THE PENDANT

December 6th

With an outlet of breath Josh set the Christmas box which he had retrieved from the attic down in front of the bare tree and rolled his neck first left, then right. The holiday season always had been and always would be his favorite time of year. As the smell of fresh cut noble fir tree invaded his senses, he let a small smile play on his lips.  Tonight, he and Jennifer would drink eggnog and spend a quiet evening decorating for their all to quickly approaching annual family and friends Christmas get together they always hosted. They would trim the tree, string the lights and just cherish the moments, laugh together and embrace each other while Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby Serenaded them and they transformed their  home into a holiday haven, which would soon be filled to the brim with the people they love, dancing around and making beautiful joyous memories together. 

At forty-two, these were the things Joshua "JC" Chasez relished most these days, the quietness amongst the chaos, sure he left the main glow of the spotlight more than fifteen years ago, only emerging when the time and the project felt right, but if there was one thing he had learned about his fans it was how die-hard and loyal they truly were and apparently always would be. Even all these years later, they still yearned for him to return, to sing not just for them but to them and to be their, "JC" once again.  Everyday there were Instagram posts, twitter feeds and countless social media pleas for him to "make his comeback", and that was where the chaos still lived, in their hearts and in their hopes, in their images of who he was over a decade and a half ago.  Every time he stepped outside of his front door, without a hat and glasses or hair to hide behind, it awaited him. They awaited him.

He loved his fans, of that there was no doubt, but once he tasted the normalcy that came with working more behind the scenes, the nine to five life of working on a television series, even if it was a reality one, he found a different kind of happiness and more fitting kind of normal to soothe his soul and allow him his privacy and these quiet moments. 

He was incredibly young when he began on MMC and it allowed him great adventures and a great life, but it also cost him a lot of the simpler pleasures most people always seem to take for granted.  So, as much as there were times he missed the music and the rush of the crowd, the stage and the persona he and his best friends, his brothers, had built and fed to the world... 

as much as it all still coursed through his veins like the breath of life it was for him when he was younger...

After the storm calmed, he realized that this new simpler existence afforded him a life he truly enjoys and a leisure he had yet to taste until now and had grown rather fond of.  Music was always and would always be his greatest love, he was not just good at it, it was truly his life's calling, he thought lyrically and felt rhythmically, it was as though his heart itself beat not with a pulse but with the melody of unwritten songs... 

He still wrote them, still gave them life, still allowed his genius to emerge any and every time it whispered to him, only now he was content listening to others sing them, helping young artists realize their dreams and watching the light in their eyes shine and glow as his own once had when his career was still in its earliest days. 

He did, of course put a few songs away for safe keeping...

Just in case that fire in his soul ever blazed fierce enough that he could not ignore it and the stage called to him loud enough to be heard over the quietness, demanding he return to the mayhem and the man he'd been when he still held the world and all its wonder in his very palm...

Just in case the moment was ever right again.

Running his hand through his long locks he adjusted his glasses eyeing the tree from floor to ceiling and giving a half whistle, it had to be at least a nine-footer, "Good job Chasez." He mumbled knowing full well the two boxes of decorations he had already retrieved from the attic were not going to be enough for the tree and the house. He turned on his heals finding himself glad that Jenn was busy doing their Christmas shopping and would not be back for quite a few more hours. He could just see her now,  bags in hand and tired feet below, the mall this time of year was a place no one wanted to go, and he found himself thankful that one of the remaining perks of his past life was using it as an excuse to steer clear of any and all shopping malls for the "Fandomonium" it might cause.

He made it up the first flight of stairs when his phone beeped in his pocket with a text, retrieving it he saw Autumn's name and opened it pausing his steps.

11:50 AM: "Your boy headlined Yahoo again this morning, looks like he canceled more shows. Hope he's alright."

"Fuck." Josh mumbled his bottom lip on instinct drawn into his mouth as he bit down on it lightly in nervous habit.

11:50 AM: "Yeah me too."

He wrote back simply before leaning on the banister crossing his legs left over right and scrolling through his text messages, skipping past the group text and heading straight for Justin's name quite a way down the list. He realized it had been months since they had corresponded outside of the everyday "shit-chat" of their group text.

