ‘One foot in front of the other.' The closer she got to the front door, the more she wanted to throw up. She wanted to run back to her car, throw it in reverse and drive away. She wouldn't even wait for the gate to fully open, she would run her car right through it like all the cars did in action movies.

 

There was a slight tremor in her hand when she reached out to touch the doorbell. She could hear the chime inside and heard a dog bark. Then Chris was standing right in front of her. Again. She couldn't think. Words escaped her. All she could do was stare. The whole drive over she tried to work out what she wanted to say to him. A lot of good that did her. She couldn't remember a word. Her brain was filled with gibberish

 

"Mel," Chris breathed. He gripped the door knob to keep from reaching for her.

 

"Can I come in?"

 

"Yeah," he took a step back, opening the door wider to allow Melissa to step through. He breathed in as she walked passed him, taking in some sweet smelling concoction. It was different than what he remembered. They used to walk through department stores fragrance sections for fun, trying out different smells. By the time the night was over, they each smelled like cheap hookers. All that had been missing was the body glitter. All the windows in the car had to be down on the car rides home after those nights. The smell was nauseating. The smell also lingered in his car for days on end. Those nights had always brought so much laughter. Sometimes they laughed until they were crying. He missed those nights. He hadn't done that since Melissa.

 

"You've redecorated." Melissa commented. ‘Stupid,' she berated herself. Of course he would have redecorated a house in the ten years since she'd been there.

 

"Yeah a few years ago," Chris said, looking at his living room. He didn't tell her he had redecorated when he saw the wedding announcement in the paper. There hadn't been a spot in his house that he didn't see Melissa. She was everywhere. From top to bottom he had his whole house redone from new furniture to different paint on the walls, and even a different backslash in the kitchen. He had even had his backyard landscaped completely changing it. It had been effective in removing Melissa from his house. It didn't work on removing her from his heart.

 

"I like it," Melissa said loving how the room came together with the furniture, the décor, and the paint. "You pick all this out yourself?" It was pointless small talk, but right now that's all she was good for.

 

Chris snorted. "Yeah right. My decorating habits haven't gotten any better."

 

"I should have known when I didn't see bean bag chairs, but actually furniture to sit on." The teasing remark slid by accompanied with a smile. She wasn't sure how Chris would take the comment. When he grinned at her, she released a breath.

 

"Those are downstairs, along with the xBox and the air hockey table."

 

"You can take a man from his twenties, but you can't take the twenties from the man."

 

"Didn't get rid of the Sega," Chris said with a smirk. There had been plenty of all night gaming sessions between him and Melissa. Once, a controller to be replaced when Street Fighter had gotten out of hand. He almost had the painters leave the dent in the wall. He hadn't played the game in years. It had been ‘their' game. He had tried - after Melissa had left - but he couldn't get passed the start up. He hadn't tried again.

 

"Hadn't played that in years," Melissa said with a smirk. "I bet I could still kick your ass."

 

The comment made Chris laugh. He didn't have the heart to tell her he had let her win most of the time. "I don't know, I've become ruthless in my old age."

 

"Oh!" Melissa gasped seeing the dog walk into the room. The light brown boxer was hesitant, seeing a new human. She knelt down and called to the dog. "Come here Sweetie," she called gently, holding her hand out. The boxer's butt wiggled and it sort of walked sideways to her. "You are a handsome fella," she said petting the dog on his head. She scratched behind his ears, laughing as the dog laid down at her feet, demanding she give him a body rub.

 

"I'm gonna have to get his secret later." Chris crossed his arms, grinning down at Melissa as she loved up on Lennon. He shook his head at the blissed out look on Lennon's face and grew jealous. He knew exactly what Melissa's hands felt like over his body. He knew how pathetic he had become when he caught himself wishing he could trade places with his dog.

 

"He's a beauty," Melissa said, grinning up at Chris. "He looks almost like Big Ben..." she giggled at the confused look on Chris's face. "That's my dog. He's a boxer too. He's got a darker coat though."

 

"Big Ben huh?" Chris smirked. When they had met, Melissa had been a Cowboys fan until he converted her.

 

"Can't come back from the dark side." Melissa stood up. "I was able to take Kaleb and Cameron to see them play when they came to Tampa a few years ago. We were dressed out in our Steelers best surrounded by Buc fans. The boys had a blast."

 

Silence fell in the room and it was awkward. Chris thought about challenging her to one more match on Street Fighter but he remained silent. He heard his phone go off from where he left it on the couch. He ignored it. It eventually stopped, only to go off again.

 

"You need to get that?" Melissa asked.

 

"No," Chris shook his head. There were four guesses on who it could be.

 

"Did you mean what you wrote?"

 

"Yes." Chris said without hesitation. "I meant every word of it."

 

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you," Melissa said quietly, her eyes shifting away from Chris. "Since I read that letter. I didn't want to read it. I put it off, ignored it..."

 

"I meant every word of it Mel." Chris fisted his hands at his side in order to keep himself from reaching for her. "I can live with all the regrets in my life. I'm okay with myself making them all over again, except you."

 

"Why now?" Melissa met his eyes again. "After all this time, why now?"

 

"I didn't have anything left to lose," Chris took a step forward and felt a rush when Melissa didn't step back. "I saw your engagement in the paper. Then the baby announcement... I figured you were happily married with a bunch of kids like you always wanted. This letter fell on to my lap and you were the only thing I could think of. In all the things I've done and haven't done, you were the one thing I truly regretted. I wished you'd see it, but I didn't think it would make a difference. It was a way to get what I was feeling off my chest."

 

"If you thought I was happily married, why did you come to see me today?"

 

"I wanted to see if I could find where you were. See for myself if you were happy. In the back of my mind, I sort of hoped you'd read the letter and come back to me. Stupid I know," he gave a humorless chuckle. "But it was out there and you hadn't come knocking and I don't know. I needed to physically know so I could shut the door. I saw an article when you first opened your shop and it said you were single and I just... had to try."

 

"It's not just me anymore."

 

Chris was unable to stop the smile from forming on his face. "I know. The article I read had a picture of your sons. Melissa, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you again. We'll move as slow or as fast as you want. I will love your sons like they were my own. I will treat their mother like she deserves. I love you Melissa. That's something that hasn't changed ten years later. I've changed, but the way I feel for you hasn't."

 

"If I don't want to try again?" Melissa asked, her eyes filling with tears listening to Chris.

 

"Then I won't bother you again."

 

"Even after the letter?"

 

"It's my regret not yours."

 

"What if it's my regret too?"

 

Chris could feel the shift in the room. He reached for her, cupping her face with his hands. He moved his thumbs back and forth over her cheeks. "Then say you'll give me another chance. Say you still love me. Say you want to try again. Say you'll let me be a father to Kaleb and Cameron and any other children we'll be blessed with."

 

"Chris..." Melissa felt her tears spill over her eyelids to run down her cheeks where they were met by Chris's thumbs to be brushed away.

 

"You were my one regret Mel. Nothing means anything without you. We should be celebrating 15 years together. We should be racing JC to see who has a football team of kids first," a small smile graced his lips. "I love you Melissa. I want you now and forever. I want to be a father to Kaleb, to Cameron. I want to watch them grow up to be men and accomplish their dreams. I want to get you pregnant..." he dropped his hands to Melissa's stomach. "I want to watch you grow round with our child. I want to feel them kick inside you. I want to be there when you bring them into this world. I want to be there when our grandkids come to visit. I want to be there, when we're old and grey, in the nursing home, getting caught trying to make out in the closet. Then needed oxygen because you stole mine. You've been stealing my breath from the moment I met you."

 

Melissa closed her eyes at Chris's words. The movement caused more tears to fall. She dropped her chin and felt Chris rest his forehead on hers. She drew in a shaky breath, wrecked by his words. She nodded her head.

 

"Mel?" Chris questioned.

 

"Yes Chris," Melissa lifted her head, meeting his eyes once again. She stared deep into his brown eyes; her heart flipped. "I want everything you just said, I want it all. I love you. I always have. I never stopped.

 

Chris slid his hands to Melissa's back and pulled her to his body as his lips covered hers.

 

‘Dear Chris, love her.'