The glorious, infamous group text the world now knew about and wanted in on, which made Josh laugh every time he thought about it.... If they only knew...It was all so trivial, saying how adorable Nash was, or how big Silas had gotten, waiting for news on Lance and Michael's attempts at surrogacy or seeing what adventure Joe and Izzy were going on next...

It was...

Well, Josh thought to himself more than once, it was what happened when those who were once your closest confidants and partners in crime wrapped themselves in new lives and drifted away from each other with the winds of change, yet still gave some half-assed attempt at trying to "be there".

It was a duty, not the substance on which their brotherhood was truly built. A substance that had taken the back burner to careers, families and life in general, but that still oozed from them whenever they were all together, in the same room, or when it truly mattered, and that was okay with Josh.  

But... At least the "shit-chat”, as Chris named it, was a way of knowing that they were there, in some aspect, which was better than none, and that set his mind at ease on more than one occasion. He entertained the group text and would chime in from time to time, but not for this...

 He knew that IF Justin was going to open up to him it was not going to be where the others or anyone else could see. Hazard of his day job and life in the public eye, especially one as large as the one watching Justin, he closed off. Letting people in, truly in, was something he rarely did anymore, he was not the same open child he'd been who trusted and shared freely. The risk was too great, his weaknesses were to be kept inside and he was to remain guarded to keep himself, his family, his career and his privacy protected. It wasn't that he didn't trust the others, they were always going to be his brothers, nothing would change that, regardless of what the news and social media tried to make people believe. It was just that the more time went on the more it became natural instinct to protect himself, and like when Joey accidentally slipped his baby news to the press, the last thing he needed were more accidental slips that put him on the front page... and opened him up to more head and heartache that he didn't need while already carrying the world on his shoulders. 

Knowing this, knowing Justin the way he did Josh knew that privately was the only way to reach out to him, to give him that sense of trust and comfort he yearned for and rarely received, to allow him to let the cracks in his exterior show without having to feel as though those surrounding him are watching and waiting for him to shatter. 

October twenty-eighth was the last time he'd texted Justin, so long ago especially when he thought about how they used to talk every day, hell they used to spend every damn day together to the point where it got annoying, but not now.

Josh was incredibly thankful for his "bestie" Autumn as she kept him in the loop about his need to knows, he could hardly stand the social media aspect of the internet and did his best only to pop-up when he felt it was important enough, his "social media presence" was a mirror image of his career itself. So, she would alert him when there was something he needed to see, something he should know.... She was his cyber-eyes and his own personal in-the-know connection to that piece of the world. It was usually Justin related, hell, it was ninety-five percent Justin and five percent Lance, Joey and occasionally Chris. She seemed to not tell him too much about himself, usually just saying "There were a lot of posts today asking for you... and I don't suppose you want me to come cut that hair of yours yet, do you?" His hair and the nerve it seemed to strike with far too many of his fans had become a private joke between them.

On October Twenty-Eighth after a need to know text from Autumn telling Josh about Justin's cancellation due to bruised vocal cords, he reached out to Justin and made sure he was going to be alright. It was a simple exchange, that was over within three minutes, but he tried.

1:02 PM: "Heard about the show cancellations, you alright?"

1:03 PM: "I'll be fine man! A few weeks rest and everything should be back to normal, Jess is loving the silence that has befallen me... She finds now is the time to ask me 1001 questions and find me 1001 things to do around the house... since I can't protest. Hope you and Jenn are well."

1:04 PM: "Of course she is lol, if you need anything, (ear plugs maybe) you know where to find me bro, heal up and good luck! Jenn and I are good, maybe this year you can make it to the Christmas party we'd love to see you, no singing required!"

Then nothing.

Chewing on his bottom lip still securely clamped between his teeth, Josh thought about the stir craziness that Justin must be feeling by now, the terror must be settling in as time continues to tick by.  Sure, they had drifted apart thanks to life, but Justin had been his little brother for 25 plus years and he still liked to believe that he knew the man beyond the fame better than most. He knew about the fears, the uncertainty and the career-hyper-focused OCD... He knew about the cold sweats Justin would be experiencing by now as his mind began to spin with what ifs and what nows, he didn't have to be there this time to know, because he had been there before... Beside him, reassuring him and coaxing him back from an edge on which he often teetered.  Justin hated to disappoint anyone, Justin hated to fail, he hated standing still, he hated being held down or held back.... Josh knew he was sure as hell going crazy by now. 

All he had to do was close his eyes and he could see him pacing the floor, the carpet beneath his feet nearly worn out from the back and forth repetitive motion as he wiped his palms repeatedly on his jeans, his eyes tired their bright blue hue clouded with emotion and exhaustion. Justin hated silence, he found comfort in noise and clarity in chaos, Josh could hear the huffs of breath come from his lips as the absence of sound gnawed at him beside the uncertainty and the sense of failure he undoubtedly would be berating himself with right about now.

Justin was always surrounded by people, people who wanted something from him, people who appeased and pleased him so that they could squeeze more out of him.  These people only knew the surface of who he truly was, these people, this entourage and façade of friends who suffocated his every moment when he was at his best, Josh knew by now would have ran away as he is at his worst and has nothing left to give them. 

These people who could care less about the man who Josh knew, the real Justin...With his proverbial tank and his spirit on empty, like stray cats, would scatter and find someone else to feed them until he was replenished.

They'd be back when he was well, with their smiles bright and slimy and their hands out for more, ready to bleed him dry time and again.

For now though, for now, they would leave him, and Justin with his fear of loneliness and failure would somehow manage to convince himself that their leaving was his fault, he would sink lower into the grasps of all this shit weighting down on him and his self-deprecating inner voice would cause his spinning mind to swirl faster and faster until he could no longer take it.

With that thought engraved in his mind,  Josh let his fingers hover over the buttons on his touch screen for a moment hoping the olive branch he was about to extend would somehow manage to pierce through the anguish he knew would be surrounding and smothering his little brother, at a loss for what else to do.  A text might seem impersonal but, calling a man who cannot speak seemed like cruel and unusual punishment, so this was all he had to offer.

11:55 PM: "Bro? You alright over there?"

Hitting send he waited for a reply, staring at the messages separated by months and distance on the tiny screen, the ones from October and the new one from today.... So many days between them, so much time passing and for Justin so much silence...

Tick. Tick. Tick.

The numbers in the phones corner shifted ten times while Josh stood there watching them before he finally exhaled and stuck it into his back pocket. He pulled his mind back to the task at hand, "You can't force him to take the bait." He whispered as he pushed himself off the banister and began up the second flight of stairs to the attic.

He stood in the middle of the dust riddled musty smelling small space and had to let his eyes adjust to the dimness as he scanned the surrounding area. It didn't take long before he spotted the rest of the Christmas boxes in the far back corner of the rafters. With a roll of his eyes he cursed under his breath pulling his hair back with a huff as he advanced forward and began moving other boxes out of the way to clear a path. Grabbing his grandfather's old work ladder, he heaved it up over a few of the boxes and set it down in front of him. "Maybe I should have asked him to come over and help my old ass get these boxes down," He mused out loud chuckling to himself as he climbed up.

Grabbing the first Christmas box He pulled it forward on the wobbly board of the old wooden rafter and with a grunt resembling that of the Grinches sneer hoisted it up on to his left shoulder now balancing himself with his right hand to descend the ladder. 

He'd nearly reached the bottom when his foot slipped on a patch of dust on one of the steps and like Humpty-Dumpty himself Josh toppled backwards and to the left, landing on his back with an OOF on top of a pile of brown boxes. 

Garland, lights and a stuffed baby Jesus rained down on him from the box he'd been holding against his shoulder only a second before, the stuffed doll landed hard, baby Jesus smacking him in the face.  "Poetic," he mumbled tossing it off himself and sitting up with a shake of his head before turning to see which boxes he had impaled during his fall, rubbing his now sore lower back in the process.

The first one he spotted was simply labeled Guys, which was code for NSNYC era and as he climbed to his knees, he noticed that it had folded and crushed quite messily beneath his weight.  It took the brunt of his oafish impact, the seams splitting open and scattering his past on to the dusty attic floor. Magazines, CDs, trading cards,.... A creepy ass doll that only slightly resembled him back in the day when it was made and now bore no likeness to him whatsoever as far as he was concerned, a few bears, some Hard Rock Café Menus... 

All these things he had no idea why he’d kept in the first place now lay before him. 

Sliding back on to his butt he looked down at the smiling young faces staring up at him, five young guys who truly were for him a lifetime ago, "it was a hell of a ride wasn't it?' He picked up one of the books and skimmed through it, the sickeningly sweet bubble gum pop image it portrayed them as having made him laugh again to himself, if the fans only knew....

When you are a part of the biggest selling boy band of all time there is bound to be some nostalgia. Around Christmas though it seemed especially present as the fans desire for them really flared around this time of year.  Reminders popping up in the most obvious and also most random of places. 

"Merry Christmas Happy Holidays," and other songs from their Christmas Album were still played quite regularly through shopping malls and on radio stations, an event that only fueled the fires even more in the hearts of their fans who wished for nothing more than an album or a reunion under their tree on Christmas morning.

Josh found himself thinking about how the beginning of 2018 had been a surprisingly beautiful gift for NSYNC fans and for the boys themselves,  they'd gotten a star on the Hollywood walk of Fame, which was well deserved and overdo, they'd put out new merch for the fans, and even done a talk show for old times' sake, the fans were content and so were the boys.  Life was good, but as he looked at the pieces of his past with the boys scattered before him, he did find nostalgia worming its way into his soul, his own what ifs coming to rest inside his heart.... 

A hell of a ride indeed, one that sometimes felt too long but, far more often felt as though it ended too soon.

Shaking his head, he began picking up the rest of his yester-year reminders and that was when he spotted her, a little tattered but still bright and white enough to be seen against the dark dusty floor on which she rested.

There she lay. 

A simple small trinket that once meant more to him than almost any of his other possessions, one he tucked away years after packing up the rest of this stuff...

one he'd only let go of when he knew that the past was no longer the now and it was time for a new beginning.

Scooting some of the stuff out of the way he leaned over and grasped "her" in his hand, the tiny face she bore also having seen some wear, fading over the passing years, but still as distinguishable and oddly as comforting as ever. She appeared to be looking at him, still resting on the corded black string on which he had placed her after a fan had given her to him as a gift in the very early days of their career.

His Leo pendant, his own personal lady luck. She'd been there through the whole ride, seen it all from her spot resting against his neck, every photo shoot, every interview, vibrating with every note he hit on stage or in studio.... She became a piece of him.

His eyes blurred a little as he studied her in his hand and a flood of memories seemed to rush him with little warning. Masses of screaming girls, memories of laughter with his best friends, his brothers, goofing off on tour buses, flying high above crowded stadiums, the moments the world knew about and the ones they never would.

She'd seen girlfriends come and go, the hits... and the misses.... the successes... and the failures, the fights and the celebrations, the joy and the tears, through all the passing years he and his brothers had spent together....

she was always there, a pint-sized security blanket that never left his neck.

In August 2006 he'd cut her off and tucked her away, she'd always be special to him, she'd always be a part of him, but with Justin's solo career flourishing and his own new beginning on the horizon, all his brothers finding newness in their lives... It was a single moment in a sea of moments, each one like the one before it, that he realized NSYNC was over and it was time to move forward, and with that realization came another, she had seen all she needed to see...

A simple snip of the scissors and she was freed from her watch tower against his neck.... Signifying that this was a new chapter, one without the same security, the same reassurance he had known before, one that he had to face truly alone like walking a tightwire without anything or anyone to catch him. In that moment his heart raced, and his pulse thumped against his wrist.... There was no turning back, NSYNC had unofficially ended years before but it was only now with that single slice that he felt it truly fall away from him and into the past where it would remain.

A nakedness fell over him that day, one he thought would for sure pass as he knew cutting her off was the right move in signifying to himself and quietly to his fans, an end and a new beginning.

Holding her now though, seeing her again he realized it never did. It just quietly slipped below the surface and became a part of him as so much else in his life had done over time.

The beep of his Cell phone startled Josh from the memories that were still playing out so vividly in his mind as he flinched and held tighter to the tiny pendant using his other hand to retrieve his phone, a message from Justin waiting for him.

Had he really been up here for over an hour?

1:22 PM: "I guess. I mean sure."

Josh stared at the small message and could hear the disheartened tone these words carried with them as he read them over and over to himself, no greeting, no banter, no how are you? He didn't need to be there to see the defeated face of his little brother or see the unshed tears he would fight with his aching soul to hold inside. Five simple words confirmed for him what he already knew.

Justin was broken, and not in the way the world could see.

The pendant in his other hand grew suddenly heavy reminding Josh of her presence and he opened his palm and studied her.

"Why don't you ever take that thing off"

Josh heard Justin's voice echo through the back of his mind resting there inside of an old memory, he could see it as though it were only yesterday as they stood on the back side of a velvet curtain hidden from view, hidden from the world and awaiting their cue to step out on to the stage, to perform in front of thousands for the thousandth time... his hand placed securely around her as he drew in a deep breath.

"She reminds me that I'm not alone..."

He could still see Justin who was merely 16 at the time shaking his head with his child like smirk, 

"SHE Huh?"

"Mhmm"

"But C, there are people around you all the time.... You're not alone, you've got the world bro....."

"Sometimes, that only makes it worse..." Josh simply looked at Justin and offered half of a smile, as the curtains began to part.

"You've got me."

He could barely hear him over the roar of the crowd now deafening his ears...

The memory faded and traveled down Joshes cheek in the form of only a single tear, he thought himself silly for shedding, but allowed it in the moment none the less, maybe he was just getting sentimental in his old age. "...and you've got me." He whispered with a clearing of his suddenly clogged throat trying to push the memories away and the emotions they carried with them.

Distance cannot define brotherhood and its presence cannot destroy it.

The events of the day seemed to come together now as he clasped his hand back around his rediscovered treasure and climbed to his feet leaving the rest of the mess and the rest of Christmas to be dealt with some other time.

He tucked the tiny reminder into the small manila envelope and slid out from behind the wheel of his car, a simple J written across the front of it in bold black sharpie.

The entire way up to the front door he debated knocking, he'd taken the near hour drive, the least he could do was knock right?

But, in the end he decided that the message would be clearer without the one sided and awkward conversation that would come with knocking, especially knowing that Justin was not in the mood to be seen and this was not the old days where he was excluded from his best friends request for solitude.

He took one last look at the small envelope and slid it under the door before heading back the way he came.

He didn't know if the tiny pendant would bring the same memories to Justin as it had to him, hell he didn't even know if it's presence would mean anything at all or if Justin would view it as just as silly now as he did when Josh refused to ever take it off....

But it felt right. He had to try.

Pulling back into his own driveway Josh shut the engine off and leaned back into his leather interior chuckling at how different of a turn the day had taken. Flipping the radio back on he exhaled and decided to just sit for a while....

His eyes crinkled at the corners when an all too familiar song began to play the previous one just ending.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays

We've been waiting all year for this night...

He leaned forward and let his fingers linger on the channel knob for a second when his phone beeped from its place in the cup holder beside where his hand currently hovered and he glanced down to see Justin's name on the screen signifying a text had come through.

Letting the music play he reached for his phone and rested back in his seat with another exhale this one filled with anticipation and maybe even a little apprehension as he opened the message.

3:02 PM: "Hey. Thanks."

3:03 PM: "I know it's silly, but I found her in the attic after my cl-"

Josh shook his head and hit the delete key backspacing all the way to the beginning and pulled his bottom lip yet again into his mouth, wondering if this whole thing was stupid.

"Yeah." He settled.

He waited.

3:04 PM: "She reminds me that I'm not alone." 

 There it was.

A smile played on his lips despite the pain he felt radiating through the hidden context and the things unsaid, the things that didn't need to be said from the man on the other end of this conversation. 

3:04 PM: "You've got me."

3:05 PM: "You still planning on throwing that ridiculous holiday party?"

3:05 PM: "Sadly... I have not found an escape route yet.... J/K"

3:06 PM: "Can you squeeze three more in that over-sized house of yours?"

Releasing his lip from between his teeth Josh nodded even though he could not be seen. 

3:06 PM: "Bro, I got you."

3:06 PM "I know."

3:07 PM: "Good."

Joshes smile only grew as he tucked his phone into his pocket and shut the engine off making his way from the car humming and whispering to himself the last lines he heard and embracing the nostalgic feelings the day had brought, it was going to be a Merry Christmas after all.

It's a wonderful feeling

Feel the love in the room

From the floor to the ceiling

It's that time of year

Christmastime is here.

Fin-